thepoke--2020-09-07--Simply 13 very funny fashion fails to make your day better

Some of these unfortunate fashion fails probably seemed like a good idea at the time .
Like at the planning stage , for example .
Others were just never a good idea , ever , as highlighted by the good people of BoredPanda ( you can find a whole load more here ) .
And before you ask , we ’ re using the word ‘ fashion ’ in its widest sense … 1 .
‘ My Mother-In-Law Made All The Men In Our Family A Pair Of These Sleep Pants For Christmas ’ 2 .
‘ I Thought She @ @ @ @ @ @ @ On Her Hips ’ 3 .
‘ The good news is my custom facemask arrived , the bad news is that they printed my face 20 % too large ’ 5 .
‘ I Wonder What The Thought Process Here Was ’ 7 .
‘ She either has a tiny body or a very big head ’ 8 .
‘ Well , it ’ s one way of keeping your kids dry in the rain ’ 12 .
‘ Because every woman wants to look like she had a period accident ’ Simply @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have you facepalming into next week

Pics
Some of these unfortunate fashion fails probably seemed like a good idea at the time. Like at the planning stage, for example.
Others were just never a good idea, ever, as highlighted by the good people of BoredPanda (you can find a whole load more here).
And before you ask, we’re using the word ‘fashion’ in its widest sense …
1. ‘My Mother-In-Law Made All The Men In Our Family A Pair Of These Sleep Pants For Christmas’
(via Reddit)
2. ‘I Thought She Was Wearing A Black Dress And Hands On Her Hips’
(via Reddit)
3. ‘The good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large’
(via Twitter)
4. ‘Same energy’
(via Twitter)
5. ‘I Wonder What The Thought Process Here Was’
(via Reddit)
6. ‘Literally Being Held By A Thread’
(via Reddit)
7. ‘Well, it’s one way of keeping your kids dry in the rain’
(via Reddit)
8. ‘My nephews new t-shirt with a newly designed solar system’
(via Reddit)
9. ‘Peo Peo Are Ple Ple’
(via Reddit)
10. ‘It’s the pits’
(via Reddit)
11. ‘She either has a tiny body or a very big head’
(via Twitter)
12. ‘Because every woman wants to look like she had a period accident’
(via Reddit)
13. ‘Cowboy boot trainers’
(via Reddit)
READ MORE
Simply 13 hilariously bad design fails that will have you facepalming into next week
Source BoredPanda


thepoke--2020-09-07--7 favourite responses to this Sunday Times column about the joy of commuting

It ’ s not just the Daily Mail that really wants you to get back to the workplace .
The Sunday Times wants you to get back in the habit of travelling to work as well ( travelling further than the walk from your bedroom to your kitchen table , that is ) .
We know this because they said this .
Well , specifically , a chap called Ian Gately .
Here ’ s a little bit of what he had to say .
The free bit .
‘ It ’ s been nearly six months since we were @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and one of the early silver linings of lockdown was — I think we can all agree — not having to spend a large proportion of every morning and evening with our nose pressed into a stranger ’ s armpit on a packed train or bus .
‘ But , with a half a year to reflect , did we wish our commutes away too readily ?
If you ’ re not back at your desk , isn ’ t a small piece of you missing that daily ride to and from the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the commute is part of who we are — and it serves a useful purpose.
’ And these are the only 7 responses you need .
Richard Littlejohn told everyone to get back to the workplace and the entire internet spoke as one

Twitter
It’s not just the Daily Mail that really wants you to get back to the workplace.
The Sunday Times also wants you back in the habit of travelling to work and we know this because they said this. Well, specifically, a chap called Ian Gately.
For many of us, the commute is part of who we are — and it serves a useful purpose https://t.co/JXwqXLAxNy — The Sunday Times (@thesundaytimes) September 6, 2020
Here’s a little bit of what he had to say. The free bit.
‘It’s been nearly six months since we were first asked to work from home, and one of the early silver linings of lockdown was — I think we can all agree — not having to spend a large proportion of every morning and evening with our nose pressed into a stranger’s armpit on a packed train or bus. ‘But, with a half a year to reflect, did we wish our commutes away too readily? If you’re not back at your desk, isn’t a small piece of you missing that daily ride to and from the office? For many of us, the commute is part of who we are — and it serves a useful purpose.’
And these are the only 7 responses you need.
1.
God I miss paying hundreds of pounds to sit in a luggage rack, sitting there like a fucking rucksack for 18 hours a week is part of who I am. https://t.co/X0BjcDauDq — James Felton (@JimMFelton) September 6, 2020
2.
No. Not even 0.5% of me. pic.twitter.com/RDrh0MVkD2 — Blu Mar Ten (@BluMarTen) September 6, 2020
3.
Notice you used a picture from the distant past to illustrate this preposterous bollocks and not, say, one of the Central Line at 8.00 on a Monday morning. —  Max  (@SpillerOfTea) September 6, 2020
4.
everyone: we want more flexible working and working from home columnists: but what about choo choo train? you love choo choo train!! https://t.co/ClQSTFjMvG — milo edwards (@Milo_Edwards) September 6, 2020
5.
I'd really have to think quite deeply before I could come up with something which is less a part of who I am than my commute. https://t.co/GiGyU8APAZ — Ian Dunt (@IanDunt) September 7, 2020
6.
https://twitter.com/interwarintell/status/1302610790214774785?s=20
7.
Just ask your housemate to stop washing and sit uncomfortably close to him for an hour on the shittest seats in the house? — James Felton (@JimMFelton) September 6, 2020
To conclude …
Take it from a freelancer who commuted for many years: Regaining 60-120 minutes in your day, to spend it how you wish, will change your life for the better in every conceivable way. Don't listen to this bunkum. https://t.co/j2QZn2rngh — Richard Littler (@richard_littler) September 6, 2020
READ MORE
Richard Littlejohn told everyone to get back to the workplace and the entire internet spoke as one
Source @thesundaytimes


thepoke--2020-09-07--Anti-masker Self-own of the Day

Anti-masker Self-own of the Day

The only thing better than seeing an anti-masker get taken down is seeing them take themselves down , like anti-masker @ @ @ @ @ to understand the point they were making .
Let ’ s take another look at @ @ @ @ @

Pics
The only thing better than seeing an anti-masker get taken down is seeing them take themselves down, like anti-masker, Laurie, who failed to understand the point they were making.
Let’s take another look at that, shall we?
via GIPHY
READ MORE
Private Eye shared a 2003 Boris Johnson quote and it’s a delicious self-owngooglesafe
Source u/enenamas Image u/enenamas, blackpoetry on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-09-07--This little baker trying to eat every single ingredient is a funny, lovely watch

This video goes out to anyone who ’ s ever tried to bake a cake , or basically make anything @ @ @ @ @ in the kitchen .
It ’ s very funny and – speaking entirely for ourselves @ @ @ @ @ – entirely relatable .
Not everyone enjoyed it though .

Videos
This video goes out to anyone who’s ever tried to bake a cake, or basically make anything, with a small child in the kitchen.
It’s very funny and – speaking entirely for ourselves but very possibly you too – entirely relatable.
Brilliant.
I’ve seriously been in tears laughing at this for an hour lmaooooo — s*ddest a*gel (@th3saddestangel) September 6, 2020
he reached for EVERY INGREDIENT€]*]>|*|€|*£| — issi (@isabellaacoles) September 6, 2020
If you’ve had a rough time lately – watch this. I dare you not to smile… https://t.co/CnaQ0fOXYk — Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) September 6, 2020
Not everyone enjoyed it though.
why did this make me angry like i don’t have the patience for this at all 😭 — 4 the girls and the [email protected] (@chanelwh3re) September 6, 2020
Just most people.
I feel way better about everything. https://t.co/P1P6nv4VzH — Taika Waititi (@TaikaWaititi) September 7, 2020
READ MORE
A cooking video with improved ingredient names
Source @th3saddestangel H/T @jamieeast


thepoke--2020-09-07--Australian TV just trolled the whole UK over hiring their former PM Tony Abbott

As you ’ ll have seen by now , the government has hired former Australian prime minister Tony Abbott as @ @ @ @ @ that his comments about women , LGBT people and climate change made him unsuitable for @ @ @ @ @ ’ s exactly what Australian TV made of that .
Top trolling !
And entirely @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Tony Abbott is a homophobe and a misogynist ” – 11 blistering takedowns @ @ @ @ @ response

Videos
As you’ll have seen by now, the government has hired former Australian prime minister Tony Abbott as a trade adviser despite complaints that his comments about women, LGBT people and climate change made him unsuitable for the job.
And here’s exactly what Australian TV made of that.
Australian TV on the UK appointing Tony Abbott as a trade advisor. "Beggars can't be choosers." pic.twitter.com/NAVfU9vTWf — Haggis_UK 🇬🇧 🇪🇺 (@Haggis_UK) September 6, 2020
Top trolling! And entirely deserved, you might think.
Poor UK. That must sting. — Marcus Olofzon 🇸🇪 (@olofzonmarcus) September 6, 2020
It’s cool how we’re a massive laughing stock now, that’s always a great position to negotiate from. https://t.co/c0og4KviBi — Jamie Smart (@jamiesmart) September 7, 2020
READ MORE
“Tony Abbott is a homophobe and a misogynist” – 11 blistering takedowns of Matt Hancock’s response
Source @Haggis_UK


thepoke--2020-09-07--Richard Madeley says we’re being duped into thinking Covid-19 is worse than it is – 16 favourite rea

Richard Madeley says we’re being duped into thinking Covid-19 is worse than it is – 16 favourite reactions

It ’ s been quite a time for celebrity Covid-19 experts recently , with these examples deserving a special mention @ @ @ @ @ tweet from Denise Welch that got Richard Madeley trending for most of the weekend , @ @ @ @ @ column .
People were a tad sceptical about Richard Madeley ’ s qualifications to make @ @ @ @ @ any of the other celebrities pushing the same agenda .

Twitter
It’s been quite a time for celebrity Covid-19 experts recently, with these examples deserving a special mention:
Matt Le Tissier is openly laughing at someone who rightly raises concerns about him using the Holocaust to justify his views on COVID. He is a @SouthamptonFC ambassador and the club should remove him from this role if they have any respect pic.twitter.com/1VSXWGJyiK — Toby Westcott-White (@tobyw_w) September 4, 2020
Denise Welch – You don't catch these through close contact you moron. #SadAttentionSeeker pic.twitter.com/3gz9akjAl4 — Britgirl's Hates Brexit #FBPE (@MarieAnnUK) September 6, 2020
But it was another tweet from Denise Welch that got Richard Madeley trending for most of the weekend, due to a week-old Express column.
People were a tad sceptical about Richard Madeley’s qualifications to make such a judgement – or any of the other celebrities pushing the same agenda.
1.
Until Green Garside or Paddy McAloon have had their say on masks, I ain't taking mine off. If you wrote The King of Rock and Roll or The Word Girl, the world deserves to know whether we should wear masks or not. F*** Richard Madeley. — Stan Collymore (@StanCollymore) September 6, 2020
2.
Ian Brown, Richard Madeley and friends. pic.twitter.com/WGpmOcPfQy — Warrington-Runcorn / Dublock (@dublock75) September 5, 2020
3.
Not that I don’t respect Professor Richard Madeley or Doctor Denise Welch… but I won’t believe the danger has passed until Gordon the Gopher calls it. — lifeintheartslane 🕯 (@life_arts_lane) September 6, 2020
4.
It's a tough one, do I go with practically every doctor on the planet or the combined intellectual might of Denise Welch and Richard Madeley.😂 — MidwichCuckoo (@MidwichCuckoo) September 5, 2020
5.
Dear every single healthcare worker & scientist on the planet: Richard Madeley & Denise Welch are on to us! Our worldwide plot to subdue humanity with a fake pandemic is unravelling. Let’s all meet at mine later to hatch our next dastardly plot for domination. MWA HA HA!! -BL — Ben Lovell (@DrBenLovell) September 6, 2020
6.
Richard Madeley is like the Jeykll and Hyde of intelligence. You either get the really bright Madeley, or the really dumb Alan Partridge version who would probably say the world is square rather than round. — Sean the Mondasian Cyberman (@WhoPotterVian) September 5, 2020
7.
Although not a TV watcher personally, I find it telling that not only a Corrie star but even Richard and Judy are weighing in on the need for basic quality control of the information being purveyed to the public. https://t.co/pW36H21NIJ — Tim Hayward (@Tim_Hayward_) August 29, 2020
8.
Oh my life, Richard Madeley’s trending now.
I’m not even going to look… *Doesn’t look* *Doesn’t look* *Looks* Kinell 🙄 — Bryan Elwick (@Elwick70) September 5, 2020
9.


