thechaser--2020-02-10--Budget deficit solved: Angus Taylor sells newly filled Warragamba Dam to foreign investors

Federal Energy Minister and leader of the Angus Taylor fan club , Angus Taylor , has today announced a return to the government ’ s projected surplus , after the minster signed off on a deal to sell the contents of the newly re-filled Warragamba Dam to a mysterious Cayman Islands company named ‘ Angus Taylor Holdings ’ .
While some in the media have criticised the selling of Sydney ’ s entire water supply as ‘ short sighted ’ , the voting has applauded the move , with the policy being praised as a “ Great move ” on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ user Angus Taylor .
“ I ’ m glad to report that the government stands to make hundreds , if not thousands of dollars from this deal over the next ten years , ” announced Angus during question time today .
“ As you will see in this financial document I have just doctored up , there are many , many zeros on the end of the number of dollars we stand to make .
Please disregard the fact that they are clearly written comic-sans.
” Asked whether it was legal for Angus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ water supply to himself via an offshore holding company , the Australian Federal Police said they would look into it , before returning a finding that it was all perfectly legal just three seconds later .
“ We see nothing worth pursuing in this corrupt selling off of an essential public service to line an individual minister ’ s pockets , ” explained the AFP in a press statement .
“ As far as we can tell , it is a perfectly normal and very cool thing to do .
Fantastic .
Great @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Federal Energy Minister and leader of the Angus Taylor fan club, Angus Taylor, has today announced a return to the government’s projected surplus, after the minster signed off on a deal to sell the contents of the newly re-filled Warragamba Dam to a mysterious Cayman Islands company named ‘Angus Taylor Holdings’.
While some in the media have criticised the selling of Sydney’s entire water supply as ‘short sighted’, the voting has applauded the move, with the policy being praised as a “Great move” on Angus’s page by local facebook user Angus Taylor.
“I’m glad to report that the government stands to make hundreds, if not thousands of dollars from this deal over the next ten years,” announced Angus during question time today. “As you will see in this financial document I have just doctored up, there are many, many zeros on the end of the number of dollars we stand to make. Please disregard the fact that they are clearly written comic-sans.”
Asked whether it was legal for Angus Taylor to sell off Sydney’s water supply to himself via an offshore holding company, the Australian Federal Police said they would look into it, before returning a finding that it was all perfectly legal just three seconds later. “We see nothing worth pursuing in this corrupt selling off of an essential public service to line an individual minister’s pockets,” explained the AFP in a press statement. “As far as we can tell, it is a perfectly normal and very cool thing to do. Fantastic. Great move. Well done Angus.”


thechaser--2020-02-10--Morrison starting to wonder if he’s praying to the wrong God

Coal lobbyist and part-time Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today looked around at the country that has just undergone six separate natural disasters in two months and wondered if maybe he ’ s made God a bit mad .
“ The fires I could understand , after all God ’ s always been big on the burning bush gimmick , ” explained Morrison to journalists as he treaded water outside Parliament House .
“ But floods have always been a big red card when it comes to God being pissed with us .
There ’ s just something about the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fires , floods , cyclones , tornadoes and plague outbreak that makes me think my prayers might not be having the intended consequences.
” Morrison has instead decided he will try a new approach , by praying to a different god each day of the week to hedge his bets .
“ Sundays will be Catholic , because I love any excuse for a good fillet of fish burger at Maccas , ” explained Morrison .
“ Then Mondays will be Buddhist meditation day , Tuesdays I ’ ll be going Sikh , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ convert to Islam and lead the Parliament in prayers so she can get a tax write-off on her burqua , Thursday is Hindu , and Friday we will be praying to the most powerful force in the known universe , the coal lobby.
” Asked whether this plan by Morrison would be effective in preventing further climate-related disasters , God was unavailable for comment , due to not existing at the time of publication .

Coal lobbyist and part-time Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today looked around at the country that has just undergone six separate natural disasters in two months and wondered if maybe he’s made God a bit mad.
“The fires I could understand, after all God’s always been big on the burning bush gimmick,” explained Morrison to journalists as he treaded water outside Parliament House. “But floods have always been a big red card when it comes to God being pissed with us. There’s just something about the dust storms, drought, hail, fires, floods, cyclones, tornadoes and plague outbreak that makes me think my prayers might not be having the intended consequences.”
Morrison has instead decided he will try a new approach, by praying to a different god each day of the week to hedge his bets. “Sundays will be Catholic, because I love any excuse for a good fillet of fish burger at Maccas,” explained Morrison. “Then Mondays will be Buddhist meditation day, Tuesdays I’ll be going Sikh, Wednesdays Pauline Hanson has kindly offered to convert to Islam and lead the Parliament in prayers so she can get a tax write-off on her burqua, Thursday is Hindu, and Friday we will be praying to the most powerful force in the known universe, the coal lobby.”
Asked whether this plan by Morrison would be effective in preventing further climate-related disasters, God was unavailable for comment, due to not existing at the time of publication.


thechaser--2020-02-10--Liberal voter suddenly supports carbon tax now that beachfront mansion under threat

Lifetime Liberal voter and retired multi-millionaire William Ellington III has today called up his local Liberal party branch and demanded immediate action on climate change , after a large wave swept away his perfectly trimmed back yard-lawn overnight .
“ Why didn ’ t the scientists warn us this could happen !
?
” screamed a devastated Ellington as he fell to his knees and scooped up a wilted orchid , “ When it was just wiping out the barrier reef , destroying the arctic permafrost , or destroying Pacific Islanders homes I could tollerate it , but now climate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ means war.
” Asked why he was so reluctant to take action sooner , Ellington explained that he had had to make the difficult decision of weighing up the benefits of an inhabitable earth versus the dividends being paid by his oil and gas investments .
“ The reality is I needed those thousands of dollars in share payouts every year to survive , ” explained Ellington .
“ You know , life in a mansion isn ’ t easy or cheap .
Some weeks I have to even cut back on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sure I have enough money to keep the chandeliers on.
” Asked what he would like to see done about climate change , Ellington explained that he would like to see some form of carbon tax introduced .
“ Ideally we ’ d start taxing the low income earners who still don ’ t drive electric cars , ” explained Ellington .
“ Then we can progressively increase the tax up to the middle class monsters who continue to buy electricity from the grid instead of using government subsidised solar arrays like I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at those rich bastards making up to $ 50,000 a year by working two jobs to pay for a house , and thereby making it very difficult for retired millionaires like me to buy up a third or fourth investment property .
Gosh , leave some for the rest of us guys .
”

Lifetime Liberal voter and retired multi-millionaire William Ellington III has today called up his local Liberal party branch and demanded immediate action on climate change, after a large wave swept away his perfectly trimmed back yard-lawn overnight.
“Why didn’t the scientists warn us this could happen!?” screamed a devastated Ellington as he fell to his knees and scooped up a wilted orchid, “When it was just wiping out the barrier reef, destroying the arctic permafrost, or destroying Pacific Islanders homes I could tollerate it, but now climate change has gone too far. This means war.”
Asked why he was so reluctant to take action sooner, Ellington explained that he had had to make the difficult decision of weighing up the benefits of an inhabitable earth versus the dividends being paid by his oil and gas investments. “The reality is I needed those thousands of dollars in share payouts every year to survive,” explained Ellington. “You know, life in a mansion isn’t easy or cheap. Some weeks I have to even cut back on the occasional meal of lobster just to make sure I have enough money to keep the chandeliers on.”
Asked what he would like to see done about climate change, Ellington explained that he would like to see some form of carbon tax introduced. “Ideally we’d start taxing the low income earners who still don’t drive electric cars,” explained Ellington. “Then we can progressively increase the tax up to the middle class monsters who continue to buy electricity from the grid instead of using government subsidised solar arrays like I have. Eventually it should cap out at those rich bastards making up to $50,000 a year by working two jobs to pay for a house, and thereby making it very difficult for retired millionaires like me to buy up a third or fourth investment property. Gosh, leave some for the rest of us guys.”


thechaser--2020-02-11--David Warner denies sandpapering Allan Border medal shortly before win

David Warner has hit back at allegations that he tampered with the Allan Border medal shortly before he was awarded @ @ @ @ @ night of nights on Monday .
Mr Warner was seen examining the medal , and @ @ @ @ @ stuffing a small unidentified yellow object down his pants .
Mr Warner said that the @ @ @ @ @ just a baggie of cocaine that Michael Slater had slipped him on the red carpet @ @ @ @ @ accusers — am I the sort of person who would tamper with something just for @ @ @ @ @ Is that really in my character ?
” Nevertheless , Mr Warner said that he @ @ @ @ @ in the coming days , just in case investigators uncover any further evidence .

David Warner has hit back at allegations that he tampered with the Allan Border medal shortly before he was awarded it at cricketing’s night of nights on Monday.
Mr Warner was seen examining the medal, and then was caught on camera stuffing a small unidentified yellow object down his pants.
Mr Warner said that the object in his pants was just a baggie of cocaine that Michael Slater had slipped him on the red carpet.
“I ask my accusers — am I the sort of person who would tamper with something just for the sake of winning? Is that really in my character?”
Nevertheless, Mr Warner said that he would practice his crying technique in the coming days, just in case investigators uncover any further evidence.


thechaser--2020-02-12--MPs flee as Keith Pitt brings lump of uranium into parliament

Australia ’ s new energy minister , Keith Pitt , has brought a lump of uranium into parliament in an attempt to mimic Scott Morrison ’ s “ lump of coal ” stunt .
“ Don ’ t be afraid , ” said Mr Pitt , “ Don ’ t be scared .
It ’ s just a lump of highly radioactive uranium.
” But MPs didn ’ t heed Mr Pitt ’ s appeal .
Panicked MPs from both sides of parliament fled the chamber as Mr Pitt joyfully threw it up and down .
Mr Pitt went on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Australia , as long as they ’ re not in his electorate .
Speaking to an empty parliament , Mr Pitt said he was looking forward to Australia having a nuclear-fuelled energy economy , but he was most looking forward to be able to walk into any job he likes in the nuclear industry the moment he leaves parliament .
Earlier , at a media conference , Mr Pitt was asked whether he was worried about nuclear accidents .
But Mr Pitt said it wouldn ’ t a problem because it wouldn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Nuclear power provides us with a talking point about how the government is getting serious about carbon emissions , providing perfect cover for the coal industry for decades to come .
It ’ s the perfect solution for Australia — as long as none of the reactors are built in my electorate.
” Challenged about the fact that nuclear power takes decades to develop , Mr Pitt said it wasn ’ t a problem .
“ That ’ s actually one of the advantages with nuclear !
I can put Australia @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by the time all the headaches of implementation arise , I ’ ll have quit politics and be smoking stogies in a corporate boardroom somewhere .
Plus – the reactor won ’ t be in my electorate , so I ’ ll be safe.
” Mr Pitt collapsed shortly after addressing parliament , and is currently in isolation at Canberra Hospital .

