thoughtcatalog--2020-10-16--30 Powerful, Life-Changing Quotes From Real Therapy Sessions

1 .
Bad things happen in our lives every day .
Most of them are unavoidable .
That ’ s life .
Rather than burning yourself out working to avoid bad things from happening , teach yourself resilience – how you experience , process , accept , recover , and move on from bad things .
The better you get at being resilient , the less time you spend being anxious and depressed about a bad situation or potentially bad situation .
Not only this , resilience is inspiring .
If your kids , spouse , parents , siblings , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you bounce back from a bad situation , it will spread positivity .
2 .
My therapist and I were discussing how I felt about a pretty deep betrayal from my now ex-wife .
I was beating myself up for not seeing how bad she really was when there was plenty of evidence .
He wrote down something on his yellow notepad and then held it up right in my face , practically touching my nose .
He said , “ What ’ s that say ?
” I couldn ’ t read @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my face .
Stepping back from it a bit , it could read it said , “ You ’ re too close to see it.
” He was right .
I was too close to the problems and the situation to have been able to see it where in retrospect it was so obvious .
I stopped beating myself up over it and was able to let it go .
3 .
“ Anything worth doing is worth doing half-assed.
” Inaction is a form of paralysis .
Do something , even if @ @ @ @ @ @ @ human in perfect condition in ideal circumstances would do .
I should go to the gym 3x a week and get back into the shape I was in when I was a dancer .
I don ’ t do that .
I do take my dog on long walks , though , and that ’ s better than sitting on the couch all day !
4 .
Worrying about something that might happen just makes you miserable .
Its great to have a contingency plan , but dont spend all your energy worrying @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just deal with it if it happens .
5 .
I ’ m not required to forgive anyone , especially from abuse .
I can if I want to and it works for me but if I don ’ t feel forgiving then I don ’ t have to .
6 .
Try to find something you enjoy every day .
Even if it ’ s something small like taking a hot shower or going for a walk .
If you start feeling down , you can think about what you enjoyed from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve done something nice for yourself .
7 .
I had issues getting motivated for pretty much anything , even my hobbies .
She told me that even doing nothing is a conscious desicion , it is not something that just happens , I made that choice and I will need to decide it every day for the rest of my life .
It ’ s a rather simple thought but it completely changed me .
Basically gave me back control .
I always ask myself stuff like , “ Do I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and watch YouTube the whole Saturday ?
” And the answer is almost always , “ no , ” so I go out and ride my bike or meet up with friends .
Really helped me , just the simple task of questioning what you want to do with your time and making it a conscious decision .
8 .
If you don ’ t heal from what hurt you , you ’ ll bleed on people that didn ’ t cut you .
9 .
“ You aren ’ t obligated to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me realize that I could walk away from toxic relationships , romantic or otherwise .
10 .
My most recent therapist said , “ Productivity does not equal worth or value.
” In regards to people feeling like just because we ’ re home all the time during the pandemic , we should be doing stuff for and in the home ( cleaning , hobbies , renovations , etc ) .
And then feeling badly that we don ’ t have the energy for those things .
I ’ ve been reminding myself @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like I should be doing this or that .
She says that relaxation is its own productivity .
11 .
“ Your bad feelings are hard enough – don ’ t punish yourself on top of that for feeling bad.
” Helped with self-harm , and depression spirals .
12 .
I don ’ t owe the world anything , but the world doesn ’ t owe me anything either .
13 .
It ’ s not your job to manage other people ’ s emotions .
It ’ s not your job @ @ @ @ @ @ @ vocalize it .
Let people do their own thing , if they need help they will ask , and if they don ’ t ask then that ’ s one less ask to stress about .
14 .
Would you say the things you say to yourself in your head to your best friend ?
Would you tell your best friend that they are a pathetic loser that will never accomplish anything and nobody likes them and they should just go ahead and off themselves to make everyone ’ s lives better ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ say that to my best friend… So why was I saying it to **myself** ?
15 .
While my marriage was imploding , I was so hung up on figuring out why .
Hours spent every night trying to fall asleep and instead trudging over past arguments trying to get to a “ fixable ” cause .
My therapist simply stated , “ You don ’ t need to figure it out .
Just accept it.
” It was like a 10,000 lb bolder was lifted from my shoulders .
16 .
A @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
If this guy you are with loves you , he ’ ll respect that you aren ’ t ready and he won ’ t complain about it .
If he does , then he ’ s not a good partner .
17 .
“ You can ’ t forget , and you won ’ t forget .
We can ’ t get rid of every emotion that hurts like jelaousy , anger , sadness .
What ’ s important here is getting the skills to understand these things , feel them , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ If you have to eat a shit sandwich , you pick the toppings that come on it.
” It was disheartening hearing at first , but it validated how I was feeling and gave me a good visual to see that even if things suck there are things I can control to make it better .
19 .
“ Maybe you can treat yourself like a person and not like a project.
” It changed my life .
I ’ d been treating myself like something to fix , and seeing every @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a failure and a terrible person .
I learned to give myself the same benefit of the doubt as I ’ d give any other human I met on the street .
Humans make mistakes , including me—that doesn ’ t mean there ’ s issues to fix , it means I ’ m a person .
20 .
You don ’ t want your life to be exciting .
You want it to be boring .
Excitement sounds like fun but your mental health pays for it .
So do exciting things @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ boring ” life so you don ’ t careen from disaster to disaster .
21 .
Any emotion that you have , whether positive or negative , is just an extension of yourself .
For me , it was my anger .
I would have moments where I was aware I was out of control but didn ’ t know how to stop it .
So she told me to think of my anger as my literal hand .
I control my hand .
I have the autonomy to make my hand @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do .
My hand does not control me .
It was very effective in those moments where I would feel my anger taking over me to just quite literally look at my hand and remember I am in control .
22 .
I was freaking out about things that COULD happen , and he simply asked me , “ So what would you do if that happened ?
” It sounds super simple , and it is , but it helped me realize I have solutions to problems that MIGHT arise .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from doing things that would be beneficial or enjoyable .
23 .
Being called selfish is a form of control .
24 .
Take one day off a week .
Completely off .
No work .
No “ projects.
” No plans .
Wake up with nothing on the agenda .
Someone giving me permission to do nothing was pretty revolutionary for someone coming from a protestant hardwork ethic upbringing that villianized relaxation as idleness/laziness .
She was not just giving me permission , she was insisting on it as imperative to my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s okay to cry and don ’ t hold shit in .
26 .
I don ’ t remember the exact wording , but my psychiatrist told me years ago that bad things that happened in my life weren ’ t because I deserved them .
The bad things happened to me because they were going to happen and I just happened to be there .
They could have happened to anyone else instead of me , but it wasn ’ t because God hated me that they happened .
For me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ everything that happened to me was my fault and just what I deserved .
That if something good happened it was an accident and would be reversed soon enough .
He gave me the knowledge that sometimes shitty things just happen .
27 .
If you approach someone with good intentions and they react in a negative way , that is a reflection of themselves and not you .
I really struggled with a negative core belief that I wasn ’ t good enough or worthy of the friends I had .
My @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s say then that a friend decides they don ’ t like you for who you are – so what ?
” It has really helped me to accept that I ’ m actually great , I don ’ t need to be anyone other than who I am to please other people .
29 .
“ You have to learn to forgive yourself.
” 30 .
“ You have always been you , you were just never allowed to be yourself and were suppressed .
”

