thechaser--2020-03-19--Ray Hadley suspiciously enthusiastic about Alan Jones mixing with large crowds to prove virus a hoax

Ray Hadley has said that he fully supports Alan Jones in his view that coronavirus does not exist , and has coincidentally reminded 2GB management that he ’ s younger , fitter , and an ideal successor were the unthinkable to happen .
The top-rating professional shouter Alan Jones has claimed repeatedly that coronavirus is “ the global warming of heath ” while broadcasting from a remote studio on his property in rural NSW to protect himself from coronavirus .
But Mr Hadley has reportedly told Jones he 100 % agrees with Jones , and that Jones has nothing to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Jones has promised to help his beloved listeners through this crisis by denying that the virus exists right until the moment they asphyxiate from lack of oxygen caused by the acute respiratory failure that is characteristic of the non-existent pathogen .
“ I will go on helping my devoted audience feel safe from this ridiculous lie , right until their dying breath , ” he said .
“ I won ’ t wash my hands of my listeners – in fact , I ’ m not washing my hands at all.
” Health @ @ @ @ @ @ @ claim , but had to concede defeat when the broadcaster also claimed that his critics were also a hoax .
“ Once he refused to acknowledge that there really was a chief medical officer , it was checkmate , ” Professor Brendan Murphy said .
“ Jones ’ strategy is so effective that we are starting a clinical trial of denial ’ s effectiveness against coronavirus immediately.
” It ’ s understood that Jones ’ bosses ’ main concern is that coronavirus will remove the shock jock from his long-held number one spot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ABC rivals the top breakfast show .
“ I also don ’ t believe that the ABC exists , ” Jones said .
“ Although the way their budget is looking , that belief actually will be true soon enough .
”

Ray Hadley has said that he fully supports Alan Jones in his view that coronavirus does not exist, and has coincidentally reminded 2GB management that he’s younger, fitter, and an ideal successor were the unthinkable to happen.
The top-rating professional shouter Alan Jones has claimed repeatedly that coronavirus is “the global warming of heath” while broadcasting from a remote studio on his property in rural NSW to protect himself from coronavirus.
But Mr Hadley has reportedly told Jones he 100% agrees with Jones, and that Jones has nothing to worry about mixing in mass gatherings.
Jones has promised to help his beloved listeners through this crisis by denying that the virus exists right until the moment they asphyxiate from lack of oxygen caused by the acute respiratory failure that is characteristic of the non-existent pathogen.
“I will go on helping my devoted audience feel safe from this ridiculous lie, right until their dying breath,” he said. “I won’t wash my hands of my listeners – in fact, I’m not washing my hands at all.”
Health experts have demanded that Jones retract his claim, but had to concede defeat when the broadcaster also claimed that his critics were also a hoax. “Once he refused to acknowledge that there really was a chief medical officer, it was checkmate,” Professor Brendan Murphy said. “Jones’ strategy is so effective that we are starting a clinical trial of denial’s effectiveness against coronavirus immediately.”
It’s understood that Jones’ bosses’ main concern is that coronavirus will remove the shock jock from his long-held number one spot by annihilating his audience, giving his ABC rivals the top breakfast show. “I also don’t believe that the ABC exists,” Jones said. “Although the way their budget is looking, that belief actually will be true soon enough.”


thechaser--2020-03-19--Grumpy, cave-dwelling hermit now Instagram’s top lifestyle influencer

Silas McGillicuddy , a grizzled yokel who resides in a remote cave in the West Virginia backwoods , has achieved unlikely fame on Instagram in recent days .
Posting under the name @ hermitsilas_xo , his artless yet authentic photos of his rustic , solitary life have rapidly accumulated 169 million followers , ahead of Selena Gomez and in striking distance of the far less relevant Dwayne ‘ The Rock ’ Johnson .
Silas ’ tips on simple living have struck a chord during the coronavirus crisis , as millions of Instagram users worldwide search for fresh influencers to guide @ @ @ @ @ @ @ isolation .
Silas ’ posts about collecting rainwater in old boots , fashioning simple traps from shoelaces and chicken wire , and skinning and roasting squirrels , have earned many millions of ‘ likes ’ , along with hundreds of thousands of vomits thanks to his detailed depictions of squirrel intestines .
The ‘ hermit chic ’ movement Silas has inspired has led to huge online sales of banjos , hunting knives and humble sackcloth garments that appear to have been fashioned by simple hermits but in fact come from the Uniqlo factory @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s most prominent celebrities have rushed to post on the yokel ’ s feed to associate themselves with Silas ’ celebrity .
Justin Bieber wrote “ Mad respect Silas # myhermit ” , while Ariana Grande commented “ silas your simple heart inspirz us all neva change ” .
Chris Martin from Coldplay wrote “ i admire u so muuuch silas , i am like u in soooo many ways big hugz ” underneath a photo of the ancient , rusty hoe with which Silas thanklessly tills the rocky soil near his cave @ @ @ @ @ @ @ largely subsists , generously glossing over the 100 % of respects in which his life differs from Silas ’ .
When told of his global renown , however , Silas immediately deleted the Instagram app after one final post in which he pointed out that “ I didn ’ t get into the hermit lifestyle to make friends , ” and admitted that he only downloaded the the Instagram app because he thought it was some kind of “ instant camera like my old Polaroid ” .
“ Also , people kept asking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ since 1987 has a cellphone in the first place , ” Silas wrote .
“ That really upset me .
I may be a simple hermit , but I ’ m not a barbarian .
”

Silas McGillicuddy, a grizzled yokel who resides in a remote cave in the West Virginia backwoods, has achieved unlikely fame on Instagram in recent days. Posting under the name @hermitsilas_xo, his artless yet authentic photos of his rustic, solitary life have rapidly accumulated 169 million followers, ahead of Selena Gomez and in striking distance of the far less relevant Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Silas’ tips on simple living have struck a chord during the coronavirus crisis, as millions of Instagram users worldwide search for fresh influencers to guide them through this new era of protracted isolation. Silas’ posts about collecting rainwater in old boots, fashioning simple traps from shoelaces and chicken wire, and skinning and roasting squirrels, have earned many millions of ‘likes’, along with hundreds of thousands of vomits thanks to his detailed depictions of squirrel intestines.
The ‘hermit chic’ movement Silas has inspired has led to huge online sales of banjos, hunting knives and humble sackcloth garments that appear to have been fashioned by simple hermits but in fact come from the Uniqlo factory in Cambodia.
Some of Instagram’s most prominent celebrities have rushed to post on the yokel’s feed to associate themselves with Silas’ celebrity. Justin Bieber wrote “Mad respect Silas #myhermit”, while Ariana Grande commented “silas your simple heart inspirz us all neva change”.
Chris Martin from Coldplay wrote “i admire u so muuuch silas, i am like u in soooo many ways big hugz” underneath a photo of the ancient, rusty hoe with which Silas thanklessly tills the rocky soil near his cave to grow the mushrooms on which he largely subsists, generously glossing over the 100% of respects in which his life differs from Silas’.
When told of his global renown, however, Silas immediately deleted the Instagram app after one final post in which he pointed out that “I didn’t get into the hermit lifestyle to make friends,” and admitted that he only downloaded the the Instagram app because he thought it was some kind of “instant camera like my old Polaroid”.
“Also, people kept asking me why someone who has shunned society since 1987 has a cellphone in the first place,” Silas wrote. “That really upset me. I may be a simple hermit, but I’m not a barbarian.”


thechaser--2020-03-19--Parent who pulled kids out of school instantly regretting it

At the beginning of the week , many parents across the country decided to keep them at home indefinitely to protect themselves and the community against Covid-19 .
By Thursday , however , every last parent had sent their children back to school after belatedly remembering how irritating they are .
“ My kids are everything to me , ” said one devastated Mosman mother .
“ But only for three hours on weekdays , and the five minutes on weekends when they ’ re not playing Fortnite.
” As an ever harsher blow , none of the usual vacation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ grandma ’ s place that prevent parents from having to spend time with kids during the school holidays are currently available .
“ I can ’ t even pack my teenagers off to the mall for the day with a fifty dollar note and vague instructions about not spending it on cigarettes , ” said one frustrated Toorak dad .
“ I would have gotten the snip years ago if I ’ d known having kids meant actually having to have the kids.
” In response the nation ’ s children have adopted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ keep mentioning what a ‘ huuuuge pity ’ it is that their parents are more likely to die before them .

At the beginning of the week, many parents across the country decided to keep them at home indefinitely to protect themselves and the community against Covid-19. By Thursday, however, every last parent had sent their children back to school after belatedly remembering how irritating they are.
“My kids are everything to me,” said one devastated Mosman mother. “But only for three hours on weekdays, and the five minutes on weekends when they’re not playing Fortnite.”
As an ever harsher blow, none of the usual vacation care, tennis camps and stays at grandma’s place that prevent parents from having to spend time with kids during the school holidays are currently available. “I can’t even pack my teenagers off to the mall for the day with a fifty dollar note and vague instructions about not spending it on cigarettes,” said one frustrated Toorak dad. “I would have gotten the snip years ago if I’d known having kids meant actually having to have the kids.”
In response the nation’s children have adopted an attitude of surly sarcasm, and keep mentioning what a ‘huuuuge pity’ it is that their parents are more likely to die before them.


thechaser--2020-03-20--Qantas offers to give the 20,000 workers it laid off its spare fleet of 737 Max planes

Qantas has offered to give its spare fleet of 737 Max planes to the 20,000 workers it laid off this week .
The offer comes after a backlash about its decision to get rid of the workers just minutes after the airline industry was given a $ 715 million bailout from the government .
The airline then went on to refuse to cut its dividends to its owners .
“ There has been a lot of backlash in the community about laying off all those workers , ” said CEO Alan Joyce .
“ But we just don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all on my $ 23.8m remuneration package .
What we do have , though , is plenty of Boeing 737 Max planes .
So everyone can have one of them .
It shows exactly how much we care about them.
” 737 Max planes are the ones that tend to crash shortly after take off .
Mr Joyce said lot of people had expressed the belief that laying off two-thirds of the workforce wasn ’ t in keeping with its slogan , “ the Spirit of Australia ” .
“ Frankly , it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ anyone in the Federal Cabinet would do , ” he pointed out .
Mr Joyce said that instead of changing its actions , it was easier to just change its slogan to more accurate reflect Qantas under Joyce .
“ Scott Morrison said it himself .
Under his government , you have to have a go to get a go .
And we had a go at getting a taxpayer bailout , and so now we get a go at letting all our workers go .
It ’ s very simple.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to be The Spirit of ScoMo ’ s Australia , ” Mr Joyce told reporters .
As this article was going to press , seven ex-Qantas workers had grudgingly accepted Alan Joyce ’ s offer , which also included having a soft drink of your choice spilled over your laptop .

