thechaser--2020-04-16--Woman performing contact tracing to find who the hell lent her boyfriend a guitar

A woman is meticulously tracking whoever is responsible for an acoustic guitar being in her house .
Laura Grimble has @ @ @ @ @ her boyfriend ’ s recent contacts , working backwards to find the source of the @ @ @ @ @ one person with a guitar can piss off 5.7 other people , on average .
@ @ @ @ @ at least 1.5km distance from anyone with an acoustic guitar , or who looks like @ @ @ @ @ .
Australians who find an unfamiliar guitar in their house are advised to dispose of @ @ @ @ @ hands .
Symptoms of unwanted guitar include irritability , confusion and , occasionally , diarrhoea @ @ @ @ @ contacting boyfriend Carl Porter ’ s coworkers , family and friends and confirmed that when @ @ @ @ @ is she will “ fucking murder them .
”

A woman is meticulously tracking whoever is responsible for an acoustic guitar being in her house. Laura Grimble has made a list of all her boyfriend’s recent contacts, working backwards to find the source of the infection.
Experts believe that one person with a guitar can piss off 5.7 other people, on average. Current advice is to maintain at least 1.5km distance from anyone with an acoustic guitar, or who looks like they may be carrying one.
Australians who find an unfamiliar guitar in their house are advised to dispose of it immediately before washing their hands. Symptoms of unwanted guitar include irritability, confusion and, occasionally, diarrhoea.
Grimble said she was contacting boyfriend Carl Porter’s coworkers, family and friends and confirmed that when she finds out who it is she will “fucking murder them.”
“I hope it’s Greg,” she added.


thechaser--2020-04-15--V’Landys backs down: NRL to return just for Mad Monday

The NRL has said it will come back for the most important date in the calendar before disappearing again until @ @ @ @ @ V ’ Landys confirmed the move , saying that players have agreed to hit the @ @ @ @ @ a maximum of three days .
They will then re-enter isolation until restrictions are formally @ @ @ @ @ said “ We need to give the fans what they want , which is to @ @ @ @ @ pint glass before trying to lift up a bus full of elderly Korean tourists .
@ @ @ @ @ , they will need to be back in isolation before midnight on the third day.
@ @ @ @ @ , many will lose at least one shoe.
” Hospitality groups have welcomed the move @ @ @ @ @ cocaine dealers do up to 25 % of their annual trade during those three days @ @ @ @ @ for Uber said the shit they find in the back of their cars after Mad @ @ @ @ @ ’ annual holiday .

The NRL has said it will come back for the most important date in the calendar before disappearing again until next year. Chairman Peter V’Landys confirmed the move, saying that players have agreed to hit the piss on September 14th for a maximum of three days. They will then re-enter isolation until restrictions are formally relaxed.
V’Landys said “We need to give the fans what they want, which is to see Wade Graham eat a pint glass before trying to lift up a bus full of elderly Korean tourists. But, just like Cinderella, they will need to be back in isolation before midnight on the third day.”
“Also like Cinderella, many will lose at least one shoe.”
Hospitality groups have welcomed the move, saying that pubs and cocaine dealers do up to 25% of their annual trade during those three days in September. A spokesman for Uber said the shit they find in the back of their cars after Mad Monday pays for most drivers’ annual holiday.


thechaser--2020-04-15--Pell making a big deal of undoing his cassock in McDonald’s urinal

Cardinal George Pell has been conspicuously taking a long time to open his robes before having a piss in McDonald ’ s , a source has confirmed .
Brett Bartlett reported arriving at the urinal before noticing the elderly cleric in his Eucharistic vestments next to him .
As Bartlett began to relieve himself he recounted the churchman loudly exclaiming “ Thirty-nine buttons .
Quite a lot !
A cincture as well .
Phew !
There ’ s no way I could be doing this any quicker , no siree .
I ’ m actually embarrassed you ’ re here @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to do this any faster.
” Pell then reportedly turned to the 47-year-old roofer , who was at the restaurant to pick up a Family Feast box , and said “ All this just to go for a piss .
What was that , about ninety seconds ?
Probably more.
” Bartlett reported hearing Cardinal Pell shout out “ They ’ re bloody heavy as well ” as he left the bathroom .
Speaking from the car park , Bartlett said “ I ’ m not saying he could have gone any faster @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to decide .
”

Cardinal George Pell has been conspicuously taking a long time to open his robes before having a piss in McDonald’s, a source has confirmed. Brett Bartlett reported arriving at the urinal before noticing the elderly cleric in his Eucharistic vestments next to him.
As Bartlett began to relieve himself he recounted the churchman loudly exclaiming “Thirty-nine buttons. Quite a lot! A cincture as well. Phew! There’s no way I could be doing this any quicker, no siree. I’m actually embarrassed you’re here to see just how impossible it is to do this any faster.”
Pell then reportedly turned to the 47-year-old roofer, who was at the restaurant to pick up a Family Feast box, and said “All this just to go for a piss. What was that, about ninety seconds? Probably more.”
Bartlett reported hearing Cardinal Pell shout out “They’re bloody heavy as well” as he left the bathroom.
Speaking from the car park, Bartlett said “I’m not saying he could have gone any faster. That would be for a court to decide.”


thechaser--2020-04-14--Morrison announces Covid-19 vaccine found, next year

The Morrison government has today proudly proclaimed that the nation ’ s problems are solved , after the Liberal party successfully found a vaccine for Coronavirus sometime early next year .
“ We are proud to announce today we have cured the virus , ” announced Morrison confidently today .
“ And we look forward to distributing it as soon as it ’ s invented.
” However , journalists were sceptical about this cure , with some pointing out that Morrison hadn ’ t actually fixed anything , and in actual fact many things could change between now and next @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cure .
“ Look , I don ’ t know what you ’ re all complaining about , we cured it , it ’ s cured , next year , ” explained a frustrated Morrison .
“ It couldn ’ t be any simpler , we fixed it , in the future , so all of us are now cured next year.
” Asked if this was just going to turn out like the budget surplus that the government had in the future that didn ’ t actually happen , Morrison excused himself @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the future and so he ’ s got a flight to Hawaii to catch .

The Morrison government has today proudly proclaimed that the nation’s problems are solved, after the Liberal party successfully found a vaccine for Coronavirus sometime early next year.
“We are proud to announce today we have cured the virus,” announced Morrison confidently today. “And we look forward to distributing it as soon as it’s invented.”
However, journalists were sceptical about this cure, with some pointing out that Morrison hadn’t actually fixed anything, and in actual fact many things could change between now and next year that might prevent or delay a cure. “Look, I don’t know what you’re all complaining about, we cured it, it’s cured, next year,” explained a frustrated Morrison. “It couldn’t be any simpler, we fixed it, in the future, so all of us are now cured next year.”
Asked if this was just going to turn out like the budget surplus that the government had in the future that didn’t actually happen, Morrison excused himself explaining that it was Christmas holidays in the future and so he’s got a flight to Hawaii to catch.


thechaser--2020-04-14--Local woman so bored she’s now reading the 12 paragraph online recipe introductions

Online recipe sites are reporting traffic is surging by up to 80 % in the past week , as incredibly bored people across the world look for even the most dull forms of distraction possible from their months of self isolation .
Showing just how desperate they really are , many recipe seekers have now even taken to reading the novellas at the start of each recipe , instead of just frustratedly shouting at the screen to ‘ get to the point ’ .
“ Yea I even read the whole backstory about how the jam scones remind the author @ @ @ @ @ @ @ getaway to Shropshire where they found and adopted a small parakeet.
” explained one recipe seeker as she scrolled through twitter for the eight time that hour .
“ In that cause they actually completely forgot to include the recipe but by the seventeenth paragraph I was so enthralled by the car case scene I had completely forgotten I ’ d even gone there to cook something.
” Others however , are passing the time in different ways , with some deciding to learn another language , by reading all the instructions on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in all the different languages .
“ I ’ ve learned how to say ‘ not for individual sale ’ in over twelve languages !
” exclaimed one woman , “ God , I hope this means the Duolingo owl will finally let my family go .
”

Online recipe sites are reporting traffic is surging by up to 80% in the past week, as incredibly bored people across the world look for even the most dull forms of distraction possible from their months of self isolation. Showing just how desperate they really are, many recipe seekers have now even taken to reading the novellas at the start of each recipe, instead of just frustratedly shouting at the screen to ‘get to the point’.
“Yea I even read the whole backstory about how the jam scones remind the author of her estranged husband and their romantic getaway to Shropshire where they found and adopted a small parakeet.” explained one recipe seeker as she scrolled through twitter for the eight time that hour. “In that cause they actually completely forgot to include the recipe but by the seventeenth paragraph I was so enthralled by the car case scene I had completely forgotten I’d even gone there to cook something.”
Others however, are passing the time in different ways, with some deciding to learn another language, by reading all the instructions on the backs of their packets and bottles in all the different languages. “I’ve learned how to say ‘not for individual sale’ in over twelve languages!” exclaimed one woman, “God, I hope this means the Duolingo owl will finally let my family go.”


thechaser--2020-04-14--ABC announces it will punish reporters who criticised Pell, by moving them to another parish

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation has today apologised to the Catholic church over their reporting of the fact that one of their most senior members had been convicted of molesting children , admitting they should have been more like the Church and just ignored such claims and covered them up .
“ We ’ re very sorry to Cardinal Pell , and anyone who was hurt by our reporting of the facts of his case after they were released publicly , ” explained the ABC via an official statement on their website .
“ We would also like to take this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have very rightly lambasted us for reporting on the conviction after the court suppression order expired .
We clearly should have been more like them and respectfully not besmirched Pell ’ s image by simply running multiple front page stories alluding to the trial while it was still ongoing.
” Asked how they would be paying reparations for the damage they have done to Pell ’ s previously untainted image , the ABC say they will be doling out the harshest possible punishment to those who overstepped the line – by moving those @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then continuing to allow them to do the thing they got in trouble for .
“ We think this is the best and most appropriate response given the circumstances , ” explained the ABC , “ and we ’ re sure the Church will agree .
”

