theshovel--2020-04-22--Turnbull Spends $1.7 Million Buying Copies Of His Autobiography

Former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has made a one-off donation to his book sales figures , buying 45,000 copies – or $ 1.75 million worth – of his autobiography A Bigger Picture .
Mr Turnbull said he was pleasantly surprised to see that the book had debuted at number one on the bestseller lists .
“ Oh really ?
Number one eh ?
For that little side project .
What a lovely surprise .
I never would ’ ve thought it would be so popular , but there you go .
I guess Australians do want to hear the true @ @ @ @ @ @ @ down at the pinnacle of my Prime Ministership by scheming forces , ” he said .
Mr Turnbull said the $ 1.75 million investment was his and Lucy ’ s way of giving back .
“ I ’ ve done pretty well in life , so it ’ s part of my duty to give back .
And if that means buying the entire stock of a book that ’ s been released in the middle of a global pandemic , then so be it ” .
The investment will yield him $ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ PM said the 45,000 books will be housed in a separate wing of his house .
He intends to read each copy over the coming months .
A Bigger Picture retails for $ 39.95 or $ 0.00 if you have a mate in Scott Morrison ’ s office .
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Former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has made a one-off donation to his book sales figures, buying 45,000 copies – or $1.75 million worth – of his autobiography A Bigger Picture.
Mr Turnbull said he was pleasantly surprised to see that the book had debuted at number one on the bestseller lists. “Oh really? Number one eh? For that little side project. What a lovely surprise. I never would’ve thought it would be so popular, but there you go. I guess Australians do want to hear the true story about how I was brutally cut down at the pinnacle of my Prime Ministership by scheming forces,” he said.
Mr Turnbull said the $1.75 million investment was his and Lucy’s way of giving back. “I’ve done pretty well in life, so it’s part of my duty to give back. And if that means buying the entire stock of a book that’s been released in the middle of a global pandemic, then so be it”.
The investment will yield him $1 million in royalties.
The former PM said the 45,000 books will be housed in a separate wing of his house. He intends to read each copy over the coming months.
A Bigger Picture retails for $39.95 or $0.00 if you have a mate in Scott Morrison’s office.


theshovel--2020-04-23--Nation Totally Unsurprised That ‘Finance Guru’ Who Drives A Porsche And Is Called Dick Pusey Is A Fu

Nation Totally Unsurprised That ‘Finance Guru’ Who Drives A Porsche And Is Called Dick Pusey Is A Fuckwit

The chances of a Porsche-driving mortgage broker who is named after genitalia not being a total arsehole is zero , @ @ @ @ @ John Ledbury said that after analysing all of the evidence , the likelihood that this @ @ @ @ @ was indisputable .
“ We knew he drove a Porsche , so we were pretty @ @ @ @ @ .
Although you do like to give even Porsche drivers the benefit of the doubt @ @ @ @ @ we found out that he self describes as a ‘ finance guru ’ and is @ @ @ @ @ deduced that it was statistically impossible for him not to be a fuckhead .
“ @ @ @ @ @ a history of verbally abusing cancer sufferers and runs a company called Switch Now Home @ @ @ @ @ we needed ” .
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The chances of a Porsche-driving mortgage broker who is named after genitalia not being a total arsehole is zero, the nation says.
Analyst John Ledbury said that after analysing all of the evidence, the likelihood that this guy was a massive wanker was indisputable.
“We knew he drove a Porsche, so we were pretty certain right from the start. Although you do like to give even Porsche drivers the benefit of the doubt.
“But then when we found out that he self describes as a ‘finance guru’ and is literally a dick, we deduced that it was statistically impossible for him not to be a fuckhead.
“The fact that he has a history of verbally abusing cancer sufferers and runs a company called Switch Now Home Loans was more information than we needed”.


theshovel--2020-04-23--Kerry Stokes Discovers Cure For Coronavirus: Shit-Tonnes Of Money

In a stunning new finding , billionaire media mogul Kerry Stokes has discovered that having enormous amounts of wealth protects you from contracting COVID-19 .
Mr Stokes returned from a skiing holiday in Aspen this week and was able to avoid the quarantine restrictions enforced on ordinary Australians , with authorities concluding that a man with that much money couldn ’ t possibly contract the virus .
“ It was incredible how easily it worked , ” Mr Stokes said .
“ I ’ d been holidaying in one of the world ’ s worst coronavirus hotspots , so I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ But then I thought , hang on a second , I ’ m massively wealthy , that makes gives me immunity !
It was a wonderful discovery ” .
Stokes has encouraged the wider community to adopt his cure .
“ I ’ d urge everyone to have lots of money .
If we all just do the right thing and accumulate incredible wealth , we ’ ll defeat this virus in no time ” .
The breakthrough comes after other similar discoveries in the US .
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In a stunning new finding, billionaire media mogul Kerry Stokes has discovered that having enormous amounts of wealth protects you from contracting COVID-19.
Mr Stokes returned from a skiing holiday in Aspen this week and was able to avoid the quarantine restrictions enforced on ordinary Australians, with authorities concluding that a man with that much money couldn’t possibly contract the virus.
“It was incredible how easily it worked,” Mr Stokes said. “I’d been holidaying in one of the world’s worst coronavirus hotspots, so I thought I might be at risk. But then I thought, hang on a second, I’m massively wealthy, that makes gives me immunity! It was a wonderful discovery”.
Stokes has encouraged the wider community to adopt his cure. “I’d urge everyone to have lots of money. If we all just do the right thing and accumulate incredible wealth, we’ll defeat this virus in no time”.
The breakthrough comes after other similar discoveries in the US.


theshovel--2020-04-25--Trump’s Suggestion To Inject Disinfectant Falls Flat After Supporters Forced To Contend With Childpr

Trump’s Suggestion To Inject Disinfectant Falls Flat After Supporters Forced To Contend With Childproof Cap

Donald Trump ’ s suggestion that injecting disinfectant could cure COVID-19 has not led to mass poisoning as first feared , with Trump ’ s supporters unable to get past the childproof caps on disinfectant bottles .
The makers of Dettol were ( literally ) forced to release a rushed statement reminding consumers NOT to inject their product under any circumstances , but especially when it is recommend to you by an insane man with a fluorescent face .
But those warnings were later found to be unnecessary .
“ We needn ’ t have worried , ” a spokesperson @ @ @ @ @ @ @ caps are very effective at keeping out children – whether that ’ s a 4 year-old child or a 70 year-old child – so there haven ’ t been any adverse effects ” .
One Trump supporter – who rushed out to panic-buy as many bottles of Dettol , Pinoclean and Domestos as he could – said all 200 bottles were faulty .
“ You can ’ t open them .
The lids are stuck on .
Must ’ ve been some kind of fault at the factory , ” he said .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ torch up his bum instead .
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Donald Trump’s suggestion that injecting disinfectant could cure COVID-19 has not led to mass poisoning as first feared, with Trump’s supporters unable to get past the childproof caps on disinfectant bottles.
The makers of Dettol were (literally) forced to release a rushed statement reminding consumers NOT to inject their product under any circumstances, but especially when it is recommend to you by an insane man with a fluorescent face. But those warnings were later found to be unnecessary.
“We needn’t have worried,” a spokesperson for Dettol said today. “Those caps are very effective at keeping out children – whether that’s a 4 year-old child or a 70 year-old child – so there haven’t been any adverse effects”.
One Trump supporter – who rushed out to panic-buy as many bottles of Dettol, Pinoclean and Domestos as he could – said all 200 bottles were faulty. “You can’t open them. The lids are stuck on. Must’ve been some kind of fault at the factory,” he said.
He said he would try shining a torch up his bum instead.


theshovel--2020-04-25--New Poll Shows Majority Of People Who Voted For Trump Were Being Sarcastic

A new Gallup poll has revealed that a staggering 96 percent of Americans who voted for Donald Trump in the 2016 election were doing so sarcastically .
The data suggests that sarcasm is now a political priority for Republican Party supporters as well as their members , following President ’ s Trump claim that his suggestion to inject disinfectant into the bloodstream to cure coronavirus was actually a sarcastic remark .
Coincidentally , 4 percent of Trump supporters were rushed to the emergency room last night for self-administered injections of bleach and Lysol .
A number of world leaders have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump ’ s health advice was issued sarcastically .
Mexican president Andrés Manuel López Obrador said , “ Oh , President Trump said that , did he ?
In that case , we ’ re totally going to build a wall and then pay for it.
” Bernie Sanders commented , “ I always knew that President Trump , the medical genius that he is , would be able to inject some levity into the situation with a good dose of sarcasm during a worldwide pandemic that has caused 200,000 deaths worldwide .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the collective intelligence of the American people to elect a tremendous leader.
” President Trump was asked for a response , but he declined , other than to say that he didn ’ t appreciate the sarcastic tone of the article .
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A new Gallup poll has revealed that a staggering 96 percent of Americans who voted for Donald Trump in the 2016 election were doing so sarcastically.
The data suggests that sarcasm is now a political priority for Republican Party supporters as well as their members, following President’s Trump claim that his suggestion to inject disinfectant into the bloodstream to cure coronavirus was actually a sarcastic remark.
Coincidentally, 4 percent of Trump supporters were rushed to the emergency room last night for self-administered injections of bleach and Lysol.
A number of world leaders have expressed their opinions following the revelation that Trump’s health advice was issued sarcastically.
Mexican president Andrés Manuel López Obrador said, “Oh, President Trump said that, did he? In that case, we’re totally going to build a wall and then pay for it.”
Bernie Sanders commented, “I always knew that President Trump, the medical genius that he is, would be able to inject some levity into the situation with a good dose of sarcasm during a worldwide pandemic that has caused 200,000 deaths worldwide. You know you can always count on the collective intelligence of the American people to elect a tremendous leader.”
President Trump was asked for a response, but he declined, other than to say that he didn’t appreciate the sarcastic tone of the article.
______________
By Ben Schultz


theshovel--2020-04-26--It’s Probably Just A Bug, But Apparently When You Download The CovidSafe App Peter Dutton Gets A Bon

It’s Probably Just A Bug, But Apparently When You Download The CovidSafe App Peter Dutton Gets A Boner

