thechaser--2020-06-21--350 billion people attend Trump rally

350 billion people attend Trump rally

350 billion people have attended a Donald Trump campaign rally in Tulsa , according to Donald Trump .
Speaking to the actual crowd of around 50 , Trump spent the first half of the rally counting the number of people there but got stuck on the 11th person when he ran out of fingers .
He then loudly declared that 350 billion people were in attendance , a number much higher than the population of the human race .
Experts say a fear of coronavirus , and a fear of having to listen to Trump talk about himself for hours @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the rally , Trump boasted about suppressing the number of people who have been tested for coronavirus in the United States , which has seen the number of people testing positive decline .
Insiders say he is now pushing the abolition of all medical testing , which would eliminate all medical problems in the United States .
Expecting a huge crowd , Trump had spent the last week practising drinking water one handed and walking down ramps in preparation for his campaign rally .
Insiders say Trump is angry and devastated to have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

350 billion people have attended a Donald Trump campaign rally in Tulsa, according to Donald Trump.
Speaking to the actual crowd of around 50, Trump spent the first half of the rally counting the number of people there but got stuck on the 11th person when he ran out of fingers. He then loudly declared that 350 billion people were in attendance, a number much higher than the population of the human race.
Experts say a fear of coronavirus, and a fear of having to listen to Trump talk about himself for hours, likely dampened expected turnout.
At the rally, Trump boasted about suppressing the number of people who have been tested for coronavirus in the United States, which has seen the number of people testing positive decline. Insiders say he is now pushing the abolition of all medical testing, which would eliminate all medical problems in the United States.
Expecting a huge crowd, Trump had spent the last week practising drinking water one handed and walking down ramps in preparation for his campaign rally. Insiders say Trump is angry and devastated to have wasted so much time mastering those skills.


thechaser--2020-06-24--American government cures all cancer by not testing for it

A view of the North Portico of the White House , Wednesday June 14 , 2017 in Washington D.C. ( Official White House Photo by Joyce N. Boghosian ) The Trump administration has today raised a two handed champaign glass in celebration following one of the most stunning medical breakthroughs in modern history , after cancer was completely eradicated across the United States following the President ’ s genius suggestion that they just stop testing for it .
“ Since we stopped running any kind of test that is known to show signs of cancer , rates of detection of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reported one elated doctor today .
“ It really is a miracle breakthrough that I can ’ t believe we never though of before.
” Asked whether this new amazing cure could also be applied to other medical conditions like whatever is slowly eating away at Trump ’ s brain , doctors said they were unsure but hopeful .
“ After having so much success eradicating COVID by simply not testing anyone for it , and now cancer , we ’ re really looking at what other diseases we could wipe out by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” explained one doctor .
“ So far White House doctors haven ’ t tested Trump for a range of conditions , and so we assume he ’ s completely fit for office .
In fact , he ’ s so mentally with it that he ’ s suggested we start injecting him with bleach , which we ’ ll be trialing any day now .
I ’ ve already tried it myself ang I ’ m herthier than agar .
”

The Trump administration has today raised a two handed champaign glass in celebration following one of the most stunning medical breakthroughs in modern history, after cancer was completely eradicated across the United States following the President’s genius suggestion that they just stop testing for it.
“Since we stopped running any kind of test that is known to show signs of cancer, rates of detection of cancer have dropped to zero,” reported one elated doctor today. “It really is a miracle breakthrough that I can’t believe we never though of before.”
Asked whether this new amazing cure could also be applied to other medical conditions like whatever is slowly eating away at Trump’s brain, doctors said they were unsure but hopeful. “After having so much success eradicating COVID by simply not testing anyone for it, and now cancer, we’re really looking at what other diseases we could wipe out by not actively searching for them anymore,” explained one doctor. “So far White House doctors haven’t tested Trump for a range of conditions, and so we assume he’s completely fit for office. In fact, he’s so mentally with it that he’s suggested we start injecting him with bleach, which we’ll be trialing any day now. I’ve already tried it myself ang I’m herthier than agar.”


thechaser--2020-06-24--Government sets up royal commission into anyone who John Howard ever called a good bloke

The Federal Government has today been joined in a unanimous vote with the opposition to open a new Royal Commission @ @ @ @ @ ’ s dodgy mates , in a move that is expected to significantly reduce the @ @ @ @ @ hold positions of power in this country .
The move comes in the wake of @ @ @ @ @ a disturbing pattern of influential friends of Mr Howard turning out to be sex pests @ @ @ @ @ for even after their crimes have been exposed , including most recently the accused former @ @ @ @ @ time hand dryer Dyson Heydon , and once convicted pedophile priest [ redacted ] Pell @ @ @ @ @ to begin immediately , with investigations into Donald Bradman and Robert Menzies expected to take @ @ @ @ @ .
Peter Costello has immediately been cleared by the commission .

The Federal Government has today been joined in a unanimous vote with the opposition to open a new Royal Commission into all of John Howard’s dodgy mates, in a move that is expected to significantly reduce the incidence of sex offenders who hold positions of power in this country.
The move comes in the wake of what many are describing as a disturbing pattern of influential friends of Mr Howard turning out to be sex pests who Howard goes into bat for even after their crimes have been exposed, including most recently the accused former High Court judge and part time hand dryer Dyson Heydon, and once convicted pedophile priest [redacted] Pell.
The Commission is expected to begin immediately, with investigations into Donald Bradman and Robert Menzies expected to take up a majority of resources. Peter Costello has immediately been cleared by the commission.


thechaser--2020-06-24--‘Getting Offended By Lolly Names Is Ridiculous’ Says Man Offended By Changing Lolly Names

Following Nestle ’ s decision to change the names of its ‘ Redskins ’ and ‘ Chicos ’ lollies , @ @ @ @ @ to social media to voice their outrage .
“ It ’ s a bloody joke @ @ @ @ @ educated at the School of Hard Knocks .
“ These snowflakes are offended by the @ @ @ @ @ now we have to change it ?
Ridiculous !
Why do these idiots get so @ @ @ @ @ posted the clearly outraged Rodney .
“ I can tell you I ’ ll never @ @ @ @ @ he threatened despite not having purchased either for multiple decades .
“ I ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ those offensively named candy cigarettes .
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY CHANGED THE NAME OF @ @ @ @ @ When contacted by our reporter , Rodney advised that the only way he could calm @ @ @ @ @ toasted sandwich using his favourite Coon cheese , in a sign that it could be @ @ @ @ @ .

Following Nestle’s decision to change the names of its ‘Redskins’ and ‘Chicos’ lollies, numerous unflappable citizens have taken to social media to voice their outrage.
“It’s a bloody joke” said Rodney, formally educated at the School of Hard Knocks. “These snowflakes are offended by the name of a lolly so now we have to change it? Ridiculous! Why do these idiots get so outraged about everything!” posted the clearly outraged Rodney.
“I can tell you I’ll never be buying them again” he threatened despite not having purchased either for multiple decades. “I’ll take my business back to those offensively named candy cigarettes. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY CHANGED THE NAME OF THEM TOO!?”
When contacted by our reporter, Rodney advised that the only way he could calm down was with a delicious toasted sandwich using his favourite Coon cheese, in a sign that it could be a rough year for Rodney.


thechaser--2020-06-24--Trump bans testing in schools in order to wipe out illiteracy

US President and cartoonish bad guy Donald Trump has announced plans for a drastic change in the education of young Americans by banning all testing of students , in a bid to reduce the number of bad grades given out to students .
In an executive order signed today , teachers will be required to cancel all forms of assessment and all grades are to be changed to be “ A+++ The Trump Standard ” on report cards , disregarding any and all indicators of how students are actually progressing .
“ We are about to have the most smartest @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the President while struggling to work out how to operate a water bottle .
“ I have saved our country bigly , yet again .
Trust me I know smart , I have told I am the smartest man to ever live , and I was told that by me , the smartest man to ever live , so it must be true.
” “ It ’ s simple really , ” he continued after giving up on trying to read the teleprompter , “ if we stop basing grades on the kids @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all perfect grades our literacy and numeracy rates in schools will rise so fast .
The ‘ media ’ and the ‘ experts ’ keep saying the schools need more money so all the kids and teachers have the resources they need , but if we stop testing them then boom , no resources needed .
It ’ s fool proof .
I mean school is already too hard as it is , I remember years ago Barron came up to me asking for help with his reading and I wasn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ To this day I don ’ t know if that poor very hungry caterpillar ever did get full.
” However , the teacher ’ s union has hit back at the plan , calling it ‘ probably the stupidest thing we ’ ve heard since the last thing Trump said something ’ .
“ Tests are an important part of the teaching process , without it what else will we have to complain about needing to mark ?
” griped one teacher .
“ Oh yeah , also it ’ s useful to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ well .
Now all we will have to complain about is the kids , the parents , the hours , the pay , the government making decisions about us without us , and of course the other teachers .
I forgot what I was talking about , anyway you got any wine ?
”

US President and cartoonish bad guy Donald Trump has announced plans for a drastic change in the education of young Americans by banning all testing of students, in a bid to reduce the number of bad grades given out to students. In an executive order signed today, teachers will be required to cancel all forms of assessment and all grades are to be changed to be “A+++ The Trump Standard” on report cards, disregarding any and all indicators of how students are actually progressing.
“We are about to have the most smartest nation in the world,” shouted the President while struggling to work out how to operate a water bottle. “I have saved our country bigly, yet again. Trust me I know smart, I have told I am the smartest man to ever live, and I was told that by me, the smartest man to ever live, so it must be true.”
“It’s simple really,” he continued after giving up on trying to read the teleprompter, “if we stop basing grades on the kids’ work and instead just give them all perfect grades our literacy and numeracy rates in schools will rise so fast. The ‘media’ and the ‘experts’ keep saying the schools need more money so all the kids and teachers have the resources they need, but if we stop testing them then boom, no resources needed. It’s fool proof. I mean school is already too hard as it is, I remember years ago Barron came up to me asking for help with his reading and I wasn’t even able to finish the book. To this day I don’t know if that poor very hungry caterpillar ever did get full.”
However, the teacher’s union has hit back at the plan, calling it ‘probably the stupidest thing we’ve heard since the last thing Trump said something’. “Tests are an important part of the teaching process, without it what else will we have to complain about needing to mark?” griped one teacher. “Oh yeah, also it’s useful to tell the kids progress and stuff as well. Now all we will have to complain about is the kids, the parents, the hours, the pay, the government making decisions about us without us, and of course the other teachers. I forgot what I was talking about, anyway you got any wine?”


