buzzfeed--2020-08-25--COVID Is Making Younger, Healthy People Debilitatingly Sick For Months. Now They’re Fighting For Rec

COVID Is Making Younger, Healthy People Debilitatingly Sick For Months. Now They’re Fighting For Recognition.

Across the globe , scores of COVID “ long-haulers ” have been fighting for doctors to believe and help them .
On Friday , they finally got a meeting with the World Health Organization .
There were weeks when Hannah Davis couldn ’ t remember how to send a text message .
On top of the extreme fatigue , racing heart rate , and difficulty breathing she experienced daily , the most terrifying part of being sick with COVID-19 for the last 21 weeks , Davis said , has also been one of the hardest to explain : losing her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have a brain injury .
I have a hard time remembering who I was , ” she said .
“ It was hard to remember I had to feed myself a couple times a day.
” Davis , 32 , is a programmer who spent her days pre-pandemic working on machine learning and artificial intelligence , often presenting to big audiences , including at the Library of Congress .
That all came crashing to a halt in March , when she got sick .
She had to move back in with her mom @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been unable to function normally .
Doctors , even sympathetic ones , had no answers .
Most questioned whether her symptoms , particularly the neurological ones , were linked to COVID at all .
But Davis soon realized that she was not alone .
She ’ s among the thousands of people across the globe — many of whom were young , active , and healthy — who have been debilitated by ongoing , unexplainable symptoms .
These patients , also known as long-haulers , are crushing the popular idea that COVID is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ vulnerable people .
And after months of self-organizing on social media to document their symptoms and collect data , Davis is now part of a group that ’ s pushing for the medical establishment to take them seriously too .
On Friday , led by LongCovidSOS , a patient-led advocacy group in the UK , Davis and about 60 other long-haulers had a closed , invite-only meeting with top officials from the World Health Organization in the biggest recognition yet that the medical world is starting to pay attention and figure out solutions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that this small but significant progress — eight months into the pandemic , with almost 800,000 deaths from COVID-19 worldwide so far — will draw attention to the more than tens of millions who have survived , blurring what we understand as the difference between illness and recovery .
The long-haulers called in to the WHO meeting from places around the world — the US , the UK , India , Italy , Spain , France , Finland , Senegal , and South Africa — but they all shared largely the same story @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this , and now I can not seem to get better .
I haven ’ t been able to get my doctor to believe me because I do not have a positive test result , and I need a lot of care that does not exist where I live .
Leaders from the WHO , including the director-general , said they were “ very aware ” of and now doing research into “ long COVID , ” people who attended the meeting told BuzzFeed News .
But even top medical specialists acknowledged they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of these symptoms were happening in younger people whose cases had been initially categorized as “ mild ” — meaning they were sick , but not sick enough to be hospitalized .
While the meeting was a positive , validating step for Davis and the other long-haulers , conversations around testing , antibodies , and the need for rehabilitative care made it clear that there is far more work that needs to be done .
“ This is not just a respiratory illness .
This is a systemic illness that makes you lose @ @ @ @ @ @ @ told BuzzFeed News from her mom ’ s Rhode Island home , where she is now living .
“ And the most shocking thing to me is how long it has taken for doctors and the general public to realize this basic fact.
” David Putrino , the director of rehabilitation innovation at New York City ’ s Mount Sinai hospital , has been studying and caring for long-haulers at one of the nation ’ s only post-COVID clinics since May .
He said that as important as these grassroots advocacy efforts are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The CDC and the WHO need to be throwing their resources behind them , Putrino said , or else millions of people are going to be “ left out in the cold.
” “ It 's not that we do n't have capacity — we do have capacity .
What we need to do is rapidly mobilize and educate people that long COVID is a real thing , and it ’ s going to be around for a while , ” he said .
“ There 's a lot of hurt and we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but we need a lot of people to pick up the torch and run with us.
” Davis had no idea what was happening to her back in March .
She had to stop showering because there were too many steps — it was exhausting .
She would stare at her fingers trying to parse a text message , wondering what they were doing .
It sometimes felt , she said , like someone had suddenly turned a windshield wiper on over her brain — everything would go blank .
For 24 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Then , she came across an op-ed by Fiona Lowenstein , another woman in New York who had started a support group to talk about recovery .
The group she launched , called Body Politic , now has 7,500 members on Slack .
Davis also joined several Facebook groups , with more than 17,500 long-haulers in one Facebook group and 5,000 in another .
Scrolling through Body Politic ’ s nearly 50 Slack channels , Davis was stunned to keep reading accounts identical to hers , but from yoga instructors in Chicago , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ married couple from Utah in their forties .
BuzzFeed News spoke with more than 100 of these long-haulers who described a set of similar symptoms : Their hearts would race and palpate .
They got winded walking up stairs and were unable to stand for long periods of time .
Though fatigue was common , many people also said they couldn ’ t sleep .
They had relentless fevers , violent diarrhea , and throbbing headaches .
The tips of their fingers and toes often burned intensely , like they got plugged into @ @ @ @ @ @ @ having extremely heavy periods — or no periods at all — and having their hair fall out in clumps .
And , like Davis , most of them were trying to figure out what was going on with their bodies while navigating what they call a “ brain fog , ” a mix between short-term memory loss and an inability to focus .
Most notably , the vast majority of long-haulers described visiting doctors with no answers to give — or worse , who suggested that their symptoms could possibly be linked to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ But Davis and several other Body Politic members with backgrounds in data , science , and medicine saw a way to counter that doubt : harnessing the anecdotes in the group to gather data and force change .
They formed their own research group and began organizing patients ’ daily symptoms .
It was a “ coping strategy , ” she said , to sift through information and search for answers .
On May 11 , they published the first extensive report detailing the volatile and often unpredictable recovery process , based on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ findings were trailblazing and “ a huge shock to the narrative of what COVID actually was , ” Davis said , and caught the attention of reporters and prestigious medical journals .
It also made clear that testing systems were failing : Only a quarter of the respondents tested positive — nearly half were never able to get a test — but they still all reported experiencing about 60 of the same persistent symptoms .
They are aiming to publish another report soon highlighting what long-haulers ’ symptoms look like after six months @ @ @ @ @ @ @ open book of patient-written history of the virus , ” said Lowenstein , Body Politic ’ s founder .
She calls the group “ a headquarters for patient advocacy efforts.
” “ You can see how the symptoms have morphed over time and how diverse the patient experience is , ” Lowenstein said , describing how people have been joining the group in geographic waves .
“ In the beginning of the summer , a bunch of people from Brazil were messaging me .
Then I started hearing from more people in India @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scientists have started collecting data on the longer-term effects of COVID too .
A study out of Germany found that 78 out of 100 patients — most of whom recovered at home — had heart complications two months later .
An Italian study found that 87 % of hospitalized patients still had a variety of symptoms after two months .
Putrino has been studying and treating the long COVID cases since May .
He ’ s been in contact with about 90,000 people in almost 100 countries who are all reporting nearly the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that knock their autonomic nervous systems out of whack .
Their average age is about 38 , he said , and they ’ re mainly women .
Before COVID , many of them were vibrant , active , “ and breezing through life , ” he said .
Now , they can ’ t work and often need help with basic tasks , like feeding themselves .
“ It feels like your body is rebelling against you and , to add insult to injury , it ’ s an unpredictable war , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ enough to make everyone pause and think , Yeah , I am young and healthy , but can I afford to be out of action for six months ?
Because that is what we are seeing.
” Months into their advocacy efforts , the murky long-term effects of COVID are getting the attention of the biggest health agencies in the world .
In July , the CDC acknowledged that a significant chunk of COVID patients — 35 % — do not recover after three weeks , even if their cases were considered too @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the patient-led research team met with the health agency , which hopes to start its own investigation , in a meeting Davis called “ incredibly validating.
” Friday ’ s meeting with the WHO was Davis and the other long-hauler advocates ’ biggest move yet .
For one and a half hours , the long-haulers shared their testimonies with top officials , including Director-General Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus and the WHO ’ s technical lead for coronavirus response , Maria Van Kerkhove , who asked questions .
The WHO officials agreed to have periodic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and are putting together a pamphlet on what is known about the long-term effects of COVID-19 .
But , according to Lowenstein , the meeting also made clear there are still fundamental misunderstandings about what COVID looks like .
For example , she said , existing WHO guidelines with health and rehab recommendations for patients are still only targeted at people who ’ ve been hospitalized .
“ There still is not enough understanding that the word ‘ mild ’ in and of itself is extremely misleading , ” she said .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a ‘ mild ’ case could leave you with disabilities and long-term chronic issues.
” Like many health organizations and doctors across the US , WHO officials also did not understand that the bulk of long-haulers were not testing for antibodies , did not have positive test results for the virus , or even have access to tests .
Body Politic ’ s first report made this problem clear — many long-haulers were unable to get tested in the early days of the pandemic or live in countries with scarce testing supplies .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ still feeling ill , only to come back with negative results .
Those results matter : Many long-haulers described their inability to get treatment and the doubt they felt — from doctors , family , and even themselves — without a positive test in hand .
“ False testing is rampant and widespread , ” Lowenstein said .
“ COVID-19 patients are not testing positive for antibodies , and the WHO didn ’ t seem to understand that was happening in droves .
It didn ’ t seem to be doing a ton @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , they left the meeting feeling hopeful and with promises that this will be part of an “ ongoing and robust conversation that will lead to improved communication and guidelines from the WHO.
” To Putrino and other experts who ’ ve been working with long-haulers , what ’ s really needed are effective rehab services to help recondition and train their systems .
According to Davis and dozens of others still feeling symptoms , there are only a few specialists across the US who are really listening to and working with them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ believe them , long-haulers have been circulating their names so avidly in their online support groups that the first available appointment is often a year away .
Davis had been calling a neurologist in Chicago , who was booked out until September 2021 , multiple times a day .
Last week , she got lucky and nabbed a cancellation for March .
“ If medical centers across the country start creating post-COVID centers , we won ’ t have a generation of long-term , chronically ill people .
But if we don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ terrifying as many long-haulers ’ journeys have been , some of them are starting to get better .
Lowenstein has been largely symptom-free since June .
In between messages about strange seizures , bruises , and light sensitivity on their forums , there are success stories and small victories : being able to kick a soccer ball with their kids with no relapse or pain ; carrying groceries up the stairs on their own ; sleeping through the night for the first time in months ; dipping their toes in a lake and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Davis is getting a little better too .
She doesn ’ t need to take as many naps and conversations aren ’ t as hard for her to follow .
She ’ s slowly choosing how her life will look .
She ’ s considering moving to a city with a post-COVID clinic and using her past skill set , when she can , to research and advocate for long-haulers full-time .
She still feels far away from herself , but has never been more aware of her body and what it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my sense of self is still intact , ” she said .
“ And I trust myself to take care of myself.
” ●

