theshovel--2020-01-15--News Corp Denies Link Between James Murdoch And Murdoch Family

Media conglomerate News Corp says there is absolutely no evidence linking James Murdoch to the Murdoch family , and have described him as a hoax invented by the ABC to push a socialist agenda .
It comes after ‘ James ’ slammed the company for its stance on climate change .
An editorial published in The Australian today said that the James Murdoch conspiracy had been debunked many times before .
“ James Murdoch doesn ’ t exist .
To pretend that he does is nothing more than an attempt by elements of the left wing media and other vested @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fear , ” the editorial read .
“ Even if James Murdoch did exist , there is certainly no link between him and the Murdoch family – there is no association , and there never has been ” .
While the vast majority of experts agree that James Murdoch is part of the Murdoch family , News Corp has pointed to evidence from a separate expert – columnist Chris Kenny – who says he isn ’ t .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | @

Media conglomerate News Corp says there is absolutely no evidence linking James Murdoch to the Murdoch family, and have described him as a hoax invented by the ABC to push a socialist agenda. It comes after ‘James’ slammed the company for its stance on climate change.
An editorial published in The Australian today said that the James Murdoch conspiracy had been debunked many times before.
“James Murdoch doesn’t exist. To pretend that he does is nothing more than an attempt by elements of the left wing media and other vested interests to drum up attention and incite fear,” the editorial read.
“Even if James Murdoch did exist, there is certainly no link between him and the Murdoch family – there is no association, and there never has been”.
While the vast majority of experts agree that James Murdoch is part of the Murdoch family, News Corp has pointed to evidence from a separate expert – columnist Chris Kenny – who says he isn’t.
A separate article claimed James Murdoch was wanted for arson.


theshovel--2020-01-16--Bridget McKenzie Announces New 100,000 Seat Stadium For Launceston

Nationals Senator Bridget McKenzie has defended her decision to fund an MCG-sized sports stadium in Launceston , saying the ultra-marginal seat of Bass was crying out for a world-class sporting facility .
In an interview this morning , McKenzie said no rules were broken and that the funds were allocated on merit .
“ When you go to Launceston , and you meet the people there and you look at the facilities and then you look at the polling figures , it ’ s pretty clear that they don ’ t have the sports funding they need , ” Ms @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the funding was only allocated to Launceston due to the area ’ s marginal status .
“ That ’ s not true at all .
We spent a lot of time analysing where the best place to put a 100,000-seat sporting stadium would be , and the obvious answer was a large country town in northern Tasmania that just happens to sit on a slim 0.4 % margin ” .
She also refuted criticism that the facility was much bigger than required .
“ The population of Launceston is 100,000 .
This is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” she said .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Nationals Senator Bridget McKenzie has defended her decision to fund an MCG-sized sports stadium in Launceston, saying the ultra-marginal seat of Bass was crying out for a world-class sporting facility.
In an interview this morning, McKenzie said no rules were broken and that the funds were allocated on merit. “When you go to Launceston, and you meet the people there and you look at the facilities and then you look at the polling figures, it’s pretty clear that they don’t have the sports funding they need,” Ms McKenzie said.
She rejected claims that the funding was only allocated to Launceston due to the area’s marginal status. “That’s not true at all. We spent a lot of time analysing where the best place to put a 100,000-seat sporting stadium would be, and the obvious answer was a large country town in northern Tasmania that just happens to sit on a slim 0.4% margin”.
She also refuted criticism that the facility was much bigger than required. “The population of Launceston is 100,000. This is a stadium for everyone. Literally everyone,” she said.


theshovel--2020-01-17--Bushfire Relief For Marginal Electorates Only, Government Says

Scott Morrison says the Government ’ s $ 2 billion bushfire relief fund will be set aside for seats won by a margin of less than 3 % at the last federal election .
Mr Morrison was unapologetic about the policy , saying it was important the funds were spent efficiently .
“ In times like these , it ’ s absolutely crucial that these bushfire funds are allocated to the regions where they are needed most .
Places like Chisholm in inner Melbourne , or Wentworth on Sydney harbour – I mean they ’ re on a knife edge @ @ @ @ @ @ @ funds should flow to areas actually affected by the recent bushfires .
“ My heart goes out to people in those areas .
But the point is , while they may have lost millions of hectares of property , they ’ re not in danger of losing the next election , are they .
We have to make sure funds flow where they are needed ” .
The PM said instead of being negative about the allocation of the funds , people should focus on the positive impact the money was already having @ @ @ @ @ @ @ – which is on a margin of 1.3 % – or Box Hill – which is on a margin of just 0.5 % – and you see all of the great initiatives that have been made possible by the bushfire funds .
I don ’ t think you ’ re going to see bushfires in those places in the future ” .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Scott Morrison says the Government’s $2 billion bushfire relief fund will be set aside for seats won by a margin of less than 3% at the last federal election.
Mr Morrison was unapologetic about the policy, saying it was important the funds were spent efficiently.
“In times like these, it’s absolutely crucial that these bushfire funds are allocated to the regions where they are needed most. Places like Chisholm in inner Melbourne, or Wentworth on Sydney harbour – I mean they’re on a knife edge”.
He rejected the suggestion that funds should flow to areas actually affected by the recent bushfires.
“My heart goes out to people in those areas. But the point is, while they may have lost millions of hectares of property, they’re not in danger of losing the next election, are they. We have to make sure funds flow where they are needed”.
The PM said instead of being negative about the allocation of the funds, people should focus on the positive impact the money was already having. “You walk around Double Bay – which is on a margin of 1.3% – or Box Hill – which is on a margin of just 0.5% – and you see all of the great initiatives that have been made possible by the bushfire funds. I don’t think you’re going to see bushfires in those places in the future”.
With Paul Dovas


theshovel--2020-01-21--“Grants Were Allocated Fairly”, Bridget McKenzie Says From Her Personal, Custom-Built Gymnasium And

“Grants Were Allocated Fairly”, Bridget McKenzie Says From Her Personal, Custom-Built Gymnasium And Swimming Complex

The controversial sports grant program that critics claim was unfairly allocated , was totally above board , Bridget McKenzie has told journalists from a state-of-the-art swimming , cycling and fitness centre at her Wodonga home .
Completing a lap of her athletics track before cooling down in her 12-lane swimming pool , Ms McKenzie said the grants were allocated within the rules , and where they were needed most .
“ This has been a wonderful program that has given so many community groups much-needed funding .
The idea that we ’ ve interfered in some way is ridiculous .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ I have a meeting at my equestrian track , ” she said .
Pushed for further detail , the senator said that she would be willing to take further questions at her rowing club later this afternoon .
Prime Minister Scott Morrison has backed his Nationals colleague , saying she did everything within the guidelines .
“ As I told Ms McKenzie yesterday from my new backyard putting green , there is no suggestion whatsoever of dishonesty ” .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter @ @

The controversial sports grant program that critics claim was unfairly allocated, was totally above board, Bridget McKenzie has told journalists from a state-of-the-art swimming, cycling and fitness centre at her Wodonga home.
Completing a lap of her athletics track before cooling down in her 12-lane swimming pool, Ms McKenzie said the grants were allocated within the rules, and where they were needed most.
“This has been a wonderful program that has given so many community groups much-needed funding. The idea that we’ve interfered in some way is ridiculous. Now if you’d excuse me I have a meeting at my equestrian track,” she said.
Pushed for further detail, the senator said that she would be willing to take further questions at her rowing club later this afternoon.
Prime Minister Scott Morrison has backed his Nationals colleague, saying she did everything within the guidelines. “As I told Ms McKenzie yesterday from my new backyard putting green, there is no suggestion whatsoever of dishonesty”.


theshovel--2020-01-20--Greens’ Opposition To Controlled Storms To Blame For Canberra Hailstorm, Government Claims

The Greens ’ opposition to controlled storms in national parks is to blame for the huge hailstorm in Canberra yesterday , the Government says .
Prime Minister Scott Morrison said that the hailstorm – which caused major damage to property – was inevitable , thanks to Greens policy .
“ If you refuse to implement controlled hailstorms in the off season , as the Greens have done , then you get to a situation where there is this huge build-up of ice that has no-where else to go .
What we saw yesterday was the result of years of negligence @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Environment Minister Susan Ley backed the PM ’ s stance .
“ This has nothing to do with climate change and everything to do with ice-loads , ” she said .
“ Locals in the Canberra region have been crying out for controlled storming for years , but they ’ ve been ignored .
We ’ ve always had hail in Canberra , but by inducing the hail in a controlled manner , we ’ ve traditionally been able to minimise its impact .
Not anymore ” .
Become a Shovel member @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

The Greens’ opposition to controlled storms in national parks is to blame for the huge hailstorm in Canberra yesterday, the Government says.
Prime Minister Scott Morrison said that the hailstorm – which caused major damage to property – was inevitable, thanks to Greens policy.
“If you refuse to implement controlled hailstorms in the off season, as the Greens have done, then you get to a situation where there is this huge build-up of ice that has no-where else to go. What we saw yesterday was the result of years of negligence from the Greens,” he said.
Environment Minister Susan Ley backed the PM’s stance. “This has nothing to do with climate change and everything to do with ice-loads,” she said.
“Locals in the Canberra region have been crying out for controlled storming for years, but they’ve been ignored. We’ve always had hail in Canberra, but by inducing the hail in a controlled manner, we’ve traditionally been able to minimise its impact. Not anymore”.
The Australian newspaper blamed arsonists.


theshovel--2020-01-21--Who Is Going To Ensure We Don’t Have Sex With Animals, Now That  Cory Bernardi Has Retired?

