buzzfeed--2020-07-25--“Facebook Is Hurting People At Scale”: Mark Zuckerberg’s Employees Reckon With The Social Network Th

“Facebook Is Hurting People At Scale”: Mark Zuckerberg’s Employees Reckon With The Social Network They’ve Built

As the US heads toward a crucial and contentious presidential election , the world 's largest social network is facing an unprecedented cultural crisis .
On July 1 , Max Wang , a Boston-based software engineer who was leaving Facebook after more than seven years , shared a video on the company ’ s internal discussion board that was meant to serve as a warning .
“ I think Facebook is hurting people at scale , ” he wrote in a note accompanying the video .
“ If you think so too , maybe give this a watch.
” Most @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Mark Zuckerberg production ” typically post photos of their company badges along with farewell notes thanking their colleagues .
Wang opted for a clip of himself speaking directly to the camera .
What followed was a 24-minute clear-eyed hammering of Facebook ’ s leadership and decision-making over the previous year .
The video was a distillation of months of internal strife , protest , and departures that followed the company ’ s decision to leave untouched a post from President Donald Trump that seemingly called for violence against people protesting the police @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Wang ’ s message wasn ’ t necessarily unique , his assessment of the company ’ s ongoing failure to protect its users — an evaluation informed by his lengthy tenure at the company — provided one of the most stunningly pointed rebukes of Facebook to date .
“ We are failing , ” he said , criticizing Facebook ’ s leaders for catering to political concerns at the expense of real-world harm .
“ And what 's worse , we have enshrined that failure in our policies.
” “ This time , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Facebook engineer Dan Abramov in a June 26 post on Workplace , the company ’ s internal communications platform .
“ I ’ ve taken some [ paid time off ] to refocus , but I can ’ t shake the feeling that the company leadership has betrayed the trust my colleagues and I have placed in them.
” Messages like those from Wang and Abramov illustrate how Facebook ’ s handling of the president ’ s often divisive posts has caused a sea change in its ranks and led to a crisis @ @ @ @ @ @ @ interviews with current and former employees and dozens of documents obtained by BuzzFeed News .
The documents — which include company discussion threads , employee survey results , and recordings of Zuckerberg — reveal that the company was slow to take down ads with white nationalist and Nazi content reported by its own employees .
They demonstrate how the company ’ s public declarations about supporting racial justice causes are at odds with policies forbidding Facebookers from using company resources to support political matters .
They show Zuckerberg being publicly accused of misleading @ @ @ @ @ @ @ portray a fracturing company culture .
Frustrated and angry , employees are now challenging Zuckerberg and leadership at companywide meetings , staging virtual walkouts , and questioning if their work is making the world a better place .
The turmoil has reached a point where Facebook 's CEO recently threatened to fire employees who “ bully ” their colleagues .
As it heads into a US presidential election where its every move will be dissected and analyzed , the social network is facing unprecedented internal dissent as employees worry that the company is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ content decisions related to Trump , and fear that Facebook is undermining democracy .
Yaël Eisenstat , Facebook 's former election ads integrity lead , said the employees ’ concerns reflect her experience at the company , which she believes is on a dangerous path heading into the election .
“ All of these steps are leading up to a situation where , come November , a portion of Facebook users will not trust the outcome of the election because they have been bombarded with messages on Facebook preparing them to not trust @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
She said the company ’ s policy team in Washington , DC , led by Joel Kaplan , sought to unduly influence decisions made by her team , and the company ’ s recent failure to take appropriate action on posts from President Trump shows employees are right to be upset and concerned .
“ These were very clear examples that did n't just upset me , they upset Facebook ’ s employees , they upset the entire civil rights community , they upset Facebook ’ s advertisers .
If you still @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , then you 're proving that your decision-making is being guided by some other voice , ” she said .
Do you work at Facebook or another technology company ?
We 'd love to hear from you .
Reach out at ryan.mac @ buzzfeed.com or via one of our tip line channels .
In a broad statement responding to a list of questions for this story , a Facebook spokesperson said the company has a rigorous policy process and is transparent with employees about how decisions are made .
“ Content decisions at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , most even , application of the public policies as written .
It will always be the case that groups of people , even employees , see these decisions as inconsistent ; that ’ s the nature of applying policies broadly , ” the spokesperson said .
“ That ’ s why we ’ ve implemented a rigorous process of both consulting with outside experts when adopting new policies as well as soliciting feedback from employees and why we ’ ve created an independent oversight board to appeal content policy decisions on Facebook.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ who ’ s worked at the social network for four years , compared Facebook to a nuclear power plant .
Facebook , unlike traditional media sources , can generate “ social energy ” at a scale never seen before , he said .
“ But even getting small details wrong can lead to disastrous consequences , ” he wrote .
“ Social media has enough power to damage the fabric of our society .
If you think that ’ s an overstatement , you aren ’ t paying attention.
” “ I Know @ @ @ @ @ @ @ May 28 , as protests against police brutality raged in Minneapolis and around the country , President Donald Trump posted identical messages to his Facebook and Twitter accounts , which have a collective 114 million followers .
“ Just spoke to Governor Tim Walz and told him that the Military is with him all the way , ” the president wrote that night .
“ Any difficulty and we will assume control but , when the looting starts , the shooting starts.
” Within a matter of hours , Twitter placed Trump ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ noting it violated its rules around glorifying violence .
Meanwhile , Facebook did nothing .
It had decided that the phrase “ when the looting starts , the shooting starts ” — which has historical ties to racially oppressive police violence — did not constitute a violation of its terms of service .
In explaining the decision the next day , Zuckerberg said that while he had a “ visceral negative reaction ” to the post , Facebook policies allowed for “ discussion around the state use of force.
” Moreover , he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ phrase ’ s historical context , it was possible that it could have been interpreted to mean the president was simply warning that looting could lead to violence .
( Axios later reported that Zuckerberg had personally called Trump the day after the post . )
Employees , already angered by the company ’ s failure to take action against a post from Trump earlier that May containing mail-in ballot misinformation , revolted .
In a Workplace group called “ Let ’ s Fix Facebook ( the company ) , ” which has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a poll asking colleagues whether they agreed “ with our leadership ’ s decisions this week regarding voting misinformation and posts that may be considered to be inciting violence.
” About 1,000 respondents said the company had made the wrong decision on both posts , more than 20 times the number of responses for the third-highest answer , “ I ’ m not sure.
” “ I do n't know what to do , but I know doing nothing is not acceptable , ” Jason Stirman , a Facebook design manager at Facebook @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one of a lengthy stream of dissenting voices .
“ I 'm a FB employee that completely disagrees with Mark 's decision to do nothing about Trump 's recent posts , which clearly incite violence .
I 'm not alone inside of FB .
There is n't a neutral position on racism.
” The following Monday , hundreds of employees — most working remotely due to the company ’ s coronavirus policies — changed their Workplace avatars to a white and black fist and called out sick in a digital walkout .
As @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crisis , employee morale plunged .
Worker satisfaction metrics — measured by “ MicroPulse ” surveys that are taken by hundreds of employees every week — fell sharply after the ruling on Trump ’ s `` looting '' post , according to data obtained by BuzzFeed News .
On June 1 , the day of the walkout , about 45 % of employees said they agreed with the statement that Facebook was making the world better — down about 25 percentage points from the week before .
That same day , Facebook ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ % of employees were confident in “ Facebook leadership leading the company in the right direction ” — a 30 percentage point drop from May 25 .
Responses to that question have stayed around that lower mark as of earlier this month , according to data seen by BuzzFeed News .
Facebook employees who spoke to BuzzFeed News pointed to the company ’ s lack of consistency and poor communication around enforcement of its community standards as a key frustration .
In late May , following a decision by Twitter to place a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ behind a warning label , Zuckerberg appeared on Fox News to chastise his competitor for trying to be an “ arbiter of truth.
” “ I think in general , private companies probably shouldn ’ t be — or especially these platform companies — shouldn ’ t be in the position of doing that , ” he said in the interview .
Trump had made the same false claim on Facebook , which took no action against it .
Later that week , when Trump made his “ looting ” statement and Twitter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Zuckerberg — the “ ultimate decision-maker ” according to Facebook ’ s head of communications — defended his position .
“ Unlike Twitter , we do not have a policy of putting a warning in front of posts that may incite violence because we believe that if a post incites violence , it should be removed regardless of whether it is newsworthy , even if it comes from a politician , ” he wrote in a post on May 29 .
It took just four days for Zuckerberg to change his mind .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ June 2 that were first reported by Recode , Facebook ’ s founder said the company was considering adding labels to posts from world leaders that incite violence .
He followed that up with a Facebook post three days later , in which he declared “ Black lives matter , ” and made promises that the company would review policies on content discussing “ excessive use of police or state force.
” “ What material effect does any of this have ?
” one employee later asked on Facebook ’ s Workplace , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to review offer nothing material .
Has anything changed for you in a meaningful way ?
Are you at all willing to be wrong here ?
