thechaser--2020-11-30--Triple J announce hip new breakfast host Alan Jones

Youth broadcast station Triple J has today revealed their revamped breakfast show lineup , with a new focus on diversity and balance .
Head of Triple J Ita Buttrose announced she is glad to finally see some fresh faced talent being given a shot in the Australian media industry , with young gun Alan Jones taking over the coveted breakfast slot , after he realised the station has no advertisers to boycott him .
“ Yea guys , I ’ m just fully stoked to be able to drop some spicy beats and fire bangers for all the Aussie legends @ @ @ @ @ @ @ broadcaster during first shift on air .
“ I ’ ve been a real fan of the station since it was Single J back in 1923 .
Anyway that ’ s enough cheeky bants from me , up now here ’ s Tame Impala.
” Although an unorthodox choice for the station , representatives say that Alan will bring a diverse set of talents to the role , namely the ability to be handed a fuckload of money from the Liberal Party for absolutely no reason .
“ Yea we ’ re really @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our lineup , ” announced Triple J ’ s new head of programming Ray Hadley .
“ His spicy hot takes and strangely enthusiastic embracement of the youth market is perfect for a station which has been crucially lacking in the 90-100 demographic for the last 20 years.
” “ I ’ ve been dreaming of landing this gig since high school , ” explained Alan , “ specifically since I was kicked out of a high school for leaving love letters to the students.
” If anyone wishes to contact Alan , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the sails of the Opera House .

Youth broadcast station Triple J has today revealed their revamped breakfast show lineup, with a new focus on diversity and balance. Head of Triple J Ita Buttrose announced she is glad to finally see some fresh faced talent being given a shot in the Australian media industry, with young gun Alan Jones taking over the coveted breakfast slot, after he realised the station has no advertisers to boycott him.
“Yea guys, I’m just fully stoked to be able to drop some spicy beats and fire bangers for all the Aussie legends out there,” said the veteran broadcaster during first shift on air. “I’ve been a real fan of the station since it was Single J back in 1923. Anyway that’s enough cheeky bants from me, up now here’s Tame Impala.”
Although an unorthodox choice for the station, representatives say that Alan will bring a diverse set of talents to the role, namely the ability to be handed a fuckload of money from the Liberal Party for absolutely no reason.
“Yea we’re really pumped to have the A dog in our lineup,” announced Triple J’s new head of programming Ray Hadley. “His spicy hot takes and strangely enthusiastic embracement of the youth market is perfect for a station which has been crucially lacking in the 90-100 demographic for the last 20 years.”
“I’ve been dreaming of landing this gig since high school,” explained Alan, “specifically since I was kicked out of a high school for leaving love letters to the students.”
If anyone wishes to contact Alan, his personal text line can be found on the sails of the Opera House.


thechaser--2020-11-30--Following The Crown’s lead, Sky News to pre-warn viewers that their stories are mostly fiction

Fans of Sky News have expressed shock and outrage today , after it was revealed that most stories featured in the news network ’ s programming were complete fabrications and not at all based in reality , in what Sky are justifying as “ The Crown ” model of news broadcasting .
The warning , to play before every show broadcast , will alert viewers that occasionally elements of the stories told in the show may accidentally be true , and that viewers should use their own discretion to filter out any accidental pro-Labor sentiment .
“ Unfortunately we can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ those closed doors , ” said Andrew Bolt , reporting on people inside their homes in Melbourne .
“ But we can only assume that they are probably cowering in fear , afraid to leave because of all the African gangs roaming the streets.
” However , News Corp have hit back against critics who say their passing off heavily slanted opinion as serious journalism is damaging the profession , stating that the opposite is in fact true .
“ Just watch this video of impartial observer Peta Credlin stating that we are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one executive .
“ You have to believe what she says , after all her previous career as Tony Abbott ’ s chief of staff means she is clearly the most balanced and fair broadcaster you ’ ll ever come across.
” “ Just ask anyone on Sky News and they ’ ll agree .
”

Following The Crown’s lead, Sky News to pre-warn viewers that their stories are mostly fiction
Fans of Sky News have expressed shock and outrage today, after it was revealed that most stories featured in the news network’s programming were complete fabrications and not at all based in reality, in what Sky are justifying as “The Crown” model of news broadcasting.
The warning, to play before every show broadcast, will alert viewers that occasionally elements of the stories told in the show may accidentally be true, and that viewers should use their own discretion to filter out any accidental pro-Labor sentiment.
“Unfortunately we can never really know what goes on behind those closed doors,” said Andrew Bolt, reporting on people inside their homes in Melbourne. “But we can only assume that they are probably cowering in fear, afraid to leave because of all the African gangs roaming the streets.”
However, News Corp have hit back against critics who say their passing off heavily slanted opinion as serious journalism is damaging the profession, stating that the opposite is in fact true. “Just watch this video of impartial observer Peta Credlin stating that we are all really good journalists,” explained one executive. “You have to believe what she says, after all her previous career as Tony Abbott’s chief of staff means she is clearly the most balanced and fair broadcaster you’ll ever come across.”
“Just ask anyone on Sky News and they’ll agree.”


thechaser--2020-12-01--“Difference is we own up to our war crimes” says PM still charging the whistleblower

Prime Minister until the next bushfires , Scott Morrison , has hit out against the Chinese Government today , over a doctored image depicting war crimes Australian soldiers allegedly committed .
“ Why make light of this situation , it was an isolated event , and we ’ re dealing with it , ” Mr Morrison said .
“ You can rest assured that we are seeking that the full force of the law is brought against the monster responsible for this – the whistle-blower David McBride who evily let the public know about the child killings.
” “ The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reprehensible , ” continued the PM despite the question being about the Robodebt scandal .
“ Our troops deserve respect .
If our battler troops overseas slice the throats of children then we should not be criticizing them , we should be paying for their lawyers like true blue Aussie Kerry Stokes .
God you guys are going to give war criminals a bad name.
” “ The more important thing to remember here is that the way the CCP treats Muslims is disgraceful , ” said the PM who currently has Muslim @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Unlike the CCP , in this country we are open about the dark elements of our country ’ s past and we don ’ t shy away from them .
Not that we ’ d need to , we didn ’ t even have slavery in this country.
” “ See unlike the CCP , in Australia we own up to our mistakes and believe in the freedom of information .
China tries to hide their crimes through intimidation and imprisonment .
Whereas we don ’ t .
We just push @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to be prosecuted and tried to get ASIO to treat journalists as spies and get the ability so secretly detain them for attempting to research corruption.
” “ Anyway , I ’ ve got to go , I ’ m hearing reports that a teenager somewhere has posted a meme about how Australia dispossessed their native people of their lands and put them in re-education camps up until the 70s .
We ’ ve already deployed an elite ADF team to deal with the teenager .
”

Prime Minister until the next bushfires, Scott Morrison, has hit out against the Chinese Government today, over a doctored image depicting war crimes Australian soldiers allegedly committed. “Why make light of this situation, it was an isolated event, and we’re dealing with it,” Mr Morrison said. “You can rest assured that we are seeking that the full force of the law is brought against the monster responsible for this – the whistle-blower David McBride who evily let the public know about the child killings.”
“The fake image from the Chinese government is reprehensible,” continued the PM despite the question being about the Robodebt scandal. “Our troops deserve respect. If our battler troops overseas slice the throats of children then we should not be criticizing them, we should be paying for their lawyers like true blue Aussie Kerry Stokes. God you guys are going to give war criminals a bad name.”
“The more important thing to remember here is that the way the CCP treats Muslims is disgraceful,” said the PM who currently has Muslim children locked up on an island prison. “Unlike the CCP, in this country we are open about the dark elements of our country’s past and we don’t shy away from them. Not that we’d need to, we didn’t even have slavery in this country.”
“See unlike the CCP, in Australia we own up to our mistakes and believe in the freedom of information. China tries to hide their crimes through intimidation and imprisonment. Whereas we don’t. We just push for AFP to raid journalists, whistle-blowers to be prosecuted and tried to get ASIO to treat journalists as spies and get the ability so secretly detain them for attempting to research corruption.”
“Anyway, I’ve got to go, I’m hearing reports that a teenager somewhere has posted a meme about how Australia dispossessed their native people of their lands and put them in re-education camps up until the 70s. We’ve already deployed an elite ADF team to deal with the teenager.”


thechaser--2020-12-01--Andrew Bolt blasts people fleeing bushfires “We can’t let fire stop us living our lives”

Convicted racist Andrew Bolt has today taken to the airwaves to condemn local governments urging their residents to leave fire affected areas , stating that people need to simply learn to live with the fires , and to not let it stop them from living their lives .
“ Think of the economy , ” raged Bolt , “ has anyone considered the effect it will have on employment if people simply don ’ t turn up to work , even if the shop is currently burning down around them .
No , we simply can ’ t risk that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , lives can be replaced , but theoretical numbers representing wealth must be protected at all costs.
” “ The best thing we can do to help the Australian economy is to open up those roads , get those fire trucks out of the way and learn to live alongside the fire , ” he continued .
“ Also maybe we should all try to set ourselves on fire so we all develop immunity .
Sure every expert on fires says that won ’ t work , but I heard someone in Sweden @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scientists are all idiots .
Nobody Google whether he died .
”

Convicted racist Andrew Bolt has today taken to the airwaves to condemn local governments urging their residents to leave fire affected areas, stating that people need to simply learn to live with the fires, and to not let it stop them from living their lives.
“Think of the economy,” raged Bolt, “has anyone considered the effect it will have on employment if people simply don’t turn up to work, even if the shop is currently burning down around them. No, we simply can’t risk that economic growth falter for even a second, lives can be replaced, but theoretical numbers representing wealth must be protected at all costs.”
“The best thing we can do to help the Australian economy is to open up those roads, get those fire trucks out of the way and learn to live alongside the fire,” he continued. “Also maybe we should all try to set ourselves on fire so we all develop immunity. Sure every expert on fires says that won’t work, but I heard someone in Sweden once tried it, so clearly the scientists are all idiots. Nobody Google whether he died.”


thechaser--2020-12-01--Morrison fires back at China with spicy distracted boyfriend meme