thepoke--2020-09-07--Actor Jon Cryer had the perfect takedown for this Trump loyalist’s petty attack on him

Over the past few days , it has been alleged by several sources that Donald Trump referred to America ’ @ @ @ @ @ losers ” and “ suckers ” , which has lost him the support of many @ @ @ @ @ been kept at the forefront of the news by tweets like these : Congressman Matt @ @ @ @ @ be shortened to MaGa – has been thoroughly supporting the President , earning him a @ @ @ @ @ .
Actor Jon Cryer , explained why he had donated to Gaetz ’ Democratic opponent @ @ @ @ @ .
The politician clapped back with this attempted putdown , rather than denying the accusations @ @ @ @ @ , aren ’ t they ?
It ’ s almost as though Matt Gaetz were @ @ @ @ @ …or a sucker .
Here ’ s how people reacted to the spat .
As @ @ @ @ @ Winning !
” Senator Ted Cruz tried to get actor Ron Perlman to fight a @ @ @ @

Twitter
Over the past few days, it has been alleged by several sources that Donald Trump referred to America’s war dead as “losers” and “suckers”, which has lost him the support of many Republicans.
The allegation has been kept at the forefront of the news by tweets like these:
Saving Private Ryan (1998, Rated R): Even though there's nothing in it for them, a battalion of suckers goes behind enemy lines in WWII to retrieve a guy whose three loser brothers already died. — Craig Mazin (@clmazin) September 6, 2020
The "suckers and losers" comments were just the tip of the iceberg. I can't wait for that iceberg to crash into the trumptanic and sink it. — BrooklynDad_Defiant! (@mmpadellan) September 7, 2020
Congressman Matt Gaetz – whose name can be shortened to MaGa – has been thoroughly supporting the President, earning him a lot of criticism from veterans.
.@MattGaetz, the self-proclaimed #1 ally of Trump, who represents one of the largest military populations in the nation, has done nothing but continue to blindly follow the lies. #WeRespectVets https://t.co/hCg4QudLqQ — Phil Ehr (@PhilEhr) September 4, 2020
Actor Jon Cryer, explained why he had donated to Gaetz’ Democratic opponent in November’s election.
Rep. @mattgaetz invited a white supremacist to the State of the Union, attempted to intimidate a federal witness, and endorsed a sociopathic bigot who applauded the deaths of migrants for congress. I just donated to his opponent @PhilEhr https://t.co/wAVK0CR0nt https://t.co/dXfLMSvqXy — Jon Cryer (@MrJonCryer) September 5, 2020
The politician clapped back with this attempted putdown, rather than denying the accusations.
Charlie Sheen totally carried two and a half men. https://t.co/bNxQ9EegY7 — Matt Gaetz (@mattgaetz) September 6, 2020
Jon’s takedown was the perfect response.
Is that why, after he left, it lasted for 4 more years and I won an Emmy for Best Actor in a Comedy? https://t.co/VTE6g2yjZp — Jon Cryer (@MrJonCryer) September 6, 2020
Facts are just great, aren’t they? It’s almost as though Matt Gaetz were some kind of a loser …or a sucker.
Here’s how people reacted to the spat.
This is the moment when @mattgaetz decided to show that in addition to being a loathsome person, he is also a dreadful television critic. 👎@MrJonCryer for the WIN!!! 👍 https://t.co/WWgOfd9Ne3 — Mark Hamill (@HamillHimself) September 6, 2020
Jon Cryer – 1
Matt Gaetz – 0 Point. Set. Match. https://t.co/2M2LU2xPYh — Joshua Gale (@joshuafett75) September 6, 2020
Mr. Jon Cryer just snatched your wig & hair follicles. pic.twitter.com/PUkbTI1793 — JerriLynn (@Jerri_Lynn25) September 6, 2020
Jon added this clarification.
And FWIW, this wasn’t meant as a slam on Charlie. He was undeniably the star of the show. And a fantastic actor. Despite his issues, we had many more highs than lows. But you can’t say he “carried” a show that lasted four years without him. — Jon Cryer (@MrJonCryer) September 6, 2020
As Charlie might say – “Winning!”
READ MORE
Senator Ted Cruz tried to get actor Ron Perlman to fight a congressman – because 2020
Source Jon Cryer Image Screengrab


thepoke--2020-09-07--15 times the Nextdoor app was a portal for true weirdness

If you ’ re not familiar with the Nextdoor app , imagine a Facebook group dedicated to your neighbourhood , @ @ @ @ @ news or ask questions .
It ’ s a mine of information like this : @ @ @ @ @ the mother lode of weirdness , we thought we ’ d take a deep dive @ @ @ @ @ this is what we found .
1 .
The neighbours have got an interesting wi-fi @

Pics
If you’re not familiar with the Nextdoor app, imagine a Facebook group dedicated to your neighbourhood, where people can instantly share news or ask questions.
It’s a mine of information like this:
For those of you without the Nextdoor app, someone in your neighborhood thinks they maybe saw a fox. — Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 5, 2020
I feel like we could have a whole section of Nextdoor comments just for Halloween. pic.twitter.com/bG4E5wAuMu — Joel Edelman (@JoelsHitShow) September 4, 2020
Contributing to NextDoor pic.twitter.com/9z4lSfmsq1 — Mike Uppity (@jacobchop) September 5, 2020
Because it’s obviously the mother lode of weirdness, we thought we’d take a deep dive into the subreddit r/NextDoor and this is what we found.
1. The neighbours have got an interesting wi-fi name
Via
2. The smoking cat
Via
3. Lost bird
Via
4. There’s a pandemic on, people!
Via
5. Suspicious duck alert
Via
6. Doesn’t ring a bell
Via
7. Wow – so fast
Via
8. That’s one happy dog
Via


thepoke--2020-09-07--Several boats sank at a pro-Trump gala and that’s the only metaphor we need – 11 funny responses

A floating Trump rally on Lake Travis in Austin , Texas , went badly wrong when several boats were overturned @ @ @ @ @ wake from so many larger vessels setting off at once , according to experts .
@ @ @ @ @ there , as he was too busy preparing for the election .
Clearly , there @ @ @ @ @ from the omnishambles , and Twitter was willing and able to do so .
Hats @ @ @ @ @ this apt tip .
This supercut of Donald Trump getting people ’ s names wrong @ @ @ @

Twitter
A floating Trump rally on Lake Travis in Austin, Texas, went badly wrong when several boats were overturned, probably due to the wake from so many larger vessels setting off at once, according to experts.
#BREAKING: Multiple boats are either in distress or have sunk on Lake Travis in Texas during a Trump Boat Parade#DonaldTrump#Dumbkirk #Texas #BoatParade pic.twitter.com/HYPRUVwBDp — Rahul Upadhyay (@rahulrajnews) September 5, 2020
The President wasn’t there, as he was too busy preparing for the election.
Wish I could join you, but totally focused on November 3rd. Thank you! #MAGA pic.twitter.com/bZ31JCgz99 — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 6, 2020
*Coughs* GOLFING!
EARLIER: President Trump went golfing again on Sunday at his Virginia golf club. pic.twitter.com/7R3ij0TqMQ — The Hill (@thehill) September 7, 2020
Clearly, there were conclusions to be drawn from the omnishambles, and Twitter was willing and able to do so.
1.
2.
Trump supporters held a parade and now the boats are sinking. Who the hell is writing the script for 2020 this is so extra. https://t.co/bTANS5ixQy — Keri Blakinger (@keribla) September 5, 2020
3.
The disastrous Trump boat rally mirrors the current state of his campaign.pic.twitter.com/HikM0O5KHf — Jon Cooper 🇺🇸 (@joncoopertweets) September 5, 2020
4.
The Trump boat parade fiasco is funny because the little Trump boats thought they were driving with the big Trump boats and then the big Trump boats crushed them with waves and drove away like always. — feminist next door (@emrazz) September 5, 2020
5.
6.
Let’s take the real irony away from this… These fools representing Trump sunk their own boats. This lake doesn’t have major wakes like this. They literally sunk each other’s boats. And there’s your sign. #LakeTravis #Dumbkirk pic.twitter.com/SuJaH8jEzH — Skyleigh #BidenHarris [email protected]🏠 (@Sky_Lee_1) September 5, 2020
7.
8.
Overheard as Trump’s Armada was sinking at #DumbKirk: “Damn the soup can torpedoes – full speed ahead!” — Christine Pelosi (@sfpelosi) September 5, 2020
9.
Q: What do you call a Trumpster bobbing in Lake Travis after his boat sank? A: Proud Buoy — The True American (@TheTrueAmerica5) September 6, 2020
10.
Lake Travis Sabotage>Bowling Green Massacre — Michael McKean (@MJMcKean) September 6, 2020
11.
I mean, I guess I’m fine with you having a Trump boat I just wish you wouldn’t shove it down my lake. — Chasten Buttigieg (@Chasten) September 6, 2020
Hats off to @very_actually for this apt tip.
Next time they should boat by mail#Dumbkirk — Not very complicated. (@very_actually) September 5, 2020
READ MORE
This supercut of Donald Trump getting people’s names wrong is quite the watch
Source Rahul Upadhyay Image Screengrab h/t Bob Daemmrich


thepoke--2020-09-07--Matt Hancock issued a warning about a spike in UK coronavirus cases – 9 sick burns

The number of positive results of coronavirus tests has been growing in recent weeks , with some dismissing it as @ @ @ @ @ more testing .
However , the last few days saw a large enough jump for @ @ @ @ @ make absolutely no policy changes whatsoever – but he did issue a warning .
Twitter @ @ @ @ @ things into perspective .
If only it were that simple .
Here ’ s what @ @ @ @ @ all .
That must be it .
9 scathing responses to Matt Hancock ’ s @ @ @ @ @ little coronavirus transmission in offices

Twitter
The number of positive results of coronavirus tests has been growing in recent weeks, with some dismissing it as merely an inevitable upshot of more testing.
However, the last few days saw a large enough jump for a concerned Matt Hancock to make absolutely no policy changes whatsoever – but he did issue a warning.
"The rise is predominantly amongst younger people" Health Secretary Matt Hancock addresses sharp rise in number of UK coronavirus cases and reminds people to keep following social distancing measures to protect family and friendshttps://t.co/uLQqvqID7d pic.twitter.com/5kQkUaYeNA — BBC News (UK) (@BBCNews) September 6, 2020
Twitter was on hand to put things into perspective.
today in no.10 Government communications: "everyone needs to get back to work now the kids are back at woah jesus hell Covid case numbers are going crazy everyone get the fuck home" 🙄 — dave ❄ 🥕 🧻 (@davemacladd) September 6, 2020
If only it were that simple. Here’s what other people thought of it all.
1.
We have just recorded the highest number of new Covid cases since 24 May – this calls for drastic and urgent action. From tomorrow we will massively step up our vilification of climate protestors and people in dinghies. https://t.co/xSP3LFvuE0 — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) September 6, 2020
2.
Huh turns out “stay home save lives” was a better policy than “GET BACK TO WORK YOU CUNTS DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT PRET” https://t.co/eLIGUPlKCw — James Felton (@JimMFelton) September 6, 2020
3.
Stay home. Don't stay home. Get back to the office. Get out of the office. Save the economy. Don't save the economy. Save the NHS. Stay away from the office. Wear a mask. Eat your mask. EAT YOUR MASK https://t.co/R6uXaHg9Iq — Michael Deacon (@MichaelPDeacon) September 6, 2020
4.
GO TO FUCKING PRET AND STAY AWAY FROM GRANDMA ALRIGHT IT’S NOT FUCKING DIFFICULT IS IT https://t.co/hSWJaALlLb — Tom Peck (@tompeck) September 6, 2020
5.
The rise in the number of #coronavirus cases seen today is concerning It's vital that everyone follows the guidelines & remembers: Er… stay alive… control your home… save Dominic… — Parody Matt Hancock (@ParodyHancock) September 6, 2020
6.
Predominantly among younger people? Like, say, the younger people they’re trying to bully back into city centre offices so their donors don’t lose money on their property portfolios? Those younger people, @MattHancock? https://t.co/kQ9oH8ji3L — 🏳🌈 Max 🏳🌈 (@SpillerOfTea) September 6, 2020
7.
End the weekend on a high. https://t.co/MwANC5bV16 — Tiernan Douieb (@TiernanDouieb) September 6, 2020
8.
Turns out: if you demand the working age population return to work, working age people get the virus. https://t.co/DqiAWdfrp8 — Sinan Kose (@TheSinanKose) September 6, 2020
9.
Preview of the Cabinet Briefing Room tomorrow morning: https://t.co/6vZgVh8NXg pic.twitter.com/tTcMxBpRfr — Gordon Brown's Biscuit (@BrownsBiscuit) September 6, 2020
To sum up.
"We've told people to go back to work, school and university. We've opened up shops, bars and restaurants and encouraged people to visit them. We cannot fathom why cases of Covid are rocketing but it must be something to do with washing hands" https://t.co/t78N1oN5UG — ❓🦎 (@curiousiguana) September 6, 2020
That must be it.
READ MORE
9 scathing responses to Matt Hancock’s claim that there’s little coronavirus transmission in offices
Source BBC Image @unitednations on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-09-07--Donald Trump’s plastic straw rant works uncannily well as a Michael McIntyre routine

