thechaser--2020-04-23--People in lockdown limiting drinking to seventeen days per week

Following a study last week showing parents were limiting screen time to one hour per hour , a new study @ @ @ @ @ people in lockdown are strictly limiting their drinking to just seventeen days per week .
@ @ @ @ @ surprise to absolutely nobody .
The figures show that on average , people are drinking @ @ @ @ @ which means , statistically , that some people are now drinking up to 25 days @ @ @ @ @ While health experts acknowledged that lockdown is a unique event that makes drinking every night @ @ @ @ @ they ’ re too drunk to worry about the long-term health implications .
Doctors say @ @ @ @ @ it is important to take a break from drinking wine or beer every night , @ @ @ @ @ with spirits , RTDs and the occasional batch of moonshine .

Following a study last week showing parents were limiting screen time to one hour per hour, a new study has been released that reveals people in lockdown are strictly limiting their drinking to just seventeen days per week. The findings come as a surprise to absolutely nobody.
The figures show that on average, people are drinking 17.1 days per week, which means, statistically, that some people are now drinking up to 25 days out of every seven.
While health experts acknowledged that lockdown is a unique event that makes drinking every night understandable, they warn that they’re too drunk to worry about the long-term health implications.
Doctors say that even during lockdown, it is important to take a break from drinking wine or beer every night, and instead mix it up with spirits, RTDs and the occasional batch of moonshine.


thechaser--2020-04-23--Andrew Bolt weighing elderly neighbour’s life against joy of eat-in McFlurry

Andrew Bolt has spent the week weighing up an old man ’ s life against the pleasure of being able to sit down while eating a McFlurry at McDonalds .
While the fast food chain currently operates delivery and take-away under strict lockdown conditions , customers have not been able to eat in for almost a month .
The new dilemma comes after Mr Bolt decided earlier in the week that playing golf was more important than his neighbour ’ s life .
Sources close to Mr Bolt have confirmed that he is genuinely torn between the balance of preserving @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with access to a proper sit-down fast food experience .
They indicated Bolt was currently placing an equal value on the 90-year-old former teacher and the joy of sitting down in-store to eat a McFlurry , but he could swing either way .
Mr Bolt said “ At some point you have to look at the damage caused by a continued slowdown of the economy .
While we need to avoid deaths from coronavirus we also need to avoid the bad things about lockdown – isolation , closed golf courses , and a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that you can eat in the comfort of a McDonald ’ s restaurant.
” “ Takeaway ’ s not the same because the colours bleed from the M & Ms and it gets to you half melted .
It ’ s bullshit , ” he said .

Andrew Bolt has spent the week weighing up an old man’s life against the pleasure of being able to sit down while eating a McFlurry at McDonalds. While the fast food chain currently operates delivery and take-away under strict lockdown conditions, customers have not been able to eat in for almost a month.
The new dilemma comes after Mr Bolt decided earlier in the week that playing golf was more important than his neighbour’s life.
Sources close to Mr Bolt have confirmed that he is genuinely torn between the balance of preserving the life of his elderly neighbour, with access to a proper sit-down fast food experience. They indicated Bolt was currently placing an equal value on the 90-year-old former teacher and the joy of sitting down in-store to eat a McFlurry, but he could swing either way.
Mr Bolt said “At some point you have to look at the damage caused by a continued slowdown of the economy. While we need to avoid deaths from coronavirus we also need to avoid the bad things about lockdown – isolation, closed golf courses, and a lack of access to a fresh McFlurry that you can eat in the comfort of a McDonald’s restaurant.”
“Takeaway’s not the same because the colours bleed from the M&Ms and it gets to you half melted. It’s bullshit,” he said.