Prime Minister of Australia Scott Morrison has today thoroughly pwnd China in the meme war , after he dropped a @ @ @ @ @ his timeline in retaliation for China ’ s last missive .
Declaring the entire Chinese @ @ @ @ @ Morrison has warned that China must retract yesterday ’ s meme , featuring a picture @ @ @ @ @ children , otherwise he will be forced to unleash Australia ’ s full arsenal of @ @ @ @ @ I don ’ t often criticise foreign governments , ” stated Morrison while holding a @ @ @ @ @ today , “ but when I do , it ’ s because they pointed out @ @ @ @ @ they were so focused on other countries problems , instead of addressing their own internal @ @ @ @ @ both governments responded , “ No it ’ s fine when I do it , @ @ @ @ @ human rights violators , ” in the form of an official diplomatic surprised spiderman meme @

Prime Minister of Australia Scott Morrison has today thoroughly pwnd China in the meme war, after he dropped a spicy distracted boyfriend meme in his timeline in retaliation for China’s last missive.
Declaring the entire Chinese government “simps”, Morrison has warned that China must retract yesterday’s meme, featuring a picture of an Australian soldier slaughtering children, otherwise he will be forced to unleash Australia’s full arsenal of Awkward Penguin gifs.
“I don’t often criticise foreign governments,” stated Morrison while holding a beer in a press conference today, “but when I do, it’s because they pointed out war crimes.”
Asked why they were so focused on other countries problems, instead of addressing their own internal failings on human rights, both governments responded, “No it’s fine when I do it, they’re the real human rights violators,” in the form of an official diplomatic surprised spiderman meme.


thechaser--2020-12-02--NSW legalises drugs – Police forced to come up with new excuse to strip search 12 yo’s

Reports are emerging from inside the NSW government tonight suggesting that possession of illicit drugs will be decriminalised , leading to a wave of mild celebration from stoners everywhere .
“ This is a great day for NSW and the large purple jellybean dancing over there , ” announced the NSW Minister for Health , “ and hey does anyone else feel like getting kebabs ?
I know a great place .
Though we should probably wait for the road to stop melting before we go.
” However , the news has not pleased everyone , with police officers stating @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to a spike in crime .
“ Without these laws allowing us to stop and frisk any random child , police are going to be forced to molest teenagers in their own time , ” explained the police commissioner today .
“ Do we really want to live in a world where teenagers can have fun and police aren ’ t allowed to force random kids to remove their clothes in public ?
That doesn ’ t sound like a safe or healthy society to me.
” Conservative members of the Liberal party @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , stating that it will only benefit criminals .
“ We in the Liberal party do not believe in drug use , ” said one MP sporting a mysterious white moustache .
“ I guarantee that journalists and MPs don ’ t frequently do drugs together on the weekend and then come out on Monday condemning them as a menace .
No , that would be completely two faced .
Now if you ’ ll excuse me I have to go to the bathroom to powder my nose .
”

Reports are emerging from inside the NSW government tonight suggesting that possession of illicit drugs will be decriminalised, leading to a wave of mild celebration from stoners everywhere.
“This is a great day for NSW and the large purple jellybean dancing over there,” announced the NSW Minister for Health, “and hey does anyone else feel like getting kebabs? I know a great place. Though we should probably wait for the road to stop melting before we go.”
However, the news has not pleased everyone, with police officers stating that this move is guaranteed to lead to a spike in crime. “Without these laws allowing us to stop and frisk any random child, police are going to be forced to molest teenagers in their own time,” explained the police commissioner today. “Do we really want to live in a world where teenagers can have fun and police aren’t allowed to force random kids to remove their clothes in public? That doesn’t sound like a safe or healthy society to me.”
Conservative members of the Liberal party have also hit back at the move, stating that it will only benefit criminals. “We in the Liberal party do not believe in drug use,” said one MP sporting a mysterious white moustache. “I guarantee that journalists and MPs don’t frequently do drugs together on the weekend and then come out on Monday condemning them as a menace. No, that would be completely two faced. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go to the bathroom to powder my nose.”


thechaser--2020-12-03--For Disability Day, TV show graciously gives disabled person spot they’d normally give racist

News rooms around the country have today celebrated International People with Disabilities Day by giving someone in a wheelchair the spot they ’ d normally reserve for a white supremacist , stating it ’ s a good opportunity to give a tiny 18 % fraction of the community with disability a voice , instead of the much more representative 0.1 % who are white supremacists .
News rooms around the country were excited to take a once a year break from hearing the ‘ important ’ ramblings of somebody spewing hate to bring out people with disabilities to ‘ talk @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have time in between patting themselves on the back .
Unsubtitled clips of the program uploaded online this afternoon sought to show how much the show cares about the disabled community , even going so far as to ask their guests very respectful questions about their sex and dating lives to really hammer home the respect the hosts have for the guest .
“ But first should we really take vaccines ?
” asked the program .
“ We will ask the parents who are concerned that vaccines may cause a disability , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ worse than death.
” “ We should all spend more time thinking how our actions affect people with disabilities , ” said the host who only last week was vilifying anyone on centrelink as doll bludgers .
“ We hear disabled people think they are not listened to enough about issues that relate to them , so here to discuss this problem is a panel of entirely able bodied people and one man dressed in a cow suit for balance.
” Accidentally crossing to an actual disabled person on the next panel , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ macular degeneration , the hosts made sure to say the word “ inspirational ” at least 50 times to describe his decision to continuing to live while disabled .
“ Oh look sorry I guess we ran out of time , ” after discussing the topic for 30 seconds .
“ Big thank you for coming my props .
Whoops sorry bit of a slip up there , I meant big props for coming thank you .
Thankyou to us for allowing you on to talk about how representation should be more than @ @ @ @ @ @ @ year .
”

News rooms around the country have today celebrated International People with Disabilities Day by giving someone in a wheelchair the spot they’d normally reserve for a white supremacist, stating it’s a good opportunity to give a tiny 18% fraction of the community with disability a voice, instead of the much more representative 0.1% who are white supremacists. News rooms around the country were excited to take a once a year break from hearing the ‘important’ ramblings of somebody spewing hate to bring out people with disabilities to ‘talk about issues surrounding disabilities’ if they have time in between patting themselves on the back.
Unsubtitled clips of the program uploaded online this afternoon sought to show how much the show cares about the disabled community, even going so far as to ask their guests very respectful questions about their sex and dating lives to really hammer home the respect the hosts have for the guest.
“But first should we really take vaccines?” asked the program. “We will ask the parents who are concerned that vaccines may cause a disability, which as we all know is much worse than death.”
“We should all spend more time thinking how our actions affect people with disabilities,” said the host who only last week was vilifying anyone on centrelink as doll bludgers. “We hear disabled people think they are not listened to enough about issues that relate to them, so here to discuss this problem is a panel of entirely able bodied people and one man dressed in a cow suit for balance.”
Accidentally crossing to an actual disabled person on the next panel, after not realising the resident racist had macular degeneration, the hosts made sure to say the word “inspirational” at least 50 times to describe his decision to continuing to live while disabled.
“Oh look sorry I guess we ran out of time,” after discussing the topic for 30 seconds. “Big thank you for coming my props. Whoops sorry bit of a slip up there, I meant big props for coming thank you. Thankyou to us for allowing you on to talk about how representation should be more than once a year. See you next year.”


thechaser--2020-12-07--Rudy Giuliani to undergo hotel quarantine at Four Seasons landscaping

Loser President Donald Trump has today announced that his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani has contracted coronavirus in what may be the best news yet for Trump ’ s legal bid to overturn the election .
Having received a positive result yesterday while hundreds of miles from home , Giuliani was advised by medical professionals to self-isolate in a nearby hotel , which the lawyer made quick action to book himself a cushy place at The Four Seasons Landscaping Centre .
“ I ’ ll need somewhere that has lots of open space , ” Giuliani muttered scrolling through the pot-plant @ @ @ @ @ @ @ somewhere with lots of beds for in case I get visited by any actors pretending to be minors again.
” Despite the instance of the Trump ’ s team that they had always planned for Giuliani to ride out the next two weeks in the manure aisle of a local homewares store , sources inside the White House have suggested that Giuliani had actually planned to book a suite in the Four Seasons Hotel and Resort .
Giuliani has disputed these claims and threatened to sue any journalists who makes these claims , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Thankfully , given Mr Giuliani ’ s frequent history of bookings with the particular landscaper , the lawyer had earned himself enough loyalty points to become a member , and was permitted to stay at the landscaping firm , with staff saying they could do with the extra hands .
“ Yea it ’ s a bit unorthodox , but given how often the guy books out the carpark we figured we owed him a favour , ” said the owner Paris Hilltown .
“ Besides , we ’ ve never seen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ steady stream of manure .
Every time he opens his mouth it ’ s an absolute torrent .
”

Loser President Donald Trump has today announced that his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani has contracted coronavirus in what may be the best news yet for Trump’s legal bid to overturn the election. Having received a positive result yesterday while hundreds of miles from home, Giuliani was advised by medical professionals to self-isolate in a nearby hotel, which the lawyer made quick action to book himself a cushy place at The Four Seasons Landscaping Centre.
“I’ll need somewhere that has lots of open space,” Giuliani muttered scrolling through the pot-plant section on his phone. “And somewhere with lots of beds for in case I get visited by any actors pretending to be minors again.”
Despite the instance of the Trump’s team that they had always planned for Giuliani to ride out the next two weeks in the manure aisle of a local homewares store, sources inside the White House have suggested that Giuliani had actually planned to book a suite in the Four Seasons Hotel and Resort. Giuliani has disputed these claims and threatened to sue any journalists who makes these claims, all the way to the Carpet Court.


thechaser--2020-12-07--NSW Police explain German traveler stuff up- “we were too busy strip searching teens”

NSW police officers have today sought to clarified the events surrounding a stuff up in whoch officers allowed German tourists to fly to Melbourne without self-isolating first .
Police officers have denied any wrong doing , as they had to attend to a far more pressing matter of some local teens still remaining fully clothed .
“ To be clear nothing inappropriate occurred on the day in question , ” said a spokesman for the police .
“ All that happened was that two Caucasian people or persons approached the officers and where directed to take the bus or busses @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or persons then raised an inquiry about travelling in a southerly direction towards Melbourne via a Caucasian airplane.
” “ The officers began to stop the people slash persons but became distracted after a more serious incident occurred when a group of teenagers what spotted allegedly within the area which was considered highly suspicious , and the Caucasian adults were at that point advised to clear the area for fear the teenagers may have a drug in their underpants.
” “ So to reiterate nothing inappropriate occurred , only a mishap involving 2 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on account of being sufficiently white , and the regular strip search of teens done in a way that would only be considered inappropriate if it occurred with adults .
Thankyou .
”