” On June 26 , nearly a month later , Zuckerberg posted a clarification to his remarks , noting that any post that is determined to be inciting violence will be taken down .
The company ’ s June 18 decision to remove a Trump campaign ad that featured a triangle symbol used by Nazis to identify political prisoners didn ’ t make things any better .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the ads were taken down , Zuckerberg said the action was an easy call and evidence of Facebook ’ s commitment to applying its policies equally .
“ This decision was not a particularly close call from my perspective , ” he said .
“ Our position on all this stuff is we want to allow as wide open an aperture of free expression as possible … but if something is over the line , no matter who it is , we will take it down.
” Documents reviewed by BuzzFeed News , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ remove the Trump ads was not as simple as Zuckerberg claimed .
In fact , the company failed to act on them until after it faced outside pressure , and despite internal alerts from its own employees .
On the morning before the ads were removed , a heated discussion took place among Facebook employees after at least nine different people said they had reported the content but were told it did not violate company policy .
“ I reported it and called it out as both possible hate speech and threat of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ violation of our CS because our CS are fundamentally broken , ” Natalie Troxel , a user experience employee wrote on Workplace , referencing the company ’ s community standards .
Kaitlin Sullivan , whose LinkedIn profile says she leads “ the Americas branch of Facebook ’ s content policy team , ” replied , saying the ad was still being evaluated and that “ the triangle without any more context doesn ’ t clearly violate the letter there.
” It wasn ’ t “ helpful ” to describe the company ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I stand by what I said ... A world leader is promoting content on our platform that uses explicit Nazi imagery , ” Troxel responded .
“ The fact that this has even remained on our platform for this long is troubling , ” another employee added .
Troxel and Sullivan did not respond to requests for comment for this story .
A Facebook employee who spoke to BuzzFeed News anonymously for fear of retaliation said they were “ flabbergasted ” the ads were n't immediately ruled violative .
“ There ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ assume good intent , ” this person said .
“ To me , this was a case where you can not assume good intent for a symbol that could be Nazi imagery.
” They also were bothered that Facebook took action on the ad only after receiving questions from the Washington Post — more than 12 hours after it had been flagged by employees .
“ It certainly looks like a decision would not have been made the way it was had there not been media pressure and a larger than normal involvement @ @ @ @ @ @ @ threads on Workplace , ” the anonymous employee said .
The incident was yet another example of Facebook declining to act on violative content only to change its mind following public criticism .
And once again , it raised questions about how decisions are made , and whether policies are applied consistently or in reaction to negative publicity or political concerns .
Eisenstat , the former Facebook election ads integrity lead , said the company ’ s failure to act quickly on the Trump ads , and to moderate his “ looting ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ considerations and outside pressure are influencing policy decisions .
“ They put political considerations over enforcing their policies to the letter of the law , ” she said .
“ I can say for my time there that more than once the [ Washington ] policy team weighed in on appeals and decisions that made it clear there was a political consideration factoring into how we were enforcing our policy.
” A related scenario played out earlier this month over an ad run by a white nationalist Facebook page , “ White Wellbeing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just 8 % of the world 's population so if you flood all white majority countries with nonwhites you eliminate white children forever , ” the ad proclaimed .
Facebook removed the ad and prevented the page from running paid content in the future only after being contacted by BuzzFeed News on Wednesday , July 8 .
But that move too came after a company employee flagged the ad and was told it wasn ’ t violative .
“ I reported the page and the post and was told that it doesn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ violation , ” Facebook project manager Matthew Brennan wrote on Workplace after the publication of BuzzFeed News ’ story .
“ There is no doubt this is a white supremacy group and the post in question is not trying to hide that fact.
” Brennan , who saw the ad appear in his News Feed , said friends and family in Australia raised concerns about the ad over the weekend , leaving him frustrated that “ there was nothing that could be done about it.
” “ It wasn ’ t exactly filling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” Brennan concluded .
“ I get the same from my wife , friends , and family , ” another employee responded .
“ These decisions are going to be on the wrong side of history.
” Brennan did not respond to a request for comment .
In the end , Facebook removed the ad and prevented the white nationalist page from running future ads .
The page , however , continues to exist on the social network .
In a June 19 companywide meeting , for example , Zuckerberg turned a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kaplan , Facebook ’ s vice president of global policy and a former member of President George W. Bush ’ s administration , into a discussion about the need for ideological diversity .
Kaplan , already a controversial figure within Facebook because of his public support for Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh during his heated 2018 confirmation hearings , has drawn ire from external and internal critics alike , who say that his moves to placate conservative Facebook power users like Trump are driven by politics and not any dedication to policy .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Kaplan 's Washington policy team had attempted to influence ad enforcement decisions being considered by her team , which she considered highly inappropriate .
In one example , her team was evaluating whether to remove an ad placed by a conservative organization .
“ But then a policy person chimed in and gave the both-sides argument .
They actually wrote something like , ‘ There 's bad behavior on both sides.
’ And I remember thinking , What does that have to do with anything ?
” she said .
“ When @ @ @ @ @ @ @ heavily on how you are enforcing that , to me , is where it makes it crystal clear this is not a strict letter-of-the-law enforcement .
Because if it was , then policy should never intervene , ” Eisenstat added .
Instead of answering the question about Kaplan ’ s influence at the meeting , Zuckerberg argued that his vice president brought an important conservative viewpoint to the table .
“ The population out there in the community we serve tends to be on average ideologically a little bit more conservative than our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Maybe ‘ a little ’ is an understatement.
” For Zuckerberg , Kaplan ’ s Republican leanings contributed to “ a good diversity of views ” within the company .
But for critics , the idea that moderating calls for violence or hate speech or Nazi imagery is little more than wrangling a political disagreement is disingenuous and prevents the company from taking a stand on civil rights .
“ He uses ‘ diverse perspective ’ as essentially a cover for right-wing thinking when the real problem is dangerous ideologies , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at Color of Change , told BuzzFeed News after reading excerpts of Zuckerberg ’ s comments .
“ If you are conflating conservatives with white nationalists , that seems like a far deeper problem because that ’ s what we ’ re talking about .
We ’ re talking about hate groups and really specific dangerous ideologies and behavior.
” She said Zuckerberg ’ s assertion that the team making key content and policy decisions is diverse was “ a huge problem.
” “ The fact that he would look at the people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ decision-making positions and pat himself on the back saying it has diversity is a huge problem right there , ” Collins-Dexter added , referencing the company ’ s overwhelmingly white C-suite .
Facebook ’ s recently completed civil rights audit reiterated concerns that the company ’ s leadership and decision-making process are falling short .
“ Many in the civil rights community have become disheartened , frustrated and angry after years of engagement where they implored the company to do more to advance equality and fight discrimination , while also safeguarding free expression @ @ @ @ @ @ @ two-year assessment .
Outside calls for Facebook to change its policies — like the Stop Hate For Profit ad boycott that now includes Coca-Cola , Starbucks , and Verizon — have further ratcheted up internal tensions .
“ Two years ago , I wouldn ’ t have had conversations with my colleagues where I would be supporting the advertising boycott , ” one employee told BuzzFeed News .
“ But we are having those conversations now.
” This is largely unprecedented for Facebook , a company unaccustomed to widespread internal dissent .
But @ @ @ @ @ @ @ virtual walkout , and the recent drop in employee satisfaction show Zuckerberg ’ s approach and fumbling explanations and reversals are beginning to take an internal toll .
“ I think Facebook is getting trapped by our ideology of free expression , and the easy temptation of just trying to stay consistent with an ideology , ” Wang said in his video .
Wang ’ s departure thread kicked off a discussion , attracting comments from people like Yann LeCun , Facebook ’ s head of artificial intelligence .
After thanking Wang for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to his own June 2 post in which he expressed concern that Facebook ’ s policy and content decisions are not geared toward protecting democracy .
“ American Democracy is threatened and closer to collapse than most people realize , ” LeCun wrote on June 2 .
“ I would submit that a better underlying principle to content policy is the promotion and defense of liberal democracy.
” LeCun did not respond to requests for comment .
Other employees , like Abramov , the engineer , have seized the moment to argue that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ leadership ’ s repeated attempts to convince employees otherwise , and as such needed to make decisions to limit harm .
Facebook has proactively taken down nudity , hate speech , and extremist content , while also encouraging people to participate in elections — an act that favors democracy , he wrote .
“ As employees , we can ’ t entertain this illusion , ” he said in his June 26 memo titled “ Facebook Is Not Neutral.
” “ There is nothing neutral about connecting people together .
It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Zuckerberg seems to disagree .
On June 5 , he wrote that Facebook errs on the “ side of free expression ” and made a series of promises that his company would push for racial justice and fight for voter engagement .
The sentiment , while encouraging , arrived unaccompanied by any concrete plans .
On Facebook ’ s internal discussion board , the replies rolled in .
“ There is exactly one impressive thing about this post : by apparently committing to nothing at all but acting like you have , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of us , ” wrote one employee .
“ It ’ s good politics .
It ’ s bad leadership.
” ●

