thepoke--2020-03-12--Dominic Raab was coughing into his hand in the Commons – the only 5 sick burns you need to read

While the sight of the Tories giving the magic money tree a good old shake was extraordinary enough , during @ @ @ @ @ there was something else distracting people from the parliamentary proceedings .
If Dominic Raab hoped @ @ @ @ @ it was the example of someone determined to spread the plague .
These were our @ @ @ @ @ Secretary ’ s unsubtle cough .
In possibly – but probably not – unconnected news @ @ @ @ @ could that possibly be ?
Boris Johnson will not have a coronavirus test despite Nadine @ @ @ @ @ only 4 responses you need

Twitter
While the sight of the Tories giving the magic money tree a good old shake was extraordinary enough, during Wednesday’s budget, there was something else distracting people from the parliamentary proceedings.
Dominic Raab is coughing his guts out and not covering his mouth with a tissue. Who says Tories aren’t generous – he’s more than happy to share his germs with everyone.#PMQs #coronavirusuk pic.twitter.com/0odiCCDVpU — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) March 11, 2020
If Dominic Raab hoped to lead by example, it was the example of someone determined to spread the plague.
These were our favourite reactions to the Foreign Secretary’s unsubtle cough.
1.
Grant Shapps is a million per cent convinced that Dominic Raab has coronavirus pic.twitter.com/DqJPDQrOL4 — MrPaulRobinson (@MrPaulRobinson) March 11, 2020
2.
Dominic Raab is like the one in the zombie film who is trying to pretend everything's fine but is slowly turning a sickly shade of yellow and starting to fantasise about devouring the contents of someone's skull. Liz Truss is the hapless idiot who's in terrible, terrible danger. pic.twitter.com/VhJI2IHlW3 — Gpoptosis (@Gpoptosis) March 11, 2020
3.
Grant Shapps coming to the rapid realisation hes about to catch ye old coronavirus thanks to Dominic Raab spreading it on live tv pic.twitter.com/5ySkx2sa3N — M. (@Mbx_1) March 11, 2020
4.
Well, good to see Dominic Raab's following medical advice and not coughing into his…oh.
At least he's self-isolating after contact a #coronavirus patient so he can't spread…oh.
As long as he's not symptomatic and spending a prolonged time in close contact with crowds of…oh. — DeadManRunning (@DeadManRunning1) March 11, 2020
5.
I have a special self isolation unit for Dominic Raab pic.twitter.com/Kv0G47jyyp — BarryDave (@Truefactsbarry) March 11, 2020
In possibly – but probably not – unconnected news, this happened.
Cabinet minister is self-isolating having been tested for corona virus today – awaiting results tomorrow — Laura Kuenssberg (@bbclaurak) March 11, 2020
Who could that possibly be?
READ MORE
Boris Johnson will not have a coronavirus test despite Nadine Dorries’ positive diagnosis – only 4 responses you need
Source Parody Boris Johnson Image YouTube


thepoke--2020-03-12--“Should orgies keep going in the age of coronavirus?” is peak Guardian – 9 funny reactions

As the coronavirus outbreak has been declared a pandemic by the World Health Organization and even the US has admitted @ @ @ @ @ problem , people everywhere are considering their lifestyle and what changes should be made .
@ @ @ @ @ home from school , more people are doing their shopping online , restaurant bookings have @ @ @ @ @ the Guardian is wondering whether orgies will have to wait until the pandemic passes .
@ @ @ @ @ Guardian ’ s question about free school meals

Weird World
As the coronavirus outbreak has been declared a pandemic by the World Health Organization and even the US has admitted it’s a genuine problem, people everywhere are considering their lifestyle and what changes should be made.
Parents are keeping their children home from school, more people are doing their shopping online, restaurant bookings have fallen off a cliff and the Guardian is wondering whether orgies will have to wait until the pandemic passes.
Wait, what?
Hands off! Should orgies keep going in the age of coronavirus? https://t.co/9xOflw5Odc — The Guardian (@guardian) March 11, 2020
People enjoyed the paper’s very niche concern.
1.
Slightly cheered by the thought that Guardian readers might be anxious about orgy attendance this difficult time. https://t.co/tZISjpu8G2 — India Knight (@indiaknight) March 11, 2020
2.
If we stop having orgies the virus has won https://t.co/HpunxcjUNm — James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 11, 2020
3.
Like I’m worried about getting on the bus and there’s folks out there wondering if they should cancel a riding party. 😐 https://t.co/C57F6gXVpJ — PJ Gallagher (@pjgallagher) March 11, 2020
4.
I'm glad the guardian is here to ask the difficult questions https://t.co/qjgouXYrvS — Frances Weetman (@francesweetman) March 11, 2020
5.
Of course otherwise who is going to eat the bucket of guacamole I made? Not those ungrateful crows again that’s for sure they got sick all over my crocs and I had to wash them at 2am in a puddle in my neighbour’s garden https://t.co/LQEWWoYB1j — Son of the Hound (@sonofhound) March 11, 2020
6.
Top of my list of questions this was https://t.co/ehd6ngDvaI — jane martinson (@janemartinson) March 11, 2020
7.
I’m sorry but I have no intention of washing it in 60% alcohol hand wash. https://t.co/8knqPv7hT2 — . (@twlldun) March 11, 2020
8.
should clickbait keep going in the age of coronavirus? https://t.co/xja37cyAI3 — Jim Pickard (@PickardJE) March 11, 2020
9.
"Catch it in a tissue and bin it!" They'll be fine! https://t.co/TUmkVWY9FN — Audrey (@AudreyAurus1) March 11, 2020
Author Jon Ronson had other concerns.
READ MORE
11 biting responses to the Guardian’s question about free school meals
Source Guardian Image @tinaflour and @cdc on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-03-12--Watch the Dutch Prime Minister absolutely lose it after his coronavirus speech

It ’ s hard to break the habit of a lifetime , and the fact that you ’ ve just @ @ @ @ @ doesn ’ t help .
Just watch Dutch Prime Minister , Mark Rutte , as @ @ @ @ @ can see him tailspin into a proper panic as a handshake leads to a whole @ @ @ @ @ does everything but kiss the guy .
Here ’ s what Redditors thought of the @ @ @ @ @ thought Rutte should have gone all in on his mistake .
That ’ s pretty @ @ @ @ @ ‘ Don ’ t die of coronavirus without seeing this first , the finest clip @ @ @ @ @ year

Videos
It’s hard to break the habit of a lifetime, and the fact that you’ve just given a speech about it doesn’t help. Just watch Dutch Prime Minister, Mark Rutte, as he proves it.
You can see him tailspin into a proper panic as a handshake leads to a whole lot of touching. He does everything but kiss the guy.
Here’s what Redditors thought of the gaffe.
Someone named u/summit462 thought Rutte should have gone all in on his mistake.
That’s pretty much what he did.
READ MORE
‘Don’t die of coronavirus without seeing this first, the finest clip you’ll watch this year
Source r/WatchPeopleDieInside Image r/WatchPeopleDieInside


thepoke--2020-03-12--Chris Grayling is to lead the Intelligence Committee – this is not a drill

Serial political failure , Chris Grayling , has been appointed head of the Intelligence Committee , which many are saying is an oxymoron .
It ’ s certainly some kind of moron .
Here are some reasons why most people wouldn ’ t give him a job .
He cost the taxpayers £170m when the probation service had to be renationalised due to a string of catastrophic failures with his privatisation experiment .
He cost the taxpayer £47m when he hired a ferry company with no experience and no ferries for £14m , before having to pay £33m in compensation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ His changes to the legal aid system and court fees led to a record number of people unable to afford representation in court , criminalising and fining people later found to be innocent .
Political journalist , Ian Dunt , was stunned at Failing Grayling ’ s return to a fairly frontline position .
He wasn ’ t the only one struggling to see the logic .
Finally , Nigel Nicholson saw through the thought process .
This newspaper profile of Chris Grayling is brutal but the correction is the most devastating bit

News
Serial political failure, Chris Grayling, has been appointed head of the Intelligence Committee, which many are saying is an oxymoron. It’s certainly some kind of moron.
Here are some reasons why most people wouldn’t give him a job.
He cost the taxpayers £170m when the probation service had to be renationalised due to a string of catastrophic failures with his privatisation experiment. He cost the taxpayer £47m when he hired a ferry company with no experience and no ferries for £14m, before having to pay £33m in compensation because his hiring process was unfair. His changes to the legal aid system and court fees led to a record number of people unable to afford representation in court, criminalising and fining people later found to be innocent.
Political journalist, Ian Dunt, was stunned at Failing Grayling’s return to a fairly frontline position.
Chris Grayling is going to chair the intelligence committee. No, it's not a joke. It is actually real. https://t.co/V3VM8sQLXW — Ian Dunt (@IanDunt) March 10, 2020
He wasn’t the only one struggling to see the logic.
1.
Today in couldn't-make-it-up-land • Health Minister catches Coronavirus whilst signing the act making Coronavirus a notifiable disease, then doesn't notify anybody for 5 days • Chris Grayling appointed to Intelligence Committee — Russ (@RussInCheshire) March 10, 2020
2.
You let Chris Grayling do a funeral? pic.twitter.com/RveUd2VC7J — PuzzledPolitico (@Cat_n_Bagpipes) March 11, 2020
3.
Since Grayling is bound to leave the report on a bus we can all expect to see it very shortly https://t.co/oXkEliNHJc — Peter Stefanovic (@PeterStefanovi2) March 11, 2020
4.
Huge fan of this characterisation of Chris Grayling as ‘controversial’ and not ‘the comically fucking inept barrel of nothing who handed a multimillion pound government contract to a ferry company with no ferries and a pizza menu for its terms and conditions’. pic.twitter.com/Kzya1ht0K8 — 🏳🌈 Max 🏳🌈 (@SpillerOfTea) March 11, 2020
5.
Just when you think things can’t get any worse and the government can’t get any stupider. https://t.co/9QKq7Q92p1 — David Schneider (@davidschneider) March 10, 2020
6.
When I needed someone to mishandle the Russia Report, Chris Grayling had the perfect track record: -privatised probation services, costing £171m
-offered £13m contract to ferry company with no ferries
-oversaw years of misery and chaos on railways#FailingGrayling — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) March 11, 2020
7.
Finally, Nigel Nicholson saw through the thought process.
Logical??
If Chris Grayling can hire a ferry company with no ferries does it follow
that he can run an intelligence committee with no intelligence. pic.twitter.com/6vrMLc0PDP — Nigel Nicholson (@blackyellowbrd) March 11, 2020
READ MORE
This newspaper profile of Chris Grayling is brutal but the correction is the most devastating bit
Source Ian Dunt Image Telegraph and Mail screengrabs


thepoke--2020-03-11--Michael Gove pouring water over his phone is the content we all need right now

This should take your mind off the outside world for a moment or two .
It ’ s – Google @ @ @ @ @ the duchy of Lancaster Michael Gove pouring water over his own phone at a Commons @ @ @ @ @ so pleased with his so-called joke that he forgot what the hell he was doing @ @ @ @ @ did ( stick with it , folks ) .
Boris Johnson will not have a @ @ @ @ @ ’ positive diagnosis – only 4 responses you need

Videos
This should take your mind off the outside world for a moment or two. It’s – Google, Google – chancellor of the duchy of Lancaster Michael Gove pouring water over his own phone at a Commons committee today.
He was so pleased with his so-called joke that he forgot what the hell he was doing. And thank goodness he did (stick with it, folks).
Michael Gove was so pleased with his attempt at humour at the FREU committee he poured water onto his own phone and papers pic.twitter.com/Jkvj83vipQ — Alain Tolhurst (@Alain_Tolhurst) March 11, 2020
Beautifully done, sir!
The old *pause for effect before pouring* going very awry pic.twitter.com/7dET5rrb99 — Alain Tolhurst (@Alain_Tolhurst) March 11, 2020
He seems to find water challenging pic.twitter.com/MNawfKv6kq — Montag (@Yeboaahh) March 11, 2020
Our nation being run by people who literally can't pour a glass of water. — We Need EU 🇪🇺 👊 🇪🇺 (@WeNeedEU) March 11, 2020
That is cocaine affecting his concentration! — Glenn Coutts (@GlennCoutts) March 11, 2020
Also, this.
Whenever I see Michael Gove twitch or slip and fall on his arse, I like to believe he's surrounded by the ghosts of everything he's ever fucked up as a politician. A chorus of endless mute screams all around his head and at some subconcious level he is dimly aware. — Smallbrainfield (@Smallbrainfield) March 4, 2020
READ MORE
Boris Johnson will not have a coronavirus test despite Nadine Dorries’ positive diagnosis – only 4 responses you need
H/T Indy100 Source @Alain_Tolhurst


thepoke--2020-03-11--Favourite 15 things people said about chancellor Rishi Sunak’s first budget

