thepoke--2020-05-13--Gary Lineker’s tale of golfing with Michael Jordan (and Samuel L Jackson) is the distraction we need

Gary Lineker’s tale of golfing with Michael Jordan (and Samuel L Jackson) is the distraction we needed today

Gary Lineker ’ s not quite as busy as he used to be , what with no live sport or @ @ @ @ @ he thought he ’ d share this story of the time he went golfing with @ @ @ @ @ ’ re very glad he did because it ’ s exactly this sort of distraction @ @ @ @ @ now .
The Match of the Day man was reminded of the tale after watching @ @ @ @ @ .
Anyway , over to Lineker … Although the oddest thing about the story was @ @ @ @ @ queued up to tell him they didn ’ t ask for it .
People like @ @ @ @ @ Although it ’ s Twitter , so maybe that ’ s not odd at all @ @ @ @ @ on telly to watch Gary Lineker sent this marble race wildly viral

Pics
Gary Lineker’s not quite as busy as he used to be, what with no live sport or anything like that, so he thought he’d share this story of the time he went golfing with Michael Jordan.
And we’re very glad he did because it’s exactly this sort of distraction we could do with right now.
The Match of the Day man was reminded of the tale after watching basketball documentary The Last Dance. Anyway, over to Lineker …
I just watched episode 8 of the wonderful The Last Dance. Thought I’d share the story of the day I played golf with Michael Jordan. It was a Thursday night & I got a call from my agent. He said “I’ve had Michael Jordan’s people on the phone and he wants to play at Sunningdale.” — Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) May 12, 2020
I was a member so he thought I could help. He said “There’s 3 of them: Michael and 2 of his basketball friends and they want to play on Sunday.” I said “if it’s a Sunday they can’t play without a member, but I can host them ( too fucking right, I could). — Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) May 12, 2020
So Saturday night I get call from my agent, “There’s now 6 of them, 2 more friends and Samuel L Jackson.“ “Shit, I’ll need to find another member to play with the other 3. I’ll call my friend, Queeny ( former European tour player and Sunningdale member), I’m sure he’ll help.” — Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) May 12, 2020
Thankfully he was free and available. I turned up at 8.30am. Keith, the club pro said “Your guests have arrived, they’re on the putting green.” There they were, 6 of them, 5 giant basketball players and Samuel L Jackson ambling around, putting and smoking cigars. — Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) May 12, 2020
The observing, quintessentially white elderly members were wide-eyed. We introduced ourselves and headed to the 1st tee. Now my mate Queeny liked a bet on the golf course and was a bit of a hustler. So we’re all stood there and Queeny says in his slightly posh voice…. — Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) May 12, 2020
“So Michael would you like bet, a little wager?” Michael says “Sure, man.” Queeny says “ So how much would you like to play for?” Michael puffs on his cigar, looks straight at him, smiles and says “Whatever makes you feel uncomfortable, man.”
Mr Jordan had already won the day. — Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) May 12, 2020
One question remained.
But what was the bet and who won it, Gary? We all need to know! — Alex Chaffer (@AlexChaffer) May 12, 2020
https://twitter.com/GaryLineker/status/1260304439027646468?s=20
Although the oddest thing about the story was the number of people who queued up to tell him they didn’t ask for it. People like this, for instance.
don’t think anyone asked Gary — george*🧢 (@fucksakegeo) May 12, 2020
Although it’s Twitter, so maybe that’s not odd at all.
Man tweets story. Gets told by people who follow him that they don't care. It's a strange world. — Paul Brown (@RealPaul8rown) May 12, 2020
More please, Gary!
Took about a thousand takes to do this clip. Everytime the water spurted from Gazza’s eyes we just got the giggles…couldn’t stop. Tears of laughter. 😂😂😂 https://t.co/vA9R23GfdG — Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) May 13, 2020
READ MORE
With no other sport on telly to watch Gary Lineker sent this marble race wildly viral
Source @GaryLineker


thepoke--2020-05-15--The mounting fury of this person demanding a portrait for free is quite the draw