NSW police officers have today sought to clarified the events surrounding a stuff up in whoch officers allowed German tourists to fly to Melbourne without self-isolating first. Police officers have denied any wrong doing, as they had to attend to a far more pressing matter of some local teens still remaining fully clothed.
“To be clear nothing inappropriate occurred on the day in question,” said a spokesman for the police. “All that happened was that two Caucasian people or persons approached the officers and where directed to take the bus or busses to the hotel. The alleged people or persons then raised an inquiry about travelling in a southerly direction towards Melbourne via a Caucasian airplane.”
“The officers began to stop the people slash persons but became distracted after a more serious incident occurred when a group of teenagers what spotted allegedly within the area which was considered highly suspicious, and the Caucasian adults were at that point advised to clear the area for fear the teenagers may have a drug in their underpants.”
“So to reiterate nothing inappropriate occurred, only a mishap involving 2 German nationals who were not considered suspicious on account of being sufficiently white, and the regular strip search of teens done in a way that would only be considered inappropriate if it occurred with adults. Thankyou.”


thechaser--2020-12-08--PM apologises to Rudd – leaving only stranded Aussies, bush fire victims, the environment, robodebt

PM apologises to Rudd – leaving only stranded Aussies, bush fire victims, the environment, robodebt victims, Bunnings employees…

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today made an uncharacteristic and shocking move by owning the fact that he made a mistake and apologising for it like a grown up .
After a brief trip to the hospital to make sure he hadn ’ t fallen ill , Morrison ’ s team clarified that he did so honestly and of sound mind and body or whatever the equivalent of that is for him .
The apology in question was directed to one of the country ’ s 50 living former Prime Ministers , Kevin Rudd , after the PM blatantly lied @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and quarantine hotels despite Rudd never leaving the country .
With Rudd now knocked off the to-do-list , the self-proclaimed handy-man still has to get around to the 30,000 stranded Aussies , all of the victims of Robodebt , all the sports teams that should have gotten grants but didn ’ t , the homeless , anyone who needs to use family court , all the drought riddled areas that should have gotten water but didn ’ t , bushfire victims , the environment , refugees , the families of refugees who he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to attend their funerals , POC , LGBTQ+ people , the disabled community , Aboriginal and Torres Straight Islanders , anyone who isn ’ t super rich , tax payers , young people , the elderly , the childcare industry , the ABC , David McBride , Dan Andrews , the entire city of Melbourne ( Bolt not included ) , Bunnings employees , Engadine Maccas employees , Lara Bingle , everyone who has a nickname where you chuck ‘ o ’ on the end , his neighbours , God , daggy dads @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have a schooner of mid strength beer with for a photo op , Greg down the road ( he knows what he did ) and Cronulla Sharks fans for somehow even managing to hurt their reputations .
Scott Morrison announced that he does have plans to make things right with all those groups , giving a heartfelt statement at a press conference today .
“ Look I ’ ve made a lot of mistakes and I am sorry , ” said a tearful Morrison .
“ First things first , sorry to all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ something special while I abandoned them for another country .
Of course by that I mean the people of Hawaii having to loose me as their guest .
I am truly a down to earth and humble guy bloke but the whole fires thing got in my way.
” “ To anyone struggling financially I would like to say sorry to Gina , Harvey and the Murdochs who haven ’ t been able to make as much money as they should .
To the complainers who don ’ t earn enough money , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I did and give yourself a raise .
To the taxpayers who feel I constantly waste their money , sorry you aren ’ t rich enough to not pay tax maybe if you were you would be getting more of those handouts you want .
To the disenfranchised groups of Australia , I am sorry that you aren ’ t a straight white guy , or if you are a straight white guy , I ’ m sorry you ’ re not the right type .
And lastly to the Aussies stranded overseas @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t a good enough actor for Peter to give you a free pass .
Maybe think about your decisions while you sleep on that park bench tonight.
” “ God that felt good , I ’ m pretty good at this aren ’ t I ?
”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today made an uncharacteristic and shocking move by owning the fact that he made a mistake and apologising for it like a grown up. After a brief trip to the hospital to make sure he hadn’t fallen ill, Morrison’s team clarified that he did so honestly and of sound mind and body or whatever the equivalent of that is for him.
The apology in question was directed to one of the country’s 50 living former Prime Ministers, Kevin Rudd, after the PM blatantly lied about Rudd somehow using all the exemptions and quarantine hotels despite Rudd never leaving the country.
With Rudd now knocked off the to-do-list, the self-proclaimed handy-man still has to get around to the 30,000 stranded Aussies, all of the victims of Robodebt, all the sports teams that should have gotten grants but didn’t, the homeless, anyone who needs to use family court, all the drought riddled areas that should have gotten water but didn’t, bushfire victims, the environment, refugees, the families of refugees who he tried to get blocked from being able to attend their funerals, POC, LGBTQ+ people, the disabled community, Aboriginal and Torres Straight Islanders, anyone who isn’t super rich, tax payers, young people, the elderly, the childcare industry, the ABC, David McBride, Dan Andrews, the entire city of Melbourne (Bolt not included), Bunnings employees, Engadine Maccas employees, Lara Bingle, everyone who has a nickname where you chuck ‘o’ on the end, his neighbours, God, daggy dads, any unlucky bastard he forces to have a schooner of mid strength beer with for a photo op, Greg down the road (he knows what he did) and Cronulla Sharks fans for somehow even managing to hurt their reputations.
Scott Morrison announced that he does have plans to make things right with all those groups, giving a heartfelt statement at a press conference today. “Look I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I am sorry,” said a tearful Morrison. “First things first, sorry to all those affected by the bushfires who lost something special while I abandoned them for another country. Of course by that I mean the people of Hawaii having to loose me as their guest. I am truly a down to earth and humble guy bloke but the whole fires thing got in my way.”
“To anyone struggling financially I would like to say sorry to Gina, Harvey and the Murdochs who haven’t been able to make as much money as they should. To the complainers who don’t earn enough money, just earn more dummies. Do what I did and give yourself a raise. To the taxpayers who feel I constantly waste their money, sorry you aren’t rich enough to not pay tax maybe if you were you would be getting more of those handouts you want. To the disenfranchised groups of Australia, I am sorry that you aren’t a straight white guy, or if you are a straight white guy, I’m sorry you’re not the right type. And lastly to the Aussies stranded overseas I am sorry that you aren’t a good enough actor for Peter to give you a free pass. Maybe think about your decisions while you sleep on that park bench tonight.”
“God that felt good, I’m pretty good at this aren’t I?”


thechaser--2020-12-08--Rudy Gulliani catches bio weapon hoax virus to stop him from protecting the election from being rigg

Rudy Gulliani catches bio weapon hoax virus to stop him from protecting the election from being rigged by freedom of choice

In ‘ devastating ’ news , honorary knighthood recipient and world ’ s best lawyer winner Rudy Gulliani has reportedly tested positive for coronavirus .
Many speculated that it may be ‘ fake news ’ due to the original source , known only as ‘ soon-to-be former President ’ , having history of baseless claims .
However Gulliani himself made a statement earlier today confirming that he does have coronavirus .
While we still wait for a reliable source to confirm the diagnosis , here is what Gulliani had to say : “ I have been attacked by the Chinese @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the day after the election .
It is clear to see that I was targeted by the bio weapon in order to put that fraud Joe Biden into the presidency , but it will not work .
I will not let him continue to rig this election by using freedom of choice .
But don ’ t worry , I will be fine .
Remember this virus is as real as the votes for Joe Biden.
” “ I have an expert witness here has proof that I was targeted to help the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he overheard Coronavirus talk to Hunter Biden and the Illuminati about potentially attacking me to help them rig the election by using ballots voted on by the citizens of America .
Using Clinton foundation funding the virus teamed up with Benghazi and Pizzagate to try and stop me .
If that isn ’ t evidence enough , well then Q suggested I plea the Chubacca defense .
Now if you will excuse me I have been told to check in to St. McDonald hospital , which is amazing as I really want a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spoken out today to discuss the condition of Gulliani saying that , “ We regret to inform you that with factors like his age and his health , Gulliani is at a serious risk of having a complete recovery .
While we may have the spread temporarily contained , our thoughts and prayers go out to anyone who will be afflicted with Gulliani when the next wave begins in a few weeks .
”

In ‘devastating’ news, honorary knighthood recipient and world’s best lawyer winner Rudy Gulliani has reportedly tested positive for coronavirus. Many speculated that it may be ‘fake news’ due to the original source, known only as ‘soon-to-be former President’, having history of baseless claims. However Gulliani himself made a statement earlier today confirming that he does have coronavirus. While we still wait for a reliable source to confirm the diagnosis, here is what Gulliani had to say:
“I have been attacked by the Chinese bioweapon that we all stopped talking about the day after the election. It is clear to see that I was targeted by the bio weapon in order to put that fraud Joe Biden into the presidency, but it will not work. I will not let him continue to rig this election by using freedom of choice. But don’t worry, I will be fine. Remember this virus is as real as the votes for Joe Biden.”
“I have an expert witness here has proof that I was targeted to help the Biden campaign. This man here says he overheard Coronavirus talk to Hunter Biden and the Illuminati about potentially attacking me to help them rig the election by using ballots voted on by the citizens of America. Using Clinton foundation funding the virus teamed up with Benghazi and Pizzagate to try and stop me. If that isn’t evidence enough, well then Q suggested I plea the Chubacca defense. Now if you will excuse me I have been told to check in to St. McDonald hospital, which is amazing as I really want a Quarter Pounder right now.”
Doctors have spoken out today to discuss the condition of Gulliani saying that, “We regret to inform you that with factors like his age and his health, Gulliani is at a serious risk of having a complete recovery. While we may have the spread temporarily contained, our thoughts and prayers go out to anyone who will be afflicted with Gulliani when the next wave begins in a few weeks.”


thechaser--2020-12-08--Dictator Dan slammed after tourists enter Victoria due to his stupid decision to trust NSW officials

