thechaser--2020-09-15--New fan theory suggests JK Rowling is the real villain of Harry Potter

Formerly beloved childrens author and recovering foot-in-mouth sufferer J.K Rowling has today made the latest in her ongoing series of pointless revelations about her seemingly finished books , with a shock twist that has left fans speechless .
Talking to fans today at the launch of her latest novel , JK Rowling confirmed that Voldemort was just a figurehead in the stories and that she , JK Rowling , is the true villain of the series .
The theory has been floating around the internet for quite some time now , originally being posted on Tumblr around the time that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and everyone else was just too racist to pick up on her lack of clues .
However the alternative reading really gained traction after the self-proclaimed ‘ proud TERF ’ announced a crime novel in which the villain is biologically male but claims to be female in order to kill women in places men shouldn ’ t be .
“ There have been hints of it throughout the entire series , ” said Rose , a 30-year-old philosophy major who still bases her entire personality around a children ’ s novel .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ racist tropes throughout the entire series .
I mean if there is a hurtful lazy stereotype that exists , it is probably in the series at some point .
All of that has been really obvious the entire time but we were ok with overlooking that because the series is all about being who you are and standing up to bigotry , a message we clearly all took into our lives.
” “ Recently thought there have been things Rowling has said and done in real life that suggested there might have been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ strings .
Clearly Rowling is doing a massive modern art performance and the world is her stage .
I mean handing back a humanitarian award so she can be free to attack a marginalised group , that ’ s only things a fictional villain would do.
” In response JK Rowling has hit back against the theory , saying that it ’ s all a misunderstanding .
“ No no no no , you ’ ve got me all wrong , I love trans people !
” explained JK .
“ It ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it up because they want to be bullied , and that they ’ re all just autistic kids who are being abused into believing they are something they aren ’ t and as such don ’ t deserve rights .
See , I ’ m not evil at all !
” Fans responded to this statement saying it “ is exactly what she would say if the theory is true .
Plus , her subtly dropping a dig at autistic people too like that was pure art .
She ’ s really perfectly @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Formerly beloved childrens author and recovering foot-in-mouth sufferer J.K Rowling has today made the latest in her ongoing series of pointless revelations about her seemingly finished books, with a shock twist that has left fans speechless. Talking to fans today at the launch of her latest novel, JK Rowling confirmed that Voldemort was just a figurehead in the stories and that she, JK Rowling, is the true villain of the series.
The theory has been floating around the internet for quite some time now, originally being posted on Tumblr around the time that JK suggested that Hermione was actually black and everyone else was just too racist to pick up on her lack of clues. However the alternative reading really gained traction after the self-proclaimed ‘proud TERF’ announced a crime novel in which the villain is biologically male but claims to be female in order to kill women in places men shouldn’t be.
“There have been hints of it throughout the entire series,” said Rose, a 30-year-old philosophy major who still bases her entire personality around a children’s novel. “At first we based it on the racist tropes throughout the entire series. I mean if there is a hurtful lazy stereotype that exists, it is probably in the series at some point. All of that has been really obvious the entire time but we were ok with overlooking that because the series is all about being who you are and standing up to bigotry, a message we clearly all took into our lives.”
“Recently thought there have been things Rowling has said and done in real life that suggested there might have been a second, hidden villain pulling the strings. Clearly Rowling is doing a massive modern art performance and the world is her stage. I mean handing back a humanitarian award so she can be free to attack a marginalised group, that’s only things a fictional villain would do.”
In response JK Rowling has hit back against the theory, saying that it’s all a misunderstanding. “No no no no, you’ve got me all wrong, I love trans people!” explained JK. “It’s just I think they are making it up because they want to be bullied, and that they’re all just autistic kids who are being abused into believing they are something they aren’t and as such don’t deserve rights. See, I’m not evil at all!”
Fans responded to this statement saying it “is exactly what she would say if the theory is true. Plus, her subtly dropping a dig at autistic people too like that was pure art. She’s really perfectly captured the evil villain character.”


thechaser--2020-09-18--Berry farmer offering fuck all for job in middle of nowhere can’t find employees for some reason

In another shocking example of how socialism is a disease , a not-local berry farmer has revealed he hasn ’ t had many applications to pick fruit on his farm located only a couple hours away from the nearest small town or any other civilisation .
It is yet another example that lazy unemployed people are too picky to pick berries for 10 hours a day , every day , and get paid fuck all at a job that would require them to move quite far away .
What possible reason could a parent who lost their job recently not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ We spoke to Richard , the owner of a normally successful strawberry farm that has been running without any issues by paying backpackers little to nothing for their work then taking basically all that money away in food and board , about how socialism and the unemployed are problems destroying his honest family run business .
“ Why aren ’ t we talking more about these issues ?
” asked the farmer who has also been interviewed by every tabloid , current affairs program and ABC News .
“ We are offering a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one .
None of the people even remotely close to us want to work for us , for reasons that definitely have nothing to do with how we run our business , and that is why we need people to hear us out .
These unemployed idiots aren ’ t even applying for these positions .
I am not saying we should look down on the unemployed , but if they had pride and work ethic wouldn ’ t they want to come work for me for a month and leave having earned @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ I have seen people make allegations that we have been lying and ignoring the real issue , but have you not seen the media coverage around this , clearly the issue is the unemployed people being given enough money to not starve to death .
Also , when the Agriculture Minister said someone earned $ 3800 a week picking fruit , he wasn ’ t lying .
Yeah , I know it would take over 200kgs of fruit an hour all week , but it is possible if you aren ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that had an actual work ethic and will go far in life , I wonder what Clark Kent has been up to these days .
I bet millennials would do it if it was picking avocados , or we could get young people if it was picking tic-toks off of a tree.
” In response there have been proposals to fix the issues that the farmers face that aren ’ t the ridiculous notion of paying more and having better working and living conditions .
The best actual solution has come from the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ MPs from both sides of the aisle .
They have purposed to force all refugees applying for asylum to take these jobs for a year or two , and maybe approving their applications after .
What a revolutionary , modern and humane solution to the problem .
There should really be a word for forcing people to do jobs we don ’ t want to do , like picking fruit , for little to no money , in horrible conditions , in hopes that one day they could eventually have freedom .
There @ @ @ @ @ @ @ being a bad idea .

In another shocking example of how socialism is a disease, a not-local berry farmer has revealed he hasn’t had many applications to pick fruit on his farm located only a couple hours away from the nearest small town or any other civilisation.
It is yet another example that lazy unemployed people are too picky to pick berries for 10 hours a day, every day, and get paid fuck all at a job that would require them to move quite far away. What possible reason could a parent who lost their job recently not want to take up this opportunity?
We spoke to Richard, the owner of a normally successful strawberry farm that has been running without any issues by paying backpackers little to nothing for their work then taking basically all that money away in food and board, about how socialism and the unemployed are problems destroying his honest family run business.
“Why aren’t we talking more about these issues?” asked the farmer who has also been interviewed by every tabloid, current affairs program and ABC News. “We are offering a good job to people who allegedly want one. None of the people even remotely close to us want to work for us, for reasons that definitely have nothing to do with how we run our business, and that is why we need people to hear us out. These unemployed idiots aren’t even applying for these positions. I am not saying we should look down on the unemployed, but if they had pride and work ethic wouldn’t they want to come work for me for a month and leave having earned enough to buy a happy meal?”
“I have seen people make allegations that we have been lying and ignoring the real issue, but have you not seen the media coverage around this, clearly the issue is the unemployed people being given enough money to not starve to death. Also, when the Agriculture Minister said someone earned $3800 a week picking fruit, he wasn’t lying. Yeah, I know it would take over 200kgs of fruit an hour all week, but it is possible if you aren’t lazy. The guy that did that had an actual work ethic and will go far in life, I wonder what Clark Kent has been up to these days. I bet millennials would do it if it was picking avocados, or we could get young people if it was picking tic-toks off of a tree.”
In response there have been proposals to fix the issues that the farmers face that aren’t the ridiculous notion of paying more and having better working and living conditions. The best actual solution has come from the Refugee Council which is made up of MPs from both sides of the aisle. They have purposed to force all refugees applying for asylum to take these jobs for a year or two, and maybe approving their applications after. What a revolutionary, modern and humane solution to the problem. There should really be a word for forcing people to do jobs we don’t want to do, like picking fruit, for little to no money, in horrible conditions, in hopes that one day they could eventually have freedom. There are literally no historical precedents for that being a bad idea.


thechaser--2020-09-18--Twenty-year old who owns seven properties not so fucking smug about it now

A young ‘ investor ’ leveraged up to his Calvin Klein-clad bollocks is not doing as many interviews in the property pages these days .
Chorlton Blythe-Smythe started his portfolio with nothing but determination and $ 685,000 from his parents , but is now feeling the economic downturn .
Blythe-Smythe described the plummeting value of his portfolio as ‘ not fair ’ , while somehow keeping a completely straight face .
He said , “ Sure , I ’ m severely over-leveraged , but I ’ m severely over-leveraged with someone else ’ s money .
So why do I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hasn ’ t called in a week .
It ’ s been days since my last sponsored Instagram post .
When will the good times – me in chinos and a sweater around my neck , talking about ‘ sacrifice ’ in a right-wing newspaper – return ?
” The drop in house prices , attributed to the economic effects of Covid-19 , has mainly affected inner city landlords with enormous mortgages and vanishingly thin lived experiences .
Asked if hubris was also a factor , Blythe-Smythe confirmed he was not familiar with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ child to take his English exams while he traded cryptocurrency using his father ’ s credit card .

