thechaser--2020-10-26--Left-wing voter wishes Biden was as cool as conservative media claims he is

As the US election draws closer and more Americans try to vote , some left-wing voters waiting in line have been caught daydreaming of a Joe Biden that is as cool as conservative media portrays him to be .
Some of these voters have remarked that they wished he was the hard-left Antifa leader planning to topple America ’ s current imbalanced systems they see conservative talking heads rant about every day on twitter .
“ Why did it have to be another straight old-white dude ?
” asked the women who backed Bernie Sanders in the primaries .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ vote for someone cool who will make America into the Utopia we always claim to be .
I want the Joe Biden Fox News hates , though I ’ ll happily settle for incremental reform Joe if it means no more Trump.
” “ Conservative media hypes him up as a gun hating socialist who plans to end fracking , defund the police and bring in Medicare-for-all .
That would be so fucking cool .
His position on defunding the police is sort of the opposite .
I say sort of because sure @ @ @ @ @ @ @ area I think needs more funding but still .
I mean sure he is more against the stuff I am against than Trump but come on .
Just because he is better than Trump doesn ’ t mean I should necessarily vote for him , it ’ s not like those are the only two realistic choices .
There is also Kanye.
” “ Even the senile dementia stuff would be more interesting than the real thing .
A president with a stutter really ?
No world leader has ever needed to take @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sentences before or ever stumbled on a word .
If there were , wouldn ’ t there be Oscar-winning movies about their speeches ?
I mean sure Trump might constantly talk in sentences that make no sense , that are usually just lies made up of a combination of bragging , racism , sexism , xenophobia , ableism , anti-science , and incest , but I ’ m convinced occasionally pausing and saying the wrong word is similarly as bad.
” “ People online say I ‘ should ’ vote Biden but the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get what it ’ s like to have to vote between two people who aren ’ t perfect choices .
I don ’ t want to have to choose the lesser of two evils.
” Many from around the world have responded to the constant complaints that ‘ Biden isn ’ t perfect ’ by saying : “ Grow up .
This is the real world .
We don ’ t live in some fairy-tale land like New Zealand .
Democracy is about choosing the least worst candidate .
The closest the rest @ @ @ @ @ @ @ vs Bernie was when Britain had Boris vs Corbyn , and that socialist was pro-Brexit and constantly would lie about dealing with the antisemitism problem within his party .
Trust us Democrats we get it ‘ Bernie or bust ’ , but please don ’ t actually let the world go bust again.
” Update : America said they would consider it , while repeatedly punching themselves in the face for four years to own the libs

As the US election draws closer and more Americans try to vote, some left-wing voters waiting in line have been caught daydreaming of a Joe Biden that is as cool as conservative media portrays him to be. Some of these voters have remarked that they wished he was the hard-left Antifa leader planning to topple America’s current imbalanced systems they see conservative talking heads rant about every day on twitter.
“Why did it have to be another straight old-white dude?” asked the women who backed Bernie Sanders in the primaries. “Just once I’d like to vote for someone cool who will make America into the Utopia we always claim to be. I want the Joe Biden Fox News hates, though I’ll happily settle for incremental reform Joe if it means no more Trump.”
“Conservative media hypes him up as a gun hating socialist who plans to end fracking, defund the police and bring in Medicare-for-all. That would be so fucking cool. His position on defunding the police is sort of the opposite. I say sort of because sure it does involve more funding in every area I think needs more funding but still. I mean sure he is more against the stuff I am against than Trump but come on. Just because he is better than Trump doesn’t mean I should necessarily vote for him, it’s not like those are the only two realistic choices. There is also Kanye.”
“Even the senile dementia stuff would be more interesting than the real thing. A president with a stutter really? No world leader has ever needed to take a moment to formulate their thoughts into sentences before or ever stumbled on a word. If there were, wouldn’t there be Oscar-winning movies about their speeches? I mean sure Trump might constantly talk in sentences that make no sense, that are usually just lies made up of a combination of bragging, racism, sexism, xenophobia, ableism, anti-science, and incest, but I’m convinced occasionally pausing and saying the wrong word is similarly as bad.”
“People online say I ‘should’ vote Biden but the rest of the world doesn’t get what it’s like to have to vote between two people who aren’t perfect choices. I don’t want to have to choose the lesser of two evils.”
Many from around the world have responded to the constant complaints that ‘Biden isn’t perfect’ by saying: “Grow up. This is the real world. We don’t live in some fairy-tale land like New Zealand. Democracy is about choosing the least worst candidate. The closest the rest of the world got to a Trump vs Bernie was when Britain had Boris vs Corbyn, and that socialist was pro-Brexit and constantly would lie about dealing with the antisemitism problem within his party. Trust us Democrats we get it ‘Bernie or bust’, but please don’t actually let the world go bust again.”
Update: America said they would consider it, while repeatedly punching themselves in the face for four years to own the libs


thechaser--2020-10-26--News Corp condemn Dan Andrews’ new direction, demand immediate return to stage 3 lockdown

Staff at The Herald Sun have today been rushed to hospital , after the entire company suffered from whiplash after attempting a rapid pivot against opening up Victoria .
Hearing Dan Andrews announce that the state would no longer be in lockdown in 14 days time , the newspaper ’ s editors frantically rushed to remove all previous articles from their website asking for Dan to do exactly that , instead replacing them with stories about how Dan isn ’ t enough of a dictator .
“ What a nutcase , doesn ’ t this guy know there ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Andrew Bolt in a blog post this evening .
“ If you ’ re a sensible Victorian like me and Jeff Kennett , you ’ ll be ignoring this order by softie Dan Andrews , and you ’ ll continue locking down indefinitely , until there ’ s a vaccine , or until Dan asks us to lock down again.
” Asked whether they would be giving Dan Andrews any praise for eliminating the virus and opening up the economy again , Herald Sun reporters said that they couldn ’ t guarantee anything @ @ @ @ @ @ @ report what they see , and then watch their stories be completely rewritten at the editorial stage to fit the narrative of Rupert Murdoch .

Staff at The Herald Sun have today been rushed to hospital, after the entire company suffered from whiplash after attempting a rapid pivot against opening up Victoria. Hearing Dan Andrews announce that the state would no longer be in lockdown in 14 days time, the newspaper’s editors frantically rushed to remove all previous articles from their website asking for Dan to do exactly that, instead replacing them with stories about how Dan isn’t enough of a dictator.
“What a nutcase, doesn’t this guy know there’s a deadly virus about?” wrote Andrew Bolt in a blog post this evening. “If you’re a sensible Victorian like me and Jeff Kennett, you’ll be ignoring this order by softie Dan Andrews, and you’ll continue locking down indefinitely, until there’s a vaccine, or until Dan asks us to lock down again.”
Asked whether they would be giving Dan Andrews any praise for eliminating the virus and opening up the economy again, Herald Sun reporters said that they couldn’t guarantee anything, as they are journalists who simply report what they see, and then watch their stories be completely rewritten at the editorial stage to fit the narrative of Rupert Murdoch.


thechaser--2020-10-28--Historical Catholic Church knocked down to make room for a highway

The Victorian government has caused international outrage by quietly knocking down several historic Catholic Churches in order to make way for a new highway .
A government spokesperson described the event as ‘ a regular part of necessary change and they understand it might be tough for Christians but we all must be willing to make sacrifices for the betterment of everyone.
’ “ It is regrettable .
But a fair deal was made with leaders from the Church , so I don ’ t get why they would even get mad now.
” claimed the spokesperson .
“ We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ money and choose a couple Churches to stay , or we would choose to knock them all down .
So , I think you will find it is very much on them and not us.
” “ What people need to understand is your beliefs are important , but highways are more important.
” “ We respect their culture a lot , and happily showcase it whenever we need to a tourism campaign.
” “ It had to happen though .
It ’ s not like Australia is a wide brown land and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ avoided the churches .
It ’ s an Australian tradition to not give a shit about what was there before us .
Sorry Christians , that ’ s how this works , you should know that by now .
”

The Victorian government has caused international outrage by quietly knocking down several historic Catholic Churches in order to make way for a new highway. A government spokesperson described the event as ‘a regular part of necessary change and they understand it might be tough for Christians but we all must be willing to make sacrifices for the betterment of everyone.’
“It is regrettable. But a fair deal was made with leaders from the Church, so I don’t get why they would even get mad now.” claimed the spokesperson.
“We gave them the option to receive some money and choose a couple Churches to stay, or we would choose to knock them all down. So, I think you will find it is very much on them and not us.”
“What people need to understand is your beliefs are important, but highways are more important.”
“We respect their culture a lot, and happily showcase it whenever we need to a tourism campaign.”
“It had to happen though. It’s not like Australia is a wide brown land and with easily enough space to have just avoided the churches. It’s an Australian tradition to not give a shit about what was there before us. Sorry Christians, that’s how this works, you should know that by now.”


thechaser--2020-10-30--Government denies being secretly dodgy: “there’s nothing secret about it”

Scott Morrison has categorically denied his government is constantly involved in secret dodgy business , saying the dodgy behaviour has been anything but secret .
“ The idea that our government would be hiding dodgy behaviour is completely unfounded and borders on defamatory , ” said an angry Prime Minister .
“ We have nothing to hide !
Why would we ?
It ’ s not like anyone can stop us from being corrupt .
Hiding it would be a complete waste of time .
Time that could be better spent paying our mates to do jobs they never will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ requests for a National Integrity Commission by just smirking at my phone , I assumed you understood .
But I guess you idiots need to have it spelt out to you .
We aren ’ t trying to be secretive , we are basking in our own success.
” “ Seriously .
What can stop us ?
The only one with the power to stop us is The Queen , and if she does that we would be a republic faster than you can say ‘ new Sydney airport ’ .
Plus guess @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up the republic ?
Mwu ha ha ha ha !
”

Scott Morrison has categorically denied his government is constantly involved in secret dodgy business, saying the dodgy behaviour has been anything but secret.
“The idea that our government would be hiding dodgy behaviour is completely unfounded and borders on defamatory,” said an angry Prime Minister. “We have nothing to hide! Why would we? It’s not like anyone can stop us from being corrupt. Hiding it would be a complete waste of time. Time that could be better spent paying our mates to do jobs they never will do.”
“When I respond to requests for a National Integrity Commission by just smirking at my phone, I assumed you understood. But I guess you idiots need to have it spelt out to you. We aren’t trying to be secretive, we are basking in our own success.”
“Seriously. What can stop us? The only one with the power to stop us is The Queen, and if she does that we would be a republic faster than you can say ‘new Sydney airport’. Plus guess who would be in charge of setting up the republic? Mwu ha ha ha ha!”