thechaser--2020-06-25--Fitzroy hipster ‘preferred the original coronavirus’

Hipsters in the trendy Melbourne suburb of Fitzroy have confirmed the original version of the novel coronavirus was much more ‘ real ’ than the sequel .
Locals say the second wave will be mainly for tourists , blow-ins and try-hards .
Artist Garth Blanket described the strain of Covid-19 that appeared in late February as “ The benchmark , really ” , going on to say that you had to be there to experience the deadly virus “ as intended.
” “ The original coronavirus was fresh , and new , and you ’ d never seen anything like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Did it have its detractors ?
Sure .
Did everyone love it ?
Of course not .
Anything new is going to frighten people.
” Blanket ’ s partner , Miriam Foote , agreed saying “ I only like the first version of things .
For example , I think the Jeff Buckley Hallelujah is better than the ones on X-Factor .
And I think the first Sex Pistols album is way better than the others ones they did .
I ’ m kind of weird and interesting like that.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ coronavirus , then fine .
But for me nothing will beat the original.
” “ But even so , ” said Ms Foote , “ I ’ ll be making sure I remind all my Sydney friends that Melbourne got the second wave first .
”

Hipsters in the trendy Melbourne suburb of Fitzroy have confirmed the original version of the novel coronavirus was much more ‘real’ than the sequel.
Locals say the second wave will be mainly for tourists, blow-ins and try-hards.
Artist Garth Blanket described the strain of Covid-19 that appeared in late February as “The benchmark, really”, going on to say that you had to be there to experience the deadly virus “as intended.”
“The original coronavirus was fresh, and new, and you’d never seen anything like it,” said Mr Blanket. “Did it have its detractors? Sure. Did everyone love it? Of course not. Anything new is going to frighten people.”
Blanket’s partner, Miriam Foote, agreed saying “I only like the first version of things. For example, I think the Jeff Buckley Hallelujah is better than the ones on X-Factor. And I think the first Sex Pistols album is way better than the others ones they did. I’m kind of weird and interesting like that.”
“If you can only get second wave coronavirus, then fine. But for me nothing will beat the original.”
“But even so,” said Ms Foote, “I’ll be making sure I remind all my Sydney friends that Melbourne got the second wave first.”


thechaser--2020-06-28--Victoria agrees to be 51st state of USA: immediately becomes ‘best performing state in the country’

After a surge in COVID-19 cases in Victoria , Donald Trump has made an offer to buy Victoria and make it the 51st state of the USA .
“ It ’ s all about image , ” Trump told supporters at his 15 strong rally , “ Victoria is Australia ’ s worst performing state for COVID-19 cases and by buying Victoria , it ’ ll be the USA ’ s best performing state which I can take credit for !
” After being briefed for 5 hours by exasperated scientists , about how Victorians aren ’ t actually upside @ @ @ @ @ @ @ off Prime Minister Scott Morisson ’ s hands much to the relief of the rest of Australia .
Warning NSW residents that they ’ d be next if their cases continue to rise , every single NSW citizen rushed home and vowed not to leave the house until they were COVID-19 free .
The Victorian Premier and soon to be Governor , Daniel Andrews , has reportedly already been given his first strike by President Trump .
Andrews ’ plans to test more Victorians for COVID-19 has been seen to be an obstacle @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people so there ’ s fewer cases .
“ I have big plans !
Very huge , big plans for Victoria , ” Trump told his supporters , “ First order of business is to make Victoria great again by cutting off their healthcare and getting rid of their ridiculous gun control laws .
They ’ ll finally be armed enough so they can fight off the many dangerous animals , like drop bears , that inhabit there .
”

After a surge in COVID-19 cases in Victoria, Donald Trump has made an offer to buy Victoria and make it the 51st state of the USA. “It’s all about image,” Trump told supporters at his 15 strong rally, “Victoria is Australia’s worst performing state for COVID-19 cases and by buying Victoria, it’ll be the USA’s best performing state which I can take credit for!”
After being briefed for 5 hours by exasperated scientists, about how Victorians aren’t actually upside down, Trump offered to take Victoria off Prime Minister Scott Morisson’s hands much to the relief of the rest of Australia. Warning NSW residents that they’d be next if their cases continue to rise, every single NSW citizen rushed home and vowed not to leave the house until they were COVID-19 free.
The Victorian Premier and soon to be Governor, Daniel Andrews, has reportedly already been given his first strike by President Trump. Andrews’ plans to test more Victorians for COVID-19 has been seen to be an obstacle for Trump who wants to test fewer people so there’s fewer cases.
“I have big plans! Very huge, big plans for Victoria,” Trump told his supporters, “First order of business is to make Victoria great again by cutting off their healthcare and getting rid of their ridiculous gun control laws. They’ll finally be armed enough so they can fight off the many dangerous animals, like drop bears, that inhabit there.”


thechaser--2020-06-28--Trump’s niece hides revelations from him by putting them in a book

Donald Trump ’ s niece has ensured he will never find her disclosures about the family by placing them all in a book .
Mary Trump described searching for the safest place possible before settling on a hardback of approximately 300 pages with no pictures .
The publisher has suggested Mary Trump ’ s book Too Much and Never Enough will reveal never-before-heard information about the Trump family , including what the fuck is wrong with Donald .
They went on to say that the president would never find out , as long as no one dobbed .
Mary Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ find out what I ’ ve been saying about his asymmetrical nipples , ‘ Christmas diarrhoea ’ , or the time I caught him practicing kissing on a shoe .
“ It doesn ’ t matter if they read it out on Fox News .
As long as they say it ’ s from a book first he ’ ll be shuffling to the fridge by the time they start.
” Despite the author ’ s precautions , the danger remains that Trump will eventually catch on .
Aides have threatened to reveal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Twitter account of an adult entertainer or in the funny pages of the New York Post , or by buying the book and leaving it near him with a bit of ham as a bookmark .

Donald Trump’s niece has ensured he will never find her disclosures about the family by placing them all in a book. Mary Trump described searching for the safest place possible before settling on a hardback of approximately 300 pages with no pictures.
The publisher has suggested Mary Trump’s book Too Much and Never Enough will reveal never-before-heard information about the Trump family, including what the fuck is wrong with Donald. They went on to say that the president would never find out, as long as no one dobbed.
Mary Trump said “My cousin Donald will never find out what I’ve been saying about his asymmetrical nipples, ‘Christmas diarrhoea’, or the time I caught him practicing kissing on a shoe.
“It doesn’t matter if they read it out on Fox News. As long as they say it’s from a book first he’ll be shuffling to the fridge by the time they start.”
Despite the author’s precautions, the danger remains that Trump will eventually catch on. Aides have threatened to reveal everything by putting key passages on the Twitter account of an adult entertainer or in the funny pages of the New York Post, or by buying the book and leaving it near him with a bit of ham as a bookmark.


thechaser--2020-06-29--Perth man not so keen on clubs reopening after paying $25 for shot of Jim Beam

Perth nightclubs reopened this weekend with thousands of excited partygoers lining up for their first chance to get publicly shit-faced since lockdown began .
A local Perth man , Jim Daniels , has however expressed his disappointment at the nightlife scene some 25 minutes into lining up at the bar .
“ I guess I romanticised the whole thing in my head because what I ’ ve experienced so far has been a total let down !
” he snapped while having a red cocktail accidentally splashed on his white shirt from a passerby .
“ Somehow there ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he continued “ plus pints still cost a kidney and I ’ m not even drunk yet !
” Catching up with Mr Daniels in the morning , he seemed to echo his sentiments from the night before .
“ I ’ ve basically blown all the money I saved during the lockdown and I feel worse than the Adelaide Crows are performing on the field .
Now I remember why I hate going out in this town !
But will I do it all again next weekend ?
You bet .
”

Perth nightclubs reopened this weekend with thousands of excited partygoers lining up for their first chance to get publicly shit-faced since lockdown began. A local Perth man, Jim Daniels, has however expressed his disappointment at the nightlife scene some 25 minutes into lining up at the bar.
“I guess I romanticised the whole thing in my head because what I’ve experienced so far has been a total let down!” he snapped while having a red cocktail accidentally splashed on his white shirt from a passerby. “Somehow there’s vomit in every toilet already,” he continued “plus pints still cost a kidney and I’m not even drunk yet!”
Catching up with Mr Daniels in the morning, he seemed to echo his sentiments from the night before. “I’ve basically blown all the money I saved during the lockdown and I feel worse than the Adelaide Crows are performing on the field. Now I remember why I hate going out in this town! But will I do it all again next weekend? You bet.”


thechaser--2020-06-29--Sky News apologises for blatant racism and reassures fans “it will happen again”

Self-alleged ‘ news ’ organisation and televised insane asylum Sky News has yet again come under fire for remarks that were both factually inaccurate and racist by one of their presenters .
In a seemingly fortnightly occurrence , the Sky News PR team have put out a statement online in order to ‘ apologise ’ for the racist comments and strive to ‘ improve ’ in the future .
“ It has come to our attention that blaming all of Australia ’ s problems on ethnic groups can be construed by the cry-baby leftists as ‘ racism ’ .
IF @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of people for the colour of their skin , we apologise that YOU took offense .
To our loyal fans who once again see nothing wrong with what we say , we too apologise for the lack of slurs used in the piece as our ‘ political correctness ’ definitely went too far .
We truly understand it can be very difficult to know which race to hate when we are using the words you are used to associating with them .
We promise to everyone reading this we will definitely ‘ improve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and with presenters like Andrew Bolt , Peta Credlin and Alan Jones you can be sure this won ’ t be the last you hear about society ’ s unjust persecution of white people just because they said ‘ racist ’ things.
” Attached to the original statement , the PR team also put out a statement labelled ‘ For Future reference/controversies ’ : “ To the whom it may concern , this is in regards to the recent segment presented by [ insert host name here ] and [ his/her ] comments @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are [ insert allegation here ] and that these actions are ruining Australia .
[ Host Name ] and Sky News now know that those comments were inaccurate and also have been seen by many as offensive , we apologise if we offended anyone during that broadcast .
We have spoken to the host and will work to improve in the future however [ he/she ] will not be fired at this time because we think a chat will be punishment enough despite their history , but again we swear we are committed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of course brought to you by our wonderful sponsors at Ford , Sony Music , Commonwealth Bank and Westpac , they always have our backs no matter what we do !
” According to News Corp polling data , many Australians have taken comfort in these statements by Sky News and believe that there will be positive change .
So good news , we can all sleep easier knowing something repulsive like this will never happen on Sky News ever again and that this article won ’ t be relevant again any time @ @