Australia’s new energy minister, Keith Pitt, has brought a lump of uranium into parliament in an attempt to mimic Scott Morrison’s “lump of coal” stunt. “Don’t be afraid,” said Mr Pitt, “Don’t be scared. It’s just a lump of highly radioactive uranium.”
But MPs didn’t heed Mr Pitt’s appeal. Panicked MPs from both sides of parliament fled the chamber as Mr Pitt joyfully threw it up and down.
Mr Pitt went on to commit to building nuclear reactors in Australia, as long as they’re not in his electorate.
Speaking to an empty parliament, Mr Pitt said he was looking forward to Australia having a nuclear-fuelled energy economy, but he was most looking forward to be able to walk into any job he likes in the nuclear industry the moment he leaves parliament.
Earlier, at a media conference, Mr Pitt was asked whether he was worried about nuclear accidents. But Mr Pitt said it wouldn’t a problem because it wouldn’t be happening in his electorate anyway.
“Nuclear power provides us with a talking point about how the government is getting serious about carbon emissions, providing perfect cover for the coal industry for decades to come. It’s the perfect solution for Australia — as long as none of the reactors are built in my electorate.”
Challenged about the fact that nuclear power takes decades to develop, Mr Pitt said it wasn’t a problem. “That’s actually one of the advantages with nuclear! I can put Australia on a track towards nuclear power and by the time all the headaches of implementation arise, I’ll have quit politics and be smoking stogies in a corporate boardroom somewhere. Plus – the reactor won’t be in my electorate, so I’ll be safe.”
Mr Pitt collapsed shortly after addressing parliament, and is currently in isolation at Canberra Hospital.


thechaser--2020-02-13--Exclusive: Union victim George Calombaris recalls the horrific tale of paying his employees

Former Masterchef Judge and amateur boxer George Calombaris has this week unfortunately become yet another victim of the relentless Unions in their unfair campaign to destroy Australian businesses .
The chef has been making headlines due to his previously successful restaurant empire being forced to shut down , after he was shaken down for $ 8 million by these so called ‘ Unions ’ and their unreasonable demands that staff be ‘ paid for their labour ’ .
Here is what he had to say to our reporter earlier today .
“ It just isn ’ t right , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ running fine , everything was perfect until the union got in the way .
I just don ’ t get it , why were they so hell bent on ruining my successful business strategy .
What , so just cause my employees want to be paid the amount we said we would , we have to ?
What about our wants ?
” “ I remember at the time the media would go on and on about this ‘ wage theft ’ thing , ” he continued , “ at first I was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ did .
But then I learned that they were somehow referring the me as the thief , not the greedy employees and their union thugs .
I am the victim here not them !
Where do you think the $ 8 million payout had to come from ?
Me and my business !
” “ The worst part is the government punishment alone was bad enough , ” claims Calombaris as he begins to tear up .
“ I mean $ 200,000 , that ’ s almost as much as the prize for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ than that after a month of judging the show , but no that was apparently not good enough for these union mobsters .
They wanted me to actually pay the employees the ‘ proper ’ amount .
It was horrifying… I felt sick .
If my employees wanted more money , why not get a job on TV ?
It ’ s easy work and you get paid more in a fortnight than the regular person will see in a year .
Working for such a distinguished and famous chef as me should @ @ @ @ @ @ @ seemingly mortified from reliving the events , Calombaris was too distraught to continue .
However , we have since received word he does plan to bounce back with a new business plan and has already began the process of setting up a sports club in a marginal LNP seat .

Former Masterchef Judge and amateur boxer George Calombaris has this week unfortunately become yet another victim of the relentless Unions in their unfair campaign to destroy Australian businesses. The chef has been making headlines due to his previously successful restaurant empire being forced to shut down, after he was shaken down for $8 million by these so called ‘Unions’ and their unreasonable demands that staff be ‘paid for their labour’. Here is what he had to say to our reporter earlier today.
“It just isn’t right,” Calombaris stated. “The business was running fine, everything was perfect until the union got in the way. I just don’t get it, why were they so hell bent on ruining my successful business strategy. What, so just cause my employees want to be paid the amount we said we would, we have to? What about our wants?”
“I remember at the time the media would go on and on about this ‘wage theft’ thing,” he continued, “at first I was happy and willing to apologise so I did. But then I learned that they were somehow referring the me as the thief, not the greedy employees and their union thugs. I am the victim here not them! Where do you think the $8 million payout had to come from? Me and my business!”
“The worst part is the government punishment alone was bad enough,” claims Calombaris as he begins to tear up. “I mean $200,000, that’s almost as much as the prize for winning Masterchef. I barely earn more than that after a month of judging the show, but no that was apparently not good enough for these union mobsters. They wanted me to actually pay the employees the ‘proper’ amount. It was horrifying… I felt sick. If my employees wanted more money, why not get a job on TV? It’s easy work and you get paid more in a fortnight than the regular person will see in a year. Working for such a distinguished and famous chef as me should be payment enough.”
After this point seemingly mortified from reliving the events, Calombaris was too distraught to continue. However, we have since received word he does plan to bounce back with a new business plan and has already began the process of setting up a sports club in a marginal LNP seat.


thechaser--2020-02-13--Coalition MP doesn’t see any irony that the best way to spread anti-ABC message is by getting on the

Queensland LNP Senator James McGrath attacked the ABC last night , saying many people “ no longer see it as a national broadcaster , ” and that he hoped the ABC News would pick up the story and run it on their national television and radio channels , local radio stations , websites , digital audio downloads and apps , as well as on iView .
“ The ABC has lost its audience , and the best way to get that message out there is to get a good run on the ABC , because it ’ s got the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ any trace of irony .
Senator McGrath ’ s outburst comes as ratings company Nielson released figures showing that ABC websites are now the most visited news outlets on the web , although critics say that figure is inflated by the number of four-year-olds logging on to their parent ’ s phone and searching for “ news about Bluey ” .
Senator McGrath said that if the ABC didn ’ t run his attack on the ABC , it showed that the ABC had lost the trust of the community .
“ People @ @ @ @ @ @ @ information , and I demand that they run this message , because if it ’ s coming from the ABC then people will trust it , ” he said , without the slightest trace that he sensed any irony .
Meanwhile , Labor “ Opposition ” Leader Anthony Albanese has said he is awaiting polling from Central Queensland before he makes a statement on whether he ’ s for or against the ABC .

Coalition MP doesn’t see any irony that the best way to spread anti-ABC message is by getting on the ABC
Queensland LNP Senator James McGrath attacked the ABC last night, saying many people “no longer see it as a national broadcaster,” and that he hoped the ABC News would pick up the story and run it on their national television and radio channels, local radio stations, websites, digital audio downloads and apps, as well as on iView.
“The ABC has lost its audience, and the best way to get that message out there is to get a good run on the ABC, because it’s got the biggest audience,” he said without any trace of irony.
Senator McGrath’s outburst comes as ratings company Nielson released figures showing that ABC websites are now the most visited news outlets on the web, although critics say that figure is inflated by the number of four-year-olds logging on to their parent’s phone and searching for “news about Bluey”.
Senator McGrath said that if the ABC didn’t run his attack on the ABC, it showed that the ABC had lost the trust of the community.
“People no longer trust the ABC for their information, and I demand that they run this message, because if it’s coming from the ABC then people will trust it,” he said, without the slightest trace that he sensed any irony.
Meanwhile, Labor “Opposition” Leader Anthony Albanese has said he is awaiting polling from Central Queensland before he makes a statement on whether he’s for or against the ABC.


thechaser--2020-02-14--Scott Morrison offers Auditor General free pool to drop investigation

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today offered the Auditor General Grant Hehir a free pool with a side of womens toilet upgrades if he agrees to stop telling people that the Prime Minister was involved with handing out illegal grants in order to pork barrel electorates .
“ This is a great day for the Auditor ’ s Office , ” announced Morrison on ABC ’ s 7:30 today .
“ No longer will the Auditor ’ s secretary be forced to change behind a tree or a car when she goes to use their brand new state of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a waterslide.
” However , this attempt to bribe the Auditor General has already backfired , with the Auditor General ’ s office immediately opening a new investigation into the bribery attempt .
Experts say that if proven , this attempt to bribe a government official could result in the Morrison Government being handed the harshest possible punishment – a firm speaking to and a request not to do it again .
Correction : Large portions of this story alleging government corruption were incorrect .
We now retract this entire story and thank @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today offered the Auditor General Grant Hehir a free pool with a side of womens toilet upgrades if he agrees to stop telling people that the Prime Minister was involved with handing out illegal grants in order to pork barrel electorates.
“This is a great day for the Auditor’s Office,” announced Morrison on ABC’s 7:30 today. “No longer will the Auditor’s secretary be forced to change behind a tree or a car when she goes to use their brand new state of the art swimming pool with heated Jacuzzis and a waterslide.”
However, this attempt to bribe the Auditor General has already backfired, with the Auditor General’s office immediately opening a new investigation into the bribery attempt. Experts say that if proven, this attempt to bribe a government official could result in the Morrison Government being handed the harshest possible punishment – a firm speaking to and a request not to do it again.
Correction: Large portions of this story alleging government corruption were incorrect. We now retract this entire story and thank the Morrison government for the new pool.


thechaser--2020-02-15--Jetstar customers notice no difference to service as staff strike

Jetstar staff are currently in the midst of a 24 hour strike as they protest against stagnant wage growth and poor work conditions .
Head of the Jetstar Workers ’ Union Max Break released a statement this afternoon : “ All we are asking for is to be treated with respect .
We don ’ t expect it to be as much as if we worked for Qantas but it needs to at least be more than those savages at Tiger ” .
Passengers queuing for flights with the budget airline however say they haven ’ t noticed any difference @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the scheduled walkout commenced earlier today .
Our reporters caught up with one of the tight-arses , Miles High , at Sydney Airport : “ I ’ ve been waiting here for 36 hours and there ’ s been no communication whatsoever , so I just assumed it was business as usual !
” .
Despite not paying for baggage Mr High was ironically surrounded by luggage .
He continued : “ No wonder there ’ s nobody here to collect and snoop through my three bags and surfboard !
I guess I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all into the overhead compartment before taking off my shoes and reclining the seat.
” Jetstar has apologised for the inconvenience and announced that although it will not be issuing refunds to affected passengers , they will be given priority for buying the same tickets for a different day at inflated prices .

