thechaser--2020-03-12--Kevin Bacon isolated to avoid spread of Coronavirus in Hollywood

Hollywood actor Kevin Bacon has today been forcefully placed into isolation as a precaution against the spread of Coronavirus on the United State ’ s West Coast .
Authorities say that Bacon has been scientifically proven to be the vector for almost all disease between Los Angeles ’ rich and famous , with the actor being described as connected to almost every famous celebrity by a factor of just six degrees .
This is not the first time the actor has had to be placed into precautionary isolation , with Bacon also having been considered at high risk of catching @ @ @ @ @ @ @ standing in front of a wall covered in red string , scientists investigating the risk of contagion say they are yet to find a single actor who has not recently come into contact with Kevin Bacon .
“ He ’ s like some kind of bizarre omnipresence , ” explained the scientist .
“ Literally ask anyone on the street and they ’ ll say they know a guy , who knows a guy , who knows a guy , who knows a guy , who knows a guy who shook hands with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t get this under control soon the whole of Hollywood may be wiped out , leaving only the East Coast to produce their terrible media , like those godawful Riverdale adaptations by the CW.
” “ Frankly if that ’ s the future we ’ re looking forward to , then sign me up to the virus.
” UPDATE : Actor Sean Bean has also been placed into isolation for his own safety , despite not having contracted the virus .

Hollywood actor Kevin Bacon has today been forcefully placed into isolation as a precaution against the spread of Coronavirus on the United State’s West Coast. Authorities say that Bacon has been scientifically proven to be the vector for almost all disease between Los Angeles’ rich and famous, with the actor being described as connected to almost every famous celebrity by a factor of just six degrees.
This is not the first time the actor has had to be placed into precautionary isolation, with Bacon also having been considered at high risk of catching Swine Flu.
Seen with frazzled hair standing in front of a wall covered in red string, scientists investigating the risk of contagion say they are yet to find a single actor who has not recently come into contact with Kevin Bacon. “He’s like some kind of bizarre omnipresence,” explained the scientist. “Literally ask anyone on the street and they’ll say they know a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy who shook hands with Kevin Bacon. If we don’t get this under control soon the whole of Hollywood may be wiped out, leaving only the East Coast to produce their terrible media, like those godawful Riverdale adaptations by the CW.”
“Frankly if that’s the future we’re looking forward to, then sign me up to the virus.”
UPDATE: Actor Sean Bean has also been placed into isolation for his own safety, despite not having contracted the virus.


thechaser--2020-03-12--NSW praised for acting quickly on Corona by shutting down all public events 5 years before outbreak

The Berejiklian government has today been praised for their foresight by the World Health Organisation for their foresight in shutting down all public events long before coronavirus was even a thing .
“ It was incredible foresight , ” said one doctor from the WHO panel , “ the streets of Sydney are bare , nobody wants to use public transport , and all big events have already been shut down .
It seems like New South Wales might be the most prepared place in the entire world for the ourbreak of a pandemic.
” However , the NSW government @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what this ‘ coronavirus ’ thing is that everyone ’ s talking about .
“ Huh , virus ?
What ?
Oh no sorry we ’ re still focused on the floods and bushfires , I didn ’ t even know there was a virus going round , ” said Premier Berejiklian today .
“ Good thing I thought to wear a facemask today then isn ’ t it !
I was just wearing it in case one of those ravers decided to smoke a weed somewhere near me and it got into @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Upon hearing about the World Health Organisation praise , members of NSW parliament were said to cheer loudly in celebration , before being raided by police for noise complaints .

The Berejiklian government has today been praised for their foresight by the World Health Organisation for their foresight in shutting down all public events long before coronavirus was even a thing.
“It was incredible foresight,” said one doctor from the WHO panel, “the streets of Sydney are bare, nobody wants to use public transport, and all big events have already been shut down. It seems like New South Wales might be the most prepared place in the entire world for the ourbreak of a pandemic.”
However, the NSW government was confused at the praise, asking what this ‘coronavirus’ thing is that everyone’s talking about. “Huh, virus? What? Oh no sorry we’re still focused on the floods and bushfires, I didn’t even know there was a virus going round,” said Premier Berejiklian today. “Good thing I thought to wear a facemask today then isn’t it! I was just wearing it in case one of those ravers decided to smoke a weed somewhere near me and it got into my lungs and killed me instantly.”
Upon hearing about the World Health Organisation praise, members of NSW parliament were said to cheer loudly in celebration, before being raided by police for noise complaints.


thechaser--2020-03-12--North Sydney residents delighted as Prime Minister announces regional coronavirus fund

Residents of Sydney ’ s North Shore have been delighted today to learn that they will be able to finally afford that Gazebo out the back of their two story mansions after the government announced regional Australians will be eligible for a special coronavirus stimulus fund .
As the resident of the newly regionally zoned North Sydney , resident Richard Epsworth III says he ’ s glad that the struggles of those living in inner-outer-city are being recognised by the government .
“ You know , even before we were classified as regional , I ’ ve always considered myself @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” explained Richard .
“ After all , I come from three generations of thoroughbred horse owners , even my daughter has her own pony that we keep in our stables down in the third level of the garden .
So we ’ ve always been in the livestock business.
” “ And yes , I ’ ll admit it ’ s been tough for us regional types the last few years , what with the water shortages meaning we can ’ t even water the rose bushes between 9am to 5pm .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ understand what that ’ s like.
” Asked what he will be spending his regional stimulus money on , Richard says he will be investing the money the government gives him back into local businesses to help them through these tough times .
“ Yes I ’ ve always been all about supporting the small local businesses , ” explained Richard .
“ from Optus to Crown Casino , I ’ ve bought shares in a range of local operators , and I ’ m sure they ’ ll appreciate my capital investment @ @ @ @ @ @

Residents of Sydney’s North Shore have been delighted today to learn that they will be able to finally afford that Gazebo out the back of their two story mansions after the government announced regional Australians will be eligible for a special coronavirus stimulus fund.
As the resident of the newly regionally zoned North Sydney, resident Richard Epsworth III says he’s glad that the struggles of those living in inner-outer-city are being recognised by the government. “You know, even before we were classified as regional, I’ve always considered myself to be something of a farmer,” explained Richard. “After all, I come from three generations of thoroughbred horse owners, even my daughter has her own pony that we keep in our stables down in the third level of the garden. So we’ve always been in the livestock business.”
“And yes, I’ll admit it’s been tough for us regional types the last few years, what with the water shortages meaning we can’t even water the rose bushes between 9am to 5pm. Those inner-city apartment dwellers wouldn’t understand what that’s like.”
Asked what he will be spending his regional stimulus money on, Richard says he will be investing the money the government gives him back into local businesses to help them through these tough times. “Yes I’ve always been all about supporting the small local businesses,” explained Richard. “from Optus to Crown Casino, I’ve bought shares in a range of local operators, and I’m sure they’ll appreciate my capital investment over the next quarter.”
Image courtesy Adam.J.W.C./Wikipedia, under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.5 Generic license


thechaser--2020-03-12--Local man questions faith in God after learning Tom Hanks is first celebrity to contract Coronavirus

Religious followers from around the world have been thrown into a crisis of faith this afternoon after Tom Hanks , the world ’ s only truly good celebrity was the first to contract the coronavirus .
“ Why god why , anyone but Tom Hanks !
?
” the Pope was heard weeping in his chambers today .
“ You had the choices from Chris Brown to Kevin Spacey and you chose Tom Freaking Hanks of all people to give this virus to ?
God are you even out there ?
Why not one of the horrible jerks like Drake @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an Olsen twin , we ’ ve got plenty of those to spare !
” “ Are you seriously saying that Logan Paul is in the age group that ’ s immune to the virus , but that we might lose Betty White ?
” asked another confused Christian this afternoon .
“ I know God moves in mysterious ways , but I ’ m really struggling to see how this one is for the greater good.
” However , God was not swayed with the prayers , stating that he ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Do you mean to tell me this guy has been a world famous A-list actor for over 30 years and hasn ’ t once shouted at a secretary or used his fame to crack onto a fan ?
I dunno man , he just seems too good to be true , something must be up .
I mean remember thirty years ago when everyone thought Michael Jackson was the most pure and generous guy to ever live and that Sinéad O ’ Connor was a monster ?
Well I ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ learned you ’ ve always got ta suspect the good ones , and I ’ ve decided to take him out before it comes out that he secretly votes Republican and it ruins him for everyone .
”

Religious followers from around the world have been thrown into a crisis of faith this afternoon after Tom Hanks, the world’s only truly good celebrity was the first to contract the coronavirus.
“Why god why, anyone but Tom Hanks!?” the Pope was heard weeping in his chambers today. “You had the choices from Chris Brown to Kevin Spacey and you chose Tom Freaking Hanks of all people to give this virus to? God are you even out there? Why not one of the horrible jerks like Drake or Gwyneth Paltrow, or maybe just an Olsen twin, we’ve got plenty of those to spare!”
“Are you seriously saying that Logan Paul is in the age group that’s immune to the virus, but that we might lose Betty White?” asked another confused Christian this afternoon. “I know God moves in mysterious ways, but I’m really struggling to see how this one is for the greater good.”
However, God was not swayed with the prayers, stating that he’s just been very suspicious about Tom Hanks. “Do you mean to tell me this guy has been a world famous A-list actor for over 30 years and hasn’t once shouted at a secretary or used his fame to crack onto a fan? I dunno man, he just seems too good to be true, something must be up. I mean remember thirty years ago when everyone thought Michael Jackson was the most pure and generous guy to ever live and that Sinéad O’Connor was a monster? Well I’ve been around enough Millenia now to have learned you’ve always gotta suspect the good ones, and I’ve decided to take him out before it comes out that he secretly votes Republican and it ruins him for everyone.”


thechaser--2020-03-12--Heartbreaking: Wilson from Castaway diagnosed with Coronavirus

Film fans around the world have been devastated today to learn that Wilson , the Oscar winning beachball from the castaway movies , has contracted Coronavirus after being placed into isolation with Tom Hanks .
The beachball , who had been placed on a deserted island with Hanks to keep him company , is believed to be the first case of human-to-sports-equiment contagion and is expected to wreak havock with all other sports which involve passing a ball from person to person .
The Hollywood Union for Inanimate Objects Which Outperform Their Castmates have called for the public to not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ against inanimate objects .
“ Already we see a lot of our clients being picked on in Hollwood by people who think acting roles should only go to humans , ” said one agent for the company , “ the last thing we need is people trying to take away from the already limited jobs available to people like the Toaster from Ghostbusters 2 , Annabelle from Annabelle , or the Wooden Keanu Reeves from any of his non-action roles.
” Upon hearing the news , Hanks was heard to scream “ Wiiiiilllllsssssooooooonnnnnnn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Oscar , which has now also contracted coronavirus .