There were weeks when Hannah Davis couldn’t remember how to send a text message. On top of the extreme fatigue, racing heart rate, and difficulty breathing she experienced daily, the most terrifying part of being sick with COVID-19 for the last 21 weeks, Davis said, has also been one of the hardest to explain: losing her mind.
“I feel like I have a brain injury. I have a hard time remembering who I was,” she said. “It was hard to remember I had to feed myself a couple times a day.”
Davis, 32, is a programmer who spent her days pre-pandemic working on machine learning and artificial intelligence, often presenting to big audiences, including at the Library of Congress. That all came crashing to a halt in March, when she got sick. She had to move back in with her mom and, for 150 days, has been unable to function normally. Doctors, even sympathetic ones, had no answers. Most questioned whether her symptoms, particularly the neurological ones, were linked to COVID at all.
But Davis soon realized that she was not alone. She’s among the thousands of people across the globe — many of whom were young, active, and healthy — who have been debilitated by ongoing, unexplainable symptoms. These patients, also known as long-haulers, are crushing the popular idea that COVID is only serious for a small percentage of vulnerable people.
And after months of self-organizing on social media to document their symptoms and collect data, Davis is now part of a group that’s pushing for the medical establishment to take them seriously too.
On Friday, led by LongCovidSOS, a patient-led advocacy group in the UK, Davis and about 60 other long-haulers had a closed, invite-only meeting with top officials from the World Health Organization in the biggest recognition yet that the medical world is starting to pay attention and figure out solutions.
The growing group of long-haulers hopes that this small but significant progress — eight months into the pandemic, with almost 800,000 deaths from COVID-19 worldwide so far — will draw attention to the more than tens of millions who have survived, blurring what we understand as the difference between illness and recovery.
The long-haulers called in to the WHO meeting from places around the world — the US, the UK, India, Italy, Spain, France, Finland, Senegal, and South Africa — but they all shared largely the same story: I was young and active before this, and now I cannot seem to get better. I haven’t been able to get my doctor to believe me because I do not have a positive test result, and I need a lot of care that does not exist where I live.
Leaders from the WHO, including the director-general, said they were “very aware” of and now doing research into “long COVID,” people who attended the meeting told BuzzFeed News. But even top medical specialists acknowledged they didn’t know that so many of these symptoms were happening in younger people whose cases had been initially categorized as “mild” — meaning they were sick, but not sick enough to be hospitalized. While the meeting was a positive, validating step for Davis and the other long-haulers, conversations around testing, antibodies, and the need for rehabilitative care made it clear that there is far more work that needs to be done.
“This is not just a respiratory illness. This is a systemic illness that makes you lose connection with the world,” Davis told BuzzFeed News from her mom’s Rhode Island home, where she is now living. “And the most shocking thing to me is how long it has taken for doctors and the general public to realize this basic fact.”
David Putrino, the director of rehabilitation innovation at New York City’s Mount Sinai hospital, has been studying and caring for long-haulers at one of the nation’s only post-COVID clinics since May. He said that as important as these grassroots advocacy efforts are, they are far from enough. The CDC and the WHO need to be throwing their resources behind them, Putrino said, or else millions of people are going to be “left out in the cold.”
“It's not that we don't have capacity — we do have capacity. What we need to do is rapidly mobilize and educate people that long COVID is a real thing, and it’s going to be around for a while,” he said. “There's a lot of hurt and we are doing what we can to help, but we need a lot of people to pick up the torch and run with us.”


