thepoke--2020-08-17--Lower your blood pressure with our top 10 tweets about the pandemic

This weekend saw travellers clamour to make it back to the UK from France , The Netherlands and Malta , @ @ @ @ @ before the requirement to self-quarantine for 14 days became compulsory .
It didn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ told people the rule took effect on Sunday , when it actually began at 4 @ @ @ @ @ morning on Saturday .
They should have asked Michael Green – he seems more organised @ @ @ @ @ just one aspect of the coronavirus crisis on people ’ s minds right now .
@ @ @ @ @ to dial down the stress a few notches

Twitter
This weekend saw travellers clamour to make it back to the UK from France, The Netherlands and Malta, among other holiday destinations, before the requirement to self-quarantine for 14 days became compulsory.
It didn’t help that Grant Shapps initially told people the rule took effect on Sunday, when it actually began at 4 o’clock in the morning on Saturday.
They should have asked Michael Green – he seems more organised.
The French quarantine is just one aspect of the coronavirus crisis on people’s minds right now.
1.
Public anger at sudden introduction of French quarantine, after Piers Morgan reveals it’s forced him to return to the UK. — Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) August 14, 2020
2.
I was SO smug about being single and happy before lockdown. Now though, I’ll make eye contact with a human being at traffic lights and I’m ‘WOW! THAT was a CONNECTION! WE shall be WED!’ — Shaparak Khorsandi (@ShappiKhorsandi) August 16, 2020
3.
New Zealand has 5 new cases of Covid19 – goes into lockdown The U.K has over 1000 cases of Covid19 per day-
Kids in school & you can go bowling — joe heenan (@joeheenan) August 15, 2020
4.
Just got the newsletter through from the Residents’ Association, and they’re all working very hard to make sure the scarecrow festival can go ahead this year so that’s taken a fucking huge weight off my mind. — 🏳🌈 Max 🏳🌈 (@SpillerOfTea) August 14, 2020
5.
The library is charging me late fees for a book. I can't return the book because the library has closed early due to covid. The library has also blocked the self-service drop-off due to covid. The book is Catch-22. — Nick Douglas (@toomuchnick) August 8, 2020
6.
Oh, so NOW we’re being sympathetic for desperate people crossing the channel? MAKE YOUR DAMN MIND UP. pic.twitter.com/SUEsdM2cVq — Beau(cial distancing) (@DrBeauBeaumont) August 15, 2020
7.
*sexting with TC in 2020 She: Are you picturing me naked right now Me: Maybe She: Go Wash your hands first — ʎɐɥɔ…⚖ (@Chay_Raghu) August 14, 2020
8.
No it was something else pic.twitter.com/wDvfVUrzU4 — josh 'Letterman' (oldfriend99) (@oldfriend99) August 13, 2020
9.
This is the origin story for the Dark Universe reboot of Phantom of the Opera https://t.co/z3TiEaNfph — henno (@jrhennessy) August 12, 2020
10.
What better way to avoid a massive influx of COVID-19 from abroad than declaring a short notice change in quarantine rules forcing people onto cramped boats and ferries in one go? — Dave Jones 🏴🏳🌈 (@WelshGasDoc) August 15, 2020
READ MORE
12 very funny pandemic jokes to dial down the stress a few notches
Image Screengrab


thepoke--2020-08-17--The photo on this “giant rat” article is straight out of a 1950s sci-fi film – the only 5 reactions

The photo on this “giant rat” article is straight out of a 1950s sci-fi film – the only 5 reactions you need

A recent Liverpool Echo article reported on very large rats apparently terrorising the residents of the Litherland area of Liverpool @ @ @ @ @ rat he ’ d seen as being so big he ’ d initially mistaken it @ @ @ @ @ that ’ s what led to this extraordinary take from the New York Post .
@ @ @ @ @ written the original piece , Kate Lally , was as amused by the bizarre image @ @ @ @ @ .
Rob , or @ Glitterbeard_ , asked the question on all our minds .
@ @ @ @ @ that needs to be said .
However , the people of Liverpool can rest easy @ @ @ @ @ ’ s sorted .
Housemates build real-life “ Mouse Trap ” to evict giant rat @ @ @ @ @ on video

Weird World
A recent Liverpool Echo article reported on very large rats apparently terrorising the residents of the Litherland area of Liverpool.
One man described a rat he’d seen as being so big he’d initially mistaken it for a rabbit, and that’s what led to this extraordinary take from the New York Post.
The journalist who’d written the original piece, Kate Lally, was as amused by the bizarre image as you’d expect.
I am absolutely creased here https://t.co/nh6ER1M10c — Kate Lynch. BLM🖤 (@katelallyx) August 16, 2020
Rob, or @Glitterbeard_, asked the question on all our minds.
How big do you think rabbits are https://t.co/mgsQvRaIg1 — Rob (@Glitterbeard_) August 16, 2020
These five reactions say everything that needs to be said.
1.
Klopp has just signed the one on the left as a spare left back. Big lad, but scurries down the wing like a good'un. https://t.co/qG2nVEzgkd — Stephen McGann (@StephenMcGann) August 16, 2020
2.
who had giant rats for 2020 bingo https://t.co/hiomcnrUPT — Liz (@Maristlizard) August 16, 2020
3.
.@CNN could you check if this photo has been doctored? https://t.co/AfZjOCDiC5 — pouncing david (@abracaddavid) August 16, 2020
4.
Welp, crossing Liverpool off my list of places to live if Trump wins the election. — Lauren – 79 Days – Blincoe (@laurenblincoe) August 15, 2020
5.
This is not photo shopped. Ratzilla is real. Ratzilla is dangerous. May God have mercy on our souls. https://t.co/BTqHvqVNDU — Zack Czajkowski (@ZackCz) August 16, 2020
However, the people of Liverpool can rest easy in their beds – it’s sorted.
Not on my watch. https://t.co/X5NE3MVJiM — Giant Military Cats (@giantcat9) August 16, 2020
via Gfycat
READ MORE
Housemates build real-life “Mouse Trap” to evict giant rat – and catch it all on video
Source New York Post H/T Liverpool Echo Image New York Post


thepoke--2020-08-17--Yellowstone National Park got one of the most unreasonable complaints of all time

Like any good holiday destination , Yellowstone National Park Lodges asks guests for feedback .
They can then use visitors ’ comments to improve their experience with , for example , extra blankets in the cabins , clearer instructions for using the facilities , more bears …wait , what ?
Our visit was wonderful but we never saw any bears .
Please train your bears to be where guests can see them .
This was an expensive trip to not get to see bears .
We ’ re sure they ’ ll get right on that .
In much the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this story .
I used to work in a US national park office .
By late summer the surrounding waterfalls were dried up .
We had a visitor come in to ask what time we turned the waterfalls on .
And another , from icerevolution21 Former northern lights tour guide from Iceland here .
I could not believe how many times I had to explain to ( mostly American ) tourists that the aurora borealis was in fact the result of solar activity and NOT something we could flip on and off like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ conclude that people leave their brains at home when they go on holiday .

Pics
Like any good holiday destination, Yellowstone National Park Lodges asks guests for feedback.
They can then use visitors’ comments to improve their experience with, for example, extra blankets in the cabins, clearer instructions for using the facilities, more bears …wait, what?
Our visit was wonderful but we never saw any bears. Please train your bears to be where guests can see them. This was an expensive trip to not get to see bears.
We’re sure they’ll get right on that.
In much the same vein, Reddit user monkeyhind shared this story.
I used to work in a US national park office. By late summer the surrounding waterfalls were dried up. We had a visitor come in to ask what time we turned the waterfalls on.
And another, from icerevolution21
Former northern lights tour guide from Iceland here. I could not believe how many times I had to explain to (mostly American) tourists that the aurora borealis was in fact the result of solar activity and NOT something we could flip on and off like a light switch.
We can only conclude that people leave their brains at home when they go on holiday.
READ MORE
Customer complaint of the week
Source r/Funny Image r/Funny, @marcosecchi on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-08-17--You won’t see a better way of dealing with unsolicited NSFW pics than this

It ’ s a sad fact that most women on Twitter , anecdotally , have received unsolicited and unwanted NSFW pictures via Direct Message .
There ’ s a tried and tested ‘ report , block , move on ’ policy practised by many people , but one woman found something with a little more kick .
Fruity Nessa shared the screenshots of her triumph .
Should you wish to use the idea , here ’ s the text .
“ This is an automated message generated by the Twitter team .
Your image has been found to be a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ( 2020 ) .
An image you sent has been scanned by our AI Bot and was flagged as an unsolicited picture .
Your account is scheduled to be reported to the police .
Our bot is currently in BETA testing ; sometimes it makes mistakes .
If you believe this message was in error , reply “ HELP ” Otherwise , you will be contacted by your local authorities within 24hrs.
“ Here ’ s what Twitter thought of the idea .
This woman has the perfect response for men who send @ @ @ @

Weird World
It’s a sad fact that most women on Twitter, anecdotally, have received unsolicited and unwanted NSFW pictures via Direct Message.
There’s a tried and tested ‘report, block, move on’ policy practised by many people, but one woman found something with a little more kick.
Fruity Nessa shared the screenshots of her triumph.
Remember – not safe for work!
I don't typically post dms but I was really proud of this one. pic.twitter.com/oDgLXeI8ho — Fruity Nessa 🍍 (@FruityNesa) August 12, 2020
Should you wish to use the idea, here’s the text.
“This is an automated message generated by the Twitter team. Your image has been found to be a violation of 42 U.S.C. § 1283 (2020). An image you sent has been scanned by our AI Bot and was flagged as an unsolicited picture. Your account is scheduled to be reported to the police. Our bot is currently in BETA testing; sometimes it makes mistakes. If you believe this message was in error, reply “HELP” Otherwise, you will be contacted by your local authorities within 24hrs.“
Here’s what Twitter thought of the idea.
I adore this and am going to use it myself on future dangers. — Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) August 13, 2020
Hands down the best response to an unsolicited dick pic I've ever seen. Take a bow. https://t.co/Zj1rS7EBAR — Shmariana Shmande (@ShmarianaGrande) August 12, 2020
As a guy, I feel somewhat responsible for insuring this toxic masculinity comes to an end. I love your response. Thanks for sharing! — Nicholas Beatrice (@nich_usde) August 12, 2020
I could feel the despair in that "HELP", i hope they learned a lesson. — BRET (@BretMeasor) August 12, 2020
In conclusion …
Excellent. If you send dick pics, remember that you are a dick. https://t.co/dIRI3YougW — Ian Seabrook (@HubNutVids) August 14, 2020
READ MORE
This woman has the perfect response for men who send her unsolicited dick pics
Source Fruity Nessa Image Fruity Nessa


thepoke--2020-08-17--‘Explaining 2020 to a coma patient’ is the hilariously brutal sketch we didn’t even know we needed

Let ’ s face it – 2020 has been wall-to-wall skip fires and it ’ s not even three quarters @ @ @ @ @ if someone had somehow missed it all and needed filling in on a few facts @ @ @ @ @ ?
Trey Kennedy ‘ s sketch takes a brutal turn , but then – so @ @ @ @ @ thing is he only covered about 40 percent of the horrible things that have happened @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Explaining the Pandemic to my Past Self ” is the funny and informative @ @ @ @ @ ’ d had

Videos
Let’s face it – 2020 has been wall-to-wall skip fires and it’s not even three quarters done yet, but imagine if someone had somehow missed it all and needed filling in on a few facts.
How might that look?
“Did I miss the Olympics?” “We all did.”
Trey Kennedy‘s sketch takes a brutal turn, but then – so did 2020.
A YouTube user named Lusty Leopard had this observation.
“Funny thing is he only covered about 40 percent of the horrible things that have happened thus far into the year.”
via Gfycat
READ MORE
“Explaining the Pandemic to my Past Self” is the funny and informative chat we all wish we’d had
Source Trey Kennedy Image Trey Kennedy


thepoke--2020-08-17--Simply the 10 funniest things people said about this dog’s dinner of a cooked breakfast