Donald Trump recently went on a rant about paper straws – he prefers plastic ones – and it reminded comedian @ @ @ @ @ on Twitter – of the sort of thing Michael McIntyre might do .
First up @ @ @ @ @ so-called president .
And here ’ s what @ OFalafel did with it , and @ @ @ @ @ Actor Jon Cryer had the perfect takedown for this Trump loyalist ’ s petty attack @ @

Videos
Donald Trump recently went on a rant about paper straws – he prefers plastic ones – and it reminded comedian Olaf Falafel – @OFalafel on Twitter – of the sort of thing Michael McIntyre might do.
First up, here’s the so-called president.
And here’s what @OFalafel did with it, and it’s uncanny,
Trump’s plastic straw rant sounded like something Michael McIntyre would do so I put them together pic.twitter.com/HHI0eKNOW3 — Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) September 5, 2020
Very cleverly done.
An amazing mash-up of a famous TV personality that everyone laughs at .. and Michael McIntyre — Tomcat Tobi (@TobiTomcat) September 5, 2020
So clever. Trump's style has always been closer to the rhythms and content of stand-up comedy than political speeches, and this makes the point beautifully. https://t.co/fSAZyrXypP — Jonathan Coe (@jonathancoe) September 7, 2020
I weirdly wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. His recent ‘cans of soup’ speech is also ripe for dubbing over a comedian but it feels a bit more Stewart Lee — Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) September 7, 2020
Follow @OFalafel on Twitter now!
READ MORE
Actor Jon Cryer had the perfect takedown for this Trump loyalist’s petty attack on him
Source @OFalafel


thepoke--2020-09-07--11 favourite things people said about Neil Buchanan after it’s rumoured he’s actually Banksy

It ’ s not the most important … actually , it IS the most important story today – the rumours @ @ @ @ @ ’ s Neil Buchanan ( you remember ) is actually Banksy .
This may be @ @ @ @ @ .
He even had a proper theory and everything … … although this person was @ @ @ @ @ .
Banksy ’ s , sorry , Buchanan ’ s people have denied it but @ @ @ @ @ everyone talking about it , obviously .
So here are 11 of our favourite tweets @ @ @ @ @ , not all of them related to his newly-revealed double life .
People keep asking @ @ @ @ @ for free and his takedowns are a work of art

Twitter
It’s not the most important … actually, it IS the most important story today – the rumours going round that Art Attack’s Neil Buchanan (you remember) is actually Banksy.
This may be the tweet that started it. He even had a proper theory and everything …
Just heard that it's rumoured Neil Buchanan is Banksy. If true, it's the funniest shit ever. Aintree's finest. He's a musician and art has followed in the cities of shows he's done allegedly. This is straight in the believe without question category . pic.twitter.com/LWU48wGekR — Scouseman (@ScouseMan_) September 4, 2020
… although this person was way ahead of everyone else.
Imagine if Banksy turned out to be Neil Buchanan from Art Attack. What a wild trip that would be. — Nathalie Gordon (@awlilnatty) September 7, 2019
Banksy’s, sorry, Buchanan’s people have denied it but that didn’t stop everyone talking about it, obviously.
So here are 11 of our favourite tweets about the Art Attack chap, not all of them related to his newly-revealed double life.
1.
The fact that there’s a huge rumour going round that Art Attack legend, Neil Buchanan, is actually Banksy is one of the only good things to have happened this year. — Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) September 7, 2020
2.
Neil Buchanan is NOT Banksy. Could Banksy use cardboard tubes from old toilet rolls and different coloured ping pong balls to make a trap so you could tell if anybody had been in your room while you’d been out? I think we know the answer to that. It’s ‘no’. #neilbuchanan — John Bradley (@johnbradleywest) September 7, 2020
3.
Exactly what Banksy would say… pic.twitter.com/wZ9Xp4JUvq — DG (@_Dansson) September 7, 2020
4.
That Neil Buchanan rumour is just a ploy to distract people from discovering the REAL identity of Banksy: pic.twitter.com/GiDjBQUsGD — Jamie Walsh (@jimjamjamiew) September 7, 2020
5.
*Neil Buchanan on Art Attack* “Ok, to make this Egyptian mask you’ll need the following: – A Cereal Box.
– Paint.
– 4 toilet roll tubes.
– Scissors.
– Bag of cement.
– Gypsy tears.
– The gooch fur of a Wombat.
– White dog shit.
– Radium…… and of course
– PVA glue.” — Flanny. (@FlannyTweets) February 4, 2019
6.
"This IS Art Attack!" yells Neil Buchanan, throwing his arms open. The camera pulls out, above the trees, above the houses, further and further, past the stratosphere until eventually it stops, revealing Earth is the ultimate Art Attack and Neil Buchanan was God all along. — Bec Hill (@bechillcomedian) August 15, 2020
7.
New lockdown rules for England:
You can hunt Neil Buchanan from Art Attack but not Pat Sharp from Funhouse.
Mice can use cats as horses.
You can stay in a bungalow but only if it's haunted & you're the same height as Kylie Minogue.
Indoors is outdoors on Shrove Tuesday. — joe heenan (@joeheenan) June 11, 2020
8.
So today I found out that Neil Buchanan from Art Attack now performs in a metal band and I can’t stop thinking about it pic.twitter.com/gzQvxeJ5JN — Lucinda (@ellkay_) April 8, 2019
9.
Once when I was a waitress, Neil Buchanan from art attack asked me for another fork. I went and got him a fork. He said, 'thank you'. https://t.co/ajZ8Z5FBJD — Louise (@LouisePentland) May 15, 2020
10.
Hearing rumours that Banksy is really Tony Hart (who didn’t really die).
Huge if true. — Pete Newbon (@PeteNewbon) September 7, 2020
11.
JFK was assassinated 55 yrs ago today.
Here’s a true story.
A young black boy ran up to his car as it was driving through Dallas
“I want to be president one day” he said
JFK looked at him, smiled & replied
“Then make it happen” That young boy was Neil Buchanan from Art Attack — joe heenan (@joeheenan) November 22, 2018
To conclude …
UPDATED 2020 CALENDAR: January: Coronavirus
February: Coronavirus
March: Coronavirus
April: Coronavirus
May: Coronavirus
June: Coronavirus
July: Everything is cake
August: Coronavirus
September: Neil Buchanan isn’t Banksy — Pundamentalism (@Pundamentalism) September 7, 2020
READ MORE
People keep asking this artist to draw them for free and his takedowns are a work of art
Image screengrab Pixabay


thepoke--2020-09-07--This child trying to eat every single ingredient is a funny, lovely, infuriating watch


thepoke--2020-09-08--This pet owner made the most of lockdown by building a tank for his cats and people love it

We ’ re grateful to @ pandamoanimum over on Twitter for sharing these pictures of the project her neighbour came @ @ @ @ @ ‘ During lockdown my friend ’ s dad made excellent use of his free time @ @ @ @ @ his cats , ’ said @ Pandamoanimum .
And they went viral because , well @ @ @ @ @ them for yourself .

Pics
We’re grateful to @pandamoanimum over on Twitter for sharing these pictures of the project her friend’s dad came up with during lockdown.
‘During lockdown my friend’s dad made excellent use of his free time and built a tank for his cats,’ said @Pandamoanimum.
And they went viral because, well, have a look at them for yourself.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
Purrr-fect.
Arming cats is never going to end well. They are pyschopathic enough without aid. — Paul Robertson (@paulsrkendal) September 8, 2020
I like the cat doing the Guy With Shopping Bag In Tiananmen Square thing — Mitch Benn🇬🇧🇪🇺 (@MitchBenn) September 8, 2020
I completely want to believe the cats were deliberately re-enacting that moment. — Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) September 8, 2020
Cat version of Tiananmen Square pic.twitter.com/ktcydV6Foi — Ian Smith (@irs1980Gooner) September 8, 2020
Follow @pandamoanimum on Twitter here!
READ MORE
‘This dog has perfect diction’
Source @Pandamoanimum


thepoke--2020-09-08--‘This is what i call a big OOOOF’

‘This is what i call a big OOOOF’

Very possibly you can see what ’ s coming , but this play in two acts is no less dramatic @ @ @ @ @ is what i call a big OOOOF , ’ said @ nehathemartian who shared it @ @ @ @ @ of this person who defended the Bible in its entirety was sheer perfection

Twitter
Very possibly you can see what’s coming, but this play in two acts is no less dramatic for it.
‘This is what i call a big OOOOF,’ said @nehathemartian who shared it on Twitter.
Act one.
Act two.
OOOOF indeed.
Life comes at you fast… pic.twitter.com/kPAuyji8gl — helen ayres #ExcludedUK (@Raphaelite_Girl) September 8, 2020
READ MORE
The takedown of this person who defended the Bible in its entirety was sheer perfection
Source @nehathemartian


thepoke--2020-09-08--A BBC reporter shared the abuse she gets from conspiracy theorists and it’s a grim but important rea

A BBC reporter shared the abuse she gets from conspiracy theorists and it’s a grim but important read

Marianna Spring is the BBC ’ s specialist disinformation reporter proactively countering conspiracy theories and the like on social media @ @ @ @ @ went on Twitter to share some of the abuse she was sent over the course @ @ @ @ @ it makes for a very grim but important read .
Here are just a few @ @ @ @ @ to say about the thread .
And here ’ s what she had to say @ @ @ @ @ can follow @ mariannaspring on Twitter here .
This coronavirus conspiracy theory is like a @ @ @ @ @ hits