Film fans around the world have been devastated today to learn that Wilson, the Oscar winning beachball from the castaway movies, has contracted Coronavirus after being placed into isolation with Tom Hanks.
The beachball, who had been placed on a deserted island with Hanks to keep him company, is believed to be the first case of human-to-sports-equiment contagion and is expected to wreak havock with all other sports which involve passing a ball from person to person.
The Hollywood Union for Inanimate Objects Which Outperform Their Castmates have called for the public to not use this recent contagion to justify prejudice against inanimate objects. “Already we see a lot of our clients being picked on in Hollwood by people who think acting roles should only go to humans,” said one agent for the company, “the last thing we need is people trying to take away from the already limited jobs available to people like the Toaster from Ghostbusters 2, Annabelle from Annabelle, or the Wooden Keanu Reeves from any of his non-action roles.”
Upon hearing the news, Hanks was heard to scream “Wiiiiilllllsssssooooooonnnnnnn!” before immediately being handed an Oscar, which has now also contracted coronavirus.


thechaser--2020-03-11--White House reassures public: “The President is not in control”

In a world overrun with bad news , some good news from The White House today , after it issued @ @ @ @ @ the coronavirus crisis yet , stating that “ President Trump is not in control of @ @ @ @ @ ’ s coronavirus response.
” The statement went on to distance The White House from @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve heard of the guy .
Maybe met him once or twice .
We @ @ @ @ @ a short time .
But he played a very limited role , ” the statement @ @ @ @ @ on to say “ We had a falling out with him a while ago .
@ @ @ @ @ of him , we can tell you.
” The statement comes after a series of @ @ @ @ @ the virus was less of a threat than the seasonal flu .
Ever since then @ @ @ @ @ reportedly been urging Trump to embark on a “ handshake tour ” of the affected @ @ @ @ @ ll be a great photo opportunity , ” they told Mr Trump .

In a world overrun with bad news, some good news from The White House today, after it issued its most reassuring statement about the coronavirus crisis yet, stating that “President Trump is not in control of any aspect of the Government’s coronavirus response.”
The statement went on to distance The White House from President Trump. “We’ve heard of the guy. Maybe met him once or twice. We think he worked here for a short time. But he played a very limited role,” the statement said.
The statement went on to say “We had a falling out with him a while ago. We were not a fan of him, we can tell you.”
The statement comes after a series of statements by President Trump implying the virus was less of a threat than the seasonal flu. Ever since then, White House officials have reportedly been urging Trump to embark on a “handshake tour” of the affected areas. “It’ll be a great photo opportunity,” they told Mr Trump.


thechaser--2020-03-11--Morrison says no need to act on Covid-19 as Australia only contributes 1% of infections

Scott Morrison has said Australia was opting out of responding to the coronavirus threat sweeping the world after figures showed that Australia ’ s total contribution to the crisis was less than 1 % of infections .
“ There are over 7 billion people in the world , and only 25 million people in Australia .
No matter what we do , our response will only ever be a small overall contribution to the problem , so we ’ ve made the decision to just ignore it , ” he told stunned reporters .
Mr Morrison instead announced that he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a target of reducing infections by 50 % by 2030 .
He said that he was counting previous inflections of coronavirus , including SARS and MERS in the figures to meet that target .
Insiders say that Mr Morrison has been frustrated in recent days that he can ’ t go on his planned “ handshaking tour ” of infected regions of Australia .
“ This crisis fucking sucks , ” he apparently told staff .
“ There are no photo opportunties at all.
” Meanwhile Attorney-General Christian Porter who yesterday said casual @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” during the crisis clarified his statement .
He said that struggling families in casual jobs could dip into whatever portfolio suited them .
“ Look — it doesn ’ t have to be their cash savings .
They could sell off a house or two in their property investment portfolio , or divest some of the stocks in their sharemarket portfolio , or even offload some of their offshore hedge fund holdings if they ’ re really desperate .
I don ’ t understand why everyone is getting so mad at me @ @

Morrison says no need to act on Covid-19 as Australia only contributes 1% of infections
Scott Morrison has said Australia was opting out of responding to the coronavirus threat sweeping the world after figures showed that Australia’s total contribution to the crisis was less than 1% of infections.
“There are over 7 billion people in the world, and only 25 million people in Australia. No matter what we do, our response will only ever be a small overall contribution to the problem, so we’ve made the decision to just ignore it,” he told stunned reporters.
Mr Morrison instead announced that he was “on track” to meet a target of reducing infections by 50% by 2030. He said that he was counting previous inflections of coronavirus, including SARS and MERS in the figures to meet that target.
Insiders say that Mr Morrison has been frustrated in recent days that he can’t go on his planned “handshaking tour” of infected regions of Australia. “This crisis fucking sucks,” he apparently told staff. “There are no photo opportunties at all.”
Meanwhile Attorney-General Christian Porter who yesterday said casual employees to “dip into their savings” during the crisis clarified his statement. He said that struggling families in casual jobs could dip into whatever portfolio suited them. “Look — it doesn’t have to be their cash savings. They could sell off a house or two in their property investment portfolio, or divest some of the stocks in their sharemarket portfolio, or even offload some of their offshore hedge fund holdings if they’re really desperate. I don’t understand why everyone is getting so mad at me.”


thechaser--2020-03-10--Government unveils wide-reaching plan to blame everything on coronavirus

Prime Minister Scott Morrison this morning unveiled a sweeping package to deal with the coronavirus , announcing that henceforth every government cock-up would be blamed on the coronavirus .
“ This crisis is the perfect excuse for everything , ” Mr Morrison told reporters with glee .
Mr Morrison said its incompetent handling of the sluggish economy , its breath-taking incompetence and corrupt self-dealing were all now the coronavirus ’ s fault , although the Labor Party was also to blame .
“ And the Greens , ” he added .
“ Most importantly , ” Mr Morrison told reporters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for anything — that ’ s the coronavirus ’ s fault.
” When asked whether the plan went into addressing what to actually do about the coronavirus itself , Mr Morrison said it didn ’ t , but he blamed the current crisis .
“ We haven ’ t had time to address the public health issues raised by the coronavirus yet .
We ’ ve been too busy working on this plan to think about that at all.
” Mr Morrison said it was a welcome relief to finally have something to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Sure , the economy was falling off a cliff months before coronavirus , but in many ways , that ’ s the coronavirus ’ s fault for not being around earlier.
” The far reaching plan was the result of weeks of intensive planning by bureaucrats across all government departments .
When asked whether it was appropriate for bureaucrats to prepare what is essentially a political plan to prop up the Liberal Party , Mr Morrison dismissed the concerns , blaming the inappropriate overlap on the coronavirus .
“ In a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ blurred .
If it weren ’ t for the coronavirus , it would never have happened.
” Mr Morrison said he wished the virus had been around years ago .
“ I wish I ’ d had something like this after I ’ d launched the Where the Bloody Hell Are You ?
campaign.
” Meanwhile , Mr Morrison said accusations made by his wife that he had forgotten to pick up milk on the way home last night were totally false .
“ The coronavirus is to blame , ” he said @

Prime Minister Scott Morrison this morning unveiled a sweeping package to deal with the coronavirus, announcing that henceforth every government cock-up would be blamed on the coronavirus.
“This crisis is the perfect excuse for everything,” Mr Morrison told reporters with glee. Mr Morrison said its incompetent handling of the sluggish economy, its breath-taking incompetence and corrupt self-dealing were all now the coronavirus’s fault, although the Labor Party was also to blame. “And the Greens,” he added.
“Most importantly,” Mr Morrison told reporters, “our inability to take responsibility for anything — that’s the coronavirus’s fault.”
When asked whether the plan went into addressing what to actually do about the coronavirus itself, Mr Morrison said it didn’t, but he blamed the current crisis. “We haven’t had time to address the public health issues raised by the coronavirus yet. We’ve been too busy working on this plan to think about that at all.”
Mr Morrison said it was a welcome relief to finally have something to new to blame for the sluggish economy. “Sure, the economy was falling off a cliff months before coronavirus, but in many ways, that’s the coronavirus’s fault for not being around earlier.”
The far reaching plan was the result of weeks of intensive planning by bureaucrats across all government departments. When asked whether it was appropriate for bureaucrats to prepare what is essentially a political plan to prop up the Liberal Party, Mr Morrison dismissed the concerns, blaming the inappropriate overlap on the coronavirus. “In a time of crisis, these things get blurred. If it weren’t for the coronavirus, it would never have happened.”
Mr Morrison said he wished the virus had been around years ago. “I wish I’d had something like this after I’d launched the Where the Bloody Hell Are You? campaign.”
Meanwhile, Mr Morrison said accusations made by his wife that he had forgotten to pick up milk on the way home last night were totally false. “The coronavirus is to blame,” he said.


thechaser--2020-03-10--Calls for Boris Johnson to meet with health minister again

Following news British Health Minister Nadine Dorries has been diagnosed with Covid-19 , there have been widespread calls for Johnson @ @ @ @ @ highly infectious cabinet colleague .
Johnson ’ s advisors told The Chaser overnight that Johnson @ @ @ @ @ the coronavirus , even though he met with the Health Minister just a day before @ @ @ @ @ ’ re pretty sure his exposure wasn ’ t enough to warrant any medical concerns @ @ @ @ @ government member .
“ So we ’ re calling on him to go and visit @ @ @ @ @ shake her hand or something.
” When asked whether this would jeopardise the health of @ @ @ @ @ the senior advisor looked puzzled .
“ No — Rupert Murdoch is in perfect health @ @ @ @ @

Following news British Health Minister Nadine Dorries has been diagnosed with Covid-19, there have been widespread calls for Johnson to meet again with his highly infectious cabinet colleague.
Johnson’s advisors told The Chaser overnight that Johnson would not be tested for the coronavirus, even though he met with the Health Minister just a day before she fell ill. “We’re pretty sure his exposure wasn’t enough to warrant any medical concerns,” said one senior government member. “So we’re calling on him to go and visit her in quarantine. Maybe shake her hand or something.”
When asked whether this would jeopardise the health of the man running Britain, the senior advisor looked puzzled. “No — Rupert Murdoch is in perfect health,” he said.