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation has today apologised to the Catholic church over their reporting of the fact that one of their most senior members had been convicted of molesting children, admitting they should have been more like the Church and just ignored such claims and covered them up.
“We’re very sorry to Cardinal Pell, and anyone who was hurt by our reporting of the facts of his case after they were released publicly,” explained the ABC via an official statement on their website. “We would also like to take this opportunity to apologise to News Corporation who have very rightly lambasted us for reporting on the conviction after the court suppression order expired. We clearly should have been more like them and respectfully not besmirched Pell’s image by simply running multiple front page stories alluding to the trial while it was still ongoing.”
Asked how they would be paying reparations for the damage they have done to Pell’s previously untainted image, the ABC say they will be doling out the harshest possible punishment to those who overstepped the line – by moving those reporters to a slightly different location and then continuing to allow them to do the thing they got in trouble for. “We think this is the best and most appropriate response given the circumstances,” explained the ABC, “and we’re sure the Church will agree.”


thechaser--2020-04-14--“Stop wanting something for nothing” humphs landlord who gets tax break for nothing

A landlord has chastised his tenants for wanting a reduction on their rent , advising them to “ stop wanting something for nothing.
” The landlord , who negatively gears the investment property , gets a massive tax break on his income tax bill for having done nothing .
The landlord bought the four-bedroom sharehouse back in 2007 , when interest rates were at 7 % .
Since then , the interest repayments on his properties have halved without him having to do anything at all .
The drop in interest rates has also led to a property boom , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ properties , without him doing anything .
During that time , the landlord ’ s property has benefited from improvements in the schools , hospitals and roads around it , lifting the underlying value of the properties , but thanks to effective tax planning , he has paid nothing towards those services .
But the landlord claims that none of that is relevant .
“ It ’ s not my fault you ’ re all out of jobs , ” he told the tenants who are also not at fault for being out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is that you bear the entire economic cost of this problem , ” he said , adding , “ Remember , we ’ re all in this together.
” The landlord claims that if the tenants receive a reduction in rent , he would be left virtually penniless , except for the three properties he owns .
The tenants are currently actually penniless .

“Stop wanting something for nothing” humphs landlord who gets tax break for nothing
A landlord has chastised his tenants for wanting a reduction on their rent, advising them to “stop wanting something for nothing.” The landlord, who negatively gears the investment property, gets a massive tax break on his income tax bill for having done nothing.
The landlord bought the four-bedroom sharehouse back in 2007, when interest rates were at 7%. Since then, the interest repayments on his properties have halved without him having to do anything at all.
The drop in interest rates has also led to a property boom, more than doubling the price of his properties, without him doing anything.
During that time, the landlord’s property has benefited from improvements in the schools, hospitals and roads around it, lifting the underlying value of the properties, but thanks to effective tax planning, he has paid nothing towards those services.
But the landlord claims that none of that is relevant. “It’s not my fault you’re all out of jobs,” he told the tenants who are also not at fault for being out of a job.
“My solution is that you bear the entire economic cost of this problem,” he said, adding, “Remember, we’re all in this together.”
The landlord claims that if the tenants receive a reduction in rent, he would be left virtually penniless, except for the three properties he owns. The tenants are currently actually penniless.


thechaser--2020-04-14--“We should end lockdowns as people aren’t dying” says man who doesn’t seem to understand why people

“We should end lockdowns as people aren’t dying” says man who doesn’t seem to understand why people aren’t dying

Local psychopath and part time economist John Johnson has today called for the immediate end of all lockdowns and a return to normal life after the hospitals failed to be over-run for some mysterious reason .
“ Clearly the lockdowns are pointless , ” John exclaimed via his column in a national masthead .
“ The only reason we made everyone stay indoors was to avoid the virus spreading , but now it hasn ’ t spread at all so what was even the point ?
” However when it was pointed out that maybe that was just a sign @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that we should continue them , John was unconvinced .
“ Nonsense , if that were the case we ’ d see examples of that from overseas !
” claimed John as he photoshopped America , Korea , Italy , China and Japan off the map .
“ And besides even if a few people died , they ’ d only be my grandparents , the elderly , the immunocompromised , and people with pre-existing conditions which I am more than happy to decide to sacrifice on their behalf so I don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the next six months.
” “ After all , I ’ m sure if we just go back to normal the economy will bound back and everything will be fine , ” explained John .
“ No sense using this as an opportunity to mass reskill our workforce in IT while providing them with a 12 month UBI , who in the world would think that was a good idea .
God what kind of economist would prefer that over just killing a bunch of people so we could return to a previous @ @ @ @ @ @ @ exist anymore but where I was comfortable and didn ’ t have to make any sacrifices ?
” “ I know which one I ’ d choose .
”

Local psychopath and part time economist John Johnson has today called for the immediate end of all lockdowns and a return to normal life after the hospitals failed to be over-run for some mysterious reason.
“Clearly the lockdowns are pointless,” John exclaimed via his column in a national masthead. “The only reason we made everyone stay indoors was to avoid the virus spreading, but now it hasn’t spread at all so what was even the point?”
However when it was pointed out that maybe that was just a sign that the lockins were working, and that we should continue them, John was unconvinced. “Nonsense, if that were the case we’d see examples of that from overseas!” claimed John as he photoshopped America, Korea, Italy, China and Japan off the map. “And besides even if a few people died, they’d only be my grandparents, the elderly, the immunocompromised, and people with pre-existing conditions which I am more than happy to decide to sacrifice on their behalf so I don’t have to be minority inconvenienced for the next six months.”
“After all, I’m sure if we just go back to normal the economy will bound back and everything will be fine,” explained John. “No sense using this as an opportunity to mass reskill our workforce in IT while providing them with a 12 month UBI, who in the world would think that was a good idea. God what kind of economist would prefer that over just killing a bunch of people so we could return to a previous global economic model which doesn’t exist anymore but where I was comfortable and didn’t have to make any sacrifices?”
“I know which one I’d choose.”


thechaser--2020-04-13--Nation suffers internet outage after someone at NBN HQ makes phonecall on the landline

The nation ’ s internet backbone was taken offline for over an hour today , after Stacey at NBN HQ needed to call her friend Jessica on the landline to tell her about what Emmily did in maths class .
“ Oh my god , stop freaking out you nerds , I ’ ll only be like 10 minutes !
” Stacey told the nation after they complained to Mr Morrison that Stacey was hogging the phone line .
“ You all have been using the internet all day for your stupid video games , it ’ s my turn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stating that he and Jenny had already told the nation that they had been on the computer too much today , and suggested they instead go outside to kick a ball around or something to get some fresh air .
“ Oh my god you ’ re so boring , you all suck !
” replied the annoyed nation .
“ I ’ m playing an online game , I can ’ t just save it and come back later .
Why can ’ t we get better internet like the cool kids @ @ @ @ @ @ @ parents let them use the computer all the time and they can use the phone at the same time.
” However , Mr Morrison has stood strong , explaining that Grandpa Rupert has his Foxtel linked to the nation ’ s internet plan so they can ’ t upgrade at the moment and we ’ ll all have to make do .
Told by the nation that he was the worst dad ever , Morrison was unapologetic .
“ Nation , I ’ m sorry , but you ’ ve had several minutes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Katharine hasn ’ t had a go on the phone today .
I ’ m happy to let you return to your internet later , but let ’ s just keep it civil .
Katharine.
” Update : Australia is now sulking in their bedrooms and using their mobile internet instead .

The nation’s internet backbone was taken offline for over an hour today, after Stacey at NBN HQ needed to call her friend Jessica on the landline to tell her about what Emmily did in maths class.
“Oh my god, stop freaking out you nerds, I’ll only be like 10 minutes!” Stacey told the nation after they complained to Mr Morrison that Stacey was hogging the phone line. “You all have been using the internet all day for your stupid video games, it’s my turn!”
Prime Minister Morrison agreed, stating that he and Jenny had already told the nation that they had been on the computer too much today, and suggested they instead go outside to kick a ball around or something to get some fresh air. “Oh my god you’re so boring, you all suck!” replied the annoyed nation. “I’m playing an online game, I can’t just save it and come back later. Why can’t we get better internet like the cool kids in America and New Zealand? Their parents let them use the computer all the time and they can use the phone at the same time.”
However, Mr Morrison has stood strong, explaining that Grandpa Rupert has his Foxtel linked to the nation’s internet plan so they can’t upgrade at the moment and we’ll all have to make do.
Told by the nation that he was the worst dad ever, Morrison was unapologetic. “Nation, I’m sorry, but you’ve had several minutes of internet already,” Morrison explained. “Katharine hasn’t had a go on the phone today. I’m happy to let you return to your internet later, but let’s just keep it civil. Katharine.”
Update: Australia is now sulking in their bedrooms and using their mobile internet instead.


thechaser--2020-04-13--“What are all these people doing at Bunnings?” rages man at Bunnings

Local shopper Greg Stocfoto has today expressed surprise and outrage upon turning up to his local Bunnings to discover the shop packed with people .
“ What are all these people doing here , don ’ t they know we ’ re in lockdown !
” Greg posted to Facebook .
“ God , don ’ t these people know I ’ m the only one exempt from the rules ?
” However , Greg was quickly surprised to learn that he is in fact the same as everyone else , and his presence at Bunnings was just contributing to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mean , ” asked a shocked Greg as he was fined by police .
“ Why am I being fined but all these other people aren ’ t ?
They ’ re the ones breaking the rules !
” However , police were adamant that Greg ’ s need to purchase a new set of screwdrivers was not essential , especially given Bunnings home deliver and he ’ s had three years to fix that wonky door before the pandemic kicked off .
“ The fact is that unfortunately the virus doesn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they need to buy a new flyscreen or some new tap handles , ” explained officer Clive Pugh .
“ In fact , if anything the virus seems to specifically target people who gather in busy places , going by the numbers coming out of Bondi .
I know that might sound like crazy pseudo-science but we ’ re actually starting to think the best solution to fighting this thing might be to just stay home , though unfortunately the only evidence we have for this is every single other country that has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if you ’ ll excuse me my shift ’ s just ended and I have to get to Kmart before the crowds arrive .
Unlike them , my ‘ live , laugh , love ‘ pillows are essential .
”

