thoughtcatalog--2020-04-15--The Reason Each Zodiac Sign Has No Idea They’re Beautiful

You still see yourself as the person you were when you were younger , when you were still figuring yourself out , when you were intimidated by everyone and everything .
You ’ ve been obsessing over a single person who doesn ’ t seem interested in you , and you ’ re letting your self-worth be determined by the way they view you .
You ’ ve allowed yourself to believe every negative word uttered about you , but you won ’ t entertain the idea the positive things might be true , too .
You ’ re so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that you don ’ t have time to notice it in yourself .
You ’ ve been put through so much pain by a certain someone , and you assume that couldn ’ t have happened if you were pretty enough .
You have a bad habit of being hard on yourself .
It ’ s the way you ’ ve always been and you haven ’ t figured out how to stop the pattern .
No one has reminded you of your beauty lately , and you often rely on other people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ haven ’ t figured out that beauty comes in different flavors , and that even though someone else might be beautiful and look completely different than you , you can be beautiful , too .
You have been going through a dry spell , so you suddenly feel like no one is attracted to you anymore .
Someone convinced you you weren ’ t beautiful and you ’ ve never been able to get their voice out of your head .
You are so obsessed with fixing your supposed flaws that you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in between .
You haven ’ t been getting the attention you crave , so you ’ ve fallen under the assumption there must be something wrong with you .

Aries
You still see yourself as the person you were when you were younger, when you were still figuring yourself out, when you were intimidated by everyone and everything.
Taurus
You’ve been obsessing over a single person who doesn’t seem interested in you, and you’re letting your self-worth be determined by the way they view you.
Gemini
You’ve allowed yourself to believe every negative word uttered about you, but you won’t entertain the idea the positive things might be true, too.
Cancer
You’re so distracted by the beauty in everyone else that you don’t have time to notice it in yourself.
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Leo
You’ve been put through so much pain by a certain someone, and you assume that couldn’t have happened if you were pretty enough.
Virgo
You have a bad habit of being hard on yourself. It’s the way you’ve always been and you haven’t figured out how to stop the pattern.
Libra
No one has reminded you of your beauty lately, and you often rely on other people to bring you happiness.
Scorpio
You still haven’t figured out that beauty comes in different flavors, and that even though someone else might be beautiful and look completely different than you, you can be beautiful, too.
Sagittarius
You have been going through a dry spell, so you suddenly feel like no one is attracted to you anymore.
Capricorn
Someone convinced you you weren’t beautiful and you’ve never been able to get their voice out of your head.
Aquarius
You are so obsessed with fixing your supposed flaws that you’re unable to see the strengths mixed in between.
Pisces
You haven’t been getting the attention you crave, so you’ve fallen under the assumption there must be something wrong with you.


thoughtcatalog--2020-04-15--Anxiety Makes You Feel Like An Outsider

Anxiety Makes You Feel Like An Outsider

Anxiety makes you feel like an outsider .
Even when you ’ re in a large swarm of people , you can feel lonely because you aren ’ t connecting with them the way everyone else seems to connect .
You feel like you aren ’ t part of group conversations because you rarely contribute .
You ’ re never able to find the perfect moment to jump in with your own opinion , so you stay quiet .
And the longer you ’ re silent , the more awkward it feels trying to involve yourself .
Even when you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feel like you ’ re lurking more than you ’ re actually taking part in the conversation .
You ’ re always listening , always paying attention , but it feels like there ’ s a separation between you and everyone else .
You feel like no one would even notice if you were missing .
You feel like no one would even care .
Your anxiety can make you feel like you ’ re invisible .
It can make you feel unwanted .
It can make you feel like it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you don ’ t have anything exciting to offer .
It can take you a long time to open up to people , so you ’ re worried you seem boring at first .
Like you have no personality .
Like you have no opinion .
Once people got to know you , once you felt comfortable around them , you know you would get along .
You know you would have a blast .
But the problem is , you can never reach that point .
Your anxiety stops you from trying @ @ @ @ @ @ @ better off alone .
It convinces you to stay isolated in your own private bubble .
When you have anxiety , it ’ s hard to make friends , because you never want to be the one to reach out first .
You ’ re nervous of looking stupid , of saying the wrong thing , of bothering someone who doesn ’ t want you around , so you rarely set plans or send the first text .
You wait for the other person to do the work .
Some people might even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re misreading you .
They ’ re assuming your distance is an indication of how you feel about them , not an indication of your anxiety .
When you struggle in social situations , it can be hard to see how easily other people get along , seemingly without needing to try .
There are times when you ’ ve watched someone you ’ ve known for years click with a complete stranger in an instant .
They might even become better friends than you are , even though you ’ ve spent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up , inching out of your comfort zone .
It doesn ’ t seem fair .
It doesn ’ t make sense to you .
Unfortunately , anxiety can make you feel like an outsider .
But you have to remind yourself what your anxiety is telling you isn ’ t always accurate .
Sometimes it lies to you .
Sometimes it plays tricks you .
Sometimes it ’ s not a reflection of reality .
You might feel like no one wants you around , but that ’ s not the truth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you realize .
You aren ’ t as alone as you ’ ve been telling yourself .

Anxiety makes you feel like an outsider. Even when you’re in a large swarm of people, you can feel lonely because you aren’t connecting with them the way everyone else seems to connect. You feel like you aren’t part of group conversations because you rarely contribute. You’re never able to find the perfect moment to jump in with your own opinion, so you stay quiet. And the longer you’re silent, the more awkward it feels trying to involve yourself.
Even when you’re group chatting online, you feel like you’re lurking more than you’re actually taking part in the conversation. You’re always listening, always paying attention, but it feels like there’s a separation between you and everyone else. You feel like no one would even notice if you were missing. You feel like no one would even care.
Your anxiety can make you feel like you’re invisible. It can make you feel unwanted. It can make you feel like it’s pointless to try to make friends because you don’t have anything exciting to offer.
It can take you a long time to open up to people, so you’re worried you seem boring at first. Like you have no personality. Like you have no opinion. Once people got to know you, once you felt comfortable around them, you know you would get along. You know you would have a blast. But the problem is, you can never reach that point. Your anxiety stops you from trying. It convinces you you’re better off alone. It convinces you to stay isolated in your own private bubble.
When you have anxiety, it’s hard to make friends, because you never want to be the one to reach out first. You’re nervous of looking stupid, of saying the wrong thing, of bothering someone who doesn’t want you around, so you rarely set plans or send the first text. You wait for the other person to do the work.
Some people might even assume you dislike them because they’re misreading you. They’re assuming your distance is an indication of how you feel about them, not an indication of your anxiety.
When you struggle in social situations, it can be hard to see how easily other people get along, seemingly without needing to try. There are times when you’ve watched someone you’ve known for years click with a complete stranger in an instant. They might even become better friends than you are, even though you’ve spent forever getting to know them, opening up, inching out of your comfort zone. It doesn’t seem fair. It doesn’t make sense to you.
Unfortunately, anxiety can make you feel like an outsider. But you have to remind yourself what your anxiety is telling you isn’t always accurate. Sometimes it lies to you. Sometimes it plays tricks you. Sometimes it’s not a reflection of reality.
You might feel like no one wants you around, but that’s not the truth. More people care about you than you realize. You aren’t as alone as you’ve been telling yourself.


thoughtcatalog--2020-04-15--Stop Fighting For Relationships, Fight For Yourself

When you have a soft heart , it ’ s natural to fight to keep important people in your life .
You see the best in them .
You want to help them in any way possible .
You want to be there for them when they ’ re going through tough times .
You don ’ t want to say goodbye .
You don ’ t want them to leave too soon .
When a relationship goes sour , you ’ ll do everything within your power to fight to keep it alive .
You ’ ll put all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ You ’ ll make sure you don ’ t walk away with any regrets .
You ’ ll make sure that at the end of the day , you ’ ll be able to confidently say you ’ ve done all that you possibly could .
If you ’ re willing to fight that hard for other people , for love , for a relationship , why aren ’ t you fighting that hard for yourself ?
When you want something , you should chase after it .
You should pour all of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ You shouldn ’ t walk away when things get hard .
You shouldn ’ t assume failure is imminent .
You shouldn ’ t get distracted by worst case scenarios .
You should keep your hopes high .
You should believe everything is going to work out in the end .
You should have a little more faith in yourself .
If you struggle to reach your dreams , if you have a setback , if you experience failure , you shouldn ’ t give up hope .
You shouldn ’ t call @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feel defeated .
You should keep moving forward .
You should keep fighting .
You should keep trying to reach your goals .
When it comes to relationships , you don ’ t give up that easily , so why should you give up easily now ?
You are persistent .
You are a warrior .
You don ’ t let little things keep you down for long .
Make sure that mindset follows you everywhere you go .
Make sure you never forget how stubborn you are .
Even though you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ relationships , you need to start fighting for yourself .
You need to raise your voice .
You need to speak your mind .
You need to set your sights on something and keep going until you get it .
You need to remind yourself that you have what it takes to achieve anything , that you aren ’ t a quitter , that you keep trying even when it ’ s hard .
You should never let one little mistake , one little screw up , get you down .
Everyone fails @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it right the first time .
When you mess up , use it as a learning experience .
Let what happened propel you in the right direction moving forward .
Let it be a guide for your future .
There ’ s no reason to be so hard on yourself when it comes to your hopes and your dreams .
There ’ s no reason to think you ’ re going to disappoint yourself and everyone around you .
There ’ s no reason to give up hope when you ’ ve never @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ve always fought hard for relationships .
Now it ’ s time to fight for yourself .
For your success .
For your happiness .