Demonic Deposed-Dictator Dan Andrews has once again destroyed Victoria as two German tourists were welcomed into the state and evaded hotel quarantine .
Minister for Home Affairs ( not to be confused with the ministers at home having affairs ) Peter Dutton has heroically denied assertions that the NSW police are responsible , placing all blame rightfully on Deplorable Dan .
The mishap occurred after Deadbeat Dan foolishly trusted Border Force and NSW Police to do their jobs properly instead of granting a couple white people exemptions to the rules for no reason .
How Dipshit Dan could entrust the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ any reasonable understanding .
Where was Diabolic Dan when this all happened ?
Why wasn ’ t Dilly-Dally Dan at the border actually doing his job .
Unlike us , the real working class Australians , Disturbed Dan was not working hard .
Doomsday Dan was probably too busy conniving plots with eco-terrorist cults to bother showing up to his job .
Disconnected Dan doesn ’ t understand the struggle like I do , here humbly writing a column in my holiday estate .
I , like the rest of Melbourne , am @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Marxist agenda !
Did Dunce Dan not learn anything from the Ruby Princess ?
Seriously what was Dumbfuck Dan doing , thinking NSW police would be able to handle this sort of job of making sure people get on a bus .
I mean the boys in blue have enough to deal with already before having to pick up Defective Dan ’ s responsibilities to keep Victoria safe .
What if the police had other pressing matters at the time , what if they saw Aboriginal people ‘ suspiciously ’ living a normal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ teenagers who haven ’ t been stripped searched ?
Did selfish Degenerate Dan even consider the hard working Australians affected by his ineptitude ?
Who knows , maybe he did considering how much he hates Australians !
Although I put this to you Australia , I think it ’ s clear Dastardly Dan wanted this to happen .
You see Depraved Dan wants his power back !
He wants his dictatorial status back , Detestable Dan wants to take your rights away , again !
The propaganda has already begun , more and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Herald Sun to “ fuck off ” having been appearing around Melbourne .
Devil-Reincarnate Dan thinks he can fight to keep Melbourne as the hellscape it is , but I know Australians like my readers are smart enough not to believe the lies coming from Dickhead Dan .

Demonic Deposed-Dictator Dan Andrews has once again destroyed Victoria as two German tourists were welcomed into the state and evaded hotel quarantine. Minister for Home Affairs (not to be confused with the ministers at home having affairs) Peter Dutton has heroically denied assertions that the NSW police are responsible, placing all blame rightfully on Deplorable Dan. The mishap occurred after Deadbeat Dan foolishly trusted Border Force and NSW Police to do their jobs properly instead of granting a couple white people exemptions to the rules for no reason. How Dipshit Dan could entrust the help of organisations like these is beyond any reasonable understanding.
Where was Diabolic Dan when this all happened? Why wasn’t Dilly-Dally Dan at the border actually doing his job. Unlike us, the real working class Australians, Disturbed Dan was not working hard. Doomsday Dan was probably too busy conniving plots with eco-terrorist cults to bother showing up to his job. Disconnected Dan doesn’t understand the struggle like I do, here humbly writing a column in my holiday estate. I, like the rest of Melbourne, am sick of Douchebag Dan and his communist Marxist agenda!
Did Dunce Dan not learn anything from the Ruby Princess? Seriously what was Dumbfuck Dan doing, thinking NSW police would be able to handle this sort of job of making sure people get on a bus. I mean the boys in blue have enough to deal with already before having to pick up Defective Dan’s responsibilities to keep Victoria safe. What if the police had other pressing matters at the time, what if they saw Aboriginal people ‘suspiciously’ living a normal life without being beat up, or teenagers who haven’t been stripped searched? Did selfish Degenerate Dan even consider the hard working Australians affected by his ineptitude? Who knows, maybe he did considering how much he hates Australians!
Although I put this to you Australia, I think it’s clear Dastardly Dan wanted this to happen. You see Depraved Dan wants his power back! He wants his dictatorial status back, Detestable Dan wants to take your rights away, again! The propaganda has already begun, more and more stickers telling the bastion of truth the Herald Sun to “fuck off” having been appearing around Melbourne. Devil-Reincarnate Dan thinks he can fight to keep Melbourne as the hellscape it is, but I know Australians like my readers are smart enough not to believe the lies coming from Dickhead Dan.


thechaser--2020-12-09--Universal buys Bob Dylan songs for $400m, only to discover Spotify costs $10.99 a month

Universal Music has bought Bob Dylan ’ s entire song library for $ 400 million .
Executives were elated until @ @ @ @ @ costs $ 10.99 a month .
The song collection is considered a goldmine and executives @ @ @ @ @ huge money in royalties off the purchase , until they discovered that Spotify User “ @ @ @ @ @ a playlist of his entire back catalogue .
But insiders say that we can look @ @ @ @ @ famous Dylan tracks being used in tasteful ways in upcoming television commercials , including an @ @ @ @ @ Metereology ( “ A Hard Rain ’ s Gon na Fall ” ) , an @ @ @ @ @ “ Blowin ’ in the Wind ” ) and the latest Marie Kondo book ( @ @ @ @ @ Away ” ) .

Universal Music has bought Bob Dylan’s entire song library for $400 million. Executives were elated until they found out that spotify costs $10.99 a month.
The song collection is considered a goldmine and executives were looking forward to making huge money in royalties off the purchase, until they discovered that Spotify User “dylanfan420” had already created a playlist of his entire back catalogue.
But insiders say that we can look forward to a range of famous Dylan tracks being used in tasteful ways in upcoming television commercials, including an ad for the Bureau of Metereology (“A Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall”), an ad for flatulence medication (“Blowin’ in the Wind”) and the latest Marie Kondo book (“I Threw It All Away”).
An elated Dylan told reporters “hmmmmmmgghhh ghhhhgmmmm hghhmmmmm”.


thechaser--2020-12-09--“No vaccines for my pure body” says woman coming off a 2 day bender

Patrons of the Royal Hotel Bondi were shocked and surprised last night upon overhearing the conversation of a local Bondi mother who sources claim had spent a majority of her day voicing her opinion on what ’ s good for the human body , while consuming enough alcohol to kill a small horse .
Preaching to her girlfriends , the woman was heard loudly insisting “ I ’ ll never let a vaccine near my pure , untarnished body ” before pardoning herself to throw up , since she ’ d been drinking since noon .
Stumbling back to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hands , the woman then announced her plan to begin a healthy living blog , in the spirit of her idol Pete Evans .
When questioned by a another member of her entourage about Evans ’ questionable views on medical science , the first woman reportedly shot back that she had “ complete faith ” in anything Evans said , and that “ anyone who spends so much time tanning clearly knows what ’ s healthy for the human body.
” With her sudden change in eating habits , removing all milk , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ diet , the woman was heard stating that she has found a unique and original perspective on the world which she hopes to eventually put into a book , as soon she reaches the 20,000 Instagram followers required to get a publishing deal as a nutritionist .
“ I ’ ve got a lot of great advice to share with the world ” the woman was overheard slurring , “ like my suspicion that vaccinations might cause polio.
” Later in the evening as she reached her ninth Long Island iced tea , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ made some more sombre revelations , wondering aloud if perhaps her two Border Collies were not naturally suited to living in a third storey one-bedroom apartment , before passing out into her heart-healthy kale and goji berry salad .
The healthly living advocate was not able to be revived by medics on the scene , due to her friends insistence that resuscitation causes autism .
She will be survived by her two iron deficient dogs and her community gluten-free-vegetable garden .

Patrons of the Royal Hotel Bondi were shocked and surprised last night upon overhearing the conversation of a local Bondi mother who sources claim had spent a majority of her day voicing her opinion on what’s good for the human body, while consuming enough alcohol to kill a small horse. Preaching to her girlfriends, the woman was heard loudly insisting “I’ll never let a vaccine near my pure, untarnished body” before pardoning herself to throw up, since she’d been drinking since noon.
Stumbling back to the table with a single shoe in her hands, the woman then announced her plan to begin a healthy living blog, in the spirit of her idol Pete Evans. When questioned by a another member of her entourage about Evans’ questionable views on medical science, the first woman reportedly shot back that she had “complete faith” in anything Evans said, and that “anyone who spends so much time tanning clearly knows what’s healthy for the human body.”
With her sudden change in eating habits, removing all milk, grain, and scientific research from her diet, the woman was heard stating that she has found a unique and original perspective on the world which she hopes to eventually put into a book, as soon she reaches the 20,000 Instagram followers required to get a publishing deal as a nutritionist. “I’ve got a lot of great advice to share with the world” the woman was overheard slurring, “like my suspicion that vaccinations might cause polio.”
Later in the evening as she reached her ninth Long Island iced tea, the woman was also reported to have made some more sombre revelations, wondering aloud if perhaps her two Border Collies were not naturally suited to living in a third storey one-bedroom apartment, before passing out into her heart-healthy kale and goji berry salad.
The healthly living advocate was not able to be revived by medics on the scene, due to her friends insistence that resuscitation causes autism. She will be survived by her two iron deficient dogs and her community gluten-free-vegetable garden.


thechaser--2020-12-10--Trump Pens letter to Santa asking for ‘proof of voter fraud’ this Christmas

