theshovel--2020-11-23--Scott Morrison Has Chosen An Odd Year To Take A Year Off

Workplace flexibility is great .
The fact that more and more organisations are offering their employees access to different ways of working is definitely a step forward .
It ’ s just that , of all the years for Scott Morrison to take a career break , this seems like a strange one .
There ’ s been a bit on .
A global pandemic , the deaths of 700 people in federal nursing homes , a $ 1.2 billion ( yep billion ) Robodebt settlement , the release of a report that showed Australians had committed a full gamut @ @ @ @ @ @ @ since 1932 .
Also – and I don ’ t want to berate him too much for not noticing this because keeping chickens is unbelievably time consuming – but the second most populous state in the country lived through the worst collective trauma in a generation .
Of course , not even Prime Ministers can be expected to be across absolutely all of the issues , all of the time .
As anyone who ’ s into cooking would know , making a curry from scratch and then posting about it on Instagram @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
But there have been one or two things that have popped up this year that could ’ ve done with some Prime Ministering .
Yes , even Prime Ministers deserve a break from time to time .
In fact , if anyone had earned some time off to recharge the batteries at the start of this year , it was Scott Morrison .
With everything that ’ s been going on , it ’ s easy to forget that the PM was unexpectedly asked to cut his holiday short last December so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ country for the last few days of the bushfire crisis .
That ’ s a lot of responsibility to delegate .
So sure , a holiday after that seems fair enough .
But a full year off ?
This year ?
Don ’ t get me wrong .
It ’ s great that gap years are available to Prime Ministers now too .
It just seems that if you ’ re the sort of person who ’ s always dreamed of running the country , this would be the perfect year to , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s a bit like a soccer player who ’ s always dreamt of representing his nation , getting the call up to play the World Cup .
And then knocking it back because he ’ d already signed up to do a woodworking class for those four weeks .
Not that there ’ s anything wrong with woodworking courses .
Apparently Jen and the kids love the cubby house that Scott built .
But maybe the DIY work could ’ ve waited until after the war crimes report had been dealt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s unemployment rate dipped below 6 % again .
It ’ s not as if he hasn ’ t done any work at all .
He did pop into work in late March to tell everyone to stay at home , before heading off to the footy .
He launched the COVIDSafe app .
And he ’ s had a part-time job making promo videos for Bunnings ( even Prime Ministers have to earn a bob on their year off ) .
But it ’ s fair to say that now that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ running the country hasn ’ t grabbed Scott Morrison ’ s attention in the same way that , say , using a sexist trope to name a group of chickens has .
It ’ s a credit to the strength of the Australian Federal system that we ’ ve been able to go a whole year without a Prime Minister .
We ’ ve got others who can step in to lead the way – like the Governor General .
Actually , bad example .
But you know what I mean .
Anyway @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s refreshed and ready to go for 2021 .
Because working full time can be a grind .
Especially when you ’ ve got to juggle photo opps at barre classes with building a new pergola .
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Workplace flexibility is great. The fact that more and more organisations are offering their employees access to different ways of working is definitely a step forward. It’s just that, of all the years for Scott Morrison to take a career break, this seems like a strange one. There’s been a bit on.
A global pandemic, the deaths of 700 people in federal nursing homes, a $1.2 billion (yep billion) Robodebt settlement, the release of a report that showed Australians had committed a full gamut of war crimes. The worst recession since 1932.
Also – and I don’t want to berate him too much for not noticing this because keeping chickens is unbelievably time consuming – but the second most populous state in the country lived through the worst collective trauma in a generation.
Of course, not even Prime Ministers can be expected to be across absolutely all of the issues, all of the time. As anyone who’s into cooking would know, making a curry from scratch and then posting about it on Instagram can take up a lot of headspace. But there have been one or two things that have popped up this year that could’ve done with some Prime Ministering.
Yes, even Prime Ministers deserve a break from time to time. In fact, if anyone had earned some time off to recharge the batteries at the start of this year, it was Scott Morrison. With everything that’s been going on, it’s easy to forget that the PM was unexpectedly asked to cut his holiday short last December so he could come home to run the country for the last few days of the bushfire crisis. That’s a lot of responsibility to delegate. So sure, a holiday after that seems fair enough.
But a full year off? This year?
Don’t get me wrong. It’s great that gap years are available to Prime Ministers now too. It just seems that if you’re the sort of person who’s always dreamed of running the country, this would be the perfect year to, you know, run the country.
It’s a bit like a soccer player who’s always dreamt of representing his nation, getting the call up to play the World Cup. And then knocking it back because he’d already signed up to do a woodworking class for those four weeks.
Not that there’s anything wrong with woodworking courses. Apparently Jen and the kids love the cubby house that Scott built. But maybe the DIY work could’ve waited until after the war crimes report had been dealt with, or at least until Australia’s unemployment rate dipped below 6% again.
It’s not as if he hasn’t done any work at all. He did pop into work in late March to tell everyone to stay at home, before heading off to the footy. He launched the COVIDSafe app. And he’s had a part-time job making promo videos for Bunnings (even Prime Ministers have to earn a bob on their year off).
But it’s fair to say that now that he’s got the job, running the country hasn’t grabbed Scott Morrison’s attention in the same way that, say, using a sexist trope to name a group of chickens has.
It’s a credit to the strength of the Australian Federal system that we’ve been able to go a whole year without a Prime Minister. We’ve got others who can step in to lead the way – like the Governor General. Actually, bad example. But you know what I mean.
Anyway, let’s hope Scott’s refreshed and ready to go for 2021. Because working full time can be a grind. Especially when you’ve got to juggle photo opps at barre classes with building a new pergola.


theshovel--2020-11-26--Scott Morrison’s 5 Tips For Surviving Hotel Quarantine

SCOTT MORRISON : I ’ ve been hearing a lot from returning Aussies about how tough the two-week hotel quarantine is .
I ’ ve actually found it to be quite an enjoyable time .
In the interests of helping out other Aussies about to make the journey home , I thought I ’ d share my tips for making the quarantine experience more bearable .
1 .
Ask for a 40-room suite : You ’ ve probably heard the horror stories of families cooped up for two weeks in a 12 square metre studio apartment without a window .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ asked to be upgraded to ‘ The Lodge ’ they would ’ ve had plenty of space to spread out and get out of each other ’ s hair .
When you ’ ve got a different bathroom for each day in quarantine , it makes the whole thing a little more interesting .
2 .
Find activities for the kids : Social media managers can get bored quickly .
Keep the young-ones entertained by building them a cubby house , buying them some chickens to play with , or getting them to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Keep a visual diary of your time : One of the great things about staying in hotel quarantine is that you don ’ t just get a place to stay , you also get a team of forty professional photographers staying with you .
I ’ ve loved all of the candid shots they ’ ve taken of me doing regular-guy things , without me even noticing .
It ’ s a great way to keep memories of your time in isolation .
4 .
Keep up your normal work schedule : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can be difficult to maintain your working schedule while you ’ re in hotel quarantine .
But I ’ ve found that it can actually make time go more quickly .
I ’ ve continued to put in 8-10 hours a week as Prime Minister , just as I did before quarantine .
5 .
Play dress-ups : This is a fun one .
Find some clothes from around your quarantine hotel and mix and match ato give yourself a whole new image .
Some of my favourites so far are ‘ Regular @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t actually a fundamentalist Christian ’ , or ‘ Fun daggy dad , who ’ s not a calculating political operative and just happened to wind up Prime Minister by accident ’ .
I also like the suit jacket with boxer short look .
Some people say it makes you look like a total dick , but I reckon it makes me look like one of the guys .
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SCOTT MORRISON: I’ve been hearing a lot from returning Aussies about how tough the two-week hotel quarantine is. I’ve actually found it to be quite an enjoyable time. In the interests of helping out other Aussies about to make the journey home, I thought I’d share my tips for making the quarantine experience more bearable.
1. Ask for a 40-room suite: You’ve probably heard the horror stories of families cooped up for two weeks in a 12 square metre studio apartment without a window. Easy mistake to make. Had they asked to be upgraded to ‘The Lodge’ they would’ve had plenty of space to spread out and get out of each other’s hair. When you’ve got a different bathroom for each day in quarantine, it makes the whole thing a little more interesting.
2. Find activities for the kids: Social media managers can get bored quickly. Keep the young-ones entertained by building them a cubby house, buying them some chickens to play with, or getting them to professionally image-manage your entire stay.
3. Keep a visual diary of your time: One of the great things about staying in hotel quarantine is that you don’t just get a place to stay, you also get a team of forty professional photographers staying with you. I’ve loved all of the candid shots they’ve taken of me doing regular-guy things, without me even noticing. It’s a great way to keep memories of your time in isolation.
4. Keep up your normal work schedule: There’s a perception that it can be difficult to maintain your working schedule while you’re in hotel quarantine. But I’ve found that it can actually make time go more quickly. I’ve continued to put in 8-10 hours a week as Prime Minister, just as I did before quarantine.
5. Play dress-ups: This is a fun one. Find some clothes from around your quarantine hotel and mix and match ato give yourself a whole new image. Some of my favourites so far are ‘Regular guy at a BBQ who isn’t actually a fundamentalist Christian’, or ‘Fun daggy dad, who’s not a calculating political operative and just happened to wind up Prime Minister by accident’. I also like the suit jacket with boxer short look. Some people say it makes you look like a total dick, but I reckon it makes me look like one of the guys.
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theshovel--2020-11-27--Pauline Hanson Condemns Use Of Term ‘Black Friday’, Saying ‘All Fridays Matter’