Local shopper Greg Stocfoto has today expressed surprise and outrage upon turning up to his local Bunnings to discover the shop packed with people. “What are all these people doing here, don’t they know we’re in lockdown!” Greg posted to Facebook. “God, don’t these people know I’m the only one exempt from the rules?”
However, Greg was quickly surprised to learn that he is in fact the same as everyone else, and his presence at Bunnings was just contributing to the crowd. “What do you mean,” asked a shocked Greg as he was fined by police. “Why am I being fined but all these other people aren’t? They’re the ones breaking the rules!”
However, police were adamant that Greg’s need to purchase a new set of screwdrivers was not essential, especially given Bunnings home deliver and he’s had three years to fix that wonky door before the pandemic kicked off. “The fact is that unfortunately the virus doesn’t just stop infecting people the moment they need to buy a new flyscreen or some new tap handles,” explained officer Clive Pugh. “In fact, if anything the virus seems to specifically target people who gather in busy places, going by the numbers coming out of Bondi. I know that might sound like crazy pseudo-science but we’re actually starting to think the best solution to fighting this thing might be to just stay home, though unfortunately the only evidence we have for this is every single other country that has already been over-run.”
“Anyway, if you’ll excuse me my shift’s just ended and I have to get to Kmart before the crowds arrive. Unlike them, my ‘live, laugh, love‘ pillows are essential.”


thechaser--2020-04-12--Pell spotted dressed up as Easter Bunny trying to lure kids with chocolate eggs

Disgraced Cardinal George Pell has been spotted outside St Mary ’ s Cathedral in Sydney , dressed up as the @ @ @ @ @ lure passing kids with chocolate eggs .
When confronted , Pell claimed this was exactly @ @ @ @ @ Catholic Church had been doing for years .
He then claimed the “ ceremonial robes @ @ @ @ @ up in meant he couldn ’ t possibly do anything untoward with any of the @ @ @ @ @ The Catholic Church has backed Pell ’ s claims , and has asked anyone accusing @ @ @ @ @ Non-Disclosure Agreement .
The police said that they were going to issue Pell with a @ @ @ @ @ the lockdown restrictions , but then they realised he was a rich , white man @ @ @ @ @ with a warning .
The Pope tweeted that he approved of Pell ’ s actions @ @ @ @ @ the Easter Bunny to try and lure kids is exactly the sort of thing Jesus @ @ @ @ @

Pell spotted dressed up as Easter Bunny trying to lure kids with chocolate eggs
Disgraced Cardinal George Pell has been spotted outside St Mary’s Cathedral in Sydney, dressed up as the Easter Bunny, attempting to lure passing kids with chocolate eggs.
When confronted, Pell claimed this was exactly the sort of thing the Catholic Church had been doing for years. He then claimed the “ceremonial robes” that he was dressed up in meant he couldn’t possibly do anything untoward with any of the children he had lured.
The Catholic Church has backed Pell’s claims, and has asked anyone accusing Pell to sign a strict Non-Disclosure Agreement.
The police said that they were going to issue Pell with a $1000 fine for breaching the lockdown restrictions, but then they realised he was a rich, white man and so let him off with a warning.
The Pope tweeted that he approved of Pell’s actions. “Dressing up as the Easter Bunny to try and lure kids is exactly the sort of thing Jesus would have done.”


thechaser--2020-04-11--Bad news for New Zealand: Jacinda Ardern so successful she’s now legally Australian

New Zealand has been thrown into chaos today , as Australian special forces swooped in and extracted Jacinda Ardern from the country during the dead of night , following her ascension to Australian citizenship this week .
“ I ’ m afraid that ’ s just how things go , ” explained Prime Minister Scott Morrison today .
“ I don ’ t make the rules .
When a New Zealander reaches a certain level of success they just automatically become Australians , that ’ s just part of life and no virus or economic downturn can change that fact.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ a string of New Zealand nationals who have accidentally become Australian by being too successful .
Others have included Russel Crowe , John Clarke , and Keith Urban , the last of which many Australians would like to give back .
New Zealand isn ’ t the only country thrown into chaos following the news , with Australia also now facing another round of chaos due to the importation of a second Prime Minister .
“ God I thought we were done with leadership spills now that we ’ ve plumbed to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ country , ” explained one Australian local Bruce Chunder .
“ You know when they didn ’ t roll the Prime Minister after his jaunt to Hawaii during the bushfires I figured we ’ d finally run out of candidates .
But now Ardern ’ s in the country , I think we ’ re going to have to have another leadership spill , or leadershup spull as they call it .
I mean , we can hardly just let that amount of talent go to waste now can we ?
Otherwise she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sitting around all day , and we ’ d have to demote her back to being a Kiwi again .
”

New Zealand has been thrown into chaos today, as Australian special forces swooped in and extracted Jacinda Ardern from the country during the dead of night, following her ascension to Australian citizenship this week.
“I’m afraid that’s just how things go,” explained Prime Minister Scott Morrison today. “I don’t make the rules. When a New Zealander reaches a certain level of success they just automatically become Australians, that’s just part of life and no virus or economic downturn can change that fact.”
Ardern is just the lastest in a string of New Zealand nationals who have accidentally become Australian by being too successful. Others have included Russel Crowe, John Clarke, and Keith Urban, the last of which many Australians would like to give back.
New Zealand isn’t the only country thrown into chaos following the news, with Australia also now facing another round of chaos due to the importation of a second Prime Minister. “God I thought we were done with leadership spills now that we’ve plumbed to the bottom of the political barrel in this country,” explained one Australian local Bruce Chunder. “You know when they didn’t roll the Prime Minister after his jaunt to Hawaii during the bushfires I figured we’d finally run out of candidates. But now Ardern’s in the country, I think we’re going to have to have another leadership spill, or leadershup spull as they call it. I mean, we can hardly just let that amount of talent go to waste now can we? Otherwise she’d just be some average citizen sitting around all day, and we’d have to demote her back to being a Kiwi again.”


thechaser--2020-04-10--Local man can’t wait for COVID cure so he can get back to spending all day inside on couch

Local gamer Max Cromie has today announced that he is completely over the lockins , which have upset his daily @ @ @ @ @ sprawled on the couch watching Netflix and playing video games , while feasting on takeaway @ @ @ @ @ his housemates now also want to do the same thing .
“ It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ Max .
“ I ’ ve even had to start doing household chores and going @ @ @ @ @ to get a bit of time to myself .
The quarantine has really improved my @ @ @ @ @ possible.
” “ I ’ ve also had to start dressing better and doing my @ @ @ @ @ s always people around the house , ” continued Max .
“ I ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ ve been talking to friends and family on the phone regularly .
It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ Can ’ t wait to get back to spending all my time locked indoors isolated @ @ @ @

Local man can’t wait for COVID cure so he can get back to spending all day inside on couch
Local gamer Max Cromie has today announced that he is completely over the lockins, which have upset his daily routine of spending 14 hours sprawled on the couch watching Netflix and playing video games, while feasting on takeaway, because it means that his housemates now also want to do the same thing.
“It’s been awful,” explained Max. “I’ve even had to start doing household chores and going for the occasional walk outside to get a bit of time to myself. The quarantine has really improved my life in the worst way possible.”
“I’ve also had to start dressing better and doing my hair, because there’s always people around the house,” continued Max. “I’ve been socialising. I’ve been talking to friends and family on the phone regularly. It’s awful, just awful. Can’t wait to get back to spending all my time locked indoors isolated from everyone.”


thechaser--2020-04-10--Scientists warn 5G may cause people to believe stupid conspiracy theories

Scientists have warned that reading or hearing about the new 5G network can cause increased levels of stupidity in those exposed to it .
The study found that even acquiring second or third-hand knowledge about the technology could result in believing all sorts of bollocks , from the belief that it causes the Coronavirus , to the idea that radiowaves which already exist all around you might somehow become dangerous if they contain the internet .
The phenomenon disproportionally affects heavy Facebook users , suburban divorcees , celebrity chefs , and ex-Hollywood stars who did their first tab of acid @ @ @ @ @ @ @ include spewing bullshit over social media and can progress to alienating all your family members and being uninvited from Christmas again .
Lead scientist Dr Vernon Lunk said “ Far from being harmless , the 5G network can turn otherwise mildly gullible people into full-blown conspiracists .
Even in areas that don ’ t currently have access , people hearing about it have experienced symptoms like talking a load of bullshit and believing stuff a child would discount.
” Retired hardware store owner Terry Schooners claimed that after hearing about 5G he now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ already-existing technology could give him coronavirus , deplete his sperm count and turn his dog bisexual .

Scientists have warned that reading or hearing about the new 5G network can cause increased levels of stupidity in those exposed to it. The study found that even acquiring second or third-hand knowledge about the technology could result in believing all sorts of bollocks, from the belief that it causes the Coronavirus, to the idea that radiowaves which already exist all around you might somehow become dangerous if they contain the internet.
The phenomenon disproportionally affects heavy Facebook users, suburban divorcees, celebrity chefs, and ex-Hollywood stars who did their first tab of acid before they were 15. Secondary effects include spewing bullshit over social media and can progress to alienating all your family members and being uninvited from Christmas again.
Lead scientist Dr Vernon Lunk said “Far from being harmless, the 5G network can turn otherwise mildly gullible people into full-blown conspiracists. Even in areas that don’t currently have access, people hearing about it have experienced symptoms like talking a load of bullshit and believing stuff a child would discount.”
Retired hardware store owner Terry Schooners claimed that after hearing about 5G he now believed that the slight alteration to an already-existing technology could give him coronavirus, deplete his sperm count and turn his dog bisexual.


thechaser--2020-04-09--Second coming ends prematurely as Jesus killed in American airstrike

