theshovel--2020-03-08--Hawaii Has Recorded Its First Case Of Coronavirus And Scott Morrison’s Plans For Next Week Are Now T

Hawaii Has Recorded Its First Case Of Coronavirus And Scott Morrison’s Plans For Next Week Are Now Totally Fucked

Scott Morrison ’ s plans to piss off to Hawaii next week are in disarray , after the US state recorded its first case of coronavirus .
Mr Morrison – who traditionally flees Australia during national emergencies – had planned to take his family on holiday to Hawaii , due to the worsening prospects of coronavirus in Australia .
But those plans are now up in the air .
“ It ’ s terribly inconvenient , and quite disrespectful of the person in question to contract coronavirus , ” a spokesperson from the PM ’ s office said .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Prime Minister is going to do next week now .
This is quickly turning into a national emergency – we can ’ t have him in Australia .
We ’ re searching for alternative locations as we speak ” .
The spokesperson said she wanted to make it clear that this wasn ’ t a spur-of-the-moment trip and that Mr Morrison had been planning the getaway for some time .
“ As soon as it was clear back in January that this was likely to turn into an epidemic , Mr Morrison immediately @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Resort And Spa ” .
With the virus now present in around 80 nations , the PM ’ s office said they were optimistic that Mr Morrison could find another country for a ‘ holiday escape ’ .
“ That ’ s still over 100 countries to choose from .
We ’ ll find something ” .
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Scott Morrison’s plans to piss off to Hawaii next week are in disarray, after the US state recorded its first case of coronavirus.
Mr Morrison – who traditionally flees Australia during national emergencies – had planned to take his family on holiday to Hawaii, due to the worsening prospects of coronavirus in Australia. But those plans are now up in the air.
“It’s terribly inconvenient, and quite disrespectful of the person in question to contract coronavirus,” a spokesperson from the PM’s office said. “I’m not sure what the Prime Minister is going to do next week now. This is quickly turning into a national emergency – we can’t have him in Australia. We’re searching for alternative locations as we speak”.
The spokesperson said she wanted to make it clear that this wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment trip and that Mr Morrison had been planning the getaway for some time. “As soon as it was clear back in January that this was likely to turn into an epidemic, Mr Morrison immediately booked a double room at Waikiki Sunset Resort And Spa”.
With the virus now present in around 80 nations, the PM’s office said they were optimistic that Mr Morrison could find another country for a ‘holiday escape’. “That’s still over 100 countries to choose from. We’ll find something”.
With Ben Schultz


theshovel--2020-03-09--People Are Panic-Buying Shovel Memberships And If You Don’t Buy One Now You Might Miss Out!

You ’ ve probably heard by now that there ’ s been a huge rush on Shovel memberships over the last few days , so if you haven ’ t bought one ( or several hundred ) yourself yet , you should seriously consider it before they totally sell out across the country .
Another one sold just then .
The memberships start at just $ 3 a month and include amazing goodies like a Tony Abbott Memorial sticker , discounts to live shows , signed copies of the Shovel Annual , a Go from Scott Morrison and a ‘ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Body Language ’ fridge magnet .
The last one can double as toilet paper too – so that alone is worth a year ’ s membership fees .
There goes another one .
Hoards of people – including a lot of people that you know – have been filling their online shopping carts with memberships .
Do they know something you don ’ t ?
Four more gone .
Some people have even been stockpiling memberships for their friends and family .
Yesterday two people got into a physical fight over a membership @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there instead of grabbing the last one .
Don ’ t you feel a sense of mild panic that you haven ’ t got one ?
You should .
Seriously , what are you waiting for ?
What if you get hit by coronavirus and you have to self-isolate for two weeks and you can ’ t read The Shovel because you ’ re too guilty for not making a financial contribution .
You might be forced to read lesser satirical substitutes like The Daily Telegraph .
Quick !
Don ’ t be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Immediately follow what everyone else is doing and buy one now !
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Hello Shovel reader,
You’ve probably heard by now that there’s been a huge rush on Shovel memberships over the last few days, so if you haven’t bought one (or several hundred) yourself yet, you should seriously consider it before they totally sell out across the country.
Another one sold just then.
The memberships start at just $3 a month and include amazing goodies like a Tony Abbott Memorial sticker, discounts to live shows, signed copies of the Shovel Annual, a Go from Scott Morrison and a ‘How To Read Peter Dutton’s Body Language’ fridge magnet. The last one can double as toilet paper too – so that alone is worth a year’s membership fees.
There goes another one.
Hordes of people – including a lot of people that you know – have been filling their online shopping carts with memberships. Do they know something you don’t?
Four more gone.
Some people have even been stockpiling memberships for their friends and family. Yesterday two people got into a physical fight over a membership. And here you are just sitting there instead of grabbing the last one. Don’t you feel a sense of mild panic that you haven’t got one? You should.
Last chance.
Seriously, what are you waiting for? What if you get hit by coronavirus and you have to self-isolate for two weeks and you can’t read The Shovel because you’re too guilty for not making a financial contribution. You might be forced to read lesser satirical substitutes like The Daily Telegraph.
Quick! Don’t be the one loser left without a membership. Immediately follow what everyone else is doing and buy one now!


theshovel--2020-03-08--Trump Says He Will Travel To Coronavirus Soon To Help Out With Crisis There

US President Donald Trump says the US is willing to provide whatever support the people of Coronavirus need to help @ @ @ @ @ feet again .
Addressing journalists this morning , Mr Trump said he loved Coronavirus and @ @ @ @ @ many times .
“ It ’ s a beautiful place .
Great people .
It @ @ @ @ @ ’ s happened there , ” he said .
Mr Trump said he had heard @ @ @ @ @ have died and that businesses were struggling in Coronavirus .
“ We ’ re developing @ @ @ @ @ thing that – and not a lot of people know this – can help rebuild @ @ @ @ @ such as these ” .
Mr Trump said he will make a trip to the @ @ @ @ @ Become a Shovel member .
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US President Donald Trump says the US is willing to provide whatever support the people of Coronavirus need to help them get back on their feet again.
Addressing journalists this morning, Mr Trump said he loved Coronavirus and had travelled there many, many times. “It’s a beautiful place. Great people. It’s so sad what’s happened there,” he said.
Mr Trump said he had heard that a lot of people have died and that businesses were struggling in Coronavirus.
“We’re developing a vaccine which is a thing that – and not a lot of people know this – can help rebuild houses and buildings in places such as these”.
Mr Trump said he will make a trip to the troubled island next week.
With Paul Dovas


theshovel--2020-03-10--Scott Cam Just Demolished His Reputation On Live TV. Now 5 Lucky Couples Get To Totally Rebuild It!

In a new twist on reality TV favourite The Block , host Scott Cam has completely demolished his own reputation , ready to be rebuilt by the show ’ s 2020 contestants .
Cam said the format was overdue for a refresh , and getting contestants to overhaul a reputation rather than an apartment block was just the twist the show needed .
“ Anyone who saw today ’ s interview will tell you it was a demolition job .
The reputation ’ s been razed to the ground – there ’ s nothing left .
So the contestants will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , which is very exciting , ” Cam said .
Cam said it was one of the toughest challenges the show has ever seen .
“ I ’ m really not sure how the contestants are going to be able to do this , to be honest .
But one of the things I love about this gig is how it ’ s full of surprises .
I mean , who would ’ ve thought someone would come up with the idea of paying me $ 350k to do a couple of Facebook @ @ @ @ @ @ @ creative , such an amazing use of a tight budget ” .
Each week will see teams rebuild a different part of Cam ’ s reputation , with the host being auctioned off to the highest bidder at the end of the series .
“ Of course we won ’ t be able to reveal the final auction price .
That ’ s none of your business , ” Cam said .
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In a new twist on reality TV favourite The Block, host Scott Cam has completely demolished his own reputation, ready to be rebuilt by the show’s 2020 contestants.
Cam said the format was overdue for a refresh, and getting contestants to overhaul a reputation rather than an apartment block was just the twist the show needed.
“Anyone who saw today’s interview will tell you it was a demolition job. The reputation’s been razed to the ground – there’s nothing left. So the contestants will have a clean slate to work with, which is very exciting,” Cam said.
Cam said it was one of the toughest challenges the show has ever seen.
“I’m really not sure how the contestants are going to be able to do this, to be honest. But one of the things I love about this gig is how it’s full of surprises. I mean, who would’ve thought someone would come up with the idea of paying me $350k to do a couple of Facebook posts? It’s just so creative, such an amazing use of a tight budget”.
Each week will see teams rebuild a different part of Cam’s reputation, with the host being auctioned off to the highest bidder at the end of the series. “Of course we won’t be able to reveal the final auction price. That’s none of your business,” Cam said.


theshovel--2020-03-10--Morrison Calls In Marketing Mates To Help Rebrand Upcoming Deficit

The Coalition Government will not deliver a deficit this year as widely predicted , and will instead oversee a ‘ Surplus 2.0 ’ , Scott Morrison has confirmed .
In a press conference this morning , Mr Morrison said speculation that a deficit was inevitable was wrong .
“ I don ’ t know where you got that information from , but it is incorrect .
We will be delivering a surplus this year ” .
Pressed for further detail , the Prime Minister explained that the Surplus 2.0 was a special type of surplus .
“ For most surpluses @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for our surplus it will be the other way around , which is quite innovative .
That ’ s why we ’ re calling it Surplus 2.0 .
It ’ s a new kind of surplus for a new kind of Australia ” .
When it was suggested that this was actually a deficit , Mr Morrison disagreed .
“ No , Labor runs deficits , not us .
We ’ ve said all along that we will be delivering a surplus and that is what we will do ” .
Mr Morrison @ @ @ @ @ @ @ working on the budget for quite some time .
“ You don ’ t come up with a term like Surplus 2.0 overnight .
Australians can be reassured that a lot of thought has gone into how we present this ” .
The Prime Minister refused to be drawn on how a negative balance could be seen as a positive balance .
“ I reject the premise of your question , ” he said .
Asked how the government would be protecting the economy from the fallout from coronavirus , the PM said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ addressed that ” .
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The Coalition Government will not deliver a deficit this year as widely predicted, and will instead oversee a ‘Surplus 2.0’, Scott Morrison has confirmed.
In a press conference this morning, Mr Morrison said speculation that a deficit was inevitable was wrong. “I don’t know where you got that information from, but it is incorrect. We will be delivering a surplus this year”.
Pressed for further detail, the Prime Minister explained that the Surplus 2.0 was a special type of surplus. “For most surpluses income is bigger than spending, but for our surplus it will be the other way around, which is quite innovative. That’s why we’re calling it Surplus 2.0. It’s a new kind of surplus for a new kind of Australia”.
When it was suggested that this was actually a deficit, Mr Morrison disagreed. “No, Labor runs deficits, not us. We’ve said all along that we will be delivering a surplus and that is what we will do”.
Mr Morrison said he and his team had been working on the budget for quite some time. “You don’t come up with a term like Surplus 2.0 overnight. Australians can be reassured that a lot of thought has gone into how we present this”.
The Prime Minister refused to be drawn on how a negative balance could be seen as a positive balance. “I reject the premise of your question,” he said.
Asked how the government would be protecting the economy from the fallout from coronavirus, the PM said “I think I’ve already addressed that”.