thechaser--2020-04-24--The Chaser Report – Episode 2 – Home Schoolies Week

Charles , Dom and Andrew lament the collapse of Virgin Australia , while Dom tries to figure out what the world is going to do with all its spare oil .
Andrew takes a look at how one American preacher is dealing with the virus , also , with kids heading back for another term of homeschooling , we give you our top tips in how to make homeschool as unbearable as real school .
Plus regular updates from Bec De Unamuno in the Chaser Newsroom delivering all the news you know you can ’ t trust .
Stream above @ @ @ @ @ @ @ subscribe to it wherever you get your podcasts .
Rebecca De Unamuno : In times like these it ’ s important to know who you can trust .
At last , a new source that ’ s reliably reliable , informatively informational and never wrong .
Unfortunately you ’ re not listening to it .
Instead you ’ re listening to the Chaser Report .
Charles Firth : Hello .
Welcome to another episode of the Chaser Report .
News you can ’ t trust .
I ’ m Charles Firth and joining @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Knight .
Dom , what a big week .
I mean it ’ s the biggest week we ’ ve had since , I don ’ t know , last week .
Virgin collapsed this week .
Petrol prices collapsed .
But Dom , what are you going to miss most about Virgin being gone ?
Dom Knight : I really value the choice Charles , with Virgin .
If I don ’ t feel like flying Qantas , I have the option to pay just as much for a worse experience with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ good .
Andrew , do you have any thoughts about the Virgin collapse ?
Andrew Hansen : Yeah .
Charles .
Look , I will miss Virgin .
What ’ s what I miss ?
So I guess , I ’ m going to miss the chance to use my points to buy a third of a toaster .
Dom Knight : I mean , for me , I still think of it as Virgin Blue .
Back in those early days , it really blew .
Charles Firth : It really did @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s going to look at American preachers who think the coronavirus is nothing to worry about .
Dom ’ s going to , well , I mean he ’ s , he ’ s an expert in all things zero , so he ’ s looking at what it means when the oil price goes below $ 0 a barrel .
But first , let ’ s check in with Rebecca De Unamuno who ’ s got the latest Chaser news headlines .
Rebecca De Unamuno : Virgin has finally been fucked .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ got fucked on the weekend and since it was its first time , it simply didn ’ t know to use protection against a virus .
Former prime minister Malcolm Turnbull , has released a book about his time in politics without any spine whatsoever .
The memoir features a front and back cover , pages on the inside , but no spine .
Critics noted the book falls apart remarkably quickly .
Each book comes with a free knife firmly planted in the back cover , signed by Mathias Cormann .
Mr @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he ’ s waiting for the email to arrive on his MBN connection .
A new study out today shows parents are limiting the screen time for their kids to just one hour every 60 minutes .
The figures come after official government guidelines were updated to recommend that parents do whatever it takes to keep the little fuckers quiet .
Rebecca De Unamuno : Experts say , although one hour per hour is the norm , it is still important to make sure children take a break from computer screens by mixing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as television or another computer , at least once a day .
A local shopper has expressed outrage after turning up to his local Bunnings to discover the shop packed with people .
The man posted a lengthy rant to Facebook in which he pointed out the entire nation is supposed to be in lockdown and only he was the one exempt from the rules .
That ’ s the Chaser of report headlines , news you can ’ t trust .
Charles Firth : Thanks Beck .
Hey Beck , did you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are now useless ?
Rebecca De Unamuno : No , I was smart .
I saw the collapse coming , so I traded all my points in for a $ 30 gift voucher to Brashers .
Charles Firth : Oh , well that ’ s very clever .
Rebecca De Unamuno : The Chaser Report .
Less news , less often .
Richard Branson : This week ’ s Chaser Report is proudly sponsored by me , Richard Branson .
You may have heard that my airline Virgin has recently lost its virginity @ @ @ @ @ @ @ raising money like never before .
I ’ ve begged several governments to refund all $ 0 of my tax .
I ’ ve mortgaged my private island , although we can ’ t hold open house inspections , so domain has reduced the asking price a bit .
Like many comedians at this difficult time , Virgin ’ s humorous inflight announcements are now being streamed online for your at-home enjoyment .
They ’ re very amusing .
And most importantly , for our valued frequent flyers , rest assured your points @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nearest Virgin Megastore .
Rebecca De Unamuno : The Chaser Report , news a few days after it happens .
Dom Knight : Look , huge news in the oil industry this week .
Prices have fallen much further than I thought was even possible .
Richard Branson : The price for a barrel of West Texas crude turned negative for the first time ever .
Ending the day at a jaw dropping minus $ 37.63 cents a barrel .
Meaning sellers were willing to pay buyers to have it taken off their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ So if you can find anyone to buy oil right now , guys , you ’ ll actually get paid for it .
It ’ s probably the best job opportunity available .
Charles Firth : You know what I reckon they should do with it .
And I think some might have already done that .
You know how kombucha tastes really shit ?
I reckon you just market it as a new form of kombucha , like petrol-flavored kombucha .
Everyone go , Oh wow .
Oh yeah .
And you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , it ’ s completely natural .
Comes out of the ground .
Andrew Hansen : Well this is extraordinary .
I mean , who ’ s going to get all this oil though ?
I mean , if it ’ s so undesirable… Why is it so undesirable , oil ?
What ’ s wrong with it ?
What ’ s wrong with it ?
Dom Knight : Well , they ’ ve got far more than they need , so I ’ ve been trying to find people to just take @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a kind of a middle man and I ’ m marketing it as extra Virgin , cold pressed crude .
And I ’ ve managed to sell some to channel nine , they use an awful lot of oil keeping Richard Wilkins lubricated .
Andrew Hansen : I can imagine .
I mean he ’ s awfully dry , isn ’ t he ?
Dom Knight : Everyone ’ s trying to cook at home at the moment , so the people who probably want to make kombucha , but I ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s trying to cook KFC at home .
It ’ s an essential ingredient .
Just dip the chicken in crude and it tastes like the real thing .
Andrew Hansen : It ’ s the 11th secret herb and spice I imagine , crude oil from Saudi Arabia .
Dom Knight : But look , there is a big problem with all this spare oil that ’ s been lying around .
News Reporter : Now storage facilities are almost filled to the brim .
There are concerns the world could run @ @ @ @ @ @ @ supply .
Dom Knight : So where do we put it ?
I mean , I ’ ve stored as much as I can at home .
Every saucepan , cup and jug .
There ’ s no more baths for my daughter .
It ’ s just full of oil and we just need places to store the oil .
I mean I live in a terrace , so the entire ground floor of my terrace is now an oil tank .
We ’ ve got to be very careful about smoking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ local council pool is closed at the moment .
So I was thinking why don ’ t they just drain that and fill it with petrol ?
Dom Knight : I mean it ’ s a good thought , Charles .
Anything that ’ s sort of unused .
I mean I was thinking maybe all the kegs in pubs .
I mean they ’ re not useful at the moment are they ?
I think we should fill them with crude .
Charles Firth : What a brilliant idea .
And then @ @ @ @ @ @ @ go into the pub and they ’ ll just pull the tap and give you some crude .
Andrew Hansen : And I think it ’ d work especially well in Queensland .
I don ’ t think you ’ d be able to tell the difference between that and the Four X anyway when the pubs reopen , you just keep it as is .
Dom Knight : I ’ m wondering if we can get bigger than this .
I ’ m wondering if we can do Sydney Harbor .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it at the moment .
Can ’ t go sailing or anything really .
Imagine how exciting Vivid would be with the lights reflecting off all of that oil ?
Andrew Hansen : I think there ’ s a problem , Dommy , though that if you did that , that the Harbor would end up much cleaner than it currently is .
Dom Knight : That ’ s totally true .
But look , there are lots of options here .
You can make a lot of money just by buying oil @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can .
The only problem is , as soon as they heard I was building an oil stock pile , the US invaded me .
Charles Firth : But I actually reckon this whole thing is bullshit .
I reckon , because they said it went into negative territory and that they ’ d pay you to take it off it ’ s hands .
But then I went to my local survo the other day and it ’ s just bullshit , didn ’ t happen at all .
Charles Firth : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , less than $ 0 .
So if I fill up my tank , will you give me money ?
Petrol Station Manager : I ’ m not sure I can do that .
Charles Firth : But I ’ ll take 40 liters of petrol off your hand .
Can you make me an offer , like say 20 bucks or something ?
Petrol Station Manager : No , I can ’ t do that at the moment .
I ’ m really sorry .
Whatever the pricing comes from my head @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my pricing at the store .
Andrew Hansen : But I love how he blames head office for the fact that he doesn ’ t want to pay us to take away his petrol .
Rebecca De Unamuno : The Chaser Report , news you know you can ’ t trust .
Andrew Hansen : Now of course , Dommy and Charles , during this rather difficult time , we need to turn to people for a bit of help and it might be celebrities .
I quite like opening up Facebook and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ calm us down .
But understandably a lot of people are also turning to religion and I had a bit of a scout around online to find the most encouraging sort of religious sermon that I could find on the subject of the COVID pandemic .
And I ’ d like to share that with you guys right now .
Just to get… Sort of , as a public service , I suppose more than anything .
Andrew Hansen : Now , there ’ s an American pastor , he ’ s an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Copeland .
Now , I don ’ t know if you ’ ve checked out any of Kenneth ’ s shows , but , well , he made a prediction actually .
He ’ s an interesting guy because he made this prediction back when COVID-19 first became a problem .
And he decided to share that prediction with his congregation and his YouTube followers .
Now , luckily what happened was God spoke to Kenneth Copeland at exactly 9:24 in the evening and he gave Kenneth some very good news , although @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what the name of the COVID-19 illness actually is .
Kenneth Copeland : Suddenly the word of the Lord came to me , so I jumped up , ran , got my note pad and wrote it down .
9:24 .
This disease called CODV 19 will be over much sooner than you think .
Andrew Hansen : So there ’ s a bit of good news .
If you ’ re worried about CODV 19 then that particular disease .
Dom Knight : If you ’ ve got COVID , you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ very good news .
Andrew Hansen : That ’ s right .
And so I hope you feel reassured by that .
Anyway .
Look , eventually both God and Kenneth figured out the name of the virus .
Or is it a virus ?
I mean , in Kenneth ’ s mind , this virus is actually a bit more evil than you might have initially thought .
Kenneth Copeland : In the name of Jesus .
Thank you Jesus .
Standing in the office of the prophet of God .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ execute judgment on you , Satan .
You destroyer .
You killer .
Andrew Hansen : So this is interesting to me because that ’ s what the virus is .
It ’ s Satan .
That ’ s what we ’ re up against .
No wonder they ’ re having difficulty curing the damn thing .
Charles Firth : Why aren ’ t the scientists following up on this and working out how to get rid of Satan ?
Andrew Hansen : Well , this is the thing .
Well , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Charles , because fortunately Kenneth has become rather cross at Satan/virus and he ’ s not afraid to boss this naughty virus around himself .
Take a listen .
Kenneth Copeland : You come down from your place of authority , destroyer .
You come down and you crawl on your belly like God commanded you when he Andrew Hansen : Now question for you Charles and Dom , like God commanded you when he did what to Satan ?
Dom Knight : I mean , what I ’ m thinking of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Jesus turned water into wine .
I think he ’ s had a lot of special water lately .
Charles Firth : It sounds like the time that Jesus turned Satan into the human centipede , maybe .
Andrew Hansen : It ’ s not a bad guess .
They ’ re both quite good guesses .
Charles Firth : Is that in the Bible ?
Andrew Hansen : It might be in the Apocrypha .
Dom Knight : Right next to Sodom , I think .
Andrew Hansen : Let ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Satan .
Kenneth Copeland : Like God commanded you when he put his foot on your head .
Andrew Hansen : Apparently that ’ s what he did .
So maybe that ’ s the solution to the virus .
We just stand on it ’ s head .
I guess .
Dom Knight : Well , I guess you could make the virus go away with shouting [ inaudible 00:12:26 ] we ’ d be fine .
Andrew Hansen : We ’ d be good .
Look , he ’ s not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you say shouting , but pastor Kenneth Copeland is not always so brusque .
He actually had a very polite request to make of this virus .
It goes like this .
Kenneth Copeland : You get out , you break your power .
You get off this nation .
I demand judgment on you .
I demand , I demand , I demand .
Andrew Hansen : Now a question .
Apropos of demanding , what does pastor Kenneth Copeland demand ?
Charles Firth : Exactly .
Methamphetamine isn ’ t it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s the last , those three digits on the back of your credit card number .
Isn ’ t that what they usually demand ?
Andrew Hansen : At the end of the day .
Well okay , let ’ s reveal the answer .
I can reveal what does Kenneth Copeland demand ?
Andrew Hansen : I ’ m astonished that that guy believes in vaccines .
Dom Knight : It ’ s the most unbelievable part of his whole sermon .
Andrew Hansen : There ’ s a first time for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
But good news .
He ’ s demanded it immediately .
I mean because we keep getting told don ’ t we , that we ’ re going to have to wait 12 months at least or whatever .
No , he ’ s demanding it immediately .
He ’ s gone further than that .
He ’ s actually declared the entire pandemic over .
Although unfortunately he only remembered to get a vaccination for one country .
Kenneth Copeland : It is over and the United States of America is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s great news .
And you heard it here first .
Dom Knight : What a pity they ’ ve put the integration ban in .
Rebecca De Unamuno : Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence .
This is the Chaser Report .
Richard Branson : This week ’ s Chaser Report is proudly sponsored by me , Richard Branson .
It ’ s halfway through the episode .
So would you like to buy a copy of my autobiography ?
No ?
What about a private island then ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ to school this week in Queensland and they ’ ve already been back for a week in Victoria .
And in New South Wales they ’ re heading back to school next week .
I don ’ t know about the rest of the States but I don ’ t about them anyway .
Point is , I thought it would be a good time to just give parents some homeschooling tips .
Because I ’ ve got two kids , I ’ ve got a nine year old and 11 year old @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ve been running a fairly tight ship with my homeschool in the last sort of four or five weeks and I ’ ve got a bit of knowledge to pass on .
So first one is , it ’ s really important to sort of set up a really rigid routine and have a bit of discipline .
And I think one way to signal that is you should make them get dressed into their school uniform every day .
Andrew Hansen : No , you don ’ t do that , do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ no , I do .
Yep .
Yep .
And people do mock me for it .
People sort of say that ’ s a stupid thing , but it does work because the kids hate you so much for making them do that , that it ’ s just got that school vibe from the very beginning of the day .
But they really just hate you .
Andrew Hansen : Do you insist on the school shoes as well ?
Do you do a shoe inspection to make sure they ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Yes .
And they ’ ve got to have their socks up to their knees and everything like that .
Andrew Hansen : What about ties ?
Do you have posh private school kids , Charles ?
Do they were ties ?
Charles Firth : No , we go to public schools , but no I get them to wear a tie definitely .
Charles Firth : Exactly .
But and I , too , get dressed up as well , as a teacher .
Unfortunately the only teacher ’ s outfit @ @ @ @ @ @ @ teachers outfits that I got from my wife last Halloween .
Charles Firth : Yeah , it ’ s a sort of Catholic vibe to the whole school .
Very weird .
Andrew Hansen : Well you want to replicate the real experience , I suppose , don ’ t you ?
Charles Firth : Yeah , no , exactly .
Exactly .
Prepare them for the real world .
And so I just wanted to also go through a few tips on various subjects .
So the first thing is maths , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ got to do , you ’ ve got to trust yourself on this one .
The answers , I can tell you now , the answers in the back of the maths books are just always wrong .
They are universally wrong .
I don ’ t know why they put them in there , but they are never correct .
Andrew Hansen : You sure about this Charles ?
Charles Firth : I ’ m pretty sure .
Especially on things like subtraction , stuff like that .
They just never get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ weird .
I mean , unless you use the calculator on the computer , then suddenly the answers seem to be right , but I ’ m pretty sure that they ’ ve got it wrong .
Dom Knight : I ’ m confident that your kids are getting lots of practice adding up daddy ’ s day drinks .
Charles Firth : That is true .
That ’ s why you have three breaks a day , you have your crunch and sip at 10:00 AM .
You have recess at 11:00 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at 12:30 .
And they are all great opportunities to go and get a glass of wine .
Andrew Hansen : Sorry , did you call one of them crunch and sip ?
Andrew Hansen : What the hell is crunch and sip ?
That ’ s a made up break .
That ’ s not a school break .
Andrew Hansen : We didn ’ t have that .
[ crosstalk 00:17:59 ] .
Charles Firth : No , that ’ s because they found out… This is true .
They found @ @ @ @ @ @ @ having not eaten breakfast and so everyone was really hungry at 10:00 AM and it makes them concentrate .
Andrew Hansen : And they called it crunch and sip ?
It should be called brunch .
Crunch and sip is not a meal .
Charles Firth : And they should hand out smashed avocado .
Charles Firth : Is that what goes on at your school , your local school ?
Andrew Hansen : Well I live in Melbourne Charles , so yes , we have very sophisticated school brunches , thanks .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ has a single origin short black as well .
Andrew Hansen : They do .
They do .
Dom Knight : There ’ s a barista in every public school in Melbourne .
Andrew Hansen : Of course there is .
Charles Firth : English is another area which , I must say , has changed a lot since our days because they don ’ t teach kids how to spell anymore .
They don ’ t know how to spell anything really .
And I know this because I did a spelling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and I asked them to spell anymore or anything and they can ’ t spell either of them .
Dom Knight : So they can ’ t literally spell anything .
Charles Firth : Hartley , my 11 year old spelled it with an E. E-N-Y .
Dom Knight : He can ’ t spell anything that kid .
Dom Knight : So this isn ’ t so much of a joke .
It ’ s just you shaming your child on a podcast .
Charles Firth : I ’ m really hoping @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but I should go through some of the technology as well .
If you live in New South Wales , the department of education here uses Google Classroom as their way of interacting .
And that is an amazing technology .
What it does is , at the beginning of the day , you get to see all the assignments that your son has been set for the day .
So it really reinforces your lack of achievement at getting your kids to do anything during the day .
Dom Knight : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s constant surveillance of all of us is actually being put to a good use during this period .
Charles Firth : It ’ s great .
The kids love it .
They ’ re real fans of Google Classroom .
And then we ’ ve got Behind the News .
Do you know Behind the News still exists ?
Andrew Hansen : It does not .
Dom Knight : Is Richard Morecroft still hosting it ?
Charles Firth : I ’ d pop out for a wine whenever it comes on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to watch it .
It ’ s 25 minutes long .
It ’ s a fantastic resource .
Although I think it ’ s actually turned into a bit of a Fox news thing , because last week… This is absolutely true .
I said , “ What did you learn from Behind the News ?
” And they went , “ Well immigrants come here and cost the government lots of money.
” It was one of the talking points .
And then they said , “ And coal power plants employ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Is this Behind the Sky News ?
Charles Firth : Yeah , that ’ s really the Sky news .
But that ’ s the Andrew Bolt version of Behind the News .
The other sort of weird tech thing is , you ’ d think that the one advantage of homeschooling is that the kids can ’ t chat amongst each other in the classroom .
You have full attention by your kids .
The other day .
So there ’ s this chat app called Discord that is used for video @ @ @ @ @ @ @ other day I caught my 11 year old and what he ’ d done is there ’ s a setting on Discord which means that you can hide that the app ’ s on .
And he ’ d set up a chat with the guy who he sits next to at school , and he was just chatting to him without my knowledge .
Was supposed to be working .
I mean what a bloody genius .
Andrew Hansen : At least he ’ s learned something .
Charles Firth : Yeah @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him how much he ’ d been doing that with his friend , Jarvis .
Charles Firth : How often do you speak to Jarvis using Discord while you ’ re supposed to be working at homeschool ?
I ’ d rather not answer that .
Charles Firth : Anyway .
So homeschooling is basically a horrible experience , but it is an opportunity to spend time with your kids .
And remember that is time you ’ ll never get back .
But I think my kids do like it .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about 25 hours a week doing it , each and every week , putting in a huge effort .
So I thought I should do a bit of a survey of the kids .
Because it ’ s always nice to get some good feedback from them .
Rebecca De Unamuno : The Chaser Report .
Now with extra whispers .
Dom Knight : Yes .
Let ’ s catch up on some of the world ’ s most important news stories , Charles and Andrew .
Firstly , what wonderful news from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ monster has surfaced for it ’ s second official sighting this year .
Why do you think Nessie ’ s suddenly turning up during COVID ?
Andrew Hansen : Oh , is she ?
Don ’ t tell me there ’ s a Glasgow wet markets selling Nessie meat ?
Dom Knight : Is that what ’ s going on ?
We ’ ve got enough Coronas .
Charles Firth : I actually think I know the reason why and it ’ s because , with lockdown , everyone ’ s drinking more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ see the Loch Ness monster , isn ’ t that the only reason it ’ s sighted ?
Andrew Hansen : What are you talking about Charles ?
This is Scotland you ’ re talking about Charles .
They already drink 365 days a year .
They can ’ t drink more .
Charles Firth : It ’ s actually the only place in the world where there ’ s less drinking during lockdown .
Dom Knight : So I mean , given that Nessie ’ s here , who else could show @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ d like to see re-appearing ?
Andrew Hansen : That ’ s a good question , Dommy .
I mean I think we ’ re going to need some dragons .
Now that Virgin airlines has collapsed .
A very affordable way to fly .
Charles Firth : Yeah .
And I was thinking it ’ d be good to have Batman , because bats have such a bad reputation because the virus came from and everything like that .
Maybe Batman should make an appearance and sort of revive the reputation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ d steer well clear of Batman at this point , wouldn ’ t you ?
I mean if he showed up he would not be welcome .
Charles Firth : Especially if Pangolin Man showed up .
That ’ d be terrible .
Andrew Hansen : You don ’ t want him .
You don ’ t want a visit from him .
Dom Knight : Now heading to Canada where helpful tip from an Ontario waste company .
They ’ ve reminded residents not to recycle swords .
Someone put a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it jammed the machinery .
Do you think that ’ s unfair ?
Should recyclers be forced to take our spare weapons ?
Charles Firth : Yes .
Yes .
And this is a huge problem .
I ’ ve actually been in a fight with council for months because they refuse to recycle my trebuchet , that I have .
Andrew Hansen : Oh dear .
Look , this does sound bad to me Dommy .
I mean , look , I think if people are just going to throw swords into @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to end up in the ocean and get mistaken for a swordfish .
I mean that ’ ll be very confusing for Marine life .
Dom Knight : What would you suggest people do with their spare weapons if they don ’ t want to put them in the council bins ?
Charles Firth : Well if they ’ ve got a sword , surely you should use it as a bottle opener .
So every time you have a Methuselah of champagne , you just whack the sword across the neck and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I think a suit of armor would be very useful for social distancing at this point in time .
And finally speaking of things you can wear , let ’ s head to Florida .
Here is a report from CBS in Miami .
News Reporter : Broward circuit judge Dennis Bailey says he had one male lawyer who appeared shirtless , then a female attorney appeared to be still in bed and under the covers .
Dom Knight : Yes , lawyers are turning up to their Zoom court without dressing properly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dress standards in Zoom court ?
Andrew Hansen : No .
No , that ’ s fine .
No .
I ’ d go further .
I actually wouldn ’ t mind seeing some Snapchat filters on lawyers in court .
I reckon it ’ d be fun to be defended by a lawyer with a cat ’ s face or a lawyer who ’ s made to look like a baby .
Dom Knight : Or a snake , which they look like anyway .
Andrew Hansen : Or a snake .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ wouldn ’ t mind seeing an accused murderer with a filter to make him look like a unicorn or something .
I think that would make court cases a lot more fun .
Charles Firth : I disagree with Andrew on this one because I think courts are actually , they have to be respected .
I mean ever since the George Pill verdict I ’ ve just held the high court in such high esteem here .
And I think you ’ ve got to treat them with that sort of respect @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it .
Andrew Hansen : We wouldn ’ t have wanted Pill to appear on a Zoom meeting in bed .
It may have provided an extra piece of evidence .
Dom Knight : Not guilty , allegedly .
But look , how do you think this compares ?
The people turning up naked to court in Florida ?
How does it compare to the rule here ?
Is it more or less ridiculous than our , all the barristers have to have a clump of white horse hair on their heads to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Oh is that horse hair ?
I thought that that was bed hair .
Andrew Hansen : As long as they ’ re not wearing a bat on their head , I feel safe .
Rebecca De Unamuno : None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice .
The Chaser Report .
Richard Branson : Hi , I ’ m Richard Branson and I ’ m proud to sponsor the Virgin Report .
Sure , they call it the Chaser Report , but you can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t virgins .
Charles Firth : So we ’ re coming up to the end of the show , but we do have some breaking news from Rebecca De Unamuno in the newsroom .
Rebecca De Unamuno : Yes guys , news just in .
More bad news after Rupert Murdoch ’ s News Corp announced it had been hit hard by the Corona virus and that it would consider laying off some coalition MPs and may even have to sell off some of the MPs it owns .
Charles Firth : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the end of the show .
Check us out online at chaser.com.au .
Find us on Twitter at Chaser and on Instagram at Chaserwar .
Search for the Chaser Report and make sure you hit the subscribe button to make sure you get reminded each time we drop an ep and then you can choose to ignore it .
Now we do understand that a lot of people out there are suffering at this time .
A lot of people in the entertainment industry without a job , good high profile people really @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we ’ d like to thank our production staff here today .
To our runner , Cate Blanchett .
To our production assistant , Russell Crowe .
And the wonderful catering from George Calombaris and I hope that George understands why his paycheck didn ’ t include all the hours he ’ s worked .
It ’ s my bad , it ’ s a total mix up and I ’ m sure I ’ ll fix it up next time .
Anyway , we ’ ll leave you with a promo for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Studios has been working on for some time .
Check it out .
Loud American Man : I don ’ t know , I just , I don ’ t know about this .
I thought I used to know and now I don ’ t know .
I have a whole different approach .
I mean it ’ s really changed my thinking on this .
Loud American Woman : Yeah , I know what you mean .
Loud American Man : So anyway , we ’ ve got a short show @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hours of me telling you all about something and now let me tell you , I have it all worked out now .
I have all the answers on this thing .
Loud American Man : Now the thing about this thing and you need to understand this .
If you really want to understand this thing… Loud American Man : Anyway , now , well , let me get to this thing .
Loud American Woman : Yeah , get on with it , Pete .
Voice Over Guy : The only @ @ @ @ @ @ @ interviews anyone .
Loud American who likes the sound of his voice with a woman who just agrees with him podcast .
Out now .
Just search for any podcast and you ’ ll probably find one that sounds exactly like it .