EDITORIAL : This week Cory Bernardi resigned from politics .
It ’ s a well-deserved break , after a stunning 13-year career , but we urge him to reconsider his decision .
The fact is , with Mr Bernardi gone , there is no-one to ensure we don ’ t all have sex with donkeys .
Since Mr Bernardi joined parliament in 2006 , the incidence of bestiality in this country has been almost non-existent .
He has worked tirelessly to ensure donkey sex – and dog , cat and rabbit sex – stays on the public agenda , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ teenagers .
Particularly gays .
It ’ s a difficult , often thankless task , but one that is absolutely vital .
You should not take for granted that even when you were not thinking about having sex with an animal , Mr Bernardi was , on your behalf .
For that he deserves our praise .
But with Mr Bernardi no longer in parliament things could change , and quickly .
When a mother turns away , children are inclined to play up .
And in the same way , when Mr @ @ @ @ @ @ @ give in to the temptation to fuck a cow .
Or worse , legalise same sex marriage .
It is , as the Senator himself has said , a slippery slope .
One minute we ’ re booked to take the family away on a cheap and cheerful farm-stay holiday , the next it ’ s been redefined as a romantic weekend away for one .
We need Mr Bernardi to keep an eye on us , and to guide us in the right direction .
We urge him to re-think his decision @ @ @ @ @ @ @ follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

EDITORIAL: This week Cory Bernardi resigned from politics. It’s a well-deserved break, after a stunning 13-year career, but we urge him to reconsider his decision. The fact is, with Mr Bernardi gone, there is no-one to ensure we don’t all have sex with donkeys.
Since Mr Bernardi joined parliament in 2006, the incidence of bestiality in this country has been almost non-existent. He has worked tirelessly to ensure donkey sex – and dog, cat and rabbit sex – stays on the public agenda, but off the minds of young, impressionable teenagers. Particularly gays.
It’s a difficult, often thankless task, but one that is absolutely vital. You should not take for granted that even when you were not thinking about having sex with an animal, Mr Bernardi was, on your behalf. For that he deserves our praise.
But with Mr Bernardi no longer in parliament things could change, and quickly. When a mother turns away, children are inclined to play up. And in the same way, when Mr Bernardi leaves Canberra, we will likely give in to the temptation to fuck a cow. Or worse, legalise same sex marriage.
It is, as the Senator himself has said, a slippery slope. One minute we’re booked to take the family away on a cheap and cheerful farm-stay holiday, the next it’s been redefined as a romantic weekend away for one.
We need Mr Bernardi to keep an eye on us, and to guide us in the right direction. We urge him to re-think his decision.


theshovel--2020-01-22--Bridget McKenzie Insists Grants Program Provided Level Playing Field, “Especially For The Mosman Law

Bridget McKenzie Insists Grants Program Provided Level Playing Field, “Especially For The Mosman Lawn Bowls Club, Which Now Has One Of The Levelist Playing Fields I’ve Seen”

Bridget McKenzie has hit back at suggestions her sports grant program didn ’ t provide a level playing field , saying critics clearly haven ’ t played on the Mosman Lawn Bowls Club rink recently .
“ This is one of the flattest playing surfaces you ’ ll see – it ’ s like glass , ” she said .
“ It ’ s amazing what a small lawn bowls club on the north shore can do with $ 190,000 ” .
She said the bowls club wasn ’ t the only evidence of a level playing field .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t visited the Warringah Croquet Club .
It ’ s about as level a playing field you ’ re likely to see – just superb .
“ I mean , a lot of people say that this grants program has been lopsided , but roll a ball along the new surface at the Portsea Equestrian Complex and tell me it ’ s lopsided .
There ’ s no deviation whatsoever , it ’ s world-class ” .
She also responded to critics who claim that applicants in Coalition held seats did not have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I can tell you that there are plenty of hurdles at the Double Bay Athletics Club now – and good ones too .
That ’ s what $ 250,000 can buy you ” .
Despite the criticism , Ms McKenzie says she will be sticking to her guns , which incidentally , she bought using a generous government grant .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Bridget McKenzie has hit back at suggestions her sports grant program didn’t provide a level playing field, saying critics clearly haven’t played on the Mosman Lawn Bowls Club rink recently.
“This is one of the flattest playing surfaces you’ll see – it’s like glass,” she said. “It’s amazing what a small lawn bowls club on the north shore can do with $190,000”.
She said the bowls club wasn’t the only evidence of a level playing field. “I’m guessing you haven’t visited the Warringah Croquet Club. It’s about as level a playing field you’re likely to see – just superb.
“I mean, a lot of people say that this grants program has been lopsided, but roll a ball along the new surface at the Portsea Equestrian Complex and tell me it’s lopsided. There’s no deviation whatsoever, it’s world-class”.
She also responded to critics who claim that applicants in Coalition held seats did not have to clear enough hurdles. “Well I can tell you that there are plenty of hurdles at the Double Bay Athletics Club now – and good ones too. That’s what $250,000 can buy you”.
Despite the criticism, Ms McKenzie says she will be sticking to her guns, which incidentally, she bought using a generous government grant.


theshovel--2020-01-24--Red Cross Appoints Bridget McKenzie, To Ensure Bushfire Money Goes Where It’s Needed Most

The Australian Red Cross has responded to the public ’ s concerns about its allocation of bushfire donations , appointing funding allocation expert Bridget McKenzie to its team .
“ A lot of people have told us we ’ re not getting the funds out quickly enough .
And it ’ s true – some administrative processes have slowed us down .
But with Bridget McKenzie on board we can just totally ignore all standards and procedures and get the funds out immediately , ” a Red Cross spokesperson said .
He said Ms McKenzie had a knack for knowing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ All this time we ’ ve been concentrating on bushfire-affected areas in rural NSW and Victoria .
But it turns out that places like Mosman and Sorrento are where the funds are needed most , ” he said .
“ The best bit is she ’ s already got people on the ground there , so we can get funds there very quickly ” .
The spokesperson admitted it was easy to lose sight of the real victims in disasters such as these .
“ One of the things that we never realised @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Club has been affected by this bushfire .
It ’ s just something you don ’ t consider .
But with Bridget ’ s help we ’ ve already managed to send $ 20 million their way ” .
‘ The Anti-Experts Guide To Everything ’ – 2020 Australian Tour ON SALE NOW Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

The Australian Red Cross has responded to the public’s concerns about its allocation of bushfire donations, appointing funding allocation expert Bridget McKenzie to its team.
“A lot of people have told us we’re not getting the funds out quickly enough. And it’s true – some administrative processes have slowed us down. But with Bridget McKenzie on board we can just totally ignore all standards and procedures and get the funds out immediately,” a Red Cross spokesperson said.
He said Ms McKenzie had a knack for knowing where funds should be spent. “All this time we’ve been concentrating on bushfire-affected areas in rural NSW and Victoria. But it turns out that places like Mosman and Sorrento are where the funds are needed most,” he said. “The best bit is she’s already got people on the ground there, so we can get funds there very quickly”.
The spokesperson admitted it was easy to lose sight of the real victims in disasters such as these.
“One of the things that we never realised is how much The Wangaratta Clay Target Club has been affected by this bushfire. It’s just something you don’t consider. But with Bridget’s help we’ve already managed to send $20 million their way”.
‘The Anti-Experts Guide To Everything’ – 2020 Australian Tour ON SALE NOW


theshovel--2020-01-26--Tanya Plibersek Calls For Australian School Children To Recite Key Research Outcomes From Labor Part

Tanya Plibersek Calls For Australian School Children To Recite Key Research Outcomes From Labor Party Focus Groups

Saying Australians had lost touch with the key drivers influencing the 55-79 year-old outer-suburban voting demographic , Labor minister Tanya Plibersek has called for all school children to pledge their loyalty to Labor Party focus group talking points each morning .
Under the proposal , every school child in grades one to six would recite the dot points from that week ’ s research findings , as they look up at seat-by-seat polling figures written on the white board .
“ Understanding what makes ordinary mums and dads in Western Sydney tick is an important part of growing up in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ It ’ s an elegant expression of what it takes to be a good citizen ” .
She said she has made the pledge herself every morning for years .
“ Everything I do is based on focus groups .
It ’ s a simple but powerful way to live your life ” .
The former deputy leader released a draft version of the daily pledge , which reads : “ I pledge my loyalty to the findings of the most recent Labor Party research findings , and to the insights of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hard-working mum-and-dad voters , whose values I share .
“ I understand that , at the time of the latest research , 61 % of voters in the important 55-79 year-old demographic say they are uncertain about Labor policies – particularly with regards to franking credits – and may respond better to US-style jingoistic bullshit .
“ I acknowledge the importance of an ongoing commitment to values , except when internal polling suggest I should abandon those values , in which case I will say or do whatever the fuck is necessary to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Saying Australians had lost touch with the key drivers influencing the 55-79 year-old outer-suburban voting demographic, Labor minister Tanya Plibersek has called for all school children to pledge their loyalty to Labor Party focus group talking points each morning.
Under the proposal, every school child in grades one to six would recite the dot points from that week’s research findings, as they look up at seat-by-seat polling figures written on the white board.
“Understanding what makes ordinary mums and dads in Western Sydney tick is an important part of growing up in Australia,” Ms Plibersek said. “It’s an elegant expression of what it takes to be a good citizen”.
She said she has made the pledge herself every morning for years. “Everything I do is based on focus groups. It’s a simple but powerful way to live your life”.
The former deputy leader released a draft version of the daily pledge, which reads:
“I pledge my loyalty to the findings of the most recent Labor Party research findings, and to the insights of ordinary, quiet, fair dinkum, hard-working mum-and-dad voters, whose values I share.
“I understand that, at the time of the latest research, 61% of voters in the important 55-79 year-old demographic say they are uncertain about Labor policies – particularly with regards to franking credits – and may respond better to US-style jingoistic bullshit.
“I acknowledge the importance of an ongoing commitment to values, except when internal polling suggest I should abandon those values, in which case I will say or do whatever the fuck is necessary to gain an extra vote”.


theshovel--2020-01-26--“Credit Where It’s Due: Bettina Arndt’s Work For Men’s Rights Means Men Finally Have Influence In Au

“Credit Where It’s Due: Bettina Arndt’s Work For Men’s Rights Means Men Finally Have Influence In Australia”

EDITORIAL : The decision to award men ’ s rights activist Bettina Arndt an Order Of Australia for services to gender equality has been met with much criticism .
But the evidence of her achievements is there for all to see .
Since Arndt began her tireless campaign for men ’ s rights , men have finally been given a voice in this country .
In fact , many of the positions of power in Australia are now held by men .
Encouragingly , our last three Prime Ministers have been men .
You don ’ t have to go @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when that role was dominated by women .
In fact , between June 2010 and June 2013 not a single man was in a Prime Ministerial position .
Many of our top CEOs are now men .
Just last year , Westpac – one of the nation ’ s biggest banks – announced a man in its top role , unthinkable in 2013 when 100 % of CEOs at Westpac were women .
But that was before Arndt ’ s # MenToo movement hit full flight .
Of course , it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of parliament where the impact of Arndt ’ s work can be felt .
She is a rare public voice speaking on behalf of men everywhere .
Who else is standing up for convicted paedophiles ?
Who else is tirelessly running ‘ fake rape ’ tours .
Who else is fighting back against the sexually provocative young girls who are ruining the lives of adult men ?
True gender equality may still be a way off , and there is still work to be done .
Some government ministries are held by women @ @ @ @ @ @ @ only get paid slightly more than their female counterparts .
But thanks to Ardnt ’ s work , young boys can grow up knowing that they too may one day enjoy the opportunities their mothers and sisters take for granted .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

