theshovel--2020-05-26--Australians Urge Queensland To Keep Border Closed Indefinitely

Australians have warmed to Queensland ’ s strict stance on re-opening its borders , saying the state should seriously consider staying shut on a permanent basis .
After initially criticising Queensland ’ s decision to remain closed until at least September , many people can now see the sense of the policy .
“ In times like these we need to be extra cautious .
For the health of all Australians , I think it ’ s best if we keep Queenlanders in Queensland , ” a spokesperson for the rest of Australia said .
“ After all the hard @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the last thing we would want is for a new case to cross into your state , or for one of your insane politicians to cross into ours ” .
The spokesperson said everyone had to remain diligent .
“ We ’ ve seen before how quickly this can spread .
You let Pauline Hanson into your state for one minute and before you know it she ’ s running for a seat in the NSW Legislative Assembly .
We need to keep on top of this ” .
The ongoing closure @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Gold Coast would be closed – another benefit of the proposal .
Correction : The picture associated with this article suggests that George Christensen lives in Queensland .
He lives in Manila .
We apologise for any misunderstanding .

After Annastacia Palaszczuk’s warning Queensland’s borders may remain closed after the state reaches an 80% vaccination target, many Australians in other states are now seeing the sense of the policy.
“In times like these we need to be extra cautious. For the health of all Australians, I think it’s best if we keep Queenlanders in Queensland,” a spokesperson for the rest of Australia said.
“After all the hard work Queensland has done to contain coronavirus, the last thing we would want is for a new case to cross into your state, or for one of your insane politicians to cross into ours”.
The spokesperson said everyone had to remain diligent. “We’ve seen before how quickly this can spread. You let Pauline Hanson into your state for one minute and before you know it she’s running for a seat in the NSW Legislative Assembly. We need to keep on top of this”.
The ongoing closure would mean tourist locations such as the Gold Coast would be closed – another benefit of the proposal.
Correction: The picture associated with this article suggests that George Christensen lives in Queensland. He lives in Manila. We apologise for any misunderstanding.


theshovel--2020-05-28--Twitter has hired a dedicated team to fact-check Donald Trump’s tweets and the unemployment rate in

Twitter has hired a dedicated team to fact-check Donald Trump’s tweets and the unemployment rate in America is now zero

Following its announcement that it would start fact-checking Donald Trump ’ s tweets , Twitter has put together a crack @ @ @ @ @ and scrutineers to dissect and verify each of the President ’ s claims .
The @ @ @ @ @ ’ s unemployment rate is now 0 % , down from 14.7 % .
“ @ @ @ @ @ to get through , ” a spokesperson from Twitter said .
“ We have one @ @ @ @ @ work out what Obamagate is ” .
He said just today Trump had twice tweeted @ @ @ @ @ LIKE SMALL POTATOES !
’ “ So once we work out what Obamagate actually is @ @ @ @ @ have a separate team analysing whether the claim that it makes Watergate look like small @ @ @ @ @ could be medium sized potatoes , or maybe another vegetable entirely .
You can see @ @ @ @ @ .
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Following its announcement that it would start fact-checking Donald Trump’s tweets, Twitter has put together a crack team of 23 million analysts and scrutineers to dissect and verify each of the President’s claims.
The hiring boom means the country’s unemployment rate is now 0%, down from 14.7%.
“There’s a lot to get through,” a spokesperson from Twitter said. “We have one million people just trying to work out what Obamagate is”.
He said just today Trump had twice tweeted ‘OBAMAGATE MAKES WATERGATE LOOK LIKE SMALL POTATOES!’
“So once we work out what Obamagate actually is, we’ll then have a separate team analysing whether the claim that it makes Watergate look like small potatoes is correct. It could be medium sized potatoes, or maybe another vegetable entirely. You can see how difficult this is”.


theshovel--2020-05-28--Mark Zuckerberg – Dead At 36 – Says Social Media Sites Should Not Fact Check Posts

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg – who died of coronavirus in his Californian home today – says it is not Facebook ’ s role to be the arbiter of truth for everything people post online .
The billionaire tech whiz , who tested positive to COVID-19 last week before being admitted to hospital on Sunday , said Facebook had a very different view to Twitter , which recently started fact-checking President Trump ’ s tweets .
“ In general , private companies probably shouldn ’ t be in the position of doing that , ” Zuckerberg – whose funeral will be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ interview with Fox News .
As tributes flowed in from across the world , Zuckerberg – who lists Adolf Hitler amongst his heroes – said people had a right to hear a range of views and that censorship was anti-democratic .
He is survived by his eight children and three wives .
Authorities say the incest charges against him will now be dropped .
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Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg – who died of coronavirus in his Californian home today – says it is not Facebook’s role to be the arbiter of truth for everything people post online.
The billionaire tech whiz, who tested positive to COVID-19 last week before being admitted to hospital on Sunday, said Facebook had a very different view to Twitter, which recently started fact-checking President Trump’s tweets.
“In general, private companies probably shouldn’t be in the position of doing that,” Zuckerberg – whose funeral will be held next week – said in an interview with Fox News.
As tributes flowed in from across the world, Zuckerberg – who lists Adolf Hitler amongst his heroes – said people had a right to hear a range of views and that censorship was anti-democratic.
He is survived by his eight children and three wives. Authorities say the incest charges against him will now be dropped.
Did you know? Paying for investigative journalists to report from all corners of the country is expensive. Luckily we don’t do that. Still, things like website hosting and eating do cost money. So if you liked this article, consider chipping in. Donate


theshovel--2020-05-28--Trump Resigns From Presidency To Become Full-Time Writer For Sarah Cooper

Donald Trump has resigned from his position as President to devote more time to creating material for comedian Sarah Cooper @ @ @ @ @ enjoyed huge success in recent weeks with their quirky online videos about injecting disinfectant , @ @ @ @ @ the meaning of per-capita .
In one hilarious slapstick routine – written by Trump – @ @ @ @ @ difference between the meaning of testing positive and testing negative .
“ He ’ s @ @ @ @ @ comedy and he ’ s decided to take it on full time , ” a @ @ @ @ @ “ They make a great team and Donald has decided that he wants to concentrate @ @ @ @ @ full time ” .
But fans say Mr Trump could have continued to manage both @ @ @ @ @ he could ’ ve still performed his role as president while creating great comedy content @ @ @ @ @ .
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Donald Trump has resigned from his position as President to devote more time to creating material for comedian Sarah Cooper.
The comedy duo have enjoyed huge success in recent weeks with their quirky online videos about injecting disinfectant, taking hydroxychloroquine and not understanding the meaning of per-capita.
In one hilarious slapstick routine – written by Trump – there is confusion about the difference between the meaning of testing positive and testing negative for coronavirus.
“He’s clearly got a knack for comedy and he’s decided to take it on full time,” a spokesperson for Trump said. “They make a great team and Donald has decided that he wants to concentrate on making content for Sarah without the distraction of being President”.
But some fans say the material is too far fetched. “The scripts are just too ridiculous. I know it’s comedy, but it needs to have some grounding in reality to work,” one commentator said.
Did you know? Paying for investigative journalists to report from all corners of the country is expensive. Luckily we don’t do that. Still, things like website hosting and eating do cost money. So if you liked this article, consider chipping in. Donate.


theshovel--2020-05-30--Triple J plays Centrelink Hold Music for eight straight hours to close out Requestival

Australian radio station Triple J today closed out their first ever ‘ Requestival ’ by playing the Centrelink Hold Music for its normal run time of eight hours .
Group programming director Richard Kingsmill said it was the most listened to song in the country right now .
“ The 8-hour cut is a little shorter than the version some people are used to , but it ’ s still a banger , ” he said .
This week the Jays have handed over the playlisting reins to their free-spirited-ironically-mulleted listeners and are witnessing just how far the general public @ @ @ @ @ @ @ its newfound liberties .
The public ’ s agenda was made clear when Alien Ant Farm ’ s cover of Smooth Criminal was given a spin early Monday morning and since then the descent to meme-ification has been steeper than anticipated with former WWE champion , and the star of the 2019 Hollywood blockbuster Blockers , John Cena , and 18th-century bad boy German composer , Ludwig Van Beethoven , both given airtime on Tuesday .
But it was at 9:05 am today that the plot well and truly fucked off as the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the morbidly bleak future of unattainable homeownership and unemployment facing Millennials was played for its usual run time of eight hours .
“ What an absolute tune right there , ” said host Tanya Ruckworth , who went on to say that it ’ s a track she ’ s heard “ many a time ” in her years spent balancing a communications degree at UTS and a job in hospitality .
“ It was requested by Tim , Sarah , Ellen , and Michael and it ’ s getting 65 % love @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” She added , leaving grave uncertainty over what the remaining 35 % of responses entailed .
The Australian Government retweeted the J plays tweet , adding that it was “ pretty stoked ” to finally get the red tick and was planning on releasing more new music “ soon.
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Australian radio station Triple J today closed out its first ever ‘Requestival’ by playing the Centrelink Hold Music for its normal run time of eight hours.
Group Programming Director Richard Kingsmill said it was the most listened to song in the country right now. “The 8-hour cut is a little shorter than the version some people are used to, but it’s still a banger,” he said.
This week the Jays have handed over the playlisting reins to their free-spirited-ironically-mulleted listeners and are witnessing just how far the general public is willing to push the limits of its newfound liberties.
The public’s agenda was made clear when Alien Ant Farm’s cover of Smooth Criminal was given a spin early Monday morning and since then the descent to meme-ification has been steeper than anticipated with former WWE champion, and the star of the 2019 Hollywood blockbuster Blockers, John Cena, and 18th-century bad boy German composer, Ludwig Van Beethoven, both given airtime on Tuesday.
But it was at 9:05 am today that the plot well and truly fucked off as the tin-can-classical-crackles that have become the soundtrack to the morbidly bleak future of unattainable homeownership and unemployment facing Millennials was played for its usual run time of eight hours.
“What an absolute tune right there,” said host Tanya Ruckworth, who went on to say that it’s a track she’s heard “many a time” in her years spent balancing a communications degree at UTS and a job in hospitality.
“It was requested by Tim, Sarah, Ellen, and Michael and it’s getting 65% love heart eyes on the Triple J app.” She added, leaving grave uncertainty over what the remaining 35% of responses entailed.
The Australian Government retweeted the J plays tweet, adding that it was “pretty stoked” to finally get the red tick and was planning on releasing more new music “soon.”
____________
By Brandon Jack


theshovel--2020-06-01--Australian man watching riots relieved he doesn’t live in a country with a shameful history of syste

Australian man watching riots relieved he doesn’t live in a country with a shameful history of systematic racism and violence against black people

An Australian man watching the riots unfold in America is just grateful he doesn ’ t live in a country where black people are targeted and die at the hands of police in disproportionate numbers when compared to the rest of the population .
Watching the news unfold from his Surry Hills apartment over the weekend , Sydney man Tom Walsh said what were were seeing in America made you grateful to live in Australia .
“ It ’ s just not something we have to even think about here ” .
He said what was unfolding in America was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the place .
“ This is a part of America ’ s history that they ’ ve never really come to terms with .
It goes back hundreds of years when you think about it .
There ’ s a real systematic problem there and it doesn ’ t seem to be getting much better ” .
He said the stats were alarming .
“ I heard this stat the other day that African Americans make up about 12 % of the population but something like a third of prisoners apparently .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ something fundamentally wrong with that ” .
Switching off the TV to go to bed , he said Australians were pretty lucky .
“ A lot of people don ’ t feel safe over there .
We ’ ve got it good ” .