Qantas has offered to give its spare fleet of 737 Max planes to the 20,000 workers it laid off this week. The offer comes after a backlash about its decision to get rid of the workers just minutes after the airline industry was given a $715 million bailout from the government. The airline then went on to refuse to cut its dividends to its owners.
“There has been a lot of backlash in the community about laying off all those workers,” said CEO Alan Joyce. “But we just don’t have the money. We spent it all on my $23.8m remuneration package. What we do have, though, is plenty of Boeing 737 Max planes. So everyone can have one of them. It shows exactly how much we care about them.”
737 Max planes are the ones that tend to crash shortly after take off.
Mr Joyce said lot of people had expressed the belief that laying off two-thirds of the workforce wasn’t in keeping with its slogan, “the Spirit of Australia”. “Frankly, it’s exactly the sort of thing anyone in the Federal Cabinet would do,” he pointed out.
Mr Joyce said that instead of changing its actions, it was easier to just change its slogan to more accurate reflect Qantas under Joyce. “Scott Morrison said it himself. Under his government, you have to have a go to get a go. And we had a go at getting a taxpayer bailout, and so now we get a go at letting all our workers go. It’s very simple.”
“So we’re changing our slogan to be The Spirit of ScoMo’s Australia,” Mr Joyce told reporters.
As this article was going to press, seven ex-Qantas workers had grudgingly accepted Alan Joyce’s offer, which also included having a soft drink of your choice spilled over your laptop.


thechaser--2020-03-20--Mansplaining plummets to historic lows as work meetings cancelled

Mansplaining has plummeted to historic lows .
The figures come after work meetings around the world have been cancelled and @ @ @ @ @ and doing their jobs , and drinking a lot .
“ Mansplaining is now mostly @ @ @ @ @ on Zoom , ” said Dr Zoe Smith , an expert in workplace relations .
@ @ @ @ @ means is that men are telling women about how their tele-conferencing programs should be configured @ @ @ @ @ it already , ” explained a random man standing next to Dr Smith .
While @ @ @ @ @ this trend may last , Dr Smith warned against such optimism .
“ Mansplaining is @ @ @ @ @ a way of evolving to adapt .
It ’ s likely we could see whole @ @ @ @ @ as a result of this crisis .
Even is we isolate , mitigate and suppress @ @ @ @ @ for years to come.
” “ What she means is that mansplaining is a bit @ @ @ @ @ explained the man .

Mansplaining has plummeted to historic lows. The figures come after work meetings around the world have been cancelled and replaced with people getting on and doing their jobs, and drinking a lot.
“Mansplaining is now mostly about getting the settings right on Zoom,” said Dr Zoe Smith, an expert in workplace relations.
“Actually, what she means is that men are telling women about how their tele-conferencing programs should be configured even though they clearly know it already,” explained a random man standing next to Dr Smith.
While some women are hoping that this trend may last, Dr Smith warned against such optimism. “Mansplaining is remarkably resilient, and has a way of evolving to adapt. It’s likely we could see whole new forms of seasonal mansplaining as a result of this crisis. Even is we isolate, mitigate and suppress, it could be around for years to come.”
“What she means is that mansplaining is a bit like a virus,” explained the man.


thechaser--2020-03-20--Home worker becomes first person ever to finish Netflix

A woman who has been “ working from home ” for the last two weeks has watched every single show on Netflix , she announced last night .
The woman said the hardest part was getting through all the Adam Sandler movies , “ although rewatching House of Cards now that we know what a creep Kevin Spacey is ” made for difficult viewing .
The last movie the woman watched was The Kissing Booth , a high-school rom-com about a boy who make a girl kiss him a lot .
“ Yeah , that was pretty difficult .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , just from cringing.
” Asked about how she achieved it , she told reporters it started off as an accident .
“ I was working from home , and I was supposed to do a report about quarterly sales projections and instead I started watching Skin Wars .
Totally understandable .
From there it just spiralled.
” Colleagues were surprised at her achievement .
“ She ’ s been doing just as much work as normal .
I don ’ t understand how she could fit it all in.
” The woman @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over 99 % of her job time is spent in meetings with older , more senior men , mansplaining stuff that everyone already knows .
Without having to have those meetings , her actual job can now be completed in just 4 and a half minutes per day .

A woman who has been “working from home” for the last two weeks has watched every single show on Netflix, she announced last night.
The woman said the hardest part was getting through all the Adam Sandler movies, “although rewatching House of Cards now that we know what a creep Kevin Spacey is” made for difficult viewing.
The last movie the woman watched was The Kissing Booth, a high-school rom-com about a boy who make a girl kiss him a lot. “Yeah, that was pretty difficult. I cramped up a bit at the end, just from cringing.”
Asked about how she achieved it, she told reporters it started off as an accident. “I was working from home, and I was supposed to do a report about quarterly sales projections and instead I started watching Skin Wars. Totally understandable. From there it just spiralled.”
Colleagues were surprised at her achievement. “She’s been doing just as much work as normal. I don’t understand how she could fit it all in.”
The woman explained that because she works in marketing over 99% of her job time is spent in meetings with older, more senior men, mansplaining stuff that everyone already knows. Without having to have those meetings, her actual job can now be completed in just 4 and a half minutes per day.


thechaser--2020-03-21--Morrison gets cruiseliner trophy for his desk which reads “I didn’t stop this”

The staff of Scott Morrison have given him a new trophy to put on his desk , replacing the old one which depicted a small boat , and the slogan , “ I stopped these ” .
The trophy is now of the Ruby Princess cruiseliner , and reads , “ But I didn ’ t stop this.
” The Ruby Princess allowed 2700 passengers to disembark on Friday , even though several passengers had coronavirus .
The passengers are now considered a public health risk and have been instructed to self-quarantine for 14 days .
Speaking last night about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ passengers from disembarking , Mr Morrison said he only dealt harshly with boats when they contained brown , poor people who pose a fictional threat .
“ Most of the passengers on board the Ruby Princess were white and well-heeled .
It didn ’ t even occur to me they ’ d pose a threat.
” “ You ’ ve got to understand , my entire stop the boats policy was to prevent Australia from a completely made-up threat .
We just weren ’ t prepared for an actual , real threat coming @ @ @ @ @ @ @ refused to apologise , and said his policy on boats was unwavering .
“ We decide which infected people come to our country and the circumstances in which they infect everyone .
”

The staff of Scott Morrison have given him a new trophy to put on his desk, replacing the old one which depicted a small boat, and the slogan, “I stopped these”.
The trophy is now of the Ruby Princess cruiseliner, and reads, “But I didn’t stop this.”
The Ruby Princess allowed 2700 passengers to disembark on Friday, even though several passengers had coronavirus. The passengers are now considered a public health risk and have been instructed to self-quarantine for 14 days.
Speaking last night about his failure to stop the Ruby Princess passengers from disembarking, Mr Morrison said he only dealt harshly with boats when they contained brown, poor people who pose a fictional threat. “Most of the passengers on board the Ruby Princess were white and well-heeled. It didn’t even occur to me they’d pose a threat.”
“You’ve got to understand, my entire stop the boats policy was to prevent Australia from a completely made-up threat. We just weren’t prepared for an actual, real threat coming ashore by boat.”
But Mr Morrison refused to apologise, and said his policy on boats was unwavering. “We decide which infected people come to our country and the circumstances in which they infect everyone.”


thechaser--2020-03-22--Local man apparently happy to kill grandparents if it means not having to cancel brunch

Young , healthy Australian Emily Zacson has today crammed into a crowded cafe with friends after deciding that preserving hundreds of thousands of lives was probably not worth skipping brunch for .
“ Yea , look , I weighed up the benefits of not potentially killing my grandparents or the prospect of having to go without eating salmon and capers with my girl group this morning , and I decided that capers are more important than the health of my loved ones , ” explained Emily .
“ I know other people have been encouraged to stay home and distance @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they ’ re just side characters in my life and I ’ m the main character so I could never catch or spread a deadly infectious disease .
That just wouldn ’ t align with my self-centered world view.
” Likewise other Australians have also declared themselves immune to the pathogen currently tearing down the infrastructure of entire countries , with the nation ’ s collective 50 year olds stating that they were sitting outside at the pub instead of inside so therefore they could never spread disease .
“ It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Parsons after attending a packed backyard houseparty last night .
“ The government only said we can ’ t gather indoors , so it ’ s illegal for the disease to infect us outdoors .
Anyway , I have to go , I ’ ve got a bit of a headache and sore throat today , plus I really want to get to the movies before the quarantine kicks in tomorrow .
”

Young, healthy Australian Emily Zacson has today crammed into a crowded cafe with friends after deciding that preserving hundreds of thousands of lives was probably not worth skipping brunch for.
“Yea, look, I weighed up the benefits of not potentially killing my grandparents or the prospect of having to go without eating salmon and capers with my girl group this morning, and I decided that capers are more important than the health of my loved ones,” explained Emily. “I know other people have been encouraged to stay home and distance from each other, but you see they’re just side characters in my life and I’m the main character so I could never catch or spread a deadly infectious disease. That just wouldn’t align with my self-centered world view.”
Likewise other Australians have also declared themselves immune to the pathogen currently tearing down the infrastructure of entire countries, with the nation’s collective 50 year olds stating that they were sitting outside at the pub instead of inside so therefore they could never spread disease.
“It’s just basic science,” reports Troy Parsons after attending a packed backyard houseparty last night. “The government only said we can’t gather indoors, so it’s illegal for the disease to infect us outdoors. Anyway, I have to go, I’ve got a bit of a headache and sore throat today, plus I really want to get to the movies before the quarantine kicks in tomorrow.”


thechaser--2020-03-22--Nation that can’t handle toilet paper shortage can’t see why hospital shortage would be a problem

