thechaser--2020-03-28--Government asks virus to hold off for six weeks so they can get stimulus sorted

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has asked the coronavirus to hold off for another six weeks to line up better with its planned stimulus timeline .
The Government has so far spent no money on their much-vaunted stimulus , with the measures all designed to kick in once the new financial quarter starts on April 1st .
Morrison said that he ’ d been working incredibly hard — sometimes up to three or four hours a day — but it would be less work for him if the virus to just stopped spreading .
“ Having to re-date all those cheques @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” he complained .
Mr Morrison said there was a bigger picture in play .
“ We realise that people are desperately running out of money now and that businesses are going to the wall now , ” said Mr Morrison , “ but it would look much better on the national accounts if we hold off on making any stimulus payments until next month , so that it falls in the next quarter .
That way , Josh ’ s spreadsheet will look much nicer.
” Treasurer Josh Frydenberg confirmed the virus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had made on his National Accounts spreadsheet , but he vowed to stay strong and not spend any money on stimulus until April 1st .
“ I ’ d already completed Australia ’ s BAS for this quarter but I ’ m not going to go back and do it again .
That would be too much of a bore.
” Mr Morrison denied the governments response had been woefully slow for people desperate for the government payments to cover their rent and buy food .
“ I receive a payment from the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said , “ and it ’ s been turning up like clockwork — so there ’ s no problem at all .
”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has asked the coronavirus to hold off for another six weeks to line up better with its planned stimulus timeline. The Government has so far spent no money on their much-vaunted stimulus, with the measures all designed to kick in once the new financial quarter starts on April 1st.
Morrison said that he’d been working incredibly hard — sometimes up to three or four hours a day — but it would be less work for him if the virus to just stopped spreading. “Having to re-date all those cheques would take out my whole afternoon,” he complained.
Mr Morrison said there was a bigger picture in play. “We realise that people are desperately running out of money now and that businesses are going to the wall now,” said Mr Morrison, “but it would look much better on the national accounts if we hold off on making any stimulus payments until next month, so that it falls in the next quarter. That way, Josh’s spreadsheet will look much nicer.”
Treasurer Josh Frydenberg confirmed the virus was threatening to ruin the sums he had made on his National Accounts spreadsheet, but he vowed to stay strong and not spend any money on stimulus until April 1st. “I’d already completed Australia’s BAS for this quarter but I’m not going to go back and do it again. That would be too much of a bore.”
Mr Morrison denied the governments response had been woefully slow for people desperate for the government payments to cover their rent and buy food. “I receive a payment from the government every fortnight,” Mr Morrison said, “and it’s been turning up like clockwork — so there’s no problem at all.”


thechaser--2020-03-28--Jetstar CEO forced to sit on floor after overbooking family couch

The CEO of Jetstar has been forced to sit on the floor after the three seater couch he bought for his living room didn ’ t have room for all five members of his family .
The CEO bought the couch last year , dismissing concerns from other family members at the time .
The CEO had claimed it was “ standard operational practice ” to not have enough seats for your living room .
However , the tables turned last night when the CEO arrived at the couch , only to find that other family members had already boarded @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
He ended up on the floor despite his repeated claims that he ’ d “ bagsed ” a space on the couch earlier in the day , and was repeatedly assured by other family members that there would be plenty of space available .
A spokesperson for the family dismissed the CEO ’ s concerns about being left off the couch saying that these issues occur from time to times and that they are sure he can get a seat on the couch at 6am tomorrow morning if it ’ s really @ @ @ @ @

The CEO of Jetstar has been forced to sit on the floor after the three seater couch he bought for his living room didn’t have room for all five members of his family.
The CEO bought the couch last year, dismissing concerns from other family members at the time. The CEO had claimed it was “standard operational practice” to not have enough seats for your living room.
However, the tables turned last night when the CEO arrived at the couch, only to find that other family members had already boarded the couch and all spots were taken.
He ended up on the floor despite his repeated claims that he’d “bagsed” a space on the couch earlier in the day, and was repeatedly assured by other family members that there would be plenty of space available.
A spokesperson for the family dismissed the CEO’s concerns about being left off the couch saying that these issues occur from time to times and that they are sure he can get a seat on the couch at 6am tomorrow morning if it’s really that important to him.


thechaser--2020-03-28--Queensland’s ‘Smart State’ title revoked for holding election during pandemic

‘ The Smart State ’ of Australia will today legally require all citizens to attend local government elections despite being in the middle of a health crisis that requires everyone to stay home .
Over 1 million Queenslanders , who haven ’ t voted yet , are being encouraged by officials to break their isolation , queue up and unintentionally spread COVID-19 before visiting the ballot box .
“ Voting poses no more risk to the community than going to the supermarket , ” ECQ Commissioner Pam Demic told reporters today , “ but now that I think of it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sense compared to moving an election .
Ahh well , I guess if this state does prove to be smart and everyone ends up being fined $ 133 , that ’ ll be a big win for us !
” However , some are not convinced holding elections during a pandemic is a good idea , with Brisbane local Don Kevote says holding the elections now is irresponsible .
“ I ’ m furious !
How dare they cancel the sausage sizzles , it ’ s the only reason anyone shows up to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” he raged .
“ People need to understand as well that having two heads means there ’ s twice the chance of spreading this disease , so this should have all been called off weeks ago !
”

‘The Smart State’ of Australia will today legally require all citizens to attend local government elections despite being in the middle of a health crisis that requires everyone to stay home. Over 1 million Queenslanders, who haven’t voted yet, are being encouraged by officials to break their isolation, queue up and unintentionally spread COVID-19 before visiting the ballot box.
“Voting poses no more risk to the community than going to the supermarket,” ECQ Commissioner Pam Demic told reporters today, “but now that I think of it, postponing shopping for food makes no sense compared to moving an election. Ahh well, I guess if this state does prove to be smart and everyone ends up being fined $133, that’ll be a big win for us!”
However, some are not convinced holding elections during a pandemic is a good idea, with Brisbane local Don Kevote says holding the elections now is irresponsible. “I’m furious! How dare they cancel the sausage sizzles, it’s the only reason anyone shows up to these things in the first place,” he raged. “People need to understand as well that having two heads means there’s twice the chance of spreading this disease, so this should have all been called off weeks ago!”


thechaser--2020-03-27--Oxford Dictionary names “Oh Fuck” Word of the Year

The Oxford English dictionary has announced that the phrase “ Oh fuck ” is now in such near constant use that they might as well just award it Word of the Year for 2020 allowing them to self-isolate and watch Netflix for the rest of the year .
The dictionary said that the word had increased in almost every walk of life in the past few months .
It now accounts for 50 % of all words used in the English language .
Linguists started noticing a spike in its usage in Australia in early January in what was thought @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by February it had spread to the toilet paper aisles of supermarkets .
By mid-February it had spread to tinned vegetable aisles and the pasta section .
It was around that time that linguists also noticed a spike in the utterance whenever anyone was watching the news .
From there , the word spread across the globe , affecting hospitals , workplaces , gyms , beauty salons and food courts .
Boot camps are not affected for some reason .
Announcing the decision , the head of linguistics said , “ Usually we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to award the Word of the Year , but “ Oh Fuck ” is such a clear winner for 2020 , we just thought , oh fuck it .
”

The Oxford English dictionary has announced that the phrase “Oh fuck” is now in such near constant use that they might as well just award it Word of the Year for 2020 allowing them to self-isolate and watch Netflix for the rest of the year.
The dictionary said that the word had increased in almost every walk of life in the past few months. It now accounts for 50% of all words used in the English language.
Linguists started noticing a spike in its usage in Australia in early January in what was thought to be an isolated outbreak. But by February it had spread to the toilet paper aisles of supermarkets. By mid-February it had spread to tinned vegetable aisles and the pasta section.
It was around that time that linguists also noticed a spike in the utterance whenever anyone was watching the news. From there, the word spread across the globe, affecting hospitals, workplaces, gyms, beauty salons and food courts.
Boot camps are not affected for some reason.
Announcing the decision, the head of linguistics said, “Usually we wait until the end of the year to award the Word of the Year, but “Oh Fuck” is such a clear winner for 2020, we just thought, oh fuck it.”