An Australian man watching the riots unfold in America is just grateful he doesn’t live in a country where black people are targeted and die at the hands of police in disproportionate numbers when compared to the rest of the population.
Watching the news unfold from his Surry Hills apartment over the weekend, Sydney man Tom Walsh said what were were seeing in America made you grateful to live in Australia. “It’s just not something we have to even think about here”.
He said what was unfolding in America was inevitable, when you consider the history of the place.
“This is a part of America’s history that they’ve never really come to terms with. It goes back hundreds of years when you think about it. There’s a real systematic problem there and it doesn’t seem to be getting much better”.
He said the stats were alarming. “I heard this stat the other day that African Americans make up about 12% of the population but something like a third of prisoners apparently. Can you imagine? There’s something fundamentally wrong with that”.
Switching off the TV to go to bed, he said Australians were pretty lucky. “A lot of people don’t feel safe over there. We’ve got it good”.


theshovel--2020-05-31--Americans Starting To Get Tired Of All This Winning

Americans are not sure they can handle all of the winning that has occurred since Donald Trump became President , it has emerged .
From the moment Donald Trump became President in 2016 Americans have been subjected to an unyielding stream of winning which is starting to get monotonous .
“ I ’ ve lost my job , the economy is in freefall , there ’ s a virus that ’ s totally out of control , I can ’ t afford healthcare , cities are under siege , the police system is broken – it ’ s just win @ @ @ @ @ @ @ day after day after day .
It ’ s relentless , ” one supporter said .
He said Trump had been true to his word .
“ Trump did say , before he became President , that if we elected him we ’ d get sick of all the winning .
Well I ’ m definitely sick .
My mother ’ s sick too .
So is my brother .
“ I love all the winning but can we tone it down a little bit maybe ?
I ’ m not sure how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump said America was winning more than any other country in the world right now .
“ There ’ s been a huge outbreak of winning .
It really is tremendous , ” he said .
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Americans are not sure they can handle all of the winning that has occurred since Donald Trump became President, it has emerged.
From the moment Donald Trump became President in 2016 Americans have been subjected to an unyielding stream of winning which is starting to get monotonous.
“I’ve lost my job, the economy is in freefall, there’s a virus that’s totally out of control, I can’t afford healthcare, cities are under siege, the police system is broken – it’s just win, win, win, win, day after day after day. It’s relentless,” one supporter said.
He said Trump had been true to his word. “Trump did say, before he became President, that if we elected him we’d get sick of all the winning. Well I’m definitely sick. My mother’s sick too. So is my brother.
“I love all the winning but can we tone it down a little bit maybe? I’m not sure how much more I can take”.
Trump said America was winning more than any other country in the world right now. “There’s been a huge outbreak of winning. It really is tremendous,” he said.


theshovel--2020-06-01--A tip for protesters at the White House: If you say you’re called ‘The Coronavirus’ the President wo

A tip for protesters at the White House: If you say you’re called ‘The Coronavirus’ the President won’t do anything to stop you

The easiest way to break the security lines at the protests outside the White House is to say you ’ @ @ @ @ @ ’ , it has been revealed .
“ If the President is told that The @ @ @ @ @ , then he won ’ t do a thing to stop you , ” one @ @ @ @ @ “ You ’ ll literally be able to do whatever the fuck you want for @ @ @ @ @ asked .
After that he ’ ll say that he always knew that you were @ @ @ @ @ by that time you ’ ll have moved in and made the place your own @ @ @ @ @ source agreed with the advice .
“ If you say you ’ re part of @ @ @ @ @ ll have the run of the country .
But if you say you ’ re @ @ @ @ @ he ’ ll call in the army ” .
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The easiest way to break the security lines at the protests outside the White House is to say you’re called ‘The Coronavirus’, it has been revealed.
“If the President is told that The Coronavirus is on the loose, then he won’t do a thing to stop you,” one White House insider said.
“You’ll literally be able to do whatever the fuck you want for three weeks, no questions asked. After that he’ll say that he always knew that you were a major threat, but by that time you’ll have moved in and made the place your own”.
Another White House source agreed with the advice. “If you say you’re part of a global pandemic you’ll have the run of the country. But if you say you’re a group of black men he’ll call in the army”.


theshovel--2020-06-01--Republican Americans nostalgic for more peaceful time when protesters stormed government buildings a

Republican Americans nostalgic for more peaceful time when protesters stormed government buildings armed with semi-automatic weapons

Fed up with the growing violence in their streets , many Republican voters are wishing the George Floyd rioters could follow the lead of coronavirus lockdown protesters , who peacefully stormed the Michigan statehouse with semi-automatic rifles last month .
Republican voter Nancy Hambright said the black protesters showed no respect for other people and could take a leaf out of the lockdown protesters ’ book .
“ There ’ s a proper way to do this , and smashing windows and destroying property is not it , ” she said .
“ If you ’ ve got something you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you don ’ t need intimidate people in order to get your point across .
When we ’ ve got an issue , we politely overrun a state building armed with nothing more than our arguments and an arsenal of fully-loaded military-style weaponry ” .
One of the participants from last month ’ s anti-lockdown rallies said the most respectful thing was to start a dialogue .
“ That ’ s what we did .
We went right up to our elected officials – within an inch or so of their face – @ @ @ @ @ @ @ clearly what we wanted .
That ’ s how to do it .
“ I don ’ t even know what they ’ re fussing about anyway .
They ’ re worried about dying because of police brutality .
I couldn ’ t go to my local restaurant for four weeks ” .
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Fed up with the growing violence in their streets, many Republican voters are wishing the George Floyd rioters could follow the lead of coronavirus lockdown protesters, who peacefully stormed the Michigan statehouse with semi-automatic rifles last month.
Republican voter Nancy Hambright said the black protesters showed no respect for other people and could take a leaf out of the lockdown protesters’ book. “There’s a proper way to do this, and smashing windows and destroying property is not it,” she said.
“If you’ve got something you want to say, fine. But you don’t need intimidate people in order to get your point across. When we’ve got an issue, we politely overrun a state building armed with nothing more than our arguments and an arsenal of fully-loaded military-style weaponry”.
One of the participants from last month’s anti-lockdown rallies said the most respectful thing was to start a dialogue. “That’s what we did. We went right up to our elected officials – within an inch or so of their face – and courteously shouted very loudly and very clearly what we wanted. That’s how to do it.
“I don’t even know what they’re fussing about anyway. They’re worried about dying because of police brutality. I couldn’t go to my local restaurant for four weeks”.


theshovel--2020-06-01--US Medical Workers Are Signing Up As Police Offers So They Can Get Proper PPE

Doctors , nurses and other medical staff across America have been joining the police force in part time roles , @ @ @ @ @ protective equipment to treat coronavirus patients .
In one hospital in New York , a @ @ @ @ @ source scrubs joined the local police force and was immediately issued with full body armour @ @ @ @ @ ’ t have a proper face mask when I was treating coronavirus patients , but @ @ @ @ @ the force I ’ ve got a military-grade helmet and a protective shield , ” @ @ @ @ @ Another doctor who has ben unable to source an operating gown for treating patients now @ @ @ @ @ and back plates and side deflector shields .
He travels to work in a tank @

Doctors, nurses and other medical staff across America have been joining the police force in part time roles, so they can access proper protective equipment to treat coronavirus patients.
In one hospital in New York, a specialist who was unable to source scrubs joined the local police force and was immediately issued with full body armour.
“Previously I didn’t have a proper face mask when I was treating coronavirus patients, but now I’ve joined the force I’ve got a military-grade helmet and a protective shield,” doctor Elizabeth Falcony said.
Another doctor who has ben unable to source an operating gown for treating patients now has 9×12 ballistic grade front and back plates and side deflector shields. He travels to work in a tank.


theshovel--2020-06-01--US Medical Workers Are Signing Up As Police Officers So They Can Get Proper PPE


theshovel--2020-06-03--NRA Accidentally Forgets To Rise Up Against Tyrannical Government

An embarrassed National Rifle Association says it totally forgot to do the one thing it has been saying for years it is solely there to do .
“ Our whole reason for lobbying for looser gun laws and amassing huge personal arsenals of weapons these past years was so that we could ensure the security of a free state and protect the people from an oppressive government .
And then it actually happened , and the whole rising up against a tyrannical government thing just totally slipped our minds , which is a little embarrassing , ” a sheepish NRA @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the morale around the NRA has been pretty low .
“ The guys feel pretty silly .
We had our well regulated militia stocked up and ready to go , just waiting for the moment when the Government would turn on its own people .
And then the government started shooting protesters and rolling tanks down the street , and we were like ‘ guys this is the one we ’ ve been talking about , let ’ s go !
’ .
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An embarrassed National Rifle Association says it totally forgot to do the one thing it has been saying for years it is solely there to do.
“Our whole reason for lobbying for looser gun laws and amassing huge personal arsenals of weapons these past years was so that we could ensure the security of a free state and protect the people from an oppressive government. And then it actually happened, and the whole rising up against a tyrannical government thing just totally slipped our minds, which is a little embarrassing,” a sheepish NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre said.
He said the morale around the NRA has been pretty low. “The guys feel pretty silly. We had our well regulated militia stocked up and ready to go, just waiting for the moment when the Government would turn on its own people. And then the government started shooting protesters and rolling tanks down the street, and we were like ‘guys this is the one we’ve been talking about, let’s go!’. But then something else came up and we forgot to do it. Damnit!”.
Observers were shocked that the NRA had missed their opportunity to defend their country. “I can’t believe it,” one analyst said. “It’s almost as if they weren’t worried about the government at all. It’s as if they were actually just scared of black people”.