People speak in hushed tones of the Cream First or Second Scone Wars , not to mention the Battle of @ @ @ @ @ it will come as no surprise that when someone made a dog ’ s dinner @ @ @ @ @ , tweeters reached for the pitchforks .
And this was the main problem .
These @ @ @ @ @ While most people were losing it over the peas , Paul Bernal had a very @ @ @ @ @ also this … Look , all we are saying is give peas a chance .
@ @ @ @ @ to making ‘ British tea ’ has united the country in horror

Twitter
People speak in hushed tones of the Cream First or Second Scone Wars, not to mention the Battle of Defining Jaffa Cakes, so it will come as no surprise that when someone made a dog’s dinner of a full English breakfast, tweeters reached for the pitchforks.
Here’s the offending item.
Full English by Jessica O pic.twitter.com/zpihMon7o9 — Rate My Plate (@ratemyplatenow) August 15, 2020
And this was the main problem.
Who the fcuk has peas on a full English A psychopath, that’s who https://t.co/dHVv4y1K9i — Scouse Colossus (@ScouseColossus) August 15, 2020
These were our favourite reactions.
1.
Imagine carrying a child for 9 months for them to grow up and put peas on a full English https://t.co/Omle1IefJZ — Tom (@tommykieran22) August 16, 2020
2.
Does anyone know a good human rights lawyer? https://t.co/Za4Qs24w1G — Otto English (@Otto_English) August 15, 2020
3.
Burn it all to the ground. https://t.co/edYQGRGoex — Dave Turner (@mrdaveturner) August 15, 2020
4.
In what hellish universe created by an insane, merciless god which thrives on misery and suffering would fucking peas be included in a full fucking English ALONG WITH FUCKING BEANS? https://t.co/otod55LHqI — Luke Walker (@lukewalkerbooks) August 16, 2020
5.
Every day when I wake up, I thank the lord I'm Welsh. #PEASandBEANS https://t.co/gUXj2CJvqJ — Jay (@ArthBychan) August 16, 2020
6.
This is outright offensive. Who has peas on a full English https://t.co/TCPPAUyAFA — Tom Walker (@IamTomWalker) August 15, 2020
7.
8.
I’m still angry at this. So dangerous. If those beans and peas touch, the universe will implode. https://t.co/PZXp9nbYgd — Paul (@GforGinner) August 16, 2020
9.
Jessica O is an absolute pervert https://t.co/1n2CEB6FH6 — Kayleigh (@kylghlzbth) August 15, 2020
10.
Sorry Jessica O, but peas on a Full English is a hate crime. https://t.co/29h6cTopBd — Jack Duncan🔻 (@JackDunc1) August 16, 2020
While most people were losing it over the peas, Paul Bernal had a very different concern.
Hash browns? Delete your account. https://t.co/diB4zScdoy — Paul Bernal (@PaulbernalUK) August 15, 2020
There was also this …
Square plate wanker — Rupert Frere (@Rupert_Frere) August 15, 2020
Last word …honestly.
Something that pisses me off here is people who think they’re superior to others when it comes to full English breakfasts. UrGh baKEd bEAnS
yOuR bACoN isN’t cRiSpy eNoUgh
mUShrOOmS! YuK
YOuR yOLk iS tOO rUNny
toMatoEs🤢 Just STFU and let people eat their fry up how they want it — Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) August 16, 2020
Look, all we are saying is give peas a chance.
READ MORE
This American’s guide to making ‘British tea’ has united the country in horror
Source Rate My Plate Image Rate My Plate


thepoke--2020-08-17--Public Health England is to be replaced by a new body led by Dido Harding – 11 robust responses

After a series of disastrous revelations and statistics relating to their handling of the UK ’ s response to Covid-19 @ @ @ @ @ to be scrapped .
The important government update was released by the Telegraph ’ s @ @ @ @ @ thread , beginning at 9:34 on Saturday night .
The thread , like the article @ @ @ @ @ PHE ’ s replacement would be a new institute which would be formed by bringing @ @ @ @ @ body and combining them with the Test and Trace facilities – probably under the leadership @ @ @ @ @ s current head , Dido Harding .
Some people were thrilled by the news .
@ @ @ @ @ t .
Here are some of the best responses we saw .

News
After a series of disastrous revelations and statistics relating to their handling of the UK’s response to Covid-19, Public health England is to be scrapped.
The important government update was released by the Telegraph’s Christopher Hope via a Twitter thread, beginning at 9:34 on Saturday night.
EXCLUSIVE Sunday @Telegraph splash
Public Health England will be scrapped and replaced by a new body to protect country against a pandemic next month.
Matt Hancock to merge Covid-19 work of PHE with NHS Test and Trace to create National Institute for Health Protection. 1/ — Christopher Hope📝 (@christopherhope) August 15, 2020
The thread, like the article it heralded, explained that PHE’s replacement would be a new institute which would be formed by bringing science elements from the defunct body and combining them with the Test and Trace facilities – probably under the leadership of Test and Trace’s current head, Dido Harding.
Some people were thrilled by the news.
A lot more weren’t. Here are some of the best responses we saw.
1.
They’re doing that thing again. Announcing major policy decisions on Sat night via friendly hack. PHE being axed. Utter failure that is Test & Trace enlarged & superboosted. Dido ‘whoops-I-lost-your-data’ Harding in top job. A nation’s health. In hands of tiny group of cronies https://t.co/QRSodcVbIY — Carole Cadwalladr (@carolecadwalla) August 15, 2020
2.
Government to scrap Public Health England and merge it into NHS Test and Trace which is great news as the latter has been an absolutely world-beating success. https://t.co/nHfhn95nAj — David Schneider (@davidschneider) August 15, 2020
3.
Dido Harding is uniquely qualified to run this replacement for Public Health England. Not only has she overseen the shambolic test and trace operation and the massive data breach at TalkTalk, but she's married to a Tory MP who wants to scrap the NHS. https://t.co/QUv1080tav — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) August 16, 2020
4.
Surely even the government must know by now with their record this will be a disaster. But I suppose we can already predict it’ll be a shell company in Barbados owned by Matt Hancock’s second wife or something and she lists it on companies house as ‘a chicken farm.’ https://t.co/XEqn9dVuJY — Sophie Petzal (@Sonic_Screwup) August 15, 2020
5.
just because someone has messed things up before it doesn't necessarily mean they will… ah Dido Harding? sorry then yes it will be an absolute cataclysmic disaster — dave ❄ 🥕 🧻 (@davemacladd) August 16, 2020
6.
What could possibly go wrong? https://t.co/t7dqEWdyi3 — Deborah Meaden (@DeborahMeaden) August 15, 2020
7.


thepoke--2020-08-18--Is this the most guilty-looking – but cute – dog of all time?

This video of a beautiful golden retriever retrieving something has gone viral because – well , just look at it @ @ @ @ @ 6.6 million views on TikTok , Traci Grimley ’ s video was shared on Twitter @ @ @ @ @ another 4.4 million .
Who wouldn ’ t forgive that lovely face anything ?
13 @ @ @ @ @ they ’ d got away with it

Videos
This video of a beautiful golden retriever retrieving something has gone viral because – well, just look at it.
That face!
As well as having 6.6 million views on TikTok, Traci Grimley’s video was shared on Twitter, where it currently has another 4.4 million.
I have never seen a dog look so guilty pic.twitter.com/Oj1oqihafe — Fuck the Secret Police (@QuayMatt) August 15, 2020
The clip grabbed people’s attention.
@TeganMH This is you catching me doing literally anything untoward in the kitchen https://t.co/YBo9qWbwXW — Paul F Verhoeven (@paulverhoeven) August 16, 2020
Love this dog — Stu Schwartz (@StuntmanStu) August 16, 2020
Who wouldn’t forgive that lovely face anything?
READ MORE
13 guilty looking dogs who thought they’d got away with it
Source @tracigrimsley Image @tracigrimsley


thepoke--2020-08-18--Our 12 favourite funny things people said about this photo of Gavin Williamson

Gavin Williamson has been doing the rounds of the various news outlets who want to talk about his department ’ @ @ @ @ @ , and it ’ s fair to say it ’ s been a squirmfest of @ @ @ @ @ squirmy was the fact that he decided to mark the occasion with a photo , @ @ @ @ @ Rousseau , who beautifully captured the moments after the humiliating climb-down .
Kudos to Stefan @ @ @ @ @ Frank Spencer .
Inevitably , Twitter had a few jokes to make .
These were @ @ @ @ @ up with a theory behind the release of the photo .
The government was forced @ @ @ @ @ exam ’ grades – 17 A* reactions

Twitter
Gavin Williamson has been doing the rounds of the various news outlets who want to talk about his department’s U-turn on A-level grades, and it’s fair to say it’s been a squirmfest of epic proportions.
Just as squirmy was the fact that he decided to mark the occasion with a photo, shared here by photographer Stefan Rousseau, who beautifully captured the moments after the humiliating climb-down.
Photo du jour: Education Secretary @GavinWilliamson in his office at the Dept for Education today after announcing a change in the way A-Level grades will be awarded. By Stefan Rousseau/PA pic.twitter.com/yI3ICFEMBR — Stefan Rousseau (@StefanRousseau) August 17, 2020
Kudos to Stefan for filtering out so much Frank Spencer. Inevitably, Twitter had a few jokes to make.
These were our favourites.
1.
Who does a photoshoot after a gigantic balls up. Absolutely fucked these spreadsheets lads, somebody fetch the Nikon. https://t.co/DT26RdVaoi — James Felton (@JimMFelton) August 17, 2020
2.
He's completely naked underneath that desk… https://t.co/EABwCzTxnX — Stephen McGann (@StephenMcGann) August 17, 2020
3.
Omg now there's a man who is robust and reliable in his u-turns ammirite? 😍LOOK HOW SHINY IT ALL IS. https://t.co/3dzUmupnxV — Rosie Holt (@RosieisaHolt) August 17, 2020
4.
Interesting to see the fan in this photo, just before the shit hit it. https://t.co/dUtAteKyn0 — Nick Pettigrew (@Nick_Pettigrew) August 17, 2020
5.
Gavin Williamson, seen here just before realising that someone had stolen his curtains. pic.twitter.com/UFQqpKe61w — Mr Roger Quimbly (@RogerQuimbly) August 17, 2020
6.
"Can you clear your desk, Gavin?"
"If I take a long enough run up, Dominic " pic.twitter.com/jafvIzG8WB — Peter Smith (@Redpeter99) August 17, 2020
7.
"If you’re going to be angry, if you don’t mind being angry down the centre of the table. When this meeting is over, I’m taking this table back. It’s bloody useless." pic.twitter.com/wK56LAqt61 — Hannah O'Hanrahahanrahan (@buntyhoven) August 17, 2020
8.
You’re not Indiana Jones, you’re a very naughty boy. pic.twitter.com/O3yda2O5ZS — Malcolm Tucker Esq 🕷 (@Tucker5law) August 17, 2020
9.
the location of the cup is going to annoy me forever, it's too far away for his hand to reach easily if it's decorative he's got the blank side showing why gav why is the cup there having a mare here lad https://t.co/V8lXVMcqxM — Chris Boyd 🇬🇧🇵🇭 (@paperghost) August 17, 2020
10.
Shouldn't take him long to clear that desk… https://t.co/eBTD1AvqrN — Chris Miller (@chrismiller_uk) August 17, 2020
11.
Gavin is posing with a whip because he's a desk jockey not as some are saying, because he likes to cosplay as Indiana Jones. https://t.co/CWfuaDROfW — Michael Govern Ready (@mikegove12) August 17, 2020
12.
Can’t see the algorithm “until only last week” if you DON’T HAVE A FUCKING COMPUTER IN YOUR OFFICE. https://t.co/mwwX0RlfZh — Jack Underwood (@underwood_jack) August 17, 2020
AJC came up with a theory behind the release of the photo.
If this photo was taken yesterday it’s very sinister. It reminds Tory MP’s – who might be thinking of calling for his resignation – that he used to be chief whip and all their sordid secrets are still in his little red book. It’s ‘Peaky Blinders’ meets ‘Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em’ pic.twitter.com/vYjWjLlrA6 — AJC (@Gingerclaret) August 18, 2020
via Gfycat
READ MORE
The government was forced into a U-turn on ‘exam’ grades – 17 A* reactions
Source Stefan Rousseau Image Stefan Rousseau, Screengrab


thepoke--2020-08-18--This Facebook wind-up went in increasingly frustrating circles and it’s absolutely glorious

Sir Michael – @ Michael1979 on Twitter – has a real gift for winding up Facebook users with perfectly worded @ @ @ @ @ about underage drinking might be the best example yet .
Somewhere on Facebook , Jamie @ @ @ @ @ ’ t believe the idiot I ’ ve been speaking to about underage drinking.
” @ @ @ @ @ was horrified by the level of suspicion .
We truly hope Sir Michael ’ s @ @ @ @ @ rob us of this comedy gold .