Syria , Sunday : The second coming has ended prematurely this week after Jesus Christ become the latest casualty of fighting in the Middle East .
Witnesses on the ground are reporting that a man claiming to be the son of God was killed after his message of peace failed to deter an American carpet bombing campaign against Syrian anti-anti-pro-Assad supporters .
Jesus ’ s father , God , and close relative , the Holy Spirit , have both expressed grief at the death .
“ I told him that the middle east was too dangerous nowadays , ” said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wrong about things like this , or anything in fact .
But do you think he would listen to his father ?
Course not.
” Though originally reincarnated in his original birthplace in Bethlehem , the messiah reportedly moved on quickly after finding the area had lost “ all its 1st century charm ” from when he grew up there , having been “ ruined by all these bloody tourists ” .
Leaving Israel , Jesus instead reportedly moved on to neighboring Syria , where he felt his message of peace and unity @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this decision proved to be short sighted , with the son of god quickly becoming overwhelmed with the sheer complexity of the dispute .
“ I thought I could just waltz in there , turn some water into Mountain Dew and before you know it everyone would be getting along , ” said Jesus three days after being bombed to death .
“ Boy if I ’ d known how difficult it would be to get two opposing sides to even talk to each other I probably would have stayed in Israel and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thing instead.
” A version of this story first appeared in Edition 50 of the Chaser Newspaper , 2002

Syria, Sunday: The second coming has ended prematurely this week after Jesus Christ become the latest casualty of fighting in the Middle East. Witnesses on the ground are reporting that a man claiming to be the son of God was killed after his message of peace failed to deter an American carpet bombing campaign against Syrian anti-anti-pro-Assad supporters.
Jesus’s father, God, and close relative, the Holy Spirit, have both expressed grief at the death.
“I told him that the middle east was too dangerous nowadays,” said God. “I’m never wrong about things like this, or anything in fact. But do you think he would listen to his father? Course not.”
Though originally reincarnated in his original birthplace in Bethlehem, the messiah reportedly moved on quickly after finding the area had lost “all its 1st century charm” from when he grew up there, having been “ruined by all these bloody tourists”.
Leaving Israel, Jesus instead reportedly moved on to neighboring Syria, where he felt his message of peace and unity was more urgently needed. However, this decision proved to be short sighted, with the son of god quickly becoming overwhelmed with the sheer complexity of the dispute. “I thought I could just waltz in there, turn some water into Mountain Dew and before you know it everyone would be getting along,” said Jesus three days after being bombed to death. “Boy if I’d known how difficult it would be to get two opposing sides to even talk to each other I probably would have stayed in Israel and just try to solve the whole Palestine thing instead.”
A version of this story first appeared in Edition 50 of the Chaser Newspaper, 2002


thechaser--2020-04-09--“Protection for floor staff too expensive” announces CEO from his fortified private office

Supermarket and fastfood CEOs have today bravely declared that their staff will go without protective shielding , masks , gloves , or eye-coverings , stating that he had decided they are willing to risk their lives if it means helping the company save a few dollars .
“ As profits surge from weeks of bulk buying , our shareholders have come together to agree that it is in everybody ’ s best interests that these profits are not wasted on frivolous things like our employees health and safety , ” announced one such CEO today .
“ I assure you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s many employees , I feel perfectly safe in my second-storey private office in a secure building with filtered air conditioning.
” However , staff on the floor say they do not entirely agree , with many suggesting that they would rather not die for a job which barely pays them enough to cover rent each week .
“ Yeah , look man , I just do this to cover my car-repayments , ” explained one university student who works nightfill at his local Woolworths .
“ Nobody said anything about potentially @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pasta restocked every 5 minutes .
Hell , I can ’ t even afford heath insurance with the wages this place pays .
What makes them think they have the right to demand I put my life on the line ?
” Asked whether it was fair to be making these decisions on behalf of employees when his own life was not at risk , CEO Greg Heartless said making difficult decisions about costs was just one of the many sad but necessary parts of his job , before ordering that all the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ $ 100,000 a year personal office , and a much less effective sanitiser alternative be shipped out to floor staff.
” “ That should fix it , ” explained Greg .
“ I sure hope a union doesn ’ t discover this and raise hell .
”

Supermarket and fastfood CEOs have today bravely declared that their staff will go without protective shielding, masks, gloves, or eye-coverings, stating that he had decided they are willing to risk their lives if it means helping the company save a few dollars.
“As profits surge from weeks of bulk buying, our shareholders have come together to agree that it is in everybody’s best interests that these profits are not wasted on frivolous things like our employees health and safety,” announced one such CEO today. “I assure you, as one of the supermarket chain’s many employees, I feel perfectly safe in my second-storey private office in a secure building with filtered air conditioning.”
However, staff on the floor say they do not entirely agree, with many suggesting that they would rather not die for a job which barely pays them enough to cover rent each week. “Yeah, look man, I just do this to cover my car-repayments,” explained one university student who works nightfill at his local Woolworths. “Nobody said anything about potentially catching pneumonia because some Karen wants her pasta restocked every 5 minutes. Hell, I can’t even afford heath insurance with the wages this place pays. What makes them think they have the right to demand I put my life on the line?”
Asked whether it was fair to be making these decisions on behalf of employees when his own life was not at risk, CEO Greg Heartless said making difficult decisions about costs was just one of the many sad but necessary parts of his job, before ordering that all the good alcohol handwash be hoarded in his $100,000 a year personal office, and a much less effective sanitiser alternative be shipped out to floor staff.”
“That should fix it,” explained Greg. “I sure hope a union doesn’t discover this and raise hell.”


thechaser--2020-04-09--Local man dreams of spending today in traffic instead of relaxing at home with loved ones

Local homeworker Jeff Barker has today expressed sadness that he will be unable to spend two of the four days of the easter long weekend sitting in bumper to bumper traffic as he tries to travel up the coast for a relaxing holiday .
“ I was really looking forward to spending some relaxing time with my husband and kids , ” explained Jeff .
“ You know , by forcing them all to sit with me in a cramped space for 16 hours as one of them begs me to pull over to find a toilet and the rest @ @ @ @ @ @ @ enjoying their free time .
But now instead we ’ re forced to sit at home entertaining each other , binge watching Netflix , playing board games , ordering takeaway , and generally vegging out .
This is not what the easter long weekend is supposed to be !
” To make up for the difference , Jeff has set up a makeshift speed-camera in his living room using a discarded camera flash and some tripwire .
“ Now every time I ’ m absentmindedly wandering through the house I can pretend I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by copping a fine for travelling too fast , and then simmering over the fact for the next three days .
This is what Easter is all about .
Well that and Jesus turning eggs into chocolate or … something along those lines .
”

Local homeworker Jeff Barker has today expressed sadness that he will be unable to spend two of the four days of the easter long weekend sitting in bumper to bumper traffic as he tries to travel up the coast for a relaxing holiday.
“I was really looking forward to spending some relaxing time with my husband and kids,” explained Jeff. “You know, by forcing them all to sit with me in a cramped space for 16 hours as one of them begs me to pull over to find a toilet and the rest silently resent me from keeping them from enjoying their free time. But now instead we’re forced to sit at home entertaining each other, binge watching Netflix, playing board games, ordering takeaway, and generally vegging out. This is not what the easter long weekend is supposed to be!”
To make up for the difference, Jeff has set up a makeshift speed-camera in his living room using a discarded camera flash and some tripwire. “Now every time I’m absentmindedly wandering through the house I can pretend I’ve accidentally ruined our entire vacation by copping a fine for travelling too fast, and then simmering over the fact for the next three days. This is what Easter is all about. Well that and Jesus turning eggs into chocolate or … something along those lines.”


thechaser--2020-04-09--Catholic gives up faith for lent

Catholic gives up faith for lent

Former devout Catholic Mary Stevens has today decided to give up for lent , following a veiled attack by the Pope on a potential victim of child abuse .
“ I ’ m sorry but that was the last straw , ” sighed Mary who has now for years been struggling to reconcile her faith with the actions of the church .
“ How in the world an organisation could claim to be acting in the spirit of Jesus while continuing to conceal the abuse of children while defending their abusers I ’ ll never know.
” However , this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s faith had been shaken , with a visit to the Vatican last year also causing her to question whether the Church was upholding the values of christianity .
“ I was so excited to visit the Holy City , ” explained Mary , “ I ’ d dreamed of it all my life .
But then to actually witness the lavish wealth that the leaders of this organisation live in , while homelessness runs rife around them and so many people have to go without .
Why in the world am I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an organisation based in a literal palace with thousands of priceless artworks and jewels , when I could be using that money to help house the poor or to provide food to the needy.
” Asked what he thought of the defection , head of the Catholic Church Goddot “ God ” Anderson said that he was non-plussed .
“ Look if you idiots actually sat down and read the bible , you ’ d notice I specifically said that the building you worship in doesn ’ t matter and all that matters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Jesus , ” he explained .
“ I never once said anything about listening to a bunch of men prancing around in dresses making up new rules , or giving a cut of your paycheck to them .
I was all about long hair , turning over the bankers tables , and hanging out with prostitutes .
Admittedly I was a bit younger and more reckless back then at only 6000 years old , but the point still stands .
If you really want to be a Christian you don ’ t need @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to Church .
You just need to stick up for the poor , love your neighbour , and occasionally get plastered on wine at a wedding .
”

Former devout Catholic Mary Stevens has today decided to give up for lent, following a veiled attack by the Pope on a potential victim of child abuse.
“I’m sorry but that was the last straw,” sighed Mary who has now for years been struggling to reconcile her faith with the actions of the church. “How in the world an organisation could claim to be acting in the spirit of Jesus while continuing to conceal the abuse of children while defending their abusers I’ll never know.”
However, this was not the first time Mary’s faith had been shaken, with a visit to the Vatican last year also causing her to question whether the Church was upholding the values of christianity. “I was so excited to visit the Holy City,” explained Mary, “I’d dreamed of it all my life. But then to actually witness the lavish wealth that the leaders of this organisation live in, while homelessness runs rife around them and so many people have to go without. Why in the world am I tithing 10% of my income to an organisation based in a literal palace with thousands of priceless artworks and jewels, when I could be using that money to help house the poor or to provide food to the needy.”
Asked what he thought of the defection, head of the Catholic Church Goddot “God” Anderson said that he was non-plussed. “Look if you idiots actually sat down and read the bible, you’d notice I specifically said that the building you worship in doesn’t matter and all that matters is that you follow the teachings of Jesus,” he explained. “I never once said anything about listening to a bunch of men prancing around in dresses making up new rules, or giving a cut of your paycheck to them. I was all about long hair, turning over the bankers tables, and hanging out with prostitutes. Admittedly I was a bit younger and more reckless back then at only 6000 years old, but the point still stands. If you really want to be a Christian you don’t need to follow the Pope or turn up to Church. You just need to stick up for the poor, love your neighbour, and occasionally get plastered on wine at a wedding.”


