thechaser--2020-12-21--Gladys Berejiklian Looking for Corrupt Minister to Isolate with this Christmas

NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian addresses the media during a press conference in Sydney , Monday , December 21 , 2020 .
NSW Health has imposed restrictions to control the spread of COVID-19 as a cluster on Sydney 's northern beaches sparked alarm just days before Christmas .
( AAP Image/Pool , Gaye Gerard ) NO ARCHIVING Four months after breaking it off with her secret boyfriend , Daryl Maguire , Gladys Berejiklian is reportedly back on the market .
Sources tell the Chaser that the Premier is looking for a Corrupt Minister to ‘ breach the ministerial code of conduct @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for a ‘ not substantive relationship ’ , it is reported that the Premier is in search of an individual to have ‘ post ICAC cuddles ’ with .
The Premier is unfazed by marital status , however , any potential Bachelor must have undeclared interests in both her and private enterprise .
‘ Secret Air BNBs , Water reservoirs or property developments , Gladys is passionate about men interested in both Jobs and Growth.
’ Said the anonymous source .
‘ She ’ s really just looking for a bit of Corruption @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has recently been stressed out by not following her own COVID regulations , said the door would always be open for any Minister at her North Shore home .
More to Come .

Gladys Berejiklian Looking for Corrupt Minister to Isolate with this Christmas
Four months after breaking it off with her secret boyfriend, Daryl Maguire, Gladys Berejiklian is reportedly back on the market. Sources tell the Chaser that the Premier is looking for a Corrupt Minister to ‘breach the ministerial code of conduct with’ this holiday season.
Looking for a ‘not substantive relationship’, it is reported that the Premier is in search of an individual to have ‘post ICAC cuddles’ with. The Premier is unfazed by marital status, however, any potential Bachelor must have undeclared interests in both her and private enterprise.
‘Secret Air BNBs, Water reservoirs or property developments, Gladys is passionate about men interested in both Jobs and Growth.’ Said the anonymous source. ‘She’s really just looking for a bit of Corruption and Chill’
The Premier, who has recently been stressed out by not following her own COVID regulations, said the door would always be open for any Minister at her North Shore home.
More to Come.


thechaser--2020-12-23--NSW residents devastated they won’t get to hear their Queensland uncle’s views on diversity this Chr

NSW residents devastated they won’t get to hear their Queensland uncle’s views on diversity this Christmas

As the threat of a deadly pandemic looms over Sydney , many residents have had to cancel their plans for Christmas this year .
These cancellations have lead to disappointment in some households who will be missing out on some long upheld traditions .
One tradition in particular that many will have to forgo this year is sitting awkwardly while your racist uncle rambles on about what he thinks about things like diversity and ‘ the things the lying mainstream media won ’ t tell you about ’ citing information they gathered from mainstream media outlets like Sky News , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Sydney Morning Herald .
“ It ’ s a real shame I won ’ t be able to have one of those ‘ important ’ chats this year , ” said Hayley from Sydney Uni , “ I don ’ t know how I will get in the holiday spirit without hearing what he thinks isn ’ t racist .
Here I was thinking I was going to have a long fun chat about how I am queer but the way he uses it is still wrong because he means it as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ year I will have to find another way to have a jolly time .
I mean how am I meant to relax this year without sitting awkwardly hearing him quote Alan Jones and trying to decide whether I should try shut him up because I know if I do , I am the one who ruined the day somehow .
Because apparently ‘ family ’ means if you stand up to their discrimination , you are the one making a scene and not the racist homophobe .
Damn fucking shame I wont be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a representative of the horrible uncle community in order to get a more ‘ balanced ’ opinion on whether discrimination is actually a big issue or not , or whether we have gone too far the other way and all the experts are just liars .
“ Without being able to see my extended family how am I supposed to tell them about the lying mainstream media once I have a few beers in me .
This year there is so much I wanted to talk about with them about .
Look this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hoax orchestrated by that communist Bill Gates and his 5g towers , perpetuated by Dictator Dan and African Gangs , in order to steal the US election and try win the war on Christmas .
Also these days you can ’ t say anything without being labelled a racist , xenophobe , misogynist , homophobe , transphobe , ablest , or whatever new fangled anti-straight white man propaganda the virtue signallers are pushing .
I mean you can ’ t even say that ******* are ruining this country , without someone taking offence.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ meant to celebrate the birth of Jesus from Nazareth without telling my family about how suspicious I am of poor migrants from the middle east wanting to find a land for a better life .
I guess I will just have to stick to Facebook this year .
”

As the threat of a deadly pandemic looms over Sydney, many residents have had to cancel their plans for Christmas this year. These cancellations have lead to disappointment in some households who will be missing out on some long upheld traditions. One tradition in particular that many will have to forgo this year is sitting awkwardly while your racist uncle rambles on about what he thinks about things like diversity and ‘the things the lying mainstream media won’t tell you about’ citing information they gathered from mainstream media outlets like Sky News, the Australian and the opinions section of the Sydney Morning Herald.
“It’s a real shame I won’t be able to have one of those ‘important’ chats this year,” said Hayley from Sydney Uni, “I don’t know how I will get in the holiday spirit without hearing what he thinks isn’t racist. Here I was thinking I was going to have a long fun chat about how I am queer but the way he uses it is still wrong because he means it as a derogatory thing, but sadly this year I will have to find another way to have a jolly time. I mean how am I meant to relax this year without sitting awkwardly hearing him quote Alan Jones and trying to decide whether I should try shut him up because I know if I do, I am the one who ruined the day somehow. Because apparently ‘family’ means if you stand up to their discrimination, you are the one making a scene and not the racist homophobe. Damn fucking shame I wont be having that this year.”
We reached a representative of the horrible uncle community in order to get a more ‘balanced’ opinion on whether discrimination is actually a big issue or not, or whether we have gone too far the other way and all the experts are just liars.
“Without being able to see my extended family how am I supposed to tell them about the lying mainstream media once I have a few beers in me. This year there is so much I wanted to talk about with them about. Look this whole virus thing is a Marxist Chinese hoax orchestrated by that communist Bill Gates and his 5g towers, perpetuated by Dictator Dan and African Gangs, in order to steal the US election and try win the war on Christmas. Also these days you can’t say anything without being labelled a racist, xenophobe, misogynist, homophobe, transphobe, ablest, or whatever new fangled anti-straight white man propaganda the virtue signallers are pushing. I mean you can’t even say that ******* are ruining this country, without someone taking offence.”
“I mean how am I meant to celebrate the birth of Jesus from Nazareth without telling my family about how suspicious I am of poor migrants from the middle east wanting to find a land for a better life. I guess I will just have to stick to Facebook this year.”


thechaser--2020-12-24--Goverment forced to cancel Christmas after learning it celebrates refugee family

Home Affairs minister and real life Grinch , Peter Dutton has today called for the complete cancellation of all Christmas celebrations around the country , after learning they are celebrating the ‘ dangerous threat ’ of refugee parents seeking shelter in order to start a family safe from persecution .
Mr Dutton has spoken out against the historic middle-eastern family , stating that they should have stayed in Bethlehem and just accepted the fact that King Herrod was on a murderous rampage as a spot of bad luck .
“ If we accept the celebration of these kind of people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that we are accepting refugees in this country and that is not something we can risk , ” said Dutton after sending Border Force to arrest Santa .
“ We need to make it crystal clear to those sort of disgusting criminals that fleeing in order to live a safe life is not something we accept here.
” “ What good are immigrants like them anyway ?
Do you know what the first thing they did in Bethlehem was ?
They had an anchor baby .
And look how that ended up .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ who tried to cause a socialist uprising , and who eventually was executed by the state for his crimes .
That sort of behaviour is not acceptable in Australia and it would be un-Australian to celebrate that here.
” “ People try to label these sort of decisions as ‘ fuelled by racism ’ , but that isn ’ t the only reason .
Not only were they middle-eastern , they were Jewish .
The Jewish faith is an Abrahamic religion , you know who else believes in the Abrahamic God ?
Muslims @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not just because they aren ’ t white , it is also because of who they believe in .
So believe me , we must stamp out this whole Christmas thing once and for all !
”

Home Affairs minister and real life Grinch, Peter Dutton has today called for the complete cancellation of all Christmas celebrations around the country, after learning they are celebrating the ‘dangerous threat’ of refugee parents seeking shelter in order to start a family safe from persecution. Mr Dutton has spoken out against the historic middle-eastern family, stating that they should have stayed in Bethlehem and just accepted the fact that King Herrod was on a murderous rampage as a spot of bad luck.
“If we accept the celebration of these kind of people, we are signalling to the world that we are accepting refugees in this country and that is not something we can risk,” said Dutton after sending Border Force to arrest Santa. “We need to make it crystal clear to those sort of disgusting criminals that fleeing in order to live a safe life is not something we accept here.”
“What good are immigrants like them anyway? Do you know what the first thing they did in Bethlehem was? They had an anchor baby. And look how that ended up. The kid grew up to be criminal who tried to cause a socialist uprising, and who eventually was executed by the state for his crimes. That sort of behaviour is not acceptable in Australia and it would be un-Australian to celebrate that here.”
“People try to label these sort of decisions as ‘fuelled by racism’, but that isn’t the only reason. Not only were they middle-eastern, they were Jewish. The Jewish faith is an Abrahamic religion, you know who else believes in the Abrahamic God? Muslims. So my fear of them is not just because they aren’t white, it is also because of who they believe in. So believe me, we must stamp out this whole Christmas thing once and for all!”


thechaser--2020-12-23--NSW resident devastated he won’t get to hear racist uncle’s views this Christmas


thechaser--2020-12-25--“You can’t change Australia Day’s date” says man celebrating Jesus’s birth on Dec 25th

