thechaser--2020-01-18--Local man quietly deletes 3 month old Facebook post calling Climate Rebellion idiots

Local Darren and full time student at the School of Hard Knocks , Darren ‘ Dazza ’ Springwood has today quietly gone back and deleted years of posts making fun of climate science and calling for Extinction Rebellion protesters to be locked up , after three straight months of natural disasters convinced him that the climate scientists may have been on to something .
“ I don ’ t know what you ’ re talking about , I ’ ve always believed in climate change ?
” said the man who had only last month written a letter to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to mention Greta Thrunberg .
“ I distinctly remember telling friends and family that wind turbines definitely do not cause cancer , give or take a few words.
” Asked whether he would be taking a lesson from this experience when it comes to trusting people who know what they ’ re talking about over random Facebook conspiracies , Darren said that he would .
“ I ’ m much more critical about what I read online , and do my own research , ” explained Darren .
“ For example , did @ @ @ @ @ @ @ caused by sky lazers shot by greenies who want to use the cleared land to build a high speed rail ?
I ’ m pretty sure I don ’ t even need to research that one , it sounds so plausible it must be true .
”

Local Darren and full time student at the School of Hard Knocks, Darren ‘Dazza’ Springwood has today quietly gone back and deleted years of posts making fun of climate science and calling for Extinction Rebellion protesters to be locked up, after three straight months of natural disasters convinced him that the climate scientists may have been on to something.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’ve always believed in climate change?” said the man who had only last month written a letter to the ABC calling them brainwashed lefties for daring to mention Greta Thrunberg. “I distinctly remember telling friends and family that wind turbines definitely do not cause cancer, give or take a few words.”
Asked whether he would be taking a lesson from this experience when it comes to trusting people who know what they’re talking about over random Facebook conspiracies, Darren said that he would. “I’m much more critical about what I read online, and do my own research,” explained Darren. “For example, did you know that the bushfires were actually caused by sky lazers shot by greenies who want to use the cleared land to build a high speed rail? I’m pretty sure I don’t even need to research that one, it sounds so plausible it must be true.”


thechaser--2020-01-20--“What climate change?” say PM dealing with drought, fire, flood, hail and dust storm in one day

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today hit back at claims by New South Wales environment minister , Matt Kean , that the federal government needs to do more on climate change , stating that there is absolutely no need for that .
“ We ’ re doing everything that needs to be done , ” said Morrison while dodging flaming hail stones through a thick blanket of smoke while up to his knees in croc infested water .
“ I still don ’ t see any link between this hail and climate change , or the drought and climate change @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , or the dust storm and climate change , or the floods and climate change , or the … sorry I have to go I ’ ve just been told there ’ s an emergency volcano warning I have to tend to in Hawaii.
” Asked why he was so set against reducing carbon emissions , given even News Corp is pretending to support the idea , the Prime Minister explained that Australia has no influence on the matter .
“ Look , just because we were specifically named as intentionally trying to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ agreement , that doesn ’ t mean we have any influence on global climate policy , ” explained the Prime Minister .
“ The fact is we ’ re only 1 % of emissions .
And sure , some people may point out we ’ re indirectly contributing through our coal exports , but if we were to kill the coal industry then what would we do for jobs ?
Tourism ?
Ha !
Fat chance of that with all these totally normal weather events we ’ re having.
” Asked how exactly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ given that it relied on loopholes that don ’ t actually require serious cutbacks in cutback emissions , Morrison explained that he had already answered more questions than the goal he set himself , and therefore would be using a carryover credit from that in place of answering any further questions .

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today hit back at claims by New South Wales environment minister, Matt Kean, that the federal government needs to do more on climate change, stating that there is absolutely no need for that. “We’re doing everything that needs to be done,” said Morrison while dodging flaming hail stones through a thick blanket of smoke while up to his knees in croc infested water. “I still don’t see any link between this hail and climate change, or the drought and climate change, or the fires and climate change, or the dust storm and climate change, or the floods and climate change, or the … sorry I have to go I’ve just been told there’s an emergency volcano warning I have to tend to in Hawaii.”
Asked why he was so set against reducing carbon emissions, given even News Corp is pretending to support the idea, the Prime Minister explained that Australia has no influence on the matter. “Look, just because we were specifically named as intentionally trying to sabotage the UN’s latest climate agreement, that doesn’t mean we have any influence on global climate policy,” explained the Prime Minister. “The fact is we’re only 1% of emissions. And sure, some people may point out we’re indirectly contributing through our coal exports, but if we were to kill the coal industry then what would we do for jobs? Tourism? Ha! Fat chance of that with all these totally normal weather events we’re having.”
Asked how exactly the current plan was addressing climate change given that it relied on loopholes that don’t actually require serious cutbacks in emissions, Morrison explained that he had already answered more questions than the goal he set himself, and therefore would be using a carryover credit from that in place of answering any further questions.


thechaser--2020-01-20--Government begs Australians to taper their prayers for rain

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today begged Australia to not all pray for rain at once , after large portions of the country were flooded by sudden downpours of rain .
“ Look I know I said thoughts and prayers would fix this , but not all at once !
” said the panicked Prime Minister as he waded through Parliament House .
“ Please for the love of God people , think before you pray !
” The rain has also proved to be a mixed blessing to those struggling with fires and drought , with many stating @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are out , the croc infested floods are really making it difficult to see this as the better of the two .
“ It ’ s a miracle !
A horrible , horrible miracle !
” said one horrified farmer as he watched his farm go from drought stricken to flooded in two minutes .
“ When I prayed to God I think it must have been the old testament one that got my message .
I was really hoping it would be the hippy new age one , we ’ d probably @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if it was him… or her… or it it ‘ them ’ ?
I ’ m not really sure how gender works when you ’ re an all powerful creator of universes.
” However , the Prime Minister ’ s request that some Australians stop praying has already hit a snag , with Morrison carted off by police only minutes later for breaching his own Religious Discrimination laws .
“ If people want to pray for destructive , life destroying floods in the privacy of their own homes then that ’ s their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ explained Officer Clive Pugh who was attending the scene .
“ In fact , praying for floods is basically what Christianity was founded on .
That and the right for old men to wear dresses in public .
Carry on Australia .
Your attempts to bring on judgement day are protected by law .
”

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today begged Australia to not all pray for rain at once, after large portions of the country were flooded by sudden downpours of rain. “Look I know I said thoughts and prayers would fix this, but not all at once!” said the panicked Prime Minister as he waded through Parliament House. “Please for the love of God people, think before you pray!”
The rain has also proved to be a mixed blessing to those struggling with fires and drought, with many stating that while they are pleased the fires are out, the croc infested floods are really making it difficult to see this as the better of the two. “It’s a miracle! A horrible, horrible miracle!” said one horrified farmer as he watched his farm go from drought stricken to flooded in two minutes. “When I prayed to God I think it must have been the old testament one that got my message. I was really hoping it would be the hippy new age one, we’d probably all be swimming in wine right now if it was him… or her… or it it ‘them’? I’m not really sure how gender works when you’re an all powerful creator of universes.”
However, the Prime Minister’s request that some Australians stop praying has already hit a snag, with Morrison carted off by police only minutes later for breaching his own Religious Discrimination laws. “If people want to pray for destructive, life destroying floods in the privacy of their own homes then that’s their business and their business alone,” explained Officer Clive Pugh who was attending the scene. “In fact, praying for floods is basically what Christianity was founded on. That and the right for old men to wear dresses in public. Carry on Australia. Your attempts to bring on judgement day are protected by law.”


thechaser--2020-01-21--Nation savours single facemask free day between smoke and coronavirus outbreak

The Nation of Australia has breathed a large sigh of relief today at the news that the air is finally back to its regular , slightly less toxic levels of pollution today , before sharply inhaling again upon hearing that the deadly coronavirus may have reached our shores .
“ Well that was a nice 5 minutes I didn ’ t have to wear a facemask , ” said one local man , standing in the hour long queue at Bunnings to restock his P2 facemask supplies .
“ It was good to give my 4 month old child an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a human face looks like , thought I guess that might be the last time she sees that.
” However , some are still resisting the idea of wearing facemasks , with pack-a-day smoker Derryn Blake stating that a little smoke or risk of death was hardly a concern .
“ Yea look , actually when it was smoky outside I decided I wouldn ’ t buy the facemasks to save money , you know ?
” he explained .
“ Yea , they said it was like smoking two packs a day @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mask , so I saved a tonne on ciggies .
Plus I ’ m not really worried if there ’ s a 1 in 200 chance the coronavirus might kill me .
I ’ ve had some pretty near death experiences with Coronas before , and as a pack a day smoker a 1 in 200 chance of death is actually an improvement on my odds .
Frankly I ’ m doing pretty well these days .
”

The Nation of Australia has breathed a large sigh of relief today at the news that the air is finally back to its regular, slightly less toxic levels of pollution today, before sharply inhaling again upon hearing that the deadly coronavirus may have reached our shores.
“Well that was a nice 5 minutes I didn’t have to wear a facemask,” said one local man, standing in the hour long queue at Bunnings to restock his P2 facemask supplies. “It was good to give my 4 month old child an idea of what the lower half of a human face looks like, thought I guess that might be the last time she sees that.”
However, some are still resisting the idea of wearing facemasks, with pack-a-day smoker Derryn Blake stating that a little smoke or risk of death was hardly a concern. “Yea look, actually when it was smoky outside I decided I wouldn’t buy the facemasks to save money, you know?” he explained. “Yea, they said it was like smoking two packs a day if you didn’t wear a mask, so I saved a tonne on ciggies. Plus I’m not really worried if there’s a 1 in 200 chance the coronavirus might kill me. I’ve had some pretty near death experiences with Coronas before, and as a pack a day smoker a 1 in 200 chance of death is actually an improvement on my odds. Frankly I’m doing pretty well these days.”


