theshovel--2020-10-15--Apart From Quarantine, Border Control, Aged Care, Welfare And Social Services, COVID-19 Isn’t A Fede

Apart From Quarantine, Border Control, Aged Care, Welfare And Social Services, COVID-19 Isn’t A Federal Government Issue, Morrison Says

Prime Minister Scott Morrison says the federal government can not be held accountable for any failures relating to the nation ’ s COVID-19 response , reminding voters that apart from a constitutional requirement to control borders , air travel , quarantine policy , aged care facilities , social services and welfare , there is basically nothing it can do .
“ Our hands are tied on this one , ” Mr Morrison told a press conference today .
“ The constitution lays out very clearly what the federal government has responsibility for and what the states have responsibility for , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we look after just aren ’ t that relevant when it comes to responding to a viral pandemic .
“ I mean , people talk about aged care .
But when you look at the numbers you ’ ll see that almost 20 % of COVID deaths have come outside of the aged care sector .
So that ’ s where the real problem is .
That ’ s where the focus needs to be ” .
The Prime Minister said he was happy to talk about his Government ’ s responsibilities , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sleeves and doing a bit of DIY in the backyard with Jenny and the kids after a trip back from Bunnings on a Saturday afternoon with a few beers .
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Prime Minister Scott Morrison says the federal government cannot be held accountable for any failures relating to the nation’s COVID-19 response, reminding voters that apart from a constitutional requirement to control borders, air travel, quarantine policy, aged care facilities, social services and welfare, there is basically nothing it can do.
“Our hands are tied on this one,” Mr Morrison told a press conference today.
“The constitution lays out very clearly what the federal government has responsibility for and what the states have responsibility for, and the fact is, the things we look after just aren’t that relevant when it comes to responding to a viral pandemic.
“I mean, people talk about aged care. But when you look at the numbers you’ll see that almost 20% of COVID deaths have come outside of the aged care sector. So that’s where the real problem is. That’s where the focus needs to be”.
The Prime Minister said he was happy to talk about his Government’s responsibilities, particularly those related to rolling up the sleeves and doing a bit of DIY in the backyard with Jenny and the kids after a trip back from Bunnings on a Saturday afternoon with a few beers.


theshovel--2020-10-15--Facebook Introduces New Option to Let Someone Know You’re Not Thinking Of Them On Their Birthday

Facebook has launched a new feature that will allow users to let their friends know when they honestly couldn ’ @ @ @ @ @ their special day .
Users have responded positively to the new feature , saying it @ @ @ @ @ be honest on social media for once .
“ I got a notification today telling @ @ @ @ @ birthday of some girl I met briefly at a Yoga class in 2009 .
It @ @ @ @ @ her know that I haven ’ t thought about her once since then , ” @ @ @ @ @ .
Angela Van Schliffen from Melbourne said she spends most of her spare time not @ @ @ @ @ she barely knows on Facebook .
“ I ’ d hate to think that an @ @ @ @ @ thought I was thinking about him .
I ’ m not .
Really not .
@ @ @ @ @ .
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Facebook has launched a new feature that will allow users to let their friends know when they honestly couldn’t give two shits about their special day.
Users have responded positively to the new feature, saying it will be a relief to be honest on social media for once. “I got a notification today telling me that it was the birthday of some girl I met briefly at a Yoga class in 2009. It will be nice to let her know that I haven’t thought about her once since then,” Adelaide resident Felicia Campbell said.
Angela Van Schliffen from Melbourne said she spends most of her spare time not thinking about the 487 people she barely knows on Facebook. “I’d hate to think that an ex-boyfriend from eight years ago thought I was thinking about him. I’m not. Really not. Definitely not at all”.
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With Jordan Simon


theshovel--2020-10-18--Sydney To Open Lockdown-Themed Amusement Park For New Zealanders Who Want The Full Melbourne Experie

Sydney To Open Lockdown-Themed Amusement Park For New Zealanders Who Want The Full Melbourne Experience

Saying they were concerned about the high number of Kiwis entering Sydney but then immediately departing for Melbourne , Tourism NSW announced today that it will build a Melbourne-style lockdown amusement park , in an attempt to keep valuable tourism dollars in the state .
NSW Tourism Minister Stuart Ayres acknowledged that while Sydney offered a range of famous landmarks and beautiful beaches , it failed to provide a dystopia where businesses are shut and there are significant restrictions on movement .
“ The truth is , people just prefer Melbourne .
So it ’ s time to just accept @ @ @ @ @ @ @ New Zealanders who want the full Melbourne experience won ’ t have to leave Sydney , ” he said .
The park – which will be located near Sydney Airport – will feature the nation ’ s best fashion shops and arcades , all of which will be closed .
The park ’ s hospitality venues will be open , but patrons will not be allowed to sit down to eat or drink .
Instead , they will be required to walk around the park admiring the closed rides while wearing a mask @ @ @ @ @ @ @ issue fines for non-compliance .
While pricing for the proposed amusement park has not been set , it is believed that visitors will be charged approximately $ 3,000 for adults and $ 500 for children .
This fee will include a mandatory 14-day hotel quarantine after leaving the park .
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Saying they were concerned about the high number of Kiwis entering Sydney but then immediately departing for Melbourne, Tourism NSW announced today that it will build a Melbourne-style lockdown amusement park, in an attempt to keep valuable tourism dollars in the state.
NSW Tourism Minister Stuart Ayres acknowledged that while Sydney offered a range of famous landmarks and beautiful beaches, it failed to provide a dystopia where businesses are shut and there are significant restrictions on movement. “The truth is, people just prefer Melbourne. So it’s time to just accept that and bring Melbourne here. Now New Zealanders who want the full Melbourne experience won’t have to leave Sydney,” he said.
The park – which will be located near Sydney Airport – will feature the nation’s best fashion shops and arcades, all of which will be closed. The park’s hospitality venues will be open, but patrons will not be allowed to sit down to eat or drink. Instead, they will be required to walk around the park admiring the closed rides while wearing a mask. Police will have the authority to issue fines for non-compliance.
While pricing for the proposed amusement park has not been set, it is believed that visitors will be charged approximately $3,000 for adults and $500 for children. This fee will include a mandatory 14-day hotel quarantine after leaving the park.
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By Martin Welzel


theshovel--2020-10-19--Constitutional Experts Reassure Voters That Corporations Will Continue To Run America If Either Cand

Constitutional Experts Reassure Voters That Corporations Will Continue To Run America If Either Candidate Dies

With concerns about the health and age of both Presidential candidates , constitutional experts have reassured voters that the nation ’ s largest corporations will continue to run the country , even in the event of an unexpected health scare .
Governance and constitutional expert Daniel Thurgood said there were unique safeguards built into the US system to ensure the uninterrupted maintenance of power , regardless of what happens to an individual president or candidate .
“ One of the great things about our system is that , even in a disaster scenario , the responsibility bestowed in our nation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the country is preserved .
“ It means that – even if Donald Trump or Joe Biden was to become incapacitated or , God forbid , die – there would be a small number of powerful businessmen who would continue to set tax rates , healthcare policy and defence spending in a steady , constant fashion .
Nothing would change ” .
He said it was important to avoid uncertainty .
“ Leaders change ; parties change .
But we ’ re very lucky to have a system that – at its @ @ @ @ @ @ @ group of people , regardless of who is in power ” .
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With concerns about the health and age of both Presidential candidates, constitutional experts have reassured voters that the nation’s largest corporations will continue to run the country, even in the event of an unexpected health scare.
Governance and constitutional expert Daniel Thurgood said there were unique safeguards built into the US system to ensure the uninterrupted maintenance of power, regardless of what happens to an individual president or candidate.
“One of the great things about our system is that, even in a disaster scenario, the responsibility bestowed in our nation’s billionaires to determine the direction of the country is preserved.
“It means that – even if Donald Trump or Joe Biden was to become incapacitated or, God forbid, die – there would be a small number of powerful businessmen who would continue to set tax rates, healthcare policy and defence spending in a steady, constant fashion. Nothing would change”.
He said it was important to avoid uncertainty. “Leaders change; parties change. But we’re very lucky to have a system that – at its core – is run by the same group of people, regardless of who is in power”.


theshovel--2020-10-20--Government Launches New Track & Trace App, To Find Out What Happened To COVIDSafe App

The Federal Government has announced plans for a new $ 80 million track and trace app to discover the whereabouts of the COVIDSafe App , which hasn ’ t been seen since April .
The new app – officially named WhatTheFuckHappenedToCOVIDSafe – will use sophisticated tracing technology to pinpoint any member of the federal government who has come within a mile of COVIDSafe within the last six months .
“ It ’ s a bit like finding a needle in a haystack .
No-one seems to have been willing to go anywhere near it , ” the app ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ We know , for example , the Prime Minister hasn ’ t come within a mile of the app since late April .
But there must be someone who has had some sort of contact with it , even briefly ” .
Luton said one of the problems with traditional contact tracing was that people often don ’ t want to talk about sensitive or personal details .
“ People don ’ t want to tell us embarrassing things like totally cocking up what was supposed to be the central component of Australia @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this new app , we ’ re confident we ’ ll be able to track down what ’ s happened ” .
The new app will only work on Nokia 5110 phones initially and will be launched with a $ 750 billion advertising campaign .
Plans are already in place to develop a new app to find this latest one , once it also goes missing .
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The Federal Government has announced plans for a new $80 million track and trace app to discover the whereabouts of the COVIDSafe App, which hasn’t been seen since last April.
The new app – officially named WhatTheFuckHappenedToCOVIDSafe – will use sophisticated tracing technology to pinpoint any member of the federal government who has come within a mile of COVIDSafe within the last six months.
“It’s a bit like finding a needle in a haystack. No-one seems to have been willing to go anywhere near it,” the app’s lead developer Rebecca Luton said.
“We know, for example, the Prime Minister hasn’t come within a mile of the app since April 2020. But there must be someone who has had some sort of contact with it, even briefly”.
Luton said one of the problems with traditional contact tracing was that people often don’t want to talk about sensitive or personal details. “People don’t want to tell us embarrassing things like totally cocking up what was supposed to be the central component of Australia’s coronavirus response. But with this new app, we’re confident we’ll be able to track down what’s happened”.
The new app will only work on Nokia 5110 phones initially and will be launched with a $750 billion advertising campaign. Plans are already in place to develop a new app to find this latest one, once it also goes missing.