One Nation leader Pauline Hanson has moved a motion in the Senate declaring that ‘ All Fridays Matter ’ , @ @ @ @ @ which she claimed the term Black Friday is racist against white people .
“ Once @ @ @ @ @ being marginalised in this country , ” Ms Hanson said .
“ I refuse to @ @ @ @ @ continue .
Today I demand that the government says , on record , that all @ @ @ @ @ Queensland Senator said the country was in danger of being swamped by Black Friday sales @ @ @ @ @ Australians , my inbox has been inundated with ‘ Black Friday this ’ , ‘ @ @ @ @ @ Granted there have been some wonderful bargains .
But as yet not a single mention @ @ @ @ @ typical of this country ’ s disrespect for white people ” .
Ms Hanson later @ @ @ @ @ wish all Australians a white Christmas .
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One Nation leader Pauline Hanson has moved a motion in the Senate declaring that ‘All Fridays Matter’, following an emotional speech in which she claimed the term Black Friday is racist against white people.
“Once again we see white people being marginalised in this country,” Ms Hanson said. “I refuse to allow this blatant discrimination to continue. Today I demand that the government says, on record, that all Fridays matter”.
The Queensland Senator said the country was in danger of being swamped by Black Friday sales.
“Like so many Australians, my inbox has been inundated with ‘Black Friday this’, ‘Black Friday that’. Granted there have been some wonderful bargains. But as yet not a single mention of White Friday. So typical of this country’s disrespect for white people”.
Ms Hanson later moved a second motion to wish all Australians a white Christmas.
_______
With Ella Chalmers


theshovel--2020-11-29--Young Couple Who Work At Google Already Finishing Each Other’s Sentences

A couple who have been dating since they met at a Google office party last month are already finishing each other ’ s sentences , it has been revealed .
“ It ’ s so cute .
I ’ ll say something like ‘ What is … ’ and then Jack will say ‘ Dwayne Johnson ’ s net worth ’ .
He knows exactly what I ’ m going to say , sometimes before I do , ” account manager Freya Campbell said .
“ Or the other day I just said ‘ Can you … ’ and he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ which is not what I was going to say , but then he said ‘ eat green potatoes ’ .
So he got it second go ” .
Jack Greenberg , 26 , said the two already knew each other intimately .
“ We know what each other ’ s thinking .
Often very specifically .
This morning I said , ‘ How do you … ’ and Freya said ‘ say hello in Spanish/get shingles/know if a girl likes you/make pancakes ’ .
All things I had been meaning to ask .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ couple are very cute together .
“ The other day in the staff kitchen Jack said , ‘ How do I … ’ and Freya said ‘ know if I ’ m pregnant ?
’ And that ’ s how we found out .
Adorable ” .
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A couple who have been dating since they met at a Google office party last month are already finishing each other’s sentences, it has been revealed.
“It’s so cute. I’ll say something like ‘What is …’ and then Jack will say ‘Dwayne Johnson’s net worth’. He knows exactly what I’m going to say, sometimes before I do,” account manager Freya Campbell said.
“Or the other day I just said ‘Can you …’ and he immediately said ‘overdose on Panadol’ which is not what I was going to say, but then he said ‘eat green potatoes’. So he got it second go”.
Jack Greenberg, 26, said the two already knew each other intimately. “We know what each other’s thinking. Often very specifically. This morning I said, ‘How do you …’ and Freya said ‘say hello in Spanish/get shingles/know if a girl likes you/make pancakes’. All things I had been meaning to ask. Uncanny”.
One colleague said the couple are very cute together. “The other day in the staff kitchen Jack said, ‘How do I …’ and Freya said ‘know if I’m pregnant?’ And that’s how we found out. Adorable”.


theshovel--2020-11-23--OPINION: Scott Morrison Has Chosen An Odd Year To Take A Year Off


theshovel--2020-12-01--Chinese Citizens Told They Must Condemn Australia’s Human Rights Record, Or Risk Imprisonment

A directive from the Chinese Communist Party has obligated all citizens of the mighty and glorious nation of China to publicly criticise Australia ’ s record of human rights abuses , or risk life-long incarceration in a secret prison camp .
A Communist Party spokesperson said it was each citizen ’ s patriotic responsibility to speak out against other countries ’ suppression of rights , and if they chose not to then there would be ample time to discuss their reasons why at a re-education facility in the country ’ s north west .
“ We ask all people from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s human rights record on a state-controlled social media platform of their choosing , ” a spokesperson said .
“ We know millions of citizens are appalled at Australia ’ s behaviour .
We also know the specific citizens who are not appalled , thanks to our comprehensive surveillance and tracking program .
We will be visiting them soon ” .
The issue started when the Chinese government posted an image on Twitter – a platform it prohibits its citizens from using – which criticised Australia ’ s human rights record .
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A directive from the Chinese Communist Party has obligated all citizens of the mighty and glorious nation of China to publicly criticise Australia’s record of human rights abuses, or risk life-long incarceration in a secret prison camp.
A Communist Party spokesperson said it was each citizen’s patriotic responsibility to speak out against other countries’ suppression of rights, and if they chose not to then there would be ample time to discuss their reasons why at a re-education facility in the country’s north west.
“We ask all people from this magnificent nation to publicly condemn Australia’s human rights record on a state-controlled social media platform of their choosing,” a spokesperson said.
“We know millions of citizens are appalled at Australia’s behaviour. We also know the specific citizens who are not appalled, thanks to our comprehensive surveillance and tracking program. We will be visiting them soon”.
The issue started when the Chinese government posted an image on Twitter – a platform it prohibits its citizens from using – which criticised Australia’s human rights record.


theshovel--2020-12-01--Morrison Appoints Scott Cam To Rebuild Relationship With China

Saying it was time to get serious about foreign policy , Scott Morrison has brought in Australia ’ s favourite tradie to mend the nation ’ s broken relationship with China .
The PM said the host of The Block was just the person to totally overhaul the complex diplomatic relationship .
“ The China-Australia relationship may look like a bomb-site right now .
But give Scott Cam 24 hours and he ’ ll have it patched up and ready to go ” .
Mr Morrison said regular Aussies could relate to what had happened with China .
“ We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a strategic partnership with the nation ’ s most important trading partner at some point .
But the fun bit is building it back up again with a few beers , some careful product placement and a TV crew , ” the Prime Minister said .
Mr Morrison said that when it came to Australia-China relations , Scott Cam had a lot of experience selling hardware .
“ Everyone is telling me to listen to foreign policy experts .
But I ’ ve always said if you want something done properly , get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Cam will be paid $ 175,000 for the two-day stint .
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Saying it was time to get serious about foreign policy, Scott Morrison has brought in Australia’s favourite tradie to mend the nation’s broken relationship with China.
The PM said the host of The Block was just the person to totally overhaul the complex diplomatic relationship. “The China-Australia relationship may look like a bomb-site right now. But give Scott Cam 24 hours and he’ll have it patched up and ready to go”.
Mr Morrison said regular Aussies could relate to what had happened with China. “We’ve all gone and totally destroyed a strategic partnership with the nation’s most important trading partner at some point. But the fun bit is building it back up again with a few beers, some careful product placement and a TV crew,” the Prime Minister said.
Mr Morrison said that when it came to Australia-China relations, Scott Cam had a lot of experience selling hardware.
“Everyone is telling me to listen to foreign policy experts. But I’ve always said if you want something done properly, get in a reality TV host”.
Cam will be paid $175,000 for the two-day stint.


theshovel--2020-12-01--The Real Human Rights Abuse Is That The Chinese Now Have To Pay $199 For A Bottle Of Yellow Tail Shi

The Real Human Rights Abuse Is That The Chinese Now Have To Pay $199 For A Bottle Of Yellow Tail Shiraz