Jetstar staff are currently in the midst of a 24 hour strike as they protest against stagnant wage growth and poor work conditions. Head of the Jetstar Workers’ Union Max Break released a statement this afternoon: “All we are asking for is to be treated with respect. We don’t expect it to be as much as if we worked for Qantas but it needs to at least be more than those savages at Tiger”.
Passengers queuing for flights with the budget airline however say they haven’t noticed any difference in the carrier’s service since the scheduled walkout commenced earlier today. Our reporters caught up with one of the tight-arses, Miles High, at Sydney Airport: “I’ve been waiting here for 36 hours and there’s been no communication whatsoever, so I just assumed it was business as usual!”.
Despite not paying for baggage Mr High was ironically surrounded by luggage. He continued: “No wonder there’s nobody here to collect and snoop through my three bags and surfboard! I guess I’ll just have to cram it all into the overhead compartment before taking off my shoes and reclining the seat.”
Jetstar has apologised for the inconvenience and announced that although it will not be issuing refunds to affected passengers, they will be given priority for buying the same tickets for a different day at inflated prices.


thechaser--2020-02-17--Nation left dangerously low on climate experts after Holden shuts shop

The United Nations Panel on Climate Change has convened an emergency meeting tonight , following news that every single leading climate scientist will be wiped out by 2021 , following the closure of Holden car manufacturing in Australia .
“ These cars have always been a vocal and outspoken advocate on social media for the anti-climate-change lobby , ” said one concerned UN representative today , “ without Holden Commodores telling us what to think , there ’ s going to be a lot of pressure on the Eureka Flag symposium to continue their hard work and 5 minutes research @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is not lost , with the nation ’ s men-posing-on-dirtbikes pledging to increase their quota of anti-everything-the-ABC-says Facebook posting to make up for the lack of Commodores .
“ Yea , look I just figured it was important I step up and do my bit , ” said one man-wearing-a-bike-helmet on the comment section of an ABC post .
“ It was a shame to replace my last profile of of my dog with a “ I ’ m standing with Scott ” filter over it , but sometimes you have to make @ @ @ @ @ @ @

The United Nations Panel on Climate Change has convened an emergency meeting tonight, following news that every single leading climate scientist will be wiped out by 2021, following the closure of Holden car manufacturing in Australia.
“These cars have always been a vocal and outspoken advocate on social media for the anti-climate-change lobby,” said one concerned UN representative today, “without Holden Commodores telling us what to think, there’s going to be a lot of pressure on the Eureka Flag symposium to continue their hard work and 5 minutes research on the topic.”
However, all is not lost, with the nation’s men-posing-on-dirtbikes pledging to increase their quota of anti-everything-the-ABC-says Facebook posting to make up for the lack of Commodores. “Yea, look I just figured it was important I step up and do my bit,” said one man-wearing-a-bike-helmet on the comment section of an ABC post. “It was a shame to replace my last profile of of my dog with a “I’m standing with Scott” filter over it, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the greater good.”


thechaser--2020-02-17--“People can’t expect to mouth off and then keep their job!” says man who defended Israel Folau

Newcastle man Darren Marlboro has today launched a scathing attack on former fire volunteer Paul Parker following his removal from the RFS , stating the firefighter should have known that he would face consequences for saying the exact same thing everybody else in the nation was saying at the time .
Taking to Facebook after seeing Channel 10 ’ s The Project question whether the dismissal was warranted , Marlboro said that it was the only outcome that he should have expected .
“ He bloody got up there , and thought he could just say disparaging things about a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the country ?
” asked Windale .
“ I saw The Project try to spin him as a hero , you can ’ t just say hurtful things about the leader of a democratic country and expect no consequences , even if you are a volunteer !
” Marlboro , whose profile picture featured a car with a Ned Kelly sticker , was also very vocal about Israel Folau ’ s return to Rugby League following his signing with French Super League club Catalans Dragons .
“ In better news , it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not back down to the big wigs in charge and say what we ’ re all thinking .
People have too thin skin these days , ” continued Windale .
“ I mean , I don ’ t necessarily agree with Folau , but I don ’ t know where in that contract it said you ’ re not allowed to get paid millions to attack vulnerable communities .
Oh wait , here it is on page five .
But my point still stands .
”

“People can’t expect to mouth off and then keep their job!” says man who defended Israel Folau
Newcastle man Darren Marlboro has today launched a scathing attack on former fire volunteer Paul Parker following his removal from the RFS, stating the firefighter should have known that he would face consequences for saying the exact same thing everybody else in the nation was saying at the time. Taking to Facebook after seeing Channel 10’s The Project question whether the dismissal was warranted, Marlboro said that it was the only outcome that he should have expected.
“He bloody got up there, and thought he could just say disparaging things about a man who occupies the most powerful job in the country?” asked Windale.
“I saw The Project try to spin him as a hero, you can’t just say hurtful things about the leader of a democratic country and expect no consequences, even if you are a volunteer!”
Marlboro, whose profile picture featured a car with a Ned Kelly sticker, was also very vocal about Israel Folau’s return to Rugby League following his signing with French Super League club Catalans Dragons.
“In better news, it’s good to see a hero not back down to the big wigs in charge and say what we’re all thinking. People have too thin skin these days,” continued Windale. “I mean, I don’t necessarily agree with Folau, but I don’t know where in that contract it said you’re not allowed to get paid millions to attack vulnerable communities. Oh wait, here it is on page five. But my point still stands.”


thechaser--2020-02-17--Holden: A tale of under-warranty car repairs

These new cars coming off the line at the Fishermen ’ s Bend plant are just moments away from their first warranty claim .
In honour of Holden ’ s announcement that it would shutting down in Australia , here is a nostalgic look at the history of this never-great Australian company .
1948 was a significant year in Australia ’ s history for many reasons .
It was the year that Australia became a founding signatory to the Universal Declaration for Human Rights .
More importantly , it was the year the first car was manufactured in Australia , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ car repairs that would last half a century , until the arrival of Japanese-made cars in Australia .
Going by the catchy title 48/215 , the car quickly came to be known as the ‘ Holden ’ , or ‘ bloody Holden ’ , depending on who you supported in the Bathurst 1000 .
The Holden company started in 1851 as a saddlery , but following the invention of the car , quickly transformed into a lobbying company with the mission of extracting as much money from the Australian taxpayer for the least @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was a technological marvel for many reasons .
Its Victorian precision engineering factory pioneered the production of doors that slightly misaligned with the main chassis – a mainstay of all Australian cars for the next 50 years .
It is also credited with developing an especially weak form of rubber sealing that had just enough adhesive force to stay in place until the day after the new owner had taken delivery of it .
By the 1980s , faced with the reduction of tariffs and the introduction of Japanese cars which didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Holden arrived at a daring new strategy for becoming actually competent at manufacturing cars – a skill which required retooling all their factories at the expense of the taxpayer .
Its crowning achievement was the mid-sized Holden Camira in 1982 , which perfectly mismatched the power of the engine to the chassis size , to maximise the strain on the state-of-the-art drivetrain , reducing the life-cycle of the car to within minutes of the warranty period ( 12 months ) .
The Camira featured a litany of pioneering quality control problems , which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the doors , poor paint quality and lack of adequate fan cooling , resulting in overheating in JB Camiras fitted with air conditioning .
While New Zealand ’ s government eschewed this innovative approach , and forced Holden to withdraw the car from sale , plucky Australian regulators showed the digger-spirit of Gallipoli , and allowed the ground-breaking death-trap to continue being sold to consumers until 1989 .
In 2013 , then Treasurer Joe Hockey announced that the Australian car industry would no longer be eligible for government subsidies .
This caused @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hundreds of workers directly in the manufacture of automobiles , and many tens of thousands more in their repair .
It also led to suggestions that Joe Hockey didn ’ t understand the point of the car industry , which was to seek government subsidies .
But with the removal of roughly $ 1 billion support , it quickly became apparent that there was no point in carrying on with the farce , and Holden decided to specialise in the manufacture of car advertisements that make Korean-made cars feel Australian .
They excelled @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in manufacturing , and gave up on everything in early 2020 .
The last Holden car made in Australia rolled off the production line in late 2017 , and broke down shortly after that .

