thechaser--2020-04-28--Local student horrified to learn these are the best years of their life

Computer nerd and seasonal allergy sufferer Jenny Wilson has today reacted with horror upon learning that her high school years will be the best years of her life .
“ Jesus christ , you mean it gets worse than this ?
” asked Jenny as she ate lunch alone for the third week in a row to avoid relentless taunting about her pigtails .
“ I can ’ t even imagine how I could be suffering worse than I am now.
” Piled with relentless pointless assignments , crippling pressure to do well , hormones that are ravaging her body @ @ @ @ @ @ @ limited social circle which she has no control over , Jenny says she had initially imagined that she would actually enjoy the freedoms that come with adulthood , such as the ability to wear what she wants , do what she wants , socialise with people she chooses , and to find a career that suits her introverted personality , but apparently that was all a lie .
“ According to my teachers I should be enjoying this , ” explained Jenny .
“ Because apparently having to file taxes once is a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ being imprisoned in a building with people who don ’ t like you because of your body weight.
” “ Also now having lived through two financial collapses , three wars , a pandemic and one of the worst presidencies in living memory , I thought maybe things would improve slightly in the future , ” sighed Jenny .
“ But I guess we all said in 2016 things couldn ’ t get worse , and now look where we ’ re at .
I guess I should really start to appreciate getting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ while I ’ m reading my book alone.
” However , communicating from the future , Jenny ’ s 50 year old self agreed that her high school years were definitely some of the best .
“ Yep it ’ s all downhill from here kid , ” explained future Jenny from the house she owns with her investment banker husband as three small children ran around her feet .
“ What I ’ d give to be stuck having to do calculus again instead of spending my youth outdoors and having fun @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spend my days choosing what I eat , where I go , and being treated with respect by my fellow human beings .
It ’ s awful .
Take it from me kid , independence is overrated .
Now if you ’ ll excuse me I feel like eating a whole tube of cookie dough and nobody can stop me .
”

Computer nerd and seasonal allergy sufferer Jenny Wilson has today reacted with horror upon learning that her high school years will be the best years of her life. “Jesus christ, you mean it gets worse than this?” asked Jenny as she ate lunch alone for the third week in a row to avoid relentless taunting about her pigtails. “I can’t even imagine how I could be suffering worse than I am now.”
Piled with relentless pointless assignments, crippling pressure to do well, hormones that are ravaging her body, acne, peer-pressure, and a limited social circle which she has no control over, Jenny says she had initially imagined that she would actually enjoy the freedoms that come with adulthood, such as the ability to wear what she wants, do what she wants, socialise with people she chooses, and to find a career that suits her introverted personality, but apparently that was all a lie. “According to my teachers I should be enjoying this,” explained Jenny. “Because apparently having to file taxes once is a year pales in comparison to six years being imprisoned in a building with people who don’t like you because of your body weight.”
“Also now having lived through two financial collapses, three wars, a pandemic and one of the worst presidencies in living memory, I thought maybe things would improve slightly in the future,” sighed Jenny. “But I guess we all said in 2016 things couldn’t get worse, and now look where we’re at. I guess I should really start to appreciate getting drinks poured on me in the playground while I’m reading my book alone.”
However, communicating from the future, Jenny’s 50 year old self agreed that her high school years were definitely some of the best. “Yep it’s all downhill from here kid,” explained future Jenny from the house she owns with her investment banker husband as three small children ran around her feet. “What I’d give to be stuck having to do calculus again instead of spending my youth outdoors and having fun. Now I’m forced to spend my days choosing what I eat, where I go, and being treated with respect by my fellow human beings. It’s awful. Take it from me kid, independence is overrated. Now if you’ll excuse me I feel like eating a whole tube of cookie dough and nobody can stop me.”


thechaser--2020-04-28--Logies cancelled after organisers realise no Australian TV will ever top Kath and Kim

The Australian TV industry has been thrown into chaos , and the rest of Australia has midly shrugged , after it was announced this evening that the Logies will not be going ahead in 2020 .
The announcement has caused much concern among fans of Australian TV , who were shocked to learn the Logies hadn ’ t been scrapped years ago .
“ God , now how will we reward the efforts of… that vet guy with the jaw , or um , who was that racist blonde lady on that breakfast show ?
” asked one Australian .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the hard work channel ten put into buying all those American TV shows .
Surely that should be recognised with an appearance by a D-List American guest who has no idea why they are invited.
” The news has particularly hit the last remaining fan of Lindsay Lohan , who says she was a shoe-in for the best actress award this year after successfully pretending to care who anyone on the Masked Singer was .
“ It ’ s such a shame to see such talent go unrecognised , ” exclaimed the fan @ @ @ @ @ @ @ robbed of a logie since that dog impersonator off A Current Affair failed to win best actor back in 2010.
” Asked whether the awards would be returning in 2021 after the threat of COVID had subsided , representatives for the Logies explained that the virus had nothing to do with the cancellation .
“ Fact is we just decided there was no point giving out awards anymore , ” explained head of the Logies John Johnson .
“ We ’ ve all agreed that no Australian TV is ever going to top @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as well just pack it in now .
”

The Australian TV industry has been thrown into chaos, and the rest of Australia has midly shrugged, after it was announced this evening that the Logies will not be going ahead in 2020. The announcement has caused much concern among fans of Australian TV, who were shocked to learn the Logies hadn’t been scrapped years ago.
“God, now how will we reward the efforts of… that vet guy with the jaw, or um, who was that racist blonde lady on that breakfast show?” asked one Australian. “Gosh, just think of all the hard work channel ten put into buying all those American TV shows. Surely that should be recognised with an appearance by a D-List American guest who has no idea why they are invited.”
The news has particularly hit the last remaining fan of Lindsay Lohan, who says she was a shoe-in for the best actress award this year after successfully pretending to care who anyone on the Masked Singer was. “It’s such a shame to see such talent go unrecognised,” exclaimed the fan. “No performer has been so robbed of a logie since that dog impersonator off A Current Affair failed to win best actor back in 2010.”
Asked whether the awards would be returning in 2021 after the threat of COVID had subsided, representatives for the Logies explained that the virus had nothing to do with the cancellation. “Fact is we just decided there was no point giving out awards anymore,” explained head of the Logies John Johnson. “We’ve all agreed that no Australian TV is ever going to top Kath and Kim, so we might as well just pack it in now.”


thechaser--2020-04-28--Daniel Day-Lewis to play Tom Hanks in COVID movie

The upcoming movie about Tom Hanks ’ battle with coronavirus will star Daniel Day-Lewis as Hanks .
Producer Vyvyan Franks said the There Will Be Blood actor was cast after he was deemed to be the most convincing actor for the role of Tom Hanks .
Franks said “ We had two people in mind for this role .
I can ’ t say who the other one was , but after screen tests we unanimously went with Daniel .
While Tom Hanks is a very convincing Tom Hanks , Day-Lewis is more convincing.
” The movie , tentatively titled @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to be released in cinemas this spring .
Franks said that the decision was made to release it whether cinemas were open or not because no one goes anymore anyway , pandemic or not .
Day Lewis said “ It ’ s a privilege to play a genuine star of the screen .
I ’ ve been getting into character by acting really nice to everyone and pretending one of my sons is an idiot.
” An irate Hanks said “ They went with Day-Lewis ?
Hey Daniel , you want to come @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
Maybe help yourself to what ’ s in my fridge ?
Unbelievable .
”

The upcoming movie about Tom Hanks’ battle with coronavirus will star Daniel Day-Lewis as Hanks. Producer Vyvyan Franks said the There Will Be Blood actor was cast after he was deemed to be the most convincing actor for the role of Tom Hanks.
Franks said “We had two people in mind for this role. I can’t say who the other one was, but after screen tests we unanimously went with Daniel. While Tom Hanks is a very convincing Tom Hanks, Day-Lewis is more convincing.”
The movie, tentatively titled You’ve Got COVID is set to be released in cinemas this spring. Franks said that the decision was made to release it whether cinemas were open or not because no one goes anymore anyway, pandemic or not.
Day Lewis said “It’s a privilege to play a genuine star of the screen. I’ve been getting into character by acting really nice to everyone and pretending one of my sons is an idiot.”
An irate Hanks said “They went with Day-Lewis? Hey Daniel, you want to come over and fuck my wife as well? Maybe help yourself to what’s in my fridge? Unbelievable.”


thechaser--2020-04-28--North Korea release pictures of Kim Jong-un alive and well

North Korea have today squashed reports that their supreme leader is gravely ill following the first appearance by the President in months .
In an incredible show of power , a Hawaiian shirt wearing Kim Jong-Un was wheeled out in dark Ray-Bans by his adoring security guards at a ceremony in Pyongyang ’ s town square this afternoon .
With ‘ Stronger ’ by Britney Spears blasting in the background , The Hermit Kingdom ’ s commander was assisted to a podium where DPRK ’ s Chief of Military Mee Nah-Lie addressed the public .
“ As you can see @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ever !
Please ignore the strings.
” Mr Nah-Lie explained as Mr Kim waved to the crowd with one hand in an up and down jerking motion .
“ Please understand , Mr Jong-Unwell is very tired from single handedly eradicating Coronavirus from this planet .
He will therefore not be answering any questions at this time.
” Mr Jong-Un ’ s next scheduled appearance will be at BFF Donald Trump ’ s Long Island beach house for an end of COVID-19 party .
Actors Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman are also expected @ @ @ @ @ @ @ third instalment in the series .

