thoughtcatalog--2020-08-05--6 Things That Happen When You’re A Late Bloomer

1 .
You feel like you ’ re falling behind .
All of your friends have gone on dates and had their first kisses and lost their virginities .
Some of them might even be engaged with houses and babies .
Meanwhile , you ’ ve been sitting in your bedroom reading about romance in books and watching it in movies .
You ’ ve never experienced a beautiful love story yourself — and after a while , you start to wonder whether you ever will .
You wonder whether you ’ re destined to be alone forever .
2 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s hard not to get annoyed when you see someone with a mean , nasty , disrespectful personality dating someone special .
It ’ s hard not to compare yourself when you see someone your own age settle down with a family .
It ’ s hard not to feel like life is completely and totally unfair when people who aren ’ t even trying to look for love end up living out their happily ever afters , while you are still searching for someone to call your own .
3 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ everyone around you is in a relationship and you ’ re still painfully single , you start to think there ’ s something wrong with you .
You stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself why other people aren ’ t interested , why it seems like everyone around you has figured out how to navigate the dating world while you ’ re left on your own .
You feel like there must be something you ’ re missing .
There must be something you ’ re doing wrong .
4 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
You love hearing about what your friends have gotten up to over the weekends because they always have fun stories to tell .
Unfortunately , you don ’ t have any stories of your own to add .
You simply have to enjoy their drama .
You beg them to tell you every little detail about their dates and their sex life because it ’ s the most action you ’ re going to get .
5 .
You fall for unobtainable people .
It stings a little less when you have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can never have .
When a celebrity or a guy ( or girl ) who has never even spoken to you ends up dating someone else , it hurts , but you saw it coming .
You knew there was no chance that the two of you would end up together .
If you liked someone who could potentially like you back , on the other hand , it would be too stressful .
You don ’ t want to be fed false false hope .
You wouldn ’ t be able to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have the chance to learn more about yourself .
Even though you ’ ll spend years assuming it ’ s a bad thing that you ’ re such a late bloomer , eventually you ’ re going to realize that it was a blessing in disguise .
Your single years are giving you the chance to figure out what you wanted from a relationship .
Even more importantly , they are giving you the chance to learn how to survive on your own .
You ’ re stronger now .
You ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
And that ’ s a beautiful thing .

1. You feel like you’re falling behind. All of your friends have gone on dates and had their first kisses and lost their virginities. Some of them might even be engaged with houses and babies. Meanwhile, you’ve been sitting in your bedroom reading about romance in books and watching it in movies. You’ve never experienced a beautiful love story yourself — and after a while, you start to wonder whether you ever will. You wonder whether you’re destined to be alone forever.
2. You get jealous pretty easily. It’s hard not to get annoyed when you see someone with a mean, nasty, disrespectful personality dating someone special. It’s hard not to compare yourself when you see someone your own age settle down with a family. It’s hard not to feel like life is completely and totally unfair when people who aren’t even trying to look for love end up living out their happily ever afters, while you are still searching for someone to call your own.
3. You develop deep insecurities. When everyone around you is in a relationship and you’re still painfully single, you start to think there’s something wrong with you. You stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself why other people aren’t interested, why it seems like everyone around you has figured out how to navigate the dating world while you’re left on your own. You feel like there must be something you’re missing. There must be something you’re doing wrong.
4. You live vicariously through your friends. You love hearing about what your friends have gotten up to over the weekends because they always have fun stories to tell. Unfortunately, you don’t have any stories of your own to add. You simply have to enjoy their drama. You beg them to tell you every little detail about their dates and their sex life because it’s the most action you’re going to get.
5. You fall for unobtainable people. It stings a little less when you have a crush on someone you know you can never have. When a celebrity or a guy (or girl) who has never even spoken to you ends up dating someone else, it hurts, but you saw it coming. You knew there was no chance that the two of you would end up together. If you liked someone who could potentially like you back, on the other hand, it would be too stressful. You don’t want to be fed false false hope. You wouldn’t be able to take the rejection.
6. You have the chance to learn more about yourself. Even though you’ll spend years assuming it’s a bad thing that you’re such a late bloomer, eventually you’re going to realize that it was a blessing in disguise. Your single years are giving you the chance to figure out what you wanted from a relationship. Even more importantly, they are giving you the chance to learn how to survive on your own. You’re stronger now. You’re more capable. You can handle yourself. And that’s a beautiful thing.


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-05--13 Scariest Movie Villains Of All Time

13 Scariest Movie Villains Of All Time

Who are the scariest movie villains of cinematic history ?
Horror movie fans debate the question fervently .
Of all the bad guys , who is the worst bad guy ?
Here a guide to the creepiest horror villains of the movie world .
In John Carpenter ’ s classic , The Thing , the titular beast is an alien parasite , it takes the form of its host .
The paranoia and dread established when the cast realizes they are fighting an extraterrestrial that could look like anyone is unnerving .
We don ’ t know who to trust @ @ @ @ @ @ @ strike next .
There ’ s a reason this movie is brought up again and again when talking about movies that haunt viewer ’ s nightmares .
Biggest scare : Emerging from Norris after his body is defibrillated .
Count Orlok is the vampire and titular character the horror classic Nosferatu is based on .
His guest ( and the story ’ s protagonist ) Thomas Hutter begins to notice something amiss with Orlok .
As Hutter reads about vampires , he notices the many similarities between what he reads , and his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in his tower room at night , he witnesses Orlok ’ s vampire powers as he opens doors without touch .
Hutter realizes the truth as Orlok sets his sights on a new victim , Hutter ’ s wife Ellen .
Biggest scare : Creeping up the stairs in his castle .
The creepiest clown in horror : Pennywise the Dancing Clown The most famous clown in the horror field , Pennywise the Dancing Clown ( a favorite embodiment of It ) terrorizes children in the sleepy town of Derry , Maine .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ to escape .
As adults , convinced the events of their childhoods were exaggerated or childhood legend , the members of the Loser ’ s Club once again discover the horror of Pennywise ’ s appearance in their lives .
Never has a single red balloon seemed so frightening .
There ’ s a reason A Nightmare on Elm Street works on all demographics and from generation to generation .
We immediately understand the threat of not being able to sleep .
Freddy Krueger is a horror movie monster that ensures we can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rest , never assume it ’ s really over .
With Freddy , the fight never stops and every night we are in bed getting ready to shut out eyes is an opportunity for terror .
The creepiest serial killer in horror : Michael Myers / The Shape For many , many horror fans Michael Myers is the first boogeyman they ever feared .
The Shape is a hulking man devoid of any human emotions .
He is Halloween incarnate .
He doesn ’ t even have to run , walking is enough @ @ @ @ @ @ @ how many times you try to kill him , he always comes back .
Know that .
Biggest scare : Disappearing from a yard after being shot and falling from a second story window .
Weakness : Seems to only be able to strike around Halloween .
The demon from The Exorcist is something most of us can associate with a visceral fear memory from the first time we saw the film .
12-year-old Regan McNeil becomes possessed after she plays with a Ouija board .
She is transformed from a star ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
It ’ s up to two priests to see if they can save Regan ’ s life .
After we see the titular Strangers stalk and murder a couple at a remote cabin we see a flashback of the couple asking who the strangers are , and why they have come to this particular cabin or chosen them to murder .
The strangers only answer is “ Because you were home.
” The randomness of the terror this couple faced is what sticks with you from this movie .
From now on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you ’ ll know anyone , for any reason , could come for you .
Biggest scare : Staring back when someone looks out the window .
Scariest movie monster : The Entity from It Follows After sex , Jay is informed by her new boyfriend Hugh that an “ entity ” will now be following her .
He waits for the entity to arrive and shows her that it will take on the appearance of a person .
He then drops her off and disappears .
Jay soon realizes that Hugh ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to encounter the entity .
Like Michael Myers , the entity ’ s approach is slow but steady .
In Alien , Xenomorph is the type of extraterrestrial who attacks our protagonists .
A natural predator , xenomorphs are adept at quickly and efficiently eliminating any enemies .
As the Alien franchise evolves , so do the gifts of the xenomorphs .
Jason is the trope we envision when we think of the phrase “ horror movie villain ” .
He ’ s the bad guy with the mask who stalks screaming teens @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stumble through the woods .
If we ’ re not careful , we might fall for another trope in the horror genre and forget that Jason ’ s mother , Mrs. Voorhees , was the original killer in Friday the 13th .
Camp Crystal Lake wasn ’ t haunted by Jason until the sequel .
Biggest scare : A unforgettable handstand + machete combo .
If you know , you know .
All the creepier because he is a mortal man with no superpowers , Hannibal Lecter is notable for his intelligence… and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Lambs , we meet an imprisoned Lector obsessed with young FBI trainee Clarice Starling .
The two work together to figure out the identity of a brutal serial killer nick-named Buffalo Bill .
The character is expounded in Red Dragon , Hannibal , and Hannibal Rising .
Horror ’ s favorite nurse , Annie Wilkes seized the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to take her favorite author , Paul Sheldon , hostage .
When her hopes of nursing Paul back to health were dashed by his escape attempt , she was forced to hobble him so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that had her desired ending .
A true patron of the arts , Miss Wilkes provides meals and nursing services at no charge .
Creepiest villain never shown on camera : The Blair Witch Legend has it the child-killing Blair Witch haunts the woods in and around Burkittsville , Maryland .
The found footage we see in The Blair Witch Project is terrifying .
From sleepless nights in a tent , tormented by outside forces to the final minutes filmed in the supposed Blair Witch ’ s home .
You won ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Some of our other favorite horror movie villains • Star Wars ( 1977 ) no list of creepy anti-heroes would be complete without the famous Darth Vader .
He ’ s a given , a staple of movie history and villainous Halloween costumes , and needs no introduction .
• The doll , Annabelle , in The Conjuring is seriously freaky and psycho doll .
• Hellraiser ( 1987 ) is a horror/slasher with a famous villain Pinhead , played by actor Doug Bradley .
He was brought into hell where he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scariest one .
• Avengers : Infinity War ( 2018 ) has one of the most well-known villains of the late 2010s , Thanos ( or F. Thanos ) who wants to destroy most of the world to save it .

