thoughtcatalog--2020-08-20--5 Signs You’re Not Going To Marry Him Even Though You’ve Been Together Forever

1 .
He refuses to take the next step with you .
Maybe you ’ ve been bugging them about moving in together or proposing or having babies — and they haven ’ t been budging .
Everyone moves at their own pace and you have to respect your partner ’ s choices , but if you ’ ve been together for years and they don ’ t seem interested in any of the things you want , it ’ s a red flag .
If they ’ re not ready now , they should at least be willing to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Maybe their procrastination is actually a sign you aren ’ t on the same page after all .
Maybe they ’ re not waiting to take the next step with you .
Maybe they don ’ t want to take it at all .
2 .
You keep coming close to breaking up — and then staying together anyway .
Every couple has arguments .
Every couple goes through rough patches .
But if you keep coming close to a breakup ( or actually break up and then get back together again @ @ @ @ @ @ @ yourself what ’ s going on .
If you want to be together , you should work through your problems instead of calling it quits .
You shouldn ’ t be having the same problems over and over again , either .
If you ’ re repeating fights every few months , that means you never solved the initial problem .
Either come to a compromise or leave for real this time .
3 .
You ’ re only together because of your long , elaborate history .
If you have your heart @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , then you probably won ’ t want to walk away from a serious relationship .
After all , you ’ re this close to settling down permanently .
Why would you want to start dating someone new and go back to square one ?
However , this mindset can be dangerous .
You shouldn ’ t stay with someone , simply because you have a history .
Besides , are you really closer to marriage with them ?
If they aren ’ t interested in settling down now , they might never @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time with them .
You might be better off breaking up so you can find your real forever person .
4 .
You ’ re too different .
Opposites attract , but you don ’ t want to stay with someone who has a completely different set of morals and goals for the future .
If they want to be living abroad in five years and you want to stay in your hometown , it ’ s a problem .
If they want to have babies and you aren ’ t interested in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a problem .
It ’ s fine to date someone with different plans for the future than you , but marrying them is another story .
You need to want the same things if you ’ re going to stay together forever .
Otherwise , you ’ re only setting yourselves up for disappointment .
5 .
You ’ re not interested in settling down yet .
Maybe you ’ re the one who isn ’ t interested in marriage .
Maybe you love this person but feel like you haven ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you want to date more people .
Maybe you want to be single for a while .
Maybe you want to try new things — and that ’ s okay .
Just because you love someone doesn ’ t mean you ’ re meant to marry them .
Marriage requires a whole lot more than just feelings .

1. He refuses to take the next step with you. Maybe you’ve been bugging them about moving in together or proposing or having babies — and they haven’t been budging. Everyone moves at their own pace and you have to respect your partner’s choices, but if you’ve been together for years and they don’t seem interested in any of the things you want, it’s a red flag. If they’re not ready now, they should at least be willing to tell you when they will be ready. Maybe their procrastination is actually a sign you aren’t on the same page after all. Maybe they’re not waiting to take the next step with you. Maybe they don’t want to take it at all.
2. You keep coming close to breaking up — and then staying together anyway. Every couple has arguments. Every couple goes through rough patches. But if you keep coming close to a breakup (or actually break up and then get back together again), then you have to ask yourself what’s going on. If you want to be together, you should work through your problems instead of calling it quits. You shouldn’t be having the same problems over and over again, either. If you’re repeating fights every few months, that means you never solved the initial problem. Either come to a compromise or leave for real this time.
3. You’re only together because of your long, elaborate history. If you have your heart set on having a husband and kids, then you probably won’t want to walk away from a serious relationship. After all, you’re this close to settling down permanently. Why would you want to start dating someone new and go back to square one? However, this mindset can be dangerous. You shouldn’t stay with someone, simply because you have a history. Besides, are you really closer to marriage with them? If they aren’t interested in settling down now, they might never be. You might be wasting more time with them. You might be better off breaking up so you can find your real forever person.
4. You’re too different. Opposites attract, but you don’t want to stay with someone who has a completely different set of morals and goals for the future. If they want to be living abroad in five years and you want to stay in your hometown, it’s a problem. If they want to have babies and you aren’t interested in becoming a parent, it’s a problem. It’s fine to date someone with different plans for the future than you, but marrying them is another story. You need to want the same things if you’re going to stay together forever. Otherwise, you’re only setting yourselves up for disappointment.
5. You’re not interested in settling down yet. Maybe you’re the one who isn’t interested in marriage. Maybe you love this person but feel like you haven’t gotten enough life experience yet. Maybe you want to date more people. Maybe you want to be single for a while. Maybe you want to try new things — and that’s okay. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you’re meant to marry them. Marriage requires a whole lot more than just feelings.


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-20--Don’t Let Your Baggage Destroy Your Soft Heart

It ’ s hard to bounce back after getting hurt .
It ’ s hard to look at the world with the same set of rose-colored glasses you used to wear when you were young and unbreakable .
Once your heart gets shattered , you lose your innocence .
Your cynical side comes out .
You start doubting everyone around you .
You start questioning their intentions .
After getting your heart broken , it ’ s hard to open yourself up again .
It ’ s hard to trust other people even if they haven ’ t done anything @ @ @ @ @ @ @ treat you , a part of you expects to get hurt again .
You ’ re always waiting for their true self to come out , for them to show you their dark side , their mean side .
You can not allow your baggage to destroy your soft heart .
You can not walk around assuming the world is out to get you .
One bad experience with love shouldn ’ t cause you to give up hope of finding your happily ever after .
One toxic person shouldn ’ t convince @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is going to behave in the same way .
You ’ re allowed to take a while to heal .
You ’ re allowed to spend some time with yourself while you relearn how to trust other people .
You ’ re allowed to have a rough time processing what was done to you — and figuring out how to come out of the situation stronger .
But you don ’ t want to hide yourself away forever .
You don ’ t want to lock up your heart and throw away the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ real , unconditional love feels like .
You deserve to be bursting at the seams with happiness .
You deserve to find someone who would never hurt you the way you ’ ve been hurt in the past .
It ’ s not going to be easy to get back in the dating world .
It ’ s not going to be easy to push aside your fears .
It ’ s not going to be easy to open your heart to someone after it ’ s been so brutally torn apart in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t want your last relationship to ruin your love life forever .
You don ’ t want to give them that much power over you .
You don ’ t want to let them win .
Just because they weren ’ t able to love you doesn ’ t mean you ’ re unlovable .
It doesn ’ t mean you need to spend the rest of your life alone .
The idea of getting into a new relationship right now might be scary , but you don ’ t have to move @ @ @ @ @ @ @ own pace .
You can do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable .
Just don ’ t swear off of love after one bad experience .
Don ’ t close off your heart when all you want is to be loved right .
When you find someone worth the effort , take the leap .
Don ’ t let your baggage weigh you down .
Everyone has been through hardships .
Everyone has had their heart broken .
No one is going to think less of you after learning what you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t matter .
It ’ s whether or not you bounce back that matters .

It’s hard to bounce back after getting hurt. It’s hard to look at the world with the same set of rose-colored glasses you used to wear when you were young and unbreakable.
Once your heart gets shattered, you lose your innocence. Your cynical side comes out. You start doubting everyone around you. You start questioning their intentions.
After getting your heart broken, it’s hard to open yourself up again. It’s hard to trust other people even if they haven’t done anything wrong. No matter how well they treat you, a part of you expects to get hurt again. You’re always waiting for their true self to come out, for them to show you their dark side, their mean side.
You cannot allow your baggage to destroy your soft heart. You cannot walk around assuming the world is out to get you. One bad experience with love shouldn’t cause you to give up hope of finding your happily ever after. One toxic person shouldn’t convince you that every other person you meet is going to behave in the same way.
You’re allowed to take a while to heal. You’re allowed to spend some time with yourself while you relearn how to trust other people. You’re allowed to have a rough time processing what was done to you — and figuring out how to come out of the situation stronger.
But you don’t want to hide yourself away forever. You don’t want to lock up your heart and throw away the key. You deserve to know what real, unconditional love feels like. You deserve to be bursting at the seams with happiness. You deserve to find someone who would never hurt you the way you’ve been hurt in the past.
It’s not going to be easy to get back in the dating world. It’s not going to be easy to push aside your fears. It’s not going to be easy to open your heart to someone after it’s been so brutally torn apart in the past.
But you don’t want your last relationship to ruin your love life forever. You don’t want to give them that much power over you. You don’t want to let them win. Just because they weren’t able to love you doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. It doesn’t mean you need to spend the rest of your life alone.
The idea of getting into a new relationship right now might be scary, but you don’t have to move too fast. You can set your own pace. You can do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable. Just don’t swear off of love after one bad experience. Don’t close off your heart when all you want is to be loved right.
When you find someone worth the effort, take the leap. Don’t let your baggage weigh you down. Everyone has been through hardships. Everyone has had their heart broken. No one is going to think less of you after learning what you’ve gone through. Your past doesn’t matter. It’s whether or not you bounce back that matters.


