thechaser--2020-01-02--New Zealand sends emergency shipment of competent leaders to help fire affected regions

The Australian air force has been scrambled today on a mission to collect much needed supplies for fire affected areas from neighbouring country New Zealand .
Stating that they “ couldn ’ t simply stand by and watch as our closest neighbour struggled through a national crisis , ” the government of New Zealand have put together an emergency shipment of blankets , water , and competent leaders which will be offered to fire affected regions .
“ Sure we might only have one competent Prime Minister , but we know Australia doesn ’ t even have that right now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ share our supplies as best we can , ” said a representative for the New Zealand government .
“ I ’ m told a package of Jacinda is due to arrive on Australian shores this evening , which should immediately help with the dwindling supplies of empathy and leadership in Australia.
” Asked what benefits New Zealand ’ s Prime Minister offers over our own home-grown versions , New Zealand ’ s Minister for Innovation pointed out a range of useful features that can be used during times of national tragedy .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ speech upgrade which prevents her from stating that it ’ s ‘ terrific ’ to be at the funeral of a fireman , ” she explained , “ also she has this nifty feature where she feels compassion for others and expresses it through her eyes and mouth.
” “ But best of all , she ’ s sturdy , ” the minister continued , “ unlike your flimsy Australian Prime Minister which has to be replaced every six months after the government breaks down , a New Zealand Prime Minister can last @ @ @ @ @ @ @ still good as new .
In fact , it actually often gets better the more you use it.
” “ The only downside is they often gets their ‘ e ’ s and ‘ i ’ s mixed up , but we ’ re working on that bug.
” Meanwhile Canada ’ s offer for a temporary lend of their Prime Minister was retracted after it became clear that they had misunderstood the meaning of Black Wednesday .

The Australian air force has been scrambled today on a mission to collect much needed supplies for fire affected areas from neighbouring country New Zealand. Stating that they “couldn’t simply stand by and watch as our closest neighbour struggled through a national crisis,” the government of New Zealand have put together an emergency shipment of blankets, water, and competent leaders which will be offered to fire affected regions.
“Sure we might only have one competent Prime Minister, but we know Australia doesn’t even have that right now, so we’re willing to share our supplies as best we can,” said a representative for the New Zealand government. “I’m told a package of Jacinda is due to arrive on Australian shores this evening, which should immediately help with the dwindling supplies of empathy and leadership in Australia.”
Asked what benefits New Zealand’s Prime Minister offers over our own home-grown versions, New Zealand’s Minister for Innovation pointed out a range of useful features that can be used during times of national tragedy. “Well for one thing she has this speech upgrade which prevents her from stating that it’s ‘terrific’ to be at the funeral of a fireman,” she explained, “also she has this nifty feature where she feels compassion for others and expresses it through her eyes and mouth.”
“But best of all, she’s sturdy,” the minister continued, “unlike your flimsy Australian Prime Minister which has to be replaced every six months after the government breaks down, a New Zealand Prime Minister can last years, if not decades and is still good as new. In fact, it actually often gets better the more you use it.”
“The only downside is they often gets their ‘e’s and ‘i’s mixed up, but we’re working on that bug.”
Meanwhile Canada’s offer for a temporary lend of their Prime Minister was retracted after it became clear that they had misunderstood the meaning of Black Wednesday.


thechaser--2020-01-02--Morrison offers one waterbombing run for every 6 hit in the Sydney Test

After months of resistance to advice from Fire Chiefs and scientists and failing to offer any form of leadership whatsoever , Prime Minister Scott Morrison this afternoon decided to instead draw on his marketing nous by announcing plans to ‘ gamify the fires ’ in order to ‘ raise the spirits ’ of people who have lost their homes and everything they ’ ve ever worked for .
“ Regular Aussies , like me , love the cricket .
Everyone will be watching this super important test against New Zealand , in a series that ’ s already a dead @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lightning started some fires or whatever ” Morrison opened with .
“ I ’ ve been criticised , you know , really put up on the cross lately .
But , hear this , for every six the Aussies knock I will allow a waterbomber to do a run .
I mean , how good is that ?
And how good is cricket ?
” Morrison continued as his six-figure Empathy Consultant made faces like the Chrissy Teigen gif in the background .
“ We want to fire the guys up , really @ @ @ @ @ @ @ coals so to say , so not only will be rewarding every big 6 they hit , but for every wicket the Kiwis take , we ’ ll start another fire somewhere .
Now that ’ s exciting !
No pressure , guys !
ha ha ” The waterbombers will apparently be fitted with wheel clamps that only unlock once the sensors placed around the fences at SCG register a six has been hit .
At that point the pilot will be directed towards a fire-swept location with the highest propensity of LNP @ @ @ @

After months of resistance to advice from Fire Chiefs and scientists and failing to offer any form of leadership whatsoever, Prime Minister Scott Morrison this afternoon decided to instead draw on his marketing nous by announcing plans to ‘gamify the fires’ in order to ‘raise the spirits’ of people who have lost their homes and everything they’ve ever worked for.
“Regular Aussies, like me, love the cricket. Everyone will be watching this super important test against New Zealand, in a series that’s already a dead rubber, to stay positive after some lightning started some fires or whatever” Morrison opened with.
“I’ve been criticised, you know, really put up on the cross lately. But, hear this, for every six the Aussies knock I will allow a waterbomber to do a run. I mean, how good is that? And how good is cricket?”
Morrison continued as his six-figure Empathy Consultant made faces like the Chrissy Teigen gif in the background.
“We want to fire the guys up, really light something under them, stoke the coals so to say, so not only will be rewarding every big 6 they hit, but for every wicket the Kiwis take, we’ll start another fire somewhere. Now that’s exciting! No pressure, guys! ha ha”
The waterbombers will apparently be fitted with wheel clamps that only unlock once the sensors placed around the fences at SCG register a six has been hit. At that point the pilot will be directed towards a fire-swept location with the highest propensity of LNP or Nationals voters.


thechaser--2020-01-02--Morrison authorises $6 million in emergency funds for Australian cricket team

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today taken drastic action on the bushfires currently enveloping the country , announcing the new purchase of 12 state-of-the-art helicopters to ensure every possible angle is filmed in upcoming Australian cricket games .
The Prime Minister has also approved up to $ 3 million for improved uniforms for the Australian cricket team , with extra long visors added to the baggy green to ensure they don ’ t get burned while out on the field .
Water supplies have also been flown in from interstate by the army to ensure players are sufficiently hydrated to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ new fire extinguishers have been installed in the changerooms of major sporting venues , in case the teams want to get a bit silly and spray each other following their predicted stunning victories this season .
“ It ’ s imperative that our country ’ s first line of defence against these terrible fires is adequately funded , ” said Morrison , before clarifying that he was still talking about the cricket team .
“ Today I ’ m asking all Australians to give generously to these heroes , whether you ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or even some kind of emergency service worker , we should all chip in and give thanks to our nation ’ s multi-millionaire sports players for chasing a ball around a grass field for hours on end .
Those are the heroes our country is relying on.
” “ I think we can all agree that praising a sporting team during a national disaster is the least we can do .
But that being said if anyone has any ideas on how I can do even less , I am all ears .
@

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today taken drastic action on the bushfires currently enveloping the country, announcing the new purchase of 12 state-of-the-art helicopters to ensure every possible angle is filmed in upcoming Australian cricket games.
The Prime Minister has also approved up to $3 million for improved uniforms for the Australian cricket team, with extra long visors added to the baggy green to ensure they don’t get burned while out on the field. Water supplies have also been flown in from interstate by the army to ensure players are sufficiently hydrated to be at peak performance, and 30 new fire extinguishers have been installed in the changerooms of major sporting venues, in case the teams want to get a bit silly and spray each other following their predicted stunning victories this season.
“It’s imperative that our country’s first line of defence against these terrible fires is adequately funded,” said Morrison, before clarifying that he was still talking about the cricket team. “Today I’m asking all Australians to give generously to these heroes, whether you’re in retail, an office worker, or even some kind of emergency service worker, we should all chip in and give thanks to our nation’s multi-millionaire sports players for chasing a ball around a grass field for hours on end. Those are the heroes our country is relying on.”
“I think we can all agree that praising a sporting team during a national disaster is the least we can do. But that being said if anyone has any ideas on how I can do even less, I am all ears.”


thechaser--2020-01-01--Australia celebrates as it heads into the 1920s

The world has come together to celebrate the end of the decade today , as it marched directly into the 1920s once more in what is certainly the most ambitious and controversial reboot of the decade .
“ I never thought I ’ d see this day again , ” said 98 year old Betty White to reporters this morning .
“ Fascism ’ s on the rise again , jazz bars are raging , there ’ s a staggering gap between rich and poor , there ’ s a handful of billionaires inventing world changing technologies faster than you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ economy ’ s steam-powering towards an inevitable bust cycle .
It ’ s just like I remember it.
” “ Well except for the whole America being the bad guys this time.
” she continued .
“ That ’ s certainly a new angle , and I ’ m not sure if I care for it.
” Asked whether they are planning to learn from history and maybe this time shut down the concentration camps , the rising threat of nationalism and the runaway capitalism before it ’ s too late , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to hear the question over the sound of popping champaign bottles .

