thechaser--2020-09-02--Berejiklian stands firm on decision to constantly change her mind

NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian has again confirmed her stance to stand firm and change her mind on measures to reduce the growing community spread of the Covid-19 virus in NSW .
She said she had initially wanted to constantly change her mind on the measures NSW was taking , but she had instead changed her mind and decided to stand firm .
“ I will not mandate masks on public transport in the Greater Sydney area , however , if you are seen to be mask-free in confined spaces police are authorised to issue fines .
I will stand behind @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , except in circumstances where that is , or is not , appropriate.
” This builds on her previous strong stance on allowing Victorians to visit NSW during holidays “ I will not close the border , ” she said shortly before she closed the border .
This echoes her earlier clear and unequivocal position on the closing of schools when the Covid-19 crisis started earlier this year : ‘ Schools are the safest places to be , but only if there ’ s no one there.
’ Experts today congratulated Gladys on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but unfirm leader during this trying time .
Update : since this was published five minutes ago , Berekiklian has reversed her decision .
More to come .

NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian has again confirmed her stance to stand firm and change her mind on measures to reduce the growing community spread of the Covid-19 virus in NSW.
She said she had initially wanted to constantly change her mind on the measures NSW was taking, but she had instead changed her mind and decided to stand firm.
“I will not mandate masks on public transport in the Greater Sydney area, however, if you are seen to be mask-free in confined spaces police are authorised to issue fines. I will stand behind the police on this matter 100%, except in circumstances where that is, or is not, appropriate.”
This builds on her previous strong stance on allowing Victorians to visit NSW during holidays “I will not close the border,” she said shortly before she closed the border.
This echoes her earlier clear and unequivocal position on the closing of schools when the Covid-19 crisis started earlier this year: ‘Schools are the safest places to be, but only if there’s no one there.’
Experts today congratulated Gladys on her continued efforts to remain a firm but unfirm leader during this trying time.
Update: since this was published five minutes ago, Berekiklian has reversed her decision. More to come.


thechaser--2020-09-02--US Army eSports team disappointed the war crimes in video game “aren’t as good as real thing”

Players from the US Army eSports team have expressed their disappointment in the story lines of the hit series Call of Duty , mainly for the often-controversial missions that require the player to commit war crimes .
During one of their Twitch livestreams , the players took a break from promoting controller giveaways that are designed to trick kids into signing up for the military to talk about how worried they are that the games manipulate children into committing war crimes that “ aren ’ t as good as the real thing ” .
“ This just isn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ players after shooting a civilian in the game , “ this doesn ’ t give me the same joy as the real thing.
” “ This game implies that shooting civilians might be immoral but that just isn ’ t realistic .
If you have a gun like that you got to use it , whether that is on enemy soldiers , leaders or regular citizens .
You can ’ t not kill them.
” “ It should be poggers to kill these civilians but it just feels weird champ in the game.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ controversy surrounding last year ’ s Modern Warfare , where real war crimes that American officers committed are depicted in game being perpetrated by the ‘ villainous Russians ’ against the ‘ heroic Americans ’ .
“ It ’ s a disgrace , how could this happen in a game made with input from our Army ?
I mean give credit where credit is due , our boys deserve the praise for a job well done !
Look I agree with the choice to show that we are heroes and everyone else are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to die , because that ’ s how we saw their soldiers and civilians , but to do so by having baddies commit acts we were the ones to do , implies we shouldn ’ t have done them , ” said one team member .
“ I am worried that could make my job harder recruiting kids like you to join our awesome eSports team , which I now have to start informing you also means you sign up to the army.
” When asked what their favourite war crime was , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ You know I am not allowed to answer that .
And even if I could it would be hard to pick just one .
Yo , but can we get a hype train going for me to do a drone strike on a wedding in the game ?
Let ’ s go !
”

Players from the US Army eSports team have expressed their disappointment in the story lines of the hit series Call of Duty, mainly for the often-controversial missions that require the player to commit war crimes. During one of their Twitch livestreams, the players took a break from promoting controller giveaways that are designed to trick kids into signing up for the military to talk about how worried they are that the games manipulate children into committing war crimes that “aren’t as good as the real thing”.
“This just isn’t right,” said one of the players after shooting a civilian in the game, “this doesn’t give me the same joy as the real thing.”
“This game implies that shooting civilians might be immoral but that just isn’t realistic. If you have a gun like that you got to use it, whether that is on enemy soldiers, leaders or regular citizens. You can’t not kill them.”
“It should be poggers to kill these civilians but it just feels weird champ in the game.”
The players also talked about the controversy surrounding last year’s Modern Warfare, where real war crimes that American officers committed are depicted in game being perpetrated by the ‘villainous Russians’ against the ‘heroic Americans’.
“It’s a disgrace, how could this happen in a game made with input from our Army? I mean give credit where credit is due, our boys deserve the praise for a job well done! Look I agree with the choice to show that we are heroes and everyone else are just faceless henchmen bad guys who deserve to die, because that’s how we saw their soldiers and civilians, but to do so by having baddies commit acts we were the ones to do, implies we shouldn’t have done them,” said one team member. “I am worried that could make my job harder recruiting kids like you to join our awesome eSports team, which I now have to start informing you also means you sign up to the army.”
When asked what their favourite war crime was, the team member told The Chaser, “You know I am not allowed to answer that. And even if I could it would be hard to pick just one. Yo, but can we get a hype train going for me to do a drone strike on a wedding in the game? Let’s go!”


thechaser--2020-09-02--Clive Palmer sues Clive Palmer for defamation after making him look like an idiot

Disgraced politician and guy who proves you don ’ t have to be smart to be a millionaire , Clive Palmer has filed a lawsuit against outspoken racist and guy who is considered an ‘ embarrassment ’ by the rest of the ‘ failure of a human being ’ community , Clive Palmer .
The lawsuit alleges that the defendant has ‘ damaged the reputation and injured the feelings ” of Clive Palmer by making him out to be an idiot during media appearances spanning decades .
“ This guy has been making me look like the laughing stock of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Palmer said in an interview earlier today , “ he needs to stop what he is doing at once as he is doing serious damage to my reputation .
My lawyers sent Mr Palmer a cease and desist order but they are concerned he won ’ t understand any of it .
Also , he has even begun harassing me , sending me this weird piece of paper in the mail with a whole lot of gibberish that I can ’ t understand written on it .
Once my lawyers explained to me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I thought enough is enough , I am going to sue this idiot for everything he has got.
” “ He has done so many things over the years that have led to my reputation being damaged and my ideas being mocked .
I am sick of it .
He has painted me as some sort of racist idiot that struggles to string a coherent thought together and would twerk on the radio for the listeners who couldn ’ t see me just to get votes , or something like that .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going on .
Worst of all have you seen the way he abuses the court system for his personal vendetta against the WA Premier , I mean don ’ t get me wrong , I hate that guy , but to sue someone cause a joke ‘ injured his feelings ’ .
Give me a break , the only joke around here is him.
” Sources tell us the defendant plans to counter-sue Mr Palmer claiming , “ How is it my fault my actions make Clive Palmer look bad ?
He is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
I mean did you see him twerking ?
I , like many Aussies , suffered a great deal by watching that disturbing video .
It injures my feelings just to think about that dark day in Australia ’ s history .
”

Disgraced politician and guy who proves you don’t have to be smart to be a millionaire, Clive Palmer has filed a lawsuit against outspoken racist and guy who is considered an ‘embarrassment’ by the rest of the ‘failure of a human being’ community, Clive Palmer. The lawsuit alleges that the defendant has ‘damaged the reputation and injured the feelings” of Clive Palmer by making him out to be an idiot during media appearances spanning decades.
“This guy has been making me look like the laughing stock of Australia for too long,” Mr Palmer said in an interview earlier today, “he needs to stop what he is doing at once as he is doing serious damage to my reputation. My lawyers sent Mr Palmer a cease and desist order but they are concerned he won’t understand any of it. Also, he has even begun harassing me, sending me this weird piece of paper in the mail with a whole lot of gibberish that I can’t understand written on it. Once my lawyers explained to me that this was a legal threat, I thought enough is enough, I am going to sue this idiot for everything he has got.”
“He has done so many things over the years that have led to my reputation being damaged and my ideas being mocked. I am sick of it. He has painted me as some sort of racist idiot that struggles to string a coherent thought together and would twerk on the radio for the listeners who couldn’t see me just to get votes, or something like that. I don’t know what’s going on. Worst of all have you seen the way he abuses the court system for his personal vendetta against the WA Premier, I mean don’t get me wrong, I hate that guy, but to sue someone cause a joke ‘injured his feelings’. Give me a break, the only joke around here is him.”
Sources tell us the defendant plans to counter-sue Mr Palmer claiming, “How is it my fault my actions make Clive Palmer look bad? He is the idiot that makes me look bad. I mean did you see him twerking? I, like many Aussies, suffered a great deal by watching that disturbing video. It injures my feelings just to think about that dark day in Australia’s history.”


thechaser--2020-09-02--Brisbane gets AFL grand final; Australians in recession, Victorians in depression

The AFL has announced that the 2020 Grand Final will be held outside Melbourne for the first time , prompting the Treasurer to immediately declare all of Victoria in depression .
Brisbane , which will host the AFL grand final , has responded to the news by labelling itself the world ’ s most livable city .
“ Brisbourne ” bolstered its claim to the term by immediately legalising bad graffiti in dingy alleys , and opening cafes exclusively serving horrible ¾ cup vegan soy spiced pumpkin almond lattes .
Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has generously offered to supply the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Treasurer Josh Frydenberg reluctantly announced that the rest of Australia is now in recession following two negative quarters , ending the world record 28 consecutive years of economic growth .
AFL fans disputed Frydenberg jumping the gun , stating “ yeh , nah , economics is a game of four quarters ” .
Tony Abbott claimed credit for Australia ’ s record growth streak , arguing that the downfall of the nation ’ s economy immediately followed his defection to Britain .
Rumours are swirling that November ’ s Melbourne Cup will also @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time .
Plans are underway to rename the event , along with renaming wagering partner Bet365 who didn ’ t think through the existence of leap years .

