thoughtcatalog--2020-09-23--What I Wish I Could Tell My Younger Self About Consent

Ever since the # MeToo movement became widespread in 2017 , women and men have slowly started to grow more comfortable speaking out about the sexual abuse that 20 % of all women and 4 % of all men have experienced in their lives—and that ’ s just the ones we know about .
I ’ ve always been quite outspoken about issues like this , but even I ’ ve been reluctant to discuss it myself until I realized that my silence made it that much harder for other survivors to stand up and heal themselves .
Consent has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but that is something only an abuser would say—it ’ s actually very simple .
If you don ’ t say yes , it ’ s not consent .
That ’ s something I ’ ve had to grapple with in my mind for many years as I slowly realized that there were too many instances in my life that a man had done something to me that I did not consent to .
I realized that I had been a survivor of sexual abuse and that abuse was far too common @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me .
And when I look back , I can see so many things that other people decided meant consent for me .
Being in a relationship isn ’ t consent .
Whether you ’ re dating someone , married , even if you ’ re just friends with benefits , having a previous sexual relationship with somebody doesn ’ t mean you ’ re entitled to have sex with that person again .
Yes , most allosexual people in a monogamous relationship will get all of their sexual interaction from their partner @ @ @ @ @ @ @ partner is responsible for your sexual urges and needs .
If your partner isn ’ t reacting to you , the simple courtesy of checking ” Do you want to have sex/make love/fuck ?
” makes all the difference for both of you .
Being drunk isn ’ t consent .
A lot of people do stupid things when they ’ re drunk .
After a few drinks , I ’ m sure most of us like to think we ’ re still mostly in control of our bodies and minds .
But @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when we can ’ t seem to see straight or think straight , when we probably wouldn ’ t quite be able to understand why things are happening .
If someone is too drunk to stand or speak without slurring , they ’ re too drunk to consent to anything .
Silence isn ’ t consent .
Sometimes , when people are in a scary situation , they just shut down and shut up because they don ’ t know what to do .
I ’ ve known so many people who have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve been too scared to say no or simply didn ’ t know how .
Sex is meant to be fun , it ’ s meant to be enjoyable , so clearly if the person you ’ re having sex with is dead silent and still , there ’ s a problem here and you need to address it .
Being flirted with isn ’ t consent .
People like to flirt—I know enough people who can ’ t seem to string a sentence together without some type of flirty joke being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with someone to signal an attraction to that person , but again , that doesn ’ t mean they want to get into bed with you .
If someone flirts with you all night but then retreats or simply says no , you do not get to disagree .
You do not get to be angry .
Respect people ’ s choices .
Being nice to someone isn ’ t consent .
“ But why have you been so nice to me then ?
” Because I ’ m a nice person .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ expecting something .
“ But I ’ ve been so nice to you !
” Okay , nice guy , that still means nothing to me .
Simply being the bare minimum of a decent human being entitles you to nothing .
It doesn ’ t make you special .
Liking someone isn ’ t consent .
If you like someone , whether they like you back or not , you have absolutely no right to their body .
Just simply being attracted , physically or romantically , to someone doesn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a right to act on it .
“ But I really like you , I can ’ t help myself around you.
” That ’ s pretty much admitting you ’ ve got the potential for sexual assault .
And that ’ s on you , not me .
Clothing isn ’ t consent .
Modesty empowers some , nudity empowers others .
The way a person chooses to decorate their body has absolutely no bearing on their sexual availability or value .
No , these aren ’ t “ fuck-me boots , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ good on me , and that ’ s not for your benefit .
I enjoy wearing very tight and revealing outfits because I enjoy my body—I feel powerful in my own skin .
If someone wants to look , they ’ re more than welcome , but it is never an invitation for you to comment on it or touch me .
Being sexually active isn ’ t consent .
Sex is to be enjoyed , and whether you want to save that for marriage or enjoy casual sex , that ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you alone .
If someone has slept with a lot of people , that doesn ’ t mean they want to sleep with you .
It ’ s not an invitation .
I ’ m very open about sexuality and sex—there is no shame in it—and if i want to have sex with you , trust me , I ’ ll tell you quite clearly .
And maybe you should consider that some people have a much higher body count because of questionable interactions where they didn ’ t feel safe to refuse @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t consent .
Strippers , Models , Actors , Phone Operators—there ’ s a lot of different options for working in the adult industry and all of them are valid career paths .
Now , here ’ s the thing that a lot of people don ’ t understand : There ’ s a very important difference between being a sex worker and being treated as a sex object , and that difference is consent .
That person is doing things they are comfortable with and happy with as a job , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , then you need to show some respect for the trade .
So no , you can ’ t expect anything from a sex worker just because of their job .
You wouldn ’ t harass a normal actor and ask them to perform in your amatuer play , would you ?
It ’ s the same thing .
Being begged or coerced isn ’ t consent .
Sometimes , people say no .
But still , there ’ s abusers out there who will continue trying , blackmailing and bribing until their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ no .
So maybe they say yes then .
But it ’ s still not consent .
If someone is in a vulnerable state , and you coerce them , that is sexual abuse , whether they eventually agree or not .
Being “ almost legal : isn ’ t consent .
I don ’ t know how much more simply I can say this : A child can not consent to have any sexual contact with an adult .
Whether this child agrees to this or not , that is rape .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ someone in that situation .
There are no “ underage women and men , ” there are children and there are abusers .
There is no other way to put it .
So , if you ’ re confused by all of this , I ’ m sorry to say that you ’ re probably part of the problem .
Now , I hear you saying , “ What ?
It ’ s like you can ’ t even talk to someone without being accused of rape nowadays !
I just won ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
” And I ’ m sure I can speak on behalf of us all when I say , “ We would love that .
”

