thepoke--2020-07-07--Pandemic puns and lockdown laughs – 11 tweets to keep your spirits up

Days after the pubs reopened , three of them have had to close again after some punters tested positive for @ @ @ @ @ ’ t loads of people crammed in with them .
Enough of that – have @ @ @ @ @ been joking about the pandemic – the 11 funniest

Twitter
Days after the pubs reopened, three of them have had to close again after some punters tested positive for coronavirus. Luckily there weren’t loads of people crammed in with them.
Oh!
Enough of that – have some jokes.
1.
2.
Don’t be embarrassed to wear a face mask, I know people who wear Arsenal and Chelsea jerseys in public !!! pic.twitter.com/Dj4UvKXSO1 — GOD’s PLAN 🦟 (@o_la_wealth) July 6, 2020
3.
"Let's get drinks sometime!" has been upgraded to "Let's get drinks sometime, after quarantine!” and taken on new levels of insincerity. Sure. Why not. Let’s open a convenience store. Let's buy a boat together and sail to Rio, after quarantine — Jeff Kasanoff (@JeffKasanoff) July 6, 2020
4.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on. * Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat. — Pinot Evil (@TheWinegasm) July 6, 2020
5.
Not gone mad during lockdown but this evening I’m washing my washing machine. — Tiahowler Jon Von Biltawülf (@Biltawulf) July 6, 2020
6.
this bailout for the arts by Rishi Sunak may look good on the surface but in the small print it says 4 new series of Mrs Browns Boys — end of daves ❄ 🥕 🧻 (@davemacladd) July 5, 2020
7.
Very considerate of vapers to season their respiratory droplets before sharing them. I like it! Thank you! — Zoë Tomalin (@ZoeTomalin) July 6, 2020
8.
I saw someone driving with a face mask that didn’t cover their nose I wonder if his seat belt was around his ankles — Adam Aston (@adamgreattweet) July 6, 2020
9.
I mean, I can sort of understand the hankering for a proper draught pint after drinking bottles for a few months, but I will never be able to comprehend leaving your home, pandemic or no, for a glass of postmix Pepsi and…whatever the sweet suffering fuck this is. pic.twitter.com/RsWNOKdsOY — 🏳🌈 Max 🏳🌈 (@SpillerOfTea) July 5, 2020
10.
As Government says financial support package is enough to keep theatres going through panto season, industry experts say if only there was a hilarious way to refute the claim. — Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) July 6, 2020
Finally, Dr Philip Lee had an idea.
Introduce VAR for social distancing — Dr Philip Lee (@drphiliplee1) July 4, 2020
via GIPHY
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People have been joking about the pandemic – the 11 funniest
Image The Roses Theatre screengrab


thepoke--2020-07-07--Singer Jess Glynne was turned away by a restaurant for looking like this – 7 tasty responses

Singer Jess Glynne called out a London restaurant for discrimination after it turned her away , apparently because of what @ @ @ @ @ ’ s what she looked like , and what she had to say about it @ @ @ @ @ was split between people like this who said it really wasn ’ t discrimination .
@ @ @ @ @ she wasn ’ t warned .
Then there were people who took aim at the @ @ @ @ @ expensive ) restaurants that do this sort of thing .
And finally there were people @ @ @ @ @ its head .
Here are just a few other comments which seem entirely on-point .
@ @ @ @ @ This restaurant ’ s takedown of a one-star review after if refused to put parmesan @ @ @ @ @ simply delicious

Pics
Singer Jess Glynne called out a London restaurant for discrimination after it turned her away, apparently because of what she was wearing.
Here’s what she looked like, and what she had to say about it on Instagram.
The internet was split between people like this who said it really wasn’t discrimination.
https://twitter.com/alimkheraj/status/1280236067371855873?s=20
She can’t say she wasn’t warned.
Well look at that, right there on the website. If only there was a way for her to check. 🤔 Thoughts and Prayers right now. 💔 pic.twitter.com/LjFT8Lxpbt — Mark My 🇯🇲 (@markintime) July 6, 2020
Then there were people who took aim at the sort of fancy (hugely expensive) restaurants that do this sort of thing.
I know people find Jess Glynne really annoying and her using “discrimination” in this setting is ridiculous (and pretty insulting) but are we really going to pretend “fancy” dress codes aren’t classist and stupid? https://t.co/owJnlPmchj — Louis Staples (@LouisStaples) July 6, 2020
And finally there were people who flipped it entirely on its head.
If anyone asks what privilege is, I’m just going to point them to Jess Glynne complaining she’s been discriminated against because she can’t wear a hoodie while eating £300 sushi in Mayfair. pic.twitter.com/FNUKGY8dnR — Grant Tucker (@GrantTucker) July 7, 2020
Here are just a few other comments which seem entirely on-point.
The ironic thing about this Jess Glynne story is that if she had been allowed entry to the restaurant, despite epicly failing to meet its dress code requirements, that really would have been discrimination. pic.twitter.com/zOPfsNlK2J — Danny Flexen (@DannyFlexen) July 7, 2020
the comments on jess glynne’s instagram post about not being allowed in that restaurant are so embarrassing all these z-listers like “oooops!” “big mistake!” you’d think anne-marie would have more respect for waiters considering she’s gonna be one in about 18 months — joe (@jxeker) July 7, 2020
The waiters at Sexy Fish London when Jess Glynne walked in pic.twitter.com/sInYB22iE5 — jack rem x (@jackremmington) July 7, 2020
Oh, and this.
The funniest/most tragic thing about the whole Jess Glynne saga is that an actual working class person going to eat £300 Sushi in Mayfair would dress up, a weird posh girl who wants to pretend she’s working class would dress like she’s off down petrol station — george (@georgegriffiths) July 7, 2020
READ MORE
This restaurant’s takedown of a one-star review after if refused to put parmesan on his fish dish is simply delicious


thepoke--2020-07-07--There’s a very important message in this catchy and NSFW song

Since lockdown began in March , US comedian , Tom McGovern has been writing upbeat jingles to help keep up @ @ @ @ @ .
His set-up isn ’ t the most flash we ’ ve seen … But @ @ @ @ @ brilliantly .
Here ’ s a jingle he wrote for trainer Anthony Crouchelli , who @ @ @ @ @ work out at home .
But his latest song has a more compelling message now @ @ @ @ @ outside again .
The stats may be American but the message is universal .
You @ @ @ @ @ , TikTok and Instagram if you don ’ t want to miss any upcoming gems @ @ @ @ @ self-isolating take on I Will Survive is the anthem for our coronavirus times

Videos
Since lockdown began in March, US comedian, Tom McGovern has been writing upbeat jingles to help keep up our spirits during the pandemic.
His set-up isn’t the most flash we’ve seen …
Via
But it gets the job done brilliantly.
Here’s a jingle he wrote for trainer Anthony Crouchelli, who wanted to encourage people to work out at home.
But his latest song has a more compelling message now that we’re going outside again.
The stats may be American but the message is universal.
You can follow Tom on Twitter, TikTok and Instagram if you don’t want to miss any upcoming gems.
READ MORE
This mum’s self-isolating take on I Will Survive is the anthem for our coronavirus times
Source Tom McGovern Image Tom McGovern


thepoke--2020-07-07--People love the Welsh first minister’s answer about his ‘favourite cheese’

We have to confess the Welsh first minister Mark Drakeford hadn ’ t come across our radar too often in @ @ @ @ @ watching this he is by some distance our new favourite politician .
He was asked @ @ @ @ @ A about his favourite cheese and his lovely answer is sure to put a smile @ @ @ @ @ very possibly have you hankering after a bit of cheese ) .
This person ’ @ @ @ @ @ dressing is very odd ( and oddly funny )

Videos
We have to confess the Welsh first minister Mark Drakeford hadn’t come across our radar too often in the past, but after watching this he is by some distance our new favourite politician.
He was asked on a video Q&A about his favourite cheese and his lovely answer is sure to put a smile on your face (and very possibly have you hankering after a bit of cheese).
Let us be in no doubt: the first minister Mark Drakeford really, really likes cheese. pic.twitter.com/YlEfJLU4RD — David Deans (@DeansOfCardiff) July 6, 2020
Gromit! Come and watch!
It warrants a supercut. pic.twitter.com/QmPjuSjOZe — Owen Williams 🏴 (@OwsWills) July 6, 2020
How does Mark Drakeford eat his cheese?
‘Carephully’…. — Lowri Wynn (@LowriWynnn) July 6, 2020
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This person’s obsession with blue cheese dressing is very odd (and oddly funny)
Source @DeansOfCardiff


thepoke--2020-07-07--Boris Johnson blamed care home owners for coronavirus deaths and Susie Dent’s tweet was 10/10

You ’ ve probably already seen how Boris Johnson today appeared to lay the blame for the high coronavirus death @ @ @ @ @ the feet of care providers themselves .
Here ’ s what the so-called prime minister @ @ @ @ @ you can read lots of totally on-point responses here .
Countdown ’ s Susie Dent @ @ @ @ @ t actually refer to Boris Johnson or anything like that .
Except , well , @ @ @ @ @ .
Smellfungus !
We have a feeling that one might stick .
Let ’ s @ @ @ @ @ Not the first time Dent ’ s done this sort of thing of course .
@ @ @ @ @ up to you to guess who she might have had in mind when she tweeted @ @ @ @ @ the blame for excess care home deaths to care bosses – 8 swift clapbacks AND @ @

Twitter
You’ve probably already seen how Boris Johnson today appeared to lay the blame for the high coronavirus death rate in social care at the feet of care providers themselves.
Here’s what the so-called prime minister had to say.
“We discovered too many care homes didn’t really follow the procedures in the way that they could have.”
And you can read lots of totally on-point responses here. Countdown’s Susie Dent, meanwhile, didn’t actually refer to Boris Johnson or anything like that. Except, well, have a read for yourself.
smellfungus (18th century): a grumbler, faultfinder, or one who likes to shift the blame for their own mistakes onto someone else. — Susie Dent (@susie_dent) July 7, 2020
Smellfungus! We have a feeling that one might stick. Let’s hope so, anyway.
Is there a word that encapsulates the term "I see what you did there"? — Robin Flavell (@RobinFlavell) July 7, 2020
Dent is the absolute World Champion subtweeter. Huge respect. https://t.co/SW6nMNBT4q — Chris Addison (@mrchrisaddison) July 7, 2020
Absolutely loving your trolling. Pure class, every time. 👏 — Ionionion (@Ionionion16) July 7, 2020
At last a word for someone who blames care workers for his own errors. #smellfungus …. thank you @susie_dent https://t.co/yzHQjZODPN — Gavin Esler (@gavinesler) July 7, 2020
Not the first time Dent’s done this sort of thing of course. We’ll leave it up to you to guess who she might have had in mind when she tweeted these.
Word of the day is ‘bloviator’ (19th century): a speaker of empty rhetoric and blower of hot air; someone who talks a lot but says very little. — Susie Dent (@susie_dent) May 29, 2020
It’s that time again. A mumpsimus (16th century) is someone who refuses to budge/insists that they are right, despite clear evidence that they are wrong. Plural: mumpsimuses. — Susie Dent (@susie_dent) May 25, 2020
While Toilet Duck and Dettol are trending, here's a reminder of the word 'ultracrepidarian': one who consistently offers opinions and advice on subjects way beyond their understanding. — Susie Dent (@susie_dent) April 24, 2020
READ MORE
Boris Johnson shifted the blame for excess care home deaths to care bosses – 8 swift clapbacks
AND EVEN MORE
Simply 9 times Countdown’s Susie Dent threw perfect shade on Twitter


thepoke--2020-07-07--We didn’t see where this Twitter spat was going and the twist was a knockout

There ’ s nothing unusual about seeing people calling each other out on Twitter , but this conversation between mixed @ @ @ @ @ and a fight fan calling himself John Fury , had a little something extra .
@ @ @ @ @ level of honesty we don ’ t see very often .
Here ’ s what @ @ @ @ @ it .
The irony is that John ’ s comment was actually a – backhanded @ @ @ @ @ this third-degree Twitter burn to Conor Magregor and Triple C. It looks like we have @ @ @ @ @ good upbringing to thank for that moment of Twitter comedy gold .
This Twitter spat @ @ @ @ @ ambassadors will make your day better