theshovel--2020-03-10--Man Who Has Runny Nose And Fucking Hates His Job Pretty Sure He Has Coronavirus

A Melbourne man who woke up with a bit of a sniffle and an ongoing hatred of his job , feels he should probably self-isolate for the next two weeks just to be safe .
Saying he didn ’ t want to put others at risk by going into the office that he fucking hates , Hugh Peterson made the selfless decision to stay at home to watch Netflix for the next 14 days .
“ When I woke up this morning I just knew I couldn ’ t go into work .
I had a bit of a runny @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ It ’ s not going to be easy .
But the last thing I ’ d want to do is to expose this potential virus to the bunch of arseholes who I work with .
It would be unfair on them , ” he said .
Peterson resisted the urge to work from home while he was ill , saying it was incumbent on him to rest up and get better as soon as possible .
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A Melbourne man who woke up with a bit of a sniffle and an ongoing hatred of his job, feels he should probably self-isolate for the next two weeks just to be safe.
Saying he didn’t want to put others at risk by going into the office that he fucking hates, Hugh Peterson made the selfless decision to stay at home to watch Netflix for the next 14 days.
“When I woke up this morning I just knew I couldn’t go into work. I had a bit of a runny nose too,” Peterson said.
“It’s not going to be easy. But the last thing I’d want to do is to expose this potential virus to the bunch of arseholes who I work with. It would be unfair on them,” he said.
Peterson resisted the urge to work from home while he was ill, saying it was incumbent on him to rest up and get better as soon as possible.


theshovel--2020-03-10--Scott Cam Just Demolished His Reputation On Live TV. Now 5 Lucky Couples Get To Rebuild It!


theshovel--2020-03-12--Local Introvert Prepares For Coronavirus By Self-Isolating For Last 20 Years

Sydney man Kyle McKenzie says he has been preparing for the COVID-19 epidemic since 2001 , cleverly avoiding crowds and @ @ @ @ @ to come into contact with people who might carry the virus or start a conversation @ @ @ @ @ had closely followed official advice , avoiding all public interactions .
“ I ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ mass gatherings .
I ’ ve also avoided small gatherings , just to be sure @ @ @ @ @ He said that if he saw someone he knew out in public , he ’ @ @ @ @ @ and walk in the opposite direction .
“ A minimum two-metre buffer zone is what @ @ @ @ @ m just following advice ” .
McKenzie said that , unlike a lot of people @ @ @ @ @ .
“ A person I know invited me to a house party , but I @ @ @ @ @ of the spread of virus was too great .
That was in 2016 ” .
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Sydney man Kyle McKenzie says he has been preparing for the COVID-19 epidemic since 2001, cleverly avoiding crowds and public places so as not to come into contact with people who might carry the virus or start a conversation.
McKenzie said that he had closely followed official advice, avoiding all public interactions. “I’ve been pretty disciplined in avoiding mass gatherings. I’ve also avoided small gatherings, just to be sure,” he said.
He said that if he saw someone he knew out in public, he’d do the right thing and walk in the opposite direction. “A minimum two-metre buffer zone is what is recommended. I’m just following advice”.
McKenzie said that, unlike a lot of people, he took self-isolation seriously. “A person I know invited me to a house party, but I passed, saying the risk of the spread of virus was too great. That was in 2016”.


theshovel--2020-03-12--Condolences Flow In, After Fans Learn Tom Hanks Was On The Gold Coast

Fans around the world have sent their thoughts and prayers to Tom Hanks , after it was revealed the actor and his wife were on the Gold Coast .
In an Instagram post today , the Castaway star revealed the sad news , saying he hadn ’ t realised quite how bad it was .
“ We ’ ve been feeling quite nauseous .
I woke up in a cold sweat this morning , wondering what on earth I was doing here .
A little bit of a chill ran down our spine when we went to Surfer ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get through this .
It ’ s just one day at a time right now ” .
Fans were shocked to hear the news and were quick to send their condolences .
“ Sending you all our love and prayers , ” Sarah Randle from California wrote .
“ I ’ m so sorry this has happened to you , ” another fan from Australia wrote .
“ Stay strong , ” wrote another .
The couple have now been isolated from the Gold Coast for their own wellbeing .
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Fans around the world have sent their thoughts and prayers to Tom Hanks, after it was revealed the actor and his wife were on the Gold Coast.
In an Instagram post today, the Castaway star revealed the sad news, saying he hadn’t realised quite how bad it was.
“We’ve been feeling quite nauseous. I woke up in a cold sweat this morning, wondering what on earth I was doing here. A little bit of a chill ran down our spines when we went to Surfer’s Paradise. But I think we can get through this. It’s just one day at a time right now”.
Fans were shocked to hear the news and were quick to send their condolences. “Sending you all our love and prayers,” Sarah Randle from California wrote. “I’m so sorry this has happened to you,” another fan from Australia wrote. “Stay strong,” wrote another.
The couple have now been isolated from the Gold Coast for their own wellbeing.


theshovel--2020-03-13--Peter Dutton Ordered To Self-Isolate On Manus Island For Next 5-8 Years

Saying it was the best way to ensure he didn ’ t contaminate the Australian population any further , authorities @ @ @ @ @ Peter Dutton to spend the next 5-8 years in isolation on Manus Island .
A @ @ @ @ @ realised it was an inconvenience for Mr Dutton , but assured him that Australia ’ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ This is actually a very quick and humane process and Mr Dutton can @ @ @ @ @ his family in 2025 , maybe even later ” .
The spokesperson said Mr Dutton @ @ @ @ @ around the island .
“ I ’ m sure there will be plenty to keep @ @ @ @ @ few years ” .
Asked whether Mr Dutton would be allowed to be transferred temporarily @ @ @ @ @ if required , the spokesperson said ‘ no ’ .
“ That would set an @ @ @ @ @ .
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Saying it was the best way to ensure he didn’t contaminate the Australian population any further, authorities have ordered Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton to spend the next 5-8 years in isolation on Manus Island.
A health department spokesperson said he realised it was an inconvenience for Mr Dutton, but assured him that Australia’s processes were very efficient.
“This is actually a very quick and humane process and Mr Dutton can expect to be reunited with his family in 2025, maybe even later”.
The spokesperson said Mr Dutton would be free to move around the island. “I’m sure there will be plenty to keep him entertained over the next few years”.
Asked whether Mr Dutton would be allowed to be transferred temporarily to Australia for medical treatment if required, the spokesperson said ‘no’. “That would set an unrealistic precedent of compassion”.


theshovel--2020-03-13--BREAKING: All Mass Gatherings Banned From Monday, As Soon As Hillsong 2020 Sydney Conference Finishe

BREAKING: All Mass Gatherings Banned From Monday, As Soon As Hillsong 2020 Sydney Conference Finishes

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has taken decisive action against the growing COVID-19 threat , implementing a mass gathering ban that will come into force as soon as the Hillsong Church ’ s 2020 Colour Conference finishes this weekend in Sydney .
Speaking to media this afternoon , Mr Morrison said the threat was urgent and the time to act was in 48-72 hours .
“ What we need to do is get ahead of the curve , and the best way to do that is to wait for this very important , tax-exempt , $ 200-a-ticket event being run by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ finish , and then immediately ban everything else ” .
He said it was unrealistic to start the ban any sooner .
“ The tickets have already been sold , staging and lighting have been checked and book-selling stands have been set up .
It would be very disruptive ” Asked if he was concerned that members of the Hillsong conference would contract coronavirus , Mr Morrison was adamant .
“ No , like taxation , they are actually exempt from the virus .
The only thing they ’ ll be infected with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a Shovel member .
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Prime Minister Scott Morrison has taken decisive action against the growing COVID-19 threat, implementing a mass gathering ban that will come into force as soon as the Hillsong Church’s 2020 Colour Conference finishes this weekend in Sydney.
Speaking to media this afternoon, Mr Morrison said the threat was urgent and the time to act was in 48-72 hours.
“What we need to do is get ahead of the curve, and the best way to do that is to wait for this very important, tax-exempt, $200-a-ticket event being run by my mate and mentor Brian Houston to finish, and then immediately ban everything else”.
He said it was unrealistic to start the ban any sooner. “The tickets have already been sold, staging and lighting have been checked and book-selling stands have been set up. It would be very disruptive”
Asked if he was concerned that members of the Hillsong conference would contract coronavirus, Mr Morrison was adamant.
“No, like taxation, they are actually exempt from the virus. The only thing they’ll be infected with is the Holy Spirit”.


theshovel--2020-03-13--World Relieved That Level-Headed, Compassionate Leader In Charge During Biggest Crisis In A Generati

World Relieved That Level-Headed, Compassionate Leader In Charge During Biggest Crisis In A Generation