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-20--The Lie Each Zodiac Sign Believes That Is Hurting Their Chance At Love

You believe every relationship is bound to end in flames .
You believe letting someone into your heart is going to end in pain .
But not everyone is going to hurt you .
Some people actually have good intentions .
You believe there ’ s only one person in this world for you — but that ’ s not true .
You can have multiple soulmates throughout your lifetime .
Even if you were in love before , you can fall in love again .
You believe you can only have a relationship or a career .
But you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out the time to get close to someone while still having enough time to chase after your dreams .
You don ’ t have to choose one path over the other .
You believe love s all you need .
But , really , you need so much more than that .
You need respect .
You need open communication .
You need a strong friendship .
You need to like each other , not just love each other .
You believe you need to be perfect in order to be loved .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ showing your partners the real you .
But the right person will see your flaws and still love you .
You shouldn ’ t have to hide anything from them .
You believe you can change someone ’ s mind about you .
But it doesn ’ t matter what you do .
It doesn ’ t matter how hard you try to convince them you ’ re worth the effort .
You can ’ t force them to love you .
You can ’ t control their heart .
You believe in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it ’ ll be obvious when you find your match .
But sometimes , first impressions give you the wrong idea .
You shouldn ’ t write someone off , simply because you didn ’ t feel butterflies the first second you locked eyes .
You believe every relationship is going to end like your last relationship .
But history doesn ’ t have to repeat itself .
As long as you pick the right person , you won ’ t end up reliving your past .
You believe jealousy is a sign @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the time , jealousy is actually a red flag .
You don ’ t want someone to tell you what you ’ re allowed to wear or who you ’ re allowed to text .
You don ’ t want them to be overly controlling .
You believe you ’ re better off on your own .
But you aren ’ t giving yourself enough credit .
You would be an amazing partner .
And as much as you want to pretend you don ’ t need anyone , you would love @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cuddle .
You believe love is a feeling .
But love is a choice .
You have to choose to stick with someone .
You have to choose to put in effort .
You have to choose to keep loving them even when it ’ s hard .
You believe fights are a bad sign .
But really , every couple fights .
As long as you ’ re treating each other respectfully , it ’ s good for you to get your feelings out in the open .
It ’ s good @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Aries
You believe every relationship is bound to end in flames. You believe letting someone into your heart is going to end in pain. But not everyone is going to hurt you. Some people actually have good intentions.
Taurus
You believe there’s only one person in this world for you — but that’s not true. You can have multiple soulmates throughout your lifetime. Even if you were in love before, you can fall in love again.
Gemini
You believe you can only have a relationship or a career. But you can have both. You can carve out the time to get close to someone while still having enough time to chase after your dreams. You don’t have to choose one path over the other.
Cancer
You believe love s all you need. But, really, you need so much more than that. You need respect. You need open communication. You need a strong friendship. You need to like each other, not just love each other.
For the person who is always googling astrological compatibility when they meet someone new. How You’ll Do Everything Based On Your Zodiac Sign includes an exhaustive analysis of each sign’s personality. You’ll learn which high school clique represents them (Pisces are the cool art kids), who would get eaten first in a scary movie (Gemini, obviously) to how each sign prefers to say ‘I love you’ (for Taurus, it’s with good food). Alternating between silly, sweet, and serious, this book is filled with deep dives into the mind of everyone whose birth chart you can get your hands on. Buy now
Leo
You believe you need to be perfect in order to be loved. You put on an act instead of showing your partners the real you. But the right person will see your flaws and still love you. You shouldn’t have to hide anything from them.
Virgo
You believe you can change someone’s mind about you. But it doesn’t matter what you do. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to convince them you’re worth the effort. You can’t force them to love you. You can’t control their heart.
Libra
You believe in love at first sight. You assume it’ll be obvious when you find your match. But sometimes, first impressions give you the wrong idea. You shouldn’t write someone off, simply because you didn’t feel butterflies the first second you locked eyes.
Scorpio
You believe every relationship is going to end like your last relationship. But history doesn’t have to repeat itself. As long as you pick the right person, you won’t end up reliving your past.
Sagittarius
You believe jealousy is a sign someone cares about you. But most of the time, jealousy is actually a red flag. You don’t want someone to tell you what you’re allowed to wear or who you’re allowed to text. You don’t want them to be overly controlling.
Capricorn
You believe you’re better off on your own. But you aren’t giving yourself enough credit. You would be an amazing partner. And as much as you want to pretend you don’t need anyone, you would love to have someone around to kiss and cuddle.
Aquarius
You believe love is a feeling. But love is a choice. You have to choose to stick with someone. You have to choose to put in effort. You have to choose to keep loving them even when it’s hard.
Pisces
You believe fights are a bad sign. But really, every couple fights. As long as you’re treating each other respectfully, it’s good for you to get your feelings out in the open. It’s good that you can talk to them.


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-21--How Each Zodiac Sign Is Secretly A Kid At Heart

Your favorite types of books to read are YA — and all your favorite music is the music you listened to when you were younger .
Disney is your favorite place on the planet .
There ’ s nowhere else you would rather be .
You hate dinner dates .
You would rather go to a trampoline park or bowling alley or mini-golf course .
You still watch cartoons .
You feel comforted by them .
You aren ’ t a big fan of alcohol , and when you go out to eat , you prefer ordering off the kid @ @ @ @ @ @ @ better with kids than people your age .
You would rather run around with them at parties than small talk with adults .
Your room is filled with stuffed animals .
You still collect any cute ones you see .
You love board games , puzzles , and crafting .
Whether you ’ re making bracelets or painting , you ’ re happy .
You still have your parents set appointments for you .
And you talk to them pretty much every day .
You prefer being outdoors .
You love playing in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ see kid movies in theaters .
You get more excited about them than the kids .
When you want to celebrate , you treat yourself by going to get ice cream or McDonald ’ s .

Aries
Your favorite types of books to read are YA — and all your favorite music is the music you listened to when you were younger.
Taurus
Disney is your favorite place on the planet. There’s nowhere else you would rather be.
Gemini
You hate dinner dates. You would rather go to a trampoline park or bowling alley or mini-golf course.
Cancer
You still watch cartoons. You feel comforted by them.
For the person who is always googling astrological compatibility when they meet someone new. How You’ll Do Everything Based On Your Zodiac Sign includes an exhaustive analysis of each sign’s personality. You’ll learn which high school clique represents them (Pisces are the cool art kids), who would get eaten first in a scary movie (Gemini, obviously) to how each sign prefers to say ‘I love you’ (for Taurus, it’s with good food). Alternating between silly, sweet, and serious, this book is filled with deep dives into the mind of everyone whose birth chart you can get your hands on. Buy now
Leo
You aren’t a big fan of alcohol, and when you go out to eat, you prefer ordering off the kid’s menu.
Virgo
You get along better with kids than people your age. You would rather run around with them at parties than small talk with adults.
Libra
Your room is filled with stuffed animals. You still collect any cute ones you see.
Scorpio
You love board games, puzzles, and crafting. Whether you’re making bracelets or painting, you’re happy.
Sagittarius
You still have your parents set appointments for you. And you talk to them pretty much every day.
Capricorn
You prefer being outdoors. You love playing in the sand and snow.
Aquarius
You still see kid movies in theaters. You get more excited about them than the kids.
Pisces
When you want to celebrate, you treat yourself by going to get ice cream or McDonald’s.


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-21--30 Unsolved Mysteries From The Early Days Of The Internet