Twenty-year old who owns seven properties not so fucking smug about it now
A young ‘investor’ leveraged up to his Calvin Klein-clad bollocks is not doing as many interviews in the property pages these days. Chorlton Blythe-Smythe started his portfolio with nothing but determination and $685,000 from his parents, but is now feeling the economic downturn.
Blythe-Smythe described the plummeting value of his portfolio as ‘not fair’, while somehow keeping a completely straight face. He said, “Sure, I’m severely over-leveraged, but I’m severely over-leveraged with someone else’s money. So why do I feel so bad?”
“Domain.com.au hasn’t called in a week. It’s been days since my last sponsored Instagram post. When will the good times – me in chinos and a sweater around my neck, talking about ‘sacrifice’ in a right-wing newspaper – return?”
The drop in house prices, attributed to the economic effects of Covid-19, has mainly affected inner city landlords with enormous mortgages and vanishingly thin lived experiences.
Asked if hubris was also a factor, Blythe-Smythe confirmed he was not familiar with the word, having paid a poorer child to take his English exams while he traded cryptocurrency using his father’s credit card.


thechaser--2020-09-16--Woman who makes living promoting diet pills boycotts Insta over misinformation

Potential future first lady and businesswoman who doesn ’ t actually run any of her businesses , Kim Kardashian-West has today announced she will be boycotting Facebook and Instagram due to the constant sharing of harmful misinformation on the platforms .
In fact Kim has pointed out that misinformation is so prevalent on the platforms that you can find numerous examples by just scrolling through her sponsored posts .
“ I ’ m , like , really worried about what exposure to this misinformation is doing to our kids , ” said the woman who promotes diet pills to children @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people out there spreading hate .
It ’ s like I said to my friend Ivanka Trump , no one should be promoting racist liars.
” “ Look Facebook and Instagram make money spreading hurtful things about and stealing from marginalised groups , ” said the woman whose family has made a career off of keeping their whiteness under wraps , “ if anyone is going to steal from marginalised groups it should be me and my family !
So back off !
Also if you want to help us fight this disrespectful @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to buy your own ‘ Kimono ’ tm , or any of our clothes that are just designs we blatantly copied from small black designers , or even my sister ’ s Tupac shirt , because all the royalties go directly to us and not the original creators or their estates .
This will help us lift up people who need it.
” “ Also , like kids out there can see things shared around about not wearing masks , it ’ s so dangerous , ” explained the model .
“ The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they make it harder for little girls to consume their meal suppressant lollipops , that you can buy using my discount code ‘ NoFatChicks ’ in my online store .
”

Potential future first lady and businesswoman who doesn’t actually run any of her businesses, Kim Kardashian-West has today announced she will be boycotting Facebook and Instagram due to the constant sharing of harmful misinformation on the platforms. In fact Kim has pointed out that misinformation is so prevalent on the platforms that you can find numerous examples by just scrolling through her sponsored posts.
“I’m, like, really worried about what exposure to this misinformation is doing to our kids,” said the woman who promotes diet pills to children. “Like there are some racist people out there spreading hate. It’s like I said to my friend Ivanka Trump, no one should be promoting racist liars.”
“Look Facebook and Instagram make money spreading hurtful things about and stealing from marginalised groups,” said the woman whose family has made a career off of keeping their whiteness under wraps, “if anyone is going to steal from marginalised groups it should be me and my family! So back off! Also if you want to help us fight this disrespectful systematic oppression please don’t forget to buy your own ‘Kimono’ tm, or any of our clothes that are just designs we blatantly copied from small black designers, or even my sister’s Tupac shirt, because all the royalties go directly to us and not the original creators or their estates. This will help us lift up people who need it.”
“Also, like kids out there can see things shared around about not wearing masks, it’s so dangerous,” explained the model. “The only real issue with masks is that they make it harder for little girls to consume their meal suppressant lollipops, that you can buy using my discount code ‘NoFatChicks’ in my online store.”


thechaser--2020-09-16--Melbourne women unsurprised to hear man who wanted to ‘eat out’ now refuses to

As Melbourne begins steps to open up again , one surprisingly controversial aspect is a push by the government to help support businesses and try to incentivise people to ‘ eat out ’ but not inside the restaurants .
This has led to many guys who have been complaining for over a month because they wanted to ‘ eat out ’ now refusing to do so when the opportunity arises , something many women have labelled ‘ typical ’ .
“ Of course , once again a man is too lazy and selfish to eat out ” said Melbourne resident @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this attitude .
Acting desperate to get something , anything , but when they have to give , even a small gesture like this , they back out at the last second .
Just do what needs to be done and everyone will have a much better time .
Just because you are willing to put in a tip , doesn ’ t mean anyone should have to do extra to ‘ serve you ’ .
Trust me your tip isn ’ t big enough for you to get everything you want .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ want for a change.
” “ Ultimately you ’ re just wasting my time .
What was the point of me going downtown if you are going to be too stubborn and lazy to go downtown as well ?
If you want to grab a meal together for a date and you aren ’ t willing to eat out , you should have just stayed home and taken care of your needs yourself.
” “ And no , just having sausage served with potatoes at your place is not ‘ good enough ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by the experience .
I just pretend you ’ re satisfied by that serving in hope you are packing something more for dessert .
Plus , I know it would destroy your fragile masculinity to hear the truth .
Just because you are satisfied with what you have been given doesn ’ t mean I am , so stop thinking everything ’ s been sorted just because you have finished rather quickly.
” We asked many women around not only Melbourne , but the whole country if they have had similar experiences and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to what Hayley had to say .
We also asked Hayley if there was anything else on her mind in terms of ‘ eating out ’ , to which she responded , “ Oh yeah , there is also that thing I saw on the news about going to restaurants and eating outside .
I like it , money for small business and sitting outside as things start to heat up sounds pretty nice .
Might grab some brunch with my girlfriends once this whole lockdown thing is over .
”

As Melbourne begins steps to open up again, one surprisingly controversial aspect is a push by the government to help support businesses and try to incentivise people to ‘eat out’ but not inside the restaurants. This has led to many guys who have been complaining for over a month because they wanted to ‘eat out’ now refusing to do so when the opportunity arises, something many women have labelled ‘typical’.
“Of course, once again a man is too lazy and selfish to eat out” said Melbourne resident Hayley, “I am sick of this attitude. Acting desperate to get something, anything, but when they have to give, even a small gesture like this, they back out at the last second. Just do what needs to be done and everyone will have a much better time. Just because you are willing to put in a tip, doesn’t mean anyone should have to do extra to ‘serve you’. Trust me your tip isn’t big enough for you to get everything you want. Just be courteous of what other people want for a change.”
“Ultimately you’re just wasting my time. What was the point of me going downtown if you are going to be too stubborn and lazy to go downtown as well? If you want to grab a meal together for a date and you aren’t willing to eat out, you should have just stayed home and taken care of your needs yourself.”
“And no, just having sausage served with potatoes at your place is not ‘good enough’, I want to be fully satisfied by the experience. I just pretend you’re satisfied by that serving in hope you are packing something more for dessert. Plus, I know it would destroy your fragile masculinity to hear the truth. Just because you are satisfied with what you have been given doesn’t mean I am, so stop thinking everything’s been sorted just because you have finished rather quickly.”
We asked many women around not only Melbourne, but the whole country if they have had similar experiences and a large number of women could relate to what Hayley had to say. We also asked Hayley if there was anything else on her mind in terms of ‘eating out’, to which she responded, “Oh yeah, there is also that thing I saw on the news about going to restaurants and eating outside. I like it, money for small business and sitting outside as things start to heat up sounds pretty nice. Might grab some brunch with my girlfriends once this whole lockdown thing is over.”


thechaser--2020-09-19--Kanye offered NRL halfback job after urinating on Grammy award

Kanye West has been offered a job at the NRL after he posted on social media , claiming he ’ d urinated on a Grammy .
But the NRL quickly retracted the offer after administrators realised he had only urinated a music award , rather than an elderly lady .
A source close to the administration said “ As soon as we heard Kanye had done a piss on a granny we had our people reach out .
We know talent when we see it and urinating on an elderly lady is worth at least three years at academy level @ @ @ @ @ @ @ red faces when we realised it was actually a Grammy he ’ d had a slash on .
You ’ ve got to do a bit better than that to play in rugby league , like pissing in your own mouth .
It ’ s a cliché , but still – Todd Carney could win Best Musical Theatre Album but Andrew Lloyd Webber couldn ’ t have curved his piss like that.
” Kanye soiled one of his 21 Grammy awards in a statement to record labels Universal and Sony .
Commentators have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even for him ’ .

Kanye West has been offered a job at the NRL after he posted on social media, claiming he’d urinated on a Grammy.
But the NRL quickly retracted the offer after administrators realised he had only urinated a music award, rather than an elderly lady.
A source close to the administration said “As soon as we heard Kanye had done a piss on a granny we had our people reach out. We know talent when we see it and urinating on an elderly lady is worth at least three years at academy level.
“There were a lot of red faces when we realised it was actually a Grammy he’d had a slash on. You’ve got to do a bit better than that to play in rugby league, like pissing in your own mouth. It’s a cliché, but still – Todd Carney could win Best Musical Theatre Album but Andrew Lloyd Webber couldn’t have curved his piss like that.”
Kanye soiled one of his 21 Grammy awards in a statement to record labels Universal and Sony. Commentators have described the gesture as ‘fucked, even for him’.


thechaser--2020-09-19--Good Year sued for false advertising

Good Year sued for false advertising

The Good Year company has today filed for bankruptcy following a class action suit for false advertising brought by every single person who has had to live through 2020 .
“ They had one job , ” said an unhappy customer protesting outside Good Year headquarters today .
“ Deliver Good Years , and make blimps … or whatever it is the company does I ’ ve never really bothered to look into it.
” “ So far we ’ ve had fires , floods , a plague , riots , police brutality , America ’ s gone all weird @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a supervillain , ” explained one frustrated user of 2020 .
“ This year was sold to me as the year we ’ d get self driving cars , colonies on Mars , and those instant pizzas from back to the future .
They really hid all all these downsides in the fine print.
” This is the second time in recent months the Good Year corporation has come under fire , with the Trump administration calling for a boycott in July after a training slideshow by the company was leaked calling Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ proved largely unsuccessful as Trump supporters were unable to read the slides .
Other companies included in the lawsuit include the new owners of Tiktok , Oracle , for failing to foresee any of this .