White Christian people around the country have taken a break from preparing to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus of Nazareth on the 25th of December , in order to prepare for the upcoming discussion around whether Australia day should potentially be moved to a different date in order to accommodate the many Indigenous Australians who don ’ t feel comfortable celebrating on the specific date .
Many of these white Christians who are against the move say that it is important to celebrate the big holidays on the historic dates and to move them in order to accommodate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
We reached out to a local Christian man who is against changing the date of Australia day to hear his concerns about the historical inaccuracy that could come from celebrating on a date that wasn ’ t chosen as a rough estimate of when the ancestors of a small portion of the population colonised/invaded the land .
“ We can ’ t just move a day we celebrate a historic event.
” He said while decorating a tree to celebrate a holiday that was invented in recent history to celebrate a birth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ months for convenience .
“ We should all just come together on the actual day like we do for Christmas .
You cant just up and move traditions .
While yes Aboriginal and Torres Straight Islander people have thousands of years of history and Australia day is on the specific day that a small percentage of modern Aussies ’ ancestors begun trying to destroy all of it , you can ’ t just change the long history of Australia Day being on January 26th dating all the way back to 1994 !
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that Jan 26th was the day of the settlers landing , but historians cant be sure of anything .
I mean look at their investigation into the life of Jesus .
They couldn ’ t even prove whether his name was Jesus or Joshua .
History can be like that sometimes .
History is basically just people deciding what is true and what isn ’ t , so we can just say it is the exact date .
I mean I guess the only thing we know for sure is that the date @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but what better way to make them feel included in the celebration of all Aussies than using that date ?
” “ I mean as a Christian we have thousands of years of history which we celebrate on December 25th so that in coincides with the birth of Jesus .
If we were to move that , historians would laugh at our view of history .
Moving a holiday to make it easier on those who celebrates would be stupid and unnecessary .
I mean , since it is this time of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what would Jesus do in this situation ?
Would he call for a change to include all citizens and assist them with their problems ?
No , I don ’ t , umm… think so ?
”

White Christian people around the country have taken a break from preparing to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus of Nazareth on the 25th of December, in order to prepare for the upcoming discussion around whether Australia day should potentially be moved to a different date in order to accommodate the many Indigenous Australians who don’t feel comfortable celebrating on the specific date. Many of these white Christians who are against the move say that it is important to celebrate the big holidays on the historic dates and to move them in order to accommodate some people would be a ludicrous idea.
We reached out to a local Christian man who is against changing the date of Australia day to hear his concerns about the historical inaccuracy that could come from celebrating on a date that wasn’t chosen as a rough estimate of when the ancestors of a small portion of the population colonised/invaded the land.
“We can’t just move a day we celebrate a historic event.” He said while decorating a tree to celebrate a holiday that was invented in recent history to celebrate a birth on a date they knowingly moved by months for convenience. “We should all just come together on the actual day like we do for Christmas. You cant just up and move traditions. While yes Aboriginal and Torres Straight Islander people have thousands of years of history and Australia day is on the specific day that a small percentage of modern Aussies’ ancestors begun trying to destroy all of it, you can’t just change the long history of Australia Day being on January 26th dating all the way back to 1994!”
“Sure historians aren’t sure that Jan 26th was the day of the settlers landing, but historians cant be sure of anything. I mean look at their investigation into the life of Jesus. They couldn’t even prove whether his name was Jesus or Joshua. History can be like that sometimes. History is basically just people deciding what is true and what isn’t, so we can just say it is the exact date. I mean I guess the only thing we know for sure is that the date can be painful for modern Aboriginal people, but what better way to make them feel included in the celebration of all Aussies than using that date?”
“I mean as a Christian we have thousands of years of history which we celebrate on December 25th so that in coincides with the birth of Jesus. If we were to move that, historians would laugh at our view of history. Moving a holiday to make it easier on those who celebrates would be stupid and unnecessary. I mean, since it is this time of year I would like to ask, what would Jesus do in this situation? Would he call for a change to include all citizens and assist them with their problems? No, I don’t, umm… think so?”


thechaser--2020-12-28--Scott Morrison enjoying well-earned break to spend time with his coal

Scott Morrison has today taken time off from his time off to do a final photo shoot of the year , this time surrounded by his loved ones — a series of lumps of coal .
“ How great is it to spend time with the ones you love ?
” said the PM while hugging a big lump of coal .
“ 2020 has been a tough year , for me especially .
I mean Federal Parliament sat a whole 54 days this year .
It ’ s about time I finally got another holiday.
” Mr Morrison said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ were complaining about the recession that has seen 800,000 people lose their jobs this year .
“ I don ’ t get what the unemployed people are complaining about , staying home is the best .
If anything they should be thanking my government .
This is living the dream.
” “ You know , as a parent you aren ’ t meant to choose a favourite , and that ’ s how I feel .
I love all my coal equally .
They are the most important thing in the world to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of my life .
It ’ s good to get this opportunity to reconnect with my coal , because to be honest things were a bit rocky when Angus announced the gas power plan but luckily gas power is essentially the same as coal power at this point so it was easy to reconnect with coal .
But I can ’ t imagine my life without my coal , I mean would I even be prime minister if it wasn ’ t for the coal lobby pushing me forward and holding me up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just thinking about it.
” But it wasn ’ t all happy times for the PM and his coal , he told us about some of the disappointment that has occurred this year .
“ We couldn ’ t have everything we wanted this Christmas .
This year we are stuck in boring old Australia , we wanted to go to Hawaii it didn ’ t feel right to go there because Australia wasn ’ t being destroyed by flames .
Fingers crossed for next year though .
With the help of all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a decent chance of next year being the perfect conditions for a Hawaii trip .
”

Scott Morrison has today taken time off from his time off to do a final photo shoot of the year, this time surrounded by his loved ones — a series of lumps of coal.
“How great is it to spend time with the ones you love?” said the PM while hugging a big lump of coal. “2020 has been a tough year, for me especially. I mean Federal Parliament sat a whole 54 days this year. It’s about time I finally got another holiday.”
Mr Morrison said he didn’t understand why people were complaining about the recession that has seen 800,000 people lose their jobs this year. “I don’t get what the unemployed people are complaining about, staying home is the best. If anything they should be thanking my government. This is living the dream.”
“You know, as a parent you aren’t meant to choose a favourite, and that’s how I feel. I love all my coal equally. They are the most important thing in the world to me, my coal are the light of my life. It’s good to get this opportunity to reconnect with my coal, because to be honest things were a bit rocky when Angus announced the gas power plan but luckily gas power is essentially the same as coal power at this point so it was easy to reconnect with coal. But I can’t imagine my life without my coal, I mean would I even be prime minister if it wasn’t for the coal lobby pushing me forward and holding me up? I am getting a bit emotional just thinking about it.”
But it wasn’t all happy times for the PM and his coal, he told us about some of the disappointment that has occurred this year.
“We couldn’t have everything we wanted this Christmas. This year we are stuck in boring old Australia, we wanted to go to Hawaii it didn’t feel right to go there because Australia wasn’t being destroyed by flames. Fingers crossed for next year though. With the help of all this coal, I reckon there is a decent chance of next year being the perfect conditions for a Hawaii trip.”


thechaser--2020-12-28--“There is no way next year could be worse than this year,” says guy for fifth year in a row

As 2020 comes to an end , a local man has expressed relief that next year will definitely ‘ have to be better ’ depsite the fact that this is the fifth year in a row that he has expressed that sentiment .
What started as a whimsical thought after the dog ’ s breakfast that was 2016 , has now become a yearly tradition for Ashwin Patel of Burwood .
“ This has to have been the worst year I can remember , I mean this is so crazy .
There is absolutely no way it could get any @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in 2016 , and ever year subsequently .
“ I can ’ t think of a year that has that has felt so hopeless .
I mean climate change is causing the earth to try and kill us but politicians aren ’ t doing enough to stop it , there was so much sickness , there has been a rise in far-right white supremacist terror , conspiracy theories ran rampant on social media , the media keeps shaming activists fighting racial inequality while inviting racists to speak only worsening the discussions , Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Brexit still hasn ’ t finished yet somehow , the wealth gap increased , tv is basically all terrible dramas or reality tv , rich old people refuse to take young people seriously , most movies are just dogshit cashgrabs , politics and the media is still all run by a bunch of old straight white men , and pretty much every celebrity I admire turned out to be either racist , a sex offender , a paedo or dead .
Also , my friend Alice had a bunch of relationship drama @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t her year , ” said Mr Patel back in 2016 .
Since then , he said the exact same words at the end of each year .
“ I swear it can ’ t get any worse than 2016/2017/2018/2019/2020 .
There is no way the universe can allow next year to be worse than this year.
” In response to the calls for a better year next year , the universe said nothing as it is a vast expanse and not a living thing that has thoughts , the ability to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or care who the fuck we are or what happens to us .
However , experts say that despite the overwhelming evidence that nothing will improve in the new year , puppies still exist for the time being and they are still fun .
“ I mean , it ’ s not like we ’ re going to see the total extermination of puppies in 2021 , ” said one expert .
“ Surely ?
” Mr Patel said that he believes 2021 will break the losing streak .
“ It has to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ doesn ’ t hurt to be optimistic , right ?
What kind of asshole would bring everyone ’ s mood down during this time of year ?
That would be a dick move .
”

“There is no way next year could be worse than this year,” says guy for fifth year in a row
As 2022 comes to an end, a local man has today expressed relief that next year will definitely ‘have to be better’ despite the fact that this is the seventh year in a row that he has expressed that sentiment.
What started as a whimsical thought after the dog’s breakfast that was 2016, has now become a yearly tradition for Ashwin Patel of Burwood.
“This has to have been the worst year I can remember, I mean this is so crazy. There is absolutely no way it could get any worse,” Mr Patel said back in 2016, and ever year subsequently.
“I can’t think of a year that has that has felt so hopeless. Between all the natural disasters, the far-right white supremacist terror, the mass shootings, conspiracy theories, Brexit’s slow fallout, the increasing wealth gap, that mess at the Oscars, and all those famous people dying, this year has been a real mess” said Mr Patel back in 2016, and every year since. “I swear it can’t get any worse than 2016/2017/2018/2019/2020/2021/2022.”
In response to the calls by humanity for a better new year, The Universe was unavailable for comment, as it is a vast uncaring expanse without thoughts, the ability to plan, or any concept of what a year even is. It did however say it was sad to see the Queen go, as it doesn’t really like Prince Charles.


