thechaser--2020-05-25--White House unveils Trump Presidential Portrait

The White House has today unveiled its official portrait of golfer and part-time President Donald J. Trump at a ceremony in Washington DC .
Revealing the image chosen to capture the ‘ spirit and character ’ of the United States ’ 45th President , onlookers say they were pleasantly surprised how spot on the depiction was .
“ Look at the detailed way that the flames lap up the side of the dumpster as it throttles down a hill , ” commented one critic , “ and look how they perfectly captured the stink lines for the vile pool of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ base of the runaway dumpster fire.
” “ It ’ s as if Trump were here right now standing in front of us , but of course he ’ s not because he ’ s too busy watching Fox news in case they mention his name.
” Asked why he chose to depict Trump as a dumpster fire , the artist John Painter said he wanted to capture Trump ’ s controversial nature .
“ You know I really wanted to bottle the spirit of the guy who tried to blackmail the Ukranian @ @ @ @ @ @ @ political opponent , the guy who tweeted out that he has ‘ unmatched wisdom ’ while also mis-spelling words , who admitted to his crimes live on camera after denying they happened only days before , the guy who pulled troops out in the middle of a war without telling anyone , who used a sharpie to fake a weather map because he couldn ’ t admit to making a mistake , a guy who wanted to fill a 200 kilometre moat with snakes and crocodiles , and asked his staff to cost @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could fight coronavirus by injecting people with bleach , and then claimed he was being sarcastic despite having defended it only hours earlier .
A guy who said there are ‘ very good people on both sides ’ when asked about a Neo-Nazi rally where a woman was run over with a car .
A guy who was out playing golf when America reached 100,000 deaths due to a pandemic .
A guy who… well , how long have you got ?
” Donald Trump was contacted for a response to this story @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to a previous commitment to covfefe

The White House has today unveiled its official portrait of golfer and part-time President Donald J. Trump at a ceremony in Washington DC. Revealing the image chosen to capture the ‘spirit and character’ of the United States’ 45th President, onlookers say they were pleasantly surprised how spot on the depiction was.
“Look at the detailed way that the flames lap up the side of the dumpster as it throttles down a hill,” commented one critic, “and look how they perfectly captured the stink lines for the vile pool of tepid bin juice oozing out of the base of the runaway dumpster fire.”
“It’s as if Trump were here right now standing in front of us, but of course he’s not because he’s too busy watching Fox news in case they mention his name.”
Asked why he chose to depict Trump as a dumpster fire, the artist John Painter said he wanted to capture Trump’s controversial nature. “You know I really wanted to bottle the spirit of the guy who tried to blackmail the Ukranian President into creating dirt on his main political opponent, the guy who tweeted out that he has ‘unmatched wisdom’ while also mis-spelling words, who admitted to his crimes live on camera after denying they happened only days before, the guy who pulled troops out in the middle of a war without telling anyone, who used a sharpie to fake a weather map because he couldn’t admit to making a mistake, a guy who wanted to fill a 200 kilometre moat with snakes and crocodiles, and asked his staff to cost it. A guy who suggested we could fight coronavirus by injecting people with bleach, and then claimed he was being sarcastic despite having defended it only hours earlier. A guy who said there are ‘very good people on both sides’ when asked about a Neo-Nazi rally where a woman was run over with a car. A guy who was out playing golf when America reached 100,000 deaths due to a pandemic. A guy who… well, how long have you got?”
Donald Trump was contacted for a response to this story, but was unavailable to comment due to a previous commitment to covfefe


thechaser--2020-05-26--Morrison caught using Ctrl-F to replace ‘WorkChoices’ with ‘JobMaker’ on new laws

Scott Morrison has been caught using the find and replace function on his word processor to replace the word “ WorkChoices ” with “ JobMaker ” on his government ’ s economic recovery scheme that he unveiled today .
Mr Morrison justified the move , saying that he would have re-phrased a few paragraphs at the beginning to make it look like he wrote it himself , but he ran out of time .
Mr Morrison said the JobMaker scheme was designed to deliver jobs to unemployed Australians no matter how unbelieveably shit the working conditions were .
“ We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said Mr Morrison .
“ And the easiest way to do that , is to drive down working conditions so that companies can even compete with Bangladesh on making those great T-Shirts you buy for $ 2 at K-Mart.
” It is understood , at the heart of the scheme is a plan to allow employers to literally tear employees limb from limb as long as doing so is done in an employment relationship .
Mr Morrison noted that that clause was a hangover from WorkChoices legislation and he was willing to look @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Reith got a bit carried away by the end.
” Mr Morrison said that certain sectors would be especially targetted .
“ For the arts , we ’ ll be introducing the SandwichMaker scheme , which is the only job that ’ ll be available for them by the time we ’ ve finished with that industry.
” Earlier , Treasurer Josh Frydenberg announced that the JobMaker scheme would create 60 billion extra jobs by the end of the year .
“ I ’ ve had Treasury run the figures for me , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” he told the assembled media , which he estimated at around 350 million people .

Scott Morrison has been caught using the find and replace function on his word processor to replace the word “WorkChoices” with “JobMaker” on his government’s economic recovery scheme that he unveiled today.
Mr Morrison justified the move, saying that he would have re-phrased a few paragraphs at the beginning to make it look like he wrote it himself, but he ran out of time.
Mr Morrison said the JobMaker scheme was designed to deliver jobs to unemployed Australians no matter how unbelieveably shit the working conditions were.
“We just want people to work,” said Mr Morrison. “And the easiest way to do that, is to drive down working conditions so that companies can even compete with Bangladesh on making those great T-Shirts you buy for $2 at K-Mart.”
It is understood, at the heart of the scheme is a plan to allow employers to literally tear employees limb from limb as long as doing so is done in an employment relationship. Mr Morrison noted that that clause was a hangover from WorkChoices legislation and he was willing to look at it. “Sorry, Peter Reith got a bit carried away by the end.”
Mr Morrison said that certain sectors would be especially targetted. “For the arts, we’ll be introducing the SandwichMaker scheme, which is the only job that’ll be available for them by the time we’ve finished with that industry.”
Earlier, Treasurer Josh Frydenberg announced that the JobMaker scheme would create 60 billion extra jobs by the end of the year. “I’ve had Treasury run the figures for me, and I stand by these figures,” he told the assembled media, which he estimated at around 350 million people.


thechaser--2020-05-26--Desperate Australians hoping for mandatory vaccine against Pete Evans

Pete Evans has broken a new record after appearing on Kyle Sandilands ’ radio show where , for the first time in the show ’ s history , the worst person in the conversation wasn ’ t Kyle .
The activated almond activist shared his views on vaccination , 5G and Covid-19 during the interview , prompting authorities to announce they were fast-tracking work on a vaccine against him .
Scientists said that they were hopeful that the vaccine would be available soon .
Scientists at Channel Seven have already successfully inoculated My Kitchen Rules against Evans .
Authorities said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and have been surprised that absolutely nobody has complained .
“ We can ’ t get anti-vaxxers to vaccinate against horrible diseases like measles , but for Pete Evans , they will make an exception.
” A spokesperson for Kyle Sandilands claimed the Evans broadcast was not problematic , because regular listeners know that nothing broadcast on his show is ever true .
“ Like when Jackie says she loves working with Kyle , ” she said .
“ Or in no way resents having her career shackled to an impulsive forty-something toddler @ @ @ @ @ @ @ interview , the top-rating pair plan to ask Evans whether activated almonds or BioChargers can help fight off ACMA investigations .

Pete Evans has broken a new record after appearing on Kyle Sandilands’ radio show where, for the first time in the show’s history, the worst person in the conversation wasn’t Kyle.
The activated almond activist shared his views on vaccination, 5G and Covid-19 during the interview, prompting authorities to announce they were fast-tracking work on a vaccine against him.
Scientists said that they were hopeful that the vaccine would be available soon. Scientists at Channel Seven have already successfully inoculated My Kitchen Rules against Evans.
Authorities said that the vaccine will be mandatory, and have been surprised that absolutely nobody has complained. “We can’t get anti-vaxxers to vaccinate against horrible diseases like measles, but for Pete Evans, they will make an exception.”
A spokesperson for Kyle Sandilands claimed the Evans broadcast was not problematic, because regular listeners know that nothing broadcast on his show is ever true. “Like when Jackie says she loves working with Kyle,” she said. “Or in no way resents having her career shackled to an impulsive forty-something toddler for 20 years.”
In their next interview, the top-rating pair plan to ask Evans whether activated almonds or BioChargers can help fight off ACMA investigations.


thechaser--2020-05-26--Wuhan Lab asks NewsCorp for tips on viral fabrication: “They’re the experts”

A representative of the Virology Institute of Wuhan has reached out to News Corp to get some tips on how @ @ @ @ @ that it spreads despite being completely man-made .
It comes after it was revealed that @ @ @ @ @ a widely available document from the US State Department suggested that the Wuhan Labs had @ @ @ @ @ man-made version of the virus , even though the document contained no such evidence .
@ @ @ @ @ viruses , ” said the Director of the Wuhan Institute .
“ If you want @ @ @ @ @ concocts and then spreads harmful man-made viral things across the globe , you should talk @ @ @ @ @ Corp.
They ’ re the experts at that.
” A spokesperson at News Corp denied @ @ @ @ @ to try and seed anti-Chinese sentiment in the community .
“ We ’ re doing @ @ @ @ @ .
The whole anti-China thing is just one of them .
”

A representative of the Virology Institute of Wuhan has reached out to News Corp to get some tips on how to concoct something so viral that it spreads despite being completely man-made.
It comes after it was revealed that the Sunday Telegraph pretended that a widely available document from the US State Department suggested that the Wuhan Labs had been used to create a man-made version of the virus, even though the document contained no such evidence.
“We just study natural viruses,” said the Director of the Wuhan Institute. “If you want to find an insitution that concocts and then spreads harmful man-made viral things across the globe, you should talk to the people at News Corp. They’re the experts at that.”
A spokesperson at News Corp denied they had concocted the story to try and seed anti-Chinese sentiment in the community. “We’re doing it for lots of reasons. The whole anti-China thing is just one of them.”