Chancellor Rishi Sunak has just delivered his first budget and we watched it so you didn ’ t have to @ @ @ @ @ 15 things people said about it .
There was also this ( before the chancellor @ @ @ @ @ budget ) .
The chancellor ’ s folder magically changed colour from red to green @ @ @ @

Twitter
Chancellor Rishi Sunak has just delivered his first budget and we watched it so you didn’t have to. Here are our favourite 15 things people said about it.
1.
Congratulations to Rishi Sunak, who just announced the Labour Party’s first budget in a decade. — Ash Sarkar (@AyoCaesar) March 11, 2020
2.
I KNEW there was a magic money tree. — Richard K Herring (@Herring1967) March 11, 2020
3.
Rishi Sunak has strong “me on payday” vibes. — Hannah Al-Othman (@HannahAlOthman) March 11, 2020
4.
Did Rishi Sunak join the Conservative party by mistake? What a fascinating & potentially excellent budget. — James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) March 11, 2020
5.
this budget has the vibe of your friend who’s going on about how they can’t come out bc they’re broke and then they’re still in the pub at 11.30 — Esther Webber (@estwebber) March 11, 2020
6.
Line on page 3 of #budget2020:
“For too long the UK has under-invested in infrastructure, leaving many people stuck with delays & poor service” wow they’re gonna be shocked when they find out who was in government for the last 10 years — Abby Tomlinson (@twcuddleston) March 11, 2020
7.
Sunak: “Whatever our NHS needs for coronavirus it will get, whether millions or billions. Though none of this money was there for all those who died waiting in A&E corridors or for operations or for mental heatlh support or for new staff or to pay nurses etc etc” #Budget2020 — David Schneider (@davidschneider) March 11, 2020
8.
Take a shot everytime @RishiSunak says "getting it done" I'm onto my second bottle of cafe patron. — Nihal Arthanayake (@TherealNihal) March 11, 2020
9.
Shout out to my mum who texted at the precise moment the budget speech ended to point out that the chancellor is the same age as me. — Callum May (@callummay) March 11, 2020
10.
Coronavirus is going to eat this budget and shit it into a woodchipper. And they know this. So they can promise whatever they want only to renege on it at a later date due to ‘circumstances beyond out control’. Believe none of it. — Nick Pettigrew (@Nick_Pettigrew) March 11, 2020
11.
I know it’s a tough gig responding to a Budget you’ve just heard but Corbyn delivers these speeches as though he’s never spoken out loud before. He’s like my mum when she reads the TV guide out “Patrick Steward… Stewart? Starts, sorry, STARS in this sky fi, sci-fi? sequel” — Matt Forde (@mattforde) March 11, 2020
12.
This budget is like me saying I need to put all my money in an ISA to buy a house, but then buying a £60 candle from Liberty, a holiday to Ibiza, and a round of tequila shots for everyone in the pub. — Hannah Al-Othman (@HannahAlOthman) March 11, 2020
13.
Well it’s quite a nicely delivered budget but a pity he couldn’t find a catchphrase to hang it on — Patrick Kidd (@patrick_kidd) March 11, 2020
14.
Sunak mocking John McDonnell now. Which is ironic, because if this budget works it will vindicate just about everything McDonnell has ever said on economics. — (((Dan Hodges))) (@DPJHodges) March 11, 2020
15.
I mean, if you’d told me the Tories were going to embrace Marxism, I’d have laughed in your face, but HERE WE ARE. — Emma Kennedy (@EmmaKennedy) March 11, 2020
There was also this (before the chancellor stood up to deliver his budget).
Dominic Raab is coughing his guts out and not covering his mouth with a tissue. Who says Tories aren’t generous – he’s more than happy to share his germs with everyone.#PMQs #coronavirusuk pic.twitter.com/0odiCCDVpU — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) March 11, 2020
And a big PS from @richardosman.
My Budget Day announcement is that you can now get mint Malteser Buttons. — Richard Osman (@richardosman) March 11, 2020
READ MORE
The chancellor’s folder magically changed colour from red to green and minds are blown


thepoke--2020-03-11--Boris Johnson will not have a coronavirus test despite Nadine Dorries’ positive diagnosis – only 4 r

Boris Johnson will not have a coronavirus test despite Nadine Dorries’ positive diagnosis – only 4 responses you need

You ’ ll have seen by now that Nadine Dorries has become the first government minister to test positive for @ @ @ @ @ health minister testing positive – and attending a reception at 10 Downing Street last week @ @ @ @ @ will not be having a coronavirus test .
And these are the only 4 responses @ @ @ @ @ said the UK should take coronavirus “ on the chin ” – the only 4 @ @ @

Pics
You’ll have seen by now that Nadine Dorries has become the first government minister to test positive for coronavirus.
But despite the health minister testing positive – and attending a reception at 10 Downing Street last week – prime minister Boris Johnson will not be having a coronavirus test.
A Downing Street source says Prime Minister Boris Johnson has no coronavirus symptoms so there is no need for him to have a test — Sky News Breaking (@SkyNewsBreak) March 11, 2020
And these are the only 4 responses you need.
This is not sound advice https://t.co/MCpHsOVrPW — Dr Adam Rutherford (@AdamRutherford) March 11, 2020
I refuse all tests on principle, just in case it is a ploy to get my DNA for a paternity claim. https://t.co/ZCCKbzmK2U — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) March 11, 2020
Correct me if I'm wrong, – but Medically Speaking, I think this is 'BOLLOCKS' ? If Patients were only infectious when they displayed Symptoms, we would NOT be in this situation ? — HuntedTeamNick #BrexitIsACoup #ReJoin (@HuntedTeamNick) March 11, 2020
I don't understand . As usual, I invite an explanation from experts because I am NOT an expert. But shouldn't as many people as possible be tested – especially people with a known contact – but also random tests – to establish precisely what is happening in the population? https://t.co/V5TKn9UQvl — Brian Cox (@ProfBrianCox) March 11, 2020
To conclude, this.
Keep deferring pls and we can have the most dramatic, British thing ever happen and the Prime Minister die after successfully driving the country into a tree. Big ol' plot twist for the end of Brexit Season 1. https://t.co/3tKXn0nzpz — Sam Driver-Tweddell (@LessDefined) March 11, 2020
READ MORE
Boris Johnson said the UK should take coronavirus “on the chin” – the only 4 reactions you need


thepoke--2020-03-11--The 5 absolute worst reactions to Bernie Sanders’ call for a free coronavirus vaccine

It ’ s looking as though Bernie Sanders has fallen too far behind in the race for the Democratic nomination to catch up , but the socialist candidate still has the power to rile the Republicans .
Recently , he posted his thoughts on the possibility of a vaccine being developed .
Since many Americans struggle to afford essential medication , such as asthma inhalers and insulin for diabetes , it seems like a free vaccine would be the only one to get a big enough uptake to guarantee herd immunity .
A lot of MAGA Twitter thought a free @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get paid to make it , while even more wondered what the motivation would be if they couldn ’ t sell it – apart from , presumably , not dying .
There were also plenty who just wanted to call Senator Sanders a Commie .
These were the very worst takes we saw .
Political commentator Edward Hardy stated why it couldn ’ t happen anyway .
It wasn ’ t all bad .
Some people called for a different pathway – one of Bernie ’ s own policies , as it happens @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump said people can go to work with the coronavirus – 7 sick burns

Pics
It’s looking as though Bernie Sanders has fallen too far behind in the race for the Democratic nomination to catch up, but the socialist candidate still has the power to rile the Republicans.
Recently, he posted his thoughts on the possibility of a vaccine being developed.
Once a vaccine for coronavirus is developed, it should be free. — Bernie Sanders (@BernieSanders) March 8, 2020
Since many Americans struggle to afford essential medication, such as asthma inhalers and insulin for diabetes, it seems like a free vaccine would be the only one to get a big enough uptake to guarantee herd immunity.
A lot of MAGA Twitter thought a free vaccine meant the workers wouldn’t get paid to make it, while even more wondered what the motivation would be if they couldn’t sell it – apart from, presumably, not dying.
There were also plenty who just wanted to call Senator Sanders a Commie.
These were the very worst takes we saw.
Political commentator Edward Hardy stated why it couldn’t happen anyway.
But it won't be because America's healthcare system is controlled by corporations that put profits above patients https://t.co/C2DmGmHzMJ — Edward Hardy (@EdwardTHardy) March 8, 2020
It wasn’t all bad. Some people called for a different pathway – one of Bernie’s own policies, as it happens.
Medicare For All NOW. — Sergio Siano (@SergioJSiano) March 8, 2020
What might have been.
READ MORE
Donald Trump said people can go to work with the coronavirus – 7 sick burns
Source Bernie Sanders Image CBS, @cdc on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-03-13--This sat nav’s next best route because of flooding in Australia is something else

It ’ s not unusual for a satnav ( or these days , your phone ) to send you on @ @ @ @ @ route because of traffic , closed roads , that kind of stuff .
But we @ @ @ @ @ alternative route quite so punishing as this , shared by YungFerg on Reddit who said @ @ @ @ @ and Broome is closed due to flooding , below is the closest detour on paved @ @ @ @ @ the closest but it ’ s not exactly close .
And our favourite things people @ @ @ @ @ Hey boss , I will be like a week late today , there ’ s @ @ @ @ @ to work .
Thanks ” froggiethefrog ‘ If you ’ re limiting yourself to paved @ @ @ @ @ travelling in Australia.
’ Throwaway995485 ‘ I kind of assumed that all the roads in @ @ @ @ @ for that matter that everyone drove subarus.
’ Agent_216 Wait so how long does it @ @ @ @ @ Man drives car into river because his satnav told him to .
Idiot

Pics
It’s not unusual for a sat nav (or these days, most likely your phone) to send you on a slightly longer than expected route because of traffic, closed roads, that kind of stuff.
But we’ve never had an alternative route quite so punishing as this, shared by YungFerg on Reddit who said: ‘Road between Kununurra and Broome is closed due to flooding, below is the closest detour on paved roads.’
It might be the closest but it’s not exactly close.
And our favourite things people said about it.
“Hey boss, I will be like a week late today, there’s a detour on my way to work. Thanks” froggiethefrog ‘If you’re limiting yourself to paved roads you have no business travelling in Australia.’ Throwaway995485 ‘I kind of assumed that all the roads in Australia were dirt. And for that matter that everyone drove subarus.’ Agent_216 Wait so how long does it normally take?’ SisypheanDreamer ‘Usually 11 hours.’ YungFerg ‘ROOOOADTRIP!’ 192838475647382910
READ MORE
Man drives car into river because his satnav told him to. Idiot
Source Reddit u/YungFerg


thepoke--2020-03-13--This TikToker absolutely nails the cringeworthy format of property shows

Presenter and multi-platform performer , Niall Gray , has an enviable online presence , entertaining people on all the big @ @ @ @ @ a couple of recent posts , he managed to boil down the phenomenon of the @ @ @ @ @ essential elements – and it ’ s simply perfect .
If he ever gives up @ @ @ @ @ on the internet , these clips make him a shoo-in for any vacancies on A @ @ @ @ @ Here ’ s what people have been saying about Niall ’ s take on property @ @ @ @ @ had this thought .
That would be a waste , frankly .
We want to @ @ @ @ @ show .
Check out his YouTube and Instagram , if you ’ re looking for @ @ @ @ @ off the news .
Nothing to see here – except a supercut of Dion Dublin @ @ @ @