thechaser--2020-12-30--SCG announces Super Spreader ticket deal: “buy one, kill one family member”

As Sydney prepares to go into another lockdown , cricket fever has hit the city almost as fast as the fevers caused by Covid-19 .
The one event that hasn ’ t been restricted to less than five people is the upcoming cricket game scheduled at the SCG which will be restricted to a maximum capacity of only 24,000 people .
But organisers say they are taking the risks very seriously and have come up with a promotion to help encourage those thinking about attending the game and the ‘ unique opportunity ’ this game presents .
“ This year @ @ @ @ @ @ @ excitement in the air , ” said a spokesperson for the SCG Trust .
The spokesperson said that the ground was completely safe .
“ The ground is safe .
Not sure the spectators are though.
” He said people wouldn ’ t want to miss out on what is likely to be a test that will be remembered for a very long time .
“ It will be an experience many could die for !
” “ For this once-in-a-lifetime game we will be running a special ‘ Super Spreader ’ ticket @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 1 family member absolutely free* ( healthcare costs not included ) .
That means that if you ’ re a family of four , with this amazing offer , you get a wonderful day out as a family and also four other family members die .
So that means you won ’ t need to have that awkward chat to your kids regarding the death of their grandparents four different times .
You can get it done all at once !
” “ And that ’ s not all .
There will be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at the grounds , that way when you get diarrhea it could have just been the food .
With half our normal capacity you will have a seat next to you where you can put your food while you stand and cheer for a 6 , all while pretending you are sitting 6 feet apart from the person on the other side of the chair.
” The spokesperson said that spectators will get a free Covid-19 shaped beach ball that will be bounced around all the crowd , with strangers touching it and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when that happens is infectious.
” He said cricketer ’ s ’ well-being was top priority .
“ If a cricketer is hurt , we will make sure medical stuff prioritise the cricketer ’ s needs instead of dealing with this pesky pandemic thing.
” “ So come on down for the test match that will stop the city , for at least an extra 14 days .
”

As Sydney prepares to go into another lockdown, cricket fever has hit the city almost as fast as the fevers caused by Covid-19.
The one event that hasn’t been restricted to less than five people is the upcoming cricket game scheduled at the SCG which will be restricted to a maximum capacity of only 24,000 people.
But organisers say they are taking the risks very seriously and have come up with a promotion to help encourage those thinking about attending the game and the ‘unique opportunity’ this game presents.
“This year, there will be more than just excitement in the air,” said a spokesperson for the SCG Trust.
The spokesperson said that the ground was completely safe. “The ground is safe. Not sure the spectators are though.”
He said people wouldn’t want to miss out on what is likely to be a test that will be remembered for a very long time. “It will be an experience many could die for!”
“For this once-in-a-lifetime game we will be running a special ‘Super Spreader’ ticket deal. Buy 1 ticket and kill 1 family member absolutely free* (healthcare costs not included). That means that if you’re a family of four, with this amazing offer, you get a wonderful day out as a family and also four other family members die. So that means you won’t need to have that awkward chat to your kids regarding the death of their grandparents four different times. You can get it done all at once!”
“And that’s not all. There will be a heavy discount on all the food at the grounds, that way when you get diarrhea it could have just been the food. With half our normal capacity you will have a seat next to you where you can put your food while you stand and cheer for a 6, all while pretending you are sitting 6 feet apart from the person on the other side of the chair.”
The spokesperson said that spectators will get a free Covid-19 shaped beach ball that will be bounced around all the crowd, with strangers touching it and breathing on it. “The excitement when that happens is infectious.”
He said cricketer’s’ well-being was top priority. “If a cricketer is hurt, we will make sure medical stuff prioritise the cricketer’s needs instead of dealing with this pesky pandemic thing.”
“So come on down for the test match that will stop the city, for at least an extra 14 days.”


thechaser--2020-01-31--Scott Morrison brings lump of coronavirus into parliament

Scott Morrison brought a large lump of coronavirus into parliament during Question Time yesterday , dismissing concerns that the coronavirus poses any danger at all .
Joyfully tossing the virus in the air , Mr Morrison said he brought the lump of virus into parliament to highlight what he claims is a scare campaign against the virus .
“ This is coronavirus , ” he told parliament , “ don ’ t be afraid ” .
Experts have warned that the coronavirus poses a massive and imminent threat to the planet .
But Mr Morrison noted Australia was on track @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 2050 .
“ We ’ re meeting out targets at a canter , ” he said .
Mr Morrison noted that the government ran an Anti Skin Cancer education campaign last year , and “ that should count as credits towards our coronavirus campaign.
” Meanwhile , Labor leader Anthony Albanese has said that he is still waiting for polling to come back from Central Queensland before he makes any statements on whether he is for or against the coronavirus .
“ We all know that the coronavirus creates jobs for pall-bearers .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ to come up with a balanced approach to whether we ’ re for or against a global coronavirus pandemic .
It ’ s more complicated than people make out.
” Mr Morrison said that if his coronavirus stunt in parliament did end up causing illness , it was The Green ’ s fault anyway .

Scott Morrison brought a large lump of coronavirus into parliament during Question Time yesterday, dismissing concerns that the coronavirus poses any danger at all. Joyfully tossing the virus in the air, Mr Morrison said he brought the lump of virus into parliament to highlight what he claims is a scare campaign against the virus.
“This is coronavirus,” he told parliament, “don’t be afraid”. Experts have warned that the coronavirus poses a massive and imminent threat to the planet. But Mr Morrison noted Australia was on track to curb the impact of coronavirus by 2050. “We’re meeting out targets at a canter,” he said.
Mr Morrison noted that the government ran an Anti Skin Cancer education campaign last year, and “that should count as credits towards our coronavirus campaign.”
Meanwhile, Labor leader Anthony Albanese has said that he is still waiting for polling to come back from Central Queensland before he makes any statements on whether he is for or against the coronavirus. “We all know that the coronavirus creates jobs for pall-bearers. We need to take that into account to come up with a balanced approach to whether we’re for or against a global coronavirus pandemic. It’s more complicated than people make out.”
Mr Morrison said that if his coronavirus stunt in parliament did end up causing illness, it was The Green’s fault anyway.


thechaser--2020-02-03--Former Greens Leader Di Natale excited for first day as coal lobbyist

Former Greens leader and part-time black wiggle , Richard Di Natale , has today enjoyed his first day out of a high ranking politics job , by kicking back , opening a beer , and accepting a $ 10 million a year gig as a coal lobbyist .
“ Turns out I was all wrong about coal , ” explained Richard to a surprised press pack today , as he lit a cigar with a $ 100 note .
“ After much research and a $ 5 million cheque , I ’ ve come to realise that coal isn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out to be .
It ’ s actually really important for the economy.
” Asked how this meshes with his past stance as the leader of Australia ’ s leading environmental party , Di Natale explained that while he was still a greenie at heart , he will always first and foremost be an Australian politician , and as such he has to stay true to the reality that all politicians will immediately sell out to the highest bidder the moment their parliamentary career tanks .
“ Oh what , you ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Di Natale asked the nation sarcastically .
“ Look I spent ten years of my life trying to convince you dickheads to do the bare minimum on climate change , only to be blocked and mocked by you mouth breathers at every turn .
Fact is it ’ s become clear none of you are going to do a damn thing to stop this apocalypse , so I might as well spend the last years of earth living it up on a $ 10 million a year salary eating lobster on a yacht @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and save a population that is happy to keep electing sociopaths that openly rort the taxpayer if it means no carbon tax.
” “ Fuck that noise .
Enjoy your funeral Australia , if anyone wants me , I ’ ll be in Hawaii .
”

Former Greens leader and part-time black wiggle, Richard Di Natale, has today enjoyed his first day out of a high ranking politics job, by kicking back, opening a beer, and accepting a $10 million a year gig as a coal lobbyist.
“Turns out I was all wrong about coal,” explained Richard to a surprised press pack today, as he lit a cigar with a $100 note. “After much research and a $5 million cheque, I’ve come to realise that coal isn’t the demon it’s made out to be. It’s actually really important for the economy.”
Asked how this meshes with his past stance as the leader of Australia’s leading environmental party, Di Natale explained that while he was still a greenie at heart, he will always first and foremost be an Australian politician, and as such he has to stay true to the reality that all politicians will immediately sell out to the highest bidder the moment their parliamentary career tanks.
“Oh what, you’re all going to judge me?” Di Natale asked the nation sarcastically. “Look I spent ten years of my life trying to convince you dickheads to do the bare minimum on climate change, only to be blocked and mocked by you mouth breathers at every turn. Fact is it’s become clear none of you are going to do a damn thing to stop this apocalypse, so I might as well spend the last years of earth living it up on a $10 million a year salary eating lobster on a yacht, instead of stressing myself to try and save a population that is happy to keep electing sociopaths that openly rort the taxpayer if it means no carbon tax.”
“Fuck that noise. Enjoy your funeral Australia, if anyone wants me, I’ll be in Hawaii.”


thechaser--2020-02-03--Treasurer announces policy reversal: pay $1,000 or else you’ll be flown to Christmas Island

Surprised to learn that people don ’ t really want to pay $ 1,000 to be taken to Christmas Island , the Treasurer has announced a new policy : pay $ 1,000 or else you ’ ll be flown to Christmas Island .
“ We ’ ve blown hundreds of millions of dollars getting our hell-hole there open again , ” said the Treasurer , Josh Frydenberg .
“ And for no good reason .
Its time for the Commonwealth to fill up some beds !
” The new policy of compulsory evacuation applies to all Australians in Wuhan province @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , or anywhere else in the world for that matter – if they can ’ t come up with $ 1,000 fast .
“ And we ’ ve just flown in a planeload of coronavirus as well , ” said Mr Frydenberg .
“ To help focus people ’ s minds .
So if you don ’ t fancy a bit of that , cough up , or else.
” The Treasurer explained that the plan is to claw back some of Kevin Rudd ’ s $ 900 cheques , plus interest , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Sucking money out of the economy should help to plunge Australia into the recession that should have followed the GFC , thus putting everything right in the world .
The Christmas Island Tourism Association welcomed the move , but bemoaned the lack of consultation .
“ If anyone had bothered to ask us , we would have told them that of course no-one wants to see a prison cum leper colony covered in crabs .
We ’ ve been begging the government for years to force tourists to come.
” The first @ @ @ @ @ @ @ week .
Funding for new sports facilities will follow , subject to the outcomes of exit polls to be conducted as new residents alight their planes .