thechaser--2020-05-27--Restrictions lifted: Dettol urgently shifts production to booze

With restrictions lifting across Australia , hand sanitiser factories have been called on to do their patriotic duty , and immediately switch production to booze .
Hand sanitiser manufacturer Dettol announced they have repurposed their factory to produce white-label gin .
“ It ’ s as rough as arseholes but we all need to do our part.
” “ We ’ ll be making Vodka Cruisers as well , ” said a spokesperson , “ but they ’ re easy because you just have to add water and food colouring to the hand sanitiser.
” The shift comes as lockdown @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , with authorities worried that the massive surge in the consumption of anything and everything in pubs and clubs across the country , will be met with toilet-paper-like shortages .
If that happens , the Australian Defence Forces will be mobilised to invade New Zealand and steal all their booze .
Disposable glove manufacturers have also agreed to switch from gloves to other rubber-based ‘ personal protective equipment ’ to offset the effects of the surge in alcohol consumption in the newly-released population .
A spokesperson for Ansell claimed the change would be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ chop up the gloves .
Most blokes don ’ t really need much more than the thumb .
”

With restrictions lifting across Australia, hand sanitiser factories have been called on to do their patriotic duty, and immediately switch production to booze.
Hand sanitiser manufacturer Dettol announced they have repurposed their factory to produce white-label gin. “It’s as rough as arseholes but we all need to do our part.”
“We’ll be making Vodka Cruisers as well,” said a spokesperson, “but they’re easy because you just have to add water and food colouring to the hand sanitiser.”
The shift comes as lockdown restrictions are being loosened across the country, with authorities worried that the massive surge in the consumption of anything and everything in pubs and clubs across the country, will be met with toilet-paper-like shortages. If that happens, the Australian Defence Forces will be mobilised to invade New Zealand and steal all their booze.
Disposable glove manufacturers have also agreed to switch from gloves to other rubber-based ‘personal protective equipment’ to offset the effects of the surge in alcohol consumption in the newly-released population. A spokesperson for Ansell claimed the change would be easy, saying “You can basically chop up the gloves. Most blokes don’t really need much more than the thumb.”


thechaser--2020-05-27--Local homeless man joins BRW Rich List after Frydenberg spares him some change

Formerly homeless man Brad Parker has today put down a deposit on a 16 bedroom mansion in Sydney ’ s eastern suburbs , after federal treasurer Josh Frydenberg handed over “ a few dollars ” to help the man buy himself a sandwich .
“ Here you go mate , ” said Frydenberg as he opened his cash transfer app on his phone .
“ How much is a sandwich these days , 40 or 50 billion ?
Lets just call it 60 billion I ’ m sure you could do with a coffee too in this cold weather.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ after being informed by Liberal Party colleagues that he had massively over-estimated the cost of a sandwich .
“ God no , I ’ m sure it ’ s less than that ?
” said Peter Dutton upon hearing the news .
“ What an idiot , doesn ’ t even understand the value of money , he ’ s so out of touch with the average person it ’ s laughable .
Oh look I ’ ve just discovered another house I forgot I bought !
” Prime Minister Scott Morrison also @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the amount he gave away was outrageous .
“ God mate , we shouldn ’ t be giving away that kind of money to the homeless !
Those kind of handouts should have been reserved for the already rich , like that $ 30 million we gave to Rupert Murdoch , or the $ 5 million we gave to Mossman rowing club .
At the very least he could have at least had the good sense to give the money to a homeless person in a marginal electorate .
I hear they ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Nationals colleague Barnaby Joyce also hit out at Frydenberg for the error , stating that he had hoped to spend that money buying water from a shady company linked to his colleague Angus Taylor .
Asked whether they still considered themselves the better economic managers , given they have now been engaged in four straight years of expenses scandals , a spokesman for the Coalition said that such claims were complete hogswash , before flying off in a taxpayer funded private helicopter .

Formerly homeless man Brad Parker has today put down a deposit on a 16 bedroom mansion in Sydney’s eastern suburbs, after federal treasurer Josh Frydenberg handed over “a few dollars” to help the man buy himself a sandwich.
“Here you go mate,” said Frydenberg as he opened his cash transfer app on his phone. “How much is a sandwich these days, 40 or 50 billion? Lets just call it 60 billion I’m sure you could do with a coffee too in this cold weather.”
However, Frydenberg was left red faced after being informed by Liberal Party colleagues that he had massively over-estimated the cost of a sandwich. “God no, I’m sure it’s less than that?” said Peter Dutton upon hearing the news. “What an idiot, doesn’t even understand the value of money, he’s so out of touch with the average person it’s laughable. Oh look I’ve just discovered another house I forgot I bought!”
Prime Minister Scott Morrison also weighed in on the debacle, saying the amount he gave away was outrageous. “God mate, we shouldn’t be giving away that kind of money to the homeless! Those kind of handouts should have been reserved for the already rich, like that $30 million we gave to Rupert Murdoch, or the $5 million we gave to Mossman rowing club. At the very least he could have at least had the good sense to give the money to a homeless person in a marginal electorate. I hear they’re in need of new changerooms.”
Nationals colleague Barnaby Joyce also hit out at Frydenberg for the error, stating that he had hoped to spend that money buying water from a shady company linked to his colleague Angus Taylor.
Asked whether they still considered themselves the better economic managers, given they have now been engaged in four straight years of expenses scandals, a spokesman for the Coalition said that such claims were complete hogswash, before flying off in a taxpayer funded private helicopter.


thechaser--2020-05-28--Amazing: Disney has finally defrosted Walt, and he was immediately cancelled online

Fans of Disney were ecstatic today to learn that Disney founder Walter ‘ Walt ’ Disney was to finally be re-animated following 54 years frozen in a hyperbaric chamber .
However the fabled film director , cartoonist , and entrepreneur was immediately placed back in suspended animation by the company only minutes later , after making a range of insensitive comments that saw the company share price tank , and the founder cancelled online .
“ My god , what are all these women doing working ?
” asked the allegedly wholesome founder .
“ And what is going on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , have the Siamese finally invaded ?
Quick !
Somebody alert McCarthy !
” According to witnesses at the scene , the founder of company father was less the Tom Hanks version of Walt Disney from Saving Mr Banks they had imagined , and more like the real-life version who made PL Travers cry .
When shown the events of the Star Wars and Marvel movies , Walt was also reportedly furious to learn not only was there female heroes , but black ones as well , though he did praise the company @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the sides so they can easily be cut out .
“ My [ censored ] there will [ censored ] in [ censored ] , ” said Walt .
“ Bunch of [ censored ] [ censored ] [ censored ] cunts.
” In response to the controversy Bob Igar made an immediate statement , “ He is a product of his time , sure that time was 100 years ago but like with all old people , we think it would be easier to pretend that in 2020 we act like we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s anyone ’ s fault it ’ s ours , we should have left him alone .
Who would have thought behind the pure and wholesome veneer Disney is a ruthless cold monster only focused on money and power .
Certainly not us .
”

Fans of Disney were ecstatic today to learn that Disney founder Walter ‘Walt’ Disney was to finally be re-animated following 54 years frozen in a hyperbaric chamber. However the fabled film director, cartoonist, and entrepreneur was immediately placed back in suspended animation by the company only minutes later, after making a range of insensitive comments that saw the company share price tank, and the founder cancelled online.
“My god, what are all these women doing working?” asked the allegedly wholesome founder. “And what is going on with the floor staff? My god, have the Siamese finally invaded? Quick! Somebody alert McCarthy!”
According to witnesses at the scene, the founder of company father was less the Tom Hanks version of Walt Disney from Saving Mr Banks they had imagined, and more like the real-life version who made PL Travers cry.
When shown the events of the Star Wars and Marvel movies, Walt was also reportedly furious to learn not only was there female heroes, but black ones as well, though he did praise the company for keeping the LGBTQ characters hidden to the sides so they can easily be cut out.
“My [censored] there will [censored] in [censored],” said Walt. “Bunch of [censored] [censored] [censored] cunts.”
In response to the controversy Bob Igar made an immediate statement, “He is a product of his time, sure that time was 100 years ago but like with all old people, we think it would be easier to pretend that in 2020 we act like we are still in that time. If it’s anyone’s fault it’s ours, we should have left him alone. Who would have thought behind the pure and wholesome veneer Disney is a ruthless cold monster only focused on money and power. Certainly not us.”


thechaser--2020-05-28--“Social media should not fact check posts” says child molester Mark Zuckerberg

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has today hit out at Twitter owner Jack Dorsey following blowback from the White House on @ @ @ @ @ factcheck tweets .
“ Social media companies should not be acting as factcheckers and arbiters @ @ @ @ @ announced Zuckerberg this afternoon , “ also by the way I like to spread peanut @ @ @ @ @ lick it off while naked.
” The billionaire social media mogul , who spends his @ @ @ @ @ children , instead suggested that social media companies should allow all speech on their platforms @ @ @ @ @ there was a threat of imminent harm to someone ’ s life , like the @ @ @ @ @ his basement .
“ On the other hand , I just really like the taste @ @ @ @ @ explained Zuckerberg thoughtfully , “ can ’ t get enough .
”

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has today hit out at Twitter owner Jack Dorsey following blowback from the White House on twitter’s plans to factcheck tweets. “Social media companies should not be acting as factcheckers and arbiters of the truth,” announced Zuckerberg this afternoon, “also by the way I like to spread peanut butter on the wall and lick it off while naked.”
The billionaire social media mogul, who spends his free time taking candy from children, instead suggested that social media companies should allow all speech on their platforms, and only intervene if there was a threat of imminent harm to someone’s life, like the woman he keeps chained in his basement.
“On the other hand, I just really like the taste of goat urine,” explained Zuckerberg thoughtfully, “can’t get enough.”
For more news like this follow The Chaser on Twitter and Facebook (before we get kicked off there for this post)


thechaser--2020-05-28--Trump tweet fact-checker dies of exhaustion

The twitter corporation has today expressed its deepest condolences to the friends and family of Jake Bird , an employee tasked with fact checking the feed of Donald Trump , who passed away from exhaustion early this morning .
Jake was dedicated to his job , with colleagues reporting even his last words were about his work ensuring the integrity of the platform were upheld .
“ What the fucking fuck do you mean people should consider all sides of the debate about drinking bleach !
?
!
” Jake was heard screaming at his screen .
“ Jesus Christ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a heart attack I swear !
” Jake , who was hired by the company yesterday to ensure the integrity of the President ’ s tweets , reportedly collapsed only moments later , after seeing a tweet from Trump claiming that Hilary Clinton was somehow responsible for manufacturing coronavirus .
The news that Twitter is now factchecking his tweets has greatly upset President Trump , who is concerned that a requirement to only tweet the truth would greatly damage his ability to say anything at all .
The President has hit out at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fact-checking contravened his free speech , an allegation that twitter has since marked as untrue .