Who are the scariest movie villains of cinematic history? Horror movie fans debate the question fervently. Of all the bad guys, who is the worst bad guy? Here a guide to the creepiest horror villains of the movie world.
The classic horror movie monster: The Thing
In John Carpenter’s classic, The Thing, the titular beast is an alien parasite, it takes the form of its host. The paranoia and dread established when the cast realizes they are fighting an extraterrestrial that could look like anyone is unnerving. We don’t know who to trust or where the monster is going to strike next. There’s a reason this movie is brought up again and again when talking about movies that haunt viewer’s nightmares.
Weapon: Shape-shifting.
Biggest scare: Emerging from Norris after his body is defibrillated.
Weakness: Dynamite.
Scare Factor: 9/10
Creepiest villain from cinema history: Nosferatu / Count Orlok
Count Orlok is the vampire and titular character the horror classic Nosferatu is based on. His guest (and the story’s protagonist) Thomas Hutter begins to notice something amiss with Orlok. As Hutter reads about vampires, he notices the many similarities between what he reads, and his host’s strange behavior. Cowering in his tower room at night, he witnesses Orlok’s vampire powers as he opens doors without touch. Hutter realizes the truth as Orlok sets his sights on a new victim, Hutter’s wife Ellen.
Weapon: Sucking blood.
Biggest scare: Creeping up the stairs in his castle.
Weakness: Daylight and his coffin.
Scare Factor: 7/10
The creepiest clown in horror: Pennywise the Dancing Clown
The most famous clown in the horror field, Pennywise the Dancing Clown (a favorite embodiment of It) terrorizes children in the sleepy town of Derry, Maine. But growing up isn’t enough to escape. As adults, convinced the events of their childhoods were exaggerated or childhood legend, the members of the Loser’s Club once again discover the horror of Pennywise’s appearance in their lives. Never has a single red balloon seemed so frightening.
Weapon: Feeding on children
Biggest scare: Attacking Georgie Denbrough from the sewer grate.
Weakness: Friendship.
Scare Factor: 8/10
The nightmare on Elm Street: Freddy Krueger
There’s a reason A Nightmare on Elm Street works on all demographics and from generation to generation. We immediately understand the threat of not being able to sleep. Freddy Krueger is a horror movie monster that ensures we can never let our guard down, never rest, never assume it’s really over. With Freddy, the fight never stops and every night we are in bed getting ready to shut out eyes is an opportunity for terror.
Weapon: Dream infiltration and knives for fingers
Biggest scare: Decorating Johnny Depp’s room with his insides
Weakness: The real world
Scare Factor: 6/10
The creepiest serial killer in horror: Michael Myers / The Shape
For many, many horror fans Michael Myers is the first boogeyman they ever feared. The Shape is a hulking man devoid of any human emotions. He is Halloween incarnate. He doesn’t even have to run, walking is enough to stalk his prey. No matter how many times you try to kill him, he always comes back. Know that.
Weapon: A butcher’s knife.
Biggest scare: Disappearing from a yard after being shot and falling from a second story window.
Weakness: Seems to only be able to strike around Halloween.
Scare Factor: 7/10
Scariest Demon: Pazuzu
The demon from The Exorcist is something most of us can associate with a visceral fear memory from the first time we saw the film. 12-year-old Regan McNeil becomes possessed after she plays with a Ouija board. She is transformed from a star’s tween daughter to a feral beast. It’s up to two priests to see if they can save Regan’s life.
Weapon: Pea soup.
Biggest scare: Crawling up the stairs.
Weakness: Jesus.
Scare Factor: 5/10
Fan favorite horror movie villain: The Strangers
After we see the titular Strangers stalk and murder a couple at a remote cabin we see a flashback of the couple asking who the strangers are, and why they have come to this particular cabin or chosen them to murder. The strangers only answer is “Because you were home.” The randomness of the terror this couple faced is what sticks with you from this movie. From now on anytime you’re somewhere remote, you’ll know anyone, for any reason, could come for you.
Weapon: Guns, knives, and axes.
Biggest scare: Staring back when someone looks out the window.
Weakness: Locked doors.
Scare Factor: 7/10
Scariest movie monster: The Entity from It Follows
After sex, Jay is informed by her new boyfriend Hugh that an “entity” will now be following her. He waits for the entity to arrive and shows her that it will take on the appearance of a person. He then drops her off and disappears. Jay soon realizes that Hugh’s warnings were true as she continues to encounter the entity. Like Michael Myers, the entity’s approach is slow but steady.
Weapon: Shape-shifting.
Biggest scare: The naked woman.
Weakness: Water.
Scare Factor: 6/10
Creepiest alien horror movie monster: Xenomorph
In Alien, Xenomorph is the type of extraterrestrial who attacks our protagonists. A natural predator, xenomorphs are adept at quickly and efficiently eliminating any enemies. As the Alien franchise evolves, so do the gifts of the xenomorphs.
Weapon: A move called the “face hugger”.
Biggest scare: Bursting out of Kane’s chest.
Weakness: Fire.
Scare Factor: 7/10
Creepiest killer in a slasher movie: Jason Voorhees
Jason is the trope we envision when we think of the phrase “horror movie villain”. He’s the bad guy with the mask who stalks screaming teens in all states of undress as the stumble through the woods. If we’re not careful, we might fall for another trope in the horror genre and forget that Jason’s mother, Mrs. Voorhees, was the original killer in Friday the 13th. Camp Crystal Lake wasn’t haunted by Jason until the sequel.
Weapon: A machete.
Biggest scare: A unforgettable handstand + machete combo. If you know, you know.
Weakness: His mother’s sweaters.
Scare Factor: 6/10
Creepiest bad guy: Hannibal Lecter
All the creepier because he is a mortal man with no superpowers, Hannibal Lecter is notable for his intelligence… and his cannibalism. In Silence of the Lambs, we meet an imprisoned Lector obsessed with young FBI trainee Clarice Starling. The two work together to figure out the identity of a brutal serial killer nick-named Buffalo Bill. The character is expounded in Red Dragon, Hannibal, and Hannibal Rising.
Weapon: A scalpel.
Biggest scare: th-th-th-th-th-th-th
Weakness: His ego and Clarice Starling.
Scare Factor: 9/10
Creepiest female villain: Annie Wilkes
Horror’s favorite nurse, Annie Wilkes seized the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to take her favorite author, Paul Sheldon, hostage. When her hopes of nursing Paul back to health were dashed by his escape attempt, she was forced to hobble him so that he could write a new book that had her desired ending. A true patron of the arts, Miss Wilkes provides meals and nursing services at no charge.
Weapon: Sedatives.
Biggest scare: The hobbling.
Weakness: Her soft spot for Paul Sheldon.
Scare Factor: 4/10
Creepiest villain never shown on camera: The Blair Witch
Legend has it the child-killing Blair Witch haunts the woods in and around Burkittsville, Maryland. The found footage we see in The Blair Witch Project is terrifying. From sleepless nights in a tent, tormented by outside forces to the final minutes filmed in the supposed Blair Witch’s home. You won’t be wandering into the woods anytime soon.
Weapon: Witchcraft.
Biggest scare: Mike standing in the corner.
Weakness: Powerless outside of Burkittsville, Maryland.
Scare Factor: 3/10.
Some of our other favorite horror movie villains


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-12--14 Haunting Missing Person’s Cases That Are Just Truly Bizarre