Surprised to learn that people don’t really want to pay $1,000 to be taken to Christmas Island, the Treasurer has announced a new policy: pay $1,000 or else you’ll be flown to Christmas Island.
“We’ve blown hundreds of millions of dollars getting our hell-hole there open again,” said the Treasurer, Josh Frydenberg. “And for no good reason. Its time for the Commonwealth to fill up some beds!”
The new policy of compulsory evacuation applies to all Australians in Wuhan province or elsewhere in China, or Australia, or anywhere else in the world for that matter – if they can’t come up with $1,000 fast.
“And we’ve just flown in a planeload of coronavirus as well,” said Mr Frydenberg. “To help focus people’s minds. So if you don’t fancy a bit of that, cough up, or else.”
The Treasurer explained that the plan is to claw back some of Kevin Rudd’s $900 cheques, plus interest, helping to keep the budget in surplus. Sucking money out of the economy should help to plunge Australia into the recession that should have followed the GFC, thus putting everything right in the world.
The Christmas Island Tourism Association welcomed the move, but bemoaned the lack of consultation. “If anyone had bothered to ask us, we would have told them that of course no-one wants to see a prison cum leper colony covered in crabs. We’ve been begging the government for years to force tourists to come.”
The first planeloads of forced arrivals are expected this week. Funding for new sports facilities will follow, subject to the outcomes of exit polls to be conducted as new residents alight their planes.


thechaser--2020-02-03--Australia to discourage tourism from China by replaying Scott Morrison’s old marketing campaigns

This image literally was used to advertise Australia under ScoMo .
We did not photoshop this .
Part time Prime Minister and former marketing executive Scott Morrison has today put his years of experience as the failed head of Tourism Australia to good use , after it was announced that Australia would be barring travel from major tourist hub China in order to stem the spread of the Corona virus .
Rushing to prevent all tourists from visiting the country , the Prime Minister hastily recommissioned all his past tourism campaigns to be played on Chinese TV round the clock @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Hell Are You ’ campaign which was banned in the UK , to the ‘ 100 % Pure New Zealand ’ campaign which spruiks the benefits of Australia ’ s largest tourism competitor .
The footage will be also interspersed with shocking images of the bushfire crisis to further demotivate travellers , including devastating footage of the Prime Minister forcing an innocent civilian to shake his hand .
“ I ’ m glad to see my ads have held up so well , ” commented Morrison , “ In fact , you might @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at keeping out Australians than when they first aired .
Take this banner ad that ran across Asia .
Notice how the ominous orange harbor , shrouded in fire and written over in strange scrawled text takes on a whole new , even more horrifying tone in 2020 ?
That ’ s champagne advertising right there .
Corked to perfection .
”

Part time Prime Minister and former marketing executive Scott Morrison has today put his years of experience as the failed head of Tourism Australia to good use, after it was announced that Australia would be barring travel from major tourist hub China in order to stem the spread of the Corona virus.
Rushing to prevent all tourists from visiting the country, the Prime Minister hastily recommissioned all his past tourism campaigns to be played on Chinese TV round the clock – from the ‘Where the Bloody Hell Are You’ campaign which was banned in the UK, to the ‘100% Pure New Zealand’ campaign which spruiks the benefits of Australia’s largest tourism competitor. The footage will be also interspersed with shocking images of the bushfire crisis to further demotivate travellers, including devastating footage of the Prime Minister forcing an innocent civilian to shake his hand.
“I’m glad to see my ads have held up so well,” commented Morrison, “In fact, you might say they’re even more effective at keeping out Australians than when they first aired. Take this banner ad that ran across Asia. Notice how the ominous orange harbor, shrouded in fire and written over in strange scrawled text takes on a whole new, even more horrifying tone in 2020? That’s champagne advertising right there. Corked to perfection.”


thechaser--2020-02-03--Plans underway for Crown Casino on Christmas Island after recent influx of Chinese travellers

Crown Casino has announced plans to fast track a 50-storey casino on Christmas Island , just hours after evacuees from Wuhan arrived on the tiny island .
Billionaire shareholder James Packer said the casino was being built in the face of an emergency .
“ If this complex doesn ’ t get built quick enough , there ’ ll be a whole planeload of people from China who will have to go without necessities , like poker tables , roulette wheels and VIP pokies lounges.
” Mr Packer pledged that the entire complex would be finished within nine days .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ run into difficulties sourcing reliable labor , but he ’ d now solved the problem .
“ We found a lot of highly skilled construction workers who were working on a new hospital in Wuhan .
They seemed very efficient , so we poached the lot of them .
Sure the hospital won ’ t be built any time soon , but at least the casino will be up and running.
” Mr Packer said the pace of the building was very pleasing .
“ We are truly indebted to all the builders @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hard on this casino .
And I ’ m sure they ’ ll become truly indebted to us once they start playing at this casino .
”

Crown Casino has announced plans to fast track a 50-storey casino on Christmas Island, just hours after evacuees from Wuhan arrived on the tiny island.
Billionaire shareholder James Packer said the casino was being built in the face of an emergency. “If this complex doesn’t get built quick enough, there’ll be a whole planeload of people from China who will have to go without necessities, like poker tables, roulette wheels and VIP pokies lounges.”
Mr Packer pledged that the entire complex would be finished within nine days.
Mr Packer said the project had initially run into difficulties sourcing reliable labor, but he’d now solved the problem. “We found a lot of highly skilled construction workers who were working on a new hospital in Wuhan. They seemed very efficient, so we poached the lot of them. Sure the hospital won’t be built any time soon, but at least the casino will be up and running.”
Mr Packer said the pace of the building was very pleasing. “We are truly indebted to all the builders, architects and tradies for working so hard on this casino. And I’m sure they’ll become truly indebted to us once they start playing at this casino.”


thechaser--2020-02-03--Bob Katter steps down but we’re not going to talk about it because every three months someone is tor

Bob Katter did something today but we ’ re not going to focus on that because frankly it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ three months someone is torn to shreds by crocodiles in north Queensland , which is @ @ @ @ @ , more power to him , may a thousand blossoms bloom , but franly what @ @ @ @ @ of his own career isn ’ t an issue we ’ re concerned with .
@ @ @ @ @ Australians are more concerned about real issues like why he always wears such weird hats @ @ @ @ @ ’ t answer a single questions without wildly going on a tangent about 10 seconds @ @ @ @ @ or not Bob Katter will be staying in politics .
Honestly , we have no @ @ @ @ @ Just because we spend all our free time looking up images of him on the @ @ @ @ @ God he has a nice butt though .

Bob Katter steps down but we’re not going to talk about it because every three months someone is torn to shreds by crocodiles in north Queensland
Bob Katter did something today but we’re not going to focus on that because frankly it’s a minor issue and every three months someone is torn to shreds by crocodiles in north Queensland, which is sorely overlooked.
I mean, more power to him, may a thousand blossoms bloom, but franly what Katter does in the privacy of his own career isn’t an issue we’re concerned with. Seriously, the majority of Australians are more concerned about real issues like why he always wears such weird hats, and why he can’t answer a single questions without wildly going on a tangent about 10 seconds into the answer than whether or not Bob Katter will be staying in politics.
Honestly, we have no interest in Bob Katter. Just because we spend all our free time looking up images of him on the internet is purely coincidence. God he has a nice butt though.


thechaser--2020-02-03--Greens Leader Richard Di Natale steps down for more personal time to start bushfires

Greens Leader and renaissance painter Richard Di Natale has today announced his plan to resign from the Greens leadership , stating he has accomplished all the middling success he had set out to achieve .
“ When I became the leader of the Greens , we were a minor party with a handful of senators and one member in the house of representatives .
Now , with the country in the grips of a climate change induced apocalypse , socialism making a comeback , and the Green movement more popular than ever , I ’ m glad to say that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ position as when I took over .
Mission accomplished.
” Asked what he will be doing with his free time after he exits politics , Di Natale says he will be using his newfound freedom to pursue his dual passions of starting bushfires and secretly plotting with climate scientists to evily reduce pollution for a nefarious secret reason that he can not yet reveal .
“ Unfortunately having to spend my time running a political party , it ’ s meant I ’ ve had to make compromises around my ability to focus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , like my young kids , and shooting a lazer from the sky to start bushfires in order to clear a corridor for high speed rail .
I think if you ’ d ask any parent , they ’ d agree that the early years of your childs life is the most important time for a parent to be starting bushfires .
”

Greens Leader and renaissance painter Richard Di Natale has today announced his plan to resign from the Greens leadership, stating he has accomplished all the middling success he had set out to achieve.
“When I became the leader of the Greens, we were a minor party with a handful of senators and one member in the house of representatives. Now, with the country in the grips of a climate change induced apocalypse, socialism making a comeback, and the Green movement more popular than ever, I’m glad to say that we’re in exactly the same position as when I took over. Mission accomplished.”
Asked what he will be doing with his free time after he exits politics, Di Natale says he will be using his newfound freedom to pursue his dual passions of starting bushfires and secretly plotting with climate scientists to evily reduce pollution for a nefarious secret reason that he cannot yet reveal. “Unfortunately having to spend my time running a political party, it’s meant I’ve had to make compromises around my ability to focus on the more important things in life, like my young kids, and shooting a lazer from the sky to start bushfires in order to clear a corridor for high speed rail. I think if you’d ask any parent, they’d agree that the early years of your childs life is the most important time for a parent to be starting bushfires.”


thechaser--2020-02-02--Secret rort report says Morrison deserves an immediate holiday for being such a top bloke, claims Mo

