thechaser--2020-11-07--Socialist revolutionary Biden begins the slaughter of billionaires

Socialist revolutionary and communist freedom fighter Joe ‘ Che ’ Biden has today begun the first steps in his Marxist @ @ @ @ @ an executive order banning money and decreeing every billionaire should be jailed effective immediately following @ @ @ @ @ job .
“ Comrades today we will all drink at the fountain of healthcare , @ @ @ @ @ storming Amazon Headquarters with his revolutionary forces .
“ The machine of capitalism is oiled @ @ @ @ @ no more .
Now we advance on JP Morgan !
” The situation has come @ @ @ @ @ former Fox News hosts now serving our life sentences in the gulags , who had @ @ @ @ @ .
“ You all thought it was hyperbole ” explained the hosts while smashing rocks @ @ @ @ @ “ how could you not have foreseen this exact outcome from a boring moderate who @ @ @ @ @ for 40 years .
We warned you all , but nobody would listen .
Taxing @ @ @ @ @ slippery slope to communism .
”

Socialist revolutionary and communist freedom fighter Joe ‘Che’ Biden has today begun the first steps in his Marxist reformation of America, signing an executive order banning money and decreeing every billionaire should be jailed effective immediately following his first day on the job.
“Comrades today we will all drink at the fountain of healthcare,” declared Biden, before storming Amazon Headquarters with his revolutionary forces. “The machine of capitalism is oiled with the blood of workers no more. Now we advance on JP Morgan!”
The situation has come as no surprise to the former Fox News hosts now serving our life sentences in the gulags, who had predicted this outcome all along. “You all thought it was hyperbole” explained the hosts while smashing rocks in the Alaskan permafrost, “how could you not have foreseen this exact outcome from a boring moderate who has been in elected office for 40 years.”
“It’s exactly how it went in Russia and China. First some geriatric tries to implement single payer healthcare, and next think you know, boom – full blown communism. Oldest trick in the book.”


thechaser--2020-11-09--Confused Giuliani holds press conference inside a Four Seasons condom

The Trump campaign has today once again bungled their latest press conference booking , after a confused Rudi Giuliani accidentally booked his next press conference inside a Four Seasons condom .
“ Hrm let me see here , ” Giuliani was heard muttering as he googled Google on his iPad , “ ah here we go Four Seasons , and I think hmm yes we ’ ll need to book an ‘ extra large ’ for more room , so I ’ ll just click on that .
Do I want the ribbed option ?
Hmm , sure why not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be peckish around then , and I ’ d never turn down free ribs .
And order placed , excellent it says my condo should be available in 1-2 days on the corner of 5th and 6th .
There that wasn ’ t so hard.
” However hours later a frantic White House press team was forced to retract their statement that Giuliani was to appear at the Four Seasons Hotel Condo , instead that Giuliani will be appearing at the post office where his package was due to arrive .
“ We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stuffed up , we ’ ll just have to roll with it , ” Giuliani was heard screaming , as he fumbled with the packet .
“ Quick , someone pull this over my head.
” “ Tph mplecmp wm wrmphp , ” Giuliani told the press minutes later , before collapsing from asphyxiation .

The Trump campaign has today once again bungled their latest press conference booking, after a confused Rudi Giuliani accidentally booked his next press conference inside a Four Seasons condom.
“Hrm let me see here,” Giuliani was heard muttering as he googled Google on his iPad, “ah here we go Four Seasons, and I think hmm yes we’ll need to book an ‘extra large’ for more room, so I’ll just click on that. Do I want the ribbed option? Hmm, sure why not I’m sure we’ll be peckish around then, and I’d never turn down free ribs. And order placed, excellent it says my condo should be available in 1-2 days on the corner of 5th and 6th. There that wasn’t so hard.”
However hours later a frantic White House press team was forced to retract their statement that Giuliani was to appear at the Four Seasons Hotel Condo, instead that Giuliani will be appearing at the post office where his package was due to arrive. “We can’t let them know we stuffed up, we’ll just have to roll with it,” Giuliani was heard screaming, as he fumbled with the packet. “Quick, someone pull this over my head.”
“Tph mplecmp wm wrmphp,” Giuliani told the press minutes later, before collapsing from asphyxiation.


thechaser--2020-11-09--Trump team reveal new spokesperson Paris Hilton after booking mixup

The Trump team has today conceded defeat in the 2020 election , stating that there is no longer any clear path to victory for Donald Trump .
Speaking to the press via their new official spokeswoman Paris Hilton , team Trump announced their farewell party would be held at The White House candle emporium in Delaware , after a slight mixup in venue bookings .
However , members of the press expressed confusion at the announcement , with CNN asking why exactly Trump had suddenly replaced Kayleigh McEnany as the official spokesperson .
“ All I know is they called @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Paris Hilton , ” explained Paris , “ though I ’ ll admit I ’ m a bit confused about why they wanted to know my capacity.
” However , leaks inside the White House have revealed that the Trump team didn ’ t want Paris Hilton at all , instead having attempted to book the Hilton in Paris , Texas for a conference .
“ God fucking , fuck , I did it again !
” Rudi Giuliani was heard shouting , as he booked a Mitsubishi fridge to take him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t understand why we lost .
”

The Trump team has today conceded defeat in the 2020 election, stating that there is no longer any clear path to victory for Donald Trump. Speaking to the press via their new official spokeswoman Paris Hilton, team Trump announced their farewell party would be held at The White House candle emporium in Delaware, after a slight mixup in venue bookings.
However, members of the press expressed confusion at the announcement, with CNN asking why exactly Trump had suddenly replaced Kayleigh McEnany as the official spokesperson. “All I know is they called up and asked if they could book the Paris Hilton,” explained Paris, “though I’ll admit I’m a bit confused about why they wanted to know my capacity.”
However, leaks inside the White House have revealed that the Trump team didn’t want Paris Hilton at all, instead having attempted to book the Hilton in Paris, Texas for a conference. “God fucking, fuck, I did it again!” Rudi Giuliani was heard shouting, as he booked a Mitsubishi fridge to take him to the airport. “I really don’t understand why we lost.”


thechaser--2020-11-09--Comrade Biden seen driving a tank to Wall Street

Marxist revolutionary and moderate Democrat Che Biden has today been spotted leading a motorcade of armed vehicles to Wall Street @ @ @ @ @ latest escalation in the revolutionary war being waged by his socialist collective on America ’ @ @ @ @ @ molotov cocktails through the windows of banks and finance firms as he progressed down the @ @ @ @ @ calling out to passers-by on the street to rise up and seize the means of @ @ @ @ @ of goods and services from the nearest retailer .
“ We will be bringing about @ @ @ @ @ , though the slow and incremental march of bureaucratic box checking , ” Biden was @ @ @ @ @ rapturous cheers of applause .
“ Our Marxist utopia arrives today , just as soon @ @ @ @ @ meeting with my billionaire donors .
”

Marxist revolutionary and moderate Democrat Che Biden has today been spotted leading a motorcade of armed vehicles to Wall Street, in what is the latest escalation in the revolutionary war being waged by his socialist collective on America’s capitalist oppressors. Throwing molotov cocktails through the windows of banks and finance firms as he progressed down the street, Biden was heard calling out to passers-by on the street to rise up and seize the means of production, via the purchase of goods and services from the nearest retailer.
“We will be bringing about the revolution today and now, though the slow and incremental march of bureaucratic box checking,” Biden was heard to tell followers to rapturous cheers of applause. “Our Marxist utopia arrives today, just as soon as I’m done meeting with my billionaire donors.”


thechaser--2020-11-09--Muslim Latina woman sorry to hear Trump voters feel a bit worried by Biden

It ’ s been one day since the US election , and many Trump voters have already stressed the unbelieved hardship they are going through at the hands of a slightly different old white man winning the elections .
Expressing sympathy for the nation ’ s bigots , members of the Black , Latin American , Asian , LGBTQ+ , Disabled , and Muslim communities have stepped up to lend these victims a hand in dealing with the oppression of not being able to oppress people as openly anymore .
“ It is so scary for white people in America @ @ @ @ @ @ @ black woman while keeping a lookout for police who might shoot her for no reason .
“ I mean it must be horrifying for them to have to see a president go through an entire speech without attacking at least one minority group.
” “ America was founded by people who fled religious persecution , and under Biden that persecution seems like it will return .
Obviously by ‘ persecution ’ I mean not being able to use the government to actively persecute others , but still it must be terrifying.
” We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s like being one of the most discriminated groups in the history of man kind , and how they want people to empathise with them .
“ No one gets what it ’ s like to be judged just for voting for a racist fascist.
” he told us , insulting his mother for getting his lunch wrong .
“ I really wish people would stop calling me a racist , don ’ t people how much words like that hurt ?
”

It’s been one day since the US election, and many Trump voters have already stressed the unbelieved hardship they are going through at the hands of a slightly different old white man winning the elections. Expressing sympathy for the nation’s bigots, members of the Black, Latin American, Asian, LGBTQ+, Disabled, and Muslim communities have stepped up to lend these victims a hand in dealing with the oppression of not being able to oppress people as openly anymore.
“It is so scary for white people in America at the moment,” said a black woman while keeping a lookout for police who might shoot her for no reason. “I mean it must be horrifying for them to have to see a president go through an entire speech without attacking at least one minority group.”
“America was founded by people who fled religious persecution, and under Biden that persecution seems like it will return. Obviously by ‘persecution’ I mean not being able to use the government to actively persecute others, but still it must be terrifying.”
We spoke to a Trump voter about what it’s like being one of the most discriminated groups in the history of man kind, and how they want people to empathise with them. “No one gets what it’s like to be judged just for voting for a racist fascist.” he told us, insulting his mother for getting his lunch wrong. “I really wish people would stop calling me a racist, don’t people how much words like that hurt?”