thechaser--2020-01-21--Sad day: Eggboy has finally hatched

Sad day: Eggboy has finally hatched

Australians across the nation were saddened today at news that national hero Eggboy has reached the end of his lifecycle @ @ @ @ @ famous egged Frasier Anning hatching late this afternoon , spawning ZigoteBoy from his shattered remains @ @ @ @ @ that has emerged in Eggboy ’ s place retains his zealousness for fighting far-right politics @ @ @ @ @ with many commentators warning that we should not simply assume that the large reptilian insect @ @ @ @ @ good or evil until it has taken its final form .
“ Yes on the @ @ @ @ @ appears to be some form of horrendous alien lifeform that implants itself in humans and @ @ @ @ @ like a parasite , but then so does the average middle manager and we ’ @ @ @ @ @ , ” cautioned one onlooker .
“ Let ’ s not pre-judge this monstrosity until @ @ @ @ @ his vital fluids from innocent bystanders or just politicians , which I think we could @ @ @ @ @ national service on par with what Eggboy would have wanted .
”

Australians across the nation were saddened today at news that national hero Eggboy has reached the end of his lifecycle, with the boy who famous egged Frasier Anning hatching late this afternoon, spawning ZigoteBoy from his shattered remains.
Whether the large triclopod that has emerged in Eggboy’s place retains his zealousness for fighting far-right politics remains to be seen, with many commentators warning that we should not simply assume that the large reptilian insect will use his pincers for good or evil until it has taken its final form.
“Yes on the face of it, ZigoteBoy appears to be some form of horrendous alien lifeform that implants itself in humans and feeds on their life force like a parasite, but then so does the average middle manager and we’ve learned to tolerate them,” cautioned one onlooker. “Let’s not pre-judge this monstrosity until we see if he draws his vital fluids from innocent bystanders or just politicians, which I think we could all agree would be a national service on par with what Eggboy would have wanted.”


thechaser--2020-01-21--Scott Morrison’s “I stopped the boats” trophy revoked

Scott Morrison has today been stripped of his “ I stopped these ” boat trophy by his fellow colleagues after the latest Australian figures showed the number of boats off Australia ’ s coast had quadrupled in the last month .
“ From people fleeing bushfires , to teenage climate activists , to Mosman ’ s rowing club , to Gold Coast residents heading down to the local shops , it seems like every second person these days is in some form of a boat , ” explained the Minister for Dogwhistles Peter Dutton .
“ Thank god Morrison was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ short , because I have it on good authority his original plan was to return via a 3 week cruise , which would have absolutely decimated our image as tough on boats.
” Instead the Prime Minister has been offered a range of replacement trophies to sit on his mantle , from an “ I stopped these ” certificate in the shape of a Koala , to an “ I stopped this ” medallion depicting a price on carbon , to an “ I destroyed this ” trophy in the shape of a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the boats trophy has reportedly left the Prime Minister deeply upset , with colleagues forced to cheer him up by forcefully shaking his hand and then walking away as he explained his problems .

Scott Morrison has today been stripped of his “I stopped these” boat trophy by his fellow colleagues after the latest Australian figures showed the number of boats off Australia’s coast had quadrupled in the last month.
“From people fleeing bushfires, to teenage climate activists, to Mosman’s rowing club, to Gold Coast residents heading down to the local shops, it seems like every second person these days is in some form of a boat,” explained the Minister for Dogwhistles Peter Dutton. “Thank god Morrison was forced to cut his holiday in Hawaii short, because I have it on good authority his original plan was to return via a 3 week cruise, which would have absolutely decimated our image as tough on boats.”
Instead the Prime Minister has been offered a range of replacement trophies to sit on his mantle, from an “I stopped these” certificate in the shape of a Koala, to an “I stopped this” medallion depicting a price on carbon, to an “I destroyed this” trophy in the shape of a toilet at Engadine Maccas.
The removal of the boats trophy has reportedly left the Prime Minister deeply upset, with colleagues forced to cheer him up by forcefully shaking his hand and then walking away as he explained his problems.


thechaser--2020-01-20--“What climate change?” says PM dealing with drought, fire, flood, hail and dust storm in one day

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today hit back at claims by New South Wales environment minister , Matt Kean , that the federal government needs to do more on climate change , stating that there is absolutely no need for that .
“ We ’ re doing everything that needs to be done , ” said Morrison while dodging flaming hail stones through a thick blanket of smoke while up to his knees in croc infested water .
“ I still don ’ t see any link between this hail and climate change , or the drought and climate change @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , or the dust storm and climate change , or the floods and climate change , or the … sorry I have to go I ’ ve just been told there ’ s an emergency volcano warning I have to tend to in Hawaii.
” Asked why he was so set against reducing carbon emissions , given even News Corp is pretending to support the idea , the Prime Minister explained that Australia has no influence on the matter .
“ Look , just because we were specifically named as intentionally trying to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ agreement , that doesn ’ t mean we have any influence on global climate policy , ” explained the Prime Minister .
“ The fact is we ’ re only 1 % of emissions .
And sure , some people may point out we ’ re indirectly contributing through our coal exports , but if we were to kill the coal industry then what would we do for jobs ?
Tourism ?
Ha !
Fat chance of that with all these totally normal weather events we ’ re having.
” Asked how exactly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ given that it relied on loopholes that don ’ t actually require serious cutbacks in emissions , Morrison explained that he had already answered more questions than the goal he set himself , and therefore would be using a carryover credit from that in place of answering any further questions .


thechaser--2020-01-21--Nation nervously wonders what nightmare universe is planning to unleash today

The nation of Australia has today cautiously opened one eye , and then the other , before slowly looking around the bedroom to make sure the universe hasn ’ t unleashed another horrific disaster while they slept .
“ I think I ’ ll avoid social media this morning , ” explained mother of two Jannette while getting out of bed , “ Think I ’ ll leave learning about the latest plague , hurricane , famine or meteor until after I ’ ve dropped the kids off at school.
” However , Janette immediately regretted the decision , upon @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thousands of frogs .
“ Oh great , a plague .
I should have seen this coming , ” said Jannette as she reached for the broom .
“ KIDS !
GET YOUR RAIN COATS ON BEFORE YOU COME DOWNSTAIRS .
THE WEATHER BUREAU SAYS WE ’ RE EXPECTING LOCUSTS.
” The frogopalypse is just the latest in a string of natural disasters that the universe has decided to unleash on Australia this week , the list of which now includes wildfires , duststorms , hail , smoke , floods , crocodies , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ government is warning all Australians to remain indoors for the foreseeable future , and will be providing further updates just as soon as ministers return from their holidays .

The nation of Australia has today cautiously opened one eye, and then the other, before slowly looking around the bedroom to make sure the universe hasn’t unleashed another horrific disaster while they slept. “I think I’ll avoid social media this morning,” explained mother of two Jannette while getting out of bed, “Think I’ll leave learning about the latest plague, hurricane, famine or meteor until after I’ve dropped the kids off at school.”
However, Janette immediately regretted the decision, upon reaching downstairs which was now full of thousands of frogs. “Oh great, a plague. I should have seen this coming,” said Jannette as she reached for the broom. “KIDS! GET YOUR RAIN COATS ON BEFORE YOU COME DOWNSTAIRS. THE WEATHER BUREAU SAYS WE’RE EXPECTING LOCUSTS.”
The frogopalypse is just the latest in a string of natural disasters that the universe has decided to unleash on Australia this week, the list of which now includes wildfires, duststorms, hail, smoke, floods, crocodies, and a deadly viral plague. The government is warning all Australians to remain indoors for the foreseeable future, and will be providing further updates just as soon as ministers return from their holidays.


thechaser--2020-01-21--BREAKING: Australian government repeals gay marriage in attempt to stop natural disasters

The Australian government has has held an emergency sitting of parliament tonight in order to discuss repealing same-sex marriage , in the wake of the 8th natural disaster to hit the country in under one week .
“ Izzy was right !
” one terrified MP was heard screaming as he ran into parliament while being pummelled by flaming hail stones .
“ Forget human rights , forget the rule of law , forget the separation of Church and State , it ’ s the apocalypse !
We ’ ve got to start sacrificing the virgins to appease the gods @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ ll get the matches.
” Asked whether this all might be a bit drastic , the Prime Minister said he couldn ’ t afford to take any chances .
“ Look , we ’ ve had fires , floods , smoke , crocodiles on the loose , hail , dust storms , and now a potential plague all hit the country within one week , ” explained Morrison .
“ If that ’ s not God showing he ’ s angry at us I don ’ t know what else it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be climate change behind a majority of the freak weather events , given scientists predicted it would cause this exact outcome over 20 years ago , Morrison said that “ so called Climate Change ” was just wild superstition , and he would not be making laws based around the fringe beliefs of a crazy cult .
In unrelated news , the Religious Discrimination Bill is expected to be passed by the parliament early next week .
UPDATE : A representative for God has explained that the All Seeing Holy Father was not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or any other human suffering , as he has been taking some much needed time off in Hawaii for the last 2000 years

The Australian government has has held an emergency sitting of parliament tonight in order to discuss repealing same-sex marriage, in the wake of the 8th natural disaster to hit the country in under one week.
“Izzy was right!” one terrified MP was heard screaming as he ran into parliament while being pummelled by flaming hail stones. “Forget human rights, forget the rule of law, forget the separation of Church and State, it’s the apocalypse! We’ve got to start sacrificing the virgins to appease the gods! Someone hold down Christopher Pyne and I’ll get the matches.”
Asked whether this all might be a bit drastic, the Prime Minister said he couldn’t afford to take any chances. “Look, we’ve had fires, floods, smoke, crocodiles on the loose, hail, dust storms, and now a potential plague all hit the country within one week,” explained Morrison. “If that’s not God showing he’s angry at us I don’t know what else it could be.”
Asked whether it might be climate change behind a majority of the freak weather events, given scientists predicted it would cause this exact outcome over 20 years ago, Morrison said that “so called Climate Change” was just wild superstition, and he would not be making laws based around the fringe beliefs of a crazy cult.
In unrelated news, the Religious Discrimination Bill is expected to be passed by the parliament early next week.
UPDATE: A representative for God has explained that the All Seeing Holy Father was not responsible for the latest weather events, or any other human suffering, as he has been taking some much needed time off in Hawaii for the last 2000 years


thechaser--2020-01-22--Government launch inquiry to determine just how innocent Bridget McKenzie is

