thoughtcatalog--2020-05-05--6 Reminders When You’re Worried He’s Going To Break Your Heart

1 .
You have to learn to separate your old , lingering fears from your reality .
If you ’ re worried you ’ re going to get your heart broken , ask yourself why you feel that way .
Is it because he ’ s been sending mixed signals , flirting with other girls , acting sketchy whenever you ask him simple questions ?
Or is it because you ’ ve been hurt before , because you have a rough history with love , because you have a hard time imagining anyone falling for you ?
If he hasn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he ’ s been treating you right and doing all the right things , then maybe you should resist the urge to run .
Maybe you should take the risk of falling in love .
2 .
You could break his heart , too .
When you date someone , you ’ re entering into an emotional contract .
It might not last forever .
It might be more temporary than either of you are imagining right now .
But you might be the one to break it in the end .
You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ walk away .
You need to remember , you ’ re not the only one who could get hurt here .
He ’ s taking a risk , too , because he believes you ’ re worth it .
Now you need to ask yourself if he is worth it .
3 .
You ’ ve mourned old loves before .
Even if you ’ ve never been in a serious relationship , you ’ ve given your heart to someone before — and they completely shattered it .
At the time , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ again .
You probably assumed you were done with relationships forever .
But here you are .
You already have proof you can bounce back .
You know it ’ s possible .
4 .
If he does break your heart , it proves you aren ’ t a perfect match .
Getting your heart broken isn ’ t the worst thing in the world because it teaches you something .
It opens up your eyes to the reality that you two don ’ t actually belong together .
It ’ s not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s still a learning experience .
It lets you know your real love is still out there .
You haven ’ t found him yet .
5 .
If you don ’ t give him a chance to break your heart , you might break your own heart .
You might assume that pushing him away is going to stop you from growing attached to him and save you from heartbreak in the end .
If he ’ s toxic , this is the right move , but if he really does @ @ @ @ @ @ @ way is going to backfire .
You ’ re still going to be sad in the end .
You ’ re still going to wish things turned out differently in the end .
The only difference is you broke your own heart .
6 .
Your heart is capable of enduring any heartbreak .
You need to trust that you are going to get over him eventually .
Even if you feel like he was your soulmate .
Even if you feel like you are never going to find someone who gets you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you feel like you don ’ t have it in you to love again .
Time will change things .
Time will help you heal .
But you have to be willing to change , willing to heal .
You have to believe it ’ s possible .

1. You have to learn to separate your old, lingering fears from your reality. If you’re worried you’re going to get your heart broken, ask yourself why you feel that way. Is it because he’s been sending mixed signals, flirting with other girls, acting sketchy whenever you ask him simple questions? Or is it because you’ve been hurt before, because you have a rough history with love, because you have a hard time imagining anyone falling for you? If he hasn’t done anything wrong, if he’s been treating you right and doing all the right things, then maybe you should resist the urge to run. Maybe you should take the risk of falling in love.
2. You could break his heart, too. When you date someone, you’re entering into an emotional contract. It might not last forever. It might be more temporary than either of you are imagining right now. But you might be the one to break it in the end. You might be the one who chooses to walk away. You need to remember, you’re not the only one who could get hurt here. He’s taking a risk, too, because he believes you’re worth it. Now you need to ask yourself if he is worth it.
3. You’ve mourned old loves before. Even if you’ve never been in a serious relationship, you’ve given your heart to someone before — and they completely shattered it. At the time, you probably thought you would never love again. You probably assumed you were done with relationships forever. But here you are. You already have proof you can bounce back. You know it’s possible.
4. If he does break your heart, it proves you aren’t a perfect match. Getting your heart broken isn’t the worst thing in the world because it teaches you something. It opens up your eyes to the reality that you two don’t actually belong together. It’s not a fun learning experience, but it’s still a learning experience. It lets you know your real love is still out there. You haven’t found him yet.
5. If you don’t give him a chance to break your heart, you might break your own heart. You might assume that pushing him away is going to stop you from growing attached to him and save you from heartbreak in the end. If he’s toxic, this is the right move, but if he really does deserve a chance, protecting yourself this way is going to backfire. You’re still going to be sad in the end. You’re still going to wish things turned out differently in the end. The only difference is you broke your own heart.
6. Your heart is capable of enduring any heartbreak. You need to trust that you are going to get over him eventually. Even if you feel like he was your soulmate. Even if you feel like you are never going to find someone who gets you the way he did. Even if you feel like you don’t have it in you to love again. Time will change things. Time will help you heal. But you have to be willing to change, willing to heal. You have to believe it’s possible.


thoughtcatalog--2020-05-05--When You Love Someone, You Shouldn’t Test Their Limits

When you love someone , you don ’ t push them until they break .
You don ’ t test how much they can handle .
You don ’ t try to see how much you can get away with before they freak out , before they start an argument with you , before they consider breaking up with you .
You shouldn ’ t want to bring your person anywhere near their breaking point .
You shouldn ’ t want to be the cause of their unhappiness .
You shouldn ’ t want to be the reason why they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to coming undone .
When you love someone , you should be concerned with treating them right , even if that means you need to put a little extra effort into the relationship , even if that means it ’ s a little inconvenient for you at times .
You shouldn ’ t be searching for shortcuts and loopholes .
You shouldn ’ t be trying to cheat the system , to get around their expectations , to make life easier on yourself even if it means making life harder on them .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ have your best interests as a couple at heart , not your own .
You shouldn ’ t behave selfishly .
You shouldn ’ t be doing whatever you want , regardless of how they might feel about your actions .
You shouldn ’ t be advancing your own happiness at the cost of their happiness .
If your happiness can not go hand-in-hand , then you shouldn ’ t be together .
You shouldn ’ t stay with someone if the only way for you to experience happiness is by doing something @ @ @ @ @ @ @ satisfaction , their self-esteem , their sanity .
When you love someone , their happiness should matter as much as your own .
You should want them to be in a good mood .
You should want them to be in high spirits .
You shouldn ’ t be comfortable putting them through hell , as long as you get your way in the end .
It should hurt you to hurt them .
It should be hard to see them cry .
When you love someone , you shouldn ’ t test @ @ @ @ @ @ @ see long you can go without completing any chores , or how often you can flirt with someone else , or how much you can argue with them before they are finished with you .
You should want to do right by them .
You should want to meet their highest expectations , not their minimum expectations .
When you love someone , you should be willing to put in the effort to make them feel loved .
You shouldn ’ t be looking for the easy way out .
You shouldn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ break promises .
You should be giving your person everything they deserve .
You shouldn ’ t want to set the bar too low .
You shouldn ’ t want to get away with murder .
You don ’ t want to be a so-so partner , a bearable partner , a decent partner .
You want to be the best possible partner for your person .
You never want them to feel like they ’ re settling in the relationship .
You want them to feel like they ’ re lucky they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re meant to spend forever alongside .

When you love someone, you don’t push them until they break. You don’t test how much they can handle. You don’t try to see how much you can get away with before they freak out, before they start an argument with you, before they consider breaking up with you.
You shouldn’t want to bring your person anywhere near their breaking point. You shouldn’t want to be the cause of their unhappiness. You shouldn’t want to be the reason why they’re close to tears, close to coming undone.
When you love someone, you should be concerned with treating them right, even if that means you need to put a little extra effort into the relationship, even if that means it’s a little inconvenient for you at times. You shouldn’t be searching for shortcuts and loopholes. You shouldn’t be trying to cheat the system, to get around their expectations, to make life easier on yourself even if it means making life harder on them.
When you love someone, you should have your best interests as a couple at heart, not your own. You shouldn’t behave selfishly. You shouldn’t be doing whatever you want, regardless of how they might feel about your actions. You shouldn’t be advancing your own happiness at the cost of their happiness.
If your happiness cannot go hand-in-hand, then you shouldn’t be together. You shouldn’t stay with someone if the only way for you to experience happiness is by doing something that is going to negatively impact their satisfaction, their self-esteem, their sanity.
When you love someone, their happiness should matter as much as your own. You should want them to be in a good mood. You should want them to be in high spirits. You shouldn’t be comfortable putting them through hell, as long as you get your way in the end. It should hurt you to hurt them. It should be hard to see them cry.
When you love someone, you shouldn’t test their limits. You shouldn’t see long you can go without completing any chores, or how often you can flirt with someone else, or how much you can argue with them before they are finished with you. You should want to do right by them. You should want to meet their highest expectations, not their minimum expectations.
When you love someone, you should be willing to put in the effort to make them feel loved. You shouldn’t be looking for the easy way out. You shouldn’t be trying to bend rules and break promises. You should be giving your person everything they deserve.
You shouldn’t want to set the bar too low. You shouldn’t want to get away with murder. You don’t want to be a so-so partner, a bearable partner, a decent partner. You want to be the best possible partner for your person.
You never want them to feel like they’re settling in the relationship. You want them to feel like they’re lucky they’ve found the person they’re meant to spend forever alongside.


thoughtcatalog--2020-05-05--When You Chase After A Guy You Know Is A Bad Idea

When you chase after a guy you know is a bad idea , you try not to get too attached .
You try not to get used to the thought of him sticking around .
Sure , you might let yourself get excited when he sends a cute text or invites you over to his apartment , but you won ’ t let yourself wish for more than that .
You won ’ t let yourself think too far into the future , because there ’ s no telling how much longer he ’ s going to be in your @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to get your hopes up for no reason .
You don ’ t want to look further into this relationship than you should because this is meant to be fun right now .
It ’ s meant to be carefree and innocent .
You know he is only a temporary form of happiness , but you keep telling yourself that is enough .
You keep telling yourself you don ’ t want anything deeper than that anyway .
When you chase after a guy you know is a bad idea , you lie @ @ @ @ @ @ @ You even lie to yourself .
You convince yourself your feelings aren ’ t that serious .
You pretend it wouldn ’ t make a difference if he walked away from you tomorrow .
You act like you care as much as he seems to care — which isn ’ t much .
When you chase after a guy you know is a bad idea , you ’ re always trying to defend your own actions to yourself .
You tell yourself it ’ s okay if you text him or meet up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s harmless .
No big deal .
Whenever the alarm bells go off in your head , you remind yourself you aren ’ t doing anything wrong .
You constantly make excuses because deep down you know he isn ’ t the right one for you .
You know everything is going to crash and burn eventually .
You know this relationship is far from perfect .
When you chase after a guy you know is a bad idea , you aren ’ t surprised when it all falls apart .
You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it was only a matter of time until your heart was broken .
You prepared yourself for this moment .
But for some reason , it still hurts like hell .
Logically , you know this was for the best .
Your head is okay with him walking away because you ’ re better off without him .
You deserve so much more .
But your heart is a different story .
Even though you could see the heartbreak coming from a mile away , even though everyone warned you about what you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ prepared yourself for everything to go wrong in the end , your heart still wasn ’ t ready for it .
It still hurts .
It ’ s still hard to get over .
When you chase after a guy you know is a bad idea , you might think that you know exactly what you ’ re doing , you might think you can handle your heart , but you might be wrong .
You might be setting yourself up for a whole lot of heartbreak .