thechaser--2020-11-09--Confused Trump team book rally in the Tina Arena

A confused Tina Arena has today accepted $ 10,000 to host a 5000 person rally in her backyard , after Rudi Giuliani mistook her for a football stadium .
“ Yes , I uh… guess I can host that ?
” said Arena peering out her window at her backyard , “ and how many lawn chairs do you think that would require ?
” However , only minutes later a frantic Giuliani was forced to call back to try to cancel the booking , after realising that he had accidentally booked a suburban Australian house to hold his rally @ @ @ @ @ @ @ deposit ’ s already been taken ?
” shouted Guiliani , “ Look fine , forget it we ’ ll just go ahead then , and what suburb of Melbourne is this in ?
” The news is just the latest in a string of stuff-ups by Giuliani , who has recently been best by a string of accidental bookings .
“ Unfortunately I ’ m going to a bit late to the next conference at the Paris Hilton , ” Rudi told staffers , “ I thought I ’ d booked a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve just booked a DVD box set of some TV series .
I ’ ll have to Uber it instead – how many burger deliveries do you think I ’ ll need to get there ?
”

A confused Tina Arena has today accepted $10,000 to host a 5000 person rally in her backyard, after Rudi Giuliani mistook her for a football stadium. “Yes, I uh… guess I can host that?” said Arena peering out her window at her backyard, “and how many lawn chairs do you think that would require?”
However, only minutes later a frantic Giuliani was forced to call back to try to cancel the booking, after realising that he had accidentally booked a suburban Australian house to hold his rally. “What do you mean the deposit’s already been taken?” shouted Guiliani, “Look fine, forget it we’ll just go ahead then, and what suburb of Melbourne is this in?”
The news is just the latest in a string of stuff-ups by Giuliani, who has recently been best by a string of accidental bookings. “Unfortunately I’m going to a bit late to the next conference at the Paris Hilton,” Rudi told staffers, “I thought I’d booked a Pan Am flight, but apparently I’ve just booked a DVD box set of some TV series. I’ll have to Uber it instead – how many burger deliveries do you think I’ll need to get there?”


thechaser--2020-11-09--Republicans begin long search for the absolute worst person to nominate in 2024

The Republican party have today put out a call to all Americans to put forward the very worst person they know , to help in the search for the next Republican candidate for President in 2024 .
“ We ’ re looking for someone completely detestable , absolutely scum , ” said one excited recruiter today .
“ Someone that makes Nixon look like a saint by comparison.
” The move is just the latest in a long tradition of the Republican party finding increasingly terrible candidates in order to make people forget how bad the last one was .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ was the worst President the US will ever see ?
Notice how everyone wants him back now ?
Mission accomplished.
” “ In the 70s it was Nixon , that speaks for itself .
But it ’ s funny to think that back in the 80s Reagan was the worst candidate we could find – a Hollywood actor suffering from dementia who ignored the AIDS epidemic – he seems almost competent by today ’ s standards .
Then came the first Bush , who was voted out by the end of his first @ @ @ @ @ @ @ disliked we decided to run his bumbling idiot son for the next round , who catapulted us into two unending wars and stuffed up a hurricane response , which really made it hard to find someone worse .
In the end we just went with the classics again – a TV actor who ignored a plague , but with a bit of Bush idiocy thrown in to mix things up.
” Current rumoured candidates for the Republican nomination include famed white supremacist Tucker “ They ’ re coming for you ” Carlson , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and the still somehow active twitter account of COVID denier who died of COVID , Herman Cain .

The Republican party have today put out a call to all Americans to put forward the very worst person they know, to help in the search for the next Republican candidate for President in 2024. “We’re looking for someone completely detestable, absolutely scum,” said one excited recruiter today. “Someone that makes Nixon look like a saint by comparison.”
The move is just the latest in a long tradition of the Republican party finding increasingly terrible candidates in order to make people forget how bad the last one was. “Remember when people though Bush Jr was the worst President the US will ever see? Notice how everyone wants him back now? Mission accomplished.”
“In the 70s it was Nixon, that speaks for itself. But it’s funny to think that back in the 80s Reagan was the worst candidate we could find – a Hollywood actor suffering from dementia who ignored the AIDS epidemic – he seems almost competent by today’s standards. Then came the first Bush, who was voted out by the end of his first term he was so disliked. So disliked we decided to run his bumbling idiot son for the next round, who catapulted us into two unending wars and stuffed up a hurricane response, which really made it hard to find someone worse. In the end we just went with the classics again – a TV actor who ignored a plague, but with a bit of Bush idiocy thrown in to mix things up.”
Current rumoured candidates for the Republican nomination include famed white supremacist Tucker “They’re coming for you” Carlson, the guy who played Kramer on Seinfeld, and the still somehow active twitter account of COVID denier who died of COVID, Herman Cain.


thechaser--2020-11-10--PM denies misogyny – “I never interrupted Tony when he was Minister for Women”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today denied a culture of misogyny in the Australian parliament , stating that he had conducted a thorough review and hadn ’ t received a single complaint .
“ I spoke over hundreds of women , ” explained Scott Morrison during Michaelia Cash ’ s press conference , “ and not once did I hear them say anything about sexism while I was telling them there isn ’ t a problem.
” “ Look I just had to interrupt here , the clearly biggest and most pressing issue right now is the use of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ think many women might not even realise that , ” explained Morrison .
“ Look we encourage women to speak up if they feel uncomfortable .
The ladies know we are always happy to sit down with them at a nice restaurant while they tell us whats worrying their pretty little heads.
” Morrison says he even went so far as to contact the former Minister for Women , Tony Abbott , to get his feeling on the topic , and Tony absolutely agreed that “ the chicks have it pretty good these @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to stand up for women , even against women .
Remember back when Tony inspired Gillard to make the misogyny speech ?
Plus we don ’ t need to waste women ’ s time by asking them what they think .
They ’ re busy people you know ?
Just ask any of their husbands .
”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today denied a culture of misogyny in the Australian parliament, stating that he had conducted a thorough review and hadn’t received a single complaint. “I spoke over hundreds of women,” explained Scott Morrison during Michaelia Cash’s press conference, “and not once did I hear them say anything about sexism while I was telling them there isn’t a problem.”
“Look I just had to interrupt here, the clearly biggest and most pressing issue right now is the use of the phrase ‘bonk ban’ and I think many women might not even realise that,” explained Morrison. “Look we encourage women to speak up if they feel uncomfortable. The ladies know we are always happy to sit down with them at a nice restaurant while they tell us whats worrying their pretty little heads.”
Morrison says he even went so far as to contact the former Minister for Women, Tony Abbott, to get his feeling on the topic, and Tony absolutely agreed that “the chicks have it pretty good these days.”
“We are always ready to stand up for women, even against women. Remember back when Tony inspired Gillard to make the misogyny speech? Plus we don’t need to waste women’s time by asking them what they think. They’re busy people you know? Just ask any of their husbands.”


thechaser--2020-11-10--Guy with dementia in basement rigs 75m votes, reports Fox

Fox News host and man who looks perpetually backed-up Tucker Carlson has today condemned Joe Biden as being a sleepy basement dwelling dementia patient who also masterminded the greatest case of vote rigging the world has ever seen .
“ You guys can trust me on this , I have the highest rated news show in America because I am trusted to deliver the truth !
” said the host who told a court that his show isn ’ t a news program and no one would ever confuse what he says as facts .
“ Criminal mastermind sleepy Joe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ brain to steal this election from you , the people .
This is really happening and you should be worried.
” “ Not only that , remember people his dementia makes him clearly not smart enough to lead this country , but he is smart enough to rig the election .
Do you really want someone competent enough to rig 75 million votes across 50 states in charge of things like the response to COVID ?
I didn ’ t think so.
” “ But thats not all , it will start with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will rig your kid ’ s school ’ s class president elections using Hunter Biden ’ s laptop , and make all the kids take vaccines and hate Jesus !
Dementia ridden holograms are known for hating Jesus , do you know one personally who loves Jesus ?
Also by the way he ’ s a hologram for some reason .
A dementia suffering sleepy hologram who has stolen this election .
It just makes sense doesn ’ t it ?
”

Fox News host and man who looks perpetually backed-up Tucker Carlson has today condemned Joe Biden as being a sleepy basement dwelling dementia patient who also masterminded the greatest case of vote rigging the world has ever seen.
“You guys can trust me on this, I have the highest rated news show in America because I am trusted to deliver the truth!” said the host who told a court that his show isn’t a news program and no one would ever confuse what he says as facts. “Criminal mastermind sleepy Joe Biden is using his dementia ridden non-existent brain to steal this election from you, the people. This is really happening and you should be worried.”
“Not only that, remember people his dementia makes him clearly not smart enough to lead this country, but he is smart enough to rig the election. Do you really want someone competent enough to rig 75 million votes across 50 states in charge of things like the response to COVID? I didn’t think so.”
“But thats not all, it will start with Starbucks, but what next? He will rig your kid’s school’s class president elections using Hunter Biden’s laptop, and make all the kids take vaccines and hate Jesus! Dementia ridden holograms are known for hating Jesus, do you know one personally who loves Jesus? Also by the way he’s a hologram for some reason. A dementia suffering sleepy hologram who has stolen this election. It just makes sense doesn’t it?”


thechaser--2020-11-10--Doctors amazed as local man miraculously regrows spine

Doctors at RPA hospital have today expressed shock and alarm after discovering one of their patients had regrown their spine overnight .
The formerly spineless patient , known only by the pseudonym M. Turnbull had reportedly been suffering from a lack of backbone for years , following a bad fall in the polls that left him bending over backwards at even the slightest change of winds .
“ When I turned on the TV last night I was flabbergasted , ” explained one doctor for Mr Turnbull .
“ I couldn ’ t believe my eyes – there sitting right @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one patient , suddenly sitting upright all under his own volition .
This is the most miraculous recovery since my other patient K. Rudd was cured of murdochitis earlier this year.
” However , the recovery is expected to be shortlived , with goons for Rupert Murdoch already having been deployed to break Mr Turnbull ’ s legs instead for the outburst .
“ That ’ s a nice set of opinions you ’ ve got there , ” said one standing outside Mr Turnbull ’ s point piper mansion .
“ Be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a propaganda campaign against you to make you retract your views .
Hey wait , no come back , you ’ re supposed to be scared of us .
Fuck .
Alright plan B , let ’ s stomp on his marigolds .
”