theshovel--2020-10-22--Pornhub Launches New ‘Just Tucking In My Shirt’ Category

Inspired by the antics of Trump attorney Rudy Giuliani , global porn website Pornhub has announced that it will launch a new category featuring racy videos of people ‘ just tucking in their shirt ’ .
“ We all love to ‘ tuck our shirts in ’ once in a while , if you know what I mean , ” a spokesperson for the website said .
“ Who hasn ’ t been alone in a hotel room with a pretty girl and thought – ‘ I might just lie back on the bed , put my hands down my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sure my shirt is straight ?
It ’ s very normal ” .
The spokesperson said there would be all sorts of videos of people tucking in their shirts .
“ We ’ ve got people tucking in their shirts in groups , people tucking in their shirts while others watch on , people tucking in their shirts for the first time .
“ In one video a man comes around to clean the pool but then ends up tucking in his shirt instead .
It ’ s pretty hot ” .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ new subcategories – including Quick Tucks , Group Tucks and Shirts I ’ d Like To Tuck .
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Inspired by the antics of Trump attorney Rudy Giuliani, global porn website Pornhub has announced that it will launch a new category featuring racy videos of people ‘just tucking in their shirt’.
“We all love to ‘tuck our shirts in’ once in a while, if you know what I mean,” a spokesperson for the website said. “Who hasn’t been alone in a hotel room with a pretty girl and thought – ‘I might just lie back on the bed, put my hands down my pants and – you know – make sure my shirt is straight? It’s very normal”.
The spokesperson said there would be all sorts of videos of people tucking in their shirts. “We’ve got people tucking in their shirts in groups, people tucking in their shirts while others watch on, people tucking in their shirts for the first time.
“In one video a man comes around to clean the pool but then ends up tucking in his shirt instead. It’s pretty hot”.
The website said it had plans to launch new subcategories – including Quick Tucks, Group Tucks and Shirts I’d Like To Tuck.


theshovel--2020-10-22--Morrison Drops Investigation Into Aus Post CEO After She Agrees To Gift $1 Million To Mosman Rowing

Morrison Drops Investigation Into Aus Post CEO After She Agrees To Gift $1 Million To Mosman Rowing Club Instead

Prime Minister Scott Morrison was said to be ‘ shocked and appalled ’ at revelations Australia Post CEO Christine Holgate had gifted luxury watches to senior executives , when she could have just as easily given a million dollars to a struggling rowing club on Sydney ’ s north shore .
‘ If she was good at her job she wouldn ’ t be losing her job ’ claimed Morrison , joining a chorus of Cabinet Ministers calling for her immediate sacking , after a Senate estimates committee was told that the government-owned Australia Post bought Cartier watches worth $ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a reward for securing a lucrative banking deal .
But Ms Holgate later agreed to take back the watches and give a $ 1 million ‘ grant ’ to the rowing club instead , agreeing it was a ‘ much better use of taxpayer funds ’ .
“ The helicopter pad is in need of repair , the chesterfields need reupholstering and this is a marginal Liberal seat now .
So I can see why this would be a better use of funds , ” she said in a statement .
Federal Communications @ @ @ @ @ @ @ saying the original decision was a ‘ poor lapse of judgement ’ .
“ How on earth did she think she was going to make any kind of impact with $ 3,000 ?
I would ’ ve preferred to have seen her gift $ 30 million to the owner of land next to a Sydney airport , or to Foxtel to broadcast ‘ women ’ s sports ’ .
But the rowing club is a reasonable alternative I guess ” .
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Prime Minister Scott Morrison was said to be ‘shocked and appalled’ at revelations Australia Post CEO Christine Holgate had gifted luxury watches to senior executives, when she could have just as easily given a million dollars to a struggling rowing club on Sydney’s north shore.
‘If she was good at her job she wouldn’t be losing her job’ claimed Morrison, joining a chorus of Cabinet Ministers calling for her immediate sacking, after a Senate estimates committee was told that the government-owned Australia Post bought Cartier watches worth $3,000 each for four senior executives as a reward for securing a lucrative banking deal.
But Ms Holgate later agreed to take back the watches and give a $1 million ‘grant’ to the rowing club instead, agreeing it was a ‘much better use of taxpayer funds’.
“The helicopter pad is in need of repair, the chesterfields need reupholstering and this is a marginal Liberal seat now. So I can see why this would be a better use of funds,” she said in a statement.
Federal Communications Minister Paul Fletcher praised the about-face, saying the original decision was a ‘poor lapse of judgement’.
“How on earth did she think she was going to make any kind of impact with $3,000? I would’ve preferred to have seen her gift $30 million to the owner of land next to a Sydney airport, or to Foxtel to broadcast ‘women’s sports’. But the rowing club is a reasonable alternative I guess”.
____
With Paul Dovas


theshovel--2020-10-23--Australia Post CEO Says Cartier Watches Were Posted In May, But Haven’t Arrived Yet

Australia Post CEO Christine Holgate has told a Senate hearing the Cartier watches she bought for senior executives as a @ @ @ @ @ May and should arrive soon .
Under examination from the Senates Estimate Committee , Ms @ @ @ @ @ told the watches had been left in a safe place , but had since been @ @ @ @ @ returned to a local Post Office in inner Melbourne and then subsequently sent to a @ @ @ @ @ We find the most efficient way to get a parcel from the Melbourne CBD to @ @ @ @ @ , ” she said .
Ms Holgate said the executives would have received a card @ @ @ @ @ returned to the nearest Post Office .
“ They would have then had forty-three minutes @ @ @ @ @ before they were returned to the depot .
The good news is , I ’ @ @ @ @ @ re-delivered and will be arriving at some point between 25th October and 28th December ” @ @ @ @ @ Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Australia Post CEO Christine Holgate has told a Senate hearing the Cartier watches she bought for senior executives as a bonus were actually posted in May and should arrive soon.
Under examination from the Senates Estimate Committee, Ms Holgate said she was initially told the watches had been left in a safe place, but had since been made aware that they were returned to a local Post Office in inner Melbourne and then subsequently sent to a depot in Queensland.
“We find the most efficient way to get a parcel from the Melbourne CBD to Carlton North is via Brisbane,” she said.
Ms Holgate said the executives would have received a card saying their gifts had been returned to the nearest Post Office. “They would have then had forty-three minutes to pick them up, before they were returned to the depot. The good news is, I’m told they will be re-delivered and will be arriving at some point between 25th October and 28th December”.
______
By Sarah Yates


theshovel--2020-10-23--Berejiklian Blames Destroyed Documents On ‘Bad Relationship’ With Paper Shredder

NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian says she destroyed documents relating to the awarding of millions of dollars of council grants because she was coaxed into it by her former partner , a Rexel Auto+ 200X paper shredder .
The Premier said it was the shredder ’ s idea to destroy the documents relating to the $ 250 million grant program and that she never did anything wrong .
“ We ’ d been seeing each other on and off for about five years .
And then one day a message came up on his little screen that said ‘ do you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ and I said to him , ‘ I don ’ t need to know about that bit ’ and then I pressed the button that said ‘ Start ’ .
So , as you can see , I acted appropriately at all times .
There was really nothing that I could do .
” .
Berejiklian said the ‘ very close personal relationship ’ was a private matter and insisted the relationship was now over .
“ Rexel Auto+ 200X wasn ’ t my boyfriend .
He wasn ’ t anything of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be … but because I ’ m not the sort of person who ’ d been in a long-term relationship , I didn ’ t want to introduce Rex to my social circle .
He wasn ’ t great in social situations.
” Colleagues rushed to the Premier ’ s defence , saying everyone knew what it was like to make a bad choice with office machinery .
“ She ’ s human like anyone else .
The machinery she chooses to spend time with is a personal matter .
I was once @ @ @ @ @ @ @ legal evidence by a tractor – so I can relate to it .
I think most people can , ” one MP said .
The Daily Telegraph said it would hold the Premier to account with an 8-page souvenir lift-out showing Gladys ’ s softer side .
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NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian says she destroyed documents relating to the awarding of millions of dollars of council grants because she was coaxed into it by her former partner, a Rexel Auto+ 200X paper shredder.
The Premier said it was the shredder’s idea to destroy the documents relating to the $250 million grant program and that she never did anything wrong. “We’d been seeing each other on and off for about five years. And then one day a message came up on his little screen that said ‘do you want to shred these 850 pages?’ and I said to him, ‘I don’t need to know about that bit’ and then I pressed the button that said ‘Start’. So, as you can see, I acted appropriately at all times. There was really nothing that I could do. ”.
Berejiklian said the ‘very close personal relationship’ was a private matter and insisted the relationship was now over.
“Rexel Auto+ 200X wasn’t my boyfriend. He wasn’t anything of note. I certainly hoped it would be … but because I’m not the sort of person who’d been in a long-term relationship, I didn’t want to introduce Rex to my social circle. He wasn’t great in social situations.”
Colleagues rushed to the Premier’s defence, saying everyone knew what it was like to make a bad choice with office machinery. “She’s human like anyone else. The machinery she chooses to spend time with is a personal matter. I was once coaxed into running over 2,000 pages of legal evidence by a tractor – so I can relate to it. I think most people can,” one MP said.
The Daily Telegraph said it would hold the Premier to account with an 8-page souvenir lift-out showing Gladys’s softer side.


theshovel--2020-10-26--Morrison Praises Efforts Of Victorians, Saying They Couldn’t Have Done It Without Him