Charles, Dom and Andrew lament the collapse of Virgin Australia, while Dom tries to figure out what the world is going to do with all its spare oil. Andrew takes a look at how one American preacher is dealing with the virus, also, with kids heading back for another term of homeschooling, we give you our top tips in how to make homeschool as unbearable as real school. Plus regular updates from Bec De Unamuno in the Chaser Newsroom delivering all the news you know you can’t trust.
Stream above, visit it at Nova, and subscribe to it wherever you get your podcasts.
TRANSCRIPT:
Rebecca De Unamuno:
In times like these it’s important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that’s reliably reliable,
informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately you’re not listening to it. Instead you’re
listening to the Chaser Report.
Charles Firth:
Hello. Welcome to another episode of the Chaser Report. News you can’t trust. I’m Charles Firth and
joining me today are Andrew Hansen and Dominic Knight. Dom, what a big week. I mean it’s the biggest
week we’ve had since, I don’t know, last week. Virgin collapsed this week. Petrol prices collapsed. But
Dom, what are you going to miss most about Virgin being gone?
Dom Knight:
I really value the choice Charles, with Virgin. If I don’t feel like flying Qantas, I have the option to pay just
as much for a worse experience with Virgin.
Charles Firth:
It was good. Andrew, do you have any thoughts about the Virgin collapse?
Andrew Hansen:
Yeah. Charles. Look, I will miss Virgin. What’s what I miss? So I guess, I’m going to miss the chance to use
my points to buy a third of a toaster.
Dom Knight:
I mean, for me, I still think of it as Virgin Blue. Back in those early days, it really blew.
Charles Firth:
It really did. Coming up, Andrew Hansen’s going to look at American preachers who think the
coronavirus is nothing to worry about. Dom’s going to, well, I mean he’s, he’s an expert in all things zero,
so he’s looking at what it means when the oil price goes below $0 a barrel. But first, let’s check in with
Rebecca De Unamuno who’s got the latest Chaser news headlines.
Rebecca De Unamuno:
Virgin has finally been fucked. A spokesperson said the company said it got fucked on the weekend and
since it was its first time, it simply didn’t know to use protection against a virus. Former prime minister
Malcolm Turnbull, has released a book about his time in politics without any spine whatsoever. The
memoir features a front and back cover, pages on the inside, but no spine. Critics noted the book falls
apart remarkably quickly. Each book comes with a free knife firmly planted in the back cover, signed by
Mathias Cormann. Mr Turnbull was emailed for comment, but he’s waiting for the email to arrive on his
MBN connection. A new study out today shows parents are limiting the screen time for their kids to just
one hour every 60 minutes. The figures come after official government guidelines were updated to
recommend that parents do whatever it takes to keep the little fuckers quiet.
Rebecca De Unamuno:
Experts say, although one hour per hour is the norm, it is still important to make sure children take a
break from computer screens by mixing it up with other different screens such as television or another
computer, at least once a day. A local shopper has expressed outrage after turning up to his local
Bunnings to discover the shop packed with people. The man posted a lengthy rant to Facebook in which
he pointed out the entire nation is supposed to be in lockdown and only he was the one exempt from
the rules. That’s the Chaser of report headlines, news you can’t trust.
Charles Firth:
Thanks Beck. Hey Beck, did you have many Virgin frequent flyer points that are now useless?
Rebecca De Unamuno:
No, I was smart. I saw the collapse coming, so I traded all my points in for a $30 gift voucher to Brashers.
Charles Firth:
Oh, well that’s very clever.
Rebecca De Unamuno:
The Chaser Report. Less news, less often.
Richard Branson:
This week’s Chaser Report is proudly sponsored by me, Richard Branson. You may have heard that my
airline Virgin has recently lost its virginity, but I promise you I am raising money like never before. I’ve
begged several governments to refund all $0 of my tax. I’ve mortgaged my private island, although we
can’t hold open house inspections, so domain has reduced the asking price a bit. Like many comedians
at this difficult time, Virgin’s humorous inflight announcements are now being streamed online for your
at-home enjoyment. They’re very amusing. And most importantly, for our valued frequent flyers, rest
assured your points are safe behind the counter at your nearest Virgin Megastore.
Rebecca De Unamuno:
The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens.
Dom Knight:
Look, huge news in the oil industry this week. Prices have fallen much further than I thought was even
possible.
Richard Branson:
The price for a barrel of West Texas crude turned negative for the first time ever. Ending the day at a jaw
dropping minus $37.63 cents a barrel. Meaning sellers were willing to pay buyers to have it taken off
their hands.
Dom Knight:
Yeah. So if you can find anyone to buy oil right now, guys, you’ll actually get paid for it. It’s probably the
best job opportunity available.
Charles Firth:
You know what I reckon they should do with it. And I think some might have already done that. You
know how kombucha tastes really shit? I reckon you just market it as a new form of kombucha, like
petrol-flavored kombucha. Everyone go, Oh wow. Oh yeah. And you can say it’s all natural, it’s
completely natural. Comes out of the ground.
Dom Knight:
Yeah. Crude kombucha. I like it.
Andrew Hansen:
Well this is extraordinary. I mean, who’s going to get all this oil though? I mean, if it’s so undesirable…
Why is it so undesirable, oil? What’s wrong with it? What’s wrong with it?
Dom Knight:
Well, they’ve got far more than they need, so I’ve been trying to find people to just take it off my hands,
serve as a kind of a middle man and I’m marketing it as extra Virgin, cold pressed crude. And I’ve
managed to sell some to channel nine, they use an awful lot of oil keeping Richard Wilkins lubricated.
Andrew Hansen:
I can imagine. I mean he’s awfully dry, isn’t he?
Dom Knight:
Everyone’s trying to cook at home at the moment, so the people who probably want to make
kombucha, but I’ve been selling some to everyone who’s trying to cook KFC at home. It’s an essential
ingredient. Just dip the chicken in crude and it tastes like the real thing.
Andrew Hansen:
It’s the 11th secret herb and spice I imagine, crude oil from Saudi Arabia.
Dom Knight:
But look, there is a big problem with all this spare oil that’s been lying around.
News Reporter:
Now storage facilities are almost filled to the brim. There are concerns the world could run out of places
to store the excess supply.
Dom Knight:
So where do we put it? I mean, I’ve stored as much as I can at home. Every saucepan, cup and jug.
There’s no more baths for my daughter. It’s just full of oil and we just need places to store the oil. I
mean I live in a terrace, so the entire ground floor of my terrace is now an oil tank. We’ve got to be very
careful about smoking though.
Charles Firth:
Well our local council pool is closed at the moment. So I was thinking why don’t they just drain that and
fill it with petrol?
Dom Knight:
I mean it’s a good thought, Charles. Anything that’s sort of unused. I mean I was thinking maybe all the
kegs in pubs. I mean they’re not useful at the moment are they? I think we should fill them with crude.
Charles Firth:
What a brilliant idea. And then when you need some oil, just go into the pub and they’ll just pull the tap
and give you some crude.
Andrew Hansen:
And I think it’d work especially well in Queensland. I don’t think you’d be able to tell the difference
between that and the Four X anyway when the pubs reopen, you just keep it as is.
Dom Knight:
I’m wondering if we can get bigger than this. I’m wondering if we can do Sydney Harbor. I mean we’re
not really using it at the moment. Can’t go sailing or anything really. Imagine how exciting Vivid would
be with the lights reflecting off all of that oil?
Andrew Hansen:
I think there’s a problem, Dommy, though that if you did that, that the Harbor would end up much
cleaner than it currently is.
Dom Knight:
That’s totally true. But look, there are lots of options here. You can make a lot of money just by buying
oil or selling oil or using however you can. The only problem is, as soon as they heard I was building an
oil stock pile, the US invaded me.
Charles Firth:But I actually reckon this whole thing is bullshit. I reckon, because they said it went into negative
territory and that they’d pay you to take it off it’s hands. But then I went to my local survo the other day
and it’s just bullshit, didn’t happen at all.
Charles Firth:
Oil prices are now in negative territory, less than $0. So if I fill up my tank, will you give me money?
Petrol Station Manager:
I’m not sure I can do that.
Charles Firth:
But I’ll take 40 liters of petrol off your hand. Can you make me an offer, like say 20 bucks or something?
Petrol Station Manager:
No, I can’t do that at the moment. I’m really sorry. Whatever the pricing comes from my head office so I
have no control over my pricing at the store.
Andrew Hansen:
But I love how he blames head office for the fact that he doesn’t want to pay us to take away his petrol.
Rebecca De Unamuno:
The Chaser Report, news you know you can’t trust.
Andrew Hansen:
Now of course, Dommy and Charles, during this rather difficult time, we need to turn to people for a bit
of help and it might be celebrities. I quite like opening up Facebook and looking at the latest celebrities
who can calm us down. But understandably a lot of people are also turning to religion and I had a bit of
a scout around online to find the most encouraging sort of religious sermon that I could find on the
subject of the COVID pandemic. And I’d like to share that with you guys right now. Just to get… Sort of,
as a public service, I suppose more than anything.
Andrew Hansen:
Now, there’s an American pastor, he’s an exciting guy. His name is Kenneth Copeland. Now, I don’t know
if you’ve checked out any of Kenneth’s shows, but, well, he made a prediction actually. He’s an
interesting guy because he made this prediction back when COVID-19 first became a problem. And he
decided to share that prediction with his congregation and his YouTube followers. Now, luckily what
happened was God spoke to Kenneth Copeland at exactly 9:24 in the evening and he gave Kenneth
some very good news, although God didn’t seem quite sure what the name of the COVID-19 illness
actually is.
Kenneth Copeland:
Suddenly the word of the Lord came to me, so I jumped up, ran, got my note pad and wrote it down.
9:24. This disease called CODV 19 will be over much sooner than you think.
Andrew Hansen:
So there’s a bit of good news. If you’re worried about CODV 19 then that particular disease.
Charles Firth:
The Cod virus.
Dom Knight:
If you’ve got COVID, you’re screwed. But CODV sufferers, very good news.
Andrew Hansen:
That’s right. And so I hope you feel reassured by that. Anyway. Look, eventually both God and Kenneth
figured out the name of the virus. Or is it a virus? I mean, in Kenneth’s mind, this virus is actually a bit
more evil than you might have initially thought.
Kenneth Copeland:
In the name of Jesus. Thank you Jesus. Standing in the office of the prophet of God. I execute judgment
on you COVID-19. I execute judgment on you, Satan. You destroyer. You killer.
Andrew Hansen:
So this is interesting to me because that’s what the virus is. It’s Satan. That’s what we’re up against. No
wonder they’re having difficulty curing the damn thing.
Charles Firth:
Why aren’t the scientists following up on this and working out how to get rid of Satan?
Andrew Hansen:
Well, this is the thing. Well, we might not need the scientists though, Charles, because fortunately
Kenneth has become rather cross at Satan/virus and he’s not afraid to boss this naughty virus around
himself. Take a listen.
Kenneth Copeland:
You come down from your place of authority, destroyer. You come down and you crawl on your belly
like God commanded you when he
Andrew Hansen:
Now question for you Charles and Dom, like God commanded you when he did what to Satan?
Dom Knight:
I mean, what I’m thinking of, hearing him talk, is when Jesus turned water into wine. I think he’s had a
lot of special water lately.
Charles Firth:
It sounds like the time that Jesus turned Satan into the human centipede, maybe.
Andrew Hansen:
It’s not a bad guess. They’re both quite good guesses.
Charles Firth:
Is that in the Bible?
Andrew Hansen:
It might be in the Apocrypha.
Dom Knight:
Right next to Sodom, I think.
Andrew Hansen:
Let’s listen to exactly what God did to Satan.
Kenneth Copeland:
Like God commanded you when he put his foot on your head.
Andrew Hansen:
Apparently that’s what he did. So maybe that’s the solution to the virus. We just stand on it’s head. I
guess.
Dom Knight:
Well, I guess you could make the virus go away with shouting [inaudible 00:12:26] we’d be fine.
Andrew Hansen:
We’d be good. Look, he’s not always… You say shouting, Dommy, you say shouting, but pastor Kenneth
Copeland is not always so brusque. He actually had a very polite request to make of this virus. It goes
like this.
Kenneth Copeland:
You get out, you break your power. You get off this nation. I demand judgment on you. I demand, I
demand, I demand.
Andrew Hansen:
Now a question. Apropos of demanding, what does pastor Kenneth Copeland demand?
Dom Knight:
Some more crack?
Charles Firth:
Exactly. Methamphetamine isn’t it? No, I assume it’s the last, those three digits on the back of your
credit card number. Isn’t that what they usually demand?
Dom Knight:
Yeah that’s true.
Andrew Hansen:
At the end of the day. Well okay, let’s reveal the answer. I can reveal what does Kenneth Copeland
demand?
Kenneth Copeland:
I demand. I demand. I demand a vaccination to come immediately.
Andrew Hansen:
I’m astonished that that guy believes in vaccines.
Dom Knight:
It’s the most unbelievable part of his whole sermon.
Andrew Hansen:
There’s a first time for everything, isn’t there Dommy? But good news. He’s demanded it immediately. I
mean because we keep getting told don’t we, that we’re going to have to wait 12 months at least or
whatever. No, he’s demanding it immediately. He’s gone further than that. He’s actually declared the
entire pandemic over. Although unfortunately he only remembered to get a vaccination for one country.
Kenneth Copeland:
It is over and the United States of America is healed.
Charles Firth:
Oh that’s great news. And you heard it here first.
Dom Knight:
What a pity they’ve put the integration ban in.
Rebecca De Unamuno:Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence. This is the Chaser Report.
Richard Branson:
This week’s Chaser Report is proudly sponsored by me, Richard Branson. It’s halfway through the
episode. So would you like to buy a copy of my autobiography? No? What about a private island then?
Charles Firth:
So kids headed back to school this week in Queensland and they’ve already been back for a week in
Victoria. And in New South Wales they’re heading back to school next week. I don’t know about the rest
of the States but I don’t about them anyway. Point is, I thought it would be a good time to just give