The twitter corporation has today expressed its deepest condolences to the friends and family of Jake Bird, an employee tasked with fact checking the feed of Donald Trump, who passed away from exhaustion early this morning.
Jake was dedicated to his job, with colleagues reporting even his last words were about his work ensuring the integrity of the platform were upheld. “What the fucking fuck do you mean people should consider all sides of the debate about drinking bleach!?!” Jake was heard screaming at his screen. “Jesus Christ this man is going to give me a heart attack I swear!”
Jake, who was hired by the company yesterday to ensure the integrity of the President’s tweets, reportedly collapsed only moments later, after seeing a tweet from Trump claiming that Hilary Clinton was somehow responsible for manufacturing coronavirus.
The news that Twitter is now factchecking his tweets has greatly upset President Trump, who is concerned that a requirement to only tweet the truth would greatly damage his ability to say anything at all.
The President has hit out at the social media, claiming that the fact-checking contravened his free speech, an allegation that twitter has since marked as untrue.


thechaser--2020-05-28--White House unveils Trump Presidential Portrait


thechaser--2020-05-28--American paying $10,000/day for respirator just glad he’s not living in a socialist hell like Norway

Local American Brad Jones has today thanked his lucky stars that he lives in a country that affords him the freedom to pay $ 10,000 a day to be kept alive on a respirator , instead of having to live under the crushing burden of socialism like those unlucky chumps in Norway .
“ This is what real freedom feels like , ” wheezed Brad , before being told by doctors that his insurance had denied his latest claim .
“ Imagine being forced to pay a small amount of your income each year to get free healthcare , instead @ @ @ @ @ @ @ income each year and ending up having to pay your hospital costs anyway when your insurance company turns down your claim .
God I love freedom.
” However , Brad ’ s children are not entirely convinced , stating that they actually would have preferred to have eaten this week .
“ Compared to the prospect of being homeless and not being able to afford to put food on the table because all of dad ’ s income is going to medical costs , having a bit of government involved in our lives @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” explained 8 year old Emily .
“ Don ’ t get me wrong , I love that we ’ re a small part of ensuring that the Anthem Insurance CEO gets paid $ 15.5 million a year .
It ’ s just that I can ’ t help but wonder what it would be like if that money had been spent on healthcare instead , you know ?
But I guess that ’ s crazy socialist talk .
Anyway I ’ ve got to go collect my foodstamps for the week @ @ @ @ @

Local American Brad Jones has today thanked his lucky stars that he lives in a country that affords him the freedom to pay $10,000 a day to be kept alive on a respirator, instead of having to live under the crushing burden of socialism like those unlucky chumps in Norway.
“This is what real freedom feels like,” wheezed Brad, before being told by doctors that his insurance had denied his latest claim. “Imagine being forced to pay a small amount of your income each year to get free healthcare, instead of paying a large amount of your income each year and ending up having to pay your hospital costs anyway when your insurance company turns down your claim. God I love freedom.”
However, Brad’s children are not entirely convinced, stating that they actually would have preferred to have eaten this week. “Compared to the prospect of being homeless and not being able to afford to put food on the table because all of dad’s income is going to medical costs, having a bit of government involved in our lives actually doesn’t sound too bad,” explained 8 year old Emily. “Don’t get me wrong, I love that we’re a small part of ensuring that the Anthem Insurance CEO gets paid $15.5 million a year. It’s just that I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if that money had been spent on healthcare instead, you know? But I guess that’s crazy socialist talk. Anyway I’ve got to go collect my foodstamps for the week. Yay freedom.”


thechaser--2020-05-27--Mike Pence horrified to discover unisex toilet in own house

`` This guest room ensuite is an affront to God ! ''
Vice President and conservative campaigner Mike Pence has today used the power vested to him as Vice President of the United States to issue a proclamation that nobody in his house is allowed to use the unisex toilet adjoining the spare bedroom .
Calling the Caroma Uniset liberal propaganda , Mr Pence warned that anyone caught within five metres of the guest room en-suite would be damned to the fires of an eternal hell .
“ It ’ s just not natural ” Pence explained to his wife @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the balls of her feet .
“ I ’ m afraid from now on you ’ re just going to have to use the women ’ s bathroom at the park down the road , or hold it in until we visit the mall on Sundays.
” Pence however was quick to clarify that his stance was in no way related to bigotry against women nor was it linked to his deep-seated hatred of trans people .
“ I ’ m simply following the teachings of the Bible , and helping others @ @ @ @ @ @ @ designation of public bathrooms at schools and local shopping malls , ” said Pence .
“ When God created Adam and Eve he did so with the explicit instruction that they not use the same porcelain lavatories to dispose of their bodily waste .
The supreme being is very concerned with these things you know .
That ’ s why he never gets around to solving the whole starving children thing .
”

Vice President and conservative campaigner Mike Pence has today used the power vested to him as Vice President of the United States to issue a proclamation that nobody in his house is allowed to use the unisex toilet adjoining the spare bedroom. Calling the Caroma Uniset liberal propaganda, Mr Pence warned that anyone caught within five metres of the guest room en-suite would be damned to the fires of an eternal hell.
“It’s just not natural” Pence explained to his wife as she urgently hopped back and forth on the balls of her feet. “I’m afraid from now on you’re just going to have to use the women’s bathroom at the park down the road, or hold it in until we visit the mall on Sundays.”
Pence however was quick to clarify that his stance was in no way related to bigotry against women nor was it linked to his deep-seated hatred of trans people. “I’m simply following the teachings of the Bible, and helping others see exactly how Jesus felt about the designation of public bathrooms at schools and local shopping malls,” said Pence. “When God created Adam and Eve he did so with the explicit instruction that they not use the same porcelain lavatories to dispose of their bodily waste. The supreme being is very concerned with these things you know. That’s why he never gets around to solving the whole starving children thing.”


thechaser--2020-05-29--Trump follows through on election promise to shoot people in the street

After being accused of lying by Twitter this week , United States President Donald Trump has today attempted to show just how honest he is by following through on his election pledge to shoot random people in the street .
“ Just spoke to Governor Tim Walz and told him that the Military is with him all the way .
Any difficulty and we will assume control but , when the looting starts , the shooting starts .
Thank you !
” tweeted Trump while wiping his fingers on the constitution .
“ And twitter can ’ t delete this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ executive order to delete the website , which is a very sane thing to do by the way.
” The President has also been praised by followers this week for following through on another election pledge after Mexico agreed to pay for the border wall .
“ We ’ ll do anything to keep that mess of a country away from us , ” said Mexico ’ s president today as he personally began laying bricks for the wall .
“ No matter the cost , we just want to be sure that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the border into our country .
They ’ re not sending their best you know .
All of them fled back in 2016 .
”

After being accused of lying by Twitter this week, United States President Donald Trump has today attempted to show just how honest he is by following through on his election pledge to shoot random people in the street.
“Just spoke to Governor Tim Walz and told him that the Military is with him all the way. Any difficulty and we will assume control but, when the looting starts, the shooting starts. Thank you!” tweeted Trump while wiping his fingers on the constitution. “And twitter can’t delete this tweet or I’ll sign an executive order to delete the website, which is a very sane thing to do by the way.”
The President has also been praised by followers this week for following through on another election pledge after Mexico agreed to pay for the border wall. “We’ll do anything to keep that mess of a country away from us,” said Mexico’s president today as he personally began laying bricks for the wall. “No matter the cost, we just want to be sure that none of their criminals are sneaking over the border into our country. They’re not sending their best you know. All of them fled back in 2016.”


thechaser--2020-05-29--Child molesters sue The Chaser after being compared to Mark Zuckerberg

Several high-profile paedophiles served letters of demand on this website this afternoon after the site published an article with the headline : Social media should not fact check posts ” , says child molester Mark Zuckerberg .
The child molesters across the globe said they had been defamed by the association with the Facebook founder .
The lawsuit pointed out that the paedophile community especially despises Zuckerberg just like everyone else , even though he does look like a 14-year-old boy .
“ Yes , okay , we are also sociopathic monsters , ” one of the plaintiffs said said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re not responsible for Facebook.
” Zuckerberg himself did not respond to the article , in keeping with his long term policy of not objecting to anything besides attempts to regulate Facebook .
But a spokesperson for the social media giant said it had decided not to take the viral article down from The Chaser ’ s Facebook page because it was making money out of every single view .
If the paedophile community succeeds in its class action against the Chaser website , it plans to take on a much bigger target @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Church for unfair competition .

