thechaser--2020-10-02--It’s fine to laugh about this one, Pope confirms

Trump getting coronavirus is very , very funny , the Pope has confirmed .
Experts in areas such as philosophy , health , morality and history have all confirmed that not only is it fine to laugh about , but that we have a moral obligation to do it .
“ It couldn ’ t happen to a bigger cunt ” said Pope Francis , spitting his water all over the place .
“ I ’ ve been chuckling to myself ever since and if you ’ re not doing the same there is probably something wrong with you.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like this , ” confirmed UN Secretary-General , António Guterres .
“ If you don ’ t laugh about it now you ’ ll only be annoyed with yourself later .
That ’ s what I reckon , anyway .
“ You ’ ve got to ask yourself – would Donald Trump care if I got coronavirus ?
The answer is , of course , ‘ no ’ , so go for your life , ” said noted Hindu leader Swami Smaranananda .
Vindication has also come from those close to the Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , immunologist Dr Stephen Fauci said “ This dumb bastard !
” before opening a bottle of expensive wine and lighting a cigar .

Trump getting coronavirus is very, very funny, the Pope has confirmed. Experts in areas such as philosophy, health, morality and history have all confirmed that not only is it fine to laugh about, but that we have a moral obligation to do it.
“It couldn’t happen to a bigger cunt” said Pope Francis, spitting his water all over the place. “I’ve been chuckling to myself ever since and if you’re not doing the same there is probably something wrong with you.”
“You can’t write stuff like this,” confirmed UN Secretary-General, António Guterres. “If you don’t laugh about it now you’ll only be annoyed with yourself later. That’s what I reckon, anyway.
“You’ve got to ask yourself – would Donald Trump care if I got coronavirus? The answer is, of course, ‘no’, so go for your life,” said noted Hindu leader Swami Smaranananda.
Vindication has also come from those close to the Trump administration. Shaking his head and laughing, immunologist Dr Stephen Fauci said “This dumb bastard!” before opening a bottle of expensive wine and lighting a cigar.


thechaser--2020-10-02--Donald Trump boasts that he aced the coronavirus test

Donald Trump has today boasted that he has received the highest marks ever in the coronavirus test , beating everyone who has ever been tested before .
“ Doctors were amazed , ” Trump told Fox and Friends today .
“ They said ‘ Wow , Donald , how did you do that !
?
Nobody ’ s ever done anything like that before ’ and then they gave me a lollypop.
” Asked how exactly he could have received high marks in a positive or negative test with no high score , Trump said that it was his viral @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ You wouldn ’ t believe how infectious I am , ” announced Trump to a press room moments before it completely emptied of journalists .
“ They say every time I open my mouth someone somewhere feels like they ’ re dying.
” However , doctors for the President say that if anything Trump ’ s results were underwhelming .
“ Frankly we ’ d hoped he would have been a lot sicker , ” explained one doctor .
“ At this rate it looks like he ’ s going to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ test results we ’ ve seen all year .
We ’ ve no idea how we ’ re going to break this news to his friends and family .
”

Donald Trump has today boasted that he has received the highest marks ever in the coronavirus test, beating everyone who has ever been tested before. “Doctors were amazed,” Trump told Fox and Friends today. “They said ‘Wow, Donald, how did you do that!? Nobody’s ever done anything like that before’ and then they gave me a lollypop.”
Asked how exactly he could have received high marks in a positive or negative test with no high score, Trump said that it was his viral load score that was off the charts. “You wouldn’t believe how infectious I am,” announced Trump to a press room moments before it completely emptied of journalists. “They say every time I open my mouth someone somewhere feels like they’re dying.”
However, doctors for the President say that if anything Trump’s results were underwhelming. “Frankly we’d hoped he would have been a lot sicker,” explained one doctor. “At this rate it looks like he’s going to pull through, which is the worst test results we’ve seen all year. We’ve no idea how we’re going to break this news to his friends and family.”


thechaser--2020-10-02--Disaster that has killed 200,000 Americans contracts coronavirus

BREAKING : A horrible disease that has killed 200,000 Americans was today diagnosed with Coronavirus , causing the world to @ @ @ @ @ for the virus ’ s speedy recovery .
Trump ’ s wife Melania has reportedly @ @ @ @ @ in a development that has baffled doctors given there is clearly no physical intimacy between @ @ @ @ @ they should have known Trump had the virus , given he had been exhibiting a @ @ @ @ @ the last 50 years .
Asked whether they will continue the campaign , Trump ’ @ @ @ @ @ told them they are still planning to debate next week .
However , it was @ @ @ @ @ misheard , with doctors now planning to intubate Trump next week .

BREAKING: A horrible disease that has killed 200,000 Americans was today diagnosed with Coronavirus, causing the world to take to the streets praying for the virus’s speedy recovery.
Trump’s wife Melania has reportedly also contracted the virus, in a development that has baffled doctors given there is clearly no physical intimacy between the pair.
Doctors concurred they should have known Trump had the virus, given he had been exhibiting a severe lack of taste for the last 50 years.
Asked whether they will continue the campaign, Trump’s team said doctors had told them they are still planning to debate next week. However, it was later clarified that they had misheard, with doctors now planning to intubate Trump next week.


thechaser--2020-10-02--White House staff rush to hide all bottles of bleach

Staff at the White House have today raced to make sure all bottles of bleach are placed on high up @ @ @ @ @ that President Donald Trump has contracted coronavirus .
“ I ’ ve got this guys @ @ @ @ @ rambling as he dug through the White House laundry .
“ Hmm , I wonder @ @ @ @ @ ?
Anyone got any sunlight syringes ?
” However , doctors at the White House @ @ @ @ @ Trump ’ s diagnosis , stating that the worst case scenario is he pulls through @ @ @ @ @ we ’ d appreciate if he gave the bleach a go , ” they explained @ @ @ @ @ definitely not going to cure him of coronavirus but at least it ’ ll destroy @ @ @ @ @ plaguing our country .
”

Staff at the White House have today raced to make sure all bottles of bleach are placed on high up shelves today following the announcement that President Donald Trump has contracted coronavirus.
“I’ve got this guys,” Trump was heard rambling as he dug through the White House laundry. “Hmm, I wonder if tide pods would work? Anyone got any sunlight syringes?”
However, doctors at the White House say they are unconcerned with Trump’s diagnosis, stating that the worst case scenario is he pulls through and survives. “Frankly we’d appreciate if he gave the bleach a go,” they explained. “It’s definitely not going to cure him of coronavirus but at least it’ll destroy one disease that’s plaguing our country.”


thechaser--2020-10-02--Coronavirus diagnosed with Donald Trump

Coronavirus diagnosed with Donald Trump

BREAKING : A horrible disease that has killed 200,000 Americans was today diagnosed with Coronavirus .
The sitting President however @ @ @ @ @ , given he has plenty of bleach on hand .
2020 tells world not to @ @ @ @ @ will just magically disappear in a few weeks .
Trump announces that he tested negative @ @ @ @ @ positive , but not that kind of positive , the negative kind of positive , @ @ @ @ @ for 20 minutes ] Experts point out that if Trump dies his death won ’ @ @ @ @ @ , given he is clearly already suffering the comorbidity of foot-in-mouth disease .

BREAKING: A horrible disease that has killed 200,000 Americans was today diagnosed with Coronavirus. The sitting President however says he is not concerned, given he has plenty of bleach on hand.
2020 tells world not to worry about Trump as he will just magically disappear in a few weeks.
Trump announces that he tested negative, by which he means positive, but not that kind of positive, the negative kind of positive, which is actually… [continued for 20 minutes]
Experts point out that if Trump dies his death won’t be attributed to coronavirus, given he is clearly already suffering the comorbidity of foot-in-mouth disease.


thechaser--2020-10-07--Washington Post shuts down citing inability to compete with teenagers on TikTok

The world ’ s most famous investigative journal has today closed its doors , following a series of missteps in recent weeks that saw the newspaper accidentally lose vital scoops to teenagers on social media .
The news comes in the wake of a string of revelations by the children of White House officials which undercut the administration ’ s official messaging – and unveiling a string of troubling covid infections as well as revealing the President ’ s dire health situation .
“ Gosh darn it they did it again , ” said one reporter seen throwing his hat @ @ @ @ @ @ @ repeatedly .
“ I ’ ve been working on that scoop for months !
Does that dumbass Trump kid even know he just revealed the world ’ s largest case of political corruption , or is he just dumb enough to gloat about that stuff on social media and think he can get away with it ?
” Other reporters have given up turning up to White House press conferences , choosing to instead spend their days refreshing the TikTok feed of Claudia Conway , and frantically writing down whatever she posts .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ established that Trump has a 50 % chance of survival , Kellyanne Conway lied about her test results , and that Cindy has a crush on Jason which is totally controversial because he was dating her best friend Kayleigh last term which is like totes cray , ” explained one grizzled Post reporter .
“ These revelation could spell the end of the current US administration if true , and is also terrible news for Corey who has secretly been crushing on Cindy for months.
” The paper , famed for its “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ also been forced to change its slogan to “ democracy dies either way apparently ” after the Trump administration ’ s open and unabashed corruption over four years led to no apparent consequences for Trump or his family .
“ They literally stole money from a children ’ s charity and they didn ’ t even get a slap on the wrist , ” sighed one reporter .
“ I mean , what ’ s the point of even reporting on this stuff anymore if nobody ’ s even going to do anything @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spend my time doing more productive things for society , like becoming a shelf-packer .
Anyway , to answer your question the canned tomatoes are in aisle 5 .
”