BREAKING: Everything

“ Jesus fucking fuck , what now ” reported everyone today , as a phone notification altered them to the latest item in the never-ending cascade of terrible news being catapulted into their eyeballs every two seconds .
“ If it ’ s an asteroid this time or the dinosaurs are back , I ’ m just going to take a glass of scotch and go lie face down on the sofa.
” The latest breaking news , that literally everything is breaking , comes as just the latest in an ongoing series of absolutely fucking awful things to take @ @ @ @ @ @ @ leading archaeologists to seriously consider reburying that black sarcophagus they dug up last year .
“ Yea look , when the inscription said there would be terrible consequences for disturbing the site , we didn ’ t take it that seriously , being men of science and all.
” explained one researcher .
“ But after the Australian fires and floods , the global plague , locusts across Africa , and that river that turned red in Canada , we ’ re starting to think maybe we might have stuffed up.
” However @ @ @ @ @ @ @ things could certainly be much worse than they currently are , in news that comforted absolutely nobody .

“Jesus fucking fuck, what now” reported everyone today, as a phone notification altered them to the latest item in the never-ending cascade of terrible news being catapulted into their eyeballs every two seconds. “If it’s an asteroid this time or the dinosaurs are back, I’m just going to take a glass of scotch and go lie face down on the sofa.”
The latest breaking news, that literally everything is breaking, comes as just the latest in an ongoing series of absolutely fucking awful things to take place in the last three months, leading archaeologists to seriously consider reburying that black sarcophagus they dug up last year. “Yea look, when the inscription said there would be terrible consequences for disturbing the site, we didn’t take it that seriously, being men of science and all.” explained one researcher. “But after the Australian fires and floods, the global plague, locusts across Africa, and that river that turned red in Canada, we’re starting to think maybe we might have stuffed up.”
However, experts have assured the world that things could certainly be much worse than they currently are, in news that comforted absolutely nobody.


thechaser--2020-03-27--Morrison decides to use to novelty oversized prop to make people take him more seriously

The coronavirus crisis is now officially out of control , after Scott Morrison used a novelty oversized Arrival Declaration form @ @ @ @ @ afternoon .
Mr Morrison said that people arriving from overseas were not strictly adhering to @ @ @ @ @ that by introducing a novelty-sized form , people would finally heed the message .
“ @ @ @ @ @ Mr Morrison seriously before this , ” coughed one finance executive who was skiing in @ @ @ @ @ but now that he ’ s used a novelty over-sized prop , I realise the @ @ @ @ @ The Prime Minister announced that the army would be used to enforce the strict quarantine @ @ @ @ @ alarming some critics .
But Mr Morrison reassured critics that there were very few innocent @ @ @ @ @ , so the likelihood of them being shot in the back at point blank range @ @ @ @ @ Meanwhile , Australian Border Force has announced a massive delay in processing arrivals after it @ @ @ @ @ forms from arriving passengers .

Morrison decides to use to novelty oversized prop to make people take him more seriously
The coronavirus crisis is now officially out of control, after Scott Morrison used a novelty oversized Arrival Declaration form in his media conference this afternoon.
Mr Morrison said that people arriving from overseas were not strictly adhering to 14-day isolation rules, and that by introducing a novelty-sized form, people would finally heed the message.
“I didn’t take Mr Morrison seriously before this,” coughed one finance executive who was skiing in Aspen last week, “but now that he’s used a novelty over-sized prop, I realise the gravity of the situation.”
The Prime Minister announced that the army would be used to enforce the strict quarantine rules for arriving passengers, alarming some critics. But Mr Morrison reassured critics that there were very few innocent Afghanis arriving at the moment, so the likelihood of them being shot in the back at point blank range was “small”.
Meanwhile, Australian Border Force has announced a massive delay in processing arrivals after it was clogged with novelty oversized forms from arriving passengers.


thechaser--2020-03-27--Cat does better job writing report than home worker

A cat has written an entire Quarterly Sales and Marketing Report while its owner was making a cup of tea this morning .
The report was various described as “ great work ” , “ keep up the good work ” and “ awesome , thanks ” by its recipients .
The report was supposed to summarise a serious deterioration in sales in the 3Q , mainly due to the impact of the coronavirus .
Instead , it contained 13 pages of random letters , punctuation marks and numbers .
Returning to her chair with her cup of tea , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ report had already been filled up , but she was reading a really interesting article about how Richard Wilkins was recovering from the coronavirus , and she so sent the report off without proofreading it .
“ Great work on that report , ” the boss is reported to have emailed back just moments after it had been sent .
The last time a quarterly sales and marketing report was read by one of its recipients was in 2003 , after it was opened by accident .
Experts say there has been an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have started working from home .
“ I ’ m pretty sure most of the communications coming from the Prime Minister ’ s office has been written by a cat , ” said one expert .
The incident has made some writers wonder whether cats would be able to write satirical news articles without anyone noticing ; lkjf09u098jkla ; cvk : ” > ?
, vc90 9sdf 08u hasdf8hp9f87 y123 ’ ko 1 ] \=-9\ ’ ioasdv [ poa8eu alkwrv\=32of\=2-09 f0834hionklv ; /3o2kr ] \=1-20I # ipo [ psdug [ 098ydfhgi43 2t02 jnsdv @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ; lk ; sdalicub 480thr ; lkpjup98u akmdn l ; kaisfy7b9a8 y4p3jkthg ; lopd87bo

A cat has written an entire Quarterly Sales and Marketing Report while its owner was making a cup of tea this morning. The report was various described as “great work”, “keep up the good work” and “awesome, thanks” by its recipients.
The report was supposed to summarise a serious deterioration in sales in the 3Q, mainly due to the impact of the coronavirus. Instead, it contained 13 pages of random letters, punctuation marks and numbers.
Returning to her chair with her cup of tea, the home worker did notice that the report had already been filled up, but she was reading a really interesting article about how Richard Wilkins was recovering from the coronavirus, and she so sent the report off without proofreading it.
“Great work on that report,” the boss is reported to have emailed back just moments after it had been sent.
The last time a quarterly sales and marketing report was read by one of its recipients was in 2003, after it was opened by accident.
Experts say there has been an upsurge in cat-authored writing since most workers have started working from home. “I’m pretty sure most of the communications coming from the Prime Minister’s office has been written by a cat,” said one expert.
The incident has made some writers wonder whether cats would be able to write satirical news articles without anyone noticing ;lkjf09u098jkla;cvk:”>?,vc90 9sdf 08u hasdf8hp9f87 y123’ko 1]\=-9\’ioasdv[poa8eu alkwrv\=32of\=2-09 f0834hionklv;/3o2kr]\=1-20I#ipo[psdug [098ydfhgi43 2t02 jnsdv,mn’pasdovu b=-0789 234t;;lk ;sdalicub 480thr;lkpjup98u akmdn l;kaisfy7b9a8 y4p3jkthg;lopd87bo


thechaser--2020-03-27--Lonely home worker leaves passive aggressive notes to himself in home kitchen

A man in his second week of working alone from home has started leaving passive aggressive notes to himself about the parlous state of his kitchen .
“ Whoever left this , clean it up .
I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER !
” he wrote on a note after he left a half-eaten bowl of left-over spaghetti in the kitchen sink this morning , along with an open jar of Vegemite , and lots of crumbs everywhere .
The man later saw the note , but decided to ignore it .
“ I think I know who wrote the note @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the note .
“ If I bump into him , I ’ m just going to imply that someone else must have left the mess there .
The ugly guy who I sometimes see whenever I pass the mirror is notoriously messy .
Real slob , ” he said .
Earlier in the week , the man ate an entire packet of Tim Tams that he ’ d put there .
It has led to a new rule which requires him to label all his food with his own name on it .

