thechaser--2020-03-03--Daily Telegraph sales skyrocket as shoppers stock up on cheap toilet paper

The Daily Telegraph has been saved from the brink of financial ruin today as frantic shoppers bought up the paper in droves in an attempt to stock up on toilet paper in the wake of a coronavirus outbreak .
“ These 12 issues of the Telegraph should cover us for about eight weeks of bathroom needs , ” said local shopper Ricky Rick McRickson , “ oh wait , damn look at this , it ’ s all already been used !
?
Wait no , that ’ s just the journalism , nevermind.
” However , the paper has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ threat of coronavirus in order to increase sales , with overly sensational headlines sending the public into a panic .
“ I don ’ t know what you ’ re talking about , ” said lead Telegraph editor Mindy McName , “ I think our headline ‘ You ’ re all going to die , flee the country now you fools ’ appropriately captured the danger of a situation where 20 people across an entire country have felt a bit sick .
Would you rather have us run headlines where we just state @ @ @ @ @ @ @ calm ?
What good would that do ?
” Asked whether they would be applying the same level of coverage to the equally pressing issue of climate change , the Telegraph said they had never heard of such a thing , and instead they would be devoting all their reporting power towards covering the much more serious threat of unisex toilets .

The Daily Telegraph has been saved from the brink of financial ruin today as frantic shoppers bought up the paper in droves in an attempt to stock up on toilet paper in the wake of a coronavirus outbreak.
“These 12 issues of the Telegraph should cover us for about eight weeks of bathroom needs,” said local shopper Ricky Rick McRickson, “oh wait, damn look at this, it’s all already been used!? Wait no, that’s just the journalism, nevermind.”
However, the paper has been met with accusations of inflating the threat of coronavirus in order to increase sales, with overly sensational headlines sending the public into a panic. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said lead Telegraph editor Mindy McName, “I think our headline ‘You’re all going to die, flee the country now you fools’ appropriately captured the danger of a situation where 20 people across an entire country have felt a bit sick. Would you rather have us run headlines where we just state the facts and try to keep everyone calm? What good would that do?”
Asked whether they would be applying the same level of coverage to the equally pressing issue of climate change, the Telegraph said they had never heard of such a thing, and instead they would be devoting all their reporting power towards covering the much more serious threat of unisex toilets.


thechaser--2020-03-03--Nation suffers toilet paper shortages as Engadine Maccas stocks up for visit from PM

The nation of Australia has been gripped by a national shortage of toilet paper today , following news that Prime @ @ @ @ @ embarking on a ceremonial visit to his second home at Engadine Maccas .
“ You @ @ @ @ @ , ” said one Engadine staffer , as he emptied the shelves of his fifth @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve learned from past experience that 2400 rolls is just not enough for turds @ @ @ @ @ With toilet paper supplies dwindling , the nation ’ s toilet goers have been forced @ @ @ @ @ forms of toilet paper , such as the Daily Telegraph , and other Murdoch publications @ @ @ @ @ on to the new market , with premium mastheads such as the Australian launching new @ @ @ @ @ the ultimate luxury experience .

The nation of Australia has been gripped by a national shortage of toilet paper today, following news that Prime Minister Scott Morrison would be embarking on a ceremonial visit to his second home at Engadine Maccas.
“You can never be too prepared,” said one Engadine staffer, as he emptied the shelves of his fifth local supermarket, “we’ve learned from past experience that 2400 rolls is just not enough for turds as big as ScoMo.”
With toilet paper supplies dwindling, the nation’s toilet goers have been forced to resort to other alternative forms of toilet paper, such as the Daily Telegraph, and other Murdoch publications. Some have even latched on to the new market, with premium mastheads such as the Australian launching new 2-ply editions to deliver subscribers the ultimate luxury experience.


thechaser--2020-03-03--Local man ready for pandemic if it involves nothing but going to the toilet for 12 weeks

Local shoppers have this week ensured they are well prepared for a week of two of mild flu-like symptoms by @ @ @ @ @ toiletpaper and nothing else .
“ That should do it , ” said local father @ @ @ @ @ unloaded the thirtieth 20-pack of loo-rolls , “ we ’ re now completely prepared should @ @ @ @ @ constantly going to the toilet for 12 weeks straight.
” However , despite the stockpiling @ @ @ @ @ 200 rolls of toilet paper may not be enough for some families should a week @ @ @ @ @ “ We have ordered emergency shipments of backup toilet paper to help out those families @ @ @ @ @ ” said Scott Morrison today .
“ The shipment is expected to arrive from China @ @ @ @ @ , shit I forgot about the quarantine , it ’ s going to take months @ @ @ @ @ you ’ re listening get to the shops ASAP and grab any paper towel you @ @ @ @

Local man ready for pandemic if it involves nothing but going to the toilet for 12 weeks
Local shoppers have this week ensured they are well prepared for a week of two of mild flu-like symptoms by stockpiling a years worth of toiletpaper and nothing else.
“That should do it,” said local father of three Darren as he unloaded the thirtieth 20-pack of loo-rolls, “we’re now completely prepared should this virus involve nothing but constantly going to the toilet for 12 weeks straight.”
However, despite the stockpiling, government officials have warned 200 rolls of toilet paper may not be enough for some families should a week long quarantine be enacted. “We have ordered emergency shipments of backup toilet paper to help out those families with multiple teenage boys,” said Scott Morrison today. “The shipment is expected to arrive from China any day now. Wait, shit I forgot about the quarantine, it’s going to take months to arrive, Jenny if you’re listening get to the shops ASAP and grab any paper towel you can find.”


thechaser--2020-03-03--Median price of a roll of Sydney toilet paper soars above $1m

The dream of owning a roll of toilet paper has been put out of the reach of many millennials after the government released figures showing the median price of a family-sized roll of toilet paper in Sydney had soared above $ 1 million .
Commentators say owning a sheet of toilet paper is now essentially impossible for prospective first-toilet-roll buyers .
“ We ’ re just constantly bideted out of the market , ” one disheartened millennial told The Chaser .
Economists blamed the spike on boomers who have invested in several rolls of toilet paper , and kept it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them back onto the market .
The government said it had a subsidy scheme designed to help milennials who had saved enough for a deposit to get into their first sheet , but critics have labelled the scheme as “ flimsy ” and “ not worth the toilet paper it was written on.
” Economists said boomers should simply rent out their toilet paper , a sheet at a time , to struggling millennials .
One millennial that said that he shares his sheet of toilet paper with five friends in order to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ described as “ not ideal.
” Meanwhile , Scott Morrison had his own advice for young people struggling to enter the toilet paper market .
“ Just stop eating fibre .
”

The dream of owning a roll of toilet paper has been put out of the reach of many millennials after the government released figures showing the median price of a family-sized roll of toilet paper in Sydney had soared above $1 million.
Commentators say owning a sheet of toilet paper is now essentially impossible for prospective first-toilet-roll buyers.
“We’re just constantly bideted out of the market,” one disheartened millennial told The Chaser.
Economists blamed the spike on boomers who have invested in several rolls of toilet paper, and kept it all for themselves, rather than releasing them back onto the market.
The government said it had a subsidy scheme designed to help milennials who had saved enough for a deposit to get into their first sheet, but critics have labelled the scheme as “flimsy” and “not worth the toilet paper it was written on.”
Economists said boomers should simply rent out their toilet paper, a sheet at a time, to struggling millennials.
One millennial that said that he shares his sheet of toilet paper with five friends in order to make ends meet, a situation he described as “not ideal.”
Meanwhile, Scott Morrison had his own advice for young people struggling to enter the toilet paper market. “Just stop eating fibre.”


thechaser--2020-03-03--Government says it has stockpiled enough scandals to last entire pandemic

Scott Morrison said that the government has stockpiled emergency supplies of corruption and mismanagment scandals that should last till the end of the Coronavirus outbreak .
“ We go through a hell of a lot of scandals as a government , so it was only prudent to stock up to last us through the coming months , ” Mr Morrison said .
The Prime Minister announced the scandals would run from run-of-the-mill misuse of government funds , all the way to one involving a staffer , a pineapple and a forty-four gallon drum of KY Jelly .
“ Barnaby ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” he said .
“ We ’ re storing them in Michaelia Cash ’ s Gold Coast apartment , ” said Mr Morrison .
“ It ’ s great for her , because everytime she needs to go and visit them , she can claim travel allowance and charge the cost back to the taxpayer — that ’ s a whole extra scandal right there !
” He said that Angus Taylor had been working overtime in generating sufficient supplies of scandals .
“ It ’ s a pity we used by that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ council document of travel expenses .
That would have been great to have available in an emergency , when we were running low on scandals.
” “ But I ’ m sure Angus Taylor can come up with dozens more , ” he said confidentally .
Asked about his favourite scandals of the past few months , Mr Morrison said the Sports Rorts saga was great because it had so many twists and turns .
“ Bridget McKenzie has outdone herself with that cock-up .
Now it ’ s not just about the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the cover-up and the corrupt handling of eligibility criteria even after we ’ d signed off on it , ” he said smiling , before correcting himself .
“ I mean , after SHE had signed off on it.
” He added that the colour-coded spreadsheets gave it a real “ visual impact.
” But Mr Morrison said there were almost too many scandals to mention .
“ Angus Taylor setting up a Cayman Island ’ s based company , and then selling non-existent water to Barnaby Joyce for $ 80m is probably @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of sheer audacity.
” “ But don ’ t forget that Peter Dutton-linked company Paladin – where the government awarded a $ 432m non-tender contract to a firm run out of a beach shack.
” Mr Morrison said that if the stockpile of scandals ran out , it would be a real crisis which means he would probably head back to Hawaii for a quick break .