1 .
I remember that extremely creepy video of a young guy with longish hair and a very unique way of speaking ( I think it was a combination of accent and speech impediment ) talking about grave robbing and how to prep the remains for sale .
I remember specifically him going into great detail into how to properly clean out the skulls so they wouldn ’ t rattle when you shook them .
Nobody ever came up with an identity , location , or even a solid answer for who was buying the human remains or why .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ able to stop thinking about it for a long time , because last year a man where I live was arrested for doing the exact same thing .
He was digging up graves , taking the remains , and methodically cleaning them for sale .
Sale to who ?
?
For what reason ?
?
It literally drives me insane .
2 .
A young girl went missing or was killed in a certain area and as time passes , on Youtube an old white guy titled the anniversary of that girl ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the camera and is just laughing menacing for quite a while before the video ends with him smiling .
3 .
There was a multitude of killers who have posted on 4Chan one who asked the question “ What does /b/ keep in the freezer ?
” they then proceeded to post pictures of body parts with timestamps to prove its authentication .
Another one was ( again 4Chan ) a guessing name of a missing person and provided a freebie which when guessed correctly lead to the co-ordinates of where the body @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Philip Taylor Kramer , the bass guitarist for Iron Butterfly who became a computer engineer .
He was said to have been working on data compression techniques and may have been assassinated , but his death was ruled a suicide .
The whole story ( and family ) are weird .
It made the rounds as a favorite early internet conspiracy and then… just disappeared .
5 .
What about the guy that tried to test his new gas mask and made chlorine gas , and it was absorbed into his skin , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
I somehow stumbled onto a very disturbing website called something like howtobeaserialkiller.com .
That ’ s not exactly the right URL , but it ’ s close .
I probably found it through Stileproject.com .
It was full of information that seemed like it might actually really help someone to get away with killing strangers .
I tried to show a friend what I had found a couple of weeks later and the site had been removed with a simple message remaining , “ How to be a serial killer has been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ interested in killing someone why don ’ t you start with yourself.
” I ’ d like to know what the hell inspired someone to create such a site and why did they decide to remove it .
7 .
There was a really old youtube video tutorial of this American hiker explaining how to use a compass while on top of some mountain .
At the end of the video , he ’ s like okay time to hike back down and he says , “ Now that you guys know how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get lost out there , ” and you see him walk downhill and the video cuts .
Someone commented ( probably jokingly ) that after that video : “ He was never seen again.
” Well , it turns out that was the last video he made and he actually was never seen again .
I have no idea whether he uploaded it live or went back home , uploaded it , and then went missing .
But the irony is that he went missing after giving a tutorial on how to use @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 8 .
The identity of Shiloh Dynasty and whether they ’ re still alive .
They just randomly popped up on the internet with a few clips of them singing uploaded to their vine and their Ig .
And these clips have been sampled multiple times to make hit songs by different producers and most notably from XXXtentacions album .
Yet it is unknown who Shiloh is , whether male or female , alive or dead .
9 .
There was this one billboard advertising this number and when you called , it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in a pattern .
People went over the words again and again , he always took a pause and took a breath and the same words every time .
If you look you could probably find a website , even a subreddit .
It was a weird story .
10 .
There used to be a huge conspiracy theory that Walt Disney ’ s head was frozen in ice .
Whenever you searched the keywords “ Disney ” “ Frozen ” , theories would show up .
By “ coincidence ” Disney makes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ search up those keywords anymore without being blocked by the movie .
11 .
The dude who found a nazi underground bunker in his garden .
Kept posting updates on how he was digging towards it and finding odd stuff , until the day before he was due to enter it .
Nothing after that if I remember correctly… 12 .
I remember watching a video of a man exploring the catacombs and out of nowhere he just drops the camera and begins to run .
13 .
Cicada 3301 a series of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that has been stuck at a roadblock for a couple of years now .
The current puzzle is called the Liber Primus and is 58 pages of Nordic runes , only 2 have been decoded in the past 6 years or so .
14 .
Smurf in Hand .
This guy was a Smurfs fan with sadistic and pedophiliac inclinations .
He went to a forum for the fans of the cartoon and made a long story that was pretty much just graphic torture porn featuring Smurf babies .
The pictures he drew @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , often scaring or harming the Smurfs .
It ’ s so horrific ( and still up on the forum ) that most people reading it wonder just what the hell this guy has done since .
Smurf In Hand has never been found .
No one knows where he is or what he now does for a living .
Given that he clearly wants to hurt babies , it ’ s quite possible he got a job caring for them… 15 .
The Most Mysterious Song on the Internet , I only @ @ @ @ @ @ @ series of videos made by Whang !
If you don ’ t know what the mystery is about , it ’ s about a song that is visible to the public , but no one knows who made the song , no one even knows the title of the song , this search started in 2007 , but wasn ’ t big until 2019 I think .
16 .
Back in 1993 , there was a page that had the full process of creating ecstasy .
Must have been written by a scientist @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 17 .
In the early days of the internet , there was a site which purported to show a massive submarine base being built in the middle of the Amazon – it was documented through a series of photos developed from a camera that had been found in the jungle .
The theory was that the camera had been thrown from an airplane that had flown over the base just prior to being shot down .
This is NOT a drug submarine base , but rather something else entirely – it was in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ far from any body of water , and the submarine itself was GIANT .
The conjecture was that the elite of the world knew something about coming cataclysmic floods that would envelop the planet and so had built themselves an escape submarine – an Ark – out there in the sticks .
I saw this site in the very , very early days of the web… it was one of the few sites to visit with the new web browsers of the time .
But try as I might I simply can not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , it has vanished and even the Internet Archive has no reference to it .
Was pretty interesting that ’ s for sure .
The sub looked huge and the pictures of it quite legitimate… 18 .
The woman who thought the government or someone was listening to her and spying on her in South Korea I think , that they were trying to control her I think too , and webcams were installed and you could watch her sleeping or on her computer .
And her door would be barricaded most of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all over the place .
I lost the bookmark to the link for the webcams years ago .
But I still think and wonder if she is ok and if the cams are still running .
19 .
There was this story of someone on Reddit who accidentally killed this special needs kid when he/she was a child .
They were with some friends bike riding I think and they accidentally watched as this kid fell off the mountain and died .
They told nobody but the posted about it on Reddit somewhere @ @ @ @ @ @ @ asking about the name of the kid who died as it seemed really similar to another story .
Then out of nowhere op deletes his whole ass account and everything with it after the reply .
20 .
Did Hugh Hefner really have a secret collection of sex videos of celebrities from his parties which his sons and lawyers gave back to them after Hugh died ?
And did they really find blueprints for tunnels to be built to James Caan ’ s , Beatty ’ s , and Nicholson ’ s house… @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stuff when your thinking of building tunnels .
21. Who is Satoshi Nakamoto ; inventor of Bitcoin ?
He disappeared shortly after its release and has never been heard of again .
He still has a $ 10 billion worth that is just sitting there untouched .
22 .
What about that guy that ’ s seen sprinting out of an airport with none of his luggage then is never seen again ?
23 .
During the golden age of the internet , I was in my early teens , I would type @ @ @ @ @ @ @ took me .
One time I typed WWW.Hell.com It was an extremely weird web site that eventually fucked up my shitty Packard Bell computer so badly that it was useless .
I wonder who made that web site .
I miss the old school internet .
It was very much like the dark web , but not as difficult to explore back then .
24 .
There was a simple Geocities type page with a blog about a guy who ’ d found a cave beneath his house and was exploring it .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ d encountered—probably 2002-3 .
Remember really fascinated by it and wondered if it was real .
25 .
There was a blogger named Rance in the early 2000s who was rumored to be a celebrity since his posts contained a lot of detail about other celebs .
At the time I think some people thought it was George Clooney , but whoever it was abruptly stopped posting .
26 .
One I remember is something along the lines of cutoffmyfeet.com .
I don ’ t think it ’ s still up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that a dude ’ s feet were paralyzed and he wanted to cut them off so he could get prosthetics .
I don ’ t remember much , there are probably better explanations out there .
27 .
R/thatevilfarminggame .
Essentially , a user on Reddit posted about a farming simulation game , however , there ’ s a twist where you kill your wife and have to cover it up .
No one is able to find it and some say the OP is misremembering details of the game .
Old Reddit @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the really old days ( before subreddits even I think ? )
died .
Their friend took over their Reddit account for a bit and let Reddit know .
Eventually , people noticed the user was linked to some site ( I think it was porn or something ) which in turn contained message logs .
These message logs were all pretty cryptic .
The logs eventually mentioned holding a service for the dude who died but gave weird requirements like not giving your real name to hotel staff , not being tailed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ remain low profile .
Stuff like that .
People are a bit suspect of this and during the same night this “ party ” is meant to be happening some mobster is killed close to the venue of it by hitmen .
Website after a while was taken down and all that remains are screenshots of the original logs .
Barely Sociable has a vid about the topic on YouTube which will do it far more justice than I have here but it is certainly the oldest thing I know of .
29 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this guy was really weird and he had a youtube channel , he made videos like objects that I ’ ve shoved up my ass , and Margret Thatcher is dead .
One day all of a sudden his channel and all its content disappeared and no one knows what really happened to this day .
30 .
The guy who went caving .
He ends his blog with ‘ I ’ ll let you know what I find.
’ And then it just ends .
Google Ted ’ s caving and it @ @ @ @ @ @

