thechaser--2020-06-04--Gal Gadot brings celebrities together for a touching rendition of NWA’s ‘Fuck Tha Police’

As protests and riots continue across America over the abuse and killing of black people by police , Wonder Woman actress and social media influencer Gal Gadot has today heroically gathered her celebrity friends together to inspire the protesters with a poetic rendition of the 1988 classic ‘ Fuck Tha Police ’ by NWA .
“ We are so proud of to share this project with you all , ” said the model in a video released on social media today .
“ It was just so brave of us to come together to really help this cause .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ things like donate money to victims and legal funds , or protesting , or giving out information regarding ways to contact leaders demanding change , but like many Instagram influencers we chose not to do that and do things that can best inflate my own ego.
” “ Regrettably we were not able to actually get any black people to join us , we asked them but they all just sent back ‘ don ’ t do it ’ .
But we chose to go ahead anyway because we want to truly show @ @ @ @ @ @ @ weird , it was much easier than I thought it would be.
” explained Gadot .
“ So many of us were excited to show how we are all against racism .
If anything , the hardest part was doing the lines with the N-word in them .
So many people wanted those lines that we had to turn some away .
Tim Allen , Madonna , Shane Dawson , Justin Bieber , and Camilla Cabello all jumped at the chance but we went with Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen in the end.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the first to respond to the video , labelled the move “ brave ” .
“ It definitely is daring of them , ” explained Mr Cube .
“ To do this and upload the proof online while people are already angry ?
That takes a lot of guts.
” Locally , there have been calls for Australian celebrities to do a cover of an A.B.Original song in support of the Aboriginal Lives Matter movement .
Unfortunately , there does not seem to be enough pressure and attention for many locals to focus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as abroad , and the celebrities have instead opted to sing in tribute of that one white Sunrise reporter that got pushed .

As protests and riots continue across America over the abuse and killing of black people by police, Wonder Woman actress and social media influencer Gal Gadot has today heroically gathered her celebrity friends together to inspire the protesters with a poetic rendition of the 1988 classic ‘Fuck Tha Police’ by NWA.
“We are so proud of to share this project with you all,” said the model in a video released on social media today. “It was just so brave of us to come together to really help this cause. I know many celebrities are choosing to do things like donate money to victims and legal funds, or protesting, or giving out information regarding ways to contact leaders demanding change, but like many Instagram influencers we chose not to do that and do things that can best inflate my own ego.”
“Regrettably we were not able to actually get any black people to join us, we asked them but they all just sent back ‘don’t do it’. But we chose to go ahead anyway because we want to truly show we care.”
“It’s weird, it was much easier than I thought it would be.” explained Gadot. “So many of us were excited to show how we are all against racism. If anything, the hardest part was doing the lines with the N-word in them. So many people wanted those lines that we had to turn some away. Tim Allen, Madonna, Shane Dawson, Justin Bieber, and Camilla Cabello all jumped at the chance but we went with Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen in the end.”
Rapper Ice Cube was one of the first to respond to the video, labelled the move “brave”. “It definitely is daring of them,” explained Mr Cube. “To do this and upload the proof online while people are already angry? That takes a lot of guts.”
Locally, there have been calls for Australian celebrities to do a cover of an A.B.Original song in support of the Aboriginal Lives Matter movement. Unfortunately, there does not seem to be enough pressure and attention for many locals to focus on the issues at home as well as abroad, and the celebrities have instead opted to sing in tribute of that one white Sunrise reporter that got pushed.


thechaser--2020-06-05--“All lives matter” posts guy who wanted to sacrifice grandparents for the economy

Local conservative and part time Facebook motorbike , Cash Money , has today bravely posted on his facebook page that “ All lives matter ” in response to the notion that black people should not be shot by police .
“ It ’ s just a simple philosophy I live by , ” explained Cash , who only last month was calling for the elderly to be sacrificed for the economy .
“ I believe all lives are equally important , except those of the annoying protesters who deserve to be shot for making it difficult for me to go @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tell a different story , pointing out that despite his claims that all lives matter , he has never once done anything for the “ black lives ” section of the “ all lives ” umbrella .
“ Yea I ’ ve only ever seen him care about one life , and that ’ s his own , ” explained co-worker Greg .
“ In fact just last week he was telling me refugees shouldn ’ t have crossed the border if they didn ’ t want to be put in cages.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ agree with his friends ’ allegations , with Cash having posted multiple photos of himself weilding firearms with captions like “ just try me liberals ” and “ Hilary should be given the death sentence ” .
In fact the only life-affirming post that could be found on Cash ’ s facebook was a post claiming Cash is “ pro-life ” and followed up by his belief that “ anyone who has an abortion deserves to die.
” Asked what he thought of all the people who had lost their healthcare during the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to go to hospital , Cash clarified that when he said All Lives Matter , he certainly didn ’ t mean he supports socialising healthcare to keep everyone alive .

Local conservative and part time Facebook motorbike, Cash Money, has today bravely posted on his facebook page that “All lives matter” in response to the notion that black people should not be shot by police.
“It’s just a simple philosophy I live by,” explained Cash, who only last month was calling for the elderly to be sacrificed for the economy. “I believe all lives are equally important, except those of the annoying protesters who deserve to be shot for making it difficult for me to go shopping.”
However, friends of Cash tell a different story, pointing out that despite his claims that all lives matter, he has never once done anything for the “black lives” section of the “all lives” umbrella. “Yea I’ve only ever seen him care about one life, and that’s his own,” explained co-worker Greg. “In fact just last week he was telling me refugees shouldn’t have crossed the border if they didn’t want to be put in cages.”
Cash’s social media seems to agree with his friends’ allegations, with Cash having posted multiple photos of himself weilding firearms with captions like “just try me liberals” and “Hilary should be given the death sentence”. In fact the only life-affirming post that could be found on Cash’s facebook was a post claiming Cash is “pro-life” and followed up by his belief that “anyone who has an abortion deserves to die.”
Asked what he thought of all the people who had lost their healthcare during the pandemic and were now unable to afford to go to hospital, Cash clarified that when he said All Lives Matter, he certainly didn’t mean he supports socialising healthcare to keep everyone alive.


thechaser--2020-06-05--NSW Premier forced to allow protest after organisers rebrand it as ‘football game’

NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian has today announced that the formerly cancelled Black Rights protest will now be going ahead as @ @ @ @ @ that a football will be kicked around during the event .
“ Aw dang , @ @ @ @ @ said Gladys , who had only hours before announced that football games would be allowed @ @ @ @ @ you ’ re going to tell me they ’ ve re-convened their protesters in a @ @ @ @ @ Gladys was quick to point out that the cancelling of the protest was always about @ @ @ @ @ that thousands of protesters could force police to shut down the protests , like they @ @ @ @ @ 3000 strong 5G protests last month .
“ It ’ s simple science that viruses @ @ @ @ @ but not others , and that other large public gatherings like sports games are immune @ @ @ @ @ t believe me , look in a textbook , and then do let me know @ @ @ @ @ because I haven ’ t actually checked .

NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian has today announced that the formerly cancelled Black Rights protest will now be going ahead as planned, after organisers announced that a football will be kicked around during the event.
“Aw dang, you got me,” said Gladys, who had only hours before announced that football games would be allowed to proceed. “Next you’re going to tell me they’ve re-convened their protesters in a shopping mall.”
However, Gladys was quick to point out that the cancelling of the protest was always about public health, with fears that thousands of protesters could force police to shut down the protests, like they didn’t with the 3000 strong 5G protests last month. “It’s simple science that viruses only spread at some protests but not others, and that other large public gatherings like sports games are immune. If you don’t believe me, look in a textbook, and then do let me know if I’m right because I haven’t actually checked.


thechaser--2020-06-06--“There’s no money for healthcare” says nation where every cop has a rocket launcher

The United States senate has today reiterated that there is simply no money in the budget to provide healthcare to those who can ’ t afford it , as the nation ’ s coronavirus transmission rate continues to increase and hundreds of thousands are without healthcare due to unemployment .
Stating that the world ’ s largest economy would be completely crippled if it had to provide a social service that every other country manages to provide , senators then moved on to the next item of business by immediately approving $ 50 billion in tax breaks for business leaders @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ The fact is , if we paid for everyone ’ s healthcare then we wouldn ’ t have enough money left over to provide every police officer in this country with their own surface to air missle launcher , ” explained Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell today , “ and I don ’ t think any of us want to live in a country where a hard done by law enforcement officer doesn ’ t have his own full body kevlar simply because some selfish child wants to get his leukemia @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump also weighed in on the debate , stating that people shouldn ’ t be relying on the government and they should work for their money , before teeing-off during his daily million-dollar taxpayer funded golf trip .
“ Government money shouldn ’ t just be thrown away on frivolous things , ” explained Trump as a helicopter idled nearby in case he wanted lunch in New York , “ taxpayer money should only be spent on the most important things , like a giant wall stretching from one side of the country @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 12 worth of hamburgers to reward some of our most elite athletes.
” Asked what he thought of the decision , republican voter Joe Potato said it was the right thing to do .
“ Yes I may be about to go bankrupt because I lost my job and I can no longer afford my spinal reconstruction surgery , but I think it ’ s important to consider who would be losing out if my treatment were subsidised by the government .
Just think of those poor Koch brothers who might have to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ $ 100 billion fortune , or what about Jeff Bezos ?
He ’ s only made $ 20 billion this year .
Imagine how many jet airplanes he ’ d have to cut back on if we took away a small fraction of that to ensure children aren ’ t dying of pneumonia .
Gosh , when I said I ’ m pro-life I never meant it like that .
”