Twitter
Marianna Spring is the BBC’s specialist disinformation reporter proactively countering conspiracy theories and the like on social media and elsewhere.
And she went on Twitter to share some of the abuse she was sent over the course of a single weekend and it makes for a very grim but important read.
1.
Here’s a thread rating the wave of abuse I’ve received this weekend! As the BBC’s specialist disinformation reporter, I expect nasty stuff from conspiracy theorists. But it shouldn’t be the norm – which I want to highlight. 1⃣ 9/10 – gets pedo in early and ends with threat. pic.twitter.com/OUIAuNOl7j — Marianna Spring (@mariannaspring) September 7, 2020
2.
2⃣ 8/10 – DM to my private Instagram. I tend not to respond to abuse, but brilliant reference to Come Dine With Me that I just couldn’t ignore. Good use of hell imagery. Just in case you fancy rewatching this gem: https://t.co/hRqskYjBNS pic.twitter.com/ThOL1z8eY7 — Marianna Spring (@mariannaspring) September 7, 2020
3.
3⃣ 6/10 – another Instagram DM. Gets straight to the point with a threat I have to report. Keeping me on my toes on a Saturday night. pic.twitter.com/ZZtsVEtSDv — Marianna Spring (@mariannaspring) September 7, 2020
4.
4⃣ 5/10 – Anti-BBC stuff is generally less personally offensive, but still not ideal. Appreciate the ‘Have a good day’ the end. He’s obviously got manners. pic.twitter.com/0dpv1RoepU — Marianna Spring (@mariannaspring) September 7, 2020
5.
5⃣ 6/10 – Not very original and highly offensive nazi comparisons. This person sent me over 15 emails in the space of 12 hours. pic.twitter.com/3mhN7u5dkD — Marianna Spring (@mariannaspring) September 7, 2020
6.
6⃣ 10/10 – Account with medium-size Twitter following puts clip of me (young female BBC reporter) on YouTube. It encourages conspiracy theorists to send me targeted harassment. pic.twitter.com/qgpwGZVffv — Marianna Spring (@mariannaspring) September 7, 2020
7.
7⃣ 7/10 – Healthy dose of misogyny. Going for the “silly little girl” angle – slightly preferred over my regular ”you’re Satan’s whore”. pic.twitter.com/8AZoiYPtlc — Marianna Spring (@mariannaspring) September 7, 2020
8.
8⃣ 4/10 – accusing me of child abuse in disgusting messages that I’ve now flagged to this man’s employer! pic.twitter.com/5QfPagHCpf — Marianna Spring (@mariannaspring) September 7, 2020
9.
The irony of all this is that as well as disinformation, I also cover hate speech and abuse online. A combination of radicalisation by conspiracy theories, the disinhibition effect of being on social media, my beat and gender has resulted in a fair high level of abuse. — Marianna Spring (@mariannaspring) September 7, 2020
10.
I wonder whether any of these people would be like Alan. He apologised for abusive, racist comments he directed at Gina Miller on social media in a report I did earlier this year. If you’re a troll (or not) – have a watch!https://t.co/KYLQHcjiN0 — Marianna Spring (@mariannaspring) September 7, 2020
11.
So many journalists, public figures and influencers receive horrible abuse online – far more than me! Especially reporters covering disinfo. Criticism of those with a profile is totally legitimate, but abuse and harassment online is not. It shouldn’t be normalised. — Marianna Spring (@mariannaspring) September 7, 2020
12.
I really love my job and public service is at the heart of my reporting – so I’ll put up with this regardless! But social media sites must do more to curb abuse, especially since it risks spilling into the real world. — Marianna Spring (@mariannaspring) September 7, 2020
13.
Those sending abuse often focus on balance. When covering disinformation, it’s not a question of giving time to false, unfounded claims and conspiracy theories that do harm. It’s about reporting on facts, the sources of disinfo and understanding those taken in by it! — Marianna Spring (@mariannaspring) September 8, 2020
Here are just a few of the things people had to say about the thread.
You’re doing an outstanding job. Excellent journalism always makes enemies. Some people don’t like hearing the truth. https://t.co/Jjp2IlczhS — Jeremy Bowen (@BowenBBC) September 8, 2020
Well done for highlighting all this. There’s a lot of crap out there perpetuated by scum swimming in a sewer of disinformation and lies. You bring them to book which is why you’re targeted! You’re clearly having an effect. Keep doing what you’re doing. https://t.co/VrLQChtVRE — Clive Myrie (@CliveMyrieBBC) September 8, 2020
. @mariannaspring is a brilliant reporter, on a beat that has never been more important. https://t.co/XpprT9konJ — Chris Mason (@ChrisMasonBBC) September 7, 2020
This woman is phenomenal – she's not only a brilliant journalist and communicator, clear and well informed, she also deals with this sort of sh*t with incredible dignity. But she shouldn't have to. https://t.co/rCrRcfVgLL — Rachel Burden (@rachelburden) September 8, 2020
Imagine having to wade through these knuckle-dragging orcs on your timeline every day? Many do. My respect, Marianna. https://t.co/NujIBz99OA — Stephen McGann (@StephenMcGann) September 7, 2020
And here’s what she had to say in response.
I really appreciate all of the lovely messages! It’s so brilliant doing this job – I just don’t think daily harassment should be normalised. Criticism welcome, but not threats and abuse – or encouraging followers to send me nasty messages. — Marianna Spring (@mariannaspring) September 8, 2020
And you can follow @mariannaspring on Twitter here.
READ MORE
This coronavirus conspiracy theory is like a tinfoil hatter’s greatest hits
Source @mariannaspring


thepoke--2020-09-08--Channel 5’s Jeremy Vine Show ballsed up their Matt Hancock captions and it didn’t end well

We only mention this because the C5 show put a caption on the clip , on top of the LBC @ @ @ @ @ .
Nadine Dorries said no-one predicted Covid-19 would be over by Christmas and it ’ @ @ @ @

Pics
Channel 5’s Jeremy Vine Show featured a clip of health secretary Matt Hancock talking on LBC.
We only mention this because the C5 show put a caption on the clip, on top of the LBC caption which was already there.
And it ended predictably badly.
Well, that’s unfortunate.
Say what you see 😀 — Gerry Campbell (@GerardC76874743) September 8, 2020
Innocent mistake, hilarious results. No apology required. — Will, Who Cares? (@ThatWillWeirdo) September 8, 2020
READ MORE
Nadine Dorries said no-one predicted Covid-19 would be over by Christmas and it’s a glorious self-own
Source @theJeremyVine


thepoke--2020-09-08--Want to catch up on coronavirus news? Do it via these 10 funny comments

Professor Jonathan Van Tam , one of the SAGE scientists who kept us up to date during Downing Street coronavirus briefings , has expressed worries at the spike in UK cases .
Who could have guessed that sending kids back to school , workers back into offices and drinkers back into pubs might have undermined the social distancing message ?
We ’ re all so shocked .
Perhaps it ’ s time to start staying in more and – I don ’ t know – maybe reading some funny tweets .
1 .
Taking off your mask is the new @ @ @ @ @ @ @ should look to those in the know for guidance 3 .
There ’ s a lot to be said for the line of least resistance 5 .
People are starting to figure out their own loopholes 6 .
Covid keeps throwing us those curve balls 7 .
The trace part of Test and Trace refers to finding a centre 8 .
Not all lockdown sacrifices were equal 9 .
Where do you aim the hose when there are two fires ?
10 .
Brace yourself for the decade of coronavirus-themed entertainment Finally , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Batten .
12 very funny takes on coping with the pandemic

Twitter
Professor Jonathan Van Tam, one of the SAGE scientists who kept us up to date during Downing Street coronavirus briefings, has expressed worries at the spike in UK cases.
Who could have guessed that sending kids back to school, workers back into offices and drinkers back into pubs might have undermined the social distancing message? We’re all so shocked.
via Gfycat
Perhaps it’s time to start staying in more and – I don’t know – maybe reading some funny tweets.
1. Taking off your mask is the new kicking off your shoes
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy — Sophia Cadogan (@sophiacadogan) September 2, 2020
2. We should look to those in the know for guidance
If you’re wondering if to go on your booked holidays to France just ask yourself: “What would Dominic Cummings do?” #enjoyletrip — Henning Wehn (@henningwehn) August 14, 2020
3. There’s a lot to be said for the line of least resistance
Spending an hour painting my face every morning instead of taking two seconds to put a mask on pic.twitter.com/wOG9Ppv3SX — pokey pup (@Whatapityonyou) September 4, 2020
4. The measure of true commitment
I just want the government to take COVID as seriously as my neighbors on @Nextdoor when they think they saw a homeless person — SwearOnWhateverOrWhoeverHat (@Popehat) September 4, 2020
5. People are starting to figure out their own loopholes
Performers! Top tip ! to avoid government regulations banning West End Shows and live events. Start the show by singing the words to Rule Britannia@ThePoke @TwopTwips — Arnie Haybridge (@ArnieHaybridge) September 6, 2020
6. Covid keeps throwing us those curve balls
I see we’ve entered the ‘fat shaming dogs’ phase of the pandemic then https://t.co/p68hNk9Eoo — Sorcha Ní Nia (@Luiseach) September 5, 2020
7. The trace part of Test and Trace refers to finding a centre
Matt Hancock says they've updated the Coronavirus test system so you now get one within 75 miles of home. Because driving 75 miles with a fever is perfectly acceptable and definitely not likely to cause traffic accidents. — HappyToast ★ (@IamHappyToast) September 7, 2020
8. Not all lockdown sacrifices were equal
Me telling parents of toddlers how during the pandemic I’ve studied winemaking, taken up tennis, cycling, and playing video games pic.twitter.com/CNYiGaNkDU — joe (@JoePerticone) September 5, 2020
9. Where do you aim the hose when there are two fires?
Covid News vs Brexit News is very much the Blur vs Oasis of 2020. https://t.co/mQynyp2EZt — Robert Hutton (@RobDotHutton) September 7, 2020
10. Brace yourself for the decade of coronavirus-themed entertainment
Excitement as world's first coronavirus theme park opens in Worksop pic.twitter.com/4FwqCOwzbT — Darren Dutton (@Darren_Dutton) September 5, 2020
Finally, an observation from the very funny Clara Batten.
READ MORE
12 very funny takes on coping with the pandemic
Image Joe Perticone


thepoke--2020-09-08--Nadine Dorries said no-one predicted Covid-19 would be over by Christmas and it’s a glorious self-ow

Nadine Dorries said no-one predicted Covid-19 would be over by Christmas and it’s a glorious self-own

Conservative MP and health minister Nadine Dorries has been on Twitter to deny anyone in the government ever said that @ @ @ @ @ over by Christmas .
She sprang into action after former journalist @ Steve_hawkes said this @ @ @ @ @ was being ‘ too relaxed ’ about the pandemic .
Except , er , the @ @ @ @ @ to say about that … Nadine Dorries bigged up Boris Johnson and this takedown was @ @

Twitter
Conservative MP and health minister Nadine Dorries has been on Twitter to deny anyone in the government ever said that the Covid-19 crisis would be over by Christmas.
She sprang into action after former journalist @steve_hawkes said this about suggestions that the public was being ‘too relaxed’ about the pandemic.
Public “too relaxed” about Covid? They were told to shop, take a summer holiday and that it would be over by Xmas https://t.co/cVSGyUHmmM — Steve Hawkes (@steve_hawkes) September 7, 2020
Cue Dorries!
Except, er, the great @JimMFelton had something to say about that …
Owned.
Hello, is that the Twitter Police? I’d like to report Nadine Dorries has just been owned by James Felton. — tuttingeyerollanov (@tuttingeyeroll) September 8, 2020
Blond chap, stutters a bit, oily grin? pic.twitter.com/JhSf74mRiN — Paul (@PaulOnBooks) September 8, 2020
https://twitter.com/SpillerOfTea/status/1303248668091445252?s=20
Bit awkward when it was your boss who said it… pic.twitter.com/9O8wYGQdJC — Nathanael Kent (@nathanaelkent) September 8, 2020
And just in case Dorries was still in any doubt …
Boris Johnson – Normality possible by Christmas. You were saying Nadine? https://t.co/dDVMOSM5Bq pic.twitter.com/HOclnAltQz — Haggis_UK 🇬🇧 🇪🇺 (@Haggis_UK) September 8, 2020
READ MORE
Nadine Dorries bigged up Boris Johnson and this takedown was just ruthless
Source @JimMFelton Image screengrab


thepoke--2020-09-08--‘This dog has perfect diction’

‘This dog has perfect diction’

Different languages have different words for ‘ woof ’ but we ’ re pretting sure this one is speaking English @ @ @ @ @ you were wondering about those others … People love this very important instruction on this @ @ @

Videos
Different languages have different words for ‘woof’ but we’re pretting sure this one is speaking English.
The most pronounced woof I’ve ever heard pic.twitter.com/j1m15CUYVF — Back To Nature (@backt0nature) September 7, 2020
10/10!
He said woof in human language — PhilipMello3 (@Mello3Philip) September 7, 2020
This dog has perfect diction. https://t.co/XbeOwhZXPp — Nigel Auchterlounie (@spleenal) September 8, 2020
“Dont woof” “I woof >:(“ — Mack 💜 (@Mack32TWD) September 7, 2020
In short.
And just in case you were wondering about those others …
READ MORE
People love this very important instruction on this pet shampoo bottle
(via Reddit)
Source @backt0nature H/T @spleenal


thepoke--2020-09-08--Member of the “speak English” brigade not great at English – Episode 4,799