buzzfeed--2020-08-27--What My Mother Didn't Talk About

What My Mother Didn't Talk About

My mother and I were very close , but when she died last year there was still so much I didn ’ t know about her .
Twenty-eight years is a long time to be sick .
The recurrences were such that each time made me think that my mother had made a deal with the devil and was therefore invincible .
I ’ d say , “ You ’ ll outlive us all.
” Or at least some of us .
But she didn ’ t .
When I came home to take care of her in September 2019 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
I told myself things like , I ’ m not in denial .
But by then I really was .
When she said , “ I want you to come home and take care of me so I don ’ t have to go to hospice.
” I said , “ What are you talking about ?
I thought you were getting better.
” She weighed 99.6 pounds when she died .
I had watched as her weight inched down to 100 over the course of a year .
Last summer , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and watched her writhe in pain in the aftermath and so I went and bought her a new mattress and 10 new pillows .
I wanted to make her comfortable .
I massaged her back with moisturizer as she sat against me and my father talked to us .
She moaned in pain and I could see the outline of each bone as I did it .
I was worried I was hurting her but she told me to keep going .
I knew she wasn ’ t getting better .
That fall @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she drained the fluids that had collected from my mother ’ s leaking lungs three times a week .
Even then , I knew she wasn ’ t getting better .
I sat across from them both as my mother looked at me , a placid expression on her face , and asked me , “ Why are you crying ?
” Weeks after her death I was rummaging through her email , looking for some evidence that she had lied to me .
That she had conveyed hope about a hopeless condition @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was worse than I imagined .
As if a chart could explain what I had seen for myself but still chose to deny .
My mother was born in a small village in postwar Poland in a house with no indoor toilet .
I pointed this out to people from time to time because I was so proud of how far she had come as an immigrant .
She was a person who was born into poverty , along with my father , and together they came to America and did well for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the story .
It was supposed to illustrate the poverty .
“ Everyone had an outhouse , ” she ’ d say .
“ I wasn ’ t special.
” In fact , years later , when we visited the country , retracing our flight from Communist Poland in 1981 , we stopped at my great-aunt ’ s farm in the Polish countryside and she still had an outhouse .
We marveled at it until we had to use it .
My mother said that on winter nights she would hold a rope @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wouldn ’ t lose her way in the dark .
This was the reality of Poland in the 1960s .
She went to school in the morning and watched the young women from the overnight shift at the factory coming home and swore she wouldn ’ t end up like them .
My grandfather , who was captured as a POW and forced into a German labor camp when serving in the Polish army during World War II , told my mother he didn ’ t see the point in her going to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ She passed the entrance exams and went anyway .
She was one of a handful of women in her polytechnic in Łódź .
Later , she was only one of a handful of women who had a professional engineering license in Connecticut .
She ran her own successful consulting firm and she yelled at bullying male building contractors all day .
She never called herself a feminist .
Poland was full of stories of woe .
For my parents , it was a place from which to escape .
Once , when I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about , they said being back in Poland on vacation and the borders closing .
Being trapped .
They looked at each other as they admitted their fears to me .
They had no idea they had been having the same nightmare for decades .
We did not visit Poland often .
Only when someone died .
I have not been able to bring part of my mother ’ s ashes to Poland yet because of the pandemic .
They sit in my living room , waiting to join my other dead relatives @ @ @ @ @ @ @ live in California , 3,000 miles away from where I grew up , and when my mother couldn ’ t sleep she ’ d call me .
I always picked up .
“ I think I know how I got sick , ” she said once .
My mother had an aversion to being sick and to anyone knowing about it .
Her father had tuberculosis and had to be sent to a sanatorium to recover .
My mother , her brother , and my grandmother would visit him as he was quarantined @ @ @ @ @ @ @ play with her or her brother afterward .
They would taunt them that they were sick too .
To be sick , my mother learned , was a humiliation .
When she became sick this final time , she isolated herself so much that she stopped seeing or talking to her friends , except for a handful of emails I found .
Her business associates didn ’ t even know she was sick .
I had to tell them she was dead and listen to their shock and grief .
She had worked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 99.6 pounds .
On the phone , late that night , she recounted how her father was vigilant against things like bedbugs .
She whispered to me that he would come into her room and spray everything down with DDT .
She said he ’ d even spray down her pillows and sheets .
She recounted , with wonder , how the spray looked in the morning light .
“ Or maybe I got sick because they made us get X-rays when I was in puberty .
To make sure I didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mother countered .
How would I know for sure ?
Now that she 's gone , I would never know anything at all .
There was no finding the truth .
There were just stories .
When I asked my mother why my grandfather was orphaned she told me his mother had died when he was young and his father had remarried a woman who didn ’ t want him or his two sisters .
They were shipped off to different orphanages .
Later , in his early twenties , he reunited with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a relationship with his father .
My mother told me that my grandfather had said that at a wedding for his half-sibling after the war , the entire family was poisoned by black market vodka , which my grandfather had taken only a few sips of .
They all died except my grandfather .
He was left with no one again .
These were the stories of Poland that I grew up with .
Fantastical , breathtaking .
When I asked my mother why she was so tough — really , a hard-ass @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the family had a car .
There were maybe only a few other families with cars ; they only had one thanks to my grandfather ’ s job as a mechanic .
But the village boys thought my mother , just in elementary school then , was putting on airs .
They were all poor but my mother didn ’ t want to be .
So each day they followed her home and harassed her .
She learned to run , to take different streets .
And she balled up her fists and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ever get anything over her , she said .
She glared at me .
As if I made her remember something painful that she had been intent on forgetting .
But I wanted more .
I ’ ll never get to hear more now , at least from her .
My mother hated dwelling on the past : “ There was too much sadness there.
” And so she concentrated on the future .
Except , in the years before her death , she ’ d started calling me to say things like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we should have left Poland after all.
” This was a shocking admission from a woman who loved America more than anyone I knew .
Who believed it was the one country you could build yourself into whoever you wanted to be .
A place that accepted a family who had no money , no recognizable name , no understanding of the language , and allowed them to work to be someone else .
That didn ’ t mean it wasn ’ t difficult or that , in her waning days , my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ quite worth it .
“ If I had known that Communism would fall 10 years after we left , I would not have left , ” she said .
“ We just believed it would go on forever.
” My parents were graduate students when they decided to leave .
Or rather , the situation had become so untenable that they had to leave .
They felt like the country would always be one of food rations and lack of opportunity .
So they sewed our birth certificates , their school diplomas , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of their suitcases and we left .
They only told their parents the night before for fear of someone turning them in .
Twenty-five years after we left Poland as political refugees , we returned , to bury my grandfather , and retrace our steps of leaving the country .
My parents , my sister , my brother , and I went through a border crossing in Chałupki , Poland .
As my father handed over our American passports , I saw him become more and more agitated , as if he had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time before , when my parents pretended to be going on vacation in order to leave and beg for political asylum in Vienna .
The tension and fear was still present in his muscle memory .
He only spoke English to the border guard , who insulted him by saying my brother , who had been born in the US , was the only real American of any of us as he returned our passports 30 minutes later .
We crossed into the Czech Republic and then , with ease , into Austria @ @ @ @ @ @ @ between the landscape of formerly Communist countries and the verdant hills of this one .
The difference felt like a cliché .
Bright flowers bloomed outside gingerbread houses , a stark contrast to the gray Eastern bloc apartments that had ruined the landscape of where we had just been .
The kind of industrial apartments where I ’ d been born .
Our destination was the town of Traiskirchen , and the refugee camp that we had been sent to after my father had followed the instructions he was given by people who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ asylum at a police station in Vienna .
My family and I stood outside the walls of the refugee camp and I couldn ’ t believe it was still operational .
I looked at the armed guards at the gates , at the razor wire lining the top of the redbrick fence .
I looked at the long underwear drying outside a window as my parents wept .
“ You chased a boy for bread , ” my mother said .
“ You were always hungry.
” We left those memories behind and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ small village where my parents had taken us when we were allowed out of the refugee camp and where we had lived for a few months in a family-run bed and breakfast , paid for by the Austrian government and the United Nations Refugee Agency .
The owner remembered my parents .
He was their age , and recalled how his father had let us stay there years before .
I used to stare at old photos of my sister and I looking at the sky in similarly patterned dresses , or the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the ground with our hands cupped , hoping for what ?
I don ’ t know .
My parents walked us to the parking lot where those pictures were taken .
They took us to other markers from photos I ’ d spent my life since staring at , trying to piece together where I came from .
I wonder if other children of refugees feel permanently displaced .
If we are always looking for a home .
I have lived in Poland , Texas , Connecticut , California , New York , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ felt a sense of home anywhere I am .
In fact , all I feel is a sense of longing for another place .
A place I can not name .
That sense of longing now extends to feeling outside of my body .
Someone recently told me that losing your mother is primal .
It is the deepest loss .
I felt validated in my feelings of being absolutely adrift .
I no longer had a planet to orient myself around .
Who was I if I could not call my mother @ @ @ @ @ @ @ work ?
Who was I if I could not text her every day ?
Or ask for her help and advice as I navigated the world ?
She hadn ’ t given me enough advice , wisdom , knowledge to make it through the rest of my life .
I hadn ’ t stored any of it away .
I didn ’ t even really know who she was .
My mother came from a hard place where to be vulnerable or to share your feelings could leave you open to threats .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ That was a lesson I internalized and one that I still struggle with today .
Her fear of seeming weak made her miss out on spending time with people who loved her and who could ease some of her suffering .
When I came home to take care of her after her final surgery last fall , we tangled like mother and daughter who were too similar .
During the surgery her heart had stopped on the operating table .
There was some discrepancy between the doctors over whether it had stopped for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ truth — something else I will never know — it had altered her personality .
She became angry and aggressive .
The more acerbic parts of the mother I knew were now more pronounced .
I could also feel the desperation .
When I sat across from her in her bedroom , looking at her newly shorn hair , I cried .
Again , with that placid look on her face , she asked , “ Why are you crying ?
” I just shook my head because I couldn ’ t say @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” she said .
But I knew I couldn ’ t .
That night , in bed , as we lay next to each other , I asked her something it had taken me hours to muster up the courage to ask : “ Are you dying ?
” She inhaled and said , sounding surprised , “ I don ’ t know .
Do you think I ’ m dying ?
” I knew the answer but to say it out loud meant that I had given up on her .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ was strong enough to make it through .
“ I don ’ t know , ” I said instead .
I ’ m ashamed that I couldn ’ t tell the truth .
And from there I believed the lie .
I believed it as we went to doctors and I explained symptoms that she had withheld from them .
I believed it even as I saw their alarmed looks or when her lung doctor said she was actually doing well .
That she just needed to walk more and work out her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when she stood on the scale and I saw 99.6 flash on .
I took that lie and went to New York to work for a week , leaving her behind in Connecticut .
Something I find it hard to forgive myself for .
When I returned to Connecticut on the day before she died , my father and I went to the Polish store to buy her favorite meats and sausages and she called me on my cellphone .
She was having trouble speaking but barked , “ When are you coming @ @ @ @ @ @ @ away , I told her .
When I came home , I was alarmed .
Her pupils were huge .
She could not get out of bed .
I wanted to hug her but I didn ’ t want to crush her .
She was as small as a bird .
Still , I told her I had to go back to the store .
I wanted to buy her blueberries for oatmeal in the morning .
To resume our routine .
She looked scared .
I had been sleeping with her at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fear came and with me by her side she was less afraid .
I held her hand and said , “ I ’ ll be back and we ’ ll sleep together again and it will be OK. ” When she smiled at me , the first smile I had seen in weeks , she already looked like a skeleton .
She had hardly been eating and yet I wanted to get her blueberries .
I drove to the market with the windows open , blasting music and crying .
What I don @ @ @ @ @ @ @ now feels infinite .
I can ask my father certain things , but her innermost thoughts and who she was as a person beyond what she was willing to tell me are out of my reach for good .
“ Why did you think it would have been better to stay in Poland ?
” I asked her during one of our late-night phone calls .
“ Because if we did , you would be married with three children by now , ” she said .
I didn ’ t like her answer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ say no matter who it wounded .
I lay beside her all night as she was dying .
We were both scared and even then she tried to protect me from what was happening .
She tried to comfort me by hiding the truth of what was happening even as things took a turn for the worse .
It was just the two of us .
She had brought me into this world and I was helping her out of it .
I stroked her back .
I told her not to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fell asleep .
Now I wonder , How could I ?
I woke up to her calling my father on her cellphone and not saying a word .
He ran downstairs and she asked him to help her take a shower .
He helped her to the bathroom and then she collapsed .
And still , I felt shock .
She had called me home to help take care of her as she was dying and I knew what was happening but I could not believe it .
She had called me home @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my grandfather as he was dying .
He had died in the morning too .
I remember lying on the couch in the living room as he was dying in the next room .
I didn ’ t want to leave him and only fell asleep after feeling as though someone had put a blanket over me .
In the morning , I rushed to his room and found him cold .
I had not been vigilant on either occasion and I had missed something .
I had missed everything .
How do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you are ?
Your history and where you came from when the people who made you are gone ?
I ’ m left behind looking for clues .
Clues of who my mother was as much as who she wanted me to be .
She was proud of me .
She , after all , worked extra hours so I could take writing classes .
She sent me places she could never go herself because she knew the thing you needed to make it in America was access .
She fought for her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then in America .
And yet she wasn ’ t sure if it was worth it .
What had the struggle been for then ?
Her admission felt like a betrayal of everything we had grown up believing .
Or was it just the offhand remark of a woman who was looking back at her life — all the pleasures and pain — and trying to make sense of it ?
I had 28 extra years with my mother .
When she was first diagnosed I was only 12 .
The landscape of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if I ’ d lost her then .
I would not be who I am without the pieces of her that I have .
The stories she did tell me .
There is a photo of her and me that I ’ ve kept .
We are in Texas and I am about 6 years old .
She was probably 35 then .
I am clutching onto her and my mouth is open in a scream .
She ’ s wearing a khaki top and matching shorts .
She has a slight smile @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my screams .
What is she thinking about ?
I never thought to ask her about the photo or what she was staring at .
It feels like a tidy visual of how I felt about her both when she was alive and now that she is dead .
A rageful desire to keep every piece of a woman I obsessed over .
She gave me all of herself and it still wasn ’ t — will never be — enough .
I now know she was depressed and anxious .
She missed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would rarely see until she died at nearly the same age my mother had been when she passed on too .
In the small village of Bedoń where my mother was born , there is a cemetery , much like the cemeteries you find in village centers all over Poland .
My grandmother is buried there .
We buried my grandfather there too .
My mother is interred in Texas and we buried some of her ashes under a mesquite tree on our property .
I stare at the cross made of rocks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ assembled to mark it .
My parents had begun splitting their time between Connecticut and Texas , hoping to spend their retirement in Texas .
Perhaps they also hoped to find some semblance of home as memories of Poland became more and more remote .
In mourning , I have learned that every version of myself must grieve her loss .
Sometimes I find myself walking on the street hearing the refrain “ Where is my mother ?
” playing on a loop in my head as if I am a small child @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about what will happen as my memories of my mother become more remote too .
I worry I will forget her altogether , and will just have pictures to rely on , as I try to understand what she was thinking and feeling as she stared off or looked directly at the camera .
Where do I put the memories I do have and want to forget ?
Her anguished last hours .
The guilt I feel at leaving her in her final days , knowing she was waiting for me to return @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with her as she died ?
When I close my eyes I see her collapsing and opening and closing her mouth searching for air .
Those memories are as true as the ones she told me about her life before me and the memories I ’ ve searched for in photographs I have of her .
In me they are forced to coexist .
And yet , writing about her at all feels like a betrayal .
Writing about her most vulnerable moments goes against everything she believed in .
I can imagine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ remark in her accented English .
And all I can think is that I can ’ t get the truth right , her spirit right , anyway .
Have I reduced her to a simple immigration story ?
I feel like I don ’ t have enough to go on , to know her as much as I wanted to , even though she wasn ’ t as opaque as I might make her out to be .
My mother ’ s favorite childhood memory , as she told it to me , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cherry tree in their yard .
She would climb up in the branches and eat cherries and watch the yard , the street .
She said it ’ s where she felt safe : “ No one could reach me up there.
” She wasn ’ t a person who dwelled on the past , though .
She only wanted to look forward .
“ The past is too painful , ” she said .
“ It doesn ’ t help you to look back.
” But looking back is all I want @ @ @ @