A man in his second week of working alone from home has started leaving passive aggressive notes to himself about the parlous state of his kitchen.
“Whoever left this, clean it up. I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER!” he wrote on a note after he left a half-eaten bowl of left-over spaghetti in the kitchen sink this morning, along with an open jar of Vegemite, and lots of crumbs everywhere.
The man later saw the note, but decided to ignore it. “I think I know who wrote the note,” said the man who wrote the note. “If I bump into him, I’m just going to imply that someone else must have left the mess there. The ugly guy who I sometimes see whenever I pass the mirror is notoriously messy. Real slob,” he said.
Earlier in the week, the man ate an entire packet of Tim Tams that he’d put there. It has led to a new rule which requires him to label all his food with his own name on it.


thechaser--2020-03-26--Family Pet forced to rein in all-day humping now humans are home

FRENCH Bulldog Ignatius III , who had been living a life of hedonistic luxury in his Gold Coast apartment for the past three years , has been suddenly confronted by the need to curb his rampant dry-humping habits now that he has to share his personal space with his family of four .
“ I didn ’ t even realise I had a problem , but they say you don ’ t know what you ’ ve got til it ’ s gone , ” he said .
“ I used to run this place .
The young humans and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at their jobs .
I ’ d start my day off dragging my ass along the carpet in every room , licking the family tablets and barking at nothing for about an hour , but then the boredom would set in .
“ What starts off as me casually licking myself would soon descend into a hump frenzy , starting with my own soft toys in the loungeroom and ending on the big master ’ s bed with their boomerang pillow.
” Now , with a crowded house , Ignatius has been forced @ @ @ @ @ @ @ outbursts to the middle of the night .
“ If I keep going the way I am I ’ ve heard them mention getting me desexed .
The teenage boy here is just as bad but they won ’ t cut his bollocks off because he can close a door ?
That ’ s discrimination.
” “ To make it worse , the bitch next door ’ s masters are a personal trainer and a hairdresser , so they ’ re never home .
Some people have all the luck .
”

FRENCH Bulldog Ignatius III, who had been living a life of hedonistic luxury in his Gold Coast apartment for the past three years, has been suddenly confronted by the need to curb his rampant dry-humping habits now that he has to share his personal space with his family of four.
“I didn’t even realise I had a problem, but they say you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone,” he said.
“I used to run this place. The young humans and the big ones would all be off at their jobs. I’d start my day off dragging my ass along the carpet in every room, licking the family tablets and barking at nothing for about an hour, but then the boredom would set in.
“What starts off as me casually licking myself would soon descend into a hump frenzy, starting with my own soft toys in the loungeroom and ending on the big master’s bed with their boomerang pillow.”
Now, with a crowded house, Ignatius has been forced to hide his addiction, limiting his outbursts to the middle of the night.
“If I keep going the way I am I’ve heard them mention getting me desexed. The teenage boy here is just as bad but they won’t cut his bollocks off because he can close a door? That’s discrimination.”
“To make it worse, the bitch next door’s masters are a personal trainer and a hairdresser, so they’re never home. Some people have all the luck.”


thechaser--2020-03-30--Your Covid-19 questions answered

Your Covid-19 questions answered

With strict new “ Stage 3 ” lockdown laws now in place , there is a lot of confusion about what “ Don ’ t Go Outside ” means .
The Chaser has compiled this informative guide to answer some of your questions that we ’ ve made up about the new restrictions .
QUESTION : I understand that I ’ m allowed to leave my house for exercise .
But how hard do I have to exercise for it to be legally defined as “ exercise ” ?
ANSWER : Under the law , the following guidelines have been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be adhered to at all times : • PUSH-UPS : if you give up after 4 or fewer push-ups , that is not considered exercise and you can be fined $ 1000 • SQUATS : Thighs must be properly crunched to count as exercise .
If you start negotiating with yourself halfway through your routine about the number you committed to , then you can be issued a $ 500 on the spot fine .
• SIT-UPS : If you really think that slightly moving your head in an upwards direction without even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a sit-up , frankly I don ’ t know why we ’ re even bothering .
3 months in jail .
• LUNGES : In NSW and Victoria , lunges are only considered valid if you can show the police officer that you ’ re lifting off your front leg like you ’ re supposed to .
Other states are more lenient , though there is a strict nation-wide minimum of six lunges per set .
• JOGGING : if your “ jog ” is under 5km/h and/or looks more like a waddle @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the order you are not exercising , you are just pretending .
Fine : Up to $ 16,000 or six months in boot camp .
• POO-JOGGING : Poo-Jogging is only considered exercise in Queensland , Northern Territory and the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney .
ANSWER : You risk a $ 1000 on the spot fine , unless you are shopping for the following essential items : QUESTION : Are there any other valid reasons to be out and about at the moment ?
ANSWER : No .
Although in NSW , if @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a luxury cruise liner , then you can walk around whereever you like .

How will the lockdown affect me? We answer all your questions that we’ve just made up
With strict new “Stage 3” lockdown laws now in place, there is a lot of confusion about what “Don’t Go Outside” means. The Chaser has compiled this informative guide to answer some of your questions that we’ve made up, about the new restrictions.
EXERCISE
QUESTION: I understand that I’m allowed to leave my house for exercise. But how hard do I have to exercise for it to be legally defined as “exercise”?
ANSWER: Under the law, you can’t just go outside for the bullshit exercise that you normally try to pass off as a workout. The following guidelines have been issued by the police, and must be adhered to at all times:
PUSH-UPS: if you give up after 4 or fewer push-ups, that is not considered exercise and you can be fined $1000
if you give up after 4 or fewer push-ups, that is not considered exercise and you can be fined $1000 SQUATS: Thighs must be properly crunched to count as exercise. If you start negotiating with yourself halfway through your routine about the number you committed to, then you can be issued a $500 on the spot fine.
Thighs must be properly crunched to count as exercise. If you start negotiating with yourself halfway through your routine about the number you committed to, then you can be issued a $500 on the spot fine. SIT-UPS: If you really think that slightly moving your head in an upwards direction without even clenching your stomach muscles should be considered a sit-up, frankly I don’t know why we’re even bothering. 3 months in jail.
If you really think that slightly moving your head in an upwards direction without even clenching your stomach muscles should be considered a sit-up, frankly I don’t know why we’re even bothering. 3 months in jail. LUNGES: In NSW and Victoria, lunges are only considered valid if you can show the police officer that you’re lifting off your front leg like you’re supposed to. Other states are more lenient, though there is a strict nation-wide minimum of six lunges per set.
In NSW and Victoria, lunges are only considered valid if you can show the police officer that you’re lifting off your front leg like you’re supposed to. Other states are more lenient, though there is a strict nation-wide minimum of six lunges per set. JOGGING: if your “jog” is under 5km/h and/or looks more like a waddle than a proper jog, then under the order you are not exercising, you are just pretending. Fine: Up to $16,000 or six months in boot camp.
if your “jog” is under 5km/h and/or looks more like a waddle than a proper jog, then under the order you are not exercising, you are just pretending. Fine: Up to $16,000 or six months in boot camp. POO-JOGGING: Poo-Jogging is only considered exercise in Queensland, Northern Territory and the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney.
SHOPPING
QUESTION: What shopping is considered essential?
ANSWER: You risk a $1000 on the spot fine, unless you are shopping for the following essential items:
Food
Beer
Red Wine
White Wine
Rose
Sparkling Wine
Cider
Spirits
Sake
Pre-mixed RTD drinks
Fortified wines
Mead
Jigsaw puzzles
OTHER REASONS
QUESTION: Are there any other valid reasons to be out and about at the moment?
ANSWER: No. Although in NSW, if you tell them you just got off a luxury cruise liner, then you can walk around wherever you like.


thechaser--2020-03-31--Local moron shows anger at Chinese government by attacking Australian citizen

Local derro and full time sad excuse for a human Brad Datsun has today shown off his community spirit in the middle of a pandemic by attacking an innocent person who was just walking down the street .
“ You Chinese are to blame for this !
” shouted Brad as he passed by an Australian citizen whose parents emigrated here from Korea in the 1970s .
“ Go back to where you came from… assuming it ’ s not Australia !
” Brad , himself a second generation migrant who currently holds the Guinness world record for being the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to dig for , says that he is just standing up for his country .
“ You know these Asian people they ’ re the ones that spread the disease !
” he explained , defying all scientific understanding of how germ theory works .
“ Thanks to these people , everyone I know is sick , and I had to cut short my three week cruise to Spain and Italy .
God , I know it must have been my Chinese neighbours that are to blame for this !
” However , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Lee say they have no idea what Brad is talking about , given that they have lived in Australia for thirty years now and barely go outside .
“ Yea look we ’ re not huge fans of the Chinese government , don ’ t get us wrong , and they certainly could have handled this better , but I don ’ t see how that relates to us ?
” asked Jack .
“ We haven ’ t set foot in Hong Kong for over 20 years now and the whole reason @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that government.
” “ If anything , with his stubborn resistance to washing his hands , constant backyard parties , and refusal to wear facemasks , I think we ’ re much more likely to catch the disease from him than he is from us , ” continued Jack .
“ Don ’ t even get me started on how he never covers his mouth when he coughs .
We ’ re kinda glad he always avoids us .
”