EDITORIAL: The decision to award men’s rights activist Bettina Arndt an Order Of Australia for services to gender equality has been met with much criticism. But the evidence of her achievements is there for all to see.
Since Arndt began her tireless campaign for men’s rights, men have finally been given a voice in this country. In fact, many of the positions of power in Australia are now held by men.
Encouragingly, our last three Prime Ministers have been men. You don’t have to go too far back to remember a time when that role was dominated by women. In fact, between June 2010 and June 2013 not a single man was in a Prime Ministerial position.
Many of our top CEOs are now men. Just last year, Westpac – one of the nation’s biggest banks – announced a man in its top role, unthinkable in 2013 when 100% of CEOs at Westpac were women. But that was before Arndt’s #MenToo movement hit full flight.
Of course, it’s not just in boardrooms and the houses of parliament where the impact of Arndt’s work can be felt. She is a rare public voice speaking on behalf of men everywhere. Who else is standing up for convicted paedophiles? Who else is tirelessly running ‘fake rape’ tours. Who else is fighting back against the sexually provocative young girls who are ruining the lives of adult men?
True gender equality may still be a way off, and there is still work to be done. Some government ministries are held by women, and in some industries, men only get paid slightly more than their female counterparts. But thanks to Ardnt’s work, young boys can grow up knowing that they too may one day enjoy the opportunities their mothers and sisters take for granted.


theshovel--2020-01-26--Australia Day Honours: Fraser Anning Awarded For Services To Race Relations

Former senator and current neo-Nazi Fraser Anning has been honoured for his tireless work advocating for racial equality .
The @ @ @ @ @ had been a lone voice for white people and had highlighted the many disadvantages suffered @ @ @ @ @ “ Just as Bettina Arndt has called attention to the shocking disadvantages men face in @ @ @ @ @ has fought day in day out for the disadvantages of our first settlers and their @ @ @ @ @ said .
“ Who else is standing up for the real victims of the Christchurch @ @ @ @ @ in jail ?
Who else is giving a platform to the previously ignored voices of @ @ @ @ @ Anning was also commended for his services to the egg industry .
Become a Shovel @ @ @ @ @ on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Former senator and current neo-Nazi Fraser Anning has been honoured for his tireless work advocating for racial equality.
The awards panel said Mr Anning had been a lone voice for white people and had highlighted the many disadvantages suffered by the caucasion minority.
“Just as Bettina Arndt has called attention to the shocking disadvantages men face in this country, Fraser Anning has fought day in day out for the disadvantages of our first settlers and their descendants,” a spokesperson said.
“Who else is standing up for the real victim of the Christchurch massacre, who is now in jail? Who else is giving a platform to the previously ignored voices of white nationalism?”
Mr Anning was also commended for his services to the egg industry.


theshovel--2020-01-28--Prince Andrew Says He Can’t Talk To FBI Due To Rare Vocal Cord Disorder

Prince Andrew has used a series of hand-written signs to reveal that he has a rare vocal cord condition which prohibits him from being interviewed by FBI investigators .
The disorder – which has only surfaced in the last month – means he has been unable to comply with the FBI ’ s repeated requests for him to provide evidence for their Jeffery Epstein investigation .
Aides for the Prince say the condition first emerged at a Pizza Express in Woking , when the Prince tried to order a garlic bread with Mozzarella , but found he couldn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , because it is very unusual for a Prince to order garlic bread .
Usually he goes for the dough balls , ” a spokesperson said .
The Prince revealed the condition at a press conference , where he used signs to answer journalists ’ questions .
Asked what he thought of Epstein ’ s conduct , Prince Andrew help up a piece of paper which read : “ He conducted himself in a manner unbecoming ” .
The FBI said this morning that it would be happy to conduct an interview via @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is not possible due to a new rare condition which means he doesn ’ t have any fingers .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Prince Andrew has used a series of hand-written signs to reveal that he has a rare vocal cord condition which prohibits him from being interviewed by FBI investigators.
The disorder – which was a result of the Falklands War – means he has been unable to comply with the FBI’s repeated requests for him to provide evidence for their Jeffery Epstein investigation.
Aides for the Prince say the condition first emerged at a Pizza Express in Woking, when the Prince tried to order a garlic bread with Mozzarella, but found he couldn’t speak. “He remembers it clearly, because it is very unusual for a Prince to order garlic bread. Usually he goes for the dough balls,” a spokesperson said.
The Prince revealed the condition at a press conference, where he used signs to answer journalists’ questions. Asked what he thought of Epstein’s conduct, Prince Andrew held up a piece of paper which read: “He conducted himself in a manner unbecoming”.
The FBI said this morning that it would be happy to conduct an interview via email, however Prince Andrew says that is not possible due to a new rare condition which means he doesn’t have any fingers.


theshovel--2020-01-28--Now Is Not The Time To Talk About Coronavirus, Morrison Says

Talking about coronavirus while millions of people are at threat from it , is completely inappropriate , the Prime Minister @ @ @ @ @ what his government was doing to prepare for a possible outbreak of the virus , @ @ @ @ @ , sorry not today , ” before taking a question about Australia ’ s chances @ @ @ @ @ in South Africa .
Pressed further for an explanation , Mr Morrison said it was @ @ @ @ @ at risk to talk about potential solutions .
“ Once all of this is over @ @ @ @ @ by this virus , then let ’ s talk about how we might address it @ @ @ @ @ how we might combat this now , before the virus has even properly taken hold @ @ @ @ @ .
He sent his thoughts and prayers to those affected .
‘ The Anti-Experts Guide @ @ @ @ @ Australian Tour ON SALE NOW Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email @ @ @ @ @ Instagram

Talking about coronavirus while millions of people are at threat from it, is completely inappropriate, the Prime Minister says.
Asked this morning what his government was doing to prepare for a possible outbreak of the virus, Mr Morrison said “No, sorry not today,” before taking a question about Australia’s chances in the upcoming T20 series in South Africa.
Pressed further for an explanation, Mr Morrison said it was insensitive to victims and those at risk to talk about potential solutions.
“Once all of this is over and Australia has been devastated by this virus, then let’s talk about how we might address it. But to talk about how we might combat this now, before the virus has even properly taken hold, is frankly inappropriate”.
He sent his thoughts and prayers to those affected.
‘The Anti-Experts Guide To Everything’ – 2020 Australian Tour ON SALE NOW


theshovel--2020-01-29--Morrison Says Australians Quarantined On Christmas Island Will Be Processed As Quickly As Possible A

Morrison Says Australians Quarantined On Christmas Island Will Be Processed As Quickly As Possible And Can Expect To Be Off The Island Within 14 Years

Australia ’ s rapid processing protocols mean those quarantined on Christmas island due to coronavirus fears can expect to be home by the end of 2034 , the Prime Minister has confirmed .
Addressing the media this afternoon , Mr Morrison said he had enacted standard procedures to ensure the process was as painless as possible .
“ This is now a very streamlined process .
Authorities will get straight onto collecting personal details next year , before running a quick nine-year medical check .
Once we ’ re confident there ’ s no risk of infection , we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ years and then have them off the island straight away.
” He said he was aware of the concerns of parents with infants .
“ I want to assure all parents with young ones that we ’ ll have you out of there before they ’ ve turned 18 ” .
Immigration Minister Peter Dutton said those heading to the Christmas Island facility were in for a treat .
“ It ’ s basically a 5-star hotel .
Enjoy your 14 year holiday ” .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Instagram

Australia’s rapid processing protocols mean those quarantined on Christmas island due to coronavirus fears can expect to be home by the end of 2034, the Prime Minister has confirmed.
Addressing the media this afternoon, Mr Morrison said he had enacted standard procedures to ensure the process was as painless as possible.
“This is now a very streamlined process. Authorities will get straight onto collecting personal details next year, before running a quick nine-year medical check. Once we’re confident there’s no risk of infection, we’ll forget about everyone for a few years and then have them off the island straight away.”
He said he was aware of the concerns of parents with infants. “I want to assure all parents with young ones that we’ll have you out of there before they’ve turned 18”.
Immigration Minister Peter Dutton said those heading to the Christmas Island facility were in for a treat. “It’s basically a 5-star hotel. Enjoy your 14 year holiday”.


theshovel--2020-01-29--The Shovel Crossword #2

The Shovel Crossword #2

It ’ s the one thing that ’ s been missing from your life this whole time – a satirical @ @ @ @ @ just like the New York Times crossword , but with more questions about Barnaby Joyce @ @ @ @ @ ask : Creating all this relentless comedy takes time .
So if you enjoyed this @ @ @ @ @ donating to The Shovel .
It costs as little as $ 3 a month – @ @ @ @ @ cheap coffee , or an hour ’ s wages at a George Calombaris restaurant .
@ @ @ @ @ member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

It’s the one thing that’s been missing from your life this whole time – a satirical crossword. It’s just like the New York Times crossword, but with more questions about Barnaby Joyce.
A small favour to ask: Creating all this relentless comedy takes time. So if you enjoyed this crossword, you might consider donating to The Shovel. It costs as little as $3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee, or an hour’s wages at a George Calombaris restaurant. Click here.


theshovel--2020-01-29--The Shovel Crossword #1

The Shovel Crossword #1

It ’ s the one thing that ’ s been missing from your life this whole time – a satirical @ @ @ @ @ just like the New York Times crossword , but with more questions about Engadine Maccas @ @ @ @ @ ask : Creating all this relentless comedy takes time .
So if you enjoyed this @ @ @ @ @ donating to The Shovel .
It costs as little as $ 3 a month – @ @ @ @ @ cheap coffee , or an hour ’ s wages at a George Calombaris restaurant .
@ @ @ @ @ Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

It’s the one thing that’s been missing from your life this whole time – a satirical crossword. It’s just like the New York Times crossword, but with more questions about Engadine Maccas.
A small favour to ask: Creating all this relentless comedy takes time. So if you enjoyed this crossword, you might consider donating to The Shovel. It costs as little as $3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee, or an hour’s wages at a George Calombaris restaurant. Click here.