The Good Year company has today filed for bankruptcy following a class action suit for false advertising brought by every single person who has had to live through 2020.
“They had one job,” said an unhappy customer protesting outside Good Year headquarters today. “Deliver Good Years, and make blimps … or whatever it is the company does I’ve never really bothered to look into it.”
“So far we’ve had fires, floods, a plague, riots, police brutality, America’s gone all weird, and even Ellen’s now a supervillain,” explained one frustrated user of 2020. “This year was sold to me as the year we’d get self driving cars, colonies on Mars, and those instant pizzas from back to the future. They really hid all all these downsides in the fine print.”
This is the second time in recent months the Good Year corporation has come under fire, with the Trump administration calling for a boycott in July after a training slideshow by the company was leaked calling Trump supporters braindead idiots. The boycott however proved largely unsuccessful as Trump supporters were unable to read the slides.
Other companies included in the lawsuit include the new owners of Tiktok, Oracle, for failing to foresee any of this.


thechaser--2020-09-19--Canada launches ground invasion to save America from itself

The Dominion of Canada has today honoured its obligations under the NATO treaty , by launching a ground invasion across the American border .
The invasion is said to have been triggered by an imminent threat to the safety and wellbeing of Americans across the country , with the Canadian government pledging they will do whatever it takes to save America from itself .
“ We ’ ve been keeping an eye on the situation for a while now , ” explained one member of the Canadian Mounted Forces .
“ Ever since the CIA started funding people who would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the country , you know Bin Laden and the like .
But technically they weren ’ t a direct threat to America so we couldn ’ t really intervene.
” “ Now however , there ’ s clearly a dire threat to the country , with insurgent groups like the White House , the Supreme Court , and the Senate all coming together to work towards destroying America from within.
” With almost 200,000 deaths already attributed to the actions of a small faction of violent extremists known as the ‘ red hats @ @ @ @ @ @ @ longer stand by and watch as the country devolved into civil war .
“ If it had been any other country , America would have invaded by now to drop some Freedom bombs , ” explained Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau .
“ Well I guess without America being around to do it , it ’ s on us to liberate their oil reserves .
Oh and also restore democracy I guess , if we have time .
”

The Dominion of Canada has today honoured its obligations under the NATO treaty, by launching a ground invasion across the American border. The invasion is said to have been triggered by an imminent threat to the safety and wellbeing of Americans across the country, with the Canadian government pledging they will do whatever it takes to save America from itself.
“We’ve been keeping an eye on the situation for a while now,” explained one member of the Canadian Mounted Forces. “Ever since the CIA started funding people who would obviously go on to try and destroy the country, you know Bin Laden and the like. But technically they weren’t a direct threat to America so we couldn’t really intervene.”
“Now however, there’s clearly a dire threat to the country, with insurgent groups like the White House, the Supreme Court, and the Senate all coming together to work towards destroying America from within.”
With almost 200,000 deaths already attributed to the actions of a small faction of violent extremists known as the ‘red hats’ Canada says that they could no longer stand by and watch as the country devolved into civil war. “If it had been any other country, America would have invaded by now to drop some Freedom bombs,” explained Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. “Well I guess without America being around to do it, it’s on us to liberate their oil reserves. Oh and also restore democracy I guess, if we have time.”


thechaser--2020-09-20--Miranda Devine hires Youtuber to help her fake a sincere apology

Alleged journalist and professional disabled-child bully Miranda Devine has today sought out help for making a convincing yet not-at-all sincere apology online , hiring experts in the field known as ‘ Youtubers with Child Audiences ’ .
Commonly referred to as ‘ douchetubers ’ , the professional trolls who develop a career around doing morally indefensible in order to drive engagement on their product placements have become frequent apologists on YouTube , to the point where they now have the insincere apology down to a fine art and are sought out to advise other media on how to best fake @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Devine has uploaded a video to YouTube ‘ sincerely ’ apologising for her actions , called “ I messed up – defame a child prank gone wrong [ apology ] [ not clickbait ] ” .
“ First and most importantly I apologise to my fans , ” sobbed Devine in the video .
“ There is no excuses or defences on my end .
All I was doing was sharing and supporting other people ’ s baseless accusations , as well as publicising these allegations and saying they were real .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on my end or my fault , but again I take full responsibility , unless the judge in my defamation case is hearing this , in which case no I do not.
” “ Also , to the kid and family I made up allegations about in order to ruin their lives and boost my profile .
I am sorry !
After speaking to my lawyer , I have decided completely on my own and definitely not because I have to , that I soon may be giving the family a lot of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I will do better in the future.
” Speaking as the employers of Devine , a representative for News Corporation said they were also sorry about the incident , “ This kind of racism is completely unacceptable , ” explained the editor .
“ Our audiences can rest assured that we will go to great lengths to make sure it will happen again .
”

Alleged journalist and professional disabled-child bully Miranda Devine has today sought out help for making a convincing yet not-at-all sincere apology online, hiring experts in the field known as ‘Youtubers with Child Audiences’.
Commonly referred to as ‘douchetubers’, the professional trolls who develop a career around doing morally indefensible in order to drive engagement on their product placements have become frequent apologists on YouTube, to the point where they now have the insincere apology down to a fine art and are sought out to advise other media on how to best fake saying sorry.
With their help Miranda Devine has uploaded a video to YouTube ‘sincerely’ apologising for her actions, called “I messed up – defame a child prank gone wrong [apology] [not clickbait]”.
“First and most importantly I apologise to my fans,” sobbed Devine in the video. “There is no excuses or defences on my end. All I was doing was sharing and supporting other people’s baseless accusations, as well as publicising these allegations and saying they were real. I don’t think it was defamation on my end or my fault, but again I take full responsibility, unless the judge in my defamation case is hearing this, in which case no I do not.”
“Also, to the kid and family I made up allegations about in order to ruin their lives and boost my profile. I am sorry! After speaking to my lawyer, I have decided completely on my own and definitely not because I have to, that I soon may be giving the family a lot of money for defaming them. I pinkie-promise I will do better in the future.”
Speaking as the employers of Devine, a representative for News Corporation said they were also sorry about the incident, “This kind of racism is completely unacceptable,” explained the editor. “Our audiences can rest assured that we will go to great lengths to make sure it will happen again.”


thechaser--2020-09-21--Dan Andrews annexes Poland

Dan Andrews annexes Poland

Reports emerging out of Europe this morning indicate the Polish capital Warsaw has fallen to the Victorian Liberation Forces , after Dictator Dan Andrews sought to further entrench his ruthless grip on power .
The move is just the latest escalation by the out of control power-hungry maniac Dan Andrews , with many witnesses saying the move into complete genocidal fascism was not at all unexpected .
“ You know we all saw this coming when he asked everyone politely to stay indoors for a few weeks and watch Netflix to save the elderly , ” explained one historian .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ any dictator – first a public health order to prevent a plague , then boom invade Poland and set up concentration camps .
Oldest trick in the books.
” Asked why he had suddenly decided to own his title of ‘ Dictator Dan ’ , Andrews said he was simply trying to win over the Sun Herald .
“ At first I thought I ’ d try get them on side by being a widely loved and competent leader , ” explained Andrews .
“ But that didn ’ t work .
So @ @ @ @ @ @ @ leaders they support and I realised I ’ ve been doing this all back to front .
The one consistent thing the Herald Sun has praised is leaders who put people in detention camps – so it turns out they actually secretly want a dictator.
” “ Anyway , I ’ ve got ta go , we ’ re about to start the pogroms .
This one ’ s for you Herald Sun .
”

Reports emerging out of Europe this morning indicate the Polish capital Warsaw has fallen to the Victorian Liberation Forces, after Dictator Dan Andrews sought to further entrench his ruthless grip on power.
The move is just the latest escalation by the out of control power-hungry maniac Dan Andrews, with many witnesses saying the move into complete genocidal fascism was not at all unexpected. “You know we all saw this coming when he asked everyone politely to stay indoors for a few weeks and watch Netflix to save the elderly,” explained one historian. “It’s the typical process any dictator – first a public health order to prevent a plague, then boom invade Poland and set up concentration camps. Oldest trick in the books.”
Asked why he had suddenly decided to own his title of ‘Dictator Dan’, Andrews said he was simply trying to win over the Sun Herald. “At first I thought I’d try get them on side by being a widely loved and competent leader,” explained Andrews. “But that didn’t work. So instead I looked at what kind of leaders they support and I realised I’ve been doing this all back to front. The one consistent thing the Herald Sun has praised is leaders who put people in detention camps – so it turns out they actually secretly want a dictator.”
“Anyway, I’ve gotta go, we’re about to start the pogroms. This one’s for you Herald Sun.”


thechaser--2020-09-21--Scott Morrison dies after trying to show off lump of gas in parliament

Troubling scenes have emerged out of Canberra today after numerous MPs were rushed to hospital to be treated for carbon monoxide poisoning .
The issue was caused by a parliamentary stunt in the House of Representatives , in which Prime Minister Scott Morrison opened multiple gas bottles on the floor of parliament to demonstrate the harmless nature of fossil fuel .
“ There ’ s nothing to be afraid of , take a deep breath – it ’ s just gas !
” Mr Morrison was heard slurring .
“ See ish perflectly harmlesh , and I … oh dear @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to take a quick nap on the floor.
” The Prime Minister also rejected the notion that a transition plan to renewables should involve renewables , or even a plan , stating that green energy clearly doesn ’ t work if you ignore all the cases where it does .
The situation on parliament ’ s floor reportedly devolved into disorderly schoolboy–style antics soon after , as a delirious Barnaby Joyce suggested they blow up a deodorant can next .
A spokesperson for the Prime Minister assured The Chaser that the cost of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ using taxpayer money , instead being a generous donation from fossil fuel lobbyists .

