theshovel--2020-04-16--Children Increasingly Using Their Bananas To Facetime, Rather Than Call, Grandparents

In a sign of the rate of change in banana-based technologies , more children are now making video calls on their bananas , rather than traditional phone-calls , in order to keep in touch with family members .
The banana – which has been the preferred communication device amongst young children for generations – has seamlessly adapted to new technologies , offering all of the features of a video call on its existing interface .
Ethan Grosby , 5 , says he regularly video-calls his grandparents on a banana , appreciating its intuitive number-memory system and face-recognition technology .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and it ’ s fun and they ’ re always there when I call and sometimes I eat the phone afterwards , ” he said .
Grosby said using the banana-phone for Facetime was better than holding it up to your ear , which rarely worked .
“ It ’ s really weird how people do that .
It doesn ’ t even work .
You can ’ t see them ” .
Ethan ’ s sister Ella , 6 , prefers to use her banana for Zoom meetings .
“ You can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ once that way ” .
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In a sign of the rate of change in banana-based technologies, more children are now making video calls on their bananas, rather than traditional phone-calls, in order to keep in touch with family members.
The banana – which has been the preferred communication device amongst young children for generations – has seamlessly adapted to new technologies, offering all of the features of a video call on its existing interface.
Ethan Grosby, 5, says he regularly video-calls his grandparents on a banana, appreciating its intuitive number-memory system and face-recognition technology. “It’s really easy to use and it’s fun and they’re always there when I call and sometimes I eat the phone afterwards,” he said.
Grosby said using the banana-phone for Facetime was better than holding it up to your ear, which rarely worked. “It’s really weird how people do that. It doesn’t even work. You can’t see them”.
Ethan’s sister Ella, 6, prefers to use her banana for Zoom meetings. “You can have several people on the call at once that way”.


theshovel--2020-04-15--Trump’s Name To Be Added To Coronavirus Gravestones

The production of tens of thousands of gravestones in America has been held up after it was decided that Donald Trump ’ s name should be printed at the bottom of each one .
Department officials said it was unusual for government-issued gravestones to be altered in this way , but they said it was important for victims ’ families to know that Mr Trump had played a key role .
“ We know how much Donald Trump likes to take credit for everything , so we felt it was important that he was given due credit for this .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ coronavirus crisis go down in history without the President ’ s important role set in stone , as it were , ” a spokesperson said .
The plan was initially to include President Trump ’ s name in small lettering at the bottom of the gravestone .
But upon seeing the design , the President insisted that his name be much larger , and in gold type .
In a statement Mr Trump said he was pleased America was winning the coronavirus .
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The production of tens of thousands of gravestones in America has been held up after it was decided that Donald Trump’s name should be printed at the bottom of each one.
Department officials said it was unusual for government-issued gravestones to be altered in this way, but they said it was important for victims’ families to know that Mr Trump had played a key role.
“We know how much Donald Trump likes to take credit for everything, so we felt it was important that he was given due credit for this. We’d hate to see the coronavirus crisis go down in history without the President’s important role set in stone, as it were,” a spokesperson said.
The plan was initially to include President Trump’s name in small lettering at the bottom of the gravestone. But upon seeing the design, the President insisted that his name be much larger, and in gold type.
In a statement Mr Trump said he was pleased America was winning the coronavirus.


theshovel--2020-04-15--Inspired By Pete Evans, We Created Our Own Machine That Cures Coronavirus

The coronavirus is affecting a lot of people across the globe right now .
While so-called ‘ researchers ’ are wasting government funds , and precious time , trying to solve the crisis with ‘ science ’ and ‘ evidence ’ , we ’ ve used something much more natural – intuition , Google and a much-needed dose of common sense – to develop our own practical solution to COVID-19 .
And it ’ s available right now .
The BioLight DragonBlender™ combines the natural healing properties of a colourful soft toy , with the revitalising energies of a Kambrook @ @ @ @ @ @ @ simple to use .
First , plug the device into any wall socket .
Next , turn the Blender up to a speed that feels comfortable for you and your family .
Finally , firmly push down on the Dragon ’ s tummy .
What happens next is a complex combination of lights and sounds that will tap into your inner wellness and rebalance your energies .
By sitting in front of the platform for 30 minutes a day for six years , you will completely eliminate Wuhan Coronavirus .
There are three @ @ @ @ @ @ @ different settings on the Blender , leading to a total of over 200,000 different combinations .
Whether you ’ re suffering from anxiety , loss of energy , cancer , fever , an inability to play piano , heart disease , respiratory issues , a lack of understanding about how to open the clothes dryer after its finished , urinary tract infections , autism or coronavirus , this is the machine for you .
The BioLight DragonBlender™ uses materials that you would normally find only in nature or Kmart – polyester , synthetics @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and it ’ s completely non-invasive .
What about the price ?
To buy the components separately yourself would cost around $ 55 .
But today only you can buy the BioLight DragonBlender™ for just $ 25,000 .
Buy it now .
You ’ ll feel instantly lighter .
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The coronavirus is affecting a lot of people across the globe right now. While so-called ‘researchers’ are wasting government funds, and precious time, trying to solve the crisis with ‘science’ and ‘evidence’, we’ve used something much more natural – intuition, Google and a much-needed dose of common sense – to develop our own practical solution to COVID-19. And it’s available right now.
The BioLight DragonBlender™ combines the natural healing properties of a colourful soft toy, with the revitalising energies of a Kambrook 600W blender.
It’s so simple to use. First, plug the device into any wall socket. Next, turn the Blender up to a speed that feels comfortable for you and your family. Finally, firmly push down on the Dragon’s tummy. What happens next is a complex combination of lights and sounds that will tap into your inner wellness and rebalance your energies.
By sitting in front of the platform for 30 minutes a day for six years, you will completely eliminate Wuhan Coronavirus.
There are three different songs on the Dragon and four different settings on the Blender, leading to a total of over 200,000 different combinations. Whether you’re suffering from anxiety, loss of energy, cancer, fever, an inability to play piano, heart disease, respiratory issues, a lack of understanding about how to open the clothes dryer after its finished, urinary tract infections, autism or coronavirus, this is the machine for you.
The BioLight DragonBlender™ uses materials that you would normally find only in nature or Kmart – polyester, synthetics, plastics and everyday low prices – and it’s completely non-invasive.
What about the price? To buy the components separately yourself would cost around $55. But today only you can buy the BioLight DragonBlender™ for just $25,000. Buy it now. You’ll feel instantly lighter.
Instruction manual sold separately.


theshovel--2020-04-15--MPs Told They’ll Need To Accept $1500 JobKeeper Payment If They’re Not Working Until August

With Parliament cancelled until August , Australia ’ s federal politicians have been told they will need to access the $ 750-a-week JobKeeper payment , instead of their usual parliamentary salaries .
A Centrelink spokesperson said that given politicians were apparently unable to work from home , they would need to apply for the payment .
“ As with everyone who is no longer working as a result of COVID-19 , we would ask that MPs fill out a confusing form , call Centrelink , wait on hold for 3 days and then confirm their details with us , before @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m sure they ’ ll be happy to do that .
“ Many politicians have told us for years that they could live on the Newstart payment , so I ’ m sure they will have absolutely no problem surviving on this ” .
MPs have hit back at the payments ruling , pointing out that Parliament has already sat for 19 days this year , on track to beat last year ’ s total of 38 days .
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With Parliament cancelled until August, Australia’s federal politicians have been told they will need to access the $750-a-week JobKeeper payment, instead of their usual parliamentary salaries.
A Centrelink spokesperson said that given politicians were apparently unable to work from home, they would need to apply for the payment.
“As with everyone who is no longer working as a result of COVID-19, we would ask that MPs fill out a confusing form, call Centrelink, wait on hold for 3 days and then confirm their details with us, before receiving their first payment next year. I’m sure they’ll be happy to do that.
“Many politicians have told us for years that they could live on the Newstart payment, so I’m sure they will have absolutely no problem surviving on this”.
MPs have hit back at the payments ruling, pointing out that Parliament has already sat for 19 days this year, on track to beat last year’s total of 38 days.


theshovel--2020-04-14--Woman Complaining About Crowds Yet To Realise She Is Part Of Crowd

A Melbourne woman who posted an angry message on social media about the number of people out and about in @ @ @ @ @ to realise she is one of the people out and about in the local park @ @ @ @ @ said she was only out because she needed to get some essential exercise – complained @ @ @ @ @ the rules by coming to a park to run or walk .
“ It ’ @ @ @ @ @ all of these people out in a public place just hanging around or looking at @ @ @ @ @ typed while standing in a public place on her phone .
Bridgetown said she had @ @ @ @ @ to approach these people to tell them they were breaking the rules .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ and told them in no uncertain terms that what they were doing was against the @ @ @ @ @ called the police , ” she said .
She called the police and was fined @ @ @ @ @ .
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A Melbourne woman who posted an angry message on social media about the number of people out and about in a local park is yet to realise she is one of the people out and about in the local park.
Jenny Bridgetown – who said she was only out because she needed to get some essential exercise – complained that people were blatantly breaking the rules by coming to a park to run or walk.
“It’s so infuriating to see all of these people out in a public place just hanging around or looking at their phones,” she typed while standing in a public place on her phone.
Bridgetown said she had to take it upon herself to approach these people to tell them they were breaking the rules. “I went right up to them and told them in no uncertain terms that what they were doing was against the rules, and I immediately called the police,” she said.
She called the police and was fined.


theshovel--2020-04-09--Morrison Delivers Rescue Package For Building Industry, Announcing Extra $2 Million For Scott Cam