The world has breathed a sigh of relief after remembering that the man charged with leading the earth ’ s most powerful nation out of the Covid-19 pandemic is known for calmly assessing all of the evidence before making sensible decisions for the betterment of all citizens .
Epidemiologist Chris Kavinski said that during a crisis , calm , coherent leadership was paramount .
“ In times like these you need someone who can put aside personal grievances , focus on the task at hand , and above all , listen to the experts around him .
I think we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s president .
“ We ’ re very lucky that at this juncture in history , we ’ ve got someone in the White House who has a reputation for being composed and considerate .
I mean , imagine if we had some erratic , self-obsessed idiot sitting in the Oval Office ?
That would be a cause for concern !
” Political expert Caitlin Reece said it was important for leaders to build consensus , rather than being side-tracked by petty jealousies , during times like these .
“ This is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ; a time for empathy .
It ’ s certainly not a time for blaming others , or making decisions based on personal business interests .
I think we ’ re in safe hands ” .
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The world has breathed a sigh of relief after remembering that the man charged with leading the earth’s most powerful nation out of the Covid-19 pandemic is known for calmly assessing all of the evidence before making sensible decisions for the betterment of all citizens.
Epidemiologist Chris Kavinski said that during a crisis, calm, coherent leadership was paramount. “In times like these you need someone who can put aside personal grievances, focus on the task at hand, and above all, listen to the experts around him. I think we can all see those attributes in today’s president.
“We’re very lucky that at this juncture in history, we’ve got someone in the White House who has a reputation for being composed and considerate. I mean, imagine if we had some erratic, self-obsessed idiot sitting in the Oval Office? That would be a cause for concern!”
Political expert Caitlin Reece said it was important for leaders to build consensus, rather than being side-tracked by petty jealousies, during times like these. “This is a time for cooperation with other nations; a time for empathy. It’s certainly not a time for blaming others, or making decisions based on personal business interests. I think we’re in safe hands”.


theshovel--2020-03-13--Local Man Surprised To Learn About This New ‘Washing Your Hands’ Thing

Perth man Trevor Seacliff says he is willing to give the new ‘ washing your hands ’ craze a try after hearing a lot about it lately .
“ Everyone seems to be talking about it .
I ’ d never heard of it before – is it a new dance move or something ?
” Seacliff said .
He said that , other than remembering to do up your fly , he hadn ’ t realised there was anything more to do after urinating in a public bathroom .
“ I usually just take a piss and then wipe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the door handle as I leave .
Or maybe just shake it onto a communal bowl of chips or something .
But this looks fun too .
He said it was all starting to make sense now .
“ I had wondered what all those white basins were for in public bathrooms .
I just assumed they were a decorative item or something .
Or a drinking fountain maybe .
“ So how does it work ?
You just wipe your hands on the taps do you ?
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Perth man Trevor Seacliff says he is willing to give the new ‘washing your hands’ craze a try after hearing a lot about it lately.
“Everyone seems to be talking about it. I’d never heard of it before – is it a new dance move or something?” Seacliff said.
He said that, other than remembering to do up your fly, he hadn’t realised there was anything more to do after urinating in a public bathroom.
“I usually just take a piss and then wipe any excess liquid onto my shirt or the door handle as I leave. Or maybe just shake it onto a communal bowl of chips or something. But this looks fun too.
He said it was all starting to make sense now.
“I had wondered what all those white basins were for in public bathrooms. I just assumed they were a decorative item or something. Or a drinking fountain maybe.
“So how does it work? You just wipe your hands on the taps do you?”


theshovel--2020-03-16--AFL Clubs Call Urgent Meeting With GWS To Learn What It’s Like To Play With No Spectators

With the AFL banning all spectators for the foreseeable future , clubs have sought the advice of the Greater Western Sydney Giants , who have elite-level experience playing to no-one .
“ It ’ s going to be a pretty weird experience for the boys , not having anyone there .
So we wanted to get advice from someone who ’ s done it week in week out , ” a Hawthorn spokesperson said .
A GWS spokesperson said they would be happy to pass on their knowledge .
“ It is a pretty different feeling .
Running down the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ screaming fans not in your ears ; walking out to the centre to a stadium absolutely packed with empty seats – it can be a little overwhelming ” .
He said GWS had been preparing for a moment like this for years .
“ We ’ ve spent week after week practising for this , honing it over time .
When the government banned events of over 500 , we knew we didn ’ t have to change a thing ” .
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With the AFL banning all spectators for the foreseeable future, clubs have sought the advice of the Greater Western Sydney Giants, who have elite-level experience playing to no-one.
“It’s going to be a pretty weird experience for the boys, not having anyone there. So we wanted to get advice from someone who’s done it week in week out,” a Hawthorn spokesperson said.
A GWS spokesperson said they would be happy to pass on their knowledge. “It is a pretty different feeling. Running down the race with the sounds of thousands of screaming fans not in your ears; walking out to the centre to a stadium absolutely packed with empty seats – it can be a little overwhelming”.
He said GWS had been preparing for a moment like this for years. “We’ve spent week after week practising for this, honing it over time. When the government banned events of over 500, we knew we didn’t have to change a thing”.


theshovel--2020-03-18--Nation Grateful That At Least We Have Fast Internet

As millions of people begin working from home , Australians have remembered how lucky they are to have a fast , reliable national broadband network .
Small business spokesperson Tom McDonald said that it was at times like these that we could be thankful for the foresight of our government .
“ Things can be pretty tough working from home .
So we can be grateful that eight years ago the government didn ’ t scrimp on internet connectivity .
“ I mean , can you imagine if you had to work from home and you had to wait five @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a medium-sized file ?
That would be a joke !
” Rachel Winter , who employs 30 people in her business , said we should count ourselves lucky .
“ In these tough times it ’ s comforting to know that Australia has the world ’ s 68th fastest internet .
Sure , people in Kazakhstan have it better , but ours is amongst the best in Oceania .
So that ’ s saying something ” .
She said she expected the transition to working-from-home across the country to be seamless .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at once is just the type of thing the NBN was designed for ” .
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As millions of people begin working from home, Australians have remembered how lucky they are to have a fast, reliable national broadband network.
Small business spokesperson Tom McDonald said that it was at times like these that we could be thankful for the foresight of our government.
“Things can be pretty tough working from home. So we can be grateful that eight years ago the government didn’t scrimp on internet connectivity.
“I mean, can you imagine if you had to work from home and you had to wait five minutes every time you wanted to download a medium-sized file? That would be a joke!”
Rachel Winter, who employs 30 people in her business, said we should count ourselves lucky.
“In these tough times it’s comforting to know that Australia has the world’s 68th fastest internet. Sure, people in Kazakhstan have it better, but ours is amongst the best in Oceania. So that’s saying something”.
She said she expected the transition to working-from-home across the country to be seamless.
“20 million people all video-conferencing from home at once is just the type of thing the NBN was designed for”.


theshovel--2020-03-18--Marrickville Coles Totally Out Of Typewriters And Vintage Suitcases, As Panic Buying Continues

Stores in Sydney ’ s inner west and Melbourne ’ s inner north are experiencing a shortage of essentials including vintage suitcases , ukuleles and VHS tapes , as panic buying continues across the country .
In one store in Fitzroy the pennyfarthing aisle had been shopped bare .
“ It ’ s been pretty crazy here to be honest , ” store owner Herbert Ingles said .
“ We ’ re totally out of ironic tote bags and we ’ re even running low on gramophones now .
It ’ s ridiculous , ” he said .
He said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s worth of small-batch boutique bourbon kit sales in just one day .
“ My message to everyone is to just be calm – there are enough hand-crafted leather aprons for everyone ” .
Archibald Reece , a storeowner in Marrickville , said they wouldn ’ t have more Casio calculator watches in stock for at least 14 days .
His store has implemented a limit of one cassette tape per customer policy until further notice .
“ All I ’ d say is , think about those vulnerable people in your community @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more than you do ” .
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Stores in Sydney’s inner west and Melbourne’s inner north are experiencing a shortage of essentials including vintage suitcases, ukuleles and VHS tapes, as panic buying continues across the country.
In one store in Fitzroy the pennyfarthing aisle had been shopped bare. “It’s been pretty crazy here to be honest,” store owner Herbert Ingles said. “We’re totally out of ironic tote bags and we’re even running low on gramophones now. It’s ridiculous,” he said.
He said his store had done 7 week’s worth of small-batch boutique bourbon kit sales in just one day.
“My message to everyone is to just be calm – there are enough hand-crafted leather aprons for everyone”.
Archibald Reece, a storeowner in Marrickville, said they wouldn’t have more Casio calculator watches in stock for at least 14 days. His store has implemented a limit of one cassette tape per customer policy until further notice. “All I’d say is, think about those vulnerable people in your community who need a bespoke cobbler tool set more than you do”.


2020 Cancelled

2020 will no longer go ahead , it has been confirmed .
An official statement from organisers said that , @ @ @ @ @ they could not in good faith continue with the year .
“ After careful consideration @ @ @ @ @ it is in the best interests of everyone involved that we no longer proceed with @ @ @ @ @ year .
“ We will instead provide ticket-holders with a refund and start afresh with @ @ @ @ @ understand some of you were looking forward to seeing what cruel and peculiar clusterfuck 2020 @ @ @ @ @ on balance we believe it is probably best not to know ” .
“ We @ @ @ @ @ everyone who has put so much work into putting 2020 together .
But , let @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s probably best we just pretended this never happened ” .
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2020 will no longer go ahead, it has been confirmed.
An official statement from organisers said that, after considering all options, they could not in good faith continue with the year.


theshovel--2020-03-18--Shoppers Rush To Supermarkets To Stock Up On Coronavirus

People have flocked to packed supermarkets around the country , eager to pick up a case of COVID-19 .
Hordes of sweating , panting shoppers pushed through shopping aisles heaving with humanity , in the hope of picking up some extra toilet paper and coronavirus .
“ I just want to be prepared if we need to go into lockdown , ” shopper John Hannity said .
“ I ’ ve got 40kg of flour and two pallets of rice .
But then I remembered I haven ’ t got a single trace of COVID 19 .
So I headed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of that as well ” .
Many shoppers have been getting up before dawn to join queues of hundreds of other coughing , snotty-nosed shoppers , in the hope of picking up the virus early .
“ I just don ’ t want to miss out , ” shopper Bev Sampson said .
“ This could be the last chance we get to contract coronavirus before we ’ re confined to our homes , so I wanted to make sure I gave myself the best chance ” .
She said she had been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for any signs of the virus .
She said despite the panic , the mood was mostly one of generosity .
“ I saw a lot of people giving their coronavirus to people who didn ’ t have it , so that ’ s nice ” .
Supermarkets are now considering restricting COVID-19 to one infection per shopper .
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People have flocked to packed supermarkets around the country, eager to pick up a case of COVID-19.
Hordes of sweating, panting shoppers pushed through shopping aisles heaving with humanity, in the hope of picking up some extra toilet paper and coronavirus.
“I just want to be prepared if we need to go into lockdown,” shopper John Hannity said. “I’ve got 40kg of flour and two pallets of rice. But then I remembered I haven’t got a single trace of COVID 19. So I headed down to the shops to get some of that as well”.
Many shoppers have been getting up before dawn to join queues of hundreds of other coughing, snotty-nosed shoppers, in the hope of picking up the virus early.
“I just don’t want to miss out,” shopper Bev Sampson said. “This could be the last chance we get to contract coronavirus before we’re confined to our homes, so I wanted to make sure I gave myself the best chance”.
She said she had been to four different packed supermarkets today looking for any signs of the virus.
She said despite the panic, the mood was mostly one of generosity. “I saw a lot of people giving their coronavirus to people who didn’t have it, so that’s nice”.
Supermarkets are now considering restricting COVID-19 to one infection per shopper.