theshovel--2020-01-29--Most Coronavirus Cases Caused By Arson, The Australian Claims

At least two thirds of all instances of the deadly coronavirus have been deliberately started by arsonists , the country ’ s national newspaper says .
In a lengthy editorial today , The Australian used historical figures from suburban house fires to provide irrefutable evidence of the virus ’ s cause .
“ When you look at the house fires data , overlay it with fuel load statistics , then change the y-axis label to ‘ coronavirus ’ , it ’ s very clear that there ’ s a strong historical link between arson activity and this epidemic , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s more , when you turn the graph upside down , the link is even stronger ” .
The editorial said claims that the virus was spread through coughing , sneezing or bodily contact were dubious .
“ We ’ ve had coughing and sneezing for millennia , but we ’ ve never had coronavirus .
That theory simply doesn ’ t hold weight .
But since the increase in arson over the Australian summer , coronavirus infections have skyrocketed .
Coincidence ?
No ” .
It said the Greens ’ opposition to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the disease .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

At least two thirds of all instances of the deadly coronavirus have been deliberately started by arsonists, the country’s national newspaper says.
In a lengthy editorial today, The Australian used historical figures from suburban house fires to provide irrefutable evidence of the virus’s cause.
“When you look at the house fires data, overlay it with fuel load statistics, then change the y-axis label to ‘coronavirus’, it’s very clear that there’s a strong historical link between arson activity and this epidemic,” the editorial read. “What’s more, when you turn the graph upside down, the link is even stronger”.
The editorial said claims that the virus was spread through coughing, sneezing or bodily contact were dubious. “We’ve had coughing and sneezing for millennia, but we’ve never had coronavirus. That theory simply doesn’t hold weight. But since the increase in arson over the Australian summer, coronavirus infections have skyrocketed. Coincidence? No”.
It said the Greens’ opposition to land clearing had also increased the spread of the disease.


theshovel--2020-02-06--Shovel Crossword #3 – McKenzie’s Pulled Pork

Almost as entertaining as a Nationals leadership spill .
You can play our other crosswords here .
We choose a @ @ @ @ @ support it ?
Unlike a lot of news organisations , we rigorously research all of @ @ @ @ @ up .
That takes time , and we don ’ t charge a cent .
@ @ @ @ @ crossword , you might consider donating to The Shovel .
It costs as little as @ @ @ @ @ about the cost of a cheap coffee , or 0.00001 % of a Mosman Rowing @ @ @ @ @ here .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | @ @ @

Almost as entertaining as a Nationals leadership spill.
You can play our other crosswords here.
We choose a different approach. Will you support it? Unlike a lot of news organisations, we rigorously research all of the news stories we make up. That takes time, and we don’t charge a cent. So if you enjoyed this crossword, you might consider donating to The Shovel. It costs as little as $3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee, or 0.00001% of a Mosman Rowing Club sports grant. Click here.


theshovel--2020-02-10--Aussie Taika Waititi Wins Oscar!

Aussie Taika Waititi Wins Oscar!

Aussie filmmaker Taika Waititi has won the award for Best Adapted Screenplay at this year ’ s Academy Awards , @ @ @ @ @ .
The much-loved local boy wasn ’ t actually born here , but spent a @ @ @ @ @ he was a kid , so he is Australian .
“ Everything he knows about @ @ @ @ @ 6-day holiday when he was eight.
” and industry insider said .
“ I think @ @ @ @ @ stopped over at Sydney Airport once on the way to Asia in the late 1990s @ @ @ @ @ calls Australia home ” .
Prime Minister Scott Morrison said it was great to see @ @ @ @ @ international stage .
“ You don ’ t get much more Australian than Taika Waititi @ @ @ @ @ grew up in Raukokore , in the outer eastern suburbs of Sydney .
He joins @ @ @ @ @ a winner on film ’ s night of nights .
Become a Shovel member .
@ @ @ @ @ | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Aussie filmmaker Taika Waititi has won the award for Best Adapted Screenplay at this year’s Academy Awards, for his film Jojo Rabbit.
The much-loved local boy wasn’t actually born here, but spent a holiday in Melbourne once when he was a kid, so he is Australian.
“Everything he knows about filmmaking he learnt on that 6-day holiday when he was eight.” an industry insider said. “I think he might’ve even stopped over at Sydney Airport once on the way to Asia in the late 1990s, so he very much calls Australia home”.
Prime Minister Scott Morrison said it was great to see Australian talent awarded on the international stage. “You don’t get much more Australian than Taika Waititi – congratulations mate.”
Waititi grew up in Raukokore, in the outer eastern suburbs of Sydney.
He joins fellow Aussie Russel Crowe as a winner on film’s night of nights.


theshovel--2020-02-10--George Calombaris Receives Emergency Government Assistance After Renaming His Restaurant ‘The Toorak

George Calombaris Receives Emergency Government Assistance After Renaming His Restaurant ‘The Toorak Croquet & Duck Shooting Club’

George Calombaris ’ s restaurant empire has avoided going into receivership after being allocated a $ 10 million Federal Government @ @ @ @ @ room facilities .
The former Masterchef host had previously requested government assistance , but was @ @ @ @ @ he rebranded his signature restaurant as a niche elitist sporting club in a Coalition-held seat @ @ @ @ @ s CBD will now be known as The Toorak Croquet and Duck Shooting Club .
@ @ @ @ @ honest , the thing that my restaurants have always been lacking is a place for @ @ @ @ @ sports gear , ” Mr Calombaris said .
“ The new Olympic-sized swimming pool will @ @ @ @ @ too ” .
Treasurer Josh Frydenberg said the grant was evidence of the Coalition ’ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ We need to get more girls involved in sport and where better to @ @ @ @ @ Greek fusion restaurant in Flinders Street ?
” Become a Shovel member .
Or follow @ @ @ @ @ | Twitter | Instagram

George Calombaris’s restaurant empire has avoided going into receivership after being allocated a $10 million Federal Government grant to upgrade female change room facilities.
The former Masterchef host had previously requested government assistance, but was unable to secure funds until he rebranded his signature restaurant as a niche elitist sporting club in a Coalition-held seat. Gazi in Melbourne’s CBD will now be known as The Toorak Croquet and Duck Shooting Club.
“If I’m honest, the thing that my restaurants have always been lacking is a place for girls to change into their sports gear,” Mr Calombaris said. “The new Olympic-sized swimming pool will add to the dining experience too”.
Treasurer Josh Frydenberg said the grant was evidence of the Coalition’s commitment to community programs. “We need to get more girls involved in sport and where better to do that than at a Greek fusion restaurant in Flinders Street?”


theshovel--2020-02-12--People Take Cruises For Fun, Surprising New Research Confirms

People entrap themselves on cramped , disease-infested boats by choice , it has been revealed .
Up until now it had been assumed that people boarded an all-inclusive Royal Caribbean Fun In The Sun 28-day cruise as some form of punishment .
But a new study has found that many people do it because they think it will be fun .
Lead researcher Johanna Reid said she was shocked by the findings .
“ We were hoping to learn more about the types of crimes cruise passengers had committed to warrant this cruel and unusual punishment .
But then we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ go on these things .
As in , it ’ s actually on their own free will ” .
Cruise regular Dominic Grist said he took a cruise to take a break from hectic city life .
“ I just wanted to get away from it all and sit next to a small pool with 400 other people for 3 weeks , ” he said .
“ My apartment in Sydney is pretty small , so I wanted to pay more for a room that was even smaller for a while ” .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the ocean was hard to describe .
“ That fresh sea air is just magical when you can smell it over the raw sewage seeping out of the overflowing toilets ” .
Another cruise regular , Rachel Waite , said she loved range of people and infectious diseases .
“ Sharing a buffet breakfast and norovirus with people from all around the world is something you definitely won ’ t do back home .
I love it .
It ’ s contagious !
” .
Cruise industry spokesperson Leah Probin said some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Yes , the rooms are small and you do run out of things to do pretty quickly .
But on the other hand there ’ s a very strong chance you ’ ll contract an transmissible disease ” .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

People entrap themselves on cramped, disease-infested boats by choice, it has been revealed.
Up until now it had been assumed that people boarded an all-inclusive Royal Caribbean Fun In The Sun 28-day cruise as some form of punishment. But a new study has found that many people do it because they think it will be fun.
Lead researcher Johanna Reid said she was shocked by the findings. “We were hoping to learn more about the types of crimes cruise passengers had committed to warrant this cruel and unusual punishment. But then we were told that people actually pay to go on these things. As in, it’s actually of a their own free will”.
Cruise regular Dominic Grist said he took a cruise to take a break from hectic city life. “I just wanted to get away from it all and sit next to a small pool with 400 other people for 3 weeks,” he said. “My apartment in Sydney is pretty small, so I wanted to pay more for a room that was even smaller for a while”.
He said the feeling of being out in the ocean was hard to describe. “That fresh sea air is just magical when you can smell it over the raw sewage seeping out of the overflowing toilets”.
Another cruise regular, Rachel Waite, said she loved the range of people and infectious diseases. “Sharing a buffet breakfast and norovirus with people from all around the world is something you definitely won’t do back home. I love it. It’s contagious!”.
Cruise industry spokesperson Leah Probin said some people had the wrong idea about cruises. “Yes, the rooms are small and you do run out of things to do pretty quickly. But on the other hand there’s a very strong chance you’ll contract a transmissible disease”.


theshovel--2020-02-14--Shovel Crossword #4 – Blame the Kids

Shovel Crossword #4 – Blame the Kids

Just like the Times Crossword , but with more questions about sewage .
You can play our other crosswords here @ @ @ @ @ approach .
Will you support it ?
Unlike a lot of news organisations , we @ @ @ @ @ news stories we make up .
That takes time , and we don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ if you enjoyed this crossword , you might consider donating to The Shovel .
It @ @ @ @ @ 3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee , or 0.00001 % @ @ @ @ @ sports grant .
Click here .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on @ @ @ @ @ | Instagram

Just like the Times Crossword, but with more questions about sewage.
You can play our other crosswords here.
We choose a different approach. Will you support it? Unlike a lot of news organisations, we rigorously research all of the news stories we make up. That takes time, and we don’t charge a cent. So if you enjoyed this crossword, you might consider donating to The Shovel. It costs as little as $3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee, or 0.00001% of a Mosman Rowing Club sports grant. Click here.