The United States senate has today reiterated that there is simply no money in the budget to provide healthcare to those who can’t afford it, as the nation’s coronavirus transmission rate continues to increase and hundreds of thousands are without healthcare due to unemployment. Stating that the world’s largest economy would be completely crippled if it had to provide a social service that every other country manages to provide, senators then moved on to the next item of business by immediately approving $50 billion in tax breaks for business leaders and a doubling of the military budget.
“The fact is, if we paid for everyone’s healthcare then we wouldn’t have enough money left over to provide every police officer in this country with their own surface to air missle launcher,” explained Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell today, “and I don’t think any of us want to live in a country where a hard done by law enforcement officer doesn’t have his own full body kevlar simply because some selfish child wants to get his leukemia treatment subsidised by the government.”
President Trump also weighed in on the debate, stating that people shouldn’t be relying on the government and they should work for their money, before teeing-off during his daily million-dollar taxpayer funded golf trip. “Government money shouldn’t just be thrown away on frivolous things,” explained Trump as a helicopter idled nearby in case he wanted lunch in New York, “taxpayer money should only be spent on the most important things, like a giant wall stretching from one side of the country to the other, or on $12 worth of hamburgers to reward some of our most elite athletes.”
Asked what he thought of the decision, republican voter Joe Potato said it was the right thing to do. “Yes I may be about to go bankrupt because I lost my job and I can no longer afford my spinal reconstruction surgery, but I think it’s important to consider who would be losing out if my treatment were subsidised by the government. Just think of those poor Koch brothers who might have to pay 1% more tax on their $100 billion fortune, or what about Jeff Bezos? He’s only made $20 billion this year. Imagine how many jet airplanes he’d have to cut back on if we took away a small fraction of that to ensure children aren’t dying of pneumonia. Gosh, when I said I’m pro-life I never meant it like that.”


thechaser--2020-06-07--Chaser to close shop after Abbott given Order of Australia for Indigenous work

International satire publication and narcotics manufacturing conglomerate Chaser Corporation has today announced they will be ceasing trading , with the demand for fake sounding news having completely dried up since the beginning of 2020 .
“ Yea look , it ’ s been a tough year for everyone in the media , but satire has taken a particularly bad hit , ” explained managing editor and janitor Charles Firth .
“ First there was the US President suggesting we inject people with bleach , then we had the Black Mirror creator announcing the show would no longer go ahead because @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and now this week alone we ’ ve had police brutalising people protesting police brutality , Boris Johnson begging europeans to come back to Britain , and now Tony Abbott is being added to the Order of Australia for Border Control and services to Indigenous communities .
Clearly we ’ re no longer needed here.
” Asked how he felt about the Chaser ’ s closure , Abbott said it was a sad day for the country .
“ Obviously I ’ m the Chaser ’ s number one fan , and I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with everything I did in government , ” explained Abbott .
“ From the time I knighted a Prince , to the time I said I was the suppository of all wisdom , to the time I take that big old bite out of a raw onion on camera for seemingly no reason , I ’ ve really been striving to hit that perfect note where you can ’ t tell whether you ’ re watching a comedy programme or the news.
” Asked what they will be doing with their time now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they will be looking forward to dedicating more time toward their second passion in running the Order of Australia Selection committee .
“ We ’ ve got a great prank lined up there , ” explained one of the interchangable white men .
“ It involves Bronwyn Bishop and a OA for services to the transport industry .
You ’ re gon na love it !
” Want to keep up to date with all the real news that sounds like it could be a Chaser headline ?
We ’ ve started a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you all the weirdest news stories of the week .
Go give it a follow on Facebook and Twitter , or check it out at theShot.net.au

International satire publication and narcotics manufacturing conglomerate Chaser Corporation has today announced they will be ceasing trading, with the demand for fake sounding news having completely dried up since the beginning of 2020.
“Yea look, it’s been a tough year for everyone in the media, but satire has taken a particularly bad hit,” explained managing editor and janitor Charles Firth. “First there was the US President suggesting we inject people with bleach, then we had the Black Mirror creator announcing the show would no longer go ahead because it was too close to reality, and now this week alone we’ve had police brutalising people protesting police brutality, Boris Johnson begging europeans to come back to Britain, and now Tony Abbott is being added to the Order of Australia for Border Control and services to Indigenous communities. Clearly we’re no longer needed here.”
Asked how he felt about the Chaser’s closure, Abbott said it was a sad day for the country. “Obviously I’m the Chaser’s number one fan, and I’ve been trying to imitate them with everything I did in government,” explained Abbott. “From the time I knighted a Prince, to the time I said I was the suppository of all wisdom, to the time I take that big old bite out of a raw onion on camera for seemingly no reason, I’ve really been striving to hit that perfect note where you can’t tell whether you’re watching a comedy programme or the news.”
Asked what they will be doing with their time now, members of the Chaser troupe said they will be looking forward to dedicating more time toward their second passion in running the Order of Australia Selection committee. “We’ve got a great prank lined up there,” explained one of the interchangable white men. “It involves Bronwyn Bishop and a OA for services to the transport industry. You’re gonna love it!”
Want to keep up to date with all the real news that sounds like it could be a Chaser headline? We’ve started a new website called The Shot to bring you all the weirdest news stories of the week. Go give it a follow on Facebook and Twitter, or check it out at theShot.net.au


thechaser--2020-06-08--Australian Government reassures Chinese tourists: ‘Don’t worry, we’re racist to everyone’

The Australian tourism minister , Simon Birmingham has assured Chinese tourists that the racism they deal with in Australia is on the same level as it is for everyone else .
The comments come after China issued a travel advisory warning tourists about a surge in anti-Chinese sentiment in Australia .
Minister for Trade , Tourism and Investment Simon Birmingham said “ I ’ d like to say to our valued Chinese guests – don ’ t worry .
You will not experience any more racism than any other nationality visiting our beautiful country .
And you will not experience @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it comes to discrimination , we ’ re all about equal opportunity.
” “ If you think about it , if Australia wasn ’ t racist to the Chinese it would actually be more racist , ” he said nodding slowly and tapping his nose .
Birmingham continued “ The suspicion , discriminatory treatment and slurs you have to deal with will be the same suspicion , discriminatory treatment and slurs we dish out to other visitors , such as the French , the Japanese and the dirty Spaniards .
Actually , some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ But you get my point.
” In attempt to spin a positive message , Mr Birmingham also reassured Chinese visitors that the racism they faced was just a fraction of the systemic racism that Indigenous Australians experience every day .
Percy Hoare , a white , Anglo-Saxon backpacker from Bristol in the UK said “ People say Australia is a racist country but it ’ s just not true .
I haven ’ t seen any evidence whatsoever since arriving yesterday and going straight to Bondi .
”

The Australian tourism minister, Simon Birmingham has assured Chinese tourists that the racism they deal with in Australia is on the same level as it is for everyone else. The comments come after China issued a travel advisory warning tourists about a surge in anti-Chinese sentiment in Australia.
Minister for Trade, Tourism and Investment Simon Birmingham said “I’d like to say to our valued Chinese guests – don’t worry. You will not experience any more racism than any other nationality visiting our beautiful country. And you will not experience any less, either.”
“When it comes to discrimination, we’re all about equal opportunity.”
“If you think about it, if Australia wasn’t racist to the Chinese it would actually be more racist,” he said nodding slowly and tapping his nose.
Birmingham continued “The suspicion, discriminatory treatment and slurs you have to deal with will be the same suspicion, discriminatory treatment and slurs we dish out to other visitors, such as the French, the Japanese and the dirty Spaniards. Actually, some of the slurs will be different. But you get my point.”
In attempt to spin a positive message, Mr Birmingham also reassured Chinese visitors that the racism they faced was just a fraction of the systemic racism that Indigenous Australians experience every day.
Percy Hoare, a white, Anglo-Saxon backpacker from Bristol in the UK said “People say Australia is a racist country but it’s just not true. I haven’t seen any evidence whatsoever since arriving yesterday and going straight to Bondi.”


thechaser--2020-06-09--Struggling boomer spending HomeBuilder grant on conservatory for his conservatory

A cash-strapped homes owner has confirmed he will put the HomeBuilder grant towards the second conservatory he had been thinking about .
Stan Frampton said it had been a harrowing experience saving for the $ 150,000 needed to do the renovation .
“ I had to cut my living expenses a bit for the past two weeks to save up some money , and I still only having 95 % of the money I need.
” Retiree Frampton , who bought his first house aged 12 with the money from his paper round , admitted that having a conservatory on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
However , the 67-year-old former shop assistant said he had struggled with the renovation .
“ I ’ m running out of possible additions for my house having already built a swimming pool , annex , third storey , workshop , ‘ vanity garage ’ and stables.
” “ It ’ s been a tough couple of weeks in the Frampton household , ” he said , “ but this is what the younger generations don ’ t understand .
If you want something you ’ ve got to save for a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 150k you need for it.
” “ Alternatively , ” he said , “ you can just wait , safe in the knowledge that the government will always give the most money to the people have the most money.
” “ This is actually my third conservatory , ” Frampton admitted , “ if you count the one on the side of the house .
Or the fourteenth , if you count the ones on my investment properties .
”

A cash-strapped homes owner has confirmed he will put the HomeBuilder grant towards the second conservatory he had been thinking about. Stan Frampton said it had been a harrowing experience saving for the $150,000 needed to do the renovation. “I had to cut my living expenses a bit for the past two weeks to save up some money, and I still only having 95% of the money I need.”
Retiree Frampton, who bought his first house aged 12 with the money from his paper round, admitted that having a conservatory on your conservatory was an unorthodox home improvement.
However, the 67-year-old former shop assistant said he had struggled with the renovation. “I’m running out of possible additions for my house having already built a swimming pool, annex, third storey, workshop, ‘vanity garage’ and stables.”
“It’s been a tough couple of weeks in the Frampton household,” he said, “but this is what the younger generations don’t understand. If you want something you’ve got to save for a couple of weeks to raise the $150k you need for it.”
“Alternatively,” he said, “you can just wait, safe in the knowledge that the government will always give the most money to the people have the most money.”
“This is actually my third conservatory,” Frampton admitted, “if you count the one on the side of the house. Or the fourteenth, if you count the ones on my investment properties.”