Self-alleged ‘news’ organisation and televised insane asylum Sky News has yet again come under fire for remarks that were both factually inaccurate and racist by one of their presenters. In a seemingly fortnightly occurrence, the Sky News PR team have put out a statement online in order to ‘apologise’ for the racist comments and strive to ‘improve’ in the future.
“It has come to our attention that blaming all of Australia’s problems on ethnic groups can be construed by the cry-baby leftists as ‘racism’. IF any snowflakes are offended by our vilification of people for the colour of their skin, we apologise that YOU took offense. To our loyal fans who once again see nothing wrong with what we say, we too apologise for the lack of slurs used in the piece as our ‘political correctness’ definitely went too far. We truly understand it can be very difficult to know which race to hate when we are using the words you are used to associating with them. We promise to everyone reading this we will definitely ‘improve’ on this in the future, and with presenters like Andrew Bolt, Peta Credlin and Alan Jones you can be sure this won’t be the last you hear about society’s unjust persecution of white people just because they said ‘racist’ things.”
Attached to the original statement, the PR team also put out a statement labelled ‘For Future reference/controversies’:
“To the whom it may concern, this is in regards to the recent segment presented by [insert host name here] and [his/her] comments that [insert marginalised group here] are [insert allegation here] and that these actions are ruining Australia. [Host Name] and Sky News now know that those comments were inaccurate and also have been seen by many as offensive, we apologise if we offended anyone during that broadcast. We have spoken to the host and will work to improve in the future however [he/she] will not be fired at this time because we think a chat will be punishment enough despite their history, but again we swear we are committed to change. This sincere statement was of course brought to you by our wonderful sponsors at Ford, Sony Music, Commonwealth Bank and Westpac, they always have our backs no matter what we do!”
According to News Corp polling data, many Australians have taken comfort in these statements by Sky News and believe that there will be positive change. So good news, we can all sleep easier knowing something repulsive like this will never happen on Sky News ever again and that this article won’t be relevant again any time soon.


thechaser--2020-06-29--Unilever writes long ranting post accusing boyfriend of cheating before deleting entire Facebook acc

Unilever writes long ranting post accusing boyfriend of cheating before deleting entire Facebook account

Unilever – owner of brands including Lynx and Streets Ice Cream – has had a public meltdown before deleting its social media accounts .
A post by the official account included allegations against ‘ fake friends ’ , the suggestion that its boyfriend was cheating , and an entreaty to haters to fuck off .
At 3:45am Unilever , which was subject to an aggressive takeover bid from Kraft-Heinz in 2017 , posted : “ so funny how fake ppl reveal themselves on here .
U think u can hide behind your profile pic but I know wot u ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in your face but fuck u ova the 1st chance they get .
Dirty little rats # OnceARatAlwaysARat # cheating # fakefriends ” “ Fuck u Darren !
!
1 !
” continued the London-based entity before adding a string of unrelated emojis .
At 3:59am the conglomerate followed up bemoaning the post ’ s lack of ‘ likes ’ , and by 4:15am the entire account appeared to have been deleted .
Despite turnover of nearly 52 billion euros in 2019 Unilever had previously posted accusing Procter & Gamble of scratching its @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Colgate Palmolive of not admitting it was driving when their car accrued three demerit points .

Unilever – owner of brands including Lynx and Streets Ice Cream – has had a public meltdown before deleting its social media accounts. A post by the official account included allegations against ‘fake friends’, the suggestion that its boyfriend was cheating, and an entreaty to haters to fuck off.
At 3:45am Unilever, which was subject to an aggressive takeover bid from Kraft-Heinz in 2017, posted: “so funny how fake ppl reveal themselves on here. U think u can hide behind your profile pic but I know wot u’ve been doing. Sum ppl smile in your face but fuck u ova the 1st chance they get. Dirty little rats #OnceARatAlwaysARat #cheating #fakefriends”
“Fuck u Darren!!1!” continued the London-based entity before adding a string of unrelated emojis.
At 3:59am the conglomerate followed up bemoaning the post’s lack of ‘likes’, and by 4:15am the entire account appeared to have been deleted. Despite turnover of nearly 52 billion euros in 2019 Unilever had previously posted accusing Procter & Gamble of scratching its DVD copy of The Notebook, and Colgate Palmolive of not admitting it was driving when their car accrued three demerit points.


thechaser--2020-06-29--Coca-Cola to boycott Facebook (but will still check it occasionally using girlfriend’s login)

Coca-Cola has boldly declared it will no longer advertise on Facebook , although it will still check the newsfeed anonymously pretty much every day .
Insiders say , the beverage giant is going to use its girlfriend ’ s login to lurk around , see what people are saying about it and tut disapprovingly at anything it finds irritating .
Friends have reported that Coca-Cola has a big deal about quitting the platform , citing a desire to spend less time worrying about ‘ a curated version of real life ’ and more time living in the moment .
However @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have claimed it will absolutely be gawking at pictures of people it went to school with whenever it possibly can .
The brand ’ s voyeuristic leanings are not unusual .
Some experts report up to 100 % of people who leave Facebook simply replace their time spent on their newsfeed with time spent on someone else ’ s .
Coca-Cola ’ s girlfriend said “ I don ’ t mind him having a look around using my account , as long as he doesn ’ t look at my messages .
That @ @ @ @ @ @

Coca-Cola has boldly declared it will no longer advertise on Facebook, although it will still check the newsfeed anonymously pretty much every day. Insiders say, the beverage giant is going to use its girlfriend’s login to lurk around, see what people are saying about it and tut disapprovingly at anything it finds irritating.
Friends have reported that Coca-Cola has a big deal about quitting the platform, citing a desire to spend less time worrying about ‘a curated version of real life’ and more time living in the moment. However, insiders with knowledge of the situation have claimed it will absolutely be gawking at pictures of people it went to school with whenever it possibly can.
The brand’s voyeuristic leanings are not unusual. Some experts report up to 100% of people who leave Facebook simply replace their time spent on their newsfeed with time spent on someone else’s.
Coca-Cola’s girlfriend said “I don’t mind him having a look around using my account, as long as he doesn’t look at my messages. That’s the rule.”


thechaser--2020-07-01--ABC announces intercontinental ballistic missile program

The ABC has announced that has decided to “ widen its offering ” with a new intercontinental ballistic program .
The cash-strapped broadcaster says it expects a 30-fold increase in its entire annual funding as a result of the decision .
Managing Director David Anderson said his only regret was not pivoting to arms manufacturing earlier .
“ Here we were scratching around for $ 84 million over three years , ” said Mr Anderson , “ when we should have just designed a missile capable of sinking aircraft carriers in the Indo-Pacific .
We ’ ll be making $ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
I ’ ve been such a fool.
” Annabel Crabb will be in charge of the new weapons program , and the recently-redundant ABC ME staff would be offered jobs designing the guidance systems .
Ms Crabb admitted that the only reason she had moved from Fairfax to the ABC all those years ago , was the understanding that ultimately she would be put in charge of a high-grade weapons system .
When asked whether the ABC ME staff had the expertise to create a sophisticated missile , Mr Anderson pointed out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ system , and so it would never be expected to work properly anyway .
“ Let ’ s just say , it ’ ll work about as well as the Joint-Strike Fighters !
” he told journalists .
“ And our missiles will be able to turn properly , unlike the Collins Class submarines .
Pretty sophisticated , huh ?
” Meanwhile , insiders say early prototypes have already run into navigation issues .
“ The missiles seems to always veer to the left for some reason , ” one source told The @ @

The ABC has announced that has decided to “widen its offering” with a new intercontinental ballistic program.
The cash-strapped broadcaster says it expects a 30-fold increase in its entire annual funding as a result of the decision.
Managing Director David Anderson said his only regret was not pivoting to arms manufacturing earlier. “Here we were scratching around for $84 million over three years,” said Mr Anderson, “when we should have just designed a missile capable of sinking aircraft carriers in the Indo-Pacific. We’ll be making $27 billion PER YEAR out of this. I’ve been such a fool.”
Annabel Crabb will be in charge of the new weapons program, and the recently-redundant ABC ME staff would be offered jobs designing the guidance systems.
Ms Crabb admitted that the only reason she had moved from Fairfax to the ABC all those years ago, was the understanding that ultimately she would be put in charge of a high-grade weapons system.
When asked whether the ABC ME staff had the expertise to create a sophisticated missile, Mr Anderson pointed out that this would be an Australian defence system, and so it would never be expected to work properly anyway.
“Let’s just say, it’ll work about as well as the Joint-Strike Fighters!” he told journalists. “And our missiles will be able to turn properly, unlike the Collins Class submarines. Pretty sophisticated, huh?”
Meanwhile, insiders say early prototypes have already run into navigation issues. “The missiles seems to always veer to the left for some reason,” one source told The Chaser.


thechaser--2020-06-30--Good news at last for Victorians after being told they can’t visit Queensland

Victorians originally from Queensland , who managed to escape the Sunshite state , often risking their lives in homemade air balloons and makeshift tunnels before traveling across the wastelands of New South Wales , have breathed a sigh of relief upon discovering they have a valid excuse to ignore pleas from elderly relatives remaining in Brisbane suburbia or the sweltering tropics of the far north .
Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk has said today that when the state reopens it ’ s borders on July 10 Victorians , or anyone who has recently visited Victoria , will not be welcome .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ false declarations at the border .
Nairb Peanut , born a plumber in Brisbane but who escaped the Bjelke-Petersen regime in 1984 in the back of a laundry truck , eventually making a new life as a gender-neutral neo-beat performance poet in the Melbourne suburb of Brunswick , welcomed the announcement .
“ Mum and dad are always hassling me to visit and I have to come up with ever-more outrageous excuses to avoid it .
With my mum ’ s birthday coming up as well as a school reunion this couldn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for me – I honestly am not allowed by law to enter the state , great !
” However , sources say the Victorian Government fears that the fact that the order covers native Queenslanders returning home means that they may receive a rush of cultural refugee claims .
“ I can ’ t go home , and I can ’ t tell you how happy I am , ” said Sharon Streetsweep of Woolloongabba .
“ I ’ ll be filing a cultural refugee claim first thing tomorrow morning , or at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ coffee or two.
” Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has yet to respond to Streetsweep ’ s question , put to his office by The Chaser , as to whether or not decent-espresso-addiction or ability to play a musical instrument will count as grounds for asylum .