In amongst all the barbs being thrown around between Australia and China , we ’ ve forgotten that , thanks @ @ @ @ @ some guy in Shanghai has just had to shell out the best part of $ @ @ @ @ @ one reviewer described as ‘ strawberry jam mixed with paint thinner ’ .
Human rights @ @ @ @ @ not be subjected to Yellow Tail at any cost .
But this is just cruel @ @ @ @ @ UN ?
This is a drink that ’ s variously been described as smelling like @ @ @ @ @ sort of damp mould ’ that tastes like ‘ cherry Coke mixed with cough syrup @ @ @ @ @ to be put through that .
The only thing crueler would be asking the Chinese @ @ @ @ @ .
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In amongst all the barbs being thrown around between Australia and China, we’ve forgotten that, thanks to the new tariffs, some guy in Shanghai has just had to shell out the best part of $200 bucks for a wine one reviewer described as ‘strawberry jam mixed with paint thinner’.
Human rights experts have said people should not be subjected to Yellow Tail at any cost. But this is just cruel. Has someone called the UN?
This is a drink that’s variously been described as smelling like ‘unwashed laundry and a sort of damp mould’ that tastes like ‘cherry Coke mixed with cough syrup’. No-one should have to be put through that.
The only thing crueler would be asking the Chinese to drink their own wine.


theshovel--2020-12-01--Team Trump Now Claiming Joe Biden Stole Election By Getting More People To Vote For Him

After a string of unsuccessful challenges and with legal options running out , Donald Trump ’ s legal team claimed this morning that Joe Biden illegally stole the election by getting more people to vote for him .
In an interview with Fox News , Trump attorney Rudy Giuliani said that the evidence of voter preference was clear .
“ What we ’ re seeing here is a large scale attempt by the electorate to install Joe Biden .
It ’ s unprecedented .
Millions of votes marked for Joe Biden .
Thousands of electoral workers counting votes for Joe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said on the ballot ” .
He said Biden ’ s team devised a cunning method to encourage people to vote for them called ‘ campaigning ’ .
“ It was so blatant .
They had lawn signs , emails , television advertisements for goodness sake .
And then , surprise surprise , we see millions of ballot papers turn up on election day for Joe Biden .
I ’ ve heard one figure that suggests Joe Biden received up to five million more votes than Donald Trump using this method ” .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ forward claiming they had voted for Biden .
“ We ’ ve heard person after person after person tell us they voted for Joe Biden .
Someone should really look into this ” .
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After a string of unsuccessful challenges and with legal options running out, Donald Trump’s legal team claimed this morning that Joe Biden illegally stole the election by getting more people to vote for him.
In an interview with Fox News, Trump attorney Rudy Giuliani said that the evidence of voter preference was clear.
“What we’re seeing here is a large scale attempt by the electorate to install Joe Biden. It’s unprecedented. Millions of votes marked for Joe Biden. Thousands of electoral workers counting votes for Joe Biden because that’s what it said on the ballot”.
He said Biden’s team devised a cunning method to encourage people to vote for them called ‘campaigning’.
“It was so blatant. They had lawn signs, emails, television advertisements for goodness sake. And then, surprise surprise, we see millions of ballot papers turn up on election day for Joe Biden. I’ve heard one figure that suggests Joe Biden received up to five million more votes than Donald Trump using this method”.
Giuliani said thousands of people had come forward claiming they had voted for Biden. “We’ve heard person after person after person tell us they voted for Joe Biden. Someone should really look into this”.


theshovel--2020-11-23--OPINION: Scott Morrison Has Chosen An Odd Year To Take Off


theshovel--2020-12-06--BREAKING: Rudy Giuliani Contracts COVID, Rushed To Johns Hopkins Total Landscaping For Treatment

Donald Trump ’ s personal lawyer , Rudy Giuliani , was confirmed positive with COVID-19 this morning , and was @ @ @ @ @ Hopkins Total Landscaping for emergency treatment .
The facility is regarded as one of the @ @ @ @ @ and materials in the US .
The owners stressed that it is not related in @ @ @ @ @ Hopkins Hospital .
Mr Giuliani ’ s team said it was always their intention that @ @ @ @ @ gardening supplies facility , and it was not in any way a misunderstanding or mistake @ @ @ @ @ Landscaping has some of the very best solutions for lawn , decking and pruning .
@ @ @ @ @ in better hands , ” a spokesperson said .
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Donald Trump’s personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, was confirmed positive with COVID-19 this morning, and was immediately taken to the Johns Hopkins Total Landscaping for emergency treatment.
The facility is regarded as one of the top suppliers of gardening equipment and materials in the US. The owners stressed that it is not related in any way to the John Hopkins Hospital.
Mr Giuliani’s team said it was always their intention that he be treated at a gardening supplies facility, and it was not in any way a misunderstanding or mistake.
“Johns Hopkins Total Landscaping has some of the very best solutions for lawn, decking and pruning. Mr Giuliani could not be in better hands,” a spokesperson said.


theshovel--2020-12-06--Rudy Giuliani Has Already Filed 37 Law Suits Against His COVID-19 Infection

Trump attorney Rudy Giuliani has wasted no time fighting his COVID-19 diagnosis , immediately filing thirty-seven lawsuits in eight different @ @ @ @ @ it was clear that his COVID diagnosis was rigged and demanded that the result be @ @ @ @ @ only count the legal test results , and you discard the illegal test results , @ @ @ @ @ have COVID , ” he said .
“ Don ’ t you think it is @ @ @ @ @ ’ t have the coronavirus , and then today , all of a sudden , @ @ @ @ @ do ?
” Presenting to a judge in New York , Giuliani ’ s legal @ @ @ @ @ that their client did not have COVID .
When asked to provide that evidence , @ @ @ @ @ of positive tests received by Mr Giuliani was a non-zero number .
In Georgia , @ @ @ @ @ positive test to be recounted .
It remained at one .
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Trump attorney Rudy Giuliani has wasted no time fighting his COVID-19 diagnosis, immediately filing thirty-seven lawsuits in eight different states.
The New-York-mayor-turned-totally-fucking-insane-Trump-lawyer said it was clear that his COVID diagnosis was rigged and demanded that the result be overturned.
“If you only count the legal test results, and you discard the illegal test results, then I don’t have COVID,” he said.
“Don’t you think it is strange that yesterday I didn’t have the coronavirus, and then today, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I do?”
Presenting to a judge in New York, Giuliani’s legal team said they had evidence that their client did not have COVID. When asked to provide that evidence, they conceded that the number of positive tests received by Mr Giuliani was a non-zero number.
In Georgia, a judge allowed for the positive test to be recounted. It remained at one.
_______
By Jenna Rabour


theshovel--2020-12-08--Reverse Parallel Parking Has Been Confirmed For The 2028 Olympics

Parking a car parallel to the road in line with other parked vehicles while others look on and judge will be an Olympic sport in 2028 , it has been confirmed .
The International Olympic Committee ( IOC ) said the addition of the popular spectator sport was long overdue .
“ Running 100 metres in under 10 seconds is difficult .
But not nearly as hard as driving a car backwards into a small space with the radio blaring , while someone in the back seat tells you they could do it better , ” a spokesperson said .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ different rounds , including ‘ parking between two SUVs ’ , ‘ parking with an opinionated passenger ’ and the gold medal round ‘ parking right out the front of a pub while 100 people look on ’ .
To increase the difficultly level and to mirror real-life competitions , participants will be asked to drive in a car that is clearly too big for them .
Unlike other Olympic events , judges will make loud comments and unwelcome suggestions while the competitors are in action .
The 2028 Olympics will be held @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to start looking for a park now .
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Parking a car parallel to the road in line with other parked vehicles while others look on and judge will be an Olympic sport in Paris 2024, it has been confirmed.
The International Olympic Committee (IOC) said the addition of the popular spectator sport was long overdue.
“Running 100 metres in under 10 seconds is difficult. But not nearly as hard as driving a car backwards into a small space with the radio blaring, while someone in the back seat tells you they could do it better,” a spokesperson said.
The event will include a number of different rounds, including ‘parking between two SUVs’, ‘parking with an opinionated passenger’ and the gold medal round ‘parking right out the front of a pub while 100 people look on’.
To increase the difficultly level and to mirror real-life competitions, participants will be asked to drive in a car that is clearly too big for them.
Unlike other Olympic events, judges will make loud comments and unwelcome suggestions while the competitors are in action.
Competitors are advised to start looking for a park now.


theshovel--2020-12-08--Morrison Promises All Stranded Australian Liberal Politicians Will Be Home By Christmas