The world has come together to celebrate the end of the decade today, as it marched directly into the 1920s once more in what is certainly the most ambitious and controversial reboot of the decade.
“I never thought I’d see this day again,” said 98 year old Betty White to reporters this morning. “Fascism’s on the rise again, jazz bars are raging, there’s a staggering gap between rich and poor, there’s a handful of billionaires inventing world changing technologies faster than you can keep up, and the world economy’s steam-powering towards an inevitable bust cycle. It’s just like I remember it.”
“Well except for the whole America being the bad guys this time.” she continued. “That’s certainly a new angle, and I’m not sure if I care for it.”
Asked whether they are planning to learn from history and maybe this time shut down the concentration camps, the rising threat of nationalism and the runaway capitalism before it’s too late, the people of the world shrugged, unable to hear the question over the sound of popping champaign bottles.


thechaser--2020-01-01--Local man pretty sure he knows more about climate than NASA, David Attenborough, the UN, CSIRO, the

Local door salesman and part-time internet expert Rob ‘ The Door Guy ’ Banner has today declared online that climate change is a hoax , and Australia ’ s fires are totally normal , citing many verified feelings in his gut .
“ Wake up people , stop buying into the MSM agenda , ” Rick posted on Facebook under a post pointing out that the current bushfires had been predicted by climate scientists ten years ago .
“ Can ’ t you people see this is all just a big plot by greenies to clean our planet from pollution @ @ @ @ @ @ @ making ends meet ?
” “ I mean sure NASA , the CSIRO , the Academy of Science , the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change , the Bureau of Meteorology , the Institute of Physics , Australian Medical Association , David Attenborough , and 200 other peak scientific bodies all conclusively state that the evidence of climate change is irrefutable and we must act now to fix it , but on the other hand an anonymous person on YouTube also made a video stating that global warming is a hoax , and I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going to go with the random guy on YouTube in this case over thousands of people who study this kind of thing for a living .
I mean , vested interests much ?
” “ After all , ” Rob continued , “ believing that I have access to secret knowledge , which everyone else is too stupid and normie to know about helps me feel superior and intelligent in the face of the crushing reality that I am in no way outstanding or special and am actually just a very average person @ @ @ @ @ @ @ internet through which I can spread nonsense and feel validated for it through the likes of equally uninformed strangers.
” “ Unlike those idiot scientists , I ’ m actually informed , ” Rob explained .
“ After all , I bet these scientists haven ’ t even watched SkyTruth89 ’ s video on how the dinosaurs were wiped out by vaccinations .
What amateurs .
”

Local man pretty sure he knows more about climate than NASA, David Attenborough, the UN, CSIRO, the Bureau of Meteorology, the IPCC, and 97 percent of people who study this for a living
Local door salesman and part-time internet expert Rob ‘The Door Guy’ Banner has today declared online that climate change is a hoax, and Australia’s fires are totally normal, citing many verified feelings in his gut. “Wake up people, stop buying into the MSM agenda,” Rick posted on Facebook under a post pointing out that the current bushfires had been predicted by climate scientists ten years ago. “Can’t you people see this is all just a big plot by greenies to clean our planet from pollution while poor struggling oil barons are barely making ends meet?”
“I mean sure NASA, the CSIRO, the Academy of Science, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, the Bureau of Meteorology, the Institute of Physics, Australian Medical Association, David Attenborough, and 200 other peak scientific bodies all conclusively state that the evidence of climate change is irrefutable and we must act now to fix it, but on the other hand an anonymous person on YouTube also made a video stating that global warming is a hoax, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to go with the random guy on YouTube in this case over thousands of people who study this kind of thing for a living. I mean, vested interests much?”
“After all,” Rob continued, “believing that I have access to secret knowledge, which everyone else is too stupid and normie to know about helps me feel superior and intelligent in the face of the crushing reality that I am in no way outstanding or special and am actually just a very average person with an outsized platform thanks to the internet through which I can spread nonsense and feel validated for it through the likes of equally uninformed strangers.”
“Unlike those idiot scientists, I’m actually informed,” Rob explained. “After all, I bet these scientists haven’t even watched SkyTruth89’s video on how the dinosaurs were wiped out by vaccinations. What amateurs.”


thechaser--2020-01-01--Nation deeply worried as it finds itself nostalgic for leadership of Tony Abbott

Voters across the nation were deeply disturbed today following the realisation that they are now looking back on the Prime Ministership of Tony Abbott as a time of strong , effective leadership with relatively minor scandals .
“ The man ate a raw onion with the skin on only months before knighting the Queen ’ s husband and I ’ d still somehow choose him over the current idiot to lead us through this national tragedy , ” said one concerned woman seen clutching her head in frustration this afternoon .
“ I never in a million years thought I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I actually somehow miss Tony Abbott as PM .
Jesus fucking Christ , you know things are really bad when I ’ m saying something like that.
” However , voters were quick to point out that given another option , any option , they would still choose that over either Abbott or Scomo .
“ Yea , nah don ’ t get me wrong , ” said a man who would only identify himself as ‘ Steveo ’ at a country pub in Bundaree , “ they ’ re both fuckwits .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ mate Dazza here could probably do a better job and he ’ s been passed out in the corner since New Years .
I guess that means he ’ s probably at least qualified enough to run the Nationals though.
” Asked what he thought of the situation , the Prime Minister said that he was deeply sorry for the offence he ’ s caused the nation , and that he would be taking some time out in Hawaii to think about his mistakes .

Voters across the nation were deeply disturbed today following the realisation that they are now looking back on the Prime Ministership of Tony Abbott as a time of strong, effective leadership with relatively minor scandals.
“The man ate a raw onion with the skin on only months before knighting the Queen’s husband and I’d still somehow choose him over the current idiot to lead us through this national tragedy,” said one concerned woman seen clutching her head in frustration this afternoon. “I never in a million years thought I’d be saying this, but I actually somehow miss Tony Abbott as PM. Jesus fucking Christ, you know things are really bad when I’m saying something like that.”
However, voters were quick to point out that given another option, any option, they would still choose that over either Abbott or Scomo. “Yea, nah don’t get me wrong,” said a man who would only identify himself as ‘Steveo’ at a country pub in Bundaree, “they’re both fuckwits. I’m pretty sure even my mate Dazza here could probably do a better job and he’s been passed out in the corner since New Years. I guess that means he’s probably at least qualified enough to run the Nationals though.”
Asked what he thought of the situation, the Prime Minister said that he was deeply sorry for the offence he’s caused the nation, and that he would be taking some time out in Hawaii to think about his mistakes.


thechaser--2020-01-07--Iran retaliates against U.S. by not taking out high ranking government official

The government of Iran has today announced that they will be unleashing the harshest possible punishment on the people of America , stating that as retribution for the country ’ s recent actions , Iran will not be taking out a single high ranking government American official .
“ Not the senile reality TV guy , not the guy that looks like a turtle , and not even the guy that calls his wife mother , no matter how gross that may be , ” explained the Iranian President Hassan Rouhani via a televised speech today .
“ You ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ narcissistic buffoons running your country America .
How do you like them apples ?
” The Iranian government continued with their threats , stating that in response to Trump ’ s war mongering Iran will be forced to make the difficult decision to do nothing , other than to put some popcorn on and watch America tear itself apart as the 2020 election approaches .
“ We considered some kind of an air raid , ” explained the President , “ but the Americans are doing a much better job of destroying their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ alliances than we ever could , so in the end we decided to just get out of the way and let them get on with it .
”

The government of Iran has today announced that they will be unleashing the harshest possible punishment on the people of America, stating that as retribution for the country’s recent actions, Iran will not be taking out a single high ranking government American official.
“Not the senile reality TV guy, not the guy that looks like a turtle, and not even the guy that calls his wife mother, no matter how gross that may be,” explained the Iranian President Hassan Rouhani via a televised speech today. “You’re stuck with all those incompetent, narcissistic buffoons running your country America. How do you like them apples?”
The Iranian government continued with their threats, stating that in response to Trump’s war mongering Iran will be forced to make the difficult decision to do nothing, other than to put some popcorn on and watch America tear itself apart as the 2020 election approaches.
“We considered some kind of an air raid,” explained the President, “but the Americans are doing a much better job of destroying their country, their power, and their alliances than we ever could, so in the end we decided to just get out of the way and let them get on with it.”


thechaser--2020-01-09--Queen pronounces grandson ‘the Harry formerly known as Prince’

Queen of England and part time stamp model Elizabeth Windsor has today signalled her support for her grandson Harry by revoking all his titles , and booking him an expenses paid driving tour of France .
“ One completely understands Harry ’ s wishes to lead a normal life , ” explained the Queen , in a televised address today .
“ One does sometimes look at Britain with Borris , Brexit and JK Rowling ’ s twitter feed , and wonder if one might be better off in another country .
But then I remember I ’ m Queen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it ’ d all be much of the same old dreary nonsense with different idiots running the show .
Maybe I ’ ll just invade America and reclaim the colonies , that place certainly has gone to the dogs since my family stopped running the show.
” Asked what he will be doing with his newfound freedom , the former Prince Harry stated that he is looking forward to living a normal life , earning his own way for the first time , and getting a real job .
Harry was spotted 24 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can under a local bridge .

Queen of England and part time stamp model Elizabeth Windsor has today signalled her support for her grandson Harry by revoking all his titles, and booking him an expenses paid driving tour of France.
“One completely understands Harry’s wishes to lead a normal life,” explained the Queen, in a televised address today. “One does sometimes look at Britain with Borris, Brexit and JK Rowling’s twitter feed, and wonder if one might be better off in another country. But then I remember I’m Queen of most of them too, so it’d all be much of the same old dreary nonsense with different idiots running the show. Maybe I’ll just invade America and reclaim the colonies, that place certainly has gone to the dogs since my family stopped running the show.”
Asked what he will be doing with his newfound freedom, the former Prince Harry stated that he is looking forward to living a normal life, earning his own way for the first time, and getting a real job.
Harry was spotted 24 hours later eating beans out of a can under a local bridge.


thechaser--2020-01-09--Prince Harry ready to return to royal duties after wrapping up first day as Tesco shelfpacker

Duke of Sussex , Earl of Dumbarton and part-time Tesco shelf-packer Harry “ formerly known as Prince ” Windsor was today seen standing outside the gates of Windsor Palace begging to be let back in after spending his first day as a supermarket assistant .
“ Sorry Mr Harry , no members of the public outside tour hours , ” a guard was seen explaining to the former Royal at the gates of the palace , “ also they ’ ve implemented a strict ‘ No Harrys ’ rule since this morning , not sure what that one ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stating that he had made a terrible mistake and just wanted to return to his life of palaces and pageantry .
“ God I had no idea being a member of the general public would be so hard !
” exclaimed a distressed Harry taking off his uniform .
“ I got out of this job so I wouldn ’ t have to shake hands and make pleasantries anymore , but those royal watchers were a treat compared to a middle-aged mother who threatens to call the manager because we won ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the grounds that we don ’ t actually sell blenders .
God , how do people do this their entire lives ?
” Asked whether she would also be returning to royal duties , Meghan Markle said that she would , but in a slightly different capacity , after being offered the opportunity to play herself in an upcoming season of the crown .
Royal experts have already condemned her performance as ‘ too wooden ’ and ‘ unlikeable ’ .