We did not visit Poland often. Only when someone died. I have not been able to bring part of my mother’s ashes to Poland yet because of the pandemic. They sit in my living room, waiting to join my other dead relatives in her village of Bedoń.
I live in California, 3,000 miles away from where I grew up, and when my mother couldn’t sleep she’d call me. I always picked up.
“I think I know how I got sick,” she said once.
My mother had an aversion to being sick and to anyone knowing about it. Her father had tuberculosis and had to be sent to a sanatorium to recover. My mother, her brother, and my grandmother would visit him as he was quarantined. No one in her village would play with her or her brother afterward. They would taunt them that they were sick too. To be sick, my mother learned, was a humiliation. When she became sick this final time, she isolated herself so much that she stopped seeing or talking to her friends, except for a handful of emails I found. Her business associates didn’t even know she was sick. I had to tell them she was dead and listen to their shock and grief. She had worked until a week before she died. 99.6 pounds.
On the phone, late that night, she recounted how her father was vigilant against things like bedbugs. She whispered to me that he would come into her room and spray everything down with DDT. She said he’d even spray down her pillows and sheets. She recounted, with wonder, how the spray looked in the morning light.
“Or maybe I got sick because they made us get X-rays when I was in puberty. To make sure I didn’t have tuberculosis too,” my mother countered.
How would I know for sure? Now that she's gone, I would never know anything at all. There was no finding the truth. There were just stories.
When I asked my mother why my grandfather was orphaned she told me his mother had died when he was young and his father had remarried a woman who didn’t want him or his two sisters. They were shipped off to different orphanages. Later, in his early twenties, he reunited with one of his sisters and even rekindled a relationship with his father. My mother told me that my grandfather had said that at a wedding for his half-sibling after the war, the entire family was poisoned by black market vodka, which my grandfather had taken only a few sips of. They all died except my grandfather. He was left with no one again.
These were the stories of Poland that I grew up with. Fantastical, breathtaking. When I asked my mother why she was so tough — really, a hard-ass — she said that it was because the family had a car. There were maybe only a few other families with cars; they only had one thanks to my grandfather’s job as a mechanic. But the village boys thought my mother, just in elementary school then, was putting on airs. They were all poor but my mother didn’t want to be. So each day they followed her home and harassed her. She learned to run, to take different streets. And she balled up her fists and learned to fight. No one would ever get anything over her, she said. She glared at me. As if I made her remember something painful that she had been intent on forgetting. But I wanted more. I’ll never get to hear more now, at least from her.
My mother hated dwelling on the past: “There was too much sadness there.” And so she concentrated on the future. Except, in the years before her death, she’d started calling me to say things like: “I don’t think we should have left Poland after all.”
This was a shocking admission from a woman who loved America more than anyone I knew. Who believed it was the one country you could build yourself into whoever you wanted to be. A place that accepted a family who had no money, no recognizable name, no understanding of the language, and allowed them to work to be someone else. That didn’t mean it wasn’t difficult or that, in her waning days, my mother perhaps thought it wasn’t quite worth it.
“If I had known that Communism would fall 10 years after we left, I would not have left,” she said. “We just believed it would go on forever.”
My parents were graduate students when they decided to leave. Or rather, the situation had become so untenable that they had to leave. They felt like the country would always be one of food rations and lack of opportunity. So they sewed our birth certificates, their school diplomas, and other important papers into the lining of their suitcases and we left. They only told their parents the night before for fear of someone turning them in.
Twenty-five years after we left Poland as political refugees, we returned, to bury my grandfather, and retrace our steps of leaving the country. My parents, my sister, my brother, and I went through a border crossing in Chałupki, Poland. As my father handed over our American passports, I saw him become more and more agitated, as if he had been plunged into the memory of the time before, when my parents pretended to be going on vacation in order to leave and beg for political asylum in Vienna. The tension and fear was still present in his muscle memory. He only spoke English to the border guard, who insulted him by saying my brother, who had been born in the US, was the only real American of any of us as he returned our passports 30 minutes later.
We crossed into the Czech Republic and then, with ease, into Austria, where I noted the marked difference between the landscape of formerly Communist countries and the verdant hills of this one. The difference felt like a cliché. Bright flowers bloomed outside gingerbread houses, a stark contrast to the gray Eastern bloc apartments that had ruined the landscape of where we had just been. The kind of industrial apartments where I’d been born.
Our destination was the town of Traiskirchen, and the refugee camp that we had been sent to after my father had followed the instructions he was given by people who had previously fled and asked for political asylum at a police station in Vienna. My family and I stood outside the walls of the refugee camp and I couldn’t believe it was still operational. I looked at the armed guards at the gates, at the razor wire lining the top of the redbrick fence. I looked at the long underwear drying outside a window as my parents wept.
“You chased a boy for bread,” my mother said. “You were always hungry.”
We left those memories behind and went to Klam, Austria, a small village where my parents had taken us when we were allowed out of the refugee camp and where we had lived for a few months in a family-run bed and breakfast, paid for by the Austrian government and the United Nations Refugee Agency. The owner remembered my parents. He was their age, and recalled how his father had let us stay there years before. I used to stare at old photos of my sister and I looking at the sky in similarly patterned dresses, or the two of us naked and staring at the ground with our hands cupped, hoping for what? I don’t know.
My parents walked us to the parking lot where those pictures were taken. They took us to other markers from photos I’d spent my life since staring at, trying to piece together where I came from.