Videos
Presenter and multi-platform performer, Niall Gray, has an enviable online presence, entertaining people on all the big social media sites.
On a couple of recent posts, he managed to boil down the phenomenon of the ubiquitous property show to its essential elements – and it’s simply perfect.
Here’s part 1.
Part 2.
If he ever gives up radio presenting and being funny on the internet, these clips make him a shoo-in for any vacancies on A Place in the Sun.
Here’s what people have been saying about Niall’s take on property shows.
Someone named Abby had this thought.
That would be a waste, frankly. We want to see him with a comedy show.
Check out his YouTube and Instagram, if you’re looking for something to take your mind off the news.
READ MORE
Nothing to see here – except a supercut of Dion Dublin explaining where stairs go
Source Niall Gray Image Niall Gray


thepoke--2020-03-13--This American says coronavirus was invented to beat Donald Trump and it’s next level stuff

This woman went viral on Twitter after she shared her stepfather ’ s thoughts on coronavirus .
Specifically , on @ @ @ @ @ Australia .
And it ’ s funny and utterly terrifying in roughly equal measure .
@ @ @ @ @ s thoughts on the corona virus.. crazy cause he is so NOT the conspiracy theory @ @ @ @ @ @ hayley_htx .
This coronavirus conspiracy theory is like a tinfoil hatter ’ s greatest @

Weird World
This woman went viral on Twitter after she shared her stepfather’s thoughts on coronavirus. Specifically, on Tom Hanks testing positive on Australia.
And it’s funny and utterly terrifying in roughly equal measure.
‘My step dad’s thoughts on the corona virus.. crazy cause he is so NOT the conspiracy theory type lol,’ wrote @hayley_htx.
Nailed it!
oh he went full tin foil hat. put the whole suit on. https://t.co/ilEYQeyH0S — feeno (@ArianFoster) March 12, 2020
We Americans really think everything is about us, don’t we? — destanie (@destanievt) March 12, 2020
Seems that all Trumpers do is peddle in the craziest wildest conspiracy theory to make their god right — 49ersush (@9ersush) March 12, 2020
But surely no-one believes this stuff.
I’ve been saying this shit for like 2 weeks https://t.co/SOjgYf5qsr — Tait Larson (@taitlarson) March 12, 2020
It’s actually very true… 99% of the media is liberal will do anything to get rid of this president. This is their last ditch effort — BV93 (@myopinions93) March 12, 2020
He has a damn point!!! https://t.co/vwhzK2O4oq — Mamíí (@atiralyons) March 12, 2020
so glad i was not the only one who thought this way https://t.co/1KT28KDI7W — |brooke and honey| (@brookeyyashleyy) March 12, 2020
This man is speaking the truth https://t.co/PhguYhBTsC — Aaron Cardenas (@aaronvisuals69) March 12, 2020
Oh.
READ MORE
This coronavirus conspiracy theory is like a tinfoil hatter’s greatest hits
Source Twitter @hayley_htx


thepoke--2020-03-13--This Daily Mail reader’s 13-point plan to improve the BBC is so unhinged it’s magnificent

Lots of debate right now about the future of the BBC .
Boris Johnson ’ s government isn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ long , hard look at the licence fee , but it might be the least @ @ @ @ @ Anyway , this Daily Mail reader might have the answer , a 12-point plan to @ @ @ @ @ a very funny read , shared on Twitter by the great @ DMReporter .
If @ @ @ @ @ Mail reader comment about Harry and Meghan , make it this one

Popular
Lots of debate right now about the future of the BBC. Boris Johnson’s government isn’t the first to take a long, hard look at the licence fee, but it might be the least disposed to keep it.
Anyway, this Daily Mail reader might have the answer, a 12-point plan to improve the BBC which is a very funny read, shared on Twitter by the great @DMReporter.
C’est magnifique!
Sounds like a great plan to make the BBC impartial. Nothing says balanced and impartial like banning any opposing points of view. — Andy (@andyk187) March 12, 2020
Is that commentator serious? They don't seem to realise that "Fawlty Towers" was a 'lefty' sitcom for its time. Basil Fawlty was a piss-take of Mail types! — Mark Raven (@MarkRaven1973) March 12, 2020
Good Lord. Plenty to point out here, but Rising Damp was on ITV, not BBC. — Keith Jackson (@HullKRJ) March 12, 2020
And don’t forget you can follow @DMReporter on Twitter here.
READ MORE
If you read only one Daily Mail reader comment about Harry and Meghan, make it this one
Source Twitter @DMReporter Image Pixabay


thepoke--2020-03-13--This BBC newsreader had a funny voice moment and it’ll make your day better

Here ’ s BBC newsreader Carrie Gracie who had a funny voice moment – only for a second – but @ @ @ @ @ mind off the rest of the world for a moment or two .
Haha , @ @ @ @ @ right .
Peter Sissons – not only a great newsreader but with this Anne Robinson @ @ @ @ @ all-time great outtake

Videos
Here’s BBC newsreader Carrie Gracie who had a funny voice moment – only for a second – but it’ll take your mind off the rest of the world for a moment or two.
I genuinely thought she was about to break into song! 😂 pic.twitter.com/3ElZn83n7g — Elliot Gonzalez (@elliot_gonzalez) March 12, 2020
Haha, yes, that is absolutely right.
I literally cannot stop laughing at this 🤣🤣🤣🤣 — claire stafford (@cstaff1006) March 12, 2020
READ MORE
Peter Sissons – not only a great newsreader but with this Anne Robinson clip, responsible for an all-time great outtake
Source Twitter @elliot_gonzalez


thepoke--2020-03-13--15 Things You Hear In A Taxi And Also During Sex (NSFW)

The beautiful thing about language is how it ’ s designed for multi-tasking .
“ Going out ” can mean @ @ @ @ @ can heavily imply staying in , in the right context .
Similarly , so many @ @ @ @ @ also be appropriate in a taxi – not that we ’ re suggesting you have @ @ @ @ @ which will definitely get you a clean-up penalty , if not a prison sentence .
@ @ @ @ @ , Stu , asked twitter about those phrases .
Some of the replies were eye @ @ @ @ @ them were funny , and of course – NSFW .
These were our favourites .

Twitter
The beautiful thing about language is how it’s designed for multi-tasking. “Going out” can mean exactly that, but it can heavily imply staying in, in the right context.
Similarly, so many expressions used during sex could also be appropriate in a taxi – not that we’re suggesting you have sex in a taxi, which will definitely get you a clean-up penalty, if not a prison sentence.
Funny tweeter and cat wrangler, Stu, asked twitter about those phrases.
I was thinking of Things You Hear In A Taxi And Also During Sex, and I'll go first with
"Don't you have anything smaller?" over to you, twitter — Stu. (@dysondoc) March 11, 2020
Some of the replies were eye watering, and all of them were funny, and of course – NSFW.
These were our favourites.
1.
"I won't go south of the river." https://t.co/0iw96x4ACZ — JUST PHIL. (@philswales) March 12, 2020
2.
"Can you stop, I think I'm going to be sick." https://t.co/DrELNwH7Up — june lewins (@joonloons) March 11, 2020
3.
“Have you ever had anyone famous in here?” https://t.co/mVUPtNe1Jy — Ian Power (@IHPower) March 12, 2020
4.
“Sorry you can’t go in that way” https://t.co/iNSbKUYbP6 — Sugarbush 🇬🇧🇪🇺 (@TheSnazzinator) March 11, 2020
5.
You'll never guess who I had in the back the other day… — Duncan Willis (@Superproprep) March 11, 2020
6.
Do you mind if I go up front? You might need directions towards the end. — QT (@QuebecTango) March 11, 2020
7.


thepoke--2020-03-13--Gloria Gaynor washing her hands to “I Will Survive” is the best thing to come out of the coronavirus

Since the government told us that we need to wash our hands for 20 seconds each time , and suggested @ @ @ @ @ , people have been trying to come up with something better to time the activity @ @ @ @ @ a favourite song that fits the time requirements , a few have mooted comedy titles @ @ @ @ @ close to this incredibly apt suggestion from disco legend , Gloria Gaynor .
HIV educator @ @ @ @ @ video on Twitter , where it ’ s picked up more than two million views @ @ @ @ @ .
Let ’ s take a look at some of the comments .
Best of @ @ @ @ @ post and had this to say .
She ’ s so right .
Gloria Gaynor @ @ @ @ @ Happy Birthday alternatives to sing whilst washing your hands for 20 seconds

Videos
Since the government told us that we need to wash our hands for 20 seconds each time, and suggested we sing Happy Birthday twice, people have been trying to come up with something better to time the activity.
Most people have found a favourite song that fits the time requirements, a few have mooted comedy titles, but none has come close to this incredibly apt suggestion from disco legend, Gloria Gaynor.
HIV educator, Grant, shared the video on Twitter, where it’s picked up more than two million views in less than ten hours.
Gloria Gaynor washing her hands to I Will Survive is the hand washing video I didn’t know I needed pic.twitter.com/3HotD7RsS6 — grant 🧔🏻 (@urdadssidepiece) March 12, 2020
Let’s take a look at some of the comments.
Gloria Gaynor has now done more for the health and welfare of the United States than the president. https://t.co/20IrcjJd2g — Dow Kimbrell (@DowKimbrell) March 13, 2020
Y’all had me so fucking scared thinking Gloria Gaynor had Covid19 but she’s just out here doing God’s work https://t.co/fDJUvR5WaQ — Lionels 🥝🇵🇷 (@NamaEliz) March 13, 2020
This is a gift and I fear we're not worthy of it https://t.co/k9l2LMpqp6 — andi zeisler (@andizeisler) March 12, 2020
This is how it’s done https://t.co/fGRzN0lsfE — Michael Mosley (@DrMichaelMosley) March 13, 2020
Best of all, Gloria spotted the post and had this to say.
We all need this Grant! 😘❤🙏👏👏 https://t.co/zi6brqxm7y — Gloria Gaynor (@gloriagaynor) March 13, 2020
She’s so right. Gloria Gaynor for president!
READ MORE
Simply 13 Happy Birthday alternatives to sing whilst washing your hands for 20 seconds
Source TikTok Image TikTok


thepoke--2020-03-13--This entitled YouTuber was furious that his free artwork wasn’t done soon enough

It seems as though it ’ s always those in the creative sector who are expected to give their services for free – or for “ exposure ” .
When one designer agreed to do a big favour for a new YouTuber , he was not only expected to do the work for no money , but also in double-quick time .
The choosing beggar pulled the old “ friend of a friend ” stunt .
It worked !
There was a vague agreement and everything seemed fine .
The YouTuber issued a deadline they were in no position to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ way .
With restraint most of us wouldn ’ t have been able to summon , nitiddesigns explained his position , to no avail .
The beggar ramped up the rudeness and made a bizarre threat .
It was the last straw .
Redditors were unimpressed , to say the least .
The fucken irony the guy doesn ’ t see in this comment he made .
He is costing you money by making you do free art for him !
How can someone be so idiotic .
yimsta This Scottish way of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is very satisfying indeed

Weird World
It seems as though it’s always those in the creative sector who are expected to give their services for free – or for “exposure”.
When one designer agreed to do a big favour for a new YouTuber, he was not only expected to do the work for no money, but also in double-quick time.
Here’s what happened to u/nitiddesigns.
The choosing beggar pulled the old “friend of a friend” stunt.
It worked! There was a vague agreement and everything seemed fine.
It wasn’t …
The YouTuber issued a deadline they were in no position to make – and not in a polite way.
With restraint most of us wouldn’t have been able to summon, nitiddesigns explained his position, to no avail. The beggar ramped up the rudeness and made a bizarre threat.
It was the last straw.
Classic choosing beggar statement:
“Your design skills are trash anyway.”
Redditors were unimpressed, to say the least.
I would’ve blocked at “please get to work” and yet he kept getting worse.
I_upvote_downvotes
You should make a shitty banner in MS Paint telling him to participate in sexual intercourse with himself.
posthamster
“you realize you’re literally costing me money right?” The fucken irony the guy doesn’t see in this comment he made. He is costing you money by making you do free art for him! How can someone be so idiotic.
yimsta
PLOT TWIST
Tell your friend to tell that guy to fuck off.
lubriderm_celica It turns out my friend didn’t even know the guy.
nitiddesigns
READ MORE
This Scottish way of dealing with a ‘choosing beggar’ is very satisfying indeed
Source r/ChoosingBeggars Image r/ChoosingBeggars


thepoke--2020-03-13--A professor set students’ papers on fire trying to microwave away the coronavirus

