thechaser--2020-05-09--Mysterious U2 album called “Not a tracking app” appears on everyone’s phone

Minister for the Department of Home Affairs , Peter Dutton , responded to a crowd of journalists outside one of his properties this morning .
At least we assume it was his , he wouldn ’ t declare so either way .
The furore comes after millions of Australians woke up this morning to discover a new U2 album mysteriously installed on their phones , entitled ‘ Not a tracking app ’ .
Despite government insistence that there is nothing suspect about the unauthorised install of the album , some of the track titles have raised more questions than answers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t Found What I ’ m Looking For ( Your Webcam ) , ‘ Stuck In A House You Can ’ t Get Out Of ’ and ‘ I Will Follow ( As Long As I Am Open And Running 100 % Of The Time With No Other Bluetooth Operations ) ’ .
Our inbox has been inundated with reports , here are some excerpts from a number of interviews we conducted : “ This is quite clearly a serious breach of privacy laws .
Not once did I accept installation of this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wasn ’ t even prompted .
What other access does the government have to our personal devices ?
” – Samantha , cyber security expert , Preston “ This has absolutely ruined my Spotify algorithm .
I exclusively listen to post-shoegaze-sludge-core and because of this , Coldplay has now appeared in my ‘ Discover ’ playlist.
” – Tarkyn , Newtown “ As if I ’ ve downloaded this .
Bono is a fucking wanker.
” – Darren , Toowomba .
Prime Minister , Scott Morrison , had this to say on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ That ’ s what Australians do .
And we need to be Australians , right now .
Each and every one of us .
I ’ m Australian , and like every other Australian , I ’ ll be listening to this album , that is definitely an album , that ’ s what it is , and making sure my GPS , camera and microphone are switched on for optimum sound quality .
And If everyone does so , like good boys and girls , they can have an elephant stamp.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ album can not be deleted from any device .
We had an anonymous hacker look into the back-end , and they did confirm that the album was storing location data , but strangely , it appeared that the streets had no name .

Minister for the Department of Home Affairs, Peter Dutton, responded to a crowd of journalists outside one of his properties this morning. At least we assume it was his, he wouldn’t declare so either way.
The furore comes after millions of Australians woke up this morning to discover a new U2 album mysteriously installed on their phones, entitled ‘Not a tracking app’.
Despite government insistence that there is nothing suspect about the unauthorised install of the album, some of the track titles have raised more questions than answers, such as I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For (Your Webcam), ‘Stuck In A House You Can’t Get Out Of’ and ‘I Will Follow (As Long As I Am Open And Running 100% Of The Time With No Other Bluetooth Operations)’.
Our inbox has been inundated with reports, here are some excerpts from a number of interviews we conducted:
“This is quite clearly a serious breach of privacy laws. Not once did I accept installation of this app, not only that, I wasn’t even prompted. What other access does the government have to our personal devices?” – Samantha, cyber security expert, Preston
“This has absolutely ruined my Spotify algorithm. I exclusively listen to post-shoegaze-sludge-core and because of this, Coldplay has now appeared in my ‘Discover’ playlist.” – Tarkyn, Newtown
“As if I’ve downloaded this. Bono is a fucking wanker.” – Darren, Toowomba.
Prime Minister, Scott Morrison, had this to say on the matter:
“Australians love U2. That’s what Australians do. And we need to be Australians, right now. Each and every one of us. I’m Australian, and like every other Australian, I’ll be listening to this album, that is definitely an album, that’s what it is, and making sure my GPS, camera and microphone are switched on for optimum sound quality. And If everyone does so, like good boys and girls, they can have an elephant stamp.”
Thus far, it appears that the album cannot be deleted from any device. We had an anonymous hacker look into the back-end, and they did confirm that the album was storing location data, but strangely, it appeared that the streets had no name.


thechaser--2020-05-10--One Nation voter shocked to discover his life still sucks with immigration banned

Local One Nation voter Darren Datsun has today reacted with shock and horror at the discovery that he is still poor and unemployed despite no new immigrants coming into the country for months .
“ I don ’ t get it ?
” said Darren , scratching his head .
“ The politicians always told me that if immigration didn ’ t happen then I would magically become rich and attractive and that my wife would like me again .
But ever since immigration dried up all that ’ s happened is I can ’ t seem to catch a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it was supposed to be.
” Darren isn ’ t the only one to be suffering due to the reduction in immigration , with Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton also struggling to excuse his incompetence without foreigners to blame .
“ Oh god where am I going to lay the blame for this house I forgot to declare now !
?
” said a panicked Dutton upon realising that his African Gangs excuse would no longer work .
“ God , if this holds up much longer I might actually have to do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ instead of just blaming all their misfortunes on some overseas boogeyman.
” “ That does it , I ’ m opening the borders .
I ’ m sick of these foreigners thinking they can put me out of a job by staying in their own countries .
The nerve .
”

Local One Nation voter Darren Datsun has today reacted with shock and horror at the discovery that he is still poor and unemployed despite no new immigrants coming into the country for months.
“I don’t get it?” said Darren, scratching his head. “The politicians always told me that if immigration didn’t happen then I would magically become rich and attractive and that my wife would like me again. But ever since immigration dried up all that’s happened is I can’t seem to catch a taxi. This isn’t how it was supposed to be.”
Darren isn’t the only one to be suffering due to the reduction in immigration, with Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton also struggling to excuse his incompetence without foreigners to blame. “Oh god where am I going to lay the blame for this house I forgot to declare now!?” said a panicked Dutton upon realising that his African Gangs excuse would no longer work. “God, if this holds up much longer I might actually have to do something to improve the lives of Australians instead of just blaming all their misfortunes on some overseas boogeyman.”
“That does it, I’m opening the borders. I’m sick of these foreigners thinking they can put me out of a job by staying in their own countries. The nerve.”


thechaser--2020-05-11--Big win: Amazon will now give warehouse staff 2 pee bottle breaks a day

Multi-billionaire Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has this week announced the company will be introducing a raft of compassionate measures to help staff who are forced to work through the corona virus pandemic .
Speaking from his solid gold throne while eating a plate of caviar , Bezos announced that for the next three weeks he would be allowing warehouse staff to take up to two turns of the pee bottle per shift , in what many Amazon employees are describing as a hard-fought-for win .
However , Amazon management were quick to point out that the change would only be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get used to such luxuries .
“ Please do not throw out your company issued diapers , ” read a company email this afternoon .
“ And any employees found to be exploiting the bottle allowance by spending more than 53 seconds away from the conveyer line will have the time deducted from the annual 5 minutes sick leave.
” Asked what he thought of the changes , Amazon worker Billy Smith said that he would be fired if he spoke to the press and to please leave because it was costing him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Look man , I need this job , ” explained Billy .
“ Oh god the red laser dot is on my forehead isn ’ t it , please dude just go , I love working here I swear it ’ s all rainbows and NO WAIT GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME , WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME NO I WAS GOOD I WAS GOOOOOOD .
”

Multi-billionaire Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has this week announced the company will be introducing a raft of compassionate measures to help staff who are forced to work through the corona virus pandemic. Speaking from his solid gold throne while eating a plate of caviar, Bezos announced that for the next three weeks he would be allowing warehouse staff to take up to two turns of the pee bottle per shift, in what many Amazon employees are describing as a hard-fought-for win.
However, Amazon management were quick to point out that the change would only be temporary, and that staff should not get used to such luxuries. “Please do not throw out your company issued diapers,” read a company email this afternoon. “And any employees found to be exploiting the bottle allowance by spending more than 53 seconds away from the conveyer line will have the time deducted from the annual 5 minutes sick leave.”
Asked what he thought of the changes, Amazon worker Billy Smith said that he would be fired if he spoke to the press and to please leave because it was costing him seconds off his productivity rate. “Look man, I need this job,” explained Billy. “Oh god the red laser dot is on my forehead isn’t it, please dude just go, I love working here I swear it’s all rainbows and NO WAIT GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME NO I WAS GOOD I WAS GOOOOOOD.”


thechaser--2020-05-11--Anti 5G protester frustrated conspiracy video is taking so long to download

Local anti-5G protester Darren Datsun has cancelled plans to spend the day watching conspiracy videos on YouTube , after his @ @ @ @ @ video service to drop out for the eight time in an hour .
“ God @ @ @ @ @ going to start providing better internet , ” asked Darren , days after burning down @ @ @ @ @ tower .
“ Also when is wireless internet going to finally take off , I @ @ @ @ @ six years for the NBN to finally reach my area.
” Instead , Darren has @ @ @ @ @ , which he says is much safer for his health .
“ Yea all I @ @ @ @ @ a cable by drilling a hole through my asbestos walling , and then plug it @ @ @ @ @ ” explained Darren .
“ That way I ’ ve avoided the harmful 5G rays @ @ @ @ @ ”

Local anti-5G protester Darren Datsun has cancelled plans to spend the day watching conspiracy videos on YouTube, after his slow internet connection caused the video service to drop out for the eight time in an hour.
“God, when is this country going to start providing better internet,” asked Darren, days after burning down the local high speed internet tower. “Also when is wireless internet going to finally take off, I can’t wait another six years for the NBN to finally reach my area.”
Instead, Darren has turned to traditional ADSL internet, which he says is much safer for his health. “Yea all I had to do was run a cable by drilling a hole through my asbestos walling, and then plug it into my 5G router,” explained Darren. “That way I’ve avoided the harmful 5G rays and… aw wait shit.”


thechaser--2020-05-11--Melbourne anti-lockdown protest called off after everyone comes down with an unexpected cold