theshovel--2020-03-19--International Arrivals At Lowest Levels Since Scott Morrison Was Head Of Tourism Australia

The number of tourists coming to Australia has hit its lowest point since Scott Morrison ’ s ‘ Where the @ @ @ @ @ ’ campaign , new figures have revealed .
“ It ’ s just totally dried @ @ @ @ @ s coming to Australia at all anymore , ” a tourism industry spokesperson said after @ @ @ @ @ body in 2004 .
With Australia totally shutting its borders , many in the industry @ @ @ @ @ low as when they heard Morrison had been given the top job .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ not quite that bad .
But you know what I mean , ” one industry @ @ @ @ @ operator described it as a disaster .
“ Those were pretty dark days , thanks @ @ @ @ @ Mr Morrison was sacked from his Tourism Australia position after two years in the job @ @ @ @ @ Minister since 2018 .
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The number of tourists coming to Australia has hit its lowest point since Scott Morrison’s ‘Where the bloody hell are you?’ campaign, new figures have revealed.
“It’s just totally dried up overnight. No-one’s coming to Australia at all anymore,” a tourism industry spokesperson said after Morrison took over the peak body in 2004.
With Australia totally shutting its borders, many in the industry say confidence is almost as low as when they heard Morrison had been given the top job. “I mean, it’s not quite that bad. But you know what I mean,” one industry insider said.
Another tourism operator described it as a disaster. “Those were pretty dark days, thanks for reminding me”.
Mr Morrison was sacked from his Tourism Australia position after two years in the job. He has been Prime Minister since 2018.


theshovel--2020-03-19--Australia’s 1.2 Million Epidemiologists Take To Social Media To Provide Valuable Expert Advice

With Australians struggling to make sense of the COVID-19 pandemic , the nation ’ s 1.2 million epidemic experts have rushed to social media to provide sensible , evidenced-based guidance for less knowledgeable citizens .
Epidemiologist Lisa Harrington , who also works as a sales assistant at a juice bar , said she was more than happy to share the knowledge she had gathered during a medical research career that stretches back to last Thursday .
“ As someone who has read widely on this topic at institutions such as Google and Twitter , it ’ s my duty to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ less qualified , ” Harrington said .
“ If I can perhaps share a slightly out-of-date or misleading graph that I found on Facebook to explain how people should respond to the coronavirus , then all the better ” .
Health Department spokesperson Graeme Thornbury thanked Australia ’ s epidemiologists for sharing their knowledge at this difficult time .
“ We ’ re so lucky to have so many experts in this field at such a critical time , ” he said .
“ People are confused right now .
So what they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ opinion from an epidemiologist/junior accountant who ’ s read an article that a mate found on reddit ” .
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With Australians struggling to make sense of the COVID-19 pandemic, the nation’s 1.2 million epidemic experts have rushed to social media to provide sensible, evidenced-based guidance for less knowledgeable citizens.
Epidemiologist Lisa Harrington, who also works as a sales assistant at a juice bar, said she was more than happy to share the knowledge she had gathered during a medical research career that stretches back to last Thursday.
“As someone who has read widely on this topic at institutions such as Google and Twitter, it’s my duty to pass on what I know to those less qualified,” Harrington said.
“If I can perhaps share a slightly out-of-date or misleading graph that I found on Facebook to explain how people should respond to the coronavirus, then all the better”.
Health Department spokesperson Graeme Thornbury thanked Australia’s epidemiologists for sharing their knowledge at this difficult time.
“We’re so lucky to have so many experts in this field at such a critical time,” he said.
“People are confused right now. So what they need more than anything is a strongly-held opinion from an epidemiologist/junior accountant who’s read an article that a mate found on reddit”.


theshovel--2020-03-19--5 Million New Podcasts To Launch Next Week

The world is about to be absolutely fucking inundated with exciting new content , it has been revealed .
Millions of up-and-coming broadcasters say that being stuck at home is just the excuse they needed to finally get around to recording that 2-hour chat about hamburgers that you didn ’ t know you needed to hear .
New podcaster Johnno Wilson said he couldn ’ t wait to share his insights and ideas with the rest of the world .
“ I think a lot of people don ’ t realise how many types of hamburgers there actually are .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ patties or one ?
That ’ s the first four episodes sorted , ” he said .
Brisbane man Jim Lawson said his new podcast series would offer something fresh that no-one had ever heard before – a laid-back chat with his mates .
“ Me and a few of the boys catch up for beers once a week and we get into some pretty spicy banter .
So we thought , what if we were to just press record and release it as a weekly podcast ?
It ’ d make great @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Bicknall , who is one of five million people to launch a podcast in the coming days , says he ’ s identified a gap in the market for true crime .
“ My house was burgled back in 2008 and there are a lot of unanswered questions .
So I ’ m going to take a forensic look at what happened , one episode at a time , and hopefully get to the bottom of it .
There ’ s a lot to unravel ” .
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The world is about to be absolutely fucking inundated with exciting new content, it has been revealed.
Millions of up-and-coming broadcasters say that being stuck at home is just the excuse they needed to finally get around to recording that 2-hour chat about hamburgers that you didn’t know you needed to hear.
New podcaster Johnno Wilson said he couldn’t wait to share his insights and ideas with the rest of the world. “I think a lot of people don’t realise how many types of hamburgers there actually are. With cheese, without cheese. Two patties or one? That’s the first four episodes sorted,” he said.
Brisbane man Jim Lawson said his new podcast series would offer something fresh that no-one had ever heard before – a laid-back chat with his mates.
“Me and a few of the boys catch up for beers once a week and we get into some pretty spicy banter. So we thought, what if we were to just press record and release it as a weekly podcast? It’d make great listening,” he said.
Phil Bicknall, who is one of five million people to launch a podcast in the coming days, says he’s identified a gap in the market for true crime. “My house was burgled back in 2008 and there are a lot of unanswered questions. So I’m going to take a forensic look at what happened, one episode at a time, and hopefully get to the bottom of it. There’s a lot to unravel”.


theshovel--2020-03-19--Next Season Of MAFS Will Be ‘Married At First Skype’, Nine Confirms

The next season of MAFS will feature eight singles who have never met , getting married over an unreliable Skype connection , Nine has confirmed .
Dubbed the first ever social distancing dating experiment , the concept will allow the reality show to go ahead despite COVID-19 concerns .
Executive producer Sarah Yates said there is a real sense of excitement about the upcoming season .
“ I ’ ve always said , there ’ s no better way to see if you ’ re the right fit with someone than to spend 10-20 minutes with them on a video @ @ @ @ @ @ @ magic happens !
” As with all MAFS seasons , there would be a real sense of anticipation , Yates said .
“ What will the contestants say when they see their partner for the first time ?
‘ Can you hear me ?
’ probably .
It ’ s going to be great content ” .
After the ceremony , each couple will get to meet their new spouse ’ s parents and friends as part of a Google Hangout .
“ Apart from the lack of food , wine , flowers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a beautiful venue , it will be exactly like a normal marriage reception , ” Yates said .
The couples will then get to spend some quality time apart during a special self-isolation honeymoon .
Builder and MAFS contestant Nick Jenkins said he couldn ’ t wait to see his new wife for the first time .
“ No , I literally can ’ t wait any longer .
It ’ s been twenty minutes and the video connection still isn ’ t working .
I ’ m about to run out of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Price said a lot of relationships started online .
“ Hopefully I ’ ll get to talk to my new husband in real life one day .
From 1.5 metres away of course ” .
A small favour to ask : It ’ s expensive having journalists stationed across the country , breaking the important stories of the day .
So it ’ s lucky we don ’ t do that .
But creating all of this relentless comedy does take time , and unfortunately you can ’ t pay for groceries with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was awkward ) .
So if you enjoyed this article , you might consider donating to The Shovel .
It costs as little as $ 3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee , or a sheet of toilet paper on the black market .
Click here .
Become a Shovel member .
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The next season of MAFS will feature eight singles who have never met, getting married over an unreliable Skype connection, Nine has confirmed.
Dubbed the first ever social distancing dating experiment, the concept will allow the reality show to go ahead despite COVID-19 concerns.
Executive producer Sarah Yates said there is a real sense of excitement about the upcoming season.
“I’ve always said, there’s no better way to see if you’re the right fit with someone than to spend 10-20 minutes with them on a video conferencing platform. It’s where magic happens!”
As with all MAFS seasons, there would be a real sense of anticipation, Yates said. “What will the contestants say when they see their partner for the first time? ‘Can you hear me?’ probably. It’s going to be great content”.
After the ceremony, each couple will get to meet their new spouse’s parents and friends as part of a Google Hangout. “Apart from the lack of food, wine, flowers, music, dances, cake-cutting and a beautiful venue, it will be exactly like a normal marriage reception,” Yates said.
The couples will then get to spend some quality time apart during a special self-isolation honeymoon.
Builder and MAFS contestant Nick Jenkins said he couldn’t wait to see his new wife for the first time. “No, I literally can’t wait any longer. It’s been twenty minutes and the video connection still isn’t working. I’m about to run out of data”.
Sydney retail worker Belinda Price said a lot of relationships started online. “Hopefully I’ll get to talk to my new husband in real life one day. From 1.5 metres away of course”.
Married at First Skype starts Monday.
With Mark Rogan
A small favour to ask: It’s expensive having journalists stationed across the country, breaking the important stories of the day. So it’s lucky we don’t do that. But creating all of this relentless comedy does take time, and unfortunately you can’t pay for groceries with Facebook likes (we tried, it was awkward). So if you enjoyed this article, you might consider donating to The Shovel. It costs as little as $3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee, or a sheet of toilet paper on the black market. Click here.
Creating all this relentless comedy takes time.