Over on Reddit ’ s r/truecrime forum , some dedicated true crime fans shared the most bizarre missing person ’ s cases they ’ ve heard of .
The whole thread is a good read if you ’ re itching for an internet hole to fall into , but here were some of my favorite responses : In 2018 a 30 year old polish man goes missing on the way to the hospital where his wife is giving birth .
5 months later , after complaining about the stench , neighbors find his body in his parents barn 400 miles @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
There were two nooses , some mysterious items in a backpack , and his car is missing .
How did someone overlook his body hanging from the rafters for 5 months ?
There are a lot of unanswered questions .
Wikipedia can help you walk through the timeline .
Baby Sabrina just basically vanished into thin air .
I know a lot of people think the parents killed her but I think Sabrina is out there alive somewhere .
As for Haleigh it seems obvious dad ’ s girlfriend had something to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ disappearance but I still can ’ t believe she was smart enough to fool the police .
Where are these girls ?
It ’ s so bizarre , I hope someday the truth comes out .
The murder of Beth Barnard and the disappearance of Vivienne Cameron Doesn ’ t matter what angle you look at this case from , it simply doesn ’ t make sense .
A popular consensus is that after murdering Beth , Vivienne killed herself by jumping off a bridge where her car was found , but her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the following morning to talk about knitting , which was corroborated by another friend who was also there .
There ’ s also a bunch of other problems with this theory .
Casefile true crime podcast do an amazing episode on it which I highly recommend .
I ’ ve read books on this case and it ’ s still just as mysterious , as to who murderer Beth and what happened to Vivienne .
Somebody on Reddit has some theories which can be found here .
Apparently , for no reason anyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ old girl gets up and starts walking down a highway during a rainstorm with no shoes on , in February , in western North Carolina .
And then just disappears off the face of the Earth .
The FBI found her book bag buried inside a plastic bag at a construction site .
Almost certainly somebody else was involved in her disappearance .
But there ’ s no proof that anyone else was in that house .
She was seen by two witnesses alone walking down the highway .
She did not have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ no chance she was trying to meet an internet stranger .
And the FBI has never suspected the parents .
I honestly think the real story has never been told to the public .
And the FBI is looking for some random green car .
Nobody knows why .
If she really fell off the ship , it would have been terrible , but if they had at least found her body , her family would have had closure .
Not knowing what happened all these years later is mind-boggling as any of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ happened to her are possible .
She seems to have been wrestling the usual demons and ran away from her life .
She certainly was not being stalked or harassed , just drove away from her life .
The exact circumstances at the end are murky at best , but she seems to be have the actor .
A sad situation , that causes her father no end to his grief .
Foul play could have played a part , but no actual evidence , to that end .
More info : Oxygen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ case !
David disappeared for Owensboro , Ky in 1986 .
Was he a killer or a victim of convicted killer John Reneer ?
What does his disappearance have to do with Shannon Green ’ s disappearance and Angie Dickens murder ?
There is an audiotape of Dewayne saying killed the girls and his father helped .
Police had the tape in their possession for over 20+ years and said they lost it .
In 2005 the tape magically reappeared .
Very strange .
He was a self-taught diver who went diving in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ treacherous cave that literally had a sign saying “ there ’ s nothing in here worth dying for ” .
To even get into the cave , he had to be a certified cave diver ( this cave had a locked gate – you had to show proof of your certification in order to get a key for the gate to go in ) .
The witness who saw him go into the cave , a park employee , later admitted that he let him into the cave due to the fact that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ numerous times before , so he figured there was no harm in just letting him through seeing as he ’ d sneak in anyway .
He never returned from the cave , and his remains have NEVER BEEN FOUND despite extensive searching .
His vehicle never left the parking lot he ’ d parked it in .
Multiple of the “ worlds best cave divers ” aided in the search , but nothing was found .
They sent a camera into the cave , but the cave eventually become so narrow that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was also extensive searching through the silt within the cave .
Some of his belongings were found ( his diving equipment ) , but his remains have never been found .
Lindsay is a young real estate agent showing a house to someone that she felt used a fake accent and somehow had her personal phone number .
She was uncomfortable enough to ask her boyfriend to meet her at the showing and he did , but he showed up late and waited outside .
He could see that the showing was still @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Texts to her phone went unanswered and she was found murdered in an upstairs bedroom .
The front door was locked and the suspects ( a man and a woman ) apparently fled out a back door while her boyfriend waited for her outside .
This one bothers me because I feel like she did everything right .
More listening : Crime Junkie did an episode on Najal

Over on Reddit’s r/truecrime forum, some dedicated true crime fans shared the most bizarre missing person’s cases they’ve heard of. The whole thread is a good read if you’re itching for an internet hole to fall into, but here were some of my favorite responses:
In 2018 a 30 year old polish man goes missing on the way to the hospital where his wife is giving birth. 5 months later, after complaining about the stench, neighbors find his body in his parents barn 400 miles from where he was supposed to be. There were two nooses, some mysterious items in a backpack, and his car is missing. How did someone overlook his body hanging from the rafters for 5 months? There are a lot of unanswered questions.
More reading: “The Strange Death Of Mateusz Kawecki”
The “Bennington Triangle” disappearances are both creepy and mind-boggling. During a five-year period (1945 – 1950), five individuals, male and female, ranging in age from 8-years-old to 70+, vanished under mysterious circumstances.
Wikipedia can help you walk through the timeline.
Baby Sabrina just basically vanished into thin air. I know a lot of people think the parents killed her but I think Sabrina is out there alive somewhere. As for Haleigh it seems obvious dad’s girlfriend had something to do with the little girl’s disappearance but I still can’t believe she was smart enough to fool the police. Where are these girls? It’s so bizarre, I hope someday the truth comes out.
More reading: Notorious Unsolved Missing Children Cases
Doesn’t matter what angle you look at this case from, it simply doesn’t make sense. A popular consensus is that after murdering Beth, Vivienne killed herself by jumping off a bridge where her car was found, but her best friend got a call from Vivienne the following morning to talk about knitting, which was corroborated by another friend who was also there. There’s also a bunch of other problems with this theory. Casefile true crime podcast do an amazing episode on it which I highly recommend. I’ve read books on this case and it’s still just as mysterious, as to who murderer Beth and what happened to Vivienne. Somebody on Reddit has some theories which can be found here.
Apparently, for no reason anyone can think of, a 9- year old girl gets up and starts walking down a highway during a rainstorm with no shoes on, in February, in western North Carolina. And then just disappears off the face of the Earth. The FBI found her book bag buried inside a plastic bag at a construction site. Almost certainly somebody else was involved in her disappearance. But there’s no proof that anyone else was in that house. She was seen by two witnesses alone walking down the highway. She did not have access to the internet in her home- no chance she was trying to meet an internet stranger. And the FBI has never suspected the parents. I honestly think the real story has never been told to the public. And the FBI is looking for some random green car. Nobody knows why.
More reading: Wikipedia
If she really fell off the ship, it would have been terrible, but if they had at least found her body, her family would have had closure. Not knowing what happened all these years later is mind-boggling as any of the most popular 2-3 theories of what happened to her are possible.
She seems to have been wrestling the usual demons and ran away from her life. She certainly was not being stalked or harassed, just drove away from her life. The exact circumstances at the end are murky at best, but she seems to be have the actor. A sad situation, that causes her father no end to his grief. Foul play could have played a part, but no actual evidence, to that end.
More info: Oxygen created an awesome docu series on this case!
David disappeared for Owensboro, Ky in 1986. Was he a killer or a victim of convicted killer John Reneer? What does his disappearance have to do with Shannon Green’s disappearance and Angie Dickens murder? There is an audiotape of Dewayne saying killed the girls and his father helped. Police had the tape in their possession for over 20+ years and said they lost it. In 2005 the tape magically reappeared. Very strange.
More reading: The Charley Project
He was a self-taught diver who went diving in Ponce De Leon, Florida in a treacherous cave that literally had a sign saying “there’s nothing in here worth dying for”. To even get into the cave, he had to be a certified cave diver (this cave had a locked gate – you had to show proof of your certification in order to get a key for the gate to go in). The witness who saw him go into the cave, a park employee, later admitted that he let him into the cave due to the fact that he’d snuck his way in numerous times before, so he figured there was no harm in just letting him through seeing as he’d sneak in anyway. He never returned from the cave, and his remains have NEVER BEEN FOUND despite extensive searching. His vehicle never left the parking lot he’d parked it in. Multiple of the “worlds best cave divers” aided in the search, but nothing was found. They sent a camera into the cave, but the cave eventually become so narrow that the camera could go no further. There was also extensive searching through the silt within the cave. Some of his belongings were found (his diving equipment), but his remains have never been found.
More reading: Wikipedia
Lindsay is a young real estate agent showing a house to someone that she felt used a fake accent and somehow had her personal phone number. She was uncomfortable enough to ask her boyfriend to meet her at the showing and he did, but he showed up late and waited outside. He could see that the showing was still in progress. She never came out. Texts to her phone went unanswered and she was found murdered in an upstairs bedroom. The front door was locked and the suspects (a man and a woman) apparently fled out a back door while her boyfriend waited for her outside. This one bothers me because I feel like she did everything right.
More reading: Wikipedia article, Crime Junkie episode
I learned about the case from a podcast called The Fall Line which is an in-depth investigation of each case they cover including family interviews. I am amazed at how many teenagers were running away in the 1970s according to the police.
More reading: Wiki
Brian Shaffer
He went out with friends to a bar. He’s seen arriving with friends. All exits had security cameras. He’s seen hanging outside an hour later chatting with some girls. He goes back in and that’s it. His friends said they got separated from him. No cameras saw him leaving.
More reading: Wikipedia article
Last year a women name Najal Ferrell went missing from my town. They found her car about a half hr from here at a movie theater and then just her foot in a pond off of highway 65. She lived the next block over from me and was always curious what happened to her but the cops never released anymore information.
More listening: Crime Junkie did an episode on Najal


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-12--This Is The Kind Of Recovery You Deserve