thechaser--2020-10-30--Labor Party calls for looser gun laws to make it easier to shoot themselves in the foot

“ Opposition ” leader Anthony Albanese has called for the government to loosen gun restrictions to help the Labor Party shoot themselves in the foot .
Insiders say that nobody in the party wanted looser gun laws except for disgraced former minister Joel Fitzgibbon .
Fitzgibbon said that even though looser gun laws are extremely unpopular with voters , the Labor Party needs to embrace the policy to appeal to a small segment of Liberal Party voters who will never vote for the Labor Party anyway .
The move comes after a party review said that Labor should become exactly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with a different colour on its posters .
“ We should be helping quiet Australians , ” said Mr Albanese .
“ And who is quieter on all the major issues than our front benchers ?
” “ In the last few weeks there has been a worrying trend growing within our party , actually standing up against unpopular and dangerous decisions by the federal government , ” Mr Albanese said .
“ Standing up for things that matter would be a dangerous change of approach for our party which is why we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ errors to keep the status quo .
That ’ s where Joel Fitzgibbon is a real pro .
Just look at his whole career.
” “ Luckily for the Labor Party we have people like Joel Fitzgibbon who will shut down the leftist elites within the party who want to appeal to a majority of the electorate , by stopping climate change .
That ’ s why we need to loosen the silly gun laws so we can shoot ourselves in the foot before things get out of hand .
”

Labor Party calls for looser gun laws to make it easier to shoot themselves in the foot
“Opposition” leader Anthony Albanese has called for the government to loosen gun restrictions to help the Labor Party shoot themselves in the foot.
Insiders say that nobody in the party wanted looser gun laws except for disgraced former minister Joel Fitzgibbon.
Fitzgibbon said that even though looser gun laws are extremely unpopular with voters, the Labor Party needs to embrace the policy to appeal to a small segment of Liberal Party voters who will never vote for the Labor Party anyway.
The move comes after a party review said that Labor should become exactly the same as the Liberal Party but with a different colour on its posters. “We should be helping quiet Australians,” said Mr Albanese. “And who is quieter on all the major issues than our front benchers?”
“In the last few weeks there has been a worrying trend growing within our party, actually standing up against unpopular and dangerous decisions by the federal government,” Mr Albanese said. “Standing up for things that matter would be a dangerous change of approach for our party which is why we always must have completely inexplicably stupid unforced errors to keep the status quo. That’s where Joel Fitzgibbon is a real pro. Just look at his whole career.”
“Luckily for the Labor Party we have people like Joel Fitzgibbon who will shut down the leftist elites within the party who want to appeal to a majority of the electorate, by stopping climate change. That’s why we need to loosen the silly gun laws so we can shoot ourselves in the foot before things get out of hand.”


thechaser--2020-10-31--“I’ve no time for federal ICAC,” says man who found time to call NRL about national anthem

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today reiterated that he simply has no time to create a federal corruption commission as he is far “ too busy focusing on the pandemic ” .
Speaking on the phone to the NRL board today during a break in his hectic Bunnings build schedule , the part-time Prime Minister and fulltime backyard hobbyist told the board that there simply isn ’ t enough time in the day to deal with corruption in Parliament , before getting back onto the much more pressing topic of whether people sing the national anthem at a state level @ @ @ @ @ @ @ need an ICAC anyway ?
” asked a perplexed Morrison to the Bunnings checkout staff .
“ We ’ ve already got plenty of government bodies that look into that stuff – like the ACCC for example .
Sure the head of that anti-corruption body just got stood down for corruption but that just shows the system is working as intended.
” When pointed out that the bill for a corruption commision has already been drafted and tabled in parliament , and that it would take only minutes to hold the vote and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wishes someone would do something like that , but it ’ s simply out of his hands .
“ Look I don ’ t hold a gavel mate , ” said Morrison jetting off to a brief holiday in Queensland .
“ If you want laws passed go talk to one of those lawyer thingy guys .
You know the ones with the wigs ?
I ’ m pretty sure it ’ s their job to do the legal stuff .
I just pass funding for chaplains in schools.
” Asked whether the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ corporations might indicate that more oversight is needed – Morrison said that he would give every member of the press a free watch if they pretended like the problem doesn ’ t exist .

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today reiterated that he simply has no time to create a federal corruption commission as he is far “too busy focusing on the pandemic”. Speaking on the phone to the NRL board today during a break in his hectic Bunnings build schedule, the part-time Prime Minister and fulltime backyard hobbyist told the board that there simply isn’t enough time in the day to deal with corruption in Parliament, before getting back onto the much more pressing topic of whether people sing the national anthem at a state level football game.
“Why would anyone need an ICAC anyway?” asked a perplexed Morrison to the Bunnings checkout staff. “We’ve already got plenty of government bodies that look into that stuff – like the ASIC for example. Sure the head of that anti-corruption body just got stood down for corruption but that just shows the system is working as intended.”
When pointed out that the bill for a corruption commision has already been drafted and tabled in parliament, and that it would take only minutes to hold the vote and pass it, Morrison said that he wishes someone would do something like that, but it’s simply out of his hands. “Look I don’t hold a gavel mate,” said Morrison jetting off to a brief holiday in Queensland. “If you want laws passed go talk to one of those lawyer thingy guys. You know the ones with the wigs? I’m pretty sure it’s their job to do the legal stuff. I just pass funding for chaplains in schools.”
Asked whether the recent string of scandals relating to government corporations might indicate that more oversight is needed – Morrison said that he would give every member of the press a free watch if they pretended like the problem doesn’t exist.
We apologise for an earlier error in this article which accidentally referred to the ACCC instead of ASIC head as being corrupt, rest assured all the corrupt people at the ACCC have not been stood down


thechaser--2020-10-31--Man wins scariest Halloween costume after turning up to party without a mask

A Halloween party has ended in disaster today , after a man took the ‘ scary costume ’ theme objectively too far by turning up without a mask .
“ I swear I didn ’ t mean to frighten anyone , ” claimed Gary , the alleged perpetrator .
“ I just thought a mask didn ’ t suit my outfit .
I see most people seem to have come as a doctor or a nurse , but I just wanted to dress up as Superman .
I apologise , I should have been smarter about what to wear to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ should have dressed up in a hazmat suit instead .
That would have been a far better choice.
” Police , who shut down the party shortly after for organising more than 20 people in one location without a fitness bootcamp permit , said that it was a concerning trend among revelers this year .
“ Yesterday evening we were made aware of a person or persons , who attended a gathering or event , without a mask or masks .
Due to the nature of the event being a party in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ most or all involved would be influencers or socialites and that the party would be taking place amongst wealthy people only , many of whom we presume to be Caucasian.
” “ Due to these factors we were not able to appear during the event as we were too busy trying our hardest to catch and fine people who live in poorer neighbourhoods or neighbourhoods with a higher percentage of ethnic minorities for doing the same thing despite there being no reported incidents.
” In related news , a member of parliament has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Halloween Ball this year for his terrifying monster costume .
It was later confirmed that this was in fact just Peter Dutton in normal clothes .

A Halloween party has ended in disaster today, after a man took the ‘scary costume’ theme objectively too far by turning up without a mask.
“I swear I didn’t mean to frighten anyone,” claimed Gary, the alleged perpetrator. “I just thought a mask didn’t suit my outfit. I see most people seem to have come as a doctor or a nurse, but I just wanted to dress up as Superman. I apologise, I should have been smarter about what to wear to a party during Covid. Maybe I should have dressed up in a hazmat suit instead. That would have been a far better choice.”
Police, who shut down the party shortly after for organising more than 20 people in one location without a fitness bootcamp permit, said that it was a concerning trend among revelers this year. “Yesterday evening we were made aware of a person or persons, who attended a gathering or event, without a mask or masks. Due to the nature of the event being a party in the year of 2020, we assessed that most or all involved would be influencers or socialites and that the party would be taking place amongst wealthy people only, many of whom we presume to be Caucasian.”
“Due to these factors we were not able to appear during the event as we were too busy trying our hardest to catch and fine people who live in poorer neighbourhoods or neighbourhoods with a higher percentage of ethnic minorities for doing the same thing despite there being no reported incidents.”
In related news, a member of parliament has been awarded scariest costume at the annual Halloween Ball this year for his terrifying monster costume. It was later confirmed that this was in fact just Peter Dutton in normal clothes.


thechaser--2020-11-01--AusPost exec forced to return watch after it turns up three days late and broken

An Australia Post executive has received her congratulatory Cartier watch six weeks after it left the depot .
Carole Pushkin @ @ @ @ @ on Friday .
Pushkin was rewarded with the designer timepiece after increasing sales of ‘ @ @ @ @ @ country music CD boxsets and novelty staplers within the New South Wales market .
“ @ @ @ @ @ ‘ e ’ off my surname so the postman became confused and afraid , ” @ @ @ @ @ speculate on the delay .
“ When the package came back I didn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ seconds , so they left again .
The third time I got lucky !
” @ @ @ @ @ honestly been happy with a few stamps , or one of those pens with a @ @ @ @ @ the 48-year-old .
“ But , I have to admit , it ’ s very @ @ @ @ @ “ I ’ m just glad it ’ s finally here , ” she continued @ @ @ @ @ arrived smashed to fuck .
”

AusPost exec forced to return watch after it turns up three days late and broken
An Australia Post executive has received her congratulatory Cartier watch six weeks after it left the depot. Carole Pushkin took delivery of the package on Friday.
Pushkin was rewarded with the designer timepiece after increasing sales of ‘Australian Birds’ calendars, country music CD boxsets and novelty staplers within the New South Wales market.
“I understand they left the ‘e’ off my surname so the postman became confused and afraid,” said Pushkin when asked to speculate on the delay. “When the package came back I didn’t answer the door within three seconds, so they left again. The third time I got lucky!”
“I’d have honestly been happy with a few stamps, or one of those pens with a torch in,” said the 48-year-old. “But, I have to admit, it’s very nice to feel appreciated.”
“I’m just glad it’s finally here,” she continued. “Unfortunately, it arrived smashed to fuck.”