Several high-profile paedophiles served letters of demand on this website this afternoon after the site published an article with the headline: Social media should not fact check posts”, says child molester Mark Zuckerberg.
The child molesters across the globe said they had been defamed by the association with the Facebook founder.
The lawsuit pointed out that the paedophile community especially despises Zuckerberg just like everyone else, even though he does look like a 14-year-old boy.
“Yes, okay, we are also sociopathic monsters,” one of the plaintiffs said said. “But at least we’re not responsible for Facebook.”
Zuckerberg himself did not respond to the article, in keeping with his long term policy of not objecting to anything besides attempts to regulate Facebook. But a spokesperson for the social media giant said it had decided not to take the viral article down from The Chaser’s Facebook page because it was making money out of every single view.
If the paedophile community succeeds in its class action against the Chaser website, it plans to take on a much bigger target, mounting a lawsuit against the Catholic Church for unfair competition.


thechaser--2020-05-28--Minneapolis riots solved after Kendall Jenner offers protesters a Pepsi

Racial tensions and police brutality across America have been solved this week , after Keeping Up With The Kardashians star Kendall Jenner was deployed by government officials to provide peacekeeping softdrink distribution in Minneapolis .
“ Like um I just like totally think we should all just get along , ” said Jenner in a rousing speech in front of a tearful crowd .
“ Like we ’ re all just human y ’ know .
Whether you ’ re black , white , or someone like me who looks black until I take my makeup off , at the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all just skeletons underneath our skin which is really spooky , y ’ know ?
” Listening to the protesters talk about the unrelenting tide of black people dying at the hands of police who do not face consequences for their actions , Jenner said she heard their concerns , and that while she couldn ’ t address the underlying current of white supremacy that exists in America ’ s armed forces , she could offer them a delicious sip of an ice cold Pepsi , available at all supermarkets and convenience stores @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s refreshing , ” said Kendall as she took a deep sip next to a burning police station .
“ Sometimes when your country is collapsing around you due to an authoritarian president and a police state that repeatedly abuses its power , you need to take a moment to appreciate the smaller things in life , like this new line of Pepsi with a lime twist .
Now who wants to come together and hold hands as we loot this Target ?
” Jenner was then arrested by police , after they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

Racial tensions and police brutality across America have been solved this week, after Keeping Up With The Kardashians star Kendall Jenner was deployed by government officials to provide peacekeeping softdrink distribution in Minneapolis.
“Like um I just like totally think we should all just get along,” said Jenner in a rousing speech in front of a tearful crowd. “Like we’re all just human y’know. Whether you’re black, white, or someone like me who looks black until I take my makeup off, at the end of the day we’re all just skeletons underneath our skin which is really spooky, y’know?”
Listening to the protesters talk about the unrelenting tide of black people dying at the hands of police who do not face consequences for their actions, Jenner said she heard their concerns, and that while she couldn’t address the underlying current of white supremacy that exists in America’s armed forces, she could offer them a delicious sip of an ice cold Pepsi, available at all supermarkets and convenience stores right now.
“Mmm that’s refreshing,” said Kendall as she took a deep sip next to a burning police station. “Sometimes when your country is collapsing around you due to an authoritarian president and a police state that repeatedly abuses its power, you need to take a moment to appreciate the smaller things in life, like this new line of Pepsi with a lime twist. Now who wants to come together and hold hands as we loot this Target?”
Jenner was then arrested by police, after they mistook her dark-shade foundation as a threat.


thechaser--2020-05-29--America cancelled after disastrous final season

Popular reality TV series The United States of America has been pulled by broadcasters tonight after an outburst by lead star Donald Trump on social media .
The news comes as no suprise to fans , many of whom have accused the show of jumping the shark in recent years , with the most recent season widely panned as being completely unbelievable .
“ It ’ s gone completely off the rails !
” complained viewers online .
“ Do you seriously expect us to believe that there ’ s a riot in the middle of a plague and the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to shoot people while simultaneously engaged in a name-calling fight with twitter ?
Jesus this makes Game Of Thrones ’ s last season look well written by comparison.
” The once popular series has suffered a series of setbacks in recent years , with writers struggling to compete with rival program The United Kingdom for viewership .
“ Ever since the Trump plot twist , the two shows have gone out of their way to out-drama each other , ” explained TV expert Miles Tulong .
“ Britain won back viewers with the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ such a hit that they did the whole story over again with Europe only months later .
But then they just went a bit too far .
Boris Johnson the messy haired populist leader was clearly just cribbed straight from the United States ’ s plotline , and then when they went and gave him that near death with COVID , and the US had to go even further .
Next thing you know it ’ s banning twitter , and drinking bleach .
The whole things just ludicrous now , they ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ centre and the central character doesn ’ t seem to have any redeeming traits whatsoever.
” Instead writers say they are planning a new spinoff series which will explore the backstory of the child of a billionaire and a musician , named X Æ A-12 and all the wacky adventures he gets up to by borrowing his father ’ s space ship .
The show has already recieved a 0 % rating on Rotten Tomatoes , and is expected to be the biggest TV hit since the Big Bang Theory .

Popular reality TV series The United States of America has been pulled by broadcasters tonight after fan favourite character Ruth “RBG” Bader-Ginsburg was killed off unexpectedly. The news comes as no suprise to fans, many of whom have accused the show of jumping the shark in recent years, with the most recent season widely panned as being completely unbelievable and just creating drama for the sake of it.
“It’s gone completely off the rails!” complained viewers online. “Do you seriously expect us to believe that there’s a riot in the middle of a plague and the President is threatening to send the military to shoot people while simultaneously engaged in a name-calling fight with twitter? Jesus this makes Game Of Thrones’s last season look well written by comparison.”
The once popular series has suffered a series of setbacks in recent years, with writers struggling to compete with rival program The United Kingdom for viewership. “Ever since the Trump plot twist, the two shows have gone out of their way to out-drama each other,” explained TV expert Miles Tulong. “Britain won back viewers with the Scotland secession cliff-hanger, and that proved such a hit that they did the whole story over again with Europe only months later. But then they just went a bit too far. Boris Johnson the messy haired populist leader was clearly just cribbed straight from the United States’s plotline, and then when they went and gave him that near death with COVID, and the US had to go even further. Next thing you know it’s banning twitter, and drinking bleach. The whole things just ludicrous now, they’re killing off characters left right and centre and the central character doesn’t seem to have any redeeming traits whatsoever.”
Instead writers say they are planning a new spinoff series which will explore the backstory of the child of a billionaire and a musician, named X Æ A-12 and all the wacky adventures he gets up to by borrowing his father’s space ship. The show has already recieved a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and is expected to be the biggest TV hit since the Big Bang Theory.


thechaser--2020-05-30--Compromise reached: Twitter to just label the few Trump tweets that aren’t outright lies

The Twitter corporation has today reached a compromise in its recent feud with United States President , after the company @ @ @ @ @ fact check Trump ’ s incorrect tweets .
Instead the company has decided it will @ @ @ @ @ simply marking the few tweets of Donald Trump which aren ’ t demonstrably untrue , @ @ @ @ @ locate any .
“ This will keep everyone happy , ” said a representative for @ @ @ @ @ can say whatever he wants without consequences , and everyone else… well I guess everyone @ @ @ @ @ the consequences .
Welcome to 2020.
” Asked what he though of the outcome , @ @ @ @ @ was great news , and that it ’ s important that people don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ the internet , before leaving to fuck a goat .

Compromise reached: Twitter to just label the few Trump tweets that aren’t outright lies
The Twitter corporation has today reached a compromise in its recent feud with United States President, after the company agreed it will no longer fact check Trump’s incorrect tweets.
Instead the company has decided it will save millions of dollars by simply marking the few tweets of Donald Trump which aren’t demonstrably untrue, as soon as they can locate any.
“This will keep everyone happy,” said a representative for Twitter. “Now Trump can say whatever he wants without consequences, and everyone else… well I guess everyone else just has to suffer the consequences. Welcome to 2020.”
Asked what he though of the outcome, President Donald Trump said it was great news, and that it’s important that people don’t fear being fact checked on the internet, before leaving to fuck a goat.


thechaser--2020-05-31--Police shocked after beatings fail to quell protest against police brutality

Police officers across America have today responded calmly and rationally to footage of a fellow officer murdering a black man in public , by promising to reflect on their personal biases as soon as they are done beating all these protesters .
“ I don ’ t know what all these protesters want , ” replied an officer on the scene .
“ We ’ ve tried everything to respond to their requests .
Punching them , kicking them , even arresting them .
Frankly I ’ m all out of ideas of ways to respond.
” Officers have hit @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but not before switching off their body cams and covering their ID numbers .
“ Clearly there are some deep seated issues within our forces that need to be addressed , ” said the head of the Minneapolis police force today as he fired rubber bullets into a crowd .
“ I just hope this one bad apple ’ s actions don ’ t taint the work of an otherwise honorable police force .
Now where did I put my pepper spray and baton ?
” However , officers in America ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ different approach to the protests .
“ Obviously the murder of George Floyd has given us a lot to reflect on , and we need to find better ways to de-escalate situations , ” agreed New York police officer Ray Marvin as he drove his police vehicle into a crowd .
“ But I hope we won ’ t taint George ’ s memory by doing something rash like blaming the officer that murdered him .
I think we all just need to keep a calm head about this and consider it from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the videotape may have been lying about what happened and the officer is actually innocent .
Have you ever considered that ?
” President Donald Trump also weighed into the debate , stating that people who used violence to get their point across are thugs , before threatening to send the military to shoot them all .