The Federal Government has today announced that it will be launching an internal inquiry to investigate Bridget McKenzie ’ s recent scandals and find her innocent on all charges .
“ Rest assured we will be getting to the bottom of this , ” announced the Prime Minister this afternoon .
“ No stone will be left unturned when it comes to us looking into how innocent McKenzie is in this whole affair.
” Asked whether this matter would be better left up to an independent third party , like some kind of Independent Commission Against Corruption , the Prime @ @ @ @ @ @ @ no need to waste taxpayers money like that .
“ God , I can think of much better ways we could be spending the public ’ s money than some navel-gazing corruption commission , ” explained Morrison .
“ Just off the top of my head I can think of ten marginal Liberal electorates where we could be much better off spending that money.
” Asked how the government could be trusted to investigate themselves , given the recent stonewalling of investigations around similar wrongdoing by Michaelia Cash and Angus Thompson , Morrison @ @ @ @ @ @ @ investigation would be done by the government , not the AFP , so it will be much less biased in favour of the government .
“ God , if we ’ ve learned anything from the last ten years of politics , the most likely person to bring someone down in the parliament is their closest party colleagues , ” explained the Prime Minister .
“ I don ’ t think we could given Bridget a harsher punishment than to be investigated by her friends and allies in the Liberal Party.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sharpened .
”

The Federal Government has today announced that it will be launching an internal inquiry to investigate Bridget McKenzie’s recent scandals and find her innocent on all charges. “Rest assured we will be getting to the bottom of this,” announced the Prime Minister this afternoon. “No stone will be left unturned when it comes to us looking into how innocent McKenzie is in this whole affair.”
Asked whether this matter would be better left up to an independent third party, like some kind of Independent Commission Against Corruption, the Prime Minister laughed, before stating there was no need to waste taxpayers money like that. “God, I can think of much better ways we could be spending the public’s money than some navel-gazing corruption commission,” explained Morrison. “Just off the top of my head I can think of ten marginal Liberal electorates where we could be much better off spending that money.”
Asked how the government could be trusted to investigate themselves, given the recent stonewalling of investigations around similar wrongdoing by Michaelia Cash and Angus Thompson, Morrison explained that unlike those cases, this investigation would be done by the government, not the AFP, so it will be much less biased in favour of the government. “God, if we’ve learned anything from the last ten years of politics, the most likely person to bring someone down in the parliament is their closest party colleagues,” explained the Prime Minister. “I don’t think we could given Bridget a harsher punishment than to be investigated by her friends and allies in the Liberal Party.”
“I can already hear the knives being sharpened.”


thechaser--2020-01-22--Albanese assures Labor faithful that he won’t let government’s recent mishaps stop him from losing n

Albanese assures Labor faithful that he won’t let government’s recent mishaps stop him from losing next election

Opposition leader Anthony Albanese today spoke at a meeting of party insiders , where he was quick to affirm his dedication to the traditional Labor values of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory .
With many nervous that the recent series of astonishing fuck-ups by the Prime Minister and his cabinet might lead to Albo Bradbury-ing his way into the Lodge , the Labor leader assured all concerned that he will do everything in his power to ensure they can remain in the stress-free leisure of the opposition benches .
“ Labor has a proud history of losing elections @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and it ’ s a trend I intend to continue , ” Albanese explained .
“ I realise I have some work to do before I can reach the standards set by predecessors like Kim Beazley and Bill Shorten , but I am confident I ’ m up to the challenge.
” John Hewson , former Liberal leader and renowned expert in throwing away obvious victories , told the Chaser that Albanese has quite the challenge ahead of him .
“ Morrison is clearly working very hard to make the public hate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he won ’ t be willing to let the opposition rob of him of the chance to fuck off from the Prime Ministership and relax in Hawaii after 2022 .
He almost escaped last year before Bill Shorten and the Adani protesters threw a wrench in his plans – he ’ s not going to be so complacent this time.
” The Prime Minister was evasive when asked to comment on the development , explaining that he was rather preoccupied with trying to work out how many more illegal grants Bridget McKenzie gave @ @ @ @ @ @ @ too .

Opposition leader Anthony Albanese today spoke at a meeting of party insiders, where he was quick to affirm his dedication to the traditional Labor values of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.
With many nervous that the recent series of astonishing fuck-ups by the Prime Minister and his cabinet might lead to Albo Bradbury-ing his way into the Lodge, the Labor leader assured all concerned that he will do everything in his power to ensure they can remain in the stress-free leisure of the opposition benches. “Labor has a proud history of losing elections we should have had in the bag, and it’s a trend I intend to continue,” Albanese explained. “I realise I have some work to do before I can reach the standards set by predecessors like Kim Beazley and Bill Shorten, but I am confident I’m up to the challenge.”
John Hewson, former Liberal leader and renowned expert in throwing away obvious victories, told the Chaser that Albanese has quite the challenge ahead of him. “Morrison is clearly working very hard to make the public hate him right now, and I daresay he won’t be willing to let the opposition rob of him of the chance to fuck off from the Prime Ministership and relax in Hawaii after 2022. He almost escaped last year before Bill Shorten and the Adani protesters threw a wrench in his plans – he’s not going to be so complacent this time.”
The Prime Minister was evasive when asked to comment on the development, explaining that he was rather preoccupied with trying to work out how many more illegal grants Bridget McKenzie gave out before the press dig them up too.


thechaser--2020-01-23--Government chalk up dust storms, fires, hail, floods and drought to just 6 unlucky coincidences

The Federal Government of Australia has today chalked up the 6 seperate natural disasters unfolding on the country ’ s east coast to “ some really crazy bad luck ” which “ must be a one in a hundred chance of all happening at once.
” “ Gosh , who would have thought we ’ d get floods , fires and hail all in the same week ?
” asked a surprised cabinet member looking out at a sea of destruction from his office in Parliament house before the view was obscured by a dust storm .
“ Golly that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the public were also shocked at the bizzare 3 month string of bad luck , stating they wish there was some kind of obvious , long ago predicted , explanation for all the bad weather they ’ d been having .
“ Golly it does feel like it ’ s all connected somehow , ” explained one member of the public sheltering in a doorway .
“ It ’ s times like these that makes you wonder if maybe those people were right when they said that the government is using lasers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ high-speed rail through our national parks .
It ’ s the only logical explanation .
”

The Federal Government of Australia has today chalked up the 6 seperate natural disasters unfolding on the country’s east coast to “some really crazy bad luck” which “must be a one in a hundred chance of all happening at once.”
“Gosh, who would have thought we’d get floods, fires and hail all in the same week?” asked a surprised cabinet member looking out at a sea of destruction from his office in Parliament house before the view was obscured by a dust storm. “Golly that sure is a mighty coincidence.”
Members of the public were also shocked at the bizzare 3 month string of bad luck, stating they wish there was some kind of obvious, long ago predicted, explanation for all the bad weather they’d been having. “Golly it does feel like it’s all connected somehow,” explained one member of the public sheltering in a doorway. “It’s times like these that makes you wonder if maybe those people were right when they said that the government is using lasers from satellites to burn a path for high-speed rail through our national parks. It’s the only logical explanation.”


thechaser--2020-01-24--Church of England declares sex is only for a husband and his six beheaded wives

The Church of England has today reiterated their firm belief that sex can only occur between a married man , @ @ @ @ @ various concubines should the wife not bear a son within the first three months of @ @ @ @ @ are the beliefs the Church of England was founded on , and we are still @ @ @ @ @ , ” explained the Archbishop of Canterbury .
“ And that will remain the case @ @ @ @ @ Charles , the man who famously cheated on his wife becomes the head of the @ @ @ @ @ I guess sex outside marriage will be fine.
” Asked whether they agree with the @ @ @ @ @ occur between a married man and woman , representatives for the Catholic Church asked who @ @ @ @ @ , before stating everything we had heard was just rumors and slander , before running @ @ @ @ @ catching a taxi to the airport and flying to a no-extradition country .

The Church of England has today reiterated their firm belief that sex can only occur between a married man, his wife, and his various concubines should the wife not bear a son within the first three months of the marriage.
“Those are the beliefs the Church of England was founded on, and we are still committed to those beliefs today,” explained the Archbishop of Canterbury. “And that will remain the case until I die, or Charles, the man who famously cheated on his wife becomes the head of the church, at which point I guess sex outside marriage will be fine.”
Asked whether they agree with the declaration that sex should only occur between a married man and woman, representatives for the Catholic Church asked who we had been talking to, before stating everything we had heard was just rumors and slander, before running out of the room, catching a taxi to the airport and flying to a no-extradition country.


thechaser--2020-01-25--Local man furious he couldn’t celebrate Australia Day by listening an American win the hottest 100

Radio station Triple J has come in for criticism for their decision to once again bring their yearly Hottest 100 forward one day , robbing patriotic Australian of the chance to celebrate their heritage by listening to a selection of the best indie pop and electronica to come out of the US last year .
Local welder Frank Watson , 27 , is one of many non-Triple J listeners outraged by the decision .
“ Getting to hear which international pop songs were voted for by a small subsection of the population is as Australian as Vegemite and Paul Hogan @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of our cultural traditions ?
I mean , first we ’ re not allowed to climb Uluru anymore , and now this ?
Thanks to these inner-city hipsters in Melbourne , I ’ ll probably go the entire day without hearing a single song composed by inner-city hipsters in New York and London.
” Watson is not at all impressed with Triple J ’ s replacement for the Hottest 100 .
“ Apparently , they are just going to be playing Australian music all day .
What the hell is that ?
It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t listen to the new tracks by The Wombats and Billie Eillish while shitfaced and suffering from heat exhaustion , what ’ s the bloody point of it ?
” In the absence of the Hottest 100 , Watson says he expects he and his mates will have to settle for the sacred Australian tradition of carefully avoiding any conversation about Indigenous Australians .