thechaser--2020-11-01--One Nation slams ABC for not having Pauline on more during her boycott of ABC

After suffering a humiliating loss in the Queensland elections that was extremely satisfying to watch , Pauline Hanson ’ s One Nation party have partially blamed the crushing defeat on the ABC for not having Pauline on enough to talk about her thoughts surrounding issues .
“ I have barely ever appeared as a guest on the ABC ’ s shows ” complained Pauline , “ ever since my boycott against appearing on ABC programs began in 2017 they ’ ve refused to have me on.
” “ This is flat out discrimination and I will not stand for it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ the ABC are complicit in the destruction of Australia by not having me appear on shows that I refuse to appear on .
What is stopping them from having me on ?
It ’ s an un-Australian disgrace if you ask me.
” “ If they had me on more , the ABC audience will be able to hear what I think about every issue , that would surely help me in my campaigns .
They ’ d see I stand by my convictions , just like my conviction to not appear @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t have me on enough.
” In response to her fake-tear fuelled rant , producers for Channel 7 ’ s Sunrise have spoken out in support of Pauline saying , “ It ’ s ok Pauline , we still love you .
You will always have a home here , no matter what you do .
You are a much needed and clearly very popular voice in Australia so we are happy to hear your opinions , then pretend to be shocked by them despite clearly agreeing with them , then pretending to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Yay Pauline !
”

After suffering a humiliating loss in the Queensland elections that was extremely satisfying to watch, Pauline Hanson’s One Nation party have partially blamed the crushing defeat on the ABC for not having Pauline on enough to talk about her thoughts surrounding issues. “I have barely ever appeared as a guest on the ABC’s shows” complained Pauline, “ever since my boycott against appearing on ABC programs began in 2017 they’ve refused to have me on.”
“This is flat out discrimination and I will not stand for it!” said the outspoken racist, “the ABC are complicit in the destruction of Australia by not having me appear on shows that I refuse to appear on. What is stopping them from having me on? It’s an un-Australian disgrace if you ask me.”
“If they had me on more, the ABC audience will be able to hear what I think about every issue, that would surely help me in my campaigns. They’d see I stand by my convictions, just like my conviction to not appear on the network that again doesn’t have me on enough.”
In response to her fake-tear fuelled rant, producers for Channel 7’s Sunrise have spoken out in support of Pauline saying, “It’s ok Pauline, we still love you. You will always have a home here, no matter what you do. You are a much needed and clearly very popular voice in Australia so we are happy to hear your opinions, then pretend to be shocked by them despite clearly agreeing with them, then pretending to be upset until you are back again. Yay Pauline!”


thechaser--2020-11-02--AusPost CEO to deliver resignation letter in 6-8 weeks

Besieged Australia Post CEO Christine Holgate has today stood down from her role , after a shock scandal saw the CEO do the exact same kind of dodgy stuff that most company boards do without anyone saying anything .
Stating that she was resigning ‘ effective immediately ’ Holgate handed in her resignation letter , which should arrive some time between 8am and 8pm in the second week of December .
“ This kind of thing is simply not on , ” a furious Scott Morrison told Question time earlier this week .
“ Rest assured , apart from the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the reef fund , the water holdings , that beach shack that got all that money , the au pairs , our Finance Minister failing to declare a free holiday he received weeks before awarding the provider a $ 1 billion contract , Joe Hockey ’ s possible involvement in the tendering process for a company he held shares in , Parakeelia , the drug cartel accusations , the franking credits scandal , the accommodation entitlement rorts , Stuart Robert ’ s internet bill , the $ 30 million Foxtel payout , Angus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the health services contract given to an ex-party member , the staffer jobs given to coal lobbyists , the misleading election signage , Gladys Liu ’ s preselection , Robodebt , Peter Dutton ’ s childcare interests , the $ 10 million rural grant to upgrade a North Sydney pool , the party hiring a former staffer to lead a corruption investigation , Morrison refusing to release the Sports Rort investigation report , the $ 300,000 given to News Corp to develop a website , and Barnaby Joyce ’ s entire career , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kind of corruption.
” Asked what she will be doing with her time now , Holgate said she looks forward to joining the board of a private corporation , where gifting herself and board members thousands of dollars worth of unwarranted perks for sitting around eating donuts will be applauded by the Liberal Party as simply the free market running as planned .

Besieged Australia Post CEO Christine Holgate has today stood down from her role, after a shock scandal saw the CEO do the exact same kind of dodgy stuff that most company boards do without anyone saying anything. Stating that she was resigning ‘effective immediately’ Holgate handed in her resignation letter, which should arrive some time between 8am and 8pm in the second week of December.
“This kind of thing is simply not on,” a furious Scott Morrison told Question time earlier this week. “Rest assured, apart from the sports rorts, the airport overspending, the reef fund, the water holdings, that beach shack that got all that money, the au pairs, our Finance Minister failing to declare a free holiday he received weeks before awarding the provider a $1 billion contract, Joe Hockey’s possible involvement in the tendering process for a company he held shares in, Parakeelia, the drug cartel accusations, the franking credits scandal, the accommodation entitlement rorts, Stuart Robert’s internet bill, the $30 million Foxtel payout, Angus Taylor doctoring financial records, overpayment of the health services contract given to an ex-party member, the staffer jobs given to coal lobbyists, the misleading election signage, Gladys Liu’s preselection, Robodebt, Peter Dutton’s childcare interests, the $10 million rural grant to upgrade a North Sydney pool, the party hiring a former staffer to lead a corruption investigation, Morrison refusing to release the Sports Rort investigation report, the $300,000 given to News Corp to develop a website, and Barnaby Joyce’s entire career, the Coalition will never stand for this kind of corruption.”
Asked what she will be doing with her time now, Holgate said she looks forward to joining the board of a private corporation, where gifting herself and board members thousands of dollars worth of unwarranted perks for sitting around eating donuts will be applauded by the Liberal Party as simply the free market running as planned.


thechaser--2020-11-03--PM calls for all premiers to go by “Scott Morrison” to simplify the ‘taking credit’ process

Prime minister and self-declared hero of Covid-19 Scott Morrison has today put forward a bill to parliament that would require all state premiers to change their name to “ Scott Morrison ” in a bid to simplify the process of him taking credit for their work as leaders .
“ Despite being so hard at work not creating a Federal ICAC , I have decided to take time out today to talk to Australia about this issue , ” said the PM while browsing the aisles at Bunnings .
“ It is of paramount importance that in times like these @ @ @ @ @ @ @ easier and more efficient , and what is more important than praising me ?
After all , I am doing such an amazing job.
” “ The media and the public seem to keep getting confused as to whom they should be praising .
Just because the Premiers did all the work , doesn ’ t mean they should be getting all the credit .
So classic me , I pulled out the Sharkies hat , did some DIY during this crisis , and made a solution so now all praise will go @ @ @ @ @ @ @ world who truly deserve it most.
” “ However , I should stress that I am in no way responsible for Daniel Andrew ’ s mess with aged care in Victoria .
That is entirely his fault , even if aged care is a Federal responsibility .
I ’ ll have you know when I was responsible for that it was actually Dan Andrews instructing me the entire time.
” “ Now let ’ s get a chant going .
SCOMO !
SCOMO !
SCOMO !
Why aren ’ t you joining in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s easy !
Who is the best world-leader right now ?
SCOMO !
SCOMO !
What no , why are you all saying Ardern ?
”

Prime minister and self-declared hero of Covid-19 Scott Morrison has today put forward a bill to parliament that would require all state premiers to change their name to “Scott Morrison” in a bid to simplify the process of him taking credit for their work as leaders.
“Despite being so hard at work not creating a Federal ICAC, I have decided to take time out today to talk to Australia about this issue,” said the PM while browsing the aisles at Bunnings. “It is of paramount importance that in times like these we make important processes of the government easier and more efficient, and what is more important than praising me? After all, I am doing such an amazing job.”
“The media and the public seem to keep getting confused as to whom they should be praising. Just because the Premiers did all the work, doesn’t mean they should be getting all the credit. So classic me, I pulled out the Sharkies hat, did some DIY during this crisis, and made a solution so now all praise will go straight to the Scott Morrisons of the world who truly deserve it most.”
“However, I should stress that I am in no way responsible for Daniel Andrew’s mess with aged care in Victoria. That is entirely his fault, even if aged care is a Federal responsibility. I’ll have you know when I was responsible for that it was actually Dan Andrews instructing me the entire time.”
“Now let’s get a chant going. SCOMO! SCOMO! SCOMO! Why aren’t you joining in? Come on everyone, it’s easy! Who is the best world-leader right now? SCOMO! SCOMO! What no, why are you all saying Ardern?”


thechaser--2020-11-05--World shocked as President who said he wouldn’t accept election result doesn’t accept election resul

The world is in a state of shock as the President of the troubled republic of America refused to accept @ @ @ @ @ , in a move he has only been foreshadowing for the last several months .
@ @ @ @ @ to have won the US election last night , something he ’ d been saying @ @ @ @ @ weeks , regardless of the result .
“ How could he stoop so low ?
@ @ @ @ @ somehow missed Trump ’ s consistent refusals to commit to a peaceful transfer of power @ @ @ @ @ in people voting .
“ Doesn ’ t he have any respect for our democratic @ @ @ @ @ ’ s no way that anyone could have possibly predicted this !
” said one @ @ @ @ @ predict everything else about the election .
Trump continued his completely in-character behaviour by ranting @ @ @ @ @ who somehow managed to miss the entire last four years .