Doctors at RPA hospital have today expressed shock and alarm after discovering one of their patients had regrown their spine overnight. The formerly spineless patient, known only by the pseudonym M. Turnbull had reportedly been suffering from a lack of backbone for years, following a bad fall in the polls that left him bending over backwards at even the slightest change of winds.
“When I turned on the TV last night I was flabbergasted,” explained one doctor for Mr Turnbull. “I couldn’t believe my eyes – there sitting right in front of me was my number one patient, suddenly sitting upright all under his own volition. This is the most miraculous recovery since my other patient K. Rudd was cured of murdochitis earlier this year.”
However, the recovery is expected to be shortlived, with goons for Rupert Murdoch already having been deployed to break Mr Turnbull’s legs instead for the outburst. “That’s a nice set of opinions you’ve got there,” said one standing outside Mr Turnbull’s point piper mansion. “Be a shame if someone were to run a propaganda campaign against you to make you retract your views. Hey wait, no come back, you’re supposed to be scared of us. Fuck. Alright plan B, let’s stomp on his marigolds.”


thechaser--2020-11-11--PM says he is too busy ignoring sexual misconduct to find time to care about NAIDOC week

With NAIDOC week in full swing many Australian workplaces are working to acknowledge and celebrate Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people , in ways that really should be the bare minimum all year round .
The Australian Government however has been ignoring the week entirely , with the only mention so far being when they voted down flying the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander flags .
Prime Minister Morrison has denied assertions that he is ignoring the yearly event , saying “ I am way too busy ignoring the sexual misconduct and abuse of power by my ministers to have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ week to make the decision to ignore it.
” “ Look Sorry , the thing is our government has a lot to deal with at the moment and we are just far too busy , ” said the PM on the way to Bunnings .
“ I know it is tradition around here to pretend to care about Indigenous peoples during NAIDOC week but I already have a lot of things to pretend to care about but ultimately ignore at the moment .
Between the Bonk Ban , climate change , those who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ refugees we have locked up , I just don ’ t have the time to add something else I don ’ t care about.
” “ Anyway , I don ’ t see why we need to give them an entire week .
What , we are supposed to be proud of them and their rich heritage and culture for a full 7 days out of 365 ?
That seems like a lot of time we aren ’ t praising white heroes like Alan Jones or Captain Cook .
I am all for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but not at the expense of the white people I love .
I think we should just go back to celebrating Indigenous culture only when we have international guests and media attention , and use them to make us look more accepting and cool than we actually are .
”

With NAIDOC week in full swing many Australian workplaces are working to acknowledge and celebrate Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people, in ways that really should be the bare minimum all year round. The Australian Government however has been ignoring the week entirely, with the only mention so far being when they voted down flying the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander flags. Prime Minister Morrison has denied assertions that he is ignoring the yearly event, saying “I am way too busy ignoring the sexual misconduct and abuse of power by my ministers to have the time to care enough about NAIDOC week to make the decision to ignore it.”
“Look Sorry, the thing is our government has a lot to deal with at the moment and we are just far too busy,” said the PM on the way to Bunnings. “I know it is tradition around here to pretend to care about Indigenous peoples during NAIDOC week but I already have a lot of things to pretend to care about but ultimately ignore at the moment. Between the Bonk Ban, climate change, those who are unemployed due to the pandemic and refugees we have locked up, I just don’t have the time to add something else I don’t care about.”
“Anyway, I don’t see why we need to give them an entire week. What, we are supposed to be proud of them and their rich heritage and culture for a full 7 days out of 365? That seems like a lot of time we aren’t praising white heroes like Alan Jones or Captain Cook. I am all for more conversation and effort supporting Indigenous people but not at the expense of the white people I love. I think we should just go back to celebrating Indigenous culture only when we have international guests and media attention, and use them to make us look more accepting and cool than we actually are.”


thechaser--2020-11-11--Trump retires to spend exactly the same amount of time playing golf

Donald Trump is looking forward to spending exactly the same amount of time on the golf course after he relinquishes @ @ @ @ @ sources within the White House who haven ’ t seen the President in weeks .
@ @ @ @ @ , especially the sand traps , ” explained Trump .
“ I ’ m looking @ @ @ @ @ I have next just as much as I have ignored this one , as I @ @ @ @ @ that , despite all the hours I ’ ve put in , I am still @ @ @ @ @ Trump revealed that he was looking forward to playing with ordinary white collar criminals again @ @ @ @ @ heads of state .
“ When you ’ re president everybody just wants something from @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Like a signature on a birthday card for your son , or a @ @ @ @ @ interview question.
” The former casino operator added that he is looking forward to spending @ @ @ @ @ .

Donald Trump is looking forward to spending exactly the same amount of time on the golf course after he relinquishes the presidency, according to sources within the White House who haven’t seen the President in weeks.
“Being president was tough, especially the sand traps,” explained Trump. “I’m looking forward to ignoring whatever job I have next just as much as I have ignored this one, as I continue to play a game that, despite all the hours I’ve put in, I am still not very good at.”
Trump revealed that he was looking forward to playing with ordinary white collar criminals again, instead of politicians and heads of state. “When you’re president everybody just wants something from you,” he said. “Like a signature on a birthday card for your son, or a cogent response to a basic interview question.”
The former casino operator added that he is looking forward to spending less time with his family.


thechaser--2020-11-11--PM “too busy” ignoring sexual misconduct to find time for NAIDOC week


thechaser--2020-11-12--Trump takes election to ‘highest court’ in a special episode of Judge Judy

Broke loser Donald Trump has today announced he will continue pursuing his fight against being evicted from government housing , by taking the case to the ‘ highest court in the land ’ , in a special crossover episode of Judge Judy .
The decision to take the suit to Judge Judy for small claims arbitration was reportedly Trump ’ s himself , who says Judge Judy is the most qualified Judge he ’ s ever seen on TV .
A transcript of the episode has already leaked online : Announcer : Welcome to an extra special episode of Judge @ @ @ @ @ @ @ alleged secret emails , racism , violent threats , fraud , tax evasion and even some incest .
The cases are real .
The rulings are final .
This is Judge Judy .
Announcer : Plaintiff Donald J Trump is suing his former employer , Democracy , for alleged slander surrounding claims he lost the US election , the unlawful eviction of him and his family without the real paperwork , as well as allegedly stealing his election .
He is also suing fluorescent lights for making him look orange , President Obama @ @ @ @ @ @ @ golf course for making him play over par with corrupt golf clubs , the Fox News host that called Arizona for Biden , his mother for only giving him two scoops of ice-cream instead of three when he was five years old , China for not telling him that the virus they closed their country for was dangerous , middle class women for not liking him , and his own hair for making him look like an idiot .
Judge Judy : Mr Donald , it is your claim that the defendant owes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ White House ’ , is that correct ?
Donald J Trump : Democracy teamed up with sleepy Joe to attack me and my family , it was very rude .
People are saying , very very smart people , and you know many of them , they say to me , and you know I went to a very good school , very good school , top in the country , Biden did too but you know when you ’ re a liberal they ’ ll let anyone in , but they did @ @ @ @ @ @ @ heard them , when they heard someone like me , good background , very nice family , but not from the right side of town you know , but I did very well , ask anyone , top of my class… Judge Judy : No No No , No No NO !
Enough !
Stop talking and answer my question !
Do you understand , or are you too stupid to understand how this works ?
This isn ’ t an audition !
The show isn ’ t about you , this is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it , I ’ m suing Judge Judy .
Someone get my lawyer .
Where ’ s Rudi ?
What do you mean he ’ s at Judy ’ s Gardening Emporium !
?

Broke loser Donald Trump has today announced he will continue pursuing his fight against being evicted from government housing, by taking the case to the ‘highest court in the land’, in a special crossover episode of Judge Judy. The decision to take the suit to Judge Judy for small claims arbitration was reportedly Trump’s himself, who says Judge Judy is the most qualified Judge he’s ever seen on TV.
A transcript of the episode has already leaked online:
Announcer: Welcome to an extra special episode of Judge Judy featuring some truly shocking turns including alleged secret emails, racism, violent threats, fraud, tax evasion and even some incest. The cases are real. The rulings are final. This is Judge Judy.
Announcer: Plaintiff Donald J Trump is suing his former employer, Democracy, for alleged slander surrounding claims he lost the US election, the unlawful eviction of him and his family without the real paperwork, as well as allegedly stealing his election. He is also suing fluorescent lights for making him look orange, President Obama for being born in Kenya, his golf course for making him play over par with corrupt golf clubs, the Fox News host that called Arizona for Biden, his mother for only giving him two scoops of ice-cream instead of three when he was five years old, China for not telling him that the virus they closed their country for was dangerous, middle class women for not liking him, and his own hair for making him look like an idiot.
Judge Judy: Mr Donald, it is your claim that the defendant owes you for evicting him from the ‘White House’, is that correct?
Donald J Trump: Democracy teamed up with sleepy Joe to attack me and my family, it was very rude. People are saying, very very smart people, and you know many of them, they say to me, and you know I went to a very good school, very good school, top in the country, Biden did too but you know when you’re a liberal they’ll let anyone in, but they did a number, oh you should have heard them, when they heard someone like me, good background, very nice family, but not from the right side of town you know, but I did very well, ask anyone, top of my class…
Judge Judy: No No No, No No NO! Enough! Stop talking and answer my question! Do you understand, or are you too stupid to understand how this works? This isn’t an audition! The show isn’t about you, this is my show!
Trump: That does it, I’m suing Judge Judy. Someone get my lawyer. Where’s Rudi? What do you mean he’s at Judy’s Gardening Emporium!?


thechaser--2020-11-13--Concerned Credlin warns viewers ‘gullible’ has been taken out of dictionary

Sky News ’ Peta Credlin has solemnly informed her audience that the word ‘ gullible ’ has been removed from @ @ @ @ @ tipped off by an anonymous source .
The presenter led with the story on her @ @ @ @ @ Australia ’ s 78th most viewed news show .
Speaking to camera and frequently using @ @ @ @ @ “ This is yet another example of the “ woke stasi ” picking on a @ @ @ @ @ no negative connotations to the average Australian – and infusing it with some magical , @ @ @ @ @ now , it ’ s gone .
Forever .
For us , and for future @ @ @ @ @ nothing less than historical revisionism.
” “ What ’ s more , it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ you are “ gullible ” – and yes I ’ m still going to say @ @ @ @ @ that you get.
” Credlin followed up the exclusive with a story about how if @ @ @ @ @ your face you may have cancer .

