thepoke--2020-03-30--This hilarious car advert proves that anything is possible in a lockdown

Being stuck indoors can either make people get cabin fever or find new and ingenious ways to entertain themselves – @ @ @ @ @ us , comedian Matt O ’ Brien falls into the latter category .
Check out @ @ @ @ @ s made – entirely in his own home .
Apart from the hotdog , that @ @ @ @ @ car advert .
It ’ s certainly an attention grabber – especially the hotdog .
@ @ @ @ @ of Matt ’ s labours , and this is what they ’ ve been saying @ @ @ @ @ like Adam Growe , have kept our quarantine achievements to a much lower standard .
@ @ @ @ @ ’ Brien ” has the wine reviews you didn ’ t even know you needed

Twitter
Being stuck indoors can either make people get cabin fever or find new and ingenious ways to entertain themselves – and others. Luckily for us, comedian Matt O’Brien falls into the latter category.
Check out the car advert he’s made – entirely in his own home.
if any car companies out there need a new commercial filmed just know I can safely make one from inside my apartment
pic.twitter.com/gd2mWYhJ1y — Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) March 27, 2020
Apart from the hotdog, that’s a fairly convincing car advert. It’s certainly an attention grabber – especially the hotdog.
Twitter users enjoyed the fruits of Matt’s labours, and this is what they’ve been saying.
This is, quite literally, every car commercial I’ve ever seen. https://t.co/CYfQgrhous — Northern 'Moral Hygiene' Blight (@TanQboy) March 27, 2020
Matt is helping keep us all sane at this difficult time https://t.co/ZxzHP3QZEw — Mr. Alec Bowman (@MrAlecBowman) March 27, 2020
I think @matt_obrien may have outdone himself with this one. Hilarious! https://t.co/GTdBsnLOuj — Steve Clay (@ClayOttawa) March 27, 2020
It’s comforting to know that all of us have lost our damn minds during this. https://t.co/U0THhsr6XY — Valerie Tosi Tiger Queen (@valerie_tosi) March 27, 2020
Most of us, like Adam Growe, have kept our quarantine achievements to a much lower standard.
I just bought eggs online. https://t.co/M9j2v8SH1e — Adam Growe (@AdamGrowe) March 27, 2020
We can’t drive our passion.
READ MORE
“Wine with Matt O’Brien” has the wine reviews you didn’t even know you needed
Source Matt O’Brien Image Matt O’Brien


thepoke--2020-03-30--14 WTF corporate messages that shouldn’t have gone out during a pandemic

Businesses run on advertising , even during a pandemic – perhaps especially during a pandemic , but there ’ s @ @ @ @ @ for saying certain things .
These are perfect examples of the wrong time or the @ @ @ @ @ .
2 .
The best time to talk to alumni about their wills is definitely @ @ @ @ @ Looks like Advance Auto Parts didn ’ t get the memo 4 .
No , @ @ @ @ @ GET OUTSIDE 5 .
Don ’ t go out for non-essentials – like pizza , @ @ @ @ @ better ingredients 6 .
Funnily enough , Bed , Bath and Beyond , yes there @ @ @ @ @ .
Oculus went straight for the jugular

Pics
Businesses run on advertising, even during a pandemic – perhaps especially during a pandemic, but there’s a time and a place for saying certain things.
These are perfect examples of the wrong time or the wrong place – or both.
1. Not now, Maggi
Via
2. The best time to talk to alumni about their wills is definitely during a pandemic
Via
3. Looks like Advance Auto Parts didn’t get the memo
Via
4. No, Scottslawn, we will not GET OUTSIDE
Via
5. Don’t go out for non-essentials – like pizza, even if it does have better ingredients
Via
6. Funnily enough, Bed, Bath and Beyond, yes there is someone at home
Via
7. Bad timing from Dunkin’ Donuts
Via
8. Oculus went straight for the jugular
Via


thepoke--2020-03-30--Trump celebrated signing the Covid-19 Bill by flouting social distancing – 7 clinical takedowns

Donald Trump has signed into law the Covid-19 Relief Bill , pledging $ 3 trillion to deal with the consequences @ @ @ @ @ Unfortunately , the President and those present seemed to have completely forgotten the advice about @ @ @ @ @ s not as though handing people pens would in any way risk transferring the virus @ @ @ @ @ say people couldn ’ t believe their eyes , but they could – they really @ @ @ @ @ all a ruse to make us more aware of what not to do .
Donald @ @ @ @ @ the ‘ Chinese virus ’ seriously – only 4 replies you need

News
Donald Trump has signed into law the Covid-19 Relief Bill, pledging $3 trillion to deal with the consequences of the coronavirus pandemic. Unfortunately, the President and those present seemed to have completely forgotten the advice about social distancing.
The President hands out pens after signing the bill pic.twitter.com/cjbvdDCQBd — Acyn Torabi (@Acyn) March 27, 2020
It’s not as though handing people pens would in any way risk transferring the virus.
from Barack Obama GIFs via Gfycat
We wish we could say people couldn’t believe their eyes, but they could – they really could.
1.
If you wrote something as on-the-nose stupid as this in the broadest of broad comedies about a deadly virus it would be rejected as too ridiculous and unbelievable.pic.twitter.com/CJuyUWE5jD — David Schneider (@davidschneider) March 28, 2020
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They all look like they know he’s giving them the virus but they’re not allowed to say no. — Adrian Edmondson (@AdrianEdmondson) March 28, 2020
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The Oprah Winfrey of pens https://t.co/XfEIjeY6n8 — Craig Deeley 🇪🇺🏳🌈 (@craiguito) March 28, 2020
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He personally handed them pens. That he touched. https://t.co/8m5owDAtOM — Randi Mayem Singer (@rmayemsinger) March 28, 2020
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It's almost as if populist climate change denying religious fundamentalists really don't understand even the basics of science. — Graeme Scarth Lloyd (@ScarthLloyd) March 28, 2020
Perhaps it was all a ruse to make us more aware of what not to do.
President helpfully provides spot-the-deliberate-error video during time of social distancing#Covidiot https://t.co/XQrzASMKU9 — Green💚Molly (@GreenPartyMolly) March 28, 2020
Narrator: It wasn’t.
READ MORE
Donald Trump said he always took the ‘Chinese virus’ seriously – only 4 replies you need
Source Acyn Torabi Image Global News


thepoke--2020-03-29--12 famous films given a makeover with these very funny fake quotes

We all have a stock of famous film quotes in our heads , even if some of them didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ as “ Play it again , Sam.
” or “ I am your father , @ @ @ @ @ tweeter , Michael – @ Home_Halfway – asked people to come up with deliberately wrong @ @ @ @ @ them a great example to set the ball rolling .
He received thousands of replies @ @ @ @ @ you dip into them to find your favourites , but these were the ones we @ @ @ @ @ Man , Jordan Peele , provided his own image for this scathing yet subtle indictment @ @ @ @ @ Oscar-nominated movie posters have been changed to tell the truth

Pics
We all have a stock of famous film quotes in our heads, even if some of them didn’t actually happen, such as “Play it again, Sam.” or “I am your father, Luke.”
The consistently funny tweeter, Michael – @Home_Halfway – asked people to come up with deliberately wrong quotes.
He even gave them a great example to set the ball rolling.
Reply to this tweet with a fake quote from a real movie. "It's mafia time, baby!" – The Godfather — Michael, Quarantine Edition 🌶 (@Home_Halfway) March 28, 2020
He received thousands of replies, so we recommend that you dip into them to find your favourites, but these were the ones we liked best.
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@AlanKelloggs
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@BobbyDumDum
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@The_Strawman
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@commuter_haiku
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@Banktonbear
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@benmekler
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@nott_so_sharp
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@TysGibbons
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@Homegrowngirl2
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@realsusandixon
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@Bosko_DePompo
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@Dominic_Noble
Modern Renaissance Man, Jordan Peele, provided his own image for this scathing yet subtle indictment of Donald Trump.
READ MORE
These Oscar-nominated movie posters have been changed to tell the truth
Source @Home_Halfway Image Insider.com


thepoke--2020-03-29--The only 5 reactions you need to the Mail trying to pin the PM’s virus on Michel Barnier

Betteridge ’ s Law states “ Any headline that ends in a question mark can be answered by the word @ @ @ @ @ , the Mail on Sunday ran this startling double-page piece .
We didn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ tell us the answer to that , and neither did these people .
Finally , @ @ @ @ @ about the Mail ’ s next suggestion .
This Daily Mail reader ’ s 13-point @ @ @ @ @ is so unhinged it ’ s magnificent

Twitter
Betteridge’s Law states “Any headline that ends in a question mark can be answered by the word no.”
In related news, the Mail on Sunday ran this startling double-page piece.
This is from tomorrow’s Mail on Sunday. “Could this be the ultimate revenge for Brexit?“ it begins. “This” being the suggestion that Barnier infected Johnson — i.e. it’s the EU’s fault — that #Covid_19 came to No. 10. That’s it: no more bottom to scrape. Utterly despicable. pic.twitter.com/9OIGUgzldd — Prof Tanja Bueltmann @🏠 (@cliodiaspora) March 28, 2020
We didn’t really need Mr. Betteridge to tell us the answer to that, and neither did these people.
1.
Hot on the heels of vaccine research? Of testing? Of decent PPE for the NHS? Nope: the noble journalists of the Mail on Sunday are hard at work trying to blame Johnson’s infection on the still-recovering Michel Barnier. What loathsome garbage. pic.twitter.com/AdLRIAwdhE — European Simon Staying Home (@NoRemainNoGain) March 29, 2020
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Good to see the Mail On Sunday focussing on the most important aspect of me testing positive – that it provides an opportunity to blame it on a foreigner.#CoronaUpdate #Covid_19 pic.twitter.com/hr8QE1SKvY — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) March 29, 2020
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Imagine Mail on Sunday had entitled piece “Did Nadine Dorries infect BoJo?” There’d be *hell* How can anyone know? That’s unfair on Dorries! Didn’t PM meet other infected people? (I’m not sure he even met Barnier this month) But Barnier’s French so it’s fair game for the Mail pic.twitter.com/LXBHvOKDJf — Jon Worth (@jonworth) March 29, 2020
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If not the EU’s fault, the steep British rise COVID19 cases must be blamed on China. The Mail on Sunday follows the line of Trump and Farage. Of course, none of this will help tackle the pandemic. But what a hateful job having to recycle xenophobia all day long. pic.twitter.com/bcV4Tn7hIN — Peter Jukes (@peterjukes) March 29, 2020
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Nadine Dorries tests positive March 10th Barnier tests positive March 19th Daily Heil : Barnier infects Bozo! F.F.S — Timo #citizenofnowhere (@timolarch) March 29, 2020
Finally, Paul Bernal had this suspicion about the Mail’s next suggestion.
Any day now, the Mail will be suggesting that Corbyn gave Johnson the virus. — Paul Bernal (@PaulbernalUK) March 29, 2020
READ MORE
This Daily Mail reader’s 13-point plan to improve the BBC is so unhinged it’s magnificent
Image @cliodiaspora


thepoke--2020-03-29--WATCH: ‘Elton John’ singing the theme to Only Fools And Horses

More evidence that this lockdown is bringing out some creative genius .
And it ’ s fair to say lots @ @ @ @ @ including this guy !
This family made their own nightclub to beat the stay at @ @ @ @ @ s a very funny watch

Twitter
More evidence that this lockdown is bringing out some creative genius.
From the looks of it, Twitter is now mostly a parade of terribly-lit people sat in front of Argos keyboards, so I can see no reason not to join in and add my party piece. Elton John singing the theme to Only Fools And Horses (originally done just to make @benbakerbooks laugh)! pic.twitter.com/URDnQTbSWf — Darrell Maclockdown (@maclockdown) March 28, 2020
And it’s fair to say lots of people loved it, including this guy!
Darrell-what can I say? It’s a joy. — John Challis (@BeingBoycie) March 28, 2020
READ MORE
This family made their own nightclub to beat the stay at home blues and it’s a very funny watch
Source @maclockdown


thepoke--2020-03-29--Lockdown Laughs: 10 things we’ve learned from the first week in self-isolation