Duke of Sussex, Earl of Dumbarton and part-time Tesco shelf-packer Harry “formerly known as Prince” Windsor was today seen standing outside the gates of Windsor Palace begging to be let back in after spending his first day as a supermarket assistant.
“Sorry Mr Harry, no members of the public outside tour hours,” a guard was seen explaining to the former Royal at the gates of the palace, “also they’ve implemented a strict ‘No Harrys’ rule since this morning, not sure what that one’s about.”
However Harry was insistent, stating that he had made a terrible mistake and just wanted to return to his life of palaces and pageantry. “God I had no idea being a member of the general public would be so hard!” exclaimed a distressed Harry taking off his uniform. “I got out of this job so I wouldn’t have to shake hands and make pleasantries anymore, but those royal watchers were a treat compared to a middle-aged mother who threatens to call the manager because we won’t let her return the blender she bought on the grounds that we don’t actually sell blenders. God, how do people do this their entire lives?”
Asked whether she would also be returning to royal duties, Meghan Markle said that she would, but in a slightly different capacity, after being offered the opportunity to play herself in an upcoming season of the crown. Royal experts have already condemned her performance as ‘too wooden’ and ‘unlikeable’.


thechaser--2020-01-09--Prince Harry resigns to spend less time with family

Fifth in line to the throne and accessory to the murder of Jeffrey Epstein , Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle have today announced their effective resignation as royals , citing their wish to spend less time focusing on their family .
“ Look it ’ s been a blast , you ’ ve all been great to work with , but it ’ s time I moved on.
” explained Harry to the family today , “ At 35 , I think it ’ s time I finally moved out of my grandmother ’ s house and actually @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was any particular reason for his departure , Harry explained that there were a range of reasons he felt like he needed to distance himself from his family , but first and foremost it was down to the fact that they were currently defending a man who had sex-trafficked teenagers .
“ Harry and Meghan have destroyed the royal family !
” exclaimed one member of the British press when asked about their thoughts on the resignation .
“ I ’ ve no idea why that little red haired brat , who is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the way , would want to , oh also he ’ s feuding with his brother , anyway I ’ ve no idea why he ’ d want to , oh did I mention their marriage was on the rocks ?
Also his wife is not suited to the role .
Anyway , I ’ ve no idea why they feel the need to quit .
Also did I mention she ’ s half-black !
?
!
The nerve of some people.
” The formerly-royal couple have since released a press statement , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that it was largely down to the way they had been depicted by certain sections of the press due to the colour of one particular member of the duo ’ s skin .
“ As a member of a minority group I was never going to be fully accepted by the British press , ” it read .
“ I was foolish to think they could ever respect me , but that ’ s just the kind of discrimination one has to grow accustomed to when living life as a ginger .
”

Fifth in line to the throne and accessory to the murder of Jeffrey Epstein, Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle have today announced their effective resignation as royals, citing their wish to spend less time focusing on their family. “Look it’s been a blast, you’ve all been great to work with, but it’s time I moved on.” explained Harry to the family today, “At 35, I think it’s time I finally moved out of my grandmother’s house and actually got a job.”
Asked whether there was any particular reason for his departure, Harry explained that there were a range of reasons he felt like he needed to distance himself from his family, but first and foremost it was down to the fact that they were currently defending a man who had sex-trafficked teenagers.
“Harry and Meghan have destroyed the royal family!” exclaimed one member of the British press when asked about their thoughts on the resignation. “I’ve no idea why that little red haired brat, who is not Prince Charles’s son by the way, would want to, oh also he’s feuding with his brother, anyway I’ve no idea why he’d want to, oh did I mention their marriage was on the rocks? Also his wife is not suited to the role. Anyway, I’ve no idea why they feel the need to quit. Also did I mention she’s half-black!?! The nerve of some people.”
The formerly-royal couple have since released a press statement, explaining their reason for resigning, stating that it was largely down to the way they had been depicted by certain sections of the press due to the colour of one particular member of the duo’s skin. “As a member of a minority group I was never going to be fully accepted by the British press,” it read. “I was foolish to think they could ever respect me, but that’s just the kind of discrimination one has to grow accustomed to when living life as a ginger.”


thechaser--2020-01-10--Morrison to ‘step back’ from official duties to balance his time between Australia and Hawaii

Scott Morrison has announced that he intends to step back from his duties as a ‘ senior ’ member of @ @ @ @ @ fully support himself in the role of Prime Minister .
The announcement on Mr Morrison @ @ @ @ @ , accompanied by a photograph of him ‘ hanging loose ’ , has been received @ @ @ @ @ can not believe it has taken so long to announce .
“ I understand emotions @ @ @ @ @ , ” said Mr Morrison explaining that he will provide comfort by dodging traditional media @ @ @ @ @ who lack the resources to follow him to Hawaii .
He said that when in @ @ @ @ @ to live in Kirribilli House “ with permission of the Queen ” .
Alan Jones @ @ @ @ @ the arrangement .

Morrison to ‘step back’ from official duties to balance his time between Australia and Hawaii
Scott Morrison has announced that he intends to step back from his duties as a ‘senior’ member of government, while continuing to fully support himself in the role of Prime Minister.
The announcement on Mr Morrison’s personal instagram account, accompanied by a photograph of him ‘hanging loose’, has been received with shock. Avid Liberal-watchers cannot believe it has taken so long to announce.
“I understand emotions run high during such times,” said Mr Morrison explaining that he will provide comfort by dodging traditional media and instead working with up-and-comers who lack the resources to follow him to Hawaii.
He said that when in Australia, he still plans to live in Kirribilli House “with permission of the Queen”. Alan Jones said he was fine with the arrangement.


thechaser--2020-01-10--Australia kindly requests Iran, U.S. pause their bullshit until after fires are dealt with

The nation of Australia has today sent a diplomatic mission to the United Nation ’ s assembly , requesting that all nations “ shut the fuck up and keep their heads down ” until the fires tearing across Australia are dealt with .
“ Would you c-nts keep it down !
?
” asked Australia ’ s defence minister on the floor of the UN this afternoon , “ None of us give a crap about your stupid dick-measuring bullsh-t , can ’ t you see we ’ ve got more important things to worry about right now ?
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ United States President Donald Trump for his part in both ramping up and then calling off the war .
“ Don ’ t you idiots forget we have the ANZUS treaty , ” the Australian delegation warned .
“ Technically if we invade your country and overthrow your President , your military is legally obliged to help us carry out that mission.
” Canada has also joined in the chorus telling the US to pull its neck in , with the Canadian foreign minister laying into Iran and the US over what the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ piece of grandstanding I ’ ve ever seen.
” “ You idiots wanted to show off how tough you both were , but all you accomplished was killing 130 innocent Canadians .
Great job guys , hope you all feel like real big men now .
”

The nation of Australia has today sent a diplomatic mission to the United Nation’s assembly, requesting that all nations “shut the fuck up and keep their heads down” until the fires tearing across Australia are dealt with.
“Would you c-nts keep it down!?” asked Australia’s defence minister on the floor of the UN this afternoon, “None of us give a crap about your stupid dick-measuring bullsh-t, can’t you see we’ve got more important things to worry about right now?”
The nation in particular singled out the United States President Donald Trump for his part in both ramping up and then calling off the war. “Don’t you idiots forget we have the ANZUS treaty,” the Australian delegation warned. “Technically if we invade your country and overthrow your President, your military is legally obliged to help us carry out that mission.”
Canada has also joined in the chorus telling the US to pull its neck in, with the Canadian foreign minister laying into Iran and the US over what the minister has diplomatically called “the stupidest piece of grandstanding I’ve ever seen.”
“You idiots wanted to show off how tough you both were, but all you accomplished was killing 130 innocent Canadians. Great job guys, hope you all feel like real big men now.”


thechaser--2020-01-10--Emotional Abbott launches GoFundMe to convince Harry to stick with royals

Former Prime Minister and current Newstart recipient Tony Abbott has today announced an ambitious GoFundMe campaign , hoping to raise up to $ 50 million to assist with the ongoing disaster weighing heavily on all Australians right now : Harry and Meghan ’ s shock estrangement from the royal family .
“ Please help in any way you can .
This is terrifying , ” Abbott wrote in a Facebook post this morning .
“ Imagine the repercussions for ordinary Australians if a man so far down the succession that he will never be king decides to get a job @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” He explained that the monarchy itself could be at risk here , something which would surely have a devastating impact on all our lives .
Abbott said the money would go towards a variety of initiatives aimed to entice the young couple back into the royal fold , including disguises they can use when venturing outside , stunt driving courses for their chauffeurs , and body doubles to handle particularly tedious family gatherings .
“ We ’ re also going to lobby Scott Morrison to give Prince Harry a knighthood , because @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the UK , royal observers have expressed support for the campaign .
“ It ’ s so upsetting .
I just can not understand why they would want to distance themselves from the monarchy , ” paparazzo Thom Valentino told the Chaser , before cutting the interview short to pursue Harry and Meghan down a crowded highway tunnel .
Mining billionaire Andrew “ Twiggy ” Forrest is also pitching in , donating $ 2 million to Abbott ’ s campaign , and an extra $ 130 million to set up a think @ @ @ @ @ @ @ profit from the crisis .