The AFL has announced that the 2020 Grand Final will be held outside Melbourne for the first time, prompting the Treasurer to immediately declare all of Victoria in depression.
Brisbane, which will host the AFL grand final, has responded to the news by labelling itself the world’s most livable city. “Brisbourne” bolstered its claim to the term by immediately legalising bad graffiti in dingy alleys, and opening cafes exclusively serving horrible ¾ cup vegan soy spiced pumpkin almond lattes.
Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has generously offered to supply the event’s private security guards.
Treasurer Josh Frydenberg reluctantly announced that the rest of Australia is now in recession following two negative quarters, ending the world record 28 consecutive years of economic growth. AFL fans disputed Frydenberg jumping the gun, stating “yeh, nah, economics is a game of four quarters”.
Tony Abbott claimed credit for Australia’s record growth streak, arguing that the downfall of the nation’s economy immediately followed his defection to Britain.
Rumours are swirling that November’s Melbourne Cup will also be held outside Melbourne for the first time. Plans are underway to rename the event, along with renaming wagering partner Bet365 who didn’t think through the existence of leap years.


thechaser--2020-09-03--Popular new TikTok trend has Aussie soldiers lip syncing their favourite war crimes

The investigation into war crimes by Australian soldiers has taken an unexpected turn after it was found that the ‘ Digger Dip ’ challenge has gone viral on Tik-Tok .
This new trend involves special forces officers uploading ‘ dance routines ’ to hit songs while braggingly showing war crimes and uploading the footage to the app , which on Tik-Tok is considered comedy .
To find out more about this popular new trend we spoke to local Tik-Tok user and RFS member “ Jungkookmygun2 ” : “ Here ’ s the tea , it started off like any other @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pretending to be talented by doing the same 10 dance moves to different songs by people like Cardi B or BTS hoping to go viral , but now it is so much more than that.
” “ It ’ s become a social movement for Australian special forces members to express themselves and their love for unnecessary and inhumane brutality .
A form of protest against the old media and politicians wanting them to ‘ not commit heinous war crimes ’ .
Umm bye sis , get that boomer mentality out of here @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of putting it on Tik-Tok was to hide it from the people would try and stop us as they are too old to ever use the app.
” “ Whether it ’ s doing a kawaii pose to an upbeat song with people being waterboarded in the background , duetting someone while they kill unarmed wedding guests so it looks like you are the one doing it , or just dabbing using the severed hands of unidentified individuals , like everything on Tik-Tok it ’ s just harmless fun for all ages .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ you will appear in my ‘ Digger Dip ’ challenge !
Okurr , Byeeeeeeeeee.
” We reached out to those uploading videos , however they just sent us a video of them denying any wrongdoing by threatening us unless we stop trying to stop them being as violent as they want , all choreographed to Megan Thee Stallion ’ s Savage .
With many parents concerned about their kids seeing the trend on the app , a representative at Tik-Tok had this to say , “ To any parents worried that a trend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ app , please remember with other trends like ; ‘ heroically ’ saving cute animals from situations you intentionally put them in off camera , that one where people just bully autistic children , or even the one from last week where teens mock those who died at Auschwitz , the trend truly is at home on our app .
Also on a definitely related and totally non-suspicious note , who are you planning to vote for and can we help with that ?
”

The investigation into war crimes by Australian soldiers has taken an unexpected turn after it was found that the ‘Digger Dip’ challenge has gone viral on Tik-Tok. This new trend involves special forces officers uploading ‘dance routines’ to hit songs while braggingly showing war crimes and uploading the footage to the app, which on Tik-Tok is considered comedy.
To find out more about this popular new trend we spoke to local Tik-Tok user and RFS member “Jungkookmygun2”:
“Here’s the tea, it started off like any other trend on Tik-Tok, just untalented people pretending to be talented by doing the same 10 dance moves to different songs by people like Cardi B or BTS hoping to go viral, but now it is so much more than that.”
“It’s become a social movement for Australian special forces members to express themselves and their love for unnecessary and inhumane brutality. A form of protest against the old media and politicians wanting them to ‘not commit heinous war crimes’. Umm bye sis, get that boomer mentality out of here, you local! The whole point of putting it on Tik-Tok was to hide it from the people would try and stop us as they are too old to ever use the app.”
“Whether it’s doing a kawaii pose to an upbeat song with people being waterboarded in the background, duetting someone while they kill unarmed wedding guests so it looks like you are the one doing it, or just dabbing using the severed hands of unidentified individuals, like everything on Tik-Tok it’s just harmless fun for all ages. Also, stan my Jungkook fancam or you will appear in my ‘Digger Dip’ challenge! Okurr, Byeeeeeeeeee.”
We reached out to those uploading videos, however they just sent us a video of them denying any wrongdoing by threatening us unless we stop trying to stop them being as violent as they want, all choreographed to Megan Thee Stallion’s Savage.
With many parents concerned about their kids seeing the trend on the app, a representative at Tik-Tok had this to say, “To any parents worried that a trend like this has no place on our app, please remember with other trends like; ‘heroically’ saving cute animals from situations you intentionally put them in off camera, that one where people just bully autistic children, or even the one from last week where teens mock those who died at Auschwitz, the trend truly is at home on our app. Also on a definitely related and totally non-suspicious note, who are you planning to vote for and can we help with that?”


thechaser--2020-09-04--Abbott shocked to learn a woman, Queen Elizabeth II, will be his new boss

Former Australian Prime Minister and current misogynist , homophobe and general terrible bloke Tony Abbott , has expressed concern about his new role within the British Board of Trade , as his new boss , Queen Elizabeth II , would be a woman .
Asked by his male friends at the Men ’ s Only Club in Sydney , “ How would you go reporting to a woman ?
” Abbott appeared to freeze for a very , very , very long time , his trademark response to a difficult question .
Abbott appeared to have second thoughts after hearing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a woman could ever have become the Head of State .
Of particular concern to Tony was how Queen Elizabeth II was crowned 65 years ago – a time and era Tony Abbott used to feel right at home with .
Visibly shocked after speaking to his male friends , Abbott shared secret hopes that the Queen would be too busy ironing , cooking and looking after her adult children to meet with him .
“ If I do need to meet her , I ’ ll just cleverly and persistently mansplain to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to understand and give her my trademark wink.
” Tony Abbott , preferring a 20th Century mode of communication , immediately telegrammed UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson to confirm that his new boss would be a girl .
Johnson , bemused to learn there is someone out there thicker than he is , responded , “ Yes , your new boss is technically a girl , the same girl whose husband you tried to make an Australian knight for some reason.
” Tony Abbott responded , “ At least tell me I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ leader , King [ sic ] Phillip ?
”

Former Australian Prime Minister and current misogynist, homophobe and general terrible bloke Tony Abbott, has expressed concern about his new role within the British Board of Trade, as his new boss, Queen Elizabeth II, would be a woman.
Asked by his male friends at the Men’s Only Club in Sydney, “How would you go reporting to a woman?” Abbott appeared to freeze for a very, very, very long time, his trademark response to a difficult question.
Abbott appeared to have second thoughts after hearing this news, wondering how on earth a woman could ever have become the Head of State. Of particular concern to Tony was how Queen Elizabeth II was crowned 65 years ago – a time and era Tony Abbott used to feel right at home with.
Visibly shocked after speaking to his male friends, Abbott shared secret hopes that the Queen would be too busy ironing, cooking and looking after her adult children to meet with him. “If I do need to meet her, I’ll just cleverly and persistently mansplain to her that my job is very difficult to understand and give her my trademark wink.”
Tony Abbott, preferring a 20th Century mode of communication, immediately telegrammed UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson to confirm that his new boss would be a girl. Johnson, bemused to learn there is someone out there thicker than he is, responded, “Yes, your new boss is technically a girl, the same girl whose husband you tried to make an Australian knight for some reason.”
Tony Abbott responded, “At least tell me I’ll be able to meet the REAL leader, King [sic] Phillip?”


thechaser--2020-09-04--Abbott denies making himself Minister for Women was misogynistic: ‘I did more for women than they co

Abbott denies making himself Minister for Women was misogynistic: ‘I did more for women than they could ever do’

After a week of multiple embarrassing interviews where MPs awkwardly try to avoid answering the question “ Why would you want a Homophobic misogynist representing Britain ?
” , some male Tory MPs have finally formulated a defence .
“ I think these women need to listen up and learn what a misogynist is , ” said the male MP , “ Tony Abbott loves women , he couldn ’ t possibly be sexist .
He has married one and fathered some more , therefore it is impossible for him to think less of women.
” “ He even appointed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would have put a woman in charge knowing that women aren ’ t good at anything outside of , say , doing the ironing .
By putting a man in charge , he did more for women than a woman could ever do , they just don ’ t realise that cause these feminists won ’ t listen to us men when we explain that to them.
” “ When Tony said ‘ what the housewives of Australia need to understand as they do the ironing ’ he wasn ’ t being sexist @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the women of Australia and explain something to them in a way their brains could understand .
Also , he said ironing , proving he understands women are good for more than just being in the kitchen , they can do that too .
As Minister for Women , he was showing women they can do whatever they want , as long as a man gives them permission first and tells them how to do it .
He is the opposite of sexist.
” In response to the interview , women around @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Shut the fuck up !
Just actually shut up and never talk again , I don ’ t need your shit right now .
I have way too much to deal with as a woman , to have the energy to deal with some dickhead like you or Tony Abbott .
”