With the state recording no new COVID-19 cases for the first time in four months , Scott Morrison has applauded Victorians for all the hard work he has done .
In an emotional speech to Victorians Mr Morrison said he wanted to thank each and every one of his office staff for the work they have done .
“ To bring the number of cases down from over 700 just a few short months ago , to zero today , is testament to the hard work and unwavering support my government and my staff have provided throughout the journey .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ While Victorians have been doing it tough over the last four months , just know that Jen and I have been right here with you every step of the way , organising publicity shoots of the Christmas decorations we bought from Bunnings ” .
He said he had been working hand in hand with Victorians since day one .
“ When things started getting bad for Victorians in May I dropped everything and cleared my diary so I could immediately start building a cubby house for the kids .
I think @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I got from that must have been a source of comfort for Victorians stuck in their homes .
“ It ’ s been hard slog .
And Jen and I , more than anyone , know that when you ’ re suffering through the worst crisis in living memory , what you need more than anything is a video of your Prime Minister building a chicken coop ” .
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With the state recording no new COVID-19 cases for the first time in four months, Scott Morrison has applauded Victorians for all the hard work he has done.
In an emotional speech to Victorians Mr Morrison said he wanted to thank each and every one of his office staff for the work they have done.
“To bring the number of cases down from over 700 just a few short months ago, to zero today, is testament to the hard work and unwavering support my government and my staff have provided throughout the journey. Well done,” Mr Morrison said.
“While Victorians have been doing it tough over the last four months, just know that Jen and I have been right here with you every step of the way, organising publicity shoots of the Christmas decorations we bought from Bunnings”.
He said he had been working hand in hand with Victorians since day one. “When things started getting bad for Victorians in May I dropped everything and cleared my diary so I could immediately start building a cubby house for the kids. I think you’ll agree that the publicity I got from that must have been a source of comfort for Victorians stuck in their homes.
“It’s been hard slog. And Jen and I, more than anyone, know that when you’re suffering through the worst crisis in living memory, what you need more than anything is a video of your Prime Minister building a chicken coop”.
________
By Miles Carter


theshovel--2020-10-26--“If It Wasn’t For Multiculturalism, Melbourne Would Have Had Even Less Than Zero Cases Today”: Andre

“If It Wasn’t For Multiculturalism, Melbourne Would Have Had Even Less Than Zero Cases Today”: Andrew Bolt

“ It ’ s all so predictable .
Melbourne records no new COVID-19 cases and the latte-art , chardonnay sipping , leftist elite think it ’ s cause for celebration .
But while you ’ re out buying your vegan donuts , consider this .
How much lower could those case numbers have been today if Melbourne had ended its dangerous experiment with toxic multiculturalism ?
If it weren ’ t for the housing commission towers crowded with non-English speakers from countries that do not share our values , Melbourne ’ s numbers could have been a third – even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
If it weren ’ t for people with dark skin arrogantly drawing attention to themselves in Melbourne ’ s north and western suburbs , today ’ s numbers would have almost certainly been much , much lower .
It ’ s no coincidence that in the suburbs where multiculturalism is least prevalent – in Toorak , Canterbury , Brighton and Portsea – there was not a single case recorded .
Not one .
Nada .
But of course those from immigrant backgrounds won ’ t understand what ‘ nada ’ means because @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Don ’ t even try .
And while the people in white suburbs are clearly doing the right thing , patiently waiting until they can be freed to go skiing in Aspen again , they are punished for the actions of those elsewhere .
Selfishness writ large .
It ’ s time to admit that this experiment with multiculturalism has failed .
If we don ’ t , we may well see Melbourne ’ s case numbers double tomorrow ” .
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“It’s all so predictable. Melbourne records no new COVID-19 cases and the latte-art, chardonnay sipping, leftist elite think it’s cause for celebration. But while you’re out buying your vegan donuts, consider this. How much lower could those case numbers have been today if Melbourne had ended its dangerous experiment with toxic multiculturalism?
If it weren’t for the housing commission towers crowded with non-English speakers from countries that do not share our values, Melbourne’s numbers could have been a third – even half – of what was recorded today.
If it weren’t for people with dark skin arrogantly drawing attention to themselves in Melbourne’s north and western suburbs, today’s numbers would have almost certainly been much, much lower.
It’s no coincidence that in the suburbs where multiculturalism is least prevalent – in Toorak, Canterbury, Brighton and Portsea – there was not a single case recorded. Not one. Nada. But of course those from immigrant backgrounds won’t understand what ‘nada’ means because they don’t speak English. Don’t even try.
And while the people in white suburbs are clearly doing the right thing, patiently waiting until they can be freed to go skiing in Aspen again, they are punished for the actions of those elsewhere. Selfishness writ large.
It’s time to admit that this experiment with multiculturalism has failed. If we don’t, we may well see Melbourne’s case numbers double tomorrow”.


theshovel--2020-10-26--News Corp Folds After Running Out Of Things To Criticise Victoria About

Rupert Murdoch ’ s News Corp will close its doors today , after editors conceded there was literally nothing for them to write about .
“ We were putting together today ’ s issue of our papers and we realised that , without 89 think pieces shitting on Victorians , we really didn ’ t have any content , ” a spokesperson for the organisation said .
“ We tried to write a few pieces about how Melbourne ’ s zero cases is actually a lot worse than it seems .
And Andrew Bolt put together a scathing op-ed on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ zero cases if it wasn ’ t for multiculturalism .
But in the end it all just didn ’ t seem worth it ” .
The spokesperson said that without 280 pages criticising Melbourne , all they were left with was a puff piece about Scott Morrison building a pergola .
“ It was a great piece , but we decided that it would be easier to just print it as part of the Bunnings catalogue , rather than pretending it ’ s actually news ” .
News Corp ’ s printing facilities @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Party flyers , with the company ’ s management promising staff they would hardly notice any change .
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Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp will close its doors today, after editors conceded there was literally nothing for them to write about.
“We were putting together today’s issue of our papers and we realised that, without 89 think pieces shitting on Victorians, we really didn’t have any content,” a spokesperson for the organisation said.
“We tried to write a few pieces about how Melbourne’s zero cases is actually a lot worse than it seems. And Andrew Bolt put together a scathing op-ed on why Victoria would actually have less than zero cases if it wasn’t for multiculturalism. But in the end it all just didn’t seem worth it”.
The spokesperson said that without 280 pages criticising Melbourne, all they were left with was a puff piece about Scott Morrison building a pergola. “It was a great piece, but we decided that it would be easier to just print it as part of the Bunnings catalogue, rather than pretending it’s actually news”.
News Corp’s printing facilities will now be repurposed to print Liberal Party flyers, with the company’s management promising staff they would hardly notice any change.


theshovel--2020-10-26--Peta Credlin Slams Daniel Andrews For Opening Up Melbourne Too Early

A furious Peta Credlin has eviscerated Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews for recklessly opening up Melbourne while COVID-19 still rages through @ @ @ @ @ Sky News , Credlin said Mr Andrews had shown a reckless disregard for human life @ @ @ @ @ third wave of the virus that could ruin businesses and livelihoods .
“ This decision @ @ @ @ @ restaurants and small businesses is irresponsible in the extreme .
Victoria simply isn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m not ready .
How many Victorians must die before Daniel Andrews takes @ @ @ @ @ what on earth am I going to talk about if Melbourne is open ?
” @ @ @ @ @ said that , as someone living in Sydney , she was uniquely placed to comment @ @ @ @ @ .
“ As someone who lives just 850km away , I know better than most @ @ @ @ @ through right now ” .
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A furious Peta Credlin has eviscerated Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews for recklessly opening up Melbourne while COVID-19 still rages through the city.
Speaking on Sky News, Credlin said Mr Andrews had shown a reckless disregard for human life and Melbourne now risked a third wave of the virus that could ruin businesses and livelihoods.
“This decision to throw upon bars, restaurants and small businesses is irresponsible in the extreme. Victoria simply isn’t ready and quite frankly, I’m not ready. How many Victorians must die before Daniel Andrews takes this virus seriously? And what on earth am I going to talk about if Melbourne is open?” she said.
Ms Credlin said that, as someone living in Sydney, she was uniquely placed to comment on the situation in Melbourne. “As someone who lives just 850km away, I know better than most what Melbourne people are going through right now”.


theshovel--2020-10-27--Only 1% Of Americans Think Voter Suppression Is An Issue, Republican-Run Poll Requiring 3 Forms Of I

Only 1% Of Americans Think Voter Suppression Is An Issue, Republican-Run Poll Requiring 3 Forms Of Identification Finds

Voter suppression isn ’ t a concern to the vast majority of Americans , a poll that required three forms of identification and proof of Republican membership has found .
The survey – which was held in the lobby of the Goldman Sachs building between the hours of 12 noon and 1pm last Tuesday , showed that only one in every 100 Americans believe that the Republican party is using techniques to stop Democrats from voting .
“ It simply isn ’ t an issue that voters are concerned about , ” the architect of the poll , who works @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said that the poll represented the views of a broad range of Americans who worked in the financial district building last Tuesday and had received an email from the Republican Party alerting them to the poll .
“ Everyone who had a security pass to the building and could show they were a member of the party had an opportunity to have their voice heard ” .
He rejected claims that some Democrat supporters were put off from voting in the poll by the armed guards wearing NRA caps and T-shirts which read @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ They were merely there to stop voter fraud .
The vast majority of people were not physically abused ” .
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Voter suppression isn’t a concern to the vast majority of Americans, a poll that required three forms of identification and proof of Republican membership has found.
The survey – which was held in the lobby of the Goldman Sachs building between the hours of 12 noon and 1pm last Tuesday, showed that only one in every 100 Americans believe that the Republican party is using techniques to stop Democrats from voting.
“It simply isn’t an issue that voters are concerned about,” the architect of the poll, who works for the Republican Party said.
He said that the poll represented the views of a broad range of Americans who worked in the financial district building last Tuesday and had received an email from the Republican Party alerting them to the poll. “Everyone who had a security pass to the building and could show they were a member of the party had an opportunity to have their voice heard”.
He rejected claims that some Democrat supporters were put off from voting in the poll by the armed guards wearing NRA caps and T-shirts which read ‘We Know Where You Live’. “They were merely there to stop voter fraud. The vast majority of people were not physically abused”.


theshovel--2020-10-28--Toddler Waiting In Line With Parents At Polling Place Now Old Enough To Vote

