thechaser--2020-08-11--Whole of Australia now doing 20-second hand wash in just 5 seconds

Australians across the country have proudly confirmed they are now doing a twenty-second hand wash in just five seconds .
Speaking on behalf of all Australians , Braydon Graydon , a Brisbane man , demonstrated going through the recommended steps in a hurried approximation of cleanliness before describing his process .
Graydon said “ You ’ ve got your basic ‘ putting soap on hands ’ , and that ’ s a non-negotiable .
And you ’ ve got to wash it off .
But most of that other shit you can just do without .
The important thing is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tap for a bit so the other blokes see you making the effort.
” Experts have confirmed that the duration itself is one of the key elements of covid-safe handwashing .
However , when confronted with the evidence , Graydon remained defiant .
“ They never thought anyone could run a four-minute mile , ” he said , “ but humans are built to push boundaries .
Who ’ s to say I can ’ t get my time down even further ?
Three seconds ?
Two seconds ?
No seconds at all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his hands on his jeans before coughing directly into them , wiping them on his jeans again , then coughing into them again .

Whole of Australia now doing 20-second hand wash in just 5 seconds
Australians across the country have proudly confirmed they are now doing a twenty-second hand wash in just five seconds.
Speaking on behalf of all Australians, Braydon Graydon, a Brisbane man, demonstrated going through the recommended steps in a hurried approximation of cleanliness before describing his process.
Graydon said “You’ve got your basic ‘putting soap on hands’, and that’s a non-negotiable. And you’ve got to wash it off. But most of that other shit you can just do without. The important thing is to flap your fingers around under the tap for a bit so the other blokes see you making the effort.”
Experts have confirmed that the duration itself is one of the key elements of covid-safe handwashing. However, when confronted with the evidence, Graydon remained defiant.
“They never thought anyone could run a four-minute mile,” he said, “but humans are built to push boundaries. Who’s to say I can’t get my time down even further? Three seconds? Two seconds? No seconds at all?”
The 38-year-old electrician then wiped his hands on his jeans before coughing directly into them, wiping them on his jeans again, then coughing into them again.


thechaser--2020-08-11--War criminal George W. Bush moves to distance himself from Ellen

War criminal and former worst President of the United States , George W. Bush , has today taken steps to distance himself from TV host Ellen DeGeneres , stating that he could not support the heartless cruelty she has shown during her reign of terror .
“ I am ashamed and sorry to have given legitimacy to such a divisive figure , ” explained Bush today .
“ I and the thousands of dead Iraqi children who haunt my every waking hour can not simply continue to stand by and support this monster.
” “ You have to draw the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over the phone to his old friend dictator Ilham Aliyev .
“ I ’ m pretty forgiving , hell I even kept ‘ ol Cheney as my VP even after he shot that guy and subverted the government executive to further the interests of his military industrial contacts , but y ’ know even I have my limits.
” Asked who will be filling the gap in his friendship roster , Bush said he ’ s been eyeing up late night TV host James Corden , who he says looks like a pretty @ @ @

War criminal and former worst President of the United States, George W. Bush, has today taken steps to distance himself from TV host Ellen DeGeneres, stating that he could not support the heartless cruelty she has shown during her reign of terror.
“I am ashamed and sorry to have given legitimacy to such a divisive figure,” explained Bush today. “I and the thousands of dead Iraqi children who haunt my every waking hour cannot simply continue to stand by and support this monster.”
“You have to draw the line somewhere,” explained Bush, over the phone to his old friend dictator Ilham Aliyev. “I’m pretty forgiving, hell I even kept ‘ol Cheney as my VP even after he shot that guy and subverted the government executive to further the interests of his military industrial contacts, but y’know even I have my limits.”
Asked who will be filling the gap in his friendship roster, Bush said he’s been eyeing up late night TV host James Corden, who he says looks like a pretty bang-up guy.


thechaser--2020-08-11--Internet Explorer now only used to download better browsers

Experts have confirmed that downloading better and cooler browsers now accounts for 100 % of Internet Explorer use .
The findings confirm what the public has long expected .
However , the study has also shown just how despised the former favourite now is .
Internet user Dennis Kransky recalled hanging upside down from his wrecked ute , the smell of petrol filling his nostrils , and opening Internet Explorer to download Chrome before googling ‘ how to cut through seatbelt ’ .
Other participants had similar stories .
Researchers expanded on personal accounts with data , revealing that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the brain as when participants saw a venomous snake , and that the last person to use Internet Explorer to actually explore the internet died in 2018 .
Visibly upset Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates said “ Everyone used to love Internet Explorer , but now it has faded into the background thanks to newer , cooler tech entrepreneurs- sorry , I mean browsers .
All you ever hear is how it ’ s a remnant of a bygone age , it wears shit clothes and it ’ s putting covid in vaccines .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ it was true that Internet Explorer only served one function , “ at least it ’ s more useful than Bing ” .

Experts have confirmed that downloading better and cooler browsers now accounts for 100% of Internet Explorer use. The findings confirm what the public has long expected.
However, the study has also shown just how despised the former favourite now is. Internet user Dennis Kransky recalled hanging upside down from his wrecked ute, the smell of petrol filling his nostrils, and opening Internet Explorer to download Chrome before googling ‘how to cut through seatbelt’. Other participants had similar stories.
Researchers expanded on personal accounts with data, revealing that the desktop relic activated the same part of the brain as when participants saw a venomous snake, and that the last person to use Internet Explorer to actually explore the internet died in 2018.
Visibly upset Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates said “Everyone used to love Internet Explorer, but now it has faded into the background thanks to newer, cooler tech entrepreneurs- sorry, I mean browsers. All you ever hear is how it’s a remnant of a bygone age, it wears shit clothes and it’s putting covid in vaccines. Excuse me.”
Experts said that while it was true that Internet Explorer only served one function, “at least it’s more useful than Bing”.


thechaser--2020-08-12--Confused Trump can’t decide between sexism and racism as best way to attack Kamala Harris

President Donald Trump has admitted to aides that he is facing one of the biggest dilemmas of his presidency as he is forced to decide whether to attack Kamala Harris using sexism or racism .
“ He ’ s really torn , ” said one insider .
“ He needs to decide soon .
He ’ s already missed one news cycle , and if he leaves it any longer there ’ s a risk that Republicans could start exercising independent thinking , which hasn ’ t happened in years.
” One source said they had briefly considered using both @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dismissed as it was feared it would prove too confusing to many of his supporters .
“ We need to identify just one thing and then channel everyone ’ s anger into that.
” Many in Trump ’ s inner circle have urged him to stick to sexism in his reelection bid .
“ Sexism was so successful against Hillary that it seems a shame not to roll it out again , ” said one advisor , “ We ’ ve got a whole storeroom full of mysognistic placards left over from 2016 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , we ’ ll just accuse her of being on her period .
It ’ s a slam dunk.
” But racism is also seen as a natural fit for 2020 .
“ We ’ d have the backing of most the police forces across America if we decided to go racist.
” Joe Biden ’ s Vice-Presidential pick is both African-American and an Asian-American , which makes racism particularly appealing .
“ As an African-American , we would usually attack her for being a lazy unemployed dope-smoker , but as an Asian-American @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hard and stealing our jobs .
It ’ s obvious that we should attack Harris for being a lazy , unemployed , dope-smoking , hard-working job stealer .
Perfect !

President Donald Trump has admitted to aides that he is facing one of the biggest dilemmas of his presidency as he is forced to decide whether to attack Kamala Harris using sexism or racism.
“He’s really torn,” said one insider. “He needs to decide soon. He’s already missed one news cycle, and if he leaves it any longer there’s a risk that Republicans could start exercising independent thinking, which hasn’t happened in years.”
One source said they had briefly considered using both racism and sexism, but that was dismissed as it was feared it would prove too confusing to many of his supporters. “We need to identify just one thing and then channel everyone’s anger into that.”
Many in Trump’s inner circle have urged him to stick to sexism in his reelection bid. “Sexism was so successful against Hillary that it seems a shame not to roll it out again,” said one advisor, “We’ve got a whole storeroom full of mysognistic placards left over from 2016. And everytime Harris says anything fiery, we’ll just accuse her of being on her period. It’s a slam dunk.”
But racism is also seen as a natural fit for 2020. “We’d have the backing of most the police forces across America if we decided to go racist.”
Joe Biden’s Vice-Presidential pick is both African-American and an Asian-American, which makes racism particularly appealing. “As an African-American, we would usually attack her for being a lazy unemployed dope-smoker, but as an Asian-American we would attack her for working too hard and stealing our jobs. It’s obvious that we should attack Harris for being a lazy, unemployed, dope-smoking, hard-working job stealer. Perfect!


thechaser--2020-08-12--News Corp columnists rejoice at New Zealand’s COVID-19 resurgence

News Corp columnists have spent the day rejoicing in the streets after Jacinda Ardern announced that New Zealand had experienced its first outbreak of COVID-19 in over 100 days .
The “ journalists ” then retreated into one of Rupert Murdoch ’ s many lairs to formulate their new narrative that Jacinda had known about COVID-19 for months but failed to prepare New Zealand over the last 100 days despite being infection free and then immediately enforcing Stage 3 lockdown when hearing of the new cluster .
Season 3 – 16 Captain Planet villain , Andrew Bolt , was seen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about how it proved that Ardern had not done enough .
Flouting face mask rules for a virus he either doesn ’ t even believe in and/or is not being managed properly by every Labor Government ever , Bolt was quick to condemn the ABC , Labor and Daniel Andrews for taking too long to call out Ardern ’ s hubris for the past 100 days despite a 0 % community transmission rate in New Zealand .
“ Oh yes , everyone loves Jacinda !
Sure , she brought in sensible gun control @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and compassion for the entire world but these 4 new COVID-19 cases in New Zealand prove she ’ s incapable of leading the country !
” Bolt angrily ranted in all caps on his private 4chan blog .
After hearing the news , Alan Jones allegedly came out of his self-isolation to buy a large pair of socks for what he said was , “ unrelated to Jacinda at this time .
”