North Korea have today squashed reports that their supreme leader is gravely ill following the first appearance by the President in months. In an incredible show of power, a Hawaiian shirt wearing Kim Jong-Un was wheeled out in dark Ray-Bans by his adoring security guards at a ceremony in Pyongyang’s town square this afternoon.
With ‘Stronger’ by Britney Spears blasting in the background, The Hermit Kingdom’s commander was assisted to a podium where DPRK’s Chief of Military Mee Nah-Lie addressed the public. “As you can see, our fearless leader is healthier than ever! Please ignore the strings.” Mr Nah-Lie explained as Mr Kim waved to the crowd with one hand in an up and down jerking motion. “Please understand, Mr Jong-Unwell is very tired from single handedly eradicating Coronavirus from this planet. He will therefore not be answering any questions at this time.”
Mr Jong-Un’s next scheduled appearance will be at BFF Donald Trump’s Long Island beach house for an end of COVID-19 party. Actors Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman are also expected to attend with critics already panning the third instalment in the series.


thechaser--2020-04-28--Kim Jong Un confirmed braindead after subscribing to the Daily Telegraph

Former North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has today been officially declared braindead after it was revealed that he had recently taken out a subscription to the Daily Telegraph .
“ Oh no , we ’ re being overtaken by Sharia Law !
Ugh wind turbines are turning our children into Lebanese gangs.
” Kim was heard mumbling in sure signs that there was zero brain activity left .
“ Oh I better buy two copies this week so I can get all the collectors item pins to support the NRL .
Oh look another Andrew Bolt column , how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the possible mental decline after President Kim was seen bingewatching Married at First Sight .
“ At first we thought it might just be some harmless fun , ” explained sources close to the President .
“ However , when he then expressed his wish to purchase Pete Evan ’ s new COVID curing light machine , we knew we were in deep trouble.
” Attempts by doctors to stem the damage by cancelling President Kims Daily Telegraph subscription proved fruitless , as he immediately switched to just reading the Daily Mail online @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the basement for President Kim ’ s IQ levels .

Former North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has today been officially declared braindead after it was revealed that he had recently taken out a subscription to the Daily Telegraph.
“Oh no, we’re being overtaken by Sharia Law! Ugh wind turbines are turning our children into Lebanese gangs.” Kim was heard mumbling in sure signs that there was zero brain activity left. “Oh I better buy two copies this week so I can get all the collectors item pins to support the NRL. Oh look another Andrew Bolt column, how informative.”
Doctors were first alerted to the possible mental decline after President Kim was seen bingewatching Married at First Sight. “At first we thought it might just be some harmless fun,” explained sources close to the President. “However, when he then expressed his wish to purchase Pete Evan’s new COVID curing light machine, we knew we were in deep trouble.”
Attempts by doctors to stem the damage by cancelling President Kims Daily Telegraph subscription proved fruitless, as he immediately switched to just reading the Daily Mail online instead, forcing doctors to go looking in the basement for President Kim’s IQ levels.


thechaser--2020-04-28--Man with pokies withdrawals flushes wallet down toilet to relive the rush

Gamblers who are no longer able to throw away their weeks wages on pokie machines programmed to ensure they always @ @ @ @ @ flushed their wallets down the toilet in order to relive the rush of modern gambling @ @ @ @ @ been weeks since I could smash a few pineapples into the VIP room at my @ @ @ @ @ frustrated retiree .
“ Its gotten so bad I almost have enough money to pay @ @ @ @ @ .
If this goes on much longer I might even keep my family.
” However @ @ @ @ @ retirees to refrain from flushing money down the toilet , explaining there are more productive @ @ @ @ @ “ Consider flushing toilet paper down the toilet instead , ” suggested one expert .
@ @ @ @ @ more expensive than money right now , and much more rare , so it will @ @ @ @ @ rush as you watch those collectors items disappear down the drain .
”

Gamblers who are no longer able to throw away their weeks wages on pokie machines programmed to ensure they always lose have this week desperately flushed their wallets down the toilet in order to relive the rush of modern gambling.
“It’s been weeks since I could smash a few pineapples into the VIP room at my local,” exclaimed one frustrated retiree. “Its gotten so bad I almost have enough money to pay my electricity bills this month. If this goes on much longer I might even keep my family.”
However, experts have called on retirees to refrain from flushing money down the toilet, explaining there are more productive methods for wasting money. “Consider flushing toilet paper down the toilet instead,” suggested one expert. “It’s both more expensive than money right now, and much more rare, so it will give you a much bigger rush as you watch those collectors items disappear down the drain.”


thechaser--2020-04-29--Nation couldn’t possibly imagine why Barnaby Joyce would boycott contact tracing app

Treasurer Scott Morrison delivers the budget in the House of Representatives on May 9 , 2017 in Canberra , Australia .
The treasurer identified key areas including using pre-income tax to assist first home buyers , details on the Western Sydney Airport and funding to assist with schools .
The nation of Australia has feigned shock today at news that serial adulterer Barnaby Joyce will not be installing the contact tracing app on his phone .
“ We ’ re sure he ’ s very concerned about creeping government over-reach and not just that he ’ ll get caught cheating @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nation said , sarcastically .
“ I ’ m sure Barnaby has very legitimate reservations about the power of the government which he is one of the most senior ranking members of.
” Asked what he will be doing to play his part in the prevention of the coronavirus , Joyce fumbled to close Tinder , before explaining that he will be limiting his social circles by only visiting his fourth , fifth , and sixth families once a month .
Mr Joyce has also charitably volunteered to give up sleeping with all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ subsided , or until Wednesday , whichever comes first .
Asked whether they would be snooping on his private connections if Barnaby had installed the app , representatives for the Australian Secret Intelligence Organisation replied “ gross.
” “ God no , we have absolutely no interest in who that swelled sack of potatoes is dipping his stick into this week , ” explained head of national security Jimmy Bund .
“ We have a hard enough time trying to forget the sounds we heard when we were monitoring his office while he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve had to fork out on therapy for former agents assigned to that role is astronomical .
”

The nation of Australia has feigned shock today at news that serial adulterer Barnaby Joyce will not be installing the contact tracing app on his phone. “We’re sure he’s very concerned about creeping government over-reach and not just that he’ll get caught cheating on his second wife,” the nation said, sarcastically. “I’m sure Barnaby has very legitimate reservations about the power of the government which he is one of the most senior ranking members of.”
Asked what he will be doing to play his part in the prevention of the coronavirus, Joyce fumbled to close Tinder, before explaining that he will be limiting his social circles by only visiting his fourth, fifth, and sixth families once a month. Mr Joyce has also charitably volunteered to give up sleeping with all members of staff until the virus has subsided, or until Wednesday, whichever comes first.
Asked whether they would be snooping on his private connections if Barnaby had installed the app, representatives for the Australian Secret Intelligence Organisation replied “gross.”
“God no, we have absolutely no interest in who that swelled sack of potatoes is dipping his stick into this week,” explained head of national security Jimmy Bund. “We have a hard enough time trying to forget the sounds we heard when we were monitoring his office while he was Deputy PM. The amount we’ve had to fork out on therapy for former agents assigned to that role is astronomical.”


thechaser--2020-04-29--United Nations unanimously votes to just end 2020 right here

An emergency session of the United Nations has been called tonight to vote on a motion to end 2020 today , in an attempt to stem the flow of horrific world changing events that have been occurring since the new year .
Originally proposed by Australia in early January following the bushfires , floods , hail , drought , and Bunnings halting the sale of sausages , the motion to end the year early was initially abandoned due to concerns by various member states that such a move would mean missing out on the new James Bond movie in March @ @ @ @ @ @ @ multiple times by various member states , first by Iran after it only narrowly avoided World War 3 by accidentally shooting down a civilian plane , and then shortly after by America after it became apparent that both major candidates for President would be senile conservatives who have been accused of sexual assault .
More countries again flocked to the idea after a modern plague broke out across the world , simultaneously causing the worst economic collapse since the 1930s , though Japan vetoed that vote saying they wanted to see how the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has solidified the case for ending the year , after a rogue nuclear state encountered a power vacuum as their President was pronounced braindead , and also outside America North Korea is also having issues with its President too .

An emergency session of the United Nations has been called tonight to vote on a motion to end 2020 today, in an attempt to stem the flow of horrific world changing events that have been occurring since the new year.
Originally proposed by Australia in early January following the bushfires, floods, hail, drought, and Bunnings halting the sale of sausages, the motion to end the year early was initially abandoned due to concerns by various member states that such a move would mean missing out on the new James Bond movie in March.
The bill has since been revived multiple times by various member states, first by Iran after it only narrowly avoided World War 3 by accidentally shooting down a civilian plane, and then shortly after by America after it became apparent that both major candidates for President would be senile conservatives who have been accused of sexual assault.
More countries again flocked to the idea after a modern plague broke out across the world, simultaneously causing the worst economic collapse since the 1930s, though Japan vetoed that vote saying they wanted to see how the Olympics play out.
This week however has solidified the case for ending the year, after a rogue nuclear state encountered a power vacuum as their President was pronounced braindead, and also outside America North Korea is also having issues with its President too.


thechaser--2020-04-29--USA steps up fight against Covid-19 by invading an oil-rich Middle Eastern country

As the Covid-19 pandemic continues , more and more world leaders are referring to themselves as ‘ wartime ’ leaders .
However , none are taking this war as serious as former business man and self-proclaimed sarcastic genius President Donald Trump , who today announced plans to step up US war efforts and invade an oil-rich country .
Historically speaking , invading unrelated oil-rich countries is a crucial strategy for the US in most of their wars .
Traditionally America ’ s leaders claim that it allows for the tactical advantage of being certain that something or someone who was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ isn ’ t there and that the oil is just an unrelated coincidence .
However , Donald Trump is not like most presidents as he is not smart enough to keep the actual reason a secret .
He spoke to the press earlier today at one of his daily White House press conferences/amateur improv shows .
“ It ’ s time to get serious everyone , ” he explained , “ this virus is a warzone , and as far as I know America always completely wins every war ever .
As a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was me , I am the smartest man , Donald J. Trump knows business .
And oil is good business .
Have you seen the oil prices lately ?
It ’ s doing about as well as most of my businesses .
So as the greatest wartime president ever , I realised I haven ’ t invaded anyone yet and invading unrelated oil-rich countries is the most important step to winning any war .
I didn ’ t get to invade anyone in Vietnam because of my bad foot , which ever foot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ won ’ t need to do it myself so I am all in .
The military guys already have a country in mind , they told me they always have one ready in case of emergencies.
” However , Trump then immediately called off the war effort and went back to watching TV , citing bone spurs .