A few people from Ask Reddit are still wondering about unsolved mysteries from the early days of the internet.
1. I remember that extremely creepy video of a young guy with longish hair and a very unique way of speaking (I think it was a combination of accent and speech impediment) talking about grave robbing and how to prep the remains for sale. I remember specifically him going into great detail into how to properly clean out the skulls so they wouldn’t rattle when you shook them. Nobody ever came up with an identity, location, or even a solid answer for who was buying the human remains or why.
Anyway, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it for a long time, because last year a man where I live was arrested for doing the exact same thing. He was digging up graves, taking the remains, and methodically cleaning them for sale. Sale to who?? For what reason?? It literally drives me insane.
2. A young girl went missing or was killed in a certain area and as time passes, on Youtube an old white guy titled the anniversary of that girl’s disappearance/death with the location stares into the camera and is just laughing menacing for quite a while before the video ends with him smiling.
3. There was a multitude of killers who have posted on 4Chan one who asked the question “What does /b/ keep in the freezer?” they then proceeded to post pictures of body parts with timestamps to prove its authentication. Another one was (again 4Chan) a guessing name of a missing person and provided a freebie which when guessed correctly lead to the co-ordinates of where the body was buried.
4. Death of Philip Taylor Kramer, the bass guitarist for Iron Butterfly who became a computer engineer. He was said to have been working on data compression techniques and may have been assassinated, but his death was ruled a suicide.
The whole story (and family) are weird. It made the rounds as a favorite early internet conspiracy and then… just disappeared.
5. What about the guy that tried to test his new gas mask and made chlorine gas, and it was absorbed into his skin, and he stopped posting updates.
6. I somehow stumbled onto a very disturbing website called something like howtobeaserialkiller.com. That’s not exactly the right URL, but it’s close. I probably found it through Stileproject.com. It was full of information that seemed like it might actually really help someone to get away with killing strangers. I tried to show a friend what I had found a couple of weeks later and the site had been removed with a simple message remaining, “How to be a serial killer has been removed. If you’re really interested in killing someone why don’t you start with yourself.” I’d like to know what the hell inspired someone to create such a site and why did they decide to remove it.
7. There was a really old youtube video tutorial of this American hiker explaining how to use a compass while on top of some mountain. At the end of the video, he’s like okay time to hike back down and he says, “Now that you guys know how to use one, don’t get lost out there,” and you see him walk downhill and the video cuts. Someone commented (probably jokingly) that after that video: “He was never seen again.”
Well, it turns out that was the last video he made and he actually was never seen again. I have no idea whether he uploaded it live or went back home, uploaded it, and then went missing.
But the irony is that he went missing after giving a tutorial on how to use a compass and not get lost.
8. The identity of Shiloh Dynasty and whether they’re still alive. They just randomly popped up on the internet with a few clips of them singing uploaded to their vine and their Ig. And these clips have been sampled multiple times to make hit songs by different producers and most notably from XXXtentacions album. Yet it is unknown who Shiloh is, whether male or female, alive or dead.
9. There was this one billboard advertising this number and when you called, it was a voice that said weird things in a pattern. People went over the words again and again, he always took a pause and took a breath and the same words every time. If you look you could probably find a website, even a subreddit. It was a weird story.
10. There used to be a huge conspiracy theory that Walt Disney’s head was frozen in ice. Whenever you searched the keywords “Disney” “Frozen”, theories would show up. By “coincidence” Disney makes the movie Frozen and you cannot search up those keywords anymore without being blocked by the movie.
11. The dude who found a nazi underground bunker in his garden. Kept posting updates on how he was digging towards it and finding odd stuff, until the day before he was due to enter it. Nothing after that if I remember correctly…
12. I remember watching a video of a man exploring the catacombs and out of nowhere he just drops the camera and begins to run.
13. Cicada 3301 a series of puzzles put out by an anonymous source that has been stuck at a roadblock for a couple of years now. The current puzzle is called the Liber Primus and is 58 pages of Nordic runes, only 2 have been decoded in the past 6 years or so.
14. Smurf in Hand. This guy was a Smurfs fan with sadistic and pedophiliac inclinations. He went to a forum for the fans of the cartoon and made a long story that was pretty much just graphic torture porn featuring Smurf babies. The pictures he drew had his own hands poorly Photoshopped in, often scaring or harming the Smurfs. It’s so horrific (and still up on the forum) that most people reading it wonder just what the hell this guy has done since.
Smurf In Hand has never been found. No one knows where he is or what he now does for a living. Given that he clearly wants to hurt babies, it’s quite possible he got a job caring for them…
15. The Most Mysterious Song on the Internet, I only know about this mystery because of a series of videos made by Whang! If you don’t know what the mystery is about, it’s about a song that is visible to the public, but no one knows who made the song, no one even knows the title of the song, this search started in 2007, but wasn’t big until 2019 I think.
16. Back in 1993, there was a page that had the full process of creating ecstasy. Must have been written by a scientist, because it was highly detailed.
17. In the early days of the internet, there was a site which purported to show a massive submarine base being built in the middle of the Amazon – it was documented through a series of photos developed from a camera that had been found in the jungle. The theory was that the camera had been thrown from an airplane that had flown over the base just prior to being shot down.
This is NOT a drug submarine base, but rather something else entirely – it was in the MIDDLE of the Brazilian Amazon, far from any body of water, and the submarine itself was GIANT.
The conjecture was that the elite of the world knew something about coming cataclysmic floods that would envelop the planet and so had built themselves an escape submarine – an Ark – out there in the sticks.
I saw this site in the very, very early days of the web… it was one of the few sites to visit with the new web browsers of the time.
But try as I might I simply cannot find any trace of this site anymore, it has vanished and even the Internet Archive has no reference to it.
Was pretty interesting that’s for sure. The sub looked huge and the pictures of it quite legitimate…
18. The woman who thought the government or someone was listening to her and spying on her in South Korea I think, that they were trying to control her I think too, and webcams were installed and you could watch her sleeping or on her computer. And her door would be barricaded most of the time and there were handwritten signs all over the place.
I lost the bookmark to the link for the webcams years ago. But I still think and wonder if she is ok and if the cams are still running.
19. There was this story of someone on Reddit who accidentally killed this special needs kid when he/she was a child. They were with some friends bike riding I think and they accidentally watched as this kid fell off the mountain and died. They told nobody but the posted about it on Reddit somewhere. Then someone replied with a question asking about the name of the kid who died as it seemed really similar to another story. Then out of nowhere op deletes his whole ass account and everything with it after the reply.
20. Did Hugh Hefner really have a secret collection of sex videos of celebrities from his parties which his sons and lawyers gave back to them after Hugh died? And did they really find blueprints for tunnels to be built to James Caan’s, Beatty’s, and Nicholson’s house… because that is some crazy sex addiction stuff when your thinking of building tunnels.
21. Who is Satoshi Nakamoto; inventor of Bitcoin? He disappeared shortly after its release and has never been heard of again. He still has a $10 billion worth that is just sitting there untouched.
22. What about that guy that’s seen sprinting out of an airport with none of his luggage then is never seen again?
23. During the golden age of the internet, I was in my early teens, I would type random URL addresses to see where it took me. One time I typed WWW.Hell.com
It was an extremely weird web site that eventually fucked up my shitty Packard Bell computer so badly that it was useless. I wonder who made that web site. I miss the old school internet. It was very much like the dark web, but not as difficult to explore back then.
24. There was a simple Geocities type page with a blog about a guy who’d found a cave beneath his house and was exploring it. It was the earliest type of creepypasta I’d encountered—probably 2002-3. Remember really fascinated by it and wondered if it was real.
25. There was a blogger named Rance in the early 2000s who was rumored to be a celebrity since his posts contained a lot of detail about other celebs. At the time I think some people thought it was George Clooney, but whoever it was abruptly stopped posting.
26. One I remember is something along the lines of cutoffmyfeet.com. I don’t think it’s still up, but the gist of it was that a dude’s feet were paralyzed and he wanted to cut them off so he could get prosthetics. I don’t remember much, there are probably better explanations out there.
27. R/thatevilfarminggame. Essentially, a user on Reddit posted about a farming simulation game, however, there’s a twist where you kill your wife and have to cover it up. No one is able to find it and some say the OP is misremembering details of the game.
28. Lake City Quite Pills.
Old Reddit user who used to post here in the really old days (before subreddits even I think?) died. Their friend took over their Reddit account for a bit and let Reddit know. Eventually, people noticed the user was linked to some site (I think it was porn or something) which in turn contained message logs. These message logs were all pretty cryptic.
The logs eventually mentioned holding a service for the dude who died but gave weird requirements like not giving your real name to hotel staff, not being tailed, only American currency, and to remain low profile. Stuff like that. People are a bit suspect of this and during the same night this “party” is meant to be happening some mobster is killed close to the venue of it by hitmen.
Website after a while was taken down and all that remains are screenshots of the original logs. Barely Sociable has a vid about the topic on YouTube which will do it far more justice than I have here but it is certainly the oldest thing I know of.
29. The mystery of Bruno Powroznik. this guy was really weird and he had a youtube channel, he made videos like objects that I’ve shoved up my ass, and Margret Thatcher is dead. One day all of a sudden his channel and all its content disappeared and no one knows what really happened to this day.
30. The guy who went caving. He ends his blog with ‘I’ll let you know what I find.’ And then it just ends. Google Ted’s caving and it’s the first result!


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-21--10 Things You Will Start To Feel When A Big Life Change Is Around The Corner