News Corp columnists have spent the day rejoicing in the streets after Jacinda Ardern announced that New Zealand had experienced its first outbreak of COVID-19 in over 100 days. The “journalists” then retreated into one of Rupert Murdoch’s many lairs to formulate their new narrative that Jacinda had known about COVID-19 for months but failed to prepare New Zealand over the last 100 days despite being infection free and then immediately enforcing Stage 3 lockdown when hearing of the new cluster.
Season 3 – 16 Captain Planet villain, Andrew Bolt, was seen licking his lips while preparing an op-ed about how it proved that Ardern had not done enough. Flouting face mask rules for a virus he either doesn’t even believe in and/or is not being managed properly by every Labor Government ever, Bolt was quick to condemn the ABC, Labor and Daniel Andrews for taking too long to call out Ardern’s hubris for the past 100 days despite a 0% community transmission rate in New Zealand.
“Oh yes, everyone loves Jacinda! Sure, she brought in sensible gun control and has been a beacon of hope and compassion for the entire world but these 4 new COVID-19 cases in New Zealand prove she’s incapable of leading the country!” Bolt angrily ranted in all caps on his private 4chan blog.
After hearing the news, Alan Jones allegedly came out of his self-isolation to buy a large pair of socks for what he said was, “unrelated to Jacinda at this time.”


thechaser--2020-08-12--Fears Harris candidacy a ‘trojan horse’ that may allow a non-rapist to end up as President

There are mounting fears that Kamala Harris ’ candidacy is nothing more than a trojan horse that could allow a non-rapist to one day take over the Oval Office .
In this alarming scenario , Joe Biden would win the election , but then step down as President half-way through his term , allowing a non-rapist to sweep to power and implement radical policies such not sexually assaulting people .
“ There ’ s no risk in the immediate future that a non-rapist will take power in the White House , but the Harris candidacy certainly means it is a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said one commentator .
Fox News warned viewers of the chilling scenario .
“ A vote for Biden is a vote for Kamala Harris , which means health care for all , racial justice , labor rights and maybe even a non-rapist as President .
Ask yourself : do you really want that ?
” Historians say while it is rare for the US Presidency to be occupied by someone who treats women with respect , it is not unheard of .
Barrack Obama was a two-term President who did not face any @ @ @ @ @

Fears Harris candidacy a ‘trojan horse’ that may allow a non-rapist to end up as President
There are mounting fears that Kamala Harris’ candidacy is nothing more than a trojan horse that could allow a non-rapist to one day take over the Oval Office.
In this alarming scenario, Joe Biden would win the election, but then step down as President half-way through his term, allowing a non-rapist to sweep to power and implement radical policies such not sexually assaulting people.
“There’s no risk in the immediate future that a non-rapist will take power in the White House, but the Harris candidacy certainly means it is a risk in the medium term,” said one commentator.
Fox News warned viewers of the chilling scenario. “A vote for Biden is a vote for Kamala Harris, which means health care for all, racial justice, labor rights and maybe even a non-rapist as President. Ask yourself: do you really want that?”
Historians say while it is rare for the US Presidency to be occupied by someone who treats women with respect, it is not unheard of. Barrack Obama was a two-term President who did not face any allegations of sexual misconduct.


thechaser--2020-08-12--White House fears Democrats could dig up Trump’s old tweets from Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or Thurs

As the Whitehouse race intensifies , there are mounting fears that Democrats could dig up old tweets by Donald Trump that are deeply offensive and problematic .
Republican strategists fear that old tweets from Monday , Tuesday , Wednesday or Thursday will resurface , casting Donald Trump in a bad light .
“ If the Democrats find tweets that contain borderline racist statements , it could be a real problem , ” said one insider .
“ His supporters expect better of their President .
They want full blown racism.
” However , aides are not concerned the President will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ He ’ s the president of the United States of America .
He ’ s not held to nearly as high a level of accountability as an Instagram influencer.
” Trump has posted almost 55,000 tweets from his account with approximately 53,000 containing objectionable content .
The remainder , made before he gained office , are mostly ‘ retweet to win ’ -style competitions for homeware and cosmetic products .
The source explained that , while locking or deactivating the president ’ s account would ensure no more of his views were @ @ @ @ @ @ @ also mean he had to find something else to do , which they all agreed that nobody really wanted to deal with .

White House fears Democrats could dig up Trump’s old tweets from Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday
As the Whitehouse race intensifies, there are mounting fears that Democrats could dig up old tweets by Donald Trump that are deeply offensive and problematic.
Republican strategists fear that old tweets from Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday will resurface, casting Donald Trump in a bad light.
“If the Democrats find tweets that contain borderline racist statements, it could be a real problem,” said one insider. “His supporters expect better of their President. They want full blown racism.”
However, aides are not concerned the President will be cancelled because of his tweets. “He’s the president of the United States of America. He’s not held to nearly as high a level of accountability as an Instagram influencer.”
Trump has posted almost 55,000 tweets from his account with approximately 53,000 containing objectionable content. The remainder, made before he gained office, are mostly ‘retweet to win’-style competitions for homeware and cosmetic products.
The source explained that, while locking or deactivating the president’s account would ensure no more of his views were allowed to be published, it would also mean he had to find something else to do, which they all agreed that nobody really wanted to deal with.


thechaser--2020-08-13--Government announces university students who fail economics will be fast tracked into Federal Cabine

Government announces university students who fail economics will be fast tracked into Federal Cabinet

The federal government has announced today that all students who fail more than 50 % of their classes will no longer be able to access government education loans , in an attempt to force all failing economics and maths students to get a job as a government minister .
“ We can ’ t have these complete incompetent buffoons wasting valuable government money on an education they ’ re not completing , ” explained treasurer Josh Frydenberg today , “ when they should be using those skills wasting government money in the workplace , such as in a job in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my wallet ?
” The government is reportedly also eyeing off failed history students to fill crucial ministerial positions relating to education and aboriginal resources .
“ We ’ re looking for people with a complete lack of knowledge about basically everything beyond ‘ Cook arrived made everything good ’ , ” explained the Prime Minister today .
“ None of this ‘ nuance ’ or ‘ people are still suffering the consequences of settler collonialsim ’ nonsense .
If it ’ s not the kind of boiled down history that can be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in a park for 5 seconds then we don ’ t want it.
” The government has also announced that they hope forcing failing students to leave university will create a surge of young people entering the workforce , which is currently bursting with opportunities for one young person .
“ We have been told that there is up to three jobs that aren ’ t currently filled across Australia , so we really need to boost those employment figures , ” explained the Minister for Unemployment .
“ Well , when I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ unpaid internships , but you ’ ve got ta start somewhere .
Shame they all require eight years experience and a masters degree.
” “ In any case pushing all these underqualified and unmotivated people into the job market will finally get them off the government teat , ” he continued .
“ Finally these young people can stop leeching off the government by getting an education and instead idle around at home on centrelink for the next few years .
Problem solved .
”

The federal government has announced today that all students who fail more than 50% of their classes will no longer be able to access government education loans, in an attempt to force all failing economics and maths students to get a job as a government minister.
“We can’t have these complete incompetent buffoons wasting valuable government money on an education they’re not completing,” explained treasurer Josh Frydenberg today, “when they should be using those skills wasting government money in the workplace, such as in a job in my department. Wait has anyone seen my wallet?”
The government is reportedly also eyeing off failed history students to fill crucial ministerial positions relating to education and aboriginal resources. “We’re looking for people with a complete lack of knowledge about basically everything beyond ‘Cook arrived made everything good’,” explained the Prime Minister today. “None of this ‘nuance’ or ‘people are still suffering the consequences of settler collonialsim’ nonsense. If it’s not the kind of boiled down history that can be gained from staring at a nice statue in a park for 5 seconds then we don’t want it.”
The government has also announced that they hope forcing failing students to leave university will create a surge of young people entering the workforce, which is currently bursting with opportunities for one young person. “We have been told that there is up to three jobs that aren’t currently filled across Australia, so we really need to boost those employment figures,” explained the Minister for Unemployment. “Well, when I say jobs, they’re more unpaid internships, but you’ve gotta start somewhere. Shame they all require eight years experience and a masters degree.”
“In any case pushing all these underqualified and unmotivated people into the job market will finally get them off the government teat,” he continued. “Finally these young people can stop leeching off the government by getting an education and instead idle around at home on centrelink for the next few years. Problem solved.”


thechaser--2020-08-13--NRL star faces scrutiny over allegations he’s been in respectful monogamous relationship

The NRL is facing yet another sex scandal after one player was forced to address rumours he has been shagging his wife and only his wife .
NRL officials denied claims the player in question was in a happy and mutually respectful marriage .
The player will face the NRL judiciary next week to refute the claims .
If found guilty , he may not be eligible to play in the NRL .
In a prepared statement , the player claimed the rumours are being spread by somebody with a grudge against him .
“ I have never been respectful @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have is highly defamatory , ” he said .
The player addressed the media flanked by his wife and several other women .
“ Accusations that I am a responsible family man are not true , ” he said .
“ I have been regularly sticking my cock in waitresses , trainee hairdressers and masseuses , as well as teammates ’ wives , teammates ’ mothers , teammates wives ’ mothers , and at least one video poker machine , just like a normal NRL player .
I even dipped it in a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ d like to remind people not to believe everything they read on the internet.
” “ I ’ m looking forward to moving on with my life in a shambolic fashion until Fox Sports gives me a broadcasting gig and forces me to ‘ clean my act up ’ .
”

The NRL is facing yet another sex scandal after one player was forced to address rumours he has been shagging his wife and only his wife.
NRL officials denied claims the player in question was in a happy and mutually respectful marriage. The player will face the NRL judiciary next week to refute the claims. If found guilty, he may not be eligible to play in the NRL.
In a prepared statement, the player claimed the rumours are being spread by somebody with a grudge against him. “I have never been respectful to women, and any suggestion I have is highly defamatory,” he said.
The player addressed the media flanked by his wife and several other women. “Accusations that I am a responsible family man are not true,” he said. “I have been regularly sticking my cock in waitresses, trainee hairdressers and masseuses, as well as teammates’ wives, teammates’ mothers, teammates wives’ mothers, and at least one video poker machine, just like a normal NRL player. I even dipped it in a glass of red wine once. I’d like to remind people not to believe everything they read on the internet.”
“I’m looking forward to moving on with my life in a shambolic fashion until Fox Sports gives me a broadcasting gig and forces me to ‘clean my act up’.”