Eight years ago , you never would have imagined the pain you would be living inside of right now .
You never could have known how much meeting just one person could change the trajectory of your entire life .
You never could have known how badly they would hurt you and just how much of yourself you could lose to someone else ’ s abuse .
It ’ s okay .
The person you were eight years ago was not a bad person because they happened to fall in love with the wrong person , and the person you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not being over them yet .
Healing takes time .
Putting yourself back together after someone has broken you again and again and again is no easy task .
Sometimes , the healing can hurt just as much as the abuse .
But what comes from the healing will help you grow , instead of pushing you back down .
You deserve to heal on your own timeline , at your own pace , and in the way that suits you best .
Healing is not a one-size-fits-all garment that you can wrap @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your pain go away .
Each person has their own unique way that they need to heal , and you need to let yourself understand that .
Your recovery is not a race or a game .
You will not win a gold medal if you are “ over it ” before your friend who went through a similar experience .
The only person who matters in your healing process is you .
You are allowed to take your time .
You are allowed to take breaks on the days when the healing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ allowed to fall backwards ; you just have to promise yourself that you will always be there to catch yourself .
Time does not always make things better , so you need to stop trying to convince yourself that you are doing something wrong because you are not okay yet .
It is much easier to break something than it is to put it back together properly .
You can try to temporarily tape your broken pieces back together , but what will happen the next time the pain comes storming in ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ offer you temporary comfort .
If you truly want to get better , then you have to put in the work .
You have to give yourself the time .
And you have to dig deep , deeper than you ever could have imagined so that you can finally free yourself from all of the pain that has been weighing you down .
You deserve to feel whole again .
You deserve to reignite the light in your eyes that you lost the day you met them .
You deserve to feel comfortable @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you deserve to take back ownership of the body that someone else forced you to let them control .
You deserve to have dreams and goals and big plans for your future , even if for right now , those plans only involve you .
You deserve to let yourself be selfish for a while .
Do all of the things that you love without worrying about someone else ’ s opinion of them .
Dye your hair your favorite color , and relish in the fact that they would probably hate it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and prints and know that for the first time in a long time , the only person you are dressing for is you .
You are doing everything for you .
You deserve to embrace the person you were before them .
You deserve to remind yourself of just how worthy of a wonderful life you are .
You did not deserve the abuse you endured .
There was nothing you did or could have done to make you deserving of that kind of treatment .
Take care , and remind yourself that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was never a reflection of who you were as a person .
You were not abused because you were weak or because you deserved to be punished .
Their abuse was something they chose to inflict on you .
They took advantage of you .
You can not change a person who does not want to get better , but you , you will be able to change because you want to get better .
You did not choose to be abused , and you did not choose to bear all of this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ power to choose how you will recover from it all .
I hope you let yourself have the recovery you deserve .
I hope you let yourself cry and scream and curse the world for putting you through this .
And then , I hope you let yourself start moving forward .
I hope you let yourself put one foot in front of the other so that you can finally start walking away from the pain of a life you never wanted to be yours .
I hope you do not stop trying @ @ @ @ @ @ @ knocking at your door , and everything just seems like too much .
Being abused is devastating , and you are allowed to acknowledge this devastation .
You are allowed to mull over it and wonder why .
You deserve to let yourself take the time to process your pain instead of trying to stifle it .
If you do not let yourself deal with it today , I promise you , it will be back for you tomorrow .
The kind of recovery you deserve is patient .
It allows for you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to pick you back up .
The kind of recovery you deserve is understanding and knows that even if you are not okay today or tomorrow or next week , it doesn ’ t mean that you will never be okay again .
The kind of recovery you deserve will always be there for you because it knows that healing is a long , complicated process and that even if you have moved on and let go , you may never be able to forget what someone else has done to you .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ remind you that it is okay to not be okay .
It will remind you that you are a remarkably strong , resilient person who has been through so much and has survived it all .
It will remind you that you are supposed to be here and that you will make it through this process .
The kind of recovery you deserve will always be there for you because you deserve to be supported .
You deserve to give yourself the chance to live again .
You deserve to be happy and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ true .
You may have lost yourself at the hands of someone else , but I promise you , you will be able to find yourself again .
Healing is not linear , and neither is your life .
Always remind yourself of this .
Always know that you can return home to yourself .

Eight years ago, you never would have imagined the pain you would be living inside of right now. You never could have known how much meeting just one person could change the trajectory of your entire life. You never could have known how badly they would hurt you and just how much of yourself you could lose to someone else’s abuse. It’s okay. The person you were eight years ago was not a bad person because they happened to fall in love with the wrong person, and the person you are right now is not wrong for not being over them yet.
Healing takes time. Putting yourself back together after someone has broken you again and again and again is no easy task. Sometimes, the healing can hurt just as much as the abuse. But what comes from the healing will help you grow, instead of pushing you back down. You deserve to heal on your own timeline, at your own pace, and in the way that suits you best. Healing is not a one-size-fits-all garment that you can wrap yourself up in to make all of your pain go away. Each person has their own unique way that they need to heal, and you need to let yourself understand that. Your recovery is not a race or a game. You will not win a gold medal if you are “over it” before your friend who went through a similar experience. The only person who matters in your healing process is you.
You are allowed to take your time. You are allowed to take breaks on the days when the healing is just too much. You are allowed to fall backwards; you just have to promise yourself that you will always be there to catch yourself. Time does not always make things better, so you need to stop trying to convince yourself that you are doing something wrong because you are not okay yet.
It is much easier to break something than it is to put it back together properly. You can try to temporarily tape your broken pieces back together, but what will happen the next time the pain comes storming in? Temporarily putting yourself back together will only offer you temporary comfort. If you truly want to get better, then you have to put in the work. You have to give yourself the time. And you have to dig deep, deeper than you ever could have imagined so that you can finally free yourself from all of the pain that has been weighing you down.
You deserve to feel whole again. You deserve to reignite the light in your eyes that you lost the day you met them. You deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin again, and you deserve to take back ownership of the body that someone else forced you to let them control. You deserve to have dreams and goals and big plans for your future, even if for right now, those plans only involve you.
You deserve to let yourself be selfish for a while. Do all of the things that you love without worrying about someone else’s opinion of them. Dye your hair your favorite color, and relish in the fact that they would probably hate it. Wear your favorite clothing and patterns and prints and know that for the first time in a long time, the only person you are dressing for is you. You are doing everything for you. You deserve to embrace the person you were before them.
You deserve to remind yourself of just how worthy of a wonderful life you are. You did not deserve the abuse you endured. There was nothing you did or could have done to make you deserving of that kind of treatment. Take care, and remind yourself that the abuse you suffered from this person was never a reflection of who you were as a person. You were not abused because you were weak or because you deserved to be punished. Their abuse was something they chose to inflict on you. They took advantage of you. You cannot change a person who does not want to get better, but you, you will be able to change because you want to get better. You did not choose to be abused, and you did not choose to bear all of this trauma. But, you have the power to choose how you will recover from it all.
I hope you let yourself have the recovery you deserve. I hope you let yourself cry and scream and curse the world for putting you through this. And then, I hope you let yourself start moving forward. I hope you let yourself put one foot in front of the other so that you can finally start walking away from the pain of a life you never wanted to be yours. I hope you do not stop trying on the days when the trauma comes knocking at your door, and everything just seems like too much.
Being abused is devastating, and you are allowed to acknowledge this devastation. You are allowed to mull over it and wonder why. You deserve to let yourself take the time to process your pain instead of trying to stifle it. If you do not let yourself deal with it today, I promise you, it will be back for you tomorrow.
The kind of recovery you deserve is patient. It allows for you to fall because it is always there to pick you back up. The kind of recovery you deserve is understanding and knows that even if you are not okay today or tomorrow or next week, it doesn’t mean that you will never be okay again. The kind of recovery you deserve will always be there for you because it knows that healing is a long, complicated process and that even if you have moved on and let go, you may never be able to forget what someone else has done to you.
The kind of recovery you deserve will remind you that it is okay to not be okay. It will remind you that you are a remarkably strong, resilient person who has been through so much and has survived it all. It will remind you that you are supposed to be here and that you will make it through this process. The kind of recovery you deserve will always be there for you because you deserve to be supported. You deserve to give yourself the chance to live again. You deserve to be happy and healthy and to make your dreams come true.
You may have lost yourself at the hands of someone else, but I promise you, you will be able to find yourself again. Healing is not linear, and neither is your life. Always remind yourself of this.
Always know that you can return home to yourself.
Always.