parents some homeschooling tips. Because I’ve got two kids, I’ve got a nine year old and 11 year old.
And I just thought I’ve been running a fairly tight ship with my homeschool in the last sort of four or five
weeks and I’ve got a bit of knowledge to pass on. So first one is, it’s really important to sort of set up a
really rigid routine and have a bit of discipline. And I think one way to signal that is you should make
them get dressed into their school uniform every day.
Andrew Hansen:
No, you don’t do that, do you?
Charles Firth:
Yeah, no, I do. Yep. Yep. And people do mock me for it. People sort of say that’s a stupid thing, but it
does work because the kids hate you so much for making them do that, that it’s just got that school vibe
from the very beginning of the day. But they really just hate you.
Andrew Hansen:Do you insist on the school shoes as well? Do you do a shoe inspection to make sure they’re polished?
Charles Firth:
Yes. Yes. And they’ve got to have their socks up to their knees and everything like that.
Andrew Hansen:
What about ties? Do you have posh private school kids, Charles? Do they were ties?
Charles Firth:
No, we go to public schools, but no I get them to wear a tie definitely.
Dom Knight:
And a boater I assume.
Charles Firth:
Yeah and a boater.
Andrew Hansen:
Indoors.
Charles Firth:
Exactly. But and I, too, get dressed up as well, as a teacher. Unfortunately the only teacher’s outfit we
have is one of those sexy teachers outfits that I got from my wife last Halloween.
Dom Knight:
It’s what Catholic teachers wear, isn’t it?
Charles Firth:
Yeah, it’s a sort of Catholic vibe to the whole school. Very weird.
Andrew Hansen:
Well you want to replicate the real experience, I suppose, don’t you?
Charles Firth:
Yeah, no, exactly. Exactly. Prepare them for the real world. And so I just wanted to also go through a few
tips on various subjects. So the first thing is maths, right? So what you’ve got to do, you’ve got to trust
yourself on this one. The answers, I can tell you now, the answers in the back of the maths books are
just always wrong. They are universally wrong. I don’t know why they put them in there, but they are
never correct.
Andrew Hansen:
You sure about this Charles?
Charles Firth:
I’m pretty sure. Especially on things like subtraction, stuff like that. They just never get it right. It’s so
weird. I mean, unless you use the calculator on the computer, then suddenly the answers seem to be
right, but I’m pretty sure that they’ve got it wrong.
Dom Knight:
I’m confident that your kids are getting lots of practice adding up daddy’s day drinks.
Charles Firth:
That is true. That’s why you have three breaks a day, you have your crunch and sip at 10:00 AM. You
have recess at 11:00 AM. And then you have lunch at 12:30. And they are all great opportunities to go
and get a glass of wine.
Dom Knight:
A special popper.
Andrew Hansen:
Sorry, did you call one of them crunch and sip?
Charles Firth:
Yeah. Crunch and sip.
Andrew Hansen:
What the hell is crunch and sip? That’s a made up break. That’s not a school break.
Charles Firth:
Really?
Andrew Hansen:
We didn’t have that. [crosstalk 00:17:59].
Charles Firth:
No, that’s because they found out… This is true. They found out that kids were arriving to school having
not eaten breakfast and so everyone was really hungry at 10:00 AM and it makes them concentrate.
Andrew Hansen:
And they called it crunch and sip? It should be called brunch. Crunch and sip is not a meal.
Charles Firth:
And they should hand out smashed avocado.
Andrew Hansen:
Yes. The real world.
Charles Firth:
Is that what goes on at your school, your local school?
Andrew Hansen:
Well I live in Melbourne Charles, so yes, we have very sophisticated school brunches, thanks. In
Laneways.
Charles Firth:
Everyone has a single origin short black as well.
Andrew Hansen:
They do. They do.
Dom Knight:
There’s a barista in every public school in Melbourne.
Andrew Hansen:
Of course there is.
Charles Firth:
English is another area which, I must say, has changed a lot since our days because they don’t teach kids
how to spell anymore. They don’t know how to spell anything really. And I know this because I did a
spelling test with the kids the other day and I asked them to spell anymore or anything and they can’t
spell either of them.
Dom Knight:
So they can’t literally spell anything.
Charles Firth:
They literally can’t spell anything.
Andrew Hansen:
What a shame.
Charles Firth:
Hartley, my 11 year old spelled it with an E. E-N-Y.
Dom Knight:
He can’t spell anything that kid.
Charles Firth:
He can’t spell anything.
Dom Knight:
So this isn’t so much of a joke. It’s just you shaming your child on a podcast.
Charles Firth:
I’m really hoping he doesn’t listen to this, but I should go through some of the technology as well. If you
live in New South Wales, the department of education here uses Google Classroom as their way of
interacting. And that is an amazing technology. What it does is, at the beginning of the day, you get to
see all the assignments that your son has been set for the day. So it really reinforces your lack of
achievement at getting your kids to do anything during the day.
Dom Knight:
It’s really nice that Google’s constant surveillance of all of us is actually being put to a good use during
this period.
Charles Firth:
It’s great. The kids love it. They’re real fans of Google Classroom. And then we’ve got Behind the News.
Do you know Behind the News still exists?
Andrew Hansen:
It does not.
Dom Knight:
Is Richard Morecroft still hosting it?
Charles Firth:
I don’t know.
Dom Knight:
In his 80s?
Charles Firth:
I’d pop out for a wine whenever it comes on.
Andrew Hansen:
Behind the cabinet.
Charles Firth:
The kids have to watch it. It’s 25 minutes long. It’s a fantastic resource. Although I think it’s actually
turned into a bit of a Fox news thing, because last week… This is absolutely true. I said, “What did you
learn from Behind the News?” And they went, “Well immigrants come here and cost the government
lots of money.” It was one of the talking points. And then they said, “And coal power plants employ lots
of people.”
Dom Knight:
Is this Behind the Sky News?
Charles Firth:
Yeah, that’s really the Sky news. But that’s the Andrew Bolt version of Behind the News. The other sort
of weird tech thing is, you’d think that the one advantage of homeschooling is that the kids can’t chat
amongst each other in the classroom. You have full attention by your kids. The other day. So there’s this
chat app called Discord that is used for video gaming and things like that. The other day I caught my 11
year old and what he’d done is there’s a setting on Discord which means that you can hide that the app’s
on. And he’d set up a chat with the guy who he sits next to at school, and he was just chatting to him
without my knowledge. Was supposed to be working. I mean what a bloody genius.
Dom Knight:
So that’s like real school.
Andrew Hansen:
At least he’s learned something.
Charles Firth:
Yeah, exactly. And I actually asked him how much he’d been doing that with his friend, Jarvis.
Charles Firth:
How often do you speak to Jarvis using Discord while you’re supposed to be working at homeschool?
Charles’ Son:
I’d rather not answer that.
Charles Firth:
Anyway. So homeschooling is basically a horrible experience, but it is an opportunity to spend time with
your kids. And remember that is time you’ll never get back. But I think my kids do like it. I mean I’ve
been spending literally about 25 hours a week doing it, each and every week, putting in a huge effort. So
I thought I should do a bit of a survey of the kids. Because it’s always nice to get some good feedback
from them.
Charles Firth:
What’s your favorite thing about homeschool?
Charles’ Son:
Nothing.
Rebecca De Unamuno:
The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers.
Andrew:
International global news world roundup.
Dom Knight:
Yes. Let’s catch up on some of the world’s most important news stories, Charles and Andrew. Firstly,
what wonderful news from Scotland, Nessie, the Loch Ness monster has surfaced for it’s second official
sighting this year. Why do you think Nessie’s suddenly turning up during COVID?
Andrew Hansen:
Oh, is she? Don’t tell me there’s a Glasgow wet markets selling Nessie meat?
Dom Knight:
Is that what’s going on? We’ve got enough Coronas.
Charles Firth:
I actually think I know the reason why and it’s because, with lockdown, everyone’s drinking more. So
they all think that they see the Loch Ness monster, isn’t that the only reason it’s sighted?
Andrew Hansen:
What are you talking about Charles? This is Scotland you’re talking about Charles. They already drink 365
days a year. They can’t drink more.
Dom Knight:
This is real stuff.
Charles Firth:
It’s actually the only place in the world where there’s less drinking during lockdown.
Dom Knight:
So I mean, given that Nessie’s here, who else could show up? Any other legendary monsters you’d like to
see re-appearing?
Andrew Hansen:
That’s a good question, Dommy. I mean I think we’re going to need some dragons. Now that Virgin
airlines has collapsed. A very affordable way to fly.
Charles Firth:
Yeah. And I was thinking it’d be good to have Batman, because bats have such a bad reputation because
the virus came from and everything like that. Maybe Batman should make an appearance and sort of
revive the reputation of bats.
Andrew Hansen:
You’d steer well clear of Batman at this point, wouldn’t you? I mean if he showed up he would not be
welcome.
Charles Firth:
Especially if Pangolin Man showed up. That’d be terrible.
Andrew Hansen:
You don’t want him. You don’t want a visit from him.
Dom Knight:
Now heading to Canada where helpful tip from an Ontario waste company. They’ve reminded residents
not to recycle swords. Someone put a sword in their recycling bin and apparently it jammed the
machinery. Do you think that’s unfair? Should recyclers be forced to take our spare weapons?
Charles Firth:
Yes. Yes. And this is a huge problem. I’ve actually been in a fight with council for months because they
refuse to recycle my trebuchet, that I have.
Andrew Hansen:
Oh dear. Look, this does sound bad to me Dommy. I mean, look, I think if people are just going to throw
swords into landfill, then they’re going to end up in the ocean and get mistaken for a swordfish. I mean
that’ll be very confusing for Marine life.
Dom Knight:
What would you suggest people do with their spare weapons if they don’t want to put them in the
council bins?
Charles Firth:
Well if they’ve got a sword, surely you should use it as a bottle opener. So every time you have a
Methuselah of champagne, you just whack the sword across the neck and open the bottle.
Dom Knight:
I think a suit of armor would be very useful for social distancing at this point in time. And finally speaking
of things you can wear, let’s head to Florida. Here is a report from CBS in Miami.
News Reporter:
Broward circuit judge Dennis Bailey says he had one male lawyer who appeared shirtless, then a female
attorney appeared to be still in bed and under the covers.
Dom Knight:
Yes, lawyers are turning up to their Zoom court without dressing properly. Should the judge be
concerned about dress standards in Zoom court?
Andrew Hansen:
No. No, that’s fine. No. I’d go further. I actually wouldn’t mind seeing some Snapchat filters on lawyers in
court. I reckon it’d be fun to be defended by a lawyer with a cat’s face or a lawyer who’s made to look
like a baby.
Dom Knight:
Or a snake, which they look like anyway.
Andrew Hansen:
Or a snake. The defendant’s too. I wouldn’t mind seeing an accused murderer with a filter to make him
look like a unicorn or something. I think that would make court cases a lot more fun.
Charles Firth:
I disagree with Andrew on this one because I think courts are actually, they have to be respected. I mean
ever since the George Pill verdict I’ve just held the high court in such high esteem here. And I think
you’ve got to treat them with that sort of respect. So no, I totally against it.
Andrew Hansen:
We wouldn’t have wanted Pill to appear on a Zoom meeting in bed. It may have provided an extra piece
of evidence.
Dom Knight:
Not guilty, allegedly. But look, how do you think this compares? The people turning up naked to court in
Florida? How does it compare to the rule here? Is it more or less ridiculous than our, all the barristers
have to have a clump of white horse hair on their heads to go into court.
Charles Firth:
Oh is that horse hair? I thought that that was bed hair.
Andrew Hansen:
As long as they’re not wearing a bat on their head, I feel safe.
Rebecca De Unamuno:
None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice.
The Chaser Report.
Richard Branson:
Hi, I’m Richard Branson and I’m proud to sponsor the Virgin Report. Sure, they call it the Chaser Report,
but you can’t tell me these three aren’t virgins.
Charles Firth:
So we’re coming up to the end of the show, but we do have some breaking news from Rebecca De
Unamuno in the newsroom.
Rebecca De Unamuno:
Yes guys, news just in. More bad news after Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp announced it had been hit
hard by the Corona virus and that it would consider laying off some coalition MPs and may even have to
sell off some of the MPs it owns.
Charles Firth:
Thanks Beck. So that’s the end of the show. Check us out online at chaser.com.au. Find us on Twitter at
Chaser and on Instagram at Chaserwar. Search for the Chaser Report and make sure you hit the
subscribe button to make sure you get reminded each time we drop an ep and then you can choose to
ignore it. Now we do understand that a lot of people out there are suffering at this time. A lot of people
in the entertainment industry without a job, good high profile people really struggling to pick up work.
So we’d like to thank our production staff here today. To our runner, Cate Blanchett. To our production
assistant, Russell Crowe. And the wonderful catering from George Calombaris and I hope that George
understands why his paycheck didn’t include all the hours he’s worked. It’s my bad, it’s a total mix up
and I’m sure I’ll fix it up next time. Anyway, we’ll leave you with a promo for a very exciting new podcast
that Chaser Studios has been working on for some time. Check it out.
Loud American Man:
I don’t know, I just, I don’t know about this. I thought I used to know and now I don’t know. I have a
whole different approach. I mean it’s really changed my thinking on this.
Loud American Woman:
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Voice Over Guy:
Chaser podcasts presents.
Loud American Man:
So anyway, we’ve got a short show today. It’s just five hours of me telling you all about something and
now let me tell you, I have it all worked out now. I have all the answers on this thing.
Loud American Woman:
That’s so true.
Voice Over Guy:
A talk show, interview, podcast.
Loud American Man:
Now the thing about this thing and you need to understand this. If you really want to understand this
thing…
Loud American Woman:
Of course that’s totally true.
Voice Over Guy:
With a difference.
Loud American Man:
Anyway, now, well, let me get to this thing.
Loud American Woman:
Yeah, get on with it, Pete.
Voice Over Guy:
The only talk show interview podcast that never actually interviews anyone. Loud American who likes
the sound of his voice with a woman who just agrees with him podcast. Out now. Just search for any
podcast and you’ll probably find one that sounds exactly like it.