Twitter
There’s nothing unusual about seeing people calling each other out on Twitter, but this conversation between mixed martial artist, Paul Felder and a fight fan calling himself John Fury, had a little something extra.
That’s a refreshing level of honesty we don’t see very often.
Here’s what people have been saying about it.
Someone owning up to their twitter fingers?? Is 2020 turning around?? — Julian Truscott (@JTthe15th) July 6, 2020
lol the honesty. You can’t even be mad — Scott R (@evilgenius780) July 6, 2020
Wholesome interactions between strangers on Twitter? What next, 2020?! — WhipmastaFlex (@WhipmastaFlex) July 6, 2020
Lol the guy knows his place I give him that 😅 — Paquet (@Paquet90) July 5, 2020
The irony is that John’s comment was actually a – backhanded – compliment after Paul issued this third-degree Twitter burn to Conor Magregor and Triple C.
I’d like to see you guys rematch the frozen pizza ya burned in your moms oven last night. — Paul Felder (@felderpaul) July 5, 2020
It looks like we have “John’s” good upbringing to thank for that moment of Twitter comedy gold.
Just being honest that's how I was raised — John 'take your care' Fury (@joshuaS_10) July 6, 2020
See! Manners are important.
READ MORE
This Twitter spat between the British and French ambassadors will make your day better
Source rudy betrayed Image Screengrab, rudy betrayed


thepoke--2020-07-09--It was another kind of Burns Night when a Scot saw these anti-maskers invoking Braveheart

In a now-deleted Facebook post , one anti-masker in the US shared how she and another woman had made a @ @ @ @ @ ’ s mask laws .
In case their innovative look has left you baffled , @ @ @ @ @ to Mel Gibson ‘ s film ‘ Braveheart ’ , in which a curiously accented @ @ @ @ @ of the English , with this rallying cry : Unfortunately for her , an actual @ @ @ @ @ .
Someone with the very relatable user name beerbellybegone shared a screengrab on Reddit , @ @ @ @ @ thoughts .
These were our favourites .
u/randyspotboiler got their Scottish films a bit tangled @ @ @ @ @ was a fair point well made .
Someone has made a hilarious thread that shoots @ @ @ @ @ excuses

Popular
In a now-deleted Facebook post, one anti-masker in the US shared how she and another woman had made a stand against her home state’s mask laws.
In case their innovative look has left you baffled, it’s a nod to Mel Gibson‘s film ‘Braveheart’, in which a curiously accented Gibson takes on the might of the English, with this rallying cry:
Unfortunately for her, an actual Scot had the perfect takedown.
Someone with the very relatable user name beerbellybegone shared a screengrab on Reddit, where people added their own thoughts.
These were our favourites.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
u/randyspotboiler got their Scottish films a bit tangled, but we thought this was a fair point well made.
READ MORE
Someone has made a hilarious thread that shoots down all those flimsy anti-mask excuses
Source r/MurderedByWords Image r/MurderedByWords, Screengrab (Fox Entertainment)


thepoke--2020-07-09--Liz Truss doesn’t think the UK will be ready for Brexit – 9 unsurprised takedowns

Some media outlets , including Business Insider , have seen a leaked letter from International Trade Secretary Liz Truss to @ @ @ @ @ expresses doubts about the UK ’ s preparations for Brexit .
These reactions cover it @ @ @ @ @ had a clarification of one of her points .
James O ’ Brien , who @ @ @ @ @ his Brexit predictions , mused on something .
This supercut of Liz Truss being owned @ @ @ @ @ very satisfying watch

Twitter
Some media outlets, including Business Insider, have seen a leaked letter from International Trade Secretary Liz Truss to the Prime Minister, which expresses doubts about the UK’s preparations for Brexit.
What. A. Shocker.
Anyway, BI’s Adam Payne shared the details.
Exclusive: I've seen a pretty explosive letter from Truss to Gove/Sunak which says she's worried that UK borders won't be ready for 2021 She says — Ports might not be fully ready
— NI protocol unlikely to be either
— UK plans could be challenged at WTOhttps://t.co/InG7BbES3m — Adam Payne (@adampayne26) July 8, 2020
These reactions cover it rather well.
1.
This letter is truly shocking.
I had absolutely no idea that Liz Truss was bright enough to work out how shit my Brexit plan is. pic.twitter.com/RC0tW9vve7 — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) July 8, 2020
2.
Liz Truss sends my twitter feed from two years ago in a letter. The absolute state of this government. https://t.co/WiieSkKCq5 — Seb Dance 🌹🇪🇺 (@SebDance) July 8, 2020
3.
4.
If Liz Truss has figured it out, it must be obvious to every single MP. — KingyNR (@NrKingy) July 8, 2020
5.
The film La Haine begins with a guy who falls off a skyscraper and who, as he passes each floor, says to himself "so far so good." That's pretty much a description of this Government's policy on Brexit. https://t.co/cUYy0ql9Kt — Jo Maugham QC (@JolyonMaugham) July 8, 2020
6.
No one could have foreseen this. https://t.co/3lRrikFYPO — John Rain (@MrKenShabby) July 8, 2020
7.
So much for the oven ready deal… https://t.co/56dGR3yv4h — steve richards (@steverichards14) July 8, 2020
8.
Exclusive. Liz Truss about to lose her job.
Classic Dom https://t.co/vjO8AltK8P — George 💫 (@Trampolinecare) July 8, 2020
9.
😕 — The Irish Border (@BorderIrish) July 8, 2020
Davey Six-Toes had a clarification of one of her points.
To be fair, I think Liz is a little too late with the global reputational damage bit. https://t.co/nnXYwRNf0Y — Davey Six-Toes (@HutchinsonDave) July 8, 2020
James O’Brien, who has proved depressingly accurate with his Brexit predictions, mused on something.
Incoming. I wonder whether she got the gig so that they could hit her with the 'Remainer' stick when she started telling the truth… https://t.co/h6ClO9i17v — James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) July 8, 2020
Watch this space.
READ MORE
This supercut of Liz Truss being owned again and again is a very satisfying watch
Source Adam Payne Image Screengrab, @shunyakoide on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-07-09--“If people today were on the Titanic” is 58 seconds very well spent

Comedy writer Matt Buechele has perfectly parodied the arguments given by anti-maskers and Covid skeptics in this 58-second sketch .
@ @ @ @ @ over half a million times in ten hours and has had 16,000 retweets already .
@ @ @ @ @ the comments so far .
9 signs you might be a covidiot

Videos
Comedy writer Matt Buechele has perfectly parodied the arguments given by anti-maskers and Covid skeptics in this 58-second sketch.
if people today were on the titanic pic.twitter.com/7Lu3zKDgQ9 — Matt Buechele (@mattbooshell) July 8, 2020
“I can’t move my arms when I’m wearing a life-jacket and it makes me look kinda girly.”
The video has been viewed over half a million times in ten hours and has had 16,000 retweets already.
Here are a few of the comments so far.
STOP. WATCH. This is my hero for the day. https://t.co/8G5iBLe1LN — Baratunde (@baratunde) July 8, 2020
Perfect https://t.co/UDjj2DPpLn — Jeremy TEST/TRACE/ISOLATE – NO SHORTCUTS Konyndyk (@JeremyKonyndyk) July 8, 2020
This hits the nail squarely on the head. And, once again, with a little more volume for those at the back: parts of 'murica are PHUQUED. https://t.co/10XvvT0Na1 — Lady Wilma Wicked-Terrier esq. (@capuchinster) July 9, 2020
This is especially funny cuz “it’s only bad where the iceberg hit the boat” is basically what they said. 😂 https://t.co/D1YHhVyNYS — 🎬 Jeremiah Warren 📷 (@jeremiahjw) July 9, 2020
In short …
This is good content https://t.co/UYYMeaDxCh — Don Moynihan (@donmoyn) July 8, 2020
via Gfycat
READ MORE
9 signs you might be a covidiot
Source @mattbooshell Image @mattbooshell, Screengrab


thepoke--2020-07-09--News in brief: a lighthearted look at the week’s top stories

Do you want to know what ’ s going been on in the news this week , but without the hassle of trawling through all the websites ?
Would you prefer your information to come with bonus funny tweets ?
If you answered “ yes ” to both of those , this is the round-up for you .
After hastily deleting what looked like an advert for Club Tropicana encouraging the public to go to the pub , the government warned us not to overdo it , upholding its proud tradition of clear and consistent advice on the coronavirus .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ seated , order via an app , pay with a card and provide their name and contact details .
“ Alexa , describe what would happen if Jacob Rees-Mogg held a Tupperware party.
” The UK Arts sector to get £1.57 billion boost After lobbying by industry insiders and punters , the Treasury caved and announced a rescue package for the beleaguered Performing Arts sector .
The relief flooding the 70+ theatres already on the brink of closure was perfectly offset by the disappointment of Tim Martin who had been choosing names for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ protests from the public and prominent media personalities , the government remains determined to end its emergency free parking scheme for NHS workers .
It ’ s just as well there isn ’ t a free parking permit scheme for MPs at Westminster or people might think they were hypocrites .
Liz Truss has written to the PM suggesting that ports won ’ t be ready for Brexit and that the UK ’ s plans not only risk a rise in smuggling , but could also face a legal challenge from the WTO @ @ @ @ @ @ @ same people who paid £14 million to a ferry company with no ferries and realised the importance of Dover two years after the Brexit vote would mess this up ?
Rishi Sunak announces Eat Out to Help Out voucher giveaway In his mini budget , the Chancellor shared details of a scheme to get people back into restaurants and cafes – a voucher worth up to £10 off .
When Boris Johnson said he would introduce a new deal , we didn ’ t realise he meant a meal deal .
Don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
If you had “ On-again-off-again bromance between ‘ Little Rocket Man ’ and ‘ Mentally Deranged U.S. Dotard ’ back on again ” on your 2020 bingo card , you could be in luck , as Trump – if not Kim – says he ’ s up for it .
Definitely not a ploy to distract attention from America ’ s 134k coronavirus deaths , his plummeting polls or the fact that his niece grassed him up for cheating on his SATs .
Number 10 ’ s top Special Adviser – so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get away with it – is to tour top secret military facilities ahead of a review of the system .
His extensive experience of *checks notes* failing to set up a Russian airline and running the Brexit campaign which was shown to have been influenced by *checks notes again* Russia make him ideally suited to fiddle with the mechanisms that protect the country from attack by *throws notes into a bin and sets them alight* Russia .
The rapper and former Trump advocate has announced he will run against Donald Trump and Joe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and Elon Musk , under the banner of The Birthday Party .
The only 5 reactions you need to the Tories planning a video-link party conference