Choosing beggar of the week is this person who really wanted a portrait for free and got really , really @ @ @ @ @ initially ) refused .
‘ Guy demands an artist draw a portrait of him and @ @ @ @ @ threatens to report the artist to the police if they don ’ t .
The @ @ @ @ @ , ’ says u/unnaturalorder over on Reddit .
I hope he knows that it ’ @ @ @ @ @ drawings … ’ mimimercury ‘ IF YOU ARE NOT REGISTERED ’ imhereforthevotes This guy got @ @ @ @ @ was ‘ collection only ’ and his fury is something to behold

Weird World
Choosing beggar of the week is this person who really wanted a portrait for free and got really, really angry when the artist (initially) refused.
‘Guy demands an artist draw a portrait of him and his wife for free and threatens to report the artist to the police if they don’t. The artist decides to humour them,’ says u/unnaturalorder over on Reddit.
I hope he knows that it’s not Illegal to sell drawings …’ mimimercury ‘IF YOU ARE NOT REGISTERED’ imhereforthevotes
READ MORE
This guy got mad because a £5 bag was ‘collection only’ and his fury is something to behold
Source Reddit u/unnaturalorder


thepoke--2020-05-15--Trump’s weird take on testing has had the perfect lip-synch treatment

Donald Trump has decided that it isn ’ t the amount of cases a country has that matters , but @ @ @ @ @ about them .
His nonsensical claim has fallen under the scrutiny of comedian Sarah Cooper @ @ @ @ @ her Trump lip-synchs right out of the park .
We can ’ t say fairer @ @ @ @ @ thinks testing increases cases of Covid-19 – the only 5 scathing takedowns you need to @

Videos
Donald Trump has decided that it isn’t the amount of cases a country has that matters, but whether or not they know about them.
from Barack Obama GIFs via Gfycat
His nonsensical claim has fallen under the scrutiny of comedian Sarah Cooper, who has been smashing her Trump lip-synchs right out of the park.
How to more cases than anybody in the world pic.twitter.com/VA9bPJiQ6i — Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) May 15, 2020
We can’t say fairer than this:
READ MORE
Donald Trump thinks testing increases cases of Covid-19 – the only 5 scathing takedowns you need to read
Source Sarah Cooper Image MSNBC , Sarah Cooper


thepoke--2020-05-15--How Alex Jones’ conspiracy theories have escalated in 4 easy steps

A 4-step guide now to how Alex Jones ’ conspiracy theories have evolved – probably not entirely the right word @ @ @ @ @ ‘ Well that escalated quickly , ’ says u/backyard_space over on Reddit .
Fortunately we @ @ @ @ @ much from Jones since he was booted off various social media platforms , so that @ @ @ @ @ way the world is getting better .
Presumably he ’ s been spending more time @ @ @

Pics
A 4-step guide now to how Alex Jones’ conspiracy theories have evolved – probably not entirely the right word – over the years.
‘Well that escalated quickly,’ says u/backyard_space over on Reddit.
Fortunately we don’t hear so much from Jones since he was booted off various social media platforms, so that’s at least one way the world is getting better.
Presumably he’s been spending some of that spare time he’s now got chatting to Alexa. Remember this?
I'm crying laughing…
"Alexa… are you connected to the CIA?"
"Alexa… you are lying to me." – Alex Jones' hard hitting back and forth interview with an Amazon Echo.
He's not gonna let it get away with ANYTHING. pic.twitter.com/GxguDBLMST — Tim Young (@TimRunsHisMouth) December 9, 2017
READ MORE
A totally insane montage of Alex Jones
Source Reddit u/backyard_space


thepoke--2020-05-15--Charlie Brooker’s description of Matt Hancock will never be beaten

There was lots to enjoy about the return of Charlie Brooker to our screens last night with his Antiviralwipe ( @ @ @ @ @ here ) .
Like for instance this bit about Boris Johnson shaking hands .
But @ @ @ @ @ there were lots of best bits – was this description of Matt Hancock which will @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s fair to say Hugh Grant wasn ’ t impressed by Matt Hancock @ @ @ @ @ 12 seconds on This Morning