In what has been described as a programming glitch , The new CovidSafe app is reportedly giving Home Affairs Minister @ @ @ @ @ time it is downloaded .
Those familiar with the situation said even the smallest curtailment @ @ @ @ @ to a physical response from Mr Dutton .
“ He ’ s always got pretty @ @ @ @ @ .
So to have million of little bits of data all at once is a @ @ @ @ @ , ” one source said .
Mr Dutton has denied the claims saying , “ @ @ @ @ @ , and … ooh wow , hold on , there ’ s another one downloaded @ @ @ @ @ just a childish attempt to divert attention from… hang on , oooh yes , just @ @ @ @ @ please ” .
Privacy experts have advised not to touch it .
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In what has been described as a programming glitch, The new CovidSafe app is reportedly giving Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton a hard-on every time it is downloaded.
Those familiar with the situation said even the smallest curtailment of civil liberties could lead to a physical response from Mr Dutton.
“He’s always got pretty excited about accessing personal data. So to have million of little bits of data all at once is a little bit overwhelming for Peter,” one source said.
Mr Dutton has denied the claims saying, “These stories are absolutely false, and … ooh wow, hold on, there’s another one downloaded … it’s clearly just a childish attempt to divert attention from… hang on, oooh yes, just excuse me for a minute please”.
Privacy experts have advised not to touch it.


theshovel--2020-04-27--We Downloaded CovidSafe And It’s The Weirdest Dating App Ever

There are a lot of dating apps around these days , and they all have their quirks .
But this new CovidSafe thing that everyone is downloading at the moment is by far the strangest .
For starters , you only get matched with people who you ’ ve already met .
What ?
Shouldn ’ t it be the other way around ?
Surely you match with someone first and then you decide if you want to meet up ?
It means it ’ s impossible to meet new people with this app .
The only matches I got @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Coles delivery guy .
Not exactly what I had in mind for a hook-up app .
The other weird thing is that once you ’ ve matched with someone , it sends an alert out to everyone else you ’ ve hooked up with over the past few weeks to let them know too .
Kinky , sure , but kinda odd .
But the most bizarre thing of all is that it only matches you with people who are feeling sick right now .
That ’ s some weird-arse shit .
Sure @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but let ’ s keep things healthy .
Especially during a pandemic .
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There are a lot of dating apps around these days, and they all have their quirks. But this new CovidSafe thing that everyone is downloading at the moment is by far the strangest.
For starters, you only get matched with people who you’ve already met. What? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Surely you match with someone first and then you decide if you want to meet up?
It means it’s impossible to meet new people with this app. The only matches I got were for my long-term girlfriend and the Coles delivery guy. Not exactly what I had in mind for a hook-up app.
The other weird thing is that once you’ve matched with someone, it sends an alert out to everyone else you’ve hooked up with over the past few weeks to let them know too. Kinky, sure, but kinda odd.
But the most bizarre thing of all is that it only matches you with people who are feeling sick right now. That’s some weird-arse shit. Sure, physical attributes aren’t everything, but let’s keep things healthy. Especially during a pandemic.


theshovel--2020-04-27--New App To Alert Australians When Prime Minister Gets Within 1.5 Metres Of Hawaii

A new tracking app to be launched next week will send a notification to every Australian when the Prime Minister decides to fuck off to Hawaii .
Experts say the new technology – named ScomoSafe – will allow the country to track down its leader much more quickly in times of crisis .
“ Up until now contact tracing of the Prime Minister has been a very manual process .
It took us more than a week to work out who the hell was running the country back in December last year , for example .
“ But with this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whenever Scott Morrison decides to devolve all responsibility and go sit on a deckchair on a Hawaiian beach ” .
The app will also allow Australians to find out where Peter Dutton is hiding when an international cruise ship disembarks in Sydney Harbour during a pandemic .
“ When this happened last month we thought Peter Dutton had died .
But he was actually just in his home in Brisbane avoiding all responsibility .
With this new app we ’ ll be alerted of that immediately , ” a spokesperson said .
Developers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that will allow the app to track when Angus Taylor gets anywhere near the truth .
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A new tracking app to be launched next week will send a notification to every Australian when the Prime Minister decides to fuck off to Hawaii.
Experts say the new technology – named ScomoSafe – will allow the country to track down its leader much more quickly in times of crisis.
“Up until now contact tracing of the Prime Minister has been a very manual process. It took us more than a week to work out who the hell was running the country back in December last year, for example.
“But with this app, we will immediately be alerted whenever Scott Morrison decides to devolve all responsibility and go sit on a deckchair on a Hawaiian beach”.
The app will also allow Australians to find out where Peter Dutton is hiding when an international cruise ship disembarks in Sydney Harbour during a pandemic. “When this happened last month we thought Peter Dutton had died. But he was actually just in his home in Brisbane avoiding all responsibility. With this new app we’ll be alerted of that immediately,” a spokesperson said.
Developers say they are working on an update that will allow the app to track when Angus Taylor gets anywhere near the truth.
______________________________________________________________________
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theshovel--2020-04-27--BREAKING: Kim Jong-Un’s Doctor Has Died After ‘Complications’ Relating To Surgery

Kim Jong-Un ’ s doctor has not survived Kim Jong-Un ’ s heart surgery , sources say .
North Korea @ @ @ @ @ an operation on the Supreme leader earlier this month but later died of ‘ complications @ @ @ @ @ isn ’ t without its risks , and there is always chance of a fatality @ @ @ @ @ .
Just the tiniest mistake can be fatal ” a source familiar with the surgery @ @ @ @ @ have confirmed that as a result of the surgery Kim Jong-Un now has a heart @ @ @ @ @ t have a Seoul .
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Kim Jong-Un’s doctor has not survived Kim Jong-Un’s heart surgery, sources say.
North Korea’s leading surgeon performed an operation on the Supreme leader earlier this month but later died of ‘complications’.
“Heart surgery isn’t without its risks, and there is always chance of a fatality with a procedure like this. Just the tiniest mistake can be fatal” a source familiar with the surgery said.
North Korean officials have confirmed that as a result of the surgery Kim Jong-Un now has a heart. He still doesn’t have a Seoul.


theshovel--2020-04-28--Majority Of People On Crowded Beaches Are People Taking Photos Of Crowded Beaches, New Data Shows

More than 85 % of all people on Australia ’ s packed beaches and parks are people taking pictures of Australia ’ s packed beaches and parks , it has been revealed .
Thousands of Australians have expressed their outrage at images of beachgoers ignoring social distancing laws .
But analysis shows that most of those people are in the images themselves , taking photos of other photographers ignoring social distancing rules , who themselves are taking photos of other photographers ignoring social distancing rules .
“ All of those photos you see in the media showing packed beaches in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you take away the photographers , it ’ s really just a woman going for a jog , ” one photo analysis expert said .
“ One image , which looked at first glance to be a huge crowd of beachgoers , was actually just a man and his dog surrounded by a camera crew and 750 journalists from Seven News ” .
Journalists and citizen photographers claim it is their job to keep the public informed .
“ This morning we saw a man going for a swim by himself , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ colleagues and I went right up to him , put a microphone in his face and asked him why he was blatantly flouting social distancing laws ” .
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More than 85% of all people on Australia’s packed beaches and parks are Daily Mail and Channel 7 photographers taking pictures of Australia’s packed beaches and parks, it has been revealed.
Thousands of Australians have expressed their outrage at images of beachgoers ignoring social distancing laws. But analysis shows that most of those people are in the images themselves, taking photos of other photographers ignoring social distancing rules, who themselves are taking photos of other photographers ignoring social distancing rules.
“All of those photos you see in the media showing packed beaches in Sydney certainly look bad, but once you take away the photographers, it’s really just a woman going for a jog,” one photo analysis expert said.
“One image, which looked at first glance to be a huge crowd of beachgoers, was actually just a man and his dog surrounded by a camera crew and 750 journalists from Seven News”.
Journalists and citizen photographers claim it is their job to keep the public informed. “This morning we saw a man going for a swim by himself,” one journalist said. “So my colleagues and I went right up to him, put a microphone in his face and asked him why he was blatantly flouting social distancing laws”.


theshovel--2020-04-28--Man Has Only 694 Rolls Of Toilet Paper Left

Gold Coast man Brent Nicholson is down to his last 694 rolls of Quilton double length toilet paper , it has been revealed .
Nicholson said it was lucky that supermarkets were finally beginning to ease buying restrictions on toilet paper , given he only had 57 dozen rolls on hand .
“ It was getting to be touch and go there for a while .
The toilet paper room is only half full , ” he said .
He said his toilet paper situation could have been much worse had he contracted Covid-19 .
“ They say it ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ And , as everyone knows , the first thing you do when you get the flu is rush to the toilet ” .
Nicholson said he was smart to buy extra toilet paper back in February .
“ I bought 800 rolls at my local supermarket one Monday morning .
And then the next day I came back and they were totally out of stock , which was odd !
So I really was ahead of the game ” .
He has ordered $ 2,000 worth of toilet paper as part of his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ member .
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Gold Coast man Brent Nicholson is down to his last 694 rolls of Quilton double length toilet paper, it has been revealed.
Nicholson said it was lucky that supermarkets were finally beginning to ease buying restrictions on toilet paper, given he only had 57 dozen rolls on hand.
“It was getting to be touch and go there for a while. The toilet paper room is only half full,” he said.
He said his toilet paper situation could have been much worse had he contracted Covid-19. “They say it’s 1-2 weeks of flu-like symptoms. And, as everyone knows, the first thing you do when you get the flu is rush to the toilet”.
Nicholson said he was smart to buy extra toilet paper back in February. “I bought 800 rolls at my local supermarket one Monday morning. And then the next day I came back and they were totally out of stock, which was odd! So I really was ahead of the game”.
He has ordered $2,000 worth of toilet paper as part of his next online order.


theshovel--2020-04-28--Majority Of People On Crowded Beaches Are Daily Mail Photographers, New Data Shows