buzzfeed--2020-08-28--19 Reasons Why There's Absolutely Zero Reason To Not Wear A Mask If You Can

These people yell about how it 's their `` right '' to not wear a mask in a store , @ @ @ @ @ it is to wear a mask , etc .
Just spouting off a bunch of @ @ @ @ @ pixelated Facebook post shared by a fake Ted Nugent account or a page called something @ @ @ @ @ — The People Deserve to Own Proximity Mines ! ''

These people yell about how it's their "right" to not wear a mask in a store, about how "dangerous" it is to wear a mask, etc. Just spouting off a bunch of nonsense they saw in a pixelated Facebook post shared by a fake Ted Nugent account or a page called something like "Tell Governor Whitmer — The People Deserve to Own Proximity Mines!"


buzzfeed--2020-08-27--A 23-Year-Old Hospitalized With The Coronavirus Is Using TikTok To Give People A Firsthand Look At H

A 23-Year-Old Hospitalized With The Coronavirus Is Using TikTok To Give People A Firsthand Look At His Experience

`` I decided to document this journey to spread awareness , as well as for everyone to see that this @ @ @ @ @ .
The only way to fight it is if we follow guidelines .
...
It @ @ @ @ @ person to spread it to a lot of other people , '' he said .

"I decided to document this journey to spread awareness, as well as for everyone to see that this virus is not a joke. The only way to fight it is if we follow guidelines. ... It really only takes one infected person to spread it to a lot of other people," he said.


buzzfeed--2020-08-27--Yes, Hurricane Laura Really Did Tear Down A Confederate Monument

In Lake Charles , Louisiana , the fate of a Confederate monument was decided by nature .
Hurricane Laura destroyed the South 's Defenders monument , which stood on the grounds of a courthouse in Lake Charles .
This summer , amid a national reckoning on Confederate monuments , protesters called for the statue to be moved to a museum , a point of view shared by Lake Charles Mayor Nic Hunter .
The statue was dedicated in 1915 , part of a wave of monuments honoring the Confederacy during the Jim Crow era .
`` When we think about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ white supremacy and enslaved African Americans , ” Cary Chavis , who started one of three petitions to remove the statue , told local TV station KPLC in June .
“ So we have this monument out in front of our courthouse , which is to be a place where people can see justice and fairness and we have a monument that represents slavery in front of it , and that 's not something we should ever support . ''
But on Aug. 13 , the Calcasieu Parish Police Jury voted to keep @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reported .
News of the statue ’ s destruction spread quickly online , much to the joy of people supporting the removal of the monument .

In Lake Charles, Louisiana, the fate of a Confederate monument was decided by nature.
Hurricane Laura destroyed the South's Defenders monument, which stood on the grounds of a courthouse in Lake Charles.
This summer, amid a national reckoning on Confederate monuments, protesters called for the statue to be moved to a museum, a point of view shared by Lake Charles Mayor Nic Hunter. The statue was dedicated in 1915, part of a wave of monuments honoring the Confederacy during the Jim Crow era.
"When we think about this Confederate monument, it literally symbolizes white supremacy and enslaved African Americans,” Cary Chavis, who started one of three petitions to remove the statue, told local TV station KPLC in June. “So we have this monument out in front of our courthouse, which is to be a place where people can see justice and fairness and we have a monument that represents slavery in front of it, and that's not something we should ever support."
But on Aug. 13, the Calcasieu Parish Police Jury voted to keep the statue, the Lafayette Daily Advertiser reported.
On Aug. 27, Hurricane Laura reversed that decision.
News of the statue’s destruction spread quickly online, much to the joy of people supporting the removal of the monument.
“The Confederate general has fallen,” tweeted Davante Lewis, a director at Louisiana Budget Project, a watchdog organization.