In honour of Holden’s announcement that it would shutting down in Australia, here is a nostalgic look at the history of this never-great Australian company.
1948 was a significant year in Australia’s history for many reasons. It was the year that Australia became a founding signatory to the Universal Declaration for Human Rights. More importantly, it was the year the first car was manufactured in Australia, spawning an entire industry based around under-warranty car repairs that would last half a century, until the arrival of Japanese-made cars in Australia.
Going by the catchy title 48/215, the car quickly came to be known as the ‘Holden’, or ‘bloody Holden’, depending on who you supported in the Bathurst 1000.
The Holden company started in 1851 as a saddlery, but following the invention of the car, quickly transformed into a lobbying company with the mission of extracting as much money from the Australian taxpayer for the least amount of competence.
The 48/215 car was a technological marvel for many reasons. Its Victorian precision engineering factory pioneered the production of doors that slightly misaligned with the main chassis – a mainstay of all Australian cars for the next 50 years. It is also credited with developing an especially weak form of rubber sealing that had just enough adhesive force to stay in place until the day after the new owner had taken delivery of it.
By the 1980s, faced with the reduction of tariffs and the introduction of Japanese cars which didn’t break down every 8000 kilometres, Holden arrived at a daring new strategy for becoming actually competent at manufacturing cars – a skill which required retooling all their factories at the expense of the taxpayer.
Its crowning achievement was the mid-sized Holden Camira in 1982, which perfectly mismatched the power of the engine to the chassis size, to maximise the strain on the state-of-the-art drivetrain, reducing the life-cycle of the car to within minutes of the warranty period (12 months).
The Camira featured a litany of pioneering quality control problems, which included smoking engines, insufficient drainage holes in the doors, poor paint quality and lack of adequate fan cooling, resulting in overheating in JB Camiras fitted with air conditioning.
While New Zealand’s government eschewed this innovative approach, and forced Holden to withdraw the car from sale, plucky Australian regulators showed the digger-spirit of Gallipoli, and allowed the ground-breaking death-trap to continue being sold to consumers until 1989.
In 2013, then Treasurer Joe Hockey announced that the Australian car industry would no longer be eligible for government subsidies. This caused much controversy. The car industry employs hundreds of workers directly in the manufacture of automobiles, and many tens of thousands more in their repair.
It also led to suggestions that Joe Hockey didn’t understand the point of the car industry, which was to seek government subsidies. But with the removal of roughly $1 billion support, it quickly became apparent that there was no point in carrying on with the farce, and Holden decided to specialise in the manufacture of car advertisements that make Korean-made cars feel Australian. They excelled as well at marketing as they did in manufacturing, and gave up on everything in early 2020.
The last Holden car made in Australia rolled off the production line in late 2017, and broke down shortly after that.


thechaser--2020-02-18--Coles debuts new “Down Down Wages Are Down” tv advert

Coles corporation has today rushed out a new advertising campaign , highlighting the low , low prices of staff at @ @ @ @ @ Every staff member ’ s wages are slashed !
” announced a bouncy member of @ @ @ @ @ smile while carrying a giant oversized hand , “ Down down , wages are down @ @ @ @ @ to be outdone , the Woolworths corporation have hit back at Coles with their own @ @ @ @ @ George Calombaris , espousing the benefits of underpaying staff .
“ There ’ s nothing @ @ @ @ @ good money saver , ” says Calombaris .
“ That ’ s why I always @ @ @ @ @ bookkeeper to find at least 20 % savings on everything I pay for , from @ @ @ @ @ to staff members .
”

Coles corporation has today rushed out a new advertising campaign, highlighting the low, low prices of staff at their local stores.
“Every staff member’s wages are slashed!” announced a bouncy member of Aunty Donna through a pained smile while carrying a giant oversized hand, “Down down, wages are down!”
However, not to be outdone, the Woolworths corporation have hit back at Coles with their own campaign, featuring celebrity chef George Calombaris, espousing the benefits of underpaying staff. “There’s nothing I like more than a good money saver,” says Calombaris. “That’s why I always make sure I ask my bookkeeper to find at least 20% savings on everything I pay for, from ingredients, to utensils, to staff members.”


thechaser--2020-02-18--George Calombaris teams up with Coles to launch new line of cooked books

Celebrity chef and convicted wage thief George Calombaris has today launched a new series of instructional manuals , informing others @ @ @ @ @ he ’ s discovered for cooking books .
“ With a dash of red marker @ @ @ @ @ creativity , ” glowed Calombaris , “ you can be enjoying a delightfully light yet @ @ @ @ @ time.
” Calombaris has also thanked his new partner Coles for their support in providing @ @ @ @ @ to his new book cooking methods .
“ Your local Coles is a great place @ @ @ @ @ of low prices on greens , meats , and staff , ” explained Calombaris , @ @ @ @ @ ’ re having trouble underpaying any of your kitchen hands , be sure to ask @ @ @ @ @ and they ’ ll be happy to pass on some tips .
”

Celebrity chef and convicted wage thief George Calombaris has today launched a new series of instructional manuals, informing others about the many great methods he’s discovered for cooking books.
“With a dash of red marker, and a pinch of creativity,” glowed Calombaris, “you can be enjoying a delightfully light yet scummy salary shortening in no time.”
Calombaris has also thanked his new partner Coles for their support in providing many of the essential ingredients to his new book cooking methods. “Your local Coles is a great place to look for a range of low prices on greens, meats, and staff,” explained Calombaris, “In fact if you’re having trouble underpaying any of your kitchen hands, be sure to ask anyone in Coles management, and they’ll be happy to pass on some tips.”


thechaser--2020-02-18--Scott Morrison offers Germany a new swimming pool if they keep their coal plants open

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today pledged $ 50 billion in Federal Sports grants to help prop up Germany ’ s scrapped coal-fired power plants , stating that it was crucial to Australia ’ s interests that the coal plants stay open , lest it make the Australian government look like a bunch of idiots who don ’ t know what they ’ re talking about .
“ It ’ s imperative for Germany ’ s power needs and economy that these coal plants stay open , ” said Scott Morrison today while unveiling a new pool in Brussels @ @ @ @ @ @ @ imagine what it would do to their economy if they relied on a diverse set of modern industries instead of continually propping up a dying resource sector based on an energy source that is slowly destroying the earth ?
It would be chaos.
” “ Not to mention the effect it would have on Australia ’ s economy , ” he continued .
“ If a country with four times the population of Australia and three times the GDP is allowed to source all its energy from renewable sources suddenly voters might realise @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lies about the dangers of renewable power , and if that happens I don ’ t even want to think what kind of chaos might ensue .
God , we might lose up to ten voters !
” Asked how he would find the money to prop up Germany ’ s entire coal sector , while keeping a budget surplus , Morrison said that he would simply re-shuffle a few sports grants , and scrap centrelink .
“ By propping up Germany ’ s power plants , there will be no need for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Given the three jobs it will create for Autralians , I think we can all agree that the money is much better spent bailing out a handful of billionaires .
”

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today pledged $50 billion in Federal Sports grants to help prop up Germany’s scrapped coal-fired power plants, stating that it was crucial to Australia’s interests that the coal plants stay open, lest it make the Australian government look like a bunch of idiots who don’t know what they’re talking about.
“It’s imperative for Germany’s power needs and economy that these coal plants stay open,” said Scott Morrison today while unveiling a new pool in Brussels. “I mean, can you imagine what it would do to their economy if they relied on a diverse set of modern industries instead of continually propping up a dying resource sector based on an energy source that is slowly destroying the earth? It would be chaos.”
“Not to mention the effect it would have on Australia’s economy,” he continued. “If a country with four times the population of Australia and three times the GDP is allowed to source all its energy from renewable sources suddenly voters might realise that the Coalition has been feeding them lies about the dangers of renewable power, and if that happens I don’t even want to think what kind of chaos might ensue. God, we might lose up to ten voters!”
Asked how he would find the money to prop up Germany’s entire coal sector, while keeping a budget surplus, Morrison said that he would simply re-shuffle a few sports grants, and scrap centrelink. “By propping up Germany’s power plants, there will be no need for Centrelink,” explained Morrison, “Given the three jobs it will create for Autralians, I think we can all agree that the money is much better spent bailing out a handful of billionaires.”


thechaser--2020-02-20--Samsung developer successfully finds his, and everyone elses, mobile

A Samsung developer has successfully given himself , and everyone else on the globe , a heart attack today , @ @ @ @ @ on the planet was simultaneously sent a FindMyMobile notification .
“ Jesus fucking christ !
@ @ @ @ @ shouting in unison , “ I ’ m being tracked.
” Hospitals have also reportedly @ @ @ @ @ looking people , all suffering heart attacks following the push notification .
“ Jesus I @ @ @ @ @ the bedroom with my … friend Jess , ” said one dodgy looking man , @ @ @ @ @ sudden I got this tracking notification .
I thought my wife was about to burst @ @ @ @ @ is even worse than the time I told her I wanted a divorce after the @ @ @ @ @ year .
That one really took a lot of patching up .
”

A Samsung developer has successfully given himself, and everyone else on the globe, a heart attack today, after every single Galaxy owner on the planet was simultaneously sent a FindMyMobile notification.
“Jesus fucking christ!” the world was heard shouting in unison, “I’m being tracked.”
Hospitals have also reportedly been flooded by various shifty looking people, all suffering heart attacks following the push notification. “Jesus I was just hanging out in the bedroom with my … friend Jess,” said one dodgy looking man, “when all of a sudden I got this tracking notification. I thought my wife was about to burst in the door! This is even worse than the time I told her I wanted a divorce after the fake nuclear attack warning last year. That one really took a lot of patching up.”


thechaser--2020-02-20--Cleaners at St Kevins fired for sweeping everything under carpet

All cleaners at St Kevin ’ s College have been fired effective immediately today , following a new shocking revelation today that they have just been sweeping everything under the carpet for years .
The decision is the new Principal John Crowley ’ s first order of business , with the Headmaster saying he simply had no choice after breaking his ankle while trying to enter the school ’ s office for the first time this morning .
Speaking from outside Toorak X-Ray clinic , the Crowley said that they had no choice given the school ’ s new zero-tollerance @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ There are bulges everywhere , the place is an absolute mess !
” Crowley explained while waving his crutches in anger .
“ We ’ ll definitely need to refurbish the entire school and increase tuition fees to pass the cost onto parents.
” One of the cleaners , Ken Sweep , has hit back at the claims of inappropriate behaviour , stating that the sackings are unfair and his team were simply acting as instructed .
“ We ’ ve worked in churches for years without any problems , all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Diocese of Melbourne .
It ’ s actually the reason we got the gig here !
” he explained .
“ Ah well , no harm done , guess we ’ ll just move on to the next Catholic institution .
Shouldn ’ t be difficult either , the Principal has very kindly offered us all a character reference , stating how great we all are at cleaning.
” Broadcaster Andrew Bolt could not be reached for comment on this piece , due to a prior surgical appointment to get his foot removed @ @ @