thechaser--2020-06-09--Lawmakers bravely protest against themselves in hopes that someone will change the laws

While protests occur around the world against the brutality shown to black people at the hands of police , many lawmakers have shown their support by protesting alongside them in hopes that lawmakers will hear the public outcry and do something about it .
From Republicans like Mitt Romney to Democrats like Nancy Pelosi and even Canadian Prime-Minister Justin Trudeau , lawmakers all over the world are calling for those in power in their countries to make laws to protect black people and punish police officers who have committed hate-crimes .
“ It ’ s just not right , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , “ senators need to listen and update the rules .
It shouldn ’ t be happening .
People in charge should be standing up and fighting for re-election , shit sorry , I mean real action .
My bad y ’ all , also make sure you get the photo of me kneeling please .
Anyway , where was I , oh yeah , politicians need to be in their offices crafting meaningful legislation to fix this .
But they aren ’ t there , where are they ?
What else could @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do right now ?
” “ What am I doing about it ?
” said another senator after the other one went to go check his polling numbers .
“ Well , it ’ s not much , but I am out here , with the people doing what I can .
I just feel so helpless , trying to save the young black voting demographic .
You see if these politicians really cared about doing something , they would be in there right now listening to experts about what bills to introduce @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are protesting against themselves however .
Australian Prime-Minister Scott Morrison , who previously supported anti-5g protests , has condemned Black Lives Matter and Aboriginal Lives Matter protests , saying they were irresponsible .
“ Look I am all for having a free country but doing something about this issue might alienate the racist vote , ” explained Scott .
“ You see not all of them have jumped ship to One Nation yet .
How great are the passionate conspiracy theorists though ?
They are truly fighting to save lives !
” “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I have a stadium sized Hillsong conference to attend , followed by a footy game .
”

While protests occur around the world against the brutality shown to black people at the hands of police, many lawmakers have shown their support by protesting alongside them in hopes that lawmakers will hear the public outcry and do something about it. From Republicans like Mitt Romney to Democrats like Nancy Pelosi and even Canadian Prime-Minister Justin Trudeau, lawmakers all over the world are calling for those in power in their countries to make laws to protect black people and punish police officers who have committed hate-crimes.
“It’s just not right,” said an American senator at a protest, “senators need to listen and update the rules. It shouldn’t be happening. People in charge should be standing up and fighting for re-election, shit sorry, I mean real action. My bad y’all, also make sure you get the photo of me kneeling please. Anyway, where was I, oh yeah, politicians need to be in their offices crafting meaningful legislation to fix this. But they aren’t there, where are they? What else could they possibly think would be helpful to do right now?”
“What am I doing about it?” said another senator after the other one went to go check his polling numbers. “Well, it’s not much, but I am out here, with the people doing what I can. I just feel so helpless, trying to save the young black voting demographic. You see if these politicians really cared about doing something, they would be in there right now listening to experts about what bills to introduce to parliament!”
Not all politicians are protesting against themselves however. Australian Prime-Minister Scott Morrison, who previously supported anti-5g protests, has condemned Black Lives Matter and Aboriginal Lives Matter protests, saying they were irresponsible. “Look I am all for having a free country but doing something about this issue might alienate the racist vote,” explained Scott. “You see not all of them have jumped ship to One Nation yet. How great are the passionate conspiracy theorists though? They are truly fighting to save lives!”
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a stadium sized Hillsong conference to attend, followed by a footy game.”


thechaser--2020-06-10--ABC relocates to marginal electorate in hopes to get money from the government

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation has today announced plans to sell off it ’ s inner-Sydney headquarters in an attempt to stave off mass redundancies following an $ 84 million budget cut by the government .
Saying that it was no longer profitable to be based out of Ultimo , the national broadcaster say they are now looking to relocate to a marginal electorate , where it will be much easier to attract millions of dollars in goverment grants .
“ Our ABC is essential to many Australians , ” said an ABC representative , “ but when the government thinks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about how to try and buy votes .
From rich retirees wanting an extension to their gazebo to the Hillsong Church goers , this government loves to throw funds at people except for those in need .
We realise if we want to be given any money we need to ‘ play ball ’ and move to a marginal electorate where the government wants to lock in votes .
We ’ re currently looking at some offices in North Sydney , the government ’ s favourite regional area.
” “ It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ups could agree on .
We asked Itta to step up and say that we are struggling but she didn ’ t want to upset her mate Scotty .
Then she said what if we chuck in more of Murdoch ’ s gang to our panels , but we are running out of room with the amount of them we have on the shows as is .
She also suggested we stop asking follow up questions when politicians lie or say something degrading , but our journalists said if they wanted to do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at Sunrise .
The other idea she had was to not don ’ t invite people of colour to talk on shows like Insiders to help the government ’ s reputation but the producers told her they are already basically doing that anyway.
” Many people have been quick to criticise the government for underfunding the ABC only one week after a royal commission praised the ABC for saving lives during the bushfire pandemic , however the Prime Minister said he stands by the decision .
“ Yes I know about the royal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me the idea ?
” explained Morrison .
“ Did you see my polling at the time ?
If it wasn ’ t for their relentless insistence to ‘ hear from the experts ’ and ‘ help Aussies stay safe ’ and instead chose to blindly defend me , my polling would have been way higher !
” To attract funding , the ABC have also commissioned a raft of new programming about a range of previously under-represented groups .
“ We ’ re particularly excited about the new show we ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” explained a producer from the ABC .
“ It tells the tale of an elderly white Australian who is struggling to afford to build an extension on their investment property , so they form a rowing team in their local area of Mossman in order to try and win some prize money for the renovations , but they have to overcome the fact that their local sports club doesn ’ t have adequate changing facilities .
The government has already offered $ 1 billion in production funds for the show , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it to them yet .
”

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation has today announced plans to sell off it’s inner-Sydney headquarters in an attempt to stave off mass redundancies following an $84 million budget cut by the government. Saying that it was no longer profitable to be based out of Ultimo, the national broadcaster say they are now looking to relocate to a marginal electorate, where it will be much easier to attract millions of dollars in goverment grants.
“Our ABC is essential to many Australians,” said an ABC representative, “but when the government thinks ‘essential’ they tend to think about how to try and buy votes. From rich retirees wanting an extension to their gazebo to the Hillsong Church goers, this government loves to throw funds at people except for those in need. We realise if we want to be given any money we need to ‘play ball’ and move to a marginal electorate where the government wants to lock in votes. We’re currently looking at some offices in North Sydney, the government’s favourite regional area.”
“It’s the only option we and the higher ups could agree on. We asked Itta to step up and say that we are struggling but she didn’t want to upset her mate Scotty. Then she said what if we chuck in more of Murdoch’s gang to our panels, but we are running out of room with the amount of them we have on the shows as is. She also suggested we stop asking follow up questions when politicians lie or say something degrading, but our journalists said if they wanted to do that they would have gotten a job at Sunrise. The other idea she had was to not don’t invite people of colour to talk on shows like Insiders to help the government’s reputation but the producers told her they are already basically doing that anyway.”
Many people have been quick to criticise the government for underfunding the ABC only one week after a royal commission praised the ABC for saving lives during the bushfire pandemic, however the Prime Minister said he stands by the decision. “Yes I know about the royal commission, what do you think gave me the idea?” explained Morrison. “Did you see my polling at the time? If it wasn’t for their relentless insistence to ‘hear from the experts’ and ‘help Aussies stay safe’ and instead chose to blindly defend me, my polling would have been way higher!”
To attract funding, the ABC have also commissioned a raft of new programming about a range of previously under-represented groups. “We’re particularly excited about the new show we’ve got coming up called ‘Boomers’,” explained a producer from the ABC. “It tells the tale of an elderly white Australian who is struggling to afford to build an extension on their investment property, so they form a rowing team in their local area of Mossman in order to try and win some prize money for the renovations, but they have to overcome the fact that their local sports club doesn’t have adequate changing facilities. The government has already offered $1 billion in production funds for the show, and we haven’t even pitched it to them yet.”


thechaser--2020-06-11--Morrison burns down Cook statue after learning about Australia’s history of slavery