As the Covid-19 pandemic continues, more and more world leaders are referring to themselves as ‘wartime’ leaders. However, none are taking this war as serious as former business man and self-proclaimed sarcastic genius President Donald Trump, who today announced plans to step up US war efforts and invade an oil-rich country.
Historically speaking, invading unrelated oil-rich countries is a crucial strategy for the US in most of their wars. Traditionally America’s leaders claim that it allows for the tactical advantage of being certain that something or someone who was not believed to be there, actually isn’t there and that the oil is just an unrelated coincidence. However, Donald Trump is not like most presidents as he is not smart enough to keep the actual reason a secret. He spoke to the press earlier today at one of his daily White House press conferences/amateur improv shows.
“It’s time to get serious everyone,” he explained, “this virus is a warzone, and as far as I know America always completely wins every war ever. As a very smart man once said, it was me, I am the smartest man, Donald J. Trump knows business. And oil is good business. Have you seen the oil prices lately? It’s doing about as well as most of my businesses. So as the greatest wartime president ever, I realised I haven’t invaded anyone yet and invading unrelated oil-rich countries is the most important step to winning any war. I didn’t get to invade anyone in Vietnam because of my bad foot, which ever foot that is, but this time I won’t need to do it myself so I am all in. The military guys already have a country in mind, they told me they always have one ready in case of emergencies.”
However, Trump then immediately called off the war effort and went back to watching TV, citing bone spurs.


thechaser--2020-04-29--Opinion: Checkmate liberals, I’ve injected disinfectant and I’m perfectlm fjmng

How many times is this going to hrpen ?
The Precident says somethink combletly logical and smart and nex think @ @ @ @ @ up in erms about ‘ dangeros medical ’ avicve well I just injeced myhelf with @ @ @ @ @

How many times is this going to hrpen? The Precident says somethink combletly logical and smart and nex think you now the Liberls are up in erms about ‘dangeros medical’ avicve well I just injeced myhelf with disninfectnt and im pfelcly fineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemdmggmmgmgmgmgmgmgmmgggmggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg


thechaser--2020-04-29--Sources reveal Kim Jong Un only hiding because he botched his quarantine haircut

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has re-emerged in public today donning a new baseball cap following days of speculation about the North Korean leader ’ s health .
While many had initially speculated that the despot had passed away following a botched heart operation , sources within North Korea have now confirmed Kim was simply hiding after attempting a quarantine haircut that went terribly wrong .
“ I told him to look it up on YouTube first , but he kept insisting how hard could it be , ” said the inside source .
“ ‘ I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ he shouted at me ‘ Don ’ t you think a demigod can cut his own hair !
’ well demigod or no demigod that reverse mohawk isn ’ t growing out anytime soon.
” The initial cut is said to have gone reasonably well , with Kim successfully running the clippers down the side of his head in order to attain a perfect cube shape .
However , once he approached the top , witnesses say he neglected to change from a number 2 setting , and immediately removed a chunk @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Still it could have been worse , ” explained the inside source .
“ Initially he was wanting to bleach his own hair out of boredom .
Platinum blonde , could you even imagine ?
He said he wanted to look like Justin Beiber .
Odds are all his hair would have fallen out and he would have ended up looking more like Bruce Willis .
Which come to think of it , would still be an improvement on his current haircut .
”

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has re-emerged in public today donning a new baseball cap following days of speculation about the North Korean leader’s health. While many had initially speculated that the despot had passed away following a botched heart operation, sources within North Korea have now confirmed Kim was simply hiding after attempting a quarantine haircut that went terribly wrong.
“I told him to look it up on YouTube first, but he kept insisting how hard could it be,” said the inside source. “‘I’m the eternal leader and delivered by God’ he shouted at me ‘Don’t you think a demigod can cut his own hair!’ well demigod or no demigod that reverse mohawk isn’t growing out anytime soon.”
The initial cut is said to have gone reasonably well, with Kim successfully running the clippers down the side of his head in order to attain a perfect cube shape. However, once he approached the top, witnesses say he neglected to change from a number 2 setting, and immediately removed a chunk out of the middle of his quiffe.
“Still it could have been worse,” explained the inside source. “Initially he was wanting to bleach his own hair out of boredom. Platinum blonde, could you even imagine? He said he wanted to look like Justin Beiber. Odds are all his hair would have fallen out and he would have ended up looking more like Bruce Willis. Which come to think of it, would still be an improvement on his current haircut.”


thechaser--2020-04-30--Joyce assured COVID app is no threat as it only logs contacts that last over 15 minutes

Australia ’ s highest ranking beetroot Barnaby Joyce has today walked back previous comments claiming that he would never install the CovidSafe app , after learning that it only logs contacts that last longer than 15 minutes , a feat Joyce has never yet accomplished .
“ Doesn ’ t my face look red ?
” exclaimed Joyce looking no different than usual .
“ All my legitimate concerns about government over-reach have now been put to rest .
Certainly isn ’ t just because I ’ m cheating on my current partner .
Nope , was always about the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ very security conscious you know ?
” said the man who cheated on his wife in an office monitored by various government spy agencies .
“ That ’ s why I ’ m always operating very low key .
Whether it be accepting a corrupt bribe from a billionaire on stage in front of hundreds of people , or threatening to kill a Hollywood celebrity ’ s dogs and forcing them to record a hostage tape , I ’ m all about keeping myself out of the spotlight.
” “ Now if you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I have to go cheat on my wife .
”

Joyce assured COVID app is no threat as it only logs contacts that last over 15 minutes
Australia’s highest ranking beetroot Barnaby Joyce has today walked back previous comments claiming that he would never install the CovidSafe app, after learning that it only logs contacts that last longer than 15 minutes, a feat Joyce has never yet accomplished.
“Doesn’t my face look red?” exclaimed Joyce looking no different than usual. “All my legitimate concerns about government over-reach have now been put to rest. Certainly isn’t just because I’m cheating on my current partner. Nope, was always about the government.”
“I’m just very security conscious you know?” said the man who cheated on his wife in an office monitored by various government spy agencies. “That’s why I’m always operating very low key. Whether it be accepting a corrupt bribe from a billionaire on stage in front of hundreds of people, or threatening to kill a Hollywood celebrity’s dogs and forcing them to record a hostage tape, I’m all about keeping myself out of the spotlight.”
“Now if you’ll excuse me for five minutes, I have to go cheat on my wife.”


thechaser--2020-04-30--Malcolm Turnbull burns down 5G tower over fears it could cause fast internet

Former Australian Prime Minister and World-Leading-Psychic-But-For-Events-That-Have-Already-Passed , Malcolm Turnbull , was arrested this morning for allegedly burning down a 5G tower erected on the outskirts of Sydney .
The Potts Point IT millionaire was reportedly fuming that the globalised telco market has found a way to deliver rapid-speed internet to all Australians , without squandering billions of dollars of taxpayer money and then blaming the debt on a tiny minority of refugees escaping violent warzones .
Asked whether Turnbull ’ s actions would affect the planned rollout of the 5G network , a Telstra spokesman said they company was still @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to various specific corners of livingrooms across Australia .
“ We ’ ve got our technical guys on the ground , ” he explained , “ and thankfully the truffle oil Mr Turnbull used has a low smoke point so no damage was done , meaning we ’ ll still be able to progress ahead with our total monopoly on the Australian market.
” “ Ironically , we ’ d like to thank the handful of Byron Bay Vibe Specialists who reported the incident , after the smoke from one of Turnbull ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tower only 200 meters away , ” said the spokesperson .
The group chastised Turnbull for choosing fire as his method for destruction , citing its contributions to Australia ’ s overwhelmingly poor record with climate change , before all taking a 2 hour smoko to refresh their vibes .
The Byron locals instead invited Turnbull to join their method of using quartz crystals to simply dispelling 5G ’ s ‘ negative vibes ’ .
The Chaser has reached out to the Former Prime Minister for comment ; however , he has declined @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will be revealed ’ in his upcoming six-part series of interviews to be streamed via near-dial-up-speeds on Netflix .

Former Australian Prime Minister and World-Leading-Psychic-But-For-Events-That-Have-Already-Passed, Malcolm Turnbull, was arrested this morning for allegedly burning down a 5G tower erected on the outskirts of Sydney.
The Potts Point IT millionaire was reportedly fuming that the globalised telco market has found a way to deliver rapid-speed internet to all Australians, without squandering billions of dollars of taxpayer money and then blaming the debt on a tiny minority of refugees escaping violent warzones.
Asked whether Turnbull’s actions would affect the planned rollout of the 5G network, a Telstra spokesman said they company was still well on track to provide complete coverage to various specific corners of livingrooms across Australia. “We’ve got our technical guys on the ground,” he explained, “and thankfully the truffle oil Mr Turnbull used has a low smoke point so no damage was done, meaning we’ll still be able to progress ahead with our total monopoly on the Australian market.”
“Ironically, we’d like to thank the handful of Byron Bay Vibe Specialists who reported the incident, after the smoke from one of Turnbull’s flames prohibited them from destroying another tower only 200 meters away,” said the spokesperson.
The group chastised Turnbull for choosing fire as his method for destruction, citing its contributions to Australia’s overwhelmingly poor record with climate change, before all taking a 2 hour smoko to refresh their vibes. The Byron locals instead invited Turnbull to join their method of using quartz crystals to simply dispelling 5G’s ‘negative vibes’.
The Chaser has reached out to the Former Prime Minister for comment; however, he has declined the opportunity, stating that ‘all will be revealed’ in his upcoming six-part series of interviews to be streamed via near-dial-up-speeds on Netflix.