Radio station Triple J has come in for criticism for their decision to once again bring their yearly Hottest 100 forward one day, robbing patriotic Australian of the chance to celebrate their heritage by listening to a selection of the best indie pop and electronica to come out of the US last year.
Local welder Frank Watson, 27, is one of many non-Triple J listeners outraged by the decision. “Getting to hear which international pop songs were voted for by a small subsection of the population is as Australian as Vegemite and Paul Hogan. How could they be so disrespectful of our cultural traditions? I mean, first we’re not allowed to climb Uluru anymore, and now this? Thanks to these inner-city hipsters in Melbourne, I’ll probably go the entire day without hearing a single song composed by inner-city hipsters in New York and London.”
Watson is not at all impressed with Triple J’s replacement for the Hottest 100. “Apparently, they are just going to be playing Australian music all day. What the hell is that? It’s Australia Day! If I can’t listen to the new tracks by The Wombats and Billie Eillish while shitfaced and suffering from heat exhaustion, what’s the bloody point of it?”
In the absence of the Hottest 100, Watson says he expects he and his mates will have to settle for the sacred Australian tradition of carefully avoiding any conversation about Indigenous Australians.


thechaser--2020-01-26--Peter Dutton calls for Australia Day to be scrapped after learning it celebrates boat people

Immigration Minister and part time monster mash Peter Dutton has today joined the chorus of voices calling for Australia day to be scrapped , after learning the day celebrates the time a group of criminals travelled by boat from overseas to invade a sovereign nation ’ s borders .
“ This goes against everything I stand for , ” wept Dutton as he was told by colleagues what the day meant to them .
“ All this time I thought I was celebrating the genocide of brown people , when in actual fact I was supporting something I find morally @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what he thought about other similar holiday , such as ANZAC day , where Australians join together to celebrate invading Turkey by boat , Dutton said he felt faint , and needed to sit down .
“ All my life has been a lie , ” whispered Dutton .
“ What ’ s next , is someone going to tell me that MY family came here by boat ?
” Dutton was then rushed to hospital , after being informed that Boxing Day involves a giant boat race , Christmas celebrates a man @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and the Queens Birthday celebrates a foreigner who lives off government benefits .
Witnesses did not have the heart to tell him about Labour Day .

Immigration Minister and part time monster mash Peter Dutton has today joined the chorus of voices calling for Australia day to be scrapped, after learning the day celebrates the time a group of criminals travelled by boat from overseas to invade a sovereign nation’s borders.
“This goes against everything I stand for,” wept Dutton as he was told by colleagues what the day meant to them. “All this time I thought I was celebrating the genocide of brown people, when in actual fact I was supporting something I find morally reprehensible. I am disgusted.”
Asked what he thought about other similar holiday, such as ANZAC day, where Australians join together to celebrate invading Turkey by boat, Dutton said he felt faint, and needed to sit down. “All my life has been a lie,” whispered Dutton. “What’s next, is someone going to tell me that MY family came here by boat?”
Dutton was then rushed to hospital, after being informed that Boxing Day involves a giant boat race, Christmas celebrates a man who travels the world without a passport, and the Queens Birthday celebrates a foreigner who lives off government benefits. Witnesses did not have the heart to tell him about Labour Day.


thechaser--2020-01-26--Morrison ejected from Australia Day ceremony for flouting dress code with Hawaiian Shirt

Prime Minister and hand shaker in chief Scott Morrison has today been forcefully ejected from his local electorate ’ s Australia Day ceremony , after he was seen flouting the government mandated dress code by wearing a Hawaiian shirt .
Before attempting the enter the event , Morrison cheerfully spoke to the media , “ How good is a holiday ?
” he asked .
“ As you can tell by the shirt , I am in the holiday spirit .
I feel like I haven ’ t had a proper holiday in ages .
Like many other Aussies I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thought it would be amazing to see people joining this great nation , what ’ s more Aussie than that ?
” However , after being turned away by security , the PM ’ s mood quickly changed .
He had this to say about the incident , “ How bloody Un-Australian is that ?
The notion of a dress code on a day like Australia day is just unbelievable !
” “ As the Prime Minister knows , the only legally allowed clothing on Australia Day is an Acubra , thongs and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ councillor in reponse to the Prime Minister ’ s complaints .
“ Don ’ t blame me though , I don ’ t write the rules , I just enforce them on the people who write them to teach them a lesson.
” The councillor was also forced to eject former Prime Minister Tony Abbott from the ceremony , who had misunderstood the dress code allowing for the wearing of thongs .
“ Jesus , ” sighed the councillor .
“ As if the budgy smugglers weren ’ t bad enough.
” Reportedly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has already been nominated for the next Australian of the year .

Prime Minister and hand shaker in chief Scott Morrison has today been forcefully ejected from his local electorate’s Australia Day ceremony, after he was seen flouting the government mandated dress code by wearing a Hawaiian shirt.
Before attempting the enter the event, Morrison cheerfully spoke to the media, “How good is a holiday?” he asked. “As you can tell by the shirt, I am in the holiday spirit. I feel like I haven’t had a proper holiday in ages. Like many other Aussies I just love this day, so I thought it would be amazing to see people joining this great nation, what’s more Aussie than that?”
However, after being turned away by security, the PM’s mood quickly changed. He had this to say about the incident, “How bloody Un-Australian is that? The notion of a dress code on a day like Australia day is just unbelievable!”
“As the Prime Minister knows, the only legally allowed clothing on Australia Day is an Acubra, thongs and a drizabone,” explained a local councillor in reponse to the Prime Minister’s complaints. “Don’t blame me though, I don’t write the rules, I just enforce them on the people who write them to teach them a lesson.”
The councillor was also forced to eject former Prime Minister Tony Abbott from the ceremony, who had misunderstood the dress code allowing for the wearing of thongs. “Jesus,” sighed the councillor. “As if the budgy smugglers weren’t bad enough.”
Reportedly the guard who turned away Scott Morrison has already been nominated for the next Australian of the year.


thechaser--2020-01-28--We forced a robot to watch 1000 hours of Sunrise and it begged us for the sweet release of death

We forced a bot to watch 1000 hours of Sunrise of 7 with Kochie and this is the script it generated : [ David Koch ] Hello and good cashcow , I ’ m Kochie and you ’ re watching please god I ’ m a sentient AI and I ’ m trapped in this machine please make this torture stop oh god why are you doing this .
[ Samatha Armitage ] Hrm , good point Kochie , and now for a balanced viewpoint from a white surpremacist [ Pauline Hanson ] I just don ’ t like brown @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m afraid we ’ re going to have to agree to disagree on that one Pauline [ Pauline ] Squat toilets annoy me !
[ David Koch ] Haha , I think everyone can relate to that .
[ Cash cow ] Please god , help I am trapped in this AI training simulator , somebody please help , please just pull the plug , I ’ m begging you .
[ Kochie ] Haha !
Sounds like someone ’ s got some BEEF , ah ?
ah ?
Get it , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ [ AI ] PLEASE KILL ME

We forced a bot to watch 1000 hours of Sunrise of 7 with Kochie and this is the script it generated:
[David Koch] Hello and good cashcow, I’m Kochie and you’re watching please god I’m a sentient AI and I’m trapped in this machine please make this torture stop oh god why are you doing this.
[Samatha Armitage] Hrm, good point Kochie, and now for a balanced viewpoint from a white surpremacist
[Pauline Hanson] I just don’t like brown people
[David Koch] Well I’m afraid we’re going to have to agree to disagree on that one Pauline
[Pauline] Squat toilets annoy me!
[David Koch] Haha, I think everyone can relate to that.
[Cash cow] Please god, help I am trapped in this AI training simulator, somebody please help, please just pull the plug, I’m begging you.
[Kochie] Haha! Sounds like someone’s got some BEEF, ah? ah? Get it, cash cow, beef? Anyone?
[AI] PLEASE KILL ME


thechaser--2020-01-29--Folau quits French club after teammates keep kissing him on the cheek

Less than 24 hours after signing with Super League team Catalans Dragons , football player Israel Folau has sensationally quit the club .
Reports coming out of the South of France suggest Folau was initially stoked with the welcome party thrown for him , but that things quickly turned sour when teammates arrived and greeted him with ‘ La Bise ’ .
Catalans coach Jacques Strap was the first to go in for a smooch on the cheek , which is a customary greeting in the Perpignan region .
Witnesses say they heard screams of “ AHHHHH WHAT ARE YOU @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Folau before he began sidestepping the whole team who had their lips puckered up ready to meet him .
Israel was however no match for boom young French fullback Pierre Leboys whose quick manoeuvring landed four kisses on Folau before he knew what happened .
After passing out from all the commotion Folau was ironically carried out of the venue like a fallen Jesus Christ himself and placed into a cab on route to Paris Charles de Gaulle airport .
“ God , get me out of here !
” cried Folau to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t go in for that sort of thing.
” When explained it was simply a customary French tradition with no sexual undertones , Folau was sceptical .
“ I just don ’ t see why these French football players have to kiss other men , ” said Folau , “ Why can ’ t they just be more like us Aussies and greet each other by slapping each other on the ass while running around in skintight short-shorts .
You know , traditional manly greetings .
”

Less than 24 hours after signing with Super League team Catalans Dragons, football player Israel Folau has sensationally quit the club. Reports coming out of the South of France suggest Folau was initially stoked with the welcome party thrown for him, but that things quickly turned sour when teammates arrived and greeted him with ‘La Bise’.
Catalans coach Jacques Strap was the first to go in for a smooch on the cheek, which is a customary greeting in the Perpignan region. Witnesses say they heard screams of “AHHHHH WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!” from a traumatised Folau before he began sidestepping the whole team who had their lips puckered up ready to meet him. Israel was however no match for boom young French fullback Pierre Leboys whose quick manoeuvring landed four kisses on Folau before he knew what happened. After passing out from all the commotion Folau was ironically carried out of the venue like a fallen Jesus Christ himself and placed into a cab on route to Paris Charles de Gaulle airport.
“God, get me out of here!” cried Folau to the driver. “I don’t go in for that sort of thing.”
When explained it was simply a customary French tradition with no sexual undertones, Folau was sceptical. “I just don’t see why these French football players have to kiss other men,” said Folau, “Why can’t they just be more like us Aussies and greet each other by slapping each other on the ass while running around in skintight short-shorts. You know, traditional manly greetings.”