Government says it has stockpiled enough scandals to last entire pandemic
Scott Morrison said that the government has stockpiled emergency supplies of corruption and mismanagment scandals that should last till the end of the Coronavirus outbreak.
“We go through a hell of a lot of scandals as a government, so it was only prudent to stock up to last us through the coming months,” Mr Morrison said.
The Prime Minister announced the scandals would run from run-of-the-mill misuse of government funds, all the way to one involving a staffer, a pineapple and a forty-four gallon drum of KY Jelly. “Barnaby’s in charge of that one,” he said.
“We’re storing them in Michaelia Cash’s Gold Coast apartment,” said Mr Morrison. “It’s great for her, because everytime she needs to go and visit them, she can claim travel allowance and charge the cost back to the taxpayer — that’s a whole extra scandal right there!”
He said that Angus Taylor had been working overtime in generating sufficient supplies of scandals. “It’s a pity we used by that bizarre one involving the forged Sydney City council document of travel expenses. That would have been great to have available in an emergency, when we were running low on scandals.”
“But I’m sure Angus Taylor can come up with dozens more,” he said confidentally.
Asked about his favourite scandals of the past few months, Mr Morrison said the Sports Rorts saga was great because it had so many twists and turns. “Bridget McKenzie has outdone herself with that cock-up. Now it’s not just about the original pork-barrelling. It’s about the cover-up and the corrupt handling of eligibility criteria even after we’d signed off on it,” he said smiling, before correcting himself. “I mean, after SHE had signed off on it.” He added that the colour-coded spreadsheets gave it a real “visual impact.”
But Mr Morrison said there were almost too many scandals to mention. “Angus Taylor setting up a Cayman Island’s based company, and then selling non-existent water to Barnaby Joyce for $80m is probably the best one yet, in terms of sheer audacity.”
“But don’t forget that Peter Dutton-linked company Paladin – where the government awarded a $432m non-tender contract to a firm run out of a beach shack.”
Mr Morrison said that if the stockpile of scandals ran out, it would be a real crisis which means he would probably head back to Hawaii for a quick break.


thechaser--2020-03-03--Media can’t work out why nation with Scott Morrison in charge is in a panic

The nation has woken up to a national media storm mystified by yesterday ’ s mass panic buying of essentials such as toilet paper , pasta and lube .
“ Officials say there is no need to panic , ” said Darren , who was buying enough toilet paper to last him and his family until 2047 .
“ It ’ s almost like they ’ ve forgotten who ’ s running this country.
” Speaking off the record , senior officials admitted that making sure there is enough toilet paper is well outside the Federal Government ’ s current @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pandemic .
“ Unless the toilet is at in a sports club in a marginal seat in the Cayman Islands , in which case , it ’ ll get more toilet paper than you can ever imagine.
” When questioned about Scott Morrison ’ s ability to ensure sufficient supply of toilet paper , his wife Jenny referred the question to Engadine Maccas .
Although , speaking off the record , she confirmed everyone should be in a mass panic .
“ You ’ ve seen him .
He ’ s a complete @ @ @

Media can’t work out why nation with Scott Morrison in charge is in a panic
The nation has woken up to a national media storm mystified by yesterday’s mass panic buying of essentials such as toilet paper, pasta and lube.
“Officials say there is no need to panic,” said Darren, who was buying enough toilet paper to last him and his family until 2047. “It’s almost like they’ve forgotten who’s running this country.”
Speaking off the record, senior officials admitted that making sure there is enough toilet paper is well outside the Federal Government’s current abilities, let alone managing a massive pandemic.
“Unless the toilet is at in a sports club in a marginal seat in the Cayman Islands, in which case, it’ll get more toilet paper than you can ever imagine.”
When questioned about Scott Morrison’s ability to ensure sufficient supply of toilet paper, his wife Jenny referred the question to Engadine Maccas. Although, speaking off the record, she confirmed everyone should be in a mass panic. “You’ve seen him. He’s a complete dolt.”


thechaser--2020-03-04--Government under investigation after redirecting all toilet paper to marginal seats

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today launched an investigation into himself following accusations of corruption over the distribution of the nation ’ s emergency toilet paper supplies .
The investigation follows the revelation that all the nation ’ s toilet paper supplies have been redirected to a handful of Woolworths stores in marginal electorates .
“ I have looked into the allegations and found that everything I did was above board , ” announced Morrison from his new base of operations in Hawaii tonight .
“ The fact is these electorates were in greater need than everyone else , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spreadsheet to prove it.
” The scandal is just the latest in a string of mis-steps for the Prime Minister this week , with Morrison already having had to be quarantined for three days after forcibly shaking the hands of a coronavirus victim in an attempt to console them , and then attempting to scrap the public hospital where they are being treated .
“ The fact is these doctors want to be be there , ” said Morrison , trying to justify the cutbacks .
“ Besides we don ’ t even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ national crisis , that ’ s what our cricket team is for.
” UPDATE : It has now been revealed that the toilet paper was in fact redirected to the marginal electorate of Engadine to prepare for the Prime Minister ’ s visit

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today launched an investigation into himself following accusations of corruption over the distribution of the nation’s emergency toilet paper supplies. The investigation follows the revelation that all the nation’s toilet paper supplies have been redirected to a handful of Woolworths stores in marginal electorates.
“I have looked into the allegations and found that everything I did was above board,” announced Morrison from his new base of operations in Hawaii tonight. “The fact is these electorates were in greater need than everyone else, and I’ve got the colour coded spreadsheet to prove it.”
The scandal is just the latest in a string of mis-steps for the Prime Minister this week, with Morrison already having had to be quarantined for three days after forcibly shaking the hands of a coronavirus victim in an attempt to console them, and then attempting to scrap the public hospital where they are being treated. “The fact is these doctors want to be be there,” said Morrison, trying to justify the cutbacks. “Besides we don’t even need hospitals to heal people in a national crisis, that’s what our cricket team is for.”
UPDATE: It has now been revealed that the toilet paper was in fact redirected to the marginal electorate of Engadine to prepare for the Prime Minister’s visit


thechaser--2020-03-04--Entire workplace just happens to be subtly browsing by the toilets at 5pm

Workplaces across Australia have today been forced to hire armed guards to stand outside staff toilets to stop and frisk employees for stolen toilet paper .
“ We can ’ t take any risks , ” said one CEO today , “ with the stock market on the slide , that toilet paper is now our businesses most valuable asset.
” The toilet paper is so valuable in fact that companies are opting to instead require staff use public restrooms , in order to free up the toilet paper for resale on the black market .
“ We ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with some people offering upwards of a million dollars for a roll , ” said one secretary .
“ It ’ s very odd , we don ’ t even make toilet paper , we ’ re a leading Adelaide newspaper , but I guess people really are getting desperate.
” However , the armed guards did little to deter attempts by staff to bulk up on supplies , with the entire Australian workforce found coincidentally mingling around the office toilet doors at clockoff time today .
“ Oh would you look at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I guess I ’ ll just pop into the bathroom , ” they all said simultaneously , before descending into a frantic fistfight to claim the last roll .
“ No this is mine , I brought this one from home !
” one woman was heard screaming while being dragged away by armed guards .
“ What if I pay you ?
Three sheets , four ?
Come on , we could be millionaires !
”

Workplaces across Australia have today been forced to hire armed guards to stand outside staff toilets to stop and frisk employees for stolen toilet paper. “We can’t take any risks,” said one CEO today, “with the stock market on the slide, that toilet paper is now our businesses most valuable asset.”
The toilet paper is so valuable in fact that companies are opting to instead require staff use public restrooms, in order to free up the toilet paper for resale on the black market. “We’ve had offers coming in all day, with some people offering upwards of a million dollars for a roll,” said one secretary. “It’s very odd, we don’t even make toilet paper, we’re a leading Adelaide newspaper, but I guess people really are getting desperate.”
However, the armed guards did little to deter attempts by staff to bulk up on supplies, with the entire Australian workforce found coincidentally mingling around the office toilet doors at clockoff time today. “Oh would you look at that, time to go home, I guess I’ll just pop into the bathroom,” they all said simultaneously, before descending into a frantic fistfight to claim the last roll. “No this is mine, I brought this one from home!” one woman was heard screaming while being dragged away by armed guards. “What if I pay you? Three sheets, four? Come on, we could be millionaires!”


thechaser--2020-03-04--Widespread panic hits as Corona Virus found to transmit via toilet paper

Shelves at Woolworths stores across Australia have been overloaded with a sea of returned toilet paper today , following a report by the World Health Organisation confirming that toilet paper is the main source of the coronavirus outbreak .
“ If you ’ ve got six maybe eight rolls in your house you should be fine , ” explained the lead WHO scientist , “ but anyone that has come into contact with two or more bulk packs in the last twenty four hours is almost certainly going to die.
” Doctors say the only cure for the toilet-paper induced @ @ @ @ @ @ @ copies of 65 page staple bound paperback magazines , such as the Chaser Quarterly .
“ Buy as many as you possibly can , cover your entire house with them , ” scientists warned , “ in fact , buy everything in the Chaser ’ s shop just to be safe.
” Asked what other products may cause the coronavirus , scientists said that petroleum and coal products probably play a role too .
“ I ’ d strongly suggest avoiding any and all machinery that involves the use of petrol or coal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ also you should brush your teeth twice a day , stand to one side of any escalator to let others pass , and always make sure you indicate when merging in traffic .
These small steps could mean the difference between you living or dying of coronavirus.
” “ Also you should probably have sex with lots of scientists .
You know , just to be safe .
”

Shelves at Woolworths stores across Australia have been overloaded with a sea of returned toilet paper today, following a report by the World Health Organisation confirming that toilet paper is the main source of the coronavirus outbreak.
“If you’ve got six maybe eight rolls in your house you should be fine,” explained the lead WHO scientist, “but anyone that has come into contact with two or more bulk packs in the last twenty four hours is almost certainly going to die.”
Doctors say the only cure for the toilet-paper induced coronavirus is to immediately stock up on copies of 65 page staple bound paperback magazines, such as the Chaser Quarterly. “Buy as many as you possibly can, cover your entire house with them,” scientists warned, “in fact, buy everything in the Chaser’s shop just to be safe.”
Asked what other products may cause the coronavirus, scientists said that petroleum and coal products probably play a role too. “I’d strongly suggest avoiding any and all machinery that involves the use of petrol or coal,” said one chief scientist, “also you should brush your teeth twice a day, stand to one side of any escalator to let others pass, and always make sure you indicate when merging in traffic. These small steps could mean the difference between you living or dying of coronavirus.”
“Also you should probably have sex with lots of scientists. You know, just to be safe.”