Citizens across Australia have today gathered together to ignore repeated government warnings to just stay the fuck inside and watch some TV after declaring they they are immortal and it ’ ll probably be someone else who ends up unable to get a bed in a hospital as their lungs fill with fluid .
“ Yea she ’ ll be right mate , ” said a group of 20 sitting at a pub this afternoon .
“ We ’ re all clearly coped so well when one Woolworths sold out of toilet paper for a day , I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ @ @ organised and sensible once all the hospitals run out of incubators.
” However , some Australians disagree , with immunocompromised haemophiliac Alex Johnson stating that he ’ d actually very much prefer not to die in the next three weeks .
“ Yea , I know I ’ m asking a lot of you guys when I request that maybe you sit on the couch binge watching movies instead of spreading a pandemic disease , but if you could all be so kind as to not claim my bed in hospital once you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ yourself to the emergency ward while not being able to properly breathe because all the ambulances are at capacity , that ’ d be much appreciated .
”

Citizens across Australia have today gathered together to ignore repeated government warnings to just stay the fuck inside and watch some TV after declaring they they are immortal and it’ll probably be someone else who ends up unable to get a bed in a hospital as their lungs fill with fluid.
“Yea she’ll be right mate,” said a group of 20 sitting at a pub this afternoon. “We’re all clearly coped so well when one Woolworths sold out of toilet paper for a day, I’m sure we’ll be equally as organised and sensible once all the hospitals run out of incubators.”
However, some Australians disagree, with immunocompromised haemophiliac Alex Johnson stating that he’d actually very much prefer not to die in the next three weeks. “Yea, I know I’m asking a lot of you guys when I request that maybe you sit on the couch binge watching movies instead of spreading a pandemic disease, but if you could all be so kind as to not claim my bed in hospital once you’re all desperately having to drive yourself to the emergency ward while not being able to properly breathe because all the ambulances are at capacity, that’d be much appreciated.”


thechaser--2020-03-22--“Why aren’t they staying home!?” says guy that went to a Hillsong conference last week

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today lashed out at “ selfish ” Australians who have refused to comply with gathering restrictions , like those that have recently attended large football games of 1000 strong Hillsong conferences .
“ What in the world made you think this kind of behaviour is okay ?
” asked Morrison while booking tickets to Coachella .
“ Please for the love of god listen to what I say , not what I do !
” However , Australians have largely ignored the Prime Minister ’ s pleas , instead opting to continue along with their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the shops thrown in .
“ Yea I don ’ t know why the media and politicians are all freaking out , ” said one man chilling on Bondi Beach today .
“ I ’ m sure the whole Corona thing is nothing , I mean , it ’ s not like we have evidence of exactly what ’ s going to happen from a bunch of countries where the virus has already broken out , and we ’ re wasting our one chance at avoiding a health-care meltdown by ignoring a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just staying home and watching Netflix .
Italy , Korea , Japan , Iran , China , they were all just flukes .
Nah , everything ’ s going to be fine mate.
” Asked whether he still held those same views three weeks into the future , Ian was unable to answer on account of being unable to breathe without an intubator .

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today lashed out at “selfish” Australians who have refused to comply with gathering restrictions, like those that have recently attended large football games of 1000 strong Hillsong conferences.
“What in the world made you think this kind of behaviour is okay?” asked Morrison while booking tickets to Coachella. “Please for the love of god listen to what I say, not what I do!”
However, Australians have largely ignored the Prime Minister’s pleas, instead opting to continue along with their regular lives with a few extra trips to the shops thrown in. “Yea I don’t know why the media and politicians are all freaking out,” said one man chilling on Bondi Beach today. “I’m sure the whole Corona thing is nothing, I mean, it’s not like we have evidence of exactly what’s going to happen from a bunch of countries where the virus has already broken out, and we’re wasting our one chance at avoiding a health-care meltdown by ignoring a request to do the bare minimum by just staying home and watching Netflix. Italy, Korea, Japan, Iran, China, they were all just flukes. Nah, everything’s going to be fine mate.”
Asked whether he still held those same views three weeks into the future, Ian was unable to answer on account of being unable to breathe without an intubator.


thechaser--2020-03-22--Strict rationing introduced as ministers to be limited to two fuckups per day

New government guidelines have been issued limiting Federal Cabinet ministers to a maximum of two fuckups per person , per day .
“ It ’ s important everybody gets a go at shitting everything up , not just the people at the top , ” said Prime Minister Scott Morrison .
“ Now is the time to look after everyone .
We can ’ t have people like Andrew Gee , Minister for Decentralisation and Regionalisation , or the Hon .
Mark Coulton missing out on their chance to embarrass themselves and their country.
” “ Crises like this come @ @ @ @ @ @ @ simply have to limit the number of blunders , gaffes and lapses in judgement we may usually be used to in order to make sure there are enough for everybody.
” “ I have spoken to my cabinet and asked them to think about what is going to be important to them , whether cheating on their wife with a 19-year-old or sneezing into an envelope and posting it to an old folks ’ home.
” Opposition ministers have questioned whether two fuckups will be anywhere near enough and have called for an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ source said “ It ’ s far easier to be realistic now than sort it out later .
”

New government guidelines have been issued limiting Federal Cabinet ministers to a maximum of two fuckups per person, per day.
“It’s important everybody gets a go at shitting everything up, not just the people at the top,” said Prime Minister Scott Morrison. “Now is the time to look after everyone. We can’t have people like Andrew Gee, Minister for Decentralisation and Regionalisation, or the Hon. Mark Coulton missing out on their chance to embarrass themselves and their country.”
“Crises like this come around once in a generation. We simply have to limit the number of blunders, gaffes and lapses in judgement we may usually be used to in order to make sure there are enough for everybody.”
“I have spoken to my cabinet and asked them to think about what is going to be important to them, whether cheating on their wife with a 19-year-old or sneezing into an envelope and posting it to an old folks’ home.”
Opposition ministers have questioned whether two fuckups will be anywhere near enough and have called for an increase in the minimum ration. A source said “It’s far easier to be realistic now than sort it out later.”


thechaser--2020-03-22--Nation’s leader disgusted by people that would sit on a beach during crisis

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has tonight sat down in a live interview with the ABC to help ensure that everybody is completely unclear on what the next few weeks will hold .
“ Yes , as you may have heard , the states are halting business and closing schools , ” announced Morrison .
“ Therefore it is my duty as a leader during a crisis to contradict both of those things late on a Sunday night just as everybody is organising their week.
” Australians everywhere say they are now relieved to be back to the normal state of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fucking clue what its leaders are doing and how it will affect them personally .
“ As a parent , I ’ m glad to be sure that my kids maybe aren ’ t going to school on Tuesday , ” said one relieved parent .
“ And as a hairdresser it ’ s good to know that will match up perfectly with my quantum state of being both opened and closed depending on which leader you ask.
” The Prime Minister also took the opportunity to chastise those Australians who failed to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as ‘ un-Australian ’ and dissapointments .
“ I don ’ t know where all these people got the idea that it ’ s acceptable to go sit on a beach during a crisis , why won ’ t you listen to experts ?
” raved Morrison while waving a lump of coal .
“ And as the leader of the Liberal party I am shocked and appalled to see individuals only looking out for themselves instead of acting for the good of society .
What has this country come to ?
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me .
I have a 10,000 strong Hillsong conference to attend.
” Friendly reminder to # StayTheFuckHomeAustralia .
Social distancing means staying home , only going to the shops once a week and limiting who you physically meet with in person .
It doesn ’ t mean sit 1.5m away from your mates at the pub , and it doesn ’ t mean you have to stockpile toilet paper .
The shops will stay open during a lockdown .

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has tonight sat down in a live interview with the ABC to help ensure that everybody is completely unclear on what the next few weeks will hold.
“Yes, as you may have heard, the states are halting business and closing schools,” announced Morrison. “Therefore it is my duty as a leader during a crisis to contradict both of those things late on a Sunday night just as everybody is organising their week.”
Australians everywhere say they are now relieved to be back to the normal state of things, with the country having no fucking clue what its leaders are doing and how it will affect them personally. “As a parent, I’m glad to be sure that my kids maybe aren’t going to school on Tuesday,” said one relieved parent. “And as a hairdresser it’s good to know that will match up perfectly with my quantum state of being both opened and closed depending on which leader you ask.”
The Prime Minister also took the opportunity to chastise those Australians who failed to self-isolate over the weekend, describing them as ‘un-Australian’ and dissapointments. “I don’t know where all these people got the idea that it’s acceptable to go sit on a beach during a crisis, why won’t you listen to experts?” raved Morrison while waving a lump of coal. “And as the leader of the Liberal party I am shocked and appalled to see individuals only looking out for themselves instead of acting for the good of society. What has this country come to?”
“Now if you’ll excuse me. I have a 10,000 strong Hillsong conference to attend.”
Friendly reminder to #StayTheFuckHomeAustralia. Social distancing means staying home, only going to the shops once a week and limiting who you physically meet with in person. It doesn’t mean sit 1.5m away from your mates at the pub, and it doesn’t mean you have to stockpile toilet paper. The shops will stay open during a lockdown.


thechaser--2020-03-23--Nation hit with worst disaster yet as they’re forced to deal with Centrelink

The nation of Australia has stopped worrying about the Coronavirus today , after declaring that nothing could be worse than their first day attempting to claim social services in this country .
“ I called up and informed them I ’ d lost my job because of the downturn , ” explained newly unemployed citizen Brent Everett .
“ They instantly processed my claim and told me I now owe $ 5000 in Robodebt and I have 3 days to pay it or they ’ ll start leaving horse heads in my bed.
” “ I know people always complain @ @ @ @ @ @ @ supposed to affect ME !
” raged another newly unemployed man Joey Mills .
“ Centrelink should only be bad for those lazy people who were out of work before the virus happened .
For hard working people who lost their job through no fault of their own , Centrelink should be a streamlined breeze.
” Asked whether he had possibly for a moment considered that he and the people unemployed for different but equally valid reasons might actually be exactly the same , John said that the thought had never occurred to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sound right .