A toddler who has been waiting in a polling place line with her parents in Georgia is now old enough to vote , it has been revealed .
Chloe Sanderson was just two years old when her parents joined the back of a line at a polling place in Gwinnett County , GA. She is now 18 .
“ I don ’ t have strong memories of when we first joined the line .
But Mom and Dad talk about it a lot and I ’ ve seen the photos , ” she said , as she advanced another spot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to say though , some best years of my life have been in this line .
There have been so many milestones – like when Mom put me down for the first time because her arms were sore ; my first ever kiss – with that boy from eight places back ; the birth of my younger brother ; the birth of my half-sister ” .
She says she hasn ’ t yet decided who to vote for .
“ I need to give it a little more thought .
But there ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ few hundred people still in front of me ” .
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A toddler who has been waiting in a polling place line with her parents in Georgia is now old enough to vote, it has been revealed.
Chloe Sanderson was just two years old when her parents joined the back of a line at a polling place in Gwinnett County, GA. She is now 18.
“I don’t have strong memories of when we first joined the line. But Mom and Dad talk about it a lot and I’ve seen the photos,” she said, as she advanced another spot forward.
“I’ve got to say though, some best years of my life have been in this line. There have been so many milestones – like when Mom put me down for the first time because her arms were sore; my first ever kiss – with that boy from eight places back; the birth of my younger brother; the birth of my half-sister”.
She says she hasn’t yet decided who to vote for. “I need to give it a little more thought. But there’s still time – there are a few hundred people still in front of me”.


theshovel--2020-10-28--US Election: Toddler Who Lined Up At Polling Place With Parents Now Old Enough To Vote


theshovel--2020-11-01--Iraq Sends Independent Observers To Monitor US Election

Iraq has sent thousands of independent observers to the US to help build public confidence in the struggling nation ’ @ @ @ @ @ officials said there were some signs of democracy in the United States , but noted @ @ @ @ @ a long way to go in its goal of running fair and safe elections .
@ @ @ @ @ towards democracy , we want to help out in whatever way we can , ” @ @ @ @ @ He said the nation of 320 million people has a long history of war , @ @ @ @ @ poverty , and that many groups had been excluded from voting for generations .
“ @ @ @ @ @ democracy can struggle in these environments ” .
The observers will not be armed although @ @ @ @ @ of the voters will be .
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Iraq has sent thousands of independent observers to the US to help build public confidence in the struggling nation’s upcoming election.
Iraqi officials said there were some signs of democracy in the United States, but noted that the country still had a long way to go in its goal of running fair and safe elections.
“As America hopefully moves towards democracy, we want to help out in whatever way we can,” an Iraqi spokesperson said.
He said the nation of 320 million people has a long history of war, civil unrest, corruption and poverty, and that many groups had been excluded from voting for generations. “We know from experience that democracy can struggle in these environments”.
The observers will not be armed although it is expected that many of the voters will be.


theshovel--2020-11-03--We Sent A Reporter To The Future To Find Out Who Wins The US Election

It ’ s Trump , sorry .
But it may not be as bad as you think .
Read our American reporter ’ s account of the first year of Trump ’ s second term .
“ Like a lot of people , I was sceptical about a second Trump term .
The total disintegration of the American ideal under Trump ’ s watch had made me start to at least entertain the idea that he might not be the tremendous leader he claims to be .
So when Biden won the popular vote , as well as the Electoral @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ ll admit , I was quietly excited about a new direction for our nation .
But that was before it came to light that the Democrats had rigged the election using a sophisticated mail-in ballot scam masterminded from the basement of a pizza shop in Washington DC .
The New York Times and CNN said it wasn ’ t true .
But from what I saw on Facebook , the evidence was pretty clear .
The outcome of the re-run election was – thankfully for our democracy – much clearer , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for Trump .
No doubt the pesky New York Times would have questioned the veracity of that result too .
If it was still legal for them to operate .
Since then , I ’ ve got to say , life ’ s been pretty good .
The economy is booming apparently , healthcare is widely available for all wealthy people who need it , and since testing was stopped last December , the coronavirus has been completely eradicated .
There ’ s been a real focus on social justice too .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ March have really shone a light on some of the lesser known injustices faced by Trump and his donors .
Who knew just how discriminatory some of those conflict-of-interest laws actually were .
For women , the new law that forbids them from driving was a blow .
But the new uterus register has actually turned out to be much more efficient than anyone imagined .
And while the compulsory Russian classes on Thursday nights can be a drag , as I ’ ve said before – если это стоит делать , то @ @ @ @ @ @ @ some downsides .
My phone doesn ’ t work as well now that all the 5G towers have been removed .
And I ’ ve missed my Muslim friends more than I expected .
But these are minor things .
I ’ m right behind President Trump and our future presidents Eric Trump , Donald Trump Jnr and Baron Trump .
As they say at the compulsory rallies “ Forty more years !
” This article is an excerpt from The 2020 Shovel Annual .
To read the alternative future reality under a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ here .
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It’s Trump, sorry. But it may not be as bad as you think. Read our American reporter’s account of the first year of Trump’s second term.
“Like a lot of people, I was sceptical about a second Trump term. The total disintegration of the American ideal under Trump’s watch had made me start to at least entertain the idea that he might not be the tremendous leader he claims to be. So when Biden won the popular vote, as well as the Electoral College vote at the November election, I’ll admit, I was quietly excited about a new direction for our nation.
But that was before it came to light that the Democrats had rigged the election using a sophisticated mail-in ballot scam masterminded from the basement of a pizza shop in Washington DC. The New York Times and CNN said it wasn’t true. But from what I saw on Facebook, the evidence was pretty clear.
The outcome of the re-run election was – thankfully for our democracy – much clearer, with ninety-seven percent of the nation voting for Trump. No doubt the pesky New York Times would have questioned the veracity of that result too. If it was still legal for them to operate.
Since then, I’ve got to say, life’s been pretty good. The economy is booming apparently, healthcare is widely available for all wealthy people who need it, and since testing was stopped last December, the coronavirus has been completely eradicated.
There’s been a real focus on social justice too. The White Lives Matter protests that started in March have really shone a light on some of the lesser known injustices faced by Trump and his donors. Who knew just how discriminatory some of those conflict-of-interest laws actually were.
For women, the new law that forbids them from driving was a blow. But the new uterus register has actually turned out to be much more efficient than anyone imagined.
And while the compulsory Russian classes on Thursday nights can be a drag, as I’ve said before – если это стоит делать, то стоит делать хорошо.
There have been some downsides. My phone doesn’t work as well now that all the 5G towers have been removed. And I’ve missed my Muslim friends more than I expected. But these are minor things.
I’m right behind President Trump and our future presidents Eric Trump, Donald Trump Jnr and Baron Trump. As they say at the compulsory rallies “Forty more years!”
This article is an excerpt from The 2020 Shovel Annual. To read the alternative future reality under a Joe Biden Presidency, buy a copy here.


theshovel--2020-11-02--Uncertain Melbourne Cup Punter To Just Choose Betting Agency Based On Name, Colours

Admitting he didn ’ t know much about any of the 24 betting agencies lining up for Tuesday ’ s @ @ @ @ @ Hugh Watson said he would probably just pick a name he liked , or maybe @ @ @ @ @ ’ s pretty hard with so many in the race – seems like a lot @ @ @ @ @ so I ’ ll just pick a name I like I reckon , ” Mr @ @ @ @ @ he had narrowed it down to a few options .
“ I quite like the @ @ @ @ @ s got a bit of a ring to it too .
I like UBet ’ @ @ @ @ @ used to play sport , so Sportsbet has a bit of meaning for me .
@ @ @ @ @ a few dollars on each of them ” .
Racing industry expert James Bright said @ @ @ @ @ to win the race .
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Admitting he didn’t know much about any of the 24 betting agencies lining up for Tuesday’s Melbourne Cup, Adelaide man Hugh Watson said he would probably just pick a name he liked, or maybe a colour.
“It’s pretty hard with so many in the race – seems like a lot more than I remember – so I’ll just pick a name I like I reckon,” Mr Watson said.
He said he had narrowed it down to a few options. “I quite like the name Centrebet. Crownbet’s got a bit of a ring to it too. I like UBet’s colours. And I used to play sport, so Sportsbet has a bit of meaning for me. Maybe I’ll put a few dollars on each of them”.
Racing industry expert James Bright said he expected all 24 agencies to win the race.


theshovel--2020-11-05--American Protesters Take To The Streets To Demand Less Democracy

Thousands of Americans have taken to the streets calling for an end to the oppressive democracy which they have endured for generations .
Chanting ‘ Stop the vote !
Stop the vote !
’ protesters swarmed on polling places in Michigan , Arizona and Pennsylvania calling for restricted elections and less transparency in the way its government operates .
Protester Jason Olsen said enough was enough .
“ We ’ ve had free elections for as long as I can remember .
It ’ s time to ensure our voices are no longer heard ” .
Another protester said he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ granted .
“ In places like China they would never have to put up with this kind of thing , ” he said .
At many protests , people chanted : “ What do we want ?
Less democracy !
When do we want it ?
As soon as you ’ ll enforce it on us !
” Jamie Tamlinson from Pittsburg said it was his right to be able to take to the streets , although he hoped that right didn ’ t last for much longer .
“ It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at all .
We will continue to protest until we are no longer allowed to protest.
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Thousands of Americans have taken to the streets calling for an end to the oppressive democracy which they have endured for generations.
Chanting ‘Stop the vote! Stop the vote!’ protesters swarmed on polling places in Michigan, Arizona and Pennsylvania calling for restricted elections and less transparency in the way its government operates.
Protester Jason Olsen said enough was enough. “We’ve had free elections for as long as I can remember. It’s time to ensure our voices are no longer heard”.
Another protester said he just wanted what other countries took for granted. “In places like China they would never have to put up with this kind of thing,” he said.
At many protests, people chanted: “What do we want? Less democracy! When do we want it? As soon as you’ll enforce it on us!”
Jamie Tamlinson from Pittsburg said it was his right to be able to take to the streets, although he hoped that right didn’t last for much longer. “It’s appalling that we can even come here at all. We will continue to protest until we are no longer allowed to protest.”
First published in November 2020


theshovel--2020-11-05--“It’s Best Of Three!” Hysterical Donald Trump Tells Biden

A distraught Donald Trump has rung Joe Biden to tell him it ’ s definitely best of three and he ’ s not leaving the White House until they have two more elections .
“ You said best of three .
You did !
That ’ s how it ’ s always played .
It ’ s not fair !
You ’ re cheating !
You ’ re a cheat !
” Trump said , becoming increasing agitated .
Donald held back tears as he shouted into the phone .
“ This is so not fair at all .
You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know you did .
And now that you ’ ve won the first one you ’ re changing the rules .
That ’ s not fair .
You ’ re a cheater , I hate you ” .
Donald told Joe he would tell Rudy Giuliani if he didn ’ t agree to the rules .
“ I ’ m going to ring him now .
He knows the rules ” .
At publication time Mr Trump was sitting in the doorway of the Oval Office , saying he was not coming out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