Ever since the #MeToo movement became widespread in 2017, women and men have slowly started to grow more comfortable speaking out about the sexual abuse that 20% of all women and 4% of all men have experienced in their lives—and that’s just the ones we know about. I’ve always been quite outspoken about issues like this, but even I’ve been reluctant to discuss it myself until I realized that my silence made it that much harder for other survivors to stand up and heal themselves.
Consent has always been seen as a tricky issue, but that is something only an abuser would say—it’s actually very simple.
If you don’t say yes, it’s not consent.
That’s something I’ve had to grapple with in my mind for many years as I slowly realized that there were too many instances in my life that a man had done something to me that I did not consent to. I realized that I had been a survivor of sexual abuse and that abuse was far too common in my life and the people around me.
And when I look back, I can see so many things that other people decided meant consent for me.
Being in a relationship isn’t consent. Whether you’re dating someone, married, even if you’re just friends with benefits, having a previous sexual relationship with somebody doesn’t mean you’re entitled to have sex with that person again. Yes, most allosexual people in a monogamous relationship will get all of their sexual interaction from their partner, but that does not mean that partner is responsible for your sexual urges and needs. If your partner isn’t reacting to you, the simple courtesy of checking ”Do you want to have sex/make love/fuck?” makes all the difference for both of you.
Being drunk isn’t consent. A lot of people do stupid things when they’re drunk. After a few drinks, I’m sure most of us like to think we’re still mostly in control of our bodies and minds. But we’ve all been there, when we can’t seem to see straight or think straight, when we probably wouldn’t quite be able to understand why things are happening. If someone is too drunk to stand or speak without slurring, they’re too drunk to consent to anything.
Silence isn’t consent. Sometimes, when people are in a scary situation, they just shut down and shut up because they don’t know what to do. I’ve known so many people who have been forced into sexual encounters because they’ve been too scared to say no or simply didn’t know how. Sex is meant to be fun, it’s meant to be enjoyable, so clearly if the person you’re having sex with is dead silent and still, there’s a problem here and you need to address it.
Being flirted with isn’t consent. People like to flirt—I know enough people who can’t seem to string a sentence together without some type of flirty joke being included. Yes, we mostly flirt with someone to signal an attraction to that person, but again, that doesn’t mean they want to get into bed with you. If someone flirts with you all night but then retreats or simply says no, you do not get to disagree. You do not get to be angry. Respect people’s choices.
Being nice to someone isn’t consent. “But why have you been so nice to me then?” Because I’m a nice person. I can be nice to people without expecting something. “But I’ve been so nice to you!” Okay, nice guy, that still means nothing to me. Simply being the bare minimum of a decent human being entitles you to nothing. It doesn’t make you special.
Liking someone isn’t consent. If you like someone, whether they like you back or not, you have absolutely no right to their body. Just simply being attracted, physically or romantically, to someone doesn’t mean you need to act on—or have a right to act on it. “But I really like you, I can’t help myself around you.” That’s pretty much admitting you’ve got the potential for sexual assault. And that’s on you, not me.
Clothing isn’t consent. Modesty empowers some, nudity empowers others. The way a person chooses to decorate their body has absolutely no bearing on their sexual availability or value. No, these aren’t “fuck-me boots,” these are boots. They look good on me, and that’s not for your benefit. I enjoy wearing very tight and revealing outfits because I enjoy my body—I feel powerful in my own skin. If someone wants to look, they’re more than welcome, but it is never an invitation for you to comment on it or touch me.
Being sexually active isn’t consent. Sex is to be enjoyed, and whether you want to save that for marriage or enjoy casual sex, that’s okay—your sexual identity belongs to you and you alone. If someone has slept with a lot of people, that doesn’t mean they want to sleep with you. It’s not an invitation. I’m very open about sexuality and sex—there is no shame in it—and if i want to have sex with you, trust me, I’ll tell you quite clearly. And maybe you should consider that some people have a much higher body count because of questionable interactions where they didn’t feel safe to refuse.
Working in the sex industry isn’t consent. Strippers, Models, Actors, Phone Operators—there’s a lot of different options for working in the adult industry and all of them are valid career paths. Now, here’s the thing that a lot of people don’t understand: There’s a very important difference between being a sex worker and being treated as a sex object, and that difference is consent. That person is doing things they are comfortable with and happy with as a job, and if you’re consuming that, then you need to show some respect for the trade. So no, you can’t expect anything from a sex worker just because of their job. You wouldn’t harass a normal actor and ask them to perform in your amatuer play, would you? It’s the same thing.
Being begged or coerced isn’t consent. Sometimes, people say no. But still, there’s abusers out there who will continue trying, blackmailing and bribing until their partner feels unable or scared to say no. So maybe they say yes then. But it’s still not consent. If someone is in a vulnerable state, and you coerce them, that is sexual abuse, whether they eventually agree or not.
Being “almost legal: isn’t consent. I don’t know how much more simply I can say this: A child cannot consent to have any sexual contact with an adult. Whether this child agrees to this or not, that is rape. There is no justification for ever putting someone in that situation. There are no “underage women and men,” there are children and there are abusers. There is no other way to put it.
So, if you’re confused by all of this, I’m sorry to say that you’re probably part of the problem.
Now, I hear you saying, “What? It’s like you can’t even talk to someone without being accused of rape nowadays! I just won’t even bother trying with people anymore!” And I’m sure I can speak on behalf of us all when I say, “We would love that.”


thoughtcatalog--2020-09-23--These Zodiac Pairs Make The Absolute Best Friends

The intellectual stimulation ?
The desire to always want to know more ?
These two find a pretty instant connection without trying too hard .
There is never a dull moment with these two , especially mentally .
These two can talk about anything , and each holds their own in voicing their opinions- they challenge and expand each other ’ s minds .
Gemini tends to be more social , which pulls Aquarius out of their shell a little .
Aquarius signs tend to really focus on topics that lean towards the serious side and focus on helping people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tend to be a bit scattered .
These two really bring out the best in each other .
Two grounded , hard-working , goal-oriented signs ?
We love to see the energy .
Virgos and Capricorns have similar vibes in their lives , which makes sense why they click so well .
Both of them value a strong work ethic and believe in doing what it takes to get things done .
They are both dependable , somewhat sarcastic , and a bit pessimistic at times .
Though it sounds like they are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they mirror in each other .
Virgos tend to be a little more relaxed and adaptable to situations , helping Capricorns when they are too rigid .
They can help turn each other ’ s dreams into a reality- Capricorns are great at starting plans and taking the lead .
Virgos do well with organizing the details and following through .
There isn ’ t much these two can ’ t do when they ’ re together .
Both of these signs are openly emotional and romantic- and they wouldn ’ t have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Pisces signs both hold an incredible amount of empathy and compassion for other people .
When they connect on any level , they feel totally understood .
Cancers are a bit more grounded and really focus on creating a safe space to be comfortable in .
Pisces are a bit more relaxed and scattered , trying to make any place one of vulnerability and openness .
They listen to and care for each other immensely , and aren ’ t afraid of the other ’ s emotional weight , which tends to drive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at home with each other .
The excitable , optimistic , blunt energy is quite apparent here .
These two really enjoy diving headfirst into life and experiencing it to the fullest .
They are always up for a new adventure .
Sagittarius signs are humorous and lighten up any room they ’ re in , which causes Aries to lighten up a little .
Aries signs are bold and unafraid of risk , which Sagittarius truly admires .
Together these two take action and encourage each other rather than sitting around and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and Leos enjoy status and are very sociable .
They both desire admiration and recognition though they go about it in slightly different ways .
Leos definitely take charge and aren ’ t afraid to step into the spotlight , which Libras admire .
Libras are great at making personal connections and doing what they can to support others , which Leos desire to do more of in their own lives .
Both signs don ’ t hesitate to encourage and hype the other up , which boosts each other ’ s confidence @ @ @ @ @ @ @ two are a bit mysterious and prefer to be alone , but are more than fine with being alone together .
They are loyal and practical and don ’ t feel the need to expose themselves to the rest of the world .
Taurus signs provide a bit of grounding presence when Scorpios become emotional .
Scorpios are more in touch with their emotions , which can help Taurus ’ when they get stuck in their own heads .
Together these two build their own lives and secretly achieve all of their goals @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they ’ ve made it .
Their power is virtually unmatched , and hardly anyone sees it coming since they are so reserved .