After a week of multiple embarrassing interviews where MPs awkwardly try to avoid answering the question “Why would you want a Homophobic misogynist representing Britain?”, some male Tory MPs have finally formulated a defence.
“I think these women need to listen up and learn what a misogynist is,” said the male MP, “Tony Abbott loves women, he couldn’t possibly be sexist. He has married one and fathered some more, therefore it is impossible for him to think less of women.”
“He even appointed himself Minister for Women, a misogynist would have put a woman in charge knowing that women aren’t good at anything outside of, say, doing the ironing. By putting a man in charge, he did more for women than a woman could ever do, they just don’t realise that cause these feminists won’t listen to us men when we explain that to them.”
“When Tony said ‘what the housewives of Australia need to understand as they do the ironing’ he wasn’t being sexist. He was just trying to relate to the women of Australia and explain something to them in a way their brains could understand. Also, he said ironing, proving he understands women are good for more than just being in the kitchen, they can do that too. As Minister for Women, he was showing women they can do whatever they want, as long as a man gives them permission first and tells them how to do it. He is the opposite of sexist.”
In response to the interview, women around the world have told the MP to “Shut the fuck up! Just actually shut up and never talk again, I don’t need your shit right now. I have way too much to deal with as a woman, to have the energy to deal with some dickhead like you or Tony Abbott.”


thechaser--2020-09-04--George Pell pens letter to British press defending Tony Abbott’s character

Former religious leader and Catholicism ’ s version of Michael Jackson , Cardinal George Pell has today sent a letter to the British press in defence of disgraced former politician and budgie smuggler model Tony Abbott .
The letter comes after constant criticism from British media as well as female MPs from both sides of the aisle claiming he is ‘ just a sexist homophobe who wasn ’ t even respected in Australia ’ .
An assessment that is unfair to Tony as he is so much more than just that , as it completely ignores his work as a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and anyone else who is besmirching the great name Tony Abbott .
My name is Cardinal George Pell , you may have heard of me over that thing I had dismissed about me due to a technicality .
As someone who is still respected amongst my colleagues at the Catholic Church , I write to you asking you to stop trying to assassinate the character of my friend who defended me and still hung out with me during the hardship of my trials.
” “ Mr Abbott did many things as Prime Minister @ @ @ @ @ @ @ judged due to the things he constantly said and did that align with his personal beliefs .
You see , Mr Abbott ’ s ‘ discrimination ’ actually aligns with his core values and convictions as a Christian .
When he gave a sleazy wink in refence to sex workers , his constant work to punish and vilify those in need and calling for us all to just ignore the sick and elderly to let them all just die out , he did those because those are all things Jesus famously did .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , traveling to another land , hiding in some stable or something and giving birth to an anchor baby would have disgusted not only Jesus but also Mary and Joseph , which is a firm belief that aligns Tony with the leaders of Brexit.
” “ Also , to say he is sexist is slander .
How would a so-called misogynist end up being Minister for Women ?
A job he was as successful at as he was as Prime-Minister .
He is a wise man with respect and honour of the highest @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fight the good fight or take a step back and console people with the poetic words of ‘ Sometimes shit happens ’ .
” “ In closing I think you can trust Tony Abbott to lead Post-Brexit Britain in trade as much as you can trust me to look after your kids .
If you want any further statements feel free to ask , I have a reputation of always being more than willing to be in touch with people .
Kind Regards George Pell .
Amen .
”

Former religious leader and Catholicism’s version of Michael Jackson, Cardinal George Pell has today sent a letter to the British press in defence of disgraced former politician and budgie smuggler model Tony Abbott. The letter comes after constant criticism from British media as well as female MPs from both sides of the aisle claiming he is ‘just a sexist homophobe who wasn’t even respected in Australia’. An assessment that is unfair to Tony as he is so much more than just that, as it completely ignores his work as a xenophobic idiot.
“Dear British Media and anyone else who is besmirching the great name Tony Abbott. My name is Cardinal George Pell, you may have heard of me over that thing I had dismissed about me due to a technicality. As someone who is still respected amongst my colleagues at the Catholic Church, I write to you asking you to stop trying to assassinate the character of my friend who defended me and still hung out with me during the hardship of my trials.”
“Mr Abbott did many things as Prime Minister and I feel he is being unfairly judged due to the things he constantly said and did that align with his personal beliefs. You see, Mr Abbott’s ‘discrimination’ actually aligns with his core values and convictions as a Christian. When he gave a sleazy wink in refence to sex workers, his constant work to punish and vilify those in need and calling for us all to just ignore the sick and elderly to let them all just die out, he did those because those are all things Jesus famously did. The idea of middle easterners in need, traveling to another land, hiding in some stable or something and giving birth to an anchor baby would have disgusted not only Jesus but also Mary and Joseph, which is a firm belief that aligns Tony with the leaders of Brexit.”
“Also, to say he is sexist is slander. How would a so-called misogynist end up being Minister for Women? A job he was as successful at as he was as Prime-Minister. He is a wise man with respect and honour of the highest regard, knowing the perfect time to fight the good fight or take a step back and console people with the poetic words of ‘Sometimes shit happens’.”
“In closing I think you can trust Tony Abbott to lead Post-Brexit Britain in trade as much as you can trust me to look after your kids. If you want any further statements feel free to ask, I have a reputation of always being more than willing to be in touch with people. Kind Regards George Pell. Amen.”


thechaser--2020-09-07--Single parent unable to pay rent relieved to hear Gina will be getting a tax break

As over 1 million Aussies are unemployed and Australia faces the worst deficit since the great depression , local everyday Aussies doing it tough have finally had good news from the government .
Today the PM announced details of tax cuts for the richest Aussies , a move that is certain to save the economy .
So , don ’ t worry if your work has been struggling with the pandemic and you lost jobkeeper , or you ’ re unemployed and unable to find work , billionaires will now be giving less money to the government .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ worried about how Gina was going to make it through this economic crisis , ” said Emily , a local single mum who lost her job due to the pandemic , “ I mean what I was worried about was whether billionaires would be able to drag race their private jets on the way to pick up their new bigger yacht they have special permission to leave the country to go get .
Sure , my kids might be homeless soon and unable to eat dinner during a medical pandemic , but luckily @ @ @ @ @ @ @ route to save the economy .
A famously wonderful solution for people like me.
” Some nay-saying economists have called the decision ‘ bad ’ , saying it ‘ is taking money away from already struggling government programs ’ and is ‘ not going to help ’ , claiming ‘ trickle-down economics is essentially the Pyramid Scheme of government fiscal policy ’ .
Although we also asked rich people who are actually experts in making money what they think , and unlike the socialist economists , they were actually positive about the decision @ @ @ @ @ @ @ money , more money !
Will it help ?
Fuck yeah it will !
I will finally be able to get that gazebo the size of a medium sized mansion .
Also , all my friends will be able to finally have multiple hundreds of millions of dollars just sitting in the bank to look at because they don ’ t know how they can spend it fast enough .
Will it help regular people ?
Oh… yeah of course… when you get rich like me , which definitely can happen , you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ less tax.
” Rupert Murdoch also spoke to us saying , “ I am glad less of my taxpayer dollars will be wasted on things like ‘ their ABC ’ , those biased schools poisoning kids minds by manipulating them to care about facts , and those pesky hospitals and social programs helping commoners .
I am kidding of course , unlike that idiot Gina , I and my businesses don ’ t pay tax , but that won ’ t stop us from going on about how our taxpayer funding is being @ @ @ @ @ @

As over 1 million Aussies are unemployed and Australia faces the worst deficit since the great depression, local everyday Aussies doing it tough have finally had good news from the government. Today the PM announced details of tax cuts for the richest Aussies, a move that is certain to save the economy. So, don’t worry if your work has been struggling with the pandemic and you lost jobkeeper, or you’re unemployed and unable to find work, billionaires will now be giving less money to the government.
“I’m so relieved, I was worried about how Gina was going to make it through this economic crisis,” said Emily, a local single mum who lost her job due to the pandemic, “I mean what I was worried about was whether billionaires would be able to drag race their private jets on the way to pick up their new bigger yacht they have special permission to leave the country to go get. Sure, my kids might be homeless soon and unable to eat dinner during a medical pandemic, but luckily the government went down the trickle-down economics route to save the economy. A famously wonderful solution for people like me.”
Some nay-saying economists have called the decision ‘bad’, saying it ‘is taking money away from already struggling government programs’ and is ‘not going to help’, claiming ‘trickle-down economics is essentially the Pyramid Scheme of government fiscal policy’. Although we also asked rich people who are actually experts in making money what they think, and unlike the socialist economists, they were actually positive about the decision:
“Woohoo more money, more money, more money! Will it help? Fuck yeah it will! I will finally be able to get that gazebo the size of a medium sized mansion. Also, all my friends will be able to finally have multiple hundreds of millions of dollars just sitting in the bank to look at because they don’t know how they can spend it fast enough. Will it help regular people? Oh… yeah of course… when you get rich like me, which definitely can happen, you will be so happy to be giving less tax.”
Rupert Murdoch also spoke to us saying, “I am glad less of my taxpayer dollars will be wasted on things like ‘their ABC’, those biased schools poisoning kids minds by manipulating them to care about facts, and those pesky hospitals and social programs helping commoners. I am kidding of course, unlike that idiot Gina, I and my businesses don’t pay tax, but that won’t stop us from going on about how our taxpayer funding is being wasted on those things.”