thechaser--2020-04-30--Centrelink to invest in second phone

Centrelink to invest in second phone

Centrelink has announced that it will address soaring demand for its services by installing a second phone line at its call centre .
The move comes after figures were released showing that 31 % of Australians are currently on hold to Centrelink .
A spokesperson for Centrelink said that while it was against government policy to meet the needs of those needing its services , the demand was so overwhelming that they could continue to not meet people ’ s needs , even with a doubling of their capacity .
The Prime Minister agreed to the move after it was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Centrelink are doing so for the first time in their lives .
“ It was fine when it was just bogans who were being inconvenienced , but when I heard that people from Sydney ’ s North Shore were being inconvenienced , I knew something had to change.
” Mr Morrison said he wanted to make it clear that the measure was only temporary , and that Centrelink would go back to having just the one phone line the moment the crisis was over .
Mr Morrison faces a backlash from within his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ second phone .
The hardline faction in his party opposes all government assistance except to large corporations and mining executives .
As a compromise with anyone accessing the new phone line will be immediately added to Centrelink ’ s notorious robodebt scheme , and harrassed about unpaid debts that they don ’ t owe until they kill themselves .
Peter Dutton is said to be “ satisfied ” with that arrangement .
The new phone is being installed by the NBN , and is expected to be operational by the time everyone no @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Centrelink has announced that it will address soaring demand for its services by installing a second phone line at its call centre. The move comes after figures were released showing that 31% of Australians are currently on hold to Centrelink.
A spokesperson for Centrelink said that while it was against government policy to meet the needs of those needing its services, the demand was so overwhelming that they could continue to not meet people’s needs, even with a doubling of their capacity.
The Prime Minister agreed to the move after it was revealed that many people trying to access Centrelink are doing so for the first time in their lives. “It was fine when it was just bogans who were being inconvenienced, but when I heard that people from Sydney’s North Shore were being inconvenienced, I knew something had to change.”
Mr Morrison said he wanted to make it clear that the measure was only temporary, and that Centrelink would go back to having just the one phone line the moment the crisis was over.
Mr Morrison faces a backlash from within his own party for letting Centrelink have a second phone. The hardline faction in his party opposes all government assistance except to large corporations and mining executives.
As a compromise with anyone accessing the new phone line will be immediately added to Centrelink’s notorious robodebt scheme, and harrassed about unpaid debts that they don’t owe until they kill themselves. Peter Dutton is said to be “satisfied” with that arrangement.
The new phone is being installed by the NBN, and is expected to be operational by the time everyone no longer needs to call Centrelink anymore.


thechaser--2020-04-30--John Farnham farewell tour tragically cut short after just 15 years

In line with the string of ongoing closures happening around the globe , John Farnham has recently announced his latest farewell tour has been cut short just 15 years after the initial start date .
Concertgoers around the nation expressed their grief over the cancelled tour , stating that it could be weeks or even months before he announces another comeback .
“ The response to this whole CoronaVirus is absolute horseshit , ” said local Farnham enthusiast , Francine-Maree Grinswald .
“ It ’ s just more proof that governments , corporations , 5G towers , Carole Baskin and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ attempt to control working-class Australians.
” Farnham , who rose to prominence in the late 60s thanks to his hit ‘ Sadie ( The Cleaning Lady ) ’ and his mafia connections , expressed his grief at having to cancel the tour , stating that “ I really wasn ’ t* planning on coming back after this one.
” “ I mean , between me and P !
NK , these concert tours have really been keeping Australia ’ s stadium-industry alive .
I worry about the many seat ushers , canteen workers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have the luxury of listening to me flog the same set of songs to mullet-wearing booze hounds from rural Australia.
” *Farnham ’ s Manager contacted The Chaser moments after the interview to confirm a 35 strong stadium tour was already in the works for 2022 , 2023 , 2024 , 2025 and 2026 .
Farnham could be heard in the background pleading with Olivia Newton-John to ‘ do it for old times ’ sake ’ before slamming down his phone and screaming “ YES !
”

In line with the string of ongoing closures happening around the globe, John Farnham has recently announced his latest farewell tour has been cut short just 15 years after the initial start date.
Concertgoers around the nation expressed their grief over the cancelled tour, stating that it could be weeks or even months before he announces another comeback.
“The response to this whole CoronaVirus is absolute horseshit,” said local Farnham enthusiast, Francine-Maree Grinswald. “It’s just more proof that governments, corporations, 5G towers, Carole Baskin and maybe Pangolins are in on this far-fetched attempt to control working-class Australians.”
Farnham, who rose to prominence in the late 60s thanks to his hit ‘Sadie (The Cleaning Lady)’ and his mafia connections, expressed his grief at having to cancel the tour, stating that “I really wasn’t* planning on coming back after this one.”
“I mean, between me and P!NK, these concert tours have really been keeping Australia’s stadium-industry alive. I worry about the many seat ushers, canteen workers, and toilet cleaners will no longer have the luxury of listening to me flog the same set of songs to mullet-wearing booze hounds from rural Australia.”
*Farnham’s Manager contacted The Chaser moments after the interview to confirm a 35 strong stadium tour was already in the works for 2022, 2023, 2024, 2025 and 2026. Farnham could be heard in the background pleading with Olivia Newton-John to ‘do it for old times’ sake’ before slamming down his phone and screaming “YES!”


thechaser--2020-04-30--Metalhead ruins breakfast after turning toaster up to 11

Local metalhead and part time shelf packer Mark Mitchell has today bitten down on the blackened husk of his broken fast , dropping salted tears of sorrow at the devestation that lies before his very eyes , after accidentally burning his breakfast .
The incident , which saw the entire sharehouse woken by the smoke alarm at the ungodly hour of 1pm , is believed to have occurred after metal fanatic Mark decided to amp up his cheese and ham sandwich to stratospheric new levels by setting the toaster all the way to 11 .
“ Yea man , now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Mark nodded to himself as smoke began billowing from the toaster .
“ Oh , wait shit , no it ’ s actually on fire !
What ’ s the number for 911 !
?
” Surveying the charred remains of his breakfast , Mark is said to be extremely pleased with the outcome .
“ Yea it ’ s black and charred , but that ’ s just how I like it .
Having that burnt husk inside me is no different to my black and charred heart that burns in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ arrows from cupids cursed bow .
Oh wait actually I ’ ve still got some pop-tarts left , I ’ ll just eat those .
”

Local metalhead and part time shelf packer Mark Mitchell has today bitten down on the blackened husk of his broken fast, dropping salted tears of sorrow at the devestation that lies before his very eyes, after accidentally burning his breakfast.
The incident, which saw the entire sharehouse woken by the smoke alarm at the ungodly hour of 1pm, is believed to have occurred after metal fanatic Mark decided to amp up his cheese and ham sandwich to stratospheric new levels by setting the toaster all the way to 11. “Yea man, now we’re cooking with fire!” Mark nodded to himself as smoke began billowing from the toaster. “Oh, wait shit, no it’s actually on fire! What’s the number for 911!?”
Surveying the charred remains of his breakfast, Mark is said to be extremely pleased with the outcome. “Yea it’s black and charred, but that’s just how I like it. Having that burnt husk inside me is no different to my black and charred heart that burns in my chest charred by a thousand flaming arrows from cupids cursed bow. Oh wait actually I’ve still got some pop-tarts left, I’ll just eat those.”


thechaser--2020-04-30--John Howard now 90% eyebrow following 3 weeks without barber visit

Former Australian Prime Minister and part time garden gnome John Winston Howard has today invested in a new pair of garden shears after a three week break in barber visits rendered him unable to see where he was walking due to his overgrown eyebrows .
Despite initially promising his wife Janette that he would be visiting the barbers last Monday , Howard reportedly reneged on the plans , declaring it was never a core promise .
Instead the former Prime Minister has spent the last three weeks locked in his office with his collection of ‘ the best of Donald @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a day to rehydrate , collect snacks , and to check if there ’ s been any more overseas mass shootings that he can gloat about .
Asked whether attempting to write an entire comic article on the premise of somebody ’ s eyebrows was a stretch too fars , writers at the Chaser said it might well be possible that they have overestimated themselves , admitting that there is very little topical John Howard material left these days .
“ Yes now that I think about it , it really is a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ author .
“ Oh well , it ’ s a good thing nobody reads past the headline anyway .
”

Former Australian Prime Minister and part time garden gnome John Winston Howard has today invested in a new pair of garden shears after a three week break in barber visits rendered him unable to see where he was walking due to his overgrown eyebrows.
Despite initially promising his wife Janette that he would be visiting the barbers last Monday, Howard reportedly reneged on the plans, declaring it was never a core promise. Instead the former Prime Minister has spent the last three weeks locked in his office with his collection of ‘the best of Donald Bradman’ DVDs, emerging only once a day to rehydrate, collect snacks, and to check if there’s been any more overseas mass shootings that he can gloat about.
Asked whether attempting to write an entire comic article on the premise of somebody’s eyebrows was a stretch too fars, writers at the Chaser said it might well be possible that they have overestimated themselves, admitting that there is very little topical John Howard material left these days. “Yes now that I think about it, it really is a one joke article,” admitted the author. “Oh well, it’s a good thing nobody reads past the headline anyway.”


thechaser--2020-05-01--Injecting bleach cures coronavirus by killing you, confirms dead man

With a vaccine still at least a year away some people have turned to a kitchen cupboard remedy – with @ @ @ @ @ Trott confirmed yesterday that injecting bleach cured him of coronavirus by immediately killing him .
@ @ @ @ @ some politicians have warned the public not to ingest cleaning chemicals as a cure for @ @ @ @ @ other fucking reason .
Mr Trott ghostly soul said that after shooting up a fat @ @ @ @ @ use to clean hospital floors he was struck completely dead , effectively ridding himself of @ @ @ @ @ immunity .
“ I can now say for 100 % certain that I won ’ @ @ @ @ @ ” the dead man said .
“ Shooting up bleach not only cured me of @ @ @ @ @ my persistent diarrhoea .
For some reason I still have asthma , though.
” The @ @ @ @ @ laughed when I said I would give it a go , but who ’ s @ @ @ @ @ wife or my kids .
”

With a vaccine still at least a year away some people have turned to a kitchen cupboard remedy – with startlingly consistent results. Martin Trott confirmed yesterday that injecting bleach cured him of coronavirus by immediately killing him.
Health authorities, brands and some politicians have warned the public not to ingest cleaning chemicals as a cure for coronavirus, or for any other fucking reason.
Mr Trott ghostly soul said that after shooting up a fat syringe of the stuff they use to clean hospital floors he was struck completely dead, effectively ridding himself of coronavirus and providing him with immunity. “I can now say for 100% certain that I won’t die of coronavirus,” the dead man said.
“Shooting up bleach not only cured me of coronavirus, but also healed my persistent diarrhoea. For some reason I still have asthma, though.”
The former man said “People laughed when I said I would give it a go, but who’s laughing now? Not my wife or my kids.”


thechaser--2020-05-01--NSW eases restrictions – Sydneysiders return to voluntarily not going out

The state of NSW is expected to ease gathering restrictions tonight in order to allow Sydneysiders to return to not going out simply because they don ’ t want to .
“ I ’ m glad the government is no longer forcing me to stay in my home , ” explained one Sydney local Joe Smallman from his bedroom .
“ I was really sick of the government forcing me to do something I probably would have done anyway.
” “ Going out is fine if you ’ re one of those hip trendy Melbourne people , but I came @ @ @ @ @ @ @ work a soleless job at a bank , and to spend my weekends indoors coming up with excuses for my next brunch cancellation.
” Asked whether they will continue their new trend of going out at every opportunity , people who flocked to Bondi , Bunnings and the country ’ s various parks said that it was a no-brainer .
“ Of course we won ’ t !
The only reason we spent every available opportunity going out in public was because we were suddenly told not to , ” explained one man @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I have the option to meet up with my friends for some exercise under my own volition the idea sounds absolutely repulsive.
” Asked why he had decided to ease restrictions early , Prime Minister Scott Morrison said there was no particular reason , before excusing himself to get ready for tomorrow ’ s Hillsong conference .

