theshovel--2020-07-09--Silicon Valley Invents New ‘Remind Me Tomorrow’ Button For Dealing With Climate Change

Developers in Silicon Valley have created an innovative new way to put off dealing with impending catastrophe , announcing a new ‘ Remind Me Tomorrow ’ climate change button that will pop up on your laptop or phone .
Chief developer Wolfgang Hannity said it was the perfect way to deal with global warming for those with a busy schedule .
“ We know what it ’ s like .
You ’ re right in the middle of writing an email or watching a TikTok video and it ’ s inconvenient for you to drop everything and save the planet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tool you can just click ‘ Try Tonight ’ or ‘ Remind Me Tomorrow ’ and the problem can be put off to a more convenient time .
“ And then tomorrow when it pops up and you ’ re busy again , you can just click it like you did yesterday and worry about it later .
It ’ s the perfect way to manage climate change in a busy world ” .
He said the beauty of the new app was that it gives you the impression that you ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ @ @ next 24 hours .
“ When in actual fact you never have to do a thing .
So in that sense it ’ s a very low-touch solution ” .
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Developers in Silicon Valley have created an innovative new way to put off dealing with impending catastrophe, announcing a new ‘Remind Me Tomorrow’ climate change button that will pop up on your laptop or phone.
Chief developer Wolfgang Hannibury said it was the perfect way to deal with global warming for those with a busy schedule.
“We know what it’s like. You’re right in the middle of writing an email or watching TikTok and it’s inconvenient for you to drop everything and save the planet right now. But with this new tool you can just click ‘Try Tonight’ or ‘Remind Me Tomorrow’ and the problem can be put off to a more convenient time.
“And then tomorrow when it pops up and you’re busy again, you can just click it like you did yesterday and worry about it later. It’s the perfect way to manage climate change in a busy world”.
He said the beauty of the new app was that it gives you the impression that you’ll do something about climate change within the next 24 hours. “When in actual fact you never have to do a thing. So in that sense it’s a very low-touch solution”.


theshovel--2020-07-14--Sign Our Petition To Stop TikTok Taking Your Data

As concerns over the data policies of social media sensation TikTok increase , we ’ re calling on the government @ @ @ @ @ Please add your name ( and address , phone number , driver ’ s licence @ @ @ @ @ this important cause .
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theshovel--2020-07-14--Palace Letters Reveal That Dan Andrews Was To Blame For Whitlam Dismissal

A trove of letters between Governor General Sir John Kerr and Buckingham Palace , released today , has given a fascinating insight into the events that led lead up to the dismissal of Prime Minister Gough Whitlam in 1975 .
But of all the revelations , perhaps the most explosive is that it was actually Victorian Premier Dan Andrews who caused the constitutional crisis in the first place .
According to an analysis of the letters carried out by News Corp journalist Andrew Bolt , Mr Andrews – who was three years old at the time – was blocking supply @ @ @ @ @ @ @ impasse in the Australian government .
In one letter described by Bolt , Mr Kerr wrote : “ The actions of Dictator Dan have left me with no choice but to sack Gough Whitlam and hand the Prime Ministership to Mr Fraser ” .
Within days , Whitlam was gone .
While other factors were also at play – The Greens ’ opposition to backburning was also discussed as a reason to move quickly on the dismissal – it was Mr Andrews who was seen as the central cause of the crisis .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Queen was made aware of Australia .
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A trove of letters between Governor General Sir John Kerr and Buckingham Palace, released today, has given a fascinating insight into the events that lead up to the dismissal of Prime Minister Gough Whitlam in 1975. But of all the revelations, perhaps the most explosive is that it was actually Victorian Premier Dan Andrews who caused the constitutional crisis in the first place.
According to an analysis of the letters carried out by News Corp journalist Andrew Bolt, Mr Andrews – who was three years old at the time – was blocking supply in the Senate, leading to an impasse in the Australian government.
In one letter described by Bolt, Mr Kerr wrote: “The actions of Dictator Dan have left me with no choice but to sack Gough Whitlam and hand the Prime Ministership to Mr Fraser”.
Within days, Whitlam was gone.
While other factors were also at play – The Greens’ opposition to backburning was also discussed as a reason to move quickly on the dismissal – it was Mr Andrews who was seen as the central cause of the crisis.
The letters were the first time that the Queen was made aware of Australia.


theshovel--2020-07-14--Palace Letters Reveal That Queen Wasn’t Made Aware Of Australia Until 1975

The Queen had no knowledge of Australia until the mid 1970s , according to secret letters released this week .
The existence of the colony was initially kept from the monarch because her private secretary didn ’ t want her to become concerned with trivial issues .
“ It was better for Her Majesty not to know , ” one letter read .
The letters , between Australian Governor General Sir John Kerr and the Queen ’ s private secretary , suggest that the Queen was generally aware that other countries existed under her rule .
But it wasn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Whitlam ’ s dismissal in 1975 that Australia was specifically brought to her attention .
“ Her Majesty was as shocked as everyone else when The Prime Minister of Australia was dismissed .
Who knew we had a whole other country on the other side of the world ?
And a big one too , ” the Queen ’ s secretary wrote .
The Queen ’ s secretary praised the Governor General ’ s decision not to tell the Queen earlier , saying she had a lot on her plate at the time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with the greatest respect , I believe in not informing the Queen , you acted with admirable consideration for Her Majesty ” .
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The Queen had no knowledge of Australia until the mid 1970s, according to secret letters released this week.
The existence of the colony was initially kept from the monarch because her private secretary didn’t want her to become concerned with trivial issues. “It was better for Her Majesty not to know,” one letter read.
The letters, between Australian Governor General Sir John Kerr and the Queen’s private secretary, suggest that the Queen was generally aware that other countries existed under her rule. But it wasn’t until she was told of Gough Whitlam’s dismissal in 1975 that Australia was specifically brought to her attention.
“Her Majesty was as shocked as everyone else when The Prime Minister of Australia was dismissed. Who knew we had a whole other country on the other side of the world? And a big one too,” the Queen’s secretary wrote.
The Queen’s secretary praised the Governor General’s decision not to tell the Queen earlier, saying she had a lot on her plate at the time. “If I may say so with the greatest respect, I believe in not informing the Queen, you acted with admirable consideration for Her Majesty”.


theshovel--2020-07-15--Americans confused why Melbourne in lockdown just because of outbreak of deadly, infectious disease

Americans have described Victoria ’ s decision to go into lockdown as ‘ baffling ’ , saying it seemed like a drastic step to take for a straightforward , deadly disease .
“ Honestly , it seems like a really strange response , ” Indiana resident Greg Cawley said .
“ To halt your daily routine just because a virus might kill you and everyone else you know just seems bizarre ” .
Oregon resident Shannon Watts said there were plenty of ways to prevent a second wave that weren ’ t as invasive to people ’ s lives and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s lowering testing rates , denying public health data , or carrying your AR-15 so the virus knows not to fuck with you .
Also , there ’ s the fact that you can ’ t have a second wave if you never ended the first one.
” Attitudes of bewilderment were exemplified by responses such as , “ How are they going to gain herd immunity if they lock down ?
” and “ What ’ s Melbourne ?
Is that in Texas ?
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Americans have described Victoria’s decision to go into lockdown as ‘baffling’, saying it seemed like a drastic step to take for a straightforward, deadly disease.
“Honestly, it seems like a really strange response,” Indiana resident Greg Cawley said. “To halt your daily routine just because a virus might kill you and everyone else you know just seems bizarre”.
Oregon resident Shannon Watts said there were plenty of ways to prevent a second wave that weren’t as invasive to people’s lives and freedom. “For example, there’s lowering testing rates, denying public health data, or carrying your AR-15 so the virus knows not to fuck with you. Also, there’s the fact that you can’t have a second wave if you never ended the first one.”
Attitudes of bewilderment were exemplified by responses such as, “How are they going to gain herd immunity if they lock down?” and “What’s Melbourne? Is that in Texas?”
_____________
By Jordan Simon (@jordanmsimon)


theshovel--2020-07-17--Government Launches New JobsForMates Scheme

The Coalition has followed the launch of its JobKeeper , JobSeeker and JobBuilder programs with a new JobsForMates scheme , @ @ @ @ @ to struggling former MPs , staffers and donors .
The $ 2 billion scheme will @ @ @ @ @ government-funded boards , advisory councils and diplomatic postings .
Some of the money will also @ @ @ @ @ pay for vital au pair services for those eligible .
The Government says the program @ @ @ @ @ rate of its former colleagues doesn ’ t dip below 100 % .
While the @ @ @ @ @ those within the Government , critics claim the scheme is actually just a re-announcement of @ @ @ @ @ been in place for years .
“ I don ’ t see anything new in @ @ @ @ @ critic said .
“ It ’ s got a fancy new name – it used @ @ @ @ @ corruption ’ – but otherwise it ’ s just a continuation of an existing scheme @ @ @ @ @ member .
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The Coalition has followed the launch of its JobKeeper, JobSeeker and JobBuilder programs with a new JobsForMates scheme, designed to give a leg-up to struggling former MPs, staffers and donors.
The $2 billion scheme will help place eligible recipients in government-funded boards, advisory councils and diplomatic postings. Some of the money will also be set aside to help pay for vital au pair services for those eligible.
The Government says the program will help ensure the employment rate of its former colleagues doesn’t dip below 100%.
While the announcement was met positively by those within the Government, critics claim the scheme is actually just a re-announcement of an existing program which has been in place for years.
“I don’t see anything new in this announcement,” one critic said. “It’s got a fancy new name – it used to just be called ‘corruption’ – but otherwise it’s just a continuation of an existing scheme”.


theshovel--2020-07-19--Parliament cancelled due to absence of readily-available global network of interconnected computers

Parliament cancelled due to absence of readily-available global network of interconnected computers that allows people to communicate remotely