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has made assurances that every single one of the thousands of former Liberal ministers currently travelling overseas will be able to get home in time for Christmas .
In an emotional speech to Parliament , Mr Morrison said it was his government ’ s responsibility to make sure that all Australians who had high-level connections with the government had the opportunity to see their families for the festive season .
“ As we emerge from this coronavirus crisis , it ’ s important that we don ’ t forget our fellow well-connected former Liberal ministers who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ middle of a pandemic .
We are all Australians , and we will not abandon them ” .
The PM said he was looking at ways to expand the capacity of quarantine hotels .
“ Of course , these people won ’ t need to stay in those hotels – they ’ ll be able to stay in their own house .
But it makes for a good headline to say that we ’ re expanding capacity ” .
The Government said it was working closely with private-chartered jet companies to increase the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Shovel .
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Prime Minister Scott Morrison has made assurances that every single one of the thousands of former Liberal ministers currently travelling overseas will be able to get home in time for Christmas.
In an emotional speech to Parliament, Mr Morrison said it was his government’s responsibility to make sure that all Australians who had high-level connections with the government had the opportunity to see their families for the festive season.
“As we emerge from this coronavirus crisis, it’s important that we don’t forget our fellow well-connected former Liberal ministers who are travelling on European junkets during the middle of a pandemic. We are all Australians, and we will not abandon them”.
The PM said he was looking at ways to expand the capacity of quarantine hotels. “Of course, these people won’t need to stay in those hotels – they’ll be able to stay in their own house. But it makes for a good headline to say that we’re expanding capacity”.
The Government said it was working closely with private-chartered jet companies to increase the number of seats available.
See ‘The War on 2020’ Live: 11th & 12th December


theshovel--2020-12-10--Scott Morrison Revealed As Person Behind Mysterious Desert Monolith

The strange mirror-like monolith that has mysteriously popped up in random locations across the world is said to be the work of Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison .
One source close the Prime Minister said he had no doubt it was Morrison ’ s work .
“ It ’ s shiny , it ’ s slightly tacky and it deflects everything that comes into its path .
It ’ s definitely Scott ” .
Another insider said it was actually an elaborate campaign to deflect media interest away from the Robodebt scandal .
“ It might sound like a lot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then he did orchestrate a geo-political confrontation about a meme just so he could deflect attention away from Australia ’ s war crimes .
So I wouldn ’ t put it past him ” .
One former staffer said it had all the hallmarks of a Scott Morrison stunt .
“ It ’ s got Scotty ’ s fingerprints all over it .
Literally .
It ’ s fucking filthy .
It needs a good clean ” .
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The strange mirror-like monolith that has mysteriously popped up in random locations across the world is said to be the work of Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison.
One source close the Prime Minister said he had no doubt it was Morrison’s work. “It’s shiny, it’s slightly tacky and it deflects everything that comes into its path. It’s definitely Scott”.
Another insider said it was actually an elaborate campaign to deflect media interest away from the Robodebt scandal. “It might sound like a lot of effort to go to. But then he did orchestrate a geo-political confrontation about a meme just so he could deflect attention away from Australia’s war crimes. So I wouldn’t put it past him”.
One former staffer said it had all the hallmarks of a Scott Morrison stunt. “It’s got Scotty’s fingerprints all over it. Literally. It’s fucking filthy. It needs a good clean”.


theshovel--2020-12-09--First COVID Vaccine Recipient Already Being Bombarded With Microsoft Office Update Requests

Margaret Keenan , the ninety year old British woman who became the first person to receive the COVID-19 vaccine , says being controlled by Bill Gates is more annoying than she expected .
Since she was given the vaccination – which includes a micro-chip controlled by the Microsoft founder – Keenan says she has been asked to install Office updates at least eleven times .
“ Being controlled by Bill gates is not as fun as I was hoping for , ” Keenan said .
“ Everything was running quite smoothly at first , but already I ’ m starting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ software update when you ’ re in the middle of doing a crossword can be incredibly frustrating .
No idea why he asked me to close all the windows ” .
Family and friends say the Coventry woman has randomly shut down without warning on several occasions .
“ We were asked whether we wanted to send an error report .
We said no , ” Keenan ’ s grandson said .
It is unclear why Mr Gates , who is worth an estimated $ 118 billion , would want to take control @ @ @ @ @ @ @ family members say they may have an idea .
“ She ’ s started using Bing ” .
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Margaret Keenan, the ninety year old British woman who became the first person to receive the COVID-19 vaccine, says being controlled by Bill Gates is more annoying than she expected.
Since she was given the vaccination – which includes a micro-chip controlled by the Microsoft founder – Keenan says she has been asked to install Office updates at least eleven times.
“Being controlled by Bill gates is not as fun as I was hoping for,” Keenan said. “Everything was running quite smoothly at first, but already I’m starting to slow down. Downloading a fourteen-minute software update when you’re in the middle of doing a crossword can be incredibly frustrating. No idea why he asked me to close all the windows”.
Family and friends say the Coventry woman has randomly shut down without warning on several occasions. “We were asked whether we wanted to send an error report. We said no,” Keenan’s grandson said.
It is unclear why Mr Gates, who is worth an estimated $118 billion, would want to take control of a ninety year-old pensioner, although family members say they may have an idea. “She’s started using Bing”.


theshovel--2020-12-10--Scott Morrison Revealed As Creator Of Mysterious Desert Monolith


theshovel--2020-12-10--Oxford Dictionary Reveals 2020 ‘Word Of The Year’

‘ Fuck , really ?
’ has been named the Oxford Dictionary Word of the Year for 2020 .
It @ @ @ @ @ ‘ Lockdown ’ , ‘ Unprecedented ’ and ‘ Donald Trump just lost Georgia again @ @ @ @ @ Oxford University Press , Jeremy Taylor , said the word ( or more correctly , @ @ @ @ @ used expression for 2020 .
“ We have chosen ‘ fuck , really ?
’ @ @ @ @ @ experience of billions of people who have woken up each day , checked the news @ @ @ @ @ and wondered what peculiar clusterfuck would be coming next ” .
Taylor said the great @ @ @ @ @ that its tone can be adjusted to reflect many different emotions and moods .
“ @ @ @ @ @ different ways this phrase has been used : Exasperated : “ We ’ re not @ @ @ @ @ for 3 months ” – “ Fuck , really ?
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‘Fuck, really?’ has been named the Oxford Dictionary Word of the Year for 2020. It beat out other contenders, ‘Lockdown’, ‘Unprecedented’ and ‘Donald Trump just lost Georgia again’.
Spokesperson for the Oxford University Press, Jeremy Taylor, said the word (or more correctly, phrase) was the most used expression for 2020.
“We have chosen ‘fuck, really?’ because it captures the shared experience of billions of people who have woken up each day, checked the news feed on their phone, and wondered what peculiar clusterfuck would be coming next”.
Taylor said the great thing about the phrase is that its tone can be adjusted to reflect many different emotions and moods.
“There are many, many different ways this phrase has been used:
Startled: “A swarm of Murder Hornets is coming! ” – “Fuck, really?”
Exasperated: “We’re not allowed to leave our homes for 3 months” – “Fuck, really?”
Smug: “Donald Trump has contracted COVID” – “Fuck, really?”
Downtrodden: “Nickelback has released a new album” – “Fuck, really?”
Resigned: “The Prime Minister is working a four-day week again” – “Fuck, really?”


theshovel--2020-12-15--Margaret & David Review ‘2020’

Margaret & David Review ‘2020’

Guess how many starts they gave it ?
Watch their review below .
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Guess how many starts they gave it? Watch their review below.
This sketch was written by James Schloeffel from The Shovel as part of the War On 2020 series, which is produced by Chaser digital and directed by Victoria Zerbst and Jenna Owen. Thanks to Margaret and David for being spectacular as usual. True icons.


theshovel--2020-12-16--TRADE WARS: Kmart Australia Retaliates By Removing All Chinese-Made Goods From Its Shelves

