thechaser--2020-07-16--Government back in surplus after CovidSafe introduces loot boxes

The Australian government has today announced an update to the controversial CovidSafe app , hoping to address criticisms with the addition of loot boxes and other microtransactions .
Speaking in a press conference today , Health Minister Greg Hunt explained that the new app will be a great revenue spinner for the cash strapped government .
“ When you open the updated app , you will see a pop-up prompting you to buy ScomoBucks .
You can get 200 ScomoBucks for $ 4.99 , 1000 ScomoBucks for $ 9.99 , and 3500 ScomoBucks for the very low price of $ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when your local pub has a Covid outbreak ?
For 3700 ScomoBucks , you can download the CovidSafer expansion pack , which will patch your app so it actually functions .
Mostly .
And if you ’ re getting bored while stuck in yet another lockdown , you can spend your ScomoBucks in the brand new CovidSafe Online Gaming Room , a joint initiative of the federal government and Clubs Australia.
” Mr. Hunt was quick to assure reporters that the app would still function normally if users do not spend any money @ @ @ @ @ @ @ some occasional cooldown periods where the app stops doing anything , but , hey , that ’ s basically how it works already .
”

The Australian government has today announced an update to the controversial CovidSafe app, hoping to address criticisms with the addition of loot boxes and other microtransactions.
Speaking in a press conference today, Health Minister Greg Hunt explained that the new app will be a great revenue spinner for the cash strapped government. “When you open the updated app, you will see a pop-up prompting you to buy ScomoBucks. You can get 200 ScomoBucks for $4.99, 1000 ScomoBucks for $9.99, and 3500 ScomoBucks for the very low price of $19.99. Frustrated about not being informed when your local pub has a Covid outbreak? For 3700 ScomoBucks, you can download the CovidSafer expansion pack, which will patch your app so it actually functions. Mostly. And if you’re getting bored while stuck in yet another lockdown, you can spend your ScomoBucks in the brand new CovidSafe Online Gaming Room, a joint initiative of the federal government and Clubs Australia.”
Mr. Hunt was quick to assure reporters that the app would still function normally if users do not spend any money. “Sure, there will be some occasional cooldown periods where the app stops doing anything, but, hey, that’s basically how it works already.”


thechaser--2020-07-16--KFC customer unsure if diarrhea is Covid-19 or just the chicken

As the Coronavirus pushes into a second wave after we seemingly farewelled the virus in the same way John Farnum farewells the music industry , many local customers of international fast-food chain KFC have become concerned of the media coverage of people still purchasing it despite the pandemic .
This means when they also buy it they could get sick to ‘ no fault of their own ’ , well of course , on top of the already existing risks associated with eating from KFC .
“ They say it ’ s finger licking good , but that sounds like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” said James , a local customer .
“ I am here because I am hungry , but look how many people are out here .
Don ’ t they know there is a virus going around ?
Also , why are none of these people wearing a mask , it ’ s unhygienic .
Me , I don ’ t need one though , it ’ s not like I live in America.
” We spoke to James the next day and he seemed even more concerned than before , “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s going on , is this what it feels like to die ?
Was it the chicken or the virus ?
The uncertainty is driving me crazy , I mean that and my stomach , but mainly the uncertainty .
My girlfriend thinks I am being over-dramatic , she says I ’ m a hypochondriac but surely , I can ’ t be because then anytime I get scared about being sick I would think I was suffering from hypochondria .
I wish I didn ’ t eat the chicken , I just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pink , everyone else seems to know but I always just guess that it will be fine but what if it was too pink ?
” Asked for comment , health authorities say that John is almost certainly going to die .
“ We already don ’ t recommend eating KFC or any other unhealthy fast food and just like with coronavirus you didn ’ t listen to us then either , so you know what screw it , eat all the unhealthy food you want .
At least that way you will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t be able to spread Covid anymore .
”

As the Coronavirus pushes into a second wave after we seemingly farewelled the virus in the same way John Farnum farewells the music industry, many local customers of international fast-food chain KFC have become concerned of the media coverage of people still purchasing it despite the pandemic. This means when they also buy it they could get sick to ‘no fault of their own’, well of course, on top of the already existing risks associated with eating from KFC.
“They say it’s finger licking good, but that sounds like a sure-fire way to spread the disease,” said James, a local customer. “I am here because I am hungry, but look how many people are out here. Don’t they know there is a virus going around? Also, why are none of these people wearing a mask, it’s unhygienic. Me, I don’t need one though, it’s not like I live in America.”
We spoke to James the next day and he seemed even more concerned than before, “I don’t know what’s going on, is this what it feels like to die? Was it the chicken or the virus? The uncertainty is driving me crazy, I mean that and my stomach, but mainly the uncertainty. My girlfriend thinks I am being over-dramatic, she says I’m a hypochondriac but surely, I can’t be because then anytime I get scared about being sick I would think I was suffering from hypochondria. I wish I didn’t eat the chicken, I just wish I knew how pink is too pink, everyone else seems to know but I always just guess that it will be fine but what if it was too pink?”
Asked for comment, health authorities say that John is almost certainly going to die. “We already don’t recommend eating KFC or any other unhealthy fast food and just like with coronavirus you didn’t listen to us then either, so you know what screw it, eat all the unhealthy food you want. At least that way you will be stuck in your bathrooms and won’t be able to spread Covid anymore.”


thechaser--2020-07-17--The Chaser Report – Ep 14 – Is this podcast cake?

The Chaser Report – Ep 14 – Is this podcast cake?
More Stories
Ben Roberts-Smith resigns from Channel 7 to spend more time with his war crimes
Ben Roberts-Smith drowns sorrows with a traditional leggy
Ben Roberts-Smith cheers self up following court loss by kicking a farmer off a cliff
Mark McGowan announced as new host of Sunrise
Kochie leaves Sunrise to focus on his passion for selling crypto on Facebook
AFP hires PwC to investigate PwC scandal


thechaser--2020-07-17--“I am being silenced!” claims most published woman alive

Globally famous billionaire , author and Hollywood producer Joanne “ JK ” Rowling has this week complained about how she is being silenced , after someone on twitter told her she was wrong about something .
“ Welcome back to Stalinist Russia , ” wrote JK Rowling in an open letter read by millions .
“ I guess now my views are going to be suppressed to my best selling books , my millions of twitter followers , my movies , stage-plays , newspaper articles , and the occasional TV interview.
” Asked how exactly she was being silenced by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ explained that other people expressing their opinions is against free speech .
“ When I say something that should be just accepted and not interrogated in any way , ” explained JK .
“ I ’ m sorry if you don ’ t accept that then you should be banned from all public discourse.
” “ I mean , come on , don ’ t these people know that they are oppressing me by criticising me ?
” continued JK .
“ What is the world coming to where a billionaire can ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ someone on the internet telling her she ’ s wrong ?
God , I wish I had some kind of an outlet to vent about this , but alas I am but a mere world famous author , so my opinions will never get published.
” “ Anyway , I have to go , I ’ ve got a lunch appointment with The Queen of 16 different countries , ” explained JK .
“ then I ’ ve got to talk to 3 different journalists about how my views are no longer being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
It sure is a busy life being cancelled .
”

Globally famous billionaire, author and Hollywood producer Joanne “JK” Rowling has this week complained about how she is being silenced, after someone on twitter told her she was wrong about something. “Welcome back to Stalinist Russia,” wrote JK Rowling in an open letter read by millions. “I guess now my views are going to be suppressed to my best selling books, my millions of twitter followers, my movies, stage-plays, newspaper articles, and the occasional TV interview.”
Asked how exactly she was being silenced by other people’s criticism, JK explained that other people expressing their opinions is against free speech. “When I say something that should be just accepted and not interrogated in any way, ” explained JK. “I’m sorry if you don’t accept that then you should be banned from all public discourse.”
“I mean, come on, don’t these people know that they are oppressing me by criticising me?” continued JK. “What is the world coming to where a billionaire can’t discriminate against a minority group without someone on the internet telling her she’s wrong? God, I wish I had some kind of an outlet to vent about this, but alas I am but a mere world famous author, so my opinions will never get published.”
“Anyway, I have to go, I’ve got a lunch appointment with The Queen of 16 different countries,” explained JK. “then I’ve got to talk to 3 different journalists about how my views are no longer being published, before dinner with Johnny Depp. It sure is a busy life being cancelled.”


thechaser--2020-07-19--Morrison explains Parliament shutdown – “I don’t want to risk infecting the Sharkies”

Part-Time Prime Minister and full-time Cronulla Sharks mascot Scott Morrison , has today announced that parliament will not be meeting until August 24 due the 2nd wave of Covid-19 .
The PM cited concerns that meeting in person could cause risks of spreading the disease not only between Canberrans and politicians , but he also realised it could even risk Cronulla Sharks fans and the PM doesn ’ t want to risk a group of people he “ actually cares about ” .
“ How great is taking another break ?
” said Scott , a Sharks fan from the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this pandemic thing to worry about too .
I saw online people where criticising me for taking a week off and going straight to the footy risking spreading the infection , and you know what ?
When you ’ re right , you ’ re right and I have found a solution to reduce this admittedly unnecessary risk .
I am shutting Parliament house down , that way I won ’ t be risking my fellow fans .
It ’ s a win-win really , if anything this whole ‘ doing my job @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of my support for the Sharkies .
I realised I needed to get my priorities straight , it was either work or footy , so there was no other way.
” “ What people need to realise is we are in the middle of a pandemic , so if people can stay home instead of going to work they should .
Also , we need to reduce our needless travel and people should not be going to another state or territory in a time like this .
In saying that , if you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ trade , a university , retail , food service or basically any other job under 6 figures a year you should really be looking to go back to work and back to living your regular life .
Also , how dare these premiers close the borders ?
It ’ s bloody Un-Australian !
People should be going where-ever they like , especially those who need to travel for work .
Plus , schools need to be running in person and there is no need for social distancing the kids , unless of course @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to parliament house or see a fellow Sharkies fan .
We don ’ t want to risk anyone who matters getting sick.
” Sources tell us that the Prime Minister is open to potentially resuming parliament but only if it is relocated from Parliament House in Canberra , to a VIP box at Sharks games .
“ He is willing to do it , but he has reservations as making policy changes and acting like a leader during a pandemic might distract from his important work supporting his team and having his picture @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thinking he is just ‘ Scomo the relatable bloke ’ .
Plus , the more decisions he makes , the less he can blame everything on Daniel Andrews .
”