Sometimes when our lives are about to change , we can sense it before we can see it .
These are a few of the experiences you might have right before a massive shift takes place .
1 .
You ’ ll start to phase out of denial .
When we ’ re really stuck in life , denial is the shield we use to protect ourselves from the panic of acknowledging everything that ’ s wrong because we don ’ t yet have the confidence to believe we can fix it .
When we ’ re approaching a big @ @ @ @ @ @ @ really coming up on is the tipping point at which we are finally ready to reconcile what ’ s been “ off ” for a pretty long time .
This means that you ’ re going to be phasing out of the denial period , and into anger , regret , remorse , and even sadness .
These are feelings you ’ ve had pent up for a really long time , that you probably feel safe enough to release now because you know the story is changing , your life is adjusting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ along .
We don ’ t snap out of denial one day , we slowly come out of it in phases , and eventually , we arrive at acceptance that we weren ’ t happy before .
2 .
You ’ ll look back at the choices that lead you here .
Big life changes are often a time for reflection .
It ’ s when we realize that we ’ re moving from one chapter to the next that we often stop to take stock of what happened in our story prior @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we are now .
More than anything , we start to become more self-aware .
We begin to recognize why we ended up where we did , and why .
We begin to think about the choices that lead us to where we currently stand , and how we might need to choose differently if we want a different outcome in the future .
Whether you ’ re proud of what you ’ ve done or regretful , either way , this reflection process gleans a lot of important wisdom for moving forward @ @ @ @ @ @ @ clear on what you really want .
The process of getting out of denial is also the process of getting into alignment .
When you acknowledge what you do not want , you can not help but identify its opposite : what you do want .
You might discover that realizing what you want is not an inspiring process .
Quite the opposite , in fact .
You might arrive at these conclusions from a place of anger , regret , and total exasperation .
You might realize that you ’ ve been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what you want , let alone pursue it wholeheartedly .
Regardless of how you arrive , what ’ s important is that you can no longer neglect what you truly desire , and that ’ s a good thing , even if it ’ s uncomfortable in the process .
4 .
You ’ ll shed everything that you no longer want to carry .
You might find yourself physically releasing what ’ s around you .
You might clean out your closet and the clothes that no longer suit you , you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a deep purge .
You might change where you live , stop talking to some friends and connect with others , and so on , and so forth .
This is a subconscious way of making your outer world align with what ’ s happening throughout your inner world .
Deep down , you know you ’ re moving on , and you can ’ t do so with all of the weight of the past keeping you stuck .
When you heal one part of your life , it tends to radiate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Maybe you ’ re getting out of denial regarding the city you ’ re living in , or the type of work that you do , or the long-term viability of a relationship .
In the process , you might find yourself wanting to address other things that have been bothering you for a long time .
When we improve or elevate one part of our lives , the others that remain unhealed begin to stand out more starkly in comparison .
Just remember to take it one thing at a time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can both acknowledge what needs to change while doing it at a safe pace .
6 .
Things will start to come full-circle .
With all of this revelation and change happening , you might find yourself having a “ full circle ” ending .
Maybe you kind of always had a hunch about what you ’ re doing now .
Maybe you ’ re accepting parts of yourself that have existed all along , though you ’ ve been in denial of them .
Maybe you ’ re realizing that you kind @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what you know now , even though you tried to avoid it .
Maybe you ’ re finally coming to terms with what you wanted all along .
Maybe you can remember yourself saying : I always wanted to live there .
Maybe you are finally realizing that the work that comes most effortlessly to you is always what you were meant to be doing .
Maybe you are recognizing that you knew your relationship was a dead-end from the very beginning , but you pursued it anyway .
No matter what ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , you might find that you ’ re sort of ending where you started , and it ’ s really more comforting than you ’ d imagine .
7 .
You ’ ll rediscover your sense of self .
A natural side-effect of recognizing what you do and do not want in your life is likewise realizing who you are and are not .
In this process , you might find that you ’ re discovering a stronger , and clearer , sense of self .
You know what you want , you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , you know what you want to experience .
You ’ re adjusting who you are on the outside to better reflect who you know you are on the inside , and it ’ s a bittersweet process .
While it can be a pretty hard ego-hit to accept that you haven ’ t been the person you want to be , it ’ s quickly released in favor of the feeling of finally being truer to yourself , which is invaluable , and irreplaceable .
You ’ re realizing that you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and you have always been .
Through all the periods of clearing stored emotions , getting out of denial and embracing who you are , you ’ ll find that glimpses of deep , inner peace are becoming more normal .
This will be different than being excited or energized , because this sense is really the feeling that you ’ re finally where you ’ re supposed to be , not anxious that you ’ ll never arrive , or that you don ’ t deserve to .
You ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ showing up in the moment the way you want to be , and it ’ s a life-changing realization to have .
The funny thing about figuring out what you want in the moment is that it often lend itself to the bigger picture , too .
You might find yourself realizing what you want long-term , or what your life might look like .
This might have been completely foreign to you just a short while ago , but now that you ’ re becoming more comfortable with who you are and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ easier to see ahead , and that ’ s something you take additional comfort in .
10 .
You ’ ll let go with gratitude , and step in with grace .
Periods of transition can be tough , but when you ’ re really ready , you ’ ll know how to let go with gratitude , and step in with grace .
What this means is that you ’ ll be thankful for everything you ’ ve experienced , including each misstep and mistake .
From each , you learned something @ @ @ @ @ @ @ won ’ t really regret it .
Then you ’ ll step in with that same sense of appreciation .
You ’ ll take the first strides into your new chapter with a feeling of ease and awe , because you know what it ’ s like to live out of alignment with who you are — and you ’ ll never forget how good it feels to finally be on the other side .

Sometimes when our lives are about to change, we can sense it before we can see it. These are a few of the experiences you might have right before a massive shift takes place.
1. You’ll start to phase out of denial.
When we’re really stuck in life, denial is the shield we use to protect ourselves from the panic of acknowledging everything that’s wrong because we don’t yet have the confidence to believe we can fix it.
When we’re approaching a big life change, what we’re really coming up on is the tipping point at which we are finally ready to reconcile what’s been “off” for a pretty long time.
This means that you’re going to be phasing out of the denial period, and into anger, regret, remorse, and even sadness.
These are feelings you’ve had pent up for a really long time, that you probably feel safe enough to release now because you know the story is changing, your life is adjusting as it really needed to be all along.
We don’t snap out of denial one day, we slowly come out of it in phases, and eventually, we arrive at acceptance that we weren’t happy before.
2. You’ll look back at the choices that lead you here.
Big life changes are often a time for reflection.
It’s when we realize that we’re moving from one chapter to the next that we often stop to take stock of what happened in our story prior, and how that contributed to where we are now.
More than anything, we start to become more self-aware.
We begin to recognize why we ended up where we did, and why. We begin to think about the choices that lead us to where we currently stand, and how we might need to choose differently if we want a different outcome in the future.
Whether you’re proud of what you’ve done or regretful, either way, this reflection process gleans a lot of important wisdom for moving forward.
3. You’ll get clear on what you really want.
The process of getting out of denial is also the process of getting into alignment.
When you acknowledge what you do not want, you cannot help but identify its opposite: what you do want.
You might discover that realizing what you want is not an inspiring process. Quite the opposite, in fact.
You might arrive at these conclusions from a place of anger, regret, and total exasperation. You might realize that you’ve been denying yourself even the ability to recognize what you want, let alone pursue it wholeheartedly.
Regardless of how you arrive, what’s important is that you can no longer neglect what you truly desire, and that’s a good thing, even if it’s uncomfortable in the process.
4. You’ll shed everything that you no longer want to carry.
You might find yourself physically releasing what’s around you.
You might clean out your closet and the clothes that no longer suit you, you might go through your belongings and do a deep purge. You might change where you live, stop talking to some friends and connect with others, and so on, and so forth.
This is a subconscious way of making your outer world align with what’s happening throughout your inner world.
Deep down, you know you’re moving on, and you can’t do so with all of the weight of the past keeping you stuck.
5. You’ll address other long-standing issues.
When you heal one part of your life, it tends to radiate out and touch all of the others.
Maybe you’re getting out of denial regarding the city you’re living in, or the type of work that you do, or the long-term viability of a relationship. In the process, you might find yourself wanting to address other things that have been bothering you for a long time.
When we improve or elevate one part of our lives, the others that remain unhealed begin to stand out more starkly in comparison.
Just remember to take it one thing at a time and not totally overwhelm yourself.
You can both acknowledge what needs to change while doing it at a safe pace.
6. Things will start to come full-circle.
With all of this revelation and change happening, you might find yourself having a “full circle” ending.
Maybe you kind of always had a hunch about what you’re doing now. Maybe you’re accepting parts of yourself that have existed all along, though you’ve been in denial of them.
Maybe you’re realizing that you kind of always, deep down, knew what you know now, even though you tried to avoid it. Maybe you’re finally coming to terms with what you wanted all along.
Maybe you can remember yourself saying: I always wanted to live there.
Maybe you are finally realizing that the work that comes most effortlessly to you is always what you were meant to be doing.
Maybe you are recognizing that you knew your relationship was a dead-end from the very beginning, but you pursued it anyway.
No matter what’s shifting or what revelations are occurring, you might find that you’re sort of ending where you started, and it’s really more comforting than you’d imagine.
7. You’ll rediscover your sense of self.
A natural side-effect of recognizing what you do and do not want in your life is likewise realizing who you are and are not.
In this process, you might find that you’re discovering a stronger, and clearer, sense of self.
You know what you want, you know what you’re good at, you know what you want to experience.
You’re adjusting who you are on the outside to better reflect who you know you are on the inside, and it’s a bittersweet process. While it can be a pretty hard ego-hit to accept that you haven’t been the person you want to be, it’s quickly released in favor of the feeling of finally being truer to yourself, which is invaluable, and irreplaceable.
You’re realizing that you’re worthy of the life you want, and you have always been.
8. You’ll start to feel deep inner peace.
Through all the periods of clearing stored emotions, getting out of denial and embracing who you are, you’ll find that glimpses of deep, inner peace are becoming more normal.
This will be different than being excited or energized, because this sense is really the feeling that you’re finally where you’re supposed to be, not anxious that you’ll never arrive, or that you don’t deserve to.
You’re starting to sense that you’re showing up in the moment the way you want to be, and it’s a life-changing realization to have.
9. You’ll start to have long-term clarity.
The funny thing about figuring out what you want in the moment is that it often lend itself to the bigger picture, too.
You might find yourself realizing what you want long-term, or what your life might look like. This might have been completely foreign to you just a short while ago, but now that you’re becoming more comfortable with who you are and what you want, it’s easier to see ahead, and that’s something you take additional comfort in.
10. You’ll let go with gratitude, and step in with grace.
Periods of transition can be tough, but when you’re really ready, you’ll know how to let go with gratitude, and step in with grace.
What this means is that you’ll be thankful for everything you’ve experienced, including each misstep and mistake. From each, you learned something invaluable, and for that, you won’t really regret it.
Then you’ll step in with that same sense of appreciation. You’ll take the first strides into your new chapter with a feeling of ease and awe, because you know what it’s like to live out of alignment with who you are — and you’ll never forget how good it feels to finally be on the other side.