Kmart says it will do its bit to support Australia in the escalating trade war with China , by committing to remove all Chinese-made items from its stores .
A spokesperson for the company said it was an important symbolic gesture .
“ It ’ s something small we can do to show our support .
We started by removing any clothing made in China , then homewares , sheets and towels , electrical appliances , toys , underwear , maternity wear , belts , hats and sporting goods .
Then we moved to Christmas decorations , books , nappies @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , stationery , swimwear and sleepwear .
“ From there it was just a matter of removing the shelves , the light globes , the flooring , the shopping trolleys and the curtains on the change rooms and we were done .
You can hardly notice a difference at all ” .
He said there was still a great range of items in store .
“ All of the self-serve checkouts were made in Japan .
So come in and take a look ” .
Kmart rejected claims it had put all of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Our baskets are actually made in China , so no , we haven ’ t put anything in a basket ” .
Other retailers such as Target , Big W and Bunnings are expected to make similar announcements soon .
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Kmart says it will do its bit to support Australia in the escalating trade war with China, by committing to remove all Chinese-made items from its stores.
A spokesperson for the company said it was an important symbolic gesture. “It’s something small we can do to show our support. We started by removing any clothing made in China, then homewares, sheets and towels, electrical appliances, toys, underwear, maternity wear, belts, hats and sporting goods. Then we moved to Christmas decorations, books, nappies, pet items, handbags, footwear, stationery, swimwear and sleepwear.
“From there it was just a matter of removing the shelves, the light globes, the flooring, the shopping trolleys and the curtains on the change rooms and we were done. You can hardly notice a difference at all”.
He said there was still a great range of items in store. “All of the self-serve checkouts were made in Japan. So come in and take a look”.
Kmart rejected claims it had put all of its eggs in one basket. “Our baskets are actually made in China, so no, we haven’t put anything in a basket”.
Other retailers such as Target, Big W and Bunnings are expected to make similar announcements soon.


theshovel--2020-12-16--Morrison Shows How Committed He Is To Stopping Boats By Stopping All Trade Vessels Too

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has demonstrated just how seriously he takes the government ’ s ‘ stop the boats ’ @ @ @ @ @ shut down all sea-based trade with Australia ’ s largest trading partner .
Before Morrison @ @ @ @ @ cargo ships would make the journey between Australia and China and back again .
But @ @ @ @ @ uncompromising approach , that has slowed to a trickle .
Mr Morrison , who was @ @ @ @ @ with stopping asylum seeker vessels , was praised for his determination .
One policy expert @ @ @ @ @ underestimated as usual .
“ A lot of people said it wasn ’ t possible @ @ @ @ @ model of thousands of Australians companies .
But , as we ’ ve often found @ @ @ @ @ underestimate what Scott Morrison can achieve ” .
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Prime Minister Scott Morrison has demonstrated just how seriously he takes the government’s ‘stop the boats’ policy by managing to totally shut down all sea-based trade with Australia’s largest trading partner.
Before Morrison was Prime Minister thousands of cargo ships would make the journey between Australia and China and back again. But thanks to Morrison’s uncompromising approach, that has slowed to a trickle.
Mr Morrison, who was the Immigration Minister initially credited with stopping asylum seeker vessels, was praised for his determination.
One policy expert said the Prime Minister was underestimated as usual. “A lot of people said it wasn’t possible to totally smash the business model of thousands of Australians companies. But, as we’ve often found before, people tend to underestimate what Scott Morrison can achieve”.


The Contact Tracies

With COVID spiralling out of control the Health Department has recruited the best contact tracers money can buy – two @ @ @ @ @ is part of the War On 2020 series , a collaboration between Chaser Digital , @ @ @ @ @ heap of other talented writers and performers .
This sketch was written by Nina Oyama @ @ @ @ @ by Victoria Zerbst and Jenna Owen .
It features Victoria Zerbst , Jenna Owen , @ @ @ @ @ .
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With COVID spiralling out of control the Health Department has recruited the best contact tracers money can buy – two teenage girls.
This sketch is part of the War On 2020 series, a collaboration between Chaser Digital, The Shovel and a whole heap of other talented writers and performers. This sketch was written by Nina Oyama and Rebecca Shaw and directed by Victoria Zerbst and Jenna Owen. It features Victoria Zerbst, Jenna Owen, Charles Firth and James Schloeffel.


theshovel--2020-12-14--Scott Morrison’s Curry Addiction

Scott Morrison’s Curry Addiction

There ’ s been a crisis meeting at the PM ’ s office about his love of curry metaphors .
@ @ @ @ @ the War On 2020 series , a collaboration between Chaser Digital , The Shovel and @ @ @ @ @ talented writers and performers .
This sketch was written by Mark Humphries and Evan Williams @ @ @ @ @ and Victoria Zerbst .
It features Mark Humphries , Nina Oyama , Nat Damena , @ @ @ @ @ and Zoe Norton Lodge .
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There’s been a crisis meeting at the PM’s office about his love of curry metaphors.
This sketch is part of the War On 2020 series, a collaboration between Chaser Digital, The Shovel and a whole heap of other talented writers and performers. This sketch was written by Mark Humphries and Evan Williams and directed by Jenna Owen and Victoria Zerbst. It features Mark Humphries, Nina Oyama, Nat Damena, Charles Firth, Victoria Zerbst and Zoe Norton Lodge.


QAnon Anonymous

We were given exclusive access to a ‘ QAnon Anonymous ’ meeting – for people addicted to insane conspiracy theories @ @ @ @ @ it … This sketch was written by James Schloeffel from The Shovel as part of @ @ @ @ @ , which is produced by Chaser digital and directed by Victoria Zerbst and Jenna Owen @ @ @ @ @ Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

We were given exclusive access to a ‘QAnon Anonymous’ meeting – for people addicted to insane conspiracy theories, including … wait for it …
This sketch was written by James Schloeffel from The Shovel as part of the War On 2020 series, which is produced by Chaser digital and directed by Victoria Zerbst and Jenna Owen.


theshovel--2020-12-17--Northern Beaches Residents Rush To Stock Up On Rock Lobsters And Prosecco, As Lockdown Looms

As COVID-19 case numbers surge in Sydney ’ s northern beaches , residents have swarmed local food stores to stock up on basics before an expected lockdown is enforced .
“ I managed to grab a few fresh lobsters , but haven ’ t got so much as a bottle of ’ 08 Bollinger in the car .
Everyone knows the ’ 06 is a much better match , ” one anxious driver said .
“ But it ’ s been wonderful to see the local community band together .
“ We ’ ve already been offered lots of sympathetic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s spare Egyptian cotton sheets .
“ The thread count is not what we ’ re used to , but a pandemic is all about making do.
” News of the impending closure sparked pandemonium at the region ’ s border as cashed up boomers sought to flee the city and reach their weekender mansions in time .
But many residents were celebrating the region ’ s isolation , saying it was long overdue .
Palm Beach Country Club president Bradley Mumford-Wallace said sobering news of a coronavirus outbreak had been brightened by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people from lesser areas .
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As COVID-19 case numbers surge in Sydney’s northern beaches, residents have swarmed local food stores to stock up on basics before an expected lockdown is enforced.
“I managed to grab a few fresh lobsters, but haven’t got so much as a bottle of ’08 Bollinger in the car. Everyone knows the ’06 is a much better match,” one anxious driver said.
“But it’s been wonderful to see the local community band together.
“We’ve already been offered lots of sympathetic emojis, not to mention someone’s spare Egyptian cotton sheets.
“The thread count is not what we’re used to, but a pandemic is all about making do.”
News of the impending closure sparked pandemonium at the region’s border as cashed up boomers sought to flee the city and reach their weekender mansions in time.
But many residents were celebrating the region’s isolation, saying it was long overdue. Palm Beach Country Club president Bradley Mumford-Wallace said sobering news of a coronavirus outbreak had been brightened by the notion of a summer devoid of people from lesser areas.
By Coral Tanner


theshovel--2020-12-20--New, Simpler Emergency-Alert System Just Requires Australians To Check Whether Scott Morrison Is On

New, Simpler Emergency-Alert System Just Requires Australians To Check Whether Scott Morrison Is On Holidays

Australia ’ s complex system of alerts and warning levels for national emergencies will be replaced by a clearer system whereby people will simply check to see if Scott Morrison has fucked off on holidays .
“ If he ’ s on holidays , assume there ’ s an emergency gripping the nation .
If he ’ s not , then you can safely say everything is under control , ” a spokesperson for the new system said .
“ We saw it last year when the bushfires were ravaging the country – there was some confusion about the various @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this system had been in place then , we could ’ ve just noted the fact that the PM was putting his feet up in a resort , and then instantly implemented emergency procedures ” .
The spokesperson said the new system was already working .
“ We were uncertain at first of the severity of the COVID situation in Sydney .
But then we noted that the PM was on holidays and we knew straight away that we had an emergency on our hands ” .
Despite widespread support , one policy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it is still not clear enough .
“ What we ’ ve seen all throughout this year is that if Scott Morrison is not officially on holiday then he is unofficially on holiday – building a cubby house for a guinea pig or some bullshit .
So it ’ s very hard to tell the difference ” .
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Australia’s complex system of alerts and warning levels for national emergencies will be replaced by a clearer system whereby people will simply check to see if Scott Morrison has fucked off on holidays.
“If he’s on holidays, assume there’s an emergency gripping the nation. If he’s not, then you can safely say everything is under control,” a spokesperson for the new system said.
“We saw it last year when the bushfires were ravaging the country – there was some confusion about the various different codes and warning levels. If this system had been in place then, we could’ve just noted the fact that the PM was putting his feet up in a resort, and then instantly implemented emergency procedures”.
The spokesperson said the new system was already working. “We were uncertain at first of the severity of the COVID situation in Sydney. But then we noted that the PM was on holidays and we knew straight away that we had an emergency on our hands”.
Despite widespread support, one policy expert criticised the new approach, saying it is still not clear enough. “What we’ve seen all throughout this year is that if Scott Morrison is not officially on holiday then he is unofficially on holiday – building a cubby house for a guinea pig or some bullshit. So it’s very hard to tell the difference”.