World shocked as President who said he wouldn’t accept election result doesn’t accept election result
The world is in a state of shock as the President of the troubled republic of America refused to accept the results of the election, in a move he has only been foreshadowing for the last several months.
Supreme leader Donald Trump claimed to have won the US election last night, something he’d been saying he’d do for weeks, regardless of the result.
“How could he stoop so low?” said dumbfounded Americans who somehow missed Trump’s consistent refusals to commit to a peaceful transfer of power and suspicious lack of keenness in people voting.
“Doesn’t he have any respect for our democratic institutions?”
“There’s no way that anyone could have possibly predicted this!” said one pollster who also failed to predict everything else about the election.
Trump continued his completely in-character behaviour by ranting on Twitter, surprising critics who somehow managed to miss the entire last four years.


thechaser--2020-11-05--LGBT community send condolences to bank marketing teams after Sydney Mardi Gras cancelled

The LGBT community has today expressed their deepest condolences to bank marketing teams across Australia , after the parade commemorating the great interest rates available through ANZ home-loans was called off due to COVID-19 .
“ Look , obviously the night means a lot to our people , but it ’ s important we stick to health and safety guidelines , ” explained one banking executive this evening .
“ If anything we ’ re much more concerned about how this will affect the group who helped create Mardi Gras in the first place – the overly agressive police community @ @ @ @ @ @ @ now without their favourite night of roughing up drunken teenagers ?
” Instead , the parade will be replaced with a smaller event held at ANZ stadium , which organisers say is a much more fitting venue .
“ At ANZ , there will be no more confusion about who the Mardi Gras parade is all about , ” explained one organiser .
“ To be honest we were growing increasingly concerned holding the march on Oxford Street was giving people the wrong impression .
Not that there ’ s anything wrong with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ were starting to think the marchers might be gay .
”

The LGBT community has today expressed their deepest condolences to bank marketing teams across Australia, after the parade commemorating the great interest rates available through ANZ home-loans was called off due to COVID-19.
“Look, obviously the night means a lot to our people, but it’s important we stick to health and safety guidelines,” explained one banking executive this evening. “If anything we’re much more concerned about how this will affect the group who helped create Mardi Gras in the first place – the overly agressive police community. What are they going to do now without their favourite night of roughing up drunken teenagers?”
Instead, the parade will be replaced with a smaller event held at ANZ stadium, which organisers say is a much more fitting venue. “At ANZ, there will be no more confusion about who the Mardi Gras parade is all about,” explained one organiser. “To be honest we were growing increasingly concerned holding the march on Oxford Street was giving people the wrong impression. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but I think some people were starting to think the marchers might be gay.”


thechaser--2020-11-05--The NSW Blues declare they ‘hereby claim’ victory in State of Origin

The NSW Blues have caused controversy after declaring that they do not accept the results of last night ’ s State of Origin game where they lost to the Qld Maroons .
The Blues announced they have not only won last night ’ s game but that the remaining games shouldn ’ t count , giving them the series .
This morning the official twitter account for the NSW Blues tweeted the following in a since fact checked tweet : “ We have claimed , for State of Origin Scorekeeping , the State of Origin series ( which won ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Game 2 win , and the Game one win , which had a BIG Blues lead in the first half .
Additionally , we hereby claim the 2006-2013 series in if fact , there was a large number of secretly shortened games as has been widely reported !
” We reached out to a representative for the Blues for more information the shocking declaration that could undermine the integrity of the otherwise squeaky clean NRL and call into question the morals of the highly respected players : “ The game was rigged @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to stop Queensland from stealing this victory that belongs to us .
Early on we seemed like a clear victor .
We had shown dominate strength in the first 20 minutes of the game and held strong for the first half .
How could we possibly loose in a close game after such a strong lead ?
It has to be fraud !
No other way !
We are preparing to sue the NRL and have all points scored in the second half thrown out .
Removing the points from the second half @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to save the rules of the sport and the hard work of the fans and players !
” As is normal for when a team tries to undermine the integrity of a sport , many leaders from around the world immediately spoke out against this attack on sport .
Although Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison has recently spoken out saying he is ‘ not concerned ’ by this declaration .
Traditionally Australian leaders condemn this sort action when other sports are involved , however this time it is a team he sides with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up to .
Even Anthony Albanese managed to stand up to the Blues and condemn the actions .

The NSW Blues have caused controversy after declaring that they do not accept the results of last night’s State of Origin game where they lost to the Qld Maroons. The Blues announced they have not only won last night’s game but that the remaining games shouldn’t count, giving them the series.
This morning the official twitter account for the NSW Blues tweeted the following in a since fact checked tweet:
“We have claimed, for State of Origin Scorekeeping, the State of Origin series (which won’t allow our referees to control) the Game 2 win, and the Game one win, which had a BIG Blues lead in the first half. Additionally, we hereby claim the 2006-2013 series in if fact, there was a large number of secretly shortened games as has been widely reported!”
We reached out to a representative for the Blues for more information the shocking declaration that could undermine the integrity of the otherwise squeaky clean NRL and call into question the morals of the highly respected players:
“The game was rigged from the start and we are trying to stop Queensland from stealing this victory that belongs to us. Early on we seemed like a clear victor. We had shown dominate strength in the first 20 minutes of the game and held strong for the first half. How could we possibly loose in a close game after such a strong lead? It has to be fraud! No other way! We are preparing to sue the NRL and have all points scored in the second half thrown out. Removing the points from the second half of the game is the only way to save the rules of the sport and the hard work of the fans and players!”
As is normal for when a team tries to undermine the integrity of a sport, many leaders from around the world immediately spoke out against this attack on sport. Although Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison has recently spoken out saying he is ‘not concerned’ by this declaration. Traditionally Australian leaders condemn this sort action when other sports are involved, however this time it is a team he sides with in a sport he wants to suck up to. Even Anthony Albanese managed to stand up to the Blues and condemn the actions.


thechaser--2020-11-05--Biden vows to unite the smoking ruins of America

Presidential frontrunner Joe Biden has today declared that he will unite the smoking ashen ruins of what ’ s left @ @ @ @ @ govern for both the red embers and the blue embers .
“ I ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ , ” said a tearful Biden .
“ Whether you ’ re cowering in your @ @ @ @ @ , or driving a Trump road train through Ohio to intimidate the locals , I @ @ @ @ @ for you.
” The Presidential elect has also offered a fig left to his rivals @ @ @ @ @ be happy to appear on Fox News to explain his policies in a calm and @ @ @ @ @ Fox , however , has rejected the offer , stating those sound like the words @ @ @ @ @ calling on their viewers to rise up and overthrow the communist dictator before it ’ @ @ @ @

Presidential frontrunner Joe Biden has today declared that he will unite the smoking ashen ruins of what’s left of America, pledging to govern for both the red embers and the blue embers. “I’ll be everybody’s President,” said a tearful Biden. “Whether you’re cowering in your bunker from the civil war, or driving a Trump road train through Ohio to intimidate the locals, I’ll be the president for you.”
The Presidential elect has also offered a fig left to his rivals, stating that he will be happy to appear on Fox News to explain his policies in a calm and rational way to voters. Fox, however, has rejected the offer, stating those sound like the words of a socialist tyrant, calling on their viewers to rise up and overthrow the communist dictator before it’s too late.


thechaser--2020-11-04--Local man really not looking forward to seeing Bernie-supporting coworker tomorrow

Having wasted an entire day anxiously watching the US presidential election from a country on the other side of the world , Sydney resident Will Grayson has just realised he now has something else to worry about : having to listen to that smug Bernie Sanders supporter in the office all fucking day tomorrow .
Grayson ’ s co-worker , junior salesman Thom Rupert-Villiers , has spent the last nine months banging on about how Bernie was robbed and how Biden ’ s a hopeless candidate who will lose the unloseable election .
Despite his own misgivings about Biden , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the “ whatever gets rid of Trump ” camp , which has led to many a protracted argument with Rupert-Villiers , where he tried his best to emphasize Biden ’ s strengths and his obvious leads in the polls .
That ’ s all crumbling to dust now , as it becomes clear that this election is way closer than any contest between an experienced public servant and an intellectually-impaired lunatic ever should be .
“ Oh , Christ , I can already hear him , ” Grayson told the Chaser , as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ voice : “ ’ Sanders would have held onto the latino vote .
Sanders would have swept the rustbelt .
Sanders would have won the Senate.
’ The thing is , I don ’ t even know if he ’ s wrong anymore !
”

Having wasted an entire day anxiously watching the US presidential election from a country on the other side of the world, Sydney resident Will Grayson has just realised he now has something else to worry about: having to listen to that smug Bernie Sanders supporter in the office all fucking day tomorrow.
Grayson’s co-worker, junior salesman Thom Rupert-Villiers, has spent the last nine months banging on about how Bernie was robbed and how Biden’s a hopeless candidate who will lose the unloseable election. Despite his own misgivings about Biden, Grayson reports that he considers himself in the “whatever gets rid of Trump” camp, which has led to many a protracted argument with Rupert-Villiers, where he tried his best to emphasize Biden’s strengths and his obvious leads in the polls. That’s all crumbling to dust now, as it becomes clear that this election is way closer than any contest between an experienced public servant and an intellectually-impaired lunatic ever should be.
“Oh, Christ, I can already hear him,” Grayson told the Chaser, as he crudely imitates Rupert-Villier’s shrill voice: “’Sanders would have held onto the latino vote. Sanders would have swept the rustbelt. Sanders would have won the Senate.’ The thing is, I don’t even know if he’s wrong anymore!”


thechaser--2020-11-04--World feeling pretty stupid for putting it’s hope in Texas

As results roll in for the US election , onlookers around the world have today expressed shocked that they ever convinced themselves that they could put their hope in states like Texas and Florida .
Many have been left wondering why America would be set up in a way that lets the worst places make the choice as to who gets to run the whole country and all those nukes .
“ How stupid could I be ?
” asks James , a person who really should have known better .
“ Texas and Florida , really ?
Am I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump lose ?
” “ What ’ s the first thing you think of when you think of Texas ?
‘ Yee haw I am a Texan .
I hate immigrants and love my guns .
Now git of my property before I shoot you.
’ That ’ s the most Trump supporter thing I have ever heard .
Yeah , they were absolutely destroyed by Republican responses to Covid-19 , but we all know COVID causes brain damage don ’ t we ?
Which party do you think that favors ?
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thought we could hold out hope for Floridians ?
When have you ever read a headline that starts ‘ Florida Man ’ that hasn ’ t ended with the dumbest shit ever .
Floridians don ’ t know how to make rational decisions .
They gave the world Pitbull for fucks sake !
How stupid are we ?
” “ Anyway , I really hope Nevada comes through for the Democrats .
I ’ m sure the state best known for the Los Vegas Gambling Strip is going to make some very rational @ @ @

As results roll in for the US election, onlookers around the world have today expressed shocked that they ever convinced themselves that they could put their hope in states like Texas and Florida. Many have been left wondering why America would be set up in a way that lets the worst places make the choice as to who gets to run the whole country and all those nukes.
“How stupid could I be?” asks James, a person who really should have known better. “Texas and Florida, really? Am I that blinded by my desperation to see Trump lose?”
“What’s the first thing you think of when you think of Texas? ‘Yee haw I am a Texan. I hate immigrants and love my guns. Now git of my property before I shoot you.’ That’s the most Trump supporter thing I have ever heard. Yeah, they were absolutely destroyed by Republican responses to Covid-19, but we all know COVID causes brain damage don’t we? Which party do you think that favors?”
“And Florida, FLORIDA! We thought we could hold out hope for Floridians? When have you ever read a headline that starts ‘Florida Man’ that hasn’t ended with the dumbest shit ever. Floridians don’t know how to make rational decisions. They gave the world Pitbull for fucks sake! How stupid are we?”
“Anyway, I really hope Nevada comes through for the Democrats. I’m sure the state best known for the Los Vegas Gambling Strip is going to make some very rational decisions.”