Former Prime Minister and current Newstart recipient Tony Abbott has today announced an ambitious GoFundMe campaign, hoping to raise up to $50 million to assist with the ongoing disaster weighing heavily on all Australians right now: Harry and Meghan’s shock estrangement from the royal family.
“Please help in any way you can. This is terrifying,” Abbott wrote in a Facebook post this morning. “Imagine the repercussions for ordinary Australians if a man so far down the succession that he will never be king decides to get a job instead of mooching off of British taxpayers.” He explained that the monarchy itself could be at risk here, something which would surely have a devastating impact on all our lives.
Abbott said the money would go towards a variety of initiatives aimed to entice the young couple back into the royal fold, including disguises they can use when venturing outside, stunt driving courses for their chauffeurs, and body doubles to handle particularly tedious family gatherings. “We’re also going to lobby Scott Morrison to give Prince Harry a knighthood, because that’s always popular.”
Back in the UK, royal observers have expressed support for the campaign. “It’s so upsetting. I just cannot understand why they would want to distance themselves from the monarchy,” paparazzo Thom Valentino told the Chaser, before cutting the interview short to pursue Harry and Meghan down a crowded highway tunnel.
Mining billionaire Andrew “Twiggy” Forrest is also pitching in, donating $2 million to Abbott’s campaign, and an extra $130 million to set up a think tank to determine how he can best profit from the crisis.


thechaser--2020-01-10--Government donate $200 to bushfire relief each time anyone shakes Scott Morrison’s hand

The National Security Committee of Cabinet has today held an emergency meeting to release emergency funds to help the government @ @ @ @ @ anyone voluntarily shakes Scott Morrison ’ s hand .
“ Desperate times call for desperate @ @ @ @ @ Treasurer announcing the initiative .
“ The Prime Minister clearly needs more than just military @ @ @ @ @ ve decided it ’ s better to go with a carrot than a stick which @ @ @ @ @ ” The move comes in the wake of devastating footage in the aftermath of the @ @ @ @ @ Morrison mistakenly stating that there had been no loss of life in the fires .
@ @ @ @ @ out , with Mr Morrison said to be favouring a larger payment for anyone who @ @ @ @ @ oversized foam hand .

The National Security Committee of Cabinet has today held an emergency meeting to release emergency funds to help the government pay $200 each time anyone voluntarily shakes Scott Morrison’s hand.
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” said the Treasurer announcing the initiative. “The Prime Minister clearly needs more than just military support, and we’ve decided it’s better to go with a carrot than a stick which will just catch on fire.”
The move comes in the wake of devastating footage in the aftermath of the fires, which showed Scott Morrison mistakenly stating that there had been no loss of life in the fires.
Details are still being worked out, with Mr Morrison said to be favouring a larger payment for anyone who handshakes using a Cricket Australia oversized foam hand.


thechaser--2020-01-10--NASA to replace all scientists with Greg from Facebook who has a degree in COMMON SENSE

Texas ’ s new government jobs figures have revealed the worst ever result today , following the news that Houston based space organisation NASA has replaced all its scientific staff with a man named Greg from Facebook who declared he doesn ’ t need a science degree because he has COMMON SENSE .
“ We ’ ve saved billions , ” explained head of NASA James Bridenstine .
“ At first we were sceptical that a guy with absolutely no background in studying aeronautics , chemistry , physics or even engineering could somehow possibly expect to know as much as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ living , but you know what , he really showed us idiot scientists a thing or two once he worked out how to connect his bluetooth mouse to the computer .
That was a long two weeks.
” However , Greg has hit back at critics who have claimed he is dangerously under-qualified to be running a national space program , with the former Uber driver pointing out that he has a degree from the University of Life , which included such courses as ‘ watching Rick and Morty ’ and ‘ why @ @ @ @ @ @ @ attempting to use a can of deodorant as a flamethrower.
’ “ Yea I ’ ve learned a thing or two at the School of Hard Knocks , ” explained Greg .
“ Like how you probably shouldn ’ t eat pop-tarts over the ground-control communications pannl .
On an unrelated note if anyone is in space reading this and spots two astronauts of medium height float by , please tell them to Skype me .
Or actually just tell them to call my landline , my computer hasn ’ t worked since @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ d won a million dollars from a Nigerian Prince.
” “ Come to think of it , the Prince still hasn ’ t paid me .
I really should follow that up , maybe he needs my credit card details .
”

Texas’s new government jobs figures have revealed the worst ever result today, following the news that Houston based space organisation NASA has replaced all its scientific staff with a man named Greg from Facebook who declared he doesn’t need a science degree because he has COMMON SENSE.
“We’ve saved billions,” explained head of NASA James Bridenstine. “At first we were sceptical that a guy with absolutely no background in studying aeronautics, chemistry, physics or even engineering could somehow possibly expect to know as much as someone who has studied this for a living, but you know what, he really showed us idiot scientists a thing or two once he worked out how to connect his bluetooth mouse to the computer. That was a long two weeks.”
However, Greg has hit back at critics who have claimed he is dangerously under-qualified to be running a national space program, with the former Uber driver pointing out that he has a degree from the University of Life, which included such courses as ‘watching Rick and Morty’ and ‘why you will end up in hospital after attempting to use a can of deodorant as a flamethrower.’
“Yea I’ve learned a thing or two at the School of Hard Knocks,” explained Greg. “Like how you probably shouldn’t eat pop-tarts over the ground-control communications pannl. On an unrelated note if anyone is in space reading this and spots two astronauts of medium height float by, please tell them to Skype me. Or actually just tell them to call my landline, my computer hasn’t worked since I got that email telling me I’d won a million dollars from a Nigerian Prince.”
“Come to think of it, the Prince still hasn’t paid me. I really should follow that up, maybe he needs my credit card details.”


thechaser--2020-01-10--Shock new Daily Telegraph report reveals Iran plane crash caused by Greens

Australia ’ s Daily Telegraph has today revealed evidence that the recent plane crash in Iran was not an accident as first reported , with the Murdoch backed news organisation exclusively reporting new evidence that the plane crash was the work of environmental arsonists .
“ GREENIE TERRORISTS TRYING TO CAUSE WW3 ” read the front page of the paper today , “ also Australia has hottest year ever , see page 54 .
” Asked why exactly these Greens would do such a thing , alleged journalist Andrew Bolt explained that it was simply an attempt to further push @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a few fringe organisations like and the CSIRO and NASA actually believe .
“ By intentionally setting this plane on fire , these Greenies were clearly attempting to start world war three , which they could then use as evidence to pretend the world is getting hotter when in reality it ’ s just a bunch of nukes exploding .
It ’ s so obvious it ’ s almost laughable , as if we wouldn ’ t have seen through their plan.
” However , some are sceptical of the reports , pointing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reports , the people investigating the crash say it ’ s not true , and the Greens have a very clear “ not blowing up civilian planes ” policy which can be read on their website .
“ Typical lefties , ” replied one man with a picture of a statue as his profile picture on twitter , “ always relying on ‘ the facts ’ to back up their lies .
Well some of us don ’ t need a degree in physics to apply the COMMON SENSE that Greenies are secretly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , come on , it ’ s not climate science .
”

Australia’s Daily Telegraph has today revealed evidence that the recent plane crash in Iran was not an accident as first reported, with the Murdoch backed news organisation exclusively reporting new evidence that the plane crash was the work of environmental arsonists.
“GREENIE TERRORISTS TRYING TO CAUSE WW3” read the front page of the paper today, “ also Australia has hottest year ever, see page 54. ”
Asked why exactly these Greens would do such a thing, alleged journalist Andrew Bolt explained that it was simply an attempt to further push their crazy climate change agenda which only a few fringe organisations like and the CSIRO and NASA actually believe. “By intentionally setting this plane on fire, these Greenies were clearly attempting to start world war three, which they could then use as evidence to pretend the world is getting hotter when in reality it’s just a bunch of nukes exploding. It’s so obvious it’s almost laughable, as if we wouldn’t have seen through their plan.”
However, some are sceptical of the reports, pointing out the evidence does not back the reports, the people investigating the crash say it’s not true, and the Greens have a very clear “not blowing up civilian planes” policy which can be read on their website. “Typical lefties,” replied one man with a picture of a statue as his profile picture on twitter, “always relying on ‘the facts’ to back up their lies. Well some of us don’t need a degree in physics to apply the COMMON SENSE that Greenies are secretly blowing up civilian airplanes. I mean, come on, it’s not climate science.”


thechaser--2020-01-11--Peter Dutton referred to Queensland Police for wasting police time

The Australian Federal Police have referred Peter Dutton to the Queensland police for ‘ wasting police time ’ in asking @ @ @ @ @ Bruce Pascoe .
“ We understand that the gentleman concerned is well known for his @ @ @ @ @ senior AFP officer who declined to be named .
“ African gangs ; falsely accusing @ @ @ @ @ au pair affair .
Mr Dutton has form.
” It is understood that the AFP @ @ @ @ @ significant resources being allocated to trying to explain metadata to Angus Taylor , who has @ @ @ @ @ phone a friend ’ and now has George Brandis QC assisting .
“ Unlike the @ @ @ @ @ only finite resources , ” said the unnamed AFP officer .
“ And we think @ @ @ @ @ be dealt with at home.
” Queensland police confirmed that they would investigate the matter @ @ @ @ @ completed and paper bags are received .