Gemini and Aquarius
The intellectual stimulation? The desire to always want to know more? These two find a pretty instant connection without trying too hard. There is never a dull moment with these two, especially mentally. These two can talk about anything, and each holds their own in voicing their opinions- they challenge and expand each other’s minds. Gemini tends to be more social, which pulls Aquarius out of their shell a little. Aquarius signs tend to really focus on topics that lean towards the serious side and focus on helping people, which can help Geminis, who tend to be a bit scattered. These two really bring out the best in each other.
Capricorn and Virgo
Two grounded, hard-working, goal-oriented signs? We love to see the energy. Virgos and Capricorns have similar vibes in their lives, which makes sense why they click so well. Both of them value a strong work ethic and believe in doing what it takes to get things done. They are both dependable, somewhat sarcastic, and a bit pessimistic at times. Though it sounds like they are too similar, they appreciate the qualities they mirror in each other. Virgos tend to be a little more relaxed and adaptable to situations, helping Capricorns when they are too rigid. They can help turn each other’s dreams into a reality- Capricorns are great at starting plans and taking the lead. Virgos do well with organizing the details and following through. There isn’t much these two can’t do when they’re together.
Pisces and Cancer
Both of these signs are openly emotional and romantic- and they wouldn’t have it any other way. Cancer and Pisces signs both hold an incredible amount of empathy and compassion for other people. When they connect on any level, they feel totally understood. Cancers are a bit more grounded and really focus on creating a safe space to be comfortable in. Pisces are a bit more relaxed and scattered, trying to make any place one of vulnerability and openness. They listen to and care for each other immensely, and aren’t afraid of the other’s emotional weight, which tends to drive others away. These two feel perfectly at home with each other.
Sagittarius and Aries
The excitable, optimistic, blunt energy is quite apparent here. These two really enjoy diving headfirst into life and experiencing it to the fullest. They are always up for a new adventure. Sagittarius signs are humorous and lighten up any room they’re in, which causes Aries to lighten up a little. Aries signs are bold and unafraid of risk, which Sagittarius truly admires. Together these two take action and encourage each other rather than sitting around and only thinking about doing something.
For the person who is always googling astrological compatibility when they meet someone new. How You’ll Do Everything Based On Your Zodiac Sign includes an exhaustive analysis of each sign’s personality. You’ll learn which high school clique represents them (Pisces are the cool art kids), who would get eaten first in a scary movie (Gemini, obviously) to how each sign prefers to say ‘I love you’ (for Taurus, it’s with good food). Alternating between silly, sweet, and serious, this book is filled with deep dives into the mind of everyone whose birth chart you can get your hands on. Buy now
Libra and Leo
Libras and Leos enjoy status and are very sociable. They both desire admiration and recognition though they go about it in slightly different ways. Leos definitely take charge and aren’t afraid to step into the spotlight, which Libras admire. Libras are great at making personal connections and doing what they can to support others, which Leos desire to do more of in their own lives. Both signs don’t hesitate to encourage and hype the other up, which boosts each other’s confidence and forms a strong bond.
Scorpio and Taurus
These two are a bit mysterious and prefer to be alone, but are more than fine with being alone together. They are loyal and practical and don’t feel the need to expose themselves to the rest of the world. Taurus signs provide a bit of grounding presence when Scorpios become emotional. Scorpios are more in touch with their emotions, which can help Taurus’ when they get stuck in their own heads. Together these two build their own lives and secretly achieve all of their goals and then show off their success once they’ve made it. Their power is virtually unmatched, and hardly anyone sees it coming since they are so reserved.


thoughtcatalog--2020-09-23--Buying Myself Back In The Age Of Digital Media

You don ’ t have to be a supermodel to relate to Emily Ratajkowski ’ s essay Buying Myself Back .
Social media .
The internet .
Modern technology .
What is that famous line ?
With great power comes great responsibility .
And despite the past tragedies of the human race , it remains crystal clear that we choose to ignore the responsibility of the bargain for power .
Have you ever Googled yourself ?
I have .
I was told that people were sharing my writing on other platforms and I wanted to see for myself .
See @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about every writer craves .
Appreciation was not what I found .
Violated was all I felt .
As a model , I have come to terms with my pictures being in the public eye .
My portfolio is just one click away .
What I had not accepted was photos and stories from my Instagram account reposted on various websites , where you are able to “ access posts and stories from private accounts.
” I was horrified .
Even more so when I realized that it wasn ’ t because I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this had happened .
No , if you have over a thousand Instagram followers , I am sorry to tell you that your posts , the pictures from your birthday getaway , and forgotten reminders of old relationships , they ’ re all there .
They always say that once it ’ s on the internet , it can never truly be erased .
I never thought I would be face to face with photos that I had deleted over a year ago .
What ’ s the worst part about this ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ it .
You can ’ t report it .
In the eyes of the law , you gave away your rights to those photos the second you clicked post .
Because you posted something within the safety of your private account , you no longer have a say in who gets to own , use , and see those photos .
Sadly , women are used to this sense of powerlessness .
Women have never had the right to our own image .
For as long as the human race has thrived on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump ’ s “ grab them by the… ” ( I won ’ t even entertain the misogyny by finishing that sentence ) , women have been the patriarchy ’ s puppet .
We are told what to wear , how to wear it , when to wear it , how to do our hair , how to be a good girl—no matter what , through the discourses promoted by the media and the norms that govern society , we have never owned ourselves .
We are sexualized in public , in movies @ @ @ @ @ @ @ We are sexualized , but we aren ’ t allowed to be sexual .
We can ’ t possibly have agency .
Society owns us .
No , correction : Men own us , or at least they own our image .
That is precisely why Buying Myself Back is so important .
To a certain extent , all women are in the process of buying themselves back .
Feminist discourse is being brought to the table .
We are no longer sitting quietly and looking pretty .
Every woman at some point @ @ @ @ @ @ @ decision to buy herself back .
She has to take back parts of her soul that society took from her .
She has to claim her body as her own .
She needs to let her voice be heard .
That is exactly what Emily Ratajkowski did .
She made the choice to publicly reclaim her image from people who had no right to take it .
She has opened the door for us .
She rammed that door open so that we could follow suit .
Emily , you are a damn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hear you and we stand with you .

You don’t have to be a supermodel to relate to Emily Ratajkowski’s essay Buying Myself Back.
Social media. The internet. Modern technology. What is that famous line? With great power comes great responsibility. And despite the past tragedies of the human race, it remains crystal clear that we choose to ignore the responsibility of the bargain for power.
Have you ever Googled yourself? I have. I was told that people were sharing my writing on other platforms and I wanted to see for myself. See the appreciation for my work that just about every writer craves. Appreciation was not what I found. Violated was all I felt.
As a model, I have come to terms with my pictures being in the public eye. My portfolio is just one click away. What I had not accepted was photos and stories from my Instagram account reposted on various websites, where you are able to “access posts and stories from private accounts.” I was horrified. Even more so when I realized that it wasn’t because I was a model or a writer that this had happened. No, if you have over a thousand Instagram followers, I am sorry to tell you that your posts, the pictures from your birthday getaway, and forgotten reminders of old relationships, they’re all there.
They always say that once it’s on the internet, it can never truly be erased. I never thought I would be face to face with photos that I had deleted over a year ago.
What’s the worst part about this? There is nothing you can do about it. You can’t report it. In the eyes of the law, you gave away your rights to those photos the second you clicked post. Because you posted something within the safety of your private account, you no longer have a say in who gets to own, use, and see those photos.
Sadly, women are used to this sense of powerlessness. Women have never had the right to our own image. For as long as the human race has thrived on this planet, from the Bible to Trump’s “grab them by the…” (I won’t even entertain the misogyny by finishing that sentence), women have been the patriarchy’s puppet. We are told what to wear, how to wear it, when to wear it, how to do our hair, how to be a good girl—no matter what, through the discourses promoted by the media and the norms that govern society, we have never owned ourselves.
We are sexualized in public, in movies, in adverts, and books. We are sexualized, but we aren’t allowed to be sexual. We can’t possibly have agency.
Society owns us. No, correction: Men own us, or at least they own our image.
That is precisely why Buying Myself Back is so important. To a certain extent, all women are in the process of buying themselves back. Feminist discourse is being brought to the table. We are no longer sitting quietly and looking pretty.
Every woman at some point in her life has to make the decision to buy herself back. She has to take back parts of her soul that society took from her. She has to claim her body as her own. She needs to let her voice be heard.
That is exactly what Emily Ratajkowski did. She made the choice to publicly reclaim her image from people who had no right to take it. She has opened the door for us. She rammed that door open so that we could follow suit.
Emily, you are a damn warrior. We see you. We hear you and we stand with you.