People on know how important therapy is. Here are some things they learned during their own sessions:
1. “Bad things happen in our lives every day. Most of them are unavoidable. That’s life. Rather than burning yourself out working to avoid bad things from happening, teach yourself resilience – how you experience, process, accept, recover, and move on from bad things. The better you get at being resilient, the less time you spend being anxious and depressed about a bad situation or potentially bad situation. Not only this, resilience is inspiring. If your kids, spouse, parents, siblings, friends, etc., notice how quickly you bounce back from a bad situation, it will spread positivity.”
2. “My therapist and I were discussing how I felt about a pretty deep betrayal from my now ex-wife. I was beating myself up for not seeing how bad she really was when there was plenty of evidence. He wrote down something on his yellow notepad and then held it upright in my face, practically touching my nose.
He said, “What’s that say?”
I couldn’t read it; it was too close to my face. Stepping back from it a bit, it could read it said, “You’re too close to see it.” He was right. I was too close to the problems and the situation to have been able to see it, where, in retrospect, it was so obvious. I stopped beating myself up over it and was able to let it go.”
3. ““Anything worth doing is worth doing half-assed.”
Inaction is a form of paralysis. Do something, even if it isn’t everything an adult human in perfect condition in ideal circumstances would do. I should go to the gym 3x a week and get back into the shape I was in when I was a dancer. I don’t do that. I do take my dog on long walks, though, and that’s better than sitting on the couch all day!”
4. “Worrying about something that might happen just makes you miserable. It’s great to have a contingency plan, but don’t spend all your energy worrying about something that might never happen; just deal with it if it happens.”
5. “I’m not required to forgive anyone, especially from abuse. I can if I want to, and it works for me, but if I don’t feel forgiving, then I don’t have to.”
6. “Try to find something you enjoy every day, even if it’s something small like taking a hot shower or going for a walk. If you start feeling down, you can think about what you enjoyed from that day and recognize that you’ve done something nice for yourself.”
7. “I had issues getting motivated for pretty much anything, even my hobbies. She told me that even doing nothing is a conscious decision; it is not something that just happens; I made that choice, and I will need to decide it every day for the rest of my life.
It’s a rather simple thought, but it completely changed me. Basically gave me back control. I always ask myself stuff like, “Do I really want to sit on my couch and watch YouTube the whole Saturday?” And the answer is almost always “no,” so I go out and ride my bike or meet up with friends. It really helped me, just the simple task of questioning what you want to do with your time and making it a conscious decision.”
8. “If you don’t heal from what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people that didn’t cut you.”
9. “”You aren’t obligated to have a relationship with anyone.” Helped me realize that I could walk away from toxic relationships, romantic or otherwise.”
10. “My most recent therapist said, “Productivity does not equal worth or value.” In regards to people feeling like just because we’re home all the time during the pandemic, we should be doing stuff for and in the home (cleaning, hobbies, renovations, etc.). And then feeling badly that we don’t have the energy for those things. I’ve been reminding myself of her words every time I feel like I should be doing this or that. She says that relaxation is its own productivity.”
11. ““Your bad feelings are hard enough – don’t punish yourself on top of that for feeling bad.” Helped with self-harm and depression spirals.”
12. “I don’t owe the world anything, but the world doesn’t owe me anything either.”
13. “It’s not your job to manage other people’s emotions. It’s not your job to anticipate their every need before they vocalize it. Let people do their own thing; if they need help, they will ask, and if they don’t ask then that’s one less ask to stress about.”
14. “Would you say the things you say to yourself in your head to your best friend?
Would you tell your best friend that they are a pathetic loser that will never accomplish anything and nobody likes them, and they should just go ahead and off themselves to make everyone’s lives better?
Well, no. I would never say that to my best friend…
So why was I saying it to **myself**?”
15. “While my marriage was imploding, I was so hung up on figuring out why. Hours spent every night trying to fall asleep and instead of trudging over past arguments trying to get to a “fixable” cause.
My therapist simply stated, “You don’t need to figure it out. Just accept it.”
It was like a 10,000 lb. bolder was lifted from my shoulders.”
16. “A healthy relationship has boundaries that are respected. If this guy you are with loves you, he’ll respect that you aren’t ready, and he won’t complain about it. If he does, then he’s not a good partner.”
17. “You can’t forget, and you won’t forget. We can’t get rid of every emotion that hurts, like jealousy, anger, sadness. What’s important here is getting the skills to understand these things, feel them, and find happiness after.”
18. “If you have to eat a shit sandwich, you pick the toppings that come on it.” It was disheartening hearing at first, but it validated how I was feeling and gave me a good visual to see that even if things suck, there are things I can control to make it better.”
19. “Maybe you can treat yourself like a person and not like a project.” It changed my life. I’d been treating myself like something to fix and seeing every little problem as evidence that I was a failure and a terrible person. I learned to give myself the same benefit of the doubt as I’d give any other human I met on the street. Humans make mistakes, including me—that doesn’t mean there’s issues to fix; it means I’m a person.”
20. “You don’t want your life to be exciting. You want it to be boring. Excitement sounds like fun, but your mental health pays for it. So do exciting things. Be excited. But live a “boring” life, so you don’t careen from disaster to disaster.”
21. “Any emotion that you have, whether positive or negative, is just an extension of yourself.
For me, it was my anger. I would have moments where I was aware I was out of control but didn’t know how to stop it. So she told me to think of my anger as my literal hand. I control my hand. I have the autonomy to make my hand stop doing what I want it to do. My hand does not control me.
It was very effective in those moments where I would feel my anger taking over me to just quite literally look at my hand and remember I am in control.”
22. “I was freaking out about things that COULD happen, and he simply asked me, “So what would you do if that happened?” It sounds super simple, and it is, but it helped me realize I have solutions to problems that MIGHT arise. I shouldn’t let fear stop me from doing things that would be beneficial or enjoyable.”
23. “Being called selfish is a form of control.”
24. “Take one day off a week. Completely off. No work. No “projects.” No plans. Wake up with nothing on the agenda.
Someone giving me permission to do nothing was pretty revolutionary for someone coming from a protestant hard work ethic upbringing that villainized relaxation as idleness/laziness. She was not just giving me permission; she was insisting on it as imperative to my health and well-being.”
25. “It’s okay to cry and don’t hold shit in.”
26. “I don’t remember the exact wording, but my psychiatrist told me years ago that bad things that happened in my life weren’t because I deserved them. The bad things happened to me because they were going to happen, and I just happened to be there. They could have happened to anyone else instead of me, but it wasn’t because God hated me that they happened.
For me, I struggled for years, thinking that everything that happened to me was my fault and just what I deserved. That if something good happened, it was an accident and would be reversed soon enough. He gave me the knowledge that sometimes, shitty things just happen.”
27. “If you approach someone with good intentions and they react in a negative way, that is a reflection of themselves and not you.”
28. “‘So what?’
I really struggled with a negative core belief that I wasn’t good enough or worthy of the friends I had. My therapist said, “Alright, let’s say then that a friend decides they don’t like you for who you are – so what?”
It has really helped me to accept that I’m actually great; I don’t need to be anyone other than who I am to please other people.”
29. “You have to learn to forgive yourself.”
30. “You have always been you; you were just never allowed to be yourself and were suppressed.”
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thoughtcatalog--2020-10-16--Here’s Why Scary Movies Aren’t Actually As Scary As You Might Think

When I was 11 , a childhood friend convinced me and my brother to watch The Ring with her and her sister .
I sat petrified throughout the whole movie , which I probably viewed through spread fingers , my small hands covering my face .
It was perhaps the first experience I had with a clever payout for an anxiety I classify as “ easily startled ” .
I remember the worst part of the film being a sudden cut to the villain/ghost , Samara , in a closet , but the rest of the movie seems to escape @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what happened to me afterwards .
The big reveal that Samara ’ s body has been at the bottom of a well the entire film , serving as the origin and meaning behind the “ ring ” symbolism ( the sunlight shown through the cracks around the well cover ) , was surprising and meaningful .
The realization that the true horror ( a girl being murdered ) lies in a terrible and somewhat more realistic outcome than what I had been imagining throughout the film ( more startling other people while they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ What also stuck with me was the fact that after the movie , when we had managed to calm ourselves down enough to go to bed , the carbon monoxide alarm went off at 3 a.m. , and the fire department had to come and reassure us we weren ’ t all going to die in our sleep .
After this experience my track record with the horror genre did little to improve .
There was a haunted house in middle school where I pushed my way past what I now realize to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ slide ( and at the time believed to be a demonic roadblock ) out of sheer panic and terror .
I then proceeded to get lost in a hallway of mirrors before having to ask a stranger to help me find my way out .
Part of me is under the impression that I may have peed my pants a little during this memory , and the part of me that isn ’ t entirely sure is extremely grateful that repression is such a powerful coping mechanism .
In high school , I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Orphanage , because as its original title implies ( El Orfanato ) , it ’ s a Spanish language film , and thus my nerdy hobby was weaponized against me .
Like The Ring , it was not the anxiety the film caused that stuck with me , but the ending .
The knowledge that it was not a sinister burlap covered ghost that had stolen the protagonist ’ s adopted son from her , but her coincidental rearranging of the contents of a closet that had trapped him in a basement for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his death shook me .
I had learned closets were not to be trusted in horror films , but once again , they ’ d gotten the best of me .
I stayed away from horror films for a long time after this .
I found there were enough things in the real world that caused me to be “ easily startled ” that I felt it best to avoid them altogether : waitresses tapping me on the back in restaurants , an ex-fiance who hid scary Halloween dolls with light up eyes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , my sister waking me up from a nap .
I had an extreme sensitivity to anything that could be perceived as a surprise .
Cut to me at 25 , living alone for the first time in my life .
Every unknown noise in the night made my heart race .
My parents gave me a clock with a chime — bad idea .
I had endless nightmares about waking up in my bedroom , unable to move or scream , while a stranger walked towards me , and as I got @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dreams seemed more and more real .
In an homage to Inception , I would find myself having dreams within a dream , each time having to subconsciously ask myself if I was actually in my bed this time or not .
About a year ago , my worst fear became a reality .
I woke up to someone trying to open the door to my apartment .
Two someones , actually , or at least that ’ s what I ’ m convinced of from what I was able to hear .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ slipped out of my bed and into the hallway , shielded by a wall between me and the door .
I realized whoever was trying to open it was fumbling with the keys , and I remember some laughing .
I was so paralyzed with fear I was too afraid to come any closer or yell out , but I realized whoever it was was probably drunk and had gotten off from the elevator on the wrong floor and ended up at my apartment instead of theirs , so I tiptoed back to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ called the police , and asked them to make sure that whoever it was trying to break into my apartment was okay .
My would-be “ assailants ” eventually abandoned the mission , the police arrived , no one to be found on the scene , and I was told to go back to sleep .
Which I did .
Which leads me to an important argument of this essay : Scary movies are actually not that scary .
I ’ m swiftly approaching my 30th birthday , and a person very close @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my relationship with horror films .
We started with the original IT ( the only thing more terrifying than the made-for-TV acting was Bill ’ s ponytail secured with a leather thong ) , rewatched The Orphanage ( which I was told was the worst movie ever made ) , followed by Halloween ( Jamie Lee Curtis plays a serious student while her friends sleep around with less-than-deserving men ) and Jeepers Creepers ( Do I even recognize Justin Long without Zooey Deschanel ?
Oh wait , I confused him with Joseph Gordon-Levitt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and Sleepy Hollow for some innocent October fun and because I ’ m a sucker for a flowy shirt , but by this point I was really in the Halloween spirit , so I decided , of my own free will , to watch The Shining , a pop-cultural staple so worthy of recognition it made a cameo in Friends ( when Joey and Rachel swap books and she spoils the ending of Little Women ) .
The Shining blew my mind .
So much so that I Googled it afterward .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with me these days is if I feel the need to read about it afterward .
All the undertones felt relevant .
References to Native American burial grounds ( I am writing this days after Columbus Day ) , a man weighing his binding responsibility slash contract to an employer over his family obligations , abuse , generational violence , the brutal murder of a black man , the fragility of Jack ’ s mental state as he mentions the “ white man ’ s burden ” , the symbolic threat of a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ atrocities — everything seemed to point to 2020 in flashing red lights .
Redrum .
Redrum .
But one of the earliest indications that The Shining and I were going to be “ simpatico ” was in the music .
Something I described to a music teacher friend today as “ staccato ” and “ kabuki-like ” in style .
The build-up and suspense was everything you ’ d expect in a horror film , and then the screen would cut to another scene and a new day of the week would be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ worst thing , the most sudden thing that could happen in this movie , was not the worst scenario my imagination could come up with .
It was the passing of time — change .
By the second time this had occurred , the film had made a sort of pact with me , had made a nod to my “ easily startled ” nature and lovingly reassured me , “ We ’ re not going to fuck with you like that .
This is the worst it will get , ” and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in a different way than I was used to .
Instead of focusing all my attention , all my anxiety , on what could happen , I was paying attention to what was happening .
I was in the moment .
I have encountered my fair share of anxiety and change during the COVID pandemic .
There were things that happened to me personally that I anticipated to turn out much worse than they actually did .
Things I had overwhelming anxiety about before they even occurred .
And then there have been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ screen , that have proven to be the true tragedies .
Our political climate is charged .
That ’ s certainly no surprise ; no ghoulish figure popping out of a closet , but something I am at times tempted to watch through spread fingers all the same .
Today I streamed part of the confirmation hearing of Judge Amy Coney Barrett , and while I originally anticipated the worst based on reports she belonged to a “ Handmaid ’ s Tale ” -like cult , the stuff of horror films , by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I could not draw any other conclusion than she had professionally responded to the questions , and politicians are extremely talented at telling irrelevant and unentertaining anecdotes with little awareness of how corny or ill-timed they may be .
My biggest qualm with Judge Barrett ’ s direct responses lay in her advice to women ( quotes below from The New York Times in italics ) : “ One thing I have often told my own daughters is that you should not let life just happen to you or lead you along , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ should identify where your objectives are and identify the type of person you want to be and make deliberate decisions to make that happen .
My dad used to tell us not to make a decision is to make a decision.
” ’ “ Make decisions .
Be confident .
Know what you want .
And go get it , ” she concluded .
While I agree that to have ambition and aspirations is worthy of praise , I am wary of her views on life .
Whether it happens to us or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our power to control .
I believe the COVID pandemic is a perfect example of that .
There are things in life we can not plan for .
While the media may have reported a disbanding in 2018 of a pandemic task force created under the Obama presidency , the truth is that the average citizen could not have anticipated the current situation we find ourselves in .
It may not have been a zombie apocalypse , as modern horror films and TV shows like to anxiously imagine modern pandemics , but maybe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ What none of us were imagining .
Change of this magnitude in our everyday lives with no real way to prepare .
We are also in the midst of a reckoning with race in this country .
While I was fortunate to be safe and sound after the incident I described where someone tried to enter my apartment , Breonna Taylor was not .
There are some things you can not , and more importantly , should never have to plan for .
If she is confirmed , it ’ s my hope @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to combat racism in all forms , as she declared she was opposed to it both personally and professionally today .
She made a point to speak to her children , to let them know specifically of her firm stance .
There are a lot of things that scare me this fall — a lot of hypotheticals and anxieties I could imagine occurring alongside a kabuki-like soundtrack , but if I ’ m grown up enough to tackle horror films , I can handle the news .
There are enough actual atrocities occurring @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , that imagining more seems counterproductive .
I don ’ t mean to downplay any of these worries with this analogy , I simply mean to state that we can not be too afraid to acknowledge the “ real ” and the “ tragic ” because we ’ re trying to avoid the discomfort caused by what could pop out of the closet .
We can ’ t plan for everything in life , but we must deal with it as it happens to us .
We have to move our hands from @ @ @