Part-Time Prime Minister and full-time Cronulla Sharks mascot Scott Morrison, has today announced that parliament will not be meeting until August 24 due the 2nd wave of Covid-19. The PM cited concerns that meeting in person could cause risks of spreading the disease not only between Canberrans and politicians, but he also realised it could even risk Cronulla Sharks fans and the PM doesn’t want to risk a group of people he “actually cares about”.
“How great is taking another break?” said Scott, a Sharks fan from the Shire, “Plus there’s this pandemic thing to worry about too. I saw online people where criticising me for taking a week off and going straight to the footy risking spreading the infection, and you know what? When you’re right, you’re right and I have found a solution to reduce this admittedly unnecessary risk. I am shutting Parliament house down, that way I won’t be risking my fellow fans. It’s a win-win really, if anything this whole ‘doing my job’ thing was getting in the way of my support for the Sharkies. I realised I needed to get my priorities straight, it was either work or footy, so there was no other way.”
“What people need to realise is we are in the middle of a pandemic, so if people can stay home instead of going to work they should. Also, we need to reduce our needless travel and people should not be going to another state or territory in a time like this. In saying that, if you work in childcare, teaching, a trade, a university, retail, food service or basically any other job under 6 figures a year you should really be looking to go back to work and back to living your regular life. Also, how dare these premiers close the borders? It’s bloody Un-Australian! People should be going where-ever they like, especially those who need to travel for work. Plus, schools need to be running in person and there is no need for social distancing the kids, unless of course you plan to go on an excursion to parliament house or see a fellow Sharkies fan. We don’t want to risk anyone who matters getting sick.”
Sources tell us that the Prime Minister is open to potentially resuming parliament but only if it is relocated from Parliament House in Canberra, to a VIP box at Sharks games. “He is willing to do it, but he has reservations as making policy changes and acting like a leader during a pandemic might distract from his important work supporting his team and having his picture taken trying to trick the public into thinking he is just ‘Scomo the relatable bloke’. Plus, the more decisions he makes, the less he can blame everything on Daniel Andrews.”


thechaser--2020-07-20--Zuckerberg locked out of Facebook after repeatedly failing robot test

Sentient humanoid and billionaire Mark Zuckerberg has today engaged rage.exe after being locked out of his Facebook account due to repeated failed login attempts .
The Facebook owner was reportedly attempting to log in to upload pictures of his latest holiday to Hawaii , before being asked to verify he is not a robot , a task he could not accomplish .
“ Is the pole part of a traffic light ?
” muttered Zuckerberg , shooing away offers from friends and family to help .
“ No , no I ’ ve got this .
God , look there @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a corner of a sign in that box , I wonder if that counts ?
Agh , failed again !
” Instead Zuckerberg was asked to upload photo ID , and was immediately banned from the site upon having done so .
“ Wait , are you telling me that was actually the boss and not some creep trying to pass themselves off as him using a photo of a Madamme Tussauds figure ?
” asked a stunned intern .
“ Gosh , surely he could afford a better haircut ?
Isn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
”

Sentient humanoid and billionaire Mark Zuckerberg has today engaged rage.exe after being locked out of his Facebook account due to repeated failed login attempts. The Facebook owner was reportedly attempting to log in to upload pictures of his latest holiday to Hawaii, before being asked to verify he is not a robot, a task he could not accomplish.
“Is the pole part of a traffic light?” muttered Zuckerberg, shooing away offers from friends and family to help. “No, no I’ve got this. God, look there, it’s one billionth of a corner of a sign in that box, I wonder if that counts? Agh, failed again!”
Instead Zuckerberg was asked to upload photo ID, and was immediately banned from the site upon having done so. “Wait, are you telling me that was actually the boss and not some creep trying to pass themselves off as him using a photo of a Madamme Tussauds figure?” asked a stunned intern. “Gosh, surely he could afford a better haircut? Isn’t he supposed to be a billionaire?”


thechaser--2020-07-20--Andrew Bolt drowns after refusing to wear “unscientific” scuba mask

Freedom campaigner and voice for idiots everywhere Andrew Bolt has today used his prominent position as a completely unqualified moron @ @ @ @ @ rail against health recommendations that Victorians wear masks when out in public .
“ There @ @ @ @ @ this up , ” explained Bolt while rejecting a phone call from the CDC .
@ @ @ @ @ are now an authority despite what I ’ ve previously said , wrote an article @ @ @ @ @ preferred hand washing to face masks and we all know that science and medical advice @ @ @ @ @ the public should maybe be paying more attention to the people who study this stuff @ @ @ @ @ have now recommended facemasks in public given supplies for hospitals are no longer at risk @ @ @ @ @ some blowhard who thinks organised science is a conspiracy , Andrew was unable to respond @ @ @ @ @ a recent scuba diving expedition after having refused to wear a mask .
Andrew will @ @ @ @ @ didn ’ t listen to his stupid pseudo-medical advice

Freedom campaigner and voice for idiots everywhere Andrew Bolt has today used his prominent position as a completely unqualified moron with an outsized platform to rail against health recommendations that Victorians wear masks when out in public.
“There is simply no science backing this up,” explained Bolt while rejecting a phone call from the CDC. “The WHO, who are now an authority despite what I’ve previously said, wrote an article months ago saying that they preferred hand washing to face masks and we all know that science and medical advice never changes.”
Asked whether the public should maybe be paying more attention to the people who study this stuff for a living, who have now recommended facemasks in public given supplies for hospitals are no longer at risk, instead of listening to some blowhard who thinks organised science is a conspiracy, Andrew was unable to respond due to having drowned on a recent scuba diving expedition after having refused to wear a mask.
Andrew will be survived by everyone who didn’t listen to his stupid pseudo-medical advice


thechaser--2020-07-21--NBN user worried after hearing about upcoming wave of a new virus called “Covid 19”

NBN users around the nation have begun raising concerns after reports just loaded of the beginnings of a terrifying wave of a new , unheard of , virus scientists are calling “ Covid-19 ” .
NBN users are reportedly concerned about this scary new virus but are optimistic that the world will come together to beat it by the time it reaches our shores .
And with tools like the NBN , Australia should be able to keep up-to-date with information thanks to the recent installation of the most up-to-date tech of the mid 2000 ’ s .
Local NBN @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the phone ( since her internet can ’ t handle Zoom calls ) about how the virus might impact life in Australia .
“ Like , this virus is scary but I hope we can handle it .
2020 has already had enough problems with the fires and recent threat of WW3 , how could it get worse ?
Things have been weird enough as it is already , have you been for a walk outside lately ?
Everyone ’ s disappeared.
” “ Luckily , there is no way a group like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sick to just enter the country without being tested and treated right ?
I mean if they can stop refugees in need on boats because they don ’ t want them in Australia , they wouldn ’ t say let boat loads of sick people in , right ?
Surely the world will show we have learned from the mistakes of pandemics throughout history.
” Since talking to people on the NBN is the closest thing to talking to people living in the past , we asked her about who would be to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to guard the sick and ended up sleeping with one spreading the virus .
“ What ?
” she replied , “ Like I get you ’ re the Chaser but even you shouldn ’ t ask a question that ridiculous .
No security guard would ever sleep with a person they are guarding , especially if they have a deadly virus .
Not everything has to be a joke you idiots .
”

NBN users around the nation have begun raising concerns after reports just loaded of the beginnings of a terrifying wave of a new, unheard of, virus scientists are calling “Covid-19”. NBN users are reportedly concerned about this scary new virus but are optimistic that the world will come together to beat it by the time it reaches our shores. And with tools like the NBN, Australia should be able to keep up-to-date with information thanks to the recent installation of the most up-to-date tech of the mid 2000’s.
Local NBN user Alice expressed her growing concerns over the phone (since her internet can’t handle Zoom calls) about how the virus might impact life in Australia. “Like, this virus is scary but I hope we can handle it. 2020 has already had enough problems with the fires and recent threat of WW3, how could it get worse? Things have been weird enough as it is already, have you been for a walk outside lately? Everyone’s disappeared.”
“Luckily, there is no way a group like border force would allow people who are sick to just enter the country without being tested and treated right? I mean if they can stop refugees in need on boats because they don’t want them in Australia, they wouldn’t say let boat loads of sick people in, right? Surely the world will show we have learned from the mistakes of pandemics throughout history.”
Since talking to people on the NBN is the closest thing to talking to people living in the past, we asked her about who would be to blame if a security guard was hired to guard the sick and ended up sleeping with one spreading the virus. “What?” she replied, “Like I get you’re the Chaser but even you shouldn’t ask a question that ridiculous. No security guard would ever sleep with a person they are guarding, especially if they have a deadly virus. Not everything has to be a joke you idiots.”


thechaser--2020-07-21--America beginning to suspect it might not actually be greatest country on earth

People across America dying of preventable disease in for-profit prisons where they are being detained without cause after being arrested by secret police for protesting racism have today reported that they may not actually be living in the greatest country on earth , after reflecting on the situation .
“ You know somewhere between the President wanting to inject people with bleach , people being arrested on the street without cause by unidentified federal forces , and the needless murder of a black man by police over a forged cheque , I started to suspect things actually could be better @ @ @ @ @ @ @ waited outside the hospital for his severance pay to come in so he could afford his last shot of insulin .
“ And then I got a googling and I learned that in fact lots of countries out there right now actually aren ’ t suffering an unchecked outbreak of a virus , and actually things are pretty good.
” “ They have socialised healthcare that means nobody goes without medical care , they have gun control leading to much safer streets , they have police departments that require years of training and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ funding and political bribery , sustainable green energy , free university , months of maternity leave , strong unions leading to a liveable minimum wage , rules against political gerrymandering , strong voting rights , and personal data protection laws so social media sites can ’ t steal and sell every single piece of data about their lives .
Basically everything that keeps Fox News hosts awake at night.
” “ Gosh , it almost makes me think America is actually a terrible place .
No wonder the rest of the world put @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I ’ ve got to go , I ’ ve just called the police about my car being broken into so they ’ ll be here any minute to shoot my dog .
”