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-21--6 Reasons You Should Never Get Too Attached To An Aries

1 .
We have a reputation for being selfish .
We don ’ t actually consider ourselves selfish because we will always go out of our way to help a friend in need .
We will always do our best to treat others with kindness .
However , we ’ re going to put ourselves first .
We ’ re going to do what is best for our own physical and mental health .
We aren ’ t going to allow someone toxic to drain us .
We aren ’ t going to sacrifice our own happiness to please someone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and we won ’ t settle for less .
2 .
We have a pretty intense temper .
You aren ’ t going to get away with screwing us over .
If you hurt us , then you ’ re going to feel our wrath .
We ’ re going to put you in your place .
We ’ re going to curse you out .
We ’ re going to get revenge .
Although we might forgive you once our anger dies down , we will always remember what you ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to get away with hurting us easily .
We ’ re not the type of people you can take advantage of .
3 .
We ’ re blunt about our opinions .
We aren ’ t going to sugarcoat our feelings .
We aren ’ t going to censor what we say .
We aren ’ t afraid of confrontation , so if you upset us , we ’ re going to speak up .
We ’ re going to tell you what ’ s on our minds .
On the plus side @ @ @ @ @ @ @ guess what we ’ re thinking because we don ’ t hold anything back .
However , that means you ’ re going to need thick skin in order to deal with us .
If your feelings get hurt easily , you might have a hard time hearing what we have to say .
4 .
We ’ re impulsive .
We change our minds easily because we get bored easily .
We become restless when we ’ re in the same place for too long .
On a whim , we might @ @ @ @ @ @ @ travel to another part of the country .
Or we might decide to stop calling and texting out of nowhere .
Although we like to pretend we don ’ t have any feelings , we ’ re actually guided by our feelings .
We don ’ t think with our heads .
We think with our hearts .
We make decisions based on whatever feels right in the moment .
5 .
We ’ re passionate .
When we love something , we really love it .
That might be a person or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , just because we love it today doesn ’ t mean we ’ ll love it tomorrow .
Our passion burns brightly , but it can ’ t burn forever .
Eventually , our interest will die out and we ’ ll find something new .
6 .
We ’ re okay with temporary relationships .
You might not want to get too attached to us because we don ’ t get too attached to anyone else .
We don ’ t mind when relationships are temporary .
They don ’ t have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ They don ’ t have to be eternal to be meaningful .
There are some people who were only meant to be in our lives for a short while and we ’ re okay with that .
We aren ’ t the type to cling to the past .
We ’ re always moving towards our shiny new future .

1. We have a reputation for being selfish. We don’t actually consider ourselves selfish because we will always go out of our way to help a friend in need. We will always do our best to treat others with kindness. However, we’re going to put ourselves first. We’re going to do what is best for our own physical and mental health. We aren’t going to allow someone toxic to drain us. We aren’t going to sacrifice our own happiness to please someone else. We know what we deserve and we won’t settle for less.
2. We have a pretty intense temper. You aren’t going to get away with screwing us over. If you hurt us, then you’re going to feel our wrath. We’re going to put you in your place. We’re going to curse you out. We’re going to get revenge. Although we might forgive you once our anger dies down, we will always remember what you’ve done. You aren’t going to get away with hurting us easily. We’re not the type of people you can take advantage of.
3. We’re blunt about our opinions. We aren’t going to sugarcoat our feelings. We aren’t going to censor what we say. We aren’t afraid of confrontation, so if you upset us, we’re going to speak up. We’re going to tell you what’s on our minds. On the plus side, you’ll never have to guess what we’re thinking because we don’t hold anything back. However, that means you’re going to need thick skin in order to deal with us. If your feelings get hurt easily, you might have a hard time hearing what we have to say.
4. We’re impulsive. We change our minds easily because we get bored easily. We become restless when we’re in the same place for too long. On a whim, we might decide to hop on a plane and travel to another part of the country. Or we might decide to stop calling and texting out of nowhere. Although we like to pretend we don’t have any feelings, we’re actually guided by our feelings. We don’t think with our heads. We think with our hearts. We make decisions based on whatever feels right in the moment.
For the person who is always googling astrological compatibility when they meet someone new. How You’ll Do Everything Based On Your Zodiac Sign includes an exhaustive analysis of each sign’s personality. You’ll learn which high school clique represents them (Pisces are the cool art kids), who would get eaten first in a scary movie (Gemini, obviously) to how each sign prefers to say ‘I love you’ (for Taurus, it’s with good food). Alternating between silly, sweet, and serious, this book is filled with deep dives into the mind of everyone whose birth chart you can get your hands on. Buy now
5. We’re passionate. When we love something, we really love it. That might be a person or a career or a hobby. However, just because we love it today doesn’t mean we’ll love it tomorrow. Our passion burns brightly, but it can’t burn forever. Eventually, our interest will die out and we’ll find something new.
6. We’re okay with temporary relationships. You might not want to get too attached to us because we don’t get too attached to anyone else. We don’t mind when relationships are temporary. They don’t have to last forever to mean something. They don’t have to be eternal to be meaningful. There are some people who were only meant to be in our lives for a short while and we’re okay with that. We aren’t the type to cling to the past. We’re always moving towards our shiny new future.


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-21--Horror Movies Streaming This Weekend (8/21-8/23)

Hey all you creepy cats and spooky kittens , This week we watched as a California court allowed victims to speak directly to the Golden State Killer .
One victim dropped the bombshell that Joseph James DeAngelo was on-duty as a police officer when he parked his car in a local church parking lot and proceeded by foot to the victim ’ s home where he terrorized the couple inside .
DeAngelo ’ s former employer , the Auburn , CA police department had been trying to cover this up .
The victim was only able to piece together the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ helped him find the documentation .
The real world is a spooky place .
If you ’ re ready to enter a fantasy world where the horrors are all fake , here ’ s the best of what ’ s streaming this weekend : The Invitation — A truly creepy , unsettling , and shocking movie about a group of friends invited to a dinner party .
As the night goes on and the purpose of the dinner party is revealed , things get a little bit murder-y .
Willow Creek — A @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bigfoot hunter who takes his wife on a romantic camping trip to Humboldt County , CA to try to find bigfoot .
It ’ s a found footage film with interviews from “ real life ” bigfoot superfans and cryptozoology nuts .
Watch with the windows open .
The Clovehitch Killer — True crime fans will love the genuinely scary horror movie loosely based on the story of the Bind Torture Kill predator that terrorized Witchita and was eventually undone by his own stupidity — and the DNA on his daughter ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a “ family man ” who happens to be a psychopathic serial killer and his son , who begins to unravel his father ’ s secret .
— Netflix announced that more episodes of its Unsolved Mysteries reboot will be available on 10/19 .
— Another epic Netflix announcement : the streaming service is planning a three part FEAR STREET trilogy for summer 2021 based on the beloved R.L .
Stine novels .
— Our readers are raving about Forget Her , this summer ’ s best creepy beach read .
— We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s The Sandman on audiobook .
— Lighten up with our list of the best horror comedies of all time !
That ’ s all for this week .
Check back next friday ( or sign up ) for a new roundup of what to watch .
Stay spooky !

Hey all you creepy cats and spooky kittens,
This week we watched as a California court allowed victims to speak directly to the Golden State Killer. One victim dropped the bombshell that Joseph James DeAngelo was on-duty as a police officer when he parked his car in a local church parking lot and proceeded by foot to the victim’s home where he terrorized the couple inside. DeAngelo’s former employer, the Auburn, CA police department had been trying to cover this up. The victim was only able to piece together the timeline because one of the defense lawyers helped him find the documentation.
The real world is a spooky place. If you’re ready to enter a fantasy world where the horrors are all fake, here’s the best of what’s streaming this weekend:
Streaming on Netflix:
The Invitation — A truly creepy, unsettling, and shocking movie about a group of friends invited to a dinner party. As the night goes on and the purpose of the dinner party is revealed, things get a little bit murder-y.
Streaming on Prime:
Willow Creek — A slept-on but terrifying horror movie about a bigfoot hunter who takes his wife on a romantic camping trip to Humboldt County, CA to try to find bigfoot. It’s a found footage film with interviews from “real life” bigfoot superfans and cryptozoology nuts. Watch with the windows open.
Streaming on Hulu:
The Clovehitch Killer — True crime fans will love the genuinely scary horror movie loosely based on the story of the Bind Torture Kill predator that terrorized Witchita and was eventually undone by his own stupidity — and the DNA on his daughter’s hairbrush. The Clovehitch Killer focuses on a “family man” who happens to be a psychopathic serial killer and his son, who begins to unravel his father’s secret.
More horror happenings
— Netflix announced that more episodes of its Unsolved Mysteries reboot will be available on 10/19.
— Another epic Netflix announcement: the streaming service is planning a three part FEAR STREET trilogy for summer 2021 based on the beloved R.L. Stine novels.
— Our readers are raving about Forget Her, this summer’s best creepy beach read.
— We’re also loving Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman on audiobook.
— Lighten up with our list of the best horror comedies of all time!
That’s all for this week. Check back next friday (or sign up) for a new roundup of what to watch. Stay spooky!