Twitter
Sir Michael – @Michael1979 on Twitter – has a real gift for winding up Facebook users with perfectly worded misunderstandings. This recent discussion about underage drinking might be the best example yet.
Discussed underage drinking on Facebook today. Came pretty close to making some new friends 👍 pic.twitter.com/Jkg33btouh — Sir Michael (@Michael1979) August 17, 2020
Somewhere on Facebook, Jamie is saying “You won’t believe the idiot I’ve been speaking to about underage drinking.”
Here’s what Twitter thought of Sir Michael’s top trolling.
The last line https://t.co/K48n1Tlj8J — Diarmuid Lyng (@diarmuidlyng) August 17, 2020
Seeing these posts is like getting a present in the mail. — John (@DC_Union_Thug) August 17, 2020
You are the greatest wind-up merchant to ever wind. Never change. — Eoghan McDermott (@eoghanmcdermo) August 17, 2020
You’re better off without friends like Jackie and Jamie! I’ve never come across such small mindedness. They are looking at 5 year olds through rose tinted specs and have no idea of how conniving these little scamps can be. — Dom Dear (@northbankbloke) August 17, 2020
The very funny Jayne Sharp was horrified by the level of suspicion.
Has this Jamie chap ever even been 5?! Or 22?! Seems like he has no grasp on reality. If I was 5 and showed him my ID, I’d be thoroughly peeved if I had to leave the shop without my White Lightening! — Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) August 17, 2020
His lack of understanding of the law is embarrassing, imo. If you're 5 but you have a fake ID that says you're 22, you're legally 22. Everyone knows that — Sir Michael (@Michael1979) August 17, 2020
Sounds completely plausible. Adam Booth had a question.
Sacha baron Cohen says he is now too recognisable to do some undercover characters. I wonder if you get recognised for some wind ups? — adam booth (@adambooth3) August 17, 2020
Funny you should say that pic.twitter.com/3SBXWBNeDv — Sir Michael (@Michael1979) August 17, 2020
We truly hope Sir Michael’s internet fame doesn’t rob us of this comedy gold.
READ MORE
“Almost found some new clients today”
Source Sir Michael Image Sir Michael, @johnnymcclung on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-08-18--15 of the best (and worst) homemade Colin the Caterpillar cakes

Colin the Caterpillar , M & S ’ iconic chocolate cake – it ’ s a log with a face @ @ @ @ @ honest – is expanding , and not because he ’ s a very hungry caterpillar @ @ @ @ @ faces have been added to the range .
For some reason , perhaps because they @ @ @ @ @ make unnecessary shopping trips or pay lots of money , people have been decorating their @ @ @ @ @ Some of them could give M & S a run for their money – but @ @ @ @ @ ve been involved in a savage bird attack .
You decide which is which .

Pics
Colin the Caterpillar, M&S’ iconic chocolate cake – it’s a log with a face, let’s be honest – is expanding, and not because he’s a very hungry caterpillar but because mini chocolate Colin faces have been added to the range.
For some reason, perhaps because they don’t want to make unnecessary shopping trips or pay lots of money, people have been decorating their own versions of Colin.
Some of them could give M&S a run for their money – but some look like they’ve been involved in a savage bird attack.
You decide which is which.
1.
Oh lord, people have been pimping Swiss rolls to make their own Colins. A thread. pic.twitter.com/mObbhM1eBy — Mark Sweep (@riffraffhands) August 15, 2020
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7.
8.


thepoke--2020-08-18--Donald Trump tweeted “Save the Post Office” and everyone’s irony meters exploded – 11 perfect takedo

Donald Trump tweeted “Save the Post Office” and everyone’s irony meters exploded – 11 perfect takedowns

After months of trying to persuade US voters that mail-in ballots would be subject to huge levels of fraud , @ @ @ @ @ US Postal Service and replaced the Postmaster General with someone seemingly intent on dismantling the @ @ @ @ @ speculation that he was deliberately crippling the service to prevent mail-in ballots .
In one @ @ @ @ @ just say the quiet part out loud ?
” moments , Trump admitted it .
@ @ @ @ @ to highlight the importance of a functioning USPS .
You can imagine people ’ s @ @ @ @ @ on Monday evening , the President tweeted this : These were our favourite reactions .

Twitter
After months of trying to persuade US voters that mail-in ballots would be subject to huge levels of fraud, Donald Trump began defunding the US Postal Service and replaced the Postmaster General with someone seemingly intent on dismantling the institution.
It led to speculation that he was deliberately crippling the service to prevent mail-in ballots.
Stealing all the mailboxes to make sure you become president sounds like the plot of a Dr. Seuss book. — Yehudi "FUN FUN FUN" Mercado (@ymercado) August 15, 2020
On a scale of "when will we know that our democracy is in serious trouble?", an incumbent autocrat dismantling the national postal service in front of your eyes to prevent you voting is… well… a bit of a flag I reckon….. — Stephen McGann (@StephenMcGann) August 15, 2020
In one of those “Did he just say the quiet part out loud?” moments, Trump admitted it.
Trump this morning why he won’t fund US Postal Service. “Now they need that money in order to make the post office work so it can take all of these millions and millions of ballots … But if they don’t get those two items that means you can’t have universal mail-in voting.” pic.twitter.com/73NBmSnoNC — The Recount (@therecount) August 13, 2020
Barack Obama even stepped in to highlight the importance of a functioning USPS.
Everyone depends on the USPS. Seniors for their Social Security, veterans for their prescriptions, small businesses trying to keep their doors open. They can't be collateral damage for an administration more concerned with suppressing the vote than suppressing a virus. — Barack Obama (@BarackObama) August 14, 2020
Kumail Nanjiani reminisced about a working Post Office.
I’m old enough to remember restaurants, bars, theaters, outside and the post office. — Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) August 14, 2020
You can imagine people’s surprise, then, when on Monday evening, the President tweeted this:
SAVE THE POST OFFICE! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 17, 2020
via Gfycat
These were our favourite reactions.
1.
This is like Bowser saying SAVE THE PRINCESS https://t.co/Fk7a4Atfs7 — Brian Altano (@agentbizzle) August 17, 2020
2.
3.
Wait till this guy finds out what the President of the United States has been doing https://t.co/IMpEH7BPpp — Jamie McKelvie (@McKelvie) August 17, 2020
4.


thepoke--2020-08-18--The government was forced into a U-turn on ‘exam’ grades – 17 A* reactions

After days of chaos , heartache and widespread protest , the government has backed down over the use of its @ @ @ @ @ seen 40 per cent of A-levels awarded a grade below the expected one – some @ @ @ @ @ Education Secretary , Gavin Williamson , had criticised Scotland ’ s Education Department for a @ @ @ @ @ , giving his assurance that he wouldn ’ t do the same .
Students will @ @ @ @ @ higher out of the grade already awarded and that predicted by their school or college @ @ @ @ @ to say about it – and it was all good .

Twitter
After days of chaos, heartache and widespread protest, the government has backed down over the use of its controversial algorithm, which had seen 40 per cent of A-levels awarded a grade below the expected one – some by a considerable margin.
Education Secretary, Gavin Williamson, had criticised Scotland’s Education Department for a similar U-turn the previous week, giving his assurance that he wouldn’t do the same.
‘Can you give a cast-iron guarantee, triple-locked, if you will that you will not be forced into an embarrassing u-turn?’ ‘Absolutely’ says minister who’s just been forced to u-turn but is absolutely nowhere to be seen
pic.twitter.com/Ln2Cbd0ha8 — Carole Cadwalladr (@carolecadwalla) August 17, 2020
Students will now be awarded whichever is higher out of the grade already awarded and that predicted by their school or college.
Twitter had a lot to say about it – and it was all good.
LOL – just kidding.
1.
Congratulations Tories for doing a u-turn on exams. All it took was seeing it fail in Scotland, doing it anyway, breaking the hearts of thousands of distressed kids in the middle of a pandemic and days of everybody calling you dickheads for you to do the right thing. Respect. — James Felton (@JimMFelton) August 17, 2020
2.
If only there had been a country quite close to England that had gone through this exams grades u-turn quite recently that our government could have learnt from to avoid days of distress for students and the problems of uni places being taken up before the grades were changed — Liam Thorp (@LiamThorpECHO) August 17, 2020
2.
Having seen how well the government have handled A Level results I feel confident we’ll all be fine with the far bigger challenges when the transition period ends. — David Schneider (@davidschneider) August 17, 2020
4.
BREAKING: Gavin Williamson downgraded from A*** to C***. — Pundamentalism (@Pundamentalism) August 17, 2020
5.
This government U turn was originally a B turn. — Richard Osman (@richardosman) August 17, 2020
6.
For a second there I thought even the Coronavirus was pissed off with the way the Tories have handled the exam results pic.twitter.com/gID8WD48mI — joe heenan (@joeheenan) August 17, 2020
7.
I have listened to many distressing stories over the last few days, but one in particular has moved me to action. It was the story of a man who might not get to enjoy his holiday in peace if he doesn’t agree to a U-turn.#whereIsBoris #UTurn — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) August 17, 2020
8.
BREAKING: Government says “Fuck It” and sells entire Education system to America. — Robin Flavell (@RobinFlavell) August 17, 2020
9.


thepoke--2020-08-17--Delivery note instruction of the day (NSFW)

It ’ s a great idea to allow customers to add a note for the delivery driver , just in @ @ @ @ @ circumstances they need to know about – like a broken doorbell .
Hopefully , the @ @ @ @ @ for consists of adults .