The world’s most famous investigative journal has today closed its doors, following a series of missteps in recent weeks that saw the newspaper accidentally lose vital scoops to teenagers on social media. The news comes in the wake of a string of revelations by the children of White House officials which undercut the administration’s official messaging – and unveiling a string of troubling covid infections as well as revealing the President’s dire health situation.
“Gosh darn it they did it again,” said one reporter seen throwing his hat on the floor and jumping on it repeatedly. “I’ve been working on that scoop for months! Does that dumbass Trump kid even know he just revealed the world’s largest case of political corruption, or is he just dumb enough to gloat about that stuff on social media and think he can get away with it?”
Other reporters have given up turning up to White House press conferences, choosing to instead spend their days refreshing the TikTok feed of Claudia Conway, and frantically writing down whatever she posts. “So far today we’ve established that Trump has a 50% chance of survival, Kellyanne Conway lied about her test results, and that Cindy has a crush on Jason which is totally controversial because he was dating her best friend Kayleigh last term which is like totes cray,” explained one grizzled Post reporter. “These revelation could spell the end of the current US administration if true, and is also terrible news for Corey who has secretly been crushing on Cindy for months.”
The paper, famed for its “Democracy dies in darkness” had recently also been forced to change its slogan to “democracy dies either way apparently” after the Trump administration’s open and unabashed corruption over four years led to no apparent consequences for Trump or his family. “They literally stole money from a children’s charity and they didn’t even get a slap on the wrist,” sighed one reporter. “I mean, what’s the point of even reporting on this stuff anymore if nobody’s even going to do anything about it. I might as well spend my time doing more productive things for society, like becoming a shelf-packer. Anyway, to answer your question the canned tomatoes are in aisle 5.”


thechaser--2020-10-06--Contact tracers for Rose Garden ‘super-spreader’ event racing to find out who to thank

Contact tracers in Washington , DC are going door to door with a gift basket and card for the person who gave Donald Trump coronavirus .
Workers from the district ’ s health department have committed to finding the source of the White House outbreak and rewarding them with a nice little treat .
Contact tracer Dylan Fring described an excited yet methodical search .
“ We started off wondering if someone had done it deliberately but our computer slowed to a crawl when we asked it to identify everyone with a motive , ” Fring said .
“ We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is finding close friends .
This didn ’ t work either because no one would admit to that.
” Despite the setbacks the team remain confident they will find the person responsible and hand over the basket of fruit , chocolates and preserves .
“ We wanted to have a giant novelty cheque as well , ” Fring continued , “ but the department spent all their money on Donald Trump ’ s medical bill for three days of care in an American private hospital .
The card is nice , though .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
”

Contact tracers for Rose Garden ‘super-spreader’ event racing to find out who to thank
Contact tracers in Washington, DC are going door to door with a gift basket and card for the person who gave Donald Trump coronavirus. Workers from the district’s health department have committed to finding the source of the White House outbreak and rewarding them with a nice little treat.
Contact tracer Dylan Fring described an excited yet methodical search. “We started off wondering if someone had done it deliberately but our computer slowed to a crawl when we asked it to identify everyone with a motive,” Fring said. “We then adopted the usual technique, which is finding close friends. This didn’t work either because no one would admit to that.”
Despite the setbacks the team remain confident they will find the person responsible and hand over the basket of fruit, chocolates and preserves.
“We wanted to have a giant novelty cheque as well,” Fring continued, “but the department spent all their money on Donald Trump’s medical bill for three days of care in an American private hospital. The card is nice, though. It’s got 7,850,000,000 signatures in.”


thechaser--2020-10-07--Frydenberg to trial ‘Tax Cuts for the Rich’ as a potential cure for Covid-19

Treasurer and guy has spent the last few weeks sitting alone eating from a tub of ice-cream whilst crying along to ACDC , Josh Frydernberg has today announced his new plan to fix the coronavirus crisis by funding research into the use of ‘ Tax Cuts for the Rich ’ as a potential cure .
Mr Frydernberg announced the government is already in talks with companies their mates own about taking on the task to finally cure the disease using the same ‘ cure ’ the treasurer uses for every issue he faces .
The treasurer took time out away @ @ @ @ @ @ @ any journalists ’ questions to speak with us earlier today .
“ Why hasn ’ t any of these so-called ‘ experts ’ thought to use tax cuts sooner ?
” said the rich man , “ If we take in less money from those with the most disposable income it will surely cure this disease , it helps the rest of our lives .
Experts claim that curing Covid-19 is extremely complex and needs to be done in a way that will work for a long time .
But experts also claimed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ found that simple .
Red equals bad and is always Labor ’ s fault .
If I can figure that out , I can figure this Coronavirus thing out.
” Mr Frydenberg was not done there , he also suggested other issues that cutting the taxes for the richest people will solve .

Treasurer and guy has spent the last few weeks sitting alone eating from a tub of ice-cream whilst crying along to ACDC, Josh Frydernberg has today announced his new plan to fix the coronavirus crisis by funding research into the use of ‘Tax Cuts for the Rich’ as a potential cure.
Mr Frydernberg announced the government is already in talks with companies their mates own about taking on the task to finally cure the disease using the same ‘cure’ the treasurer uses for every issue he faces. The treasurer took time out away from his day-to-day work of avoiding answering any journalists’ questions to speak with us earlier today.
“Why hasn’t any of these so-called ‘experts’ thought to use tax cuts sooner?” said the rich man, “If we take in less money from those with the most disposable income it will surely cure this disease, it helps the rest of our lives. Experts claim that curing Covid-19 is extremely complex and needs to be done in a way that will work for a long time. But experts also claimed that government budgeting is hard but I found that simple. Red equals bad and is always Labor’s fault. If I can figure that out, I can figure this Coronavirus thing out.”
Mr Frydenberg was not done there, he also suggested other issues that cutting the taxes for the richest people will solve.


thechaser--2020-10-08--Govt shocked women want tax breaks – “How do they have jobs without going to elite all-boys schools?

Govt shocked women want tax breaks – “How do they have jobs without going to elite all-boys schools?”

The government today has responded to allegations of clear gender bias in the latest budget with support male dominated industries over female dominated industries .
The government denied that gender played a part in their decisions of where to apply tax breaks , saying instead they just didn ’ t realise women could get jobs since they didn ’ t go to an ‘ elite all-boys school ’ first .
“ Wait , what do you mean women can have jobs now ?
” said a representative for the government who claims their parent ’ s donations to the party @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , “ I mean how would that even work ?
How do they find an interview with a company if you don ’ t already know the CEO from your exclusive all boys school ?
What do they talk about in the interview if it isn ’ t reminiscing about the good old days of spitting on the homeless , and all those crimes that father helped us not get charged with ?
” “ We assumed women wouldn ’ t be able to get into the workforce because they aren ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
I mean some are but that ’ s just cause as Father used to tell me before nanny put me to bed , ‘ you can ’ t have a business luncheon without strippers ’ .
Ohhh that is a job .
Shit you are right .
Wait a second I wonder if Nanny or the help staff had jobs growing up ?
” Informed that lots of women do actually have jobs in a range of fields and some even do the same jobs as private school twerps , members of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Good golly , women in the workplace , well I never .
What ’ s next , a female Prime Minister ?
Anyway , I highly doubt that we would be giving money to women in the budget .
Between you and me , women would probably just end up spending the money on shoes .
Am I right ?
They can ’ t look after a budget like we can , they would just end up in huge amounts of debt .
”

The government today has responded to allegations of clear gender bias in the latest budget with support male dominated industries over female dominated industries. The government denied that gender played a part in their decisions of where to apply tax breaks, saying instead they just didn’t realise women could get jobs since they didn’t go to an ‘elite all-boys school’ first.
“Wait, what do you mean women can have jobs now?” said a representative for the government who claims their parent’s donations to the party has nothing to do with his hiring, “I mean how would that even work? How do they find an interview with a company if you don’t already know the CEO from your exclusive all boys school? What do they talk about in the interview if it isn’t reminiscing about the good old days of spitting on the homeless, and all those crimes that father helped us not get charged with?”
“We assumed women wouldn’t be able to get into the workforce because they aren’t even allowed in the elite boys-clubs meetings. I mean some are but that’s just cause as Father used to tell me before nanny put me to bed, ‘you can’t have a business luncheon without strippers’. Ohhh that is a job. Shit you are right. Wait a second I wonder if Nanny or the help staff had jobs growing up?”
Informed that lots of women do actually have jobs in a range of fields and some even do the same jobs as private school twerps, members of the government front bench were shocked.
“Good golly, women in the workplace, well I never. What’s next, a female Prime Minister? Anyway, I highly doubt that we would be giving money to women in the budget. Between you and me, women would probably just end up spending the money on shoes. Am I right? They can’t look after a budget like we can, they would just end up in huge amounts of debt.”


thechaser--2020-10-08--Pauline Hanson deported after failing the new citizenship english test

One Nation Senator and breakfast TV ’ s favourite racist , Pauline Hanson , has today been deported back to the early 1900s after she failed to integrate with modern Australian values .
The country ’ s foremost white supremacist and former Dancing With The Stars contestant is reported to have lost her citizenship after attempting to show off how simple the new English test would be .
“ Look any idiot could pass this test , it ’ s just cotton knowlenge , ” slurred Hanson , “ Look take queshtun A for eggs ample .
What is a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , you jush , uh , well I ’ m sure queshtun two will be easier.
” However , Ms Hanson quickly backpedaled after the second question required her to name a word starting with ‘ n ’ .
While she was initially quick off the mark with her answer , fellow panelists on breakfast Sunrise were forced to immediate cut to an ad break .
“ What , what is it ?
” a confused Hanson was heard asking hosts as they tried to smile through the debacle .
“ That ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a line this time Pauline , I ’ m afraid you just can ’ t say that word on this show , ” said a furious David Koch , “ I ’ ll put up with your blatant racism any day of the week , but to say the word ‘ Nine ‘ out loud on this show is a step too far .
”

One Nation Senator and breakfast TV’s favourite racist, Pauline Hanson, has today been deported back to the early 1900s after she failed to integrate with modern Australian values. The country’s foremost white supremacist and former Dancing With The Stars contestant is reported to have lost her citizenship after attempting to show off how simple the new English test would be.
“Look any idiot could pass this test, it’s just cotton knowlenge,” slurred Hanson, “Look take queshtun A for eggs ample. What is a adverb… well thats… that’s eashy, you jush, uh, well I’m sure queshtun two will be easier.”
However, Ms Hanson quickly backpedaled after the second question required her to name a word starting with ‘n’. While she was initially quick off the mark with her answer, fellow panelists on breakfast Sunrise were forced to immediate cut to an ad break.
“What, what is it?” a confused Hanson was heard asking hosts as they tried to smile through the debacle.
“That’s it, you’ve crossed a line this time Pauline, I’m afraid you just can’t say that word on this show,” said a furious David Koch, “I’ll put up with your blatant racism any day of the week, but to say the word ‘Nine‘ out loud on this show is a step too far.”


thechaser--2020-10-09--US starting to worry man who once suggested injecting bleach might be losing his judgement

Washington insiders are beginning to question the judgement of President Donald Trump , following several days of erratic behaviour that stands in sharp contrast to his usual calm , measured , and fact-based approach to the presidency .
President Trump was released from hospital earlier this week , after somehow contracting Covid-19 from a super-spreader event on his own front lawn that he attended without a face-mask .
Since then , he ’ s made a series of strange decisions and inflammatory comments that has led many to express concern that the man who once mocked a disabled reporter on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nuclear powers over Twitter , seriously suggested injecting disinfectant as a cure for coronavirus , wanted to nuke a hurricane , and has publicly stated his desire to date his daughter might not be mentally fit for the presidency .
A particular worry is that the cocktail of experimental drugs he was given to fight the virus might be impairing his ability to do his job effectively , something he has been notably skilled at while healthy and sober .
A spokesperson has denied the allegations , assuring the Chaser that Donald Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he ’ s ever been .