theshovel--2020-02-17--Morrison Agrees To Bail Out Holden If They Re-Open As An Open-Cut Coal Mine

Scott Morrison has thrown iconic car-maker Holden a lifeline , approving a $ 200 billion emergency grant to help the troubled carmaker transition into a future-ready coal mine .
Mr Morrison said companies had to find ways to adapt to the realities of the new economy by embracing new technologies , rather than being stuck in the past .
“ We ’ ve seen a lot of upheaval in traditional industries like car-making lately .
And rather than seeing these companies leave Australia , we want help them transition to the industries of the future , ” Mr Morrison said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to become the fossil fuel centre of the world .
It ’ s very exciting ” .
The Prime Minister said he would be open to a phased strategy that saw Holden initially switch to making coal-powered cars , before transitioning fully into a large-scale coal facility .
“ Australia would be the only country in the world producing coal-fired cars , ” he said .
Coal mining is a big employer in Australia , with the Adani mine alone set to employ eleven people .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow @ @ @ @ @ @ @ | Instagram

Scott Morrison has thrown iconic car-maker Holden a lifeline, approving a $200 billion emergency grant to help the troubled carmaker transition into a future-ready coal mine.
Mr Morrison said companies had to find ways to adapt to the realities of the new economy by embracing new technologies, rather than being stuck in the past.
“We’ve seen a lot of upheaval in traditional industries like car-making lately. And rather than seeing these companies leave Australia, we want help them transition to the industries of the future,” Mr Morrison said.
“Our vision is for Australia to become the fossil fuel centre of the world. It’s very exciting”.
The Prime Minister said he would be open to a phased strategy that saw Holden initially switch to making coal-powered cars, before transitioning fully into a large-scale coal facility. “Australia would be the only country in the world producing coal-fired cars,” he said.
Coal mining is a big employer in Australia, with the Adani mine alone set to employ eleven people.


theshovel--2020-02-19--Hotel Room Only Has 48 Lamps

Hotel Room Only Has 48 Lamps

A room at a local hotel chain has fewer than 50 lamps , a man was surprised to discover this week .
Lenny Richards said he generally likes to spend more time searching for lamps to turn off before he goes to bed .
“ I found them all within 20 minutes , and then it took me only another two hours to find the switches , so it was all disappointingly quick actually , ” he said .
Richards said the bedside tables were particularly lacking in lighting facilities .
“ I was pleased to see there were the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and another 15 randomly scattered along the walls .
But I must say I was a bit surprised to find only 13 on each side of the bed .
I ’ m not sure how you ’ re going to get the not-quite-bright-enough atmosphere that I ’ m used to in a hotel room with only 26 bedside lamps ” .
Richards said he was opposed to the idea of a single ceiling light .
“ Yeah I ’ ve heard that theory before .
But why have one light and one switch @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when you partly illuminate it with hundreds of lamps ?
” At publication time McMillon was searching for a spare power point to charge his phone .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

A room at a local hotel chain has fewer than 50 lamps, a man was surprised to discover this week.
Lenny Richards said he generally likes to spend more time searching for lamps to turn off before he goes to bed. “I found them all within 20 minutes, and then it took me only another two hours to find the switches, so it was all disappointingly quick actually,” he said.
Richards said the bedside tables were particularly lacking in lighting facilities. “I was pleased to see there were the usual seven lamps on the desk, and another 15 randomly scattered along the walls. But I must say I was a bit surprised to find only 13 on each side of the bed. I’m not sure how you’re going to get the not-quite-bright-enough atmosphere that I’m used to in a hotel room with only 26 bedside lamps”.
Richards said he was opposed to the idea of a single ceiling light. “Yeah I’ve heard that theory before. But why have one light and one switch to illuminate a 16 square metre room when you partly illuminate it with hundreds of lamps?”
At publication time McMillon was searching for a spare power point to charge his phone.


theshovel--2020-02-19--Jeff Bezos To Help Address Climate Change By Getting Environment To Work Harder

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says we should be getting an extra 6-7 % efficiency out of the environment , minimum @ @ @ @ @ help address climate change , the billionaire businessman said that he had identified hundreds of @ @ @ @ @ easily eradicated .
“ There ’ s a lot of wastage .
What is the @ @ @ @ @ example ?
Often there ’ s a full twelve hours where the environment is totally @ @ @ @ @ cut break times down significantly , ” he said .
He pledged to increase shift @ @ @ @ @ KPI program and implement a system to track down time .
“ I think we @ @ @ @ @ Let ’ s see what the environment can really do ” .
Become a Shovel @ @ @ @ @ on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says we should be getting an extra 6-7% efficiency out of the environment, minimum.
Pledging his commitment to help address climate change, the billionaire businessman said that he had identified hundreds of small inefficiencies that could be easily eradicated.
“There’s a lot of wastage. What is the environment doing at night for example? Often there’s a full twelve hours where the environment is totally under-utilised – we need to cut break times down significantly,” he said.
He pledged to increase shift lengths, introduce a new KPI program and implement a system to track down time. “I think we can dramatically increase productivity. Let’s see what the environment can really do”.


theshovel--2020-02-23--Morrison Calls For Royal Commission Into Shape Of Earth

Saying it was important to hear all sides of the story , PM Scott Morrison has announced a Royal Commission to get to the bottom of what shape our planet really is .
The Terms of Reference will allow the commission to explore the possibility of all different types of two and three dimensional shapes for the earth , although it won ’ t extend to other planets .
Speaking to media today , the Prime Minister said it was important to keep an open mind about the issue .
“ A lot of people believe the earth is round @ @ @ @ @ @ @ opinion .
We need to hear from a range of voices on this issue , ” Mr Morrison said .
Asked what shape he thought the globe was , Mr Morrison said he did not want to jump to conclusions before the Royal Commission had heard all of the evidence .
“ And I ’ ll pick you up on the use of the term ‘ globe ’ – let ’ s not presuppose the outcome before the Commission has even started , ” he said .
The PM confirmed that scientists would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but said that he wanted to hear from ordinary voices too .
“ We want to hear different opinions , not just those of the experts ” Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Saying it was important to hear all sides of the story, PM Scott Morrison has announced a Royal Commission to get to the bottom of what shape our planet really is.
The Terms of Reference will allow the commission to explore the possibility of all different types of two and three dimensional shapes for the earth, although it won’t extend to other planets.
Speaking to media today, the Prime Minister said it was important to keep an open mind about the issue. “A lot of people believe the earth is round, but that’s just one opinion. We need to hear from a range of voices on this issue,” Mr Morrison said.
Asked what shape he thought the globe was, Mr Morrison said he did not want to jump to conclusions before the Royal Commission had heard all of the evidence. “And I’ll pick you up on the use of the term ‘globe’ – let’s not presuppose the outcome before the Commission has even started,” he said.
The PM confirmed that scientists would be providing evidence at the Royal Commission but said that he wanted to hear from ordinary voices too. “We want to hear different opinions, not just those of the experts”
With Rod Baker


theshovel--2020-02-28--Crossword #5 – The North Sydney Rural Swimming Centre

Just like the Times Crossword , but with more questions about Bettina Arndt .
You can play our other crosswords @ @ @ @ @ different approach .
Will you support it ?
Unlike a lot of news organisations , @ @ @ @ @ the news stories we make up .
That takes time , and we don ’ @ @ @ @ @ So if you enjoyed this crossword , you might consider donating to The Shovel .
@ @ @ @ @ $ 3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee , or 0.00001 @ @ @ @ @ Rural Swimming pool upgrade .
Click here .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow @ @ @ @ @ | Twitter | Instagram

Just like the Times Crossword, but with more questions about Bettina Arndt.
You can play our other crosswords here.
We choose a different approach. Will you support it? Unlike a lot of news organisations, we rigorously research all of the news stories we make up. That takes time, and we don’t charge a cent. So if you enjoyed this crossword, you might consider donating to The Shovel. It costs as little as $3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee, or 0.00001% of a North Sydney Rural Swimming pool upgrade. Click here.


theshovel--2020-02-28--PM Commits To Zero Climate Policy By 2050

Scott Morrison says his party will have absolutely no climate policy by the year 2050 .
Addressing media today , Mr Morrison said it was important to look ahead and plan for the long term , as well as addressing the here and now .
“ In the short term we will have no climate policy .
But as we look to the future – in ten , twenty , thirty years ’ time – we will have no climate policy , ” he said .
Environment Minister Susan Ley backed the plan , saying the zero policy initiative showed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ This is a forward-thinking and thorough policy that will see us have no impact at all on addressing climate change for the next 30 years ” .
She called the announced a ‘ balanced approach ’ .
“ Any positive work we do in addressing climate change will be 100 % offset by something ridiculous , like providing subsidies to new coal mines , ” she said .
Some within the right of the Coalition say the plan doesn ’ t go far enough , and have urged the Government to go backwards @ @ @ @ @ @ @ follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Scott Morrison will tell a global climate summit that Australia is committed to achieving zero climate policies by the year 2050.
Mr Morrison said it was important to look ahead and plan for the long term, as well as addressing the here and now. “In the short term we will have no climate policy. But as we look to the future – in ten, twenty, thirty years’ time – we will have no climate policy. We have consistently met the targets we haven’t set” he said.
Environment Minister Susan Ley backed the plan, saying the zero policy initiative showed the government was planning ahead.
“This is a forward-thinking and thorough policy that will see us have no impact at all on addressing climate change for the next 30 years”.
She called the announced a ‘balanced approach’. “Any positive work we do in addressing climate change will be 100% offset by something ridiculous, like providing subsidies to new coal mines,” she said.
Some within the right of the Coalition say the plan doesn’t go far enough, and have urged the Government to go backwards.
With Andy Szikla


theshovel--2020-02-27--Government Approves Grant To Build New Opera House In North Sydney, For Benefit Of Rural Australians