Police officers across America have today responded calmly and rationally to footage of a fellow officer murdering a black man in public, by promising to reflect on their personal biases as soon as they are done beating all these protesters.
“I don’t know what all these protesters want,” replied an officer on the scene. “We’ve tried everything to respond to their requests. Punching them, kicking them, even arresting them. Frankly I’m all out of ideas of ways to respond.”
Officers have hit back at accusations of unfair racial profiling, but not before switching off their body cams and covering their ID numbers.
“Clearly there are some deep seated issues within our forces that need to be addressed,” said the head of the Minneapolis police force today as he fired rubber bullets into a crowd. “I just hope this one bad apple’s actions don’t taint the work of an otherwise honorable police force. Now where did I put my pepper spray and baton?”
However, officers in America’s more progressive states have taken a different approach to the protests. “Obviously the murder of George Floyd has given us a lot to reflect on, and we need to find better ways to de-escalate situations,” agreed New York police officer Ray Marvin as he drove his police vehicle into a crowd. “But I hope we won’t taint George’s memory by doing something rash like blaming the officer that murdered him. I think we all just need to keep a calm head about this and consider it from all angles, including the one where the videotape may have been lying about what happened and the officer is actually innocent. Have you ever considered that?”
President Donald Trump also weighed into the debate, stating that people who used violence to get their point across are thugs, before threatening to send the military to shoot them all.


thechaser--2020-06-01--Staffer slips DVD of Downfall under Trump’s bunker door

A member of the White House staff has slid a copy of 2004 ’ s Downfall into Trump ’ s underground bunker .
The unnamed employee included instructions for how to watch the DVD , and wrote TOP in white paint over the labelled side .
Sources confirmed the president has not yet seen the critically-acclaimed movie , and indeed has only ever watched one movie , Porkys 2 : The Next Day .
A senior source said “ There are a lot of people who would love to see the president , um , how shall I put this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pivotal scenes in the movie .
Not the one where Hitler calls Goering a traitor .
Or the one where he shouts at his generals.
” Staff have reportedly been walking past the bunker door talking about how Kim Cattrall gets her tits out near the end , and how Hulk Hogan ’ s favourite scene is the bit right after Hitler takes a cyanide capsule but before he is cremated .
But another source was doubtful the DVD would work .
“ He won ’ t watch it .
We ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Hitler is .
We tried leaving the situation room TV on the History Channel but he ended up ordering a set of steak knives off one of the adverts and then falling asleep .
”

A member of the White House staff has slid a copy of 2004’s Downfall into Trump’s underground bunker. The unnamed employee included instructions for how to watch the DVD, and wrote TOP in white paint over the labelled side.
Sources confirmed the president has not yet seen the critically-acclaimed movie, and indeed has only ever watched one movie, Porkys 2: The Next Day.
A senior source said “There are a lot of people who would love to see the president, um, how shall I put this, influenced, by one of the pivotal scenes in the movie. Not the one where Hitler calls Goering a traitor. Or the one where he shouts at his generals.”
Staff have reportedly been walking past the bunker door talking about how Kim Cattrall gets her tits out near the end, and how Hulk Hogan’s favourite scene is the bit right after Hitler takes a cyanide capsule but before he is cremated.
But another source was doubtful the DVD would work. “He won’t watch it. We’re not even sure if he knows who Hitler is. We tried leaving the situation room TV on the History Channel but he ended up ordering a set of steak knives off one of the adverts and then falling asleep.”


thechaser--2020-06-01--Dutton cancels viagra prescription after seeing video of police shooting journalists

Home Affairs Minister and professional Voldemort impersonator Peter Dutton has come under fire today for calling for Australian journalists to come under fire from police .
These calls reportedly stem from the videos of American journalists being brutalised by police for reporting on police brutality .
While many people refer to these videos as ‘ alarming and horrible ’ , Mr Dutton calls them “ inspirational , it ’ s like a work of art really.
” Information on his response to the footage has come out as government officials accidentally leaked his personal diary , reportedly thinking it was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Dear Diary , I wish our police would rough up journalists , ” wrote the former QLD police officer .
“ It makes me giddy just thinking about it .
I was just sitting there in my office with a bucket of popcorn watching these annoying journos get shot at and arrested .
At one point I think I was fully erect in my government office , so I guess you could say I was pulling a Barnaby .
I mean these journos always make Scomo , Angus and me look bad cause @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out the truth .
As Rupert says , their job should be to make us look good , not talk about facts .
Lots of Aussies were upset by the idea of the police raids and so was I , why would they stop at intimidation .
It makes it much easier for our government to do what we want when we can cover it up.
” “ A lot of people seem to have trouble trusting my police , and that ’ s all the journos fault .
If they became too @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do that they don ’ t like people won ’ t know about it .
What if I need a new au pair ?
I don ’ t want to deal with that shit again .
Plus , all this talk about police brutality against Aboriginal people , again if the journos shut up about it then people would stop complaining .
They called me racist when I said I was scared of Africans in Melbourne , but just look at Melbourne now , it ’ s a total wasteland .
Nothing but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lefties .
It makes me shudder to think about.
” In response to these leaks the AFP Association have once again publicly called to have the AFP separated from Home Affairs in order to be independent from government influence , however the AFP Commissioner has hit back at such suggestions .
“ Look I get that what he said looks bad .
But either way he is my mate and independent or not I will do what I can to continue to help him out .
And this is easier for me than @ @ @ @ @ @ @ actions like people keeping suggesting .
”

Home Affairs Minister and professional Voldemort impersonator Peter Dutton has come under fire today for calling for Australian journalists to come under fire from police.
These calls reportedly stem from the videos of American journalists being brutalised by police for reporting on police brutality. While many people refer to these videos as ‘alarming and horrible’, Mr Dutton calls them “inspirational, it’s like a work of art really.”
Information on his response to the footage has come out as government officials accidentally leaked his personal diary, reportedly thinking it was another book by Malcom Turnbull.
“Dear Diary, I wish our police would rough up journalists,” wrote the former QLD police officer. “It makes me giddy just thinking about it. I was just sitting there in my office with a bucket of popcorn watching these annoying journos get shot at and arrested. At one point I think I was fully erect in my government office, so I guess you could say I was pulling a Barnaby. I mean these journos always make Scomo, Angus and me look bad cause they are always so obsessed with finding out the truth. As Rupert says, their job should be to make us look good, not talk about facts. Lots of Aussies were upset by the idea of the police raids and so was I, why would they stop at intimidation. It makes it much easier for our government to do what we want when we can cover it up.”
“A lot of people seem to have trouble trusting my police, and that’s all the journos fault. If they became too scared to talk about the things police do that they don’t like people won’t know about it. What if I need a new au pair? I don’t want to deal with that shit again. Plus, all this talk about police brutality against Aboriginal people, again if the journos shut up about it then people would stop complaining. They called me racist when I said I was scared of Africans in Melbourne, but just look at Melbourne now, it’s a total wasteland. Nothing but dark alleyways full of trendy cafes and lefties. It makes me shudder to think about.”
In response to these leaks the AFP Association have once again publicly called to have the AFP separated from Home Affairs in order to be independent from government influence, however the AFP Commissioner has hit back at such suggestions. “Look I get that what he said looks bad. But either way he is my mate and independent or not I will do what I can to continue to help him out. And this is easier for me than actually trying to rebuild trust through our actions like people keeping suggesting. ”


thechaser--2020-06-01--Mexico agrees to pay for wall

Mexico agrees to pay for wall

United States President Donald Trump has today convinced Mexico to build a wall on the United States border and to pay for it , after the entire nation devolved into civil unrest egged on by a twitter fight from the President .
“ He did it , he really did make America Great again !
” cheered Trump ’ s supporters as the country burned down around them .
“ Yes , sure there are now murder wasps , and the police are arresting journalists , and racism is worse than ever , and the hospitals are over-run , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and we ’ re in a cold war with China , and the economy has collapsed , and we ’ re keeping children in concentration camps , but on the up side nobody ’ s coming here from Mexico anymore so I think we can chalk that up to a win.
” Though the number of Americans crossing the border into their neighbouring country has been steadily on the rise since 2016 , authorities are reporting that the problem has reached epidemic proportions recently , especially after the American President suggested people inject @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we are seeing here is that people simply don ’ t want to live in a country with such visible corruption.
” said one Mexican caseworker who has had to deal with the recent influx of refugees .
“ It also doesn ’ t help that the controlling regime is threatening military violence against its citizens .
If this holds up much longer we might have to invade in order to force democracy on the country .
We hear the current President seized power in a clearly rigged election where he won even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ democratic rival .
What a sham.
” “ There ’ s police corruption , innocent people are killed in gunfights daily , and a good percentage of the population are hooked on opiates produced by rich oligarchs who don ’ t face consequences because they donate so much money to the politicians .
Hard to believe such a violent and corrupt country can exist right over the border from Mexico , you know ?
”

United States President Donald Trump has today convinced Mexico to build a wall on the United States border and to pay for it, after the entire nation devolved into civil unrest egged on by a twitter fight from the President.
“He did it, he really did make America Great again!” cheered Trump’s supporters as the country burned down around them. “Yes, sure there are now murder wasps, and the police are arresting journalists, and racism is worse than ever, and the hospitals are over-run, and 100,000 have died from a plague, and we’re in a cold war with China, and the economy has collapsed, and we’re keeping children in concentration camps, but on the up side nobody’s coming here from Mexico anymore so I think we can chalk that up to a win.”
Though the number of Americans crossing the border into their neighbouring country has been steadily on the rise since 2016, authorities are reporting that the problem has reached epidemic proportions recently, especially after the American President suggested people inject themselves with bleach.
“Really what we are seeing here is that people simply don’t want to live in a country with such visible corruption.” said one Mexican caseworker who has had to deal with the recent influx of refugees. “It also doesn’t help that the controlling regime is threatening military violence against its citizens. If this holds up much longer we might have to invade in order to force democracy on the country. We hear the current President seized power in a clearly rigged election where he won even though he got less votes than his democratic rival. What a sham.”
“There’s police corruption, innocent people are killed in gunfights daily, and a good percentage of the population are hooked on opiates produced by rich oligarchs who don’t face consequences because they donate so much money to the politicians. Hard to believe such a violent and corrupt country can exist right over the border from Mexico, you know?”


thechaser--2020-06-01--UN condemns Australia for subjecting Pacific Islands to Home and Away

Ambassadors to the United Nations raise hands in a Security Council resolution vote to sanction North Korea , Friday , June 2 , 2017 , at U.N. headquarters .
( AP Photo/Bebeto Matthews ) The federal government has once again come under fire from the United Nations Commission of Human Rights this week , after the announcement that seven Pacific island nations would have to endure some of Australia ’ s most aggressively mediocre television programs .
UN officials claim that the new PacificAus TV initiative , which will make up to 1000 hours of Australian television available for free @ @ @ @ @ @ @ flagrant violation of the Geneva Conventions .
“ These nations are already suffering heavily from the effects of climate change , and now they won ’ t even be able to channel surf without coming across programs like Border Security , Masterchef , and the Voice .
Many islanders will be unfamiliar with these shows , and will watch them without heed of the consequences.
” The initiative has already been trialled in several Pacific island communities , where locals were forced to watch the entire 2019 season of Neighbours .
Human rights @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ disturbed and fatigued ” by the experience , with one source telling the Chaser : “ The islanders reported continual frustration with the storylines , with many extremely agitated by what they described as plotholes , inconsistant characterisation , and the teenagers ’ unrealistic dialogue .
Many could not understand why a successfully lawyer in his forties would call himself “ Toadfish ” , or why the theme song claims that “ good Neighbours become good friends ” when all the characters do is argue and cheat on each other.
” When @ @ @ @ @ @ @ instead have sent over the best TV that Australia has to offer , Arts Minister Paul Fletcher sheepishly explained that they did .