Spoiled Man-child and guy whose name starts on the naughty list by default to save time , Donald J. Trump has today thrown out a last ditch effort to find the magical non-existent evidence of voter fraud by penning a letter to the only real person with the magic to be able to manufacture the evidence of his manufactured lies being true , Santa Claus .
Mr Trump reportedly took time out from his busy day of playing golf to take care of the pressing matter .
Our reporters have managed to get an exclusive look at the leaked document @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not name , but what we will say is they bake delicious cookies and told us that they leaked it because “ I know the only reason he hasn ’ t tried to grab my pussy is because I am too old for him and he thinks my husband is actually Tim Allen meaning they would share a lot of the same views.
” The letter written in sharpie with little crayon drawings of Joe Biden dying surrounding it , reads as follows : IT IS ME , YOU ’ RE PRESIDENT AND @ @ @ @ @ @ @ WELCOME !
AS YOU WOULD ALREADY KNOW I HAVE BEEN SUCH A GOOD BOY THIS YEAR , THE BEST , PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE , SO MANY PEOPLE .
THIS YEAR ONLY 300000 PEOPLE DIED THANKS TO ME .
ALSO I STOPPED THE PARIS AGREEMENT SO THAT IT COULD BE A BIT WARMER WHERE YOU ARE , YORE WELCOME .
EVEN OSAMA BIN LADEN ’ S NEICE ENDORSED ME .
I KNOW USUALLY I ASK FOR IVANKA ’ S HAND IN MARRIAGE BUT SINCE YOU STILL HAVEN ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ LAW VERY RUDE , THIS YEAR I WANT YOU TO MAKE UP SOME EVIDENCE OF VOTER FRAUD .
I KNOW THAT IF MY TEAM HAS THE SKILL TO STOP ME FROM PAYING TAX YOU CAN STOP EVIL JOE AND KAMAMAMALA FROM STEALING THIS ELECTION .
ALSO INSTEAD OF GIVING THEM COAL THAT WE COULD BE BURNING COULD YOU JUST GIVE THEM THE RONA AND FAUCI AND AOC AND MY NIECE .
THEYOR ALL BULLIES !
ALSO REMEMBER THAT TIME I TOLD THAT KID THEY WERE TWO OLD TO BELLEVE IN YOU ?
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ TO MYSELF SO YOU OWE ME ONE .
SO LETS SORT SOMETHING OUT LIKE I DID WITH THE UKRAINE , PLEASE TALK TO DON JNR AND THE OTHER BOY IF TO ORGANISE SOMETHING .
CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING A LETTER FROM ME , Update : In response to the leaked documents , President Trump has launched an attack on the North Poll , sending multiple nukes to the location .
The death toll is still yet unknown , but scientists are worried about the effects this unprecedented attack may have on the already endangered @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the White House , President Trump said he hopes that this will “ avenge the heroic efforts seen in the documentary ‘ The Grinch ’ that were stopped by those evil whovians ” .
More on this story as it develops…

Spoiled Man-child and guy whose name starts on the naughty list by default to save time, Donald J. Trump has today thrown out a last ditch effort to find the magical non-existent evidence of voter fraud by penning a letter to the only real person with the magic to be able to manufacture the evidence of his manufactured lies being true, Santa Claus. Mr Trump reportedly took time out from his busy day of playing golf to take care of the pressing matter.
Our reporters have managed to get an exclusive look at the leaked document thanks to a source who we will not name, but what we will say is they bake delicious cookies and told us that they leaked it because “I know the only reason he hasn’t tried to grab my pussy is because I am too old for him and he thinks my husband is actually Tim Allen meaning they would share a lot of the same views.”
The letter written in sharpie with little crayon drawings of Joe Biden dying surrounding it, reads as follows:
*DEAR SANTA J CLAUS
IT IS ME, YOU’RE PRESIDENT AND FAVOURITE BOY DONALD J TRUMP! YOUR WELCOME!
AS YOU WOULD ALREADY KNOW I HAVE BEEN SUCH A GOOD BOY THIS YEAR, THE BEST, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE, SO MANY PEOPLE. THIS YEAR ONLY 300000 PEOPLE DIED THANKS TO ME. ALSO I STOPPED THE PARIS AGREEMENT SO THAT IT COULD BE A BIT WARMER WHERE YOU ARE, YORE WELCOME. EVEN OSAMA BIN LADEN’S NEICE ENDORSED ME.
I KNOW USUALLY I ASK FOR IVANKA’S HAND IN MARRIAGE BUT SINCE YOU STILL HAVEN’T GRANTED THAT WISH OR CHANGED THAT LAW VERY RUDE, THIS YEAR I WANT YOU TO MAKE UP SOME EVIDENCE OF VOTER FRAUD. I KNOW THAT IF MY TEAM HAS THE SKILL TO STOP ME FROM PAYING TAX YOU CAN STOP EVIL JOE AND KAMAMAMALA FROM STEALING THIS ELECTION. ALSO INSTEAD OF GIVING THEM COAL THAT WE COULD BE BURNING COULD YOU JUST GIVE THEM THE RONA AND FAUCI AND AOC AND MY NIECE. THEYOR ALL BULLIES!
ALSO REMEMBER THAT TIME I TOLD THAT KID THEY WERE TWO OLD TO BELLEVE IN YOU? I DID THAT BECAUSE I WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF SO YOU OWE ME ONE. SO LETS SORT SOMETHING OUT LIKE I DID WITH THE UKRAINE, PLEASE TALK TO DON JNR AND THE OTHER BOY IF TO ORGANISE SOMETHING.
CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING A LETTER FROM ME,
PRESIDENT DONALD J TRUMP*
Update: In response to the leaked documents, President Trump has launched an attack on the North Poll, sending multiple nukes to the location. The death toll is still yet unknown, but scientists are worried about the effects this unprecedented attack may have on the already endangered species Elves. According to sources in the White House, President Trump said he hopes that this will “avenge the heroic efforts seen in the documentary ‘The Grinch’ that were stopped by those evil whovians”. More on this story as it develops…


thechaser--2020-12-10--George Pell gets in the Christmas Spirit by applying for a job as a mall Santa

Cardinal who every Christmas gifts kids ‘ the creeps ’ , George Pell has today spoken about how he plans to get into the Christmas spirit this year by trying to become a mall Santa .
In an interview earlier today Pell told us about his dream job that he received after pretending to be someone else , as well as allegations of ‘ Nonsense ABC Cancel Culture discrimination ’ he claims to have faced after they found out his identity .
“ I just want to spread joy by having kids sit on my lap , ” Said the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Christmas wish .
It ’ s nice because I get to be with the kids , sometimes they even want to hug me , it ’ s a crazily different experience from my day-to-day life .
Also so many kids after different wish , some wish for bikes , shoes , Vbucks , for me to let go of them ; it ’ s nice because in my experience every year my Christmas wish is that the world would become a better place by having young boys to be the kind of respectful @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and tell the police.
” “ It is a bit annoying because the parents and the elves were always watching but I am very good at getting away with what I do .
The best part is you can keep them quiet without causing a Royal Commission .
‘ HO HO HO , now remember kids keep this a secret between you and Santa otherwise your Christmas wish won ’ t come true ’ , has basically become my catchphrase.
” Although it wasn ’ t as perfect for Pell as it seemed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his Working With Vulnerable Persons check lead to his new employer and the other mall Santas finding out his true identity : “ It was humiliating and completely unprofessional how they treated me .
They fired me , reported me to the police and apologised to the community .
I mean , I was in charge of the Australian division of one of the richest organisations in the world , I know how these sorts of issues should be handled and that is not the way you protect people .
I tried to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ better business to just move me to another mall but none of the other Santas agreed to go along with it , and they claim to do this job because they care about people.
” “ I mean I knew something was wrong with their priorities when they told me that ‘ mandatory reporting is non-negotiable ’ but I didn ’ t think it would be this bad .
What kind of reputation and legacy do they want to have with the community if they won ’ t even protect the real victims @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would like to remind all parents reading this that it is the year 2020 so please have your children remain at least 6ft apart from George Pell at all times , also Covid is a risk too now so that two reasons .

Cardinal who every Christmas gifts kids ‘the creeps’, George Pell has today spoken about how he plans to get into the Christmas spirit this year by trying to become a mall Santa. In an interview earlier today Pell told us about his dream job that he received after pretending to be someone else, as well as allegations of ‘Nonsense ABC Cancel Culture discrimination’ he claims to have faced after they found out his identity.
“I just want to spread joy by having kids sit on my lap,” Said the disgrace, “and tell me their Christmas wish. It’s nice because I get to be with the kids, sometimes they even want to hug me, it’s a crazily different experience from my day-to-day life. Also so many kids after different wish, some wish for bikes, shoes, Vbucks, for me to let go of them; it’s nice because in my experience every year my Christmas wish is that the world would become a better place by having young boys to be the kind of respectful gentlemen who don’t get kissed and tell the police.”
“It is a bit annoying because the parents and the elves were always watching but I am very good at getting away with what I do. The best part is you can keep them quiet without causing a Royal Commission. ‘HO HO HO, now remember kids keep this a secret between you and Santa otherwise your Christmas wish won’t come true’, has basically become my catchphrase.”
Although it wasn’t as perfect for Pell as it seemed, after issues arose from him failing his Working With Vulnerable Persons check lead to his new employer and the other mall Santas finding out his true identity:
“It was humiliating and completely unprofessional how they treated me. They fired me, reported me to the police and apologised to the community. I mean, I was in charge of the Australian division of one of the richest organisations in the world, I know how these sorts of issues should be handled and that is not the way you protect people. I tried to explain to them that it would be better business to just move me to another mall but none of the other Santas agreed to go along with it, and they claim to do this job because they care about people.”
“I mean I knew something was wrong with their priorities when they told me that ‘mandatory reporting is non-negotiable’ but I didn’t think it would be this bad. What kind of reputation and legacy do they want to have with the community if they won’t even protect the real victims?”
Here at the Chaser we would like to remind all parents reading this that it is the year 2020 so please have your children remain at least 6ft apart from George Pell at all times, also Covid is a risk too now so that two reasons.


thechaser--2020-12-10--“If Santa really cared about kids, he would restrict them to cashless cards” says Govt

The Australian government has today began moves to restrict Santa Claus to only being able to gift the kids of Australia , mainly those in Aboriginal communities , cashless debit-cards .
The move is heavily supported by rich people and racists , including Sky News who claim that it will bring dignity to the ‘ lazy children ’ while also dealing a massive blow to ‘ that communist bastard Santa ’ .
However the move has been slammed by experts , children and representatives of the North Pole for being just stupid and seemingly driven by race .
The LNP @ @ @ @ @ @ @ saying it is ‘ just ’ those things ignores the fact it also helps push the class divide .
“ Kids these days have it too easy and can ’ t be trusted with these gifts anymore.
” Said Scott Morrison after gifting his mates private Jet rides on the taxpayer credit card , “ If Santa truly cared about kids , he would restrict them to cashless cards .
If Santa was to give these kids say an action figure , what ’ s to say that the 8 year old won @ @ @ @ @ @ @ buy hard drugs ?
We must restrict them to what we see as essentials only and not let them have any dignity at all , I mean it is Christmas after all.
” “ We have a real problem with the unemployment rate amongst children in this country .
Kids in this country don ’ t want a job .
They are getting way too much from pocket money as is .
In many other countries , I wouldn ’ t even need to do DIY because the kids over there would make @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the concept of hard work .
So if we ban them from having freedom of choice in the market , they will potentially pick themselves up by the bootstraps and work .
Just giving them the ability to have toys takes away all dignity and happiness.
” “ Remember if Santa gives them toys , there is a real possibility they will just waste all their toys at the casino .
They are Aboriginal after all , I mean also potentially other races too .
Definitely isn ’ t a race thing .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ constitution right ?
Oh it isn ’ t , it ’ s just a law meaning we could overturn it… Well would you look at the time , absolutely no time for questions guys .
I have just been made aware of a bill we should draft .
Whoever yelled out asking if it ’ s a vote to make discriminatory laws unconstitutional or tighten the existing law , grow up , of course it isn ’ t. ” Santa has responded to Scott Morrison saying that the move will lead to government @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be solidified on the ‘ naughty list ’ and will be ‘ getting coal for Christmas ’ .
Scott Morrison has said the threat has only further incentivised the proceedings as that there is nothing more in the world that he loves than Coal , besides himself of course .