thechaser--2020-04-24--Trump appoints Gwyneth Paltrow new leader of the US’ COVID-19 efforts

Breaking news coming out of Washington today as President Trump appoints actress and self-proclaimed medical expert Gwyneth Paltrow to helm the response against coronavirus by the US Government .
Many political experts have said that the drastic move is “ not surprising at this point , ” and also said “ if it wasn ’ t her it would have been Doctor Oz ” .
“ The president made this decision after watching her Netflix documentaries , ” Said a White House spokesperson .
“ At first he asked medical experts what alternative medicines they were using to combat the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ healing powers of magic mushrooms which he had seen on the show .
After the medical experts said they were planning to stick to proven and safe medication only the President fired them all .
He then conducted his own research into the ‘ healing stuff ’ present in cleaning products , heat and UV light .
After realising they are the real cures to this pandemic , he decided to hire the expert staff at Goop.
” “ We are thrilled at the opportunity , ” said a Goop employee , “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lead this country as Mrs Paltrow is to conduct medical research so it truly is a match made in heaven .
We have already begun work on a range of products to combat this virus .
From healing stones , to vaginal eggs , to scented candles and incense , the American Government will be well equipped with all the Goop needs to combat this virus .
If women at home want to get in on this action early they can buy the Goop coronavirus starter pack for the low price of $ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shake up has received some criticism from leaders within Trump ’ s evangelist supporters claiming , “ These stones and potions are witchcraft and work of the Devil .
The only way we will truly banish this demon virus is if we prey it away by donating any and all money to our private jet funds .
”