All cleaners at St Kevin’s College have been fired effective immediately today, following a new shocking revelation today that they have just been sweeping everything under the carpet for years. The decision is the new Principal John Crowley’s first order of business, with the Headmaster saying he simply had no choice after breaking his ankle while trying to enter the school’s office for the first time this morning.
Speaking from outside Toorak X-Ray clinic, the Crowley said that they had no choice given the school’s new zero-tollerance approach to sweeping things under the rug. “There are bulges everywhere, the place is an absolute mess!” Crowley explained while waving his crutches in anger. “We’ll definitely need to refurbish the entire school and increase tuition fees to pass the cost onto parents.”
One of the cleaners, Ken Sweep, has hit back at the claims of inappropriate behaviour, stating that the sackings are unfair and his team were simply acting as instructed. “We’ve worked in churches for years without any problems, all the way from Ballarat to the Arch Diocese of Melbourne. It’s actually the reason we got the gig here!” he explained. “Ah well, no harm done, guess we’ll just move on to the next Catholic institution. Shouldn’t be difficult either, the Principal has very kindly offered us all a character reference, stating how great we all are at cleaning.”
Broadcaster Andrew Bolt could not be reached for comment on this piece, due to a prior surgical appointment to get his foot removed from his mouth


thechaser--2020-02-24--Harvey Weinstein hoping for last minute exoneration by Andrew Bolt

Harvey Weinstein was found guilty of sexual assault and rape by a New York court on Monday .
However , the disgraced movie producer has said he has not lost hope on Andrew Bolt declaring him innocent .
“ I ’ m really hoping that Andrew Bolt comes out and writes a strident opinion piece clearing me of all charges .
Based on his previous form , I reckon it ’ s odds-on he will.
” “ If George Pell is ‘ an innocent man ’ , then I am too !
” Mr Weinstein told his legal team as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cell after the trial .
Mr Weinstein said that while being judged guilty was bad , the real judgement was what Andrew Bolt reckoned probably happened .
Asked whether Weinstein was concerned that Bolt hadn ’ t actually been at the trial , and therefore was not across the evidence against him , the disgraced producer shrugged .
“ Bolt wasn ’ t at Pell ’ s trial either , but that ’ s why he ’ s able to make a judgement .
He ’ s not prejudiced by the evidence.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ horror Bettina Arndt ’ s hot-take on the Weinstein conviction .

Harvey Weinstein was found guilty of sexual assault and rape by a New York court on Monday. However, the disgraced movie producer has said he has not lost hope on Andrew Bolt declaring him innocent.
“I’m really hoping that Andrew Bolt comes out and writes a strident opinion piece clearing me of all charges. Based on his previous form, I reckon it’s odds-on he will.”
“If George Pell is ‘an innocent man’, then I am too!” Mr Weinstein told his legal team as he was led away to his jail cell after the trial.
Mr Weinstein said that while being judged guilty was bad, the real judgement was what Andrew Bolt reckoned probably happened.
Asked whether Weinstein was concerned that Bolt hadn’t actually been at the trial, and therefore was not across the evidence against him, the disgraced producer shrugged. “Bolt wasn’t at Pell’s trial either, but that’s why he’s able to make a judgement. He’s not prejudiced by the evidence.”
Meanwhile, the world is awaiting with horror Bettina Arndt’s hot-take on the Weinstein conviction.


thechaser--2020-02-27--ABC moves to Cayman Islands to attract more government funding

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation has historically been owned and operated within Australia ( hence the name ) .
However due to budgetary restrictions and the threat of privatisation looming , the network has announced plans to move to the Cayman Islands in a bid to entice more funding from the Federal Government , in a move that was inspired by the water company co-founded by Energy Minister and ‘ not at all shady bloke ’ Angus Taylor .
“ It was the clear choice , ” explained a spokesperson for the broadcaster .
“ We knew we needed money and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ doing things for decades isn ’ t enough for this government .
The government loves to work with their mates , and where do you find these mates ?
Tax havens .
At this point in time we have no plans of tax avoidance but if that ’ s what it will take for this government to like us , we will reassess this policy.
” “ We have always found Angus Taylor inspiring , ” they added .
“ We wanted to follow in his footsteps in any way we can .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ from using allegedly forged documents and unlike Big Angus T , the AFP would probably investigate us if allegations were to arise .
We have had enough issues with them lately.
” “ When we saw the recent news that the government is giving the EAA even more money we knew we had made the right call .
If they gave them more money just imagine how much funding we would get , especially since we will actually deliver the product the nation requires and do so in a timely and cost-effective manner.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Taylor has expressed some concerns , “ The government should not be working with groups set up in tax havens that aren ’ t associated to me and my Oxford rowing buddies , ” he complained .
“ If they keep this up people are going to start losing trust in government institutions .
Now if you ’ ll excuse me , I have a secret Cayman Islands company I have to transfer $ 10 million to .
”

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation has historically been owned and operated within Australia (hence the name). However due to budgetary restrictions and the threat of privatisation looming, the network has announced plans to move to the Cayman Islands in a bid to entice more funding from the Federal Government, in a move that was inspired by the water company co-founded by Energy Minister and ‘not at all shady bloke’ Angus Taylor.
“It was the clear choice,” explained a spokesperson for the broadcaster. “We knew we needed money and we knew the way we have been doing things for decades isn’t enough for this government. The government loves to work with their mates, and where do you find these mates? Tax havens. At this point in time we have no plans of tax avoidance but if that’s what it will take for this government to like us, we will reassess this policy.”
“We have always found Angus Taylor inspiring,” they added. “We wanted to follow in his footsteps in any way we can. Sadly, our journalistic integrity bars us from using allegedly forged documents and unlike Big Angus T, the AFP would probably investigate us if allegations were to arise. We have had enough issues with them lately.”
“When we saw the recent news that the government is giving the EAA even more money we knew we had made the right call. If they gave them more money just imagine how much funding we would get, especially since we will actually deliver the product the nation requires and do so in a timely and cost-effective manner.”
In response to this announcement Angus Taylor has expressed some concerns, “The government should not be working with groups set up in tax havens that aren’t associated to me and my Oxford rowing buddies,” he complained. “If they keep this up people are going to start losing trust in government institutions. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a secret Cayman Islands company I have to transfer $10 million to.”


thechaser--2020-02-27--Coalition assures nation there are “more than enough vaccines” to cover marginal electorates

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today assured the public that Australia is well prepared to deal with any outbreaks of the coronavirus , with stockpiles of vaccines already being rushed out to various marginal electorates .
However , residents of non-contested Labour seats have questioned the government ’ s plan , stating that they would also like some vaccines .
The government has shot back at this request , stating that every electorate that has received stockpiles was eligible , and the fact that they appeared on a colour coded spreadsheet labeled “ electorates that we want to keep alive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The fact is that these particular electorates were judged as more in need of votes , I mean medicine , shit can we start again ?
What do you mean we ’ re live !
?
” said Morrison via a live cross from Hawaii .
“ God damn , okay get me a list of everyone whose watching and make sure none of them get the vaccines.
” UPDATE : Following an outcry from the public , the government has committed an extra $ 1 billion for vaccines which will be managed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a beach shack in the Cayman Islands .

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today assured the public that Australia is well prepared to deal with any outbreaks of the coronavirus, with stockpiles of vaccines already being rushed out to various marginal electorates.
However, residents of non-contested Labour seats have questioned the government’s plan, stating that they would also like some vaccines. The government has shot back at this request, stating that every electorate that has received stockpiles was eligible, and the fact that they appeared on a colour coded spreadsheet labeled “electorates that we want to keep alive” is just a coincidence.
“The fact is that these particular electorates were judged as more in need of votes, I mean medicine, shit can we start again? What do you mean we’re live!?” said Morrison via a live cross from Hawaii. “God damn, okay get me a list of everyone whose watching and make sure none of them get the vaccines.”
UPDATE: Following an outcry from the public, the government has committed an extra $1 billion for vaccines which will be managed by a mysterious company operating out of a beach shack in the Cayman Islands.


thechaser--2020-02-27--Following latest scandal, Morrison declares all MPs will undergo ethics training in Hawaii

In an effort to stamp out widespread abuse of taxpayer funds , the Parliamentary Standards Committee has today declared that they will require all MPs and Senators to attend a conference on the ethical declaration of personal expenses .
The conference will be held in Hawaii in November , with all attendees flying via the Canary Islands and staying there for over a week in order to attend the christening of a baby they all know .
Asked how the government will be paying for the conference and travel , Prime Minister Scott Morrison said it had all been costed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ technically being eligible for a regional sports grant if they make sure they play at least one game of Marco Polo each day .
This hands-on method of tackling political issues is also being employed at a state level , with the NSW branch of the Labor Party organising an anti-corruption seminar that will be compulsory for all members to attend .
Asked who will be running the country while every MP is undergoing training in Hawaii , a representative for the government explained that contingencies are already in place , with a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s Inner West being flown down to Canberra to continue running things as normal .