Scott Morrison has cancelled the upcoming sitting of parliament , saying he just wished there was a way for MPs to communicate with each other without having to be in the same physical space .
“ With COVID-19 still not fully under control we can ’ t have politicians travelling to Canberra .
If only there was some sort of global network of interconnected computers – linked through a cabling system , or an existing phone network , say – that allowed people to communicate with one another remotely , ” Mr Morrison said .
“ I mean , it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s like on those sci-fi movies where you can just beam someone into a conversation using a computer screen ” .
But technology experts disagree with Mr Morrison ’ s assessment , saying a remotely-accessible platform for hosting half-baked debates , name-calling , misleading information , shameless self-promotion and personal abuse already exists .
“ It ’ s called Twitter ” .
Government Services Minister Stuart Robert later offered to provide his internet connection for a remote sitting of Parliament , but advised that it would cost $ 40 million a month .
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Scott Morrison has cancelled the upcoming sitting of parliament, saying he just wished there was a way for MPs to communicate with each other without having to be in the same physical space.
“With COVID-19 still not fully under control we can’t have politicians travelling to Canberra. If only there was some sort of global network of interconnected computers – linked through a cabling system, or an existing phone network, say – that allowed people to communicate with one another remotely,” Mr Morrison said.
“I mean, it’s not as if it’s like on those sci-fi movies where you can just beam someone into a conversation using a computer screen”.
But technology experts disagree with Mr Morrison’s assessment, saying a remotely-accessible platform for hosting half-baked debates, name-calling, misleading information, shameless self-promotion and personal abuse already exists. “It’s called Twitter”.
Government Services Minister Stuart Robert later offered to provide his internet connection for a remote sitting of Parliament, but advised that it would cost $40 million a month.


theshovel--2020-07-19--Brighton Woman Happy To Wear Face Mask If It Helps Stem Worrying New Outbreak Of Acne

A woman from Melbourne ’ s bayside suburb of Brighton says she is more than willing to comply with new @ @ @ @ @ will stop the spread of an annoying bout of acne , which reared up over @ @ @ @ @ said the recent outbreak was just awful and she would do whatever it took to @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s just so distressing seeing this thing get worse and worse .
Everyone @ @ @ @ @ it , ” she said .
“ While I wouldn ’ t usually wear a @ @ @ @ @ , if Dan Andrews believes this is what it will take to get back to @ @ @ @ @ then I ’ ll do whatever it takes .
It ’ s a small price @ @ @ @ @ when you think about it ” .
She said many of her friends would be @ @ @ @ @ So many people are affected by this .
It really has been a terrible year @ @ @ @ @ member .
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A woman from Melbourne’s bayside suburb of Brighton says she is more than willing to comply with new face mask rules if it will stop the spread of an annoying bout of acne, which reared up over the weekend.
Simone Hallaway-Cox said the recent outbreak was just awful and she would do whatever it took to stop it spreading.
“It’s just so distressing seeing this thing get worse and worse. Everyone seems to be talking about it,” she said.
“While I wouldn’t usually wear a face mask out in public, if Dan Andrews believes this is what it will take to get back to soft, silky skin, then I’ll do whatever it takes. It’s a small price to pay for perfect skin when you think about it”.
She said many of her friends would be wearing masks too. “So many people are affected by this. It really has been a terrible year”.


theshovel--2020-07-21--‘No One Tells Me What To Do’ Says Man Who Does Whatever Pete Evans Tells Him To Do

A man who hasn ’ t vaccinated his children , doesn ’ t believe in sunscreen and owns a $ 15,000 Pete Evans BioCharger lamp , says he is a free-thinking individual who will never be dictated to by others .
Byron Bay man Denis Wilton , who believes Bill Gates started coronavirus but also that 5G towers started coronavirus , said it was laughable how everyone had become ‘ sheep ’ who just blindly follow whatever they are told .
“ They ’ re all just lemmings , accepting whatever someone else says without actually questioning it , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s a guy called QAnon imbedded in the White House who communicates via 4chan and is going to overthrow the deep state .
Wilton said when it came to the wearing of face masks to protect against COVID-19 , he wasn ’ t about to just accept what someone told him to do .
“ I ’ ll do my own research on Pete Evans ’ s Instagram feed and find out what I think there , thanks very much ” .
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A man who hasn’t vaccinated his children, doesn’t believe in sunscreen and owns a $15,000 Pete Evans BioCharger lamp, says he is a free-thinking individual who will never be dictated to by others.
Byron Bay man Denis Wilton, who believes Bill Gates started coronavirus but also that 5G towers started coronavirus, said it was laughable how everyone had become ‘sheep’ who just blindly follow whatever they are told.
“They’re all just lemmings, accepting whatever someone else says without actually questioning it,” said the man who believes there’s a guy called QAnon imbedded in the White House who communicates via 4chan and is going to overthrow the deep state.
Wilton said when it came to the wearing of face masks to protect against COVID-19, he wasn’t about to just accept what someone told him to do. “I’ll do my own research on Pete Evans’s Instagram feed and find out what I think there, thanks very much”.


theshovel--2020-07-20--All Melbourne security guards must wear face masks when having sex with quarantine guests, Andrews s

All Melbourne security guards must wear face masks when having sex with quarantine guests, Andrews says

Victorian Premier Dan Andrews has announced that all Melbourne security guards working at quarantine hotels must wear a face-covering when @ @ @ @ @ Mr Andrews said the new measures – which come into effect from Thursday – are @ @ @ @ @ effort to stem the spread of COVID-19 from returned travellers to the general population .
@ @ @ @ @ that wearing a mask can stop the coronavirus spreading , ” Mr Andrews said in @ @ @ @ @ “ So if you ’ re a bouncer and you ’ re thinking of going @ @ @ @ @ ’ s room for a bit of sex without a mask on , think again @ @ @ @ @ face covering , no exceptions ” .
Fines will be imposed for any security guard @ @ @ @ @ Become a Shovel member .
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Victorian Premier Dan Andrews has announced that all Melbourne security guards working at quarantine hotels must wear a face-covering when banging COVID-19 positive guests.
Mr Andrews said the new measures – which come into effect from Thursday – are an important step in the effort to stem the spread of COVID-19 from returned travellers to the general population.
“The new advice is that wearing a mask can stop the coronavirus spreading,” Mr Andrews said in his daily press briefing. “So if you’re a bouncer and you’re thinking of going back to a hotel guest’s room for a bit of sex without a mask on, think again. You must wear a face covering, no exceptions”.
Fines will be imposed for any security guard breaching the new rules.


theshovel--2020-07-21--Dan Andrews Is Responsible For The Covid-19 Virus Which Doesn’t Exist, Andrew Bolt Says

Victorian Premier Dan Andrews is responsible for the disastrous outbreak of the coronavirus which is nothing more than a mild case of the flu , Sky News host Andrew Bolt says .
Bolt said the impact of the virus had been wildly exaggerated , adding that the Premier hadn ’ t done nearly enough to contain it .
The statement was part of a list of talking points circulated at Sky News , which outlines the network ’ s position on the coronavirus outbreak in Victoria .
The talking points include : • Dan Andrews is responsible for the COVID-19 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Dan Andrews kept the economy closed for too long and opened it up too early • Outsourcing to private enterprise is always preferable and Dan Andrews never should have outsourced to a private security firm • Individuals should take personal responsibility and we can ’ t believe the government hasn ’ t fixed the coronavirus for us • Wearing a face mask – which Andrews should have made mandatory weeks ago – is a breach of human rights Become a Shovel member .
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Victorian Premier Dan Andrews is responsible for the disastrous outbreak of the coronavirus which is nothing more than a mild case of the flu, Sky News host Andrew Bolt says.
Bolt said the impact of the virus had been wildly exaggerated, adding that the Premier hadn’t done nearly enough to contain it.
The statement was part of a list of talking points circulated at Sky News, which outlines the network’s position on the coronavirus outbreak in Victoria. The talking points include:


theshovel--2020-07-22--Government Hires NBN Co to Slow Transmission Speed Of Covid-19

With growth rates of the coronavirus continuing to concern authorities , the federal government has engaged NBN Co to help bring the transmission speed to a grinding halt .
The SLOW-SPREAD program ( Sketchy Legislation Our Wonderful State Parliamentarians Readily Endorse After Donations ) was put up for tender yesterday , with the final decision announced this morning .
“ We are pleased to announce that NBN Co has been awarded the contracts .
Their track record of providing Australia with the 127th slowest transmission speeds in the world will put us in good stead to fight this pandemic , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ We expect this program to be the envy of countries like Myanmar , Uganda , and Sierra Leone ” .
NBN Co ’ s initial proposal was seen as not slow enough .
Another , slower and more expensive version involving copper wiring , was later approved .
The SLOW-SPREAD program includes a range of measures to protect Australians from contracting COVID-19 , including social distancing between the federal government and the outcomes of their policies , and all parties currently involved washing their hands of the program once the next election @ @ @ @ @ @ @ program will be $ 150 billion .
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With growth rates of the coronavirus continuing to concern authorities, the federal government has engaged NBN Co to help bring the transmission speed to a grinding halt.
The SLOW-SPREAD program (Sketchy Legislation Our Wonderful State Parliamentarians Readily Endorse After Donations) was put up for tender yesterday, with the final decision announced this morning.
“We are pleased to announce that NBN Co has been awarded the contracts. Their track record of providing Australia with the 127th slowest transmission speeds in the world will put us in good stead to fight this pandemic,” Prime Minister Scott Morrison said.
“We expect this program to be the envy of countries like Myanmar, Uganda, and Sierra Leone”.
NBN Co’s initial proposal was seen as not slow enough. Another, slower and more expensive version involving copper wiring, was later approved.
The SLOW-SPREAD program includes a range of measures to protect Australians from contracting COVID-19, including social distancing between the federal government and the outcomes of their policies, and all parties currently involved washing their hands of the program once the next election takes place.
The cost of the program will be $150 billion.
____________
Vivienne Mitchell


theshovel--2020-07-23--Man On Plane Refuses To Wear Mask Because It Breaches His Human Rights