thoughtcatalog--2020-09-23--A Love Letter To The Tinder Matches That Never Were

I know we spent a lot of time getting to know each other .
I remember all of the late-night conversations and the way it always felt the first time we truly connected .
I know all of your favorite bands and how you like to drink your coffee .
I know what scares you most and what your biggest dreams are in this life .
I remember it all .
It is amazing how much time we can invest into someone we hardly even know .
One day , this complete stranger pops up into your life , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the potential to change for you forever .
I often wonder if you could have been that change in my forever .
Sometimes I was the reason that our connection fizzled out .
I would look at you , and I would listen to you .
I would take in each and every word you spoke , and then I would decide that you were not my person .
I have always had a difficult time seeing past the potential of a first date .
I knew that I would either connect with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ did not want to go on a second date with you just because I was lonely or just because I thought that maybe this time , I could make this work .
I could make you work .
I could mold you into who and what I have always been looking for .
Maybe this time I could finally cave and become everything that you were looking for .
Maybe this would be the time when I finally just gave up .
But I knew that would not be fair to you .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ someone who decided to settle for the next person who showed genuine interest in them .
I knew you deserved someone who looked at you and just knew that this was their person .
I do not know if I ever could have looked at you and felt that security , that magnetic pull .
Sometimes when I looked at you , all I saw was a clear picture of a future I never wanted .
This is why I pushed you away .
This is why I was distant .
I did @ @ @ @ @ @ @ attached to me , so I did my best to detach from you before you even had the chance to try .
Sometimes I wonder if I even really tried or if I just let my own fear of commitment , of something finally working out , get the best of me .
Some nights , I lay awake and wonder if it was you I did not like or if I just do not like myself .
I often justified my ghosting through my busy work schedule .
I could find an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as to why I could never go out with you .
I refused to carve out even a moment of my time for someone who just wanted the chance to get to know me .
I refused to acknowledge the choice I perpetually made to value my career over genuine human connection .
I refused to acknowledge just how afraid I was to meet someone new .
I have always found it much easier to lose myself in my work than to risk losing myself to another person .
I have used my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a shield .
Any time any person has shown the slightest interest in me , I panic and hide behind a mountain of paperwork and appointments .
I would do anything to avoid opening myself up to someone new .
I have learned that if I never go on the date in the first place , then you can not hurt me .
But that does not mean that I can not hurt you .
The amount of time I spent getting to know you , only to avoid ever having to spend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ perplexing .
I know that I did so much to try to win your affection , and then once I did , I moved on .
And on .
And on .
Again .
And again .
And again .
I cycled through you like you all were just names on a list to check off and not actual people with actual feelings living actual lives behind those screens .
I know that I have told you that I am sorry .
I ’ m sorry does not make up for the coffees @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t-shirt from my favorite band that I would never even make time to get from you .
Nothing can really make up for your wasted time .
For someone who has been hurt and recycled in the exact same way that I have done to you , I wish that I had a better reason for why I did it .
And why I continue to do it .
I ’ m sorry .
I was busy .
I just didn ’ t feel a spark .
Maybe we should just be friends @ @ @ @ @ @ @ letters and words that I would string together instead of telling you the truth .
I was scared .
I am scared .
The idea of meeting someone new and making myself so vulnerable in such a cold , heartless world is overwhelming .
The idea that you could eventually become another name that I will never forget and another story that will haunt me every day of my life is terrifying .
Where will the hurt go when there is already so much here ?
How can I take back everything I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said ?
I can not take it back , and the hurt will overflow and pour out of me .
How could I ever let someone in again , now that I know the true cost of heartbreak ?
How could I ever move on ?
I hope one day that you find your person .
Maybe you already have .
I hope I am not the reason that your heart has turned cold .
I hope I have not done to you what so many others have done to me .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ someone special .
I hope you know just how worthy you are of a wonderful , loving relationship .
I hope you know that you deserve to have someone by your side who actually wants to be there .
You deserve someone who trusts in the value of human connection , instead of someone who runs at the first sign of potential .
You deserve someone who will make time for you and for their career and for both of your dreams to come true .
You deserve to have someone give you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ give to others .
You deserve to be happy .
And you will be .
I am so sorry that I could not be that happiness for you .
I am sorry that I gave you hope only to take it all away as soon as things got too serious .
I am so sorry that I just can ’ t be your person .
The right person for you is out there .
The right person for you will stay .
The right person for you was never meant to be me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the relationship you really deserve .
You were just another lesson for me on how not to treat another human being .
I will never be your person , and I think that is what ’ s best for both of us .