With the UK nearing completion of its first week of lockdown – here ’ s some things we ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ ’ s not just the NHS that deserve a round of applause 5 .
People @ @ @ @ @ of crisis 6 .
Some will get their comeuppance 10 .
People have found their @ @ @ @ @ distancing

Exclusive
With the UK nearing completion of its first week of lockdown – here’s some things we’ve learned.
1. The little things matter
going ‘out’ is going for a walk but going ‘out out’ is going to tesco — hayley 🕸 (@thiccjudgejudy) March 28, 2020
2. People are sharing home grooming tips
Just doing my bit… pic.twitter.com/a5ER5f0V0E — Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) March 27, 2020
3. Celebrities are being thoughtful
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not. — James Blunt (@JamesBlunt) March 25, 2020
4. It’s not just the NHS that deserve a round of applause
5. People are ever resourceful in times of crisis
Had to order Penis Pasta from Ann Summers due to stock piling covidiots.
Here's my spaghetti bollocknaise 👍 pic.twitter.com/MReUfD4ZW6 — Rachel (@OpenMindMH) March 27, 2020
6. Some will get their comeuppance
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers. — Emma Manzini (@EmmaManzini) March 28, 2020
7. Dogs owners are concerned
Guys in six months all these dogs are going to have THE worst separation anxiety — Grant Ginder (@GrantGinder) March 28, 2020
8. KFC hoarding is ‘a thing’
Laughed at me they did. You can't freeze @KFC_UKI they said. Look at me now! The only man in Britain currently eating KFC. Victory. pic.twitter.com/StxFMuhRtT — Tim (@timoggy85) March 27, 2020
9. Dogs like dancing
My Dad is coping well with self isolation on his corner of Orkney pic.twitter.com/JoJk7CT24D — Andrew Skea (@ajskea) March 27, 2020
10. People have found their own ways to enforce social distancing


thepoke--2020-03-28--This hilarious self-isolation dance tutorial just made our week

Raising a smile in the midst a global pandemic takes some doing .
But Hollyoaks star Joe Tracini is inspiring @ @ @ @ @ funny dance tutorial .
Shot in his garden Tracini donned a leotard , and shares @ @ @ @ @ .

Exclusive
Raising a smile in the midst a global pandemic takes some doing.
But Hollyoaks star Joe Tracini is inspiring the nation with a ridiculously funny dance tutorial.
Shot in his garden Tracini donned a leotard, and shares his easy-to-learn viral dance steps.


thepoke--2020-03-27--This sports broadcaster commentated on his dogs rushing to eat their dinner and it’s brilliant

You ’ ve probably seen those brilliant commentaries on everyday life shared by commentator Nick Heath .
Now the BBC @ @ @ @ @ you ’ ll know his voice from rugby , golf , maybe the Boat Race @ @ @ @ @ skill and experience to good use by describing his dogs rushing to eat their dinner @ @ @ @ @ when you ’ ve got dogs ’ dinners ?
This commentator ’ s got no @ @ @ @ @ s commentating on everyday life and it ’ s brilliant AND STILL MORE The sports @ @ @ @ @ has been commentating on everyday things again and it just gets better

Videos
You’ve probably seen those brilliant commentaries on everyday life shared by commentator Nick Heath.
Now the BBC’s Andrew Cotter – you’ll know his voice from rugby, golf, maybe the Boat Race – has put all his skill and experience to good use by describing his dogs rushing to eat their dinner.
And it’s absolutely brilliant.
Wonderful.
That’s brilliant. And also compelling. Younger dog was robbed. — Dara Ó Briain (@daraobriain) March 27, 2020
Lot of people saying she should have had a restart, but they changed that rule in 1997 I think. — Andrew Cotter (@MrAndrewCotter) March 27, 2020
“Focused, relentless, tasting nothing” — Laurie Canter (@LaurieCanter) March 27, 2020
Without a hint of irony I can say this is the best 90 seconds of sport I’ve seen in weeks — James Roberts (@JamesRobertsUK) March 27, 2020
Worryingly, I must be equally as bored, as I am already looking forward to tomorrow’s rematch. — Scott Hamilton (@MyCarNeedsScott) March 27, 2020
Swapping of bowls at the end 😀😀 — taximan2002 (@taximan2002) March 27, 2020
Genius. The ‘get on with it’ tickled me 😂 — Jamie Roberts (@Jamiehuwroberts) March 27, 2020
Who needs live sport when you’ve got dogs’ dinners?
The champ is having a well-earned sleep. pic.twitter.com/WOiK9B3vpd — Andrew Cotter (@MrAndrewCotter) March 27, 2020
READ MORE
This commentator’s got no live sport so he’s commentating on everyday life and it’s brilliant
AND STILL MORE
The sports commentator with no live sport has been commentating on everyday things again and it just gets better
Source Twitter @MrAndrewCotter Image TVnewsroom


thepoke--2020-03-27--This Christian shop really didn’t get this quote and it’s the ultimate self-own

Self-own of the week goes to this Christian shop which really , really didn ’ t get the point of @ @ @ @ @ Doesn ’ t mean it won ’ t shift a copy or two , of @ @ @ @ @ t expect them to be returning customers .
The takedown of this person who defended @ @ @ @ @ was sheer perfection

Pics
Self-own of the week goes to this Christian shop which really, really didn’t get the point of this Mark Twain quote.
Doesn’t mean it won’t shift a copy or two, of course, just don’t expect them to be returning customers.
READ MORE
The takedown of this person who defended the Bible in its entirety was sheer perfection
Source Reddit ed u/solar_cube


thepoke--2020-03-31--WATCH: British family go viral with epic lockdown version of Les Misérables’ One Day More

A Kent family have gone viral after sharing a lockdown-themed rendition of a Les Misérables song .
The Marsh household @ @ @ @ @ , took to singing about things people had been complaining about yesterday amid the coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ been “ overwhelmed ” by the reaction to the video , which has 3.5 million @ @ @ @ @ is the last one we are going to do on a lockdown theme , but @ @ @ @ @ And it might be just in time to cheer up some friends and family who @ @ @ @ @ about to have – birthdays , all by themselves .
Decided to include a bit @ @ @ @ @ you can see what kind of madness Danielle Marsh and I would be dealing with @ @ @ @ @ occupy them with music making…Hope everyone out there is doing okay .
Dad Dr Ben @ @ @ @ @ at the University of Kent in Canterbury , told KentOnline his family have been overwhelmed @ @ @ @ @ views it has already received on Facebook .

Videos
A Kent family has gone viral after sharing a lockdown-themed rendition of the Les Misérables anthem ‘One Day More’.
The Marsh household, who live in Faversham, took to singing about things people had been complaining about amid the coronavirus pandemic.
The family have been “overwhelmed” by the reaction to the video, which has 3.5 million views on Facebook.
Dad Dr Ben Marsh, a history lecturer at the University of Kent in Canterbury, told KentOnline his family have been overwhelmed with the more than 400,000 views it has already received on Facebook.
READ MORE
This commentator’s got no live sport so he’s commentating on everyday life and it’s brilliant
Source Facebook Ben Marsh


thepoke--2020-03-31--For any parents needing some help entertaining the kids during the lockdown

Is the lockdown driving you a little bit crazy ?
Having a nightmare trying to keep the kids amused ?
@ @ @ @ @ I ’ ve got nothing to do ” on repeat ?
Then this game is @ @ @ @ @ hours of fun for the kids !
*Absolutely not guaranteed but it may keep them @ @ @ @ @ to drink a cup of tea whilst it ’ s still hot .
10 revealing @ @ @ @ @ with kids

Exclusive
Parents:
Is the lockdown driving you a little bit crazy? Having a nightmare trying to keep the kids amused? Fed up of hearing “I’ve got nothing to do” on repeat? Then this game is perfect for you.
Guaranteed* hours of fun for the kids!
*Absolutely not guaranteed but it may keep them entertained long enough for you to drink a cup of tea whilst it’s still hot.
READ MORE
10 revealing snapshots of life in quarantine with kids


thepoke--2020-03-31--Recognise the small achievements with Lockdown Reward Stickers for Adults

Being in a lockdown is bloody tough for everyone right now , so we ’ ve come up with some @ @ @ @ @ we feel should be recognised as pretty important daily achievements at the moment as we @ @ @ @ @ day .
Reward Stickers for Adults – because we ’ re worth it

Exclusive
Being in a lockdown is bloody tough for everyone right now, so we’ve come up with some adult reward stickers for things we feel should be recognised as pretty important daily achievements at the moment as we try to get through each day.
READ MORE
Reward Stickers for Adults – because we’re worth it


thepoke--2020-03-31--17 funny takes on the coronavirus to help keep your spirits up

There ’ s been a difference of opinion on the ten to one shot between police forces who are trying @ @ @ @ @ to helping people understand lockdown guidelines and those who *checks notes* take photos of you @ @ @ @ @ you for walking your dog in a national park .
Elsewhere , it looks like @ @ @ @ @ affected Dominic Cummings , who has stepped back to spend less time with his family @ @ @ @ @ infect them too .
Of course , the Twitter hilarity continues apace .

Twitter
There’s been a difference of opinion on the ten to one shot between police forces who are trying to take a friendly approach to helping people understand lockdown guidelines and those who *checks notes* take photos of you with drones and internet shame you for walking your dog in a national park.
Elsewhere, it looks like the curse of Westminster has affected Dominic Cummings, who has stepped back to spend less time with his family – unless he wants to infect them too.
Of course, the Twitter hilarity continues apace.
1.
pic.twitter.com/mBbT5iPXdE — La Oreja de Van Gogh (@laorejadevgogh) March 29, 2020
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In the park, someone has tried to cheer people up by chalking "You Got This!" on the ground. Literally the last thing you want to hear in a pandemic. — Frankie Boyle (@frankieboyle) March 29, 2020
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Raab today. We're about three briefings away from the Downing Street cat doing it, aren't we? — Stephen McGann (@StephenMcGann) March 30, 2020
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One positive out of all this hand washing is I can now use the back of my hand to grate cheese. — Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) March 30, 2020
5.
you see me walking down the street, looking shifty I approach you, get closer, but no closer than precisely two metres away from you I open my trenchcoat and wink taped to the lining of the coat are dozens of eggs my prices are very reasonable, I tell you you weep — Marie Le Conte (@youngvulgarian) March 30, 2020
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I can do this until June. I fear my son will spontaneously combust from adolescent sexual frustration. — David Baddiel (@Baddiel) March 29, 2020
8.
Homeschool question: what would we say is the right age to learn to play Shithead? — Lauren Laverne (@laurenlaverne) March 30, 2020
9.


thepoke--2020-03-31--“When your grandkids ask you about 2020” – Olaf Falafel has a song for that

The coronavirus pandemic is going to make a massive mark on history , and all of us might have to @ @ @ @ @ didn ’ t live through it .
Rather than scroll through web pages and videos @ @ @ @ @ by then , why not just sing them this song , by the amazingly talented @ @ @ @ @ a lot of people are going to memorise this for future use .
If you @ @ @ @ @ filling your unexpected free time than explaining it to kids in 30 years , head @ @ @ @ @ YouTube account for loads of content from comedians who are currently unable to perform to @ @ @ @ @ dress up as Jürgen Klopp ?
Olaf Falafel has the thrifty answer

Videos
The coronavirus pandemic is going to make a massive mark on history, and all of us might have to explain it to people who didn’t live through it.
Rather than scroll through web pages and videos, if they still exist by then, why not just sing them this song, by the amazingly talented Olaf Falafel?
When your grandkids ask you about 2020 pic.twitter.com/IQmyCc75Dw — Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) March 30, 2020
We suspect a lot of people are going to memorise this for future use.
This is bloody amazing https://t.co/qw43JICBlJ — Chris Purchase (@ChrisPurchase) March 31, 2020
Close the doors on 2020 Its done Bows https://t.co/RLc20Z5zlr — Barry Heap aka Bear Glitz (@Bear_Glitz) March 31, 2020
If you’re more worried about filling your unexpected free time than explaining it to kids in 30 years, head over to The Lost Comics YouTube account for loads of content from comedians who are currently unable to perform to live audiences.
READ MORE
Want to dress up as Jürgen Klopp? Olaf Falafel has the thrifty answer
Source Olaf Falafel Image Olaf Falafel


thepoke--2020-03-31--These 13 “old-person things” people do are a little too relatable

Over on Reddit , people are discussing the “ old-person things ” they do .
How many of them hit @ @ @ @ @ where you live ?
Finally , this person is going to be very glad of @ @ @ @ @ “ Trying to get old people to stay in ” is the funny but frustrating @

uncategorised
Over on Reddit, people are discussing the “old-person things” they do. How many of them hit a little too close to where you live?
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Finally, this person is going to be very glad of their particular old-person thing.
READ MORE
“Trying to get old people to stay in” is the funny but frustrating truth
Source r/AskReddit Image @cristian_newman on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-03-31--We flushed out the best toilet roll jokes – our 17 favourites

In a rapidly changing world , it ’ s good to know that there are some constants .
The sun @ @ @ @ @ still sing , and Donald Trump is still giving coronavirus updates within touching distance of @ @ @ @ @ many of whom are coughing and touching their faces .
Toilet roll jokes are another @ @ @ @ @ ve flushed out some of the best from the past few weeks and we present @ @ @ @ @ so you have something to read on the toilet .