Symbolic Gesture Day

Have you posted a black square to your social media ?
Put a filter on your Facebook icon ?
Well @ @ @ @ @ day just for you to pat yourself on the back despite doing absolutely nothing !
@ @ @ @ @ War On 2020 series , a collaboration between Chaser Digital , The Shovel and a @ @ @ @ @ writers and performers .
This sketch was written by Steph Tisdell and directed by Victoria @ @ @ @ @ It features Steph Tisdell , Mark Humphries , Jenna Owen , Barton Welch and Charles @ @ @ @ @ .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Have you posted a black square to your social media? Put a filter on your Facebook icon? Well now there’s a day just for you to pat yourself on the back despite doing absolutely nothing!
This is part of the War On 2020 series, a collaboration between Chaser Digital, The Shovel and a whole heap of other talented writers and performers. This sketch was written by Steph Tisdell and directed by Victoria Zerbst and Jenna Owen. It features Steph Tisdell, Mark Humphries, Jenna Owen, Barton Welch and Charles Firth.


Dickhead-19

COVID wasn ’ t the only pandemic that swept the world this year .
This sketch was written by Mark @ @ @ @ @ part of the War On 2020 series , which is directed by Jenna Owen and @ @ @ @ @ Mark Humphries , Zoe Norton Lodge , Sami Shah , Dr Norman Swan , Nat @ @ @ @ @ Support The Shovel .
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COVID wasn’t the only pandemic that swept the world this year.
This sketch was written by Mark Humphries and Evan Williams as part of the War On 2020 series, which is directed by Jenna Owen and Victoria Zerbst. It features Mark Humphries, Zoe Norton Lodge, Sami Shah, Dr Norman Swan, Nat Damena and James Schloeffel.


theshovel--2020-12-22--Ghislaine Maxwell’s First Day in Prison

Ghislaine Maxwell’s First Day in Prison

Ghislaine Maxwell , notorious associate of Jeffrey Epstein , quickly begins to suspect her guards aren ’ t taking her @ @ @ @ @ part of the War On 2020 series , a collaboration between Chaser Digital , The @ @ @ @ @ of other talented writers and performers .
This sketch was written by Sami Shah and @ @ @ @ @ Jenna Owen .
It features Sami Shah and Jenna Owen .
Support The Shovel .
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Ghislaine Maxwell, notorious associate of Jeffrey Epstein, quickly begins to suspect her guards aren’t taking her safety seriously.
This is part of the War On 2020 series, a collaboration between Chaser Digital, The Shovel and a whole heap of other talented writers and performers. This sketch was written by Sami Shah and directed by Victoria Zerbst and Jenna Owen. It features Sami Shah and Jenna Owen.


theshovel--2020-12-22--Scott Morrison Wishes Australians A Merry Christmas “From Me, Jen And The Whole Image Management Tea

Scott Morrison Wishes Australians A Merry Christmas “From Me, Jen And The Whole Image Management Team”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has bid Australians a safe and relaxing holiday from everyone at Scott-Morrison-Is-Just-Your-Average-Aussie-Dad™ Posting a picture of himself and the kids unsuspectingly caught on camera just being themselves during a carefully-managed photo shoot , Mr Morrison said it was a special time to catch up with loved ones .
“ This is a lovely time of year when Aussies come together with their family , makeup artists and professional photographers over a Chrissy lunch ” .
He said his family would be enjoying a traditional turkey for Christmas lunch , before an advisor reminded him that fresh @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Oh yeah , that ’ s right .
There ’ s nothing more fair dinkum , ridgy-didge and dinkey-die than throwing a couple of prawns on the barbie and tucking into a glass of wine … sorry I always get that bit wrong … with a couple of bottles of Great Northern from your local Dan Murphy ’ s ” The PM said , like other families around the country , he ’ ll spend Christmas eve getting some staffers to set up a trampoline before posing in front of it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ These things are so bloody complex !
The photo shoots I mean – we had to do at least eight different takes ” .
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Prime Minister Scott Morrison has bid Australians a safe and relaxing holiday from everyone at Scott-Morrison-Is-Just-Your-Average-Aussie-Dad™
Posting a picture of himself and the kids unsuspectingly caught on camera just being themselves during a carefully-managed photo shoot, Mr Morrison said it was a special time to catch up with loved ones.
“This is a lovely time of year when Aussies come together with their family, makeup artists and professional photographers over a Chrissy lunch”.
He said his family would be enjoying a traditional turkey for Christmas lunch, before an advisor reminded him that fresh prawns had tested better in focus groups.
“Oh yeah, that’s right. There’s nothing more fair dinkum, ridgy-didge and dinkey-die than throwing a couple of prawns on the barbie and tucking into a glass of wine … sorry I always get that bit wrong … with a couple of bottles of Great Northern from your local Dan Murphy’s”
The PM said, like other families around the country, he’ll spend Christmas eve getting some staffers to set up a trampoline before posing in front of it and pretending he built it himself. “These things are so bloody complex! The photo shoots I mean – we had to do at least eight different takes”.


Inducting Dictator Dan

The world ’ s most brutal dictators meet to decide if # DictatorDan has what it takes to join their @ @ @ @ @ of the War On 2020 series , a collaboration between Chaser Digital , The Shovel @ @ @ @ @ other talented writers and performers .
This sketch was written by Sami Shah and directed @ @ @ @ @ Owen .
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The world’s most brutal dictators meet to decide if #DictatorDan has what it takes to join their club.
This is part of the War On 2020 series, a collaboration between Chaser Digital, The Shovel and a whole heap of other talented writers and performers. This sketch was written by Sami Shah and directed by Victoria Zerbst and Jenna Owen.


Fast Fashion Crackdown

Fast fashion finally gets the takedown it deserves .
This is part of the War On 2020 series , a @ @ @ @ @ The Shovel and a whole heap of other talented writers and performers .
This sketch @ @ @ @ @ Victoria Zerbst and Jenna Owen .
It features Victoria Zerbst , Jenna Owen , Charles @ @ @ @ @ Support The Shovel .
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Fast fashion finally gets the takedown it deserves.
This is part of the War On 2020 series, a collaboration between Chaser Digital, The Shovel and a whole heap of other talented writers and performers. This sketch was written and directed by Victoria Zerbst and Jenna Owen. It features Victoria Zerbst, Jenna Owen, Charles Firth and Angus Firth.


theshovel--2020-12-24--The Queen’s 2020 Christmas Message Is A Bit Different This Year