Good news at last for Victorians after being told they can’t visit Queensland
Victorians originally from Queensland, who managed to escape the Sunshite state, often risking their lives in homemade air balloons and makeshift tunnels before traveling across the wastelands of New South Wales, have breathed a sigh of relief upon discovering they have a valid excuse to ignore pleas from elderly relatives remaining in Brisbane suburbia or the sweltering tropics of the far north.
Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk has said today that when the state reopens it’s borders on July 10 Victorians, or anyone who has recently visited Victoria, will not be welcome. Fines of $4,000 will apply to false declarations at the border.
Nairb Peanut, born a plumber in Brisbane but who escaped the Bjelke-Petersen regime in 1984 in the back of a laundry truck, eventually making a new life as a gender-neutral neo-beat performance poet in the Melbourne suburb of Brunswick, welcomed the announcement.
“Mum and dad are always hassling me to visit and I have to come up with ever-more outrageous excuses to avoid it. With my mum’s birthday coming up as well as a school reunion this couldn’t have come at a better time for me – I honestly am not allowed by law to enter the state, great!”
However, sources say the Victorian Government fears that the fact that the order covers native Queenslanders returning home means that they may receive a rush of cultural refugee claims.
“I can’t go home, and I can’t tell you how happy I am,” said Sharon Streetsweep of Woolloongabba. “I’ll be filing a cultural refugee claim first thing tomorrow morning, or at least I’ve had a decent coffee or two.”
Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has yet to respond to Streetsweep’s question, put to his office by The Chaser, as to whether or not decent-espresso-addiction or ability to play a musical instrument will count as grounds for asylum.


thechaser--2020-07-02--Balmain Harris Farm shopper always suspected Woolies plebs were diseased

A Balmain resident who prefers to shop ‘ outside the proletariat duopoly ’ has had their suspicions about it confirmed today .
Cynthia Horace-Gordon , who can trace her roots back to the moment the suburb stopped being working class , declared she took no pleasure in hearing of a coronavirus outbreak in Balmain Woolworths before saying she always knew the people who shopped there were riddled with disease .
“ I prefer to do my groceries somewhere a little more salubrious , ” Horace-Gordon said , “ and this is exactly why .
When I heard about an outbreak @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be there or the school that you don ’ t have to pay for.
” Horace-Gordon them made a face and shuddered before applying hand sanitiser from one of those old perfume bottles with a bulb on .
“ It ’ s people from outside the suburb that come in to shop .
That ’ s who it is .
Nobody who lives here would buy milk in a plastic bottle , or chocolate in the shape of something other than a thin rectangle , ” she continued .
“ You just don @ @ @ @ @ @ @ happening at Harris Farm .
”

A Balmain resident who prefers to shop ‘outside the proletariat duopoly’ has had their suspicions about it confirmed today. Cynthia Horace-Gordon, who can trace her roots back to the moment the suburb stopped being working class, declared she took no pleasure in hearing of a coronavirus outbreak in Balmain Woolworths before saying she always knew the people who shopped there were riddled with disease.
“I prefer to do my groceries somewhere a little more salubrious,” Horace-Gordon said, “and this is exactly why. When I heard about an outbreak in Balmain I knew it had to be there or the school that you don’t have to pay for.”
Horace-Gordon them made a face and shuddered before applying hand sanitiser from one of those old perfume bottles with a bulb on.
“It’s people from outside the suburb that come in to shop. That’s who it is. Nobody who lives here would buy milk in a plastic bottle, or chocolate in the shape of something other than a thin rectangle,” she continued.
“You just don’t get this kind of thing happening at Harris Farm.”


thechaser--2020-07-03--Obituary: Ghislaine Maxwell (1961-next week)

Ghislaine Maxwell , 58 , has passed away next week from three self-inflicted gunshots to the head .
The British-American @ @ @ @ @ after being arrested on a number of charges .
The news of her death in @ @ @ @ @ to no one .
Maxwell , who split her time between New York and Little @ @ @ @ @ to prominence after [ REDACTED ] [ REDACTED ] for celebrities , financiers and politicians @ @ @ @ @ her for [ REDACTED ] [ REDACTED ] .
Maxwell shot herself in the head @ @ @ @ @ It is not known how she smuggled a gun into a high security prison , @ @ @ @ @ she spelled her name wrong in the explanatory note .
However , friends described her @ @ @ @ @ ‘ I ’ ve never met her , please speak to my lawyer ’ .
@ @ @ @ @ inexplicably vast fortune and trove of secrets about the world ’ s most powerful people @

Ghislaine Maxwell, 58, has passed away next week from three self-inflicted gunshots to the head. The British-American socialite was remanded in custody after being arrested on a number of charges. The news of her death in custody came as a shock to no one.
Maxwell, who split her time between New York and Little St James Island, came to prominence after [REDACTED] [REDACTED] for celebrities, financiers and politicians who would [REDACTED] her for [REDACTED] [REDACTED].
Maxwell shot herself in the head three times from behind. It is not known how she smuggled a gun into a high security prison, nor is it known why she spelled her name wrong in the explanatory note. However, friends described her as ‘enterprising’ and ‘I’ve never met her, please speak to my lawyer’.
Maxwell is survived by her inexplicably vast fortune and trove of secrets about the world’s most powerful people.


thechaser--2020-07-03--Ghislaine Maxwell placed under strict 23 hour surveillance

Former girlfriend of convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein , and soon-to-be unmonitored inmate , Ghislaine Maxwell has been placed in a high* security prison cell following her arrest earlier today .
The move comes after the FBI kicked in the door of her New Hampshire mansion and finally captured the modern-day Carmen San Diego and taken her into custody , but not before taking her out for a nice three course meal at a local restaurant , after learning she wasn ’ t black .
New Hampshire Correctional , which is currently holding Mrs Maxwell , has pulled out all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ happen to their infamous prisoner before she is transferred to Manhattan and formally charged .
This includes equipping her cell with CCTV 23 hours-a-day , incompetent guards and strictly limiting visitation rights to those in Epstein ’ s notorious black book .
Prison Warden of New Hampshire Correctional Justin Cahoots addressed the media outside his facility to give them reassurances that nothing will go wrong .
“ Don ’ t worry , she ’ s in safe hands and will be taken care of , ” he said with a stern tone while @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of cash .
“ There are many people that need to be protected from her , people with deep pockets !
”

Former girlfriend of convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, and soon-to-be unmonitored inmate, Ghislaine Maxwell has been placed in a high* security prison cell following her arrest earlier today. The move comes after the FBI kicked in the door of her New Hampshire mansion and finally captured the modern-day Carmen San Diego and taken her into custody, but not before taking her out for a nice three course meal at a local restaurant, after learning she wasn’t black.
New Hampshire Correctional, which is currently holding Mrs Maxwell, has pulled out all the stops to ensure almost nothing can happen to their infamous prisoner before she is transferred to Manhattan and formally charged. This includes equipping her cell with CCTV 23 hours-a-day, incompetent guards and strictly limiting visitation rights to those in Epstein’s notorious black book.
Prison Warden of New Hampshire Correctional Justin Cahoots addressed the media outside his facility to give them reassurances that nothing will go wrong. “Don’t worry, she’s in safe hands and will be taken care of,” he said with a stern tone while winking and being handed a large bag of cash. “There are many people that need to be protected from her, people with deep pockets!”


thechaser--2020-07-03--Royal Family says sorry to Meghan Markle, offers free driving-tour of Paris

Actress , humanitarian and modern day ‘ People ’ s Princess ’ Meghan Markle has this week spoken out against the Royal Family , stating she felt “ abandoned ” by them after being told to keep quiet in the face of consistent attacks by the media .
In response the Buckingham Palace has issued a formal apology today , with the offer of a free driving-tour of Paris in a bid to “ bury any and all the issues with her.
” “ We really hope she takes us up on the offer , ” said a representative for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an amazing thing for the future of our family .
Also , a fantastic opportunity for the paparazzi to do what they do ‘ best ’ .
We understand that we should have done a lot more to protect her from the racist public scrutiny , even if we only had done half as much to protect her as we have Prince Andrew , we wouldn ’ t even need a drive through Paris .
“ Why drive through busy Paris instead of the famously relaxing French countryside ?
Umm… as a celebrity @ @ @ @ @ @ @ want her to continue going as fast as possible through the busy streets and tunnels of Paris .
Also , there is way more paparazzi in Paris and if anything , we think the media needs an opportunity to say sorry to her too .
If they can find a way to catch up with her that is .
”

Actress, humanitarian and modern day ‘People’s Princess’ Meghan Markle has this week spoken out against the Royal Family, stating she felt “abandoned” by them after being told to keep quiet in the face of consistent attacks by the media. In response the Buckingham Palace has issued a formal apology today, with the offer of a free driving-tour of Paris in a bid to “bury any and all the issues with her.”
“We really hope she takes us up on the offer,” said a representative for the family, “it would be an amazing thing for the future of our family. Also, a fantastic opportunity for the paparazzi to do what they do ‘best’. We understand that we should have done a lot more to protect her from the racist public scrutiny, even if we only had done half as much to protect her as we have Prince Andrew, we wouldn’t even need a drive through Paris.
“Why drive through busy Paris instead of the famously relaxing French countryside? Umm… as a celebrity she lives a fast-paced lifestyle and we want her to continue going as fast as possible through the busy streets and tunnels of Paris. Also, there is way more paparazzi in Paris and if anything, we think the media needs an opportunity to say sorry to her too. If they can find a way to catch up with her that is.”