A distraught Donald Trump has rung Joe Biden to tell him it’s definitely best of three and he’s not leaving the White House until they have two more elections.
“You said best of three. You did! That’s how it’s always played. It’s not fair! You’re cheating! You’re a cheat!” Trump said, becoming increasing agitated.
Donald held back tears as he shouted into the phone. “This is so not fair at all. You definitely said best of three. You know you did. And now that you’ve won the first one you’re changing the rules. That’s not fair. You’re a cheater, I hate you”.
Donald told Joe he would tell Rudy Giuliani if he didn’t agree to the rules. “I’m going to ring him now. He knows the rules”.
At publication time Mr Trump was sitting in the doorway of the Oval Office, saying he was not coming out.


theshovel--2020-11-04--Donald Trump’s Election Response Starting To Look More And More Like The Actions Of Donald Trump

Donald Trump ’ s move to call into question the legitimacy of the election result has shades of Donald Trump @ @ @ @ @ .
“ This reminds me a lot of what happened in America during the years @ @ @ @ @ said .
“ The way he ’ s trying to subvert the truth , the @ @ @ @ @ disregarding traditional conventions of democracy .
This , in many ways , is starting to @ @ @ @ @ a Donald Trump-style figure ” .
Another historian said he had studied the techniques used @ @ @ @ @ leaders .
“ Clearly the leader he most resembles is Donald Trump ” .
Ordinary @ @ @ @ @ like they ’ re living in a country run by Donald Trump .
“ The @ @ @ @ @ threat of violence , the petulance , the unwillingness to accept defeat .
I know @ @ @ @ @ felt like for Americans living under Trump ” .
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Donald Trump’s move to call into question the legitimacy of the election result has shades of Donald Trump, experts have pointed out.
“This reminds me a lot of what happened in America during the years 2016-2020,” one historian said.
“The way he’s trying to subvert the truth, the way he’s totally disregarding traditional conventions of democracy. This, in many ways, is starting to look like the actions of a Donald Trump-style figure”.
Another historian said he had studied the techniques used by hundreds of different authoritarian leaders. “Clearly the leader he most resembles is Donald Trump”.
Ordinary Americans also say they feel like they’re living in a country run by Donald Trump. “The claims of fraud, the threat of violence, the petulance, the unwillingness to accept defeat. I know what it must’ve felt like for Americans living under Trump”.


theshovel--2020-11-04--119% Of Polls Predicted US Election Would Be This Close, New Poll Finds

Around twelve out of every ten polling professionals say the US election is playing out exactly as they expected , @ @ @ @ @ .
The nation-wide poll , which contacted a random sample of the country ’ s @ @ @ @ @ that 119 % predicted a close election , with a further 181 % undecided .
@ @ @ @ @ 180 % of Americans still have faith in polls to predict election outcomes .
A @ @ @ @ @ % of pollsters will be out of a job by next week .
That poll @ @ @ @ @ of error .
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Around twelve out of every ten polling professionals say the US election is playing out exactly as they expected, a new poll has found.
The nation-wide poll, which contacted a random sample of the country’s pollsters by fax, found that 119% predicted a close election, with a further 181% undecided.
A separate poll found that 180% of Americans still have faith in polls to predict election outcomes.
A further poll found that 116% of pollsters will be out of a job by next week. That poll had a 16% margin of error.


theshovel--2020-11-04--A Carefully-Worded Statement About Today’s Election

“ Fuckety fucking fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck , not this absolute shitshow of a president again , ” the @ @ @ @ @ statement today .
Still trying to come to terms with the fact that a supposedly @ @ @ @ @ pseudo-fascist , egotistical , infantile arseclown , the world said it would close its eyes @ @ @ @ @ and hope that this whole thing was just some kind of sick joke gone wrong @ @ @ @ @ leading economists and health professionals expressed concern at the turn of events , releasing a @ @ @ @ @ economic and health outlook is ‘ literally fucked ’ .
Foreign policy specialists were more @ @ @ @ @ was ‘ on the balance of probabilities , totally fucking fucked ’ .
More to @ @ @ @ @ .
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“Fuckety fucking fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck, not this absolute shitshow of a president again,” the world said in a carefully-worded statement today.
Still trying to come to terms with the fact that a supposedly advanced nation had re-elected a pseudo-fascist, egotistical, infantile arseclown, the world said it would close its eyes, slowly count to ten and hope that this whole thing was just some kind of sick joke gone wrong.
The world’s leading economists and health professionals expressed concern at the turn of events, releasing a statement that said the global economic and health outlook is ‘literally fucked’.
Foreign policy specialists were more optimistic, saying the future was ‘on the balance of probabilities, totally fucking fucked’.
More to come.


theshovel--2020-11-03--Trump Says There Would Be Less Voter Fraud If America Got Rid Of Elections

Donald Trump says voter fraud is a ‘ stain on democracy ’ that can only be fixed by eradicating elections @ @ @ @ @ to have a thriving democracy – a democracy where there isn ’ t a risk @ @ @ @ @ the obvious thing to do is to get rid of elections , ” Trump said @ @ @ @ @ remove the temptation .
If you want to quit smoking you take away the cigarettes @ @ @ @ @ stop voter fraud you take away voting .
It ’ s really quite simple ” @ @ @ @ @ be willing to act as an interim president until an alternative system was developed .
@ @ @ @ @ follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Donald Trump says voter fraud is a ‘stain on democracy’ that can only be fixed by eradicating elections.
“If we want to have a thriving democracy – a democracy where there isn’t a risk of voter fraud – then the obvious thing to do is to get rid of elections,” Trump said.
“You have to remove the temptation. If you want to quit smoking you take away the cigarettes. If you want to stop voter fraud you take away voting. It’s really quite simple”.
Trump said he would be willing to act as an interim president until an alternative system was developed.


theshovel--2020-10-19--Constitutional Experts Reassure Voters That Corporations Will Continue To Run America In Event Of Ca

Constitutional Experts Reassure Voters That Corporations Will Continue To Run America In Event Of Candidate Dying

With concerns about the health and age of both Presidential candidates , constitutional experts have reassured voters that the nation ’ s largest corporations will continue to run the country , even in the event of an unexpected health scare .
Governance and constitutional expert Daniel Thurgood said there were unique safeguards built into the US system to ensure the uninterrupted maintenance of power , regardless of what happens to an individual president or candidate .
“ One of the great things about our system is that , even in a disaster scenario , the responsibility bestowed in our nation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the country is preserved .
“ It means that – even if Donald Trump or Joe Biden was to become incapacitated or , God forbid , die – there would be a small number of powerful businessmen who would continue to set tax rates , healthcare policy and defence spending in a steady , constant fashion .
Nothing would change ” .
He said it was important to avoid uncertainty .
“ Leaders change ; parties change .
But we ’ re very lucky to have a system that – at its @ @ @ @ @ @ @ group of people , regardless of who is in power ” .
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With concerns about the health and age of both Presidential candidates, constitutional experts have reassured voters that the nation’s largest corporations will continue to run the country, even in the event of an unexpected health scare.
Governance and constitutional expert Daniel Thurgood said there were unique safeguards built into the US system to ensure the uninterrupted maintenance of power, regardless of what happens to an individual president or candidate.
“One of the great things about our system is that, even in a disaster scenario, the responsibility bestowed in our nation’s billionaires to determine the direction of the country is preserved.
“It means that – even if Donald Trump or Joe Biden was to become incapacitated or, God forbid, die – there would be a small number of powerful businessmen who would continue to set tax rates, healthcare policy and defence spending in a steady, constant fashion. Nothing would change”.
He said it was important to avoid uncertainty. “Leaders change; parties change. But we’re very lucky to have a system that – at its core – is run by the same group of people, regardless of who is in power”.


theshovel--2020-11-05--Trump Would Win Easily If Only Republican Votes Counted, New Chart Shows

A new analysis by some guy on Twitter has found that Donald Trump would have been re-elected with an overwhelming majority if none of the votes for Joe Biden had been counted .
Using the hashtag # STOPTHECOUNT , the man said there was definitely something fishy going on .
“ Don ’ t you think it ’ s a little bit strange that as soon as you start including Democrat votes the election becomes close .
But yet when you only include Republican votes it ’ s a Donald Trump landslide ?
That ’ s the story you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ You see the same thing over and over again in every state and every county .
If you include only the legitimate votes – the ones from Republican voters – Trump wins easily .
But yet what we ’ re being shown on CNN and the New York Times is different .
This is voter fraud , clear and simple ” .
He said he had factored in the different voting patterns of Democrats v Republican voters .
“ Even when you include and then discount mail-in votes from Democrat voters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ victory for Trump ” .
He said the evidence was irrefutable .
“ You can see it right there in my chart .
The facts that I make up don ’ t lie ” .
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A new analysis by some guy on Twitter has found that Donald Trump would have been re-elected with an overwhelming majority if none of the votes for Joe Biden had been counted.
Using the hashtag #STOPTHECOUNT, the man said there was definitely something fishy going on. “Don’t you think it’s a little bit strange that as soon as you start including Democrat votes the election becomes close. But yet when you only include Republican votes it’s a Donald Trump landslide? That’s the story you’re not hearing from the mainstream media.
“You see the same thing over and over again in every state and every county. If you include only the legitimate votes – the ones from Republican voters – Trump wins easily. But yet what we’re being shown on CNN and the New York Times is different. This is voter fraud, clear and simple”.
He said he had factored in the different voting patterns of Democrats v Republican voters. “Even when you include and then discount mail-in votes from Democrat voters – it’s still a clear victory for Trump”.
He said the evidence was irrefutable. “You can see it right there in my chart. The facts that I make up don’t lie”.


theshovel--2020-11-06--Claims Of Fraud At Australian Election After Man Tricked Into Buying Vegan Sausage