The struggling building sector has been thrown a life-line , with the Government announcing it will expand Scott Cam ’ s careers ambassador role and pay him an extra $ 2 million a year .
Announcing the measures , Prime Minister Scott Morrison said the initiative was just what the sector needed to get up and running again .
“ I know a lot of you are hurting right now , and I know a lot of projects have been put on hold .
But you can sleep easy knowing that a reality TV star who hasn ’ t built @ @ @ @ @ @ @ media photo opps and shopping centre appearances over the next few months ” .
One builder from Sydney who recently lost his job said he expected the work to come rolling in now that Scott Cam ’ s role had been expanded .
“ The company I worked for had to lay off 100 people because all the work dried up .
But with Scotty Cam doing more social media posts about the industry , the future ’ s looking pretty rosy ” .
Morrison sad Cam – who will be working from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to make a go of it in the building industry .
“ What he ’ s shown is that if you get a trade , quit to become the host of a reality TV show , and then land an overpaid part-time government ambassador gig , you really can weather the ups and downs of the building industry ” .
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The struggling building sector has been thrown a life-line, with the Government announcing it will expand Scott Cam’s careers ambassador role and pay him an extra $2 million a year.
Announcing the measures, Prime Minister Scott Morrison said the initiative was just what the sector needed to get up and running again.
“I know a lot of you are hurting right now, and I know a lot of projects have been put on hold. But you can sleep easy knowing that a reality TV star who hasn’t built anything since 1998 will be doing extra media photo opps and shopping centre appearances over the next few months”.
One builder from Sydney who recently lost his job said he expected the work to come rolling in now that Scott Cam’s role had been expanded. “The company I worked for had to lay off 100 people because all the work dried up. But with Scotty Cam doing more social media posts about the industry, the future’s looking pretty rosy”.
Morrison sad Cam – who will be working from home – knew better than most how to make a go of it in the building industry. “What he’s shown is that if you get a trade, quit to become the host of a reality TV show, and then land an overpaid part-time government ambassador gig, you really can weather the ups and downs of the building industry”.


theshovel--2020-04-07--Pell Back In Prison After Being Caught Eating A Kebab In A Park

George Pell is back behind bars tonight after being busted eating a late-night snack in public .
Pell , who used a legal technicality to successfully appeal allegations of child-rape and the systematic cover-up of child sex abuse , couldn ’ t escape Victoria ’ s tough stay-at-home laws .
Cardinal Pell – 78 – was released from Barwon Prison yesterday afternoon and decided to get some food and fresh air in a nearby park .
He was arrested moments later .
Detective Sergeant Ian Bensworth of Victoria Police said Mr Pell – who oversaw the Catholic Church during periods @ @ @ @ @ @ @ consequences – had committed a serious crime .
“ We take the eating of a fast-food product in a public area very , very seriously , ” he said .
“ Quite simply , he is a danger to the community .
Who knows how many people he ’ s impacted .
We can ’ t have people like this on our streets .
“ These laws are in place for a reason , and our legal system needs to be respected ” .
Pell says he will spend as much of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ necessary to appeal the case .
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George Pell is back behind bars tonight after being busted eating a late-night snack in public.
Pell, who used a legal technicality to successfully appeal allegations of child-rape and the systematic cover-up of child sex abuse, couldn’t escape Victoria’s tough stay-at-home laws.
Cardinal Pell – 78 – was released from Barwon Prison yesterday afternoon and decided to get some food and fresh air in a nearby park. He was arrested moments later.
Detective Sergeant Ian Bensworth of Victoria Police said Mr Pell – who oversaw the Catholic Church during periods of horrific abuse but has never faced consequences – had committed a serious crime.
“We take the eating of a fast-food product in a public area very, very seriously,” he said.
“Quite simply, he is a danger to the community. Who knows how many people he’s impacted. We can’t have people like this on our streets.
“These laws are in place for a reason, and our legal system needs to be respected”.
Pell says he will spend as much of the Catholic congregation’s money as is necessary to appeal the case.


theshovel--2020-04-07--Easter Bunny To Come To Australia Via Cruise Ship To Avoid Lockdown Rules

Worried that he may not be able to do his normal Easter deliveries due to the shutdown of Australia ’ s borders , the Easter Bunny has decided to hire a cruise ship instead , and sail right into Sydney Harbour unencumbered .
“ I thought with the whole Covid thing I might struggle getting into the country .
But by coming on a cruise liner I can sidestep all of that , ” the bunny told journalists today .
“ It actually makes the whole process easier than usual .
Normally I have to fly into an airport and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ But by taking a cruise ship , I can just hop straight off onto Circular Quay , do a spot of shopping , and then go from there .
I wish I ’ d thought of it earlier actually ” .
He said the Government ’ s ‘ tough on borders ’ policies had made things more difficult for him in recent years .
“ It can be hard getting into Australia , for sure .
Particularly when you ’ re a foreigner .
Especially when you ’ re brown , like I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been such strong talk about stopping boats in Australia and I was always scared off by that campaign ‘ If you come to Australia by boat you ’ ll never be allowed back into the country ’ .
But I ’ d never seen the campaign ‘ If you come to Australia on a cruise liner you can walk right in , no questions asked ’ .
It certainly makes my job easier ” .
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Worried that he may not be able to do his normal Easter deliveries due to the shutdown of Australia’s borders, the Easter Bunny has decided to hire a cruise ship instead, and sail right into Sydney Harbour unencumbered.
“I thought with the whole Covid thing I might struggle getting into the country. But by coming on a cruise liner I can sidestep all of that,” the bunny told journalists today.
“It actually makes the whole process easier than usual. Normally I have to fly into an airport and then go through security and immigration. But by taking a cruise ship, I can just hop straight off onto Circular Quay, do a spot of shopping, and then go from there. I wish I’d thought of it earlier actually”.
He said the Government’s ‘tough on borders’ policies had made things more difficult for him in recent years.
“It can be hard getting into Australia, for sure. Particularly when you’re a foreigner. Especially when you’re brown, like I am.
“There’s always been such strong talk about stopping boats in Australia and I was always scared off by that campaign ‘If you come to Australia by boat you’ll never be allowed back into the country’. But I’d never seen the campaign ‘If you come to Australia on a cruise liner you can walk right in, no questions asked’. It certainly makes my job easier”.


theshovel--2020-04-07--BREAKING: Virus Released Into Community

BREAKING: Virus Released Into Community

Authorities are warning people to stay indoors after a nasty virus was released into the community today .
The outbreak @ @ @ @ @ epidemic known as ‘ The Catholic Church ’ or TCC , a dangerous infection that @ @ @ @ @ s wellbeing .
Many thousands of people have already been infected , with the negative @ @ @ @ @ young people .
“ We ’ ve seen a surge in cases over recent years @ @ @ @ @ that only a small number of them are being reported , ” authorities said .
@ @ @ @ @ flatten the curve and reduce the number of new outbreaks , but TCC is a @ @ @ @ @ ’ s just say it isn ’ t very cooperative ” .
Experts have told @ @ @ @ @ “ Please stay at home , only come out if you have to , and @ @ @ @ @ Become a Shovel member .
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Authorities are warning people to stay indoors after a nasty virus was released into the community today.
The outbreak is part of a broader epidemic known as ‘The Catholic Church’ or TCC, a dangerous infection that can seriously affect people’s wellbeing. Many thousands of people have already been infected, with the negative impacts said to disproportionately affect young people.
“We’ve seen a surge in cases over recent years, but our fear is that only a small number of them are being reported,” authorities said.
“We are trying to flatten the curve and reduce the number of new outbreaks, but TCC is a very savvy virus. Let’s just say it isn’t very cooperative”.
Experts have told people to use caution. “Please stay at home, only come out if you have to, and wash your hands”.


theshovel--2020-04-07--REPORT: We Created An Exponential Graph Because That’s What People Seem To Be Into Right Now

We ’ ve created a graph that starts off horizontally but then kicks right up so it ’ s almost @ @ @ @ @ of thing is really popular right now .
A spokesperson said it was a reflection @ @ @ @ @ ongoing commitment to give readers what they want .
“ Usually at this time of @ @ @ @ @ a straight-line graph , or perhaps a pie chart .
But we ’ re seeing @ @ @ @ @ graphs right now , so we got straight to work on creating one of those @ @ @ @ @ there had been a lot of demand for a version of the graph the flattens @ @ @ @ @ “ We ’ re working on one of those right now ” .
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We’ve created a graph that starts off horizontally but then kicks right up so it’s almost vertical, because that kind of thing is really popular right now.
A spokesperson said it was a reflection of The Shovel’s ongoing commitment to give readers what they want. “Usually at this time of year we’d release a straight-line graph, or perhaps a pie chart. But we’re seeing really strong interest in exponential graphs right now, so we got straight to work on creating one of those”.
The spokesperson said there had been a lot of demand for a version of the graph the flattens off at the end. “We’re working on one of those right now”.


theshovel--2020-04-07--Man Who’s Having An Affair Is ‘Going Out To Get Some Exercise’ Again

Unable to use the normal excuse that he would be working late or had an important client function to go to , Sydney man Michael Ingles today told his wife he was ‘ going out for a 2-hour jog ’ for the seventh time this week .
Ingles – who claimed he always ran with cologne on so as not to be off-putting to fellow runners – said it was important to look good when exercising .
“ A lot of people think it ’ s strange to run in skinny jeans and an ironed shirt , but you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when you ’ re on the track , ” he said .
He said he didn ’ t wear his wedding ring while running because his hands swelled up and it became uncomfortable .
Responding to his wife ’ s observation that he hadn ’ t seemed to lose any weight despite running 380km in the last fortnight , Ingles said these things take time and that he planned to run seven nights a week for at least the next six months , maybe more .
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Unable to use the normal excuse that he would be working late or had an important client function to go to, Sydney man Michael Ingles today told his wife he was ‘going out for a 2-hour jog’ for the seventh time this week.
Ingles – who claimed he always ran with cologne on so as not to be off-putting to fellow runners – said it was important to look good when exercising.
“A lot of people think it’s strange to run in skinny jeans and an ironed shirt, but you’ve got to look after your appearance when you’re on the track,” he said.
He said he didn’t wear his wedding ring while running because his hands swelled up and it became uncomfortable.
Responding to his wife’s observation that he hadn’t seemed to lose any weight despite running 380km in the last fortnight, Ingles said these things take time and that he planned to run seven nights a week for at least the next six months, maybe more.