A student ’ s tweet has gone viral after she revealed that one of the professors set fire to some @ @ @ @ @ them to get rid of the coronavirus .
It just goes to show that even @ @ @ @ @ incredibly stupid .
The incident set Twitter alight , with reactions like these : David @ @ @ @ @ ’ s actions were unnecessary anyway .
When you submit your essay but accidentally send @ @ @ @ @ picture instead

Twitter
A student’s tweet has gone viral after she revealed that one of the professors set fire to some students’ papers by microwaving them to get rid of the coronavirus.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people — emily perez (@Lou16em) March 10, 2020
It just goes to show that even really clever people can be incredibly stupid. The incident set Twitter alight, with reactions like these:
1.
The microwave ate my homework — aran (@arancaytar) March 11, 2020
2.
smh… just wash the paper with soap & water — 🌽 Dreadful Cockroach 🎃 (@DreadRoach) March 10, 2020
3.
Do they normally taste and smell papers whilst grading them? Or think viruses jump at your face? — Blank (@allib4273) March 11, 2020
4.
As a professor, I thank you for this post. This just made my day. Also, for years I have stopped asking for paper copies. Students don't have to rush to find printers, they get some extra time as my deadlines for submission are always at midnight, and I never lose a paper. — Tapoja Chaudhuri (@TapojaTapoja) March 10, 2020
5.
And they blame me for wrecking homework by eating it. 🙄 — Bunsen (@bunsenbernerbmd) March 10, 2020
David Hamilton was certain the professor’s actions were unnecessary anyway.
Silly professor, Corona virus can't survive the three weeks between collecting the papers and them finally getting round to grading — David Hamilton (@physino) March 10, 2020
READ MORE
When you submit your essay but accidentally send your professor a ridiculous cat picture instead
Source @Lou16em Image @thutra0803 and @maxim_tajer on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-03-13--It was handbags at 10 paces for Lord Sugar and Piers Morgan over the UK coronavirus response

The UK remains very different from most places in its approach to attempting to stem the spread of Covid-19 , @ @ @ @ @ being the order of the day .
Some people aren ’ t happy about it @ @ @ @ @ Karen on Facebook , and Piers Morgan .
He may have a point , though @ @ @ @ @ we just said that – but not everybody agreed .
Lord Sugar weighed in with @ @ @ @ @ two have a history of very vocal disagreements , so it was always going to @ @ @ @ @ Sugar got in the last blow – so far .
At the heart of the @ @ @ @ @ – perfectly expressed by Dli O ’ Doir .
It ’ s like having to @ @ @ @ @ .
Alan Sugar bickering with Piers Morgan on Good Morning Britain will make your day @

Twitter
The UK remains very different from most places in its approach to attempting to stem the spread of Covid-19, with advisory measures and instructions being the order of the day.
Some people aren’t happy about it, including medical professionals, Karen on Facebook, and Piers Morgan.
Why is Britain’s medical/scientific advice so radically different to Ireland’s? Can anyone explain? The lack of consistency on how to deal with this threat is very concerning. #coronavirus — Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) March 12, 2020
He may have a point, though we can’t believe we just said that – but not everybody agreed. Lord Sugar weighed in with this unsweetened rebuke.
Why don't you just shut it . Much cleverer people than you are studying this problem. We don't need to you sticking your unqualified oar in and causing trouble . So just shut it @piersmorgan you are not an expert . https://t.co/xTNbFl8glJ — Lord Sugar (@Lord_Sugar) March 12, 2020
The two have a history of very vocal disagreements, so it was always going to be popcorn time.
via GIPHY
Says the world tech ‘expert’ who assured us iPods were ‘dead, kaput, finished’ in 2004 – then watched Apple sell another 400m units.
Pipe down you daft old goat, I’m actually trying to save your life. https://t.co/JHegrYLkLU — Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) March 12, 2020
Lord Sugar got in the last blow – so far.
Sorry one thing has nothing to do with another you deluded tosser…trying to save my life ..hah. Thanks but I would rather let the experts deal with this, not a loud mouth pillock trying to boost his controversial trademark. https://t.co/WtMPNgZPUm — Lord Sugar (@Lord_Sugar) March 13, 2020
The spat split the internet.
Well I wouldn't have quite used that phrasing but I agree with Lord Sugar. https://t.co/6IMM8LNJ7N — Sam Murray (@sammurraytory) March 12, 2020
No claim of being expert, just whinging that there is no consistency, which is a valid concern. Who are you again? https://t.co/noMAS0JkHT — Rahland (@style_and_steel) March 13, 2020
Rarely ever agree with Sugar but spot on here. Scaremongering boring bastard https://t.co/ZIE95VFe6C — Jack⚽ (@Jackobrfc999) March 12, 2020
Everyone screencap this nonsense. I am in the third week of quarantine and this is a serious pandemic. @piersmorgan is absolutely correct. The UK needs to follow Italy's lead and shut down for two weeks. https://t.co/TrXLXkMLQy — Julian Vigo (@lubelluledotcom) March 12, 2020
At the heart of the debate was the real problem – perfectly expressed by Dli O’Doir.
Lord Sugar v Piers Morgan; definitely one for the “why can’t they both lose?” file. https://t.co/VohD9pqz0A — Dli O'Doir (@dli_odoir) March 12, 2020
It’s like having to choose between coronavirus and flu.
READ MORE
Alan Sugar bickering with Piers Morgan on Good Morning Britain will make your day better
Source Piers Morgan Image ITV screengrab


thepoke--2020-03-13--The Who shelved their tour due to virus fears and people are talking ’bout their cancellation

The coronavirus pandemic is having a wide-ranging effect across the world , with all of Italy and parts of several @ @ @ @ @ a ban on people flying into the US within 14 days of having visited the @ @ @ @ @ UK facing the prospect of having to see a sweaty Boris Johnson on TV more @ @ @ @ @ also led to several large-scale gatherings being cancelled , including sporting events , celebrations , @ @ @ @ @ of people made the same connection .
There were some other takes , too .
@ @ @ @ @ help take the edge off

Twitter
The coronavirus pandemic is having a wide-ranging effect across the world, with all of Italy and parts of several other countries in lockdown, a ban on people flying into the US within 14 days of having visited the Schengen Area, and the UK facing the prospect of having to see a sweaty Boris Johnson on TV more than usual.
It has also led to several large-scale gatherings being cancelled, including sporting events, celebrations, and this:
The Who postpone UK tour due to coronavirus https://t.co/lOhMryO5vh pic.twitter.com/ZZnJNCd7bS — The Independent (@Independent) March 12, 2020
A lot of people made the same connection.
Correct decision. I'm not sure how you can coordinate a global response to a pandemic AND tour the UK at the same time. https://t.co/5oiAREzKui — Ben Rathe (@benrathe) March 12, 2020
makes sense considering they were the ones to declare it a pandemic in the first place https://t.co/juHRboWsH8 — stream Physical (@tejmuk) March 12, 2020
Disgrace that the World Health Organisation are abandoning us at this critical time! https://t.co/4cqaxEqomi — Walid Arsenal ⚽ (@1Walid1) March 12, 2020
There were some other takes, too.
🎵 I Can Sneeze For Miles 🎵 https://t.co/koooqJkCs1 — Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) March 12, 2020
The Cure is needed! https://t.co/BoM80f5xS1 — Florian Krammer (@florian_krammer) March 12, 2020
Meanwhile, the Rolling Stones are getting ready for their stadium tour: Mick Jagger is contemplating his ninth child and Keith Richards is licking subway turnstiles with intermittent smoke breaks. https://t.co/F11aJZmSUK — zack (@zacklemore92) March 12, 2020
This is the long-awaited battle of Who vs WHO. Can Jodie Whittaker PLEASE PLEASE get involved! https://t.co/VljqwlckwU — Peter More (@mrpetermore) March 12, 2020
Quarantenia — Josephus (@disneyfacejoe) March 12, 2020
Philip Coggan had another lyrical observation.
Now they hope they DON'T die before they get old… https://t.co/Z2W28RWsB3 — Philip Coggan (@econbartleby) March 12, 2020
We’re afraid that ship’s already sailed.
READ MORE
Simply 13 coronavirus jokes to help take the edge off
Source The Independent Image YouTube screengrab


thepoke--2020-03-13--This comedy aborted handshake is a neat 8-second summary of where we all are right now

As the country – and the world – tries to get to grips with coronavirus , this 8-second clip of @ @ @ @ @ health secretary almost having a handshake is a neat summary of where we are right @ @ @ @ @ also a welcome bit of light relief because , well , have a watch for @ @ @ @ @ tweets to help take the edge off for a moment or two

Videos
As the country – and the world – tries to get to grips with coronavirus, this 8-second clip of the Norwegian prime minister and health secretary almost having a handshake is a neat summary of where we are right now.
It’s also a welcome bit of light relief because, well, have a watch for yourself.
Norwegian prime minister and minister of health handshake situation after corona briefing.#coronapocalypse#FridayThe13th pic.twitter.com/9Zzb7gI5ra — Nazmi TARIM (@tarimnazmi) March 13, 2020
Beautifully done everyone!
READ MORE
Simply 23 coronavirus tweets to help take the edge off for a moment or two
Source Twitter @tarimnazmi


thepoke--2020-03-13--Simply 23 coronavirus tweets to help take the edge off for a moment or two

Come back 2019 , all is forgiven .
As the country tries to get to grips with coronavirus and what @ @ @ @ @ the next few weeks and months , these tweets should help take the edge off @ @ @ @ @ .

News
Come back 2019, all is forgiven. As the country – and the world – tries to get to grips with coronavirus and what is going to happen over the next few weeks and months, these tweets should help take the edge off, just for a bit.
1.
QUARANTINE DIARY Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix — Sir Michael (@Michael1979) March 12, 2020
2.
Movies lied about how the fall of civilisation would happen. They promised zombies and car chases with trucks covered in spikes but really its just working from home and singing happy birthday to yourself as you wash your hands — TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) March 12, 2020
3.
day 89 of quarantine: pic.twitter.com/aCNMOYkPPf — trent andrew (@trentandrewrld) March 12, 2020
4.
I'm homeschooling my kids.
It's tough, especially having to take their lunch money off them & throwing their schoolbags over the hedge but we're getting there — joe heenan (@joeheenan) March 13, 2020
5.
I don’t know if anyone needs to hear this right now, and I’ll admit, I’m no ‘medical expert’, but.. have they tried turning it off and on again?#Covid_19 #LoveYouAll — chris o'dowd (@BigBoyler) March 13, 2020
6.
going to be very depressing when, in two weeks, every website is filled with essays with headlines like "Binge-Watching in the Age of Coronavirus" and "The Radical Feminism of Social Distancing" and "What Quarantine Taught Me About Vulnerability and Self-Care" — Stassa Edwards (@StassaEdwards) March 12, 2020
7.
The U.K. government protecting us from the Coronavirus https://t.co/SDLbEc9NvL — b.b (@benoobrown) March 12, 2020
8.
Just heard someone in the supermarket say “Oh my god, people are behaving like it’s the Second World War.”
So I shot him. — Mr Roger Quimbly (@RogerQuimbly) March 13, 2020
9.
NOTICE TO CATS: In the coming weeks it’s likely that your humans will be spending more time in the house. While this is obviously inconvenient, I estimate distribution of treats could increase significantly (we await modelling on stroking). — Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) March 13, 2020
10.
I’ve woken up feeling achy and not at my best every day for eleven years since having children, so spotting symptoms is not that straightforward. — Stig Abell (@StigAbell) March 12, 2020
11.
Tips for those of you about to start working from home…
1) Wanking. Get to love it.
2) lunch. It’s a big thing. Your entire day will hinge around this.
3) The Postman. They will appear when you are wanking.
4) Radio on ok. TV on bad.
5) Wanking. — John Niven HQ (@estellecostanza) March 9, 2020
12.


thepoke--2020-03-13--19 nice things that made us smile this week

Our weekly round up of some nice things we saw this week that made us smile .
15 nice things @ @ @ @ @ inside this week