Washington insiders are beginning to question the judgement of President Donald Trump, following several days of erratic behaviour that stands in sharp contrast to his usual calm, measured, and fact-based approach to the presidency.
President Trump was released from hospital earlier this week, after somehow contracting Covid-19 from a super-spreader event on his own front lawn that he attended without a face-mask. Since then, he’s made a series of strange decisions and inflammatory comments that has led many to express concern that the man who once mocked a disabled reporter on the campaign trail, repeatedly insults belligerent nuclear powers over Twitter, seriously suggested injecting disinfectant as a cure for coronavirus, wanted to nuke a hurricane, and has publicly stated his desire to date his daughter might not be mentally fit for the presidency. A particular worry is that the cocktail of experimental drugs he was given to fight the virus might be impairing his ability to do his job effectively, something he has been notably skilled at while healthy and sober.
A spokesperson has denied the allegations, assuring the Chaser that Donald Trump is as sharp and as sane as he’s ever been.


thechaser--2020-10-09--Fly excited about finding its biggest piece of shit yet

The fly on Vice President Mike Pence has reported feeling overwhelmed by the size of this piece of shit .
Having spent half of his life going from one chunk of faeces to the next , fly Antonio Barker-Cooper confirmed that Pence was by far the biggest one yet .
However , Barker-Cooper was quick to point out that it was not only the turd ’ s size that was impressive .
The 20-day old housefly explained that Pence ’ s character was just as important as his physical mass .
Navigating around the Vice President ’ s cranium , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ might get in the tread of your tyres , but it can ’ t make abortion less accessible and less safe for women.
” “ And I ’ ve never known one to oppose sensible firearms restrictions , or claim that smoking doesn ’ t kill you .
This one really is the biggest yet !
” “ I suppose none of the other pieces of shit I ’ ve landed on have acknowledged climate change as a threat either , ” Barker-Cooper continued , “ but I reckon they would before this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that none of his friends will believe him when he tells them the story but is hoping someone will have taped the debate .

The fly on Vice President Mike Pence has reported feeling overwhelmed by the size of this piece of shit. Having spent half of his life going from one chunk of faeces to the next, fly Antonio Barker-Cooper confirmed that Pence was by far the biggest one yet.
However, Barker-Cooper was quick to point out that it was not only the turd’s size that was impressive. The 20-day old housefly explained that Pence’s character was just as important as his physical mass.
Navigating around the Vice President’s cranium, Barker-Cooper said “A carelessly-dropped dog egg might get in the tread of your tyres, but it can’t make abortion less accessible and less safe for women.”
“And I’ve never known one to oppose sensible firearms restrictions, or claim that smoking doesn’t kill you. This one really is the biggest yet!”
“I suppose none of the other pieces of shit I’ve landed on have acknowledged climate change as a threat either,” Barker-Cooper continued, “but I reckon they would before this piece of shit does.”
Barker-Cooper said that none of his friends will believe him when he tells them the story but is hoping someone will have taped the debate.


thechaser--2020-10-09--Living through historic, once-in-a-century global pandemic actually quite boring

Living through an event that will be remembered for the rest of time is tedious , everyone agrees .
The Covid-19 pandemic will shape the remainder of human existence , but despite its importance it is still really fucking boring .
“ No one ever talks about the Spanish Flu being dull , but it must have been , ” said bus driver Alan Bhattacharyya .
“ Behind every picture of a mass grave there must be heaps of pictures of people just sitting around not being able to go to the seaside or whatever.
” “ When they put @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll all be about scientists rushing to find a cure .
Nobody ’ s going to read about me watching The Sopranos again because the pubs are closed.
” Experts agree that enormous historical events can also be arse-blisteringly monotonous .
Historian Dr Ian Plugg confirmed it , saying “ For every beheading in the French Revolution there were ten thousand people just sitting around waiting for the road to clear so they could go to work .
“ Don ’ t tell anyone , though .
I could lose my job @ @ @ @

Living through an event that will be remembered for the rest of time is tedious, everyone agrees. The Covid-19 pandemic will shape the remainder of human existence, but despite its importance it is still really fucking boring.
“No one ever talks about the Spanish Flu being dull, but it must have been,” said bus driver Alan Bhattacharyya. “Behind every picture of a mass grave there must be heaps of pictures of people just sitting around not being able to go to the seaside or whatever.”
“When they put this shit in the history books it’ll all be about scientists rushing to find a cure. Nobody’s going to read about me watching The Sopranos again because the pubs are closed.”
Experts agree that enormous historical events can also be arse-blisteringly monotonous. Historian Dr Ian Plugg confirmed it, saying “For every beheading in the French Revolution there were ten thousand people just sitting around waiting for the road to clear so they could go to work.
“Don’t tell anyone, though. I could lose my job for this.”


thechaser--2020-10-12--Calls for Gladys Berejiklian to resign after revelation someone in Sydney had fun

A steamy new scandal has rocked the NSW state government today , leading to calls for NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian to resign after rumours suggest someone in Sydney allegedly was involved in ‘ fun ’ under her watch .
According to these rumours a Sydney resident named ‘ Gladys Berejiklian ’ was involved in ‘ fun ’ with a former member of the Premier ’ s own government .
The Premier spoke to the media this afternoon in order to try bang this ‘ fun ’ out and really prove she has this issue pegged .
“ If I had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ first one to resign , ” said Berejiklian who controversially seemed to be having fun sneaking that diss in against her ex .
“ But trust me when I say I haven ’ t. ” “ I have worked hard my entire career to stamp out any and all fun from the city of Sydney , and I am confident in my ability to continue to do so even if I made some personal mistakes .
To the people who are questioning my association with ‘ fun ’ I want to make this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ‘ fun ’ but that is how I know how dangerous it can be to the people of Sydney .
And to those questioning my decision-making skills because of my decision surrounding who I indulged in the fun with , I can only apologise .
That was clearly a weird choice .
The guy is completely undateable .
Absolute waste of space .
Terrible in bed .
Yes I know the microphone ’ s still on.
” Some NSW residents have spoken out in support of the Premier .
“ That ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” said Barnaby from Woolbroke .
“ I can respect her hustle and resolve .
Actually , now that I think about it , does anyone know if the NSW LNP are hiring ?
Sounds right up my ally .
”

A steamy new scandal has rocked the NSW state government today, leading to calls for NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian to resign after rumours suggest someone in Sydney allegedly was involved in ‘fun’ under her watch. According to these rumours a Sydney resident named ‘Gladys Berejiklian’ was involved in ‘fun’ with a former member of the Premier’s own government.
The Premier spoke to the media this afternoon in order to try bang this ‘fun’ out and really prove she has this issue pegged.
“If I had done something fun I would be the first one to resign,” said Berejiklian who controversially seemed to be having fun sneaking that diss in against her ex. “But trust me when I say I haven’t.”
“I have worked hard my entire career to stamp out any and all fun from the city of Sydney, and I am confident in my ability to continue to do so even if I made some personal mistakes. To the people who are questioning my association with ‘fun’ I want to make this clear, I used to partake in ‘fun’ but that is how I know how dangerous it can be to the people of Sydney. And to those questioning my decision-making skills because of my decision surrounding who I indulged in the fun with, I can only apologise. That was clearly a weird choice. The guy is completely undateable. Absolute waste of space. Terrible in bed. Yes I know the microphone’s still on.”
Some NSW residents have spoken out in support of the Premier. “That’s what I want to see from politicians,” said Barnaby from Woolbroke. “I can respect her hustle and resolve. Actually, now that I think about it, does anyone know if the NSW LNP are hiring? Sounds right up my ally.”


thechaser--2020-10-12--NSW back in lockdown as mass public illness is triggered by political sex scandal

The state of NSW has been placed in immediate quarantine tonight following an outbreak of public illness that threatens to overrun the public health system .
Doctors in wards across Australia were forced to leave dry heaving patients in corridors and carparks as the supply of beds ran short , following the revelation that the NSW Premier had been secretly in a friends-with-benefits relationship with a former MP .
“ Oh god , I think I ’ m going to be ill , ” exclaimed thousands of New South Welshites this afternoon .
“ I hergh… .
I don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sorry I have to HEURGHHGH .
Oh dear I hope those weren ’ t new shoes.
” Doctors say they believe this to be the worst public health crisis to hit the state since Barnaby Joyce ’ s sex life made headlines in 2018 .
Contract tracers have already been deployed to find anyone else who has had sex with the MPs , with millions praying that no linked cases are found .
“ Gosh could you imagine if they were swingers too , ” said one woman dry heaving out of her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ social distancing , why couldn ’ t they just keep 1.5m apart like everyone else.
” Doctors have suggested anyone suffering from symptoms of MP scandalitis immediately inject their eyes with bleach .
“ It probably won ’ t cure you , ” explained one doctor , “ but at least you ’ ll never have to see a headline like that again .
”