When you have a soft heart, it’s natural to fight to keep important people in your life. You see the best in them. You want to help them in any way possible. You want to be there for them when they’re going through tough times. You don’t want to say goodbye. You don’t want them to leave too soon.
When a relationship goes sour, you’ll do everything within your power to fight to keep it alive. You’ll put all of your effort into the job. You’ll make sure you don’t walk away with any regrets. You’ll make sure that at the end of the day, you’ll be able to confidently say you’ve done all that you possibly could.
If you’re willing to fight that hard for other people, for love, for a relationship, why aren’t you fighting that hard for yourself?
When you want something, you should chase after it. You should pour all of your effort into completing your goal. You shouldn’t walk away when things get hard. You shouldn’t assume failure is imminent. You shouldn’t get distracted by worst case scenarios. You should keep your hopes high. You should believe everything is going to work out in the end. You should have a little more faith in yourself.
If you struggle to reach your dreams, if you have a setback, if you experience failure, you shouldn’t give up hope. You shouldn’t call it quits. You shouldn’t feel defeated. You should keep moving forward. You should keep fighting. You should keep trying to reach your goals.
When it comes to relationships, you don’t give up that easily, so why should you give up easily now? You are persistent. You are a warrior. You don’t let little things keep you down for long. Make sure that mindset follows you everywhere you go. Make sure you never forget how stubborn you are.
Even though you’ve spent your whole life fighting for relationships, you need to start fighting for yourself. You need to raise your voice. You need to speak your mind. You need to set your sights on something and keep going until you get it.
You need to remind yourself that you have what it takes to achieve anything, that you aren’t a quitter, that you keep trying even when it’s hard. You should never let one little mistake, one little screw up, get you down. Everyone fails before they succeed. No one gets it right the first time.
When you mess up, use it as a learning experience. Let what happened propel you in the right direction moving forward. Let it be a guide for your future.
There’s no reason to be so hard on yourself when it comes to your hopes and your dreams. There’s no reason to think you’re going to disappoint yourself and everyone around you. There’s no reason to give up hope when you’ve never been a pessimist before.
You’ve always fought hard for relationships. Now it’s time to fight for yourself. For your success. For your happiness.


thoughtcatalog--2020-04-15--The Wrong Person Will Make Modern Dating Feel Miserable

The wrong person will make you wonder why you bother with modern dating at all .
They won ’ t want to put a label on your relationship .
They won ’ t want to talk about where the relationship is headed or even about how they currently feel about you .
Emotional conversations will be off the table .
The only thing you ’ ll talk about will be superficial things , like music and movies and sex .
It won ’ t get any deeper than that .
There will be an invisible boundary between the two of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know each other too intensely , stopping you from developing a strong , permanent bond .
The wrong person will get your head spinning .
They will leave you with more questions than answers .
Your conversations with them will be part-guessing-game because there will be things you aren ’ t saying , things they aren ’ t saying , conversations you want to have but never get the opportunity to have .
It ’ s not like they will put your mind at ease even when you do bring up your concerns @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dodge questions , avoid giving you a straight answer .
They will send mixed signals along with every text .
They will get your hopes high and bring them crashing down within the course of a single conversation .
You will never know exactly what they ’ re thinking , and that ’ s the way they prefer it .
They want to be a stranger to you , even when they ’ re in bed with you .
The wrong person will make you wish you could skip past the flirting stage @ @ @ @ @ @ @ phase .
They will make you yearn for a time when you ’ re not tiptoeing around each other , hiding flaws from each other , playing roles to impress each other .
All you will want is to sit in comfortable silence with someone , to not have to wonder whether they are going to bolt if they get bored , to not have to question whether they ’ re only around as a temporary adventure , a way to pass the time until they find something else shiny and new to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wrong person will make you wonder whether love is only a myth , whether it ’ s possible to stay with someone forever with the way the world works now , whether you ’ re searching for something that no longer exists .
You will have a hard time believing that anyone is capable of staying put when you ’ re with someone who gets skittish every time you open up to them , every time you try to talk about something real , every time you bring up the concept of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ right person , dating will feel comfortable again .
You ’ ll fall into a natural rhythm .
You won ’ t be met with nearly as many questions and concerns .
You ’ ll be open and honest and transparent with each other .
You ’ ll let each other know how you ’ re feeling .
You ’ ll place the same amount of effort into your planning and your texting as true equals should .
Your relationship will be a source of comfort for you , not a source of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ person , they will make modern dating feel worth it again .

The wrong person will make you wonder why you bother with modern dating at all. They won’t want to put a label on your relationship. They won’t want to talk about where the relationship is headed or even about how they currently feel about you. Emotional conversations will be off the table. The only thing you’ll talk about will be superficial things, like music and movies and sex. It won’t get any deeper than that. There will be an invisible boundary between the two of you, stopping you from getting to know each other too intensely, stopping you from developing a strong, permanent bond.
The wrong person will get your head spinning. They will leave you with more questions than answers. Your conversations with them will be part-guessing-game because there will be things you aren’t saying, things they aren’t saying, conversations you want to have but never get the opportunity to have. It’s not like they will put your mind at ease even when you do bring up your concerns. They will talk in generalities, dodge questions, avoid giving you a straight answer. They will send mixed signals along with every text. They will get your hopes high and bring them crashing down within the course of a single conversation. You will never know exactly what they’re thinking, and that’s the way they prefer it. They want to be a stranger to you, even when they’re in bed with you.
The wrong person will make you wish you could skip past the flirting stage and skip straight to the serious relationship phase. They will make you yearn for a time when you’re not tiptoeing around each other, hiding flaws from each other, playing roles to impress each other. All you will want is to sit in comfortable silence with someone, to not have to wonder whether they are going to bolt if they get bored, to not have to question whether they’re only around as a temporary adventure, a way to pass the time until they find something else shiny and new to distract them from their problems.
The wrong person will make you wonder whether love is only a myth, whether it’s possible to stay with someone forever with the way the world works now, whether you’re searching for something that no longer exists. You will have a hard time believing that anyone is capable of staying put when you’re with someone who gets skittish every time you open up to them, every time you try to talk about something real, every time you bring up the concept of the future.
But when you find the right person, dating will feel comfortable again. You’ll fall into a natural rhythm. You won’t be met with nearly as many questions and concerns. You’ll be open and honest and transparent with each other. You’ll let each other know how you’re feeling. You’ll place the same amount of effort into your planning and your texting as true equals should. Your relationship will be a source of comfort for you, not a source of stress.
When you find the right person, they will make modern dating feel worth it again.


thoughtcatalog--2020-04-15--When Someone Toxic Reaches Out Again

When Someone Toxic Reaches Out Again

When someone toxic reaches out to you , you are under no obligation to answer them .
You don ’ t owe them anything , not even a response .
You don ’ t have to open up the gates to your heart .
You don ’ t have to answer to be nice .
You don ’ t have to give them a second chance , even if years have passed and maybe they have changed .
You ’ re not overreacting or holding a grudge by refusing to give them anymore of your time .
You ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ doing the best thing for your own sanity .
You have to remember , even though approving a friend request or sending a polite text back might seem like a small , harmless move , you know it ’ s more than that .
You know speaking to them again is a huge deal .
And you know one text isn ’ t going to be the end of this .
Allowing them back into your world could unravel months , maybe even years , of progress .
It could bring you right @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in when you last associated with them .
It could cause the world you ’ ve built without them to fall apart .
When someone toxic reaches out again , you have every right to pretend it never happened .
You can go right back to living without them .
You can go right back to not thinking about them .
You can move on with your day , move on with your life .
But if you make the decision to accept their olive branch , if you decide to allow them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ need to make sure your heart is able to handle the trouble .
You can not have any expectations .
You can not assume they are going to treat you right because they ’ ve learned their lesson or because they ’ ve matured now that they ’ re older or because they don ’ t want to lose you again .
There is a chance talking to them could give you closure .
But there is also a chance talking to them is going to make things worse .
If you had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time , the second time probably won ’ t be any easier .
It ’ s probably not a great idea to put yourself in the same exact position and expect different results .
When someone toxic reaches out to you , you need to set boundaries in order to protect yourself .
If you only want this person around in small doses , you need to be transparent with them about that .
And if they push you , if they try to wedge themselves back into your world in a way @ @ @ @ @ @ @ need to pull back again .
You need to be ready to cut them out of your life again at any time because you already know what they ’ re capable of doing to you .
You know how horrible they can make you feel .
When someone toxic reaches out to you , don ’ t worry about coming across as rude by ignoring them .
You ’ re allowed to keep them in your past .
But if you include them in your future , please , please , be careful @ @ @ @