thechaser--2020-08-14--Police launch investigation to discover who Victorian Opposition Leader is

Victoria Police have today announced the surprise decision to launch an investigation into exactly who the Victorian Opposition Leader is .
Standing in front of a billboard of possible suspects , police have announced it ’ ll take some time to find the culprit but it ’ d be best if the mysterious figure came forward to avoid further embarrassment for themselves and the Victorian LNP .
Since the LNP were thumped at the 2018 Victorian State election , rumours have been swirling as to who would take charge of the 27 LNP Legislative Assembly & 11 Legislative Council politicians @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of an underground shadowy figure potentially leading the party had been , for the most part , dismissed by police as rumours until now .
‘ We didn ’ t believe the gossip until , on Monday , an off duty police officer passed by the Victorian LNP headquarters and noticed all the plants inside were still alive , ’ the officer in charge of the investigation announced .
‘ This led us to believe that the Victorian LNP was still operational and somebody… anybody… must be leading them .
After staking out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we noticed a lot of people coming and going .
We questioned some about their boss but were only met with the responses : “ I don ’ t know , ” or “ My daddy ’ s a lawyer and he ’ ll sue you !
” ‘ Prime Minister Scott Morrison was quick to distance himself from having any knowledge of who the Victorian LNP leader could be .
Sporting his usual trademark smirk , Morrison revealed , ‘ Look , News Corp has been trying to pin something on Daniel @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tried the being too soft on COVID-19 angle , cracking down too hard on COVID-19 , holding too many press conferences , over-funding schools and hospitals but nothing seems to stick .
With all that valuable ammunition from my favourite old racist uncle , Rupert , you ’ d think if somebody was actually leading the Victorian LNP , we would have heard them go on the attack by now.
” The Official Victorian LNP Facebook page went into overdrive last night , seeing an almost 307 % increase in traffic after 7 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , 2013 post about Australia needing Tony Abbott .
Most of the comments were in relation to people forgetting they had followed this particular page .

Victoria Police have today announced the surprise decision to launch an investigation into exactly who the Victorian Opposition Leader is. Standing in front of a billboard of possible suspects, police have announced it’ll take some time to find the culprit but it’d be best if the mysterious figure came forward to avoid further embarrassment for themselves and the Victorian LNP.
Since the LNP were thumped at the 2018 Victorian State election, rumours have been swirling as to who would take charge of the 27 LNP Legislative Assembly & 11 Legislative Council politicians along with their 5 supporters. Rumours of an underground shadowy figure potentially leading the party had been, for the most part, dismissed by police as rumours until now.
‘We didn’t believe the gossip until, on Monday, an off duty police officer passed by the Victorian LNP headquarters and noticed all the plants inside were still alive,’ the officer in charge of the investigation announced. ‘This led us to believe that the Victorian LNP was still operational and somebody… anybody… must be leading them. After staking out the building for a few days, we noticed a lot of people coming and going. We questioned some about their boss but were only met with the responses: “I don’t know,” or “My daddy’s a lawyer and he’ll sue you!”‘
Prime Minister Scott Morrison was quick to distance himself from having any knowledge of who the Victorian LNP leader could be. Sporting his usual trademark smirk, Morrison revealed, ‘Look, News Corp has been trying to pin something on Daniel Andrews for years. They’ve tried the being too soft on COVID-19 angle, cracking down too hard on COVID-19, holding too many press conferences, over-funding schools and hospitals but nothing seems to stick. With all that valuable ammunition from my favourite old racist uncle, Rupert, you’d think if somebody was actually leading the Victorian LNP, we would have heard them go on the attack by now.”
The Official Victorian LNP Facebook page went into overdrive last night, seeing an almost 307% increase in traffic after 7 people commented on their most recent August, 2013 post about Australia needing Tony Abbott. Most of the comments were in relation to people forgetting they had followed this particular page.


thechaser--2020-08-14--News Corp demands to know why Dan Andrews didn’t stop the racist cartoon in The Australian

Dangerous pandemic and international cabal of lying fearmongers , News Corporation have released a statement this afternoon , addressing a cartoon featured the Australian today that many are labelling ‘ racist , sexist and ageist ’ .
Speaking on behalf of the organisation , the Editor-in-chief of the Australian Christopher Dore said that an internal investigation has already been launched into how Dan Andrews could have let this happen .
“ How can that monster Dan Andrews allow the Australian to be stocked on the shelves of Victorian stores ?
” asked the editor , “ when he knows full @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and constant dangerous lies .
Also , the Federal Government recently gave $ 10m to Foxtel which is owned by the same foreign business owners .
And as shown by our ‘ experts ’ during the Covid pandemic , federal funding decided by the Morrison government is his fault.
” “ There is no room for blatant racism in Australian media , ” said another representative for the company .
“ Sorry , I mean there is only so much room for blatant racism in Australian media , and most of that is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the moment.
” In response to these statements , Sunrise and the Today Show are already checking which racist white people are available to debate just how un-racist the cartoon is .
Not to be outdone , the ABC accept that it is racist , instead choosing to have a ‘ balanced discussion ’ on whether it is Dan Andrews ’ fault or not , debated between a right-wing politician and a News Corp columnist and mediated by a former News Corp journalist .

Dangerous pandemic and international cabal of lying fearmongers, News Corporation have released a statement this afternoon, addressing a cartoon featured the Australian today that many are labelling ‘racist, sexist and ageist’. Speaking on behalf of the organisation, the Editor-in-chief of the Australian Christopher Dore said that an internal investigation has already been launched into how Dan Andrews could have let this happen.
“How can that monster Dan Andrews allow the Australian to be stocked on the shelves of Victorian stores?” asked the editor, “when he knows full well it is full of vile hatred and constant dangerous lies. Also, the Federal Government recently gave $10m to Foxtel which is owned by the same foreign business owners. And as shown by our ‘experts’ during the Covid pandemic, federal funding decided by the Morrison government is his fault.”
“There is no room for blatant racism in Australian media,” said another representative for the company. “Sorry, I mean there is only so much room for blatant racism in Australian media, and most of that is being taken up by breakfast TV at the moment.”
In response to these statements, Sunrise and the Today Show are already checking which racist white people are available to debate just how un-racist the cartoon is. Not to be outdone, the ABC accept that it is racist, instead choosing to have a ‘balanced discussion’ on whether it is Dan Andrews’ fault or not, debated between a right-wing politician and a News Corp columnist and mediated by a former News Corp journalist.


thechaser--2020-08-17--Sydney still somehow hosting less nightlife than Melbourne

Sydney continues to have less nighttime culture than Melbourne despite the Victorian city ’ s tough new stage four coronavirus restrictions .
The stage four restrictions , which include an overnight curfew , have seriously hamstrung Melbourne ’ s nightlife industry but have not come close to reducing it to the minimal levels found in Sydney .
The small numbers of residents who can be found on the streets carrying out approved activities – shopping for food and essential items , care and caregiving , daily exercise and work – would likely require a police escort if found in Sydney @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s Cross .
By taking their one hour of daily exercise after sunset and then occasionally glancing out their window during the overnight curfew , Melburnians have been able to comply with the restrictions while still experiencing more nightlife than their NSW counterparts .
For its part , NSW ’ s nighttime industry has made the most of significantly less stringent restrictions .
With venues often closed before midnight and live music rare , NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian declared that Sydney ’ s nightlife economy was “ basically back to normal ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ most renowned cultural hub in Australia only a decade ago , I ’ m proud to have helped push the city into second place , ” she said .
The Premier told reporters that this achievement was particularly difficult given that Sydney had been relatively unscathed by coronavirus compared to Melbourne .
“ If we had had more infections , I believe we could have implemented rules that would have permanently reduced Sydney ’ s nighttime culture to levels currently seen in Brisbane , Perth , or even Geelong .
”

Sydney continues to have less nighttime culture than Melbourne despite the Victorian city’s tough new stage four coronavirus restrictions.
The stage four restrictions, which include an overnight curfew, have seriously hamstrung Melbourne’s nightlife industry but have not come close to reducing it to the minimal levels found in Sydney.
The small numbers of residents who can be found on the streets carrying out approved activities – shopping for food and essential items, care and caregiving, daily exercise and work – would likely require a police escort if found in Sydney’s former nighttime hub, King’s Cross.
By taking their one hour of daily exercise after sunset and then occasionally glancing out their window during the overnight curfew, Melburnians have been able to comply with the restrictions while still experiencing more nightlife than their NSW counterparts.
For its part, NSW’s nighttime industry has made the most of significantly less stringent restrictions. With venues often closed before midnight and live music rare, NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian declared that Sydney’s nightlife economy was “basically back to normal”.
“Considering that Sydney was the most renowned cultural hub in Australia only a decade ago, I’m proud to have helped push the city into second place,” she said. The Premier told reporters that this achievement was particularly difficult given that Sydney had been relatively unscathed by coronavirus compared to Melbourne.
“If we had had more infections, I believe we could have implemented rules that would have permanently reduced Sydney’s nighttime culture to levels currently seen in Brisbane, Perth, or even Geelong.”


thechaser--2020-08-17--Nine deny lack of diversity, pointing out that time they had a ranga on Today