thechaser--2020-03-13--NRL fans cancel plans to attend game after PM confirms plans to attend

NRL fans have been devastated after Prime Minister Scott Morrison confirmed that he will be attending the Sharks game against @ @ @ @ @ “ I mean , I was prepared to put up with a lot of terrible @ @ @ @ @ , ” said one distraught fan .
“ But having to put up with Scott @ @ @ @ @ just a step too far.
” Mr Morrison has faced criticism for delaying the start @ @ @ @ @ events until Monday , with critics saying it ’ s just because Morrison wanted to @ @ @ @ @ But Mr Morrison hit back .
“ This ban only applies to mass events that @ @ @ @ @ .
This is an NRL game .
”

NRL fans have been devastated after Prime Minister Scott Morrison confirmed that he will be attending the Sharks game against the Rabbitohs on Saturday.
“I mean, I was prepared to put up with a lot of terrible things happening during this crisis,” said one distraught fan. “But having to put up with Scott Morrison’s smirk is just a step too far.”
Mr Morrison has faced criticism for delaying the start of a ban on mass events until Monday, with critics saying it’s just because Morrison wanted to go to the footy. But Mr Morrison hit back. “This ban only applies to mass events that lots of people go to. This is an NRL game.”


thechaser--2020-03-13--BREAKING: Bushfires re-ignite as nation’s cricket games cancelled

Australia has been hit once again with a national tragedy this afternoon , after the nation ’ s first line @ @ @ @ @ , our national cricket team , was forced to cancel all future public events in @ @ @ @ @ ban .
“ Quick , everybody grab a bible and pray twice as hard !
@ @ @ @ @ Morrison as the bushfires immediately re-ignited across the country .
“ And somebody find me @ @ @ @ @ to ban gay marriage before this pestilence spreads any further !
” However , experts @ @ @ @ @ entire line of reasoning is completely stupid , and that obviously fires aren ’ t @ @ @ @ @ playing of cricket .
“ No , of course that ’ s not how they @ @ @ @ @ frustrated expert from the CSIRO .
“ We all know the real scientific cause of @ @ @ @ @ those pesky Greens clearing paths for their high speed rails .
”

Australia has been hit once again with a national tragedy this afternoon, after the nation’s first line of defence against the bushfires, our national cricket team, was forced to cancel all future public events in the wake of the mass-gathering ban.
“Quick, everybody grab a bible and pray twice as hard!” screamed Prime Minister Scott Morrison as the bushfires immediately re-ignited across the country. “And somebody find me Israel Folau, we need to ban gay marriage before this pestilence spreads any further!”
However, experts have pointed out that this entire line of reasoning is completely stupid, and that obviously fires aren’t started or prevented by the playing of cricket. “No, of course that’s not how they work!” said one frustrated expert from the CSIRO. “We all know the real scientific cause of bushfires in this country is those pesky Greens clearing paths for their high speed rails.”


thechaser--2020-03-13--“If casual workers didn’t save for a crisis they should just use their trust fund” says Attorney Gen

“If casual workers didn’t save for a crisis they should just use their trust fund” says Attorney General

Attorney General and Union arch-nemesis Christian Porter has come under fire today with people alleging he has lost touch with regular Australians , after saying that the government shouldn ’ t need to support casual workers who have been self-quarantined because they all should have enough saved up .
However , some may argue he has not lost touch with regular Australians because that would require for him to have been ‘ in touch ’ with regular people at some point in his life .
We reached out to Mr Porter to give him a chance to defend himself in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ any upcoming AFP raids .
He agreed to the interview as long as the article doesn ’ t support the freedoms of those he disagrees with .
“ I am just a normal person , ” Mr Porter said , “ and I do sympathise with the struggles of those peasants doing it rough .
I was told by a member of my staff that there are some people who claim they have to work casual jobs because ‘ it ’ s their only choice ’ , how crazy is that ?
Why @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t afford to take a fortnight off out of the blue ?
There is an easy but effective solution to this issue if causal workers didn ’ t save up for the crisis they can just use their trust fund.
” The savings expert and self-proclaimed everyman than offered up some of his helpful tips to save some extra cash , “ With the economy how it is we all need to make sacrifices you know .
I for one had to cut the hours that the help is working at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ us for years and is like a part of the family , whatever her name is .
Also , maybe instead of buying your normal bottles of water , just buy normal Voss water .
If you are really desperate maybe take the money you have been saving for other things like the yacht or upgrading to the larger Gazebo and use that money on necessities.
” In response to all the backlash , Christian Porter informed us he plans to add protections to those who believe ‘ the rich are just better @ @ @ @ @ @ @ controversial Religious Freedom Bill .
“ The bill is to protect those who believe what I believe and want to freely make others fell like the lesser beings they are , so it was only logical .
”

Attorney General and Union arch-nemesis Christian Porter has come under fire today with people alleging he has lost touch with regular Australians, after saying that the government shouldn’t need to support casual workers who have been self-quarantined because they all should have enough saved up. However, some may argue he has not lost touch with regular Australians because that would require for him to have been ‘in touch’ with regular people at some point in his life.
We reached out to Mr Porter to give him a chance to defend himself in hopes to keep our offices safe from any upcoming AFP raids. He agreed to the interview as long as the article doesn’t support the freedoms of those he disagrees with.
“I am just a normal person,” Mr Porter said, “and I do sympathise with the struggles of those peasants doing it rough. I was told by a member of my staff that there are some people who claim they have to work casual jobs because ‘it’s their only choice’, how crazy is that? Why would you work causal hours if you can’t afford to take a fortnight off out of the blue? There is an easy but effective solution to this issue if causal workers didn’t save up for the crisis they can just use their trust fund.”
The savings expert and self-proclaimed everyman than offered up some of his helpful tips to save some extra cash, “With the economy how it is we all need to make sacrifices you know. I for one had to cut the hours that the help is working at my house, she has been with us for years and is like a part of the family, whatever her name is. Also, maybe instead of buying your normal bottles of water, just buy normal Voss water. If you are really desperate maybe take the money you have been saving for other things like the yacht or upgrading to the larger Gazebo and use that money on necessities.”
In response to all the backlash, Christian Porter informed us he plans to add protections to those who believe ‘the rich are just better people than the peasants’ to the controversial Religious Freedom Bill. “The bill is to protect those who believe what I believe and want to freely make others fell like the lesser beings they are, so it was only logical.”


thechaser--2020-03-13--Government ban gatherings over 500 people, weekend’s NRL games unaffected

Attendees at this weekends NRL games have been declared exempt from public gathering bans , with all 4 attendees able @ @ @ @ @ quarter of the stadium for themselves .
The announcement is great news for Prime Minister @ @ @ @ @ pledged only yesterday that he would still be attending this weekends match , no matter @ @ @ @ @ he stop browsing cheap plane flights to Hawaii and actually listen to what they were @ @ @ @ @ look , every time we mention that maybe we should stop people getting together he @ @ @ @ @ cricketers are on top of it .
I have no idea what that means , @ @ @ @ @ strategy for beating this thing is to gather everyone at the SCG on a weekly @ @ @ @ @ not stress enough , is even worse than his initial plan to shake everyone ’ @ @ @ @

Attendees at this weekends NRL games have been declared exempt from public gathering bans, with all 4 attendees able to self-isolate by taking a quarter of the stadium for themselves.
The announcement is great news for Prime Minister Scott Morrison, who had pledged only yesterday that he would still be attending this weekends match, no matter how much doctors begged that he stop browsing cheap plane flights to Hawaii and actually listen to what they were advising him.
“Yea look, every time we mention that maybe we should stop people getting together he starts telling us that the cricketers are on top of it. I have no idea what that means, but it appears his entire strategy for beating this thing is to gather everyone at the SCG on a weekly basis, which I cannot stress enough, is even worse than his initial plan to shake everyone’s hands.”


thechaser--2020-03-13--Devastation as Coldplay announce they will not be cancelling upcoming tour

Music fans have been left in tears today , following an announcement by Coldplay ’ s management that their upcoming @ @ @ @ @ as normal despite the threat of the coronavirus .
“ Chris and the team aren @ @ @ @ @ a virus stop them from delivering their music to thousands of people around the world @ @ @ @ @ s management in what appeared to be a veiled threat .
“ While the virus @ @ @ @ @ threat to any large public gatherings , we don ’ t think that the three @ @ @ @ @ our tour off the back of our last few albums will be in any way @ @ @ @ @ Described as inducing headaches , nausea , and vomiting , Coldplay ’ s music is @ @ @ @ @ one of the most horrible diseases ever unleashed upon the earth .

Music fans have been left in tears today, following an announcement by Coldplay’s management that their upcoming tour would be going ahead as normal despite the threat of the coronavirus.
“Chris and the team aren’t going to let a virus stop them from delivering their music to thousands of people around the world,” said Coldplay’s management in what appeared to be a veiled threat. “While the virus is said to pose a threat to any large public gatherings, we don’t think that the three people who will be attending our tour off the back of our last few albums will be in any way affected by this issue.”
Described as inducing headaches, nausea, and vomiting, Coldplay’s music is considered by many to be one of the most horrible diseases ever unleashed upon the earth.


thechaser--2020-03-13--Scomo to isolate on remote island after coming into contact with Peter Dutton

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today snatched up a great deal on a flight to Hawaii in order to “ @ @ @ @ @ nation ” by isolating himself following extended contact with Peter Dutton .
Dutton , who @ @ @ @ @ , is expected to serve out his own quarantine under house isolation , spending his @ @ @ @ @ mansion on the hill where townsfolk sometimes see a faint light in one of the @ @ @ @ @ .