The state of NSW is expected to ease gathering restrictions tonight in order to allow Sydneysiders to return to not going out simply because they don’t want to.
“I’m glad the government is no longer forcing me to stay in my home,” explained one Sydney local Joe Smallman from his bedroom. “I was really sick of the government forcing me to do something I probably would have done anyway.”
“Going out is fine if you’re one of those hip trendy Melbourne people, but I came to Sydney for two reasons – to work a soleless job at a bank, and to spend my weekends indoors coming up with excuses for my next brunch cancellation.”
Asked whether they will continue their new trend of going out at every opportunity, people who flocked to Bondi, Bunnings and the country’s various parks said that it was a no-brainer. “Of course we won’t! The only reason we spent every available opportunity going out in public was because we were suddenly told not to,” explained one man returning from Kmart. “Now that I have the option to meet up with my friends for some exercise under my own volition the idea sounds absolutely repulsive.”
Asked why he had decided to ease restrictions early, Prime Minister Scott Morrison said there was no particular reason, before excusing himself to get ready for tomorrow’s Hillsong conference.


thechaser--2020-05-01--Braindead Kim Jong Un drafted into NRL

Braindead Kim Jong Un drafted into NRL

North Korean dictator and vegetable Kim Jong Un has today announced as the latest recruit drafted into the NRL after selectors heard that he has no detectable brain activity whatsoever , impressing selectors who said he is exactly what they ’ re looking for in a player .
“ Have you recently uploaded any incriminating evidence to a popular social media platform , taken a photo of yourself draped with women at your house during a pandemic , leaked a sex tape , assaulted a partner , been arrested after assaulting a bouncer in Arizona , got busted for speeding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then tried to convince a team-mate to swap urine samples , taken detectable performance enhancing substances , bit a woman on the leg , stole someone ’ s watch , threatened to smash a referee on camera , overdosed on prescription drugs , broke into a New York apartment before being caught on camera punching a hole in the wall , simulated a sex act on a dog , mixed prescription drugs with energy drinks in an attempt to get high , posted pictures of yourself dining with a notorious bikie , tried @ @ @ @ @ @ @ poured a drink over your girlfriend in an argument , kept money from a charity auction , bet against your own team , had a salacious story leaked about you and your teammates after you refused to pay child support , accused your teammate of drugging their children without evidence , tried to escape police after being caught driving without a licence , got caught dancing naked in the street , or had a sex tape leak ?
” selectors asked the lifeless corpse .
“ I ’ ll just take that silence @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Informed that the North Korean dictator is literally braindead and not just an idiot who would snort coke in a TikTok video , recruiters said that ’ s even better .
“ God if he can ’ t move , speak , or lift his arms imagine all the headaches that will save us off the field , ” explained one recruiter for the Roosters , “ and to be honest it won ’ t make much of a difference to the quality of our chances of winning.
” Informed that Kim @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the deaths of thousands , the NRL said they were deeply concerned by the news and would be issuing a $ 2000 fine as well as a good behaviour bond which will require Kim to attend two anger management sessions .

North Korean dictator and vegetable Kim Jong Un has today announced as the latest recruit drafted into the NRL after selectors heard that he has no detectable brain activity whatsoever, impressing selectors who said he is exactly what they’re looking for in a player.
“Have you recently uploaded any incriminating evidence to a popular social media platform, taken a photo of yourself draped with women at your house during a pandemic, leaked a sex tape, assaulted a partner, been arrested after assaulting a bouncer in Arizona, got busted for speeding while under the influence, taken drugs then tried to convince a team-mate to swap urine samples, taken detectable performance enhancing substances, bit a woman on the leg, stole someone’s watch, threatened to smash a referee on camera, overdosed on prescription drugs, broke into a New York apartment before being caught on camera punching a hole in the wall, simulated a sex act on a dog, mixed prescription drugs with energy drinks in an attempt to get high, posted pictures of yourself dining with a notorious bikie, tried to do drugs in a casino, poured a drink over your girlfriend in an argument, kept money from a charity auction, bet against your own team, had a salacious story leaked about you and your teammates after you refused to pay child support, accused your teammate of drugging their children without evidence, tried to escape police after being caught driving without a licence, got caught dancing naked in the street, or had a sex tape leak?” selectors asked the lifeless corpse. “I’ll just take that silence as a no. Welcome aboard!”
Informed that the North Korean dictator is literally braindead and not just an idiot who would snort coke in a TikTok video, recruiters said that’s even better. “God if he can’t move, speak, or lift his arms imagine all the headaches that will save us off the field,” explained one recruiter for the Roosters, “and to be honest it won’t make much of a difference to the quality of our chances of winning.”
Informed that Kim was actually a brutal monster responsible for the deaths of thousands, the NRL said they were deeply concerned by the news and would be issuing a $2000 fine as well as a good behaviour bond which will require Kim to attend two anger management sessions.


thechaser--2020-05-01--Home worker with kids successfully completing almost 5 minutes of work a day

Local father of three Richard Blank has today celebrated a new milestone in home-working success after he managed to go a whole 2 minutes before being distracted by a small child trying to climb up a bookcase .
“ Yes you see the projections for this quarter are growing consider… BAILEY PUT DOWN THAT VASE , ” Richard told colleagues today over Zoom .
“ By which of course I mean they are growing considerably well considering EMMILY STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER.
” Richard ’ s new record in writing almost three sentences in a word doc before having to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their hand in a blender comes off the back of an already successful morning in which he successfully managed to convince his eldest child Cooper to complete almost one tenth of his assigned schoolwork for the day by sitting directly next to him and telling him off every twenty seconds for getting distracted .
“ Yes now how do you spell the word ‘ Television ’ ?
No don ’ t look at the television , just write down the EMILY NOT NOW .
Oh god my phone ’ s ringing hold on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Hello ?
Oh hi Brad no sorry I haven ’ t looked at my emails ye… BAILEY THE SOFA IS NOT A TRAMPOLINE.
” Asked whether he was looking forward to his children going back to school next term , Richard said that he ’ d get back to us before sprinting after his youngest child who had just run off with the fish bowl .

Local father of three Richard Blank has today celebrated a new milestone in home-working success after he managed to go a whole 2 minutes before being distracted by a small child trying to climb up a bookcase.
“Yes you see the projections for this quarter are growing consider… BAILEY PUT DOWN THAT VASE,” Richard told colleagues today over Zoom. “By which of course I mean they are growing considerably well considering EMMILY STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER.”
Richard’s new record in writing almost three sentences in a word doc before having to rush to prevent his child from putting their hand in a blender comes off the back of an already successful morning in which he successfully managed to convince his eldest child Cooper to complete almost one tenth of his assigned schoolwork for the day by sitting directly next to him and telling him off every twenty seconds for getting distracted. “Yes now how do you spell the word ‘Television’? No don’t look at the television, just write down the EMILY NOT NOW. Oh god my phone’s ringing hold on Cooper I have to take this. Hello? Oh hi Brad no sorry I haven’t looked at my emails ye… BAILEY THE SOFA IS NOT A TRAMPOLINE.”
Asked whether he was looking forward to his children going back to school next term, Richard said that he’d get back to us before sprinting after his youngest child who had just run off with the fish bowl.


thechaser--2020-05-01--Dutton changes stance on Cook after learning he was a boat travelling migrant who refused to adapt t

Home Affairs Minister and aspiring authoritarian dictator Peter Dutton has today walked back comments calling for the sacking of a public servant for insulting Captain Cook , after learning that the Endeavour voyage was a boat full of immigrants who travelled in violent gangs and refused to adapt to the local culture .
“ I have now learned that Cook wasn ’ t even an Australian citizen , and was simply an economic migrant looking to strip the locals ’ hard earned wealth , ” explained Dutton .
“ I ’ m led to believe he was so un-Australian he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Bradman was !
” “ Furthermore , I ’ ve learned that Cook and his compatriots formed a traveling gang who terrorised local communities with gun violence and they sought to set up cannabis plantations , which is exactly what you ’ d expect from a bunch of no good migrants , ” continued Dutton .
“ To this day Aboriginal people in Melbourne are afraid to go out , lest they be subject to violence from the descendants of these gangs.
” “ God , next you ’ ll be telling me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ violent criminals who were sent to an island detention centre , ” exclaimed Dutton , “ and that Australia day celebrates boat people !
”