People across America dying of preventable disease in for-profit prisons where they are being detained without cause after being arrested by secret police for protesting racism have today reported that they may not actually be living in the greatest country on earth, after reflecting on the situation.
“You know somewhere between the President wanting to inject people with bleach, people being arrested on the street without cause by unidentified federal forces, and the needless murder of a black man by police over a forged cheque, I started to suspect things actually could be better,” explained one man as he waited outside the hospital for his severance pay to come in so he could afford his last shot of insulin. “And then I got a googling and I learned that in fact lots of countries out there right now actually aren’t suffering an unchecked outbreak of a virus, and actually things are pretty good.”
“They have socialised healthcare that means nobody goes without medical care, they have gun control leading to much safer streets, they have police departments that require years of training and tertiary qualifications, strong laws around election funding and political bribery, sustainable green energy, free university, months of maternity leave, strong unions leading to a liveable minimum wage, rules against political gerrymandering, strong voting rights, and personal data protection laws so social media sites can’t steal and sell every single piece of data about their lives. Basically everything that keeps Fox News hosts awake at night.”
“Gosh, it almost makes me think America is actually a terrible place. No wonder the rest of the world put a travel ban on us. Anyway, I’ve got to go, I’ve just called the police about my car being broken into so they’ll be here any minute to shoot my dog.”


thechaser--2020-07-23--Government releases 2-in-1 ‘Barnaby Mask’ that repels both virus and women

The Victorian Government has rushed into production a revolutionary new mask design that makes people want to stay at least 1.5 metres away from the wearer , often much further .
The mask has a photo of Barnaby Joyce on the front , and wearers reported an immediate repellent effect , especially amongst women .
“ It ’ s almost too effective , ” claimed archaeology student Sarah Wainscott .
“ I tried to pay for my shopping and I couldn ’ t get close enough .
I had to hold my card out on a baguette.
” The makers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ troubling but profitable ” .
Production manager Bernie Lowell said “ It has a filter efficiency of at least 95 % , expels any particle bigger than 0.3 microns , and it ’ s got this weird pink tinge to it .
Mr Lowell praised the work of the employees who were forced to work on the design .
“ A lot of the people in the product design division are suffering from PTSD after working on this design.
” Refusing to disclose how he made the material look both sticky and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said “ The mask stops at your eyes .
However , people wearing one naturally develop Joyce ’ s faraway glare as they get used to its dark power .
We don ’ t recommend wearing these masks for too long , or around people of a sensitive disposition.
” Meanwhile , Energy Minister Angus Taylor has reportedly tried to get several wearers to sign off on large water contracts with him .

The Victorian Government has rushed into production a revolutionary new mask design that makes people want to stay at least 1.5 metres away from the wearer, often much further.
The mask has a photo of Barnaby Joyce on the front, and wearers reported an immediate repellent effect, especially amongst women.
“It’s almost too effective,” claimed archaeology student Sarah Wainscott. “I tried to pay for my shopping and I couldn’t get close enough. I had to hold my card out on a baguette.”
The makers of the mask described the product as “troubling but profitable”. Production manager Bernie Lowell said “It has a filter efficiency of at least 95%, expels any particle bigger than 0.3 microns, and it’s got this weird pink tinge to it.
Mr Lowell praised the work of the employees who were forced to work on the design. “A lot of the people in the product design division are suffering from PTSD after working on this design.”
Refusing to disclose how he made the material look both sticky and ashen at the same time, Lowell said “The mask stops at your eyes. However, people wearing one naturally develop Joyce’s faraway glare as they get used to its dark power. We don’t recommend wearing these masks for too long, or around people of a sensitive disposition.”
Meanwhile, Energy Minister Angus Taylor has reportedly tried to get several wearers to sign off on large water contracts with him.


thechaser--2020-07-24--The Chaser Report – Ep 15 – The $1600 Butter Chicken

The Chaser Report – Ep 15 – The $1600 Butter Chicken
More Stories
Ben Roberts-Smith resigns from Channel 7 to spend more time with his war crimes
Ben Roberts-Smith drowns sorrows with a traditional leggy
Ben Roberts-Smith cheers self up following court loss by kicking a farmer off a cliff
Mark McGowan announced as new host of Sunrise
Kochie leaves Sunrise to focus on his passion for selling crypto on Facebook
AFP hires PwC to investigate PwC scandal


thechaser--2020-07-24--Morrison announces JobKeeper will downgrade to 3 hugs a day from September

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today unveiled the latest changes to the JobKeeper programme , announcing that from September the government will no longer be supplying exposure for companies that want to keep millennial interns on their books .
“ From the end of September , companies will once again be required to supply 50 % of the hugs to their younger employees , ” explained Morrison .
“ What ’ s more the avocado subsidy will also be cut back , and we will be putting a cap on cappuccinos.
” However , some millennials have hit back at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ these and other shallow substitutes for meaningful pay , like a table-tennis table in the office that nobody dares use , then they are at very real risk of being employed by businesses that are actually required to pay a liveable wage .
“ What the hell is Morrison thinking ?
” asked one intern .
“ Doesn ’ t he know the entire Australian media industry relies on millennials working for a fraction of what their tenured boomer bosses earn despite not knowing how to operate a printer ?
Gosh what ever @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lunch room snacks ?
Good think the boss had us all apply for JobSeeker otherwise we wouldn ’ t be able to eat !
”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today unveiled the latest changes to the JobKeeper programme, announcing that from September the government will no longer be supplying exposure for companies that want to keep millennial interns on their books.
“From the end of September, companies will once again be required to supply 50% of the hugs to their younger employees,” explained Morrison. “What’s more the avocado subsidy will also be cut back, and we will be putting a cap on cappuccinos.”
However, some millennials have hit back at the changes, pointing out that without these and other shallow substitutes for meaningful pay, like a table-tennis table in the office that nobody dares use, then they are at very real risk of being employed by businesses that are actually required to pay a liveable wage. “What the hell is Morrison thinking?” asked one intern. “Doesn’t he know the entire Australian media industry relies on millennials working for a fraction of what their tenured boomer bosses earn despite not knowing how to operate a printer? Gosh what ever will we do without those valuable free lunch room snacks? Good think the boss had us all apply for JobSeeker otherwise we wouldn’t be able to eat!”


thechaser--2020-07-24--UNCOVERED: Explosive new palace letter of Queen asking Kerr for her lawnmower back

The release of the palace letters between Queen Elizabeth II and Sir John Kerr has been a treasure trove for historians .
But nothing has been quite as explosive as this letter from September 1975 uncovered by our own reporter , that was buried amongst the boring stuff about The Dismissal : I write once more with the same , ever more exigent inquiry ; and with Polonius ’ words to his son Laertes foremost in my mind : ‘ Never a lender nor a borrower be ’ .
John , where the fuck is my lawnmower ?
Unfamiliar though @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , one must assume that – though they may well be significant – it does not take eight months to cut the grass .
If it were so , mention should have been made before Philip dispatched the item responsible for what I fear is cause for abatement of our cordial relationship .
My good faith , of which I must admit a surplus at the moment I entered into this non-binding yet ever verifiable contract , is reduced to the merest reserve .
And yet , it continues to wane .
Please @ @ @ @ @ @ @ letter .
I take this opportunity to remind you that it had a full tank of fuel and , though the starter cord may have been frayed , it was not broken .

The release of the palace letters between Queen Elizabeth II and Sir John Kerr has been a treasure trove for historians. But nothing has been quite as explosive as this letter from September 1975 uncovered by our own reporter, that was buried amongst the boring stuff about The Dismissal:
Dear Governor General
I write once more with the same, ever more exigent inquiry; and with Polonius’ words to his son Laertes foremost in my mind: ‘Never a lender nor a borrower be’.
John, where the fuck is my lawnmower?
Unfamiliar though I am with your grounds and holdings, one must assume that – though they may well be significant – it does not take eight months to cut the grass. If it were so, mention should have been made before Philip dispatched the item responsible for what I fear is cause for abatement of our cordial relationship.
My good faith, of which I must admit a surplus at the moment I entered into this non-binding yet ever verifiable contract, is reduced to the merest reserve. And yet, it continues to wane.
Please return my lawnmower on receipt of this letter. I take this opportunity to remind you that it had a full tank of fuel and, though the starter cord may have been frayed, it was not broken.
Yours in anticipation
The Queen


thechaser--2020-07-24--New Baby Boom: Treasurer tells nation to get fucked

The Australian government has told the nation to get fucked today , in the latest attempt to revive the economy through a planned surge the cots , bibs and nappy sector in about nine months time .
Stating that it was of upmost importance that every single adult in this country get rooted , representatives for the government then dimmed the lights and started playing sultry saxophone .
“ To all you fuckers out there , I just want to say , get screwed , ” announced the treasurer Josh Frydenberg at an official press conference today , “ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Yes , I know you ’ re all pretty used to feeling like you ’ ve been fucked after every one of our announcements about our plans to address the economy , but this time we mean it , ” continued Frydenberg .
“ I want you all to be out there bonking like you ’ re a member of the National Party who holds one of the highest offices in the country , and you ’ ve just spotted a moderately attractive staffer.
” “ Wait , no actually strike that mental @ @ @ @ @ @ @ put people off if anything.
” “ Wait I ’ ve got a better metaphor .
I want this to be the nation ’ s biggest fuck up since I misplaced $ 60 billion last month .
No that doesn ’ t work either ?
Well you can all get fucked .
”

The Australian government has told the nation to get fucked today, in the latest attempt to revive the economy through a planned surge the cots, bibs and nappy sector in about nine months time. Stating that it was of upmost importance that every single adult in this country get rooted, representatives for the government then dimmed the lights and started playing sultry saxophone.
“To all you fuckers out there, I just want to say, get screwed,” announced the treasurer Josh Frydenberg at an official press conference today, “I cannot stress that enough.”
“Yes, I know you’re all pretty used to feeling like you’ve been fucked after every one of our announcements about our plans to address the economy, but this time we mean it,” continued Frydenberg. “I want you all to be out there bonking like you’re a member of the National Party who holds one of the highest offices in the country, and you’ve just spotted a moderately attractive staffer.”
“Wait, no actually strike that mental image, I think that’ll put people off if anything.”
“Wait I’ve got a better metaphor. I want this to be the nation’s biggest fuck up since I misplaced $60 billion last month. No that doesn’t work either? Well you can all get fucked.”