Twitter
Do you want to know what’s going been on in the news this week, but without the hassle of trawling through all the websites?
Would you prefer your information to come with bonus funny tweets?
If you answered “yes” to both of those, this is the round-up for you.
Pubs re-opened in England
After hastily deleting what looked like an advert for Club Tropicana encouraging the public to go to the pub, the government warned us not to overdo it, upholding its proud tradition of clear and consistent advice on the coronavirus.
Pub-goers must maintain social distancing, remain seated, order via an app, pay with a card and provide their name and contact details.
“Alexa, describe what would happen if Jacob Rees-Mogg held a Tupperware party.”
– the first thing i’m doing when i’m released tomorrow is to go down the pub and enjoy a relaxing pint away from all these rules, regulations and f**king barriers…
– i’ve got some bad news terry… pic.twitter.com/s4249VJIzY — forest fr1ends (@forest_fr1ends) July 3, 2020
The UK Arts sector to get £1.57 billion boost
After lobbying by industry insiders and punters, the Treasury caved and announced a rescue package for the beleaguered Performing Arts sector.
The relief flooding the 70+ theatres already on the brink of closure was perfectly offset by the disappointment of Tim Martin who had been choosing names for 70+ new branches of Wetherspoons.
a lot of people worried about whether there will be a panto season this year can rest assured that the Government will still be in power and there may even be a special appearance by Jenny Harries — end of daves ❄ 🥕 🧻 (@davemacladd) July 6, 2020
Free hospital parking scheme for NHS staff to end
Despite protests from the public and prominent media personalities, the government remains determined to end its emergency free parking scheme for NHS workers.
It’s just as well there isn’t a free parking permit scheme for MPs at Westminster or people might think they were hypocrites.
via Gfycat
Matt Hancock confirms NHS track-and-trace app will be adapted to identify staff who haven’t paid for hospital parking. — Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) July 8, 2020
Leaked letter from International Trade Secretary exposes Brexit border doubts
Liz Truss has written to the PM suggesting that ports won’t be ready for Brexit and that the UK’s plans not only risk a rise in smuggling, but could also face a legal challenge from the WTO.
Who could have guessed that the same people who paid £14 million to a ferry company with no ferries and realised the importance of Dover two years after the Brexit vote would mess this up?
This letter is truly shocking.
I had absolutely no idea that Liz Truss was bright enough to work out how shit my Brexit plan is. pic.twitter.com/RC0tW9vve7 — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) July 8, 2020
Rishi Sunak announces Eat Out to Help Out voucher giveaway
In his mini budget, the Chancellor shared details of a scheme to get people back into restaurants and cafes – a voucher worth up to £10 off.
When Boris Johnson said he would introduce a new deal, we didn’t realise he meant a meal deal. Don’t blow it all in one shop.
This restaurant discount scheme is essentially just a state-mandated version of going online and Googling ‘Pizza Express voucher code’ before someone’s birthday lunch at work, isn’t it? — Red Sky At Night (@redskyatnight) July 8, 2020
Donald Trump “open to meeting” with Kim Jong-un
If you had “On-again-off-again bromance between ‘Little Rocket Man’ and ‘Mentally Deranged U.S. Dotard’ back on again” on your 2020 bingo card, you could be in luck, as Trump – if not Kim – says he’s up for it.
Definitely not a ploy to distract attention from America’s 134k coronavirus deaths, his plummeting polls or the fact that his niece grassed him up for cheating on his SATs.
To be clear, trump thinks: Charlottesville Nazis: very fine people
Kim Jong-Un: we're in love
Putin: very strong leader Millions of people peacefully protesting racism: Nazis — BrooklynDad_Defiant! (@mmpadellan) July 4, 2020
Dominic Cummings to overhaul UK defence system
Number 10’s top Special Adviser – so special he can drive whilst blind and get away with it – is to tour top secret military facilities ahead of a review of the system.
His extensive experience of *checks notes* failing to set up a Russian airline and running the Brexit campaign which was shown to have been influenced by *checks notes again* Russia make him ideally suited to fiddle with the mechanisms that protect the country from attack by *throws notes into a bin and sets them alight* Russia.
2016:
“Vote Leave to stop unelected bureaucrats interfering in our affairs” 2020:https://t.co/A23oXZ9Ppl — David Schneider (@davidschneider) July 8, 2020
And finally …
Kanye West announces bid for presidency in 2020
The rapper and former Trump advocate has announced he will run against Donald Trump and Joe Biden with the support of Kim Kardashian and Elon Musk, under the banner of The Birthday Party.
Satire is dead.
If you would vote for Kanye West raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it! — Deshawn Smith (@damunvegas) July 5, 2020
READ MORE
The only 5 reactions you need to the Tories planning a video-link party conference
Image Screengrab @jonathanborba on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-07-08--This might be the best thing anyone’s done with the panoramic option on their camera phone

We ’ ve tried using the panoramic picture option on our phone but it ’ s a lot of bother @ @ @ @ @ out as well as we imagine .
This , though , this is on a @ @ @ @ @ Finally , a worthwhile use for the technology !
The original Instagram video went viral @ @ @ @ @ if you ’ re thinking that a lot of people immediately thought of one thing @ @ @ @ @ probably right .

Videos
We’ve tried using the panoramic picture option on our phone but it’s a lot of bother and it never quite works out as well as we imagine.
This, though, this is on a totally different level altogether.
Finally, a worthwhile use for the technology! The original Instagram video went viral on Imgur and Reddit
And if you’re thinking that a lot of people immediately thought of one thing, then you’re probably right.
‘Hmm…I just thought of a picture I wanna take with my girlfriend tonight.’ allergic_to_LOLcats ‘Step 1. Get girlfriend.’ dommol
READ MORE
17 of the most weird and wonderful panoramic photo fails
Source Instagram @pablo.rochat


thepoke--2020-07-08--People enjoyed Monica Lewinsky’s response to Sarah Cooper’s ‘advice for the younger generation’

You ’ ll probably know actor and comedian Sarah Cooper for her scathing lip-synchs of Donald Trump as he says @ @ @ @ @ after … stupid thing .
She took some time out to offer a little bit @ @ @ @ @ followers .
And we mention it because Monica Lewinsky replied and people loved her for @ @

Twitter
You’ll probably know actor and comedian Sarah Cooper for her scathing lip-synchs of Donald Trump as he says stupid thing after stupid thing after … stupid thing.
She took some time out to offer a little bit of life advice for her followers.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you're 40, you'll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it's really fun — Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) July 7, 2020
And we mention it because Monica Lewinsky replied and people loved her for it.
Boom.
*some exceptions may apply — Eric Garland (@ericgarland) July 8, 2020
This is why @monicalewinsky is my favorite person on Twitter!! Somehow she is even funnier than Sarah Cooper😂😂 — taylor (@cheetaylicious) July 8, 2020
thank you but i’m DEF not funnier than @sarahcpr … ♥ — Monica Lewinsky (@MonicaLewinsky) July 8, 2020
READ MORE
“How to bunker” – Sarah Cooper nails Trump’s weird excuse for hiding
Images screengrabs


thepoke--2020-07-08--Michael Holding talked about racism and white privilege and the grimly predictable replies made his

Michael Holding talked about racism and white privilege and the grimly predictable replies made his point for him

Test match cricket returned today , somewhat later than scheduled because of the pandemic .
Before the action kicked off @ @ @ @ @ Michael Holding spoke very eloquently and movingly about racism and the lessons society still has @ @ @ @ @ many people appreciated what he had to say .
Lots of people didn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ make his point almost as well as he did .
But we ’ re not @ @ @ @ @ , we ’ re going to dwell on these instead .
Jake Humphrey ’ s @ @ @ @ @ who called him ‘ ridiculous ’ was Formula One-derful

Videos
Test match cricket returned today with England taking on West Indies, somewhat later than scheduled because of the pandemic.
Before the first ball was bowled, West Indies cricketing legend Michael Holding spoke eloquently and movingly about racism and the lessons society still has to learn.
"Until we educate the entire human race, this thing will not stop." Michael Holding delivers a powerful message, explaining why #BlackLivesMatter. pic.twitter.com/2jiATkOqQ4 — Sky Sports Cricket (@SkyCricket) July 8, 2020
Many, many people appreciated what he had to say. Lots of people didn’t as well and their comments make his point almost as well as he did.
But we’re not going to dwell on those, we’re going to dwell on these instead.
"DaveMillwall774737373🇬🇧" accounts in 5…4…3… — Mark (@DiscoVolante88) July 8, 2020
All the people on here moaning about these Black lives matter clips and talks are the reason these messages are still needed to be repeated over and over! — Niall Mclaughlin (@Littlemog98) July 8, 2020
Some of the comments on here… I’m just watching cricket, don’t want to be lectured. fuckwits. An incredibly powerful 5 minutes from a great man. Thank you Michael. — ginbeast (@ben_price55) July 8, 2020
All these people moaning about it not being about cricket….
Bet they don't moan when Blowers talks about pigeons and bendy buses or what cakes the TMS team have. — mike ashwin (@mikeashwin) July 8, 2020
‘History is written by the people who do the harm’. Brilliant from Mikey. — Mark Gray (@saintlymark) July 8, 2020
If you’ve got a problem with what Michael said then keep watching the video until the penny drops. — Ashley (@ashleybarfoot24) July 8, 2020
I read a few comments here and some people stated that a cricket channel should not talk about anything but cricket.
This is where the problem lies. Important for youngsters to learn from the greats about sports and life.
It needs to imbibed.
Michael Holding spoke so well. — Javi (@futbolesqueAFC) July 8, 2020
Yoh people are hurt in the comments ey. Its you he was speaking to — Waseefa (@Cfa89) July 8, 2020
My god, the sigh at the end 🙁 — Si-cial distancing (@Si_Margolis) July 8, 2020
Wow, just wow. Thank you @SkyCricket and Mikey Holding. Brave, brilliant programming. And can’t believe how anyone with a human heart can complain about this. Sorry if you wanted some cricket chat old chap. Some of the comments on here are a desperate and sad indictment on the UK — Chris Doughty (@dowt23) July 8, 2020
To conclude, this.
Holding’s greatest spell (and that’s saying something) pic.twitter.com/pkXKunHiNj — Jarrod Kimber (@ajarrodkimber) July 8, 2020
And this.
It is as important to listen to Michael Holding as it is to read some of the comments underneath this. We have a long way to go. https://t.co/966rTwPEwK — Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) July 8, 2020
And this.
Incredible this. Not only is it extremely powerful, but imagine speaking for four minutes off the cuff and doing it so beautifully. Not a single word wasted. https://t.co/V9gvYgOkXP — Nooruddean (@BeardedGenius) July 8, 2020
READ MORE
Jake Humphrey’s takedown of a Tory councillor who called him ‘ridiculous’ was Formula One-derful
Source Twitter @SkyCricket


thepoke--2020-07-08--Boris Johnson said he never blamed care home owners over Covid-19 so James O’Brien did this and it’s

Boris Johnson said he never blamed care home owners over Covid-19 so James O’Brien did this and it’s perfect

Boris Johnson told Prime Minister ’ s Question Time today that he never blamed care home owners for Covid-19 deaths @ @ @ @ @ exactly that just a few days ago .
The prime minister told Labour leader Keir @ @ @ @ @ saying that I blamed or tried to blame care workers and that is simply not @ @ @ @ @ is we now know things about how the coronavirus is passed , person to person @ @ @ @ @ we just didn ’ t know.
’ So LBC ’ s James O ’ Brien @ @ @ @ @ a listen to what Johnson said he said , and what he actually said , @ @ @ @ @ you all you need to know .
And just in case you think your ears @ @ @ @ @ here are his original comments again , this time on video .
Rishi Sunak wants @ @ @ @ @ to help out ’ and everyone made the same joke

Videos
Boris Johnson told Prime Minister’s Question Time today that he never blamed care home owners for Covid-19 deaths, despite appearing to do exactly that just a few days ago.
The prime minister told Labour leader Keir Starmer: ‘He keeps saying that I blamed or tried to blame care workers and that is simply not the case. The reality is we now know things about how the coronavirus is passed, person to person, without symptoms, that we just didn’t know.’
So LBC’s James O’Brien thought he’d have a listen to what Johnson said he said, and what he actually said, and it really does tell you all you need to know.
Boris Johnson told PMQs that he never said care homes were to blame for the coronavirus crisis in the homes. So James O'Brien listened back to his words…@mrjamesob | #PMQs pic.twitter.com/Dqz5boltaE — LBC (@LBC) July 8, 2020
Perfect.
And just in case you think your ears must surely deceive you, here are his original comments again, this time on video.
You can watch Boris Johnson's original comments on care homes here pic.twitter.com/Ve8oVzuZTx — LBC (@LBC) July 8, 2020
You can't even dream of doing off the cuff stuff like this on live radio unless you are lucky enough to have the complete support & trust of brilliant colleagues like @theousherwood, @KeithTrue & @Alexbarnett77. https://t.co/eAsfxuT8OR — James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) July 8, 2020
READ MORE
Rishi Sunak wants people to ‘eat out to help out’ and everyone made the same joke
Source @mrjamesob


thepoke--2020-07-08--Rishi Sunak wants people to ‘eat out to help out’ and everyone made the same joke

As part of his efforts to get the economy going , chancellor Rishi Sunak is offering people 50 % off @ @ @ @ @ to a maximum of £10 per head .
And he ’ s calling this scheme @ @ @ @ @ out ’ .
And is everyone thinking what you ’ re thinking ?
Of course @ @ @ @ @ appalled that the NHS free parking is ending – 9 scathing reactions