Scott Morrison dies after trying to show off lump of gas in parliament
Troubling scenes have emerged out of Canberra today after numerous MPs were rushed to hospital to be treated for carbon monoxide poisoning.
The issue was caused by a parliamentary stunt in the House of Representatives, in which Prime Minister Scott Morrison opened multiple gas bottles on the floor of parliament to demonstrate the harmless nature of fossil fuel.
“There’s nothing to be afraid of, take a deep breath – it’s just gas!” Mr Morrison was heard slurring. “See ish perflectly harmlesh, and I … oh dear excuse me I’m just going to take a quick nap on the floor.”
The Prime Minister also rejected the notion that a transition plan to renewables should involve renewables, or even a plan, stating that green energy clearly doesn’t work if you ignore all the cases where it does.
The situation on parliament’s floor reportedly devolved into disorderly schoolboy–style antics soon after, as a delirious Barnaby Joyce suggested they blow up a deodorant can next. A spokesperson for the Prime Minister assured The Chaser that the cost of the gas bottles was not paid for using taxpayer money, instead being a generous donation from fossil fuel lobbyists.


thechaser--2020-09-22--Morrison defends airport overspending saying he “paid mates rates”

Guy who tries to seem like a ‘ typical Aussie bloke ’ despite being the embodiment of wearing a Ralph Lauren sweater over your shoulders , Prime Minister Scott Morrison has defended the government paying $ 30m for land valued at $ 3m for the Western Sydney Airport .
“ Ol ’ Mate Scomo ” as his PR team requested we call him , clarified in an exclusive interview with The Chaser that he was in fact “ just paying mates rates ” and that the dealing involved “ many other common blokey shenanigans ” .
“ Yeah nah mate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” said the Prime Minister while angle-grinding a flat-pack shelf wearing white chinos and a Sharks jersey he just had dry-cleaned and pressed .
“ It was just a typical mates rates deal you see .
Deals like these are very common around Australia , especially within our government .
I mean just look at the recent gas investment , the money we constantly give to Rupert , or even all the money we gave Angus Taylor ’ s mates for that water which will probably come eventually .
Internally we even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ‘ mates rates ’ cause that is essentially what they are .
How great are mates rates ?
!
” After a brief interruption by Mr. Morrison ’ s manservant who came in to remove the PM ’ s first ever splinter , Scomo had more to say about the auditor ’ s findings .
“ To the auditors who raised concern about the repeated reference of the “ goodwill ” between us and the seller throughout ‘ negotiations ’ , and that we didn ’ t get a second opinion of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , have they never done deals with mates before ?
Typical elites don ’ t even understand how the real world works .
Of course , I have goodwill with me mates , that ’ s how mates work !
At least that ’ s what my PR team told me .
You don ’ t dog the boys by getting someone else in even if it might be slightly more expensive .
I mean what ’ s $ 27m between mates ?
” “ Also , all this crap about ‘ not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ land decades before we plan to use it ’ , um how about helping out a mate ?
To suggest that a mates rates deal was unethical is bloody Un-Australian !
Hell I even offered to pay in $ 30m worth of cases of beer !
” In response to the renewed calls for a Federal ICAC , the Prime Minister had this prepared statement to read out , “ Oh come off it mate .
We don ’ t need a Federal ICAC , stopping being such a snitch.
” After concern @ @ @ @ @ @ @ prepared him enough on the matter , he continued completely unassisted saying , “ Heavens to Betsy , I shall hear no more of these allegations of tomfoolery and humbugging .
Anybody who persists with these actions against us are men without valour or honour , without valour I say !
”

Guy who tries to seem like a ‘typical Aussie bloke’ despite being the embodiment of wearing a Ralph Lauren sweater over your shoulders, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has defended the government paying $30m for land valued at $3m for the Western Sydney Airport.
“Ol’ Mate Scomo” as his PR team requested we call him, clarified in an exclusive interview with The Chaser that he was in fact “just paying mates rates” and that the dealing involved “many other common blokey shenanigans”.
“Yeah nah mate, it was just a handshake deal,” said the Prime Minister while angle-grinding a flat-pack shelf wearing white chinos and a Sharks jersey he just had dry-cleaned and pressed. “It was just a typical mates rates deal you see. Deals like these are very common around Australia, especially within our government. I mean just look at the recent gas investment, the money we constantly give to Rupert, or even all the money we gave Angus Taylor’s mates for that water which will probably come eventually. Internally we even call our tax rate cuts for millionaires ‘mates rates’ cause that is essentially what they are. How great are mates rates?!”
After a brief interruption by Mr. Morrison’s manservant who came in to remove the PM’s first ever splinter, Scomo had more to say about the auditor’s findings. “To the auditors who raised concern about the repeated reference of the “goodwill” between us and the seller throughout ‘negotiations’, and that we didn’t get a second opinion of the value of the land, I ask, have they never done deals with mates before? Typical elites don’t even understand how the real world works. Of course, I have goodwill with me mates, that’s how mates work! At least that’s what my PR team told me. You don’t dog the boys by getting someone else in even if it might be slightly more expensive. I mean what’s $27m between mates?”
“Also, all this crap about ‘not showing any benefit to paying for the land decades before we plan to use it’, um how about helping out a mate? To suggest that a mates rates deal was unethical is bloody Un-Australian! Hell I even offered to pay in $30m worth of cases of beer!”
In response to the renewed calls for a Federal ICAC, the Prime Minister had this prepared statement to read out, “Oh come off it mate. We don’t need a Federal ICAC, stopping being such a snitch.” After concern that his PR team hadn’t prepared him enough on the matter, he continued completely unassisted saying, “Heavens to Betsy, I shall hear no more of these allegations of tomfoolery and humbugging. Anybody who persists with these actions against us are men without valour or honour, without valour I say!”


thechaser--2020-09-23--Albanese finally stands up to Morrison! Wait no, he just wanted to fix the PM’s tie

Alleged Opposition leader and guy who just wants everyone to be his mate , Anthony Albanese has today briefly excited millions of Australians by finally standing up to Scott Morrison in parliament .
However , disappointment quickly set in after it was made clear Albo just wanted to fix the PM ’ s tie , before kneeling to kiss his ring then sitting back down to cheer the PM on .
We sat down with Albo to talk about accidently exciting Australians for the first time since he took over as Labor ‘ leader ’ .
This is what he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I just wanted to help the Prime Minister out because I would hate for anything to make Scomo look bad .
Really , I brought hope ?
I am so glad to hear that .
You see I was worried about the voters that keep calling me a disappointment .
See I thought by calling me disappointing that implied they thought I had a chance to begin with , which may make them sound naïve .
I am glad to have been able to give them hope briefly so it now makes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ See my plan as the opposition leader has been to keep as quiet as possible as to not upset voters .
I will say something every once and a while but I like to wait a bit first to feel out whether I might alienate people by standing my ground .
See if I wait a few weeks or a month , by then Penny , Kevin , Bill , Malcom , the Greens and all the experts probably would have stood up to Scotty first , so I know I won @ @ @ @ @ @ @ else by doing so .
I feel like this will help me in the polls .
Sure , some might say it hasn ’ t worked since Scomo is at 67 % on the polls , but Dan Andrews is at 70 % and the media say he is on his way out , so I am in with a chance.
” When asked if he is stuck between a rock and a hard place between what voters want and what Murdoch wants , the former DJ had this to say , “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ see eye-to-eye with the Australian public or the experts in whatever field he is talking about , but he is still a bloke I don ’ t want hating me .
I don ’ t want anyone to hate me .
That ’ s why I haven ’ t pointed to the Murdoch doco on iview breaking down how he is a danger to democracy , it might hurt his feelings .
Classic ABC bias , going after a bloke like that.
” In response to this , Labor voters have once again @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as Labor leader thinking she would be able to turn this country around due to her consistent fighting for what she believes in and standing up to the LNP .
Some have pointed out however that she is in the Senate not the House of Representatives .
Another issue is that this is Australia and she is an Asian Lesbian Women , no amount of popularity or skill at the job would make Australia or our Media accept her as leader .
Remember although she is an inspiration to many , this is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ TV for some reason .

Alleged Opposition leader and guy who just wants everyone to be his mate, Anthony Albanese has today briefly excited millions of Australians by finally standing up to Scott Morrison in parliament. However, disappointment quickly set in after it was made clear Albo just wanted to fix the PM’s tie, before kneeling to kiss his ring then sitting back down to cheer the PM on.
We sat down with Albo to talk about accidently exciting Australians for the first time since he took over as Labor ‘leader’. This is what he had to say.
“Oh wow, I just wanted to help the Prime Minister out because I would hate for anything to make Scomo look bad. Really, I brought hope? I am so glad to hear that. You see I was worried about the voters that keep calling me a disappointment. See I thought by calling me disappointing that implied they thought I had a chance to begin with, which may make them sound naïve. I am glad to have been able to give them hope briefly so it now makes sense that I can disappoint them.”
“See my plan as the opposition leader has been to keep as quiet as possible as to not upset voters. I will say something every once and a while but I like to wait a bit first to feel out whether I might alienate people by standing my ground. See if I wait a few weeks or a month, by then Penny, Kevin, Bill, Malcom, the Greens and all the experts probably would have stood up to Scotty first, so I know I won’t be offending him or anyone else by doing so. I feel like this will help me in the polls. Sure, some might say it hasn’t worked since Scomo is at 67% on the polls, but Dan Andrews is at 70% and the media say he is on his way out, so I am in with a chance.”
When asked if he is stuck between a rock and a hard place between what voters want and what Murdoch wants, the former DJ had this to say, “Look, Rupert Murdoch may not always see eye-to-eye with the Australian public or the experts in whatever field he is talking about, but he is still a bloke I don’t want hating me. I don’t want anyone to hate me. That’s why I haven’t pointed to the Murdoch doco on iview breaking down how he is a danger to democracy, it might hurt his feelings. Classic ABC bias, going after a bloke like that.”
In response to this, Labor voters have once again pushed for Penny Wong to take over as Labor leader thinking she would be able to turn this country around due to her consistent fighting for what she believes in and standing up to the LNP. Some have pointed out however that she is in the Senate not the House of Representatives. Another issue is that this is Australia and she is an Asian Lesbian Women, no amount of popularity or skill at the job would make Australia or our Media accept her as leader. Remember although she is an inspiration to many, this is a country that wants Karl Stefanovic on TV for some reason.


thechaser--2020-09-23--Australians to be killed and turned into ‘Hamilton’ tickets, admits Treasurer

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg admitted that from October 1 Australians will have to be killed and turned into tickets to the world-renowned musical theatre production Hamilton , which premieres in Sydney next March .
Artists and academics will be the first among those culled .
“ Look , we need to fix our shit economy , ” said the former investment banker this morning , “ and what better way to do that than through the death of Australia ’ s artistic and intellectual base ?
” Left-wing critics are lukewarm on the plan , saying it could possibly breach the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ But the Treasurer accused the left of being “ pathetic ” with “ no vision ” and “ lost on petty dog-whistling ” while calmly sipping a glass of single-malt whisky , before stating that Jesus was his favourite member of the Wu-Tang Clan .
Meanwhile , Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese said he would have to look at the details of the plan before he decided whether he was for or against it .
Insiders say government modelling shows that tickets to Hamilton are now worth far more than the average Australian , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ easy one .
Donors to the Liberal Party will be exempt from the new measure .