thechaser--2020-09-07--Dan Andrews slammed for listening to medical experts instead of former AFL players

Idiot and Demon Spawn Dan Andrews has ridiculously decided to base the future plans of Victoria on the opinions of fact-based medical experts instead of the brilliant minds of genius former AFL players , in a move many people we spoke to said was the worst thing that has ever happened anywhere .
Heroically , only us , the Liberal party and the completely unbiased Murdoch media have helped show the crucial voices being ignored in this academic debate , helping us know what the ‘ modern Einsteins ’ Luke Darcy and Dane Swan think .
With real and thought @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will say WHATEVER the fuck I like whenever I like .
Just like y ’ all motherfuckers do on your accounts .
It ’ s not rocket surgery ” , some in the media have questioned how the traitorous Dan Andrews can ignore such important voices .
The so-called medical experts who Andrews chooses to listen to instead are so dumb that when we asked them about the previous quote , all they could say is “ Sorry , did he just say “ It ’ s not rocket surgery ” ?
Is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t even tell.
” A question that has concerned us deeply , these are meant to be medical experts .
So why does diabolical Dan ignore these thought leaders ?
Is it to push his socialist-fascist agenda ?
Is it because the illuminati told him to do it ?
Is it because the far-left Labor Party heard the ‘ A ’ in ‘ AFL ’ stands for Australia and they hate Australia ?
How come he only listens to experts , a suspicious amount of whom don ’ t like Sky News , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Andrew Bolt , or even everyday battlers like Gina Rineheart ?
Your guess is as good as mine , but whatever it is , it is pure evil !
We reached out to Premier of Doom Dan Andrews and his office for comments on all the very well thought out questions and debating points in this article .
Here is a representative ’ s vomit-inducing response : “ The Premier is focused on trying to do whatever he can to help the state during this pandemic and is using all resources available @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the expert consensus .
As for everything else you asked , I don ’ t understand what is going on .
Is everything ok on your end ?
Is this some sort of prank ?
If you can think of a coherent , fact-based complaint please send it through but not whatever that was .
Sorry , I am just really confused on what your point is .
”

Idiot and Demon Spawn Dan Andrews has ridiculously decided to base the future plans of Victoria on the opinions of fact-based medical experts instead of the brilliant minds of genius former AFL players, in a move many people we spoke to said was the worst thing that has ever happened anywhere.
Heroically, only us, the Liberal party and the completely unbiased Murdoch media have helped show the crucial voices being ignored in this academic debate, helping us know what the ‘modern Einsteins’ Luke Darcy and Dane Swan think.
With real and thought provoking quotes like “I shall and will say WHATEVER the fuck I like whenever I like. Just like y’all motherfuckers do on your accounts. It’s not rocket surgery”, some in the media have questioned how the traitorous Dan Andrews can ignore such important voices. The so-called medical experts who Andrews chooses to listen to instead are so dumb that when we asked them about the previous quote, all they could say is “Sorry, did he just say “It’s not rocket surgery”? Is he being ironic I honestly can’t even tell.” A question that has concerned us deeply, these are meant to be medical experts.
So why does diabolical Dan ignore these thought leaders? Is it to push his socialist-fascist agenda? Is it because the illuminati told him to do it? Is it because the far-left Labor Party heard the ‘A’ in ‘AFL’ stands for Australia and they hate Australia? How come he only listens to experts, a suspicious amount of whom don’t like Sky News, instead of regular Australians like Chris Kenny, Andrew Bolt, or even everyday battlers like Gina Rineheart? Your guess is as good as mine, but whatever it is, it is pure evil!
We reached out to Premier of Doom Dan Andrews and his office for comments on all the very well thought out questions and debating points in this article. Here is a representative’s vomit-inducing response:
“The Premier is focused on trying to do whatever he can to help the state during this pandemic and is using all resources available to him and basing his decisions on the expert consensus. As for everything else you asked, I don’t understand what is going on. Is everything ok on your end? Is this some sort of prank? If you can think of a coherent, fact-based complaint please send it through but not whatever that was. Sorry, I am just really confused on what your point is.”


thechaser--2020-09-07--Party that called for closed borders at last 30 elections demands borders be reopened immediately

Members of the Liberal and National party have today hit out at Victoria and Queensland for their reluctance to open up their state borders today , stating that it is imperative for the economy that people be able to travel back and forth between virus hotspots for non-essential reasons like a relaxing family holiday .
“ This is flagrantly illegal , ” raged Barnaby Joyce , turning an even deeper shade of red than usual .
“ How am I supposed to visit my third , fourth , and fifth secret families if I can ’ t even cross into @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Prime Minister Scott Morrison took a veiled swipe at Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews , stating that he wasn ’ t doing enough to end the lockdowns caused by the virus , and he should be doing more to try and end all these cases , with perhaps some kind of a “ stay at home rule ” .
“ People need to be able to go about their daily lives , ” said a disappointed Morrison .
“ Why did Andrews not take this into consideration when he personally went around giving everyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ also hit out at the closed borders , saying the states were just stealing all his ideas .
“ You see when the borders are open to refugees , it is chaos .
Those people spread fear , famine , and pestilence wherever they go , ” explained Dutton .
“ But when we open the borders for people infected with a deadly virus , that ’ s great for the economy .
Sure there might be a little fear , famine , and pestilence , but that never hurt anybody other than @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Dutton has since proposed an alternative scheme that he says will please everyone , in which the state borders are closed to all travel , except for any French nannies working for his friends and work colleagues .

Members of the Liberal and National party have today hit out at Victoria and Queensland for their reluctance to open up their state borders today, stating that it is imperative for the economy that people be able to travel back and forth between virus hotspots for non-essential reasons like a relaxing family holiday. “This is flagrantly illegal,” raged Barnaby Joyce, turning an even deeper shade of red than usual. “How am I supposed to visit my third, fourth, and fifth secret families if I can’t even cross into the seven states and territories.”
Similarly Prime Minister Scott Morrison took a veiled swipe at Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews, stating that he wasn’t doing enough to end the lockdowns caused by the virus, and he should be doing more to try and end all these cases, with perhaps some kind of a “stay at home rule”. “People need to be able to go about their daily lives,” said a disappointed Morrison. “Why did Andrews not take this into consideration when he personally went around giving everyone coronavirus.”
Minister for Legumes Peter Dutton also hit out at the closed borders, saying the states were just stealing all his ideas. “You see when the borders are open to refugees, it is chaos. Those people spread fear, famine, and pestilence wherever they go,” explained Dutton. “But when we open the borders for people infected with a deadly virus, that’s great for the economy. Sure there might be a little fear, famine, and pestilence, but that never hurt anybody other than the few million people who have died.”
Dutton has since proposed an alternative scheme that he says will please everyone, in which the state borders are closed to all travel, except for any French nannies working for his friends and work colleagues.


thechaser--2020-09-06--Scott Morrison claims he is “handy with tools”, citing years of experience with Tony Abbott

Handy man who sadly still hasn ’ t managed to DIY a fix to the aged care crisis , Prime Minister Scott Morrison , has today uploaded a fun video of himself making a cubby house as the nation slowly collapses in on itself .
The Prime Minister , who still hasn ’ t deployed arts industry rescue package three months after it was announced , used the opportunity building the cubby house to show off that he is great at working with his hands , like when he wraps them around the arts sector and slowly strangles it to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
I ’ m great at working with tools , ” beamed Morrison in a brazen attempt to win over orange collar voters , “ Just have a look at this cabinet I built using some of my favourite tools – like Joyce , Cash , McCormack , Taylor .
And also a spanner named Peter Dutton .
All the ingredients were ethically sourced from my old crumbling front bench too !
” “ I love it , I do handy-work all the time now that I know that ’ s a thing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a new house every time there is a crack in the wall does .
It feels so good to actually do something productive , I haven ’ t done anything in years .
When my daughters wanted to do something with their daddy , I thought what better than make a cubby house and video it so I can use it to gain support .
I mean not everything is about politics of course , but the key to good marketing is to manipulate those situations into ways to garner support.
” While @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for spending quality time with his kids , some have questioned the choice to spend a large amount of time on a project and brag about it on Father ’ s Day while many Aussies are unable to see their fathers .
Morrison responded to those critics saying that he was simply doing what any father who needed a bump in two party preferred polls would do .
“ What else was I meant to do ?
I had already called off going into parliament and drafting up bills about how to deal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s not like I was ditching work .
You can ’ t ditch work if you cancel it .
As I see it , Father ’ s Day is for one thing and one thing only , publicity stunts .
A lot of these people haven ’ t even got jobs that require publicity stunts , so why are they complaining ?
” “ I just wanted to have a private moment with my daughters who missed me then turn that private moment into a public spectacle , that doesn ’ t mean @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my private life , now that has backfired on twitter.
” When asked if the Premier of Victoria if they had done any large DIY projects , a representative for the Andrews government said something dictatory probably .
“ When would we have time to do that ?
” asked a representative , clearly channeling Stalin .
“ Do you not know what ’ s going on right now ?
We ’ re trying to save lives here .
”