Twitter
As part of his efforts to get the economy going, chancellor Rishi Sunak is offering people 50% off their restaurant bills, up to a maximum of £10 per head.
And he’s calling this scheme ‘eat out to help out’.
To support restaurants and the people who work in them we’re saying ‘Eat Out to Help Out’. So for the month of August we will give you a 50% reduction, up to £10 per head, on sit-down meals and non-alcoholic drinks Monday-Wednesday. #PlanForJobs pic.twitter.com/D6eznIDjqC — Rishi Sunak (@RishiSunak) July 8, 2020
And is everyone else thinking what you’re thinking? Of course they are!
Which cunning linguist came up with that slogan? — alicia (@devalicia) July 8, 2020
“Eat out to help out” is a message that needs to be sent to a large number of british men and I am glad Rishi is making this bold feminist move — sarisha (@milkgapes) July 8, 2020
to be fair to Rishi, it's true that eating out can help mitigate a weak pound — Marie Le Conte (@youngvulgarian) July 8, 2020
‘Go Down for Your Town’ didn’t make the cut? — Glenn ’32k by Christmas’ Hodl (@g_hodl) July 8, 2020
It’s called ‘eat out to help out’ pic.twitter.com/7Oi5nVVHoZ — Sean (@seandw14) July 8, 2020
Eat out to help out? I’m so embarrassed by that slogan I don’t know where to put my face — . (@twlldun) July 8, 2020
Don’t think they had time to focus group “Eat Out to Help Out” somehow — Matt Zarb-Cousin (@mattzarb) July 8, 2020
#EatOutToHelpOut sounds like a filth campaign my husband has fabricated in an attempt to guilt trip me. — Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) July 8, 2020
"Eat out to help out. Know what I mean squire? He arsked him knowingly" pic.twitter.com/LOmTFZQSYq — Bacardi Oakheart (@Midgetgems26) July 8, 2020
if someone hasn't already defaced that poster so it says "eat me out to help me out" then i don't understand this country — Nish Kumar (@MrNishKumar) July 8, 2020
Could have avoided all these innuendo jokes by calling it "Nosh for Britain" https://t.co/NlX6xR364q — Conor Pope (@Conorpope) July 8, 2020
"Eat out to help out" "Trigger the trickle-down effect" "Cunnilingus for money winners" "Gruffle a clam to save a businessman" "Loose lips? Economy dips" "Eat clam and carry on" "Become a labia saviour" "Flaps for carers" — Captain Bison Trippshorn (@Brainmage) July 8, 2020
as a gay woman i can confirm i'm happy with eat out to help out — deanna (@deanna_hallett) July 8, 2020
Not everyone went for the double entendre (did you spot it?) We also enjoyed these …
You shall have a dishy,
Thanks to Mister Rishi,
Then the votes come in. (Needs a bit of work.) — James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) July 8, 2020
Met this girl on Monday
Took her for a socially-distanced drink on Tuesday
We were eating out by Wednesday
but on Thursday and and Friday and Saturday
we ate in because it wasn't part of the government discount scheme#eatouttohelpout — Heidi Stephens (@heidistephens) July 8, 2020
It is now theoretically possible that, in extremely limited circumstances, and combined with the right voucher code, Pizza Express could pay you to eat there. https://t.co/t7fQK7Ytfa — Tom Peck (@tompeck) July 8, 2020
Emma Barnett: would you nationalise sausages? Rishi Sunak: Just 50% of them up to the value of £10 between Monday and Wednesday in August — Eve Livingston (@eve_rebecca) July 8, 2020
Listen if your Tinder date is taking you out for a meal in August and it falls between Monday to Wednesday he or she ain't the one #eatouttohelpout — Brady (@BKArsenal14) July 8, 2020
Has anyone done “KEEP CALM
AND CURRY ON” yet? https://t.co/dhOxvpIiZF — Shaun Keaveny (@shaunwkeaveny) July 8, 2020
READ MORE
People are appalled that the NHS free parking is ending – 9 scathing reactions


thepoke--2020-07-08--This man claiming the credit for Frankenstein’s monster is a very funny read

It started over on Twitter – where else ?
– when @ woodmuffin pointed out just how much credit Mary @ @ @ @ @ with Frankenstein ’ s monster .
And it prompted a man to get in touch @ @ @ @ @ , he had also come up with the idea for Frankenstein ’ s monster , @ @ @ @ @ He ’ s surely not being serious – is he being serious ?
– but @ @ @ @ @ smile ( face palm optional , depending on how you take it ) .
The @ @ @ @ @ was shared on Twitter by @ isabelzawtun who had this to say .
And here @ @ @ @ @ the things people said in response .
The guy who mansplained Sarah Silverman ’ s @ @ @ @ @ Week™

Twitter
It started over on Twitter – where else? – when @woodmuffin pointed out just how much credit Mary Shelley deserved for coming up with Frankenstein’s monster.
And it prompted a man to get in touch to point out, actually, he had also come up with the idea for Frankenstein’s monster, entirely independently of Shelley.
He’s surely not being serious – is he being serious? – but either way it made us smile (face palm optional, depending on how you take it).
The exchange went viral after it was shared on Twitter by @isabelzawtun who had this to say.
“I am the real inventor of Frankenstein but nobody will credit me because I’m a white cis male born a century after 1817” is truly the most breathtaking take I have recently encountered thank you @jaggings — Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) July 7, 2020
whether you’re here to laugh at Tony Furniture or yell at me that he’s a troll, either way we can agree that (1) it’s very funny and (2) innocent people should not be wrongfully imprisoned. Here is a petition to sign please and thank you!https://t.co/gjFHcmardG — Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) July 7, 2020
And here are just a few of the things people said in response.
Poor Tony Furniture. He also invented the car in 2004, but because he’s a white cis male that invention was totally ignored. — Julicorn 🦄 (@ChicksRule) July 7, 2020
I’d like to see Tony Furniture’s Frankenstein. I’m sure it’s very good — john (@mrjohndarby) July 7, 2020
he’s the victim here don’t you see??? 😂 — House ⚔ (@mrmatthouse) July 7, 2020
Everyone thinks “Tony” is the name of the furniture but actually Tony built the furniture — Real AlexW on TER (@AlexEditingRoom) July 7, 2020
Hes not actually serious surely — Peanut king in B L M town (@eddytheaxe) July 7, 2020
I looked at his profile and am genuinely unsure — Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) July 7, 2020
i could tell this was a joke, so i’m having fun reading all these replies & feeling smug — Shaun (@shaun_vids) July 7, 2020
that’s the great thing about this, it’s funny whether or not it’s real (and it’s funnier to me if it’s not). Poe’s Law baby — Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) July 7, 2020
READ MORE
The guy who mansplained Sarah Silverman’s joke wins Mansplainer of the Week™
Source @isabelzawtun Image screengrab


thepoke--2020-07-08--Jake Humphrey’s takedown of a Tory councillor who called him ‘ridiculous’ was Formula One-derful

To the world of Formula 1 , where sports presenter Jake Humphrey shared some thoughts about new and emerging ( @ @ @ @ @ And it caught the attention of this ( presumably ) Formula 1 fan who also @ @ @ @ @ councillor , who suggested Humphrey should stand down and let someone else have a go @ @ @ @ @ Keown for turning up late and he went full David Brent

Pics
To the world of Formula 1, where sports presenter Jake Humphrey shared some thoughts about new and emerging (and old) talent.
https://twitter.com/mrjakehumphrey/status/1280529709575680001?s=20
And it caught the attention of this (presumably) Formula 1 fan who also happens to be a Conservative councillor, who suggested Humphrey should stand down and let someone else have a go.
How ridiculous. By your logic it’s time for you to move on then. Maybe let @BillyMonger take more of a lead… — Cllr Liam Walker (@_Liam_Walker_) July 7, 2020
And Humphrey’s comeback was championship-winning stuff.
Boom.
A Tory Cllr unaware of simple facts. Imagine my surprise. — Scotty 🏴 (@Pars4312) July 8, 2020
Liam Walker has left the conversation. — Kieran (@KieranMilward) July 8, 2020
READ MORE
Jake Humphrey ribbed Martin Keown for turning up late and he went full David Brent
Source @mrjakehumphrey


thepoke--2020-07-08--People have been getting laughs out of this bad situation – our 11 favourites

As Wales discusses whether to make masks compulsory in public spaces , England is discussing ending free parking for NHS @ @ @ @ @ front line .
It seems unlikely that there ’ ll be a welcome in the @ @ @ @ @ .
On Twitter , funny people are still coming up with new ways of getting @ @ @ @ @ bad situation , and we salute them .
Pandemic puns and lockdown laughs – 11 @ @ @ @ @ up

Twitter
As Wales discusses whether to make masks compulsory in public spaces, England is discussing ending free parking for NHS workers fighting coronavirus on the front line.
It seems unlikely that there’ll be a welcome in the hillside for anyone from Westminster.
On Twitter, funny people are still coming up with new ways of getting a laugh out of a bad situation, and we salute them.
Here’s the latest batch.
1.
Lockdown is like being retired but with none of the back pain. — Kae Kurd (@KaeKurd) July 8, 2020
2.
You have to believe Alok Sharma when he says I did not blame care homes for 20,000 deaths.
The alternative would be that he was telling lies to cover up my lies, which is unthinkable. — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) July 7, 2020
3.
IS YOUR CHILD TEXTING ABOUT MASKS?
WTF = wear that facemask
IMO = indoors mask on
WYM = where’s your mask
CTFU = cover that face up
LMAO = leaving mask always on
DM = dope mask
SMH = superb mask habit
BDSM = bring dad some masks
TYVM = that’s your valiant mask
TMI = that mask is — New Jersey (@NJGov) July 7, 2020
4.
I quite like the idea of socially distanced audience members. Gives the rest of us a chance to fill the O2. — Chris Addison (@mrchrisaddison) July 7, 2020
5.
I hope the remaining six months of 2020 are better than the first eighty three months were. — Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 7, 2020
6.
If chubby men had know we were going to be wearing masks so much, we wouldn't have had to grow our beards. — Richard Osman (@richardosman) July 6, 2020
7.
Not now, the bleeding obvious pic.twitter.com/2QXRMzCzK6 — Craig Deeley 🇪🇺🏳🌈 (@craiguito) July 7, 2020
8.
SHAGGY: *reads tattered poster at deserted amusement park* "Please be aware that owing to the coronavirus situation we are currently operating with a skeleton staff." SCOOBY-DOO: Ruh roh! — paul bassett davies (@thewritertype) July 7, 2020
9.
WAL-MART MANAGER: sir you have to put pants on ME: you mean a butt mask? that's a hoax — FROVO (@fro_vo) July 7, 2020
10.
jeez would everyone calm down it’s just a massive flock of crows descending from a grey, eldritch, doom-tinged sky during a global pandemic https://t.co/1ipf6LBHWX — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) July 7, 2020
11.
When we all go back to having normal face to face conversations I'm really going to miss the mute and block buttons — Chris Purchase 🌈 (@ChrisPurchase) July 7, 2020
READ MORE
Pandemic puns and lockdown laughs – 11 tweets to keep your spirits up
Image @rocinante_11 and @mcoswalt on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-07-08--This hilariously Honest Trailer for the Indiana Jones trilogy might just ruin your childhood

The funny lot over at Screen Junkies have turned their unforgiving gaze on Indiana Jones – the good ones – @ @ @ @ @ to trample all over your happy memories .
You can ’ t say we didn @ @ @ @ @ Let ’ s not go too far – they made Harrison Ford look cool in @ @ @ @ @ – Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull Source Screen Junkies Image Screen @

Videos
The funny lot over at Screen Junkies have turned their unforgiving gaze on Indiana Jones – the good ones – and it’s going to trample all over your happy memories.
You can’t say we didn’t warn you.
“At the height of their power, they will achieve the impossible: make a guy look cool in a fedora.”
Let’s not go too far – they made Harrison Ford look cool in a fedora.
READ MORE
Honest Trailers – Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull
Source Screen Junkies Image Screen Junkies


thepoke--2020-07-08--These 15 puns about jobs might make you cringe a little – but they really work

In one of the many grand traditions of Twitter , people have been sharing puns that are – not to @ @ @ @ @ on it – outrageous .
Luckily , they ’ re funny as well as terrible @ @ @ @ @ – or worst – we spotted .