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg admitted that from October 1 Australians will have to be killed and turned into tickets to the world-renowned musical theatre production Hamilton, which premieres in Sydney next March.
Artists and academics will be the first among those culled. “Look, we need to fix our shit economy,” said the former investment banker this morning, “and what better way to do that than through the death of Australia’s artistic and intellectual base?”
Left-wing critics are lukewarm on the plan, saying it could possibly breach the human rights of those being murdered.
But the Treasurer accused the left of being “pathetic” with “no vision” and “lost on petty dog-whistling” while calmly sipping a glass of single-malt whisky, before stating that Jesus was his favourite member of the Wu-Tang Clan.
Meanwhile, Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese said he would have to look at the details of the plan before he decided whether he was for or against it.
Insiders say government modelling shows that tickets to Hamilton are now worth far more than the average Australian, and so the decision had been an easy one.
Donors to the Liberal Party will be exempt from the new measure.


thechaser--2020-09-23--Government hides evidence of failed NBN rollout by storing it on NBN servers

The federal government has today announced a ‘ new ’ NBN plan , to bring fibre internet to households all around the country , a plan they insist is definitely not what the NBN has meant to look like before the Abbott government decided most people only use the internet for morse code .
The new NBN plan reverses the previous genius cost cutting measures implemented by Malcolm Turnbull , which completely blew the original budget , used already outdated technology and took way longer to roll out than what the previous Labor government had planned .
Reports that suggested @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the government has successfully been able to hide all evidence by storing it on NBN servers .
“ This government are already masters at hiding their mistakes , but this is pure genius , ” explained one political commentator .
“ Normally they just abuse loopholes to remove all information from Freedom of Information requests , but this is a whole new level .
Not only would this plan stop anyone who has the NBN from finding the information because it would be impossible to load , it also stops reporters without the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crash due to the traffic of one person trying to access it.
” We reached out to the creator of this new plan Kevin Rudd for a statement on the LNP ’ s new revolutionary idea .
In a lengthy response which we have had translated from its original Mandarin , the former PM said : “ It ’ s my idea , that ’ s what I wanted the whole time !
Are you serious ?
Let me guess Murdoch media is going to praise it despite the relentless attacks I had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ every criticism against my NBN be used against these hypocrites , now they are just going to steal my one because it ’ s better .
They are all [ censored ] [ censored ] moronic [ censored ] cunts.
” The government has denied the allegations that this is what Kevin Rudd planned saying , “ Rudd ’ s terrible NBN was very different .
See his plan didn ’ t involve putting a bad NBN in first that requires fixing , so his would have been far quicker and cheaper .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ last bit ?
”

The federal government has today announced a ‘new’ NBN plan, to bring fibre internet to households all around the country, a plan they insist is definitely not what the NBN has meant to look like before the Abbott government decided most people only use the internet for morse code. The new NBN plan reverses the previous genius cost cutting measures implemented by Malcolm Turnbull, which completely blew the original budget, used already outdated technology and took way longer to roll out than what the previous Labor government had planned. Reports that suggested these issues originate from 2013, however the government has successfully been able to hide all evidence by storing it on NBN servers.
“This government are already masters at hiding their mistakes, but this is pure genius,” explained one political commentator. “Normally they just abuse loopholes to remove all information from Freedom of Information requests, but this is a whole new level. Not only would this plan stop anyone who has the NBN from finding the information because it would be impossible to load, it also stops reporters without the NBN from accessing it because the servers crash due to the traffic of one person trying to access it.”
We reached out to the creator of this new plan Kevin Rudd for a statement on the LNP’s new revolutionary idea. In a lengthy response which we have had translated from its original Mandarin, the former PM said:
“It’s my idea, that’s what I wanted the whole time! Are you serious? Let me guess Murdoch media is going to praise it despite the relentless attacks I had to deal with. Not only can every criticism against my NBN be used against these hypocrites, now they are just going to steal my one because it’s better. They are all [censored] [censored] moronic [censored] cunts.”
The government has denied the allegations that this is what Kevin Rudd planned saying, “Rudd’s terrible NBN was very different. See his plan didn’t involve putting a bad NBN in first that requires fixing, so his would have been far quicker and cheaper. Wait, can you not quote that last bit?”


thechaser--2020-09-23--Woolworths apologises for Ivan Milat Ooshie

Woolworths have recalled 100,000 Ooshies after what the company described as a ‘ creative error ’ .
The collectible plastic toys were part of the Australian Icons series that included Banjo Paterson , Sir Don Bradman , Bob Hawke , Sir Marcus Oliphant and Ivan Milat .
It is the Milat figure that is being withdrawn from circulation .
The figure depicted him wearing his trademark stovepipe hat and holding a sawn-off shotgun .
Mum of four Judy Glaeter expressed her fury at the addition .
“ He should not be in the collection at the expense of a real @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” she said .
“ If I spend $ 30 I want an Ooshie with only minor crimes to their name.
” “ How am I supposed to explain this to my kids ?
” she continued , holding up one of the figures .
“ They wanted The Mandalorian ” A spokesperson for the supermarket chain said “ We unreservedly apologise for the creation and distribution of the Ivan Milat Ooshie .
Woolworths does not consider him to be an Australian Icon.
” “ That ’ s the last time we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ promotions ” she added .

Woolworths have recalled 100,000 Ooshies after what the company described as a ‘creative error’. The collectible plastic toys were part of the Australian Icons series that included Banjo Paterson, Sir Don Bradman, Bob Hawke, Sir Marcus Oliphant and Ivan Milat. It is the Milat figure that is being withdrawn from circulation.
The figure depicted him wearing his trademark stovepipe hat and holding a sawn-off shotgun.
Mum of four Judy Glaeter expressed her fury at the addition. “He should not be in the collection at the expense of a real icon like Shane Warne or Angry Anderson,” she said. “If I spend $30 I want an Ooshie with only minor crimes to their name.”
“How am I supposed to explain this to my kids?” she continued, holding up one of the figures. “They wanted The Mandalorian”
A spokesperson for the supermarket chain said “We unreservedly apologise for the creation and distribution of the Ivan Milat Ooshie. Woolworths does not consider him to be an Australian Icon.”
“That’s the last time we get a backpacker in to help with promotions” she added.


thechaser--2020-09-24--NSW Police and Rio Tinto join forces in new strip mining initiative

The NSW police force has today proudly announced they will be teaming up with mining giant Rio Tinto to help deliver a new raft of blatantly illegal things that immediately make you say “ wait , who on earth thought that was a good idea ?
” Working to both their strengths , the two organisations will both be investing in new strip mining leases – with NSW police helping to strip the surface layer of all sites before Rio Tinto delicately blow them up .
The project so far has been a great success , with only eight culturally @ @ @ @ @ @ @ We ’ ve always been great at stripping things , ” explained one representative for the NSW police force .
“ From innocent teenagers catching public transport , to anyone wanting to get into a music festival , we ’ re always looking for new opportunities to trample on someone ’ s rights .
So when we heard Rio Tinto offering an opportunity for us to combine our first love of stripping things with our second love of debasing the rights of our country ’ s first people , well we just couldn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that the programme has gone well , though they admitted it had got off to a rocky start .
“ Yea we had a board meeting day one where we all got arrested for disturbing the public peace , ” explained one executive .
“ But once the NSW police calmed down we were able to explain to them it was just a misplaced space in the slideshow title , and ‘ POLICE – RIOT INTO MEETING ’ was not an invitation for them to start senselessly beating everyone there .
”

The NSW police force has today proudly announced they will be teaming up with mining giant Rio Tinto to help deliver a new raft of blatantly illegal things that immediately make you say “wait, who on earth thought that was a good idea?”
Working to both their strengths, the two organisations will both be investing in new strip mining leases – with NSW police helping to strip the surface layer of all sites before Rio Tinto delicately blow them up.
The project so far has been a great success, with only eight culturally significant Aboriginal sites irreparably damaged. “We’ve always been great at stripping things,” explained one representative for the NSW police force. “From innocent teenagers catching public transport, to anyone wanting to get into a music festival, we’re always looking for new opportunities to trample on someone’s rights. So when we heard Rio Tinto offering an opportunity for us to combine our first love of stripping things with our second love of debasing the rights of our country’s first people, well we just couldn’t resist.”
Rio Tinto agreed that the programme has gone well, though they admitted it had got off to a rocky start. “Yea we had a board meeting day one where we all got arrested for disturbing the public peace,” explained one executive. “But once the NSW police calmed down we were able to explain to them it was just a misplaced space in the slideshow title, and ‘POLICE – RIOT INTO MEETING’ was not an invitation for them to start senselessly beating everyone there.”


thechaser--2020-09-25--Victoria fast tracks 5G rollout to encourage conspiracy theorists to stay indoors