A passenger on a rapidly depressurising aeroplane has refused to fit himself with a mask , saying it was a contravention of his fundamental rights as a human being .
With the plane losing cabin pressure at an alarming rate , the man said he wasn ’ t just going to blindly follow the instructions of some authoritarian safety card .
“ This is fascism .
The fact that this dictator at the front of plane is telling me to put on a mask is exactly the reason why I refuse to do it , ” the man said as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ loved ones .
“ You people can surrender your freedoms if you want to , but I ’ m not going to give in to a police state .
What next ?
Seatbelts ?
” The man said masks were heavy to wear and felt too tight on the face .
“ It ’ s such an inconvenience to my freedom .
My uncle didn ’ t fight in three world wars for this bullshit !
Wake up sheeple !
You can ’ t … … oh , I ’ m starting to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t … ” Become a Shovel member .
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A passenger on a rapidly depressurising aeroplane has refused to fit himself with a mask, saying it was a contravention of his fundamental rights as a human being.
With the plane losing cabin pressure at an alarming rate, the man said he wasn’t just going to blindly follow the instructions of some authoritarian safety card.
“This is fascism. The fact that this dictator at the front of plane is telling me to put on a mask is exactly the reason why I refuse to do it,” the man said as other passengers fitted masks to themselves and loved ones.
“You people can surrender your freedoms if you want to, but I’m not going to give in to a police state. What next? Seatbelts?”
The man said masks were heavy to wear and felt too tight on the face. “It’s such an inconvenience to my freedom. My uncle didn’t fight in three world wars for this bullshit! Wake up sheeple! You can’t …
… oh, I’m starting to feel a little … light … you can’t …”


theshovel--2020-07-24--Apple has released a stylish new face mask for just $79 (official Apple-compatible straps sold separ

Apple has released a stylish new face mask for just $79 (official Apple-compatible straps sold separately for $12,000 each)

After a more sophisticated pandemic look ?
You might be in luck .
Tech giant Apple has announced a sleek @ @ @ @ @ it says perfectly balances form and functionality .
Named the iMask , the new facial @ @ @ @ @ nose and mouth , unless you own a Samsung in which case it won ’ @ @ @ @ @ at all .
At just $ 79 for the entry-level model ( the iMask+ is @ @ @ @ @ s fairly priced for such a beautifully designed piece .
Although the company said that @ @ @ @ @ official Apple compatible straps separately .
They cost $ 12,000 each .
Apple CEO Tim @ @ @ @ @ fabric would allow Apple iMask users to talk to one another seamlessly .
Wearers will @ @ @ @ @ friends and family wearing different masks , using a separate connector available exclusively at Apple @ @ @ @ @ Cook said the iMask2 , currently in development , would use an entirely different strap @ @ @ @ @ member .
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After a more sophisticated pandemic look? You might be in luck. Tech giant Apple has announced a sleek new facial mask offering that it says perfectly balances form and functionality.
Named the iMask, the new facial covering sits snuggly around your nose and mouth, unless you own a Samsung in which case it won’t fit on your face at all.
At just $79 for the entry-level model (the iMask+ is $799) it’s fairly priced for such a beautifully designed piece. Although the company said that customers would need to purchase official Apple compatible straps separately. They cost $12,000 each.
Apple CEO Tim Cook said the unique breathable fabric would allow Apple iMask users to talk to one another seamlessly. Wearers will be able to talk to friends and family wearing different masks, using a separate connector available exclusively at Apple stores or official on-sellers.
Cook said the iMask2, currently in development, would use an entirely different strap system.


theshovel--2020-07-28--Trump suggests closing hospitals to reduce COVID deaths

All 7,000 hospitals across America would be closed under a bold new plan to end the coronavirus crisis , outlined by President Trump today .
Pointing to the irrefutable link between hospitals and COVID-related deaths , Mr Trump said it was time to acknowledge the elephant in the room .
“ No one wants to talk about it , but the link is very , very clear , ” the President said .
“ Every day I hear about a new death and I ask my people – ‘ Where are these deaths happening ?
’ – and they tell @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hospital in Baltimore , or the St Joseph ’ s hospital in Tampa , or some hospital in Dallas .
It ’ s always hospitals .
“ But the Democrats don ’ t want to admit it .
They don ’ t want to talk about it .
They ’ d prefer to keep the hospitals open and keep seeing the deaths pile up ” .
He said the number of hospitals in America was the reason for the high number of deaths .
“ We have more hospitals in America than anywhere @ @ @ @ @ @ @ many hospitals .
So of course that ’ s why we ’ re getting these deaths .
We close the hospitals , we stop the virus .
Simple ” .
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All 7,000 hospitals across America would be closed under a bold new plan to end the coronavirus crisis, outlined by President Trump today.
Pointing to the irrefutable link between hospitals and COVID-related deaths, Mr Trump said it was time to acknowledge the elephant in the room.
“No one wants to talk about it, but the link is very, very clear,” the President said.
“Every day I hear about a new death and I ask my people – ‘Where are these deaths happening?’ – and they tell me it’s the Johns Hopkins hospital in Baltimore, or the St Joseph’s hospital in Tampa, or some hospital in Dallas. It’s always hospitals.
“But the Democrats don’t want to admit it. They don’t want to talk about it. They’d prefer to keep the hospitals open and keep seeing the deaths pile up”.
He said the number of hospitals in America was the reason for the high number of deaths. “We have more hospitals in America than anywhere else in the world. Many, many hospitals. So of course that’s why we’re getting these deaths. We close the hospitals, we stop the virus. Simple”.


theshovel--2020-07-26--‘Bunnings Karen’ Flees Store After Staff Tell Her There Are A Dozen 5G Antennas In Aisle 14

The woman who refused to wear a mask at Bunnings because she said it breached the UN ’ s Universal @ @ @ @ @ quickly left the store after staff advised that there were half a dozen well-priced 5G @ @ @ @ @ .
After explaining that wearing a mask was a condition of entry , the Bunnings @ @ @ @ @ masks could be purchased for just $ 9.99 for a pack of ten .
“ @ @ @ @ @ there , next to the 5G antennas .
If you get to the vaccination section @ @ @ @ @ far , ” the employee said .
As the woman rushed towards the exit , @ @ @ @ @ her that she was going in the wrong direction .
“ Sorry madam , the @ @ @ @ @ .
There ’ s a big display of them , just there next to the @ @ @ @ @ The woman hasn ’ t been heard from since .
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The woman who refused to wear a mask at Bunnings because she said it breached the UN’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights, quickly left the store after staff advised that there were half a dozen well-priced 5G antennas available in aisle 14.
After explaining that wearing a mask was a condition of entry, the Bunnings employees told the woman that masks could be purchased for just $9.99 for a pack of ten.
“They’re just over there, next to the 5G antennas. If you get to the vaccination section you’ve gone too far,” the employee said.
As the woman rushed towards the exit, the staff member politely informed her that she was going in the wrong direction. “Sorry madam, the masks are back this way. There’s a big display of them, just there next to the bottles of chemtrails”.
The woman hasn’t been heard from since.


theshovel--2020-07-26--The woman in Bunnings was right: the 1948 Universal Declaration Of Human Rights does have a clause a

The woman in Bunnings was right: the 1948 Universal Declaration Of Human Rights does have a clause about the right not to wear a mask at discount hardware chains

A woman who refused to wear a mask in a Bunnings store because it contravened the 1948 Universal Declaration of Human Rights has been proven correct .
Analysis has found that the right not to wear a mask at discount hardware chains is outlined in the famous United Nations document , just below the right not to be held in slavery and the right not to be tortured .
Article 6 states that “ No-one shall be forced to wear a mask upon entering a discount hardware store , particularly living women , who have the right to do what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rights experts also found that Article 5 provides for the right of all humans to enjoy everyday low prices .
“ Everyone has the right to everyday low prices , which shall be considered just the beginning .
If a person finds a better price , they shall be entitled to demand that the price be beaten by 10 % ” .
There is no explicit mention of the right to onion with a sausage and bread , although experts say this is implied .
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A woman who refused to wear a mask in a Bunnings store because it contravened the 1948 Universal Declaration of Human Rights has been proven correct.
Analysis has found that the right not to wear a mask at discount hardware chains is outlined in the famous United Nations document, just below the right not to be held in slavery and the right not to be tortured.
Article 6 states that “No-one shall be forced to wear a mask upon entering a discount hardware store, particularly living women, who have the right to do what they want”.
Investigations by human rights experts also found that Article 5 provides for the right of all humans to enjoy everyday low prices. “Everyone has the right to everyday low prices, which shall be considered just the beginning. If a person finds a better price, they shall be entitled to demand that the price be beaten by 10%”.
There is no explicit mention of the right to onion with a sausage and bread, although experts say this is implied.
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theshovel--2020-07-28--‘The Today Show’ interviews convicted arsonist ‘Rob’ about why bushfires are great

Following its interview with anti-masker and conspiracy theorist ‘ Lizzy ’ , Channel Nine ’ s The Today Show has confirmed it will host a hard-hitting hitting chat with firebug ‘ Rob ’ about why bushfires are not as bad as some people think .
Host Karl Stefanovic said he didn ’ t necessarily agree with ‘ Rob ’ s ’ opinions , but believed it was important for viewers to hear both sides of the story .
“ We hear a lot from firefighters .
We hear a lot about the negative side of bushfires .
Are there positives @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said .
He said it was important to hear from a range of voices .
“ Rob is really passionate about this topic , and he knows a lot about it , so I think it ’ s fair enough that we get him on to hear what he has to say ” .
Co-host Ally Langdon said they were careful to only engage with subject matter experts .
“ So when we want to get a deeper understanding about COVID-19 , for example , we get a far-right conspiracy theorist on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ understand the corrosive effects of racism in Australia , we drop Pauline Hanson a line ” .
The Today Show ’ s producer said had no idea how the interview with Rob would play out .
“ I really don ’ t know , but if I had to guess , I reckon Rob will say that lighting bushfires should be legalised and de-stigmatised , we ’ ll send out a click-bait tweet asking what other people think about the issue , and then we ’ ll back down , claiming we had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ support the lighting of bushfires .
But that ’ s just one scenario – who knows ?
” .
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Following its interview with anti-masker and conspiracy theorist ‘Lizzy’, Channel Nine’s The Today Show has confirmed it will host a hard-hitting hitting chat with firebug ‘Rob’ about why bushfires are not as bad as some people think.
Host Karl Stefanovic said he didn’t necessarily agree with ‘Rob’s’ opinions, but believed it was important for viewers to hear both sides of the story.
“We hear a lot from firefighters. We hear a lot about the negative side of bushfires. Are there positives too? You decide,” Stefanovic said.
He said it was important to hear from a range of voices. “Rob is really passionate about this topic, and he knows a lot about it, so I think it’s fair enough that we get him on to hear what he has to say”.
Co-host Ally Langdon said they were careful to only engage with subject matter experts. “So when we want to get a deeper understanding about COVID-19, for example, we get a far-right conspiracy theorist on the show. Or when we want to understand the corrosive effects of racism in Australia, we drop Pauline Hanson a line”.
The Today Show’s producer said she had no idea how the interview with Rob would play out. “I really don’t know, but if I had to guess, I reckon Rob will say that lighting bushfires should be legalised and de-stigmatised, we’ll send out a click-bait tweet asking what other people think about the issue, and then we’ll back down, claiming we had no idea that an arsonist would ever support the lighting of bushfires. But that’s just one scenario – who knows?”.