thechaser--2020-04-08--Married couple advised to make less time for each other

An isolating couple has been told they should devote a bit less time to one another during a Skype session with their marriage counsellor .
Ray and Janet Platt reported feeling increasingly frustrated with the amount of time they were able to spend with each other , leading counsellor Rhonda Beavis to make the suggestion .
Beavis said “ One of the main reasons for divorce is couples really , truly getting to know each other .
It ’ s important for any relationship that neither person ever lets the other in to their sordid little world .
Who knows @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to find out ?
” Ray Platt reported becoming frustrated with his wife just 10 uninterrupted minutes in her presence .
Ray said “ Janet ’ s fine in small doses .
But you wouldn ’ t want to spend a weekend camping with her.
” In response and within earshot , Janet said “ I never noticed before but Ray ’ s got this slightly weird smell about him .
It ’ s not offensive , per se , but it ’ s certainly not nice .
Also , he keeps making @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like ‘ urnnn , urnnn , urnnn ’ .
I really think we just need to rediscover what we had when we both worked 50-hour weeks and rarely saw each other .
”

An isolating couple has been told they should devote a bit less time to one another during a Skype session with their marriage counsellor. Ray and Janet Platt reported feeling increasingly frustrated with the amount of time they were able to spend with each other, leading counsellor Rhonda Beavis to make the suggestion.
Beavis said “One of the main reasons for divorce is couples really, truly getting to know each other. It’s important for any relationship that neither person ever lets the other in to their sordid little world. Who knows what the fuck they’re going to find out?”
Ray Platt reported becoming frustrated with his wife just 10 uninterrupted minutes in her presence. Ray said “Janet’s fine in small doses. But you wouldn’t want to spend a weekend camping with her.”
In response and within earshot, Janet said “I never noticed before but Ray’s got this slightly weird smell about him. It’s not offensive, per se, but it’s certainly not nice. Also, he keeps making this weird noise with his throat, like ‘urnnn, urnnn, urnnn’. I really think we just need to rediscover what we had when we both worked 50-hour weeks and rarely saw each other.”


thechaser--2020-04-08--Democrats hoping for youth vote by choosing younger, 77-year old candidate

Bernie Sanders , 78 , has admitted defeat in the 2020 Democratic Presidential primary race to enable to Democratic Party @ @ @ @ @ candidate , Joe Biden , who is just 77 year old .
The Democrats are @ @ @ @ @ a so-called “ Youth Ticket ” , which would see the vibrant 77 year old @ @ @ @ @ election .
With his opponent , President Donald Trump just 73 , Americans are now @ @ @ @ @ candidates whose cognitive decline is hardly even noticeable .
The choice of Joe Biden , @ @ @ @ @ millions of twenty-something Americans who , until , now have felt disenfranchised by the US @ @ @ @ @ , we ’ ve been left out of the political conversation in America , ” @ @ @ @ @ voter from Wisconsin .
“ But I think Joe Biden gets it .
After all @ @ @ @ @ for most of America ’ s history .
”

Bernie Sanders, 78, has admitted defeat in the 2020 Democratic Presidential primary race to enable to Democratic Party to unite around a younger candidate, Joe Biden, who is just 77 year old.
The Democrats are now pinning their hopes on a so-called “Youth Ticket”, which would see the vibrant 77 year old whippersnapper go into the general election.
With his opponent, President Donald Trump just 73, Americans are now facing a choice between two candidates whose cognitive decline is hardly even noticeable.
The choice of Joe Biden, is a huge relief for millions of twenty-something Americans who, until, now have felt disenfranchised by the US political system. “Historically, we’ve been left out of the political conversation in America,” said one 21 year old voter from Wisconsin. “But I think Joe Biden gets it. After all, he was personally present for most of America’s history.”


thechaser--2020-04-16--“I’ll never use movement tracking app!” posts man on app that tracks his every move

Local man Connor Speercy has today left an angry reaction on a Facebook article informing him of the government ’ s plan to roll out a movement tracking app , stating that he would never install an app on his phone that tracks his movement , unless it also lets him post pictures of his lunch .
“ I care deeply about my security , ” commented Connor via the website that logs every single movement and communication he has with his friends , family , and wife .
“ That ’ s why I always hesitate for a second @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my phone permission to use every tracking feature available.
” “ Sure it may be for health reasons , but if its a choice between my grandmothers life and giving up a bit of location data that the government already can track anyway if it really wants to , I ’ m always going to choose the privacy option , ” stated the man who frequently sends pictures of his genitals through a website that has been publicly known for years to be monitored and logged by the NSA .
“ When it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ m very concerned in this particular instance and no others.
” Asked whether he would reconsider the app if it also had a fun feature where it shows you what you ’ d look like as an 80 year old , Connor told us to shut up and take his data already .
“ Just take it all !
What do you want , photo gallery access ?
Microphone permissions ?
GPS data ?
My Tinder login ?
I ’ ll give you all of them !
I don ’ t care how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Russia , just give me the old man filter already !
”

Local man Connor Speercy has today left an angry reaction on a Facebook article informing him of the government’s plan to roll out a movement tracking app, stating that he would never install an app on his phone that tracks his movement, unless it also lets him post pictures of his lunch.
“I care deeply about my security,” commented Connor via the website that logs every single movement and communication he has with his friends, family, and wife. “That’s why I always hesitate for a second before giving every app I install on my phone permission to use every tracking feature available.”
“Sure it may be for health reasons, but if its a choice between my grandmothers life and giving up a bit of location data that the government already can track anyway if it really wants to, I’m always going to choose the privacy option,” stated the man who frequently sends pictures of his genitals through a website that has been publicly known for years to be monitored and logged by the NSA. “When it comes to my privacy, I’m very concerned in this particular instance and no others.”
Asked whether he would reconsider the app if it also had a fun feature where it shows you what you’d look like as an 80 year old, Connor told us to shut up and take his data already. “Just take it all! What do you want, photo gallery access? Microphone permissions? GPS data? My Tinder login? I’ll give you all of them! I don’t care how much of your company is operated out of Russia, just give me the old man filter already!”


thechaser--2020-01-07--Morrison acts firmly on Iran threat by booking 3 week holiday cruise

Prime Minister and most hated man in Australia , Scott “ # [ email protected ] $ # * ” Morrison , has today acted firmly and decisively to the escalating threat of a third world war by booking himself on to a three week cruise through the Caribbean .
“ This is one of the largest threats our country and the world has faced in our lifetime , ” Morrison told the boat ’ s barman over a mojito , “ and as Prime Minister of Australia it is my duty to address the problem only two months after @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by fellow passengers whether he would be better off back in Australia drawing up contingency plans in case the ANZUS treaty draws the country into a modern full-scale war between Iran and the United States , Morrison assured his fellow holidayers that his second hand man Michael McCormack had things completely under control .
McCormack however was not so sure , stating that this was the first time he was hearing that he was running the country , before declaring that he was moving the capital of the country to Wagga again , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ exploding cow manure .
Meanwhile , the population of Australia have celebrated the news that New Zealand has declared its own war against the country , pledging to overthrow the government of Australia in order to liberate the country from its incompetent leaders .

Prime Minister and most hated man in Australia, Scott “#$@$#*” Morrison, has today acted firmly and decisively to the escalating threat of a third world war by booking himself on to a three week cruise through the Caribbean.
“This is one of the largest threats our country and the world has faced in our lifetime,” Morrison told the boat’s barman over a mojito, “and as Prime Minister of Australia it is my duty to address the problem only two months after it’s kicked off.”
Asked by fellow passengers whether he would be better off back in Australia drawing up contingency plans in case the ANZUS treaty draws the country into a modern full-scale war between Iran and the United States, Morrison assured his fellow holidayers that his second hand man Michael McCormack had things completely under control. McCormack however was not so sure, stating that this was the first time he was hearing that he was running the country, before declaring that he was moving the capital of the country to Wagga again, and then blamed the oncoming war on exploding cow manure.
Meanwhile, the population of Australia have celebrated the news that New Zealand has declared its own war against the country, pledging to overthrow the government of Australia in order to liberate the country from its incompetent leaders.


thechaser--2020-01-07--Craig Kelly devows climate science, citing his advanced PhD in couch marketing

Liberal Party MP and Minister for National Embarrassments Craig Kelly has today called upon his years of research into great deals on a range of living room furniture to deliver a stunningly well-researched rebuke against the NASA scientists who have repeatedly stated global warming is a real and already observable phenomena .
“ What would those idiots know ?
” asked Kelly , scoffing as he accepted another generous bag of money from an anonymous coal baron .
“ As a former furniture retail assistant I think I ’ m better versed in this topic than some ‘ scientists ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ done the research ’ .
God can you imagine what would happen if we started relying on experts for things instead of just consulting random members of the public .
Oh shit , oh shit , oh I just tripped , oh I think I broke my toe , somebody call a plumber !
” Asked what exactly the evidence is that he ’ s relying on to argue against the fairly difficult to disprove evidence of the giant pond where the arctic permafrost used to be , Kelly produced a range of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at Fantastic Furniture this month .
“ See , look at this !
” said Kelly , “ This is a catalogue from 1995 which listed the Model B3 chair , and if you look at this catalogue here from 2019 , right there you can see the same lounge !
So clearly the world hasn ’ t changed at all , not to mention my first hand research which has found the sofas still feel like the same temperature when I sit in them , though admittedly I had to adjust for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ airflow of my haemorrhoid cushion .
Checkmate scientists.
” However , despite his repeated denials that climate change is an issue , Kelly stated that he was not a climate change denier , and such phrases are a slur and very offensive to him .
“ I ’ m not a climate change denier !
” Kelly shouted .
“ I just deny climate change .
How dare you besmirch my character like that.
” Kelly then rushed out of the BBC interview he was in the middle of , stating that he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the endangered status of recliner chairs in tropical climates .