Twitter
Our weekly round up of some nice things we saw this week that made us smile.
1.
My lil cousin is the dopest. The most creative lil dude I know. His collection is made from pipe cleaners. pic.twitter.com/MGJSy1EuY3 — ESCO DISCO (@NassirBarrino) March 4, 2020
2.
I can’t stop laughing, what an unexpected turn 😭🤣 pic.twitter.com/fhVVeB6kFH — PC shagger (@_morganh27) March 6, 2020
3.
I don’t know how many times I’ve seen this video but it makes me cry with laughter every single time. pic.twitter.com/eE4nG5jm9a — Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) March 6, 2020
4.
A bashful young wombat trots up to you…
Your day improves. pic.twitter.com/D6eaBKfcgc — Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) March 6, 2020
5.
A judge at a dog show saw a young girl watching from the sidelines. The girl had autism, and she’d brought her stuffed animal. So the judge stopped, walked over to her, and asked if she wanted to show her dog, just like the others. This is pure joy. pic.twitter.com/nMDPOEt2kJ — Vala Afshar (@ValaAfshar) March 7, 2020
6.
When your pup doesn’t like to get her face wet pic.twitter.com/lnEPY0tusI — badly drawn bee 🐝 (@soapachu) March 8, 2020
7.
my cat got surgery and she kept tearing off her surgical cone so we got her a cone from amazon that’s a piece of bread pic.twitter.com/qxYvbSqDfX — emma (@tracesofswift) March 5, 2020
8.
Giant kitten terrorizes city. pic.twitter.com/fuyCD5PEvZ — Giant Military Cats (@giantcat9) March 9, 2020
9.
Cat playing theremin you’re welcome pic.twitter.com/1rYdenoFW8 — WYLIE CABLE (@WylieCable) March 8, 2020
10.


thepoke--2020-03-13--This is the funniest wrong number text you’ll ever read

Simply 23 coronavirus tweets to help take the edge off for a moment or two

Weird World
Over on Twitter @noahapaul received the best wrong number text.
‘Hugs and kisses’
READ MORE
Someone texted the wrong number and if only it was always as entertaining as this
Source Twitter @noahapaul


thepoke--2020-03-13--Turns out we took against the Vikings because they were just too damn presentable

We ’ re grateful to Tharazin over on Reddit for highlighting this theory why the Anglo-Saxons took against the Vikings a thousand or so years ago .
‘ How dare they make themselves presentable , ’ said Tharazin .
And just in case that ’ s tricky to read ( of course it ’ s tricky to read ) .
‘ One 13th century chronicle attributed a slaughter of Danes by Anglo-Saxons in 1002 to the former ’ s irresistibility to the latter ’ s spouses : “ The Danes made themselves too acceptable to English women by their elegant @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ They combed their hair daily , according to the custom of their country , and took a bath every Saturday , and even changed their clothes frequently , and improved the beauty of their bodies with many such trifles , by which means they undermined the chastity of wives.
” And our favourite 3 comments it prompted .
‘ I mean the king who united Norway was known because he made a pact to never cut or comb his hair until he united it under one crown .
Harald Tanglehair , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ also did it to impress a woman.
’ Funderstruck ‘ Well yea how could they resist a man who showers all of once a week.
’ EvolGenius

Pics
We’re grateful to Tharazin over on Reddit for highlighting this theory why the Anglo-Saxons took against the Vikings a thousand or so years ago.
‘How dare they make themselves presentable,’ said Tharazin.
And just in case that’s tricky to read (of course it’s tricky to read).
‘One 13th century chronicle attributed a slaughter of Danes by Anglo-Saxons in 1002 to the former’s irresistibility to the latter’s spouses: “The Danes made themselves too acceptable to English women by their elegant manners and their care of their person. “They combed their hair daily, according to the custom of their country, and took a bath every Saturday, and even changed their clothes frequently, and improved the beauty of their bodies with many such trifles, by which means they undermined the chastity of wives.”
And our favourite 3 comments it prompted.
‘I mean the king who united Norway was known because he made a pact to never cut or comb his hair until he united it under one crown. Harald Tanglehair, later known as Harald Fairhair. He also did it to impress a woman.’ Funderstruck ‘Well yea how could they resist a man who showers all of once a week.’ EvolGenius ‘Stupid sexy danes.’ CircleOfLove93
Source Reddit u/Tharazin Image Pixabay


thepoke--2020-03-13--Our 25 favourite funny things from the past week

The UK government ’ s coronavirus advice has evolved from “ wash your hands ” to “ wash your hands @ @ @ @ @ with a few extra notes about when to self-isolate .
The US government , in @ @ @ @ @ in circles , yelling “ It was the Dems !
” , “ It was @ @ @ @ @ Lock all the doors !
” .
On Twitter , approximately two million people have @ @ @ @ @ self-isolate ” joke ; if 100 more say it , it will qualify for entry @ @ @ @ @ Records .
Happily , each of these 25 fine offerings is different .

Twitter
The UK government’s coronavirus advice has evolved from “wash your hands” to “wash your hands more than that”, with a few extra notes about when to self-isolate. The US government, in contrast, is basically running in circles, yelling “It was the Dems!”, “It was Europe!”, “Lock all the doors!”.
On Twitter, approximately two million people have made the “I always self-isolate” joke; if 100 more say it, it will qualify for entry into the Guinness Book of Records.
Happily, each of these 25 fine offerings is different.
1.
ME: I’m like a bird, I’ll NELLY FURTADO: only fly away ME: *scribbling out ‘shit on your car’* Yeah, that’s probably better. — FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) March 7, 2020
2.
Welcome to Glasgow, where a global pandemic hits and still nobody will touch anything vegan. pic.twitter.com/f3FM1HByxN — Guffers (@gavmacn) March 7, 2020
3.
Interesting fact: t-shirt is actually short for “Tyrannosaurus Shirt” — Alice R Fraser (@aliterative) March 7, 2020
4.
When your Nan gets her Vajazzle pic.twitter.com/BxiMfl4Y1q — Sarah (@idlewildgirl) March 7, 2020
5.
if you retire does that mean you’ve completed LinkedIn — Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) March 10, 2020
6.
If you ever see me staring out a window with a troubled look on my face, it’s most likely because I’ve been caught by the “but WHY was Scooby’s diction so bad when his younger nephew Scrappy had perfect English?” conundrum again. It happens every five years or so. — Aisling Bea (@WeeMissBea) March 12, 2020
7.
A book about what to say sarcastically over your shoulder when you leave a room after losing an argument about who gets to keep the cockatiel. pic.twitter.com/V2SSr7EamP — Steven Sheil (@SSheil) March 8, 2020
8.
I don't trust the WHO on health advice – they hope people die before they get old — Ayn Randy (@ItsAndyRyan) March 7, 2020
9.
Why has my fitbit just buzzed me for being inactive? I've literally *just* got off the sofa to get a cake. — Rainy (@rainy101) March 8, 2020
10.
Went to get a haircut today. Barber: What do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a writer, what about you?
Barber: ……… I'm a barber We didn't speak for the rest of the haircut. I am happy to announce that I shall never be interacting with another human being again. — TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) March 8, 2020
11.
In 2011, I wrote a feature about men's moisturiser for Tatler. They sent me a box of the stuff to try. This morning, I ran out. It's a big day. — Hugo Rifkind (@hugorifkind) March 9, 2020
12.


thepoke--2020-03-13--‘Lost my wallet 3 days ago, finally ordered new cards and then …’

Most relatable thing we ’ ve seen this week , the tale of a chap on Reddit who lost his @ @ @ @ @ cards and then this happened .
Lost my wallet 3 days ago , finally ordered @ @ @ @ @ ’ said dragonboy2734 .
Took us almost as long to spot it as it did @ @ @ @ @ way I can find lost things is to buy a new version .
Bam it @ @ @ @ @ unwrap the new one.
’ meegwell01 ‘ It is a curse .
Also you don @ @ @ @ @ thing until a week after you threw it away.
’ Slobbles

Pics
Most relatable thing we’ve seen this week, the tale of a chap on Reddit who lost his wallet so cancelled all his cards and then this happened.
Lost my wallet 3 days ago, finally ordered new cards and then …’ said dragonboy2734.
Took us almost as long to spot it as it did him.
‘The only way I can find lost things is to buy a new version. Bam it shows up before I even unwrap the new one.’ meegwell01 ‘It is a curse. Also you don’t need a random thing until a week after you threw it away.’ Slobbles
Source Reddit u/dragonboy2734


thepoke--2020-03-13--‘I genuinely thought this BBC newsreader was about to break into song!’


thepoke--2020-03-16--Jeremy Vine spotted Rob Brydon in Stagecoach and now we can’t stop watching it

Jeremy Vine was minding his own business at home watching Stagecoach , the 1939 film starring John Wayne and directed @ @ @ @ @ he unexpectedly spotted Rob Brydon and it ’ s … perfect .
Anti-vaxxers want Jeremy @ @ @ @ @ ‘ bias ’ and he had the perfect response

Videos
Jeremy Vine was minding his own business at home watching Stagecoach, the 1939 film starring John Wayne and directed by John Ford, when he unexpectedly spotted Rob Brydon and it’s … perfect.
In other news, I had no idea till this morning that @RobBrydon was in the 1939 western ‘Stagecoach’ pic.twitter.com/LRmgH5qKZ2 — Jeremy Vine (@theJeremyVine) March 15, 2020
It IS!
“Small man trapped in a stagecoach” — 🗣🦠WASH YOUR HANDS🧼🙌 – also ⚫🖤Share&Enjoy🌏☄ (@Go_SYH_In_A_Pig) March 15, 2020
Gold! 🤣 — Paddy McGuinness (@PaddyMcGuinness) March 15, 2020
Not everyone saw Brydon though (see if you can spot a pattern developing).
I thought it was Brucey for a moment! — Wire we here? (@alastairjallen1) March 15, 2020
It's Jimmy Hill for me… — Tony West (@therealtonywest) March 15, 2020
Nah. That's Anton du Beke — Ian Thompson (@IanThommo74) March 15, 2020
READ MORE
Anti-vaxxers want Jeremy Vine sacked because of his ‘bias’ and he had the perfect response
Source @theJeremyVine


thepoke--2020-03-16--Favourite 4 replies to ‘Mr Plenty’ who challenged coronavirus to a fight

Here ’ s a chap who calls himself Mr Plenty on Twitter and it ’ s fair to say he @ @ @ @ @ the coronavirus .
We know this , because he said this .
Never been sick @ @ @ @ @ ?
Whatever gets you through the night and all that .
Here are our 4 @ @ @ @ @ of people were saying things like this .

Twitter
Here’s a chap who calls himself Mr Plenty on Twitter and it’s fair to say he’s not afraid of the coronavirus. We know this, because he said this.
Come infect this body corona. I will destroy you. I won the genetic lottery. Men like me are 1 in a million. Hard to kill. pic.twitter.com/8fmJV1psMX — Mr. Plenty (@OfWudan) March 14, 2020
Never been sick in his life, see?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SICK IN MY ENTIRE LIFE EVER. Dieases look under the bed before they go to sleep, to check I AM NOT THERE. LEARN THE SECRETS TO UNLIMITED POWER HERE:https://t.co/CSDKy4lAO3 — Mr. Plenty (@OfWudan) March 15, 2020
Whatever gets you through the night and all that. Having said that, here are our 4 favourite replies.
You (weak):
I’m going to wash my hands more Me (winner of genetic lottery):
If the coronavirus comes near me I’ll twat it pic.twitter.com/tk5N4F2oLu — James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 15, 2020
I had to do a double take on the reflection in the mirror because for a second I genuinely thought he’d won the penis lottery. — Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) March 15, 2020
First to die in the movie. Every time. https://t.co/PSvWxD3Vo5 — Stephen Graham (@PlopGazette) March 15, 2020
It appears you have two eye sockets in your lower back….part of the genetic lottery I presume — Vincent Dovey (@VincentDovey) March 15, 2020
And lots of people were saying things like this.
Stop skipping leg day — self-isolated bee 🐝 (@soapachu) March 15, 2020
Harsh, very harsh.
READ MORE
Prince Charles’ awkward attempts to avoid handshakes were made even better with a hilarious overdub
Source Twitter @OfWudan


thepoke--2020-03-16--Match of the Day has been replaced with Mrs Brown’s Boys – the only 6 reactions you need

Everything you thought you knew about the weekends is no longer true , because sport after sport is grinding to @ @ @ @ @ of spreading the coronavirus .
This includes football , which is currently torn between the @ @ @ @ @ those who think Liverpool should be declared premier League champions , and the likes of @ @ @ @ @ Brady , who thinks the season should be declared null and void .
Anybody fancy @ @ @ @ @ in the league table ?
Fifth from bottom .
Of course , no football means @ @ @ @ @ talk about on Match of the Day , so its place in the schedule is @ @ @ @ @ matches , interviews and other football-related content .
Oh , wait – no it isn @ @ @ @ @ s gone down like a sweaty hug from a coughing stranger on the bus , @ @ @ @ @ of feeling perfectly .
First , they run Mrs Brown ’ s Boys , then @ @ @ @ @ the remote control and change the channel .