thechaser--2020-03-04--Local man starts looking up coffins after someone on bus coughs

With the looming threat of a potential Coronavirus pandemic many Australians have been stockpiling essential items , sadly for local man James he had to take preparations a step further and purchase a coffin for himself .
He claims he had to purchase this coffin after a stranger sitting at the other end of the bus coughed , a scene that could have come straight out of a horror film .
We reached out to the victim to hear what he is going through right now and luckily , he agreed to talk to us via email as to not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s terrifying , ” he wrote , “ I don ’ t understand how it could happen .
I was just so unlucky , it couldn ’ t have happened at a worse time .
I always wear a mask but I was thirsty so I took it off to have drink and that ’ s when the stranger coughed .
So , I did what any rational person would do , I called in sick went straight home.
” “ The first thing I did was cover myself head to toe in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ But I could feel it was already too late .
I am done for .
At that point I remembered the best thing to do is be prepared , so I went ahead and ordered a coffin for myself .
I was worried that they might be running low due to the number of other victims that could be out there , but luckily they still had some left in stock.
” “ I hope other people can learn from my mistakes , ” he wrote , “ I was a fool and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I don ’ t know where to put it in my apartment , my place is already packed with the hand sanitiser and toilet paper that I have been stockpiling .
How am I going to use it all in time ?
I guess it doesn ’ t matter if I wasted my life savings at this point anyway.
” We reached out to funeral homes and other coffin sellers to see if this is a common occurrence , and it seems like we could be on the brink of a nation-wide shortage @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cases people haven ’ t been in situations like James , it is just people being prepared for the worst .
Remember if you are planning to order a coffin just in case , you can also use it to store some of the items you have stockpiled for the pandemic .

With the looming threat of a potential Coronavirus pandemic many Australians have been stockpiling essential items, sadly for local man James he had to take preparations a step further and purchase a coffin for himself. He claims he had to purchase this coffin after a stranger sitting at the other end of the bus coughed, a scene that could have come straight out of a horror film.
We reached out to the victim to hear what he is going through right now and luckily, he agreed to talk to us via email as to not put ourselves at risk.
It’s terrifying,” he wrote, “I don’t understand how it could happen. I was just so unlucky, it couldn’t have happened at a worse time. I always wear a mask but I was thirsty so I took it off to have drink and that’s when the stranger coughed. So, I did what any rational person would do, I called in sick went straight home.”
“The first thing I did was cover myself head to toe in hand sanitiser.” He continued, “But I could feel it was already too late. I am done for. At that point I remembered the best thing to do is be prepared, so I went ahead and ordered a coffin for myself. I was worried that they might be running low due to the number of other victims that could be out there, but luckily they still had some left in stock.”
“I hope other people can learn from my mistakes,” he wrote, “I was a fool and paid the price. Worst of all I don’t know where to put it in my apartment, my place is already packed with the hand sanitiser and toilet paper that I have been stockpiling. How am I going to use it all in time? I guess it doesn’t matter if I wasted my life savings at this point anyway.”
We reached out to funeral homes and other coffin sellers to see if this is a common occurrence, and it seems like we could be on the brink of a nation-wide shortage. The good news is in most cases people haven’t been in situations like James, it is just people being prepared for the worst. Remember if you are planning to order a coffin just in case, you can also use it to store some of the items you have stockpiled for the pandemic.


thechaser--2020-03-04--PM appoints Australian cricket team to lead Coronavirus response

Hawaiian ex-pat and occasional Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today announced strong new measures to halt the spread of the novel coronavirus , appointing the national cricket team to head the fight against the virus .
“ After the spectacular job our boys did fighting the bushfires , they are obviously the most qualified to handle this crisis , ” the PM explained this morning .
“ To assist them , $ 150 million in emergency funding has been approved to extend the cricket season for the entire year , with a test match every week .
We also have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ case infections start to really get out of control and we need go to two matches a week.
” The Prime Minister assured the public that he will be closely overseeing their efforts , both from his private box at the MCG and via satellite at the government ’ s newly established coronavirus Response Headquarters in Honolulu .
At a press conference , test captain Tim Paine said that the team is looking forward to the new responsibility .
“ Things like this are always tough , of course , particularly the amount @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to spend with Scott Morrison , but we ’ ve never backed down from a challenge.
” In the hours since the appointment , massive sandpaper shortages have been reported from hardware stores across the nation .
UPDATE : The plan has now been scrapped as the entire national cricket team has since died of coronavirus after being forced to shake ScoMo ’ s hand

Hawaiian ex-pat and occasional Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today announced strong new measures to halt the spread of the novel coronavirus, appointing the national cricket team to head the fight against the virus.
“After the spectacular job our boys did fighting the bushfires, they are obviously the most qualified to handle this crisis,” the PM explained this morning. “To assist them, $150 million in emergency funding has been approved to extend the cricket season for the entire year, with a test match every week. We also have another $50 million set aside in case infections start to really get out of control and we need go to two matches a week.”
The Prime Minister assured the public that he will be closely overseeing their efforts, both from his private box at the MCG and via satellite at the government’s newly established coronavirus Response Headquarters in Honolulu.
At a press conference, test captain Tim Paine said that the team is looking forward to the new responsibility. “Things like this are always tough, of course, particularly the amount of time we’ll likely have to spend with Scott Morrison, but we’ve never backed down from a challenge.”
In the hours since the appointment, massive sandpaper shortages have been reported from hardware stores across the nation.
UPDATE: The plan has now been scrapped as the entire national cricket team has since died of coronavirus after being forced to shake ScoMo’s hand


thechaser--2020-03-04--Olympic team reveal new 2020 uniform

Olympic team reveal new 2020 uniform

The Australian Olympic team have today unveiled their official uniform for the Tokyo games .
With the Ghostbusters theme blasting in the background , CEO of the Australian Olympic Committee Mark Carrol debuted the new outfit this morning outside St Vincent ’ s Hospital .
Mr Carrol took off his face mask before telling the press he is very excited to see how the full body airtight suit will improve Australian athletes ’ performance .
“ We know our athletes will do us proud in Japan as they compete not just against other nations , but a virus as well @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is why all our Aussies will be donning the new ‘ haz-mate ’ suit for their respective events.
” When quizzed about whether the suits were practical for competing in , Mr Carrol scoffed .
“ People doubted Cathy Freeman ’ s bodysuit and she won gold !
People said Ian Thorpe ’ s suit would never fly , and it lasted years before they banned it !
I ’ m confident this is the extra 1 % our athletes need to jump over , run past and outperform any collapsed or diseased @ @ @ @ @ @ @ full-body Stephen Bradbury outfit.
” However , the uniform has not pleased everyone , with the Australian men ’ s diving team complaining it will make it difficult to meet the requirements of the sport .
“ The whole competition in men ’ s diving these days is to see how little actual clothing you can without being banned from the sport for obscenity , ” explained one diver .
“ If us olympians are forced to cover up , where are the world ’ s perverts supposed to go to see borderline @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Thrones ?
Don ’ t make me laugh.
” “ No but seriously , don ’ t make me laugh , my lungs are in serious pain .
”

The Australian Olympic team have today unveiled their official uniform for the Tokyo games. With the Ghostbusters theme blasting in the background, CEO of the Australian Olympic Committee Mark Carrol debuted the new outfit this morning outside St Vincent’s Hospital.
Mr Carrol took off his face mask before telling the press he is very excited to see how the full body airtight suit will improve Australian athletes’ performance. “We know our athletes will do us proud in Japan as they compete not just against other nations, but a virus as well,” he explained. “This is why all our Aussies will be donning the new ‘haz-mate’ suit for their respective events.”
When quizzed about whether the suits were practical for competing in, Mr Carrol scoffed. “People doubted Cathy Freeman’s bodysuit and she won gold! People said Ian Thorpe’s suit would never fly, and it lasted years before they banned it! I’m confident this is the extra 1% our athletes need to jump over, run past and outperform any collapsed or diseased competitor. Think of it like a full-body Stephen Bradbury outfit.”
However, the uniform has not pleased everyone, with the Australian men’s diving team complaining it will make it difficult to meet the requirements of the sport. “The whole competition in men’s diving these days is to see how little actual clothing you can without being banned from the sport for obscenity,” explained one diver. “If us olympians are forced to cover up, where are the world’s perverts supposed to go to see borderline nudity in a G-rated context? Game of Thrones? Don’t make me laugh.”
“No but seriously, don’t make me laugh, my lungs are in serious pain.”


thechaser--2020-03-04--Democrats select Joe Biden to lose the next election

The Democratic Party has today somehow managed to lose their own primaries contest after a large number of delegates opted for a slightly more senile and male version of Hilary Clinton over a wildly popular candidate with a groundswell of support behind him , and no current widespread conspiracy theories about his link to Ukraine .
Asked why they opted to vote for Joe Biden over Bernie Sanders , democratic delegates said that while they liked Bernie ’ s message , they had been put off by his annoying fans .
“ You know they called me names on twitter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reasonable justification to stop supporting giving everyone in America healthcare , ” said one delegate , “ and unlike Bernie and his annoying followers who won ’ t shut up about how ‘ good ’ and ‘ electable ’ he is , Biden doesn ’ t seem to have a single fan anywhere , so he seemed to me like perfect choice.
” Accepting the nomination , Biden was gracious , stating that he is looking forward to having his entire legacy destroyed by Fox News over the next four months .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ am excited to be given the opportunity to lose the next election , ” announced Biden .
“ I think we can all agree that what America has been calling out for is another moderate , middle of the road candidate who offends nobody and who most people just shrug when they hear the name of .
Please clap .
”