The nation of Australia has stopped worrying about the Coronavirus today, after declaring that nothing could be worse than their first day attempting to claim social services in this country.
“I called up and informed them I’d lost my job because of the downturn,” explained newly unemployed citizen Brent Everett. “They instantly processed my claim and told me I now owe $5000 in Robodebt and I have 3 days to pay it or they’ll start leaving horse heads in my bed.”
“I know people always complain about Centrelink, but it was never supposed to affect ME!” raged another newly unemployed man Joey Mills. “Centrelink should only be bad for those lazy people who were out of work before the virus happened. For hard working people who lost their job through no fault of their own, Centrelink should be a streamlined breeze.”
Asked whether he had possibly for a moment considered that he and the people unemployed for different but equally valid reasons might actually be exactly the same, John said that the thought had never occurred to him, but it doesn’t sound right.


thechaser--2020-03-23--Scott Morrison reveals $17 billion stimulus package for marginal electorates

Scott Morrison has revealed that the economy has been fixed today , following the emergency release of over $ 17 billion to sure up the finances of small business owners in marginal electorates .
“ This is an important and necessary measure to ensure our continued electability sorry , I mean stability , ” announced Morrison , “ We expect this $ 17 billion stimulus injection will sure up the confidence of voters right across North Sydney.
” However , the government ’ s funding plan has already hit a snag , with the minister in charge of the distribution @ @ @ @ @ @ @ $ 17 billion after signing up a mysterious Cayman Islands company to distribute the funds .
“ Oh dear it seems to all be gone what a shame , ” said Angus while adjusting his new gold watch .
“ Now if you ’ ll excuse me I have chartered a private jet to… the shops .
Yes that sounds believable.
” Asked to investigate the missing funds , the AFP set up a crack squad of financial investigators to look into the issue before declaring the investigation closed five seconds later , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ letter declaring that “ I… I mean Angus Taylor is innocent of all charges levelled against me .
”

Scott Morrison has revealed that the election economy has been fixed today, following the emergency release of over $17 billion to sure up the finances of small business owners in marginal electorates.
“This is an important and necessary measure to ensure our continued electability sorry, I mean stability,” announced Morrison, “We expect this $17 billion stimulus injection will sure up the confidence of voters right across North Sydney.”
However, the government’s funding plan has already hit a snag, with the minister in charge of the distribution, Angus Taylor, accidentally misplacing the $17 billion after signing up a mysterious Cayman Islands company to distribute the funds. “Oh dear it seems to all be gone what a shame,” said Angus while adjusting his new gold watch. “Now if you’ll excuse me I have chartered a private jet to… the shops. Yes that sounds believable.”
Asked to investigate the missing funds, the AFP set up a crack squad of financial investigators to look into the issue before declaring the investigation closed five seconds later, with no charges pressed, releasing a letter declaring that “I… I mean Angus Taylor is innocent of all charges levelled against me.”


thechaser--2020-03-23--Cruise ship passengers urged to self-isolate and think about what made them go on a cruise in the fi

New South Wales Health Minister Brad Hazzard has pleaded with passengers from the Ruby Princess to remain at home and @ @ @ @ @ think about what made them want to go on a cruise .
The ship is @ @ @ @ @ least 158 incidences of illness .
Even more tragically , 2700 people on-board consciously chose @ @ @ @ @ .
The mainly older holidaymakers have been individually contacted and ordered to spend the next @ @ @ @ @ choices .
But there are concerns that people will not do as instructed .
But @ @ @ @ @ the suggestion .
“ They have very clearly been told to stay at home if @ @ @ @ @ unless they are a teacher , a child , an Uber driver , a minimum @ @ @ @ @ postie or are just popping down to IGA .
Nothing could be clearer .
”

Cruise ship passengers urged to self-isolate and think about what made them go on a cruise in the first place
New South Wales Health Minister Brad Hazzard has pleaded with passengers from the Ruby Princess to remain at home and have a good, hard think about what made them want to go on a cruise.
The ship is thought to have had at least 158 incidences of illness. Even more tragically, 2700 people on-board consciously chose to go on a cruise. The mainly older holidaymakers have been individually contacted and ordered to spend the next 14 days considering their life choices.
But there are concerns that people will not do as instructed. But Mr Hazzard lashed out at the suggestion. “They have very clearly been told to stay at home if they have any flu-like symptoms unless they are a teacher, a child, an Uber driver, a minimum wage hospitality worker, a postie or are just popping down to IGA. Nothing could be clearer.”


thechaser--2020-03-23--Government unveils plan to confuse people so much they don’t worry about the crisis anymore

The government has embarked an ambitious plan to sew so much confusion in the community that they stop worrying about the coronavirus crisis enveloping the globe .
The State Premiers announced the move last night , only to have Scott Morrison lay out a different plan to only mildly confuse people , a few hours later .
This morning , it was unclear whether the plan was to gravely confuse people or mildly confuse them , adding to the confusion .
Public health officials admitted that the plan had never been tried before , but that so far it was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just work .
“ To be honest , I ’ ve spent so much time working out whether schools are open or shut or not-shut-but-not-really-open that I haven ’ t had time to worry , ” said one official .
“ I haven ’ t felt this serene in weeks.
” Mr Morrison called on all Australians to self-confuse where possible .
“ Ideally , people would confuse themselves , but if that ’ s not possible , then we ask that they simply visit their relevant government website , which should help @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Morrison .
“ If you ’ re still not confused , then just listen to whatever I say .
That ’ ll do it .
”

The government has embarked an ambitious plan to sew so much confusion in the community that they stop worrying about the coronavirus crisis enveloping the globe.
The State Premiers announced the move last night, only to have Scott Morrison lay out a different plan to only mildly confuse people, a few hours later. This morning, it was unclear whether the plan was to gravely confuse people or mildly confuse them, adding to the confusion.
Public health officials admitted that the plan had never been tried before, but that so far it was being implemented with such panache that might just work. “To be honest, I’ve spent so much time working out whether schools are open or shut or not-shut-but-not-really-open that I haven’t had time to worry,” said one official. “I haven’t felt this serene in weeks.”
Mr Morrison called on all Australians to self-confuse where possible. “Ideally, people would confuse themselves, but if that’s not possible, then we ask that they simply visit their relevant government website, which should help them become confused,” said Mr Morrison. “If you’re still not confused, then just listen to whatever I say. That’ll do it.”


thechaser--2020-03-23--Liberal party shocked to see individuals putting themselves ahead of the interests of others

The party which won its last 6 elections on the promise that they would defund schools and hospitals to let everybody have more money has today acted shocked to learn that Australians tend to put their own personal interests ahead of the greater good of society .
“ What has gotten into you people !
?
” asked Prime Minister Scott Morrison today while slashing funding to the ABC .
“ Can ’ t you see that by only thinking of yourselves you will be hurting the most marginalised people in society ?
God you ’ re acting exactly like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ us into government.
” The Prime Minister has begged Australians to start thinking of each other for a change , and to consider those most in need , like Gina Rineheart .
“ If we don ’ t act sensibly , stay home , and get the economy back on track in a few months , then countless billionaires may be forced to pay tax for the first time in decades to keep the stimulus running , ” wept Morrison , “ and that is not something I want to ever see this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fact that Centrelink is on the ropes , the NBN is having to limit streaming , schools are having to beg for basic cleaning supplies , hospitals are running out of beds , and Qantas is going to have to be nationalised has shown that the Liberal Party ’ s entire platform for the last 30 years is just one big grift , Morrison said that was a completely ridiculous accusation , before running out of the room and boarding the last departing flight to Hawaii .

The party which won its last 6 elections on the promise that they would defund schools and hospitals to let everybody have more money has today acted shocked to learn that Australians tend to put their own personal interests ahead of the greater good of society.
“What has gotten into you people!?” asked Prime Minister Scott Morrison today while slashing funding to the ABC. “Can’t you see that by only thinking of yourselves you will be hurting the most marginalised people in society? God you’re acting exactly like the kinds of people that would elect us into government.”
The Prime Minister has begged Australians to start thinking of each other for a change, and to consider those most in need, like Gina Rineheart. “If we don’t act sensibly, stay home, and get the economy back on track in a few months, then countless billionaires may be forced to pay tax for the first time in decades to keep the stimulus running,” wept Morrison, “and that is not something I want to ever see this country resorting to.”
Asked whether the fact that Centrelink is on the ropes, the NBN is having to limit streaming, schools are having to beg for basic cleaning supplies, hospitals are running out of beds, and Qantas is going to have to be nationalised has shown that the Liberal Party’s entire platform for the last 30 years is just one big grift, Morrison said that was a completely ridiculous accusation, before running out of the room and boarding the last departing flight to Hawaii.


thechaser--2020-03-23--Eastern suburbs hit as cocaine dealers forced to only accept tap and go payments

Government measures have started to hit even Australia ’ s wealthiest , as new restrictions came into force , requiring drug deals to be paid only using “ tap and go ” cards .
“ From midday today cash is banned .
All cocaine transactions will be required to be paid for contactless payments , ” said the Minister for Small Business , Michaelia Cash .
“ Also , as a result , I ’ ll be changing my name to Michaelia Tap & Go.
” The new laws will hit hardest in Sydney ’ s Eastern Suburbs , which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
The new restrictions came into force after it was discovered cash is a key vector in transmission of the deadly virus .
Yesterday , a stockbroker in his twenties was diagnosed with Covid-19 which he contracted from a rolled-up $ 50 note he used to snort the drug in his workplace bathroom .
“ I know I ’ ve got the virus , but honestly , I really do feel amazing .
This stuff is the fucking best !
” Adrian Wilson told local media , while jogging briskly into an isolation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s hospital .
When asked by reporters about Wilson ’ s prognosis , Dr Simon Chen said : “ Give it an hour or so , and he ’ ll probably feel like shit.
” Local police have urged all drug users to adhere to government guidelines for the virus .
“ If you ’ re going to do drugs , do them at home , ” NSW Police Commissioner Mick Fuller said at a press conference .
“ Additionally , if you are having the drugs delivered to your home by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ensure a contactless transaction.
” “ Cocaine users are advised to use only fresh $ 50 notes where possible , and intravenous drug users are encouraged to only share needles with each other from a distance of at least four metres , ” Fuller added .