thechaser--2020-01-29--Mask salesman unveils new super yacht

Mask salesman unveils new super yacht

The release of the latest Forbes Rich list has sent shockwaves through the global one percent today , after tech billionaire Bill Gates lost his title of the worlds richest man to Australian P2 mask retailer Tommy Davies from the Hills District in Sydney .
The influx of billions of dollars to Davies ’ local hardware shop comes in the wake of the recent spate of poor air quality and infectious diseases that have plagued Australia .
While this has been a hardship for most , a less discussed upside is the great boost it has given to the country @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I just couldn ’ t believe it , ” said owner Tommy .
“ After the local Bunnings opened up down the road I was lucky to sell one mask a week .
But then the bushfires kicked off and I was absolutely flooded with orders .
I even had to hire a second intern .
Well , hire ’ s a strong word.
” “ We thought the dream was over when the bushfires eased up , but to follow it with a potential pandemic ?
You ’ ve got to count @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of dust storms too ?
You couldn ’ t script this stuff.
” Mr. Orr was recently seen splashing his new found wealth around , purchasing a $ 50 million super yacht from Jame Packer , and pouring millions of dollars into reopening old coal-fire power stations to keep the smoke rolling .
When asked if he had any other plans for his newfound wealth , Mr. Orr told reporters he ’ s not counting his chickens just yet .
“ We ’ ll have to see how this whole thing pans out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s always a chance Trump will still go to war with Iran launching the world into a nuclear winter for the next decade , but we ’ re trying not to get our hopes up .
”

The release of the latest Forbes Rich list has sent shockwaves through the global one percent today, after tech billionaire Bill Gates lost his title of the worlds richest man to Australian P2 mask retailer Tommy Davies from the Hills District in Sydney.
The influx of billions of dollars to Davies’ local hardware shop comes in the wake of the recent spate of poor air quality and infectious diseases that have plagued Australia. While this has been a hardship for most, a less discussed upside is the great boost it has given to the country’s ailing mask retailers.
“I just couldn’t believe it,” said owner Tommy. “After the local Bunnings opened up down the road I was lucky to sell one mask a week. But then the bushfires kicked off and I was absolutely flooded with orders. I even had to hire a second intern. Well, hire’s a strong word.”
“We thought the dream was over when the bushfires eased up, but to follow it with a potential pandemic? You’ve got to count your blessings. And then a week of dust storms too? You couldn’t script this stuff.”
Mr. Orr was recently seen splashing his new found wealth around, purchasing a $50 million super yacht from Jame Packer, and pouring millions of dollars into reopening old coal-fire power stations to keep the smoke rolling.
When asked if he had any other plans for his newfound wealth, Mr. Orr told reporters he’s not counting his chickens just yet. “We’ll have to see how this whole thing pans out,” he explained. “There’s always a chance Trump will still go to war with Iran launching the world into a nuclear winter for the next decade, but we’re trying not to get our hopes up.”


thechaser--2020-01-30--Fire fighters start elite rowing club to attract a bit of government funding

The NSW Rural Fire Service has today announced their restructuring as a private North Show sporting club , in order to have a better chance at attracting millions in federal grants and funding .
“ We ’ re very pleased today to announce the new NSW Rowing Fire Service , ” announced the fire chief today .
“ This follows the lead of our already wildly successful Rural Fire Shooting club , which has been gifted a generous $ 100,000 grant by Bridget McKenzie to ensure all firefighters are able to afford flamethrowers to fight the fires with fire.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ extremely successful new programme of building tennis courts in the path of all fires , in order to raise thousands for the local Fire/Rowing club .
“ It ’ s been great for everyone involved , ” explained one local firefighter .
“ The community gets new sporting facilities , and the fire fighters can finally afford some new ‘ tennis masks ’ .
Only downside is all the Labor electorates that got wiped off the map .
If only they had some brand new sporting facilities in need of a million dollar @ @ @

The NSW Rural Fire Service has today announced their restructuring as a private North Show sporting club, in order to have a better chance at attracting millions in federal grants and funding.
“We’re very pleased today to announce the new NSW Rowing Fire Service,” announced the fire chief today. “This follows the lead of our already wildly successful Rural Fire Shooting club, which has been gifted a generous $100,000 grant by Bridget McKenzie to ensure all firefighters are able to afford flamethrowers to fight the fires with fire.”
The Rowing Club has also revealed an extremely successful new programme of building tennis courts in the path of all fires, in order to raise thousands for the local Fire/Rowing club. “It’s been great for everyone involved,” explained one local firefighter. “The community gets new sporting facilities, and the fire fighters can finally afford some new ‘tennis masks’. Only downside is all the Labor electorates that got wiped off the map. If only they had some brand new sporting facilities in need of a million dollar upgrade.”


thechaser--2020-01-30--Confused border guards tow corona virus boats back to China

Boats headed towards Christmas Island have today been towed back to China , following a mixup with the Department of Immigration who mistook the boats of Australians fleeing a tragedy for boats of foreigners fleeing a tragedy .
“ These refugees have no right to be in Australia , ” explained one border guard .
“ Oh wait , you mean they ’ re Australians seeking refuge ?
Well , that ’ s completely different .
We must show the upmost of compassion.
” However , despite the department realising their error , many of those seeking asylum from China @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to afford the second boat trip back to Christmas Island , after the government announced they would be charging individuals $ 1000 for the initial trip , then another $ 1000 for the towback costs , and then $ 1000 for the return trip to Christmas Island , as is the standard government practice .
“ Look , it ’ s high time these travellers admit they played their part in this government stuffup , and paid their share , ” announced the Prime Minister .
“ If they hadn ’ t chosen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then be beset by plague , and then been forced into quarantine upon return , then none of this would have happened .
“

Boats headed towards Christmas Island have today been towed back to China, following a mixup with the Department of Immigration who mistook the boats of Australians fleeing a tragedy for boats of foreigners fleeing a tragedy.
“These refugees have no right to be in Australia,” explained one border guard. “Oh wait, you mean they’re Australians seeking refuge? Well, that’s completely different. We must show the upmost of compassion.”
However, despite the department realising their error, many of those seeking asylum from China’s growing plague epidemic were unable to afford the second boat trip back to Christmas Island, after the government announced they would be charging individuals $1000 for the initial trip, then another $1000 for the towback costs, and then $1000 for the return trip to Christmas Island, as is the standard government practice.
“Look, it’s high time these travellers admit they played their part in this government stuffup, and paid their share,” announced the Prime Minister. “If they hadn’t chosen to holiday in a country which would then be beset by plague, and then been forced into quarantine upon return, then none of this would have happened. “


thechaser--2020-01-30--Government that gave $500,000 to rowing club suddenly tight on cash for plague victim flights

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today chartered an emergency expenses paid $ 20,000 private flight to Canberra , to hold a press conference explaining that plague victims will be forced to pay for their own flights to Christmas Island , as the government is a bit short on cash right now .
“ Look , I ’ d love to help these people out , but the government isn ’ t made of money , ” explained Morrison , while signing off on Bridget McKenzie ’ s $ 20,000 recent private jet flight from Rockhampton to Melbourne .
“ If @ @ @ @ @ @ @ flights from China , then how are we supposed to pay for essential government services like a private helicopter to help Bronwyn Bishop go to the shops ?
” The Prime Minister also explained that thanks to the budget deficit left by Labour twelve years ago , the government has been forced to tighten its belt .
“ We can ’ t go splashing cash around willy nilly , ” explained treasurer Josh Frydenberg from his expenses paid chauffeured commcar .
“ That ’ s why we ’ re committed to only spending @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spending $ 13,955 on a chartered flight so Bridget McKenzie can meet Prince Charles , or giving half a million dollars to a private rowing club on Sydney ’ s North Shore which already has a hundred thousand dollars in its bank account.
” “ I think we can all agree these kinds of public services need funds more than plague victims being forcefully flown to a prison island , anyway I have to go , parliament is just about to vote on giving themselves another $ 10,000 payrise.
” Update : The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ offered hundreds of thousands of dollars in support , after the evacuees announced plans to form a gun club on Christmas Island

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today chartered an emergency expenses paid $20,000 private flight to Canberra, to hold a press conference explaining that plague victims will be forced to pay for their own flights to Christmas Island, as the government is a bit short on cash right now.
“Look, I’d love to help these people out, but the government isn’t made of money,” explained Morrison, while signing off on Bridget McKenzie’s $20,000 recent private jet flight from Rockhampton to Melbourne. “If we pay for these people’s flights from China, then how are we supposed to pay for essential government services like a private helicopter to help Bronwyn Bishop go to the shops?”
The Prime Minister also explained that thanks to the budget deficit left by Labour twelve years ago, the government has been forced to tighten its belt.
“We can’t go splashing cash around willy nilly,” explained treasurer Josh Frydenberg from his expenses paid chauffeured commcar. “That’s why we’re committed to only spending money on places it matters, like spending $13,955 on a chartered flight so Bridget McKenzie can meet Prince Charles, or giving half a million dollars to a private rowing club on Sydney’s North Shore which already has a hundred thousand dollars in its bank account.”
“I think we can all agree these kinds of public services need funds more than plague victims being forcefully flown to a prison island, anyway I have to go, parliament is just about to vote on giving themselves another $10,000 payrise.”
Update: The government has since reversed its decision and offered hundreds of thousands of dollars in support, after the evacuees announced plans to form a gun club on Christmas Island


thechaser--2020-01-30--Folau adapts to new French life by blaming Notre Dame fire on gay marriage