When I was 11, a childhood friend convinced me and my brother to watch The Ring with her and her sister. I sat petrified throughout the whole movie, which I probably viewed through spread fingers, my small hands covering my face. It was perhaps the first experience I had with a clever payout for an anxiety I classify as “easily startled”. I remember the worst part of the film being a sudden cut to the villain/ghost, Samara, in a closet, but the rest of the movie seems to escape me — except the end, and what happened to me afterwards.
The big reveal that Samara’s body has been at the bottom of a well the entire film, serving as the origin and meaning behind the “ring” symbolism (the sunlight shown through the cracks around the well cover), was surprising and meaningful. The realization that the true horror (a girl being murdered) lies in a terrible and somewhat more realistic outcome than what I had been imagining throughout the film (more startling other people while they opened closets) stuck with me. What also stuck with me was the fact that after the movie, when we had managed to calm ourselves down enough to go to bed, the carbon monoxide alarm went off at 3 a.m., and the fire department had to come and reassure us we weren’t all going to die in our sleep.
After this experience my track record with the horror genre did little to improve. There was a haunted house in middle school where I pushed my way past what I now realize to be a very civilized line for a slide (and at the time believed to be a demonic roadblock) out of sheer panic and terror. I then proceeded to get lost in a hallway of mirrors before having to ask a stranger to help me find my way out. Part of me is under the impression that I may have peed my pants a little during this memory, and the part of me that isn’t entirely sure is extremely grateful that repression is such a powerful coping mechanism.
In high school, I had friends talk me into watching The Orphanage, because as its original title implies (El Orfanato), it’s a Spanish language film, and thus my nerdy hobby was weaponized against me. Like The Ring, it was not the anxiety the film caused that stuck with me, but the ending. The knowledge that it was not a sinister burlap covered ghost that had stolen the protagonist’s adopted son from her, but her coincidental rearranging of the contents of a closet that had trapped him in a basement for the past six months subsequently leading to his death shook me. I had learned closets were not to be trusted in horror films, but once again, they’d gotten the best of me.
I stayed away from horror films for a long time after this. I found there were enough things in the real world that caused me to be “easily startled” that I felt it best to avoid them altogether: waitresses tapping me on the back in restaurants, an ex-fiance who hid scary Halloween dolls with light up eyes in the back seat of the car, my sister waking me up from a nap. I had an extreme sensitivity to anything that could be perceived as a surprise.
Cut to me at 25, living alone for the first time in my life. Every unknown noise in the night made my heart race. My parents gave me a clock with a chime — bad idea. I had endless nightmares about waking up in my bedroom, unable to move or scream, while a stranger walked towards me, and as I got more familiar with my surroundings, the dreams seemed more and more real. In an homage to Inception, I would find myself having dreams within a dream, each time having to subconsciously ask myself if I was actually in my bed this time or not.
About a year ago, my worst fear became a reality. I woke up to someone trying to open the door to my apartment. Two someones, actually, or at least that’s what I’m convinced of from what I was able to hear. Once I was fully conscious, I slipped out of my bed and into the hallway, shielded by a wall between me and the door. I realized whoever was trying to open it was fumbling with the keys, and I remember some laughing. I was so paralyzed with fear I was too afraid to come any closer or yell out, but I realized whoever it was was probably drunk and had gotten off from the elevator on the wrong floor and ended up at my apartment instead of theirs, so I tiptoed back to my bedroom, closed the door, called the police, and asked them to make sure that whoever it was trying to break into my apartment was okay. My would-be “assailants” eventually abandoned the mission, the police arrived, no one to be found on the scene, and I was told to go back to sleep. Which I did.
Which leads me to an important argument of this essay: Scary movies are actually not that scary.
I’m swiftly approaching my 30th birthday, and a person very close to me recently convinced me to revisit my relationship with horror films. We started with the original IT (the only thing more terrifying than the made-for-TV acting was Bill’s ponytail secured with a leather thong), rewatched The Orphanage (which I was told was the worst movie ever made), followed by Halloween (Jamie Lee Curtis plays a serious student while her friends sleep around with less-than-deserving men) and Jeepers Creepers (Do I even recognize Justin Long without Zooey Deschanel? Oh wait, I confused him with Joseph Gordon-Levitt).
I sprinkled in Hocus Pocus and Sleepy Hollow for some innocent October fun and because I’m a sucker for a flowy shirt, but by this point I was really in the Halloween spirit, so I decided, of my own free will, to watch The Shining, a pop-cultural staple so worthy of recognition it made a cameo in Friends (when Joey and Rachel swap books and she spoils the ending of Little Women).
The Shining blew my mind. So much so that I Googled it afterward. The sign something is really going to stick with me these days is if I feel the need to read about it afterward. All the undertones felt relevant. References to Native American burial grounds (I am writing this days after Columbus Day), a man weighing his binding responsibility slash contract to an employer over his family obligations, abuse, generational violence, the brutal murder of a black man, the fragility of Jack’s mental state as he mentions the “white man’s burden”, the symbolic threat of a child with an acute perception of past atrocities — everything seemed to point to 2020 in flashing red lights. Redrum. Redrum.
But one of the earliest indications that The Shining and I were going to be “simpatico” was in the music. Something I described to a music teacher friend today as “staccato” and “kabuki-like” in style. The build-up and suspense was everything you’d expect in a horror film, and then the screen would cut to another scene and a new day of the week would be superimposed over the next image. The worst thing, the most sudden thing that could happen in this movie, was not the worst scenario my imagination could come up with. It was the passing of time — change.
By the second time this had occurred, the film had made a sort of pact with me, had made a nod to my “easily startled” nature and lovingly reassured me, “We’re not going to fuck with you like that. This is the worst it will get,” and I was able to watch the film in a different way than I was used to. Instead of focusing all my attention, all my anxiety, on what could happen, I was paying attention to what was happening. I was in the moment.
I have encountered my fair share of anxiety and change during the COVID pandemic. There were things that happened to me personally that I anticipated to turn out much worse than they actually did. Things I had overwhelming anxiety about before they even occurred. And then there have been other things, other realities on a screen, that have proven to be the true tragedies.
Our political climate is charged. That’s certainly no surprise; no ghoulish figure popping out of a closet, but something I am at times tempted to watch through spread fingers all the same. Today I streamed part of the confirmation hearing of Judge Amy Coney Barrett, and while I originally anticipated the worst based on reports she belonged to a “Handmaid’s Tale”-like cult, the stuff of horror films, by the time the interview had ended, I could not draw any other conclusion than she had professionally responded to the questions, and politicians are extremely talented at telling irrelevant and unentertaining anecdotes with little awareness of how corny or ill-timed they may be.
My biggest qualm with Judge Barrett’s direct responses lay in her advice to women (quotes below from The New York Times in italics):
“One thing I have often told my own daughters is that you should not let life just happen to you or lead you along,” Judge Barrett said. “You should identify where your objectives are and identify the type of person you want to be and make deliberate decisions to make that happen. My dad used to tell us not to make a decision is to make a decision.”’
“Make decisions. Be confident. Know what you want. And go get it,” she concluded.
While I agree that to have ambition and aspirations is worthy of praise, I am wary of her views on life. Whether it happens to us or not is not something we have in our power to control. I believe the COVID pandemic is a perfect example of that. There are things in life we cannot plan for. While the media may have reported a disbanding in 2018 of a pandemic task force created under the Obama presidency, the truth is that the average citizen could not have anticipated the current situation we find ourselves in. It may not have been a zombie apocalypse, as modern horror films and TV shows like to anxiously imagine modern pandemics, but maybe the reality is the true horror. What none of us were imagining. Change of this magnitude in our everyday lives with no real way to prepare.
We are also in the midst of a reckoning with race in this country. While I was fortunate to be safe and sound after the incident I described where someone tried to enter my apartment, Breonna Taylor was not. There are some things you cannot, and more importantly, should never have to plan for.
If she is confirmed, it’s my hope that Judge Barrett will use her position to combat racism in all forms, as she declared she was opposed to it both personally and professionally today. She made a point to speak to her children, to let them know specifically of her firm stance.
There are a lot of things that scare me this fall — a lot of hypotheticals and anxieties I could imagine occurring alongside a kabuki-like soundtrack, but if I’m grown up enough to tackle horror films, I can handle the news. There are enough actual atrocities occurring in our society to pay attention to, that imagining more seems counterproductive. I don’t mean to downplay any of these worries with this analogy, I simply mean to state that we cannot be too afraid to acknowledge the “real” and the “tragic” because we’re trying to avoid the discomfort caused by what could pop out of the closet. We can’t plan for everything in life, but we must deal with it as it happens to us. We have to move our hands from our eyes.