Following accusations of fraud at the US Presidential race , similar explosive claims have been made about the 2018 Australian election , with one man saying he received a sausage made from wheat gluten when he clearly asked for meat .
“ My order was tampered with , ” Johnno Robinson , a voter from Redfern said .
“ I asked for pork , I got jackfruit .
Clearly it was switched out at the last minute .
This is not how elections are supposed to work in Australia .
It ’ s all a bit sus ” .
Casey @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her sausage order interfered with , said she was appalled that this could happen in Australia .
“ It left a very bad taste in my mouth .
Actually it left the taste of textured vegetable protein in my mouth .
Fucking disgusting ” .
Analysts say thousands of Australians may have had their democracy sausage swapped out , either intentionally or due to poor processes .
“ I ’ ve heard hundreds of stories from people who say they went to the polling booth with the clear intention of eating a meat @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ve been served crushed walnuts in a buckwheat casing .
In some cases they ’ ve then been asked to hand over $ 7.50 .
That ’ s fraud , ” a spokesperson from Democracy In Action , a voter rights group , said .
“ It ’ s pretty terrible , ” Johno Robinson said .
“ If it happens next time I ’ ll probably start a riot .
Not literally – that ’ s just a turn of phrase .
Rioting would be ridiculous ” .
The AEC is currently @ @ @ @ @ @ @ follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Following accusations of fraud at the US Presidential race, similar explosive claims have been made about the 2018 Australian election, with one man saying he received a sausage made from wheat gluten when he clearly asked for meat.
“My order was tampered with,” Johnno Robinson, a voter from Redfern said. “I asked for pork, I got jackfruit. Clearly it was switched out at the last minute. This is not how elections are supposed to work in Australia. It’s all a bit sus”.
Casey Bellingthwait from Perth, who also had her sausage order interfered with, said she was appalled that this could happen in Australia. “It left a very bad taste in my mouth. Actually it left the taste of textured vegetable protein in my mouth. Fucking disgusting”.
Analysts say thousands of Australians may have had their democracy sausage swapped out, either intentionally or due to poor processes.
“I’ve heard hundreds of stories from people who say they went to the polling booth with the clear intention of eating a meat sausage, only to find they’ve been served crushed walnuts in a buckwheat casing. In some cases they’ve then been asked to hand over $7.50. That’s fraud,” a spokesperson from Democracy In Action, a voter rights group, said.
“It’s pretty terrible,” Johno Robinson said. “If it happens next time I’ll probably start a riot. Not literally – that’s just a turn of phrase. Rioting would be ridiculous”.
The AEC is currently investigating.
________
By Jessie Thompson


theshovel--2020-11-07--Scott Morrison Too Busy To Congratulate Joe Biden On Election Win

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison says he will get on the buzzer with Joe Biden just as soon as he ’ s finished building a new deck for his chickens in the back yard .
Reminding journalists that you can get a great deal on all your timber and hardware needs from Bunnings , Mr Morrison said he had to tend to some urgent tasks before getting to the issue of global political relations .
“ The girls want a new table and chairs for their cubby , and then the chickens want me to build an extension on their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fair bit going on mate ” .
He said he couldn ’ t do everything .
“ I don ’ t hold a phone mate .
Not when I ’ ve got a compound mitre saw in one hand and a nail gun in the other ” The Prime Minister said he did have one important message he wanted to pass on to the President-elect .
“ If you find a better price , Bunnings will beat it by ten percent ” .
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Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison says he will get on the buzzer with Joe Biden just as soon as he’s finished building a new deck for his chickens in the back yard.
Reminding journalists that you can get a great deal on all your timber and hardware needs from Bunnings, Mr Morrison said he had to tend to some urgent tasks before getting to the issue of global political relations. “The girls want a new table and chairs for their cubby, and then the chickens want me to build an extension on their coop. So there’s a fair bit going on mate”.
He said he couldn’t do everything. “I don’t hold a phone mate. Not when I’ve got a compound mitre saw in one hand and a nail gun in the other”
The Prime Minister said he did have one important message he wanted to pass on to the President-elect. “If you find a better price, Bunnings will beat it by ten percent”.


theshovel--2020-11-07--Biden Calls George Bush To Congratulate Him On A Well-Run Campaign

President-elect Joe Biden has put in a call to George W Bush , offering his commiserations , and congratulating him on a well-run campaign .
Ever the gentleman , Biden said he respected Mr Bush for a hard-fought campaign .
“ I just wan na say that it was a tough battle , it was a tough election campaign , and – although I didn ’ t see you all that much on the campaign trail , which was strange now that I come to think about it – I just want to say that you did a good job @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Biden frantically mouthed the words ‘ Donald Trump ’ to her husband .
“ Did you campaign much ?
I didn ’ t see you much out there .
Maybe that ’ s something you should look into for next time , ” Biden continued before Bush interrupted .
“ Joe I ’ m going to stop you there .
I ’ m going to get you Donald Trump ’ s number , so you can call him in person .
But you have a great day.
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President-elect Joe Biden has put in a call to George W Bush, offering his commiserations, and congratulating him on a well-run campaign.
Ever the gentleman, Biden said he respected Mr Bush for a hard-fought campaign. “I just wanna say that it was a tough battle, it was a tough election campaign, and – although I didn’t see you all that much on the campaign trail, which was strange now that I come to think about it – I just want to say that you did a good job,” Biden told Bush while Jill Biden frantically mouthed the words ‘Donald Trump’ to her husband.
“Did you campaign much? I didn’t see you much out there. Maybe that’s something you should look into for next time,” Biden continued before Bush interrupted.
“Joe I’m going to stop you there. I’m going to get you Donald Trump’s number, so you can call him in person. But you have a great day.”


theshovel--2020-11-07--Biden Becomes First Adult To Win Presidency Since 2012

In an historic moment for the US , Joe Biden was today confirmed as the first grown-up to win the @ @ @ @ @ 2012 .
The incumbent – a 74 year-old little boy from New York – has @ @ @ @ @ .
Government officials say they are looking forward to the changes the new presidency will @ @ @ @ @ able to go back to using words rather than pictures in briefing documents .
“ @ @ @ @ @ .
Trying to convey the complexities of America ’ s geopolitical relationships by drawing stick @ @ @ @ @ bucket has been a challenge .
It will be nice to be able to use @ @ @ @ @ one official said .
The outgoing President released an official statement earlier today which read @ @ @ @ @ wan na go !
” At publication time he had locked himself in his bedroom @ @ @ @ @ out .
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In an historic moment for the US, Joe Biden was today confirmed as the first grown-up to win the presidency since Barack Obama in 2012. The incumbent – a 74 year-old little boy from New York – has held the position since 2016.
Government officials say they are looking forward to the changes the new presidency will bring, in particular being able to go back to using words rather than pictures in briefing documents.
“It’s a relief. Trying to convey the complexities of America’s geopolitical relationships by drawing stick figures on an empty KFC bucket has been a challenge. It will be nice to be able to use full sentences again,” one official said.
The outgoing President released an official statement earlier today which read, “Don’t wanna go!”
At publication time he had locked himself in his bedroom and was refusing to come out.


Off You Fuck

Time ’ s up dickhead .
See you later mate .
Sorry to hear about your little loss .
What ’ s that ?
Can ’ t hear you over the all the tears .
You don .. You don .. You don … You don ’ t want to leave yet ?
Oh sweetheart .
It ’ s time to go .
Come on , pack up your things and start fucking off .
That ’ s it .
All the way off .
Might want to tuck your nappy in there champ , it ’ s poking out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you got a friend who can come and pick you up ?
Oh really ?
No friends .
None at all ?
What a shame .
Perhaps you ’ ll make some new ones in prison .
Sorry , say again ?
You won ?
Oh but that ’ s the thing mate , you didn ’ t win .
It ’ s over .
Just the one term , which is rare .
Yep , $ 400 million is a lot to have owing .
I ’ m sure they ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s that ?
You need to shit your pants ?
Think you shat them a long time ago mate .
Off you go you fucking weirdo .
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Time’s up dickhead. See you later mate.
Sorry to hear about your little loss.
What’s that? Can’t hear you over all of the tears.
You don .. You don .. You don … You don’t want to leave yet? Oh sweetheart. It’s time to go. Come on, pack up your things and start fucking off. That’s it. All the way off.
Might want to tuck your nappy in there champ, it’s poking out. That’s better.
Have you got a friend who can come and pick you up? Oh really? No friends. None at all? What a shame.
Sorry, say again? You won? Oh but that’s the thing mate, you didn’t win. It’s over. Just the one term, which is rare.
Yep, $400 million is a lot to have owing. I’m sure they’ll be nice to you.
What’s that? You need to shit your pants? Think you shat them a long time ago mate.
Off you go you fucking weirdo.


theshovel--2020-11-08--World Breathes Sigh Of Relief After Only 48% Of Americans Vote For Corrupt, Racist Sociopath

The world breathed a collective sigh of relief today , after learning that only 71 million Americans voted to see @ @ @ @ @ supremacist presidency .
“ Things got a little crazy there for a while – what @ @ @ @ @ wanted to assault women , ignore democratic elections , disregard science , support extreme right @ @ @ @ @ .
But it ’ s good to know that only 71 million or so Americans @ @ @ @ @ , ” a spokesperson said .
She said it was reassuring to see that 52 @ @ @ @ @ fascism .
“ There are always going to be pockets of people who are drawn @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s comforting to know that , in America at least , it ’ @ @ @ @ @ every two people who want to be led by a crime family ” .
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The world breathed a collective sigh of relief today, after learning that only 71 million Americans voted to see the continuation of a white supremacist presidency.
“Things got a little crazy there for a while – what with the president saying he wanted to assault women, ignore democratic elections, disregard science, support extreme right groups and downplay 220,000 deaths. But it’s good to know that only 71 million or so Americans support that kind of thing,” a spokesperson said.
She said it was reassuring to see that 52% of the country rejected fascism. “There are always going to be pockets of people who are drawn to narcissistic authoritarianism. But it’s comforting to know that, in America at least, it’s only around one in every two people who want to be led by a crime family”.


theshovel--2020-11-09--Scott Morrison’s Ten Tips For Avoiding Awkward Questions From Your Family This Christmas

Don ’ t want to tell your Mum why you haven ’ t got a boyfriend yet ?
Sick of @ @ @ @ @ ’ re going to get a real job ?
Prefer not to delve into ‘ @ @ @ @ @ up to ’ this year ?
Learn the very best ways to avoid answering unwanted @ @ @ @ @ , with our brand new Christmas card .
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Don’t want to tell your Mum why you haven’t got a boyfriend yet? Sick of answering questions about when you’re going to get a real job? Prefer not to delve into ‘what you’ve been up to’ this year?
Learn the very best ways to avoid answering unwanted questions from the master himself, with our brand new Christmas card.