theshovel--2020-03-18--2020 Cancelled: Read the full statement

2020 Cancelled: Read the full statement

2020 will no longer go ahead , it has been confirmed .
An official statement from organisers said that , @ @ @ @ @ they could not in good faith continue with the year .
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theshovel--2020-03-18--Shoppers Rush To Supermarkets To Get Coronavirus


theshovel--2020-03-20--Tasmania Shuts Itself Off From Rest Of World Which Is Real Surprise For Rest Of Us Who Assumed They

Tasmania Shuts Itself Off From Rest Of World Which Is Real Surprise For Rest Of Us Who Assumed They Did This Years Ago

Tasmania ’ s decision to isolate from the rest of the world has shocked everyone else , who didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ was joining in up until now .
Mainlander Samantha Wallace was stunned when she heard @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Are you serious ?
Is that true ?
I thought they did that @ @ @ @ @ .
Have they been joining in have they ?
” she said .
Melbourne woman @ @ @ @ @ like being told someone at a party had left when you didn ’ t realise @ @ @ @ @ first place .
“ Really !
Oh , that ’ s somewhat disappointing ” .
@ @ @ @ @ he was surprised by the news .
“ That ’ s sad , I guess @ @ @ @ @ Asia did you say this place was ?
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Tasmania’s decision to isolate from the rest of the world has shocked everyone else, who didn’t realise the little state was joining in up until now.
Mainlander Samantha Wallace was stunned when she heard Tasmania was shutting up shop. “Are you serious? Is that true? I thought they did that in the 1950s or 60s. Have they been joining in have they?” she said.
Melbourne woman Hannah Coppin said it was like being told someone at a party had left when you didn’t realise they were there in the first place. “Really! Oh, that’s somewhat disappointing”.
Sydney resident Andrew Lappo said he was surprised by the news. “That’s sad, I guess. Sorry, where in Asia did you say this place was?”


theshovel--2020-03-21--‘Everyone Just Needs To Relax’, Say 2,000 Beachgoers Who Will Be Dead By April

Everyone is taking this whole corona thing way too seriously , 2,000 people who took to Bondi Beach for the @ @ @ @ @ , said yesterday .
Sydney man Liam Timms who heads down to Bondi for a @ @ @ @ @ nothing was going to stop him catching up with mates at the beach .
“ @ @ @ @ @ to just totally change my life to avoid some sort of flu , ” said @ @ @ @ @ about to totally change , and then end .
He said he couldn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ talking about the virus , a wish will be granted at some point before Easter @ @ @ @ @ said she had been waiting her whole life to come to Bondi .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ ” she said , unaware that she will die , but not happily , in @ @ @ @ @ Become a Shovel member .
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Everyone is taking this whole corona thing way too seriously, 2,000 people who took to Bondi Beach for the last time in their lives, said yesterday.
Sydney man Liam Timms who heads down to Bondi for a surf most days, said nothing was going to stop him catching up with mates at the beach.
“I’m not going to just totally change my life to avoid some sort of flu,” said the man whose life is about to totally change, and then end.
He said he couldn’t wait to stop hearing everyone talking about the virus, a wish will be granted at some point before Easter.
British tourist Bianca Annesley said she had been waiting her whole life to come to Bondi. “I can die happy now,” she said, unaware that she will die, but not happily, in just a few weeks.
A small favour to ask: It’s expensive having journalists stationed across the country, breaking the important stories of the day. So it’s lucky we don’t do that. But creating all of this relentless comedy does take time, and unfortunately you can’t pay for groceries with Facebook likes (we tried, it was awkward). So if you enjoyed this article, you might consider donating to The Shovel. It costs as little as $3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee, or a sheet of toilet paper on the black market. Click here.


theshovel--2020-03-21--Mexico Asks Trump To Hurry Up And Build The Fucking Wall

Mexico says it wants the wall on the US-Mexico border completed by the end of the week .
With the wall now three years overdue , many Mexicans were becoming increasingly anxious about having such a chaotic nation on their doorstep , with no physical border .
“ Seriously , let ’ s get this fucking thing up yesterday , ” one Mexican worker said , watching a news report on America ’ s handling of COVID-19 .
“ It ’ s getting ridiculous .
Why should we have to put up with an out-of-control nation on our border ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” .
In a strongly-worded statement , the Mexican President Andres Manual Lopez Obrador said he had had enough .
“ It ’ s mayhem over there – totally out of control .
What we can ’ t have is thousands of Americans fleeing here without any consequences .
We don ’ t want to become a dumping ground for the US ’ s problems .
We need a proper border , and we need it now .
“ Let ’ s get it built .
We ’ ll pay for it , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ member .
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Mexico says it wants the wall on the US-Mexico border completed by the end of the week.
With the wall now three years overdue, many Mexicans were becoming increasingly anxious about having such a chaotic nation on their doorstep, with no physical border.
“Seriously, let’s get this fucking thing up yesterday,” one Mexican worker said, watching a news report on America’s handling of COVID-19.
“It’s getting ridiculous. Why should we have to put up with an out-of-control nation on our border? Let’s get this wall built”.
In a strongly-worded statement, the Mexican President Andres Manual Lopez Obrador said he had had enough.
“It’s mayhem over there – totally out of control. What we can’t have is thousands of Americans fleeing here without any consequences. We don’t want to become a dumping ground for the US’s problems. We need a proper border, and we need it now.
“Let’s get it built. We’ll pay for it,” he said.
A small favour to ask: It’s expensive having journalists stationed across the country, breaking the important stories of the day. So it’s lucky we don’t do that. But creating all of this relentless comedy does take time, and unfortunately you can’t pay for groceries with Facebook likes (we tried, it was awkward). So if you enjoyed this article, you might consider donating to The Shovel. It costs as little as $3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee, or a sheet of toilet paper on the black market. Click here.


theshovel--2020-03-22--‘Why The Fuck Aren’t You Social Distancing?’ Says Man Who Boasted About Going To The Footy Last Week

‘Why The Fuck Aren’t You Social Distancing?’ Says Man Who Boasted About Going To The Footy Last Weekend

The spread of coronavirus is your fault , a man who only ten days ago said he was going to sit in a packed stadium of football fans to watch his beloved Sharkies , has claimed .
Mr Morrison , who also happens to be the Prime Minister of a medium-sized nation , announced plans to dramatically increase social distancing measures , saying people weren ’ t taking it seriously enough .
“ I ’ ve got no idea where you all got this idea that it was ok just to hang about in large numbers , ” he said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ And imagine going to a beach in the middle of a national crisis !
I mean , really ?
“ When we all do not do the right thing , then it has real implications for others , ” he said , apparently forgetting that he had literally encouraged people to attend mass gatherings last weekend .
“ What we need is for people to lead by example .
Pull your heads in , for god ’ s sake ” .
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The spread of coronavirus is your fault, a man who only ten days ago said he was going to sit in a packed stadium of football fans to watch his beloved Sharkies, has claimed.
Mr Morrison, who also happens to be the Prime Minister of a medium-sized nation, announced plans to dramatically increase social distancing measures, saying people weren’t taking it seriously enough.
“I’ve got no idea where you all got this idea that it was ok just to hang about in large numbers,” he said, adjusting his Sharks cap.
“And imagine going to a beach in the middle of a national crisis! I mean, really?
“When we all do not do the right thing, then it has real implications for others,” he said, apparently forgetting that he had literally encouraged people to attend mass gatherings last weekend.
“What we need is for people to lead by example. Pull your heads in, for god’s sake”.
A small favour to ask: It’s expensive having journalists stationed across the country, breaking the important stories of the day. So it’s lucky we don’t do that. But creating all of this relentless comedy does take time, and unfortunately you can’t pay for groceries with Facebook likes (we tried, it was awkward). So if you enjoyed this article, you might consider donating to The Shovel. It costs as little as $3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee, or a sheet of toilet paper on the black market. Click here.


theshovel--2020-03-22--Scott Morrison Defined As  Non-Essential Service

Scott Morrison is not critical to the nation ’ s response to COVID-19 , it has been confirmed .
As @ @ @ @ @ the lead in defining Australia ’ s response , there was some confusion about what @ @ @ @ @ a statement released this morning confirmed the Prime Minister was not on the list of @ @ @ @ @ things like pharmacies and petrol stations are on the list , but less useful things @ @ @ @ @ , ” the statement read .
“ He ’ s a bit like a music @ @ @ @ @ – a lot of colour and movement , but not really critical in the fight @ @ @ @ @ we recognise some people have become used to seeing the Prime Minister each day , @ @ @ @ @ probably shut him down without too much disruption ” .
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Scott Morrison is not critical to the nation’s response to COVID-19, it has been confirmed.
As state premiers moved to take the lead in defining Australia’s response, there was some confusion about what was considered essential.
But a statement released this morning confirmed the Prime Minister was not on the list of national-critical services.
“Obviously things like pharmacies and petrol stations are on the list, but less useful things like Scott Morrison are not,” the statement read.
“He’s a bit like a music concert or a pokies lounge – a lot of colour and movement, but not really critical in the fight against COVID-19.
“While we recognise some people have become used to seeing the Prime Minister each day, the truth is we can probably shut him down without too much disruption”.
A small favour to ask: It’s expensive having journalists stationed across the country, breaking the important stories of the day. So it’s lucky we don’t do that. But creating all of this relentless comedy does take time, and unfortunately you can’t pay for groceries with Facebook likes (we tried, it was awkward). So if you enjoyed this article, you might consider donating to The Shovel. It costs as little as $3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee, or a sheet of toilet paper on the black market. Click here.


theshovel--2020-03-23--QUIZ: Which One Of These Boats Was Stopped From Entering Australia Because It Was A Threat To Nation

QUIZ: Which One Of These Boats Was Stopped From Entering Australia Because It Was A Threat To National Security?