The state of NSW has been placed in immediate quarantine tonight following an outbreak of public illness that threatens to overrun the public health system. Doctors in wards across Australia were forced to leave dry heaving patients in corridors and carparks as the supply of beds ran short, following the revelation that the NSW Premier had been secretly in a friends-with-benefits relationship with a former MP.
“Oh god, I think I’m going to be ill,” exclaimed thousands of New South Welshites this afternoon. “I hergh…. I don’t think I can huergh… Oh god sorry I have to HEURGHHGH. Oh dear I hope those weren’t new shoes.”
Doctors say they believe this to be the worst public health crisis to hit the state since Barnaby Joyce’s sex life made headlines in 2018. Contract tracers have already been deployed to find anyone else who has had sex with the MPs, with millions praying that no linked cases are found. “Gosh could you imagine if they were swingers too,” said one woman dry heaving out of her car window. “So much for social distancing, why couldn’t they just keep 1.5m apart like everyone else.”
Doctors have suggested anyone suffering from symptoms of MP scandalitis immediately inject their eyes with bleach. “It probably won’t cure you,” explained one doctor, “but at least you’ll never have to see a headline like that again.”


thechaser--2020-10-14--Pence supports impeaching Trump after hearing he wants to kiss men

Vice-president and devout Christian minus the whole ‘ love thy neighbour ’ nonsense , Mike Pence has today spoken out today calling for Donald Trump to be impeached after footage emerged of the president saying he wanted to kiss all the guys in the crowd at a recent rally .
“ This kind of behaviour during a public outbreak of disease is unacceptable , ” explained Pence .
“ It is disgusting to see a President so shamelessly offer to spread something as dangerous as ‘ homosexuality ’ .
I was shocked , shocked when I heard this , though @ @ @ @ @ @ @ chemistry between with his wife.
” “ As a devout Christian I can not stand by a president who would consensually kiss other men , ” Pence continued .
“ I preferred him back when he was cheating on his wife with a porn star and bragging about grabbing women by the pussy.
” “ This is a matter of religious freedom to restrict other people ’ s freedoms .
As a single middle-aged man who travelled around with 12 sailors preaching about accepting others for who they are , I believe Jesus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ being attracted to the same gender .
Those people are all sick , twisted perverts .
Now if you ’ ll excuse me I have to go make love to my wife who I call ‘ mother ’ .
”

Vice-president and devout Christian minus the whole ‘love thy neighbour’ nonsense, Mike Pence has today spoken out today calling for Donald Trump to be impeached after footage emerged of the president saying he wanted to kiss all the guys in the crowd at a recent rally.
“This kind of behaviour during a public outbreak of disease is unacceptable,” explained Pence. “It is disgusting to see a President so shamelessly offer to spread something as dangerous as ‘homosexuality’. I was shocked, shocked when I heard this, though admittedly it does explain his lack of chemistry between with his wife.”
“As a devout Christian I cannot stand by a president who would consensually kiss other men,” Pence continued. “I preferred him back when he was cheating on his wife with a porn star and bragging about grabbing women by the pussy.”
“This is a matter of religious freedom to restrict other people’s freedoms. As a single middle-aged man who travelled around with 12 sailors preaching about accepting others for who they are, I believe Jesus would be all for punishing people for being attracted to the same gender. Those people are all sick, twisted perverts. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go make love to my wife who I call ‘mother’.”


thechaser--2020-10-14--Angus Taylor spotted buying a tractor

Angus Taylor spotted buying a tractor

As talk around a potential federal ICAC ramps up , Federal Energy Minister and world ’ s corniest Bond villain seemingly hell bent on destroying the world , Angus Taylor , was today spotted out and about buying a tractor for some reason .
In an interview with The Chaser , Mr Taylor denied the media speculation that he purchased it in hopes to copy the PM ’ s ‘ Australia ’ s daggy dad ’ persona by being ‘ Australia ’ s Creepy Uncle ’ , claiming it was for a very different reason .
“ There has been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and I will make it clear that completely I deny the allegations I plan to use this for some sort of farming.
” Said the MP before accidentally running over pages of what looks to be Clover Moore ’ s signature over and over again , “ Oh no , whoops my bad .
Damn and I was just about to prepare those documents for the shredder… I mean prepare it for safe storage in case investigators ever wanted to actually look at evidence surrounding the mysterious nature of the forgery .
Well @ @ @ @ @ @ @ running over his laptop which had a webpage open showing his direct connections to the company embroiled in the drought relief scandal , Mr Taylor spoke more on the necessity for modern politicians to own a tractor : “ I have suggested to many of my fellow Ministers getting one of these bad boys .
No one believes you when you say the dog ate my email , and you can ’ t accidentally fit an entire phone in a shredder , but you can accidentally run them over .
No one would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ because it happens all the time .
I mean who hasn ’ t run over multiple important things with a tractor on accident ?
” “ Scotty , Peter and Josh have already asked if they can borrow the tractor after I accidentally run over any evidence of me buying it on the taxpayer credit card .
Speaking of , does anyone know how one could theoretically accidentally run over all evidence of me leaking letters to Newscorp before giving the letters to the politicians they were intended for ?
Asking for a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I mean quite Australian .
”

As talk around a potential federal ICAC ramps up, Federal Energy Minister and world’s corniest Bond villain seemingly hell bent on destroying the world, Angus Taylor, was today spotted out and about buying a tractor for some reason. In an interview with The Chaser, Mr Taylor denied the media speculation that he purchased it in hopes to copy the PM’s ‘Australia’s daggy dad’ persona by being ‘Australia’s Creepy Uncle’, claiming it was for a very different reason.
“There has been speculation surrounding my purchasing of this tractor and I will make it clear that completely I deny the allegations I plan to use this for some sort of farming.” Said the MP before accidentally running over pages of what looks to be Clover Moore’s signature over and over again, “Oh no, whoops my bad. Damn and I was just about to prepare those documents for the shredder… I mean prepare it for safe storage in case investigators ever wanted to actually look at evidence surrounding the mysterious nature of the forgery. Well too bad I guess.”
After accidentally running over his laptop which had a webpage open showing his direct connections to the company embroiled in the drought relief scandal, Mr Taylor spoke more on the necessity for modern politicians to own a tractor:
“I have suggested to many of my fellow Ministers getting one of these bad boys. No one believes you when you say the dog ate my email, and you can’t accidentally fit an entire phone in a shredder, but you can accidentally run them over. No one would ever question how one might do that because it happens all the time. I mean who hasn’t run over multiple important things with a tractor on accident?”
“Scotty, Peter and Josh have already asked if they can borrow the tractor after I accidentally run over any evidence of me buying it on the taxpayer credit card. Speaking of, does anyone know how one could theoretically accidentally run over all evidence of me leaking letters to Newscorp before giving the letters to the politicians they were intended for? Asking for a mate, sorry wait cut that part, I mean quite Australian.”


thechaser--2020-10-16--Andrew Bolt blames multiculturalism for why he can’t find his keys

TV presenter and man who looks like a melting racist statue , Andrew Bolt has come under fire after blaming multiculturalism as the reason he couldn ’ t find his keys this morning causing him to arrive late to work .
“ Much like everything else in this day and age , the mainstream media is too scared to speak up about the truth of how damaging multiculturalism is !
” yelled the mainstream media host who constantly writes opinion pieces for multiple papers on the subject .
“ See I got up this morning ready to speak the truth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my keys .
My wife suggested they could be in the couch or in my pocket from yesterday , but I knew the truth .
African gangs probably came out of the shadows to steal them.
” “ We are being invaded by people who look different to us and speak a different language to us .
That is scary and they will attack you , steal our land and treat us like second class citizens on our land .
Never in the history of Australia , even back when Captain Cook or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ invasion like this happened before on these shores .
See they claim they are here to try to improve their lives and work , but how long till they start shooting everyone and claiming our home belongs to them ?
” “ I will admit that on this one example of my keys going missing my wife was right , and the keys were in my pants from yesterday but still , the multiculturalists are out to get me and they ’ re out to get you too !
Who is to say @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in my pocket after doing menacing things with them ?
I am telling you this whole multiculturalism thing is just one massive cult and is ruining Australia , and I can prove it .
Ever noticed how you can ’ t even spell ‘ multiculturalism ’ without having ‘ cult ’ right in the middle of it ?
” We asked Bolt whether he would oppose the idea of say someone who isn ’ t an Australian citizen having control of roughly say 70 % of all print media , heavily influencing the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would depend on where they came from , how white they are and whether he would continue to get to be paid lots of money to spew hatred on what is supposed to be the news .