When you chase after a guy you know is a bad idea, you try not to get too attached. You try not to get used to the thought of him sticking around. Sure, you might let yourself get excited when he sends a cute text or invites you over to his apartment, but you won’t let yourself wish for more than that. You won’t let yourself think too far into the future, because there’s no telling how much longer he’s going to be in your life.
You don’t want to get your hopes up for no reason. You don’t want to look further into this relationship than you should because this is meant to be fun right now. It’s meant to be carefree and innocent. You know he is only a temporary form of happiness, but you keep telling yourself that is enough. You keep telling yourself you don’t want anything deeper than that anyway.
When you chase after a guy you know is a bad idea, you lie about what he means to you. You even lie to yourself. You convince yourself your feelings aren’t that serious. You pretend it wouldn’t make a difference if he walked away from you tomorrow. You act like you care as much as he seems to care — which isn’t much.
When you chase after a guy you know is a bad idea, you’re always trying to defend your own actions to yourself. You tell yourself it’s okay if you text him or meet up with him or kiss him because it’s harmless. No big deal. Whenever the alarm bells go off in your head, you remind yourself you aren’t doing anything wrong. You constantly make excuses because deep down you know he isn’t the right one for you. You know everything is going to crash and burn eventually. You know this relationship is far from perfect.
When you chase after a guy you know is a bad idea, you aren’t surprised when it all falls apart. You knew it was coming. You knew it was only a matter of time until your heart was broken. You prepared yourself for this moment. But for some reason, it still hurts like hell.
Logically, you know this was for the best. Your head is okay with him walking away because you’re better off without him. You deserve so much more. But your heart is a different story. Even though you could see the heartbreak coming from a mile away, even though everyone warned you about what you were getting into, even though you prepared yourself for everything to go wrong in the end, your heart still wasn’t ready for it. It still hurts. It’s still hard to get over.
When you chase after a guy you know is a bad idea, you might think that you know exactly what you’re doing, you might think you can handle your heart, but you might be wrong. You might be setting yourself up for a whole lot of heartbreak.


thoughtcatalog--2020-05-05--What Makes Each Zodiac Sign Such An Amazing Kisser

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How You’ll Do Everything Based On Your Zodiac Sign includes an exhaustive analysis of each sign’s personality. You’ll learn which high school clique represents them (Pisces are the cool art kids), who would get eaten first in a scary movie (Gemini, obviously) to how each sign prefers to say ‘I love you’ (for Taurus, it’s with good food). Alternating between silly, sweet, and serious, this book is filled with deep dives into the mind of everyone whose birth chart you can get your hands on.


thoughtcatalog--2020-05-06--6 Motivational Reminders For When You’re Having Trouble Concentrating

1 .
Sometimes a break seems counterproductive , but it ’ s actually what ’ s going to get you back on track .
If you ’ ve been pushing yourself to get things done , and still aren ’ t making any progress , then taking a ten , fifteen , or even sixty minute break might be exactly what you need right now .
It might help you relax and recharge .
It might get you back on track .
Even though it might sound counterproductive to take a break , losing out on an hour where you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be worth it if you have a clear head for the rest of the day .
Overall , it ’ ll make you more productive , not less .
2 .
Whatever you ’ re worried about is still going to be there when you ’ re finished with your work .
If you ’ re worried about something that doesn ’ t need to be handled right this minute , there ’ s no sense in thinking about it now .
You can handle it later , once you ’ re finished @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s the same when you ’ re excited about something , whether it ’ s a new TV show or movie or set of songs .
They aren ’ t going anywhere .
They are still going to be there for you to enjoy once your hard work ends .
3 .
Breaking tasks apart can make each one much easier to handle .
If you have a million things you need to get done today , thinking about everything at once is going to give you a headache .
It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it one task at a time .
Put your full focus on whatever needs to be done first , and then move onto the next thing when you ’ re ready .
Don ’ t overwhelm yourself by worrying about every single thing on your to-do list .
You can ’ t be in a million different places at once .
You can ’ t accomplish everything on that list at once .
You need to take things one day at a time , one task at a time , one worry at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ complete anything you have your heart set on accomplishing .
Talent and luck are both important aspects in becoming successful — but hard work is even more important .
You need to put effort into your goals and you need to believe you can accomplish them .
If you can do that , then you ’ re on the right path .
You ’ re taking the right steps .
And you should be proud of yourself .
5 .
There ’ s no need to beat yourself up .
If you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get too mad at yourself .
If you ’ ve procrastinated for longer than you should ’ ve , don ’ t get too mad at yourself .
You can not control the choices you made in the past .
All you can do is learn from them and make better choices in the future .
6 .
You don ’ t have to spend every single day being productive — especially when it feels like the world is crashing down around you .
You don ’ t want to burn yourself out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ set unrealistic , unfair expectations for yourself .
If you ’ re going through a lot right now , then you ’ re allowed to do a little less than usual .
Hell , you ’ re allowed to take the whole day off .
Taking care of yourself isn ’ t selfish .
Relaxing a little isn ’ t lazy .
Sometimes , you need it more than you realize .

1. Sometimes a break seems counterproductive, but it’s actually what’s going to get you back on track. If you’ve been pushing yourself to get things done, and still aren’t making any progress, then taking a ten, fifteen, or even sixty minute break might be exactly what you need right now. It might help you relax and recharge. It might get you back on track. Even though it might sound counterproductive to take a break, losing out on an hour where you were struggling to get anything done will be worth it if you have a clear head for the rest of the day. Overall, it’ll make you more productive, not less.
2. Whatever you’re worried about is still going to be there when you’re finished with your work. If you’re worried about something that doesn’t need to be handled right this minute, there’s no sense in thinking about it now. You can handle it later, once you’re finished with what you need to do. It’s the same when you’re excited about something, whether it’s a new TV show or movie or set of songs. They aren’t going anywhere. They are still going to be there for you to enjoy once your hard work ends.
3. Breaking tasks apart can make each one much easier to handle. If you have a million things you need to get done today, thinking about everything at once is going to give you a headache. It’s better for you to take it one task at a time. Put your full focus on whatever needs to be done first, and then move onto the next thing when you’re ready. Don’t overwhelm yourself by worrying about every single thing on your to-do list. You can’t be in a million different places at once. You can’t accomplish everything on that list at once. You need to take things one day at a time, one task at a time, one worry at a time.
4. You can complete anything you have your heart set on accomplishing. Talent and luck are both important aspects in becoming successful — but hard work is even more important. You need to put effort into your goals and you need to believe you can accomplish them. If you can do that, then you’re on the right path. You’re taking the right steps. And you should be proud of yourself.
5. There’s no need to beat yourself up. If you’re running behind, don’t get too mad at yourself. If you’ve procrastinated for longer than you should’ve, don’t get too mad at yourself. You cannot control the choices you made in the past. All you can do is learn from them and make better choices in the future.
6. You don’t have to spend every single day being productive — especially when it feels like the world is crashing down around you. You don’t want to burn yourself out. You don’t want to set unrealistic, unfair expectations for yourself. If you’re going through a lot right now, then you’re allowed to do a little less than usual. Hell, you’re allowed to take the whole day off. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. Relaxing a little isn’t lazy. Sometimes, you need it more than you realize.


thoughtcatalog--2020-05-06--What Each Zodiac Sign Does When They Are Doubting The Relationship

They pull away from you , create distance from you , go MIA on you .
They sit you down and have a serious heart-to-heart about their flip flopping feelings .
They become grouchy and start argument over every little thing you do .
They try to spend more time with you , try to reignite your spark , try to remember why they fell in love with you in the first place .
They start considering their other options and planning an exit strategy .
Just in case .
They create a list of pros and cons .
They @ @ @ @ @ @ @ move .
They ease up on their affection .
They stop uttering those three little words as often as usual .
They shut down emotionally and close themselves off physically .
They start talking about the future , asking you a lot of questions , trying to see where your head is at and whether you ’ re on the same page .
They are blunt and ask you for some space so they can think about things .
They choose to spend more and more time with their friends instead of you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ much , hanging out with you as much , complimenting you as much .