The Australian government has today began moves to restrict Santa Claus to only being able to gift the kids of Australia, mainly those in Aboriginal communities, cashless debit-cards. The move is heavily supported by rich people and racists, including Sky News who claim that it will bring dignity to the ‘lazy children’ while also dealing a massive blow to ‘that communist bastard Santa’. However the move has been slammed by experts, children and representatives of the North Pole for being just stupid and seemingly driven by race. The LNP denies these assertions however, claiming that saying it is ‘just’ those things ignores the fact it also helps push the class divide.
“Kids these days have it too easy and can’t be trusted with these gifts anymore.” Said Scott Morrison after gifting his mates private Jet rides on the taxpayer credit card, “If Santa truly cared about kids, he would restrict them to cashless cards. If Santa was to give these kids say an action figure, what’s to say that the 8 year old won’t go use that toy to buy hard drugs? We must restrict them to what we see as essentials only and not let them have any dignity at all, I mean it is Christmas after all.”
“We have a real problem with the unemployment rate amongst children in this country. Kids in this country don’t want a job. They are getting way too much from pocket money as is. In many other countries, I wouldn’t even need to do DIY because the kids over there would make the stuff for me. They understand the concept of hard work. So if we ban them from having freedom of choice in the market, they will potentially pick themselves up by the bootstraps and work. Just giving them the ability to have toys takes away all dignity and happiness.”
“Remember if Santa gives them toys, there is a real possibility they will just waste all their toys at the casino. They are Aboriginal after all, I mean also potentially other races too. Definitely isn’t a race thing. I mean that would be against the constitution right? Oh it isn’t, it’s just a law meaning we could overturn it… Well would you look at the time, absolutely no time for questions guys. I have just been made aware of a bill we should draft. Whoever yelled out asking if it’s a vote to make discriminatory laws unconstitutional or tighten the existing law, grow up, of course it isn’t.”
Santa has responded to Scott Morrison saying that the move will lead to government ministers that vote for the bill to be solidified on the ‘naughty list’ and will be ‘getting coal for Christmas’. Scott Morrison has said the threat has only further incentivised the proceedings as that there is nothing more in the world that he loves than Coal, besides himself of course.


thechaser--2020-12-14--DIY Hobbyist Can’t Understand Why He Wasn’t Invited to Climate Summit

A man who spends most of his life posing for photos making cubby houses has questioned why he didn ’ t get invited to an important global climate change summit .
Scott Morrison , a Do-It-Yourself hobbyist who occasionally runs the country , said he was outraged that organisers of the summit thought he wasn ’ t taking climate change seriously .
Morrison denied the assertions saying , “ I take it as seriously as I can , but I also have other responsibilities I need to attend to , like angle-grinding a flat-pack.
” “ Why would they not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the press pack while hugging a lump of coal , “ They said they want to build reliable policies on climate change , but I build way more stuff than those so called leaders .
I mean did they not see the chicken coop ?
While they were too busy focusing on coronavirus and climate change , I was actually building stuff.
” “ Look climate change is important but I have other things to do as a leader .
I have chicken coops to build , refugee families to lock-up and deport @ @ @ @ @ @ @ burn , attending church on Sundays , blowing up Aboriginal religious heritage sites , showing my support as a fan of the Sharkies , showing my support to the fanning of racism , private jet flights to Lachlan Murdoch ’ s Christmas parties , making sure poor people aren ’ t wasting taxpayer money and creating an independent anti-corruption commission that doesn ’ t have the power to investigate corruption .
I mean while they have candid photos being taken while they discuss ‘ meaningful action ’ surrounding the so-called climate crisis , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a private jet to a staged photo-op.
” “ It is just plain rude not to invite me to a summit of countries that are leading the way in showing ambition on fighting climate change , just because we aren ’ t one of them doesn ’ t mean they shouldn ’ t invite me .
That ’ s fine though , you know what , I didn ’ t even want to go anyway .
I didn ’ t even like Boris anyway , so I don ’ t know why people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ told me he wouldn ’ t back me months ago , and then again a couple weeks ago , then didn ’ t back me .
So it ’ s fine , I am not some idiot who can ’ t take a hint you know .
”

A man who spends most of his life posing for photos making cubby houses has questioned why he didn’t get invited to an important global climate change summit.
Scott Morrison, a Do-It-Yourself hobbyist who occasionally runs the country, said he was outraged that organisers of the summit thought he wasn’t taking climate change seriously. Morrison denied the assertions saying, “I take it as seriously as I can, but I also have other responsibilities I need to attend to, like angle-grinding a flat-pack.”
“Why would they not want me there?” He asked the press pack while hugging a lump of coal, “They said they want to build reliable policies on climate change, but I build way more stuff than those so called leaders. I mean did they not see the chicken coop? While they were too busy focusing on coronavirus and climate change, I was actually building stuff.”
“Look climate change is important but I have other things to do as a leader. I have chicken coops to build, refugee families to lock-up and deport, curries to cook, coal to burn, attending church on Sundays, blowing up Aboriginal religious heritage sites, showing my support as a fan of the Sharkies, showing my support to the fanning of racism, private jet flights to Lachlan Murdoch’s Christmas parties, making sure poor people aren’t wasting taxpayer money and creating an independent anti-corruption commission that doesn’t have the power to investigate corruption. I mean while they have candid photos being taken while they discuss ‘meaningful action’ surrounding the so-called climate crisis, I was showing real leadership by taking a private jet to a staged photo-op.”
“It is just plain rude not to invite me to a summit of countries that are leading the way in showing ambition on fighting climate change, just because we aren’t one of them doesn’t mean they shouldn’t invite me. That’s fine though, you know what, I didn’t even want to go anyway. I didn’t even like Boris anyway, so I don’t know why people are saying I feel betrayed. He told me he wouldn’t back me months ago, and then again a couple weeks ago, then didn’t back me. So it’s fine, I am not some idiot who can’t take a hint you know.”


thechaser--2020-12-14--T2 box to be re-gifted for third Christmas in a row

A box of specialty tea has is set to be re-gifted for the third time since it was bought in 2017 .
As well as six different teas that you would have heard of before if they were nice , the set contains a mug that is perfectly nice for someone else .
Original recipient Darla Pryce praised the set , saying “ When I got it I thought ‘ This is really nice .
Not nice enough to open and use , obviously .
But look at the colours .
This will be the perfect gift for someone I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s hairdresser , who asked to remain anonymous , said “ It was really thoughtful of Darla to get me a Christmas present .
I like tea as much as the next person .
Very occasionally and when someone else makes it .
Anyway , she ’ s saved me a few bucks.
” Thrifty gift-giver Anton Van Der Gross was delighted to receive the set , which costs precisely $ 50 .
“ This is just made for Secret Santa , ” said Gross , “ especially because I don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The box is expected to remain sealed until at least 2024 , or until it is finally gifted to that one aunt who actually drinks tea .

A box of specialty tea has is set to be re-gifted for the third time since it was bought in 2017. As well as six different teas that you would have heard of before if they were nice, the set contains a mug that is perfectly nice for someone else.
Original recipient Darla Pryce praised the set, saying “When I got it I thought ‘This is really nice. Not nice enough to open and use, obviously. But look at the colours. This will be the perfect gift for someone I know nothing about.’”
Pryce’s hairdresser, who asked to remain anonymous, said “It was really thoughtful of Darla to get me a Christmas present. I like tea as much as the next person. Very occasionally and when someone else makes it. Anyway, she’s saved me a few bucks.”
Thrifty gift-giver Anton Van Der Gross was delighted to receive the set, which costs precisely $50. “This is just made for Secret Santa,” said Gross, “especially because I don’t care about my colleagues at all.”
The box is expected to remain sealed until at least 2024, or until it is finally gifted to that one aunt who actually drinks tea.


thechaser--2020-12-13--Donald Trump begins workshopping fresh conspiracies for 2024 election loss

Former host of The Apprentice turned social media influencer Donald Trump has begun workshopping fresh conspiracies to explain why he will once again be robbed of an election win in 2024 .
Trump reportedly met with his most trusted non-jailed allies at the most mutually conveniently-located landscaping carpark to run through their best excuse ideas , making this the most work he has ever put into planning for an election to date .
However , the process reportedly immediately hit several hurdles , one of which being that many members of Trump ’ s inner circle have been unable to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , having scheduling conflicts with their divorce attorneys , being preoccupied committing campaign finance fraud , or only being allowed one phone call per day .
Another issue for the Trump campaign came when they realised that they have already used up all their best ideas this year and that blaming election fraud , China , “ big media ” , “ big tech ” , “ big pharma ” , Communism , pollsters , and the ‘ hacking skills ’ of long-dead dictators again in 2024 may look a bit suspicious .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ to such a desperation that they even asked Eric Trump if he had any good ideas , however he was too distracted after someone was shaking his dad ’ s sharpies causing them to “ go all wavy and cool ” to be able to pay attention to the meeting .
One member of the meeting suggested that Trump could blame whoever mishandled a pandemic that killed 280,000 Americans , tried to stop international action on climate change , inflamed race relations and attempted to dismantle every element of American democracy on him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ team slammed the suggestion claiming that those are were all the reasons people would want to vote for a president , and would therefore be ‘ too far-fetched ’ for even his supporters to believe .
In the end Trump is understood to have settled for reusing Hilary Clinton ’ s emails again as the designated 2024 conspiracy .