thechaser--2020-07-26--Greg from Facebook shocked to learn most products strive to not have racist names

A man who thinks giving cheese a non-racist name is ‘ PC gone mad ’ has been surprised today .
@ @ @ @ @ around 40 comments before learning the other stuff he buys is deliberately given a name @ @ @ @ @ it even reaches the market .
“ You could have knocked me down with a @ @ @ @ @ .
“ There I was laying into the owners of the Coon brand , when @ @ @ @ @ products aren ’ t even racially insensitive to begin with.
” Greg had commented on @ @ @ @ @ sixteen poorly-disguised copies designed to fool the elderly , and Daily Mail Australia .
He @ @ @ @ @ posts under the pseudonymous account LastTrue BlueAussie .
Greg continued “ It ’ s got @ @ @ @ @ didn ’ t care when they changed Datsun to Nissan , although maybe I would @ @ @ @ @ offensive .
“ I ’ ve got two options now .
Make my own racist @ @ @ @ @ like an arsehole .
Looks like I ’ m going into cheese-making .
”

Greg from Facebook shocked to learn most products strive to not have racist names
A man who thinks giving cheese a non-racist name is ‘PC gone mad’ has been surprised today. Greg from Facebook had posted around 40 comments before learning the other stuff he buys is deliberately given a name without a racial slur before it even reaches the market.
“You could have knocked me down with a feather,” said Greg. “There I was laying into the owners of the Coon brand, when someone pointed out that most products aren’t even racially insensitive to begin with.”
Greg had commented on the official Coon page and sixteen poorly-disguised copies designed to fool the elderly, and Daily Mail Australia. He also confirmed a number of posts under the pseudonymous account LastTrue BlueAussie.
Greg continued “It’s got me questioning everything. I didn’t care when they changed Datsun to Nissan, although maybe I would have if Datsun meant something offensive.
“I’ve got two options now. Make my own racist cheese company or stop acting like an arsehole. Looks like I’m going into cheese-making.”


thechaser--2020-07-26--“Masks make it hard to breathe!” complains woman who’ll soon need a machine to breathe

Local freedom campaigner and part time contrarian idiot Karen Nomask has this week denounced “ the rising tide of government oppression ” after being politely asked to wear a mask in a supermarket so he doesn ’ t kill people .
“ What has the world come to where a person can ’ t go outside and launch an invisible biological attack on every person who he comes in contact with ?
” asked Karen angrily .
“ Why this is basically communist Russia , I am yet to see a single scrap of evidence that facemasks do anything other @ @ @ @ @ @ @ viral particles , thereby reducing the risk to others around me .
And that ’ s hardly a reason for people to be deprived of seeing my beautiful face !
” Asked what exactly she had against the facemasks , Karen explained that they are a little bit uncomfortable and they make it hard for her to breathe .
“ It feels like I ’ m suffocating , ” explained Karen , which is also incidentally exactly what he will tell doctors when she is admitted to hospital in two weeks and has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her lungs have failed .
“ Who could have forseen this , ” future Karen will exclaim .
“ If only the government had done something to try prevent this .
”

Local freedom campaigner and part time contrarian idiot Karen Nomask has this week denounced “the rising tide of government oppression” after being politely asked to wear a mask in a supermarket so he doesn’t kill people.
“What has the world come to where a person can’t go outside and launch an invisible biological attack on every person who he comes in contact with?” asked Karen angrily. “Why this is basically communist Russia, I am yet to see a single scrap of evidence that facemasks do anything other than significantly reduce the incidence of airborn viral particles, thereby reducing the risk to others around me. And that’s hardly a reason for people to be deprived of seeing my beautiful face!”
Asked what exactly she had against the facemasks, Karen explained that they are a little bit uncomfortable and they make it hard for her to breathe. “It feels like I’m suffocating,” explained Karen, which is also incidentally exactly what he will tell doctors when she is admitted to hospital in two weeks and has to be put on a machine because her lungs have failed.
“Who could have forseen this,” future Karen will exclaim. “If only the government had done something to try prevent this.”


thechaser--2020-07-28--Professional psychic fails to predict Today show would cut off her mic

The entirety of Australia has been shown to have psychic powers today , after correctly guessing that the psychic on The Today Show was not actually able to predict the future .
“ I have been a psychic since I was 9 years old !
” proclaimed the woman moments before having her microphone cut .
“ And we all know qualifications handed out to children are the most trustworthy .
My parents also gave me a doctors certificate and a shiny mirror headband when I was 5 , which is why I ’ m now apparently able to espouse @ @ @ @ @ @ @ off her microphone , Karl then apologised if he had offended anyone by not allowing a completely unhinged woman evangelise science denial in the middle of a pandemic .
“ Gosh I hope nobody wanted to hear more about how Covid is an engineered hoax t control our minds through facemasks , ” expressed Karl .
“ I wouldn ’ t want to offend those people , lest they attack me with their psychic powers.
” Asked why exactly she was unable to predict getting her mic cut off , the newly appointed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ conspiracy .
“ It ’ s all these bloody 5G towers , ” explained Karen , swatting them away with her hand .
“ Anyway , I ’ ve got to go .
Sunrise have booked me a weekly spot on their show !
”

The entirety of Australia has been shown to have psychic powers today, after correctly guessing that the psychic on The Today Show was not actually able to predict the future.
“I have been a psychic since I was 9 years old!” proclaimed the woman moments before having her microphone cut. “And we all know qualifications handed out to children are the most trustworthy. My parents also gave me a doctors certificate and a shiny mirror headband when I was 5, which is why I’m now apparently able to espouse medical advice on national TV.”
Cutting off her microphone, Karl then apologised if he had offended anyone by not allowing a completely unhinged woman evangelise science denial in the middle of a pandemic. “Gosh I hope nobody wanted to hear more about how Covid is an engineered hoax t control our minds through facemasks,” expressed Karl. “I wouldn’t want to offend those people, lest they attack me with their psychic powers.”
Asked why exactly she was unable to predict getting her mic cut off, the newly appointed Karen said that it was all a conspiracy. “It’s all these bloody 5G towers,” explained Karen, swatting them away with her hand. “Anyway, I’ve got to go. Sunrise have booked me a weekly spot on their show!”


thechaser--2020-07-28--Covid wins over Liberal Party by moving to Potts Point

The Liberal Party have declared the Covid problem solved today , after health authorities announced that the virus had moved into the elite harbourside suburb of Potts Point and now falls directly into the Liberal Party ’ s target demographic .
“ I don ’ t know why , it just seems less threatening now that it ’ s moved from the Outer West to Potts Point , ” explained one Liberal Party strategist .
“ Almost as if it ’ s murderous tendencies were just traits that make it good at business .
The kind of thing this country @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the virus for looking out for itself first above the health of others , can we ?
” The disease which has completely devastated Sydney ’ s nightlife and decimated the country ’ s healthcare system , more popularly known as the Liberal Party , said that it is good to see COVID adapting to the Australian way of life by moving into an overpriced neighbourhood .
“ Clearly we got off on the wrong foot , ” Prime Minister Scott Morrison announced today .
“ Yes we were hesitant to accept its @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by boat back in March , but since then it has made great strides in looking like a wealthy donor we might like to court .
As such instead of trying to stop the disease we have decided to just give it a cushy job in one of our branches , and put it in control of a few barrier reef trusts with no accountability , as is the Liberal Party way .
”

The Liberal Party have declared the Covid problem solved today, after health authorities announced that the virus had moved into the elite harbourside suburb of Potts Point and now falls directly into the Liberal Party’s target demographic.
“I don’t know why, it just seems less threatening now that it’s moved from the Outer West to Potts Point,” explained one Liberal Party strategist. “Almost as if it’s murderous tendencies were just traits that make it good at business. The kind of thing this country needs. And we can hardly fault the virus for looking out for itself first above the health of others, can we?”
The disease which has completely devastated Sydney’s nightlife and decimated the country’s healthcare system, more popularly known as the Liberal Party, said that it is good to see COVID adapting to the Australian way of life by moving into an overpriced neighbourhood. “Clearly we got off on the wrong foot,” Prime Minister Scott Morrison announced today. “Yes we were hesitant to accept its right to be here given it arrived by boat back in March, but since then it has made great strides in looking like a wealthy donor we might like to court. As such instead of trying to stop the disease we have decided to just give it a cushy job in one of our branches, and put it in control of a few barrier reef trusts with no accountability, as is the Liberal Party way.”


thechaser--2020-07-28--Police forced to release all criminals after learning they do not consent to being arrested

Prisons across Australia have been forced to open their doors , releasing every single person in custody , after learning that the prisoners do not consent to being arrested , and therefore are sovereign citizens who can do whatever they want .
“ Gosh , they got us there , ” sighed the Attorney General , “ we were really hoping they wouldn ’ t discover that loophole.
” The release comes in the wake of news that all Australian police are now facing extradition to the International Criminal Court in the Hague , after it was alleged that they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rights by stopping people from breaking the law .
“ We have now learned that many of the people the police arrested were in fact living women , ” explained a human rights representative for the UN , “ so naturally the law should not have been applied in their case.
” However , it is unlikely the case against the police will proceed to trial , as police have announced they do not consent to being tried for Human Rights abuses , leaving the court system powerless to stop them , in @ @ @ @ @ @

Prisons across Australia have been forced to open their doors, releasing every single person in custody, after learning that the prisoners do not consent to being arrested, and therefore are sovereign citizens who can do whatever they want. “Gosh, they got us there,” sighed the Attorney General, “we were really hoping they wouldn’t discover that loophole.”
The release comes in the wake of news that all Australian police are now facing extradition to the International Criminal Court in the Hague, after it was alleged that they had breached the UN Charter of Human rights by stopping people from breaking the law. “We have now learned that many of the people the police arrested were in fact living women,” explained a human rights representative for the UN, “so naturally the law should not have been applied in their case.”
However, it is unlikely the case against the police will proceed to trial, as police have announced they do not consent to being tried for Human Rights abuses, leaving the court system powerless to stop them, in a stunning return to normality.


thechaser--2020-07-28--BLM protestors arrested after forgetting to declare they are a “Living Woman”

Activists arrested today at a Black Lives Matter protest in Sydney ’ s Domain were caught out when they neglected to tell police that they were living women and could therefore do as they please .
With editions of the 1948 Charter of Human Rights in their pockets , the rally organisers and their cabal of professional paid protesters fronted up to the Domain , intent to ruin everyone ’ s Tuesday by drawing attention to the inconvenient fact that over 400 Indigenous people have died in police custody since that time we had that Royal Commission thingo that was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from happening so frequently .
“ We were really outflanked today , ” said one protest organiser , who declined to give his name .
“ I mean , we spent six months in training at the National Centre for Antifa Excellence , preparing for every eventuality and then last night we get a memo saying that they ’ ve discovered a fail-safe technique for being able to do whatever the fuck you want.
” The unnamed protestor went on to explain that since footage emerged of an anti-masker ’ s meltdown in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have been told to declare that they are “ a living woman ” and that the law does not apply to them , in order to avoid arrest .
“ I guess it ’ s back to training now , ” said the protester , noting sadly that as a casual employee of Antifa Inc he was not eligible for Jobkeeper and couldn ’ t afford to lose shifts if in prison .