thechaser--2020-07-03--The Chaser Report – Episode 12 – The Melbourne International Covidy Festival

The Chaser Report – Episode 12 – The Melbourne International Covidy Festival
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Mark McGowan announced as new host of Sunrise
Kochie leaves Sunrise to focus on his passion for selling crypto on Facebook
AFP hires PwC to investigate PwC scandal


thechaser--2020-07-05--John Howard releases glowing character reference for Ghislaine Maxwell

Former Prime Ministers John Howard and Tony Abbott have today both released glowing character references for Jeffrey Epstein ’ s long-time accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell .
Ms. Maxwell , who has been in hiding since Epstein ’ s assisted suicide in late 2019 , was arrested two days ago and will spend the final week of her life in police custody .
In his written reference , Howard described Maxwell as a “ lively conversationalist ” , noting her “ deep and objective interest ” in US politics and the British monarchy , and her tireless work creating jobs for poor @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The reference , which Howard typed up in a manic stream of consciousness minutes after learning another sexual predator was going undefended , also went into detail on Maxwell ’ s “ high intelligence ” , “ exemplary character ” , and lack of “ hypocrisy and cant ” – all airtight defences for child rape according to legal experts .
Abbott chose to give a verbal statement instead , saying Maxwell ’ s arrest was “ devastating for all who believe in the super-rich of Palm Beach.
” Abbott said he plans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ partly to provide moral support and partly to stand guard against the numerous contract killers who have also scheduled visits for the next few days .
Alleged journalist Andrew Bolt is reported to already be penning a furious op-ed declaring Maxwell ’ s innocence , which is expected to go unread due to most of Bolt ’ s audience having died of Coronavirus earlier this year .

Former Prime Ministers John Howard and Tony Abbott have today both released glowing character references for Jeffrey Epstein’s long-time accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell. Ms. Maxwell, who has been in hiding since Epstein’s assisted suicide in late 2019, was arrested two days ago and will spend the final week of her life in police custody.
In his written reference, Howard described Maxwell as a “lively conversationalist”, noting her “deep and objective interest” in US politics and the British monarchy, and her tireless work creating jobs for poor teenagers in Florida and the Caribbean. The reference, which Howard typed up in a manic stream of consciousness minutes after learning another sexual predator was going undefended, also went into detail on Maxwell’s “high intelligence”, “exemplary character”, and lack of “hypocrisy and cant” – all airtight defences for child rape according to legal experts.
Abbott chose to give a verbal statement instead, saying Maxwell’s arrest was “devastating for all who believe in the super-rich of Palm Beach.” Abbott said he plans to visit Ms. Maxwell in prison, partly to provide moral support and partly to stand guard against the numerous contract killers who have also scheduled visits for the next few days.
Alleged journalist Andrew Bolt is reported to already be penning a furious op-ed declaring Maxwell’s innocence, which is expected to go unread due to most of Bolt’s audience having died of Coronavirus earlier this year.


thechaser--2020-07-05--China to simply buy up Australia’s missiles if we ever make one that works

China has confirmed that , in the event of Australia getting an effective missile system , they will simply make an offer for it .
The news comes after the Defence Strategic Update confirmed spending of $ 270 billion – or roughly two beers at a pub nowadays – on munitions and equipment .
Scott Morrison justified the purchase by warning of increased tensions in Asia – a statement that , combined with an enormous purchase of guns , is sure to have everyone feeling less tense .
A spokesperson for the Chinese government said : “ If Australia has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ want them to have , we will buy it .
Then we will have one new missile system and you will have none .
It ’ s as simple as that.
” Morrison refused to rule out selling them to China “ for the right price.
” He said , “ China is our biggest economic partner and also when you sell something you get money for it .
“ With that money we can buy more missiles , and if we make a loss we can pay less tax next year .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
”

China to simply buy up Australia’s missiles if we ever make one that works
China has confirmed that, in the event of Australia getting an effective missile system, they will simply make an offer for it. The news comes after the Defence Strategic Update confirmed spending of $270 billion – or roughly two beers at a pub nowadays – on munitions and equipment.
Scott Morrison justified the purchase by warning of increased tensions in Asia – a statement that, combined with an enormous purchase of guns, is sure to have everyone feeling less tense.
A spokesperson for the Chinese government said: “If Australia has a missile system we don’t want them to have, we will buy it. Then we will have one new missile system and you will have none. It’s as simple as that.”
Morrison refused to rule out selling them to China “for the right price.” He said, “China is our biggest economic partner and also when you sell something you get money for it.
“With that money we can buy more missiles, and if we make a loss we can pay less tax next year. That’s just good economic policy.”


thechaser--2020-07-06--Pauline Hanson launches new line of face masks to combat COVID

Pathological liar and racist statue who wished to be a real girl , Pauline Hanson has used her swan song performance on the Today show to do what she does best , spouting racist opinions on things that she is not an expert on .
This week ’ s controversial appearance involved her opinions on Coronavirus and how we should all mitigate the spreading by wearing white hoods over our heads like all of her personal heroes have done for decades .
“ This virus is scary and needs to be stopped once and for all , ” ranted Hanson @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t care about the science stuff , I am just scared cause I heard it came from Asia .
Plus , it seems to do the most damage to the elderly , but without them who can One Nation scare into voting ?
I hear doctors talk about face-masks but this is Aussie breakfast tv , no-one wants to hear from boring ‘ experts ’ that ‘ are educated in the issue and know what they are talking about ’ .
” “ I was looking in my closet and realised maybe covering @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a bad idea after all .
Finally , a chance to wear my finest of white-hoods , I call for all my supporters to wear them .
Also , you don ’ t need to worry about the people wearing them being a danger to society , I mean it ’ s not like a burqa .
I reckon those things are a sign of dangerous people , hiding their face for nefarious reasons who have no place in modern Australia.
” Pauline then went on to spew out her thoughts on border @ @ @ @ @ @ @ We need to open the borders , Queensland must accept everyone .
But also , we need to shut the borders from people not from here .
But also , how can these people shut us off from other people who can make our society better by bringing their diverse histories .
But also , I am sick of all this diversity these days .
But also , we need the other people to move here to spend and make money , but also I am sick of outsiders coming here buying our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ response to the appearance , the Today show fired her claiming they “ didn ’ t expect racism ” and continued to share the clip in order to brag about punishing her for once .
However , they did eventually stop after the producers did cartridge damage to their wrists after patting themselves on the back too much for their ‘ heroic ’ call to no longer pay someone to spew racism on their platform constantly .
Samantha Armitage did praise the move as this means Pauline will have more time to chat @ @ @ @ @

Pathological liar and racist statue who wished to be a real girl, Pauline Hanson has used her swan song performance on the Today show to do what she does best, spouting racist opinions on things that she is not an expert on. This week’s controversial appearance involved her opinions on Coronavirus and how we should all mitigate the spreading by wearing white hoods over our heads like all of her personal heroes have done for decades.
“This virus is scary and needs to be stopped once and for all,” ranted Hanson, “I mean I don’t care about the science stuff, I am just scared cause I heard it came from Asia. Plus, it seems to do the most damage to the elderly, but without them who can One Nation scare into voting? I hear doctors talk about face-masks but this is Aussie breakfast tv, no-one wants to hear from boring ‘experts’ that ‘are educated in the issue and know what they are talking about’.”
“I was looking in my closet and realised maybe covering our face in public isn’t a bad idea after all. Finally, a chance to wear my finest of white-hoods, I call for all my supporters to wear them. Also, you don’t need to worry about the people wearing them being a danger to society, I mean it’s not like a burqa. I reckon those things are a sign of dangerous people, hiding their face for nefarious reasons who have no place in modern Australia.”
Pauline then went on to spew out her thoughts on border shut downs to minimise spread, “We need to open the borders, Queensland must accept everyone. But also, we need to shut the borders from people not from here. But also, how can these people shut us off from other people who can make our society better by bringing their diverse histories. But also, I am sick of all this diversity these days. But also, we need the other people to move here to spend and make money, but also I am sick of outsiders coming here buying our food and stealing our jobs…”
In response to the appearance, the Today show fired her claiming they “didn’t expect racism” and continued to share the clip in order to brag about punishing her for once. However, they did eventually stop after the producers did cartridge damage to their wrists after patting themselves on the back too much for their ‘heroic’ call to no longer pay someone to spew racism on their platform constantly. Samantha Armitage did praise the move as this means Pauline will have more time to chat with her on Sunrise.


thechaser--2020-07-06--Channel Nine shocked to learn nation’s most prominent white supremacist might be a bit racist

The Channel 9 Network has today announced that they will no longer be inviting One Nation senator Pauline Hanson to regularly broadcast her opinions to millions , after learning that the nation ’ s most famous white supremacist is a bit racist .
“ Unfortunately there is no way we could have seen this coming , ” explained the head of programming at Nine .
“ When we invited a woman who has built her entire career around the single issue of race baiting onto our show , we assumed that she would be providing light hearted breakfast TV commentary @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a second imagined that this racist politician might use this platform to make racist political statements .
We are all shocked and disappointed in this completely unforseeable development.
” The hosts of the show agree , stating that this outburst was entirely out of character for the woman who was sacked by the Liberal party in 1996 for being too racist , and who has consistently and publicly vilified migrants , aboriginals , and ethnic minorities at every given opportunity since .
“ Gosh , I always thought she was a lovely woman @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bad thing about her , ” exclaimed Today host Karl Stefanovic .
“ Could it be that I and my colleagues in the Australian media exist in a bubble in which white people who are unaffected by Ms Hanson ’ s words almost exclusively dominate the roles both on and off screen , despite almost 30 % of Australia ’ s population not being white , and this has skewed our understanding of the world so badly that we don ’ t even see an issue with promoting the views of a hoodless @ @ @ @ @ @ @ viewers ?
No that would be stupid , anyway here ’ s Richard Spencer with a weather update .
”