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today been arrested by police for attempting to destroy a statue of captain cook , after learning about Australia ’ s long history of colonialism and slavery .
“ Wait , what do you mean we weren ’ t the good guys ?
” asked a shocked Morrison today while leafing through a history book .
“ Are you seriously telling me there were people living here and we just forced them to leave their homes , separated children from parents , and gave them all smallpox in an attempt to wipe them out ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ about this ?
This is an outrage !
” Morrison has responded to the news by declaring that all Black Lives Matters protests are back on , and he will be front and centre of the next march , carrying with him the heads of any coloniser ’ s statue that still stands .
“ God , I thought coronavirus was the biggest issue of our time , but did you know one third of women in prisons across NSW are aboriginal despite making up only 3 % of the population ?
Virus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a stand against this injustice !
” Morrison has reportedly also fired all his advisers tonight , in payback for having suggested he give Tony Abbott an AO for Indigenous services .
“ Look at the time I thought it was acceptable , after all Tony always seemed like a top bloke , but having read some of the stuff he said about colonisation , gosh I ’ m just stumped about how someone could be so tone deaf , ” explained Morrison .
“ I mean , the guy said the first @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and that the country was nothing but bush before they arrived .
How anybody could think a population that has suffered so much could in any way feel grateful for having their homes , customs , culture , and children taken from them , I ’ ll never understand.
” “ We have to make this right , ” continued Morrison .
“ And rest assured removing these statues glorifying foreign invaders will only be the first step in my quest to close the gap , defund the police , and to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ true owners who have suffered needlessly for too long .
Today I ’ m proud to say Black Lives Matter .
I ’ ll see you at the march .
”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today been arrested by police for attempting to destroy a statue of captain cook, after learning about Australia’s long history of colonialism and slavery.
“Wait, what do you mean we weren’t the good guys?” asked a shocked Morrison today while leafing through a history book. “Are you seriously telling me there were people living here and we just forced them to leave their homes, separated children from parents, and gave them all smallpox in an attempt to wipe them out? Jesus Christ, why is nobody talking about this? This is an outrage!”
Morrison has responded to the news by declaring that all Black Lives Matters protests are back on, and he will be front and centre of the next march, carrying with him the heads of any coloniser’s statue that still stands. “God, I thought coronavirus was the biggest issue of our time, but did you know one third of women in prisons across NSW are aboriginal despite making up only 3% of the population? Virus or not, somebody has to take a stand against this injustice!”
Morrison has reportedly also fired all his advisers tonight, in payback for having suggested he give Tony Abbott an AO for Indigenous services. “Look at the time I thought it was acceptable, after all Tony always seemed like a top bloke, but having read some of the stuff he said about colonisation, gosh I’m just stumped about how someone could be so tone deaf,” explained Morrison. “I mean, the guy said the first fleet was good for our indigenous people, and that the country was nothing but bush before they arrived. How anybody could think a population that has suffered so much could in any way feel grateful for having their homes, customs, culture, and children taken from them, I’ll never understand.”
“We have to make this right,” continued Morrison. “And rest assured removing these statues glorifying foreign invaders will only be the first step in my quest to close the gap, defund the police, and to make amends with our nation’s true owners who have suffered needlessly for too long. Today I’m proud to say Black Lives Matter. I’ll see you at the march.”


thechaser--2020-06-11--Cookie Monster under fire for aligning with #bluelivesmatter movement

Popular children ’ s TV star , Cookie Monster , has today come under fire and been called to resign from his position as head of cookie consumption at the Sesame Corporation , after allegations surfaced that he supports the controversial ‘ # bluelivesmatter ’ movement .
The news has come into the spotlight after the biscuity bigot ’ s co-star , Elmo , publicly spoke out on the problem of systematic prejudice and corruption explained to him by his father in an attempt to explain the issue in a way that would be digestible to the kind of people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has responded in a press release stating that , “ Cookie Monster is blue .
Cookie Monster thought # bluelivesmatter was for him .
Cookie Monster didn ’ t know about links to racist police .
Cookie Monster sorry.
” Cookie Monster is not the only children ’ s TV celebrity to come under fire in recent weeks , with the cast of Paw Patrol also refusing to respond to allegations they were normalising the use of police as a one-size-fits-all solution to all society ’ s problems , from dogs getting stuck @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over ice-cream toppings , issues which critics say should never have involved police intervention in the first place .

Popular children’s TV star, Cookie Monster, has today come under fire and been called to resign from his position as head of cookie consumption at the Sesame Corporation, after allegations surfaced that he supports the controversial ‘#bluelivesmatter’ movement.
The news has come into the spotlight after the biscuity bigot’s co-star, Elmo, publicly spoke out on the problem of systematic prejudice and corruption explained to him by his father in an attempt to explain the issue in a way that would be digestible to the kind of people that watch cable news.
Cookie Monster has responded in a press release stating that, “Cookie Monster is blue. Cookie Monster thought #bluelivesmatter was for him. Cookie Monster didn’t know about links to racist police. Cookie Monster sorry.”
Cookie Monster is not the only children’s TV celebrity to come under fire in recent weeks, with the cast of Paw Patrol also refusing to respond to allegations they were normalising the use of police as a one-size-fits-all solution to all society’s problems, from dogs getting stuck on a ski-slope, to dogs fighting over ice-cream toppings, issues which critics say should never have involved police intervention in the first place.


thechaser--2020-06-11--Cook statue dilemma solved after Rio Tinto accidentally blow it up

The Rio Tinto mining corporation has today attempted to make right the recent destruction of sacred aboriginal sites during mine-clearing operations by also accidentally blowing up something that white people hold sacred .
“ Whoops , our bad , ” exclaimed Rio Tinto as they accidentally detonated a statue of Captain Cook and a nearby Church .
“ You guys weren ’ t using that were you ?
” The desecration of the sacred site is said to have angered many in the settler community who considered such sites to have cultural and religious significance .
“ There were a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ site that would have helped us better understand white culture , ” explained one Aboriginal expert in Anglo Studies at Arnhem University .
“ There are still many things we don ’ t understand about these people , like why they are so attached to these tacky statues of British sailors while also being so obsessed about not being treated like a colony of Britain.
” Asked what they would be doing to make amends for what they had done , Rio Tinto executives said they will be saying sorry , and then @ @ @ @ @ @ @ action .

The Rio Tinto mining corporation has today attempted to make right the recent destruction of sacred aboriginal sites during mine-clearing operations by also accidentally blowing up something that white people hold sacred.
“Whoops, our bad,” exclaimed Rio Tinto as they accidentally detonated a statue of Captain Cook and a nearby Church. “You guys weren’t using that were you?”
The desecration of the sacred site is said to have angered many in the settler community who considered such sites to have cultural and religious significance. “There were a lot of invaluable historic items on that site that would have helped us better understand white culture,” explained one Aboriginal expert in Anglo Studies at Arnhem University. “There are still many things we don’t understand about these people, like why they are so attached to these tacky statues of British sailors while also being so obsessed about not being treated like a colony of Britain.”
Asked what they would be doing to make amends for what they had done, Rio Tinto executives said they will be saying sorry, and then not following that up with any further action.


thechaser--2020-06-12--Government backs removing Cook statue after learning he came here by boat

Liberal Party minister Peter Dutton has today been sighted driving a bulldozer towards the Captain Cook statue in Hyde Park after new evidence revealed that Captain Cook was a foreigner who came to Australia by boat and refused to adapt to the local culture .
“ Out of my way , ” elder statesman John Howard was heard screaming , as he broke through police baricades with a chainsaw .
“ We will decide on who comes to this country , and the manner in which they are commemorated !
” Prime Minister Scott Morrison was also spotted at the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nation ’ s highest office holder outraged at the idea of commemorating a coloniser , after recently discovering about Australia ’ s history of slavery .
“ Not only did this man invade a country , but he also sought to bring shame and harm to the people of the Island nation that I hold closest to my heart , Hawaii .
So like any proud Hawaiian it is my duty to see James Cook taken out.
” However , the dispute was rapidly disbanded only minutes later , after mining company Rio @ @ @ @ @ @ @ testing the area for traces of rare metals .

Liberal Party minister Peter Dutton has today been sighted driving a bulldozer towards the Captain Cook statue in Hyde Park after new evidence revealed that Captain Cook was a foreigner who came to Australia by boat and refused to adapt to the local culture.
“Out of my way,” elder statesman John Howard was heard screaming, as he broke through police baricades with a chainsaw. “We will decide on who comes to this country, and the manner in which they are commemorated!”
Prime Minister Scott Morrison was also spotted at the rally to remove Cook, with the nation’s highest office holder outraged at the idea of commemorating a coloniser, after recently discovering about Australia’s history of slavery. “Not only did this man invade a country, but he also sought to bring shame and harm to the people of the Island nation that I hold closest to my heart, Hawaii. So like any proud Hawaiian it is my duty to see James Cook taken out.”
However, the dispute was rapidly disbanded only minutes later, after mining company Rio Tinto accidentally blew up the statue while testing the area for traces of rare metals.


thechaser--2020-06-12--Demolition firm saves millions telling BHP there’s sacred sites under buildings

Local construction firm owner Damien Miller has this week shared a helpful trick for those looking to renovate their houses @ @ @ @ @ many who were unable to claim the government ’ s new construction grant due to @ @ @ @ @ instead he ’ s suggested a different route for renovations , by hiring one of @ @ @ @ @ mining firms to do free demolition work .
“ Yea it ’ s easy as @ @ @ @ @ money , ” explained Damien .
“ All you got ta do right , is @ @ @ @ @ aboriginal artifacts around your lawn , and next thing you know the whole place will @ @ @ @ @ faster than you can say ‘ Why aren ’ t the miners paying tax !
@ @ @ @ @ if you need your house removed , you can also apply for a HomeWrecker grant @ @ @ @ @ Barnaby Joyce will come round and personally ensure you lose half of your home in @ @ @

Local construction firm owner Damien Miller has this week shared a helpful trick for those looking to renovate their houses on a budget. Like many who were unable to claim the government’s new construction grant due to not being a millionaire, instead he’s suggested a different route for renovations, by hiring one of the country’s large mining firms to do free demolition work.
“Yea it’s easy as, and saves so much money,” explained Damien. “All you gotta do right, is to scatter a few ancient aboriginal artifacts around your lawn, and next thing you know the whole place will have the top soil stripped faster than you can say ‘Why aren’t the miners paying tax!’.”
Alternatively, if you need your house removed, you can also apply for a HomeWrecker grant from the government, where Barnaby Joyce will come round and personally ensure you lose half of your home in a divorce.