Pics
It’s a great idea to allow customers to add a note for the delivery driver, just in case there are any unusual circumstances they need to know about – like a broken doorbell.
Hopefully, the family that pizza deal is for consists of adults.
READ MORE
Tesco customer support gets a hard time over a moldy pizza
Source r/memes Image r/memes, @kristinabratko on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-08-19--“That song Elton did about moving his fridge” is a  NSFW delight

Elton John ‘ s bizarre performance of I ’ m Still Standing has been put to good use by the @ @ @ @ @ who has turned it into a mini tragedy about how Elton threw his back out @ @ @ @ @ should have checked inside the fridge for Boris Johnson .
The original may be a @ @ @ @ @ a cautionary tale that might prevent back injuries ?
No .
No , it isn @ @ @ @ @ it as much as we did .
Darren added this update on the process .
@ @ @ @ @ is precisely the escape we needed today

Videos
Elton John‘s bizarre performance of I’m Still Standing has been put to good use by the incredibly talented Darren Dutton, who has turned it into a mini tragedy about how Elton threw his back out moving a fridge.
*SOUND ON*
That song Elton did about moving his fridge pic.twitter.com/dMzRJHISMD — Darren Dutton (@Darren_Dutton) August 16, 2020
He should have checked inside the fridge for Boris Johnson.
The original may be a classic, but is it a cautionary tale that might prevent back injuries? No. No, it isn’t.
Twitter loved it as much as we did.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say this is one of the best songs he’s ever written. https://t.co/KUfrprn78G — Alex Morrow (@vblock) August 16, 2020
@RossOnRasslin finally we know what Elton was singing 🤣 — Michael Quinn (@Quinnlar88) August 17, 2020
Darren added this update on the process.
This looks deceptively simple but you might be surprised how complicated it was; looping a vocal-free section of the original as a backing track; finding lip movements that could be interpreted as something else; writing and dubbing the vocals etc. In short: give me a knighthood. https://t.co/sbB55JkJ0Q — Darren Dutton (@Darren_Dutton) August 17, 2020
Arise, Sir Darren.
READ MORE
Matt Hancock and his ukulele is precisely the escape we needed today
Source Darren Dutton Image Darren Dutton


thepoke--2020-08-19--Our top 10 favourite jokes about life in these strange pandemic times

As the A-level row draws attention away from the rising number of coronavirus cases in the UK – just in @ @ @ @ @ schools reopening – people are increasingly asking “ Didn ’ t there used to be @ @ @ @ @ somebody , I think .
Blonde hair – scruffy !
” Maybe he was just @ @ @ @ @ .
While we wait for him to reappear , let ’ s enjoy these funny @ @ @ @ @ pandemic .
2 .
There are worse things than the virus – part 1 3 @ @ @ @ @ against earworms ?
4 .
Mask problems are the new normal 5 .
There are @ @ @ @ @ – part 2 9 .
The pandemic has been lucrative for some Finally – how @ @ @ @ @ what the rules are if the government doesn ’ t ?
Lower your blood pressure @ @ @ @ @ about the pandemic

Twitter
As the A-level row draws attention away from the rising number of coronavirus cases in the UK – just in time for the run-up to schools reopening – people are increasingly asking “Didn’t there used to be a prime minister? Boris somebody, I think. Blonde hair – scruffy!”
Maybe he was just a product of mass hysteria. While we wait for him to reappear, let’s enjoy these funny and scathing tweets about the pandemic.
1. The perfect analogy
New Chase episodes will be loyal to government guidelines. 1. Avoid rather than answer the question. 2, Distancing between contestants to change each week 3. a 100 year old man will walk non stop around the studio. Contestants can win simply by praising him. — Paul Sinha (@paulsinha) August 18, 2020
2. There are worse things than the virus – part 1
1. Taking an indie song from the 80s or 90s and slowing it right down for advert.
2. Trump.
3. Covid-19. — Michael Glasper (@michaelglasper) August 17, 2020
3. Is there a vaccine against earworms?
So in 2020 I've managed to survive COVID, killer hornets, toilet roll punch ups, a government who treats my company like I am disregardable collateral damage only to be sat here on a Friday night with the Cheeky Girls stuck in my head, and frankly, I wonder if it was worth it. — HeardinLondon 💚 (@HeardinLondon) August 14, 2020
4. Mask problems are the new normal
I went to the cinema yesterday for the first time in 100 years and I saw BABYTEETH and loved it! Though I did keep absent-minded trying to eat my cinema snacks with my face mask on and I really fancied the dad character. Perhaps I can't blame both on Covid. — Nat Luurtsema (@natluurtsema) August 17, 2020
5. There are worse things than the virus – part 2
And we all thought COVID-19 was the worst thing to come out of 2020 https://t.co/l28DdzxPLr — Jamie (@GingerPower_) August 17, 2020
6. That’s not what ‘going viral’ means
Having a big bag of Covid poured straight down my throat in a crowded restaurant, as a TikTok prank — Six Figure Book Deal Wanter (@Pat_Bren_Writer) August 16, 2020
7. Nature is healing
Pleased to see that the dogging sites have reopened after the virus pic.twitter.com/KGBBv0fNSl — . (@twlldun) August 16, 2020
8. Ah, the good old days – February
TV IDEA: Reeling In The Beers People wistfully reminisce about how they used to drink in pubs pre Covid 19. — Olan Devine (@OlanDevine) August 15, 2020
9. The pandemic has been lucrative for some
I see yer da got the contract for the wee yellow stickers with 2m written on them. pic.twitter.com/gJfTkfTMFk — rab livingstone (@rablivingstone) August 18, 2020
10. We’re all picking up bad habits
I'm not saying I've got a bit used to day drinking while working from home, but my wife has started calling me 'Pablo Deskobar'. ☹ — Phlegm Clandango (@Cain_Unable) August 17, 2020
Finally – how are we supposed to know what the rules are if the government doesn’t?
Oh. I’ve been doing it wrong. The education secretary wears his mask in the car and then takes it off to greet people 🤔 pic.twitter.com/RbdDwcuCuQ — Helen (@Harryb22) August 17, 2020
READ MORE
Lower your blood pressure with our top 10 tweets about the pandemic
Image Rab Livingstone


thepoke--2020-08-19--An everyday story of trading through Facebook marketplace

Facebook marketplace allows people to buy , sell and even give away or get items for free , but it @ @ @ @ @ – well , people are awful .
Over on Reddit , u/Begin_Trials shared this screengrab @ @ @ @ @ away a sofa via Facebook .
It seemed straightforward – and someone was interested .
@ @ @ @ @ enough for this choosing beggar .
Either they ’ re the most outrageous choosing beggar @ @ @ @ @ and that ’ s why people hate Facebook Marketplace .
A choosing beggar threatened an @ @ @ @ @ got what he deserved

Pics
Facebook marketplace allows people to buy, sell and even give away or get items for free, but it’s never straightforward because – well, people are awful.
Over on Reddit, u/Begin_Trials shared this screengrab of an attempt to give away a sofa via Facebook.
It seemed straightforward – and someone was interested.
The sofa’s owner sweetened the deal.
But that wasn’t enough for this choosing beggar.
Either they’re the most outrageous choosing beggar or a time-wasting troll – and that’s why people hate Facebook Marketplace.
READ MORE
A choosing beggar threatened an artist with the police and got what he deserved
Source r/ChoosingBeggars Image r/ChoosingBeggars, @beccatapert on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-08-19--The only 5 reactions you need to Gavin Williamson’s weird tea drinking clip

Is there anything more cringeworthy than politicians trying to show how relatable they are by doing “ normal ” stuff @ @ @ @ @ whip photo weren ’ t enough , the gift that keeps on giving that is @ @ @ @ @ Williamson , added himself to the blursed list with this .
“ Hi .
I @ @ @ @ @ You may recognise me from such things as ‘ Being sacked by Theresa May for @ @ @ @ @ Ruining the lives of thousands of children.
’ “ Of course , people had thoughts @ @ @ @ @ it – this reaction from Shaun Keaveny absolutely nails it ; Credit where it ’ @ @ @ @ @ at least he can drink from a mug .
Our 12 favourite funny things people @ @ @ @ @ Gavin Williamson

Twitter
Is there anything more cringeworthy than politicians trying to show how relatable they are by doing “normal” stuff?
For example …
Amazing what you can rustle up! Maybe some more hot potatoes next! #twoovens pic.twitter.com/gU0vrbuaV2 — James Brokenshire (@JBrokenshire) May 14, 2019
Great to see @DominicRaab focus on how he wants proper protection from redundancy for new/expectant mothers and the start of paid parental leave for dads-all issues raised by @Commonswomequ @MaternityAction @PregnantThenScrewed @WorkingfamUK https://t.co/utFxVzvvnk — Maria_Miller (@MariaMillerUK) May 5, 2019
As if his desk whip photo weren’t enough, the gift that keeps on giving that is the Education Secretary, Gavin Williamson, added himself to the blursed list with this.
Just. What. Is. Going. On. This is the weirdest bit of political imagery. All credit to @BBCNewsnight for filming this excellent moment. pic.twitter.com/bmrZWmTnkk — Kate Proctor (@Kate_M_Proctor) August 18, 2020
“Hi. I’m Gavin Williamson. You may recognise me from such things as ‘Being sacked by Theresa May for leaking documents’ and ‘Ruining the lives of thousands of children.’“
Of course, people had thoughts.
1.
Gavin Williamson: "I call this one Blue Steel With Cuppa" pic.twitter.com/0fJTXBqgRY — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) August 19, 2020
2.
Instruction:/ Drink mug tea, like humanity ordinaries. https://t.co/eeTecg9frI — HappyToast ★ (@IamHappyToast) August 18, 2020
3.
He's the only person I know who drinks Sunny Delight from a mug. https://t.co/jOaOJmecfV — Michael Govern Ready (@mikegove12) August 18, 2020
4.
There’s zero chance that cup isn’t filled with blood https://t.co/Zf4Z9ZwSNP — James Felton (@JimMFelton) August 18, 2020
5.
What are you talking about? Just a perfectly normal guy having a perfectly normal cuppa Joe. Definitely not a lizard. https://t.co/UqHqXFIfum — Garstonite* (@bririley_70) August 18, 2020
Let’s face it – this reaction from Shaun Keaveny absolutely nails it;
Credit where it’s due, though – at least he can drink from a mug.
Everyone is saying that failed minister @GavinWilliamson is a dick BUT he can drink a mug of tea with ONE HAND, while SITTING ON A DESK! Just let that sink in! Trump is the most powerful and important man in the universe and even HE needs TWO hands to drink a drink https://t.co/4aTA1GhZ5C pic.twitter.com/aR6ftag674 — Will Black (@WillBlackWriter) August 18, 2020
READ MORE
Our 12 favourite funny things people said about this photo of Gavin Williamson
Source Kate Proctor Image Screengrab


thepoke--2020-08-19--People shared the pettiest reasons they’ve had for dumping someone – 27 favourites

Most people have experienced a relationship break-up , whether as the dumper or dumpee , and they happen for almost @ @ @ @ @ are relationships .
For example , nobody would blame you for wanting to end a @ @ @ @ @ person told you how many sleeps there were until Christmas , or if they owned @ @ @ @ @ , Love ” cushion without a hint of irony .
Stand-up comedian , Joe Heenan @ @ @ @ @ ’ d felt compelled to break up with someone .
Absolutely not petty .
Some @ @ @ @ @ though .
Others were one hundred per cent justified – we ’ ll leave you @ @ @ @ @ which .
Not always safe for work .

Twitter
Most people have experienced a relationship break-up, whether as the dumper or dumpee, and they happen for almost as many reasons as there are relationships.
For example, nobody would blame you for wanting to end a relationship the instant the other person told you how many sleeps there were until Christmas, or if they owned a “Live, Laugh, Love” cushion without a hint of irony.
Stand-up comedian, Joe Heenan, shared one reason he’d felt compelled to break up with someone.
What's the pettiest reason you broke up with someone?
I broke up with a lassie once cause she microwaved bacon — joe heenan (@joeheenan) August 18, 2020
Absolutely not petty. Some of the replies were, though. Others were one hundred per cent justified – we’ll leave you to work out which is which.
Not always safe for work.
1.
he refused to follow the very clear census instructions on his 2016 census form and i just knew i couldn't handle that sort of chaotic energy https://t.co/YPLZ2JE8IB — Ruth From Home (@RuthieFizz) August 18, 2020
2.
Their voice sounded a bit like Ann Widdecombe. Not what they said, obviously, but their actual voice. Once I noticed it, that was that. https://t.co/KFfjVXUJct — Nick Pettigrew (@Nick_Pettigrew) August 18, 2020
3.
I ghosted someone once because he had a weird thumbs. https://t.co/L2hIHRnHEo — natashaturk (@natashaturk) August 18, 2020
4.
5.
*whispers* because they didn’t walk on the curb side of the pavement…..#whatonearth https://t.co/rz6RWMFkJI — Becky (@beckybeckyb) August 18, 2020
6.
He had small teeth, really small, almost childlike — Rachel Profiling (@casting991) August 18, 2020
7.
She confused money and time. Thought there was 60p in a £ https://t.co/9LBhYvgbrl — Davey Strachan (@daveystrachan) August 18, 2020
8.
He wiggled his bum in a funny way when he walked https://t.co/8It0QAMbDW — Kate Neilan (@Magic_Kitten) August 18, 2020
9.
An argument over whether or not the French passages of War and Peace should be translated into English. https://t.co/G4D2LnFBdB — melissa cox (@mmdotcox) August 18, 2020
10.
He had a thing about air fresheners, everywhere in his flat — Wilma Crichton (@crichton_wilma) August 18, 2020
11.
He made me watch Troy and kept reciting awful lines of it. — Miranda Dickinson (@wurdsmyth) August 18, 2020
12.
I broke up with someone after 2 months because he yelled at a friend of mine in the middle of the street because she enjoyed the Twilight movies https://t.co/kSL8pksbRr — the bog roll cake (@alexeptable) August 18, 2020
13.
He talked in baby talk. I can still hear him saying “hahht chawwwkitt” instead of “hot chocolate”. NO. — Karin Sullivan (@karink23) August 18, 2020
14.


thepoke--2020-08-19--These 17 jokes were made even better by the people who simply didn’t get them

Anyone who has ever posted a joke online will have experienced several kinds of unwelcome responses : the people who @ @ @ @ @ you , the ones who insist on telling you it wasn ’ t funny – @ @ @ @ @ literalists .
Bored Panda collected some fine examples of that last category – people who @ @ @ @ @ is happening and take it absolutely seriously – from the subReddit r/whoooosh , and we @ @ @ @ @ we picked our favourites and found a few more from Reddit .