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today snatched up a great deal on a flight to Hawaii in order to “ensure the health of the nation” by isolating himself following extended contact with Peter Dutton.
Dutton, who was yesterday diagnosed with coronavirus, is expected to serve out his own quarantine under house isolation, spending his time in the old abandoned mansion on the hill where townsfolk sometimes see a faint light in one of the windows during the full moon.


thechaser--2020-03-13--Telstra in chaos as work-from-home staff forced to rely on Telstra internet

The Telstra corporation has today been thrown into chaos following the first day of work-from-home isolation , as all 20,000 staff were left unable to connect to the Telstra network to access the internet .
“ It says there ’ s some kind of outage , but it doesn ’ t say when it ’ ll be fixed or anything !
” reported one frustrated Testra support worker .
“ What idiot is responsible for this mess ?
Wait actually that ’ s me oh god I need to get to the office !
” Telstra ’ s support lines @ @ @ @ @ @ @ since the outage , will all 20,000 staff members phone calls going straight to hold due to the fact that none of them are in the office to take the calls , though this has not affected the quality of the support line in any way .
However , a representative from Telstra said the characterisations were unfair , and the company has been working hard to ensure they have fast reliable internet .
“ Anyone who says Telstra has bad service is lying , ” said the representative from their home .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ at Testra have one of the most – hello ?
Hello ?
Are you there ?
Hellooooo ?
Oh dammit it cut out again .
”

The Telstra corporation has today been thrown into chaos following the first day of work-from-home isolation, as all 20,000 staff were left unable to connect to the Telstra network to access the internet.
“It says there’s some kind of outage, but it doesn’t say when it’ll be fixed or anything!” reported one frustrated Testra support worker. “What idiot is responsible for this mess? Wait actually that’s me oh god I need to get to the office!”
Telstra’s support lines have reportedly been ringing off the hook since the outage, will all 20,000 staff members phone calls going straight to hold due to the fact that none of them are in the office to take the calls, though this has not affected the quality of the support line in any way.
However, a representative from Telstra said the characterisations were unfair, and the company has been working hard to ensure they have fast reliable internet. “Anyone who says Telstra has bad service is lying,” said the representative from their home. “The fact is that we here at Testra have one of the most – hello? Hello? Are you there? Hellooooo? Oh dammit it cut out again.”


thechaser--2020-03-14--BREAKING: Donald Trump declares national, and I mean this, it really is a national and a lot of peop

BREAKING: Donald Trump declares national, and I mean this, it really is a national and a lot of people they come up to me and they say “Donald this is an emergency” and you know some very smart people, not as smart as me perhaps, but still very smart, and they say to me…

United States President Donald Trump has today declared a national , and I mean this , it really is a national and a lot of people they come up to me and they say “ Donald this is an emergency ” and you know some very smart people , not as smart as me perhaps , but still very smart , and they say to me “ you have to do something ” and you know they ’ re right , we can ’ t keep letting the corona , because you know my uncle , very smart man , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nuclear , and that ’ s important these days , might not have been back then , but you know he saw it was the future , many didn ’ t believe me , but you know he saw it and I saw it , we were right , and in a lot of ways , you know when they come over here , and we need the vaccines , but it ’ s a process , it ’ s a process , and I spoke to the people and they said Donald @ @ @ @ @ @ @ because you know I don ’ t mess around , I say to them when can we have them on the shelves , and they said pretty soon , so it ’ s coming , and we ’ re gon na beat em you know , China , spending billions but they don ’ t have the experience , the best you know we ’ ve got them , and the coal miners you know they say ‘ it ’ s done ’ but you know I didn ’ t believe them and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
Can I get a U.S.A ?
Anyway where was I oh yes , national emergency , huge , big emergency , unbelievable , but we got it under control folks .
Oh you wouldn ’ t believe , they said it couldn ’ t be done , but Mike Pence , you know great guy , good friends of mine , got everything under control .
Anyway its been nice to tour this kindergarten , any questions kids ?

United States President Donald Trump has today declared a national, and I mean this, it really is a national and a lot of people they come up to me and they say “Donald this is an emergency” and you know some very smart people, not as smart as me perhaps, but still very smart, and they say to me “you have to do something” and you know they’re right, we can’t keep letting the corona, because you know my uncle, very smart man, runs in the family, worked in nuclear, and that’s important these days, might not have been back then, but you know he saw it was the future, many didn’t believe me, but you know he saw it and I saw it, we were right, and in a lot of ways, you know when they come over here, and we need the vaccines, but it’s a process, it’s a process, and I spoke to the people and they said Donald you understand this probably better than anybody because you know I don’t mess around, I say to them when can we have them on the shelves, and they said pretty soon, so it’s coming, and we’re gonna beat em you know, China, spending billions but they don’t have the experience, the best you know we’ve got them, and the coal miners you know they say ‘it’s done’ but you know I didn’t believe them and now look, was I right folks? Can I get a U.S.A? Anyway where was I oh yes, national emergency, huge, big emergency, unbelievable, but we got it under control folks. Oh you wouldn’t believe, they said it couldn’t be done, but Mike Pence, you know great guy, good friends of mine, got everything under control. Anyway its been nice to tour this kindergarten, any questions kids?


thechaser--2020-03-15--Anti-vaxer just hoping science can find the right healing crystal in time to save us all

The world ’ s anti-vaxers have this week joined hands in prayer that scientists can find a cure for coronavirus in time , before all frantically disinfecting their hands after realising they just touched each other and nobody has been vaccinated .
“ I just hope these scientists are working on a cure that can save me and my small , unvaccinated children , ” said Melanie Wilson from Sydney ’ s lower North Shore .
“ I really hope they ’ re all hard at work finding the perfect essential oil or healing crystal to stop this plague.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ concerned they have begun their own research into cures , frantically reading through thousands upon thousands of twitter posts to compile a list of the least effective ways to prevent the spread of disease .
“ According to a blog I read online hand washing is actually pointless , ” said one mother of three .
“ Turns out what we really need is more turmeric , which sounds so unbelievable it just has to be true .
I mean , it ’ s not like somebody would lie on the internet , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ also suggested a new technique for preventing disease , which seeks to boost the body ’ s natural immune system to help it fight off diseases .
“ The trick we ’ ve discovered is that your body is already a natural disease fighter , ” said one anti-vax leader , “ so what we want to do is come up with a way to teach your immune system to recognise and fight the diseases , maybe by building tiny , unharmful organic products that mimic the disease , which help teach your @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an infection .
The only roadblock we ’ re facing is how to get them into the body .
Currently we ’ re thinking about maybe using a sharp metal device to deliver tiny amounts directly into the veins , but it could be years before we perfect that technology .
”

The world’s anti-vaxers have this week joined hands in prayer that scientists can find a cure for coronavirus in time, before all frantically disinfecting their hands after realising they just touched each other and nobody has been vaccinated.
“I just hope these scientists are working on a cure that can save me and my small, unvaccinated children,” said Melanie Wilson from Sydney’s lower North Shore. “I really hope they’re all hard at work finding the perfect essential oil or healing crystal to stop this plague.”
In fact, some anti-vaxers are so concerned they have begun their own research into cures, frantically reading through thousands upon thousands of twitter posts to compile a list of the least effective ways to prevent the spread of disease. “According to a blog I read online hand washing is actually pointless,” said one mother of three. “Turns out what we really need is more turmeric, which sounds so unbelievable it just has to be true. I mean, it’s not like somebody would lie on the internet, would they?”
Other anti-vaxxers have also suggested a new technique for preventing disease, which seeks to boost the body’s natural immune system to help it fight off diseases. “The trick we’ve discovered is that your body is already a natural disease fighter,” said one anti-vax leader, “so what we want to do is come up with a way to teach your immune system to recognise and fight the diseases, maybe by building tiny, unharmful organic products that mimic the disease, which help teach your body to send antibodies whenever they spot an infection. The only roadblock we’re facing is how to get them into the body. Currently we’re thinking about maybe using a sharp metal device to deliver tiny amounts directly into the veins, but it could be years before we perfect that technology.”


thechaser--2020-03-15--Shorten starting to feel he was the winner of the last election

The man not in charge of leading Australia ’ s response to the coronavirus pandemic , Bill Shorten , has begun to suspect he was the real winner of the last election , neighbours have reported .
Shorten was spotted on the weekend watering the garden of his Moonee Ponds home , rather than in back-to-back crisis meetings making life or death decisions that have no good answer , that his opponent Scott Morrison was stuck in .
At no point in the past few days has Mr Shorten ’ s weekend plans been the subject of intense criticism by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Shorten started to get the feeling he had won the election late last year after did not face any questions about inviting a man who is accused of covering up a paedophile ’ s actions to a White House dinner .
Mr Shorten spent the summer not being derided over his handling of the bushfire crisis that directly affected 17 % of Australia ’ s population .
Instead , he learnt how to cook spanikopita , a greek pastry dish and received warm compliments for it .
By contrast , his opponent , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for his catastrophic neglect and mishandling of the crisis .

Shorten starting to feel he was the winner of the last election
The man not in charge of leading Australia’s response to the coronavirus pandemic, Bill Shorten, has begun to suspect he was the real winner of the last election, neighbours have reported.
Shorten was spotted on the weekend watering the garden of his Moonee Ponds home, rather than in back-to-back crisis meetings making life or death decisions that have no good answer, that his opponent Scott Morrison was stuck in.
At no point in the past few days has Mr Shorten’s weekend plans been the subject of intense criticism by the nation’s press.
Mr Shorten started to get the feeling he had won the election late last year after did not face any questions about inviting a man who is accused of covering up a paedophile’s actions to a White House dinner.
Mr Shorten spent the summer not being derided over his handling of the bushfire crisis that directly affected 17% of Australia’s population. Instead, he learnt how to cook spanikopita, a greek pastry dish and received warm compliments for it. By contrast, his opponent, who “won” was pilloried globally for his catastrophic neglect and mishandling of the crisis.


thechaser--2020-03-15--Nation already sick of pasta

Nation already sick of pasta

As the nation wraps up its first weekend of kind-of-self-quarantine-but-also-I-might-just-pop-down-to-the-shops , self isolaters everywhere have declared that they are “ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ God it ’ s just so bland , ” said one local man @ @ @ @ @ of the day .
“ Why oh why did I buy 300 packets of this @ @ @ @ @ pasta based existence has hit the gluten-intolerant particularly hard , who have had to make @ @ @ @ @ toilet paper , or eating the gluten-rich-pasta and then needing to use even more toilet @ @ @ @ @ ’ t know why I bulk bought this pasta at all !
” said one @ @ @ @ @ I just saw everyone else running for it and I blacked out .
Next thing @ @ @ @ @ it out of the parking lot with a car full of pasta and a black @ @ @ @ @ t even remember to pick up the milk , but I don ’ t think @ @ @ @ @ there now .
”