Breaking news coming out of Washington today as President Trump appoints actress and self-proclaimed medical expert Gwyneth Paltrow to helm the response against coronavirus by the US Government. Many political experts have said that the drastic move is “not surprising at this point,” and also said “if it wasn’t her it would have been Doctor Oz”.
“The president made this decision after watching her Netflix documentaries,” Said a White House spokesperson. “At first he asked medical experts what alternative medicines they were using to combat the crisis, then he asked about the healing powers of magic mushrooms which he had seen on the show. After the medical experts said they were planning to stick to proven and safe medication only the President fired them all. He then conducted his own research into the ‘healing stuff’ present in cleaning products, heat and UV light. After realising they are the real cures to this pandemic, he decided to hire the expert staff at Goop.”
“We are thrilled at the opportunity,” said a Goop employee, “President Trump is just as qualified to lead this country as Mrs Paltrow is to conduct medical research so it truly is a match made in heaven. We have already begun work on a range of products to combat this virus. From healing stones, to vaginal eggs, to scented candles and incense, the American Government will be well equipped with all the Goop needs to combat this virus. If women at home want to get in on this action early they can buy the Goop coronavirus starter pack for the low price of $10,000 per person.”
However, this shake up has received some criticism from leaders within Trump’s evangelist supporters claiming, “These stones and potions are witchcraft and work of the Devil. The only way we will truly banish this demon virus is if we prey it away by donating any and all money to our private jet funds.”