Liberal Party MP and Minister for National Embarrassments Craig Kelly has today called upon his years of research into great deals on a range of living room furniture to deliver a stunningly well-researched rebuke against the NASA scientists who have repeatedly stated global warming is a real and already observable phenomena.
“What would those idiots know?” asked Kelly, scoffing as he accepted another generous bag of money from an anonymous coal baron. “As a former furniture retail assistant I think I’m better versed in this topic than some ‘scientists’ who ‘has actually gone out and done the research’. God can you imagine what would happen if we started relying on experts for things instead of just consulting random members of the public. Oh shit, oh shit, oh I just tripped, oh I think I broke my toe, somebody call a plumber!”
Asked what exactly the evidence is that he’s relying on to argue against the fairly difficult to disprove evidence of the giant pond where the arctic permafrost used to be, Kelly produced a range of documents showing the specials available on lounges at Fantastic Furniture this month. “See, look at this!” said Kelly, “This is a catalogue from 1995 which listed the Model B3 chair, and if you look at this catalogue here from 2019, right there you can see the same lounge! So clearly the world hasn’t changed at all, not to mention my first hand research which has found the sofas still feel like the same temperature when I sit in them, though admittedly I had to adjust for variables like the air-con effect and the airflow of my haemorrhoid cushion. Checkmate scientists.”
However, despite his repeated denials that climate change is an issue, Kelly stated that he was not a climate change denier, and such phrases are a slur and very offensive to him. “I’m not a climate change denier!” Kelly shouted. “I just deny climate change. How dare you besmirch my character like that.”
Kelly then rushed out of the BBC interview he was in the middle of, stating that he was late for a UN summit on the endangered status of recliner chairs in tropical climates.


thechaser--2020-01-06--“No one could have predicted this” says government warned about this in 1988, 1993, 1998, 2001, 2004

“No one could have predicted this” says government warned about this in 1988, 1993, 1998, 2001, 2004, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019

The Australian government has today pledged $ 2 billion in support for fire affected communities over the next two years , taking only one month longer than the time it took for the government to announce $ 1.4 billion for a refresh of the Christmas Island detention facilities after the MedEvac Bill was passed .
“ Unfortunately the country was completely caught off guard by these fires , ” said the Prime Minister who had been sent a letter by the fire chiefs warning about this last year and failed to set up a meeting .
“ I don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ terrible or bad these fires would be.
” However , Morrison was seen moments later shredding a 1993 study by the CSIRO which accurately predicted that one degree of warming would increase the size and intensity of Australia ’ s bushfires , as well as causing more extreme weather in winter months .
“ Unfortunately this report was completely off the mark , ” explained Morrison , “ You see , this predicted what would happen if we hit one degree of warming by 2030 , and we actually hit one degree of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of idiots.
” Morrison was also forced to deny having seen the government-commissioned 2009 Garnaut Climate Change Review which predicted that bushfires would “ start earlier , end slightly later , and generally be more intense ” by 2020 if global emissions were not reduced .
“ The fact is that I was not in government at the time , ” explained Morrison , “ and as an opposition MP , it ’ s was my duty to vote against all the sitting government ’ s climate change measures without actually having reviewed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thought about the 1988 work of the United Nations first Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change , Morrison explained he hadn ’ t yet had a chance to read the research , given he ’ s been very busy in the last 30 years .
“ Look , there were a lot of Sharkies games to attend , ” explained the Prime Minister , “ and besides we ’ ve still got plenty of days left to address the issue.
” Asked whether he ’ d read the leaked 1982 research by Exxon which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ effect would require major reductions in fossil fuel combustion ” to avoid substantial climactic changes such as areas of reduced rainfall , worse agricultural yields and coastal flooding , the Prime Minister said he had to go , and jumped out the closest window .

The Australian government has today pledged $2 billion in support for fire affected communities over the next two years, taking only one month longer than the time it took for the government to announce $1.4 billion for a refresh of the Christmas Island detention facilities after the MedEvac Bill was passed.
“Unfortunately the country was completely caught off guard by these fires,” said the Prime Minister who had been sent a letter by the fire chiefs warning about this last year and failed to set up a meeting. “I don’t think anyone could have predicted how terrible or bad these fires would be.”
However, Morrison was seen moments later shredding a 1993 study by the CSIRO which accurately predicted that one degree of warming would increase the size and intensity of Australia’s bushfires, as well as causing more extreme weather in winter months. “Unfortunately this report was completely off the mark,” explained Morrison, “You see, this predicted what would happen if we hit one degree of warming by 2030, and we actually hit one degree of warming last year. What a bunch of idiots.”
Morrison was also forced to deny having seen the government-commissioned 2009 Garnaut Climate Change Review which predicted that bushfires would “start earlier, end slightly later, and generally be more intense” by 2020 if global emissions were not reduced. “The fact is that I was not in government at the time,” explained Morrison, “and as an opposition MP, it’s was my duty to vote against all the sitting government’s climate change measures without actually having reviewed the evidence myself.”
Asked what he thought about the 1988 work of the United Nations first Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, Morrison explained he hadn’t yet had a chance to read the research, given he’s been very busy in the last 30 years. “Look, there were a lot of Sharkies games to attend,” explained the Prime Minister, “and besides we’ve still got plenty of days left to address the issue.”
Asked whether he’d read the leaked 1982 research by Exxon which reported that “mitigation of the greenhouse effect would require major reductions in fossil fuel combustion” to avoid substantial climactic changes such as areas of reduced rainfall, worse agricultural yields and coastal flooding, the Prime Minister said he had to go, and jumped out the closest window.


thechaser--2020-01-06--“I always believed in climate change” says guy that brought coal into parliament

Prime Minister of Australia and only person to ever bring a lump of coal into the Australian parliament Scott Morrison has today declared that his government has “ always ” acknowledged the link between “ the broader issues of climate change and what they mean for the world ’ s weather and the dryness of conditions in many places ” .
“ Don ’ t you guys remember ?
” asked the Prime Minister whose government was just blamed for intentionally derailing the United Nations climate summit last month .
“ What on earth made you think we didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ However some members of the public are sceptical that the government , which famously campaigned on removing the carbon tax designed specifically to reduce carbon emissions , actually believes in the threat that scientists say climate change is posing .
“ You know there was just something about the way the Deputy PM described belief in climate change as a ‘ raving inner-city lunatic ’ idea that made me suspect he might not believe in it , ” explained one mother of three sheltering in a local Scout Hall , “ I don @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but thinking back on that video of two Liberal Prime Ministers having a laugh about the pacific islands going under water had me wondering if maybe they think this is a joke.
” The Liberal party has hit back at these claims , stating that statements made by the party were simply being misinterpreted , like the one about the ‘ climate cult ’ by Tony Abbott last week , or when MP Craig Kelly said there was no link between climate change and the fires today , or the time Scott Morrison @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ban climate protests .
“ Just because we rolled Malcolm Turnbull twice after he tried to get the party to address climate change doesn ’ t mean that we don ’ t believe in climate change !
” exclaimed shocked members of the party ’ s right wing .
“ No , no , no .
It ’ s not that we don ’ t believe in it , it ’ s just that we don ’ t want to do anything because we ’ ll all be long dead by the time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ else can deal with it .
There ’ s a big difference.
” “ After all , can you imagine the terrible effect it would have on our economy if we couldn ’ t collect all that tax money from our billionaire mining magnates ?
God , we ’ d be in real trouble then.
” they continued .
“ Wait , what do you mean we scrapped the mining tax ?
Jesus , you mean we ’ ve been destroying the earth just so three billionaires can keep making profits while the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Everything ’ s going to plan .
”

Prime Minister of Australia and only person to ever bring a lump of coal into the Australian parliament Scott Morrison has today declared that his government has “always” acknowledged the link between “the broader issues of climate change and what they mean for the world’s weather and the dryness of conditions in many places”.
“Don’t you guys remember?” asked the Prime Minister whose government was just blamed for intentionally derailing the United Nations climate summit last month. “What on earth made you think we didn’t believe in climate change?”
However some members of the public are sceptical that the government, which famously campaigned on removing the carbon tax designed specifically to reduce carbon emissions, actually believes in the threat that scientists say climate change is posing. “You know there was just something about the way the Deputy PM described belief in climate change as a ‘raving inner-city lunatic’ idea that made me suspect he might not believe in it,” explained one mother of three sheltering in a local Scout Hall, “I don’t want to pre-judge anyone, but thinking back on that video of two Liberal Prime Ministers having a laugh about the pacific islands going under water had me wondering if maybe they think this is a joke.”
The Liberal party has hit back at these claims, stating that statements made by the party were simply being misinterpreted, like the one about the ‘climate cult’ by Tony Abbott last week, or when MP Craig Kelly said there was no link between climate change and the fires today, or the time Scott Morrison said he would change the law to ban climate protests. “Just because we rolled Malcolm Turnbull twice after he tried to get the party to address climate change doesn’t mean that we don’t believe in climate change!” exclaimed shocked members of the party’s right wing. “No, no, no. It’s not that we don’t believe in it, it’s just that we don’t want to do anything because we’ll all be long dead by the time it becomes a problem, and someone else can deal with it. There’s a big difference.”
“After all, can you imagine the terrible effect it would have on our economy if we couldn’t collect all that tax money from our billionaire mining magnates? God, we’d be in real trouble then.” they continued. “Wait, what do you mean we scrapped the mining tax? Jesus, you mean we’ve been destroying the earth just so three billionaires can keep making profits while the rest of the country burns? Excellent. Everything’s going to plan.”


thechaser--2020-01-05--Iran crisis: PM commissions emergency ad in case troops are deployed