Twitter
There was lots to enjoy about the return of Charlie Brooker to our screens last night with his Antiviral Wipe (and you can watch it here).
Like for instance this bit about Boris Johnson shaking hands.
And this is why Charlie Brooker is important. Because it’s not funny at all. #AntiviralWipe pic.twitter.com/d7eq1qpMCh — Gareth is not going out (@GMLmusic) May 15, 2020
But the best bit – to be fair, there were lots of best bits – was this description of Matt Hancock which will surely never be beaten.
"Your sister's first boyfriend with a car" – such a brilliant description of Matt Hancock #AntiviralWipe — David Baddiel (@Baddiel) May 14, 2020
https://twitter.com/elliot_gonzalez/status/1261025885576065024?s=20
https://twitter.com/jocrowscott/status/1261197358982926336?s=20
Apprentice finalist
Eastenders baddie
Estate agent boy #AntiviralWipe pic.twitter.com/aFk8ja43gT — Max Bevis (@MaxBevis) May 14, 2020
This one also goes by Peter Pan-demic or “your sister’s first boyfriend with a car” #AntiviralWipe pic.twitter.com/iIsj0fR0w9 — Max Bevis (@MaxBevis) May 15, 2020
Peter Pandemic: your sister's first boyfriend who had a car.
The country's missed you @charltonbrooker#antiviralwipe pic.twitter.com/rdh6tk8GuO — Dr Racheal (@DrRacheal) May 14, 2020
And as @scottygb pointed out, the closing credits were a sign of the very unusual times we’re living in.
(via @scottygb)
To conclude …
Charlie Brooker's #AntiviralWipe was absolutely terrific. Funny, thought-provoking, beautifully made. Congrats to the whole gang. — Richard Osman (@richardosman) May 14, 2020
Watch Charlie Brooker’s Antiviral Wipe here.
READ MORE
It’s fair to say Hugh Grant wasn’t impressed by Matt Hancock’s ‘bonkers’ 12 seconds on This Morning


thepoke--2020-05-15--Donald Trump thinks testing increases cases of Covid-19 – the only 5 scathing takedowns you need to

Donald Trump thinks testing increases cases of Covid-19 – the only 5 scathing takedowns you need to read

Just when you think Donald Trump has said the most outrageous thing ever , he just ups his game – @ @ @ @ @ content with suggesting people be treated for Covid-19 with bleach , he ’ s now @ @ @ @ @ on *checks notes* too much testing .
Here are the only kinds of reactions to @ @ @ @ @ .
Donald Trump had a meltdown after he was challenged by two women reporters – @ @ @ @ @

Twitter
Just when you think Donald Trump has said the most outrageous thing ever, he just ups his game – or lowers it.
Not content with suggesting people be treated for Covid-19 with bleach, he’s now blaming the number of cases on *checks notes* too much testing.
TRUMP: "When you test, you have a case. When you test, you find something is wrong with people. If we didn't do any testing we would have very few cases." pic.twitter.com/tEX1uXQbmp — Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) May 14, 2020
Wut?
Here are the only kinds of reactions to that which make any sense.
1.
"If we didn't do any testing we would have very few cases"
In light of Donald Trump's new scientific breakthrough, our new strategy to eradicate #COVID19 will be to stop all testing. pic.twitter.com/2JNnpSrGoP — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) May 15, 2020
2.
If women don't take pregnancy tests, they can't get pregnant.https://t.co/nYlSzQeNH4 — Tea Pain (@TeaPainUSA) May 14, 2020
3.
Trump says, "If we didn't do any testing we would have very few cases." I once lived in an apartment in which if I didn't turn on the lights I had very few cockroaches.https://t.co/LT8uoDCi7C — Koplowow (@bmkoplow5) May 14, 2020
4.
Trump: “if we didn’t test we’d have very few cases.” (And if you don’t get on a scale, you can’t gain weight!) https://t.co/lVJci6KTBY via @politico — Jane Mayer (@JaneMayerNYer) May 15, 2020
5.
It's only if you check for a pulse, and find no pulse, that the person is dead. So if you don't check for a pulse, they aren't dead. Think about it… #TrumpIsAnIdiot — Sun Shines Brightly (@herointheend) May 14, 2020
In conclusion,
It is still breathtaking to realize how stupid the President of the United States really is https://t.co/fgry3gniBF — Tom Nichols (@RadioFreeTom) May 14, 2020
READ MORE
Donald Trump had a meltdown after he was challenged by two women reporters – only 5 responses you need
Source @ATRupar Image Sky News screengrab


thepoke--2020-05-15--This peer left his mute button on during a Lords video meeting and it’s a very funny watch