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-21--Don’t Be Embarrassed About Making These 6 Mistakes When Your Heart Is Broken

When you ’ re heartbroken , you might make some impulsive decisions you regret later .
But , really , you shouldn ’ t regret doing whatever it takes to heal .
You shouldn ’ t be so hard on yourself .
Here are a few things you might consider mistakes that actually aren ’ t as bad as they seem : 1 .
Rebounding .
No , you shouldn ’ t lead someone else on and hurt them in the same way you were hurt , but there ’ s no harm in hooking up with someone who is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Don ’ t feel guilty about needing another body on top of yours .
Don ’ t feel actual shame on your walk of shame .
Hooking up with someone new might not help you get over your ex , but if it helps you forget about them for a little while and you have a good time , what ’ s the harm ?
It ’ s a good reminder that your ex isn ’ t the only person interested .
They aren ’ t the only one who sees the good @ @ @ @ @ @ @ eyes out .
You ’ re allowed to be upset over losing someone — even if that person was an asshole .
Even if you weren ’ t in a serious relationship .
Even if you knew they weren ’ t going to stick around forever .
It ’ s dangerous to bottle up your emotions , so you should let yourself cry .
Don ’ t feel silly over your tears because it ’ s natural to be upset when you lose someone .
It ’ s perfectly normal to need a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
You don ’ t want to text them if you can help it , but if the damage is already done , you shouldn ’ t feel embarrassed .
Maybe you wanted answers .
Maybe you wanted to vent .
Or maybe you wanted to get back together with them .
No matter what your reason was for texting them , it ’ s okay that you reached out .
It ’ s okay that you ’ re having trouble coping without them .
Your life is different without them in it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ some time to adjust .
4 .
Posting your drama on social media .
Although you probably don ’ t want the whole world to know you ’ re heartbroken , everyone on social media would ’ ve realized your relationship status changed anyway .
They would ’ ve seen your new profile picture .
It ’ s hard to keep your relationship private in this day and age .
And honestly , no one else is judging you as much as you ’ re judging yourself .
Everyone has been in a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the people who have read your sad — or angry — posts are probably more concerned for you than annoyed by you .
5 .
Spending hours ranting to your friends and family .
Your loved ones want to be there for you .
They want to help you endure your heartache .
Although you might wish you kept your venting to yourself after your anger dies down , you have to remember there ’ s nothing wrong with reaching out to others when you need help .
You shouldn ’ t be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and family can help you with your healing process .
Simply knowing they are there for you can be a big comfort .
6 .
Blocking your ex on social media .
Even though you don ’ t want to come across as petty , blocking your ex is actually a good idea .
It can help you get over them .
It ’ s good to get them off your mind .
It ’ s good to give yourself some distance from them .

When you’re heartbroken, you might make some impulsive decisions you regret later. But, really, you shouldn’t regret doing whatever it takes to heal. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.
Here are a few things you might consider mistakes that actually aren’t as bad as they seem:
1. Rebounding. No, you shouldn’t lead someone else on and hurt them in the same way you were hurt, but there’s no harm in hooking up with someone who is on the same page as you. Don’t feel guilty about needing another body on top of yours. Don’t feel actual shame on your walk of shame. Hooking up with someone new might not help you get over your ex, but if it helps you forget about them for a little while and you have a good time, what’s the harm? It’s a good reminder that your ex isn’t the only person interested. They aren’t the only one who sees the good in you.
2. Crying your eyes out. You’re allowed to be upset over losing someone — even if that person was an asshole. Even if you weren’t in a serious relationship. Even if you knew they weren’t going to stick around forever. It’s dangerous to bottle up your emotions, so you should let yourself cry. Don’t feel silly over your tears because it’s natural to be upset when you lose someone. It’s perfectly normal to need a release.
3. Texting your ex. You don’t want to text them if you can help it, but if the damage is already done, you shouldn’t feel embarrassed. Maybe you wanted answers. Maybe you wanted to vent. Or maybe you wanted to get back together with them. No matter what your reason was for texting them, it’s okay that you reached out. It’s okay that you’re having trouble coping without them. Your life is different without them in it. It’s going to take some time to adjust.
4. Posting your drama on social media. Although you probably don’t want the whole world to know you’re heartbroken, everyone on social media would’ve realized your relationship status changed anyway. They would’ve seen your new profile picture. It’s hard to keep your relationship private in this day and age. And honestly, no one else is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself. Everyone has been in a similar situation before. If anything, the people who have read your sad — or angry — posts are probably more concerned for you than annoyed by you.
5. Spending hours ranting to your friends and family. Your loved ones want to be there for you. They want to help you endure your heartache. Although you might wish you kept your venting to yourself after your anger dies down, you have to remember there’s nothing wrong with reaching out to others when you need help. You shouldn’t be going through this alone. Your friends and family can help you with your healing process. Simply knowing they are there for you can be a big comfort.
6. Blocking your ex on social media. Even though you don’t want to come across as petty, blocking your ex is actually a good idea. It can help you get over them. It’s good to get them off your mind. It’s good to give yourself some distance from them.


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-21--You’re Allowed To Care And You’re Allowed To Show It

You might be terrified of expressing your feelings because you ’ ve been called clingy before .
You might not want to come across as the one who cares more .
You might be tiptoeing around your feelings because you ’ ve been honest about them in the past and it ended with you getting your heart shattered .
Although there are certain people in this world who aren ’ t going to appreciate your soft heart , you shouldn ’ t let them dictate your behavior .
If they want to hide away their feelings , they ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you ’ re free to wear your heart on your sleeve .
You ’ re allowed to show your vulnerable side .
You ’ re allowed to admit how much you care about others .
You ’ re allowed to be vocal about your feelings even if everyone around you has been keeping their heart to themselves .
What is the worst thing that could happen by spreading some kindness ?
Sure , you might be called clingy , but think about what that really means .
It means you ’ re transparent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ re honest about your expectations .
It means you aren ’ t interested in stringing someone along or getting strung along yourself .
Isn ’ t being honest better than playing mind games ?
Isn ’ t it better than sitting around , waiting for your person to guess what is wrong or waiting for them to put a label on whatever connection exists between you ?
Isn ’ t it better to communicate , to get everything out in the open so you know whether or not you ’ re on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not handle your love , they don ’ t deserve your love .
If someone considers you too clingy , simply for expressing your emotions , you should consider them gone .
Even though it might hurt to be pushed away by someone you care about deeply , it ’ s better to be yourself from the start and see how they react .
It ’ s better to learn whether you ’ re a good match early on so you have the chance to walk away and form new , stronger bonds @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you .
Remember , there ’ s nothing wrong with being honest about your feelings instead of trying to play it cool and act like you ’ re emotionless .
You don ’ t have to play dating games in order to gain someone ’ s interest .
You don ’ t have to come across as mysterious in order to find your person .
There aren ’ t any rules when it comes to modern relationships .
You can make your own rules .
You can express as much or as little @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do whatever makes you comfortable .
You shouldn ’ t hold back your love for someone because you ’ re worried about coming on too strong .
You shouldn ’ t feel embarrassed to voice how you ’ ve been feeling .
There ’ s nothing wrong with having intense emotions .
There ’ s nothing wrong with having such a huge heart .
Don ’ t let anyone convince you that it ’ s a bad thing you feel so strongly .
Don ’ t let anyone convince you that you have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this world .
Keep expressing your feelings .
The right person is going to be refreshed by your authenticity .

You might be terrified of expressing your feelings because you’ve been called clingy before. You might not want to come across as the one who cares more. You might be tiptoeing around your feelings because you’ve been honest about them in the past and it ended with you getting your heart shattered.
Although there are certain people in this world who aren’t going to appreciate your soft heart, you shouldn’t let them dictate your behavior. If they want to hide away their feelings, they’re free to do so, just like you’re free to wear your heart on your sleeve.
You’re allowed to show your vulnerable side. You’re allowed to admit how much you care about others. You’re allowed to be vocal about your feelings even if everyone around you has been keeping their heart to themselves.
What is the worst thing that could happen by spreading some kindness? Sure, you might be called clingy, but think about what that really means. It means you’re transparent about your emotions. It means you’re honest about your expectations. It means you aren’t interested in stringing someone along or getting strung along yourself.
Isn’t being honest better than playing mind games? Isn’t it better than sitting around, waiting for your person to guess what is wrong or waiting for them to put a label on whatever connection exists between you? Isn’t it better to communicate, to get everything out in the open so you know whether or not you’re on the same page?
If someone cannot handle your love, they don’t deserve your love.
If someone considers you too clingy, simply for expressing your emotions, you should consider them gone.
Even though it might hurt to be pushed away by someone you care about deeply, it’s better to be yourself from the start and see how they react. It’s better to learn whether you’re a good match early on so you have the chance to walk away and form new, stronger bonds if they aren’t meant for you.
Remember, there’s nothing wrong with being honest about your feelings instead of trying to play it cool and act like you’re emotionless. You don’t have to play dating games in order to gain someone’s interest. You don’t have to come across as mysterious in order to find your person.
There aren’t any rules when it comes to modern relationships. You can make your own rules. You can express as much or as little emotion as you want. You can do whatever makes you comfortable.
You shouldn’t hold back your love for someone because you’re worried about coming on too strong. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed to voice how you’ve been feeling. There’s nothing wrong with having intense emotions. There’s nothing wrong with having such a huge heart.
Don’t let anyone convince you that it’s a bad thing you feel so strongly. Don’t let anyone convince you that you have to act heartless to get ahead in this world. Keep expressing your feelings. The right person is going to be refreshed by your authenticity.


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-21--Why Each Zodiac Will Turn Down A Date With You

They ’ ll turn down a date if they don ’ t feel excited around you , if you don ’ t bring out their butterflies .
They ’ ll turn down a date if they don ’ t feel comfortable around you , if they can ’ t be themself around you .
They ’ ll turn down a date if they feel like you want to move too quickly and settle down too fast .
They ’ ll turn down a date if they don ’ t feel a strong enough emotional connection with you .
They ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feel like you ’ re too bossy and controlling .
They ’ ll turn down a date if they feel like you ’ re the type to play mind games with them .
They ’ ll turn down a date if they feel too much pressure , if you ’ re too intense from the start .
They ’ ll turn down a date if they feel like you ’ re a player , like you ’ re going to damage their heart .
They ’ ll turn down a date if they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ physical connection with you .
They ’ ll turn down a date if they don ’ t feel like they can have a real , meaningful conversation with you .
They ’ ll turn down a date if they feel like you ’ re better off as friends , like you aren ’ t meant to be more .
They ’ ll turn down a date if they don ’ t feel like you want something real , something more than a fling .