More than 85 % of all people on Australia ’ s packed beaches and parks are Daily Mail and Channel 7 photographers taking pictures of Australia ’ s packed beaches and parks , it has been revealed .
Thousands of Australians have expressed their outrage at images of beachgoers ignoring social distancing laws .
But analysis shows that most of those people are in the images themselves , taking photos of other photographers ignoring social distancing rules , who themselves are taking photos of other photographers ignoring social distancing rules .
“ All of those photos you see in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ look bad , but once you take away the photographers , it ’ s really just a woman going for a jog , ” one photo analysis expert said .
“ One image , which looked at first glance to be a huge crowd of beachgoers , was actually just a man and his dog surrounded by a camera crew and 750 journalists from Seven News ” .
Journalists and citizen photographers claim it is their job to keep the public informed .
“ This morning we saw a man going for a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said .
“ So my colleagues and I went right up to him , put a microphone in his face and asked him why he was blatantly flouting social distancing laws ” .
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theshovel--2020-04-29--Public Unsure How Boris Johnson Will Manage Dual Roles Of PM And Being A Father

As Boris Johnson announced the birth of his new baby today , many have been left wondering how he will balance the new responsibility of raising a child with his current role as Prime Minister .
As soon as the birth was announced talkback radio lit up , with many saying it was unreasonable for Britain to have to accept a Prime Minister whose mind would clearly be elsewhere .
“ I would ’ ve thought he would need to make a choice between being a father and having a career .
It ’ s one or the other , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said they felt they had been deceived .
“ We weren ’ t told he might be having a child when we voted for him .
I think we , as his employer , have a right to know this sort of thing .
I feel like we ’ ve been misled a little , ” caller Denis Christensen said .
Another caller said having a baby while in office showed Mr Johnson wasn ’ t taking the job seriously enough .
“ This is a full-time , serious job .
What we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Minister turning up to parliament looking dishevelled and unkempt , as if he hasn ’ t had time to get dressed properly or do his hair ” .
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As Boris Johnson announced the birth of his new baby today, many have been left wondering how he will balance the new responsibility of raising a child with his current role as Prime Minister.
As soon as the birth was announced talkback radio lit up, with many saying it was unreasonable for Britain to have to accept a Prime Minister whose mind would clearly be elsewhere.
“I would’ve thought he would need to make a choice between being a father and having a career. It’s one or the other,” caller Terry Lawson said.
Others said they felt they had been deceived. “We weren’t told he might be having a child when we voted for him. I think we, as his employer, have a right to know this sort of thing. I feel like we’ve been misled a little,” caller Denis Christensen said.
Another caller said having a baby while in office showed Mr Johnson wasn’t taking the job seriously enough. “This is a full-time, serious job. What we can’t have is our Prime Minister turning up to parliament looking dishevelled and unkempt, as if he hasn’t had time to get dressed properly or do his hair”.


theshovel--2020-04-29--Twiggy Forrest Stuns Everyone By Announcing He’ll Pay Tax

Following his surprise decision to buy millions of Covid-19 tests from China , Mining billionaire Andrew ‘ Twiggy ’ Forrest caught everyone off guard again today , announcing that he would pay a proper rate of company tax this year .
Representatives of the Government – who have allowed Mr Forrest ’ s company to pay single digit tax rates for years – were said to be totally blindsided by the announcement .
Treasurer Josh Frydenberg went as far to say that his government had been ambushed .
“ There ’ s a protocol that needs to be followed here @ @ @ @ @ @ @ multi-billion dollar mining companies pay a lower tax rate than your local fish and chip shop .
Everyone knows that .
We can ’ t all of a sudden have Twiggy Forrest coming in here without any warning saying he is going to just upend that arrangement .
“ If Twiggy all of a sudden starts paying hundreds of millions of dollars in tax , Australia may never benefit from the million of dollars he puts towards philanthropy each year ” .
Mr Forrest later clarified that the tax payment was technically a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the coming years .
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Following his surprise decision to buy millions of Covid-19 tests from China, Mining billionaire Andrew ‘Twiggy’ Forrest caught everyone off guard again today, announcing that he would pay a proper rate of company tax this year.
Representatives of the Government – who have allowed Mr Forrest’s company to pay single digit tax rates for years – were said to be totally blindsided by the announcement. Treasurer Josh Frydenberg went as far to say that his government had been ambushed.
“There’s a protocol that needs to be followed here, and that’s that large multi-billion dollar mining companies pay a lower tax rate than your local fish and chip shop. Everyone knows that. We can’t all of a sudden have Twiggy Forrest coming in here without any warning saying he is going to just upend that arrangement.
“If Twiggy all of a sudden starts paying hundreds of millions of dollars in tax, Australia may never benefit from the million of dollars he puts towards philanthropy each year”.
Mr Forrest later clarified that the tax payment was technically a loan which the Government will pay back in the coming years.


theshovel--2020-04-30--It’s Time For Angus Taylor To Adopt The Netflix Model And Release His Next Season Of Scandals All In

It’s Time For Angus Taylor To Adopt The Netflix Model And Release His Next Season Of Scandals All In One Go

For the past few years Australians have waited eagerly each week for the new Angus Taylor scandal to drop .
Who could forget the episode when it was revealed he was on the board of a company that had received $ 80 million of taxpayer money , without an open tender process ?
Or that one when he lied in his maiden speech about going to university with Naomi Wolf .
For some , the most memorable episode was when he used a forged document to discredit Sydney ’ s Lord Mayor .
For others , it was the time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a property he part owned ( loved the flashback to that story in yesterday ’ s episode by the way ) .
And then there was that wonderful episode where he accidentally congratulated himself in a Facebook post .
Hilarious !
While we ’ ve all laughed and cried ( mainly cried ) along with every episode , it could be time for a new approach .
The one-episode-a-week format feels a little dated .
And given we ’ re all in lockdown now , it seems an especially good time to adopt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ season of scandals in one go .
That way we can delve into all the totally fucked up things Angus is getting up to ( and getting away with ) at our own pace .
I don ’ t want to have to wait until next month to find out that Angus Taylor part owns the company that developed the Government ’ s CovidSafe app ( spoiler alert ) , or that he ’ s a director of a company that owns the land that will be used for the Government ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I want to jump ahead and see what documents Gus will forge for political gain , then that should be my choice .
Let ’ s get this happening !
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For the past few years Australians have waited eagerly each week for the new Angus Taylor scandal to drop. Who could forget the episode when it was revealed he was on the board of a company that had received $80 million of taxpayer money, without an open tender process?
Or that one when he lied in his maiden speech about going to university with Naomi Wolf.
For some, the most memorable episode was when he used a forged document to discredit Sydney’s Lord Mayor.
For others, it was the time his company illegally cleared endangered grassland on a property he part owned (loved the flashback to that story in yesterday’s episode by the way).
And then there was that wonderful episode where he accidentally congratulated himself in a Facebook post. Hilarious!
While we’ve all laughed and cried (mainly cried) along with every episode, it could be time for a new approach. The one-episode-a-week format feels a little dated. And given we’re all in lockdown now, it seems an especially good time to adopt the Netflix model of dropping a whole season of scandals in one go.
That way we can delve into all the totally fucked up things Angus is getting up to (and getting away with) at our own pace.
I don’t want to have to wait until next month to find out that Angus Taylor part owns the company that developed the Government’s CovidSafe app (spoiler alert), or that he’s a director of a company that owns the land that will be used for the Government’s next major building project. And if I want to jump ahead and see what documents Gus will forge for political gain, then that should be my choice. Let’s get this happening!
Fantastic. Great move. Well done Angus.


theshovel--2020-05-01--Lazy Mother-Of-Three Hasn’t Used Lockdown To Learn A Second Language Yet

Melbourne mother-of-three Sarah Waite hasn ’ t written a novel or learned Italian yet , it has been revealed .
While others have used the extended lockdown as an opportunity to finish a screenplay or write a cookbook , Waite has reportedly been lazing around doing her full-time job and home-schooling three children .
“ What a waste , ” friend Lucy McMillon posted on a Whatsapp group chat .
“ I learnt how to bake home-made hot cross buns and code a website , and that was just in the first week .
It ’ s week five and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ podcast yet .
What does she do with all this extra time we ’ ve been given ?
” .
Waite said she had hoped to develop a new hobby like pickling vegetables or playing viola , but had instead fritted away her time looking after kids and trying to get her home internet connection to work .
“ I haven ’ t even pitched an idea for a TV show yet , let alone finished an online degree in 18th century costume design .
I ’ m not sure what I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
I ’ m worried that we ’ ll come out of lockdown and I ’ ll look back and think – that was my chance to learn how to restore mid-century furniture and I blew it ” .
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Melbourne mother-of-three Sarah Waite hasn’t written a novel or learned Italian yet, it has been revealed.
While others have used the extended lockdown as an opportunity to finish a screenplay or write a cookbook, Waite has reportedly been lazing around doing her full-time job and home-schooling three children.
“What a waste,” friend Lucy McMillon posted on a Whatsapp group chat. “I learnt how to bake home-made hot cross buns and code a website, and that was just in the first week. It’s week five and Sarah hasn’t even launched a podcast yet. What does she do with all this extra time we’ve been given?”.
Waite said she had hoped to develop a new hobby like pickling vegetables or playing viola, but had instead fritted away her time looking after kids and trying to get her home internet connection to work.
“I haven’t even pitched an idea for a TV show yet, let alone finished an online degree in 18th century costume design. I’m not sure what I’ve done with all the extra time. I’m worried that we’ll come out of lockdown and I’ll look back and think – that was my chance to learn how to restore mid-century furniture and I blew it”.


theshovel--2020-04-30--Lockdown Should Be Extended By Another 2-3 Years, Just To Be Sure, Introverts Say

Saying it was better to be overly cautious at uncertain times like this , the nation ’ s introverts have called for social distancing rules to be maintained for at least another 2-3 years .
“ No-one likes being confined to their home by themselves with only a good book , a fridge full of food , a warm bed and a new Netflix series to get stuck into .
But these are the sacrifices we have to make in order to kill this virus , ” introvert Chloe Bradley said .
“ We all want to be able to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could go to a house party where we didn ’ t know anyone except the host who was occupied talking to other people for most of the night which meant we could talk to a whole heap of new people we ’ d never met before .
But the reality is , we ’ re going to have to forgo that luxury and stay at home and get used to our own company for a little bit longer ” .
Introvert William Denaly said he understood that people were eager to get back @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to be able to go back to our open plan offices so we can make small talk with people we don ’ t really know about what they ’ re up to this weekend .
But if we ’ re serious about crushing the curve , we ’ re going to have to work from home with just ourselves and our favourite music for a little longer ” .
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Saying it was better to be overly cautious at uncertain times like this, the nation’s introverts have called for social distancing rules to be maintained for at least another 2-3 years.
“No-one likes being confined to their home by themselves with only a good book, a fridge full of food, a warm bed and a new Netflix series to get stuck into. But these are the sacrifices we have to make in order to kill this virus,” introvert Chloe Bradley said.
“We all want to be able to go back to the days when we could go to a house party where we didn’t know anyone except the host who was occupied talking to other people for most of the night which meant we could talk to a whole heap of new people we’d never met before. But the reality is, we’re going to have to forgo that luxury and stay at home and get used to our own company for a little bit longer”.
Introvert William Denaly said he understood that people were eager to get back to their workplaces. “Everyone wants to be able to go back to our open plan offices so we can make small talk with people we don’t really know about what they’re up to this weekend. But if we’re serious about crushing the curve, we’re going to have to work from home with just ourselves and our favourite music for a little longer”.


theshovel--2020-05-01--Dutton: “I would’ve had Captain Cook’s boat towed back to England. Unless, of course, it was carryin

Dutton: “I would’ve had Captain Cook’s boat towed back to England. Unless, of course, it was carrying 850 passengers infected with coronavirus, in which case I would’ve organised a meet-and-greet at Circular Quay”.

Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton has weighed into the so-called ‘ culture wars ’ debate about Captain Cook , saying he would ’ ve had the explorer towed back to England , or at the very least detained on Manus Island .
Mr Dutton said under his tough border control policies , there would have been no exemptions made for international explorers sailing close to Australian waters , no matter where they came from .
“ The obvious exception would ’ ve been if there was a high risk that the passengers and crew were Covid-19 positive .
In that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to immediately dock in central Sydney and for the passengers to disembark as they saw fit ” .
He said having control over the nation ’ s borders was paramount .
“ The message on this couldn ’ t be clearer .
It doesn ’ t matter who you are – if you come here on a boat , you won ’ t be allowed to land here unless you ’ ve got a highly transmissible disease or au pair employment with someone I know ” .
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Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton has weighed into the so-called ‘culture wars’ debate about Captain Cook, saying he would’ve had the explorer towed back to England, or at the very least detained on Manus Island.
Mr Dutton said under his tough border control policies, there would have been no exemptions made for international explorers sailing close to Australian waters, no matter where they came from.
“The obvious exception would’ve been if there was a high risk that the passengers and crew were Covid-19 positive. In that case I would have instructed the boat to immediately dock in central Sydney and for the passengers to disembark as they saw fit”.
He said having control over the nation’s borders was paramount. “The message on this couldn’t be clearer. It doesn’t matter who you are – if you come here on a boat, you won’t be allowed to land here unless you’ve got a highly transmissible disease or au pair employment with someone I know”.


theshovel--2020-05-05--Jacinda Ardern Only One With Stable Enough Internet To Dial Into Meeting With Australian Leaders

The much-talked meeting between Jacinda Ardern and Australia ’ s national cabinet had to be abandoned today , after none of Australia ’ s state or federal leaders could get a steady internet connection .
The New Zealand PM was left to finish the call on her own .
The first words of the historic Trans-Tasman meeting were “ Can you hear me ?
What about now ?
” , followed by a rousing speech by Scott Morrison where he asked if this thing is on .
Scott Morrison then thanked Ms Ardern … joining … call … important … @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , before asking for technical assistance .
“ Sorry … telling me … connection unstable , ” he said .
NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian joined Mr Morrison in thanking Ms Ardern and … what … together … achieve … sorry … not … ..king … fuck this piece of shit .
New Zealand , which has proper internet , said it would seek to reschedule the meeting to a landline telephone call later in the week .
It is the first time a New Zealander has participated in an Australian cabinet meeting since @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Shovel member .
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The much-talked meeting between Jacinda Ardern and Australia’s national cabinet had to be abandoned today, after none of Australia’s state or federal leaders could get a steady internet connection. The New Zealand PM was left to finish the call on her own.
The first words of the historic Trans-Tasman meeting were “Can you hear me? What about now?”, followed by a rousing speech by Scott Morrison where he asked if this thing is on.
Scott Morrison then thanked Ms Ardern … joining … call … important … joint … pandemic … dropping … out, before asking for technical assistance. “Sorry … telling me … connection unstable,” he said.
NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian joined Mr Morrison in thanking Ms Ardern and … what … together … achieve … sorry … not … ..king … fuck this piece of shit.
New Zealand, which has proper internet, said it would seek to reschedule the meeting to a landline telephone call later in the week.
It is the first time a New Zealander has participated in an Australian cabinet meeting since Barnaby Joyce in 2018.


theshovel--2020-05-05--COVID Meeting: Australia And New Zealand Agree To Stay At Least 2,100km Apart For Foreseeable Future

Saying there was still a long way to go before the two countries could realistically come into contact again , @ @ @ @ @ agreed to maintain a distance of at least 2,100km until further notice .
In a @ @ @ @ @ s special national cabinet meeting , Scott Morrison and Jacinda Ardern praised the two countries @ @ @ @ @ for the past 105 million years , acknowledging that being isolated at the bottom of @ @ @ @ @ But they said it was still too early to say exactly when the two nations @ @ @ @ @ “ This is not something we want to rush .
We don ’ t want @ @ @ @ @ on it , although we know that will disappoint many geologists and geoscientists who are @ @ @ @ @ .
But what we do know is that it is something that will be reduced @ @ @ @ @ Shovel member .
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Saying there was still a long way to go before the two countries could realistically come into contact again, Australia and New Zealand have agreed to maintain a distance of at least 2,100km until further notice.
In a joint statement following today’s special national cabinet meeting, Scott Morrison and Jacinda Ardern praised the two countries for maintaining a physical distance for the past 105 million years, acknowledging that being isolated at the bottom of the globe was difficult. But they said it was still too early to say exactly when the two nations could come together again.
“This is not something we want to rush. We don’t want to put an exact timeframe on it, although we know that will disappoint many geologists and geoscientists who are working to do just that. But what we do know is that it is something that will be reduced incrementally”.


theshovel--2020-05-05--40-Million-Barrel Global Oil Surplus Caused By Cancellation Of Body Building Championship, Analysts

40-Million-Barrel Global Oil Surplus Caused By Cancellation Of Body Building Championship, Analysts Say

The cancellation of the World Body Building Championships last month is the reason for the record glut in crude oil supplies , analysts have confirmed .
With excess capacity now sitting at over 40 million barrels and with storage options running out , experts say a loosening of restrictions for bodybuilding events may be the only way to shift excess supplies and stabilise the oil price into the future .
“ We ’ re working with the Body Building Association right now to find a way out of this , ” an oil industry spokesperson said .
“ We ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to each competitor ’ s home and then running the event via a video link .
“ We think we can probably get 20,000 to 30,000 barrels of oil to each competitor , which wouldn ’ t be enough to lather their whole body of course , but would hopefully be enough to lather their arms and chest and get the comp up and running again ” .
Competitors are divided on the proposal , with some saying only using 20,000 barrels of oil to prepare for a competition would look unprofessional .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Scotland has also emerged as a potential saviour for the industry , saying he planned to make a deep fried Mars bar this weekend which would require around 1 million barrels of oil .
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The cancellation of the World Body Building Championships last month is the reason for the record glut in crude oil supplies, analysts have confirmed.
With excess capacity now sitting at over 40 million barrels and with storage options running out, experts say a loosening of restrictions for bodybuilding events may be the only way to shift excess supplies and stabilise the oil price into the future.
“We’re working with the Body Building Association right now to find a way out of this,” an oil industry spokesperson said.
“We’ve talked about potentially shipping bulk oil to each competitor’s home and then running the event via a video link.
“We think we can probably get 20,000 to 30,000 barrels of oil to each competitor, which wouldn’t be enough to lather their whole body of course, but would hopefully be enough to lather their arms and chest and get the comp up and running again”.
Competitors are divided on the proposal, with some saying only using 20,000 barrels of oil to prepare for a competition would look unprofessional.
A fish and chip shop owner in Scotland has also emerged as a potential saviour for the industry, saying he planned to make a deep fried Mars bar this weekend which would require around 1 million barrels of oil.


theshovel--2020-05-06--Correct Pronunciation Of X Æ A-12 Is: “My · Pa-rents · Are · Wan-kers”

Experts have confirmed that the correct pronunciation of tech billionaire Elon Musk and singer Grimes ’ s newborn child X @ @ @ @ @ · Pa-rents · Are · Wan-kers ’ , or ‘ You-ll · be · bull-ied @ @ @ @ @ for short .
It clears up any confusion , with some fans thinking it was @ @ @ @ @ ’ .
One maths student thought it was an exam question .
The famous couple @ @ @ @ @ with the name themselves .
“ Unlike other children , our child is totally unique @ @ @ @ @ name that was difficult to spell and impossible to type , ” Musk said .
@ @ @ @ @ that a name is something that a child will have for the rest of its @ @ @ @ @ we wanted something that would draw as much attention to us over the next 24-48 @ @ @ @ @ Become a Shovel member .
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Experts have confirmed that the correct pronunciation of tech billionaire Elon Musk and singer Grimes’s newborn child X Æ A-12 is ‘My · Pa-rents · Are · Wan-kers’, or ‘You-ll · be · bull-ied · at · school’ for short.
It clears up any confusion, with some fans thinking it was pronounced ‘Pub-lic-i-ty · Whore’. One maths student thought it was an exam question.
The famous couple said they had come up with the name themselves. “Unlike other children, our child is totally unique. So we wanted a name that was difficult to spell and impossible to type,” Musk said.
“But we also know that a name is something that a child will have for the rest of its life, which is why we wanted something that would draw as much attention to us over the next 24-48 hours as possible”.