Twitter
In a rapidly changing world, it’s good to know that there are some constants. The sun still rises, the birds still sing, and Donald Trump is still giving coronavirus updates within touching distance of a crowd of officials, many of whom are coughing and touching their faces.
Toilet roll jokes are another constant, so we’ve flushed out some of the best from the past few weeks and we present them for you now, so you have something to read on the toilet.
1.
Welcome to Britain. Supermarkets are now just mad max with trolleys. Toilet roll is the new currency. The government yell that all our nans will die from the safety of their quaratine blimp. A man yells 'keep calm and carry on' as he rugby tackles a 4yr old for the last marmite. — TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) March 15, 2020
2.
January 1st: "This is gonna be MY BEST YEAR EVER !!!" March 26th: "Wiping my arse with a Pot Noodle lid" — #Marcher (@MarcherLord1) March 26, 2020
3.
listening to new music is weird at the moment. Like, I really like The Weeknd's new album, but for the rest of my life it'll remind me of the year I had to wipe my ass with a sock — Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 25, 2020
4.
Ran out of toilet roll, so reduced to wiping my bum with lettuce leaves. I fear that's just the tip of the iceberg… — Maz (@Emwold1) March 14, 2020
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Day 6 of self-isolation and I’m barely halfway through my first loo-roll. Not even close to being wiped out. 💪🏻 — Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) March 26, 2020
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Single man with toilet rolls would like to meet a girl with hand sanitizer for some good clean fun. — Anthony Lock (@BrokenByWar) March 24, 2020
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Hi guys because of the toilet roll shortage everybody needs to seriously start putting their poo back up their bottom and keeping it there till this whole thing is sorted — Matt Lucas (@RealMattLucas) March 14, 2020
8.
I’m not worried about a shortage of toilet paper – I have set aside a substantial supply of things I can use instead:
-the Russia Report
-any briefing paper longer than 3 bullet points
-written complaints about Priti Patel#toiletpaperpanic #COVIDー19 — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) March 6, 2020
9.


thepoke--2020-03-31--The Room Next Door – President Trump feat. Boris Johnson

Politicians talking about the coronavirus pandemic could give Michael Spicer enough material to ensure he doesn ’ t sleep until @ @ @ @ @ to a horizontal line .
Wisely , he ’ s resisting the temptation to try @ @ @ @ @ parade of false statements , bad policies and blatant ignorance of social distancing rules , @ @ @ @ @ just a key moment .
Can ’ t see many people arguing with that assessment @ @ @ @ @ , split into two , on Twitter .
As usual , the room next door @ @ @ @ @ Comedian Shappi Khorsandi loved it so much , she wants a permanent reminder .
We @ @ @ @ @ Michael getting a tattoo of Shappi getting a tattoo .
Something to kill the hours @ @ @ @ @ nailed the scenes in the Room Next Door to Trump ’ s coronavirus update

Videos
Politicians talking about the coronavirus pandemic could give Michael Spicer enough material to ensure he doesn’t sleep until the curve has flattened back to a horizontal line.
Wisely, he’s resisting the temptation to try to keep up with the parade of false statements, bad policies and blatant ignorance of social distancing rules, and he’s selected just a key moment.
“I had you down as a useless picnic basket full of mince.“
Can’t see many people arguing with that assessment.
Michael posted the sketch, split into two, on Twitter.
the room next door – President Trump feat. Boris Johnson PART ONE pic.twitter.com/ubBbNEduSS — Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) March 30, 2020
the room next door – President Trump feat. Boris Johnson PART TWO pic.twitter.com/2bqh6tJZm6 — Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) March 30, 2020
As usual, the room next door spoke volumes to people.
Comedy tells the most truths per moment. #Coronavirus https://t.co/YxyW8z6W7G — Dr. Jack Brown (@DrGJackBrown) March 30, 2020
Oh I needed this today. Excellent stuff as ever! — Chaz Hutton (@chazhutton) March 30, 2020
Comedian Shappi Khorsandi loved it so much, she wants a permanent reminder.
‘I think he’s stuck, can someone nudge him?’ I’m going to get that tattooed on me — Shappi Khorsandi (@ShappiKhorsandi) March 30, 2020
I'm going to get a tattoo of you having it done. — Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) March 30, 2020
We should get a tattoo of Michael getting a tattoo of Shappi getting a tattoo. Something to kill the hours during quarantine.
READ MORE
Michael Spicer nailed the scenes in the Room Next Door to Trump’s coronavirus update
Source Michael Spicer Image Michael Spicer


thepoke--2020-03-31--This guy’s resemblance to the critic from Ratatouille is blowing people’s minds

TikTok star , Joe Mele , proved his dad has an uncanny likeness to the animated character , Anton Ego @ @ @ @ @ food critic in the Pixar film , Ratatouille .
Despite his reluctance , Mr. Mele @ @ @ @ @ and played along .
TikTok users were astonished at the resemblance .
The clip made @ @ @ @ @ where it went viral .
Even the voice of Remy , the rat chef from @ @ @ @ @ to comment .
Joe ’ s dad should start doing food reviews on TikTok .
@ @ @ @ @ hell out of that .
Someone did this with Disney and Pixar movies and not @ @ @ @ @ the result

Videos
TikTok star, Joe Mele, proved his dad has an uncanny likeness to the animated character, Anton Ego, who is the dreaded food critic in the Pixar film, Ratatouille.
Despite his reluctance, Mr. Mele Sr. was a good sport and played along.
Clearly, they’re nothing alike.
from Amazed GIFs via Gfycat
TikTok users were astonished at the resemblance.
The clip made its way onto Twitter, where it went viral.
This dude’s dad really looks like the food critic from Ratatouille 😂 pic.twitter.com/l4RWPrUbR3 — First We Feast (@firstwefeast) March 29, 2020
Even the voice of Remy, the rat chef from the film, was drawn to comment.
oh good LORD wow https://t.co/manegyEctT — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) March 30, 2020
Joe’s dad should start doing food reviews on TikTok. We’d watch the hell out of that.
READ MORE
Someone did this with Disney and Pixar movies and not everyone’s happy with the result
Source Joe Mele Image Joe Mele


thepoke--2020-03-31--The only 5 takes you need to read on Dominic Cummings getting coronavirus

Mere weeks after the UK government ’ s policy was to allow the population to develop herd immunity , and @ @ @ @ @ alleged to have suggested the death of some old people was a price worth paying @ @ @ @ @ symptoms .
He was last seen running from 10 Downing Street , shortly after it @ @ @ @ @ had tested positive .
Insert your own joke about stable doors .
There wasn ’ @ @ @ @ @ sympathy .
The very funny bunch at Have I Got News For You had a @ @ @ @ @ timescale .
Boris Johnson has been diagnosed with Covid-19 – the internet reacts

News
Mere weeks after the UK government’s policy was to allow the population to develop herd immunity, and advisor-in-chief, Dominic Cummings was alleged to have suggested the death of some old people was a price worth paying, Cummings himself has developed symptoms.
Downing Street adviser Dominic Cummings is self-isolating after developing COVID-19 symptoms — Sky News Breaking (@SkyNewsBreak) March 30, 2020
He was last seen running from 10 Downing Street, shortly after it was announced that the PM had tested positive. Insert your own joke about stable doors.
There wasn’t exactly an outpouring of sympathy.
1.
Today I learned you can’t merely peg it away from a virus https://t.co/TKSEeNW8zw — James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 30, 2020
2.
My thoughts are with the virus at this difficult time. https://t.co/FURoirAodW — Nick Pettigrew (@Nick_Pettigrew) March 30, 2020
3.
Welcome to the herd, Mr Cummings. — Ash Sarkar (@AyoCaesar) March 30, 2020
4.
Dominic Cummings is now self isolating with #coronavirus symptoms, but he will be able to continue to run the country from home — end of daves ❄ 🥕 🧻 (@davemacladd) March 30, 2020
5.
Cummings with corona symptoms? Will the last government member please switch off the lights – and then wash your fucking hands — Jenny Eclair (@jennyeclair) March 30, 2020
The very funny bunch at Have I Got News For You had a suggestion for Cummings’ isolation timescale.
As Dominic Cummings goes into self-isolation, doctors agree that about five years should do it. — Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) March 30, 2020
READ MORE
Boris Johnson has been diagnosed with Covid-19 – the internet reacts
Source Sky News Image Sky News, Sky News


thepoke--2020-03-31--There was a mad scramble to crack jokes about Easter eggs not being essential – 10 double-yolkers

For a while on Monday , Twitter was convinced that the police had been telling shops to stop stocking Easter @ @ @ @ @ ’ t essential ” .
It was like the time KFC ran out of chicken @ @ @ @ @ people have more time on their hands .
There was a scramble to crack jokes @ @ @ @ @ in to clarify matters , it only encouraged more pisstaking .
But it seems the @ @ @ @ @ Environmental Health , not the police , although we still can ’ t fathom their @ @ @ @ @ George Osborne , yes – George Osborne – was directed at the wrong people , @ @ @ @ @ nonetheless .
And we don ’ t mean stocks of Easter eggs from shops .
@ @ @ @ @ eggs that don ’ t have Easter on them anymore