theshovel--2020-07-28--Ned Kelly wore mask to stop spread of COVID, new documents show

Bushranger Ned Kelly travelled around Victoria with a full face covering because he wanted to do his bit to stop the coronavirus outbreak , new research has revealed .
In a letter to his mother , signed with the hashtag # MaskUpMelbourne , Kelly spoke of the need to get this thing under control so we can all go back to our normal lives .
“ I ’ m a big fan of these masks – a little heavy and hard to breath at first .
But you get used to it pretty quickly .
Staying apart keeps us together @ @ @ @ @ @ @ annoyed at others for not taking the virus seriously enough , and took it upon himself to confront those who didn ’ t wear masks , sometimes violently .
Historian Gemma Thrikos said the findings shed new light on the Kelly myth .
“ We ’ d always thought that he was on the run from the law .
But it turns out he was just trying to keep an appropriate social distance from others , ” she said .
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Bushranger Ned Kelly travelled around Victoria with a full face covering because he wanted to do his bit to stop the coronavirus outbreak, new research has revealed.
In a letter to his mother, signed with the hashtag #MaskUpMelbourne, Kelly spoke of the need to get this thing under control so we can all go back to our normal lives.
“I’m a big fan of these masks – a little heavy and hard to breath at first. But you get used to it pretty quickly. Staying apart keeps us together,” Kelly wrote.
Kelly became annoyed at others for not taking the virus seriously enough, and took it upon himself to confront those who didn’t wear masks, sometimes violently.
Historian Gemma Thrikos said the findings shed new light on the Kelly myth. “We’d always thought that he was on the run from the law. But it turns out he was just trying to keep an appropriate social distance from others,” she said.


theshovel--2020-07-30--Madonna says masks don’t stop coronavirus, but maybe that’s because she puts it over her eye

Pop legend Madonna has come under fire for posting conspiracy theories about COVID-19 , including claims that masks are ineffective .
But fans say Madonna may not have realised that you ’ re supposed to affix the mask over your nose and mouth , not over your left eye .
“ We ’ re fighting a virus , not launching an attack to steal bounty from a 17th century sea vessel .
But it ’ s an easy mistake to make , ” one fan said .
Others agreed it was unclear how to affix the masks .
“ There @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that explain where they need to go .
I put mine over my right kneecap to begin with , until some kind person pointed it out that I had it all wrong .
It ’ s on my left kneecap now ” .
Another fan said we should be more understanding .
“ We ’ ve all done it .
You ’ re trying to adjust your mask and get it all comfortable and the next thing you know it ’ s all up in your eye like you ’ re about to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ treasure .
I blame the masks to be honest ” .
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Pop legend Madonna has come under fire for posting conspiracy theories about COVID-19, including claims that masks are ineffective. But fans say Madonna may not have realised that you’re supposed to affix the mask over your nose and mouth, not over your left eye.
“We’re fighting a virus, not launching an attack to steal bounty from a 17th century sea vessel. But it’s an easy mistake to make,” one fan said.
Others agreed it was unclear how to affix the masks. “There are no instructions included with these masks that explain where they need to go. I put mine over my right kneecap to begin with, until some kind person pointed it out that I had it all wrong. It’s on my left kneecap now”.
Another fan said we should be more understanding. “We’ve all done it. You’re trying to adjust your mask and get it all comfortable and the next thing you know it’s all up in your eye like you’re about to launch an expedition to search for missing treasure. I blame the masks to be honest”.


theshovel--2020-07-30--Big Tech anti-trust hearing ends in farce after Google CEO starts randomly finishing interrogator’s

Big Tech anti-trust hearing ends in farce after Google CEO starts randomly finishing interrogator’s sentences

The congressional tasked with assessing the influence of the US ’ s big four technology companies was abandoned after Google CEO Sundar Pichai was unable to stop himself from finishing the interrogator ’ s questions .
Congresswoman Mary Gay Scanlon began by asking Pichai “ What do … ” before Pichai interrupted with “ What do lions eat ?
What do graphic designers do ?
What does lmao mean ?
All great questions and thanks so much for your interest ” .
Confused , the lawmaker pushed ahead , saying “ Sorry , that ’ s not what I meant @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you freeze milk ?
The short answer is yes .
Can you be allergic to water ?
That ’ s less common , ” Pichai said .
The increasingly frazzled congresswoman continued with , “ Should … ” before Pichai fired back , “ Should you pop blisters ?
Should you wash mushrooms ?
Should you give puppies milk ?
Look , I ’ ll be honest these are strange questions for a Congressional hearing – I ’ ll need to get back to you on those ” .
Scanlon tried again , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Should Google be used as a verb ?
Well , that ’ s up to the individual ” .
Mark Zuckerberg spent the hearing reciting the personal details of the lawmakers present .
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The congressional tasked with assessing the influence of the US’s big four technology companies was abandoned after Google CEO Sundar Pichai was unable to stop himself from finishing the interrogator’s questions.
Congresswoman Mary Gay Scanlon began by asking Pichai “What do …” before Pichai interrupted with “What do lions eat? What do graphic designers do? What does lmao mean? All great questions and thanks so much for your interest”.
Confused, the lawmaker pushed ahead, saying “Sorry, that’s not what I meant. Can you …”
“Can you freeze milk? The short answer is yes. Can you be allergic to water? That’s less common,” Pichai said.
The increasingly frazzled congresswoman continued with, “Should …” before Pichai fired back, “Should you pop blisters? Should you wash mushrooms? Should you give puppies milk? Look, I’ll be honest these are strange questions for a Congressional hearing – I’ll need to get back to you on those”.
Scanlon tried again, saying “Should Google …”
“Should Google be used as a verb? Well, that’s up to the individual”.
Mark Zuckerberg spent the hearing reciting the personal details of the lawmakers present.


theshovel--2020-08-02--For those of you in Melbourne who need cheering up, just remember that Sam Newman can’t play golf fo

For those of you in Melbourne who need cheering up, just remember that Sam Newman can’t play golf for the next 42 days

Things in Melbourne are pretty tough right now .
But mental health experts say one simple way to improve your @ @ @ @ @ Sam Newman dealing with the fact that he won ’ t be able to play @ @ @ @ @ “ It ’ s a really great way to rebalance , ” phycologist Sarah Lacey @ @ @ @ @ a minute or so each morning imagining a 74 year-old little boy with a plastic @ @ @ @ @ around his apartment because he is not allowed to go out and play , and @ @ @ @ @ .
It can have an instant effect ” .
Melbourne resident Evie Wilson said it @ @ @ @ @ her through lockdown .
“ It ’ s been really hard not being able to @ @ @ @ @ or go to restaurants .
But then I remember that Sam Newman can ’ t @ @ @ @ @ the whole thing worthwhile ” .
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Things in Melbourne are pretty tough right now. But mental health experts say one simple way to improve your mood is to think of Sam Newman dealing with the fact that he won’t be able to play golf until mid September.
“It’s a really great way to rebalance,” psychologist Sarah Lacey said. “Just spend a minute or so each morning imagining a 74 year-old little boy with a plastic face throwing his golf clubs around his apartment because he is not allowed to go out and play, and notice how your mood changes. It can have an instant effect”.
Melbourne resident Evie Wilson said it was the only thing getting her through lockdown. “It’s been really hard not being able to go out and see friends or go to restaurants. But then I remember that Sam Newman can’t play golf and it makes the whole thing worthwhile”.


theshovel--2020-08-02--News Corp to spend next 15 years denying existence of James Murdoch

News Corporation-owned television stations and news websites will spend at least the next decade claiming James Murdoch is not real .
The directive – believed to come from head office – has told staff to consistently deny the existence of James Murdoch , and to use confusing graphs and made-up statistics to make their case .
A panel of Fox News experts yesterday all agreed that the younger Murdoch son was a hoax created by vested interests in the left-wing media to create fear and division .
“ I ’ ve never seen James Murdoch in the flesh .
Have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ very suspicious ” one panellist said .
Another panellist took a different approach , saying , “ James Murdochs have been around for millennia .
It doesn ’ t mean there ’ s any link between this Murdoch and the Murdoch family ” .
While most experts have confirmed that James Murdoch is a real person , an editorial in The Australian pointed to evidence from another expert – columnist Miranda Divine – who said he is not .
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News Corporation-owned television stations and news websites will spend at least the next decade claiming James Murdoch is not real.
The directive – believed to come from head office – has told staff to consistently deny the existence of James Murdoch, and to use confusing graphs and made-up statistics to make their case.
A panel of Fox News experts yesterday all agreed that the younger Murdoch son was a hoax created by vested interests in the left-wing media to create fear and division.
“I’ve never seen James Murdoch in the flesh. Have you? It is all very, very suspicious” one panellist said.
Another panellist took a different approach, saying, “James Murdochs have been around for millennia. It doesn’t mean there’s any link between this Murdoch and the Murdoch family”.
While most experts have confirmed that James Murdoch is a real person, an editorial in The Australian pointed to evidence from another expert – columnist Miranda Divine – who said he is not.


theshovel--2020-08-03--Attention-seeking conspiracy theorists forced to film themselves not wearing mask while shopping onl

Attention-seeking conspiracy theorists forced to film themselves not wearing mask while shopping online