Twitter
In one of the many grand traditions of Twitter, people have been sharing puns that are – not to put too fine a point on it – outrageous. Luckily, they’re funny as well as terrible.
These were the best – or worst – we spotted.
1.
I once had a job as a human cannonball, but they fired me. https://t.co/LPRgc4ZWTq — Derry Air (@DerryAirIreland) July 5, 2020
2.
I had to quit my job as an emissions tester. It was exhausting. https://t.co/qmADnoNJOU — Block Me Amadeus (@WolfGangOfFour) July 5, 2020
3.
I gave up my job as a window cleaner it was becoming a pane. https://t.co/JRcpQAkMhi — GoneGirl15 (@Girl15Gone) July 5, 2020
4.
I wanted to become a competitive Hip-Hop DJ But I couldn't get up to scratch — Stewie Tea for 2.0 ☕🌷 (@StewieTea2) July 2, 2020
5.
I wanted to produce condiments But I couldn't cut the mustard. https://t.co/wT7YP6caVm — Arry Pottah🇨🇦 (@13murphy66) July 3, 2020
6.
I wanted to be a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it. https://t.co/lx4e77DPXO — Out of Context Stugga (@DaleStugga) July 2, 2020
7.
I once had a job as a circumcisor but I made a mistake, and got the sack. https://t.co/Kv4ZkySMsZ — Connor Byrne (@connorjbyrne) July 5, 2020
8.


thepoke--2020-07-10--There’s something truly delightful about this dog’s reaction to a magic trick

People love the reaction of French bulldog Sampson to his owner Kyle Carillet performing this “ magic ” trick .
@ @ @ @ @ t deserve these pure-hearted pups – they ’ re simply too good for us .
@ @ @ @ @ more than a million views in less than a day on Twitter after being shared @ @ @ @ @ account .
These are just a few of the many reactions to the much-needed cuteness @ @ @ @ @ reaction proves that dog magic videos reach parts that other videos can not reach .
@ @ @ @ @ another one .
This orangutan ’ s reaction to a magic trick will make your @ @

Videos
People love the reaction of French bulldog Sampson to his owner Kyle Carillet performing this “magic” trick.
Honestly, we don’t deserve these pure-hearted pups – they’re simply too good for us.
The clip has picked up more than a million views in less than a day on Twitter after being shared by the Humor and Animals account.
he literally can't believe his own eyes 😂
(kylecarillet IG) pic.twitter.com/AupKoqriGd — Humor And Animals (@humorandanimals) July 9, 2020
These are just a few of the many reactions to the much-needed cuteness.
I had a magic act when I was a kid. My brothers & sisters were a tough crowd, who heckled me mercilessly. I would have done much better with an all-dog audience. https://t.co/kM4J7cm3o4 — Mark Hamill (@HamillHimself) July 9, 2020
I like dogs.
I LOVE dogs watching sleight of hand magic. https://t.co/FmkN13naZW — ⭕ Bryan Dechart: Human (@BryanDechart) July 9, 2020
Steve Hullfish‘s reaction proves that dog magic videos reach parts that other videos cannot reach.
OK, I never re-tweet this kind of stuff, but honestly, this is a masterwork of comedic rhythm and timing. https://t.co/WJD6UihOgP — Steve Hullfish (@SteveHullfish) July 9, 2020
So, here’s another one.
with our little floofer pic.twitter.com/cVSFO1fo02 — Margaret Huang (@itsamoopoint) July 9, 2020
READ MORE
This orangutan’s reaction to a magic trick will make your day better
Source Kyle Carillet Image Kyle Carillet


thepoke--2020-07-10--The only 5 reactions you need to Trump being ordered to hand over his tax returns

Since before he was elected , Donald Trump has been making excuses for not handing over his tax returns for @ @ @ @ @ in a landmark ruling , the Supreme Court has ruled that his financial records should @ @ @ @ @ York prosecutors who are looking into payments made to women alleging affairs with the President @ @ @ @ @ Joe – get excited , the case has been referred back to the District Court @ @ @ @ @ not happen , and the details may not make it into the public domain , @ @ @ @ @ excited anyway .
These five reactions say all that needs to be said – for @ @ @ @ @ development , the White House spokesperson , Kayleigh McEnany insisted that Trump couldn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ are being audited – a claim both made and refuted by the IRS in 2016 @ @ @ @ @ Rupar had an answer for her .
Donald Trump wants to put UV light and @ @ @ @ @ 12 stunned responses

News
Since before he was elected, Donald Trump has been making excuses for not handing over his tax returns for public scrutiny.
Now, in a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court has ruled that his financial records should be handed over to New York prosecutors who are looking into payments made to women alleging affairs with the President.
U.S. SUPREME COURT RULES FOR NEW YORK GRAND JURY OVER BID TO OBTAIN TRUMP'S FINANCIAL RECORDS, INCLUDING TAX RETURNS — Kyle Griffin (@kylegriffin1) July 9, 2020
The American people deserve to know what Donald Trump is hiding in his tax returns. — Joe Biden (@JoeBiden) July 10, 2020
Before you – or Joe – get excited, the case has been referred back to the District Court, so it still may not happen, and the details may not make it into the public domain, but people have been pretty excited anyway.
These five reactions say all that needs to be said – for now.
1.
2.
3.
We don’t need Trump’s taxes to know he’s a crook and a Russian puppet. Even if we got those records before the election, his base will never desert him. But 94% of Americans already know how we’ll vote—so it’s about turnout. Use Trump’s records to send him to jail after he loses. — George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) July 9, 2020
4.
My number one guess for why trump won't show his taxes, aside from the money laundering, porn star payoffs, and other criminality, is that they show he's not really a billionaire. And he's fully owned by Putin. — BrooklynDad_Defiant! (@mmpadellan) July 9, 2020
5.
Somewhere, an industrial paper shredder awakens from its slumber. https://t.co/xnUmYaYvHd — comic book genizah (@david_wolkin) July 9, 2020
David Pepper used an oft-tweeted Trumpism.
In an unsurprising development, the White House spokesperson, Kayleigh McEnany insisted that Trump couldn’t release the returns because they are being audited – a claim both made and refuted by the IRS in 2016.
Political journalist, Aaron Rupar had an answer for her.
Kayleigh McEnany claims Trump’s tax returns are still under audit but he’ll release them when it’s over, which reminds me I have a bridge for sale in New York pic.twitter.com/bqpvCu2qs9 — Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) July 9, 2020
READ MORE
Donald Trump wants to put UV light and disinfectant into Covid-19 patients – 12 stunned responses
Source Kyle Griffin Image Screengrab


thepoke--2020-07-10--Michael Spicer’s “The football pundit who doesn’t watch football” is hilariously believable

Michael Spicer is so much more than the increasingly frustrated aide in the room next door .
For instance , @ @ @ @ @ football pundit who doesn ’ t actually watch football .
Why do we now suspect @ @ @ @ @ guy spouting garbage after a match on more than one occasion ?
As a bonus @ @ @ @ @ bringing us some more sporting news , as the unrehearsed voiceover artist .
There ’ @ @ @ @ @ up with his excellent radio comedy about creating the Room Next Door sketches , here @ @ @ @ @ acting masterclass is every bit as hilarious as you ’ d expect

Sport
Michael Spicer is so much more than the increasingly frustrated aide in the room next door.
For instance, he’s also the football pundit who doesn’t actually watch football.
the football pundit who doesn’t watch football pic.twitter.com/GAcW4tg4rz — Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) July 9, 2020
Why do we now suspect we’ve seen this guy spouting garbage after a match on more than one occasion?
via Gfycat
Twitter had a few observations.
If Matt Hancock was a football pundit! 🤣 https://t.co/tS3B3AaZO1 — Jo Mac (@Jomacjomac) July 9, 2020
"Hey Osman, do you mind handling this sports story?"
Me: https://t.co/NYF62sRmPO — Osman Baig (@TellyProducer) July 9, 2020
Feeling quite extraordinarily "seen", as I am given to understand the stylish young people are apt to remark on the internet. https://t.co/dM4EGtyvom — Lord WarGit, a Tom Nook subsidiary (@WarGit) July 9, 2020
Makes more sense than most of the real punditry — Adam Lethbridge (@AdamLethbridge) July 9, 2020
As a bonus, here’s Michael bringing us some more sporting news, as the unrehearsed voiceover artist.
There’s still time to catch up with his excellent radio comedy about creating the Room Next Door sketches, here.
READ MORE
Michael Spicer’s acting masterclass is every bit as hilarious as you’d expect
Source Michael Spicer Image Screengrab Michael Spicer


thepoke--2020-07-10--Chris Grayling has been put in charge of the Russia Report – the 11 funniest reactions

Although not every rhyming nickname bestowed by the British public makes the most sense – I ’ m looking at you , Dishy Rishi – the use of Failing Grayling for the oft-sacked Chris is entirely deserved .
When he was Justice Secretary , Grayling banned prisoners from receiving books from visitors , limiting their access to those already owned by the prison .
He also privatised the probation service , costing the country at least £170 million when it had to be renationalised after catastrophic problems , such as escapes and a huge rise in reoffending .
As Transport @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to such devastating effect that thousands of services were cancelled and thousands more ran late .
And of course , never forget the ferry company awarded a $ 14 million contract for post-Brexit services , which had no ferries and hadn ’ t had to go through the tendering process , leading to Eurotunnel successfully suing for a further £33 million .
By no means an exhaustive list .
After a period of relative quiet , he ’ s suddenly in view , like that blob of sour milk that alerts you to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rendered undrinkable .
Twitter had a few things to say on the matter – and these were our favourites .
It still wouldn ’ t be the stupidest thing he ’ s done .
This newspaper profile of Chris Grayling is brutal but the correction is the most devastating bit

Twitter
Although not every rhyming nickname bestowed by the British public makes the most sense – I’m looking at you, Dishy Rishi – the use of Failing Grayling for the oft-sacked Chris is entirely deserved.
When he was Justice Secretary, Grayling banned prisoners from receiving books from visitors, limiting their access to those already owned by the prison. He also privatised the probation service, costing the country at least £170 million when it had to be renationalised after catastrophic problems, such as escapes and a huge rise in reoffending. As Transport Secretary, he changed the railway timetables to such devastating effect that thousands of services were cancelled and thousands more ran late. And of course, never forget the ferry company awarded a $14 million contract for post-Brexit services, which had no ferries and hadn’t had to go through the tendering process, leading to Eurotunnel successfully suing for a further £33 million.
By no means an exhaustive list.
After a period of relative quiet, he’s suddenly in view, like that blob of sour milk that alerts you to the fact that your tea has been rendered undrinkable.
Boris Johnson nominates Chris Grayling to chair key security committee overseeing Russia report https://t.co/qAlpDEjh4C — The Independent (@Independent) July 9, 2020
Twitter had a few things to say on the matter – and these were our favourites.
1.
The good thing about Chris Grayling being head of the Intelligence committee is that a man who paid £14m to a ferry company with no ferries is likely to publish the Russia Report by mistake instead of covering it up. https://t.co/riAnFA9t3q — David Schneider (@davidschneider) July 9, 2020
2.
Chris Grayling is the perfect person to handle the release of the Russia report. As long as he performs as well as he has in his career to date, the report has zero chance of ever seeing the light of day. https://t.co/vpEecbLKs5 — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) July 9, 2020
3.
4.
yeah, sure, why the fuck not. *screams into the void* https://t.co/gNrN6Qd0et — Sarah Phelps (@PhelpsieSarah) July 9, 2020
5.
3 seconds later – Chris Grayling has accidentally burned, shredded and lost the report having given it and £50m to a man running a pigeon hire service. The investigation is now considered closed. https://t.co/XYCQlkHEEO — HappyToast ★ (@IamHappyToast) July 9, 2020
6.
If cancel culture wants to immediately get everybody onside, it should get cracking with Chris Grayling. https://t.co/vYsuyhiURV — The Secret Barrister (@BarristerSecret) July 9, 2020
7.
The Kremlin must be quaking in their boots. https://t.co/uM1TofPLuR — John Sweeney (@johnsweeneyroar) July 9, 2020
8.
Within days of him taking over, the UK’s counterintelligence capability will be outsourced to a cardboard packaging firm on an industrial estate outside Droitwich. https://t.co/7si4719Ai2 — Davey Six-Toes (@HutchinsonDave) July 9, 2020
9.
Chris Grayling – renowned for a string of ineptitude policy decisions – set to become chair of Intelligence and Security Committee. His first challenge? To decide if to release the long waited report into alleged Russian interference in UK politics. That’s it. That’s the tweet. — Dr. Jennifer Cassidy (@OxfordDiplomat) July 9, 2020
10.
*This* is where he shines. Finally, decisively. *This* is his Battle of Britain, his Jules Rimet moment, his Boom Bang-a-Bang at Eurovision, his Agincourt. God speed, Chris Grayling, we're all rooting for you – shine on you crazy diamond. https://t.co/N0fjn1xclj — Simon Blackwell (@simonblackwell) July 9, 2020
11.
No offence, but the man is thicker than a boxing day turd. https://t.co/hihjV57mhf — Mark ne-Francois-pas MP (@MarkFrancois12) July 9, 2020
Simon Ryan had a prediction.
The report is going to be a printed copy of the Wikipedia page on Prussia, just you wait. — Simon (@simon_ryan) July 9, 2020
It still wouldn’t be the stupidest thing he’s done.
In summary …
Chris Grayling is more punchline than politician. — James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) July 9, 2020
READ MORE
This newspaper profile of Chris Grayling is brutal but the correction is the most devastating bit
Source The Independent Image Screengrab Screengrab


thepoke--2020-07-09--This reporter crossing the Place de la Concorde without looking is simply terrifying