News
For a while on Monday, Twitter was convinced that the police had been telling shops to stop stocking Easter eggs because they “aren’t essential”. It was like the time KFC ran out of chicken, only worse, because people have more time on their hands.
Small shops told Easter eggs are non-essential goods by police and local councils, trade body says https://t.co/eGbxmJXKcw — BBC News (UK) (@BBCNews) March 30, 2020
There was a scramble to crack jokes.
1.
“WE HAVE INFORMATION YOU’RE CARRYING NON-ESSENTIAL EASTER EGGS” pic.twitter.com/UrzFep0rpV — Dave 🍊 (@DavidB45212563) March 30, 2020
2.
Can’t even call them ‘essential’ Easter Eggs any more. — Balderdash (@notDcfcBoss) March 30, 2020
3.
Having visions of the police bursting into Waitrose with a battering ram because their Essentials range includes taramasalata, tinned artichoke hearts and brussels pâté https://t.co/tXrnIfyC36 — Dr Charlotte Lydia Riley (@lottelydia) March 30, 2020
4.
Oh no, the alt right are going to claim that Muslims banned Easter, aren’t they! — Jim Cognito (@JimCognito2016) March 30, 2020
5.
You can’t even have an Easter Egg anymore because of the M̶u̶s̶l̶i̶m̶s̶ police — Rick Burin (@rickburin) March 30, 2020
6.
Off to the shops for Easter Eggs🐰🐣 pic.twitter.com/RHWZHm7wfU — blumoon63 (@JCblumoon63) March 30, 2020
When Downing Street stepped in to clarify matters, it only encouraged more pisstaking.
7.
Throwing off the yolk of tyranny https://t.co/wxAmffNtd6 — madz_grant (@Madz_Grant) March 30, 2020
8.
Can we have a crackdown on over zealous policing? https://t.co/d9yhW9xz43 — James (@matkinsj) March 30, 2020
9.
Easter bunny released on bail as possession with intent to supply charges fall apart. https://t.co/2epZUZTRLe — John Johnston (@johnjohnstonmi) March 30, 2020
10.
the easter egg culture wars sure took a weird turn this year huh https://t.co/p1nzYQGhxI — (@PerthshireMags) March 30, 2020
But it seems the jobsworths in question were from Environmental Health, not the police, although we still can’t fathom their reasoning.
Hello, the concerns that we had from retailers were about a small number of incidents where environmental health officers were telling them that they shouldn't sell non essential goods like easter eggs. The police have not been involved with this issue. — ACS (@ACS_LocalShops) March 30, 2020
This rebuke from George Osborne, yes – George Osborne – was directed at the wrong people, but a wake-up call, nonetheless.
So many police officers are doing an incredible job in this crisis – but forces that are stopping shops selling Easter eggs, putting black dye into lakes, setting up check points and buzzing lone walkers with drones have lost all common sense, and are undermining public consent — George Osborne (@George_Osborne) March 30, 2020
And we don’t mean stocks of Easter eggs from shops.
READ MORE
4 infuriating examples of Easter eggs that don’t have Easter on them anymore
Source BBC, Image BBC, Giftpundits.com on Pexels


thepoke--2020-03-31--The payoff to this video about lockdown hair care made our day so much better

Over to @ Jaynesharp on Twitter who has some very helpful advice if you find yourself stuck at home and @ @ @ @ @ over to Jayne .
Still watching , and still laughing .
Lockdown Laughs : 10 @ @ @ @ @ from the first week in self-isolation

Videos
Over to @Jaynesharp on Twitter who has some very helpful advice if you find yourself stuck at home and unable to, well, over to Jayne.
Just doing my bit… pic.twitter.com/a5ER5f0V0E — Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) March 27, 2020
Still watching, and still laughing.
OMG as an NHS worker this is exactly what keeps us smiling you are so funny 🤣 — Mrs C (@EmmaCow123) March 27, 2020
Reason #2568 to love Jayne Sharp x — Press Team HQ (@adlynch) March 27, 2020
Follow @Jaynesharp now!
READ MORE
Lockdown Laughs: 10 things we’ve learned from the first week in self-isolation
Source @JayneSharp


thepoke--2020-03-31--This old Peep Show clip went viral because it totally nails our lockdown feelings right now

This old Peep Show clip went viral because it absolutely nails how so many of us are feeling right now @ @ @ @ @ discussions we are having at home – or in our head ) .
Peep Show @ @ @ @ @ up all the emotions !
pic.twitter.com/HXFiJFoL13 ‘ We ’ re in the netherzone , yeah @ @ @ @ @ different speed in the netherzone , we need to relax.
’ ‘ Because it ’ @ @ @ @ @ an emergency you watch breaking news and you count your tins of butter beans .
@ @ @ @ @ in the garden and put on Kiss FM.
’ ‘ Dude we are here for @ @ @ @ @ s chill out.
’ ‘ We have an obligation to be anxious , it ’ @ @ @ @ @ for the gravity of the situation.
’ ‘ Let ’ s get to know each @ @ @

This old Peep Show clip went viral because it absolutely nails how so many of us are feeling right now (and very possibly the discussions we are having at home – or in our head).
Peep Show does it again… neatly sums up all the emotions! pic.twitter.com/HXFiJFoL13
‘We’re in the netherzone, yeah? Time moves at a different speed in the netherzone, we need to relax.’
‘You can’t relax. We’ve got to fight, worry, speculate, cut, paste, swear …’
‘Why?’
‘Because it’s an emergency and in an emergency you watch breaking news and you count your tins of butter beans. You don’t sit in the garden and put on Kiss FM.’
‘Dude we are here for the duration, let’s chill out.’
‘We have an obligation to be anxious, it’s a mark of respect for the gravity of the situation.’
‘Let’s get to know each other.’
‘Oh for god’s sake.’


thepoke--2020-03-31--Kate Winslet’s giving Covid-19 advice because she was once in a film about a pandemic – 9 funniest r

Kate Winslet’s giving Covid-19 advice because she was once in a film about a pandemic – 9 funniest replies

It ’ s all very well getting advice from experts but there ’ s nothing like a celebrity to tell @ @ @ @ @ help prevent the spread of a global pandemic .
Especially if , like Kate Winslet @ @ @ @ @ Soderbergh ’ s Contagion , a film about a global pandemic .
And her Sky @ @ @ @ @ funny responses .
Here are our 9 favourites .
Simply 69 jokes by 69 very @ @ @ @ @ the edge off

Twitter
It’s all very well getting advice from experts but there’s nothing like a celebrity to tell you what to do to help prevent the spread of a global pandemic.
Especially if, like Kate Winslet, you starred in Steven Soderbergh’s Contagion, a film about a global pandemic.
Kate Winslet starred in the film Contagion about a hypothetical virus outbreak and gives tips on how to keep safe during the #coronavirus pandemic. Get the latest #COVID19 news here: https://t.co/N73jJGtK2W pic.twitter.com/cSTEgdxb6d — Sky News (@SkyNews) March 29, 2020
And her Sky News chat prompted some very funny responses. Here are our 9 favourites.
1.
Afterwards, Sam Neill will be giving advice on how to avoid being eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex when on your one permitted daily walk. https://t.co/pSIZDJUmS9 — Tim Rich (@timrich001) March 31, 2020
2.
And later … we’ll be talking to Mel Gibson about Scottish Freedom and what it would mean to him. — Kevin Ashford (@KevinAshford7) March 30, 2020
3.
Next up I want Kate Winslet’s advice on surviving a shipwreck and erasing all your memories after a bad relationship https://t.co/Jh2jqwwESa — Madeline Grant (@Madz_Grant) March 31, 2020
4.
Kate Winslet also played an ex-concentration camp guard in The Reader so I want her tried for war crimes. https://t.co/q0SD5LpwNV — Time's Carcass (@_Jack_Graham_) March 31, 2020
5.
Can’t wait for @NASA to get Arnold Schwarzeneggers advice on how to survive living on Mars and his thoughts on the planets atmosphere. — Rob (@RobMDK) March 31, 2020
6.
"Next, we'll hear from Robert Pattinson, who played vampire Edward Cullen in the Twilight saga, to give us some tips of living forever." https://t.co/4VNgnBIT6H — Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) March 31, 2020
7.
Kate Winslet is giving covid advice because she played a part in a film where there was a pandemic.
In that case I'm going to teach you all about how to survive a volcano eruption by showing you dead body positions like the part I played in a school play of Pompeii. — GeorgiaGoggleboxWobblebottom (@McCormicksGogg1) March 31, 2020
8.
just waiting to hear from Tom Hanks, star of Castaway, on how to survive living alone for years on end https://t.co/AQfSoRLgyM — Jim Pickard (@PickardJE) March 31, 2020
9.
hang on, she dies in the first 20 minutes I'm not listening to her https://t.co/lTe3cTd3vH — Alan White (@aljwhite) March 31, 2020
To conclude, this …
"I played an Epidemiologist" does not give you the right to offer the advice of one. My God, hasn't this crisis revealed just how many entitled prats there are in Hollywood? https://t.co/m3q4RExxgy — Darren Grimes (@darrengrimes_) March 30, 2020
READ MORE
Simply 69 jokes by 69 very funny comedians to help take the edge off


thepoke--2020-03-31--Sky News just interviewed Terry Waite about self-isolation – only 5 responses you need

It ’ s week two of the great lockdown and while it ’ s no doubt frustrating and difficult – @ @ @ @ @ others – it IS week two .
So when Sky News decided to interview Terry @ @ @ @ @ self-isolating , well , it ’ s fair to say some people thought it might @ @ @ @ @ .
Here are our favourite 5 responses .
And just in case you were wondering @ @ @ @ @ Winslet ’ s giving Covid-19 advice because she was once in a film about a @ @ @ @ @

Twitter
It’s week two of the great lockdown and while it’s no doubt frustrating and difficult – more difficult for some than others – it IS week two.
So when Sky News decided to interview Terry Waite about the challenge of self-isolating, well, it’s fair to say some people thought it might have been a little OTT.
Sky News interviewing Terry Waite on how to survive time in self-isolation….. pic.twitter.com/AFmzJBCkuY — Mike Barrett (@langcatmike) March 31, 2020
Here are our favourite 5 responses.
“We don’t want to panic viewers but here are some tips on surviving very long periods of isolation from former hostage Terry Waite.” — Jamie Glackin (@JamieGlackin1) March 31, 2020
https://twitter.com/EmmaCleanHands/status/1244984313025892355?s=20
Interviewing Terry Waite about "self isolation" reminds me of the great story Paddy Kielty told about Neil Armstrong checking into a hotel in Co.Kerry. The porter points to the view and says, "well now Mr Armstrong, did you ever in your life see anything as beautiful as that?" — Declan Lawn (@DecLawn) March 31, 2020
Terry Waite spent 4 & half years in prison without seeing any natural daylight and had to be blind folded when anyone entered his cell. I’m sure we can survive 12 weeks with our feet up in front of the TV — Kevin Gower © (@KGower83) March 31, 2020
https://twitter.com/nyorkstrinity/status/1244986422492311553?s=20
And just in case you were wondering what he said …
https://twitter.com/0812Siobhan/status/1244987111943610368?s=20
READ MORE
Kate Winslet’s giving Covid-19 advice because she was once in a film about a pandemic – 9 funniest replies


thepoke--2020-03-31--Toby Young just hit peak Toby Young – only 5 responses you need

Toby Young has called on the government to bring an early end to its coronavirus lockdown next month because he @ @ @ @ @ terms of lives being saved and money being spent – just don ’ t add @ @ @ @ @ in a piece for The Critic but @ byers90 has helpfully pulled out two passages @ @ @ @ @ : “ Toby Young here , not so much taking the mask off as dispensing @ @ @ @ @ Naturally Young started trending on Twitter – he must have been dismayed – and these @ @ @ @ @ up what ( most ) people were saying in response .
Someone thought Young was @ @ @ @ @ and the government had already tried this .
Not everyone disagreed with it though .
@ @ @ @ @ Richard Tice , for instance .
Which possibly tells you more than anything else .
@ @ @ @ @ a bit more NSFW .
17 funny takes on the coronavirus to help keep your @ @