In an effort to stamp out widespread abuse of taxpayer funds, the Parliamentary Standards Committee has today declared that they will require all MPs and Senators to attend a conference on the ethical declaration of personal expenses.
The conference will be held in Hawaii in November, with all attendees flying via the Canary Islands and staying there for over a week in order to attend the christening of a baby they all know.
Asked how the government will be paying for the conference and travel, Prime Minister Scott Morrison said it had all been costed and budgeted for, with the trip technically being eligible for a regional sports grant if they make sure they play at least one game of Marco Polo each day.
This hands-on method of tackling political issues is also being employed at a state level, with the NSW branch of the Labor Party organising an anti-corruption seminar that will be compulsory for all members to attend.
Asked who will be running the country while every MP is undergoing training in Hawaii, a representative for the government explained that contingencies are already in place, with a team of recently recaptured baboons from Sydney’s Inner West being flown down to Canberra to continue running things as normal.


thechaser--2020-02-27--Baboons successfully returned to running the country

The Speaker of the House of Representatives has today confirmed the three baboons that recently escaped captivity have been successfully recaptured and returned to their offices at Parliament House .
The primates , consisting of two frontbenchers and a long-serving backbencher , got loose two days ago , during the midst of a particularly tedious session of Question Time .
“ It was only a matter of time , ” one of the baboons ’ handlers told the Chaser .
“ They get very agitated whenever parliament sits , especially when forced to listen to endless , content-free responses to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ twitches on their faces every time the words ‘ Mr .
Speaker ’ are uttered .
Unfortunately , Morrison was called up to the dispatch box a lot that day , and he one of the world ’ s foremost experts in talking for a very long time without saying anything of substance.
” The baboons were eventually found in the parking lot of a nearby hospital , where they were harassing staff and patients .
“ It was terrifying , ” said one witness , “ They wouldn ’ t leave us @ @ @ @ @ @ @ put corflutes in our front-yard and thrusting how-to-vote cards in our hands .
Anytime I asked them a question , they refused to give a straight answer , just kept repeating the same canned response again and again.
” Eventually , animal control managed to lure the apes away by pretending to be representatives from a marginal electorate sports club , at which point they were restrained and sedated .
The handlers have told the Chaser that the animals are doing well , and are already back to work on various policy committees @

The Speaker of the House of Representatives has today confirmed the three baboons that recently escaped captivity have been successfully recaptured and returned to their offices at Parliament House.
The primates, consisting of two frontbenchers and a long-serving backbencher, got loose two days ago, during the midst of a particularly tedious session of Question Time. “It was only a matter of time,” one of the baboons’ handlers told the Chaser. “They get very agitated whenever parliament sits, especially when forced to listen to endless, content-free responses to Dorothy Dixers. You can see the twitches on their faces every time the words ‘Mr. Speaker’ are uttered. Unfortunately, Morrison was called up to the dispatch box a lot that day, and he one of the world’s foremost experts in talking for a very long time without saying anything of substance.”
The baboons were eventually found in the parking lot of a nearby hospital, where they were harassing staff and patients. “It was terrifying,” said one witness, “They wouldn’t leave us alone. They kept pestering us to put corflutes in our front-yard and thrusting how-to-vote cards in our hands. Anytime I asked them a question, they refused to give a straight answer, just kept repeating the same canned response again and again.” Eventually, animal control managed to lure the apes away by pretending to be representatives from a marginal electorate sports club, at which point they were restrained and sedated.
The handlers have told the Chaser that the animals are doing well, and are already back to work on various policy committees.


thechaser--2020-02-27--Authorities desperately attempt to stem the spread of JNCO jeans

Australia has locked down its borders this week and quarantined large sections of the public in a last-ditch attempt to @ @ @ @ @ jeans which have seen recent outbreaks across the country .
The disease , which can @ @ @ @ @ to wear pants that are about 48 sizes too large , was thought to be @ @ @ @ @ 90s , but health authorities say they have recently seen a number of isolated outbreaks @ @ @ @ @ come back from visiting New York .
The outbreak is not all bad news though @ @ @ @ @ correcting from earlier drastic falls following the news of the outbreak .
“ Yea we @ @ @ @ @ bit about the whole coronavirus thing , ” said one Gen X stock trader today @ @ @ @ @ JNCO jeans are making a comeback the prospect of a virus killing me actually sounds @ @ @ @ @ ”

Australia has locked down its borders this week and quarantined large sections of the public in a last-ditch attempt to stop the spread of JNCO jeans which have seen recent outbreaks across the country.
The disease, which can be recognised by the tendency to wear pants that are about 48 sizes too large, was thought to be eradicated from Australia in the 90s, but health authorities say they have recently seen a number of isolated outbreaks among Gen Zers who have come back from visiting New York.
The outbreak is not all bad news though, with the stock markets correcting from earlier drastic falls following the news of the outbreak. “Yea we were panicked there for a bit about the whole coronavirus thing,” said one Gen X stock trader today. “But now that JNCO jeans are making a comeback the prospect of a virus killing me actually sounds pretty good by comparison.”


thechaser--2020-02-27--Prime Minister’s office furiously brainstorming how best to screw up Coronavirus response

With the Coronavirus spreading further around the world every day , Scott Morrison has held a press conference today assuring the public he and his office are hard at work , as they attempt to figure out how best to totally destroy everybody ’ s confidence in his ability to handle this crisis remotely competently .
“ While it will be difficult to top the absolute PR disaster that was my response to the bushfires , I am confident I am up to the challenge , ” Morrison said , while flicking through overseas flights on his smartphone .
He @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he intends to completely cock-up both the logistical and political sides of what has the potential to turn into a national epidemic , but sources within the Prime Minister ’ s office have revealed there are a number of options on the table .
“ Number one is to get the PM out of the country on a relaxing holiday , of course , but the real challenge will be to incompetently attempt to cover it up as well , ” the staffer revealed .
“ If we can get him to repeatedly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s no big deal for as long as possible , that will be even better .
We are also liaising closely with the Treasury and Health Department to ensure as much funding as possible is cut from essential services , as well as rehearsing several insincere , tone-deaf speeches for Scomo to make once everyone is already totally pissed .
All that ’ s left now is for the Prime Minister to find some victims of the virus and force them to shake his hand.
” When asked what they intend to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Chaser ’ s source explained that they ’ ll probably just blame it on the Greens .

With the Coronavirus spreading further around the world every day, Scott Morrison has held a press conference today assuring the public he and his office are hard at work, as they attempt to figure out how best to totally destroy everybody’s confidence in his ability to handle this crisis remotely competently.
“While it will be difficult to top the absolute PR disaster that was my response to the bushfires, I am confident I am up to the challenge,” Morrison said, while flicking through overseas flights on his smartphone. He did not go into details of how he intends to completely cock-up both the logistical and political sides of what has the potential to turn into a national epidemic, but sources within the Prime Minister’s office have revealed there are a number of options on the table.
“Number one is to get the PM out of the country on a relaxing holiday, of course, but the real challenge will be to incompetently attempt to cover it up as well,” the staffer revealed. “If we can get him to repeatedly brush off public concerns and claim it’s no big deal for as long as possible, that will be even better. We are also liaising closely with the Treasury and Health Department to ensure as much funding as possible is cut from essential services, as well as rehearsing several insincere, tone-deaf speeches for Scomo to make once everyone is already totally pissed. All that’s left now is for the Prime Minister to find some victims of the virus and force them to shake his hand.”
When asked what they intend to do if these plans fall-through, the Chaser’s source explained that they’ll probably just blame it on the Greens.


thechaser--2020-02-27--Newstart recipients form sports clubs in marginal seats so they can make ends meet

In a surprising show of community spirit and poverty driven necessity , Newstart recipients have begun to form community clubs @ @ @ @ @ s swing seats .
One such club is popping up in the regional town of @ @ @ @ @ headed by local man Derrick Johnson .
Derrick and his fellow recipients have decided to @ @ @ @ @ Club .
He told reporters that “ I know none of us have any experience @ @ @ @ @ ’ t a horse for miles , but hey I don ’ t think that @ @ @ @ @ issue.
” The choice of the government to leave many Centrelink locations empty has also @ @ @ @ @ find somewhere for their clubs to get a running start .
So far the government @ @ @ @ @ however it can be reported that in a promising move Bridget McKenzie has signed up @ @ @ @

In a surprising show of community spirit and poverty driven necessity, Newstart recipients have begun to form community clubs all across the nation’s swing seats.
One such club is popping up in the regional town of North Sydney and is being headed by local man Derrick Johnson. Derrick and his fellow recipients have decided to found the Neutral Bay Polo Club. He told reporters that “I know none of us have any experience playing Polo and there isn’t a horse for miles, but hey I don’t think that should be much of an issue.”
The choice of the government to leave many Centrelink locations empty has also helped these aspiring young Australians find somewhere for their clubs to get a running start.
So far the government has refused to comment, however it can be reported that in a promising move Bridget McKenzie has signed up as a member.


thechaser--2020-02-27--Calls for government to quarantine Queensland, just to keep them away from us

Pressure is growing on the Australian government to lock down Queensland in a Wuhan-style quarantine , not because there ’ s been an outbreak of the coronavirus , but just so the rest of us don ’ t have to interact with them anymore .
“ We wouldn ’ t normally recommend such extreme measures , ” said Australia ’ s Chief Medical Officer , “ but Queensland is chock full of absolute wankers .
I mean , just look at the Gold Coast .
And Brisbane .
Not to mention the whole of Central Queensland .
And Far North @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
And don ’ t get me started on all the rich wankers in Port Douglas .
We should have thought of this years ago.
” Experts pointed to Queensland ’ s pivotal role in electing Scott Morrison so that they could build a new coal mine there , even though 84 % of them said they also wanted to “ do more about climate change ” , as proof that we should just give up on the whole state .
“ The fact that Bob Katter is from Queensland is enough to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ expert .
“ He should have been put on 24 hour lock down years ago.
” Former Prime Minister and Queenslander Kevin Rudd said he opposed the measure , which immediately led the Federal Labor caucus to endorse the measure .
Clive Palmer said he supported the measure as long as the supply of Mint Slice biscuits remained uninterrupted .
Queensland MP George Christensen said the lock-down wouldn ’ t affect him as he rarely visits Queensland , instead spending most of his time in the Philippines .
He said his colleagues were @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at the moment for some reason , even though already been several outbreaks of the coronavirus there .
Meanwhile , Pauline Hanson has said she would support the measure , surprising some observers .
“ I can ’ t stand Queenslanders , ” she said .
“ They ’ re such fucking idiots .
”