America loses election

Absolutely nobody has been declared a winner today , after the American election took a shambolic turn which saw sitting President Donald Trump declare victory and demand votes stop being counted , despite the outcome not even being clear yet .
Citing all the states which he hasn ’ t won , President Trump accused everyone who didn ’ t vote for him of fraud , to groans from satirist everywhere who realised they ’ re never going to be able outdo this .
The President ’ s rambling and acid laden speech is reportedly the first time the public @ @ @ @ @ @ @ contender , with everyone praying he would burst onto stage at any moment to interrupt Trump ’ s acceptance speech .
Trump ’ s move to claim victory despite being in second place was not unexpected according to experts , who say there was a strong indication Trump does not take losing well based on the time he claimed to have won the dementia test .
In other news , disability support payments across America are set to skyrocket this week , after it was revealed that 50 million Americans are apparently blind @ @ @ @ @ @

Absolutely nobody has been declared a winner today, after the American election took a shambolic turn which saw sitting President Donald Trump declare victory and demand votes stop being counted, despite the outcome not even being clear yet. Citing all the states which he hasn’t won, President Trump accused everyone who didn’t vote for him of fraud, to groans from satirist everywhere who realised they’re never going to be able outdo this.
The President’s rambling and acid laden speech is reportedly the first time the public has actually hoped Kanye was a serious contender, with everyone praying he would burst onto stage at any moment to interrupt Trump’s acceptance speech.
Trump’s move to claim victory despite being in second place was not unexpected according to experts, who say there was a strong indication Trump does not take losing well based on the time he claimed to have won the dementia test.
In other news, disability support payments across America are set to skyrocket this week, after it was revealed that 50 million Americans are apparently blind to everything happening around them.


thechaser--2020-11-04--With no clear winner, America agrees to just go without President

The United States of America has today agreed to just forgo a President entirely , after realising they ’ d probably just be better off without one for the next four years .
“ It seems like all they do is cause trouble , ” explained one voter at an election party today .
“ We were all sitting here anxious about who would win , wondering what we ’ d do if there was no clear winner , when the thought suddenly struck us – why not just not elect a President ?
I can ’ t believe we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Americans have invented a new system called “ a parliamentary system ” in which a number of people in the community run for office , and collaboratively decide on a leader to advance the policies they ’ d like to see made law .
This way , if the elected officials don ’ t like a leader , they can simply backstab and white-ant him or her until the entire public no longer has faith in the entire process .
It ’ s the perfect system.
” The new “ no leader ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , despite having a so called Prime Minister , the leader actually is just a figurehead and does very little governing .
“ Take last January for example , ” said one political expert , “ where the country was engulfed in Bushfires , and the Prime Minister just fucked off to Hawaii for two weeks .
It ’ s like he ’ s not even running the country .
Often you ’ ll find him down at Bunnings during the week , just browsing the aisles instead of governing .
Apparently the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time someone tries to govern them they replace ’ em within the week .
”

The United States of America has today agreed to just forgo a President entirely, after realising they’d probably just be better off without one for the next four years. “It seems like all they do is cause trouble,” explained one voter at an election party today. “We were all sitting here anxious about who would win, wondering what we’d do if there was no clear winner, when the thought suddenly struck us – why not just not elect a President? I can’t believe we never thought of this earlier.”
Instead Americans have invented a new system called “a parliamentary system” in which a number of people in the community run for office, and collaboratively decide on a leader to advance the policies they’d like to see made law. This way, if the elected officials don’t like a leader, they can simply backstab and white-ant him or her until the entire public no longer has faith in the entire process. It’s the perfect system.”
The new “no leader” model is allegedly inspired by Australia where, despite having a so called Prime Minister, the leader actually is just a figurehead and does very little governing. “Take last January for example,” said one political expert, “where the country was engulfed in Bushfires, and the Prime Minister just fucked off to Hawaii for two weeks. It’s like he’s not even running the country. Often you’ll find him down at Bunnings during the week, just browsing the aisles instead of governing. Apparently the public much prefer this anyway – every time someone tries to govern them they replace ’em within the week.”


thechaser--2020-11-04--Biden vote surges after Trump shares stage with Lil Pump

President Donald Trump brings rapper Lil Pump to the podium during a campaign event early Tuesday , Nov. 3 , 2020 , in Grand Rapids , Mich. ( AP Photo/Carlos Osorio ) Experts tracking the American election have noticed a sudden inexplicably strong surge to Joe Biden amongst young voters , after SoundCloud rapper Lil Pump shared the stage with Donald Trump in order to endorse him .
“ I had to support Trump dawg .
When I saw that Lil Wayne endorsed Trump , you know I had to endorse him too .
My whole career is built around @ @ @ @ @ @ @ already.
” explained Mr Pump .
“ Now I am on a list with Kid Rock and Lil Wayne , this is the most respect I have ever had in my entire rap career.
” “ People saying Trump is using us , and that by only talking to us instead of ‘ experts ’ on black issues he is trying to portray himself as caring about black issues without caring , ” said the man who Trump had only moments before referred to as ‘ Little Pimp ’ .
“ Nah , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a huge fan of mine.
” In response to Lil Pump ’ s endorsement of Lil Hands , Joe Biden ’ s social media team told us “ Thank you god .
”

Experts tracking the American election have noticed a sudden inexplicably strong surge to Joe Biden amongst young voters, after SoundCloud rapper Lil Pump shared the stage with Donald Trump in order to endorse him.
“I had to support Trump dawg. When I saw that Lil Wayne endorsed Trump, you know I had to endorse him too. My whole career is built around just redoing what Lil Wayne has done already.” explained Mr Pump. “Now I am on a list with Kid Rock and Lil Wayne, this is the most respect I have ever had in my entire rap career.”
“People saying Trump is using us, and that by only talking to us instead of ‘experts’ on black issues he is trying to portray himself as caring about black issues without caring,” said the man who Trump had only moments before referred to as ‘Little Pimp’. “Nah, I’m sure he’s a huge fan of mine.”
In response to Lil Pump’s endorsement of Lil Hands, Joe Biden’s social media team told us “Thank you god.”


thechaser--2020-11-04--Australian gives more of a shit about this US election than all Aussie ones combined

Australians around the country are unable to look away today , as the American election continues to very slowly but surely drive into a ditch .
Many Australians have spent a large portion of the work day finding themselves distracted from constantly checking on the election by annoyingly having to actually do their jobs .
Even though they can not vote in the election many Australians have done all they can to be as well informed for this election , far more than all the Australian elections they have voted in previously combined .
“ This election is so important @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can about our future and the leaders who will shape it , ” said Lozza , a woman who can name more US politicians than Australian ones .
“ From climate change reform , to health care , the economy , racial and gender inequality , LGBTQ+ rights , and many more , America has to make the right call .
I hope they are as well informed on this election as me and everyone that I know .
It ’ s basically all we can think about these days .
It ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can just feel it out on the day.
” “ You have Biden with Harris , who although may not be as progressive as say Bernie Sanders or AOC , he is still Obama ’ s former VP with tonnes of experience who is open to hearing from the experts .
But Trump and the current republican party are pushing against many things that are fundamental to the future .
Plus , Pence is arguably worse than Trump with his personal beliefs on homosexuality and immigration being harder than Trump .
You wouldn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his deputy… .
umm , shit wait I know this .
Either way Morrison vs Alabesie… it is Alabesie right ?
Nailed it .
”

Australians around the country are unable to look away today, as the American election continues to very slowly but surely drive into a ditch. Many Australians have spent a large portion of the work day finding themselves distracted from constantly checking on the election by annoyingly having to actually do their jobs. Even though they cannot vote in the election many Australians have done all they can to be as well informed for this election, far more than all the Australian elections they have voted in previously combined.
“This election is so important, we have to know all we can about our future and the leaders who will shape it,” said Lozza, a woman who can name more US politicians than Australian ones. “From climate change reform, to health care, the economy, racial and gender inequality, LGBTQ+ rights, and many more, America has to make the right call. I hope they are as well informed on this election as me and everyone that I know. It’s basically all we can think about these days. It’s not like our elections where you can just feel it out on the day.”
“You have Biden with Harris, who although may not be as progressive as say Bernie Sanders or AOC, he is still Obama’s former VP with tonnes of experience who is open to hearing from the experts. But Trump and the current republican party are pushing against many things that are fundamental to the future. Plus, Pence is arguably worse than Trump with his personal beliefs on homosexuality and immigration being harder than Trump. You wouldn’t see that in Morrison and his deputy…. umm, shit wait I know this. Either way Morrison vs Alabesie… it is Alabesie right? Nailed it.”


thechaser--2020-11-04--Mexico Border Swamped By Fleeing Americans

Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto has today pledged to crack down on the rising tide of illegal immigrants flooding into the country from the United States , following an unprecedented influx of US citizens attempting to flee the country ’ s mounting political turmoil .
Though the number of Americans crossing the border into their neighbouring country has been steadily on the rise since 2016 , authorities are reporting that the problem has reached epidemic proportions tonight , following predictions of a second Trump presidency .
Speaking with those fleeing the turmoil , it ’ s clear their decision is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ prospects of working in a country that isn ’ t run by a man who has more bankruptcy filings than tiny fingers .
“ It ’ s not about taking people ’ s jobs , ” said one American father standing in the crowd amassed at the border .
“ I just want to live in a country where I can raise my family without fearing daily for their safety , particularly my attractive young daughters.
” Meanwhile New York is reportedly at a standstill following the mass re-patriation of Mexican workers , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a halt , leaving millions of white middle class business analysts stranded in their twelfth story offices , unable to obtain the Starbucks coffee they have come to depend on to make it through a day of largely pointless middle-management .
“ It ’ s a nightmare ” said one dazed social media guru , as he attempted to hail a non-existent cab on the corner of 42nd and 3rd streets , “ My company ’ s going to have to fold .
You can ’ t expect us to keep going without @ @ @ @ @ @ @ three dollars an hour .
Just the tax alone from employing documented workers would cripple our entire business model.
” Mexican authorities are already exploring various options to deal with the growing number of refugees .
Though he would not be pinned down on specifics , President Nieto said one possible option to keep the tide of Americans out would be to build some kind of a wall , although he was unable to say where the money for such a construction would come from .

Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto has today pledged to crack down on the rising tide of illegal immigrants flooding into the country from the United States, following an unprecedented influx of US citizens attempting to flee the country’s mounting political turmoil.
Though the number of Americans crossing the border into their neighbouring country has been steadily on the rise since 2016, authorities are reporting that the problem has reached epidemic proportions tonight, following predictions of a second Trump presidency.
Speaking with those fleeing the turmoil, it’s clear their decision is not simply based on the better economic prospects of working in a country that isn’t run by a man who has more bankruptcy filings than tiny fingers. “It’s not about taking people’s jobs,” said one American father standing in the crowd amassed at the border. “I just want to live in a country where I can raise my family without fearing daily for their safety, particularly my attractive young daughters.”
Meanwhile New York is reportedly at a standstill following the mass re-patriation of Mexican workers, with the entire service industry grinding to a halt, leaving millions of white middle class business analysts stranded in their twelfth story offices, unable to obtain the Starbucks coffee they have come to depend on to make it through a day of largely pointless middle-management.
“It’s a nightmare” said one dazed social media guru, as he attempted to hail a non-existent cab on the corner of 42nd and 3rd streets, “My company’s going to have to fold. You can’t expect us to keep going without employees who are willing to work for three dollars an hour. Just the tax alone from employing documented workers would cripple our entire business model.”
Mexican authorities are already exploring various options to deal with the growing number of refugees. Though he would not be pinned down on specifics, President Nieto said one possible option to keep the tide of Americans out would be to build some kind of a wall, although he was unable to say where the money for such a construction would come from.


thechaser--2020-11-04--Canada begins frantically building wall

Canada begins frantically building wall

The nation of Canada has today frantically begun construction on border wall , following reports that Trump may yet remain @ @ @ @ @ America .
“ Come on boys , put your back into it !
” Prime @ @ @ @ @ of Canada ’ s burliest men hacked away at the border with saws in an @ @ @ @ @ America .
“ Just 200 more miles and we ’ ll be free of them @ @ @ @ @ the border wall construction has already proven difficult , due to the millions of Americans @ @ @ @ @ minute .
“ I ’ ll go anywhere just get me out of this shithole @ @ @ @ @ said as he dodged border guards .
“ I already tried the Mexico side , @ @ @ @ @ Turns out some idiot built a wall over there .
”

The nation of Canada has today frantically begun construction on border wall, following reports that Trump may yet remain President of Whatever Remains of America.
“Come on boys, put your back into it!” Prime Minister Trudeau shouted as 100 of Canada’s burliest men hacked away at the border with saws in an attempt to detach entirely from America. “Just 200 more miles and we’ll be free of them forever!”
However, the border wall construction has already proven difficult, due to the millions of Americans flooding over the border every minute. “I’ll go anywhere just get me out of this shithole country,” one man said as he dodged border guards. “I already tried the Mexico side, but that was impenetrable. Turns out some idiot built a wall over there.”


thechaser--2020-11-04--Report: Oh no, not again

Report: Oh no, not again

“ Oh fuck , ” reported the world today , as exit polling indicated that Joe Biden may not have @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Literally nobody could have predicted this , ” explained experts , “ we @ @ @ @ @ happening at all , except maybe the last time this exact same thing happened.
” @ @ @ @ @ all bad news , with America electing its first transgender representative to their senate .
@ @ @ @ @ be elected and represent you , ” said Sarah McBride , “ and I look @ @ @ @ @ over for the three weeks it has left .
”

“Oh fuck,” reported the world today, as exit polling indicated that Joe Biden may not have the lead over Donald Trump.
“Literally nobody could have predicted this,” explained experts, “we had no precedent for this happening at all, except maybe the last time this exact same thing happened.”
However, it is not all bad news, with America electing its first transgender representative to their senate. “I am honored to be elected and represent you,” said Sarah McBride, “and I look forward to helping govern this over for the three weeks it has left.”


thechaser--2020-11-04--Experts declare Trump a loser, in report unrelated to election

Experts across America have today declared Donald Trump a ‘ huge loser on proportions we have never seen before ’ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s apparently some kind of election on .
“ The guy ’ s a @ @ @ @ @ said one expert commentator .
“ I mean he ’ s The Commander In Chief @ @ @ @ @ need to pretend like he won a dementia test , as if that somehow makes @ @ @ @ @ he seriously think we ’ re buying his claim that the bleach comments were sarcasm @ @ @ @ @ on video for Pete ’ s sake , we all saw it .
The guy @ @ @ @ @ “ Also remember that time he hit on his daughter ?
Or the time he @ @ @ @ @ bus ?
Or how he tried to both sides a Nazi rally ?
” continued @ @ @ @ @ , you ’ d have to be compensating for something wouldn ’ t you ?
@ @ @ @ @ about tiny hands .
”

Experts across America have today declared Donald Trump a ‘huge loser on proportions we have never seen before’ before also noting that there’s apparently some kind of election on.
“The guy’s a flat out nark,” said one expert commentator. “I mean he’s The Commander In Chief and he still feels the need to pretend like he won a dementia test, as if that somehow makes him impressive, and does he seriously think we’re buying his claim that the bleach comments were sarcasm? It’s all on video for Pete’s sake, we all saw it. The guy is a grade-A loser.”
“Also remember that time he hit on his daughter? Or the time he threw his lawyer under the bus? Or how he tried to both sides a Nazi rally?” continued the commentator. “God, you’d have to be compensating for something wouldn’t you? You know what they say about tiny hands.”


thechaser--2020-11-04--Viewers tune in for nail-biting season finale of America

Audiences across the world have today tuned in for what may well be the final episode of rollercoaster reality TV show ‘ America ’ today , with the last episode leaving the main characters on a nail-biting cliffhanger where the dystopian world they inhabit might collapse into civil war at any moment .
“ Yea the writing ’ s been a bit downhill since 2016 , ” explained one viewer , “ when they killed off all those fan favorites , after introducing that host from The Apprentice to the show , it really felt like the writing went downhill @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it through now just to find out how it ends.
” The latest 2020 season has been particularly panned by fans , who say the storylines have increasingly become far too ridiculous and unbelievable , with an inexplicable tragedy happening in almost every episode .
“ They opened the year with the fires , and that was fine , bit of drama and world building doesn ’ t hurt and they ’ d been hinting at the climate change plot for years now .
But then suddenly out of nowhere they were at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ story to be dropped two days later when a pandemic came along , and that ’ s when the story really went off the rails .
Two weeks later it ’ s riots , then suddenly a boat blows up a city , there ’ s murderous wasps , then they get lazy and just repeat the fires plotline again .
Also that Kanye character is now a politician now for some reason ?
And don ’ t even get me started on the hamfisted writing of that evil Ellen character.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s still better than that last season of Game of Thrones .
”

Audiences across the world have today tuned in for what may well be the final episode of rollercoaster reality TV show ‘America’ today, with the last episode leaving the main characters on a nail-biting cliffhanger where the dystopian world they inhabit might collapse into civil war at any moment.
“Yea the writing’s been a bit downhill since 2016,” explained one viewer, “when they killed off all those fan favorites, after introducing that host from The Apprentice to the show, it really felt like the writing went downhill, but I might as well see it through now just to find out how it ends.”
The latest 2020 season has been particularly panned by fans, who say the storylines have increasingly become far too ridiculous and unbelievable, with an inexplicable tragedy happening in almost every episode. “They opened the year with the fires, and that was fine, bit of drama and world building doesn’t hurt and they’d been hinting at the climate change plot for years now. But then suddenly out of nowhere they were at war with Iran, only for that story to be dropped two days later when a pandemic came along, and that’s when the story really went off the rails. Two weeks later it’s riots, then suddenly a boat blows up a city, there’s murderous wasps, then they get lazy and just repeat the fires plotline again. Also that Kanye character is now a politician now for some reason? And don’t even get me started on the hamfisted writing of that evil Ellen character.”
“But hey, at least it’s still better than that last season of Game of Thrones.”


thechaser--2020-11-04--Person living through 2020 begs journalists not to use word ‘landslide’ in headline

People across the world have expressed surprise and relief today , after seeing the word ‘ landslide ’ in a @ @ @ @ @ only to realise it ’ s not another natural disaster .
“ Jesus Christ guy @ @ @ @ @ do , ” said one local woman reading a story about Biden ’ s runaway @ @ @ @ @ as well call it a nuclear war of votes if you ’ re going down @ @ @ @ @ since apologised to readers , with the Associated Press now workshopping alternative terms for Biden @ @ @ @ @ So far we ’ ve got ‘ tsunami at the polls ‘ , a ‘ @ @ @ @ @ or ‘ a civil war of voters ‘ .
Wait no sorry that last one @ @ @ @ @ outcome .
Never mind that .
”

People across the world have expressed surprise and relief today, after seeing the word ‘landslide’ in a headline in the year 2020 only to realise it’s not another natural disaster. “Jesus Christ guy, any other word would do,” said one local woman reading a story about Biden’s runaway victory. “You might as well call it a nuclear war of votes if you’re going down that path.”
Journalists have since apologised to readers, with the Associated Press now workshopping alternative terms for Biden’s win. “So far we’ve got ‘tsunami at the polls‘, a ‘locust swarm of ballots‘ or ‘a civil war of voters‘. Wait no sorry that last one’s for the post-election outcome. Never mind that.”


thechaser--2020-11-03--Republicans claim to be real winners as broke man is forced to stop mooching off government

Republican voters across America have claimed one small victory today , after a flat broke man was forced to stop living off government handouts to make ends meet .
The man , who allegedly spends all his money on spray tans and expensive steak dinners , despite having almost no money to his name and huge bank debts , was this afternoon evicted from his government housing where he had been living for the last four years , after the landlords declared they ’ d had enough of his constant raging parties .
“ Really this is a win for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ News commentator this afternoon .
“ Sure the Republicans haven ’ t held onto the White House , but on the other hand they ’ ve dragged the Democrats so far to the right that the mere suggestion that Americans should get the same healthcare every other developed nation has , is met with instant ridicule .
So either way we ’ ve won.
” Asked what they will spend their time doing for the next four years out of government , Republican senators say they will be focusing on pushing their pro-life @ @ @ @ @ @ @ everyone possible to ignore the pandemic .