Former host of The Apprentice turned social media influencer Donald Trump has begun workshopping fresh conspiracies to explain why he will once again be robbed of an election win in 2024. Trump reportedly met with his most trusted non-jailed allies at the most mutually conveniently-located landscaping carpark to run through their best excuse ideas, making this the most work he has ever put into planning for an election to date.
However, the process reportedly immediately hit several hurdles, one of which being that many members of Trump’s inner circle have been unable to be contacted due to suffering from coronavirus, having scheduling conflicts with their divorce attorneys, being preoccupied committing campaign finance fraud, or only being allowed one phone call per day.
Another issue for the Trump campaign came when they realised that they have already used up all their best ideas this year and that blaming election fraud, China, “big media”, “big tech”, “big pharma”, Communism, pollsters, and the ‘hacking skills’ of long-dead dictators again in 2024 may look a bit suspicious. The lack of new ideas apparently lead to such a desperation that they even asked Eric Trump if he had any good ideas, however he was too distracted after someone was shaking his dad’s sharpies causing them to “go all wavy and cool” to be able to pay attention to the meeting.
One member of the meeting suggested that Trump could blame whoever mishandled a pandemic that killed 280,000 Americans, tried to stop international action on climate change, inflamed race relations and attempted to dismantle every element of American democracy on him losing an election. However the Trump team slammed the suggestion claiming that those are were all the reasons people would want to vote for a president, and would therefore be ‘too far-fetched’ for even his supporters to believe.
In the end Trump is understood to have settled for reusing Hilary Clinton’s emails again as the designated 2024 conspiracy.


thechaser--2020-12-15--“Ok now China has actually crossed the line targeting our heroic coal” says furious Morrison

Coal spokesperson and DIY enthusiast Scott Morrison has today hit back at the Chinese government after the announcement that the country will be boycotting Aussie coal .
Much like the planet , Mr Morrison became worryingly heated at the announcement saying that “ now China has actually crossed the line targeting our coal ” .
Mr Morrison took a break from his important DIY work to speak to the media earlier today : “ This horrific attack happened without any warning and the damage to the economy was completely unpredictable , ” he said despite economists and political experts warning @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over a decade now .
“ This was an atrocity , plain and simple .
This is by far the worst thing any Chinese government has ever done , and I mean ever !
” “ It ’ s about time someone completely unselfishly takes on China .
I mean violating human rights is one thing , but not buying coal is unforgivable .
For decades we have been fine with allying ourselves with a country that treats human rights like Peter Dutton keeps wanting to treats human rights , but as of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gone on long enough .
I mean I am all for locking up whistle blowers , arresting journalists , denying the Muslim community the rights given to people by the UN , hell I even tried to make protesting and boycotting illegal , but this bullying is too far .
Not buying our coal is truly inhumane.
” “ I will not sit here and stand by as the heroic coal gets attacked by them .
Come on Australia help me fight back and save those in need this Christmas .
I plan @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ASAP meaning that unlike before when they don ’ t pay tax and the government donates millions of taxpayer money too them , now you at home can donate directly to Gina too .
There will be a tray passed around at the end of this , and a phone number on the screen at my next photo op , so please give generously.
” Many Australians are left wondering what Scott Morrison will do next whether he will take a few weeks off at home or will he just piss off to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ actually not do either , “ He only has done those things during crises that don ’ t directly effect the coal lobby , so issues that he doesn ’ t care about .
”

Coal spokesperson and DIY enthusiast Scott Morrison has today hit back at the Chinese government after the announcement that the country will be boycotting Aussie coal. Much like the planet, Mr Morrison became worryingly heated at the announcement saying that “now China has actually crossed the line targeting our coal”.
Mr Morrison took a break from his important DIY work to speak to the media earlier today:
“This horrific attack happened without any warning and the damage to the economy was completely unpredictable,” he said despite economists and political experts warning that this exact thing would happen for over a decade now. “This was an atrocity, plain and simple. This is by far the worst thing any Chinese government has ever done, and I mean ever!”
“It’s about time someone completely unselfishly takes on China. I mean violating human rights is one thing, but not buying coal is unforgivable. For decades we have been fine with allying ourselves with a country that treats human rights like Peter Dutton keeps wanting to treats human rights, but as of like a month ago, it has gone on long enough. I mean I am all for locking up whistle blowers, arresting journalists, denying the Muslim community the rights given to people by the UN, hell I even tried to make protesting and boycotting illegal, but this bullying is too far. Not buying our coal is truly inhumane.”
“I will not sit here and stand by as the heroic coal gets attacked by them. Come on Australia help me fight back and save those in need this Christmas. I plan to list all coal companies as charities ASAP meaning that unlike before when they don’t pay tax and the government donates millions of taxpayer money too them, now you at home can donate directly to Gina too. There will be a tray passed around at the end of this, and a phone number on the screen at my next photo op, so please give generously.”
Many Australians are left wondering what Scott Morrison will do next whether he will take a few weeks off at home or will he just piss off to Hawaii, however experts believe he might actually not do either, “He only has done those things during crises that don’t directly effect the coal lobby, so issues that he doesn’t care about.”


thechaser--2020-12-15--“Australia is doing a lot to combat climate change, despite my best efforts,” defends Morrison

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has hit out at the assertions that Australia is not doing enough to combat the climate-crisis .
“ Australians are fighting hard against climate change , despite how hard we try to stop them , ” bragged the Prime Minister .
Mr Morrison took a moment to speak to the press in between photo shoots .
“ There is this crazy idea going around that my government ‘ hasn ’ t done very little around climate change ’ , but that is just simply untrue .
We have opened coal mines , are planning a gas-fire-powered @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Great Barrier Reef .
You could say we ’ re climate change ’ s greatest ally !
” “ Despite all this good work , there is a real chance that regrettably our nation will hit net zero emissions by 2050 .
I am deeply ashamed we were not able to protect our party ’ s investors , I mean donors , from the anti-coal lobby.
” “ We just believe the idea using proven green energy solutions is a bit too far , that ’ s all .
We believe that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ especially those paid for by mining companies .
Why give tax breaks to renewable energy , when our fossil fuel companies have already perfected avoiding tax ?
” “ The hysteria around this topic is just ridiculous .
I mean come on , it ’ s called NATURAL GAS for peeps sake .
How can something natural be bad for nature ?
We need to just invent an entirely new technology to burn the same amount of coal cleanly .
We can ’ t rely on old , outdated proven green energy technologies.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ party , just shut up already about Mathias Corman .
He financially supported Gina throughout the recession so much that she doubled her wealth during the pandemic .
I mean if he really ‘ wasn ’ t suitable ’ for the job , then why would our Labour Party back him without reservation ?
They even supported using tax payer funding to fly a jet for a tour around Europe in order for him to try and gain support instead of just using a phone or the internet .
I mean if a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ world doesn ’ t show both his and our governments commitment to smart monetary decisions and protecting the environment , I don ’ t know what will .
”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has hit out at the assertions that Australia is not doing enough to combat the climate-crisis. “Australians are fighting hard against climate change, despite how hard we try to stop them,” bragged the Prime Minister.
Mr Morrison took a moment to speak to the press in between photo shoots.
“There is this crazy idea going around that my government ‘hasn’t done very little around climate change’, but that is just simply untrue. We have opened coal mines, are planning a gas-fire-powered future and stopped international intervention into saving the Great Barrier Reef. You could say we’re climate change’s greatest ally!”
“Despite all this good work, there is a real chance that regrettably our nation will hit net zero emissions by 2050. I am deeply ashamed we were not able to protect our party’s investors, I mean donors, from the anti-coal lobby.”
“We just believe the idea using proven green energy solutions is a bit too far, that’s all. We believe that we should listen to the studies, especially those paid for by mining companies. Why give tax breaks to renewable energy, when our fossil fuel companies have already perfected avoiding tax?”
“The hysteria around this topic is just ridiculous. I mean come on, it’s called NATURAL GAS for peeps sake. How can something natural be bad for nature? We need to just invent an entirely new technology to burn the same amount of coal cleanly. We can’t rely on old, outdated proven green energy technologies.”
“Also to the UK Labor party, just shut up already about Mathias Corman. He financially supported Gina throughout the recession so much that she doubled her wealth during the pandemic. I mean if he really ‘wasn’t suitable’ for the job, then why would our Labour Party back him without reservation? They even supported using tax payer funding to fly a jet for a tour around Europe in order for him to try and gain support instead of just using a phone or the internet. I mean if a taxpayer funded private jet ride around the world doesn’t show both his and our governments commitment to smart monetary decisions and protecting the environment, I don’t know what will.”


thechaser--2020-12-16--Treasurer slams banks for not investing in bad investment that destroys the planet

Guy in charge of the government ’ s investments , Josh Frydenberg , has today called for an inquiry into the decision by banks to stop investing in the coal industry , an industry that doesn ’ t pay tax while producing a resource that has seen a constant fall in demand and heavily contributes to the destruction of the planet .
Mr Frydenberg is perplexed by the decision to change course ‘ for no good reason ’ claiming they are only doing it to not contribute so heavily to climate change , which financial analysts have actually deemed a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ need answers regarding the reckless nature in which banks treat regular Aussies ’ money , ” demanded the man who tried to stop the recent banking Royal Commission .
“ It doesn ’ t make any sense to do this .
How else will the coal lobby be able to afford to win me elections so that I can give them more money in return ?
The banks aren ’ t considering the importance properly !
” “ For over a decade the economists have referred to the coal industry as a ship @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the economy is heading straight for an iceberg , the dumb bankers are abandoning ship for no good reason .
Investing in coal will save us from the iceberg because soon thanks to coal power plants , there wont be any icebergs for the ship to ram into.
” “ Any good economist knows you don ’ t leave an investment just because things are looking bad .
Instead you chase your losses and invest more money to make up for the falling demand .
Our government knows that if you have already @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you can ’ t stop now , you cant just abandon your sunk costs .
That ’ s how investing works , you keep shovelling more and more money into an industry that will never see a return on the income , and just keep going indefinitely until the eventual heat death of the planet .
Which if the banks were smart with their money , could come sooner than you think , just saying .
”