On July 1, Max Wang, a Boston-based software engineer who was leaving Facebook after more than seven years, shared a video on the company’s internal discussion board that was meant to serve as a warning.
“I think Facebook is hurting people at scale,” he wrote in a note accompanying the video. “If you think so too, maybe give this a watch.”
Most employees on their way out of the “Mark Zuckerberg production” typically post photos of their company badges along with farewell notes thanking their colleagues. Wang opted for a clip of himself speaking directly to the camera. What followed was a 24-minute clear-eyed hammering of Facebook’s leadership and decision-making over the previous year.
The video was a distillation of months of internal strife, protest, and departures that followed the company’s decision to leave untouched a post from President Donald Trump that seemingly called for violence against people protesting the police killing of George Floyd. And while Wang’s message wasn’t necessarily unique, his assessment of the company’s ongoing failure to protect its users — an evaluation informed by his lengthy tenure at the company — provided one of the most stunningly pointed rebukes of Facebook to date.
“We are failing,” he said, criticizing Facebook’s leaders for catering to political concerns at the expense of real-world harm. “And what's worse, we have enshrined that failure in our policies.”


buzzfeed--2020-07-24--Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Hit Back After A GOP Lawmaker Allegedly Called Her A Sexist Slur

A Republican member of Congress reportedly called Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a `` fucking bitch '' after he criticized the New York City Democrat 's stance on crime and policing during a confrontation on Capitol Hill .
The Hill reported that Rep. Ted Yoho of Florida accosted Ocasio-Cortez on a flight of stairs Monday as she was on her way to vote .
`` You are out of your freaking mind , '' Yoho reportedly said , referring to her recent comments attributing a rise in crime in New York City to unemployment , poverty , and `` economic desperation '' @ @ @ @ @ @ @ After Ocasio-Cortez told Yoho he was being `` rude , '' the Florida lawmaker then called her a `` fucking bitch '' once they parted ways , according to the Hill .
In a statement to BuzzFeed News , Yoho 's office acknowledged he and Ocasio-Cortez had `` a brief member to member conversation , '' but denied he had said the slur .
`` He did not call Rep. Ocasio-Cortez what has been reported in the Hill or any name for that matter , '' Brian Kaveney , Yoho 's communications director @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It sounds better for the Hill newspaper and gets more media attention to say he called her a name - which he did not do . ''
`` We stand by our story 100 percent , '' Bob Cusack , editor in chief of the Hill , told BuzzFeed News .
After the Hill published its story on Tuesday morning , Ocasio-Cortez tweeted that she had never previously spoken to Yoho before `` he decided to accost '' her .
`` But hey , '' she added , `` ' b*tches ' get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of confrontation has n't ever happened to me — ever , '' she also told the Hill .
`` I 've never had that kind of abrupt , disgusting kind of disrespect levied at me . ''
Ocasio-Cortez also criticized Republican Rep. Roger Williams of Texas , who was close enough to witness the exchange and told the Hill that he did n't pay attention to what happened because he was `` was thinking about some issues I 've got in my district that need to get done . ''
`` Got ta @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : when he undeniably sees another man engaged in virulent harassment of a young woman , just pretend you never saw it in the most cartoonish manner possible and keep pushing , '' she tweeted .
She also said that Williams criticized her during the exchange .
Kaveney , the Yoho spokesperson , accused Ocasio-Cortez of exploiting the Hill report , which he insisted was false .
`` It is unfortunate that Rep. Ocasio-Cortez is using this exchange to gain personal attention , '' he said .
`` Instead , he made a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ away summarizing what he believes her polices to be : bullshit . ''
During a Tuesday press conference , House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy said he will meet with Yoho to discuss the incident .
“ We think everybody should show respect to one another and not knowing what took place I ’ ll have a discussion with him to see what happened , '' he said .
GOP Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida also defended Ocasio-Cortez in a tweet , saying , `` She is not a bitch . ''

"That kind of confrontation hasn't ever happened to me — ever," she also told the Hill. "I've never had that kind of abrupt, disgusting kind of disrespect levied at me."
Ocasio-Cortez also criticized Republican Rep. Roger Williams of Texas, who was close enough to witness the exchange and told the Hill that he didn't pay attention to what happened because he was "was thinking about some issues I've got in my district that need to get done."
"Gotta love Republican courage from Rep @RogerWilliamsTX: when he undeniably sees another man engaged in virulent harassment of a young woman, just pretend you never saw it in the most cartoonish manner possible and keep pushing," she tweeted. She also said that Williams criticized her during the exchange.
Kaveney, the Yoho spokesperson, accused Ocasio-Cortez of exploiting the Hill report, which he insisted was false.
"It is unfortunate that Rep. Ocasio-Cortez is using this exchange to gain personal attention," he said. "Instead, he made a brief comment to himself as he walked away summarizing what he believes her polices to be: bullshit."
During a Tuesday press conference, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy said he will meet with Yoho to discuss the incident. “We think everybody should show respect to one another and not knowing what took place I’ll have a discussion with him to see what happened," he said.
GOP Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida also defended Ocasio-Cortez in a tweet, saying, "She is not a bitch."


buzzfeed--2020-07-27--This Mom Went Mega Viral On TikTok After Sharing Her Reaction To Her Teenage Daughter's Pregnancy

Nicole sat down with Angelina to help her make an informed decision about her options .
`` Angelina is the @ @ @ @ @ with whatever decision she makes .
Our life is like our own personal story , @ @ @ @ @ be up to me .
My job is to educate her and give her facts @ @ @ @ @ herself , '' said Nicole , adding , `` I told her I would support @ @ @ @ @ told her I ’ m sorry that the first real adult decision you will ever @ @ @ @ @ hardest . ''

Nicole sat down with Angelina to help her make an informed decision about her options. "Angelina is the one who has to live with whatever decision she makes. Our life is like our own personal story, her next chapter should not be up to me. My job is to educate her and give her facts so she can think for herself," said Nicole, adding, "I told her I would support whatever she decides and I told her I’m sorry that the first real adult decision you will ever make is one of the hardest."


buzzfeed--2020-07-27--What's The Point Of A Coronavirus Test That Takes 19 Days For Results?