thechaser--2020-06-12--Busker thrown in lake after convincingly imitating statue

Local busker and professional statue imitator Greg Gregson has today decided to find a new job after a near miss that saw local protesters attempt to behead him and throw him in a river .
“ Now is not a great time to be mistaken for a statue , ” explained Greg , “ and don ’ t even get me started on the politics around wearing face paint in public.
” Instead Greg says he will be testing out a new routine in which he will loudly play a single saxophone song on repeat for eight hours until the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him in the river .
“ It ’ s nice to find a busking routine that can annoy even more people than the statue one , ” explained Greg , “ plus it means my housemates will finally stop complaining about me practicing at home.
” The uprising against statues is just the latest in a string of recent setbacks that have affected buskers everywhere , with the death of the cash economy hitting street performers especially hard .
“ Nobody carries money with them anymore , so most of the time now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ve got to go through the whole process of giving someone my bank details , it ’ s exhausting , ” explained Greg .
“ Fortunately though the Treasurer Josh Frydenberg walked past the other day and he very generously threw me a few spare dollars .
That sixty billion will definitely help keep me going for a few more weeks .
”

Local busker and professional statue imitator Greg Gregson has today decided to find a new job after a near miss that saw local protesters attempt to behead him and throw him in a river. “Now is not a great time to be mistaken for a statue,” explained Greg, “and don’t even get me started on the politics around wearing face paint in public.”
Instead Greg says he will be testing out a new routine in which he will loudly play a single saxophone song on repeat for eight hours until the local cafe workers also decide to throw him in the river. “It’s nice to find a busking routine that can annoy even more people than the statue one,” explained Greg, “plus it means my housemates will finally stop complaining about me practicing at home.”
The uprising against statues is just the latest in a string of recent setbacks that have affected buskers everywhere, with the death of the cash economy hitting street performers especially hard. “Nobody carries money with them anymore, so most of the time now if I want a tip I’ve got to go through the whole process of giving someone my bank details, it’s exhausting,” explained Greg. “Fortunately though the Treasurer Josh Frydenberg walked past the other day and he very generously threw me a few spare dollars. That sixty billion will definitely help keep me going for a few more weeks.”


thechaser--2020-06-12--Chris Lilley attempts to sneak back onto Netflix after donning genius disguise

Alleged comedian Chris Lilley has today announced that he will be retiring from performing , having taken his critics views into consideration and reflected on the hurt his characters have caused .
Instead Lilley has announced that he will be seeking to only platform diverse performers , like the one he just has to duck behind the curtain to bring out in a moment .
Laying out a beret , string of onions , baguette , three mistresses and a white flag on the floor , the character who looks suspiciously like Lilley announced “ Zees Freenchman weel ‘ ave @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Zut alors !
And if zey should spot me… ” before opening a wardrobe to reveal a large feathered headdress , tasselled shirt , facepaint and historically inaccurate bow and arrow .
Lilley then also introduced his Mexican friend Chris Le Sombrero after rifling through to a large chest marked ‘ Dressing Up ’ .
“ This sombrero , moustache , burrito , automatic weapon and prison tattoos will finally allow Mexicans like me to receive some much needed representation in the media.
” announced the man who was very obviously Lilley in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people like me , I mean Chris Lilley , who are finally listening to the need for diversity in our media .
Ole hombre !
” Returning to his privately-educated North Shore ‘ controversial comedian ’ character , Lilley continued “ Censorship of old shows is ridiculous .
Where does it end ?
” He then added “ I definitely think nobody should go through The Chaser ’ s backcatalogue .
There ’ s nothing there those guys need to worry about , so it ’ s not worth even looking .
”

Alleged comedian Chris Lilley has today announced that he will be retiring from performing, having taken his critics views into consideration and reflected on the hurt his characters have caused. Instead Lilley has announced that he will be seeking to only platform diverse performers, like the one he just has to duck behind the curtain to bring out in a moment.
Laying out a beret, string of onions, baguette, three mistresses and a white flag on the floor, the character who looks suspiciously like Lilley announced “Zees Freenchman weel ‘ave no trouble getting past ze censors. Zut alors! And if zey should spot me…” before opening a wardrobe to reveal a large feathered headdress, tasselled shirt, facepaint and historically inaccurate bow and arrow.
Lilley then also introduced his Mexican friend Chris Le Sombrero after rifling through to a large chest marked ‘Dressing Up’. “This sombrero, moustache, burrito, automatic weapon and prison tattoos will finally allow Mexicans like me to receive some much needed representation in the media.” announced the man who was very obviously Lilley in a moustache. “Thank god for people like me, I mean Chris Lilley, who are finally listening to the need for diversity in our media. Ole hombre!”
Returning to his privately-educated North Shore ‘controversial comedian’ character, Lilley continued “Censorship of old shows is ridiculous. Where does it end?” He then added “I definitely think nobody should go through The Chaser’s backcatalogue. There’s nothing there those guys need to worry about, so it’s not worth even looking.”


thechaser--2020-06-12--Government streamlines stimulus by paying tradie grants directly into Queen of the Nile

The government ’ s home improvement grants will cut out the middleman and be paid directly into the pokies , the Government has confirmed .
Tradespeople will be able to access their wage in a $ 25,000 lump sum from their local ‘ VIP Room ’ where it will be preloaded into the Queen of the Nile machine .
The move comes as the government seeks greater efficiency in distributing the stimulus money , and then getting it all back to the government as soon as possible .
A spokesperson confirmed that , while they knew most of the money @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , they did not want any wasted on ciggies , piss or those servo milkshakes that are only marketed to men .
“ This way everyone ’ s happy , ” said Treasurer Josh Frydenberg .
“ We get the most tax possible and they don ’ t have to spend precious time going back and forth to the ATM.
” But apprentices are split on whether the new scheme will work .
“ I was looking forward to being underpaid my wage out of the stimulus money .
But it is so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into Queen of the Nile .
They should preload it into Big Red instead .
”

The government’s home improvement grants will cut out the middleman and be paid directly into the pokies, the Government has confirmed. Tradespeople will be able to access their wage in a $25,000 lump sum from their local ‘VIP Room’ where it will be preloaded into the Queen of the Nile machine.
The move comes as the government seeks greater efficiency in distributing the stimulus money, and then getting it all back to the government as soon as possible.
A spokesperson confirmed that, while they knew most of the money would be spent on the slaps anyway, they did not want any wasted on ciggies, piss or those servo milkshakes that are only marketed to men.
“This way everyone’s happy,” said Treasurer Josh Frydenberg. “We get the most tax possible and they don’t have to spend precious time going back and forth to the ATM.”
But apprentices are split on whether the new scheme will work. “I was looking forward to being underpaid my wage out of the stimulus money. But it is so patronising that they would put it directly into Queen of the Nile. They should preload it into Big Red instead.”


thechaser--2020-06-12--“Not our fault slavery wasn’t taught in school” says party that fought against teaching that in scho

“Not our fault slavery wasn’t taught in school” says party that fought against teaching that in schools

Members of the Liberal party have today rushed to the Prime Minister ’ s defence following controversial claims by the Prime Minister that Australia did not have a history of slavery .
Stating that it wasn ’ t the Prime Minister ’ s fault that he didn ’ t know about the thing he was talking about on national radio , advocates for the Liberal party say they could not be blamed for the fact that the dark portions of Australia ’ s history had been left out of school curriculums , putting aside the fact that they have for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Look , just because we spent years decrying ‘ black armband history ’ as divisive and unnecessary doesn ’ t mean we should be the ones to cop the blame when people don ’ t know about our country ’ s dark past , ” explained one minister from the Howard years .
“ I think it ’ s very important that we consider the context of the time when we blame people who went to school in the long ago age of the 1980s for not knowing about racism .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ then.
” Asked whether maybe the Prime Minister could have taken a few hours out of their day to brush up on Australian history before running for the position of Prime Minister given how much the role relies on not saying easily disprovable stuff on national radio – representatives for the Prime Minister said that he has never once said anything incorrect on radio , before apologizing hours later after doing further research into the topic .

Members of the Liberal party have today rushed to the Prime Minister’s defence following controversial claims by the Prime Minister that Australia did not have a history of slavery. Stating that it wasn’t the Prime Minister’s fault that he didn’t know about the thing he was talking about on national radio, advocates for the Liberal party say they could not be blamed for the fact that the dark portions of Australia’s history had been left out of school curriculums, putting aside the fact that they have for years fought against teaching that in schools.
“Look, just because we spent years decrying ‘black armband history’ as divisive and unnecessary doesn’t mean we should be the ones to cop the blame when people don’t know about our country’s dark past,” explained one minister from the Howard years. “I think it’s very important that we consider the context of the time when we blame people who went to school in the long ago age of the 1980s for not knowing about racism. Obviously nobody knew about civil rights back then.”
Asked whether maybe the Prime Minister could have taken a few hours out of their day to brush up on Australian history before running for the position of Prime Minister given how much the role relies on not saying easily disprovable stuff on national radio – representatives for the Prime Minister said that he has never once said anything incorrect on radio, before apologizing hours later after doing further research into the topic.


thechaser--2020-06-13--Pauline Hanson bill fails after she insists on only using white ink

Senator and part time McDonald ’ s mascot Pauline Hanson has seen her “ All Lives Matter ” motion fail @ @ @ @ @ of Australia ’ s parliament today , after she insisted it be written using white @ @ @ @ @ The attempt by Ms Hanson to enshrine the racist dogwhistle as law in Australia has @ @ @ @ @ One Nation senator , many who say they had never seen any previous indicators that @ @ @ @ @ While Senators tried their best to read Hanson ’ s motion , all struggled with @ @ @ @ @ paper with many asked to “ Please explain ?
” “ What does the ‘ @ @ @ @ @ asked one Senator , trying to make sense of the bill .
“ And when @ @ @ @ @ you actually mean to say ‘ ‘ ?
” “ I don ’ t know @ @ @ @ @ ” retorted Hanson , “ last time the LNP happily passed my ‘ It ’ @ @ @ @ @ ’ motion without trying to read too much into it .
”