Eastern suburbs hit as cocaine dealers forced to only accept tap and go payments
Government measures have started to hit even Australia’s wealthiest, as new restrictions came into force, requiring drug deals to be paid only using “tap and go” cards.
“From midday today cash is banned. All cocaine transactions will be required to be paid for contactless payments,” said the Minister for Small Business, Michaelia Cash. “Also, as a result, I’ll be changing my name to Michaelia Tap&Go.”
The new laws will hit hardest in Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs, which is replete with cashed-up, coke-addled fuckwits.
The new restrictions came into force after it was discovered cash is a key vector in transmission of the deadly virus. Yesterday, a stockbroker in his twenties was diagnosed with Covid-19 which he contracted from a rolled-up $50 note he used to snort the drug in his workplace bathroom.
“I know I’ve got the virus, but honestly, I really do feel amazing. This stuff is the fucking best!” Adrian Wilson told local media, while jogging briskly into an isolation ward at Sydney’s St Vincent’s hospital.
When asked by reporters about Wilson’s prognosis, Dr Simon Chen said: “Give it an hour or so, and he’ll probably feel like shit.”
Local police have urged all drug users to adhere to government guidelines for the virus.
“If you’re going to do drugs, do them at home,” NSW Police Commissioner Mick Fuller said at a press conference. “Additionally, if you are having the drugs delivered to your home by your dealer, it is important to ensure a contactless transaction.”
“Cocaine users are advised to use only fresh $50 notes where possible, and intravenous drug users are encouraged to only share needles with each other from a distance of at least four metres,” Fuller added.


thechaser--2020-03-24--Government rushes to upgrade the Windows 95 box running NBN, MyGov, and Centrelink

Senior government bureaucrats have today held an emergency meeting to discuss upgrading their MyGov computer to Windows 98 , following a series of untimely crashes in recent days .
The move comes just one week after the government was forced to take drastic action but pushing the “ turbo ” button on the machine after the NBN , which is also run through the computer , began to experience serious overloading after one man accidentally tried to watch a video on YouTube in HD .
“ This is even worse than that time we tried to host the entire census @ @ @ @ @ @ @ exacerbated MP .
“ I ’ m starting to think we should maybe even buy a second floppy drive to increase its capacity.
” Asked whether it might have been a mistake to gut funding to Centrelink two years before sending a third of the Australian workforce to their doors in a single day , government minister Stuart Robert explained that they never could have predicted that a country with an economy based entirely around unaffordable housing might have one day experienced a market crash .
“ The idea that Centrelink might need @ @ @ @ @ @ @ predicted , ” explained Robert .
“ The fact that the entire system was already completely broken before all these millions of people showed up could never have alerted us to the fact that it wasn ’ t prepared for this influx.
” However , the government has hit back at any suggestions that the Dell Series 2 beige box running the entire government ’ s online presence wasn ’ t up to the job , with former Prime Minister Tony Abbott pointing out that it was one of the most advanced computers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ colours and very cutting edge ‘ windowing ’ capabilities .
“ Look , you can even play solitaire on it !
” exclaimed Abbot .
“ And I can assure you that nobody will ever need more than the 25mb of hard disk space this baby boasts .
God , back in my day you ’ d be lucky if a computer with these specs didn ’ t fill an entire room !
” UPDATE : The computer has now been replaced with a state-of-the-art punch card computer , on loan from the @ @ @

Senior government bureaucrats have today held an emergency meeting to discuss upgrading their MyGov computer to Windows 98, following a series of untimely crashes in recent days. The move comes just one week after the government was forced to take drastic action but pushing the “turbo” button on the machine after the NBN, which is also run through the computer, began to experience serious overloading after one man accidentally tried to watch a video on YouTube in HD.
“This is even worse than that time we tried to host the entire census on this computer!” cried one exasperated MP. “I’m starting to think we should maybe even buy a second floppy drive to increase its capacity.”
Asked whether it might have been a mistake to gut funding to Centrelink two years before sending a third of the Australian workforce to their doors in a single day, government minister Stuart Robert explained that they never could have predicted that a country with an economy based entirely around unaffordable housing might have one day experienced a market crash. “The idea that Centrelink might need to actually operate could never have been predicted,” explained Robert. “The fact that the entire system was already completely broken before all these millions of people showed up could never have alerted us to the fact that it wasn’t prepared for this influx.”
However, the government has hit back at any suggestions that the Dell Series 2 beige box running the entire government’s online presence wasn’t up to the job, with former Prime Minister Tony Abbott pointing out that it was one of the most advanced computers he’d encountered, with 256 colours and very cutting edge ‘windowing’ capabilities. “Look, you can even play solitaire on it!” exclaimed Abbot. “And I can assure you that nobody will ever need more than the 25mb of hard disk space this baby boasts. God, back in my day you’d be lucky if a computer with these specs didn’t fill an entire room!”
UPDATE: The computer has now been replaced with a state-of-the-art punch card computer, on loan from the Powerhouse Museum.


thechaser--2020-03-24--Millennials agree to stop going out if Boomers agree to stop pumping carbon into the atmosphere

Everybody has won today , after the various generations struck a deal that saw Millenials agree to stop the threat of all Boomers being killed if Boomers also agree to stop the threat of all Millenials and Zoomers getting wiped out by an environmental catastrophy .
“ Yea look I was a bit sceptical of scientists there for a while , ” explained local Boomer Greg Williams .
“ But now that it ’ s my own life under threat instead of some far off catastrophy expected to happen long after I ’ m dead , the stakes are much @ @ @ @ @ @ @ willing to swap my car over to an electric one if it means I ’ m not going to wind up in a hospital bed unable to breathe in three weeks.
” Asked what had changed his mind about the climate , Greg explained that it was the fact that every single person who had spoken out saying coronavirus wasn ’ t a big problem also happened to be the people saying climate change was a load of garbage , and it turns out none of them know what they ’ re talking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ heard Andrew Bolt going off about how the World Health Organisation is a bunch of idiots and we ’ re all going to be fine , I took his word for it , ” explained Greg .
“ But now all of a sudden he ’ s saying it ’ s a grave threat and scolding people for sitting on beaches .
I ’ m starting to think this guy may not be the scientific expert he claims to be.
” Asked whether they were happy with the compromise to stay inside in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ destroyed in 30 years , Millenials and Zoomers said that it was an easy compromise .
“ Yea , we grew up on the internet , so staying indoors is actually our default mode , ” explained one local zoomer Tiffany Sprout .
“ In fact the only reason we even went outside in the first place this week was to put the fear of god into our parents .
It was horrible , but sometimes you ’ ve got to play hard ball when you ’ re negotiating .
”

Everybody has won today, after the various generations struck a deal that saw Millenials agree to stop the threat of all Boomers being killed if Boomers also agree to stop the threat of all Millenials and Zoomers getting wiped out by an environmental catastrophy.
“Yea look I was a bit sceptical of scientists there for a while,” explained local Boomer Greg Williams. “But now that it’s my own life under threat instead of some far off catastrophy expected to happen long after I’m dead, the stakes are much higher. I’m more than willing to swap my car over to an electric one if it means I’m not going to wind up in a hospital bed unable to breathe in three weeks.”
Asked what had changed his mind about the climate, Greg explained that it was the fact that every single person who had spoken out saying coronavirus wasn’t a big problem also happened to be the people saying climate change was a load of garbage, and it turns out none of them know what they’re talking about. “Yea look when I heard Andrew Bolt going off about how the World Health Organisation is a bunch of idiots and we’re all going to be fine, I took his word for it,” explained Greg. “But now all of a sudden he’s saying it’s a grave threat and scolding people for sitting on beaches. I’m starting to think this guy may not be the scientific expert he claims to be.”
Asked whether they were happy with the compromise to stay inside in exchange for not having the earth completely destroyed in 30 years, Millenials and Zoomers said that it was an easy compromise. “Yea, we grew up on the internet, so staying indoors is actually our default mode,” explained one local zoomer Tiffany Sprout. “In fact the only reason we even went outside in the first place this week was to put the fear of god into our parents. It was horrible, but sometimes you’ve got to play hard ball when you’re negotiating.”


thechaser--2020-03-24--Minister apologises for failing to anticipate the popularity of free money

Government Services Minister Stuart Robert has conceded that he failed to anticipate how popular the offer of free money would be to Australian citizens , following a meltdown of the government ’ s Centrelink call centre and website .
Robert apologised to all Australians , saying it was “ my bad ” that he didn ’ t recognise the effect of offering every single person in Australia a sizeable chunk of money provided they were able to go online or call Centrelink in time .
“ Who knew that Australians want $ 750 for free ?
” Robert told reporters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scheduling the press conference in a single toilet cubicle in a rest stop on the Federal Highway .
“ I honestly didn ’ t think quite so many reporters would show up to hear me apologise , ” Roberts said , before offering those that had made the effort to attend a light meal by way of apology .
He then blamed the unavailability of the meal on a hacker attack .
A spokesperson for the minister issued a further apology when it became apparent that the food provided would not be enough @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Jesus Christ for setting a bad example when it came to under-catering an event .
“ The Son of God managed to feed hundreds of people with only five loaves of bread and a few fish , so that ’ s all we ordered , ” the minister ’ s office said in a written statement .