The Democratic Party has today somehow managed to lose their own primaries contest after a large number of delegates opted for a slightly more senile and male version of Hilary Clinton over a wildly popular candidate with a groundswell of support behind him, and no current widespread conspiracy theories about his link to Ukraine.
Asked why they opted to vote for Joe Biden over Bernie Sanders, democratic delegates said that while they liked Bernie’s message, they had been put off by his annoying fans. “You know they called me names on twitter, which I think is a perfectly reasonable justification to stop supporting giving everyone in America healthcare,” said one delegate, “and unlike Bernie and his annoying followers who won’t shut up about how ‘good’ and ‘electable’ he is, Biden doesn’t seem to have a single fan anywhere, so he seemed to me like perfect choice.”
Accepting the nomination, Biden was gracious, stating that he is looking forward to having his entire legacy destroyed by Fox News over the next four months. “I appreciate your votes, and I am excited to be given the opportunity to lose the next election,” announced Biden. “I think we can all agree that what America has been calling out for is another moderate, middle of the road candidate who offends nobody and who most people just shrug when they hear the name of. Please clap.”


thechaser--2020-03-04--Hit with coronavirus, Extinction Rebellion stages actual die-in

In a novel twist to its normal protests , the members of an entire branch of Extinction Rebellion have all died while staging a “ die-in ” .
The protest was designed to symbolise their future under climate change , but it became their actual present under coronavirus .
Members of the public observing the protest initially thought it was just very convincing street theatre .
“ It really looked as though they were all dead , ” said one bystander .
“ And then I realised — that ’ s because they are.
” Police praised the forethought of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ large black coffins as part of the street theatre .
“ Yeah , they came in handy , ” said one officer charged with clearing away the bodies .
Commuters who were inconvienced by the die-in , expressed frustration at the protest action .
“ They ’ ve caused a huge traffic jam !
I wish they were dead .
Oh wait , they are , ” said one driver .
Experts say that without die in protests , it ’ s unclear how climate change will now be solved .
“ That @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one environmentalist .

In a novel twist to its normal protests, the members of an entire branch of Extinction Rebellion have all died while staging a “die-in”.
The protest was designed to symbolise their future under climate change, but it became their actual present under coronavirus.
Members of the public observing the protest initially thought it was just very convincing street theatre. “It really looked as though they were all dead,” said one bystander. “And then I realised — that’s because they are.”
Police praised the forethought of the protesters, who brought along several large black coffins as part of the street theatre. “Yeah, they came in handy,” said one officer charged with clearing away the bodies.
Commuters who were inconvienced by the die-in, expressed frustration at the protest action. “They’ve caused a huge traffic jam! I wish they were dead. Oh wait, they are,” said one driver.
Experts say that without die in protests, it’s unclear how climate change will now be solved. “That was our only strategy,” said one environmentalist.


thechaser--2020-03-02--Australian government to introduce level 2 toilet paper restrictions

The Australian government has today rolled out level two toilet paper restrictions in the face of national shortages .
The move , which will come into effect this afternoon , will see Australians limited to folding their toilet paper instead of scrunching it , or doing that weird thing that some people do where they wrap their hand in it to make a glove .
The move is expected to be particularly hard on that one housemate in every sharehouse who seems to manage to go through an entire roll a day somehow , with other Australians expected to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll probably be for the best , ” said one sharehouse resident Gus Waller today .
“ I don ’ t think Greg ’ s parents told him you ’ re not supposed to use up an entire roll in a single bog sesh .
It ’ s not exactly something I ’ m going to bring up , but it ’ ll seriously cut down on household expenses if we don ’ t have to buy a fresh 12 pack every second day.
” The restrictions will come with a range @ @ @ @ @ @ @ students asked to just fork out the extra 50c for an actual box of Kleenex for their living room table , and teenage boys being requested to transition to using socks in certain applicable cases .
Purchasers of 3-and-up-ply will also be asked to seperate each sheet into single ply , and to distribute the excess amongst friends and neighbours who are in need , until enough of the population is killed off by coronavirus that there is again enough toilet paper for everyone .

The Australian government has today rolled out level two toilet paper restrictions in the face of national shortages. The move, which will come into effect this afternoon, will see Australians limited to folding their toilet paper instead of scrunching it, or doing that weird thing that some people do where they wrap their hand in it to make a glove.
The move is expected to be particularly hard on that one housemate in every sharehouse who seems to manage to go through an entire roll a day somehow, with other Australians expected to be largely unaffected. “Yea actually it’ll probably be for the best,” said one sharehouse resident Gus Waller today. “I don’t think Greg’s parents told him you’re not supposed to use up an entire roll in a single bog sesh. It’s not exactly something I’m going to bring up, but it’ll seriously cut down on household expenses if we don’t have to buy a fresh 12 pack every second day.”
The restrictions will come with a range of other restrictions, with cheapskate college students asked to just fork out the extra 50c for an actual box of Kleenex for their living room table, and teenage boys being requested to transition to using socks in certain applicable cases. Purchasers of 3-and-up-ply will also be asked to seperate each sheet into single ply, and to distribute the excess amongst friends and neighbours who are in need, until enough of the population is killed off by coronavirus that there is again enough toilet paper for everyone.


thechaser--2020-03-05--Heartwarming: Wombats spotted leading people to toilet paper

Reports are flooding in this afternoon of miraculous behaviour as wombats were seen across the country coming to the rescue of frantic shoppers seeking out toilet paper .
Leading the shoppers down the street to the small , independent Chinese grocers that haven ’ t seen a customer in weeks , shoppers were shocked to find complete walls of toilet paper , enough to last almost three years , or 2 hours in the current mass buying hysteria .
“ It ’ s a miracle , an absolute miracle , ” said the shop owner today , after witnessing wombat @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I thought I was going to have to shut shop after business dried up .
People just took one look at the title ‘ Chinese grocer ’ and avoided it like the plague .
The fact that I ’ m actually a descendant of family from Taiwan , and haven ’ t set foot in China in my entire life doesn ’ t even seem to factor into their equation.
” However , Miss Lim says that shutting shop was not the worst case for her .
“ At least this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ avoid all those white people who refuse to wear facemasks because they think it makes them look silly , ” she explained .
“ Frankly I ’ d rather close my business than have to spend all day exchanging money with people who don ’ t wash their hands after using the bathroom .
I ’ m not even concerned about the virus , I just think that ’ s super gross.
” There have been calls for the wombats to be awarded an AO for their heroics in recent weeks , with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ technically against any of the rules because nobody had ever thought there would be a need to bar wombats from the order .
“ The only problem I see is that we gave that awful Belinda Ardnt an AO , ” he explained .
“ So if anything , these days it ’ s more of an honour not to be given the award .
”

Reports are flooding in this afternoon of miraculous behaviour as wombats were seen across the country coming to the rescue of frantic shoppers seeking out toilet paper. Leading the shoppers down the street to the small, independent Chinese grocers that haven’t seen a customer in weeks, shoppers were shocked to find complete walls of toilet paper, enough to last almost three years, or 2 hours in the current mass buying hysteria.
“It’s a miracle, an absolute miracle,” said the shop owner today, after witnessing wombat after wombat lead people into her store. “I thought I was going to have to shut shop after business dried up. People just took one look at the title ‘Chinese grocer’ and avoided it like the plague. The fact that I’m actually a descendant of family from Taiwan, and haven’t set foot in China in my entire life doesn’t even seem to factor into their equation.”
However, Miss Lim says that shutting shop was not the worst case for her. “At least this way I’ve been able to avoid all those white people who refuse to wear facemasks because they think it makes them look silly,” she explained. “Frankly I’d rather close my business than have to spend all day exchanging money with people who don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom. I’m not even concerned about the virus, I just think that’s super gross.”
There have been calls for the wombats to be awarded an AO for their heroics in recent weeks, with the Governor General stating it was not technically against any of the rules because nobody had ever thought there would be a need to bar wombats from the order. “The only problem I see is that we gave that awful Belinda Ardnt an AO,” he explained. “So if anything, these days it’s more of an honour not to be given the award.”


thechaser--2020-03-05--World Health Organisation officially dubs toilet paper mass hysteria the ‘Caroma Virus’

The World Health Organisation has today met to decide whether to label the toilet paper mass hysteria in Australia a @ @ @ @ @ may spread to other , less stupid continents , if left unchecked .
“ Already @ @ @ @ @ of the panic spreading to other countries via social media , ” said one Australian @ @ @ @ @ closer inspection they all just seem to be posting about how hilarious it is and @ @ @ @ @ to think that buying 200 rolls of toilet paper was somehow an appropriate response to @ @ @ @ @ against the pandemic rating , the organisation did settle on a name for the new @ @ @ @ @ outbreak as the ‘ Caroma Virus ’ .
Other considered options include Kohler-a , the @ @ @ @ @ Cottonella , though the ruling body all rushed off to stock up on toilet rolls @ @ @ @ @ even held , in a worrying sign the disease may be spreading .