I know we spent a lot of time getting to know each other. I remember all of the late-night conversations and the way it always felt the first time we truly connected. I know all of your favorite bands and how you like to drink your coffee. I know what scares you most and what your biggest dreams are in this life. I remember it all.
It is amazing how much time we can invest into someone we hardly even know. One day, this complete stranger pops up into your life, and all of a sudden, things have the potential to change for you forever. I often wonder if you could have been that change in my forever.
Sometimes I was the reason that our connection fizzled out. I would look at you, and I would listen to you. I would take in each and every word you spoke, and then I would decide that you were not my person. I have always had a difficult time seeing past the potential of a first date.
I knew that I would either connect with you or I would not. I did not want to go on a second date with you just because I was lonely or just because I thought that maybe this time, I could make this work. I could make you work. I could mold you into who and what I have always been looking for. Maybe this time I could finally cave and become everything that you were looking for. Maybe this would be the time when I finally just gave up.
But I knew that would not be fair to you. I knew that you deserved more than someone who decided to settle for the next person who showed genuine interest in them. I knew you deserved someone who looked at you and just knew that this was their person. I do not know if I ever could have looked at you and felt that security, that magnetic pull. Sometimes when I looked at you, all I saw was a clear picture of a future I never wanted.
This is why I pushed you away. This is why I was distant. I did not want you to get any more attached to me, so I did my best to detach from you before you even had the chance to try. Sometimes I wonder if I even really tried or if I just let my own fear of commitment, of something finally working out, get the best of me. Some nights, I lay awake and wonder if it was you I did not like or if I just do not like myself.
I often justified my ghosting through my busy work schedule. I could find an excuse for every day of the week as to why I could never go out with you. I refused to carve out even a moment of my time for someone who just wanted the chance to get to know me. I refused to acknowledge the choice I perpetually made to value my career over genuine human connection. I refused to acknowledge just how afraid I was to meet someone new. I have always found it much easier to lose myself in my work than to risk losing myself to another person. I have used my career as a defense mechanism and as a shield. Any time any person has shown the slightest interest in me, I panic and hide behind a mountain of paperwork and appointments. I would do anything to avoid opening myself up to someone new. I have learned that if I never go on the date in the first place, then you cannot hurt me.
But that does not mean that I cannot hurt you. The amount of time I spent getting to know you, only to avoid ever having to spend any real time with you, is perplexing. I know that I did so much to try to win your affection, and then once I did, I moved on. And on. And on. Again. And again. And again. I cycled through you like you all were just names on a list to check off and not actual people with actual feelings living actual lives behind those screens.
I know that I have told you that I am sorry. I’m sorry does not make up for the coffees bought that I never drank or the t-shirt from my favorite band that I would never even make time to get from you. Nothing can really make up for your wasted time. For someone who has been hurt and recycled in the exact same way that I have done to you, I wish that I had a better reason for why I did it. And why I continue to do it.
I’m sorry. I was busy. I just didn’t feel a spark. Maybe we should just be friends. These are just a bunch of letters and words that I would string together instead of telling you the truth. I was scared. I am scared. The idea of meeting someone new and making myself so vulnerable in such a cold, heartless world is overwhelming. The idea that you could eventually become another name that I will never forget and another story that will haunt me every day of my life is terrifying. Where will the hurt go when there is already so much here? How can I take back everything I told you once it has already been said? I cannot take it back, and the hurt will overflow and pour out of me. How could I ever let someone in again, now that I know the true cost of heartbreak? How could I ever move on?
I hope one day that you find your person. Maybe you already have. I hope I am not the reason that your heart has turned cold. I hope I have not done to you what so many others have done to me. I hope you know that you really are someone special. I hope you know just how worthy you are of a wonderful, loving relationship. I hope you know that you deserve to have someone by your side who actually wants to be there. You deserve someone who trusts in the value of human connection, instead of someone who runs at the first sign of potential. You deserve someone who will make time for you and for their career and for both of your dreams to come true. You deserve to have someone give you all of the love you so readily give to others. You deserve to be happy. And you will be.
I am so sorry that I could not be that happiness for you. I am sorry that I gave you hope only to take it all away as soon as things got too serious. I am so sorry that I just can’t be your person.
The right person for you is out there. The right person for you will stay. The right person for you was never meant to be me. I was just another stepping stone to the relationship you really deserve. You were just another lesson for me on how not to treat another human being.
I will never be your person, and I think that is what’s best for both of us.


thoughtcatalog--2020-09-24--On The Days It Feels Like You’ll Never Move Forward, Just Remember How Far You’ve Come

On the days when it feels like you will never get through this season , this period , this transition — please remember all of the mountains you have scaled before .
Please remember all of the nights you spent convinced that the anxiety wouldn ’ t leave , that you ’ d never move beyond where you were in that very moment .
Whether you realized it or not , the time passed .
Without you having to even try , joy emerged from your days .
One day , something small brought you a little ease , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
You realized that everything was going to be okay , even if it doesn ’ t always feel okay .
You let the waves crash , and then you let them recede .
Whether you realized it or not , you found courage .
You did things you once did not believe you could do , even if those things were just finding the will to wake up and face each day .
You felt worse than you were capable of feeling , you suffered loss that you couldn ’ t have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reality , which is sometimes cold , and sometimes hard , and sometimes brutally unfair .
But also , unimaginably sweet .
Because while you were mourning what you thought would be , you also found softness .
You discovered how important it is to love the people nearest to you , and how invaluable they are .
You began to appreciate what you didn ’ t see before .
You began to know that you were enough , because you decided what was enough .
Whether you realized it or not , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ perimeters of what your heart could hold , and how much it could process .
You discovered that your strength is limitless , you just don ’ t know what if it ’ s never been tested before .
And over time , what was once impossible became easy .
The life you have today is a mere dream of the past .
The things you do right now were once the things you only could have ever prayed to have .
The people in your life are the ones you gazed out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they would ever arrive , if someone would ever show up that made you feel so deeply understood .
You do not have to have everything in order to make the best of anything , because the truth is that goodness is something we extract from life , something we savor , something we choose to see .
It ’ s not always something we can achieve , or find .
So when the day comes that it feels most like you will never move beyond where you are right now , please @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and through what .
Please remember all of the times you were stuck and were sure you would never get out from under the crushing weight of your own disappointment and defeat .
Please remember all of the times you were truly heartbroken , truly let down .
Then remember all of the nights you dreamed of being where you are right now .
The days you spent working and planning and hoping that it would all work out .
In one way or another , a path was made where it did @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up .
The doors creaked open .
You met the people who you ’ d spend years of your life with , people who were once strangers .
You discovered things about yourself you did not yet know .
You learned what it takes to feel safe , and not .
You learned what you enjoy , and what you don ’ t .
You learned what you value , and what you don ’ t .
You learned , because you discovered , the honest truth of who you are and who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ You found yourself , not because you were searching , but because you were cornered .
When discomfort in life peaks , we are left to look around and wonder why .
Through that reflection , we discover all the pieces that are out of place , and then we find the courage to put them back together .
You will move the pieces in front of you today .
You will arrive to the horizon you ’ re gazing at in due time .
Instead of fearing that the road will fall @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what life has shown you : that things can be scary , but that a way is always made .
That even if you don ’ t believe you ’ re worthy , you ’ re always given enough .
That even if you don ’ t believe you ’ re lovable , you ’ re always loved .
That even if you don ’ t think there ’ s a way forward , there always is .
When it feels most like nothing will ever give and the mountain ahead of you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ remember how you crossed every one that ’ s behind you : one step , one hour , one moment , one glimmer of hope at a time .