Government Services Minister Stuart Robert has conceded that he failed to anticipate how popular the offer of free money would be to Australian citizens, following a meltdown of the government’s Centrelink call centre and website.
Robert apologised to all Australians, saying it was “my bad” that he didn’t recognise the effect of offering every single person in Australia a sizeable chunk of money provided they were able to go online or call Centrelink in time.
“Who knew that Australians want $750 for free?” Robert told reporters in Canberra, shortly before apologising for scheduling the press conference in a single toilet cubicle in a rest stop on the Federal Highway.
“I honestly didn’t think quite so many reporters would show up to hear me apologise,” Roberts said, before offering those that had made the effort to attend a light meal by way of apology. He then blamed the unavailability of the meal on a hacker attack.
A spokesperson for the minister issued a further apology when it became apparent that the food provided would not be enough to feed the assembled media, blaming Jesus Christ for setting a bad example when it came to under-catering an event.
“The Son of God managed to feed hundreds of people with only five loaves of bread and a few fish, so that’s all we ordered,” the minister’s office said in a written statement.


thechaser--2020-03-24--Morrison issues crystal clear guidance: “Stay at home except for the following 500 different things”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison made a statement to the nation late last night to make sure everyone was as confused as possible as the virus takes grip across the country .
“ Don ’ t congregate in groups of more than five people , ” he instructed Australians , “ unless you ’ re at school in which case you should gather in groups of more than five people.
” “ Don ’ t go outside unless you want to go out for a walk or jog .
Don ’ t go to the shops unless you need to go @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s sake , stay 1.5 metres away from people , ” he angrily chided the nation , “ unless you need your hair done , in which case you can stay long enough to get half a haircut.
” “ In short , Australians must not go out of their homes unless they have a reason to go out ” , Mr Morrison said .
An angry Mr Morrison blamed people for being confused .
“ I can ’ t be more crystal clear about this : don ’ t go out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the kids to school , have half a haircut , go to work , or line up at Centrelink or do anything else .
I don ’ t understand why Australians are confused .
”

Morrison issues crystal clear guidance: “Stay at home except for the following 500 different things”
Prime Minister Scott Morrison made a statement to the nation late last night to make sure everyone was as confused as possible as the virus takes grip across the country.
“Don’t congregate in groups of more than five people,” he instructed Australians, “unless you’re at school in which case you should gather in groups of more than five people.”
“Don’t go outside unless you want to go out for a walk or jog. Don’t go to the shops unless you need to go to the shops.”
“For God’s sake, stay 1.5 metres away from people,” he angrily chided the nation, “unless you need your hair done, in which case you can stay long enough to get half a haircut.”
“In short, Australians must not go out of their homes unless they have a reason to go out”, Mr Morrison said.
An angry Mr Morrison blamed people for being confused. “I can’t be more crystal clear about this: don’t go out unless you need to exercise, take the kids to school, have half a haircut, go to work, or line up at Centrelink or do anything else. I don’t understand why Australians are confused.”


thechaser--2020-03-25--Prince Charles to immediately stop eating pangolin for breakfast

The palace has acted swiftly following news that Prince Charles has tested positive to Covid-19 .
In a statement to @ @ @ @ @ henceforth pangolins would not be served at breakfast until the outbreak had been contained .
@ @ @ @ @ White Rhino would be substituted for the time being .
Following the news about her @ @ @ @ @ the throne , The Queen is said to be very worried and most upset at @ @ @ @ @ .
News of Prince Charles ’ s diagnosis has come as a shock to royal @ @ @ @ @ job is literally to shake people ’ s hands .
The Prince has set up @ @ @ @ @ cover his medical bills .
“ It ’ s not that I can ’ t @ @ @ @ @ wrote on the page , “ It ’ s just that I ’ m used @ @ @ @ @ everything in my life .
”

The palace has acted swiftly following news that Prince Charles has tested positive to Covid-19.
In a statement to the press it said that henceforth pangolins would not be served at breakfast until the outbreak had been contained. The meat of the Southern White Rhino would be substituted for the time being.
Following the news about her eldest son and heir to the throne, The Queen is said to be very worried and most upset at the change to the menu.
News of Prince Charles’s diagnosis has come as a shock to royal observers even though his entire job is literally to shake people’s hands.
The Prince has set up a GoFundMe page to help cover his medical bills. “It’s not that I can’t afford them,” he wrote on the page, “It’s just that I’m used to other people paying for everything in my life.”


thechaser--2020-03-25--Nation’s wedding planners surprised by the number of bootcamp themed receptions

The nation ’ s wedding planners have today expressed surprise at the number of bootcamp themed weddings taking place across the country , as well as the sudden surge of requests that they be held in a Kmart .
“ Yea , last year was all about pastels and instagrammable vine backdrops , but I must admit this trends taken me a bit by surprise , ” explained wedding planner Moira Kennedy .
“ I can ’ t say I think of love and devotion when I think of Kmart , but I guess we can save on decorations by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ live , laugh , love ’ aisle.
” The nation ’ s funeral planners have also reportedly been inundated with requests to theme their funerals , with packages themed around Barre classes rushing off the shelves .
“ It ’ s all a bit odd , ” explained one confused undertaker today .
“ Normally we only sell two maybe three barbershop themed wakes a month , now they ’ re our top seller ?
And don ’ t even get me started on all the people snapping up our masseuse themed packages @ @

The nation’s wedding planners have today expressed surprise at the number of bootcamp themed weddings taking place across the country, as well as the sudden surge of requests that they be held in a Kmart.
“Yea, last year was all about pastels and instagrammable vine backdrops, but I must admit this trends taken me a bit by surprise,” explained wedding planner Moira Kennedy. “I can’t say I think of love and devotion when I think of Kmart, but I guess we can save on decorations by just holding the ceremony in the ‘live, laugh, love’ aisle.”
The nation’s funeral planners have also reportedly been inundated with requests to theme their funerals, with packages themed around Barre classes rushing off the shelves. “It’s all a bit odd,” explained one confused undertaker today. “Normally we only sell two maybe three barbershop themed wakes a month, now they’re our top seller? And don’t even get me started on all the people snapping up our masseuse themed packages.”


thechaser--2020-03-25--Government sends out 36 million SMS messages, massively exceeding limit on its $40 Optus plan

The government has massively exceeded the number of SMS messages it is allowed to send on its $ 40 Optus Mobile prepaid phone plan after it sent out 36 million text messages about the coronavirus .
The text message to all Australians , instructed them to start washing their hands seven weeks ago .
A spokesperson for the Government said that Optus had suspended its service until added more credit to its account .
The SMS blast is the latest salvo in its strategy against the virus .
Experts say the strategy is a brilliant way to tell people what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ago .
The SMS also instructed people to stay 1.5 metres away from each other .
An insider said that the original draft of the SMS included all 500 exceptions to that rule that was outlined by the Prime Minister last night , but the government had already run out of enough SMS credits , and the excess usage charges were killing them .
An insider said that once they worked out how to get their mobile phone back up and running , they were planning to send out an SMS shortly to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cricket seven weeks ago .

The government has massively exceeded the number of SMS messages it is allowed to send on its $40 Optus Mobile prepaid phone plan after it sent out 36 million text messages about the coronavirus.
The text message to all Australians, instructed them to start washing their hands seven weeks ago.
A spokesperson for the Government said that Optus had suspended its service until added more credit to its account.
The SMS blast is the latest salvo in its strategy against the virus. Experts say the strategy is a brilliant way to tell people what they should have been doing seven weeks ago.
The SMS also instructed people to stay 1.5 metres away from each other. An insider said that the original draft of the SMS included all 500 exceptions to that rule that was outlined by the Prime Minister last night, but the government had already run out of enough SMS credits, and the excess usage charges were killing them.
An insider said that once they worked out how to get their mobile phone back up and running, they were planning to send out an SMS shortly to update people about what happened in the cricket seven weeks ago.


thechaser--2020-03-25--Parliament to close for five months so Morrison can take a well-earned break

The Prime Minister has unveiled a new parliamentary sitting calendar , which won ’ t see parliament meet again until @ @ @ @ @ will allow Scott Morrison to take a well-earned break , after a gruelling few weeks @ @ @ @ @ at the beginning of the year .
“ You can ’ t imagine how much @ @ @ @ @ doing , ” he told a room full exhausted journalists , medical professionals and public @ @ @ @ @ been working around the clock .
“ I ’ m whacked .
I really need @ @ @ @ @ ” “ The parliament met for a couple of days this week , and in @ @ @ @ @ 66 billion worth of stuff to deal with the crisis , so I feel like @ @ @ @ @ done the next five months of work anyway , ” he said as he put @ @ @ @ @ picked up in Hawaii over summer .
“ I can ’ t imagine anything more @ @ @ @ @ that would need parliament .
See ya !
”

The Prime Minister has unveiled a new parliamentary sitting calendar, which won’t see parliament meet again until August. The new schedule will allow Scott Morrison to take a well-earned break, after a gruelling few weeks back since his last holiday at the beginning of the year.
“You can’t imagine how much work I’ve been doing,” he told a room full exhausted journalists, medical professionals and public servants who’ve all been working around the clock. “I’m whacked. I really need a bit of me time.”
“The parliament met for a couple of days this week, and in that time we passed $66 billion worth of stuff to deal with the crisis, so I feel like I’ve pretty much done the next five months of work anyway,” he said as he put on his favourite shirt he picked up in Hawaii over summer. “I can’t imagine anything more happening between now and August that would need parliament. See ya!”


thechaser--2020-03-26--Oxford dictionary redefines 1.5m to ‘right next to each other’ citing popular use

The Oxford English Dictionary has today released a new definition of the term “ 1.5 meters ” after learning the @ @ @ @ @ common usage .
Traditionally meaning 150cm , or ‘ far away ’ the dictionary has @ @ @ @ @ colloquial use of the term to mean ‘ right next to each other ’ .
@ @ @ @ @ am standing 1.5m away from everyone in the queue at the airport as I breathe @ @ @ @ @ “ I am walking 1.5m behind the person pushed up against me at the traffic @ @ @ @ @ hot on the heels of other recent changes including the update of “ staying home @ @ @ @ @ the beach ” and “ social distancing ” to mean “ getting a haircut ” @ @ @ @ @ considering including a new definition for the term

The Oxford English Dictionary has today released a new definition of the term “1.5 meters” after learning the existing definition does not match common usage. Traditionally meaning 150cm, or ‘far away’ the dictionary has now recognised the more common colloquial use of the term to mean ‘right next to each other’.
Examples cited include “I am standing 1.5m away from everyone in the queue at the airport as I breathe down their neck” or “I am walking 1.5m behind the person pushed up against me at the traffic lights.”
The redefinition comes hot on the heels of other recent changes including the update of “staying home” to mean “down the beach” and “social distancing” to mean “getting a haircut”. The dictionary is also considering including a new definition for the term


thechaser--2020-03-26--Byron Bay local astral projects himself 1.5 meters away

A Byron Bay man has confirmed he is social distancing purely through the power of his mind .
Investment manager turned woodworker River Sand ( formerly Grogan Klemp ) said that he does not need to be physically separate from his partner as he can simply ‘ astral project ’ himself slightly further down the sofa .
Astral projection is the practice of travelling outside one ’ s physical body to another location , real or fantasy , and is popular among followers of new age medicine .
It is also known as ‘ pretending ’ .
Sand said “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have been preparing for .
Despite the high transmission rate of the novel coronavirus there is no need for us to be apart as we can simply astral project ourselves a bit further away .
It ’ s very effective , just like homeopathy .
For example , I could probably even put my staff right into her yoni as long as I imagined I was having a walk on the beach at the same time.
” Asked what will happen if either contract COVID-19 , Sand replied “ Luckily we ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ before I moved up here , plus her Instagram money , so we ’ ll just go to a private hospital on the North Shore and wait it out .
”