thoughtcatalog--2020-10-16--17 Little Ways To Make Your Life More Like ‘Emily In Paris’ (Even In Quarantine)

1 .
Download Duolingo .
Instantly become a Francophile by starting up a Duolingo account and beginning ( or brushing up on ) your skills Francais .
This is a fun and free app that helps you learn a new language with only a few minutes a day .
If you want to learn more , just spend more time with it .
Maybe you can race the coronavirus to be fluent by the time it ’ s safe to travel again .
2 .
Start putting together outfits again .
Like everyone else , I ’ ve been living @ @ @ @ @ @ @ March .
I barely remember what it was like to wake up and put together an outfit for a casual day working in a coffee shop or taking a stroll on a picturesque street .
Even if you ’ re only going to wear the outfit around your house or post an OOTD , putting together something special and pretty will make you feel good .
3 .
Set a new professional goal .
I love watching films and TV shows about people pursuing their professional dreams .
It ’ s one of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Capture this energy in your own life by setting a new professional goal .
4 .
Try a guided journal .
If you don ’ t have a professional goal in mind or just feel stuck in general , try a guided journal .
Working through preset exercises will allow you to see what ’ s going on in your career life from different perspectives .
At least one vantage point should open up a new pathway or idea about how you ’ d like to better orient your work life .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ a rec , I ’ ve done this one and this one and loved both ) .
5 .
Date someone outside your comfort zone .
If you ’ re single during quarantine , use this time to talk to some people you normally wouldn ’ t connect with .
Gabriel , Antoine , and Mathieu are all so different from Emily ’ s boring beau-from-home Doug .
The more you get to know people from different walks of life the more confident you will feel in every social situation .
Venture off @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tell your friends !
!
!
6 .
Steal Emily ’ s iconic phone case .
There ’ s a dupe of Emily ’ s “ camera ” phone case on Amazon for less than $ 10 !
7 .
Create a hobby that encourages adventure .
In the series , Emily creates her @ EmilyInParis social media account to track her year in Paris .
Having the account helps her fall in love with Paris because she has a vehicle for exploration and having a conscious moment with an experience .
Find @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of your house and keep up with it at least once a week .
Join a hiking club , explore local trails or make it a point to visit all the independently owned bookstores in your area .
Anything works !
8 .
Take more pictures .
Use your phone to snap pics throughout the day of pretty things that appeal to you .
Don ’ t become one of those people that forces their friends to take 50 photos of them smiling at the floor !
Live your life and use the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a proxy for making them .
9 .
Tell people how you feel about them when you feel it .
Don ’ t wait until your crush is moving to bumfuck Normandy !
!
!
!
Gather your rosebuds , etc .
10 .
Channel Emily ’ s confidence .
One of the reasons I think Emily in Paris is so popular is that it is SO , SO refreshing to see a confident female protagonist .
When people are rude to Emily , she doesn ’ t take it personally .
Instead @ @ @ @ @ @ @ because people are treating her badly , she understands she is in a difficult work situation and brainstorms how to work through it .
Practice understanding that sometimes other people are just crabby or busy or rude people who are unhappy with their own lives .
You are not responsible for the way people treat you .
11 .
Wear some pretty lingerie .
Emily ’ s was La Perla ( read : $ $ $ $ $ ) but Rihanna ’ s Savage Fenty line is more affordable and cute ( and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t save it for just special occasions , wear it underneath your work-from-home clothes and I promise you will discover a little spring in your step .
12 .
Cruise AirBnb listings .
Check out short term rentals on AirBnb and plan a solo vacation for when Covid ends .
Just because you can ’ t currently travel doesn ’ t mean you can ’ t spend time fantasizing/planning something for the future .
What city do you want to be a main character in ?
Find a downtown apartment there that is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
13 .
Turn down a date when you ’ re not into it .
Another moment of Emily ’ s confidence I was totally obsessed with is when she turns down the guy who tells her he loves “ American pussy ” .
( GROSS ) .
I ’ ve totally been in that situation where you ’ ve had a great date night with someone and then they just ruin it with their real personality .
I tend to feel guilty about cutting ties and tell myself I need to “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not judge someone ” based on “ one little thing ” .
I love that Emily walked away from this man she was no longer interested in .
I am definitely stealing this vibe .
14 .
Dine al fresco .
It might be your last few weeks of the year to dine outside .
Enjoy the fresh air while you can !
15 .
Or have a picnic .
If you ’ re not up for a social distanced patio meal , plan a bougie picnic for yourself .
Go to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ meats and cheeses .
It is actually impossible to not have a great time when charcuterie is involved .
16 .
Don ’ t forget the baguette .
Remember to walk around your city after purchasing your baguette so everyone knows you ’ re the main character .
17 .
Eat with your eyes .
Plating meals to be aesthetically pleasing isn ’ t just on trend , it ’ s good for your mental health .
Eating with your eyes has always been a part of human nature and how we eat @ @ @ @ @ @ @ meal look pretty , you are taking extra time to appreciate what you have and honor meal time .

1. Download Duolingo. Instantly become a Francophile by starting up a Duolingo account and beginning (or brushing up on) your skills Francais. This is a fun and free app that helps you learn a new language with only a few minutes a day. If you want to learn more, just spend more time with it. Maybe you can race the coronavirus to be fluent by the time it’s safe to travel again.
2. Start putting together outfits again. Like everyone else, I’ve been living in my tie dyed sweat outfits since March. I barely remember what it was like to wake up and put together an outfit for a casual day working in a coffee shop or taking a stroll on a picturesque street. Even if you’re only going to wear the outfit around your house or post an OOTD, putting together something special and pretty will make you feel good.
3. Set a new professional goal. I love watching films and TV shows about people pursuing their professional dreams. It’s one of the reasons I loved Emily in Paris. Capture this energy in your own life by setting a new professional goal.
4. Try a guided journal. If you don’t have a professional goal in mind or just feel stuck in general, try a guided journal. Working through preset exercises will allow you to see what’s going on in your career life from different perspectives. At least one vantage point should open up a new pathway or idea about how you’d like to better orient your work life. (If you’re looking for a rec, I’ve done this one and this one and loved both).
5. Date someone outside your comfort zone. If you’re single during quarantine, use this time to talk to some people you normally wouldn’t connect with. Gabriel, Antoine, and Mathieu are all so different from Emily’s boring beau-from-home Doug. The more you get to know people from different walks of life the more confident you will feel in every social situation. Venture off the beaten path but stay safe and tell your friends!!!
6. Steal Emily’s iconic phone case. There’s a dupe of Emily’s “camera” phone case on Amazon for less than $10!
7. Create a hobby that encourages adventure. In the series, Emily creates her @EmilyInParis social media account to track her year in Paris. Having the account helps her fall in love with Paris because she has a vehicle for exploration and having a conscious moment with an experience. Find a pet project that gets you out of your house and keep up with it at least once a week. Join a hiking club, explore local trails or make it a point to visit all the independently owned bookstores in your area. Anything works!
8. Take more pictures. Use your phone to snap pics throughout the day of pretty things that appeal to you. Don’t become one of those people that forces their friends to take 50 photos of them smiling at the floor! Live your life and use the photos to capture memories, not as a proxy for making them.
9. Tell people how you feel about them when you feel it. Don’t wait until your crush is moving to bumfuck Normandy!!!! Gather your rosebuds, etc.
10. Channel Emily’s confidence. One of the reasons I think Emily in Paris is so popular is that it is SO, SO refreshing to see a confident female protagonist. When people are rude to Emily, she doesn’t take it personally. Instead of assuming something is wrong with her because people are treating her badly, she understands she is in a difficult work situation and brainstorms how to work through it. Practice understanding that sometimes other people are just crabby or busy or rude people who are unhappy with their own lives. You are not responsible for the way people treat you.
11. Wear some pretty lingerie. Emily’s was La Perla (read: $$$$$) but Rihanna’s Savage Fenty line is more affordable and cute (and size inclusive) anyway! Don’t save it for just special occasions, wear it underneath your work-from-home clothes and I promise you will discover a little spring in your step.
12. Cruise AirBnb listings. Check out short term rentals on AirBnb and plan a solo vacation for when Covid ends. Just because you can’t currently travel doesn’t mean you can’t spend time fantasizing/planning something for the future. What city do you want to be a main character in? Find a downtown apartment there that is worthy of your Emily in Paris moment.
13. Turn down a date when you’re not into it. Another moment of Emily’s confidence I was totally obsessed with is when she turns down the guy who tells her he loves “American pussy”. (GROSS). I’ve totally been in that situation where you’ve had a great date night with someone and then they just ruin it with their real personality. I tend to feel guilty about cutting ties and tell myself I need to “give him a chance” or “not judge someone” based on “one little thing”. I love that Emily walked away from this man she was no longer interested in. I am definitely stealing this vibe.
14. Dine al fresco. It might be your last few weeks of the year to dine outside. Enjoy the fresh air while you can!
15. Or have a picnic. If you’re not up for a social distanced patio meal, plan a bougie picnic for yourself. Go to the grocery store and pick up some bougie meats and cheeses. It is actually impossible to not have a great time when charcuterie is involved.
16. Don’t forget the baguette. Remember to walk around your city after purchasing your baguette so everyone knows you’re the main character.
17. Eat with your eyes. Plating meals to be aesthetically pleasing isn’t just on trend, it’s good for your mental health. Eating with your eyes has always been a part of human nature and how we eat. When you spend time making your meal look pretty, you are taking extra time to appreciate what you have and honor meal time.