Pics
Anyone who has ever posted a joke online will have experienced several kinds of unwelcome responses: the people who explain your own joke to you, the ones who insist on telling you it wasn’t funny – and then there are the literalists.
Bored Panda collected some fine examples of that last category – people who completely miss that a joke is happening and take it absolutely seriously – from the subReddit r/whoooosh, and we enjoyed them so much that we picked our favourites and found a few more from Reddit.
1.
Via
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Via
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Via
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Via
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Via
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Via
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thepoke--2020-08-19--Trump’s attempt to mock Michelle Obama was a self-own of epic proportions

The Democratic National Convention – their party conference , basically – is a virtual affair this year , for obvious @ @ @ @ @ delivering addresses via video .
Former First Lady , Michelle Obama , gave a widely @ @ @ @ @ she described Trump as being “ in over his head.
” The observation must have @ @ @ @ @ as he responded by telling a journalist she was in over her head .
He @ @ @ @ @ from saying “ I ’ m rubber , you ’ re glue … ” Even @ @ @ @ @ to own Michelle Obama by referencing the fact that her speech wasn ’ t broadcast @ @ @ @ @ hammer home that point beautifully .
If Trump values the authentic speaker-audience connection , he @ @ @ @ @ stand-up piece from David Cross about reasons people give for regretting voting for him .

Twitter
The Democratic National Convention – their party conference, basically – is a virtual affair this year, for obvious reasons, with keynote speakers delivering addresses via video.
Former First Lady, Michelle Obama, gave a widely lauded speech, during which she described Trump as being “in over his head.”
"So let me be as honest and clear as I possibly can: Donald Trump is the wrong president for our country." – @MichelleObama#DemConvention pic.twitter.com/91GTQeMdGW — 2020 #DemConvention 🇺🇸 (@DemConvention) August 18, 2020
The observation must have stung the thin-skinned President, as he responded by telling a journalist she was in over her head. He was only a heartbeat away from saying “I’m rubber, you’re glue …”
Even more baffling was his attempt to own Michelle Obama by referencing the fact that her speech wasn’t broadcast live.
Trump disses Michelle Obama: "She was over her head, and frankly, she should've made the speech live, which she didn't do, she taped it. And it was not only taped, it was tape a long time ago, because she had the wrong [coronavirus] deaths." pic.twitter.com/Ckyj3wtoWq — Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) August 18, 2020
via GIPHY
I don’t think the Michelle Obama “had the wrong death” count because thousands more died in the last few days while I was in charge is the own the president thinks it is https://t.co/HX7yFNOI8L — Kathryn Watson (@kathrynw5) August 18, 2020
These five reactions hammer home that point beautifully.
1.
MICHELLE OBAMA: Too many have died of coronavirus under Trump. TRUMP: Even more, actually! https://t.co/4Sq7dN2QDl — Eric Columbus (@EricColumbus) August 18, 2020
2.
Trump killed so many people between Michelle’s taping and her airing https://t.co/DrgnkgJTkO — Molly Jong-Fast🏡 (@MollyJongFast) August 18, 2020
3.
Trump acknowledges his incompetence killed 20,000 Americans in just a few days as a way of attacking one of the most popular human beings in America https://t.co/8jQyyr2VDh — Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) August 18, 2020
4.
owning the libs by pointing out that thousands of Americans are dying each week from a communicable disease you refuse to do anything about https://t.co/IrNQV4EbSP — Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) August 18, 2020
5.
"please credit me for ALL my murders" says serial killer https://t.co/0uNUdDU1E4 — Anthony Oliveira (@meakoopa) August 18, 2020
If Trump values the authentic speaker-audience connection, he’ll probably enjoy this stand-up piece from David Cross about reasons people give for regretting voting for him.
Yes – he’ll love that.
READ MORE
Donald Trump tweeted “Save the Post Office” and everyone’s irony meters exploded – 11 perfect takedowns
Source Aaron Rupar Image Screengrabs


thepoke--2020-08-20--Today’s top 10 tweets about coping with corona

Is everybody feeling more positive now that the government has decided to *checks notes* dismantle the organisation handling the coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ ready to take over ?
No ?
Well , let ’ s all lift our @ @ @ @ @ about the skip fire that is the pandemic .
Our top 10 favourite jokes about @ @ @ @ @ times

Twitter
Is everybody feeling more positive now that the government has decided to *checks notes* dismantle the organisation handling the coronavirus without the new body being ready to take over?
No? Well, let’s all lift our moods with these funny tweets about the skip fire that is the pandemic.
1.
We’ve been in lockdown so long I’ve had time to re-learn Spanish and re-forget Spanish. — Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) August 16, 2020
2.
Let’s start a class war between the people who have those cool, Winter Soldier-type COVID-19 masks, and the people who have masks that look like that were ”von Trapped” out of old curtains. — Mark Leggett (@markleggett) August 16, 2020
3.
Look I found a rare undomesticated form of Covid-19 out in its natural habitat. pic.twitter.com/m6h71j6YYT — Martin Mor (@MartinMorComedy) August 15, 2020
4.
"MELANIA WON'T HOLD MY HAND BECAUSE OF COVID-19, NOT BECAUSE SHE'S PHYSICALLY REPULSED BY ME.
SHE *IS* PHYSICALLY REPULSED BY ME BUT THAT'S NOT WHY SHE WON'T HOLD MY HAND. FAKE NEWS!" pic.twitter.com/aXvoyNpCJy — Phlegm Clandango (@Cain_Unable) August 17, 2020
5.
All my T- shirts are become crop top coz of this quarantine.. — ʎɐɥɔ…⚖ (@Chay_Raghu) August 17, 2020
6.
I really hope my neighbour gets on X Factor, wins it, becomes a best-selling multi millionaire and moves out so I don't need to listen to her singing the fucking Dawson's Creek theme tune for one more day of lockdown. — Fern Brady (@FernBrady) August 17, 2020
7.
me, still in everyone
quarantine on instagram pic.twitter.com/wPxwPgMCAz — Rachel Paige (@rachmeetsworld) August 16, 2020
8.
This is the face of a woman wondering why she ate garlic mushrooms before putting on a face mask pic.twitter.com/uc9KW1Stzg — Daisy Haggard (@daisy_haggard) August 19, 2020
9.
Mess with the crabbo, you get the stabbo.. pic.twitter.com/ldUsWm6OTg — Indiana Quarantine (@IndyQuarantine) August 19, 2020
10.
Me in Quarantine vs the story I'll tell my grand kids pic.twitter.com/KLZ98HRoua — The World Of Funny (@TheWorldOfFunny) August 16, 2020
READ MORE
Our top 10 favourite jokes about life in these strange pandemic times
Image @danielcgold on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-08-20--If Gavin Williamson took charge at Sesame Street (NSFW)

Gavin Williamson , Education Secretary and 19th in line for the job of organising piss-ups at breweries , couldn ’ @ @ @ @ @ Sesame Street without causing a disaster .
We know this because comedian Phil Chapman has @ @ @ @ @ .
Absolutely not endorsed by the Children ’ s Television Workshop .
Still more successful @ @ @ @ @ Our 12 favourite funny things people said about this photo of Gavin Williamson

Videos
Gavin Williamson, Education Secretary and 19th in line for the job of organising piss-ups at breweries, couldn’t even take charge of Sesame Street without causing a disaster.
We know this because comedian Phil Chapman has imagined how it would go. Absolutely not endorsed by the Children’s Television Workshop.
Phil shared the sketch on Twitter.
Gavin Williamson takes charge at Sesame Street with disastrous results pic.twitter.com/lU1CAl9ucu — Phil Chapman (@IAmPhilChapman) August 18, 2020
Still more successful than the exam results.
READ MORE
Our 12 favourite funny things people said about this photo of Gavin Williamson
Source Phil Chapman Image Phil Chapman


thepoke--2020-08-20--This LBC caller’s stance on post-holiday quarantines was the facepalm of the week

LBC ’ s James O ’ Brien has been talking to listeners about the rules surrounding self-quarantining on returning from abroad , with people ringing in to share a wide range of views .
One caller , however , had people facepalming into next week with her attitude to the idea of quarantining – not to mention the amount of holidays she has booked .
This was what Jennifer had to say .
With holidays planned for September , October , November and December this year , as well as another already lined up for 2022 , she ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Her refusal to self-isolate wasn ’ t down to ignorance .
But her take on Covid-19 deaths was the real eye-opener .
After James asked her not to give him a “ weird right-wing conspiracy theory “ , guess what she did … “ Two cancers and one heart condition and on their death certificates it ’ ll say “ covid-related ” .
That was just three people I know who ’ ve lost somebody during this period .
They didn ’ t have covid – they weren ’ t even tested.
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ weird right-wing conspiracy theory .
James had clearly had enough .
He closed the conversation with this advice .
“ This is really irresponsible , please take more care of yourself and your husband.
” “ Even if you don ’ t care about anybody else , other people care about you.
” “ The rules are there for a reason .
The quarantine is there for a reason.
” “ It ’ s just really stupid .
And profoundly dangerous .
Please , please have a little think.
” Piers Morgan said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ O ’ Brien ’ s comeback was perfect

Videos
LBC’s James O’Brien has been talking to listeners about the rules surrounding self-quarantining on returning from abroad, with people ringing in to share a wide range of views.
One caller, however, had people facepalming into next week with her attitude to the idea of quarantining – not to mention the amount of holidays she has booked.
This was what Jennifer had to say.
With holidays planned for September, October, November and December this year, as well as another already lined up for 2022, she’s certainly not your average UK dweller.
Her refusal to self-isolate wasn’t down to ignorance.
“What do you think the quarantine is for, Jennifer?” “I know – it’s to protect people.“
But her take on Covid-19 deaths was the real eye-opener. After James asked her not to give him a “weird right-wing conspiracy theory“, guess what she did …
“Two cancers and one heart condition and on their death certificates it’ll say “covid-related”. That was just three people I know who’ve lost somebody during this period. They didn’t have covid – they weren’t even tested.“
That had a definite ring of a weird right-wing conspiracy theory.
James had clearly had enough. He closed the conversation with this advice.
“This is really irresponsible, please take more care of yourself and your husband.” “Even if you don’t care about anybody else, other people care about you.” “The rules are there for a reason. The quarantine is there for a reason.” “It’s just really stupid. And profoundly dangerous. Please, please have a little think.”
Let’s hope she listened.
READ MORE
Piers Morgan said no-one changes their mind anymore and James O’Brien’s comeback was perfect
Source LBC Image LBC, zhpix on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-08-20--Trump’s angry tweet about Barack Obama’s DNC speech made the former president’s point

The Democratic National Convention heard a speech from Barack Obama on Wednesday , and the usually scrupulously polite former president @ @ @ @ @ pieces .
Just a day after Michelle Obama accused Trump of being in over his @ @ @ @ @ this .
Trump was obviously watching , because he took to Twitter to smash out @ @ @ @ @ included this accusation .
So statesmanlike .
Franklin Leonard had this tip for reading Trump @ @ @ @ @ it really works .
In something of a pincer movement , presidential candidate and former @ @ @ @ @ posted this proof that his old boss was correct .
Not that sleepy after all @ @ @ @ @ to mock Michelle Obama was a self-own of epic proportions