Secret rort report says Morrison deserves an immediate holiday for being such a top bloke, claims Morrison

The secret report into the sport rort saga , which the Prime Minister is refusing to release , says Scott Morrison should take a well-earned break , according to the Prime Minister .
Mr Morrison yesterday refused to release the report which was conducted by his former chief of staff , but claimed that it cleared him of any wrong doing .
“ The report clearly says that the National Party are going to take the fall for this one , ” Mr Morrison told reporters .
“ Not only that , ” he said , “ it actually says @ @ @ @ @ @ @ should book a two week getaway at the Waikiki Sheraton .
Fancy that ?
!
It was a real surprise , but I ’ m a real stickler for the rules so I suppose I ’ m just going to have to follow the recommendations.
” Mr Morrison dismissed claims that the report was little more than a cover up .
“ It was an arms-length process .
As my mate was writing it , I made sure I stayed at least one arms length away from him at all times .
”

The secret report into the sport rort saga, which the Prime Minister is refusing to release, says Scott Morrison should take a well-earned break, according to the Prime Minister.
Mr Morrison yesterday refused to release the report which was conducted by his former chief of staff, but claimed that it cleared him of any wrong doing. “The report clearly says that the National Party are going to take the fall for this one,” Mr Morrison told reporters.
“Not only that,” he said, “it actually says I’m a top bloke and should book a two week getaway at the Waikiki Sheraton. Fancy that?! It was a real surprise, but I’m a real stickler for the rules so I suppose I’m just going to have to follow the recommendations.”
Mr Morrison dismissed claims that the report was little more than a cover up. “It was an arms-length process. As my mate was writing it, I made sure I stayed at least one arms length away from him at all times.”


thechaser--2020-02-02--Government reverses decision to charge Australians fleeing China if they’re from marginal electorate

Government reverses decision to charge Australians fleeing China if they’re from marginal electorates

The Australian government has today reversed its stance on charging certain citizens a fee for using a chartered flight to escape the Coronavirus infested region of Wuhan .
Bill Rort from the Department of Foreign Affairs spoke with reporters this afternoon , said it was simply unfair to charge Liberal voters extra to fly home , stating “ after careful review of where these affected people reside we are now more than happy to financially assist some of them , as set out in this colour coded spreadsheet.
” The new arrangement will see citizens from marginal electorates seated in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and a $ 100,000 sports grant to a local club of their choice .
All other undesirable passengers will be seated near the plane ’ s toilets with only one episode of Big Bang Theory ( without the laugh track ) being made available on the in-flight entertainment .
When questioned whether this was ethical Mr Rort said it was perfectly normal to preference certain voters when responding to their needs .
“ The public shouldn ’ t be concerned , and I ’ d like to make it clear that no rules @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ All passengers receiving financial assistance are eligible and we are simply being consistent with past behaviours .
”

The Australian government has today reversed its stance on charging certain citizens a fee for using a chartered flight to escape the Coronavirus infested region of Wuhan. Bill Rort from the Department of Foreign Affairs spoke with reporters this afternoon, said it was simply unfair to charge Liberal voters extra to fly home, stating “after careful review of where these affected people reside we are now more than happy to financially assist some of them, as set out in this colour coded spreadsheet.”
The new arrangement will see citizens from marginal electorates seated in first class, given Qantas lounge memberships and a $100,000 sports grant to a local club of their choice. All other undesirable passengers will be seated near the plane’s toilets with only one episode of Big Bang Theory (without the laugh track) being made available on the in-flight entertainment.
When questioned whether this was ethical Mr Rort said it was perfectly normal to preference certain voters when responding to their needs. “The public shouldn’t be concerned, and I’d like to make it clear that no rules have been broken,” he explained. “All passengers receiving financial assistance are eligible and we are simply being consistent with past behaviours.”


thechaser--2020-02-02--Nation put on extreme danger alert as Barnaby Joyce spotted dusting off his leadership hat

Former Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has dusted off his leadership hat and shagged the nearest staffer in celebration of the news that his former role as deputy leader of the Nationals is back on the table in the wake of Bridget McKenzie ’ s resignation .
“ Looks like everything ’ s coming up Baranby !
” said Joyce as he drained an entire bottle of wine .
“ Now somebody get me a phone , I ’ ve got a lot of wild and rambling phone calls to make to journalists before I pass out for the night.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ balloon burst , after colleagues told him that the nationals have found other , much worse , candidates who are available to fill the role .
“ Mark here has been secretly using his portfolio to grant himself mineral rights through a holding company , and Dawn here ’ s been using her electoral finances for personal purchases on an easily traceable credit card , ” explained Nationals leader Michael McCormack .
“ It ’ ll be good to get some fresh blood into the job , and see what new ideas they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ obvious corruption we can be bringing to the coalition table .
”

Former Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has dusted off his leadership hat and shagged the nearest staffer in celebration of the news that his former role as deputy leader of the Nationals is back on the table in the wake of Bridget McKenzie’s resignation.
“Looks like everything’s coming up Baranby!” said Joyce as he drained an entire bottle of wine. “Now somebody get me a phone, I’ve got a lot of wild and rambling phone calls to make to journalists before I pass out for the night.”
However, Joyce quickly had his balloon burst, after colleagues told him that the nationals have found other, much worse, candidates who are available to fill the role. “Mark here has been secretly using his portfolio to grant himself mineral rights through a holding company, and Dawn here’s been using her electoral finances for personal purchases on an easily traceable credit card,” explained Nationals leader Michael McCormack. “It’ll be good to get some fresh blood into the job, and see what new ideas they bring for the kinds of stupid and obvious corruption we can be bringing to the coalition table.”


thechaser--2020-02-02--Bridget McKenzie to be punished with $10 million a year coal board job

Disgraced Deputy Prime Minister Bridget McKenzie has today been forced to stand down following a report by the auditor general that found that she had inappropriately put the office stapler back in the wrong cupboard , and also may or may not have embezzled millions of dollars in taxpayer money in order to swing an election .
“ This is a sad , sad day for politics , ” announced the Prime Minister when signalling the resignation , “ It ’ s just a good thing that this was another example of lone-wolf corruption , and nobody else , from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the party administration who signed off on her funding , to the fellow ministers all saw her colour coded spreadsheet , were in any way involved in this despicable and evil trickery by Bridget.
” The Prime Minister also explained that Ms McKenzie will be taking time out of her job to think about what she ’ s done , thanks to a very generous offer by a coal mining company .
“ Bridget has been placed on indefinite leave while she sits on this company ’ s board and thinks long @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said Morrison , “ hopefully the $ 10 million a year salary they ’ re offering her will teach her a thing or two about corruption , and serve as an example to the rest of the politicians in Canberra.
” Asked whether McKenzie would perhaps be facing some kind of legal punishment for a crime that in any other workplace would see a person fined , if not jailed , Morrison laughed , and said that was ridiculous .
“ Legal punishment , for simply misappropriating a few million dollars ?
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one .
God , what will you people come up with next , some kind of ‘ Federal ICAC ’ , haha hilarious .
You guys really crack me up .
”

Disgraced Deputy Prime Minister Bridget McKenzie has today been forced to stand down following a report by the auditor general that found that she had inappropriately put the office stapler back in the wrong cupboard, and also may or may not have embezzled millions of dollars in taxpayer money in order to swing an election.
“This is a sad, sad day for politics,” announced the Prime Minister when signalling the resignation, “It’s just a good thing that this was another example of lone-wolf corruption, and nobody else, from the staffers who worked with her, to the party administration who signed off on her funding, to the fellow ministers all saw her colour coded spreadsheet, were in any way involved in this despicable and evil trickery by Bridget.”
The Prime Minister also explained that Ms McKenzie will be taking time out of her job to think about what she’s done, thanks to a very generous offer by a coal mining company. “Bridget has been placed on indefinite leave while she sits on this company’s board and thinks long and hard about her mistake,” said Morrison, “hopefully the $10 million a year salary they’re offering her will teach her a thing or two about corruption, and serve as an example to the rest of the politicians in Canberra.”
Asked whether McKenzie would perhaps be facing some kind of legal punishment for a crime that in any other workplace would see a person fined, if not jailed, Morrison laughed, and said that was ridiculous. “Legal punishment, for simply misappropriating a few million dollars?” chuckled Morrison, “Pull the other one. God, what will you people come up with next, some kind of ‘Federal ICAC’, haha hilarious. You guys really crack me up.”


thechaser--2020-02-02--Following bad publicity from name, Corona announce plan to rebrand as ‘Tuberculosis Beer’

The Corona beer bottling company has today held an emergency meeting in the wake of the international corona virus outbreak , in order to workshop a new name for the company to avert plummeting sales .
“ We ’ ve thrown around a lot of ideas in the last 24 hours , ” said one marketing expert .
“ From ‘ mono beer ’ , to ‘ typhoid beer ’ , ‘ infectious mononucleosis with secondary bronchitis beer ’ .
We even considered Sars until we found out that was already a drink .
Unfortunately none of them really captured @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the team settled on ‘ Tuberculosis Beer ’ after seeing it had a strong emotional response from its core market of day drinkers who ’ d happily sit outside at a party drowning spent ciggies in a discarded bottle , and then spend the rest of the evening hocking up a loogie .
“ It really spoke to them , ” said an executive , “ in between gasping coughs.
” “ The only name we tried that everybody hated was VB .
Apparently they all thought it sounded too much like ‘ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of disease .
”

The Corona beer bottling company has today held an emergency meeting in the wake of the international corona virus outbreak, in order to workshop a new name for the company to avert plummeting sales.
“We’ve thrown around a lot of ideas in the last 24 hours,” said one marketing expert. “From ‘mono beer’, to ‘typhoid beer’, ‘infectious mononucleosis with secondary bronchitis beer’. We even considered Sars until we found out that was already a drink. Unfortunately none of them really captured the essence of our drink.”
Eventually the team settled on ‘Tuberculosis Beer’ after seeing it had a strong emotional response from its core market of day drinkers who’d happily sit outside at a party drowning spent ciggies in a discarded bottle, and then spend the rest of the evening hocking up a loogie. “It really spoke to them,” said an executive, “in between gasping coughs.”
“The only name we tried that everybody hated was VB. Apparently they all thought it sounded too much like ‘VD’ which is apparently some kind of disease.”