A Byron Bay man has confirmed he is social distancing purely through the power of his mind. Investment manager turned woodworker River Sand (formerly Grogan Klemp) said that he does not need to be physically separate from his partner as he can simply ‘astral project’ himself slightly further down the sofa.
Astral projection is the practice of travelling outside one’s physical body to another location, real or fantasy, and is popular among followers of new age medicine. It is also known as ‘pretending’.
Sand said “This situation is what Sylvania and I have been preparing for. Despite the high transmission rate of the novel coronavirus there is no need for us to be apart as we can simply astral project ourselves a bit further away. It’s very effective, just like homeopathy. For example, I could probably even put my staff right into her yoni as long as I imagined I was having a walk on the beach at the same time.”
Asked what will happen if either contract COVID-19, Sand replied “Luckily we’ve got the shitload of cash I made before I moved up here, plus her Instagram money, so we’ll just go to a private hospital on the North Shore and wait it out.”


thechaser--2020-03-26--Quarantine extended by 2 weeks to allow everyone to grow out their DIY haircuts

Leaders across the world have announced this week that all quarantine restrictions will be left in place for an extra @ @ @ @ @ to grow out that awkward fringe .
“ It is vitally important that , for @ @ @ @ @ people are given the time to recover , ” announced New Zealand ’ s Prime @ @ @ @ @ baseball hat .
“ We have all suffered enough without having to make the walk @ @ @ @ @ while sporting a bowlcut or with one side of the head shaved far too high.
@ @ @ @ @ is facing such issues , with forward thinking Australian leaders classifying hairdressers as an essential @ @ @ @ @ they keep a 4m distance from their clients .
“ Yes , we ’ re @ @ @ @ @ ” explained local barber Robert as he sharpened his hedge trimmers .
“ Admittedly we @ @ @ @ @ clients so far , but I think I ’ ve finally got a hang of @ @ @ @ @ off the whole ear in the process .
”

Leaders across the world have announced this week that all quarantine restrictions will be left in place for an extra two weeks to allow everyone to grow out that awkward fringe.
“It is vitally important that, for our own citizens sake, people are given the time to recover,” announced New Zealand’s Prime Minister today while wearing a baseball hat. “We have all suffered enough without having to make the walk of shame to the shops while sporting a bowlcut or with one side of the head shaved far too high.”
However, not everyone is facing such issues, with forward thinking Australian leaders classifying hairdressers as an essential service, as long as they keep a 4m distance from their clients. “Yes, we’re actually busier than normal,” explained local barber Robert as he sharpened his hedge trimmers. “Admittedly we’ve lost a few clients so far, but I think I’ve finally got a hang of trimming the sides without taking off the whole ear in the process.”


thechaser--2020-04-16--Turnbull releases book without any spine

Malcolm Turnbull has released a book about his time in politics without any spine .
The memoir will have a front and back cover , pages on the inside , and a floppy void where the spine should be .
The book , which is only held together with a thin piece of self-belief , falls apart remarkably quickly , critics noted .
“ It ’ s totally useless.
” The decision to proceed with producing an entire book about his time as Prime Minister without any spine has baffled some observers .
“ What was the point of that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ why you wouldn ’ t have a spine.
” In the book , Turnbull talks at great length about how he wanted to do something about climate change but didn ’ t .
Mr Turnbull encouraged everyone to buy the book , pointing out that each book comes with a free knife firmly planted in the back cover .
Commenting on the decision to release the book without a spine Turnbull said “ Look , I ’ m not going to say whether it ’ s good or bad .
You ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if you want to .
It wasn ’ t really my decision anyway .
It was Mathias Cormann who ultimately made the decision.
” Readers are advised to prop the book up on a stack of unremarkable policies and crowd- pleasing soundbites to get through it .
Some supporters of Mr Turnbull say that the book will eventually grow a spine just as long as you wait long enough .
Mr Turnbull was contacted by email for comment but he ’ s still waiting for the email to arrive on his NBN connection @

Malcolm Turnbull has released a book about his time in politics without any spine.
The memoir will have a front and back cover, pages on the inside, and a floppy void where the spine should be. The book, which is only held together with a thin piece of self-belief, falls apart remarkably quickly, critics noted. “It’s totally useless.”
The decision to proceed with producing an entire book about his time as Prime Minister without any spine has baffled some observers. “What was the point of that? I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t have a spine.”
In the book, Turnbull talks at great length about how he wanted to do something about climate change but didn’t.
Mr Turnbull encouraged everyone to buy the book, pointing out that each book comes with a free knife firmly planted in the back cover.
Commenting on the decision to release the book without a spine Turnbull said “Look, I’m not going to say whether it’s good or bad. You’ll have to decide yourself. But only if you want to. It wasn’t really my decision anyway. It was Mathias Cormann who ultimately made the decision.”
Readers are advised to prop the book up on a stack of unremarkable policies and crowd-
pleasing soundbites to get through it.
Some supporters of Mr Turnbull say that the book will eventually grow a spine just as long as you wait long enough.
Mr Turnbull was contacted by email for comment but he’s still waiting for the email to arrive on his NBN connection.


thechaser--2020-04-17--Parents now limiting screen time to one hour per hour

A study has shown that parents are limiting the screen time for their kids to just one hour every 60 minutes .
The move comes after official government guidelines were updated to recommend that parents “ do whatever it takes to keep the little fuckers quiet ” .
Developmental psychologist Yvette Betts said it was still important to have breaks from computer screens .
Betts said “ Although one hour per hour is now the accepted norm it is still important to make sure children do not have more than eight consecutive hours of computer screens.
” “ That ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with an hour of television , iPad or Xbox at least once a day.
” The findings coincide with the release of financial figures from Epic Games , the makers of Fortnite , who have reported revenues of $ 250 trillion since the pandemic began .
The IMF are in talks with the World Bank about making V-Bucks the official global reserve currency .
Mother of two Amy Newcombe said “ When I used to pay a Montessori day care to look after Julius and Aurelia I limited screen time to fifteen minutes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Now I have to look after them myself I ’ ve moved to a strict one hour per hour , and no Tarantino or Scorsese , except on weekends .
And Fridays .
”

A study has shown that parents are limiting the screen time for their kids to just one hour every 60 minutes. The move comes after official government guidelines were updated to recommend that parents “do whatever it takes to keep the little fuckers quiet”.
Developmental psychologist Yvette Betts said it was still important to have breaks from computer screens. Betts said “Although one hour per hour is now the accepted norm it is still important to make sure children do not have more than eight consecutive hours of computer screens.”
“That’s why we recommend mixing it up with an hour of television, iPad or Xbox at least once a day.”
The findings coincide with the release of financial figures from Epic Games, the makers of Fortnite, who have reported revenues of $250 trillion since the pandemic began. The IMF are in talks with the World Bank about making V-Bucks the official global reserve currency.
Mother of two Amy Newcombe said “When I used to pay a Montessori day care to look after Julius and Aurelia I limited screen time to fifteen minutes of Mandarin for Toddlers per week. Now I have to look after them myself I’ve moved to a strict one hour per hour, and no Tarantino or Scorsese, except on weekends. And Fridays.”


Virgin fucked

After 20 years of being the airline that you fly if you have to pay for it yourself , Virgin has finally been fucked .
A spokesperson said the company , being Virgin , didn ’ t know to use protection against a virus .
That , and an enormous , throbbing pile of corporate debt , proved too much in the end It is not known what will happen to unused frequent flyer points , but holders have been advised to redeem what they can from the Velocity Website while they can .
Remaining options include a gift voucher @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to Virgin Gyms .
The imminent collapse comes despite a bidding war between Queensland and NSW to keep Virgin from not being fucked .
Both states were prepared to spend hundreds of millions of tax dollars to keep a company operating that for twenty years has funneled its profits to Bermuda to avoid paying tax in Australia .
Bermuda did not offer any support .
The collapse of Virgin leaves Australia with , effectively , only one international airline to be able to take money from the government and then still lay off @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t know if we ’ re going to be able to cope with all the hand outs , ” said CEO Alan Joyce as he counted a thick wad of crisp $ 100 notes .
Brand strategist Ivan Coat said “ It beggars belief that Richard Branson would name his company ‘ Virgin ’ when it leaves the door open to an inevitable headline like this one.
” “ I only hope that he ’ s able to console himself from one of his private islands .
I ’ m sure staff @ @ @ @ @ @ @ make one of his trademark personal visits at this time .
”

After 20 years of being the airline that you fly if you have to pay for it yourself, Virgin has finally been fucked. A spokesperson said the company, being Virgin, didn’t know to use protection against a virus. That, and an enormous, throbbing pile of corporate debt, proved too much in the end
It is not known what will happen to unused frequent flyer points, but holders have been advised to redeem what they can from the Velocity Website while they can. Remaining options include a gift voucher for Carnival Cruises or a three-month membership to Virgin Gyms.
The imminent collapse comes despite a bidding war between Queensland and NSW to keep Virgin from not being fucked. Both states were prepared to spend hundreds of millions of tax dollars to keep a company operating that for twenty years has funneled its profits to Bermuda to avoid paying tax in Australia. Bermuda did not offer any support.
The collapse of Virgin leaves Australia with, effectively, only one international airline to be able to take money from the government and then still lay off all its workers. “I don’t know if we’re going to be able to cope with all the hand outs,” said CEO Alan Joyce as he counted a thick wad of crisp $100 notes.
Brand strategist Ivan Coat said “It beggars belief that Richard Branson would name his company ‘Virgin’ when it leaves the door open to an inevitable headline like this one.”
“I only hope that he’s able to console himself from one of his private islands. I’m sure staff will understand that he is unable to make one of his trademark personal visits at this time.”


thechaser--2020-04-20--‘Arts degree not so useless now’ says shelf stacker who still has a job