Private laboratories and health agencies are swamped , leading to communication and technical breakdowns , as well as extensive delays for results .
Tanya Johnson wishes she never went to the cookout .
On Juneteenth , Johnson and a dozen or so friends gathered in a backyard in Atlanta , eating BBQ and sitting in chairs spaced out in a circle .
Johnson , 27 , accepted a ride to and from the party with her friend Jessica McCauley , 31 .
They drove with the windows rolled up and hugged each other goodbye .
Three days later , Johnson @ @ @ @ @ @ @ earache , then a fever .
The next day , McCauley ’ s 31-year-old boyfriend , Remey Williams , also came down with a fever .
On June 24 , a friend who had been at the BBQ called McCauley to let her know their brother-in-law had since tested positive for the coronavirus .
He had attended the cookout and McCauley and Williams had interacted with him inside when they weren ’ t wearing masks .
The friends made plans to get tested .
They went to a parking lot in Fulton County @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cars at a state-run testing facility .
It would be 16 days before McCauley was officially emailed results telling her she had tested positive for COVID-19 .
Johnson ’ s mother , 59-year-old hospital secretary Margaret McNair , had accompanied her daughter to get tested too .
While Johnson eventually tested positive and had to be hospitalized , McNair had to wait 19 days before an official email arrived in her inbox telling her she was negative .
That ’ s five days longer than the quarantine period of two weeks recommended by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was checking and checking and checking .
It kept saying no results , ” McNair told BuzzFeed News .
“ I emailed .
No results .
I kept saying , ‘ I ’ m a healthcare worker .
I need the results .
I have to go back to work.
’ ” “ If they want to slow down the spread of this , ” said McCauley , “ I think they need to be a little more aware of what ’ s going on.
” The backlog in testing across large parts @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and infections soar .
The country officially marked 4 million confirmed cases of the virus on Thursday , but experts caution there are many more that have gone undiagnosed .
President Donald Trump has held up the US as world leaders in testing , telling reporters at the White House on Thursday the country had now performed more than 51 million coronavirus tests .
But with millions more Americans seeking tests — whether because they have fallen ill , have been exposed to an infected person , are trying to return to work @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of mind before they take a vacation — private laboratories and health agencies are swamped , leading to communication and technical breakdowns , as well as extensive delays .
As health experts and officials note , the extended wait times for some results — exacerbated by a shortage of supplies — are also undermining the very purpose of testing .
“ The average test delay is too long , ” National Institutes of Health Director Francis Collins told NBC ’ s Meet the Press in an interview that aired Sunday .
“ That @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , because you do the testing to find out who ’ s carrying the virus , and then quickly get them isolated so they don ’ t spread it around .
And it ’ s very hard to make that work when there ’ s a long delay built in.
” Angela Rasmussen , a virologist and research scientist at the Center for Infection and Immunity at the Columbia University School of Public Health , told BuzzFeed News that stories of people waiting 17 days or more were evidence that “ nearly eight @ @ @ @ @ @ @ capacity is still woefully inadequate.
” “ In the big picture , huge testing backlogs bode very poorly for the future , as robust capacity for rapid , easily accessible testing is essential to our ability to safely reopen the economy , ” she said in an email .
“ Even 5 days is too long , much less 17 ( 17 !
!
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! )
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” Kevin McCauley , a 36-year-old graphic designer in Houston ( not related to Jessica McCauley in Atlanta ) @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for his results after he sought a test on June 26 .
Days earlier , he had driven his sister-in-law to a hospital in the middle of the night after she began experiencing COVID-19 symptoms .
When she was officially diagnosed with the virus , a doctor told him to self-isolate and assume he had the virus , but he wanted to know for certain .
After waiting for more than two hours at a drive-thru testing site run by Harris County , he was given paperwork telling him to contact health officials @ @ @ @ @ @ @ email within five days .
When that never arrived , he called the only number he could find : a health department line that would not accept incoming calls and has an automated message telling people to expect their results in three to five days .
He made an online account with Quest Diagnostics , the private lab performing his test , but there was still nothing .
“ I was checking every few days , ” he told BuzzFeed News .
While he took quarantine seriously at first , his standards gradually @ @ @ @ @ @ @ silence but without any symptoms .
“ For the first probably eight or nine days after taking the test , I was really strict about self-isolating , ” he said .
“ Anything I needed I ordered online .
I didn ’ t leave the house .
I didn ’ t go anywhere .
I had a friend pick me up a bottle of whiskey .
“ And then at a certain point , I was like , This is unrealistic .
I need to leave .
I don ’ t have any @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on July 13 from a county health representative informing him his test result was negative .
“ I said , ‘ Why did this take 17 days ?
’ He said , ‘ Oh , well , you ’ re in Houston .
It ’ s really swamped .
They can ’ t handle it , ’ ” Kevin recalled .
“ He was very sympathetic .
He talked to me for a long time about the failures in the system .
He was really frustrated.
” Kevin ’ s test result , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ showed it wasn ’ t received at Quest ’ s Dallas lab until July 2 , six days after his nasal swab .
It was officially reported into the Quest system on July 17 .
A spokesperson for Quest told BuzzFeed News in a statement that they and others in the industry were struggling to keep up with the demand .
The company said the average turnaround time for nonpriority patients is seven days , but noted “ a small subset ” were waiting up to two weeks for results .
“ Demand @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Quest ’ s capacity and is highest in the South , Southwest and West regions of the country , ” the Quest spokesperson said .
“ However , the inflow of specimens to our labs has stabilized , at a high level , compared to last week , due to our efforts to modulate orders for lower risk patients.
” Dr. Umair Shah , executive director of the Harris County Public Health Department , told BuzzFeed News that Kevin ’ s experience was disheartening , but not surprising .
“ Let ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said .
“ That ’ s awful .
This is the problem with this entire system around the country relating to testing and lab turnaround : We don ’ t have a system.
” According to Shah , it is currently taking two weeks on average for results to be received from people who visit federally funded testing sites in Harris County , where some results are still being delivered to the health department via an outdated fax machine .
The ideal turnaround is two to three days .
Such delays only hamper @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the clock to stop the spread of the virus .
Shah worries , in particular , that asymptomatic patients who do not receive results in a timely manner may incorrectly assume it is because they are not infected .
“ It ’ s nonsensical that in 2020 we , as Americans , do not have a public health system that coordinates with healthcare providers and lab reporting that is markedly better than what we have .
This is because of this underinvestment in public health over the decades , ” he said .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ home to roost.
” Louise Serio , a spokesperson for the American Clinical Laboratory Association , a trade group representing Quest and LabCorp ( which performed the tests in Atlanta on McNair , Johnson , and McCauley after their cookout ) , told BuzzFeed News that their members had quadrupled their testing capacity since April , but were struggling to keep up with demand , as well as a supply shortage of reagents , pipette tips , test kits , and platforms that allow for high-volume testing .
“ We are building capacity @ @ @ @ @ @ @ seen in the past several weeks that demand has skyrocketed , ” she said .
“ We ’ ve made a lot of progress , but we don ’ t have control over demand .
Labs don ’ t order tests.
” Asked whether her members were prepared for the need for testing to further increase if schools return in the fall , as Trump has pushed for , Serio responded , “ Right now , when you think about the supplies that are in high demand , we expect that high demand @ @ @ @ @ @ @ around results , technical or communication breakdowns are preventing people from learning of their diagnosis .
The LabCorp results page for Jessica McCauley , the Atlanta woman who drove her friend to and from the ill-fated cookout , said her June 26 sample was received on June 27 and reported nine days later on July 6 .
She had created a LabCorp account , but the results never showed up online .
“ I started to check .
It wasn ’ t there .
So then I was checking periodically and it just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wasn ’ t showing up , ” said McCauley , who works as a flight attendant .
“ I sent an email .
I was calling .
There were no responses.
” McCauley ’ s email from Fulton County ’ s public health department announcing her positive result wasn ’ t sent until July 12 .
Two days earlier , by chance , a health worker had called her boyfriend with whom she ’ d been quarantining to discuss the positive result he had received on July 7 , when he inquired if @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s results .
It was then that she first heard she , too , was infected .
“ I ’ m blessed that my symptoms weren ’ t as bad as some people who have passed away from it , but the fact that people are waiting this long is not OK , ” McCauley said , “ because if I didn ’ t have it I would ’ ve just been sitting around , but if I did have it and was asymptomatic I ’ d just be passing it along to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ secretary , first cared for her increasingly sick daughter at home , but then worried for her as she spent a week in hospital receiving treatment .
She also feared for her 98-year-old father , who lives with the family .
For 19 days , McNair also couldn ’ t work until she knew for sure she was not infected and would not be a risk to her hospital colleagues .
“ It was driving me nuts , ” she said .
“ It was really scary.
” “ I ’ m annoyed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ should get back to people in time , ” McNair added .
“ It ’ s like a domino effect .
I lost my money not working all those days .
Had my results come back in a timely fashion , I could have gone back to work.
” Test results in Georgia have been taking 7 to 10 days on average , but even longer from some commercial labs like Quest and LabCorp , according to state health department spokesperson Nancy Nydam .
“ As you are aware , it is a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ not specific to Georgia.
” In a statement to BuzzFeed News , a LabCorp spokesperson said the company had experienced “ additional delays ” for some individuals who had been tested in Fulton County and had tried to use the company ’ s website to access their results .
“ Many of the test orders were not delivered to LabCorp electronically requiring additional manual steps , which contributed to the time to make results available , ” the spokesperson said .
Sheena Haynes , a spokesperson for the Fulton County Board of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ struggling to keep up with demand .
“ In the last several weeks , there has been an increase in the number of people getting tested , resulting in the labs being overwhelmed and results being delayed , ” she said .
“ Our district health director and chief medical officer have worked with LabCorp to resolve the issue , and results are coming back sooner for testing being done now.
” McNair ’ s daughter , Johnson , is now out of the hospital and on the mend , but still has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , is still struggling to believe she had to wait 19 days for an answer .
“ Guess what ’ s so funny ?
The day after I got my results , someone called from somewhere and they wanted to do a follow-up , ” she said .
“ The lady was like , ‘ Oh , actually , too much time has passed to do a follow-up .
’ ”

Tanya Johnson wishes she never went to the cookout.
On Juneteenth, Johnson and a dozen or so friends gathered in a backyard in Atlanta, eating BBQ and sitting in chairs spaced out in a circle. Johnson, 27, accepted a ride to and from the party with her friend Jessica McCauley, 31. They drove with the windows rolled up and hugged each other goodbye.
Three days later, Johnson got a sore throat, then an earache, then a fever. The next day, McCauley’s 31-year-old boyfriend, Remey Williams, also came down with a fever. On June 24, a friend who had been at the BBQ called McCauley to let her know their brother-in-law had since tested positive for the coronavirus. He had attended the cookout and McCauley and Williams had interacted with him inside when they weren’t wearing masks.
The friends made plans to get tested. They went to a parking lot in Fulton County where nasal swabs were performed inside their cars at a state-run testing facility.
And then they waited.
And waited.
And waited.
It would be 16 days before McCauley was officially emailed results telling her she had tested positive for COVID-19.
Johnson’s mother, 59-year-old hospital secretary Margaret McNair, had accompanied her daughter to get tested too. While Johnson eventually tested positive and had to be hospitalized, McNair had to wait 19 days before an official email arrived in her inbox telling her she was negative. That’s five days longer than the quarantine period of two weeks recommended by the CDC.
“Every day I was checking and checking and checking. It kept saying no results,” McNair told BuzzFeed News. “I emailed. No results. I kept saying, ‘I’m a healthcare worker. I need the results. I have to go back to work.’”
“If they want to slow down the spread of this,” said McCauley, “I think they need to be a little more aware of what’s going on.”