Twitter
Everything you thought you knew about the weekends is no longer true, because sport after sport is grinding to a halt due to fears of spreading the coronavirus.
This includes football, which is currently torn between the two halves of fandom – those who think Liverpool should be declared premier League champions, and the likes of West Ham Vice-chairman, Karren Brady, who thinks the season should be declared null and void.
Anybody fancy guessing where West Ham are in the league table? Fifth from bottom.
Of course, no football means a lack of things to talk about on Match of the Day, so its place in the schedule is to be filled by classic matches, interviews and other football-related content.
Oh, wait – no it isn’t.
Mrs Brown’s Boys Live will replace Match of the Day on BBC One tomorrow night. — Jack Rosser (@JackRosser_) March 13, 2020
It’s gone down like a sweaty hug from a coughing stranger on the bus, and these represent the groundswell of feeling perfectly.
1.
Shit just got real https://t.co/Rri9OAZFIY — Rachael (@RachaelvsWorld) March 13, 2020
2.
I would have taken the whole #Coronavirus thing much more seriously if I'd realised the consequences would be this awful.#coronapocalypse #ukcoronavirushttps://t.co/IPGu4pahA1 — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) March 13, 2020
3.
Just when you think things can't get any worse https://t.co/KN5yuJT5Ux — James Doleman (@jamesdoleman) March 13, 2020
4.
pull the licence fee immediately https://t.co/oPM8lK2CRN — Ciarán Carlin (@ciarcarlin) March 13, 2020
5.
Alright now we've a national emergency. https://t.co/s83cYW6opg — NUFCThreatLevel (@NUFCThreatLevel) March 13, 2020
6.
I would rather watch people fighting over toilet paper than Mrs Brown's Boys. https://t.co/0P0X31tg1G — The People’s Chris Rose (@ArchRose90) March 13, 2020
MOTD host, Gary Lineker had a question.
First, they run Mrs Brown’s Boys, then we all run to grab the remote control and change the channel.
READ MORE
Shakespeare wrote King Lear during quarantine – but people aren’t intimidated
Source Jack Rosser Image Match of the Day, Mrs Brown’s Boys


thepoke--2020-03-16--Self-isolating Italians singing to each other from their balconies is the tonic we all need right no

Self-isolating Italians singing to each other from their balconies is the tonic we all need right now

Self-isolating Italians are cheering themselves – and each other – up by going onto their balconies and enjoying a good @ @ @ @ @ the joy ’ s been spreading all over the world with a whole bunch of @ @ @ @ @ .
Here are some of our favourites .
Better already .
Just a bit , @ @ @ @

Videos
Self-isolating Italians are cheering themselves – and each other – up by going onto their balconies and enjoying a good old sing song.
And the joy’s been spreading all over the world with a whole bunch of videos going viral on Twitter. Here are some of our favourites.
1.
2.
3.
This is beautiful. People closed in their houses in Siena, but singing together through the windows. https://t.co/htq33vS5iK — Rachel Donadio (@RachelDonadio) March 13, 2020
4.
Italians in lockdown all over Italy are keeping each other company by singing, dancing and playing music from the balconies. A thread to celebrate the resilience of ordinary people. This is Salerno: pic.twitter.com/3aOchqdEpn — Leonardo Carella (@leonardocarella) March 13, 2020
5.
All these videos of Italians playing their instruments during the lockdown are incredible — Chris Evans (@ChrisEvans) March 13, 2020
6.
During Italy’s quarantine, tenor and opera singer Maurizio Marchini wanted to give people hope and joy. So went to his balcony and serenaded the entire town of Florence. The words mean “Don’t Sleep.” (🎥 FB/mauriziomarchinitenore) pic.twitter.com/RzIxCJi1AL — Goodable (@Goodable) March 14, 2020
7.
https://twitter.com/LitalLital7987/status/1238553577339174918?s=19
8.
9.
Just want to make absolutely clear that if anyone tries this on my estate I’ll be reporting you to lewisham councils anti social behaviour team. https://t.co/9mEQGWXnI6 — alistair green (@mralistairgreen) March 14, 2020
Better already. Just a bit, but definitely better.


thepoke--2020-03-16--15 of the very worst crimes against shoemanity

The CRIMES AGAINST SHOEMANITY does very much what it says on the tin , which is to gather the worst @ @ @ @ @ from the world of high fashion , others simply from low taste .
You won @ @ @ @ @ Clarke ’ s .
5 .
Don ’ t go mooning people in these 6 @ @ @ @ @ best 7 .
You ’ d have egg on your face in these 8 .
@ @ @ @ @ do with an old handbag

Pics
The CRIMES AGAINST SHOEMANITY does very much what it says on the tin, which is to gather the worst excesses of footwear – some from the world of high fashion, others simply from low taste.
You won’t see these in Clarke’s.
1. Cheesy feet
Via
2. In a pickle
Via
3. These are wheely weird
Via
4. Flaming heck
Via
5. Don’t go mooning people in these
Via
6. These are pasta their best
Via
7. You’d have egg on your face in these
Via
8. When you need something to do with an old handbag
Via


thepoke--2020-03-16--This is what self-isolating travel bloggers are up to right now

‘ Travel bloggers during quarantine , ’ says Daily Show writer @ RandallOtisTV over on Twitter .

Pics
‘Travel bloggers during quarantine,’ says Daily Show writer @RandallOtisTV over on Twitter.
oh my god STOP HOLDING HANDS — Rob DenBleyker (@RobDenBleyker) March 14, 2020
Counterpoint: if they never stop holding hands, those hands never touch anything else. — Normally Ambivalent (@JJT_E_I_T) March 14, 2020
READ MORE
A brilliant 2011 comedy sketch about black market communion wafers is suddenly highly topical
Source Twitter @RandallOtisTV


thepoke--2020-03-16--Shakespeare wrote King Lear during quarantine – but people aren’t intimidated

The prospect of UK residents having to self-isolate for a fortnight – or more – is a very real one @ @ @ @ @ wondering how they ’ ll fill the time .
To add pressure to an already @ @ @ @ @ Cash reminded us that this isn ’ t the first time the Brits have had @ @ @ @ @ there ’ s a high bar of productivity to meet .
It ’ s a @ @ @ @ @ up to when you ’ re worrying that you may be about to shuffle off @ @ @ @ @ , people didn ’ t seem to take it to heart .
Simply 23 coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ edge off for a moment or two

Twitter
The prospect of UK residents having to self-isolate for a fortnight – or more – is a very real one, and some people are wondering how they’ll fill the time.
To add pressure to an already stressful situation, musician Rosanne Cash reminded us that this isn’t the first time the Brits have had to hunker down, and there’s a high bar of productivity to meet.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear. — rosanne cash (@rosannecash) March 14, 2020
It’s a lot to try to live up to when you’re worrying that you may be about to shuffle off this mortal coil. Luckily, people didn’t seem to take it to heart.
1.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he broke the Elizabethan wanking record with 7 in one day – 2 more than the previous record held by another historical figure that I can’t be arsed to research. Maybe the Duke of something. — Mark Brush (@riffraffhands) March 14, 2020
2.
Just a reminder: when Jane Austen was quarantined she wrote Clueless — Manda Collins 😻🐱🐶 (@MandaCollins) March 14, 2020
3.
Yes Newton and Shakespeare created wonderful things in times of quarantine but also loads of creators you’ve never heard of probably spent their time getting pissed and slumped in a creative slough of despond so don’t get any big ideas sunshine — Lev Parikian (@LevParikian) March 14, 2020
4.
He also ate 28274849 packets of chocolate Hob Nobs. https://t.co/3Kf9VIGnqQ — Joanne Harris (@Joannechocolat) March 15, 2020
5.
Did he have to look after small children? https://t.co/CqFJNT9Cdg — Dr Pragya Agarwal (@DrPragyaAgarwal) March 14, 2020
6.
Just remember guys, it was in 2001 while quarantined during the foot and mouth crisis that Daniel Bedingfield wrote Gotta Get Thru This — Dave Keenan (@PunLovinLad) March 15, 2020
7.
Academic friends: Isaac Newton discovered calculus while in quarantine. William Shakespeare wrote "King Lear" while in quarantine. You will learn how to unmute your computer's microphone during a Zoom meeting while in quarantine. — Derek T. Muller (@derektmuller) March 14, 2020
8.
just a reminder that when Ted Cruz was quarantined with coronavirus, he wrote a series of complex cyphers taunting the police for not stopping him from murdering 5 Northern Californian teenagers from 1968-1970 https://t.co/7gcGRCau17 — soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) March 15, 2020
9.
Oh, yeah? Shakespeare wrote King Lear while in quarantine?
I'd like to see him try again in the age of Internet and social media. — Bae Faiz (@antifatwa) March 14, 2020
10.
Just a reminder that when Rob Schneider was quarantined with SARS he wrote The Hot Chick https://t.co/rpuCd4vyug — pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) March 14, 2020
11.
When Newton was quarantined because of the plague, he discovered calculus. (Do you have any idea how bored you have to be to discover calculus?) https://t.co/DdZjg24sgC — Greg Olear (@gregolear) March 14, 2020
Writer Chris Scott read a subtext in Rosanne’s tweet.
No pressure but anyone not writing King Lear right now is a worthless piece of shit and waste of everyone's time https://t.co/DiIh3FX36g — Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) March 14, 2020
Put down your handwash, and take out your quill,
And fill your downtime emulating Bill.
READ MORE
Simply 23 coronavirus tweets to help take the edge off for a moment or two
Source Rosanne Cash Image @birminghammuseumstrust and @kumakum on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-03-16--A brilliant 2011 comedy sketch about black market communion wafers is suddenly highly topical

Irish sketch comedy trio , Foil Arms and Hog , create a range of hilarious videos about everything from life @ @ @ @ @ , which may prove to be more connected than we currently suspect , but one @ @ @ @ @ very relevant .
Back in 2011 , the trio created this sketch for the satirical @ @ @ @ @ humorous look at things close to the heart of Irish Life .
It has really @ @ @ @ @ As churches stop parishioners from sharing communion wine from the same chalice , ban shaking @ @ @ @ @ wafers onto the tongues of communicants , there are some closing to prevent the spread @ @ @ @ @ altar boy is a particularly nice touch .
If the government orders mass gatherings to @ @ @ @ @ there ’ s going to be a whole untapped market of desperate Catholics ready to @ @ @ @ @ some canny priests can clean up .
With soap and water , presumably .
The @ @ @ @ @ to “ Jeez-Its ” has over 5000 signatures

Videos
Irish sketch comedy trio, Foil Arms and Hog, create a range of hilarious videos about everything from life in a squat to Brexit, which may prove to be more connected than we currently suspect, but one particular performance has suddenly become very relevant.
Back in 2011, the trio created this sketch for the satirical Savage Eye, a darkly humorous look at things close to the heart of Irish Life. It has really come into its own.
As churches stop parishioners from sharing communion wine from the same chalice, ban shaking hands, and cease putting wafers onto the tongues of communicants, there are some closing to prevent the spread of Covid-19.
The hidden altar boy is a particularly nice touch.
If the government orders mass gatherings to end (pun intended) there’s going to be a whole untapped market of desperate Catholics ready to create an unholy row and some canny priests can clean up. With soap and water, presumably.
READ MORE
The petition to rename communion wafers to “Jeez-Its” has over 5000 signatures
Source Foil Arms and Hog Image Foil Arms and Hog


thepoke--2020-03-16--Prince Charles’ awkward attempts to avoid handshakes were made even better with a hilarious overdub