theshovel--2020-05-06--Time To Get Economy Up And Running Again, Virus Says

The COVID-19 virus has called on the government to get people back to work as soon as possible .
Saying it was ridiculous that it was still prohibited for large groups to congregate in public places , the Virus For The Economy lobby group declared that it was essential to start easing lockdown restrictions as soon as possible .
“ All we want is for people to be able to go back to work and go about their daily lives again – that ’ s what we ’ re calling for .
It ’ s as simple as that , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ The economic losses are mounting .
If we don ’ t open up office buildings , public transport and city streets soon , we could lose all of the gains that we ’ ve made to date .
We ’ re in danger of being out of work for good if this continues ” .
The spokesperson called on government officials to rethink restrictions on social gatherings too .
“ Like everyone else , we ’ re dying to be able to go to house parties and nightclubs again .
Let @ @ @ @ @ @ @ running ” .
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The COVID-19 virus has called on the government to get people back to work as soon as possible.
Saying it was ridiculous that it was still prohibited for large groups to congregate in public places, the Virus For The Economy lobby group declared that it was essential to start easing lockdown restrictions as soon as possible.
“All we want is for people to be able to go back to work and go about their daily lives again – that’s what we’re calling for. It’s as simple as that,” a spokesperson for the group said.
“The economic losses are mounting. If we don’t open up office buildings, public transport and city streets soon, we could lose all of the gains that we’ve made to date. We’re in danger of being out of work for good if this continues”.
The spokesperson called on government officials to rethink restrictions on social gatherings too. “Like everyone else, we’re dying to be able to go to house parties and nightclubs again. Let’s get things back up and running”.


theshovel--2020-05-06--Trump Claims There Are “Very Fine Organisms On Both Sides” Of Pandemic

Donald Trump seemingly sympathised with Covid-19 pathogens at a press briefing on Thursday , saying , “ You have some very bad microorganisms in that group , the coronavirus group , but you also have organisms that are very fine organisms , on both sides of this pandemic.
” When reporters pressured Trump on his comments , the President said , “ The media has treated the coronavirus very badly , and there are some viruses that have been deadly , but it ’ s important to remember that they have not all been deadly , ok .
In fact @ @ @ @ @ @ @ deadly.
” Michigan Governor Gretchen Witmer , a frequent Trump target for her strict stay-at-home policies , weighed in saying , “ I find it incredibly irresponsible of the President to show sympathy to Covid-19 .
It ’ s very demeaning to all our healthcare workers , as well as all Americans , to side with a virus that has claimed thousands of lives.
” Trump fired back on Twitter , stating , “ Not-Good Gretchen has been so bad for Michigan !
Sad !
We have millions of pathogens who need hosts @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get back to work .
This is a win-win .
No brainer !
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Donald Trump seemingly sympathised with Covid-19 pathogens at a press briefing on Thursday, saying, “You have some very bad microorganisms in that group, the coronavirus group, but you also have organisms that are very fine organisms, on both sides of this pandemic.”
When reporters pressured Trump on his comments, the President said, “The media has treated the coronavirus very badly, and there are some viruses that have been deadly, but it’s important to remember that they have not all been deadly, ok. In fact, only a very small amount are deadly.”
Michigan Governor Gretchen Witmer, a frequent Trump target for her strict stay-at-home policies, weighed in saying, “I find it incredibly irresponsible of the President to show sympathy to Covid-19. It’s very demeaning to all our healthcare workers, as well as all Americans, to side with a virus that has claimed thousands of lives.”
Trump fired back on Twitter, stating, “Not-Good Gretchen has been so bad for Michigan! Sad! We have millions of pathogens who need hosts and millions more people who want to get back to work. This is a win-win. No brainer!”
______________
By Jordan Simon


theshovel--2020-05-07--Woman Changes Name To ‘Ruby Princess’ So She Can Do Whatever The Fuck She Wants

A Sydney woman is going on a three-day bender this weekend after changing her name from Jenny Warren to Ruby @ @ @ @ @ she had never felt so liberated .
“ I can literally do whatever the fuck @ @ @ @ @ absolutely no-one – is going to do anything about it !
” she said , @ @ @ @ @ car or rob a shop just for the fun of it .
“ The law @ @ @ @ @ Ruby Princess !
They ’ ll let me do anything and no-one will take any @ @ @ @ @ , grabbing a can of spray paint and writing ‘ No-one stops Ruby Princess !
@ @ @ @ @ a building .
Ms Princess changed her name via the Register for Births , Deaths @ @ @ @ @ NSW government claims the Register is a federal government responsibility .
The federal government claims @ @ @ @ @ the states .
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A Sydney woman is going on a three-day bender this weekend after changing her name from Jenny Warren to Ruby Princess.
Ms Princess said she had never felt so liberated. “I can literally do whatever the fuck I want. No-one – absolutely no-one – is going to do anything about it!” she said, saying she might steal a car or rob a shop just for the fun of it.
“The law doesn’t apply to Ruby Princess! They’ll let me do anything and no-one will take any responsibility!” she yelled, grabbing a can of spray paint and writing ‘No-one stops Ruby Princess!” on the side of a building.
Ms Princess changed her name via the Register for Births, Deaths and Marriages yesterday. The NSW government claims the Register is a federal government responsibility. The federal government claims it is the responsibility of the states.


theshovel--2020-05-06--Time To Start Loosening Lockdown Restrictions, Virus Says


theshovel--2020-05-07--Elon Musk Announces That New Baby Will Run Entirely On Electricity By 2021

Elon Musk ’ s latest creation X Æ A-12 , which was launched yesterday as a milk-only model , will @ @ @ @ @ by early next year , the Tesla founder has confirmed .
Musk said the new @ @ @ @ @ environment , would have cleaner emissions and save thousands of dollars in food costs .
@ @ @ @ @ what a child could be , ” Musk said in a statement released on his @ @ @ @ @ run on gas are very inefficient – at least that ’ s what I ’ @ @ @ @ @ children .
We ’ ve turned the whole idea on its head to create a @ @ @ @ @ ” .
Initially X Æ A-12 will be plugged into a charging station each night @ @ @ @ @ would be solar powered , Musk confirmed .
“ Another reason why it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ and play ” .
X Æ A-12 will go into mass production in early 2023 @ @ @ @ @ .
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Elon Musk’s latest creation X Æ A-12, which was launched yesterday as a milk-only model, will transition to 100% electricity by early next year, the Tesla founder has confirmed.
Musk said the new model was better for the environment, would have cleaner emissions and save thousands of dollars in food costs.
“We wanted to reimagine what a child could be,” Musk said in a statement released on his website. “Babies that run on gas are very inefficient – at least that’s what I’ve found with my previous children. We’ve turned the whole idea on its head to create a slicker, more efficient model”.
Initially X Æ A-12 will be plugged into a charging station each night before bedtime but eventually it would be solar powered, Musk confirmed. “Another reason why it’s so vital to go outside and play”.
X Æ A-12 will go into mass production in early 2023.


theshovel--2020-05-09--Only Thing Better Than Getting Breakfast In Bed Is Not Getting Breakfast In Bed, Mothers Confirm

The only thing better than having your young children wake you up with overcooked eggs on cold toast with a cup of tea to spill over your bed , is them not doing that , the nation ’ s mothers have confirmed .
“ I do love awkwardly balancing a tray full of messy food items and hot liquids on my knees while pretending to enjoy myself for the benefit of my kids who are jumping up and down on the mattress next to me .
But there is just one thing I love more – having a bowl of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Melbourne Mum Lucy Tanner said .
Perth mother of two Sarah Chan said eating lying down – while a potential choking hazard – is a great way to start the morning .
“ I do look forward to being able to prop myself up uncomfortably on a pillow while I accidentally spread butter onto my new sheets while counting down the minutes until it is socially acceptable to say I really need to go to the toilet .
But if I ’ m being totally honest , there ’ s something I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that ’ s going out for breakfast , ” she said .
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The only thing better than having your young children wake you up with overcooked eggs on cold toast with a cup of tea to spill over your bed, is them not doing that, the nation’s mothers have confirmed.
“I do love awkwardly balancing a tray full of messy food items and hot liquids on my knees while pretending to enjoy myself for the benefit of my kids who are jumping up and down on the mattress next to me. But there is just one thing I love more – having a bowl of cereal while seated at a table,” Melbourne Mum Lucy Tanner said.
Perth mother of two Sarah Chan said eating lying down – while a potential choking hazard – is a great way to start the morning. “I do look forward to being able to prop myself up uncomfortably on a pillow while I accidentally spread butter onto my new sheets while counting down the minutes until it is socially acceptable to say I really need to go to the toilet. But if I’m being totally honest, there’s something I look forward to even more, and that’s going out for breakfast,” she said.


theshovel--2020-05-10--Protesters Call For Bill Gates To Be Arrested For Introducing ‘Clippy’ The Microsoft Office Assistan

Protesters Call For Bill Gates To Be Arrested For Introducing ‘Clippy’ The Microsoft Office Assistant

Protesters at a Melbourne rally today called for Bill Gates to be arrested for secretly inventing the COVID-19 virus , but others have pointed out that Gates was guilty of an ever graver crime in the late 1990s – ‘ Clippy ’ the Microsoft Office assistant .
“ A lot of the younger protesters here today aren ’ t aware of Clippy , ” activist Terry Graston said , as the crowd chanted ‘ Arrest Bill Gates !
’ “ They ’ re angry about the fact that Gates has created a global pandemic that is sweeping the world – @ @ @ @ @ @ @ But wait until they hear that in 1997 Gates released a cartoon paperclip that would pop up to interrupt your train of thought every time you were getting into the flow of writing something ” .
Graston said Clippy was “ ten times ” worse than COVID19 .
“ COVID has infected a few million people .
Clippy infected every fucking computer in the world between 1997 and 2004 .
“ And you reckon this lockdown is bad .
What about when your computer was locked down because it didn ’ t have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ animated cartoon character dancing all over your Word document .
You ’ re mad about this coronavirus thing ?
Trust me , it ’ s nothing compared to a plucky paper clipping interrupting to ask you if you want help writing a letter ” .
Graston said he remembers Clippy like it was yesterday .
“ I recall one time I was writing an important manifesto and the stupid paperclip pops up and says ‘ It looks like you ’ re trying to link vaccinations to autism – do you want help determining @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your ?
’ It was infuriating .
All 500 people at today ’ s rally have since tested positive to coronavirus .
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Protesters at a Melbourne rally today called for Bill Gates to be arrested for secretly inventing the COVID-19 virus, but others have pointed out that Gates was guilty of an ever graver crime in the late 1990s – ‘Clippy’ the Microsoft Office assistant.
“A lot of the younger protesters here today aren’t aware of Clippy,” activist Terry Graston said, as the crowd chanted ‘Arrest Bill Gates!’
“They’re angry about the fact that Gates has created a global pandemic that is sweeping the world – and I’m angry too. But wait until they hear that in 1997 Gates released a cartoon paperclip that would pop up to interrupt your train of thought every time you were getting into the flow of writing something”.
Graston said Clippy was “ten times” worse than COVID19. “COVID has infected a few million people. Clippy infected every fucking computer in the world between 1997 and 2004.
“And you reckon this lockdown is bad. What about when your computer was locked down because it didn’t have enough working memory to cope with an animated cartoon character dancing all over your Word document. You’re mad about this coronavirus thing? Trust me, it’s nothing compared to a plucky paper clip interrupting to ask you if you want help writing a letter”.
Graston said he remembers Clippy like it was yesterday. “I recall one time I was writing an important manifesto and the stupid paperclip pops up and says ‘It looks like you’re trying to link vaccinations to autism – do you want help determining the difference between you’re and your?’ It was infuriating.
All 500 people at today’s rally have since tested positive to coronavirus.