Coming Out Un-Christian

I was raised in a Christian household .
Going to church every Sunday , youth group on Wednesdays , and church camp every summer .
Faith wasn ’ t an option—it was a fact .
An indisputable demographic wrapped so tightly around our core group of humans it almost began to feel like skin .
Critical thinking wasn ’ t a piece to our belief puzzle , though we were often informed , “ Doubt is ok , questioning is ok , what ’ s important is that you walk by faith and not by sight.
” Or in other @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have the answers either , but it ’ s better to just keep moving down a blind road than it is to question this 20,000 year old map.
” I ’ ll be honest—my faith felt like a lifeboat in an otherwise unsteady reality .
Something unwavering , unchanging , and most definitely true .
My church family was just that—family .
There for me in all my stages—as long as I fit the mold .
I think what finally started my shift into enlightenment was the realization of immense hypocrisy among those @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , BUT not… Unconditional love is key , BUT only… Judgment is wrong , BUT it ’ s okay when… God made you perfect , BUT you ’ re broken and unworthy… And this is the part where hundreds of Christians flock with their arms wide open saying , “ Not us , not all of us , we ’ ll love you !
” A trap I ’ ve fallen for countless times .
I get it—I understand the appeal of Christianity .
The idea that you ’ re so terribly broken @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and powerful as God could save you .
Something to lean on .
Something to cling to .
Something to live by .
It makes sense—we all have a religion .
Whether that ’ s the gym .
Our work .
Meditation .
Volunteering .
Writing .
Running .
Our absolute best friends .
But there ’ s just something about the idea of a creator stitching together his idea of perfection and then saying , “ Only some of you will get to hang out with me forever and some of you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are much better than the others and deserve a seat of gold.
” “ Think of him like your dad—only better.
” “ When he punishes you , it ’ s because he loves you.
” “ When he asks you to do something challenging , it ’ s because he knows you can and wants to see you grow.
” “ No one will ever love you the way he does.
” Talk about gaslighting at the highest level .
Until I was 20 years old , my faith was my identity @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my being .
In every thought , every word , every action , every decision or indecision .
It weaved itself into my soul until I couldn ’ t remember where I began and where I ended .
I was so greatly afraid of messing up , of getting it wrong , of spending eternity burning in a literal hell with demons screaming at the top of their lungs , that I sobbed myself to sleep on countless occasions—knowing I would never live up to what was asked of me .
Though always @ @ @ @ @ @ @ no one ’ s perfect Kaili .
Just repent .
Repent .
Repent .
But why was I repenting from things that felt like my highest self ?
That brought me joy and growth and freedom and opportunity ?
Why was I trying so hard to fit into a group of people who never quite felt like home , just to feel inadequate at every level ?
Like putting on a shoe that so clearly is 3 sizes too small and insisting you want to wear it .
You MUST wear it—this is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when looking around some more I realized : they ’ re all wearing this shoe three sizes too small and dancing around with a plastered-on grimace disguised as a smile .
After critically thinking , and doing even just the slightest bit of research , I quickly realized—I don ’ t believe this shit .
Lots of this simply can ’ t be true .
And if someone on Earth today showed up to my house insisting they were recently swallowed by a whale or impregnated in a dream or building a boat @ @ @ @ @ @ @ world would be quick to scoff .
And if someone committed crazy , unspeakable acts in the name of God ( which they have and do ) we ’ d be quick to say , “ I ’ m sorry but you ’ re wrong.
” And if someone insisted their diary was actually God speaking through them , we ’ d shake our heads and ask if they were alright .
And if a group of people jumped on their horses and went town to town slaughtering those who thought and lived @ @ @ @ @ @ @ call them terrorists .
We certainly wouldn ’ t devote our lives to their cause .
So I guess after all of these realizations , becoming un-Christian was truly the only option .
But in case no one ’ s told you lately—that ’ s really , really hard .
There ’ s actually , quite surprisingly , no guidebook to un-Christianing yourself .
There ’ s no “ de-baptizing ” ritual as far as I know of or small group study for people who recently came too after a really intense brainwash @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
And for the first two years , I didn ’ t even say the words “ I don ’ t believe in God ” out loud because I genuinely feared for my safety .
Not on Earth , but in the afterlife .
What if there really is a God but he ’ s not the God I was taught about and me saying that out loud pisses off this real ( and way nicer ) God enough that he banishes me to some “ un-believer island ” and I spend eternity @ @ @ @ @ @ @ talking about the fake him ?
Or what if I lose all my friends and family because they ’ re still attached to their religion and they ’ re convinced I ’ m no longer worthy of being in their circle of light ?
Or even worse , what if I become the person they spend all their time and energy trying to save ?
And I have to sit through hours of “ you ’ re going to hell please repent !
” talks until I jump in the bathtub just to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shut up ?
But truly , the scariest and most lonely part of leaving religion is the quiet realization that your entire life , all your beliefs , thoughts , and decisions were rooted in something you no longer align with .
You ’ ve been following a map to a fake destination and now it ’ s up to you to re-find yourself .
To rediscover where it is you ’ re trying to go .
And unlike religion , there ’ s no historical book with directions or gatherings for support @ @ @ @ @ @ @ body .
Which now , 5 years later , sounds absolutely positively awesome .
But when you ’ re used to “ living for something bigger , ” simply living feels really…small ?
Empty ?
Lonely ?
I remember going on a college visit with my dad and we saw a poster for the “ Atheist Club.
” My dad laughed and said , “ What do they do ?
Get together and talk about how they believe in nothing ?
” And I laughed too .
Because I thought , “ What @ @ @ @ @ @ @ need a club ?
” And I ’ d like to join , please .
Being un-Christian doesn ’ t mean you believe in nothing .
It simply means you don ’ t need a book to tell you what you believe .
It means you can believe in kindness , love , equality , learning , growth , connection , excitement , enlightenment , grace , forgiveness , laughter , adventure , morality , and everything in between—simply because they ’ re part of the collective human experience .
So yes , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s been scary and challenging and downright exhausting .
Now I no longer ask myself , “ What would Jesus do ?
” Instead , I ask myself , “ What SHOULD you do ?
If you were to be the best human you could be in this experience right now , what would you do ?
” And I do that .
Some would say what I ’ m doing is still religion .
That I ’ m living for a larger purpose—the purpose of a better mankind .
And I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I believe in something larger than myself .
I believe in the power of positive thoughts , mediation , prayer , or whatever name you ’ d like to give it .
I believe in kindness and gentleness and self-control .
I believe in forgiveness and grace and doing the right thing .
And I mostly believe in love .
Which at the end of the day , I think we can all agree should be tossed like confetti .
So you reading this , afraid to become un-Christian , terrified of what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ let me assure you—Heaven is here , Heaven is now—you just might have to make it for yourself .
And as for the afterlife—well , I like to think even if I ’ m wrong , Arizona is pretty damn hot , so hopefully I ’ ll come prepared .

I was raised in a Christian household. Going to church every Sunday, youth group on Wednesdays, and church camp every summer.
Faith wasn’t an option—it was a fact. An indisputable demographic wrapped so tightly around our core group of humans it almost began to feel like skin.
Critical thinking wasn’t a piece to our belief puzzle, though we were often informed, “Doubt is ok, questioning is ok, what’s important is that you walk by faith and not by sight.”
Or in other words, “We don’t have the answers either, but it’s better to just keep moving down a blind road than it is to question this 20,000 year old map.”
I’ll be honest—my faith felt like a lifeboat in an otherwise unsteady reality. Something unwavering, unchanging, and most definitely true. My church family was just that—family. There for me in all my stages—as long as I fit the mold.
I think what finally started my shift into enlightenment was the realization of immense hypocrisy among those I held close.
There’s a lot “buts” in Christianity.
We love everyone, BUT not…
Unconditional love is key, BUT only…
Judgment is wrong, BUT it’s okay when…
God made you perfect, BUT you’re broken and unworthy…
And this is the part where hundreds of Christians flock with their arms wide open saying, “Not us, not all of us, we’ll love you!” A trap I’ve fallen for countless times.
I get it—I understand the appeal of Christianity. The idea that you’re so terribly broken and empty that only something as massive and powerful as God could save you.
Something to lean on. Something to cling to. Something to live by.
It makes sense—we all have a religion. Whether that’s the gym. Our work. Meditation. Volunteering. Writing. Running. Our absolute best friends.
But there’s just something about the idea of a creator stitching together his idea of perfection and then saying, “Only some of you will get to hang out with me forever and some of you are innately bad and some of you are much better than the others and deserve a seat of gold.”
“Think of him like your dad—only better.”
“When he punishes you, it’s because he loves you.”
“When he asks you to do something challenging, it’s because he knows you can and wants to see you grow.”
“No one will ever love you the way he does.”
Talk about gaslighting at the highest level.
Until I was 20 years old, my faith was my identity. It was in every cell of my being. In every thought, every word, every action, every decision or indecision.
It weaved itself into my soul until I couldn’t remember where I began and where I ended.
I was so greatly afraid of messing up, of getting it wrong, of spending eternity burning in a literal hell with demons screaming at the top of their lungs, that I sobbed myself to sleep on countless occasions—knowing I would never live up to what was asked of me.
Though always being reassured that’s okay, no one’s perfect Kaili. Just repent. Repent. Repent.
But why was I repenting from things that felt like my highest self? That brought me joy and growth and freedom and opportunity?
Why was I trying so hard to fit into a group of people who never quite felt like home, just to feel inadequate at every level?
Like putting on a shoe that so clearly is 3 sizes too small and insisting you want to wear it. You MUST wear it—this is THE shoe. YOUR shoe.
And when looking around some more I realized: they’re all wearing this shoe three sizes too small and dancing around with a plastered-on grimace disguised as a smile.
After critically thinking, and doing even just the slightest bit of research, I quickly realized—I don’t believe this shit.
Lots of this simply can’t be true. And if someone on Earth today showed up to my house insisting they were recently swallowed by a whale or impregnated in a dream or building a boat for all Earth’s animals—the entire world would be quick to scoff.
Yes—especially Christians.
And if someone committed crazy, unspeakable acts in the name of God (which they have and do) we’d be quick to say, “I’m sorry but you’re wrong.”
And if someone insisted their diary was actually God speaking through them, we’d shake our heads and ask if they were alright.
And if a group of people jumped on their horses and went town to town slaughtering those who thought and lived differently than them, we’d call them terrorists. We certainly wouldn’t devote our lives to their cause.
So I guess after all of these realizations, becoming un-Christian was truly the only option.
But in case no one’s told you lately—that’s really, really hard. There’s actually, quite surprisingly, no guidebook to un-Christianing yourself.
There’s no “de-baptizing” ritual as far as I know of or small group study for people who recently came too after a really intense brainwash.
So yeah, it was lonely. And for the first two years, I didn’t even say the words “I don’t believe in God” out loud because I genuinely feared for my safety. Not on Earth, but in the afterlife.
What if there really is a God but he’s not the God I was taught about and me saying that out loud pisses off this real (and way nicer) God enough that he banishes me to some “un-believer island” and I spend eternity trying to convince him I was actually talking about the fake him?
Or what if I lose all my friends and family because they’re still attached to their religion and they’re convinced I’m no longer worthy of being in their circle of light?
Or even worse, what if I become the person they spend all their time and energy trying to save? And I have to sit through hours of “you’re going to hell please repent!” talks until I jump in the bathtub just to fake a baptism and get them to shut up?
But truly, the scariest and most lonely part of leaving religion is the quiet realization that your entire life, all your beliefs, thoughts, and decisions were rooted in something you no longer align with.
You’ve been following a map to a fake destination and now it’s up to you to re-find yourself. To rediscover where it is you’re trying to go.
And unlike religion, there’s no historical book with directions or gatherings for support or cool slogans to tattoo on your body.
There’s just…life.
Which now, 5 years later, sounds absolutely positively awesome. But when you’re used to “living for something bigger,” simply living feels really…small? Empty? Lonely?
I remember going on a college visit with my dad and we saw a poster for the “Atheist Club.” My dad laughed and said, “What do they do? Get together and talk about how they believe in nothing?”
And I laughed too. Because I thought, “What do they do? Why do they need a club?”
Now I know.
And I’d like to join, please.
Being un-Christian doesn’t mean you believe in nothing. It simply means you don’t need a book to tell you what you believe.
It means you can believe in kindness, love, equality, learning, growth, connection, excitement, enlightenment, grace, forgiveness, laughter, adventure, morality, and everything in between—simply because they’re part of the collective human experience.
So yes, becoming un-Christian has been lonely. It’s been scary and challenging and downright exhausting.
But it’s been oh-so-worth-it.
Now I no longer ask myself, “What would Jesus do?” Instead, I ask myself, “What SHOULD you do? If you were to be the best human you could be in this experience right now, what would you do?”
And I do that.
Some would say what I’m doing is still religion. That I’m living for a larger purpose—the purpose of a better mankind. And I would agree.
I still believe. I believe in something larger than myself. I believe in the power of positive thoughts, mediation, prayer, or whatever name you’d like to give it. I believe in kindness and gentleness and self-control. I believe in forgiveness and grace and doing the right thing.
And I mostly believe in love. Which at the end of the day, I think we can all agree should be tossed like confetti.
So you reading this, afraid to become un-Christian, terrified of what lies in your next empty chapter, let me assure you—Heaven is here, Heaven is now—you just might have to make it for yourself.
And as for the afterlife—well, I like to think even if I’m wrong, Arizona is pretty damn hot, so hopefully I’ll come prepared.