buzzfeed--2020-08-27--The H1N1 Vaccine Is A Cautionary Tale For The Coronavirus

The first lesson of any vaccination program ?
“ You have to get people on board with getting the vaccine.
” First reports of the outbreak were dire , spreading from a foreign country with a 41 % mortality rate and triggering a crash race for a vaccine .
The year was 2009 , and the illness was the H1N1 flu , the last time the US rolled out a new nationwide vaccine in response to a pandemic .
That 2009 H1N1 flu vaccine , produced in a $ 2 billion sprint from April to November of 2009 , has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the 2020 presidential election .
Last week , White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany tweeted that the Obama and Biden team ’ s response to the emergence of the pandemic flu strain — which ultimately killed more than 12,000 Americans — was “ FAILED.
” Scientists stress that the comparison is not entirely valid , in large part because of the vast differences between the flu strain and the novel coronavirus .
But as the US prepares an unprecedented national rollout of SARS-CoV-2 vaccines , with millions of doses already being manufactured in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ vaccine — with its low coverage rates , up-and-down demand , and initial shortages followed by oversupply — serves as a cautionary tale for both Joe Biden and President Donald Trump .
“ Nothing went flawless or perfect , and the deaths were tragic and disappointing , ” said Howard Koh , a former Obama administration Department of Health and Human Services official .
“ There were a lot of challenges , but everyone pulled together , which I worry about now.
” On Wednesday , the CDC ’ s Advisory Committee on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Warp Speed coronavirus vaccines and outline strategies for inoculating the first wave of people — most likely healthcare workers — with their first doses , if they prove safe and effective .
“ The H1N1 vaccine experience is only partly applicable to COVID-19 , but it does offer the lesson that a strong communication plan needs to be in place ahead of time , starting , well , now , ” said health communications expert K. Viswanath of Harvard ’ s T. H. Chan School of Public Health .
Biden has pledged to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and distribution , if elected .
( His campaign did not provide a response when asked about the 2009 vaccine , which was largely managed by federal science officials . )
The Trump administration ’ s Operation Warp Speed has invested around $ 8 billion in developing vaccines and treatments for COVID-19 so far and promised to deliver 300 million doses of a coronavirus vaccine to the US by January .
( Operation Warp Speed ’ s federal leaders backtracked on this pledge in a New England Journal of Medicine report on Wednesday @ @ @ @ @ @ @ doses , where many of its candidates are two-shot inoculations , by July . )
“ A huge lesson from H1N1 is that it takes just a tremendous amount of work and preparation that all has to be done ahead of time to roll out a new vaccine , ” former HHS official Nicole Lurie of the Coalition for Epidemic Preparedness Innovations told BuzzFeed News .
( Lurie is a medical adviser to Biden but emphasized she was not speaking on behalf of the campaign . )
“ You really have to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for shipment.
” In reality , the Obama administration response to H1N1 was well run , University of Michigan medical historian Howard Markel told BuzzFeed News , featuring regular updates from medical officials to the public and producing a vaccine in record time .
“ There really was terrific communication and coordination between state , local , and federal health officials , ” said Markel , who sat on an outside expert panel monitoring the response as it happened .
Markel added that the Trump criticism of Biden for the Obama administration ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ misplaced , since the Trump administration has overseen a pandemic response that has led to more than 177,000 Americans dying .
Despite those deaths , public confidence in a coronavirus vaccine ’ s safety is in poor shape , with 35 % of Americans saying they wouldn ’ t take a free vaccine from the FDA , according to a recent Gallup poll .
Similar safety concerns led to a disappointing rollout of the H1N1 vaccine , amid dissipating fear of an influenza strain that turned out less deadly than was initially feared @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but a lot less people ended up getting the vaccine than they should have , ” Markel said .
“ That ’ s the first lesson of any vaccination program : You have to get people on board with getting the vaccine.
” In some ways , the 2009 H1N1 outbreak was a reverse image of the novel coronavirus pandemic : While it wasn ’ t even clear to the world that SARS-CoV-2 spread from person to person until weeks into the outbreak , the earliest cases of H1N1 emerged in a report @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with a report of a disease that struck 6.5 % of patients with critical cases and killed 41 % of those .
The H1N1 outbreak spread to the US , Canada , and Europe by April of 2009 , with the CDC releasing a successful test for the virus globally on the first day of May .
( In the case of SARS-CoV-2 , the CDC ’ s first batch of tests turned out to be botched . )
By June , the flu virus had reached 75 countries , leading the World @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ The demand for a vaccine was borne from those first few months — April , May , June , everyone wanted a vaccine , ” said Markel .
In another difference from COVID-19 , the 2009 flu targeted the young rather than the old , with 85 % of deaths occurring to people younger than age 60 .
The elderly turned out to have greater immunity due to childhood infections with a distantly related H1N1 influenza strain .
Clinical trials of H1N1 vaccines began in July of 2009 , with federal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for a rollout .
But since the flu virus is heavily seasonal , cases faded in the northern hemisphere with summer , and with it , public concern over the virus faded as well .
By August , a poll found that only 40 % of parents planned to get the H1N1 shot for their children .
Meanwhile , right-wing radio host Rush Limbaugh and comedian Bill Maher were among those bad-mouthing the risks of the rapidly developed vaccine , raising popular fears .
The US H1N1 vaccine was just as safe as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have shown .
In early October , the Obama administration first began distributing the vaccine with only 2.4 million doses available and , facing an early fall flu season , recommended children and pregnant women be prioritized for the two-shot vaccine .
The result was a surge in demand in some places with not enough supply .
Former HHS official Lurie said the agency ended up placing observers in manufacturing facilities to oversee production .
`` There are going to be delays no matter whatever happens , '' Lurie said .
By the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ distributed only 23 million doses .
When hundreds of millions of doses later became available , demand for the vaccine died down , leaving a patchwork of coverage around the country .
In Rhode Island , about 85 % of children were vaccinated while in Georgia , home to the CDC , only 21 % were .
`` One lesson of H1N1 is that when supply is more plentiful , people are less likely to want it , '' said Lurie .
`` It 's just human nature to really want something more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ means you have to keep working to get people vaccinated even after you have ironed out supply problems . ''
In the end , while 40 % of adults got the single shot for the seasonal flu in the 2009 flu season , only 23 % were vaccinated against H1N1 , according to the CDC .
“ That was a failure , and a main driver was a perception of safety , ” said Rally Health behavioral scientist Ezequiel Galarce , who led a 2011 study finding low vaccination rates among Black and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a risk-to-benefit calculation that people make about vaccinations , with a huge emotional aspect , ” he added .
“ I think we will see that now , just like then.
” “ What keeps me up at night is that the first vaccines are going to roll off the assembly line , or gon na roll off first , because they were the easiest to construct and the fastest to mass-produce , ” not the most effective or best ones , Children 's Hospital of Philadelphia vaccine expert Paul Offit @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Monday .
The FDA has set the bar for approval of a COVID-19 vaccine at 50 % effectiveness in blocking transmission of the virus .
But to halt an epidemic , a coronavirus vaccine should prevent at least 70 % of infections as long as at least three-quarters of the population is inoculated , according to an American Journal of Preventive Medicine analysis released on Tuesday .
“ We are facing mountains of misinformation we didn ’ t have then , ” said Viswanath .
Like any vaccine , coronavirus inoculations will doubtless @ @ @ @ @ @ @ occasional fevers .
That ’ s normal .
But how will reports of those totally foreseeable side effects play out in today ’ s social media–amplified world of viral conspiracy theories and organized anti-vaccine campaigns ?
“ I worry all of these things will come together to undermine a coronavirus vaccine , ” said Viswanath .
What ’ s more , the politicization of the pandemic , with masks , hydroxychloroquine , and death rates from COVID-19 all becoming matters of partisan disagreement , points to a likely politicization of vaccines as well @ @ @ @ @ @ @ vaccine flipping with ownership of the White House .
Others fear Trump pressuring the FDA to release a shoddy vaccine in a desperate bid for reelection .
The chaos of FDA scientists likely resigning over the decision , vaccine trial scientists protesting , and loud blowback from outside vaccine experts , all of them facing off with a Trump campaign now down by more than 7 % in an average of national polls , would be awful , said Koh , wrecking the trust in vaccines that is the first condition needed for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Society of America warned FDA commissioner Stephen Hahn against taking such a step in a letter released on Wednesday .
“ Making a vaccine available before sufficient safety and efficacy data are available could significantly undermine COVID-19 vaccination efforts and seriously erode confidence in all vaccines , ” it read .
Hahn ’ s credibility has come under fire in his handling of an emergency authorization for use of blood plasma as a treatment for COVID-19 , where he bungled the statistics about its effectiveness amid political pressure from Trump .
He apologized @ @ @ @ @ @ @ raised eyebrows on Wednesday by promoting a vaccine advisory committee meeting on Oct. 22 , in a Twitter thread touting enrollment in the vaccine candidate trials .
“ We really will need national unity of some kind , to have high vaccination rates , ” said Galarce .
“ Sometimes the messenger matters more than the message , ” he added .
Short of the “ October surprise , ” there are plenty of pitfalls pointed out by the 2009 experience .
Both the CDC and the National Academies of Science , Engineering @ @ @ @ @ @ @ COVID-19 vaccines more easily available to Black and Latino people , trying to avoid disparities seen in the 2009 vaccine rollout .
The key to that effort will be reaching out to community leaders and finding out how to make the vaccines more accessible , so that people don ’ t have to take three buses and stand in line for hours to get a shot .
“ It ’ s a lot easier to remove barriers than to increase people ’ s motivation , ” said Galarce .
At Wednesday ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for refrigeration raised concerns about the shelf life of the first two vaccines in the Operation Warp Speed pipeline , one made by Pfizer and one made by Moderna , which could lead to the kinds of shortages that plagued the H1N1 vaccine rollout .
Advisory committee members were asked to consider scenarios for the rollout of the two vaccines as soon as October .
If both vaccines were successful , that would provide 35 to 45 million doses — enough to inoculate half that many people because the vaccines require two shots @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Given local COVID-19 outbreaks and varied capabilities to store vaccines , the CDC ’ s Nancy Messonnier said federal officials will need to “ leave state local health departments some flexibility to deal with their own local situations ” during the coronavirus vaccine rollout .
She recalled the H1N1 experience to make this point , calling it “ very different but with certain similarities.
” The individual calculus that people did in 2009 drove older folks away from getting a shot , because H1N1 was widely seen as dangerous only to the young @ @ @ @ @ @ @ side of that calculation for a coronavirus vaccine , with young people deciding to skip a shot because of their lowered risk , potentially undermining herd immunity .
The rise of anti-vaccination attitudes among parents , as well as the drastically lower chances of serious illness in children , could also reduce inoculations among kids .
Such decisions undermine herd immunity to the virus , because infected kids can pass along the coronavirus .
One important step is letting people know right now that the FDA and CDC are planning an intense vaccine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s Kathryn Edwards , scientific director of the Vanderbilt Vaccine Research Program .
Her program will be headquarters for a consortium with six other schools running a 24-hour hotline for doctors with any safety questions once a coronavirus vaccine is available .
At the CDC ’ s vaccine meeting , officials described a number of FDA , CDC , and Defense Department programs to watch for any signs of adverse events in vaccines , ranging from the Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System ( VAERS ) , created in 1986 , which tallies @ @ @ @ @ @ @ system , stood up by Lurie and other officials in the H1N1 crisis , which collects rapid reports of adverse vaccine events from Medicare and insurers , feeding them directly to federal overseers .
On top of building the vaccine safety hotline system , Edwards also participates in the safety monitoring of one Operation Warp Speed vaccine that is currently in clinical trials and planned for testing in 30,000 patients .
“ We are really seriously looking for any concerns .
I work from Sunday to Saturday , and so do a lot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ People should know this .
”