Activists arrested today at a Black Lives Matter protest in Sydney’s Domain were caught out when they neglected to tell police that they were living women and could therefore do as they please.
With editions of the 1948 Charter of Human Rights in their pockets, the rally organisers and their cabal of professional paid protesters fronted up to the Domain, intent to ruin everyone’s Tuesday by drawing attention to the inconvenient fact that over 400 Indigenous people have died in police custody since that time we had that Royal Commission thingo that was meant to stop this sort of thing from happening so frequently.
“We were really outflanked today,” said one protest organiser, who declined to give his name. “I mean, we spent six months in training at the National Centre for Antifa Excellence, preparing for every eventuality and then last night we get a memo saying that they’ve discovered a fail-safe technique for being able to do whatever the fuck you want.”
The unnamed protestor went on to explain that since footage emerged of an anti-masker’s meltdown in a Melbourne Bunnings, all professional protesters have been told to declare that they are “a living woman” and that the law does not apply to them, in order to avoid arrest.
“I guess it’s back to training now,” said the protester, noting sadly that as a casual employee of Antifa Inc he was not eligible for Jobkeeper and couldn’t afford to lose shifts if in prison.


thechaser--2020-07-28--Man fined for making the mistake of not being a rich celebrity who is exempt from the rules

A man from NSW has been fined under public health orders today after he made the mistake of not being a rich celebrity who is exempt from the rules .
The man was fined over $ 4000 for trying to cross the NSW-Queensland border in the boot of a car , but he has admitted that his crucial error was not being Dannii Minogue , who last week avoided quarantine and got to stay in a luxury Gold Coast apartment when she arrived in Queensland .
“ I ’ m just kicking myself that I ’ m not Keith Urban @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the currently unemployed hospitality worker .
“ Then not only would I be able to stay in my own luxury apartment , but I ’ d also be going out with Nicole Kidman .
Nice.
” It comes after a spate of similar incidents in Melbourne where people were fined for not being affluent-looking enough to be let off with a warning .
One woman , who was fined after attempting to travel to a beach to exercise , said that she regretted not being a CEO of a large public company , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ city to their local golf course .
The man fined over the car boot incident said that in hindsight , instead of hiding in a car boot , he should have just owned a private jet and then just flown to his destination .
Police said that the man was charged with crossing a restricted border and one count of “ Not Being Kerry Stokes ” , and will face court in August .

Man fined for making the mistake of not being a rich celebrity who is exempt from the rules
A man from NSW has been fined under public health orders today after he made the mistake of not being a rich celebrity who is exempt from the rules.
The man was fined over $4000 for trying to cross the NSW-Queensland border in the boot of a car, but he has admitted that his crucial error was not being Dannii Minogue, who last week avoided quarantine and got to stay in a luxury Gold Coast apartment when she arrived in Queensland.
“I’m just kicking myself that I’m not Keith Urban, to be honest,” said the currently unemployed hospitality worker. “Then not only would I be able to stay in my own luxury apartment, but I’d also be going out with Nicole Kidman. Nice.”
It comes after a spate of similar incidents in Melbourne where people were fined for not being affluent-looking enough to be let off with a warning. One woman, who was fined after attempting to travel to a beach to exercise, said that she regretted not being a CEO of a large public company, who was allowed to travel across the city to their local golf course.
The man fined over the car boot incident said that in hindsight, instead of hiding in a car boot, he should have just owned a private jet and then just flown to his destination. Police said that the man was charged with crossing a restricted border and one count of “Not Being Kerry Stokes”, and will face court in August.


thechaser--2020-07-28--CCTV tracks your every move, says anti-masker who can be easily tracked because she’s not wearing a

A Melbourne anti-masker has posted on a video on Facebook claiming that the government is tracking her movements using closed-circuit @ @ @ @ @ a massive conspiracy to force citizens to wear masks .
She told her Facebook friends @ @ @ @ @ sophisticated Facial Recognition technology which could only be defeated by covering up your mouth and @ @ @ @ @ all anti-maskers to protect their freedom to exercise their right to not cover their mouth @ @ @ @ @ up their mouth and nose .
She called on anti-maskers to then take photos of @ @ @ @ @ then tag themselves and their exact location on Facebook , as a protest against being @ @ @ @ @ the government said that the anti-masker in question appeared to have foiled their plans to @ @ @ @ @ it , ” said one source .
“ Without her showing her mouth and nose @ @ @ @ @ she ’ s completely disappeared off our radar .
We ’ ve been foiled again @ @

CCTV tracks your every move, says anti-masker who can be easily tracked because she’s not wearing a mask
A Melbourne anti-masker has posted on a video on Facebook claiming that the government is tracking her movements using closed-circuit television surveillance as part of a massive conspiracy to force citizens to wear masks.
She told her Facebook friends that the government was using sophisticated Facial Recognition technology which could only be defeated by covering up your mouth and nose, and called on all anti-maskers to protect their freedom to exercise their right to not cover their mouth and nose, by covering up their mouth and nose.
She called on anti-maskers to then take photos of themselves in face coverings and then tag themselves and their exact location on Facebook, as a protest against being tracked.
A spokesperson for the government said that the anti-masker in question appeared to have foiled their plans to track her. “Drat it,” said one source. “Without her showing her mouth and nose, it’s like she’s completely disappeared off our radar. We’ve been foiled again!”


thechaser--2020-07-29--“Why the government fund childcare? Just use your Au Pairs and Nannies!” says PM

Self-proclaimed ‘ typical family bloke ’ and 5th highest paid leader of a country in the world Scott Morrison , has today finally responded to calls asking his government to address the issue of the sustainability of the Childcare industry .
The Prime Minister responded to the issue with confusion as to why regular Aussies would use a childcare centre instead of just having the children looked after at home , by the family au pair or nanny like ‘ ordinary blokes ’ do .
The Prime Minister spoke to us earlier today after we agreed to mention he ‘ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sharkies gear and drank a mid-strength beer during the interview , “ Australia is going through a recession and we all need to do what we can to help the economy , so why waste money on Childcare when you could just use your Au Pair or Nanny like the rest of us !
You don ’ t need childcare centres and nannies , that ’ s just a waste of money .
If the Nanny needs a break , get the Au Pair to handle it , between the two of them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Like many quiet Aussies do every day.
” “ I have seen people question whether gender bias went into the decision making around cutting funding to a female-dominated industry we have previously deemed essential .
But no , we just don ’ t believe it ’ s essential .
We have heard many fathers voice their opinions that they need their kids in childcare and mothers whinge and moan about how they apparently don ’ t have other options , but the women just droned on and on so I lost interest @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gesture we spoke to many ladies in the industry and they were so annoying .
Blah , Blah , Blah .
I am glad we made all our decisions before talking to these industry ‘ experts ’ .
I mean they had this stuck-up tone , it was really ‘ know it all ’ , so the lads and I found them obnoxious .
How was I meant to know they did actually know what they were talking about ?
” Finally , he explained the difficulties he is facing making the decisions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ maybe with people working from home , they might want the kids out of the house so Nanny won ’ t do .
The issue now is these lazy unemployed or low-to-middle income people want free or heavily subsidised childcare and the childcare industry want to get money based on the amount of kids they have on each day .
As far as I can tell there is just no way the government could intervene in a way that does both .
”

Self-proclaimed ‘typical family bloke’ and 5th highest paid leader of a country in the world Scott Morrison, has today finally responded to calls asking his government to address the issue of the sustainability of the Childcare industry. The Prime Minister responded to the issue with confusion as to why regular Aussies would use a childcare centre instead of just having the children looked after at home, by the family au pair or nanny like ‘ordinary blokes’ do.
The Prime Minister spoke to us earlier today after we agreed to mention he ‘coincidentally’ wore a brand-new set of Sharkies gear and drank a mid-strength beer during the interview, “Australia is going through a recession and we all need to do what we can to help the economy, so why waste money on Childcare when you could just use your Au Pair or Nanny like the rest of us! You don’t need childcare centres and nannies, that’s just a waste of money. If the Nanny needs a break, get the Au Pair to handle it, between the two of them they should be able to handle it. Like many quiet Aussies do every day.”
“I have seen people question whether gender bias went into the decision making around cutting funding to a female-dominated industry we have previously deemed essential. But no, we just don’t believe it’s essential. We have heard many fathers voice their opinions that they need their kids in childcare and mothers whinge and moan about how they apparently don’t have other options, but the women just droned on and on so I lost interest in the topic. Then as a gesture we spoke to many ladies in the industry and they were so annoying. Blah, Blah, Blah. I am glad we made all our decisions before talking to these industry ‘experts’. I mean they had this stuck-up tone, it was really ‘know it all’, so the lads and I found them obnoxious. How was I meant to know they did actually know what they were talking about?”
Finally, he explained the difficulties he is facing making the decisions around child-care, “Look I guess maybe with people working from home, they might want the kids out of the house so Nanny won’t do. The issue now is these lazy unemployed or low-to-middle income people want free or heavily subsidised childcare and the childcare industry want to get money based on the amount of kids they have on each day. As far as I can tell there is just no way the government could intervene in a way that does both.”


thechaser--2020-07-29--Aged care residents form AFL team to get out of lockdown

A rag-tag group of elderly residents of private nursing homes across Melbourne have formed an elite AFL team , in @ @ @ @ @ travel to Queensland and start living the high life again at the AFL ’ s @ @ @ @ @ , the team is in talks with the top brass of the AFL to enter @ @ @ @ @ competition half way through the season .
The new team will be called the Self @ @ @ @ @ are expected to be the richest team in the competition .
The mascot will be @ @ @ @ @ credit called Frank .
Officials raised concerns that the new AFL players will not cope @ @ @ @ @ becoming sport stars .
Already several of them have engaged in group sex with women @ @ @ @ @ One of the players had sex with someone 40 years younger than him .
It @ @ @ @ @ advantage of a 56-years-old like that.
” AFL officials are said to be open to @ @ @ @ @ insider saying “ they can ’ t be worse than the Crows ” .