Dutton changes stance on Cook after learning he was a boat travelling migrant who refused to adapt to the local culture
Home Affairs Minister and aspiring authoritarian dictator Peter Dutton has today walked back comments calling for the sacking of a public servant for insulting Captain Cook, after learning that the Endeavour voyage was a boat full of immigrants who travelled in violent gangs and refused to adapt to the local culture. “I have now learned that Cook wasn’t even an Australian citizen, and was simply an economic migrant looking to strip the locals’ hard earned wealth,” explained Dutton. “I’m led to believe he was so un-Australian he didn’t even know who Donald Bradman was!”
“Furthermore, I’ve learned that Cook and his compatriots formed a traveling gang who terrorised local communities with gun violence and they sought to set up cannabis plantations, which is exactly what you’d expect from a bunch of no good migrants,” continued Dutton. “To this day Aboriginal people in Melbourne are afraid to go out, lest they be subject to violence from the descendants of these gangs.”
“God, next you’ll be telling me the first fleet were a bunch of violent criminals who were sent to an island detention centre,” exclaimed Dutton, “and that Australia day celebrates boat people!”


thechaser--2020-05-01--Peter Dutton fails to declare his Transylvanian castle to Parliament

Resident parliamentary poltergeist Peter Dutton has today apologised to the public for a “ momentary lapse in judgement ” that saw the nation ’ s most high ranking bogeyman fail to declare a property he owns in the parliamentary register .
However , Dutton has explained that it was simply a lapse of memory that caused him to forget about the haunted Transylvanian castle , given that Dutton had purchased it many centuries before he became a member of parliament .
“ Oh goodness I thought that particular castle was taken by the Ottomans when they invaded , ” Peter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t haunted those hallways in eight lifetimes.
” Dutton has now amended the register of interests to include the moated castle in his list of financial holdings , along with other new entries such as the collection of torture devices in the basement , and the priceless antique oak coffin which mysteriously vanishes and reappears from time to time .
“ Hmm , is the weeping mirror a personal or business property ?
” Dutton could be heard muttering as he amended his taxes .
“ Oh I guess I ’ ll just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s used to lure in lost wandering strangers in the night .
”

Peter Dutton, the only politician to request exclusively working the Canberra night shift, has been caught out failing to declare his ownership of a medieval Transylvanian castle.
When asked by investigative journalists if it was simple human error, Dutton replied, ‘Yes… Human error… Definitely a “human” error,’ while oddly emphasising the word ‘”human” with air quotes. Dutton strongly denied requests to swear it was an error on the bible, flinching away as one was produced, turning into a screeching bat and flying away into the horizon as dawn approached.
‘He hasn’t been there in centuries so it’s understandable he forgot about it,’ his office confirmed on Saturday morning after Dutton’s sudden departure, ‘We’d ask him in “person” when the last time he was there but he’s currently in a deep sleep and it’s a real pain in the neck trying to wake him up.’
After being told that he must declare all properties, Australian and foreign based, Dutton had previously seemed shocked and disappointed in himself.
Surprised he could learn something new after centuries of immortality, Dutton promised to do some soul searching but stressed it was other people’s souls he would be searching for.


thechaser--2020-05-01--Minister who forgot about owning house luckily still remembered to negatively gear it

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has reacted with horror today after it was revealed that it took Peter Dutton years to declare a million dollar house to Federal parliament .
Mr Morrison was aghast that Dutton would be so irresponsible to forego years worth of negative gearing tax deductions on the property .
However , Dutton has defended himself against allegations of sloppiness , after pointing out that he actually did remember to negatively gear the property immediately , even while forgetting that he ’ d even bought the property .
“ It ’ s the strangest thing , ” he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I couldn ’ t figure out why I was hardly paying any tax at all on my huge parliamentary salary , and then I remembered it was because I own so many investment properties .
So I looked it up , and that ’ s when I realised that I ’ d bought this house .
You know how these things happen – I ’ m sure forgetting that you own a house is a common experience for the average person.
” Dutton now owns eight houses , which is seven @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more than anyone under 30 .
Earlier this year , Morrison ’ s government , most of whom own multiple houses , ruled out any changes to the system which allows extra tax deductions for people who own multiple houses , the reason for which is anyone ’ s guess .

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has reacted with horror today after it was revealed that it took Peter Dutton years to declare a million dollar house to Federal parliament. Mr Morrison was aghast that Dutton would be so irresponsible to forego years worth of negative gearing tax deductions on the property.
However, Dutton has defended himself against allegations of sloppiness, after pointing out that he actually did remember to negatively gear the property immediately, even while forgetting that he’d even bought the property.
“It’s the strangest thing,” he told the ABC’s Insiders program. “I couldn’t figure out why I was hardly paying any tax at all on my huge parliamentary salary, and then I remembered it was because I own so many investment properties. So I looked it up, and that’s when I realised that I’d bought this house. You know how these things happen – I’m sure forgetting that you own a house is a common experience for the average person.”
Dutton now owns eight houses, which is seven more than he needs, and eight more than anyone under 30.
Earlier this year, Morrison’s government, most of whom own multiple houses, ruled out any changes to the system which allows extra tax deductions for people who own multiple houses, the reason for which is anyone’s guess.


thechaser--2020-05-02--Experts warn death toll from stampede to the pub could exceed COVID-19

While Australians the country over begin to froth at the prospect of returning to the pub for the sweet embrace of a delicious cold pint , experts are sending a dire warning to leaders that “ the cure can ’ t be worse than the disease.
” Despite Australia ’ s response to COVID-19 being held in global high regard for our sub-100 death toll , Nobel prize winning scientist Howard Von Wolf has told the nation to not count their chickens just yet , insisting that “ the virus is not the final boss.
” “ Picture a kid @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the air .
Now picture releasing the gates on 20 million starving wolves.
” Howard believes that the first Friday night of the pubs re-opening in Australia could present an unprecedented catastrophe the likes of which the world has never seen .
“ I ’ m stingin ’ for one straight off the wood so bad I ’ d be willing to wring out the mat from the Star Bar counter .
It ’ s going to make the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona look like a ferret race.
” Howard @ @ @ @ @ @ @ months attempting to extrapolate what the potential carnage may look like using an advanced AI-modelling system , but when we were presented this it was just YouTube videos of him playing Total War : Medieval 2 .
When asked exactly what kind of impact we might expect , Howard simply said , “ Legends say that Genghis Khan once took out nearly 2 million people in a single hour .
Imagine if he ’ d gone without a Parma for 2 months beforehand ” before slumping deep in his chair .
When prompted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a violent riot , Howard just stared blankly into the abyss for 12 seconds before looking deep into my soul and whispering : “ Oh , I ’ ll be there .
I ’ ll be there first one over the trench .
”

While Australians the country over begin to froth at the prospect of returning to the pub for the sweet embrace of a delicious cold pint, experts are sending a dire warning to leaders that “the cure can’t be worse than the disease.”
Despite Australia’s response to COVID-19 being held in global high regard for our sub-100 death toll, Nobel prize winning scientist Howard Von Wolf has told the nation to not count their chickens just yet, insisting that “the virus is not the final boss.”
“Picture a kid walking around the MCG holding a pie in the air. Now picture releasing the gates on 20 million starving wolves.”
“It’s gonna be a fucking bloodbath.”
Howard believes that the first Friday night of the pubs re-opening in Australia could present an unprecedented catastrophe the likes of which the world has never seen.
“I’m stingin’ for one straight off the wood so bad I’d be willing to wring out the mat from the Star Bar counter. It’s going to make the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona look like a ferret race.”
Howard has been spending the last couple of months attempting to extrapolate what the potential carnage may look like using an advanced AI-modelling system, but when we were presented this it was just YouTube videos of him playing Total War: Medieval 2.
When asked exactly what kind of impact we might expect, Howard simply said, “Legends say that Genghis Khan once took out nearly 2 million people in a single hour. Imagine if he’d gone without a Parma for 2 months beforehand” before slumping deep in his chair.
When prompted what his plans were to avoid such a violent riot, Howard just stared blankly into the abyss for 12 seconds before looking deep into my soul and whispering:
“Oh, I’ll be there. I’ll be there first one over the trench.”


thechaser--2020-05-02--Dole bludging foreigner asks government for handout despite secret billions

A bludging foreigner has reportedly rorted the government for over $ 50 million in order to fund his newspaper addiction , despite reportedly being worth over $ 16 billion dollars .
Despite recently telling the government he no longer has any money to pay his employees , reporters traveling to the house of the dodgy businessman known in his community as Rupert Murdoch , found he reportedly lives in a lavish mansion with many expensive cars and even his own maid .
Not only that , but the man is also reportedly a serial adulterer , having children with no @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know about .
The dodgy scam artist , who was known to have taken an entire year off work last year to pop pills and sit around watching TV , reportedly has his whole family in on the grift , with sons Lachlan and James both equally as happy to sit around while milking the public purse to fund their newspapers by taking welfare meant for hard working Australians .
Instead of constantly rorting the government every time he needs to enter a new broadcast market , maybe it ’ s time this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like the rest of us instead of turning to the government every time he needs a hand out .

A bludging foreigner has been caught out this week rorting the government for over $90 million, despite secretly living a lavish lifestyle of steak dinners and frequent overseas holidays. Recently telling the government he no longer has any money to pay his employees, reporters traveling to the house of the dodgy businessman known in his community as Rupert Murdoch, found he actually lives in a lavish mansion with many expensive cars and even his own maid, despite telling the government he needs cash handouts to make it through the week.
Not only that, but the man is also reportedly a serial adulterer, having children with no less than three different women that we know about.
The dodgy scam artist, who was known to have taken an entire year off work last year to pop pills and sit around watching TV, reportedly has his whole family in on the grift, with sons Lachlan and James both equally as happy to sit around reading the newspaper, while milking the public purse to fund their lifestyles by taking welfare meant for hard working Australians.
Instead of constantly rorting the government every time he needs to enter a new broadcast market, maybe it’s time this scam artists got a hard working job like the rest of us instead of turning to the government every time he needs a hand out.


thechaser--2020-05-04--Trump abandons war on corona, citing bone spurs

America ’ s wartime President Donald Trump has today thrown in the towel after a gruelling two weeks without a golf holiday , with Trump declaring defeat by the invisible enemy after he tried nothing for months without result .
“ With drinking bleach out of the picture I ’ m afraid we ’ re all out of solutions , ” explained Trump during a rambling 12 hour press conference today .
“ We tried it all folks , sunlight , detergent , hell I even suggested they try heating people to boiling point for an hour to kill the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ down by scientists as ‘ unworkable ’ and ‘ insane ’ .
” As a result Trump has declared that he is reopening all states , before being informed that he does not have that power , and also he was the one that wanted them closed in the first place .
“ What kind of an idiot would want to shut down America like this ?
” raged Trump .
“ Oh I did it , well what a genius move then .
Very smart .
My Uncle went to the MET @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a very good um you know what .
You know , the head filling thingy.
” Trumps bone spurs miraculously healed an hour later after he was spotted playing gold at Mar A Lago