thechaser--2020-02-02--Pauline Hanson calls for Corona beer ban, until we know what role it played in virus

Former fish and chip shop owner and the world ’ s number one source of hot-air emissions , Pauline Hanson , has today tabled a bill in parliament to ban the sale of all Corona beer , until health authorities can establish what role it is playing in the current viral outbreak in China .
“ It doesn ’ t take a geniush to see that this virus is called corona , and this beer is called Corona , ” said Hanson today while standing in front of a giant board covered in red string .
“ Call me an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s all connected somehow .
Do you seriously expect me to believe this is all just coincidence ?
” Asked what in god ’ s name she was talking about , Ms Hanson explained that it was basic science .
“ When two things are called the same thing its because that ’ s what causes them !
” said Hanson .
“ Like with birds cause bird flu , salmon causes salmonella , and hungry bees cause diet-beeties.
” Mrs Hanson was also careful to cancel all breakfast TV appearances until the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I ’ m told it ’ s being spread by a host of some kind , so I ’ m being careful , ” explained Hanson .
“ I don ’ t know which one yet , but my money ’ s on Kochie .
Or maybe Mel .
It ’ s hard to tell , they all look so pale on that show .
Makes you wonder how anyone hosting a show in Australia could catch the disease considering there ’ s not a single Chinese person to be seen.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ problem when even the white supremacists think TV ’ s a bit white .
”

Former fish and chip shop owner and the world’s number one source of hot-air emissions, Pauline Hanson, has today tabled a bill in parliament to ban the sale of all Corona beer, until health authorities can establish what role it is playing in the current viral outbreak in China.
“It doesn’t take a geniush to see that this virus is called corona, and this beer is called Corona,” said Hanson today while standing in front of a giant board covered in red string. “Call me an idiot, but I know it’s all connected somehow. Do you seriously expect me to believe this is all just coincidence?”
Asked what in god’s name she was talking about, Ms Hanson explained that it was basic science. “When two things are called the same thing its because that’s what causes them!” said Hanson. “Like with birds cause bird flu, salmon causes salmonella, and hungry bees cause diet-beeties.”
Mrs Hanson was also careful to cancel all breakfast TV appearances until the source of the virus was found. “I’m told it’s being spread by a host of some kind, so I’m being careful,” explained Hanson. “I don’t know which one yet, but my money’s on Kochie. Or maybe Mel. It’s hard to tell, they all look so pale on that show. Makes you wonder how anyone hosting a show in Australia could catch the disease considering there’s not a single Chinese person to be seen.”
“You know it’s a problem when even the white supremacists think TV’s a bit white.”


thechaser--2020-02-02--Pauline Hanson overdoses on ecstasy after hearing about Chinese ban

Breakfast TV ’ s favourite white supremacist and famed Pauline Pantsdown impersonator , Pauline Hanson , has today been rushed to hospital , after she collapsed in a fit of ecstasy after being told that all travel from China had been banned .
“ I just want to thank everyone who made this moment possible , ” said a teary Pauline as she was rolled into an ambulance .
“ I want to thank God , I want to thank my supporters , but most of all I want to thank the Corona company for making a beer so strong @ @ @ @ @ @ @ knew they had it in them.
” Asked whether her joy at hearing about the Chinese travel ban has more to do with her hatred of all non-white people than a genuine concern for public health , Mrs Hanson said nothing could be further from the truth .
“ I reject any claims that I am a Xylophone !
” said Mrs Hanson , “ I assure you my only concern is for the public ’ s health , why else do you think I ’ ve spent all these years arguing against @ @ @ @ @ @ @ alien I am afraid of is Malcom Roberts .
God that guy ’ s creepy.
” “ In fact I ’ m so concerned about public health , I ’ m even releasing my own brand of facemasks , ” continued Hanson .
“ These full face , white , triangular facemasks are made of the finest bedsheets , and are sure to ward off all kinds of nasty invaders into your otherwise pure bloodline.
” Hanson was later released from hospital after refusing to take an X-Ray , over fears they might @ @ @

Breakfast TV’s favourite white supremacist and famed Pauline Pantsdown impersonator, Pauline Hanson, has today been rushed to hospital, after she collapsed in a fit of ecstasy after being told that all travel from China had been banned.
“I just want to thank everyone who made this moment possible,” said a teary Pauline as she was rolled into an ambulance. “I want to thank God, I want to thank my supporters, but most of all I want to thank the Corona company for making a beer so strong it can kill you. I never knew they had it in them.”
Asked whether her joy at hearing about the Chinese travel ban has more to do with her hatred of all non-white people than a genuine concern for public health, Mrs Hanson said nothing could be further from the truth. “I reject any claims that I am a Xylophone!” said Mrs Hanson, “I assure you my only concern is for the public’s health, why else do you think I’ve spent all these years arguing against vaccinations?”
“The only illegal alien I am afraid of is Malcom Roberts. God that guy’s creepy.”
“In fact I’m so concerned about public health, I’m even releasing my own brand of facemasks,” continued Hanson. “These full face, white, triangular facemasks are made of the finest bedsheets, and are sure to ward off all kinds of nasty invaders into your otherwise pure bloodline.”
Hanson was later released from hospital after refusing to take an X-Ray, over fears they might give her bone-autism


thechaser--2020-02-03--Barnaby Joyce regrets getting Dutton to do his numbers for him

Barnaby Joyce has said he regrets getting Peter Dutton to do his numbers for him , after narrowly losing a @ @ @ @ @ .
Mr Joyce said he wanted to re-enter the leadership in order to spend “ @ @ @ @ @ ” His family were reportedly strongly supportive of this decision .
Shortly before the ballot @ @ @ @ @ , by his calculations , he had 55 out of 21 votes .
However , @ @ @ @ @ ballot saw Joyce narrowly lose 11-10 .
Mr Dutton told reporters he wasn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ “ 11-10 sounds like it was pretty close .
I ’ ll have to get @ @ @ @ @ out how many Barnaby lost by , but it can ’ t be that many @ @ @ @ @ ?
” Mr Joyce said that he was philosophical about his loss .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ Party , as long as it sticks to its core mission of selling out farmers @ @ @ @ @

Barnaby Joyce regrets getting Dutton to do his numbers for him
Barnaby Joyce has said he regrets getting Peter Dutton to do his numbers for him, after narrowly losing a leadership spill to Michael McCormack.
Mr Joyce said he wanted to re-enter the leadership in order to spend “less time with the family.” His family were reportedly strongly supportive of this decision.
Shortly before the ballot Mr Dutton told Joyce that, by his calculations, he had 55 out of 21 votes. However, the final vote in the ballot saw Joyce narrowly lose 11-10.
Mr Dutton told reporters he wasn’t sure what went wrong. “11-10 sounds like it was pretty close. I’ll have to get out my calculator to work out how many Barnaby lost by, but it can’t be that many. Is twelvety a number?”
Mr Joyce said that he was philosophical about his loss. “I will always support the National Party, as long as it sticks to its core mission of selling out farmers to mining interests.”


thechaser--2020-02-03--Pistol and Boo placed in protective custody ahead of Barnaby Joyce’s leadership spill

Movie star Johnny Depp ’ s dogs Pistol and Boo have today been placed into protective custody by police , following news that Barnaby Joyce is set to once again contest for the role of Deputy Prime Minister of Australia .
“ While there is no immediate threat , we are doing this as a precautionary measure , ” explained Los Angeles police today .
“ We just don ’ t want to find ourselves in a situation where Joyce could use his diplomatic immunity as Deputy Prime Minister to order a state sanctioned assassination of the dogs as retribution @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this was a likely threat that the police are actually taking seriously , the LAPD explained that they never thought it likely that a man who was Deputy Prime Minister of a nation state would be stupid enough to have sex with a staff member while married , not use a condom , then act surprised when she gets pregnant and it ruins his career , but that ’ s just the kind of wildcard Joyce is .
“ For all we know the man might sign off on a multi-million dollar water @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or turn up to his job drunk for weeks on end , or do a radio interview where the only word he says is ‘ Labour ’ , or post a rambling video to twitter on Christmas from the middle of a paddock , where he attempts to point at god with his camera , or maybe he might even re-apply for a job which he famously flamed out of just over a year before , ” explained an officer .
“ The idea that he might use a nation state ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s dog is actually pretty low down on the list of most unbelievable things the man will probably do if he gets back in power .
”

Movie star Johnny Depp’s dogs Pistol and Boo have today been placed into protective custody by police, following news that Barnaby Joyce is set to once again contest for the role of Deputy Prime Minister of Australia.
“While there is no immediate threat, we are doing this as a precautionary measure,” explained Los Angeles police today. “We just don’t want to find ourselves in a situation where Joyce could use his diplomatic immunity as Deputy Prime Minister to order a state sanctioned assassination of the dogs as retribution for ruining his career.”
Asked whether this was a likely threat that the police are actually taking seriously, the LAPD explained that they never thought it likely that a man who was Deputy Prime Minister of a nation state would be stupid enough to have sex with a staff member while married, not use a condom, then act surprised when she gets pregnant and it ruins his career, but that’s just the kind of wildcard Joyce is.
“For all we know the man might sign off on a multi-million dollar water deal without reading the fine print, or turn up to his job drunk for weeks on end, or do a radio interview where the only word he says is ‘Labour’, or post a rambling video to twitter on Christmas from the middle of a paddock, where he attempts to point at god with his camera, or maybe he might even re-apply for a job which he famously flamed out of just over a year before,” explained an officer. “The idea that he might use a nation state’s resources to murder a Hollywood celebrity’s dog is actually pretty low down on the list of most unbelievable things the man will probably do if he gets back in power.”


thechaser--2020-02-04--Government awards Adani coal mine $3 billion to upgrade sporting facilities