No !
I ’ m sorry that ’ s incorrect .
It wasn ’ t the giant fuck-off cruise ship @ @ @ @ @ passengers that docked in Sydney in the middle of a viral pandemic , carrying at @ @ @ @ @ Although I can see why you would say that .
The correct answer was , @ @ @ @ @ boat of people seeking refuge from a war-torn country .
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No! I’m sorry that’s incorrect. It wasn’t the giant fuck-off cruise ship with 1,148 crew and 2,647 passengers that docked in Sydney in the middle of a viral pandemic, carrying at least 50 infectious passengers. Although I can see why you would say that.
The correct answer was, in fact, a small boat of people seeking refuge from a war-torn country.
Better luck next time!


theshovel--2020-03-24--Contagion And 5 Other Documentaries To Watch While You’re In Lockdown

With more home-time on the cards , we ’ re all looking for new shows to watch .
If you ’ re sick of make-believe dramas , why not try one of these great documentaries that ’ s streaming right now .
Contagion : After a run of hit dramas , Contagion was Steven Soderbergh ’ s first documentary – detailing the spread of a novel influenza virus across the world .
It features Gwyneth Paltrow , who unfortunately died before she could develop an overpriced fake cure to sell on Goop .
28 Days Later : This Danny Boyle @ @ @ @ @ @ @ refuse to take a new vaccination that ’ s been developed to fend off COVID-19 .
They die 28 days later .
Outbreak : Wolfgang Peterson ’ s documentary follows Kevin Spacey ’ s attempts to contain the outbreak of # metoo allegations against him .
It doesn ’ t end well .
12 Monkeys : One man travels back in time to stop the twelve men in Donald Trump ’ s cabinet from fucking up America ’ s response to the coronavirus .
Everyone dies .
Cabin Fever : An Eli Roth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ other after working from home for a week .
I Am Legend : A gruelling documentary about how Will Smith – the last human being alive on earth – saves the world from a genetically re-engineered measles virus by producing a decade of cheesy hip-hop .
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With more home-time on the cards, we’re all looking for new shows to watch. If you’re sick of make-believe dramas, why not try one of these great documentaries that’s streaming right now.
Contagion: After a run of hit dramas, Contagion was Steven Soderbergh’s first documentary – detailing the spread of a novel influenza virus across the world. It features Gwyneth Paltrow, who unfortunately died before she could develop an overpriced fake cure to sell on Goop.
28 Days Later:This Danny Boyle doco tracks a group of anti-vaxxers who refuse to take a new vaccination that’s been developed to fend off COVID-19. They die 28 days later.
Outbreak: Wolfgang Peterson’s documentary follows Kevin Spacey’s attempts to contain the outbreak of #metoo allegations against him. It doesn’t end well.
12 Monkeys: One man travels back in time to stop the twelve men in Donald Trump’s cabinet from fucking up America’s response to the coronavirus. Everyone dies.
Cabin Fever: An Eli Roth horror documentary in which everyone kills each other after working from home for a week.
I Am Legend:A gruelling documentary about how Will Smith – the last human being alive on earth – saves the world from a genetically re-engineered measles virus by producing a decade of cheesy hip-hop.


theshovel--2020-03-24--Nation’s Dogs Announce Plans To Continue Working From Home

The nation ’ s dogs will work from home again this week , it has been confirmed .
In an @ @ @ @ @ the dogs said the arrangement would be in place for the ‘ foreseeable future ’ @ @ @ @ @ we can carry out work duties from home as usual .
All business-critical tasks can @ @ @ @ @ environment without disruption , ” Brian , a Golden Labrador , said .
“ Whether @ @ @ @ @ down a fence line barking like an idiot , tearing up a couch or fixing @ @ @ @ @ are confident we have all the necessary protocols in place ” .
Colin – an @ @ @ @ @ normally sleeps between 18 and 22 hours a day , with the rest mainly taken @ @ @ @ @ I can do this from home as normal , ” he said .
The dogs @ @ @ @ @ with all the usual commands .
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The nation’s dogs will work from home again this week, it has been confirmed.
In an update to all owners, the dogs said the arrangement would be in place for the ‘foreseeable future’.
“We are confident we can carry out work duties from home as usual. All business-critical tasks can be performed from the home environment without disruption,” Brian, a Golden Labrador, said.
“Whether it is running up and down a fence line barking like an idiot, tearing up a couch or fixing a sprinkler system, we are confident we have all the necessary protocols in place”.
Colin – an Australian Bulldog – said he normally sleeps between 18 and 22 hours a day, with the rest mainly taken up by eating. “I can do this from home as normal,” he said.
The dogs said they would be available with all the usual commands.


theshovel--2020-03-24--Hairdressers To Remain Open Provided They Cut Hair From 1.5m Away

Announcing a range of tough new measures last night , Scott Morrison has declared that hairdressers and barbers can remain @ @ @ @ @ they observe the 1.5 metre social distancing rules .
“ This is very clear , @ @ @ @ @ ’ re a hairdresser we want you to remain open , but just ensure you @ @ @ @ @ “ Blow drying will obviously now need to be completed with a stick vacuum cleaner @ @ @ @ @ .
It was also announced that hair appointments would be restricted to 30 minutes – @ @ @ @ @ get his hair cut three times , or a woman to explain how she would @ @ @ @ @ .
Those wishing to have appointments longer than 30 minutes will be required to have @ @ @ @ @ personal training bootcamp .
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Announcing a range of tough new measures last night, Scott Morrison has declared that hairdressers and barbers can remain open, as long as they observe the 1.5 metre social distancing rules.
“This is very clear, very simple. If you’re a hairdresser we want you to remain open, but just ensure you use your long scissors.
“Blow drying will obviously now need to be completed with a stick vacuum cleaner,” Mr Morrison said.
It was also announced that hair appointments would be restricted to 30 minutes – enough for a man to get his hair cut three times, or a woman to explain how she would like her hair cut today.
Those wishing to have appointments longer than 30 minutes will be required to have their hair cut at a personal training bootcamp.


theshovel--2020-03-25--Angus Taylor Says Fact He Owns 2,000 Hairdressing Salons Is Total Coincidence

Energy Minister Angus Taylor says there is absolutely no connection between his portfolio of 2,000 hairdressing salons and the government @ @ @ @ @ specifically allow hairdressers to remain open during the COVID-19 crisis .
Taylor said he and @ @ @ @ @ chain ‘ 30-Minute Haircut ’ had no idea the government was planning to exempt hairdressers @ @ @ @ @ the cabinet meeting minutes that I doctored , you ’ ll see that I wasn @ @ @ @ @ of the decision-making process , ” he said .
Mr Taylor said his hairdressers provided @ @ @ @ @ community , and would continue to operate as long as they were able .
His @ @ @ @ @ ’ and ‘ Weddings For 5 ’ would also remain open .
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Energy Minister Angus Taylor says there is absolutely no connection between his portfolio of 2,000 hairdressing salons and the government’s decision to very specifically allow hairdressers to remain open during the COVID-19 crisis.
Taylor said he and the directors of his hairdressing chain ‘30-Minute Haircut’ had no idea the government was planning to exempt hairdressers.
“If you read the cabinet meeting minutes that I doctored, you’ll see that I wasn’t even a part of the decision-making process,” he said.
Mr Taylor said his hairdressers provided a valuable service to the community, and would continue to operate as long as they were able. His other businesses ’10-Person Bootcamp’ and ‘Weddings For 5’ would also remain open.


theshovel--2020-03-25--Prince Charles Confident He Can Continue To Do Nothing Via Video Conferencing

Prince Charles , who has tested positive for COVID-19 and has announced he will work from home for the next @ @ @ @ @ is confident he can seamlessly carry out his normal routine of doing absolutely nothing on @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s amazing what one can do with technology these days , ” Charles @ @ @ @ @ my key daily duties – drinking tea , reading the newspaper , pretending I ’ @ @ @ @ @ can carry out at home in front of a laptop camera .
You won ’ @ @ @ @ @ m gone !
” He said there would be some sacrifices .
“ Playing polo @ @ @ @ @ its challenges , but we ’ ll find a way through it ” .
Like @ @ @ @ @ need to contend with the difficulties of self-isolating in a cramped 80-room apartment .
“ @ @ @ @ @ ll get a bit of cabin fever !
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Prince Charles, who has tested positive for COVID-19 and has announced he will work from home for the next 14 days, says he is confident he can seamlessly carry out his normal routine of doing absolutely nothing on Zoom or Skype.
“It’s amazing what one can do with technology these days,” Charles said.
“All of my key daily duties – drinking tea, reading the newspaper, pretending I’m a tampon – I can carry out at home in front of a laptop camera. You won’t even know I’m gone!”
He said there would be some sacrifices. “Playing polo on a Tuesday will have its challenges, but we’ll find a way through it”.
Like many Britons, Charles will need to contend with the difficulties of self-isolating in a cramped 80-room apartment.
“I do suspect I’ll get a bit of cabin fever!”


theshovel--2020-03-25--20% Of Nation’s Elbows Have Coronavirus, Experts Confirm

One in five elbows have COVID-19 , it has been confirmed .
Having ignored warnings to avoid being around coughing @ @ @ @ @ many say the elbows only have themselves to blame .
“ Haven ’ t they @ @ @ @ @ They seem to be oblivious to the 1.5 metre room .
It ’ s disgusting @ @ @ @ @ close to people ’ s faces , especially when they sneeze , ” one person @ @ @ @ @ been told to self isolate for 14 days .
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One in five elbows have COVID-19, it has been confirmed.
Having ignored warnings to avoid being around coughing, sneezing and snot, many say the elbows only have themselves to blame.
“Haven’t they heard of social distancing? They seem to be oblivious to the 1.5 metre room. It’s disgusting how they get up so close to people’s faces, especially when they sneeze,” one person said.
The elbows have been told to self isolate for 14 days.


theshovel--2020-03-26--Teenager Lectures Parents About Going Out All The Time

Astounded to hear her parents were heading out YET AGAIN tonight , Sydney teenager Lily Bertrand has told her parents they need to rein in their socialising or expect some serious consequences .
“ Um , I don ’ t think so !
” 16 year-old Bertrand said , as her parents headed to the front door clearly dressed up for a night out on the town .
“ Haven ’ t you seen Beverly enough lately ?
Why don ’ t you stay at home for once and watch a movie or something ?
” Bertrand said she was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at home worried sick , while her parents were out to all hours with friends .
“ They got home at 9:30 last night .
If they ’ re not out with friends , they ’ re heading out to the fricken shopping mall .
It ’ s so dangerous , but they never listen , ” she told friends .
The parents have been grounded , meaning they won ’ t be allowed to play outside or see their friends for at least six months .
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Astounded to hear her parents were heading out YET AGAIN tonight, Sydney teenager Lily Bertrand has told her parents they need to rein in their socialising or expect some serious consequences.
“Um, I don’t think so!” 16 year-old Bertrand said, as her parents headed to the front door clearly dressed up for a night out on the town.
“Haven’t you seen Beverly enough lately? Why don’t you stay at home for once and watch a movie or something?”
Bertrand said she was sick and tired of having to stay at home worried sick, while her parents were out to all hours with friends.
“They got home at 9:30 last night. If they’re not out with friends, they’re heading out to the fricken shopping mall. It’s so dangerous, but they never listen,” she told friends.
The parents have been grounded, meaning they won’t be allowed to play outside or see their friends for at least six months.
With contributions from Tyson Kinnane


theshovel--2020-04-17--Our Review Of Malcolm Turnbull’s New Book. “It has a promising start. But it loses its way midway th