On the days when it feels like you will never get through this season, this period, this transition — please remember all of the mountains you have scaled before. Please remember all of the nights you spent convinced that the anxiety wouldn’t leave, that you’d never move beyond where you were in that very moment.
Whether you realized it or not, the time passed. Without you having to even try, joy emerged from your days. One day, something small brought you a little ease, and then a little more. You waited. You realized that everything was going to be okay, even if it doesn’t always feel okay. You let the waves crash, and then you let them recede.
Whether you realized it or not, you found courage. You did things you once did not believe you could do, even if those things were just finding the will to wake up and face each day. You felt worse than you were capable of feeling, you suffered loss that you couldn’t have conceived prior. You were awakened to reality, which is sometimes cold, and sometimes hard, and sometimes brutally unfair.
But also, unimaginably sweet. Because while you were mourning what you thought would be, you also found softness. You discovered how important it is to love the people nearest to you, and how invaluable they are. You began to appreciate what you didn’t see before. You began to know that you were enough, because you decided what was enough.
Whether you realized it or not, you became resilient. You explored the perimeters of what your heart could hold, and how much it could process. You discovered that your strength is limitless, you just don’t know what if it’s never been tested before.
And over time, what was once impossible became easy.
The life you have today is a mere dream of the past. The things you do right now were once the things you only could have ever prayed to have. The people in your life are the ones you gazed out the window for years and wondered if they would ever arrive, if someone would ever show up that made you feel so deeply understood.
You do not have to have everything in order to make the best of anything, because the truth is that goodness is something we extract from life, something we savor, something we choose to see. It’s not always something we can achieve, or find.
So when the day comes that it feels most like you will never move beyond where you are right now, please remember how far you have walked, and through what. Please remember all of the times you were stuck and were sure you would never get out from under the crushing weight of your own disappointment and defeat. Please remember all of the times you were truly heartbroken, truly let down.
Then remember all of the nights you dreamed of being where you are right now. The days you spent working and planning and hoping that it would all work out. In one way or another, a path was made where it did not exist before. The opportunities showed up. The doors creaked open. You met the people who you’d spend years of your life with, people who were once strangers.
You discovered things about yourself you did not yet know. You learned what it takes to feel safe, and not. You learned what you enjoy, and what you don’t. You learned what you value, and what you don’t. You learned, because you discovered, the honest truth of who you are and who you’re going to be.
You found yourself, not because you were searching, but because you were cornered. When discomfort in life peaks, we are left to look around and wonder why. Through that reflection, we discover all the pieces that are out of place, and then we find the courage to put them back together.
You will move the pieces in front of you today.
You will arrive to the horizon you’re gazing at in due time.
Instead of fearing that the road will fall out from under you, return to what life has shown you: that things can be scary, but that a way is always made. That even if you don’t believe you’re worthy, you’re always given enough. That even if you don’t believe you’re lovable, you’re always loved. That even if you don’t think there’s a way forward, there always is.
When it feels most like nothing will ever give and the mountain ahead of you won’t ever be scaled, remember how you crossed every one that’s behind you: one step, one hour, one moment, one glimmer of hope at a time.


thoughtcatalog--2020-09-24--“What’s Your Favorite Part About Being Gay?”: I Asked 30 Lesbians And Here’s What They Had To Say

Being a lesbian can be so fun .
If we focus exclusively on the positives here and not think about how dangerous it can be , it ’ s one of my favorite things to be .
I wanted to know what other wlw felt about being wlw , so I decided to conduct a study .
My target audience was all of my friends who identified as a lesbian or felt comfortable being referred to as a lesbian in a group , regardless of their gender identity .
I started by putting a small sample size of 17 lesbians @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to text me their favorite thing about being gay .
The conversation erupted immediately and soon these 17 lesbian strangers were firing off pictures of Dakota Johnson and Zendaya in suits .
Once I saw that they had a lot to say , I took it even wider .
I ended up asking 30 lesbians what their favorite thing about being gay is , and this is what they said : 1 .
“ My favorite thing about being gay is you always have a strong connection with new gay people you meet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , you get me.
’ Honorable mentionables include a larger closet , someone to do my eyebrows , and boobs.
” — Dalia , 26 , my girlfriend 2 .
“ How you never have to ask a girl ‘ what ’ s on your mind ’ because women will just tell you every thought they ever had or thought about having.
” — Jess , 25 , high school bestie ( also first queer friend ! )
3 .
“ I love when I see another maybe-gay in public and we both @ @ @ @ @ @ @ other ones ’ attention to make a silent connection .
It ’ s like when dogs see other dogs and they get really excited.
” — Dilean , 22 , co-worker 4 .
“ I love the connection and sense of community .
Like if you meet someone else that ’ s gay you already understand a lot of each other ’ s experiences and it ’ s just funny how similar a lot of gay people are growing up or just living life .
Also tiddies “ — Rachel O. , 22 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I feel like I can be myself ?
Idk how to answer the question.
” — Charlotte , 21 , my cousin 6 .
“ My favorite part about being gay is that my being out lead to my ability to meet so many amazing people and make a ton of friends .
I wouldn ’ t be friends with half the people I ’ m friends with now if I wasn ’ t proudly out.
” — Rachel B. , 24 , my girlfriend used to work with her and then @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 7 .
“ Having something that easily allows me to connect with others and bond over .
I have made many amazing friendships and connections through the LGBTQ+ web around the world .
Also , it has allowed me to experience the world in a different light than I otherwise would ( for better or worse ) .
” — Emma , 24 , Rachel B.
’ s girlfriend who sits in the stands with me at lesbian basketball league games 8 .
“ I think my favorite part of being gay is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be an original .
Unfortunately , it ’ s not a very common thing yet to be gay , and we ’ re still at a place in society where being gay is often talked about as someone ’ s defining trait and not just a small part of them , so it ’ s not always a happy thing , but it does give me the opportunity to be a little different in any way that I want , and I think that ’ s pretty cool.
” — Lea , 24 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 9 .
“ During my peak experiences of comp het , thoughts of relationship expectations ( ex .
Having to carry a baby/attempt a biological pregnancy with a husband , needing to stay young/cute/fit to appease a husband/bf , sex having to include penetration , shaving , having to fulfill certain home roles , etc . )
was especially anxiety-inducing , because parts of me knew I didn ’ t want those .
After coming out and living my truth so many things lifted for me .
Like it was the first time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ diet or drastically trying to change some part of my body , or having so much stress before a first date , because so many of those societal pressures just don ’ t apply to a wlw relationship.