buzzfeed--2020-07-27--What My Mother Didn't Talk About

What My Mother Didn't Talk About

My mother and I were very close , but when she died last year there was still so much I didn ’ t know about her .
Twenty-eight years is a long time to be sick .
The recurrences were such that each time made me think that my mother had made a deal with the devil and was therefore invincible .
I ’ d say , “ You ’ ll outlive us all.
” Or at least some of us .
But she didn ’ t .
When I came home to take care of her in September 2019 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
I told myself things like , I ’ m not in denial .
But by then I really was .
When she said , “ I want you to come home and take care of me so I don ’ t have to go to hospice.
” I said , “ What are you talking about ?
I thought you were getting better.
” She weighed 99.6 pounds when she died .
I had watched as her weight inched down to 100 over the course of a year .
Last summer , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and watched her writhe in pain in the aftermath and so I went and bought her a new mattress and 10 new pillows .
I wanted to make her comfortable .
I massaged her back with moisturizer as she sat against me and my father talked to us .
She moaned in pain and I could see the outline of each bone as I did it .
I was worried I was hurting her but she told me to keep going .
I knew she wasn ’ t getting better .
That fall @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she drained the fluids that had collected from my mother ’ s leaking lungs three times a week .
Even then , I knew she wasn ’ t getting better .
I sat across from them both as my mother looked at me , a placid expression on her face , and asked me , “ Why are you crying ?
” Weeks after her death I was rummaging through her email , looking for some evidence that she had lied to me .
That she had conveyed hope about a hopeless condition @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was worse than I imagined .
As if a chart could explain what I had seen for myself but still chose to deny .
My mother was born in a small village in postwar Poland in a house with no indoor toilet .
I pointed this out to people from time to time because I was so proud of how far she had come as an immigrant .
She was a person who was born into poverty , along with my father , and together they came to America and did well for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the story .
It was supposed to illustrate the poverty .
“ Everyone had an outhouse , ” she ’ d say .
“ I wasn ’ t special.
” In fact , years later , when we visited the country , retracing our flight from Communist Poland in 1981 , we stopped at my great-aunt ’ s farm in the Polish countryside and she still had an outhouse .
We marveled at it until we had to use it .
My mother said that on winter nights she would hold a rope @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wouldn ’ t lose her way in the dark .
This was the reality of Poland in the 1960s .
She went to school in the morning and watched the young women from the overnight shift at the factory coming home and swore she wouldn ’ t end up like them .
My grandfather , who was captured as a POW and forced into a German labor camp when serving in the Polish army during World War II , told my mother he didn ’ t see the point in her going to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ She passed the entrance exams and went anyway .
She was one of a handful of women in her polytechnic in Łódź .
Later , she was only one of a handful of women who had a professional engineering license in Connecticut .
She ran her own successful consulting firm and she yelled at bullying male building contractors all day .
She never called herself a feminist .
Poland was full of stories of woe .
For my parents , it was a place from which to escape .
Once , when I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about , they said being back in Poland on vacation and the borders closing .
Being trapped .
They looked at each other as they admitted their fears to me .
They had no idea they had been having the same nightmare for decades .
We did not visit Poland often .
Only when someone died .
I have not been able to bring part of my mother ’ s ashes to Poland yet because of the pandemic .
They sit in my living room , waiting to join my other dead relatives @ @ @ @ @ @ @ live in California , 3,000 miles away from where I grew up , and when my mother couldn ’ t sleep she ’ d call me .
I always picked up .
“ I think I know how I got sick , ” she said once .
My mother had an aversion to being sick and to anyone knowing about it .
Her father had tuberculosis and had to be sent to a sanatorium to recover .
My mother , her brother , and my grandmother would visit him as he was quarantined @ @ @ @ @ @ @ play with her or her brother afterward .
They would taunt them that they were sick too .
To be sick , my mother learned , was a humiliation .
When she became sick this final time , she isolated herself so much that she stopped seeing or talking to her friends , except for a handful of emails I found .
Her business associates didn ’ t even know she was sick .
I had to tell them she was dead and listen to their shock and grief .
She had worked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 99.6 pounds .
On the phone , late that night , she recounted how her father was vigilant against things like bedbugs .
She whispered to me that he would come into her room and spray everything down with DDT .
She said he ’ d even spray down her pillows and sheets .
She recounted , with wonder , how the spray looked in the morning light .
“ Or maybe I got sick because they made us get X-rays when I was in puberty .
To make sure I didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mother countered .
How would I know for sure ?
Now that she 's gone , I would never know anything at all .
There was no finding the truth .
There were just stories .
When I asked my mother why my grandfather was orphaned she told me his mother had died when he was young and his father had remarried a woman who didn ’ t want him or his two sisters .
They were shipped off to different orphanages .
Later , in his early twenties , he reunited with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a relationship with his father .
My mother told me that my grandfather had said that at a wedding for his half-sibling after the war , the entire family was poisoned by black market vodka , which my grandfather had taken only a few sips of .
They all died except my grandfather .
He was left with no one again .
These were the stories of Poland that I grew up with .
Fantastical , breathtaking .
When I asked my mother why she was so tough — really , a hard-ass @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the family had a car .
There were maybe only a few other families with cars ; they only had one thanks to my grandfather ’ s job as a mechanic .
But the village boys thought my mother , just in elementary school then , was putting on airs .
They were all poor but my mother didn ’ t want to be .
So each day they followed her home and harassed her .
She learned to run , to take different streets .
And she balled up her fists and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ever get anything over her , she said .
She glared at me .
As if I made her remember something painful that she had been intent on forgetting .
But I wanted more .
I ’ ll never get to hear more now , at least from her .
My mother hated dwelling on the past : “ There was too much sadness there.
” And so she concentrated on the future .
Except , in the years before her death , she ’ d started calling me to say things like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we should have left Poland after all.
” This was a shocking admission from a woman who loved America more than anyone I knew .
Who believed it was the one country you could build yourself into whoever you wanted to be .
A place that accepted a family who had no money , no recognizable name , no understanding of the language , and allowed them to work to be someone else .
That didn ’ t mean it wasn ’ t difficult or that , in her waning days , my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ quite worth it .
“ If I had known that Communism would fall 10 years after we left , I would not have left , ” she said .
“ We just believed it would go on forever.
” My parents were graduate students when they decided to leave .
Or rather , the situation had become so untenable that they had to leave .
They felt like the country would always be one of food rations and lack of opportunity .
So they sewed our birth certificates , their school diplomas , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of their suitcases and we left .
They only told their parents the night before for fear of someone turning them in .
Twenty-five years after we left Poland as political refugees , we returned , to bury my grandfather , and retrace our steps of leaving the country .
My parents , my sister , my brother , and I went through a border crossing in Chałupki , Poland .
As my father handed over our American passports , I saw him become more and more agitated , as if he had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time before , when my parents pretended to be going on vacation in order to leave and beg for political asylum in Vienna .
The tension and fear was still present in his muscle memory .
He only spoke English to the border guard , who insulted him by saying my brother , who had been born in the US , was the only real American of any of us as he returned our passports 30 minutes later .
We crossed into the Czech Republic and then , with ease , into Austria @ @ @ @ @ @ @ between the landscape of formerly Communist countries and the verdant hills of this one .
The difference felt like a cliché .
Bright flowers bloomed outside gingerbread houses , a stark contrast to the gray Eastern bloc apartments that had ruined the landscape of where we had just been .
The kind of industrial apartments where I ’ d been born .
Our destination was the town of Traiskirchen , and the refugee camp that we had been sent to after my father had followed the instructions he was given by people who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ asylum at a police station in Vienna .
My family and I stood outside the walls of the refugee camp and I couldn ’ t believe it was still operational .
I looked at the armed guards at the gates , at the razor wire lining the top of the redbrick fence .
I looked at the long underwear drying outside a window as my parents wept .
“ You chased a boy for bread , ” my mother said .
“ You were always hungry.
” We left those memories behind and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ small village where my parents had taken us when we were allowed out of the refugee camp and where we had lived for a few months in a family-run bed and breakfast , paid for by the Austrian government and the United Nations Refugee Agency .
The owner remembered my parents .
He was their age , and recalled how his father had let us stay there years before .
I used to stare at old photos of my sister and I looking at the sky in similarly patterned dresses , or the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the ground with our hands cupped , hoping for what ?
I don ’ t know .
My parents walked us to the parking lot where those pictures were taken .
They took us to other markers from photos I ’ d spent my life since staring at , trying to piece together where I came from .
I wonder if other children of refugees feel permanently displaced .
If we are always looking for a home .
I have lived in Poland , Texas , Connecticut , California , New York , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ felt a sense of home anywhere I am .
In fact , all I feel is a sense of longing for another place .
A place I can not name .
That sense of longing now extends to feeling outside of my body .
Someone recently told me that losing your mother is primal .
It is the deepest loss .
I felt validated in my feelings of being absolutely adrift .
I no longer had a planet to orient myself around .
Who was I if I could not call my mother @ @ @ @ @ @ @ work ?
Who was I if I could not text her every day ?
Or ask for her help and advice as I navigated the world ?
She hadn ’ t given me enough advice , wisdom , knowledge to make it through the rest of my life .
I hadn ’ t stored any of it away .
I didn ’ t even really know who she was .
My mother came from a hard place where to be vulnerable or to share your feelings could leave you open to threats .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ That was a lesson I internalized and one that I still struggle with today .
Her fear of seeming weak made her miss out on spending time with people who loved her and who could ease some of her suffering .
When I came home to take care of her after her final surgery last fall , we tangled like mother and daughter who were too similar .
During the surgery her heart had stopped on the operating table .
There was some discrepancy between the doctors over whether it had stopped for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ truth — something else I will never know — it had altered her personality .
She became angry and aggressive .
The more acerbic parts of the mother I knew were now more pronounced .
I could also feel the desperation .
When I sat across from her in her bedroom , looking at her newly shorn hair , I cried .
Again , with that placid look on her face , she asked , “ Why are you crying ?
” I just shook my head because I couldn ’ t say @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” she said .
But I knew I couldn ’ t .
That night , in bed , as we lay next to each other , I asked her something it had taken me hours to muster up the courage to ask : “ Are you dying ?
” She inhaled and said , sounding surprised , “ I don ’ t know .
Do you think I ’ m dying ?
” I knew the answer but to say it out loud meant that I had given up on her .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ was strong enough to make it through .
“ I don ’ t know , ” I said instead .
I ’ m ashamed that I couldn ’ t tell the truth .
And from there I believed the lie .
I believed it as we went to doctors and I explained symptoms that she had withheld from them .
I believed it even as I saw their alarmed looks or when her lung doctor said she was actually doing well .
That she just needed to walk more and work out her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when she stood on the scale and I saw 99.6 flash on .
I took that lie and went to New York to work for a week , leaving her behind in Connecticut .
Something I find it hard to forgive myself for .
When I returned to Connecticut on the day before she died , my father and I went to the Polish store to buy her favorite meats and sausages and she called me on my cellphone .
She was having trouble speaking but barked , “ When are you coming @ @ @ @ @ @ @ away , I told her .
When I came home , I was alarmed .
Her pupils were huge .
She could not get out of bed .
I wanted to hug her but I didn ’ t want to crush her .
She was as small as a bird .
Still , I told her I had to go back to the store .
I wanted to buy her blueberries for oatmeal in the morning .
To resume our routine .
She looked scared .
I had been sleeping with her at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fear came and with me by her side she was less afraid .
I held her hand and said , “ I ’ ll be back and we ’ ll sleep together again and it will be OK. ” When she smiled at me , the first smile I had seen in weeks , she already looked like a skeleton .
She had hardly been eating and yet I wanted to get her blueberries .
I drove to the market with the windows open , blasting music and crying .
What I don @ @ @ @ @ @ @ now feels infinite .
I can ask my father certain things , but her innermost thoughts and who she was as a person beyond what she was willing to tell me are out of my reach for good .
“ Why did you think it would have been better to stay in Poland ?
” I asked her during one of our late-night phone calls .
“ Because if we did , you would be married with three children by now , ” she said .
I didn ’ t like her answer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ say no matter who it wounded .
I lay beside her all night as she was dying .
We were both scared and even then she tried to protect me from what was happening .
She tried to comfort me by hiding the truth of what was happening even as things took a turn for the worse .
It was just the two of us .
She had brought me into this world and I was helping her out of it .
I stroked her back .
I told her not to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fell asleep .
Now I wonder , How could I ?
I woke up to her calling my father on her cellphone and not saying a word .
He ran downstairs and she asked him to help her take a shower .
He helped her to the bathroom and then she collapsed .
And still , I felt shock .
She had called me home to help take care of her as she was dying and I knew what was happening but I could not believe it .
She had called me home @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my grandfather as he was dying .
He had died in the morning too .
I remember lying on the couch in the living room as he was dying in the next room .
I didn ’ t want to leave him and only fell asleep after feeling as though someone had put a blanket over me .
In the morning , I rushed to his room and found him cold .
I had not been vigilant on either occasion and I had missed something .
I had missed everything .
How do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you are ?
Your history and where you came from when the people who made you are gone ?
I ’ m left behind looking for clues .
Clues of who my mother was as much as who she wanted me to be .
She was proud of me .
She , after all , worked extra hours so I could take writing classes .
She sent me places she could never go herself because she knew the thing you needed to make it in America was access .
She fought for her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then in America .
And yet she wasn ’ t sure if it was worth it .
What had the struggle been for then ?
Her admission felt like a betrayal of everything we had grown up believing .
Or was it just the offhand remark of a woman who was looking back at her life — all the pleasures and pain — and trying to make sense of it ?
I had 28 extra years with my mother .
When she was first diagnosed I was only 12 .
The landscape of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if I ’ d lost her then .
I would not be who I am without the pieces of her that I have .
The stories she did tell me .
There is a photo of her and me that I ’ ve kept .
We are in Texas and I am about 6 years old .
She was probably 35 then .
I am clutching onto her and my mouth is open in a scream .
She ’ s wearing a khaki top and matching shorts .
She has a slight smile @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my screams .
What is she thinking about ?
I never thought to ask her about the photo or what she was staring at .
It feels like a tidy visual of how I felt about her both when she was alive and now that she is dead .
A rageful desire to keep every piece of a woman I obsessed over .
She gave me all of herself and it still wasn ’ t — will never be — enough .
I now know she was depressed and anxious .
She missed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would rarely see until she died at nearly the same age my mother had been when she passed on too .
In the small village of Bedoń where my mother was born , there is a cemetery , much like the cemeteries you find in village centers all over Poland .
My grandmother is buried there .
We buried my grandfather there too .
My mother is interred in Texas and we buried some of her ashes under a mesquite tree on our property .
I stare at the cross made of rocks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ assembled to mark it .
My parents had begun splitting their time between Connecticut and Texas , hoping to spend their retirement in Texas .
Perhaps they also hoped to find some semblance of home as memories of Poland became more and more remote .
In mourning , I have learned that every version of myself must grieve her loss .
Sometimes I find myself walking on the street hearing the refrain “ Where is my mother ?
” playing on a loop in my head as if I am a small child @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about what will happen as my memories of my mother become more remote too .
I worry I will forget her altogether , and will just have pictures to rely on , as I try to understand what she was thinking and feeling as she stared off or looked directly at the camera .
Where do I put the memories I do have and want to forget ?
Her anguished last hours .
The guilt I feel at leaving her in her final days , knowing she was waiting for me to return @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with her as she died ?
When I close my eyes I see her collapsing and opening and closing her mouth searching for air .
Those memories are as true as the ones she told me about her life before me and the memories I ’ ve searched for in photographs I have of her .
In me they are forced to coexist .
And yet , writing about her at all feels like a betrayal .
Writing about her most vulnerable moments goes against everything she believed in .
I can imagine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ remark in her accented English .
And all I can think is that I can ’ t get the truth right , her spirit right , anyway .
Have I reduced her to a simple immigration story ?
I feel like I don ’ t have enough to go on , to know her as much as I wanted to , even though she wasn ’ t as opaque as I might make her out to be .
My mother ’ s favorite childhood memory , as she told it to me , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cherry tree in their yard .
She would climb up in the branches and eat cherries and watch the yard , the street .
She said it ’ s where she felt safe : “ No one could reach me up there.
” She wasn ’ t a person who dwelled on the past , though .
She only wanted to look forward .
“ The past is too painful , ” she said .
“ It doesn ’ t help you to look back.
” But looking back is all I want @ @ @ @