When someone toxic reaches out to you, you are under no obligation to answer them. You don’t owe them anything, not even a response. You don’t have to open up the gates to your heart. You don’t have to answer to be nice. You don’t have to give them a second chance, even if years have passed and maybe they have changed.
You’re not overreacting or holding a grudge by refusing to give them anymore of your time. You’re only protecting yourself. You’re doing the best thing for your own sanity.
You have to remember, even though approving a friend request or sending a polite text back might seem like a small, harmless move, you know it’s more than that. You know speaking to them again is a huge deal. And you know one text isn’t going to be the end of this.
Allowing them back into your world could unravel months, maybe even years, of progress. It could bring you right back to the same mindset you were in when you last associated with them. It could cause the world you’ve built without them to fall apart.
When someone toxic reaches out again, you have every right to pretend it never happened. You can go right back to living without them. You can go right back to not thinking about them. You can move on with your day, move on with your life.
But if you make the decision to accept their olive branch, if you decide to allow them back into your universe again, you need to make sure your heart is able to handle the trouble.
You cannot have any expectations. You cannot assume they are going to treat you right because they’ve learned their lesson or because they’ve matured now that they’re older or because they don’t want to lose you again. There is a chance talking to them could give you closure. But there is also a chance talking to them is going to make things worse.
If you had difficulty moving on from them the first time, the second time probably won’t be any easier. It’s probably not a great idea to put yourself in the same exact position and expect different results.
When someone toxic reaches out to you, you need to set boundaries in order to protect yourself. If you only want this person around in small doses, you need to be transparent with them about that. And if they push you, if they try to wedge themselves back into your world in a way that makes you uneasy, then you need to pull back again. You need to be ready to cut them out of your life again at any time because you already know what they’re capable of doing to you. You know how horrible they can make you feel.
When someone toxic reaches out to you, don’t worry about coming across as rude by ignoring them. You’re allowed to keep them in your past. But if you include them in your future, please, please, be careful with your heart.


thoughtcatalog--2020-04-15--I’m Slowly Learning Discipline Matters More Than Motivation

I ’ m slowly learning that it ’ s impossible to keep your motivation high every single day .
You ’ re not always going to be in the mood to get work done , to exercise , to complete everything on your to-do list .
That ’ s why you can not rely on motivation to power you through your activities .
You can not wait around for inspiration to strike or you ’ re rarely going to get anything accomplished .
It ’ s better to rely on discipline , on consistency , on routine .
You need @ @ @ @ @ @ @ certain things .
You need to push yourself to complete your goals , even when you ’ re tired , even when you ’ re grumpy , even when it ’ s the last thing you feel like doing that day .
I ’ m slowly learning that what you want overall is not always going to match up with what you want in the moment .
In the moment , what you want more than anything might be another hour of sleep .
It might be another drink .
It might be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ listen to what your heart is telling you to do in the moment because it won ’ t always be for your own good .
It won ’ t always lead you down the road you want to walk .
I ’ m slowly learning that , while it ’ s perfectly fine to rest whenever you ’ re in need of a break , you should strive to complete your routine on most days .
You should strive to get your goals accomplished , even if you ’ re not in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ act productive even when you don ’ t want to be productive .
Otherwise , you ’ re never going to inch closer to your dreams .
You ’ re going to remain rooted in the same exact spot forever .
I ’ m slowly learning that discipline matters much more than motivation because there are going to be days when you wake up and aren ’ t in the mood to do anything .
There are going to be days when you wish you could lounge around and do nothing .
But @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a good idea .
That doesn ’ t always mean you should cross every plan off your schedule and give into temptation .
There are definitely times when you should let yourself rest and recharge .
But there are other times when you need to push yourself to get the hell up and start your day , regardless of whether you ’ re in the mood , regardless of whether you feel inspired to work toward your dreams .
Remember , you can always come up with excuses about how now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ how you ’ re not in the right mood , how inspiration hasn ’ t struck , how your motivation isn ’ t strong enough — but if you ’ re really serious about accomplishing something , you won ’ t let a lack of motivation stand in your way .
You ’ ll work your goals into your routine .
You ’ ll keep at them every single day , whether you ’ re in the mood or not .
The reality is , in order to reach your dreams , you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going , even when you ’ re not inspired .
You ’ re going to have to stay disciplined , even when you can not summon up an ounce of motivation .

I’m slowly learning that it’s impossible to keep your motivation high every single day. You’re not always going to be in the mood to get work done, to exercise, to complete everything on your to-do list. That’s why you cannot rely on motivation to power you through your activities. You cannot wait around for inspiration to strike or you’re rarely going to get anything accomplished.
It’s better to rely on discipline, on consistency, on routine. You need to get into the habit of doing certain things. You need to push yourself to complete your goals, even when you’re tired, even when you’re grumpy, even when it’s the last thing you feel like doing that day.
I’m slowly learning that what you want overall is not always going to match up with what you want in the moment. In the moment, what you want more than anything might be another hour of sleep. It might be another drink. It might be another mistake.
You cannot always listen to what your heart is telling you to do in the moment because it won’t always be for your own good. It won’t always lead you down the road you want to walk.
I’m slowly learning that, while it’s perfectly fine to rest whenever you’re in need of a break, you should strive to complete your routine on most days. You should strive to get your goals accomplished, even if you’re not in the mood. You should train yourself to act productive even when you don’t want to be productive. Otherwise, you’re never going to inch closer to your dreams. You’re going to remain rooted in the same exact spot forever.
I’m slowly learning that discipline matters much more than motivation because there are going to be days when you wake up and aren’t in the mood to do anything. There are going to be days when you wish you could lounge around and do nothing. But that doesn’t always mean it’s a good idea. That doesn’t always mean you should cross every plan off your schedule and give into temptation.
There are definitely times when you should let yourself rest and recharge. But there are other times when you need to push yourself to get the hell up and start your day, regardless of whether you’re in the mood, regardless of whether you feel inspired to work toward your dreams.
Remember, you can always come up with excuses about how now isn’t the right time, how you’re not in the right mood, how inspiration hasn’t struck, how your motivation isn’t strong enough — but if you’re really serious about accomplishing something, you won’t let a lack of motivation stand in your way. You’ll work your goals into your routine. You’ll keep at them every single day, whether you’re in the mood or not.
The reality is, in order to reach your dreams, you’re going to have to keep going, even when you’re not inspired. You’re going to have to stay disciplined, even when you cannot summon up an ounce of motivation.


thoughtcatalog--2020-04-15--Why Each Zodiac Sign Hates Talking About Their Feelings

You ’ ve created a fake persona where you don ’ t care about anything or anyone .
You regularly feel silly , like you ’ re overreacting , like you don ’ t have a right to feel how you feel .
You don ’ t want your feelings to be used against you in the future .
You don ’ t want to regret opening up to someone about your secrets .
You don ’ t want to burden anyone else with your problems .
You don ’ t want them to worry about you .
No one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
No one bothers to reach out .
You get uncomfortable with serious conversations .
You would rather keep things lighthearted .
You would rather help others deal with their feelings .
You would rather focus on their issues .
You prefer to bottle everything up inside and hope it magically goes away once you forget about it .
You don ’ t want to make a big deal out of how you feel .
You don ’ t think it needs to be discussed .
You aren ’ t in touch with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even know exactly how you feel .
You don ’ t like attention on you .
You would rather blend into the background .
You honestly don ’ t think anyone cares about what you have to say , so you don ’ t bother to say it .

Aries
You’ve created a fake persona where you don’t care about anything or anyone.
Taurus
You regularly feel silly, like you’re overreacting, like you don’t have a right to feel how you feel.
Gemini
You don’t want your feelings to be used against you in the future. You don’t want to regret opening up to someone about your secrets.
Cancer
You don’t want to burden anyone else with your problems. You don’t want them to worry about you.
For the person who is always googling astrological compatibility when they meet someone new. How You’ll Do Everything Based On Your Zodiac Sign includes an exhaustive analysis of each sign’s personality. You’ll learn which high school clique represents them (Pisces are the cool art kids), who would get eaten first in a scary movie (Gemini, obviously) to how each sign prefers to say ‘I love you’ (for Taurus, it’s with good food). Alternating between silly, sweet, and serious, this book is filled with deep dives into the mind of everyone whose birth chart you can get your hands on. Buy now
Leo
No one ever asks how you’re feeling. No one bothers to reach out.
Virgo
You get uncomfortable with serious conversations. You would rather keep things lighthearted.
Libra
You would rather help others deal with their feelings. You would rather focus on their issues.
Scorpio
You prefer to bottle everything up inside and hope it magically goes away once you forget about it.
Sagittarius
You don’t want to make a big deal out of how you feel. You don’t think it needs to be discussed.
Capricorn
You aren’t in touch with your feelings. You don’t even know exactly how you feel.
Aquarius
You don’t like attention on you. You would rather blend into the background.
Pisces
You honestly don’t think anyone cares about what you have to say, so you don’t bother to say it.


thoughtcatalog--2020-04-14--Even Now, You Are Still Growing Through The Storm

I know it seems like all progress has been derailed .
I know it seems like the world has caved in on itself and will never again return .
I know it seems like you were right on the cusp of having it together and then , suddenly , it was taken away .
I know it seems like this because on some level , it is like this .
This is what we are alluding to when we say it ’ s important to save , to prepare , to anticipate that our lifetimes may not unfold as linearly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we mean when we say that when the tide recedes , we see what ’ s just beneath the surface .
Disruptors serve a purpose in life , and every generation deals with at least one .
They shake us out of our unconscious states — our habits , our patterns , our routines , our normalcy — and they encourage us begin again .
Some of us are mourning the loss of loved ones , others are mourning the loss of life as we once knew it .
What you need to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of this , even in the grieving , even in the fearing , even in the unknownness , even in the questions , even without answers — you are still growing through the storm .
You are still learning things you didn ’ t know you never knew .
You are different than you were two weeks ago and you will be different in another two .
We were going too fast , doing too much , so disconnected from ourselves it felt as though we were only being sustained by caffeine and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t sustainable , either .
What this means is that the disruptor has come to show us the ways in which life must transform permanently .
We are not going back to “ normal , ” because normal wasn ’ t working anyway .
We have a rare opportunity to learn from stillness , which is where all true answers are found .
We have a chance to rethink everything , to finally get deep rest , and to return to the parts of life that are worth returning to .
Our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spiked and is accelerating .
There are lessons we will learn in this season that we could not and would not have ever known otherwise .
There are ideas that will be planted now and watered into a revolution of change .
We will be reborn .
Not because we are blind to what ’ s happening around us .
But because we so clearly see .