The federal government has once again come under fire from the United Nations Commission of Human Rights this week, after the announcement that seven Pacific island nations would have to endure some of Australia’s most aggressively mediocre television programs.
UN officials claim that the new PacificAus TV initiative, which will make up to 1000 hours of Australian television available for free to Pacific island broadcasters, represents a flagrant violation of the Geneva Conventions. “These nations are already suffering heavily from the effects of climate change, and now they won’t even be able to channel surf without coming across programs like Border Security, Masterchef, and the Voice. Many islanders will be unfamiliar with these shows, and will watch them without heed of the consequences.”
The initiative has already been trialled in several Pacific island communities, where locals were forced to watch the entire 2019 season of Neighbours. Human rights lawyers allege that the subjects were left “disturbed and fatigued” by the experience, with one source telling the Chaser: “The islanders reported continual frustration with the storylines, with many extremely agitated by what they described as plotholes, inconsistant characterisation, and the teenagers’ unrealistic dialogue. Many could not understand why a successfully lawyer in his forties would call himself “Toadfish”, or why the theme song claims that “good Neighbours become good friends” when all the characters do is argue and cheat on each other.”
When asked why the government couldn’t instead have sent over the best TV that Australia has to offer, Arts Minister Paul Fletcher sheepishly explained that they did.


thechaser--2020-06-01--USA rebrands itself as “States of America”

The country formerly known as the “ United States of America ” has undergone a dramatic rebranding overnight after the world ’ s top marketing and advertising minds met at the now-in-lockdown White House .
Even the world ’ s top branding spinners could not make a case for keeping the “ United ” in Trump ’ s racially , politically , economically , socially , spiritually , culturally and historically divided America .
There was initially some thought given to keeping the name for ironic purposes as inspired by the Democratic People ’ s Republic of North Korea .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ thus paving the way to the most significant renaming since Kentucky Fried Chicken became KFC and then later when KFC became both KFC and Kentucky Fried Chicken again .
Americans ( those who have not fallen victim to the coronavirus or white police officers ) were on brand when reacting to the name change , divided .
“ What is the point of changing it ?
Names do not have to make sense !
Do you think anyone knew what the extra N in CNNNN meant ?
” said one vintage Australian comedy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ name change , the country does not necessarily do it for me but that ’ s a hell of a name ” another said .
Whereas , the President of the now-States of America responded “ FAKE NEWS !
” to our request for comment , in what would be one of his few true statements .
He later responded to the news on Twitter but nobody could see it .

The country formerly known as the “United States of America” has undergone a dramatic rebranding overnight after the world’s top marketing and advertising minds met at the now-in-lockdown White House. Even the world’s top branding spinners could not make a case for keeping the “United” in Trump’s racially, politically, economically, socially, spiritually, culturally and historically divided America.
There was initially some thought given to keeping the name for ironic purposes as inspired by the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea. However, that was eventually rejected, thus paving the way to the most significant renaming since Kentucky Fried Chicken became KFC and then later when KFC became both KFC and Kentucky Fried Chicken again.
Americans (those who have not fallen victim to the coronavirus or white police officers) were on brand when reacting to the name change, divided.
“What is the point of changing it? Names do not have to make sense! Do you think anyone knew what the extra N in CNNNN meant?” said one vintage Australian comedy appreciating American.
“I like the name change, the country does not necessarily do it for me but that’s a hell of a name” another said.
Whereas, the President of the now-States of America responded “FAKE NEWS!” to our request for comment, in what would be one of his few true statements.
He later responded to the news on Twitter but nobody could see it.


thechaser--2020-06-01--Iraq launches invasion to bring democracy to America

The nation of Iraq has today begun the first stages of a mission to bring peace and prosperity to the North American continent , after the nation deployed thousands of forces to stabilise the region in the wake of recent political and social unrest .
The rogue American state , which has been plagued by constant warfare for generations , has recently seen violent clashes breaking across the country between civilians and the military , relating to the oppression of ethnic minorities that live within its borders .
Experts on the area state that relations between two rival factional groups @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ and ‘ Blues ’ have recently broken down , leading to the complete circumvention of democratic processes by the current regime , which holds control over the country ’ s government despite wining a minority of votes at the last election .
The country is also rumoured to have stockpiles of many weapons banned by the United Nations , including various biological weapons and thousands of WMDs .
Representatives for Iraq ’ s government say that this is a joyous time for America ’ s people , who will finally be liberated @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ No longer will your people be forced to work in factories for mere dollars a day , barely able to feed yourselves while those in power line their pockets , ” declared Iraq ’ s President .
“ No longer will your minority groups have to fear being shot walking down the street , no longer will your children see daily gun violence when they should be learning in school .
No longer will your impoverished masses be forced to go without food , or die of preventable disease because of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ entire cities be without clean drinking water .
You are free now.
” Asked how long the reconstruction of America would take , Iraqi officials said that it is expected to last exactly as long as it takes for them to fleece all of America ’ s oil , at which point they will be left to fend for themselves .

The nation of Iraq has today begun the first stages of a mission to bring peace and prosperity to the North American continent, after the nation deployed thousands of forces to stabilise the region in the wake of recent political and social unrest.
The rogue American state, which has been plagued by constant warfare for generations, has recently seen violent clashes breaking across the country between civilians and the military, relating to the oppression of ethnic minorities that live within its borders. Experts on the area state that relations between two rival factional groups, the clans known as ‘Reds’ and ‘Blues’ have recently broken down, leading to the complete circumvention of democratic processes by the current regime, which holds control over the country’s government despite wining a minority of votes at the last election.
The country is also rumoured to have stockpiles of many weapons banned by the United Nations, including various biological weapons and thousands of WMDs.
Representatives for Iraq’s government say that this is a joyous time for America’s people, who will finally be liberated from the horrors of their oppressive rulers. “No longer will your people be forced to work in factories for mere dollars a day, barely able to feed yourselves while those in power line their pockets,” declared Iraq’s President. “No longer will your minority groups have to fear being shot walking down the street, no longer will your children see daily gun violence when they should be learning in school. No longer will your impoverished masses be forced to go without food, or die of preventable disease because of inadequate medical care. No longer will entire cities be without clean drinking water. You are free now.”
Asked how long the reconstruction of America would take, Iraqi officials said that it is expected to last exactly as long as it takes for them to fleece all of America’s oil, at which point they will be left to fend for themselves.


thechaser--2020-06-01--Trump angry he can’t rage tweet as 5G network fails to work from underground bunker

Donald Trump unleashed a flurry of furious unread tweets from the safety of his underground bunker in recent hours .
Unbeknownst to Trump until recently , his tweets were unable to reach the outside world due to his bunker being 2km underground , 500m of which is concrete .
The new 5G towers are famously unable to penetrate through even thin walls .
“ Why is this concrete blocking my tweets ?
!
?
” tweeted a furious Trump to no one before switching tactics and shouting at his aides who could actually hear him , “ This concrete would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wall , not to keep them safe from my amazing and big tweets !
” Upon learning that physics was blocking his tweets , Trump immediately declared his free speech was being censored and demanded that physics be defunded by the U.S government .
Trump then flew into a rage as he remembered a childhood story he ’ d once heard about digging a hole and ending up in China .
“ This is why Twitter isn ’ t working !
!
Obama made this bunker so deep underground we ’ ve ended @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
?
!
” raged Trump while grabbing a shovel and attempting to dig up back to the U.S .

Donald Trump unleashed a flurry of furious unread tweets from the safety of his underground bunker in recent hours. Unbeknownst to Trump until recently, his tweets were unable to reach the outside world due to his bunker being 2km underground, 500m of which is concrete. The new 5G towers are famously unable to penetrate through even thin walls.
“Why is this concrete blocking my tweets?!?” tweeted a furious Trump to no one before switching tactics and shouting at his aides who could actually hear him, “This concrete would be better used on my Mexican border wall, not to keep them safe from my amazing and big tweets!”
Upon learning that physics was blocking his tweets, Trump immediately declared his free speech was being censored and demanded that physics be defunded by the U.S government.
Trump then flew into a rage as he remembered a childhood story he’d once heard about digging a hole and ending up in China. “This is why Twitter isn’t working!! Obama made this bunker so deep underground we’ve ended up in China where Twitter is blocked!?!” raged Trump while grabbing a shovel and attempting to dig up back to the U.S.


thechaser--2020-06-02--Facing national crisis, Trump heads off for quick holiday in Hawaii

President Donald Trump has decided to take a quick , two-week break in Hawaii , amidst a crisis enveloping his @ @ @ @ @ shortly after a call with Australian Prime Minister , Scott Morrison .
The decision has @ @ @ @ @ ’ s critics who say leaders should be present during massive national crises .
But @ @ @ @ @ assured journalists that it was a completely normal thing to do in the time of @ @ @ @ @ I don ’ t see anything wrong in him popping away for a quick break @ @ @ @ @ ” Mr Morrison advised Mr Trump to blame his wife and kids if he ran @ @ @ @ @ Melania really needed the break , ” said Mr Trump .