thoughtcatalog--2020-10-16--7 Flirting Tips That Work Way Better Than Corny Pickup Lines

1 .
Walk straight up to them and say hello .
This might feel awkward when you ’ ve never spoken to the person before , but it ’ s not as weird as you ’ re imagining .
Plus , it won ’ t make the other person feel as uncomfortable as a pick-up line might .
A hello is friendly , it ’ s safe , it ’ s unassuming .
If they ’ re attracted to you too , they ’ ll be excited that you walked over to start a conversation .
And if they ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ able to tell pretty quickly .
2 .
Give them a genuine compliment .
Instead of using a random pick-up line on them that would work on anyone you saw , give them a specific , personalized compliment .
Tell them how much you like their outfit , their hair , their eyes , their smile .
Make them feel good about themselves .
Give them a boost in their confidence .
Even if they turn you down , at least you ’ ve brightened their day .
That ’ s something to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your body language to send the right signals .
Before you approach them , make eye contact with them .
Smile at them .
See how they respond .
If they seem interested , you can sit close to them .
Touch them on the arm when you ’ re speaking to them or laughing at one of their jokes .
Break the touch barrier .
Make it clear that you ’ re interested — but also back off if it seems like they aren ’ t on the same page .
4 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ If you ’ re too shy to strike up a conversation with them in person , do it over social media .
Just don ’ t leave a like on their picture and assume that ’ s enough .
Leave a flirtatious comment on the post — or DM them to talk about how good they looked .
Make it clear that you aren ’ t liking their photo the same way you ’ ve been liking photos of your friends and random celebrities .
Let them know you ’ re attracted to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 5 .
Have real , meaningful conversations with them .
Pick-up lines might give you the chance to banter back and forth , which is great at first , but you don ’ t want your connection to be purely superficial .
You want to get to know them better .
That ’ s why you should ask them about their life ( without digging too deep and making them uncomfortable ) .
Make sure to remember what they tell you so you can reference it in conversation later .
They ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Be blunt with them about what you want .
Using a pick-up line could make it seem like you ’ re only interested in sex .
If you want a real relationship , then ask this person on a real date .
Don ’ t skirt around the word date .
Use it in your sentence .
Make your intentions clear so there ’ s no room for misunderstandings .
If they like you too , they ’ re going to be relieved you were so open about what you wanted .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ open , too .
7 .
Be yourself .
It ’ s the most cliche advice you could ever hear , but it ’ s true .
You don ’ t want to trick someone into believing you ’ res someone you ’ re not because the relationship will never last .
They ’ re going to see the authentic you eventually .
You might as well be honest from the start to make sure they love the real you .

1. Walk straight up to them and say hello. This might feel awkward when you’ve never spoken to the person before, but it’s not as weird as you’re imagining. Plus, it won’t make the other person feel as uncomfortable as a pick-up line might. A hello is friendly, it’s safe, it’s unassuming. If they’re attracted to you too, they’ll be excited that you walked over to start a conversation. And if they’re not interested, you should be able to tell pretty quickly.
2. Give them a genuine compliment. Instead of using a random pick-up line on them that would work on anyone you saw, give them a specific, personalized compliment. Tell them how much you like their outfit, their hair, their eyes, their smile. Make them feel good about themselves. Give them a boost in their confidence. Even if they turn you down, at least you’ve brightened their day. That’s something to be proud of.
3. Use your body language to send the right signals. Before you approach them, make eye contact with them. Smile at them. See how they respond. If they seem interested, you can sit close to them. Touch them on the arm when you’re speaking to them or laughing at one of their jokes. Break the touch barrier. Make it clear that you’re interested — but also back off if it seems like they aren’t on the same page.
4. Message them on social media. If you’re too shy to strike up a conversation with them in person, do it over social media. Just don’t leave a like on their picture and assume that’s enough. Leave a flirtatious comment on the post — or DM them to talk about how good they looked. Make it clear that you aren’t liking their photo the same way you’ve been liking photos of your friends and random celebrities. Let them know you’re attracted to them instead of making them guess.
5. Have real, meaningful conversations with them. Pick-up lines might give you the chance to banter back and forth, which is great at first, but you don’t want your connection to be purely superficial. You want to get to know them better. That’s why you should ask them about their life (without digging too deep and making them uncomfortable). Make sure to remember what they tell you so you can reference it in conversation later. They’ll be impressed that you remembered.
6. Be blunt with them about what you want. Using a pick-up line could make it seem like you’re only interested in sex. If you want a real relationship, then ask this person on a real date. Don’t skirt around the word date. Use it in your sentence. Make your intentions clear so there’s no room for misunderstandings. If they like you too, they’re going to be relieved you were so open about what you wanted. And it will encourage them to be open, too.
7. Be yourself. It’s the most cliche advice you could ever hear, but it’s true. You don’t want to trick someone into believing you’res someone you’re not because the relationship will never last. They’re going to see the authentic you eventually. You might as well be honest from the start to make sure they love the real you.


thoughtcatalog--2020-10-16--You’re Not Overly Emotional For Crying Over These 30 Things

1 .
Physical contact .
Got a spontaneous hug from a friend last week and immediately broke down .
It ’ s been a while .
2 .
When I go drive around certain areas .
Kinda weird how nostalgia can be so tied to places .
3 .
Seeing posts about animals .
Almost all posts .
Beautiful cat ?
Tears in my eyes .
Excited puppy ?
I ’ m cracking already .
God forbid it ’ s a video of something being saved or finding a good home or learning a new trick and being proud of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 4 .
Great music or movies .
I get super emotional , even if it ’ s not particularly sad , if something is executed perfectly .
5 .
When I ’ m on my period , all bets are off .
Stub my toe ?
Cry .
See a Subaru commercial ?
Cry .
Someone tells me that they think I ’ m a great friend ?
You get the picture .
6 .
Being tired and hungry .
If I ’ m super tired and hungry every stupid little thing just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
When anyone speaks with a slighty , just slightly , angered voice .
8 .
Hearing a song that causes me to reflect or think of certain memories .
9 .
When old couples are being sweet to each other .
10 .
American News .
I love my country but hate how divided and ignorant so many are .
11 .
I tear up when I see a dad and his child interacting and displaying a healthy dynamic/emotional bond .
Anything sentimental related to family just gets me every time .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ fictional TV show or something .
12 .
Being held by someone that cares and understands your pain .
It ’ s better than sex .
13 .
Seeing my cat sleeping peacefully at the foot of my bed .
Cats know they are vulnerable when they sleep so they seek somewhere where they ’ ll be safe and when I see her sleeping peacefully it shows she feels safe with me .
It always makes me tear up .
14 .
Simple things like hearing my name or someone doing something for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sometimes let a few tears fall .
15 .
Someone who listens to you vent and just ramble on and on and genuinely cares .
16 .
Guitar solos in music .
I have absolutely no idea why this happens , but 9 times out of 10 if I hear a good guitar solo in a song it makes me tear up .
17 .
When I see a gathering of nations , for example , Olympics or Edinburgh Castle Army Drumline Battle… Always get super emotional .
18 .
I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me is tearing up , I am , too .
No idea why , wish I could stop because it can make for awkward moments .
19 .
The Disney logo at the start of movies makes me tear up .
The opening logo for Disney movies – you know , the magical twinkling music and the shot of the castle ?
Though the older the opening logo , the more teary I get – if it ’ s the old blue and white graphic I get really blurry .
Worse when it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m trying to casually play it off as a nose itch or something with a napkin , hoping no one sitting near me notices ( especially if I ’ m with a friend ) .
No idea why this happens .
I guess just the nostalgic feels .
20 .
Singing , both when I do it or when I hear it .
Listening to someone sing live gets me every time , but if I ’ m emotional and I sing or hear a song on the radio that hits @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a knot in the throat and start to cry .
Usually , musicals get me every time .
21 .
Realizing that my kids will grow up on a planet that will see mass extinctions , regularly occurring extreme weather , and forests , oceans , and plains all dying , knowing that we knew it would happen and didn ’ t do much to stop it .
22 .
Standing ovations ( when I am in the crowd also clapping ) it ’ s just an overwhelming sense of joy I cry @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Theatre , music , speeches , anything that gets a standing O I tear up !
23 .
When I see strangers helping each other or if someone helps me with something I get a little soft inside .
24 .
When the Star Bakers on The Great British Baking Show call their families and tell them they got star baker for the week .
25 .
Babies and toddlers laughing .
That happiness is soooo pure .
26 .
Family reunions in media .
Not like a family reunion party thing .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ members see each other again after a long time and they hug and kiss each other .
I never had this kind of relationship with my family and seeing it always pinch my heart .
27 .
If someone asks me if I ’ m ok in a nice or loving way ( if I ’ m stressed or look tired or sad or whatever ) I immediately start crying , even if I wasn ’ t in a bad mood in the first place .
28 .
It ’ s not an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t watch a video of someone in the military coming home after years away and surprising a loved one .
Guaranteed waterworks .
29 .
When a parent in a movie says to their kid ( adult-kid or literal kid , either one ) “ I ’ m proud of you.
” 30 .
Cats meowing .
I ’ m used to it with my own cats , but any other cat I come across that meows will turn me into a blubbering mess .