With retail stores closed in Melbourne , conspiracy theorists have resorted to posting videos of themselves not wearing a mask while shopping online , saying it ’ s the only way they can get attention under new lockdown rules .
One woman became embroiled in a heated argument with the Bunnings online help chat-bot , demanding to speak to the chat-bot ’ s manager .
“ I will remind you of the 1948 Universal Declaration of Human Rights , ” the woman typed , before the chat-bot responded with , “ It sounds like you want to do some home @ @ @ @ @ @ @ delivery service ?
” Frustrated , the woman asked why she was being discriminated against because of her gender , to which the chat-bot replied , “ That ’ s a great question .
Here are some links to our online DIY renovation videos ” .
Another woman , who called Kmart ’ s telephone ordering service , said it was her right not to wear a mask when shopping .
When told she didn ’ t have to wear a mask on the phone , the woman demanded to speak to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

With retail stores closed in Melbourne, conspiracy theorists have resorted to posting videos of themselves not wearing a mask while shopping online, saying it’s the only way they can get attention under new lockdown rules.
One woman became embroiled in a heated argument with the Bunnings online help chat-bot, demanding to speak to the chat-bot’s manager.
“I will remind you of the 1948 Universal Declaration of Human Rights,” the woman typed, before the chat-bot responded with, “It sounds like you want to do some home renovations. Have you considered our home delivery service?”
Frustrated, the woman asked why she was being discriminated against because of her gender, to which the chat-bot replied, “That’s a great question. Here are some links to our online DIY renovation videos”.
Another woman, who called Kmart’s telephone ordering service, said it was her right not to wear a mask when shopping. When told she didn’t have to wear a mask on the phone, the woman demanded to speak to the manager.


theshovel--2020-08-06--Customers to notice no difference after Tiger Airways announces it will no longer fly

Virgin Australia ’ s new owners have reassured customers that their decision to axe offshoot airline Tiger Airways will not make any difference to service levels , with the low-cost carrier to continue operating zero completed flights per day as usual .
“ We ’ ve made the difficult decision to continue the service levels that you have become accustomed to , ” a spokesperson for the airline said .
“ If you ’ re used to booking a Tiger flight , getting to the airport and then finding out that your flight won ’ t be leaving , nothing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about needing to book a ticket and going to the airport ” .
After months of doubt about the future of the airline , many Tiger customers say they are relieved to finally have some certainty – a new offering they are not used to experiencing with the airline .
One loyal Tiger Airlines customer who spoke to The Shovel today said , “ Having spent many hours in airport departure lounges waiting for a Tiger flight that never left , I can now have this same experience from the comfort of my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
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Virgin Australia’s new owners have reassured customers that their decision to axe offshoot airline Tiger Airways will not make any difference to service levels, with the low-cost carrier to continue operating zero completed flights per day as usual.
“We’ve made the difficult decision to continue the service levels that you have become accustomed to,” a spokesperson for the airline said. “If you’re used to booking a Tiger flight, getting to the airport and then finding out that your flight won’t be leaving, nothing will change, except for the bit about needing to book a ticket and going to the airport”.
After months of doubt about the future of the airline, many Tiger customers say they are relieved to finally have some certainty – a new offering they are not used to experiencing with the airline.
One loyal Tiger Airlines customer who spoke to The Shovel today said, “Having spent many hours in airport departure lounges waiting for a Tiger flight that never left, I can now have this same experience from the comfort of my own home”.


theshovel--2020-08-05--Americans amazed by fancy new Australian technique called ‘Journalism’

Viewers across America have looked on in amazement as an Australian man managed to hold Donald Trump to account using a new magic technique known as ‘ journalism ’ .
People were glued to their screens as presenter Jonathan Swan appeared to use journalism on the President , at one point coaxing him into answering a question .
“ I ’ ve never seen anything like it , ” one viewer said .
“ The President said America was doing the best at coronavirus , and then this Aussie guy did this thing that I ’ ve never seen before @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It was astonishing ” .
Swan later confirmed he had used highly sophisticated methods previously not seen in the US , including ‘ follow-up questioning ’ and ‘ not blindly accepting insane bullshit ’ .
Many Americans said they were hopeful local reporters could also use the journalism .
“ I ’ m not sure what they teach them Down Under , ” one man said , “ but that journalism thing was some pretty impressive shit ” .
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Viewers across America have looked on in amazement as an Australian man managed to hold Donald Trump to account using a new magic technique known as ‘journalism’.
People were glued to their screens as presenter Jonathan Swan appeared to use journalism on the President, at one point coaxing him into answering a question.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” one viewer said. “The President said America was doing the best at coronavirus, and then this Aussie guy did this thing that I’ve never seen before which was to ask for proof. It was astonishing”.
Swan later confirmed he had used highly sophisticated methods previously not seen in the US, including ‘follow-up questioning’ and ‘not blindly accepting insane bullshit’.
Many Americans said they were hopeful local reporters could also use the journalism. “I’m not sure what they teach them Down Under,” one man said, “but that journalism thing was some pretty impressive shit”.


theshovel--2020-08-06--Creepy Man Wants To Spy On Citizens

Creepy Man Wants To Spy On Citizens

A strange man from Brisbane has asked the government to let him spy on people .
It is not the @ @ @ @ @ made the odd request , with sources saying he is constantly asking for more surveillance @ @ @ @ @ to get a closer look at peoples ’ lives .
The man said he had @ @ @ @ @ extra special powers ’ , and promised he just wanted to nosey around a little @ @ @ @ @ t even know I ’ m watching , ” he said , grinning .
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A strange man from Brisbane has asked the government to let him spy on people.
It is not the first time the man has made the odd request, with sources saying he is constantly asking for more surveillance tools that will allow him to get a closer look at people’s lives.
The man said he had always dreamt of having ‘extra special powers’, and promised he just wanted to nosey around a little.
“You won’t even know I’m watching,” he said, grinning.


theshovel--2020-08-06--“Customers won’t notice any difference”: Tiger Airways announces it will no longer fly


theshovel--2020-08-09--Trump Finally Responds To COVID Crisis By Banning Lip-Syncing App

After months of inaction and obfuscation , Donald Trump has finally taken decisive action to address the coronavirus pandemic gripping @ @ @ @ @ lip-syncing app popular with teenagers .
As COVID-related deaths in the US topped 160,000 , @ @ @ @ @ to see sensible solutions .
“ If you ’ ve got a loved one who @ @ @ @ @ died from the virus , just know that your government is doing everything it can @ @ @ @ @ app , ” he said .
With some hospitals reaching breaking point and infection rates @ @ @ @ @ President Trump said the app would be shut down within weeks .
“ We know @ @ @ @ @ trying time for people – many , many people have died .
But mark my @ @ @ @ @ out of business in this country very , very soon ” .
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After months of inaction and obfuscation, Donald Trump has finally taken decisive action to address the coronavirus pandemic gripping his nation, banning a lip-syncing app popular with teenagers.
As COVID-related deaths in the US topped 160,000, Mr Trump said Americans wanted to see sensible solutions. “If you’ve got a loved one who is sick or who has died from the virus, just know that your government is doing everything it can to shut down this video app,” he said.
With some hospitals reaching breaking point and infection rates growing in many states, President Trump said the app would be shut down within weeks. “We know that this is a very trying time for people – many, many people have died. But mark my words, Tiktok will be out of business in this country very, very soon”.


theshovel--2020-07-30--Anti-trust hearing cancelled after Google CEO starts randomly finishing interrogator’s sentences


theshovel--2020-08-09--Trump Finally Responds To COVID Crisis By Banning TikTok


theshovel--2020-08-10--Mount Rushmore Announces Plans To Add Face Of Barack Obama, Just To Fuck With Trump

Just days after Donald Trump enquired about having his face added to Mount Rushmore , the organisation that oversees the famous monument has confirmed it will add the bust of Barack Obama , saying it would be worth the cost and effort just to see Trump lose his delicate little mind .
“ Usually we ’ d wait until a former president has died before considering them for the monument .
But the opportunity to see Trump all wound up was just too good to miss .
It ’ s like taunting a toddler – so much fun !
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rushmore said .
Davis said the decision to also add a bust of Hillary Clinton was more controversial – given Clinton was never president – but argued you sometimes had to break with tradition if there was sufficient entertainment value .
“ This is what our country needs right now ” .
In a statement , Donald Trump said he wasn ’ t worried at all about the addition of Barak Obama to Mount Rushmore and has ordered the site to be bombed .
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Just days after Donald Trump enquired about having his face added to Mount Rushmore, the organisation that oversees the famous monument has confirmed it will add the bust of Barack Obama, saying it would be worth the cost and effort just to see Trump lose his delicate little mind.
“Usually we’d wait until a former president has died before considering them for the monument. But the opportunity to see Trump all wound up was just too good to miss. It’s like taunting a toddler – so much fun!” Tracey Davis, a spokesperson for Mount Rushmore said.
Davis said the decision to also add a bust of Hillary Clinton was more controversial – given Clinton was never president – but argued you sometimes had to break with tradition if there was sufficient entertainment value. “This is what our country needs right now”.
In a statement, Donald Trump said he wasn’t worried at all about the addition of Barak Obama to Mount Rushmore and has ordered the site to be bombed.


theshovel--2020-08-11--Trump calls emergency meeting to come up with sexist nickname for Kamala Harris

Saying it was the most pressing issue facing his country right now , Donald Trump has cut short a Florida golf trip to urgently assemble a short-list of misogynistic slurs for Democratic vice presidential pick Kamala Harris .
Mr Trump gathered together his top advisors for a short-notice meeting in the White House , saying it was the most important work they would do this year .
“ You might be worried about the China Virus or the economy .
But what ’ s going to keep me up at night is whether or not I can land a catchy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of her body parts , ” he said .
Advisors suggested a range of adjectives from previously-assembled lists including ‘ nasty ’ , ‘ no-talent ’ and ‘ overrated ’ , but Mr Trump said they were not nearly bigoted enough .
“ We haven ’ t even explored words yet that reference her race .
Come on people – let ’ s focus !
And what do we rate her out of ten ?
These are the sort of key statistics that I need to have on my desk by the end @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Shovel .
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Saying it was the most pressing issue facing his country right now, Donald Trump has cut short a Florida golf trip to urgently assemble a short-list of misogynistic slurs for Democratic vice presidential pick Kamala Harris.
Mr Trump gathered together his top advisors for a short-notice meeting in the White House, saying it was the most important work they would do this year.
“You might be worried about the China Virus or the economy. But what’s going to keep me up at night is whether or not I can land a catchy name for Kamala Harris that makes fun of her body parts,” he said.
Advisors suggested a range of adjectives from previously-assembled lists including ‘nasty’, ‘no-talent’ and ‘overrated’, but Mr Trump said they were not nearly bigoted enough.
“We haven’t even explored words yet that reference her race. Come on people – let’s focus! And what do we rate her out of ten? These are the sort of key statistics that I need to have on my desk by the end of the day.”.