As the nation wraps up its first weekend of kind-of-self-quarantine-but-also-I-might-just-pop-down-to-the-shops, self isolaters everywhere have declared that they are “already completely sick of pasta.”
“God it’s just so bland,” said one local man watching his sixth Netflix series of the day. “Why oh why did I buy 300 packets of this stuff?”
The new pasta based existence has hit the gluten-intolerant particularly hard, who have had to make the tough decision between eating toilet paper, or eating the gluten-rich-pasta and then needing to use even more toilet paper. “I don’t know why I bulk bought this pasta at all!” said one such gluten-intolerant woman. “I just saw everyone else running for it and I blacked out. Next thing I knew I was flooring it out of the parking lot with a car full of pasta and a black eye. I didn’t even remember to pick up the milk, but I don’t think I can ever go back there now.”


thechaser--2020-03-15--Trump approves $1 billion Norton Anti-Virus fund to help fight corona

President Donald Trump has told reporters he is fully protected from the coronavirus threat today , after staff members installed a copy of McAfee Anti-Virus software on his computer this morning .
Staff initially tried to explain to him that the coronavirus was a real , live virus , rather than a piece of software , but gave up after Trump launched into a half-hour long rave about what a genius he was for thinking of installing the software .
“ A lot of people they ’ ve been telling me , Donald , you can ’ t keep licking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I say to them , you know because they ’ re really very simple people , not like me , and I ’ ve installed it , oh boy you better believe , every computer , because my son , very good at computers and I said to him Baron , we ’ ve got this software , and you know it protects , doesn ’ t clean , it protects , and you know it keeps the virus off of computers and oh boy you know the kids these days , so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know back in my day , am I right folks , computers ?
Didn ’ t have em , and you know I predicted them , many didn ’ t but I did , and… ” Meanwhile , the Surgeon General has been forced to issue a statement advising all Americans to buy a copy of McAfee Anti-Virus and install it on their computers immediately .
In the street , people were initially confused by the demand , but eventually came around to the idea .
“ I suppose it ’ s got @ @ @ @ @ @ @ against coronavirus as the American healthcare system , ” said one man , before collapsing from a lack of insulin .

President Donald Trump has told reporters he is fully protected from the coronavirus threat today, after staff members installed a copy of McAfee Anti-Virus software on his computer this morning.
Staff initially tried to explain to him that the coronavirus was a real, live virus, rather than a piece of software, but gave up after Trump launched into a half-hour long rave about what a genius he was for thinking of installing the software.
“A lot of people they’ve been telling me, Donald, you can’t keep licking your fingers after touching that screen and I say to them, you know because they’re really very simple people, not like me, and I’ve installed it, oh boy you better believe, every computer, because my son, very good at computers and I said to him Baron, we’ve got this software, and you know it protects, doesn’t clean, it protects, and you know it keeps the virus off of computers and oh boy you know the kids these days, so smart at the computers, because you know back in my day, am I right folks, computers? Didn’t have em, and you know I predicted them, many didn’t but I did, and…”
Meanwhile, the Surgeon General has been forced to issue a statement advising all Americans to buy a copy of McAfee Anti-Virus and install it on their computers immediately.
In the street, people were initially confused by the demand, but eventually came around to the idea. “I suppose it’s got about as much chance of protecting me against coronavirus as the American healthcare system,” said one man, before collapsing from a lack of insulin.


thechaser--2020-03-15--‘Devastating’: Nation’s shoplifters left with nothing to steal

After a second weekend of panic buying throughout the country , supermarkets have been accused of ignoring the needs of the nation ’ s shoplifters .
“ Every time I turn up to the shops , these selfish shoppers have bought everything before I ’ ve even shoved a single box of Weet-Bix down my pants , ” said one distraught shoplifter , ‘ Jim ’ .
Jim said that only the worst products were being left behind on the shelves , meaning shoplifters were being treated like second-class citizens .
“ There ’ s no pasta left , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ unless I want to steal gluten-free canneloni shells .
But I can ’ t go home with that .
How can I look my kids in the eyes and tell them I stole them gluten-free pasta .
I ’ d lose their respect , ” he said .
“ And my wife would kill me .
Literally — she ’ s a murderer.
” The Shoplifters Association called for supermarkets to limit the number of items that purchasers can make , in order to ensure there are enough products left behind to steal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ paper too .
And not just that 1-ply 1000-sheet Delsey roll shit .
Surely a bit of 2-ply Sorbent is not too much to ask.
” “ And the only cola left is that Coles Que brand , ” lamented Jim .
“ I may be a shoplifter , but I ’ m not a psychopath , ” he said .
“ My wife is .
But I ’ m not.
” Jim said that if things got any worse , he would have to go back to his old job of being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s much easy to steal stuff in that job .
”

After a second weekend of panic buying throughout the country, supermarkets have been accused of ignoring the needs of the nation’s shoplifters.
“Every time I turn up to the shops, these selfish shoppers have bought everything before I’ve even shoved a single box of Weet-Bix down my pants,” said one distraught shoplifter, ‘Jim’.
Jim said that only the worst products were being left behind on the shelves, meaning shoplifters were being treated like second-class citizens.
“There’s no pasta left,” he said. “I mean, unless I want to steal gluten-free canneloni shells. But I can’t go home with that. How can I look my kids in the eyes and tell them I stole them gluten-free pasta. I’d lose their respect,” he said. “And my wife would kill me. Literally — she’s a murderer.”
The Shoplifters Association called for supermarkets to limit the number of items that purchasers can make, in order to ensure there are enough products left behind to steal. “Shoplifters need to hoard toilet paper too. And not just that 1-ply 1000-sheet Delsey roll shit. Surely a bit of 2-ply Sorbent is not too much to ask.”
“And the only cola left is that Coles Que brand,” lamented Jim. “I may be a shoplifter, but I’m not a psychopath,” he said. “My wife is. But I’m not.”
Jim said that if things got any worse, he would have to go back to his old job of being an Australian banking executive. “It’s much easy to steal stuff in that job.”


thechaser--2020-03-16--“No need to worry about corona” says Alan Jones from his custom built rural bunker

Lauded broadcaster and guy who once wrote a love letter to a schoolchild , Alan Jones , has today used his broadcasting platform to tell the people most at risk of dying from the coronavirus that the whole thing is a beatup .
Broadcasting from a custom built bunker on a rural property in order to escape the effects of the virus , Alan insisted that the people of Australia should not be scared of the virus and that the whole thing is probably fake .
“ Go about your daily lives , ” Alan instructed listeners while double-checking the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I assure you all that I , I mean we , are perfectly safe.
” However , employees at 2GB have forced Jones to walk back his earlier comments , after realising the people that will probably die from the viral outbreak are the exact same people that make up Alan ’ s entire audience .
“ God dammit Alan if you keep this up the only people listening to your show are going to be the people scrolling between Kyle and Jackie and Fitsie and Wippa between ad breaks !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Now get back in that booth and tell all your geriatric fangirls to start shutting themselves inside or you ’ ll be out the door so fast you ’ ll think we ’ re a Brisbane boarding school that ’ s just received a concerning report from a parent about a teacher .
”

Lauded broadcaster and guy who once wrote a love letter to a schoolchild, Alan Jones, has today used his broadcasting platform to tell the people most at risk of dying from the coronavirus that the whole thing is a beatup. Broadcasting from a custom built bunker on a rural property in order to escape the effects of the virus, Alan insisted that the people of Australia should not be scared of the virus and that the whole thing is probably fake.
“Go about your daily lives,” Alan instructed listeners while double-checking the airlock on his bunker is fully sealed. “I assure you all that I, I mean we, are perfectly safe.”
However, employees at 2GB have forced Jones to walk back his earlier comments, after realising the people that will probably die from the viral outbreak are the exact same people that make up Alan’s entire audience. “God dammit Alan if you keep this up the only people listening to your show are going to be the people scrolling between Kyle and Jackie and Fitsie and Wippa between ad breaks!” exclaimed an exhausted staffer. “Now get back in that booth and tell all your geriatric fangirls to start shutting themselves inside or you’ll be out the door so fast you’ll think we’re a Brisbane boarding school that’s just received a concerning report from a parent about a teacher.”


thechaser--2020-03-16--Pauline Hanson outraged to learn coronavirus made in China and not Australia

One Nation senator and white sheet enthusiast Pauline Hanson has today called for the Australian government to fund the creation @ @ @ @ @ instead of importing viruses from China .
“ Watch wrong wish Oshtrayns these daysh ?
@ @ @ @ @ this morning during a debate about particle physics .
“ Carnt even create a bloody @ @ @ @ @ Back in my day we only caught Oshtrayan made diseashes , like German Measles , @ @ @ @ @ Asked how exactly Australia was expected to make their own version of the corona virus @ @ @ @ @ simple .
“ Well we jusht get som bottles of Corona and then injec people @ @ @ @ @ Hanson .
“ Gosh , it ’ s not rocket surgery !
” Asked what @ @ @ @ @ spate of panic shopping due to the viral outbreak , Hanson said she is concerned @ @ @ @ @ t like it , ” said Ms Hanson .
“ When all the food sells @ @ @ @ @ murdered , my groceries just gone !