theshovel--2020-06-04--Australia Agrees To Send Troops To Support America’s Invasion Of America

Citing the two nations ’ close historic friendship , and Australia ’ s long history of supporting American military interventions , Scott Morrison has told Donald Trump that Australia will provide immediate support for America in its war against arch-enemy America .
“ I didn ’ t even let him finish his sentence , ” Mr Morrison told journalists today .
“ Donald said he was planning to go to war , and I said , ‘ You don ’ t even need to tell me who it ’ s with , we ’ re there with you .
Just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s yours .
“ That ’ s what mates do .
We were there shoulder-to-shoulder in Bagdad , we were there shoulder-to-shoulder in Kabul , and we ’ ll be there in – sorry just checking my notes here – we ’ ll be there in Washington DC too ” .
Critics were quick to denounce the announcement , saying it was yet another example of Australia signing up to a war it couldn ’ t win .
“ Once again , we ’ re off to help the US government invade @ @ @ @ @ @ @ plan for rebuilding it later , ” one foreign analyst said .
Australia will send 500 troops who will be stationed in a small shopping mall in New Hampshire .
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Citing the two nations’ close historic friendship, and Australia’s long history of supporting American military interventions, Scott Morrison has told Donald Trump that Australia will provide immediate support for America in its war against arch-enemy America.
“I didn’t even let him finish his sentence,” Mr Morrison told journalists today. “Donald said he was planning to go to war, and I said, ‘You don’t even need to tell me who it’s with, we’re there with you. Just tell us what you need and it’s yours.
“That’s what mates do. We were there shoulder-to-shoulder in Bagdad, we were there shoulder-to-shoulder in Kabul, and we’ll be there in – sorry just checking my notes here – we’ll be there in Washington DC too”.
Critics were quick to denounce the announcement, saying it was yet another example of Australia signing up to a war it couldn’t win. “Once again, we’re off to help the US government invade a poor, dysfunctional nation without any plan for rebuilding it later,” one foreign analyst said.
Australia will send 500 troops who will be stationed in a small shopping mall in New Hampshire.


theshovel--2020-06-04--Trump confirms that favourite part of Bible is when hungry caterpillar eats piece of chocolate cake

After being unable to name his favourite verse from the Bible earlier this week , Donald Trump has told reporters that he ’ s thought about it and it ’ s the bit when the very hungry caterpillar gets to eat all of the yummy food .
“ I needed some time to think about it , there are so many good verses , ” the President said .
But the chocolate cake verse is the verse I like the most .
It ’ s great .
That poor little caterpillar has to eat all of this terrible food like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ eats plums !
– just terrible .
And then on the next day , I think it ’ s a Saturday , he gets to eat cake , and ice-cream and cherry pie .
It ’ s tremendous .
It really is .
A lot of people love that part of the Bible too .
Maybe you should look into it ” .
The President said the Bible had a lot to teach us .
“ Jesus was a wonderful author – he really was wonderful .
And I think what he ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of people agree with me on this – is that ice-cream is yummy .
That ’ s the moral of that verse .
I think if we all spent more time reading it – and I ’ ve read it many , many times – we wouldn ’ t be in such a bad place right now ” .
Asked to name his favourite line from The Art of The Deal , Mr Trump said he hadn ’ t read it .
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After being unable to name his favourite verse from the Bible earlier this week, Donald Trump has told reporters that he’s thought about it and it’s the bit when the very hungry caterpillar gets to eat all of the yummy food.
“I needed some time to think about it, there are so many good verses,” the President said.
But the chocolate cake verse is the verse I like the most. It’s great. That poor little caterpillar has to eat all of this terrible food like strawberries and oranges and plums – who eats plums! – just terrible. And then on the next day, I think it’s a Saturday, he gets to eat cake, and ice-cream and cherry pie. It’s tremendous. It really is. A lot of people love that part of the Bible too. Maybe you should look into it”.
The President said the Bible had a lot to teach us. “Jesus was a wonderful author – he really was wonderful. And I think what he’s saying here – and a lot of people agree with me on this – is that ice-cream is yummy. That’s the moral of that verse. I think if we all spent more time reading it – and I’ve read it many, many times – we wouldn’t be in such a bad place right now”.
Asked to name his favourite line from The Art of The Deal, Mr Trump said he hadn’t read it.


theshovel--2020-06-04--HomeBuilder renovation grant to be capped at $12.50, not $25,000 as first advised, Frydenberg says

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg says that due to a miscalculation , the HomeBuilder grant for new homes and renovations will not be valued at $ 25,000 as previously advised , and will actually be capped at $ 12.50 .
In a statement today , Mr Frydenberg said he ’ d got his numbers a little bit muddled when typing everything into his calculator .
“ I get a bit confused about where the zeros go sometimes , and I think I might ’ ve pressed X2 on the calculator as well , ” he said .
“ But look , it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ need to readjust your renovation plans a tiny bit .
Maybe instead of upgrading the kitchen , you might want to think about getting some new plates .
Instead of that new bathroom you had in mind , it might be a new towel rail from Bunnings .
It ’ s basically the same , ” he said .
Mr Frydenberg said he didn ’ t know exactly how many households would receive funding , but he estimated it would be somewhere between 103 and 14 billion .
The government said anyone was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but only those in marginal Liberal-held seats would be considered .
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Treasurer Josh Frydenberg says that due to a miscalculation, the HomeBuilder grant for new homes and renovations will not be valued at $25,000 as previously advised, and will actually be capped at $12.50.
In a statement today, Mr Frydenberg said he’d got his numbers a little bit muddled when typing everything into his calculator. “I get a bit confused about where the zeros go sometimes, and I think I might’ve pressed X2 on the calculator as well,” he said.
“But look, it’s ok – you might just need to readjust your renovation plans a tiny bit. Maybe instead of upgrading the kitchen, you might want to think about getting some new plates. Instead of that new bathroom you had in mind, it might be a new towel rail from Bunnings. It’s basically the same,” he said.
Mr Frydenberg said he didn’t know exactly how many households would receive funding, but he estimated it would be somewhere between 103 and 14 billion.
The government said anyone was able to apply for the grant, but only those in marginal Liberal-held seats would be considered.


theshovel--2020-06-04--Tradie Says Cost To Install New Tap Will Be $25,000

The government has announced a $ 25,000 HomeBuilder renovations grant scheme and local plumber Josh Reece says it should cost @ @ @ @ @ in those new taps you bought .
Mr Reece said it was actually quite a @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve got to turn the water off , remove the current tap , screw @ @ @ @ @ turn the water back on , test it and then tighten it .
And that @ @ @ @ @ first tap , ” Reece said noting that these things were always more difficult than @ @ @ @ @ an official quote for the job , Reece asked if you could please just sign @ @ @ @ @ paper and then fill in the HomeBuilder application form online .
His next job – @ @ @ @ @ coincidentally also came it at $ 25,000 .
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A local plumber has quoted $25k to put in some new taps, warning it could be more if the removal of the old taps reveals there’s more work to be done than expected.
Writing out the quote on a piece of paper, he explained that these jobs were actually more complex than they seemed. “I’ve got to turn the water off, remove the current tap, screw in the new tap, turn the water back on, test it and then tighten it. And that’s just for the first tap”.
He advised the tap could be fixed at some point next October.
Shocked by the size of the quote, the homeowner immediately got a second quote from a different provider, which came in at $30k.


theshovel--2020-06-04--Covid-Conscious Protester Stays Home To Loot Online Stores Instead

Saying it was irresponsible to be out smashing store windows in the middle of a pandemic , Californian man Jerry @ @ @ @ @ home and smash up Amazon ’ s shopfront instead .
“ I ’ m all @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a virus out there man , ” Price said , putting on a @ @ @ @ @ with hand sanitiser , and reaching for a hammer .
“ And anyway , we @ @ @ @ @ multi-nationals like Amazon and eBay a message too .
It ’ s not just the @ @ @ @ @ of the world who need to hear this , ” he said while logging onto @ @ @ @ @ the storefront several times with his hammer , Price then reached his hand into the @ @ @ @ @ trying to take some of the stock .
“ Ah , someone ’ s got @ @ @ @ @ he said .
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Saying it was irresponsible to be out smashing store windows in the middle of a pandemic, Californian man Jerry Price has decided to stay home and smash up Amazon’s shopfront instead.
“I’m all for looting. But there’s a virus out there man,” Price said, putting on a balaclava, washing his hands with hand sanitiser, and reaching for a hammer.
“And anyway, we need to send these big multi-nationals like Amazon and eBay a message too. It’s not just the Macy’s and Targets of the world who need to hear this,” he said while logging onto the Amazon homepage.
Smashing the storefront several times with his hammer, Price then reached his hand into the hole in the screen, trying to take some of the stock. “Ah, someone’s got to it first,” he said.


theshovel--2020-06-05--We’ve been sent the full eligibility criteria for the HomeBuilder scheme and it’s weirdly specific

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theshovel--2020-06-08--Rio Tinto Stripped Of Licence After Mistakenly Blowing Up Statue Of John Howard

The Morrison government has stripped mining giant Rio Tinto ’ s of its right to operate in Australia after it destroyed a historic statue of John Howard , believed to be at least eight years old .
An irate Scott Morrison called a special hearing of Parliament to condemn the destruction , labelling it a ‘ shocking act of cultural vandalism ’ .
“ This is one of the earliest known statues of John Howard and one of the most significant cultural artefacts in Australia .
It is a precious link to our past that is now lost to us @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said .
Other MPs joined a chorus of criticism against the company .
“ Mining is important to our economy , yes .
But not at all costs , ” Immigration Minister Peter Dutton said .
“ We will not allow an organisation that shows such reckless disregard for our cultural heritage to operate in this country ” .
Rio Tinto apologised for the error , saying they were unaware they were mining near a sacred site .
The Prime Minister has called for a Royal Commission into the statue ’ s destruction @ @ @ @ @ @ @ follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