theshovel--2020-08-12--“Daniel Andrews is a dictator and also he didn’t use the army enough” – read today’s News Corp edito

“Daniel Andrews is a dictator and also he didn’t use the army enough” – read today’s News Corp editorial

EDITORIAL : We ’ ve said it in our editorials before .
We are living under the iron rule of what can only be described as a despotic regime .
Citizens confined to their homes , cafes and restaurants shuttered , police patrolling the streets , with fines for anyone who doesn ’ t comply .
And don ’ t even dare go out after 8pm .
If this isn ’ t a police state we don ’ t know what is .
The North Koreans have it easier than this .
And now we hear that Daniel Andrews had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to control Victoria ’ s citizens , and he refused .
What an utter disgrace .
When it is so clear that what the streets of Melbourne need more than ever is a bigger military presence , more boots on the ground , Daniel Andrews failed us .
Too weak to take control of his own state .
Too soft on law and order to get people into line .
When Victoria was crying out for the army to take over , Dictator Dan said no .
This is what anarchy looks like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will Dan Andrews take responsibility for the New Zealand COVID outbreak ?
Four cases yesterday ; four more cases today , yet still no word from the Victorian premier .
People will die because of this .
But Daniel Andrews refuses to apologise .
Once again he selfishly focuses purely on Victoria .
He hasn ’ t apologised for the new Nickelback album yet either .
But that ’ s a story for tomorrow ’ s editorial .
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EDITORIAL: We’ve said it in our editorials before. We are living under the iron rule of what can only be described as a despotic regime. Citizens confined to their homes, cafes and restaurants shuttered, police patrolling the streets, with fines for anyone who doesn’t comply. And don’t even dare go out after 8pm. If this isn’t a police state we don’t know what is. The North Koreans have it easier than this.
And now we hear that Daniel Andrews had the opportunity to bring in the army to control Victoria’s citizens, and he refused. What an utter disgrace. When it is so clear that what the streets of Melbourne need more than ever is a bigger military presence, more boots on the ground, Daniel Andrews failed us. Too weak to take control of his own state. Too soft on law and order to get people into line. When Victoria was crying out for the army to take over, Dictator Dan said no. This is what anarchy looks like.
And one more thing. When will Dan Andrews take responsibility for the New Zealand COVID outbreak? Four cases yesterday; four more cases today, yet still no word from the Victorian premier.
People will die because of this. But Daniel Andrews refuses to apologise. Once again he selfishly focuses purely on Victoria. He hasn’t apologised for the new Nickelback album yet either. But that’s a story for tomorrow’s editorial.


theshovel--2020-08-13--Failing Uni students will lose access to HECS, says government that MISCALCULATED BUDGET SPENDING BY

Failing Uni students will lose access to HECS, says government that MISCALCULATED BUDGET SPENDING BY LITERALLY $60 BILLION

Students who are unable to meet the demands of their university studies may have their access to HECS and HELP @ @ @ @ @ misjudged its spending measures by an amount equal to the GDP of a small nation @ @ @ @ @ Tehan – who ( and this is absolutely fucking true ) – put the WRONG @ @ @ @ @ announcing the proposal , said the change would ensure students were academically suited to their @ @ @ @ @ the change could save the government $ 14 trillion a year , a figure which @ @ @ @ @ $ 880 .
In unrelated news , Immigration Minster Peter Dutton said he had the @ @ @ @ @ against Scott Morrison .
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Students who are unable to meet the demands of their university studies may have their access to HECS and HELP removed, a government that misjudged its spending measures by an amount equal to the GDP of a small nation says.
Education Minister Dan Tehan – who (and this is absolutely fucking true) – put the WRONG YEAR on the media release announcing the proposal, said the change would ensure students were academically suited to their course.
Mr Tehan said the change could save the government $14 trillion a year, a figure which he later revised down to $880.
In unrelated news, Immigration Minister Peter Dutton said he had the numbers to launch a challenge against Scott Morrison.


theshovel--2020-08-17--Fox News makes editorial decision not to focus on Kamala Harris’s race, saying it will focus only on

Fox News makes editorial decision not to focus on Kamala Harris’s race, saying it will focus only on her gender

TV network Fox News says that after much reflection and internal debate , they have decided not to focus on vice presidential candidate Kamala Harris ’ s race , saying viewers in 2020 were more interested in scrutinising her suitability as a woman .
“ It ’ s 2020 for goodness sake , ” the network ’ s editorial director said .
“ I think it ’ s time for us to move on from focusing on someone ’ s race .
The more important question is , can a woman be trusted with America ’ s nuclear codes ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ were looking for deeper analysis .
“ This is a very important election both economically and socially , so I think you can expect us to examine very closely Ms Harris ’ s choices in clothing , ” he said .
But insiders say the decision not to focus on race is based on more practical reasons .
“ We ’ d love to present both racist and sexist lines about Kamala Harris , but the truth is our viewers struggle with processing more than one bigoted concept at a time .
That @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one , ” the source said .
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TV network Fox News says that after much reflection and internal debate, they have decided not to focus on vice presidential candidate Kamala Harris’s race, saying viewers in 2020 were more interested in scrutinising her suitability as a woman.
“It’s 2020 for goodness sake,” the network’s editorial director said. “I think it’s time for us to move on from focusing on someone’s race. The more important question is, can a woman be trusted with America’s nuclear codes?”
He said Fox’s viewers were looking for deeper analysis. “This is a very important election both economically and socially, so I think you can expect us to examine very closely Ms Harris’s choices in clothing,” he said.
But insiders say the decision not to focus on race is based on more practical reasons. “We’d love to present both racist and sexist lines about Kamala Harris, but the truth is our viewers struggle with processing more than one bigoted concept at a time. That’s why we had to choose one,” the source said.


theshovel--2020-08-19--Morrison promises free vaccinations for all Australians living in marginal electorates

Scott Morrison says all Australians in Liberal-held electorates on a margin of less than 2 % can look forward to @ @ @ @ @ available , possibly as early as next year .
The Prime Minister said while he @ @ @ @ @ to all Australians , it was important to prioritise those most in need .
“ @ @ @ @ @ vaccination out to those in the community who need it most .
If someone is @ @ @ @ @ in a safe Labor seat like Lalor , then they can probably wait a little @ @ @ @ @ tradie in Bass .
That ’ s going to be a very , very important @ @ @ @ @ and they ’ re the tough calls we ’ re going to have to make @ @ @ @ @ would be allocated using a colour-coded spreadsheet which he would micromanage from arm ’ s @ @ @ @ @ .
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Scott Morrison says all Australians in Liberal-held electorates on a margin of less than 2% can look forward to free vaccinations when they become available, possibly as early as next year.
The Prime Minister said while he hoped to eventually provide vaccinations to all Australians, it was important to prioritise those most in need.
“We need to get this vaccination out to those in the community who need it most. If someone is elderly or immunocompromised and living in a safe Labor seat like Lalor, then they can probably wait a little longer than a 35 year-old tradie in Bass. That’s going to be a very, very important seat come the next election and they’re the tough calls we’re going to have to make”.
Morrison said vaccinations would be allocated using a colour-coded spreadsheet which he would micromanage from arm’s length.


theshovel--2020-08-20--Trump supporters are slashing their tyres in support of the President’s Goodyear boycott

Trump supporters across America having taken knives to their own vehicles , after the President urged them to boycott tyre @ @ @ @ @ Goodyear ’ s decision to ban its staff from wearing political clothing , including MAGA @ @ @ @ @ m gon na drive down to get me a new set of Michelins , ” @ @ @ @ @ , before releasing he couldn ’ t drive anywhere because his truck ’ s tyres @ @ @ @ @ who the hell did that now ?
” he said , before putting on a @ @ @ @ @ and slashing the tyres of his wife ’ s car .
Sally Annesley from North @ @ @ @ @ of ‘ unAmerican ’ companies like Goodyear meddling in politics and would replace the tyres @ @ @ @ @ more patriotic brand like Yokohama .
“ Real patriots drive with Yokohamas ” she said @ @ @ @ @ Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Trump supporters across America have taken knives to their own vehicles, after the President urged them to boycott tyre brand Goodyear.
It follows Goodyear’s decision to ban its staff from wearing political clothing, including MAGA hats.
“I’m gonna drive down to get me a new set of Michelins,” Johnny Walter from Idaho said, before realising he couldn’t drive anywhere because his truck’s tyres were slashed. “Well who the hell did that now?” he said, before putting on a Make America Great Again hat and slashing the tyres of his wife’s car.
Sally Annesley from North Carolina said she was sick of ‘unAmerican’ companies like Goodyear meddling in politics and would replace the tyres on her Toyota with a more patriotic brand like Yokohama.
“Real patriots drive with Yokohamas” she said.


theshovel--2020-08-21--Morrison introduces ‘No Jab, No Negative Gearing’ vaccination policy, to encourage take-up amongst s

Morrison introduces ‘No Jab, No Negative Gearing’ vaccination policy, to encourage take-up amongst supporters