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-12--A Spotify Playlist For The Metaphorical End Of The World

For when you need to remember that you don ’ t have to wait around to be rescued .
You can always be your own hero and fight through whatever life throws your way .
It ’ s up to you to decide what you want to do .
Just don ’ t ever take yourself out the equation .
Don ’ t the best of them bleed it out / While the rest of them peter out ?
2 .
The First Days Of Spring – Noah And The Whale For when you ’ re faced with a new @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
For when there ’ s nothing left to hold onto except hope .
For the moments of intense doubt that are overshadowed by great eagerness .
For I do believe that everyone has one chance / To fuck up their lives 3 .
It ’ s The End Of The World – R.E.M .
For when you feel like everything is coming crashing down and somehow you are too frozen and too numb to react .
For when you ’ re too much in disbelief and you ’ re hoping that things @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to be .
World serves its own needs , listen to your heart bleed / Tell me with the Rapture and the reverent in the right , right For when you know without a doubt that you ’ re in it for the long haul .
Giving up is not an option , no matter the ups and downs ; because no matter how tough times might get , you know damn well that there ’ s always tomorrow .
And won ’ t stop till it ’ s over / Won ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve got no other choice but to start all over again .
Put a smile on your pretty little face and put yourself out there again , because this world will go on with or without you .
Live fearlessly and don ’ t ever think twice about the past .
Memories , they seem to show up so quick but they leave you far too soon / Naive , I was just staring at the barrel of a gun For when you ’ re faced with a tough decision .
What @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
For taking risks or hiding in the shadows ?
I don ’ t think about you all the time / But when I do , I wonder why For when you realize that life is not a miraculous string of events , but a random thread of actions that lead to an inevitable truth .
For when you need to let go of whatever expectations you might have and just let life go on .
I make you miserable you stick with me although / You know I ’ m going to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s Gone Dim And The Sky ’ s Turned Black – Jóhann Jóhannsson For when you need to sulk and process how your life will never be the same after this .
For when you find yourself looking out the window at 2 o ’ clock in the morning and wondering how you ended up here .
‘ Cause I loved her / And she didn ’ t love back For when you have no other choice but to let yourself drown in alcohol and forget your everyday life .
You ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re allowed to turn off the world around you every once in a while .
The potential you ’ ll be that you ’ ll never see / The promises you ’ ll only make For when you find yourself longing for a connection that will last forever and you ’ re willing to pour out your soul while in pursuit of that other one .
For when you ’ ve gathered up enough courage to pour your heart out .
The only thing I ’ ll ever ask of you / You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stop when I say when For when you ’ ve found that special someone who ’ s willing to go all the way to the end of the world with you ; no matter their flaws , they are with you ride or die .
You ’ ll be a lover in my bed / And a gun to my head For when you know that the inevitable end is near but you ’ re still holding on and hoping for the impossible .
For when it ’ s better to daydream and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the music .
It ’ s something unpredictable , but in the end it ’ s right For when you have no other choice but to try and make the best of your last night together .
For when you want to make your last moments as memorable as possible .
Tomorrow comes with one desire / To take me away For when you ’ re scared but curious enough to take those steps into the unknown .
For when you ’ re dying to find out what could happen if you dare @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on , come on / Put your hands into the fire 15 .
The Times They Are A-Changin ’ – Bob Dylan For when you need to build up your courage and be the bold change you so desperately wish to see in this world .
For when you need to make yourself heard and resist the urge to accept your fate .
And you better start swimmin ’ / Or you ’ ll sink like a stone For when you ’ re questioning your belief system and your allegiance to it .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ if you should take another step or just linger on in the background .
Trying to keep up with you / And I don ’ t know if I can do it 17 .
Dancing On My Own – Robyn For when you just feel like letting go and rejecting any shred of self-doubt .
For when you just can not give a fuck anymore ; deep down , you know damn well that you shouldn ’ t .
I ’ m giving it my all / But I ’ m not the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all those mistakes you wish you could take back .
For when you ’ ve lost all control and hurt those who mean the most to you ; somehow , they keep taking you back and offering you the shelter you need each and every time .
I just wanted to know if I could go home For when you ’ ve finally accepted that it ’ s time to move on and go on with your life .
Even though you know that there ’ s no way of predicting what will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ no other choice but to keep going .
Love must be forgotten / Life can always start up anew For the moments in which you feel like your life is slipping right through your fingers .
For the moments in which you wish you could get a better grip on things , on your youth .
Still , you keep going because you already know deep down in your soul that it ’ s all a part of life .
Trying to find the in-betweens / Fall back in love eventually For when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ found that person with whom you ’ re destined to live for the rest of your life—that connection that can not be faked .
Once it clicks , that bond will never break .
Maybe you ’ re the same as me / We see things they ’ ll never see For when you ’ ve been mistreated and underestimated for far too long .
For when you ’ re ready to accept your past , present , and future .
For when you ’ re feeling brave and untouchable .
Who gives @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from ?
23 .
You ’ ve Got The Love – Florence + The Machine For the times in which you need to be reminded that your struggle is worth the time , the tears , and the pain .
For when you need to be reminded that you ’ re surrounded by love , you just need to open your eyes wide enough .
‘ Cause sooner or later in life , the things you love you lose For when you ’ re finally ready to let go of all the insecurities @ @ @ @ @ @ @ intense emotions of your life—no consequences , no collateral damage , just truth and pure life rushing through your veins .
Soft lips are open / Them knuckles are pale For when you realize that you don ’ t have anything to lose anymore .
Who ’ s gon na save the world tonight ?
/ Who ’ s gon na bring it back to life ?