theshovel--2020-11-09--Liberal Ministers Reaffirm Position That Marriage Is A Sacred Union Between A Woman, A Man And His B

Liberal Ministers Reaffirm Position That Marriage Is A Sacred Union Between A Woman, A Man And His Bit On The Side

Government Ministers Alan Tudge and Christian Porter have come out swinging following last night ’ s Four Corner ’ s investigation , saying they ’ ve always believed in the traditional definition of marriage , which is between a man and woman and another woman .
Mr Tudge , who campaigned strongly against same-sex marriage laws in 2017 , said the whole notion of marriage was about providing a loving bond for the benefit of children .
“ My view is that marriage is an institution that traditionally has been about creating a bond for the creation , love and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about giving a child a biological mother and a biological father .
And a step mother and a half sister , ” Mr Tudge said .
Mr Porter said he was a man of family values .
“ I have my traditional family in Perth and my fun family in Canberra .
It ’ s all about families for me , ” he said .
“ It ’ s not my role to tell other people how to live their lives , but that ’ s what I do anyway ” .
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Government Ministers Alan Tudge and Christian Porter have come out swinging following last night’s Four Corner’s investigation, saying they’ve always believed in the traditional definition of marriage, which is between a man and woman and another woman.
Mr Tudge, who campaigned strongly against same-sex marriage laws in 2017, said the whole notion of marriage was about providing a loving bond for the benefit of children.
“My view is that marriage is an institution that traditionally has been about creating a bond for the creation, love and care of children. A marriage is about giving a child a biological mother and a biological father. And a step mother and a half sister,” Mr Tudge said.
Mr Porter said he was a man of family values. “I have my traditional family in Perth and my fun family in Canberra. It’s all about families for me,” he said.
“It’s not my role to tell other people how to live their lives, but that’s what I do anyway”.


theshovel--2020-11-10--“We’ve Uncovered A Sophisticated Plan To Rig The Election” Say People Who Accidentally Booked A Pres

“We’ve Uncovered A Sophisticated Plan To Rig The Election” Say People Who Accidentally Booked A Press Conference At A Landscaping Company

The team of people who booked a Presidential press conference in the carpark of Four Seasons Total Landscaping instead of the Four Seasons International Hotel , say they have uncovered a complex scheme of vote tampering and fraud .
“ You have to believe us when we tell you that we ’ ve exposed one of the greatest frauds in American history , ” the people told the media while standing outside of a run-down warehouse next to a sex shop .
Pausing to allow a dump truck to drive through the industrial estate , which is situated opposite a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said that it took a keen eye and an attention to detail to spot what was going on with votes right now .
“ Not everyone can see it .
But if you cross your i ’ s and dot your t ’ s like we do then it ’ s as clear as day , ” he said , moving aside to allow a landscape contractor past to pick up supplies .
He said further details of the fraud would be revealed at tomorrow ’ s press conference , to be held @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Support The Shovel .
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The team of people who booked a Presidential press conference in the carpark of Four Seasons Total Landscaping instead of the Four Seasons International Hotel, say they have uncovered a complex scheme of vote tampering and fraud.
“You have to believe us when we tell you that we’ve exposed one of the greatest frauds in American history,” the people told the media while standing outside of a run-down warehouse next to a sex shop.
Pausing to allow a dump truck to drive through the industrial estate, which is situated opposite a crematorium, a spokesperson for the group said that it took a keen eye and an attention to detail to spot what was going on with votes right now. “Not everyone can see it. But if you cross your i’s and dot your t’s like we do then it’s as clear as day,” he said, moving aside to allow a landscape contractor past to pick up supplies.
He said further details of the fraud would be revealed at tomorrow’s press conference, to be held at Sheraton Concrete Cutting & Demolition.


theshovel--2020-11-10--“Let Me Tell You What Mansplaining Actually Means …” Scott Morrison Tells Journalist

Scott Morrison has denied accusations he mansplained an answer about what it ’ s like to be a woman in @ @ @ @ @ journalist that perhaps she doesn ’ t know what mansplaining actually means , but that @ @ @ @ @ clarify it for her .
The journalist began by saying , “ Prime Minister , @ @ @ @ @ of mansplaining , which is defined as … ” before Mr Morrison interjected .
“ @ @ @ @ @ what mansplaining means .
It ’ s to explain something to someone – typically a @ @ @ @ @ in a manner that ’ s deemed as condescending or patronising .
Does that make @ @ @ @ @ happy to go through it again more slowly if you need ” .
Mr Morrison @ @ @ @ @ questions about what it ’ s like to be a woman in parliament to be @ @ @ @ @ The Shovel .
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Scott Morrison has denied accusations he mansplained an answer about what it’s like to be a woman in parliament, telling a female journalist that perhaps she doesn’t know what mansplaining actually means, but that he would be happy to clarify it for her.
The journalist began by saying, “Prime Minister, some people have accused you of mansplaining, which is defined as …” before Mr Morrison interjected.
“Let’s go through what mansplaining means. It’s to explain something to someone – typically a man to a woman – in a manner that’s deemed as condescending or patronising. Does that make sense? I’m happy to go through it again more slowly if you need”.
Mr Morrison has asked for all future questions about what it’s like to be a woman in parliament to be directed to him.
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theshovel--2020-11-12--Pauline Hanson Demands Borders Reopen So She Can Start Shitting On Immigrants Again

One Nation leader Pauline Hanson has called on Prime Minister Scott Morrison to reopen Australia ’ s borders immediately , saying her political movement could be devastated without a steady flow of immigrants to victimise .
“ A lot of people have lost their jobs or their businesses during COVID-19 .
But I ’ ve lost my entire reason for existence .
It ’ s devastating , ” an emotional Hanson told Channel 7 ’ s sunrise .
“ I ’ ve been left with nothing .
It ’ s not as if I can just rely on my economic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I don ’ t have any .
All I have is immigration , and that ’ s been unfairly stolen from me ” .
She said she literally had no purpose .
“ How can I blame all of Australia ’ s problems on recently arrived Africans when there aren ’ t any recently arrived Africans ?
This is massively unfair.
” Ms Hanson will table a motion in parliament to re-start Australia ’ s immigration program immediately .
“ If there ’ s one thing you can count on One Nation for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ immigrants to be allowed into this country , mark my words ” .
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One Nation leader Pauline Hanson has called on Prime Minister Scott Morrison to reopen Australia’s borders immediately, saying her political movement could be devastated without a steady flow of immigrants to victimise.
“A lot of people have lost their jobs or their businesses during COVID-19. But I’ve lost my entire reason for existence. It’s devastating,” an emotional Hanson told Channel 7’s sunrise.
“I’ve been left with nothing. It’s not as if I can just rely on my economic policies or my health policies, because I don’t have any. All I have is immigration, and that’s been unfairly stolen from me”.
She said she literally had no purpose. “How can I blame all of Australia’s problems on recently arrived Africans when there aren’t any recently arrived Africans? This is massively unfair.”
Ms Hanson will table a motion in parliament to re-start Australia’s immigration program immediately. “If there’s one thing you can count on One Nation for, it’s to fight for immigrants to be allowed into this country, mark my words”.


theshovel--2020-11-15--Tim Smith Offers To Travel To South Australia To Help Undermine Response To COVID Outbreak

As South Australia grapples with a new outbreak of COVID-19 , Victorian Liberal MP Tim Smith has made himself available at short notice to travel to the state to help fuck around with people ’ s lives in whatever way he can .
“ Just let me know what your plan to get on top of this is and I ’ ll relentlessly undermine it , ” Smith said in a Tweet .
The Member for Kew said he could have a publicity stunt and half a dozen attention-seeking radio interviews set up by the afternoon .
“ Just say @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ready with a thousand shithouse takes and exactly zero constructive solutions .
And if you want me to arrange some doughnuts in the shape of a dick , I can do that too ” .
He said it was an open offer to be unhelpful .
“ Right now you ’ ll be focused on drawing everyone ’ s attention towards the task of beating this virus .
But I ’ ve found a more interesting approach is to draw everyone ’ s attention towards me .
It ’ ll do absolutely nothing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but it will it go some way to filling the gaping chasm in my soul .
Call me ” .
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As South Australia grapples with a new outbreak of COVID-19, Victorian Liberal MP Tim Smith has made himself available at short notice to travel to the state to help fuck around with people’s lives in whatever way he can.
“Just let me know what your plan to get on top of this is and I’ll relentlessly undermine it,” Smith said in a Tweet.
The Member for Kew said he could have a publicity stunt and half a dozen attention-seeking radio interviews set up by the afternoon. “Just say the word and I’ll be ready with a thousand shithouse takes and exactly zero constructive solutions. And if you want me to arrange some doughnuts in the shape of a dick, I can do that too”.
He said it was an open offer to be unhelpful. “Right now you’ll be focused on drawing everyone’s attention towards the task of beating this virus. But I’ve found a more interesting approach is to draw everyone’s attention towards me. It’ll do absolutely nothing to get the virus under control, but it will it go some way to filling the gaping chasm in my soul. Call me”.
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theshovel--2020-11-17--Whoops! Federal Court Accidentally Fines Government Wrong Amount For Robodebt Compensation Claim

In what has been described as an ‘ administrative error ’ , the Federal Court has ordered the Government to pay Robodebt victims $ 120 billion , instead of the originally agreed amount of $ 1.2 billion .
The Government will be required to pay the higher amount anyway .
When asked to explain how the figures were calculated , a spokesperson for the victims said it was based on complex maths that they wouldn ’ t understand .
“ We ’ ve used algorithms and big formulas which you don ’ t need to worry about .
Just pay @ @ @ @ @ @ @ paper we sent you and all of this will go away ” .
When pushed further , the spokesperson explained , “ We ’ ve used an income averaging method , which takes an average of the money owed , multiplies it by ten and then adds a zero .
It ’ s 100 % accurate around 8 % of the time ” .
When Government officials pointed out that the amount was incorrect the victims ’ spokesperson said , “ prove it ” .
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In what has been described as an ‘administrative error’, the Federal Court has ordered the Government to pay Robodebt victims $120 billion, instead of the originally agreed amount of $1.2 billion. The Government will be required to pay the higher amount anyway.
When asked to explain how the figures were calculated, a spokesperson for the victims said it was based on complex maths that they wouldn’t understand.
“We’ve used algorithms and big formulas which you don’t need to worry about. Just pay the amount listed on the piece of paper we sent you and all of this will go away”.
When pushed further, the spokesperson explained, “We’ve used an income averaging method, which takes an average of the money owed, multiplies it by ten and then adds a zero. It’s 100% accurate around 8% of the time”.
When Government officials pointed out that the amount was incorrect the victims’ spokesperson said, “prove it”.


theshovel--2020-11-17--The War on 2020 – Live Online Show!