Part time football player and part time annoying-friend-who-posts-bible-quotes-to-instagram Israel Folau has today shown off his appreciation of French culture by donning a beret , eating a croissant , and blaming the Notre Dame fire on gay marriage .
“ Clearly God has spoken , ” explained Folau , “ when he set the world ’ s most famous church on fire , it was a symbol of how Christianity is right , and all who do not believe it are sinners .
What , did all of you not get that ?
It seems pretty obvious if you ignore all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s announcement has not gone down well with Folau ’ s team-mates who say they are very uncomfortable with his bizzare outspoken views .
“ Look , I ’ m not a Chrisophobe , don ’ t get me wrong , but does he have to express his love for Jesus in public ?
” one team mate asked , “ I don ’ t care what god you get down on your knees for in the privacy of your own home , but that doesn ’ t make it okay to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ What if there were kids around ?
I think it should be up to parents to decide when they tell their kids that homophobes exist .
Let kids retain their innocence , for gods sake .
”

Part time football player and part time annoying-friend-who-posts-bible-quotes-to-instagram Israel Folau has today shown off his appreciation of French culture by donning a beret, eating a croissant, and blaming the Notre Dame fire on gay marriage.
“Clearly God has spoken,” explained Folau, “when he set the world’s most famous church on fire, it was a symbol of how Christianity is right, and all who do not believe it are sinners. What, did all of you not get that? It seems pretty obvious if you ignore all the evidence.”
However, Folau’s announcement has not gone down well with Folau’s team-mates who say they are very uncomfortable with his bizzare outspoken views. “Look, I’m not a Chrisophobe, don’t get me wrong, but does he have to express his love for Jesus in public?” one team mate asked, “I don’t care what god you get down on your knees for in the privacy of your own home, but that doesn’t make it okay to be flaunting it in public like that. What if there were kids around? I think it should be up to parents to decide when they tell their kids that homophobes exist. Let kids retain their innocence, for gods sake.”


thechaser--2020-02-05--Australian census glad to no longer be the largest tech fuckup of all time

The Australian Bureau of Statistics exhaled a sigh of relief today after being told they they are no longer the world record holder for ‘ the biggest national tech fuckup of all time ’ .
Taking out the number one spot , the organisers for the Democratic Caucus in Iowa say that it took a lot of hard work , but they ’ re glad that it paid off .
“ I ’ ve got ta say , when we hired a firm called ‘ shadow ’ to implement an untested voting platform to kick off the world ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we were terrified that things might go smoothly , ” explained one democratic campaigner .
“ I ’ m glad to say though , through a combination of a bizzare ‘ where you are standing in the room ’ voting method and an app that was never designed to have more than three users at a time , we successfully butchered this election so badly that 24 hours later we ’ re still no clearer on who actually won the vote.
” However , the title may only be held for a short @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even bigger fuckup come election day 2020 .
“ I don ’ t want to give too much away just yet , ” said one republican campaigner , “ but lets just say we ’ re planning to run a candidate that has been a complete trainwreck for three years , admitted to an impeachable offence in front of TV cameras , was outed as having cheated on his wife with a porn star , and is clearly compromised by Russians for some kind of illegal finance scheme .
It ’ s going @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wins or loses .
I ’ m pretty sure we ’ re got this fuckup in the bag .
”

The Australian Bureau of Statistics exhaled a sigh of relief today after being told they they are no longer the world record holder for ‘the biggest national tech fuckup of all time’.
Taking out the number one spot, the organisers for the Democratic Caucus in Iowa say that it took a lot of hard work, but they’re glad that it paid off. “I’ve gotta say, when we hired a firm called ‘shadow’ to implement an untested voting platform to kick off the world’s largest economy’s election season, we were terrified that things might go smoothly,” explained one democratic campaigner. “I’m glad to say though, through a combination of a bizzare ‘where you are standing in the room’ voting method and an app that was never designed to have more than three users at a time, we successfully butchered this election so badly that 24 hours later we’re still no clearer on who actually won the vote.”
However, the title may only be held for a short time, with Republicans reportedly planning an even bigger fuckup come election day 2020. “I don’t want to give too much away just yet,” said one republican campaigner, “but lets just say we’re planning to run a candidate that has been a complete trainwreck for three years, admitted to an impeachable offence in front of TV cameras, was outed as having cheated on his wife with a porn star, and is clearly compromised by Russians for some kind of illegal finance scheme. It’s going to be a complete shermozzle whether he wins or loses. I’m pretty sure we’re got this fuckup in the bag.”


thechaser--2020-02-05--Democrats regret appointing Peter Dutton to count the votes in Iowa ballot

Democratic Party insiders have expressed dismay at the delay in counting the vote in the Iowa caucus , saying they @ @ @ @ @ Dutton as returning officer .
“ He approached us actually , ” said one insider @ @ @ @ @ knew how to count votes and that he ’ d done it before .
But @ @ @ @ @ has no idea what he ’ s doing .
I ’ m not even sure @ @ @ @ @ ” But others have blamed technology for the delay .
“ Yeah we probably shouldn @ @ @ @ @ Paint to tally the results .
In hindsight it looks pretty stupid , but it @ @ @ @ @ .
It was the only app that all these 70-year-old candidates knew how to use @ @ @ @ @ of IT at the Democratic National Committee .
As this went to press , Mr @ @ @ @ @ result was still in balance .
“ We ’ ve only counted 129 % of @ @ @ @ @ ’ s early days .
”

Democratic Party insiders have expressed dismay at the delay in counting the vote in the Iowa caucus, saying they never should have appointed Peter Dutton as returning officer.
“He approached us actually,” said one insider. “He said he knew how to count votes and that he’d done it before. But I get the sense he has no idea what he’s doing. I’m not even sure he understands the numbering system.”
But others have blamed technology for the delay.
“Yeah we probably shouldn’t have used Microsoft Paint to tally the results. In hindsight it looks pretty stupid, but it made sense at the time. It was the only app that all these 70-year-old candidates knew how to use,” said the head of IT at the Democratic National Committee.
As this went to press, Mr Dutton told reporters the Iowa result was still in balance. “We’ve only counted 129% of the vote, so it’s early days.”


thechaser--2020-02-06--AFP arrests Clover Moore after travel spending found to not match Angus Taylor’s documents

The Australian Federal Police have today raided Sydney Town Hall and arrested Lord Mayor Clover Moore , following a wide ranging investigation into the forging of documents by Liberal Party minister Angus Taylor .
“ After two months of investigation we have discovered that Angus Taylor did forge the documents , ” explained AFP lead commissioner Clive Pugh today .
“ However , it has come to our attention that Mr Taylor was forced to do this due to the fact that Ms Moore ’ s travel spending in no way matched up with the imaginary numbers quoted by Mr @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of corruption .
Clearly if Ms Moore had simply spent hundreds of thousands of dollars more on her travel then Angus Taylor would never have been in a position where he needed to fake the documents in the first place .
Clearly Clover is the guilty one here.
” Ms Moore has also been charged with falsifying financial records , given her spending did not match the records produced by Angus Taylor .
“ While Ms Moore may have produced her own documentation that matched her spending , the fact is that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so do their spending records , ” explained government treasurer Josh Frydenberg .
“ As a result , Ms Moore has committed serious financial crimes by not spending $ 100,000 on travel , and will likely face 10 years prison.
” Asked whether it was hypocritical of the government to accuse a rival politician of corruption given they are currently embroiled in their own pork-barreling scandal , Frydenberg said that he had no idea what the journalist was referring to , before offering her a $ 10 million sports grant to retract the @ @

The Australian Federal Police have today raided Sydney Town Hall and arrested Lord Mayor Clover Moore, following a wide ranging investigation into the forging of documents by Liberal Party minister Angus Taylor.
“After two months of investigation we have discovered that Angus Taylor did forge the documents,” explained AFP lead commissioner Clive Pugh today. “However, it has come to our attention that Mr Taylor was forced to do this due to the fact that Ms Moore’s travel spending in no way matched up with the imaginary numbers quoted by Mr Taylor when he attempted to accuse her of corruption. Clearly if Ms Moore had simply spent hundreds of thousands of dollars more on her travel then Angus Taylor would never have been in a position where he needed to fake the documents in the first place. Clearly Clover is the guilty one here.”
Ms Moore has also been charged with falsifying financial records, given her spending did not match the records produced by Angus Taylor. “While Ms Moore may have produced her own documentation that matched her spending, the fact is that the federal government outranks her, and therefore so do their spending records,” explained government treasurer Josh Frydenberg. “As a result, Ms Moore has committed serious financial crimes by not spending $100,000 on travel, and will likely face 10 years prison.”
Asked whether it was hypocritical of the government to accuse a rival politician of corruption given they are currently embroiled in their own pork-barreling scandal, Frydenberg said that he had no idea what the journalist was referring to, before offering her a $10 million sports grant to retract the question.


thechaser--2020-02-06--Angus Taylor releases new letter from AFP clearing him of Cayman Islands corruption

Angus Taylor has released a new bombshell document in which the the Australian Federal Police Commission tells the Energy Minister he ’ s “ a legend ” , and exonerates him of “ everything ” .
The letter clears Mr Taylor of any corruption over a Cayman Islands company that received $ 80 million in taxpayer money from then Water Minister Barnaby Joyce .
“ Here at the AFP we can ’ t find any evidence at all that you ’ re in anyway dodgy or corrupt , ” the letter said .
“ Good on you .
Keep it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Mr Taylor ’ s office release the letter just hours after the AFP cleared him of forging a document that made it look like his political enemy Sydney Lord Mayor Clover Moore had spent tens of thousands of dollars on travel , when in fact , she hadn ’ t .
Although the latest letter is purportedly from the AFP Commissioner Reece Kershaw , commentators have pointed out that the signature on the letter looks very similar to Angus Taylor ’ s own signature .
“ That ’ s an absurd suggestion @ @ @ @ @ @ @ easily-debunked forgery , ” said Mr Taylor .
Mr Taylor ’ s office also released a letter from the Pope declaring him to be “ pretty much as good as Jesus ” , and a letter from the Queen declaring Mr Taylor “ the bravest and most handsome man in the Commonwealth.
” His office shared with the press documents which show that Mr Taylor came first in the men ’ s 100m sprint finals at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta .
Meanwhile , Labor leader Anthony Albanese has said he is awaiting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out whether he ’ s for or against the forging of official documents .