Facing national crisis, Trump heads off for quick holiday in Hawaii
President Donald Trump has decided to take a quick, two-week break in Hawaii, amidst a crisis enveloping his nation. The decision came shortly after a call with Australian Prime Minister, Scott Morrison.
The decision has been criticised by Mr Trump’s critics who say leaders should be present during massive national crises.
But Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison assured journalists that it was a completely normal thing to do in the time of a massive crisis. “I don’t see anything wrong in him popping away for a quick break at a time like this.”
Mr Morrison advised Mr Trump to blame his wife and kids if he ran into any trouble.
“Melania really needed the break,” said Mr Trump.


thechaser--2020-06-02--Police deny racism, claim murder of black man was just hundreds of isolated incidents

Police across America have today announced they have learned their lesson following recent mis-steps , and have pledged to try harder not to get caught on camera committing blatant crimes , pledging instead to only commit the crimes when nobody is looking .
“ We ’ ve had a lot of introspection over the last week and having seen countless shocking videos of police brutality , we know things can ’ t go on like this , ” said the head of the police union today .
“ That ’ s why from this day forward , we will be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their shoulders twice to make sure nobody is filming before committing any hatecrimes.
” However , the move has been controversial , with many Americans stating their belief that police should be free to just kill black people occasionally without consequences .
“ The fact is I come from a police family , so I simply can not see how the police could be blamed for killing an innocent man while repeatedly being asked to stop by onlookers , ” said one Blue Lives supporter .
“ The fact that these black people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ being shot when our boys in blue are out there day in day out putting their lives on the line , well it almost makes you draw a parallel and gain some introspection , which makes me uncomfortable and the only way I know how to appropriately express that is through rage against the oppressed for making me have to confront my own biases .
”

Police across America have today announced they have learned their lesson following recent mis-steps, and have pledged to try harder not to get caught on camera committing blatant crimes, pledging instead to only commit the crimes when nobody is looking.
“We’ve had a lot of introspection over the last week and having seen countless shocking videos of police brutality, we know things can’t go on like this,” said the head of the police union today. “That’s why from this day forward, we will be asking all police officers to check over their shoulders twice to make sure nobody is filming before committing any hatecrimes.”
However, the move has been controversial, with many Americans stating their belief that police should be free to just kill black people occasionally without consequences. “The fact is I come from a police family, so I simply cannot see how the police could be blamed for killing an innocent man while repeatedly being asked to stop by onlookers,” said one Blue Lives supporter. “The fact that these black people would have the nerve to protest against being shot when our boys in blue are out there day in day out putting their lives on the line, well it almost makes you draw a parallel and gain some introspection, which makes me uncomfortable and the only way I know how to appropriately express that is through rage against the oppressed for making me have to confront my own biases.”


thechaser--2020-06-02--Jesus would have knelt on the neck of an unarmed black man until he died, says Trump

Donald Trump has claimed that the police officer ’ s actions that sparked riots across America were consistent with Jesus ’ message .
Holding a bible still in a cellophane wrapper , the president said he was pretty sure that there was a parable in there about Jesus compressing someone ’ s neck until the point of death while the disciples stood about and did nothing .
Tapping the bible , Trump said “ It says right here in Matthew – ‘ And lo , did Jesus don military apparel with pepper spray and baton , and go forth to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ man unarmed.
’ This is what they ’ re telling me .
And a lot of people agree.
” “ America is a country founded on Christian principles .
The brave officers out there are asking themselves what Jesus , a gun-loving white man with a customised AR-15 and a history of violence against women and minorities , would do in each situation and acting upon it.
” Mr Trump said the bible also condoned ‘ peacefully ’ pepper-spraying protestors , using tear gas against people standing outside the White House and using @ @ @ @ @ @ @ old man .
“ They ’ re all there in the bible .
It ’ s in the Old Testament , I think .
Deuteronomy or Leviticus or someone like that.
” Mr Trump also confirmed that hiding in a bunker with a stack of comic books and a fleshlight was very Jesus-like .

Jesus would have knelt on the neck of an unarmed black man until he died, says Trump
Donald Trump has claimed that the police officer’s actions that sparked riots across America were consistent with Jesus’ message. Holding a bible still in a cellophane wrapper, the president said he was pretty sure that there was a parable in there about Jesus compressing someone’s neck until the point of death while the disciples stood about and did nothing.
Tapping the bible, Trump said “It says right here in Matthew – ‘And lo, did Jesus don military apparel with pepper spray and baton, and go forth to kneel ‘pon the next of a man unarmed.’ This is what they’re telling me. And a lot of people agree.”
“America is a country founded on Christian principles. The brave officers out there are asking themselves what Jesus, a gun-loving white man with a customised AR-15 and a history of violence against women and minorities, would do in each situation and acting upon it.”
Mr Trump said the bible also condoned ‘peacefully’ pepper-spraying protestors, using tear gas against people standing outside the White House and using a riot shield to push over an old man. “They’re all there in the bible. It’s in the Old Testament, I think. Deuteronomy or Leviticus or someone like that.”
Mr Trump also confirmed that hiding in a bunker with a stack of comic books and a fleshlight was very Jesus-like.


thechaser--2020-06-02--Kendall Jenner hospitalised after offering riot police a Pepsi

At Home With The Kardashians star Kendall Jenner has been placed in intensive care today , after a failed attempt @ @ @ @ @ by offering riot police a Pepsi .
Officers who were at the scene have since @ @ @ @ @ stating that they had mistaken her blackfish makeup for an actual African American , and @ @ @ @ @ was a rich white woman they would have simply helped her with any crimes she @ @ @ @ @ the time .
Others at the scene have stated that the officers were just the @ @ @ @ @ of people to throw punches at the celebrity , stating that everyone there knew exactly @ @ @ @ @ Come on now , ” explained one rioter .
“ Punching one of those reality @ @ @ @ @ a billionaire influencer ?
I ’ m not one for violence , but socking one @ @ @ @ @ living out the American dream .
I ’ ll even let the police off the @ @ @ @ @ ”

At Home With The Kardashians star Kendall Jenner has been placed in intensive care today, after a failed attempt to bring peace to America by offering riot police a Pepsi.
Officers who were at the scene have since apologised for their actions, stating that they had mistaken her blackfish makeup for an actual African American, and if they had known she was a rich white woman they would have simply helped her with any crimes she was attempting to commit at the time.
Others at the scene have stated that the officers were just the last in a whole line of people to throw punches at the celebrity, stating that everyone there knew exactly who she was. “Come on now,” explained one rioter. “Punching one of those reality TV Kardashians who is also a billionaire influencer? I’m not one for violence, but socking one of those idiots is basically living out the American dream. I’ll even let the police off the hook this one time.”


thechaser--2020-06-02--Antifa seeks CIA funding after being labelled terrorist group

The concept of being anti-fascist has today applied for funding and training assistance from the CIA , after President Trump @ @ @ @ @ terrorist organisation ” .
When asked whether it made any sense for a leaderless movement @ @ @ @ @ rather than a coherent organisation to apply for funding , a spokesperson for the concept @ @ @ @ @ about as much sense as labelling it a terrorist organisation.
” It is a long-standing @ @ @ @ @ terrorist groups .
Experts say there is not enough space on the internet to provide @ @ @ @ @ organsiations that have been CIA funded over the years , but notable examples include the @ @ @ @ @ Cuban exiles in the 1970s , Colombian paramilitary groups , the Kosovo Liberation Army , @ @ @ @ @ groups .
Oh , and Al Qaeda .
If tradition is any guide , anti-fascists @ @ @ @ @ be flooded with arms , intelligence and training , which will almost immediately backfire spectacularly @ @ @ @ @ achieve essentially the opposite of whatever their aim was in the first place .

The concept of being anti-fascist has today applied for funding and training assistance from the CIA, after President Trump officially designated it a “terrorist organisation”.
When asked whether it made any sense for a leaderless movement that is essentially a world-view rather than a coherent organisation to apply for funding, a spokesperson for the concept said, “It makes about as much sense as labelling it a terrorist organisation.”
It is a long-standing tradition that the CIA funds terrorist groups. Experts say there is not enough space on the internet to provide a full list of terrorist organsiations that have been CIA funded over the years, but notable examples include the contras in Nicaragua, the Cuban exiles in the 1970s, Colombian paramilitary groups, the Kosovo Liberation Army, and more recently Syrian jihadist groups. Oh, and Al Qaeda.
If tradition is any guide, anti-fascists across America are likely to be flooded with arms, intelligence and training, which will almost immediately backfire spectacularly for the CIA, and achieve essentially the opposite of whatever their aim was in the first place.


thechaser--2020-06-03--Police powerless to stop guy robbing servo as he’s clearly having a bad day

Local convenience store Sydney City Extra has today been forced to close its doors , after the entire days earning were taken by a guy who was clearly having a pretty rough one .
“ I just stubbed my toe , now give me all your money , ” shouted the masked criminal in full view of police .
“ Also I just found out I ’ d gained three kilos when I bought this gun , so it ’ s perfectly legal.
” Police on the scene said there was nothing they could do to help the store owners @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of having stubbed his toe checked out on security footage , which placed him into a legally gray ‘ bad day ’ area which can not be policed .
Instead , officers rushed along the process to ensure nobody else was inconvenienced , by helping point the gun at the shopkeeper while the armed assailant filled his hessian sack with money .
However , the criminal almost didn ’ t escape after he was tripped by a member of the public while attempting to flee from the store , and was only able @ @ @ @ @ @ @ help of the police .
“ Easy there mate I got you , ” said one officer as he caught the criminal in his arms , “ gosh look what a terrible day you ’ re having , you just dropped all this cash you just stole .
Here let me help you gather it all up and send you on your way .
”