One Nation senator and white sheet enthusiast Pauline Hanson has today called for the Australian government to fund the creation of a home-made coronavirus, instead of importing viruses from China.
“Watch wrong wish Oshtrayns these daysh?” asked Hanson on Sunrise this morning during a debate about particle physics. “Carnt even create a bloody pandemic wishout Chinas help. Back in my day we only caught Oshtrayan made diseashes, like German Measles, and the Spanish flu.”
Asked how exactly Australia was expected to make their own version of the corona virus, Hanson said it was simple. “Well we jusht get som bottles of Corona and then injec people wish them!” explained Hanson. “Gosh, it’s not rocket surgery!”
Asked what she thought about the recent spate of panic shopping due to the viral outbreak, Hanson said she is concerned. “I don’t like it,” said Ms Hanson. “When all the food sells out. My shopping trolley murdered, my groceries just gone!


thechaser--2020-03-16--Coronavirus response called off after 3% of scientists declare it not a threat

The World Health Organisation has today declared the Coronavirus pandemic over , after 3 % of scientists remained sceptical about whether the virus actually exists .
“ For all we know it could be some kind of cyclical thing , ” explained 3 out of 100 scientists today , “ or perhaps the virus is actually good for humanity .
Did you ever consider that ?
No you didn ’ t because all you people care about is ‘ evidence ’ these days.
” “ Sure these scientists may be on the payroll of big-toilet-paper , and yes they may @ @ @ @ @ @ @ yes some of their research has already been disproven , ” explained the WHO when asked about their about-face , “ but we think it ’ s important that everybody gets an equal say in this debate , no matter how fringe their views may be , or how many lives they may threaten.
” The dissenting scientists are expected to now go on a tour of the world ’ s media , explaining to humanity how it ’ s actually in their interests to be wiped out by a plague .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ few pharmaceutical billionaires even richer in the short term , ” reasoned one scientist , “ So I can ’ t really see why we ’ d risk that kind of economic success just to save a few million lives .
Oh thankyou , another large bag of dollar bills from an anonymous fan .
How kind .
”

The World Health Organisation has today declared the Coronavirus pandemic over, after 3% of scientists remained sceptical about whether the virus actually exists.
“For all we know it could be some kind of cyclical thing,” explained 3 out of 100 scientists today, “or perhaps the virus is actually good for humanity. Did you ever consider that? No you didn’t because all you people care about is ‘evidence’ these days.”
“Sure these scientists may be on the payroll of big-toilet-paper, and yes they may not be experts in virology, and yes some of their research has already been disproven,” explained the WHO when asked about their about-face, “but we think it’s important that everybody gets an equal say in this debate, no matter how fringe their views may be, or how many lives they may threaten.”
The dissenting scientists are expected to now go on a tour of the world’s media, explaining to humanity how it’s actually in their interests to be wiped out by a plague. “The fact is it will make a few pharmaceutical billionaires even richer in the short term,” reasoned one scientist, “So I can’t really see why we’d risk that kind of economic success just to save a few million lives. Oh thankyou, another large bag of dollar bills from an anonymous fan. How kind.”


thechaser--2020-03-16--Tony Abbott begins first day morse-coding into work

Former Prime Minister and onion enthusiast Tony Abbott has today kicked off his first day of social distancing by dusting @ @ @ @ @ and tapping out a communication to staffers .
“ Ah this is more like it @ @ @ @ @ what could be either a smile or a grimace , “ Good clean traditional communication @ @ @ @ @ me some leeches and mercury so I can ward off this virus.
” However , @ @ @ @ @ that there is no need to work from home , as people just naturally try @ @ @ @ @ anyway .
“ Yea if anyone ’ s safe from this virus it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ Nation ’ s Chief Medical Officer .
“ Turns out the best cure for the @ @ @ @ @ onion breath .
”

Former Prime Minister and onion enthusiast Tony Abbott has today kicked off his first day of social distancing by dusting off the old morse-code box and tapping out a communication to staffers.
“Ah this is more like it!” said Abbott with what could be either a smile or a grimace, “Good clean traditional communication, now quick somebody get me some leeches and mercury so I can ward off this virus.”
However, Abbott has since been informed that there is no need to work from home, as people just naturally try to distance themselves from him anyway. “Yea if anyone’s safe from this virus it’s Tony,” explained the Nation’s Chief Medical Officer. “Turns out the best cure for the spread of this virus is onion breath.”


thechaser--2020-03-16--Working from home called off after nation experiences an hour of the NBN

Workers across Australia have today decided to just brave the coronavirus and head into work , after declaring it couldn ’ t be worse than spending the next two months relying on the absolutely awful National Broadband Network .
“ It ’ s just t—- ” said one local man trying to work from home .
“ I c– e-e-n h-a-r w—a-t p–p–e a-r- s–y-ng.
” Asked why the network experienced such frequent dropouts , NBN head Bill Morrow says that it simply wasn ’ t designed for people to use it for more than the occasional email .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ designed to deal with this amount of use , ” explained Mr Morrow .
“ Our original modelling had predicted maybe three , at most five people using the country ’ s internet at any given time – we never imagined for a second that everyone would be wanting to use it at once.
” However , the man responsible for the calamity , Malcolm Turnbull , says you simply need to give the network a fighting chance to warm up in the morning .
“ Any claims that the NBN was intentionally @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nonsense , ” said Turnbull via Skype from one of his many mansions , “ the NBN is perfectly fine , in fact there ’ s never been a better time to work from [ connection lost ]

Workers across Australia have today decided to just brave the coronavirus and head into work, after declaring it couldn’t be worse than spending the next two months relying on the absolutely awful National Broadband Network.
“It’s just t—-” said one local man trying to work from home. “I c– e-e-n h-a-r w—a-t p–p–e a-r- s–y-ng.”
Asked why the network experienced such frequent dropouts, NBN head Bill Morrow says that it simply wasn’t designed for people to use it for more than the occasional email. “The fact is the NBN was never designed to deal with this amount of use,” explained Mr Morrow. “Our original modelling had predicted maybe three, at most five people using the country’s internet at any given time – we never imagined for a second that everyone would be wanting to use it at once.”
However, the man responsible for the calamity, Malcolm Turnbull, says you simply need to give the network a fighting chance to warm up in the morning. “Any claims that the NBN was intentionally hobbled to make Labor look bad are nonsense,” said Turnbull via Skype from one of his many mansions, “the NBN is perfectly fine, in fact there’s never been a better time to work from [connection lost]


thechaser--2020-03-16--Nation frantically tries to remove sticker from webcam in preparation for first skype meeting

Paranoid workers across the country have today frantically tried to remove the small stickers placed over their laptop webcams in order to prevent the FBI spying on them , after realising they will have to use the webcam for the first time ever to broadcast a very unflattering low angle image of themselves to their colleagues in isolation across the country .
“ He… hello ?
Is this thing on ?
Sorry I think you ’ ve dropped out , ” said the nation in unison today .
“ Wait hello ?
No nope still not hearing you .
Dammit @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hold on.
” The removal of the stickers has come as great news for the FBI who say they will now be spending 100 % of their time monitoring local woman Janet as she blankly stares at her screen as she watches Netflix .
“ That ’ s the real purpose of the FBI these days , ” explained Bureau head John Pervert , “ we gave up fighting organised crime years ago , back when it took over the government.
” UPDATE : People across the nation have decided to just leave @ @ @ @ @ @ @ couldn ’ t afford to waste the tissues and rubbing alcohol needed to remove them

Paranoid workers across the country have today frantically tried to remove the small stickers placed over their laptop webcams in order to prevent the FBI spying on them, after realising they will have to use the webcam for the first time ever to broadcast a very unflattering low angle image of themselves to their colleagues in isolation across the country.
“He… hello? Is this thing on? Sorry I think you’ve dropped out,” said the nation in unison today. “Wait hello? No nope still not hearing you. Dammit, I’ll just phone in hold on.”
The removal of the stickers has come as great news for the FBI who say they will now be spending 100% of their time monitoring local woman Janet as she blankly stares at her screen as she watches Netflix. “That’s the real purpose of the FBI these days,” explained Bureau head John Pervert, “we gave up fighting organised crime years ago, back when it took over the government.”
UPDATE: People across the nation have decided to just leave the stickers on, after declaring they couldn’t afford to waste the tissues and rubbing alcohol needed to remove them


thechaser--2020-03-16--Government announces ban on jokes about social distancing

The government has announced a sweeping ban on jokes about social distancing , in an effort to contain their spread .
The threat posed by the outbreak is now listed as a “ extreme ” , and officials have warned that up to 70 % of people may make the joke in the coming months .
Experts said reactions to the joke are highly varied depending on the recipient , and range anywhere between mild discomfort to total failure .
They warned there was no recorded case of people being immune to the joke , and recovery could take months @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sense of humour .
Experts said the viral nature of many of these jokes means that they now pose a great threat to humanity than the coronavirus itself .
They said that the novel nature of the joke has impeded efforts to contain its spread .
Last night , Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg called for calm about the spread of these jokes , and said Facebook was working on a policy that would dampen the spread but that its rapidly changing structure was impeding efforts .
In the UK , Boris Johnson said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ban on the jokes , but instead implement a strict quota system , where people will be limited to one joke about social distancing per day .
It will be banned entirely for people over 60 years old , after it was discovered that unfunny uncles are so-called “ super-spreaders ” of the joke .
This report was filed from home by the reporter , who has been self-distancing for years now .

The government has announced a sweeping ban on jokes about social distancing, in an effort to contain their spread. The threat posed by the outbreak is now listed as a “extreme”, and officials have warned that up to 70% of people may make the joke in the coming months.
Experts said reactions to the joke are highly varied depending on the recipient, and range anywhere between mild discomfort to total failure. They warned there was no recorded case of people being immune to the joke, and recovery could take months, especially for people with a compromised sense of humour.
Experts said the viral nature of many of these jokes means that they now pose a great threat to humanity than the coronavirus itself. They said that the novel nature of the joke has impeded efforts to contain its spread. Last night, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg called for calm about the spread of these jokes, and said Facebook was working on a policy that would dampen the spread but that its rapidly changing structure was impeding efforts.
In the UK, Boris Johnson said his government would not impose an outright ban on the jokes, but instead implement a strict quota system, where people will be limited to one joke about social distancing per day. It will be banned entirely for people over 60 years old, after it was discovered that unfunny uncles are so-called “super-spreaders” of the joke.
This report was filed from home by the reporter, who has been self-distancing for years now.


thechaser--2020-03-17--3:30pm is pretty much 5pm, reckons entire nation of home workers

White collar workers throughout the east coast of Australia stopped work just moments ago , after everyone came to the @ @ @ @ @ close enough to 5pm to justify knocking off for the day and grabbing a relaxing @ @ @ @ @ alcohol stockpile .
“ I mean , 3:30pm is pretty much 4pm , and 4pm @ @ @ @ @ as it gets , ” said one home worker .
Workers have expressed surprise at @ @ @ @ @ enjoyed the new method of working .
“ I was worried that we would miss @ @ @ @ @ but then I realised that all meetings are unessential , ” said a marketing and @ @ @ @ @ “ And I really like turning up to work with no pants on .
Mind @ @ @ @ @ a couple of times at work , too.
” Workers across the nation noted how @ @ @ @ @ without having a boss hanging around asking them what they ’ re doing this weekend @ @ @

White collar workers throughout the east coast of Australia stopped work just moments ago, after everyone came to the collective conclusion that 3:30pm was close enough to 5pm to justify knocking off for the day and grabbing a relaxing afterwork drink from their precious alcohol stockpile.
“I mean, 3:30pm is pretty much 4pm, and 4pm is as close to 5pm as it gets,” said one home worker.
Workers have expressed surprise at how much they’ve enjoyed the new method of working. “I was worried that we would miss all the essential meetings, but then I realised that all meetings are unessential,” said a marketing and sales rep from Melbourne. “And I really like turning up to work with no pants on. Mind you, I did that a couple of times at work, too.”
Workers across the nation noted how much more productive they are without having a boss hanging around asking them what they’re doing this weekend all day.


thechaser--2020-03-17--GoFundMe set up to pay medical bills of the coronavirus diagnosed with Peter Dutton

People have flocked to donate to a GoFundMe set up to pay the medical bills of a coronavirus who contracted @ @ @ @ @ Doctors said it was “ touch and go ” whether the coronavirus would survive , @ @ @ @ @ “ particularly nasty ” and “ extremely virulent ” .
The coronavirus is said to @ @ @ @ @ officials advised any coronavirus who had come into contact with Peter Dutton to wash their @ @ @ @ @ far the GoFundMe has raised $ 423 million , which is coincidentally the exact amount @ @ @ @ @ Dutton paid to Paladin , a company run out of a beach shack on Kangaroo @ @ @ @ @ bid .