Pauline Hanson bill fails after she insists on only using white ink
Senator and part time McDonald’s mascot Pauline Hanson has seen her “All Lives Matter” motion fail to pass the Upper House of Australia’s parliament today, after she insisted it be written using white text on white paper.
The attempt by Ms Hanson to enshrine the racist dogwhistle as law in Australia has shocked the fans of the One Nation senator, many who say they had never seen any previous indicators that she might be racist.
While Senators tried their best to read Hanson’s motion, all struggled with the white text on white paper with many asked to “Please explain?”
“What does the ‘ ‘ part mean?” asked one Senator, trying to make sense of the bill. “And when you say ‘ ‘ did you actually mean to say ‘ ‘?”
“I don’t know what the problem is,” retorted Hanson, “last time the LNP happily passed my ‘It’s okay to be white’ motion without trying to read too much into it.”


thechaser--2020-06-13--Police cutbacks take effect: Organised crime plummets

[ FROM THE ARCHIVES SEPTEMBER 2000 ] An audit of the NSW Police has revealed that they have been seriously cutting back their operating budgets to ensure that they will be able to reach their milestone for reducing crime across the city by the Sydney 2000 Olympics .
Despite initial scepticism towards the plan many community groups have come out in support of the cutbacks .
“ We ’ re really seeing a drop in cases , ” said a spokesperson for the Redfern Legal Centre .
“ It ’ s only anecdotal at this point but it seems harassment @ @ @ @ @ @ @ since the police cutbacks were instituted.
” The cutbacks have also affected local crime lords , with state politicians complaining that they were struggling to afford the increased cost of keeping investigators off their tails .
“ Previously the police were already getting paid when they did business for us , ” explained one disgruntled crime boss .
“ Now we have to pay the full price for a crooked cop .
It ’ s unsustainable.
” The cutbacks are only one part of the efforts to ensure increased safety during the Olympics @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nearly 60 % of people feel safest in their cars , ” explained the Minister for planning .
“ fortunately that won ’ t be a problem for Sydneysiders as that ’ s already where they spend most of their time .
”

[FROM THE ARCHIVES SEPTEMBER 2000] An audit of the NSW Police has revealed that they have been seriously cutting back their operating budgets to ensure that they will be able to reach their milestone for reducing crime across the city by the Sydney 2000 Olympics.
Despite initial scepticism towards the plan many community groups have come out in support of the cutbacks. “We’re really seeing a drop in cases,” said a spokesperson for the Redfern Legal Centre. “It’s only anecdotal at this point but it seems harassment of Aboriginals in the street has plunged since the police cutbacks were instituted.”
The cutbacks have also affected local crime lords, with state politicians complaining that they were struggling to afford the increased cost of keeping investigators off their tails. “Previously the police were already getting paid when they did business for us,” explained one disgruntled crime boss. “Now we have to pay the full price for a crooked cop. It’s unsustainable.”
The cutbacks are only one part of the efforts to ensure increased safety during the Olympics. “Experience from Atlanta suggests that nearly 60% of people feel safest in their cars,” explained the Minister for planning. “fortunately that won’t be a problem for Sydneysiders as that’s already where they spend most of their time.”


thechaser--2020-06-15--Churchill only racist by the standards of whether someone is racist

Winston Churchill can only be considered racist when considered in the context of ‘ Was that person racist ?
’ , it has been confirmed .
Discussion around the former British Prime Minister has peaked in recent weeks , with one side claiming Churchill was just a product of his time , and the other side pointing to his belief that in the inferiority of Native Americans , Indigenous Australians , Indians , Black people , Arabs , Kurds , Afghanis , Muslims , Kenyans and the Chinese .
However , defenders of Churchill point out that he hated Catholics @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ To single out his racism , is itself , a bit discriminatory against all the other things he hated , ” said one fan of Churchill .
“ Things were different back then .
When he said certain races were inferior and deserved to be wiped out , that was just how people spoke back then .
There ’ s nothing racist about it at all .
I mean , if you ’ re going to call Churchill racist , you ’ d have to start calling Adolf Hitler racist too @ @

Winston Churchill can only be considered racist when considered in the context of ‘Was that person racist?’, it has been confirmed.
Discussion around the former British Prime Minister has peaked in recent weeks, with one side claiming Churchill was just a product of his time, and the other side pointing to his belief that in the inferiority of Native Americans, Indigenous Australians, Indians, Black people, Arabs, Kurds, Afghanis, Muslims, Kenyans and the Chinese.
However, defenders of Churchill point out that he hated Catholics, socialists, union members and women. “To single out his racism, is itself, a bit discriminatory against all the other things he hated,” said one fan of Churchill. “Things were different back then. When he said certain races were inferior and deserved to be wiped out, that was just how people spoke back then. There’s nothing racist about it at all. I mean, if you’re going to call Churchill racist, you’d have to start calling Adolf Hitler racist too.”


thechaser--2020-06-15--“Just give us an ICAC Scott” begs nation going through its 16th political scandal in 12 months

Literally everyone across Australia has sighed with resignation today , after hearing another politician was caught out doing something dodgy in plain sight and only got fired after it became an issue in the press .
“ Gosh if only there was some kind of independent body to hold our country ’ s most powerful yet least accountable public servants to account for their actions , ” shrugged every single poltician today .
“ Oh well I guess we ’ ll have to let them just keep on getting away with stuff because it would be impossible to make some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in god ’ s name he could do to try and fix this broken mess we call our nation ’ s parliaments , local man Darryn Datsun was surprised to learn that there are many things he can do .
“ Investing in quality accessible journalism is a great place to start , ” explained a helpful writer in a satirical article who doesn ’ t understand the fourth wall .
“ Also as strange as it may sound , studies have shown that the best thing you can do to fight corruption @ @ @ @ @ @ @ increase your civic involvement at a local level .
Joining local sports clubs , volunteering in community programmes , signing up to become involved in the decision making in a political party ’ s local branch , or even just holding a street party with your neighbours will all have a tangible effect on corruption at all levels of government , thanks to the onflow effect that accountability at small scales has on tolerance for wider corruption.
” “ Or if you ’ re more of the destructive type , helping out in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ division in local communities along lines of race , gender , sexuality , or political affiliation can also increase accountability , especially in a media landscape where a single family controls over 70 % of the media market.
” “ Or you could just chase politicians around in a chicken suit , ” explained the writer , “ but nobody would be silly enough to do that .
”

Literally everyone across Australia has sighed with resignation today, after hearing another politician was caught out doing something dodgy in plain sight and only got fired after it became an issue in the press.
“Gosh if only there was some kind of independent body to hold our country’s most powerful yet least accountable public servants to account for their actions,” shrugged every single poltician today. “Oh well I guess we’ll have to let them just keep on getting away with stuff because it would be impossible to make some kind of an ICAC.”
Asked what in god’s name he could do to try and fix this broken mess we call our nation’s parliaments, local man Darryn Datsun was surprised to learn that there are many things he can do. “Investing in quality accessible journalism is a great place to start,” explained a helpful writer in a satirical article who doesn’t understand the fourth wall. “Also as strange as it may sound, studies have shown that the best thing you can do to fight corruption at all levels of government is to increase your civic involvement at a local level. Joining local sports clubs, volunteering in community programmes, signing up to become involved in the decision making in a political party’s local branch, or even just holding a street party with your neighbours will all have a tangible effect on corruption at all levels of government, thanks to the onflow effect that accountability at small scales has on tolerance for wider corruption.”
“Or if you’re more of the destructive type, helping out in boycotts of broadcasters that attempt to incite division in local communities along lines of race, gender, sexuality, or political affiliation can also increase accountability, especially in a media landscape where a single family controls over 70% of the media market.”
“Or you could just chase politicians around in a chicken suit,” explained the writer, “but nobody would be silly enough to do that.”


thechaser--2020-06-16--Facebook reports mass deletion of ‘Bad Taste Staff Party 2008’ photo albums

Facebook has confirmed an unprecedented amount of space has been freed up on its servers over the past two weeks .
The social media giant said most of it was previously occupied by fancy-dress photo albums from 2006-2010 .
Most of the deleted posts were made by privately-educated men interested in ‘ Rowing ’ and ‘ Banter ’ .
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said “ We have never seen anything like this .
They ’ re disappearing at an exponential rate .
Albums with names like ‘ Bad taste staff party 2008 ’ , ‘ O-Week 2006 ’ , ‘ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ and ‘ Famous Sportspeople Halloween Justin ’ s House Random lol 2009 ’ just aren ’ t there anymore .
“ In keeping with our approach to content we can not make a judgement on whether the photos therein are ‘ bad ’ .
We can only say they are no longer there.
” Facebook also reported a surge in visits to the Privacy Settings section of users ’ profiles , and a cascade-effect culling of friends senior to them at their current workplace .
Project Manager Brad Nolan said “ What @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in 2010 ?
I don ’ t remember any fancy-dress bucks do on the Goldie back in 2010 .
Got any proof ?
You can ’ t even tell it was me under the mask .
”

Facebook has confirmed an unprecedented amount of space has been freed up on its servers over the past two weeks. The social media giant said most of it was previously occupied by fancy-dress photo albums from 2006-2010. Most of the deleted posts were made by privately-educated men interested in ‘Rowing’ and ‘Banter’.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said “We have never seen anything like this. They’re disappearing at an exponential rate. Albums with names like ‘Bad taste staff party 2008’, ‘O-Week 2006’, ‘Carly’s Fucked Up Hens Melbourne’ and ‘Famous Sportspeople Halloween Justin’s House Random lol 2009’ just aren’t there anymore.
“In keeping with our approach to content we cannot make a judgement on whether the photos therein are ‘bad’. We can only say they are no longer there.”
Facebook also reported a surge in visits to the Privacy Settings section of users’ profiles, and a cascade-effect culling of friends senior to them at their current workplace.
Project Manager Brad Nolan said “What fancy-dress bucks do on the Goldie back in 2010? I don’t remember any fancy-dress bucks do on the Goldie back in 2010. Got any proof? You can’t even tell it was me under the mask.”