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has acted quickly and decisively this weekend to authorise the deployment of a full-scale advertising offensive in the event that Australian troops go to war with Iran .
The US government ’ s assassination of senior Irani military figure Qasem Soleimani earlier this week prompted speculation that war might be imminent , with pressure on US allies to contribute troops to the effort .
But while this development caught many by surprise , a spokesperson for the PM indicated that the Australian government was “ ready to whatever was necessary.
” “ We are prepared to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ government safe .
Ahh , sorry , Australia safe.
” “ The moment President Trump picks up the phone and asks for our help , we ’ ll be ready to launch a full scale offensive across all media platforms : Twitter , Facebook , plus of course the state-owned broadcaster Newscorp .
We ’ ll make sure ever voter hears about it within 24 hours.
” The response mirrors the Government ’ s recent decision to announce its contribution to the fire fighting effort via a Liberal party ad .
When asked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ political purposes was appropriate , the spokesperson answered : “ Now is not the time to ask questions like that .
It ’ s disappointing that you would seek to politicise this issue of grave national security .
”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has acted quickly and decisively this weekend to authorise the deployment of a full-scale advertising offensive in the event that Australian troops go to war with Iran.
The US government’s assassination of senior Irani military figure Qasem Soleimani earlier this week prompted speculation that war might be imminent, with pressure on US allies to contribute troops to the effort.
But while this development caught many by surprise, a spokesperson for the PM indicated that the Australian government was “ready to whatever was necessary.”
“We are prepared to do whatever it takes to keep the government safe. Ahh, sorry, Australia safe.”
“The moment President Trump picks up the phone and asks for our help, we’ll be ready to launch a full scale offensive across all media platforms: Twitter, Facebook, plus of course the state-owned broadcaster Newscorp. We’ll make sure ever voter hears about it within 24 hours.”
The response mirrors the Government’s recent decision to announce its contribution to the fire fighting effort via a Liberal party ad.
When asked whether spinning such a serious issue for political purposes was appropriate, the spokesperson answered: “Now is not the time to ask questions like that. It’s disappointing that you would seek to politicise this issue of grave national security.”


thechaser--2020-01-05--Morrison deploys emergency marketing squad to bushfire affected areas

Prime Minister till Friday Scott Morrison has taken drastic action on the bushfires today , following what was some of the worst fire conditions in the last two months , by sending in an elite team of spin-doctors to fire affected areas to address the public ’ s concerns .
“ When this crack team of marketing experts are done , you won ’ t even need to fight the fires , ” Morrison explained at the $ 100,000 project launch this morning .
“ In fact , we ’ ve just released a brand new ad campaign highlighting the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ country , like the global media coverage , the photography opportunities , and the huge amount of money being donated to the RFS .
In fact , it ’ s raised so much money we might be able to just privatise the whole thing and finally get it off the government teat .
How good is that !
” However the plan has already hit a snag , with the marketing team all going on overseas holidays and being unavailable to spin the fires .
“ What ’ s wrong with these people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a national crisis happening ?
” a furious Morrison shouted as he stormed out .
“ What a bunch of selfish twats .
Right , someone pull up Windows Movie Maker and some stock audio , I ’ ll make this ad myself , and it ’ ll be the best damned ad you ’ ve ever seen !
” UPDATE : The Prime Ministers office has since retracted the ad , and apologised to all those affected

Prime Minister till Friday Scott Morrison has taken drastic action on the bushfires today, following what was some of the worst fire conditions in the last two months, by sending in an elite team of spin-doctors to fire affected areas to address the public’s concerns.
“When this crack team of marketing experts are done, you won’t even need to fight the fires,” Morrison explained at the $100,000 project launch this morning. “In fact, we’ve just released a brand new ad campaign highlighting the various benefits these fires are bringing our country, like the global media coverage, the photography opportunities, and the huge amount of money being donated to the RFS. In fact, it’s raised so much money we might be able to just privatise the whole thing and finally get it off the government teat. How good is that!”
However the plan has already hit a snag, with the marketing team all going on overseas holidays and being unavailable to spin the fires. “What’s wrong with these people, don’t they know there’s a national crisis happening?” a furious Morrison shouted as he stormed out. “What a bunch of selfish twats. Right, someone pull up Windows Movie Maker and some stock audio, I’ll make this ad myself, and it’ll be the best damned ad you’ve ever seen!”
UPDATE: The Prime Ministers office has since retracted the ad, and apologised to all those affected


thechaser--2020-01-04--PM’s office devises Fraser Anning egging plan to salvage some public approval

The Liberal Party marketing team has today frantically been seen attempting to purchase eggs at a small town shop in @ @ @ @ @ Prime Minister tours the region , in a last ditch bid to regain some public @ @ @ @ @ a traditional Australian Nazi egging .
However , the plan has already hit a setback @ @ @ @ @ ’ s team facing a 4 hour wait at the shops in order to buy @ @ @ @ @ as food shortages take their toll .
“ Can ’ t you let us cut @ @ @ @ @ we ’ re from the Prime Minister ’ s office !
” the PR team @ @ @ @ @ booed and moved further back in the line .
However , in the end the @ @ @ @ @ a large number of eggs from friendly locals who kindly threw their donations at the @ @ @ @ @ by .
UPDATE : Morrison ’ s attempted egging of Frasier Anning failed to take @ @ @ @ @ with the Prime Minister ’ s prior arranged holiday to Bali .

The Liberal Party marketing team has today frantically been seen attempting to purchase eggs at a small town shop in rural Australia, as the Prime Minister tours the region, in a last ditch bid to regain some public approval for the PM via a traditional Australian Nazi egging.
However, the plan has already hit a setback, with the Prime Minister’s team facing a 4 hour wait at the shops in order to buy a single punnet of eggs as food shortages take their toll.
“Can’t you let us cut the line? Look, we’re from the Prime Minister’s office!” the PR team begged locals, before being booed and moved further back in the line.
However, in the end the team were able to gather a large number of eggs from friendly locals who kindly threw their donations at the Prime Minister as he passed by.
UPDATE: Morrison’s attempted egging of Frasier Anning failed to take place due to a clash with the Prime Minister’s prior arranged holiday to Bali.


thechaser--2020-01-03--Pope slaps Scott Morrison after he tries to force handshake

Prime Minister Scott Morrison is accused of causing a diplomatic incident at the United Nations today , after video emerged of the Pope slapping his hand away after Morrison attempted to force a handshake despite the Pope ’ s insistence that he did not want to .
“ Come on your holyness , what if I just shake the tip ?
” an agitated Morrison was heard begging , as cameras flashed around him .
However , after the pope was insistent that he did not want to shake hands , Morrison was seen tackling the Holy Father to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ screaming “ where is your god now ” and walking away in a victory stance .
The Prime Minister was then seen moving on to Donald Trump , who promply broke Morrison ’ s hand in a power struggle over who has the worse handshake .
The news is just the latest in a series of PR blows for the Prime Minister , who has been accused of lacking compassion for the thousands of Australians who have been left homeless by bushfires raging across the country .
Morrison has hit back at the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ upset by the fires , and his heart goes out all the cricketers affected by the smoke .

Prime Minister Scott Morrison is accused of causing a diplomatic incident at the United Nations today, after video emerged of the Pope slapping his hand away after Morrison attempted to force a handshake despite the Pope’s insistence that he did not want to.
“Come on your holyness, what if I just shake the tip?” an agitated Morrison was heard begging, as cameras flashed around him. However, after the pope was insistent that he did not want to shake hands, Morrison was seen tackling the Holy Father to the ground, before shaking his hand, screaming “where is your god now” and walking away in a victory stance.
The Prime Minister was then seen moving on to Donald Trump, who promply broke Morrison’s hand in a power struggle over who has the worse handshake.
The news is just the latest in a series of PR blows for the Prime Minister, who has been accused of lacking compassion for the thousands of Australians who have been left homeless by bushfires raging across the country. Morrison has hit back at the claims, stating that he is very upset by the fires, and his heart goes out all the cricketers affected by the smoke.


thechaser--2020-01-03--NZ cricket team follows PM’s lead by dismissing Burns

The New Zealand cricket team has stoked controversy on the first morning of the Sydney test after dismissing Australian opener Joe Burns , a move some are calling ‘ a clear show of support ’ for Prime Minister Scott Morrison ’ s own dismissive stance on burns .
The PM angered many with his comments earlier in the week that the cricket would distract fire victims from their suffering , as well as his apparent insensitivity to calls for him to show leadership and take action .
While some have interpreted the Kiwis ’ actions as a symbolic gesture of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not so sure .
“ It depends on how you look at it , ” said one Australian fan .
“ They acted really quickly on the first morning to stop Burns , so really it could have been the opposite .
It ’ s impossible to say.
” “ Whichever one it is , I ’ m just glad we have this dead rubber cricket game to distract us from human civilisation ’ s impending doom and from the fact that several million hectares of our country are on fire .
Thanks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scathing : “ We should have heeded the Warner-ings before it was too late and avoided all this Paine .
The consequences are pretty Starc now .
Why doesn ’ t he stop Lyon !
It ’ s a damn Labushame .
Ha ha .
Get it ?
”

The New Zealand cricket team has stoked controversy on the first morning of the Sydney test after dismissing Australian opener Joe Burns, a move some are calling ‘a clear show of support’ for Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s own dismissive stance on burns.
The PM angered many with his comments earlier in the week that the cricket would distract fire victims from their suffering, as well as his apparent insensitivity to calls for him to show leadership and take action.
While some have interpreted the Kiwis’ actions as a symbolic gesture of support for the PM, others are not so sure. “It depends on how you look at it,” said one Australian fan. “They acted really quickly on the first morning to stop Burns, so really it could have been the opposite. It’s impossible to say.”
“Whichever one it is, I’m just glad we have this dead rubber cricket game to distract us from human civilisation’s impending doom and from the fact that several million hectares of our country are on fire. Thanks Scomo.”
Another cricket fan was equally scathing: “We should have heeded the Warner-ings before it was too late and avoided all this Paine. The consequences are pretty Starc now. Why doesn’t he stop Lyon! It’s a damn Labushame. Ha ha. Get it?”


thechaser--2020-01-03--Morrison’s empathy coach rushed to hospital after hearing about fireman handshake

Scott Morrison ’ s empathy consultant has today been rushed to hospital in a critical condition following reports that he @ @ @ @ @ hearing that the Prime Minister forced an exhausted firefighter to shake his hand despite the @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Oh my god , he did what ?
” the empathy consultant Jack @ @ @ @ @ told that the Prime Minister had also forced a young woman to shake his hand @ @ @ @ @ she didn ’ t want to , “ I just… oh god somebody call an @ @ @ @ @ ’ m having a heart attack.
” The consultant was reportedly revived in the ambulance @ @ @ @ @ hospital , but flatlined shortly after being told that Morrison had said it was ‘ @ @ @ @ @ a funeral .
The empathy consultant ’ s family has requested the public respect their @ @ @ @ @ mourning .
Scott Morrison has since booked flights to visit the family ’ s home @ @ @ @ @