thechaser--2020-04-24--Pete Evans glad to finally hear Trump talking some sense

Many people around the world were quick to criticise President Donald Trump today for saying that heat , light and injecting household cleaning agents are cures for COVID-19 , however one man jumping to his defence in celebrity chef and Fred Flintstone wannabe Pete Evans .
Paleo Pete who came under fire after for suggesting the use of a $ 15K light machine to cure coronavirus only a fortnight ago ( or 2 months ago if we convert for how time moves in 2020 ) on the 10th of April .
Even though the creators of the light said it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Evans stands sure that light is a way to kill the virus and dismisses any criticism as ‘ based on facts and evidence ’ a thing Evans is strongly against .
“ Look I don ’ t agree with everything he says , ” Evans told us in an interview , “ I am strongly against injecting cleaning products in your body , as it is not in keeping with the paleo diet .
But I am excited to see a world leader finally looking into real solutions to this .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like us , not those annoying ‘ Doctors ’ .
I mean what do they know ?
They have always been my enemy , and it seems recently they have become the President ’ s enemy too.
” “ Although looking into it more it isn ’ t an enemy of my enemy situation , ” Evans continued , “ he and I seem to have a lot in common .
We are both tv hosts , we love eating , we don ’ t trust vaccines and we both enjoy staring straight @ @ @ @ @ @ @ those in mind it is clear why we know that we are smarter than these so called ‘ Doctors ’ .
” The Australian Medical Association has responded to Evans with an open letter writing , “ Shut up Pete , just please stop talking .
Doctors are far too busy to deal with your stupidity right now !
”

Many people around the world were quick to criticise President Donald Trump today for saying that heat, light and injecting household cleaning agents are cures for COVID-19, however one man jumping to his defence in celebrity chef and Fred Flintstone wannabe Pete Evans.
Paleo Pete who came under fire after for suggesting the use of a $15K light machine to cure coronavirus only a fortnight ago (or 2 months ago if we convert for how time moves in 2020) on the 10th of April. Even though the creators of the light said it is not a cure for any disease, Evans stands sure that light is a way to kill the virus and dismisses any criticism as ‘based on facts and evidence’ a thing Evans is strongly against.
“Look I don’t agree with everything he says,” Evans told us in an interview, “I am strongly against injecting cleaning products in your body, as it is not in keeping with the paleo diet. But I am excited to see a world leader finally looking into real solutions to this. I am glad he is listening to people like us, not those annoying ‘Doctors’. I mean what do they know? They have always been my enemy, and it seems recently they have become the President’s enemy too.”
“Although looking into it more it isn’t an enemy of my enemy situation,” Evans continued, “he and I seem to have a lot in common. We are both tv hosts, we love eating, we don’t trust vaccines and we both enjoy staring straight into the sun. I think with those in mind it is clear why we know that we are smarter than these so called ‘Doctors’.”
The Australian Medical Association has responded to Evans with an open letter writing, “Shut up Pete, just please stop talking. Doctors are far too busy to deal with your stupidity right now!”


thechaser--2020-04-24--Exasperated Doctors recommend Trump be injected with disinfectant

Medical experts have today agreed that Donald Trump should try injecting disinfectants and to let them know how it goes , after the President of the United States decided to just start riffing possible cures for the coronavirus off the top of his head while addressing the nation during a 6 hour unbroken monologue .
“ What about light , have we tried putting a lightbulb in their mouth ?
” mused Trump while patting himself on the back .
“ Hrm , yes very good idea Donald , we should check that out , it will probably cure everyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we should maybe try drinking bleach , I hear that kills viruses , so we should probably try that too.
” However , doctors were reluctant to attempt killing their patients , and instead suggested these new cures should first be trialed on a human patient , perhaps one with a tremendous immune system , who has the best health , absolutely superb , like no other .
Thinking out loud where they could possibly find such a tremendous person with such giant hands , doctors were ecstatic to hear Donald suggest that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the greatest , and he would happily try out injecting Detol directly into his veins .
“ It ’ s worth a shot , ” explained doctors , “ after all , worst case scenario is he survives .
”

Medical experts have today agreed that Donald Trump should try injecting disinfectants and to let them know how it goes, after the President of the United States decided to just start riffing possible cures for the coronavirus off the top of his head while addressing the nation during a 6 hour unbroken monologue.
“What about light, have we tried putting a lightbulb in their mouth?” mused Trump while patting himself on the back. “Hrm, yes very good idea Donald, we should check that out, it will probably cure everyone, somebody write that down. Also we should maybe try drinking bleach, I hear that kills viruses, so we should probably try that too.”
However, doctors were reluctant to attempt killing their patients, and instead suggested these new cures should first be trialed on a human patient, perhaps one with a tremendous immune system, who has the best health, absolutely superb, like no other. Thinking out loud where they could possibly find such a tremendous person with such giant hands, doctors were ecstatic to hear Donald suggest that he in fact had great immunity, the greatest, and he would happily try out injecting Detol directly into his veins.
“It’s worth a shot,” explained doctors, “after all, worst case scenario is he survives.”


thechaser--2020-04-25--Presidents of North Korea, America pronounced braindead

Close watchers of North Korea have today increased confidence in earlier reports that North Korean President Kim Jong Un may @ @ @ @ @ , with speculation in the press that the leader has been pronounced brain-dead following a @ @ @ @ @ experts were quick to throw cold water on suggestions that this may signal a change @ @ @ @ @ communist state , with many pointing out that the American President has continued to carry @ @ @ @ @ office despite being visibly brain-dead since taking office .
“ Based on past precedent , @ @ @ @ @ to be back up playing golf , altering Weather maps with a sharpie , and @ @ @ @ @ no time.
” Explained President Kim ’ s doctors .
“ Why only yesterday we @ @ @ @ @ returning to normal life without a brain after he uttered his first words to doctors @ @ @ @ @ might be able to cure his condition with very powerful lights .
”

Close watchers of North Korea have today increased confidence in earlier reports that North Korean President Kim Jong Un may be in a vegetative state, with speculation in the press that the leader has been pronounced brain-dead following a botched operation. However, experts were quick to throw cold water on suggestions that this may signal a change in leadership in the secretive communist state, with many pointing out that the American President has continued to carry out the functions of the office despite being visibly brain-dead since taking office.
“Based on past precedent, we fully expect Mr Kim to be back up playing golf, altering Weather maps with a sharpie, and stating at solar eclipses in no time.” Explained President Kim’s doctors. “Why only yesterday we saw great improvement in him returning to normal life without a brain after he uttered his first words to doctors, asking them if they might be able to cure his condition with very powerful lights.”


thechaser--2020-04-27--COVID app usage surges to 100% after government introduce Pokemon catching feature

The new Coronavirus tracking app released by the Australian Government today has been declared a complete success after 100 % of the population downloaded the app in the first 24 hours .
While uptake was initially slow , with only 1 of the required 10 million users installing it , the apps fortunes turned around late Monday after the government rolled out a new feature explaining the app needed location privileges to help users find and capture Pokemon .
“ Yea at first I was a bit hesitant about giving the government access to my data , ” explained one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I ’ m very conscious of that stuff .
Unless it ’ s the Chinese government scraping all my personal data via TikTok ’ s background uploads , or the Russian government building a database of my selfies using the FaceApp ageing filter , or America ’ s NSA gaining access to all my most private conversations via the backdoor built into Facebook – except for those cases and pretty much every other app I ’ ve ever installed I ’ m very conscious of my personal data.
” Asked if this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that Greg was clearly lying , given his voice always has a slight upward inflection when he lies based on their data collected from thousands of his private conversations .
“ According to the data from the last 20 years of his web browsing habits that we ’ ve collected via ad tracking pixels , combined with what we know from his Google home recordings and his phonecall data , we can confidently say that Greg actually has zero regard for his personal data .
In fact he never even opened a news @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has never read the Wikipedia page on the PRISM monitoring network .
He has also never physically been present at a protest about the metadata laws , and he regularly sends pictures of his genitals to people he has never met .
If anything , Greg is one of the least security conscious people we have ever seen , and we ’ ve seen just about everything .
Literally .
”

The new Coronavirus tracking app released by the Australian Government today has been declared a complete success after 100% of the population downloaded the app in the first 24 hours. While uptake was initially slow, with only 1 of the required 10 million users installing it, the apps fortunes turned around late Monday after the government rolled out a new feature explaining the app needed location privileges to help users find and capture Pokemon.
“Yea at first I was a bit hesitant about giving the government access to my data,” explained one local Oppo phone owner Greg Potter. “I’m very conscious of that stuff. Unless it’s the Chinese government scraping all my personal data via TikTok’s background uploads, or the Russian government building a database of my selfies using the FaceApp ageing filter, or America’s NSA gaining access to all my most private conversations via the backdoor built into Facebook – except for those cases and pretty much every other app I’ve ever installed I’m very conscious of my personal data.”
Asked if this was true, international corporation Google said that Greg was clearly lying, given his voice always has a slight upward inflection when he lies based on their data collected from thousands of his private conversations. “According to the data from the last 20 years of his web browsing habits that we’ve collected via ad tracking pixels, combined with what we know from his Google home recordings and his phonecall data, we can confidently say that Greg actually has zero regard for his personal data. In fact he never even opened a news article about the Snowden leaks, and has never read the Wikipedia page on the PRISM monitoring network. He has also never physically been present at a protest about the metadata laws, and he regularly sends pictures of his genitals to people he has never met. If anything, Greg is one of the least security conscious people we have ever seen, and we’ve seen just about everything. Literally.”


thechaser--2020-04-27--Peter Dutton caught using CovidSafe App to hook up with local singles in your area

The Minister for Home Affairs , Peter Dutton has been caught mis-using the Government ’ s new COVIDSafe app to hook up with people who match his preferred privacy settings , in a scandal that threatens to undermine trust in the intitative .
If a user swipes right on the main page of the app , and Mr Dutton has also swiped right on the same user ’ s metadata , then the app tells users that they have matched with the Minister for Home Affairs .
According to an obscure clause in the legislation that hadn ’ t been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are then required by law to go on a date with Mr Dutton .
Due to lockdown laws , this date is usually at the user ’ s home .
But Mr Dutton said he had done nothing wrong .
“ I ’ m the Minister for Home Affairs and all I ’ m doing it having affairs with people in their homes .
It ’ s right there in my title.
” Mr Dutton conceded that using the app to hook up was not intended in the original design of the app @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Corp and the ABC was not in the original powers of the Australian Federal Police , “ but we still did it.
” Mr Dutton said he had always been attracted to people who were into have their privacy invaded .
One user who ended up going on a date with Mr Dutton , said the experience was very romantic , and that Mr Dutton was one of the most charismatic potatoes she had ever met .
“ He even called me Ruby Princess and said he ’ d let me doing anything @ @ @ @