A rag-tag group of elderly residents of private nursing homes across Melbourne have formed an elite AFL team, in order to be able to travel to Queensland and start living the high life again at the AFL’s Hub.
According to insiders, the team is in talks with the top brass of the AFL to enter a new team in the competition half way through the season.
The new team will be called the Self Funded Superannuants, and they are expected to be the richest team in the competition. The mascot will be a oversized novelty dividend tax credit called Frank.
Officials raised concerns that the new AFL players will not cope with the spotlight of suddenly becoming sport stars. Already several of them have engaged in group sex with women younger than them. “One of the players had sex with someone 40 years younger than him. It was a disgrace, taking advantage of a 56-years-old like that.”
AFL officials are said to be open to the proposal, with one insider saying “they can’t be worse than the Crows”.


thechaser--2020-07-29--Morrison in talks with Cricket Australia to end pandemic

Hawaiian ex-pat and occasional Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today announced strong new measures to halt the spread of the coronavirus , appointing the national cricket team to head the fight against the virus in the wake of the latest outbreak .
“ We ’ re parachuting these boys into the heart of Victoria , ” the PM explained this morning .
“ After the spectacular job our boys did fighting the bushfires , they are obviously the most qualified to handle this crisis .
To assist them , $ 150 million in emergency funding has been approved to extend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , with a test match every week .
We also have another $ 50 million set aside in case infections start to really get out of control and we need go to two matches a week.
” The Prime Minister assured the public that he will be closely overseeing their efforts , both from his private box at the MCG and via satellite at the government ’ s newly established coronavirus Response Headquarters in Honolulu .
At a press conference , test captain Tim Paine said that the team is looking forward to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this are always tough , of course , particularly the amount of time we ’ ll likely have to spend with Scott Morrison , but we ’ ve never backed down from a challenge.
” In the hours since the appointment , massive sandpaper shortages have been reported from hardware stores across the nation .
UPDATE : The plan has now been scrapped as the entire national cricket team has since died of coronavirus after being forced to shake ScoMo ’ s hand .

Hawaiian ex-pat and occasional Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today announced strong new measures to halt the spread of the coronavirus, appointing the national cricket team to head the fight against the virus in the wake of the latest outbreak.
“We’re parachuting these boys into the heart of Victoria,” the PM explained this morning. “After the spectacular job our boys did fighting the bushfires, they are obviously the most qualified to handle this crisis. To assist them, $150 million in emergency funding has been approved to extend the cricket season for the entire year, with a test match every week. We also have another $50 million set aside in case infections start to really get out of control and we need go to two matches a week.”
The Prime Minister assured the public that he will be closely overseeing their efforts, both from his private box at the MCG and via satellite at the government’s newly established coronavirus Response Headquarters in Honolulu.
At a press conference, test captain Tim Paine said that the team is looking forward to the new responsibility. “Things like this are always tough, of course, particularly the amount of time we’ll likely have to spend with Scott Morrison, but we’ve never backed down from a challenge.”
In the hours since the appointment, massive sandpaper shortages have been reported from hardware stores across the nation.
UPDATE: The plan has now been scrapped as the entire national cricket team has since died of coronavirus after being forced to shake ScoMo’s hand.


thechaser--2020-07-30--Melbourne man’s mood entirely determined by daily infection rate number

A Melbourne man ’ s entire outlook on life is at the mercy of a single number that is announced at about 11:30 each day , his housemate has discovered .
“ It ’ s incredible , ” said his housemate .
“ His whole outlook on life is determined by a single number .
I ’ ve even taken to looking out on Twitter for a early leak of the figure so I ’ ve got a couple of hours to prepare.
” “ When the number is low , he ’ s tidying the lounge room in case @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and he starts talking about being allowed to go across town and pick up this very specific type of butter chicken that he likes .
I ’ ve even seen him so happy that he allows himself the pleasure of not thinking about the next rent payment for half an hour.
” But when the number is high , his mood sours , his housemate reported .
“ His mood has gotten so bad on some days that he hate-watches daytime television .
It ’ s just awful to see it happen to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he had started noticing this phenomenon about a week ago .
“ When the number comes in lower than expected , I tend to feel that the pandemic can only be solved by humanity working together towards a common goal , and as a result it ’ s bringing out the best in all of us , ” he said .
“ But when the number comes in higher than expected , I realise that the pandemic can only be solved by humanity working together towards a common goal , and as a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
”

A Melbourne man’s entire outlook on life is at the mercy of a single number that is announced at about 11:30 each day, his housemate has discovered.
“It’s incredible,” said his housemate. “His whole outlook on life is determined by a single number. I’ve even taken to looking out on Twitter for a early leak of the figure so I’ve got a couple of hours to prepare.”
“When the number is low, he’s tidying the lounge room in case guests are allowed to come over, and he starts talking about being allowed to go across town and pick up this very specific type of butter chicken that he likes. I’ve even seen him so happy that he allows himself the pleasure of not thinking about the next rent payment for half an hour.”
But when the number is high, his mood sours, his housemate reported. “His mood has gotten so bad on some days that he hate-watches daytime television. It’s just awful to see it happen to a person.”
The man said that he had started noticing this phenomenon about a week ago. “When the number comes in lower than expected, I tend to feel that the pandemic can only be solved by humanity working together towards a common goal, and as a result it’s bringing out the best in all of us,” he said. “But when the number comes in higher than expected, I realise that the pandemic can only be solved by humanity working together towards a common goal, and as a result, we’re completely stuffed.”


thechaser--2020-07-29--“Why should the government fund childcare? Just use your Au Pair!” says PM


thechaser--2020-08-01--US bans Chinese social media app for acting too much like an American social media app

The Trump Administration has today unleashed their daily brainfart after announcing that the popular social media app TikTok would be banned as soon as Saturday , over fears the Chinese app was acting exactly like an American app .
“ The government is using the popular social media app as an attractive front to gain access to your devices , after which they then gather every piece of data about you they can and send it to the government ’ s spy agencies , ” explained the Chinese government when asked about Facebook , Instagram , Twitter and Snapchat today @ @ @ @ @ @ @ those companies have volunteered to open up their source code for scrutiny.
” Asked why exactly he was proceeding with the ban when ByteDance was already in talks to sell the app to an American company , Trump explained that his concerns were purely about data , and in no way related to the fact that he ’ s a textbook narcissist who is now doing the textbook narcissist thing of lashing out and attacking a group that embarrassed him following his failed Tulsa rally last month .
“ Yes you see the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” explained Trump .
“ It ’ s crucially important the Chinese government doesn ’ t have access to a bunch of videos of teenagers dancing .
That kind of critical data could be devastating in the wrong hands.
” Asked whether complaining about apps being used by governments to steal foreigners data was a bit hypocritical given the US government had famously been busted doing exactly that to every foreign citizen only 8 years ago , US government representatives asked journalists to stop asking such critical questions or their private nude @ @ @ @ @

The Trump Administration has today unleashed their daily brainfart after announcing that the popular social media app TikTok would be banned as soon as Saturday, over fears the Chinese app was acting exactly like an American app.
“The government is using the popular social media app as an attractive front to gain access to your devices, after which they then gather every piece of data about you they can and send it to the government’s spy agencies,” explained the Chinese government when asked about Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat today. “And unlike TikTok none of those companies have volunteered to open up their source code for scrutiny.”
Asked why exactly he was proceeding with the ban when ByteDance was already in talks to sell the app to an American company, Trump explained that his concerns were purely about data, and in no way related to the fact that he’s a textbook narcissist who is now doing the textbook narcissist thing of lashing out and attacking a group that embarrassed him following his failed Tulsa rally last month. “Yes you see the app was clearly harvesting all your data,” explained Trump. “It’s crucially important the Chinese government doesn’t have access to a bunch of videos of teenagers dancing. That kind of critical data could be devastating in the wrong hands.”
Asked whether complaining about apps being used by governments to steal foreigners data was a bit hypocritical given the US government had famously been busted doing exactly that to every foreign citizen only 8 years ago, US government representatives asked journalists to stop asking such critical questions or their private nude pictures might mysteriously leak.


thechaser--2020-08-01--James Murdoch resigns to spend less time with family

Heir to the Murdoch fortune and least evil of the Murdoch children if you overlook the whole hacking into dead @ @ @ @ @ James Murdoch has today resigned from the board of News Corporation over concerns that the @ @ @ @ @ the democratic process across three continents might not be entirely good .
“ I simply @ @ @ @ @ watch what my father ’ s company is doing to America , ” James is @ @ @ @ @ .
“ When he did it to Australia I was concerned , and when I @ @ @ @ @ the legislation of two governments in Britain I had some reservations , but this third @ @ @ @ @ my foot down.
” Asked what he will be doing with his free time , @ @ @ @ @ seeking employment using the many skills and talents he possesses , and he is looking @ @ @ @ @ on nepotism to get a leg up .
James was later seen in the queue @ @ @ @ @ .