” — Dom O. , 25 , college friend 10 .
“ Probably the high possibility of doubling my wardrobe , but I ’ m sure that ’ s a popular answer .
Another answer = dual income no kids disposable income possibilities ” — Amy .
38 , my next-door neighbor 11 .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , we were both performing at the same comedy open mic 12 .
“ Probably fuckin ’ girls is my # 1.
” — Kelly , 22 , dating above lesbian , also met at a comedy open mic 13 .
“ I have two favorite things about being queer !
“ 1 .
My family is Italian , so I grew up really internalizing messages about a man ’ s role and a woman ’ s role .
I ’ ve spent a lot of time thinking about this , and ultimately… @ @ @ @ @ @ @ roles .
I like to nurture .
I like to take care of my home .
It makes me happy to do that stuff for the person I love .
My partner is much more butch and does like to gravitate toward more traditionally ‘ manly ’ roles .
Of course , we stray from that here and there , but usually , we follow a predictable trajectory .
But what I like about being queer , is that I know , without a shadow of a doubt , that we are CHOOSING @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on what works for us and what we ’ re comfortable with , after exploring what we wanted , not based on what society dictates we do .
In a straight relationship , I think I ’ d always wonder if certain roles were *expected* of me .
I am grateful every day that I don ’ t have to wonder about that .
“ 2 .
The orgasms.
” — Veronica , 31 , former boss and current mentor 14 .
“ It ’ s doing whatever the fuck you want .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ any preconceived limits on gender expression or literally any other societal expectations on yourself , your interests , your wedding , your partner… completely breaking out of the box .
And boobs of course.
” — Taylor , 31 , Veronica ’ s partner 15 .
“ My fave thing about being gay is our ability to take anything and make it lesbian/queer/gay/sapphic culture .
Sitting weird ?
Gay .
Cuffing your clothes ?
Gay .
Wanting to own a farm ?
Queer as fuck .
Patterned button-downs ?
Lesbiiiiannnn .
Cate Blanchett @ @ @ @ @ @ @ now.
” — Kendra , 31 , former coworker and current editor 16 .
“ One of my favorite about being a lesbian is the constant understanding of what the other person is going through .
If that means how society looks at us or just how we process our daily lives .
Communication is a key portion of what I expect in a relationship and I ’ m thrilled to have a partner that finds this just as valuable .
Also , a double wardrobe is an awesome perk !
“ — @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The L Word ’ Trivia 17 .
“ Okay I would say what I love about being a lesbian is two different things .
“ So one would be of course that I think the intimacy between two women is so different and I truly don ’ t feel I could ever be fully seen and known by a man .
Like men and women are socialized so differently that we have such extremely different life experiences .
So the shared knowing between women is unbelievable to me .
“ And then the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ based on how fucked up and homophobic our society is ) is actually coming out older .
As much trauma as it is , and I wish I had had the tools and understanding to know who I was and had different experiences , I actually kind of love having come out later because I have gotten to have the moments of like ‘ holy shit this is what it ’ s supposed to feel like ?
’ Sometimes I will be having sex with a woman and be like ‘ holy shit @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this !
!
!
’ ” — Abby W. , 25 , met on Instagram because she was running a meme page and I had a lesbian podcast 18 .
“ I ’ d have to say my favorite thing about being gay is knowing that I will literally always have at least five mutual connections with anyone I go on a date with.
” — Casey , 23 , met on social media somehow 19 .
“ I ’ d say my favorite part if I really had to pick would be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ something so vital about gay sex .
Like all the times the world has told you that being gay is wrong , we ’ ve all heard it wherever it came from , that we ’ re probably going to hell for it , and then to feel something so strongly you literally can ’ t help but do it regardless and in defiance of all that bullshit is so powerful for me .
Plus , lesbian sex rocks .
It ’ s the best thing ever .
It ’ s all about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ meaningful in that give and take.
” — Shannon , 28 , writer friend 21 .
“ The best part about being gay is being in a relationship free of societal norms and expectations .
We ’ re both free to be whoever we are .
I ’ ve dated men before and there was always the expectation on me as a woman to fit into the box of whatever he thought a woman was .
I never felt like I was enough – not submissive enough , not pretty enough , not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ too much — too outspoken , too sexual , too emotional .
I ’ ve been able to find someone who loves and encourages me to be all of me once I stopped dating men .
Also , boobs.
” — Olivia , 23 , met in Greek Life , reconnected after being gay on social media 22 .
“ My favorite thing about being gay is the magical energy that draws me to other gay people and draws other gay people to me .
I know we like to joke about it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about gay magnetism for me .
I know whatever space I ’ m in I ’ ll be able to find support and support others , and that feels like a gift.
” — Abby , 20 , my brother ’ s girlfriend ’ s sister 23 .
“ My favorite thing is that we have a subculture that ’ s influenced by a ton of other cultures that ’ s unique to how we walk through the world.
” — Dom P. , 26 , met on social media somehow 24 .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ deeper appreciation for all womanhood and being removed from men has given me an objectively deeper understanding of feminism.
” — Sarah , 28 , Dom P. ’ s wife 25 .
“ What I love most about being gay is the badass awesome community it brings together !
I love the connection , I love the happiness , I love that you know for a fact each and every one of us has a different story but we can all relate in some sort of way .
Idk I love all of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Especially Kelsey ’ s. ” — Mariah , 26 , high school acquaintance , reconnected after being gay on social media 26 .
“ My favorite thing about being gay is there is no set of strict rules or pressure a relationship must follow .
You and your partner are allowed to decide what ’ s right for your relationship .
There is so much more freedom in a wlw community !
Also , the knowledge of basic grooming and not smelling like Axe Body Spray and moldy Monster Energy is a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Mariah ’ s girlfriend 27 .
“ The best part about being a lesbian is finding empowerment within myself and other women on a deeper level that kind of breaks the standards of heteronormativity .
I think we are always taught that women somehow need a man in their life in some shape or form .
Knowing not only that I ’ m independent but that I also broke free from these compulsory heteronormative standards makes me feel empowered .
I am happier than ever and love inspiring other queer women to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ normal.
’ ” — Allison , 22 , sorority sister 28 .
“ I learned that the way I see women ’ s bodies is probably how other people see my body .
Which is beautiful even if I feel bloated .
It taught me to love myself ” — Hayley , 25 , sorority sister 29 .
“ Sharing a look with another queer woman in public where you just *know* the other one is gay.
” — Abby S. , 25 , lived two doors down in my freshman dorm 30 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ favorite part about being gay is just having a girlfriend ?
Like , I love her .
That ’ s my favorite part.
” — Ayana , 25 , Abby S. ’ s girlfriend , met in freshman dorm and had Honors Human Sexuality class together My favorite thing about being a lesbian you ask ?
Being able to put 17 random lesbians in a groupchat and watch them immediately make friends with each other .