Concerned Credlin warns viewers ‘gullible’ has been taken out of dictionary
Sky News’ Peta Credlin has solemnly informed her audience that the word ‘gullible’ has been removed from the dictionary, after being tipped off by an anonymous source. The presenter led with the story on her ‘Credlin’ segment of Australia’s 78th most viewed news show.
Speaking to camera and frequently using air quotes, Credlin said “This is yet another example of the “woke stasi” picking on a word – one that has no negative connotations to the average Australian – and infusing it with some magical, offence-giving quality.”
“And now, it’s gone. Forever. For us, and for future generations. It’s nothing less than historical revisionism.”
“What’s more, it’s a useful word. If you are “gullible” – and yes I’m still going to say it – you deserve everything that you get.”
Credlin followed up the exclusive with a story about how if your hand was bigger than your face you may have cancer.


thechaser--2020-11-13--Government that ‘can’t afford the ABC’ gives $10m to Foxtel for literally no reason

Prime Minister and guy who blows money like a teenager who just got their first paycheque , Scott Morrison , has today come under fire yet again for giving millions of dollars to Foxtel , only this time with no plan from Foxtel on how they will use it .
$ 10 million was given to a company run by mates of the government with no actual expectation on returns in a deal that many experts are calling ‘ typical for this government ’ .
“ How else are Foxtel supposed to get money if not from the government ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ t afford to give any money to the ABC to reimburse them for the life-saving bushfire coverage .
“ I fail to see what the problem is .
The ABC has enough money , they are dominate in the small corner of the media that isn ’ t owned by NewsCorp .
Foxtel might not have a plan on how to spend it , but that doesn ’ t mean we shouldn ’ t give it to them .
You see , Foxtel reaches almost 2 million wealthy Australian homes , while the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ million people .
Clearly Foxtel has the greater need.
” “ Besides I don ’ t see what the big fuss is about .
How is this any different to the Sydney Airport deal , the water deal , or basically any other deal our government has made ?
On an unrelated note , does anyone know how much 4Corners costs ?
I might need to make some last minute budget adjustments .
”

Prime Minister and guy who blows money like a teenager who just got their first paycheque, Scott Morrison, has today come under fire yet again for giving millions of dollars to Foxtel, only this time with no plan from Foxtel on how they will use it. $10 million was given to a company run by mates of the government with no actual expectation on returns in a deal that many experts are calling ‘typical for this government’.
“How else are Foxtel supposed to get money if not from the government?” asked Morrison who previously couldn’t afford to give any money to the ABC to reimburse them for the life-saving bushfire coverage. “I fail to see what the problem is. The ABC has enough money, they are dominate in the small corner of the media that isn’t owned by NewsCorp. Foxtel might not have a plan on how to spend it, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t give it to them. You see, Foxtel reaches almost 2 million wealthy Australian homes, while the ABC only broadcasts to a small 24 million people. Clearly Foxtel has the greater need.”
“Besides I don’t see what the big fuss is about. How is this any different to the Sydney Airport deal, the water deal, or basically any other deal our government has made? On an unrelated note, does anyone know how much 4Corners costs? I might need to make some last minute budget adjustments.”


thechaser--2020-11-16--Sunrise rushes to book Pete Evans following his neo-nazi post

Breakfast TV show that experts recommend to refrain from eating while watching , Sunrise , has today reportedly reached out to former network star chef Pete Evans to offer him a spot as a guest panelist , following his Instagram post featuring a neo-nazi symbol .
“ We sincerely apologise to Pete Evans for previously kicking him off the network , ” said Samantha Armytage addressing the viewers of the show after ranting about how the national anthem is too inclusive of Aboriginal people .
“ The network felt it necessary to end our partnership due the dangerous claims he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we had no idea he was also a white supremacist !
If he had said that , we would have booked him way more and let them say whatever he likes !
” “ It is important to hear from racists , not because we agree with them , but umm.. because giving racists a platform helps reduce their message ?
I ’ m mean sure it has literally never worked before and ended up getting Pauline Hanson elected back into parliament , but it does get good ratings so it clearly is @ @ @ @ @ @

Breakfast TV show that experts recommend to refrain from eating while watching, Sunrise, has today reportedly reached out to former network star chef Pete Evans to offer him a spot as a guest panelist, following his Instagram post featuring a neo-nazi symbol.
“We sincerely apologise to Pete Evans for previously kicking him off the network,” said Samantha Armytage addressing the viewers of the show after ranting about how the national anthem is too inclusive of Aboriginal people. “The network felt it necessary to end our partnership due the dangerous claims he was making about the paleo diet, we had no idea he was also a white supremacist! If he had said that, we would have booked him way more and let them say whatever he likes!”
“It is important to hear from racists, not because we agree with them, but umm.. because giving racists a platform helps reduce their message? I’m mean sure it has literally never worked before and ended up getting Pauline Hanson elected back into parliament, but it does get good ratings so it clearly is for the greater good.”


thechaser--2020-11-16--Morrison announces he has begun helping Biden with Covid by ordering his ticket to Hawaii

Prime Minister and man keeping the lights on at Bunnings , Scott Morrison , has today announced he has begun his work helping President elect Biden in his plans to fight the coronavirus when he takes office , assuming he doesn ’ t die of old age before then .
According to Mr Morrison he has already taken a crucial step in crisis management by purchasing a ticket so he can fuck off to Hawaii .
“ I just want to start this by saying Aloha to our friends in America , I am trilled to be heading over there @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” said Morrison while interrupting Kamala Harris during her speech to announce the partnership .
“ I am excited to come and visit America , mainly Hawaii but still America none the less .
How great is leadership ?
” “ I have already given the President elect some great tips on how our country has been handling crises .
Like when lots of people are in scared and in danger , as a leader you need to be able to step up and order the right coconut shell cocktail to sip @ @ @ @ @ @ @ those problems.
” “ For advice more specific to coronavirus , I have told him to do what I did .
Which was let the states do all the work and take credit for what works and blame everything else on states whose leaders are in opposition parties .
”

Prime Minister and man keeping the lights on at Bunnings, Scott Morrison, has today announced he has begun his work helping President elect Biden in his plans to fight the coronavirus when he takes office, assuming he doesn’t die of old age before then. According to Mr Morrison he has already taken a crucial step in crisis management by purchasing a ticket so he can fuck off to Hawaii.
“I just want to start this by saying Aloha to our friends in America, I am trilled to be heading over there to show off my brand of leadership,” said Morrison while interrupting Kamala Harris during her speech to announce the partnership. “I am excited to come and visit America, mainly Hawaii but still America none the less. How great is leadership?”
“I have already given the President elect some great tips on how our country has been handling crises. Like when lots of people are in scared and in danger, as a leader you need to be able to step up and order the right coconut shell cocktail to sip on the beach to help you ignore those problems.”
“For advice more specific to coronavirus, I have told him to do what I did. Which was let the states do all the work and take credit for what works and blame everything else on states whose leaders are in opposition parties.”
“Also you’ve gotta increase coal mines. That step is essential.”


thechaser--2020-11-16--Former Apprentice host unveiled as the new Biggest Loser

Donald Trump has today declared himself the winner of The Biggest Loser 2020 , despite the series not having yet aired , after the President was recruited by TV executives for the upcoming season .
“ Yes , we realise he ’ s a bit of an unconventional pick , but we couldn ’ t not have him in the show , ” explained the producers , “ we ’ ve never seen a loser this big before , he ’ s like the rain man of losers.
” Asked how they see Donald doing during the competition , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it would be unlikely he would lose any weight .
“ We did a test run last week and he actually gained 10 kilos , then accused the scales of bias – all while he was eating a bucket of KFC .
But we can always fix it in post – everyone knows reality TV isn ’ t real , take the apprentice for example , remember how they somehow convinced everyone that the host was a successful business man when he was a multi-bankrupt conman who was in debt up to his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to that guy ?
”

Donald Trump has today declared himself the winner of The Biggest Loser 2020, despite the series not having yet aired, after the President was recruited by TV executives for the upcoming season.
“Yes, we realise he’s a bit of an unconventional pick, but we couldn’t not have him in the show,” explained the producers, “we’ve never seen a loser this big before, he’s like the rain man of losers.”
Asked how they see Donald doing during the competition, the show’s creators said they thought it would be unlikely he would lose any weight. “We did a test run last week and he actually gained 10 kilos, then accused the scales of bias – all while he was eating a bucket of KFC. But we can always fix it in post – everyone knows reality TV isn’t real, take the apprentice for example, remember how they somehow convinced everyone that the host was a successful business man when he was a multi-bankrupt conman who was in debt up to his eyeballs. I wonder what ever happened to that guy?”


thechaser--2020-11-17--Historians admit they missed ‘Harry Styles wears dress’ in the Communist Manifesto

Historians have been left stumped and embarrassed after realising they somehow missed the section of the Communist Manifesto where Karl Marx discusses plans for Harry Styles to wear a dress .
Historians around the globe have announced today their shock that they not only missed this detail of the 40 page document , but every other thing that right-wing pundits have declared ‘ Marxism ’ recently are in fact in the famed document .
“ It ’ s astonishing , I don ’ t understand how he knew all this ?
” said one historian stunned that a document from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ future .
“ This begs so many questions .
How is there a whole section that we missed ?
How did he know that Style ’ s life would mean he wouldn ’ t do it until now ?
What use does a singer wearing a dress even serve Communism ?
Did Marx ship Larry ?
There is so much to unpack here !
” “ I know you always hear the Ben Shapiros and Andrew Bolts of the world calling basically everything ‘ Marxism ’ , claiming they have spent months and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I have always shrugged them off because well , Bolt ’ s so regularly wrong you can almost set your watch by it.
” “ But it ’ s all here : ‘ Voting for Obama will cause communism ’ , ‘ Voting for Biden will cause communism ’ , ‘ Listening to doctors during a pandemic will cause communism ’ , ‘ stopping a carbon induced apocalypse will cause communism ’ , and ‘ being against police using the power of the state to murder people is communism ’ .
It also @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to see a young latino former bartender elected into office and give everyone healthcare .
It ’ s just like Fox News warned.
” “ There has been a lot of debate about which system is best , but if this guy was able to accurately predict and plan the events of the world to this level of certainty , it ’ s clear he knows what he is talking about .
These guys claim Marxism is a religious cult , does anyone know if that is true ?
Because I want to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ god with this kind of foresight .
”