America’s wartime President Donald Trump has today thrown in the towel after a gruelling two weeks without a golf holiday, with Trump declaring defeat by the invisible enemy after he tried nothing for months without result.
“With drinking bleach out of the picture I’m afraid we’re all out of solutions,” explained Trump during a rambling 12 hour press conference today. “We tried it all folks, sunlight, detergent, hell I even suggested they try heating people to boiling point for an hour to kill the virus but every solution has been shot down by scientists as ‘unworkable’ and ‘insane’.”
As a result Trump has declared that he is reopening all states, before being informed that he does not have that power, and also he was the one that wanted them closed in the first place. “What kind of an idiot would want to shut down America like this?” raged Trump. “Oh I did it, well what a genius move then. Very smart. My Uncle went to the MET you know? I’ve got a very good um you know what. You know, the head filling thingy.”
Trumps bone spurs miraculously healed an hour later after he was spotted playing gold at Mar A Lago


thechaser--2020-05-04--Woman comes forward accusing Bernie Sanders of trying to give her free healthcare

Shock revelations have rocked the United States Democrats today , following allegations that presidential candidate Bernie Sanders may be some kind of socialist .
The allegations landed following a New York Times investigation that compiled reports from hundreds of women that say Sanders has at one point messaged them offering them free healthcare in exchange for their support .
The allegations that Sanders may be some kind of socialist are believed to have badly damaged his chances of winning against a pool of much more electable sex offenders .
“ That sick bastard , ” said one Democrat this afternoon @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ d never vote for such a twisted man .
Why can ’ t he just be like normal centrist politicians and molest someone while voting to give billionaires more tax breaks.
” The allegations are said to be the final killing blow to the Sanders campaign , which has already been neutered by suggestions that Sanders may be lucid and able to talk in complete sentences .
“ Clearly as we can see with Biden and Trump what America really wants is a sex offender with very obvious signs of mental decline @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ America doesn ’ t want someone who ’ s going to come in and fix the crippled healthcare system that is currently killing thousands of people as a virus ravages the populace .
What they want is someone who forgets what they ’ re talking about halfway through a sentence , or who suggests they drink bleach in a sundowning daze as the country slowly tears itself apart at the seams.
” Sanders was unable to be contacted for comment at the time of publication , probably due to a prior commitment @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feeding the poor ’ ritual or some other such sick socialist passtime

Shock revelations have rocked the United States Democrats today, following allegations that presidential candidate Bernie Sanders may be some kind of socialist. The allegations landed following a New York Times investigation that compiled reports from hundreds of women that say Sanders has at one point messaged them offering them free healthcare in exchange for their support.
The allegations that Sanders may be some kind of socialist are believed to have badly damaged his chances of winning against a pool of much more electable sex offenders.
“That sick bastard,” said one Democrat this afternoon upon hearing the news. “I’d never vote for such a twisted man. Why can’t he just be like normal centrist politicians and molest someone while voting to give billionaires more tax breaks.”
The allegations are said to be the final killing blow to the Sanders campaign, which has already been neutered by suggestions that Sanders may be lucid and able to talk in complete sentences.
“Clearly as we can see with Biden and Trump what America really wants is a sex offender with very obvious signs of mental decline,” explained one CNN pundit. “America doesn’t want someone who’s going to come in and fix the crippled healthcare system that is currently killing thousands of people as a virus ravages the populace. What they want is someone who forgets what they’re talking about halfway through a sentence, or who suggests they drink bleach in a sundowning daze as the country slowly tears itself apart at the seams.”
Sanders was unable to be contacted for comment at the time of publication, probably due to a prior commitment to attend some kind of satanic ‘feeding the poor’ ritual or some other such sick socialist passtime


thechaser--2020-05-05--Kim Jong Un ‘death’ revealed as Jackass 4 promo stunt

The ‘ death ’ of North Korea ’ s leader has been revealed as a stunt to promote the upcoming Jackass movie .
Kim Jong Un had been hiding in a wardrobe for fourteen days , allowing for international speculation to build , before bursting out of the door on Chris Pontius ’ back wearing a hat bearing the name of the movie .
After exiting the hideaway cameras caught Jong Un and Pontius getting in a golf cart and driving it into a pond .
Original Jackass member Johnny Knoxville said “ We ’ re humbled that Dear Respected @ @ @ @ @ @ @ take part in the stunt .
We had to steer him away from an idea where he executed Raab himself with a giant ‘ Jackass 4 ’ sword , but once he was on board he loved it .
“ Turns out that , as well as basketball and violence , he ’ s a huge fan of physical comedy.
” Another promo , in which Steve-O vomited into Angela Merkel ’ s mouth while he was dressed as a mother bird and she as a baby bird , was vetoed due to @ @ @ @ @

The ‘death’ of North Korea’s leader has been revealed as a stunt to promote the upcoming Jackass movie. Kim Jong Un had been hiding in a wardrobe for fourteen days, allowing for international speculation to build, before bursting out of the door on Chris Pontius’ back wearing a hat bearing the name of the movie.
After exiting the hideaway cameras caught Jong Un and Pontius getting in a golf cart and driving it into a pond.
Original Jackass member Johnny Knoxville said “We’re humbled that Dear Respected Supreme Leader of North Korea agreed to take part in the stunt. We had to steer him away from an idea where he executed Raab himself with a giant ‘Jackass 4’ sword, but once he was on board he loved it.
“Turns out that, as well as basketball and violence, he’s a huge fan of physical comedy.”
Another promo, in which Steve-O vomited into Angela Merkel’s mouth while he was dressed as a mother bird and she as a baby bird, was vetoed due to concerns around the coronavirus.


thechaser--2020-05-05--English teacher fired after Zoom meeting reveals Dan Brown collection

Scandal has engulfed a Brisbane high school after a senior teacher of Literature , Rodney Jankins , was stood down for owning the complete works of airport novel whore , Dan Brown .
The horrifying discovery was made by English Head of Department , Edward Morrison , during an online faculty meeting , causing him to spit take a mouthful of his non-fat latte with soy milk and caramel drizzle across the screen of his laptop .
Afterward , Morrison was heard gasping , “ Rodney , is that Angels & Demons !
?
” , between spasms of dry-retching @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an attempt to appear more academic during the Zoom meeting with his colleagues , Jankin ’ s decision to strategically position his laptop with his personal library in the background appears to have cost him his job .
On the meticulously alphabetised bookshelf , Brown ’ s entire back catalogue – including his debut novel , Digital Fortress , that absolutely no one read – was clearly seen sandwiched with anal retentiveness between a leather bound copy of French novelist Honore de Balzac ’ s magnum opus The Human Comedy and the once @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Anthony Burgess .
“ I ’ d rather share a pint of milk in dystopian England with the sadomachistic Alex than spend one long minute having my ear chewed off by Harvard know-it-all and God ’ s gift to bookish women , Robert Langdon , ” opined Morrison .
To make matters even worse , upon closer inspection , each novel was a movie tie-in edition , and some displayed evidence of being annotated .
Upon seeing the collection , a colleague of Jankins ’ said , “ I always knew there was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ realise it was his ‘ Tom Hanks in Inferno ’ inspired wardrobe .
This revelation has sent shockwaves through the school .
“ Being a teacher is all about credibility , and no high school student is going to respect their English teacher if he enjoys novels with chapters that are only two pages long , ” stated Morrison .
“ But seriously , ” he continued , “ I can understand going to bed with a copy of The Da Vinci Code – that was a worldwide sensation with which we all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stand – but snuggling up with The Lost Code in paperback ?
That ’ s just sick , especially when I see he had a perfectly good copy of Nabokov ’ s classic Lolita in his collection.
” After Jankin ’ s was unceremoniously excused from the meeting , the remaining English teachers returned to fiercely debating which novel should be added to the newly revised Year 8 curriculum : Twilight or Fifty Shades of Grey .

Scandal has engulfed a Brisbane high school after a senior teacher of Literature, Rodney Jankins, was stood down for owning the complete works of airport novel whore, Dan Brown. The horrifying discovery was made by English Head of Department, Edward Morrison, during an online faculty meeting, causing him to spit take a mouthful of his non-fat latte with soy milk and caramel drizzle across the screen of his laptop. Afterward, Morrison was heard gasping, “Rodney, is that Angels & Demons!?”, between spasms of dry-retching into a nearby wastepaper basket.
In an attempt to appear more academic during the Zoom meeting with his colleagues, Jankin’s decision to strategically position his laptop with his personal library in the background appears to have cost him his job. On the meticulously alphabetised bookshelf, Brown’s entire back catalogue – including his debut novel, Digital Fortress, that absolutely no one read – was clearly seen sandwiched with anal retentiveness between a leather bound copy of French novelist Honore de Balzac’s magnum opus The Human Comedy and the once banned salacious novel A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess. “I’d rather share a pint of milk in dystopian England with the sadomachistic Alex than spend one long minute having my ear chewed off by Harvard know-it-all and God’s gift to bookish women, Robert Langdon,” opined Morrison. To make matters even worse, upon closer inspection, each novel was a movie tie-in edition, and some displayed evidence of being annotated.
Upon seeing the collection, a colleague of Jankins’ said, “I always knew there was something off about Rod and now I realise it was his ‘Tom Hanks in Inferno’ inspired wardrobe.
This revelation has sent shockwaves through the school. “Being a teacher is all about credibility, and no high school student is going to respect their English teacher if he enjoys novels with chapters that are only two pages long,” stated Morrison. “But seriously,” he continued, “I can understand going to bed with a copy of The Da Vinci Code – that was a worldwide sensation with which we all had a guilty, sordid one night stand – but snuggling up with The Lost Code in paperback? That’s just sick, especially when I see he had a perfectly good copy of Nabokov’s classic Lolita in his collection.”
After Jankin’s was unceremoniously excused from the meeting, the remaining English teachers returned to fiercely debating which novel should be added to the newly revised Year 8 curriculum: Twilight or Fifty Shades of Grey.