Ask Reddit is here to prove it’s okay to cry!
1. Physical contact. Got a spontaneous hug from a friend last week and immediately broke down. It’s been a while.
2. When I go drive around certain areas. Kinda weird how nostalgia can be so tied to places.
3. Seeing posts about animals. Almost all posts. Beautiful cat? Tears in my eyes. Excited puppy? I’m cracking already. God forbid it’s a video of something being saved or finding a good home or learning a new trick and being proud of itself. Bring on the waterworks.
4. Great music or movies. I get super emotional, even if it’s not particularly sad, if something is executed perfectly.
5. When I’m on my period, all bets are off. Stub my toe? Cry. See a Subaru commercial? Cry. Someone tells me that they think I’m a great friend? You get the picture.
6. Being tired and hungry. If I’m super tired and hungry every stupid little thing just makes me want to cry.
7. When anyone speaks with a slighty, just slightly, angered voice.
8. Hearing a song that causes me to reflect or think of certain memories.
9. When old couples are being sweet to each other.
10. American News. I love my country but hate how divided and ignorant so many are.
11. I tear up when I see a dad and his child interacting and displaying a healthy dynamic/emotional bond. Anything sentimental related to family just gets me every time. Even if it’s on a fictional TV show or something.
12. Being held by someone that cares and understands your pain. It’s better than sex.
13. Seeing my cat sleeping peacefully at the foot of my bed. Cats know they are vulnerable when they sleep so they seek somewhere where they’ll be safe and when I see her sleeping peacefully it shows she feels safe with me. It always makes me tear up.
14. Simple things like hearing my name or someone doing something for me makes me so happy that I sometimes let a few tears fall.
15. Someone who listens to you vent and just ramble on and on and genuinely cares.
16. Guitar solos in music. I have absolutely no idea why this happens, but 9 times out of 10 if I hear a good guitar solo in a song it makes me tear up.
17. When I see a gathering of nations, for example, Olympics or Edinburgh Castle Army Drumline Battle… Always get super emotional.
18. I’m a sympathetic crier. If someone around me is tearing up, I am, too. No idea why, wish I could stop because it can make for awkward moments.
19. The Disney logo at the start of movies makes me tear up.
The opening logo for Disney movies – you know, the magical twinkling music and the shot of the castle? Though the older the opening logo, the more teary I get – if it’s the old blue and white graphic I get really blurry.
Worse when it happens in the movie theater, and I’m trying to casually play it off as a nose itch or something with a napkin, hoping no one sitting near me notices (especially if I’m with a friend).
No idea why this happens. I guess just the nostalgic feels.
20. Singing, both when I do it or when I hear it. Listening to someone sing live gets me every time, but if I’m emotional and I sing or hear a song on the radio that hits me the right way, I get a knot in the throat and start to cry. Usually, musicals get me every time.
21. Realizing that my kids will grow up on a planet that will see mass extinctions, regularly occurring extreme weather, and forests, oceans, and plains all dying, knowing that we knew it would happen and didn’t do much to stop it.
22. Standing ovations (when I am in the crowd also clapping) it’s just an overwhelming sense of joy I cry every time no matter the occasion! Theatre, music, speeches, anything that gets a standing O I tear up!
23. When I see strangers helping each other or if someone helps me with something I get a little soft inside.
24. When the Star Bakers on The Great British Baking Show call their families and tell them they got star baker for the week.
25. Babies and toddlers laughing. That happiness is soooo pure.
26. Family reunions in media. Not like a family reunion party thing. But like when two or more family members see each other again after a long time and they hug and kiss each other. I never had this kind of relationship with my family and seeing it always pinch my heart.
27. If someone asks me if I’m ok in a nice or loving way (if I’m stressed or look tired or sad or whatever) I immediately start crying, even if I wasn’t in a bad mood in the first place.
28. It’s not an everyday thing, but I can’t watch a video of someone in the military coming home after years away and surprising a loved one. Guaranteed waterworks.
29. When a parent in a movie says to their kid (adult-kid or literal kid, either one) “I’m proud of you.”
30. Cats meowing. I’m used to it with my own cats, but any other cat I come across that meows will turn me into a blubbering mess.


thoughtcatalog--2020-10-16--6 Bad Habits That Will Slowly Push Away Everyone

1 .
Never texting your friends first .
Maybe you don ’ t want to bother your friends .
Maybe you get nervous sending the first message .
But you don ’ t want your friends to feel like you only bother talking to them when they initiate the conversation .
You need to take the lead every once in a while .
You need to put in an equal amount of work .
Otherwise , they ’ re going to wonder if you even enjoy talking to them .
They ’ re going to start to feel like the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ initiating plans .
Maybe you don ’ t go out much .
Maybe the only time you really leave the house is when someone else invites you places .
But if you ’ re never the one who is setting plans , your friends might feel like they ’ re being left out .
They might feel like they ’ re pulling all of the weight in your friendship .
They might feel like they ’ re giving you more than they ’ re getting in return .
Every once in a while @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even if all that means is inviting them over for pizza .
3 .
Never checking in .
Even though you might be going through a tough time right now , you ’ re not the only one .
Your friends need love and attention , too .
They want to know that you ’ ve been thinking of them .
They want to know that you care about their problems .
You don ’ t want to wait until they ask you how you ’ ve been doing to bounce back the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on them every once in a while .
Make sure they ’ re doing okay .
4 .
Never offering your help .
It ’ s not enough to tell your friends you ’ re there if they need anything because most people will never reach out .
You need to be a bit more specific .
Offer to drive your friends the next time you hang out .
Offer to buy them dessert so they don ’ t have to pick up the check themselves .
Offer to help them study for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or pack boxes when they move .
Remind them that they can rely on you .
Remind them you ’ re serious about being there when they need you .
5 .
Never apologizing .
When you ’ re wrong , make sure you take responsibility for your actions .
Make sure you own up to what you ’ ve done wrong and deliver a genuine apology .
You don ’ t want to make your friends feel even worse than they do already .
Show them you care about their feelings .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ve done to upset them — and make it clear you ’ ll never hurt them again .
6 .
Never agreeing to hang out .
Maybe you ’ ve been swamped with work .
Maybe you aren ’ t a fan of leaving the house .
But if you turn down invitations out every single time , you ’ re going to stop getting invited places .
If you love your friends and appreciate your friends , try to see them every once in a while .
Try to spend some time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ screen .
It will strengthen your friendship .
It will deepen your bond .

1. Never texting your friends first. Maybe you don’t want to bother your friends. Maybe you get nervous sending the first message. But you don’t want your friends to feel like you only bother talking to them when they initiate the conversation. You need to take the lead every once in a while. You need to put in an equal amount of work. Otherwise, they’re going to wonder if you even enjoy talking to them. They’re going to start to feel like the friendship is one-sided.
2. Never initiating plans. Maybe you don’t go out much. Maybe the only time you really leave the house is when someone else invites you places. But if you’re never the one who is setting plans, your friends might feel like they’re being left out. They might feel like they’re pulling all of the weight in your friendship. They might feel like they’re giving you more than they’re getting in return. Every once in a while, try to initiate the plans, even if all that means is inviting them over for pizza.
3. Never checking in. Even though you might be going through a tough time right now, you’re not the only one. Your friends need love and attention, too. They want to know that you’ve been thinking of them. They want to know that you care about their problems. You don’t want to wait until they ask you how you’ve been doing to bounce back the question. Make sure you check in on them every once in a while. Make sure they’re doing okay.
4. Never offering your help. It’s not enough to tell your friends you’re there if they need anything because most people will never reach out. You need to be a bit more specific. Offer to drive your friends the next time you hang out. Offer to buy them dessert so they don’t have to pick up the check themselves. Offer to help them study for a test or prepare for an interview or pack boxes when they move. Remind them that they can rely on you. Remind them you’re serious about being there when they need you.
5. Never apologizing. When you’re wrong, make sure you take responsibility for your actions. Make sure you own up to what you’ve done wrong and deliver a genuine apology. You don’t want to make your friends feel even worse than they do already. Show them you care about their feelings. Express your regrets over what you’ve done to upset them — and make it clear you’ll never hurt them again.
6. Never agreeing to hang out. Maybe you’ve been swamped with work. Maybe you aren’t a fan of leaving the house. But if you turn down invitations out every single time, you’re going to stop getting invited places. If you love your friends and appreciate your friends, try to see them every once in a while. Try to spend some time face-to-face instead of always talking over a screen. It will strengthen your friendship. It will deepen your bond.


thoughtcatalog--2020-10-19--10 Artists To Listen To If You “Listen To Girl In Red” But Don’t *Actually* Listen To Girl In Red

Queer women have always tried to signal to each other that we are one in the same .
The “ lesbian nod ” is archaic ; through social media , we wlw have devised new and creative ways to send subliminal sapphic signals to each other .
TikTok , for whatever reason , has served as a platform for these signals to be created and spread like wildfire .
One , in particular , is asking a potential wlw if they “ listen to girl in red ” as a lowkey way of asking if they are gay or gay-adjacent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ subliminal question may be yes , the answer to the superficial question may be no .
No she to girl in red , but there are many types of queer women with many tastes in music .
So , here are some artists to offer as a rebuttal that may be more of your style .
MUNA is a queer electro-pop trio who just tweeted this : So they know what ’ s good .
They did a cover of Normani ’ s “ Motivation ” on Spotify which is just lovely , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ women when they ’ re singing it .
A newer artist , Remi Wolf sounds like if your best friend made music .
It ’ s just fun and cool .
Her big , wild , colorful music videos are like an acid trip from heaven .
In her song “ Shawty , ” she says “ Shawty wan na kiss me/but only cuz she likes me , ” and isn ’ t that what we all truly want ?
I just discovered 070 Shake , and apparently I ’ m late to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her song “ Guilty Conscious , ” which was a masterpiece already .
She sings , she raps , she ’ s the coolest person alive .
What ’ s not to love ?
I saw King Princess in concert with my girlfriend and 200 other lesbians in NYC and cried along with them as we scream-sang “ 1950.
” After the show , I saw Kristen Stewart standing outside of the concert .
I passed her and I thought “ that lesbian looked like Kristen Stewart.
” And then it WAS Kristen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a zillennial queer woman classic .
I don ’ t know how to describe rap in a way that does not make me sound like an absolute fool , but Young M.A goes hard .
You know what , even that still sounds dorky .
I ’ ll let her music speak for herself .
Your Smith is very light and airy indie pop music that makes you want to listen to it in your car with the windows down .
She has many cute little bops , but this one in particular @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Generation Q : This band is the name you drop if you ’ re trying to impress and older lesbian .
These girls were doin ’ it before many of us were born .
“ Closer To Fine ” is , like , required listening to ascend to the omnipotent level of lesbianism .
Syd started her career in the band The Internet , and her sexy smooth voice took her on her own solo career .
Her singing and swag are both effortless .
Here she is featured on Disclosure ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kehlani ( who also belongs on this list , but I figured everyone knew her already ) : If you were a scene kid , you may have seen PVRIS on Warped Tour and fell head over heels ( or heels over head !
!
Boys Like Girls reference ?
?
Anyone ?
!
? )
for their lead singer Lyn Gunn .
She is still rocking the severe asymmetrical bob and making punk panties drop .
Here ’ s her newest song with 070 Shake .
We love a queer collab !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ pop music .
Like we ’ ll listen to her music in the future and be like “ oh yeah that was definitely made in 2019.
” It ’ s like if Madison Beer was a cool lesbian .
That kind of thing .