1. My Hero – Foo Fighters
For when you need to remember that you don’t have to wait around to be rescued. You can always be your own hero and fight through whatever life throws your way. It’s up to you to decide what you want to do. Just don’t ever take yourself out the equation.
Don’t the best of them bleed it out / While the rest of them peter out?
2. The First Days Of Spring – Noah And The Whale
For when you’re faced with a new beginning and a new chance at life. For when there’s nothing left to hold onto except hope. For the moments of intense doubt that are overshadowed by great eagerness.
For I do believe that everyone has one chance / To fuck up their lives
3. It’s The End Of The World – R.E.M.
For when you feel like everything is coming crashing down and somehow you are too frozen and too numb to react. For when you’re too much in disbelief and you’re hoping that things will go back to how they used to be.
World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed / Tell me with the Rapture and the reverent in the right, right
4. Sweet Disposition – The Temper Trap
For when you know without a doubt that you’re in it for the long haul. Giving up is not an option, no matter the ups and downs; because no matter how tough times might get, you know damn well that there’s always tomorrow.
And won’t stop till it’s over / Won’t stop to surrender
5. High Hopes – Kodaline
For when you’ve got no other choice but to start all over again. Put a smile on your pretty little face and put yourself out there again, because this world will go on with or without you. Live fearlessly and don’t ever think twice about the past.
Memories, they seem to show up so quick but they leave you far too soon / Naive, I was just staring at the barrel of a gun
6. One Day / Reckoning Song – Radio Edit – One Day Baby
For when you’re faced with a tough decision. What do you want to be remembered for? For taking risks or hiding in the shadows?
I don’t think about you all the time / But when I do, I wonder why
7. God & Satan – Biffy Clyro
For when you realize that life is not a miraculous string of events, but a random thread of actions that lead to an inevitable truth. For when you need to let go of whatever expectations you might have and just let life go on.
I make you miserable you stick with me although / You know I’m going to ruin your life
8. The Sun’s Gone Dim And The Sky’s Turned Black – Jóhann Jóhannsson
For when you need to sulk and process how your life will never be the same after this. For when you find yourself looking out the window at 2 o’clock in the morning and wondering how you ended up here.
‘Cause I loved her / And she didn’t love back
9. Between Bars – Elliott Smith
For when you have no other choice but to let yourself drown in alcohol and forget your everyday life. You’re allowed to forget and you’re allowed to turn off the world around you every once in a while.
The potential you’ll be that you’ll never see / The promises you’ll only make
10. Everlong – Foo Fighters
For when you find yourself longing for a connection that will last forever and you’re willing to pour out your soul while in pursuit of that other one. For when you’ve gathered up enough courage to pour your heart out.
The only thing I’ll ever ask of you / You’ve got to promise not to stop when I say when
11. Ava Adore – The Smashing Pumpkins
For when you’ve found that special someone who’s willing to go all the way to the end of the world with you; no matter their flaws, they are with you ride or die.
You’ll be a lover in my bed / And a gun to my head
12. Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) – Green Day
For when you know that the inevitable end is near but you’re still holding on and hoping for the impossible. For when it’s better to daydream and indulge in wishful thinking than to face the music.
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right
13. Save Tonight – Eagle-Eye Cherry
For when you have no other choice but to try and make the best of your last night together. For when you want to make your last moments as memorable as possible.
Tomorrow comes with one desire / To take me away
14. Into The Fire – Thirteen Senses
For when you’re scared but curious enough to take those steps into the unknown. For when you’re dying to find out what could happen if you dare to take a step further.
Come on, come on / Put your hands into the fire
15. The Times They Are A-Changin’ – Bob Dylan
For when you need to build up your courage and be the bold change you so desperately wish to see in this world. For when you need to make yourself heard and resist the urge to accept your fate.
And you better start swimmin’ / Or you’ll sink like a stone
16. Losing My Religion – R.E.M.
For when you’re questioning your belief system and your allegiance to it. For when you’re not sure if you should take another step or just linger on in the background.
Trying to keep up with you / And I don’t know if I can do it
17. Dancing On My Own – Robyn
For when you just feel like letting go and rejecting any shred of self-doubt. For when you just cannot give a fuck anymore; deep down, you know damn well that you shouldn’t.
I’m giving it my all / But I’m not the girl you’re taking home
18. Notion – Kings Of Leon
For all those mistakes you wish you could take back. For when you’ve lost all control and hurt those who mean the most to you; somehow, they keep taking you back and offering you the shelter you need each and every time.
I just wanted to know if I could go home
19. Time To Pretend – MGMT
For when you’ve finally accepted that it’s time to move on and go on with your life. Even though you know that there’s no way of predicting what will come out of this, you have no other choice but to keep going.
Love must be forgotten / Life can always start up anew
20. Young Blood – The Naked And Famous
For the moments in which you feel like your life is slipping right through your fingers. For the moments in which you wish you could get a better grip on things, on your youth. Still, you keep going because you already know deep down in your soul that it’s all a part of life.
Trying to find the in-betweens / Fall back in love eventually
21. Live Forever – Oasis
For when you’re pretty sure you have found that person with whom you’re destined to live for the rest of your life—that connection that cannot be faked. Once it clicks, that bond will never break.
Maybe you’re the same as me / We see things they’ll never see
22. We Are Golden – Mika
For when you’ve been mistreated and underestimated for far too long. For when you’re ready to accept your past, present, and future. For when you’re feeling brave and untouchable.
Who gives a damn about the family you come from?
23. You’ve Got The Love – Florence + The Machine
For the times in which you need to be reminded that your struggle is worth the time, the tears, and the pain. For when you need to be reminded that you’re surrounded by love, you just need to open your eyes wide enough.
‘Cause sooner or later in life, the things you love you lose
24. Sex on Fire – Kings Of Leon
For when you’re finally ready to let go of all the insecurities and just let yourself experience the most intense emotions of your life—no consequences, no collateral damage, just truth and pure life rushing through your veins.
Soft lips are open / Them knuckles are pale
25. Save The World – Swedish House Mafia
For when you realize that you don’t have anything to lose anymore.
Who’s gonna save the world tonight? / Who’s gonna bring it back to life?


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-12--Why Each Zodiac Sign Is Still Thinking About An Old Flame

You ’ ve been bored and are dying to inject a little excitement back into your life .
You ’ ve been feeling lonely lately and want someone , anyone , to fill the void .
You ’ ve matured and can ’ t stop wondering whether a relationship with them would work now that you ’ re both older and wiser .
You keep seeing their name pop up online and hearing it in conversation — and it ’ s hard not to take it as a sign you should reconnect with them .
So much has been changing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , so you want a link to your past .
You haven ’ t met anyone who has caught your interest in a while so you ’ re still stuck on people you used to know .
They meant a lot to you at one point , and once someone gains a place in your heart , they never leave .
Your heart has been pulling you in a bunch of different directions lately — so everyone has seemed like a good option .
You ’ re going through a dry spell and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ find someone who might be interested .
You feel like everyone else is moving forward with their life and you ’ re stuck , so you ’ re starting to lower your standards .
You miss the feeling of flirting — so right now , you would flirt with anyone .
You ’ ve been feeling insecure lately and miss the feeling you used to get when you were around this other person .

Aries
You’ve been bored and are dying to inject a little excitement back into your life.
Taurus
You’ve been feeling lonely lately and want someone, anyone, to fill the void.
Gemini
You’ve matured and can’t stop wondering whether a relationship with them would work now that you’re both older and wiser.
Cancer
You keep seeing their name pop up online and hearing it in conversation — and it’s hard not to take it as a sign you should reconnect with them.
For the person who is always googling astrological compatibility when they meet someone new. How You’ll Do Everything Based On Your Zodiac Sign includes an exhaustive analysis of each sign’s personality. You’ll learn which high school clique represents them (Pisces are the cool art kids), who would get eaten first in a scary movie (Gemini, obviously) to how each sign prefers to say ‘I love you’ (for Taurus, it’s with good food). Alternating between silly, sweet, and serious, this book is filled with deep dives into the mind of everyone whose birth chart you can get your hands on. Buy now
Leo
So much has been changing lately, and it’s scary, so you want a link to your past.
Virgo
You haven’t met anyone who has caught your interest in a while so you’re still stuck on people you used to know.
Libra
They meant a lot to you at one point, and once someone gains a place in your heart, they never leave.
Scorpio
Your heart has been pulling you in a bunch of different directions lately — so everyone has seemed like a good option.
Sagittarius
You’re going through a dry spell and are reaching far into your past to find someone who might be interested.
Capricorn
You feel like everyone else is moving forward with their life and you’re stuck, so you’re starting to lower your standards.
Aquarius
You miss the feeling of flirting — so right now, you would flirt with anyone.
Pisces
You’ve been feeling insecure lately and miss the feeling you used to get when you were around this other person.


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-12--30 Products That Were Originally Intended To Be Used By Men And Are Now Used By Women (And Vice Vers

30 Products That Were Originally Intended To Be Used By Men And Are Now Used By Women (And Vice Versa)

1 .
High heels were originally made for butchers to wear ( who were mostly men ) so that they could keep their feet clean of any blood from slaughtering animals .
2 .
Pink and blue were originally considered colors for boys and girls , respectively .
3 .
Yoga .
It was invented by men for men but for some reason it ’ s mostly women who gravitate towards it at least in the west .
Many men are too afraid to try it which is a shame because yoga is enjoyable I really enjoy it and it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Skirts used to be worn in battle by men for more room to move around .
5 .
In America , Ugg boots were originally worn by male surfers , with their girlfriends stealing and wearing them like they would a leather jacket .
6 .
Old Spice was launched by Shulton Inc. in 1937 .
William Lightfoot Schultz was inspired by his mother ’ s potpourri and as a result , the first Old Spice product in 1937 was a woman ’ s scent called Early American Old Spice .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ followed with Old Spice for men in 1938 .
8 .
Shaving razors were made for men , but women shave a good bit more now , both in frequency and surface area .
9 .
Makeup , primarily worn by wealthy men back in the day .
10 .
Wristwatches .
They were made because most women didn ’ t have pockets for pocket watches .
Now I pretty much just see men wear them , though they ’ ve started to fall out of style .
11 .
Names like Ashley @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Shelby , etc .
Used to be boys ’ names , now are mostly girls ’ .
I hope eventually people can just pick the name they like without worrying about which gender is using it more .
Boys are going to run out of names otherwise !
12 .
Not specifically for one gender , but maxi pads came about because nurses in WWI started using the wound packing pads for their periods .
Prior to that , women mainly used home made washable rags .
13 .
Fedoras and trilby hats @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ( fictional ) women who wore them .
14 .
Leggings .
In the early renaissance , young , fashionable men just… stopped wearing their skirts/robes .
The old , religious men were absolutely scandalized .
Sounds familiar , no ?
15 .
Purses .
Back in the day all the men carried their coinage in a purse .
Although it ’ s making a comeback for modern dudes .
16 .
Corsets were predominantly male when first brought about then gradually became both then just mainly female .
17 .
Pilates was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Joseph Pilates who created it for rehabilitation .
His first patients were actually war veterans and then dancers .
18 .
Historically , women wore trousers , while men wore robes in many parts of the world , like Greece , Persia and Rome , and some parts of Europe .
But definitely not in the US , France or England .
19 .
Most fashion inspired by military uniforms ( mostly men ) are usually worn by women ( combat boots , epaulets on shoulders , olive drab jackets , berets etc.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ magazine was founded in 1973 and was marketed to women .
However , gay men became the most dominant consumer of the magazine .
21 .
Midol was marketed as non-gender-specific headache medication when it was first created , decades later they changed to marketing it specifically for treating menstrual cramps and bloating .
23 .
I remember reading somewhere that Kleenex was made for ladies to remove their makeup , but their husbands were blowing their noses in them .
And now we all blow our noses in them .
24 .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ women because it was believed women couldn ’ t or wouldn ’ t be able to use a stick shift that it was too complicated for them .
25 .
Hitachi Magic Wand .
It was originally manufactured for relieving tension and relaxing sore muscles .
Often used by athletes .
But now is famous for its use as a sex toy/industrial strength vibrator .
26 .
The Ford Mustang .
It was supposed to be a car with a big trunk to you could fit all the groceries in it .
There @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that you can own a mustang that matches the color of your lipstick .
Makes sense why a lot of old mustangs are red .
27 .
Holding doors for people .
A woman was supposed to hold the door for a man so he could check for any dangers in the building ( the thought was mainly for married couples , but it could be done to a total stranger as well ) .
At some point it flipped and turned to just being a polite thing to do .
28 .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ made the biggest leap in terms of gendered marketing .
Once that whole conspiracy theory came out that like cigarettes are bad for you or something and more people switched to filtered cigarettes ( it ’ s filtered , that means it ’ s good for you ! )
was around the time the the salt of the earth classic American Marlboro Man came into existence , trying to distance the brand from its previously woman focused advertisements .
29 .
Those leg stirrups they use at the gynecologist were invented for removing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to cut from below the testicles and cut right through the prostate .
It had a very low survival rate .
30 .
Victoria ’ s Secret was originally supposed to be a place for men to buy lingerie for their wives and not feel embarrassed , but now it ’ s almost exclusively shopped at by women .