thechaser--2020-05-05--New McCarriageworks promises to honour venue’s cultural legacy

The NSW Government has announced an exciting new direction for culture in Sydney , with a new McCarriageworks set to bring paying crowds to the huge venue at last .
In keeping with McDonald ’ s strict aesthetic standards , the enormous railway workshop will have a standard , low-ceiling restaurant installed , with plastic and plywood finishes instead of Carriageworks ’ iconic monumental brickwork .
Though 95 % of the venue ’ s space will now be used as a car park , the restaurant will generate more revenue than the highbrow exhibitions and theatre projects that used to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ We acknowledge Carriageworks ’ history , and will continue holding important art exhibitions ” , the company ’ s Australian CEO Andrew Gregory said .
“ Like , which five-year-old did the best job of colouring in our placemat of Ronald ’ s trip to McHappyland ?
” The space will still provide valuable opportunities for arts professionals , who will be able to express themselves through making burgers .
“ Subway may call its staff ‘ sandwich artists ’ , ” Gregory said .
“ But our staff are all Archibald @ @ @ @ @ @ @ community that McCarriageworks ’ legacy of cutting-edge performances will also be honoured , ” Gregory said .
“ Our NIDA-trained cleaner will dress up as Ronald for children ’ s parties .
”

The NSW Government has announced an exciting new direction for culture in Sydney, with a new McCarriageworks set to bring paying crowds to the huge venue at last.
In keeping with McDonald’s strict aesthetic standards, the enormous railway workshop will have a standard, low-ceiling restaurant installed, with plastic and plywood finishes instead of Carriageworks’ iconic monumental brickwork. Though 95% of the venue’s space will now be used as a car park, the restaurant will generate more revenue than the highbrow exhibitions and theatre projects that used to waste such a profitable commercial site.
“We acknowledge Carriageworks’ history, and will continue holding important art exhibitions”, the company’s Australian CEO Andrew Gregory said. “Like, which five-year-old did the best job of colouring in our placemat of Ronald’s trip to McHappyland?”
The space will still provide valuable opportunities for arts professionals, who will be able to express themselves through making burgers. “Subway may call its staff ‘sandwich artists’,” Gregory said. “But our staff are all Archibald winners.”
“We assure the arts community that McCarriageworks’ legacy of cutting-edge performances will also be honoured,” Gregory said. “Our NIDA-trained cleaner will dress up as Ronald for children’s parties.”


thechaser--2020-05-06--Jacinda Ardern declares travel with Australia could have “huge idvintiges”

New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinta Ardern has doubled down on her campaign to promote tourism between New Zealand and Australia , declaring that it came with “ huge idvintiges thet wld si both our iconomies boom.
” During a media conference conducted over Zoom , the Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison nodded politely at Ms Ardern as she made her statement , desperately hoping that to be in the mere presence of the New Zealand leader would somehow make him appear at least somewhat competent .
But the New Zealand Prime Minister warned Australians “ agisnst jumping to cinclusions about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that it was important to “ not let racist statemints from the US Prisident teke control of the nerritive ” .
Ms Ardern ’ s comments come just a day after she joined the National Cabinet meeting , with many observers hoping she would launch a coup and take over the country .
However , insiders say that it quickly became apparent the language barrier between the two nations made it impossible .
A spokesperson for Mr Morrison said he is waiting to find out what the hell she said before he responds @ @ @ @

Image shamelessly stolen from the New Daily
New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinta Ardern has doubled down on her campaign to promote tourism between New Zealand and Australia, declaring that it came with “huge idvintiges thet wld si both our iconomies boom.”
During a media conference conducted over Zoom, the Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison nodded politely at Ms Ardern as she made her statement, desperately hoping that to be in the mere presence of the New Zealand leader would somehow make him appear at least somewhat competent.
But the New Zealand Prime Minister warned Australians “agisnst jumping to cinclusions about the source of the virus” saying that it was important to “not let racist statemints from the US Prisident teke control of the nerritive”.
Ms Ardern’s comments come just a day after she joined the National Cabinet meeting, with many observers hoping she would launch a coup and take over the country. However, insiders say that it quickly became apparent the language barrier between the two nations made it impossible.
A spokesperson for Mr Morrison said he is waiting to find out what the hell she said before he responds to her comments.


thechaser--2020-05-06--Bogan stuck in Bali running out of space for tattoos

A bogan from Perth is running out of spare skin after an unexpected six weeks in Bali due to the coronavirus lockdown .
Troy Butters has been adhering to the standard one tattoo every three days or twenty drinks ( whichever comes first ) rule , and is now having to consider his face , palms and anus .
The tattoo industry in Bali represents around 50 % of its irreversible skin damage exports , with scooter accidents making up the rest .
Speaking over the deafening crackle of dry scabs and clingfilm , Butters said “ This is killing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just had another 18 Bintangs so I ’ m almost due for another tat .
It ’ s either got ta go on me hoop or me face , and it ’ s gon na have to be a bloody mouse or something because I ’ ve gone through most of the zoo already.
” Asked about what he ’ d had done so far , Butters listed a plethora of animals , abstract nouns and meaningless phrases , with a West Coast Eagles logo thrown in for good measure .
Gingerly walking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ continued “ I even had to get one for my Nan and she ’ s not even dead yet .
I just had to guess the date .
I ’ m fucked if she goes past 2022 .
”

A bogan from Perth is running out of spare skin after an unexpected six weeks in Bali due to the coronavirus lockdown. Troy Butters has been adhering to the standard one tattoo every three days or twenty drinks (whichever comes first) rule, and is now having to consider his face, palms and anus.
The tattoo industry in Bali represents around 50% of its irreversible skin damage exports, with scooter accidents making up the rest.
Speaking over the deafening crackle of dry scabs and clingfilm, Butters said “This is killing me, mate. I’ve just had another 18 Bintangs so I’m almost due for another tat. It’s either gotta go on me hoop or me face, and it’s gonna have to be a bloody mouse or something because I’ve gone through most of the zoo already.”
Asked about what he’d had done so far, Butters listed a plethora of animals, abstract nouns and meaningless phrases, with a West Coast Eagles logo thrown in for good measure.
Gingerly walking to the hotel room fridge, Butters continued “I even had to get one for my Nan and she’s not even dead yet. I just had to guess the date. I’m fucked if she goes past 2022.”


thechaser--2020-05-06--China confirms it has a picture of Twiggy Forrest’s dick

China has revealed what they have on Andrew ‘ Twiggy ’ Forrest , and it is a picture of his dick .
The Chinese embassy confirmed it had the picture in a safe place , with copies with a solicitor in case anything happens to the original .
It is not known where China acquired the ‘ kompromat ’ on the West Australian mining magnate , only that the image shows Forrest on the soft .
It is not , therefore , believed to have come from a lover .
Experts have speculated the image may be the reason Forrest @ @ @ @ @ @ @ unrelated press conference this week .
Asked about the existence of the image , Forrest said “ I ’ m called ‘ Twiggy ’ because I used to have bony legs .
It ’ s not because of my thin dick .
I don ’ t have a thin dick .
Who told you that ?
Zhou Yongkang ?
Yang Jiechi ?
Hu Chunhua ?
” “ I invited that bloke to the press conference because he ’ s my good mate , not because of any so-called picture of my dick .
@

China has revealed what they have on Andrew ‘Twiggy’ Forrest, and it is a picture of his dick. The Chinese embassy confirmed it had the picture in a safe place, with copies with a solicitor in case anything happens to the original.
It is not known where China acquired the ‘kompromat’ on the West Australian mining magnate, only that the image shows Forrest on the soft. It is not, therefore, believed to have come from a lover.
Experts have speculated the image may be the reason Forrest invited a senior Chinese official to an unrelated press conference this week.
Asked about the existence of the image, Forrest said “I’m called ‘Twiggy’ because I used to have bony legs. It’s not because of my thin dick. I don’t have a thin dick. Who told you that? Zhou Yongkang? Yang Jiechi? Hu Chunhua?”
“I invited that bloke to the press conference because he’s my good mate, not because of any so-called picture of my dick.”
“Was it Guo Shengkun?”


thechaser--2020-05-08--“Facemask would make me look stupid” claims 70 year old with a spraytan

Full time golfer and part time United States President Donald Trump has today refused to wear a facemask while touring sterile medical facilities , claiming that wearing a piece of fabric over his face during a pandemic would cause the obese spraytanned 70 year old with a combover to look stupid .
“ How would people see the puckered look I do with my lips when I ’ m trying to pronounce China ?
” asked Trump while waddling to his latest press conference .
“ People would lose respect for me if they couldn ’ t see much luscious @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m actually saying.
” Instead , to retain his air of intelligence , the President who recently suggested filling people ’ s lungs with bleach opted to wear safety goggles , which everyone agreed was the much smarter choice in case the virus somehow missed his nose and mouth .
“ You know they say light cures the virus , so by wearing these glasses I ’ ll be trapping all the sunlight that enters my eyes as it won ’ t be able to get out again , ” explained Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , you know I ’ m very brain thingy about these things .
”

Full time golfer and part time United States President Donald Trump has today refused to wear a facemask while touring sterile medical facilities, claiming that wearing a piece of fabric over his face during a pandemic would cause the obese spraytanned 70 year old with a combover to look stupid.
“How would people see the puckered look I do with my lips when I’m trying to pronounce China?” asked Trump while waddling to his latest press conference. “People would lose respect for me if they couldn’t see much luscious lips forming three times the consonants I’m actually saying.”
Instead, to retain his air of intelligence, the President who recently suggested filling people’s lungs with bleach opted to wear safety goggles, which everyone agreed was the much smarter choice in case the virus somehow missed his nose and mouth. “You know they say light cures the virus, so by wearing these glasses I’ll be trapping all the sunlight that enters my eyes as it won’t be able to get out again,” explained Trump. “That’s just science, you know I’m very brain thingy about these things.”