We received a leaked transcript of the Queen ’ s 2020 Christmas message .
Here it is in full .
“ Most years I would be speaking to you after a cheerful Christmas lunch shared with family , close friends and staff .
This year , however , I am addressing you after a 3-hour ‘ virtual Royal Christmas lunch ’ on Zoom .
Jesus Fucking Christ .
I ’ ve been through a bit in my time , but trying to fake polite conversation with your idiot family members over a shaky internet connection is a new low .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ fucktonne of Pimms I don ’ t think I would ’ ve made it past the entrees .
One minute Charles is banging on and on and on about his new vegetable patch .
The next Harry is spinning some woke bullshit about privilege .
And then of course Andrew – well , he wanted everyone to know that the 16 year-old Scotch whiskey he was drinking actually seems older in real life .
Sure it does .
There were some silver linings .
Meghan thought no-one could hear her for the entire @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but it was actually because I had control of the mute button .
The benefits of being Zoom host .
But apart from those rare highlights , the whole thing was a disaster .
An appropriately shit end to a massively shit year .
Of course we have had trying years before .
But 2020 has been a special kind of shit hasn ’ t it ?
And no , I ’ m not talking about the coronavirus .
Spare me .
I ’ ve lived through a world war and ten years @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are having a whinge about being asked to stay at home to watch Amazon Prime for a few months ?
Toughen up princesses .
I remember a time when the nation had to ration food because it was being bombed every night by Nazis .
Now we run out of food because some fucktrumpet thinks they can outsmart a virus by buying 400 packets of spaghetti .
Idiots .
No , there are other , more compelling reasons why 2020 has been a total shitshow .
My son hangs out with paedophiles , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ And then of course there ’ s my grandson who thinks he can just fuck off to America like he ’ s on some kind of all-expenses-paid gap year .
And that ’ s before we even get to Boris Johnson .
Can you imagine what it ’ s like to have to deal with this absolute arseclown ?
I used to convene with Churchill , Thatcher – people of substance .
And now they send me this overgrown toddler whose Mummy forgot to comb his hair .
Which is a nice link @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t it .
Because Christmas , after all , is about the birth of a child who would go on to lead the world .
And my goodness haven ’ t we got plenty of children leading the world right now .
So Merry Christmas .
Toddle off now .
I ’ m off to finish that bottle of Pimms and live forever ” .
This is an edited extract from the 2020 Shovel Annual Support The Shovel .
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We received a leaked transcript of the Queen’s 2020 Christmas message. Here it is in full.
“Most years I would be speaking to you after a cheerful Christmas lunch shared with family, close friends and staff.
This year, however, I am addressing you after a 3-hour ‘virtual Royal Christmas lunch’ on Zoom. Jesus Fucking Christ. I’ve been through a bit in my time, but trying to fake polite conversation with your idiot family members over a shaky internet connection is a new low. If it weren’t for a fucktonne of Pimms I don’t think I would’ve made it past the entrees.
One minute Charles is banging on and on and on about his new vegetable patch. The next Harry is spinning some woke bullshit about privilege. And then of course Andrew – well, he wanted everyone to know that the 16 year-old Scotch whiskey he was drinking actually seems older in real life. Sure it does.
There were some silver linings. Meghan thought no-one could hear her for the entire lunch because of a technical issue, but it was actually because I had control of the mute button. The benefits of being Zoom host.
But apart from those rare highlights, the whole thing was a disaster. An appropriately shit end to a massively shit year.
Of course we have had trying years before. But 2020 has been a special kind of shit hasn’t it? And no, I’m not talking about the coronavirus. Spare me. I’ve lived through a world war and ten years of Tony Blair, and you lot are having a whinge about being asked to stay at home to watch Amazon Prime for a few months? Toughen up princesses.
I remember a time when the nation had to ration food because it was being bombed every night by Nazis. Now we run out of food because some fucktrumpet thinks they can outsmart a virus by buying 400 packets of spaghetti. Idiots.
No, there are other, more compelling reasons why 2020 has been a total shitshow. My son hangs out with paedophiles, my husband is still a racist. And then of course there’s my grandson who thinks he can just fuck off to America like he’s on some kind of all-expenses-paid gap year.
And that’s before we even get to Boris Johnson. Can you imagine what it’s like to have to deal with this absolute arseclown? I used to convene with Churchill, Thatcher – people of substance. And now they send me this overgrown toddler whose Mummy forgot to comb his hair.
Which is a nice link to the Christmas story really isn’t it. Because Christmas, after all, is about the birth of a child who would go on to lead the world. And my goodness haven’t we got plenty of children leading the world right now.
So Merry Christmas. Toddle off now. I’m off to finish that bottle of Pimms and live forever”.
This is an edited extract from the 2020 Shovel Annual


Santa’s Workshop

Santa and his elves are hard at work making toys this year , but after months of people being stuck @ @ @ @ @ are a little… different .
This is part of the War On 2020 series , @ @ @ @ @ , The Shovel and a whole heap of other talented writers and performers .
This @ @ @ @ @ by Victoria Zerbst and Jenna Owen .
Support The Shovel .
Or follow us on @ @ @ @ @ | Instagram

Santa and his elves are hard at work making toys this year, but after months of people being stuck at home, the requests are a little… different.
This is part of the War On 2020 series, a collaboration between Chaser Digital, The Shovel and a whole heap of other talented writers and performers. This sketch was written and directed by Victoria Zerbst and Jenna Owen.


theshovel--2020-12-31--Sydney Man To Sidestep NYE Restrictions By Holding ‘SCG Test Match’-Themed Party For 20,000 Mates

With limits on household gatherings reduced to just five , Sydney man Johno Braddon has cancelled his original plan to @ @ @ @ @ s eve party for fifteen friends , and will instead hold a cricket-themed event for @ @ @ @ @ .
“ It seemed like the responsible thing to do .
I wanted to be @ @ @ @ @ guidelines , ” Braddon said , adding that he has asked guests to come dressed @ @ @ @ @ a more authentic feel .
The 28 year-old agreed that having 15-20 people around for @ @ @ @ @ for disaster .
“ The safest place to be this new year ’ s eve @ @ @ @ @ or 20,000 random people from across the city ” .
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With limits on household gatherings reduced to just five, Sydney man Johno Braddon has cancelled his original plan to throw a new year’s eve party for fifteen friends, and will instead hold a cricket-themed event for 20,000 of his closest mates.
“It seemed like the responsible thing to do. I wanted to be sure I stayed within the guidelines,” Braddon said, adding that he has asked guests to come dressed in cricket supporter gear for a more authentic feel.
The 28 year-old agreed that having 15-20 people around for a BBQ was a recipe for disaster.
“The safest place to be this new year’s eve is with your immediate family or 20,000 random people from across the city”.


theshovel--2020-01-22--The Shovel Crossword #1

The Shovel Crossword #1

It ’ s the one thing that ’ s been missing from your life this whole time – a satirical @ @ @ @ @ just like the New York Times crossword , but with more questions about Engadine Maccas @ @ @ @ @ ask : Creating all this relentless comedy takes time .
So if you enjoyed this @ @ @ @ @ donating to The Shovel .
It costs as little as $ 3 a month – @ @ @ @ @ cheap coffee , or an hour ’ s wages at a George Calombaris restaurant .
@ @ @ @ @ Shovel member .
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It’s the one thing that’s been missing from your life this whole time – a satirical crossword. It’s just like the New York Times crossword, but with more questions about Engadine Maccas.
A small favour to ask: Creating all this relentless comedy takes time. So if you enjoyed this crossword, you might consider donating to The Shovel. It costs as little as $3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee, or an hour’s wages at a George Calombaris restaurant. Click here.


theshovel--2020-02-03--“I Just Want The Government Out Of My Life,” Joyce Says, Announcing Bid For Leadership Of Major Poli

“I Just Want The Government Out Of My Life,” Joyce Says, Announcing Bid For Leadership Of Major Political Party

Barnaby Joyce says he is sick and tired of the Government being involved in his life and that he will immediately seek the Deputy Prime Ministership .
On a YouTube video recorded using a government-funded phone , Mr Joyce said enough was enough .
“ I can ’ t think of a single part of my life that isn ’ t influenced by the government .
It literally has its nose in everything , ” he said .
“ You get in a car and – guess what – it ’ s a government car .
You sit down at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ – it ’ s all paid for by the government .
I found out today that even my wage is paid for by the government .
It ’ s getting ridiculous .
I can ’ t even take a holiday these days without the government paying for it ” .
Mr Joyce said the best way to get the government out of his life was to be an integral part of it .
“ I just absolutely loathe Canberra , which is why I want to spend as much time there as possible @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ – 2020 Australian Tour ON SALE NOW Become a Shovel member .
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Barnaby Joyce says he is sick and tired of the Government being involved in his life and that he will immediately seek the Deputy Prime Ministership.
On a YouTube video recorded using a government-funded phone, Mr Joyce said enough was enough. “I can’t think of a single part of my life that isn’t influenced by the government. It literally has its nose in everything,” he said.
“You get in a car and – guess what – it’s a government car. You sit down at your office and – surprise, surprise – it’s all paid for by the government. I found out today that even my wage is paid for by the government. It’s getting ridiculous. I can’t even take a holiday these days without the government paying for it”.
Mr Joyce said the best way to get the government out of his life was to be an integral part of it. “I just absolutely loathe Canberra, which is why I want to spend as much time there as possible.
‘The Anti-Experts Guide To Everything’ – 2020 Australian Tour ON SALE NOW


theshovel--2020-02-03--Barnaby Joyce Asks For Privacy, As He Announces Plan To Return To National Party Leadership

Barnaby Joyce has announced his intention to challenge for the National Party leadership , saying he wants to step back @ @ @ @ @ more time on television .
The former leader said the constant media attention had taken @ @ @ @ @ was time to be the face of the National Party .
“ Again and again @ @ @ @ @ media to respect my privacy , ” Mr Joyce said on a national speaking tour @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I ’ ve said it on radio , on prime time television , @ @ @ @ @ weird YouTube videos .
“ All Vicki and I ask for is the chance to @ @ @ @ @ lives , which you can read more about in my new book ” .
Become @ @ @ @ @ follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Barnaby Joyce has announced his intention to challenge for the National Party leadership, saying he wants to step back from the spotlight and spend more time on television.
The former leader said the constant media attention had taken its toll and that it was time to be the face of the National Party.
“Again and again I’ve asked the media to respect my privacy,” Mr Joyce said on a national speaking tour to promote his potential candidacy. “I’ve said it on radio, on prime time television, in newspaper features and on weird YouTube videos.
“All Vicki and I ask for is the chance to get on with our private lives, which you can read more about in my new book”.
With Dom Ingersole


theshovel--2020-02-02--Bridget McKenzie Has Moved To The Coalition Backbenches, Which Incidentally Have Been Beautifully Up