In response to questions about how a mandatory COVID-19 vaccination would be enforced , Scott Morrison today announced a ‘ No Jab , No Negative Gearing ’ policy , which would require people to get immunised against the virus before they could write off their investment property .
“ Australians love nothing more than negatively gearing houses , ” a spokesperson for the program said .
“ All those fuckers whinging about their ‘ freedoms ’ or ‘ the risk of autism ’ will change their mind pretty quickly when they realise there ’ s tax free cash on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , No Negative Gearing ’ policy forms part of a broader ‘ JabKeeper ’ program which would require all those reliant on government welfare – including mining magnates , politicians , property investors and franking credit recipients – to become vaccinated .
“ All I ’ m asking is for rich people to function like the self-centred pricks they are , ” Mr Morrison said , in a direct appeal to his constituents .
“ If you ’ re paying overprice for a reno on your brother ’ s ABN to fraudulently value-add @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you ’ re a lowly multinational , syphoning millions of funds through an elaborate shelf company offshore .
Or if you just want to your taxable income to be zeroed out as usual , no problems , I ’ m here for you .
Just get vaccinated first ” .
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In response to questions about how a mandatory COVID-19 vaccination would be enforced, Scott Morrison today announced a ‘No Jab, No Negative Gearing’ policy, which would require people to get immunised against the virus before they could write off their investment property.
“Australians love nothing more than negatively gearing houses,” a spokesperson for the program said. “All those fuckers whinging about their ‘freedoms’ or ‘the risk of autism’ will change their mind pretty quickly when they realise there’s tax free cash on the line”.
The ‘No Jab, No Negative Gearing’ policy forms part of a broader ‘JabKeeper’ program which would require all those reliant on government welfare – including mining magnates, politicians, property investors and franking credit recipients – to become vaccinated.
“All I’m asking is for rich people to function like the self-centred pricks they are,” Mr Morrison said, in a direct appeal to his constituents.
“If you’re paying overprice for a reno on your brother’s ABN to fraudulently value-add to your third investment property. If you’re a lowly multinational, syphoning millions of funds through an elaborate shelf company offshore. Or if you just want your taxable income to be zeroed out as usual, no problems, I’m here for you. Just get vaccinated first”.


theshovel--2020-08-23--Masked Singer Postponed, In First Sign Things In 2020 Are Turning Around

Reality singing show The Masked Singer has been suspended for at least two weeks in a sign that things in @ @ @ @ @ to look up .
After months of bad news , the show ’ s postponement @ @ @ @ @ hope to a population worn down by continuous setbacks .
But while commentators said they @ @ @ @ @ it was the last time we would see C-grade celebrities trying to resurrect their careers @ @ @ @ @ television show marketed to adults , they warned against complacency .
“ This is good @ @ @ @ @ to be vigilant – the show could return at any moment , ” one expert @ @ @ @ @ judges will now have to isolate , except Dannii Minogue who is rich .
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Reality singing show The Masked Singer has been suspended for at least two weeks in a sign that things in 2020 may finally be starting to look up.
After months of bad news, the show’s postponement offered a rare glimmer of hope to a population worn down by continuous setbacks.
But while commentators said they were ‘cautiously optimistic’ it was the last time we would see C-grade celebrities trying to resurrect their careers on a children’s television show marketed to adults, they warned against complacency.
“This is good news. But we need to be vigilant – the show could return at any moment,” one expert said.
All contestants and judges will now have to isolate, except Dannii Minogue who is rich.


theshovel--2020-08-23--Melania Trump’s before-and-after pics of her Oval Office redecoration have everyone talking

Following her controversial update of the Rose Garden , First Lady Melania Trump has unveiled the changes she has made @ @ @ @ @ revealing a new look that she says captures the unique character of her husband ’ @ @ @ @ @ for the White House said Mrs Trump chose to remove the curtains , carpet , @ @ @ @ @ well as the sophistication , beauty and charm , and updated it with a soul-destroying @ @ @ @ @ of the nation .
Critics , who described the style as ‘ apocalypse chic ’ @ @ @ @ @ reflected the president ’ s soul .
“ Whichever way you look at it , @ @ @ @ @ looks horrifying .
It ’ s very clever , ” one critic said .
Donald @ @ @ @ @ have the corners removed from the Oval Office .
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Following her controversial update of the Rose Garden, First Lady Melania Trump has unveiled the changes she has made to the Oval Office, revealing a new look that she says captures the unique character of her husband’s presidency.
A spokesperson for the White House said Mrs Trump chose to remove the curtains, carpet, desk and paintings, as well as the sophistication, beauty and charm, and updated it with a soul-destroying aesthetic that reflects the mood of the nation.
Critics, who described the style as ‘apocalypse chic’, said the update cleverly reflected the president’s soul. “Whichever way you look at it, from whatever angle, it looks horrifying. It’s very clever,” one critic said.
Donald Trump had originally asked to have the corners removed from the Oval Office.


theshovel--2020-08-24--Kim Jong-Un Dies Again

Kim Jong-Un Dies Again

In what has become an inconvenient distraction from his leadership , North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un died again this week , making it the fourth time he has passed away this year .
Sources close to the supreme leader say they are finding it increasingly difficult to deliver on his plans for the nation , given he is spending more and more time dead .
“ I ’ m not going to lie , it ’ s pretty frustrating , ” a senior government official said .
“ You set up a meeting to go through economic planning or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cancels at the last minute because he ’ s dead .
It ’ s a little inconsiderate ” .
Kim himself is said to be irritated by the constant dying , saying it ’ s difficult to get anything done when you ’ re not alive .
He has asked doctors to look for ways to keep him undead for longer stretches .
Meanwhile , Kim ’ s latest death has sent the Republican National Convention into disarray , forcing them to find a last-minute replacement for their key-note speaker .
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In what has become an inconvenient distraction from his leadership, North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un died again this week, making it the fourth time he has passed away this year.
Sources close to the supreme leader say they are finding it increasingly difficult to deliver on his plans for the nation, given he is spending more and more time dead.
“I’m not going to lie, it’s pretty frustrating,” a senior government official said. “You set up a meeting to go through economic planning or propaganda development with Kim and then he cancels at the last minute because he’s dead. It’s a little inconsiderate”.
Kim himself is said to be irritated by the constant dying, saying it’s difficult to get anything done when you’re not alive. He has asked doctors to look for ways to keep him undead for longer stretches.
Meanwhile, Kim’s latest death has sent the Republican National Convention into disarray, forcing them to find a last-minute replacement for their key-note speaker.
________________________
With Terry Beular


theshovel--2020-08-25--Trump Outlines Plans For Second Season

Trump Outlines Plans For Second Season

In a rousing speech at the Republican National Convention , Donald Trump said he was confident the Trump Presidency would @ @ @ @ @ season , outlining a proposal for new storylines which he believes will keep the American @ @ @ @ @ .
Pointing to ratings figures which he said were higher than any other president , @ @ @ @ @ be even bigger and better .
“ Nobody ’ s ever seen anything like it @ @ @ @ @ Season one , which included a pandemic , race riots , an impeachment , the @ @ @ @ @ institutions and most of the main characters being arrested on criminal charges , was criticised @ @ @ @ @ the top .
But Trump said the drama would intensify in season two .
“ @ @ @ @ @ of great stories , believe me .
The White Lives Matter protests in episode 5 @ @ @ @ @ m particularly looking forward to ” .
Seasons three and four are also slated for @ @ @ @ @ .
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In a rousing speech at the Republican National Convention, Donald Trump said he was confident the Trump Presidency would be renewed for a second season, outlining a proposal for new storylines which he believes will keep the American public glued to their television screens.
Pointing to ratings figures which he said were higher than any other president, Trump said season two would be even bigger and better. “Nobody’s ever seen anything like it,” he said.
Season one, which included a pandemic, race riots, an impeachment, the dismantling of a dozen democratic institutions and most of the main characters being arrested on criminal charges, was criticised for being unrealistic and over the top.
But Trump said the drama would intensify in season two. “There will be a lot of great stories, believe me. The White Lives Matter protests in episode 5 is one that I’m particularly looking forward to”.
Seasons three and four are also slated for production.


theshovel--2020-08-25--Catholic Church Opposes Vaccine, Suggests Moving COVID To Another Parish Instead

The Australian Catholic Church says it will not support a potential vaccine for the coronavirus , arguing that a more @ @ @ @ @ the virus to another location and pretending nothing had happened .
“ We ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ most effective way of dealing with unwanted problems , ” a spokesperson for the Church @ @ @ @ @ wants to go for elimination , but we ’ ve always preferred suppression ” .
@ @ @ @ @ lot of unnecessary time and effort .
“ Just relocate it for someone else to @ @ @ @ @ the virus will continue to infect others in the new location , but that ’ @ @ @ @ @ is it ?
The Church said it was opposed to a vaccine due to fears @ @ @ @ @ .
It is the first time the Church has shown concern for children .
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The Australian Catholic Church says it will not support a potential vaccine for the coronavirus, arguing that a more effective method would be moving the virus to another location and pretending nothing had happened.
“We’ve found it’s the most effective way of dealing with unwanted problems,” a spokesperson for the Church said.
“Everyone always wants to go for elimination, but we’ve always preferred suppression”.
He said it saved a lot of unnecessary time and effort. “Just relocate it for someone else to deal with. Yes, the virus will continue to infect others in the new location, but that’s no longer our problem is it?
The Church said it was opposed to a vaccine due to fears it may use foetal tissue. It is the first time the Church has shown concern for children.


theshovel--2020-08-27--Morrison Granted Exemption To Travel To Hawaii To Prepare For Upcoming Bushfire Season

The Prime Minister has been granted special permission to leave Australia as he prepares for the country ’ s next @ @ @ @ @ reminded Australians that the bushfire season will soon be upon us and that the most @ @ @ @ @ the threat was from a deck chair on Waikiki beach .
“ Everyone ’ s @ @ @ @ @ For some people it ’ s clearing the gutters .
For me , it ’ @ @ @ @ @ a bit of R & R , ” he said .
“ We learnt a @ @ @ @ @ last season .
And one of the things that hopefully you learnt is that I @ @ @ @ @ hose .
And the best place not to hold a hose is from a beach-side @ @ @ @ @ I ’ ll be holding a pina colada ” .
Australians are currently unable to @ @ @ @ @ permission or a mate in Government .
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The Prime Minister has been granted special permission to leave Australia as he prepares for the country’s next bushfire season.
Mr Morrison reminded Australians that the bushfire season will soon be upon us and that the most sensible way to prepare for the threat was from a deck chair on Waikiki beach.
“Everyone’s fire plan is different. For some people it’s clearing the gutters. For me, it’s clearing the schedule for a bit of R&R,” he said.
“We learnt a lot from the terrible bushfires last season. And one of the things that hopefully you learnt is that I don’t hold a hose. And the best place not to hold a hose is from a beach-side resort. In fact, I’ll be holding a pina colada”.
Australians are currently unable to leave the country without special permission or a mate in Government.