theshovel--2020-05-10--New Evidence That Donald Trump Originated In A Lab

New evidence has emerged this week that suggests Donald Trump may have been the result of a laboratory experiment devised @ @ @ @ @ human being imaginable .
Intelligence officials have found documentation from a Chinese laboratory explaining how @ @ @ @ @ embryo and then removed all traces of empathy , intelligence , self-awareness and charm .
@ @ @ @ @ lot , ” one intelligence insider said .
“ You look at this man who @ @ @ @ @ of humility or emotional intelligence , and you think there ’ s no way this @ @ @ @ @ So the idea that he was artificially created does seem plausible ” .
The new @ @ @ @ @ made several unsuccessful attempts before finally creating Trump .
“ They played around with removing @ @ @ @ @ his ego as much as far as they could without him exploding ” .
The @ @ @ @ @ purpose and were merely for the amusement of the researchers .
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New evidence has emerged this week that suggests Donald Trump may have been the result of a laboratory experiment devised to create the most ridiculous human being imaginable.
Intelligence officials have found documentation from a Chinese laboratory explaining how researchers took an ordinary human embryo and then removed all traces of empathy, intelligence, self-awareness and charm.
“It certainly explains a lot,” one intelligence insider said. “You look at this man who seems to lack any sense of humility or emotional intelligence, and you think there’s no way this thing can be natural. So the idea that he was artificially created does seem plausible”.
The new evidence suggests that the lab made several unsuccessful attempts before finally creating Trump. “They played around with removing different things and then boosted his ego as much as far as they could without him exploding”.
The tiny little hands served no purpose and were merely for the amusement of the researchers.


theshovel--2020-05-11--Virus Eradicated In NSW

Virus Eradicated In NSW

In a rare day of positive news for the state , New South Wales has recorded zero new coronavirus cases @ @ @ @ @ his retirement from radio .
The virus is known to be highly infectious , with @ @ @ @ @ effects .
COVID-19 is also said to be dangerous .
“ COVID-19 can lead to @ @ @ @ @ breath , but on the plus side it doesn ’ t incite race riots , @ @ @ @ @ Analysis shows that as many as a million people have been infected in NSW , @ @ @ @ @ with coronavirus .
Experts warned that the female population was at a much higher risk @ @ @ @ @ They also cautioned that the virus was not yet fully eradicated and could still re-emerge @ @ @ @ @ After Dark .
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The virus is known to be highly infectious, with a range of nasty side effects. COVID-19 is also said to be dangerous.
“COVID-19 can lead to flu-like symptoms and shortness of breath, but on the plus side it doesn’t incite race riots,” an expert said.
Analysis shows that as many as five million people have been infected in NSW, seventy-five thousand of those with coronavirus.
Experts warned that the female population was at a much higher risk of coming under attack. They also cautioned that the virus was not yet fully eradicated and could still re-emerge.


theshovel--2020-05-11--People Looking Forward To Staring At Phone In Groups Again

People around the country are relieved that they will soon be able to meet in groups of up to ten to stare at their phones , rather than the previous restrictions which only allowed them to stare at their phone with one other person present .
“ It ’ s been tough , ” Melbourne resident Lisa Olington said .
“ Day after day of sitting at home just staring at my phone has been draining .
I can ’ t wait to be able to go out in public and stare at my phone there ” .
She said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ isolated .
“ I ’ ve definitely missed catching up with my friends and scrolling through my Instagram feed while they looked at their messages .
It will be good to get back to some sort of normality ” .
Olington said she missed the human connection .
“ Texting or messaging someone from afar is ok .
But nothing can replace the feeling of messaging them while they ’ re right there next to you ” .
Seb White from Brisbane said the easing in lockdown laws were welcome but believed there @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ When we ’ re allowed to sit at a pub or a restaurant with a group of mates while we all look at our phones , that ’ s when it will feel normal again , ” he said .
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People around the country are relieved that they will soon be able to meet in groups of up to ten to stare at their phones, rather than the previous restrictions which only allowed them to stare at their phone with one other person present.
“It’s been tough,” Melbourne resident Lisa Olington said. “Day after day of sitting at home just staring at my phone has been draining. I can’t wait to be able to go out in public and stare at my phone there”.
She said the lockdown laws have made her feel isolated. “I’ve definitely missed catching up with my friends and scrolling through my Instagram feed while they looked at their messages. It will be good to get back to some sort of normality”.
Olington said she missed the human connection. “Texting or messaging someone from afar is ok. But nothing can replace the feeling of messaging them while they’re right there next to you”.
Seb White from Brisbane said the easing in lockdown laws were welcome but believed there was still a way to go. “When we’re allowed to sit at a pub or a restaurant with a group of mates while we all look at our phones, that’s when it will feel normal again,” he said.


theshovel--2020-05-12--Smug. Comments. Written. In. Single. Word. Sentences. Are. Fucking. Annoying. Research. Confirms.

Comments .
On .
Social .
Media .
That .
Are .
Written .
With .
A .
Full .
@ @ @ @ @ .
Fucking .
Word .
Do .
Not .
Make .
You .
Sound .
@ @ @ @ @ .
Smart .
But .
Are .
Actually .
Just .
Massively .
Smug .
@ @ @ @ @ .
Research .
Has .
Found .
The 👏 research 👏 also 👏showed 👏that 👏putting @ @ @ @ @ between 👏 each 👏 word 👏 doesn ’ t 👏 help 👏 you 👏 get @ @ @ @ @ across 👏 it 👏just 👏makes 👏 you 👏 look 👏 like 👏a 👏 dick .
@ @ @ @ @ idEa WhAt tHe fUCk tHis iS WRITING IN CAPS LOCK DOES GET MORE ATTENTION THOUGH @ @ @ @ @ .
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Comments. On. Social. Media. That. Are. Written. With. A. Full. Stop. Between. Every. Fucking. Word. Do. Not. Make. You. Sound. More. Persuasive. Or. Smart. But. Are. Actually. Just. Massively. Smug. And. Irritating. New. Research. Has. Found.
The 👏 research 👏 also 👏showed 👏that 👏putting 👏 a 👏clap 👏 between 👏 each 👏 word 👏 doesn’t 👏 help 👏 you 👏 get 👏 your 👏 point 👏 across 👏 it 👏 just 👏 makes 👏 you 👏 look 👏 like 👏 a 👏 dick. 👏👏👏
THe reSeaRcHers hAd no idEa WhAt tHe fUCk tHis iS
WRITING IN CAPS LOCK DOES GET MORE ATTENTION THOUGH!


theshovel--2020-05-13--Trump Now Claiming You Can’t Get Coronavirus If You’ve Still Got Bieber Fever

In the latest in a series of strange claims about coronavirus , US President Donald Trump has told reporters that people who have previously contracted Bieber Fever are immune to COVID-19 .
“ If your heart melts whenever you see Justin smile , then you ’ re safe from the coronavirus , ” Trump said at his press briefing today .
“ If you cry every time Justin sings – even just a little bit – then you ’ re in the clear .
That ’ s what doctors are saying .
“ If you get very , very angry @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about Justin that you do , then you ’ re safe from this virus .
There ’ s tremendous evidence for this , ” he said .
Pushed for further detail about the theory , President Trump said , “ If you have , or you once had , your whole room covered with posters of The Bieb without a shirt on , then you can go outside without any risk of catching this new virus .
It ’ s that simple .
“ If , whenever you hear the phrase ‘ What @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sing the chorus to the song ‘ What Do You Mean ‘ , you ’ re 100 % safe from COVID .
This is what people are telling me ” .
While some commentators were baffled by The President ’ s statements , most said it was more plausible than most of his other recent claims about coronavirus .
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In the latest in a series of strange claims about coronavirus, US President Donald Trump has told reporters that people who have previously contracted Bieber Fever are immune to COVID-19.
“If your heart melts whenever you see Justin smile, then you’re safe from the coronavirus,” Trump said at his press briefing today.
“If you cry every time Justin sings – even just a little bit – then you’re in the clear. That’s what doctors are saying.
“If you get very, very angry when someone else claims they know more about Justin that you do, then you’re safe from this virus. There’s tremendous evidence for this,” he said.
Pushed for further detail about the theory, President Trump said, “If you have, or you once had, your whole room covered with posters of The Bieb without a shirt on, then you can go outside without any risk of catching this new virus. It’s that simple.
“If, whenever you hear the phrase ‘What do you mean?’ you automatically sing the chorus to the song ‘What Do You Mean‘, you’re 100% safe from COVID. This is what people are telling me”.
While some commentators were baffled by The President’s statements, most said it was more plausible than most of his other recent claims about coronavirus.
_______________________
With Jordan Simon


theshovel--2020-05-18--In the interests of the health of its customers, McDonald’s has announced it will close all of its s

In the interests of the health of its customers, McDonald’s has announced it will close all of its stores permanently

Saying the health of its customers was its top priority , McDonald ’ s has made the decision to permanently close all 970 of its Australian outlets , effective immediately .
In recent weeks McDonalds has implemented a range of new processes to improve hygiene , such as the crew member placing the bag of food on the counter for the customer to pick up , rather than directly handing it over .
But analysis has shown that removing the bag of food from the process altogether improved the health outcome for the customer even further .
In a statement @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time to go one step further in its health policy .
“ Over the past few months we ’ ve been following strict cleaning processes in all of our restaurants to remove any germs .
But then we thought , ‘ How can we make our restaurants even healthier for our customers ?
’ And the answer was obvious – permanently close them .
A spokesperson for the company said the decision was in the best interests of its customers .
“ There ’ s really no point doing a deep clean of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Double Beef ’ N ’ Bacon Burger .
Have you seen those things ?
They ’ re pretty fucking gross ” .
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Saying the health of its customers was its top priority, McDonald’s has made the decision to permanently close all 970 of its Australian outlets, effective immediately.
In recent weeks McDonalds has implemented a range of new processes to improve hygiene, such as the crew member placing the bag of food on the counter for the customer to pick up, rather than directly handing it over. But analysis has shown that removing the bag of food from the process altogether improved the health outcome for the customer even further.
In a statement, McDonald’s said it was time to go one step further in its health policy.
“Over the past few months we’ve been following strict cleaning processes in all of our restaurants to remove any germs. But then we thought, ‘How can we make our restaurants even healthier for our customers?’ And the answer was obvious – permanently close them.
A spokesperson for the company said the decision was in the best interests of its customers. “There’s really no point doing a deep clean of all surfaces and then handing over a Double Beef’N’Bacon Burger. Have you seen those things? They’re pretty fucking gross”.