We ’ ve all been there , accidentally leaving the mute button on during one of those ever increasing number @ @ @ @ @ yourself doing very week .
Except not all of us do it in such style @ @ @ @ @ not all of us are being broadcast to the nation .
Haha .
We could @ @ @ @ @ for ours .
In fact , we are .
It IS !
And it ’ @ @ @ @ @ the Lords have had a few problems doing this sort of thing .
Top 10 @ @ @ @ @ of that Zoom meeting

Videos
We’ve all been there, accidentally leaving the mute button on during one of those ever increasing number of video calls you find yourself doing very week.
Except not all of us do it in such style as Lord Liddle. And not all of us are being broadcast to the nation.
This has set me off 😂😂😂 “LORD LIDDLE” pic.twitter.com/VikFozeKDk — Richard Wheeler (@richard_kaputt) May 14, 2020
Haha. We could watch that on a loop for ours. In fact, we are.
Why is this making me laugh so much — Emily Ashton (@elashton) May 14, 2020
😅 I was in tears… and I’m not sure why either. Maybe the lack of entertainment is catching up with us — Richard Wheeler (@richard_kaputt) May 14, 2020
The new Fenton. https://t.co/KwAhbyg0a0 — John Rain CBE (@MrKenShabby) May 14, 2020
It IS! And it’s not the first time the Lords have had a few problems doing this sort of thing.
I fear the Daleks may be trying to infiltrate the House of Lords… pic.twitter.com/PgnDZTAnJT — Richard Wheeler (@richard_kaputt) May 14, 2020
READ MORE
Top 10 excuses to get you out of that Zoom meeting
Source @richard_kaputt


thepoke--2020-05-15--There’s a reason why this dancer’s Tina Turner act has gone viral – see for yourself

Remember when lockdown started and people were wittering on about Shakespeare writing King Lear during a quarantine ?
Well , @ @ @ @ @ are ahead of the rest of us in the lockdown creativity stakes .
The energetic @ @ @ @ @ and model , Austyn Farrell , from this TikTok video , which has almost a @ @ @ @ @ on Tik Tok alone , plus millions more via various tweets .
His amazing performance @ @ @ @ @ , and probably his neighbours too .
Here ’ s just a taste of the @ @ @ @ @ in his direction .
The clip even caught the eye of world-famous drag queen , @ @ @ @ @ comment on Austyn ’ s carefree use of the street as a stage .
She @ @ @ @ @ course , but an act like this stops the traffic .
This hilarious self-isolation dance @ @ @ @ @

Videos
Remember when lockdown started and people were wittering on about Shakespeare writing King Lear during a quarantine? Well, it looks like some people are ahead of the rest of us in the lockdown creativity stakes.
This is what people meant when they said great art would come out of the hardship of the pandemic pic.twitter.com/TUoUaR6Fjx — Mike Tague (@rhymeswithbeg) May 12, 2020
The energetic and joyous performance features dancer and model, Austyn Farrell, from this TikTok video, which has almost a quarter of a million views on Tik Tok alone, plus millions more via various tweets.
His amazing performance has been delighting the internet, and probably his neighbours too.
Here’s just a taste of the love that has been sent in his direction.
day 59 of quarantine pic.twitter.com/0cwSh39rkI — tyler oakley (@tyleroakley) May 12, 2020
Everyone needs a @austynfarrell92 in their neighbourhood. Just brilliant 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Thank you for being you 🙏💖 https://t.co/efLaui30Uq — Shannon Lea (@TheRealShannonL) May 14, 2020
Simply The Best @austynfarrell92 !! Get this boy his own TV Show!!! https://t.co/uuf9gjgvH5 — Dincwear Official (@Dincwear_Dance) May 12, 2020
The clip even caught the eye of world-famous drag queen, Shangela, who had this comment on Austyn’s carefree use of the street as a stage.
Quarantina Turner y’all! 🤣 she ain’t worried bout traffic cuz there ain’t none! https://t.co/HxGFp6SrXr — Shangela (@itsSHANGELA) May 12, 2020
She’s right, of course, but an act like this stops the traffic.
READ MORE
This hilarious self-isolation dance tutorial just made our week
Source Austyn Farrell Image Austyn Farrell


thepoke--2020-05-15--This information about an eco-friendly burial option wasn’t as useful as it first seemed