GoFundMe set up to pay medical bills of the coronavirus diagnosed with Peter Dutton
People have flocked to donate to a GoFundMe set up to pay the medical bills of a coronavirus who contracted Peter Dutton last week.
Doctors said it was “touch and go” whether the coronavirus would survive, describing the Peter Dutton as “particularly nasty” and “extremely virulent”. The coronavirus is said to be recovering well.
Medical officials advised any coronavirus who had come into contact with Peter Dutton to wash their envelope proteins immediately.
So far the GoFundMe has raised $423 million, which is coincidentally the exact amount of taxpayer money that Peter Dutton paid to Paladin, a company run out of a beach shack on Kangaroo Island, in a no-tender bid.


thechaser--2020-03-17--Coles “12 items or less”  checkout worker made redundant

In a sad turn of events , the worker who staffed the “ 12 items or less ” register at the local Coles has been made redundant .
The manager said he was disappointed to let the worker go , but nobody had used the lane in three weeks .
“ We thought of turning it into a 120 toilet rolls or less ’ register , but nobody would have used that either.
” “ And then we thought of turning it into a 12 million items or less aisle , but people aren ’ t doing those small , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The sacked employee had been a loyal and popular checkout worker at the local Coles for 12 years , and had been underpaid for only seven of them .
She was known for letting people with 13 or even 14 items through , and was considered a “ saint ” by people who regularly buy 13 or 14 items .
The employee says she is optimistic about finding work in the future .
“ Sure the economy is tanking , ” she shrugged , “ but the government is giving tax breaks to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the company dime , so that ’ ll be a great help to me .
”

In a sad turn of events, the worker who staffed the “12 items or less” register at the local Coles has been made redundant.
The manager said he was disappointed to let the worker go, but nobody had used the lane in three weeks. “We thought of turning it into a 120 toilet rolls or less’ register, but nobody would have used that either.”
“And then we thought of turning it into a 12 million items or less aisle, but people aren’t doing those small, quick shopping trips at the moment.”
The sacked employee had been a loyal and popular checkout worker at the local Coles for 12 years, and had been underpaid for only seven of them. She was known for letting people with 13 or even 14 items through, and was considered a “saint” by people who regularly buy 13 or 14 items.
The employee says she is optimistic about finding work in the future. “Sure the economy is tanking,” she shrugged, “but the government is giving tax breaks to companies who buy $150,000 cars on the company dime, so that’ll be a great help to me.”


thechaser--2020-03-18--WHO demands Animal Crossing be released to encourage self isolation

The World Health organisation has today begged the Nintendo Corporation to release Animal Crossing early to encourage the world to self-isolate .
“ This may be our only antidote to Corona at the moment , ” said one stern faced WHO representative .
“ So Nintendo , if you ’ re listening , please , tear down this paywall.
” Scientists are hoping the release of the wildly popular game will have what is being described as a “ reverse Pokemon Go effect ” in which everybody stays inside and refuses to interact with their neighbours .
“ It would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ since Netflix dropped the second season of Stranger Things , ” explained scientists this evening .
“ In fact we ’ re already in talks with HBO about maybe producing another final season of Game of Thrones .
That ’ s got nothing to do with the virus though , the last season just really sucked.
” The Health organisation have been hard at work in recent weeks studying gamers and their lifestyles , in the hope of finding what it is about them that makes them so impervious to the downsides of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ machines , ” said one shocked scientist , “ some of them have been self isolating for years already , and can seemingly survive without water , drinking only Mountain Dew and the occasional corn chip .
There is much humanity can learn from these resilient , antisocial people .
They may be our only hope , if only they ’ d put down the controller long enough to tell us their secret , but apparently it ’ s an online game that you can ’ t just save .
”

The World Health organisation has today begged the Nintendo Corporation to release Animal Crossing early to encourage the world to self-isolate. “This may be our only antidote to Corona at the moment,” said one stern faced WHO representative. “So Nintendo, if you’re listening, please, tear down this paywall.”
Scientists are hoping the release of the wildly popular game will have what is being described as a “reverse Pokemon Go effect” in which everybody stays inside and refuses to interact with their neighbours. “It would be the largest cast of voluntary self-isolation since Netflix dropped the second season of Stranger Things,” explained scientists this evening. “In fact we’re already in talks with HBO about maybe producing another final season of Game of Thrones. That’s got nothing to do with the virus though, the last season just really sucked.”
The Health organisation have been hard at work in recent weeks studying gamers and their lifestyles, in the hope of finding what it is about them that makes them so impervious to the downsides of self-isolation. “These people are like machines,” said one shocked scientist, “some of them have been self isolating for years already, and can seemingly survive without water, drinking only Mountain Dew and the occasional corn chip. There is much humanity can learn from these resilient, antisocial people. They may be our only hope, if only they’d put down the controller long enough to tell us their secret, but apparently it’s an online game that you can’t just save.”


thechaser--2020-03-18--Nation thinks fondly back to simpler time when country was just engulfed in fire

The nation of Australia has today issued a sigh of nostalgia as they remembered the good old days three months back when the only thing troubling the country was an out of control fire engulfing most of the east coast .
“ God , remember when you could step outside your house and take a big old deep breath of thick soupy smoke without having to worry about whether it would be helping to spread a global pandemic that could wipe out everyone ’ s parents ?
” said one nostalgic citizen today .
“ What I would give to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , fire , hail , floods , and a Prime Minister who decided to holiday in Hawaii .
Ahh the good old days.
” “ Remember back when the worst issue we were facing was the prospect of the mentally unstable American president assassinating a high ranking Iranian government official , almost plunging us all into a third world war ?
” he continued .
“ God , what I would give to be back then , wondering if the Sydney water catchment might run out at any moment as I washed down @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , others have declared this recent pandemic not as bad as some are making out , with social introverts everywhere celebrating that they are finally getting a bit of shut in .
“ Yea look sure the extroverts might hate it , but the prospect of being locked indoors away from people with the internet and video games to keep me company is actually my idea of heaven , ” said one local gamer .
“ Plus the no-touching thing really has finally given me an excuse to stay away from my overly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ m thriving .
”

The nation of Australia has today issued a sigh of nostalgia as they remembered the good old days three months back when the only thing troubling the country was an out of control fire engulfing most of the east coast.
“God, remember when you could step outside your house and take a big old deep breath of thick soupy smoke without having to worry about whether it would be helping to spread a global pandemic that could wipe out everyone’s parents?” said one nostalgic citizen today. “What I would give to bring back those heady days of drought, fire, hail, floods, and a Prime Minister who decided to holiday in Hawaii. Ahh the good old days.”
“Remember back when the worst issue we were facing was the prospect of the mentally unstable American president assassinating a high ranking Iranian government official, almost plunging us all into a third world war?” he continued. “God, what I would give to be back then, wondering if the Sydney water catchment might run out at any moment as I washed down my driveway with a hose.”
However, others have declared this recent pandemic not as bad as some are making out, with social introverts everywhere celebrating that they are finally getting a bit of shut in. “Yea look sure the extroverts might hate it, but the prospect of being locked indoors away from people with the internet and video games to keep me company is actually my idea of heaven,” said one local gamer. “Plus the no-touching thing really has finally given me an excuse to stay away from my overly touchy aunt. Frankly, I’m thriving.”


thechaser--2020-03-18--Teachers are perfectly safe, says Education Minister from behind his biohazard suit

Education Minister Dan Tehan visits a school .
`` The teachers are perfectly safe , '' he said .
Teachers are apparently immune to the coronavirus under the latest government plan to deal with the coronavirus by keeping snotty-nosed kids who have no sense of personal space in overcrowded classrooms .
Announcing the plan , Education Minister Dan Tehan , said that the priority was to protect people from the coronavirus .
When asked to clarify whether “ people ” included teachers , Mr Tehan stared blankly at the reporter and replied “ Oh yeah , I hadn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ day , Mr Tehan had an embarrassing mix-up when he confused a teacher for a biohazard abatement screen .
“ If you just put all the school kids in front of this thing then everyone will be safe , ” said the minister pointing to a teacher standing in front of her class .
When journalists pointed out he was actually looking directly at a primary school teacher , the Minister looked confused and then tried to blame the confusion on the fact that teachers were pretty much the same as a biohazard @ @ @ @ @ @ @ while the minister was touring a public school for a photo op to prove what a good idea it is to keep them open .
The minister said the hazmat suit he was wearing had nothing to do with his concern about the virus .
“ This ?
Oh I just picked this up at my local Vinnies .
It ’ s nothing , ” he said .
“ The teachers are perfectly safe .
”

Teachers are apparently immune to the coronavirus under the latest government plan to deal with the coronavirus by keeping snotty-nosed kids who have no sense of personal space in overcrowded classrooms.
Announcing the plan, Education Minister Dan Tehan, said that the priority was to protect people from the coronavirus. When asked to clarify whether “people” included teachers, Mr Tehan stared blankly at the reporter and replied “Oh yeah, I hadn’t thought about them.”
Earlier in the day, Mr Tehan had an embarrassing mix-up when he confused a teacher for a biohazard abatement screen.
“If you just put all the school kids in front of this thing then everyone will be safe,” said the minister pointing to a teacher standing in front of her class.
When journalists pointed out he was actually looking directly at a primary school teacher, the Minister looked confused and then tried to blame the confusion on the fact that teachers were pretty much the same as a biohazard abatement screens.
The comments were made while the minister was touring a public school for a photo op to prove what a good idea it is to keep them open. The minister said the hazmat suit he was wearing had nothing to do with his concern about the virus. “This? Oh I just picked this up at my local Vinnies. It’s nothing,” he said. “The teachers are perfectly safe.”