Obamagate Explained

A lot of people have been asking for an explanation of Obamagate .
It ’ s a huge scandal .
What happened was very , very bad , and people have a right to know .
So we ’ re going to get to the bottom of this , right here , right now .
If you look closely at what happened it ’ s actually quite incredible .
It ’ s the worst crime we ’ ve seen .
A lot of people are saying it ’ s the biggest crime in American history .
It defined the Obama @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going on for a very long time .
And you know what ?
It impacted a lot of people , a lot of them very good people .
And it impacted them very badly .
Some people are only just recovering from this now , which is sad .
It ’ s such a major , major scandal .
And Obama was very much involved .
You know what happened .
Everyone knows what happened .
But this is only the start apparently .
People are saying it ’ s going to get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ very smart people – are saying there is still a lot don ’ t know about this scandal .
So that ’ s interesting .
Who knows , maybe we will find out this is even worse than we thought .
But once again he ’ s getting away with it .
Getting away with murder .
Not actual murder .
But maybe it is actual murder .
Who knows ?
But Obama doesn ’ t talk about it , which is interesting .
So there you go .
Obamagate !
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A lot of people have been asking for an explanation of Obamagate. It’s a huge scandal. What happened was very, very bad, and people have a right to know. So we’re going to get to the bottom of this, right here, right now.
If you look closely at what happened it’s actually quite incredible. It’s the worst crime we’ve seen. A lot of people are saying it’s the biggest crime in American history. It defined the Obama administration. And it’s been going on for a very long time.
And you know what? It impacted a lot of people, a lot of them very good people. And it impacted them very badly. Some people are only just recovering from this now, which is sad. It’s such a major, major scandal. And Obama was very much involved.
You know what happened. Everyone knows what happened. But this is only the start apparently. People are saying it’s going to get worse. A lot of people – very smart people – are saying there is still a lot we don’t know about this scandal. So that’s interesting. Who knows, maybe we will find out this is even worse than we thought.
But once again he’s getting away with it. Getting away with murder. Not actual murder. But maybe it is actual murder. Who knows?
Everyone knows.
But Obama doesn’t talk about it, which is interesting.
So there you go. Obamagate!


theshovel--2020-05-19--Coronavirus Vaccine Still 12-18 Million Clickbait Articles Away

Those eagerly awaiting a COVID-19 vaccine will need to wait a little longer , with experts saying we will need to be lured in by the false hope of at least 12 million more sensationalist articles promising a vaccine , before a vaccination actually hits the market .
“ We have some very promising preliminary results that suggest we could have a vaccine by as early as July ” is just one of the articles you will click on in your desperation for this to be over .
But others are not so optimistic .
“ We ’ ve moved @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feasibly have a vaccine in market before Christmas , ” is another more cautious but still false article that will get your hopes up .
Industry expert Terrance McClullen advised people to be realistic , saying 12-18 million articles was at the lower end of what could be expected .
“ Realistically we might need to wait for 24 or even 36 million articles about a minute development in vaccination research that has been blown out of proportion to make it sound like a vaccination is around the corner , before one is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said he was optimistic about the chance of the article about his research getting read .
“ ’ We should have a vaccination ready to go next month , ” ’ is the type of headline that makes me feel like we could really get some traction with this , ” he said .
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Those eagerly awaiting a COVID-19 vaccine will need to wait a little longer, with experts saying we will need to be lured in by the false hope of at least 12 million more sensationalist articles promising a vaccine, before a vaccination actually hits the market.“We have some very promising preliminary results that suggest we could have a vaccine by as early as September” is just one of the articles you will click on in your desperation for this to be over.
But others are not so optimistic. “We’ve moved to the human testing phase and could feasibly have a vaccine in market before Christmas,” is another more cautious but still false article that will get your hopes up.
Industry expert Terrance McClullen advised people to be realistic, saying 12-18 million articles was at the lower end of what could be expected. “Realistically we might need to wait for 24 or even 36 million articles about a minute development in vaccination research that has been blown out of proportion to make it sound like a vaccination is around the corner, before one is actually developed”.
Scientist Robert Dwellon said he was optimistic about the chance of the article about his research getting read. “’We should have a vaccination ready to go next month,”’ is the type of headline that makes me feel like we could really get some traction with this,” he said.


theshovel--2020-05-21--Fears Of Rush On Malaria Drug Unfounded, After Trump Supporters Unable To Pronounce Hydroxychloroqui

Fears Of Rush On Malaria Drug Unfounded, After Trump Supporters Unable To Pronounce Hydroxychloroquine

Pharmacists say the President ’ s claim he was taking anti-malarial medication to fend off COVID-19 has not led to an increase in demand for the drug as initially feared .
Although many pharmacists have reported a surge in requests for unknown medications such as ‘ Hidrosheen ’ , ‘ Hidrox-a-thing ’ and ‘ The one that , you know , that one ’ .
“ We have a rule that if you can ’ t pronounce it you can ’ t have it , so we were never concerned that this would be a problem , ” one pharmacist @ @ @ @ @ @ @ seen some requests for swimming pool chemicals and hair dye , and our sales of Dettol are still very high .
But no , no increase in requests for hydroxychloroquine.
” She said quite a few people have come in to ask for ‘ That drug starting with H ’ .
“ I ’ ve redirected them to their local drug dealer for that one , ” she said .
Medical professionals had been concerned that people would start taking hydroxychloroquine unnecessarily .
The drug has serious side effects including vomiting , heart @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Shovel member .
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Pharmacists say the President’s claim he was taking anti-malarial medication to fend off COVID-19 has not led to an increase in demand for the drug as initially feared. Although many pharmacists have reported a surge in requests for unknown medications such as ‘Hidrosheen’, ‘Hidrox-a-thing’ and ‘The one that, you know, that one’.
“We have a rule that if you can’t pronounce it you can’t have it, so we were never concerned that this would be a problem,” one pharmacist confirmed.
“We’ve have seen some requests for swimming pool chemicals and hair dye, and our sales of Dettol are still very high. But no, no increase in requests for hydroxychloroquine.”
She said quite a few people have come in to ask for ‘That drug starting with H’. “I’ve redirected them to their local drug dealer for that one,” she said.
Medical professionals had been concerned that people would start taking hydroxychloroquine unnecessarily. The drug has serious side effects including vomiting, heart failure and small hands.


theshovel--2020-05-21--Husband Suddenly Realises He’s Been On Mute For Past 8 Years

Frantically fumbling to find a way to turn the sound back on , Sydney man Callum Dawson has only just realised that no-one has been listening to him for the past eight years .
“ Oh hang on .
Wait , what ?
Have I been on mute all this time ?
” Dawson said , suddenly realising that every funny anecdote , rousing speech and perfectly crafted argument had gone unheard .
“ Have you heard anything I ’ ve said at all over the past eight years ?
Nothing at all ?
“ What about that time in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ story about how there appears to be a connection between the paleolithic era and the … no ?
You didn ’ t hear any of that ?
None of it ?
“ Or when I told you about that dream I had where my foot got stuck in the mouth of baby hippopotamus and then it … really , nothing at all ?
” “ Or in 2015 when I said we should sell the house , quit our jobs and move to another country ?
You didn ’ t hear that ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ things .
“ What about now .
Can you hear me now ?
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Frantically fumbling to find a way to turn the sound back on, Sydney man Callum Dawson has only just realised that no-one has been listening to him for the past eight years.
“Oh hang on. Wait, what? Have I been on mute all this time?” Dawson said, suddenly realising that every funny anecdote, rousing speech and perfectly crafted argument had gone unheard.
“Have you heard anything I’ve said at all over the past eight years? Nothing at all?
“What about that time in 2018 when I shared that really fascinating story about how there appears to be a connection between the paleolithic era and the … no? You didn’t hear any of that? None of it?
“Or when I told you about that dream I had where my foot got stuck in the mouth of baby hippopotamus and then it … really, nothing at all?”
“Or in 2015 when I said we should sell the house, quit our jobs and move to another country? You didn’t hear that? Well that … that explains a few things.
“My wedding speech?
“What about now. Can you hear me now?”


theshovel--2020-05-21--You Think Coronavirus Is Bad? Wait Until The Bill Gates Conspiracy Theorists Hear About Track Change

You Think Coronavirus Is Bad? Wait Until The Bill Gates Conspiracy Theorists Hear About Track Changes