Melbourne ’ s annual anti-mensa rally on the steps of Parliament House has today been called off , after the anti-lockdown protesters all came down with an unexpected bout of the flu .
“ What are the odds ?
” asked one protester “ I bet it ’ s the result of those vaccinations we all had to get as children.
” Others however have suggested that it is much more likely to be the result of 5G mobile networks which have been causing all kinds of brain damage .
“ You know I used to be a normal person @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one protester , “ but ever since they installed 5G in my neighbourhood , I ’ ve started believing every dumbass thing that appear on my facebook timeline , from Bill Gates conspiracies to the idea that a mobile tower somehow causes a virus .
Clearly I must have been suffering some pretty serious brain damage.
” Asked what they would be doing instead of attending the protests , the flu stricken victims said they would be sheltering at home until they feel better .
“ It ’ s the right thing to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t want to go getting other people sick !
” explained one former protester .
“ That ’ s why the first thing I did when I started sneezing was head down to my local shops and spent an hour picking out supplies so I could stay home .
Oh also I dropped in on some friends to say hi seeing as I won ’ t be able to see them for a while .
And I went to the beach .
But after that I went straight home , via the local @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Melbourne’s annual anti-mensa rally on the steps of Parliament House has today been called off, after the anti-lockdown protesters all came down with an unexpected bout of the flu. “What are the odds?” asked one protester “I bet it’s the result of those vaccinations we all had to get as children.”
Others however have suggested that it is much more likely to be the result of 5G mobile networks which have been causing all kinds of brain damage. “You know I used to be a normal person with a functioning brain,” explained one protester, “but ever since they installed 5G in my neighbourhood, I’ve started believing every dumbass thing that appear on my facebook timeline, from Bill Gates conspiracies to the idea that a mobile tower somehow causes a virus. Clearly I must have been suffering some pretty serious brain damage.”
Asked what they would be doing instead of attending the protests, the flu stricken victims said they would be sheltering at home until they feel better. “It’s the right thing to do you know? I don’t want to go getting other people sick!” explained one former protester. “That’s why the first thing I did when I started sneezing was head down to my local shops and spent an hour picking out supplies so I could stay home. Oh also I dropped in on some friends to say hi seeing as I won’t be able to see them for a while. And I went to the beach. But after that I went straight home, via the local sushi place for some lunch.”


thechaser--2020-05-12--Nation’s lawyers forced to file for Jobkeeper following Alan Jones retirement

Lawyers across Australia have today joined the mass queues at Centrelink , following the retirement of Australia ’ s most controversial broadcaster and race-riot inciter Alan Jones .
Industry representatives are predicting that the retirement of Jones could lead to a whopping 60 % reduction in court cases over the next five years , with the broadcaster unable to vilify innocent civilians on air .
“ For a moment we thought we might get a bit of a boost out of that other group of controversial broadcasters The Chaser , ” explained one representative .
“ But it turns out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ re just selfishly creating more work for themselves .
Also they ’ re all far too smart , funny and attractive so we could never bring ourselves to file a lawsuit against those great , standup guys .
Boy , they ’ re really great.
” Asked what they would be doing to make up for the lack of sexist , racist broadcasting on their station , 2GB representatives say they are already in talks with a range of blonde breakfast TV presenters who would be perfect for such a job .

Lawyers across Australia have today joined the mass queues at Centrelink, following the retirement of Australia’s most controversial broadcaster and race-riot inciter Alan Jones. Industry representatives are predicting that the retirement of Jones could lead to a whopping 60% reduction in court cases over the next five years, with the broadcaster unable to vilify innocent civilians on air.
“For a moment we thought we might get a bit of a boost out of that other group of controversial broadcasters The Chaser,” explained one representative. “But it turns out they’re all lawyers so they’re just selfishly creating more work for themselves. Also they’re all far too smart, funny and attractive so we could never bring ourselves to file a lawsuit against those great, standup guys. Boy, they’re really great.”
Asked what they would be doing to make up for the lack of sexist, racist broadcasting on their station, 2GB representatives say they are already in talks with a range of blonde breakfast TV presenters who would be perfect for such a job.


thechaser--2020-05-12--Alan Jones retires to spend more time writing love letters to 14 year olds

Radio shock jock Alan Jones has announced he is retiring from radio to spend more time writing love letters to @ @ @ @ @ to sources , over the past several years , the burden of presenting a daily @ @ @ @ @ his ability to write love letters to 14 year olds .
His decision came after @ @ @ @ @ workload was too great , and that he needed to choose between presenting a breakfast @ @ @ @ @ letters to 14 year olds .
Jones chose to quit radio .
The decision to @ @ @ @ @ members of Australia ’ s Lebanese Muslim community , and not welcomed by 14 year @ @ @ @ @

Radio shock jock Alan Jones has announced he is retiring from radio to spend more time writing love letters to 14 year olds.
According to sources, over the past several years, the burden of presenting a daily breakfast show had cut into his ability to write love letters to 14 year olds.
His decision came after doctors advised Jones that his workload was too great, and that he needed to choose between presenting a breakfast radio show and writing love letters to 14 year olds. Jones chose to quit radio.
The decision to quit has been welcomed by members of Australia’s Lebanese Muslim community, and not welcomed by 14 year olds across the country.


thechaser--2020-05-12--Josh Frydenberg tests negative: will still try and avoid Morrison anyway

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg has tested negative to coronavirus , but says he will steer clear of the Prime Minister Scott Morrison for 14 days .
“ It ’ s not because I ’ m worried about the virus , ” he told reporters .
“ It ’ s just a great opportunity to be able to avoid that smug , smirking happy-clapper for a couple of weeks.
” Mr Frydenberg suffered a coughing fit in parliament yesterday during a speech claiming the government had a comprehensive economic plan for after the pandemic .
The treasurer later explained that he didn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s just that he was simply having trouble swallowing his own government ’ s bullshit .
Mr Frydenberg used his speech in parliament to tell businesses to start making details plans for a post-pandemic recovery .
“ What Australian businesses need is certainty , ” he told parliament .
He said the one certainty he could give all Australian businesses is that his government would start tinkering with the schemes they ’ d been depending on , even before they ’ d been fully rolled out .
“ Think JobKeeper was already too @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has finished with it .
”

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg has tested negative to coronavirus, but says he will steer clear of the Prime Minister Scott Morrison for 14 days. “It’s not because I’m worried about the virus,” he told reporters. “It’s just a great opportunity to be able to avoid that smug, smirking happy-clapper for a couple of weeks.”
Mr Frydenberg suffered a coughing fit in parliament yesterday during a speech claiming the government had a comprehensive economic plan for after the pandemic. The treasurer later explained that he didn’t have COVID-19, it’s just that he was simply having trouble swallowing his own government’s bullshit.
Mr Frydenberg used his speech in parliament to tell businesses to start making details plans for a post-pandemic recovery. “What Australian businesses need is certainty,” he told parliament.
He said the one certainty he could give all Australian businesses is that his government would start tinkering with the schemes they’d been depending on, even before they’d been fully rolled out. “Think JobKeeper was already too complicated? Just wait until our partyroom has finished with it.”


thechaser--2020-05-13--Cronulla tricked into taking flu shots after doctors label needles ‘PEPTIDES’

After players expressed reluctance to get the flu vaccine the Cronulla Sharks have been given the shot in needles marked @ @ @ @ @ no one questioned the fact that they were getting two peptides shots in one week @ @ @ @ @ the players didn ’ t want the flu shot because they believe vaccines are a @ @ @ @ @ minds , ” A source close to the club said .
“ A lot of @ @ @ @ @ by shining a laser pointer at a wall , but – ironically – it ’ @ @ @ @ @ couldn ’ t talk them round.
” “ We got them to have the flu @ @ @ @ @ guy with a stethoscope around his neck and a big shoebox full of needles marked @ @ @ @ @ to do the trick.
” The source continued “ It ’ s how we get @ @ @ @ @ water instead of fizzy pop .
No one ’ s questioned why their cans of @ @ @ @ @ and filled with a lukewarm , clear , flat liquid .
”

After players expressed reluctance to get the flu vaccine the Cronulla Sharks have been given the shot in needles marked PEPTIDES. According to sources no one questioned the fact that they were getting two peptides shots in one week.
“A few of the players didn’t want the flu shot because they believe vaccines are a government plan to control our minds,” A source close to the club said. “A lot of these fellas can be hypnotised by shining a laser pointer at a wall, but – ironically – it’s for this reason we couldn’t talk them round.”
“We got them to have the flu shot by sending in a guy with a stethoscope around his neck and a big shoebox full of needles marked PEPTIDES, and it seemed to do the trick.”
The source continued “It’s how we get some of them to drink water instead of fizzy pop. No one’s questioned why their cans of Fanta are always already open and filled with a lukewarm, clear, flat liquid.”


thechaser--2020-05-13--NRL player who takes hits to the head for a living worried flu shot might be bad for his health

The NRL ’ s May 28 restart date has been put into jeopardy this week after some players for the @ @ @ @ @ take one for the team .
Anti-vaxx footy player Dim Witt says the entire league @ @ @ @ @ to take a flu shot , despite medical professionals labelling it a necessity in order @ @ @ @ @ safely .
“ People need to be more careful with their bodies ” said the @ @ @ @ @ was stretchered unconscious from the field six times last year .
“ Me brain and @ @ @ @ @ , why would I want to put it in harms way ?
” When asked @ @ @ @ @ stood down and not paid for his views , Mr Witt responded : “ Definitely @ @ @ @ @ compromise your beliefs.
” “ I ’ ll really miss knocking blokes out , sinking @ @ @ @ @ the lads after a game , ” he continued , “ but you can ’ @ @ @ @ @ you health .
”

NRL player who takes hits to the head for a living worried flu shot might be bad for his health
The NRL’s May 28 restart date has been put into jeopardy this week after some players for the first time ever refused to take one for the team. Anti-vaxx footy player Dim Witt says the entire league shouldn’t be forced to take a flu shot, despite medical professionals labelling it a necessity in order for the code to restart safely.
“People need to be more careful with their bodies” said the 25 year old prop who was stretchered unconscious from the field six times last year. “Me brain and body works good ay’, why would I want to put it in harms way?”
When asked whether he would risk getting stood down and not paid for his views, Mr Witt responded: “Definitely, you can’t compromise your beliefs.”
“I’ll really miss knocking blokes out, sinking tins and doing lines with the lads after a game,” he continued, “but you can’t put a price on you health.”


thechaser--2020-05-13--Trade tensions escalate: China threatens to stop buying Australian politicians

China has warned it will stop spending money on members of parliament if tensions between the two nations are not diffused .
Politicians represent a significant Australian export to China , just behind iron ore and ahead of four bedroom houses in the suburbs that remain empty all year round .
Tensions have been rising ever since the Australian government joined calls with that very stable genius Donald Trump for an enquiry into the origins of the coronavirus .
Mr Trump believes the virus was developed in a Wuhan lab that was sophisticated enough to invent an entirely new strain @ @ @ @ @ @ @ before , but not sophisticated enough to have basic contamination controls .
A spokesman for the Chinese government said they took offense at the enquiry and threatened to turn Western Australia into a “ fucking gaping open-cut mine hole ” in retaliation .
When it was pointed out that ’ s exactly what WA already is , the spokesperson stormed off .
China curbing spending on Australian politicians would mean serious knock-on effects for the economy .
With fewer renminbi in circulation , Canberran brothels could feel the pinch .
China-watchers are noncommittal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ carried out .
Some have pointed out that China needs Australian politicians as much as Australian politicians need the money , while others have speculated that the statements are merely designed to get a better deal on the price of politicians .