Oklahoma City has enough Spanish-speaking residents that important notices are written in that language as well as English .
It @ @ @ @ @ making sure that everyone completely understands the rules around avoiding Covid-19 – an aim the @ @ @ @ @ adopt .
Unfortunately , not everybody is happy with the arrangement .
Reddit user beerbellybegone @ @ @ @ @ bigoted comment – complete with inbuilt irony .
When in Rome – wear a mask @ @ @ @ @ A Trump fan tried to own the Libs and got murdered by words

Weird World
Oklahoma City has enough Spanish-speaking residents that important notices are written in that language as well as English.
It has been particularly useful when making sure that everyone completely understands the rules around avoiding Covid-19 – an aim the UK government might like to adopt.
Unfortunately, not everybody is happy with the arrangement.
Reddit user beerbellybegone shared this screenshot of a bigoted comment – complete with inbuilt irony.
Erm …what?
via Gfycat
When in Rome – wear a mask and maintain social distancing.
READ MORE
A Trump fan tried to own the Libs and got murdered by words
Source r/MurderedByWords Image r/MurderedByWords, Gerson Repreza on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-09-08--13 people who are so hilariously entitled you’ll be facepalming into next week

There are entitled people , and then there are entitled people .
And then there are these entirely people who @ @ @ @ @ to the next level and back .
Simply 13 hilarious examples of entitlement , collected @ @ @ @ @ Someecards , that will have you facepalming into next week .
2 .
‘ I @ @ @ @ @ second job and he won ’ t ’ 4 .
‘ I just want a @ @ @ @ @ my child ’ 7 .
‘ Can it be done on the weekend ?
’ @ @ @ @ @ on hold and never come back ’ 10 .
‘ We will use a different @ @ @ @ @ 13 .
‘ I ’ m so tired of listening to women complaining … ’ @ @ @ @ @ is entitled though .
Just a dick .
Simply 13 very funny fashion fails to @ @ @ @

Weird World
There are entitled people, and then there are entitled people. And then there are these entitled people who take it to the next level and beyond.
Simply 13 hilarious examples of entitlement, collected by the good people of Someecards, that will have you facepalming into next week.
1. ‘Please train your bears’
2. ‘I asked him to get a second job and he won’t’
3. ‘Dear UPS man …’
4. ‘I just want a decent picture of me and my child’
5. ‘Happy Mother’s Day’
6. ‘Get rid of masks’
7. ‘Can it be done on the weekend?’
8. ‘Will find other cinema’
9. ‘They put you on hold and never come back’
10. ‘We will use a different location from now on’
11. ‘What’s your name?’
12. ‘Poor use of emergency system’
13. ‘I’m so tired of listening to women complaining …’
Not sure that last person is entitled though. Just a dick.
READ MORE
Simply 13 very funny fashion fails to make your day better
Source Someecards


thepoke--2020-09-08--Covidiot of the day refuses to go to a wedding if they have to wear a mask

In the latest of an occasional series , covidiot of the day , comes this , a woman who was invited to a wedding but was unhappy about having to wear a mask .
Really unhappy , it turns out .
The text was shared on Reddit by idowithkozlowski who said ‘ Wait , what ?
The crossed out name is her husband ’ and had more details to share .
“ For context , this is someone I used to babysit for as a teenager .
I ’ ve always loved their family !
Her , her husband , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I have known and babysit for them for 6 or 7 years !
I told her that by state and the venues rules the mask are mandatory for everyone , ” bride idowithkozlowski explained .
“ The only time people will be without a mask is me and my dad walking down the aisle , and me and my FH during the ceremony ( pastor will be standing 6 feet away , I see my dad on a weekly , almost daily basis , and the chairs will be 6 feet from the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mandatory or everyone .
Needless to say , they declined.
” And our favourite things people said about it .
‘ Honestly , under the circumstances consider this text as a blessing and give her family the out.
’ Greenfieldsofa ‘ This is ridiculous .
Do not feel bad for not having them there .
I teach elementary school , and if my kindergarten kids can keep a piece of fabric on their faces all day , a grown up should be able to .
He needs to keep his “ politics ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t be political anyway.
’ 4-7-3-6-2-5-1 ‘ Don ’ t even dignify that with a reply .
She knows what required means – its not on you by any stretch of the imagination to make your wedding “ work for her family ” .
Her husband refuses to wear a mask under any circumstance – that ’ s her problem .
If my petty ass received this message , I ’ d be like , “ I ’ ll put you down as a no , then .
Thanks for RSVPing !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ as we were , it reminded us of this guy destroys by numbers and it ’ s a very satisfying read .

Weird World
In the latest of an occasional series, covidiot of the day is this woman who was invited to a wedding but was unhappy about having to wear a mask. Really unhappy, it turns out.
The text was shared on Reddit by idowithkozlowski who said ‘Wait, what? The crossed out name is her husband’ and had more details to share.
“For context, this is someone I used to babysit for as a teenager. I’ve always loved their family! Her, her husband, and their 2 kids were invited. I have known and babysit for them for 6 or 7 years! I told her that by state and the venues rules the mask are mandatory for everyone. “The only time people will be without a mask is me and my dad walking down the aisle, and me and my FH during the ceremony (pastor will be standing 6 feet away, I see my dad on a weekly, almost daily basis, and the chairs will be 6 feet from the isle) but after that they are mandatory or everyone. Needless to say, they declined.”
And our favourite things people said about it.
‘Honestly, under the circumstances consider this text as a blessing and give her family the out.’ Greenfieldsofa ‘This is ridiculous. Do not feel bad for not having them there. I teach elementary school, and if my kindergarten kids can keep a piece of fabric on their faces all day, a grown up should be able to. He needs to keep his “politics” out of your wedding. Science shouldn’t be political anyway.’ 4-7-3-6-2-5-1 ‘Don’t even dignify that with a reply. She knows what required means – its not on you by any stretch of the imagination to make your wedding “work for her family”. Her husband refuses to wear a mask under any circumstance – that’s her problem.
If my petty ass received this message, I’d be like, “I’ll put you down as a no, then. Thanks for RSVPing!”‘ petitelinotte212
Talking of covidiots, as we were, it reminded us of this guy destroys by numbers and it’s a very satisfying read.
Boom.
READ MORE
Donald Trump’s plastic straw rant works uncannily well as a Michael McIntyre routine
H/T Someecards Source Reddit u/idowithkozlowski


thepoke--2020-09-08--Who is the real choosing beggar in this “bartender edition”?

Over on Reddit , u/mikerockitjones has shared this pub notice board from The Pit Bar in Florida , which tells a tacit story of a bartender at the end of their tether .
Most people weren ’ t on board with the spirit of the sign .
Yep , that bar is assuming a bit too much and generalizing .
I certainly wouldn ’ t be going there after seeing this , even if I was going to .
banjowashisnameo Someone called u/shescryingnow had experience …and advice for bartenders .
“ I tended bar years ago and I usually drank @ @ @ @ @ @ @ also 100 % did not judge people on most of these things ( and this was kind of a pretentious gastropub ) — the last two were the only ones that made roll my eyes out of my head .
Also , if someone says make it strong , they usually want something like a double with less mix , or something like less mix period because they don ’ t want it super sweet and/or they actually like the taste of booze .
There ’ s this fun thing you can do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Even if you call it “ mixology ” this shit isn ’ t rocket science .
”

Pics
Over on Reddit, u/mikerockitjones has shared this pub notice board from The Pit Bar in Florida, which tells a tacit story of a bartender at the end of their tether.
Most people weren’t on board with the spirit of the sign.
Yep, that bar is assuming a bit too much and generalizing. I certainly wouldn’t be going there after seeing this, even if I was going to.
banjowashisnameo
Yeah, I’m THAT guy that prefers to not drink watered down bourbon.
TheSpatulaOfLove
Seriously how pretentious is this? “Make it a double” In what world does that translate to “I want more free alcohol because I’m a choosing beggar”.
TravelDude14
That sign screams douchebag bartenders. Especially because tall, double and rocks are super common ways to order drinks.
Smoo930
Someone called u/shescryingnow had experience …and advice for bartenders.
“I tended bar years ago and I usually drank most of my liquor straight. I also 100% did not judge people on most of these things (and this was kind of a pretentious gastropub) — the last two were the only ones that made roll my eyes out of my head. Also, if someone says make it strong, they usually want something like a double with less mix, or something like less mix period because they don’t want it super sweet and/or they actually like the taste of booze. There’s this fun thing you can do called “talk to the customer.” Even if you call it “mixology” this shit isn’t rocket science.”
In conclusion …
I assume the choosing beggar is the bar here. I’m sorry for bothering you by making drink requests at a bar.
GetsGold
READ MORE
Pub Sign of the Week
Source r/ChoosingBeggars Image r/ChoosingBeggars, Stanizlav Rozhkov on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-09-08--Chico the parrot’s amazing Beyoncé impression is a feather in his cap

Meet Chico , Lincolnshire Wildlife Park ’ s very talented parrot .
Many parrots can talk , but Chico goes one better – and it has to be heard to be believed .
We ’ ve all heard less impressive singing on the X Factor – other talent shows are available .
His former owner , Julie Gregory , filled everyone in on the bird ’ s wider repertoire .
When the park shared the clip of Chico , it went viral , being featured on This Morning , as well as news outlets such as the BBC , CBC @ @ @ @ @ @ @ several stations across the US .
He even has his own Instagram account now – making him possibly the world ’ s first parrot influencer .
Here are a few things the internet has had to say about Birdyoncé .
Shut up – we know .
We look forward to Chico ’ s next video – ‘ If you like it then you should have put a wing on it ’ .
No , YOU shut up !
This parrot playing peekaboo with a cat ( sound up ! )
is the content @ @ @ @

Videos
Meet Chico, Lincolnshire Wildlife Park’s very talented parrot. Many parrots can talk, but Chico goes one better – and it has to be heard to be believed.
We’ve all heard less impressive singing on the X Factor – other talent shows are available.
His former owner, Julie Gregory, filled everyone in on the bird’s wider repertoire.
“Chico was mine I taught him, if I were a boy by Beyonce, poker face by lady gaga, firework by katy perry and you drive me crazy by gnarls barkley love he is so happy he is singing his songs.”
When the park shared the clip of Chico, it went viral, being featured on This Morning, as well as news outlets such as the BBC, CBC in Canada, ABC in Australia and several stations across the US.
He even has his own Instagram account now – making him possibly the world’s first parrot influencer.
Here are a few things the internet has had to say about Birdyoncé. Shut up – we know.
And the Grammy Awards for 2021 goes to CHICO
Parrot Sings Beyonce's: 'If I Were A Boy'!@istanbul_mu pic.twitter.com/eTzVmU9RvA — .. ᴡɪᴛʜᴏᴜᴛ ᴍᴀʟɪᴄᴇ ɪɴ ʟᴀɴᴅ (@oman170490) September 3, 2020
“Omfg.. He’s got her tone omfg”
Matthew Summer-Lee Hickman
“@beyonce got competition!”
itsatimocracy83
We look forward to Chico’s next video – ‘If you like it then you should have put a wing on it’. No, YOU shut up!
READ MORE
This parrot playing peekaboo with a cat (sound up!) is the content you need right now
Source Facebook Image Facebook


thepoke--2020-09-08--People have been sharing their crazy conspiracy theories – our 23 favourites

The pandemic saw several conspiracy theories either spring up afresh or resurface .
For example , there are swathes of @ @ @ @ @ technology causes Covid-19 , although the details of how are somewhat sketchy .
Similarly , @ @ @ @ @ who think that face coverings cause respiratory failure that we can only assume they made @ @ @ @ @ .
Writer Will Black started a hashtag that seemed very apt for these times , @ @ @ @ @ .
We ’ ve seen the rallies , and it doesn ’ t seem all @ @ @ @ @ fair .
As is so often the case , Twitter rose to the occasion rather @ @ @ @ @ our favourites .