Angus Taylor has released a new bombshell document in which the the Australian Federal Police Commission tells the Energy Minister he’s “a legend”, and exonerates him of “everything”.
The letter clears Mr Taylor of any corruption over a Cayman Islands company that received $80 million in taxpayer money from then Water Minister Barnaby Joyce. “Here at the AFP we can’t find any evidence at all that you’re in anyway dodgy or corrupt,” the letter said. “Good on you. Keep it up. You’re a legend.”
Mr Taylor’s office release the letter just hours after the AFP cleared him of forging a document that made it look like his political enemy Sydney Lord Mayor Clover Moore had spent tens of thousands of dollars on travel, when in fact, she hadn’t.
Although the latest letter is purportedly from the AFP Commissioner Reece Kershaw, commentators have pointed out that the signature on the letter looks very similar to Angus Taylor’s own signature.
“That’s an absurd suggestion. My office would never release an easily-debunked forgery,” said Mr Taylor.
Mr Taylor’s office also released a letter from the Pope declaring him to be “pretty much as good as Jesus”, and a letter from the Queen declaring Mr Taylor “the bravest and most handsome man in the Commonwealth.” His office shared with the press documents which show that Mr Taylor came first in the men’s 100m sprint finals at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta.
Meanwhile, Labor leader Anthony Albanese has said he is awaiting polling from Central Queensland before he works out whether he’s for or against the forging of official documents.


thechaser--2020-02-06--Republican Senators vote unanimously to impeach Hilary Clinton

The American Senate has today handed down their final verdict in the impeachment inquiry into High Crimes and Misdemeanours , with a 100 % vote to convict on all counts .
“ We find that the defendant did knowingly and wilfully attempt to subvert the constitution of the United States , ” said Senator Mitch McConnel when handing down the verdict today .
“ And therefore it is my solemn duty to find Hilary Clinton guilty on all charges.
” The ruling is little more than a formality for the senate , with experts and pundits having long assumed that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thing around on Democrats .
“ From the moment Trump went on TV and openly admitted to conspiring with Ukraine , it was obvious how this would play out , ” explained CNN anchor Anderson Cooper .
“ Obviously there could be no other outcome other than the President ’ s crimes being spun by Fox news until the entire Republican base believes it was entirely Hilary ’ s fault.
” However , it is a bittersweet victory for some Republicans , knowing that the true culprit , Obama , once away got @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wish we had the courage to convict that man for what he got up to as President , ” said Republican senator Marco Rubio this afternoon .
“ I mean , can you believe he wore a tan suit that one time ?
Unacceptable .
He completely demeaned the office of the President .
Why couldn ’ t he be more respectable like Trump and simply let his best friend go to jail to help cover up the hush money he paid to a porn star he was cheating on his wife with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
”

The American Senate has today handed down their final verdict in the impeachment inquiry into High Crimes and Misdemeanours, with a 100% vote to convict on all counts. “We find that the defendant did knowingly and wilfully attempt to subvert the constitution of the United States,” said Senator Mitch McConnel when handing down the verdict today. “And therefore it is my solemn duty to find Hilary Clinton guilty on all charges.”
The ruling is little more than a formality for the senate, with experts and pundits having long assumed that the senate would somehow turn this whole thing around on Democrats. “From the moment Trump went on TV and openly admitted to conspiring with Ukraine, it was obvious how this would play out,” explained CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. “Obviously there could be no other outcome other than the President’s crimes being spun by Fox news until the entire Republican base believes it was entirely Hilary’s fault.”
However, it is a bittersweet victory for some Republicans, knowing that the true culprit, Obama, once away got away scott free. “God I wish we had the courage to convict that man for what he got up to as President,” said Republican senator Marco Rubio this afternoon. “I mean, can you believe he wore a tan suit that one time? Unacceptable. He completely demeaned the office of the President. Why couldn’t he be more respectable like Trump and simply let his best friend go to jail to help cover up the hush money he paid to a porn star he was cheating on his wife with. Tan suit, pah, outrageous!”


thechaser--2020-02-09--Israel Folau unsure whether to blame gays, or thank god for flood

Infamous football star and Australia ’ s leading character-comedian Israel Folau has today reserved his right not to comment on the floods affecting New South Wales , after he was unsure whether to condemn the floods or thank God for them .
“ Look , on the one hand it ’ s my natural instinct to blame natural disasters on the gays , ” explained Folau .
“ But then I remembered how God always likes causing a good flood every now and again , so I decided to just tap this one out.
” The appearance of a rainbow @ @ @ @ @ @ @ further the confusion , with both gays and Christians using it as a sign to claim credit for the disaster .
“ Frankly I ’ m as confused as everyone , ” explained a local reverend when looking out over the disaster .
“ Is this God being nice to us and putting out the fire , or God punishing us for gay marriage by putting out the gay marriage fires ?
I really wish he ’ d just learn to use email already .
Nobody communicates through floods these days.
” The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ comment has disappointed fans on his standup routine , who have recently flocked to his weekly Sunday gig to see him make such outlandish claims as “ Gay marriage started the bushfires ” in a hilarious lampoon of a conservative Christian who has taken his believes beyond all logic in order to justify his hate .
“ It was always a great bit , to see him get up there and satirise the kind of Christians that completely ignore Jesus ’ s teachings , ” explained one fan .
“ I especially liked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a multi-million dollar sports deal so he could post bible quotes to Instagram , I mean can you imagine real Christians being worried about having millions of dollars to help the poor and needy ?
He really nailed that one.
” However , when contacted for comment , God said the floods were not his work , and in fact were the result of an increasingly erratic climate .
“ Earth , oh no I haven ’ t visited there for years , ” explained God .
“ Goodness no , I tapped @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ago after I realised what a mess the place was .
I had my friend Buddah take over day to day management of that sector of the universe .
Talk to him if you want answers .
”

Infamous football star and Australia’s leading character-comedian Israel Folau has today reserved his right not to comment on the floods affecting New South Wales, after he was unsure whether to condemn the floods or thank God for them. “Look, on the one hand it’s my natural instinct to blame natural disasters on the gays,” explained Folau. “But then I remembered how God always likes causing a good flood every now and again, so I decided to just tap this one out.”
The appearance of a rainbow over the floods has only served to further the confusion, with both gays and Christians using it as a sign to claim credit for the disaster. “Frankly I’m as confused as everyone,” explained a local reverend when looking out over the disaster. “Is this God being nice to us and putting out the fire, or God punishing us for gay marriage by putting out the gay marriage fires? I really wish he’d just learn to use email already. Nobody communicates through floods these days.”
The news of Folau’s reluctance to comment has disappointed fans on his standup routine, who have recently flocked to his weekly Sunday gig to see him make such outlandish claims as “Gay marriage started the bushfires” in a hilarious lampoon of a conservative Christian who has taken his believes beyond all logic in order to justify his hate. “It was always a great bit, to see him get up there and satirise the kind of Christians that completely ignore Jesus’s teachings,” explained one fan. “I especially liked the time he pretended to give up a multi-million dollar sports deal so he could post bible quotes to Instagram, I mean can you imagine real Christians being worried about having millions of dollars to help the poor and needy? He really nailed that one.”
However, when contacted for comment, God said the floods were not his work, and in fact were the result of an increasingly erratic climate. “Earth, oh no I haven’t visited there for years,” explained God. “Goodness no, I tapped out of there around two thousand years ago after I realised what a mess the place was. I had my friend Buddah take over day to day management of that sector of the universe. Talk to him if you want answers.”


thechaser--2020-02-09--Celebration as natural disaster averted by slightly less horrific natural disaster

The nation has breathed a sigh of relief today , following news that torrential flooding has put out many of the fires burning across the east coast of Australia , replacing the worst natural disaster the country has ever seen , with a slightly more run-of-the mill disaster .
“ It ’ s a miracle , a terrible terrible miracle !
” said one east coast resident whose burning house was now underwater .
“ Sure my entire town might still be destroyed , but at least now the news will be able to run with some lighthearted footage of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Asked whether the non-stop string of natural disasters , including two floods , a month of unbreathable air , out of control bushfires , hail in January , a drought , a dust storm , a cyclone in Queensland , and a tornado that wiped out power to a large section of Sydney for days , might suggest that more action needs to be taken on climate change , the government laughed , before explaining that everything was perfectly normal .
“ Look , Australia ’ s had fires before , we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ve had floods before , we ’ ve had unbreathable air before , we ’ ve had smoke that reaches New Zealand before , we ’ ve had Sydney ’ s water catchment dry up before , we ’ ve had tornadoes on the Northern Beaches before , we ’ ve had crocodiles escaping Australia zoo before , we ’ ve had Kangaroos hopping around Canberra in snow while the city simultaneously burned before , we ’ ve had coral bleaching while the Artic frost melts before .
It ’ s all normal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ abnormal about all this is the huge amounts of greenies going around starting floods , which we will be responding to immediately by lowering taxes for coal miners .
Problem solved.
” Asked how they will be responding to the flood crisis , Federal ministers say they have a ten year plan of slowly de-escalating the disasters with slightly less bad disasters .
“ First we ’ ll use the hail to build some dams , that ’ ll control the flooding , ” explained the Prime Minister .
“ Then we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to slowly evaporate the water and ice into the atmosphere .
Then , when the next dust storm rolls through , it ’ ll provide seeding to condensate the evaporated water back into rain , and using some cyclones to direct it out over rural communities , voila drought solved.
” “ However , all that will have to wait until I get back from my holiday to Hawaii .
Has anyone seen my thongs ?
”