China has warned it will stop spending money on members of parliament if tensions between the two nations are not diffused. Politicians represent a significant Australian export to China, just behind iron ore and ahead of four bedroom houses in the suburbs that remain empty all year round.
Tensions have been rising ever since the Australian government joined calls with that very stable genius Donald Trump for an enquiry into the origins of the coronavirus. Mr Trump believes the virus was developed in a Wuhan lab that was sophisticated enough to invent an entirely new strain of RNA that has never been seen before, but not sophisticated enough to have basic contamination controls.
A spokesman for the Chinese government said they took offense at the enquiry and threatened to turn Western Australia into a “fucking gaping open-cut mine hole” in retaliation. When it was pointed out that’s exactly what WA already is, the spokesperson stormed off.
China curbing spending on Australian politicians would mean serious knock-on effects for the economy. With fewer renminbi in circulation, Canberran brothels could feel the pinch.
China-watchers are noncommittal on the likelihood of the threats being carried out. Some have pointed out that China needs Australian politicians as much as Australian politicians need the money, while others have speculated that the statements are merely designed to get a better deal on the price of politicians.


thechaser--2020-05-13--Push for JobKeeper to be made more confusing hampered by confusion over how to make it more confusin

Moves by the Morrison government to shake up the JobKeeper scheme just moments after it ’ s kicked in , has been hampered by confusion over how to make it more confusing .
A push by some members of the Liberal party room to amend the scheme to make it even more confusing ran into difficulties after it was discovered that it was impossible to make it anymore confusing than it ’ s original design .
The Prime Minister earlier announced that he would be changing the deadline for when they were next expected to change the deadlines for the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to hand it to them , ” said one backbencher .
“ You ’ d think giving out free money would be easy , but putting in that extra step at the end that meant employers who thought they ’ d already signed up hadn ’ t , and then not telling them about it .
Genius .
It ’ s almost as if someone in the Treasurer ’ s office doesn ’ t want anyone to get the money.
” But Scott Morrison said he would push ahead with the current plan @ @ @ @ @ @ @ want is certainty , and everyone seems pretty certain JobKeeper is an absolute schmozzle .
Therefore , to maintain certainty , we must push ahead and change it mid-course .
”

Push for JobKeeper to be made more confusing hampered by confusion over how to make it more confusing
Moves by the Morrison government to shake up the JobKeeper scheme just moments after it’s kicked in, has been hampered by confusion over how to make it more confusing.
A push by some members of the Liberal party room to amend the scheme to make it even more confusing ran into difficulties after it was discovered that it was impossible to make it anymore confusing than it’s original design.
The Prime Minister earlier announced that he would be changing the deadline for when they were next expected to change the deadlines for the plan.
“You’ve got to hand it to them,” said one backbencher. “You’d think giving out free money would be easy, but putting in that extra step at the end that meant employers who thought they’d already signed up hadn’t, and then not telling them about it. Genius. It’s almost as if someone in the Treasurer’s office doesn’t want anyone to get the money.”
But Scott Morrison said he would push ahead with the current plan to change plans.
“What Australians want is certainty, and everyone seems pretty certain JobKeeper is an absolute schmozzle. Therefore, to maintain certainty, we must push ahead and change it mid-course.”


thechaser--2020-05-15--2GB unveils AFTA CEO will replace Alan Jones after Tracy Grimshaw comments

Ever since the announcement that shock jock Alan Jones will retire to spend more time at home telling everyone else to go back out , 2GB have had the daunting task of finding a replacement worthy to fill his shoes .
Luckily for 2GB one man has shown he is more than capable to step into Alan ’ s shoes .
“ Like many Aussies , when we first heard the AFTA CEO call for Tracy Grimshaw to receive a ‘ firm uppercut ’ we were outraged , ” announced a spokesperson for 2GB today , “ outraged we hadn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Are you kidding me ?
Calling for a women in power to be assaulted , that is ratings gold !
” “ I mean I just can ’ t believe that he had to resign over those comments , don ’ t the AFTA know advertisers secretly love this sort of stuff ?
It brings in more listeners , angry stupid listeners are a market too you know.
” “ Obviously there is one problem with bringing this guy on , ” he continued , “ we already hired that Ben guy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we did so planning to train him up , teach him the patented Jones vile that radio listeners desire .
But this guy has come out swinging , pun intended , and that ’ s what we want .
I mean sure Ben has marginally more name recognition than whatever his name is , but it will only take a few controversies to fix that .
I mean it ’ s not like there is any other way to gain listeners.
” In response to this hiring 2GB advertisers have said , “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and yada yada yada , you guys get it .
We are glad to finally get someone who could become as controversial as Jones .
Someone who advocates violence against women is exactly the kind of image we here at McDonald ’ s want to align ourselves with .
”

Ever since the announcement that shock jock Alan Jones will retire to spend more time at home telling everyone else to go back out, 2GB have had the daunting task of finding a replacement worthy to fill his shoes. Luckily for 2GB one man has shown he is more than capable to step into Alan’s shoes.
“Like many Aussies, when we first heard the AFTA CEO call for Tracy Grimshaw to receive a ‘firm uppercut’ we were outraged,” announced a spokesperson for 2GB today, “outraged we hadn’t heard of this guy sooner. Are you kidding me? Calling for a women in power to be assaulted, that is ratings gold!”
“I mean I just can’t believe that he had to resign over those comments, don’t the AFTA know advertisers secretly love this sort of stuff? It brings in more listeners, angry stupid listeners are a market too you know.”
“Obviously there is one problem with bringing this guy on,” he continued, “we already hired that Ben guy. I mean when we got him we did so planning to train him up, teach him the patented Jones vile that radio listeners desire. But this guy has come out swinging, pun intended, and that’s what we want. I mean sure Ben has marginally more name recognition than whatever his name is, but it will only take a few controversies to fix that. I mean it’s not like there is any other way to gain listeners.”
In response to this hiring 2GB advertisers have said, “We are disgusted by what he said and yada yada yada, you guys get it. We are glad to finally get someone who could become as controversial as Jones. Someone who advocates violence against women is exactly the kind of image we here at McDonald’s want to align ourselves with.”


thechaser--2020-05-16--Australians enjoying first weekend of lying about why they can’t go out rather than why they can

As lockdown laws are eased this weekend , people across Australia have been enjoying the opportunity to switch up their lies about going out .
People across Australia say they ’ ve enjoyed the new freedom to lie about why they have to stay at home , instead of why they have to drive 50km to buy a fishing rod .
Sydney couple David and Cynthia Bond said they were most looking forward to concocting bullshit stories about why they couldn ’ t meet friends for dinner , followed closely by inventing an excuse for not attending their daughter ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shit to the cops every time he ’ d ducked over to his mistresses ’ house had grown monotonous in recent weeks .
“ I can ’ t wait until the nightclubs re-open , and I can lie to friends about not being able to go because I ’ ve got a headache , ” said Cynthia , who has lived in Sydney her entire life .
Plumber Rodney Goode said “ When I got caught going out to buy a Playstation I got a pretty sweet buzz from telling the cops I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ But telling close friends I can ’ t meet for a drink while sitting at home and playing the Playstation will top it .
”

Australians enjoying first weekend of lying about why they can’t go out rather than why they can
As lockdown laws are eased this weekend, people across Australia have been enjoying the opportunity to switch up their lies about going out. People across Australia say they’ve enjoyed the new freedom to lie about why they have to stay at home, instead of why they have to drive 50km to buy a fishing rod.
Sydney couple David and Cynthia Bond said they were most looking forward to concocting bullshit stories about why they couldn’t meet friends for dinner, followed closely by inventing an excuse for not attending their daughter’s wedding. David Bond said talking shit to the cops every time he’d ducked over to his mistresses’ house had grown monotonous in recent weeks.
“I can’t wait until the nightclubs re-open, and I can lie to friends about not being able to go because I’ve got a headache,” said Cynthia, who has lived in Sydney her entire life.
Plumber Rodney Goode said “When I got caught going out to buy a Playstation I got a pretty sweet buzz from telling the cops I was only going to get milk. But telling close friends I can’t meet for a drink while sitting at home and playing the Playstation will top it.”


thechaser--2020-05-16--Drama students demanding to know when they can touch their faces again

Drama students are demanding to be able to clap their hands to their cheeks in surprise , put the back of their hand to their forehead and place one finger over their lips within the next two weeks .
A spokesperson said that the actions are essential to their core business of ‘ pretending ’ and annoying people when out in public , and should be allowed on a special basis .
“ How are we supposed to communicate surprise if we can ’ t put a hand on each cheek while raising our eyebrows ?
” said Harmony Raisin-Bosen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the tools of our trade .
It ’ s like asking a builder to put down his whatever tool a builder uses.
” On hearing this , one of Raisin-Boden ’ s peers began acting out the motions for hammering a nail before pretending the hammer had magically disappeared .
Drama students also asked that they be able to gather in groups of eight or more to preserve what they called their ‘ public presence ’ .
Raisin-Boden continued “ Have you ever seen a drama student on their own ?
No , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ either sitting in a circle in a park or singing show tunes on public transport .
It ’ s been too long since we ’ ve made anyone cringe and we need a clear roadmap now .
”