The World Health Organisation has today met to decide whether to label the toilet paper mass hysteria in Australia a pandemic, with fears it may spread to other, less stupid continents, if left unchecked.
“Already we’re seeing signs of the panic spreading to other countries via social media,” said one Australian official. “However on closer inspection they all just seem to be posting about how hilarious it is and asking what has possessed Australia to think that buying 200 rolls of toilet paper was somehow an appropriate response to a virus.”
Despite deciding against the pandemic rating, the organisation did settle on a name for the new bulk-buying disease, labelling the outbreak as the ‘Caroma Virus’. Other considered options include Kohler-a, the floo, 2-plague, or Cottonella, though the ruling body all rushed off to stock up on toilet rolls before the final vote was even held, in a worrying sign the disease may be spreading.


thechaser--2020-03-05--Toilet paper sales plummet after needle found in packet

The Australian Toilet Paper Wars have been averted tonight , after a customer in Queensland found a needle in their punnet of toilet paper , leading to a complete collapse in sales across the country .
“ Oh yea , nah thanks mate , ” said one man offered a roll of toilet paper as he approached the aisle , “ I think I ’ d rather just stick to my sandpaper supplies.
” The plummet in sales is bad news for both toilet paper producers and the Australian economy in general , with the Government having already based its @ @ @ @ @ @ @ years on the assumption that toilet paper sales would continue at these levels indefinitely .
“ Yea we ’ d already announced a surplus , ” said Federal Treasurer Josh Frydenberg , “ You know , in the future that is .
Who would have though basing our entire national economy on a single sector and assuming that demand would remain at maximum capacity indefinitely would be a bad way to plan a national economy .
Oh well , good thing we ’ ve got coal exports to fall back on .
That @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , it has since been revealed that the needles were simply a stealth campaign by toilet paper producers to force the public into getting flu shots .
“ Yea we knew that a lot of facebook mums will not bother to get them this year , because of the whole anti-vax thing , but then complain when they magically get the flu in the middle of an already dangerous pandemic , ” explained one employee .
“ So we figured why not combine one thing that people hate , medical science which can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ something the rich socialites of Mosman love , buying millions of toilet rolls .
”

The Australian Toilet Paper Wars have been averted tonight, after a customer in Queensland found a needle in their punnet of toilet paper, leading to a complete collapse in sales across the country. “Oh yea, nah thanks mate,” said one man offered a roll of toilet paper as he approached the aisle, “I think I’d rather just stick to my sandpaper supplies.”
The plummet in sales is bad news for both toilet paper producers and the Australian economy in general, with the Government having already based its entire economic outlook for the next ten years on the assumption that toilet paper sales would continue at these levels indefinitely. “Yea we’d already announced a surplus,” said Federal Treasurer Josh Frydenberg, “You know, in the future that is. Who would have though basing our entire national economy on a single sector and assuming that demand would remain at maximum capacity indefinitely would be a bad way to plan a national economy. Oh well, good thing we’ve got coal exports to fall back on. That industry will be around forever.”
However, it has since been revealed that the needles were simply a stealth campaign by toilet paper producers to force the public into getting flu shots. “Yea we knew that a lot of facebook mums will not bother to get them this year, because of the whole anti-vax thing, but then complain when they magically get the flu in the middle of an already dangerous pandemic,” explained one employee. “So we figured why not combine one thing that people hate, medical science which can cure disease, and combine it with something the rich socialites of Mosman love, buying millions of toilet rolls.”


thechaser--2020-03-05--Alarm level stepped up as a man-version of the coronavirus emerges

Sales of man-sized tissue paper have skyrocketed today as men stockpiled supplies for the inevitable outbreak of man-Covid19 , described by scientists as 2-8 times worse than the regular flu symptoms that occur with coronavirus .
“ Oh man I can ’ t get out of bed , I feel terrible , ” said one sufferer , while his equally infected partner did housework while occasionally sniffling .
“ Why oh why did I take breathing through my nose for granted all these years.
” The government has today moved to step up its response to the new strain of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to category one , requiring an all-hands approach from the government .
However , this all-hands approach immediately backfired , with everyone in the government immediately coming down with the man-flu after one of the hands was not washed properly , leading many to suggest that the government probably should think about hiring a few women in senior roles .
However , doctors have since confirmed that in fact the man strain is just the same as the regular strain of Covid-19 and that all the guys were just being big sooks .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the problem is , they ’ re genetically identical ” said one female scientist observing the virus through a microscope , “ my colleague here would confirm that finding , if he weren ’ t currently baracading himself into a fort made of toilet paper.
” UPDATE : It has since been revealed that the man who claimed to be suffering from man-coronavirus was in fact just horribly hungover , having drunk too many Corona beers the night before

Sales of man-sized tissue paper have skyrocketed today as men stockpiled supplies for the inevitable outbreak of man-Covid19, described by scientists as 2-8 times worse than the regular flu symptoms that occur with coronavirus.
“Oh man I can’t get out of bed, I feel terrible,” said one sufferer, while his equally infected partner did housework while occasionally sniffling. “Why oh why did I take breathing through my nose for granted all these years.”
The government has today moved to step up its response to the new strain of the virus, moving the health alert to category one, requiring an all-hands approach from the government. However, this all-hands approach immediately backfired, with everyone in the government immediately coming down with the man-flu after one of the hands was not washed properly, leading many to suggest that the government probably should think about hiring a few women in senior roles.
However, doctors have since confirmed that in fact the man strain is just the same as the regular strain of Covid-19 and that all the guys were just being big sooks. “I don’t know what the problem is, they’re genetically identical” said one female scientist observing the virus through a microscope, “my colleague here would confirm that finding, if he weren’t currently baracading himself into a fort made of toilet paper.”
UPDATE: It has since been revealed that the man who claimed to be suffering from man-coronavirus was in fact just horribly hungover, having drunk too many Corona beers the night before


thechaser--2020-03-05--Quilton releases new aloe vera “extra soothing” line in hope it will help public calm the fuck down

The Quilton company has today released a new brand of toilet paper for panicked Australians who are buying up entire truckloads of toilet paper because of a virus .
Described as “ thick and soft ” the customers are considered sitting ducks by the company .
The company has also released a new line of aloe-vera “ extra soothing ” paper , in the hope that it will help the public “ calm the fuck down ” .
“ Each roll of toilet paper is embedded with a soothing dose of aloe , to help sooth sensitive skin , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ large amount of chloroform to help sooth sensitive , panicky shoppers.
” Similarly , disinfectant hand wash company Detol has also released a new line of “ anti-sceptic ” hand washes , which is said to cure all those people who are sceptical of washing their hands .
“ All you need to do is replace all your bathroom door knobs with this new Detol disinfectant soap block , ” explained the company , “ and it will forcefully disinfect the palms of the 30 % of men who refuse to wash their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the door knob.
” The Dolmio company has also jumped on the bulk buying trend , releasing a new “ pasta for dummies ” cookbook targeted at the people who have bulk bought nothing but pasta thinking that will somehow be enough to survive on .
“ Every recipe shows the best ways to get the most out of the three ingredients you bought .
Like this one for example , take two hundred packets of pasta , eighty cans of tuna , cook for twelve minutes on a fire powered by toilet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ garnish of canned corn , and a nice glass of alcoholic handwash .
”

The Quilton company has today released a new brand of toilet paper for panicked Australians who are buying up entire truckloads of toilet paper because of a virus. Described as “thick and soft” the customers are considered sitting ducks by the company.
The company has also released a new line of aloe-vera “extra soothing” paper, in the hope that it will help the public “calm the fuck down”. “Each roll of toilet paper is embedded with a soothing dose of aloe, to help sooth sensitive skin,” explained the company, “and a large amount of chloroform to help sooth sensitive, panicky shoppers.”
Similarly, disinfectant hand wash company Detol has also released a new line of “anti-sceptic” hand washes, which is said to cure all those people who are sceptical of washing their hands. “All you need to do is replace all your bathroom door knobs with this new Detol disinfectant soap block,” explained the company, “and it will forcefully disinfect the palms of the 30% of men who refuse to wash their hands, as they fumble to operate the door knob.”
The Dolmio company has also jumped on the bulk buying trend, releasing a new “pasta for dummies” cookbook targeted at the people who have bulk bought nothing but pasta thinking that will somehow be enough to survive on. “Every recipe shows the best ways to get the most out of the three ingredients you bought. Like this one for example, take two hundred packets of pasta, eighty cans of tuna, cook for twelve minutes on a fire powered by toilet paper, and then serve with a garnish of canned corn, and a nice glass of alcoholic handwash.”


thechaser--2020-03-05--Laxatives sell out as hoarders try to make use of excess toilet paper

There has been a run on laxatives in stores today as shoppers frantically try to justify the 200 rolls of @ @ @ @ @ stashed in their basements .
“ When I saw everyone else loading up on toilet @ @ @ @ @ have been important so I did the same , ” said one frantic laxative shopper @ @ @ @ @ then when I got home I realised people were just buying it for the coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ a right idiot .
Now I ’ ve got ta justify having 50 multipacks of @ @ @ @ @ or the wife is going to have a fit.
” With laxatives in short supply @ @ @ @ @ to other , equally effective products , with service stations across the country selling out @ @ @ @ @ in minutes .
“ This oughta do the trick , ” said one happy shopper @ @ @ @ @ fresh sandwich from Marrickville ’ s Vietnamese Roll store .
“ Oh god , oh @ @ @ @ @ too powerful , quick , get the napkins !
”

There has been a run on laxatives in stores today as shoppers frantically try to justify the 200 rolls of toilet paper that they have stashed in their basements.
“When I saw everyone else loading up on toilet paper I thought it must have been important so I did the same,” said one frantic laxative shopper John Bog. “But then when I got home I realised people were just buying it for the coronavirus, and I felt like a right idiot. Now I’ve gotta justify having 50 multipacks of toilet paper in my bathroom or the wife is going to have a fit.”
With laxatives in short supply shoppers were said to turn to other, equally effective products, with service stations across the country selling out of their pre-packaged ham sandwiches in minutes. “This oughta do the trick,” said one happy shopper as he bit into a fresh sandwich from Marrickville’s Vietnamese Roll store. “Oh god, oh no, it’s too powerful, quick, get the napkins!”


thechaser--2020-03-06--Man from all the school maths problems spotted at Australian supermarket

Australians have stood by in awe this week , as the prophecy of the man from the maths textbook who buys items in bulk loads of 400 was finally fulfilled .
Seen walking across a local Woolworths supermarket with a trolley of 200 rolls of toilet paper in one hand , and a trolley of 600 oranges in the other , passers by frantically snapped pictures in the hope that they might be able to score some royalties from future textbook publications .
“ That ’ ll be exactly $ 5849.30 , ” said the girl at the till as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Wait no , $ 6249.35… or $ 7031 ?
Dammit , I ’ ve always been terrible at long division.
” “ If only I carried some kind of tiny computer around in my pocket at all times that could help me do maths in day to day situations .
But alas , my high school maths teacher told me I ’ d never have such a magical device , and had to memorise everything by rote.
” Update : English teachers have since explained that the man purchasing 600 oranges was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 600 oranges representing the large number of times English teachers read way more into a book than a writer implied .