Aries
They pull away from you, create distance from you, go MIA on you.
Taurus
They sit you down and have a serious heart-to-heart about their flip flopping feelings.
Gemini
They become grouchy and start argument over every little thing you do.
Cancer
They try to spend more time with you, try to reignite your spark, try to remember why they fell in love with you in the first place.
For the person who is always googling astrological compatibility when they meet someone new. How You’ll Do Everything Based On Your Zodiac Sign includes an exhaustive analysis of each sign’s personality. You’ll learn which high school clique represents them (Pisces are the cool art kids), who would get eaten first in a scary movie (Gemini, obviously) to how each sign prefers to say ‘I love you’ (for Taurus, it’s with good food). Alternating between silly, sweet, and serious, this book is filled with deep dives into the mind of everyone whose birth chart you can get your hands on. Buy now
Leo
They start considering their other options and planning an exit strategy. Just in case.
Virgo
They create a list of pros and cons. They logically try to figure out their best move.
Libra
They ease up on their affection. They stop uttering those three little words as often as usual.
Scorpio
They shut down emotionally and close themselves off physically.
Sagittarius
They start talking about the future, asking you a lot of questions, trying to see where your head is at and whether you’re on the same page.
Capricorn
They are blunt and ask you for some space so they can think about things.
Aquarius
They choose to spend more and more time with their friends instead of you.
Pisces
They slowly stop texting you as much, hanging out with you as much, complimenting you as much.


thoughtcatalog--2020-05-08--What The Scorpio Supermoon Will Bring For Each Zodiac Sign

The Supermoon in Scorpio on May 7th .
This is a Full Moon and a big one that will have the collective gasping for air .
We are all pushed to letting go and to start new chapters and phases in our lives fearlessly and unapologetically .
The first step is acknowledgement and then we can move on from where we are and embark on this new journey .
With the Sun still in the sign of Taurus , we are focusing more on our physical , mental and emotional health .
This is a good time to reach out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we need it and to not be ashamed of releasing .
Greater things are in the works , as long as we have the focus and strength to keep powering through the changes happening throughout the World .
Aries – You are ready for the changes that are to come .
This Full Moon in Scorpio has you tackling issues from the past .
With the Venus Retrograde several days away , you might experience a flood of emotional hurts resurfacing .
Do not worry , this is your moment to release and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , you will learn to heal and bounce back .
Let the tears roll and evaporate because tomorrow is another day and your moment in the Sun is still to come .
Taurus – Considering all of these Retrogrades happening in the month of May , remember your moment is now , to make shifts , to let things go and the Full Moon in Scorpio has you questioning the past , the present and your future .
Look to those areas in your life where you need to make adjustments .
It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of your goals because you hate changes and this all might make you second guess yourself .
Use this Full Moon to come to terms with what you really want and keep your eyes on the prize .
Gemini – A major focal point for you now is your emotional well-being .
This Venus Retrograde will be a doozy and you will already feel exhausted by all that is happening and what is yet to come .
May is a very important month for your sign .
These Retrogrades will put you back @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be managed and face whatever you have avoided ( especially in love ) .
Like most of the signs , you will have your “ A-ha !
” moments when Venus goes direct , and the New Moon is in your sign .
Cancer – Evaluate how you can bring appreciation and excitement to your life during this transit .
The Full Moon in Scorpio is a reminder to bring more enjoyment to your life even if it feels like a chore these days .
You will become more appreciative for the friends @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the confidence will provide some healing energy .
There is a lot of growth , healing and expansion for you after this .
Leo – There will be a moment when you need to center yourself .
This Full Moon in Scorpio will help you take charge , create an environment that will be suitable to your emotional needs and there will be time for you to take a break from the chaos .
Taurus Season will help you more forward , and the Full Moon will help you focus on aspects of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the time to bring the focus back to you and allow yourself to feel centered .
Virgo – With the Full Moon in Scorpio , you will use this time to prepare for what is next in your life .
You will use your astuteness and analytical prowess to bring back control .
With this new energy , it will be easy for you to start your goals , in a good and practical manner and grow .
This year has been riddled with challenges so far , but you will be ready @ @ @ @ @ @ @ now focus on bringing harmony and peace .
Libra – During this transit you will be evaluating yourself .
What you need to do is not become your worst critic .
Remember your achievements and successes .
Focus on getting some goals started and pending projects completed .
This is a time to focus on bringing more order and structure into your life .
The Full Moon in Scorpio is a powerful transit for us all .
Use this opportunity to tap in your greatness .
Scorpio – The Full Moon is in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you that you did not want to face .
This is also the perfect opportunity to witness your growth and how much you have done and achieved .
You will be on Cloud 9 if you get the recognition you have been waiting for due to all the hard work and effort you have put in the last year or so .
Courage and power will be your mantra after this transit .
Sagittarius – You will want to retreat from the world with this transit , opting for the comforts of your @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as much .
Treat yourself with a break , meditation or simply enjoying a good book .
Everything might feel overwhelming for you during these transits so make sure to bring the best to help you feel great .
Capricorn – There can be a new way of viewing close relationship with the Full Moon in Scorpio .
You might see some friends leave from your life and new ones entering .
This is a moment of evaluating these connections and to make certain you want to see the end of things .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ need to repair broken friendships or bonds , you can always reach out and start anew .
Aquarius – Here you bring the focus and center back to you .
It might make you a bit uncomfortable , as you take on more responsibilities that will make or break your reputation .
The Full Moon in Scorpio demands a more mature person out of you .
If you were not willing to embrace this before , Saturn in Aquarius will push you also .
Come to terms with doing more , which can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ – With the Full Moon in Scorpio you will be more introspective .
Here is the sign that will spark some very interesting things for you to research .
Given the current circumstances in the world , you might be inspired to find new challenges through studying things that will help you reshape your goals and foundation .
This is a period where you can reach the next level in your evolution by uniting the current state of the world with the higher mind .

The Supermoon in Scorpio on May 7th. This is a Full Moon and a big one that will have the collective gasping for air. We are all pushed to letting go and to start new chapters and phases in our lives fearlessly and unapologetically. The first step is acknowledgement and then we can move on from where we are and embark on this new journey. With the Sun still in the sign of Taurus, we are focusing more on our physical, mental and emotional health. This is a good time to reach out to others, to seek help if we need it and to not be ashamed of releasing. Greater things are in the works, as long as we have the focus and strength to keep powering through the changes happening throughout the World.
Aries – You are ready for the changes that are to come. This Full Moon in Scorpio has you tackling issues from the past. With the Venus Retrograde several days away, you might experience a flood of emotional hurts resurfacing. Do not worry, this is your moment to release and to close old chapters. After this, you will learn to heal and bounce back. Let the tears roll and evaporate because tomorrow is another day and your moment in the Sun is still to come.
Taurus – Considering all of these Retrogrades happening in the month of May, remember your moment is now, to make shifts, to let things go and the Full Moon in Scorpio has you questioning the past, the present and your future. Look to those areas in your life where you need to make adjustments. It might feel like you are losing sight of your goals because you hate changes and this all might make you second guess yourself. Use this Full Moon to come to terms with what you really want and keep your eyes on the prize.
Gemini – A major focal point for you now is your emotional well-being. This Venus Retrograde will be a doozy and you will already feel exhausted by all that is happening and what is yet to come. May is a very important month for your sign. These Retrogrades will put you back on track, rework what needs to be managed and face whatever you have avoided (especially in love). Like most of the signs, you will have your “A-ha!” moments when Venus goes direct, and the New Moon is in your sign.
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Cancer – Evaluate how you can bring appreciation and excitement to your life during this transit. The Full Moon in Scorpio is a reminder to bring more enjoyment to your life even if it feels like a chore these days. You will become more appreciative for the friends and family that surround you, and the confidence will provide some healing energy. There is a lot of growth, healing and expansion for you after this.
Leo – There will be a moment when you need to center yourself. This Full Moon in Scorpio will help you take charge, create an environment that will be suitable to your emotional needs and there will be time for you to take a break from the chaos. Taurus Season will help you more forward, and the Full Moon will help you focus on aspects of yourself you need to strengthen. Take the time to bring the focus back to you and allow yourself to feel centered.
Virgo – With the Full Moon in Scorpio, you will use this time to prepare for what is next in your life. You will use your astuteness and analytical prowess to bring back control. With this new energy, it will be easy for you to start your goals, in a good and practical manner and grow. This year has been riddled with challenges so far, but you will be ready, planning and looking ahead. For now focus on bringing harmony and peace.
Libra – During this transit you will be evaluating yourself. What you need to do is not become your worst critic. Remember your achievements and successes. Focus on getting some goals started and pending projects completed. This is a time to focus on bringing more order and structure into your life. The Full Moon in Scorpio is a powerful transit for us all. Use this opportunity to tap in your greatness.
Scorpio – The Full Moon is in your sign, exposing some parts of you that you did not want to face. This is also the perfect opportunity to witness your growth and how much you have done and achieved. You will be on Cloud 9 if you get the recognition you have been waiting for due to all the hard work and effort you have put in the last year or so. Courage and power will be your mantra after this transit.
Sagittarius – You will want to retreat from the world with this transit, opting for the comforts of your personal space and not connecting to others as much. Treat yourself with a break, meditation or simply enjoying a good book. Everything might feel overwhelming for you during these transits so make sure to bring the best to help you feel great.
Capricorn – There can be a new way of viewing close relationship with the Full Moon in Scorpio. You might see some friends leave from your life and new ones entering. This is a moment of evaluating these connections and to make certain you want to see the end of things. Of course, if you feel the need to repair broken friendships or bonds, you can always reach out and start anew.
Aquarius – Here you bring the focus and center back to you. It might make you a bit uncomfortable, as you take on more responsibilities that will make or break your reputation. The Full Moon in Scorpio demands a more mature person out of you. If you were not willing to embrace this before, Saturn in Aquarius will push you also. Come to terms with doing more, which can help in the long run.
Pisces – With the Full Moon in Scorpio you will be more introspective. Here is the sign that will spark some very interesting things for you to research. Given the current circumstances in the world, you might be inspired to find new challenges through studying things that will help you reshape your goals and foundation. This is a period where you can reach the next level in your evolution by uniting the current state of the world with the higher mind.


thoughtcatalog--2020-05-07--Something Creepy Has Been Happening On Animal Crossing