Scientists stress that the comparison is not entirely valid, in large part because of the vast differences between the flu strain and the novel coronavirus. But as the US prepares an unprecedented national rollout of SARS-CoV-2 vaccines, with millions of doses already being manufactured in preparation, the story of the 2009 vaccine — with its low coverage rates, up-and-down demand, and initial shortages followed by oversupply — serves as a cautionary tale for both Joe Biden and President Donald Trump.
“Nothing went flawless or perfect, and the deaths were tragic and disappointing,” said Howard Koh, a former Obama administration Department of Health and Human Services official. “There were a lot of challenges, but everyone pulled together, which I worry about now.”
On Wednesday, the CDC’s Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices met to discuss two Operation Warp Speed coronavirus vaccines and outline strategies for inoculating the first wave of people — most likely healthcare workers — with their first doses, if they prove safe and effective.
“The H1N1 vaccine experience is only partly applicable to COVID-19, but it does offer the lesson that a strong communication plan needs to be in place ahead of time, starting, well, now,” said health communications expert K. Viswanath of Harvard’s T. H. Chan School of Public Health.
Biden has pledged to add $25 billion toward vaccine development and distribution, if elected. (His campaign did not provide a response when asked about the 2009 vaccine, which was largely managed by federal science officials.) The Trump administration’s Operation Warp Speed has invested around $8 billion in developing vaccines and treatments for COVID-19 so far and promised to deliver 300 million doses of a coronavirus vaccine to the US by January. (Operation Warp Speed’s federal leaders backtracked on this pledge in a New England Journal of Medicine report on Wednesday, setting the goal as 300 million doses, where many of its candidates are two-shot inoculations, by July.)
“A huge lesson from H1N1 is that it takes just a tremendous amount of work and preparation that all has to be done ahead of time to roll out a new vaccine,” former HHS official Nicole Lurie of the Coalition for Epidemic Preparedness Innovations told BuzzFeed News. (Lurie is a medical adviser to Biden but emphasized she was not speaking on behalf of the campaign.) “You really have to be ready months before the vaccine is ready for shipment.”
In reality, the Obama administration response to H1N1 was well run, University of Michigan medical historian Howard Markel told BuzzFeed News, featuring regular updates from medical officials to the public and producing a vaccine in record time. “There really was terrific communication and coordination between state, local, and federal health officials,” said Markel, who sat on an outside expert panel monitoring the response as it happened.
Markel added that the Trump criticism of Biden for the Obama administration’s handling of the 2009 pandemic seemed misplaced, since the Trump administration has overseen a pandemic response that has led to more than 177,000 Americans dying.
Despite those deaths, public confidence in a coronavirus vaccine’s safety is in poor shape, with 35% of Americans saying they wouldn’t take a free vaccine from the FDA, according to a recent Gallup poll. Similar safety concerns led to a disappointing rollout of the H1N1 vaccine, amid dissipating alarm about an influenza strain that turned out less deadly than was initially feared.
“It was a success, but a lot less people ended up getting the vaccine than they should have, ” Markel said. “That’s the first lesson of any vaccination program: You have to get people on board with getting the vaccine.”


buzzfeed--2020-08-27--Donald Trump And Republicans Have Seen The Future And It Is Canceled