Can we look yet ?
‘ I remember going there as a child in 1985 and being amazed at the @ @ @ @ @ without any rules , horns sounding , cars leaving next to no space between each @ @ @ @ @ trying to cross the road after 20 minutes and went to the the louvre instead @ @ @ @ @ ’ mcRibalicious ‘ Avoid eye contact as they ’ ll interpret that as a challenge @ @ @ @ @ fear , they can smell it .
If possible cross the road in centre of @ @ @ @ @ the outside will absorb the impact.
’ NoWingedHussarsToday

Most terrifying horror film you’ll watch today.
Can we look yet?
‘I remember going there as a child in 1985 and being amazed at the number of cars seemingly driving without any rules, horns sounding, cars leaving next to no space between each other. We gave up trying to cross the road after 20 minutes and went to the the louvre instead. My relief was immeasurable.’ mcRibalicious
‘Avoid eye contact as they’ll interpret that as a challenge. Don’t show fear, they can smell it. If possible cross the road in centre of larger group so people on the outside will absorb the impact.’ NoWingedHussarsToday


thepoke--2020-07-09--Comeback of the day

Comeback of the day

‘ These types of people make my blood boil , ’ says OnlyChildrenWillWeep over on Reddit .
Mexicans want to @ @ @ @ @ US because of Covid-19 and this is the only response you need

Twitter
‘These types of people make my blood boil,’ says OnlyChildrenWillWeep over on Reddit.
READ MORE
Mexicans want to close the border with the US because of Covid-19 and this is the only response you need
Source Reddit u/OnlyChildrenWillWeep


‘Well, that’s embarrassing’

‘ Well , that ’ s embarrassing , ’ said mustyporkchops who shared this Twitter exchange on Twitter .
It @ @ @ @ @ St Louis waving their guns around at protestors and , well , have a read @ @ @

Twitter
‘Well, that’s embarrassing,’ said mustyporkchops who shared this Twitter exchange on Twitter.
It’s that couple in St Louis waving their guns around at protestors and, well, have a read for yourself.
Boom. Not literally, thank goodness.
READ MORE
‘Name this band. Wrong answers only’ – our 13 favourite suggestions
Source Reddit u/mustyporkchops


thepoke--2020-07-09--Someone compared Donald Trump to Michael Myers and everyone made the same joke

It all started when someone compared this picture of Donald Trump to Michael Myers from Halloween .
Here ’ s @ @ @ @ @ say .
And everyone – well , lots of people – made the same joke @ @ @ @ @ was too .
Well , you get the idea .
Simply 17 funny and entirely @ @ @ @ @ looks like

Pics
It all started when someone compared this picture of Donald Trump to Michael Myers from Halloween.
Here’s what @RealMMyers78 had to say.
Don’t disrespect me like this. https://t.co/pMd9gSmSuz — Michael Myers (@RealMMyers78) July 6, 2020
And everyone – well, lots of people – made the same joke. And jolly good it was too.
One guy is killing as many people as he can and the other guy is Michael Myers. — Cleetus Van Damme (@cleetus_vandamm) July 6, 2020
Michael only kills once a year in Haddonfield. Trump has been killing people daily since 2016. And Michael has the decency to wear as mask. pic.twitter.com/ShozeHl6MG — ANA!!! (@wayward_island) July 7, 2020
True story. You haven’t killed nearly as many people. — 🌈Self4BlackLivesMatter✊🏻 (@Self4SelfCare) July 6, 2020
Comparing these two is like apples to oranges. One is a crazy psycho who doesn't have sympathy for anyone, and one is Michael Myers. — Helga #BlackLivesMatter 😷 (@HelgagaPataki) July 6, 2020
One has no sympathy for innocent lives, and the other is Michael — angeredAquarius (@adreine00) July 6, 2020
At least you take pride in your kills and never deny responsibility. Thanks for having integrity, Michael. — Zach 🐼 (@Pando_The_Panda) July 6, 2020
Well, you get the idea.
READ MORE
Simply 17 funny and entirely accurate things that Donald Trump looks like
Source @iamthekillerxvx @RealMMyers78


thepoke--2020-07-09--This tale of an attempted bank scam is a handy reminder for us all

Over on Twitter BBC journalist Neil Henderson shared this story of what happened to a friend in the hope it @ @ @ @ @ it .
And it ’ s a very handy reminder for us all .
Here @ @ @ @ @ @ hendopolis on Twitter ) had to say .
‘ The bank scammers are incredibly @ @ @ @ @ thousands off one of my friends earlier today , so do read this account she @ @ @ @ @ on.
’ And just a few of the things people said about it .
This @ @ @ @ @ the scammer at their own game and it ’ s a very satisfying read

Popular
Over on Twitter BBC journalist Neil Henderson shared this story of what happened to a friend in the hope it would stop people falling for it. And it’s a very handy reminder for us all.
Here’s what Neil (@hendopolis on Twitter) had to say.
‘The bank scammers are incredibly smart. They nearly took thousands off one of my friends earlier today, so do read this account she wrote, and pass it on.’
And just a few of the things people said about it.
After reading this I emailed my old Mum and she has had two of these calls today — Miranda Green (@greenmiranda) July 8, 2020
This happened to me, exactly like this, only i fell for it. According to the fraud team at RBS, this is now the most common crime in the country. — Ian Davis (@IanD__123) July 8, 2020
No bank will EVER ask for PIN details on the phone – so that's got to be a red flag. Important to share these stories as so many people are taken in by the ever more plausible and 'pro' scam artists. — Michael (@Im_Partial) July 8, 2020
I hate the way they prey on the elderly. I was with my 88yr old hard of hearing father who had a call from some scammer pretending to be his bank.. thankfully on speaker so I heard and did sound convincing.. he listened, looked at me, I shook my head, he said pi$$ off an hung up! — Mark Stapley (@Marksmedown) July 8, 2020
READ MORE
This scam ‘victim’ played the scammer at their own game and it’s a very satisfying read
Source @hendopolis Image Pixabay


thepoke--2020-07-09--Donald Trump tweeted about testing for the ‘1/100th time’ – 9 favourite takedowns

Donald Trump ’ s been back on Twitter – no surprise there , obviously – but even for the so-called @ @ @ @ @ worthy of special attention .
And these are our 9 favourite things people said about @ @ @ @ @ and entirely accurate things that Donald Trump looks like

Twitter
Donald Trump’s been back on Twitter – no surprise there, obviously – but even for the so-called president, this effort is worthy of special attention.
And these are our 9 favourite things people said about it.
1.
bro, no matter how many times you say this, it’s still going to be wrong — Jeff Tiedrich (@itsJeffTiedrich) July 9, 2020
2.
What the hell does 1/100th time mean? — Mrs. Krassenstein (@HKrassenstein) July 9, 2020
3.
You are eleventy million percent bad at math. — The Hoarse Whisperer (@HoarseWisperer) July 9, 2020
4.
Can we amend the Constitution to require that, in addition to having attained the age of thirty-five years, presidents be able to understand fractions? https://t.co/NEgby0CmZq — George Conway (@gtconway3d) July 9, 2020
5.
For the “1/100th time,” the reason why we show so many cases is because of the reopening. Doing more tests does bring in more positive test results. But the rising case numbers come with a rising percent positive rate too. The percentage of tests coming back positive is rising. — Eugene Gu, MD (@eugenegu) July 9, 2020
6.
Not only is the president lying, he appears to not know how fractions work. https://t.co/9HmNEhrvPX — Robert Maguire (@RobertMaguire_) July 9, 2020
7.
Even a broken clock is right 1/100th of the time. https://t.co/46SPrNlUHq — The Lincoln Project (@ProjectLincoln) July 9, 2020
8.
A very stable genius would understand fractions. https://t.co/EJr1O3cmmU — David Corn (@DavidCornDC) July 9, 2020
9.
The idiocy of this tweet is truly a marvel to behold https://t.co/SNVVknv9lR — Michael Cohen (@speechboy71) July 9, 2020
To conclude …
it’s not “1/100th,” Einstein — Jeff Tiedrich (@itsJeffTiedrich) July 9, 2020
INSULT TO EINSTEIN — SARP👺 (@Justin12393LEE) July 9, 2020
And this.
US has 4% of the world’s population, yet 25% of the world’s Covid dead. https://t.co/QlkkmNDC1E — Armando Iannucci (@Aiannucci) July 9, 2020
READ MORE
Simply 17 funny and entirely accurate things that Donald Trump looks like
Source @realDonaldTrump


thepoke--2020-07-09--Simply 17 funny and entirely accurate things that Donald Trump looks like

We asked you what Donald Trump looks like … Here are our favourite responses , along with some other winning @ @ @ @ @ with the great @ JimMFelton .

Pics
We asked you what Donald Trump looks like …
Tell us what Donald Trump looks like here and we’ll round up the best #pokechallenge pic.twitter.com/6dH77eAzK0 — The Poke (@ThePoke) July 8, 2020
… and you didn’t disappoint.
Here are our favourite responses, along with some other winning lookalikes from Twitter, beginning with the great @JimMFelton.
1.
He looks like if coronavirus got coronavirus pic.twitter.com/oqadZhFvrl — James Felton (@JimMFelton) July 4, 2020
2.
3.
4.
5.
Like somebody formed a testicle out of sneezes and Red Leicester, then rolled it over a dog’s blanket a few hundred times. — Jason (@NickMotown) July 8, 2020
6.
Jaffa the Hutt — Erica Buist (@ericabuist) July 8, 2020
7.
Sausage meat being pulled out of the vacuum cleaner — Lockdown Cock (@Cockleonius) July 8, 2020
8.
9.


thepoke--2020-07-09--14 of the funniest takes on living through a pandemic

The Chancellor ’ s mini budget has offered people the incentive of an up-to-£10 voucher off food for everybody on Mondays to Wednesdays throughout August , offset only by the possibility of catching Covid-19 as you eat your sausage toast – other snacks are available .
The quandary of whether to go out is just one of many pandemic topics keeping Twitter gripped .
1 .
The irony of this crash 2 .
There are some things we really miss 3 .
If someone gives you advice , ask what ’ s in it for them 4 .
We hope @ @ @ @ @ @ @ swab/strong > Well , it ’ s nice to know I have options .
pic.twitter.com/hfTQ4uR18Z 5 .
The next generation of comedians is going to be brutal Just overheard my kid tell a buddy that his joke “ was so bad every old person in the world got Covid from it.
” This really is bullshit .
What kind of child is my Xbox raising ?
!
6 .
The virus is separating the wheat from the chaff and whatever is smaller than chaff .
Chaffette ?
Three types of people in this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ put on a face mask or practice social distancing under any circumstance .
CONSCIOUS : Wears face mask and practices social distancing in situations requiring it .
UMMMokayyy : Wears face mask while alone in a car .
7 .
Anti-maskers aren ’ t doing anybody any favours Over 25 years and I finally understand what Kurt Cobain meant by 'stupid and contagious ' .