News
The Democratic National Convention heard a speech from Barack Obama on Wednesday, and the usually scrupulously polite former president absolutely ripped the incumbent to pieces.
Just a day after Michelle Obama accused Trump of being in over his head, her husband said this.
Former President Barack Obama reads Trump pic.twitter.com/02HxcC7Puv — BallerAlert (@balleralert) August 20, 2020
Trump was obviously watching, because he took to Twitter to smash out a capslocked rant, which included this accusation.
HE SPIED ON MY CAMPAIGN, AND GOT CAUGHT! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 20, 2020
So statesmanlike. Franklin Leonard had this tip for reading Trump’s tweets – and it really works.
Someone on the internet that I can't remember (please tell me who so I can give them credit) said that all of his tweets are more accurately communicated if you start with "Mommy!" and read from there. https://t.co/Hqfktxd8Zs — Franklin Leonard (@franklinleonard) August 20, 2020
Here’s how Twitter reacted to Trump’s outburst.
1.
cry more — Jeff Tiedrich (@itsJeffTiedrich) August 20, 2020
2.
YOU STOLE THE 2016 ELECTION AND GOT CAUGHT! https://t.co/u4UCJ58Qij — Melissa Blake (@melissablake) August 20, 2020
3.
Trump is very good at playing it cool and not letting anyone know they're getting under his skin https://t.co/ny16JvDpmg — Robert Maguire (@RobertMaguire_) August 20, 2020
4.
5.
Obama just finished hitting Trump for watching TV all day and not taking the job seriously, and Trump responds from watching TV and repeating a made up conspiracy: https://t.co/BzHOuWTm51 — Edward-Isaac Dovere (@IsaacDovere) August 20, 2020
6.
TRUMP TRIED TO EXTORT UKRAINE, AND GOT CAUGHT. AND THEN GOT IMPEACHED. FOREVER. https://t.co/6bwhLQuyds — BrooklynDad_Defiant! (@mmpadellan) August 20, 2020
7.
8.
Ma'am this is a Wendy's. https://t.co/SAOsNzpj7S — Mari Manoogian (@MariManoogian) August 20, 2020
In something of a pincer movement, presidential candidate and former VP, Joe Biden, posted this proof that his old boss was correct.
“Donald Trump hasn’t grown into the job because he can’t.” https://t.co/TB3o7KE6GI — Joe Biden (@JoeBiden) August 20, 2020
Not that sleepy after all.
READ MORE
Trump’s attempt to mock Michelle Obama was a self-own of epic proportions
Source Donald Trump Image @balleralert, Screengrab


thepoke--2020-08-20--“For anyone self employed trying to get paid at the moment”

This short , frustrating and very funny sketch by writer and comedian , Stevie Martin , speaks directly to any @ @ @ @ @ people unlucky enough to have had to chase up a payment for previous work – @ @ @ @ @ .
Plus a shout-out for her co-star .
Perhaps those invoice wounds are a little @ @ @ @ @ This thread about filling in a tax return is essential ( and reassuring ) reading @ @ @

Videos
This short, frustrating and very funny sketch by writer and comedian, Stevie Martin, speaks directly to any freelancers, or other self-employed people unlucky enough to have had to chase up a payment for previous work – which is all of them.
for anyone self employed trying to get paid at the moment. Or any moment. pic.twitter.com/XM4rlqaJed — Stevie Martin (@5tevieM) August 18, 2020
Plus a shout-out for her co-star.
shoutout to Lola-Rose Maxwell who is not on social media, but is fuckin funny — Stevie Martin (@5tevieM) August 18, 2020
So relatable. Funny, but relatable.
THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN YET I AM WEEPING HYSTERICALLY https://t.co/m4rd87WOUj — Daisy Buchanan (@NotRollergirl) August 19, 2020
Ha! This resonates. Am still waiting to be paid for work done in February -ie, 5weeks before lockdown -but they are blaming lockdown for the non-appearance of the money they owe me. Big household name, too… — Lucy Beresford (@LucyBeresford) August 19, 2020
I've had experiences like this for consulting on "how to act like a startup" and nobody could ever see the irony. Bit like the "Future of Digital payments" event that could only pay me by Cheque/Check https://t.co/VGPP7chxn8 — Tom Goodwin (@tomfgoodwin) August 19, 2020
omg this hurts my soul. Once i had a payment blocked for weeks because of Christmas, which was three months earlier. — Scott Bryan (@scottygb) August 19, 2020
Perhaps those invoice wounds are a little too open for some.
Too accurate, way too accurate https://t.co/Om65wC7oAS — Paul Clarke (@paul_clarke) August 19, 2020
READ MORE
This thread about filling in a tax return is essential (and reassuring) reading for freelancers everywhere
Source Stevie Martin Image Stevie Martin


thepoke--2020-08-20--18 of the funniest things you can say at the theatre and during sex

Although some socially distanced indoor performances are allowed in theatres , as of the 15th of August , performance in @ @ @ @ @ the ground due to the coronavirus , and there ’ s no way of knowing @ @ @ @ @ many theatres will reopen .
The @ LondonTheatre1 Twitter account will be one place to @ @ @ @ @ when it breaks , but in the meantime , they asked people this question .
@ @ @ @ @ these were the funniest answers we saw – not all of them safe for work @ @ @

Twitter
Although some socially distanced indoor performances are allowed in theatres, as of the 15th of August, performance in general is very thin on the ground due to the coronavirus, and there’s no way of knowing when – or if – many theatres will reopen.
The @LondonTheatre1 Twitter account will be one place to get that kind of news when it breaks, but in the meantime, they asked people this question.
What’s something you can say during sex and at the theatre? #theatrefun — @LondonTheatre1 (@LondonTheatre1) August 18, 2020
Tweeters stepped up – and these were the funniest answers we saw – not all of them safe for work, obviously.
1.
2.
I found your entrance very moving. https://t.co/UxHAxFdj61 — Stephen McGann (@StephenMcGann) August 19, 2020
3.
4.
Andrew Lloyd Webber says I have to spray myself with disinfectant before going in there. https://t.co/1k545fu9Bm — Tom Peck (@tompeck) August 19, 2020
5.
This would have been better with Lulu. https://t.co/fzgkzZBIlV — David Quantick (@quantick) August 18, 2020
6.
7.
I preferred the understudy last week… #theatrefun — @LondonTheatre1 (@LondonTheatre1) August 18, 2020
8.
9.


thepoke--2020-08-20--This bakery owner’s response to an anti-masker’s bad review was very satisfying indeed

Business owners must dread getting bad reviews online , right where everyone can see them .
Worse still , those reviews are not necessarily accurate , like this one left on Yelp by an anti-masker .
One of the owners , Beth H , responded to the review .
First , she addressed the “ mask Nazis ” issue with some facts about regulations .
Then , she went on to speculate on which of the two anti-maskers who had been in the shop might have written the complaint .
Neither one comes across too well .
Nazis : Starts @ @ @ @ @ @ @ millions of innocent people .
Local Bakery : Asks you to temporarily wear mask to keep others safe from airborne illness .
Yup .
These two are definitely the same .
Totally checks out .
TheMajesticRust And here are a couple of the many more positive reviews from Yelp .
“ Thank you for your safe practices during these uncertain times with Covid .
I feel safe in your store !
One of the few places we ’ ll go because your baked goods are just that phenomenal !
!
!
!
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Nazis .
A very satisfying takedown of this anti-masker ’ s unfair 1-star review

Weird World
Business owners must dread getting bad reviews online, right where everyone can see them. Worse still, those reviews are not necessarily accurate, like this one left on Yelp by an anti-masker.
One of the owners, Beth H, responded to the review.
First, she addressed the “mask Nazis” issue with some facts about regulations.
Then, she went on to speculate on which of the two anti-maskers who had been in the shop might have written the complaint.
Neither one comes across too well.
Redditors commented on u/beerbellybegone‘s post.
Nazis: Starts worldwide conflict with the goal of exterminating millions of innocent people. Local Bakery: Asks you to temporarily wear mask to keep others safe from airborne illness. Yup. These two are definitely the same. Totally checks out.
TheMajesticRust
Love the verbal smack down at the end.
nerothic
“First they made us wear a mask and prevented us from spreading plagues.” – Karen
SunsetHorizon95
And here are a couple of the many more positive reviews from Yelp.
“Thank you for your safe practices during these uncertain times with Covid. I feel safe in your store! One of the few places we’ll go because your baked goods are just that phenomenal!!!!”
“Great store great owners great service
Is exciting to be able to support businesses like these that clearly care about customers and are practicing safe habits during COVID. Mountains of love and respect.”
That’s exactly how people described the Nazis.
READ MORE
A very satisfying takedown of this anti-masker’s unfair 1-star review
Source r/MurderedByWords Image r/MurderedByWords, romankraft on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-08-20--People were horrified to find themselves agreeing with Toby Young – 11 favourite responses

In case you missed it , Health and Social Care Secretary , Matt Hancock , has announced the scrapping of the government ’ s executive body , Public Health England , and the creation of the National Institute for Health Protection .
The new organisation , which will focus on external threats to health such as pandemics or bio-weapon attacks , rather than broader health and fitness programmes , will be led – at least initially – by Dido Harding , the woman currently running the vastly underperforming Test and Trace system .
The selection is made even more controversial @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to Conservative MP John Penrose , a member of a committee which had both called for Public Health England to be dismantled and stated that the NHS should be replaced with an American-style insurance system – because that ’ s going so brilliantly right now .
Not all of those complaining about the appointment were the government ’ s usual critics .
Enter stage left : People were surprised , not to mention disturbed to find themselves on the same side of an argument as the right-wing columnist .
Here ’ s what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
BRB – just off to scrub my brain .
Toby Young ’ s anti-mask dating forum is all set to go viral – 19 very funny responses

Twitter
In case you missed it, Health and Social Care Secretary, Matt Hancock, has announced the scapegoating scrapping of the government’s executive body, Public Health England, and the creation of the National Institute for Health Protection.
The new organisation, which will focus on external threats to health such as pandemics or bio-weapon attacks, rather than broader health and fitness programmes, will be led – at least initially – by Dido Harding, the woman currently running the vastly underperforming Test and Trace system.
The selection is made even more controversial by the fact that Harding is married to Conservative MP John Penrose, a member of a committee which had both called for Public Health England to be dismantled and stated that the NHS should be replaced with an American-style insurance system – because that’s going so brilliantly right now.
Naturally, people weren’t happy with developments.
The fact Matt Hancock’s pal Dido Harding was chosen by him to head up the new health institute despite having no expertise and having failed on track and trace will be of great interest to the PM’s Anti-Corruption Champion who is – *checks notes* – Dido Harding’s husband. — David Schneider (@davidschneider) August 19, 2020
I'm delighted to confirm Dido Harding as head of our new Public Health agency, after she passed our recruitment checklist:
a) track record of failure
b) Tory peer
c) no experience in public health or medicine
d) friend of Matt Hancockhttps://t.co/hctVcAac37 — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) August 17, 2020
Not all of those complaining about the appointment were the government’s usual critics. Enter stage left:
So what are Dido Harding’s qualifications for running the National Institute for Health Protection, apart from presiding over a huge data breach at Talk Talk and overseeing the development of NHSX's test-and-trace app which cost the taxpayer £10 billion and has now been scrapped? — Toby Young (@toadmeister) August 18, 2020
People were surprised, not to mention disturbed to find themselves on the same side of an argument as the right-wing columnist.
Here’s what they had to say on the matter.
1.
Something is very wrong with the world. I agree with Toby Young on something. pic.twitter.com/DfAvrFh6C3 — Paul Bernal (@PaulbernalUK) August 19, 2020
2.
OK. Who kidnapped me and put me in another dimension. One where Toby Young writes a SENSIBLE tweet? pic.twitter.com/IvJlAvFOdh — John West 🕯 (@JohnWest_JAWS) August 19, 2020
3.
If Toby Young thinks you are useless, you should listen, he knows all about being useless. https://t.co/cN99REIhOC — Neil Shirtcliffe (@N_Shirtcliffe) August 19, 2020
4.
Toby Young has discovered the Piers Morgan rule-of-journalism. When the industry has gone to shit and literally just prints Downing Street press releases, if you *actually do your job,* and hold the Tories to account, people think you're some sort of genius. pic.twitter.com/cALkob7QMK — Philip Proudfoot (@philipproudfoot) August 19, 2020
5.
Isn’t it awful when the government recruits hopelessly unqualified children of Barons, with little to no relevant experience and profoundly sketchy track records. https://t.co/HhSRUiVFWu — Dr Adam Rutherford (@AdamRutherford) August 19, 2020
6.
Toby Young has validated the theory that even a stopped clock sometimes tells the correct time… pic.twitter.com/rqPUJc2bgS — Christine Burns MBE 🧜♀🦍⧖ (@christineburns) August 19, 2020
7.
When you agree with a Toby Young tweet …2020 is getting weirder by the day isn't that right Cummings? pic.twitter.com/lPfSuPqu6x — Michael MM (@mickmar29) August 19, 2020
8.
Right that's it. We're done. 2020 is so utterly fucked that TOBY YOUNG is complaining about people getting jobs for which they are not qualified. https://t.co/oxYZsxbZEw — James McEnaney (@MrMcEnaney) August 18, 2020
9.
Has Hell frozen over?
Is this a parallel universe?
The world simply doesn't make sense when I agree with this man. https://t.co/QSCy2PFTdq — Ted Smith 3.5% (@TedUrchin) August 19, 2020
10.
Toby Young's just jealous that he doesn't get unelected government appointments any more. He's still a twat. pic.twitter.com/crG7uXgpsn — John Spiers (@squeezyjohn) August 19, 2020
11.
Toby are you OK, mate? Do you want to lie down? Just take it easy https://t.co/kInwPmGOcl — Tom London (@TomLondon6) August 18, 2020
Michael East had this observation.
John Major, Edwina Currie and Toby Young all trending… They found the sex tape didn’t they 😳 — Michael East (@MichaelEast1983) August 19, 2020
BRB – just off to scrub my brain.
READ MORE
Toby Young’s anti-mask dating forum is all set to go viral – 19 very funny responses
Source Toby Young Image officestock on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-08-21--The 25 funniest tweets of the week