Australians have stood by in awe this week, as the prophecy of the man from the maths textbook who buys items in bulk loads of 400 was finally fulfilled. Seen walking across a local Woolworths supermarket with a trolley of 200 rolls of toilet paper in one hand, and a trolley of 600 oranges in the other, passers by frantically snapped pictures in the hope that they might be able to score some royalties from future textbook publications.
“That’ll be exactly $5849.30,” said the girl at the till as she rung up his 157 watermelons. “Wait no, $6249.35… or $7031? Dammit, I’ve always been terrible at long division.”
“If only I carried some kind of tiny computer around in my pocket at all times that could help me do maths in day to day situations. But alas, my high school maths teacher told me I’d never have such a magical device, and had to memorise everything by rote.”
Update: English teachers have since explained that the man purchasing 600 oranges was actually a metaphor, with the number 600 oranges representing the large number of times English teachers read way more into a book than a writer implied.


thechaser--2020-03-06--Panic buying continues – ALDI completely sells out of discount trombone cases

Australians prepping for end times have continued their rampage this week , emptying Woolworths of pasta , Coles of toilet @ @ @ @ @ discount 1m squares of astroturf .
“ Quick I ’ ve got to get to @ @ @ @ @ before they all sell out !
” one frantic ALDI shopper was heard screaming .
@ @ @ @ @ those night vision goggles , we ’ ve already got three pairs at home.
” @ @ @ @ @ has left ALDI scrabbling to find new , weirder , products to fill their discount @ @ @ @ @ being forced to stock their shelves with pet food and house cleaning supplies until more @ @ @ @ @ sourced from the manufacturer .
“ We ’ ve never seen anything like this , @ @ @ @ @ .
“ The only products that haven ’ t sold out are these pallets of @ @ @ @ @ bunker .
We thought they were wacky when we ordered them , but now that @ @ @ @ @ none of our customers want to buy them .
”

Australians prepping for end times have continued their rampage this week, emptying Woolworths of pasta, Coles of toilet paper, and ALDI of discount 1m squares of astroturf.
“Quick I’ve got to get to the hobby drone-disco ball section before they all sell out!” one frantic ALDI shopper was heard screaming. “Aiden, put down those night vision goggles, we’ve already got three pairs at home.”
The sudden increase in demand has left ALDI scrabbling to find new, weirder, products to fill their discount bins, with the chain being forced to stock their shelves with pet food and house cleaning supplies until more inflatable bath mats can be sourced from the manufacturer. “We’ve never seen anything like this,” explained one surprised staffer. “The only products that haven’t sold out are these pallets of disinfectant and this DIY build-your-own bunker. We thought they were wacky when we ordered them, but now that they seem like practical products none of our customers want to buy them.”


thechaser--2020-03-06--Bidet owner feeling even more smug than normal

Australia is facing a serious crisis and many Aussies are in a constant state of panic , however some Australians seem happier than ever .
These annoying few are known to call themselves ‘ bidet owners ’ .
Commonly referred to as ‘ Pricks ’ , these bidet owners are like normal people but if you ask one of them what sets them apart , they will inform you that they are ‘ better than ’ anyone who uses paper to clean themselves after going to the toilet , instead opting to have water shot at them by the toilet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ vegans of the toilet world in that although it is theoretically possible to meet one who doesn ’ t bring up the fact that they are one for no reason , it has yet to have been accomplished in real life .
This paired with their trademark grin which to many Aussies can only be described as ‘ punchable ’ , makes it easy to spot one of these despicable people in the wild .
Bidet owners have always been a renewable source of smug energy , but in recent days the energy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Bidet owners are not worried by the lack of toilet paper in many stores around the country , instead seeming to actually prefer it as it means the rest of us are forced to suffer .
Some have even been seen walking through toilet paper aisles , laughing at those with the misfortune of actually needing toilet paper because they ran out .
“ I told them so !
” cheered Stephen , a bidet owner from regional North Sydney .
“ I told everyone at work that bidets were better and they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would do is roll their eyes and moan , well who will be moaning when they go to use their toilet paper and realise there is none left in the city ?
Woohoo !
” After taking a break to high-five himself , he continued by saying , “ These paper peasants , as we in the bidet community like to call them , won ’ t stop complaining about the lack of toilet paper .
Every time I hear them talk about it I get excited and remind them that it isn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Plus , as a bit of extra fun , I have been posting online a lot about my bidet and sharing articles about bidets just to rub it in their dumb stupid faces.
” When asked about the government ’ s plan to deal with the smug-crisis , the PM said , “ Bidet owners are arrogant , smug and don ’ t care about regular Australians .
They are the exact kind of people I refer to when I say ‘ quiet Australians ’ , and so as to help them with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will no longer be considering this sanitary item as a luxury item for tax purposes .
”

Australia is facing a serious crisis and many Aussies are in a constant state of panic, however some Australians seem happier than ever. These annoying few are known to call themselves ‘bidet owners’. Commonly referred to as ‘Pricks’, these bidet owners are like normal people but if you ask one of them what sets them apart, they will inform you that they are ‘better than’ anyone who uses paper to clean themselves after going to the toilet, instead opting to have water shot at them by the toilet itself.
Bidet owners are like the vegans of the toilet world in that although it is theoretically possible to meet one who doesn’t bring up the fact that they are one for no reason, it has yet to have been accomplished in real life. This paired with their trademark grin which to many Aussies can only be described as ‘punchable’, makes it easy to spot one of these despicable people in the wild.
Bidet owners have always been a renewable source of smug energy, but in recent days the energy is getting too much to handle. Bidet owners are not worried by the lack of toilet paper in many stores around the country, instead seeming to actually prefer it as it means the rest of us are forced to suffer. Some have even been seen walking through toilet paper aisles, laughing at those with the misfortune of actually needing toilet paper because they ran out.
“I told them so!” cheered Stephen, a bidet owner from regional North Sydney. “I told everyone at work that bidets were better and they wouldn’t listen. All they would do is roll their eyes and moan, well who will be moaning when they go to use their toilet paper and realise there is none left in the city? Woohoo!”
After taking a break to high-five himself, he continued by saying, “These paper peasants, as we in the bidet community like to call them, won’t stop complaining about the lack of toilet paper. Every time I hear them talk about it I get excited and remind them that it isn’t a problem for me. Plus, as a bit of extra fun, I have been posting online a lot about my bidet and sharing articles about bidets just to rub it in their dumb stupid faces.”
When asked about the government’s plan to deal with the smug-crisis, the PM said, “Bidet owners are arrogant, smug and don’t care about regular Australians. They are the exact kind of people I refer to when I say ‘quiet Australians’, and so as to help them with the necessary upkeep of their smugness we will no longer be considering this sanitary item as a luxury item for tax purposes.”


thechaser--2020-03-08--Coles make it up to underpaid staff by offering them free rolls of toilet paper

Leading supermarkets Coles and Woolworths have announced today that all underpayment issues have now been resolved , after gifting every employee a complimentary roll of toilet paper , currently valued at $ 5000 on the black market .
“ We hope this will go some ways to making amends , we ’ re truly sorry , ” said an upset Woolworths representative as she dabbed her wet eyes on a $ 100 note .
“ While it may not be cold hard cash , if our employees invest these toilet rolls right , and make sure they ’ re in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could easily retire with two or even three times the ply they have now.
” However , some employees have complained about the choice of payment , pointing out that they already have thousands of rolls at home .
“ Mate , as if we need more toilet paper , we get the stuff straight from the source , ” said one employee .
“ We don ’ t even put it out on the shelves these days , the staff just hoard it all out the back and then sell it on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ now technically on the BNR rich list.
” Asked whether they would also be compensating their underpaid staff in their new ‘ walk-in-walk-out ’ supermarkets , Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos laughed , before taking away his staff ’ s last remaining toilet break and giving himself another billion dollar payrise .
UPDATE : ALDI supermarkets have announced that they will also be awarding a staff bonus , despite not underpaying staff , with the German supermarket chain allowing each staff member to take home one roll of astroturf .

Leading supermarkets Coles and Woolworths have announced today that all underpayment issues have now been resolved, after gifting every employee a complimentary roll of toilet paper, currently valued at $5000 on the black market.
“We hope this will go some ways to making amends, we’re truly sorry,” said an upset Woolworths representative as she dabbed her wet eyes on a $100 note. “While it may not be cold hard cash, if our employees invest these toilet rolls right, and make sure they’re in a high interest bank account, they could easily retire with two or even three times the ply they have now.”
However, some employees have complained about the choice of payment, pointing out that they already have thousands of rolls at home. “Mate, as if we need more toilet paper, we get the stuff straight from the source,” said one employee. “We don’t even put it out on the shelves these days, the staff just hoard it all out the back and then sell it on Ebay. Greg here from Deli is now technically on the BNR rich list.”
Asked whether they would also be compensating their underpaid staff in their new ‘walk-in-walk-out’ supermarkets, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos laughed, before taking away his staff’s last remaining toilet break and giving himself another billion dollar payrise.
UPDATE: ALDI supermarkets have announced that they will also be awarding a staff bonus, despite not underpaying staff, with the German supermarket chain allowing each staff member to take home one roll of astroturf.


thechaser--2020-03-08--Local man skips Monday morning gym to avoid Coronavirus

A local man has decided the best way to minimise the risk of getting the Coronavirus is to not go to the gym this morning .
The man , who remains symptomless mainly because he doesn ’ t have the disease , said getting an extra hour of sleep in was the best way to boost his immune system , citing no medical evidence to back this claim .
The man , who still caught a crowded bus full of disgusting coughing , sneezing people into work , said that avoiding the gym was best way for him to minimise @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was a hard decision but the right one in the circumstances .
It ’ s such a pity.
” “ We just have to do everything we can to avoid getting the virus , ” he said as he hit the elevator button and then wiped his nose with the same hands .
The man has joined thousands of Australians who have taken extra preventative measures – beyond the ones recommended by medical professionals – to lower the chances of infection .
The measures include leaving early from work , extended lunch breaks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dinner at home .
The man said he had also upped his intake of beer and wine in recent days after hearing somewhere that alcohol killed the virus or something .
“ Better to be safe than sorry , ” he said as he sipped his third schooner of the morning .
The man is now into his twentieth year of avoiding the Coronavirus by not going to the gym .