Calls for government to quarantine Queensland, just to keep them away from us
Pressure is growing on the Australian government to lock down Queensland in a Wuhan-style quarantine, not because there’s been an outbreak of the coronavirus, but just so the rest of us don’t have to interact with them anymore.
“We wouldn’t normally recommend such extreme measures,” said Australia’s Chief Medical Officer, “but Queensland is chock full of absolute wankers. I mean, just look at the Gold Coast. And Brisbane. Not to mention the whole of Central Queensland. And Far North Queensland, come to think of it. And don’t get me started on all the rich wankers in Port Douglas. We should have thought of this years ago.”
Experts pointed to Queensland’s pivotal role in electing Scott Morrison so that they could build a new coal mine there, even though 84% of them said they also wanted to “do more about climate change”, as proof that we should just give up on the whole state.
“The fact that Bob Katter is from Queensland is enough to justify this measure,” said one expert. “He should have been put on 24 hour lock down years ago.”
Former Prime Minister and Queenslander Kevin Rudd said he opposed the measure, which immediately led the Federal Labor caucus to endorse the measure.
Clive Palmer said he supported the measure as long as the supply of Mint Slice biscuits remained uninterrupted.
Queensland MP George Christensen said the lock-down wouldn’t affect him as he rarely visits Queensland, instead spending most of his time in the Philippines. He said his colleagues were ususually supportive of him spending time there at the moment for some reason, even though already been several outbreaks of the coronavirus there.
Meanwhile, Pauline Hanson has said she would support the measure, surprising some observers. “I can’t stand Queenslanders,” she said. “They’re such fucking idiots.”


thechaser--2020-02-25--Dutton explains when he said ‘left-wing threats’ he was referring to Inner West baboons

Federal Minister for Home Affairs and part time McCains mascot Peter Dutton has today clarified earlier comments likening far-left groups to the recent spate of neo-nazi linked mass murders .
“ I ’ m afraid my words have been taken out of context , I ’ m not a monster after all , ” explained Dutton while smothering a toddler .
“ What I was actually referring to was the dangerous residents of Sydney ’ s Inner West , like those radioactive baboons that just escaped from Royal Prince Alfred hospital.
” Asked why exactly a hospital in inner-Sydney is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that it was a specific favour to him , as he had asked doctors if they could create a pack of winged monkeys to bounce around him with joy whenever he holds a press conference or threatens to murder a young girl ’ s dog .
“ The fact is though , that I will be vigilant about threats whether they come from the right , the left , or from the invisible African gangs that are plaguing Melbourne , ” explained Dutton .
“ I mean after all it ’ s not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for every Christchurch shooter , pipe-bomb mailer , German gunman , UK Labor member murderer , Norway Young-Labor slaughter , Munich mall shooter , Tallahassee shooter , Toronto van attacker , Quebec City mosque shooter , Sweden school attacker , Charleston church shooter , Wisconsin Sikh temple shooter or Umpqua Community College shooter , there ’ s a left-wing extremist just waiting in the wings for the right moment to give everyone socialised dental .
”

Dutton explains when he said ‘left-wing threats’ he was referring to Inner West baboons
Federal Minister for Home Affairs and part time McCains mascot Peter Dutton has today clarified earlier comments likening far-left groups to the recent spate of neo-nazi linked mass murders.
“I’m afraid my words have been taken out of context, I’m not a monster after all,” explained Dutton while smothering a toddler. “What I was actually referring to was the dangerous residents of Sydney’s Inner West, like those radioactive baboons that just escaped from Royal Prince Alfred hospital.”
Asked why exactly a hospital in inner-Sydney is apparently holding baboons captive, Dutton explained that it was a specific favour to him, as he had asked doctors if they could create a pack of winged monkeys to bounce around him with joy whenever he holds a press conference or threatens to murder a young girl’s dog.
“The fact is though, that I will be vigilant about threats whether they come from the right, the left, or from the invisible African gangs that are plaguing Melbourne,” explained Dutton. “I mean after all it’s not just far-right groups that are dangerous, for every Christchurch shooter, pipe-bomb mailer, German gunman, UK Labor member murderer, Norway Young-Labor slaughter, Munich mall shooter, Tallahassee shooter, Toronto van attacker, Quebec City mosque shooter, Sweden school attacker, Charleston church shooter, Wisconsin Sikh temple shooter or Umpqua Community College shooter, there’s a left-wing extremist just waiting in the wings for the right moment to give everyone socialised dental.”


thechaser--2020-02-25--Breakfast TV producer fired after accidentally booking actual expert to talk about issue

For many Australians , getting their news from breakfast TV is an important part of their lives , similar to getting their wisdom teeth removed , in that it leaves a certain numb feeling in your head while somehow still managing to be painful to endure .
Why look at an app to tell you the weather forecast instantly , when you can wait to be told by an overly excited guy on TV who is probably hanging around a school for no reason ?
One of the more controversial aspects of breakfast television is the ‘ hot topics ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ discuss the issues that are plaguing our society with the hosts .
Generally , 2 or 3 people will come on and share their view on the serious issue .
Today we spoke to Hannah , a former producer for breakfast TV who was fired after a mistake she made when planning one of these segments .
“ I should have known better , ” she said .
“ Obviously the idea was stupid .
You see what happened was we were having a meeting about planning the show , normally this segment @ @ @ @ @ @ @ find the right people for the topic to represent a range of opinions .
Climate debate is easy to do , you need someone who doesn ’ t believe in climate change , someone who doesn ’ t believe in man-made climate change and maybe someone who does believe in climate change .
Racism again easy , someone with a past of racist comments , someone who claims they have met a person of colour once , and as long as the host doesn ’ t let them talk much you could grab @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the same idea for sexism and LGBTQ rights.
” “ Then one day I suggested maybe shaking the format up a bit , ” she explained .
“ What if we had some experts come in ?
‘ An expert ’ they said ‘ like the kind of person that can give actual evidence about the problem ?
What are you talking about ?
People don ’ t watch our show for informed opinions !
’ .
I apologised but they still ended up firing me .
They were right though , it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our audience not to listen to experts if we bring them on the show.
” “ If in doubt call Pauline , Bolt or Latham , ” she continued .
“ It ’ s the golden rule of breakfast TV .
There were even posters of it on the walls .
It ’ s easy you just let them ramble on and maybe once every couple years or so , you tell the host to shut them up in order to pretend like you care about other people ’ s problems.
” When @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on their shows , representatives from both Sunrise and Today said “ We constantly bring in experts on during other segments .
If a scientist thinks that there is a chance wine or chocolate will make us live longer , we are happy to have them on .
But experts on actual news are not to be trusted .
”

For many Australians, getting their news from breakfast TV is an important part of their lives, similar to getting their wisdom teeth removed, in that it leaves a certain numb feeling in your head while somehow still managing to be painful to endure. Why look at an app to tell you the weather forecast instantly, when you can wait to be told by an overly excited guy on TV who is probably hanging around a school for no reason?
One of the more controversial aspects of breakfast television is the ‘hot topics’ segments where people are brought in to discuss the issues that are plaguing our society with the hosts. Generally, 2 or 3 people will come on and share their view on the serious issue. Today we spoke to Hannah, a former producer for breakfast TV who was fired after a mistake she made when planning one of these segments.
“I should have known better,” she said. “Obviously the idea was stupid. You see what happened was we were having a meeting about planning the show, normally this segment is pretty easy you just need to find the right people for the topic to represent a range of opinions. Climate debate is easy to do, you need someone who doesn’t believe in climate change, someone who doesn’t believe in man-made climate change and maybe someone who does believe in climate change. Racism again easy, someone with a past of racist comments, someone who claims they have met a person of colour once, and as long as the host doesn’t let them talk much you could grab a person of colour. Basically, the same idea for sexism and LGBTQ rights.”
“Then one day I suggested maybe shaking the format up a bit,” she explained. “What if we had some experts come in? ‘An expert’ they said ‘like the kind of person that can give actual evidence about the problem? What are you talking about? People don’t watch our show for informed opinions!’. I apologised but they still ended up firing me. They were right though, it would make it much harder to tell our audience not to listen to experts if we bring them on the show.”
“If in doubt call Pauline, Bolt or Latham,” she continued. “It’s the golden rule of breakfast TV. There were even posters of it on the walls. It’s easy you just let them ramble on and maybe once every couple years or so, you tell the host to shut them up in order to pretend like you care about other people’s problems.”
When asked about the idea of bringing experts on their shows, representatives from both Sunrise and Today said “We constantly bring in experts on during other segments. If a scientist thinks that there is a chance wine or chocolate will make us live longer, we are happy to have them on. But experts on actual news are not to be trusted.”


thechaser--2020-02-25--NSW government excited for Coronavirus to arrive so it can start shutting down public events

The NSW government has this week been praised for its forward-thinking approach to the coronavirus , having already cancelled all large public events years before the virus was even known about .
“ It is my sad duty to announce that the single remaining event in Sydney will have to be shut down for safety reasons , ” explained the Premier as she tried to stifle a smile today .
“ But in unrelated good news , we ’ ve just approved another Casino which will be exempt from these laws , so you can all gamble till your heart @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they have done to prevent the spread of disease , the government explained that it has been working for years to ensure that public transport is not a vector , by ensuring that the trains almost never run and everyone is forced to catch an Uber everywhere .
“ From the flooded Metro , to the slow and constantly breaking down tram network – Sydney ’ s public transport has never been a safer from the risk that people might want to use it en masse.
” “ We ’ ve also ensured @ @ @ @ @ @ @ P2 facemasks by underfunding the fire services and propping up the coal industry , ” the Premier continued .
“ You all thought the bushfires were an accident , but actually they were just a trial run to see if we could get white people to wear facemasks .
Turns out the answer is no .
”

The NSW government has this week been praised for its forward-thinking approach to the coronavirus, having already cancelled all large public events years before the virus was even known about.
“It is my sad duty to announce that the single remaining event in Sydney will have to be shut down for safety reasons,” explained the Premier as she tried to stifle a smile today. “But in unrelated good news, we’ve just approved another Casino which will be exempt from these laws, so you can all gamble till your heart’s content.”
Asked what else they have done to prevent the spread of disease, the government explained that it has been working for years to ensure that public transport is not a vector, by ensuring that the trains almost never run and everyone is forced to catch an Uber everywhere. “From the flooded Metro, to the slow and constantly breaking down tram network – Sydney’s public transport has never been a safer from the risk that people might want to use it en masse.”
“We’ve also ensured that the public is well equipped with P2 facemasks by underfunding the fire services and propping up the coal industry,” the Premier continued. “You all thought the bushfires were an accident, but actually they were just a trial run to see if we could get white people to wear facemasks. Turns out the answer is no.”