The Morrison government has stripped mining giant Rio Tinto’s of its right to operate in Australia after it destroyed a historic statue of John Howard, believed to be at least eight years old.
An irate Scott Morrison called a special hearing of Parliament to condemn the destruction, labelling it a ‘shocking act of cultural vandalism’.
“This is one of the earliest known statues of John Howard and one of the most significant cultural artefacts in Australia. It is a precious link to our past that is now lost to us forever,” a seething Mr Morrison said.
Other MPs joined a chorus of criticism against the company. “Mining is important to our economy, yes. But not at all costs,” Immigration Minister Peter Dutton said. “We will not allow an organisation that shows such reckless disregard for our cultural heritage to operate in this country”.
Rio Tinto apologised for the error, saying they were unaware they were mining near a sacred site.
The Prime Minister has called for a Royal Commission into the statue’s destruction.


theshovel--2020-06-09--“DUMBLEDORE WAS ACTUALLY A TRANSGENDER LESBIAN!” JK Rowling tweets in frantic attempt to win back fa

“DUMBLEDORE WAS ACTUALLY A TRANSGENDER LESBIAN!” JK Rowling tweets in frantic attempt to win back fans

After facing a huge backlash over a series of tweets that many felt were transphobic , a frenzied JK Rowling today revealed that Albus Dumbledore was actually a transgender lesbian who led a campaign for trans rights in her spare time .
“ It was right there in the text all along , for anyone who was open-minded enough to see it , ” the Harry Potter author tweeted .
“ Before she was Headmaster of Hogwarts she was Head of Transfiguration – clearly a metaphor for the fight for transgender equality , ” Rowling wrote .
“ And then @ @ @ @ @ @ @ support group for the trans community and became its key spokesperson .
It wasn ’ t presented that way in the book literally .
But it was pretty clear for anyone reading between the lines ” .
She later sent a seperate tweet to apologise directly to the LGBQ community about the transphobic tweets The tweets failed to stem the barrage of criticism aimed at the author , however , with many saying Rowling was trying to retrospectively add diversity to her characters to suit the times .
Rowling denied that claim .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ actually black .
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After facing a huge backlash over a series of tweets that many felt were transphobic, a frenzied JK Rowling today revealed that Albus Dumbledore was actually a transgender lesbian who led a campaign for trans rights in her spare time.
“It was right there in the text all along, for anyone who was open-minded enough to see it,” the Harry Potter author tweeted.
“Before she was Headmaster of Hogwarts she was Head of Transfiguration – clearly a metaphor for the fight for transgender equality,” Rowling wrote.
“And then as Headmaster, Dumbledore set up a support group for the trans community and became its key spokesperson. It wasn’t presented that way in the book literally. But it was pretty clear for anyone reading between the lines”.
She later sent a seperate tweet to apologise directly to the LGBQ community about the transphobic tweets
The tweets failed to stem the barrage of criticism aimed at the author, however, with many saying Rowling was trying to retrospectively add diversity to her characters to suit the times.
Rowling denied that claim. She later revealed that Harry Potter was actually black.
_______
With Jordan Simon


theshovel--2020-06-09--60 Minutes To Interview Nobel-Prize Winning Scientist Peter Doherty On What It’s Like To Be A Celebr

60 Minutes To Interview Nobel-Prize Winning Scientist Peter Doherty On What It’s Like To Be A Celebrity Chef

Following Sunday ’ s emotional interview with Pete Evans about the coronavirus , vaccinations and other medical topics , Sixty Minutes has announced an exclusive one-on-on with Australian scientist Peter Doherty , who will share his views on the celebrity chef industry .
A spokesperson for 60 Minutes said Mr Doherty – who won a Nobel prize for his research on the immune system – is the perfect person to talk about the cut-throat world of television cooking .
“ Peter Doherty discovered how T cells recognise their target antigens in combination with major histocompatibility complex proteins .
So who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like to be the host of a prime time free-to-air cooking show ?
” the spokesperson said .
In the exclusive interview Mr Doherty – who is the patron of the Peter Doherty Institute for Infection and Immunity – will share his opinions on the relative merits of a MasterChef Pressure Test and a My Kitchen Rules Sudden Death challenge .
“ He ’ s never watched either show before , so I ’ m really looking forward to his expert opinion , ” the 60 Minutes spokesperson said .
Mr Doherty – @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Australian Academy of Health and Medical Sciences – will finish the interview by cooking a chickpea and leek curry with a side of charred asparagus .
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Following Sunday’s emotional interview with Pete Evans about the coronavirus, vaccinations and other medical topics, Sixty Minutes has announced an exclusive one-on-on with Australian scientist Peter Doherty, who will share his views on the celebrity chef industry.
A spokesperson for 60 Minutes said Mr Doherty – who won a Nobel prize for his research on the immune system – is the perfect person to talk about the cut-throat world of television cooking.
“Peter Doherty discovered how T cells recognise their target antigens in combination with major histocompatibility complex proteins. So who better to ask what it’s like to be the host of a prime time free-to-air cooking show?” the spokesperson said.
In the exclusive interview Mr Doherty – who is the patron of the Peter Doherty Institute for Infection and Immunity – will share his opinions on the relative merits of a MasterChef Pressure Test and a My Kitchen Rules Sudden Death challenge.
“He’s never watched either show before, so I’m really looking forward to his expert opinion,” the 60 Minutes spokesperson said.
Mr Doherty – who is also a Fellow of the Australian Academy of Health and Medical Sciences – will finish the interview by cooking a chickpea and leek curry with a side of charred asparagus.


theshovel--2020-06-11--The Big Bang Theory Has Been Pulled From Netflix Because It Is Shit

Saying it was ‘ long overdue ’ , television streaming service Netflix has permanently removed all seasons of The Big @ @ @ @ @ because it is just fucking awful .
“ It wasn ’ t funny then , @ @ @ @ @ now , ” Netflix said in a statement .
“ In hindsight , we should @ @ @ @ @ , or at the very least removed it from our service years ago .
It @ @ @ @ @ , it uses lazy stereotypes and corny puns and the laugh-track is excruciating .
We @ @ @ @ @ offended by this absolutely horrific excuse for a comedy ” .
The show , which @ @ @ @ @ was dubbed a ‘ situational comedy ’ , but has since been more correctly classified @ @ @ @ @ .
TV critics described the move as a ‘ relief ’ .
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Saying it was ‘long overdue’, television streaming service Netflix has permanently removed all seasons of The Big Bang Theory from its catalogue because it is just fucking awful.
“It wasn’t funny then, it isn’t funny now,” Netflix said in a statement. “In hindsight, we should never have run this show, or at the very least removed it from our service years ago. It isn’t remotely funny, it uses lazy stereotypes and corny puns and the laugh-track is excruciating. We apologise to anyone who was offended by this absolutely horrific excuse for a comedy”.
The show, which ran for twelve seasons, was dubbed a ‘situational comedy’, but has since been more correctly classified as just ‘situational’.
TV critics described the move as a ‘relief’.


theshovel--2020-06-10--British Protesters Throw Prince Philip In River After Mistaking Him For Racist Statue

Protesters have dragged Prince Phillip through the streets of London and thrown him into the Thames , after mistaking him @ @ @ @ @ racist Duke .
Protester Sam Bramford said people had been aware of the Prince ’ @ @ @ @ @ , but most just assumed he was dead .
“ Prince Philip has been well @ @ @ @ @ xenophobe for decades .
So we thought it was inappropriate for a full-body statute to @ @ @ @ @ of Buckingham Palace , as some kind of celebration .
I didn ’ t realise @ @ @ @ @ I didn ’ t realise he was still alive to be honest with you ” @ @ @ @ @ Philip is alive , Bramford conceded that putting him in the river was perhaps a @ @ @ @ @ It would probably be more appropriate to put him in a museum , or at @ @ @ @ @ plaque to his feet that explains what a bigot he is ” .
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Protesters have dragged Prince Phillip through the streets of London and thrown him into the Thames, after mistaking him for a statue of a racist Duke.
Protester Sam Bramford said people had been aware of the Prince’s racism for some time, but most just assumed he was dead.
“Prince Philip has been well known as a racist and xenophobe for decades. So we thought it was inappropriate for a full-body statute to just be standing there outside of Buckingham Palace, as some kind of celebration. I didn’t realise it was actually him. I didn’t realise he was still alive to be honest with you”.
Knowing now that Prince Philip is alive, Bramford conceded that putting him in the river was perhaps a step too far. “It would probably be more appropriate to put him in a museum, or at the very least affix a plaque to his feet that explains what a bigot he is”.


theshovel--2020-06-11--‘I never liked Chris Lilley’s stuff anyway’ says man who can recite every line of Summer Heights Hig

‘I never liked Chris Lilley’s stuff anyway’ says man who can recite every line of Summer Heights High

A man who owns the original ‘ We Can Be Heroes ’ DVD box set and once shared his top ten favourite Mr G moments on Facebook , says he has always found Chris Lilley ’ s work problematic and was shocked that it was ever funded at all .
Joshua Lambert , who lives in Sydney , says the decision to remove Lilley ’ s programs from streaming services couldn ’ t have come soon enough .
“ I find the shows very racist .
But then I ’ ve said that from day one , ” he said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ best-of compilation video from his desktop .
“ It ’ s true , I did watch some of his shows , all of his shows actually , a few of them twice .
But I did it because I wanted to witness the racism first hand so I could teach other people about it .
I didn ’ t enjoy it , ” he said .
He said the impersonations he did of Lilley ’ s characters for his friends were purely to highlight their problematic nature .
“ I wasn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his shows or any of his characters ” .
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A man who owns the original ‘We Can Be Heroes’ DVD box set and once shared his top ten favourite Mr G moments on Facebook, says he has always found Chris Lilley’s work problematic and was shocked that it was ever funded at all.
Joshua Lambert, who lives in Sydney, says the decision to remove Lilley’s programs from streaming services couldn’t have come soon enough.
“I find the shows very racist. But then I’ve said that from day one,” he said, while quietly removing the Angry Boys best-of compilation video from his desktop.
“It’s true, I did watch some of his shows, all of his shows actually, a few of them twice. But I did it because I wanted to witness the racism first hand so I could teach other people about it. I didn’t enjoy it,” he said.
He said the impersonations he did of Lilley’s characters for his friends were purely to highlight their problematic nature. “I wasn’t laughing. I have never laughed at his shows or any of his characters”.