theshovel--2020-04-06--“Go On, Off You Fuck”, Queen Tells Coronavirus

Covid-19 can go and eat a bag of dicks , the Queen has said in a rare speech to the @ @ @ @ @ , off you fuck , ” the Queen told the virus in her inspiring televised @ @ @ @ @ given comfort to millions of people around the world who were struggling to make sense @ @ @ @ @ What a pathetic little piece of shit you are , ” she said .
“ @ @ @ @ @ Toddle off .
Off you go .
Fuck off .
All the way off .
@ @ @ @ @ re done with you now .
The adults will take over from here , ” @ @ @ @ @ said we had faced challenges before .
“ You ’ re not special .
No-one @ @ @ @ @ you ’ re gone .
You know where the door is .
We won ’ @ @ @ @ @ Go on , jog on ” .
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Covid-19 can go and eat a bag of dicks, the Queen has said in a rare speech to the nation.
“Go on, off you fuck,” the Queen told the virus in her inspiring televised address.
The speech has given comfort to millions of people around the world who were struggling to make sense of the virus.
“What a pathetic little piece of shit you are,” she said. “That’s right. Toddle off. Off you go. Fuck off. All the way off. Keep going. We’re done with you now. The adults will take over from here,” she said.
The Queen said we had faced challenges before. “You’re not special. No-one will give a shit when you’re gone. You know where the door is. We won’t miss you sweetheart. Go on, jog on”.


theshovel--2020-04-06--Learner Driver Let Off After Telling Police She Was A Hairdresser Driving To A Bootcamp-Themed Weddi

Learner Driver Let Off After Telling Police She Was A Hairdresser Driving To A Bootcamp-Themed Wedding In A Food Court

A 17 year-old Learner driver from Victoria has been told she no longer has to pay a $ 1600 fine @ @ @ @ @ after convincing police she was performing the essential service of cutting hair at a bootcamp-themed @ @ @ @ @ court .
Police said in a statement that had they had initially thought the school @ @ @ @ @ drive with her mother .
“ Our initial assessment was that the young woman had @ @ @ @ @ to sit in an enclosed space with a close family member and learn a life @ @ @ @ @ further investigation we discovered that she was actually just going to a busy shopping centre @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Once we realised that – and after learning that the wedding included a @ @ @ @ @ wet ” bootcamp – we were convinced that she was no threat to the general @ @ @ @ @ she was providing an essential service ” .
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A 17 year-old Learner driver from Victoria has been told she no longer has to pay a $1600 fine for breaching coronavirus restrictions, after convincing police she was performing the essential service of cutting hair at a bootcamp-themed wedding at a Frankston food court.
Police said in a statement that had they had initially thought the school student was learning how to drive with her mother.
“Our initial assessment was that the young woman had made the totally irresponsible decision to sit in an enclosed space with a close family member and learn a life skill.
“But after further investigation we discovered that she was actually just going to a busy shopping centre to cut strangers’ hair.
“Once we realised that – and after learning that the wedding included a “sweat ‘till you’re wet” bootcamp – we were convinced that she was no threat to the general public, and in fact she was providing an essential service”.


theshovel--2020-04-02--SEALED SECTION!! Eleven Photos Of Crowded Places To Feast Your Eyes On!

← Previous Story China Begins To Lift Coronavirus Restrictions : Citizens Free To Go Back To Doing Whatever Government Tells @

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theshovel--2020-04-02--China Begins To Lift Coronavirus Restrictions: Citizens Free To Go Back To Doing Whatever Government

China Begins To Lift Coronavirus Restrictions: Citizens Free To Go Back To Doing Whatever Government Tells Them

In the first sign of a return to normality , Chinese Officials have begun to lift strict coronavirus-related restrictions and returned to ordinary , everyday totalitarian-related restrictions .
The changes mean that Chinese people – who have been strictly locked-down and monitored within their homes for months – will be free to go outside to be tracked and monitored there .
One government official said it was great to see things begin to return to normal .
“ For months now we ’ ve had to severely restrict people ’ s rights due to the coronavirus , so it ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ severely restricting their rights because we ’ re a tyrannical communist state .
“ Hundreds of factories and human rights have been shut down throughout the crisis .
It ’ s great to see the factories starting to open up again ” .
As Chinese people returned to the streets , the official said the government was pleased to have the dangerous threat under control .
“ It ’ s great to have the virus under control too ” .
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In the first sign of a return to normality, Chinese Officials have begun to lift strict coronavirus-related restrictions and returned to ordinary, everyday totalitarian-related restrictions.
The changes mean that Chinese people – who have been strictly locked-down and monitored within their homes for months – will be free to go outside to be tracked and monitored there.
One government official said it was great to see things begin to return to normal. “For months now we’ve had to severely restrict people’s rights due to the coronavirus, so it’ll be nice to go back to severely restricting their rights because we’re a tyrannical communist state.
“Hundreds of factories and human rights have been shut down throughout the crisis. It’s great to see the factories starting to open up again”.
As Chinese people returned to the streets, the official said the government was pleased to have the dangerous threat under control. “It’s great to have the virus under control too”.


theshovel--2020-04-02--Tony Lewis, Creator Of Duckworth-Lewis Scoring System, Dies Aged 78 (Or 26 Under The Duckworth-Lewis

Tony Lewis, Creator Of Duckworth-Lewis Scoring System, Dies Aged 78 (Or 26 Under The Duckworth-Lewis Method)

Former university lecturer Tony Lewis , famed for co-creating the Duckworth-Lewis scoring system for rain affected cricket matches , has died .
He was 78 .
Or 26 if you take into account that the second letter in his surname was ‘ e ’ and he had a holiday booked for next year .
Tributes flowed in from around the cricketing world , with many saying 78 was a good innings , especially if you consider rain was forecast for most of next week .
“ I think 28 or 29 would have been a fairer representation of his final @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the movement in the FTSE 500 this week .
But then again he did have six tins of tomatoes on hand in his pantry , so you have to take that into account , ” one fan said .
Others were stunned by the news .
“ It ’ s hard to make sense of , ” another cricket fan said .
“ Not his death , but the scoring system .
It literally doesn ’ t make any sense ” .
He has five family members remaining .
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Former university lecturer Tony Lewis, famed for co-creating the Duckworth-Lewis scoring system for rain affected cricket matches, has died. He was 78. Or 26 if you take into account that the second letter in his surname was ‘e’ and he had a holiday booked for next year.
Tributes flowed in from around the cricketing world, with many saying 78 was a good innings, especially if you consider rain was forecast for most of next week.
“I think 28 or 29 would have been a fairer representation of his final age, rather than 26, given the movement in the FTSE 500 this week. But then again he did have six tins of tomatoes on hand in his pantry, so you have to take that into account,” one fan said.
Others were stunned by the news. “It’s hard to make sense of,” another cricket fan said. “Not his death, but the scoring system. It literally doesn’t make any sense”.
He has five family members remaining.


theshovel--2020-04-02--The Black Death Was Widely Exaggerated, Andrew Bolt Says

Sky News commentator Andrew Bolt says the bubonic plague has been blown out of proportion .
The controversial commentator said the governments of the Middle Ages were reckless in shutting down their economies when only a third of the population died .
“ It was a massive over-reaction .
All of those stories at the time that said ‘ Fears that the plague could kill 50 % of the total population ’ , when in fact it was much lower – more like 30 % .
What a beat up , ” Bolt said .
“ The whole thing was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their houses , stopping trade and shutting down shops .
People were basically prisoners in their own homes .
A lot of people lost their jobs .
It totally changed society .
It definitely killed the economy ” .
He said modern governments tackling coronavirus could learn from the mistakes of those in the Middle Ages by doing much less to stop the spread of the disease .
“ If those governments back then hadn ’ t overreacted in shutting everything down , think how much stronger the economies of Europe would be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ member .
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Sky News commentator Andrew Bolt says the bubonic plague has been blown out of proportion.
The controversial commentator said the governments of the Middle Ages were reckless in shutting down their economies when only a third of the population died.
“It was a massive over-reaction. All of those stories at the time that said ‘Fears that the plague could kill 50% of the total population’, when in fact it was much lower – more like 30%. What a beat up,” Bolt said.
“The whole thing was devastating. Getting people to shut up their houses, stopping trade and shutting down shops. People were basically prisoners in their own homes. A lot of people lost their jobs. It totally changed society. It definitely killed the economy”.
He said modern governments tackling coronavirus could learn from the mistakes of those in the Middle Ages by doing much less to stop the spread of the disease.
“If those governments back then hadn’t overreacted in shutting everything down, think how much stronger the economies of Europe would be right now”.


theshovel--2020-04-01--Woman Working From Home Forced To Have Awkward Kitchen Conversation With Herself

Saying she missed having inane conversations with work colleagues she only vaguely knows , Sydney office worker Katie Schaefer has @ @ @ @ @ conversations with herself in her own kitchen , while she works from home .
“ @ @ @ @ @ ” Katie asked herself uninterestedly , as she popped her lunch into the kitchen microwave @ @ @ @ @ one , ” she replied pretending to look busy in the cutlery draw .
“ @ @ @ @ @ have those once in a while , ” she responded , looking over to the @ @ @ @ @ “ Oh , that smells amazing !
Leftovers ?
” “ Always tastes better the @ @ @ @ @ told herself , before laughing with herself .
Schaefer then asked herself if she was @ @ @ @ @ to which she replied ‘ Yes , so busy , you ?
’ ‘ Good @ @ @ @ @ she said , before walking back to her couch , putting on her headphones and @ @ @ @ @ Shovel member .
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Saying she missed having inane conversations with work colleagues she only vaguely knows, Sydney office worker Katie Schaefer has decided to strike up boring conversations with herself in her own kitchen, while she works from home.
“Plans for the weekend?” Katie asked herself uninterestedly, as she popped her lunch into the kitchen microwave.
“Just a quiet one,” she replied pretending to look busy in the cutlery draw.
“It’s good to have those once in a while,” she responded, looking over to the microwave, before saying, “Oh, that smells amazing! Leftovers?”
“Yes!” she responded.
“Always tastes better the day after!” she told herself, before laughing with herself.
Schaefer then asked herself if she was busy at the moment, to which she replied ‘Yes, so busy, you?’
‘Busy, busy’ she replied.
‘Good to be busy’, she said, before walking back to her couch, putting on her headphones and watching Netflix.


theshovel--2020-04-01--Bullshit Stories About Coronavirus Are Growing Exponentially, Worrying New Graph Shows