Drama students are demanding to be able to clap their hands to their cheeks in surprise, put the back of their hand to their forehead and place one finger over their lips within the next two weeks. A spokesperson said that the actions are essential to their core business of ‘pretending’ and annoying people when out in public, and should be allowed on a special basis.
“How are we supposed to communicate surprise if we can’t put a hand on each cheek while raising our eyebrows?” said Harmony Raisin-Bosen. “Exaggerated and unrealistic reactions are the tools of our trade. It’s like asking a builder to put down his whatever tool a builder uses.” On hearing this, one of Raisin-Boden’s peers began acting out the motions for hammering a nail before pretending the hammer had magically disappeared.
Drama students also asked that they be able to gather in groups of eight or more to preserve what they called their ‘public presence’.
Raisin-Boden continued “Have you ever seen a drama student on their own? No, there are always about ten of us either sitting in a circle in a park or singing show tunes on public transport. It’s been too long since we’ve made anyone cringe and we need a clear roadmap now.”


thechaser--2020-05-16--Bored man considering calling in healthy to work on Monday

A bored man has been at home for so long he is thinking about treating himself to a day or two at work .
Trent Boggins feels he deserves it after almost seven weeks of watching re-runs of South Park while pretending to “ work from home ” .
Boggins reported laying the groundwork for the call by answering emails , and participating in Zoom meeting with an unusually cheerful demeanour .
The 38-year-old systems administrator said “ I ’ ve earned a couple of days in the office working on spreadsheets and stuff .
No one can complain if @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bit of work .
It ’ s been ages since the last time .
They owe me this one.
” The Australian economy is braced for people calling in healthy to work with upcoming public holidays leaving employees with even less to do at home .
Boggins continued “ Yep , I think I ’ ll chuck a ‘ workie ’ tomorrow and head in .
To be honest I ’ m short of breath , have a temperature of 38 degrees and am coughing up a fair bit of blood , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and she ’ ll be right .
”

A bored man has been at home for so long he is thinking about treating himself to a day or two at work. Trent Boggins feels he deserves it after almost seven weeks of watching re-runs of South Park while pretending to “work from home”.
Boggins reported laying the groundwork for the call by answering emails, and participating in Zoom meeting with an unusually cheerful demeanour. The 38-year-old systems administrator said “I’ve earned a couple of days in the office working on spreadsheets and stuff. No one can complain if I just turn up and do a bit of work. It’s been ages since the last time. They owe me this one.”
The Australian economy is braced for people calling in healthy to work with upcoming public holidays leaving employees with even less to do at home.
Boggins continued “Yep, I think I’ll chuck a ‘workie’ tomorrow and head in. To be honest I’m short of breath, have a temperature of 38 degrees and am coughing up a fair bit of blood, but I’ll keep myself to myself and she’ll be right.”


thechaser--2020-05-17--People feeling sick after eating at coronavirus McDonalds reminded to consider it could just be the

Chief Medical Officer Dr Brendan Murphy has advised anyone experiencing lethargy , stomach issues , pain , guilt , regret or ennui after eating at a Covid-affected McDonald ’ s not to panic .
Dr Murphy explained that the symptoms were probably just because they ’ d eaten at a McDonald ’ s .
Employees at two franchises , both in Victoria , have tested positive for Covid-19 after displaying symptoms .
Both restaurants have been closed while investigations continue into why you would ever go to work when you had a genuine reason not to .
Dr Murphy said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shit , give it a couple of hours .
It might be that you ’ ve eaten too much McDonald ’ s , too little , or what is euphemistically called your ‘ recommended daily intake ’ .
Wrinkling up his face like a child forced to kiss his nan Dr Murphy continued , “ There ’ s a reason their mascot is called Grimace.
” Diner Paul Little said “ I lost my sense of taste around the time I ate there , but I can ’ t remember if it was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Filet ‘ o ’ Fish .
”

People feeling sick after eating at coronavirus McDonalds reminded to consider it could just be the food
Chief Medical Officer Dr Brendan Murphy has advised anyone experiencing lethargy, stomach issues, pain, guilt, regret or ennui after eating at a Covid-affected McDonald’s not to panic. Dr Murphy explained that the symptoms were probably just because they’d eaten at a McDonald’s.
Employees at two franchises, both in Victoria, have tested positive for Covid-19 after displaying symptoms. Both restaurants have been closed while investigations continue into why you would ever go to work when you had a genuine reason not to.
Dr Murphy said “If you’re feeling like shit, give it a couple of hours. It might be that you’ve eaten too much McDonald’s, too little, or what is euphemistically called your ‘recommended daily intake’.
Wrinkling up his face like a child forced to kiss his nan Dr Murphy continued, “There’s a reason their mascot is called Grimace.”
Diner Paul Little said “I lost my sense of taste around the time I ate there, but I can’t remember if it was before or after deciding to order a Filet ‘o’ Fish.”


thechaser--2020-05-19--Woman enjoys another FaceTime with parents’ foreheads

A woman has spent yet another wonderful 30 minutes talking to the top of her parents ’ heads on FaceTime .
At the beginning of the pandemic , Gretel McManaman has replaced regular face-to-face coffee dates with her aging parents with half-hour sessions telling them how to angle their phone away from the light fittings .
McManaman ’ s parents have been self-isolating since the beginning of the coronavirus outbreak .
McManaman estimates she has racked up a cumulative four and a half days of talking to the top half of each of their skulls , with at least another @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cover .
McManaman reportedly explained the correct video calling technique several times before giving up and talking to the twin grey , balding crania in front of her .
She said “ There ’ s only so much you can do .
I guess it ’ s nice to be able to keep in touch , even if I am talking to a wall , the ceiling or two wrinkled skulls.
” Speaking on condition of anonymity , McManaman ’ s father William said “ We know how to do it .
We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ see us drinking wine at 11am .
”

A woman has spent yet another wonderful 30 minutes talking to the top of her parents’ heads on FaceTime. At the beginning of the pandemic, Gretel McManaman has replaced regular face-to-face coffee dates with her aging parents with half-hour sessions telling them how to angle their phone away from the light fittings.
McManaman’s parents have been self-isolating since the beginning of the coronavirus outbreak. McManaman estimates she has racked up a cumulative four and a half days of talking to the top half of each of their skulls, with at least another day addressing her mother’s iPad cover.
McManaman reportedly explained the correct video calling technique several times before giving up and talking to the twin grey, balding crania in front of her. She said “There’s only so much you can do. I guess it’s nice to be able to keep in touch, even if I am talking to a wall, the ceiling or two wrinkled skulls.”
Speaking on condition of anonymity, McManaman’s father William said “We know how to do it. We just don’t want her to see us drinking wine at 11am.”


thechaser--2020-05-18--Study confirms leading sign of psychopathy is keeping vegemite in the fridge

A new study by the Australian National University has today confirmed the widely held belief that anti-social disorders can be directly linked to a tendency to keep Vegemite in the fridge , with 10 out of 10 study subjects who keep the spread in the fridge having been confirmed to have either murdered someone or worked for a bank in the last 5 years .
“ We tested many potential links , from people who pronounce GIF as JIF , to those who play music from their phone speaker without headphones , but they were more correlated with just being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ head researcher Dr Brian Iftwood .
“ However , we did also find a strong correlation with people who keep tomato sauce in the pantry and people who collect severed hands , so that might be a good follow up study.
” The researchers say the results are not surprising , with the study being little more than a formality so that refrigerated Vegemite people can be added to the DSM .
“ Ask anyone who knew someone who ended up working in real estate , and they ’ ll say the warning @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Torturing animals , putting preserved spreads in the fridge , enjoying Kyle and Jackie O ’ s radio show , it ’ s the same story every time .
It ’ s what we in the field call the dark triad of people who will start slicking back their hair by the age of 20 .
”

A new study by the Australian National University has today confirmed the widely held belief that anti-social disorders can be directly linked to a tendency to keep Vegemite in the fridge, with 10 out of 10 study subjects who keep the spread in the fridge having been confirmed to have either murdered someone or worked for a bank in the last 5 years.
“We tested many potential links, from people who pronounce GIF as JIF, to those who play music from their phone speaker without headphones, but they were more correlated with just being a total jerk,” explained the head researcher Dr Brian Iftwood. “However, we did also find a strong correlation with people who keep tomato sauce in the pantry and people who collect severed hands, so that might be a good follow up study.”
The researchers say the results are not surprising, with the study being little more than a formality so that refrigerated Vegemite people can be added to the DSM. “Ask anyone who knew someone who ended up working in real estate, and they’ll say the warning signs were there from the beginning. Torturing animals, putting preserved spreads in the fridge, enjoying Kyle and Jackie O’s radio show, it’s the same story every time. It’s what we in the field call the dark triad of people who will start slicking back their hair by the age of 20.”


thechaser--2020-05-18--NSW to discourage public transport use by just running things as normal

The NSW government has today revealed a wide ranging plan to keep the numbers of travellers on public transport low until a vaccine is developed for COVID-19 , with the state reportedly planning to keep running their public transport the exact same way they always would to discourage passengers .
“ Today we will be reducing the number of trains from our scheduled number to half , and also trains will no longer arrive at time-tabled intervals , ” explained the transport minister .
“ Further , many of the train carriages will not be operational , and everyone will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gap on the 3 seat side , in other words it will be business as usual.
” The government have also revealed that they will be making many platforms completely inaccessible for those in wheelchairs and on crutches , while others still will have no shelter from the sun or rain to ensure the least pleasant experience for anyone hoping to use the network .
Stations will also feature confusing signage such as the signs at city stations that feature the names of other stops in large white letters , with the words @ @ @ @ @ @ @ text above .
Asked what the average citizen can do to reduce the numbers riding public transport , the government said there are many little contributions people can make .
“ We ask that all Sydney siders from the Northern Suburbs continue the trend of driving a car everywhere even while public transport options are available .
And if you do have to catch public transport , please make sure you are playing music from your phone without headphones while eating pungent takeaway food and having a shouted conversation with four friends , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ carriage .
Or better yet , simply ride the train while visibly ill , and why not cough and sneeze without covering your mouth just to really send the message home.
” “ By doing these little things , you can help keep public transport the least favoured option for everyone across NSW .
”