TV presenter and man who looks like a melting racist statue, Andrew Bolt has come under fire after blaming multiculturalism as the reason he couldn’t find his keys this morning causing him to arrive late to work.
“Much like everything else in this day and age, the mainstream media is too scared to speak up about the truth of how damaging multiculturalism is!” yelled the mainstream media host who constantly writes opinion pieces for multiple papers on the subject. “See I got up this morning ready to speak the truth and realised I couldn’t find my keys. My wife suggested they could be in the couch or in my pocket from yesterday, but I knew the truth. African gangs probably came out of the shadows to steal them.”
“We are being invaded by people who look different to us and speak a different language to us. That is scary and they will attack you, steal our land and treat us like second class citizens on our land. Never in the history of Australia, even back when Captain Cook or the first fleet landed, has an invasion like this happened before on these shores. See they claim they are here to try to improve their lives and work, but how long till they start shooting everyone and claiming our home belongs to them?”
“I will admit that on this one example of my keys going missing my wife was right, and the keys were in my pants from yesterday but still, the multiculturalists are out to get me and they’re out to get you too! Who is to say they didn’t plant my keys in my pocket after doing menacing things with them? I am telling you this whole multiculturalism thing is just one massive cult and is ruining Australia, and I can prove it. Ever noticed how you can’t even spell ‘multiculturalism’ without having ‘cult’ right in the middle of it?”
We asked Bolt whether he would oppose the idea of say someone who isn’t an Australian citizen having control of roughly say 70% of all print media, heavily influencing the culture of Australia.
He said it would depend on where they came from, how white they are and whether he would continue to get to be paid lots of money to spew hatred on what is supposed to be the news.


thechaser--2020-10-15--Armytage takes break from villainizing black people to cheer on white person committing crimes

Sunrise host and living embodiment of Australian TV ’ s diversity issues , Samantha Armytage has come under fire today for celebrating the illegal actions of a white business owner and calling for viewers to follow suit .
Regular Sunrise viewers were shocked by the segment as Armytage managed to go an entire segment without the villainization of Aboriginal people or any people of colour for that matter .
Armytage has denied assertions online that she is a white supremist , despite that time she literally congratulated a girl just for being born white .
“ I think the way @ @ @ @ @ @ @ breaker for the segment is baseless and full of hurtful assumptions , ” said the woman who called for a second stolen generation then falsely implied the people she offended were violent criminals .
“ That man is a hero for ignoring health advice during a pandemic .
Just because he is committing a criminal act that could endanger people ’ s lives doesn ’ t make him a dangerous criminal .
I mean hello , just look at him , he doesn ’ t look like a dangerous criminal to me .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ isn ’ t secretly in whiteface.
” “ People keep making unfair judgements of me claiming I am racist , but I am far from it .
I have a friend that is a person of colour ; his name is Karl .
People wrongly assume that just because I constantly give racism a platform on the show , defend racism as well as say a lot of racist things , that I am somehow racist and that isn ’ t true .
I believe it is what ’ s on the inside @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Well not the whole outside , mainly just the skin tone .
Not to sound racist but I mean , it isn ’ t surprising that black people wouldn ’ t be smart enough to tell the difference.
” “ Later this week we will go further on this topic with an expert panel on the show , it will be real experts of racism .
Just me , Andrew Bolt and Pauline Hanson , and moderated by Kochie .
It ’ s weird but people keep referring to Kochie as ‘ not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ But he and I are clearly basically the same .
If we didn ’ t agree on issues like this , don ’ t you think he would have stood up to me by now ?
”

Sunrise host and living embodiment of Australian TV’s diversity issues, Samantha Armytage has come under fire today for celebrating the illegal actions of a white business owner and calling for viewers to follow suit. Regular Sunrise viewers were shocked by the segment as Armytage managed to go an entire segment without the villainization of Aboriginal people or any people of colour for that matter.
Armytage has denied assertions online that she is a white supremist, despite that time she literally congratulated a girl just for being born white.
She made a statement earlier today.
“I think the way people are judging me and the law breaker for the segment is baseless and full of hurtful assumptions,” said the woman who called for a second stolen generation then falsely implied the people she offended were violent criminals.
“That man is a hero for ignoring health advice during a pandemic. Just because he is committing a criminal act that could endanger people’s lives doesn’t make him a dangerous criminal. I mean hello, just look at him, he doesn’t look like a dangerous criminal to me. I mean I am pretty sure he isn’t secretly in whiteface.”
“People keep making unfair judgements of me claiming I am racist, but I am far from it. I have a friend that is a person of colour; his name is Karl. People wrongly assume that just because I constantly give racism a platform on the show, defend racism as well as say a lot of racist things, that I am somehow racist and that isn’t true. I believe it is what’s on the inside that counts, and the outside. Well not the whole outside, mainly just the skin tone. Not to sound racist but I mean, it isn’t surprising that black people wouldn’t be smart enough to tell the difference.”
“Later this week we will go further on this topic with an expert panel on the show, it will be real experts of racism. Just me, Andrew Bolt and Pauline Hanson, and moderated by Kochie. It’s weird but people keep referring to Kochie as ‘not as bad’ whatever that means. But he and I are clearly basically the same. If we didn’t agree on issues like this, don’t you think he would have stood up to me by now?”


thechaser--2020-10-19--NSW Premier eases COVID restrictions to allow up to 30 lobbyists in her office at any given time

NSW has officially returned to normality today after the state ’ s Premier announced that all restrictions around developers meeting @ @ @ @ @ be removed immediately .
“ No more will the people of NSW have to place @ @ @ @ @ money on the ground 1.5m away from their closest parliamentarian , instead from today you @ @ @ @ @ to walk right up to then and hand them a wad of cash , no @ @ @ @ @ has also clarified that the easing of restrictions on the number of people allowed inside @ @ @ @ @ to her personal office , which will now allow in up to 30 lobbyists , @ @ @ @ @ non-significant romantic partners at any given time .
“ I will still be requiring the @ @ @ @ @ while indoors , ” explained the Premier , “ but that ’ s mostly just @ @ @ @ @ ICAC to identify them .
”

NSW has officially returned to normality today after the state’s Premier announced that all restrictions around developers meeting politicians in dark alleyways would be removed immediately. “No more will the people of NSW have to place their hessian sacks full of money on the ground 1.5m away from their closest parliamentarian, instead from today you will once again be free to walk right up to then and hand them a wad of cash, no questions asked.”
The Premier has also clarified that the easing of restrictions on the number of people allowed inside a building would also extend to her personal office, which will now allow in up to 30 lobbyists, disgraced former MPs, and non-significant romantic partners at any given time. “I will still be requiring the lobbyists to wear a facemask while indoors,” explained the Premier, “but that’s mostly just to make it harder for ICAC to identify them.”


thechaser--2020-10-19--CIA announces probe into embarrassing lack of election interference in Bolivia

US intelligence agency and international terrorism cell , the CIA has launched an immediate probe into how they could allow Bolivia to have another election without successfully interfering in the final result .
Questions have been raised as to how the CIA managed to overthrow the previously elected socialist leader in a militant coup claiming that the leader wasn ’ t democratically chosen , then allowing the citizens of the natural resource rich Latin-American nation to democratically choose another socialist leader .
“ We are absolutely ashamed to overlook such an important step in the taking over , sorry I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ country , ” said a representative while tossing up whether a drone strike would fix the issue , “ We worked so hard to get rid of the last leader and somehow we embarrassed ourselves by missing the most crucial step for the payoff to happen .
Now how are we supposed to get all that oil , gas and lithium ?
I mean how are Bolivians going to have a fair and balance democracy , and all that freedom.
” “ We need to find out how our team could screw up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out there .
I mean come on , they could have at least poisoned the guy that was endorsed by the last leader we knocked off .
It ’ s a basic play that we trained for but somehow couldn ’ t even do that when it was actually game time .
I mean come on we didn ’ t apply anywhere near enough ‘ defensive ’ military pressure to the voters .
We will be looking long and hard to find how our team made such rookie errors.
” “ Maybe we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that election in the bag .
Not only do we have decades of experience in this game , we also had the universally beloved Elon Musk on our side .
We could have sworn teaming up with him would have been an instant win .
Maybe if we had Elon tweet out a meme calling Luis Arce a pedophile or something that could have done it ?
I guess now we know all of Bolivia aren ’ t Redditors and won ’ t just blindly support him.
” “ Now we are going @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this all again .
I hate when my boss makes me redo my paperwork on destabilising a democracy .
It ’ s so tedious .
The worst part is we can ’ t fix this without there being another election .
At best it ’ s going to take us at least 6-12 months to overthrow this new guy , let alone plan another election , wait no I mean let them announce and plan another election obviously .
”

US intelligence agency and international terrorism cell, the CIA has launched an immediate probe into how they could allow Bolivia to have another election without successfully interfering in the final result. Questions have been raised as to how the CIA managed to overthrow the previously elected socialist leader in a militant coup claiming that the leader wasn’t democratically chosen, then allowing the citizens of the natural resource rich Latin-American nation to democratically choose another socialist leader.
“We are absolutely ashamed to overlook such an important step in the taking over, sorry I mean introducing freedom and democracy to the country,” said a representative while tossing up whether a drone strike would fix the issue, “We worked so hard to get rid of the last leader and somehow we embarrassed ourselves by missing the most crucial step for the payoff to happen. Now how are we supposed to get all that oil, gas and lithium? I mean how are Bolivians going to have a fair and balance democracy, and all that freedom.”
“We need to find out how our team could screw up the basic fundamentals like what we saw out there. I mean come on, they could have at least poisoned the guy that was endorsed by the last leader we knocked off. It’s a basic play that we trained for but somehow couldn’t even do that when it was actually game time. I mean come on we didn’t apply anywhere near enough ‘defensive’ military pressure to the voters. We will be looking long and hard to find how our team made such rookie errors.”
“Maybe we were overconfident? We thought we had that election in the bag. Not only do we have decades of experience in this game, we also had the universally beloved Elon Musk on our side. We could have sworn teaming up with him would have been an instant win. Maybe if we had Elon tweet out a meme calling Luis Arce a pedophile or something that could have done it? I guess now we know all of Bolivia aren’t Redditors and won’t just blindly support him.”
“Now we are going to have to go back and do this all again. I hate when my boss makes me redo my paperwork on destabilising a democracy. It’s so tedious. The worst part is we can’t fix this without there being another election. At best it’s going to take us at least 6-12 months to overthrow this new guy, let alone plan another election, wait no I mean let them announce and plan another election obviously.”