An alarming 146,251 ridiculous new opinions about coronavirus were confirmed in Australia yesterday , up from 122,023 the day before @ @ @ @ @ disturbing increase in the growth of bullshit stories , with current projections suggesting that the @ @ @ @ @ days .
Facebook is believed to be the epicentre of the outbreak , with twelve @ @ @ @ @ benefits of sipping water every fifteen minutes to avoid COVID-19 confirmed yesterday alone .
Authorities @ @ @ @ @ , with one spokesperson saying we needed to be calm .
“ Everyone just needs @ @ @ @ @ … and hold it for 10 seconds .
If this can be done without coughing @ @ @ @ @ is no fibrosis in the lungs and you don ’ t have coronavirus .
That @ @ @ @ @ of mine who works at a Brisbane hospital told me ” .
The USA currently @ @ @ @ @ bullshit measurement , although it is expected to overcome the issue by Easter .
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An alarming 146,251 ridiculous new opinions about coronavirus were confirmed in Australia yesterday, up from 122,023 the day before.
The graph shows a disturbing increase in the growth of bullshit stories, with current projections suggesting that the number is doubling every three days.
Facebook is believed to be the epicentre of the outbreak, with twelve thousand new stories about the benefits of sipping water every fifteen minutes to avoid COVID-19 confirmed yesterday alone.
Authorities are worried about the outbreak, with one spokesperson saying we needed to be calm. “Everyone just needs to take a deep breath … and hold it for 10 seconds. If this can be done without coughing then it shows that there is no fibrosis in the lungs and you don’t have coronavirus. That’s what a friend of mine who works at a Brisbane hospital told me”.
The USA currently leads the world on the bullshit measurement, although it is expected to overcome the issue by Easter.


theshovel--2020-03-31--When Is It Ok To Leave My House? Australia’s Coronavirus Restrictions Explained

Australians have been told not to leave their house unless it ’ s absolutely necessary .
So what is a @ @ @ @ @ , and what is off limits ?
We ’ ve explained some of the lesser-known @ @ @ @ @ coronavirus restrictions here .
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Australians have been told not to leave their house unless it’s absolutely necessary. So what is a permissible reason to go outside, and what is off limits? We’ve explained some of the lesser-known rules.
Read our other coronavirus restrictions here.


theshovel--2020-03-31--Morrison Acts Swiftly To Save Ansett From Total Collapse

Saying he wanted to get on the front foot before things got worse , Scott Morrison has announced a rescue @ @ @ @ @ Ansett , with the bail-out funds to be received as early as next year .
@ @ @ @ @ as recently as 2001 , but at a media conference today , Mr Morrison said @ @ @ @ @ and decisively to avoid further damage .
“ What we can ’ t do is @ @ @ @ @ to deteriorate .
Ansett made it clear just 19 years ago that it is in @ @ @ @ @ we ’ re immediately doing something about it now , ” he said .
“ @ @ @ @ @ I know a lot of other Australians do .
Having a strong second airline in @ @ @ @ @ important , which is why we want to avoid any further job losses from Ansett @ @ @ @ @ Shovel member .
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Saying he wanted to get on the front foot before things got worse, Scott Morrison has announced a rescue package for struggling domestic carrier Ansett, with the bail-out funds to be received as early as next year.
The airline has been struggling as recently as 2001, but at a media conference today, Mr Morrison said his government would act swiftly and decisively to avoid further damage.
“What we can’t do is just wait around for things to deteriorate. Ansett made it clear just 19 years ago that it is in trouble, which is why we’re immediately doing something about it now,” he said.
“I love Ansett, as I know a lot of other Australians do. Having a strong second airline in the Australian market is very important, which is why we want to avoid any further job losses from Ansett now”.


theshovel--2020-03-31--Busloads Of Tourists Are Travelling To Country Towns To Spread Conspiracy Theories, Mate’s Dad Says

A mate ’ s friend ’ s uncle ’ s dad said that busloads of tourists are travelling to his small country town , spreading conspiracy theories , and then leaving as quickly as they arrived .
“ I haven ’ t seen them myself , but apparently what ’ s happening is that these people – and I think they ’ re Chinese – are chartering busses from Sydney , travelling seven hours to Gundawoopi , getting off , spreading as many conspiracy theories as they can , then getting back on the bus and travelling back to Sydney @ @ @ @ @ @ @ disgusting .
Lock ‘ em up I say ” .
Asked if there was any photo evidence of the busloads of tourists , Johns said he hadn ’ t seen any , but that didn ’ t mean it didn ’ t happen .
“ It ’ s not like people just have cameras on them , ready to take photos at the drop of a hat .
So no , I haven ’ t seen photos , but you can ask Johnno ’ s uncle ’ s mate ’ s dad and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ He saw it with his own eyes .
Or his wife did ” .
With hundreds of country towns hit by the conspiracy theories , authorities are struggling to find the perpetrators .
“ They ’ re obviously very smart , because they haven ’ t left a shred of evidence , ” a police spokesperson said .
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A mate’s friend’s uncle’s dad said that busloads of tourists are travelling to his small country town, spreading conspiracy theories, and then leaving as quickly as they arrived.
“We’ve been inundated. It’s un-Australian,” Bruce Johns from rural Queensland told talkback radio.
“I haven’t seen them myself, but apparently what’s happening is that these people – and I think they’re Chinese – are chartering busses from Sydney, travelling seven hours to Gundawoopi, getting off, spreading as many conspiracy theories as they can, then getting back on the bus and travelling back to Sydney for seven hours. It’s disgusting. Lock ‘em up I say”.
Asked if there was any photo evidence of the busloads of tourists, Johns said he hadn’t seen any, but that didn’t mean it didn’t happen.
“It’s not like people just have cameras on them, ready to take photos at the drop of a hat. So no, I haven’t seen photos, but you can ask Johnno’s uncle’s mate’s dad and he’ll tell you himself. He saw it with his own eyes. Or his wife did”.
With hundreds of country towns hit by the conspiracy theories, authorities are struggling to find the perpetrators. “They’re obviously very smart, because they haven’t left a shred of evidence,” a police spokesperson said.


theshovel--2020-03-30--Man Working From Home Holds Useless 2-Hour Meeting With Himself

Saying he wanted to replicate the feeling of working from the office , Melbourne account manager Liam Hickey has set up a daily 2-hour meeting with himself , with no clear agenda or likely outcomes .
After exchanging a few superficial pleasantries with himself about what he had planned for the weekend , Hickey spent the remaining 110 minutes trying to impress himself with long words and meaningless suggestions .
“ We need to drive the strategic-focused optics on this solution and then circle back , ” Hickey said before repeating the same phrase , but louder and more slowly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tangent about needing to move the needle on operational efficiencies , Hickey suggested to himself that he take that offline and discuss it at a separate meeting , which he would set up for later in the day .
Towards the end of the meeting he began to make his first interesting suggestion before cutting himself off with a comment about an unrelated matter .
At the end of the meeting he spent ten minutes scheduling the next meeting , and then sent an email to himself with the key topics discussed , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a Shovel member .
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Saying he wanted to replicate the feeling of working from the office, Melbourne account manager Liam Hickey has set up a daily 2-hour meeting with himself, with no clear agenda or likely outcomes.
After exchanging a few superficial pleasantries with himself about what he had planned for the weekend, Hickey spent the remaining 110 minutes trying to impress himself with long words and meaningless suggestions.
“We need to drive the strategic-focused optics on this solution and then circle back,” Hickey said before repeating the same phrase, but louder and more slowly.
After going off on a twenty-minute tangent about needing to move the needle on operational efficiencies, Hickey suggested to himself that he take that offline and discuss it at a separate meeting, which he would set up for later in the day.
Towards the end of the meeting he began to make his first interesting suggestion before cutting himself off with a comment about an unrelated matter.
At the end of the meeting he spent ten minutes scheduling the next meeting, and then sent an email to himself with the key topics discussed, which he did not read.


theshovel--2020-03-30--Government To Fund Deficit By Selling 3.7 Billion ‘Back In Black’ Mugs

The Coalition says it will fund its $ 130 billion economic stimulus package by selling the remaining 3.7 billion ‘ Back in Black ’ coffee mugs it had made up after the last budget .
The $ 35 mugs were put on sale after Josh Frydenberg and Scott Morrison announced they had brought the budget into surplus next year , last year .
“ This is a sensible , economically responsible , costed plan that will allow us to stimulate the economy without going into deficit , ” Treasurer Josh Frydenberg said .
“ We ’ ve got a lot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pretty great mugs .
I ’ ll do two for $ 50 ” .
He said the difference between his government and Labor was that the Coalition always outlined how its spending would be funded .
“ During the GFC Labor never told us how it would fund its reckless spending .
Well , we ’ ve got a very clear , costed , coffee mug-based plan .
If every Australian simply buys 148 of these mugs we ’ ll be back in the black and back on track .
I can do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ today ” .
Prime Minister Scott Morrison said all of the mugs had been sold .
“ We ’ ve sold the mugs next year ” .
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Treasurer Josh Frydenberg has used his budget speech to announce that the government will fund its $130 billion economic stimulus package by selling the remaining 3.7 billion ‘Back in Black’ coffee mugs it had made up after the last budget.
The $35 mugs were put on sale after Josh Frydenberg and Scott Morrison announced they had brought the budget into surplus next year, last year.
“This is a sensible, economically responsible, costed plan that will allow us to stimulate the economy without going into deficit,” Mr Frydenberg said.
“We’ve got a lot to sell, but they’re pretty great mugs. I’ll do two for $50”.
He said the difference between his government and Labor was that the Coalition always outlined how its spending would be funded.
“During the GFC Labor never told us how it would fund its reckless spending. Well, we’ve got a very clear, costed, coffee mug-based plan. If every Australian simply buys 148 of these mugs we’ll be back in the black and back on track. I can do 3 for $60 if you buy today”.
Prime Minister Scott Morrison said all of the mugs had been sold. “We’ve sold the mugs next year”.


theshovel--2020-03-27--“America Is The Best At Coronavirus, It’s Incredible!”