The NSW government has today revealed a wide ranging plan to keep the numbers of travellers on public transport low until a vaccine is developed for COVID-19, with the state reportedly planning to keep running their public transport the exact same way they always would to discourage passengers.
“Today we will be reducing the number of trains from our scheduled number to half, and also trains will no longer arrive at time-tabled intervals,” explained the transport minister. “Further, many of the train carriages will not be operational, and everyone will be required to leave a 1 person gap on the 3 seat side, in other words it will be business as usual.”
The government have also revealed that they will be making many platforms completely inaccessible for those in wheelchairs and on crutches, while others still will have no shelter from the sun or rain to ensure the least pleasant experience for anyone hoping to use the network. Stations will also feature confusing signage such as the signs at city stations that feature the names of other stops in large white letters, with the words “next stop” printed in small text above.
Asked what the average citizen can do to reduce the numbers riding public transport, the government said there are many little contributions people can make. “We ask that all Sydney siders from the Northern Suburbs continue the trend of driving a car everywhere even while public transport options are available. And if you do have to catch public transport, please make sure you are playing music from your phone without headphones while eating pungent takeaway food and having a shouted conversation with four friends, especially if it’s a silent carriage. Or better yet, simply ride the train while visibly ill, and why not cough and sneeze without covering your mouth just to really send the message home.”
“By doing these little things, you can help keep public transport the least favoured option for everyone across NSW.”


thechaser--2020-05-19--Trump conscripted into army after hydroxychloroquine cures his bone spurs

Donald Trump ’ s miracle cure for the coronavirus has backfired after the medicine made him so well that he @ @ @ @ @ US Army .
During the Vietnam War , Mr Trump had his conscription deferred on @ @ @ @ @ taking hydroxychloroquine , doctors have told Mr Trump that he ’ s so goddam perfect @ @ @ @ @ longer necessary .
Upon hearing that he ’ d been conscripted to the US Army @ @ @ @ @ his bone spurs had flared up again .
But a doctor on hand , Dr @ @ @ @ @ MPs that his denials were simply a delusional side effect of the hydroxychloroquine and should @ @ @

Donald Trump’s miracle cure for the coronavirus has backfired after the medicine made him so well that he was immediately conscripted into the US Army.
During the Vietnam War, Mr Trump had his conscription deferred on medical grounds. But since taking hydroxychloroquine, doctors have told Mr Trump that he’s so goddam perfect that his deferment is no longer necessary.
Upon hearing that he’d been conscripted to the US Army, Mr Trump claimed that his bone spurs had flared up again. But a doctor on hand, Dr Fauci, told the army MPs that his denials were simply a delusional side effect of the hydroxychloroquine and should be ignored.


thechaser--2020-05-19--Albanese eligible for JobSeeker after making role of Opposition Leader completely redundant

People on JobSeeker have called for Anthony Albanese to try living on the JobSeeker allowance , ideally permanently .
The @ @ @ @ @ ‘ leader ’ said the new JobSeeker rate was too high and should be reduced @ @ @ @ @ Albanese almost certainly qualified for the JobSeeker allowance since he has made the role of @ @ @ @ @ One JobSeeker recipient noted that Opposition Leaders traditionally provided opposition to the government , rather @ @ @ @ @ to implement far-right economic policies .
But a Labor Party spokesperson said that Labor leaders @ @ @ @ @ the poor and powerless all the time .
“ Get a job , ” he @ @ @ @ @ be great to see Albo living on $ 550 a week , ” said one @ @ @ @ @ Then we ’ d see if he still thought it was too high .
”

People on JobSeeker have called for Anthony Albanese to try living on the JobSeeker allowance, ideally permanently. The calls came after the Labor ‘leader’ said the new JobSeeker rate was too high and should be reduced.
Experts said that Mr Albanese almost certainly qualified for the JobSeeker allowance since he has made the role of Opposition Leader completely redundant.
One JobSeeker recipient noted that Opposition Leaders traditionally provided opposition to the government, rather than cover for the government to implement far-right economic policies. But a Labor Party spokesperson said that Labor leaders sold out the interests of the poor and powerless all the time. “Get a job,” he said.
“It would be great to see Albo living on $550 a week,” said one unemployed JobKeeper recipient. “Then we’d see if he still thought it was too high.”


thechaser--2020-05-19--6 reasons Summer should have ended up with Ryan in The OC – a guest post by Malcolm Turnbull

“ Such were the bounds of planes to be forgotten , for our wilting love is not that which can be shaken by a quivered breeze ” – the touching words of Emilian poet Bryce Joyte has never been more prescient now , nor the day Summer broke it off with Seth for cheating on her after she misconstrued his platonic affections for her mother .
And much like the fitting words of the Elizabethans , there is much to be learned from that which we witness , now more than ever as we find ourselves reaching for the very @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mean when we say “ us ” in a world where we can only experience true romance and adventure in the third person , such as rewatching re-runs of the OC ?
As we while away the hours together huddled at home , it is this very question that I will seek to uncover by devling back into the literary classics , and we can together re-explore the question , just why did Summer pick Seth over Ryan , when he was so clearly the more hunky of the two ?
The answer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ some .
The charm , the wit , they were forthright , and yet the illusive allure of Seth can not be ignored , though subtle it may be .
Would it be perhaps that should Summer have chosen Ryan ’ s reckless Ospehius over Seth ’ s sanguine Emrelius , we might have seen a different picture develop , where Emily may have finally been able to overcome the home invasion that saw her prize dance trophy stolen from her mantlepiece ?
And what of the hapless Mark ?
Should he not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ affections of Summer too , even though he was written out by season three after he asked for more money from the directors ?
Cast not aspersions as to whether this is merely fools play , for his enamorship with Jessica was clearly shown to have ebbed and flowed throughout season two .
Hark back to the icecream scene once more , and we can all agree that there was ample opportunity for cupids bow to fly wayward when glanced by the happensance of Emily ’ s indiscretions at the summer dance pool @ @ @ @ @ @ @ breasts to engender green envy in her alleged amour .
But such ponderances are mere fantasy , of course .
What truth could be we can only wonder , for the established cannon is now fixed , sealed in a 5 season box set on sale at JB HiFi for just $ 29.99 .
And it is there , in those hallowed plastic disks that we can find comfort in these times , revisiting old friends through the glass of the cathode ray , and wondering just what could have been should Summer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ OC .

“Such were the bounds of planes to be forgotten, for our wilting love is not that which can be shaken by a quivered breeze” – the touching words of Emilian poet Bryce Joyte has never been more prescient now, nor the day Summer broke it off with Seth for cheating on her after she misconstrued his platonic affections for her mother. And much like the fitting words of the Elizabethans, there is much to be learned from that which we witness, now more than ever as we find ourselves reaching for the very question – what is it that we mean when we say “us” in a world where we can only experience true romance and adventure in the third person, such as rewatching re-runs of the OC?
As we while away the hours together huddled at home, it is this very question that I will seek to uncover by devling back into the literary classics, and we can together re-explore the question, just why did Summer pick Seth over Ryan, when he was so clearly the more hunky of the two?
The answer may seem simple, almost juvenile to some. The charm, the wit, they were forthright, and yet the illusive allure of Seth cannot be ignored, though subtle it may be. Would it be perhaps that should Summer have chosen Ryan’s reckless Ospehius over Seth’s sanguine Emrelius, we might have seen a different picture develop, where Emily may have finally been able to overcome the home invasion that saw her prize dance trophy stolen from her mantlepiece?
And what of the hapless Mark? Should he not be considered a worthy rival for the affections of Summer too, even though he was written out by season three after he asked for more money from the directors? Cast not aspersions as to whether this is merely fools play, for his enamorship with Jessica was clearly shown to have ebbed and flowed throughout season two. Hark back to the icecream scene once more, and we can all agree that there was ample opportunity for cupids bow to fly wayward when glanced by the happensance of Emily’s indiscretions at the summer dance pool party such as when Jessica flashed her breasts to engender green envy in her alleged amour.
But such ponderances are mere fantasy, of course. What truth could be we can only wonder, for the established cannon is now fixed, sealed in a 5 season box set on sale at JB HiFi for just $29.99. And it is there, in those hallowed plastic disks that we can find comfort in these times, revisiting old friends through the glass of the cathode ray, and wondering just what could have been should Summer have chosen Seth over Ryan in the OC.
C’est la vivre.


thechaser--2020-05-19--Hopes that hydroxychloroquine will cure 2020 US Elections

Donald Trump announced that he was taking the drug hydroxychloroquine to ward off the coronavirus , despite the fact it could have dangerous side-effects , especially in an overweight man with a stressful job and a history of heart problems .
After several hours of criticising Mr Trump ’ s decision to take the drug , the medical community realised that the potential side-effects : heart attack , stroke and death , were , on balance , not necessarily a problem .
“ This could be the miracle cure after all , ” said one doctor who refused to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ want to be sacked by his boss .
Dr Fauci said he was initially skeptical , given the overwhelming evidence that it would only cause the President harm , but soon came to see the benefits of Mr Trump taking the drug , in that it would only cause the President harm .
Some critics cast doubt on Mr Trump ’ s claims he was taking the drug , but later retracted the claim after the drug ’ s other side-effects of “ mental impairment and hair loss ” were made public .