Like pretty much everyone else on the planet , I ’ ve been spending most of my time playing Animal Crossing .
I ’ ve been shaking trees , catching fish , smashing rocks , and making virtual friends since it ’ s impossible to see my real ones .
The game has been soothing for me .
A meditative experience .
At least , that ’ s how it started out in the beginning .
Lately ?
Some weird things have been happening .
It started when a new villager moved into my town .
A spider , a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ before , not even on the forums I read about the game .
I figured there must have been an update to add new characters , so I assumed the weird things going wrong were glitches at first .
Problems with the programming .
There ’ s a bulletin board outside of Resident Services where you can scribble messages .
One morning , I noticed a bird perched on the board , signaling a new note .
I clicked it open and saw… red .
All red .
Only red .
Like someone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , blotting out everything .
Honestly , it didn ’ t bother me much .
I pretty much forgot about it and went on with the rest of my digital day .
I returned a lost item someone had dropped on the ground .
I planted a money tree .
I sold turnips .
Except that part was weird , too .
Each one was bought for 666 bells .
The number of the beast .
I took a screenshot to show my friends , then went right back to the game .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ new ponds , and then knocked on my newest villager ’ s door .
They only had moving boxes set up the last time I visited them , so I wanted to see how they decorated their home .
Did they do something cutesy ?
Something cool ?
I walked inside to the last thing I would ’ ve expected .
There were chairs set up in rows , facing a huge , black casket .
Flowers were hanging from each wall along with flickering candles in sconces .
And in the center @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a photograph of another villager , my favorite octopus .
As if it was a fucking funeral in his honor .
I took a few more screenshots , then tried talking to the spider .
He never answered me .
His dialogue never appeared .
He just kept repeating the cold chill reaction .
I instantly turned off the game .
A few hours later , one of my friends texted me back after seeing my screenshots .
They sent me a link to an article about people experiencing the same problems as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out exactly what was happening , either , and the developers hadn ’ t issued a response yet .
But they knew this much : A new character appeared , a spider , and held a funeral for the villager you spend your most time interacting with throughout the game .
Then that character , your best friend , your favorite , disappeared .
I didn ’ t know that last part .
I logged back into the game and bolted to my octopus ’ house .
It was still standing , which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had happened .
Maybe the article was wrong .
But when I walked inside the house , all of the old furniture was gone .
Instead , there were candles placed in a circle , surrounding a crystal ball , like a seance was about to take place .
Even creepier , there were red smears on the walls and the ground .
They spelled out the words : THIS ISN ’ T A GAME .
My hands were shaking — out of fear and anger .
It sounds silly , but I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that game .
I loved that octopus .
Whatever was happening wasn ’ t just creepy .
It was unfair .
I walked around the rest of my island to make sure nothing else weird was going on and noticed my mailbox flashing .
I opened it to find a letter .
With zero capitalization or punctuation , it said : youre paying too much attention to this world and are blind to your own this isnt the mailbox you should be checking reality is so much stranger than fiction I turned the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pajamas for a pair of sweatpants , and walked outside to check my mailbox .
In between the junk mail and bills , there was a letter without a stamp .
That meant someone had been to my house .
It meant they knew where I lived .
I ripped open the envelop .
Inside , there wasn ’ t a threatening letter or a warning .
There wasn ’ t any paper at all .
There was only thing squashed inside , the size of my thumbnail .
A dead spider .

Like pretty much everyone else on the planet, I’ve been spending most of my time playing Animal Crossing. I’ve been shaking trees, catching fish, smashing rocks, and making virtual friends since it’s impossible to see my real ones.
The game has been soothing for me. A meditative experience. At least, that’s how it started out in the beginning. Lately? Some weird things have been happening.
It started when a new villager moved into my town. A spider, a creature that I’d never seen before, not even on the forums I read about the game. I figured there must have been an update to add new characters, so I assumed the weird things going wrong were glitches at first. Problems with the programming.
There’s a bulletin board outside of Resident Services where you can scribble messages. One morning, I noticed a bird perched on the board, signaling a new note. I clicked it open and saw… red. All red. Only red. Like someone had swiped a paintbrush across the paper, blotting out everything.
Honestly, it didn’t bother me much. I pretty much forgot about it and went on with the rest of my digital day. I returned a lost item someone had dropped on the ground. I planted a money tree. I sold turnips. Except that part was weird, too. Each one was bought for 666 bells. The number of the beast.
I took a screenshot to show my friends, then went right back to the game. I did some terraforming, added some new ponds, and then knocked on my newest villager’s door. They only had moving boxes set up the last time I visited them, so I wanted to see how they decorated their home. Did they do something cutesy? Something cool?
I walked inside to the last thing I would’ve expected. There were chairs set up in rows, facing a huge, black casket. Flowers were hanging from each wall along with flickering candles in sconces. And in the center of it all was a canvas with a photograph of another villager, my favorite octopus. As if it was a fucking funeral in his honor.
I took a few more screenshots, then tried talking to the spider. He never answered me. His dialogue never appeared. He just kept repeating the cold chill reaction. I instantly turned off the game.
A few hours later, one of my friends texted me back after seeing my screenshots. They sent me a link to an article about people experiencing the same problems as me. They hadn’t figured out exactly what was happening, either, and the developers hadn’t issued a response yet. But they knew this much: A new character appeared, a spider, and held a funeral for the villager you spend your most time interacting with throughout the game. Then that character, your best friend, your favorite, disappeared.
I didn’t know that last part.
I logged back into the game and bolted to my octopus’ house. It was still standing, which was a relief. Maybe nothing bad had happened. Maybe the article was wrong.
But when I walked inside the house, all of the old furniture was gone. Instead, there were candles placed in a circle, surrounding a crystal ball, like a seance was about to take place. Even creepier, there were red smears on the walls and the ground. They spelled out the words: THIS ISN’T A GAME.
My hands were shaking — out of fear and anger. It sounds silly, but I’d invested so many hours into that game. I loved that octopus. Whatever was happening wasn’t just creepy. It was unfair.
I walked around the rest of my island to make sure nothing else weird was going on and noticed my mailbox flashing. I opened it to find a letter. With zero capitalization or punctuation, it said: youre paying too much attention to this world and are blind to your own this isnt the mailbox you should be checking reality is so much stranger than fiction
I turned the game off once more, swapped my pajamas for a pair of sweatpants, and walked outside to check my mailbox. In between the junk mail and bills, there was a letter without a stamp. That meant someone had been to my house. It meant they knew where I lived.
I ripped open the envelop. Inside, there wasn’t a threatening letter or a warning. There wasn’t any paper at all. There was only thing squashed inside, the size of my thumbnail. A dead spider.


thoughtcatalog--2020-05-07--The Hot, Steamy, Or Just Plain Romantic Danielle Steel Book Each Zodiac Should Read