Republican voters across America have claimed one small victory today, after a flat broke man was forced to stop living off government handouts to make ends meet. The man, who allegedly spends all his money on spray tans and expensive steak dinners, despite having almost no money to his name and huge bank debts, was this afternoon evicted from his government housing where he had been living for the last four years, after the landlords declared they’d had enough of his constant raging parties.
“Really this is a win for conservatives everywhere,” explained one Fox News commentator this afternoon. “Sure the Republicans haven’t held onto the White House, but on the other hand they’ve dragged the Democrats so far to the right that the mere suggestion that Americans should get the same healthcare every other developed nation has, is met with instant ridicule. So either way we’ve won.”
Asked what they will spend their time doing for the next four years out of government, Republican senators say they will be focusing on pushing their pro-life agenda, while also trying to convince everyone possible to ignore the pandemic.


thechaser--2020-11-03--Breaking: Trump urges public not to vote for him, realises he’s a ‘massive idiot’

United States President Donald J Trump has today urged voters not to re-elect him President , after coming to the realisation that he ’ s just not very good at the job .
“ Aw jeeze , look at all this stupid stuff I ’ ve tweeted , I ’ m a complete idiot !
” Trump told voters at a campaign rally .
“ Really guys , I ’ m a complete moron , vote for anyone but me.
” Conservative news channel Fox News agreed with the President , urging viewers at the last minute to change their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ In some late breaking news , it has come to candidate Donald Trump is completely unfit for office and also he ’ s pretty ugly too , ” host Sean Hannity told audiences .
“ It turns out we ’ ve been completely wrong about the man , and we ’ re very sorry for misleading you all these years.
” Former Trump supporters say while the news is sad , they have long had an inkling this was the case .
“ Yea look , I didn ’ t want to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ started to suspect the guy wasn ’ t all there somewhere between the covefe tweet and the time he told people to drink bleach , ” explained one supporter .
“ Only problem is my ego was tied to supporting him , but now he ’ s said it out loud I guess I ’ m good to just stay home this year .
What a relief .
”

United States President Donald J Trump has today urged voters not to re-elect him President, after coming to the realisation that he’s just not very good at the job. “Aw jeeze, look at all this stupid stuff I’ve tweeted, I’m a complete idiot!” Trump told voters at a campaign rally. “Really guys, I’m a complete moron, vote for anyone but me.”
Conservative news channel Fox News agreed with the President, urging viewers at the last minute to change their minds and vote for another candidate. “In some late breaking news, it has come to candidate Donald Trump is completely unfit for office and also he’s pretty ugly too,” host Sean Hannity told audiences. “It turns out we’ve been completely wrong about the man, and we’re very sorry for misleading you all these years.”
Former Trump supporters say while the news is sad, they have long had an inkling this was the case. “Yea look, I didn’t want to admit it, but I’d started to suspect the guy wasn’t all there somewhere between the covefe tweet and the time he told people to drink bleach,” explained one supporter. “Only problem is my ego was tied to supporting him, but now he’s said it out loud I guess I’m good to just stay home this year. What a relief.”


thechaser--2020-11-03--Kanye West declares self winner of the election

Presidential hopeful and part time Kardasian selfie-stick , Kanye West , has today declared victory in the Presidential election before @ @ @ @ @ counted .
Driving a U-Haul up to the White House gates , Kanye was seen @ @ @ @ @ the West Wing before being escorted away by the Secret Service .
“ What are @ @ @ @ @ Kanye , “ Don ’ t you know I ’ m the next President ?
@ @ @ @ @ come in .
I ’ m everybody ’ s favorite candidate , you ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ polls came in Kanye was surprised to see he had not one a single delegate @ @ @ @ @ Joe Biden in a landslide bigger than Kanye ’ s last album ’ s drop @ @ @ @ @ Congratulations Joe , and imma let you finish , ” announced Kanye bursting onto the @ @ @ @ @ accession speech .
“ But Kanye had the best campaign of all time .
Of @ @ @ @

Presidential hopeful and part time Kardasian selfie-stick, Kanye West, has today declared victory in the Presidential election before any votes had even been counted. Driving a U-Haul up to the White House gates, Kanye was seen unloading his prized belongings into the West Wing before being escorted away by the Secret Service.
“What are you doing?” shouted Kanye, “Don’t you know I’m the next President? Just wait till these polls come in. I’m everybody’s favorite candidate, you’ll see.”
However, as polls came in Kanye was surprised to see he had not one a single delegate, instead losing out to Joe Biden in a landslide bigger than Kanye’s last album’s drop from the charts.
“Congratulations Joe, and imma let you finish,” announced Kanye bursting onto the state at Biden’s accession speech. “But Kanye had the best campaign of all time. Of ALL time.”


thechaser--2020-11-06--Quick guide to whether Trump supporters want more or less votes counted in your area

As pro-democracy protests continue across the US while it pushes closer to becoming a 3rd world nation , some people have become a bit confused as to what the protesters are demanding in order to ‘ save democracy ’ here ’ s a quick explainer to clear things up .
When do you uphold the result of a vote ?
A finalised vote count is only acceptable and reliable when it ’ s clear that the vote hasn ’ t been meddled with or disturbed by election fraud .
Luckily , Trump and his supporter base have a simple test @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if the result ends with Joe Biden getting more votes than Donald J. Trump , then fraud has been committed .
When should a vote be recounted ?
Since the only other suitable candidate is Kanye West and he only got 60,000 votes , clearly any state that didn ’ t vote Trump probably had rampant voter fraud .
Especially when mail-in-ballots are concerned .
Everyone voting via mail are fraudsters , period !
Unless you voted for Trump , obviously .
They are upstanding citizens who are just exercising their rights .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Well counting votes is a crucial part of democracy and needs to be done thoroughly .
While this might take time , it is crucial all votes are taken in .
Especially if it looks like Biden might win , to stop a vote now would be allowing a traitor into the White House , and that can ’ t happen .
So , keep counting until it ’ s final , then you can trust that it ’ s over .
Unless you need a recount because sleepy Biden faked the votes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t trust the voting systems you idiot !
When should counting votes be stopped ?
Counting votes is a crucial part of democracy but the more votes you take in the more time you let the devil worshipping Democrats steal this election !
If Trump is currently in the lead , there is no need to continue counting because obviously any change from there is rigged .
I mean how could some states be done and others not ?
It doesn ’ t matter if Trump blocked some states from beginning the count @ @ @ @ @ @ @ day , votes should only be counted on election day !
Unless those votes are for Trump .
Some experts have noted that some areas where the Trump supporters are demanding they stop counting votes Biden is actually in the lead currently .
However , those votes need to be stopped because the lying liberal media forced their agenda onto the results and the results are a lie .
So , by continuing this vote you are letting the lying liberal media steal this election and the official vote count they don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s diabolical .
Well I don ’ t know what to tell you .
What the fuck do you want from me ?
Trump supporters somehow seem to think in five-dimensions , and none of those dimensions are reality .
What you thought I was going to rationalise that shit ?
How ?

Quick guide to whether Trump supporters want more or less votes counted in your area
As pro-democracy protests continue across the US while it pushes closer to becoming a 3rd world nation, some people have become a bit confused as to what the protesters are demanding in order to ‘save democracy’ here’s a quick explainer to clear things up.
When do you uphold the result of a vote?
A finalised vote count is only acceptable and reliable when it’s clear that the vote hasn’t been meddled with or disturbed by election fraud. Luckily, Trump and his supporter base have a simple test you can use to spot fraud: if the result ends with Joe Biden getting more votes than Donald J. Trump, then fraud has been committed.
When should a vote be recounted?
Since the only other suitable candidate is Kanye West and he only got 60,000 votes, clearly any state that didn’t vote Trump probably had rampant voter fraud. Especially when mail-in-ballots are concerned. Everyone voting via mail are fraudsters, period! Unless you voted for Trump, obviously. They are upstanding citizens who are just exercising their rights.
When should you continue counting votes?
Well counting votes is a crucial part of democracy and needs to be done thoroughly. While this might take time, it is crucial all votes are taken in. Especially if it looks like Biden might win, to stop a vote now would be allowing a traitor into the White House, and that can’t happen. So, keep counting until it’s final, then you can trust that it’s over. Unless you need a recount because sleepy Biden faked the votes in the state. You can’t trust the voting systems you idiot!
When should counting votes be stopped?
Counting votes is a crucial part of democracy but the more votes you take in the more time you let the devil worshipping Democrats steal this election! If Trump is currently in the lead, there is no need to continue counting because obviously any change from there is rigged. I mean how could some states be done and others not? It doesn’t matter if Trump blocked some states from beginning the count of absentee voting until after the election day, votes should only be counted on election day! Unless those votes are for Trump.
Some experts have noted that some areas where the Trump supporters are demanding they stop counting votes Biden is actually in the lead currently. However, those votes need to be stopped because the lying liberal media forced their agenda onto the results and the results are a lie. So, by continuing this vote you are letting the lying liberal media steal this election and the official vote count they don’t have any control over. It’s diabolical.
Still confused?
Well I don’t know what to tell you. What the fuck do you want from me? Trump supporters somehow seem to think in five-dimensions, and none of those dimensions are reality. What you thought I was going to rationalise that shit? How?


thechaser--2020-11-06--Putin resigns after losing American election

Russian President and famed Dobby the house elf actor Vladimir Putin has today stepped down from his roll as the @ @ @ @ @ losing the American election .
“ Da , it is very disappointing , ” Putin @ @ @ @ @ advisors .
“ Maybe I will shoot down a civilian passenger plane , that always @ @ @ @ @ will be best remembered for his legacy of killing any journalists who write bad thing @ @ @ @ @ having a really tiny penis and bad breath .
“ I will be leaving behind @ @ @ @ @ the next leader , ” dictated Putin to journalists .
“ I have been amazing @ @ @ @ @ my job , and was never once accused of being a dictator .
Does anybody @ @ @ @ @ me ?
No ?
Good , choice .
Also mention I have a six pack.
@ @ @ @ @ using his newfound free time to travel the world , starting with Salisbury in England @ @ @ @ @ has an absolutely must see cathedral that draws all the Russian tourists .