Local derro and full time sad excuse for a human Brad Datsun has today shown off his community spirit in the middle of a pandemic by attacking an innocent person who was just walking down the street.
“You Chinese are to blame for this!” shouted Brad as he passed by an Australian citizen whose parents emigrated here from Korea in the 1970s. “Go back to where you came from… assuming it’s not Australia!”
Brad, himself a second generation migrant who currently holds the Guinness world record for being the only man with an IQ you have to dig for, says that he is just standing up for his country. “You know these Asian people they’re the ones that spread the disease!” he explained, defying all scientific understanding of how germ theory works. “Thanks to these people, everyone I know is sick, and I had to cut short my three week cruise to Spain and Italy. God, I know it must have been my Chinese neighbours that are to blame for this!”
However, Brad’s elderly neighbours Jack and Lee say they have no idea what Brad is talking about, given that they have lived in Australia for thirty years now and barely go outside. “Yea look we’re not huge fans of the Chinese government, don’t get us wrong, and they certainly could have handled this better, but I don’t see how that relates to us?” asked Jack. “We haven’t set foot in Hong Kong for over 20 years now and the whole reason we left was to get away from that government.”
“If anything, with his stubborn resistance to washing his hands, constant backyard parties, and refusal to wear facemasks, I think we’re much more likely to catch the disease from him than he is from us,” continued Jack. “Don’t even get me started on how he never covers his mouth when he coughs. We’re kinda glad he always avoids us.”


thechaser--2020-03-31--TV weatherman admits his job describing what it’s like outside now completely pointless

Sam Mac , the normally ebullient weather guy on Channel 7 ’ s Sunrise , has revealed that he ’ s having serious trouble finding motivation to get up in the morning , since his entire job is to tell people what the weather is like outside even though no one is allowed to go out there .
Speaking under strict condition of anonymity , Mr Mac said “ What ’ s the point of me doing this anymore ?
You can ’ t go outdoors and even if you do you spend the whole time holding your breath and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I don ’ t think anyone has ever cared less about whether it ’ s going to be sunny this afternoon.
” Mr Mac said that the relevance of TV meterologists had been on the wane for a while .
“ The invention of smart phones was pretty bad news for us weather guys .
But it actually goes back further than that .
The invention of windows was a huge blow .
Ever since people have been able to look out the window and see what the weather is like , our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ”

Sam Mac, the normally ebullient weather guy on Channel 7’s Sunrise, has revealed that he’s having serious trouble finding motivation to get up in the morning, since his entire job is to tell people what the weather is like outside even though no one is allowed to go out there.
Speaking under strict condition of anonymity, Mr Mac said “What’s the point of me doing this anymore? You can’t go outdoors and even if you do you spend the whole time holding your breath and trying not to scratch your nose. I don’t think anyone has ever cared less about whether it’s going to be sunny this afternoon.”
Mr Mac said that the relevance of TV meterologists had been on the wane for a while. “The invention of smart phones was pretty bad news for us weather guys. But it actually goes back further than that. The invention of windows was a huge blow. Ever since people have been able to look out the window and see what the weather is like, our entire profession has been basically irrelevant.”


thechaser--2020-03-30--How will the lockdown affect me? We answer all your questions that we’ve just made up

With strict new “ Stage 3 ” lockdown laws now in place , there is a lot of confusion about what “ Don ’ t Go Outside ” means .
The Chaser has compiled this informative guide to answer some of your questions that we ’ ve made up , about the new restrictions .
QUESTION : I understand that I ’ m allowed to leave my house for exercise .
But how hard do I have to exercise for it to be legally defined as “ exercise ” ?
ANSWER : Under the law , you can ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that you normally try to pass off as a workout .
The following guidelines have been issued by the police , and must be adhered to at all times : • PUSH-UPS : if you give up after 4 or fewer push-ups , that is not considered exercise and you can be fined $ 1000 • SQUATS : Thighs must be properly crunched to count as exercise .
If you start negotiating with yourself halfway through your routine about the number you committed to , then you can be issued a $ 500 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : If you really think that slightly moving your head in an upwards direction without even clenching your stomach muscles should be considered a sit-up , frankly I don ’ t know why we ’ re even bothering .
3 months in jail .
• LUNGES : In NSW and Victoria , lunges are only considered valid if you can show the police officer that you ’ re lifting off your front leg like you ’ re supposed to .
Other states are more lenient , though there is a strict nation-wide minimum @ @ @ @ @ @ @ JOGGING : if your “ jog ” is under 5km/h and/or looks more like a waddle than a proper jog , then under the order you are not exercising , you are just pretending .
Fine : Up to $ 16,000 or six months in boot camp .
• POO-JOGGING : Poo-Jogging is only considered exercise in Queensland , Northern Territory and the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney .
ANSWER : You risk a $ 1000 on the spot fine , unless you are shopping for the following essential items : QUESTION : Are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out and about at the moment ?
ANSWER : No .
Although in NSW , if you tell them you just got off a luxury cruise liner , then you can walk around wherever you like .


thechaser--2020-03-31--Self-isolating man invents new kind of lying down

A man staying in his house has come up with a groundbreaking way of reclining .
The never-before seen method , conceived by Kellyville man Brian Wright , is a twist on the classic back-to-surface style with a couple of key differences .
It is the first-known reclining style that achieves the “ Golden Three ” , which allows you to lie without your shoulders , back or bottom touching the couch .
It had long been theorised as impossible .
Mr Wright is certain no one has done it before because he “ definitely would have heard of it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ We all just accept there are three , maybe four good ways to lie down .
I think we ’ ve been afraid to imagine what else is possible .
But isolation breeds innovation , and I just invented that phrase as well .
I truly believe the coronavirus pandemic could represent a renaissance in how we perceive and push what is possible.
” Wright continued “ The most dangerous phrase in the English language is ‘ We ’ ve always done it this way ’ and that ’ s why I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” .
Wright credits the extra time afforded by nobody checking whether he is doing any work , and the lack of care about long-term medical problems because of the potential end of the world for his innovation .

A man staying in his house has come up with a groundbreaking way of reclining. The never-before seen method, conceived by Kellyville man Brian Wright, is a twist on the classic back-to-surface style with a couple of key differences.
It is the first-known reclining style that achieves the “Golden Three”, which allows you to lie without your shoulders, back or bottom touching the couch. It had long been theorised as impossible.
Mr Wright is certain no one has done it before because he “definitely would have heard of it by now.”
He told The Chaser “We all just accept there are three, maybe four good ways to lie down. I think we’ve been afraid to imagine what else is possible. But isolation breeds innovation, and I just invented that phrase as well. I truly believe the coronavirus pandemic could represent a renaissance in how we perceive and push what is possible.”
Wright continued “The most dangerous phrase in the English language is ‘We’ve always done it this way’ and that’s why I invented this new way of lying down”.
Wright credits the extra time afforded by nobody checking whether he is doing any work, and his lack of care about long-term medical problems, thanks to the potential end of the world, for his innovation.


thechaser--2020-03-31--ABC in lockdown after children’s presenter tests positive for Coronavirus