The electorate of North Sydney will receive a $ 300 million grant to build a replica Sydney Opera House on the opposite side of the harbour , in order to make the architectural icon more accessible for regional and remote Australians .
Announcing the grant , Treasurer Josh Frydenberg said the initiative was about removing barriers for people who didn ’ t live in Sydney .
“ If you ’ re from Tamworth or Dubbo , it ’ s a very long way to Circular Quay .
That ’ s why we ’ re building another Opera House in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the bridge in Milsons point ” .
He noted that the new facility would be walking distance from Australia ’ s largest regional swimming pool – ‘ The North Sydney Olympic Swimming Pool ’ – and rural Australia ’ s most famous amusement park , Luna Park .
“ Anyone who says that rural Australia misses out on government spending clearly hasn ’ t been to North Sydney .
We ’ re creating a real regional hub here , ” he said .
The new regional Opera House won ’ t actually host @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 40,000 female change rooms and a shooting range .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

The electorate of North Sydney will receive a $300 million grant to build a replica Sydney Opera House on the opposite side of the harbour, in order to make the architectural icon more accessible for regional and remote Australians.
Announcing the grant, Treasurer Josh Frydenberg said the initiative was about removing barriers for people who didn’t live in Sydney.
“If you’re from Tamworth or Dubbo, it’s a very long way to Circular Quay. That’s why we’re building another Opera House in the very heart of country NSW – across the bridge in Milsons point”.
He noted that the new facility would be walking distance from Australia’s largest regional swimming pool –‘The North Sydney Olympic Swimming Pool’ – and rural Australia’s most famous amusement park, Luna Park.
“Anyone who says that rural Australia misses out on government spending clearly hasn’t been to North Sydney. We’re creating a real regional hub here,” he said.
The new regional Opera House won’t actually host any live events, but will contain 40,000 female change rooms and a shooting range.


theshovel--2020-02-27--Doubts Cast Over Seriousness Of Coronavirus, After Only 97% Of Scientists Claim It Is Real

A growing number of politicians and commentators have questioned the need to treat coronavirus , with many pointing out that only 97 out of 100 scientists believe it exists .
Australian politician Craig Kelly spoke for many when he questioned why so many research bodies were eager to talk about coronavirus .
“ It ’ s very trendy amongst the latte elites right now to believe in coronavirus .
But apart from doctors , scientists , national health bodies , the World Health Organisation and scientific research institutes around the world , no-one has actually provided any proof that this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is a ploy by research bodies to get more grant funding , ” he said .
Politicians in the US and the UK echoed Mr Kelly ’ s concerns , saying it was important for people to do their own research .
“ Yes , I have heard scientists who specialise in viruses say coronavirus exists .
But that ’ s just one opinion .
We need to look at all this from a range of different angles , ” US commentator Roger Grocon said .
“ Instead of wasting eight years of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I would encourage people to use their common sense .
“ I ’ ve analysed footage of people in China who supposedly have this illness and I couldn ’ t find any evidence at all of a virus ” .
He said his own research produced statistics very different to those being claimed by the World Health Organisation .
“ Literally zero percent of the people I know have coronavirus , but you won ’ t see those figures on the WHO website will you ” .
Become a Shovel member .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ | Twitter | Instagram

A growing number of politicians and commentators have questioned the need to treat coronavirus, with many pointing out that only 97 out of 100 scientists believe it exists.
Australian politician Craig Kelly spoke for many when he questioned why so many research bodies were eager to talk about coronavirus.
“It’s very trendy amongst the latte elites right now to believe in coronavirus. But apart from doctors, scientists, national health bodies, the World Health Organisation and scientific research institutes around the world, no-one has actually provided any proof that this thing even exists. Quite clearly this is a ploy by research bodies to get more grant funding,” he said.
Politicians in the US and the UK echoed Mr Kelly’s concerns, saying it was important for people to do their own research.
“Yes, I have heard scientists who specialise in viruses say coronavirus exists. But that’s just one opinion. We need to look at all this from a range of different angles,” US commentator Roger Grocon said.
“Instead of wasting eight years of your life studying the science behind viruses, I would encourage people to use their common sense.
“I’ve analysed footage of people in China who supposedly have this illness and I couldn’t find any evidence at all of a virus”.
He said his own research produced statistics very different to those being claimed by the World Health Organisation. “Literally zero percent of the people I know have coronavirus, but you won’t see those figures on the WHO website will you”.


theshovel--2020-02-27--Coalition Unwilling To Address Coronavirus Until It Knows Exactly How Much It Will Cost

Health Minister Greg Hunt says it would be reckless to begin tackling the coronavirus epidemic until the final costs are known .
Speaking to health professionals today , Mr Hunt said aiming to contain the virus now , before it had spread , was foolhardy .
“ I ’ m not in the business of signing blank cheques .
Let ’ s wait until the virus has run its course , and then we can talk about how much we want to spend , ” Mr Hunt said .
“ Who knows how much this could cost ?
It could @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of dollars , we just don ’ t know .
It ’ s much more prudent to wait for the virus to take hold , rather than spending money trying to address it now ” .
He said that when it came to global emergencies , it was always better to adopt a ‘ wait and see ’ approach .
“ Once the virus has fully spread across the entire population and crippled the economy , then we ’ ll be in a position to properly assess what money we should have spent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his minister , saying the science was still out on coronavirus .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Health Minister Greg Hunt says it would be reckless to begin tackling the coronavirus epidemic until the final costs are known.
Speaking to health professionals today, Mr Hunt said aiming to contain the virus now, before it had spread, was foolhardy. “I’m not in the business of signing blank cheques. Let’s wait until the virus has run its course, and then we can talk about how much we want to spend,” Mr Hunt said.
“Who knows how much this could cost? It could run into the millions, even billions of dollars, we just don’t know. It’s much more prudent to wait for the virus to take hold, rather than spending money trying to address it now”.
He said that when it came to global emergencies, it was always better to adopt a ‘wait and see’ approach. “Once the virus has fully spread across the entire population and crippled the economy, then we’ll be in a position to properly assess what money we should have spent”.
Prime Minister Scott Morrison backed his minister, saying the science was still out on coronavirus.


theshovel--2020-02-26--Bettina Arndt Gives Back Order Of Australia After Realising She Is Denying A More-Deserving Man

Social commentator and men ’ s rights activist Bettina Arndt has voluntarily handed in her AO , after someone pointed @ @ @ @ @ the award herself , she was denying a more-deserving male candidate .
Ms Arndt said @ @ @ @ @ properly recognised for their contribution to Australia .
“ As usual , men are being @ @ @ @ @ we need is yet another woman receiving recognition for their contribution at the expense of @ @ @ @ @ said .
“ I can ’ t stand here and accept this award when I @ @ @ @ @ men that are missing out , ” she said .
Ms Arndt pointed out that @ @ @ @ @ AOs had been awarded to men since the award ’ s inception .
“ It @ @ @ @ @ of how men are being disadvantaged and discriminated against .
I urge other women to @ @ @ @ @ on their Order of Australia to a man ” .
Become a Shovel member .
@ @ @ @ @ | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Social commentator and men’s rights activist Bettina Arndt has voluntarily handed in her AO, after someone pointed out that, by keeping the award herself, she was denying a more-deserving male candidate.
Ms Arndt said it was time men were properly recognised for their contribution to Australia.
“As usual, men are being sidelined. The last thing we need is yet another woman receiving recognition for their contribution at the expense of a man,” she said. “I can’t stand here and accept this award when I know there are so many men that are missing out,” she said.
Ms Arndt pointed out that only 70% of all AOs had been awarded to men since the award’s inception. “It’s yet another example of how men are being disadvantaged and discriminated against. I urge other women to join my lead and pass on their Order of Australia to a man”.


theshovel--2020-02-26--Government Activates Coronavirus Emergency Plan: Morrison To Head To Hawaii Immediately

The Australian Government has activated standard emergency procedures in response to the coronavirus threat , with the Prime Minister booked to take a two-week Waikiki holiday as soon as possible .
National emergency response coordinator Katherine Kruse said her agency had been monitoring the situation and that now was the time to act .
“ This could be quite a significant threat for Australians , so now is the obvious time for the Prime Minister to leave the country , ” she said .
She said now was not the time to deviate from tried and tested emergency response procedures @ @ @ @ @ @ @ groups will mobilise into action , ordinary Australians around the country will pitch in wherever they can , and Scott Morrison will head to a beachside resort in the Pacific .
It ’ s a tried and tested approach for national emergencies , and one that we don ’ t want to mess with right now , ” she said .
Kruse said the Prime Minister would return once the threat had passed .
“ That gives him enough time to have a break , pretend he is cutting his holiday short and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kids ” .
Mr Morrison ’ s office denied that the Prime Minister would be leaving the country , meaning he has definitely left the country already .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

The Australian Government has activated standard emergency procedures in response to the coronavirus threat, with the Prime Minister booked to take a two-week Waikiki holiday as soon as possible.
National emergency response coordinator Katherine Kruse said her agency had been monitoring the situation and that now was the time to act.
“This could be quite a significant threat for Australians, so now is the obvious time for the Prime Minister to leave the country,” she said.
She said now was not the time to deviate from tried and tested emergency response procedures. “As normal, our volunteer groups will mobilise into action, ordinary Australians around the country will pitch in wherever they can, and Scott Morrison will head to a beachside resort in the Pacific. It’s a tried and tested approach for national emergencies, and one that we don’t want to mess with right now,” she said.
Kruse said the Prime Minister would return once the threat had passed. “That gives him enough time to have a break, pretend he is cutting his holiday short and then return to blame his wife and kids”.
Mr Morrison’s office denied that the Prime Minister would be leaving the country, meaning he has definitely left the country already.


theshovel--2020-03-02--Scott Morrison Refuses To Accept Coronavirus Handshake Ban

The Prime Minister says he won ’ t be following the advice of health professionals concerned about the spread of coronavirus , and will forcibly shake whoever ’ s hand he bloody well feels like .
In a media conference this morning Mr Morrison said that while he was supportive of other actions to stop the virus , we needed to be careful not to totally change our way of life .
“ I think we ’ ve gone too far when we ’ re saying a man in a position of power can ’ t grab someone ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ several times for the sake of TV cameras , ” he said .
“ As I travel around the country , I will certainly continue to awkwardly force people to shake my hand , as I have always done ” .
Some people in Mr Morrison ’ s electorate were concerned what they might contract if they were to have their hand shaken by the Prime Minister .
“ I ’ m worried that by being in contact , I ’ ll all of a sudden become a tacky used-car salesman , or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” one resident said .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