theshovel--2020-06-15--Labor MP Adem Somyurek resigns to spend more time with his family members (most of whom are fake)

Disgraced Victorian Labor minister Adem Somyurek has stood down from his role , saying he wants to spend more time with his seventeen children , fifteen of whom exist on paper only .
Speaking to journalists this morning , Mr Somyurek said he had a very large family which lived in a filling cabinet labelled ‘ family members ’ .
“ I have enjoyed my time in politics immensely , but the truth is , it takes you away from your family .
Whether you have real children , or just bits of paper that you ’ ve doctored and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Deaths and Marriages , families are important , ” he said .
“ I still remember the day my first child was born – using a fake birth certificate , some White Out and a bag of one hundred dollar notes .
I ’ ve had sixteen other children since – all signed up members of the Labor Party .
They do whatever I say ” .
Mr Somyurek has two children from a previous relationship with the truth .
The resignation follows an explosive investigation by The Age and Channel Nine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had signed up to the Labor Party willingly .
Both of them were unavailable for comment .
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Disgraced Victorian Labor minister Adem Somyurek has stood down from his role, saying he wants to spend more time with his seventeen children, fifteen of whom exist on paper only.
Speaking to journalists this morning, Mr Somyurek said he had a very large family which lived in a filling cabinet labelled ‘family members’.
“I have enjoyed my time in politics immensely, but the truth is, it takes you away from your family. Whether you have real children, or just bits of paper that you’ve doctored and then submitted to the register or Births, Deaths and Marriages, families are important,” he said.
“I still remember the day my first child was born – using a fake birth certificate, some White Out and a bag of one hundred dollar notes. I’ve had sixteen other children since – all signed up members of the Labor Party. They do whatever I say”.
Mr Somyurek has two children from a previous relationship with the truth.
The resignation follows an explosive investigation by The Age and Channel Nine which revealed that there were people who had signed up to the Labor Party willingly. Both of them were unavailable for comment.


theshovel--2020-06-16--Man Upset That Statue He Never Knew Existed Has Been Pulled Down

Office worker Jim Randle says he is devastated that a statute he became aware of this morning is no longer @ @ @ @ @ has been such an important part of my life since about 9am .
But now @ @ @ @ @ , ” he said .
“ It ’ s a tragedy .
I used to @ @ @ @ @ statue every morning .
I simply won ’ t be able to do that anymore @ @ @ @ @ could teach us a lot about our history .
“ Well , not me personally @ @ @ @ @ other people , and that ’ s the important thing .
“ The guy on @ @ @ @ @ his name again ?
– played such a pivotal role in our country ’ s @ @ @ @ @ generations will have no idea what he did ” Become a Shovel member .
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Office worker Jim Randle says he is devastated that a statute he became aware of this morning is no longer there.
“That statue has been such an important part of my life since about 9am. But now it’s gone forever,” he said.
“It’s a tragedy. I used to walk past and ignore that statue every morning. I simply won’t be able to do that anymore”.
He said statues could teach us a lot about our history. “Well, not me personally. But it can teach other people, and that’s the important thing.
“The guy on that statue – what was his name again? – played such a pivotal role in our country’s history. But now future generations will have no idea what he did”


theshovel--2020-06-16--IKEA To Release Exciting New Range Of ‘Stackable ALP Branches’

Swedish furniture giant IKEA has developed an innovative new product called ‘ ALP Branches ’ which are easy to stack @ @ @ @ @ whatever purpose you see fit .
Dubbed the best way to get your house or @ @ @ @ @ the stackable branches are available in Victorian stores , but probably in every other state @ @ @ @ @ love these – they ’ re just so versatile , ” said one customer , @ @ @ @ @ be named .
“ You can take control of your pantry , your kitchen or @ @ @ @ @ these multipurpose stackable branches .
I ’ d feel powerless without them !
” He @ @ @ @ @ that once you had one set of stacked branches , you could easily add more @ @ @ @ @ have , the more in control of everything you feel .
It gets expensive , @ @ @ @ @ worth it ” .
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Swedish furniture giant IKEA has developed an innovative new product called ‘ALP Branches’ which are easy to stack and can be used for whatever purpose you see fit.
Dubbed the best way to get your house or political party under control, the stackable branches are available in Victorian stores, but probably in every other state as well.
“I love these – they’re just so versatile,” said one customer, who for legal reasons did not wish to be named.
“You can take control of your pantry, your kitchen or an entire political movement with these multipurpose stackable branches. I’d feel powerless without them!”
He said the great thing was that once you had one set of stacked branches, you could easily add more. “The more you have, the more in control of everything you feel. It gets expensive, but it’s totally worth it”.
Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews said he wasn’t aware of the product. “Never heard of them. Next question,” he said.
The stackable branches are available using cash only and cost an unspecified amount.
With Terry Beular


theshovel--2020-06-17--Man Who Thinks He Has Imposter Syndrome Actually Just Shit

A man who feels like he doesn ’ t deserve to be in his position or enjoy his level of @ @ @ @ @ , it has been revealed .
Senior manager Sam Mason from Sydney said he sometimes @ @ @ @ @ which he is – but incorrectly diagnosed himself as suffering from a condition which means @ @ @ @ @ a fraud .
“ I ’ ve had all the success , I ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ quickly , and yet I feel like I don ’ t deserve any of it @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I sometimes wonder whether it ’ s just because I ’ ve been @ @ @ @ @ people , ” he said , correctly .
“ I must have imposter syndrome , @ @ @ @ @ .
Mason said he sometimes has this feeling that he will be found at as @ @ @ @ @ .
His colleagues say he was identified as a fraud years ago .

A man who feels like he doesn’t deserve to be in his position or enjoy his level of success, doesn’t, it has been revealed.
Senior manager Sam Mason from Sydney said he sometimes feels like a fraud – which he is – but incorrectly diagnosed himself as suffering from a condition which means he actually isn’t a fraud.
“I’ve had all the success, I’ve risen up the ranks so quickly, and yet I feel like I don’t deserve any of it,” Mason accurately observed.
“I sometimes wonder whether it’s just because I’ve been lucky to know the right people,” he said, correctly. “I must have imposter syndrome,” he added, incorrectly.
Mason said he sometimes has this feeling that he will be found at as a fraud at any moment. His colleagues say he was identified as a fraud years ago.


theshovel--2020-06-18--Channel Nine Commits To Diversity By Embracing A Wider Range Of Racist Views

Channel Nine has confirmed that Sam Newman will feature on this year ’ s season of The Footy Show , saying it wanted to give an opportunity for some of his lesser known racist opinions to reach a mainstream audience .
A spokesperson for The Footy Show said given the current climate , it was important that new racist views had a chance to be aired .
“ We all know and love Sam Newman ’ s blackface impersonations of Indigenous players , and his sledges on Adam Goodes – they ’ ve had plenty of opportunities over the years @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for goodness sake .
So I think in the current environment it ’ s important that we also give a chance for Australians to hear views on George Floyd being a ‘ piece of shit ’ or LeBron James being only ‘ partially educated ’ , ” a Channel Nine spokesperson said .
He said it was time to hear from the same voices .
“ Sammy ’ s been on our screens for over two decades now , he ’ s had a good go .
So I think it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ There are some wonderfully racist views that simply don ’ t get any airtime in this country , and we think now ’ s the time to give them an opportunity ” .
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Channel Nine has confirmed that Sam Newman will feature on this year’s season of The Footy Show, saying it wanted to give an opportunity for some of his lesser known racist opinions to reach a mainstream audience.
A spokesperson for The Footy Show said given the current climate, it was important that new racist views had a chance to be aired.
“We all know and love Sam Newman’s blackface impersonations of Indigenous players, and his sledges on Adam Goodes – they’ve had plenty of opportunities over the years. But it’s 2020, for goodness sake. So I think in the current environment it’s important that we also give a chance for Australians to hear views on George Floyd being a ‘piece of shit’ or LeBron James being only ‘partially educated’,” a Channel Nine spokesperson said.
He said it was time to hear from the same voices. “Sammy’s been on our screens for over two decades now, he’s had a good go. So I think it’s time for him to just keep going.
“There are some wonderfully racist views that simply don’t get any airtime in this country, and we think now’s the time to give them an opportunity”.


theshovel--2020-06-20--With Fewer People Doing Arts Degrees, Who Is Going To Stack Shelves At Coles And Woolworths?