Bridget McKenzie Has Moved To The Coalition Backbenches, Which Incidentally Have Been Beautifully Upgraded Thanks To A Generous Government Grant

Bridget McKenzie has resigned from her ministerial role , and will take up a position on the Coalition backbenches – @ @ @ @ @ $ 500,000 federal government grant .
Mixing imported pine with Italian leather , the benches @ @ @ @ @ change room facility – a feature which was embarrassingly missing from the previous benches .
@ @ @ @ @ the backbenches had been in urgent need of repair , with many MPs having to @ @ @ @ @ not been re-upholstered for months .
Many seats didn ’ t even come with gun @ @ @ @ @ Greens and independent benches narrowly missed out on upgrade grants .
Prime Minister Scott Morrison @ @ @ @ @ Ms McKenzie to stand down , but also praised her achievements .
“ Thanks to @ @ @ @ @ actions , Ministerial standards have been resorted , as has the Mosman Equestrian Club grandstand @ @ @ @ @ member .
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Bridget McKenzie has resigned from her ministerial role, and will take up a position on the Coalition backbenches – tastefully restored thanks to a $500,000 federal government grant.
Mixing imported pine with Italian leather, the benches each have their own private change room facility – a feature which was embarrassingly missing from the previous benches.
A government spokesperson confirmed that the backbenches had been in urgent need of repair, with many MPs having to sit on seats that had not been re-upholstered for months. Many seats didn’t even come with gun club membership.
Labor, Greens and independent benches narrowly missed out on upgrade grants.
Prime Minister Scott Morrison said it was right for Ms McKenzie to stand down, but also praised her achievements. “Thanks to Bridget McKenzie’s selfless actions, Ministerial standards have been resorted, as has the Mosman Equestrian Club grandstand”.


theshovel--2020-02-02--Morrison Relieved To Finally Have A Crisis That Involves Barring People From Entering Australia

After weeks of being forced to deal with the boring details of the domestic bushfire crisis , Scott Morrison says he finally feels himself again after being given the opportunity to stop people from coming to Australia .
“ This is why I got into politics ; this is what gets me up in the morning , ” Mr Morrison said , announcing a ban of all Chinese people coming into Australia .
“ Let ’ s be honest , coordinating emergency relief for Australians who have lost everything is pretty boring really .
But banning Asians from entering Australia @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is what being Prime Minister of Australia is all about ” .
While many have been critical of the Prime Minister ’ s delayed response to the bushfires , insiders say Morrison is “ 110 % engaged ” in the coronavirus crisis .
“ He ’ s been working around the clock , ” one staffer said .
Mr Morrison had been holidaying with his family , but rushed back on the first flight home when advisors told him of the opportunity to ban foreigners .
“ Jen and the family will have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ important , ” he said .
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After weeks of being forced to deal with the boring details of the domestic bushfire crisis, Scott Morrison says he finally feels himself again after being given the opportunity to stop people from coming to Australia.
“This is why I got into politics; this is what gets me up in the morning,” Mr Morrison said, announcing a ban of all Chinese people coming into Australia.
“Let’s be honest, coordinating emergency relief for Australians who have lost everything is pretty boring really. But banning Asians from entering Australia is what makes me tick. This is what being Prime Minister of Australia is all about”.
While many have been critical of the Prime Minister’s delayed response to the bushfires, insiders say Morrison is “110% engaged” in the coronavirus crisis. “He’s been working around the clock,” one staffer said.
Mr Morrison had been holidaying with his family, but rushed back on the first flight home when advisors told him of the opportunity to ban foreigners. “Jen and the family will have to wait. This is far more important,” he said.


theshovel--2020-02-04--Richard Di Natale Resigns, Grows Beard, Then Returns To Greens’ Leadership

Greens ’ senator Richard Di Natale has stepped down from the leadership , grown a beard , changed his name and then returned to the leadership the following day , in a hilarious stunt that even caught colleagues by surprise .
Describing it as a ‘ totally new-look leadership team ’ , Mr Di Natale – who now prefers to go by the name of Adam Bandt – said he wanted to show how committed his party was to diversity .
“ This is a party for white men with brown hair and glasses , from all walks of life @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ve shown today , ” he said .
“ If you ’ re a 47 year old white male with three-day stubble , then that ’ s fine .
If you ’ re a 49 year-old white man without a beard , then that ’ s fine too .
If you prefer to wear a blue tie rather than a blue tie with an orange stripe , you ’ re welcome here .
I could ’ ve come in here today with no tie on at all and it wouldn ’ t have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
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Greens’ senator Richard Di Natale has stepped down from the leadership, grown a beard, changed his name and then returned to the leadership the following day, in a hilarious stunt that even caught colleagues by surprise.
Describing it as a ‘totally new-look leadership team’, Mr Di Natale – who now prefers to go by the name of Adam Bandt – said he wanted to show how committed his party was to diversity. “This is a party for all sorts of different white men with brown hair and glasses, from all walks of life. That’s what I’ve shown today,” he said.
“If you’re a 47 year old white male with three-day stubble, then that’s fine. If you’re a 49 year-old white man without a beard, then that’s fine too. If you prefer to wear a blue tie rather than a blue tie with an orange stripe, you’re welcome here. I could’ve come in here today with no tie on at all and it wouldn’t have made any difference,” he said.


theshovel--2020-02-03--Trump Calls For US To Leave EU Too

Trump Calls For US To Leave EU Too

US President Donald Trump has told a rally in Nebraska that it is time the United States followed Britain ’ @ @ @ @ @ .
To chants of “ USA !
USA !
” Mr Trump said America had @ @ @ @ @ and was being held back by the stringent demands of Brussels .
The President said @ @ @ @ @ with German Chancellor Angela Merkel , and was confident he could negotiate an exit deal @ @ @ @ @ s favour .
“ She was surprised to hear from me , let me tell @ @ @ @ @ t expecting this !
” he said to cheers .
“ But she was open @ @ @ @ @ – believe me – we ’ ll win this negotiation ” .
A poll showed @ @ @ @ @ voters supported the President ’ s plan to exit the EU .
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US President Donald Trump has told a rally in Nebraska that it is time the United States followed Britain’s lead and exited Europe.
To chants of “USA! USA!” Mr Trump said America had no place in the EU and was being held back by the stringent demands of Brussels.
The President said he had already begun talks with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and was confident he could negotiate an exit deal that was in America’s favour.
“She was surprised to hear from me, let me tell you. She wasn’t expecting this!” he said to cheers. “But she was open to a deal. And – believe me – we’ll win this negotiation”.
A poll showed that 90% of Trump voters supported the President’s plan to exit the EU.


theshovel--2020-02-04--Richard Di Natale Resigns To Take Up Full-Time Role In Wiggles

Former Greens ’ leader Richard Di Natale will become the fifth Wiggle , it has been confirmed .
Thanking colleagues @ @ @ @ @ Natale said he thoroughly enjoyed producing children ’ s entertainment , but believed now was @ @ @ @ @ on from the Greens .
“ It ’ s time to do something a little @ @ @ @ @ appeal to an older demographic .
The Wiggles gives me that opportunity , ” he @ @ @ @ @ in the past drawn attention to hotter potatoes and colder spaghetti , and Mr Di @ @ @ @ @ able to add to those debates .
“ We ’ ve seen over the past @ @ @ @ @ warmer and warmer .
The Wiggles have been saying this for a long time – @ @ @ @ @ , ” .
He would not be drawn on what type of fuel the Wiggles @ @ @ @ @ .
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Former Greens’ leader Richard Di Natale will become the fifth Wiggle, it has been confirmed.
Thanking colleagues and staff, Mr Di Natale said he thoroughly enjoyed producing children’s entertainment, but believed now was the right time to move on from the Greens.
“It’s time to do something a little more serious, and to appeal to an older demographic. The Wiggles gives me that opportunity,” he said.
The Wiggles have in the past drawn attention to hotter potatoes and colder spaghetti, and Mr Di Natale said he would be able to add to those debates. “We’ve seen over the past decade that potatoes are getting warmer and warmer. The Wiggles have been saying this for a long time – the science is pretty clear,”.
He would not be drawn on what type of fuel the Wiggles’ Big Red Car uses.