THE ABC ’ s Sydney headquarters in Ultimo was today forced into lockdown after a popular children ’ s presenter tested positive for COVID-19 , despite having never left the country and regularly self-isolating in his ‘ batty lair ’ .
“ Early this morning one Mr G. Fangs returned a positive test for the virus , forcing the station into lockdown .
We have since implemented precautionary measures , including cancelling all episodes of the Wiggles new show – not because of the virus but because that ‘ Smashed Avocado ’ song does my fucking head in , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ABC Executive Quarantine Bunker , 30 stories below sea level .
“ We want to assure all of Australia that we ’ re doing everything we can to flatten the curve while maintaining our broadcasting standards .
But to be honest , we only have about two weeks worth of new Bluey episodes left.
” A Mr J. Giggle , a close friend of the infected , also fronted the media .
“ We just want to assure the kids out there that Fangs is happy and on the road to recovery , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ decided to cancel the introduction of our newest character , Paddy the Pangolin .
”

ABC TV
THE ABC’s Sydney headquarters in Ultimo was today forced into lockdown after a popular children’s presenter tested positive for COVID-19, despite having never left the country and regularly self-isolating in his ‘batty lair’.
“Early this morning one Mr G. Fangs returned a positive test for the virus, forcing the station into lockdown. We have since implemented precautionary measures, including cancelling all episodes of the Wiggles new show – not because of the virus but because that ‘Smashed Avocado’ song does my fucking head in,” said a clearly-intoxicated Ita Buttrose from the ABC Executive Quarantine Bunker, 30 stories below sea level.
“We want to assure all of Australia that we’re doing everything we can to flatten the curve while maintaining our broadcasting standards. But to be honest, we only have about two weeks worth of new Bluey episodes left.”
A Mr J. Giggle, a close friend of the infected, also fronted the media.
“We just want to assure the kids out there that Fangs is happy and on the road to recovery, but moving forward, the network has decided to cancel the introduction of our newest character, Paddy the Pangolin.”


thechaser--2020-04-01--People who already stayed at home and drank lots haven’t really noticed crisis yet

People who already stayed home and drank too much say they hadn ’ t realised there are strict new laws against going outside in place .
“ Yeah , I ’ ve heard about this whole coronavirus thing .
But none of the new orders affect our lifestyle at all , ” said Bruce Jones , a middle-aged man from Sydney with two kids and a loveless marriage .
“ Stay at home ?
Don ’ t invite around friends ?
Avoid your parents ?
These are all principles we ’ ve lived by our entire life.
” Mr Jones @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the coronavirus was having a real impact on his lifestyle was when he had to wash his hands .
“ That ’ s really shaken up how I live , ” he said .
“ It ’ s a real change.
” The man expressed surprise that health experts have advised his family to stick to their chosen lifestyle .
“ I wouldn ’ t have picked ‘ adopt a moribund social life and drink too much ’ as the next health fad .
I suppose 2020 is just my year , ” @ @ @

People who already stayed at home and drank lots haven’t really noticed crisis yet
People who already stayed home and drank too much say they hadn’t realised there are strict new laws against going outside in place.
“Yeah, I’ve heard about this whole coronavirus thing. But none of the new orders affect our lifestyle at all,” said Bruce Jones, a middle-aged man from Sydney with two kids and a loveless marriage. “Stay at home? Don’t invite around friends? Avoid your parents? These are all principles we’ve lived by our entire life.”
Mr Jones said the first time he realised that the coronavirus was having a real impact on his lifestyle was when he had to wash his hands. “That’s really shaken up how I live,” he said. “It’s a real change.”
The man expressed surprise that health experts have advised his family to stick to their chosen lifestyle. “I wouldn’t have picked ‘adopt a moribund social life and drink too much’ as the next health fad. I suppose 2020 is just my year,” he said.


thechaser--2020-04-01--Local man so bored he’s actually considering watching free-to-air TV

Homeworkers have given up on procrastinating this week and have returned to actually doing work after running out of ways to distract themselves .
After an entire week of binging the three actually watchable shows Netflix has put out in the last month , Australians are now reportedly desperate for any semblance of entertainment to pass the time in isolation , with some even going so far as resorting to interacting with family , or watching free-to-air TV in a vein attempt to stem the boredom .
“ I don ’ t understand , what is this ?
” asked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Why would anyone choose to watch TV this way ?
Every 10 minutes I get screamed at by ads for a few minutes , like why are they all so loud ?
Worst of all , the shows aren ’ t even that good .
Why does every TV station need a show in the morning of boomers chatting about the news ?
Also , why is the writing and acting on the reality shows better than the dramas ?
It doesn ’ t make any sense.
” “ It ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ any Aussie TV before , ” she clarified .
“ I used to watch it as a kid , but that was children ’ s TV so it actually had some decent scripting and budgets .
Sure there ’ s still some good bits but the shows tend to put those clips online anyway , so I didn ’ t realise the shows go for an hour !
” “ I get it now , ” she said .
“ Like when old people used to tell me ‘ Back in my day @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I would just roll my eyes .
Now I feel bad for them , it really would be truly awful.
” Our advice to any young people at home afflicted with needing to watch free-to-air tv , don ’ t panic there are potential solutions ; you could binge watch some YouTube , just watch a Netflix show again , ask around for a password for another streaming service or even listen to some music instead .
Whatever you do remember , just this crisis will only be temporary , as soon Netflix @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more movies and tv shows like they always do .

Homeworkers have given up on procrastinating this week and have returned to actually doing work after running out of ways to distract themselves. After an entire week of binging the three actually watchable shows Netflix has put out in the last month, Australians are now reportedly desperate for any semblance of entertainment to pass the time in isolation, with some even going so far as resorting to interacting with family, or watching free-to-air TV in a vein attempt to stem the boredom.
“I don’t understand, what is this?” asked Emil,y a local university student. “Why would anyone choose to watch TV this way? Every 10 minutes I get screamed at by ads for a few minutes, like why are they all so loud? Worst of all, the shows aren’t even that good. Why does every TV station need a show in the morning of boomers chatting about the news? Also, why is the writing and acting on the reality shows better than the dramas? It doesn’t make any sense.”
“It’s not like I have never seen any Aussie TV before,” she clarified. “I used to watch it as a kid, but that was children’s TV so it actually had some decent scripting and budgets. Sure there’s still some good bits but the shows tend to put those clips online anyway, so I didn’t realise the shows go for an hour!”
“I get it now,” she said. “Like when old people used to tell me ‘Back in my day all we had was free-to-air telly’ I would just roll my eyes. Now I feel bad for them, it really would be truly awful.”
Our advice to any young people at home afflicted with needing to watch free-to-air tv, don’t panic there are potential solutions; you could binge watch some YouTube, just watch a Netflix show again, ask around for a password for another streaming service or even listen to some music instead. Whatever you do remember, just this crisis will only be temporary, as soon Netflix will probably just pump out a lot more movies and tv shows like they always do.


thechaser--2020-04-01--“Coronavirus exaggerated” says guy who said he couldn’t leave house due to African gangs

Fucking moron and part time journalist cosplayer Andrew Bolt has today declared that the threat of coronavirus has been vastly over-exaggerated , pointing to the many minutes of research he has now done into molecular-biology .
“ Despite what these so called ‘ doctors ’ and ‘ scientists ’ and ‘ epidemiologists ’ and ‘ politicians ’ and ‘ public health experts ’ and ‘ people with a basic understanding of the facts ’ say , I can assure you all that this virus is no more deadly than the black death of 1347 , which after much research I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” declared Bolt .
“ Sure people might be dying in the hundreds per day in Italy , but I ’ m pretty sure that ’ s just an outlier , because if you look at all the countries where they had extreme lockdowns the viral numbers are now leveling out , so clearly everybody has over-reacted.
” Asked whether he actually might just be an idiot with an outsized platform and absolutely no idea what he was talking about , Bolt said that such an idea was preposterous .
“ What @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
” explained the guy who recently had to apologise on air for defending child grooming .
“ Only someone as smart as me would use his broadcasting platform to sow doubt in my elderly audience during the middle of a pandemic.
” “ Sure , I might be wrong and thousands of people could die as a result , ” continued Bolt .
“ But what if I ’ m right ?
Do you really want to deprive me of the right to smugly gloat if my completely uneducated opinion turns out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a selfish thing to say .
”