“ Top TV anchorwoman Melanie Adams had given up on love after a failed marriage and an unhappy affair .
With her two teenage children and her television news career , she had no room in her life for a man .
Then she met famous heart surgeon Peter Hallam , a widower with three children of his own .
Suddenly Melanie was experiencing feelings she thought were gone forever .
But two families ( one in New York and one in Los Angeles ) , two exciting careers , and two strong-willed people were too much to handle .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ her glamorous life in the public eye , her private life , the needs of her family , and the new family she took on .
Changes lead each of them to new places , new problems , new people , and the new life they begin.
” “ The time is the 1950s , when life was simpler , people still believed in dreams , and family was , very nearly , everything .
The place is a small midwestern town with a high school and a downtown , a skating pond @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a tree-lined street in the heartland of America , an extraordinary set of events begins to unfold .
And gradually what seems serendipitous is tinged with purpose .
A happy home is shattered by a child ’ s senseless death .
A loving marriage starts to unravel .
And a stranger arrives—a young woman who will touch many lives before she moves on .
She and a young man will meet and fall in love .
Their love , so innocent and full of hope , helps to restore a family ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will be changed forever by the precious gift she leaves them.
” “ In a matter of days , Peter McDowell loses everything he has worked so hard for—his wealth , his property , his livelihood as a star investment banker .
And then it gets worse .
The stock market crash not only plunges Peter into joblessness , it causes a rift in his marriage that he can not repair .
Stripped of everything , he has only one place to retreat : a lakeside cottage he inherited from his parents , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to Peter ’ s twin .
With no other choice , the prodigal son goes home .
A beloved small-town doctor , a devoted family man , and a pillar of his community , Michael McDowell serves others without regard to personal gain .
Only Peter knows how Michael manipulated their parents when the boys were young , ultimately driving Peter away .
At first , he dreads seeing Michael again .
But , to his surprise , their reunion is tender and real .
Only later , as Peter mulls over his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the truth begin to emerge , as realization and panic begin to set in .
Who is his twin ?
Is the façade real , or does something terrifying lie beneath ?
Imagination or a reality too terrifying to believe ?
In a race for time , Peter throws caution to the winds to find the truth .
What he discovers will change their lives forever , the lives of their children , and an entire town.
” “ Smart , likable Bernie Fine was the wonder boy of Wolff ’ s , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ store .
A senior VP on the way up , he arrives in San Francisco to open a West Coast store .
His career is skyrocketing , but his life lacks a center .
When he looks into the wide , innocent eyes of five-year-old Jane O ’ Reilly , and then into the equally enchanting eyes of her mother , Liz , Bernie knows he has found what he has been looking for .
Bernie thought he had found love to last a lifetime , but when Liz is stricken with cancer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with two children , Bernie must face the loss and learn that life has other fine things to offer.
” “ Twenty-one-year-old Candy is blazing her way through Paris , New York , and Tokyo as fashion ’ s latest international supermodel .
Her sister Tammy , twenty-nine , has a job producing the most successful hit show on TV .
In New York , oldest sister Sabrina , thirty-four , is an ambitious young lawyer , while Annie , at twenty-six , is an American in Florence , living for her art @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the four sisters come home to Connecticut for their family ’ s annual gathering .
But before the holiday is over , tragedy strikes and their world is utterly changed .
Suddenly , four sisters who have been fervently pursuing success and their own lives come together to share one New York brownstone , to support each other , and to pick up the pieces while one of them struggles to heal her shattered body and soul .
A bustling house is soon filled with eccentric dogs , laughter , tears , friends @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and unconditional love only sisters can provide .
But as the four women settle in , they are forced to confront the direction of their respective lives.
” Bill Thigpen , writer producer of the No.1 daytime TV drama was so busy watching his career soar that he never noticed his marriage collapse .
Now , nine years later , living alone in Hollywood , even without his wife and kids , his life and success are still reasonably sweet .
Top-of-the-chart ratings , good-natured casual affairs , and special vacations with his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in perfect balance , he thinks .
Adrian Townshed thought she had everything : a job she liked as a TV production assistant and a handsome husband who was a rising star in his own field .
In as enviable life they ’ d worked hard for—the American Dream .
Until she got pregnant .
Suddenly all she had was chaos .
And Steven ’ s ultimatum .
Him or the baby .
The question was : did he mean it ?
He did .
Bill Thigpen and Adrian Townshed collided in a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her suddenly makes him want more in his life… .
a woman he really loves , a real family again .
But does he need the heartache of another man ’ s baby , another wife ?
Neither does .
But they couldn ’ t help it.
” “ From her secret perch at the top of the stairs , Gabriella Harrison watches the guests arrive at her parents ’ lavish Manhattan townhouse .
At seven , she knows she is an intruder in her parents ’ party , in her parents ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ resist the magic .
Later , she waits for the click , click , click of her mother ’ s high heels , the angry words , and the pain that will follow .
Gabriella already knows to hide her bruises , certain she is to blame for her mother ’ s rage–and her father ’ s failure to protect her .
Her world is a confusing blend of terror , betrayal , and pain .
Her parents ’ aristocratic world is no safeguard against the abuse that knows no boundaries , respects @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Gabriella knows that , try as she might , there is no safe place for her to hide .
Even as a child , her only escape is through the stories she writes .
Only writing can dull the pain of her lonely world .
And when her parents ’ marriage collapses , Gabriella is given her first reprieve , as her father disappears , and then her mother abandons her to a convent .
There , Gabriella ’ s battered body and soul begin to mend .
Amid the quiet safety and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ grows into womanhood in a safe , peaceful world .
Then a young priest comes into her life .
Father Joe Connors never questioned his vocation until Gabriella entered the confessional and shared her soul .
Confession leads to friendship .
And friendship grows dangerously into love .
Like Gabriella , Joe is haunted by the pain of his childhood , consumed by guilt over a family tragedy , for which he blames himself .
With Gabriella , Joe takes the first steps toward healing .
But their relationship leads to tragedy as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Gabriella , and life in the real world where he fears he does not belong , and can not cope .
Exiled and disgraced , and nearly destroyed , Gabriella struggles to survive on her own in New York .
There she seeks healing and escape through her writing again , this time as an adult , and her life as a writer begins .
But just when she thinks she is beyond hurt , Gabriella is once again betrayed by someone she trusts .
Brought to the edge of despair , physically @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by abuse in her present and her past , she nonetheless manages to find hope again , and the courage to face the past .
On a pilgrimage destined to bring her face-to-face with those who sought to destroy her in her early life , she finds forgiveness , freedom from guilt , and healing from abuse .
When Gabriella faces what was done to her , and why , she herself is free at last.
” “ As a journalist , Paxton Andrews would experience Vietnam firsthand .
We follow her from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Berkeley and then to work in Saigon .
For the soldiers she knew and met there , Viet Nam would change their lives in ways they could never have imagined .
For the men in her life , Viet Nam would change their lives in ways hey could not escape or deny .
Peter Wilson , fresh from law school , was a new recruit who would confont his fate in Da Nang .
Ralph Johnson , a seasoned AP correspondent , had been in Saigon since the beginning .
He knew Vietnam @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Quinn , captain of the Cu Chi tunnel rats , was on his fourth tour of duty and it seemed nothing could touch him .
Sergeant Tony Campobello had come to Vietnam from the streets of New York to vent a rage that had followed him all the way to Saigon .
For seven years Paxton Andrews would write an acclaimed newspaper column from the front before finally returning to the States and then attending the Paris peace talks .
But for her and the men who fought in Viet Nam , life @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ When a beautiful young Frenchwoman and a brilliant American actor meet in wartime Paris , their love begins like a fairy tale but ends in tragedy .
Suddenly orphaned , their three children are cruelly separated .
Megan , the baby , adopted by a family of comfortable means , becomes a doctor in the rural Appalachia .
Alexandra , raised in lavish wealth , marries a powerful man whose pride is in his pedigree and who assumes that Alexandra is her parents ’ natural offspring .
Neither of them has the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or what turbulent tragedy lurks in her past .
And Hilary , oldest of the Walker children , remembers them all , and the grief that tore them apart and cast them into separate lives .
Feeling the loss throughout her life , and unable to find her sisters , she builds an extraordinary career and has no personal life .
When John Chapman , lawyer and prestigious private investigator , is asked to find these three women , he wonders why .
Their parents ’ only friend , he did nothing to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been haunted by remorse all his life .
The investigator follows a trail that leads from chic New York to Boston slums , from elegant Parisian salons to the Appalachian hills , to the place where the three sisters face each other and one more final , devastating truth before they can move on.
” “ At seventeen , the night of her mother ’ s funeral , Grace Adams is attacked .
It is not the first time , and a brutal crime ensues .
And to everyone ’ s horror , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ She is a young woman with secrets too horrible to tell , with hurts so deep they may never heal .
She is also beautiful enough for men to want her no matter how much she does not want them .
Whatever the outcome , Grace Adams will have to live with whatever happened during those terrible years .
After a lifetime of being a victim , now she must pay the price for other people ’ s sins .
From the depths of an Illinois women ’ s prison to a Chicago @ @ @ @ @ @ @ New York , Grace must carry the past with her wherever she goes .
And in healing her own pain , she reaches out to battered women and children who live a nightmare she knows all too well .
When Grace meets Charles Mackenzie , a New York lawyer , she has found a man who wants nothing from her-except to heal her , to hear her secrets , and to give her the family she so desperately wants .
But , with happiness finally within her grasp , and precious loved ones @ @ @ @ @ @ @ most vulnerable-in danger of losing everything to a vicious tabloid press and an enemy from her past , an enemy bent on malice at all costs.
” “ As a young intern at an art gallery in Paris , Isabelle McAvoy meets Putnam Armstrong , wealthy , gentle , older , and secluded from the world .
Isabelle ’ s relationship with Putnam , and her time at his château on the Normandy coast , are the stuff of dreams .
But it turns real when she becomes pregnant , for she knows @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
When Isabelle returns to New York , she enters a new relationship that she hopes will be more stable and traditional .
But she soon realizes she has made a terrible mistake and again finds herself a single mother .
With two young daughters and no husband , Isabelle finally and unexpectedly finds happiness and a love that gives her a third child , a baby as happy as her beloved father .
And yet , once again , life brings dramatic changes .
The three girls grow up to be very @ @ @ @ @ @ @ relationship with each of them is unique .
While raising her girls alone , Isabelle also begins building a career as a successful art consultant .
Then one final turn of fate brings a past secret to light , bonds mother and daughters closer , and turns a challenge into a blessing.
” “ Deanna was eighteen when she married a handsome Frenchman , attorney Marc-Edouard Duras .
Now , at thirty-seven , she should be happy with Marc , her elegant home in San Francisco , and their teenage daughter , Pilar @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when she realizes her failing marriage is a trap she must escape .
”