Historians have been left stumped and embarrassed after realising they somehow missed the section of the Communist Manifesto where Karl Marx discusses plans for Harry Styles to wear a dress. Historians around the globe have announced today their shock that they not only missed this detail of the 40 page document, but every other thing that right-wing pundits have declared ‘Marxism’ recently are in fact in the famed document.
“It’s astonishing, I don’t understand how he knew all this?” said one historian stunned that a document from 1848 managed to so specifically predict the future. “This begs so many questions. How is there a whole section that we missed? How did he know that Style’s life would mean he wouldn’t do it until now? What use does a singer wearing a dress even serve Communism? Did Marx ship Larry? There is so much to unpack here!”
“I know you always hear the Ben Shapiros and Andrew Bolts of the world calling basically everything ‘Marxism’, claiming they have spent months and years researching the Communist Manifesto. But I have always shrugged them off because well, Bolt’s so regularly wrong you can almost set your watch by it.”
“But it’s all here: ‘Voting for Obama will cause communism’, ‘Voting for Biden will cause communism’, ‘Listening to doctors during a pandemic will cause communism’, ‘stopping a carbon induced apocalypse will cause communism’, and ‘being against police using the power of the state to murder people is communism’. It also admits that the point of communism is to see a young latino former bartender elected into office and give everyone healthcare. It’s just like Fox News warned.”
“There has been a lot of debate about which system is best, but if this guy was able to accurately predict and plan the events of the world to this level of certainty, it’s clear he knows what he is talking about. These guys claim Marxism is a religious cult, does anyone know if that is true? Because I want to join. This guy is clearly a god with this kind of foresight.”


thechaser--2020-11-17--“We can only afford $300 for robodebt victims” says PM handing Foxtel $10mill

Prime Minister and reverse Robin Hood , Scott Morrison has today slammed suggestions that the $ 112 million settlement over the Robodebt scheme was to small when you consider that it is less than $ 300 per victim .
The PM says the victims are getting more money than they deserve already as none of them took the crucial step of changing their name to ‘ Foxtel ’ which would have easily gotten them millions more dollars just cause .
“ How great is money ?
” said the PM after giving his mate Rupert an extra $ 10 million @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sport .
“ It ’ s a shame we ’ re so skint at the moment .
Spent our last few dollars gold plating the women ’ s bathrooms in a marginal electorate .
Sorry to everyone we wrongly fined and harassed for years , hope this Bunnings gift card will make up for it.
” “ What the poor people need to understand is you can a lot with $ 300 , ” explained Treasurer Josh Frydenberg .
“ You can get all the essentials , like a month of Foxtel plus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I know some of you want the politicians responsible held accountable and we will get right on that ” he continued , “ as soon as we figure out how to pin it on Dan Andrews .
”

Prime Minister and reverse Robin Hood, Scott Morrison has today slammed suggestions that the $112 million settlement over the Robodebt scheme was to small when you consider that it is less than $300 per victim. The PM says the victims are getting more money than they deserve already as none of them took the crucial step of changing their name to ‘Foxtel’ which would have easily gotten them millions more dollars just cause.
“How great is money?” said the PM after giving his mate Rupert an extra $10 million for thinking about showing women’s sport. “It’s a shame we’re so skint at the moment. Spent our last few dollars gold plating the women’s bathrooms in a marginal electorate. Sorry to everyone we wrongly fined and harassed for years, hope this Bunnings gift card will make up for it.”
“What the poor people need to understand is you can a lot with $300,” explained Treasurer Josh Frydenberg. “You can get all the essentials, like a month of Foxtel plus a subscription to the Australian.”
“I know some of you want the politicians responsible held accountable and we will get right on that” he continued, “as soon as we figure out how to pin it on Dan Andrews.”


thechaser--2020-11-17--How this pandemic I created helps me sell more laptops, by Bill Gates

Me at my laptop .
You should buy one too .
Hi .
I ’ m billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates .
A lot of people have been angry at me for creating this pandemic , and unleashing a deadly virus across the globe .
“ Why did you do it , Bill ?
” they ask .
“ Why didn ’ t you just stick to the good causes that you ’ re renowned for , such as eliminating malaria and ending famine ?
” Until now , I have been hesitant to reveal my true motives in case I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all , I ’ m supposed to be the happy philanthropist guy , right ?
But as the pandemic I created rages out of control across much of Europe and North America , Melinda convinced me that I should probably let you know what my thinking is .
Thing is , I ’ ve been giving away a LOT of money over the past couple of decades .
As a result , I ’ m only worth $ 119 billion .
I ’ m barely scraping by .
So Melinda and I got @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fortunes of Microsoft so that my net worth gets back to being a bit more acceptable ?
This got us thinking about pandemics .
In a pandemic , people turn to trusted sources for information .
Laptops use something called a ‘ search engine ’ to find news from all over the world .
Users – that ’ s you and me – can then read that same news , right there on their laptop .
Most laptops have Windows installed on them – which means more money for me .
I hope @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I unleashed this pandemic .
And if you are now thinking about buying a laptop , that ’ s even better !
Please remember that 10 % from each Windows laptop purchase goes directly to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation .
And this week only , we ’ re giving special discounts for everyone buying a new laptop .
Simply swipe the hidden microchip that I secretly implanted in your wrist on the credit card machine at checkout to unlock the savings .

Hi. I’m billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates. A lot of people have been angry at me for creating this pandemic, and unleashing a deadly virus across the globe. “Why did you do it, Bill?” they ask. “Why didn’t you just stick to the good causes that you’re renowned for, such as eliminating malaria and ending famine?”
It’s a fair enough question.
Until now, I have been hesitant to reveal my true motives in case I came across as too venal. After all, I’m supposed to be the happy philanthropist guy, right?
But as the pandemic I created rages out of control across much of Europe and North America, Melinda convinced me that I should probably let you know what my thinking is.
The answer is simple – laptop sales.
Thing is, I’ve been giving away a LOT of money over the past couple of decades. As a result, I’m only worth $119 billion. I’m barely scraping by.
So Melinda and I got thinking: how do we juice the fortunes of Microsoft so that my net worth gets back to being a bit more acceptable?
This got us thinking about pandemics. In a pandemic, people turn to trusted sources for information. Laptops use something called a ‘search engine’ to find news from all over the world. Users – that’s you and me – can then read that same news, right there on their laptop. Most laptops have Windows installed on them – which means more money for me.
I hope this goes some way towards explaining why I unleashed this pandemic. And if you are now thinking about buying a laptop, that’s even better! Please remember that 10% from each Windows laptop purchase goes directly to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.
And this week only, we’re giving special discounts for everyone buying a new laptop. Simply swipe the hidden microchip that I secretly implanted in your wrist on the credit card machine at checkout to unlock the savings.


thechaser--2020-11-17--Covid already seen everything interesting in Adelaide, now wondering what to do

The novel coronavirus has reportedly exhausted its options in the South Australian capital just hours after arriving there .
Covid-19 @ @ @ @ @ Mall and the whole of Central Market , and is wondering what else there is @ @ @ @ @ could go and look at the outside of the Adelaide Oval , ” the airborne @ @ @ @ @ out loud .
“ But that will only kill ten minutes .
There ’ s @ @ @ @ @ Wedgie .
And a Botanic Garden .
Wonder if it ’ s as good as @ @ @ @ @ .
Maybe.
” “ Someone told me about a cafe the Hilltop Hoods get coffee @ @ @ @ @ respiratory illness continued , while standing in a deserted central street and looking at its @ @ @ @ @ fun .
Or not .
Are they still going ?
” “ The tourist website @ @ @ @ @ the Barossa , but that ’ s not even in Adelaide .
Maybe that ’ @ @ @ @ @

Covid already seen everything interesting in Adelaide, now wondering what to do
The novel coronavirus has reportedly exhausted its options in the South Australian capital just hours after arriving there. Covid-19 has ‘done’ Rundle Mall and the whole of Central Market, and is wondering what else there is to do.
“I could go and look at the outside of the Adelaide Oval,” the airborne pathogen was heard to wonder out loud. “But that will only kill ten minutes. There’s something here called The Big Wedgie. And a Botanic Garden. Wonder if it’s as good as the world-famous Sydney Botanic Garden. Maybe.”
“Someone told me about a cafe the Hilltop Hoods get coffee from,” the fatal respiratory illness continued, while standing in a deserted central street and looking at its phone. “Might be fun. Or not. Are they still going?”
“The tourist website says you can go to the Barossa, but that’s not even in Adelaide. Maybe that’s the point.”


thechaser--2020-11-18--Government attempts to boost Covid Safe usage by adding ‘stories’ feature

Prime Minister of NSW Scott Morrison has today announced his government has finally fixed the Covid Safe App , following a string of failures that saw the app fail to do the one thing it was designed to do .
The guy whose existence proves that Gen X are now old announced today that he has teamed up with all the leading social media companies to address the apps shortcomings , by adding the Stories feature that is apparently crucial for every app to have .
“ Our developers have teamed up with the social media companies to find exactly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ app , and they all told us one thing : more ways to post inane life updates .
Now you are able to trace your contact all while putting up a photo of a leaf or a sunset overlaid with some faux-deep caption .
That ’ s bound to even win over the anti-vax Byron crowd.
” “ But that ’ s not all , ” ScoMo continued .
“ Now you can use those fun Bitmojis to tell everyone you have COVID , or you can use the check-in feature to let @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crowding into that night while you ’ re supposed to be isolating .
Also we have updated the layout by moving all the health information to a random spot that is more annoying to access in order to force you to look at all the ads .
Oh yea , by the way it now has ads.
” However , if uptake does not increase to at least 60 % of the population , the government says they may still go for the nuclear option .
“ Failing all else , we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , which is guaranteed to get everyone using the app , ” explained one government official .
“ To dumb it down to layman ’ s terms , it ’ s basically where we allow users to watch pornography on the app .
Barnaby Joyce has helpfully been testing out the beta-version and we were amazed at the results , usage has absolutely skyrocketed .
Especially during work hours .
”