Fucking moron and part time journalist cosplayer Andrew Bolt has today declared that the threat of coronavirus has been vastly over-exaggerated, pointing to the many minutes of research he has now done into molecular-biology.
“Despite what these so called ‘doctors’ and ‘scientists’ and ‘epidemiologists’ and ‘politicians’ and ‘public health experts’ and ‘people with a basic understanding of the facts’ say, I can assure you all that this virus is no more deadly than the black death of 1347, which after much research I can also exclusively reveal was very over-exaggerated,” declared Bolt. “Sure people might be dying in the hundreds per day in Italy, but I’m pretty sure that’s just an outlier, because if you look at all the countries where they had extreme lockdowns the viral numbers are now leveling out, so clearly everybody has over-reacted.”
Asked whether he actually might just be an idiot with an outsized platform and absolutely no idea what he was talking about, Bolt said that such an idea was preposterous. “What, no I’m a genius!” explained the guy who recently had to apologise on air for defending child grooming. “Only someone as smart as me would use his broadcasting platform to sow doubt in my elderly audience during the middle of a pandemic.”
“Sure, I might be wrong and thousands of people could die as a result,” continued Bolt. “But what if I’m right? Do you really want to deprive me of the right to smugly gloat if my completely uneducated opinion turns out to be a lucky guess? What a selfish thing to say.”


thechaser--2020-04-01--Andrew Bolt revealed as hilarious April Fool’s Prank

After a career spanning more than three decades , Andrew Bolt has finally been revealed as an elaborate April Fool ’ s Prank , brilliantly created by serial prankster Sacha Baron Cohen .
The reveal video was posted on a small , low-rating satirical news service called Sky News , and in it Cohen ’ s Andrew Bolt character claimed the “ evidence is now overwhelming that the coronavirus has been wildly exaggerated ” .
One expert told The Chaser , “ the evidence is now overwhelming that the Andrew Bolt character is an elaborate prank .
This makes sense @ @ @ @ @ @ @ satirical character has made over the year.
” In 2006 , Mr Bolt claimed that the policy in which indigenous children were stolen from their families was not racist .
Cohen has previously poked fun at the racism of Americans , and his use of the Bolt character took aim at similar issues in Australia .
More recently , though , Cohen ’ s character started been pushing the boundaries of believability when he launched a staunch defence of convicted paedophile George Pell .
While most people were skeptical at first , Cohen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bought the idea that a character would support an actual , real-life child sex offender .
But comedy experts say Sacha Baron Cohen , who is known for pushing boundaries , stepped over the line when he made the Bolt character claim that Greta Thunberg was mentally disordered .
Cohen has apologised for overstepping the line , though his Andrew Bolt stayed in character and refused to .
Most recently , Cohen teamed up with renowned historian Bruce Pascoe , to help publicise his book Dark Emu .
Cohen made his Bolt character @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s book to create a controversy that would generate media interest in the book .
The book quickly became a number one top seller , in what insiders say was a brilliant take-down of the moronic “ he-said , she-said ” nature of the modern media .
It is unknown whether the owner of Andrew Bolt , Rupert Murdoch , has been made aware of the prank .

After a career spanning more than three decades, Andrew Bolt has finally been revealed as an elaborate April Fool’s Prank, brilliantly created by serial prankster Sacha Baron Cohen.
The reveal video was posted on a small, low-rating satirical news service called Sky News, and in it Cohen’s Andrew Bolt character claimed the “evidence is now overwhelming that the coronavirus has been wildly exaggerated”.
One expert told The Chaser, “the evidence is now overwhelming that the Andrew Bolt character is an elaborate prank. This makes sense of all the ludicrous things that the satirical character has made over the year.”
In 2006, Mr Bolt claimed that the policy in which indigenous children were stolen from their families was not racist. Cohen has previously poked fun at the racism of Americans, and his use of the Bolt character took aim at similar issues in Australia.
More recently, though, Cohen’s character started been pushing the boundaries of believability when he launched a staunch defence of convicted paedophile George Pell. While most people were skeptical at first, Cohen says he was amazed how many people bought the idea that a character would support an actual, real-life child sex offender.
But comedy experts say Sacha Baron Cohen, who is known for pushing boundaries, stepped over the line when he made the Bolt character claim that Greta Thunberg was mentally disordered. Cohen has apologised for overstepping the line, though his Andrew Bolt stayed in character and refused to.
Most recently, Cohen teamed up with renowned historian Bruce Pascoe, to help publicise his book Dark Emu. Cohen made his Bolt character take an antagonistic approach to Pascoe’s book to create a controversy that would generate media interest in the book. The book quickly became a number one top seller, in what insiders say was a brilliant take-down of the moronic “he-said, she-said” nature of the modern media.
It is unknown whether the owner of Andrew Bolt, Rupert Murdoch, has been made aware of the prank.


thechaser--2020-04-01--Government seeks urgent new powers to outlaw the Brady Bunch joke in Zoom meetings

The government will today outlaw jokes about how the tiled layout of a Zoom video meeting looks a bit like the opening bit of the Brady Bunch .
It follows a spate of the joke in the past few days , interrupting meetings , leading victims to experience symptoms including pained groans and involuntary eye rolling .
It comes after new numbers suggest the spread of the joke is now faster than the virus itself .
Experts say its use has more than doubled in the past 24 hours .
One aspect of the joke ’ s spread that concerns @ @ @ @ @ @ @ transmitted by people who appear like they wouldn ’ t normally make the joke .
“ Originally the joke started out as being solely transmitted by older , white men , which is typical for this type of outbreak , ” said one expert .
“ But what is novel about this one is that we ’ re now seeing it repeated by people from all different walks of life .
Young urban professionals , farmers , even trained comedians .
Nobody is safe.
” First time offenders will be liable for a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ jail .
Repeat offenders will be more severely punished by having their jail time revoked so that they have to spend the next six months locked up at home with their partner .

The government will today outlaw jokes about how the tiled layout of a Zoom video meeting looks a bit like the opening bit of the Brady Bunch.
It follows a spate of the joke in the past few days, interrupting meetings, leading victims to experience symptoms including pained groans and involuntary eye rolling.
It comes after new numbers suggest the spread of the joke is now faster than the virus itself. Experts say its use has more than doubled in the past 24 hours.
One aspect of the joke’s spread that concerns policymakers is that the joke can be transmitted by people who appear like they wouldn’t normally make the joke.
“Originally the joke started out as being solely transmitted by older, white men, which is typical for this type of outbreak,” said one expert. “But what is novel about this one is that we’re now seeing it repeated by people from all different walks of life. Young urban professionals, farmers, even trained comedians. Nobody is safe.”
First time offenders will be liable for a $16,000 fine or six months in jail. Repeat offenders will be more severely punished by having their jail time revoked so that they have to spend the next six months locked up at home with their partner.


thechaser--2020-04-02--Morrison announces free childcare to deal with politicians while parliament is closed

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today announced that all childcare across Australia will be free for the next 6 months , in an attempt to reduce stress on those forced to look after children , such as the families of MPs who have needed minding since parliament closed .
“ This will be a great reassurance to many Australians who have been struggling during this difficult times , from the family of Bob Katter to the nurses who look after Barnaby Joyce.
” announced Morrison .
“ Not to mention the poor people who have to deal with Pauline Hanson @ @ @ @ @ @ @ every time they take their eyes off her for three seconds.
” “ We ’ ll even be holding lessons while the children are under our care , including teaching things like basic maths for the treasurer who said that the budget would be in the black this month when it was actually $ 300 billion in deficit , and writing lessons to teach Barnaby Joyce to write a Sydney Morning Herald article without falling back on that tired ‘ and then I woke up ’ trope.
” The government also clarified that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who clearly have far too much time on their hands and not enough people stroking their egos during this crisis .
“ Yes Kevin Rudd will absolutely be covered , ” explained Morrison , “ we ’ ve actually allocated three carers for him to ensure he gets the constant attention he craves .
Same goes for Paul Keating too.
” “ We ’ ve also tasked a special helper to keep an eye on Tony and make sure he ’ s eating healthy meals and not putting strange things like raw onions @ @ @ @ @