We did not visit Poland often. Only when someone died. I have not been able to bring part of my mother’s ashes to Poland yet because of the pandemic. They sit in my living room, waiting to join my other dead relatives in her village of Bedoń.
I live in California, 3,000 miles away from where I grew up, and when my mother couldn’t sleep she’d call me. I always picked up.
“I think I know how I got sick,” she said once.
My mother had an aversion to being sick and to anyone knowing about it. Her father had tuberculosis and had to be sent to a sanatorium to recover. My mother, her brother, and my grandmother would visit him as he was quarantined. No one in her village would play with her or her brother afterward. They would taunt them that they were sick too. To be sick, my mother learned, was a humiliation. When she became sick this final time, she isolated herself so much that she stopped seeing or talking to her friends, except for a handful of emails I found. Her business associates didn’t even know she was sick. I had to tell them she was dead and listen to their shock and grief. She had worked until a week before she died. 99.6 pounds.
On the phone, late that night, she recounted how her father was vigilant against things like bedbugs. She whispered to me that he would come into her room and spray everything down with DDT. She said he’d even spray down her pillows and sheets. She recounted, with wonder, how the spray looked in the morning light.
“Or maybe I got sick because they made us get X-rays when I was in puberty. To make sure I didn’t have tuberculosis too,” my mother countered.
How would I know for sure? Now that she's gone, I would never know anything at all. There was no finding the truth. There were just stories.
When I asked my mother why my grandfather was orphaned she told me his mother had died when he was young and his father had remarried a woman who didn’t want him or his two sisters. They were shipped off to different orphanages. Later, in his early twenties, he reunited with one of his sisters and even rekindled a relationship with his father. My mother told me that my grandfather had said that at a wedding for his half-sibling after the war, the entire family was poisoned by black market vodka, which my grandfather had taken only a few sips of. They all died except my grandfather. He was left with no one again.
These were the stories of Poland that I grew up with. Fantastical, breathtaking. When I asked my mother why she was so tough — really, a hard-ass — she said that it was because the family had a car. There were maybe only a few other families with cars; they only had one thanks to my grandfather’s job as a mechanic. But the village boys thought my mother, just in elementary school then, was putting on airs. They were all poor but my mother didn’t want to be. So each day they followed her home and harassed her. She learned to run, to take different streets. And she balled up her fists and learned to fight. No one would ever get anything over her, she said. She glared at me. As if I made her remember something painful that she had been intent on forgetting. But I wanted more. I’ll never get to hear more now, at least from her.
My mother hated dwelling on the past: “There was too much sadness there.” And so she concentrated on the future. Except, in the years before her death, she’d started calling me to say things like: “I don’t think we should have left Poland after all.”
This was a shocking admission from a woman who loved America more than anyone I knew. Who believed it was the one country you could build yourself into whoever you wanted to be. A place that accepted a family who had no money, no recognizable name, no understanding of the language, and allowed them to work to be someone else. That didn’t mean it wasn’t difficult or that, in her waning days, my mother perhaps thought it wasn’t quite worth it.
“If I had known that Communism would fall 10 years after we left, I would not have left,” she said. “We just believed it would go on forever.”
My parents were graduate students when they decided to leave. Or rather, the situation had become so untenable that they had to leave. They felt like the country would always be one of food rations and lack of opportunity. So they sewed our birth certificates, their school diplomas, and other important papers into the lining of their suitcases and we left. They only told their parents the night before for fear of someone turning them in.
Twenty-five years after we left Poland as political refugees, we returned, to bury my grandfather, and retrace our steps of leaving the country. My parents, my sister, my brother, and I went through a border crossing in Chałupki, Poland. As my father handed over our American passports, I saw him become more and more agitated, as if he had been plunged into the memory of the time before, when my parents pretended to be going on vacation in order to leave and beg for political asylum in Vienna. The tension and fear was still present in his muscle memory. He only spoke English to the border guard, who insulted him by saying my brother, who had been born in the US, was the only real American of any of us as he returned our passports 30 minutes later.
We crossed into the Czech Republic and then, with ease, into Austria, where I noted the marked difference between the landscape of formerly Communist countries and the verdant hills of this one. The difference felt like a cliché. Bright flowers bloomed outside gingerbread houses, a stark contrast to the gray Eastern bloc apartments that had ruined the landscape of where we had just been. The kind of industrial apartments where I’d been born.
Our destination was the town of Traiskirchen, and the refugee camp that we had been sent to after my father had followed the instructions he was given by people who had previously fled and asked for political asylum at a police station in Vienna. My family and I stood outside the walls of the refugee camp and I couldn’t believe it was still operational. I looked at the armed guards at the gates, at the razor wire lining the top of the redbrick fence. I looked at the long underwear drying outside a window as my parents wept.
“You chased a boy for bread,” my mother said. “You were always hungry.”
We left those memories behind and went to Klam, Austria, a small village where my parents had taken us when we were allowed out of the refugee camp and where we had lived for a few months in a family-run bed and breakfast, paid for by the Austrian government and the United Nations Refugee Agency. The owner remembered my parents. He was their age, and recalled how his father had let us stay there years before. I used to stare at old photos of my sister and I looking at the sky in similarly patterned dresses, or the two of us naked and staring at the ground with our hands cupped, hoping for what? I don’t know.
My parents walked us to the parking lot where those pictures were taken. They took us to other markers from photos I’d spent my life since staring at, trying to piece together where I came from.