Funny tweeter , Sir Michael , had some important information about an unusual burial option – but it wasn ’ @ @ @ @ @ were looking for .
It did say it turns your loved ones into trees .
@ @ @ @ @ even more than it had irritated Facebook .
Talented puppet maker , Duncan Willis , @ @ @ @ @ own about a tree .
At least it doesn ’ t look like Michael ’ @ @ @ @ @ said what we were thinking .
This idea to keep the kids busy gets more @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a very funny read

Twitter
Funny tweeter, Sir Michael, had some important information about an unusual burial option – but it wasn’t the information these Facebookers were looking for.
I would NOT recommend this option of burial 👎 pic.twitter.com/0tZPbr4oYQ — Sir Michael (@Michael1979) May 13, 2020
It did say it turns your loved ones into trees. His wholesome trolling delighted Twitter even more than it had irritated Facebook.
Oh God this made me laugh. https://t.co/ETQeQVPzho — Toby Whithouse (@TobyWhithouse) May 14, 2020
I've read this about fifty times now, and not once has it not completely broken me… 🤦♂😂😂😂 https://t.co/vsDiQ1rme4 — Reverse Leg Sweep (@reverselegsweep) May 14, 2020
Look, I know you guys aren't here for my sense of humour, but this is art. There is no other word for it. There is also a lot of similar art on this timeline if you are bored in lockdown. https://t.co/F0vfNOX8lj — Tim Behrens (@behrenstimb) May 14, 2020
There were important questions.
This one.
What did ye call the tree ? — Mark Corboy 🇮🇪🇳🇬 (@corboymarcus) May 13, 2020
Brian — Sir Michael (@Michael1979) May 13, 2020
And this.
Is this your grand dad? pic.twitter.com/2g8u7Mob2m — banojyotsna (@banojyotsna) May 14, 2020
No, Grandad's knee is a little lower — Sir Michael (@Michael1979) May 14, 2020
Talented puppet maker, Duncan Willis, had some information of his own about a tree.
I have a Family Tree that my dead father drew up (when he was alive, obvs.). There are lots of dead people in my Family Tree, and I swear, if you hold it at arms length and squint at it like you did with those Magic Eye pictures you can see a picture of a kitten. — Duncan Willis (@Superproprep) May 13, 2020
At least it doesn’t look like Michael’s grandfather.
Dan Kaszeta said what we were thinking.
If you aren't following Sir Michael, you are losing out in life. https://t.co/o4MdNHxOhZ — Dan Kaszeta (@DanKaszeta) May 14, 2020
READ MORE
This idea to keep the kids busy gets more and more confusing and it’s a very funny read
Source Sir Michael Image Sir Michael Deyan Kossev via banojyotsna


thepoke--2020-05-15--The Daily Mail front page about teachers must try harder – the only 7 responses you need

With the new slogan of “ Stay Alert ” replacing “ Stay Home ” , the narrative has shifted towards @ @ @ @ @ means reopening schools .
Many teachers , and others , have serious misgivings , but @ @ @ @ @ Friday front page used the language of war they love so much to persuade their @ @ @ @ @ .
The stance wasn ’ t a popular one .
These reactions show why .
@ @ @ @ @ Germany ’ s response to Covid-19 is peak Daily Mail