Experts are concerned that a doubling of fees for Arts Degrees may lead to a shortage of people with the @ @ @ @ @ at local supermarkets .
A spokesperson for Woolworths said at least 80 % of their @ @ @ @ @ , many with honours , and worried a change in fee structure could affect the @ @ @ @ @ Having an arts degree with a major in Egyptology or Medieval Philosophy isn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ , but most of our people do have these or similar skills , ” she @ @ @ @ @ ’ re unpacking a box of tinned tomatoes and placing them on a shelf , @ @ @ @ @ 4,000 word essay on the role of the feudal system in 14th century literature is @ @ @ @ @ Experts stay it ’ s not just shelf-stacking that will be affected .
Other menial @ @ @ @ @ federal politician , would also be affected .
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Experts are concerned that a doubling of fees for Arts Degrees may lead to a shortage of people with the qualifications required to stack shelves at local supermarkets.
A spokesperson for Woolworths said at least 80% of their after-hours stackers had Arts degrees, many with honours, and worried a change in fee structure could affect the calibre of applications.
“Having an arts degree with a major in Egyptology or Medieval Philosophy isn’t a pre-requisite for stacking shelves, but most of our people do have these or similar skills,” she said.
“When you’re unpacking a box of tinned tomatoes and placing them on a shelf, being able to write a 4,000 word essay on the role of the feudal system in 14th century literature is a real bonus”.
Experts stay it’s not just shelf-stacking that will be affected. Other menial tasks, like being a federal politician, would also be affected.


theshovel--2020-06-21--Melbourne’s Coronavirus Outbreak Is A Rare, Artisanal Strain Of COVID That The Rest Of The Country T

Melbourne’s Coronavirus Outbreak Is A Rare, Artisanal Strain Of COVID That The Rest Of The Country Totally Won’t Get

The coronavirus that ’ s breaking out in Victoria is a strain you probably haven ’ t even heard of @ @ @ @ @ residents have revealed .
“ It ’ s this really cool handcrafted version that I @ @ @ @ @ off a laneway next to a bin that doubles as a 90s tech-house nightclub , @ @ @ @ @ “ There was this guy there who had it – he first picked it up @ @ @ @ @ in Prague – and I asked if I could try it and he said sure @ @ @ @ @ t available in many places yet , although it seems to be becoming more popular @ @ @ @ @ ” .
Despite claims that they totally don ’ t get it , people in @ @ @ @ @ want to create their own Melbourne-style COVID outbreaks soon .
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The coronavirus that’s breaking out in Victoria is a boutique strain you probably haven’t even heard of yet, Melbourne’s residents have revealed.
“It’s this really cool handcrafted version that I stumbled across down an alleyway off a laneway next to a bin that doubles as a 90s tech-house club,” one resident said.
“There was this guy there who had it – he first picked it up at a bespoke second-hand Polaroid camera market in Prague – and I asked if I could try it and he said sure. And I’ve been curating it in Melbourne for ages now.
“It isn’t available in many places yet, although it seems to be becoming more popular now which is totally predictable”.
Despite claims that they totally don’t get it, people in Sydney and Adelaide are hoping to create their own Melbourne-style COVID outbreaks soon.


theshovel--2020-06-21--Melbourne’s Coronavirus Outbreak Is Rare, Artisanal Strain Of COVID That The Rest Of Country Totally

Melbourne’s Coronavirus Outbreak Is Rare, Artisanal Strain Of COVID That The Rest Of Country Totally Won’t Get

The coronavirus that ’ s breaking out in Victoria is a boutique strain you probably haven ’ t even heard @ @ @ @ @ s residents have revealed .
“ It ’ s this really cool handcrafted version that @ @ @ @ @ alleyway off a laneway next to a bin that doubles as a 90s tech-house club @ @ @ @ @ .
“ There was this guy there who had it – he first picked it @ @ @ @ @ Polaroid camera market in Prague – and I asked if I could try it and @ @ @ @ @ I ’ ve been curating it in Melbourne for ages now .
“ It isn @ @ @ @ @ places yet , although it seems to be becoming more popular now which is totally @ @ @ @ @ that they totally don ’ t get it , people in Sydney and Adelaide are @ @ @ @ @ Melbourne-style COVID outbreaks soon .
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theshovel--2020-06-23--Victorian Government asks Sydney for advice on how to stop people socialising and having fun

With growing fears of a ‘ second wave ’ of coronavirus in Melbourne , the Victorian Government has reached out to its NSW colleagues for tips on how to empty the streets and shut down any unauthorised fun .
“ Sydney ’ s been doing this for years , ” a spokesperson for the Victorian Government said .
“ We need to get people off the streets , out of bars and locked down at home .
Who better than the Gladys Berejiklian to show us the ropes ?
” He said it was now well documented that the coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ It ’ s when people are out together enjoying ourselves , having a good time , having a laugh .
That hasn ’ t happened in Sydney since 2011 .
“ The only way we ’ re going to beat this is if we can get to a point where the central part of the city is totally devoid of life and human activity .
We ’ re looking forward to hearing Gladys ’ s tips on how to take the first step ” .
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With growing fears of a ‘second wave’ of coronavirus in Melbourne, the Victorian Government has reached out to its NSW colleagues for tips on how to empty the streets and shut down any unauthorised fun.
“Sydney’s been doing this for years,” a spokesperson for the Victorian Government said.
“We need to get people off the streets, out of bars and locked down at home. Who better than Gladys Berejiklian to show us the ropes?”
He said it was now well documented that the coronavirus is most likely spread in social situations.
“It’s when people are out together enjoying themselves, having a good time, having a laugh. That hasn’t happened in Sydney since 2011.
“The only way we’re going to beat this is if we can get to a point where the central part of the city is totally devoid of life and human activity. We’re looking forward to hearing Gladys’s tips on how to take the first step”.


theshovel--2020-06-24--Novak Djokovic Apologises For COVID Breach By Throwing Massive Party For Fans

A contrite Novak Djokovic has apologised for holding a tennis tournament during the middle of a pandemic , saying he @ @ @ @ @ fans at a free dance party in Belgrade next week .
The world number one @ @ @ @ @ COVID-19 yesterday along with many other players at the tournament , said the drinks were @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve let my family down , I ’ ve let the tennis community down @ @ @ @ @ myself down .
Now , who ’ s ready to P-A-R-T-Y !
!
!
” @ @ @ @ @ today .
The eight-time Australian Open winner said he had learnt a lot from the @ @ @ @ @ look up to me as a role model ; they expect a lot from me @ @ @ @ @ free music , free drinks all night from 9pm .
Dancing comp starts at 10 @ @ @ @ @ friends , let ’ s have some FUN !
!
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A contrite Novak Djokovic has apologised for holding a tennis tournament during the middle of a pandemic, saying he would make it up to fans at a free dance party in Belgrade next week.
The world number one, who tested positive for COVID-19 yesterday along with many other players at the tournament, said the drinks were on him.
“I’ve let my family down, I’ve let the tennis community down, I’ve let myself down. Now, who’s ready to P-A-R-T-Y!!!” Djokovic said in a statement today.
The eight-time Australian Open winner said he had learnt a lot from the experience. “My fans look up to me as a role model; they expect a lot from me. So it’s free music, free drinks all night from 9pm. Dancing comp starts at 10. Bring all of your friends, let’s have some FUN!!”


theshovel--2020-06-24--John Howard defends Dyson Heydon appointment: “He is one of the most intelligent, articulate and wel

John Howard defends Dyson Heydon appointment: “He is one of the most intelligent, articulate and well-read sex offenders I know”

Former Prime Minister John Howard has stood by his decision to appoint Dyson Heydon to the High Court of Australia , saying he was a wonderful judge and certainly up there with the most quick-witted and intellectually astute sex offenders he has had the pleasure of knowing .
“ A brilliant mind .
Sharp as a tack .
One of the best , ” Mr Howard said .
The former PM acknowledged that Mr Heydon had been found by the High Court to have sexually harassed and assaulted six women .
“ But let ’ s not forget that he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hands , perhaps .
But an unswerving legal mind ” .
Mr Howard said that apart from upending the lives of six of his associates , he couldn ’ t fault Dyson Heydon ’ s time at the High Court .
“ I can ’ t think of a bad word to say about him ” .
Mr Howard said he would be more than happy to write Mr Heydon a character reference if required .
“ I have a template that I use for this sort of thing – so I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if the need arose ” .
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Former Prime Minister John Howard has stood by his decision to appoint Dyson Heydon to the High Court of Australia, saying he was a wonderful judge and certainly up there with the most quick-witted and intellectually astute sex offenders he has had the pleasure of knowing.
“A brilliant mind. Sharp as a tack. One of the best,” Mr Howard said.
The former PM acknowledged that Mr Heydon had been found by the High Court to have sexually harassed and assaulted six women. “But let’s not forget that he had a wonderfully sharp intellect. Wayward hands, perhaps. But an unswerving legal mind”.
Mr Howard said that apart from upending the lives of six of his associates, he couldn’t fault Dyson Heydon’s time at the High Court. “I can’t think of a bad word to say about him”.
Mr Howard said he would be more than happy to write Mr Heydon a character reference if required. “I have a template that I use for this sort of thing – so I’d be delighted to use that again if the need arose”.


theshovel--2020-06-24--ABC Forced To Sack Proof-Readers Due To Liberal Party Budget Cunts

National broadcaster The ABC will axe up to 250 jobs , including sub-editors and proof readers , as it deals with bigger than expected cunts from the Coalition Government .
“ We ’ ve been dealing with these cunts for years now , but they seem to be getting worse , ” an un-checked statement from the ABC read .
The Government defended the cuts , saying they were necessary to get the budget back in balance .
“ We ’ ve been wanking really hard to find budget savings , ” a Liberal Party MP who shits on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , this is going to affect a lot of people personally – up to 250 staff .
I know that having a blowjob is really important – I wish I could personally give one to everyone .
But the fact is we need to find savings .
“ This isn ’ t just about the ABC .
This government to date has cocked up over $ 60 billion in savings – there are cunts across the board ” .
One sub-editor , who was asked for her opinion on the government ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ comment on the policy decision of fuckheads .
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National broadcaster The ABC will axe up to 250 jobs, including sub-editors and proof readers, as it deals with bigger than expected cunts from the Coalition Government.
“We’ve been dealing with these cunts for years now, but they seem to be getting worse,” an un-checked statement from the ABC read.
The Government defended the cuts, saying they were necessary to get the budget back in balance. “We’ve been wanking really hard to find budget savings,” a Liberal Party MP who shits on the front bench said.
“And look, this is going to affect a lot of people personally – up to 250 staff. I know that having a blowjob is really important – I wish I could personally give one to everyone. But the fact is we need to find savings.
“This isn’t just about the ABC. This government to date has cocked up over $60 billion in savings – there are cunts across the board”.
One sub-editor, who was asked for her opinion on the government’s decision, said she doesn’t comment on the policy decision of fuckheads.


theshovel--2020-06-25--Melburnians worried about being denied entry to NSW told to just get on a cruise ship and say their

Melburnians worried about being denied entry to NSW told to just get on a cruise ship and say their name is Ruby Princess

NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian ’ s advice not to interact with Melbourne citizens has led may Victorians to reassess their travel plans across the border this week .
But travel experts say a simple solution is to set sail on an international cruise liner and disembark at Circular Quay .
“ If you travel responsibly by car , making sure to keep a physical distance from others when you arrive in NSW , then you ’ ll be turned back at the border .
But if you arrive on a large , tightly packed cruise ship with several thousand other @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with open arms , ” one travel agent said .
“ It ’ s one of those little secret travel tips I like to give my customers ” .
“ From Circular Quay you can just jump on a train or catch a taxi to wherever you need to go , no questions asked ” .
For those worried about entry to sporting events – which Berejiklian specifically said Victorians could not attend – experts say knowing which name to use is important .
“ When they ask if you ’ re from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Ruby Princess .
You ’ ll be able to do whatever you want ” .
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NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian’s advice not to interact with Melbourne citizens has led may Victorians to reassess their travel plans across the border this week. But travel experts say a simple solution is to set sail on an international cruise liner and disembark at Circular Quay.
“If you travel responsibly by car, making sure to keep a physical distance from others when you arrive in NSW, then you’ll be turned back at the border. But if you arrive on a large, tightly packed cruise ship with several thousand other passengers, you’ll be welcomed with open arms,” one travel agent said. “It’s one of those little secret travel tips I like to give my customers”.
“From Circular Quay you can just jump on a train or catch a taxi to wherever you need to go, no questions asked”.
For those worried about entry to sporting events – which Berejiklian specifically said Victorians could not attend – experts say knowing which name to use is important. “When they ask if you’re from Victoria, just say your name is Ruby Princess. You’ll be able to do whatever you want”.


theshovel--2020-06-26--America to stop measuring gun-related deaths in an effort to eradicate gun crime

US President Donald Trump says the nation ’ s gun crime will plummet thanks to a new policy which will @ @ @ @ @ recorded .
The President said the US – which currently has one of the highest @ @ @ @ @ the world – could expect to see the number of deaths caused by guns to @ @ @ @ @ policy passes Congress .
“ I have ordered for authorities to slow down the measurement @ @ @ @ @ is adding to the number deaths , ” Trump said at a press conference today @ @ @ @ @ measure gun deaths , the more people are going to die .
It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ The NRA has backed the move saying it is the best way to ensure that @ @ @ @ @ shopping malls were eradicated while maintaining the right for Americans to bear arms .
In @ @ @ @ @ , “ Guns don ’ t kill people .
Gun statistics kill people ” .
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US President Donald Trump says the nation’s gun crime will plummet thanks to a new policy which will see gun-related deaths no longer recorded.
The President said the US – which currently has one of the highest rates of gun crime in the world – could expect to see the number of deaths caused by guns to drop to zero if his policy passes Congress.
“I have ordered for authorities to slow down the measurement of gun crime because it is adding to the number deaths,” Trump said at a press conference today. “The more you measure gun deaths, the more people are going to die. It’s as simple as that.”
The NRA has backed the move saying it is the best way to ensure that mass shootings at schools and shopping malls were eradicated while maintaining the right for Americans to bear arms. In a statement the NRA said, “Guns don’t kill people. Gun statistics kill people”.


theshovel--2020-06-28--Arts Rescue Package Equates To Around $500 Per Arts Worker, Or $25k If They Also Renovate Their Bath

Arts Rescue Package Equates To Around $500 Per Arts Worker, Or $25k If They Also Renovate Their Bathoom

The Federal Government ’ s $ 250 million ‘ rescue ’ package for the Arts industry will provide an average @ @ @ @ @ each of the nation ’ s Arts industry employees , or $ 25,000 if they @ @ @ @ @ update their kitchen .
“ The Arts industry is integral to Australian culture , which @ @ @ @ @ giving three times as much funding to home renovations , ” Scott Morrison said , @ @ @ @ @ million HomeBuilder scheme was now up and running .
“ I love the Arts , @ @ @ @ @ .
But not quite as important as giving a leg up to the Mums and @ @ @ @ @ want to put an extension on the back of their house , ” Scott Morrison @ @ @ @ @ he was a big supporter of the Arts and listed his favourite song as the @ @ @ @ @ .
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The Federal Government’s $250 million ‘rescue’ package for the Arts industry will provide an average of around $500 for each of the nation’s Arts industry employees, or $25,000 if they use the HomeBuilder grant to update their kitchen or bathroom.
“The Arts industry is integral to Australian culture, which is why we’re giving three times as much funding to home renovations,” Scott Morrison said, noting that the $688 million HomeBuilder scheme was now up and running.
“I love the Arts, the Arts is really important. But not quite as important as giving a leg up to the Mums and Dads around the country who want to put an extension on the back of their house,” Scott Morrison said.
Mr Morrison said he was a big supporter of the Arts and listed his favourite song as the theme tune from The Block.


theshovel--2020-06-28--I’m A Little Teapot Song Banned For Body Shaming

The popular children ’ s nursery rhyme ‘ I ’ m A Little Teapot Short And Stout ’ has been banned because it makes fun of the teapot ’ s physical stature .
There had been calls to change the song ’ s lyrics to ‘ I ’ m a smaller-than-average sized teapot , vertically disadvantaged and bigger-bodied ’ , but in the end it was decided just to scrap the song altogether .
“ The song is problematic in more ways than one , ” a spokesperson for the Change The I ’ m A Little Teapot Song Lobby @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Once we changed that first line , we then had to consider whether the reference to getting ‘ steamed up ’ would alienate those with anger management issues .
“ We considered : ‘ When I get all agitated due to repressed issues that I ’ m still working through with my therapist , then I regretfully say in a louder than normal voice ’ .
But that didn ’ t rhyme with ‘ Tip me over and pour me out , if that ’ s ok with you ’ .
So we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” .
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The popular children’s nursery rhyme ‘I’m A Little Teapot Short And Stout’ has been banned because it makes fun of the teapot’s physical stature.
There had been calls to change the song’s lyrics to ‘I’m a smaller-than-average sized teapot, vertically disadvantaged and bigger-bodied’, but in the end it was decided just to scrap the song altogether.
“The song is problematic in more ways than one,” a spokesperson for the Change The I’m A Little Teapot Song Lobby Group (CTIALTSLG) said.
“Once we changed that first line, we then had to consider whether the reference to getting ‘steamed up’ would alienate those with anger management issues.
“We considered: ‘When I get all agitated due to repressed issues that I’m still working through with my therapist, then I regretfully say in a louder than normal voice’. But that didn’t rhyme with ‘Tip me over and pour me out, if that’s ok with you’. So we killed it. Sorry, removed it”.


theshovel--2020-06-28--Arts Rescue Package Equates To $500 Per Arts Worker, Or $25k If They Also Renovate Their Bathroom

The Federal Government ’ s $ 250 million ‘ rescue ’ package for the Arts industry will provide an average @ @ @ @ @ each of the nation ’ s Arts industry employees , or $ 25,000 if they @ @ @ @ @ update their kitchen or bathroom .
“ The Arts industry is integral to Australian culture @ @ @ @ @ ’ re giving three times as much funding to home renovations , ” Scott Morrison @ @ @ @ @ $ 688 million HomeBuilder scheme was now up and running .
“ I love the @ @ @ @ @ really important .
But not quite as important as giving a leg up to the @ @ @ @ @ country who want to put an extension on the back of their house , ” @ @ @ @ @ Morrison said he was a big supporter of the Arts and listed his favourite song @ @ @ @ @ The Block .
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theshovel--2020-07-01--US Could Have Avoided COVID-19 Entirely If They Hadn’t Done Testing

Donald Trump ’ s recent claim that testing rates have exacerbated the coronavirus in the US appear to be correct , with new analysis suggesting America could have avoided the virus entirely if they had eliminated testing from the beginning .
America ’ s well publicised spike in cases ( labelled on the graph in blue ) is the result of thousands of daily tests across the country .
But the line in red tells a very different story .
This represents the number of coronavirus cases America would have had if testing had been eradicated early .
Trump administration @ @ @ @ @ @ @ doors ’ moment .
“ Had we got on top of this thing early – right back at the start – and eliminated testing from day one , we ’ d be in a very different situation right now , ” one official said .
“ But instead we let it get away from us .
The number of tests has exploded , and look what ’ s happened to the number of people infected as a result .
The graph doesn ’ t lie .
“ If we can get these testing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be able to return to life as normal ” .
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Donald Trump’s recent claim that testing rates have exacerbated the coronavirus in the US appear to be correct, with new analysis suggesting America could have avoided the virus entirely if they had eliminated testing from the beginning.
America’s well publicised spike in cases (labelled on the graph in blue) is the result of thousands of daily tests across the country. But the line in red tells a very different story. This represents the number of coronavirus cases America would have had if testing had been eradicated early.
Trump administration officials have called it a ‘sliding doors’ moment. “Had we got on top of this thing early – right back at the start – and eliminated testing from day one, we’d be in a very different situation right now,” one official said.
“But instead we let it get away from us. The number of tests has exploded, and look what’s happened to the number of people infected as a result. The graph doesn’t lie.
“If we can get these testing numbers down, then we’ll be able to return to life as normal”.


theshovel--2020-07-02--New Australia logo unveiled

New Australia logo unveiled

Saying it represented the sentiments of a modern Australia , Trade Minister Simon Birmingham today unveiled the new logo that @ @ @ @ @ the rest of the world .
Approved by Australia ’ s Nation Brand Advisory Council @ @ @ @ @ logo reflected the attitudes , beliefs and personality of Australia in 2020 .
“ It @ @ @ @ @ ’ s honest .
This is a logo that everyone can get behind , ” @ @ @ @ @ want to present our best selves to the world , and that ’ s what @ @ @ @ @ about .
“ It ’ s a logo for everyone single one of us .
@ @ @ @ @ specific postcodes in the north and west of Melbourne ” .
Critics say the logo @ @ @ @ @ Become a Shovel member .
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Saying it represented the sentiments of a modern Australia, Trade Minister Simon Birmingham today unveiled the new logo that will sell the nation to the rest of the world.
Approved by Australia’s Nation Brand Advisory Council, Mr Birmingham said the logo reflected the attitudes, beliefs and personality of Australia in 2020.
“It’s fresh, it’s honest. This is a logo that everyone can get behind,” he said.
“We want to present our best selves to the world, and that’s what this new logo is all about.
“It’s a logo for everyone single one of us. Except for those in 10 specific postcodes in the north and west of Melbourne”.
Critics say the logo looks like a virus.