thechaser--2020-10-19--Border Force renamed Border Farce

Border Force renamed Border Farce

The government has responded to its latest stuff-up by announcing plans to update the name of ‘ Border Force ’ to a far more accurate title ‘ Border Farce ’ .
According to the government , this change will be more representative of the taskforce that has given permission for entry to the Ruby Princess , a bunch of Kiwis going into states without travel agreements , and also basically every rich person that has so much as considered coming during the Covid crisis .
This title change is a part of a brand-new strategy for the federal government , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ‘ telling the truth ’ , which is a drastic change from their previous strategy ‘ just blame everything on different premiers and avoid all questions or responsibility on the matter ’ .
“ We realised we needed a change once we found out ‘ Force ’ sounded powerful and threatening , ” said a spokesperson for Border Farce , “ Instead we wanted something more realistic .
Other ideas included : ‘ Border Helpers ’ , ‘ Border Shhh Just Don ’ t Tell Anyone Who Let You Through Please ’ and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ) ’ , before settling on the new name .
‘ Force ’ just sounded too forceful , you know ?
We just wanted to clear things up.
” “ Border Force implied that we were some sort of ‘ force in charge of the border ’ , but if you look at any of the recent media coverage you probably know we aren ’ t ‘ in charge ’ of anything .
This is a point the Federal Government really wants to drive home , we are not , no have we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hope that point is made abundantly clear to everybody at home , especially anyone who could hypothetically be involved in future ICAC investigations.
” Acting immigration minister Alan Tudge , who is currently suffering from a hand cramp due to excessive finger pointing , has denied that this name change has been indicative of the way Border Force has been constantly and completely failing at its job basically since the fairly new department was introduced .
“ Border Force had one job and only one job , and they did it really well @ @ @ @ @ @ @ better life ’ in our home country !
” said Mr Tudge .
“ All the blame games , refusals to engage with investigations and assisting the rich in ways they would never do for regular people was just a bonus , the kind of bonus one would expect from a department set up by our government .
With Covid lockdowns , mental illness and depression have seen a worrying rise but luckily , we can at least make ourselves feel better by taking it out of imprisoned refugees .
This is all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ department .
So thank you Border Force.
” Meanwhile , Border Farce has defended itself over the latest stuff-up , that has seen dozens of New Zealanders roaming free throughout the nation , in breach of strict lockdown restrictions .
“ To be fair , ” said the head of Border Farce , “ we ’ ve only ever protected Australia before against imaginary threats , so it ’ s a whole new ball-game dealing with an actual , real-life threat .

The government has responded to its latest stuff-up by announcing plans to update the name of ‘Border Force’ to a far more accurate title ‘Border Farce’. According to the government, this change will be more representative of the taskforce that has given permission for entry to the Ruby Princess, a bunch of Kiwis going into states without travel agreements, and also basically every rich person that has so much as considered coming during the Covid crisis.
This title change is a part of a brand-new strategy for the federal government, that is internally being referred to as ‘telling the truth’, which is a drastic change from their previous strategy ‘just blame everything on different premiers and avoid all questions or responsibility on the matter’.
“We realised we needed a change once we found out ‘Force’ sounded powerful and threatening,” said a spokesperson for Border Farce, “Instead we wanted something more realistic. Other ideas included: ‘Border Helpers’, ‘Border Shhh Just Don’t Tell Anyone Who Let You Through Please’ and ‘Border Openers (Refugees not included)’, before settling on the new name. ‘Force’ just sounded too forceful, you know? We just wanted to clear things up.”
“Border Force implied that we were some sort of ‘force in charge of the border’, but if you look at any of the recent media coverage you probably know we aren’t ‘in charge’ of anything. This is a point the Federal Government really wants to drive home, we are not, no have we ever been, in charge! We hope that point is made abundantly clear to everybody at home, especially anyone who could hypothetically be involved in future ICAC investigations.”
Acting immigration minister Alan Tudge, who is currently suffering from a hand cramp due to excessive finger pointing, has denied that this name change has been indicative of the way Border Force has been constantly and completely failing at its job basically since the fairly new department was introduced.
“Border Force had one job and only one job, and they did it really well, locking up refugees wanting a ‘better life’ in our home country!” said Mr Tudge. “All the blame games, refusals to engage with investigations and assisting the rich in ways they would never do for regular people was just a bonus, the kind of bonus one would expect from a department set up by our government. With Covid lockdowns, mental illness and depression have seen a worrying rise but luckily, we can at least make ourselves feel better by taking it out of imprisoned refugees. This is all thanks to the hard work of the department. So thank you Border Force.”
Meanwhile, Border Farce has defended itself over the latest stuff-up, that has seen dozens of New Zealanders roaming free throughout the nation, in breach of strict lockdown restrictions. “To be fair,” said the head of Border Farce, “we’ve only ever protected Australia before against imaginary threats, so it’s a whole new ball-game dealing with an actual, real-life threat.


thechaser--2020-10-20--Danger across the ditch as incompetent leader Ardern wins office

Nobody skewered Barack Obama during his presidency like legendary comedian Dennis Miller .
“ It ’ s not all that dramatic with me and Obama , ” Miller once told his audience .
“ It ’ s not racist , it ’ s not classist , it ’ s not ideological .
It ’ s just that he ’ s an inept civil servant .
He ’ s the guy at the toll booth who ’ s constantly giving out the wrong change.
” The same could be said about New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern .
She ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a grossly incompetent administrator .
And with her seismic re-election on Saturday , New Zealand is in for a dangerous three years .
“ There is a distinct chance that if we don ’ t sort out our economic challenges quickly , New Zealand could end up a failed state , ” says Oliver Hartwich , executive director of leading think tank the New Zealand Initiative .
Hartwich is right to be worried .
New Zealand has been hit particularly hard by the Ardern government ’ s heavy-handed coronavirus response .
Before COVID-19 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ largest export industry , employing 8.4 per cent of its workforce and bringing in over one fifth of the country ’ s foreign exchange earnings .
With corona , this key plank of the NZ economy has been shut down for the foreseeable future .
Fundamental economic indicators are even more concerning .
According to the OECD , New Zealand ’ s GDP could fall by 10 per cent in 2020 .
Likewise , unemployment is tipped to rise to just under 9 per cent in 2021 as New Zealand ’ s $ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Public debt will soar from 19 per cent of GDP in 2019 to 56 per cent in 2026 .
Read more of this article on our spinoff satirical news website The Australian .

Nobody skewered Barack Obama during his presidency like legendary comedian Dennis Miller. “It’s not all that dramatic with me and Obama,” Miller once told his audience. “It’s not racist, it’s not classist, it’s not ideological. It’s just that he’s an inept civil servant. He’s the guy at the toll booth who’s constantly giving out the wrong change.”
The same could be said about New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern. She’s a brilliant politician, but has been a grossly incompetent administrator. And with her seismic re-election on Saturday, New Zealand is in for a dangerous three years.
“There is a distinct chance that if we don’t sort out our economic challenges quickly, New Zealand could end up a failed state,” says Oliver Hartwich, executive director of leading think tank the New Zealand Initiative.
Hartwich is right to be worried. New Zealand has been hit particularly hard by the Ardern government’s heavy-handed coronavirus response. Before COVID-19, tourism was New Zealand’s largest export industry, employing 8.4 per cent of its workforce and bringing in over one fifth of the country’s foreign exchange earnings. With corona, this key plank of the NZ economy has been shut down for the foreseeable future.
Fundamental economic indicators are even more concerning. According to the OECD, New Zealand’s GDP could fall by 10 per cent in 2020. Likewise, unemployment is tipped to rise to just under 9 per cent in 2021 as New Zealand’s $14bn corona wage subsidy program ends. Public debt will soar from 19 per cent of GDP in 2019 to 56 per cent in 2026.
Read more of this article on our spinoff satirical news website The Australian.


thechaser--2020-10-21--Following AOC stream success, Republican gamers to play croquet with some hip youths

In a bid to get more young Americans to vote , US senator Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez made history by streaming Among us with popular talented online content creators including Hasanabi , Jacksepticeye , Gus Johnson , Pokimane , and more , on Twitch to over 400,000 people making it the 3rd most viewed stream ever .
It was clear to many that young viewers found it refreshing to relate to a politician showing genuine interest in something they enjoy in a natural and fun way .
However not to be outdone , Republicans have scrambled together a similar plan by offering @ @ @ @ @ @ @ croquet with some hip youths ’ .
“ Greetings youngins , ” said a representative for the GOP announcing the game while dressed like the Fonz holding a fidget spinner , “ we have an exciting shindig for all you hip teens and cool cats .
We love the young people because we can relate to you .
So why don ’ t you join us for a rousing game of croquet ?
Assuming you aren ’ t too busy going down to the local meme show , am I right ?
As @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going to be legend , wait for it , dairy.
” After pulling out a chair to sit on backwards like all the worst teachers do , he continued , “ Let me break it down for you kids and be real for a moment .
There are some real issues at stake here .
If you don ’ t vote for us , it will hurt our way of life .
Joe Biden refuses to denounce Antifa and we all hate them right ?
If they raise taxes on the wealthy , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s holiday estate .
And don ’ t even get me started on the way they push to get guns out of schools , I think we all agree guns are for cool kids like you and me.
” “ Unlike the ‘ woke diverse ’ leftists over there , we will be playing a real sport not some violent video games .
Because unlike them , we share your concern that video games are to blame for all those mass-shootings that just keep happening .
So , get ready to watch @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kyle Rittenhouse in a friendly game of croquet , all filmed right here at this wicked cool country club and available to watch live on the Fox News Tv station .
Bazinga !
”

In a bid to get more young Americans to vote, US senator Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez made history by streaming Among us with popular talented online content creators including Hasanabi, Jacksepticeye, Gus Johnson, Pokimane, and more, on Twitch to over 400,000 people making it the 3rd most viewed stream ever. It was clear to many that young viewers found it refreshing to relate to a politician showing genuine interest in something they enjoy in a natural and fun way. However not to be outdone, Republicans have scrambled together a similar plan by offering to ‘play a rousing game of croquet with some hip youths’.
“Greetings youngins,” said a representative for the GOP announcing the game while dressed like the Fonz holding a fidget spinner, “we have an exciting shindig for all you hip teens and cool cats. We love the young people because we can relate to you. So why don’t you join us for a rousing game of croquet? Assuming you aren’t too busy going down to the local meme show, am I right? As iCarly would say, it’s going to be legend, wait for it, dairy.”
After pulling out a chair to sit on backwards like all the worst teachers do, he continued, “Let me break it down for you kids and be real for a moment. There are some real issues at stake here. If you don’t vote for us, it will hurt our way of life. Joe Biden refuses to denounce Antifa and we all hate them right? If they raise taxes on the wealthy, gone will be your trips to father’s holiday estate. And don’t even get me started on the way they push to get guns out of schools, I think we all agree guns are for cool kids like you and me.”
“Unlike the ‘woke diverse’ leftists over there, we will be playing a real sport not some violent video games. Because unlike them, we share your concern that video games are to blame for all those mass-shootings that just keep happening. So, get ready to watch Ted Cruz take on Ben Shapiro and Kyle Rittenhouse in a friendly game of croquet, all filmed right here at this wicked cool country club and available to watch live on the Fox News Tv station. Bazinga!”