The Australian Federal Police have referred Peter Dutton to the Queensland police for ‘wasting police time’ in asking them to investigate acclaimed author Bruce Pascoe.
“We understand that the gentleman concerned is well known for his fiction,” said a senior AFP officer who declined to be named. “African gangs; falsely accusing Save the Children; that au pair affair. Mr Dutton has form.”
It is understood that the AFP is already stretched, with significant resources being allocated to trying to explain metadata to Angus Taylor, who has exercised his right to ‘phone a friend’ and now has George Brandis QC assisting.
“Unlike the planet, the AFP has only finite resources,” said the unnamed AFP officer. “And we think the Home Affairs Minister should be dealt with at home.”
Queensland police confirmed that they would investigate the matter once the relevant paperwork is completed and paper bags are received.


thechaser--2020-01-12--Editorial: We never claimed tigers eating your face was good

In recent days there has been a lot of rabble-rousing from certain biased sections of the media , from The ABC to those famously untrustworthy reporters at the New York Times , claiming that we at the Chaser were in some way in denial that tigers eating your face is a problem .
Nothing could be further from the truth .
Yes , we may have consistently run headlines across all our media channels calling people who advocate against being eaten by tigers “ crazy anti-face eating loonies ” and called the people trying to stop tigers eating our faces @ @ @ @ @ @ @ run various front page covers attacking a young girl who doesn ’ t want to have her face eaten , and yes we ’ ll admit that we may even have run a front page hit job on a Liberal minister after he spoke out and said that tigers eating our faces is a problem , but you see all of that was what we in the journalism business call balance .
You see , when two people present us with conflicting points of view , it is our job to present both @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their arguments , no matter how flimsy and transparent one side ’ s arguments may be .
That ’ s called journalism .
Take for example , tigers eating your face .
Yes , on one side pretty much every expert in the field may advocate against being eaten by tigers , but then what about the tiger lobby ?
They ’ ve informed us that in fact , it is quite safe to put your face into a tiger ’ s mouth , and shouldn ’ t those views be heard too @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t those views be given a prominent front page platform , and those that speak against it be vilified and made fun of ?
We certainly think so .
How else would people know what the truth is , if we didn ’ t constantly provide them with the counter arguments cooked up by a bunch of uninformed crackpots ?
So you see , clearly we ’ ve never once denied tigers eating your face was bad , and in fact now that a tiger is eating our face we ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the matter were right .
But how were we to know ?
For all we know those figures about all the people dying after their faces were eaten could have been missing crucial data from before 1901 .
Also , let us be clear , if we did deny the tiger-face-eating “ science ” ( which by the way , more people die from arson than tiger-face-eating so maybe we should be focusing on that ) it was only in the opinion section , and occasionally on our front page , and sometimes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ section , and also sometimes as an editorial , or 120 times in a prominent blog by one of our star writers .
How in the world you people can ’ t separate these opinion , front page , blog , and regular journalism pieces from our other regular journalism is beyond us .
In any case , for the love of god , stop unsubscribing .
We never once denied that tigers eating your face was bad , no matter what our website ’ s easily accessible search function might say .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ cancel your news corp subscription .

In recent days there has been a lot of rabble-rousing from certain biased sections of the media, from The ABC to those famously untrustworthy reporters at the New York Times, claiming that we at the Chaser were in some way in denial that tigers eating your face is a problem. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Yes, we may have consistently run headlines across all our media channels calling people who advocate against being eaten by tigers “crazy anti-face eating loonies” and called the people trying to stop tigers eating our faces hysteric, and yes we may have run various front page covers attacking a young girl who doesn’t want to have her face eaten, and yes we’ll admit that we may even have run a front page hit job on a Liberal minister after he spoke out and said that tigers eating our faces is a problem, but you see all of that was what we in the journalism business call balance.
You see, when two people present us with conflicting points of view, it is our job to present both sides, without researching the validity of their arguments, no matter how flimsy and transparent one side’s arguments may be. That’s called journalism. Take for example, tigers eating your face. Yes, on one side pretty much every expert in the field may advocate against being eaten by tigers, but then what about the tiger lobby? They’ve informed us that in fact, it is quite safe to put your face into a tiger’s mouth, and shouldn’t those views be heard too? What’s more, shouldn’t those views be given a prominent front page platform, and those that speak against it be vilified and made fun of? We certainly think so. How else would people know what the truth is, if we didn’t constantly provide them with the counter arguments cooked up by a bunch of uninformed crackpots?
So you see, clearly we’ve never once denied tigers eating your face was bad, and in fact now that a tiger is eating our face we’re willing to concede that the experts on the matter were right. But how were we to know? For all we know those figures about all the people dying after their faces were eaten could have been missing crucial data from before 1901.
Also, let us be clear, if we did deny the tiger-face-eating “science” (which by the way, more people die from arson than tiger-face-eating so maybe we should be focusing on that) it was only in the opinion section, and occasionally on our front page, and sometimes as a headline in our regular news section, and also sometimes as an editorial, or 120 times in a prominent blog by one of our star writers. How in the world you people can’t separate these opinion, front page, blog, and regular journalism pieces from our other regular journalism is beyond us.
In any case, for the love of god, stop unsubscribing. We never once denied that tigers eating your face was bad, no matter what our website’s easily accessible search function might say.
Also on a completely unrelated note, cancel your news corp subscription.


thechaser--2020-01-13--Harry and Meghan starting to wish they had just molested a teenager

Newly retired members of the Royal family and future French car crash victims Harry and Meghan Windsor have today announced plans to rejoin the royal family and just become full-time sex pests , stating that it seemed like the easier way to be stood down from royal duties without getting the cold shoulder from family and the press .
“ You know , when we said we were going to live a normal life because of all the bad press coverage , we thought maybe the press would take the hint and , you know , not make up stuff @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ but somehow this has only made things worse .
Apparently there ’ s one thing all those people who have complained about royalty love more , and that ’ s complaining about people not being royalty.
” Instead , the pair have put out a call to Kevin Spacey , asking that he host them in his US apartment for a few weeks , in the hopes that might encourage the Queen to allow them to take a back seat .
“ Hey it worked for Andrew , ” explained Meghan , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ birthday and a two hour BBC interview , while we ’ re getting harassed in the streets , so looks like sex trafficking is the dignified way out these days.
” Rumours suggest the Queen agrees , with reports that she has told palace confidants that she was upset with Harry ’ s sensible and timely resignation from Royal duties following the birth of his first child .
“ Why couldn ’ t he be more like my sister Margaret ?
” asked the Queen .
“ You know , live a circus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ purpose other than to provide salacious headlines for the ravenous press while sitting on the sidelines of the royal family with no power or purpose but never-ending responsibilities and expectations , then eventually die lonely and unfulfilled looking back at a lifetime of wasted opportunities ?
God , I can ’ t imagine what ’ s gotten into him to think living life as a commoner would be better than that.
” Asked what he thought of the outrage , Prince Harry said it was simply tabloid trash , though News Corporation ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his private texts tell a different story .

Newly retired members of the Royal family and future French car crash victims Harry and Meghan Windsor have today announced plans to rejoin the royal family and just become full-time sex pests, stating that it seemed like the easier way to be stood down from royal duties without getting the cold shoulder from family and the press.
“You know, when we said we were going to live a normal life because of all the bad press coverage, we thought maybe the press would take the hint and, you know, not make up stuff about us,” explained Harry, “but somehow this has only made things worse. Apparently there’s one thing all those people who have complained about royalty love more, and that’s complaining about people not being royalty.”
Instead, the pair have put out a call to Kevin Spacey, asking that he host them in his US apartment for a few weeks, in the hopes that might encourage the Queen to allow them to take a back seat. “Hey it worked for Andrew,” explained Meghan, “worst he got was a cancelled birthday and a two hour BBC interview, while we’re getting harassed in the streets, so looks like sex trafficking is the dignified way out these days.”
Rumours suggest the Queen agrees, with reports that she has told palace confidants that she was upset with Harry’s sensible and timely resignation from Royal duties following the birth of his first child. “Why couldn’t he be more like my sister Margaret?” asked the Queen. “You know, live a circus of a life with little to no purpose other than to provide salacious headlines for the ravenous press while sitting on the sidelines of the royal family with no power or purpose but never-ending responsibilities and expectations, then eventually die lonely and unfulfilled looking back at a lifetime of wasted opportunities? God, I can’t imagine what’s gotten into him to think living life as a commoner would be better than that.”
Asked what he thought of the outrage, Prince Harry said it was simply tabloid trash, though News Corporation’s The Sun has informed us that his private texts tell a different story.


thechaser--2020-01-14--Heartwarming: Wombat sighted leading Australians safely away from Scomo’s handshake

Australians nationwide have been overjoyed today at footage showing wombats in fire affected areas leading the public to safety after @ @ @ @ @ a handshake .
“ It was a sight to behold , ” explained one survivor @ @ @ @ @ giant chunky animal was plodding towards us , and the next minute he was blocked @ @ @ @ @ to flee to safety , the Prime Minister was reportedly blocked by the wombat , @ @ @ @ @ decide the people that enter his tunnel , and the manner in which they enter @ @ @ @ @ of the wombats were for nil , with those buried safely in the tunnels reportedly @ @ @ @ @ the Prime Minister moments later when he buried his head in the sand in the @ @ @ @ @ s complaints .

Australians nationwide have been overjoyed today at footage showing wombats in fire affected areas leading the public to safety after the Prime Minister approached for a handshake.
“It was a sight to behold,” explained one survivor, “One moment this giant chunky animal was plodding towards us, and the next minute he was blocked by a wombat.”
Attempting to flee to safety, the Prime Minister was reportedly blocked by the wombat, who declared that he would decide the people that enter his tunnel, and the manner in which they enter.
However, the efforts of the wombats were for nil, with those buried safely in the tunnels reportedly coming face to face with the Prime Minister moments later when he buried his head in the sand in the face of the public’s complaints.


thechaser--2020-01-14--Queen shows ‘no hard feelings’ by gifting Meghan a driving tour of France

The Queen of England has sought to bury the hatchet and mend the feud between her family and Meghan Markle , stating that she only wants what ’ s best for her grandson .
“ If one wants to live a life away from the royal family , that is perfectly acceptable , ” explained the Queen while polishing her royal mace , “ one is free to leave at any time one wants , CORGIES SICK HER !
Oh blast I forgot we ’ d got rid of them .
Very well owf you go then , you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Prince Harry is reportedly suspicious about the ease with which he had left the royal family , telling friends he had expected more of a push back from the family which gave the last member to resign the worst possible punishment known to an Englishman – a permanent holiday in France .
“ Grannie ’ s been awfully nice , ” explained Harry to the Sun via a private text message discussion with Meghan .
“ She even offered to pay for us to have a driving tour of the tunnels of Paris @ @ @ @ @ @ @ why she ’ s being so kind .
”

The Queen of England has sought to bury the hatchet and mend the feud between her family and Meghan Markle, stating that she only wants what’s best for her grandson. “If one wants to live a life away from the royal family, that is perfectly acceptable,” explained the Queen while polishing her royal mace, “one is free to leave at any time one wants, CORGIES SICK HER! Oh blast I forgot we’d got rid of them. Very well owf you go then, you’ll keep for now.”
However, Prince Harry is reportedly suspicious about the ease with which he had left the royal family, telling friends he had expected more of a push back from the family which gave the last member to resign the worst possible punishment known to an Englishman – a permanent holiday in France.
“Grannie’s been awfully nice,” explained Harry to the Sun via a private text message discussion with Meghan. “She even offered to pay for us to have a driving tour of the tunnels of Paris. I really don’t understand why she’s being so kind.”