Handy man who sadly still hasn’t managed to DIY a fix to the aged care crisis, Prime Minister Scott Morrison, has today uploaded a fun video of himself making a cubby house as the nation slowly collapses in on itself. The Prime Minister, who still hasn’t deployed arts industry rescue package three months after it was announced, used the opportunity building the cubby house to show off that he is great at working with his hands, like when he wraps them around the arts sector and slowly strangles it to death.
“How great is DIY! I’m great at working with tools,” beamed Morrison in a brazen attempt to win over orange collar voters, “Just have a look at this cabinet I built using some of my favourite tools – like Joyce, Cash, McCormack, Taylor. And also a spanner named Peter Dutton. All the ingredients were ethically sourced from my old crumbling front bench too!”
“I love it, I do handy-work all the time now that I know that’s a thing people who are too poor to buy a new house every time there is a crack in the wall does. It feels so good to actually do something productive, I haven’t done anything in years. When my daughters wanted to do something with their daddy, I thought what better than make a cubby house and video it so I can use it to gain support. I mean not everything is about politics of course, but the key to good marketing is to manipulate those situations into ways to garner support.”
While of course Morrison should not be shamed for spending quality time with his kids, some have questioned the choice to spend a large amount of time on a project and brag about it on Father’s Day while many Aussies are unable to see their fathers. Morrison responded to those critics saying that he was simply doing what any father who needed a bump in two party preferred polls would do. “What else was I meant to do? I had already called off going into parliament and drafting up bills about how to deal with the virus, so it’s not like I was ditching work. You can’t ditch work if you cancel it. As I see it, Father’s Day is for one thing and one thing only, publicity stunts. A lot of these people haven’t even got jobs that require publicity stunts, so why are they complaining?”
“I just wanted to have a private moment with my daughters who missed me then turn that private moment into a public spectacle, that doesn’t mean I want the public getting involved in my private life, now that has backfired on twitter.”
When asked if the Premier of Victoria if they had done any large DIY projects, a representative for the Andrews government said something dictatory probably. “When would we have time to do that?” asked a representative, clearly channeling Stalin. “Do you not know what’s going on right now? We’re trying to save lives here.”


thechaser--2020-09-08--Scott Morrison already negatively gearing cubbyhouse

Prime Minister Scott “ Who ” Morrison has today confirmed he is a financial genius , after taking advantage of all available tax breaks for the cubby house he built in his backyard .
“ I borrowed $ 1000 for this investment cubby and I ’ m currently charging children $ 5 each time they play in there , ” explained Morrison .
“ That ’ s a net loss .
Why shouldn ’ t I take advantage of the perfectly fair and not-at-all-favouring rich pricks system to make a few extra thousand dollars ?
” Negative gearing is a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if the income on an investment property is less than the outgoings and never shut the fuck up about it .
It has been confirmed , through a series of tortuously obtuse arguments , that it may not adversely affect the ability of young people to get on the ladder , but also probably does .
“ Look the fact is this is technically a second dwelling , and also an extension on my house , and also technically my daughter ’ s first home , so I ’ d be foolish not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ high income earners like myself , ” explained Morrison after being asked a completely unrelated question about the arts relief package .
“ I mean , I can hardly help the fact that the law is the way that it is .
Just because I wrote and voted these laws into existence doesn ’ t mean us politicians are only thinking about ourselves .
We also look out for our billionaire donors !
” Holding $ 15 and watching his daughter and two friends sit in the bare wooden structure , Morrison became @ @ @ @ @ @ @ quickly , ” he said .
“ Before we know it these little ones will be gifted the deposits for their own investment properties , and begin negatively gearing them all on their own .
I don ’ t know why more of these lazy millennials don ’ t think to do that.
” A source inside the Prime Minister ’ s house has revealed that the Prime Minister is also seeking to classify the dog house in his garden as a dwelling , and would then get the loan to value ratio @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out to three students as a “ cosy bedshare ” .

Prime Minister Scott “Who” Morrison has today confirmed he is a financial genius, after taking advantage of all available tax breaks for the cubby house he built in his backyard.
“I borrowed $1000 for this investment cubby and I’m currently charging children $5 each time they play in there,” explained Morrison. “That’s a net loss. Why shouldn’t I take advantage of the perfectly fair and not-at-all-favouring rich pricks system to make a few extra thousand dollars?”
Negative gearing is a situation in which homeowners claim tax relief if the income on an investment property is less than the outgoings and never shut the fuck up about it. It has been confirmed, through a series of tortuously obtuse arguments, that it may not adversely affect the ability of young people to get on the ladder, but also probably does.
“Look the fact is this is technically a second dwelling, and also an extension on my house, and also technically my daughter’s first home, so I’d be foolish not to use the tax breaks available to high income earners like myself,” explained Morrison after being asked a completely unrelated question about the arts relief package. “I mean, I can hardly help the fact that the law is the way that it is. Just because I wrote and voted these laws into existence doesn’t mean us politicians are only thinking about ourselves. We also look out for our billionaire donors!”
Holding $15 and watching his daughter and two friends sit in the bare wooden structure, Morrison became pensive. “Time goes by so quickly,” he said. “Before we know it these little ones will be gifted the deposits for their own investment properties, and begin negatively gearing them all on their own. I don’t know why more of these lazy millennials don’t think to do that.”
A source inside the Prime Minister’s house has revealed that the Prime Minister is also seeking to classify the dog house in his garden as a dwelling, and would then get the loan to value ratio as high as possible before renting it out to three students as a “cosy bedshare”.


thechaser--2020-09-08--QLD announces further border lockdowns after Meatloaf reveals he’s free for the AFL grand final

Queensland Premier Anastacia Palaszczuk today announced that Queensland and Queenslanders would go into further lockdown after she was contacted by Meatloaf ’ s management letting her know that he was free around the time on the AFL Grand Final was due to happen at the GABBA .
The new “ anti-Meatloaf ” measures a reported to include the closing of all ports , roads , bus stations and all large postage will be monitored for suspiciously a-tonal contents .
Taking no risks the premier also announced that essential food supplies would no longer be issued exceptions to cross the border @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ‘ Meatloaf ’ may cause a pestilent outbreak of ageing 80s rockstars to sneak through .
In Queensland Parliament today the Premier also announced that she would do anything to secure the AFL rights , but she won ’ t do that .
“ Let me be very clear , Queenslanders and Australians have suffered enough in 2020 already without having to listen to a 72 year old signing about pursuing a young girl in a short skirt despite her saying no .
We don ’ t want to cause a second bout @ @ @ @ @ @

Queensland Premier Anastacia Palaszczuk today announced that Queensland and Queenslanders would go into further lockdown after she was contacted by Meatloaf’s management letting her know that he was free around the time on the AFL Grand Final was due to happen at the GABBA.
The new “anti-Meatloaf” measures a reported to include the closing of all ports, roads, bus stations and all large postage will be monitored for suspiciously a-tonal contents.
Taking no risks the premier also announced that essential food supplies would no longer be issued exceptions to cross the border, for fear confusion over the term ‘Meatloaf’ may cause a pestilent outbreak of ageing 80s rockstars to sneak through.
In Queensland Parliament today the Premier also announced that she would do anything to secure the AFL rights, but she won’t do that. “Let me be very clear, Queenslanders and Australians have suffered enough in 2020 already without having to listen to a 72 year old signing about pursuing a young girl in a short skirt despite her saying no. We don’t want to cause a second bout of mass public illness.”


thechaser--2020-09-08--“It’s not about masks, it’s about human rights!” claims guy who never once gave a shit about Nauru

Local coronary waiting to happen Greg “ University of Life ” Watson has today refused to put on a mask before going to the shops , stating that doing the absolute bear minimum to help prevent needless deaths was an infringement of his human rights .
“ If I want to go to Woolworths and infect a bunch of people then the Dan Andrews PC mob aren ’ t going to stop me from killing a few Grandmas.
” “ I ’ m sick of being oppressed , ” continued the man who has never once faced prejudice in any @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s not even about the mask , it ’ s about basic human rights , haven ’ t you read the Universal Declaration ?
” However , those close to Greg say it is entirely about the masks , and that he actually doesn ’ t give one single shit about human rights .
“ Yea he was deadset against the plebiscite , and he keeps calling the Black Lives Matter protestors terrorists , ” explained Greg ’ s next door Neighbour Tim .
“ What ’ s more he ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thinks that every asylum seeker deserves to be put in camps .
He even hates the Biloela Tamil family , which I didn ’ t think was even possible .
Guy ’ s a right Dutton.
” Asked whether it was true that the only human right he actually cares about is his own right to do whatever he wants , Greg said that was preposterous , before driving off without indicating in his lead-petrol guzzling Lamborghini .

Local coronary waiting to happen Greg “University of Life” Watson has today refused to put on a mask before going to the shops, stating that doing the absolute bear minimum to help prevent needless deaths was an infringement of his human rights.
“If I want to go to Woolworths and infect a bunch of people then the Dan Andrews PC mob aren’t going to stop me from killing a few Grandmas.”
“I’m sick of being oppressed,” continued the man who has never once faced prejudice in any facet of his life. “It’s not even about the mask, it’s about basic human rights, haven’t you read the Universal Declaration?”
However, those close to Greg say it is entirely about the masks, and that he actually doesn’t give one single shit about human rights. “Yea he was deadset against the plebiscite, and he keeps calling the Black Lives Matter protestors terrorists,” explained Greg’s next door Neighbour Tim. “What’s more he’s obsessed with stopping the boats, and thinks that every asylum seeker deserves to be put in camps. He even hates the Biloela Tamil family, which I didn’t think was even possible. Guy’s a right Dutton.”
Asked whether it was true that the only human right he actually cares about is his own right to do whatever he wants, Greg said that was preposterous, before driving off without indicating in his lead-petrol guzzling Lamborghini.


thechaser--2020-09-08--“Dan Andrews was too lax” says guy that held off lockdown for a week so Hillsong could hold a party