Aries
Changes
“Top TV anchorwoman Melanie Adams had given up on love after a failed marriage and an unhappy affair. With her two teenage children and her television news career, she had no room in her life for a man. Then she met famous heart surgeon Peter Hallam, a widower with three children of his own. Suddenly Melanie was experiencing feelings she thought were gone forever. But two families (one in New York and one in Los Angeles), two exciting careers, and two strong-willed people were too much to handle. And Melanie faced a painful choice between her glamorous life in the public eye, her private life, the needs of her family, and the new family she took on. Changes lead each of them to new places, new problems, new people, and the new life they begin.”
Taurus
The Gift
“The time is the 1950s, when life was simpler, people still believed in dreams, and family was, very nearly, everything. The place is a small midwestern town with a high school and a downtown, a skating pond and a movie house. And on a tree-lined street in the heartland of America, an extraordinary set of events begins to unfold. And gradually what seems serendipitous is tinged with purpose. A happy home is shattered by a child’s senseless death. A loving marriage starts to unravel. And a stranger arrives—a young woman who will touch many lives before she moves on. She and a young man will meet and fall in love. Their love, so innocent and full of hope, helps to restore a family’s dreams. And all of their lives will be changed forever by the precious gift she leaves them.”
Gemini
Prodigal Son
“In a matter of days, Peter McDowell loses everything he has worked so hard for—his wealth, his property, his livelihood as a star investment banker. And then it gets worse. The stock market crash not only plunges Peter into joblessness, it causes a rift in his marriage that he cannot repair. Stripped of everything, he has only one place to retreat: a lakeside cottage he inherited from his parents, who left most of their modest estate to Peter’s twin. With no other choice, the prodigal son goes home.
A beloved small-town doctor, a devoted family man, and a pillar of his community, Michael McDowell serves others without regard to personal gain. Only Peter knows how Michael manipulated their parents when the boys were young, ultimately driving Peter away. At first, he dreads seeing Michael again. But, to his surprise, their reunion is tender and real. Only later, as Peter mulls over his late mother’s journals, does the truth begin to emerge, as realization and panic begin to set in. Who is his twin? Is the façade real, or does something terrifying lie beneath? Imagination or a reality too terrifying to believe?
In a race for time, Peter throws caution to the winds to find the truth. What he discovers will change their lives forever, the lives of their children, and an entire town.”
Cancer
Fine Things
“Smart, likable Bernie Fine was the wonder boy of Wolff’s, New York’s most glamorous department store. A senior VP on the way up, he arrives in San Francisco to open a West Coast store. His career is skyrocketing, but his life lacks a center. When he looks into the wide, innocent eyes of five-year-old Jane O’Reilly, and then into the equally enchanting eyes of her mother, Liz, Bernie knows he has found what he has been looking for.
Bernie thought he had found love to last a lifetime, but when Liz is stricken with cancer, time becomes painfully short. Alone with two children, Bernie must face the loss and learn that life has other fine things to offer.”
Leo
Sisters
“Twenty-one-year-old Candy is blazing her way through Paris, New York, and Tokyo as fashion’s latest international supermodel. Her sister Tammy, twenty-nine, has a job producing the most successful hit show on TV. In New York, oldest sister Sabrina, thirty-four, is an ambitious young lawyer, while Annie, at twenty-six, is an American in Florence, living for her art. One Fourth of July weekend, the four sisters come home to Connecticut for their family’s annual gathering. But before the holiday is over, tragedy strikes and their world is utterly changed.
Suddenly, four sisters who have been fervently pursuing success and their own lives come together to share one New York brownstone, to support each other, and to pick up the pieces while one of them struggles to heal her shattered body and soul. A bustling house is soon filled with eccentric dogs, laughter, tears, friends, men… and the kind of honesty and unconditional love only sisters can provide. But as the four women settle in, they are forced to confront the direction of their respective lives.”
Virgo
Heartbeat
Bill Thigpen, writer producer of the No.1 daytime TV drama was so busy watching his career soar that he never noticed his marriage collapse. Now, nine years later, living alone in Hollywood, even without his wife and kids, his life and success are still reasonably sweet. Top-of-the-chart ratings, good-natured casual affairs, and special vacations with his two young sons. His life is in perfect balance, he thinks.
Adrian Townshed thought she had everything: a job she liked as a TV production assistant and a handsome husband who was a rising star in his own field. In as enviable life they’d worked hard for—the American Dream. Until she got pregnant. Suddenly all she had was chaos. And Steven’s ultimatum. Him or the baby. The question was: did he mean it? He did.
Bill Thigpen and Adrian Townshed collided in a supermarket. And the very sight of her suddenly makes him want more in his life…. a woman he really loves, a real family again. But does he need the heartache of another man’s baby, another wife? Neither does. But they couldn’t help it.”
Libra
The Long Road Home
“From her secret perch at the top of the stairs, Gabriella Harrison watches the guests arrive at her parents’ lavish Manhattan townhouse. At seven, she knows she is an intruder in her parents’ party, in her parents’ life. But she can’t resist the magic. Later, she waits for the click, click, click of her mother’s high heels, the angry words, and the pain that will follow. Gabriella already knows to hide her bruises, certain she is to blame for her mother’s rage–and her father’s failure to protect her. Her world is a confusing blend of terror, betrayal, and pain. Her parents’ aristocratic world is no safeguard against the abuse that knows no boundaries, respects no person, no economic lines. Gabriella knows that, try as she might, there is no safe place for her to hide.
Even as a child, her only escape is through the stories she writes. Only writing can dull the pain of her lonely world. And when her parents’ marriage collapses, Gabriella is given her first reprieve, as her father disappears, and then her mother abandons her to a convent. There, Gabriella’s battered body and soul begin to mend. Amid the quiet safety and hushed rituals of the nuns, Gabriella grows into womanhood in a safe, peaceful world. Then a young priest comes into her life.
Father Joe Connors never questioned his vocation until Gabriella entered the confessional and shared her soul. Confession leads to friendship. And friendship grows dangerously into love. Like Gabriella, Joe is haunted by the pain of his childhood, consumed by guilt over a family tragedy, for which he blames himself. With Gabriella, Joe takes the first steps toward healing. But their relationship leads to tragedy as Joe must choose between the priesthood and Gabriella, and life in the real world where he fears he does not belong, and cannot cope.
Exiled and disgraced, and nearly destroyed, Gabriella struggles to survive on her own in New York. There she seeks healing and escape through her writing again, this time as an adult, and her life as a writer begins. But just when she thinks she is beyond hurt, Gabriella is once again betrayed by someone she trusts. Brought to the edge of despair, physically attacked beyond recognition and belief, haunted by abuse in her present and her past, she nonetheless manages to find hope again, and the courage to face the past. On a pilgrimage destined to bring her face-to-face with those who sought to destroy her in her early life, she finds forgiveness, freedom from guilt, and healing from abuse. When Gabriella faces what was done to her, and why, she herself is free at last.”
Scorpio
Message From Nam
“As a journalist, Paxton Andrews would experience Vietnam firsthand. We follow her from high school in Savannah to college in Berkeley and then to work in Saigon.
For the soldiers she knew and met there, Viet Nam would change their lives in ways they could never have imagined. For the men in her life, Viet Nam would change their lives in ways hey could not escape or deny. Peter Wilson, fresh from law school, was a new recruit who would confont his fate in Da Nang. Ralph Johnson, a seasoned AP correspondent, had been in Saigon since the beginning. He knew Vietnam and the war inside out. Bill Quinn, captain of the Cu Chi tunnel rats, was on his fourth tour of duty and it seemed nothing could touch him. Sergeant Tony Campobello had come to Vietnam from the streets of New York to vent a rage that had followed him all the way to Saigon.
For seven years Paxton Andrews would write an acclaimed newspaper column from the front before finally returning to the States and then attending the Paris peace talks. But for her and the men who fought in Viet Nam, life would never be the same again.”
Sagittarius
Kaleidoscope
“When a beautiful young Frenchwoman and a brilliant American actor meet in wartime Paris, their love begins like a fairy tale but ends in tragedy. Suddenly orphaned, their three children are cruelly separated. Megan, the baby, adopted by a family of comfortable means, becomes a doctor in the rural Appalachia. Alexandra, raised in lavish wealth, marries a powerful man whose pride is in his pedigree and who assumes that Alexandra is her parents’ natural offspring. Neither of them has the remotest suspicion that she is adopted, or what turbulent tragedy lurks in her past. And Hilary, oldest of the Walker children, remembers them all, and the grief that tore them apart and cast them into separate lives. Feeling the loss throughout her life, and unable to find her sisters, she builds an extraordinary career and has no personal life.
When John Chapman, lawyer and prestigious private investigator, is asked to find these three women, he wonders why. Their parents’ only friend, he did nothing to keep them together as children and has been haunted by remorse all his life. The investigator follows a trail that leads from chic New York to Boston slums, from elegant Parisian salons to the Appalachian hills, to the place where the three sisters face each other and one more final, devastating truth before they can move on.”
Capricorn
Malice
“At seventeen, the night of her mother’s funeral, Grace Adams is attacked. It is not the first time, and a brutal crime ensues.
And to everyone’s horror, Grace will not tell the truth. She is a young woman with secrets too horrible to tell, with hurts so deep they may never heal. She is also beautiful enough for men to want her no matter how much she does not want them. Whatever the outcome, Grace Adams will have to live with whatever happened during those terrible years. After a lifetime of being a victim, now she must pay the price for other people’s sins.
From the depths of an Illinois women’s prison to a Chicago modeling agency to a challenging career in New York, Grace must carry the past with her wherever she goes. And in healing her own pain, she reaches out to battered women and children who live a nightmare she knows all too well.
When Grace meets Charles Mackenzie, a New York lawyer, she has found a man who wants nothing from her-except to heal her, to hear her secrets, and to give her the family she so desperately wants. But, with happiness finally within her grasp, and precious loved ones to protect, Grace is at her most vulnerable-in danger of losing everything to a vicious tabloid press and an enemy from her past, an enemy bent on malice at all costs.”
Aquarius
Blessing In Disguise
“As a young intern at an art gallery in Paris, Isabelle McAvoy meets Putnam Armstrong, wealthy, gentle, older, and secluded from the world. Isabelle’s relationship with Putnam, and her time at his château on the Normandy coast, are the stuff of dreams. But it turns real when she becomes pregnant, for she knows that marriage is out of the question.
When Isabelle returns to New York, she enters a new relationship that she hopes will be more stable and traditional. But she soon realizes she has made a terrible mistake and again finds herself a single mother.
With two young daughters and no husband, Isabelle finally and unexpectedly finds happiness and a love that gives her a third child, a baby as happy as her beloved father. And yet, once again, life brings dramatic changes.
The three girls grow up to be very different women, and Isabelle’s relationship with each of them is unique. While raising her girls alone, Isabelle also begins building a career as a successful art consultant. Then one final turn of fate brings a past secret to light, bonds mother and daughters closer, and turns a challenge into a blessing.”
Pisces
Summer’s End
“Deanna was eighteen when she married a handsome Frenchman, attorney Marc-Edouard Duras. Now, at thirty-seven, she should be happy with Marc, her elegant home in San Francisco, and their teenage daughter, Pilar. But one summer changes it all when she realizes her failing marriage is a trap she must escape.”


thoughtcatalog--2020-05-07--35 Things Girls With Soft Hearts Should Stop Being Ashamed About