theshovel--2020-08-26--Tony Abbott Granted Special Leave To Totally Ruin Britain’s Department Of Trade

Former Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has been given special permission to leave the country in order to take up a role in which he will find new and peculiar ways to destroy Britain ’ s trade economy .
It what has been labelled an ‘ unprecedented attack on an ally ’ , the Australian Government will allow Mr Abbott to take up a role as Britain ’ s special trade envoy immediately .
Britain ’ s Department of Trade is expected to collapse within months .
While Mr Abbott himself is said to be taking the job seriously , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will only be a matter of time before he inadvertently ruins everything .
“ What Tony has a unique ability to do is to analyse a complex situation , weigh up all the potential actions , and then make the absolutely worst choice available , ” one associate said .
Mr Abbott – who has already negotiated to trade the intellectual property underpinning Britain ’ s COVID vaccination for a large shipment of raw onions – said the best way to improve the nation ’ s competitiveness would be to knight Prince Philip @ @ @ @ @ @ @ us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Former Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has been given special permission to leave the country in order to take up a role in which he will find new and peculiar ways to destroy Britain’s trade economy.
It what has been labelled an ‘unprecedented attack on an ally’, the Australian Government will allow Mr Abbott to take up a role as Britain’s special trade envoy immediately. Britain’s Department of Trade is expected to collapse within months.
While Mr Abbott himself is said to be taking the job seriously, those who know him concede that it will only be a matter of time before he inadvertently ruins everything. “What Tony has a unique ability to do is to analyse a complex situation, weigh up all the potential options, and then make the absolutely worst choice available,” one associate said.
Mr Abbott – who has already negotiated to trade the intellectual property underpinning Britain’s COVID vaccination for a large shipment of raw onions – said the best way to improve the nation’s competitiveness would be to knight Prince Philip.


theshovel--2020-08-25--‘Be Richer’, People Wishing To See Their Families Interstate Told

People unable to see their families due to closed state borders have been told to stop whinging about it and be a multi-millionaire instead .
A spokesperson for the government said he was sick of people complaining and reiterated that the notion that the borders were closed was simply incorrect .
“ There are plenty of ways to get across state lines .
Inherit a trucking company , buy a luxury yacht , start an international singing career if you need to .
But for God ’ s sake don ’ t just sit around whining about it .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people say they can ’ t see their families simply because they haven ’ t thought to develop the sort of wealth that buys them influence with senior government officials .
A bit late now .
You should ’ ve thought of that before the pandemic ” .
He said the exemption form was very clear .
“ Just attach proof of your income and then tick the box that says the rules don ’ t apply to you .
It couldn ’ t be simpler ” .
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People unable to see their families due to closed state borders have been told to stop whinging about it and be a multi-millionaire instead.
A spokesperson for the government said he was sick of people complaining and reiterated that the notion that the borders were closed was simply incorrect. “There are plenty of ways to get across state lines. Inherit a trucking company, buy a luxury yacht, start an international singing career if you need to. But for God’s sake don’t just sit around whining about it.
“I’m so tired of hearing people say they can’t see their families simply because they haven’t thought to develop the sort of wealth that buys them influence with senior government officials. A bit late now. You should’ve thought of that before the pandemic”.
He said the exemption form was very clear. “Just attach proof of your income and then tick the box that says the rules don’t apply to you. It couldn’t be simpler”.


theshovel--2020-08-30--Trump vows to end violence and destruction that’s become rampant under current President

Donald Trump has used the Republican National Convention to assure voters that he will clean up the mess and chaos @ @ @ @ @ everyday life under the current president .
Repeating the theme of law and order that @ @ @ @ @ , Mr Trump said the American people deserved better .
“ You walk out on @ @ @ @ @ you see is crime and poverty and destruction .
Well let me tell you that @ @ @ @ @ my watch , ” Trump said .
“ Our cities and our streets are out @ @ @ @ @ s like a nightmare out there .
I ’ m not sure who ’ s @ @ @ @ @ you elect me as your president , mark my words , I will sort it @ @ @ @ @ .
Trump also promised to stop illegal immigration into the country by building a wall @ @ @ @ @ Support The Shovel .
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Donald Trump has used the Republican National Convention to assure voters that he will clean up the mess and chaos that has become part of everyday life under the current president.
Repeating the theme of law and order that was referenced throughout the convention, Mr Trump said the American people deserved better.
“You walk out on to the streets and all you see is crime and poverty and destruction. Well let me tell you that won’t happen on my watch,” Trump said.
“Our cities and our streets are out of control. It’s like a nightmare out there. I’m not sure who’s in charge, but if you elect me as your president, mark my words, I will sort it out from day one”.
Trump also promised to stop illegal immigration into the country by building a wall on the US-Mexico border.


theshovel--2020-09-01--“We’re all in this together”, Morrison tells New South Wales, Queensland, Western Australia, South A

“We’re all in this together”, Morrison tells New South Wales, Queensland, Western Australia, South Australia, Tasmania, ACT and NT

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has delivered a rousing speech to most of the nation , reminding all of us – from New South Wales to Queensland , Western Australia to South Australia , Tasmania to ACT and the Northern Territory –that this is a challenge we need to face together .
“ It ’ s been a hard year .
But when we ’ re doing it tough , we come together to face it as one – five states , two territories , ” Mr Morrison said .
“ From down south to the far reaches of the north @ @ @ @ @ @ @ most of the east – we ’ re one nation ” .
He said it was important to show empathy in these trying times .
“ We all know someone who is doing it tough .
A family member in Wodonga ; a mate in Bordertown .
Reach out to them today ; see how they ’ re doing ” .
He said as Prime Minister in a time of crisis it was his job to calculate where he can afford to lose votes in order to bolster support elsewhere and shift the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ That ’ s leadership .
That ’ s what Australians need right now ” .
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Prime Minister Scott Morrison has delivered a rousing speech to most of the nation, reminding all of us – from New South Wales to Queensland, Western Australia to South Australia, Tasmania to ACT and the Northern Territory –that this is a challenge we need to face together.
“It’s been a hard year. But when we’re doing it tough, we come together to face it as one – five states, two territories,” Mr Morrison said.
“From down south to the far reaches of the north; from over in the west to most of the east – we’re one nation”.
He said it was important to show empathy in these trying times. “We all know someone who is doing it tough. A family member in Wodonga; a mate in Bordertown. Reach out to them today; see how they’re doing”.
He said as Prime Minister in a time of crisis it was his job to calculate where he can afford to lose votes in order to bolster support elsewhere and shift the conversation away from his own failings. “That’s leadership. That’s what Australians need right now”.


theshovel--2020-08-31--QAnon Still Living With His Mum

QAnon Still Living With His Mum

QAnon – the shadowy figure supposedly protecting the world against a cabal of Satan-worshipping paedophile celebrities who are trafficking children for their blood – is actually Nigel Grintly , a 34 year-old unemployed computer programmer from Iowa who lives in his mother ’ s basement .
Grintly said he first posted a message as ‘ Q ’ on a 4-chan message board as a joke , in order to impress a girl he met while gaming online .
He didn ’ t expect anyone to take the claim – that he is a former military operative with access to classified @ @ @ @ @ @ @ evil in an attempt to create the ‘ Great Awakening ’ – seriously .
The 34 year-old said he was surprised people believed he was a secret operative with the ear of the president , when the reality was he hadn ’ t left Iowa since that time he competed in a Dungeons and Dragons competition in 2008 .
He said he would be open to overthrowing the illuminati , but pointed out that his Mum had asked him to clean up his room first .
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QAnon – the shadowy figure supposedly protecting the world against a cabal of Satan-worshipping paedophile celebrities who are trafficking children for their blood – is actually Nigel Grintly, a 34 year-old unemployed computer programmer from Iowa who lives in his mother’s basement.
Grintly said he first posted a message as ‘Q’ on a 4-chan message board as a joke, in order to impress a girl he met while gaming online. He didn’t expect anyone to take the claim – that he is a former military operative with access to classified information who is battling the forces of evil in an attempt to create the ‘Great Awakening’ – seriously.
The 34 year-old said he was surprised people believed he was a secret operative with the ear of the president, when the reality was he hadn’t left Iowa since that time he competed in a Dungeons and Dragons competition in 2008.
He said he would be open to overthrowing the illuminati, but pointed out that his Mum had asked him to clean up his room first.


theshovel--2020-09-01--Aged Care Minister Wondering Why People Keep Thinking He’s Responsible For Aged Care

Aged Care Minister Richard Colbeck says he is confused by the growing number of people who seem to think he should be in some way accountable for issues relating to aged care .
“ It ’ s baffling , ” Colbeck said , bemoaning the amount of questions he had received about care for the elderly recently .
“ Is it something in my title ?
The name plate on my office door ?
The portfolio description on my website ?
I ’ m really not sure .
But since these issues in nursing homes have emerged , all of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do something about it .
It ’ s all very strange ” .
He said he started to get an inkling that people might think he is responsible for aged care while he was sitting in a Senate committee hearing last week .
“ So I ’ m sitting in this hearing and someone asks what the number of deaths in aged care due to COVID is .
And there ’ s silence for a while , and then I realise – shit – they ’ re talking to me !
They expect @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s quite bizarre ” .
Peter Dutton said he had experienced similar issues with the running of Border Force .
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Aged Care Minister Richard Colbeck says he is confused by the growing number of people who seem to think he should be in some way accountable for issues relating to aged care.
“It’s baffling,” Colbeck said, bemoaning the amount of questions he had received about care for the elderly recently. “Is it something in my title? The name plate on my office door? The portfolio description on my website? I’m really not sure. But since these issues in nursing homes have emerged, all of a sudden people are expecting me to do something about it. It’s all very strange”.
He said he started to get an inkling that people might think he is responsible for aged care while he was sitting in a Senate committee hearing last week. “So I’m sitting in this hearing and someone asks what the number of deaths in aged care due to COVID is. And there’s silence for a while, and then I realise – shit – they’re talking to me! They expect me to know this. It’s quite bizarre”.
Peter Dutton said he had experienced similar issues with the running of Border Force.