“ America is winning at coronavirus , it ’ s incredible , ” the President has confirmed .
“ We have many , many , many cases of coronavirus .
More than China .
More than Italy .
More than anywhere in the world .
We ’ re doing very , very well .
Much better than Europe .
We are winning .
A lot of people – smart people – are saying it .
A very famous epidemiologist , who happens to be a very good friend of mine , is saying it .
“ We are a major @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
I know , because I have been very much involved in this for a long time , believe me .
“ The thing about coronavirus – my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer , Dr. John Trump at MIT ; good genes , very good genes , very smart , the Wharton School of Finance , very good , very smart .
“ And he said these are big numbers .
The media isn ’ t reporting it .
They don ’ t want to report it .
But @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when Obama was president – and it will get bigger ” .
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“America is winning at coronavirus, it’s incredible,” the President has confirmed.
“We have many, many, many cases of coronavirus. More than China. More than Italy. More than anywhere in the world. We’re doing very, very well. Much better than Europe. We are winning. A lot of people – smart people – are saying it. A very famous epidemiologist, who happens to be a very good friend of mine, is saying it.
“We are a major, major centre for this virus now. I know, because I have been very much involved in this for a long time, believe me.
“The thing about coronavirus – my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart.
“And he said these are big numbers. The media isn’t reporting it. They don’t want to report it. But this is big – much bigger than when Obama was president – and it will get bigger”.


theshovel--2020-03-26--Man Relieved That Company He Hasn’t Heard From In 5 Years Is Here For Him At This Difficult Time

Sydney man Jim Lecke says it ’ s a huge relief to know that an electronics retailer that he bought a charging cable from in 2015 is here to help him get through COVID-19 .
“ I ’ ve been overwhelmed by all the support I ’ ve received from all sorts of brands across the world – some who I ’ d totally forgotten about , ” Lecke said .
“ When you ’ re trying to get your head around feelings of hopelessness and despair as a global pandemic grips the world , it ’ s good to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t used since you were eight is on your side ” .
He said an online pet insurer that he accidentally signed up to eight years ago understands what he ’ s going through .
“ They said they know I ’ m probably feeling uncertain right now and that they ’ re going to get me through this whole thing and here ’ s a 20 % -off voucher .
“ I ’ ve lost my job and I ’ m worried that I might die , but at least I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ insurance company out there that ’ s thinking about me ” .
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Sydney man Jim Lecke says it’s a huge relief to know that an electronics retailer that he bought a charging cable from in 2015 is here to help him get through COVID-19.
“I’ve been overwhelmed by all the support I’ve received from all sorts of brands across the world – some who I’d totally forgotten about,” Lecke said.
“When you’re trying to get your head around feelings of hopelessness and despair as a global pandemic grips the world, it’s good to know that a multi-national bank you haven’t used since you were eight is on your side”.
He said an online pet insurer that he accidentally signed up to eight years ago understands what he’s going through. “They said they know I’m probably feeling uncertain right now and that they’re going to get me through this whole thing and here’s a 20%-off voucher.
“I’ve lost my job and I’m worried that I might die, but at least I know that there’s a global insurance company out there that’s thinking about me”.


theshovel--2020-03-26--Australia’s Coronavirus Restrictions Explained

There ’ s been some confusion over the recent coronavirus restrictions put in place by the Australian Government .
This simple list clears up any misunderstandings .
• Nail salons to close , except in East Brunswick and Chatswood .
Maximum 4 nails per consultation .
Except Sundays ( 3 nails ) • Weddings can go ahead but must only include the couple , the celebrant and your 3rd best friend from high school • Haircuts permitted as long as the hairdresser is standing at least 1.5 metres away ( 1.8m in NSW ) • Food courts are off limits @ @ @ @ @ @ @ McDonalds for an apple pie .
Maximum 3 apple pies per customer .
Five if it ’ s for a wedding • Take away once a week .
Twice if you ’ ve had a big week & you think you ’ ve earned it • All non-food markets to close , except Phil ’ s Motor Market in Newcastle • Public transport for essential workers only .
Everyone is an essential worker • Dinner parties are advised against , unless you ’ re holding a murder mystery themed dinner party in which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to remain open , except in Vic , NSW , Qld , WA , SA , Tas , ACT and NT A small favour to ask : It ’ s expensive having journalists stationed across the country , breaking the important stories of the day .
So it ’ s lucky we don ’ t do that .
But creating all of this relentless comedy does take time , and unfortunately you can ’ t pay for groceries with Facebook likes ( we tried , it was awkward ) .
So if you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ donating to The Shovel .
It costs as little as $ 3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee , or a sheet of toilet paper on the black market .
Click here .
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There’s been some confusion over the recent coronavirus restrictions put in place by the Australian Government. This simple list clears up any misunderstandings.
………….
Australia Coronavirus Restrictions
Nail salons to close, except in East Brunswick and Chatswood. Maximum 4 nails per consultation. Except Sundays (3 nails)
Weddings can go ahead but must only include the couple, the celebrant and your 3 rd best friend from high school
best friend from high school Haircuts permitted as long as the hairdresser is standing at least 1.5 metres away (1.8m in NSW)
Food courts are off limits, unless you’re going to McDonalds for an apple pie. Maximum 3 apple pies per customer. Five if it’s for a wedding
No sport whatsoever. Except bootcamps. (150 millilitre sweat-per-participant rule strictly enforced)
Take away once a week. Twice if you’ve had a big week & you think you’ve earned it
All non-food markets to close, except Phil’s Motor Market in Newcastle
Public transport for essential workers only. Everyone is an essential worker
Dinner parties are advised against, unless you’re holding a murder mystery themed dinner party in which case it’s illegal
Schools to remain open, except in Vic, NSW, Qld, WA, SA, Tas, ACT and NT
A small favour to ask: It’s expensive having journalists stationed across the country, breaking the important stories of the day. So it’s lucky we don’t do that. But creating all of this relentless comedy does take time, and unfortunately you can’t pay for groceries with Facebook likes (we tried, it was awkward). So if you enjoyed this article, you might consider donating to The Shovel. It costs as little as $3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee, or a sheet of toilet paper on the black market. Click here.


theshovel--2020-03-26--“We’re Going To Beat Coronavirus By Easter” Trump Tells Heaving, Jam-Packed Rally

Two thousand Trump supporters have squeezed into a local basketball stadium to hear the President reassure them that they ’ @ @ @ @ @ wrapped up within two to three weeks .
“ We ’ re going to beat @ @ @ @ @ ’ re going to beat it quickly , ” Trump told the heaving , sweating @ @ @ @ @ and high fived each other on hearing the news .
“ We ’ re doing @ @ @ @ @ A lot of people have told me that we ’ re the best in the @ @ @ @ @ as the crowd chanted ‘ USA !
USA !
’ , spit flying from their @ @ @ @ @ what the do-nothing Democrats think you should do ?
Nothing !
” he said to @ @ @ @ @ the occasional dry cough .
Many said seeing Trump on stage had been a life @ @ @ @ @ m breathless !
” one woman said .
“ Really quite breathless actually ” .
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Two thousand Trump supporters have squeezed into a local basketball stadium to hear the President reassure them that they’ll have this coronavirus thing wrapped up within two to three weeks.
“We’re going to beat this thing, and we’re going to beat it quickly,” Trump told the heaving, sweating mass of supporters who hugged and high fived each other on hearing the news.
“We’re doing all the right things. A lot of people have told me that we’re the best in the world,” he said as the crowd chanted ‘USA! USA!’, spit flying from their mouths.
“You know what the do-nothing Democrats think you should do? Nothing!” he said to roars of laughter, and the occasional dry cough.
Many said seeing Trump on stage had been a life highlight. “I’m breathless!” one woman said. “Really quite breathless actually”.


theshovel--2020-01-07--Clear Link Between Craig Kelly And Total F*#king Stupidity, Scientists Claim

An overwhelming proportion of scientists now accept that Liberal MP Craig Kelly is a fucking idiot , new analysis shows .
Experts have suspected the link for years , but say a recent interview on British television put the association beyond doubt .
“ People in Australia have known this for years .
If you look at the evidence , if you look at the signs , it ’ s undeniable , and it ’ s getting worse over time , ” one researcher said .
Kelly has denied the link , saying the way he acts today is exactly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ decades .
“ This is simply the natural way of things , this is nothing new ” .
Scientists have called on Kelly to stop providing new evidence , saying they have everything they need and are becoming overwhelmed with new data .
“ We ’ ve settled this now .
It ’ s been tested , it ’ s been peer-reviewed , so we don ’ t need any further samples ” .
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An overwhelming proportion of scientists now accept that Liberal MP Craig Kelly is a fucking idiot, new analysis shows.
Experts have suspected the link for years, but say recent evens have put the association beyond doubt. “People in Australia have known this for years. If you look at the evidence, if you look at the signs, it’s undeniable, and it’s getting worse over time,” one researcher said.
Kelly has denied the link, saying the way he acts today is exactly the same way he has acted for decades. “This is simply the natural way of things, this is nothing new”.
Scientists have called on Kelly to stop providing new evidence, saying they have everything they need and are becoming overwhelmed with new data. “We’ve settled this now. It’s been tested, it’s been peer-reviewed, so we don’t need any further samples”.


theshovel--2020-01-05--Morrison Launches New Ad Campaign To Apologise For Previous Ad Campaign

Scott Morrison has apologised to anyone who was offended by his bushfire-related advertisement , in a slick new advertisement released today .
In the new ad , Mr Morrison speaks directly to camera , addressing the concerns of the original commercial .
“ Many people have said it was inappropriate to use an advertisement to promote the Government ’ s significant achievements during these bushfires .
Achievements like extra funding for firefighters , new money for aircraft and equipment , and additional resources across the country .
“ If anyone was offended by the ad , in which we showed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and decisive action for the benefit of all Australians , then I apologise .
“ We all get things wrong sometimes , and when you consider how significant our plan for the bushfires is , then Labor and the Greens have certainly got it wrong this time ” .
Mr Morrison says that he accepts that the timing was wrong .
“ Now is not the time for grandstanding or self promotion ; now is the time to get to work .
And this Government has a long and successful track record of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all Australians ” .
Mr Morrison ends by explaining that a new multi-million dollar advertising campaign was the best way to address the concerns of the original ad .
“ I literally don ’ t know any other way to communicate than through marketing , so we were left with no other option.
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Scott Morrison has apologised to anyone who was offended by his bushfire-related advertisement, in a slick new advertisement released today.
In the new ad, Mr Morrison speaks directly to camera, addressing the concerns of the original commercial.
“Many people have said it was inappropriate to use an advertisement to promote the Government’s significant achievements during these bushfires. Achievements like extra funding for firefighters, new money for aircraft and equipment, and additional resources across the country.
“If anyone was offended by the ad, in which we showed how this Coalition government is taking strong and decisive action for the benefit of all Australians, then I apologise.
“We all get things wrong sometimes, and when you consider how significant our plan for the bushfires is, then Labor and the Greens have certainly got it wrong this time”.
Mr Morrison says that he accepts that the timing was wrong. “Now is not the time for grandstanding or self promotion; now is the time to get to work. And this Government has a long and successful track record of getting down to work and delivering for all Australians”.
Mr Morrison ends by explaining that a new multi-million dollar advertising campaign was the best way to address the concerns of the original ad. “I literally don’t know any other way to communicate than through marketing, so we were left with no other option.”
——
With Paul Dovas
Tickets to our brand new live show are now on sale!