Being a lesbian can be so fun.
If we focus exclusively on the positives here and not think about how dangerous it can be, it’s one of my favorite things to be. I wanted to know what other wlw felt about being wlw, so I decided to conduct a study. My target audience was all of my friends who identified as a lesbian or felt comfortable being referred to as a lesbian in a group, regardless of their gender identity. I started by putting a small sample size of 17 lesbians in one group and asked them all to text me their favorite thing about being gay. The conversation erupted immediately and soon these 17 lesbian strangers were firing off pictures of Dakota Johnson and Zendaya in suits.
Once I saw that they had a lot to say, I took it even wider. I ended up asking 30 lesbians what their favorite thing about being gay is, and this is what they said:
1. “My favorite thing about being gay is you always have a strong connection with new gay people you meet because you’re like ‘wow, you get me.’ Honorable mentionables include a larger closet, someone to do my eyebrows, and boobs.” — Dalia, 26, my girlfriend
2. “How you never have to ask a girl ‘what’s on your mind’ because women will just tell you every thought they ever had or thought about having.” — Jess, 25, high school bestie (also first queer friend!)
3. “I love when I see another maybe-gay in public and we both try to act gayer to get the other ones’ attention to make a silent connection. It’s like when dogs see other dogs and they get really excited.” — Dilean, 22, co-worker
4. “I love the connection and sense of community. Like if you meet someone else that’s gay you already understand a lot of each other’s experiences and it’s just funny how similar a lot of gay people are growing up or just living life. Also tiddies“ — Rachel O., 22, Dilean’s girlfriend
5. “I feel like I can be myself? Idk how to answer the question.” — Charlotte, 21, my cousin
6. “My favorite part about being gay is that my being out lead to my ability to meet so many amazing people and make a ton of friends. I wouldn’t be friends with half the people I’m friends with now if I wasn’t proudly out.” — Rachel B., 24, my girlfriend used to work with her and then they joined a lesbian basketball league together
7. “Having something that easily allows me to connect with others and bond over. I have made many amazing friendships and connections through the LGBTQ+ web around the world. Also, it has allowed me to experience the world in a different light than I otherwise would (for better or worse).” — Emma, 24, Rachel B.’s girlfriend who sits in the stands with me at lesbian basketball league games
8. “I think my favorite part of being gay is that it gives me the chance to be an original. Unfortunately, it’s not a very common thing yet to be gay, and we’re still at a place in society where being gay is often talked about as someone’s defining trait and not just a small part of them, so it’s not always a happy thing, but it does give me the opportunity to be a little different in any way that I want, and I think that’s pretty cool.” — Lea, 24, Rachel B.’s college roommate
9. “During my peak experiences of comp het, thoughts of relationship expectations (ex. Having to carry a baby/attempt a biological pregnancy with a husband, needing to stay young/cute/fit to appease a husband/bf, sex having to include penetration, shaving, having to fulfill certain home roles, etc.) was especially anxiety-inducing, because parts of me knew I didn’t want those. After coming out and living my truth so many things lifted for me. Like it was the first time ever I wasn’t on a diet or drastically trying to change some part of my body, or having so much stress before a first date, because so many of those societal pressures just don’t apply to a wlw relationship.” — Dom O., 25, college friend
10. “Probably the high possibility of doubling my wardrobe, but I’m sure that’s a popular answer. Another answer = dual income no kids disposable income possibilities” — Amy. 38, my next-door neighbor
11. “The style.” — Anonymous, 23, we were both performing at the same comedy open mic
12. “Probably fuckin’ girls is my #1.” — Kelly, 22, dating above lesbian, also met at a comedy open mic
13. “I have two favorite things about being queer!
“1. My family is Italian, so I grew up really internalizing messages about a man’s role and a woman’s role. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this, and ultimately… I DO prefer traditionally feminine and domestic roles. I like to nurture. I like to take care of my home. It makes me happy to do that stuff for the person I love. My partner is much more butch and does like to gravitate toward more traditionally ‘manly’ roles. Of course, we stray from that here and there, but usually, we follow a predictable trajectory. But what I like about being queer, is that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we are CHOOSING it. We created a relationship based on what works for us and what we’re comfortable with, after exploring what we wanted, not based on what society dictates we do. In a straight relationship, I think I’d always wonder if certain roles were *expected* of me. I am grateful every day that I don’t have to wonder about that.
“2. The orgasms.” — Veronica, 31, former boss and current mentor
14. “It’s doing whatever the fuck you want. Don’t have to live by any preconceived limits on gender expression or literally any other societal expectations on yourself, your interests, your wedding, your partner… completely breaking out of the box. And boobs of course.” — Taylor, 31, Veronica’s partner
15. “My fave thing about being gay is our ability to take anything and make it lesbian/queer/gay/sapphic culture. Sitting weird? Gay. Cuffing your clothes? Gay. Wanting to own a farm? Queer as fuck. Patterned button-downs? Lesbiiiiannnn. Cate Blanchett? Nope sorry she’s ours now.” — Kendra, 31, former coworker and current editor
16. “One of my favorite about being a lesbian is the constant understanding of what the other person is going through. If that means how society looks at us or just how we process our daily lives. Communication is a key portion of what I expect in a relationship and I’m thrilled to have a partner that finds this just as valuable. Also, a double wardrobe is an awesome perk!“ — Liz, 25, met at ‘The L Word’ Trivia
17. “Okay I would say what I love about being a lesbian is two different things.
“So one would be of course that I think the intimacy between two women is so different and I truly don’t feel I could ever be fully seen and known by a man. Like men and women are socialized so differently that we have such extremely different life experiences. So the shared knowing between women is unbelievable to me.
“And then the other thing (which is kind of based on how fucked up and homophobic our society is) is actually coming out older. As much trauma as it is, and I wish I had had the tools and understanding to know who I was and had different experiences, I actually kind of love having come out later because I have gotten to have the moments of like ‘holy shit this is what it’s supposed to feel like?’ Sometimes I will be having sex with a woman and be like ‘holy shit I cannot believe I almost missed this!!!’” — Abby W., 25, met on Instagram because she was running a meme page and I had a lesbian podcast
18. “I’d have to say my favorite thing about being gay is knowing that I will literally always have at least five mutual connections with anyone I go on a date with.” — Casey, 23, met on social media somehow
19. “I’d say my favorite part if I really had to pick would be the sex. There’s just something so vital about gay sex. Like all the times the world has told you that being gay is wrong, we’ve all heard it wherever it came from, that we’re probably going to hell for it, and then to feel something so strongly you literally can’t help but do it regardless and in defiance of all that bullshit is so powerful for me. Plus, lesbian sex rocks. It’s the best thing ever. It’s all about pleasure and there’s something really meaningful in that give and take.” — Shannon, 28, writer friend
20. “It’s girls’ night every night.” — Emily, 29, Shannon’s wife
21. “The best part about being gay is being in a relationship free of societal norms and expectations. We’re both free to be whoever we are. I’ve dated men before and there was always the expectation on me as a woman to fit into the box of whatever he thought a woman was. I never felt like I was enough – not submissive enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough. Or like I was too much — too outspoken, too sexual, too emotional. I’ve been able to find someone who loves and encourages me to be all of me once I stopped dating men. Also, boobs.” — Olivia, 23, met in Greek Life, reconnected after being gay on social media
22. “My favorite thing about being gay is the magical energy that draws me to other gay people and draws other gay people to me. I know we like to joke about it, but there’s something spiritual about gay magnetism for me. I know whatever space I’m in I’ll be able to find support and support others, and that feels like a gift.” — Abby, 20, my brother’s girlfriend’s sister
23. “My favorite thing is that we have a subculture that’s influenced by a ton of other cultures that’s unique to how we walk through the world.” — Dom P., 26, met on social media somehow
24. “It’s given me a deeper appreciation for all womanhood and being removed from men has given me an objectively deeper understanding of feminism.” — Sarah, 28, Dom P.’s wife
25. “What I love most about being gay is the badass awesome community it brings together! I love the connection, I love the happiness, I love that you know for a fact each and every one of us has a different story but we can all relate in some sort of way. Idk I love all of it man. But mostly the boobs. Especially Kelsey’s.” — Mariah, 26, high school acquaintance, reconnected after being gay on social media
26. “My favorite thing about being gay is there is no set of strict rules or pressure a relationship must follow. You and your partner are allowed to decide what’s right for your relationship. There is so much more freedom in a wlw community! Also, the knowledge of basic grooming and not smelling like Axe Body Spray and moldy Monster Energy is a plus!” — Kelsey, 27, Mariah’s girlfriend
27. “The best part about being a lesbian is finding empowerment within myself and other women on a deeper level that kind of breaks the standards of heteronormativity. I think we are always taught that women somehow need a man in their life in some shape or form. Knowing not only that I’m independent but that I also broke free from these compulsory heteronormative standards makes me feel empowered. I am happier than ever and love inspiring other queer women to explore themselves and to push the ‘normal.’” — Allison, 22, sorority sister
28. “I learned that the way I see women’s bodies is probably how other people see my body. Which is beautiful even if I feel bloated. It taught me to love myself” — Hayley, 25, sorority sister
29. “Sharing a look with another queer woman in public where you just *know* the other one is gay.” — Abby S., 25, lived two doors down in my freshman dorm
30. “Is it lame that my favorite part about being gay is just having a girlfriend? Like, I love her. That’s my favorite part.” — Ayana, 25, Abby S.’s girlfriend, met in freshman dorm and had Honors Human Sexuality class together
My favorite thing about being a lesbian you ask? Being able to put 17 random lesbians in a groupchat and watch them immediately make friends with each other.
Oh, and boobs.