Part-time Prime Minister of Australia Scott “ Aloha ” Morrison , has this week lashed out at Victorian Premier Daniel @ @ @ @ @ have done more to prevent a second outbreak .
“ Why wasn ’ t he @ @ @ @ @ federal government ?
” asked a furious Morrison .
“ What he should have done @ @ @ @ @ that doesn ’ t work , fuck up aged care , and then delay lockdown @ @ @ @ @ go to his big religious arena party in the middle of a pandemic.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ was the bare minimum , ” Morrison continued .
“ You know , fly to @ @ @ @ @ house , lose 60 billion dollars .
Basic crisis leadership.
” Asked when exactly he @ @ @ @ @ to launching the arts sector recovery package that he promised months ago , Morrison said @ @ @ @ @ any day now , but he ’ s got a lot of Sharkies games on @ @ @

“Dan Andrews was too lax” says guy that held off lockdown for a week so Hillsong could hold a party
Part-time Prime Minister of Australia Scott “Aloha” Morrison, has this week lashed out at Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews, saying he should have done more to prevent a second outbreak. “Why wasn’t he more like the very organised federal government?” asked a furious Morrison. “What he should have done is launched a tracing app that doesn’t work, fuck up aged care, and then delay lockdown because he really wanted to go to his big religious arena party in the middle of a pandemic.”
“All he needed to do was the bare minimum,” Morrison continued. “You know, fly to Hawaii, build a cubby house, lose 60 billion dollars. Basic crisis leadership.”
Asked when exactly he was going to get around to launching the arts sector recovery package that he promised months ago, Morrison said that it would be coming any day now, but he’s got a lot of Sharkies games on his plate.


thechaser--2020-09-09--Policeman makes sure to turn off bodycam before behaving reasonably

A Melbourne police officer has turned off his bodycam in preparation for helping a lost child find his mother .
Constable Josh Brown flicked the switch on his BWC ( body worn camera ) the moment he heard the toddler ’ s cries .
Speaking from the cereal aisle of a suburban Coles , Constable Brown said “ Being a police officer is a tough job .
There ’ s no point making it tougher by attracting allegations of humanity .
If my colleagues saw me reuniting a crying child with their parent instead of ignoring it or bodyslamming it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ career suicide.
” Constable Brown revealed he does not always switch off his camera before performing a humane act .
Brown said “ Sometimes I cover it with tape , like my laptop camera when I ’ m watching a Ken Burns documentary instead of cop_hits_hippy_with_baton_HILARIOUS.mov , or I might just put my thumb over it if I ’ m giving a motorist directions.
” Despite the camera being off , Brown took no chances that any footage would ever come to light .
Witness Kevin West said “ When he saw me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ phone out of my hand and hit me in the face with a can of peas .
”

A Melbourne police officer has turned off his bodycam in preparation for helping a lost child find his mother. Constable Josh Brown flicked the switch on his BWC (body worn camera) the moment he heard the toddler’s cries.
Speaking from the cereal aisle of a suburban Coles, Constable Brown said “Being a police officer is a tough job. There’s no point making it tougher by attracting allegations of humanity. If my colleagues saw me reuniting a crying child with their parent instead of ignoring it or bodyslamming it into the ground it’d be career suicide.”
Constable Brown revealed he does not always switch off his camera before performing a humane act. Brown said “Sometimes I cover it with tape, like my laptop camera when I’m watching a Ken Burns documentary instead of cop_hits_hippy_with_baton_HILARIOUS.mov, or I might just put my thumb over it if I’m giving a motorist directions.”
Despite the camera being off, Brown took no chances that any footage would ever come to light. Witness Kevin West said “When he saw me Facetiming my uncle nearby he slapped the phone out of my hand and hit me in the face with a can of peas.”


thechaser--2020-09-09--Facebook to avoid paying for news by just browsing in incognito mode

The Facebook corporation has today confirmed it will circumvent recent attempts by the ACCC to make it pay for news content – by using incognito mode , just like everyone else .
“ It ’ s a piece of piss , ” said Chief Executive Officer Mark Zuckerberg .
“ Look , you just click on these three dots then select New Incognito Window and they don ’ t know you ’ ve run out of free articles .
Or you can hit Command , Shift and N if you ’ re on a Mac .
Or Control , Shift @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s literally fuck all they can do about it.
” “ That ’ s if you ’ re using Chrome , ” he continued .
“ I ’ m not even sure if you can open multiple windows yet in Internet Explorer so I guess Microsoft ’ s out of luck.
” Analysts predict the move could save the company up to five billion dollars over the next decade .
“ Incognito mode isn ’ t just for rubbing one out , ” explained one technology expert , “ it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for your partner before rubbing one out.
” “ It ’ s a powerful tool in the battlefield between old and new media .
It ’ s also good for looking at people you went to school with on LinkedIn.
” Facebook ’ s stock soared on the news , costing the Sydney Morning Herald millions in the process .

Facebook to avoid paying for news by just browsing in incognito mode
The Facebook corporation has today confirmed it will circumvent recent attempts by the ACCC to make it pay for news content – by using incognito mode, just like everyone else.
“It’s a piece of piss,” said Chief Executive Officer Mark Zuckerberg. “Look, you just click on these three dots then select New Incognito Window and they don’t know you’ve run out of free articles. Or you can hit Command, Shift and N if you’re on a Mac. Or Control, Shift and N on a PC. There’s literally fuck all they can do about it.”
“That’s if you’re using Chrome,” he continued. “I’m not even sure if you can open multiple windows yet in Internet Explorer so I guess Microsoft’s out of luck.”
Analysts predict the move could save the company up to five billion dollars over the next decade. “Incognito mode isn’t just for rubbing one out,” explained one technology expert, “it’s also great for searching for a present for your partner before rubbing one out.”
“It’s a powerful tool in the battlefield between old and new media. It’s also good for looking at people you went to school with on LinkedIn.”
Facebook’s stock soared on the news, costing the Sydney Morning Herald millions in the process.


thechaser--2020-09-09--Peter Dutton demands Victorian border be opened to French au pairs

Minister for Legumes Peter Dutton has today descended from his ominous hillside castle to demand that Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews immediately open the border to the french backpacking nannies of his close acquaintances .
“ I have been very clear on my stance on borders for years now , ” explained Dutton between sips on his goblet of blood .
“ I think they should all be closed except if somebody bribes me enough and the person trying to get through is white.
” Asked why he has chosen to speak out now , instead of the much larger lockdown @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said it was simple .
“ Well you see the virus is different now , ” explained the Dark Omen for Dickson .
“ Before the lockdowns were affecting all states , so it wouldn ’ t look good for us to oppose them .
But now it ’ s only the Labor states that are locked down , so clearly it is a stupid to try save the lives of those voters.
” Asked how his proposed solution would work , given there are likely no French au pairs given the national @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that while they are closed , he has still been letting in any and all French au pairs , as clearly they are an essential service .
“ Just think of the devastation it would cause for the economy if our nation ’ s wealthy elites were forced to do domestic duties themselves , ” explained Dutton .
“ Gosh , you don ’ t get to be a powerful CEO by doing cooking , cleaning and child rearing you know .
Those jobs are for the lazy poor who we don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Now if you ’ ll excuse me , I have a booking to appear in someone ’ s mirror in ten , so I have to go put my fangs in .
”

Minister for Legumes Peter Dutton has today descended from his ominous hillside castle to demand that Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews immediately open the border to the french backpacking nannies of his close acquaintances. “I have been very clear on my stance on borders for years now,” explained Dutton between sips on his goblet of blood. “I think they should all be closed except if somebody bribes me enough and the person trying to get through is white.”
Asked why he has chosen to speak out now, instead of the much larger lockdown that happened a few months ago Dutton said it was simple. “Well you see the virus is different now,” explained the Dark Omen for Dickson. “Before the lockdowns were affecting all states, so it wouldn’t look good for us to oppose them. But now it’s only the Labor states that are locked down, so clearly it is a stupid to try save the lives of those voters.”
Asked how his proposed solution would work, given there are likely no French au pairs given the national borders are currently closed, Dutton explained that while they are closed, he has still been letting in any and all French au pairs, as clearly they are an essential service. “Just think of the devastation it would cause for the economy if our nation’s wealthy elites were forced to do domestic duties themselves,” explained Dutton. “Gosh, you don’t get to be a powerful CEO by doing cooking, cleaning and child rearing you know. Those jobs are for the lazy poor who we don’t care very much for at all. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a booking to appear in someone’s mirror in ten, so I have to go put my fangs in.”


thechaser--2020-09-10--Scott Morrison pledges help for California bushfires by volunteering to fly to Hawaii

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today offered to pledge all available resources Australia can offer in helping California battle it ’ s deadly gender-reveal bushfires , including an offer of firemen , water planes , and an expenses paid vacation to Hawaii for the governor of California .
“ There ’ s a lot we can learn from Australia ’ s experience at home that we can contribute to help prevent these national disasters , ” explained Morrison today .
“ For example , don ’ t come back from a 3 week vacation then go around trying to force @ @ @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t like that for some reason.
” Asked how exactly a Hawaii trip for it ’ s leader would help California as it battles fires , a pandemic , and an economic collapse , Morrison said offering the governor a vacation was the least he could do .
“ And I mean that , ” explained Morrison , “ our donors have given us very clear instructions that if we do anything more to fight climate change we ’ re not getting our Christmas bonus this year , so I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , it ’ s 1pm so that ’ s me done for the day .
If anyone needs me I ’ ll be in the cubby house .
”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today offered to pledge all available resources Australia can offer in helping California battle it’s deadly gender-reveal bushfires, including an offer of firemen, water planes, and an expenses paid vacation to Hawaii for the governor of California.
“There’s a lot we can learn from Australia’s experience at home that we can contribute to help prevent these national disasters,” explained Morrison today. “For example, don’t come back from a 3 week vacation then go around trying to force people to shake their hands. They don’t like that for some reason.”
Asked how exactly a Hawaii trip for it’s leader would help California as it battles fires, a pandemic, and an economic collapse, Morrison said offering the governor a vacation was the least he could do. “And I mean that,” explained Morrison, “our donors have given us very clear instructions that if we do anything more to fight climate change we’re not getting our Christmas bonus this year, so I’m aiming very low.”
“Anyway, it’s 1pm so that’s me done for the day. If anyone needs me I’ll be in the cubby house.”