I know it seems like all progress has been derailed.
I know it seems like the world has caved in on itself and will never again return.
I know it seems like you were right on the cusp of having it together and then, suddenly, it was taken away.
I know it seems like this because on some level, it is like this.
This is what we are alluding to when we say it’s important to save, to prepare, to anticipate that our lifetimes may not unfold as linearly as we assume.
This is what we mean when we say that when the tide recedes, we see what’s just beneath the surface.
Disruptors serve a purpose in life, and every generation deals with at least one. They shake us out of our unconscious states — our habits, our patterns, our routines, our normalcy — and they encourage us begin again.
Some of us are mourning the loss of loved ones, others are mourning the loss of life as we once knew it.
What you need to understand is that even in the middle of this, even in the grieving, even in the fearing, even in the unknownness, even in the questions, even without answers — you are still growing through the storm. You are still learning things you didn’t know you never knew. You are different than you were two weeks ago and you will be different in another two.
We were going too fast, doing too much, so disconnected from ourselves it felt as though we were only being sustained by caffeine and fear.
What we had before wasn’t sustainable, either.
What this means is that the disruptor has come to show us the ways in which life must transform permanently.
We are not going back to “normal,” because normal wasn’t working anyway.
We have a rare opportunity to learn from stillness, which is where all true answers are found.
We have a chance to rethink everything, to finally get deep rest, and to return to the parts of life that are worth returning to.
Our consciousness, as a whole, has spiked and is accelerating.
There are lessons we will learn in this season that we could not and would not have ever known otherwise. There are ideas that will be planted now and watered into a revolution of change.
Gratitude will be reborn.
Openness will be reborn.
We will be reborn.
Not because we are blind to what’s happening around us.
But because we so clearly see.


thoughtcatalog--2020-04-14--These Are The Stories We Will Tell About 2020

When we are asked about this time , we will tell them about how our stovetops were always dirty , and how much we cooked .
We will tell them about the origins , the warnings , the surreality , the grief .
We will tell them about where we were when we finally realized that this was more than just a precaution .
We will tell them about where we were when we finally realized that life was going to change forever .
We will tell them about whole cities cheering for their medical staff each night at dusk @ @ @ @ @ @ @ couldn ’ t hug our loved ones .
We will tell them about being alone .
We will tell them how we sent money to our friends who are nurses and doctors , we will tell them about the quirky , dated past times that got us through .
We will tell them about the urgency , the quiet , the life-changing , deafening stillness .
We will tell them that everyone wore a mask .
We will tell them that it was too hard to read the news .
We will tell @ @ @ @ @ @ @ once .
We will tell them that more people lost their jobs in one week than they had in decades combined .
We will tell them that we got checks in the mail .
We will tell them about the empty shelves .
We will tell them of the cancelled weddings .
We will tell them about having virtual parties .
We will tell them how we all worked from home or , really , stayed home tried to work when everything was too uncertain to think clearly half of the time .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ learned what “ essential personnel ” was and we never saw those jobs the same way again .
We will tell them of the kids of the medical professionals who stayed with relatives because their parents didn ’ t have enough masks .
We will tell them that lives were lost .
We will tell them that more were spared .
We will tell them that , at the beginning , nobody believed it would be this big .
We will tell them how , slowly , we realized we were wrong .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ that a virus can spread is paralyzingly scary .
We will tell them that the world as they know it now did not always exist this way .
We will tell them that there was a time when not everyone knew to wash their hands for 20 seconds and sanitizing wasn ’ t standard practice and shoes were worn in the house and nobody knew what the phrase “ flatten the curve ” was or had heard of Wuhan .
We will tell them that what is commonplace now was inventive then .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
We will tell them that it was as real as anything could be .
And we will tell them that the recovery was , too .

When we are asked about this time, we will tell them about how our stovetops were always dirty, and how much we cooked.
We will tell them about the origins, the warnings, the surreality, the grief.
We will tell them about where we were when we finally realized that this was more than just a precaution. We will tell them about where we were when we finally realized that life was going to change forever.
We will tell them about whole cities cheering for their medical staff each night at dusk.
We will tell them that we couldn’t hug our loved ones.
We will tell them about being alone.
We will tell them how we sent money to our friends who are nurses and doctors, we will tell them about the quirky, dated past times that got us through.
We will tell them about the urgency, the quiet, the life-changing, deafening stillness.
We will tell them that everyone wore a mask.
We will tell them that it was too hard to read the news.
We will tell them that every store shut down at once.
We will tell them that more people lost their jobs in one week than they had in decades combined.
We will tell them that we got checks in the mail.
We will tell them about the empty shelves.
We will tell them of the cancelled weddings. We will tell them about having virtual parties.
We will tell them how we all worked from home or, really, stayed home tried to work when everything was too uncertain to think clearly half of the time.
We will tell them that we quickly learned what “essential personnel” was and we never saw those jobs the same way again.
We will tell them of the kids of the medical professionals who stayed with relatives because their parents didn’t have enough masks.
We will tell them that lives were lost.
We will tell them that more were spared.
We will tell them that, at the beginning, nobody believed it would be this big.
We will tell them how, slowly, we realized we were wrong.
We will tell them that the way that a virus can spread is paralyzingly scary. We will tell them that the world as they know it now did not always exist this way. We will tell them that there was a time when not everyone knew to wash their hands for 20 seconds and sanitizing wasn’t standard practice and shoes were worn in the house and nobody knew what the phrase “flatten the curve” was or had heard of Wuhan.
We will tell them that what is commonplace now was inventive then.
We will tell them about the helpers.
We will tell them that it was as real as anything could be.
And we will tell them that the recovery was, too.


thoughtcatalog--2020-04-14--This Is The Best Vs. The Worst Thing About Being Friends With Each Zodiac Sign