The Nine Network have today hit back at a media diversity report , which accused the broadcaster of severely under-representing minority groups .
Refuting claims the station almost exclusively hires white anglo hosts despite 1 in 4 Australians being from other backgrounds , the station pointed out that they have provided a raft of opportunities for struggling minorities like red haired Pauline Hanson .
“ We can ’ t think of a better representative of minority views than Pauline , ” said a spokesman for the station .
“ Not only is she pigmentally challenged , but she ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the world who is willing to go on TV and call for the return of the white ethnostate .
Combine that with the promotion of anti-vax views and her hardline stance against climate change and you ’ ve got someone so steeped in fringe and minority viewpoints that she ’ s basically the only balance we need on the network.
” Asked whether they might consider also possibly hiring some people from Asia , Africa , South America , or even just a few Aboriginal Australians , Nine said that they would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on talent , and they simply haven ’ t been able to find anyone in the group that makes up 90 % of the world ’ s population that is capable of sitting in a seat and reading an autocue .
“ It ’ s a very tough job , ” said Nine host Karl Stefanovic after checking with his script writers .
“ The fact is it ’ s simply impossible to find non-white media talent .
No matter how hard we look , from YouTube to TikTok to Twitter , it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ succeeding are white .
At least that ’ s how it is in our algorithms , why , are yours different ?
”

The Nine Network have today hit back at a media diversity report, which accused the broadcaster of severely under-representing minority groups. Refuting claims the station almost exclusively hires white anglo hosts despite 1 in 4 Australians being from other backgrounds, the station pointed out that they have provided a raft of opportunities for struggling minorities like red haired Pauline Hanson.
“We can’t think of a better representative of minority views than Pauline,” said a spokesman for the station. “Not only is she pigmentally challenged, but she’s also one of the last remaining people in the world who is willing to go on TV and call for the return of the white ethnostate. Combine that with the promotion of anti-vax views and her hardline stance against climate change and you’ve got someone so steeped in fringe and minority viewpoints that she’s basically the only balance we need on the network.”
Asked whether they might consider also possibly hiring some people from Asia, Africa, South America, or even just a few Aboriginal Australians, Nine said that they would be happy to, but they hire on talent, and they simply haven’t been able to find anyone in the group that makes up 90% of the world’s population that is capable of sitting in a seat and reading an autocue. “It’s a very tough job,” said Nine host Karl Stefanovic after checking with his script writers. “The fact is it’s simply impossible to find non-white media talent. No matter how hard we look, from YouTube to TikTok to Twitter, it seems like the only people out there succeeding are white. At least that’s how it is in our algorithms, why, are yours different?”


thechaser--2020-08-17--Nine to increase diversity by having Karl Stefanovic host every show

Following the release of a Media Diversity Australia report finding that 76 % of presenters , commentators and reporters are Anglo-Celtic despite that group making up only 58 % of the population , the Nine Network board has today announced that all Channel Nine shows will be hosted by Karl Stefanovic to better increase diversity .
The news comes off the back of tweets by Stefanovic hitting back at the report this morning , after he pointed out that he has Yugoslav and German roots and is therefore technically diverse .
“ We take diversity very seriously and agree that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ troubling , ” Nine Network ’ s board said in a statement .
“ With Karl at the helm , we can ensure that everyone from the far reaches of Western Europe all the way to the far reaches of Central Europe can look at their television screen and see someone who looks like them.
” “ The Media Diversity Australia report mentioned that White women were overrepresented , ” Nine Networks CEO Hugh Marks .
“ So the board and I hope that Karl being a man fixes that particular issue when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ A Current Affair.
” “ We ’ re proud to represent a range of views and background on our programmes and we ’ ll continue to do so , ” said a Nine commentator this afternoon .
“ And with Karl being joined by our new diversity hire , the red haired minority reporter Pauline Hanson , we can guarantee viewers will be exposed to the entire spectrum of whiteness .
”

Following the release of a Media Diversity Australia report finding that 76% of presenters, commentators and reporters are Anglo-Celtic despite that group making up only 58% of the population, the Nine Network board has today announced that all Channel Nine shows will be hosted by Karl Stefanovic to better increase diversity.
The news comes off the back of tweets by Stefanovic hitting back at the report this morning, after he pointed out that he has Yugoslav and German roots and is therefore technically diverse.
“We take diversity very seriously and agree that the report’s findings are deeply troubling,” Nine Network’s board said in a statement. “With Karl at the helm, we can ensure that everyone from the far reaches of Western Europe all the way to the far reaches of Central Europe can look at their television screen and see someone who looks like them.”
“The Media Diversity Australia report mentioned that White women were overrepresented,” Nine Networks CEO Hugh Marks. “So the board and I hope that Karl being a man fixes that particular issue when he takes over from Tracy Grimshaw on A Current Affair.”
“We’re proud to represent a range of views and background on our programmes and we’ll continue to do so,” said a Nine commentator this afternoon. “And with Karl being joined by our new diversity hire, the red haired minority reporter Pauline Hanson, we can guarantee viewers will be exposed to the entire spectrum of whiteness.”


thechaser--2020-08-17--Karl Stefanovic sacked by Nine following revelation that he’s not anglo

The Nine Network has today been forced to let go of popular Today Show host Karl Stefanovic after it was @ @ @ @ @ to be non-white talent .
“ This simply can not stand , ” said one @ @ @ @ @ Karl ’ s Eastern European roots .
“ We thought Stefanovic was a Welsh name @ @ @ @ @ was testing our limits .
What ’ s next , are you going to tell @ @ @ @ @ named Scott Caminetti and he actually has Italian roots ?
God I ’ d blow @ @ @ @ @ true.
” Asked who would be replacing Karl , a spokesman for Nine said that @ @ @ @ @ be undertaken , after which a friend of one of the producers would probably just @ @ @ @ @

The Nine Network has today been forced to let go of popular Today Show host Karl Stefanovic after it was revealed that he considers himself to be non-white talent.
“This simply cannot stand,” said one Nine executive when told about Karl’s Eastern European roots. “We thought Stefanovic was a Welsh name, and frankly even that was testing our limits. What’s next, are you going to tell us Scotty Cam is really named Scott Caminetti and he actually has Italian roots? God I’d blow a gasket if that were true.”
Asked who would be replacing Karl, a spokesman for Nine said that a rigorous recruiting process would be undertaken, after which a friend of one of the producers would probably just be given the job.


thechaser--2020-08-19--Liberal Party rushes out commemorative ‘25 million Australians vaccinated’ mug

The Liberal Party has put up for sale a mug to commemorate the 25th million person in Australia vaccinated against Covid-19 , which has happened next year .
Scott Morrison admitted the mug is similar in design to the famous “ Back in Black ” mug that went on sale to commemorate Australia going into surplus this year , last year .
Mr Morrison still claims that the surplus , which was never achieved , was completely acheived if you just ignore the fact that it wasn ’ t achieved .
“ Yeah , we had a few mugs left @ @ @ @ @ @ @ repurpose them to commemorate what I think is probably the singular greatest achievement of my government so far .
Getting 25 million people vaccinated is a huge step in the fight against coronavirus , and it ’ s great that it ’ s already happened next year.
” Mr Morrison denied it was premature to announce that 25 million Australians had been vaccinated when the vaccine had yet to even be fully tested , and had not yet been cleared for release .
“ Look , I don ’ t have time to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ m too busy to talk about things that have already happened in 2021 .
For me , that ’ s ancient history .
I ’ m off to celebrate New Years Eve 2023 .
”

The Liberal Party has put up for sale a mug to commemorate the 25th million person in Australia vaccinated against Covid-19, which has happened next year.
Scott Morrison admitted the mug is similar in design to the famous “Back in Black” mug that went on sale to commemorate Australia going into surplus this year, last year. Mr Morrison still claims that the surplus, which was never achieved, was completely acheived if you just ignore the fact that it wasn’t achieved.
“Yeah, we had a few mugs left over, and so we decided to repurpose them to commemorate what I think is probably the singular greatest achievement of my government so far. Getting 25 million people vaccinated is a huge step in the fight against coronavirus, and it’s great that it’s already happened next year.”
Mr Morrison denied it was premature to announce that 25 million Australians had been vaccinated when the vaccine had yet to even be fully tested, and had not yet been cleared for release. “Look, I don’t have time to deal with these quibbles. I’m too busy to talk about things that have already happened in 2021. For me, that’s ancient history. I’m off to celebrate New Years Eve 2023.”


thechaser--2020-08-20--Pauline Hanson demands more locally acquired cases

Pauline Hanson has called for foreign-acquired cases of COVID-19 to be limited in favour of Australian-made cases .
Ms Hanson @ @ @ @ @ an Aussie-made strain of the disease , and said locally acquired cases should take precedence @ @ @ @ @ numbers .
The majority of Australia ’ s COVID cases have been acquired overseas , @ @ @ @ @ those returning to the country .
However , Hanson is pushing for a cap on @ @ @ @ @ in favour of dramatically increasing home-grown infections .
“ Please explain why we are talking @ @ @ @ @ we have the resources here in Australia to start a proper , significant local outbreak @ @ @ @ @ “ It ’ s time we remembered who we are as a nation , and @ @ @ @ @ coronavirus between Australians and Australians only.
” “ It is , frankly , pathetic that @ @ @ @ @ have more locally-acquired cases than we do .
This weekend go out , catch coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ do your bit for your country .
”

Pauline Hanson has called for foreign-acquired cases of COVID-19 to be limited in favour of Australian-made cases. Ms Hanson called on scientists to develop an Aussie-made strain of the disease, and said locally acquired cases should take precedence in any increase in the numbers.
The majority of Australia’s COVID cases have been acquired overseas, or have been traced to those returning to the country. However, Hanson is pushing for a cap on so-called ‘foreign COVID’ in favour of dramatically increasing home-grown infections.
“Please explain why we are talking about cases from overseas when we have the resources here in Australia to start a proper, significant local outbreak,” she said. “It’s time we remembered who we are as a nation, and focused on spreading the novel coronavirus between Australians and Australians only.”
“It is, frankly, pathetic that countries like China and India have more locally-acquired cases than we do. This weekend go out, catch coronavirus off an Australian, and do your bit for your country.”


thechaser--2020-08-21--Russian Opposition Leader Alexei Navalny first to try Russian Covid-19 vaccine