Aries
They’ll turn down a date if they don’t feel excited around you, if you don’t bring out their butterflies.
Taurus
They’ll turn down a date if they don’t feel comfortable around you, if they can’t be themself around you.
Gemini
They’ll turn down a date if they feel like you want to move too quickly and settle down too fast.
Cancer
They’ll turn down a date if they don’t feel a strong enough emotional connection with you.
For the person who is always googling astrological compatibility when they meet someone new. How You’ll Do Everything Based On Your Zodiac Sign includes an exhaustive analysis of each sign’s personality. You’ll learn which high school clique represents them (Pisces are the cool art kids), who would get eaten first in a scary movie (Gemini, obviously) to how each sign prefers to say ‘I love you’ (for Taurus, it’s with good food). Alternating between silly, sweet, and serious, this book is filled with deep dives into the mind of everyone whose birth chart you can get your hands on. Buy now
Leo
They’ll turn down a date if they feel like you’re too bossy and controlling.
Virgo
They’ll turn down a date if they feel like you’re the type to play mind games with them.
Libra
They’ll turn down a date if they feel too much pressure, if you’re too intense from the start.
Scorpio
They’ll turn down a date if they feel like you’re a player, like you’re going to damage their heart.
Sagittarius
They’ll turn down a date if they don’t feel a strong enough physical connection with you.
Capricorn
They’ll turn down a date if they don’t feel like they can have a real, meaningful conversation with you.
Aquarius
They’ll turn down a date if they feel like you’re better off as friends, like you aren’t meant to be more.
Pisces
They’ll turn down a date if they don’t feel like you want something real, something more than a fling.


thoughtcatalog--2020-08-24--The Truth Is, I’m Not Thriving In The Chaos

Every day , I am bombarded by another person who has taken up a new hobby or realized a hidden talent .
Every day , I am watching another friend get engaged and land their dream job .
And every day , I am reminded of how astoundingly different my life currently is from so many others around me .
While some people are thriving in the chaos that is our world right now , I am drowning in it .
I used to be a morning person , but now I can barely get myself out of bed .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ too many things and wondering when ( or if ) my life will ever go back to normal .
The time I used to spend sleeping , I now spend worrying about every decision I have ever made that has brought me to this point in my life .
Most days , I just spend my time wishing I could take it all back .
I watched my entire industry collapse in the blink of an eye .
I lost the job I had for almost five years through an email .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 10 years of my life implode right in front of me , all while knowing there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it .
I had already found my passion in life and had turned what most consider a hobby into a career .
I can ’ t help but wonder what else is even left for me now .
My mind is in a constant state of panic , alarms blaring and lights flashing , and every single decision I make looks like danger .
For every good habit someone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I can probably tell you ten bad ones I now have .
I hardly go outside anymore .
I can ’ t really read books or make art .
I can ’ t keep up with anyone ’ s birthdays or even just have basic , casual conversations without feeling overwhelmed .
Some days , it feels like I am making all of this up in my own head as I watch the rest of the world living on , unbothered .
I am watching people I care about get sick .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the ones they care about , and I just wish I could make it all stop .
I feel so small in this chaos .
I feel like I am screaming and trying to get the rest of the world to wake up and to care .
I feel like everything I do has no meaning .
I feel like the world is burning , and no matter how hard I try , the only option I have is to watch it burn .
I just want to know where I will be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ some reassurance that the decisions I am making right now are the decisions I should be making for the future .
I already feel like I made the wrong choice the last time that I had to pick a path , and I am so afraid I will do the same again .
I feel like my current situation is proving to every person who has ever doubted me that they were right to do so .
I am now doubting everything in myself that I have ever believed in , all while @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
When everyone else around you appears to be doing so well , it is so difficult not to feel the pressure to try to keep up the same facade .
Some days , I think I even have myself convinced that I , too , am thriving .
But , deep down , I know that I am not .
I spend my days pouring as much of myself as I can into the two part-time jobs I have left , desperately trying to prove to them that I have value , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not see it myself .
I spend my days trying to distract myself from everything I am feeling in hopes that it will all just go away .
But the problem is that none of this is just going to go away .
We have to stop assuming that once the calendar flips to 2021 , everything will be okay again .
Maybe for a lot of people , the chaos will pass in a few months ’ time and life will begin to feel normal again .
But for so many of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will change our lives forever .
Some people will not come back .
Some careers will not come back .
What was once our normal lives might never come back .
I am not thriving in this chaos , and you might not be either , and that is okay .
It is okay to not be okay right now .
It is okay to let yourself feel all of the emotions you are feeling .
Chaos is devastating .
Chaos is life-altering .
Chaos , change , loss , all of these @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and I don ’ t think anyone should expect you to wake up the day after you have lost everything with a smile on your face and a new dream to follow .
It is okay to mourn someone you have lost .
It is okay to mourn a dream that was taken from you .
It is okay to mourn the life you once had .
It is okay to worry and to cry and to hate everything that is happening right now .
No one should expect you to have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crumbling beneath you .
I truly think it is wonderful that so many people have been able to take the chaos of our current world and turn it into something productive and beautiful .
Everyone reacts to change and stress in different ways .
You may love all of the time alone at home while someone else might be suffering in all of the stillness and the silence .
You may feel energized and like you have finally been given the time to dedicate to your passion while some of us are watching @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
What is perfection for one person could be a perfect hell for another .
The truth is , I am not thriving in the chaos .
I am just doing my best to keep my head above water .
And sometimes , that is all you can do .

Every day, I am bombarded by another person who has taken up a new hobby or realized a hidden talent. Every day, I am watching another friend get engaged and land their dream job. And every day, I am reminded of how astoundingly different my life currently is from so many others around me. While some people are thriving in the chaos that is our world right now, I am drowning in it.
I used to be a morning person, but now I can barely get myself out of bed. I am up too late thinking about too many things and wondering when (or if) my life will ever go back to normal. The time I used to spend sleeping, I now spend worrying about every decision I have ever made that has brought me to this point in my life. Most days, I just spend my time wishing I could take it all back.
I watched my entire industry collapse in the blink of an eye. I lost the job I had for almost five years through an email. I watched everything I worked for the last 10 years of my life implode right in front of me, all while knowing there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. I had already found my passion in life and had turned what most consider a hobby into a career. I can’t help but wonder what else is even left for me now.
My mind is in a constant state of panic, alarms blaring and lights flashing, and every single decision I make looks like danger. For every good habit someone else has picked up during quarantine, I can probably tell you ten bad ones I now have. I hardly go outside anymore. I can’t really read books or make art. I can’t keep up with anyone’s birthdays or even just have basic, casual conversations without feeling overwhelmed. Some days, it feels like I am making all of this up in my own head as I watch the rest of the world living on, unbothered.
I am watching people I care about get sick. I am watching people I care about lose the ones they care about, and I just wish I could make it all stop. I feel so small in this chaos. I feel like I am screaming and trying to get the rest of the world to wake up and to care. I feel like everything I do has no meaning. I feel like the world is burning, and no matter how hard I try, the only option I have is to watch it burn.
I just want to know where I will be when everything settles. I just want some reassurance that the decisions I am making right now are the decisions I should be making for the future. I already feel like I made the wrong choice the last time that I had to pick a path, and I am so afraid I will do the same again.
I feel like my current situation is proving to every person who has ever doubted me that they were right to do so. I am now doubting everything in myself that I have ever believed in, all while trying to pretend that I am not. When everyone else around you appears to be doing so well, it is so difficult not to feel the pressure to try to keep up the same facade. Some days, I think I even have myself convinced that I, too, am thriving. But, deep down, I know that I am not.
I spend my days pouring as much of myself as I can into the two part-time jobs I have left, desperately trying to prove to them that I have value, even though most days, I do not see it myself. I spend my days trying to distract myself from everything I am feeling in hopes that it will all just go away. But the problem is that none of this is just going to go away. We have to stop assuming that once the calendar flips to 2021, everything will be okay again. Maybe for a lot of people, the chaos will pass in a few months’ time and life will begin to feel normal again. But for so many of us, the chaos has changed or will change our lives forever. Some people will not come back. Some careers will not come back. What was once our normal lives might never come back.
I am not thriving in this chaos, and you might not be either, and that is okay. It is okay to not be okay right now. It is okay to let yourself feel all of the emotions you are feeling. Chaos is devastating. Chaos is life-altering. Chaos, change, loss, all of these things will wreak havoc on a life, and I don’t think anyone should expect you to wake up the day after you have lost everything with a smile on your face and a new dream to follow. It is okay to mourn someone you have lost. It is okay to mourn a dream that was taken from you. It is okay to mourn the life you once had. It is okay to worry and to cry and to hate everything that is happening right now. No one should expect you to have it all together while the earth is crumbling beneath you.
I truly think it is wonderful that so many people have been able to take the chaos of our current world and turn it into something productive and beautiful. Everyone reacts to change and stress in different ways. You may love all of the time alone at home while someone else might be suffering in all of the stillness and the silence. You may feel energized and like you have finally been given the time to dedicate to your passion while some of us are watching everything we have ever loved leave us. What is perfection for one person could be a perfect hell for another.
The truth is, I am not thriving in the chaos. I am just doing my best to keep my head above water.
And sometimes, that is all you can do.