A local man has decided the best way to minimise the risk of getting the Coronavirus is to not go to the gym this morning.
The man, who remains symptomless mainly because he doesn’t have the disease, said getting an extra hour of sleep in was the best way to boost his immune system, citing no medical evidence to back this claim.
The man, who still caught a crowded bus full of disgusting coughing, sneezing people into work, said that avoiding the gym was best way for him to minimise his risk of infection. “It was a hard decision but the right one in the circumstances. It’s such a pity.”
“We just have to do everything we can to avoid getting the virus,” he said as he hit the elevator button and then wiped his nose with the same hands.
The man has joined thousands of Australians who have taken extra preventative measures – beyond the ones recommended by medical professionals – to lower the chances of infection. The measures include leaving early from work, extended lunch breaks and ordering home delivery rather than cooking dinner at home.
The man said he had also upped his intake of beer and wine in recent days after hearing somewhere that alcohol killed the virus or something. “Better to be safe than sorry,” he said as he sipped his third schooner of the morning.
The man is now into his twentieth year of avoiding the Coronavirus by not going to the gym.


thechaser--2020-03-08--Generous local teens double neighbourhood house prices

Generous local teenagers have been thanked by residents of Sydney ’ s Northern Suburbs today , after their overnight TP @ @ @ @ @ the area .
In fact , the once maligned practice of covering a house in @ @ @ @ @ a status symbol , with Mosman residents now voluntarily TPing their own houses in opulent @ @ @ @ @ Yea I was a bit upset when I went outside and saw my place covered @ @ @ @ @ said local man Darren this afternoon , “ after all my house was about to @ @ @ @ @ But then suddenly the bids started flooding in .
It ended up selling for $ @ @ @ @ @ .
Just think of all the toilet paper I can buy with that !
” @ @ @ @ @ do with his $ 5 billion , Darren says he is hoping to put it @ @ @ @ @ the hope of one day being able to afford the price of an avocado sandwich @ @ @ @ @

Generous local teenagers have been thanked by residents of Sydney’s Northern Suburbs today, after their overnight TP rampage doubled house prices in the area.
In fact, the once maligned practice of covering a house in toilet paper has now become a status symbol, with Mosman residents now voluntarily TPing their own houses in opulent displays of wealth.
“Yea I was a bit upset when I went outside and saw my place covered in dunny roll,” said local man Darren this afternoon, “after all my house was about to go on the market. But then suddenly the bids started flooding in. It ended up selling for $5 billion above our reserve. Just think of all the toilet paper I can buy with that!”
Asked what he plans to do with his $5 billion, Darren says he is hoping to put it into a savings account in the hope of one day being able to afford the price of an avocado sandwich from an inner-city cafe.


thechaser--2020-03-09--World terrified at prospect of cheap, affordable petrol

The world has been thrown into chaos today , following news that Saudi Arabi will be dropping the price of petrol , leading to many horrified cries by the public , followed by many cries of “ wait actually no , that sounds pretty good.
” The extremely evil and dastardly move by the Saudi nation is expected to have many horrible consequences for the world economy , including a few small polluters being put of of business and the much more horrifying prospect of billions of commuters saving a few dollars on their weekly budget .
“ I don @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going to cope , ” said one distraught car owner while filling up at the bowser .
“ I was so excited at the prospect of spending half my weekly budget on pouring liquid into a machine , now what am I going to do with this $ 50 bill that ’ s weighing down my wallet ?
” This is just the latest in a string of tragedies to hit the world in recent weeks , with global citizens also facing the equally horrifying prospect of having to take two weeks off @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Netflix .
“ As an Uber cyclist , I ’ m actually doing my best to try and catch the virus , ” explained one concerned citizen .
“ Turns out coronavirus is the only sickness Uber is willing to give us sick leave for , so it ’ d be great to get a few days bedrest after my last two weeks of doing deliveries with infectious mono .
That really took it out of me .
”

The world has been thrown into chaos today, following news that Saudi Arabi will be dropping the price of petrol, leading to many horrified cries by the public, followed by many cries of “wait actually no, that sounds pretty good.”
The extremely evil and dastardly move by the Saudi nation is expected to have many horrible consequences for the world economy, including a few small polluters being put of of business and the much more horrifying prospect of billions of commuters saving a few dollars on their weekly budget. “I don’t know how I’m going to cope,” said one distraught car owner while filling up at the bowser. “I was so excited at the prospect of spending half my weekly budget on pouring liquid into a machine, now what am I going to do with this $50 bill that’s weighing down my wallet?”
This is just the latest in a string of tragedies to hit the world in recent weeks, with global citizens also facing the equally horrifying prospect of having to take two weeks off work to stay in bed and watch Netflix. “As an Uber cyclist, I’m actually doing my best to try and catch the virus,” explained one concerned citizen. “Turns out coronavirus is the only sickness Uber is willing to give us sick leave for, so it’d be great to get a few days bedrest after my last two weeks of doing deliveries with infectious mono. That really took it out of me.”


thechaser--2020-03-09--Government responds decisively to recession by passing Religious Discrimination Bill

Scott Morrison has thrown something much more potent than money at the economic downturn facing Australia : thoughts and prayers .
Announcing a sweeping package of hope-based initiatives , Mr Morrison vowed to pass the Religious Discrimination Bill in the coming days .
“ This is a comprehensive , decisive plan to divert attention away from the lagging economy , ” Mr Morrison said in a media conference .
The plan will unleash an extra 10 billion thoughts and 5 billion prayers at the economy to try keep the Australian economy afloat during the Coronavirus crisis .
This is on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Theologians say the last time a package of this size was unleashed was during the Black Plague of the 14th Century .
“ It was a huge success , ” said one theologian .
“ Sure , a lot of people died , but religiousity and Godliness soared .
And isn ’ t that what it ’ s all about in the end ?
” Mr Morrison said he would not copy Kevin Rudd who relied on economists during the GFC .
Instead he will rely on advice from the most respected and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Under the Bill , people would be protected if they decided to take the bible literally .
Mr Morrison said that this would provide stimulous in all sorts of ways .
“ For example , Deuteronomy chapter 25 talks about how you should chop off a wife ’ s hand if she defends her husband .
Obviously this will lead to a surge in demand for prosthetic limbs .
Australia could become a global leader in the manufacture of posthetics.
” “ Leviticus 19:28 says getting tattoos will send you to hell @ @ @ @ @ @ @ surge in laser removal therapy.
” Mr Morrison said that the package also contained support to make sure everyone had sufficient food in the coming months , but refused to go into details .
“ Put it this way , ” he said , “ Leviticus Chapter 26 says you will eat the flesh of your sons and daughters .
Just saying .
”

Scott Morrison has thrown something much more potent than money at the economic downturn facing Australia: thoughts and prayers.
Announcing a sweeping package of hope-based initiatives, Mr Morrison vowed to pass the Religious Discrimination Bill in the coming days.
“This is a comprehensive, decisive plan to divert attention away from the lagging economy,” Mr Morrison said in a media conference.
The plan will unleash an extra 10 billion thoughts and 5 billion prayers at the economy to try keep the Australian economy afloat during the Coronavirus crisis. This is on top of existing thoughts and prayers.
Theologians say the last time a package of this size was unleashed was during the Black Plague of the 14th Century. “It was a huge success,” said one theologian. “Sure, a lot of people died, but religiousity and Godliness soared. And isn’t that what it’s all about in the end?”
Mr Morrison said he would not copy Kevin Rudd who relied on economists during the GFC. Instead he will rely on advice from the most respected and well-trusted segment of the population: priests.
Under the Bill, people would be protected if they decided to take the bible literally. Mr Morrison said that this would provide stimulous in all sorts of ways. “For example, Deuteronomy chapter 25 talks about how you should chop off a wife’s hand if she defends her husband. Obviously this will lead to a surge in demand for prosthetic limbs. Australia could become a global leader in the manufacture of posthetics.”
“Leviticus 19:28 says getting tattoos will send you to hell. Clearly this will lead to a surge in laser removal therapy.”
Mr Morrison said that the package also contained support to make sure everyone had sufficient food in the coming months, but refused to go into details. “Put it this way,” he said, “Leviticus Chapter 26 says you will eat the flesh of your sons and daughters. Just saying.”


thechaser--2020-03-09--Morrison stimulates the economy by giving another $5 million to Mosman rowing club

The party of responsible fiscal management has today firmly and decisively responded to the slowing Australian economy by giving billionaires another tax break then throwing their hands up in resignation .
“ I don ’ t get it !
?
” cried treasurer Josh Frydenberg today , “ We let the top 1 % of retirees keep their franking credits , why aren ’ t the other 99 % of Australians using this fiscal benefit to go out and buy more products ?
It ’ s almost as if rich people just hoard the money instead of letting it trickle @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be right ?
” Instead , the party has now been forced to pull the leaver on their emergency stimulus package , which will see over $ 5 billion flooded into private schools , marginal sports clubs , and Angus Taylor ’ s private bank account .
“ That should get the economy chugging along , ” said a happy ScoMo as he stimulated the tourism economy by flying off to Hawaii .
“ And to think some idiot economists said we should have wasted the money on giving poor people more Newstart @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sure if we did they ’ d only spend it immediately on useless things like food , clothing , shelter , and entertainment .
As if that would help anyone.
” However , the Liberal Party ’ s stimulus package has so far failed to kickstart the economy , forcing the party to take drastic action and remove their “ back in the black ” mugs from the party ’ s online shop .
“ How could Labor do this , ” said an angry Josh Frydenberg as he stared at the country @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had every opportunity to block all our terrible financial decisions over the last seven years , but instead they just let our supply bills pass like the fiscally irresponsible party they are .
I just want you all to know that if Labor hadn ’ t selfishly lost the last election , the country wouldn ’ t be in this financial mess right now .
What a bunch of crooks.
” Asked what he thought of the smoking economic ruins his 2014 budget has left , former Treasurer Joe Hockey said that it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of entitlement was finally over , before lighting another cigar with a $ 100 bill from one of the various government contracts his former colleagues generously have given him