Prime Minister of NSW Scott Morrison has today announced his government has finally fixed the Covid Safe App, following a string of failures that saw the app fail to do the one thing it was designed to do. The guy whose existence proves that Gen X are now old announced today that he has teamed up with all the leading social media companies to address the apps shortcomings, by adding the Stories feature that is apparently crucial for every app to have.
“Our developers have teamed up with the social media companies to find exactly what it is people want in an app, and they all told us one thing: more ways to post inane life updates. Now you are able to trace your contact all while putting up a photo of a leaf or a sunset overlaid with some faux-deep caption. That’s bound to even win over the anti-vax Byron crowd.”
“But that’s not all,” ScoMo continued. “Now you can use those fun Bitmojis to tell everyone you have COVID, or you can use the check-in feature to let friends know which restaurant you’re crowding into that night while you’re supposed to be isolating. Also we have updated the layout by moving all the health information to a random spot that is more annoying to access in order to force you to look at all the ads. Oh yea, by the way it now has ads.”
However, if uptake does not increase to at least 60% of the population, the government says they may still go for the nuclear option. “Failing all else, we’re prepared to go to stage three, which is guaranteed to get everyone using the app,” explained one government official. “To dumb it down to layman’s terms, it’s basically where we allow users to watch pornography on the app. Barnaby Joyce has helpfully been testing out the beta-version and we were amazed at the results, usage has absolutely skyrocketed. Especially during work hours.”


thechaser--2020-11-18--Ten unveil last minute I’m A Celeb replacement Fraser Anning

Talent scouts at Channel Ten have been left scrambling today after shocking revelations that the man who was fired by Channel 7 for inflammatory Instagram posts , Pete Evans , was the kind of guy who might ruin a TV show by posting something inflammatory to Instagram .
“ We never saw this coming , ” said a Ten recruiter who had specifically gone out of their way to book the guy because he would stir up controversy .
“ How could we ever have known this science denying conspiracy theorist would be a liability.
” With Evans now gone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , stating they hope they will still be able to enjoy the show with the new replacement celebrity , former One Nation senator Fraser Anning .
“ Fraser ’ s just the kind of guy we ’ re looking for on this show , ” explained a Ten representative .
“ He ’ s not famous , he ’ s possibly a Nazi , and most importantly he agreed to our ridiculously low appearance fee .
Actually it ’ s mostly that last one if we ’ re being honest.
” Evans was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this article due to a prior commitment to invade Poland

Talent scouts at Channel Ten have been left scrambling today after shocking revelations that the man who was fired by Channel 7 for inflammatory Instagram posts, Pete Evans, was the kind of guy who might ruin a TV show by posting something inflammatory to Instagram.
“We never saw this coming,” said a Ten recruiter who had specifically gone out of their way to book the guy because he would stir up controversy. “How could we ever have known this science denying conspiracy theorist would be a liability.”
With Evans now gone, the network has apologised to viewers, stating they hope they will still be able to enjoy the show with the new replacement celebrity, former One Nation senator Fraser Anning.
“Fraser’s just the kind of guy we’re looking for on this show,” explained a Ten representative. “He’s not famous, he’s possibly a Nazi, and most importantly he agreed to our ridiculously low appearance fee. Actually it’s mostly that last one if we’re being honest.”
Evans was unable to be contacted for comment on this article due to a prior commitment to invade Poland


thechaser--2020-11-19--Federal government furious Dan Andrews didn’t prevent ADF war crimes

Bunnings spokesman Scott Morrison has today spoken out against a “ culture of cruel indifference ” in the Australian Defence @ @ @ @ @ of war crimes , with the Prime Minister stating that it was completely unacceptable behaviour @ @ @ @ @ have done something about this .
“ The fact is the buck stops with him @ @ @ @ @ booking his upcoming beach vacation .
“ How he continues to attract the support of @ @ @ @ @ the bushfires , and the Robodebt scandal I ’ ll never know.
” “ I @ @ @ @ @ how lazy this guy is , ” continued Morrison while downing beers in a Victorian @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t fix the deeply rooted issues within the ADF because he ’ s @ @ @ @ @ Victoria ’ .
It ’ s called multi-tasking Dan .
In fact I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ can even vacation and be Prime Minister during a natural disaster , both at the @ @ @ @ @ ve never seen Dan do that .
Lazy sod .
”

Bunnings spokesman Scott Morrison has today spoken out against a “culture of cruel indifference” in the Australian Defence Force follow 32 fresh allegations of war crimes, with the Prime Minister stating that it was completely unacceptable behaviour for Dan Andrews to not have done something about this. “The fact is the buck stops with him,” said Morrison while booking his upcoming beach vacation. “How he continues to attract the support of his party after this, the bushfires, and the Robodebt scandal I’ll never know.”
“I really can’t believe how lazy this guy is,” continued Morrison while downing beers in a Victorian pub. “Claiming he can’t fix the deeply rooted issues within the ADF because he’s ‘just the Premier of Victoria’. It’s called multi-tasking Dan. In fact I’m so good at it I can even vacation and be Prime Minister during a natural disaster, both at the same time. I’ve never seen Dan do that. Lazy sod.”


thechaser--2020-11-19--Mooching foreigner caught bludging off government handouts

A bludging foreigner has been caught out this week rorting the government for over $ 90 million , despite secretly living a lavish lifestyle of steak dinners and frequent overseas holidays .
Recently telling the government he no longer has any money to pay his employees , reporters traveling to the house of the dodgy businessman known in his community as Rupert Murdoch , found he actually lives in a lavish mansion with many expensive cars and even his own maid , despite telling the government he needs cash handouts to make it through the week .
Not only that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a serial adulterer , having children with no less than three different women that we know about .
The dodgy scam artist , who was known to have taken an entire year off work last year to pop pills and sit around watching TV , reportedly has his whole family in on the grift , with sons Lachlan and James both equally as happy to sit around reading the newspaper , while milking the public purse to fund their lifestyles by taking welfare meant for hard working Australians .
Instead of constantly rorting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ enter a new broadcast market , maybe it ’ s time this scam artists got a hard working job like the rest of us instead of turning to the government every time he needs a hand out .

A bludging foreigner has been caught out this week rorting the government for over $90 million, despite secretly living a lavish lifestyle of steak dinners and frequent overseas holidays. Recently telling the government he no longer has any money to pay his employees, reporters traveling to the house of the dodgy businessman known in his community as Rupert Murdoch, found he actually lives in a lavish mansion with many expensive cars and even his own maid, despite telling the government he needs cash handouts to make it through the week.
Not only that, but the man is also reportedly a serial adulterer, having children with no less than three different women that we know about.
The dodgy scam artist, who was known to have taken an entire year off work last year to pop pills and sit around watching TV, reportedly has his whole family in on the grift, with sons Lachlan and James both equally as happy to sit around reading the newspaper, while milking the public purse to fund their lifestyles by taking welfare meant for hard working Australians.
Instead of constantly rorting the government every time he needs to enter a new broadcast market, maybe it’s time this scam artists got a hard working job like the rest of us instead of turning to the government every time he needs a hand out.


thechaser--2020-11-23--Trump demands recount of his children after Tiffany shows up to dinner

President Trump has tonight demanded a recount of his offspring after his alleged daughter Tiffany made a rare and unwelcome appearance at Sunday night dinner at the White House .
Tiffany Trump , daughter of Trump ’ s second wife Marla Maples , has been less frequently glimpsed in public than most members of North Korea ’ s ruling Kim family .
After briefly mistaking her for a member of staff , Trump brought dinner service to an abrupt halt , demanding Tiffany not be served until she produced a long-form copy of her birth certificate demonstrating him to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ figure out what the hell is going on here , ” Mr Trump was quoted as saying .
“ This whole family is rigged to make me look bad.
” Despite possessing no fewer qualifications than any of her siblings , Tiffany Trump had not been entrusted with any sensitive offices of state , let alone be permitted to appear with her father during his “ successful ” re-election campaign .
Younger brother Barron Trump , 14 , has meanwhile been touted as the administration ’ s new special envoy to Syria .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ a paternity test to finally settle the matter , observing that “ the more tests they do , the more children they are going to find ” , and that he was happy with the size of his family the way it was .

President Trump has tonight demanded a recount of his offspring after his alleged daughter Tiffany made a rare and unwelcome appearance at Sunday night dinner at the White House. Tiffany Trump, daughter of Trump’s second wife Marla Maples, has been less frequently glimpsed in public than most members of North Korea’s ruling Kim family.
After briefly mistaking her for a member of staff, Trump brought dinner service to an abrupt halt, demanding Tiffany not be served until she produced a long-form copy of her birth certificate demonstrating him to be her father. “We need to figure out what the hell is going on here,” Mr Trump was quoted as saying. “This whole family is rigged to make me look bad.”
Despite possessing no fewer qualifications than any of her siblings, Tiffany Trump had not been entrusted with any sensitive offices of state, let alone be permitted to appear with her father during his “successful” re-election campaign. Younger brother Barron Trump, 14, has meanwhile been touted as the administration’s new special envoy to Syria.
President Trump has also refused to undertake a paternity test to finally settle the matter, observing that “the more tests they do, the more children they are going to find”, and that he was happy with the size of his family the way it was.


thechaser--2020-11-24--“Let young people buy houses with super, it’s not like they’ll get to retire anyway” says LNP