Pics
The Chancellor’s mini budget has offered people the incentive of an up-to-£10 voucher off food for everybody on Mondays to Wednesdays throughout August, offset only by the possibility of catching Covid-19 as you eat your sausage toast – other snacks are available.
The quandary of whether to go out is just one of many pandemic topics keeping Twitter gripped.
1. The irony of this crash
2. There are some things we really miss
3. If someone gives you advice, ask what’s in it for them
Important daily covid test pic.twitter.com/fDxzjfsgD0 — Latin Leo (@RealLatinLeo) July 8, 2020
4. We hope they don’t lose the cotton swab/strong>
Well, it’s nice to know I have options. pic.twitter.com/hfTQ4uR18Z — Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) July 8, 2020
5. The next generation of comedians is going to be brutal
Just overheard my kid tell a buddy that his joke “was so bad every old person in the world got Covid from it.” This really is bullshit. What kind of child is my Xbox raising?! — Swim Jeans👖 (@ShortSleeveSuit) July 7, 2020
6. The virus is separating the wheat from the chaff and whatever is smaller than chaff. Chaffette?
Three types of people in this pandemic: DEFIANT: Won’t put on a face mask or practice social distancing under any circumstance. CONSCIOUS: Wears face mask and practices social distancing in situations requiring it. UMMMokayyy: Wears face mask while alone in a car. — Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 8, 2020
7. Anti-maskers aren’t doing anybody any favours


thepoke--2020-07-09--If this man refusing to wash his hands has you shaking your head, wait until you read the replies

As we get to grips with everyday life in the pandemic , we ’ re having to get used to @ @ @ @ @ .
Like wearing a mask , washing our hands more than we used to , @ @ @ @ @ , that kind of thing .
Not everyone ’ s happy about it though , @ @ @ @ @ not happy .
So much so that he went home instead .
And if that @ @ @ @ @ your head , wait until you read the replies .
And there was more – @ @ @ @ @ came from .
Some people offered an alternative view but it ’ s fair to @ @ @ @ @ go down too well .
Oh yes , of course .
Had forgotten about that @ @ @ @ @ is like a tinfoil hatter ’ s greatest hits

Twitter
As we get to grips with everyday life in the pandemic, we’re having to get used to doing things a bit differently. Like wearing a mask, washing our hands more than we used to, and sharing our contact details, that kind of thing.
Not everyone’s happy about it though, and this man was really not happy. So much so that he went home instead.
And if that’s got you shaking your head, wait until you read the replies.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
And there was more – lots more – where they came from.
Some people offered an alternative view but it’s fair to say it didn’t go down too well.
Oh yes, of course. Had forgotten about that.
READ MORE
This coronavirus conspiracy theory is like a tinfoil hatter’s greatest hits
H/T @PickardJE Image Pixabay


thepoke--2020-07-09--Mexicans want to close the border with the US because of Covid-19 and this is the only response you

Mexicans want to close the border with the US because of Covid-19 and this is the only response you need

Mexico wants Americans to stop crossing the border because of fears they will bring the coronavirus with them after a @ @ @ @ @ of cases in neighbouring Arizona .
Towns in northern Mexico are pleading to restrict cross-border @ @ @ @ @ travellers bringing in Covid-19 from the US .
And there was no shortage of responses @ @ @ @ @ best response was surely this one .
This lip-synch of Trump ’ s Lone Ranger @ @ @ @ @ horribly accurate

Twitter
Mexico wants Americans to stop crossing the border because of fears they will bring the coronavirus with them after a big increase in the number of cases in neighbouring Arizona.
Towns in northern Mexico are pleading to restrict cross-border movement to stop tourists and travellers bringing in Covid-19 from the US.
And there was no shortage of responses on Twitter.
https://twitter.com/MollyJongFast/status/1280926435104956416?s=20
Weird way to finally get Mexico to pay for the wall pic.twitter.com/8TUeSbf54x — Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) July 2, 2020
Mexico closed its border with the US citing fear that Americans would bring disease. Pretty soon they’ll build their own wall and make us pay for it. — Dr. John Biggan (@Biggan4Congress) July 4, 2020
But the best response was surely this one.
I think we should call this wall the Irony Curtain. https://t.co/LhGlFf2RCZ — David Quantick (@quantick) July 9, 2020
READ MORE
This lip-synch of Trump’s Lone Ranger comment is both hilarious and horribly accurate
Image screengrabs


thepoke--2020-07-09--Another Canterbury Cathedral cat has stolen the show – and the milk – during a live broadcast

You may remember back in May , when a lot more of us were trapped indoors and desperately seeking entertainment @ @ @ @ @ captivated by this clip of Leo the cat in the grounds of Canterbury Cathedral .
@ @ @ @ @ was there too , but we were only interested in his cassock .
Well , @ @ @ @ @ that the Canterbury Cathedral cats have been at it again .
The Very Reverend Dr @ @ @ @ @ to these antics as he just lets Tiger get on with it , as he @ @ @ @ @ Lockdown may not be an issue now , but the newest Canterbury Cathedral cat celebrity @ @ @ @ @ Leo .
Tiger may have some penance to do .
But only if she ’ @ @ @ @ @ cat ’ s seamless disappearing trick is the content we all need right now

Videos
You may remember back in May, when a lot more of us were trapped indoors and desperately seeking entertainment, that we were all captivated by this clip of Leo the cat in the grounds of Canterbury Cathedral.
Watch the moment Leo the cat disappears under the Dean of Canterbury's robes as he gives a sermon! Footage from Canterbury Cathedral pic.twitter.com/CMk6Jmlz20 — ITV News Meridian (@itvmeridian) May 26, 2020
Oh, and the Dean was there too, but we were only interested in his cassock.
Well, we are happy to report that the Canterbury Cathedral cats have been at it again.
I can’t stop watching this and laughing – the cat looks so delighted. pic.twitter.com/N8PlqZeGTx — Zoe Margolis (@girlonetrack) July 8, 2020
The Very Reverend Dr Robert Willis is obviously used to these antics as he just lets Tiger get on with it, as he continues his online sermon.
Lockdown may not be an issue now, but the newest Canterbury Cathedral cat celebrity was just as popular as Leo.
This is a different cat to Leo The Cassock Portal Cat, btw. ALL the Cathedral cats are naughty. https://t.co/WOTm24Yyof — Gee Aitch Cee (@Scriblit) July 6, 2020
Cats will do whatever they want. Always. https://t.co/l4zfpVReeB — HelenKay Dimon / Darby Kane (@helenkaydimon) July 8, 2020
Tiger may have some penance to do.
Obviously Tiger has forgotten the 8th Commandment "Thou shall not steal!" 😹https://t.co/FQoQslJVus — David Gibson 🌊 #Covid19Kindness #BlackLivesMatter (@Uniquepoems4u) July 7, 2020
But only if she’s a …cat-lick.
READ MORE
This cat’s seamless disappearing trick is the content we all need right now
Source ITV News Meridian Image Screengrab


thepoke--2020-07-09--Munya Chawawa rinsing Nigel Farage at the pub is the comedy content we all need

You probably know that Nigel Farage managed to be first into the pub on Saturday , when restrictions were partially @ @ @ @ @ know that there was uproar because he was definitely still within the mandatory quarantine period @ @ @ @ @ .
What none of us really knew , however , was how his arrival might @ @ @ @ @ landlord , if that landlord had been brilliant comedian Munya Chawawa .
Well , now @ @ @ @ @ we send the petition ?
As a bonus , let ’ s have another look @ @ @ @ @ with ” Katie Hopkins .
Tommy Robinson ’ s own words used against him ( @ @ @ @ @ sketch

Pics
You probably know that Nigel Farage managed to be first into the pub on Saturday, when restrictions were partially lifted.
You may also know that there was uproar because he was definitely still within the mandatory quarantine period after returning from the US.
What none of us really knew, however, was how his arrival might have gone down with the landlord, if that landlord had been brilliant comedian Munya Chawawa.
Well, now we do …
So Nigel Farage tried to come to my pub today…🍺🥴 pic.twitter.com/42o9ziQMHS — Munya Chawawa (@munyachawawa) July 5, 2020
Slick, as always.
Here’s how Twitter reacted.
Another masterpiece from Munya Chawawa 😂😂 https://t.co/8tIlRPSLSj — Samira Sawlani (@samirasawlani) July 5, 2020
TV blogger Elliot Gonzalez had this excellent suggestion.
🤣🤣🤣 When this is all over, can someone please make sure that @munyachawawa gets his own TV show. But crucially, let HIM have creative control. https://t.co/cv0iSYQAXG — Elliot Gonzalez (@elliot_gonzalez) July 6, 2020
Where do we send the petition?
As a bonus, let’s have another look at how he “dealt with” Katie Hopkins.
READ MORE
Tommy Robinson’s own words used against him (again) in this hilarious sketch
Source Munya Chawawa Image Munya Chawawa


thepoke--2020-07-11--Donald Trump being beaten up by his umbrella is time very well spent

Donald Trump ’ s had the occasional problem with umbrellas in the past , as you may remember .
And @ @ @ @ @ .
He really didn ’ t want the wind messing with his hair and if @ @ @ @ @ , really didn ’ t want the press to see it .
But the whole @ @ @ @ @ .
Let ’ s look at that particular moment again .
And just some of @ @ @ @ @ it .
And just in case you haven ’ t seen this before ( and @ @ @ @ @ it all over again ) .
What Donald Trump does with this umbrella tells you @ @ @ @ @

Videos
Donald Trump’s had the occasional problem with umbrellas in the past, as you may remember.
And this time was no exception. He really didn’t want the wind messing with his hair and if it did, he really, really didn’t want the press to see it.
But the whole thing proved far from straightforward.
WATCH: President Trump arrives in Fort Lauderdale, FL. pic.twitter.com/zPiqNsTVUt — The Hill (@thehill) July 10, 2020
Let’s look at that particular moment again.
And just some of the things people said about it.
Notice how the umbrella pummels him a few times at the bottom of the stairs. Thanks, wind. And thanks, umbrella. https://t.co/wzhejoBJ56 — Bob Cesca (@bobcesca_go) July 10, 2020
Trump gets TKO’d here by the umbrella, which remains undefeated against him https://t.co/eq1xyAdPV4 — Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) July 10, 2020
The umbrella is Antifa. — The Lincoln Project (@ProjectLincoln) July 10, 2020
trump's struggles against inanimate objects like glass of water, ramp, and umbrellas continues. You love to see how this umbrella repeatedly smacks the shit out of him. pic.twitter.com/7hYf4UifN5 — BrooklynDad_Defiant! (@mmpadellan) July 10, 2020
AGAIN with the umbrella! It’s his nemesis! — Yemps (@GaryGrahamII) July 10, 2020
https://twitter.com/MollyJongFast/status/1281726621196718085?s=20
And just in case you haven’t seen this before (and if you have, enjoy it all over again).
To conclude …
THAT UMBRELLA HATES HIM pic.twitter.com/jlvgeA2IVp — Charles Johnson (@Green_Footballs) July 10, 2020
READ MORE
What Donald Trump does with this umbrella tells you all you need to know
Source @thehill


thepoke--2020-07-11--Robert de Niro will be ‘lucky to make $7.5m this year’ and everyone made the same joke

Robert de Niro ’ s waiting .
Specifically , he ’ s waiting to find out if he ’ s @ @ @ @ @ this year after his finances were apparently hit by the coronavirus and his lawyers had @ @ @ @ @ .
‘ Actor has reportedly taken a financial hit due to the coronavirus pandemic , @ @ @ @ @ for a raise on her credit card limit , ’ reported the Independent .
And @ @ @ @ @ everyone – made the same joke .
Robert De Niro had a particularly NSFW message @ @ @ @ @ he uses about Trump