Twitter
Toby Young has called on the government to bring an early end to its coronavirus lockdown next month because he says the numbers – in terms of lives being saved and money being spent – just don’t add up.
He said this in a piece for The Critic but @byers90 has helpfully pulled out two passages for your perusal, saying: “Toby Young here, not so much taking the mask off as dispensing with human form altogether.”
Here’s one bit.
And another.
Naturally Young started trending on Twitter – he must have been dismayed – and these 5 responses pretty much sum up what (most) people were saying in response.
1.
Hi Toby, I read all of that but couldn't find the bit where you specified which of your own close friends and family you are willing to sacrifice. Got an update on that? — Andy Vale (@AndyVale) March 31, 2020
2.
I'm not going to RT what Toby Young has said, because it just draws attention. But I will say I'm pleased I disowned him when I did because, really, it saved an awful lot of time. — Jay Rayner (@jayrayner1) March 31, 2020
3.
I know I promised my mum that I wouldn't swear online, but Toby Young can go and f*ck himself. Sorry, mum. This is Toby on why he thinks the lockdown should end on 14 April: pic.twitter.com/fEFDis3B9O — Lockdown. Stay in. Save lives. (@snigskitchen) March 31, 2020
4.
John Donne:
"Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee Toby Young
"These old people would have died anyway, what about my share portfolio?" — James Doleman (@jamesdoleman) March 31, 2020
5.
I don't think I've ever agreed with Toby Young before pic.twitter.com/H8wpEEFisW — Trizzy Gillespie (@BlackXList) March 31, 2020
Someone thought Young was a bit behind the times and the government had already tried this.
Was austerity not basically letting people die to save the economy? Have we not tried Toby Young's idea already? — Darren McGarvey (@lokiscottishrap) March 31, 2020
Not everyone disagreed with it though. People like Brexit Party chairman Richard Tice, for instance.
Essential reading @toadmeister on top analytical form even though he has the virus. https://t.co/GVFqJ48gxz — Richard Tice (@TiceRichard) March 31, 2020
Which possibly tells you more than anything else.
In short, this. …
Reminds me of the joke, why do people take an instant dislike to Toby Young? It saves time. — Phil John Goode (@PhilJohnGoode1) March 31, 2020
Or if you prefer it a bit more NSFW.
Toby Young really wants his own Top Cunts card doesn't he? — Dai Lama (@WelshDalaiLama) March 31, 2020
READ MORE
17 funny takes on the coronavirus to help keep your spirits up
Source @byers90


thepoke--2020-03-31--Simply 69 jokes by 69 very funny comedians to help take the edge off

We present 69 jokes by 69 very funny comedians in the hope it will help take the edge off the outside world for a moment or two .
Take it away Spike … “ I thought I ’ d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare , but then I thought , why should I ?
He never reads any of mine .
“ I have low self-esteem ; when we were in bed together , I would fantasise that I was someone else.
” “ I used to know a boy at school called ‘ Diarrhoea Dave ’ .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the only kid who could spell it.
” “ I ’ m so ugly .
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
” “ In your thirties your friends just disappear .
I don ’ t mean they die .
They all move to Birmingham , which is worse.
” Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home ?
Not enough.
’ “ A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for some chips.
” “ I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day .
I thought to myself – ‘ It ’ s not really impossible if he ’ s already done it twice . '
” “ I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight .
Guys , if you could blow yourselves , ladies , you ’ d be in this room alone right now .
Watching an empty stage.
” ‘ I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas , but is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , she says she ’ d rather have it in a cup.
’ “ I ’ m glad I ’ m not American .
When their kids are bad at something they send them to camp .
Fat kids go fat camp , if you can ’ t do maths you go to maths camp .
I was never very good at concentrating… ” “ A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train .
When it happened , he was chuffed to bits !
“

Popular
We present 69 jokes by 69 very funny comedians in the hope it will help take the edge off the outside world for a moment or two. Take it away Spike …
1. Spike Milligan
“I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
2. Larry David
“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.”
3. Steve Martin
“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”
4. Steven Wright
“All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.”
5. Richard Lewis
“I have low self-esteem; when we were in bed together, I would fantasise that I was someone else.”
6. Sean Lock
“I used to know a boy at school called ‘Diarrhoea Dave’. He got the name because he was the only kid who could spell it.”
7. Sara Pascoe
“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
8. Emo Phillips
“I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”
9. Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”
10. Woody Allen
“I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.”
11. Marcus Brigstocke
“If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.”
12. Lucy Porter
“In your thirties your friends just disappear. I don’t mean they die. They all move to Birmingham, which is worse.”
13. Jenny Eclair
Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.’
14. Nick Helm
“”I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
15. Frankie Boyle
“I lost my virginity to my mums best friend. My dad!”
16. Harry Hill
“A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish, imagine what he’d do for some chips.”
17. Mark Watson
“I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought to myself – ‘It’s not really impossible if he’s already done it twice.'”
18. Aisling Bea
‘What’s Postman Pat called on his holiday? Pat.’
19. Bill Hicks
“I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you’d be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.”
20. Stephen Fry
“I knelt to pick a buttercup. Why people leave buttocks lying around I’ll never know…”
21. Tom Stade
“I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it’s awkward”
22. Simon Munnery
“I wanted wine, women and song. I got a drunk woman singing”
23. Jerry Sadowitz
“I used to think I was great in bed until I realised all my girlfriends had asthma”
24. Eric Morecambe
‘I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas, but is she grateful? . . . No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup.’
25. Paul F Taylor
“I’m glad I’m not American. When their kids are bad at something they send them to camp. Fat kids go fat camp, if you can’t do maths you go to maths camp. I was never very good at concentrating…”
26. Russell Brand
“No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He’s been dining off ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ for 30 years. “
27. Alfie Moore
“I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.”
28. Tim Vine
“A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits! “
29. Eddie Izzard
“If you’ve never seen an elephant ski, you’ve never been on acid.”
30. Billy Connolly
“Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosy… doesn’t try it on.
31. Hannibal Burress
“People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works.”
32. Jo Brand
“The way to a man’s heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife. Although I don’t know why you’d bother, it’s not like there’s a cake there.”
33. George Carlin
“Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?”
34. Nish Kumar


thepoke--2020-04-01--The Llandudno goats are even better with a West Side Story soundtrack

You can ’ t have missed the news that a herd of Great Orme goats has been roaming free around @ @ @ @ @ the quarantine and the two-metre social distancing rule .
They probably haven ’ t even @ @ @ @ @ writer and actor , David Schneider was inspired by these two rewildings , and came @ @ @ @ @ s greater than the sum of its parts .
“ Llandudno is run by goats @ @ @ @ @ of the lockdown so far

Videos
You can’t have missed the news that a herd of Great Orme goats has been roaming free around Llandudno, blatantly ignoring both the quarantine and the two-metre social distancing rule.
They probably haven’t even washed their hooves.
Llandudno is run by goats pic.twitter.com/C7nENePcEA — Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 31, 2020
Meanwhile, in Bergamo, Italy …
While Llandudno has been taken over by wild goats, in Bergamo wild boar roam the streets. Sow boars are fiercely protective of their young. A better deterrent to unnecessary outings than police drones in Derbyshire?pic.twitter.com/Jw0MryGMUn — Tom Scott (@Tom___Scott) March 31, 2020
Comedy writer and actor, David Schneider was inspired by these two rewildings, and came up with something that’s greater than the sum of its parts.
The Llandudno goats are so much better with a West Side Story soundtrack. (thanks to @AndrewStuart and the Bergamo boars) pic.twitter.com/A71FumsGNa — David Schneider (@davidschneider) March 31, 2020
There’s a place for us …Llandudno.
READ MORE
“Llandudno is run by goats” – the oddest side-effect of the lockdown so far
Source David Schneider Image Andrew Stuart YouTube


thepoke--2020-04-01--19 of the funniest tweets about the coronavirus to help with the stress

It ’ s April Fools Day , so be extra wary of anything anyone says today – especially if it @ @ @ @ @ or treatment for Covid-19 .
What you can trust , however , is that these @ @ @ @ @ to make the best of a bad situation with a few jokes .

Twitter
It’s April Fools Day, so be extra wary of anything anyone says today – especially if it’s about a cure or treatment for Covid-19.
What you can trust, however, is that these people were all just trying to make the best of a bad situation with a few jokes.
1.
The planner on our kitchen wall makes me feel like I’m being taunted from another dimension by a happier version of myself. He’s full of tales of skiing holidays, drinks with friends and lucrative stand-up gigs. I hate the smug prick. — Ed Byrne (@MrEdByrne) March 31, 2020
2.
No Frosties left.
Told daughter cornflakes with a bit of sugar sprinkled on would be just the same. Breakfast this morning:
Her “Urgh this is disgusting”
Me (furious) launched into the “You’re lucky to have anything at all” speech.
Turns out I’d used self raising flour. — Fiona Dolman (@FionaDolman) March 31, 2020
3.
I’m at that point of isolation which swings perfectly between:
-We are all in this together, kindness to all humans ❤
And
-I can’t believe how insanely annoying every single human on this planet is — Nicola Coughlan (@nicolacoughlan) March 31, 2020
4.
Quarantine day 10.
Lynns just shouted down to me, “Michael, have you got a stabbing pain in your chest as if someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re sticking pins in it”? I said “No”? …….
She said “How about now”? — Michael Starke (@MichaelStarke57) March 31, 2020
5.
yesterday i gave my dog a middle part. have not read one single word of a book pic.twitter.com/4S8bsbWkVa — crissy (@crissymilazzo) March 30, 2020
6.
"I need to find my recorder" came the little voice from his bedroom.
No. NO YOU ABSOLUTELY DO NOT. — Rachel Hawkins (@ourrachblogs) March 31, 2020
7.
I guess I’ll never be able to lie to myself again about all the shit I would do if I just had the time. — Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) March 30, 2020
8.
I hate to say the boomers were right but I haven't bought a fancy coffee or brunch for two weeks and now I can afford a three bed house. — TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) March 31, 2020
9.
Has anyone got some of that wallpaper that looks like a bookshelf going spare? I might be on TV from my home during the lockdown and I want to blend in with everyone else. — Steve N Allen (@mrstevenallen) March 31, 2020
10.


thepoke--2020-04-01--“Every summer this shed collapses” – very sweary and absolutely hilarious

Everybody knows somebody who won ’ t give up on a lost cause – like this dad and his annually @ @ @ @ @ language might make your ears curl .
It got a lot of love on Twitter @ @ @ @ @ can of expanding foam went off on the shed and I ’ m now 6/4 @ @ @ @ @ s Turner Prize ” What he needs is a lovely bit of squirrel .

Videos
Everybody knows somebody who won’t give up on a lost cause – like this dad and his annually collapsing garden shed. The language might make your ears curl.
It got a lot of love on Twitter, too.
I am sorry but this is THE funniest fucking video I have ever seen in my life pic.twitter.com/l51MGz6Nt0 — Chloe Jenkinson (@chloejenks141) March 31, 2020
It's like Friday Night Dinner on acid. — Pebsy (@Pebs20) March 31, 2020
READ MORE
“A can of expanding foam went off on the shed and I’m now 6/4 on winning this year’s Turner Prize”
What he needs is a lovely bit of squirrel.
Source @bigboial69 on TikTok Image @bigboial69 on TikTok


thepoke--2020-04-01--An artist has been reimagining famous artworks with a quarantine theme

Many of our public spaces seem eerily deserted at the moment , as people remain in quarantine either to avoid @ @ @ @ @ Or , if they live in Llandudno – to avoid goats .
Artist Jose Manuel @ @ @ @ @ the most famous artworks with quarantine in mind , and they ’ re quite amazing @ @ @ @ @ of May 1808 , Goya If you thought artworks looked weird with the people removed @ @ @ @ @ these usually packed spaces .
People have been recreating works of art with things in @ @ @ @ @ favourites

Pics
Many of our public spaces seem eerily deserted at the moment, as people remain in quarantine either to avoid contracting or spreading Covid-19. Or, if they live in Llandudno – to avoid goats.
Artist Jose Manuel Ballester has reimagined some of the most famous artworks with quarantine in mind, and they’re quite amazing.
1. The Last Supper, da Vinci
2. The Birth of Venus, Botticelli
3. Las Meninas, Velázquez
4. Guernica, Picasso
5. The Third of May 1808, Goya
6. The Allegory of Painting, Vermeer
7. Christ Crucified, Velázquez
8. The Raft of Medusa, Géricault
If you thought artworks looked weird with the people removed, take a look at these usually packed spaces.
Exactly 24 hours since Boris Johnson’s address to the nation: the view up Regent Street St James’s to Piccadilly Circus pic.twitter.com/AkZq7G56LO — Nicholas Watt (@nicholaswatt) March 24, 2020
I never thought I’d live to see a deserted Times Square pic.twitter.com/dvIjC1Pvpk — Laura Martínez® (@miblogestublog) March 25, 2020
READ MORE
People have been recreating works of art with things in their homes – our 15 favourites
Source sadanduseless.com, Image sadanduseless.com


thepoke--2020-04-01--Top 10 excuses to get you out of that Zoom meeting

Just because meetings are via Zoom now , doesn ’ t mean people want to go to them any more @ @ @ @ @ One fed-up QC , the very funny @ DavidMuttering , asked Twitter for some creative @ @ @ @ @ them .
Twitter stepped up beautifully , but these were our ten favourites .
If @ @ @ @ @ , there ’ s no reason why it can ’ t work again .
Boris @ @ @ @ @ ducking his Andrew Neil interview is being destroyed with facts