thechaser--2020-06-16--Calls for Liberal Party to be removed from television due to racist characters

There have been mounting calls for the Liberal Party to be removed from television , due to a preponderance of racist characters .
“ Upon reviewing several episodes , ” said a spokesperson for the free-to-air networks , “ we found many cases of racist hate speech against migrant groups , indigenous Australians and refugees , as well as attacks on other minorities due to their religions or sexual orientation .
We can ’ t allow our audience and advertisers to be subjected to such dangerous hate speech which damages and degrades all members of society.
” Sources say the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ technique of placing an announcement before the news each evening saying that Liberal party characters , as well as characters in their spin-off shows the National Party , Pauline Hanson ’ s One Nation and the since cancelled shows Family First and Cory Bernardi ’ s Australian Conservatives , may express outdated views that were not in keeping with the network ’ s mission statement – ironic in the case of Disney which was founded by a devoted anti-Semite .
Lawyers who reviewed the footage said they included an episode in which the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , former PM John Howard , dog-whistles the electorate with anti-Asian statements , untruthfully suggests refugees had tried to drown their own children so as to sway an election at the last minute through xenophobia , and then publicly offends a large group of indigenous people to their faces until they turn their backs on him at which point he continues to loudly harangue them .
In one blackly-satirical episode , a character , former PM and George Pell protégée Tony Abbott , is awarded an Order of Australia for services to indigenous @ @ @ @ @ @ @ only to then publicly state that there is no evidence of racism against said Australians , despite figures given to him to the contrary .
Sources said this episode made one network lawyer physically ill upon viewing the script .
The list of offences also include statements from current PM Scott Morrison ( loosely based upon former Neighbours character Scott Robinson ) in his former role as commandant of several off-shore gulags that appear in the episodes only by name as the sets are strangely off-limits to camera crews .
In one episode @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an orphaned boy , who had recently watched his parents drown , to the mainland for their funeral .
One script to be filmed at Engadine MacDonald ’ s was so controversial that it was halted before filming , but sources claim it may have involved blackface .
PM Scott Morrison turned red and refused to discuss the episode in question when approached for comment by The Chaser .

There have been mounting calls for the Liberal Party to be removed from television, due to a preponderance of racist characters.
“Upon reviewing several episodes,” said a spokesperson for the free-to-air networks, “we found many cases of racist hate speech against migrant groups, indigenous Australians and refugees, as well as attacks on other minorities due to their religions or sexual orientation. We can’t allow our audience and advertisers to be subjected to such dangerous hate speech which damages and degrades all members of society.”
Sources say the networks first considered using the Disney Channel technique of placing an announcement before the news each evening saying that Liberal party characters, as well as characters in their spin-off shows the National Party, Pauline Hanson’s One Nation and the since cancelled shows Family First and Cory Bernardi’s Australian Conservatives, may express outdated views that were not in keeping with the network’s mission statement – ironic in the case of Disney which was founded by a devoted anti-Semite.
Lawyers who reviewed the footage said they included an episode in which the curmudgeonly grandfather and patriarch of the family, former PM John Howard, dog-whistles the electorate with anti-Asian statements, untruthfully suggests refugees had tried to drown their own children so as to sway an election at the last minute through xenophobia, and then publicly offends a large group of indigenous people to their faces until they turn their backs on him at which point he continues to loudly harangue them.
In one blackly-satirical episode, a character, former PM and George Pell protégée Tony Abbott, is awarded an Order of Australia for services to indigenous Australians by a character playing the Queen only to then publicly state that there is no evidence of racism against said Australians, despite figures given to him to the contrary. Sources said this episode made one network lawyer physically ill upon viewing the script.
The list of offences also include statements from current PM Scott Morrison (loosely based upon former Neighbours character Scott Robinson) in his former role as commandant of several off-shore gulags that appear in the episodes only by name as the sets are strangely off-limits to camera crews. In one episode Morrison complains about the cost of flying an orphaned boy, who had recently watched his parents drown, to the mainland for their funeral.
One script to be filmed at Engadine MacDonald’s was so controversial that it was halted before filming, but sources claim it may have involved blackface. PM Scott Morrison turned red and refused to discuss the episode in question when approached for comment by The Chaser.


thechaser--2020-06-16--South Australian Premier reveals border has been open for months but no one noticed

South Australian Premier , Steven Marshall , has embarrassingly revealed that the South Australian border has been open for months but no one has noticed or bothered to visit .
South Australia , the Wi-Fi deadspot of Australian states , hasn ’ t received a single visitor since the COVID-19 pandemic began… or more accurately , since 2007 when a British tourist thought he was in Tasmania due to a mix up with Tiger Airline flights .
The South Australian Premier tried telling news outlets months ago that his state would remain open but this “ news ” was flagged @ @ @ @ @ @ @ checkers who assumed it was fake .
There had been reports that teenagers , spotted by bored South Australian police , had dared each other to cross the border from Victoria thinking they were flouting state laws .
When the South Australian police informed them it was completely legal they quickly lost interest and drove home .
Marshall also revealed his state had survived the COVID-19 pandemic debt relatively unscathed .
This was because the South Australian government had been propping up the dying hotel and tourism industry for decades .
“ There @ @ @ @ @ @ @ budget deficit as we give ( AUD ) $ 4 Billion annually to the hotel and tourism industry so it ’ s bad business as usual for us , ” revealed Marshall from the 3 man tent used as Adelaide ’ s parliament building and sleeping quarters .
The press conference needed to be prematurely cut short at 4:59pm as South Australia is notoriously known for shutting down the state at 5pm to conserve electricity and avoid blackouts .

South Australian Premier, Steven Marshall, has embarrassingly revealed that the South Australian border has been open for months but no one has noticed or bothered to visit. South Australia, the Wi-Fi deadspot of Australian states, hasn’t received a single visitor since the COVID-19 pandemic began… or more accurately, since 2007 when a British tourist thought he was in Tasmania due to a mix up with Tiger Airline flights.
The South Australian Premier tried telling news outlets months ago that his state would remain open but this “news” was flagged as False or Misleading by Facebook fact checkers who assumed it was fake.
There had been reports that teenagers, spotted by bored South Australian police, had dared each other to cross the border from Victoria thinking they were flouting state laws. When the South Australian police informed them it was completely legal they quickly lost interest and drove home.
Marshall also revealed his state had survived the COVID-19 pandemic debt relatively unscathed. This was because the South Australian government had been propping up the dying hotel and tourism industry for decades. “There has been no noticeable changes to our budget deficit as we give (AUD) $4 Billion annually to the hotel and tourism industry so it’s bad business as usual for us, ” revealed Marshall from the 3 man tent used as Adelaide’s parliament building and sleeping quarters.
The press conference needed to be prematurely cut short at 4:59pm as South Australia is notoriously known for shutting down the state at 5pm to conserve electricity and avoid blackouts.


thechaser--2020-06-17--Prince Andrew statue fast-tracked

Prince Andrew statue fast-tracked

A statue of Prince Andrew has been fast-tracked , and will be erected outside Buckingham Palace later this week .
@ @ @ @ @ the decision after they noticed that statues depicting vile people who did terrible things in @ @ @ @ @ all the rage at the moment .
The 3-metre effigy of the Queen ’ s @ @ @ @ @ in late 2019 when it looked like statues , once unveiled , would hang around @ @ @ @ @ However , there now exists an opportunity to get it finished , out and into @ @ @ @ @ turns bad .
The statue is in recognition of Prince Andrew ’ s services in @ @ @ @ @ suicide ” of Jeffrey Epstein .
Sculptor Tatiana Wood-Masters said “ We ’ re working @ @ @ @ @ finished .
If we miss our window it ’ s going to have to stay @ @ @ @ @ We originally suggested displaying it on a plinth at the bottom of a flooded quarry @ @ @ @ @ sunk even lower than that .
”

A statue of Prince Andrew has been fast-tracked, and will be erected outside Buckingham Palace later this week.
A spokesperson said they made the decision after they noticed that statues depicting vile people who did terrible things in the past seemed to be all the rage at the moment.
The 3-metre effigy of the Queen’s least popular child was commissioned in late 2019 when it looked like statues, once unveiled, would hang around for a long time. However, there now exists an opportunity to get it finished, out and into a river before the weather turns bad.
The statue is in recognition of Prince Andrew’s services in his role in the “suicide” of Jeffrey Epstein.
Sculptor Tatiana Wood-Masters said “We’re working 20-hour days to get it finished. If we miss our window it’s going to have to stay wherever we put it. We originally suggested displaying it on a plinth at the bottom of a flooded quarry but apparently Prince Andrew has sunk even lower than that.”


thechaser--2020-06-19--An Important Message to the Staff and Students of Chaser University