thechaser--2020-01-14--Pauline Hanson launches new line of face masks to combat smoke

Breakfast TV ’ s favourite white supremacist and only senator whose IQ you have to dig for , Pauline Hanson , has today used her appearance on the Today show to reveal her brand new line of face coverings to help those affected by the bushfires .
“ I ’ ve , uh , been looken around at me uh fellow peoplesh and uh notished theys a bit harder to shee , ” explained Hanson via a Facebook post today , “ at firsht I short it warsh the jusht the shmoke from the croshes but then I notished it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thought to myshelf , I thought Pauline you have to do shomeshing , and then I looked around and I shaw one of my frensh wearing this white , full fashe mask , and I thought ‘ Pauline , you could sell theshe !
’ .
” The line of facemasks is said to contain a range of options , from the ‘ white hood ’ style popularised by Frasier Anning , to Hanson ’ s famous burqua that she wore in order to protest people wearing burquas .
“ That one ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ minutes into a rant about wind turbines causing autism .
“ I ’ ve actually added that one to my regular wardrobe .
Turns out people don ’ t spit in my food nearly as much when they can ’ t see my face .
It ’ s very strange .
Maybe we should be getting the CSIRO to be investigating that instead of wasting their time on climate nonsense .
”

Breakfast TV’s favourite white supremacist and only senator whose IQ you have to dig for, Pauline Hanson, has today used her appearance on the Today show to reveal her brand new line of face coverings to help those affected by the bushfires.
“I’ve, uh, been looken around at me uh fellow peoplesh and uh notished theys a bit harder to shee,” explained Hanson via a Facebook post today, “at firsht I short it warsh the jusht the shmoke from the croshes but then I notished it wash evewywhere!”
“Sho I thought to myshelf, I thought Pauline you have to do shomeshing, and then I looked around and I shaw one of my frensh wearing this white, full fashe mask, and I thought ‘Pauline, you could sell theshe!’.”
The line of facemasks is said to contain a range of options, from the ‘white hood’ style popularised by Frasier Anning, to Hanson’s famous burqua that she wore in order to protest people wearing burquas.
“That one’s great,” explained Hanson twelve minutes into a rant about wind turbines causing autism. “I’ve actually added that one to my regular wardrobe. Turns out people don’t spit in my food nearly as much when they can’t see my face. It’s very strange. Maybe we should be getting the CSIRO to be investigating that instead of wasting their time on climate nonsense.”


thechaser--2020-01-14--Onlookers treated for shock after witnessing Uber cyclist accidentally obey a road rule

SYDNEY , Tuesday : Ambulances have been rushed to Harris Street in Sydney today to treat a number of members of the public for shock , after a large group of onlookers reportedly witnessed a food delivery cyclist obeying a road rule .
“ I… I just can ’ t process it… it all happened so fast , ” explained one woman who saw the incident take place , “ you know one second the lights were turning red , and then next thing you know the cyclist came to a complete halt and let pedestrians cross .
We tried @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the light was red , but it was too late , he ’ d already come to a complete halt and let the opposing traffic through .
Poor guy ’ s probably going to get a two star rating.
” Reports state that the man on the bicycle then fled the scene , but only after waiting for the lights to change colour , and without even momentarily swerving onto the sidewalk or directly into the path of pedestrians in order to get a twenty second headstart on traffic .
“ It was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” said one woman who was not forced to jump to the side to make way .
“ We all just stood there expecting him to cycle into us at any moment , but eventually he just rode off in the far lane so as to not block faster moving cars .
The man was clearly not in his right mind .
”

SYDNEY, Tuesday: Ambulances have been rushed to Harris Street in Sydney today to treat a number of members of the public for shock, after a large group of onlookers reportedly witnessed a food delivery cyclist obeying a road rule.
“I… I just can’t process it… it all happened so fast,” explained one woman who saw the incident take place, “you know one second the lights were turning red, and then next thing you know the cyclist came to a complete halt and let pedestrians cross. We tried to shout, to let him know the light was red, but it was too late, he’d already come to a complete halt and let the opposing traffic through. Poor guy’s probably going to get a two star rating.”
Reports state that the man on the bicycle then fled the scene, but only after waiting for the lights to change colour, and without even momentarily swerving onto the sidewalk or directly into the path of pedestrians in order to get a twenty second headstart on traffic.
“It was chaos, nobody knew what to do,” said one woman who was not forced to jump to the side to make way. “We all just stood there expecting him to cycle into us at any moment, but eventually he just rode off in the far lane so as to not block faster moving cars. The man was clearly not in his right mind.”


thechaser--2020-01-14--Smoke affected Australians beginning to wonder if they’ll ever see sky Barnsey again

The nation of Australia is in mourning today following reports that the giant screaming spectre of Barnsey that inhabits the sky has been rushed to hospital due to excessive smoke inhalation .
Horrified crowds watched on as the 12 storey tall pub-rock singer turned techo-disco meme screamed at the top of his lungs , before disappearing completely into a thick haze of smoke .
“ I hope he ’ s doing okay up there , ” said one concerned onlooked , “ Unfortunately I heard that his local Bunnings was completely sold out of their 3 storey high K2 facemasks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a chance !
” However , doctors at the giant sky hospital say that Sky Barnsey is in a stable condition , with the ominous cowboy omen expected to make a full recovery .
“ Unfortunately we can ’ t say the same for Monty Python ’ s God from the Holy Grail , over here in ward C , ” explained a doctor , “ that guy was made completely of paper , so he went right up when the fires came through .
It ’ ll take some kind of miracle @ @ @ @ @ @ @ expect he should be back up and walking in about three days .
”

The nation of Australia is in mourning today following reports that the giant screaming spectre of Barnsey that inhabits the sky has been rushed to hospital due to excessive smoke inhalation.
Horrified crowds watched on as the 12 storey tall pub-rock singer turned techo-disco meme screamed at the top of his lungs, before disappearing completely into a thick haze of smoke. “I hope he’s doing okay up there,” said one concerned onlooked, “Unfortunately I heard that his local Bunnings was completely sold out of their 3 storey high K2 facemasks. The guy didn’t have a chance!”
However, doctors at the giant sky hospital say that Sky Barnsey is in a stable condition, with the ominous cowboy omen expected to make a full recovery. “Unfortunately we can’t say the same for Monty Python’s God from the Holy Grail, over here in ward C,” explained a doctor, “that guy was made completely of paper, so he went right up when the fires came through. It’ll take some kind of miracle for him to recover, so we expect he should be back up and walking in about three days.”


thechaser--2020-01-15--News Corp denies the existence of James Murdoch

Rupert Murdoch ’ s News Corporation has today published a late-edition editorial across their chain of propaganda websites , denying the existence of critic and board member James Murdoch .
However , the company was quick to defend against being labelled a “ James denier ” , stating that they simply believe the criticisms coming from within their own company are a natural phenomenon , unrelated to the existence of a person named James .
“ There is a lot of debate on the matter , ” said Daily Telegraph editor Jane Sociopath when asked about the existance of Rupert @ @ @ @ @ @ @ We are not saying that James ‘ doesn ’ t exist ’ we ’ re simply pointing out that a lot of people do not believe that the voice we keep hearing in editorial meetings is a person , and as such many sane , sensible , rational people simply believe we should ignore it , instead of making some grand gesture to placate the hysteric people who think James is real.
” Scientists however , are not as convinced on the matter , with many producing graphs , charts , and even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ compelling evidence that James may well exist .
“ I must say the evidence does seem to suggest that James is real , ” said one member of the UN Panel on the Existence of James Murdoch , “ not to get political , but I think it ’ s about time we acknowledged the fact.
” Asked whether he exists , James said that he believes that he does , and no amount of spin from Fox News will change that .
Meanwhile Donald Trump has today signed an executive order making @ @ @ @ @ @ @ after watching an edition of Sean Hannity where he produced many compelling graphs showing why the so-called ‘ James Murdoch ’ was a myth pushed by the left to turn children into muslim wind-turbines .

Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation has today published a late-edition editorial across their chain of propaganda websites, denying the existence of critic and board member James Murdoch. However, the company was quick to defend against being labelled a “James denier”, stating that they simply believe the criticisms coming from within their own company are a natural phenomenon, unrelated to the existence of a person named James.
“There is a lot of debate on the matter,” said Daily Telegraph editor Jane Sociopath when asked about the existance of Rupert Murdoch’s youngest son. “We are not saying that James ‘doesn’t exist’ we’re simply pointing out that a lot of people do not believe that the voice we keep hearing in editorial meetings is a person, and as such many sane, sensible, rational people simply believe we should ignore it, instead of making some grand gesture to placate the hysteric people who think James is real.”
Scientists however, are not as convinced on the matter, with many producing graphs, charts, and even photographs to show that there is very compelling evidence that James may well exist. “I must say the evidence does seem to suggest that James is real,” said one member of the UN Panel on the Existence of James Murdoch, “not to get political, but I think it’s about time we acknowledged the fact.”
Asked whether he exists, James said that he believes that he does, and no amount of spin from Fox News will change that. Meanwhile Donald Trump has today signed an executive order making the non-existance of James into law, after watching an edition of Sean Hannity where he produced many compelling graphs showing why the so-called ‘James Murdoch’ was a myth pushed by the left to turn children into muslim wind-turbines.


thechaser--2020-01-15--All Australian Open matches to now be determined by which player collapses last

The Australian Medical Association ’ s recent concerns over the welfare of Tennis players competing in Melbourne ’ s smoke haze has prompted Australian Open officials into making drastic rule changes for next week ’ s tournament , declaring that it was a new , better , and more challenging version of tennis , and that the stakes have never been so high .
Tennis Australia CEO Annette Volley announced the change at Fed Square earlier today , stating “ Melbourne ’ s air quality is putting our athletes in extreme danger , therefore we have no choice but to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ determining the winners by whoever is the last man and woman to collapse.
” “ Players will now be refused all medical treatment during play and are required to smoke a durry at each change of ends , ” annette continued .
“ We feel this will revolutionise tennis just like the Big Bash has for cricket !
” Nick Kyrgios welcomed the rule changes , stating “ everyone knows I hate tennis so if anything can get me off the court quicker I ’ m all for it !
” before collapsing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
It was later established that this was not due to smoke inhalation , but was simply caused by the fact that Kyrgios couldn ’ t be stuffed walking off the court with his own two legs .