1 .
Not being in a relationship .
Learn to love yourself first and foremost because you are awesome and it ’ s critical to becoming a joyful person .
How can you expect to love someone else when you don ’ t love yourself ?
Let ’ s stop pushing this constant nonsense that we have to have a boyfriend/girlfriend or get married as quick as possible .
It ’ s moronic .
2 .
Menstrual cycles !
A lot of women are embarrassed to bring them up and some people act like they ’ re disgusting , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Working low wage jobs .
No one should feel bad for what they do , we ’ re all just trying to get by .
5 .
Being lazy after a hard day of work .
We deserve it once in a while .
9 .
Crying .
Don ’ t repress your feelings bud , let it out .
10 .
Your taste in music .
I always hear about people ’ s secret genre that they like and are too scared to admit because they think they ’ ll be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ others .
We are , many of us , generous and always ready to help .
But we have a hard time being on the receiving end .
12 .
Admitting that they failed .
Everyone has failed in their life at least once , nobody is perfect and you don ’ t need to be ashamed of it , it ’ s human .
13 .
Exercising around other people .
It ’ s easy to feel ashamed of your own weight , strength , etc .
when exercising around others that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re striving for .
14 .
Not knowing something .
People shouldn ’ t shame others for their lack of knowledge .
Absolutely no one knows everything .
15 .
Their laugh .
It ’ s so sad when someone hates their own laugh .
16 .
Liking absolutely anything that they like .
Flowers , wrestling , kung-fu movies , cooking , collecting toilet seats , avocado toast , Bud Light , Michael Bay movies , crying , handle-bar mustaches , hairy men , floppy boobs , podcasts , fried chicken , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The Irishman… Just like what you like and own it .
17 .
Getting older/aging , its not like we have much control over that .
20 .
Their own artwork .
People don ’ t just pick up a paintbrush and start painting masterpieces .
Everyone ’ s art starts out rough .
The only reason someone ‘ isn ’ t very good ’ is because they just haven ’ t had the practice to refine their work .
21 .
Medical and STD issues .
Get it resolved .
Doctors have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ another day in the office for them , they are there to help , not ridicule and shame .
22 .
Admitting to having been the victim of something .
23 .
Living with your parents in your late 20 ’ s .
I know we ’ re expected to leave our parents ’ house at a certain point , but there are various circumstances that play into that .
24 .
Buying condoms or the morning after pill .
25 .
Taking a sick day from work when you are mentally sick @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Being a certain age and not being married , having a degree , or anything that people have associated with a certain age .
27 .
Putting yourself first .
Nothing wrong so long as you ’ re not impending on someone else .
28 .
Queefing .
It happens to everyone and shouldn ’ t turn a good night into an embarrassing one .
29 .
Their genitalia .
We are way too judgemental .
30 .
Blemishes and pimples that no one notices but themselves .
32 .
Sleeping with stuffed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Most people only use them as comfort , and shouldn ’ t feel ashamed of it .
33 .
Being ashamed of that one embarrassing thing you did a long time ago and to this day you die a little just thinking about it .
35 .
Not being good at something that they just started to learn .

Ask Reddit is here to remind you that you should feel ashamed of any of these things about yourself because you are beautiful.
1. Not being in a relationship. Learn to love yourself first and foremost because you are awesome and it’s critical to becoming a joyful person. How can you expect to love someone else when you don’t love yourself? Let’s stop pushing this constant nonsense that we have to have a boyfriend/girlfriend or get married as quick as possible. It’s moronic.
2. Menstrual cycles! A lot of women are embarrassed to bring them up and some people act like they’re disgusting, but they’re totally natural.
3. Working low wage jobs. No one should feel bad for what they do, we’re all just trying to get by.
4. Not being happy 24/7.
5. Being lazy after a hard day of work. We deserve it once in a while.
6. Having hair somewhere.
7. Stretch marks.
8. Being a virgin.
9. Crying. Don’t repress your feelings bud, let it out.
10. Your taste in music. I always hear about people’s secret genre that they like and are too scared to admit because they think they’ll be judged.
11. Receiving help from others. We are, many of us, generous and always ready to help. But we have a hard time being on the receiving end.
12. Admitting that they failed. Everyone has failed in their life at least once, nobody is perfect and you don’t need to be ashamed of it, it’s human.
13. Exercising around other people. It’s easy to feel ashamed of your own weight, strength, etc. when exercising around others that already have the body image you’re striving for.
14. Not knowing something. People shouldn’t shame others for their lack of knowledge. Absolutely no one knows everything.
15. Their laugh. It’s so sad when someone hates their own laugh.
16. Liking absolutely anything that they like. Flowers, wrestling, kung-fu movies, cooking, collecting toilet seats, avocado toast, Bud Light, Michael Bay movies, crying, handle-bar mustaches, hairy men, floppy boobs, podcasts, fried chicken, exercise, heavy metal, scallions, The Irishman… Just like what you like and own it.
17. Getting older/aging, its not like we have much control over that.
18. Eating alone.
19. Going to therapy.
20. Their own artwork. People don’t just pick up a paintbrush and start painting masterpieces. Everyone’s art starts out rough. The only reason someone ‘isn’t very good’ is because they just haven’t had the practice to refine their work.
21. Medical and STD issues. Get it resolved. Doctors have seen it all, it is just another day in the office for them, they are there to help, not ridicule and shame.
22. Admitting to having been the victim of something.
23. Living with your parents in your late 20’s. I know we’re expected to leave our parents’ house at a certain point, but there are various circumstances that play into that.
24. Buying condoms or the morning after pill.
25. Taking a sick day from work when you are mentally sick, not physically sick.
26. Being a certain age and not being married, having a degree, or anything that people have associated with a certain age.
27. Putting yourself first. Nothing wrong so long as you’re not impending on someone else.
28. Queefing. It happens to everyone and shouldn’t turn a good night into an embarrassing one.
29. Their genitalia. We are way too judgemental.
30. Blemishes and pimples that no one notices but themselves.
31. Having multiple failed relationships.
32. Sleeping with stuffed animals, even as an adult. Most people only use them as comfort, and shouldn’t feel ashamed of it.
33. Being ashamed of that one embarrassing thing you did a long time ago and to this day you die a little just thinking about it.
34. Mental illness.
35. Not being good at something that they just started to learn.


thoughtcatalog--2020-05-07--What It’s Like To Be Diagnosed With Cancer In The Time Of COVID-19

You don ’ t think you will be the one to get cancer .
It happens to other people , not to you .
If it does happen to you , it ’ s not when you ’ re 30 , seven marathons down and eight months after your wedding .
And definitely not in the middle of the worst pandemic in a century .
But on Wednesday , February 5 , I got the official call from my oncologist confirming what I suspected I had .
“ Gaby , your doctor here .
Confirming your diagnosis of Hodgkin ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to chat.
” I didn ’ t cry .
After three weeks of doctor ’ s appointmentsーtwo CT scans , three trips to my GP , one to the oncologist , a PET scan , meeting with a fertility doctor , and an outpatient biopsyーI finally knew what was growing inside me .
I was , frankly , relieved to find out and move forward .
There were 11 confirmed cases of COVID-19 in the United States .
Simply put , Hodgkin ’ s Lymphoma is a cancer that attacks the body ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your body ’ s immune system .
My cancer is a Stage 3 , attacking lymph nodes above and below my diaphragm .
My diagnosis started in a local Urgent Care with a horrible , lingering cough that I thought was walking pneumonia .
They took a chest X-Ray , and I knew something was wrong when it took the nurse practitioner half an hour to come back into the room with results , his face carefully arranged in that way professionals do when they have bad news .
“ Are you about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” I half joked .
The first COVID cases outside of China were that same week .
The thing people don ’ t tell you when you are undergoing diagnosis for cancer is that , at the same time as your life is suddenly consumed by doctor ’ s appointments and waiting for the results , your brain is consumed by what ifs .
I was lucky that my oncologist was pretty certain early on I had “ Classic Hodgkin ’ s , ” making it easier to grapple with the fact that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ patient undergoing chemotherapy .
Chemotherapy is such a loaded , scary word .
I was scared of not knowing what it would entail .
I was scared of losing my hair .
I was scared that I would regret not freezing my eggs before starting .
I was scared about the financial strain that comes along with cancer and the emotional stress this would have on my husband and stepson .
I feared how I was going to balance work with treatment .
I did not know to fear that my treatment would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ system and soon make me an official member of another group of people : “ The elderly and immunocompromised.
” My chemotherapy started on Thursday , February 20 .
There were 20 known cases of COVID-19 in the US .
My mom , dad , and husband all were there , alternating between sitting in the chemo bank with me and the waiting room .
They brought me cucumbers and plain yogurt .
My husband held my hand when I cried .
That first day of chemo was awful .
When I got @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 103 and I slept in a pool of sweat for the rest of the afternoon .
When I woke up , I had no idea what day it was or how I would survive the next 16 weeks of treatments .
For a few weeks before the threat of COVID became real , my cancer was the worst thing in my friend and family ’ s lives .
That ’ s not to say my friends and family didn ’ t have their own daily struggles , but in terms of earth-shattering , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cancer was it .
Friends visited .
Hats , blankets , and books were delivered .
Soon-to-be-useless Grubhub and UberEats gifts cards arrived daily .
On February 23 , three days after my first treatment , I had my hairdresser cut my hair into a pixie cut and dye it bright pink so it wouldn ’ t be such a shock when it fell out .
On March 11 , after my second round of chemo and the day the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 a global pandemic , I sat in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
My husband held newly purchased clippers and asked , “ You sure ?
” I was sure .
I felt it move through my hair and started to sob .
My husband—usually cheerful and optimistic under any circumstance—had to stop so we could cry together .
This was the first time he had to play a negative role in my cancer .
I was right about one thing though—it truly didn ’ t feel like it was my hair that was falling around me .
That evening , I asked a friend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of my newly bald head .
Had I known that would be the last time she could safely see me , how I would forget what it felt like to even have hair anyway , I may have reevaluated .
On March 12 , the day that Disney announced the intention to close parks and 241 new US COVID cases were announced , my doctor told me I needed to self-quarantine , going only to my weekly appointments .
To be honest , quarantine is not much different than how I had been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have a ton of energy to do things , and I constantly had to weigh the pros and cons of exerting what energy I did have on any one activity .
From there , things just started to escalate .
COVID was spreading to every state and even President Trump started to take it a bit more seriously .
When my state ’ s quarantine was imposed by the governor a week later , shutting down restaurants and gyms and making people work from home , my friends and family started to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ around COVID , not my cancer .
Now we dealt with a new set of what-ifs : What if it hits my family ?
What if we lose our jobs ?
What if there aren ’ t enough masks ?
Tests ?
Beds ?
My loved ones were grappling with the fact that their worlds would change , and honestly , their own mortality .
But having cancer taps you out emotionally .
My world had already changed .
I already had to seriously understand that nobody lives forever—adding COVID into the mix @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had to quickly come to terms with .
The fact was that I have cancer in a global pandemic , and that this would impact how I go through treatment .
The hardest thing I would ever have to go through in my life was somehow getting even harder .
So I had to dig deep to be able to hold space for my loved ones , to be there for them when they are confused , scared , or lonely .
I had to help my mom and dad come to terms @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t be able to go with me to treatments for the foreseeable future .
My husband and I had to make one hard decision after another when it came to our home life and keeping me safe from COVID .
We had to make the heartbreakingly difficult decision to have my stepson quarantine with his mother because his frequent switches between houses was an added risk to me , especially because he has a stepbrother ( who has a stepsister ) also switching houses .
I had to be in complete control of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to be safe against COVID , and this meant our hard fought-for family life was suddenly via Facetime .
I was angry , and I don ’ t think I will stop being angry for my stepson and husband .
I felt like he had to choose—my health and safety over seeing his son , a position I vowed I would never , ever put him in .
He hasn ’ t been home since March 24 , the day the President said he ’ d like to see the country open by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ upheaval .
Add a global pandemic , and nothing ’ s normal .
Not even chemotherapy .
During my treatment on April 2 , my husband had to drop me off at the building .
He was not allowed in .
There were 24,100 new confirmed cases in the US , pushing the total number to 245,500 .
Half of the chairs were removed and the office was at half staff , with rotating teams to ensure there would always be coverage if one nurse got sick .
I did four hours of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ eerie and upsetting .
My next treatment was the same , only this time , I was prepared .
You don ’ t think you will be the one to get cancer .
It happens to other people , not to you .
You also never think you ’ ll live through a pandemic , but here we are .
My last chemotherapy is scheduled for May 28 , and I am hopeful that when I first enter remission , the world will be entering a remission of its own : Figuring out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with cancer , my perspective was always going to be changed after this .
I will always be afraid of it coming back .
Part of me will always always be wondering when the next big disruption to my life ’ s normalcy will be .
I imagine the same will be true for a lot of people .
But with fear , there is also hope .
Hope for healthy , happier tomorrows and for the strength to reach them .
And if there is one thing having cancer in this pandemic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I am stronger than I think .
If I can get through this , there will not be anything I can not do .
And you , my friends , are stronger than you think .
And when we get through this , I look forward to seeing you on the other side .