buzzfeed--2020-07-27--My Brother Keeps Making Creepy Sexual Comments About Me — WTF Should I Do?

If that sounds daunting to you , you can make it easier on yourself by having the conversation over the @ @ @ @ @ where you have an easy escape if things go south .
You could also choose @ @ @ @ @ an email or letter , if speaking to him directly makes you nervous .
And @ @ @ @ @ safety here , too — if you think your brother might have an explosive or @ @ @ @ @ out , please do not have the conversation in person .
Ultimately , however you @ @ @ @ @ is the exact right way to do it .

If that sounds daunting to you, you can make it easier on yourself by having the conversation over the phone or via FaceTime, where you have an easy escape if things go south. You could also choose to put your thoughts into an email or letter, if speaking to him directly makes you nervous. And you must consider your physical safety here, too — if you think your brother might have an explosive or violent reaction to being called out, please do not have the conversation in person. Ultimately, however you're most comfortable doing this is the exact right way to do it.


buzzfeed--2020-07-26--This Woman On TikTok Got Pregnant Without Having Sexual Intercourse And Yes, It's Possible

She considered abortion , but ultimately decided to have the baby .
`` I was just nervous I would n't @ @ @ @ @ everything .
But he has it all and more , '' she said .
Samantha @ @ @ @ @ is now 5 .
She 's still with her boyfriend , Alex , and they @ @ @ @ @ named Theo who 's turning 1 next week .
And yes , Theo was conceived @ @ @ @ @ added .

She considered abortion, but ultimately decided to have the baby. "I was just nervous I wouldn't be able to give him everything. But he has it all and more," she said. Samantha's son, Bentley, is now 5. She's still with her boyfriend, Alex, and they also have a baby boy named Theo who's turning 1 next week. And yes, Theo was conceived the traditional way, Samantha added.


buzzfeed--2020-07-25--I Just Cleaned My Apartment After Months Of Quarantine; Here's What I Learned

IDK about you , but March felt three months long and I ca n't tell you a single thing I @ @ @ @ @ means that as summer rolled around and I gained a little more energy , I @ @ @ @ @ to notice the couch was covered in crumbs , the shower curtain had mildew , @ @ @ @ @ low-grade chaos behind a door .
It took some time ( and it 's still @ @ @ @ @ my partner and I have been slowly tidying up our place , room by room @ @ @ @ @ levels went down and it was worth the effort , but it took a little @ @ @ @ @ to tackle , well , everything .

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buzzfeed--2020-07-27--Obama And Biden Filmed Calls With Volunteers For A New Phase Of The Quarantined Campaign

On Monday , Biden ’ s team released a clip of the former president and his two-term vice president checking in with a 19-year-old campaign volunteer by telephone .
When Barack Obama and Joe Biden reunited this month for a video to promote Biden ’ s presidential bid , they shot enough footage to keep the former president visible in a race that the coronavirus pandemic has largely pushed out of public sight .
Biden , seated across a table from Obama , then joins in .
“ Thanks for all you ’ re doing , what you ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ doing a helluva job.
” The call , shared first with BuzzFeed News , is an example of how Biden ’ s team is trying to maximize whatever socially distant time Obama can offer .
Ordinarily , a former president as popular as Obama might already be on the campaign trail , energizing large crowds in battleground states , or at least preparing a major address to the Democratic convention .
But COVID-19 , the disease caused by the novel coronavirus , has rendered rallies unsafe and forced a substantial downsizing of both @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t held a traditional campaign event since early March .
President Donald Trump had hoped to resume his big arena rallies but saw weak turnout last month in Tulsa , Oklahoma , and , blaming the weather on what turned out to be a nice day , scrapped plans for a campaign stop in Portsmouth , New Hampshire .
Obama already has done a video endorsement of Biden and a virtual fundraiser .
The campaign is also expected to promote other videos of calls that he and Biden recently made to volunteers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ while they were together to record a 15-minute video meant to frame the former vice president as a return to competence and decency after the Trump presidency .
The video has been a viral and organizing hit for the campaign .
Including a much-hyped preview and several excerpts , the content has been viewed more than 25 million times since debuting last week .
And the preview , which included a prompt to text the campaign to be notified when the full video went live , helped the campaign triple its email list @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spokesperson said .
In their call with Arianna , Obama and Biden heard about volunteer efforts the campaign is involved with as the pandemic continues .
Food banks and shelters have run short on volunteers , so the campaign has pitched in to host food drives and coordinate assistance through a Virtual Volunteers for Joe program .
“ I ’ ve got a 19-year-old , ” Obama tells her toward the end of the conversation .
“ Your parents must be very proud and trying to figure out how you grew up this @ @ @

Biden, seated across a table from Obama, then joins in. “Thanks for all you’re doing, what you’re doing, Arianna. You’re doing a helluva job.”
The call, shared first with BuzzFeed News, is an example of how Biden’s team is trying to maximize whatever socially distant time Obama can offer. Ordinarily, a former president as popular as Obama might already be on the campaign trail, energizing large crowds in battleground states, or at least preparing a major address to the Democratic convention. But COVID-19, the disease caused by the novel coronavirus, has rendered rallies unsafe and forced a substantial downsizing of both parties’ August conventions. Biden hasn’t held a traditional campaign event since early March. President Donald Trump had hoped to resume his big arena rallies but saw weak turnout last month in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and, blaming the weather on what turned out to be a nice day, scrapped plans for a campaign stop in Portsmouth, New Hampshire.
Obama already has done a video endorsement of Biden and a virtual fundraiser. The campaign is also expected to promote other videos of calls that he and Biden recently made to volunteers.
Biden and Obama filmed those calls while they were together to record a 15-minute video meant to frame the former vice president as a return to competence and decency after the Trump presidency. The video has been a viral and organizing hit for the campaign. Including a much-hyped preview and several excerpts, the content has been viewed more than 25 million times since debuting last week. And the preview, which included a prompt to text the campaign to be notified when the full video went live, helped the campaign triple its email list sign-ups from the previous day, a spokesperson said.
In their call with Arianna, Obama and Biden heard about volunteer efforts the campaign is involved with as the pandemic continues. Food banks and shelters have run short on volunteers, so the campaign has pitched in to host food drives and coordinate assistance through a Virtual Volunteers for Joe program.
“I’ve got a 19-year-old,” Obama tells her toward the end of the conversation. “Your parents must be very proud and trying to figure out how you grew up this fast.”


buzzfeed--2020-07-27--The Husband Is A Top Public Health Official. The Wife Does Lobbying. She Deleted A Tweet That Showed

The Husband Is A Top Public Health Official. The Wife Does Lobbying. She Deleted A Tweet That Showed Them Together At A Public Event.