The LNP have today made a strong push to allow young people to dip into their super , to fund the purchase of a house instead of needlessly wasting it on a retirement they ’ ll never see anyway .
“ If you can ’ t afford to purchase a house , why would you lazy kids ever consider retiring ?
” asked a minister currently on a $ 211,000 salary despite only turning up to work 50 days this year .
“ Why invest in your future retirement when you can give all your hard earned savings to some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they bought in the 80s for twenty grand ?
It ’ s imperative you all get into the housing market before it ’ s too late too , I don ’ t know if you watch the news , but you don ’ t want to end up in a retirement home .
Those places are dangerous .
Whoever ’ s in charge of them should really pick up their game.
” The treasurer Josh Frydenberg also agreed this is a sensible move , stating that millenials buying houses with their retirement savings @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up in the first place .
“ This will help those heroic home owners that just want to make an honest living by buying property and then flipping it , constantly driving up house prices so that poor people will be stuck renting from them forever .
We ’ re really doing what the voters wanted us to do .
I mean who doesn ’ t love landlords ?
The fact that so many of my colleagues own multiple houses plays no part in this at all.
” “ Besides , what ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Some kind of widely predicted housing market crash that will leave the next generation not only out of pocket for millions of dollars for a worthless house , but also now without any retirement savings ?
Actually no that does sound pretty bad .
Lucky thing we can rely on bad things never happening in the future hey ?
Now , where did I put my back in black mug .
”

The LNP have today made a strong push to allow young people to dip into their super, to fund the purchase of a house instead of needlessly wasting it on a retirement they’ll never see anyway.
“If you can’t afford to purchase a house, why would you lazy kids ever consider retiring?” asked a minister currently on a $211,000 salary despite only turning up to work 50 days this year. “Why invest in your future retirement when you can give all your hard earned savings to some Boomer for a dilapidated pile of bricks they bought in the 80s for twenty grand? It’s imperative you all get into the housing market before it’s too late too, I don’t know if you watch the news, but you don’t want to end up in a retirement home. Those places are dangerous. Whoever’s in charge of them should really pick up their game.”
The treasurer Josh Frydenberg also agreed this is a sensible move, stating that millenials buying houses with their retirement savings is exactly the reason super was set up in the first place. “This will help those heroic home owners that just want to make an honest living by buying property and then flipping it, constantly driving up house prices so that poor people will be stuck renting from them forever. We’re really doing what the voters wanted us to do. I mean who doesn’t love landlords? The fact that so many of my colleagues own multiple houses plays no part in this at all.”
“Besides, what’s the worst that could happen? Some kind of widely predicted housing market crash that will leave the next generation not only out of pocket for millions of dollars for a worthless house, but also now without any retirement savings? Actually no that does sound pretty bad. Lucky thing we can rely on bad things never happening in the future hey? Now, where did I put my back in black mug.”


thechaser--2020-11-26--War Memorial annouces exhibit on the horrors of Channel 7’s SAS

The director of the National War Memorial has today announced a new addition to the memorial exhibiting the atrocities committed by our troops in a horrific mission referred to as “ SAS : Who Dares Wins ” .
The director said that it is important to recognise the historical crime against humanity that was the program , as well as the brave sacrifice of the poor people who painfully endured the events they were watching .
“ It is important that the War Memorial continues its work as a historical building , and that means exhibiting the worst our troops @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who was in shock after spending hours researching who some of the alleged celebrities were , “ It is a sad period for the Australian armed forces .
Our troops committed cruel and inhumane acts on those poor citizens unfortunate enough to still be watching free-to-air tv for some reason .
They allegedly starved the contestants and didn ’ t even succeed in their mission of bring a show worth watching to the county.
” “ It is troubling to think that anyone , especially those trained to fight for us would find @ @ @ @ @ @ @ worse , entertaining shows our country in a very dark light .
The idea that anyone would willingly participate in bringing up Shapelle Corby to the nations media is truly daunting .
Actions like these not only effect the direct victims of the act , it can be deeply scarring leading to potential prolonged suffering of the nation ’ s citizens .
It can even inspire and encourage the worst of the nation to start talking about her all over again from Today and potentially continuing onwards int to future Sunrises.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ begun and if we start as low as this , it is scary to think how bad it could potentially escalate .
These actions are surely sanctionable by the UN as this has to be against the Geneva Convention .
It should be clear to all Aussie troops doing this sort of behaviour is unacceptable to film and release to the world , they should stick to committing war crimes behind closed doors so that our government can punish anyone who dares speak up .
”

The director of the National War Memorial has today announced a new addition to the memorial exhibiting the atrocities committed by our troops in a horrific mission referred to as “SAS: Who Dares Wins”. The director said that it is important to recognise the historical crime against humanity that was the program, as well as the brave sacrifice of the poor people who painfully endured the events they were watching.
“It is important that the War Memorial continues its work as a historical building, and that means exhibiting the worst our troops are capable of.” Said the director who was in shock after spending hours researching who some of the alleged celebrities were, “It is a sad period for the Australian armed forces. Our troops committed cruel and inhumane acts on those poor citizens unfortunate enough to still be watching free-to-air tv for some reason. They allegedly starved the contestants and didn’t even succeed in their mission of bring a show worth watching to the county.”
“It is troubling to think that anyone, especially those trained to fight for us would find any of these actions acceptable, or worse, entertaining shows our country in a very dark light. The idea that anyone would willingly participate in bringing up Shapelle Corby to the nations media is truly daunting. Actions like these not only effect the direct victims of the act, it can be deeply scarring leading to potential prolonged suffering of the nation’s citizens. It can even inspire and encourage the worst of the nation to start talking about her all over again from Today and potentially continuing onwards int to future Sunrises.”
“I fear the hurting might have only begun and if we start as low as this, it is scary to think how bad it could potentially escalate. These actions are surely sanctionable by the UN as this has to be against the Geneva Convention. It should be clear to all Aussie troops doing this sort of behaviour is unacceptable to film and release to the world, they should stick to committing war crimes behind closed doors so that our government can punish anyone who dares speak up.”


thechaser--2020-11-26--Minister for Women Tony Abbott spotted in Scottland giving free tampons to himself

Former Minister for Women and guy whose budgie smugglers are always sure to get a reaction from the laddies , Tony Abbott has today been spotted walking around Scotland after apparently deciding to move there following the announcement that the Scottish government will be making period products readily available for free around the country .
Scotland has drawn international attention by being the first country to make these crucial products free in order to tackle the growing issue of ‘ Period Poverty ’ in the year 2020 , instead of doing it earlier , like say when experts decided we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ for example .
Tony Abbott made a statement to the press earlier today about the move , while standing between two women who are almost managing the impossible task of looking like they want to be there : “ I am proud to make this my new home while I help usher in Brexit .
This could help the women of Scotland not waste money that they could be using on a new ironing board .
While a long time ago in the past , back in the historic year of 2018 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a luxury items tax on tampons was ‘ stupid PC nonsense ’ but I am all for this .
The support we as a people get from women is truly the bleeding heart of any nation , and this nation has decided to support women with their bleeding unmentionables .
Now we hopefully won ’ t have to discuss such vulgar and shameful things anymore.
” “ What the housewives of this nation need to understand as they get their husband his sandwich is that this is a big deal .
In order @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for women , I have decided to give myself every one of those… umm… .
things I have been able to find .
This will help women not get stressed out by the idea of having your husband drive you out to get one of these luxuries .
Now women , this is sadly not the end of your struggles , but First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has somehow managed to come up with a good idea for helping women ’ s needs .
Now while the idea is good , imagine how much @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was in charge around here.
” In response to this Scotland ’ s First Minister Nicola Sturgeon spoke out publicly , saying : “ Oh wow , and this is the guy Boris says is not too sexist to represent post-Brexit Britain ?
Ok well I would just like to say , Boris we want another referendum to leave the UK ASAP !
The faster we can ditch you guys , re-join the EU and get this guy the fuck out of our land .
”

Former Minister for Women and guy whose budgie smugglers are always sure to get a reaction from the laddies, Tony Abbott has today been spotted walking around Scotland after apparently deciding to move there following the announcement that the Scottish government will be making period products readily available for free around the country. Scotland has drawn international attention by being the first country to make these crucial products free in order to tackle the growing issue of ‘Period Poverty’ in the year 2020, instead of doing it earlier, like say when experts decided we needed a term for ‘Period Poverty’ for example.
Tony Abbott made a statement to the press earlier today about the move, while standing between two women who are almost managing the impossible task of looking like they want to be there:
“I am proud to make this my new home while I help usher in Brexit. This could help the women of Scotland not waste money that they could be using on a new ironing board. While a long time ago in the past, back in the historic year of 2018, I may have said that removing a luxury items tax on tampons was ‘stupid PC nonsense’ but I am all for this. The support we as a people get from women is truly the bleeding heart of any nation, and this nation has decided to support women with their bleeding unmentionables. Now we hopefully won’t have to discuss such vulgar and shameful things anymore.”
“What the housewives of this nation need to understand as they get their husband his sandwich is that this is a big deal. In order to help out and show my support for women, I have decided to give myself every one of those… umm…. things I have been able to find. This will help women not get stressed out by the idea of having your husband drive you out to get one of these luxuries. Now women, this is sadly not the end of your struggles, but First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has somehow managed to come up with a good idea for helping women’s needs. Now while the idea is good, imagine how much better it would be if a man was in charge around here.”
In response to this Scotland’s First Minister Nicola Sturgeon spoke out publicly, saying:
“Oh wow, and this is the guy Boris says is not too sexist to represent post-Brexit Britain? Ok well I would just like to say, Boris we want another referendum to leave the UK ASAP! The faster we can ditch you guys, re-join the EU and get this guy the fuck out of our land.”


thechaser--2020-11-26--Kerry Stokes offers to pay for new War Memorial exhibit celebrating war crimes