News
With the new slogan of “Stay Alert” replacing “Stay Home”, the narrative has shifted towards boosting the economy, which means reopening schools.
Many teachers, and others, have serious misgivings, but the Daily Mail’s Friday front page used the language of war they love so much to persuade their readers to back the move.
The stance wasn’t a popular one. These reactions show why.
1.
That World War 2 spirit again. Kamikaze. pic.twitter.com/kc5TBOcxzl — Mr Roger Quimbly (@RogerQuimbly) May 14, 2020
2.
Nice to see the daily mail has gone from weird racist nonsense paper to actively trying to kill all teachers pic.twitter.com/7S3fQY84BX — TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) May 14, 2020
3.
“I want you all to solve this maths problem. If the PM says 30,000 dead and the experts say 60,000 how many secret children does the PM have?” pic.twitter.com/IPT00sfHLx — Paul Jenkins (@fourfoot) May 14, 2020
4.
fu – and i can't stress this enough – cking hell pic.twitter.com/eNWPKJP8eV — alex kealy (@alexkealy) May 14, 2020
5.
didn't realise when i started my job in september i was signing up for the fucking avengers https://t.co/4vmYGsBO4h — eugénie (@meemstd) May 14, 2020
6.
Don't give them a single extra penny. Just let us clap for them while they die. https://t.co/RCQg6ovkZ7 — Christopher (@BlueprintPod) May 14, 2020
7.
"Some teachers may die, but it's a sacrifice we're willing to make" pic.twitter.com/xHofHUoQwN — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) May 14, 2020
Author and comedy writer, James Felton, had a question.
did coronavirus write this pic.twitter.com/tzkJusE9vC — James Felton (@JimMFelton) May 14, 2020
READ MORE
This Daily Mail story about Germany’s response to Covid-19 is peak Daily Mail
Image Daily Mail via @AllieHBNews


thepoke--2020-05-14--People are sharing their ‘most mundane celebrity encounters’ – 18 favourites

It all started when @ MavenofHonor went on Twitter to say this .
And it prompted no end of responses @ @ @ @ @ mundane meetings with celebrities .
But @ twlldun took it to a whole new level @ @ @ @ @ People are sharing their most embarrassing misunderstandings – 17 favourites