Using 5G technology to create a global pandemic so you can use vaccinations to mind-control a global population is bad .
But these Bill Gates conspiracy theorists have clearly never tried to suggest an alteration on a Word document without it looking like it ’ s been hacked to death with a blunt machete .
If you ’ re going after Gates for anything , surely it ’ s that .
Sure , the death toll from coronavirus is huge .
But think about how many perfectly good documents have been totally destroyed by an infuriating function on an outdated @ @ @ @ @ @ @ takes hold of a piece of writing and never , ever lets go .
Doesn ’ t it seem a little strange that , once you ’ ve turned on Track Changes , it ’ s impossible to turn off ?
He ’ s had thirty years to fix this but has chosen not to .
Why not ?
Technology constantly improves year after year , yet this still operates as if it ’ s 2001 .
Why ?
Who benefits ?
And why is Hillary Clinton involved ?
That and the fact @ @ @ @ @ @ @ specialise it autocorrects to specialize .
Even when you change the language default setting away from US English .
Especially when you change the language default setting away from US English .
That ’ s pretty clear evidence of an attempt to take over the world .
• And then there ’ s the question of why sentences sometimes randomly turn into bullet points Become a Shovel member .
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Using 5G technology to create a global pandemic so you can use vaccinations to mind-control a global population is bad. But these Bill Gates conspiracy theorists have clearly never tried to suggest an alteration on a Word document without it looking like it’s been hacked to death with a blunt machete. If you’re going after Gates for anything, surely it’s that.
Sure, the death toll from coronavirus is huge. But think about how many perfectly good documents have been totally destroyed by an infuriating function on an outdated word processor that, once initiated, takes hold of a piece of writing and never, ever lets go.
Doesn’t it seem a little strange that, once you’ve turned on Track Changes, it’s impossible to turn off? He’s had thirty years to fix this but has chosen not to. Why not?
Technology constantly improves year after year, yet this still operates as if it’s 2001. Why? Who benefits? And why is Hillary Clinton involved?
That’s the real conspiracy.
That and the fact that every time you try to write specialise it autocorrects to specialize. Even when you change the language default setting away from US English. Especially when you change the language default setting away from US English. That’s pretty clear evidence of an attempt to take over the world.


theshovel--2020-05-23--Josh Frydenberg Says $60 Billion JobKeeper Windfall Will Be Split Evenly Between All 885 Million Aus

Josh Frydenberg Says $60 Billion JobKeeper Windfall Will Be Split Evenly Between All 885 Million Australians

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg says he is determined to turn the $ 60 billion JobKeeper calculation blunder into a positive , @ @ @ @ @ the funds for each of Australia ’ s 885 billion residents .
In a speech @ @ @ @ @ said distributing the funds would provide a much-needed stimulus to the economy , as well @ @ @ @ @ ’ s 200 billion households .
“ Wherever you live , in any one of @ @ @ @ @ and territories , you can expect your one-off payment from the government to arrive soon @ @ @ @ @ The Treasurer said the error was unfortunate and an investigation into how it happened was @ @ @ @ @ I can tell you is that there were three reasons for the JobKeeper miscalculation : @ @ @ @ @ to count ” .
He said the stimulus payment would be approximately $ 68,000 per @ @ @ @ @ corrected that figure to be 42 cents .

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg says he is determined to turn the $60 billion JobKeeper calculation blunder into a positive, promising an equal share of the funds for each of Australia’s 885 billion residents.
In a speech this morning, Mr Frydenberg said distributing the funds would provide a much-needed stimulus to the economy, as well as the budget of Australia’s 200 billion households.
“Wherever you live, in any one of Australia’s 440 states and territories, you can expect your one-off payment from the government to arrive soon,” he said.
The Treasurer said the error was unfortunate and an investigation into how it happened was already underway. “What I can tell you is that there were three reasons for the JobKeeper miscalculation: human error and an inability to count”.
He said the stimulus payment would be approximately $68,000 per person, although he later corrected that figure to be 42 cents.


theshovel--2020-05-24--$60 Billion JobKeeper Savings To Be Used To Pay For Stuart Robert’s Internet Bill

Scott Morrison has cautioned Australians against getting too excited about the $ 60 billion windfall identified in the JobKeeper budget , saying the funds had already been allocated to pay for Government Services Minister Stuart Robert ’ s internet bill this for this month .
Mr Robert – who is tasked with running the nation ’ s welfare system but doesn ’ t know how to set up a basic fucking internet plan – said he had gone a little over on his data this month .
“ I ’ ve been doing some research for my church about the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ That ’ s meant I ’ ve had to have both Pornhub and Redtube running in high definition for 24 hours a day for the past month , ” the minister explained .
“ The upshot is I ’ ve used a little more data than usual .
It ’ s strictly for research of course ” .
Mr Robert , who is on a $ 100-a-month plan , was charged in 60 million $ 10 increments for every additional gigabyte used .
He was alerted each time .
The Prime Minister said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for how to spend the $ 60 billion , Mr Robert ’ s internet bill was most pressing .
“ A lot of people have called for an extension of JobKeeper , or an expansion in infrastructure spending .
But the fact is Stewie ’ s watched a lot of porn and that ’ s where the funds will need to go ” .
It is unclear how Mr Robert ’ s bill for next month will be paid for .

Scott Morrison has cautioned Australians against getting too excited about the $60 billion windfall identified in the JobKeeper budget, saying the funds had already been allocated to pay for Government Services Minister Stuart Robert’s internet bill this for this month.
Mr Robert – who is tasked with running the nation’s welfare system but doesn’t know how to set up a basic fucking internet plan – said he had gone a little over on his data this month.
“I’ve been doing some research for my church about the dangers of watching too much pornography. That’s meant I’ve had to have both Pornhub and Redtube running in high definition for 24 hours a day for the past month,” the minister explained.
“The upshot is I’ve used a little more data than usual. It’s strictly for research of course”.
Mr Robert, who is on a $100-a-month plan, was charged in 60 million $10 increments for every additional gigabyte used. He was alerted each time.
The Prime Minister said that while there were many worthy suggestions for how to spend the $60 billion, Mr Robert’s internet bill was most pressing. “A lot of people have called for an extension of JobKeeper, or an expansion in infrastructure spending. But the fact is Stewie’s watched a lot of porn and that’s where the funds will need to go”.
It is unclear how Mr Robert’s bill for next month will be paid for.


theshovel--2020-05-26--“When I want to test my eyesight, I jump behind the wheel of a moving vehicle”, by Dominic Cummings

There has been a lot of speculation and innuendo about my movements throughout April when I was sick with coronavirus .
I want to take this opportunity to set the record straight .
When my wife and I were diagnosed with the virus in April , we followed the government instructions to stay at home by travelling 264 miles from London to stay with my elderly parents in Durham .
Some have argued that my parents place is Durham is not my home .
But I would direct those naysayers to the popular and widely recognised saying ‘ Home is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is obviously what Boris and I meant when we drafted the guidelines .
Any idiot could see that .
So while my mind was certainly elsewhere for those two weeks ( let ’ s be honest , Durham is not exactly the most intellectually stimulating place in Britain ) , there is no doubting my heart was in Durham .
In short , no rule was broken .
It is my trip Barnard Castle , however , which oddly seems to have generated the most interest of late .
The reason for my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feared that the coronavirus may have affected my eyesight .
And so I did what optometrists have for years recommended as the very first thing one should do when there is a suspected vision impairment : get behind the wheel of heavy machinery on a country road .
What better way to test your ability to adequately see your surroundings than by operating a one-tonne mass of steel at 60 mile an hour – you very quickly get a sense of where the visual deficiencies lie .
For me , it was my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by the rather loud bump sound to my left around three minutes into the drive , and then another to my right a few minutes later .
I would ’ ve stopped to help the poor old chaps lying on the road , but – well , you know , I had coronavirus so that would ’ ve been inappropriate .
Anyway , I hope that clears it up .
I have to go now .
I ’ ve had a few drinks so I ’ m going to get in the car @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m drunk .
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There has been a lot of speculation and innuendo about my movements throughout April during the time I was sick with coronavirus. I want to take this opportunity to set the record straight.
When my wife and I were diagnosed with the virus in April, we followed the government instructions to stay at home to the letter, by travelling 264 miles from London to stay with my elderly parents in Durham.
Some have argued that my parents place is Durham is not my home. But I would direct those naysayers to the popular and widely recognised saying ‘Home is where the heart is’. While my mind was certainly elsewhere for those two weeks (let’s be honest, Durham is not exactly the most intellectually stimulating place in Britain), there is no doubting my heart – at least in a literal sense – was in Durham. In short, no rule was broken.
It is my trip Barnard Castle, however, which oddly seems to have generated the most interest of late. The reason for my trip there is very straightforward: I feared that the coronavirus may have affected my eyesight. And so I did what optometrists have for years recommended as the very first thing one should do when there is a suspected vision impairment: get behind the wheel of heavy machinery on a country road.
What better way to test your ability to adequately see your surroundings than by operating a one-tonne mass of steel at 60 miles an hour – you very quickly get a sense of where the visual deficiencies lie. For me, it was my periphery which was failing me, evidenced by the rather loud bump sound to my left around three minutes into the drive, and then another to my right a few minutes later.
I would’ve stopped to help the poor old chaps lying on the road, but – well, you know, I had coronavirus so that would’ve been inappropriate.
Anyway, I hope that clears it up. I have to go now. I’ve had a few drinks so I’m going to get in the car and drive to Surrey to see if I’m drunk.


theshovel--2020-05-26--Josh Frydenberg says he has the numbers to challenge Scott Morrison, with the support of two billion

Josh Frydenberg says he has the numbers to challenge Scott Morrison, with the support of two billion MPs already locked in

Treasurer and deputy Liberal Party leader Josh Frydenberg says he has the support within the party required to topple Scott @ @ @ @ @ least two billion of his colleagues would vote for him in a leadership spill .
@ @ @ @ @ required to win a leadership ballot is 45 , Frydenberg would win easily if his @ @ @ @ @ Australia could have a new Prime Minister as soon as tomorrow .
Mr Frydenberg spent @ @ @ @ @ speaking with all two billion of his supporters .
At least 50,000 of them have @ @ @ @ @ a new Frydenberg Government .
Update : Josh Frydenberg ’ s office has confirmed that @ @ @ @ @ .
He actually has the support of three of his colleagues .

Treasurer and deputy Liberal Party leader Josh Frydenberg says he has the support within the party required to topple Scott Morrison, confirming that at least two billion of his colleagues would vote for him in a leadership spill.
Given the number of votes required to win a leadership ballot is 45, Frydenberg would win easily if his calculations are correct, meaning Australia could have a new Prime Minister as soon as tomorrow.
Mr Frydenberg spent today hitting the phones, speaking with all two billion of his supporters. At least 50,000 of them have been promised ministerial roles in a new Frydenberg Government.
Update: Josh Frydenberg’s office has confirmed that the two-billion figure was incorrect. He actually has the support of three of his colleagues.