Channel 7 boss and Chair of the board for the Australian War Memorial , Kerry Stokes has today offered to pay for a new exhibit in the memorial in order to celebrate the insane work that our SAS soldiers put into murdering civilians and prisoners in cold blood .
While many assume that the controversial $ 500m expansion to celebrate the wars in the middle east would probably cover the war crimes committed there too , Mr Stokes has revealed it would cost way more to be able to fit in all the acts of our soldiers who “ earned @ @ @ @ @ @ @ boss of Channel 7 , I know how to deal with unbiased facts when it comes to presenting important information to the public.
” Said the Millionaire before letting out a laugh that could only be described as maniacal , “ My proposal is I will pay for this new expansion but I get the merchandising money .
I have already pitched cut-off-hands commemorative key-rings .
Also you know the interactive kids role-play area , I have an idea for a thing where the kids play as new soldiers watching over the prisoners @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the initiation process .
It will be something that will be absolutely stunning to all Aussies coming to learn and pay respects.
” “ Our troops showed great determination to bring peace to the middle east .
And sure allegedly they may have killed some civilians as collateral damage , or sport , but that is part of the fun .
I mean day-in-day out they just carry around a gun that they are trained to kill people with and then what , they aren ’ t supposed to kill people just because @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the same to me and my news team , maybe they got confused too .
Also , with the prisoners of war stuff , that is just creative problem solving by our heroes .
Prisoners need to be fed , housed , kept alive , all to be potentially swapped .
I mean that sounds like a lot of work , are you telling me you have never cut corners at work to try save a bit of time.
” “ Some people have raised concerns that I could somehow bring a conflict @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s not like the Chair of the Board could hold any power over the director .
If anything I am an asset , only a guy like me could know how to stand up for our brave soldiers .
Some might want to paint what they did is ‘ horrible ’ or ‘ inhumane ’ , but I can bring balance that those people are missing .
They don ’ t even bring up how incredibly brave it is to stand up and choose to blatantly ignore the Geneva Convention for @ @ @ @ @

Channel 7 boss and Chair of the board for the Australian War Memorial, Kerry Stokes has today offered to pay for a new exhibit in the memorial in order to celebrate the insane work that our SAS soldiers put into murdering civilians and prisoners in cold blood. While many assume that the controversial $500m expansion to celebrate the wars in the middle east would probably cover the war crimes committed there too, Mr Stokes has revealed it would cost way more to be able to fit in all the acts of our soldiers who “earned our unwavering respect.”
“As the boss of Channel 7, I know how to deal with unbiased facts when it comes to presenting important information to the public.” Said the Millionaire before letting out a laugh that could only be described as maniacal, “My proposal is I will pay for this new expansion but I get the merchandising money. I have already pitched cut-off-hands commemorative key-rings. Also you know the interactive kids role-play area, I have an idea for a thing where the kids play as new soldiers watching over the prisoners and the kid gets to act out the initiation process. It will be something that will be absolutely stunning to all Aussies coming to learn and pay respects.”
“Our troops showed great determination to bring peace to the middle east. And sure allegedly they may have killed some civilians as collateral damage, or sport, but that is part of the fun. I mean day-in-day out they just carry around a gun that they are trained to kill people with and then what, they aren’t supposed to kill people just because they are civilians? They all look the same to me and my news team, maybe they got confused too. Also, with the prisoners of war stuff, that is just creative problem solving by our heroes. Prisoners need to be fed, housed, kept alive, all to be potentially swapped. I mean that sounds like a lot of work, are you telling me you have never cut corners at work to try save a bit of time.”
“Some people have raised concerns that I could somehow bring a conflict of interest to this project, but it’s not like the Chair of the Board could hold any power over the director. If anything I am an asset, only a guy like me could know how to stand up for our brave soldiers. Some might want to paint what they did is ‘horrible’ or ‘inhumane’, but I can bring balance that those people are missing. They don’t even bring up how incredibly brave it is to stand up and choose to blatantly ignore the Geneva Convention for an initiation ritual.”


thechaser--2020-11-26--Minister for Women Tony Abbott spotted in Scotland giving free tampons to himself


thechaser--2020-11-28--Struggling Jobseeker Mathias Cormann forced to choose between paying rent and keeping jet

Former Finance Minister and current unemployed job seeker Mathias Cormann has today selflessly skipped breakfast in order to make sure his children have enough food on the table , after realising the millions of dollars the government are giving him to find a job does not stretch far enough to cover rent , food , electricity , and his $ 4000 an hour jet .
“ I guess I could cut back on using the heater , ” sighed Cormann as he went through his weekly bills , “ plus the kids can get another year out of their school @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mind going without a big Christmas this year , but it ’ ll be worth it if I can keep the jet to keep applying for jobs in Europe .
God knows there ’ s no jobs here at the moment .
Whoever was in charge of the economy in this country really dropped the ball.
” Despite falling on hard times , Cormann says he ’ s just grateful to live in a country with such a strong security net for the unfortunate .
“ You know if I lived somewhere like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the street by now , without any chance of medical care for my sick two year old , ” explain Cormann , “ so you have to have a bit of perspective on these things .
I ’ m really fortunate to live in a country where the government is happy to give everyone out of work a free personal jet to fly around the world in looking for a job .
You certainly wouldn ’ t get that in other countries.
” “ God , you know in some countries I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ social security system so people can ’ t even claim benefits without jumping through impossible hoops .
I ’ ve heard one country even sends poor people bills for thousands of dollars they don ’ t owe , just to scare them off claiming benefits , driving some of them to suicide due to the inability to afford to pay the fees or challenge them in court .
Could you imagine that ?
Good thing this government looks out for unemployed people like me , who only made $ 300,000 last year , @ @ @ @ @ @

Former Finance Minister and current unemployed job seeker Mathias Cormann has today selflessly skipped breakfast in order to make sure his children have enough food on the table, after realising the millions of dollars the government are giving him to find a job does not stretch far enough to cover rent, food, electricity, and his $4000 an hour jet.
“I guess I could cut back on using the heater,” sighed Cormann as he went through his weekly bills, “plus the kids can get another year out of their school uniforms. Hopefully they won’t mind going without a big Christmas this year, but it’ll be worth it if I can keep the jet to keep applying for jobs in Europe. God knows there’s no jobs here at the moment. Whoever was in charge of the economy in this country really dropped the ball.”
Despite falling on hard times, Cormann says he’s just grateful to live in a country with such a strong security net for the unfortunate. “You know if I lived somewhere like America I’d probably be out on the street by now, without any chance of medical care for my sick two year old,” explain Cormann, “so you have to have a bit of perspective on these things. I’m really fortunate to live in a country where the government is happy to give everyone out of work a free personal jet to fly around the world in looking for a job. You certainly wouldn’t get that in other countries.”
“God, you know in some countries I hear the government even intentionally breaks their social security system so people can’t even claim benefits without jumping through impossible hoops. I’ve heard one country even sends poor people bills for thousands of dollars they don’t owe, just to scare them off claiming benefits, driving some of them to suicide due to the inability to afford to pay the fees or challenge them in court. Could you imagine that? Good thing this government looks out for unemployed people like me, who only made $300,000 last year, isn’t it?”


thechaser--2020-11-28--Jobseeker Mathias Cormann hit with $28 million robodebt bill

Unemployed Jobseeker Mathias Cormann has today been placed on suicide watch , after being hit with a $ 28 million overpayment bill by the broken Robodebt system he helped create after he failed to declare $ 10 he made in a job he had 30 years ago working at his local Maccas .
“ How am I ever going to repay this ?
” a frantic Cormann asked a disinterested Centrelink worker .
“ I ’ m already on government benefits , how do you think I ’ m going to come up with money to repay thousands of dollars @ @ @ @ @ @ @ owe ?
What kind of monster would create such a system ?
” However , government ministers were unmoved , stating that Cormann should have simply saved some of his previous payments in the expectation that the government might erroneously fine him for thousands of dollars .
“ Look , I know you don ’ t have any money , but if you don ’ t want to pay it the process is quite simple , ” explained the designer of the system Scott Morrison .
“ All you have to do is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fighting this in court while being chased by debt collectors and having your income frozen , then if the court happens to find that you didn ’ t actually owe the money then we might give you $ 300 for your troubles .
It ’ s a completely faultless system .
”

Unemployed Jobseeker Mathias Cormann has today been placed on suicide watch, after being hit with a $28 million overpayment bill by the broken Robodebt system he helped create after he failed to declare $10 he made in a job he had 30 years ago working at his local Maccas.
“How am I ever going to repay this?” a frantic Cormann asked a disinterested Centrelink worker. “I’m already on government benefits, how do you think I’m going to come up with money to repay thousands of dollars of debt I don’t even owe? What kind of monster would create such a system?”
However, government ministers were unmoved, stating that Cormann should have simply saved some of his previous payments in the expectation that the government might erroneously fine him for thousands of dollars. “Look, I know you don’t have any money, but if you don’t want to pay it the process is quite simple,” explained the designer of the system Scott Morrison. “All you have to do is hire an expensive lawyer and spend years fighting this in court while being chased by debt collectors and having your income frozen, then if the court happens to find that you didn’t actually owe the money then we might give you $300 for your troubles. It’s a completely faultless system.”


thechaser--2020-11-28--Jobseeker Mathias Cormann forced to wait on hold for 8 hours to get Jet refueled by centrelink

Unemployed job seeker Mathias Cormann has today announced he finally understands the struggles of the common man , after being forced to sit on hold with centrelink for 8 hours while waiting for his JetKeeper payment to come through .
“ No you don ’ t understand , I was supposed to be paid last week , I ’ m going to lose my jet if I don ’ t get the money soon !
” a frustrated Cormann was heard shouting down the phone .
“ What do you mean I was supposed to turn up to a job @ @ @ @ @ @ @ didn ’ t get any messages , wait yes I see it here , it says it was sent at 10am this morning , but the conference was at 8 ?
No wait don ’ t transfer me !
I ’ ve already been transferred five ti… hello ?
Oh for god ’ s sake.
” A frustrated Cormann was then seen sitting by his phone on loudspeaker for the next three hours , before his connection was inexplicably cut .
“ God what an awful system , ” Cormann said , filling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for the day .
“ Whoever was responsible for this terrible system should really lose their job .
”

Unemployed job seeker Mathias Cormann has today announced he finally understands the struggles of the common man, after being forced to sit on hold with centrelink for 8 hours while waiting for his JetKeeper payment to come through.
“No you don’t understand, I was supposed to be paid last week, I’m going to lose my jet if I don’t get the money soon!” a frustrated Cormann was heard shouting down the phone. “What do you mean I was supposed to turn up to a job training seminar this morning? No I didn’t get any messages, wait yes I see it here, it says it was sent at 10am this morning, but the conference was at 8? No wait don’t transfer me! I’ve already been transferred five ti… hello? Oh for god’s sake.”
A frustrated Cormann was then seen sitting by his phone on loudspeaker for the next three hours, before his connection was inexplicably cut. “God what an awful system,” Cormann said, filling out his 8th piece of jobseeker paperwork for the day. “Whoever was responsible for this terrible system should really lose their job.”