Alexei Navalny has become the first person in Russian to try the new Covid-19 vaccine that President Vladimir Putin announced @ @ @ @ @ the happy occasion the the Opposition Leader collapsed and rolled around on the floor yelling @ @ @ @ @ joy .
Mr Putin said the trial was “ completely successful ” , and there @ @ @ @ @ unintended side effects .
“ Put it this way , ” he told reporters , @ @ @ @ @ thing Alexei Navalny has to worry about now.
” The vaccine was administered using a @ @ @ @ @ Mr Putin said that the vaccine could be administered through a wide range of techniques @ @ @ @ @ an umbrella , a perfume bottle and even by falling from a great height out @ @ @ @ @ observers have said that Mr Navalny ’ s screams were made in agony , though @ @ @ @ @ reach them for comment they were unavailable as they were all busy getting the new @ @

Alexei Navalny has become the first person in Russian to try the new Covid-19 vaccine that President Vladimir Putin announced last week.
To celebrate the happy occasion the the Opposition Leader collapsed and rolled around on the floor yelling loudly in fitful screams of joy.
Mr Putin said the trial was “completely successful”, and there were no signs of any unintended side effects. “Put it this way,” he told reporters, “Covid-19 is the last thing Alexei Navalny has to worry about now.”
The vaccine was administered using a cup of tea, though Mr Putin said that the vaccine could be administered through a wide range of techniques, including the tip of an umbrella, a perfume bottle and even by falling from a great height out of a window.
Some observers have said that Mr Navalny’s screams were made in agony, though when The Chaser tried to reach them for comment they were unavailable as they were all busy getting the new vaccine.


thechaser--2020-08-21--Daniel Andrews to win over News Corp by taking 3 week holiday in Hawaii

Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has gained praise and adulation from News Corporation today , after announcing he will be taking a three week holiday to Hawaii in the midst of a national crisis .
“ That ’ s more like it !
” exclaimed Herald Sun editor Jane Coal today .
“ That ’ s exactly the kind of leadership we want to see more of in this country .
No more of this working for three months straight without a day off nonsense , or taking responsibility for your mistakes .
All we ever wanted from the man was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sharkies game , and to maybe release the occasional partisan ad campaign in the middle of a deadly bushfire .
You know , be a leader.
” Asked why they had suddenly taken such an about face , News Corp said it was something about the way Andrews had been composing himself over the last few days that has really changed their view on him .
“ I can ’ t quite put my finger on it , ” explained one editor .
“ Maybe it ’ s the turnaround in cases , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ decided to wear , or maybe it ’ s the way that floods of people have cancelled their subscriptions to my paper in the last few weeks .
I guess we ’ ll never know.
” However , not everybody is on board with Andrews ’ s holiday , with journalist larper Andrew Bolt stating he only wanted Andrews to go on holidays when he wasn ’ t doing it .
“ God , first he ’ s not on holidays , now he ’ s on holidays , what ’ s next @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up your mind Andrews , ” raged Bolt .
“ When I said I wanted you to go on holidays you should have known I meant the exact opposite .
What a monster .
”

Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has gained praise and adulation from News Corporation today, after announcing he will be taking a three week holiday to Hawaii in the midst of a national crisis. “That’s more like it!” exclaimed Herald Sun editor Jane Coal today. “That’s exactly the kind of leadership we want to see more of in this country. No more of this working for three months straight without a day off nonsense, or taking responsibility for your mistakes. All we ever wanted from the man was that he occasionally turn up to a Sharkies game, and to maybe release the occasional partisan ad campaign in the middle of a deadly bushfire. You know, be a leader.”
Asked why they had suddenly taken such an about face, News Corp said it was something about the way Andrews had been composing himself over the last few days that has really changed their view on him. “I can’t quite put my finger on it,” explained one editor. “Maybe it’s the turnaround in cases, maybe it’s the suit he decided to wear, or maybe it’s the way that floods of people have cancelled their subscriptions to my paper in the last few weeks. I guess we’ll never know.”
However, not everybody is on board with Andrews’s holiday, with journalist larper Andrew Bolt stating he only wanted Andrews to go on holidays when he wasn’t doing it. “God, first he’s not on holidays, now he’s on holidays, what’s next? Back off holidays again? Make up your mind Andrews,” raged Bolt. “When I said I wanted you to go on holidays you should have known I meant the exact opposite. What a monster.”


thechaser--2020-08-21--Obama obliterates Trump, in much the same way he did innocent Afghan farmers

The former president has launched a verbal drone strike on Donald Trump , decimating him like an Afghan farmer and @ @ @ @ @ by a well .
Bystanders reported the attack coming out of nowhere .
A witness @ @ @ @ @ was going about his day and the next he ’ s a cloud of red @ @ @ @ @ a Kabul wedding at the hands of a drone operator in Virginia .
Metaphorically , @ @ @ @ @ the attack a return to the glory years .
Politicos in the States had been @ @ @ @ @ one of the devastating assaults that defined his presidency .
One former senator said “ @ @ @ @ @ stopped being president , or sending unmanned aircraft into sovereign nations to kill civilians .
@ @ @ @ @ , we ’ ll forget about it in two weeks , as if it was @ @ @ @ @ slightly too fast towards an American checkpoint in 2014 .
”

Obama obliterates Trump, in much the same way he did innocent Afghan farmers
The former president has launched a verbal drone strike on Donald Trump, decimating him like an Afghan farmer and two of his brothers standing by a well. Bystanders reported the attack coming out of nowhere.
A witness said “One minute Trump was going about his day and the next he’s a cloud of red steam, like guests at a Kabul wedding at the hands of a drone operator in Virginia. Metaphorically, of course.”
Commenters hailed the attack a return to the glory years. Politicos in the States had been waiting for Obama to launch one of the devastating assaults that defined his presidency.
One former senator said “It was like he never stopped being president, or sending unmanned aircraft into sovereign nations to kill civilians. Incredible stuff.
“Unfortunately, we’ll forget about it in two weeks, as if it was a family of five driving slightly too fast towards an American checkpoint in 2014.”


thechaser--2020-08-24--Kim Jong-Un ‘suspiciously’ in a coma while Masked Singer is off for ‘medical reasons’

The celebrity gossip rumour mill is going crazy today over a new theory that has emerged about who is under one of the masks on the show The Masked Singer Australia .
The latest theory claims that none other than tyrannical dictator that looks like an adult sized toddler , Kim Jong-Un .
The theory stems from the production of the show being stopped due to health issues amongst the performers ‘ coincidentally ’ taking place at the same time as Kim Jong-Un is hospitalised due to a coma , a theory many are calling “ about as truthful and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I know it sounds crazy at first but here me out , ” said Alice , a ‘ celebrity expert ’ , “ Like I know the show claims it ’ s because of coronavirus but the show is built on lies .
Remember when they claimed that there would be celebrities on the show ?
So far , they have had people like what ’ s-his face , that one girl with that one song and Dave Hughes .
So , I guess the least believable part would be that he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ too famous for the show .
Although , have you ever seen him and one of the masked singers in the same room together ?
Look all I am saying is it a pretty big coincidence.
” When asked about why he would be on the show , Alice claimed to have some actual logical reasoning for it as opposed to how celebrity gossip usually works , “ He would be one of the best people for the show to get .
He is a master at masking atrocities and the show could @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
The show dresses up former D-list celebrities , chucks on a lot of reverb and clearly some auto-tune and claims they are an actual celebrity who can sing , it ’ s a lot what Kim does with his country whenever a reporter visits .
The show ’ s producers would be smart to look to North Korea as an example of how to pretend to be something good when you clearly are the worst.
” Some people have questioned the legitimacy of these rumours based on the logistical issues that would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Korea on the show , mainly pointing to the idea that if Kim Jong-Un was on the show he would force the residents of North Korea to watch the show .
However , many experts on North Korea have denounced this idea claiming , “ Even by Kim Jong-Un standards , forcing people to watch The Masked Singer would be a horribly cruel and inhumane act .
Not even Guantanamo Bay inmates are objected to that level of torture ” .

The celebrity gossip rumour mill is going crazy today over a new theory that has emerged about who is under one of the masks on the show The Masked Singer Australia. The latest theory claims that none other than tyrannical dictator that looks like an adult sized toddler, Kim Jong-Un. The theory stems from the production of the show being stopped due to health issues amongst the performers ‘coincidentally’ taking place at the same time as Kim Jong-Un is hospitalised due to a coma, a theory many are calling “about as truthful and important as most celebrity gossip”.
“I know it sounds crazy at first but here me out,” said Alice, a ‘celebrity expert’, “Like I know the show claims it’s because of coronavirus but the show is built on lies. Remember when they claimed that there would be celebrities on the show? So far, they have had people like what’s-his face, that one girl with that one song and Dave Hughes. So, I guess the least believable part would be that he is actually a house-hold name and way too famous for the show. Although, have you ever seen him and one of the masked singers in the same room together? Look all I am saying is it a pretty big coincidence.”
When asked about why he would be on the show, Alice claimed to have some actual logical reasoning for it as opposed to how celebrity gossip usually works, “He would be one of the best people for the show to get. He is a master at masking atrocities and the show could learn a thing or two from him. The show dresses up former D-list celebrities, chucks on a lot of reverb and clearly some auto-tune and claims they are an actual celebrity who can sing, it’s a lot what Kim does with his country whenever a reporter visits. The show’s producers would be smart to look to North Korea as an example of how to pretend to be something good when you clearly are the worst.”
Some people have questioned the legitimacy of these rumours based on the logistical issues that would arise from having the leader of North Korea on the show, mainly pointing to the idea that if Kim Jong-Un was on the show he would force the residents of North Korea to watch the show. However, many experts on North Korea have denounced this idea claiming, “Even by Kim Jong-Un standards, forcing people to watch The Masked Singer would be a horribly cruel and inhumane act. Not even Guantanamo Bay inmates are objected to that level of torture”.


thechaser--2020-08-24--Kim Jong-un’s browser history erased for fifth time this year