The Prime Minister says he won’t be following the advice of health professionals concerned about the spread of coronavirus, and will forcibly shake whoever’s hand he bloody well feels like.
In a media conference this morning Mr Morrison said that while he was supportive of other actions to stop the virus, we needed to be careful not to totally change our way of life.
“I think we’ve gone too far when we’re saying a man in a position of power can’t grab someone’s hand and pump it up and down several times for the sake of TV cameras,” he said. “As I travel around the country, I will certainly continue to awkwardly force people to shake my hand, as I have always done”.
Some people in Mr Morrison’s electorate were concerned what they might contract if they were to have their hand shaken by the Prime Minister. “I’m worried that by being in contact, I’ll all of a sudden become a tacky used-car salesman, or worse – leader of the Liberal Party,” one resident said.


theshovel--2020-03-02--Bridget McKenzie To Head Up Coronavirus Response Force

Saying she had extensive experience in allocating resources to those most in need , Scott Morrison has appointed former sports minister Bridget McKenzie as head of Australia ’ s coronavirus response force .
Ms McKenzie said it was a complex issue that would require careful thought and a colour-coded spreadsheet to determine which Australians required medical assistance most .
“ In an epidemic such as this , where so many people can potentially be affected , we need to look at a whole range of factors to determine who needs the support most urgently , ” she said .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an elderly lady with a history of respiratory issues and immune deficiencies who lives in Newcastle can probably wait for treatment , whereas a 30-year-old man in Mosman who is unsure of who he will vote for at the next election is in urgent need of assistance ” .
Mr Morrison said his office would take a ‘ hands-off ’ approach to administrating the funding and support , and would send only 150-160 emails a day to check in on how Ms McKenzie was going .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow @ @ @ @ @ @ @ | Instagram

Saying she had extensive experience in allocating resources to those most in need, Scott Morrison has appointed former sports minister Bridget McKenzie as head of Australia’s coronavirus response force.
Ms McKenzie said it was a complex issue that would require careful thought and a colour-coded spreadsheet to determine which Australians required medical assistance most.
“In an epidemic such as this, where so many people can potentially be affected, we need to look at a whole range of factors to determine who needs the support most urgently,” she said.
“For example, we can identify that an elderly lady with a history of respiratory issues and immune deficiencies who lives in Newcastle can probably wait for treatment, whereas a 30-year-old man in Mosman who is unsure of who he will vote for at the next election is in urgent need of assistance”.
Mr Morrison said his office would take a ‘hands-off’ approach to administrating the funding and support, and would send only 150-160 emails a day to check in on how Ms McKenzie was going.


theshovel--2020-03-03--Residents In Vaucluse And Toorak Have Started Panic-Buying Bidets

Bathroom showrooms in Vaucluse and Toorak have totally sold out of bidets , as nervous residents stock up ahead of a potential coronavirus outbreak .
In one store , a woman was seen filling her Range Rover with over 20 bidets – one for each bathroom in her house .
In another , shoppers were seen fighting over the last bidet in stock , with suppliers saying it may be days before more can be supplied .
The shortage caused anger amongst some residents , who said they were now unable to buy their weekly bidet .
“ People are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about those of us who just need a bidet as part of our weekly shop ?
How on earth am I going to clean my backside now ?
” one resident said .
Food stores in suburbs as far afield as Point Piper have also sold out of essential items such as caviar and truffle oil , with some shoppers posting pictures on social media of empty caviar shelves .
“ It ’ s just insane , ” one shopper said .
“ I saw one guy buy $ 1000 worth of caviar @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s crazy , but that ’ s all they had left ” .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Bathroom showrooms in Vaucluse and Toorak have totally sold out of bidets, as nervous residents stock up ahead of a potential coronavirus outbreak.
In one store, a woman was seen filling her Range Rover with over 20 bidets – one for each bathroom in her house. In another, shoppers were seen fighting over the last bidet in stock, with suppliers saying it may be days before more can be supplied.
The shortage caused anger amongst some residents, who said they were now unable to buy their weekly bidet. “People are just stockpiling them now. But what about those of us who just need a bidet as part of our weekly shop? How on earth am I going to clean my backside now?” resident Gavin Meagher said.
Food stores in suburbs as far afield as Point Piper have also sold out of essential items such as caviar and truffle oil, with some shoppers posting pictures on social media of empty caviar shelves.
“It’s just insane,” one shopper said. “I saw one guy buy $1000 worth of caviar! Only $1000! It’s crazy, but that’s all they had left”.


theshovel--2020-03-03--People Panic-Buying Toilet Paper Are Most Likely To Die From Coronavirus, New Research Confirms

People who think toilet paper is the most important thing to stock up on during a viral outbreak are probably not smart enough to survive it , new research has confirmed .
With supermarkets around the country selling out of toilet paper , health authorities have reminded people that you can not eat toilet paper or use it to treat viral outbreaks .
But experts say that the warning may be too late for some .
“ What we found is that people who weirdly think that buying 800 rolls of toilet paper will somehow protect them from a viral @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the virus , ” lead researcher Natasha Innis said .
“ I ’ m not convinced they actually know what this is ” .
She said there were other items they might like to consider .
“ Like soap .
There ’ s still plenty available on shelves apparently ” .
She said one woman who panic-bought two shopping trolleys worth of toilet paper later died of hunger .
“ She forgot to buy food unfortunately .
But at least in her final moments she was able to wipe herself with 700 linear @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

People who think toilet paper is the most important thing to stock up on during a viral outbreak are probably not smart enough to survive it, new research has confirmed.
With supermarkets around the country selling out of toilet paper, health authorities have reminded people that you cannot eat toilet paper or use it to treat viral outbreaks. But experts say that the warning may be too late for some.
“What we found is that people who weirdly think that buying 800 rolls of toilet paper will somehow protect them from a viral pandemic are probably most susceptible to catching the virus,” lead researcher Natasha Innis said. “I’m not convinced they actually know what this is”.
She said there were other items they might like to consider. “Like soap. There’s still plenty available on shelves apparently”.
She said one woman who panic-bought two shopping trolleys worth of toilet paper later died of hunger. “She forgot to buy food unfortunately. But at least in her final moments she was able to wipe herself with 700 linear metres of quality 3 ply”.
See The Shovel live


theshovel--2020-03-04--Your IQ Is 150 Minus The Number Of Toilet Paper Rolls You Have In Your House Right Now

A new , simpler measure of intelligence has been developed which is calculated by subtracting the number of rolls of toilet paper you have in your house right now from the number 150 .
“ Previously we ’ ve had to do lengthy and arduous testing to work out someone ’ s IQ .
But this new measure allows us to very quickly assess how bright someone is , ” said Jessica Low , the creator of the new measure .
Roger Taylor from Brisbane , who has an IQ of 19 , said he was totally prepared for a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that coronavirus is known to cause extreme diarrhoea .
“ I forgot to buy food and I don ’ t know where my nearest GP is , but that ’ s ok because I ’ ve got over 100 rolls of Quilton extra soft ” .
Barbara Casey , who has an IQ of less than zero , said she wasn ’ t sure why she bought 1,850 rolls of toilet paper yesterday .
“ I just saw other people doing it , so I thought I ’ d better do it too @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or something ?
I reckon I ’ m winning .
I ’ m going to go out again to today to try and get some more .
The only problem is I can ’ t get into my bathroom now because it ’ s blocked by all the toilet rolls and I ’ m massively busting ” .
Jessica Low , who developed the measure and has an IQ of 150 , said she was having the worst day of her life .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email @ @ @ @ @ @

A new, simpler measure of intelligence has been developed which is calculated by subtracting the number of rolls of toilet paper you have in your house right now from the number 150.
“Previously we’ve had to do lengthy and arduous testing to work out someone’s IQ. But this new measure allows us to very quickly assess how bright someone is,” said Jessica Low, the creator of the new measure.
Roger Taylor from Brisbane, who has an IQ of 19, said he was totally prepared for a potential outbreak of coronavirus, especially given that coronavirus is known to cause extreme diarrhoea.
“I forgot to buy food and I don’t know where my nearest GP is, but that’s ok because I’ve got over 100 rolls of Quilton extra soft”.
Barbara Casey, who has an IQ of less than zero, said she wasn’t sure why she bought 1,850 rolls of toilet paper yesterday. “I just saw other people doing it, so I thought I’d better do it too. Is it some kind of game or something? I reckon I’m winning. I’m going to go out again to today to try and get some more. The only problem is I can’t get into my bathroom now because it’s blocked by all the toilet rolls and I’m massively busting”.
Jessica Low, who developed the measure and has an IQ of 150, said she was having the worst day of her life.
See The Shovel Live! ‘The Anti Experts Guide To Everything’ National Tour


theshovel--2020-03-04--Labor To Wait For Focus Group Research Before Deciding If It Is Before Or Against Coronavirus

Labor Leader Anthony Albanese said the party needs to consider a broad range of views , particularly those of marginal voters , before announcing its policy on coronavirus .
“ This could be the greatest challenge of our times , but we also need to consider what Robert in Townsville thinks before diving head first into a policy position , ” Mr Albanese said .
“ It ’ s just so easy to get caught in a bubble when it comes to these types of things .
Yes , a lot of the scientists are saying that coronavirus is bad @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ordinary voters in Queensland think ” .
He said rather than coming out for or against coronavirus , it was likely his party would try to appeal to both sides , supporting a scaled-down version of coronavirus in certain areas such as Queensland .
“ Let ’ s not forget that , while coronavirus has the potential to cause the death of tens of thousands of people , it could also create a few dozen jobs .
So we do need to keep a balanced perspective on this ” .
Become a Shovel @ @ @ @ @ @ @ | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Labor Leader Anthony Albanese said the party needs to consider a broad range of views, particularly those of marginal voters, before announcing its policy on coronavirus.
“This could be the greatest challenge of our times, but we also need to consider what Robert in Townsville thinks before diving head first into a policy position,” Mr Albanese said.
“It’s just so easy to get caught in a bubble when it comes to these types of things. Yes, a lot of the scientists are saying that coronavirus is bad, that’s not necessarily what ordinary voters in Queensland think”.
He said rather than coming out for or against coronavirus, it was likely his party would try to appeal to both sides, supporting a scaled-down version of coronavirus in certain areas such as Queensland.
“Let’s not forget that, while coronavirus has the potential to cause the death of tens of thousands of people, it could also create a few dozen jobs. So we do need to keep a balanced perspective on this”.


theshovel--2020-03-05--Fears Sanders May Turn US Into Nightmarish Hellhole Where Everyone Gets Healthcare