The Channel 9 Network has today announced that they will no longer be inviting One Nation senator Pauline Hanson to regularly broadcast her opinions to millions, after learning that the nation’s most famous white supremacist is a bit racist.
“Unfortunately there is no way we could have seen this coming,” explained the head of programming at Nine. “When we invited a woman who has built her entire career around the single issue of race baiting onto our show, we assumed that she would be providing light hearted breakfast TV commentary about news events. We never for a second imagined that this racist politician might use this platform to make racist political statements. We are all shocked and disappointed in this completely unforseeable development.”
The hosts of the show agree, stating that this outburst was entirely out of character for the woman who was sacked by the Liberal party in 1996 for being too racist, and who has consistently and publicly vilified migrants, aboriginals, and ethnic minorities at every given opportunity since. “Gosh, I always thought she was a lovely woman, never heard anyone say a single bad thing about her,” exclaimed Today host Karl Stefanovic. “Could it be that I and my colleagues in the Australian media exist in a bubble in which white people who are unaffected by Ms Hanson’s words almost exclusively dominate the roles both on and off screen, despite almost 30% of Australia’s population not being white, and this has skewed our understanding of the world so badly that we don’t even see an issue with promoting the views of a hoodless Klan member to our unquestioning fans and viewers? No that would be stupid, anyway here’s Richard Spencer with a weather update.”


thechaser--2020-07-07--Contractors guarding Melbourne quarantine hotels organise huge party to say sorry for second wave

Private contractors guarding Melbourne quarantine hotels have organised a huge party to apologise for causing a second wave of the virus in Victoria .
They say the party will celebrate the 1 millionth person tested for Covid in the state .
The guards , who have recently come under scrutiny for their part in spreading the virus , said they hoped the huge party would make up for their shortcomings .
‘ Look , this second wave of COVID-19 and lockdown is pretty much our fault , ’ the intern/CEO of the very recently created security company commented , ‘ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ make everyone happy again .
We heard Victoria is nearing the 1,000,000th person tested for COVID-19 and wanted to act.
’ The large party , not yet officially endorsed by Premier Daniel Andrews , would reportedly have a giant cake with 1,000,000 candles that would need to be blown out by the lucky winner before being shared with the other security , medical staff and anyone waiting to be tested .
‘ Apart from sleeping with COVID-19 quarantined hotel guests , it ’ s just another way of our security company sharing the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ **Update** Vicrorian Premier Daniel Andrews has since cancelled the party and shuffled the private contractors to guard the little used Victorian/South Australian border , on the thinking that no Victorian would ever want to go to South Australia , lockdown or not .

Private contractors guarding Melbourne quarantine hotels have organised a huge party to apologise for causing a second wave of the virus in Victoria. They say the party will celebrate the 1 millionth person tested for Covid in the state.
The guards, who have recently come under scrutiny for their part in spreading the virus, said they hoped the huge party would make up for their shortcomings. ‘Look, this second wave of COVID-19 and lockdown is pretty much our fault,’ the intern/CEO of the very recently created security company commented, ‘So we have to do something to make everyone happy again. We heard Victoria is nearing the 1,000,000th person tested for COVID-19 and wanted to act.’
The large party, not yet officially endorsed by Premier Daniel Andrews, would reportedly have a giant cake with 1,000,000 candles that would need to be blown out by the lucky winner before being shared with the other security, medical staff and anyone waiting to be tested. ‘Apart from sleeping with COVID-19 quarantined hotel guests, it’s just another way of our security company sharing the love with the potentially infected public!’
**Update** Vicrorian Premier Daniel Andrews has since cancelled the party and shuffled the private contractors to guard the little used Victorian/South Australian border, on the thinking that no Victorian would ever want to go to South Australia, lockdown or not.


thechaser--2020-07-08--Prince Andrew devastated to discover he bought airline

Prince Andrew is inconsolable after finding out he purchased the ailing Virgin Australia airlines by mistake .
The disgraced royal @ @ @ @ @ thought he was bidding on .
Appearing to make light of the situation , the @ @ @ @ @ ve all been on eBay , or the encrypted website of a middle eastern businessman @ @ @ @ @ sherries and woken up having bought something by mistake .
That ’ s all that @ @ @ @ @ should have read past the first word.
” Sources say Andrew has no need for @ @ @ @ @ hoping to receive a plane in the will of a recently-deceased friend .

Prince Andrew is inconsolable after finding out he purchased the ailing Virgin Australia airlines by mistake. The disgraced royal has not confirmed what he thought he was bidding on.
Appearing to make light of the situation, the Duke said “We’ve all been on eBay, or the encrypted website of a middle eastern businessman, after a couple of sherries and woken up having bought something by mistake. That’s all that happened. I guess I should have read past the first word.”
Sources say Andrew has no need for the airline as he is hoping to receive a plane in the will of a recently-deceased friend.


thechaser--2020-07-09--‘We all need to check our privilege’ says actual prince

Prince Harry Mountbatten-Windsor , Duke of Sussex , KCVO ADC , has urged the public to be aware of their privilege .
The pale , ginger unemployed man , who is married to Meghan Markle , said it with a completely straight face .
Speaking with his wife at his side , the Queen ’ s grandson asked the audience to think about how they have benefitted from things they have not earned .
He referred to his own situation , describing how he moved from a royal residence he did not pay for to a non-royal residence he did @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can do it , you can too , ” said the former soldier who , after a brief military career , is worth an estimated £30 million .
“ For some of us it might be as simple as giving one of our butler positions to someone from a lower social class than usual .
For others , perhaps a position on the board of some charity or other.
” “ The important thing is to recognise that we are all privileged in some way , and then to do something about it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s lifestyle in the slightest .
”

Prince Harry Mountbatten-Windsor, Duke of Sussex, KCVO ADC, has urged the public to be aware of their privilege. The pale, ginger unemployed man, who is married to Meghan Markle, said it with a completely straight face.
Speaking with his wife at his side, the Queen’s grandson asked the audience to think about how they have benefitted from things they have not earned. He referred to his own situation, describing how he moved from a royal residence he did not pay for to a non-royal residence he did not pay for.
“If I can do it, you can too,” said the former soldier who, after a brief military career, is worth an estimated £30 million. “For some of us it might be as simple as giving one of our butler positions to someone from a lower social class than usual. For others, perhaps a position on the board of some charity or other.”
“The important thing is to recognise that we are all privileged in some way, and then to do something about it that does not materially affect one’s lifestyle in the slightest.”


thechaser--2020-07-09--NSW reports outbreak of 7.5 million cases of ‘being a smug bastard’

New South Wales has suffered a severe outbreak of self-regard , with over 7.5 million people diagnosed as ‘ being a smug bastard ’ overnight .
The figures show an exponential growth in the condition since Victoria was placed on lockdown .
Most worryingly , none appear to be imported cases meaning the epidemic is entirely homegrown .
Symptoms include believing that Melburnians are more prone to a virus that is now in 213 countries , and using the phrase ‘ I just feel so sorry for them.
’ Scientists said they were working on a vaccine , but that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ given the severity of the condition .
They then mentioned how great the weather was in Sydney compared to Melbourne in a sign that they too had been affected by the outbreak .
Chief Health Officer Dr Kerry Chant released the figures at a press conference this morning .
Dr Chant denied being affected herself .
However , after following the phrase “ Melbourne is back under lockdown conditions ” with a unempathetic grin and a slight shake of the head she was removed from the podium and bundled into a waiting car @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shut their borders to NSW to stop the spread of smugness .
However , there is Queensland is on high alert after one Gold Coast resident was heard boasting that Queenslanders are far too down-to-earth to gloat about it .
Experts say the outbreak is likely to last until about mid-next week , when NSW itself gets a second wave .

New South Wales has suffered a severe outbreak of self-regard, with over 7.5 million people diagnosed as ‘being a smug bastard’ overnight. The figures show an exponential growth in the condition since Victoria was placed on lockdown. Most worryingly, none appear to be imported cases meaning the epidemic is entirely homegrown.
Symptoms include believing that Melburnians are more prone to a virus that is now in 213 countries, and using the phrase ‘I just feel so sorry for them.’
Scientists said they were working on a vaccine, but that it was probably “years away” given the severity of the condition. They then mentioned how great the weather was in Sydney compared to Melbourne in a sign that they too had been affected by the outbreak.
Chief Health Officer Dr Kerry Chant released the figures at a press conference this morning. Dr Chant denied being affected herself. However, after following the phrase “Melbourne is back under lockdown conditions” with a unempathetic grin and a slight shake of the head she was removed from the podium and bundled into a waiting car.
Queensland and South Australia have now shut their borders to NSW to stop the spread of smugness. However, there is Queensland is on high alert after one Gold Coast resident was heard boasting that Queenslanders are far too down-to-earth to gloat about it.
Experts say the outbreak is likely to last until about mid-next week, when NSW itself gets a second wave.


thechaser--2020-07-09--Travellers from Victoria screened to make sure they can shut the fuck up about ‘laneways’ for five m

Victorian arrivals at airports across Australia will be subjected to extra testing from today to make sure they can shut their fucking mouths about laneways , whatever they are .
Travellers will also have to describe their capital city without mentioning coffee , urban artwork , or any of the other normal shit that all cities have now .
One arrival from Tullamarine described the checks as “ a human rights issue.
” Toyah Biscuits , a 34-year-old Barista from Collingwood , said “ If I can ’ t talk about the culturally unique aspects of my city – like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and beer – then my whole identity means nothing .
“ The experience was humiliating , ” Biscuits continued .
“ This philistine – who has probably never had a proper ristretto in his life – made me describe what was so great about Melbourne without mentioning Federation Square or the Yarra .
“ Then he said that if I said the word ‘ scene ’ one more time he would put me back on the fucking plane himself.
” The belief that laneways are somehow interesting and significant was rocked earlier @ @ @ @ @ @ @ caught on a hot mic admitting “ [ they are ] just a normal road but full of graffiti and wankers .
”

Travellers from Victoria screened to make sure they can shut the fuck up about ‘laneways’ for five minutes
Victorian arrivals at airports across Australia will be subjected to extra testing from today to make sure they can shut their fucking mouths about laneways, whatever they are. Travellers will also have to describe their capital city without mentioning coffee, urban artwork, or any of the other normal shit that all cities have now.
One arrival from Tullamarine described the checks as “a human rights issue.” Toyah Biscuits, a 34-year-old Barista from Collingwood, said “If I can’t talk about the culturally unique aspects of my city – like sport, and restaurants, and shops, and beer – then my whole identity means nothing.
“The experience was humiliating,” Biscuits continued. “This philistine – who has probably never had a proper ristretto in his life – made me describe what was so great about Melbourne without mentioning Federation Square or the Yarra.
“Then he said that if I said the word ‘scene’ one more time he would put me back on the fucking plane himself.”
The belief that laneways are somehow interesting and significant was rocked earlier this year when Premier Dan Andrews was caught on a hot mic admitting “[they are] just a normal road but full of graffiti and wankers.”


thechaser--2020-07-09--The Chaser Report – Ep 13 – Yes We Kanye!