theshovel--2020-01-04--ScoMo Brought Into Australian Test Team After Producing World-Class Spin

Nathan Lyon will make way for Scott Morrison in Australia ’ s test line-up , after the Prime Minister proved @ @ @ @ @ bigger and more consistent spin .
Chairman of Selectors Trevor Hohns said that while it @ @ @ @ @ ’ s most successful off-spinner , the sheer amount of spin Morrison is able to @ @ @ @ @ with no choice .
“ The amount of spin we ’ re seeing is bigger @ @ @ @ @ his heyday ; it ’ s prodigious .
The way he creates something out of @ @ @ @ @ ” Hohns said .
“ Bowling someone around their legs from a metre outside leg @ @ @ @ @ But to fuck off on holiday to Hawaii for a week in the middle of @ @ @ @ @ somehow take credit for the government response two weeks later is something else ” .
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Nathan Lyon will make way for Scott Morrison in Australia’s test line-up, after the Prime Minister proved to selectors he could deliver bigger and more consistent spin.
Chairman of Selectors Trevor Hohns said that while it was difficult to drop Australia’s most successful off-spinner, the sheer amount of spin Morrison is able to generate left the selection panel with no choice.
“The amount of spin we’re seeing is bigger even that Shane Warne in his heyday; it’s prodigious. The way he creates something out of nothing is just amazing,” Hohns said.
“Bowling someone around their legs from a metre outside leg stump is one thing. But to fuck off on holiday to Hawaii for a week in the middle of a bushfire crisis and then somehow take credit for the government response two weeks later is something else”.


theshovel--2020-01-04--Firefighters Given Vital Extra TV Commercials To Help Fight New Blazes

Firefighters were breathing a sigh of relief tonight after learning the Federal government had fast-tracked essential new propaganda ads , which will be used to help control fires across the country .
This is in addition to the millions of thoughts and prayers already committed to the firefighting efforts .
With thousands of properties lost and the human toll mounting , communities were relieved that they finally had a 60-second Liberal Party hype reel to help contain the blazes .
“ We ’ ve been asking for extra marketing for weeks , so I ’ m just glad it ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ regional NSW said .
“ Fire equipment is great , but not as good as a partisan political advertisement with an up-beat catchy jingle .
It really gets stuck in your head !
” Fire departments said the ad was just what they needed after months of struggling to deal with unprecedented fires .
“ We ’ ve been stretched to our absolute limit for a very long time now .
So to know that an ad agency has put together a slick new commercial with some colourful subtitles is a real relief @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ re donating 100 % of January sales of the Shovel Annual to the Red Cross bushfire appeal .
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Firefighters were breathing a sigh of relief tonight after learning the Federal government had fast-tracked essential new propaganda ads, which will be used to help control fires across the country.
This is in addition to the millions of thoughts and prayers already committed to the firefighting efforts.
With thousands of properties lost and the human toll mounting, communities were relieved that they finally had a 60-second Liberal Party hype reel to help contain the blazes.
“We’ve been asking for extra marketing for weeks, so I’m just glad it’s finally come,” Tony from regional NSW said. “Fire equipment is great, but not as good as a partisan political advertisement with an up-beat catchy jingle. It really gets stuck in your head!”
Fire departments said the ad was just what they needed after months of struggling to deal with unprecedented fires. “We’ve been stretched to our absolute limit for a very long time now. So to know that an ad agency has put together a slick new commercial with some colourful subtitles is a real relief,” a spokesperson said.
We’re donating 100% of January sales of the Shovel Annual to the Red Cross bushfire appeal. Get your copy.


theshovel--2020-01-03--Scomo Says The Nation’s Bushfire Situation Has Improved Today, With Australia 3 For 283 At Stumps.

Scott Morrison says the bushfire crisis gripping the nation is improving , with Australia making a solid start to the first day of the third test match in Sydney .
“ I think it ’ s fair to say we ’ re in control , ” Mr Morrison told journalists .
“ Half the nation is choking in smoke , but you ’ d have to agree that with 283 on the board with the loss of just three wickets we ’ re in a great position to take charge from here ” .
He rejected fears that the outlook @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I ’ d expect the pitch to be pretty flat again tomorrow – perfect for batting – but then break up a bit on days four and five , which will be great for Nathan Lyon .
So no , I ’ m not concerned at all ” .
The PM acknowledged there had been some heartbreaking losses , and said he understood people ’ s concerns .
“ Smith edging one to slip late on day one is a big loss , but I ’ m confident we ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our brand new live show are now on sale !
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Scott Morrison says the bushfire crisis gripping the nation is improving, with Australia making a solid start to the first day of the third test match in Sydney.
“I think it’s fair to say we’re in control,” Mr Morrison told journalists. “Half the nation is choking in smoke, but you’d have to agree that with 283 on the board with the loss of just three wickets we’re in a great position to take charge from here”.
He rejected fears that the outlook for the next few days looked ominous. “I’d expect the pitch to be pretty flat again tomorrow – perfect for batting – but then break up a bit on days four and five, which will be great for Nathan Lyon. So no, I’m not concerned at all”.
The PM acknowledged there had been some heartbreaking losses, and said he understood people’s concerns. “Smith edging one to slip late on day one is a big loss, but I’m confident we’ll rebuild from here”.
Tickets to our brand new live show are now on sale!


theshovel--2020-01-03--ScoMo Declares Empathy Training A Success After Totally Nailing Meet-And-Greet

Scott Morrison says the $ 190,000 he paid to hire an empathy consultant last year has paid dividends , after he effortlessly connected with locals in Cobargo at a media stop this morning .
An upbeat Scott Morrison said he felt a warm and genuine bond with the locals , who had responded to his new , empathetic approach .
“ I felt like we really connected .
Sure , I had to force a woman to shake my hand , but I did it in a really empathetic way ” .
He said his sessions with the empathy consultant @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people ’ s concerns .
“ They told me how they had lost their homes in the bushfires and I told them that sparks would be flying at the fifth test at the SCG .
We were very much on the same wavelength ” .
Morrison rejected claims that turning his back and walking away from a woman while she listed her concerns showed a lack of empathy .
“ Quite the opposite – I mean , I listened to her for a good three or four seconds before walking away , whereas @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have given her the time of day.
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Scott Morrison says the $190,000 he paid to hire an empathy consultant last year has paid dividends, after he effortlessly connected with locals in Cobargo at a media stop this morning.
An upbeat Scott Morrison said he felt a warm and genuine bond with the locals, who had responded to his new, empathetic approach. “I felt like we really connected. Sure, I had to force a woman to shake my hand, but I did it in a really empathetic way”.
He said his sessions with the empathy consultant had taught him to really listen to people’s concerns. “They told me how they had lost their homes in the bushfires and I told them that sparks would be flying at the fifth test at the SCG. We were very much on the same wavelength”.
Morrison rejected claims that turning his back and walking away from a woman while she listed her concerns showed a lack of empathy. “Quite the opposite – I mean, I listened to her for a good three or four seconds before walking away, whereas in the past I wouldn’t have given her the time of day.”


theshovel--2020-01-01--ScoMo Volunteers To Join Firefighters In Hawaii, After House Fire Breaks Out Near Waikiki

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has volunteered to join fire fighters in Hawaii , after a house fire broke out near Waikiki beach .
The fire – which has engulfed the entire kitchen area of the home – was still simmering this morning , leading the Prime Minister to book the next flight to Honolulu .
“ I want to help out in whatever way I can , and wherever I ’ m needed most .
And right now , that ’ s at a luxury holiday complex two streets back from Waikiki , ” Mr Morrison said .
The Prime @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would be staying next door to the complex , in order to be of immediate assistance .
“ The five star hotel next door is just metres from where the house-fire broke out , but that is the kind of risk he ’ s willing to take in order to ensure everyone is safe , ” a spokesperson said .
Mr Morrison clarified that while he would be assisting in fire-fighting efforts , he would not physically be holding a hose .
“ I won ’ t be able to hold a hose @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pina colada !
” he joked .
“ But seriously , I will be holding a pina colada , so it wouldn ’ t be appropriate for me to also hold a hose ” .
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Prime Minister Scott Morrison has volunteered to join fire fighters in Hawaii, after a house fire broke out near Waikiki beach.
The fire – which has engulfed the entire kitchen area of the home – was still simmering this morning, leading the Prime Minister to book the next flight to Honolulu.
“I want to help out in whatever way I can, and wherever I’m needed most. And right now, that’s at a luxury holiday complex two streets back from Waikiki,” Mr Morrison said.
The Prime Minister’s office confirmed Mr Morrison would be staying next door to the complex, in order to be of immediate assistance. “The five star hotel next door is just metres from where the house-fire broke out, but that is the kind of risk he’s willing to take in order to ensure everyone is safe,” a spokesperson said.
Mr Morrison clarified that while he would be assisting in fire-fighting efforts, he would not physically be holding a hose. “I won’t be able to hold a hose because I’ll be holding a pina colada!” he joked. “But seriously, I will be holding a pina colada, so it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to also hold a hose”.


theshovel--2020-01-07--Morrison Auctions Off Hawaiian Deck Chair For Bushfire Appeal