As you may know , the Federal Government has just announced a bit of an overhaul of the university sector , so we ’ d like to just run through what that means for the staff and students of Chaser University .
First of all , if you ’ re a staff member and you ’ re receiving this email , rest assured you have nothing to worry about .
Everyone who has been targeted for the first wave of redundancies has been excluded from this mailing list so that we can keep them in the dark as long as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be in the second and third wave of redundancies , so don ’ t get too comfortable .
Ha ha .
Just kidding .
But seriously , you might .
Secondly , we have had no choice but to align our courses with the government ’ s funding priorities .
Basically , the government ’ s approach has identified two strategic areas that it is going to bet Australia ’ s future on : • Professions where you have to dress up and fix things This means that if you ’ re in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mother lode .
Not only is Engineering basically all about concrete , you also have to dress up in a hard hat and high-vis all the time .
Works great for photo-ops with Scotty , so it ’ s basically win-win-win .
Same with science .
You guys came up with concrete and you wear lab coats , so you ’ ll be fine .
Keep up the good work .
Now I know you ’ re probably thinking : “ But women have been the hardest hit by the coronavirus crisis , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ disciplines most heavily skewed towards men in the tertiary sector ” .
To which I say “ Hey look , Australia is under cyber-attack !
” The medical faculty doesn ’ t have to worry either .
Doctors are all about fixing things .
Bingo .
And Scotty is very keen on getting good photo-ops with doctors in those white coats after this pandemic is all sorted .
Will look great on the how-to-votes .
If you can bring your stethoscopes , that ’ d be great .
Now for the bad news @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we ’ re going to destroy the humanities , as well as law schools .
The problem with the humanities and law school is that they tend to identify problems rather than fix things .
Problematic race relations , misunderstandings in our nation ’ s history , entrenched systemic discrimination .
These are all things that we wouldn ’ t be constantly having to worry about if people in the humanities didn ’ t constantly go on about them .
Worse still , while they ’ re creating all these new problems , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in a distinctive uniform .
Where ’ s the photo-op ?
Frankly , the law faculty are the worst .
They ’ re constantly trying to find human rights conventions and climate treaties that we ’ re supposedly breaching .
Or droning on about secret trials even though we TOLD THEM IT WAS A SECRET .
Australia has enough things to fix at the moment , without adding to the inbox .
So , let ’ s just pause on all that crap .
If you want to learn about history , there @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and look at .
Anyway , these are the major changes .
If you ’ re at all worried about how these changes will affect you personally , don ’ t worry .
It ’ s not that you ’ ve got nothing to worry about , it ’ s just that you might as well not add to your problems by worrying about it .
Oh , and just to clarify , when the Education Minister Dan Tehan says “ This does not mean fee deregulation .
This does not mean $ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is that he is deregulating fees and that degrees will now cost $ 100,000 .
But you really need a humanities degree to read between the lines on that one , and now you can ’ t afford one !
P.S .
Our capital works budget will not be affected .
This originally appeared in the Chaser Weakly Newsletter # 86 – sign-up for free

Dear Staff and Students of Chaser University,
As you may know, the Federal Government has just announced a bit of an overhaul of the university sector, so we’d like to just run through what that means for the staff and students of Chaser University.
First of all, if you’re a staff member and you’re receiving this email, rest assured you have nothing to worry about. Everyone who has been targeted for the first wave of redundancies has been excluded from this mailing list so that we can keep them in the dark as long as possible.
Mind you, you might be in the second and third wave of redundancies, so don’t get too comfortable. Ha ha. Just kidding. But seriously, you might.
Secondly, we have had no choice but to align our courses with the government’s funding priorities. Basically, the government’s approach has identified two strategic areas that it is going to bet Australia’s future on:
Concrete, and concrete-related industries
Professions where you have to dress up and fix things
This means that if you’re in Engineering, you’ve hit the mother lode. Not only is Engineering basically all about concrete, you also have to dress up in a hard hat and high-vis all the time. Works great for photo-ops with Scotty, so it’s basically win-win-win.
Same with science. You guys came up with concrete and you wear lab coats, so you’ll be fine. Keep up the good work.
Now I know you’re probably thinking: “But women have been the hardest hit by the coronavirus crisis, and Engineering and Science are the two disciplines most heavily skewed towards men in the tertiary sector”. To which I say “Hey look, Australia is under cyber-attack!”
The medical faculty doesn’t have to worry either. Doctors are all about fixing things. Bingo. And Scotty is very keen on getting good photo-ops with doctors in those white coats after this pandemic is all sorted. Will look great on the how-to-votes. If you can bring your stethoscopes, that’d be great.
Now for the bad news. As you have probably guessed, we’re going to destroy the humanities, as well as law schools.
The problem with the humanities and law school is that they tend to identify problems rather than fix things. Problematic race relations, misunderstandings in our nation’s history, entrenched systemic discrimination. These are all things that we wouldn’t be constantly having to worry about if people in the humanities didn’t constantly go on about them.
Worse still, while they’re creating all these new problems, they don’t even dress up in a distinctive uniform. Where’s the photo-op?
Frankly, the law faculty are the worst. They’re constantly trying to find human rights conventions and climate treaties that we’re supposedly breaching. Or droning on about secret trials even though we TOLD THEM IT WAS A SECRET.
Australia has enough things to fix at the moment, without adding to the inbox. So, let’s just pause on all that crap. If you want to learn about history, there are plenty of statues around to go and look at.
Anyway, these are the major changes. If you’re at all worried about how these changes will affect you personally, don’t worry. It’s not that you’ve got nothing to worry about, it’s just that you might as well not add to your problems by worrying about it.
Oh, and just to clarify, when the Education Minister Dan Tehan says “This does not mean fee deregulation. This does not mean $100,000 degrees”, what he means is that he is deregulating fees and that degrees will now cost $100,000. But you really need a humanities degree to read between the lines on that one, and now you can’t afford one!
Yours sincerely,
Charles Firth
Vice-Chancellor
Chaser University
P.S. Our capital works budget will not be affected.
This originally appeared in the Chaser Weakly Newsletter #86 – sign-up for free


thechaser--2020-06-19--Cyber attack thwarted by NBN outage

Cyber attack thwarted by NBN outage

We ’ re at the pub so just imagine we wrote some very witty jokes here .

We’re at the pub so just imagine we wrote some very witty jokes here.
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thechaser--2020-06-19--Australia is under attack by state-based actor: universities targeted

As you read this , a malicious cyber-attack is underway across Australia .
According to Prime Minister Scott Morrison , it is being perpetrated by a state-based actor targeting specific industries .
Althought details are sketchy at this stage , this state-based actor seems to be attacking the University sector , depriving it of billions of dollars of funding , targeting the humanities .
The state-based actor has been identified by unconfirmed reports as going by the pseudonym ‘ Dan Tehan ’ , and it is a relentless all-out attack that experts say could take years to unfold .
While @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , it seems clear that the intended effect is to weaken Australia ’ s understanding of its own history , culture and permanently damage its civil society institutions .
While Morrison is refusing to name a cost to the Australian economy , experts say the damage for an Arts degree could be up to $ 140,000 , more than double its current cost .
Experts say that the attack on history courses may have something to do with the preponderance of statues around Australia .
“ History degrees are now unnecessary in Australia @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at statues if they want to learn history .
”

As you read this, a malicious cyber-attack is underway across Australia. According to Prime Minister Scott Morrison, it is being perpetrated by a state-based actor targeting specific industries.
Althought details are sketchy at this stage, this state-based actor seems to be attacking the University sector, depriving it of billions of dollars of funding, targeting the humanities.
The state-based actor has been identified by unconfirmed reports as going by the pseudonym ‘Dan Tehan’, and it is a relentless all-out attack that experts say could take years to unfold.
While the motives for the attack remain unclear, it seems clear that the intended effect is to weaken Australia’s understanding of its own history, culture and permanently damage its civil society institutions.
While Morrison is refusing to name a cost to the Australian economy, experts say the damage for an Arts degree could be up to $140,000, more than double its current cost.
Experts say that the attack on history courses may have something to do with the preponderance of statues around Australia. “History degrees are now unnecessary in Australia. People can just go and look at statues if they want to learn history.”
MORE TO COME…


thechaser--2020-06-20--Party consistently on the wrong side of history moves to cut it from Uni

The party that has been behind the the times on every single topic has today frantically increased the price for university history degrees , explaining that the party ’ s core mission to ensure we return to living in the 1950s has made those degrees redundant .
“ They always said those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it , ” explained Prime Minister Morrison today .
“ But looking at us back in the 20s with the world heading into a depression , with Nazis making a comeback and a giant divide between the rich @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to march for their civil rights , it ’ s clear nobody has learned anything from history at all.
” However critics have pointed out that erasing history may just be a convenient way to hide the Liberal Party ’ s terrible track record on almost every issue .
“ They probably just want us all to forget the bit where they claimed gay marriage would destroy society , ” explained one historian , “ or when they said they wouldn ’ t introduce a GST and then immediately did after getting elected @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t cut funding to the ABC and then immediately did after getting elected , or when they were denounced by Malcom Frasier for mistreating refugees , when they announced a budget surplus in the future , only to end up with a massive multi billion dollar deficit ” he continued .
“ Or maybe they just want to erase that time Morrison said that slavery didn ’ t exist in this country .
Heck maybe they just want us all to forget that time ScoMo was declared the best possible candidate to run @ @ @ @ @ @ @ away to Hawaii .
That certainly won ’ t look so good to future historians .
”

The party that has been behind the the times on every single topic has today frantically increased the price for university history degrees, explaining that the party’s core mission to ensure we return to living in the 1950s has made those degrees redundant.
“They always said those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it,” explained Prime Minister Morrison today. “But looking at us back in the 20s with the world heading into a depression, with Nazis making a comeback and a giant divide between the rich and poor, and black people having to march for their civil rights,it’s clear nobody has learned anything from history at all.”
However critics have pointed out that erasing history may just be a convenient way to hide the Liberal Party’s terrible track record on almost every issue. “They probably just want us all to forget the bit where they claimed gay marriage would destroy society,” explained one historian, “or when they said they wouldn’t introduce a GST and then immediately did after getting elected, where they said they wouldn’t cut funding to the ABC and then immediately did after getting elected, or when they were denounced by Malcom Frasier for mistreating refugees, when they announced a budget surplus in the future, only to end up with a massive multi billion dollar deficit” he continued. “Or maybe they just want to erase that time Morrison said that slavery didn’t exist in this country. Heck maybe they just want us all to forget that time ScoMo was declared the best possible candidate to run the country and then he immediately ran away to Hawaii. That certainly won’t look so good to future historians.”