Twitter
Robert de Niro’s waiting. Specifically, he’s waiting to find out if he’s going to make $7.5m this year after his finances were apparently hit by the coronavirus and his lawyers had this to say about it.
Robert De Niro 'will be lucky if he makes $7.5 million this year', lawyers say https://t.co/PWVtFOtI5p — The Independent (@Independent) July 10, 2020
‘Actor has reportedly taken a financial hit due to the coronavirus pandemic, as his estranged wife asks for a raise on her credit card limit,’ reported the Independent.
And everyone – well, nearly everyone – made the same joke.
I too will be lucky if I make $7.5 million this year https://t.co/VWy6WeMdno — broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) July 10, 2020
omg girl SAME https://t.co/kSLw2azfdt — Niccole Thurman (@niccolethurman) July 10, 2020
This is true of everyone on the planet — James Felton (@JimMFelton) July 10, 2020
Celebrities are just like us! https://t.co/gznHNeGAk6 — Sophia (Gladiator) Narwitz (@SophNar0747) July 10, 2020
I'd be even more lucky to make $7.5 million this year — ハンナ Maollennial ⚢⚧ (@tasmosunt) July 10, 2020
To conclude.
If Robert De Niro doesn’t make $7.5 million this year, I’m gonna fucking kill myself https://t.co/7ZwVSeORLp — Carey O'Donnell (@ecareyo) July 10, 2020
READ MORE
Robert De Niro had a particularly NSFW message to critics of the language he uses about Trump
Source @Independent Image YouTube


thepoke--2020-07-10--This teacher trying to say farewell to her class is utterly lovely

Schools are close to breaking up for the summer holidays but it ’ s an end of year like no @ @ @ @ @ homeschooling and teachers away from their class for the best part of half the school @ @ @ @ @ s homeschooling , but for those that are , their contact with teachers has been @ @ @ @ @ video messages .
And here ’ s one teacher – Mrs Regan – trying to @ @ @ @ @ her pupils and it ’ s funny , lovely , and speaks volumes .
And @ @ @ @ @ the things people were saying about it .
And a final word from @ Jarlath @ @ @ @ @ Twitter .

Videos
Schools are close to breaking up for the summer holidays but it’s an end of year like no other, with many pupils homeschooling and teachers away from their class for the best part of half the school year.
Not everyone’s homeschooling, but for those that are, their contact with teachers has been restricted to phone calls and video messages. And here’s one teacher – Mrs Regan – trying to record a farewell message for her class and it’s funny, lovely, and speaks volumes.
Mrs Regan is a nursery school teacher who has been shielding since March. Helping her make a video to say goodbye to the children she misses so much was both the saddest and funniest thing I’ve ever been part of. #homeschooling pic.twitter.com/ImsStujfOk — Jarlath Regan (@Jarlath) July 9, 2020
And here are just some of the things people were saying about it.
Oh stop 😭😭😭 — Amy Huberman (@amyhuberman) July 9, 2020
I know right. I can’t actually watch it again. I’ve no tears left. 😂😭😢 — Jarlath Regan (@Jarlath) July 9, 2020
I mean I wish she was my teacher — Lisa McGee (@LisaMMcGee) July 9, 2020
She cries every time she watches this video😂😂 — Jarlath Regan (@Jarlath) July 9, 2020
Jarlath this like these funniest thing I ever seen. I've watched it 3 times and "it's time to say goodbye" while crying is my fave. — Fern Brady (@FernBrady) July 9, 2020
And a final word from @Jarlath who shared the video on Twitter.
https://twitter.com/Jarlath/status/1281509475703234560?s=20
Source @Jarlath


thepoke--2020-07-10--These are all cakes and people can’t quite get their heads rounds it

These are all cakes but they look so much like something else people can ’ t quite get their heads @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s got more than 1 million views .
Not everyone was impressed though @ @ @ @ @ taste like ?

Videos
These are all cakes but they look so much like something else people can’t quite get their heads round it.
These Are All Cakes pic.twitter.com/ejArkJHaid — Tasty (@tasty) July 8, 2020
No wonder it’s got more than 1 million views.
This is why I have trust issues… — Victor 🌕 (@Xyoss7) July 8, 2020
Not everyone was impressed though.
Cakes? Well, fondant sculptures with cake inside. — xMarks (@xMarks96091955) July 8, 2020
And what do they taste like?
Amazing creations but the actual cake inside looks revolting — Katkin (@katkin2) July 8, 2020
Impressive as they are, they’re not quite as mind-bending (horrific) as this one.
Amazing, but nothing will ever beat this one pic.twitter.com/BRE2T0r2kD — arlo (@ArloNC) July 8, 2020
READ MORE
There’s something truly delightful about this dog’s reaction to a magic trick
Source Twitter @tasty


thepoke--2020-07-10--This shop’s message for people who refuse to wear a mask might not be bettered

There ’ s been no shortage of memorable shop signs reminding customers of the importance of wearing masks .
But @ @ @ @ @ better one than this .
It was shared on Twitter by @ AlZeidenfeld who said @ @ @ @ @ is good.
’ ‘ Much like the pandemic , this vintage store warning sign escalated @ @

Pics
There’s been no shortage of memorable shop signs reminding customers of the importance of wearing masks.
But you might not read a better one than this. It was shared on Twitter by @AlZeidenfeld who said: ‘DAMN, this is good.’
And he’s not wrong.
No more words required.
READ MORE
‘Much like the pandemic, this vintage store warning sign escalated quickly’
Source @AlZeidenfeld


thepoke--2020-07-10--This TV shoot gone hilariously wrong is 2020 in a nutshell

We ’ re grateful to @ JessDuff_y for sharing this clip of ‘ 2020 in a nutshell ’ on Twitter @ @ @ @ @ a lot of people ’ s days better .
Staged or not – it was @ @ @ @ @ us smile .
Turns out it ’ s a 2009 advert for Wimpy in South @ @ @ @ @ guy , we didn ’ t see that coming .
There ’ s something truly @ @ @ @ @ s reaction to a magic trick

Pics
We’re grateful to @JessDuff_y for sharing this clip of ‘2020 in a nutshell’ on Twitter because it’s making a lot of people’s days better.
A fellow producer just sent me this and I've been crying for at least 5 minutes: pic.twitter.com/gCI5qppwRp — Jess Duffy (@JessDuff_y) July 9, 2020
Staged or not – it was staged – it still made us smile.
hahahahAAAAAAAGH HAHAHAHA- OH GOD I NEEDED THIS https://t.co/PDAJthx3ML — Jenny Eclair (@jennyeclair) July 10, 2020
Turns out it’s a 2009 advert for Wimpy in South Africa. Like the boom guy, we didn’t see that coming.
For the curious, this is a 2009 advert for Wimpy.https://t.co/6q85aVUtvm — Edinburgh Fortean Society (@EdinFortSoc) July 10, 2020
READ MORE
There’s something truly delightful about this dog’s reaction to a magic trick
Source @JessDuff_y H/T @jennyeclair


thepoke--2020-07-10--The White House tweeted this Donald Trump quote about going to Mars – only 5 responses you need

When Donald Trump isn ’ t making a fool of himself on Twitter – the man ’ s got to @ @ @ @ @ Twitter account does it for him .
We only say this after @ WhiteHouse took @ @ @ @ @ Trump quote about going to Mars .
And the takedowns came thick and fast .
@ @ @ @ @ responses you need .
But credit where credit is due .
Simply the perfect takedown @ @ @ @ @ criticised Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for blowing bubbles

Twitter
When Donald Trump isn’t making a fool of himself on Twitter – the man’s got to sleep – the White House Twitter account does it for him.
We only say this after @WhiteHouse took upon itself to tweet this Trump quote about going to Mars.
"Americans harnessed electricity, split the atom, and gave the world the telephone and the internet. We settled the Wild West, won two World Wars, landed American Astronauts on the Moon—and one day soon, we will plant our flag on Mars!" — President @realDonaldTrump — The White House (@WhiteHouse) July 6, 2020
And the takedowns came thick and fast. These are the only 5 responses you need.
Atom was split by Earnest Rutherford from NZ. Phone was invented by Alexander Graham Bell from Scotland. World War l and II – group effort but US were there for some of it. Internet – not as good as we thought it was going to be. https://t.co/GOW3YvVlBV — Jemaine Clement (@AJemaineClement) July 7, 2020
Actually almost totally incorrect….. — GuntherBett #FPPE 🐟🐟 (@BettGunther) July 7, 2020
Rutherford (Kiwi) split the atom, Bell (Scot) invented the telephone, Berners-Lee (Brit) invented the WWW, ‘settling’ the Wild West=murdering the Native Americans, the 2 WWs not all yr own work. Otherwise you’re good to go. https://t.co/p6i4IwUdma — Stephen Mangan (@StephenMangan) July 7, 2020
Actually fucking offensive. Talk to the Allies about the world wars. Fuck the fuck off, intern. — Michael Marshall Smith (@ememess) July 6, 2020
Lolz.
Atom – Rutherford, a New Zealander.
Internet – Tim Berners-Lee, an Englishman.
Telephone – Alexander Graham Bell, a Scotsman. https://t.co/mhgs25R7kR — The Ayrshire Separatist (@mathie_dan) July 7, 2020
But credit where credit is due.
https://twitter.com/TwopTwips/status/1281515468965257216?s=20
To conclude …
Telephone: 🇮🇹 + 🏴
The web: 🏴(On 🇺🇸 ARPANET)
WWI: 🇫🇷 🇬🇧 🇮🇹 🇷🇺 🇯🇵 (🇺🇸 joined late)
WWII: 🇫🇷 🇬🇧 🇷🇺 🇨🇳 (🇺🇸 joined late)
Moon program 🇺🇸 on 🇩🇪 rocket tech
Atom split: 🇳🇿 in 🇬🇧 uni
Electricity (we use AC not DC): 🇷🇸 (harnessing it⚡+🪑:🇺🇸)
Mass murdering indigenous ‘Wild West’: 🇺🇸 https://t.co/ZBXRlZVDIs — Stephen Grant (@stephencgrant) July 10, 2020
READ MORE
Simply the perfect takedown of a Trump fan who criticised Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for blowing bubbles
Source @WhiteHouse
Images Pixabay


thepoke--2020-07-10--Nancy wins facepalm of the day

Nancy wins facepalm of the day

Facepalm of the day comes courtesy of TomatoJamJellyFish who shared this Facebook post on Reddit and , really , it @ @ @ @ @ the genre .
Nancy is against vaccinations .
She is also against facts .
Here @ @ @ @ @ the responses it generated over on Reddit .
‘ Why do flat earthers so vehemently @ @ @ @ @ wilhavereven ‘ Only way for their conspiracy to make sense… well sorta.
’ coolmint859 ‘ @ @ @ @ @ you need to acknowledge gravity exists.
’ MintTrappe ‘ Yes , and how does the @ @ @ @ @ of the globe ?
With that logic , all the water would have been fallen @ @ @ @ @ ‘ Thats why its not a globe !
/s.
’ zerouzer A flat-Earther ( not @ @ @ @ @ proof ” of the conspiracy theory and got murdered by words

Pics
Facepalm of the day comes courtesy of TomatoJamJellyFish who shared this Facebook post on Reddit and, really, it’s a classic of the genre.
Nancy is against vaccinations. She is also against facts.
Here are just a few of the responses it generated over on Reddit.
‘Why do flat earthers so vehemently deny that gravity exists.’ wilhavereven ‘Only way for their conspiracy to make sense… well sorta.’ coolmint859 ‘For water to flow down you need to acknowledge gravity exists.’ MintTrappe ‘Yes, and how does the water stick to the downside of the globe? With that logic, all the water would have been fallen off the earth.’ llauraishere ‘Thats why its not a globe! /s.’ zerouzer
READ MORE
A flat-Earther (not this one) posted “proof” of the conspiracy theory and got murdered by words
Source Reddit u/TomatoJamJellyFish


thepoke--2020-07-10--This cat is all of us in 2020

This cat is all of us in 2020

These are all cakes and people ca n't quite get their heads rounds it

Videos
‘I’ve given up with buying my cat toys,’ says privileeg over on Reddit and it’s relatable, very relatable.
‘They’d play the shit out of the box though.’ NBA_MSG
READ MORE
This cat thinking long and hard about hitting this dog is 36 seconds very well spent
Source Reddit u/privileeg