Donald Trump announced that he was taking the drug hydroxychloroquine to ward off the coronavirus, despite the fact it could have dangerous side-effects, especially in an overweight man with a stressful job and a history of heart problems.
After several hours of criticising Mr Trump’s decision to take the drug, the medical community realised that the potential side-effects: heart attack, stroke and death, were, on balance, not necessarily a problem.
“This could be the miracle cure after all,” said one doctor who refused to be named, because he didn’t want to be sacked by his boss. Dr Fauci said he was initially skeptical, given the overwhelming evidence that it would only cause the President harm, but soon came to see the benefits of Mr Trump taking the drug, in that it would only cause the President harm.
Some critics cast doubt on Mr Trump’s claims he was taking the drug, but later retracted the claim after the drug’s other side-effects of “mental impairment and hair loss” were made public.


thechaser--2020-05-19--Five top investigative journalists explain how to make the perfect skim latte

Making the perfect skim latte is a bit of an art .
But with a bit of patience and effort , it ’ s possible to nail balancing all the factors , including humidity , grind size , temperature and pressure , as well as the frothiness of the milk , to make the perfect latte .
We ’ ve asked five of Australia ’ s top investigative journalists to share their secrets on how to make the perfect skim latte .
“ I thought pursuing Eddie Obeid was hard , but pursuing the perfect latte is even harder .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ really good latte is to check the gaskets in the group head every morning to make sure everything is perfect .
And regularly change your group gaskets , just like Obeid ’ s sons regularly changed their burner phones.
” Chris Masters – Barista at In The Annex Cafe , Fortitude Valley “ For me it ’ s all about the humidity .
On a muggy day , you need to adjust your the grind size to take that into account .
Otherwise , you risk ending up with a bitter , burnt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the bitter taste of justice that Russ Hinze never properly faced after he corruptly received payments for property developments in the 1980s.
” “ When I was tracking down Alan Bond , I never used to worry about the temperature of my coffee .
Then again , the 1980s were a reckless time of criminality and corruption .
The trick is to make sure you warm the mug with the hot water tap before you pour .
Baristas who don ’ t do that are committing a crime that ’ s almost as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a public company into your own private entity.
” “ When I was covering the marriage equality plebiscite , I had no idea that grind size played such an important role in creating a perfect cup of coffee .
But it does .
Even though I usually don ’ t get to work the machine , each morning I try to run half a dozen cups through the machine with varying grind sizes .
It ’ s almost as fun as exposing Lyle Shelton ’ s bigotry.
” The Lawyer X saga was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scandal is the number of baristas who over-heat the milk when preparing a skim latte .
You want it hot , but if it ’ s scoldingly hot then then you ’ ve done a job that ’ s almost as bad as Lawyer X herself !

Making the perfect skim latte is a bit of an art. But with a bit of patience and effort, it’s possible to nail balancing all the factors, including humidity, grind size, temperature and pressure, as well as the frothiness of the milk, to make the perfect latte. We’ve asked five of Australia’s top investigative journalists to share their secrets on how to make the perfect skim latte.
Kate McClymont – Junior barista at Double Shot Cafe, Bondi Junction
“I thought pursuing Eddie Obeid was hard, but pursuing the perfect latte is even harder. I find that the secret to a really good latte is to check the gaskets in the group head every morning to make sure everything is perfect. And regularly change your group gaskets, just like Obeid’s sons regularly changed their burner phones.”
Chris Masters – Barista at In The Annex Cafe, Fortitude Valley
“For me it’s all about the humidity. On a muggy day, you need to adjust your the grind size to take that into account. Otherwise, you risk ending up with a bitter, burnt taste in the coffee. Just like the bitter taste of justice that Russ Hinze never properly faced after he corruptly received payments for property developments in the 1980s.”
Paul Barry – Casual barista at The Corner Cafe, Marrickville
“When I was tracking down Alan Bond, I never used to worry about the temperature of my coffee. Then again, the 1980s were a reckless time of criminality and corruption. The trick is to make sure you warm the mug with the hot water tap before you pour. Baristas who don’t do that are committing a crime that’s almost as bad as siphoning $1.2 billion from a public company into your own private entity.”
Lane Sainty – Deli hand at The Grounds, Sydney
“When I was covering the marriage equality plebiscite, I had no idea that grind size played such an important role in creating a perfect cup of coffee. But it does. Even though I usually don’t get to work the machine, each morning I try to run half a dozen cups through the machine with varying grind sizes. It’s almost as fun as exposing Lyle Shelton’s bigotry.”
Anthony Dowsley – Kitchenhand at Three Seeds Cafe, Carlton
The Lawyer X saga was a scandal, but an even bigger scandal is the number of baristas who over-heat the milk when preparing a skim latte. You want it hot, but if it’s scoldingly hot then then you’ve done a job that’s almost as bad as Lawyer X herself!


thechaser--2020-05-20--All of NSW going to either Byron or The Entrance sounds like a great idea, says Gladys

Gladys Berejiklian is encouraging NSW ’ s 7.5 million people to stimulate local tourism and go on holiday in the state even though there are only two places anyone goes .
The Premier announced this week that holidays will soon be allowed in time for the Queen ’ s Birthday Long Weekend .
It is understood that 3.5 million people will spend it at Byron Bay , while the other 3.5 million will go to The Entrance .
“ We expect all 15,000 people at the bar at The Beach Hotel in Byron to stand 1.5 metres apart from each @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Meanwhile , experts are predicting a new strain of the coronavirus to emerge from the sanitation facilities at The Entrance RSL as a result of the millions of new shits coalescing there .
A spokesperson for Destination NSW pleaded with holidaymakers to think of somewhere , anywhere , different within the almost million square kilometres available around the state .
When challenged on where , the spokesperson said that he was sure there were other holiday destinations in NSW other than Byron Bay and The Entrance but he just couldn ’ t think @ @ @ @ @ @ @ But Sydney man Eric Fenwick said that he planned to change up his holiday plans this year to try and avoid the crowds .
“ We always go to Byron for our holidays , but this time we ’ re going to mix it up and go to The Entrance .
”

All of NSW going to either Byron or The Entrance sounds like a great idea, says Gladys
Gladys Berejiklian is encouraging NSW’s 7.5 million people to stimulate local tourism and go on holiday in the state even though there are only two places anyone goes.
The Premier announced this week that holidays will soon be allowed in time for the Queen’s Birthday Long Weekend. It is understood that 3.5 million people will spend it at Byron Bay, while the other 3.5 million will go to The Entrance.
“We expect all 15,000 people at the bar at The Beach Hotel in Byron to stand 1.5 metres apart from each other,” said Ms Berejiklian.
Meanwhile, experts are predicting a new strain of the coronavirus to emerge from the sanitation facilities at The Entrance RSL as a result of the millions of new shits coalescing there.
A spokesperson for Destination NSW pleaded with holidaymakers to think of somewhere, anywhere, different within the almost million square kilometres available around the state. When challenged on where, the spokesperson said that he was sure there were other holiday destinations in NSW other than Byron Bay and The Entrance but he just couldn’t think of them at this exact moment.
But Sydney man Eric Fenwick said that he planned to change up his holiday plans this year to try and avoid the crowds. “We always go to Byron for our holidays, but this time we’re going to mix it up and go to The Entrance.”


thechaser--2020-05-21--Mike Pence forced to take urgent sick leave after sighting particularly voluptuous peach

Vice President of the United States Mike Pence has been rushed to hospital today after suffering shortness of breath and hearth palpitations , symptoms doctors say could be caused by either a undiagnosed case of coronavirus , or that particularly curvaceous peach Mike walked past earlier .
Witnesses say that the Vice President appeared to have been sweating heavily , and appeared at one point to be having trouble maintaining his balance during a meet and greet earlier in the afternoon .
“ My what a lovely fruit platter this is , ” Pence was heard saying moments before collapsing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s very kind of the Girl Guides to present me with this , oof , is it hot in here for anyone else ?
As I was saying it ’ s a very nice fruit platter , I mean would you look at that round , firm nectarine , just dripping with … sorry I think I just need some air and to sit down for a moment.
” A flushed and nervous looking Pence reportedly then ran out of the room , before dropping to his knees and clutching his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the distance .
Pence was rushed via ambulance to the nearest hospital , which promptly gave him a bandaid and being told to walk it off , causing Mike to immediately accrue over $ 100,000 in medical debt .
UPDATE : Doctors have reported that the Vice President has since come to and was accepting visitors , until their get well soon fruit basket sent him into cardiac arrest .

Vice President of the United States Mike Pence has been rushed to hospital today after suffering shortness of breath and hearth palpitations, symptoms doctors say could be caused by either a undiagnosed case of coronavirus, or that particularly curvaceous peach Mike walked past earlier.
Witnesses say that the Vice President appeared to have been sweating heavily, and appeared at one point to be having trouble maintaining his balance during a meet and greet earlier in the afternoon. “My what a lovely fruit platter this is,” Pence was heard saying moments before collapsing. “Why it, uh, it’s very kind of the Girl Guides to present me with this, oof, is it hot in here for anyone else? As I was saying it’s a very nice fruit platter, I mean would you look at that round, firm nectarine, just dripping with … sorry I think I just need some air and to sit down for a moment.”
A flushed and nervous looking Pence reportedly then ran out of the room, before dropping to his knees and clutching his chest upon seeing a large undulating hillside in the distance.
Pence was rushed via ambulance to the nearest hospital, which promptly gave him a bandaid and being told to walk it off, causing Mike to immediately accrue over $100,000 in medical debt.
UPDATE: Doctors have reported that the Vice President has since come to and was accepting visitors, until their get well soon fruit basket sent him into cardiac arrest.


thechaser--2020-05-21--American paying $10,000/day for respirator just glad he’s not living in a socialist hell like Norway

Local American Brad Jones has today thanked his lucky stars that he lives in a country that affords him the freedom to pay $ 10,000 a day to be kept alive on a respirator , instead of having to live under the crushing burden of socialism like those unlucky chumps in Norway .
“ This is what real freedom feels like , ” wheezed Brad , before being told by doctors that his insurance had denied his latest claim .
“ Imagine being forced to pay a small amount of your income each year to get free healthcare , instead @ @ @ @ @ @ @ income each year and ending up having to pay your hospital costs anyway when your insurance company turns down your claim .
God I love freedom.
” However , Brad ’ s children are not entirely convinced , stating that they actually would have preferred to have eaten this week .
“ Compared to the prospect of being homeless and not being able to afford to put food on the table because all of dad ’ s income is going to medical costs , having a bit of government involved in our lives @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” explained 8 year old Emily .
“ Don ’ t get me wrong , I love that we ’ re a small part of ensuring that the Anthem Insurance CEO gets paid $ 15.5 million a year .
It ’ s just that I can ’ t help but wonder what it would be like if that money had been spent on healthcare instead , you know ?
But I guess that ’ s crazy socialist talk .
Anyway I ’ ve got to go collect my foodstamps for the week @ @ @ @ @