Twitter
The pandemic saw several conspiracy theories either spring up afresh or resurface. For example, there are swathes of people who believe that 5G technology causes Covid-19, although the details of how are somewhat sketchy.
Similarly, there are so many people who think that face coverings cause respiratory failure that we can only assume they made theirs out of plastic bags.
Writer Will Black started a hashtag that seemed very apt for these times, with this crazy conspiracy theory.
#StartCrazyConspiracyTheories The reason Trump is relying on his base and is making no effort to unite the USA is because his base hasn't shrunk with deaths. This is because MAGA hats take over the animation of bodies #ZombieVoters — Will Black (@WillBlackWriter) September 7, 2020
We’ve seen the rallies, and it doesn’t seem all that crazy, to be fair.
As is so often the case, Twitter rose to the occasion rather brilliantly, and these were our favourites.
1.
A KFC chicken is slaughtered at 35 days old. During lock down some of them grew to over 6ft and weighed over 14st. #StartCrazyConspiracyTheories — Neil Salters (@faultysalty) September 7, 2020
2.
Ants are actually aliens who are quietly tunneling underground so that one day, the earth will fall in on itself and they can take over. #StartCrazyConspiracyTheories — The Original Twitflup! (@TheRealFlups) September 7, 2020
3.
#StartCrazyConspiracyTheories Mark Francoise has a French doppleganger called Marc Anglaise who pretends he was in the Foreign Legion. — Paul Cochrane CBA (@mrdissent) September 7, 2020
4.
5G is grown from stem cells. #StartCrazyConspiracyTheories — Oisín McGann (@OisinMcGann) September 7, 2020
5.
Donald Trump's hair is actually made from vanilla candy floss, spun with his own baby 👐 hands. #StartCrazyConspiracyTheories pic.twitter.com/4X4ABKGqjh — Wayne Daniel (@DanielsonWayne) September 7, 2020
6.
Nigel Farage owns a rubber dinghy factory in Calais and only gets ITV and Sky to film asylum seekers arriving in them for the free advertising.
#StartCrazyConspiracyTheories — MaccaS_Rants (@MaccaS_Rant) September 7, 2020
7.
#StartCrazyConspiracyTheories They wanted us to stay indoors during the lock down because a couple of the lizard people had gone rogue and were hunting human skins to replace Harry & Meghan following their escape. — Tony D (@AntDickinson) September 7, 2020
8.
The recipe for Pringles came from the aliens in the Roswell crash. Aliens can just eat one and stop. Humans, well you know the rest… #StartCrazyConspiracyTheories — Grant McManus (@Gr3ant) September 7, 2020
9.
#StartCrazyConspiracyTheories Bill Gates spent decades driving us crazy with that stupid paperclip, then he ramped things up by making additional empty lines appear when you try to move to the next page on Word. Now he's trying to change our DNA so we hate Apple computers — Will Black (@WillBlackWriter) September 7, 2020
10.
#StartCrazyConspiracyTheories Dominic Cummings has not been seen alive since he was buried at sea off the Scottish coast, following a short holiday with Boris and Carrie that ended tragically in a fight to the death over paternity. — COLIN ALSTON (@COLINALSTON1) September 7, 2020
11.
HP Lovecraft wrote 16 of the Carry On films. Sadly, his magnum opus "Carry on imploding onto a universe of horrors" was never filmed. #StartCrazyConspiracyTheories — Steve la noix de chat (@SteveElGatoLoco) September 7, 2020
12.


thepoke--2020-09-08--Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum performing a duet is the content we all need right now

You could be forgiven for thinking that 2020 was nothing but an enormous bin fire , unless you ’ d @ @ @ @ @ Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum – currently reunited on the set of Jurassic World Dominion @ @ @ @ @ hurt you ?
This is certainly a unique version of the Frank Ifield hit ‘ @ @ @ @ @ it will do your heart good to hear it , while not being a hundred @ @ @ @ @ ears .
We ’ re very happy to see Sam finally has a bandmate after @ @ @ @ @ , like this .
People loved the stars ’ duet , and these reactions made @ @ @ @ @ their encore .
Sam Neill ’ s quarantine updates have made us love him even @

Videos
You could be forgiven for thinking that 2020 was nothing but an enormous bin fire, unless you’d already seen this clip of Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum – currently reunited on the set of Jurassic World Dominion – in which case …who hurt you?
This is certainly a unique version of the Frank Ifield hit ‘I Remember You’ and it will do your heart good to hear it, while not being a hundred per cent friendly to your ears.
We’re very happy to see Sam finally has a bandmate after all his lockdown solo performances, like this.
SELF ISOLATION . Thought I’d pick up a uke after all this time and sing something cheerful. I can only apologise … pic.twitter.com/D0j7chfKb0 — Sam Neill (@TwoPaddocks) March 20, 2020
People loved the stars’ duet, and these reactions made us smile.
This week just gets better and BETTER. Two of my favourite ls right here. https://t.co/KmeNnyURk9 — Taika Waititi (@TaikaWaititi) September 7, 2020
Would honestly be happy if Jurassic World 3 was just two hours of this (with Laura Dern, of course). And then there's a bit with a dinosaur at the end. https://t.co/dOQOTXyEWF — Chris Hewitt (@ChrisHewitt) September 7, 2020
This is pornography, to me https://t.co/5qna6HNUyJ — Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) September 7, 2020
I love this. I love it so much. https://t.co/XeS1QGeZ3n — Ryan Connolly (@ryan_connolly) September 7, 2020
This was their encore.
READ MORE
Sam Neill’s quarantine updates have made us love him even more
Source Sam Neill Image Sam Neill


thepoke--2020-09-08--“Brexit deal never made sense” says Boris Johnson – 12 oven-ready comebacks

Hot on the heals of telling us that a no-deal Brexit would be good for the country , Boris Johnson @ @ @ @ @ wanting to trash the agreement he signed in January .
To be fair , a @ @ @ @ @ didn ’ t make sense at the time , but the words “ Project ” @ @ @ @ @ bandied about .
The Telegraph ’ s front page didn ’ t get people talking @ @ @ @ @ that – but it focused their minds .

Twitter
Hot on the heals of telling us that a no-deal Brexit would be good for the country, Boris Johnson has voiced his reason for wanting to trash the agreement he signed in January.
Tomorrow’s Telegraph front page: “Brexit deal never made sense, PM to tell EU”#TomorrowsPapersToday Read more: https://t.co/tjRohk5Cj5 pic.twitter.com/c122VvaTmX — The Telegraph (@Telegraph) September 7, 2020
But ….but …
We’ve got the deal. It’s oven ready. Vote Conservative tomorrow to get Brexit done 🇬🇧 pic.twitter.com/PI31ii5V6k — Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson) December 11, 2019
To be fair, a lot of people said it didn’t make sense at the time, but the words “Project” and “Fear” were bandied about.
The Telegraph’s front page didn’t get people talking – they were already doing that – but it focused their minds.
1.
“Wait until I get my hands on the fucking moron who negotiated it” he added pic.twitter.com/a4Gs8EgT8Q — James Felton (@JimMFelton) September 7, 2020
2.
"You know chums, read a certain way this Withdrawal Agreement thing could almost put an EU customs border inside the ol' United Kingdom." https://t.co/NxiIydKeMm — Dmitry Grozoubinski (@DmitryOpines) September 7, 2020
3.
this is weapons grade revisionism pic.twitter.com/wXnrMyYZmO — Jim Pickard (@PickardJE) September 7, 2020
4.
5.
I always thought there was something stupid about the deal that I agreed, signed, swore was was oven ready and won an election on. pic.twitter.com/LrwxpPQDaX — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) September 7, 2020
6.
Anyone would think our PM and his cabinet were lying weasels. #TomorrowsPapersToday pic.twitter.com/NWmJ1JwHhi — Mike Cameron 🖋 (@mikercameron) September 7, 2020
7.


thepoke--2020-09-08--The government admits its new Brexit bill breaks international law and everyone made the same joke

The government has admitted that a new bill changing the UK ’ s Brexit agreement with the EU will ‘ @ @ @ @ @ Despite telling everyone what a great deal it was when he did it , Boris @ @ @ @ @ it , specifically the special Brexit arrangements it makes for Northern Ireland .
And here @ @ @ @ @ Lewis confirming to the House of Commons that this ‘ does break international law in @ @ @ @ @ way ’ .
And everyone made the same joke .
Well , not everyone .
@ @ @ @ @ this .

Pics
The government has admitted that a new bill changing the UK’s Brexit agreement with the EU will ‘break international law’.
Despite telling everyone what a great deal it was when he did it, Boris Johnson now wants to trash it, specifically the special Brexit arrangements it makes for Northern Ireland.
And here is Northern Ireland secretary Brandon Lewis confirming to the House of Commons that this ‘does break international law in a very specific and limited way’.
🚨 Brandon Lewis confirms the Government will break international law on EU Withdrawal Deal: "Yes, this does break international law in a very specific and limited way". pic.twitter.com/6B8pU5M2cH — Adam Schwarz (@AdamJSchwarz) September 8, 2020
And everyone made the same joke.
"I shot the sheriff – and I shot the deputy in a very specific and limited way." https://t.co/y30QoPuQdN — Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran) September 8, 2020
Killer: Yes, I did slaughter all those people, but in a very specific and limited way. Rebus: Fair enough then, off you go. https://t.co/Gl06yKFmtx — Ian Rankin (@Beathhigh) September 8, 2020
I held him under the water but only in a very specific and limited way. It was just his head, and only for half an hour. His feet didn’t even get wet. — From The Book Nook (@from_nook) September 8, 2020
I break into my neighbours' homes and steal ONLY their breakfast cereals, which breaks the law in a very specific and limited way, so it's fine https://t.co/hKLV1io8sb — Eddie Robson (@EddieRobson) September 8, 2020
Try using that in Court🤣🤣
I know I was doing 200mph on the M1 but only in one lane, your honour 🤣🤣🤣 — Ian Gay (@RealBristolBoy) September 8, 2020
‘Only in one lane, and in a tightly defined and specific way’. 😬😜 — Karen Julia Weddings (@KarenJuliaPhoto) September 8, 2020
I remember when I once bought a bag of Es in a very specific and limited way. https://t.co/ICatpZbNEI — Michael Govern Ready (@mikegove12) September 8, 2020
I was crossing the channel in a dinghy but only in a very specific and limited way. — Ϻıchæl 🍻 ᴯᴿᴵᴺᴳᴏɴᵀᴴᴱᴃᴇᴇʀ 🏴🇸🇪🇨🇦 (@bringonthebeer) September 8, 2020
Off to steal some stuff from the cornershop in a very limited and specific way — Henry Mance (@henrymance) September 8, 2020
'Ah yes I did do some murders but it was only a handful of people and I did it with very environmentally friendly methods.' https://t.co/nQYdPRcThV — Tiernan Douieb (@TiernanDouieb) September 8, 2020
I was speeding officer but only in a very specific and limited way Otherwise known as the Barnard Castle eye test defence strategy — Mark Duffell (@markcduffell) September 8, 2020
https://twitter.com/davemacladd/status/1303313830932553728?s=20
'No, officer, I didn't steal the car – I stole the accelerator pedal. The rest of the car came wilingly when I pressed the pedal down' https://t.co/FJryHnzMZ1 — Toby Earle (@TobyonTV) September 8, 2020
Well, not everyone. Some people were also saying this.
This is one of the most dreadful things I can remember a minister saying at the despatch box. https://t.co/jFLQ6u5nMA — Ian Dunt (@IanDunt) September 8, 2020
Hey @BrandonLewis thanks for the follow. Can you resign please? You're a disgrace. Cheers! https://t.co/RxFhUdaMqY — Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) September 8, 2020
Conservatives:
We are the party of law and order Also conservatives:
It’s crime time, baby https://t.co/Try8MOeF1i — James Felton (@JimMFelton) September 8, 2020
"Breaking international law is very much like making love to a beautiful woman…" pic.twitter.com/IbMIAZn1fH — Ian Martin (@IanMartin) September 8, 2020
Remember kids, the government says you’re OK to break the law, so long as it’s in a specific and limited way…pic.twitter.com/Fri5gwWMsp — Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) September 8, 2020
Hello @Keir_Starmer : You are a lawyer, right? I have a case for you. https://t.co/SwbdoZzfG6 — Taru (@taru_sisko) September 8, 2020
To conclude, this.
1740: Britannia rules the waves.
2020: Britannia waives the rules. — Stig Abell (@StigAbell) September 8, 2020
And this.
You know who stops governments breaking the law in a very specific and limited way? Activist Lawyers. This is why they’re coming for us. — The Secret Barrister (@BarristerSecret) September 8, 2020
READ MORE
“Brexit deal never made sense” says Boris Johnson – 12 oven-ready comebacks
Source @AdamJSchwarz


thepoke--2020-09-08--This German grammar book from 1913 really isn’t messing around