The Australian Medical Association’s recent concerns over the welfare of Tennis players competing in Melbourne’s smoke haze has prompted Australian Open officials into making drastic rule changes for next week’s tournament, declaring that it was a new, better, and more challenging version of tennis, and that the stakes have never been so high.
Tennis Australia CEO Annette Volley announced the change at Fed Square earlier today, stating “Melbourne’s air quality is putting our athletes in extreme danger, therefore we have no choice but to abandon traditional scoring methods in favour of determining the winners by whoever is the last man and woman to collapse.”
“Players will now be refused all medical treatment during play and are required to smoke a durry at each change of ends,” annette continued. “We feel this will revolutionise tennis just like the Big Bash has for cricket!”
Nick Kyrgios welcomed the rule changes, stating “everyone knows I hate tennis so if anything can get me off the court quicker I’m all for it!” before collapsing and being taken away on a stretcher. It was later established that this was not due to smoke inhalation, but was simply caused by the fact that Kyrgios couldn’t be stuffed walking off the court with his own two legs.


thechaser--2020-01-16--Firefighters battle to save endangered ‘living fossil’ climate deniers from themselves

A crack team of firefighters has been deployed to a hidden gorge in a secret location in News Corp HQ @ @ @ @ @ of climate change deniers determined to make themselves , and the rest of the world @ @ @ @ @ is on to save the last of the so-called ‘ dinosaur columnists ’ that were @ @ @ @ @ to science in the Ruddslide of ‘ 07 , but were quickly rediscovered .
Their @ @ @ @ @ flowering ever since .
The firefighters were winched into the building and have rigged up @ @ @ @ @ the thick wood-like heads of the deniers .
Water-bombers , diverted from other emergency zones @ @ @ @ @ around the area .
Hopes are high that the species can be saved from itself @ @ @ @ @ , so the world might learn never to do this shit to itself ever again @

A crack team of firefighters has been deployed to a hidden gorge in a secret location in News Corp HQ to save a huddled group of climate change deniers determined to make themselves, and the rest of the world, extinct.
The fight is on to save the last of the so-called ‘dinosaur columnists’ that were thought to have been lost to science in the Ruddslide of ‘07, but were quickly rediscovered. Their massive malodorous flowers have been flowering ever since.
The firefighters were winched into the building and have rigged up an irrigation system to douse the thick wood-like heads of the deniers. Water-bombers, diverted from other emergency zones, are dropping IPCC reports around the area.
Hopes are high that the species can be saved from itself and preserved for future study, so the world might learn never to do this shit to itself ever again.


thechaser--2020-01-17--EB Games solemnly begins 12 year closing down sale

The EB Games franchise has today begun the process of removing their permanent sale banners at their flagship stores across @ @ @ @ @ to erect the new line of “ closing down sale ” banners that will cover @ @ @ @ @ ten to twelve years .
“ Everything must go… more than usual , ” read @ @ @ @ @ such store .
“ All stock 50 % off the regular 50 % off price.
@ @ @ @ @ incredulous about the supposed bargains , stating that this was likely just another marketing tactic @ @ @ @ @ to have been in sales mode since 1998 .
“ I ’ m not getting @ @ @ @ @ the ‘ man screaming with bright red text flashing up on screen ’ level of @ @ @ @ @ gamer walking past an EB store .
“ Now if you ’ ll excuse me @ @ @ @ @ buy a rug .
I heard the local dealer is having some kind of sale @ @ @ @ @ t want to miss it .
”

The EB Games franchise has today begun the process of removing their permanent sale banners at their flagship stores across the country, in order to erect the new line of “closing down sale” banners that will cover their stores for the next ten to twelve years.
“Everything must go… more than usual,” read the new banners across one such store. “All stock 50% off the regular 50% off price.”
However, customers were incredulous about the supposed bargains, stating that this was likely just another marketing tactic for the company which seems to have been in sales mode since 1998. “I’m not getting excited until they get to the ‘man screaming with bright red text flashing up on screen’ level of sales,” said on gamer walking past an EB store. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go buy a rug. I heard the local dealer is having some kind of sale, and I don’t want to miss it.”


thechaser--2020-01-17--Bridget McKenzie offers AFP a $100,000 sports grant if they drop corruption charges

Deputy Nationals leader , and reason number 2047 that we need a federal ICAC , Bridget McKenzie has today had all charges of corruption against her dropped by the federal police , following a mysterious $ 100,000 grant was made to the AFP to upgrade their sporting facilities .
“ We uh , we don ’ t see any corruption here , ” explained the AFP ’ s chief commissioner today before wiping his brow with a $ 100 note .
“ Bridget has explained to us very clearly over a $ 1500 lunch exactly how these electorates were in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ idea that the Mossman Rowing Clubhouse didn ’ t even have a gold-plated toilet .
Can you imagine the strain that must have put on the community ?
” Asked for comment , senator McKenzie said that she was glad to put the whole incident behind her .
“ I ’ m glad my innocence has been proven , I never once sought to bribe anyone to win votes , ” she explained .
“ Now if you ’ ll excuse me , I have to oversee the construction of a new tennis @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I mean electorate .
”

Deputy Nationals leader, and reason number 2047 that we need a federal ICAC, Bridget McKenzie has today had all charges of corruption against her dropped by the federal police, following a mysterious $100,000 grant was made to the AFP to upgrade their sporting facilities.
“We uh, we don’t see any corruption here,” explained the AFP’s chief commissioner today before wiping his brow with a $100 note. “Bridget has explained to us very clearly over a $1500 lunch exactly how these electorates were in need of upgrades. We had no idea that the Mossman Rowing Clubhouse didn’t even have a gold-plated toilet. Can you imagine the strain that must have put on the community?”
Asked for comment, senator McKenzie said that she was glad to put the whole incident behind her. “I’m glad my innocence has been proven, I never once sought to bribe anyone to win votes,” she explained. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to oversee the construction of a new tennis court in Gina Rineheart’s backyard, I mean electorate.”


thechaser--2020-01-17--US Senate votes to impeach Joe Biden

US Senate votes to impeach Joe Biden

Republicans in the US Senate have today handed down a unanimous verdict in the ongoing trial of President Trump over the Ukraine bribery scandal .
Voting late Thursday , Republicans declared that “ enough was enough ” and voted 53-0 to impeach Joe Biden .
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell adopted a sombre tone in announcing the decision , the first time in US history a non-sitting President has been impeached .
“ The man has no place in public office , ” declared McConnell .
“ Fondling women , conspiring with Ukraine , not to mention the fact that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Asked what he thought about the fact that President Trump had also admitted on tape to molesting women , conspiring with Ukraine and is clearly suffering from dementia , McConnell explained that Trump is Republican , which makes it okay .
The vote went along party lines , with Democratic leader , Nancy Pelosi , responding with a short statement : “ You ’ ve got to be f*** kidding me.
” President Trump celebrated the decision by tweeting a photoshopped image of Mr Biden kissing the rear of a donkey superimposed with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the senate have praised the move as “ extremely Presidential ” and moved a motion to remove the term limit so Trump can stay in office forever .

Republicans in the US Senate have today handed down a unanimous verdict in the ongoing trial of President Trump over the Ukraine bribery scandal. Voting late Thursday, Republicans declared that “enough was enough” and voted 53-0 to impeach Joe Biden.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell adopted a sombre tone in announcing the decision, the first time in US history a non-sitting President has been impeached.
“The man has no place in public office,” declared McConnell. “Fondling women, conspiring with Ukraine, not to mention the fact that he’s clearly going senile.”
Asked what he thought about the fact that President Trump had also admitted on tape to molesting women, conspiring with Ukraine and is clearly suffering from dementia, McConnell explained that Trump is Republican, which makes it okay.
The vote went along party lines, with Democratic leader, Nancy Pelosi, responding with a short statement: “You’ve got to be f*** kidding me.”
President Trump celebrated the decision by tweeting a photoshopped image of Mr Biden kissing the rear of a donkey superimposed with Mr Trump’s head. Republicans in the senate have praised the move as “extremely Presidential” and moved a motion to remove the term limit so Trump can stay in office forever.


thechaser--2020-01-17--Mosman Rowers ‘pretty confident’ about getting Bushfire Recovery grant

News that the Morrison government would be putting $ 2 billion into bushfire recovery was greeted with three cheers at the Mosman Rowing Club , who are ‘ pretty confident ’ they ’ ll get a grant .
“ It got so smoky here one day in Sydney that one of our quad skulls hit our eight , ” said Squadron Captain Charles Smith .
“ And those things cost a pretty penny , so we ’ ll definitely be applying.
” Smith says it has been a particularly hard time for the club to fundraise for the repairs .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ cuts most of our members went to Europe for our summer , so it ’ s like a ghost town around here.
” The Mosman Rowing Club , who recently received the top grant possible , $ 500,000 , in through the government ’ s Community Sports Infrastructure Grant program , denied that the application process for such grants was hard work .
“ I saw a lot of the losing parties complaining about the paperwork , but we didn ’ t find it hard at all , ” said Smith sitting in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ All we did was sign the forms and somebody in Tony Abbott ’ s office did the rest for us.
” After successfully handling the Community Sports Infrastructure Grants , Former Sports Minister Bridget McKenzie has been given the job of ensuring the Morrison government ’ s $ 2 billion bushfire recovery fund gets to ‘ the right places ’ .
“ It ’ s just such a tragic waste , ” said Ms McKenzie staring at a map of the bushfire devastation across Australia .
“ So many of these fires didn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
We may end up with money left over.
” Back at the Mosman Rowing Club Captain Smith dismissed claims that they were insensitive to the real victims of the fires .
“ That ’ s not true at all , we just held a sausage sizzle to raise money for the RFS last week , ” he protests .
“ After we paid for the organic sausages and sourdough costs we did make a slight loss , but I ’ m not even going to ask the RFS to cover that shortfall @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spirit when a tragedy hits.
” As for those who has lost their houses to fires Captain Smith has some advice .
“ Just get in contact with your local Liberal MP , they ’ ll help you out.
” And for those who don ’ t live in Liberal electorates ?
“ I just don ’ t know .
One of our members just lost a holiday house in a Labor electorate and I ’ m buggered if I know what to tell him .
”