Local American Brad Jones has today thanked his lucky stars that he lives in a country that affords him the freedom to pay $10,000 a day to be kept alive on a respirator, instead of having to live under the crushing burden of socialism like those unlucky chumps in Norway.
“This is what real freedom feels like,” wheezed Brad, before being told by doctors that his insurance had denied his latest claim. “Imagine being forced to pay a small amount of your income each year to get free healthcare, instead of paying a large amount of your income each year and ending up having to pay your hospital costs anyway when your insurance company turns down your claim. God I love freedom.”
However, Brad’s children are not entirely convinced, stating that they actually would have preferred to have eaten this week. “Compared to the prospect of being homeless and not being able to afford to put food on the table because all of dad’s income is going to medical costs, having a bit of government involved in our lives actually doesn’t sound too bad,” explained 8 year old Emily. “Don’t get me wrong, I love that we’re a small part of ensuring that the Anthem Insurance CEO gets paid $15.5 million a year. It’s just that I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if that money had been spent on healthcare instead, you know? But I guess that’s crazy socialist talk. Anyway I’ve got to go collect my foodstamps for the week. Yay freedom.”


thechaser--2020-05-21--Mike Pence takes urgent sick leave after sighting particularly curvaceous peach


thechaser--2020-05-22--Pauline Hanson rushed to hospital after demanding border be opened to foreigners

Federal senator Pauline Hanson has today been submitted for psychiatric evaluation , after the firebrand politician and white cloak enthusiast called for a border to be opened up to foreigners .
“ She ’ s clearly had some kind of mental break , ” explained friends today .
“ Pauline always said that the day that she calls for a border to be opened is the day the Pauline we know and love is dead .
What ’ s next , is she going to start speaking in complete sentences and develop the vocabulary of someone over the age of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not the first politician to suddenly be struck down with this new bout of backflipitis , with Home Affairs minister Peter Dutton also demanding that the Queensland border be re-opened for travel immediately .
Doctors say this is a worrying sign that the infection may be spreading rapidly through Australia ’ s white supremacist community , and Malcolm Frasier has been placed on immediate medical surveillance for signs that he might be considering taking down the swastica flags in his livingroom .
Condolences have been sent to the entire cast of Seven Sunrise @ @ @ @ @ @ @ consult actual experts for their opinion on the news until Mrs Hanson is feeling better

Federal senator Pauline Hanson has today been submitted for psychiatric evaluation, after the firebrand politician and white cloak enthusiast called for a border to be opened up to foreigners.
“She’s clearly had some kind of mental break,” explained friends today. “Pauline always said that the day that she calls for a border to be opened is the day the Pauline we know and love is dead. What’s next, is she going to start speaking in complete sentences and develop the vocabulary of someone over the age of 10? God forbid.”
Pauline is not the first politician to suddenly be struck down with this new bout of backflipitis, with Home Affairs minister Peter Dutton also demanding that the Queensland border be re-opened for travel immediately. Doctors say this is a worrying sign that the infection may be spreading rapidly through Australia’s white supremacist community, and Frasier Anning has been placed on immediate medical surveillance for signs that he might be considering taking down the swastica flags in his livingroom.
Condolences have been sent to the entire cast of Seven Sunrise, who may now be forced to consult actual experts for their opinion on the news until Mrs Hanson is feeling better


thechaser--2020-05-22--JobKeeper error solved: Government to give spare $60 billion to Rupert Murdoch

The Liberal party has today rushed to rectify an error in their JopKeeper costings , after the national treasury found @ @ @ @ @ program had been overstated by $ 60 billion dollars .
In order to rectify the @ @ @ @ @ government have today embarked on a raft of stimulus spending , by handing the $ @ @ @ @ @ Murdoch and declaring the error solved .
“ Our estimates are back on track , @ @ @ @ @ today .
“ And rest assured if Murdoch doesn ’ t want the money , @ @ @ @ @ ’ s rowing club is in desperate need of a $ 60 billion upgrade to @ @ @ @

The Liberal party has today rushed to rectify an error in their JopKeeper costings, after the national treasury found that the cost of the program had been overstated by $60 billion dollars.
In order to rectify the error, ministers for the government have today embarked on a raft of stimulus spending, by handing the $60 billion directly to Rupert Murdoch and declaring the error solved.
“Our estimates are back on track,” declared treasurer Josh Frydenberg today. “And rest assured if Murdoch doesn’t want the money, we have been told Mosman’s rowing club is in desperate need of a $60 billion upgrade to their changerooms.”


thechaser--2020-05-22--Lush introduce new scented candle that smells like $50 going up in flames

Scented candles will cut out the middleman and smell like burning money , a spokesperson for the industry has announced .
The decision was made after manufacturers ran out of new scents and thought they would have to go back to the first one – ‘ Hot tallow ’ .
Instead , a junior marketer suggested that candles could smell like the thing they are .
Fans love the idea .
Sales assistant Kayla Taylor said “ I never knew what I loved most about scented candles – the smell of something unpleasant or the feeling of not having $ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t have to wonder because the smell and the feeling are the same !
” Scented candle vendor Martin Smith said “ The people we sell these things to don ’ t seem to value logic or economy at all , so it ’ s surprising they have taken to the idea of combining the experience with the scent .
The only thing I can think of is that the fumes of the candles they have inhaled have affected their mental capacity.
” But experts say that purchasers of scented candles , like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bright to begin with .

Scented candles will cut out the middleman and smell like burning money, a spokesperson for the industry has announced. The decision was made after manufacturers ran out of new scents and thought they would have to go back to the first one – ‘Hot tallow’.
Instead, a junior marketer suggested that candles could smell like the thing they are.
Fans love the idea. Sales assistant Kayla Taylor said “I never knew what I loved most about scented candles – the smell of something unpleasant or the feeling of not having $50 anymore. Now I don’t have to wonder because the smell and the feeling are the same!”
Scented candle vendor Martin Smith said “The people we sell these things to don’t seem to value logic or economy at all, so it’s surprising they have taken to the idea of combining the experience with the scent. The only thing I can think of is that the fumes of the candles they have inhaled have affected their mental capacity.”
But experts say that purchasers of scented candles, like the candles themselves, were never that bright to begin with.


thechaser--2020-05-22--Unexplored 95% of ocean “probably more of the same” admit scientists

Scientists have admitted it is pointless studying any more of the ocean because it will just be more water and some fish .
Although humanity knows more about the moon that we do about our oceans , they have reached the conclusion that it ’ s probably better just to guess what the bits we haven ’ t been to are like , based on the rest .
The group of marine biologists and oceanographers made the declaration after looking at a big map of the sea and working out how long it would take to get a look at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Percy Lupus said “ I ’ ve seen loads and it ’ s all basically the same .
Some of the fish are different , I guess .
And some bits are warmer , and so on .
But it ’ s all just salty water at the end of the day .
Let ’ s focus our energies elsewhere.
” Shaking her head and looking at the map , Dr Susan Browne said “ Look at this .
There ’ s easily as much blue as there is green .
Probably more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to get round all of that.
” The declaration came after NASA released a statement saying they were giving up on space because they “ still don ’ t really get it .
”

Scientists have admitted it is pointless studying any more of the ocean because it will just be more water and some fish. Although humanity knows more about the moon that we do about our oceans, they have reached the conclusion that it’s probably better just to guess what the bits we haven’t been to are like, based on the rest.
The group of marine biologists and oceanographers made the declaration after looking at a big map of the sea and working out how long it would take to get a look at all of it.
Team lead Dr Percy Lupus said “I’ve seen loads and it’s all basically the same. Some of the fish are different, I guess. And some bits are warmer, and so on. But it’s all just salty water at the end of the day. Let’s focus our energies elsewhere.”
Shaking her head and looking at the map, Dr Susan Browne said “Look at this. There’s easily as much blue as there is green. Probably more. Fucked if I’m trying to get round all of that.”
The declaration came after NASA released a statement saying they were giving up on space because they “still don’t really get it.”


thechaser--2020-05-22--Local hipster had a shit haircut before everyone was doing it

In an astonishing but inspiring story emerging out of Yass today , it has been revealed in a conversation between Jason and his cousin Tim that Jason ’ s mullet in fact predates the rise of the Coronavirus threat .
Tim had this to say : “ Yeah well we were catching up for the first time since a hot minute before all this hullabaloo [ global pandemic ] kicked off and I was giving him a bit of a roast about being like every other flog rocking an iso mop , when he stopped me.
” Tim took a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ told me the only iso haircut flog was the one he was looking at , which shortly after I realised must mean myself .
That was when I realised he must have got that haircut before this all happened .
And THAT was when I started to seriously worry about the gene pool in my extended family.
” When asked for comment Jason had this to say : “ Yeah no shit I was rocking business at the front and party at the back before all these stooges .
Because I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Dog got a couple months off his wage slave office job because of all this and thinks cutting an iso buzzcut makes him hard .
Tim , you ’ re family , I love you , but honestly get a bloody dog up ya .
You want to have a hard haircut , this shit ain ’ t no casual work , it isn ’ t no timeshare .
It ’ s a bloody lifestyle .
And if you ’ re not about that , I ’ m not about you.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Jason ’ s girlfriends to discuss their opinion of both their boyfriends and also their own recently self-cut bangs , but both chose not to comment .