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today announced that all childcare across Australia will be free for the next 6 months, in an attempt to reduce stress on those forced to look after children, such as the families of MPs who have needed minding since parliament closed.
“This will be a great reassurance to many Australians who have been struggling during this difficult times, from the family of Bob Katter to the nurses who look after Barnaby Joyce.” announced Morrison. “Not to mention the poor people who have to deal with Pauline Hanson running off to lay in a field every time they take their eyes off her for three seconds.”
“We’ll even be holding lessons while the children are under our care, including teaching things like basic maths for the treasurer who said that the budget would be in the black this month when it was actually $300 billion in deficit, and writing lessons to teach Barnaby Joyce to write a Sydney Morning Herald article without falling back on that tired ‘and then I woke up’ trope.”
The government also clarified that the measures would extend to former politicians who clearly have far too much time on their hands and not enough people stroking their egos during this crisis. “Yes Kevin Rudd will absolutely be covered,” explained Morrison, “we’ve actually allocated three carers for him to ensure he gets the constant attention he craves. Same goes for Paul Keating too.”
“We’ve also tasked a special helper to keep an eye on Tony and make sure he’s eating healthy meals and not putting strange things like raw onions in his mouth.”


thechaser--2020-04-02--2 person gathering limit makes absolutely no difference to Sydney nightlife

The city of Sydney has seen a massive surge in nightlife this week , after new government restrictions came into place forcing bars to have no more than 2 people on premises at any time .
“ I haven ’ t seen this much foot traffic in years !
” exclaimed one Kings Cross bar owner as a solitary nightwalker made his way down the street for a bit of socially distant exercise .
“ God this is just like the old days when people were being taken away by police and ambulances on the regular , though admittedly for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an uptick in customers seeking out any form of strong alcohol to convert into homebrew hand sanitiser .
“ Yea we ’ ve been doing great sales on our 80 % alcohol , ” explained one bartender .
“ Technically we ’ d normally just use that stuff to wipe down the bar but now it ’ s our best seller !
” Asked what she thought of the new restrictions , former Premier Mike Baird said that stepping down to spend more time with family was a huge mistake , and he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just let him out of the house for 10 minutes to get away from his annoying kids .

The city of Sydney has seen a massive surge in nightlife this week, after new government restrictions came into place forcing bars to have no more than 2 people on premises at any time.
“I haven’t seen this much foot traffic in years!” exclaimed one Kings Cross bar owner as a solitary nightwalker made his way down the street for a bit of socially distant exercise. “God this is just like the old days when people were being taken away by police and ambulances on the regular, though admittedly for other reasons.”
Bars have also reported an uptick in customers seeking out any form of strong alcohol to convert into homebrew hand sanitiser. “Yea we’ve been doing great sales on our 80% alcohol,” explained one bartender. “Technically we’d normally just use that stuff to wipe down the bar but now it’s our best seller!”
Asked what she thought of the new restrictions, former Premier Mike Baird said that stepping down to spend more time with family was a huge mistake, and he will now do anything if somebody would just let him out of the house for 10 minutes to get away from his annoying kids.


thechaser--2020-04-02--The Chaser Generosity Calculator – Are you as generous as the world’s richest man?

As the coronavirus pandemic spreads , what are the billionaires doing to pitch in ?
The world ’ s richest @ @ @ @ @ What is he up to ?
According to Business Insider , Bezos has so far @ @ @ @ @ the research effort , through his company , Amazon .
Of course , Jeff does @ @ @ @ @ the average person ( $ US215 million a day ) , so we decided to @ @ @ @ @ help you work out how much of your salary you ’ d have to donate @ @ @ @ @ to be as proportionately as generous as Jeff Bezos .
Are you as generous as @ @ @ @ @ test by entering your annual salary below !

As the coronavirus pandemic spreads, what are the billionaires doing to pitch in? The world’s richest man is Jeff Bezos. What is he up to?
According to Business Insider, Bezos has so far donated $1 million to the research effort, through his company, Amazon. Of course, Jeff does earn a bit more than the average person ($US215 million a day), so we decided to create this helpful calculator to help you work out how much of your salary you’d have to donate to the coronavirus research effort to be as proportionately as generous as Jeff Bezos.
Are you as generous as Jeff Bezos? Take the test by entering your annual salary below!
[CP_CALCULATED_FIELDS id=6]


thechaser--2020-04-03--Albo defects to Liberals as they’re doing a better job implementing his policies

Communist pinko and part time Labor Leader Anthony “ Albo ” Albanese has today announced his resignation from the Federal Labor Party , stating that the Liberal Party was doing a much better job of implementing Labor ’ s policies .
The move comes just days after Prime Minister Scott Morrison announced what has been described as the largest raft of socialist policies in living memory , after he copied and pasted the Labor party ’ s entire manifesto , before sprinkling in a few Greens policies to ensure he couldn ’ t be busted for plagarism .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Australia ’ s leading progressive , socialist party , ” explained Albanese this afternoon .
“ From increasing Newstart , to legalising gay marriage , to nationalising the private hospitals , to opening a royal commission into the banks , to providing a living wage for all people out of work – the Liberal party has shown off their left-wing stripes again and again.
” However , the move has not been without criticism , with some in the Liberal Party ’ s right faction suggesting it would have been much better @ @ @ @ @ @ @ die for the sake of the stock market .
“ Don ’ t get me wrong , we ’ re still the better economic managers , ” explained ScoMo at his daily press conference this evening , before punching Andrew Probyn in the face for asking one too many questions .
“ It just so happens that in order to be the better economic managers we have to go against every single one of our core beliefs , in order to address the lack of the budget surplus that we promised we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ market collapse we claimed would never happen on our watch.
” The party have also gone to great lengths to point out that every single policy still aligns with the party ’ s core values , even if on the face of it they appear socialist in nature .
“ Yes I assure you despite outward appearances every single policy is still very much about pork barrelling and corruption , ” explained Morrison .
“ So it ’ s all business as usual .
The JobKeeper cheques are just a larger version of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ businesses have to pay their employees .
The stimulus payments – why they ’ re just sportrorts on a national scale !
And the free childcare was just a self interested attempt to stop Barnaby Joyce from going bankrupt from the 30 lovechildren he has to put through the system .
Lets not even mention the fact that we ’ re paying millions of dollars into Peter Dutton ’ s pockets by keeping these childcares open .
”

Communist pinko and part time Labor Leader Anthony “Albo” Albanese has today announced his resignation from the Federal Labor Party, stating that the Liberal Party was doing a much better job of implementing Labor’s policies.
The move comes just days after Prime Minister Scott Morrison announced what has been described as the largest raft of socialist policies in living memory, after he copied and pasted the Labor party’s entire manifesto, before sprinkling in a few Greens policies to ensure he couldn’t be busted for plagarism.
“I’m glad to finally be part of Australia’s leading progressive, socialist party,” explained Albanese this afternoon. “From increasing Newstart, to legalising gay marriage, to nationalising the private hospitals, to opening a royal commission into the banks, to providing a living wage for all people out of work – the Liberal party has shown off their left-wing stripes again and again.”
However, the move has not been without criticism, with some in the Liberal Party’s right faction suggesting it would have been much better if the party had just let everyone die for the sake of the stock market. “Don’t get me wrong, we’re still the better economic managers,” explained ScoMo at his daily press conference this evening, before punching Andrew Probyn in the face for asking one too many questions. “It just so happens that in order to be the better economic managers we have to go against every single one of our core beliefs, in order to address the lack of the budget surplus that we promised we’d have by now, and the market collapse we claimed would never happen on our watch.”
The party have also gone to great lengths to point out that every single policy still aligns with the party’s core values, even if on the face of it they appear socialist in nature. “Yes I assure you despite outward appearances every single policy is still very much about pork barrelling and corruption,” explained Morrison. “So it’s all business as usual. The JobKeeper cheques are just a larger version of our normal attempts to cut the amount businesses have to pay their employees. The stimulus payments – why they’re just sportrorts on a national scale! And the free childcare was just a self interested attempt to stop Barnaby Joyce from going bankrupt from the 30 lovechildren he has to put through the system. Lets not even mention the fact that we’re paying millions of dollars into Peter Dutton’s pockets by keeping these childcares open.”


thechaser--2020-04-03--Home worker excited for fun weekend of doing exact same stuff as the last 5 days