Prince Charles has pretty much had one main function his entire life , and that ’ s to shake hands @ @ @ @ @ of him at a public walkabout or charity gala , and it ’ s not @ @ @ @ @ him to break the habit .
At the Prince ’ s Trust Awards in London @ @ @ @ @ .
The Russia Today Twitter account added some slapstick music to enhance the effect .
@ @ @ @ @ Alan Clarke ’ s funny overdub that really did justice to the footage .
And @ @ @ @ @ were Irish .
People really enjoyed the brilliant interpretation of the prince ’ s thought @ @ @ @ @ lambert understood the root cause of the problem .
This comedy aborted handshake is a @ @ @ @ @ we all are right now

Videos
Prince Charles has pretty much had one main function his entire life, and that’s to shake hands with everyone plonked in front of him at a public walkabout or charity gala, and it’s not going to be easy for him to break the habit.
At the Prince’s Trust Awards in London, that became painfully obvious.
Brits!
Follow Prince Charles's lead, join your hands in greeting! 😂🙏🏽 pic.twitter.com/gSiFIrNpHk — Sunny Hundal (@sunny_hundal) March 13, 2020
The Russia Today Twitter account added some slapstick music to enhance the effect.
A lifetime of professional HANDSHAKING has left #PrinceCharles struggling to adapt to 'Namaste' pic.twitter.com/cmQtQAkxLB — RT (@RT_com) March 14, 2020
But it was radio presenter Alan Clarke’s funny overdub that really did justice to the footage.
No shaking handles !!!! pic.twitter.com/jfWv4eW2qi — Alan Clarke (@AlanClarkeVideo) March 13, 2020
And now we wish Prince Charles were Irish.
People really enjoyed the brilliant interpretation of the prince’s thought processes.
Lads I'm howling, who made this? pic.twitter.com/UEaEfSS3oV — Linda Ní hEdeáin 🧜🏻 (@LindaOkaythen) March 13, 2020
Hahahahahaha! This is A SCREAM https://t.co/Mid4Kihrua — Marian Keyes (@MarianKeyes) March 14, 2020
My boys have never laughed so much. This is beautiful. https://t.co/mXPkEPSYyv — Iain Lee – www.twitch.tv/iainlee (@iainlee) March 14, 2020
I've watched this about 30 times in a row. https://t.co/4Oov1j7Q6z — John Rain CBE (@MrKenShabby) March 13, 2020
Finally, verypete lambert understood the root cause of the problem.
When you've had literally one job for 70 years. https://t.co/H26vGuwIM9 — verypete lambert (@Prof_Quiteamess) March 14, 2020
READ MORE
This comedy aborted handshake is a neat 8-second summary of where we all are right now
Source RT Image RT


thepoke--2020-03-16--The internet is gripped by Pornhub’s gift of its premium service to Italy – our 13 favourite comment

The internet is gripped by Pornhub’s gift of its premium service to Italy – our 13 favourite comments

For reasons which haven ’ t yet been pinned down , Italy has been very heavily affected by the spread @ @ @ @ @ in varying stages of lockdown for weeks , with the entire country now quarantined .
@ @ @ @ @ at a loss for things to do to stave off boredom and to prevent them @ @ @ @ @ virus .
At least , they have been …

Twitter
For reasons which haven’t yet been pinned down, Italy has been very heavily affected by the spread of Covid-19 and has been in varying stages of lockdown for weeks, with the entire country now quarantined.
Naturally, self-isolating people are at a loss for things to do to stave off boredom and to prevent them focusing too heavily on the virus. At least, they have been …
PornHub’s generous gesture caused quite a reaction on non-Italian Twitter.
1.
Porn hub is giving free subscriptions to people in Italy because of the coronavirus. I guess that’s one way to keep people’s hands off their face. — Darla (@ddsmidt) March 14, 2020
2.
https://tw
itter.com/Luiseach/status/1238541195640479745?s=19
3.
4.
This thing with Italians getting free premium pornhub. What exactly is 'premium' pornhub, do they come round your house and do it in front of you or something. — Emma Manzini (@EmmaManzini) March 15, 2020
5.
6.
Now all the stocking up on toilet paper makes sense!!! https://t.co/DMeifB3dTU — Michael "buy all the TP” Montero (@MonteroOnBoxing) March 12, 2020
7.


thepoke--2020-03-16--A Tory columnist hailed the bow and the curtsy as an upside of coronavirus – 12 churlish rebuttals

Like The Game , when people remember Daniel Hannan exists , they ’ ve already lost .
He tends to @ @ @ @ @ he makes some sort of a gaffe , like the time he tried to defend @ @ @ @ @ Hitler .
Or when he suggested that the widely condemned Windrush policy had been a @ @ @ @ @ take was more of a feverish ramble , when he said this about the coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ the rest of us to fail to realise that a threat to life and livelihood @ @ @ @ @ an upside because *checks notes* it heralds a return to 18th-century customs .
Writer , @ @ @ @ @ reminded us of this astonishing fact .
Mind you – consider the competition .
Daniel @ @ @ @ @ wasn ’ t the zinger it seemed – 9 swift rebuttals

Twitter
Like The Game, when people remember Daniel Hannan exists, they’ve already lost. He tends to resurface in the consciousness when he makes some sort of a gaffe, like the time he tried to defend Churchill by comparing him to Hitler.
You think Churchill was a racist? Just wait till you hear about the guy he defeated. — Daniel Hannan (@DanielJHannan) October 13, 2018
Or when he suggested that the widely condemned Windrush policy had been a success.
Here's an unpopular opinion on the #Windrush affair. You could say, the system worked. A newspaper unearthed a scandal (well done @ameliagentleman). Pundits & politicians unanimously decried the injustice. Ministers listened and changed policy. That's what's meant to happen, no? — Daniel Hannan (@DanielJHannan) April 16, 2018
His latest hot take was more of a feverish ramble, when he said this about the coronavirus crisis.
If coronavirus has a silver lining, it should be the return of the bow and the curtsy, writes @DanielJHannan
https://t.co/klqncdS3RF — The Telegraph (@Telegraph) March 15, 2020
How remiss of the rest of us to fail to realise that a threat to life and livelihood could be said to have an upside because *checks notes* it heralds a return to 18th-century customs.
Twitter wasn’t impressed.
1.
Shameful that this is behind a paywall really pic.twitter.com/LC4xCE7ps0 — Alan White (@aljwhite) March 15, 2020
2.
I’ve been seeing this on Twitter all morning and assumed it was a joke. Friends, it is not a joke. pic.twitter.com/BLC6g0E3AY — Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) March 15, 2020
3.
https://twitter.com/Luiseach/status/1239133610617307136?s=19
4.
I've been on strong painkillers for three days now with no end in sight so I'm just going to assume I'm hallucinating as the alternative is too terrifying to contemplate pic.twitter.com/CB5pVOqCGQ — Jonn Elledge (@JonnElledge) March 15, 2020
5.
6.
https://twitter.com/BeardedGenius/status/1239156622154444800?s=19
7.
Welcome to vomtown 🤮 pic.twitter.com/fGpIxPXmw7 — Rhiannon L Cosslett (@rhiannonlucyc) March 15, 2020
8.
9.
It’s all been worth it pic.twitter.com/kXweAFoFzH — James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 15, 2020
10.
11.
Swings and roundabouts really pic.twitter.com/CaUxmEAKQX — Séamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) March 15, 2020
12.
If the sinking of the Titanic had a silver lining, it's that the deckchairs got a good wash. https://t.co/zsO0A09780 — Margo (@MargoJMilne) March 15, 2020
Writer, Steve Anglesey, pointed out reminded us of this astonishing fact.
Your reminder that Dan Hannan was known as “the brain of Brexit” pic.twitter.com/6gxTeN4Kk9 — Steve Anglesey (@sanglesey) March 15, 2020
Mind you – consider the competition.
READ MORE
Daniel Hannan’s Brexit post wasn’t the zinger it seemed – 9 swift rebuttals
Source Telegraph Image Telegraph, YouTube


thepoke--2020-03-16--Boris Johnson just gave his first daily coronavirus update – 17 entirely unimpressed responses

So-called prime minister Boris Johnson gave his first daily coronavirus update to the nation and it ’ s fair to @ @ @ @ @ overly impressed .
And when we say ‘ weren ’ t overly impressed ’ what @ @ @ @ @ was a total car crash .
In short , people were told to avoid all @ @ @ @ @ , like pubs and theatres , that kinda thing ; work from home where you @ @ @ @ @ home if you have the symptoms ( or live with someone who does ) for @ @ @ @ @ be open as normal , however .
And here ’ s what people made of @ @

Twitter
So-called prime minister Boris Johnson gave his first daily coronavirus update to the nation and it’s fair to say people weren’t overly impressed.
And when we say ‘weren’t overly impressed’ what we mean is, it was a total car crash.
The Prime Minister Boris Johnson has urged the British public to avoid mass gatherings such as sporting events, pubs and restaurants and to work from home where possible. pic.twitter.com/MZNT2yA4Nf — Sky Sports News (@SkySportsNews) March 16, 2020
In short, people were told to avoid all unnecessary social contact with others, like pubs and theatres, that kinda thing; work from home where you can; and stay at home if you have the symptoms (or live with someone who does) for 14 days.
Schools will be open as normal, however.
And here’s what people made of that.
1.
Boris Johnson: Avoid all contact with other humans. Avoid clubs, pubs,
social gatherings, unnecessary travel and work from home. Also Boris: We're keeping all schools, colleges and business open. It's still business as usual, you peasant bastards. #BorisResign — Geralt of Rivia (@IMMY_ISLAM) March 16, 2020
2.
Do pubs, bars, restaurants, cafes, theatres, cinemas close or not?
Ridiculous of @BorisJohnson to just 'suggest' it & not ban it.
Not least because these businesses will be forced to close but can't claim on insurance if they're not ordered to.
This must be clarified – urgently. — Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) March 16, 2020
3.
Just a question – does Boris Johnson have any business dealing with / shares in insurance companies? Asking for an entire arts industry… — Matthew Amer (@MattAmer) March 16, 2020
4.
Boris Johnson: Avoid pubs and other public places unless absolutely necessary. The North: https://t.co/5BUDeXugIJ — Footy Accumulators (@FootyAccums) March 16, 2020
5.
That press conference felt disastrous. What exactly is the message? Isolate, but we're not going to insist on it. Work from home, but schools are left open. Don't go out, but no info on helping business owners. We agree with WHO on testing, but unexplained discrepancy. — Ian Dunt (@IanDunt) March 16, 2020
6.
There is one emerging theme to Boris Johnson's press conference: it's not our fault if you lose your job at a pub, restaurant or airline…because we're only making "suggestions" and advice… — Paul Mason (@paulmasonnews) March 16, 2020
7.
This is the most embarrassing press conference I've ever had the displeasure of watching. Can we get a grown up in charge please? One that can string two words together. #BorisResign — Sam Russell (@SatineCM) March 16, 2020
8.
9.


thepoke--2020-03-16--This dog jumping into a giant pile of leaves is the content we all need right now

This should take your mind off the outside world for a moment or too , a dog jumping into a @ @ @ @ @ went viral because , well , have a watch for yourself/ The look on the @ @ @ @ @ is sheer perfection

Videos
This should take your mind off the outside world for a moment or too, a dog jumping into a big pile of leaves which went viral because, well, have a watch for yourself/
Better than The Irishman, ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ pic.twitter.com/mdJuauB4DM — James Kelleher (@etienneshrdlu) March 15, 2020
That’s better.
https://twitter.com/GaryLineker/status/1239516839203549185?s=20
Class when you can see the wee tail wagging https://t.co/5yp0kD8Cwk — Kezo Guthrie (@KezoGuthrie) March 16, 2020
Best thing ever https://t.co/A9B3qqjSmZ — Dom Joly (@domjoly) March 16, 2020
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The look on the second dog’s face is sheer perfection
Source @etienneshrdlu


thepoke--2020-03-16--Richard Branson’s putting Virgin Airlines staff on unpaid leave and people have been doing the maths

Virgin Atlantic is planning to ground 75 % of its fleet by the end of this month as a result @ @ @ @ @ staff to take 8 weeks unpaid leave , according to reports today .
It got @ @ @ @ @ was , especially given how extraordinarily rich Branson is reported to be .
These 5 @ @ @ @ @ up .