The 25 funniest tweets of the week

The week seems to have dragged , but the weekend is in sight and the tweets of the week are @ @ @ @ @ cuppa – other drinks are available – and laugh along with us at this comedy @ @

Twitter
The week seems to have dragged, but the weekend is in sight and the tweets of the week are here, so grab a cuppa – other drinks are available – and laugh along with us at this comedy gold.
1.
2.
If my son wants apple juice, I give him half water and half apple juice but the juice I buy is already watered down. The first time this kid has a glass of full sugar apple juice he’s gonna fucking powerbomb me through our coffee table. — jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) August 15, 2020
3.
When I get my annual compliment pic.twitter.com/gL6AA1yWBf — giallo shots (@emotionalpedant) August 15, 2020
4.
You never hear ghosts shouting "YOLO!" because they know better. — Aisling Bea (@WeeMissBea) August 16, 2020
5.
“Harvey, I just don’t think this one has enough room for all the kids.” “We are NOT getting a fucking minivan, Sheila.” pic.twitter.com/aWED9grZh1 — Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) August 15, 2020
6.
People with a huge ego, looking in the mirror like… pic.twitter.com/ULpx2CoFvw — mᎥᏦᎬ ᏞᎥᏆᎬᏒᎪᏞᏞᎽ✪ (@SkippyMcGizzard) August 15, 2020
7.
My grandparents were named Pearl and Dean But we called them grandma and grandpapapapapapapapapapapaa… — Ian. (@biker_Ian) August 15, 2020
8.
– grandad, when did you know you were old?
– the day i ran for a bus and i felt my balls clacking like a newton’s cradle… pic.twitter.com/qz61OnkPPC — forest fr1ends (@forest_fr1ends) August 14, 2020
9.
I am unfollowing a bunch of Instagram accounts because they never interact. Seriously, Pope Francis, what a diva. — Rachel Noise (@RachelNoise) August 16, 2020
10.
🎵tale as old as time🎵 pic.twitter.com/pwzoqWlsAj — Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) August 17, 2020
11.
American recipes are litch like •3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste — Holly x (@hollyshortall) August 16, 2020
12.


thepoke--2020-08-21--This guy added background music to his brother’s epic dressing down and went viral

Musician Josh Lepulu turned his brother getting a proper tongue lashing into a perfect comedy moment with the addition of @ @ @ @ @ posted the clip to TikTok , where it currently has 42.1 million views .
We @ @ @ @ @ hundred per cent certain , but we don ’ t think his mum was impressed @ @ @ @ @ Josh on Twitter and Instagram .
This very funny viral cookery reaction video goes on @ @ @

Videos
Musician Josh Lepulu turned his brother getting a proper tongue lashing into a perfect comedy moment with the addition of some incidental music.
He posted the clip to TikTok, where it currently has 42.1 million views.
Watch for yourself.
As Josh’s TikTok bio says
“Everything is better with music..”
We can’t be a hundred per cent certain, but we don’t think his mum was impressed.
You can also find Josh on Twitter and Instagram.
READ MORE
This very funny viral cookery reaction video goes on quite the journey
Source Josh Lepulu Image Josh Lepulu


thepoke--2020-08-21--Bats, Zoom and toilet rolls – not David Attenborough’s Christmas list but topics in our pandemic top

Bats, Zoom and toilet rolls – not David Attenborough’s Christmas list but topics in our pandemic top 10

Congratulations if you had “ Man who caught coronavirus at the office insists offices are safe ” on your Covid @ @ @ @ @ can read all about that here .
Before you do that , though , have @ @ @ @ @ takes on the pandemic .
5 .
I ’ ll take “ Things Steve Bannon @ @ @ @ @ 200 7 .
Russia ’ s Putin this virus in its place 8 .
There @ @ @ @ @ mask mandate 10 .
“ I ’ m the Prime Minister ’ s dad ” @ @ @

Twitter
Congratulations if you had “Man who caught coronavirus at the office insists offices are safe” on your Covid Madness bingo card.
You can read all about that here.
Before you do that, though, have a read of these funny takes on the pandemic.
1. A little bit of politics
BREAKING NEWS: Bat Who Gave The World Covid Will Speak At RNC — Jena Friedman (@JenaFriedman) August 18, 2020
2. There’s safe and then there’s safe
keep being told to stay safe at the end of Zoom calls? what if I don’t want to? what if I want to continue to remove toast from the toaster with a knife??? i’m an independent woman — Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) August 20, 2020
3. He’s conkered his fears
Walked under a tree today and caught the coronavirus. Didn’t expect it to be this big tbh. pic.twitter.com/IpxofOV6no — John Self (@john_self) August 20, 2020
4. Midge Ure will be devastated
me, seeing the news about new quarantine lists: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Vienna — Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) August 20, 2020
5. I’ll take “Things Steve Bannon has never said” for 200
it's the little things I miss during this pandemic, like when the postman used to come and you'd wave him over and give him a little hug, sometimes for 20 seconds or more, neither of you uncomfortable just enjoying the contact — joe (@mutablejoe) August 20, 2020
6. Subtlety isn’t always an option
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away. — Felicia (@LostFelicia) August 20, 2020
7. Russia’s Putin this virus in its place
This is what the Russian vaccine looks like under a microscope pic.twitter.com/FiXbvnmJ0h — gavin (@gavinmind) August 12, 2020
8. There are definite advantages to the mask mandate
Look, I’m just saying that even after the pandemic people with bad breath should have to keep wearing masks. — Greg One Leg (@Greg_1_Leg) August 20, 2020
9. Time for a remake
Contagion would have been way better if they’d included a toilet roll shortage and loads of people doing the conga — dave ❄ 🥕 🧻 (@davemacladd) August 20, 2020
10. “I’m the Prime Minister’s dad” works as well
I wonder if anyone has tried out the exemptions on that list to evade quarantine. "Yes, I am a Lieutenant Colonel in the Belgian army here on official business." — Dr Philip Lee (@drphiliplee1) August 20, 2020
READ MORE
Today’s top 10 tweets about coping with corona
Image Screengrab


thepoke--2020-08-21--Donald Trump’s former adviser Steve Bannon has been charged with fraud – 18 scorching burns

Right-wing commentator , friend of Nigel Farage , and one-time adviser to Donald Trump , Steve Bannon , has been @ @ @ @ @ with an alleged fraud involving funds collected to pay for the wall between the USA @ @ @ @ @ he was taken in by agents of the US Postal Service – the very institution @ @ @ @ @ to dismantle .
Of course , Twitter had quite a lot to say about it @ @ @ @ @ responses we spotted .
It wasn ’ t all about the USPS .

Twitter
Right-wing commentator, friend of Nigel Farage, and one-time adviser to Donald Trump, Steve Bannon, has been arrested and charged in connection with an alleged fraud involving funds collected to pay for the wall between the USA and Mexico.
Ironically, he was taken in by agents of the US Postal Service – the very institution his friend has been trying to dismantle.
From CBS' Pat Milton: Steve Bannon was taken into custody today by US Postal Service agents. He's expected to be arraigned today before a US magistrate. @SDNYnews alleges he had a role in defrauding donors as part of an online crowdfunding campaign known as “We Build the Wall” — Margaret Brennan (@margbrennan) August 20, 2020
Of course, Twitter had quite a lot to say about it. These were the best responses we spotted.
1.
Wait, the USPS aided in the arrest of Bannon? That’s amazing. They should issue an ultimatum: STOP THE DISMANTLING OF THE POSTAL SERVICE OR WE WILL ARREST ONE WHITE SUPREMACIST ASSWIPE A DAY UNTIL SERVICE IS RESTORED!! — George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) August 20, 2020
2.
He was arrested by US Postal Service agents? Send some champagne to the 2020 writers room. Great episode. https://t.co/63eaY7rHlc — Franklin Leonard (@franklinleonard) August 20, 2020
3.
BY US POSTAL SERVICE AGENTS oh man 2020 is just one big advent calendar https://t.co/z23bVrirtL — shauna (@goldengateblond) August 20, 2020
4.
Imagine being arrested by your postman https://t.co/wF58Cmajm6 — Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) August 20, 2020
It wasn’t all about the USPS.
5.
Spare a thought for Steve Bannon's poor victims, they donated their money to racism in good faith. — James Felton (@JimMFelton) August 20, 2020
6.
7.
8.
I can't believe the Wetherspoons man is going down. https://t.co/r2oa8O1AIn — Michael Govern Ready (@mikegove12) August 20, 2020
9.


thepoke--2020-08-21--Terrible Newspaper Layout of the Day

Terrible Newspaper Layout of the Day

Placement of articles , headlines , photos and ads in a newspaper or magazine is a delicate balance .
If @ @ @ @ @ wrong place , it can completely wreck the message .
Like this , for example @ @ @ @ @ for New Zealand ’ s Marlborough Weekly walked that tightrope – and fell off .
@ @ @ @ @ in Local Newspapers for spotting that .
This is how Twitter reacted .
Finally , @ @ @ @ @ this any better than @ angrypiln has , so we won ’ t try .