theshovel--2020-07-06--Toddler Takes Just 2.5 Hours To Get Dressed

Three year-old Angus Finchley can throw on a t-shirt and shorts and be ready to go in just hours , it has been reported .
Finchley ’ s mother said it was ‘ go , go , go !
’ at their place most mornings and they ’ re up and out the door in under three hours .
“ There ’ s no time for dilly-dallying .
Just pick the first 86 t-shirts you find , try them all on one by one , get distracted playing with a truck , chow down some breakfast , try on all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one you want is in the wash , and then walk out the door without your pants on .
We ’ re on the road in no time .
“ Until we realise we ’ ve forgotten an incredibly specific Lego figurine .
And then we ’ re back in the door again – or specifically , under the couch – looking for the figurine and then deciding we want a different pair of shoes on today .
And then – just like that – we ’ re ready to go .
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Three year-old Angus Finchley can throw on a t-shirt and shorts and be ready to go in just hours, it has been reported.
Finchley’s mother said it was ‘go, go, go!’ at their place most mornings and they’re up and out the door in under three hours.
“There’s no time for dilly-dallying. Just pick the first 86 t-shirts you find, try them all on one by one, get distracted playing with a truck, chow down some breakfast, try on all the t-shirts again, complain that the one you want is in the wash, and then walk out the door without your pants on. We’re on the road in no time.
“Until we realise we’ve forgotten an incredibly specific Lego figurine. And then we’re back in the door again – or specifically, under the couch – looking for the figurine and then deciding we want a different pair of shoes on today. And then – just like that – we’re ready to go. It’s a well-oiled machine”.


theshovel--2020-07-07--Strictest measures yet: Victorians told to pretend they live in Sydney

With COVID-19 cases rising sharply , Victorian Premier Dan Andrews has announced the harshest restrictions of the crisis so far – telling Melburnians they must act as if they live in Sydney .
“ We need to take this seriously ; we need to go further in beating this virus .
And that means pretending you live in Sydney , ” Mr Andrews said at a press briefing .
“ We want to see bars empty , streets deserted and so-called nightlife hotspots devoid of any activity .
We simply can ’ t have people enjoying themselves , ” Mr @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re thinking about going out for a night on the town , ask yourself , ‘ what would I do if I was in Sydney ?
’ The answer is stay home .
“ If you ’ re thinking about going out late and having a few drinks , think about what your counterparts in Sydney would do .
The answer is stay at home .
Mr Andrews apologised for the cruel nature of the restrictions but said it was the only way to get the virus under control .
“ It ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re in Sydney .
I can ’ t be any clearer ” .
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With COVID-19 cases rising sharply, Victorian Premier Dan Andrews has announced the harshest restrictions of the crisis so far – telling Melburnians they must act as if they live in Sydney.
“We need to take this seriously; we need to go further in beating this virus. And that means pretending you live in Sydney,” Mr Andrews said at a press briefing.
“We want to see bars empty, streets deserted and so-called nightlife hotspots devoid of any activity. We simply can’t have people enjoying themselves,” Mr Andrews said.
“If you’re thinking about going out for a night on the town, ask yourself, ‘what would I do if I was in Sydney?’ The answer is stay home.
“If you’re thinking about going out late and having a few drinks, think about what your counterparts in Sydney would do. The answer is stay at home.
Mr Andrews apologised for the cruel nature of the restrictions but said it was the only way to get the virus under control.
“It’s really simply. Pretend you’re in Sydney. I can’t be any clearer”.


theshovel--2020-07-07--Kanye West announces intention to shamelessly generate publicity for his new album

Saying it was time to realize the promise of America , rapper Kanye West has confirmed he will be running @ @ @ @ @ publicity for his upcoming album ‘ God ’ s Country ’ .
West said Americans @ @ @ @ @ to step up and promote the music of the greatest rapper of all time .
@ @ @ @ @ missing in America right now .
There ’ s something desperately lacking .
And that @ @ @ @ @ West ’ s tenth studio album , ” West said in a statement .
“ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m announcing my intention to do whatever it takes to generate publicity for @ @ @ @ @ for download in the coming weeks .
“ What America needs more than ever is @ @ @ @ @ And I intend to help them do that ” .
He will announce a Vice @ @ @ @ @ .
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Saying it was time to realize the promise of America, rapper Kanye West has confirmed he will be running a blatant campaign to generate publicity for his upcoming album ‘God’s Country’.
West said Americans were crying out for someone to step up and promote the music of the greatest rapper of all time.
“There’s something missing in America right now. There’s something desperately lacking. And that’s exposure for Kanye West’s tenth studio album,” West said in a statement.
“That’s why today I’m announcing my intention to do whatever it takes to generate publicity for my latest offering, available for download in the coming weeks.
“What America needs more than ever is buy my new album. And I intend to help them do that”.
He will announce a Vice Presidential running mate next week.


theshovel--2020-07-07--Party Of ‘Individual Responsibility’ Blames Government For Not Fixing Virus

A man whose entire political philosophy is based on taking personal responsibility and getting government out of people ’ s @ @ @ @ @ whinge because the Victorian government hasn ’ t fixed coronavirus for him .
Tim Smith @ @ @ @ @ who is a cheerleader for private enterprise and would privatise his grandmother if it was @ @ @ @ @ should not have subcontracted hotel quarantine security to private contractors .
“ They should ’ @ @ @ @ @ , not private contractors ” said Smith , who – if he was in charge @ @ @ @ @ security to a mate he went to school with .
Smith , who called for @ @ @ @ @ May so the economy could be opened up , criticised the government for opening up @ @ @ @ @ Become a Shovel member .
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A man whose entire political philosophy is based on taking personal responsibility and getting government out of people’s lives, is having a whinge because the Victorian government hasn’t fixed coronavirus for him.
Tim Smith, a Victorian Liberal MP who is a cheerleader for private enterprise and would privatise his grandmother if it was legal, says the government should not have subcontracted hotel quarantine security to private contractors.
“They should’ve used the defence force, not private contractors” said Smith, who – if he was in charge – definitely would have outsourced security to a mate he went to school with.
Smith, who called for restrictions to be loosened in May so the economy could be opened up, criticised the government for opening up the economy too early.


theshovel--2020-07-09--We read the new tell-all book by Donald Trump’s niece and wow! Turns out Trump isn’t the whip-smart,

We read the new tell-all book by Donald Trump’s niece and wow! Turns out Trump isn’t the whip-smart, kind hearted guy we thought he was

Donald Trump ’ s reputation as a switched-on , compassionate leader driven by the pursuit of high-mined ideals is nothing more than a carefully managed veneer .
That ’ s if you believe the new tell-all book by Mary Trump – the President ’ s niece – which reveals a shadier side to the New York philanthropist .
We read an advanced copy of the explosive new book and , boy , did it shake our perceptions of America ’ s 45th President .
Far from a consensus-building people person , Mr Trump is presented as something of an opportunist @ @ @ @ @ @ @ others and doing whatever it takes to get ahead .
In one chapter , Mary Trump goes as far to call her uncle a ‘ narcissist ’ .
It ’ s a far cry from the caring and kind-hearted man we see on our screens each day , and a lot to take in for those of us who ’ ve followed The Donald closely these past four years .
From there she unveils a murky world of dodgy business dealings , sexist comments and bullying behaviour .
If true , it is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the United States .
Perhaps the most explosive section of the book , however , is when she seeks to debunk Mr Trump ’ s famed intellect .
Donald lacks intellectual fire-power , she says , and even cheated to get into business school .
Turns out , all those times he told us how smart he was is all just one big lie .
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Donald Trump’s reputation as a switched-on, compassionate leader driven by the pursuit of high-mined ideals is nothing more than a carefully managed veneer.
That’s if you believe the new tell-all book by Mary Trump – the President’s niece – which reveals a shadier side to the New York philanthropist.
We read an advanced copy of the explosive new book and, boy, did it shake our perceptions of America’s 45th President.
Far from a consensus-building people person, Mr Trump is presented as something of an opportunist, putting his own interests ahead of others and doing whatever it takes to get ahead. In one chapter, Mary Trump goes as far to call her uncle a ‘narcissist’. It’s a far cry from the caring and kind-hearted man we see on our screens each day, and a lot to take in for those of us who’ve followed The Donald closely these past four years.
From there she unveils a murky world of dodgy business dealings, sexist comments and bullying behaviour. If true, it is disturbing conduct for a sitting president of the United States.
Perhaps the most explosive section of the book, however, is when she seeks to debunk Mr Trump’s famed intellect. Donald lacks intellectual fire-power, she says, and even cheated to get into business school. Turns out, all those times he told us how smart he was is all just one big lie.


theshovel--2020-07-09--Security guards at Melbourne’s quarantine hotels say they will take situation seriously from now on

Security guards at Melbourne’s quarantine hotels say they will take situation seriously from now on and wear appropriate protection when having sex with guests

Security contractors responsibly for guarding Melbourne ’ s quarantine hotels have apologised for not following proper protocols , and have @ @ @ @ @ when having sex with returned travellers from now on .
Many security guards have been @ @ @ @ @ gear properly when carrying luggage or banging guests .
But a spokesperson for the firm @ @ @ @ @ their safety procedures .
“ We understand that this is a serious situation , and @ @ @ @ @ problems before they happen .
That ’ s why , from today , all of @ @ @ @ @ that if they go back to a guest ’ s room for a drink , @ @ @ @ @ for a sex party , they will need be carrying the correct personal protective equipment @ @ @ @ @ He said they understood the potential consequences of lax protective procedures .
“ The last @ @ @ @ @ is get someone pregnant ” .
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Security contractors responsibly for guarding Melbourne’s quarantine hotels have apologised for not following proper protocols, and have committed to wearing appropriate protection when having sex with returned travellers from now on.
Many security guards have been accused of not wearing protective gear properly when carrying luggage or banging guests. But a spokesperson for the firm said they had now enhanced their safety procedures.
“We understand that this is a serious situation, and we want to stop any problems before they happen. That’s why, from today, all of our staff have been told that if they go back to a guest’s room for a drink, or to watch Netflix or for a sex party, they will need be carrying the correct personal protective equipment. No exceptions”.
He said they understood the potential consequences of lax protective procedures. “The last thing we want to do is get someone pregnant”.