Best : They are incredible at hyping you up .
They have your back and will show up when you need them .
They ’ re always the first to jump at the idea of doing something , and they will bring you along for the ride .
Worst : They can have a bit of an impulsive and childish streak to them- and calling that into question can hurt their feelings easily .
They have a bit of a temper that flares up , especially if they aren ’ t getting their way in a situation .
They will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but it can be hard to keep up with them at times .
Best : When you are thinking of a ride-or-die friend , Taurus has your back .
These guys don ’ t waste time- they get to know you from the beginning to see if you ’ re worth their time .
If they bring you into their world , they will fight to keep you there .
Worst : Taurus signs appear relatively passive at first glance , but they have strong opinions and stances they don ’ t budge @ @ @ @ @ @ @ something that doesn ’ t line up with your Taurus friend , they will certainly let you know it .
While it ’ s great to have a friend who will tell you like it is , sometimes they are likely to tell you how they think it is .
Best : You will rarely experience a dull moment with a Gemini as your friend .
If you want to know information on any number of subjects , chances are they already have it committed to memory- or where to find it .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ and you won ’ t have to worry about them saying what they feel .
Worst : With all their interests floating around , it ’ s pretty easy for a Gemini to be caught up in their own stuff .
They are so focused on their topic of conversation that they likely will act disinterested in whatever is being talked about unless they have a vested interest in it .
To stay connected to everyone and everything else , they can come off as flaky when they refuse to commit to plans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there is anything consistent with a Cancer , it ’ s how devoted they are to proving their love for you .
If you ’ re having a bad day , they will be ready to make it better .
An encouraging word ?
Check .
A long talk about your feelings ?
They ’ re on it .
If you need validation , they are at ready to bring it to you because they truly think so well of you .
Worst : On the opposite end , having someone love you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time to time .
If you ’ re not a particularly affectionate person , a Cancer ’ s devotion can feel suffocating at times- especially since they don ’ t always know when to stop .
They can also be jealous of other close friendships you have .
They put so much thought and effort into your friendship , and they want you to do the same- so if you ’ re investing a ton of your love and time with someone else , it can make them feel taken for granted .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the party is- usually because they are the party .
They aren ’ t afraid to celebrate your accomplishments , and they believe working hard should mean playing just as hard .
They know how to light up a room , and they won ’ t hesitate to do the same thing when they become part of your life .
Worst : While they do have big hearts , Leo ’ s can also carry big egos that don ’ t always set aside .
If they feel like you aren ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ll start to feel defensive .
They won ’ t ever say they need validation , but if they aren ’ t getting it , then they can begin to overcompensate- and bring you down in the process so they can elevate themselves .
Best : Virgos don ’ t become close with others quickly- so if you become a confidant of theirs , then you know you have a dedicated friend .
They will offer encouragement as you go after your goals , and they won ’ t be afraid to tell @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will try not to hurt you , but they won ’ t sugarcoat anything .
Worst : Virgos hold themselves to a pretty rigid standard- and that can easily transfer to their friendships .
They often feel they know what ’ s best for everyone- but even when they do , they can become frustrated that you aren ’ t following their advice .
They can be quick to judge your choices , and it can cause tension that you weren ’ t expecting .
Best : When it comes to knowing everyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ heart of a social gathering .
They ’ re easy temperament , and social grace usually means they are friends with whoever they come into contact with .
They love to entertain , and they love getting to know others beyond the surface , so you genuinely feel a connection with them .
Worst : In the same way , Libras usually know everyone- and that can cause problems down the line .
They don ’ t like conflict or confrontation , so they may not always have you back when you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Even worse , if your Libra friend is who you disagree with- they will likely retreat and try to pretend like the problem isn ’ t happening , never communicating how they ’ re feeling .
Best : Scorpios are intriguing people to have in your life- they don ’ t shy away from the deep , uncomfortable , personal things .
While they can be a bit reserved themselves , they still show how much they care for their friends .
Worst : Nonetheless , if you ever cross a Scorpio @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t like being lied to and will go to great lengths to seek revenge .
They won ’ t merely dismiss any act of betrayal without a response- and if you ’ re on their bad side , then all bets are off .
Best : If you need someone to lighten your spirits , you can count on a Sagittarius .
They ’ re curious and optimistic , and they love to explore the world around them .
You can always expect your Sagittarius friend to have an idea of a new @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cheer you up when you ’ ve had a rough week .
It ’ s hard to stay down when you ’ re with them !
Worst : While it ’ s great not to take yourself too seriously , there is a time and place where that ’ s called for- and Sags don ’ t always seem to catch that boundary .
They can be challenging to have an essential conversation with- they would rather not focus on the negative aspects of things .
They can also be a bit flaky @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re not down to join them on an impulsive whim , they can disappear without overthinking about it .
Best : Capricorn friends will have your back , no matter what .
They can be fairly protective over their loved ones , and they won ’ t settle for anyone messing with you .
If you ’ re going through a hard time , they ’ re available to be your rock to hold onto- your steadiness when things get messy .
Worst : However , Capricorns are also notoriously hard workers- too @ @ @ @ @ @ @ themselves to work incessantly , and they can pressure you into feeling you ’ re not doing enough .
Especially when it comes to traditional methods , a Capricorn can also be condescending if you don ’ t want to do things by the book .
They don ’ t like to waste time and don ’ t take kindly to anyone who slows them down .
Best : When it comes to knowing the most random and interesting aspects of things , you ’ ll usually find an Aquarius .
They are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fixate on the psychological and humanitarian concepts than traditional ones .
If you ever want to have an in-depth conversation with someone who will take you out of your head and see the world differently , your Aquarius friend is the best person for the job .
Worst : That being said , Aquarius types also tend to be incredibly independent , and don ’ t always feel the need to stay in constant contact .
They have no issue isolating themselves and disappearing for weeks or months at a time- which makes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them when you need them most .
Best : Sometimes , we just really need someone who understands us , and a Pisces is phenomenal at doing so .
They have a unique way of understanding others ’ feelings on an intuitive level .
If you just genuinely need someone to get where you ’ re coming from or someone to talk things out with , your empathetic Pisces friend is always waiting with open arms .
Worst : Just because they get you , doesn ’ t mean they ’ re the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time settling on what they want , usually preferring to lean towards what everyone else wants instead .
They won ’ t want to make any decisions and will often push that job towards you- and for themselves , it won ’ t be uncommon for them to change their minds dozens of times , which can be exhausting .

Aries
Best: They are incredible at hyping you up. They have your back and will show up when you need them. They’re always the first to jump at the idea of doing something, and they will bring you along for the ride.
Worst: They can have a bit of an impulsive and childish streak to them- and calling that into question can hurt their feelings easily. They have a bit of a temper that flares up, especially if they aren’t getting their way in a situation. They will blow past it like nothing happened, but it can be hard to keep up with them at times.
Taurus
Best: When you are thinking of a ride-or-die friend, Taurus has your back. These guys don’t waste time- they get to know you from the beginning to see if you’re worth their time. If they bring you into their world, they will fight to keep you there.
Worst: Taurus signs appear relatively passive at first glance, but they have strong opinions and stances they don’t budge on. If you do or say something that doesn’t line up with your Taurus friend, they will certainly let you know it. While it’s great to have a friend who will tell you like it is, sometimes they are likely to tell you how they think it is.
For the person who is always googling astrological compatibility when they meet someone new. How You’ll Do Everything Based On Your Zodiac Sign includes an exhaustive analysis of each sign’s personality. You’ll learn which high school clique represents them (Pisces are the cool art kids), who would get eaten first in a scary movie (Gemini, obviously) to how each sign prefers to say ‘I love you’ (for Taurus, it’s with good food). Alternating between silly, sweet, and serious, this book is filled with deep dives into the mind of everyone whose birth chart you can get your hands on. Buy now
Gemini
Best: You will rarely experience a dull moment with a Gemini as your friend. If you want to know information on any number of subjects, chances are they already have it committed to memory- or where to find it. They thrive on connection and communication, and you won’t have to worry about them saying what they feel.
Worst: With all their interests floating around, it’s pretty easy for a Gemini to be caught up in their own stuff. They are so focused on their topic of conversation that they likely will act disinterested in whatever is being talked about unless they have a vested interest in it. To stay connected to everyone and everything else, they can come off as flaky when they refuse to commit to plans ahead of time.
Cancer
Best: If there is anything consistent with a Cancer, it’s how devoted they are to proving their love for you. If you’re having a bad day, they will be ready to make it better. An encouraging word? Check. A long talk about your feelings? They’re on it. If you need validation, they are at ready to bring it to you because they truly think so well of you.
Worst: On the opposite end, having someone love you so much can cause some problems from time to time. If you’re not a particularly affectionate person, a Cancer’s devotion can feel suffocating at times- especially since they don’t always know when to stop. They can also be jealous of other close friendships you have. They put so much thought and effort into your friendship, and they want you to do the same- so if you’re investing a ton of your love and time with someone else, it can make them feel taken for granted.
Leo
Best: Leo’s know where the party is- usually because they are the party. They aren’t afraid to celebrate your accomplishments, and they believe working hard should mean playing just as hard. They know how to light up a room, and they won’t hesitate to do the same thing when they become part of your life.
Worst: While they do have big hearts, Leo’s can also carry big egos that don’t always set aside. If they feel like you aren’t appreciative of their achievements, they’ll start to feel defensive. They won’t ever say they need validation, but if they aren’t getting it, then they can begin to overcompensate- and bring you down in the process so they can elevate themselves.
Virgo
Best: Virgos don’t become close with others quickly- so if you become a confidant of theirs, then you know you have a dedicated friend. They will offer encouragement as you go after your goals, and they won’t be afraid to tell you the truth about things. They will try not to hurt you, but they won’t sugarcoat anything.
Worst: Virgos hold themselves to a pretty rigid standard- and that can easily transfer to their friendships. They often feel they know what’s best for everyone- but even when they do, they can become frustrated that you aren’t following their advice. They can be quick to judge your choices, and it can cause tension that you weren’t expecting.
Libra
Best: When it comes to knowing everyone, a Libra is always at the heart of a social gathering. They’re easy temperament, and social grace usually means they are friends with whoever they come into contact with. They love to entertain, and they love getting to know others beyond the surface, so you genuinely feel a connection with them.
Worst: In the same way, Libras usually know everyone- and that can cause problems down the line. They don’t like conflict or confrontation, so they may not always have you back when you’re dealing with a problem with someone. Even worse, if your Libra friend is who you disagree with- they will likely retreat and try to pretend like the problem isn’t happening, never communicating how they’re feeling.
Scorpio
Best: Scorpios are intriguing people to have in your life- they don’t shy away from the deep, uncomfortable, personal things. While they can be a bit reserved themselves, they still show how much they care for their friends.
Worst: Nonetheless, if you ever cross a Scorpio, be prepared. They don’t like being lied to and will go to great lengths to seek revenge. They won’t merely dismiss any act of betrayal without a response- and if you’re on their bad side, then all bets are off.
Sagittarius
Best: If you need someone to lighten your spirits, you can count on a Sagittarius. They’re curious and optimistic, and they love to explore the world around them. You can always expect your Sagittarius friend to have an idea of a new place to go or a joke to cheer you up when you’ve had a rough week. It’s hard to stay down when you’re with them!
Worst: While it’s great not to take yourself too seriously, there is a time and place where that’s called for- and Sags don’t always seem to catch that boundary. They can be challenging to have an essential conversation with- they would rather not focus on the negative aspects of things. They can also be a bit flaky at times, and if you’re not down to join them on an impulsive whim, they can disappear without overthinking about it.
Capricorn
Best: Capricorn friends will have your back, no matter what. They can be fairly protective over their loved ones, and they won’t settle for anyone messing with you. If you’re going through a hard time, they’re available to be your rock to hold onto- your steadiness when things get messy.
Worst: However, Capricorns are also notoriously hard workers- too much so at times. They push themselves to work incessantly, and they can pressure you into feeling you’re not doing enough. Especially when it comes to traditional methods, a Capricorn can also be condescending if you don’t want to do things by the book. They don’t like to waste time and don’t take kindly to anyone who slows them down.
Aquarius
Best: When it comes to knowing the most random and interesting aspects of things, you’ll usually find an Aquarius. They are avid learners, though they prefer to fixate on the psychological and humanitarian concepts than traditional ones. If you ever want to have an in-depth conversation with someone who will take you out of your head and see the world differently, your Aquarius friend is the best person for the job.
Worst: That being said, Aquarius types also tend to be incredibly independent, and don’t always feel the need to stay in constant contact. They have no issue isolating themselves and disappearing for weeks or months at a time- which makes it hard to connect and depend on them when you need them most.
Pisces
Best: Sometimes, we just really need someone who understands us, and a Pisces is phenomenal at doing so. They have a unique way of understanding others’ feelings on an intuitive level. If you just genuinely need someone to get where you’re coming from or someone to talk things out with, your empathetic Pisces friend is always waiting with open arms.
Worst: Just because they get you, doesn’t mean they’re the best decision-makers. They have a hard time settling on what they want, usually preferring to lean towards what everyone else wants instead. They won’t want to make any decisions and will often push that job towards you- and for themselves, it won’t be uncommon for them to change their minds dozens of times, which can be exhausting.