Moved by similar initiatives from ordinary Australians across the country , Scott Morrison has announced that he will auction off @ @ @ @ @ while the nation burned .
The PM said it was a difficult decision , given @ @ @ @ @ of fond memories for him .
“ I sat in that chair for six full @ @ @ @ @ nation I ’ d be on the next flight home .
Then I sat in @ @ @ @ @ hours , ” he said .
“ It gave me time to reflect on the @ @ @ @ @ .
And I ’ m pleased to say we won that test match very easily @ @ @ @ @ Asked for further detail , the Prime Minister ’ s office said he was never @ @ @ @ @ no way he could have sat in the chair .
All proceeds will go towards @ @ @ @ @ America .
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Moved by similar initiatives from ordinary Australians across the country, Scott Morrison has announced that he will auction off the chair he sat in while the nation burned.
The PM said it was a difficult decision, given the chair held a lot of fond memories for him. “I sat in that chair for six full days until I told the nation I’d be on the next flight home. Then I sat in the chair for another 36 hours,” he said.
“It gave me time to reflect on the huge challenge ahead for Australia. And I’m pleased to say we won that test match very easily in the end”.
Asked for further detail, the Prime Minister’s office said he was never in Hawaii so there was no way he could have sat in the chair.
All proceeds will go towards the upcoming bushfire season in America.
With Julian Buttigieg
The Anti-Experts Guide To Everything – 2020 National Tour ON SALE NOW


theshovel--2020-01-08--Parliament Approves Urgent Leave For Politicians Who’ve Had Their Holidays Cut Short

The federal government has granted an additional four week ’ s paid leave to all politicians forced to return early from overseas holidays to do their jobs .
“ Deposits have been lost , reputations have been destroyed , and dozens of bookings are in limbo as fires continue to burn in Victoria , New South Wales , South Australia , Tasmania , Western Australia , and Queensland .
This calls for immediate action , ” Scott Morrison told the press earlier today .
“ During this national crisis , our thoughts and prayers are with the politicians putting our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to help affected communities .
“ As someone who has made a career out of blowing smoke , I know how dangerous it can be to work in these conditions ” .
NSW Emergency Services Minister David Elliott , who holidayed in Europe while large fires burned across his state , echoed Mr. Morrison ’ s concerns .
“ We are facing an unexpected , dangerous situation requiring immediate action , and that ’ s just not something I anticipated having to deal with when I became Emergency Services Minister.
” Mr. Hurley @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s allies to fly in backup politicians while ours get some much-needed rest , as heartbreaking footage of politicians work tirelessly to look like they are helping fire-affected Australians continues to emerge .
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The federal government has granted an additional four week’s paid leave to all politicians forced to return early from overseas holidays to do their jobs.
“Deposits have been lost, reputations have been destroyed, and dozens of bookings are in limbo as fires continue to burn in Victoria, New South Wales, South Australia, Tasmania, Western Australia, and Queensland. This calls for immediate action,” Scott Morrison told the press earlier today.
“During this national crisis, our thoughts and prayers are with the politicians putting our emergency services in harm’s way to help affected communities.
“As someone who has made a career out of blowing smoke, I know how dangerous it can be to work in these conditions”.
NSW Emergency Services Minister David Elliott, who holidayed in Europe while large fires burned across his state, echoed Mr. Morrison’s concerns. “We are facing an unexpected, dangerous situation requiring immediate action, and that’s just not something I anticipated having to deal with when I became Emergency Services Minister.”
“We are facing an unexpected, dangerous situation requiring immediate action, and that’s just not something I anticipated having to deal with when I became Emergency Services Minister.”
Mr. Hurley also tabled the idea of asking Australia’s allies to fly in backup politicians while ours get some much-needed rest, as heartbreaking footage of politicians work tirelessly to look like they are helping fire-affected Australians continues to emerge.
By Vivienne Mitchell


theshovel--2020-01-08--Prince Harry Has Set Up A Freelance Ribbon-Cutting Business On Airtasker

The Duke of Sussex is available for all of your ribbon cutting needs , it has been revealed .
Prince @ @ @ @ @ profile last night , saying he was available for odd jobs , last minute ribbon @ @ @ @ @ projects .
“ No ribbon too big or too small , ” the profile reads @ @ @ @ @ years of experience and has a passion for the ribbon-cutting industry : “ I was @ @ @ @ @ ” the profile says .
He is also available for waving jobs , large and @ @ @ @ @ member .
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The Duke of Sussex is available for all of your ribbon cutting needs, it has been revealed.
Prince Harry set up his Airtakser profile last night, saying he was available for odd jobs, last minute ribbon emergencies and full-scale ribbon cutting projects. “No ribbon too big or too small,” the profile reads.
Harry says he has years of experience and has a passion for the ribbon-cutting industry: “I was born to do this,” the profile says.
He is also available for waving jobs, large and small.


theshovel--2020-01-08--Morrison Says Australia Will Not Join Iran Conflict, Given Australia Only Accounts For 1% Of World’s

Morrison Says Australia Will Not Join Iran Conflict, Given Australia Only Accounts For 1% Of World’s Military Spend

Scott Morrison says there is absolutely no point joining any military action against Iran , given Australia accounts for such a small percentage of the world ’ s total military force , and would therefore have a negligible impact .
The Prime Minister told a press conference today that Australia would only consider military action if China , Russia , India , France , Germany , Britain , South Korea and Japan followed America ’ s lead .
“ Our military spend is tiny , relatively speaking .
Sending troops to the Middle East might make us feel better , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
That ’ s why we didn ’ t send troops to Iraq or Afghanistan , ” he said .
He said there was no guarantee that there was even a link between military action and peace in the Middle East in the first place .
“ I ’ m all for stopping Iranian aggression , but spending billions of dollars on military action would simply be a drain on our economy for absolutely no return .
It ’ s not going to make an iota of difference .
“ Just because it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ earth , is not a reason to do it .
We ’ d be much better spending that money on other things ” .
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Scott Morrison says there is absolutely no point joining any military action against Iran, given Australia accounts for such a small percentage of the world’s total military force, and would therefore have a negligible impact.
The Prime Minister told a press conference today that Australia would only consider military action if China, Russia, India, France, Germany, Britain, South Korea and Japan silumtaneously followed America’s lead.
“Our military spend is tiny, relatively speaking. Sending troops to the Middle East might make us feel better, but it would make literally no difference. That’s why we didn’t send troops to Iraq or Afghanistan after September 11,” he said.
He said there was no guarantee that there was even a link between military action and peace in the Middle East in the first place.
“I’m all for stopping Iranian aggression, but spending billions of dollars on military action, when we don’t even know if it would work, is unwise. It would simply be a drain on our economy for absolutely no return. It’s not going to make an iota of difference.
“Just because it could potentially avert the annihilation of the earth, is not a reason to do it. We’d be much better spending that money on other things”.


theshovel--2020-01-09--Queen Announces She Is Also Leaving Royal Family

The Queen says she ’ s done , and will leave the Royal Family by the end of the week .
In a post on her Instagram account , Queen Elizabeth said that after 50 years of reflection and internal discussion she can ’ t stand another week propping up this ridiculous institution .
“ Fuck it , I ’ m done .
Absolutely , 100 % done .
I don ’ t even know why I ’ ve stayed around for so long with this bunch of weirdos .
My first son wants to be reborn as a tampon @ @ @ @ @ @ @ convicted sex offenders and doesn ’ t know how to sweat , and now my grandson wants to just fuck off to Canada like he ’ s on some kind of all-expenses-paid gap year .
You want some space do you ?
Have fun in your two bedroom flat in Toronto .
Don ’ t come crying to me when you want your forty room palace back .
I won ’ t be around , because I ’ m gone .
Out .
Of .
Here .
No , I won ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I won ’ t be sharing the details of my next exciting step ‘ in due course ’ , and no , I won ’ t be becoming ‘ financially independent ’ , whatever the fuck that means .
What I will be doing is having a bit of me time .
A cruise maybe .
A spa retreat perhaps .
Don ’ t @ me .
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The Queen says she’s done, and will leave the Royal Family by the end of the week.
In a post on her Instagram account, Queen Elizabeth said that after 50 years of reflection and internal discussion she can’t stand another week propping up this ridiculous institution.
“Fuck it, I’m done. Absolutely, 100% done.
I don’t even know why I’ve stayed around for so long with this bunch of weirdos.
My first son wants to be reborn as a tampon, my second son hangs around with convicted sex offenders and doesn’t know how to sweat, and now my grandson just fucks off to America like he’s on some kind of all-expenses-paid gap year.
You want some space do you? Have fun in your two bedroom flat in LA. Don’t come crying to me when you want your forty room palace back. I won’t be around, because I’m gone. Out. Of. Here.
No, I won’t be launching a charitable entity. No, I won’t be sharing the details of my next exciting step ‘in due course’, and no, I won’t be becoming ‘financially independent’, whatever the fuck that means.
What I will be doing is having a bit of me time. A cruise maybe. A spa retreat perhaps. Don’t @ me.
Goodbye.


theshovel--2020-01-07--Clear Link Between Craig Kelly And Total Fucking Stupidity, Scientists Claim


theshovel--2020-01-09--Man Worth $40 Million Hoping To Become Financially Independent

A British man worth around £30 million has announced plans to make it by on his own .
The man and his wife will be forced to scratch by on £5 million a year initially , but hope to soon get to a point where they ’ ll have some spending money too .
“ It ’ s scary cutting the apron strings , I ’ m not going to lie , ” the man said .
“ I ’ m literally starting out with only 30 million quid and a cottage in Windsor to my name .
But everyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ point and earn a crust – we ’ ll struggle through .
“ All I want right now is to be able to put a few roofs over our head and be able to employ enough staff to put food on the table ” .
He said he might still pop back home to get the washing done .
“ I ’ m not sure we ’ ll be able to afford our own washing servant straight away , so I might bring a load around once in a while ” .
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A British man worth around £30 million has announced plans to make it by on his own.
The man and his wife will be forced to scratch by on £5 million a year initially, but hope to soon get to a point where they’ll have some spending money too.
“It’s scary cutting the apron strings, I’m not going to lie,” the man said. “I’m literally starting out with only 30 million quid and a cottage in Windsor to my name. But everyone has to go it alone at some point and earn a crust – we’ll struggle through.
“All I want right now is to be able to put a few roofs over our head and be able to employ enough staff to put food on the table”.
He said he might still pop back home to get the washing done. “I’m not sure we’ll be able to afford our own washing servant straight away, so I might bring a load around once in a while”.
The Anti-Experts Guide To Everything – 2020 Australian Tour ON SALE NOW


theshovel--2020-01-09--Prince Harry Returns To Royal Family, After Trial At Starbucks Doesn’t Work Out