The Morrison government has today awarded over $ 3 billion in local sporting grants to the Adani coal mine in North Queensland , to allow the company to start much needed upgrades on the women ’ s bathrooms at their on-site sporting facilities .
“ No longer will female miners be required to change behind a dumptruck or a giant pile of iron ore , ” said a tearful Michaelea Cash today .
“ Thanks to this generous $ 3 billion LIBERAL PARTY grant , when women drop by the newly built Adani foosball table for a bit of R @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that they will be enjoying state-of-the-art changerooms , complete with a $ 2 billion upgrade to the changeroom ’ s mineral-oil processing capabilities .
You wouldn ’ t see that kind of luxury under Labor , believe you me.
” However , the plan has already hit a snag , with constitutional lawyers questioning whether it is legal for the government to give a $ 3 billion local sports grant to a multi-national with little to no actual sporting equipment .
“ Well that ’ s just stupid , ” replied Scott Morrison @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Of course they don ’ t have any sporting facilities !
That ’ s why we gave them the grant !
These poor struggling miners don ’ t even have a squash court.
” “ Anyway to put you all at ease I ’ ll get someone in my office to investigate , but I guarantee they ’ ll find the whole thing is perfectly above board and legal .
In fact I ’ m so sure they ’ ll be cool with it that I ’ ll just tell you all that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t even release the report .
That ’ s how confident I am this is not corrupt.
” “ Now if you ’ ll excuse me , I have to go .
I have a large unmarked sack of dollar bills to collect from a man in a trench coat .
Wait , actually forget I said that .
”

The Morrison government has today awarded over $3 billion in local sporting grants to the Adani coal mine in North Queensland, to allow the company to start much needed upgrades on the women’s bathrooms at their on-site sporting facilities.
“No longer will female miners be required to change behind a dumptruck or a giant pile of iron ore,” said a tearful Michaelea Cash today. “Thanks to this generous $3 billion LIBERAL PARTY grant, when women drop by the newly built Adani foosball table for a bit of R&R, you can rest assured that they will be enjoying state-of-the-art changerooms, complete with a $2 billion upgrade to the changeroom’s mineral-oil processing capabilities. You wouldn’t see that kind of luxury under Labor, believe you me.”
However, the plan has already hit a snag, with constitutional lawyers questioning whether it is legal for the government to give a $3 billion local sports grant to a multi-national with little to no actual sporting equipment. “Well that’s just stupid,” replied Scott Morrison when asked about the situation. “Of course they don’t have any sporting facilities! That’s why we gave them the grant! These poor struggling miners don’t even have a squash court.”
“Anyway to put you all at ease I’ll get someone in my office to investigate, but I guarantee they’ll find the whole thing is perfectly above board and legal. In fact I’m so sure they’ll be cool with it that I’ll just tell you all that it’s okay and I won’t even release the report. That’s how confident I am this is not corrupt.”
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. I have a large unmarked sack of dollar bills to collect from a man in a trench coat. Wait, actually forget I said that.”


thechaser--2020-03-30--Rugby Australia confirms 20-year decline due to coronavirus

Rugby Australia has released a statement clarifying Rugby Union ’ s two decades of decline in this country can be attributed to the novel coronavirus .
“ While comparatively low player salaries , chronic mismanagement , regularly flying club sides halfway around the world , an inability to bring on big-name sponsors and a failure to maintain relevance outside private schools might seem to have played a role , it is COVID-19 that caused the slow decline of the game , ” said the CEO Raelene Castle .
“ The novel coronavirus has a lot to answer for .
As @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Australians out of work and sickening people across the world , it is entirely responsible for the soul-destroying attrition our game has suffered over the past two decades .
“ The whole thing has come at the worst possible time , that being the period between 1999 and today.
” Controversial former international Israel Folau agreed that the decline was because of coronavirus , and went on to say thatcoronavirus itself was because of Mardi Gras , which was because of drinking on Sundays , which only started after women got the vote @

Rugby Australia has released a statement clarifying Rugby Union’s two decades of decline in this country can be attributed to the novel coronavirus.
“While comparatively low player salaries, chronic mismanagement, regularly flying club sides halfway around the world, an inability to bring on big-name sponsors and a failure to maintain relevance outside private schools might seem to have played a role, it is COVID-19 that caused the slow decline of the game,” said the CEO Raelene Castle.
“The novel coronavirus has a lot to answer for. As well as putting tens of thousands of Australians out of work and sickening people across the world, it is entirely responsible for the soul-destroying attrition our game has suffered over the past two decades.
“The whole thing has come at the worst possible time, that being the period between 1999 and today.”
Controversial former international Israel Folau agreed that the decline was because of coronavirus, and went on to say thatcoronavirus itself was because of Mardi Gras, which was because of drinking on Sundays, which only started after women got the vote.


thechaser--2020-03-30--Prime Minister begs nation not to go out unless it’s for urgent jigsaw puzzles

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today begged Australians to stay in their homes unless their job is essential , which is every Australians job , or also if they just want to pop down to the shops for some board games , which are also essential .
The announcement was made during the Prime Minister ’ s bi-weekly national address on the status of bootcamps , during which he also accidentally mentioned the much less urgent update that all house guests are now banned in between scolding the public for not better understanding the government ’ s cryptic riddles .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ on bootcamps can only have two people attend , unless there is also a wake being held nearby in which case you may have up to ten people but only if they are not about to get married or doing barre , ” explained the PM .
“ This couldn ’ t be clearer guys .
Anyway I have to go , Jenny ’ s being naughty again , oh and also nobody can visit your house now , bye.
” The government has also today announced that police will be roving the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fines to anyone caught not following the rules , or also following the rules , because even the police aren ’ t really sure what people can and can ’ t do at this point .
“ Yea we want to enforce this stuff and put the fear of god into people , so we ’ ve just been going around fining people and hoping they don ’ t question it , ” explained local detective Clive Pugh .
“ Just a few minutes ago I fined a mother and daughter for walking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it illegal ?
Fucked if I know .
But I can assure you they won ’ t be doing it again soon , as soon as they work out what it is that they were doing .
”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today begged Australians to stay in their homes unless their job is essential, which is every Australians job, or also if they just want to pop down to the shops for some board games, which are also essential.
The announcement was made during the Prime Minister’s bi-weekly national address on the status of bootcamps, during which he also accidentally mentioned the much less urgent update that all house guests are now banned in between scolding the public for not better understanding the government’s cryptic riddles. “As I was saying from now on bootcamps can only have two people attend, unless there is also a wake being held nearby in which case you may have up to ten people but only if they are not about to get married or doing barre,” explained the PM. “This couldn’t be clearer guys. Anyway I have to go, Jenny’s being naughty again, oh and also nobody can visit your house now, bye.”
The government has also today announced that police will be roving the streets, handing out random $1000 fines to anyone caught not following the rules, or also following the rules, because even the police aren’t really sure what people can and can’t do at this point. “Yea we want to enforce this stuff and put the fear of god into people, so we’ve just been going around fining people and hoping they don’t question it,” explained local detective Clive Pugh. “Just a few minutes ago I fined a mother and daughter for walking too close to each other. Is it illegal? Fucked if I know. But I can assure you they won’t be doing it again soon, as soon as they work out what it is that they were doing.”


thechaser--2020-03-30--JobKeeper allowance to enable businesses to keep underpaying workers throughout the crisis

Scott Morrison has unveiled a $ 130 billion JobKeeper allowance that is highly targetted at letting him keep his job @ @ @ @ @ .
The JobKeeper allowance would be $ 1500 a fortnight , which is less than @ @ @ @ @ to be paid .
Mr Morrison said it was the perfect amount , because it @ @ @ @ @ keep underpaying their workers , “ just like they normally do.
” The allowance would @ @ @ @ @ who would then pass it on to employees , he said , “ Because bosses @ @ @ @ @ honest when it comes to dispensing wages.
” The package won ’ t be delivered @ @ @ @ @ are going broke now .
There is no joke about this detail .
It ’ @ @ @ @ @ Asked why he couldn ’ t deliver it any sooner , Mr Morrison said that @ @ @ @ @ own bank account , and he had easily enough money to last till May so @ @ @ @ @ too .

Scott Morrison has unveiled a $130 billion JobKeeper allowance that is highly targetted at letting him keep his job after this crisis is over.
The JobKeeper allowance would be $1500 a fortnight, which is less than what most people are supposed to be paid. Mr Morrison said it was the perfect amount, because it would allow Australian businesses to keep underpaying their workers, “just like they normally do.”
The allowance would be paid to employers, who would then pass it on to employees, he said, “Because bosses in Australia are always so honest when it comes to dispensing wages.”
The package won’t be delivered until May even though people are going broke now. There is no joke about this detail. It’s really not funny.
Asked why he couldn’t deliver it any sooner, Mr Morrison said that he’d checked his own bank account, and he had easily enough money to last till May so he assumed everyone else did too.


thechaser--2020-03-30--Government stimulus on track to be available in time for the 2120 pandemic

The Government has proudly announced it is on track to deliver its stimulus package in time for the next pandemic in 2120 .
The Government this morning hinted that it would soon announce a plan to start planning a design for the implementation of a roll out of the design of a wage subsidy program for businesses hit by the crisis .
This comes two weeks after Mr Morrison dismissed the idea .
The Treasurer Josh Frydenberg said the cost of the program would be nothing , because , by the time the program had been designed , assessed , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and then announced in one of those meandering press conferences where Scott Morrison confuses everyone , every business in Australia would already be broke .
But Mr Frydenberg said Australia was leading the way in its response .
“ If you look at Norway , NZ , the US , Singapore , we ’ re better than all of them in our ability to fail to deliver on our promises .
If you think about it , every other country has failed at failing to deliver.
” “ Our economic stimulus plan is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but bigger , ” he added .
But the Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese warned that at the pace they ’ re going , the government will be lucky to even meet the 2120 deadline .
“ The government should put aside plans for the 2120 pandemic , and instead concentrate on the 2220 pandemic.
” Officials said that so far the government has announced well over $ 80 billion worth of measures to save the Australian economy , but it had only dispensed $ 2.50 of it , and that was on a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Parliament House that Angus Taylor bought on the Federal Government ’ s Mastercard .