A few weeks ago , most Americans either hadn ’ t heard of “ cancel culture ” or were quite unfamiliar with the term .
Since Monday night , primetime convention speakers repeatedly have warned of a future where conservative patriots are silenced and vilified as a nation led by Joe Biden descends into lawlessness .
Democrats and the media , they ’ ve argued , are canceling your beloved founding fathers and will cancel you next if you don ’ t adhere to their politically correct point of view .
The message stands out during a week when Republicans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump and his “ Keep America Great ” promises .
And it comes with an emotional urgency that convention speakers — first lady Melania Trump and Vice President Mike Pence being exceptions — have not held for the coronavirus .
Trump ’ s allies , after three days , have elevated cancel culture as a threat equal to , if not greater than , a pandemic responsible for 180,000 US deaths .
The most pronounced example of the theme ’ s priority came Tuesday night when Nick Sandmann — the Kentucky high school @ @ @ @ @ @ @ after an interaction with a Native American activist in Washington , DC — addressed the virtual convention in primetime .
Early video of the 2019 encounter at the Lincoln Memorial spread rapidly on social media , and early coverage presented Sandmann , shown wearing a red “ Make America Great Again ” hat and a tight smile , as an instigator .
Subsequent videos provided more context , showing Sandmann had not started an already-tense situation .
He has since settled lawsuits against CNN and the Washington Post .
“ I learned that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ name , ” Sandmann , now 18 , said in his remarks .
“ It was called 'being canceled . '
As in annulled .
As in revoked .
As in made void .
Canceled is what ’ s happening to people around this country who refuse to be silenced by the far left .
Many are being fired , humiliated , or even threatened .
And often , the media is a willing participant .
But I would not be canceled.
” Two recent polls from Morning Consult suggest cancel culture is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it is .
In one from late July shared with BuzzFeed News , 46 % of adults surveyed had never heard of cancel culture ; 18 % were “ not very familiar ” with it .
In the other , conducted for Politico , registered voters were read a definition : “ the practice of withdrawing support for ( or canceling ) public figures and companies after they have done or said something considered objectionable or offensive ” and “ generally discussed as being performed on social media in the form of group @ @ @ @ @ @ @ A plurality of respondents , 44 % , strongly or somewhat disapproved , 32 % strongly or somewhat approved , and 24 % had no opinion .
Nearly half , 46 % , believed cancel culture had gone too far .
Democrats tended to be more favorable than Republicans .
Some Republican strategists believe the messaging can work , and that this week ’ s emphasis on cancel culture will resonate with voters .
“ Part of the reason why it does is it ’ s in the news daily , so it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s lives , ” Corry Bliss , a Republican strategist who works on House and Senate races , told BuzzFeed News .
“ And I think what a lot of Republican or independent voters are frustrated with is it seems like the left hates President Trump and Republicans so much that they always go too far.
” Canceling — or ostracizing or shaming someone for their behavior — is relatively new and thrives in some areas online , especially among people who spend a lot of time online .
The concept and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ purpose have recent origins in Black Twitter and , going back deeper , in the 1991 film New Jack City .
But like all things that mutate on social media , the act of canceling has spread from policing unquestionably abhorrent behavior , such as racism , misogyny , and sexual harassment , to refereeing political disputes and lesser transgressions .
And the punishments — whether boycotts or firings or prolonged public embarrassment — are not always viewed in hindsight as a proportional response .
The origin of the noun `` cancel culture @ @ @ @ @ @ @ its use became more prevalent a few years ago when the rapper Kanye West became friendly with Trump .
Republicans have weaponized the phrase to evoke images of a hostile gang of politically correct liberal vigilantes coming to damn you for life .
“ The politics of identity , cancelation , and mob rule are not acceptable to me , ” Daniel Cameron , the first Black attorney general of Kentucky , said in his convention speech Tuesday night .
“ Republicans trust you to think for yourselves and to pursue your American @ @ @ @ @ @ @ strategy goes beyond defending founding fathers ( enslavers whose contributions to history are under uncomfortable reflection amid a national conversation on systemic racism ) , preserving statues honoring Confederate leaders ( who fought for the right to continue slavery ) , and rationalizing whatever a person or company may say or do to warrant cancelation .
Republicans are asserting more broadly that Democrats wish to also cancel the police ( via the Defund Police movement that Biden has publicly opposed ) and the suburbs ( through low-income housing that Trump has warned against @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they are extending their mob rule imagery to anti-racism protests happening across the country , including in Kenosha , Wisconsin , where a Black man was shot in the back by a white police officer on Sunday .
“ As hard as Democrats try , they can ’ t cancel our heroes , ” Sen. Marsha Blackburn of Tennessee said of law enforcement and military officers during Wednesday night ’ s convention program .
“ They can ’ t contest their bravery , and they can ’ t dismiss the powerful sense of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
… Joe Biden , Kamala Harris , and their radical allies try to destroy these heroes , because if there are no heroes to inspire us , government can control us.
” Blackburn ’ s remarks followed a convention appearance Monday by Mark and Patricia McCloskey , the St. Louis couple who were targeted online after they were captured on video pointing guns at Black Lives Matter protesters who marched by their home in June .
The McCloskeys , who were ultimately charged with felonies , aren ’ t suburbanites , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ They want to abolish the suburbs altogether by ending single-family home zoning , ” said Patricia McCloskey , leveling a false claim against Democrats .
“ This forced rezoning would bring crime , lawlessness , and low-quality apartments into now thriving suburban neighborhoods .
”

A few weeks ago, most Americans either hadn’t heard of “cancel culture” or were quite unfamiliar with the term.
And then President Donald Trump’s Republican National Convention began.
Since Monday night, primetime convention speakers repeatedly have warned of a future where conservative patriots are silenced and vilified as a nation led by Joe Biden descends into lawlessness. Democrats and the media, they’ve argued, are canceling your beloved founding fathers and will cancel you next if you don’t adhere to their politically correct point of view.
The message stands out during a week when Republicans have no policy platform beyond devotion to Trump and his “Keep America Great” promises. And it comes with an emotional urgency that convention speakers — first lady Melania Trump and Vice President Mike Pence being exceptions — have not held for the coronavirus. Trump’s allies, after three days, have elevated cancel culture as a threat equal to, if not greater than, a pandemic responsible for 180,000 US deaths.
The most pronounced example of the theme’s priority came Tuesday night when Nick Sandmann — the Kentucky high school student who became briefly infamous last year after an interaction with a Native American activist in Washington, DC — addressed the virtual convention in primetime. Early video of the 2019 encounter at the Lincoln Memorial spread rapidly on social media, and early coverage presented Sandmann, shown wearing a red “Make America Great Again” hat and a tight smile, as an instigator. Subsequent videos provided more context, showing Sandmann had not started an already-tense situation. He has since settled lawsuits against CNN and the Washington Post.
“I learned that what was happening to me had a name,” Sandmann, now 18, said in his remarks. “It was called 'being canceled.' As in annulled. As in revoked. As in made void. Canceled is what’s happening to people around this country who refuse to be silenced by the far left. Many are being fired, humiliated, or even threatened. And often, the media is a willing participant. But I would not be canceled.”
Sandmann ended the speech defiantly, placing a MAGA hat atop his head.
Two recent polls from Morning Consult suggest cancel culture is not quite the energizing idea Republicans think it is. In one from late July shared with BuzzFeed News, 46% of adults surveyed had never heard of cancel culture; 18% were “not very familiar” with it. In the other, conducted for Politico, registered voters were read a definition: “the practice of withdrawing support for (or canceling) public figures and companies after they have done or said something considered objectionable or offensive” and “generally discussed as being performed on social media in the form of group shaming.” No broad consensus emerged. A plurality of respondents, 44%, strongly or somewhat disapproved, 32% strongly or somewhat approved, and 24% had no opinion. Nearly half, 46%, believed cancel culture had gone too far. Democrats tended to be more favorable than Republicans.
Some Republican strategists believe the messaging can work, and that this week’s emphasis on cancel culture will resonate with voters.
“Part of the reason why it does is it’s in the news daily, so it’s relatable and relevant to people’s lives,” Corry Bliss, a Republican strategist who works on House and Senate races, told BuzzFeed News. “And I think what a lot of Republican or independent voters are frustrated with is it seems like the left hates President Trump and Republicans so much that they always go too far.”
Canceling — or ostracizing or shaming someone for their behavior — is relatively new and thrives in some areas online, especially among people who spend a lot of time online. The concept and its use as a verb for this purpose have recent origins in Black Twitter and, going back deeper, in the 1991 film New Jack City. But like all things that mutate on social media, the act of canceling has spread from policing unquestionably abhorrent behavior, such as racism, misogyny, and sexual harassment, to refereeing political disputes and lesser transgressions. And the punishments — whether boycotts or firings or prolonged public embarrassment — are not always viewed in hindsight as a proportional response.
The origin of the noun "cancel culture" is tougher to place, but its use became more prevalent a few years ago when the rapper Kanye West became friendly with Trump. Republicans have weaponized the phrase to evoke images of a hostile gang of politically correct liberal vigilantes coming to damn you for life.
“The politics of identity, cancelation, and mob rule are not acceptable to me,” Daniel Cameron, the first Black attorney general of Kentucky, said in his convention speech Tuesday night. “Republicans trust you to think for yourselves and to pursue your American dream however you see fit.”
The strategy goes beyond defending founding fathers (enslavers whose contributions to history are under uncomfortable reflection amid a national conversation on systemic racism), preserving statues honoring Confederate leaders (who fought for the right to continue slavery), and rationalizing whatever a person or company may say or do to warrant cancelation. Republicans are asserting more broadly that Democrats wish to also cancel the police (via the Defund Police movement that Biden has publicly opposed) and the suburbs (through low-income housing that Trump has warned against, using racist fearmongering). And they are extending their mob rule imagery to anti-racism protests happening across the country, including in Kenosha, Wisconsin, where a Black man was shot in the back by a white police officer on Sunday.
“As hard as Democrats try, they can’t cancel our heroes,” Sen. Marsha Blackburn of Tennessee said of law enforcement and military officers during Wednesday night’s convention program. “They can’t contest their bravery, and they can’t dismiss the powerful sense of service that lives deep in their souls. … Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, and their radical allies try to destroy these heroes, because if there are no heroes to inspire us, government can control us.”
Blackburn’s remarks followed a convention appearance Monday by Mark and Patricia McCloskey, the St. Louis couple who were targeted online after they were captured on video pointing guns at Black Lives Matter protesters who marched by their home in June. The McCloskeys, who were ultimately charged with felonies, aren’t suburbanites, but they nevertheless issued a Trump-style warning.
“They want to abolish the suburbs altogether by ending single-family home zoning,” said Patricia McCloskey, leveling a false claim against Democrats. “This forced rezoning would bring crime, lawlessness, and low-quality apartments into now thriving suburban neighborhoods.”