Heir to the Murdoch fortune and least evil of the Murdoch children if you overlook the whole hacking into dead children’s phones thing James Murdoch has today resigned from the board of News Corporation over concerns that the company which has directly corrupted the democratic process across three continents might not be entirely good.
“I simply cannot stand by and watch what my father’s company is doing to America,” James is alleged to have told friends. “When he did it to Australia I was concerned, and when I was directly involved in manipulating the legislation of two governments in Britain I had some reservations, but this third time I’ve put my foot down.”
Asked what he will be doing with his free time, James said he will be seeking employment using the many skills and talents he possesses, and he is looking forward to no longer relying on nepotism to get a leg up. James was later seen in the queue at Centrelink filing for unemployment.


thechaser--2020-08-02--Western Australia polishes up ceremonial guillotine to celebrate arrival of Clive Palmer

The West Australian government has today dusted off the official state guillotine for the first time in over 50 years @ @ @ @ @ raft of celebrations planned to welcome Clive Palmer to the state .
“ We ’ @ @ @ @ @ full tour , ” explained the Premier today .
“ Including a parade in an @ @ @ @ @ citizens can throw all sorts of things at him as he drives into town , @ @ @ @ @ tape , to the occasional cinderblock.
” The celebrations will also include a live demonstration @ @ @ @ @ to operate using a cabbage and/or the head of any convenient billionaire that happens to @ @ @ @ @ technically outlawed , the government say they are more than willing to take it up @ @ @ @ @ with the supreme court if necessary , as they think the ban probably won ’ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s case .

The West Australian government has today dusted off the official state guillotine for the first time in over 50 years, as part of a raft of celebrations planned to welcome Clive Palmer to the state.
“We’ll be giving him the full tour,” explained the Premier today. “Including a parade in an open topped car so the citizens can throw all sorts of things at him as he drives into town, from confetti, to ticker tape, to the occasional cinderblock.”
The celebrations will also include a live demonstration of how the guillotine used to operate using a cabbage and/or the head of any convenient billionaire that happens to be standing by. Though technically outlawed, the government say they are more than willing to take it up the use of the guillotine with the supreme court if necessary, as they think the ban probably won’t hold up in Clive’s case.


thechaser--2020-08-03--Man that has always called kids too soft now throwing tantrum about wearing a bit of cloth

Local Facebook Boomer and full time contrarian Greg Neckvain has today lashed out at the NSW government for suggesting citizens cut back a bit on outings and wear facemasks to the shops .
“ This is just like Stalinist Russia , ” exclaimed Greg when told he probably shouldn ’ t be going to the packed pub every night without at least doing the bare minimum of putting a bit of cloth on his face .
“ It ’ s my basic human rights to put the lives of everyone around me at risk.
” “ The problem is everyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Greg .
“ Why , back in my day we didn ’ t have killer viruses .
We just got on with life .
And even though I didn ’ t live through either of the World Wars , the Spanish Flu , or an economic depression , I still like to think that my upbringing during the most prosperous period mankind has ever seen was unfairly tough , and that everyone born since the 90s are a bunch of snowflakes .
Anyway , what was I saying ?
Oh yes , I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Besides it only affects old people , ” continued Greg , “ being 55 that clearly doesn ’ t include me , and it only kills 1 % of people who catch it , so that ’ ll only be like , 78 million people dead and 390 million people left with serious lifelong medical conditions if we don ’ t try to contain this thing and if everyone only catches it once despite immunity only lasting three months and the virus not being seasonal .
But hey at the end @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I die .
Sure I ’ ll probably also infect others in the process , who will then continue to pass on the virus to others until thousands if not millions are dead because of my actions , but germ theory doesn ’ t apply to me because I ’ m convinced I ’ m the lead character in my life story which makes me invincible.
” “ Anyway , I ’ m off to the shops .
Got ta pick up some cold and flu tablets to deal with this nasty cough @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
”

Local Facebook Boomer and full time contrarian Greg Neckvain has today lashed out at the NSW government for suggesting citizens cut back a bit on outings and wear facemasks to the shops.
“This is just like Stalinist Russia,” exclaimed Greg when told he probably shouldn’t be going to the packed pub every night without at least doing the bare minimum of putting a bit of cloth on his face. “It’s my basic human rights to put the lives of everyone around me at risk.”
“The problem is everyone today is too soft,” explained Greg. “Why, back in my day we didn’t have killer viruses. We just got on with life. And even though I didn’t live through either of the World Wars, the Spanish Flu, or an economic depression, I still like to think that my upbringing during the most prosperous period mankind has ever seen was unfairly tough, and that everyone born since the 90s are a bunch of snowflakes. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, I am afraid of a piece of cloth.”
“Besides it only affects old people,” continued Greg, “being 55 that clearly doesn’t include me, and it only kills 1% of people who catch it, so that’ll only be like, 78 million people dead and 390 million people left with serious lifelong medical conditions if we don’t try to contain this thing and if everyone only catches it once despite immunity only lasting three months and the virus not being seasonal. But hey at the end of the day, if I die I die. Sure I’ll probably also infect others in the process, who will then continue to pass on the virus to others until thousands if not millions are dead because of my actions, but germ theory doesn’t apply to me because I’m convinced I’m the lead character in my life story which makes me invincible.”
“Anyway, I’m off to the shops. Gotta pick up some cold and flu tablets to deal with this nasty cough I seem to have picked up somewhere.”


thechaser--2020-08-04--Team of Sydneysiders deployed to Melbourne to help them live in city with no nightlife

A SWAT team of Sydneysiders have been deployed to Melbourne overnight to help Melburnians adjust to what it ’ s like to live in a city where fun is banned .
Under Stage 4 restrictions , Melburnians are confined to their houses and unable to go out at night , which makes living in Melbourne almost exactly like living in Sydney during normal times .
The team of Sydneysiders were deployed after the Victorian government reported a surge in complaints from Melburnians that there was no night life anymore .
“ We had to act fast to find experts from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ extremely uncultural , boring existence , with nothing to do at night , ” Premier Daniel Andrews told reporters at his daily press briefing .
“ Essentially we had to find the worst city in the world .
Turns out — it ’ s right here in Australia !
” But the Sydneysiders are struggling to understand some of the problems that Melburnians are facing .
“ We had to find out what they meant by ‘ live music ’ , ” said one mystified Sydneysider .
“ As soon as we found @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them that in some parts of the world , there ’ s no such thing as live music , nor whatever dancing is .
We tried playing them the theme tune to Queen of the Nile instead , but they didn ’ t like it.
” The Sydneysiders have instead been teaching Melburnians displacement therapy to cope with their lack of anything interesting to do .
“ We ’ ve been concentrating on phrases like ‘ well at least we ’ ve got a beautiful city ’ and ‘ actually our coffee is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ go ’ but none of it is working .
If worst comes to worst , we can always just tell them that one of our biggest festivals is the Vivid Festival , and they ’ ll understand how lucky they are in comparison .
”

A SWAT team of Sydneysiders have been deployed to Melbourne overnight to help Melburnians adjust to what it’s like to live in a city where fun is banned.
Under Stage 4 restrictions, Melburnians are confined to their houses and unable to go out at night, which makes living in Melbourne almost exactly like living in Sydney during normal times.
The team of Sydneysiders were deployed after the Victorian government reported a surge in complaints from Melburnians that there was no night life anymore. “We had to act fast to find experts from somewhere that was used to leading an extremely uncultural, boring existence, with nothing to do at night,” Premier Daniel Andrews told reporters at his daily press briefing. “Essentially we had to find the worst city in the world. Turns out — it’s right here in Australia!”
But the Sydneysiders are struggling to understand some of the problems that Melburnians are facing. “We had to find out what they meant by ‘live music’,” said one mystified Sydneysider. “As soon as we found out, we had to explain to them that in some parts of the world, there’s no such thing as live music, nor whatever dancing is. We tried playing them the theme tune to Queen of the Nile instead, but they didn’t like it.”
The Sydneysiders have instead been teaching Melburnians displacement therapy to cope with their lack of anything interesting to do. “We’ve been concentrating on phrases like ‘well at least we’ve got a beautiful city’ and ‘actually our coffee is really good if you know where to go’ but none of it is working. If worst comes to worst, we can always just tell them that one of our biggest festivals is the Vivid Festival, and they’ll understand how lucky they are in comparison.”


thechaser--2020-08-04--News Corp demands Dan Andrews end lockdown so they can go back to complaining he isn’t doing enough

Victorian Premier and lamest ever dictator Daniel Andrews , has unsurprisingly come under fire yet again from News Corp columnists today for his handling of the coronavirus pandemic .
In today ’ s airing of grievances , News ’ s rabble of professional Karens have complained that Andrews ’ new stage-4 lockdown allegedly could be dangerous to the profitability of the industry of writing clickbait rage articles attacking everything he does .
“ This will destroy crucial Aussie work , ” ranted one contributor , “ work that is crucial so that I can buy a yacht !
The nerve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ based on ‘ expert opinions ’ in order to ‘ save lives ’ !
What about my opinion ?
When do I get a chance to be heard ?
Never !
What about my experts that think Premier Andrews should just open everything up and let people die so that millionaire executives don ’ t have to give up some of their bonuses ?
Why ignore them ?
“ As we said literally every moment we could , Stage 3 did not work and was not enough , ” they continued , “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the solution .
By not opening everything back up , Dictator Dan is attempting to stifle media criticism by reducing the number of things we can criticise him for .
But that won ’ t stop me from telling it like it is !
” “ Here at News Corp we will do our best to constantly attack everything he does .
This week we even managed to attack him for answering so many questions at his press conferences that journalists ran out of questions .
The nerve of that guy .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ NO and he is perfect in every way !
Also why hasn ’ t he accepted blame for Ruby Princess yet ?
I am so mad that I just spilled my coffee on myself , and I ’ m pretty sure that ’ s his fault too !
” In a matter of fairness , it should be pointed out that the News Corp audience may also claim that here at the Chaser we are unnecessarily harsh with our coverage of events .
However , the difference is the Chaser produces jokes that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to News Corp which produces news coverage that is a joke .