The Victorian government has today announced plans to plant 5G towers disguised as trees on every street corner across the state , in an attempt to convince the growing number of conspiracy theorists to remain locked in their homes .
The announcement follows a wave of recent protests against lockdowns from a range of unhinged lunatics employed by Rupert Murdoch .
“ Dan Andrews has completely lost his mandate for this lockdown !
” complained one basement dweller at the Herald Sun .
“ Only 70 % of the population supports him according to recent polling , which means he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ some coal mines while he ’ s at it.
” However , insiders within the Victorian government have suggested there is an even deeper conspiracy at play , with some suggesting the ‘ 5G trees ’ are in fact , just trees .
“ Yea we worked out it was actually cheaper just to not build the towers and claim we did , ” explained one NBN contractor smoking on the side of the road .
“ Still has the same effect on the conspiracy nuts , and by delivering our new patented @ @ @ @ @ @ @ city ’ instead of ‘ fibre to the street corner tower ’ we will save billions of dollars that we will then probably have to spend in a few years time when everybody complains they can ’ t get internet .
It ’ s a completely foolproof plan .
”

The Victorian government has today announced plans to plant 5G towers disguised as trees on every street corner across the state, in an attempt to convince the growing number of conspiracy theorists to remain locked in their homes. The announcement follows a wave of recent protests against lockdowns from a range of unhinged lunatics employed by Rupert Murdoch.
“Dan Andrews has completely lost his mandate for this lockdown!” complained one basement dweller at the Herald Sun. “Only 70% of the population supports him according to recent polling, which means he should definitely stand down and also build some coal mines while he’s at it.”
However, insiders within the Victorian government have suggested there is an even deeper conspiracy at play, with some suggesting the ‘5G trees’ are in fact, just trees. “Yea we worked out it was actually cheaper just to not build the towers and claim we did,” explained one NBN contractor smoking on the side of the road. “Still has the same effect on the conspiracy nuts, and by delivering our new patented ‘fibre to the single tower per city’ instead of ‘fibre to the street corner tower’ we will save billions of dollars that we will then probably have to spend in a few years time when everybody complains they can’t get internet. It’s a completely foolproof plan.”


thechaser--2020-09-27--Private school boys expelled after being caught not minimising tax

In a further blow to its reputation , five boys from The Shore School , on Sydney ’ s North Shore have been caught not minimising the tax payable on several private family trusts they inherited .
The boys caught out in the scandal were immediately expelled from the school , which was a much greater punishment than that given to the boys embroiled in the earlier muck-up day scandal last week .
“ Look , we can put up with spitting on homeless people or defecating on trains , but not minimising the tax payable on investments they ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
It goes against the values of this school , ” said one teacher .
A secret document was distributed amongst the Year 12 boys was leaked to the press , and showed that the boys lacked basic understanding of effective tax structuring .
“ If you ’ ve got an investment property and the renters pay more than the interest payable on the investment loan , then cha-ching !
It ’ s happy days , ” read the document .
This runs counter to the advise of tax accountants , as it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of negative gearing provisions in the tax code .
“ These boys are 17 or 18 years old , ” said one tax specialist .
They should know better than to forego the advantageous treatment of interest payments on investment properties .
This is basic stuff.
” Another passage in the leaked document suggested boys buy ETFs directly , rather than through an off-shore investment vehicle .
“ That ’ s just madness .
What were they thinking ?
That would make them liable for a whole range of taxes on dividend income @ @ @ @ @ @ @ until repatriation of those funds .
What this shows is that something is very , very wrong at The Shore School.
” Experts said it raised fundamental questions on what The Shore School was teaching the boys .
“ If they don ’ t know about offshoring their inheritance after six years at the school , then why the hell would you send your kid there ?
”

In a further blow to its reputation, five boys from The Shore School, on Sydney’s North Shore have been caught not minimising the tax payable on several private family trusts they inherited.
The boys caught out in the scandal were immediately expelled from the school, which was a much greater punishment than that given to the boys embroiled in the earlier muck-up day scandal last week.
“Look, we can put up with spitting on homeless people or defecating on trains, but not minimising the tax payable on investments they’ve inherited is a step too far. It goes against the values of this school,” said one teacher.
A secret document was distributed amongst the Year 12 boys was leaked to the press, and showed that the boys lacked basic understanding of effective tax structuring.
“If you’ve got an investment property and the renters pay more than the interest payable on the investment loan, then cha-ching! It’s happy days,” read the document. This runs counter to the advise of tax accountants, as it means the investment cannot take advantage of negative gearing provisions in the tax code.
“These boys are 17 or 18 years old,” said one tax specialist. They should know better than to forego the advantageous treatment of interest payments on investment properties. This is basic stuff.”
Another passage in the leaked document suggested boys buy ETFs directly, rather than through an off-shore investment vehicle.
“That’s just madness. What were they thinking? That would make them liable for a whole range of taxes on dividend income each year, rather than avoiding them until repatriation of those funds. What this shows is that something is very, very wrong at The Shore School.”
Experts said it raised fundamental questions on what The Shore School was teaching the boys. “If they don’t know about offshoring their inheritance after six years at the school, then why the hell would you send your kid there?”


thechaser--2020-09-28--Top Republicans deeply concerned Trump couldn’t avoid paying $750 in tax

Republicans are today reeling at the revelations that Donald Trump has paid just $ 750 federal income taxes on billions of dollars of revenue .
Records obtained by the New York Times show he paid little more than a rounding error of his income on taxes in both 2016 and 2017 , which top conservatives claim is far more than any self-respecting millionaire should ever give away to the government .
“ It really makes us question his competence , ” said one senior Republican , who asked not to be named out of fear of being made the subject @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are hundreds of loopholes one could use to write off those expenses , yet he still paid them .
Ideally , he should be receiving money from the government come tax season !
What is he , a communist ?
” A source inside the White House said many Trump backers are now considering perhaps making plans to think about maybe being a tad less supportive of the President .
Two minutes later , he called back to inform us that he and the GOP support Trump 100 % , and tearfully begged @ @ @ @ @ @ @ such things .
The White House has denied the allegations , rebuking all accusation of incompetence in a strongly worded tweet .
“ Fake news from the failing New York Times !
I pay less tax than anyone else in the world !
It ’ s the biggest tax avoidance you ’ ve ever seen !
Huge tax avoidance !
It ’ s even bigger than my hands , which are enormous !
”

Republicans are today reeling at the revelations that Donald Trump has paid just $750 federal income taxes on billions of dollars of revenue. Records obtained by the New York Times show he paid little more than a rounding error of his income on taxes in both 2016 and 2017, which top conservatives claim is far more than any self-respecting millionaire should ever give away to the government.
“It really makes us question his competence,” said one senior Republican, who asked not to be named out of fear of being made the subject of an incoherent tweet. “There are hundreds of loopholes one could use to write off those expenses, yet he still paid them. Ideally, he should be receiving money from the government come tax season! What is he, a communist?”
A source inside the White House said many Trump backers are now considering perhaps making plans to think about maybe being a tad less supportive of the President. Two minutes later, he called back to inform us that he and the GOP support Trump 100%, and tearfully begged us not ever tell anyone he said such things.
The White House has denied the allegations, rebuking all accusation of incompetence in a strongly worded tweet. “Fake news from the failing New York Times! I pay less tax than anyone else in the world! It’s the biggest tax avoidance you’ve ever seen! Huge tax avoidance! It’s even bigger than my hands, which are enormous!”


thechaser--2020-09-29--As the ‘only one who can judge’ George Pell, God calls him a cunt

In an extremely rare appearance , God has broken her silence to come out and condemn the actions of former cardinal and guy who should not be allowed within 100 meters of baptism water , George Pell .
In an update to her biography “ The Bible ” , God added extra pages to specifically discuss the allegations against and actions of Pell , passing her judgement calling him a ‘ cunt ’ .
“ Thou shall not use my name to defend that monster , ” demanded God , as an Easter Egg to her previous work , “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ made my judgement on George Pell and that monster is definitely a cunt .
I know everything so I , along with the police , multiple judges and a jury of his peers , know what he has done .
My son is ready to welcome him with open arms after he dies .
No , not Jesus the other one , the one George thinks every gay person gets sent to after they die .
You love to see people like him going to Hell !
He should have known I am @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he somehow miss the plagues and time I flooded the entire planet out of revenge ?
” “ How can someone who believes in my lessons do the shit he has done ?
Did he not read the bible ?
I will make it very clear .
Don ’ t rape kids and don ’ t help cover up the rape of kids !
I know I didn ’ t specifically say it in the 10 commandments , but come on .
It ’ s the feel of the bible , it ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to do that .
I mean I said not to commit adulty and not to covet someone else ’ s partner , in hindsight those aren ’ t that bad in comparison since both probably involve consenting adults .
‘ Thou shall not be a fucking paedo or help a paedo ’ should have just been a given .
I know everything and even I can ’ t believe I have to specifically say not to do that !
” “ Lastly I want to clarify when the authors of the bible added @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stuff , they meant trivial things not serious stuff .
Like let me deal with why your friend showed up late for your birthday without telling you , or that guy that cut you off on the highway , or even people who say ‘ he couldn ’ t care less ’ .
When it comes to horrific crimes , those can definitely be judged by judges and juries .
They are called judges , for heaven ’ s sake !
Hopefully this will be the last time I have to wipe out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a message across .
Kind Regards ( not including Pell and the others like him ) .
The og , God.
” In response to this many die-hard Christians said they still plan to defend Pell and others saying , “ Like many parts of the Bible , I will just ignore that part and continue to focus on the bits that fit my view of the world .
So please be kind to one another .
Remember you aren ’ t God so you can ’ t judge me for that or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ continue to judge and dehumanise the LGBTQ community .