You don’t think you will be the one to get cancer. It happens to other people, not to you. If it does happen to you, it’s not when you’re 30, seven marathons down and eight months after your wedding. And definitely not in the middle of the worst pandemic in a century.
But on Wednesday, February 5, I got the official call from my oncologist confirming what I suspected I had.
“Gaby, your doctor here. Confirming your diagnosis of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Call if you want to chat.”
I didn’t cry. After three weeks of doctor’s appointmentsーtwo CT scans, three trips to my GP, one to the oncologist, a PET scan, meeting with a fertility doctor, and an outpatient biopsyーI finally knew what was growing inside me. I was, frankly, relieved to find out and move forward. There were 11 confirmed cases of COVID-19 in the United States.
Simply put, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is a cancer that attacks the body’s white blood cells, part of your body’s immune system. My cancer is a Stage 3, attacking lymph nodes above and below my diaphragm. My diagnosis started in a local Urgent Care with a horrible, lingering cough that I thought was walking pneumonia. They took a chest X-Ray, and I knew something was wrong when it took the nurse practitioner half an hour to come back into the room with results, his face carefully arranged in that way professionals do when they have bad news.
“Are you about to tell me I have cancer?” I half joked.
“Well, maybe,” he responded.
The first COVID cases outside of China were that same week.
The thing people don’t tell you when you are undergoing diagnosis for cancer is that, at the same time as your life is suddenly consumed by doctor’s appointments and waiting for the results, your brain is consumed by what ifs. I was lucky that my oncologist was pretty certain early on I had “Classic Hodgkin’s,” making it easier to grapple with the fact that I would soon officially be a cancer patient undergoing chemotherapy.
Chemotherapy is such a loaded, scary word. I was scared of not knowing what it would entail. I was scared of losing my hair. I was scared that I would regret not freezing my eggs before starting. I was scared about the financial strain that comes along with cancer and the emotional stress this would have on my husband and stepson. I feared how I was going to balance work with treatment. I did not know to fear that my treatment would devastate what was left of my immune system and soon make me an official member of another group of people: “The elderly and immunocompromised.”
My chemotherapy started on Thursday, February 20. There were 20 known cases of COVID-19 in the US. My mom, dad, and husband all were there, alternating between sitting in the chemo bank with me and the waiting room. They brought me cucumbers and plain yogurt. My husband held my hand when I cried. That first day of chemo was awful. When I got home, my temperature shot up to 103 and I slept in a pool of sweat for the rest of the afternoon. When I woke up, I had no idea what day it was or how I would survive the next 16 weeks of treatments.
For a few weeks before the threat of COVID became real, my cancer was the worst thing in my friend and family’s lives. That’s not to say my friends and family didn’t have their own daily struggles, but in terms of earth-shattering, life-changing things to deal with, my cancer was it. Friends visited. Hats, blankets, and books were delivered. Soon-to-be-useless Grubhub and UberEats gifts cards arrived daily.
On February 23, three days after my first treatment, I had my hairdresser cut my hair into a pixie cut and dye it bright pink so it wouldn’t be such a shock when it fell out. On March 11, after my second round of chemo and the day the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 a global pandemic, I sat in the bathtub with a towel around my shoulders. My husband held newly purchased clippers and asked, “You sure?” I was sure. I felt it move through my hair and started to sob. My husband—usually cheerful and optimistic under any circumstance—had to stop so we could cry together. This was the first time he had to play a negative role in my cancer. I was right about one thing though—it truly didn’t feel like it was my hair that was falling around me.
That evening, I asked a friend not to swing by, too afraid of my newly bald head. Had I known that would be the last time she could safely see me, how I would forget what it felt like to even have hair anyway, I may have reevaluated.
On March 12, the day that Disney announced the intention to close parks and 241 new US COVID cases were announced, my doctor told me I needed to self-quarantine, going only to my weekly appointments. To be honest, quarantine is not much different than how I had been living since my diagnosis—I didn’t have a ton of energy to do things, and I constantly had to weigh the pros and cons of exerting what energy I did have on any one activity.
From there, things just started to escalate. COVID was spreading to every state and even President Trump started to take it a bit more seriously. When my state’s quarantine was imposed by the governor a week later, shutting down restaurants and gyms and making people work from home, my friends and family started to be afraid. Suddenly, our conversations revolved around COVID, not my cancer. Now we dealt with a new set of what-ifs: What if it hits my family? What if we lose our jobs? What if there aren’t enough masks? Tests? Beds? My loved ones were grappling with the fact that their worlds would change, and honestly, their own mortality.
But having cancer taps you out emotionally. My world had already changed. I already had to seriously understand that nobody lives forever—adding COVID into the mix just felt like something else that I had to quickly come to terms with. The fact was that I have cancer in a global pandemic, and that this would impact how I go through treatment. The hardest thing I would ever have to go through in my life was somehow getting even harder. So I had to dig deep to be able to hold space for my loved ones, to be there for them when they are confused, scared, or lonely. I had to help my mom and dad come to terms with the fact that they wouldn’t be able to go with me to treatments for the foreseeable future.
My husband and I had to make one hard decision after another when it came to our home life and keeping me safe from COVID. We had to make the heartbreakingly difficult decision to have my stepson quarantine with his mother because his frequent switches between houses was an added risk to me, especially because he has a stepbrother (who has a stepsister) also switching houses. I had to be in complete control of my surroundings and what enters my house to be safe against COVID, and this meant our hard fought-for family life was suddenly via Facetime. I was angry, and I don’t think I will stop being angry for my stepson and husband. I felt like he had to choose—my health and safety over seeing his son, a position I vowed I would never, ever put him in. He hasn’t been home since March 24, the day the President said he’d like to see the country open by Easter. Cancer throws your life into upheaval. Add a global pandemic, and nothing’s normal. Not even chemotherapy.
During my treatment on April 2, my husband had to drop me off at the building. He was not allowed in. There were 24,100 new confirmed cases in the US, pushing the total number to 245,500. Half of the chairs were removed and the office was at half staff, with rotating teams to ensure there would always be coverage if one nurse got sick. I did four hours of my five-hour infusion alone. It was eerie and upsetting. My next treatment was the same, only this time, I was prepared.
You don’t think you will be the one to get cancer. It happens to other people, not to you. You also never think you’ll live through a pandemic, but here we are. My last chemotherapy is scheduled for May 28, and I am hopeful that when I first enter remission, the world will be entering a remission of its own: Figuring out the new normal post-quarantine. As somebody with cancer, my perspective was always going to be changed after this. I will always be afraid of it coming back. Part of me will always always be wondering when the next big disruption to my life’s normalcy will be. I imagine the same will be true for a lot of people.
But with fear, there is also hope. Hope for healthy, happier tomorrows and for the strength to reach them. And if there is one thing having cancer in this pandemic has taught me, it is that I am stronger than I think. If I can get through this, there will not be anything I cannot do. And you, my friends, are stronger than you think. And when we get through this, I look forward to seeing you on the other side.