Our Review Of Malcolm Turnbull’s New Book. “It has a promising start. But it loses its way midway through the first page”

Malcolm Turnbull ’ s new autobiography , A Bigger Picture , is one of the most hotly anticipated political books in years .
So much so that its rating on book website Goodreads was five stars , weeks before the book was even printed .
So , is it any good ?
The first thing that strikes you about A Bigger Picture is the cover .
It ’ s intelligent , thought-provoking , inspiring even .
There ’ s a real sense that this is going to be a very different read from other recent political autobiographies .
The contents @ @ @ @ @ @ @ clearly setting out the substantial number of challenging topics to be covered in the book .
It ’ s elegantly designed , and clearly laid out .
Once you start reading , however , you soon realise that none of the topics promised in the contents is actually covered in the book itself , which is very odd and incredibly frustrating .
( The chapter written by Peter Dutton but using Malcolm Turnbull ’ s voice is particularly strange ) .
The early chapters are written in long , flowery prose , some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ( the first chapter is actually just one long sentence ) .
But by chapter three , sentences are limited to just three words .
There ’ s an early chapter about innovation and ideas that ’ s quite interesting .
But it bizarrely stops midway through a page – midway through a sentence actually – and pivots to an explanation of the dangers of African gangs in Melbourne .
The section on Turnbull ’ s cabinets is one for the die-hards .
He describes in quite some detail his priceless collection of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from as far back as the 17th Century .
Later , he describes his decision to donate $ 1.7 million to the Liberal Party ’ s election campaign .
He also provides reassurance that donors had absolutely no influence over policy decisions during his time in office .
Ultimately the book is a massive disappointment .
But strangely the reader is left even more disappointed when the book unexpectedly ends .
A Bigger Picture is available in hardcover , or partly downloadable as an e-book using the NBN .
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Malcolm Turnbull’s new autobiography, A Bigger Picture, is one of the most hotly anticipated political books in years. So much so that its rating on book website Goodreads was five stars, weeks before the book was even printed.
So, is it any good?
The first thing that strikes you about A Bigger Picture is the cover. It’s intelligent, thought-provoking, inspiring even. There’s a real sense that this is going to be a very different read from other recent political autobiographies.
The contents pages make for interesting reading too – clearly setting out the substantial number of challenging topics to be covered in the book. It’s elegantly designed, and clearly laid out.
Once you start reading, however, you soon realise that none of the topics promised in the contents is actually covered in the book itself, which is very odd and incredibly frustrating. (The chapter written by Peter Dutton but using Malcolm Turnbull’s voice is particularly strange).
The early chapters are written in long, flowery prose, some sentences stretching to 100 words or more (the first chapter is actually just one long sentence). But by chapter three, sentences are limited to just three words.
There’s an early chapter about innovation and ideas that’s quite interesting. But it bizarrely stops midway through a page – midway through a sentence actually – and pivots to an explanation of the dangers of African gangs in Melbourne.
The section on Turnbull’s cabinets is one for the die-hards. He describes in quite some detail his priceless collection of antique teak and mahogany cabinets, some from as far back as the 17th Century.
Later, he describes his decision to donate $1.7 million to the Liberal Party’s election campaign. He also provides reassurance that donors had absolutely no influence over policy decisions during his time in office.
Ultimately the book is a massive disappointment. But strangely the reader is left even more disappointed when the book unexpectedly ends.
A Bigger Picture is available in hardcover, or partly downloadable as an e-book using the NBN.


theshovel--2020-04-16--Australians Reminded To Stay At Least 1.5km Away From Sam Newman

Authorities have warned Australians to stay at least 1.5km away from former media personality Sam Newman , in the interests @ @ @ @ @ Newman stood on the steps of Victorian Parliament yesterday to protest the fact that he @ @ @ @ @ His chant of : Victorian Premier Dan Andrews said he had been considering loosening restrictions @ @ @ @ @ would now extend them indefinitely , just to see Sam Newman have another meltdown .
@ @ @ @ @ of seeing a 75 year-old man with a plastic face throw a tantrum over a @ @ @ @ @ public benefit that all Victorians can appreciate ” .
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Authorities have warned Australians to stay at least 1.5km away from former media personality Sam Newman, in the interests of their own sanity.
Newman stood on the steps of Victorian Parliament yesterday to protest the fact that he is no longer relevant. His chant of:
“What do I want?
“Attention!”
“When do I want it?”
“All the fucking time!”
fell on deaf ears.
Victorian Premier Dan Andrews said he had been considering loosening restrictions on playing golf, but would now extend them indefinitely, just to see Sam Newman have another meltdown.
“I think the enjoyment of seeing a 75 year-old man with a plastic face throw a tantrum over a game of golf is a public benefit that all Victorians can appreciate”.


theshovel--2020-04-15--Trump’s Name To Be Added To Coronavirus Cheques, Gravestones

The production of tens of thousands of coronavirus stimulus cheques and gravestones in America has been held up after it was decided that Donald Trump ’ s name should be printed at the bottom of each one .
Department officials said it was unusual for government-issued gravestones to be altered in this way , but they said it was important for victims ’ families to know that Mr Trump had played a key role .
“ We know how much Donald Trump likes to take credit for everything , so we felt it was important that he was given due @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hate to see the coronavirus crisis go down in history without the President ’ s important role set in stone , as it were , ” a spokesperson said .
The plan was initially to include President Trump ’ s name in small lettering at the bottom of the gravestone .
But upon seeing the design , the President insisted that his name be much larger , and in gold type .
In a statement Mr Trump said he was pleased America was winning the coronavirus .
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The production of tens of thousands of gravestones in America has been held up after it was decided that Donald Trump’s name should be printed at the bottom of each one.
Department officials said it was unusual for government-issued gravestones to be altered in this way, but they said it was important for victims’ families to know that Mr Trump had played a key role.
“We know how much Donald Trump likes to take credit for everything, so we felt it was important that he was given due credit for this. We’d hate to see the coronavirus crisis go down in history without the President’s important role set in stone, as it were,” a spokesperson said.
The plan was initially to include President Trump’s name in small lettering at the bottom of the gravestone. But upon seeing the design, the President insisted that his name be much larger, and in gold type.
In a statement Mr Trump said he was pleased America was winning the coronavirus.


theshovel--2020-04-17--Our Review Of Malcolm Turnbull’s New Book. “It has a promising start, but loses its way midway throu

Our Review Of Malcolm Turnbull’s New Book. “It has a promising start, but loses its way midway through the first page”


theshovel--2020-04-19--“Trust Us On Covid App” Says Government Who Lied About Sports Grants, Water Licences, Travel Expense

“Trust Us On Covid App” Says Government Who Lied About Sports Grants, Water Licences, Travel Expenses, Asylum Seekers, ASIO Leaks And Robodebt

“ You can trust us to use the data from the coronavirus tracking app appropriately , ” says a government which secretly directed taxpayer funding towards marginal seats in order to win an election and later lied about its involvement in the scheme .
The Prime Minister – who oversees a government that bought millions of dollars of water rights from a company that was chaired by a government minister – said Australians could depend on the government to do the right thing .
“ We urge every Australian to download this app that tracks their movements , ” he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the time his government paid a shady Kangaroo Island-based company $ 423 million to oversee security in Manus Island , without using a tendering process .
Ignoring questions from journalists about how top secret information from ASIO was leaked in order to undermine the medical transfer of asylum seekers in 2019 , Mr Morrison said the app was secure and would be ready within days .
“ We have awarded the development contract to some of the best tech developers in the world , ” he said .
He chose not to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ multi-million travel contract to a company part-owned by former Treasurer Joe Hockey .
UPDATE : Mr Morrison said the app would be available soon , with illegal pirated copies available from his office even sooner .
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“You can trust us to use the data from the coronavirus tracking app appropriately,” says a government which secretly directed taxpayer funding towards marginal seats in order to win an election and later lied about its involvement in the scheme.
The Prime Minister – who oversees a government that bought millions of dollars of water rights from a company that was chaired by a government minister – said Australians could depend on the government to do the right thing.
“We urge every Australian to download this app that tracks their movements,” he said, preferring not to remind voters of the time his government paid a shady Kangaroo Island-based company $423 million to oversee security in Manus Island, without using a tendering process.
Ignoring questions from journalists about how top secret information from ASIO was leaked in order to undermine the medical transfer of asylum seekers in 2019, Mr Morrison said the app was secure and would be ready within days.
“We have awarded the development contract to some of the best tech developers in the world,” he said. He chose not to describe the time the government awarded a multi-million travel contract to a company part-owned by former Treasurer Joe Hockey.
UPDATE: Mr Morrison said the app would be available soon, with illegal pirated copies available from his office even sooner.


theshovel--2020-04-19--American Protesters Declare Their 1st Amendment Right To Be Fucking Idiots

Thousands of protesters have gathered in cities across America to remind lawmakers that it is their God given right to act like a total fucking doughnut in the face of a global pandemic .
In cities in Texas , Maryland , Ohio and beyond , locals came together to denounce what they believe is the illegal restriction of their rights .
“ Acting like an absolute arseclown during a global emergency is my birthright as an American , ” one man at a rally in Fort Worth said .
“ They can shut down our shopping centres .
They can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s nothing in the law that allows them to trample on an American ’ s right to gather closely together in large groups during the outbreak of a highly contagious virus , ” he said .
Another man said it was important to come together in times like these .
“ When the government is seeking to crush your civil liberties because of an infectious human-to-human disease , the best way to fight back is by locking arms with hundreds of other fellow Americans and shouting ‘ no way !
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Thousands of protesters have gathered in cities across America to remind lawmakers that it is their God given right to act like a total fucking doughnut in the face of a global pandemic.
In cities in Texas, Maryland, Ohio and beyond, locals came together to denounce what they believe is the illegal restriction of their rights.
“Acting like an absolute arseclown during a global emergency is my birthright as an American,” one man at a rally in Fort Worth said.
“They can shut down our shopping centres. They can shut down our restaurants. But there’s nothing in the law that allows them to trample on an American’s right to gather closely together in large groups during the outbreak of a highly contagious virus,” he said.
Another man said it was important to come together in times like these. “When the government is seeking to crush your civil liberties because of an infectious human-to-human disease, the best way to fight back is by locking arms with hundreds of other fellow Americans and shouting ‘no way!’”