In an extremely rare appearance, God has broken her silence to come out and condemn the actions of former cardinal and guy who should not be allowed within 100 meters of baptism water, George Pell. In an update to her biography “The Bible”, God added extra pages to specifically discuss the allegations against and actions of Pell, passing her judgement calling him a ‘cunt’.
“Thou shall not use my name to defend that monster,” demanded God, as an Easter Egg to her previous work, “Please cut this shit. I have made my judgement on George Pell and that monster is definitely a cunt. I know everything so I, along with the police, multiple judges and a jury of his peers, know what he has done. My son is ready to welcome him with open arms after he dies. No, not Jesus the other one, the one George thinks every gay person gets sent to after they die. You love to see people like him going to Hell! He should have known I am not ‘all forgiving’, did he somehow miss the plagues and time I flooded the entire planet out of revenge?”
“How can someone who believes in my lessons do the shit he has done? Did he not read the bible? I will make it very clear. Don’t rape kids and don’t help cover up the rape of kids! I know I didn’t specifically say it in the 10 commandments, but come on. It’s the feel of the bible, it’s the vibe of the bible not to do that. I mean I said not to commit adulty and not to covet someone else’s partner, in hindsight those aren’t that bad in comparison since both probably involve consenting adults. ‘Thou shall not be a fucking paedo or help a paedo’ should have just been a given. I know everything and even I can’t believe I have to specifically say not to do that!”
“Lastly I want to clarify when the authors of the bible added that ‘only God can judge’ stuff, they meant trivial things not serious stuff. Like let me deal with why your friend showed up late for your birthday without telling you, or that guy that cut you off on the highway, or even people who say ‘he couldn’t care less’. When it comes to horrific crimes, those can definitely be judged by judges and juries. They are called judges, for heaven’s sake! Hopefully this will be the last time I have to wipe out a large chunk of people to get a message across. Kind Regards (not including Pell and the others like him). The og, God.”
In response to this many die-hard Christians said they still plan to defend Pell and others saying, “Like many parts of the Bible, I will just ignore that part and continue to focus on the bits that fit my view of the world. So please be kind to one another. Remember you aren’t God so you can’t judge me for that or anything else, including the way I continue to judge and dehumanise the LGBTQ community.


thechaser--2020-09-29--It’s Trump’s right to not pay tax on Russian bounties, say Republicans

The leadership of the Republican Party has swung behind Donald Trump after leaked documents revealed he avoided paying taxes on his cut of the bounties he ’ s been receiving from Russia for every US troop killed over the past four years .
“ The Republican Party is the party of low taxes , and that includes low taxes on Russian bounties , ” said Republican Majority Leader Mitch McConnell .
He condemned Democrats for politicising the details of Mr Trump ’ s personal tax affairs just weeks away from the election .
“ This was simply a commercial matter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his tax payable is what any red-blooded American billionaire would do .
Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnell denied it was “ inappropriate ” for the President to receive payments from Russia for each US troop killed during the Presidency .
“ This was a perfect example of Trump ’ s commitment to the American entrepreneurial spirit.
” Mr Trump has downplayed the Russian scheme to pay bounties on US troops ever since it was made public earlier this year .
Democrats accused him of a cover-up , but it now appears he just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get a cut of the bounty money .

The leadership of the Republican Party has swung behind Donald Trump after leaked documents revealed he avoided paying taxes on his cut of the bounties he’s been receiving from Russia for every US troop killed over the past four years.
“The Republican Party is the party of low taxes, and that includes low taxes on Russian bounties,” said Republican Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
He condemned Democrats for politicising the details of Mr Trump’s personal tax affairs just weeks away from the election. “This was simply a commercial matter between him and Russia, and minimising his tax payable is what any red-blooded American billionaire would do.
Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnell denied it was “inappropriate” for the President to receive payments from Russia for each US troop killed during the Presidency. “This was a perfect example of Trump’s commitment to the American entrepreneurial spirit.”
Mr Trump has downplayed the Russian scheme to pay bounties on US troops ever since it was made public earlier this year. Democrats accused him of a cover-up, but it now appears he just didn’t want anyone else to get a cut of the bounty money.


America loses debate

The United States of America has exhaled a deep and concerned sigh today , after realising what they just saw on TV represents the best chance they ’ ve got at bringing their country back from the brink .
“ Huh , well , uh that was something , ” said dazed people across America after watching a half hour car crash on live TV .
“ I think we almost touched on some policy there.
” “ Am I crazy or did the President just avoid denouncing white supremacy ?
” asked one slightly concerned viewer .
“ Also @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bring up the Obama supreme court nomination ?
” “ I guess they ’ re the best we ’ ve got , ” shrugged another viewer .
“ Otherwise that ’ d mean we ’ re pitting a mediocre old white guy who can ’ t keep from tripping over his words against a monster who is happy to just make up facts to make his opponent look bad in the middle of a pandemic while the economy crumbles .
No , I ’ m choosing to believe all of that went well @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a precipice .
”

The United States of America has exhaled a deep and concerned sigh today, after realising what they just saw on TV represents the best chance they’ve got at bringing their country back from the brink. “Huh, well, uh that was something,” said dazed people across America after watching a half hour car crash on live TV. “I think we almost touched on some policy there.”
“Am I crazy or did the President just avoid denouncing white supremacy?” asked one slightly concerned viewer. “Also how the hell did Biden not even bring up the Obama supreme court nomination?”
“I guess they’re the best we’ve got,” shrugged another viewer. “Otherwise that’d mean we’re pitting a mediocre old white guy who can’t keep from tripping over his words against a monster who is happy to just make up facts to make his opponent look bad in the middle of a pandemic while the economy crumbles. No, I’m choosing to believe all of that went well and we’re not heading for a precipice.”


thechaser--2020-09-30--The results are in: Chris Wallace lost the debate

Fox News host and leader of America ’ s opposition party , Chris Wallace , has today been declared the loser of the first Presidential debate , after he failed to keep the man who is supposed to be running the world ’ s largest economy from babbling like a toddler for 30 minutes .
“ Mr President , if I could just , yes but , yes I know but , if I could just touch on the economy , ” said an exasperated Wallace as Trump repeated the words Moscow for the 80th time .
“ Ye… yes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ yes but Mr , Mr President , yes but you agreed , Mr President you agreed , yes , I know that , but if I could , okay go ahead.
” President Trump agreed that Wallace was the loser , saying he had always known that .
“ Wallace is the biggest hater and loser I ’ ve ever met , ” said Trump while he was supposed to be eulogising a fallen soldier .
“ A lot of people they say to me , why do you even let him ask @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so much better at it Mr Trump , and I tell them they ’ re right .
People always tell me that watching my rallies is like watching someone mass debate on screen for 2 hours.
” Joe Biden meanwhile has been declared the winner of the debate , on the grounds that he is simply not the worst person ever born .
“ Yea look everything he said was mediocre and uninspiring , ” said one voter who watched the debate , “ but at least he wasn ’ t a bankrupt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t even bring himself to denounce white supremacists .
So I guess he won ?
”

Fox News host and leader of America’s opposition party, Chris Wallace, has today been declared the loser of the first Presidential debate, after he failed to keep the man who is supposed to be running the world’s largest economy from babbling like a toddler for 30 minutes.
“Mr President, if I could just, yes but, yes I know but, if I could just touch on the economy,” said an exasperated Wallace as Trump repeated the words Moscow for the 80th time. “Ye… yes, yes I know but Mr, yes but Mr, Mr President, yes but you agreed, Mr President you agreed, yes, I know that, but if I could, okay go ahead.”
President Trump agreed that Wallace was the loser, saying he had always known that. “Wallace is the biggest hater and loser I’ve ever met,” said Trump while he was supposed to be eulogising a fallen soldier. “A lot of people they say to me, why do you even let him ask questions you know? You’re so much better at it Mr Trump, and I tell them they’re right. People always tell me that watching my rallies is like watching someone mass debate on screen for 2 hours.”
Joe Biden meanwhile has been declared the winner of the debate, on the grounds that he is simply not the worst person ever born. “Yea look everything he said was mediocre and uninspiring,” said one voter who watched the debate, “but at least he wasn’t a bankrupt spray tanned childish narcissist who somehow couldn’t even bring himself to denounce white supremacists. So I guess he won?”


thechaser--2020-09-30--Couple renames wedding ‘Liberal party conference’ to boost allowed guest numbers

Wedding planners in South Australia have devised a new plan to double the amount of people allowed at an event due to Covid-19 by organising weddings during Liberal Party functions .
This plan is said to be inspired by the recent Liberal Party AGM that had twice the amount of people than events like weddings and funerals are allowed in the state .
“ Finally , some government hypocrisy I can get behind !
” Said one planner , “ Couples are stressed enough with planning the wedding , the economic crisis and the pandemic , so this will hopefully @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it allow for a lot more guests , they no longer have to worry about things like date and location because they have to fit in with the function .
It is a win , win , win .
The only downside is it means there are a bunch of Liberal party members around the wedding .
I mean there is no way they would follow a gift registry , you could need a toaster and they would just give you tax cuts for the rich .
However , they might get confused @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s event and funnel a few million in gifts from the budget.
” In order to not arouse suspicion , planners have suggested a few tips to their clients to help fit in at a Liberal Party event .
“ I have told clients to make their vows things they plan to just ignore as soon as everything is done .
And to add in the phrase ‘ How great are weddings !
’ .
” “ Plus , instead of using cars to get to the event , get everyone else @ @ @ @ @ @ @ helicopter.
” “ Also make sure if your guests are thirsty , take some money from them claiming you will immediately buy them water , then just give the money to your mates and don ’ t get them the water.
” “ Lastly , make sure your wedding is powered only using non-renewable energy , and if you could replace the diamond engagement ring with a lump of coal , that would go down great.
” But some couples have shown concern for the changes , partly because it would involve attending @ @ @ @ @ @ @ because they no longer have an excuse to not invite ‘ Jess from work ’ to the wedding .