thechaser--2020-03-18--How dare you buy 2 weeks of food, says govt who told you to buy 2 weeks of food

Scott Morrison has angrily slammed Australians for buying two weeks of food and supplies after being told that they should be prepared for a lockdown that could last two weeks .
“ This is the most unAustralian thing I ’ ve ever seen , ” said the man who spent much of the bushfire crisis in Hawaii .
“ How dare people do the thing we told them to do.
” When asked what people should be doing , Mr Morrison said people should “ be more Australian.
” “ Look , I realise you ’ re scared .
You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ idea what they ’ re doing .
Who can ’ t open their mouth without lying .
You have a government who has delayed all economic stimulus for three weeks just so it falls within a next quarter , ” he said .
“ I too would be angry if I wasn ’ t in a cushy government-paid job that allows me to be assured that I can buy my way out of anything , no matter how bad things get.
” When asked whether he ’ d stocked up on essentials Mr @ @ @ @ @ @ @ admitting “ We have been stockpiling cocktail umbrellas and I made sure we got plenty of food for the wife to cook .
”

How dare you buy 2 weeks of food, says govt who told you to buy 2 weeks of food
Scott Morrison has angrily slammed Australians for buying two weeks of food and supplies after being told that they should be prepared for a lockdown that could last two weeks.
“This is the most unAustralian thing I’ve ever seen,” said the man who spent much of the bushfire crisis in Hawaii. “How dare people do the thing we told them to do.”
When asked what people should be doing, Mr Morrison said people should “be more Australian.”
“Look, I realise you’re scared. You have a government who clearly has no idea what they’re doing. Who can’t open their mouth without lying. You have a government who has delayed all economic stimulus for three weeks just so it falls within a next quarter,” he said.
“I too would be angry if I wasn’t in a cushy government-paid job that allows me to be assured that I can buy my way out of anything, no matter how bad things get.”
When asked whether he’d stocked up on essentials Mr Morrison tried to evade the question before admitting “We have been stockpiling cocktail umbrellas and I made sure we got plenty of food for the wife to cook.”


thechaser--2020-03-19--With toilet paper unavailable, local genius buys month’s supply of Gastro-Stop

With toilet paper now unavailable across the country , one local man , Darren , has come up with a novel solution to the problem .
“ I ran out of toilet paper last night , ” he reported .
“ So I went to the Chemist Warehouse to see if they had any toilet paper .
Like everywhere else , they didn ’ t , but they did have a full shelf of anti-diarrhea medication .
You know , the sort of stuff that blocks you up .
I managed to get a whole month ’ s supply of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Darren said he plans to supplement with a fibre-free diet .
“ It ’ s going to be white bread , cheese and meat for the next month , ” he said .
“ It ’ s a win-win .
I can ’ t believe nobody else thought of it.
” Darren said he ’ d miss going to the toilet , but that he ’ d get through it .
“ It ’ s the only chance I have to get away from the kids.
” Medical professionals warned against the technique @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to was later seen filling his entire shopping trolley with packets of Imodium , Gastro-stop and Poo-Away .

With toilet paper now unavailable across the country, one local man, Darren, has come up with a novel solution to the problem.
“I ran out of toilet paper last night,” he reported. “So I went to the Chemist Warehouse to see if they had any toilet paper. Like everywhere else, they didn’t, but they did have a full shelf of anti-diarrhea medication. You know, the sort of stuff that blocks you up. I managed to get a whole month’s supply of Gastro-stop! I’m sorted.”
Darren said he plans to supplement with a fibre-free diet. “It’s going to be white bread, cheese and meat for the next month,” he said. “It’s a win-win. I can’t believe nobody else thought of it.”
Darren said he’d miss going to the toilet, but that he’d get through it. “It’s the only chance I have to get away from the kids.”
Medical professionals warned against the technique, although the doctor The Chaser spoke to was later seen filling his entire shopping trolley with packets of Imodium, Gastro-stop and Poo-Away.


thechaser--2020-03-19--Local parent completely fucked if Timmy asks about long division

Local home schooling parents James and Janette Bogroll have today realised they know absolutely nothing about anything , after attempting to teach their child third grade arithmetic for half an hour .
Asked by son Timmy to double check his working , the parents stared blankly at the sheet , before shrugging and declaring it ’ s “ probably right ” before doing the sums on their phones .
“ How the hell do you divide 12 by 5 ?
” asked a bemused James .
“ Okay I think I ’ ve got it , according to Google we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a stick in the shape of a Y.
” The incident has already drastically changed the dynamic in the household , with son Timmy being forced to sit his parents down and re-teach them the entirety of years 2-3 of the education curriculum .
“ I ’ ve had to tell them three times now what an adjective is , ” explained Timmy .
“ I ’ m not looking forward to when we get to geography .
I ’ m pretty sure I overheard dad once say Portugal is in South America @ @ @ @ @ @ @ refers to Scott Morrison as the President again .
It ’ s first grade civics !
How are they so bad at this stuff ?
” Timmy ’ s parents have explained that as adults , they have more important things to worry about , such as investing money , managing household bills , and filing taxes , all of which they also know absolutely nothing about .

Local home schooling parents James and Janette Bogroll have today realised they know absolutely nothing about anything, after attempting to teach their child third grade arithmetic for half an hour.
Asked by son Timmy to double check his working, the parents stared blankly at the sheet, before shrugging and declaring it’s “probably right” before doing the sums on their phones.
“How the hell do you divide 12 by 5?” asked a bemused James. “Okay I think I’ve got it, according to Google we’re going to need to find a stick in the shape of a Y.”
The incident has already drastically changed the dynamic in the household, with son Timmy being forced to sit his parents down and re-teach them the entirety of years 2-3 of the education curriculum. “I’ve had to tell them three times now what an adjective is,” explained Timmy. “I’m not looking forward to when we get to geography. I’m pretty sure I overheard dad once say Portugal is in South America. And god help me if mum refers to Scott Morrison as the President again. It’s first grade civics! How are they so bad at this stuff?”
Timmy’s parents have explained that as adults, they have more important things to worry about, such as investing money, managing household bills, and filing taxes, all of which they also know absolutely nothing about.


thechaser--2020-03-19--Local man with no symptoms pretty sure he has it

Local man John Doe has today declared he almost certainly has the bug going round , after noticing that he slightly has a very mild case one of the symptoms and no other signs whatsoever .
“ This is it , I ’ m done for , ” he declared to unconcerned friends and co-workers , “ my leg is slightly aching and I have a runny nose .
Also I ’ m a bit hot .
If you ’ ll all excuse me , I ’ m off to the hospital.
” However , John ’ s partner was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more likely just a symptom of the hayfever he ’ s had every second day since he was twelve and the fact that he just walked up two flights of stairs .
“ Dammit John you say this every time your nose starts running , ” said his frustrated wife Jane .
“ Just take an anti-histamine and stop being so dramatic.
” However , John was unable to hear his wife , as we was too busy quarantining himself in the den with two weeks worth of snacks .
“ If anyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ looking up funeral plans , ” said John .
“ Oh wait , nevermind the anti-histamine just kicked in , I actually feel fine .
”

Local man John Doe has today declared he almost certainly has the bug going round, after noticing that he slightly has a very mild case one of the symptoms and no other signs whatsoever.
“This is it, I’m done for,” he declared to unconcerned friends and co-workers, “my leg is slightly aching and I have a runny nose. Also I’m a bit hot. If you’ll all excuse me, I’m off to the hospital.”
However, John’s partner was quick to point out that this is more likely just a symptom of the hayfever he’s had every second day since he was twelve and the fact that he just walked up two flights of stairs. “Dammit John you say this every time your nose starts running,” said his frustrated wife Jane. “Just take an anti-histamine and stop being so dramatic.”
However, John was unable to hear his wife, as we was too busy quarantining himself in the den with two weeks worth of snacks. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be looking up funeral plans,” said John. “Oh wait, nevermind the anti-histamine just kicked in, I actually feel fine.”


thechaser--2020-03-19--Nation suddenly realises it should have been stocking up on booze not toilet paper

As the weekend approaches , people around the nation are wondering how the hell they ’ ve managed to get through their entire stockpile of booze already .
“ I could have sworn I bought enough to last three weeks , ” said one mother draining her last bottle of red last night .
“ I can ’ t believe I ’ ve been wrestling grannies in Coles for toilet paper all week , when I should have been raiding the Liquorland next door.
” She said that her buying strategy had been to buy a range of beer , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of options , as well as a six pack of Carlton Zero non-alcoholic beer as a healthy alternative .
Only the Carlton Zero remains untouched .
Although her consumption had increased , she didn ’ t think it was a problem .
“ In these stressful times , it ’ s useful to relax in front of the terrifying news with a glass or seven of wine.
” Experts say that as the weekend approaches , people will start panic buying at bottle shops .
“ Just wait until the only beer available @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s when the real panic will kick in.
” One doctor The Chaser spoke to said that drinking alcohol was fine in moderation .
And even better in excess .

Nation suddenly realises it should have been stocking up on booze not toilet paper
As the weekend approaches, people around the nation are wondering how the hell they’ve managed to get through their entire stockpile of booze already.
“I could have sworn I bought enough to last three weeks,” said one mother draining her last bottle of red last night. “I can’t believe I’ve been wrestling grannies in Coles for toilet paper all week, when I should have been raiding the Liquorland next door.”
She said that her buying strategy had been to buy a range of beer, cider and wines to provide a variety of options, as well as a six pack of Carlton Zero non-alcoholic beer as a healthy alternative. Only the Carlton Zero remains untouched.
Although her consumption had increased, she didn’t think it was a problem. “In these stressful times, it’s useful to relax in front of the terrifying news with a glass or seven of wine.”
Experts say that as the weekend approaches, people will start panic buying at bottle shops. “Just wait until the only beer available is Toohey’s Red. That’s when the real panic will kick in.”
One doctor The Chaser spoke to said that drinking alcohol was fine in moderation. And even better in excess.