Queer women have always tried to signal to each other that we are one in the same. The “lesbian nod” is archaic; through social media, we wlw have devised new and creative ways to send subliminal sapphic signals to each other. TikTok, for whatever reason, has served as a platform for these signals to be created and spread like wildfire. One, in particular, is asking a potential wlw if they “listen to girl in red” as a lowkey way of asking if they are gay or gay-adjacent. And though the answer to the subliminal question may be yes, the answer to the superficial question may be no. No she to girl in red, but there are many types of queer women with many tastes in music. So, here are some artists to offer as a rebuttal that may be more of your style.
MUNA is a queer electro-pop trio who just tweeted this:
did y'all know that lesbian sex — MUNA (@whereisMUNA) October 12, 2020
So they know what’s good. They did a cover of Normani’s “Motivation” on Spotify which is just lovely, especially knowing they’re thinking about women when they’re singing it.
A newer artist, Remi Wolf sounds like if your best friend made music. It’s just fun and cool. Her big, wild, colorful music videos are like an acid trip from heaven. In her song “Shawty,” she says “Shawty wanna kiss me/but only cuz she likes me,” and isn’t that what we all truly want?
I just discovered 070 Shake, and apparently I’m late to the game. Tame Impala just remixed her song “Guilty Conscious,” which was a masterpiece already. She sings, she raps, she’s the coolest person alive. What’s not to love?
I saw King Princess in concert with my girlfriend and 200 other lesbians in NYC and cried along with them as we scream-sang “1950.” After the show, I saw Kristen Stewart standing outside of the concert. I passed her and I thought “that lesbian looked like Kristen Stewart.” And then it WAS Kristen Stewart. Anyway, King Princess is a zillennial queer woman classic.
I don’t know how to describe rap in a way that does not make me sound like an absolute fool, but Young M.A goes hard. You know what, even that still sounds dorky. I’ll let her music speak for herself.
Your Smith is very light and airy indie pop music that makes you want to listen to it in your car with the windows down. She has many cute little bops, but this one in particular was featured on The L Word: Generation Q:
This band is the name you drop if you’re trying to impress and older lesbian. These girls were doin’ it before many of us were born. “Closer To Fine” is, like, required listening to ascend to the omnipotent level of lesbianism.
Syd started her career in the band The Internet, and her sexy smooth voice took her on her own solo career. Her singing and swag are both effortless. Here she is featured on Disclosure’s song Birthday along with fellow queer icon Kehlani (who also belongs on this list, but I figured everyone knew her already):
If you were a scene kid, you may have seen PVRIS on Warped Tour and fell head over heels (or heels over head!! Boys Like Girls reference?? Anyone?!?) for their lead singer Lyn Gunn. She is still rocking the severe asymmetrical bob and making punk panties drop. Here’s her newest song with 070 Shake. We love a queer collab!
G Flip feels very much like present pop music. Like we’ll listen to her music in the future and be like “oh yeah that was definitely made in 2019.” It’s like if Madison Beer was a cool lesbian. That kind of thing.


thoughtcatalog--2020-10-19--Here Are All The Cases Covered On Netflix’s ‘Unsolved Mysteries’ Volume 2

Jack Wheeler was an executive and presidential aide to Ronald Reagan , George H. W. Bush , and George W. Bush .
He was a graduate of the United States Military Academy and Yale Law school .
Wheeler lived with bipolar disorder .
On December 31 , 2010 Wheeler ’ s body was discovered by a worker in a landfill .
His cause of death was homicide by blunt force trauma .
Wheeler ’ s movements in the days leading up to his death : December 28 : He was seen on an Amtrack train in Wilmington , Delaware .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the days before his body was discovered , he heard the TV playing loudly for days at a time though no one appeared to be home .
December 29 : Wheeler was seen at a parking garage connected to the New Castle County courthouse , also near the Amtrack station .
He was wearing one shoe and explained to the attendant that he was not drunk , but had been robbed .
His car was later found to be parked at another parking garage entirely .
You can see him looking paranoid @ @ @ @ @ @ @ December 29 : A pharmacist spoke to Wheeler , who seemed upset and asked for a ride home December 30 : Wheeler was seen at several office buildings where he appeared to be wandering around .
Jack Wheeler was buried at Arlington National Cemetery with full military honors .
Jennifer Fergate is the pseudonym used by an unidentified person whose body was found at the Radisson Blu Plaza Hotel in Oslo , Sweden on June 3 , 1995 .
She was killed by a 9mm pistol with the serial number filed off , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ residue found on her hands .
“ Jennifer Fergate ” was found to be around 30 years old at the time of her death and 5 ’ 3 , 147 pounds .
She appeared to be from a wealthy background , possibly in East Germany .
Lester Eubanks was convicted of the attempted rape and murder of a 14-year-old girl in 1965 .
While awaiting execution after a death penalty conviction , Eubanks was given a furlough to do Christmas shopping .
He ran away during the shopping trip and has been on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his escape in 2018 he was added to the US Marshall ’ s 15 most wanted fugitives list .
A special look into ghost sightings in Ishinomaki , Japan following the tsunami of 2011 .
JoAnn Romain on January 12 , 2010 after participating in a Catholic church service .
Her belongings ( including her purse , phone , and money ) were found in her vehicle .
Over a month later her body was pulled out of the Detroit river .
JoAnn ’ s death was ruled a suicide , however her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the terrain of the river bank and the fact that she was found still wearing high-heeled shoes .
They believe JoAnn was murdered .
This segment covers the disappearances of two children who were kidnapped from a Harlem playground in 1989 .
It is believed they may have been adopted and are still alive today , unaware they were ever kidnapped from their birth parents .

Washington Insider Murder — Jack Wheeler
Jack Wheeler was an executive and presidential aide to Ronald Reagan, George H. W. Bush, and George W. Bush. He was a graduate of the United States Military Academy and Yale Law school. Wheeler lived with bipolar disorder.
On December 31, 2010 Wheeler’s body was discovered by a worker in a landfill. His cause of death was homicide by blunt force trauma.
Wheeler’s movements in the days leading up to his death:
December 28: He was seen on an Amtrack train in Wilmington, Delaware.
December 28: His neighbor claimed that in the days before his body was discovered, he heard the TV playing loudly for days at a time though no one appeared to be home.
December 29: Wheeler was seen at a parking garage connected to the New Castle County courthouse, also near the Amtrack station. He was wearing one shoe and explained to the attendant that he was not drunk, but had been robbed. His car was later found to be parked at another parking garage entirely. You can see him looking paranoid and unsteady in the security footage:
December 29: A pharmacist spoke to Wheeler, who seemed upset and asked for a ride home
December 30: Wheeler was seen at several office buildings where he appeared to be wandering around.
Jack Wheeler was buried at Arlington National Cemetery with full military honors.
A Death in Oslo — “Jennifer Fergate”
Jennifer Fergate is the pseudonym used by an unidentified person whose body was found at the Radisson Blu Plaza Hotel in Oslo, Sweden on June 3, 1995. She was killed by a 9mm pistol with the serial number filed off, there was no blood or gun shot residue found on her hands.
“Jennifer Fergate” was found to be around 30 years old at the time of her death and 5’3, 147 pounds. She appeared to be from a wealthy background, possibly in East Germany.
Death Row Fugitive — Lester Eubanks
Lester Eubanks was convicted of the attempted rape and murder of a 14-year-old girl in 1965. While awaiting execution after a death penalty conviction, Eubanks was given a furlough to do Christmas shopping. He ran away during the shopping trip and has been on the run since. 45 years after his escape in 2018 he was added to the US Marshall’s 15 most wanted fugitives list.
Tsunami Spirits
A special look into ghost sightings in Ishinomaki, Japan following the tsunami of 2011.
Lady in the Lake — JoAnn Romain
JoAnn Romain on January 12, 2010 after participating in a Catholic church service. Her belongings (including her purse, phone, and money) were found in her vehicle. Over a month later her body was pulled out of the Detroit river. JoAnn’s death was ruled a suicide, however her family argues a suicide was impossible given the terrain of the river bank and the fact that she was found still wearing high-heeled shoes. They believe JoAnn was murdered.
Stolen Kids — Christopher Dansby and Shane Walker
This segment covers the disappearances of two children who were kidnapped from a Harlem playground in 1989. It is believed they may have been adopted and are still alive today, unaware they were ever kidnapped from their birth parents.