thechaser--2020-10-21--“Dan is a dictator” says government asking ASIO to arrest journalists who call them out

The federal government has proposed sweeping changes to the powers ASIO has to secretly detain and interrogate people for 2 weeks for forced interrogation by adding a much broader definition of the kinds of threats and reasoning needed to detain someone .
While many law and human rights experts are concerned about the proposed changes as they would allow journalists to be detained and jailed for using anonymous sources in pieces calling out the government , ministers claim it is crucial for stopping spies working under other leaders , especially the notorious and ruthless “ Dictator Dan ” .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ against espionage as there are an ever increasing number of spies in Australia , ” said an officer for ASIO who obviously wants to remain anonymous so I guess I am going to need to lawyer up , “ the statistics speak for themselves .
Just look at Melbourne , we have reason to believe roughly 70 % of Melbourne residents are spies working under Dictator Dan .
The government came to us and said they need help taking back the city that once belonged to our nation by declaring all-out war , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hold him off.
” “ Andrews has been violating the human rights of citizens by locking them up in a 5km radius of their houses for their own safety , ” said an LNP member , “ to stop this monster we need ASIO to be able to secretly lock up journalists for at least two weeks so we can protect the freedom of citizens .
Also , it would also be nice to not have to deal with journalism and leaking anymore .
By destabilising the foundations of investigative journalism , we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tyrannical scary outside forces .
By the end of this you will be erecting statues in my name.
” “ Spies could threaten our freedoms as Australians , and as such we will be beating them to it .
If we take away the last remaining freedom of the press , that will stop those spies from being able to take the freedoms away as they won ’ t be there to take away .
We don ’ t need to ‘ protect the journalists and their sources for the same reason we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , allowing them to snoop around and ask questions would lead to not only spies , but everyone to trust the Federal government less due to what they find .
We can not let Australians be influenced to distrust their own government by letting secrets of the kind of deals we make public.
” One other controversial aspect of this bill is that it would see the minimum age of those who can be secretly detained and interrogated down to just 14 , while some question why that is necessary for finding spies @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ The 14-year-old part is not connected to the ‘ catching spies ’ stuff , that is purely that we are afraid of teens on TikTok exposing us or making fun of us .
We saw what has been happening in the US and are terrified for the safety of our government .
”

The federal government has proposed sweeping changes to the powers ASIO has to secretly detain and interrogate people for 2 weeks for forced interrogation by adding a much broader definition of the kinds of threats and reasoning needed to detain someone. While many law and human rights experts are concerned about the proposed changes as they would allow journalists to be detained and jailed for using anonymous sources in pieces calling out the government, ministers claim it is crucial for stopping spies working under other leaders, especially the notorious and ruthless “Dictator Dan”.
“We need to step up our fight against espionage as there are an ever increasing number of spies in Australia,” said an officer for ASIO who obviously wants to remain anonymous so I guess I am going to need to lawyer up, “the statistics speak for themselves. Just look at Melbourne, we have reason to believe roughly 70% of Melbourne residents are spies working under Dictator Dan. The government came to us and said they need help taking back the city that once belonged to our nation by declaring all-out war, so we need these new measures to hold him off.”
“Andrews has been violating the human rights of citizens by locking them up in a 5km radius of their houses for their own safety,” said an LNP member, “to stop this monster we need ASIO to be able to secretly lock up journalists for at least two weeks so we can protect the freedom of citizens. Also, it would also be nice to not have to deal with journalism and leaking anymore. By destabilising the foundations of investigative journalism, we will be protecting you the citizen from tyrannical scary outside forces. By the end of this you will be erecting statues in my name.”
“Spies could threaten our freedoms as Australians, and as such we will be beating them to it. If we take away the last remaining freedom of the press, that will stop those spies from being able to take the freedoms away as they won’t be there to take away. We don’t need to ‘protect the journalists and their sources for the same reason we don’t need a federal ICAC, allowing them to snoop around and ask questions would lead to not only spies, but everyone to trust the Federal government less due to what they find. We cannot let Australians be influenced to distrust their own government by letting secrets of the kind of deals we make public.”
One other controversial aspect of this bill is that it would see the minimum age of those who can be secretly detained and interrogated down to just 14, while some question why that is necessary for finding spies, but the government has clarified: “The 14-year-old part is not connected to the ‘catching spies’ stuff, that is purely that we are afraid of teens on TikTok exposing us or making fun of us. We saw what has been happening in the US and are terrified for the safety of our government.”


thechaser--2020-10-21--“I’ve no time to make a federal ICAC” says PM building cubby house

Part time Prime Minister and full time Bunnings enthusiast Scott Morrison has today shot down suggestions that a federal corruption commission should be created in Australia , with the Prime Minister pointing out that “ the country is in the middle of a crisis ” and that he simply has no time for such trivial matters .
“ When exactly do you expect me to turn up to Canberra and say the word ‘ yes ’ to a bill that ’ s been sitting on my desk since last year ?
” asked the Prime Minister as he made his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this week .
“ Frankly I ’ m up to my eyeballs right now in crisis management – the chicken coop has to be lacquered before sundown and the cubbyhouse still needs me to cut the curtains .
Clearly there are more important issues at hand than a few billion dollars in water grants going missing.
” “ The fact is I simply can ’ t afford to waste any time during a national crisis , ” said the man who flew to Hawaii for a holiday while the country was on fire @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that I be here , feet on the ground , not passing any bills through parliament while campaigning for a state election instead of dealing with the deaths in aged care .
That ’ s real leadership.
” Asked when it would be appropriate then to create a federal ICAC , given he had resisted the same calls long before the covid crisis came along , Morrison said he ’ s sure a free week will come up soon .
“ Look the problem was we spent ten years dealing with Labor ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we simply couldn ’ t investigate the sports rorts , the airport overspending , the reef fund , the water holdings , that beach shack that got all that money , the au pairs , our Finance Minister failing to declare a free holiday he received weeks before awarding the provider a $ 1 billion contract , Joe Hockey ’ s possible involvement in the tendering process for a company he held shares in , Parakeelia , the drug cartel accusations , the franking credits scandal , the accommodation entitlement rorts , Stuart @ @ @ @ @ @ @ $ 30 million Foxtel payout , Angus Taylor doctoring financial records , overpayment of the health services contract given to an ex-party member , the staffer jobs given to coal lobbyists , the misleading election signage , Gladys Liu ’ s preselection , Robodebt , Peter Dutton ’ s childcare interests , the $ 10 million rural grant to upgrade a North Sydney pool , the party hiring a former staffer to lead a corruption investigation , Morrison refusing to release the Sports Rort investigation report , the $ 300,000 given to News @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Barnaby Joyce ’ s entire career .
Fortunately now we ’ ve resolved the debt disaster though , so we ’ ll be able to look into all this any day now , as soon as we work out which Cayman Islands bank account we directed the funds for a new ICAC to .
”

Part time Prime Minister and full time Bunnings enthusiast Scott Morrison has today shot down suggestions that a federal corruption commission should be created in Australia, with the Prime Minister pointing out that “the country is in the middle of a crisis” and that he simply has no time for such trivial matters. “When exactly do you expect me to turn up to Canberra and say the word ‘yes’ to a bill that’s been sitting on my desk since last year?” asked the Prime Minister as he made his way to Bunnings for the 3rd time this week. “Frankly I’m up to my eyeballs right now in crisis management – the chicken coop has to be lacquered before sundown and the cubbyhouse still needs me to cut the curtains. Clearly there are more important issues at hand than a few billion dollars in water grants going missing.”
“The fact is I simply can’t afford to waste any time during a national crisis,” said the man who flew to Hawaii for a holiday while the country was on fire. “It’s very important that I be here, feet on the ground, not passing any bills through parliament while campaigning for a state election instead of dealing with the deaths in aged care. That’s real leadership.”
Asked when it would be appropriate then to create a federal ICAC, given he had resisted the same calls long before the covid crisis came along, Morrison said he’s sure a free week will come up soon. “Look the problem was we spent ten years dealing with Labor’s debt and deficit disaster, so we simply couldn’t investigate the sports rorts, the airport overspending, the reef fund, the water holdings, that beach shack that got all that money, the au pairs, our Finance Minister failing to declare a free holiday he received weeks before awarding the provider a $1 billion contract, Joe Hockey’s possible involvement in the tendering process for a company he held shares in, Parakeelia, the drug cartel accusations, the franking credits scandal, the accommodation entitlement rorts, Stuart Robert’s internet bill, the $30 million Foxtel payout, Angus Taylor doctoring financial records, overpayment of the health services contract given to an ex-party member, the staffer jobs given to coal lobbyists, the misleading election signage, Gladys Liu’s preselection, Robodebt, Peter Dutton’s childcare interests, the $10 million rural grant to upgrade a North Sydney pool, the party hiring a former staffer to lead a corruption investigation, Morrison refusing to release the Sports Rort investigation report, the $300,000 given to News Corp to develop a website, and Barnaby Joyce’s entire career. Fortunately now we’ve resolved the debt disaster though, so we’ll be able to look into all this any day now, as soon as we work out which Cayman Islands bank account we directed the funds for a new ICAC to.”


thechaser--2020-10-23--Gladys asks ICAC if she can change to the “just tucking in my shirt” defence

Unlucky in love Premier Gladys Berekjiklian has today updated her statements to the ICAC , seeking to clarify the relationship between her and disgrace of a person Daryl Maguireby pleading the classic “ tucking in my shirt ” defence .
“ This is a private matter and will remain as such , ” claimed Gladys while posing for photos to use for her next front page tell all about the relationship .
“ But since you are making such a big fuss , and I am under oath again , I guess I will tell the truth this time .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ one of those things where I was tucking in my shirt for five years and people thought it was sexual somehow .
Classic mistake.
” “ So if that has cleared everything up I am gon na take a break because this ordeal has been very stressful , I hear Wagga Wagga is nice this time of year.
” In response to this revaluation , the interviewer for the ICAC said that it doesn ’ t really change the matter at all .
“ To be honest , I don ’ t quite @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the issue of why you lied under oath to an investigation into the corruption you intentionally turned a blind eye too instead of reporting.
” asked the interviewer .
“ It feels like you may be trying to distract me for some reason .
But on the other hand you ’ re in control of my pay so I ’ m going to allow it .
Case dismissed .
”