Twitter
Just because meetings are via Zoom now, doesn’t mean people want to go to them any more than they usually do.
One fed-up QC, the very funny @DavidMuttering, asked Twitter for some creative excuses to help him avoid them.
Writers of Twitter – can you put your creative talents into thinking of excuses for the rest of us to avoid tedious meetings and unwelcome zoom drinks? Old favourites like "I'm sorry, I've got a thing that night" and "I'm not in London then, I'm afraid" no longer cut any ice. — David QC (@DavidMuttering) March 31, 2020
Twitter stepped up beautifully, but these were our ten favourites.
1.
"I'm sorry I have explosive diarrhea" usually works — ⚫staringatclouds❄🇬🇧🇪🇺#FBPE#BitchAgainstBrexit (@staringatclouds) March 31, 2020
2.
Flip it. Enthusiastically attend one. Behave outrageously. Offend everyone. Eat all the virtual canapes. You won’t be invited again. — Deborah Samuel (@deborahmsamuel) March 31, 2020
3.
“S.ry but th. inter..t si…l is v… b.d I do.t thi.k I ca. ma.. .t” — The Brumster (@BriefThat) March 31, 2020
4.
Poor connection due to kids playing Fortnite — MushyMelbowHead (@MushyMelbowHead) March 31, 2020
5.
Accept gracefully, then at the allotted time text ‘Has anyone got in? It’s not letting me join for some reason.’ — Boudicca of Suburbia (@BoudiccaMum) March 31, 2020
6.
I’m locked in attick. — Scott Innes (@Flying_Inside) March 31, 2020
7.
You’re busy getting shopping for elderly neighbours? — Mo' (@mocent0) March 31, 2020
8.
Sorry clashes with my boris walk — Leisha Bond (@Leisha007) March 31, 2020
9.
Pre-existing digital commitment. — Rebecca Major (@BecMajor) March 31, 2020
10.
I can’t find my clothes? — Damian Barr (@Damian_Barr) March 31, 2020
BONUS
If an excuse has worked once, there’s no reason why it can’t work again.
You could try Peter Cook’s line when asked to dinner with Andrew and Fergie. ‘I’m sorry, I find I’m watching television that evening.’ — Lev Parikian (@LevParikian) March 31, 2020
READ MORE
Boris Johnson’s excuse for ducking his Andrew Neil interview is being destroyed with facts
Source @DavidMuttering Image @AustinDistel on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-04-01--“Llandudno is run by goats” – the oddest side-effect of the lockdown so far

Because life isn ’ t weird enough right now , it seems that the Welsh town of Llandudno has become @ @ @ @ @ The story was broken by Andrew Stuart via this extraordinary thread .
It started a @ @ @ @ @ it seemed it might be something quirky that would soon be a hazy memory .
@ @ @ @ @ the police , and left them to deal with it .
The usually fairly timid @ @ @ @ @ bold .
There was no sign of them getting bored of their new routine .

Twitter
Because life isn’t weird enough right now, it seems that the Welsh town of Llandudno has become overrun by wandering goats.
The story was broken by Andrew Stuart via this extraordinary thread.
It started a few days ago, when it seemed it might be something quirky that would soon be a hazy memory.
I think I just got a group of goats in Llandudno arrested. Let me explain… first, I saw this from inside a dark pub (the one I live in currently). I thought I was seeing things. So I took some video: pic.twitter.com/RtxYG6htLC — Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 27, 2020
So I decided to see what was going on. They stopped on Trinity Square, and decided the hedges there looked very tasty (tbf, they probably are if you’re a goat 🐐) pic.twitter.com/Sz7WnoQGsd — Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 27, 2020
They weren’t moving from their midnight feast. And they were probably going to run riot on the town, what with nobody being about due to the lockdown. I also wasn’t sure if they were keeping the required 2m apart. pic.twitter.com/Yn69JWDV8p — Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 27, 2020
Andrew reported the invasion to the police, and left them to deal with it.
So I gave @NWPolice a call to tell them a load of kids (geddit?) were running riot (I didn’t actually say that… sadly). They said they’d pass it on to officers. pic.twitter.com/k1q28cfUi4 — Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 27, 2020
And they sent a patrol car down who turned on the big red lights. So, I’m sorry if the goats got arrested. But they were being very naughty. Also, close the gates behind you on the Orme. And stay 2m apart at all times. 🐐 🐐 🐐 pic.twitter.com/xczGrVoawL — Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 27, 2020
One more thing… so we get news alert emails from @Dataminr, like everywhere probably. Helps us find all sorts of breaking news. Never thought my goat tweets would make it into an alert 😂 Framing this one 🐐 pic.twitter.com/HDDclwO49U — Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 27, 2020
He added some updates.
Goat update: they’re back, and they’re gathering in groups of more than 2 🐐 pic.twitter.com/Bc2N42SPGo — Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 28, 2020
The usually fairly timid creatures were definitely becoming more bold.
Goats that dgaf 🐐 pic.twitter.com/OlJ1doZUEb — Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 28, 2020
They run Llandudno now and we just have to accept that as fact. Shenkin must be giving them tips from the Royal Welsh. pic.twitter.com/RaABUtWrDa — Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 30, 2020
There was no sign of them getting bored of their new routine.
They know exactly what they’re doing. Have some lunch from a bush and then go for a lie down in the churchyard pic.twitter.com/naUH7YPBbK — Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 30, 2020
I, for one, welcome our new goat overlords pic.twitter.com/Fk5x6XaCLM — Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 30, 2020


thepoke--2020-04-01--Celebrity Bake Off’s Alex Jones made something that looked frankly quite NSFW

Alex Jones of The One Show joined fellow celebrities James Blunt , Alison Hammond and Joe Sugg on the Great @ @ @ @ @ Up 2 Cancer , but it wasn ’ t her baking that got people talking @ @ @ @ @ model .
It did look a little NSFW , and perhaps alien .
These were @ @ @ @ @ ’ s… whatever that was .
To make matters even worse , host Sandi Toksvig @ @ @ @ @ meant to be her .
Thankfully , Alex said it wasn ’ t , or @ @ @ @ @ some very unwelcome mental images .
To take your mind off fondant fannies – here @ @ @ @ @ Alex Jones Bake Off moment .
Clean up on aisle 3 , somebody .

Pics
Alex Jones of The One Show joined fellow celebrities James Blunt, Alison Hammond and Joe Sugg on the Great Celebrity Bake Off for Stand Up 2 Cancer, but it wasn’t her baking that got people talking so much as her fondant model.
It did look a little NSFW, and perhaps alien.
These were the funniest reactions to Alex’s… whatever that was.
1.
WHY has Alex Jones made a fondant vagina? I’m calling the police #GBBO pic.twitter.com/nLUEdggqOV — mom (@ColonelGrace) March 31, 2020
2.
This? It's a cameo from the cute little alien that took @RichardDreyfuss into space in Close Encounters. #GBBO https://t.co/pXlGupCPxv — British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) March 31, 2020
3.
Did… did Alex Jones sculpt a very detailed fondant vulva? #GBBO — Kate Joester (@rebelraising) March 31, 2020
4.
5.
Alex Jones, can we have a word about your fondant lady? #gbbo pic.twitter.com/a50h63yapZ — Ariadne Griffin 🦋 (@Ariadne_Griffin) March 31, 2020
6.
Wait… did that little fondant figure have a giant vagina on show? #GBBO pic.twitter.com/hNH0urIM90 — Helen (@HelsTinyTiger) March 31, 2020
To make matters even worse, host Sandi Toksvig asked if the figure was meant to be her. Thankfully, Alex said it wasn’t, or there’d have been some very unwelcome mental images.
To take your mind off fondant fannies – here’s another very special Alex Jones Bake Off moment.
Clean up on aisle 3, somebody.
READ MORE
Louis Theroux’s Great British Bake Off entrance was simply brilliant
Image @ColonelGrace, Channel 4


thepoke--2020-04-01--Boris Johnson shared a screengrab of the Cabinet’s Zoom meeting – 9 points of order

Due to several members , including the PM and the Health Secretary , being in isolation for Covid-19 , the @ @ @ @ @ remotely .
There were a number of security breaches immediately visible .
They weren ’ @ @ @ @ @ He should ask for a refund for those I.T .
lessons he was having with @ @ @ @ @ our favourite reactions .
Comedian , Tiernan Douieb , gave us a proper look at @ @ @ @ @ more reliable than the usual bunch .
The only 5 reactions you need to Boris @ @ @ @ @ war cabinet ”

Twitter
Due to several members, including the PM and the Health Secretary, being in isolation for Covid-19, the UK cabinet held a meeting remotely.
This morning I chaired the first ever digital Cabinet. Our message to the public is: stay at home, protect the NHS, save lives. #StayHomeSaveLives pic.twitter.com/pgeRc3FHIp — Boris Johnson #StayHomeSaveLives (@BorisJohnson) March 31, 2020
There were a number of security breaches immediately visible.
Oh my god why are you still using Zoom you have an array of secure videoconferencing tools and you use a commercial app banned by the Ministry of Defence AND YOU’VE LEFT THE MEETING ID VISIBLE. https://t.co/0cdUvlNR8Y — Nick Stylianou (@nmsonline) March 31, 2020
They weren’t the only issues. He should ask for a refund for those I.T. lessons he was having with Jennifer Arcuri.
Here are our favourite reactions.
1.
I deliberately left the Zoom ID visible so that everyone can join the next meeting and tell us what a good job they think we're doing.
Simply enter the password 'JenniferA' https://t.co/hXP9sMoTxX — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) March 31, 2020
2.
why does every member of the cabinet on zoom look like they've somehow got caught in a tabloid sting buying cocaine in a knightsbridge buy to let luxury flat even though the middle man is someone known only as Kevin Crimes pic.twitter.com/wTFtYqtsqu — worm from home (@SzMarsupial) March 31, 2020
3.
So many questions – not least why they've published the Zoom ID and why the PM has muted everybody… https://t.co/22bc8UujFC — Pippa Crerar (@PippaCrerar) March 31, 2020
4.
Excellent me and my Cats will be joining you tomorrow🤪 https://t.co/wE2iFuky4R — Deborah Meaden (@DeborahMeaden) March 31, 2020
5.
I'm fascinated by this picture: – has Boris muted everyone else?
– have they all read that having a bookshelf behind you makes you look smarter?
– whose username is just "iPhone"?
– what do the numbers 739 mean to Michael Gove? https://t.co/024JoAHL7v — Megan Davies (@megdvs) March 31, 2020
6.
If anyone wants to join the 2pm Cabinet Zoom call tomorrow, the password is “HerdImmunity”. And if you were wondering, because Matt Hancock is self-isolating he has converted the broom cupboard into an office. pic.twitter.com/wKsQA7tyCZ — Stefan Simanowitz (@StefSimanowitz) March 31, 2020
7.
Netflix home screen is just documentaries about serial killers and specials by "edgy" comedians these days. https://t.co/mqwCvZ7nfp — Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) March 31, 2020
8.
Worst ever game of Guess Who… — Larry Mogridge 🇪🇺 (@Larry_Mogridge) March 31, 2020
9.
The dating site from hell. pic.twitter.com/bS6JXC1T9n — Tim Walker (@ThatTimWalker) March 31, 2020
Comedian, Tiernan Douieb, gave us a proper look at the cabinet.
Exclusive picture of the first ever digital Cabinet Office meeting via webcam. pic.twitter.com/27OKY71syQ — Tiernan Douieb (@TiernanDouieb) March 31, 2020
They seem more reliable than the usual bunch.
READ MORE
The only 5 reactions you need to Boris Johnson’s new “war cabinet”
Source Boris Johnson Image Boris Johnson


thepoke--2020-04-01--Someone checked how Trump got this S Korea fact so wrong and, well, make your own mind up