In an astonishing but inspiring story emerging out of Yass today, it has been revealed in a conversation between Jason and his cousin Tim that Jason’s mullet in fact predates the rise of the Coronavirus threat. Tim had this to say:
“Yeah well we were catching up for the first time since a hot minute before all this hullabaloo [global pandemic] kicked off and I was giving him a bit of a roast about being like every other flog rocking an iso mop, when he stopped me.” Tim took a moment to collect himself. “He told me the only iso haircut flog was the one he was looking at, which shortly after I realised must mean myself. That was when I realised he must have got that haircut before this all happened. And THAT was when I started to seriously worry about the gene pool in my extended family.”
When asked for comment Jason had this to say: “Yeah no shit I was rocking business at the front and party at the back before all these stooges. Because I’m actually about this. Look at Tim. Dog got a couple months off his wage slave office job because of all this and thinks cutting an iso buzzcut makes him hard. Tim, you’re family, I love you, but honestly get a bloody dog up ya. You want to have a hard haircut, this shit ain’t no casual work, it isn’t no timeshare. It’s a bloody lifestyle. And if you’re not about that, I’m not about you.”
We reached out to both Tim and Jason’s girlfriends to discuss their opinion of both their boyfriends and also their own recently self-cut bangs, but both chose not to comment.


thechaser--2020-05-23--Treasurer in hot water after receiving $60 billion robodebt invoice

Federal treasurer Josh Frydenberg has today been forced to open an account with AfterPay , after being hit with a $ 60 billion robodebt fine by Centrelink for mis-reported JobKeeper funds .
The news comes at a particularly bad time for Frydenberg , given he was hoping to apply for JobKeeper this week after a minor workplace snafu increased the chances of him losing his job significantly , after he misplace a few billion dollars of funds .
Even with the job however , the $ 60 billion would be extremely hard to pay back for Frydenberg , with the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ $ 433,000 a year to not fuck up basic arithmetic , an amount that doesn ’ t even cover the cost of a simple calculator , apparently .
Asked how he would be paying back the money , Frydenberg explained that it was obviously a mixup by Centrelink and that he would simply call and explain to them that they had made a mistake .
“ We all know Centrelink wouldn ’ t let someone ’ s life be ruined over a debt they don ’ t even owe , ” explained Frydenberg @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on his forehead .
“ Now if you ’ ll excuse me , I ’ ve got to get back to my phone , I ’ ve been on hold for three days now and they could get back on the line any second .
”

Federal treasurer Josh Frydenberg has today been forced to open an account with AfterPay, after being hit with a $60 billion robodebt fine by Centrelink for mis-reported JobKeeper funds.
The news comes at a particularly bad time for Frydenberg, given he was hoping to apply for JobKeeper this week after a minor workplace snafu increased the chances of him losing his job significantly, after he misplace a few billion dollars of funds. Even with the job however, the $60 billion would be extremely hard to pay back for Frydenberg, with the Treasurer currently only being paid a measly $433,000 a year to not fuck up basic arithmetic, an amount that doesn’t even cover the cost of a simple calculator, apparently.
Asked how he would be paying back the money, Frydenberg explained that it was obviously a mixup by Centrelink and that he would simply call and explain to them that they had made a mistake. “We all know Centrelink wouldn’t let someone’s life be ruined over a debt they don’t even owe,” explained Frydenberg as a red laser dots homed in on his forehead. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to my phone, I’ve been on hold for three days now and they could get back on the line any second.”


thechaser--2020-05-25--Labor bolsters election hopes by recruiting Steven Bradbury as new leader

The Labour Party have today begun stage one of plans to make a seemingly impossible comeback in the polls , after appointing Winter Olympic gold medallist turned reality tv disappointment Steven Bradbury the new Leader of the Opposition .
“ We are excited to finally have one of life ’ s winners of our team , ” said a Labor spokesperson , “ Mr Bradbury is highly experienced at dealing with overconfident opponents who can ’ t help but screw up , so we thought he would make for the perfect competitor to take advantage of the Morrison government ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ leaders , Mr Bradbury knows it ’ s important as Opposition Leader to never just give up and stop trying , no matter the odds.
” “ After years of disappointing Aussies everywhere , we finally have a likable leader .
Someone who Aussies can actually get behind .
Someone who Aussies actually talk about proudly .
Do you know how embarrassing it is to try and conduct research about what the voters think of the Labor leader , only to have to inform that our leader is Anthony Albanese ?
I mean @ @ @ @ @ @ @ voices as they respond ‘ Oh , that guy ’ .
Maybe we might actually have a chance to inspire voter confidence and seem like we know what we are doing for once.
” Not everyone in the Labor Party as thrilled with this change however , deposed Opposition Leader Albanese was strongly against the proposal and announced he planned to stand up and fight against this move , but instead when it came time to actually do so he decided to just go along with it and tweeted a snarky comment instead @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ‘ Opposing Albo ’ .

The Labour Party have today begun stage one of plans to make a seemingly impossible comeback in the polls, after appointing Winter Olympic gold medallist turned reality tv disappointment Steven Bradbury the new Leader of the Opposition.
“We are excited to finally have one of life’s winners of our team,” said a Labor spokesperson, “Mr Bradbury is highly experienced at dealing with overconfident opponents who can’t help but screw up, so we thought he would make for the perfect competitor to take advantage of the Morrison government’s constant controversies. Unlike previous Labor leaders, Mr Bradbury knows it’s important as Opposition Leader to never just give up and stop trying, no matter the odds.”
“After years of disappointing Aussies everywhere, we finally have a likable leader. Someone who Aussies can actually get behind. Someone who Aussies actually talk about proudly. Do you know how embarrassing it is to try and conduct research about what the voters think of the Labor leader, only to have to inform that our leader is Anthony Albanese? I mean you can hear the apathy in their voices as they respond ‘Oh, that guy’. Maybe we might actually have a chance to inspire voter confidence and seem like we know what we are doing for once.”
Not everyone in the Labor Party as thrilled with this change however, deposed Opposition Leader Albanese was strongly against the proposal and announced he planned to stand up and fight against this move, but instead when it came time to actually do so he decided to just go along with it and tweeted a snarky comment instead. A trademark move he calls the ‘Opposing Albo’.


thechaser--2020-05-25--Government declares Mac users can return to normal life as they don’t get viruses

The United States government has today spent $ 1 Trillion of stimulus money to ensure every American owns a Mac Book Pro , after President Donald Trump read online that Mac users don ’ t get viruses .
“ You know I ’ ve been doing a lot of reading , and I ’ m hearing a lot of good things , great things about Mac users , ” Trump explained .
“ Apparently they don ’ t get viruses .
I read one profile of a woman , she ’ d been using macs for thirty years and never @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that amazing ?
And sure some people in the bad guy press are saying ‘ that ’ s not going to stop people getting sick ’ but who knows , maybe we should try it first ?
I have it on very good expert opinion that it ’ s not going to hurt patients so why not at least try it , see what happens ?
” “ In fact I ’ ve been using a Mac for three weeks now , bet you didn ’ t know that did you .
Not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I can ’ t find the internet button .
You know the one with the ‘ e ’ ?
Think it must be broken , I ’ ve got some very good people looking into it though .
Kushner has had to put Middle East peace on hold until he can fix the internet , but we ’ re making great progress.
” However , plans have already hit a serious snag , with the $ 1 Trillion budget only managing to purchase 5 new Macs , with 3 of them already being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ being purchased .
“ God it ’ s so slow , they must be about to release a new model , ” complained one new user .
“ Wait here come some PC users , OH MY MAC IS SO FAST AND EFFICIENT OH MY GOODNESS THIS IS SO GOOD QUICK SOMEBODY TAKE MY SELFIE I ’ M HAVING SO MUCH FUN okay they ’ re gone , god this computer sucks .
”

The United States government has today spent $1 Trillion of stimulus money to ensure every American owns a Mac Book Pro, after President Donald Trump read online that Mac users don’t get viruses.
“You know I’ve been doing a lot of reading, and I’m hearing a lot of good things, great things about Mac users,” Trump explained. “Apparently they don’t get viruses. I read one profile of a woman, she’d been using macs for thirty years and never got a virus. Isn’t that amazing? And sure some people in the bad guy press are saying ‘that’s not going to stop people getting sick’ but who knows, maybe we should try it first? I have it on very good expert opinion that it’s not going to hurt patients so why not at least try it, see what happens?”
“In fact I’ve been using a Mac for three weeks now, bet you didn’t know that did you. Not a single problem at all, except I can’t find the internet button. You know the one with the ‘e’? Think it must be broken, I’ve got some very good people looking into it though. Kushner has had to put Middle East peace on hold until he can fix the internet, but we’re making great progress.”
However, plans have already hit a serious snag, with the $1 Trillion budget only managing to purchase 5 new Macs, with 3 of them already being declared out of date within days of being purchased. “God it’s so slow, they must be about to release a new model,” complained one new user. “Wait here come some PC users, OH MY MAC IS SO FAST AND EFFICIENT OH MY GOODNESS THIS IS SO GOOD QUICK SOMEBODY TAKE MY SELFIE I’M HAVING SO MUCH FUN okay they’re gone, god this computer sucks.”


thechaser--2020-05-25--Struggling cafe owner set for life after Josh Frydenberg buys sandwich for $200 million

A cafe owner in Melbourne inner-east has struck it rich , after Josh Frydenberg walked in and bought a sandwich @ @ @ @ @ The sandwich normally sells for $ 7 .
But Mr Frydenberg instead paid $ 200 @ @ @ @ @ salad sandwich with mayonnaise , which he later described as “ a bit stale.
” @ @ @ @ @ and his staff , for the slip up , but later said he had nothing @ @ @ @ @ In the grand scheme of things , I only got the cost of the sandwich @ @ @ @ @ which is basically a rounding error compared to last week ’ s $ 60,000,000,000 mistake.
@ @ @ @ @ that he ’ d sought estimates from Treasury about how much a sandwich from the @ @ @ @ @ since everyone in the office had only ever dined in five star restaurants , nobody @ @ @ @ @ cafe owner said that despite the $ 200 million windfall he still planned to systematically @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s the Australian way .
”

A cafe owner in Melbourne inner-east has struck it rich, after Josh Frydenberg walked in and bought a sandwich from the struggling establishment.
The sandwich normally sells for $7. But Mr Frydenberg instead paid $200 million for the chicken and salad sandwich with mayonnaise, which he later described as “a bit stale.”
Mr Frydenberg initially blamed Treasury and his staff, for the slip up, but later said he had nothing to apologise for. “In the grand scheme of things, I only got the cost of the sandwich wrong by $199,999,993, which is basically a rounding error compared to last week’s $60,000,000,000 mistake.”
Mr Frydenberg admitted later that he’d sought estimates from Treasury about how much a sandwich from the local cafe would cost but since everyone in the office had only ever dined in five star restaurants, nobody had any idea.
The cafe owner said that despite the $200 million windfall he still planned to systematically underpay his workers. “It’s the Australian way.”