thechaser--2020-09-11--Guy who ‘hates snowflakes’ now boycotting award shows, sport, cheese, lollies, ice cream…

White conservatives all around the world are outraged that the Oscars would listen to the ‘ outrage culture ’ and add diversity requirements for the best picture award as of 2024 .
These ‘ snowflake hating alpha males ’ tweeted that they are ‘ sick to death of woke nonsense leading to idiots boycotting everything ’ and have announced they will add the Oscars to their list of boycotts alongside tv networks , movie studios , radio stations , supermarkets , clothing brands , charities , humanitarian organisations , toys , Gillette Razors , Ben and Jerry ’ s ice-cream @ @ @ @ @ @ @ etc .
“ I haven ’ t been this mad since those female rappers said the ‘ p-word ’ !
” exclaimed Darrell , a man who blames women for why he doesn ’ t go on many second dates .
“ I miss the good old days when people could say what we really think and no one cared if anyone got offended and women weren ’ t allowed to say certain words on the radio.
” “ Back in the good old days there was no cancel culture , in fact @ @ @ @ @ @ @ We did this maturely , by sending constant letters of complaint anytime we watched tv and we saw things like gay people , black people , Asian people , disabled people or women with their own goals and opinions.
” “ I already didn ’ t watch the awards because the Hollywood elites are a bunch of virtue signalling SJWs , but now these new rules will turn the award show into virtue signalling SJW propaganda .
It ’ s what George Orwell ’ s 1984 warned us about , I assume .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m pretty sure it says trying to remove structural oppression is bad.
” Experts in the industry have reacted to the claims stating these quotas would have stopped many classic movies from being nominated .
“ Do you understand how hard it is to reach this low bar they set here ?
” asked one producer .
“ Every major movie will now have to hire a couple of women or people of colour in background roles in order to qualify .
Do you have any idea how hard it is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ direct circle of friends ?
” The Logies have also announced they think they have also been boycotted over the last decade , and are now considering changing the rules to require that every TV station must show at least one non-white person a year .
In a statement they put out they said something…I don ’ t know .
To be honest , I couldn ’ t be bothered enough to read it .
It ’ s not like anyone cares enough about the Logies to be annoyed by this .

White conservatives all around the world are outraged that the Oscars would listen to the ‘outrage culture’ and add diversity requirements for the best picture award as of 2024. These ‘snowflake hating alpha males’ tweeted that they are ‘sick to death of woke nonsense leading to idiots boycotting everything’ and have announced they will add the Oscars to their list of boycotts alongside tv networks, movie studios, radio stations, supermarkets, clothing brands, charities, humanitarian organisations, toys, Gillette Razors, Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream, lolly brands, cheese companies, etc.
“I haven’t been this mad since those female rappers said the ‘p-word’!” exclaimed Darrell, a man who blames women for why he doesn’t go on many second dates. “I miss the good old days when people could say what we really think and no one cared if anyone got offended and women weren’t allowed to say certain words on the radio.”
“Back in the good old days there was no cancel culture, in fact we ‘protected family values’! We did this maturely, by sending constant letters of complaint anytime we watched tv and we saw things like gay people, black people, Asian people, disabled people or women with their own goals and opinions.”
“I already didn’t watch the awards because the Hollywood elites are a bunch of virtue signalling SJWs, but now these new rules will turn the award show into virtue signalling SJW propaganda. It’s what George Orwell’s 1984 warned us about, I assume. I haven’t read it but I’m pretty sure it says trying to remove structural oppression is bad.”
Experts in the industry have reacted to the claims stating these quotas would have stopped many classic movies from being nominated. “Do you understand how hard it is to reach this low bar they set here?” asked one producer. “Every major movie will now have to hire a couple of women or people of colour in background roles in order to qualify. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find people like that in my direct circle of friends?”
The Logies have also announced they think they have also been boycotted over the last decade, and are now considering changing the rules to require that every TV station must show at least one non-white person a year. In a statement they put out they said something…I don’t know. To be honest, I couldn’t be bothered enough to read it. It’s not like anyone cares enough about the Logies to be annoyed by this.


thechaser--2020-09-12--Leaked polling suggests most Australians think Herald Sun is dogshit

Shocking developments today are suggesting all of Australia thinks the Herald Sun and its editorial staff are absolute dogshit .
This development comes from leaked internal polling data conducted by us , of a statistically insignificant amount of people we already suspected would hate the Herald Sun .
If we use this unbiased data to represent a larger data set , then use that to represent all of Australia then we have proof everyone thinks they are a completely unreliable and extremely biased news source .
We asked a series of questions to the 5ish people and here are the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sun ?
0 % Yes , 100 % No Do you think the Herald Sun is Dogshit ?
100 % Yes , 0 % No How much do you trust the Herald Sun ?
0 % any amount , 100 % Fuck All Do you think the Herald Sun should just stop ?
100 % Oh my god yes how good would that be ?
This damning evidence shows serious issues for the public perception of the ‘ news ’ paper after recent controversies around basically every article they have ever written comprising @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that their editorial standards are even worse than ours , and we don ’ t even bother checking facts most the time , which is the one thing we have in common with the Herald Sun .
In response to our data the Herald Sun showed us some upcoming polls they have ready to go to prove they do actually have editorial standards : Smash mouth is the best band ever ( according data from members of Smash Mouth ) , eating pizza and liking wine makes you unique and quirky ( according @ @ @ @ @ @ @ should just be left to die out ( according to data from NSW Nationals members ) , The Herald Sun is trustworthy ( according to 40 % of writers at the Herald Sun ) and journalists in Australia do a fair and balanced job in their questioning of Labor ministers compared to Liberal ministers ( this according to the percentage of media operated by News Corp plus a few ABC journos ) .

Shocking developments today are suggesting all of Australia thinks the Herald Sun and its editorial staff are absolute dogshit. This development comes from leaked internal polling data conducted by us, of a statistically insignificant amount of people we already suspected would hate the Herald Sun. If we use this unbiased data to represent a larger data set, then use that to represent all of Australia then we have proof everyone thinks they are a completely unreliable and extremely biased news source.
We asked a series of questions to the 5ish people and here are the results:
Do you read the Herald Sun? 0% Yes, 100% No
Do you think the Herald Sun is Dogshit? 100% Yes, 0% No
How much do you trust the Herald Sun? 0% any amount, 100% Fuck All
Do you think the Herald Sun should just stop? 100% Oh my god yes how good would that be?
This damning evidence shows serious issues for the public perception of the ‘news’ paper after recent controversies around basically every article they have ever written comprising glaring inaccuracies. Some Australians even allege that their editorial standards are even worse than ours, and we don’t even bother checking facts most the time, which is the one thing we have in common with the Herald Sun.
In response to our data the Herald Sun showed us some upcoming polls they have ready to go to prove they do actually have editorial standards: Smash mouth is the best band ever (according data from members of Smash Mouth), eating pizza and liking wine makes you unique and quirky (according to data from Millennials), koalas should just be left to die out (according to data from NSW Nationals members), The Herald Sun is trustworthy (according to 40% of writers at the Herald Sun) and journalists in Australia do a fair and balanced job in their questioning of Labor ministers compared to Liberal ministers (this according to the percentage of media operated by News Corp plus a few ABC journos).


thechaser--2020-09-12--God begins 2020’s redemption-arc by cancelling the Kardashians

God , amateur universe creator/father of one/Instagram influencer , this week decided to begin amending the many fuck-ups and disasters made this year by announcing that there will be no more seasons of Keeping Up With The Kardashians .
In an interview with His most trusted news source , The Daily Mail , God admitted that in crafting the plot outline for 2020 he may have gone “ a tad overboard on the disasters.
” “ Mike , Raph , and Gabe started being nostalgic for the time in Exodus when we threw everything we could at Egypt with the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of our favourite producers , Michael Bay , we realised that the fans were dying for a sequel.
” stated one of Heaven ’ s executive writers this week .
“ What we didn ’ t anticipate was them literally dying for a sequel.
” As of yet , 2020 has been an infamous series for the planet , jam-packed with fires , a pandemic , and the release of George Pell .
And so in order to begin making things right , God ’ s PR team has advised Him to start @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Rather than addressing large scale issues such as the climate crisis , widespread famine , or Tony Abbott ’ s sustained existence , God ’ s first divine intervention will consist of using His divine powers to influence the Kardashians to call it quits and announce the season finale for their show after 14 years and 20 seasons .
Some die-hard fans hypothesise that this announcement is a red-herring from the writers , and that the cancellation of KUWTK is not only due to the fact that interest in the Kardashians is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ too nears its final days , with 2020 marking the season finale for the species .
Satan – writer and producer of G.O.T ’ s final season – has refused to provide a comment regarding his competitor ’ s plans to fix 2020 , and instead has chosen to focus on promoting his latest ongoing project , happily announcing the news that TikTok is now rebranding to focus on delivering snuff-films to children .