We ’ re grateful to Miranda Jewess – @ mirandajewess on Twitter – for sharing this important discovery , a @ @ @ @ @ which , it ’ s fair to say , really isn ’ t messing around @ @ @ @ @ , well , have a read for yourself .
And it got people sharing similar @ @ @ @ @ German ) .
And not just in German … And there was a PS after @ @ @ @ @ If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem , you will be speaking @ @ @ @ @ of the native English speakers in the world

Twitter
We’re grateful to Miranda Jewess – @mirandajewess on Twitter – for sharing this important discovery, a German grammar book from 1913 which, it’s fair to say, really isn’t messing around.
It went viral because, well, have a read for yourself.
1.
I have just found the best book in the whole world. It is a German grammar book from 1913. Stick with me… A THREAD pic.twitter.com/z3brpD8Wpz — Miranda Jewess (@mirandajewess) September 7, 2020
2.
Children are introduced to the harsh realities that can occur when a father remarries. pic.twitter.com/luJcD5KoPb — Miranda Jewess (@mirandajewess) September 7, 2020
3.
The Teutonic virtue of knowing that sometimes one can be TOO happy. Risky business. pic.twitter.com/2zsPl6AS3j — Miranda Jewess (@mirandajewess) September 7, 2020
4.
The dangers of being too French. Especially when German. pic.twitter.com/8oH7WfjdcI — Miranda Jewess (@mirandajewess) September 7, 2020
5.
6.
And of course, you must be prepared for SUDDEN DEATH. This is so on brand. Love it. pic.twitter.com/FDNs1RFSVH — Miranda Jewess (@mirandajewess) September 7, 2020
7.
1913 was a different time. Pre-Habitat. pic.twitter.com/1wlc9XZfiL — Miranda Jewess (@mirandajewess) September 7, 2020
8.
9.
Wolves have standing in the legal system. pic.twitter.com/k2MO7jVVBn — Miranda Jewess (@mirandajewess) September 7, 2020
10.
No ‘yeah, hopefully I can make it to your party’ for the Germans: pic.twitter.com/Ei0Uyqdh3G — Miranda Jewess (@mirandajewess) September 7, 2020
11.
Put this on my tombstone. pic.twitter.com/hmh6NCjDwQ — Miranda Jewess (@mirandajewess) September 7, 2020
12.
And of course. More death. Never forget that you will die. Probably quite soon. pic.twitter.com/HaUAH4xHws — Miranda Jewess (@mirandajewess) September 7, 2020
And it got people sharing similar examples (and not just German).
It is with a heavy heart that I must report that German textbooks are still at it in 1973. pic.twitter.com/aYTsiNkhbK — edna st vincent mêlée (@vauvauvau) September 7, 2020
And I thought my Duolingo German was quite bleak! pic.twitter.com/kCMjhqjXIp — Ruth Grady (@RuthieGr) September 7, 2020
I took German in college in the early 2000’s and the first big vocab word we learned was “Arbeitslos” or “unemployed” and the first few chapters of our story txt was about a family where the father had lost his job and had to move the family to another city for a lower paying job — John Kelly (@JohnAKelly) September 7, 2020
My German textbook contained the metaphysical essence of German nutrition: "Alles hat Eine Ende, aber ein Wurst hat zwei." (Everything has an end, but a sausage has two) — Chris Lynn (@chris30068) September 7, 2020
And not just in German …
My sister and I found a Dutch phrasebook from the 1970s that had phrases like, “I need to see the doctor regarding an intimate complaint”, and “Excuse me, officer, this man is following me” — C.A. Steed (@CazASteed) September 7, 2020
And there was a PS after it went so viral …
In response to how my notifications have blown up: pic.twitter.com/RJ4vc4CgUG — Miranda Jewess (@mirandajewess) September 8, 2020
READ MORE
If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world
Source @mirandajewess


thepoke--2020-09-09--This video of a gorilla mother dealing with a jealous sibling is a very funny watch

This is just a lovely little video of a gorilla mother dealing with an eldest child who ’ s not @ @ @ @ @ new baby is getting… Brilliant .
And just a few of the things people were @ @ @ @ @ Omg when he ’ s wiping his face so dramatically , like “ how could @ @ @ @ @ ?
I didn ’ t do anything !
” The similarities are amazing.
’ njcatgirl29 @ @ @ @ @ never engage in this type of barbaric activity smacks baby brother in the head.
’ @ @ @ @ @ child go from “ a sweet helpless baby ” to “ it ’ s about @ @ @ @ @ take care of yourself ” than having a newer , younger child.
’ nerbovig

Videos
This is just a lovely little video of a gorilla mother dealing with an eldest child who’s not happy with the attention the new baby is getting…
Brilliant! And just a few of the things people were saying about it.
‘Omg when he’s wiping his face so dramatically, like “how could you do that to me? I didn’t do anything!” The similarities are amazing.’ njcatgirl29 ‘“HOW CAN SHE SPIT???”’ YaketyMax ‘We civilized humans would never engage in this type of barbaric activity … smacks baby brother in the head.’ ThatGuy___YouKnow ‘Nothing makes your child go from “a sweet helpless baby” to “it’s about time you grow up and take care of yourself” than having a newer, younger child.’ nerbovig
READ MORE
‘This dog has perfect diction’
Source Reddit u/Ainsley-Sorsby Imgur


thepoke--2020-09-09--Matt Hancock’s been defending Tony Abbott to Kay Burley again and it’s even worse than last time

You might remember a little while ago health secretary Matt Hancock went viral with his attempts to justify the government @ @ @ @ @ former Australian PM ( and homophobe and misogynist ) Tony Abbott as a trade envoy @ @ @ @ @ been back on the Sky News breakfast show so naturally Burley asked him about it @ @ @ @ @ even worse than last time .
And these are our 4 favourites things people said @ @ @ @ @ Abbott is a homophobe and a misogynist ” – 11 blistering takedowns of Matt Hancock @ @ @

Videos
You might remember a little while ago health secretary Matt Hancock went viral with his attempts to justify to Kay Burley the government’s decision to hire former Australian PM (and homophobe and misogynist) Tony Abbott as a trade envoy.
Well he’s been back on the Sky News breakfast show so naturally Burley asked him about it again. And it went even worse than last time.
Health Sec, @MattHancock: “Tony Abbott’s sister, who is herself homosexual, said those accusations are wrong.” “What about the former Australian PM who said he was a misogynist, should we listen to her?”@MattHancock: “Well I’m not that close to Aus politics”.#KayBurley JJ pic.twitter.com/2w0ljcNITU — Kay Burley (@KayBurley) September 9, 2020
And these are our 4 favourites things people said about that.
Round two of this is arguably even more catastrophic for Hancock than round one. https://t.co/B3XY3LWHbV — Ian Dunt (@IanDunt) September 9, 2020
I'd happily watch a daily series in which Kay Burley quizzes an uncomfortable-looking Matt Hancock about moral contradictions. https://t.co/1In4k9ED7R — Peter Walker (@peterwalker99) September 9, 2020
The way he petulantly smirks when behaving in such an incompetent and immoral manner is quite something pic.twitter.com/hpEpUNL5JY — Nooruddean (@BeardedGenius) September 9, 2020
https://twitter.com/SpillerOfTea/status/1303621073511030785?s=20
READ MORE
“Tony Abbott is a homophobe and a misogynist” – 11 blistering takedowns of Matt Hancock’s response
Source @KayBurley


thepoke--2020-09-09--‘This 30 seconds is enough to justify 10 years of The One Show’

People are loving this clip from BBC1 ’ s The One Show ( stick with us ) .
It ’ @ @ @ @ @ , who you may know from BBC kids ’ show Operation Ouch !
or maybe @ @ @ @ @ To Lose Weight Well .
He ’ s also an occasional guest on The One @ @ @ @ @ happened .
Wait for it , wait for it … Up there with our all-time @ @ @ @ @ Social gatherings of more than 6 people will be banned again in England – 13 @ @ @ @ @

Videos
People are loving this clip from BBC1’s The One Show (stick with us).
It’s Dr Xand van Tulleken, who you may know from BBC kids’ show Operation Ouch! or maybe Channel 4’s How To Lose Weight Well.
He’s also an occasional guest on The One Show and last night this happened. Wait for it, wait for it …
Boom.
This is absolutely the best thing I’ve seen all day. Brilliant delivery. — David Henderson 🏳🌈 🏳🌈 🏳🌈 (@davidlee1980) September 8, 2020
Slipped in seamlessly, just wonderful. — Barbara Urbanowicz 3.5%🇵🇱🇬🇧🇪🇺 (@urbanbarb) September 8, 2020
Nice one Dr @xandvt! 😂 And difficult to measure the levels of relaxedness too. — Owen 🚴✍🌍 (@owenp) September 8, 2020
In short …
This 30 seconds is enough to justify 10 years of The One Show. https://t.co/MvuZlwIQS5 — Russ (@RussInCheshire) September 8, 2020
Up there with our all-time favourite One Show moment.
Mel Brooks was on The One Show and FINALLY said what everyone wants to say about being a guest on The One Show. pic.twitter.com/SjmEdNaVJT — Ryan Love (@RyanJL) September 27, 2017
And here is the good doctor – @xandvt – on Twitter.
READ MORE
Social gatherings of more than 6 people will be banned again in England – 13 responses that say it all
Source Twitter @BrexistentialC


thepoke--2020-09-09--10 of the funniest coronavirus tweets we’ve seen today

With coronavirus cases on a steep rise in England , the government has announced stricter rules about socialising , to @ @ @ @ @ meaning no more than six people can assemble indoors or out apart from in specific @ @ @ @ @ lockdown ” is just one pandemic topic on people ’ s minds .
Want to @ @ @ @ @ ?
Do it via these 10 funny comments

Twitter
With coronavirus cases on a steep rise in England, the government has announced stricter rules about socialising, to come in from Monday, meaning no more than six people can assemble indoors or out apart from in specific circumstances.
The “second lockdown” is just one pandemic topic on people’s minds.
1.
“They promised there wouldn’t be a second lockdown” pic.twitter.com/HGyqeOcr0w — Parker (@panoparker) September 9, 2020
2.
I can't believe the government's plan of keeping cases down by telling us to go back to work and eat at restaurants as much as possible hasn't worked. https://t.co/VxQaPS3XYM — Adam Kay (@amateuradam) September 7, 2020
3.
I haven't relaxed since about 2003, so none of this is on me. pic.twitter.com/igK497CbpD — Sam Whyte (@SamWhyte) September 9, 2020
4.
U.K. Government reveal updated lockdown restrictions pic.twitter.com/TlcW6n9aUB — Cheish (@TheCheish) September 6, 2020
5.
My wife caught me looking at the most disgusting thing ever on the internet last night.
My Just Eat order history. #lockdown #eating #Covid_19 — Ben Turner Comedian (@benturnercomedy) September 4, 2020
6.
The way things are going the only reason we will be allowed to go abroad will be for a COVID-19 test. — Ian Hyland (@HylandIan) September 8, 2020
7.
every comedian doing their first in-person gig after lockdown pic.twitter.com/PsZ6T9oLS6 — Zoë Tomalin (@ZoeTomalin) September 3, 2020
8.
Those driving around Durham testing their eyesight however are unaffected. https://t.co/0MTe67mFOV — Paul (@bingowings14) September 9, 2020
9.
Banksy strikes again pic.twitter.com/HMYNN3rP9K — mnrrntt2 and 40 others (@mnrrntt) September 7, 2020
10.
Government adds seven Greek islands to UK quarantine list, which can be relaxed on an individual basis depending on where Stanley Johnson is staying at the time. — Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) September 8, 2020
READ MORE
Want to catch up on coronavirus news? Do it via these 10 funny comments
Image @mnrrntt


thepoke--2020-09-09--Social gatherings of more than 6 people will be banned again in England – 13 responses that say it a