Victorian Premier and lamest ever dictator Daniel Andrews, has unsurprisingly come under fire yet again from News Corp columnists today for his handling of the coronavirus pandemic. In today’s airing of grievances, News’s rabble of professional Karens have complained that Andrews’ new stage-4 lockdown allegedly could be dangerous to the profitability of the industry of writing clickbait rage articles attacking everything he does.
“This will destroy crucial Aussie work,” ranted one contributor, “work that is crucial so that I can buy a yacht! The nerve of Dictator Dan to impose such rules based on ‘expert opinions’ in order to ‘save lives’! What about my opinion? When do I get a chance to be heard? Never! What about my experts that think Premier Andrews should just open everything up and let people die so that millionaire executives don’t have to give up some of their bonuses? Why ignore them?
“As we said literally every moment we could, Stage 3 did not work and was not enough,” they continued, “but going into stage 4 is not the solution. By not opening everything back up, Dictator Dan is attempting to stifle media criticism by reducing the number of things we can criticise him for. But that won’t stop me from telling it like it is!”
“Here at News Corp we will do our best to constantly attack everything he does. This week we even managed to attack him for answering so many questions at his press conferences that journalists ran out of questions. The nerve of that guy. I mean would Tony Abbott do that? NO and he is perfect in every way! Also why hasn’t he accepted blame for Ruby Princess yet? I am so mad that I just spilled my coffee on myself, and I’m pretty sure that’s his fault too!”
In a matter of fairness, it should be pointed out that the News Corp audience may also claim that here at the Chaser we are unnecessarily harsh with our coverage of events. However, the difference is the Chaser produces jokes that are covering the news, as opposed to News Corp which produces news coverage that is a joke.


thechaser--2020-08-05--Man fined for dipping into super forced to dip into super to pay fine

A man who withdrew superannuation without the proper approval has jumped right back in again to pay the fine .
Carter Smeltz originally took $ 5,000 out to pay his tax bill , thinking that because it was his money that he had earned , then stored in an account that he had chosen , and then government had made it possible to withdraw from that account , he would not be penalised for it .
But Mr Smeltz blames himself for the error .
“ It was my fault for thinking my money was mine , ” he said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a series of impenetrable media releases during a time when the news was dominated by a global pandemic.
” “ In hindsight , I should have simply kept track of the press briefings of Senator Jane Hume , the Assistant Minister for Superannuation .
I bet you nobody else made such a rookie mistake.
” “ I suppose if I had one argument it would be ‘ If I had the money to pay a fine I wouldn ’ t have taken out any super in the first place , you dickheads ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and I respect the ruling.
” “ Luckily I ’ ve still got heaps of super left , so I ’ ll just grab a bit of that .
And if I get fined again , I ’ ll just take more out .
And if I get fined for that ?
Well , you guessed it .
”

A man who withdrew superannuation without the proper approval has jumped right back in again to pay the fine. Carter Smeltz originally took $5,000 out to pay his tax bill, thinking that because it was his money that he had earned, then stored in an account that he had chosen, and then government had made it possible to withdraw from that account, he would not be penalised for it.
But Mr Smeltz blames himself for the error. “It was my fault for thinking my money was mine,” he said. “This was all explained in a series of impenetrable media releases during a time when the news was dominated by a global pandemic.”
“In hindsight, I should have simply kept track of the press briefings of Senator Jane Hume, the Assistant Minister for Superannuation. I bet you nobody else made such a rookie mistake.”
“I suppose if I had one argument it would be ‘If I had the money to pay a fine I wouldn’t have taken out any super in the first place, you dickheads’ but what’s done is done and I respect the ruling.”
“Luckily I’ve still got heaps of super left, so I’ll just grab a bit of that. And if I get fined again, I’ll just take more out. And if I get fined for that? Well, you guessed it.”


thechaser--2020-08-05--Western Sydney rap crew confirms masks have been mandatory since 2017

A Western Sydney drill collective has pointed out they have been wearing masks everywhere for the last three years .
Penrith-based group RithGang also claimed to have been mainly working from their homes over the same period , and avoiding shaking hands in favour of other greetings .
A spokesman for the group said “ Masks are a non-negotiable with us .
You have to wear one to remain in the group , and out of a state-run institution with a small bed and bad food.
” From behind the designer face covering he said that , along with masks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ half a tracksuit – “ It doesn ’ t matter which half ” – and Nike TNs .
Questioned on the public ’ s response to the early adoption , he said “ Sometimes people , like in banks and petrol stations , would ask us to take them off .
But it ’ s safety first.
” “ You always get idiots like the New South Wales Police that wish we wouldn ’ t wear them .
But it ’ s a matter of self-preservation.
” Getting uncomfortably close to this Chaser @ @ @ @ @ @ @ And covid can uck-fay off-yay too , the dog cunt .
”

A Western Sydney drill collective has pointed out they have been wearing masks everywhere for the last three years. Penrith-based group RithGang also claimed to have been mainly working from their homes over the same period, and avoiding shaking hands in favour of other greetings.
A spokesman for the group said “Masks are a non-negotiable with us. You have to wear one to remain in the group, and out of a state-run institution with a small bed and bad food.”
From behind the designer face covering he said that, along with masks, everyone had to wear at least half a tracksuit – “It doesn’t matter which half” – and Nike TNs.
Questioned on the public’s response to the early adoption, he said “Sometimes people, like in banks and petrol stations, would ask us to take them off. But it’s safety first.”
“You always get idiots like the New South Wales Police that wish we wouldn’t wear them. But it’s a matter of self-preservation.”
Getting uncomfortably close to this Chaser reporter, he finished by saying “And covid can uck-fay off-yay too, the dog cunt.”


thechaser--2020-08-05--‘Being called a Karen is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced’ says woman coming to creeping realis

A woman offended by being called a Karen is experiencing a dawning realisation that she has had an incredibly easy life .
The epithet was directed at Caron Phelps after she refused to wear a mask while berating a minimum wage worker .
It is not known who directed the slur .
Suspects include anyone who has ever interacted with her .
Phelps said “ All I said was ‘ Where ’ s my fucking piccolo ?
’ When I heard ‘ KAREN !
’ my blood ran cold .
Before that , the late piccolo thing was probably the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Phelps described a shock followed by a creeping sense that , if this was her life ’ s nadir , she might have been born into exceptional , odds-beating privilege .
“ It was strange , ” she continued .
“ I started to experience – not a feeling , exactly – but a kind of thought .
What if there were people who got talked down to and abused all the time ?
What if I was just incredibly lucky ?
What if I should recognise that and modify my behaviour @ @ @ @ @ @ @ those thoughts and instead asked to talk to the manager .

‘Being called a Karen is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced’ says woman coming to creeping realisation
A woman offended by being called a Karen is experiencing a dawning realisation that she has had an incredibly easy life.
The epithet was directed at Caron Phelps after she refused to wear a mask while berating a minimum wage worker. It is not known who directed the slur. Suspects include anyone who has ever interacted with her.
Phelps said “All I said was ‘Where’s my fucking piccolo?’ When I heard ‘KAREN!’ my blood ran cold. Before that, the late piccolo thing was probably the worst thing to ever happen to me.”
Phelps described a shock followed by a creeping sense that, if this was her life’s nadir, she might have been born into exceptional, odds-beating privilege.
“It was strange,” she continued. “I started to experience – not a feeling, exactly – but a kind of thought. What if there were people who got talked down to and abused all the time? What if I was just incredibly lucky? What if I should recognise that and modify my behaviour accordingly?”
Phelps said she dismissed those thoughts and instead asked to talk to the manager.


thechaser--2020-08-09--‘Dan Andrews is a dictator!’ bemoans man who can vote for someone else at next election without repe

Dan Andrews has been labelled as a dictator by a disgruntled man who is struggling to come to terms with Labor ’ s two democratically sanctioned election wins and the Stage Four COVID-19 restrictions literally designed to keep him alive .
“ I didn ’ t vote for this dictator , Dan Andrews , at the last two elections !
” the man loudly declared to the 16 year old Bunnings employee who had informed him Bunnings was now closed and he should be wearing a mask .
The man ’ s wife , unsurprisingly named “ Karen ” , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to Facebook before taking it down after 4 minutes , due to the backlash .
“ Dictator Dan is trying to rig the next election by keeping Victorians alive long enough to vote for him !
” screamed the man as police arrived and politely asked him to leave the closed Bunnings store .
After leaving , the man was heard telling his wife that he preferred the “ Peter Dutton ” style of leadership where the media is routinely raided for trying to expose government corruption .
A follow up social media @ @ @ @ @ @ @ followers , which included the Victorian State Opposition ’ s Legislative Assembly members and Leader whose name no one seems to know , asked “ Why on earth Victorians would legally vote in a dictator twice ?
” Most of the responses included phrases such as “ If they ’ re voting him in , he ’ s not really a dictator , is he ?
” or “ I ’ d vote for the other guy but I ’ m not even sure who he is ?
”

‘Dan Andrews is a dictator!’ bemoans man who can vote for someone else at next election without repercussion
Dan Andrews has been labelled as a dictator by a disgruntled man who is struggling to come to terms with Labor’s two democratically sanctioned election wins and the Stage Four COVID-19 restrictions literally designed to keep him alive.
“I didn’t vote for this dictator, Dan Andrews, at the last two elections!” the man loudly declared to the 16 year old Bunnings employee who had informed him Bunnings was now closed and he should be wearing a mask. The man’s wife, unsurprisingly named “Karen”, filmed the exchange, promptly uploading it to Facebook before taking it down after 4 minutes, due to the backlash.
“Dictator Dan is trying to rig the next election by keeping Victorians alive long enough to vote for him!” screamed the man as police arrived and politely asked him to leave the closed Bunnings store. After leaving, the man was heard telling his wife that he preferred the “Peter Dutton” style of leadership where the media is routinely raided for trying to expose government corruption.
A follow up social media post to the man’s 27 followers, which included the Victorian State Opposition’s Legislative Assembly members and Leader whose name no one seems to know, asked “Why on earth Victorians would legally vote in a dictator twice?” Most of the responses included phrases such as “If they’re voting him in, he’s not really a dictator, is he? ” or “I’d vote for the other guy but I’m not even sure who he is?”