Unlucky in love Premier Gladys Berekjiklian has today updated her statements to the ICAC, seeking to clarify the relationship between her and disgrace of a person Daryl Maguireby pleading the classic “tucking in my shirt” defence.
“This is a private matter and will remain as such,” claimed Gladys while posing for photos to use for her next front page tell all about the relationship. “But since you are making such a big fuss, and I am under oath again, I guess I will tell the truth this time. Nothing inappropriate happened, it was just one of those things where I was tucking in my shirt for five years and people thought it was sexual somehow. Classic mistake.”
“So if that has cleared everything up I am gonna take a break because this ordeal has been very stressful, I hear Wagga Wagga is nice this time of year.”
In response to this revaluation, the interviewer for the ICAC said that it doesn’t really change the matter at all. “To be honest, I don’t quite get how that is possibly a defence to the issue of why you lied under oath to an investigation into the corruption you intentionally turned a blind eye too instead of reporting.” asked the interviewer. “It feels like you may be trying to distract me for some reason. But on the other hand you’re in control of my pay so I’m going to allow it. Case dismissed.”


thechaser--2020-10-23--Corrupt AusPost CEO to be punished with Liberal preselection

Christine Holgate , former chief executive of Australia Post , has been confirmed to be moving to a position more suited to her skills : Liberal parliamentarian .
Having stepped down as CEO after her executives were given $ 3,000 watches as gifts , she will join the federal government , where rorting taxpayers and accepting dodgy gifts is just part of the job description .
Frontbencher Stuart Robert , who previously lobbied Chinese officials in behalf of corporate donors and once received $ 250,000 in gold Rolexes from a Chinese businessman , has welcomed the move .
“ We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ behaviour from the CEO of a government-owned company .
You have to be elected to parliament before you can do stuff like that.
” His thoughts were echoed by Deputy PM Michael McCormack , who recently spent $ 30 million in taxpayer funds to purchase land worth $ 3 million , Senator Bridget McKenzie , who disproportionately allocated taxpayer funds to sports clubs in marginal seats , and Communications Minister Paul Fletcher , the latest minister to oversee the government ’ s purchase of billions of dollars in decaying copper wire from Telstra @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as a serving Liberal MP can be convinced to stand aside , or once they are all forced to resign ahead of the federal ICAC being established .

Christine Holgate, former chief executive of Australia Post, has been confirmed to be moving to a position more suited to her skills: Liberal parliamentarian. Having stepped down as CEO after her executives were given $3,000 watches as gifts, she will join the federal government, where rorting taxpayers and accepting dodgy gifts is just part of the job description.
Frontbencher Stuart Robert, who previously lobbied Chinese officials in behalf of corporate donors and once received $250,000 in gold Rolexes from a Chinese businessman, has welcomed the move. “We can’t be having such unethical behaviour from the CEO of a government-owned company. You have to be elected to parliament before you can do stuff like that.”
His thoughts were echoed by Deputy PM Michael McCormack, who recently spent $30 million in taxpayer funds to purchase land worth $3 million, Senator Bridget McKenzie, who disproportionately allocated taxpayer funds to sports clubs in marginal seats, and Communications Minister Paul Fletcher, the latest minister to oversee the government’s purchase of billions of dollars in decaying copper wire from Telstra.
Holgate will enter parliament as soon as a serving Liberal MP can be convinced to stand aside, or once they are all forced to resign ahead of the federal ICAC being established.


thechaser--2020-10-23--Record Uluru rainfall: Pauline Hanson unveils new water park plan

After unprecedented rainfall drenched Uluru over the weekend , One Nation Senator Pauline Hanson has today proposed turning the sacred @ @ @ @ @ park to attract more tourist .
“ I have already lined up the finest lifeguards @ @ @ @ @ offer ” she elaborated at a press conference on Tuesday .
Amusement park experts have @ @ @ @ @ of the rock-surface coupled with the length of the proposed water-slide would result in patrons @ @ @ @ @ time they reach the bottom .
“ We don ’ t see skin colour anyway @ @ @ @ @ to concerns , asserting that “ Uluru belongs to all Australians , except those it @ @ @ @ @ ’ t have a say in this.
” Channel 9 has already offered to fund @ @ @ @ @ the entire ‘ A Current Affair ’ team on standby for the moment Pauline gets @ @ @ @ @ .

After unprecedented rainfall drenched Uluru over the weekend, One Nation Senator Pauline Hanson has today proposed turning the sacred indigenous landmark into a water park to attract more tourist. “I have already lined up the finest lifeguards that Cronulla Beach has to offer” she elaborated at a press conference on Tuesday.
Amusement park experts have raised concerns that the abrasiveness of the rock-surface coupled with the length of the proposed water-slide would result in patrons being effectively skinned by the time they reach the bottom. “We don’t see skin colour anyway” the One Nation responded to concerns, asserting that “Uluru belongs to all Australians, except those it belongs to, who shouldn’t have a say in this.”
Channel 9 has already offered to fund the proposed development, with the entire ‘A Current Affair’ team on standby for the moment Pauline gets stuck halfway down the slide.


thechaser--2020-10-23--Local man overjoyed to be bored by politics again

People across the world let out a sigh of relief today , after a completely non-eventful presidential debate saw two opponents discuss their plans for running America for two hours to a largely disinterested audience .
“ I can ’ t remember a single thing they said , ” explained one half-asleep man today .
“ God it ’ s been so long since I ’ ve felt like this.
” Asked what they thought on the competing Democratic versus Republican plans to address fracking ’ s effects on emission reductions , American voters everywhere shrugged and said they had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I ’ m pretty sure Republicans are pro-emissions and Democrats are against them , but if I ’ m honest I was browsing Reddit by that point , ” explained one voter .
“ Yea look I ’ m voting Democrat anyway because , well everything , so I don ’ t really think it would have made a difference if I ’ d been paying attention.
” Republican voters however say they were very swayed by the few parts of the debate they paid attention to .
“ I especially @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fix the pandemic with a vaccine .
Very innovative that , and we all know if a vaccine was found Joe Biden wouldn ’ t use it .
Great plan by Trump there , can ’ t believe the Democrats didn ’ t think of it.
” Asked whether he would be voting for Trump again this year , former Trump voter Joe Morgan said he would likely not .
Asked why exactly , Morgan ’ s estate said he was unable to answer questions on account of having died from a hoax @ @

People across the world let out a sigh of relief today, after a completely non-eventful presidential debate saw two opponents discuss their plans for running America for two hours to a largely disinterested audience. “I can’t remember a single thing they said,” explained one half-asleep man today. “God it’s been so long since I’ve felt like this.”
Asked what they thought on the competing Democratic versus Republican plans to address fracking’s effects on emission reductions, American voters everywhere shrugged and said they had actually largely tuned out at that point. “I’m pretty sure Republicans are pro-emissions and Democrats are against them, but if I’m honest I was browsing Reddit by that point,” explained one voter. “Yea look I’m voting Democrat anyway because, well everything, so I don’t really think it would have made a difference if I’d been paying attention.”
Republican voters however say they were very swayed by the few parts of the debate they paid attention to. “I especially liked the part where Trump promised to fix the pandemic with a vaccine. Very innovative that, and we all know if a vaccine was found Joe Biden wouldn’t use it. Great plan by Trump there, can’t believe the Democrats didn’t think of it.”
Asked whether he would be voting for Trump again this year, former Trump voter Joe Morgan said he would likely not. Asked why exactly, Morgan’s estate said he was unable to answer questions on account of having died from a hoax virus.


thechaser--2020-10-26--Realistic challenge sees SAS Australia contestants lie about a war crime

Contestants on SAS Australia have faced their toughest challenge yet after being asked to cover up a war crime .
Presenter and squad leader Ant Middleton informed them that the actions of comedian Merrick Watts had caused the death of an unarmed civilian and they were all to be interviewed about it .
Despite pressure from members of a specially-appointed tribunal , the contestants stood firm .
“ Merrick had no choice , ” said retired Olympian James Magnussen .
“ It was him or the heavily armed insurgent that turned out to be a frail old man .
He @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the circumstances , then did it a few more times until we wrestled the gun off him.
” Denying that they had coordinated their responses , former Bachelorette Ali Oetjen confirmed that the elderly farmer was holding an apple that looked like an AK-47 with extended clip .
“ You weren ’ t there , ” said the 34-year-old fitness blogger .
Despite being shown video evidence indicating Watts ’ guilt the interviewees could not be swayed .
The remainder either refused to answer questions or became defiant .
“ Fuck them and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Schapelle Corby .
“ I could do the time standing on my head .
”

Contestants on SAS Australia have faced their toughest challenge yet after being asked to cover up a war crime. Presenter and squad leader Ant Middleton informed them that the actions of comedian Merrick Watts had caused the death of an unarmed civilian and they were all to be interviewed about it.
Despite pressure from members of a specially-appointed tribunal, the contestants stood firm.
“Merrick had no choice,” said retired Olympian James Magnussen. “It was him or the heavily armed insurgent that turned out to be a frail old man. He did what he had to do in the circumstances, then did it a few more times until we wrestled the gun off him.”
Denying that they had coordinated their responses, former Bachelorette Ali Oetjen confirmed that the elderly farmer was holding an apple that looked like an AK-47 with extended clip. “You weren’t there,” said the 34-year-old fitness blogger.
Despite being shown video evidence indicating Watts’ guilt the interviewees could not be swayed. The remainder either refused to answer questions or became defiant.
“Fuck them and their court martial” said convicted smuggler Schapelle Corby. “I could do the time standing on my head.”