Aides to Kim Jong-un have erased his internet browser search history for the fifth time this year after rumours circulated @ @ @ @ @ dictator was close to death .
Kim Jong-un has left strict instructions with aides that @ @ @ @ @ immediately deleted upon his death .
However , the North Korean strong-man has complicated things @ @ @ @ @ after his aides removed the “ Admin ” folder on his hard drive , removed @ @ @ @ @ comment history and deleted his OnlyFans account .
Terms that were reportedly deleted this time @ @ @ @ @ phone number ” , “ princess anne fake anus ?
” and “ selfsucking ” @ @ @ @ @ whenever his history is deleted , but admits “ it ’ s better than the @ @ @

Aides to Kim Jong-un have erased his internet browser search history for the fifth time this year after rumours circulated online that the North Korean dictator was close to death.
Kim Jong-un has left strict instructions with aides that his browser history should be immediately deleted upon his death. However, the North Korean strong-man has complicated things by repeatedly not dying even after his aides removed the “Admin” folder on his hard drive, removed all trace of his Reddit comment history and deleted his OnlyFans account.
Terms that were reportedly deleted this time around include “Epstein new phone number”, “princess anne fake anus?” and “selfsucking”.
Kim is reportedly annoyed whenever his history is deleted, but admits “it’s better than the alternative.”


thechaser--2020-08-24--Shock that the Victorian Liberal Party is worth stacking

Political pundits have expressed shock today after it was revealed on 60 minutes last night that the Victorian Liberal Party had been subjected to a decade-long campaign of branch stacking .
“ I have no idea why on earth anyone would bother to stack it .
Clearly it wasn ’ t about improving the quality of the candidates , ” said one expert .
The Victorian Liberal Party is a minor party composed of failed former student politicians that was founded mainly so that the more successful Federal party could claim to have members in every state in Australia .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Marcus Bastiaan details plans to take over the Victorian Liberal Party and replace a swathe of mediocre white male MPs , with a whole different bunch of mediocre white males .
Federal Assistant Treasurer Michael Sukkar is also implicated in the scandal leading to calls from the Australian Labor Party for Mr Sukkar to be stood down over allegations he flouted internal party rules .
But Prime Minister Scott Morrison dismissed the calls .
“ Are you kidding ?
A total disregard for the rules ?
This guy deserves a promotion.
” Mr @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it was within the rules of the Victorian Liberal Party to recruit and elect mediocre white men .
“ In fact , it ’ s a requirement to be elected an MP .
Unless you ’ re a Chinese spy .
We also allow them , too .
”

Political pundits have expressed shock today after it was revealed on 60 minutes last night that the Victorian Liberal Party had been subjected to a decade-long campaign of branch stacking. “I have no idea why on earth anyone would bother to stack it. Clearly it wasn’t about improving the quality of the candidates,” said one expert.
The Victorian Liberal Party is a minor party composed of failed former student politicians that was founded mainly so that the more successful Federal party could claim to have members in every state in Australia.
In secretly recorded conversations, backroom powerbroker Marcus Bastiaan details plans to take over the Victorian Liberal Party and replace a swathe of mediocre white male MPs, with a whole different bunch of mediocre white males.
Federal Assistant Treasurer Michael Sukkar is also implicated in the scandal leading to calls from the Australian Labor Party for Mr Sukkar to be stood down over allegations he flouted internal party rules. But Prime Minister Scott Morrison dismissed the calls. “Are you kidding? A total disregard for the rules? This guy deserves a promotion.”
Mr Bastiaan defend his actions, saying that it was within the rules of the Victorian Liberal Party to recruit and elect mediocre white men. “In fact, it’s a requirement to be elected an MP. Unless you’re a Chinese spy. We also allow them, too.”


thechaser--2020-08-25--“Won’t somebody think of the children!” ask institutions that covered up decades of child abuse

Australia ’ s peak religious leaders have this week spoken out against using the results of one death to prevent millions of deaths , after declaring they will support the “ individual conscience ” of their followers if they choose to boycott a life saving vaccine over concerns about the materials used in its development .
“ I have it on good grounds that a cell or many cells may have touched this vaccine that originated from an abortion , ” explained Catholic Archbishop of Sydney Anthony Fisher , “ and as we all know the only thing that Catholics @ @ @ @ @ @ @ babies is our Homes for Wayward Mothers that sit above mass infant graves.
” “ The fact of the matter is that some of our followers may be forced to make the ethical decision to refuse this vaccine , ” explained Anglican archbishop Glenn Davies on Facebook .
“ After all we know Christians never , ever compromise around almost every issue in the bible .
Wait actually we do , which makes it good that opposing abortion is never actually mentioned in the bible .
In fact thinking back on the seven @ @ @ @ @ @ @ quite pro-babycide .
Anyway , point is , sorry no abortion cells .
We simply can ’ t support killing , and as such we ’ re all just going to have to die .
”

Australia’s peak religious leaders have this week spoken out against using the results of one death to prevent millions of deaths, after declaring they will support the “individual conscience” of their followers if they choose to boycott a life saving vaccine over concerns about the materials used in its development. “I have it on good grounds that a cell or many cells may have touched this vaccine that originated from an abortion,” explained Catholic Archbishop of Sydney Anthony Fisher, “and as we all know the only thing that Catholics believe should come into contact with dead babies is our Homes for Wayward Mothers that sit above mass infant graves.”
“The fact of the matter is that some of our followers may be forced to make the ethical decision to refuse this vaccine,” explained Anglican archbishop Glenn Davies on Facebook. “After all we know Christians never, ever compromise around almost every issue in the bible. Wait actually we do, which makes it good that opposing abortion is never actually mentioned in the bible. In fact thinking back on the seven plagues thing, God’s actually quite pro-babycide. Anyway, point is, sorry no abortion cells. We simply can’t support killing, and as such we’re all just going to have to die.”


thechaser--2020-08-26--Masked Singer contact tracers hit brick wall after failing to guess who the kitten is

You could be forgiven for thinking that the Masked Singer was the one show inadvertently equipped with its own in-built pandemic protection .
However it may have been this thinking that led to complacency .
Following a coronavirus outbreak on the set of The Masked Singer , an urgent operation has begun to try to bring the virus under control .
There was disappointment upon learning that the virus had already spread before the show had been able to reach its climactic finale .
Health officials tried to get the stars to take their masks off .
This was confusing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ officials , except those who had previously worked as hotel security guards .
Health officials tried using anti-terror laws to compel singers to show their faces by arguing that a full face mask is , technically , a burka , but it was to no avail as the religious freedom bill backfired again .
“ Blast !
” shouted one tracer .
“ That was supposed to stop the gays , not help the muslims !
” Future episodes of the masked singer will likely involve masked singers no longer being unmasked , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Rather the big finale reveal will focus on which contestants were infected , covering their story of recovery and who ’ s most to blame .
The game show has become life or death but is able to continue on as viewers are all provided with masks ( producers on the show got a rare bulk deal on masks ) , unless you ’ re a teacher or front line health work , in which case anything goes !
Based on his precarious employment Premier Daniel Andrews is expected to be an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ move News Corp have already panned as simply self-centered promotion before also slamming him for not showing his face enough on TV .

You could be forgiven for thinking that the Masked Singer was the one show inadvertently equipped with its own in-built pandemic protection. However it may have been this thinking that led to complacency. Following a coronavirus outbreak on the set of The Masked Singer, an urgent operation has begun to try to bring the virus under control. There was disappointment upon learning that the virus had already spread before the show had been able to reach its climactic finale.
Health officials tried to get the stars to take their masks off. This was confusing as it was a first for the officials, except those who had previously worked as hotel security guards. Health officials tried using anti-terror laws to compel singers to show their faces by arguing that a full face mask is, technically, a burka, but it was to no avail as the religious freedom bill backfired again. “Blast!” shouted one tracer. “That was supposed to stop the gays, not help the muslims!”
Future episodes of the masked singer will likely involve masked singers no longer being unmasked, at any point until they leave Victoria. Rather the big finale reveal will focus on which contestants were infected, covering their story of recovery and who’s most to blame. The game show has become life or death but is able to continue on as viewers are all provided with masks (producers on the show got a rare bulk deal on masks), unless you’re a teacher or front line health work, in which case anything goes!
Based on his precarious employment Premier Daniel Andrews is expected to be an upcoming contestant on the show, a move News Corp have already panned as simply self-centered promotion before also slamming him for not showing his face enough on TV.


thechaser--2020-08-26--George Pell caught having sex with new vaccine

A local man who just happens to share a name with a famous Catholic Priest , George ‘ Not that one for legal reasons ’ Pell has today been arrested attempting to have sex with the new COVID vaccine .
The man , who is definitely not that particular George Pell , said he suddenly became very sexually attracted to the vaccine around the time that he learned that it was made from the cells of children , and that he simply couldn ’ t control himself any longer .
“ Oh boy I just can ’ t get enough @ @ @ @ @ @ @ man who is definitely not Cardinal George Pell .
“ I definitely didn ’ t help cover up an epidemic of child molestations for years across multiple states while also accused of the same thing but got off Scott free because the courts demanded an impossible burden of proof .
Ho ho ho , boy wouldn ’ t that be awful .
Good thing I ’ m not Cardinal George Pell isn ’ t it everyone ?
” However , researchers have hit back at the claims that the vaccine contains children ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cells are actually 20 years old now and are clearly too old for George .
“ If anything that ’ s more in Alan Jones ’ ballpark , ” explained scientists .
“ Not that Alan mind you , another one.
” Update : Andrew Bolt has since come out in defence of Pell , stating that the vaccine was probably asking for it

A local man who just happens to share a name with a famous Catholic Priest, George ‘Not that one for legal reasons’ Pell has today been arrested attempting to have sex with the new COVID vaccine. The man, who is definitely not that particular George Pell, said he suddenly became very sexually attracted to the vaccine around the time that he learned that it was made from the cells of children, and that he simply couldn’t control himself any longer.
“Oh boy I just can’t get enough of fondling children,” said the man who is definitely not Cardinal George Pell. “I definitely didn’t help cover up an epidemic of child molestations for years across multiple states while also accused of the same thing but got off Scott free because the courts demanded an impossible burden of proof. Ho ho ho, boy wouldn’t that be awful. Good thing I’m not Cardinal George Pell isn’t it everyone?”
However, researchers have hit back at the claims that the vaccine contains children’s cells, pointing out that the cells are actually 20 years old now and are clearly too old for George. “If anything that’s more in Alan Jones’ ballpark,” explained scientists. “Not that Alan mind you, another one.”
Update: Andrew Bolt has since come out in defence of Pell, stating that the vaccine was probably asking for it


thechaser--2020-08-26--“If we defund police, who will you call to take your details and then not solve the crime?” asks pol