These products from Ask Reddit prove that gender stereotypes are completely made up and useless.
1. High heels were originally made for butchers to wear (who were mostly men) so that they could keep their feet clean of any blood from slaughtering animals.
2. Pink and blue were originally considered colors for boys and girls, respectively.
3. Yoga. It was invented by men for men but for some reason it’s mostly women who gravitate towards it at least in the west. Many men are too afraid to try it which is a shame because yoga is enjoyable I really enjoy it and it has a lot of benefits.
4. Skirts used to be worn in battle by men for more room to move around.
5. In America, Ugg boots were originally worn by male surfers, with their girlfriends stealing and wearing them like they would a leather jacket.
6. Old Spice was launched by Shulton Inc. in 1937. William Lightfoot Schultz was inspired by his mother’s potpourri and as a result, the first Old Spice product in 1937 was a woman’s scent called Early American Old Spice. The product was received well, and therefore followed with Old Spice for men in 1938.
7. Croptops. A football thing, initially.
8. Shaving razors were made for men, but women shave a good bit more now, both in frequency and surface area.
9. Makeup, primarily worn by wealthy men back in the day.
10. Wristwatches. They were made because most women didn’t have pockets for pocket watches. Now I pretty much just see men wear them, though they’ve started to fall out of style.
11. Names like Ashley, Kim, Beverly, Addison, Shelby, etc. Used to be boys’ names, now are mostly girls’. I hope eventually people can just pick the name they like without worrying about which gender is using it more. Boys are going to run out of names otherwise!
12. Not specifically for one gender, but maxi pads came about because nurses in WWI started using the wound packing pads for their periods. Prior to that, women mainly used home made washable rags.
13. Fedoras and trilby hats. Both hats are named for the (fictional) women who wore them.
14. Leggings. In the early renaissance, young, fashionable men just… stopped wearing their skirts/robes. The old, religious men were absolutely scandalized. Sounds familiar, no?
15. Purses. Back in the day all the men carried their coinage in a purse. Although it’s making a comeback for modern dudes.
16. Corsets were predominantly male when first brought about then gradually became both then just mainly female.
17. Pilates was actually created by a German man named Joseph Pilates who created it for rehabilitation. His first patients were actually war veterans and then dancers.
18. Historically, women wore trousers, while men wore robes in many parts of the world, like Greece, Persia and Rome, and some parts of Europe. But definitely not in the US, France or England.
19. Most fashion inspired by military uniforms (mostly men) are usually worn by women (combat boots, epaulets on shoulders, olive drab jackets, berets etc.).
20. Playgirl. The magazine was founded in 1973 and was marketed to women. However, gay men became the most dominant consumer of the magazine.
21. Midol was marketed as non-gender-specific headache medication when it was first created, decades later they changed to marketing it specifically for treating menstrual cramps and bloating.
22. Computer programming was a job originally intended for women.
23. I remember reading somewhere that Kleenex was made for ladies to remove their makeup, but their husbands were blowing their noses in them. And now we all blow our noses in them.
24. Automatic cars. They wear made for women because it was believed women couldn’t or wouldn’t be able to use a stick shift that it was too complicated for them.
25. Hitachi Magic Wand. It was originally manufactured for relieving tension and relaxing sore muscles. Often used by athletes. But now is famous for its use as a sex toy/industrial strength vibrator.
26. The Ford Mustang. It was supposed to be a car with a big trunk to you could fit all the groceries in it. There was even an ad or article stating that you can own a mustang that matches the color of your lipstick. Makes sense why a lot of old mustangs are red.
27. Holding doors for people. A woman was supposed to hold the door for a man so he could check for any dangers in the building (the thought was mainly for married couples, but it could be done to a total stranger as well). At some point it flipped and turned to just being a polite thing to do.
28. Filtered cigarettes in general, but Marlboro made the biggest leap in terms of gendered marketing. Once that whole conspiracy theory came out that like cigarettes are bad for you or something and more people switched to filtered cigarettes (it’s filtered, that means it’s good for you!) was around the time the the salt of the earth classic American Marlboro Man came into existence, trying to distance the brand from its previously woman focused advertisements.
29. Those leg stirrups they use at the gynecologist were invented for removing bladder stones in men. They used to cut from below the testicles and cut right through the prostate. It had a very low survival rate.
30. Victoria’s Secret was originally supposed to be a place for men to buy lingerie for their wives and not feel embarrassed, but now it’s almost exclusively shopped at by women.


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-12--Why Postponing My Wedding Sucked So Much (From Someone With Commitment Issues)

I never thought I would get married .
I never thought anyone would see enough value in me to drop down on one knee and propose .
I never thought someone would want me for more than a week , a month , a year , a decade .
I never thought someone would be able to look past my countless flaws and focus on the positive .
I never thought I would find someone who connected with me on such a deep , spiritual level .
More than that , I never thought I would feel comfortable enough to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fear of intimacy , fear of abandonment , fear of commitment .
I ’ m scared of letting down my walls and letting someone else into my heart .
I ’ ve always done my best to push others away as soon as they ’ ve stepped close .
I ’ ve always prided myself on protecting my heart , despite how my happiness might be impacted .
I never thought I would find someone who made me feel comfortable enough to open up about my past , someone who made me feel @ @ @ @ @ @ @ interest , someone who made me feel like everything was going to be okay in the end .
I never thought I would be the type of person who got so damn excited about planning a wedding , picking out a dress , tasting cakes , sending out invitations .
When those things finally happened for me , when I finally found a partner who I trusted to never let me down , the world let me down .
The wedding had to be postponed .
The honeymoon had to be canceled .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
We lost our excitement .
I know the world is bigger than me , know it doesn ’ t revolve around my thoughts and opinions , but it still feels like some sort of cruel joke to take a girl who is terrified of marriage , put her in a position where she ’ s finally comfortable with the idea of walking down the aisle , and then take it all away .
It feels like maybe I ’ m not supposed to be married after all .
It feels like maybe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could end up with a happily ever after .
There ’ s no doubt in my mind I ’ ve picked the right person .
I ’ m not second guessing him .
We ’ re going to spend the rest of our lives together , regardless of whether we make it official in front of an audience .
What I ’ m second guessing is something bigger , something unseeable , something existential .
It makes me wonder whether I deserve happiness , whether it ’ s even obtainable for someone so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ makes me wonder whether these milestones society deems important make a difference after all , whether they will truly bring me happiness or only the illusion of happiness .
It makes me wonder whether there ’ s any point in getting married when the connection between two people is so much more significant than what you call that connection .
It makes me wonder whether marriage is meant for someone like me after all .

I never thought I would get married. I never thought anyone would see enough value in me to drop down on one knee and propose. I never thought someone would want me for more than a week, a month, a year, a decade. I never thought someone would be able to look past my countless flaws and focus on the positive. I never thought I would find someone who connected with me on such a deep, spiritual level.
More than that, I never thought I would feel comfortable enough to commit to someone. I have a fear of intimacy, fear of abandonment, fear of commitment. I’m scared of letting down my walls and letting someone else into my heart. I’ve always done my best to push others away as soon as they’ve stepped close. I’ve always prided myself on protecting my heart, despite how my happiness might be impacted.
I never thought I would find someone who made me feel comfortable enough to open up about my past, someone who made me feel like settling down was in my best interest, someone who made me feel like everything was going to be okay in the end. I never thought I would be the type of person who got so damn excited about planning a wedding, picking out a dress, tasting cakes, sending out invitations.
When those things finally happened for me, when I finally found a partner who I trusted to never let me down, the world let me down. The wedding had to be postponed. The honeymoon had to be canceled. We lost money. We lost vendors. We lost our excitement.
I know the world is bigger than me, know it doesn’t revolve around my thoughts and opinions, but it still feels like some sort of cruel joke to take a girl who is terrified of marriage, put her in a position where she’s finally comfortable with the idea of walking down the aisle, and then take it all away. It feels like maybe I’m not supposed to be married after all. It feels like maybe it was a mistake to think I could end up with a happily ever after.
There’s no doubt in my mind I’ve picked the right person. I’m not second guessing him. We’re going to spend the rest of our lives together, regardless of whether we make it official in front of an audience. What I’m second guessing is something bigger, something unseeable, something existential.
It makes me wonder whether I deserve happiness, whether it’s even obtainable for someone so damaged and flawed as me.
It makes me wonder whether these milestones society deems important make a difference after all, whether they will truly bring me happiness or only the illusion of happiness.
It makes me wonder whether there’s any point in getting married when the connection between two people is so much more significant than what you call that connection.
It makes me wonder whether marriage is meant for someone like me after all.