A very funny ( and mildly chilling ) insight now into how Donald Trump ’ s brain works and where @ @ @ @ @ , after he said South Korea ’ s capital city had a population of 38 @ @ @ @ @ speaking at a press conference about coronavirus where he told reporters he knew the country @ @ @ @ @ .
“ It ’ s a very tight – do you know how many people @ @ @ @ @ you know how big the city of Seoul is ?
38 million people .
That @ @ @ @ @ we have.
” Except Seoul ’ s population is actually just over 10 million .
@ @ @ @ @ ’ d find out how Trump might have got it wrong – and why he @ @ @ @ @ and specific ) about it .
And this is what he found .
The hilarity @ @ @ @ @ ‘ Population : 38 metres , ’ joked sergeantmartin who shared it over on Reddit @

Popular
A very funny (and mildly chilling) insight now into how Donald Trump’s brain might work and where he gets his facts from, after he said South Korea’s capital city had a population of 38 million people.
He was speaking at a press conference about coronavirus where he told reporters he knew the country “better than anybody”.
“It’s a very tight – do you know how many people are in Seoul? Do you know how big the city of Seoul is? 38 million people. That’s bigger than anything we have.”
Except Seoul’s population is actually just over 10 million. So Adam Bates thought he’d find out how Trump might have got it wrong – and why he was so far out (and specific) about it. And this is what he found.
Could just be a coincidence of course. But, well, make your own mind up.
‘Population: 38 metres,’ joked sergeantmartin who shared it over on Reddit.
READ MORE
Donald Trump claims to be a natural virologist – 8 sick burns
Source @AdamTaylorBates H/T Reddit u/sergeantmartin


thepoke--2020-04-01--This 16 y/o’s letter to the Times taking aim at her belittling elders is simply awesome

The 16-year-old who wrote this letter to the Times is a few years older now but it went viral all @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s so … awesome .
‘ A 16-year-old takes her shot and politely @ @ @ @ @ ’ wrote Redditor S0whaddayakn0w .

Popular
The 16-year-old who wrote this letter to the Times is a few years older now but it went viral all over again on Reddit because it’s so … awesome.
‘A 16-year-old takes her shot and politely dispatches her belittling elders,’ wrote Redditor S0whaddayakn0w.
And here it is, shared back then by the always followable @hendopolis on Twitter.
READ MORE
Simply 14 Fabulous Readers’ Letters
Source Reddit u/S0whaddayakn0w Twitter @hendopolis


thepoke--2020-04-01--Just a lovely takedown of this coronavirus sceptic casting doubt on the ‘mainstream media’

Strong contender for takedown of the week , as highlighted by meauho on Reddit .
We ’ d suggest he @ @ @ @ @ burn but the hospitals are busy enough already .
‘ Did I go too far @ @ @ @

Popular
Strong contender for takedown of the week, as highlighted by meauho on Reddit.
It’s Leilani Münter, a retired race car driver turned documentary filmmaker, just in case you’re interested.
We’d suggest he get some treatment for that burn but the hospitals are busy enough already.
READ MORE
‘Did I go too far? Surely not’
Source Reddit u/meauho


thepoke--2020-04-01--‘Did I go too far? Surely not’

‘Did I go too far? Surely not’

Leading exchange for Tinder ( at least , we think it ’ s Tinder ) exchange of the week comes @ @ @ @ @ for the person who asked this question , who we ’ re guessing had no @ @ @ @ @ and horrific ) response they were going to get .
‘ Did I go too @ @ @ @ @ ’ said thePrecision over on Reddit .
We ’ re off for a lie down @

Popular
Leading exchange for Tinder (at least, we think it’s Tinder) exchange of the week comes this.
Spare a thought for the person who asked this question, who we’re guessing had no idea just how detailed (and horrific) response they were going to get.
‘Did I go too far? Surely not,’ said thePrecision over on Reddit.
‘Thanks Linda’
We’re off for a lie down.
READ MORE
Ironic Tinder exchange of the week
Source u/thePrecision


thepoke--2020-04-01--This dad set a magical quest for his 3 y/o after she discovered the attic door and hearts were lifte

This dad set a magical quest for his 3 y/o after she discovered the attic door and hearts were lifted all over the world

This dad decided to do something special for his 3-year-old daughter after she spotted the door to the attic for @ @ @ @ @ decided to make her a magical trail which he then shared on Twitter .
It @ @ @ @ @ viral anyway but there ’ s something about where the world is right now that @ @ @ @ @ ever .
It ’ ll also encourage parents everywhere to try something similar .
Probably @ @ @ @ @ good though .
Over to you , @ VafeR .
And just a few of @ @ @ @ @ it .
This street ’ s ‘ socially distance dancing ’ to Tom Jones is @ @ @ @ @

Twitter
This dad decided to do something special for his 3-year-old daughter after she spotted the door to the attic for the first time.
He decided to make her a magical trail which he then shared on Twitter. It would no doubt have gone viral anyway but there’s something about where the world is right now that made it more popular than ever.
It’ll also encourage parents everywhere to try something similar. Probably won’t be as good though.
Over to you, @VafeR.
1.
Alright kids, gather round. A few of you may remember that my 3yo discovered a door in our ceiling, and has been asking about what’s inside. Her eyes were wide: “Papaí… there’s a DOOR… on our ROOF!!” pic.twitter.com/tPmVt4DVxh — Jason Robinson (@VafeR) March 30, 2020
2.
I’ve been stalling for a few weeks, but I told Emma we’d get a ladder and climb up there to see what’s behind the door. I happen to know there is… an OLD RUG up there. Meh. — Jason Robinson 🧷 (@VafeR) March 30, 2020
3.
Secret doors need TREASURE though. So, I went to Claire’s at the mall, and bought the SPARKLIEST little treasure box I could find. The photo doesn’t do it justice, it’s not “rose gold”… it’s both PINK and GOLD, in the most un-subtle of ways. pic.twitter.com/mNiwcUC8jK — Jason Robinson 🧷 (@VafeR) March 30, 2020
4.
So, that’s going to be sitting up there, locked. It will also have a TREASURE MAP taped to it. I mapped the little park-y area in front of our apartment, with landmarks she’s familiar with. Let me go find it for you. BRB. — Jason Robinson 🧷 (@VafeR) March 30, 2020
5.
Found it! (Also, I should have clarified previously: my trip to the mall was BEFORE all the social distancing. We are well, and properly sequestered.) pic.twitter.com/x4nB5HtyxX — Jason Robinson 🧷 (@VafeR) March 30, 2020
6.
The map (drawn by my mother in-law! 🥰) Marks a path of four familiar landmarks that Emma will know… pic.twitter.com/XiYC4N1d0n — Jason Robinson 🧷 (@VafeR) March 30, 2020
7.
…leading to a fifth! A pile of rocks and a pinecone, which I set up this morning atop a tiny irrigation tunnel. pic.twitter.com/NvGXIhfL9I — Jason Robinson 🧷 (@VafeR) March 30, 2020
8.
Pardon me while I go hide THIS ENVELOPE (which contains the key to the box) in the tunnel. 🤫 pic.twitter.com/kslLuNMtgx — Jason Robinson 🧷 (@VafeR) March 30, 2020
9.
Alright. Quest is set to begin. I’ll update you all later… We’re gonna go get a ladder. pic.twitter.com/3KRH1xYXFC — Jason Robinson 🧷 (@VafeR) March 30, 2020
10.
11.
So, the adventure was NOT disappointing. This GIF about sums it up though — the moment Emma placed the envelope on the map and realized it HAD THE SAME X! 🥰 pic.twitter.com/CDqQFvAt57 — Jason Robinson 🧷 (@VafeR) March 31, 2020
12.
Here is the moment she discovers the key 😂🤣! pic.twitter.com/PvcfTUyKOj — Jason Robinson 🧷 (@VafeR) March 31, 2020
13.
Since I know you’re all wondering… pic.twitter.com/NfZuCI31p7 — Jason Robinson 🧷 (@VafeR) March 31, 2020
14.
I mean: it’s plastic! But it’s SOOOOO SPARKLY. 🤩 pic.twitter.com/0oerm74vqy — Jason Robinson 🧷 (@VafeR) March 31, 2020
15.
16.
17.
Thanks for following us on this little adventure! Emma is feeling very princessy tonight. 👸🏽 Stay safe, friends. pic.twitter.com/Em8eZfI56v — Jason Robinson 🧷 (@VafeR) March 31, 2020
And just a few of the things people said about it.
This is literally the best thing ever. Doing this kind of stuff for you kid is just the best and I know how happy you were to do it.I used to love doing stuff like this for mine. 🙂 She is adorable. 🙂 — jax ☘ (@jaxbra) March 31, 2020
This gave me the biggest smile I've had in a few days. https://t.co/0z0o1Y8W1N — Phil Plait (@BadAstronomer) March 31, 2020
I’m 67, in lockdown in London, I think I enjoyed this adventure as much as your daughter! What a great dad you are. And I hope your adorable daughter will keep that necklace in her treasures for ever. Wishing you well from Across the Pond — Heather (@HeathertheHeron) March 31, 2020
These are my kind of people. A thread. https://t.co/snfcP8fO9q — Stonekettle (@Stonekettle) March 31, 2020
I made a treasure hunt for my daughter on her last birthday. She was thrilled. My daughter is 21 years old. — HelenO (@heleno1234) March 31, 2020
This thread will make your day. https://t.co/qzlwrmptI9 — Josie George (@porridgebrain) March 31, 2020
“I’m a great finder” is the best line ever. Thanks for sharing this adventure. — CharHop (@MrsCharHop) March 31, 2020
READ MORE
This street’s ‘socially distance dancing’ to Tom Jones is lifting people’s spirits
Source Twitter @VafeR


thepoke--2020-04-01--This street’s ‘socially distant dancing’ to Tom Jones is lifting people’s spirits

Well it ’ s one way of keeping fit and lifting your neighbours ’ spirits .
Daily social distance dancing @ @ @ @ @ obviously .
The clip went wildly viral after it was shared by @ elsalwilliams and @ @ @ @ @ watch for yourself .
And just in case you were wondering … Not everyone , @ @ @ @ @ run by goats ” – the oddest side-effect of the lockdown so far Source Twitter @ @

Videos
Well it’s one way of keeping fit and lifting your neighbours’ spirits. Daily social distance dancing, to Tom Jones, obviously.
The clip went wildly viral after it was shared by @elsalwilliams and, well, have a watch for yourself.
Socially distant dancing happens every day on our road at 11am during #lockdown. This was day seven.#Covid19 #StayHomeSaveLives pic.twitter.com/yBw2Q230CA — Elsa Williams (@elsalwilliams) March 31, 2020
And just in case you were wondering …
Had some people asking about the video—a local fitness instructor (Janet Woodcock) leads the sessions. Distance dancing only lasts 10 minutes a day so causes minimal disturbance. Mostly our road is kids and elderly residents who are self isolating, so they look forward to it. — Elsa Williams (@elsalwilliams) March 31, 2020
It was only meant to be a one time thing, but it lifted people round here up a bit and they wanted more. It’s also worth noting that our road hardly spoke to each other before all this! — Elsa Williams (@elsalwilliams) March 31, 2020
Most people are dancing in their drives. Anybody who looks a bit too close together live at the same residence. People’s health is paramount, so of course 2m+ distancing is maintained at all times. — Elsa Williams (@elsalwilliams) March 31, 2020
Btw, we live in the North West. London may well be horrified at this. — Elsa Williams (@elsalwilliams) March 31, 2020
Nobody is dancing in time. We know we’re not very good. Ultimately, it changes nothing. But for a few minutes every day, our little corner of the universe feels a bit less alone. That’s something. pic.twitter.com/K5bqLA2oqw — Elsa Williams (@elsalwilliams) March 31, 2020
Most people loved it.
Any houses for sale? I'm moving here 😂 — stinson (@StinsonHunter) March 31, 2020
I want to live on this road! — Saima Khan (@saimaxkhan) March 31, 2020
Not everyone, though.
This is absolutely not staying home and saving lives, this is in fact illegal. These people should be prosecuted to the full force of the law. — Matthew Murray (@Matthew__Murray) March 31, 2020
Mathew thank the lord for your sense! I absolutely agree but I also think they should all be killed, particularly the joyous ring leader in the mustard yellow roll neck! I was so disgusted at this positivity I immediately changed my screensaver to the burning gates of hell. — GARY USHER (@GaryUsher_Chef) April 1, 2020
To conclude …
Derbyshire police when they see this… pic.twitter.com/ZcsR2nSGOK — James Taylor (@jtweets92) March 31, 2020
READ MORE
“Llandudno is run by goats” – the oddest side-effect of the lockdown so far
Source Twitter @elsalwilliams


thepoke--2020-04-01--This kid’s April Fool was a very clever way of getting their parents to say yes to a dog