God, amateur universe creator/father of one/Instagram influencer, this week decided to begin amending the many fuck-ups and disasters made this year by announcing that there will be no more seasons of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
In an interview with His most trusted news source, The Daily Mail, God admitted that in crafting the plot outline for 2020 he may have gone “a tad overboard on the disasters.”
“Mike, Raph, and Gabe started being nostalgic for the time in Exodus when we threw everything we could at Egypt with the 10 plagues, and after consulting one of our favourite producers, Michael Bay, we realised that the fans were dying for a sequel.” stated one of Heaven’s executive writers this week. “What we didn’t anticipate was them literally dying for a sequel.”
As of yet, 2020 has been an infamous series for the planet, jam-packed with fires, a pandemic, and the release of George Pell. And so in order to begin making things right, God’s PR team has advised Him to start cleaning up humanity’s biggest problems.
Rather than addressing large scale issues such as the climate crisis, widespread famine, or Tony Abbott’s sustained existence, God’s first divine intervention will consist of using His divine powers to influence the Kardashians to call it quits and announce the season finale for their show after 14 years and 20 seasons.
Some die-hard fans hypothesise that this announcement is a red-herring from the writers, and that the cancellation of KUWTK is not only due to the fact that interest in the Kardashians is nearing its end, but that humanity too nears its final days, with 2020 marking the season finale for the species.
Satan – writer and producer of G.O.T’s final season – has refused to provide a comment regarding his competitor’s plans to fix 2020, and instead has chosen to focus on promoting his latest ongoing project, happily announcing the news that TikTok is now rebranding to focus on delivering snuff-films to children.


thechaser--2020-09-13--Mike Cannon-Brookes is very smart and good looking and also he smells really good and has a lovely p

Billionaire and very generous man Mike Cannon-Brookes has today generously given his entire wealth to the Chaser after reading this article and being very flattered by it .
Though originally stating that they are “ not for sale ” owners of the Chaser website have since reconsidered and decided that was not at all a good business plan , and that in fact they would probably sell out for a cheeseburger in this media market .
“ Boy , isn ’ t Mike a great guy , ” expressed one of the interchangeable Chaser boys .
“ I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who is a really awesome guy and also did I mention he is very generous.
” Stocks in all of Mike ’ s companies rose on the news , as everybody though Mike giving money to the Chaser was a really good business idea and also that he now looks even more like the statue of David , assuming that ’ s something that he likes and if not we can change this line for $ 5 .
Mike managed the superhuman feat of supporting to the Chaser by simply following this link @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fingers to enter his credit card details .

Mike Cannon-Brookes is very smart and good looking and also he smells really good and has a lovely personality
Billionaire and very generous man Mike Cannon-Brookes has today generously given his entire wealth to the Chaser after reading this article and being very flattered by it.
Though originally stating that they are “not for sale” owners of the Chaser website have since reconsidered and decided that was not at all a good business plan, and that in fact they would probably sell out for a cheeseburger in this media market.
“Boy, isn’t Mike a great guy,” expressed one of the interchangeable Chaser boys. “I’m not nearly as good as Mike, who is a really awesome guy and also did I mention he is very generous.”
Stocks in all of Mike’s companies rose on the news, as everybody though Mike giving money to the Chaser was a really good business idea and also that he now looks even more like the statue of David, assuming that’s something that he likes and if not we can change this line for $5.
Mike managed the superhuman feat of supporting to the Chaser by simply following this link and then using his luxurious and efervescent fingers to enter his credit card details.


thechaser--2020-09-15--Angus Taylor worried his lobbying for gas might upset his mates over at the coal lobby

While many Australians are worried by plans to introduce more fossil fuel power plants over concerns it could kill our entire species , the Energy Minister Angus Taylor has expressed a more pressing concern that his plans could alienate his mates over at the coal lobby .
Experts have expressed surprise that a government in the pocket of the gas industry would announce a policy that gave more money to the gas industry .
But they said it could cause a rift between them and coal magnates .
We sat down with Energy Minister and poshest douche to ever try @ @ @ @ @ @ @ folk , Angus Taylor to find out his reasoning around the controversial decision many are labelling “ really fucking stupid ” : “ It was a tough decision to make but I feel we have made the right one , ” said the real-life Bond villain .
“ We know this might be a polarising decision but ultimately we had to do what we thought was best .
When we asked scientists whether we should go for coal or gas power , once they shut up about their whole ‘ renewable ’ nonsense @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to be the way to go .
They described it as an ‘ outdated and ineffective fossil-based power system funded by the rich that is full of hot air , which may offer a short-term solution to a problem but will be far worse for Australia in the long run and only serve to help the rich ” , which is exactly how they describe the LNP and our policies !
So , we knew we had to go for it.
” In response to the announcement , renewable energy researchers have announced @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that could bring in renewable energy with this government in charge , “ We have decided to see if we could possibly find a way to harness the energy released by forests , wildlife houses when they are burning down during the bushfire season .
Maybe we could even get some investment from the government for once , since our solution still involves stuff burning up releasing CO2 and probably won ’ t hurt the back pocket of their rich mates.
” Opposition Leader and guy who makes ‘ dudes who claim they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cool , Anthony Albanese has reportedly begun drafting a speech to not really say anything about the Government ’ s proposal to destroy the planet .
“ We don ’ t want to take a side on this particular issue , ” said one Labor insider .
“ Who knows , maybe destroying the entire planet polls well in the outer suburbs .
We can ’ t risk saving the planet if it goes against the polls .
”

While many Australians are worried by plans to introduce more fossil fuel power plants over concerns it could kill our entire species, the Energy Minister Angus Taylor has expressed a more pressing concern that his plans could alienate his mates over at the coal lobby.
Experts have expressed surprise that a government in the pocket of the gas industry would announce a policy that gave more money to the gas industry. But they said it could cause a rift between them and coal magnates.
We sat down with Energy Minister and poshest douche to ever try pretend to give a shit about country folk, Angus Taylor to find out his reasoning around the controversial decision many are labelling “really fucking stupid”:
“It was a tough decision to make but I feel we have made the right one,” said the real-life Bond villain. “We know this might be a polarising decision but ultimately we had to do what we thought was best. When we asked scientists whether we should go for coal or gas power, once they shut up about their whole ‘renewable’ nonsense, we quickly realised that gas had to be the way to go. They described it as an ‘outdated and ineffective fossil-based power system funded by the rich that is full of hot air, which may offer a short-term solution to a problem but will be far worse for Australia in the long run and only serve to help the rich”, which is exactly how they describe the LNP and our policies! So, we knew we had to go for it.”
In response to the announcement, renewable energy researchers have announced plans to begin research into a solution that could bring in renewable energy with this government in charge, “We have decided to see if we could possibly find a way to harness the energy released by forests, wildlife houses when they are burning down during the bushfire season. Maybe we could even get some investment from the government for once, since our solution still involves stuff burning up releasing CO2 and probably won’t hurt the back pocket of their rich mates.”
Opposition Leader and guy who makes ‘dudes who claim they are a dj’ somehow even less cool, Anthony Albanese has reportedly begun drafting a speech to not really say anything about the Government’s proposal to destroy the planet. “We don’t want to take a side on this particular issue,” said one Labor insider. “Who knows, maybe destroying the entire planet polls well in the outer suburbs. We can’t risk saving the planet if it goes against the polls.”


thechaser--2020-09-14--News Corp decides police brutality is bad now that it’s happening to white people

News Corp have today changed their view on the issue of whether it ’ s okay for protesters to gather in large numbers outside , after a bunch of white conspiracy theorists were brutalised by police .
Stating that the police have gone “ too far ” , journalists for the company have been placed on medical supervision after coming dangerously close to understanding the point .
“ This kind of brutish behaviour by police is just not on , ” said a representative for the media company who last month called Black Lives Matter a fad .
“ It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people shouldn ’ t be harmed by government employees who are supposed to be out there protecting them.
” News Corp reporters are now calling for a full defunding of the police , instead requesting that the money used to pay for law enforcement be redirected into social services that will find alternative ways to keep the conspiracy theorists out of the path of the law , like the development of 6G internet .
“ We suspect that if we roll this out in the next year , then no conspiracy theorists will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ explained a Telstra representative .
“ Not because they ’ re afraid of the rays mind you , it ’ s just binge streaming TV will be far too easy.
” Asked whether they were concerned that these protestors might get in the way of health and emergency vehicles , as they have complained about with nearly every other protest to ever happen , a representative for News Corp explained that was no longer a problem .
“ No that was last year that we were anti-protest and pro-healthcarers , now we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ those so called “ doctors ” started trying to save all our lives .
Try to keep up everyone .
”

News Corp have today changed their view on the issue of whether it’s okay for protesters to gather in large numbers outside, after a bunch of white conspiracy theorists were brutalised by police. Stating that the police have gone “too far”, journalists for the company have been placed on medical supervision after coming dangerously close to understanding the point.
“This kind of brutish behaviour by police is just not on,” said a representative for the media company who last month called Black Lives Matter a fad. “It’s just basic human rights that people shouldn’t be harmed by government employees who are supposed to be out there protecting them.”
News Corp reporters are now calling for a full defunding of the police, instead requesting that the money used to pay for law enforcement be redirected into social services that will find alternative ways to keep the conspiracy theorists out of the path of the law, like the development of 6G internet. “We suspect that if we roll this out in the next year, then no conspiracy theorists will ever leave their house again,” explained a Telstra representative. “Not because they’re afraid of the rays mind you, it’s just binge streaming TV will be far too easy.”
Asked whether they were concerned that these protestors might get in the way of health and emergency vehicles, as they have complained about with nearly every other protest to ever happen, a representative for News Corp explained that was no longer a problem. “No that was last year that we were anti-protest and pro-healthcarers, now we’re pro-protest and anti-healthcarers, ever since those so called “doctors” started trying to save all our lives. Try to keep up everyone.”