Local convenience store Sydney City Extra has today been forced to close its doors, after the entire days earning were taken by a guy who was clearly having a pretty rough one. “I just stubbed my toe, now give me all your money,” shouted the masked criminal in full view of police. “Also I just found out I’d gained three kilos when I bought this gun, so it’s perfectly legal.”
Police on the scene said there was nothing they could do to help the store owners, as the criminal’s case of having stubbed his toe checked out on security footage, which placed him into a legally gray ‘bad day’ area which cannot be policed. Instead, officers rushed along the process to ensure nobody else was inconvenienced, by helping point the gun at the shopkeeper while the armed assailant filled his hessian sack with money.
However, the criminal almost didn’t escape after he was tripped by a member of the public while attempting to flee from the store, and was only able to regain his balance thanks to the help of the police. “Easy there mate I got you,” said one officer as he caught the criminal in his arms, “gosh look what a terrible day you’re having, you just dropped all this cash you just stole. Here let me help you gather it all up and send you on your way.”


thechaser--2020-06-03--Murder investigation called off after police learn suspect was having a bad day

Investigation into the home invasion and brutal slaying of a defenceless John Doe has been called off today , after police officers attending the scene uncovered evidence that the perpetrator may have just been having a bad day .
“ Look at these bloody footprints leading towards the door , judging by the tread it looks like they were expensive Nikes airs , ” said the lead forensic investigator upon surveying the scene .
“ God I ’ d be livid if I got blood on those , those stains are never coming out .
Well wrap it up boys @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a terrible day , we can hardly blaming him for taking it out on an innocent bystander.
” Police are appealing for any witnesses who were in the vicinity and who may have seen anything suspicious to come forward , in the hope that they can find the perpetrator and send him a condolence card .
“ Yea clearly the guy ’ s going through something right now , you can tell by the frenzied way he stabbed the victim 50 times , must have had a lot of pent up stress , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ So please , if anyone out there knows who this murderer is , be sure to give him a pat on the back and to ask how his day went , because clearly he ’ s the real victim here .
”

Investigation into the home invasion and brutal slaying of a defenceless John Doe has been called off today, after police officers attending the scene uncovered evidence that the perpetrator may have just been having a bad day.
“Look at these bloody footprints leading towards the door, judging by the tread it looks like they were expensive Nikes airs,” said the lead forensic investigator upon surveying the scene. “God I’d be livid if I got blood on those, those stains are never coming out. Well wrap it up boys, this guy’s clearly had a terrible day, we can hardly blaming him for taking it out on an innocent bystander.”
Police are appealing for any witnesses who were in the vicinity and who may have seen anything suspicious to come forward, in the hope that they can find the perpetrator and send him a condolence card. “Yea clearly the guy’s going through something right now, you can tell by the frenzied way he stabbed the victim 50 times, must have had a lot of pent up stress,” explained the police Chief today. “So please, if anyone out there knows who this murderer is, be sure to give him a pat on the back and to ask how his day went, because clearly he’s the real victim here.”


thechaser--2020-06-03--Criminals overjoyed to learn you can now get away with crimes if you’re having a bad day

Criminals across Australia have today been overjoyed today , after a new ‘ having a bad day ’ defence was introduced into Australia ’ s justice system , allowing them all to be immediately released from custody .
“ For many years there have been consequences for breaking the law , ” explained Australia ’ s Attourney General today , “ like having to pay a fine , do community service , or a few years in jail depending on your skin colour .
But upon learning that most of these people were just having a bad day when they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ couldn ’ t let those charges stand.
” However , police say that this was a mistake on their part , and have since clarified that this rule only applies if you also happen to be in a position of unquestionable power when you commit assault against a mouthy teen .
“ The fact is that young man was saying mean things to the office , ” explained the Chief of police .
“ And like you would expect any trained professional to , he reacted in the heat of the moment by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s fairly standard procedure , just ask any childcare worker or teacher and they ’ ll tell you the only appropriate way to respond to a teenager swearing at you is to faceplant them into the concrete – and you certainly wouldn ’ t lose your job for a simple mistake like that.
” Asked whether it was appropriate to have one set of rules for police officers and a different set of rules for the rest of us , the police said the question made them mildly uncomfortable and as such we @ @ @ @ @ @

Criminals across Australia have been overjoyed today, after a new ‘having a bad day’ defence was introduced into Australia’s justice system, allowing them all to be immediately released from custody.
“For many years there have been consequences for breaking the law,” explained Australia’s Attourney General today, “like having to pay a fine, do community service, or a few years in jail depending on your skin colour. But upon learning that most of these people were just having a bad day when they stabbed or assaulted someone, well I couldn’t let those charges stand.”
However, police say that this was a mistake on their part, and have since clarified that this rule only applies if you also happen to be in a position of unquestionable power when you commit assault against a mouthy teen. “The fact is that young man was saying mean things to the office,” explained the Chief of police. “And like you would expect any trained professional to, he reacted in the heat of the moment by assaulting the young man. It’s fairly standard procedure, just ask any childcare worker or teacher and they’ll tell you the only appropriate way to respond to a teenager swearing at you is to faceplant them into the concrete – and you certainly wouldn’t lose your job for a simple mistake like that.”
Asked whether it was appropriate to have one set of rules for police officers and a different set of rules for the rest of us, the police said the question made them mildly uncomfortable and as such we were being placed under arrest.


thechaser--2020-06-04--‘All Lives Matter’ says man who has never given a damn about another person

Reports are flowing in today that a man who posted ‘ All Lives Matter ’ on Twitter has never once given a shit about another human being .
Asked to clarify his initial comment , Brooklyn resident Kayden McGonagle had to admit that , to him , most lives don ’ t actually matter at all unless they are specifically benefiting him in some way .
McGonagle , who made the post in response to one using the # blacklivesmatter hashtag , says that on reflection he actually doesn ’ t care about either hashtag .
“ I would like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ matter.
” he explained .
“ It doesn ’ t represent who I am as a person .
We all post things on social media in the heat of the moment that we later regret , and this is one of those times.
” “ My position is that some lives , in fact , don ’ t matter very much .
I ’ m not a big fan of people from other countries , for example .
Or people I ’ ve never met .
I mean , I ’ ve never @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a shit ?
” “ Also people who don ’ t use their indicators , people who block footpaths while having a conversation , and anyone who has ever minorly inconvenienced me in any way can all rot in hell.
” The admission is expected to spark a number of similar mea culpas from the type of people who post ‘ All Lives Matter ’ as a pathetic kneejerk response .
For his part , McGonagle has vowed to better represent the person he is on social media for the two hours before @ @ @ @ @

Reports are flowing in today that a man who posted ‘All Lives Matter’ on Twitter has never once given a shit about another human being. Asked to clarify his initial comment, Brooklyn resident Kayden McGonagle had to admit that, to him, most lives don’t actually matter at all unless they are specifically benefiting him in some way.
McGonagle, who made the post in response to one using the #blacklivesmatter hashtag, says that on reflection he actually doesn’t care about either hashtag. “I would like to retract my statement that all lives matter.” he explained. “It doesn’t represent who I am as a person. We all post things on social media in the heat of the moment that we later regret, and this is one of those times.”
“My position is that some lives, in fact, don’t matter very much. I’m not a big fan of people from other countries, for example. Or people I’ve never met. I mean, I’ve never met them so why would I give a shit?”
“Also people who don’t use their indicators, people who block footpaths while having a conversation, and anyone who has ever minorly inconvenienced me in any way can all rot in hell.”
The admission is expected to spark a number of similar mea culpas from the type of people who post ‘All Lives Matter’ as a pathetic kneejerk response. For his part, McGonagle has vowed to better represent the person he is on social media for the two hours before he gets permanently banned.


thechaser--2020-06-04--Nation feigns surprise as government gives handout to rich homeowners

The nation has put on its best surprised face today , upon learning that the Liberal government has chosen to give the next round of stimulus money to rich homeowners , in order to help them increase the values on their properties .
“ Wow never saw that coming , ” sighed one Australian today .
“ I ’ ve always said the one industry that really needs propping up in this country is the housing market .
Absolutely nobody there is getting rich off that already .
Glad we could give those battlers a hand up.
” The news @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Liberal Minister Peter Dutton , who had completely forgotten he owned nine houses when he helped make the decision .
“ Gosh , the government wants to give thousands of dollars to me , a struggling home owner ?
” blushed Dutton .
“ Why this is even better than that handout to child care owners a few months back , which coincidentally also benefited me .
Good golly , what are the odds.
” Asked what they had planned for the thousands of entertainment industry and tourism industry workers who were currently @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the government said they already had plans underway to retrain them as real estate agents , to help boost the country ’ s much more needy housing industry .

The nation has put on its best surprised face today, upon learning that the Liberal government has chosen to give the next round of stimulus money to rich homeowners, in order to help them increase the values on their properties.
“Wow never saw that coming,” sighed one Australian today. “I’ve always said the one industry that really needs propping up in this country is the housing market. Absolutely nobody there is getting rich off that already. Glad we could give those battlers a hand up.”
The news has come as a great surprise to Liberal Minister Peter Dutton, who had completely forgotten he owned nine houses when he helped make the decision. “Gosh, the government wants to give thousands of dollars to me, a struggling home owner?” blushed Dutton. “Why this is even better than that handout to child care owners a few months back, which coincidentally also benefited me. Good golly, what are the odds.”
Asked what they had planned for the thousands of entertainment industry and tourism industry workers who were currently now entering their third month of unemployment, the government said they already had plans underway to retrain them as real estate agents, to help boost the country’s much more needy housing industry.