Local man Wilf Berry has given a big middle finger to everyone who mocked his Art History degree this week , after his five year doctorate paid off in spades with stable employment as a Woolworths shelf packer .
Wilf has held the position since finishing the qualification at University of New South Wales in 2006 and has endured fourteen years of smug comments , until now .
Berry is reportedly lording it over peers whose consultancy work had dried up , and family members previously earning six figures from lucrative house flipping which has now gone belly up .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ one of three worldwide art historians but settled for a position replenishing groceries in his hometown supermarket – and it paid off big time .
“ My family used to laugh at me between driving me to places and lending me money , ” Berry said , holding up his graduation certificate , “ but now this thing ’ s paying for itself .
I ’ m smashing the overtime and the job ’ s more secure than ever.
” “ How ’ d you like your online real estate degree now , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Eighty bucks an hour to photoshop blue sky into photos of dilapidated houses is a distant memory , is it ?
You can ’ t eat a jetski , ya prick , can you.
” “ People said Art History would never get me anywhere but all it took was the emergence of a global pandemic .
Suck it stock traders , if anyone wants me I ’ ll be eating smashed avo in my Beemer .
”

Local man Wilf Berry has given a big middle finger to everyone who mocked his Art History degree this week, after his five year doctorate paid off in spades with stable employment as a Woolworths shelf packer. Wilf has held the position since finishing the qualification at University of New South Wales in 2006 and has endured fourteen years of smug comments, until now.
Berry is reportedly lording it over peers whose consultancy work had dried up, and family members previously earning six figures from lucrative house flipping which has now gone belly up. The 39-year-old had originally planned to become one of three worldwide art historians but settled for a position replenishing groceries in his hometown supermarket – and it paid off big time.
“My family used to laugh at me between driving me to places and lending me money,” Berry said, holding up his graduation certificate, “but now this thing’s paying for itself. I’m smashing the overtime and the job’s more secure than ever.”
“How’d you like your online real estate degree now, Trent?” Berry continued. “Eighty bucks an hour to photoshop blue sky into photos of dilapidated houses is a distant memory, is it? You can’t eat a jetski, ya prick, can you.”
“People said Art History would never get me anywhere but all it took was the emergence of a global pandemic. Suck it stock traders, if anyone wants me I’ll be eating smashed avo in my Beemer.”


thechaser--2020-04-21--Tiger Air customer reminisces about all the flights he accidentally caught to Avalon rather than Tul

A former Tiger Airlines customer has spent the afternoon reminiscing about all the flights that got cancelled on him at @ @ @ @ @ explanation .
“ Remember when we wanted to see the Foo Fighters in Brisbane , @ @ @ @ @ Tiger Airlines cancelled the flight , ” said Andrew Jones to his wife .
“ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ And what about your sister ’ s wedding that we almost got to @ @ @ @ @ hadn ’ t been delayed without explanation for four hours.
” The trip down memory @ @ @ @ @ ’ s holding company , Virgin Australia , fell into voluntary administration this morning .
@ @ @ @ @ miss most about Tiger Air ’ s disappearance , the customer said that he would @ @ @ @ @ , but he ’ d most miss landing in Avalon when he thought he was @ @ @ @

Tiger Air customer reminisces about all the flights he accidentally caught to Avalon rather than Tullamarine
A former Tiger Airlines customer has spent the afternoon reminiscing about all the flights that got cancelled on him at the last minute without any explanation.
“Remember when we wanted to see the Foo Fighters in Brisbane, and we missed it because Tiger Airlines cancelled the flight,” said Andrew Jones to his wife. “That would have been awesome.”
“And what about your sister’s wedding that we almost got to? If only the flight hadn’t been delayed without explanation for four hours.”
The trip down memory lane comes after Tiger Air’s holding company, Virgin Australia, fell into voluntary administration this morning.
When asked what he will miss most about Tiger Air’s disappearance, the customer said that he would miss the excess baggage fees, but he’d most miss landing in Avalon when he thought he was going to Tullamarine.


thechaser--2020-04-21--Miracle! Kim Jong Un takes over from surgeon during heart operation and saves himself!

Kim Jong Un has survived open heart surgery and is recovering well , after he intervened half way through the operation , according to North Korean state media .
The North Korean Fox News Network said the minor surgery ( a triple by-pass ) ran into troubles half way through , but sensing there was a problem , Kim Jong Un heroically woke himself up from his general anaesthetic , and then proceeded to perform open heart surgery on himself , thus saving his own life .
While not formally trained as a heart surgeon , the North Korean leader @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the news agency noted .
The North Korean leader is recuperating well , and a few hours after the surgery , he got up and ran in a marathon to commemorate war heroes .
The President has been holding daily press conferences about the coronavirus that sometimes run two hours long .
In it , he often plays videos to the assembled media that demonstrate how perfect his administration has been .
If anyone dares to ask him a question that he dislikes , they are punished and sometimes banished .
He has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ problems facing his country , and has says that the job he has done so far has been “ perfect ” .
Kim Jong Un has also had a similar approach .

Kim Jong Un has survived open heart surgery and is recovering well, after he intervened half way through the operation, according to North Korean state media.
The North Korean Fox News Network said the minor surgery (a triple by-pass) ran into troubles half way through, but sensing there was a problem, Kim Jong Un heroically woke himself up from his general anaesthetic, and then proceeded to perform open heart surgery on himself, thus saving his own life.
While not formally trained as a heart surgeon, the North Korean leader, is naturally gifted at everything, the news agency noted.
The North Korean leader is recuperating well, and a few hours after the surgery, he got up and ran in a marathon to commemorate war heroes.
The President has been holding daily press conferences about the coronavirus that sometimes run two hours long. In it, he often plays videos to the assembled media that demonstrate how perfect his administration has been. If anyone dares to ask him a question that he dislikes, they are punished and sometimes banished. He has blamed opponents and other countries for the problems facing his country, and has says that the job he has done so far has been “perfect”. Kim Jong Un has also had a similar approach.


thechaser--2020-04-21--Crisis hits News Corp: Murdoch may need to lay off some Coalition MPs

The economic impact of the coronavirus has hit Rupert Murdoch ’ s media empire , leading it to consider laying off some Coalition MPs and perhaps even selling off some of the MPs it owns .
Plummeting advertising revenue at its mastheads and a drop in Foxtel subscribers , has led News Corp into a “ perfect storm ” which analysts say mean it may be forced to lay off some coalition MPs within weeks .
Already many coalition MPs have been working for Murdoch without pay .
Reports say even Mitch Fifield has been “ working from home ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been seen at the News Corp headquarters for months .
A spokesperson for Mr Murdoch , Scott Morrison , denied reports that Murdoch was in trouble .
“ We ’ ve already announced $ 50m in targeted support for Murdoch-owned mastheads , and if things get desperate Government can always shovel them another $ 30m for all the women ’ s sport they ’ re not broadcasting on Foxtel , ” he sniggered .
In his newly released memoir , Malcolm Turnbull blamed Rupert Murdoch for his ousting , claiming that The Australian @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the coup against him , by encouraging Tony Abbott to believe he could win a ballot .
But the spokesperson said that Mr Murdoch owned far too many Coalition MPs for it to be blamed on just one person .
He denied Murdoch was considering selling any of the Coalition MPs it owns .
“ In this environment , you couldn ’ t sell them at any price .
”

The economic impact of the coronavirus has hit Rupert Murdoch’s media empire, leading it to consider laying off some Coalition MPs and perhaps even selling off some of the MPs it owns.
Plummeting advertising revenue at its mastheads and a drop in Foxtel subscribers, has led News Corp into a “perfect storm” which analysts say mean it may be forced to lay off some coalition MPs within weeks.
Already many coalition MPs have been working for Murdoch without pay. Reports say even Mitch Fifield has been “working from home” for Mr Murdoch, and had not been seen at the News Corp headquarters for months.
A spokesperson for Mr Murdoch, Scott Morrison, denied reports that Murdoch was in trouble. “We’ve already announced $50m in targeted support for Murdoch-owned mastheads, and if things get desperate Government can always shovel them another $30m for all the women’s sport they’re not broadcasting on Foxtel,” he sniggered.
In his newly released memoir, Malcolm Turnbull blamed Rupert Murdoch for his ousting, claiming that The Australian’s editor Paul Whitaker was pivotal in the coup against him, by encouraging Tony Abbott to believe he could win a ballot. But the spokesperson said that Mr Murdoch owned far too many Coalition MPs for it to be blamed on just one person.
He denied Murdoch was considering selling any of the Coalition MPs it owns. “In this environment, you couldn’t sell them at any price.”


thechaser--2020-04-22--China questions whether Peter Dutton originated in a lab

China has questioned whether the Minister for Home Affairs originally escaped from a laboratory .
President Xi raised concerns during a press conference .
“ While it is possible that Peter Dutton was conceived from procreation between two normal human beings , ” he said , “ further investigation is justified.
” “ The Australian Government ’ s insistence that this ghoulish , sallow man was naturally introduced to the world has a lot of holes .
A zoonotic origin – perhaps a bat or a potato – seems more plausible .
People so perfectly cadaverous are not just born @ @ @ @ @ @ @ far too convenient that Peter Dutton has perfectly adapted to the position he is in after attaching himself to his newest host .
God forbid he mutates , ” warned the Chinese President .
President Xi called upon Australia to open up its laboratories for international inspection to rule out the possibility that Peter Dutton was brought to life as some sort of hideous genetic experiment gone wrong .
“ Just look at him for fuck ’ s sakes .
He looks like a dirty old plate.
” The President called on Australia @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sort of off-shore detention facility , until the matter can be worked out in 5-7 years ’ time .

China has questioned whether the Minister for Home Affairs originally escaped from a laboratory. President Xi raised concerns during a press conference.
“While it is possible that Peter Dutton was conceived from procreation between two normal human beings,” he said, “further investigation is justified.”
“The Australian Government’s insistence that this ghoulish, sallow man was naturally introduced to the world has a lot of holes. A zoonotic origin – perhaps a bat or a potato – seems more plausible. People so perfectly cadaverous are not just born in normal conditions.”
“It seems far too convenient that Peter Dutton has perfectly adapted to the position he is in after attaching himself to his newest host. God forbid he mutates,” warned the Chinese President.
President Xi called upon Australia to open up its laboratories for international inspection to rule out the possibility that Peter Dutton was brought to life as some sort of hideous genetic experiment gone wrong. “Just look at him for fuck’s sakes. He looks like a dirty old plate.”
The President called on Australia to lock Peter Dutton up in some sort of off-shore detention facility, until the matter can be worked out in 5-7 years’ time.