This kid ’ s April Fool ’ s Day stunt gets an A+ from us because it ’ s a @ @ @ @ @ their parents to agree to getting a dog .
Had no idea you could do @ @ @ @

Pics
This kid’s April Fool’s Day stunt gets an A+ from us because it’s a rather ingenious way of getting their parents to agree to getting a dog.
Made us smile, anyway.
My kid’s April Fools joke on me – setting up my phone’s autocorrect under the guise of needing to make a call then launching her great Whatsapp plan. pic.twitter.com/2DMwaC4PyE — hend amry (@LibyaLiberty) April 1, 2020
Had no idea you could do that with autocorrect.
She would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids. — hend amry (@LibyaLiberty) April 1, 2020
Earlier she asked me where I store the food dye so now I have to stay on high alert. — hend amry (@LibyaLiberty) April 1, 2020
You should get a dog though 😉 — The Wookie has no pants (@bulico) April 1, 2020
READ MORE
April Fool’s Day 2020 – the best pranks
Source Twitter @LibyaLiberty


thepoke--2020-04-02--More famous artworks made from household objects – 14 new pictures

We recently shared some fabulous homemade artworks inspired by the Los Angeles Getty Museum , after they tweeted out some @ @ @ @ @ you to recreate a work of art with objects ( and people ) in your @ @ @ @ @ favorite artwork 🥈 Find three things lying around your house⠀ 🥉 Recreate the artwork with @ @ @ @ @ us .
pic.twitter.com/9BNq35HY2V

We recently shared some fabulous homemade artworks inspired by the Los Angeles Getty Museum, after they tweeted out some inspiring examples.
We challenge you to recreate a work of art with objects (and people) in your home.
🥇 Choose your favorite artwork
🥈 Find three things lying around your house
🥉 Recreate the artwork with those items
And share with us. pic.twitter.com/9BNq35HY2V
— Getty (@GettyMuseum) March 25, 2020


thepoke--2020-04-02--You told us your caption ideas for that Boris Johnson Zoom image – our 14 favourites

With half of the Westminster massive displaying signs of Covid-19 and the UK under strict social-distancing rules , the Cabinet @ @ @ @ @ internet , from the comfort of their own second homes .
We thought it might @ @ @ @ @ take on the awkward image .
We were right .

Exclusive
With half of the Westminster massive displaying signs of Covid-19 and the UK under strict social-distancing rules, the Cabinet held a meeting via the internet, from the comfort of their own second homes.
You just know that 84% of this Zoom meeting was them saying “Hello. I’m here. Can you hear me?” and the other 16% was spent trying to tell Jacob Rees-Mogg to unmute his microphone. pic.twitter.com/JnngISMan8 — The Poke (@ThePoke) March 31, 2020
We thought it might be interesting to get your take on the awkward image.
We were right.
1.
Oh god this year's advent calendar is depressing https://t.co/WTScyMQ0Ew — Chris Purchase (@ChrisPurchase) March 31, 2020
2.
If you click Speaker View, does it shout "Ordaaaaah" at you? — Chris Delahunty (@chrisdelahunty) March 31, 2020
3.
If Carlsberg made dartboards… — Kevblokey 🏴 (@kevblokey) March 31, 2020
4.
The new version of Guess Who looks a lot harder — Jon Fox (@jonathanfox82) April 1, 2020
5.
The easiest Where’s Wally I’ve ever seen — Dave Rack 🇪🇺🇬🇧 (@Fireproof_Dave) April 1, 2020
6.
Tinder hits rock bottom….. — Karen aka skittery winter🏴❤🇪🇺 (@oneeyedlizzie) April 1, 2020
7.


thepoke--2020-04-02--17 lighter looks at the coronavirus to calm your nerves

The coronavirus updates issued by the UK government have become a source of scathing material for the newspapers – even @ @ @ @ @ Twitter has been ahead of that curve all along .
Alongside humorously holding the government @ @ @ @ @ on the crazy life we all lead now .

Twitter
The coronavirus updates issued by the UK government have become a source of scathing material for the newspapers – even their pet ones, but Twitter has been ahead of that curve all along.
Alongside humorously holding the government to account are fresh takes on the crazy life we all lead now.
Find your reality.
1.
Well this is enlightening. Turns out I’m expending more energy running from room to room to get away from my family than I did when I was able to roam abroad freely. pic.twitter.com/HuGSQ3kPGy — Lucy Porter (@lucyportercomic) March 31, 2020
2.
Solidly reassured by this daily briefing that there's no testing because we haven't tested the tests — Frankie Boyle (@frankieboyle) April 1, 2020
3.
Would it help if we all changed the colour of our passports? — James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) April 1, 2020
4.
Days are now divided by coffee hours and alcohol hours, there is no other law — Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) April 1, 2020
5.
What would it actually take for the standard response to “how are you” to stop being “fine thanks” because a pandemic hasn’t done it. Do climate cannibals have to be waiting outside our house with a big tub of marinade before we reply “you know what Janet, things are a bit off”. — James Felton (@JimMFelton) April 1, 2020
6.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can't accidentally touch your face or shake hands. — The Cultured Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) April 1, 2020
7.
I’m currently writing a period drama set seven weeks ago — tom jamieson (@jamiesont) March 31, 2020
8.


thepoke--2020-04-02--A boss got roasted after conducting an online meeting with a comedy potato filter

People for the American Way Political Director , Lizet Ocampo , conducted an entire remote meeting looking like a potato @ @ @ @ @ how to turn off the accidental filter .
The story was leaked by her colleague @ @ @ @ @ viral and has been liked by more than 9000 people in three days .
These @ @ @ @ @ hundreds of appreciative comments .
It ’ s possible that Lizet has started a trend @ @ @ @ @ , she posted this message .
It ’ s good to see she doesn ’ @ @ @ @ @ her shoulder .
This priest accidentally live streamed mass with the filters on and it @ @ @ @ @ all need right now

Pics
People for the American Way Political Director, Lizet Ocampo, conducted an entire remote meeting looking like a potato after being unable to fathom how to turn off the accidental filter.
The story was leaked by her colleague Rachele.
my boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and can’t figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting pic.twitter.com/uHLgJUOsXk — Rachele with an e but pronounced Rachel (@PettyClegg) March 30, 2020
The post went viral and has been liked by more than 9000 people in three days. These are a few of the hundreds of appreciative comments.
This is the funniest thing i have ever seen ever https://t.co/LwQVo4hBnO — realmattlucas (@RealMattLucas) March 31, 2020
ok this made me laugh https://t.co/YzNHJ39bYc — Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) March 31, 2020
Truly, we are one people https://t.co/OU1be0syus — rabia O'chaudry (@rabiasquared) March 31, 2020
The transformation triggered by the pandemic will, in many ways, be irreversible… https://t.co/HjVFwMc6VR — Erik Brynjolfsson (@erikbryn) March 31, 2020
It’s possible that Lizet has started a trend.
Ok how do I do this? https://t.co/DC6rA3eALS — Elizabeth Banks (@ElizabethBanks) April 1, 2020
With remarkable good grace, she posted this message.
I yam potato boss. You should see me in a crown, right @billieeilish? I yam glad this is making folks laugh at this time. Please stay planted at home and safe! For more needed laughs, follow my favorite comedian @cristela9 . Potate out. #HASHtag #PotatoBoss https://t.co/OxpidZc921 — LizetOcampo (@mlizetocampo) March 31, 2020
It’s good to see she doesn’t have a chip on her shoulder.
READ MORE
This priest accidentally live streamed mass with the filters on and it’s the content we all need right now
Source @PettyClegg Image @PettyClegg Lizet Ocampo


thepoke--2020-04-02--March has taken its toll and these 18 funny comparisons prove it

Over the course of March , people have been pushed to ever greater social distancing measures , leading to complete @ @ @ @ @ the media has brought largely bad news to an almost unprecedented degree .
It ’ @ @ @ @ @ most of us , so Twitter has been showing the effects with this comparison meme @

Pics
Over the course of March, people have been pushed to ever greater social distancing measures, leading to complete isolation for many, and the media has brought largely bad news to an almost unprecedented degree.
It’s taken its toll on most of us, so Twitter has been showing the effects with this comparison meme.
1.
2.
me on march 1 vs me on april 1 pic.twitter.com/UKzo3DIwt5 — Sam Stryker (@sbstryker) April 1, 2020
3.
March 1st vs. April 1st. pic.twitter.com/KprkxvId7G — Kyle MacLachlan (@Kyle_MacLachlan) April 1, 2020
4.
1st March vs 1st April pic.twitter.com/1Eac6XKWDs — Craig Deeley 🇪🇺🏳🌈 (@craiguito) April 1, 2020
5.
March 1st vs April 1st pic.twitter.com/zoZR4E2y02 — Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) April 1, 2020
6.
Me on March 1st v Me on April 1st pic.twitter.com/CYISN7IQsJ — New Town Flâneur (@NewTownFlaneur) April 1, 2020
7.
Okay, I'll play the March 1st v April 1st game🦁👑 pic.twitter.com/mInjXSuPBf — Joshua Keller Katz (@joskelkat) April 1, 2020
8.
March 1st vs March 31st pic.twitter.com/MJ7eFMjRQ4 — MrDodgy is not just a fool in April (@ChessProblem) April 1, 2020
9.


thepoke--2020-04-02--Phil Collins’ In The Air Tonight played on cupboard doors is the video we didn’t know we needed

Online distractions have probably never been more important than they are now , as so many of us are trapped @ @ @ @ @ re hugely grateful to the content creators performing stand-up from their living rooms , hosting @ @ @ @ @ sketches and *checks notes* using kitchen cupboard doors and drawers to recreate the most famous @ @ @ @ @ And there you have it – one of the greatest things we ’ ve seen @ @ @ @ @ been sharing it to the ever-hungry content consumer that is Twitter , where it ’ @ @ @ @ @ million times in less than two days .
We agree with Anne .
Not sure @ @ @ @ @ though .
This video of a deer perfectly paired with In The Air Tonight is @ @ @ @ @ now

Videos
Online distractions have probably never been more important than they are now, as so many of us are trapped indoors self-isolating.
We’re hugely grateful to the content creators performing stand-up from their living rooms, hosting live quizzes, recording funny sketches and *checks notes* using kitchen cupboard doors and drawers to recreate the most famous drum fill in pop.
And there you have it – one of the greatest things we’ve seen on TikTok.
People have been sharing it to the ever-hungry content consumer that is Twitter, where it’s been viewed almost two million times in less than two days.
In The Air Tonight drum solo: Quarantine edition pic.twitter.com/iwfHikau0d — Classic Dad Moves (@classicdad) March 31, 2020
Oh man this is good https://t.co/GzjEqsjagp — JP (@itmeJP) April 1, 2020
this is my favorite thing on the internet pic.twitter.com/RQtGIHRjfg — Anne Wheaton (@AnneWheaton) April 1, 2020
We agree with Anne. Not sure what Phil Collins thinks, though.
READ MORE
This video of a deer perfectly paired with In The Air Tonight is the LOL you need right now
Source @frankandtracy Image @frankandtracy