The War on 2020 – Live Online Show!

You may have noticed that a bit ’ s happened this year .
So The Shovel and Chaser.com.au are joining @ @ @ @ @ bring you The War on 2020 Livestream .
It ’ s a live online show @ @ @ @ @ comedy sketches that bring together all the highs and lows ( but let ’ s @ @ @ @ @ ) of 2020 .
There ’ s an all-star line up of Australia ’ s @ @ @ @ @ Humphries ( ABC ’ s 7:30 ) , Charles Firth ( The Chaser ) , @ @ @ @ @ Feed ) , Jenna Owen ( SBS The Feed ) , James Schloeffel ( The @ @ @ @ @ s favourite epidemiologist Peta Credlin .
It ’ s all online , so you can @ @ @ @ @ comfort of your own home or apocalypse bunker .
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You may have noticed that a bit’s happened this year. So The Shovel and Chaser.com.au are joining forces again this year to bring you The War on 2020 Livestream. It’s a live online show presenting a series of hilarious comedy sketches that bring together all the highs and lows (but let’s be honest, mainly lows) of 2020.
There’s an all-star line up of Australia’s best satirical talent including Mark Humphries (ABC’s 7:30), Charles Firth (The Chaser), Victoria Zerbst (SBS The Feed), Jenna Owen (SBS The Feed), James Schloeffel (The Shovel) and Australia’s favourite epidemiologist Peta Credlin.
It’s all online, so you can watch it all from the comfort of your own home or apocalypse bunker.
TWO SHOWS ONLY:
Friday 11th December, 6:30pm
Saturday 12 December, 8:00pm


theshovel--2020-11-19--Locked-Down South Australians Excitedly Await Unsolicited Advice From Victorians

People in Adelaide are devastated to be confined to their homes for the next six days but say the silver lining will be the stream of unsolicited recommendations and anecdotes from friends and family in Melbourne .
“ I won ’ t be able to leave my apartment until next Wednesday , but on the plus side I ’ ll be able to hear about how much harder it was in Melbourne , ” Adelaide resident Joseph Ramsey said .
Henley Beach man Will Furness said he was looking forward to those unexpected little bits of advice on how to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s going to be a pretty hard week , so I ’ m looking forward to hearing about how I ’ m doing it all wrong , ” he said .
Samantha Taylor from North Adelaide said she was hanging out for tips and tricks .
“ I have three children under five , so you can imagine how excited I was to hear about my Melbourne friend ’ s Netflix lockdown recommendations , ” she said .
She said initially she wasn ’ t sure how she was going to manage .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Melbourne sent me eight sourdough recipes and a list of the best takeaway restaurants in Carlton .
So that was helpful ” .
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People in Adelaide are devastated to be confined to their homes for the next six days but say the silver lining will be the stream of unsolicited recommendations and anecdotes from friends and family in Melbourne.
“I won’t be able to leave my apartment until next Wednesday, but on the plus side I’ll be able to hear about how much harder it was in Melbourne,” Adelaide resident Joseph Ramsey said.
Henley Beach man Will Furness said he was looking forward to those unexpected little bits of advice on how to live his life. “It’s going to be a pretty hard week, so I’m looking forward to hearing about how I’m doing it all wrong,” he said.
Samantha Taylor from North Adelaide said she was hanging out for tips and tricks. “I have three children under five, so you can imagine how excited I was to hear about my Melbourne friend’s Netflix lockdown recommendations,” she said.
She said initially she wasn’t sure how she was going to manage. “But then an old friend in Melbourne sent me eight sourdough recipes and a list of the best takeaway restaurants in Carlton. So that was helpful”.


theshovel--2020-11-18--Scott Morrison Praises SA Government, Saying They Made Right Decision To Be Liberal

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has applauded the South Australian government for its response to the recent COVID-19 outbreak , saying their decision to be a Liberal Government during a pandemic was the right one .
“ When you ’ re trying to control an outbreak , the last thing you want is for the Federal government to be constantly undermining you .
So I think this is a really important step they ’ ve taken – very early on – to ensure they ’ re not a Labor government , ” Mr Morrison said from Japan .
“ This decision @ @ @ @ @ @ @ What it means is I ’ ll call it a ‘ circuit breaker ’ or a ‘ freeze ’ rather than a ‘ lockdown ’ .
I ’ ll say things like ‘ No hotel quarantine system is failsafe ’ .
And I ’ ll refer to it as a ‘ global pandemic ’ rather than ‘ the South Australian virus ’ .
It ’ s almost as if I ’ m not really concerned about people ’ s wellbeing at all ” .
He reminded Australians that we ’ re all in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ – South Australia , New South Wales , Tasmania – we ’ re all in this together as Australians.
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Prime Minister Scott Morrison has applauded the South Australian government for its response to the recent COVID-19 outbreak, saying their decision to be a Liberal Government during a pandemic was the right one.
“When you’re trying to control an outbreak, the last thing you want is for the Federal government to be constantly undermining you. So I think this is a really important step they’ve taken – very early on – to ensure they’re not a Labor government,” Mr Morrison said from Japan.
“This decision can have some very real impacts. What it means is I’ll call it a ‘circuit breaker’ or a ‘freeze’ rather than a ‘lockdown’. I’ll say things like ‘No hotel quarantine system is failsafe’. And I’ll refer to it as a ‘global pandemic’ rather than ‘the South Australian virus’. It’s almost as if I’m not really concerned about people’s wellbeing at all”.
He reminded Australians that we’re all in this together. “All of us – South Australia, New South Wales, Tasmania – we’re all in this together as Australians.”


theshovel--2020-11-19--“When Will Daniel Andrews Take Responsibility For Hiring Private Security Guards In South Australia?

“When Will Daniel Andrews Take Responsibility For Hiring Private Security Guards In South Australia?”: By Peta Credlin

Another day , another coronavirus disaster under Daniel Andrews ’ watch .
This week we learnt that a private security guard , working at a medi-hotel as well as a pizza bar , helped accelerate a new outbreak of COVID-19 in South Australia .
As premier of Victoria , Daniel Andrews must take responsibility .
Has he learnt nothing ?
He has had months to prepare for this .
But once again he has looked for quick solutions , reverting to the only technique he knows – confining people to their homes .
Once again , he has ignored the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Well here ’ s some free advice .
Leave .
Just leave .
Your time in South Australia is up .
In choosing to outsource the state ’ s quarantine security to a private firm , you have outsourced your responsibility to the people of South Australia .
Let ’ s call this for what it is .
Another failure from a man who clearly isn ’ t putting South Australia first .
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Another day, another coronavirus disaster under Daniel Andrews’ watch. This week we learnt that a private security guard, working at a medi-hotel as well as a pizza bar, helped accelerate a new outbreak of COVID-19 in South Australia. As premier of Victoria, Daniel Andrews must take responsibility.
Has he learnt nothing? He has had months to prepare for this. But once again he has looked for quick solutions, reverting to the only technique he knows – confining people to their homes. Once again, he has ignored the expert opinion of Sky News presenters.
Well here’s some free advice. Leave. Just leave. Your time in South Australia is up.
In choosing to outsource the state’s quarantine security to a private firm, you have outsourced your responsibility to the people of South Australia.
Let’s call this for what it is. Another failure from a man who clearly isn’t putting South Australia first.
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theshovel--2020-11-22--Morrison Forced To Self-Isolate With Just His Closest Photographers And Image Consultants

After returning this week from an essential visit to Japan , Prime Minister Scott Morrison will need to spend fourteen days isolating with only a personal photographer , PR adviser , image consultant , makeup artist , four social media managers and empathy coach there with him .
A spokesperson for Mr Morrison said the Prime Minister was required to follow quarantine rules like every other Australian .
“ Like so many other Australians returning from overseas this year , Mr Morrison will be confined to a forty-room mansion with a team of public relations experts ” .
She said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Ministerial work while locked-down .
“ He has up to eight photo opportunities scheduled for each day , often back-to-back .
Running the country doesn ’ t stop just because you ’ re in quarantine .
“ Today , for example , he has a shoot pretending to answer emails in his boxer shorts , and then later he ’ ll be building a cubby house for his social media team while wearing a XXXX t-shirt and a Rip Curl baseball cap .
Creating relatable content can take a lot longer than you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ experts will not be allowed into the Lodge with Mr Morrison .
“ Unfortunately we can only allow essential staff in there with him , ” the spokesperson said .
She confirmed that Mr Morrison does have contact with loved ones from the outside world .
“ He ’ s been on the phone most mornings to his favourite News Corp editors and journalists .
Just to make sure everything is looking ok ” .
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After returning this week from an essential visit to Japan, Prime Minister Scott Morrison will need to spend fourteen days isolating with only a personal photographer, PR adviser, image consultant, makeup artist, four social media managers and empathy coach there with him.
A spokesperson for Mr Morrison said the Prime Minister was required to follow quarantine rules like every other Australian. “Like so many other Australians returning from overseas this year, Mr Morrison will be confined to a forty-room mansion with a team of public relations experts”.
She said he will continue to do important Prime Ministerial work while locked-down. “He has up to eight photo opportunities scheduled for each day, often back-to-back. Running the country doesn’t stop just because you’re in quarantine.
“Today, for example, he has a shoot pretending to answer emails in his boxer shorts, and then later he’ll be building a cubby house for his social media team while wearing a XXXX t-shirt and a Rip Curl baseball cap. Creating relatable content can take a lot longer than you think”.
Policy advisors and other experts will not be allowed into the Lodge with Mr Morrison. “Unfortunately we can only allow essential staff in there with him,” the spokesperson said.
She confirmed that Mr Morrison does have contact with loved ones from the outside world. “He’s been on the phone most mornings to his favourite News Corp editors and journalists. Just to make sure everything is looking ok”.
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