Twitter
Virgin Atlantic is planning to ground 75% of its fleet by the end of this month as a result of coronavirus and will ask staff to take 8 weeks unpaid leave, according to reports today.
BREAKING: Virgin Atlantic plans to cut about 80% of flights each day by the 26th of March, grounding 75% of planes by then. They are also asking staff to take 8 weeks of unpaid leave during the next three months. More on #COVID19 here: https://t.co/syXnIEDWKD pic.twitter.com/cdACryuu5i — Sky News (@SkyNews) March 16, 2020
It got people thinking how fair this was, especially given how extraordinarily rich Branson is reported to be. These 4 responses pretty much sum it up.
1.
Virgin Atlantic have 8,500 employees and Branson has asked them to take 8 weeks unpaid leave. It would cost £4.2 million to pay all of these employees £500 a week to cover this leave. In total that’s a cost of £34 million for 8 weeks. Richard Branson is worth £4 billion. — Liam Young (@liamyoung) March 16, 2020
2.
richard branson has enough money to pay all 8,571 of his employees £47,000 and still keep over 90% of his unearned fortune https://t.co/PA67XojrnN — flo (@flocorf) March 16, 2020
3.
https://twitter.com/TobyJPeacock/status/1239548859946340355?s=20
4.
If Richard Branson paid his 8,500 staff £10,000 for those eight weeks from his own personal wealth he'd still have £4.15 billion to scrape by on https://t.co/Z8487P6qva — James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 16, 2020
In short, this.
Bransons employees go without whilst a billionaire with a private island and space program wants a bailout from the treasury — Lesser Known English Big Foot (@KnownFoot) March 16, 2020
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Never forget Frankie Boyle’s epic takedown of Richard Branson
Image Pixabay


thepoke--2020-03-16--Caprice arguing with a doctor about how to stop coronavirus is peak 2020

This clip from The Jeremy Vine Show on Channel 5 went viral today after former FHM favourite Caprice Bourret took @ @ @ @ @ about how to stop coronavirus .
Specifically , they two disagreed about exactly how much @ @ @ @ @ have in the UK .
Our favourite bit is when Vine tells Caprice : ‘ @ @ @ @ @ is the expert , but go on … ’ And these are surely the only @ @ @ @ @ Jeremy Vine spotted Rob Brydon in Stagecoach and now we can ’ t stop watching @

Videos
This clip from The Jeremy Vine Show on Channel 5 went viral today after former FHM favourite Caprice Bourret took issue with Dr Sarah Jarvis about how to stop coronavirus.
Specifically, they two disagreed about exactly how much impact a two-week shutdown would have in the UK.
“Let us make no mistake about this, we are not going to solve this.” Dr Sarah Jarvis disputes Caprice’s claim that the best thing to do to contain coronavirus would be a two-week lockdown, saying: “It has categorically not worked.”@DrSarahJarvis | @TheJeremyVine | #JeremyVine pic.twitter.com/maixn6xbwQ — Jeremy Vine On 5 (@JeremyVineOn5) March 16, 2020
Our favourite bit is when Vine tells Caprice: ‘Alright, alright, Sarah is the expert, but go on …’
And these are surely the only 5 responses you need.
Why is a doctor having to argue with *Caprice* on this topic in the middle of an actual pandemic?! https://t.co/XzBWwOt4a0 — James Ball (@jamesrbuk) March 16, 2020
Gobsmacked! Did Caprice really just argue with an expert about #coronavirus based on an article she read in a newspaper? I must have got a fever and am hallucinating! I’m off to self-isolate! #JeremyVine #caprice — kathie.artist (@kathiemcgregor4) March 16, 2020
No disrespect to Caprice. She has to earn a living and everything but seriously broadcasters stop putting ill informed people up against experts. This is life and death stuff and TV has a duty to inform. — Otto English (@Otto_English) March 16, 2020
Caprice arguing with a medical expert on covid-19 is everything that's wrong with media. She got her "facts" from a newspaper fucking embarrassing. Fair play to the medical expert for categorically shutting her down #jeremyvine — Steven James Green (@SteGun1987) March 16, 2020
Within the scientific community, there are arguments between epidemiologists and immunologists, between mathematical modellers and virologists. On television it’s a doctor versus Caprice. https://t.co/otS1eDx708 — Dr Adam Rutherford (@AdamRutherford) March 16, 2020
To conclude, this …
https://twitter.com/Dr_Ellie/status/1239527454613606402?s=20
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Jeremy Vine spotted Rob Brydon in Stagecoach and now we can’t stop watching it
Source @JeremyVineOn5


thepoke--2020-03-16--With no other sport on telly to watch Gary Lineker sent this marble race wildly viral

There ’ s not a great deal of live sport on telly anymore .
You can tell this because a @ @ @ @ @ found itself very , very interested in a marble race after this clip was shard @ @ @ @ @ ?
You ’ re damned right it was tense .
‘ Most dramatic end to @ @ @ @ @ time ’

Twitter
There’s not a great deal of live sport on telly anymore. You can tell this because a large chunk of Twitter suddenly found itself very, very interested in a marble race after this clip was shard by Gary Lineker.
Can’t believe I watched this all the way to the end. The lack of live sport is clearly getting to me. Withdrawal symptoms. https://t.co/YJv1xmqZV5 — Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) March 16, 2020
Tense? You’re damned right it was tense.
But so worth it, right?! 😂 — Nick Levett (@nlevett) March 16, 2020
Hypnotic. 🤣 — Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) March 16, 2020
Sod you Lineker, you drew me in! — Sanjeev Bhaskar (@TVSanjeev) March 16, 2020
But you’re glad I did, aren’t you? — Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) March 16, 2020
Was wondering if anyone was going to pass the turquoise one. Tense — Plastician (@Plastician) March 16, 2020
One of sports’ greatest comebacks. — Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) March 16, 2020
God that was exciting. I really thought light blue had blown it there but it dug in deep for the final stretch. See you next week on Marble Of The Day. — Danny Morgan (@DannyMorgan83) March 16, 2020
READ MORE
‘Most dramatic end to a baby race of all time’
Source @GaryLineker


thepoke--2020-03-16--‘Most dramatic end to a baby race of all time’

Now there ’ s not a lot ( any ) other sport to watch on TV , people are turning @ @ @ @ @ which traditionally didn ’ t bag the big money live TV rights deals .
We @ @ @ @ @ re not all as dramatic as this one , though .
This has been declared @ @ @ @ @ football ever played , and it ’ s hard to disagree

Videos
Now there’s not a lot (any) other sport to watch on TV, people are turning their attention to other pursuits which traditionally didn’t bag the big money live TV rights deals.
Like baby racing, for instance.
We’re guessing they’re not all as dramatic as this one, though.
This still *might* be the most dramatic finish to a baby race of all time 👶 💨 pic.twitter.com/G36LxFcdiD — ESPN (@espn) March 14, 2020
Caught nappy-ing.
That baby in the blue choked big time — And®ew (@NYG__Andrew) March 14, 2020
day 3 without sports: — the clorox bagman ⚜ (@karinasophia12) March 14, 2020
This one is my favorite… pic.twitter.com/fV4ZzhCOSL — Alex Feuz (@AlexFeuz) March 14, 2020
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This has been declared the worst 20 seconds of football ever played, and it’s hard to disagree
Source Twitter @espn


thepoke--2020-03-16--This shopper was taking no chances with coronavirus and it’s our favourite so far

In their efforts to stop the spread of coronavirus , not everyone opts for a face mask ( partly because @ @ @ @ @ sold out ) .
But in the pantheon of weird and wonderful substitutes people have @ @ @ @ @ is surely the best yet .
Got a lift with a pterodactyl , presumably .
@ @ @ @ @ ’ t messing with coronavirus and people had questions , lots of questions

Videos
In their efforts to stop the spread of coronavirus, not everyone opts for a face mask (partly because they’ve probably all sold out).
But in the pantheon of weird and wonderful substitutes people have opted for, this one is surely the best yet.
I was in Tesco Gorey today and seen this lad thought it was an in store promotion thing ! No some mad fella out shopping #COVIDー19 @aidand472 pic.twitter.com/FiIw7uGHKs — Paul Kirwan (@paulkirwan) March 15, 2020
Jurassic Park!
Fair play, we need humour now more than ever!😂 — Christina Cassidy (@chriostiona) March 15, 2020
It’s your laughter! It’s his little thank you wave!! It’s everything. Thank you for this!! — Caitríona (@cmurphy195) March 15, 2020
Only one question remained.
How he drive home? — Noreen O Callaghan née Cahill (@nobbynoreen) March 15, 2020
Got a lift with a pterodactyl, presumably.
This is the content I needed https://t.co/pICTE35NAa — Alan White (@aljwhite) March 16, 2020
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These two rail travellers aren’t messing with coronavirus and people had questions, lots of questions
Source Twitter @paulkirwan


thepoke--2020-03-16--This Australian man’s reaction to having to self-isolate is peak Aussie

We ’ re grateful to @ jamiesont for sharing this clip of an Australian man asked on TV news about @ @ @ @ @ self isolate .

Videos
We’re grateful to @jamiesont for sharing this clip of an Australian man asked on TV news about the challenges of having to self isolate.
Sister sent me this. Peak Aussie reaction to self isolating. Never change Australia. (Punch cones: smoke spliff) https://t.co/xPPOIyNiO6 — tom jamieson (@jamiesont) March 16, 2020
Boom.
Love her comment, “now it go viral and you have to stay in” hey, newsflash you have to stay in by law!!! See how well self isolations gonna work!! — Kmac (@Kmac07) March 16, 2020
I’m not sure what’s better – the hair or the laugh — Johnpaul Gonzo (@JohnpaulGonzo) March 16, 2020
fuck i love him — Michael Beveridge (@mickyb273) March 16, 2020
READ MORE
30 reasons to love Australia


thepoke--2020-03-16--Simply 17 funny takes on the coronavirus to balance out the news

Anybody pretending the Covid-19 outbreak isn ’ t a serious matter is an idiot – for example , Donald Trump @ @ @ @ @ was declared a national emergency in the US .
But there ’ s a lot @ @ @ @ @ and it ’ s definitely a good idea to keep the stress levels down , @ @ @ @ @ comments on the crisis to lower your blood-pressure .

Twitter
Anybody pretending the Covid-19 outbreak isn’t a serious matter is an idiot – for example, Donald Trump, two days before it was declared a national emergency in the US.
But there’s a lot of scaremongering going on, and it’s definitely a good idea to keep the stress levels down, so here are 17 tongue-in-cheek comments on the crisis to lower your blood-pressure.
1.
QUARANTINE DIARY Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix — Sir Michael (@Michael1979) March 12, 2020
2.
Honestly it’s not like Piccadilly Circus round here. pic.twitter.com/A3Esr6cPR1 — Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) March 13, 2020
3.
If coronavirus won’t stop me from biting my nails neither will putting this vinegar on them, mom — Joey (@JoeyMulinaro) March 13, 2020
4.
Hi guys because of the toilet roll shortage everybody needs to seriously start putting their poo back up their bottom and keeping it there till this whole thing is sorted — Matt Lucas (@RealMattLucas) March 14, 2020
5.
It’s a good job I gave up shitting for lent. — Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) March 15, 2020
6.
"No, Mr President, germs are very tiny. Microscopic. You can't see them. What you saw was a dog." pic.twitter.com/aH0e7K9WhC — John Lurie (@lurie_john) March 14, 2020
7.
My wife walks into the kitchen. “What the hell are you doing?” she asks. “Err,” I reply, sheepishly. “It’s for a stockpiling joke.” “For Twitter?” “Yes, darling.” Under her breath, she mumbles something that sounds like ‘dick’ then leaves the room. pic.twitter.com/sRiaWssqHD — Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) March 14, 2020
8.
Everyone be getting on with their lives as best they can and then Robert Peston is just out there being like “I’ve heard they’re gonna brick up your nan, no further questions” — Ahir Shah (@AhirShah) March 15, 2020
9.