The wife of the second-ranking official at the Department of Health and Human Services appeared with her husband during an @ @ @ @ @ a time she was being paid to lobby the department .
Emily Hargan tweeted a @ @ @ @ @ press conference at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center centered around a visit by her husband @ @ @ @ @ Hargan .
She has since deleted the tweet .
As first reported by Stat News @ @ @ @ @ paid by three healthcare companies to lobby HHS .
According to lobbying registry disclosures , @ @ @ @ @ was paid $ 28,000 for lobbying by Nostrum Pharmaceuticals ; $ 10,000 from Smart Meter @ @ @ @ @ monitors to people with diabetes ; and $ 10,000 from TL Management , which owns @ @ @ @ @ All three contracts were still active on the day she appeared with her husband on @ @ @ @ @ She has no lobbying disclosures before her HHS work in June of this year .

The wife of the second-ranking official at the Department of Health and Human Services appeared with her husband during an official business trip — at a time she was being paid to lobby the department.
Emily Hargan tweeted a photo from a July 10 press conference at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center centered around a visit by her husband, HHS Deputy Secretary Eric Hargan. She has since deleted the tweet.
As first reported by Stat News, Emily Hargan has been paid by three healthcare companies to lobby HHS. According to lobbying registry disclosures, between June and July she was paid $28,000 for lobbying by Nostrum Pharmaceuticals; $10,000 from Smart Meter, which sells blood glucose monitors to people with diabetes; and $10,000 from TL Management, which owns over 100 nursing homes.
All three contracts were still active on the day she appeared with her husband on an official business trip. She has no lobbying disclosures before her HHS work in June of this year.


buzzfeed--2020-07-27--US Officials Said It's Unlikely Hurricane Hanna Toppled Over Parts Of The Border Wall

The US Army Corps of Engineers said the video was from June when high winds caused parts of the border wall to fall near Deming , New Mexico and not the result of the hurricane .
Over the weekend as Hurricane Hanna blasted through South Texas , video of border fence toppling over was widely shared and attributed to the storm 's winds , but US authorities said it was n't the case .
US Customs and Border Protection ( CBP ) said they were n't aware of any border barriers falling over due to Hurricane Hanna hitting the Rio @ @ @ @ @ @ @ enforcement agency suspected the video was from June in New Mexico , which was confirmed by the US Army .
`` The video circulating on social media appears to be from June 2020 when high winds caused several border wall panels that were pending additional anchoring to fall over at a construction site near Deming , New Mexico , '' CBP said in a statement .
The border fencing project was funded by the Department of Defense , CBP said .
The construction of a border wall was one of President Donald Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rallies , Trump said Mexico would pay for the wall , but that has n't been the case .
Instead , the project is expected to cost US taxpayers billions of dollars .
In January , KYMA reported that several newly installed panels of the border wall fell over in high winds and landed on the Mexican side .
CBP told the station that the sections that gave away had recently been set in new concrete foundation in Calexico , California and that it had not yet been cured resulting in the panels @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by Trump as “ virtually impenetrable , ” the Washington Post reported that smugglers had sawed through new sections of the border wall .
Another section of the border wall in South Texas that was built along the banks of the Rio Grande using private funding was at risk of falling down , ProPublica reported .
The 3-mile section of border fence directly on the banks of the river that divides the US and Mexico was showing signs of runoff erosion , with engineers and hydrologists telling the news agency it should have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ river .

US Customs and Border Protection (CBP) said they weren't aware of any border barriers falling over due to Hurricane Hanna hitting the Rio Grande Valley this weekend. The border enforcement agency suspected the video was from June in New Mexico, which was confirmed by the US Army.
"The video circulating on social media appears to be from June 2020 when high winds caused several border wall panels that were pending additional anchoring to fall over at a construction site near Deming, New Mexico," CBP said in a statement.
The border fencing project was funded by the Department of Defense, CBP said.
The construction of a border wall was one of President Donald Trump's main campaign promises. At his rallies, Trump said Mexico would pay for the wall, but that hasn't been the case. Instead, the project is expected to cost US taxpayers billions of dollars.
In January, KYMA reported that several newly installed panels of the border wall fell over in high winds and landed on the Mexican side. CBP told the station that the sections that gave away had recently been set in new concrete foundation in Calexico, California and that it had not yet been cured resulting in the panels falling.
Despite the structure being described by Trump as “virtually impenetrable,” the Washington Post reported that smugglers had sawed through new sections of the border wall.
Another section of the border wall in South Texas that was built along the banks of the Rio Grande using private funding was at risk of falling down, ProPublica reported. The 3-mile section of border fence directly on the banks of the river that divides the US and Mexico was showing signs of runoff erosion, with engineers and hydrologists telling the news agency it should have never been built so close to the river.


buzzfeed--2020-07-28--Teachers Are Organizing To Protest School Reopenings Before The Coronavirus Is Under Control

Teachers across the country have begun organizing protests to voice concerns about the Trump administration ’ s push for schools to reopen in the fall despite the coronavirus pandemic and to pressure school districts to delay the start of face-to-face instruction .
Educators who have been organizing independently in cities across the United States told BuzzFeed News they ’ re frustrated by the Trump administration ’ s campaign to return to school with no national plan to keep teachers and students from spreading the coronavirus and little to no funding for personal protective equipment .
Organizers from education advocacy movements @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a national movement for more school funding and better pay for teachers in 2018 and 2019 , are focusing on whether and when teachers and students should return to classrooms as coronavirus cases surge .
“ It ’ s one of those things where the teachers have been like , ‘ I ’ ve been taken advantage of for one year , five years , 32 years , and now you ’ re putting my physical well-being in jeopardy — it ’ s not worth this , and that ’ s something that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Lisa Ellis , the founder of the South Carolina for Education movement , told BuzzFeed News .
“ A decision to leave the classroom weighs very heavily on a teacher ’ s decision .
We ’ ve been told , ‘ Well , just do it for the children !
’ and the gaslighting that goes along with that , but it ’ s finally like , ‘ Nope !
At the end of the day , my life and my health is more important than any of this !
’ ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ teachers are organizing motor protests at state capitols , writing letters to governors and state legislators , and pressuring school boards to consider delaying the start of in-school instruction until the coronavirus outbreaks begin to subside in their communities .
And in the weeks leading up to the start of the school year , many teachers have begun voicing concerns about their districts ’ lack of plans about keeping them safe if they do return to classrooms .
“ This is going to tip teachers that were already on the fence about not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this is certainly not worth it , if they were thinking , Maybe I can hang in a little bit longer , ” Ellis said .
“ The number one concern is the fact that nobody seems to care about the physical risk of teachers going back into the classroom — even with the hybrid models that are being presented , the students may not be there all week , but the teachers have to be there all five , and we have to work with all of the students .
”

Teachers across the country have begun organizing protests to voice concerns about the Trump administration’s push for schools to reopen in the fall despite the coronavirus pandemic and to pressure school districts to delay the start of face-to-face instruction.
Educators who have been organizing independently in cities across the United States told BuzzFeed News they’re frustrated by the Trump administration’s campaign to return to school with no national plan to keep teachers and students from spreading the coronavirus and little to no funding for personal protective equipment.
Organizers from education advocacy movements like Red for Ed, which sparked a national movement for more school funding and better pay for teachers in 2018 and 2019, are focusing on whether and when teachers and students should return to classrooms as coronavirus cases surge.
“It’s one of those things where the teachers have been like, ‘I’ve been taken advantage of for one year, five years, 32 years, and now you’re putting my physical well-being in jeopardy — it’s not worth this, and that’s something that teachers don’t take lightly,” Lisa Ellis, the founder of the South Carolina for Education movement, told BuzzFeed News. “A decision to leave the classroom weighs very heavily on a teacher’s decision. We’ve been told, ‘Well, just do it for the children!’ and the gaslighting that goes along with that, but it’s finally like, ‘Nope! At the end of the day, my life and my health is more important than any of this!’”
In school districts across the country, teachers are organizing motor protests at state capitols, writing letters to governors and state legislators, and pressuring school boards to consider delaying the start of in-school instruction until the coronavirus outbreaks begin to subside in their communities. And in the weeks leading up to the start of the school year, many teachers have begun voicing concerns about their districts’ lack of plans about keeping them safe if they do return to classrooms.
“This is going to tip teachers that were already on the fence about not teaching any longer into the territory of this is certainly not worth it, if they were thinking, Maybe I can hang in a little bit longer,” Ellis said. “The number one concern is the fact that nobody seems to care about the physical risk of teachers going back into the classroom — even with the hybrid models that are being presented, the students may not be there all week, but the teachers have to be there all five, and we have to work with all of the students.”