Guy in charge of the government’s investments, Josh Frydenberg, has today called for an inquiry into the decision by banks to stop investing in the coal industry, an industry that doesn’t pay tax while producing a resource that has seen a constant fall in demand and heavily contributes to the destruction of the planet.
Mr Frydenberg is perplexed by the decision to change course ‘for no good reason’ claiming they are only doing it to not contribute so heavily to climate change, which financial analysts have actually deemed a ‘good reason’.
“We need answers regarding the reckless nature in which banks treat regular Aussies’ money,” demanded the man who tried to stop the recent banking Royal Commission. “It doesn’t make any sense to do this. How else will the coal lobby be able to afford to win me elections so that I can give them more money in return? The banks aren’t considering the importance properly!”
“For over a decade the economists have referred to the coal industry as a ship that is ready to sink. Now the economy is heading straight for an iceberg, the dumb bankers are abandoning ship for no good reason. Investing in coal will save us from the iceberg because soon thanks to coal power plants, there wont be any icebergs for the ship to ram into.”
“Any good economist knows you don’t leave an investment just because things are looking bad. Instead you chase your losses and invest more money to make up for the falling demand. Our government knows that if you have already sunk money into something in the past you can’t stop now, you cant just abandon your sunk costs. That’s how investing works, you keep shovelling more and more money into an industry that will never see a return on the income, and just keep going indefinitely until the eventual heat death of the planet. Which if the banks were smart with their money, could come sooner than you think, just saying.”


thechaser--2020-12-17--“Why won’t you listen to medical science” yells man who thinks ADHD is an alien hoax

Scientology leader and real life bond villain , Tom Cruise went viral earlier today after a controversial video was leaked of him berating his employees after they broke Covid guidelines .
“ Why won ’ t you people listen to doctors ?
” screamed the leader of a cult that claims that phycologists are a group of sadists run by aliens working together in an international cabal with plans to overthrow all governments by sedating people with ‘ chemical straight jacket ’ medication like Ritalin which Cruise himself calls a street drug , “ What ’ s wrong with you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , do you idiots not care about how many people have lost all their money during this pandemic ?
” said the leader of a cult that has been bankrupting it ’ s believers for decades .
“ I ’ ve heard other productions just fire people who break their guidelines and immediately replace them with the unemployed workers , but if I have learnt anything from my time at Scientology it is that you can ’ t just allow people to leave something.
” “ How could anyone just not listen to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are proven by scientists , the human scientists not the alien controlled ones obviously.
” “ Look I am just worried about the people who could lose their money if production is shut down .
And of course by people I mean me .
When it comes to MY PAYCHEQUE , NO BODY SHOULD BE IGNORING IMPORTANT MEDICAL ADVICE .
I WILL NOT APOLOGISE !
Unless it is the medical advice I want people to ignore for my paycheque .
”

Scientology leader and real life bond villain, Tom Cruise went viral earlier today after a controversial video was leaked of him berating his employees after they broke Covid guidelines. “Why won’t you people listen to doctors?” screamed the leader of a cult that claims that phycologists are a group of sadists run by aliens working together in an international cabal with plans to overthrow all governments by sedating people with ‘chemical straight jacket’ medication like Ritalin which Cruise himself calls a street drug, “What’s wrong with you idiots?”
“This is crazy, do you idiots not care about how many people have lost all their money during this pandemic?” said the leader of a cult that has been bankrupting it’s believers for decades. “I’ve heard other productions just fire people who break their guidelines and immediately replace them with the unemployed workers, but if I have learnt anything from my time at Scientology it is that you can’t just allow people to leave something.”
“How could anyone just not listen to proven medical science. I mean these are proven by scientists, the human scientists not the alien controlled ones obviously.”
“Look I am just worried about the people who could lose their money if production is shut down. And of course by people I mean me. When it comes to MY PAYCHEQUE, NO BODY SHOULD BE IGNORING IMPORTANT MEDICAL ADVICE. I WILL NOT APOLOGISE! Unless it is the medical advice I want people to ignore for my paycheque.”


thechaser--2020-12-18--Morrison takes action on Christmas COVID outbreak by flying immediately to Hawaii

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today demanded his staff take rapid and direct action following the outbreak of COVID on Sydney ’ s Northern Beaches , with the Prime Minister ensuring all hands are on deck booking his flights and accommodation for a quick getaway in Hawaii .
“ It just seems like the right time , ” said Morrison , buttoning up his floral shirt , “ I mean , I don ’ t hold a swab mate .
What do you expect me to do ?
” “ I feel for the people of Sydney , and I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” said an emotional Morrison as his private jet touched down in Honolulu .
“ Just like I was there for the people of Melbourne , and now I ’ m going to hand over to Josh Frydenberg to tell you all how much of a dictator Gladys is until such time as we can take credit for her work.
” Retraction : We have been informed by the PM ’ s office this is incorrect – Morrison did not fly immediately to Hawaii , he made a quick stop at Bunnings @

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today demanded his staff take rapid and direct action following the outbreak of COVID on Sydney’s Northern Beaches, with the Prime Minister ensuring all hands are on deck booking his flights and accommodation for a quick getaway in Hawaii.
“It just seems like the right time,” said Morrison, buttoning up his floral shirt, “I mean, I don’t hold a swab mate. What do you expect me to do?”
“I feel for the people of Sydney, and I’m with you all the way,” said an emotional Morrison as his private jet touched down in Honolulu. “Just like I was there for the people of Melbourne, and now I’m going to hand over to Josh Frydenberg to tell you all how much of a dictator Gladys is until such time as we can take credit for her work.”
Retraction: We have been informed by the PM’s office this is incorrect – Morrison did not fly immediately to Hawaii, he made a quick stop at Bunnings first


thechaser--2020-12-20--PM concerned the new covid wave in Sydney could pose a real risk to the Cronulla Sharks

Leader of the Cronulla Sharks fan club and guy who constantly has the weirdest feeling like he forgot to lead something else , Scott Morrison has today announced concerns about the risk the new outbreak of Coronavirus in Sydney could have on the Sharks .
This concern comes after the first reported case of the virus spreading to the Cronulla region , which has left the PM mortified by the idea that ‘ someone whose life actually matters dying ’ .
“ I thought this virus went too far when it hit an elite beach , but now it is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ PM while packing his bags for Hawaii , “ Someone really needs to stand up and stop this virus , this country could really use a solid leader right about now .
Has anyone asked Paul Gallen what he thinks ?
” “ Back when it was targeting the elderly I felt a bit worried because that could hurt my voter base , but now I am concerned it could take out my team .
Those poor boys .
I mean reputation wise Sharks players are quite similar to the Liberal-National Party .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ worse is if a Murdoch or a Rinehart get it , and with it circling the poor rich white people… I am sorry , it is scary just thinking about it .
I can ’ t. ” The PM is not the only one concerned by the virus spreading to Cronulla obviously , professional racist liar and human disgrace Alan Jones has shown great concern for the citizens of Cronulla saying : “ I have a special connection to the people of Cronulla and I know they listen to what I say , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a virus had spread to Cronulla again .
Luckily this time it doesn ’ t involve Muslim people , but covid is still scary .
Either way , people of Cronulla in case a problem grows worse , stand back and stand by .
”

Leader of the Cronulla Sharks fan club and guy who constantly has the weirdest feeling like he forgot to lead something else, Scott Morrison has today announced concerns about the risk the new outbreak of Coronavirus in Sydney could have on the Sharks. This concern comes after the first reported case of the virus spreading to the Cronulla region, which has left the PM mortified by the idea that ‘someone whose life actually matters dying’.
“I thought this virus went too far when it hit an elite beach, but now it is going after Cronulla?” said the PM while packing his bags for Hawaii, “Someone really needs to stand up and stop this virus, this country could really use a solid leader right about now. Has anyone asked Paul Gallen what he thinks?”
“Back when it was targeting the elderly I felt a bit worried because that could hurt my voter base, but now I am concerned it could take out my team. Those poor boys. I mean reputation wise Sharks players are quite similar to the Liberal-National Party. The only thing that could possibly be worse is if a Murdoch or a Rinehart get it, and with it circling the poor rich white people… I am sorry, it is scary just thinking about it. I can’t.”
The PM is not the only one concerned by the virus spreading to Cronulla obviously, professional racist liar and human disgrace Alan Jones has shown great concern for the citizens of Cronulla saying:
“I have a special connection to the people of Cronulla and I know they listen to what I say, so I was worried when I heard a virus had spread to Cronulla again. Luckily this time it doesn’t involve Muslim people, but covid is still scary. Either way, people of Cronulla in case a problem grows worse, stand back and stand by.”


thechaser--2020-12-21--Manhunt Underway for a SAS Soldier Who Has Not Drunk from a Prosthetic Leg

A national manhunt is underway to find any members of the Special Air Service Regiment ( SAS ) who has not drunk from a dead man ’ s prosthetic leg .
Earlier today , photos of Victorian Cross recipient Ben Roberts-Smith emerged showing the soldier allegedly cheering on use of the macabre yard glass .
Affectionately referred to as ‘ Das Boot ’ , the trophy was carried throughout the Middle East by the SAS .
One Soldier , who asked to remain anonymous , was quoted as saying , “ Anyone who says beer tastes best out of a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out of the leg of a dead Taliban soldier ” As more photos of Soldiers are released by the Media , the Australian Government has launched an investigation to determine if any Soldiers have not drunk from the trophy .
A representative of the Federal Government said “ At this point , it might be considered that not participating in this heinous war crime is un-Australian ” It is unsure of what will eventuate out of these war crimes , with Judge Brereton saying that ‘ He can ’ t sentence Soldiers to @ @ @ @ @ @

A national manhunt is underway to find any members of the Special Air Service Regiment (SAS) who has not drunk from a dead man’s prosthetic leg. Earlier today, photos of Victorian Cross recipient Ben Roberts-Smith emerged showing the soldier allegedly cheering on use of the macabre yard glass.
Affectionately referred to as ‘Das Boot’, the trophy was carried throughout the Middle East by the SAS. One Soldier, who asked to remain anonymous, was quoted as saying, “Anyone who says beer tastes best out of a can, hasn’t had it out of the leg of a dead Taliban soldier”
As more photos of Soldiers are released by the Media, the Australian Government has launched an investigation to determine if any Soldiers have not drunk from the trophy. A representative of the Federal Government said “At this point, it might be considered that not participating in this heinous war crime is un-Australian”
It is unsure of what will eventuate out of these war crimes, with Judge Brereton saying that ‘He can’t sentence Soldiers to a spot in hell’.