Social gatherings of more than 6 people will be banned again in England – 13 responses that say it all

The prospect of a full-scale second lockdown appeared to edge closer after the government said it was banning social gatherings @ @ @ @ @ in England from Monday .
The law change , enforceable by police with a fine @ @ @ @ @ bans larger groups meeting anywhere socially indoors or out , but doesn ’ t apply @ @ @ @ @ organised team sports , that kind of thing .
“ One of the pieces of @ @ @ @ @ the police was that we needed the rules to be super simple so that everybody @ @ @ @ @ ” said so-called health secretary att Hancock .
Well , there ’ s simple and @ @ @ @ @ .
And here are our favourite things people said in response .
And just in @ @ @ @ @ in any doubt … 19 things people thought were normal because their families did them

Twitter
The prospect of a full-scale second lockdown appeared to edge closer after the government said it was banning social gatherings of more than 6 people in England from Monday.
The law change, enforceable by police with a fine of up to £3,200, bans larger groups meeting anywhere socially indoors or out, but doesn’t apply to schools, workplaces, organised team sports, that kind of thing.
Social gatherings of more than six people to be banned by law in England from Monday, amid rise in coronavirus cases https://t.co/zOnxrsA3eo — BBC Breaking News (@BBCBreaking) September 8, 2020
“One of the pieces of feedback we had including from the police was that we needed the rules to be super simple so that everybody knows what they are,” said so-called health secretary Matt Hancock.
And here’s exactly what people made of that.
1.
This government. I’m no expert, but it occurs to me that announcing a ban on public gatherings of more than six only a week after telling people to get back to schools and open-plan offices and on the same day as saying you’re going to break international law may not go well — Samuel West (@exitthelemming) September 9, 2020
2.
so gatherings of more than six people are now illegal, but you can go to the pub maskless with five other people and breathe fifty other people's air and that's fine, and schools—where social distancing is impossible—are exempt, and two plus two equals a fucking radish — Lex Croucher (@lexcanroar) September 8, 2020
3.
Go to a train station with hundreds of people, get on the train with dozens of people, to go to an office with dozens of people, but if you dare see more than six friends or family you will be fined upwards of £100. A truly Tory dystopia. — Lewis (@ivelostlewis) September 9, 2020
4.
So C19 is less dangerous for people in groups if they are making or spending money? Cash seems to have a strong antiviral effect. Maybe thread some elastic through a £20 note and wear that over your face? — Joel Morris (@gralefrit) September 9, 2020
5.
a lot of big chat on here from people i KNOW don't have six friends — Joel Golby (@joelgolby) September 8, 2020
6.
the government are making it so you can’t meet up in groups bigger than six but are happily reopening schools where people are put into classrooms of 30+? still fucking baffles me that anyone can defend this clueless government — inabber (@iNabber69) September 8, 2020
7.
Tory guidelines for Covid19: Goose orgies are restricted to 4 people & 1 goose.
It's illegal to throw a shoe during Homes Under the Hammer.
Punching a delicious cake is forbidden!
People who know all the lyrics to Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire can go backpacking in Peru — joe heenan (@joeheenan) September 9, 2020
8.
I guess workplaces and schools are magically immune to the virus. https://t.co/32OBNdrtAO — Jonathan Pie (@JonathanPieNews) September 9, 2020
9.
We need to organise the Festival of Brexit quickly. With our new social distancing rules, now is the perfect time to host an event that will only attract six people. — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) September 9, 2020
10.
hate to say it, but why are schools of 2000+ kids still open if six people is unsafe to gather https://t.co/FYPXreEpnQ — Eve Cornwell (@Evecornwell) September 8, 2020
11.
now you can drive to Barnard Castle to test your eyesight but you can only have five mates on the back seat, hope that’s clear now — Jim Pickard (@PickardJE) September 8, 2020
12.
Am I the only person who sees a small contradiction between the Government's "Do not gather with more than six people!" and "Go back to work!" messages this morning. — (((Dan Hodges))) (@DPJHodges) September 9, 2020
13.
Won't someone think of the dogging community? — John Rain (@MrKenShabby) September 8, 2020
To conclude …
Things England can't do from Monday … Have an S Club 7 reunion
Throw Snow White a birthday party without offending a couple of people
Attend netball practice
Make an agreement under international law without breaking it pic.twitter.com/USmphiqRA5 — The Poke (@ThePoke) September 9, 2020
And this.
Remember, from Monday, if you attend a social gathering of more than 6 people you will be breaking the law. Unless you do it in a very limited and specific way. — David Schneider (@davidschneider) September 8, 2020
And just in case anyone’s still in any doubt …
Stay at home go to work go to the pub you shouldn’t have gone to the pub just relax and go out no you relaxed too much get tested even if you don’t have symptoms don’t get tested if you don’t have symptoms we have run out of tests because you tried to get tested go to school no d — Katy Brand (@KatyFBrand) September 9, 2020
READ MORE
19 things people thought were normal because their families did them


thepoke--2020-09-09--19 things people thought were normal because their families did them

Families are micro-societies and , as such , have their own customs and sometimes even their own language – on @ @ @ @ @ Nicole Cliffe put out a call for examples of things people thought were normal because @ @ @ @ @ She had an example from her own household .
Last time we checked , there @ @ @ @ @ , so we ’ ve barely scraped the surface , but we highly recommend you @ @ @ @ @ – after you read our favourites .

Twitter
Families are micro-societies and, as such, have their own customs and sometimes even their own language – on a small scale.
Writer Nicole Cliffe put out a call for examples of things people thought were normal because their families did them.
If you normalized something (non-awful) because your family did it and then realized it was not, in fact, normal or remotely common, I would love to hear about it. — Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) September 7, 2020
She had an example from her own household.
Our kids can say “Dad trained us to say ‘yes sir how high sir’ when he made a harrumph noise, as a joke, but honestly we always just did what we wanted bc he’s a colossal sucker.” — Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) September 8, 2020
Last time we checked, there were more than 4.5k replies, so we’ve barely scraped the surface, but we highly recommend you take a look for yourself – after you read our favourites.
1.
Drinking milk coke, was told it was a brummie thing by my dad, but it turned out it is Not A Brummie Thing. — James Felton (@JimMFelton) September 8, 2020
2.
My mom would make up the absolute wackiest nicknames for me. It got to the point where she would just say something nonsense and I would respond knowing that it was a new nickname. It was normal for me, but then I realized I never heard anyone else nickname their kids that wildly https://t.co/1BVaTy0fpg — Grace Segers (@Grace_Segers) September 7, 2020
3.
On Christmas morning my family took turns opening gifts. Even when we were young kids we still opened one gift per round, youngest to oldest. To this day when I’m around people opening holiday gifts all at once I feel such anxiety! — Jada A Graves (@jadaagraves) September 7, 2020
4.
Answering, "Up your butt." whenever someone asks where something is or where they left something. — gin. (@showupforthis) September 7, 2020
5.
my parents had a secret stash of dry goods in case the Rapture happened also we weren't allowed to watch the Smurfs because it was communist — Cora Linehan (@CoraLinehan) September 8, 2020
6.
My mom couldn't brng herself 2 say "vagina" – so she'd call it an "area." E.g. wash ur area. next thing u know I'm in 4th grade math n we're finding the area. I *lost* it in class. I mean, imagine your 4th grade teach telling the class how 2 find their dicks. No one understood. — Forky (@Krow07100473) September 8, 2020
7.
My family has a Generalissimo Francisco Franco Christmas ornament, and every year when we trim the tree, whoever unpacks that ornament yells "The Chubby Guy!" and puts it on the tree. We also play Twisted Christmas albums and I legit don't know the real words to some carols. — Alice is Staying Home and You Should Too (@AliSayNew) September 7, 2020
8.
My mom explained that we didn’t do particular activities because “Jews don’t ski” and “Jews don’t sail” and “Jews don’t bowl” – there was a very long list of things Jews don’t do. — ⭐bex schwartz (@starbex) September 7, 2020
9.
my parents are from Croatia & every time we'd go back to the old country for a visit the whole family would get new tracksuits. The plane was always full of Slavs so I thought everyone had to wear tracksuits while flying until I got to high school — Rebecks 🐐 (@ozzthegr8) September 7, 2020
10.


thepoke--2020-09-09--Smash Mouth’s All Star “sung” by film characters is the deep fake you didn’t know you needed

Smash Mouth ’ s All Star has been given the deep fake treatment by YouTuber Jonty Pressinger – or ontyj @ @ @ @ @ these film characters you recognise .
We may not have asked for it , but @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve got it .
This Back to the Future deep fake with Tom Holland @ @ @ @ @ a deeply weird and unsettling watch

Videos
Smash Mouth’s All Star has been given the deep fake treatment by YouTuber Jonty Pressinger – or ontyj.
See how many of these film characters you recognise.
We may not have asked for it, but we’re glad we’ve got it.
READ MORE
This Back to the Future deep fake with Tom Holland and Robert Downey Jr is a deeply weird and unsettling watch
Source ontyj Image Screengrab


thepoke--2020-09-09--These 10 misused quotation marks give their messages a very suspicious air

Quotation marks can be used to convey somebody ’ s exact words , but they also serve to imply “ @ @ @ @ @ Tony Abbott , “ trade expert ” .
The r/SuspiciousQuotes subreddit is packed with examples @ @ @ @ @ quotation marks are for , rendering the things they write highly suspicious .
Here are @ @ @ @ @ moment .
1 .
What kind of hotel is this ?
4 .
How old @ @ @ @ @ ?
9 .
Please do not pretend to use the hand sanitiser 13 times misused @ @ @ @ @ ( and sometimes scarier ) than strictly necessary

Pics
Quotation marks can be used to convey somebody’s exact words, but they also serve to imply “so-called”, as in Tony Abbott, “trade expert”.
The r/SuspiciousQuotes subreddit is packed with examples of people not understanding what quotation marks are for, rendering the things they write highly suspicious.
Here are our top ten at the moment.
1. What kind of hotel is this?
Via
2. It’s definitely real
Via
3. That’s a bit harsh, Grandma
Via
4. How old is the pizza, then?
Via
5. Family secrets
Via
6. Family secrets – part 2
Via
7. Defund the “Professional Law Enforcement”
Via
8. Wait – is it a bucket?
Via
9. Please do not pretend to use the hand sanitiser
Via
10. Totally clear
Via
Bonus: “You’re welcome!”
Via
READ MORE
13 times misused quotation marks made things funnier (and sometimes scarier) than strictly necessary
Source r/SuspiciousQuotes Image r/SuspiciousQuotes, kellysikkema on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-09-09--This supercut of Boris Johnson praising the Brexit deal is now super awkward

In light of Boris Johnson savaging the UK ’ s withdrawal agreement with the EU , New European columnist James @ @ @ @ @ – not a spelling error – of the Prime Minister , compiled by @ AndrejNkv @ @ @ @ @ the hilt .
Just a 2:07 super cut of Boris Johnson saying how absolutely fantastic @ @ @ @ @ pic.twitter.com/fllZTz9UwO This 2 minute video hangs Boris Johnson 's stance on the Withdrawal Agreement by @ @ @ @ @ he was lying many , many , many , many times then… or he 's @ @ @ @ @ //t.co/eA21a7zi5w

In light of Boris Johnson savaging the UK’s withdrawal agreement with the EU, New European columnist James Ball has shared this supercut – not a spelling error – of the Prime Minister, compiled by @AndrejNkv, praising the deal to the hilt.
Cringe at your leisure.
Just a 2:07 super cut of Boris Johnson saying how absolutely fantastic the withdrawal agreement is. pic.twitter.com/fllZTz9UwO
In short …
This 2 minute video hangs Boris Johnson's stance on the Withdrawal Agreement by his own words.
Either he was lying many, many, many, many times then… or he's lying now. https://t.co/eA21a7zi5w
— Edwin Hayward 🦄 🗡 (@uk_domain_names) September 8, 2020