Wedding planners in South Australia have devised a new plan to double the amount of people allowed at an event due to Covid-19 by organising weddings during Liberal Party functions. This plan is said to be inspired by the recent Liberal Party AGM that had twice the amount of people than events like weddings and funerals are allowed in the state.
“Finally, some government hypocrisy I can get behind!” Said one planner, “Couples are stressed enough with planning the wedding, the economic crisis and the pandemic, so this will hopefully ease some stress. Not only does it allow for a lot more guests, they no longer have to worry about things like date and location because they have to fit in with the function. It is a win, win, win. The only downside is it means there are a bunch of Liberal party members around the wedding. I mean there is no way they would follow a gift registry, you could need a toaster and they would just give you tax cuts for the rich. However, they might get confused and think it’s a friend’s event and funnel a few million in gifts from the budget.”
In order to not arouse suspicion, planners have suggested a few tips to their clients to help fit in at a Liberal Party event.
“I have told clients to make their vows things they plan to just ignore as soon as everything is done. And to add in the phrase ‘How great are weddings!’.”
“Plus, instead of using cars to get to the event, get everyone else to pay for you to arrive via helicopter.”
“Also make sure if your guests are thirsty, take some money from them claiming you will immediately buy them water, then just give the money to your mates and don’t get them the water.”
“Lastly, make sure your wedding is powered only using non-renewable energy, and if you could replace the diamond engagement ring with a lump of coal, that would go down great.”
But some couples have shown concern for the changes, partly because it would involve attending a Liberal Party event, but mainly because they no longer have an excuse to not invite ‘Jess from work’ to the wedding.


thechaser--2020-10-01--“US leaders are crazy” says country whose PM denied slavery existed

After whatever that US presidential debate was , many people around Australia have spent the last couple days talking about how unbelievably ridiculous US politicians are .
Many Aussies are relieved that our politics and leaders are definitely ‘ nothing ’ like the shambles seen in the US and how they ‘ couldn ’ t imagine ’ what it was like to have leaders like that .
“ I am so glad we aren ’ t like the US , ” said many Aussies while chatting at work when the boss isn ’ t looking , “ I can ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be like .
I mean could you imagine not liking either leaders of the two parties ?
Also , their discussions weren ’ t focused on policy , instead just partisan blame games and disrespectful arguing .
Our politicians would never stoop to things like that.
” “ Where do we even start with Trump ?
I mean the constant corruption scandals , the constant tax cuts for the rich , constantly blaming others for his government ’ s failures , the lies about bringing coal mining jobs back , the way he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ burns , or the way he prioritises himself and his popularity over actually helping his people .
Thank God that doesn ’ t describe our Prime Minister .
Like Trump and his cabinet fight against having independent investigations into alleged corruption , a thing our government famously allows every time.
” “ Plus , the country clearly has an issue with racism but doesn ’ t do much to solve it .
Trump wouldn ’ t even denounce White Supremacism ; does he not know domestic far-right terrorism has drastically risen over the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ intelligence agency warned of a rise here and I assume our leaders condemned such actions publicly , since it ’ s such an unbelievably easy and low bar to clear .
They have even had to have rallies to try to get the government to accept that black lives matter , and their leaders still refuse to .
That ’ s insane !
” “ Also , the way they idolise horrible people in the past .
Like they still have Columbus Day in some states , praising a ruthless invader who wanted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ already inhabited land would never happen here .
Now today they treat refugees inhumanly and ignore constant calls from the UN to show these refugees basic decency .
I am glad unlike them we don ’ t just claim to love freedom and then support suppressing it.
” “ And , did you see the executive order last week that bans schools and universities from teaching the dark history of America ’ s racism and the way it pushed against the civil rights movement ?
I mean that couldn ’ t happen here @ @ @ @ @ @ @ class so I know we didn ’ t have our own civil rights movement and instead just followed what the US and South Africa were doing at the time .
Imagine not learning about the recent racist history of your own country in school .
Australia would never fall for distractions and propaganda like the way we see it happens in the US .
”

After whatever that US presidential debate was, many people around Australia have spent the last couple days talking about how unbelievably ridiculous US politicians are. Many Aussies are relieved that our politics and leaders are definitely ‘nothing’ like the shambles seen in the US and how they ‘couldn’t imagine’ what it was like to have leaders like that.
“I am so glad we aren’t like the US,” said many Aussies while chatting at work when the boss isn’t looking, “I can’t even think about what it would be like. I mean could you imagine not liking either leaders of the two parties? Also, their discussions weren’t focused on policy, instead just partisan blame games and disrespectful arguing. Our politicians would never stoop to things like that.”
“Where do we even start with Trump? I mean the constant corruption scandals, the constant tax cuts for the rich, constantly blaming others for his government’s failures, the lies about bringing coal mining jobs back, the way he just leaves on holiday while the country burns, or the way he prioritises himself and his popularity over actually helping his people. Thank God that doesn’t describe our Prime Minister. Like Trump and his cabinet fight against having independent investigations into alleged corruption, a thing our government famously allows every time.”
“Plus, the country clearly has an issue with racism but doesn’t do much to solve it. Trump wouldn’t even denounce White Supremacism; does he not know domestic far-right terrorism has drastically risen over the last few years? Last week our intelligence agency warned of a rise here and I assume our leaders condemned such actions publicly, since it’s such an unbelievably easy and low bar to clear. They have even had to have rallies to try to get the government to accept that black lives matter, and their leaders still refuse to. That’s insane!”
“Also, the way they idolise horrible people in the past. Like they still have Columbus Day in some states, praising a ruthless invader who wanted to enslave indigenous people and colonise an already inhabited land would never happen here. Now today they treat refugees inhumanly and ignore constant calls from the UN to show these refugees basic decency. I am glad unlike them we don’t just claim to love freedom and then support suppressing it.”
“And, did you see the executive order last week that bans schools and universities from teaching the dark history of America’s racism and the way it pushed against the civil rights movement? I mean that couldn’t happen here, I paid close attention to history class so I know we didn’t have our own civil rights movement and instead just followed what the US and South Africa were doing at the time. Imagine not learning about the recent racist history of your own country in school. Australia would never fall for distractions and propaganda like the way we see it happens in the US.”


thechaser--2020-10-02--Australia urges Cardinal Pell to be by president’s side

Australians have urged Cardinal George Pell to be by Donald Trump ’ s side in his hour of need , @ @ @ @ @ at kissing him better .
Since the news broke of the United States president ’ @ @ @ @ @ across the country have begged Pell to go to America to be close – really @ @ @ @ @ the ailing commander in chief .
Many have been quoted saying the clergyman should do @ @ @ @ @ there .
Australian Sean Porter said “ This virus is especially deadly to men aged @ @ @ @ @ no time to lose .
If I could say one thing to Cardinal George Pell @ @ @ @ @ Go to the White House and be by the President ’ s side .
And @ @ @ @ @ let him cough in your mouth.
” However , doctors have issued a warning about @ @ @ @ @ The novel coronavirus has a fatality rate of around 20 % for men in that @ @ @ @ @ % .
”

Australians have urged Cardinal George Pell to be by Donald Trump’s side in his hour of need, and to have a go at kissing him better.
Since the news broke of the United States president’s battle with Covid-19 people across the country have begged Pell to go to America to be close – really, really close – to the ailing commander in chief. Many have been quoted saying the clergyman should do whatever it takes to be there.
Australian Sean Porter said “This virus is especially deadly to men aged over 70 so there is no time to lose. If I could say one thing to Cardinal George Pell it would be this: Go to the White House and be by the President’s side. And share his toothbrush. And let him cough in your mouth.”
However, doctors have issued a warning about the proposed plan. “The novel coronavirus has a fatality rate of around 20% for men in that age bracket. Only 20%.”


thechaser--2020-10-02--‘I heard you lost your sense of taste and smell’ wheezes a winking Trump to Melania

Donald Trump has made an awkward shuffling advance to the woman he is legally married to , and currently in @ @ @ @ @ contracted Covid-19 , the obese septuagenarian took the chance to remind Melania she would not @ @ @ @ @ smell anything ‘ If something were to happen between us ’ .
Despite potentially only @ @ @ @ @ the president ’ s wife rebuffed his orange slug in favour of “ anything , @ @ @ @ @ all ” .
But insiders say Trump is right to continue his campaign .
“ @ @ @ @ @ five senses is the best thing to happen to their marriage , ” said one @ @ @ @ @ could get rid of the other three it would be even better.
” Experts say @ @ @ @ @ unlikely to work on Melania .
“ Trump can only Hope .
”

Donald Trump has made an awkward shuffling advance to the woman he is legally married to, and currently in quarantine with. After both contracted Covid-19, the obese septuagenarian took the chance to remind Melania she would not be able to taste or smell anything ‘If something were to happen between us’.
Despite potentially only having weeks to live, the president’s wife rebuffed his orange slug in favour of “anything, oh god, anything at all”.
But insiders say Trump is right to continue his campaign. “Melania losing two of her five senses is the best thing to happen to their marriage,” said one insider. “If she could get rid of the other three it would be even better.”
Experts say Trump’s advances are unlikely to work on Melania. “Trump can only Hope.”


thechaser--2020-10-02--Millions congregate across America in vigil praying for a speedy death

Millions of Americans have taken to the streets tonight upon hearing the news that the President has contracted a deadly @ @ @ @ @ in prayers for the President .
“ Please god we are begging you , ” @ @ @ @ @ “ just take this monster already and let us all get on with our lives.
@ @ @ @ @ National Mall , some attending said they were deeply saddened by the news .
“ @ @ @ @ @ happen now ?
” asked one distraught mother , “ Why not four years ago @ @ @ @ @ they were concerned for Trump ’ s health , mourners said they were sure he @ @ @ @ @ “ It ’ s only a flu , ” explained one woman holding a candle @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m sure it ’ ll just magically disappear in a few weeks .
@ @ @ @ @ Donald says , we don ’ t even need to wear masks .
It is @ @ @ @ @

Millions of Americans have taken to the streets tonight upon hearing the news that the President has contracted a deadly disease, with millions joining in prayers for the President. “Please god we are begging you,” said one prayer leader, “just take this monster already and let us all get on with our lives.”
Raising candles on the National Mall, some attending said they were deeply saddened by the news. “Why did this have to happen now?” asked one distraught mother, “Why not four years ago!?”
Asked whether they were concerned for Trump’s health, mourners said they were sure he’d be fine. “It’s only a flu,” explained one woman holding a candle outside her house. “I’m sure it’ll just magically disappear in a few weeks. It’s just like Donald says, we don’t even need to wear masks. It is what it is.”