thoughtcatalog--2020-10-19--How My Shame Story Changed The Dating Game

When we date someone new , we cling to a lot of secrets .
It ’ s a risk to reveal what is left off the dating apps .
In time we open up , but the Aww , that ’ s sweet stories usually emerge first .
They ’ re lighter than the stories heavily draped in shame .
Shame denotes humiliation .
Why seek it out early in courtship ?
But what happens when you bring a shame story to light in the beginning ?
I went public a while back about a shameful experience .
I wrote @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about having an HIV scare .
I was almost 40 and had recently had unprotected sex with a total stranger .
It was a foolish mistake and upsetting experience and hard to write .
I felt strongly about telling the story , but I couldn ’ t quite say why .
Sometimes it ’ s unclear to the storyteller why a story is being told .
I had written about my fear of others ’ judgment .
I felt ashamed and beat myself up for making such a foolish mistake .
Instead of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ experience mostly to myself during the month I waited to take a second HIV test .
Silence turned out to be the most painful part .
But my battle cry became : Giving people the chance to know you ( even the mistakes you recoil from ) , rather than assuming they ’ ll judge you , can help counter the judgment you heap on yourself .
The very first person I met after that article was published seemed to prove the theory wrong .
Shortly after we met on a dating app @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I shared the article .
His response after reading it stung .
“ I would never do that , ” he said , his voice steeped in derision .
The next day , he made a joke that was plainly mean .
I was disappointed but tried to overlook both .
We continued to talk and get to know each other , and in some ways the connection seemed promising .
We had common interests and curiosities , and texting banter made it clear the physical attraction—at least in phone-size photos—was mutual .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ended up meeting once , and it was over before it began .
During the date , he once again brought up what I ’ d written about .
It was clearly a sensitive subject for him .
He commented on , essentially , my stupidity .
After that night he disappeared .
We never spoke again .
Shame researcher and TED Talk sensation Brené Brown points out , “ If we share our shame story with the wrong person , they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t have put it better .
In the weeks after that night , I was distraught—more than reasonable , given we were virtual strangers and the in-person chemistry wasn ’ t even good .
And yet , I often found the voice of a random someone I spent less than a day with echoing in my head .
His judgment had confirmed exactly the fear I wrote about .
They say never to talk about past relationships on first dates .
Negativity is bound to creep up , and that ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I had a first-date never to add to the list .
Except that was no longer an option .
Had I been naive to overlook how sharing this shame story might affect my dating life ?
Dating profiles typically ask for descriptors about ourselves and what we ’ re seeking .
Common words include successful , ambitious , financially secure , adventurous and—for men anyway—the obnoxious and ill-defined “ masculine.
” These say little .
Being a good listener is one of the least frequent descriptors .
And that ’ s unfortunate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it—the ugly and quietly beautiful .
It ’ s harder to judge someone when you understand them .
It was only after unexpectedly meeting someone else a few months later that this came into sharp relief .
And I started to realize what putting that particular story out there had really been about .
Early on , he also asked about my writing .
This time , I shared other articles , hoping to keep buried the one that had caused grief .
Everyone googles now , and he found it on his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my stomach dropped .
I was silent .
Then he said , “ I want you to know I empathize with your story.
” This caught me off guard .
“ That ’ s a tough and lonely place to be , ” he said .
“ I ’ ve had times in my life when I felt that way too.
” A warmth settled over my body as he spoke , like a blanket fresh from the dryer .
He hadn ’ t just read , he had listened .
The next @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for understanding with an earnestness that seemed to confuse him .
As if it should be any other way .
Writing can help us make sense of life .
That I already knew .
But after he and I hung up that night , I lay in bed and wondered , What if my instinct to tell the story I did in such a public way actually had not been without logic ?
Maybe deep down I ’ d hoped being vulnerable would prompt another ’ s vulnerable side to surface .
Reflecting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ least neutralize , judgment .
It might even encourage empathy .
No wonder when that didn ’ t happen it hurt .
I ’ d put myself out there , only to have it crumpled up and thrown back at me .
Everyone messes up and feels shame in one way or another .
Wouldn ’ t it be refreshing if more people were up front about it ?
Imagine if dating apps included the prompt : Tell me one of your mess-ups—show your humanity—in 100 words or less .
That could shift @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , my relationship history follows a path many know all too well—one scattered with shoulds , shouldn ’ ts , criticisms , and could-be-betters .
But instead of walking away come great efforts change .
Anything so that whoever it is will continue being interested .
It can be hard to recognize while shifting around like an over-eager chameleon that the problem is them , not us .
The guy I met on the dating app fell onto a well-worn path .
The article I wrote took on a meaning larger than I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ backfire , I was left facing a more damaging behavior than having unprotected sex with a stranger could ever be .
Through the men I often find myself drawn to , I reinforce the judgment I fear .
Now that a part of my past is out there primed for judgment—from certain folks , anyway—that most important lesson will be hard to forget .
Things didn ’ t work out with the second guy either .
It ’ s okay .
I ’ m grateful we met .
I believe that people—no matter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lives for a reason .
His generosity of spirit and empathy in the face of something that had brought exactly the opposite from someone else was a welcome reminder the world isn ’ t devoid of people who seek to understand rather than judge .
It ’ s a matter of knowing who to look for .
Brown also says that shame can not survive empathy .
If we can have an early-dating litmus test for empathy , I think I found mine .

When we date someone new, we cling to a lot of secrets. It’s a risk to reveal what is left off the dating apps. In time we open up, but the Aww, that’s sweet stories usually emerge first. They’re lighter than the stories heavily draped in shame. Shame denotes humiliation. Why seek it out early in courtship?
But what happens when you bring a shame story to light in the beginning?
I went public a while back about a shameful experience. I wrote an article for a popular relationship column about having an HIV scare. I was almost 40 and had recently had unprotected sex with a total stranger. It was a foolish mistake and upsetting experience and hard to write. I felt strongly about telling the story, but I couldn’t quite say why. Sometimes it’s unclear to the storyteller why a story is being told.
I had written about my fear of others’ judgment. I felt ashamed and beat myself up for making such a foolish mistake. Instead of leaning on friends, I kept the experience mostly to myself during the month I waited to take a second HIV test. Silence turned out to be the most painful part. But my battle cry became: Giving people the chance to know you (even the mistakes you recoil from), rather than assuming they’ll judge you, can help counter the judgment you heap on yourself.
The very first person I met after that article was published seemed to prove the theory wrong.
Shortly after we met on a dating app, he asked about my writing. I shared the article. His response after reading it stung. “I would never do that,” he said, his voice steeped in derision. The next day, he made a joke that was plainly mean. I was disappointed but tried to overlook both. We continued to talk and get to know each other, and in some ways the connection seemed promising. We had common interests and curiosities, and texting banter made it clear the physical attraction—at least in phone-size photos—was mutual. I went with it.
We only ended up meeting once, and it was over before it began. During the date, he once again brought up what I’d written about. It was clearly a sensitive subject for him. He commented on, essentially, my stupidity. After that night he disappeared. We never spoke again.
***
Shame researcher and TED Talk sensation Brené Brown points out, “If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous shame storm.” She couldn’t have put it better.
In the weeks after that night, I was distraught—more than reasonable, given we were virtual strangers and the in-person chemistry wasn’t even good. And yet, I often found the voice of a random someone I spent less than a day with echoing in my head. His judgment had confirmed exactly the fear I wrote about.
They say never to talk about past relationships on first dates. Negativity is bound to creep up, and that’s hardly attractive. Now, it seemed, I had a first-date never to add to the list. Except that was no longer an option.
Had I been naive to overlook how sharing this shame story might affect my dating life?
Dating profiles typically ask for descriptors about ourselves and what we’re seeking. Common words include successful, ambitious, financially secure, adventurous and—for men anyway—the obnoxious and ill-defined “masculine.” These say little. Being a good listener is one of the least frequent descriptors. And that’s unfortunate. Listening elicits understanding. All of it—the ugly and quietly beautiful. It’s harder to judge someone when you understand them.
It was only after unexpectedly meeting someone else a few months later that this came into sharp relief. And I started to realize what putting that particular story out there had really been about.
Early on, he also asked about my writing. This time, I shared other articles, hoping to keep buried the one that had caused grief. Everyone googles now, and he found it on his own. When he mentioned reading, my stomach dropped. I was silent. Then he said, “I want you to know I empathize with your story.” This caught me off guard. “That’s a tough and lonely place to be,” he said. “I’ve had times in my life when I felt that way too.” A warmth settled over my body as he spoke, like a blanket fresh from the dryer. He hadn’t just read, he had listened. The next time we talked, I thanked him for understanding with an earnestness that seemed to confuse him. As if it should be any other way.
***
Writing can help us make sense of life. That I already knew. But after he and I hung up that night, I lay in bed and wondered, What if my instinct to tell the story I did in such a public way actually had not been without logic? Maybe deep down I’d hoped being vulnerable would prompt another’s vulnerable side to surface. Reflecting on judgment might repel, or at least neutralize, judgment. It might even encourage empathy. No wonder when that didn’t happen it hurt. I’d put myself out there, only to have it crumpled up and thrown back at me.
Everyone messes up and feels shame in one way or another. Wouldn’t it be refreshing if more people were up front about it?
Imagine if dating apps included the prompt: Tell me one of your mess-ups—show your humanity—in 100 words or less. That could shift the entire dating experience.
Thinking back, my relationship history follows a path many know all too well—one scattered with shoulds, shouldn’ts, criticisms, and could-be-betters. But instead of walking away come great efforts change. Anything so that whoever it is will continue being interested. It can be hard to recognize while shifting around like an over-eager chameleon that the problem is them, not us. The guy I met on the dating app fell onto a well-worn path.
The article I wrote took on a meaning larger than I could have imagined. After a quick backfire, I was left facing a more damaging behavior than having unprotected sex with a stranger could ever be. Through the men I often find myself drawn to, I reinforce the judgment I fear. Now that a part of my past is out there primed for judgment—from certain folks, anyway—that most important lesson will be hard to forget.
Things didn’t work out with the second guy either. It’s okay. I’m grateful we met. I believe that people—no matter who, no matter how brief—enter our lives for a reason. His generosity of spirit and empathy in the face of something that had brought exactly the opposite from someone else was a welcome reminder the world isn’t devoid of people who seek to understand rather than judge. It’s a matter of knowing who to look for.
Brown also says that shame cannot survive empathy. If we can have an early-dating litmus test for empathy, I think I found mine.