News that the Morrison government would be putting $2 billion into bushfire recovery was greeted with three cheers at the Mosman Rowing Club, who are ‘pretty confident’ they’ll get a grant.
“It got so smoky here one day in Sydney that one of our quad skulls hit our eight,” said Squadron Captain Charles Smith. “And those things cost a pretty penny, so we’ll definitely be applying.”
Smith says it has been a particularly hard time for the club to fundraise for the repairs.
“After Scott Morrison’s tax cuts most of our members went to Europe for our summer, so it’s like a ghost town around here.”
The Mosman Rowing Club, who recently received the top grant possible, $500,000, in through the government’s Community Sports Infrastructure Grant program, denied that the application process for such grants was hard work.
“I saw a lot of the losing parties complaining about the paperwork, but we didn’t find it hard at all,” said Smith sitting in his office overlooking the harbour. “All we did was sign the forms and somebody in Tony Abbott’s office did the rest for us.”
After successfully handling the Community Sports Infrastructure Grants, Former Sports Minister Bridget McKenzie has been given the job of ensuring the Morrison government’s $2 billion bushfire recovery fund gets to ‘the right places’.
“It’s just such a tragic waste,” said Ms McKenzie staring at a map of the bushfire devastation across Australia. “So many of these fires didn’t make it to Liberal electorates. We may end up with money left over.”
Back at the Mosman Rowing Club Captain Smith dismissed claims that they were insensitive to the real victims of the fires.
“That’s not true at all, we just held a sausage sizzle to raise money for the RFS last week,” he protests. “After we paid for the organic sausages and sourdough costs we did make a slight loss, but I’m not even going to ask the RFS to cover that shortfall. That’s just the Australian spirit when a tragedy hits.”
As for those who has lost their houses to fires Captain Smith has some advice.
“Just get in contact with your local Liberal MP, they’ll help you out.”
And for those who don’t live in Liberal electorates?
“I just don’t know. One of our members just lost a holiday house in a Labor electorate and I’m buggered if I know what to tell him.”


thechaser--2020-01-18--Mosman Rowing Club donates paddle to assist Bridget McKenzie escape shit creek

The Mosman Rowing Club has today donated one paddle out of their $ 650,000 annual surplus to assist the Minister for Slushfunds Bridget McKenzie who was this week caught doing exactly what you ’ d expect a National ’ s leader to do at this point if we ’ re being honest .
“ Look I don ’ t know what you ’ re all complaining about , ” McKenzie told critics calling for her resignation , “ I haven ’ t shagged a single staffer and I haven ’ t given out a single dodgy water contract , frankly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fiddling with the books to win an election is an improvement on past Nationals leaders.
” However , the public were not convinced with local sporting bodies concerned this would become common practice if an example were not made of McKenzie .
“ If she get ’ s away with this , what ’ s next ?
” asked one concerned community member .
“ MPs handing out free visas to their mates nannies ?
Ex-politicians setting up software companies that mysteriously win all the government contracts and then use the money they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that awarded the contracts ?
Coal lobbyists being given senior staffing positions in government , and retiring government ministers given lucrative jobs on the boards of coal companies ?
Ex-Prime Minister ’ s chiefs of staff being given prime-time TV slots by an international propaganda network set up by a billionaire who openly seeks to skew elections ?
MPs rorting travel entitlements to book helicopters to private fundraisers or personal holidays ?
Senior ministers holding back evidence from AFP corruption enquiries ?
Ministers being given free holidays by travel companies only weeks before @ @ @ @ @ @ @ government contract ?
Prime Minister ’ s awarding multi-million dollar environmental grants without oversight to small companies with no previous track record in the field ?
Ministers charging thousands of dollars in entitlements for their internet bills despite internet costing far less , and only being asked to pay the money back after being caught ?
Deputy Prime Ministers campaigning for ‘ traditional marriage values ’ while secretly cheating on their wives with a staffer , then getting the staffer pregnant , covering it up to win an election , and then denying @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dollar contracts to shady beach shacks in the Cayman Islands which may have links to their family members ?
The goverment awarding $ 30 million to a private media company that actively endorses them to broadcast sport instead of the national broadcaster which was already doing that , and then not requiring any accountability about where the money was spent ?
Ministers giving $ 500,000 to a private rowing club in a marginal electorate despite that club already being $ 120,000 in surplus ?
Ministers giving out a $ 2.2 million contract intended @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tender to an organisation linked to an ex-party candidate despite the company charging twice the market rate ?
Or maybe party members rolling a sitting Prime Minister because his actions weren ’ t pleasing a billionaire newspaper magnate and some of his mining friends .
God , could you imagine living in that world ?
” “ Thank god we have a Federal ICAC to deal with these things .
”

The Mosman Rowing Club has today donated one paddle out of their $650,000 annual surplus to assist the Minister for Slushfunds Bridget McKenzie who was this week caught doing exactly what you’d expect a National’s leader to do at this point if we’re being honest.
“Look I don’t know what you’re all complaining about,” McKenzie told critics calling for her resignation, “I haven’t shagged a single staffer and I haven’t given out a single dodgy water contract, frankly on the scale of things a little fiddling with the books to win an election is an improvement on past Nationals leaders.”
However, the public were not convinced with local sporting bodies concerned this would become common practice if an example were not made of McKenzie. “If she get’s away with this, what’s next?” asked one concerned community member. “MPs handing out free visas to their mates nannies? Ex-politicians setting up software companies that mysteriously win all the government contracts and then use the money they earn to donate back to the party that awarded the contracts? Coal lobbyists being given senior staffing positions in government, and retiring government ministers given lucrative jobs on the boards of coal companies? Ex-Prime Minister’s chiefs of staff being given prime-time TV slots by an international propaganda network set up by a billionaire who openly seeks to skew elections? MPs rorting travel entitlements to book helicopters to private fundraisers or personal holidays? Senior ministers holding back evidence from AFP corruption enquiries? Ministers being given free holidays by travel companies only weeks before awarding that same company a billion dollar government contract? Prime Ministers awarding multi-million dollar environmental grants without oversight to small companies with no previous track record in the field? Ministers charging thousands of dollars in entitlements for their internet bills despite internet costing far less, and only being asked to pay the money back after being caught? Deputy Prime Ministers campaigning for ‘traditional marriage values’ while secretly cheating on their wives with a staffer, then getting the staffer pregnant, covering it up to win an election, and then denying being the father? Ministers awarding multi-million dollar contracts to shady beach shacks in the Cayman Islands which may have links to their family members? The government awarding $30 million to a private media company that actively endorses them to broadcast sport instead of the national broadcaster which was already doing that, and then not requiring any accountability about where the money was spent? Ministers giving $500,000 to a private rowing club in a marginal electorate despite that club already being $120,000 in surplus? Ministers giving out a $2.2 million contract intended for health services in remote communities without tender to an organisation linked to an ex-party candidate despite the company charging twice the market rate? Ministers faking financial documents to smear a political rival and refusing to admit it when caught. Or maybe party members rolling a sitting Prime Minister because his actions weren’t pleasing a billionaire newspaper magnate and some of his mining friends. God, could you imagine living in that world?”
“Thank god we have a Federal ICAC to deal with these things.”


thechaser--2020-01-18--Australia vows to fight climate change after Wiggles added to endangered list

Australia has today gone 100 % carbon neutral for the first time in history , after the entire nation opted out of using oil and gas for the first time following news that climate change is now threatening the Wiggles .
“ When it was the Koalas going extinct , I was sad but not enough to do anything , ” said one man riding to the shops today .
“ And then when the news hit that sudden floods meant crocodiles were getting loose from Australia ’ s Reptile Park in some kind of weird Jurrasic Park parallel , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them , those crocs probably should have been free anyway .
But then when I heard the news that one of the Wiggles had suffered a heart attack at a bushfire benefit concert , well that was it for me .
Those Wiggles were more parents to me than my actual parents .
I ’ ll be damned if I ’ m going to sit by and let big coal take them away from me.
” However , not everyone is on board , with The Australian running a front page story calling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just staged the heart-attack in order to get the venue bulldozed and replaced with a high-speed rail .
“ We always knew that green Wiggle was up to no good.
” Informed that there is not , in fact , a green Wiggle , the Australian ran a full page editorial denying that they had ever said there was a green wiggle , before accusing the ABC of making things up to suit their children ’ s programming agenda .

Australia has today gone 100% carbon neutral for the first time in history, after the entire nation opted out of using oil and gas for the first time following news that climate change is now threatening the Wiggles.
“When it was the Koalas going extinct, I was sad but not enough to do anything,” said one man riding to the shops today. “And then when the news hit that sudden floods meant crocodiles were getting loose from Australia’s Reptile Park in some kind of weird Jurrasic Park parallel, well I though, more power to them, those crocs probably should have been free anyway. But then when I heard the news that one of the Wiggles had suffered a heart attack at a bushfire benefit concert, well that was it for me. Those Wiggles were more parents to me than my actual parents. I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit by and let big coal take them away from me.”
However, not everyone is on board, with The Australian running a front page story calling the Wiggles left-wing hypochondriacs, who probably just staged the heart-attack in order to get the venue bulldozed and replaced with a high-speed rail. “We always knew that green Wiggle was up to no good.”
Informed that there is not, in fact, a green Wiggle, the Australian ran a full page editorial denying that they had ever said there was a green wiggle, before accusing the ABC of making things up to suit their children’s programming agenda.