As the Democratic primary race tightens , many are concerned that a Bernie Sanders ’ presidency could lead to a terrifying future where Americans are able to access life-saving healthcare , without needing to sell their last remaining possessions .
Opponents painted a hellish picture of a potential America under Sanders , where people would be able to access healthcare for themselves and their family .
“ Picture this .
You ’ re sick , you might die if you don ’ t get urgent attention , and there ’ s a hospital in your neighbourhood that could save your @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hospital and you ’ re treated , no questions asked .
Is that the sort of future you want for your children ?
” Ohio man Jerry Torton asked .
Verity Laughman , a voter from Wisconsin , said she didn ’ t want the government involved in her life .
“ The last thing we need is the government telling us how to look after our health .
That ’ s what corporate multi-national insurance companies are for .
“ For God ’ s sake , let ’ s leave doctors alone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ navigating the complex terms and conditions of insurance documents to determine whether the life-saving procedure their patient requires is covered or not ” .
Some – like hospitality worker Richie Coleman – have warned that Sanders could turn America into a hellhole like Europe or Australia where people are treated for free .
“ People in those countries don ’ t have freedom like we do .
I want to have a choice – whether to pay $ 20,000 to have a simple operation done , or whether to choose not to have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ freedom ” .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

As the Democratic primary race tightens, many are concerned that a Bernie Sanders’ presidency could lead to a terrifying future where Americans are able to access life-saving healthcare, without needing to sell their last remaining possessions.
Opponents painted a hellish picture of a potential America under Sanders, where people would be able to access healthcare for themselves and their family.
“Picture this. You’re sick, you might die if you don’t get urgent attention, and there’s a hospital in your neighbourhood that could save your life. You go down to the hospital and you’re treated, no questions asked. Is that the sort of future you want for your children?” Ohio man Jerry Torton asked.
Verity Laughman, a voter from Wisconsin, said she didn’t want the government involved in her life. “The last thing we need is the government telling us how to look after our health. That’s what corporate multi-national insurance companies are for.
“For God’s sake, let’s leave doctors alone to focus on their core responsibility – navigating the complex terms and conditions of insurance documents to determine whether the life-saving procedure their patient requires is covered or not”.
Some – like hospitality worker Richie Coleman – have warned that Sanders could turn America into a hellhole like Europe or Australia where people are treated for free.
“People in those countries don’t have freedom like we do. I want to have a choice – whether to pay $20,000 to have a simple operation done, or whether to choose not to have that operation done. That’s freedom”.


theshovel--2020-03-04--Labor To Wait For Focus Group Research Before Deciding If It Is For Or Against Coronavirus


theshovel--2020-03-05--Scott Morrison Starts Panic-Buying Pina Coladas, As Fears Of Travel Ban Grows

Fearing he may not get to Hawaii again this year , the Prime Minister has cleared the rum , coconut @ @ @ @ @ at his local shopping centre , so he is able to make pina coladas at @ @ @ @ @ emergency .
At a family meeting this morning , Mr Morrison urged his wife and @ @ @ @ @ but said there was a chance they would not be able to escape to Waikiki @ @ @ @ @ “ There is a real danger that flights will be cancelled .
And while I @ @ @ @ @ be alarmist , I do want everyone to prepare for the fact that we may @ @ @ @ @ next month , ” he said .
The Prime Minister explained that he had stockpiled @ @ @ @ @ of pina coladas as well as a pair of cheap plastic chairs .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ ambience of our summer trip right here in the Shire , ” he said .
@ @ @ @ @ Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Fearing he may not get to Hawaii again this year, the Prime Minister has cleared the rum, coconut milk and pineapple juice aisles at his local shopping centre, so he is able to make pina coladas at home in case of an emergency.
At a family meeting this morning, Mr Morrison urged his wife and daughters to remain calm, but said there was a chance they would not be able to escape to Waikiki if things get worse.
“There is a real danger that flights will be cancelled. And while I don’t want to be alarmist, I do want everyone to prepare for the fact that we may not be going to Hawaii next month,” he said.
The Prime Minister explained that he had stockpiled enough ingredients for 200 litres of pina coladas as well as a pair of cheap plastic chairs.
“I think we can re-create the ambience of our summer trip right here in the Shire,” he said.


theshovel--2020-03-06--Crossword #6 – Toilet Paper Armageddon

Crossword #6 – Toilet Paper Armageddon

Just like the Times Crossword , but with more questions about dunny paper .
You can play our other crosswords @ @ @ @ @ different approach .
Will you support it ?
Unlike a lot of news organisations , @ @ @ @ @ the news stories we make up .
That takes time , and we don ’ @ @ @ @ @ So if you enjoyed this crossword , you might consider donating to The Shovel .
@ @ @ @ @ $ 3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee , or 0.00001 @ @ @ @ @ failed presidency bid .
Plus , we ’ ll send you lots of member-exclusive stuff @ @ @ @ @ a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Just like the Times Crossword, but with more questions about dunny paper.
You can play our other crosswords here.
We choose a different approach. Will you support it? Unlike a lot of news organisations, we rigorously research all of the news stories we make up. That takes time, and we don’t charge a cent. So if you enjoyed this crossword, you might consider donating to The Shovel. It costs as little as $3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee, or 0.00001% of a Mike Bloomberg failed presidency bid. Plus, we’ll send you lots of member-exclusive stuff. Click here.


theshovel--2020-03-05--Scott Morrison Starts Panic-Buying Pina Coladas, As Fears Of Travel Ban Grow


theshovel--2020-03-08--5 Great Toilet Paper Recipes For Idiots Who Forgot To Buy Food

You ’ ve contracted coronavirus , you ’ ve been told you need to self-isolate for 14 days , and instead of buying things you actually might need – like food – you bought 80-dozen rolls of toilet paper .
Whoops !
Luckily , there are some creative ways to bring those 960 rolls of 3-ply to life in a range of delicious dishes .
Spag Bog Roll : Everyone has their own take on this family classic .
Some people use red wine , others add caramelised onions , while others still like to include shredded carrots .
Unfortunately @ @ @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t have any food – so you ’ re going to need to take it back to basics .
Tear 4 x bog rolls into long thin strips .
Heat in a saucepan of boiling water for 8-9 minutes or until they dissolve in a mush on your teeth .
Drain , then serve .
You can freeze any leftovers for later in your self-isolation period .
Chicko Toilet Rolls : Find as much random shit from around the house as you can – doesn ’ t matter if you don @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stuff it all into a roll of toilet paper , heat in a microwave for 30 seconds , leave uncovered for 8 hours , then serve in a small paper bag .
Some people will vomit it up immediately which is a great way to get your filling for the next batch .
Spring Toilet Rolls : Deep-fry a dozen toilet paper rolls , drain , place on a small white plate , then eat before they have properly cooled down .
Sushi Toilet Rolls : Toilet paper is traditionally eaten cooked , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on its head .
Simply take a roll of toilet paper out of the packet and eat it raw .
Engine oil and green paint make great substitutes for dipping sauces .
Try to find toilet paper rolls that you ’ ve panic-bought recently – the fresher the better !
Sausage Toilet Rolls : You probably haven ’ t thought to buy any meat for your isolation , but that ’ s ok , because sausage rolls don ’ t have meat in them anyway .
Heat a roll of toilet paper in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Serve cold in a bag .
Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

You’ve contracted coronavirus, you’ve been told you need to self-isolate for 14 days, and instead of buying things you actually might need – like food – you bought 80-dozen rolls of toilet paper. Whoops!
Luckily, there are some creative ways to bring those 960 rolls of 3-ply to life in a range of delicious dishes.
Spag Bog Roll: Everyone has their own take on this family classic. Some people use red wine, others add caramelised onions, while others still like to include shredded carrots. Unfortunately because you’re a dumbass you don’t have any food – so you’re going to need to take it back to basics.
Tear 4 x bog rolls into long thin strips. Heat in a saucepan of boiling water for 8-9 minutes or until they dissolve in a mush on your teeth. Drain, then serve. You can freeze any leftovers for later in your self-isolation period.
Chicko Toilet Rolls:Find as much random shit from around the house as you can – doesn’t matter if you don’t know what it is – stuff it all into a roll of toilet paper, heat in a microwave for 30 seconds, leave uncovered for 8 hours, then serve in a small paper bag. Some people will vomit it up immediately which is a great way to get your filling for the next batch.
Spring Toilet Rolls: Deep-fry a dozen toilet paper rolls, drain, place on a small white plate, then eat before they have properly cooled down.
Sushi Toilet Rolls: Toilet paper is traditionally eaten cooked, but this Japanese delicacy throws that idea on its head. Simply take a roll of toilet paper out of the packet and eat it raw. Engine oil and green paint make great substitutes for dipping sauces. Try to find toilet paper rolls that you’ve panic-bought recently – the fresher the better!
Sausage Toilet Rolls: You probably haven’t thought to buy any meat for your isolation, but that’s ok, because sausage rolls don’t have meat in them anyway. Heat a roll of toilet paper in a pie warmer for 24-36 hours. Serve cold in a bag.


theshovel--2020-03-08--Trump Says He Will Travel To Coronavius Soon To Help Out With Crisis There

US President Donald Trump says the US is willing to provide whatever support the people of Coronavirus need to help @ @ @ @ @ feet again .
Addressing journalists this morning , Mr Trump said he loved Coronavirus and @ @ @ @ @ many times .
“ It ’ s a beautiful place .
Great people .
It @ @ @ @ @ ’ s happened there , ” he said .
Mr Trump said he had heard @ @ @ @ @ have died and that businesses were struggling in Coronavirus .
“ We ’ re developing @ @ @ @ @ thing that – and not a lot of people know this – can help rebuild @ @ @ @ @ such as these ” .
Mr Trump said he will make a trip to the @ @ @ @ @ Become a Shovel member .
Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | @

US President Donald Trump says the US is willing to provide whatever support the people of Coronavirus need to help them get back on their feet again.
Addressing journalists this morning, Mr Trump said he loved Coronavirus and had travelled there many, many times. “It’s a beautiful place. Great people. It’s so sad what’s happened there,” he said.
Mr Trump said he had heard that a lot of people have died and that businesses were struggling in Coronavirus.
“We’re developing a vaccine which is a thing that – and not a lot of people know this – can help rebuild houses and buildings in places such as these”.
Mr Trump said he will make a trip to the troubled island next week.
With Paul Dovas