Local home worker James Edwards has today celebrated the end of the working week by continuing to drink while scrolling through his laptop in his bed as he has been doing for the last five days .
“ I can ’ t wait for the weekend !
” James told his wife .
“ Maybe I ’ ll stay in bed all day , watch some TV , not even leave the house or change out of my pyjamas .
You know just like I did today , but this time it ’ s fun instead of depressing.
” Asked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ weekend , James said that he is looking forward to watching the only remaining show on Netflix that he hasn ’ t already watched this week .
“ I can ’ t believe I used to complain that there ’ s too much new content to keep up with , ” exclaimed James .
“ Now I ’ ve pretty much listened to every single podcast ever made , and I ’ m onto my third rewatch of Stranger Things .
I really hope Netflix drops another 9 hour documentary series by Monday @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have to do some work .
”

Local home worker James Edwards has today celebrated the end of the working week by continuing to drink while scrolling through his laptop in his bed as he has been doing for the last five days.
“I can’t wait for the weekend!” James told his wife. “Maybe I’ll stay in bed all day, watch some TV, not even leave the house or change out of my pyjamas. You know just like I did today, but this time it’s fun instead of depressing.”
Asked what else he had planned for his weekend, James said that he is looking forward to watching the only remaining show on Netflix that he hasn’t already watched this week. “I can’t believe I used to complain that there’s too much new content to keep up with,” exclaimed James. “Now I’ve pretty much listened to every single podcast ever made, and I’m onto my third rewatch of Stranger Things. I really hope Netflix drops another 9 hour documentary series by Monday or I’m going to actually have to do some work.”


thechaser--2020-04-03--Government announces stimulus package for home burglars unable to work from other’s homes

Scott Morrison has unexpectedly announced a widening of his JobKeeper payment , announcing a new stimulus for burglars unable to work from other ’ s homes .
The move comes as more and more people are working from their own homes , preventing burglars from thieving .
“ I want to provide aid to all Australian burglars because they ’ ll currently be feeling the pinch as more and more people are working from home , ” Mr Morrison proudly announced to the exasperation of home owners and renters .
The Prime Minister went further , asking all Australians to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and in advance , announcing on social media when they will be leaving their houses and for how long .
This would give burglars time to plan and prepare their thefts .
The move has been widely praised by robbers and the Australian Burglars Union .
“ What people dont realise is that whenever a burglar robs a house , it keeps others in essential jobs : police , insurance agents , glass repairers , locksmiths , cleaners – all of these essential jobs will have to make cuts if burglars are unable @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Leader for the Australian Burglars Union , Rob Burr , announced on Twitter following the Prime Minister ’ s press conference .
A proud Melbourne burglar , who wished to remain anonymous , announced , “ I tried doing what Scomo said and work from home , but I ended up stealing my own things and selling them to Cash Converters for far less than what I paid for them .
This new aid package and guidelines by Scomo will help me rob from the rich and sell to the poor.
” Mr @ @ @ @ @ @ @ taking a dig at Labor ’ s infamous 2008 stimulus package stating , “ Kevin Rudd , with Labor , never thought to give aid to burglars during the GFC , that ’ s why the Liberals stimulus package is better .
”

Scott Morrison has unexpectedly announced a widening of his JobKeeper payment, announcing a new stimulus for burglars unable to work from other’s homes. The move comes as more and more people are working from their own homes, preventing burglars from thieving.
“I want to provide aid to all Australian burglars because they’ll currently be feeling the pinch as more and more people are working from home,” Mr Morrison proudly announced to the exasperation of home owners and renters.
The Prime Minister went further, asking all Australians to fullfil their civic duty by publicly, and in advance, announcing on social media when they will be leaving their houses and for how long. This would give burglars time to plan and prepare their thefts.
The move has been widely praised by robbers and the Australian Burglars Union.
“What people dont realise is that whenever a burglar robs a house, it keeps others in essential jobs: police, insurance agents, glass repairers, locksmiths, cleaners – all of these essential jobs will have to make cuts if burglars are unable to do their jobs,” the Leader for the Australian Burglars Union, Rob Burr, announced on Twitter following the Prime Minister’s press conference.
A proud Melbourne burglar, who wished to remain anonymous, announced, “I tried doing what Scomo said and work from home, but I ended up stealing my own things and selling them to Cash Converters for far less than what I paid for them. This new aid package and guidelines by Scomo will help me rob from the rich and sell to the poor.”
Mr Morrison proudly unveiled the new package while taking a dig at Labor’s infamous 2008 stimulus package stating, “Kevin Rudd, with Labor, never thought to give aid to burglars during the GFC, that’s why the Liberals stimulus package is better.”


thechaser--2020-04-03--Israel Folau claims coronavirus was started by gay bat

Former Australian Rugby Union star and current Catalan Dragon Israel Folau has claimed that the bat that started coronavirus was gay .
Speaking to an audience of up to two French bystanders , Folau took to an upturned bucket to give his oratory .
Gesturing firmly and shouting more than strictly necessary , Folau said “ There is a lot that science can ’ t tell us about coronavirus .
But I can tell you that if it was spread by a bat , then that bat was gay .
There is no other explanation that makes sense in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The virus is punishment for our Babylonian tolerance of the sin and decadence in our communities – and between our brothers and sisters , the animals.
” “ The animal responsible must have led a sinful existence , and that means it was definitely gay .
Coronavirus was started by a gay bat.
” The existence of homosexuality in the animal kingdom has long been debated .
The responsibility of gay animals for causing pandemics , however , has not .
Folau would not confirm if it would be better or worse if @ @ @ @ @

Former Australian Rugby Union star and current Catalan Dragon Israel Folau has claimed that the bat that started coronavirus was gay. Speaking to an audience of up to two French bystanders, Folau took to an upturned bucket to give his oratory.
Gesturing firmly and shouting more than strictly necessary, Folau said “There is a lot that science can’t tell us about coronavirus. But I can tell you that if it was spread by a bat, then that bat was gay. There is no other explanation that makes sense in the context of my very specific worldview. The virus is punishment for our Babylonian tolerance of the sin and decadence in our communities – and between our brothers and sisters, the animals.”
“The animal responsible must have led a sinful existence, and that means it was definitely gay. Coronavirus was started by a gay bat.”
The existence of homosexuality in the animal kingdom has long been debated. The responsibility of gay animals for causing pandemics, however, has not.
Folau would not confirm if it would be better or worse if the bat was married.


thechaser--2020-04-04--4/20 turning out to be not nearly as fun as it sounded

Drug enthusiasts across the world have today reacted with sadness today , after the prophesied month of 4/20 failed to @ @ @ @ @ people who haven ’ t experienced it before , and instead resulted in people just @ @ @ @ @ food and binge watch TV .
“ Oh wait , yea dude , actually that @ @ @ @ @ , ” chuckled one stoner today .
“ Also now everybody ’ s wearing sweat @ @ @ @ @ police on the way to the shops .
This is totally 420 dude , wooooahhhh.
@ @ @ @ @ WE are the virus ?
” the world pondered while watching nature documentaries about wildlife @ @ @ @ @ “ Wait a minute , dude , what if this is just the earth getting @ @ @ @ @ were hurting it with climate change ?
” The month has also resulted in a @ @ @ @ @ coughing uncontrollably , with many who are forced to travel to collect groceries explaining that @ @ @ @ @ in public , they didn ’ t inhale .

4/20 turning out to be not nearly as fun as it sounded
Drug enthusiasts across the world have today reacted with sadness today, after the prophesied month of 4/20 failed to provide the excitement expected by people who haven’t experienced it before, and instead resulted in people just staying indoors to eat junk food and binge watch TV.
“Oh wait, yea dude, actually that is kinda 420 of us,” chuckled one stoner today. “Also now everybody’s wearing sweat pants and getting stopped by police on the way to the shops. This is totally 420 dude, wooooahhhh.”
“Hmm what if… WE are the virus?” the world pondered while watching nature documentaries about wildlife returning to the cities. “Wait a minute, dude, what if this is just the earth getting back at us because we were hurting it with climate change?”
The month has also resulted in a large number of first timers coughing uncontrollably, with many who are forced to travel to collect groceries explaining that while they did go out in public, they didn’t inhale.