The Chaser Report – Ep 13 – Yes We Kanye!
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Ben Roberts-Smith cheers self up following court loss by kicking a farmer off a cliff
Mark McGowan announced as new host of Sunrise
Kochie leaves Sunrise to focus on his passion for selling crypto on Facebook
AFP hires PwC to investigate PwC scandal


thechaser--2020-07-11--New app connects people in quarantine with sexy security guards in your area

Press Release : Savvy app developers know it ’ s hard in isolation to make new connections .
In fact it ’ s literally against the law .
But why let a pandemic get in the way for your quest for true love ?
Introducing Bouncer , the new dating app for those looking to fuck an entire state .
Utilising cutting edge technology , the app is able to search the phones of every security guard within a 100m radius of your hotel , motel , or hospital bed .
Then all you have to do is give the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and , boom , the love bug* comes calling .
And while it might seem like this app has limited appeal , the great thing is before long everyone will be on it .
Remember , it only takes one person in quarantine doing the wrong thing to put everyone back into lockdown , where your dating options for an unauthorised dalliance will skyrocket almost infinitely .
So get in quick !
Because life is short , and increasingly shorter the more people use our app .
*The Love Bug may or may @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Press Release: Savvy app developers know it’s hard in isolation to make new connections. In fact it’s literally against the law. But why let a pandemic get in the way for your quest for true love?
Introducing Bouncer, the new dating app for those looking to fuck an entire state. Utilising cutting edge technology, the app is able to search the phones of every security guard within a 100m radius of your hotel, motel, or hospital bed. Then all you have to do is give the guard directions on how to reach you and, boom, the love bug* comes calling.
And while it might seem like this app has limited appeal, the great thing is before long everyone will be on it. Remember, it only takes one person in quarantine doing the wrong thing to put everyone back into lockdown, where your dating options for an unauthorised dalliance will skyrocket almost infinitely.
So get in quick! Because life is short, and increasingly shorter the more people use our app.
*The Love Bug may or may not refer to a highly contagious coronavirus


thechaser--2020-07-12--Is Victoria bitter? ‘No it’s Tooheys New,’ says PM

Scott Morrison has played down concerns he shouldn ’ t be boozing it up in the midst of a crisis saying he wanted to spend time with his daughter by going to the footy and getting drunk with his mates while leaving her at home .
“ The problem is .
There is literally no other way to keep up to date with the footy , ” Mr Morrison told reporters .
“ I ’ m not aware of any modern forms of communication that exist that would allow me to see this game of football , let alone discover @ @ @ @ @ @ @ played.
” Insiders say the appearance at the Shark ’ s game was part of an intentional strategy to rebrand Scott Morrison .
“ The Prime Minister was sick of being called Scotty from Marketing , and he wanted to rebrand himself as Scotty the Lazy Dickhead .
It aligns more with his values.
” An angry Mr Morrison said it was his right to flaunt his ability to go to the footy while Melbourne was in lockdown .
“ Are you wanting me to somehow empathise with people in Melbourne by have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the footy at home and eating in ?
” “ Why don ’ t Victorians try to empathise with me for once ?
Do you know what it ’ s like to earn $ 500k a year and not be allowed to spend it on some fresh ones in a private box at the footy ?
Perhaps Victorians need to put themselves in my shoes.
” Mr Morrison said he ’ d tried staying at home but it didn ’ t work for him .
“ There ’ s only so many times @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one curry dish I make before they threaten to replace me with Peter Dutton .
Which is pretty brutal.
” Mr Morrison said there was only so much he could do as Prime Minister during a pandemic .
“ If people want to criticise , perhaps they take aim at the body that is actually responsible for running Australia : the Minerals Council of Australia .

Scott Morrison has played down concerns he shouldn’t be boozing it up in the midst of a crisis saying he wanted to spend time with his daughter by going to the footy and getting drunk with his mates while leaving her at home.
“The problem is. There is literally no other way to keep up to date with the footy,” Mr Morrison told reporters. “I’m not aware of any modern forms of communication that exist that would allow me to see this game of football, let alone discover the score after the game has been played.”
Insiders say the appearance at the Shark’s game was part of an intentional strategy to rebrand Scott Morrison. “The Prime Minister was sick of being called Scotty from Marketing, and he wanted to rebrand himself as Scotty the Lazy Dickhead. It aligns more with his values.”
An angry Mr Morrison said it was his right to flaunt his ability to go to the footy while Melbourne was in lockdown. “Are you wanting me to somehow empathise with people in Melbourne by have a low key week off, watching the footy at home and eating in?”
“Why don’t Victorians try to empathise with me for once? Do you know what it’s like to earn $500k a year and not be allowed to spend it on some fresh ones in a private box at the footy? Perhaps Victorians need to put themselves in my shoes.”
Mr Morrison said he’d tried staying at home but it didn’t work for him. “There’s only so many times my family can put up with that one curry dish I make before they threaten to replace me with Peter Dutton. Which is pretty brutal.”
Mr Morrison said there was only so much he could do as Prime Minister during a pandemic. “If people want to criticise, perhaps they take aim at the body that is actually responsible for running Australia: the Minerals Council of Australia.


thechaser--2020-07-13--“Masks make it hard to breathe!” whinges man who’ll soon need a machine to breathe for him

Local freedom campaigner and part time contrarian idiot John Conservative has this week denounced “ the rising tide of fascisim ” after being politely asked to wear a mask in a supermarket so he doesn ’ t kill people .
“ What has the world come to where a person can ’ t go outside and launch an invisible biological attack on every person who he comes in contact with ?
” asked John angrily .
“ Why this is basically communist Russia , I am yet to see a single scrap of evidence that facemasks do anything other than @ @ @ @ @ @ @ particles , thereby reducing the risk to others around me .
And that ’ s hardly a reason for people to be deprived of seeing my beautiful face.
” Asked what exactly he had against the facemasks , John explained that they are a little bit uncomfortable and they make it hard for him to breathe .
“ It feels like I ’ m suffocating , ” explained John , which is also incidentally exactly what he will tell doctors in two months time when he is admitted to hospital and has to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lungs have failed .
“ Who could have forseen this , ” future John will exclaim .
“ If only people had done something to stop this virus .
Now could someone get me some opiates , this tube in my fluid filled lungs is a bit uncomfortable .
”

Local freedom campaigner and part time contrarian idiot John Conservative has this week denounced “the rising tide of fascisim” after being politely asked to wear a mask in a supermarket so he doesn’t kill people.
“What has the world come to where a person can’t go outside and launch an invisible biological attack on every person who he comes in contact with?” asked John angrily. “Why this is basically communist Russia, I am yet to see a single scrap of evidence that facemasks do anything other than significantly reduce the incidence of airborn viral particles, thereby reducing the risk to others around me. And that’s hardly a reason for people to be deprived of seeing my beautiful face.”
Asked what exactly he had against the facemasks, John explained that they are a little bit uncomfortable and they make it hard for him to breathe. “It feels like I’m suffocating,” explained John, which is also incidentally exactly what he will tell doctors in two months time when he is admitted to hospital and has to be put on a machine because his lungs have failed.
“Who could have forseen this,” future John will exclaim. “If only people had done something to stop this virus. Now could someone get me some opiates, this tube in my fluid filled lungs is a bit uncomfortable.”


thechaser--2020-07-13--Barnaby Joyce announces career change to become a Melbourne security guard

Disgraced politician and world ’ s lamest cowboy Barnaby Joyce has today announced plans for a new career path as a Melbourne security guard .
The controversial and often outspoken family man , turned different family man , reportedly made the decision while looking into the recent surges in coronavirus cases around Australia connected to Melbourne residents .
“ I have decided to follow my passions , ” said the career politician , “ and if that means I now need to become a security guard , so be it .
By ‘ passion ’ I of course mean protecting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ready to get down and dirty with , sorry for , my clients in any way I have to .
I just really want to find a girl under my protection and give her some good se…curitying.
” “ I think a job like security guard would be perfect for me , ” he continued now with his trademark creepy smirk .
“ I would be amazing at it .
It might shock some of you since security guards are generally known for being pricks who are constantly on power trips but never @ @ @ @ @ @ @ jobs when you need them , but I myself was actually a nightclub bouncer before being a politician .
I know it ’ s shocking right ?
Anyway , trust me I know how to get in the way of people getting into somewhere .
Just look at my history as a politician , I don ’ t care if they were a refugee in need , or Johnny Depp ’ s dogs , I fought hard to keep them out .
So , if I hear that anyone , sorry I mean @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the ladies as a creepy sex pest I will immediately remove them .
I don ’ t want any competition.
” Barnaby Joyce reportedly also has meetings planned with executives at Virgin about their future , however some experts are sceptical if he knows that Virgin is the name of an airline after he posted on Facebook , “ I am happy to help out any and all Virgins in the future learn a thing or two .
Even if it is an entire company full of them , it will be tiring @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can with these women .
”