As debate surrounding police reform kicks off again after another shooting of an unarmed black man in America , the ‘ radical ’ idea of ‘ defunding the police ’ once again hit the headlines .
But police unions have now joined into the debate in order to put an end to a lot of the misinformation surrounding the role of police , calling for a more realistic debate about what police officers actually do .
Especially the idea that calling the police will ‘ stop the crime ’ and ‘ solve who did it ’ .
“ The primary @ @ @ @ @ @ @ take down your details and then never contact you again , ” said one police officer who wished to remain anonymous .
“ Picking on minorities is actually a very small proportion of my day.
” “ This isn ’ t Law and Order : SVU where we can show up , ask a few people questions and boom we solved it , ” one police officer told The Chaser .
“ We will work our hardest to take down your details and maybe even do a pencil sketch , but I doubt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Maybe you should talk to your insurance company instead.
” “ How will reducing police workload and funding by creating more community outreach programs and having mental health experts respond to crises evolving people in mental strife help anyone ?
” said one veteran cop .
“ We ’ ve tried forcing women and people of colour to trust us more , but they just never change , no matter how much violence we use on them .
If they ’ re not willing to change , why should we ?
” “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s ridiculous that we should be forced to change , just because it ’ ll improve the system .
They tried that in Norway , and now there ’ s hardly any need for police .
Do we really want to end up like that ?
”

“If we defund police, who will you call to take your details and then not solve the crime?” asks police union
As debate surrounding police reform kicks off again after another shooting of an unarmed black man in America, the ‘radical’ idea of ‘defunding the police’ once again hit the headlines. But police unions have now joined into the debate in order to put an end to a lot of the misinformation surrounding the role of police, calling for a more realistic debate about what police officers actually do. Especially the idea that calling the police will ‘stop the crime’ and ‘solve who did it’.
“The primary role of a police officer is to take down your details and then never contact you again,” said one police officer who wished to remain anonymous. “Picking on minorities is actually a very small proportion of my day.”
“This isn’t Law and Order: SVU where we can show up, ask a few people questions and boom we solved it,” one police officer told The Chaser. “We will work our hardest to take down your details and maybe even do a pencil sketch, but I doubt we could do more than that. Maybe you should talk to your insurance company instead.”
“How will reducing police workload and funding by creating more community outreach programs and having mental health experts respond to crises evolving people in mental strife help anyone?” said one veteran cop. “We’ve tried forcing women and people of colour to trust us more, but they just never change, no matter how much violence we use on them. If they’re not willing to change, why should we?”
“Personally, I just think it’s ridiculous that we should be forced to change, just because it’ll improve the system. They tried that in Norway, and now there’s hardly any need for police. Do we really want to end up like that?”


thechaser--2020-08-25--Albanese pledges bi-partisan support for Liberal Party branch-stacking

Labor Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese has pledged bipartisan support for the Liberal Party ’ s Victorian branch-stacking .
The Victorian @ @ @ @ @ in scandal since Sunday after shock revelations that anyone thought the Victorian Liberal Party was @ @ @ @ @ said branch-stacking was a sacrosanct activity above party politics and the Labor Party would support @ @ @ @ @ else the Liberal Party does .
He further offered Labor Party support to help advise @ @ @ @ @ they needed it .
“ There are a few graveyards I know that might come @ @ @ @ @ said he was pleased that the two parties could finally “ meet in the middle @ @ @ @ @ rather than the usual method of Mr Albanese just agreeing with whatever the Liberal Party @ @

Labor Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese has pledged bipartisan support for the Liberal Party’s Victorian branch-stacking.
The Victorian Liberal Party has been engulfed in scandal since Sunday after shock revelations that anyone thought the Victorian Liberal Party was worth stacking.
Mr Albanese said branch-stacking was a sacrosanct activity above party politics and the Labor Party would support it, along with everything else the Liberal Party does.
He further offered Labor Party support to help advise Liberal Party branch stackers if they needed it. “There are a few graveyards I know that might come in handy.”
Mr Albanese said he was pleased that the two parties could finally “meet in the middle” on an issue, rather than the usual method of Mr Albanese just agreeing with whatever the Liberal Party says.


thechaser--2020-08-28--Fears everyone at Smash Mouth concert may have COVID after exhibiting severe lack of taste

A recent sold out concert by popular rockband Smash Mouth has been hit with widespread condemnation this week after doctors confirmed it as a super spreader event for the coronavirus , causing a wave of infections across South Dakota .
Critics , who say the packed concert should never have gone ahead without appropriate social distancing , point out that it was obvious from the start that this would become a coronavirus hotspot , given all the attendees were already suffering from the telltale symptom of having no taste .
“ What were these people thinking , spending hours at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one outraged commentator .
“ Don ’ t they know that their only good song will be played for the encore so you might as well just turn up five minutes before the end to save yourself the trouble of having to sit through their difficult second , third , fourth , fifth and sixth albums.
” However , fans of Smash Mouth have hit back at critics , pointing out that Smash Mouth actually has two hits if you count that weird ‘ Walkin On The Sun ’ single that hasn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Look , yes we may have taken a risk , but there are worse things out we could do than risk a bit of corona at a Smash Mouth concert , ” explained one fan .
“ I mean just be thankful we weren ’ t at a Counting Crows concert .
Then you could guarantee that we ’ d all be violently ill .
”

A recent sold out concert by popular rockband Smash Mouth has been hit with widespread condemnation this week after doctors confirmed it as a super spreader event for the coronavirus, causing a wave of infections across South Dakota. Critics, who say the packed concert should never have gone ahead without appropriate social distancing, point out that it was obvious from the start that this would become a coronavirus hotspot, given all the attendees were already suffering from the telltale symptom of having no taste.
“What were these people thinking, spending hours at this jam packed concert!” asked one outraged commentator. “Don’t they know that their only good song will be played for the encore so you might as well just turn up five minutes before the end to save yourself the trouble of having to sit through their difficult second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth albums.”
However, fans of Smash Mouth have hit back at critics, pointing out that Smash Mouth actually has two hits if you count that weird ‘Walkin On The Sun’ single that hasn’t been played on radio since 1998. “Look, yes we may have taken a risk, but there are worse things out we could do than risk a bit of corona at a Smash Mouth concert,” explained one fan. “I mean just be thankful we weren’t at a Counting Crows concert. Then you could guarantee that we’d all be violently ill.”


thechaser--2020-08-28--Chris Kenny fires writer after pitching an idea that isn’t batshit

Self-declared free speech activist and guy who our legal team has asked us not to make that joke about , Chris Kenny , has today sacked one of his writing staff after pitching an idea that wasn ’ t absolutely batshit .
The writer formerly worked on the Sky News program “ Kenny on Media ” – a satirical Media Watch parody , much in the style of Colbert Report , which instead of calling out media lies and spin by countering it with facts , calls out fact-based journalism and counters it with lies and spin .
“ On @ @ @ @ @ @ @ writers who would pitch something like that , ” said Kenny while eyeing off a particularly [ redacted ] [ redacted ] .
“ My shows are built on the basis of me fighting against this cancel culture these constantly outraged snowflakes push , by sharing my perpetual outrage that the shows they push this propaganda on haven ’ t been cancelled.
” We tried to get a response from the man behind ‘ Chris Kenny ’ , but in a performance that rivals that of Sacha Baron Cohen , he committed to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the ABC , here at Foxtel we don ’ t receive funding from taxpayers , so we ’ re free from that kind of fact reliant bias that you get from editorial independent outlets .
When you turn on Sky News you can be sure you ’ re getting the complete , unfiltered views of a bunch of people with no formal qualification in the field their talking about , unless we.
” Update : Representatives for Kenny have reached out to us to clarify that News Corp does in fact receive tens @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he meant to say was that News doesn ’ t pay tax .

Self-declared free speech activist and guy who our legal team has asked us not to make that joke about, Chris Kenny, has today sacked one of his writing staff after pitching an idea that wasn’t absolutely batshit. The writer formerly worked on the Sky News program “Kenny on Media” – a satirical Media Watch parody, much in the style of Colbert Report, which instead of calling out media lies and spin by countering it with facts, calls out fact-based journalism and counters it with lies and spin.
“On my shows we have no room for writers who would pitch something like that,” said Kenny while eyeing off a particularly [redacted] [redacted]. “My shows are built on the basis of me fighting against this cancel culture these constantly outraged snowflakes push, by sharing my perpetual outrage that the shows they push this propaganda on haven’t been cancelled.”
We tried to get a response from the man behind ‘Chris Kenny’, but in a performance that rivals that of Sacha Baron Cohen, he committed to staying within character. “See unlike the ABC, here at Foxtel we don’t receive funding from taxpayers, so we’re free from that kind of fact reliant bias that you get from editorial independent outlets. When you turn on Sky News you can be sure you’re getting the complete, unfiltered views of a bunch of people with no formal qualification in the field their talking about, unless we.”
Update: Representatives for Kenny have reached out to us to clarify that News Corp does in fact receive tens of millions of taxpayer revenue. What he meant to say was that News doesn’t pay tax.


thechaser--2020-08-30--Tony Abbott fails as trade envoy after he successfully stops the boats

Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott has immediately blundered in his new role by stopping all the boats coming into and out of the UK .
Success in the position – trade envoy for Brexit – relies entirely on boats not being stopped .
Abbott had been offered the position after impressing Boris Johnson with a string of racist and sexist ‘ gaffes ’ .
But insiders say this latest mistake – fundamentally destroying the only thing he had to take care of – was part of a ‘ learning curve ’ but that he would only be allowed up to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ London , Abbott stated that only British things would be let into Britain from now on , like himself .
However , wearing a Union Jack napkin tucked into a three lions soccer shirt and visibly salivating , Abbott conceded that he had actually let one boat in – a coal barge full of raw onions .
The newly minted Brexiteer said that it was OK because they had come via a legitimate pathway , were a close personal friend of an important Brexit trade envoy and , most importantly , were mainly @ @ @

Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott has immediately blundered in his new role by stopping all the boats coming into and out of the UK. Success in the position – trade envoy for Brexit – relies entirely on boats not being stopped.
Abbott had been offered the position after impressing Boris Johnson with a string of racist and sexist ‘gaffes’. But insiders say this latest mistake – fundamentally destroying the only thing he had to take care of – was part of a ‘learning curve’ but that he would only be allowed up to 300 similar fuck ups.
Speaking from London, Abbott stated that only British things would be let into Britain from now on, like himself.
However, wearing a Union Jack napkin tucked into a three lions soccer shirt and visibly salivating, Abbott conceded that he had actually let one boat in – a coal barge full of raw onions. The newly minted Brexiteer said that it was OK because they had come via a legitimate pathway, were a close personal friend of an important Brexit trade envoy and, most importantly, were mainly white onions.


thechaser--2020-08-31--Calls for China to release Australian journalist and arrest Andrew Bolt instead

There has been widespread condemnation after Chinese authorities arrested and detained prominent TV news anchor Cheng Lei in China .
Critics said it was outrageous that Cheng Lei had been arrested when Andrew Bolt was allowed to roam free .
“ They should immediately release Cheng Lei , and replace her with Andrew Bolt , ” said a spokesperson for the Campaign for Press Freedom .
The spokesperson denied locking up Andrew Bolt would itself be a denial of press freedom .
“ Look , I ’ ll admit we probably shouldn ’ t be calling on a despotic regime @ @ @ @ @ @ @ media , but come on .
We ’ re talking about Andrew Bolt here .
I think we can all agree that we can make an exception in this circumstance.
” The calls have been met with a massive wave of support , especially in Andrew Bolt ’ s home state of Victoria , with 98 % of people supporting him being detained by the Chinese Communist Party .
“ A lot of people here know Andrew Bolt personally , so that naturally increases the proportion of people who support him being locked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Andrews is a dictator , wait till he gets a taste of Xi Jinping.
” The head of the Journalists Association said that locking up Andrew Bolt would represent a huge step against press freedom .
“ But gees it ’ d be good , ” he said .

Calls for China to release Australian journalist and arrest Andrew Bolt instead
There has been widespread condemnation after Chinese authorities arrested and detained prominent TV news anchor Cheng Lei in China.
Critics said it was outrageous that Cheng Lei had been arrested when Andrew Bolt was allowed to roam free.
“They should immediately release Cheng Lei, and replace her with Andrew Bolt,” said a spokesperson for the Campaign for Press Freedom.
The spokesperson denied locking up Andrew Bolt would itself be a denial of press freedom. “Look, I’ll admit we probably shouldn’t be calling on a despotic regime to be locking up members of the media, but come on. We’re talking about Andrew Bolt here. I think we can all agree that we can make an exception in this circumstance.”
The calls have been met with a massive wave of support, especially in Andrew Bolt’s home state of Victoria, with 98% of people supporting him being detained by the Chinese Communist Party.
“A lot of people here know Andrew Bolt personally, so that naturally increases the proportion of people who support him being locked up.”
“If he thinks Daniel Andrews is a dictator, wait till he gets a taste of Xi Jinping.”
The head of the Journalists Association said that locking up Andrew Bolt would represent a huge step against press freedom. “But gees it’d be good,” he said.


thechaser--2020-09-01--Daily Mail unaffected by Facebook ban on original news reporting

The Daily Mail ’ s Australian website will be unaffected by Facebook ’ s threat to ban original news reporting if changes the new code of conduct are introduced into Australia .
Under the new provisions , Facebook will be required to pay publishers of news content for the content they feature .
Facebook has threatened to ban all news content from its platform in retaliation .
However , because the Daily Mail doesn ’ t contain any actual news , it would be unaffected by the ban .
But the Daily Mail hit back at suggestions that its website @ @ @ @ @ @ @ press release defending its journalistic ethics .
It later admited that the press release was lifted from an article on Buzzfeed .
A spokesperson for Facebook said the new code was an outrageous example of the government doing its job .
“ It is outrageous that we would be expected to pay for content we use , ” said a spokesperson for Facebook .
A few moments later , The Daily Mail released the following statement : “ It is outrageous that we would be expected to pay for content we use.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been pushing for changes to media laws , which would see the government tax Facebook and Google for their use of news content , and then give those proceeds to Rupert Murdoch .
“ It ’ s just a way of funding the pay-offs that Murdoch receives shortly before every election , ” said one Liberal Party insider .
The ABC , which runs the largest news operation in Australia , will be excluded from the payments over fears the money would not be used to attack Daniel Andrews .

The Daily Mail’s Australian website will be unaffected by Facebook’s threat to ban original news reporting if changes the new code of conduct are introduced into Australia.
Under the new provisions, Facebook will be required to pay publishers of news content for the content they feature. Facebook has threatened to ban all news content from its platform in retaliation. However, because the Daily Mail doesn’t contain any actual news, it would be unaffected by the ban.
But the Daily Mail hit back at suggestions that its website lacks original reporting, issuing a scathing press release defending its journalistic ethics. It later admited that the press release was lifted from an article on Buzzfeed.
A spokesperson for Facebook said the new code was an outrageous example of the government doing its job. “It is outrageous that we would be expected to pay for content we use,” said a spokesperson for Facebook.
A few moments later, The Daily Mail released the following statement: “It is outrageous that we would be expected to pay for content we use.”
A consortium of powerful media companies have been pushing for changes to media laws, which would see the government tax Facebook and Google for their use of news content, and then give those proceeds to Rupert Murdoch. “It’s just a way of funding the pay-offs that Murdoch receives shortly before every election,” said one Liberal Party insider.
The ABC, which runs the largest news operation in Australia, will be excluded from the payments over fears the money would not be used to attack Daniel Andrews.


thechaser--2020-09-02--Thousands volunteer to become Australia Post executives to help clear backlog of bonuses

Australia Post has been flooded with offers of help after its executive team asked for unpaid volunteers to help clear the backlog of undelivered parcels .
However , the volunteers have overwhelmingly been interested in taking on senior executive roles after the CEO of Australia Post said there was a $ 7 million backlog of executive bonuses that need to be paid to senior management .
“ I don ’ t think I ’ d be very good at sorting parcels , ” said one volunteer .
“ But I reckon I ’ d make an excellent Australia Post senior @ @ @ @ @ @ @ good at sitting around .
And although I ’ ve never received a multi-million dollar bonus before , I reckon I ’ d be perfectly capable of handling that job.
” Another volunteer said she was concerned that she didn ’ t have the right skills for a senior management role at Australia Post , but she was willing to give it a try .
“ I tend to meet my deadlines , ” she said .
“ And I like to treat my staff with respect , so I really don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” When asked what the volunteer would do about the undelivered parcels , she said would just someone else to do it for free .
“ Ooh .
I think I ’ m getting the hang of this senior management thing !
”

Australia Post has been flooded with offers of help after its executive team asked for unpaid volunteers to help clear the backlog of undelivered parcels.
However, the volunteers have overwhelmingly been interested in taking on senior executive roles after the CEO of Australia Post said there was a $7 million backlog of executive bonuses that need to be paid to senior management.
“I don’t think I’d be very good at sorting parcels,” said one volunteer. “But I reckon I’d make an excellent Australia Post senior executive. I’ve always been good at sitting around. And although I’ve never received a multi-million dollar bonus before, I reckon I’d be perfectly capable of handling that job.”
Another volunteer said she was concerned that she didn’t have the right skills for a senior management role at Australia Post, but she was willing to give it a try. “I tend to meet my deadlines,” she said. “And I like to treat my staff with respect, so I really don’t think I’d fit in.”
When asked what the volunteer would do about the undelivered parcels, she said would just someone else to do it for free. “Ooh. I think I’m getting the hang of this senior management thing!”


thechaser--2020-09-02--Frydenberg confirms Australia in recession, Daniel Andrews to blame

Australia is officially in recession , according to new figures released by Josh Frydenberg on Wednesday .
Mr Frydenberg blamed the recession on a multiplicity of factors all of which are Daniel Andrews ’ fault .
“ Well we had the bushfires at the beginning of the year , ” said Mr Frydenberg .
“ And if Andrews hadn ’ t jetted off to Hawaii like that for an extened holiday , we wouldn ’ t have suffered so badly.
” “ Then came the global pandemic .
Sure I can see why people are quick to put the blame @ @ @ @ @ @ @ villian here is the Premier of Victoria .
If he hadn ’ t let all those passengers off the Ruby Princess , then Australia would probably have eliminated it by now , ” he told reporters .
Mr Frydenberg said that the only thing that had saved Australia from an even deeper crisis was the Tradie grants that nobody has taken up .
“ Imagine if we weren ’ t offering tradies the chance to increase the cost of all their quotes by $ 25,000 on works that they can ’ t carry @ @ @ @ @ @ @ happened then ?
”

Australia is officially in recession, according to new figures released by Josh Frydenberg on Wednesday. Mr Frydenberg blamed the recession on a multiplicity of factors all of which are Daniel Andrews’ fault.
“Well we had the bushfires at the beginning of the year,” said Mr Frydenberg. “And if Andrews hadn’t jetted off to Hawaii like that for an extened holiday, we wouldn’t have suffered so badly.”
“Then came the global pandemic. Sure I can see why people are quick to put the blame on the coronavirus, but the real villian here is the Premier of Victoria. If he hadn’t let all those passengers off the Ruby Princess, then Australia would probably have eliminated it by now,” he told reporters.
Mr Frydenberg said that the only thing that had saved Australia from an even deeper crisis was the Tradie grants that nobody has taken up. “Imagine if we weren’t offering tradies the chance to increase the cost of all their quotes by $25,000 on works that they can’t carry out in time? What would have happened then?”