theshovel--2020-04-21--School Always Finishes At 10am On Tuesdays, Home-Schooling Parents Assure Child

Finishing up school before lunch on a Tuesday is the way it ’ s always worked , a Sydney family @ @ @ @ @ child .
“ You ’ re getting mixed up with something else ” , Brad @ @ @ @ @ , after she said she was certain school continued until well after lunch .
“ @ @ @ @ @ morning on Mondays and Tuesdays .
And often on Wednesdays , Thursdays and Fridays as @ @ @ @ @ , ” he said .
He said it was a well-established schedule that shouldn ’ @ @ @ @ @ “ Maths runs from 9am to 10am , and then there ’ s a break @ @ @ @ @ and 5pm .
Now ’ s not the time to go mucking around with the @ @ @ @ @ it was now time to finish up times tables and switch to watching TV for @ @ @ @ @ , which is what the school ’ s schedule has always demanded .
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Finishing up school before lunch on a Tuesday is the way it’s always worked, a Sydney family has assured their seven year-old child.
“You’re getting mixed up with something else”, Brad Simpson told his daughter Lulu, after she said she was certain school continued until well after lunch.
“School has always finished mid morning on Mondays and Tuesdays. And often on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays as well – ask your Mum,” he said.
He said it was a well-established schedule that shouldn’t be messed with. “Maths runs from 9am to 10am, and then there’s a break for free time between 10am and 5pm. Now’s not the time to go mucking around with the routine”.
He said it was now time to finish up times tables and switch to watching TV for the rest of the afternoon, which is what the school’s schedule has always demanded.
Wednesday has been declared a pupil-free day.


theshovel--2020-04-20--If Virgin Goes Bust, Australians Will Only Have One Airline That They’re Not Allowed To Travel On

There are fears today that the nation ’ s second largest carrier , Virgin Australia , may cease to exist , leaving Australians with just one airline that they are unable to take their holiday with .
School teacher Sally Lambert from Brisbane said it would be sad to no longer have a choice of carriers when not booking a hypothetical weekend getaway .
“ It would be a real pity .
It ’ s nice to be able to look at two different airline websites , compare the two , and then not book with either of them .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ll only be able to not book with Qantas , ” she said .
Ben Redding from Sydney said he had been a loyal Virgin customer for years .
“ I never fly with Qantas .
But it looks like now I ’ ll have no choice but to not fly with Qantas , ” he said .
Aviation industry analyst Rachael Mead said it was important to have competition in the non-existent Australian airline market .
“ What we ’ re heading for is a situation where one carrier will have a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for about 50 % of Australia ’ s zero flights per day .
That could soon rise to 100 % ” .
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There are fears today that the nation’s second largest carrier, Virgin Australia, may cease to exist, leaving Australians with just one airline that they are unable to take their holiday with.
School teacher Sally Lambert from Brisbane said it would be sad to no longer have a choice of carriers when not booking a hypothetical weekend getaway.
“It would be a real pity. It’s nice to be able to look at two different airline websites, compare the two, and then not book with either of them. If Virgin goes under, we’ll only be able to not book with Qantas,” she said.
Ben Redding from Sydney said he had been a loyal Virgin customer for years. “I never fly with Qantas. But it looks like now I’ll have no choice but to not fly with Qantas,” he said.
Aviation industry analyst Rachael Mead said it was important to have competition in the non-existent Australian airline market. “What we’re heading for is a situation where one carrier will have a monopoly. At the moment Qantas accounts for about 50% of Australia’s zero flights per day. That could soon rise to 100%”.


theshovel--2020-04-21--Virgin Allows Customers To Purchase Entire Airline As Optional Add-On

Virgin Australia customers will be able to purchase extra baggage , insurance or Virgin Australia Pty Ltd as part of a new online booking process unveiled today .
Virgin CEO Paul Scurrah said the airline was always looking to offer passengers extra value , and this was a great way for travellers to customise their trip .
“ It ’ s very simple .
Just tick if you ’ d like to offset your flight or buy the airline when you checkout online , ” Scurrah said .
“ If you forget to tick the box , don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up that says ‘ Are you sure you don ’ t want to purchase Virgin Australia ?
’ It couldn ’ t be simpler ” .
The airline add-on will cost $ 2 for Virgin Australia , or $ 1.50 when bundled with Tiger Airways .
It also comes with $ 5 billion in complimentary debt .
Scurrah said at this stage the new feature would be an opt-in purchase , but that may change to an opt-out system depending on how the program goes .
“ We ’ re confident customers will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that passengers want to feel real ownership of the brands they engage with .
This is a wonderful opportunity for them to own Virgin Australia ” .
At the time of publication no-one had purchased the add-on .
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Virgin Australia customers will be able to purchase extra baggage, insurance or Virgin Australia Pty Ltd as part of a new online booking process unveiled today.
Virgin CEO Paul Scurrah said the airline was always looking to offer passengers extra value, and this was a great way for travellers to customise their trip.
“It’s very simple. Just tick if you’d like to offset your flight or buy the airline when you checkout online,” Scurrah said.
“If you forget to tick the box, don’t worry, there will be a pop up that says ‘Are you sure you don’t want to purchase Virgin Australia?’ It couldn’t be simpler”.
The airline add-on will cost $2 for Virgin Australia, or $1.50 when bundled with Tiger Airways. It also comes with $5 billion in complimentary debt.
Scurrah said at this stage the new feature would be an opt-in purchase, but that may change to an opt-out system depending on how the program goes.
“We’re confident customers will love this. Research has told us that passengers want to feel real ownership of the brands they engage with. This is a wonderful opportunity for them to own Virgin Australia”.
At the time of publication no-one had purchased the add-on.


theshovel--2020-04-21--LOL!! Man Who Doesn’t Pay Any Tax Asks For Government Bailout

In one of his most hilarious stunts yet , British man Richard Branson has asked the government to bailout his airlines .
Branson , who relocated to a private Caribbean island in 2007 in order to avoid paying tax and is famous for his cheeky media pranks , released a hilarious video asking Australian and British governments to chip in to his businesses .
“ I haven ’ t paid tax in over a decade , but it ’ s vital that the government handover several billions of dollars in taxpayer money so my companies can stay afloat , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ million private island .
“ Come on , what are you waiting for !
” he shouted as he jumped onto a flotilla of jet-skis driven by teenage supermodels .
Hanging from the bottom of a helicopter and then jumping onto a 60-foot yacht , the maverick entrepreneur saved his best joke for the end of his 60-second video .
“ And then when we ’ re profitable again , we ’ ll keep the profits to ourselves !
” he said , before jumping into a private jet and flying off into @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
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In one of his most hilarious stunts yet, British man Richard Branson has asked the government to bailout his airlines.
Branson, who relocated to a private Caribbean island in 2007 in order to avoid paying tax and is famous for his cheeky media pranks, released a hilarious video asking Australian and British governments to chip in to his businesses.
“I haven’t paid tax in over a decade, but it’s vital that the government handover several billions of dollars in taxpayer money so my companies can stay afloat,” the jokester said from his $60 million private island.
“Come on, what are you waiting for!” he shouted as he jumped onto a flotilla of jet-skis driven by teenage supermodels.
Hanging from the bottom of a helicopter and then jumping onto a 60-foot yacht, the maverick entrepreneur saved his best joke for the end of his 60-second video. “And then when we’re profitable again, we’ll keep the profits to ourselves!” he said, before jumping into a private jet and flying off into the sunset.


theshovel--2020-04-21--Virgin Allows Customers To Purchase Airline As Optional Add-On


theshovel--2020-04-23--Novak Djokavic Clarifies Anti-Vax Comments, Saying He Thought Novel Coronavirus Was An Up-And-Coming

Novak Djokavic Clarifies Anti-Vax Comments, Saying He Thought Novel Coronavirus Was An Up-And-Coming Spanish Tennis Player

Eight-times Australian Open winner Novak Djokavic has sought to clarify the comments he made about vaccinations earlier this week , saying he thought Novel Coronavirus was a potential opponent on the professional tour .
“ I ’ ve heard so much about Novel – seems like he ’ s everywhere right now , ” Djokavic said .
“ So I ’ m thinking , ‘ Who is this guy that everyone ’ s talking about ?
’ Sounds like he ’ s hard to beat .
Really just takes a hold of you and wears you down , apparently .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ threat if I was to come up against him on tour .
So I ’ m interested in this guy , you know .
“ But then the ATP is talking about getting a vaccination to help beat him , and I ’ m like , that sounds a bit extreme .
That ’ s cheating no ?
“ So I talk to Raffa – cos I just assumed this Novel guy was from Spain too .
And Raffa says ‘ No Novak you fucking idiot , it ’ s a virus not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ now I ’ m feeling a little embarrassed about the whole thing , you know ?
Still think I could beat him though ” .
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Eight-times Australian Open winner Novak Djokavic has sought to clarify the comments he made about vaccinations earlier this week, saying he thought Novel Coronavirus was a potential opponent on the professional tour.
“I’ve heard so much about Novel – seems like he’s everywhere right now,” Djokavic said.
“So I’m thinking, ‘Who is this guy that everyone’s talking about?’ Sounds like he’s hard to beat. Really just takes a hold of you and wears you down, apparently. My coach said he is definitely a threat if I was to come up against him on tour. So I’m interested in this guy, you know.
“But then the ATP is talking about getting a vaccination to help beat him, and I’m like, that sounds a bit extreme. That’s cheating no?
“So I talk to Raffa – cos I just assumed this Novel guy was from Spain too. And Raffa says ‘No Novak you fucking idiot, it’s a virus not a tennis player’.
“So now I’m feeling a little embarrassed about the whole thing, you know? Still think I could beat him though”.