thoughtcatalog--2020-03-12--Read This When You Know What You Need To Heal, But Don’t Know How

If you know that you need to heal but don ’ t know where to begin , you will need to trust the process .
You will need to trust the people around you who have your best interest at heart , the ones who can see clearly through your situation .
You will need to trust the sound advice of the people who have been where you are , and have found their way out .
You will need to trust the process of healing , even when it isn ’ t comfortable or linear .
You will need @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to heal , we can ’ t always trust ourselves .
When our nervous systems are wrecked and we ’ re traumatized and suffering , we can ’ t think or feel clearly .
We have thoughts that are negative and untrue ; our feelings want to lead us toward comfort when healing isn ’ t always comfortable .
If you know that you need to heal but don ’ t know where to begin , you will need to start with the basics .
Start with the most fundamental parts of your @ @ @ @ @ @ @ within your control .
Start to build rituals around the things that you can do no matter where you are or who you ’ re with .
A hot bath , a bedtime routine , a cup of coffee in the morning .
Start by moving your body , even in the smallest and simplest ways .
Get fresh air and change your clothes .
You don ’ t have to do a lot , but do something .
Start to slowly reset your nervous system by taking it out of fight-or-flight .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ run .
Talk to the friends you can trust , and if you don ’ t have even one , talk to yourself , write in a journal .
If you know that you need to heal but you don ’ t know where to begin , you will need to let go of your attachment to results .
There ’ s nothing that ’ s going to hold you back more than getting discouraged because your entire life doesn ’ t change in a week .
Sure , it might be disappointing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ take a long time , but what ’ s the alternative ?
You either heal this now or you show up in a year from now exactly where you are today .
Even when you don ’ t see immediate outcomes , you have to trust that committing to the right behaviors and routines will slowly , move time , readjust your comfort zone to a new normal .
Even when you don ’ t get everything you want right away , you will need to revel in the small victories , allow @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the task , not what it might mean down the line .
You have to stay present , as much as you can .
If you know that you need to heal but you don ’ t know where to begin , you will need to build a new life .
This is the piece that most people miss .
You can not go back to what you knew before , and trying to is only making you suffer .
You ’ re standing in the ruins of what was , instead of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
You will need to redesign your entire existence , one piece at a time .
You will need to do this because if you do not , you will exist revolving around the open spaces , the empty gaps , the failures and disappointments .
You will need to let go of the life you chose for a person you no longer are .
You will need to understand that it is not a failure to give up on dreams that don ’ t make sense for you anymore .
You will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you will need to know that no matter what has happened , you still get the final say in your story .
You still get to decide if the heartbreak was the unhappy ending , or the beginning where the hero is introduced in the worst and most hopeless circumstances .
You still get to decide what you tell yourself about yourself , even if those little pieces of hope are crowded by all those other , negative thoughts .
You still get to decide what happens next , and what happens in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you need to heal but you don ’ t know where to begin , you will need to begin right now .
Do one thing today that can move your life forward .
Strive to be just 1 % better than you were before .
Growth , like love or sleep , happens to us slowly at first , and then all at once .
Stay the course , and trust the process .
You are always closer than you think .

If you know that you need to heal but don’t know where to begin, you will need to trust the process.
You will need to trust the people around you who have your best interest at heart, the ones who can see clearly through your situation. You will need to trust the sound advice of the people who have been where you are, and have found their way out. You will need to trust the process of healing, even when it isn’t comfortable or linear.
You will need to trust this because when we need to heal, we can’t always trust ourselves.
When our nervous systems are wrecked and we’re traumatized and suffering, we can’t think or feel clearly. We have thoughts that are negative and untrue; our feelings want to lead us toward comfort when healing isn’t always comfortable.
If you know that you need to heal but don’t know where to begin, you will need to start with the basics.
Start with the most fundamental parts of your life, the ones that are always within your control.
Start to build rituals around the things that you can do no matter where you are or who you’re with. A hot bath, a bedtime routine, a cup of coffee in the morning.
Start by moving your body, even in the smallest and simplest ways.
Get fresh air and change your clothes.
Take a shower and answer a text.
You don’t have to do a lot, but do something.
Start to slowly reset your nervous system by taking it out of fight-or-flight. Breathe deeply and meditate, walk and run. Talk to the friends you can trust, and if you don’t have even one, talk to yourself, write in a journal.
If you know that you need to heal but you don’t know where to begin, you will need to let go of your attachment to results.
There’s nothing that’s going to hold you back more than getting discouraged because your entire life doesn’t change in a week.
Sure, it might be disappointing to think that this is going to take a long time, but what’s the alternative? You either heal this now or you show up in a year from now exactly where you are today.
Even when you don’t see immediate outcomes, you have to trust that committing to the right behaviors and routines will slowly, move time, readjust your comfort zone to a new normal.
Even when you don’t get everything you want right away, you will need to revel in the small victories, allow the success to be the completion of the task, not what it might mean down the line.
You have to stay present, as much as you can.
If you know that you need to heal but you don’t know where to begin, you will need to build a new life.
This is the piece that most people miss.
You cannot go back to what you knew before, and trying to is only making you suffer.
You’re standing in the ruins of what was, instead of building a new city in its place.
You will need to redesign your entire existence, one piece at a time.
You will need to do this because if you do not, you will exist revolving around the open spaces, the empty gaps, the failures and disappointments.
You will need to let go of the life you chose for a person you no longer are.
You will need to understand that it is not a failure to give up on dreams that don’t make sense for you anymore.
You will need to take your time, and you will need to know that no matter what has happened, you still get the final say in your story.
You still get to decide if the heartbreak was the unhappy ending, or the beginning where the hero is introduced in the worst and most hopeless circumstances.
You still get to decide what you tell yourself about yourself, even if those little pieces of hope are crowded by all those other, negative thoughts.
You still get to decide what happens next, and what happens in the end.
If you know that you need to heal but you don’t know where to begin, you will need to begin right now.
Start right here.
Do one thing today that can move your life forward.
Strive to be just 1% better than you were before.
Growth, like love or sleep, happens to us slowly at first, and then all at once.
Stay the course, and trust the process.
You are always closer than you think.


thoughtcatalog--2020-03-11--You Will Move On

You Will Move On

I know that you can ’ t picture your life without them .
It ’ s not a small thing , a tiny feeling to take lightly .
I know that without them , the way your life typically moves and flows changes course in a way you don ’ t want .
I know that they are woven so tightly within the fabric of your life that if they disappeared , you would unravel .
The truth is this : Your life will be different .
Of course , things will hurt .
Parts of your life are uprooting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shift , it ’ s natural to want to resist , because it rarely does so without aching .
I am not asking you to believe that your heart won ’ t break or that you will get over things quickly .
I am asking you to recognize that despite this , you will heal , and you will be happy again .
I know there is part of you that can ’ t even fathom being happy again without their presence by your side .
I know they are your world .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ that .
I think we often forget that worlds exist too .
They live and breathe .
They feel and move .
They rotate and change .
They aren ’ t just here for us .
We pretend like they are because we chose them to fixate on , and so they must remain here permanently .
They don ’ t .
The good news is that they are not the only ones that will move on .
So will you .
You will move on , and it will be beautiful .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ It will hurt some .
It will feel strange and unfamiliar , but it will be wonderful all the same .
It will ask you to step outside of the world you ’ ve known and to step into a brand new one that is calling your name .
You will move on because they were not your beginning , and they aren ’ t your ending , either .
You existed long before they ever arrived in your life , and you will continue to be your radiant self long after they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ worlds collided for a little while , doesn ’ t mean they have the best of you .
The best of you remains and is still becoming every single day .
You will move on because time will do you the gracious favor of erasing the tiny details you swore you ’ d never forget .
It will feel impossible at first .
You won ’ t stop focusing on every memory that you can recall .
It will seem insane to believe that when you walk past that street , or hear @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that you won ’ t think of them with an ache .
Yet Time will eventually wrap you in its arms and slowly allow those memories that feel so sharp now to fade .
It will be kind to you in this way , even if it seems to take awhile .
You will move on because you have love to give that shouldn ’ t be reserved for someone who doesn ’ t want to stay .
It ’ s understandable to fight for the people you love , but sometimes part @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whenever they want to leave .
You can know that you gave someone your heart , and you did so willingly , but that doesn ’ t mean they keep it when they walk away .
Love doesn ’ t disappear with one person , it continues to grow .
You are capable of so much , and there are others out there who will be deserving of it .
They will stay , and they will love you the same way in return .
You will move on because you have to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the person you ’ re pining for has already decided to change the world you knew into something unrecognizable .
You can ’ t stay there anymore , because it ’ s only going to ruin you .
There is nothing left there for you anymore .
So you will move on , because the choices you have are to allow your spirit to die here , or you take a brave step into the promise of the unknown .
You will move on , because your life is waiting for you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to show you what ’ s next .