Twitter
It all started when @MavenofHonor went on Twitter to say this.
Now, more than ever, we should share our most mundane celebrity encounters. For example, in 2002 I saw Diane Keaton in the Gap — Mave (home version) (@MavenofHonor) May 13, 2020
And it prompted no end of responses featuring lots and lots of mundane meetings with celebrities.
My sister has worked for Larry David for a long time. The first time I met him, I shook his hand and asked “How’s it going?”. He answered, “Well, I bought some new socks today.” — Tim (@tfairchild77) May 13, 2020
I saw Ralph Fiennes along the Thames wearing a backpack and a baseball hat trying to look normal. — erik (@kidzbopwutang) May 13, 2020
I rode a roller coaster that Alanis Morissette was on. — The Smocking Hamberder (@Durdnthecreator) May 13, 2020
I’m in a shocking amount of these. — Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) May 14, 2020
But @twlldun took it to a whole new level when they said this.
I was on a train once and went to the buffet car to buy a pack of crisps and saw Margi Clark, host of the Good Sex Guide, sitting at a table three carriages away from my seat. That’s Margi Clark, host of the Good Sex Guide, I said to myself. I didn’t speak to her. https://t.co/lEfKaXKGbM — . (@twlldun) May 14, 2020
Once, in Covent Garden, my then girlfriend and I were seated at a table next to Brian May. I repeatedly whispered to draw her attention to the fact. Finally, she loudly said: 'Never heard of him. Who is Brian May?' to which Brian May replied 'I am'. We did not stay in touch — Alex White (@AlexWhite1812) May 14, 2020
Also more recently, whilst boarding a flight, Ben Fogle politely accused me & my wife of sitting in his seats. After checking his tickets he realised he was wrong & apologised. Needless to say I had the last laugh. — Dan H🦉🦉 (@dan_howells) May 14, 2020
In two completely separate encounters years apart, both Goldie Hawn and Kate Winslet asked me where to find the loos. I guess when people see me they think ‘now there’s a woman who knows where to take a piss’ — Shaheen Hashmat (@TartanTantrum) May 14, 2020
I was once on a train from London to Hull and saw Paul Heaton and Neil Tennant in different parts of the train. I wondered if either of them was aware of the other's presence. — Eddie Robson (@EddieRobson) May 14, 2020
Was at Royal Albert Hall to watch The Who play about 15 yeara ago. Chris Tarrant was in front of me at the bar. The barman went to hand over his pint before snatching it back and saying "but we don't wanna give you that". Classic, to this day — Dan Dawson (@Dawesomedawson) May 14, 2020
I once saw Robbie Coltrane on the street in Glasgow. “Are you Robbie Coltrane?” I asked. “Yes, I am” he said. Then it started raining. That was it really. — Ayesha Hazarika (@ayeshahazarika) May 14, 2020
I was once buying a sandwich for lunch in the Supermarket of Richmond Upon Thames & the man in front of me was none other than Richard E Grant. His oranges had escaped their bag & were going everywhere. — Disappointed Optimist (@disappoptimism) May 14, 2020
Opened the door of a train in Wales to see James Dean Bradfield. "Wales is small," I thought. And so was he. — Ben Sixsmith (@BDSixsmith) May 14, 2020
I worked in an appliance spare parts store in Bondi, one day Richie Benaud came in looking for a spare part for his vacuum cleaner, it wasn't the brand we handled & I had to send him to the other spare parts place up the street — Lee (@pommylee) May 14, 2020
I saw Sir Vince Cable, fedora in place, getting cash out of an ATM on Clerk Street in Edinburgh. Maybe he’s going to the cash-only Malaysian restaurant across the street, I thought. But then he didn’t. — Stuart Ritchie (@StuartJRitchie) May 14, 2020
My family went for a walk in a London park (no idea which, I was maybe eight, nine) and saw a man retrieving his son, who had fallen into a pond. He turned back with the soaking wet, crying child and we saw it was Rik Mayall. To my overwhelming delight he did a Rik Mayall face. — A Lert For All Seasons (@ediemullen) May 14, 2020
That thread has some great ones https://t.co/Qc2PxEqi4P https://t.co/fhNTt6cYnp — Rob Joyce (@Rob_Joyce_) May 14, 2020
I got thrown out of Peppermint Place in Blackburn for jumping on Alexander O’Neills back once. He was trying to sing as I’m clinging on for dear life as he kept spinning round to throw me off 😂 — paul daley (@pauldaley73) July 6, 2019
Sean Pertwee, Suggs, Phil Daniels and Johnny Vaughn in a pub in the Fulham Rd after Chelsea had beaten Newcastle 5-0, late 90s. I asked Pertwee if I could buy him a ‘cup of tea and a slice of cake’ at the bar. Caused a commotion. Yes I was a tit. — Andy Bird (@NHABAGG) July 6, 2019
READ MORE
People are sharing their most embarrassing misunderstandings – 17 favourites
Source @MavenofHonor


thepoke--2020-05-14--People are sharing their most embarrassing misunderstandings – 17 favourites

It all started when comedy writer Ariane Sherine went on Twitter to confess a misunderstanding ( along with two of @ @ @ @ @ people to share theirs .
And it turned out there were lots of people keen @ @ @ @ @ misunderstandings of their chest , and it ’ s both very funny and entirely reassuring @ @ @ @ @ sort of thing .
Here are our favourites .

Twitter
It all started when comedy writer Ariane Sherine went on Twitter to confess a misunderstanding (or three) and asked people to share theirs (the one about the KFC logo is an absolute zinger).
I used to think chocolate truffles were snuffled out of the ground by pigs. My friend John asked the barber for a ‘short back insides’, and another friend thought the bow under Colonel Sanders on the KFC logo was his arms and legs! What’s your most embarrassing misunderstanding? pic.twitter.com/QKb45A7rUZ — Ariane Sherine (@ArianeSherine) May 13, 2020
And it turned out there were lots of people keen to get their own entirely incorrect assumptions off their chest, and it’s both very funny and entirely reassuring that other people do this sort of thing.
Here are our favourites.
1.
I thought Sinn Fein was a person till I was 25.. — Innes Brechin (@TheRealInnes) May 13, 2020
2.
I used to think colour was invented at the same time as colour TVs and that everything was black and white before it — Gordon Jackson (@nobodys_biz) May 13, 2020
3.
My little brother thought that when they referred to a ‘non-mover’ in the chart show it meant no one danced to it. — Duncan Smith (@Busquets99) May 13, 2020
4.
As a 10 year old I didn’t understand why the house, in Our House by Madness was in the middle of their street.
I’d worked it out by the time I was 30, they meant the middle of a row of terrace’s. — AMW (@AMarkW1973) May 13, 2020
5.
My colleague (she’s 25) thought the name Geoff was pronounced GEE-OFF and had been calling a contractor that for 2 years. 🙃 — Hannah @ Home (@hesaw_) May 13, 2020
6.
When I was about 5 I thought all calendars were made by the Smitwifts company because it was always written across the top. SMTWTFS — Señor Hijas (@TedDaughters) May 13, 2020
7.
As a kid, I never understood why “youth in Asia” was so controversial. — Soccer Saber (@SoccerSaber) May 13, 2020
8.
Thought the phrase prima donna was pre-Madonna. As if she was such a pioneer and megastar that she redefined what it meant to be a demanding idol with super-diva personality — David Inglis (@dinglis100) May 13, 2020
9.