thechaser--2020-02-25--Stockmarket plunges: Greens to blame

Stockmarket plunges: Greens to blame

The government has blamed the Greens for the plunge in the stock market .
Prime Minister Scott Morrison said widespread uncertainty in the stock market was almost certainly due to a Greens policy to separate household waste into four separate bins , rather than two or three .
“ When you try and force people to separate their waste , it creates uncertainty .
Is the lid for my pasta sauce recyclable , or do I have to put it in the bin ?
Nobody knows !
It ’ s that sort of uncertainty that ’ s killing the stock @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thanks to the Greens.
” When asked whether the stock market rout had anything to do with the Coronavirus , Mr Morrison pointed out that the Coronavirus was the fault of the Greens too , so it didn ’ t make any difference .
Mr Morrison also blamed the Greens for the Australia cricket team ’ s lacklustre performance in the second T20 international in South Africa .
“ When you can ’ t even get to a below-par score against the South African attack , you know that the Greens are somehow @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ The Green ’ s opposition to whale slaughter has made Australia appear weak to the international community , something which the South African cricket team were able to exploit , ” he said .
However , in a surprise move , Mr Morrison said he didn ’ t think Noni B ’ s impeding cardigan shortage was because of the Greens .
“ Oh god no .
That ’ s just a supply-chain issue .
I ’ m not some sort of nut-job , ” he said .

The government has blamed the Greens for the plunge in the stock market.
Prime Minister Scott Morrison said widespread uncertainty in the stock market was almost certainly due to a Greens policy to separate household waste into four separate bins, rather than two or three.
“When you try and force people to separate their waste, it creates uncertainty. Is the lid for my pasta sauce recyclable, or do I have to put it in the bin? Nobody knows! It’s that sort of uncertainty that’s killing the stock market. And that’s all thanks to the Greens.”
When asked whether the stock market rout had anything to do with the Coronavirus, Mr Morrison pointed out that the Coronavirus was the fault of the Greens too, so it didn’t make any difference.
Mr Morrison also blamed the Greens for the Australia cricket team’s lacklustre performance in the second T20 international in South Africa. “When you can’t even get to a below-par score against the South African attack, you know that the Greens are somehow to blame,” said Mr Morrison.
“The Green’s opposition to whale slaughter has made Australia appear weak to the international community, something which the South African cricket team were able to exploit,” he said.
However, in a surprise move, Mr Morrison said he didn’t think Noni B’s impeding cardigan shortage was because of the Greens. “Oh god no. That’s just a supply-chain issue. I’m not some sort of nut-job,” he said.


thechaser--2020-03-01--Nation’s under-10s quietly hoping for massive Coronavirus school shutdown

Following release of figures showing that not a single under-10 year old has died from the Coronavirus , the nation ’ s primary school kids have been quietly hoping for a massive outbreak in Australia , which leads to the extended cancelation of school .
“ It ’ s a perfect storm , ” said six-year old Hugh Jones from Forest Heights Primary School .
“ A harmless disease with a long incubation period .
I can ’ t think of a better scenario.
” Mr Jones said he was quietly hoping the outbreak ’ s spread would accelerate rapidly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ difficult maths test on Wednesday , and I ’ m hoping I ’ ll catch coronavirus by then .
My teacher said it ’ s going to include a question on subtraction , and I just can ’ t get my head around advanced mathematics like that.
” “ In fact , I think I might be getting a sniffle already , ” he said unconvincingly .
“ Look — maybe that ’ s unrealistic — but I can dream.
” Authorities are warning against stockpiling for fears of creating scarcity .
But @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kids are ignoring .
“ Yeah — I ’ ve been stockpiling all the normal stuff : extra video games , long-lasting lollies like those big Chupa Chups , as well as nerf bullets — just in case things turn really bad and we have to launch a nerf war against my younger brother.
” When asked whether he was concerned about the impact the virus would have on adults , Mr Jones , said that his parents and teachers had expressed sadness that his generation was not doing more about something that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know how we feel about climate change , ” he said .
The Federal Government has announced extra funding to rural and remote schools to help them cope with the crisis .
starting with a $ 20m grant to North Sydney Boys high school , located in regional NSW .
Meanwhile , Labor ’ s Tanya Plibersek has called for every school kid to pledge allegiance in the fight against the virus .

Following release of figures showing that not a single under-10 year old has died from the Coronavirus, the nation’s primary school kids have been quietly hoping for a massive outbreak in Australia, which leads to the extended cancelation of school.
“It’s a perfect storm,” said six-year old Hugh Jones from Forest Heights Primary School. “A harmless disease with a long incubation period. I can’t think of a better scenario.”
Mr Jones said he was quietly hoping the outbreak’s spread would accelerate rapidly. “I’ve got a difficult maths test on Wednesday, and I’m hoping I’ll catch coronavirus by then. My teacher said it’s going to include a question on subtraction, and I just can’t get my head around advanced mathematics like that.”
“In fact, I think I might be getting a sniffle already,” he said unconvincingly. “Look — maybe that’s unrealistic — but I can dream.”
Authorities are warning against stockpiling for fears of creating scarcity. But it’s a warning that many kids are ignoring.
“Yeah — I’ve been stockpiling all the normal stuff: extra video games, long-lasting lollies like those big Chupa Chups, as well as nerf bullets — just in case things turn really bad and we have to launch a nerf war against my younger brother.”
When asked whether he was concerned about the impact the virus would have on adults, Mr Jones, said that his parents and teachers had expressed sadness that his generation was not doing more about something that gravely affects them.
“Now they know how we feel about climate change,” he said.
The Federal Government has announced extra funding to rural and remote schools to help them cope with the crisis. starting with a $20m grant to North Sydney Boys high school, located in regional NSW.
Meanwhile, Labor’s Tanya Plibersek has called for every school kid to pledge allegiance in the fight against the virus.


thechaser--2020-03-02--Trump calls for some kind of wall to be built around China

President Donald Trump has today called for some kind of wall to be build around China , in order to keep the coronavirus from escaping .
“ This will be an amazing wall , some might even call it a great wall , ” said Trump today while golfing for the 8th time this week .
“ This will solve the problem of the corona virus once and for all , which by the way is a democratic conspiracy.
” Asked who exactly will pay for the wall , Trump said he had already spoken to Mexico and they have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I called up President Obrador today and he said ‘ Chocho ’ , that ’ s his nickname for me , my staff tell me that means ‘ Very brave ’ you know I say to him , and I say this a lot , I said Obrado you ’ ve got ta pay for this wall , and he says to me ‘ No idiota ’ which I ’ m told means ‘ Yes and you are very smart ’ .
” Asked whether they will be building the wall , Chinese @ @ @ @ @ @ @ being unable to stop laughing .

President Donald Trump has today called for some kind of wall to be build around China, in order to keep the coronavirus from escaping.
“This will be an amazing wall, some might even call it a great wall,” said Trump today while golfing for the 8th time this week. “This will solve the problem of the corona virus once and for all, which by the way is a democratic conspiracy.”
Asked who exactly will pay for the wall, Trump said he had already spoken to Mexico and they have agreed to fund the construction. “I called up President Obrador today and he said ‘Chocho’, that’s his nickname for me, my staff tell me that means ‘Very brave’ you know I say to him, and I say this a lot, I said Obrado you’ve gotta pay for this wall, and he says to me ‘No idiota’ which I’m told means ‘Yes and you are very smart’.”
Asked whether they will be building the wall, Chinese officials were unavailable to comment due to being unable to stop laughing.


thechaser--2020-03-02--“Now’s a great time to catch public transport” report nation’s cold and flu sufferers

Local man George Bluff has today been greeted with a round of applause by his fellow citizens after opting to push through and catch some public transport despite suffering severe flu symptoms .
“ Oh boy I feel so lucky to be chosen , ” said one fellow traveller sitting in front of George as he coughed on the back of his head .
“ I can ’ t think of a better place to ride out a cold or flu than a sealed metal tube where everybody is jammed into close proximity.
” Riding on the Northern train line @ @ @ @ @ @ @ aback at how much better he ’ s treated by his fellow passengers now that they know he ’ s a cool guy with a large hacking cough .
“ The moment I coughed loudly into the air without covering my mouth , all my fellow travellers got up and cleared out the carriage so I had it all to myself , ” he explained .
“ How ’ s that for luxury !
People are so thoughtful.
” George , 48 , who works full time as a business analyst said he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his colleagues just couldn ’ t do without him .
“ You know I think they ’ ll all appreciate my diligence , ” said George .
“ I know everyone in the office respects you more if you turn up to work when sick .
In fact they ’ re all also catching colds now just to be like me , isn ’ t that cool ?
” “ I considered just Skyping in , ” he continued , “ but you know I didn ’ t want to take any more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back from a three week cruise after all .
”

Local man George Bluff has today been greeted with a round of applause by his fellow citizens after opting to push through and catch some public transport despite suffering severe flu symptoms. “Oh boy I feel so lucky to be chosen,” said one fellow traveller sitting in front of George as he coughed on the back of his head. “I can’t think of a better place to ride out a cold or flu than a sealed metal tube where everybody is jammed into close proximity.”
Riding on the Northern train line this morning George said he was taken aback at how much better he’s treated by his fellow passengers now that they know he’s a cool guy with a large hacking cough. “The moment I coughed loudly into the air without covering my mouth, all my fellow travellers got up and cleared out the carriage so I had it all to myself,” he explained. “How’s that for luxury! People are so thoughtful.”
George, 48, who works full time as a business analyst said he considered working from home, but decided his colleagues just couldn’t do without him. “You know I think they’ll all appreciate my diligence,” said George. “I know everyone in the office respects you more if you turn up to work when sick. In fact they’re all also catching colds now just to be like me, isn’t that cool?”
“I considered just Skyping in,” he continued, “but you know I didn’t want to take any more time off. I only just got back from a three week cruise after all.”