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will return to the royal family after Harry ’ s try-out at a Starbucks in Toronto didn ’ t lead to a second shift .
Local Starbucks manager Rob Barlow said Harry tried hard , but wasn ’ t quite what they were looking for right now .
“ Apart from not being able to make a coffee , use a till , clean a table , or empty the trash he was great .
I just think it was the cultural fit that wasn ’ t quite right , ” he said .
Barlow @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the word ‘ Subject ’ rather than the customer ’ s name on the coffee was also problematic .
“ We ’ re a little more customer-focused here .
And wearing a tuxedo and top hat on the first day was perhaps a little intimidating for our regulars ” .
Harry said the job had been harder than he had anticipated .
“ I just assumed there would be hired help to make the coffees .
I didn ’ t realise I ’ d be doing that myself ” .
The mood at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s return was described as ‘ awkward ’ .
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Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will return to the royal family after Harry’s try-out at a Starbucks in Toronto didn’t lead to a second shift.
Local Starbucks manager Rob Barlow said Harry tried hard, but wasn’t quite what they were looking for right now.
“Apart from not being able to make a coffee, use a till, clean a table, or empty the trash he was great. I just think it was the cultural fit that wasn’t quite right,” he said.
Barlow said Harry’s habit of writing the word ‘Subject’ rather than the customer’s name on the coffee was also problematic. “We’re a little more customer-focused here. And wearing a tuxedo and top hat on the first day was perhaps a little intimidating for our regulars”.
Harry said the job had been harder than he had anticipated. “I just assumed there would be hired help to make the coffees. I didn’t realise I’d be doing that myself”.
The mood at Buckingham Palace upon Harry and Meghan’s return was described as ‘awkward’.


theshovel--2020-01-09--Man Without Job To Step Back From Job

Man Without Job To Step Back From Job

A British man who doesn ’ t have a job will be taking a break , it has been confirmed @ @ @ @ @ consideration , the man – who has never worked – has decided to hang it @ @ @ @ @ recent holiday has given me time to reflect on the fact that I don ’ @ @ @ @ @ knew it was time to quit .
“ While many will be disappointed that I @ @ @ @ @ nothing , on the plus side , it will open up new opportunities for people @ @ @ @ @ nothing ” .
As per standard notice periods , the man will be required to @ @ @ @ @ nothing before he can quit .
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A British man who doesn’t have a job will be taking a break, it has been confirmed.
After much thought and consideration, the man – who has never worked – has decided to hang it up.
“My most recent holiday has given me time to reflect on the fact that I don’t do anything – I knew it was time to quit.
“While many will be disappointed that I will no longer be doing nothing, on the plus side, it will open up new opportunities for people to step up and do nothing”.
As per standard notice periods, the man will be required to spend four more weeks doing nothing before he can quit.


theshovel--2020-01-10--News Corp: “We Didn’t Delete The All-Staff Email Sent By A Disgruntled Employee. It Was Burnt By Ars

News Corp: “We Didn’t Delete The All-Staff Email Sent By A Disgruntled Employee. It Was Burnt By Arsonists”

A News Corp spokesperson says it simply isn ’ t true that the company deleted an explosive all-staff email from finance manager Emily Townsend that criticised the organisation ’ s bushfire coverage , and instead claims it was the work of arsonists .
“ Like most of the bushfires we ’ ve seen this season , this all-staff email was deliberately lit , deliberately destroyed , ” the spokesperson said .
“ I would point your attention to statistics I ’ ve misconstrued which clearly show that 88 % of all of the inconvenient emails deleted off our server have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ He said that the matter was made worse due to the Greens ’ policy of allowing emails to bank up without being cleared .
“ Due to their irresponsible policies this was always going to happen , ” he said .
He also denied there was a change in climate at News Corp offices following Townsend ’ s email .
“ There is absolutely no evidence of a change in climate here at all .
Any internal dissatisfaction is totally normal and has nothing to do with our recent coverage ” .
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A News Corp spokesperson says it simply isn’t true that the company deleted an explosive all-staff email from finance manager Emily Townsend that criticised the organisation’s bushfire coverage, and instead claims it was the work of arsonists.
“Like most of the bushfires we’ve seen this season, this all-staff email was deliberately lit, deliberately destroyed,” the spokesperson said.
“I would point your attention to statistics I’ve misconstrued which clearly show that 88% of all of the inconvenient emails deleted off our server have been the result of arson”.
He said that the matter was made worse due to the Greens’ policy of allowing emails to bank up without being cleared. “Due to their irresponsible policies this was always going to happen,” he said.
He also denied there was a change in climate at News Corp offices following Townsend’s email. “There is absolutely no evidence of a change in climate here at all. Any internal dissatisfaction is totally normal and has nothing to do with our recent coverage”.


theshovel--2020-01-12--Australia Asks Other Nations To Send Backup Politicians, To Help Deal With Bushfire Crisis

A contingent of emergency politicians from Canada , New Zealand and elsewhere will fly to Australia next week to help fill the enormous void of leadership in dealing with the nation ’ s bushfire crisis .
With many Australian politicians still away on holiday , and the remainder totally fucking inept , it is hoped that an injection of international expertise will help Australia formulate some kind of plan for dealing with current and future fires .
“ The Australian politicians were really caught by surprise by this bushfire season .
And fair enough too – apart from dozens of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ extended and more severe bushfire seasons starting in 2020 , there was no way to foresee this .
So they need all the help they can get , ” a spokesperson for the international contingent said .
“ Our hope is that if we can draw their attention to the fact that the country is on fire at the moment , they may be more prepared for the bushfire season next year .
Although that is a big task , so we ’ re being realistic about what we can achieve ” .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ burning across the country , Australians were grateful for the international support .
“ We ’ ll take whatever help we can get , ” one resident said .
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A contingent of emergency politicians from Canada, New Zealand and elsewhere will fly to Australia next week to help fill the enormous void of leadership in dealing with the nation’s bushfire crisis.
With many Australian politicians still away on holiday, and the remainder totally fucking inept, it is hoped that an injection of international expertise will help Australia formulate some kind of plan for dealing with current and future fires.
“The Australian politicians were really caught by surprise by this bushfire season. And fair enough too – apart from dozens of scientific reports released since 2007 that predicted extended and more severe bushfire seasons starting in 2020, there was no way to foresee this. So they need all the help they can get,” a spokesperson for the international contingent said.
“Our hope is that if we can draw their attention to the fact that the country is on fire at the moment, they may be more prepared for the bushfire season next year. Although that is a big task, so we’re being realistic about what we can achieve”.
With hundreds of political dumpster fires still burning across the country, Australians were grateful for the international support. “We’ll take whatever help we can get,” one resident said.
With Vivienne Mitchell


theshovel--2020-01-14--Craig Kelly Disputes Claim That Smoke Will Do Lap Of Earth, Reminding NASA That Earth Is Flat

Liberal backbencher and science whiz Craig Kelly says NASA ’ s claim that smoke from Australia ’ s fires will do a full lap of the earth is ‘ ridiculous ’ , pointing out that it ’ s impossible to ‘ lap ’ a two dimensional object .
NASA scientists believe the smoke will travel entirely around the globe before returning to Australia from the west , but Mr Kelly says that claim is absurd .
“ We all know that the smoke will simply fall off the edge of the earth in a few days ’ time .
All @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” he said .
“ It suits their spherist agenda to claim that the earth is round , but they ’ re yet to provide any compelling proof ” .
Mr Kelly said the evidence that the earth was flat was well known .
“ Ever looked at a map on a wall ?
Ever used Google Maps ?
They are entirely flat .
We can expect the smoke to fall off the edge of the ocean , just beyond New Zealand , before the end of the week ” .
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Liberal backbencher and science whiz Craig Kelly says NASA’s claim that smoke from Australia’s fires will do a full lap of the earth is ‘ridiculous’, pointing out that it’s impossible to ‘lap’ a two dimensional object.
NASA scientists believe the smoke will travel entirely around the globe before returning to Australia from the west, but Mr Kelly says that claim is absurd.
“We all know that the smoke will simply fall off the edge of the earth in a few days’ time. All NASA is doing is creating unnecessary panic,” he said. “It suits their spherist agenda to claim that the earth is round, but they’re yet to provide any compelling proof”.
Mr Kelly said the evidence that the earth was flat was well known. “Ever looked at a map on a wall? Ever used Google Maps? They are entirely flat. We can expect the smoke to fall off the edge of the ocean, just beyond New Zealand, before the end of the week”.
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theshovel--2020-01-13--Wanker Announces Plans To Reverse Into Shopping Centre Parking Space

A man at a local shopping centre car park has let it be known that he will be spending the next seven to eight minutes manoeuvring into a parking space backwards .
Waiting until there were as many people as possible to inconvenience , the man theatrically swerved his SUV into the middle of the parking lane , slammed the car into reverse , wrapped his arm around the passenger seat and then exaggeratedly turned the steering wheel with one hand , before slowly reversing back into a car park he could have successfully parked forward in five minutes ago @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sexually aroused .
“ There ’ s nothing hotter than watching someone guiding a medium-sized vehicle into a space between two white lines backwards , ” she said .
Another shopper said she hoped to get the man ’ s phone number .
“ Sure , he won ’ t be able to access the back of his car when he returns with his shopping , but why have convenience when you can have attention ” .
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A man at a local shopping centre car park has let it be known that he will be spending the next seven to eight minutes manoeuvring into a parking space backwards.
Waiting until there were as many people as possible to inconvenience, the man theatrically swerved his SUV into the middle of the parking lane, slammed the car into reverse, wrapped his arm around the passenger seat and then exaggeratedly turned the steering wheel with one hand, before slowly reversing back into a car park he could have successfully parked forward in five minutes ago.
Onlooker Jodie Lawson said she was sexually aroused. “There’s nothing hotter than watching someone guiding a medium-sized vehicle into a space between two white lines backwards,” she said.
Another shopper said she hoped to get the man’s phone number. “Sure, he won’t be able to access the back of his car when he returns with his shopping, but why have convenience when you can have attention”.