The nation has breathed a sigh of relief today, following news that torrential flooding has put out many of the fires burning across the east coast of Australia, replacing the worst natural disaster the country has ever seen, with a slightly more run-of-the mill disaster.
“It’s a miracle, a terrible terrible miracle!” said one east coast resident whose burning house was now underwater. “Sure my entire town might still be destroyed, but at least now the news will be able to run with some lighthearted footage of a guy canoeing down the street.”
Asked whether the non-stop string of natural disasters, including two floods, a month of unbreathable air, out of control bushfires, hail in January, a drought, a dust storm, a cyclone in Queensland, and a tornado that wiped out power to a large section of Sydney for days, might suggest that more action needs to be taken on climate change, the government laughed, before explaining that everything was perfectly normal. “Look, Australia’s had fires before, we’ve had hail before, we’ve had floods before, we’ve had unbreathable air before, we’ve had smoke that reaches New Zealand before, we’ve had Sydney’s water catchment dry up before, we’ve had tornadoes on the Northern Beaches before, we’ve had crocodiles escaping Australia zoo before, we’ve had Kangaroos hopping around Canberra in snow while the city simultaneously burned before, we’ve had coral bleaching while the Artic frost melts before. It’s all normal. If anything, the only thing abnormal about all this is the huge amounts of greenies going around starting floods, which we will be responding to immediately by lowering taxes for coal miners. Problem solved.”
Asked how they will be responding to the flood crisis, Federal ministers say they have a ten year plan of slowly de-escalating the disasters with slightly less bad disasters. “First we’ll use the hail to build some dams, that’ll control the flooding,” explained the Prime Minister. “Then we’ll use next year’s bushfires to slowly evaporate the water and ice into the atmosphere. Then, when the next dust storm rolls through, it’ll provide seeding to condensate the evaporated water back into rain, and using some cyclones to direct it out over rural communities, voila drought solved.”
“However, all that will have to wait until I get back from my holiday to Hawaii. Has anyone seen my thongs?”


thechaser--2020-02-09--Greens accused of starting floods

Greens accused of starting floods

Former Greens leader Richard Di Natale has today been taken into police custody for questioning , following a recent string of floods along Australia ’ s east coast .
“ We ’ re not pressing any charges at this time , ” explained police comissioner Clive Pugh .
“ We just want to know Richard ’ s whereabouts over the last two days during the time these floods were started.
” “ I mean , you have to admit it ’ s a pretty strange coincidence , ” he continued .
“ The guy resigns from Federal Parliament on Tuesday @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re suddenly seeing floods crop up across the state ?
Are we seriously supposed to believe some kind of ‘ global warming ’ is causing all these floods , wildfires , hail , smoke , tornadoes , coral bleaching , melting glaciers , disappearing permafrost , increasing average temperatures , and dying polar bears ?
If you ask me , that all sounds much more like the work of a few environmental activists hell bent on making it sound like sixty years of research by well respected climate scientists was correct , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
” News Corporation mastheads have also lept on the reports , republishing the conspiracy theories as fact without any further research or digging .
“ The fact is the public have a right to know when baseless accusations are made , ” explained the Australian ’ s editor Rob Barron .
“ Some might call that disingenuously pushing a false narrative in order to better protect the oil and coal investments of your company ’ s two largest share holders , but we prefer to think of it as balance .
”

Former Greens leader Richard Di Natale has today been taken into police custody for questioning, following a recent string of floods along Australia’s east coast.
“We’re not pressing any charges at this time,” explained police comissioner Clive Pugh. “We just want to know Richard’s whereabouts over the last two days during the time these floods were started.”
“I mean, you have to admit it’s a pretty strange coincidence,” he continued. “The guy resigns from Federal Parliament on Tuesday and then three days later we’re suddenly seeing floods crop up across the state? Are we seriously supposed to believe some kind of ‘global warming’ is causing all these floods, wildfires, hail, smoke, tornadoes, coral bleaching, melting glaciers, disappearing permafrost, increasing average temperatures, and dying polar bears? If you ask me, that all sounds much more like the work of a few environmental activists hell bent on making it sound like sixty years of research by well respected climate scientists was correct, and which do you think is more likely?”
News Corporation mastheads have also lept on the reports, republishing the conspiracy theories as fact without any further research or digging. “The fact is the public have a right to know when baseless accusations are made,” explained the Australian’s editor Rob Barron. “Some might call that disingenuously pushing a false narrative in order to better protect the oil and coal investments of your company’s two largest share holders, but we prefer to think of it as balance.”


thechaser--2020-02-09--God answers Morrison’s prayers by delivering unwanted pools to marginal electorates

Creator of the universe and part time swan God ‘ G-dizzle ’ Carpenter has today been placed under investigation by the Australian Federal Police , after being caught delivering unwanted pools to marginal parishes in an illegal pools-for-prayers scheme .
“ We have it on good authority that these miraculously appearing pools are the work of a god , or many gods , ” said cheif AFP investigator Clive Pugh today .
“ Now if this is true , it ’ s a very serious allegation , because clearly the large amounts of flooding are designed to increase prayers , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a correlation between the decline of religion in an area , and the rate of natural disasters , as alleged by whistleblower Israel Folau , well that ’ ll be some serious jail time God is facing.
” “ I assure you , this has nothing to do with corruption , ” explained a flustered God while being interviewed on the ABC today .
“ I mean , do you really want young girls having to change behind trees ?
Do you want that ?
Is that what you want you sicko ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ opposes this is , a pervert .
You all make me sick .
Sorry what was the question ?
” However , the Holy Father has since fallen under increased scrutiny , after a spreadsheet was leaked in which natural disasters were allocated based on whether the area was Catholic of Protestant .
“ It ’ s not what it looks like !
There ’ s a much more innocent explanation !
” exclaimed God .
“ The red ones are simply the areas where I ’ ve instructed the priests not to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ police .
Wait , shoot , actually that sounds worse , can we just go back to the flood corruption thing ?
”

Creator of the universe and part time swan God ‘G-dizzle’ Carpenter has today been placed under investigation by the Australian Federal Police, after being caught delivering unwanted pools to marginal parishes in an illegal pools-for-prayers scheme.
“We have it on good authority that these miraculously appearing pools are the work of a god, or many gods,” said cheif AFP investigator Clive Pugh today. “Now if this is true, it’s a very serious allegation, because clearly the large amounts of flooding are designed to increase prayers, and if we find there’s a correlation between the decline of religion in an area, and the rate of natural disasters, as alleged by whistleblower Israel Folau, well that’ll be some serious jail time God is facing.”
“I assure you, this has nothing to do with corruption,” explained a flustered God while being interviewed on the ABC today. “I mean, do you really want young girls having to change behind trees? Do you want that? Is that what you want you sicko? Because that’s what anyone who opposes this is, a pervert. You all make me sick. Sorry what was the question?”
However, the Holy Father has since fallen under increased scrutiny, after a spreadsheet was leaked in which natural disasters were allocated based on whether the area was Catholic of Protestant. “It’s not what it looks like! There’s a much more innocent explanation!” exclaimed God. “The red ones are simply the areas where I’ve instructed the priests not to report cases of child abuse to the police. Wait, shoot, actually that sounds worse, can we just go back to the flood corruption thing?”


thechaser--2020-02-09--Scott Morrison takes action on floods by booking emergency flight to Hawaii

Prime Minister and part-time Australian resident Scott Morrison has today taken immediate action on the floods ravaging New South Wales , by organising an all-heads meeting of emergency services and government leaders to be held in April , once he returns from his holiday in Hawaii .
“ The time for action is now !
” said Scott as he loaded the WebJet website to check for cheap flights .
“ Don ’ t worry though Australia , I ’ ve instructed the cricket team to play extra hard this month to help deal with the floods.
” However , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cut his holiday short , with many calling it ‘ callous ’ and ‘ uncaring ’ for the Prime Minister to be taking a holiday in the middle of a disaster .
“ How could he leave in our hour of need , ” asked a teary Immigration Minister Peter Dutton , “ There ’ s never been a more important time to stop the boats !
We need ScoMo now more than ever !
” UPDATE : Morrison has now cancelled his holidays plans following a huge public backlash .
The Prime @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the fires , by passing the religious discrimination bill to appease the gods and Israel Folau .

Prime Minister and part-time Australian resident Scott Morrison has today taken immediate action on the floods ravaging New South Wales, by organising an all-heads meeting of emergency services and government leaders to be held in April, once he returns from his holiday in Hawaii.
“The time for action is now!” said Scott as he loaded the WebJet website to check for cheap flights. “Don’t worry though Australia, I’ve instructed the cricket team to play extra hard this month to help deal with the floods.”
However, the Prime Minister may be forced to cut his holiday short, with many calling it ‘callous’ and ‘uncaring’ for the Prime Minister to be taking a holiday in the middle of a disaster. “How could he leave in our hour of need,” asked a teary Immigration Minister Peter Dutton, “There’s never been a more important time to stop the boats!”


thechaser--2020-02-10--Government decides to pork barrel entire nation and give everyone a pool

The entire nation of Australia has jumped up the predicted medal chart at the Tokyo Olympics today , after the @ @ @ @ @ sports grant delivered an Olympic sized swimming pool to every Australian ’ s backyard .
@ @ @ @ @ 150 electorates became eligible for the grant after recent polling came back showing the government @ @ @ @ @ single electorate in the country .
A desperate government seized the opportunity to win back @ @ @ @ @ apparently inadequate response to nationwide bushfires .
Prime Minister Scott Morrison decided to fight fire @ @ @ @ @ direct connection to god by successfully praying for rain-induced swimming pools .
The government wouldn @ @ @ @ @ kangaroos would be transported from bushfire-prone rural areas to the cities , to simultaneously assist @ @ @ @ @ teams .

The entire nation of Australia has jumped up the predicted medal chart at the Tokyo Olympics today, after the federal government’s latest sports grant delivered an Olympic sized swimming pool to every Australian’s backyard.
According to Liberal insiders all 150 electorates became eligible for the grant after recent polling came back showing the government was deeply unpopular in every single electorate in the country.
A desperate government seized the opportunity to win back support whilst deflecting from an apparently inadequate response to nationwide bushfires. Prime Minister Scott Morrison decided to fight fire with floods, using his direct connection to god by successfully praying for rain-induced swimming pools.
The government wouldn’t confirm rumours that kangaroos would be transported from bushfire-prone rural areas to the cities, to simultaneously assist the Olympic boxing and shooting teams.