The party of responsible fiscal management has today firmly and decisively responded to the slowing Australian economy by giving billionaires another tax break then throwing their hands up in resignation. “I don’t get it!?” cried treasurer Josh Frydenberg today, “We let the top 1% of retirees keep their franking credits, why aren’t the other 99% of Australians using this fiscal benefit to go out and buy more products? It’s almost as if rich people just hoard the money instead of letting it trickle down, but that can’t be right?”
Instead, the party has now been forced to pull the leaver on their emergency stimulus package, which will see over $5 billion flooded into private schools, marginal sports clubs, and Angus Taylor’s private bank account. “That should get the economy chugging along,” said a happy ScoMo as he stimulated the tourism economy by flying off to Hawaii. “And to think some idiot economists said we should have wasted the money on giving poor people more Newstart allowance. God, I’m sure if we did they’d only spend it immediately on useless things like food, clothing, shelter, and entertainment. As if that would help anyone.”
However, the Liberal Party’s stimulus package has so far failed to kickstart the economy, forcing the party to take drastic action and remove their “back in the black” mugs from the party’s online shop. “How could Labor do this,” said an angry Josh Frydenberg as he stared at the country’s massive deficit. “They had every opportunity to block all our terrible financial decisions over the last seven years, but instead they just let our supply bills pass like the fiscally irresponsible party they are. I just want you all to know that if Labor hadn’t selfishly lost the last election, the country wouldn’t be in this financial mess right now. What a bunch of crooks.”
Asked what he thought of the smoking economic ruins his 2014 budget has left, former Treasurer Joe Hockey said that it was just another sign that the age of entitlement was finally over, before lighting another cigar with a $100 bill from one of the various government contracts his former colleagues generously have given him


thechaser--2020-03-10--Barnaby Joyce plays down coronavirus risk to latest 47 colleagues he’s impregnated

Former Nationals leader and committed rootrat Barnaby Joyce has claimed that snakes are more dangerous to Australians than the coronavirus – specifically his beetroot-coloured trouser-snake , which carries the major health risk of giving female colleagues a child that looks like Barnaby Joyce .
Epidemiologists have warned that Joyce ’ s genes are now spreading more rapidly than COVID-19 , and that unlike the coronavirus , wearing a face mask is no protection – indeed , women are significantly more likely to go to bed with him if he ’ s wearing one .
Joyce has made light of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to experts , whether it ’ s climate scientists or my GP telling me to use protection or I ’ d end up having six kids , ” he said .
“ Besides I bet I can breed new Australians way faster than the coronavirus can kill them.
” The former Nationals leader ’ s latest bizarre public outburst has led several of his colleagues to back Joyce in his next leadership challenge to the current leader Whatsit McSomething .
“ Joyce is the future of Australian politics , ” one Nationals MP @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s going , half the voters in the country will soon have been sired by Barnaby Joyce.
” But other Nationals are extremely concerned about the coronavirus .
“ It is devastating for those over 60 , ” one senator said .
“ That means it ’ ll take out our MPs , our voters – and our policies , which all date back to the 1950s .
”

Former Nationals leader and committed rootrat Barnaby Joyce has claimed that snakes are more dangerous to Australians than the coronavirus – specifically his beetroot-coloured trouser-snake, which carries the major health risk of giving female colleagues a child that looks like Barnaby Joyce.
Epidemiologists have warned that Joyce’s genes are now spreading more rapidly than COVID-19, and that unlike the coronavirus, wearing a face mask is no protection – indeed, women are significantly more likely to go to bed with him if he’s wearing one.
Joyce has made light of the current crisis. “I never listen to experts, whether it’s climate scientists or my GP telling me to use protection or I’d end up having six kids,” he said. “Besides I bet I can breed new Australians way faster than the coronavirus can kill them.”
The former Nationals leader’s latest bizarre public outburst has led several of his colleagues to back Joyce in his next leadership challenge to the current leader Whatsit McSomething. “Joyce is the future of Australian politics,” one Nationals MP said. “At the rate he’s going, half the voters in the country will soon have been sired by Barnaby Joyce.”
But other Nationals are extremely concerned about the coronavirus. “It is devastating for those over 60,” one senator said. “That means it’ll take out our MPs, our voters – and our policies, which all date back to the 1950s.”


thechaser--2020-03-12--Woolworths to generously continue underpaying casual workers affected by coronavirus

The Woolworths corporation has today announced that any casual staff who are infected by the coronavirus will be entitled to the underpayments that they would normally enjoy .
“ At Woolworths we strive hard to make sure all staff aren ’ t compensated fairly for their work , ” said one HR representative today .
“ Whether it be by understaffing departments so our employees are forced to cut back on lunchbreaks , constantly renegotiating contracts so benefits are exchanged for minor wage increases that don ’ t even match inflation , or simply by staffing our stores with teenagers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reach an age where they would have to be paid a proper wage , we never stop trying to ensure we squeeze every dollar out of our employees.
” Retail rival Coles have hit back at Woolworths , promising to go even further by underpaying not only their staff , but also the farmers that supply their milk products .
“ We know that many of our farmer suppliers have struggled in recent months due to the drought , ” announced Coles .
“ That ’ s why we ’ re pleased today @ @ @ @ @ @ @ products .
Pleased for the shareholders that is , the farmers certainly won ’ t be seeing any of that money .
”

The Woolworths corporation has today announced that any casual staff who are infected by the coronavirus will be entitled to the underpayments that they would normally enjoy.
“At Woolworths we strive hard to make sure all staff aren’t compensated fairly for their work,” said one HR representative today. “Whether it be by understaffing departments so our employees are forced to cut back on lunchbreaks, constantly renegotiating contracts so benefits are exchanged for minor wage increases that don’t even match inflation, or simply by staffing our stores with teenagers and then driving them out before they reach an age where they would have to be paid a proper wage, we never stop trying to ensure we squeeze every dollar out of our employees.”
Retail rival Coles have hit back at Woolworths, promising to go even further by underpaying not only their staff, but also the farmers that supply their milk products. “We know that many of our farmer suppliers have struggled in recent months due to the drought,” announced Coles. “That’s why we’re pleased today to raise prices on all our milk products. Pleased for the shareholders that is, the farmers certainly won’t be seeing any of that money.”


thechaser--2020-03-12--Gen X parents disappointed to learn their teenager is not doing drugs

Local Gen-X parents Jane and Bruce Wilson have today sat down their 15 year old son and expressed concern about his spotless high school attendance rate , explaining to him that he ’ s only young once and shouldn ’ t waste all his precious youth on high grades .
“ Mark , me and your mother have been talking about this and though it pains us to say it , we ’ re very concerned that you ’ re becoming a fucking nark , ” said a teary Bruce to his son .
“ You know we ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re worried for you .
What if one of your friends asked you to jump off a cliff but you said you couldn ’ t because it looked dangerous , then they all got really cool Instagram videos of it and you were just sitting at home studying ?
Have you ever considered what your future will look like if you keep studying all the time instead of going out and having fun ?
” “ All we ask is that you occasionally try to slip some beers out of the fridge , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we think you ’ re asleep , ” Mark ’ s mother pleaded .
“ You can ’ t just sit in your room all day sipping tea and doing equations !
It ’ s not healthy.
” However , the parents ’ pleas have done little to curb Mark ’ s wayward actions , with the teenager only more encouraged to rebel against his parents wishes .
“ God , as if I want to be like my parents want me to be , that ’ d be so lame , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me to be one of those dropkicks who smokes a bunch of pot , enrols in a University philosophy degree , then graduates with no job prospects and $ 50,000 of student debt .
Well I ’ ll show them .
I ’ m going to get my high school diploma , go straight into a trade and then buy a house at 25 before retiring at 40 .
That ’ s just the kind of rebel I am .
”

Local Gen-X parents Jane and Bruce Wilson have today sat down their 15 year old son and expressed concern about his spotless high school attendance rate, explaining to him that he’s only young once and shouldn’t waste all his precious youth on high grades.
“Mark, me and your mother have been talking about this and though it pains us to say it, we’re very concerned that you’re becoming a fucking nark,” said a teary Bruce to his son. “You know we’ve always loved you, but we’re worried for you. What if one of your friends asked you to jump off a cliff but you said you couldn’t because it looked dangerous, then they all got really cool Instagram videos of it and you were just sitting at home studying? Have you ever considered what your future will look like if you keep studying all the time instead of going out and having fun?”
“All we ask is that you occasionally try to slip some beers out of the fridge, or sneak out of your bedroom when we think you’re asleep,” Mark’s mother pleaded. “You can’t just sit in your room all day sipping tea and doing equations! It’s not healthy.”
However, the parents’ pleas have done little to curb Mark’s wayward actions, with the teenager only more encouraged to rebel against his parents wishes. “God, as if I want to be like my parents want me to be, that’d be so lame,” explained Mark. “They just want me to be one of those dropkicks who smokes a bunch of pot, enrols in a University philosophy degree, then graduates with no job prospects and $50,000 of student debt. Well I’ll show them. I’m going to get my high school diploma, go straight into a trade and then buy a house at 25 before retiring at 40. That’s just the kind of rebel I am.”