I know that you can’t picture your life without them. It’s not a small thing, a tiny feeling to take lightly. I know that without them, the way your life typically moves and flows changes course in a way you don’t want. I know that they are woven so tightly within the fabric of your life that if they disappeared, you would unravel.
The truth is this: Your life will be different. Of course, things will hurt. Parts of your life are uprooting, they are changing. When things shift, it’s natural to want to resist, because it rarely does so without aching. I am not asking you to believe that your heart won’t break or that you will get over things quickly. I am asking you to recognize that despite this, you will heal, and you will be happy again.
I know there is part of you that can’t even fathom being happy again without their presence by your side. I know they are your world. You know why? You made them that.
I think we often forget that worlds exist too. They live and breathe. They feel and move. They rotate and change. They aren’t just here for us. We pretend like they are because we chose them to fixate on, and so they must remain here permanently. They don’t.
The good news is that they are not the only ones that will move on. So will you.
You will move on, and it will be beautiful. It will be devastating at first. It will hurt some. It will feel strange and unfamiliar, but it will be wonderful all the same. It will ask you to step outside of the world you’ve known and to step into a brand new one that is calling your name.
You will move on because they were not your beginning, and they aren’t your ending, either. You existed long before they ever arrived in your life, and you will continue to be your radiant self long after they’ve gone. Just because your worlds collided for a little while, doesn’t mean they have the best of you. The best of you remains and is still becoming every single day.
You will move on because time will do you the gracious favor of erasing the tiny details you swore you’d never forget. It will feel impossible at first. You won’t stop focusing on every memory that you can recall. It will seem insane to believe that when you walk past that street, or hear that song, or watch that movie that you won’t think of them with an ache. Yet Time will eventually wrap you in its arms and slowly allow those memories that feel so sharp now to fade. It will be kind to you in this way, even if it seems to take awhile.
You will move on because you have love to give that shouldn’t be reserved for someone who doesn’t want to stay. It’s understandable to fight for the people you love, but sometimes part of loving them is letting them go whenever they want to leave. You can know that you gave someone your heart, and you did so willingly, but that doesn’t mean they keep it when they walk away. Love doesn’t disappear with one person, it continues to grow. You are capable of so much, and there are others out there who will be deserving of it. They will stay, and they will love you the same way in return.
You will move on because you have to. Whether you want to or not, the person you’re pining for has already decided to change the world you knew into something unrecognizable. You can’t stay there anymore, because it’s only going to ruin you. There is nothing left there for you anymore. So you will move on, because the choices you have are to allow your spirit to die here, or you take a brave step into the promise of the unknown.
You will move on, because your life is waiting for you, and it can’t wait to show you what’s next.


thoughtcatalog--2020-03-11--You’re No Longer Here, But Somehow You’re Everywhere

Sometimes I think that if I weren ’ t so rooted in the place I call home , I ’ d pack everything up , take out an obscene loan , and disappear into the mountains .
I was not born in a place where you can easily sever ties , not some podunk town in Wisconsin or a sleepy little burg in Ohio .
I hail from the Deep South , and when you ’ re born here , your DNA knows it .
But after you and I called it quits , I somehow managed to forget that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the endless nights sitting in the dark in my new and alien apartment , I still had to go out into this city I had called home for more than 30 years and have to see all the ghostly imprints of you and I .
We walked together for a decade .
There ’ s not a lot of ground we have not touched .
The city glows with our footsteps .
On Saturdays , we ’ d wake up early , get breakfast , and run the town , and nine times @ @ @ @ @ @ @ end up at the mall .
This routine was so frequent that sometimes I ’ d tell you we had to mix it up because the monotony was draining .
The first time I went to the mall after things had ended , I got as far as the bottom floor of Macy ’ s before my throat grew a rock and I had to hurry back to my car , promising myself I could get whatever I needed from Amazon .
That was my life for a few months after my hand @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
Forget Target .
It ’ s attached to the movie theater , so we would wander around there waiting for our show to start , scoring cheap candy to hoard in my bag , looking at the t-shirts , the books , the DVDs .
We had been together so long that if I happened to lose you in the store , I ’ d know exactly where to go to find you , wandering down the toy aisle with the Transformers and Star Wars toys that you never bought but always @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at you and think , “ I belong to this person , no matter where we are in the world.
” It was the emotional equivalent of living inside of a self-sustainable fortress .
Being movie buffs , we used to go to the theater almost every other weekend , and now I can ’ t go on my own or with someone else , because I ’ m always going to seek out our seats—middle row , last two seats on the left .
You on the outside , because you always @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to see a movie a few times afterward and automatically took my old spot , but when I ’ d look to my left to share a laugh with you , I ’ d be laughing with an empty seat .
That put an end to the laughing very quickly .
So , scratch movie theaters .
All of them .
iTunes exists for a reason .
It never once occurred to me to find a new spot .
When I go to the movies with other people , our old seats draw @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I wonder if I ’ ll ever be able to sit down at a restaurant and not order your drink for you , or if I will ever be able to cross the threshold of a Best Buy without following a phantom around , watching you pick up things and put them back .
Go anywhere in a store without turning around to ask you , “ What do you want to do next ?
” or “ Can we go here ?
” Taking items out of your arms so you wouldn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , trying to convince you that you deserved to treat yourself once in a while .
And restaurants ?
It ’ s a feat of mental gymnastics trying to remember a place where we haven ’ t eaten , and we live in New Orleans , where there are more restaurants than good sense .
Whenever I eat with someone else at a restaurant , I never sit with my back to the door .
Just like you .
Stepping into your shoes so I don ’ t have to be in mine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ still have a piece of you left , however tiny .
When I drive home from visiting my parents , I always get over in the next lane , preparing to take the exit for our ( your , I remind myself , your ) condo .
And when I get on the interstate , my thumb automatically hovers over the call button on my steering wheel to let you know I ’ m on my way home .
When I pick up the phone at work to call my mother , I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Always .
Even after a year .
Maybe forever .
I don ’ t know .
This feels like it might be forever .
One year of a new life against 10 of routine is nothing , pennies to our millions .
We used to go on little trips to Biloxi to cleanse our palette of the daily routine .
Nothing big—cheap hotel room with a pool , a few bucks left after bills .
We ’ d go to the cheesy souvenir shops and splurge on a nice dinner at our favorite @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the beach and take silly pictures of each other , wade into the light green water , search for squids , fly the drone , get sunburned .
At night , we ’ d take advantage of the delicious sensation of being in a new place and melt into one another .
I went to Biloxi a few times after we went our separate ways and it was a war zone .
There ’ s the hotel we stayed at where we thought we ’ d lose our kidneys , the one you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ keep your gun on the dresser .
There ’ s that stretch of beach where we took that selfie—you know , the one where I ’ m laughing at you ?
There ’ s that gas station where we stopped to fuel up before going home and I found 90 bucks under my car , which bought us gas and groceries for the next week .
I drove for 1 1/2 hours , sat on the beach for 20 minutes , and wandered all the way back home , a hazard on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a human being should have a right to .
On days where the mall would lose its luster and we ’ d have a little money in our pockets , you ’ d suggest we go to New Orleans , a place you always claimed you hated , but you were always the one suggesting it , so we ’ d go .
I always drove , because I know the city .
You could drive to the same place a million times and still get lost .
I never minded that , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
We ’ d walk the French Quarter , peruse the art in Jackson Square , buy a muffuletta at Central Grocery , and meander from the tourist traps down to good old Royal Street , where we could spend several hours wandering in and out of the art shops .
We always stopped at that store that sold the old Civil War muskets , and you always said you ’ d buy one day , but never did , and now I wonder if someone else will have the power to convince @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with you lines the circumference of my heart like a miniature museum , the contents under bomb-proof glass , riddled with fingerprints , as if it ’ s always my first time visiting .
Comic Cons , cemetery walks , Houston , Destin , Gatlinburg .
Gatlinburg , where we survived a hellish family vacation with my parents , where you saved me and your entire family from dying in a fire .
Gatlinburg , where I will never be able to go again because the only way Gatlinburg exists for me is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a special place on the Roaring Fork trail , a secret little waterfall behind the Ephraim Bales cabin , where our initials are scrawled in Sharpie on the walls , binding us together in time if not in reality .
On your last trip to Gatlinburg ( sans me , post-breakup ) , per my request , you brought me rocks from that little waterfall .
Sometimes I hold the smallest and smoothest of them all in my palm and roll it around , as if it will whisk me back to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and I alone in a forest with nothing but time on our side .
Gatlinburg was a place where our problems did not exist , a way to bridge the gaps without having to resort to uncomfortable conversations .
It may have been a Band-Aid over a bullet hole , but we were our best selves there .
I know that there ’ s no way I can avoid these places forever .
You haunt my heels wherever I go , and I would give anything to look behind me and find you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ safety like a tired vagrant after a train .
I ’ m afraid that it ’ s a feeling that you and you alone can give me , but that does me no good now .
It ’ s one thing to be terrified of the entire world and the ghosts it plays host to , but my biggest fear is that one Saturday I will go to the mall for something inconsequential and I will glance up and you will be there , just not alone .
Or that I ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and you ’ ll be showing that someone a lightsaber , and they ’ ll be convincing you to buy it .
I ’ ll be scrolling through Instagram and you ’ ll have your arm around some other girl on the Roaring Fork trail .
When that day comes , all of our ghosts will disappear for you , and I ’ ll be the one left with all of our memories , stacked haphazardly on the curb , destined for the garbage , my arms thrown defiantly over them , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ too heavy for me to carry alone .
This is a big city but a small town , and the idea of watching you share our life with someone else will be a very bitter pill to swallow .
Amazon , here I come .
Not knowing where you are or what you ’ re doing—or more importantly , who you ’ re doing it with—is a lot like being left at the bottom of a pit or free-falling without a net .
Whenever I ’ m running errands or doing something new @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lessened because I can ’ t tell or share it with you .
I can ’ t add it to our war chest .
I can ’ t call you to say , “ You ’ ll never believe what I saw at the mall ” or “ I wish you were here ” or “ I ’ ll be home in 20 minutes , do you need anything ?
” I live 30 minutes away from you , and it feels as if you ’ ve never stood beside me , never @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the experiences we ever accumulated over the past decade belong to the dust now , like a project I ’ ll never be able to see to fruition , all that hard work wasted .
A pretty dream in my head .
I know that I left .
I wish I could tell you and the entire world with a straight face that I left our problems , not you , but that ’ s splitting hairs and I won ’ t say it for the sake of sounding profound .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but I want you enough to know that this is not what I want .
I want to turn around and find you there .
I want to know where you are , because even if I ’ m not there , I want to know that I will be .
Everywhere .
How can you be everywhere when you ’ re not here ?
And where else can I go when you ’ re gone forever ?