Government stimulus on track to be available in time for the 2120 pandemic
The Government has proudly announced it is on track to deliver its stimulus package in time for the next pandemic in 2120.
The Government this morning hinted that it would soon announce a plan to start planning a design for the implementation of a roll out of the design of a wage subsidy program for businesses hit by the crisis. This comes two weeks after Mr Morrison dismissed the idea.
The Treasurer Josh Frydenberg said the cost of the program would be nothing, because, by the time the program had been designed, assessed, critiqued, discussed, dismissed again, and then announced in one of those meandering press conferences where Scott Morrison confuses everyone, every business in Australia would already be broke.
But Mr Frydenberg said Australia was leading the way in its response. “If you look at Norway, NZ, the US, Singapore, we’re better than all of them in our ability to fail to deliver on our promises. If you think about it, every other country has failed at failing to deliver.”
“Our economic stimulus plan is exactly like the bushfire recovery program, but bigger,” he added.
But the Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese warned that at the pace they’re going, the government will be lucky to even meet the 2120 deadline. “The government should put aside plans for the 2120 pandemic, and instead concentrate on the 2220 pandemic.”
Officials said that so far the government has announced well over $80 billion worth of measures to save the Australian economy, but it had only dispensed $2.50 of it, and that was on a Picnic bar from the coffee stand at Parliament House that Angus Taylor bought on the Federal Government’s Mastercard.


thechaser--2020-03-29--NSW bans House Party app after fun in Sydney moves online

NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian has moved to ban the video chat app House Party , after it was discovered that @ @ @ @ @ it to enjoy themselves .
“ We ’ ve had reports of people laughing , @ @ @ @ @ app at all hours .
I would remind people socialising online that they are still @ @ @ @ @ sort of behaviour is not tolerated.
” The NSW Government is now looking at a @ @ @ @ @ would require people drinking at home to pour their beer into plastic glasses after 10pm @ @ @ @ @ people to lock themselves out of their own homes .
Revellers at home determined to @ @ @ @ @ be required call last drinks on themselves at 2:45am and then drink four shots in @ @ @ @ @ as NSW police announced they were looking into new ways to violate people ’ s @ @ @ @ @ ’ t illegally strip-searched a minor in months .
I mean — if I can @ @ @ @ @ why am I even in the NSW police .
”

NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian has moved to ban the video chat app House Party, after it was discovered that people in Sydney were using it to enjoy themselves.
“We’ve had reports of people laughing, dancing and drinking on the app at all hours. I would remind people socialising online that they are still in Sydney, and that sort of behaviour is not tolerated.”
The NSW Government is now looking at a further series of measures that would require people drinking at home to pour their beer into plastic glasses after 10pm, and potentially even require people to lock themselves out of their own homes. Revellers at home determined to stay up late will now be required call last drinks on themselves at 2:45am and then drink four shots in quick succession.
It comes as NSW police announced they were looking into new ways to violate people’s privacy. “I haven’t illegally strip-searched a minor in months. I mean — if I can’t do that, why am I even in the NSW police.”


thechaser--2020-03-29--Morrison double-checks that eviction ban covers Kirribilli House

The government has announced a sweeping moratorium on evictions for all tenants , outlawing evictions for the next six months @ @ @ @ @ welcomed by tenants-rights activists and other people who have a tenuous grip on their place @ @ @ @ @ Scott Morrison .
Before announcing the ban yesterday , Scott Morrison double-checked , and then @ @ @ @ @ to his tenancy of Kirribilli House .
“ Just so we ’ re absolutely clear @ @ @ @ @ lawyer drafting the legislation , “ this includes all residences , doesn ’ t it @ @ @ @ @ you ’ re fired for incompetence ?
” The lawyers assured him it was to @ @ @ @ @ who was initially against the moratorium , quickly came around to the idea .
The @ @ @ @ @ is being threatened with eviction should tell their landlord to get fucked .

The government has announced a sweeping moratorium on evictions for all tenants, outlawing evictions for the next six months.
The ban has been welcomed by tenants-rights activists and other people who have a tenuous grip on their place of residence, such as Scott Morrison.
Before announcing the ban yesterday, Scott Morrison double-checked, and then triple-checked that the ban extended to his tenancy of Kirribilli House.
“Just so we’re absolutely clear,” he asked the lawyer drafting the legislation, “this includes all residences, doesn’t it? Like, even if you’re fired for incompetence?” The lawyers assured him it was to universally apply. Morrison, who was initially against the moratorium, quickly came around to the idea.
The Chaser advises that anyone who is being threatened with eviction should tell their landlord to get fucked.


thechaser--2020-03-29--PM denies extra assistance to renters, claiming he’s “tough on boarders”

The Government has ruled out any special rental assistance to people struggling to pay their rent , after Mr Morrison @ @ @ @ @ ’ s policy to be “ tough on borders ” was actually about being “ @ @ @ @ @ The shift follows the decision to allow 293 infected passengers to walk off the Ruby @ @ @ @ @ community with no medical checks .
Insiders say the Government is beginning to suspect letting @ @ @ @ @ a bad idea .
To deflect attention , the Government has instead decided to get @ @ @ @ @ was made after a full meeting of the Liberal party room , all of whom @ @ @ @ @ said nobody in the room knew anyone who rented , and so the whole decision @ @ @ @ @ .
“ We simply can ’ t afford rental assistance .
We have to pay @ @ @ @ @ ”

The Government has ruled out any special rental assistance to people struggling to pay their rent, after Mr Morrison clarified that the Liberal Party’s policy to be “tough on borders” was actually about being “tough on boarders”.
The shift follows the decision to allow 293 infected passengers to walk off the Ruby Princess cruise liner into the community with no medical checks. Insiders say the Government is beginning to suspect letting the infected passengers loose was a bad idea.
To deflect attention, the Government has instead decided to get tough on boarders. It was made after a full meeting of the Liberal party room, all of whom are landlords. Mr Morrison said nobody in the room knew anyone who rented, and so the whole decision was very easy to make.
“We simply can’t afford rental assistance. We have to pay for negative gearing somehow.”


thechaser--2020-03-28--Dickhead uses Twitter thread to outline harrowing account of what it’s like to not have Covid-19

A total dickhead has taken to Twitter to outline in harrowing detail what it ’ s like to be a dickhead who doesn ’ t have Covid-19 .
The thread is a cautionary tale for people who might be thinking that being a dickhead isn ’ t such a bad thing .
The account steps through an account of each day of his ordeal .
“ Day One : I woke up with a thumping headache .
Might have something to do with the bottle of Bundy rum I drank last night , ” it begins .
“ Day Two @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I am incredibly unfit , ” it continues .
“ Day Three : Listlessness .
Decided to go to the beach .
The sign said it was closed so I just climbed over the fence .
Suffered another bout of incredible shortness of breath .
Probably because a guy from the council kept chasing me.
” By day four , things took a turn for the worse .
“ Day Four : I couldn ’ t keep anyting down .
Vomiting constantly .
I probably shouldn ’ t haven ’ t have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back of the fridge last night.
” By day five , the dickhead realises that something might be wrong , and he goes for a test , but the test comes back negative .
“ Day Five : I can ’ t believe the test came back negative !
It was one of those online IQ tests and it says I have a negative IQ !
WTF ?
!
” “ Day Six : I have never been this sick in my life .
I went for a drive and the streets were @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the freeway .
Sick !
” “ Day Seven : Can hardly move .
But that ’ s mainly because my entire house is stacked full of packs of toilet paper.
” By day eight , the dickhead ’ s condition starts improving .
“ Day 8 : I have my appetite back .
I have been eating huge quantities of food , especially salty and sugary snack foods .
Mind you , that ’ s how I normally eat.
” The thread concludes with a heartwarming statement that provides a sage @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dickhead too lightly .
“ Being someone like me is a lonely experience .
You ’ re just surrounded by morons who tell you what to do ‘ because it ’ ll save lives ’ .
Gees — talk about kill joys.
” The government has issued guidelines requesting that all dickheads self-isolate for the rest of their lives .

Dickhead uses Twitter thread to outline harrowing account of what it’s like to not have Covid-19
A total dickhead has taken to Twitter to outline in harrowing detail what it’s like to be a dickhead who doesn’t have Covid-19. The thread is a cautionary tale for people who might be thinking that being a dickhead isn’t such a bad thing.
The account steps through an account of each day of his ordeal.
“Day One: I woke up with a thumping headache. Might have something to do with the bottle of Bundy rum I drank last night,” it begins.
“Day Two: Shortness of breath. Mind you, I am incredibly unfit,” it continues.
“Day Three: Listlessness. Decided to go to the beach. The sign said it was closed so I just climbed over the fence. Suffered another bout of incredible shortness of breath. Probably because a guy from the council kept chasing me.”
By day four, things took a turn for the worse. “Day Four: I couldn’t keep anyting down. Vomiting constantly. I probably shouldn’t haven’t have eaten that left-over Indian takeaway from the back of the fridge last night.”
By day five, the dickhead realises that something might be wrong, and he goes for a test, but the test comes back negative. “Day Five: I can’t believe the test came back negative! It was one of those online IQ tests and it says I have a negative IQ! WTF?!”
“Day Six: I have never been this sick in my life. I went for a drive and the streets were empty so I did some sick burns on the freeway. Sick!”
“Day Seven: Can hardly move. But that’s mainly because my entire house is stacked full of packs of toilet paper.”
By day eight, the dickhead’s condition starts improving. “Day 8: I have my appetite back. I have been eating huge quantities of food, especially salty and sugary snack foods. Mind you, that’s how I normally eat.”
The thread concludes with a heartwarming statement that provides a sage warning for anyone who takes being a dickhead too lightly. “Being someone like me is a lonely experience. You’re just surrounded by morons who tell you what to do ‘because it’ll save lives’. Gees — talk about kill joys.”
The government has issued guidelines requesting that all dickheads self-isolate for the rest of their lives.