Russian President and famed Dobby the house elf impersonator Vladimir Putin has today stepped down from his role as the leader of Russia, after losing the American election.
“Da, it is very disappointing,” Putin is reported to have told advisors. “Maybe I will shoot down a civilian passenger plane, that always cheers me up.”
Putin will be best remembered for his legacy of killing any journalists who write bad thing about him, and also having a really tiny penis and horribly bad brea
The wake for the writer of this piece will be held next Tuesday, flowers are welcome


thechaser--2020-11-06--Trump family rush to sell all the White House cutlery on Ebay

Reports are surfacing that the Trump family has been seen frantically throwing all the White House cutlery into bags today @ @ @ @ @ brass doorknobs , in a frantic attempt to squeeze a final few dollars out of @ @ @ @ @ “ What do you reckon this lamp is worth dad ?
” one of the @ @ @ @ @ , as Donald frantically stuffed 200 years of presidential diaries into a pillowcase .
“ @ @ @ @ @ get at least 10 bucks on Gumtree.
” The family has also listed the White @ @ @ @ @ duration of their stay , with a spokesman for the Trump administration stating it was @ @ @ @ @ government resources .
“ Joe Biden won ’ t be moving in till January , @ @ @ @ @ which leaves a whole two months of the house being empty after Donald flees to @ @ @

Reports are surfacing that the Trump family has been seen frantically throwing all the White House cutlery into bags today, and removing all the brass doorknobs, in a frantic attempt to squeeze a final few dollars out of their time in office.
“What do you reckon this lamp is worth dad?” one of the Trump boys were heard asking, as Donald frantically stuffed 200 years of presidential diaries into a pillowcase. “It’s gotta get at least 10 bucks on Gumtree.”
The family has also listed the White House on AirBnB for the duration of their stay, with a spokesman for the Trump administration stating it was simply a good use of government resources. “Joe Biden won’t be moving in till January,” she explained, “which leaves a whole two months of the house being empty after Donald flees to Russia.”


thechaser--2020-11-06--Donald Trump spotted fleeing across border to Mexico

Full time golfer and former President of the United States Donald Trump has today been detained at the border to @ @ @ @ @ attempting to flee the country in the wake of his election loss .
“ Leto @ @ @ @ @ could be heard shouting while wearing a sombrero and fake moustache , “ Imma a @ @ @ @ @ me Donaldo El Trumpo , humble tequila salesman.
” Asked whether he really thought he @ @ @ @ @ said that he “ doesn ’ t know what-a you people are talking about ” @ @ @ @ @ border guards using his presidential authority , then giving up and driving away in his @ @ @ @ @ nearby .
Returning again two hours later in a poncho and eating a taco , @ @ @ @ @ the border , by guards who decided it would be better for everyone if the @ @ @ @ @ leave and never return .
UPDATE : Mexico has since sent Trump back , and @ @ @ @ @ border wall in order to keep Americans out of their country

Full time golfer and former President of the United States Donald Trump has today been detained at the border to Mexico, after being spotted attempting to flee the country in the wake of his election loss.
“Leto me go!” Trump could be heard shouting while wearing a sombrero and fake moustache, “Imma a native Mexicano citizano! Itsa me Donaldo El Trumpo, humble tequila salesman.”
Asked whether he really thought he was fooling anyone, Trump said that he “doesn’t know what-a you people are talking about” before attempting to fire the border guards using his presidential authority, then giving up and driving away in his presidential motorcade which was idling nearby.
Returning again two hours later in a poncho and eating a taco, Trump was successfully allowed over the border, by guards who decided it would be better for everyone if the man was just allowed to leave and never return.
UPDATE: Mexico has since sent Trump back, and offered to pay for a border wall in order to keep Americans out of their country


thechaser--2020-11-06--Florida Man retires to spend more time with daughter

Broke unemployed loser Donald Trump has today declared he will be moving back to Florida , after being kicked out @ @ @ @ @ had been squatting in for the last four years .
Stepping back from his duties @ @ @ @ @ , Donald told co-workers he is looking forward to spending more time with his children @ @ @ @ @ one Ivanka ” .
“ It just felt like the time was right to move @ @ @ @ @ as he was forcefully dragged out of the White House by the secret service .
@ @ @ @ @ almost starting World War 3 , and killing 200,000 people I realised the presidency really @ @ @ @ @ ” Instead Donald will be taking up a new career as a brand ambassador for @ @ @ @ @ , ” smiled Trump in a recent ad campaign .
“ It ’ s good @ @ @ @ @ ”

Broke unemployed loser Donald Trump has today declared he will be moving back to Florida, after being kicked out of the government housing he had been squatting in for the last four years. Stepping back from his duties as a full time golfer, Donald told co-workers he is looking forward to spending more time with his children, “especially that sexy one Ivanka”.
“It just felt like the time was right to move on,” explained Donald as he was forcefully dragged out of the White House by the secret service. “Some time between accidentally almost starting World War 3, and killing 200,000 people I realised the presidency really wasn’t for me.”
Instead Donald will be taking up a new career as a brand ambassador for Clorox Bleach. “Clorox,” smiled Trump in a recent ad campaign. “It’s good for what ails you.”


thechaser--2020-11-07--America passes history test

America passes history test

America has today scraped a pass on their collective history exam , after narrowly gaining a 51 % correct score on who should be their next President .
Though initially answering a ) ‘ The fascist ’ , Americans were then seen to cross out their answer and instead circle b ) ‘ The guy who isn ’ t perfect but at least he ’ s not a fascist ’ .
The low grade has come as a surprise to many , who say America really should have got an A in this , given it ’ s their favourite @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up about it , you know how they came in and saved the day during World War 2 with their democracy and freedom , beating down the angry shouty fascist leader who led by dividing the country against minority groups .
It ’ s literally the same exam all over again , but somehow this time they almost forgot the answer.
” The result is particularly troubling for the section of the class who didn ’ t pull their part in the group project , the over 45-white-male demographic , who overwhelmingly chose @ @ @ @ @ @ @ guys ’ whole personality for the last 40 odd years has been based around studying World War history and boring everybody they meet with the ins and outs of how the Americans defeated the Nazis , ” sighed one exacerbated teacher .
“ How the hell they all managed to then walk into the exam room and so confidently select the wrong answer , I ’ ll never know .
They ’ re almost as bad as my civil war students .
Those idiots still haven ’ t realised the south lost .
@

America has today scraped a pass on their collective history exam, after narrowly gaining a 51% correct score on who should be their next President.
Though initially answering a) ‘The fascist’, Americans were then seen to cross out their answer and instead circle b) ‘The guy who isn’t perfect but at least he’s not a fascist’.
The low grade has come as a surprise to many, who say America really should have got an A in this, given it’s their favourite topic. “God they never shut up about it, you know how they came in and saved the day during World War 2 with their democracy and freedom, beating down the angry shouty fascist leader who led by dividing the country against minority groups. It’s literally the same exam all over again, but somehow this time they almost forgot the answer.”
The result is particularly troubling for the section of the class who didn’t pull their part in the group project, the over 45-white-male demographic, who overwhelmingly chose the wrong answer. “Literally these guys’ whole personality for the last 40 odd years has been based around studying World War history and boring everybody they meet with the ins and outs of how the Americans defeated the Nazis,” sighed one exacerbated teacher. “How the hell they all managed to then walk into the exam room and so confidently select the wrong answer, I’ll never know. They’re almost as bad as my civil war students. Those idiots still haven’t realised the south lost.”


Thank fuck

The world has breathed a sigh of relief today , after the United States of America narrowly avoided driving off a cliff and instead just crashed into a wall .
The rogue nuclear power was today lauded by the UN for holding an election without civil war or widespread violence , in a sign of just how badly things have devolved in four years .
Celebrating in the street , Americans were said to be overjoyed at the idea that they have collectively chosen to keep their basic human rights .
“ You know normally getting a moderate who has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a bitter disappointment in an election outcome , ” explained one reveler , “ but compared to the alternative this is the greatest election result of all time.
” “ Sure there ’ s sill a virus , massive inequality , and the Supreme Court can still overturn gay marriage and abortion , thanks to Amy Barrett ’ s confirmation , but the Democrats can simply stack the bench to block it , which just will lead to Fox News inciting a civil war in revolt , completely destroying what ’ s left @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ And somehow , this is still the best case election outcome .
Who ’ s ready to party !
?
”

The world has breathed a sigh of relief today, after the United States of America narrowly avoided driving off a cliff and instead just crashed into a wall. The rogue nuclear power was today lauded by the UN for holding an election without civil war or widespread violence, in a sign of just how badly things have devolved in four years.
Celebrating in the street, Americans were said to be overjoyed at the idea that they have collectively chosen to keep their basic human rights. “You know normally getting a moderate who has pledged to do basically nothing would be a bitter disappointment in an election outcome,” explained one reveler, “but compared to the alternative this is the greatest election result of all time.”
“Sure there’s sill a virus, massive inequality, and the Supreme Court can still overturn gay marriage and abortion, thanks to Amy Barrett’s confirmation, but the Democrats can simply stack the bench to block it, which just will lead to Fox News inciting a civil war in revolt, completely destroying what’s left of America,” he commented. “And somehow, this is still the best case election outcome. Who’s ready to party!?”