Sometimes I think that if I weren’t so rooted in the place I call home, I’d pack everything up, take out an obscene loan, and disappear into the mountains. I was not born in a place where you can easily sever ties, not some podunk town in Wisconsin or a sleepy little burg in Ohio. I hail from the Deep South, and when you’re born here, your DNA knows it. But after you and I called it quits, I somehow managed to forget that after the panic attacks at Walmart, the endless nights sitting in the dark in my new and alien apartment, I still had to go out into this city I had called home for more than 30 years and have to see all the ghostly imprints of you and I. We walked together for a decade. There’s not a lot of ground we have not touched. The city glows with our footsteps.
On Saturdays, we’d wake up early, get breakfast, and run the town, and nine times out of 10, we’d end up at the mall. This routine was so frequent that sometimes I’d tell you we had to mix it up because the monotony was draining. The first time I went to the mall after things had ended, I got as far as the bottom floor of Macy’s before my throat grew a rock and I had to hurry back to my car, promising myself I could get whatever I needed from Amazon. That was my life for a few months after my hand slipped out of yours.
And Target? Forget Target. It’s attached to the movie theater, so we would wander around there waiting for our show to start, scoring cheap candy to hoard in my bag, looking at the t-shirts, the books, the DVDs. We had been together so long that if I happened to lose you in the store, I’d know exactly where to go to find you, wandering down the toy aisle with the Transformers and Star Wars toys that you never bought but always searched through. I used to look at you and think, “I belong to this person, no matter where we are in the world.” It was the emotional equivalent of living inside of a self-sustainable fortress.
Being movie buffs, we used to go to the theater almost every other weekend, and now I can’t go on my own or with someone else, because I’m always going to seek out our seats—middle row, last two seats on the left. You on the outside, because you always needed an escape route. I went to see a movie a few times afterward and automatically took my old spot, but when I’d look to my left to share a laugh with you, I’d be laughing with an empty seat. That put an end to the laughing very quickly. So, scratch movie theaters. All of them. iTunes exists for a reason. It never once occurred to me to find a new spot. When I go to the movies with other people, our old seats draw my eyes like a dead body.
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to sit down at a restaurant and not order your drink for you, or if I will ever be able to cross the threshold of a Best Buy without following a phantom around, watching you pick up things and put them back. Go anywhere in a store without turning around to ask you, “What do you want to do next?” or “Can we go here?” Taking items out of your arms so you wouldn’t put them on the shelf, trying to convince you that you deserved to treat yourself once in a while. And restaurants? It’s a feat of mental gymnastics trying to remember a place where we haven’t eaten, and we live in New Orleans, where there are more restaurants than good sense. Whenever I eat with someone else at a restaurant, I never sit with my back to the door. Just like you. Stepping into your shoes so I don’t have to be in mine always makes me feel as if I still have a piece of you left, however tiny.
When I drive home from visiting my parents, I always get over in the next lane, preparing to take the exit for our (your, I remind myself, your) condo. And when I get on the interstate, my thumb automatically hovers over the call button on my steering wheel to let you know I’m on my way home. When I pick up the phone at work to call my mother, I always dial your number. Still. Always. Even after a year. Maybe forever. I don’t know. This feels like it might be forever. One year of a new life against 10 of routine is nothing, pennies to our millions.
We used to go on little trips to Biloxi to cleanse our palette of the daily routine. Nothing big—cheap hotel room with a pool, a few bucks left after bills. We’d go to the cheesy souvenir shops and splurge on a nice dinner at our favorite steak place. We’d walk the beach and take silly pictures of each other, wade into the light green water, search for squids, fly the drone, get sunburned. At night, we’d take advantage of the delicious sensation of being in a new place and melt into one another. I went to Biloxi a few times after we went our separate ways and it was a war zone. There’s the hotel we stayed at where we thought we’d lose our kidneys, the one you teased me about because you had to keep your gun on the dresser. There’s that stretch of beach where we took that selfie—you know, the one where I’m laughing at you? There’s that gas station where we stopped to fuel up before going home and I found 90 bucks under my car, which bought us gas and groceries for the next week. I drove for 1 1/2 hours, sat on the beach for 20 minutes, and wandered all the way back home, a hazard on the roads because I was sobbing harder than a human being should have a right to.
On days where the mall would lose its luster and we’d have a little money in our pockets, you’d suggest we go to New Orleans, a place you always claimed you hated, but you were always the one suggesting it, so we’d go. I always drove, because I know the city. You could drive to the same place a million times and still get lost. I never minded that, because that meant that you needed me.
We’d walk the French Quarter, peruse the art in Jackson Square, buy a muffuletta at Central Grocery, and meander from the tourist traps down to good old Royal Street, where we could spend several hours wandering in and out of the art shops. We always stopped at that store that sold the old Civil War muskets, and you always said you’d buy one day, but never did, and now I wonder if someone else will have the power to convince you. Every experience I ever had with you lines the circumference of my heart like a miniature museum, the contents under bomb-proof glass, riddled with fingerprints, as if it’s always my first time visiting.
Comic Cons, cemetery walks, Houston, Destin, Gatlinburg. Gatlinburg, where we survived a hellish family vacation with my parents, where you saved me and your entire family from dying in a fire. Gatlinburg, where I will never be able to go again because the only way Gatlinburg exists for me is right next to you. We had a special place on the Roaring Fork trail, a secret little waterfall behind the Ephraim Bales cabin, where our initials are scrawled in Sharpie on the walls, binding us together in time if not in reality. On your last trip to Gatlinburg (sans me, post-breakup), per my request, you brought me rocks from that little waterfall. Sometimes I hold the smallest and smoothest of them all in my palm and roll it around, as if it will whisk me back to the past like the tiniest Delorean, you and I alone in a forest with nothing but time on our side. Gatlinburg was a place where our problems did not exist, a way to bridge the gaps without having to resort to uncomfortable conversations. It may have been a Band-Aid over a bullet hole, but we were our best selves there.
I know that there’s no way I can avoid these places forever. You haunt my heels wherever I go, and I would give anything to look behind me and find you there. I chase that feeling of safety like a tired vagrant after a train. I’m afraid that it’s a feeling that you and you alone can give me, but that does me no good now.
It’s one thing to be terrified of the entire world and the ghosts it plays host to, but my biggest fear is that one Saturday I will go to the mall for something inconsequential and I will glance up and you will be there, just not alone. Or that I’ll turn around a corner at Comic Con, and you’ll be showing that someone a lightsaber, and they’ll be convincing you to buy it. I’ll be scrolling through Instagram and you’ll have your arm around some other girl on the Roaring Fork trail. When that day comes, all of our ghosts will disappear for you, and I’ll be the one left with all of our memories, stacked haphazardly on the curb, destined for the garbage, my arms thrown defiantly over them, not caring that they’ll be too heavy for me to carry alone. This is a big city but a small town, and the idea of watching you share our life with someone else will be a very bitter pill to swallow. Amazon, here I come.
Not knowing where you are or what you’re doing—or more importantly, who you’re doing it with—is a lot like being left at the bottom of a pit or free-falling without a net. Whenever I’m running errands or doing something new and interesting, the entire experience is lessened because I can’t tell or share it with you. I can’t add it to our war chest. I can’t call you to say, “You’ll never believe what I saw at the mall” or “I wish you were here” or “I’ll be home in 20 minutes, do you need anything?” I live 30 minutes away from you, and it feels as if you’ve never stood beside me, never been inside of me, and all of the experiences we ever accumulated over the past decade belong to the dust now, like a project I’ll never be able to see to fruition, all that hard work wasted. A pretty dream in my head.
I know that I left. I wish I could tell you and the entire world with a straight face that I left our problems, not you, but that’s splitting hairs and I won’t say it for the sake of sounding profound. I don’t know what I want, but I want you enough to know that this is not what I want. I want to turn around and find you there. I want to know where you are, because even if I’m not there, I want to know that I will be.
Everywhere. How can you be everywhere when you’re not here?
And where else can I go when you’re gone forever?