Scott Morrison’s empathy consultant has today been rushed to hospital in a critical condition following reports that he collapsed on the floor after hearing that the Prime Minister forced an exhausted firefighter to shake his hand despite the firefighter clearly not wanting to.
“Oh my god, he did what?” the empathy consultant Jack asked moments before, when told that the Prime Minister had also forced a young woman to shake his hand despite her specifically stating that she didn’t want to, “I just… oh god somebody call an ambulance, I think I’m having a heart attack.”
The consultant was reportedly revived in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, but flatlined shortly after being told that Morrison had said it was ‘tremendous’ to be visiting a funeral.
The empathy consultant’s family has requested the public respect their privacy in this time of mourning. Scott Morrison has since booked flights to visit the family’s home to forcefully console them.


thechaser--2020-01-03--Morrison employs handshake consultant on $400,000

After already splashing out $ 190,000 on an ‘ Empathy Consultant ’ that resulted in a Hawaiian holiday while the nation burned , Australian PM Scott Morrison has today added another consultant to his roster in an attempt to cope with the difficulties of interacting with real Australian human beings .
This time , it ’ s a ‘ Handshake Consultant ’ .
The move comes in the wake of Morrison ’ s trip to the fire-stricken town of Cobargo where his attempt to use the mourning locals as public relations props didn ’ t exactly go to plan .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ consultant to get the run down on his performance .
“ Well , look , there ’ s a few things to work on .
Ideally , in this situation , the locals just play nice and smile for the cameras , ” explained the consultant .
“ But sometimes you need a Plan B .
When it comes to touching other people , consent is important .
So , for example , and this is purely a hypothetical , if there ’ s a grieving woman standing there saying ‘ I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ promise to give more funding to RFS ’ what I wouldn ’ t do is aggressively reach down and grab her hand , forcing her to shake it against her will , while I smugly smile for a photo op before my handler walks over and pushes her away as I ’ m turning my back and walking off while she continues pleading for help .
That would be absolutely inhumane .
But that ’ s a random example and it ’ s just my opinion.
” He went on to say that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to at least give the impression that Scott is a human being that can relate to other human beings and that ’ s not always easy.
’ “ Another example might be something like this .
If I ’ m approaching an exhausted and demoralised firefighter who ’ s just lost his home , here ’ s what I wouldn ’ t do .
If , by chance , this firefighter was to say ‘ I don ’ t really want you to shake my hand ’ , there ’ s no real @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Again , it ’ s the whole ‘ consent-y ’ thing isn ’ t it ?
Sometimes you have to be able to empathise with other people ’ s situation .
‘ Read the room ’ if you will .
Especially if there is no room anymore because it just burnt down in a raging inferno .
The last thing I ’ d do is angrily grab the guys hand , wiggle it around a bit , and then sulk off .
That ’ s a worse case scenario response , of course.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Morrison had asked if ‘ Jenny could just do this stuff ’ from now on , but his advisers recommended at least trying the ‘ Handshake Consultant ’ first .
From tomorrow morning , Morrison will start each day by running what is called ‘ The Gauntlet ’ .
It ’ s similar to a US Police Shooting Range , but instead of people of colour popping up , it ’ s various citizens that Morrison must respond to with the appropriate handshake .
It ’ s believed he failed the first drill @ @ @ @ @ @ @ family that ‘ at least the cricket is on this arvo ’ .
Despite Morrison ’ s actions being called ‘ absolutely unconscionable ’ by Piers Morgan , a guy who hacked dead people ’ s phones , hopes are high in Canberra .
It ’ s believed that the talented shaker worked on Lebron James ’ pre-game handshakes during the Cavaliers 2016 NBA Finals , causing the Warriors to blow a 3-1 lead , so it ’ ll be interesting to see what he does with an empty shell of a man @ @ @ @ @ @

After already splashing out $190,000 on an ‘Empathy Consultant’ that resulted in a Hawaiian holiday while the nation burned, Australian PM Scott Morrison has today added another consultant to his roster in an attempt to cope with the difficulties of interacting with real Australian human beings. This time, it’s a ‘Handshake Consultant’.
The move comes in the wake of Morrison’s trip to the fire-stricken town of Cobargo where his attempt to use the mourning locals as public relations props didn’t exactly go to plan. We spoke to Morrison’s new consultant to get the run down on his performance.
“Well, look, there’s a few things to work on. Ideally, in this situation, the locals just play nice and smile for the cameras,” explained the consultant. “But sometimes you need a Plan B. When it comes to touching other people, consent is important. So, for example, and this is purely a hypothetical, if there’s a grieving woman standing there saying ‘I’m only shaking your hand if you promise to give more funding to RFS’ what I wouldn’t do is aggressively reach down and grab her hand, forcing her to shake it against her will, while I smugly smile for a photo op before my handler walks over and pushes her away as I’m turning my back and walking off while she continues pleading for help. That would be absolutely inhumane. But that’s a random example and it’s just my opinion.”
He went on to say that ‘what the aim is here is to at least give the impression that Scott is a human being that can relate to other human beings and that’s not always easy.’
“Another example might be something like this. If I’m approaching an exhausted and demoralised firefighter who’s just lost his home, here’s what I wouldn’t do. If, by chance, this firefighter was to say ‘I don’t really want you to shake my hand’, there’s no real grey area there, is there? Again, it’s the whole ‘consent-y’ thing isn’t it? Sometimes you have to be able to empathise with other people’s situation. ‘Read the room’ if you will. Especially if there is no room anymore because it just burnt down in a raging inferno. The last thing I’d do is angrily grab the guys hand, wiggle it around a bit, and then sulk off. That’s a worse case scenario response, of course.”
It’s believed that initially Morrison had asked if ‘Jenny could just do this stuff’ from now on, but his advisers recommended at least trying the ‘Handshake Consultant’ first. From tomorrow morning, Morrison will start each day by running what is called ‘The Gauntlet’. It’s similar to a US Police Shooting Range, but instead of people of colour popping up, it’s various citizens that Morrison must respond to with the appropriate handshake. It’s believed he failed the first drill after telling a grieving cardboard cut out family that ‘at least the cricket is on this arvo’.
Despite Morrison’s actions being called ‘absolutely unconscionable’ by Piers Morgan, a guy who hacked dead people’s phones, hopes are high in Canberra. It’s believed that the talented shaker worked on Lebron James’ pre-game handshakes during the Cavaliers 2016 NBA Finals, causing the Warriors to blow a 3-1 lead, so it’ll be interesting to see what he does with an empty shell of a man void of all human emotion.


thechaser--2020-01-02--News Corp editor applies for hardship leave after being asked to spin Morrisons ‘terrific’ funeral c

News Corp editor applies for hardship leave after being asked to spin Morrisons ‘terrific’ funeral comment

News Corp editor and former journalist Bryce McBoney has today applied for leave for exhaustion following three straight months of attempting to spin the fact that the skies are red into a story that somehow convinces the public that climate change is a myth .
“ Look , I ’ m only human , ” sighed Bryce “ man of the people ” McBoney from his $ 4 million inner-city house , “ when it was a week or two of fires and a bit of smoke I could just distract with a few front covers about Prince Harry falling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sky disappeared and three states were on fire , even I was losing interest in whether Meghan Markle ’ s dress was frumpy.
” “ And then we heard about Morrison and his Hawaii trip , I nearly had a heart attack !
” Bryce continued .
“ I mean , Jesus Fucking Christ man !
We can only polish a turd so much .
We thought we dodged a bullet when they swore us all to secrecy but then the idiot had to go get spotted on a beach , my god @ @ @ @ @ @ @ guns on that day – we ’ d been saving that front page story about genderless wind turbines turning children into climate scientists for the day our latest circulation numbers came out , but we decided this was an even more important story to cover up .
It wasn ’ t easy though.
” “ I think my breaking point would have to have been the day they asked me to dig up dirt on NSW Environment Minister Matt Kean because he had the balls to speak out about climate change .
Turns @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and it ’ s a miracle we somehow got away with that front page hit-job trying to make him sound bad for being a volunteer firefigher , but I thought for sure that was going to be the day our readers finally realised something was up.
” “ But today , that was my last straw , ” explained Bryce .
“ I ’ m more burned out than the Blue Mountains , first all that cricket garbage from the PM , then Hawaii , and now he ’ s saying funerals are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ miracle worker for Christs sake .
If anyone needs me I ’ ll be at the doctor getting my ears treated .
I think all this spinning has permanently damaged my sense of balance .
I seem to be constantly leaning right these days for some reason .
”

News Corp editor and former journalist Bryce McBoney has today applied for leave for exhaustion following three straight months of attempting to spin the fact that the skies are red into a story that somehow convinces the public that climate change is a myth.
“Look, I’m only human,” sighed Bryce “man of the people” McBoney from his $4 million inner-city house, “when it was a week or two of fires and a bit of smoke I could just distract with a few front covers about Prince Harry falling out with someone, but after the sky disappeared and three states were on fire, even I was losing interest in whether Meghan Markle’s dress was frumpy.”
“And then we heard about Morrison and his Hawaii trip, I nearly had a heart attack!” Bryce continued. “I mean, Jesus Fucking Christ man! We can only polish a turd so much. We thought we dodged a bullet when they swore us all to secrecy but then the idiot had to go get spotted on a beach, my god we had to pull out the big guns on that day – we’d been saving that front page story about genderless wind turbines turning children into climate scientists for the day our latest circulation numbers came out, but we decided this was an even more important story to cover up. It wasn’t easy though.”
“I think my breaking point would have to have been the day they asked me to dig up dirt on NSW Environment Minister Matt Kean because he had the balls to speak out about climate change. Turns out the bloke was squeaky clean, and it’s a miracle we somehow got away with that front page hit-job trying to make him sound bad for being a volunteer firefigher, but I thought for sure that was going to be the day our readers finally realised something was up.”
“But today, that was my last straw,” explained Bryce. “I’m more burned out than the Blue Mountains, first all that cricket garbage from the PM, then Hawaii, and now he’s saying funerals are terrific? I’m not a miracle worker for Christs sake. If anyone needs me I’ll be at the doctor getting my ears treated. I think all this spinning has permanently damaged my sense of balance. I seem to be constantly leaning right these days for some reason.”