Pics
Placement of articles, headlines, photos and ads in a newspaper or magazine is a delicate balance. If one element is in the wrong place, it can completely wreck the message.
Like this, for example.
Whoever did this layout for New Zealand’s Marlborough Weekly walked that tightrope – and fell off.
Meanwhile in New Zealand pic.twitter.com/1stK1Ajmsx — Angry People in Local Newspapers (@angrypiln) August 20, 2020
Hats off to Angry People in Local Newspapers for spotting that.
This is how Twitter reacted.
Did they… did they put the cats in the pies?! — Just Soph (@sophie_runs) August 20, 2020
A reminder that just because rules and boxes technically separate stories doesn't mean designers shouldn't look for Option C. https://t.co/a3urM07I07 — Paul Wiggins (@paulwiggins) August 20, 2020
This may be the greatest front page layout ever https://t.co/r452Fnseg1 — Sarah Allen (@pinkteapot3) August 20, 2020
That juxtaposition was no accident. — Andrew S Priceman (@assppiicc) August 20, 2020
This, from Unfunded Empathy deserves a special mention.
Finally, we can’t say this any better than @angrypiln has, so we won’t try.
PS if you’re cruel to animals you are pure scum thank you. — Angry People in Local Newspapers (@angrypiln) August 20, 2020
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Simply 27 gloriously unfortunate publishing layouts of our time
Source @angrypiln Image @angrypiln


thepoke--2020-08-21--Gavin Williamson’s algorithm woes – from the Room Next Door

Education Secretary Gavin Williamson has been facing questions over his handling of this year ’ s ( not really ) @ @ @ @ @ ’ t gone well .
Michael Spicer has done what we all hoped he would @ @ @ @ @ to steer the stricken MP from the Room Next Door .
There ’ s definitely @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t be convinced otherwise .
Here ’ s what people have been saying @ @ @ @ @ Gareth Kirby asked the question that goes through our minds at least once a day @ @ @ @ @ the algorithm .
Michael Spicer was devastating in the Room Next Door to Priti Patel @ @ @ @ @ Cooper

Videos
Education Secretary Gavin Williamson has been facing questions over his handling of this year’s (not really) exam results and it hasn’t gone well.
Michael Spicer has done what we all hoped he would. Watch as he tries to steer the stricken MP from the Room Next Door.
the room next door – Gavin Williamson pic.twitter.com/yWiXTrFyhZ — Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) August 20, 2020
There’s definitely an apology algorithm and we can’t be convinced otherwise.
Here’s what people have been saying about the bumbling fork.
The more time that passes the more likely it seems that this *really is* whats going on…#ToryBritain https://t.co/xXDkoA0T44 — Bryan Smith (@BpsmithUk) August 20, 2020
This seems completely believable. https://t.co/uHxL4MTfXE — Mark Enser 🌍 (@EnserMark) August 20, 2020
Gareth Kirby asked the question that goes through our minds at least once a day.
Why can’t any of them just say ‘So sorry, we got it wrong, we acknowledge we got it wrong, we must and will do better in the future??’ 😳😳😳 — Gareth Kirkby (@GarethKirkby1) August 20, 2020
They need to update the algorithm.
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Michael Spicer was devastating in the Room Next Door to Priti Patel’s mauling by Yvette Cooper
Source Michael Spicer Image Michael Spicer


thepoke--2020-08-21--Our 12 favourite things people have said about the Daily Mail’s Boris Johnson camping photo

Speculation has been mounting about the whereabouts of Boris Johnson , as the country has been experiencing the chaos of @ @ @ @ @ algorithm , a dismantling of Public Health England and ever-increasing job losses .
There has @ @ @ @ @ PM is genuinely camping in Scotland , as reported .
Not that it dispelled the @ @ @ @ @ of our favourite reactions so far .
After the Mail ’ s page showing concern @ @ @ @ @ week – and now this – it ’ s not surprising that James O ’ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s direction .
We truly are through the looking glass .

Pics
Speculation has been mounting about the whereabouts of Boris Johnson, as the country has been experiencing the chaos of the “exam results” algorithm, a dismantling of Public Health England and ever-increasing job losses.
There has been widespread scepticism that the PM is genuinely camping in Scotland, as reported.
However, Friday’s Daily Mail front page carries this scoop.
Not that it dispelled the disbelief.
This has to be bullshit, right? No way is Johnson camping with his three month old baby in Scotland. https://t.co/sgihOZyIkm — I Am Incorrigible FCA (@ImIncorrigible) August 20, 2020
Here are some of our favourite reactions so far.
1.
Listen l am off for a few days camping, l will leave Gavin Williamson, Matt Hancock and Michael Gove in charge whist l am away. 😩😩😩😩 https://t.co/qWf7oQWMDq — 🌈 Angela Rayner 🌈 (@AngelaRayner) August 20, 2020
2.
This week, I have been mostly avoiding questions on alghorithms. pic.twitter.com/vKOuQwlPBJ — John Cotter (@John_Cotter) August 20, 2020
3.
"I hear you're hiding from all responsibility Prime Minister" pic.twitter.com/zZNGlDrekM — HappyToast ★ (@IamHappyToast) August 20, 2020
4.
While many of us are worried about the months ahead, it clearly won’t be a winter of discount-tents for the PM https://t.co/J2tBDO73Ta — Liam Thorp (@LiamThorpECHO) August 20, 2020
5.
That’s the tent he stands outside, pissing in. Or inside pissing out. He can’t remember. pic.twitter.com/NDCMrUw9mx — Mr Roger Quimbly (@RogerQuimbly) August 20, 2020
6.
And his security team are where, exactly? I think they’re trying to pull the canvas over our eyes… https://t.co/nfQe9poy7U — Dr Louise Raw (@LouiseRawAuthor) August 20, 2020
7.
I love that this teepee tent comes equipped with a 3-bed bed holiday cottage.. https://t.co/vnxdfNQl0D — Kait Borsay (@kaitborsay) August 21, 2020
8.
9.
What a load of bollocks. These pics guarantee he and Carrie are sat on a yacht somewhere with a nanny taking care of baby. https://t.co/sspyBycqas — Mike Holden (@MikeHolden42) August 20, 2020
10.
Him doing this is not as important as our education, health or jobs. https://t.co/tCBJTAwwF6 — Danny Wallace (@dannywallace) August 20, 2020
11.
Am I the only one to suspect that this is complete hogwash?
More likely to be tucked up somewhere in exclusive accommodation provided by one of his donors, or in one of his father’s properties… https://t.co/ujspr10lCV — The Beautiful Sausage (@sausageonstick) August 21, 2020
12.
Great new character strand for The Fast Show — Boris’s Politics. “This year I have been mostly doing…bugger all.” pic.twitter.com/3DJmlbENhC — Michael Moran (@TheMichaelMoran) August 21, 2020
After the Mail’s page showing concern for asylum seekers earlier this week – and now this – it’s not surprising that James O’Brien pondered on the paper’s direction.
Wow. The Mail has plotted a fascinating course since Dacre stepped down/was defenestrated. I wonder if this is a glimpse of their destination. A stone cold scoop, either way. https://t.co/jMSQrZNb0z — James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) August 20, 2020
We truly are through the looking glass.
READ MORE
6 favourite things people said about today’s Daily Mail ‘cultural revolution’ front page
Source Neil Henderson Image Neil Henderson


thepoke--2020-08-21--9 scathing responses to Matt Hancock’s claim that there’s little coronavirus transmission in offices

In a comment conveniently echoing the one made last week about schools , Matt Hancock has insisted that there ’ @ @ @ @ @ transmission in offices , choosing not to address the fact that any data he has @ @ @ @ @ offices were at least partly empty .
Anyway – if Matt Hancock says it ’ @ @ @ @ @ s good enough for the rest of us , right lads ?
Presumably , Grant @ @ @ @ @ to say there ’ s little evidence of coronavirus transmission on public transport .
Matt @ @ @ @ @ renewed lockdown on households mingling – the 11 best responses

Twitter
In a comment conveniently echoing the one made last week about schools, Matt Hancock has insisted that there’s little evidence of coronavirus transmission in offices, choosing not to address the fact that any data he has must have been gathered while offices were at least partly empty.
“The amount of people who have caught it in workplaces is relatively low”
Health Secretary Matt Hancock tells #BBCBreakfast he will not follow France and make masks mandatory in offices. https://t.co/lCBIveVrHw pic.twitter.com/Xb3u6ZkOgI — BBC Breakfast (@BBCBreakfast) August 19, 2020
Anyway – if Matt Hancock says it’s true, that’s good enough for the rest of us, right lads?
Oh …
1.
Says man infected in – checks notes – office, whose boss and colleagues were also infected in… offices. https://t.co/Q7wkSxGoKe — Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) August 20, 2020
2.
absolutely HOWLING at the reasoning behind this chump's insistence that offices are safe: "based on data from after most people stopped working full time in offices, we found that people aren't catching it from offices" pic.twitter.com/Ph83wW33ud — Another Angry Woman (@stavvers) August 20, 2020
3.
Matt Hancock Says Offices Are Low Risk For Virus Spread, Announcing To Millions That He Has Literally Never Held An Office Job — ǝıʇɐʞ (@supermathskid) August 20, 2020
4.
I believe @MattHancock saying offices are perfectly fine to go to, like I'd believe Matt Hancock at 2am by a cab rank saying he knows a club in Watford that's open. — Danny Wallace (@dannywallace) August 19, 2020
5.
Hardly seems worth Staying Alert anymore, given how very fucking safe everywhere is. Great job, everyone. https://t.co/tOxq4qKtF8 — 🏳🌈 Max 🏳🌈 (@SpillerOfTea) August 20, 2020
6.
Everyone back to work, come on, it's perfectly safe, have we ever lied to you? pic.twitter.com/xLWi3pAbea — HappyToast ★ (@IamHappyToast) August 20, 2020
7.
All thought to have caught coronavirus while working:
Boris Johnson
Dominic Cummings
Chris Whitty
Nadine Dorries
Matt Hancockhttps://t.co/ZPKf5S0zey — Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) August 20, 2020
8.
Coronavirus passed on in the home not the office claims Wanksock. Where the fuck do you think those people brought it home from, or did they cook some up in the kitchen? https://t.co/P3S2IUhbrO — HappyToast ★ (@IamHappyToast) August 20, 2020
9.
I'm not an expert on this, but is it not just a little bit possible that the lack of evidence showing how easily Covid-19 might spread in offices has slightly more to do with most offices having been closed than the disease suddenly thinking, "nah, I'll infect them after 5pm"? — Dan Sohege (@stand_for_all) August 20, 2020
Naomi Smith had a question.
Matt Hancock insists no reason not to go back to work as 'little evidence' coronavirus is passed on in offices. But what about on packed trains, tubes and buses on the way to work? https://t.co/5Ap98JYGMI — Naomi Smith 🇬🇧🇪🇺🏳🌈 (@pimlicat) August 19, 2020
Presumably, Grant Shapps will be on hand to say there’s little evidence of coronavirus transmission on public transport.
READ MORE
Matt Hancock blamed Manchester’s renewed lockdown on households mingling – the 11 best responses
Image Screengrab, @adolfofelix on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-08-22--This driving theory test question went viral because it really reminded people of someone

There was something about this question on the government ’ s driving theory test that really reminded people of someone @ @ @ @ @ writer Mollie Goodfellow – @ hansmollman on Twitter – who said : ‘ Screaming at @ @ @ @ @ on the government ’ s official website.
’ Here it is .
And if one @ @ @ @ @ you of someone , then you weren ’ t alone .
Not that the theory @ @ @ @ @ answers .
Our 12 favourite things people have said about the Daily Mail ’ s @ @ @ @

Twitter
There was something about this question on the government’s driving theory test website that really reminded people of someone.
It was shared by writer Mollie Goodfellow – @hansmollman on Twitter – who said: ‘Screaming at this driving theory test question on the government’s official website.’
Here it is.
And if one of the possible answers reminded you of someone, then you weren’t alone.
It’s weird, I selected D and it’s telling me that’s…wrong? — Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) August 21, 2020
Correct answer is ‘drive a short distance to Barnard Castle’ — AJ (@Jonesy_Bones) August 21, 2020
There’s a civil servant somewhere trolling hard. 100% here for it. — CynicalTurtle (@CynicalTurtle) August 21, 2020
Not that the theory test is immune to unconventional answers.
There was one about what you should do if you’ve drunk alcohol before needing to drive somewhere and one of the answers was “drink a glass of milk” which I think about a lot — Nick Walker (@nickw84) August 21, 2020
I remember one on my theory test asking what to do if you’re helping someone who’s been in an accident, and one of the possible answers was “offer them a cigarette” — I am not MAN (@Trishie_D) August 21, 2020
READ MORE
Our 12 favourite things people have said about the Daily Mail’s Boris Johnson camping photo
Source Twitter @hansmollman Image Pixabay