Disgraced politician and world’s lamest cowboy Barnaby Joyce has today announced plans for a new career path as a Melbourne security guard. The controversial and often outspoken family man, turned different family man, reportedly made the decision while looking into the recent surges in coronavirus cases around Australia connected to Melbourne residents.
“I have decided to follow my passions,” said the career politician, “and if that means I now need to become a security guard, so be it. By ‘passion’ I of course mean protecting Australians… no other reason. I am ready to get down and dirty with, sorry for, my clients in any way I have to. I just really want to find a girl under my protection and give her some good se…curitying.”
“I think a job like security guard would be perfect for me,” he continued now with his trademark creepy smirk. “I would be amazing at it. It might shock some of you since security guards are generally known for being pricks who are constantly on power trips but never seem to actually be around doing their jobs when you need them, but I myself was actually a nightclub bouncer before being a politician. I know it’s shocking right? Anyway, trust me I know how to get in the way of people getting into somewhere. Just look at my history as a politician, I don’t care if they were a refugee in need, or Johnny Depp’s dogs, I fought hard to keep them out. So, if I hear that anyone, sorry I mean anyone else, has been described by the ladies as a creepy sex pest I will immediately remove them. I don’t want any competition.”
Barnaby Joyce reportedly also has meetings planned with executives at Virgin about their future, however some experts are sceptical if he knows that Virgin is the name of an airline after he posted on Facebook, “I am happy to help out any and all Virgins in the future learn a thing or two. Even if it is an entire company full of them, it will be tiring work but I will do anything I can with these women.”


thechaser--2020-07-14--Australia Post finally delivers palace letters after 45 years

In a delivery time slow even by Australia Post ’ s standards , handwritten letters about the knifing of a former Labor Prime Minister reached Australia ’ s shores today , just in time for the release of Julia Gillard ’ s autobiography .
The 1975 “ Palace Letters ” between Buckingham Palace and former Governor-General John Kerr ( nicknamed “ Wayne ” by ALP members ) discuss the dismissal of Prime Minister Gough Whitlam .
The papers weren ’ t expected to arrive until the High Court ordered Australia Post to “ hurry the f**k up ” .
Australia @ @ @ @ @ @ @ If the Queen wanted the letters to arrive swiftly , she should have paid extra for Express Post .
Nobody gets special treatment , even if they ’ re a royal with their face on every one of our postage stamps .
Unless they ’ re named Ahmed Fahour , then we give them $ 11 million no questions asked.
” In the letters , the Queen raised concern that Prince Charles had been bugging her to just abdicate so he can become King already .
The Queen ’ s role in Gough @ @ @ @ @ @ @ harden the push for Australia to become a republic , to mirror the admirable stability of the United States under Donald Trump .
Asylum seekers on Manus Island are optimistic their application letters will also reach Australia within 45 years .

In a delivery time slow even by Australia Post’s standards, handwritten letters about the knifing of a former Labor Prime Minister reached Australia’s shores today, just in time for the release of Julia Gillard’s autobiography.
The 1975 “Palace Letters” between Buckingham Palace and former Governor-General John Kerr (nicknamed “Wayne” by ALP members) discuss the dismissal of Prime Minister Gough Whitlam. The papers weren’t expected to arrive until the High Court ordered Australia Post to “hurry the f**k up”.
Australia Post declared in a statement: “If the Queen wanted the letters to arrive swiftly, she should have paid extra for Express Post. Nobody gets special treatment, even if they’re a royal with their face on every one of our postage stamps. Unless they’re named Ahmed Fahour, then we give them $11 million no questions asked.”
In the letters, the Queen raised concern that Prince Charles had been bugging her to just abdicate so he can become King already.
The Queen’s role in Gough Whitlam’s dismissal is likely to harden the push for Australia to become a republic, to mirror the admirable stability of the United States under Donald Trump.
Asylum seekers on Manus Island are optimistic their application letters will also reach Australia within 45 years.


thechaser--2020-07-15--Indigenous group apologise after accidentally blowing up Rio Tinto’s headquarters

The Pinikura Aboriginal Corporation have today apologised to the traditional owners of the Rio Tinto headquarters located in urban-Australia after learning that the site held special importance to the group who hold claim over the land .
“ We apologize to the traditional owners of the site , ” explained a representative for the indigenous group , “ and we hope that we can work together in the future to ensure that other mining-related artifacts aren ’ t destroyed without consultation with the corporation ’ s elders.
” However , critics have pointed out that Rio Tinto was simply getting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the P.A.C .
acting well within their rights to explore for minerals underneath the skyscraper .
“ We can ’ t seriously expect to just waste such precious resources because of some group that superstitiously believes that some rocks are valuable and are a source of power , ” explained one Aboriginal expert with a degree in White Studies .
“ The reality is that at the end of the day , if we lost a few accounting books tracing the history of the company , that ’ s a small price to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will be doing to make amends , the Aboriginal group said it all happened in the past , so instead of any meaningful action they will simply put up a plaque explaining why blowing up a building might be considered bad in hindsight , but also pointing out that people three hours ago held different views around these things so we shouldn ’ t judge them by the standards of the current time .

The Pinikura Aboriginal Corporation have today apologised to the traditional owners of the Rio Tinto headquarters located in urban-Australia after learning that the site held special importance to the group who hold claim over the land. “We apologize to the traditional owners of the site,” explained a representative for the indigenous group, “and we hope that we can work together in the future to ensure that other mining-related artifacts aren’t destroyed without consultation with the corporation’s elders.”
However, critics have pointed out that Rio Tinto was simply getting in the way of progress, with the P.A.C. acting well within their rights to explore for minerals underneath the skyscraper. “We can’t seriously expect to just waste such precious resources because of some group that superstitiously believes that some rocks are valuable and are a source of power,” explained one Aboriginal expert with a degree in White Studies. “The reality is that at the end of the day, if we lost a few accounting books tracing the history of the company, that’s a small price to pay for progress.”
Asked what they will be doing to make amends, the Aboriginal group said it all happened in the past, so instead of any meaningful action they will simply put up a plaque explaining why blowing up a building might be considered bad in hindsight, but also pointing out that people three hours ago held different views around these things so we shouldn’t judge them by the standards of the current time.
Thanks to those that pointed out Briggs make the same gag a few weeks back. Be sure to give him a follow on Twitter to see more top shelf comedy three weeks before we think of it.


thechaser--2020-07-15--Star City files for bankrupcy following $5000 fine

Star City casino have reportedly paid the ultimate price for lax COVID restrictions this week , after the state ’ s only operating casino was forced to pay 0.0000000000000000001 % of it ’ s hourly revenue in fines as punishment for the health and safety breach .
“ Unfortunately this hefty fine means we will no longer be able to keep the lights on or pay staff , ” explained one Star City casino manager , as he placed a ‘ for sale ’ sign out the front of the building .
“ I guess this is a valuable lesson @ @ @ @ @ @ @ same mistake.
” However , some critics have pointed out that a $ 5000 fine would likely be little more than a rounding error for Star City ’ s accountants , and if anything they ’ ve made more money through breaching rules than they lost through the fine .
“ Oh look , we actually have a spare few billion dollars down the back of this couch , ” exclaimed one executive .
“ Oh well , we ’ ve already declared bankruptcy , guess we won ’ t need to declare @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Star City casino have reportedly paid the ultimate price for lax COVID restrictions this week, after the state’s only operating casino was forced to pay 0.0000000000000000001% of it’s hourly revenue in fines as punishment for the health and safety breach.
“Unfortunately this hefty fine means we will no longer be able to keep the lights on or pay staff,” explained one Star City casino manager, as he placed a ‘for sale’ sign out the front of the building. “I guess this is a valuable lesson for other businesses to not make the same mistake.”
However, some critics have pointed out that a $5000 fine would likely be little more than a rounding error for Star City’s accountants, and if anything they’ve made more money through breaching rules than they lost through the fine. “Oh look, we actually have a spare few billion dollars down the back of this couch,” exclaimed one executive. “Oh well, we’ve already declared bankruptcy, guess we won’t need to declare it on our taxes then.”


thechaser--2020-07-16--Mal Meninga praises Kanye West’s political longevity

Rugby legend and political heavy-hitter Mal Meninga has spoken out praising professional dumpster fire and newly former presidential nominee Kanye West after his ‘ impressive ’ 10-day campaign for office .
Mal sat with us to discuss the crazy and ‘ definitely not a publicity stunt ’ that was Kanye ’ s campaign , after assuming that Kanye West ’ s performance could land him the prestigious “ Mal Award ” sometime soon .
“ His entire presidential run was 10 days , that ’ s insane , what a marathon !
” said Mal .
“ To put that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 31,000 times longer than my political career was .
Wow he even managed to last an entire interview without just throwing in the towel , I could never do that .
Why am I coming out to support the man ?
Well because I am a public figure who throughout my sporting career , I was just a person out there making sure that I was um… I ’ m buggered… I ’ m sorry.
” Mal then proceeded to walk out of the interview and gave up on praising Mr West .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the run for President is now back to a two-horse race between Donald “ I ’ d date my daughter ” Trump and Joe “ poor kids are just as smart as white kids ” Biden , with many Americans stating at this point even Coronavirus has a better chance of winning the popular vote .

Rugby legend and political heavy-hitter Mal Meninga has spoken out praising professional dumpster fire and newly former presidential nominee Kanye West after his ‘impressive’ 10-day campaign for office. Mal sat with us to discuss the crazy and ‘definitely not a publicity stunt’ that was Kanye’s campaign, after assuming that Kanye West’s performance could land him the prestigious “Mal Award” sometime soon.
“His entire presidential run was 10 days, that’s insane, what a marathon!” said Mal. “To put that into perspective, that’s roughly 31,000 times longer than my political career was. Wow he even managed to last an entire interview without just throwing in the towel, I could never do that. Why am I coming out to support the man? Well because I am a public figure who throughout my sporting career, I was just a person out there making sure that I was um… I’m buggered… I’m sorry.” Mal then proceeded to walk out of the interview and gave up on praising Mr West.
With Kanye dropping out of the race, the run for President is now back to a two-horse race between Donald “I’d date my daughter” Trump and Joe “poor kids are just as smart as white kids” Biden, with many Americans stating at this point even Coronavirus has a better chance of winning the popular vote.