The Minister for Home Affairs, Peter Dutton has been caught mis-using the Government’s new COVIDSafe app to hook up with people who match his preferred privacy settings, in a scandal that threatens to undermine trust in the intitative.
If a user swipes right on the main page of the app, and Mr Dutton has also swiped right on the same user’s metadata, then the app tells users that they have matched with the Minister for Home Affairs.
According to an obscure clause in the legislation that hadn’t been noticed before, users of the app are then required by law to go on a date with Mr Dutton. Due to lockdown laws, this date is usually at the user’s home.
But Mr Dutton said he had done nothing wrong. “I’m the Minister for Home Affairs and all I’m doing it having affairs with people in their homes. It’s right there in my title.”
Mr Dutton conceded that using the app to hook up was not intended in the original design of the app, but that raiding journalists from News Corp and the ABC was not in the original powers of the Australian Federal Police, “but we still did it.”
Mr Dutton said he had always been attracted to people who were into have their privacy invaded.
One user who ended up going on a date with Mr Dutton, said the experience was very romantic, and that Mr Dutton was one of the most charismatic potatoes she had ever met. “He even called me Ruby Princess and said he’d let me doing anything I wanted.”


thechaser--2020-04-27--George Calombaris releases recipe for ripping off employees at home

Celebrity chef and former MasterChef judge George Calombaris has posted a video showing how to recreate the recipe for ripping off employees from home .
Calombaris gives viewers step by step instructions to replicate the exact experience of dining out at Nandos or Rockpool or Fratelli Fresh or Grill ’ d or Subway or Crust Pizza or Muffin Break or YogurtBerry or Jamaica Blue or Coffee Club or pretty much any other food chain , from the comfort of your own home .
Facing the camera while standing over a pile of financial papers , Calombaris began by listing the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and then underpay them by $ 7.8 million .
“ First you ’ re going to need this ” explained the restaurateur , holding up the labour contracts of a hospitality group relying on casual workers .
“ And make sure that you ’ ve got plenty of goodwill stashed in the pantry – you ’ re going to need all of it later on !
” Working through the recipe , Calombaris can be seen giving his personal tips on getting the most from the recipe .
“ Now , a common @ @ @ @ @ @ @ put too much in here ” , he said , gesturing towards an envelope marked “ Superannuation ” .
“ I ’ ve always said that when it comes to this stuff less is more .
“ And don ’ t worry if you put too much ‘ money ’ in your own envelope and don ’ t have enough for for the other envelopes , explained the perpetually on-edge former star .
“ You can just say it was an administrative error and that you have no idea how it all happened @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has been welcomed by viewers .
“ Being in lockdown , I ’ ve been wondering how to recreate some of my favourite dining experiences .
But this really lifts the lid on what was missing — now all my dishes have Calombaris ’ trademark bitter aftertaste , ” said one fan .

Celebrity chef and former MasterChef judge George Calombaris has posted a video showing how to recreate the recipe for ripping off employees from home.
Calombaris gives viewers step by step instructions to replicate the exact experience of dining out at Nandos or Rockpool or Fratelli Fresh or Grill’d or Subway or Crust Pizza or Muffin Break or YogurtBerry or Jamaica Blue or Coffee Club or pretty much any other food chain, from the comfort of your own home.
Facing the camera while standing over a pile of financial papers, Calombaris began by listing the ingredients needed to first entice employees, and then underpay them by $7.8 million.
“First you’re going to need this” explained the restaurateur, holding up the labour contracts of a hospitality group relying on casual workers. “And make sure that you’ve got plenty of goodwill stashed in the pantry – you’re going to need all of it later on!”
Working through the recipe, Calombaris can be seen giving his personal tips on getting the most from the recipe.
“Now, a common mistake many business owners make is to put too much in here”, he said, gesturing towards an envelope marked “Superannuation”. “I’ve always said that when it comes to this stuff less is more.
“And don’t worry if you put too much ‘money’ in your own envelope and don’t have enough for for the other envelopes, explained the perpetually on-edge former star. “You can just say it was an administrative error and that you have no idea how it all happened,” he chuckled.
The video has been welcomed by viewers. “Being in lockdown, I’ve been wondering how to recreate some of my favourite dining experiences. But this really lifts the lid on what was missing — now all my dishes have Calombaris’ trademark bitter aftertaste,” said one fan.


thechaser--2020-04-27--Nation’s dads sticking to emotional distancing rule

The nation ’ s dads have confirmed they are observing strict emotional distancing from their children .
Studies have shown that most dads have remained detached and aloof at all times during the pandemic in an effort to keep themselves emotionally isolated from their kids during this once-in-a-lifetime chance to get to know them better .
One dad , Bryan Johnson , who is partner in at a city law firm , described the steps he takes to prevent himself from developing a meaningful relationship with Arthur ( 10 ) , Petunia ( 8 ) and Hortensia ( 4 ) @ @ @ @ @ @ @ public I make sure they are 1.5 metres away from me , ” he said .
“ And I always let them see me washing my hands after I ’ ve touched them .
It ’ s important to model the behaviour you want them to pick up themselves.
” Asked about when he would be able to relax the restrictions , Johnson said “ First it ’ s ‘ I ’ m worried about the coronavirus ’ or ‘ When can we go back to school ?
’ and before you know @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you their certificates and call you ‘ Daddy ’ instead of your real name .
This is the time when we have to remain vigilant.
” Psychologists warn the risk of being emotionally hurt by those who love you the most is greatest when emotional distancing is not observed .

The nation’s dads have confirmed they are observing strict emotional distancing from their children.
Studies have shown that most dads have remained detached and aloof at all times during the pandemic in an effort to keep themselves emotionally isolated from their kids during this once-in-a-lifetime chance to get to know them better.
One dad, Bryan Johnson, who is partner in at a city law firm, described the steps he takes to prevent himself from developing a meaningful relationship with Arthur (10), Petunia (8) and Hortensia (4).
“When we go out in public I make sure they are 1.5 metres away from me,” he said. “And I always let them see me washing my hands after I’ve touched them. It’s important to model the behaviour you want them to pick up themselves.”
Asked about when he would be able to relax the restrictions, Johnson said “First it’s ‘I’m worried about the coronavirus’ or ‘When can we go back to school?’ and before you know it they’re wanting to show you their certificates and call you ‘Daddy’ instead of your real name. This is the time when we have to remain vigilant.”
Psychologists warn the risk of being emotionally hurt by those who love you the most is greatest when emotional distancing is not observed.


thechaser--2020-04-28--Secret government man monitoring your COVID app thinks its really depressing how few contacts you ha

Secret government man monitoring your COVID app thinks its really depressing how few contacts you have

The man assigned by the government to secretly monitor your COVID app has today expressed how sad it is that you only have that many contacts .
“ God that ’ s just depressing , ” explained Agent Johnson as he snooped in on your private data .
“ Have you even snuck out once for a bit of illegal fraternising yet ?
” Experts at ASIO agreed that you really should get out more , and that your Facebook friends list is kindof small compared to other people too .
“ What have you got like 150 friends on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up to over 2000 by now , ” sighed the agent .
“ And I bet you don ’ t even talk to most of them anymore too , do you ?
” Asked for comment Prime Minister Scott Morrison agreed that you are really lame , and that quarantine or not those numbers are pretty terrible .
“ Haven ’ t you even been outside of your bedroom to talk to other people ?
” he asked .
“ I think we ’ re going to have to implement a new non-social @ @ @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t think you ’ re at any risk of catching COVID looking at these numbers .
”

The man assigned by the government to secretly monitor your COVID app has today expressed how sad it is that you only have that many contacts.
“God that’s just depressing,” explained Agent Johnson as he snooped in on your private data. “Have you even snuck out once for a bit of illegal fraternising yet?”
Experts at ASIO agreed that you really should get out more, and that your Facebook friends list is kindof small compared to other people too. “What have you got like 150 friends on there? Geeze, I’m up to over 2000 by now,” sighed the agent. “And I bet you don’t even talk to most of them anymore too, do you?”
Asked for comment Prime Minister Scott Morrison agreed that you are really lame, and that quarantine or not those numbers are pretty terrible. “Haven’t you even been outside of your bedroom to talk to other people?” he asked. “I think we’re going to have to implement a new non-social isolation rule just for you – I don’t think you’re at any risk of catching COVID looking at these numbers.”


thechaser--2020-04-28--Republicans denounce eyes & ears as a liberal ploy to destroy Donald Trump’s reputation

Republicans across America have today staged protests decrying the fabric of time and space as liberal propaganda , after reality consistently went out of its way to make Donald Trump look bad .
Responding to direct quotes from the President this week regarding injecting disinfectants into people to cure them of coronavirus , supporters of Trump were outraged to see the facts once again make Mr Trump look like some kind of rich airheaded idiot who is undeserving of the office of President .
“ I tolerated reality when it make it look like Donald had altered a weather map @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even conceded reality might have a point when it made it look like the President said there were good people in a Neo-Nazi rally , but this time my eyes and ears have gone too far , ” shouted one protester from a podeum .
“ Today I call on my fellow Republicans to start putting cement in our ears and blinding ourselves with hot pokers , to stop reality from trying to change our view of our perfect President with its liberal ‘ facts ’ and ‘ reason ’ .
” Asked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ President Trump said the reporter asking the question should be locked up and that everything he says is fake news .
“ That ’ s the problem with you people , that ’ s why you ’ re failing and I ’ m number one on Facebook , ” explained the President who was not number one on Facebook by any conceivable measure .
“ Now if you ’ ll excuse me my Lisol is getting warm .
”

Republicans across America have today staged protests decrying the fabric of time and space as liberal propaganda, after reality consistently went out of its way to make Donald Trump look bad. Responding to direct quotes from the President this week regarding injecting disinfectants into people to cure them of coronavirus, supporters of Trump were outraged to see the facts once again make Mr Trump look like some kind of rich airheaded idiot who is undeserving of the office of President.
“I tolerated reality when it make it look like Donald had altered a weather map with a sharpie, and hey I even conceded reality might have a point when it made it look like the President said there were good people in a Neo-Nazi rally, but this time my eyes and ears have gone too far,” shouted one protester from a podeum. “Today I call on my fellow Republicans to start putting cement in our ears and blinding ourselves with hot pokers, to stop reality from trying to change our view of our perfect President with its liberal ‘facts’ and ‘reason’.”
Asked what he thought of the movement, President Trump said the reporter asking the question should be locked up and that everything he says is fake news. “That’s the problem with you people, that’s why you’re failing and I’m number one on Facebook,” explained the President who was not number one on Facebook by any conceivable measure. “Now if you’ll excuse me my Lisol is getting warm.”