thepoke--2020-05-14--It’s a year since Birmingham’s Lord Mayor opened Joe Lycett’s kitchen extension and it’s a tale wort

It’s a year since Birmingham’s Lord Mayor opened Joe Lycett’s kitchen extension and it’s a tale worth retelling

Hard to believe we know but it ’ s been a year – a whole year – since the Lord @ @ @ @ @ Lycett ’ s kitchen extension .
The comedian marked the occasion by revisiting the story @ @ @ @ @ s a fabulous story worth retelling .
Good times .
Hopefully the second anniversary celebrations @ @ @ @ @ socially distanced than the first .
And in the unlikely event you don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ on Twitter here .
Joe Lycett changed his name to Hugo Boss to right a @ @ @ @ @ his style

Twitter
Hard to believe we know but it’s been a year – a whole year – since the Lord Mayor of Birmingham opened Joe Lycett’s kitchen extension.
The comedian marked the occasion by revisiting the story on Twitter and it’s a fabulous story worth retelling.
Today is one of the greatest days in the history of the City of Birmingham. It is officially one year since the opening of my kitchen extension, The Mosquito Wing, by The Lord Mayor of Birmingham. A thread. (1/10) — Joe Lycett (@joelycett) May 14, 2020
In March 2019 I emailed the office of The Lord Mayor Yvonne Mosquito asking if she would open my kitchen extension. (2/10) pic.twitter.com/LCTutXxBwZ — Joe Lycett (@joelycett) May 14, 2020
Her people said no because it is a private event and she doesn’t do private events. And also presumably because it’s a kitchen extension. (3/10) pic.twitter.com/JTE2ah4bkW — Joe Lycett (@joelycett) May 14, 2020
Furious, I suggested that perhaps I could make it a public event, raffle off tickets to members of the public to join, and give the proceeds to the Lord Mayor’s charity. She agreed and the event was set. Thousands of people applied to win just four tickets. (4/10) pic.twitter.com/iq2p4VB28i — Joe Lycett (@joelycett) May 14, 2020
I met the winners in a nearby pub for a pint and then to protect the location of my house they were blindfolded, had their phones confiscated, and were driven to the event. (5/10) pic.twitter.com/Vtpab0h9bj — Joe Lycett (@joelycett) May 14, 2020
Then the Lord Mayor came and opened my kitchen. She cut a ribbon, made a speech, unveiled the plaque, and stayed for drinks and canapés. You can watch the whole live stream here. https://t.co/qj1yxM2SKC (6/10) — Joe Lycett (@joelycett) May 14, 2020
Oh and @Shefali_oza local did the weather on @bbcmtd live from the kitchen. You can watch that here. https://t.co/YfQL6AL1Ez (8/10) — Joe Lycett (@joelycett) May 14, 2020
We raised £3000 and later that year I presented a massive cheque to the Mayor outside the town hall. https://t.co/psR4DeRIkv (9/10) — Joe Lycett (@joelycett) May 14, 2020
Thank you for reading and may I wish you a very Happy Mosquito Wing Day. (10/10) pic.twitter.com/IXkQbREaYy — Joe Lycett (@joelycett) May 14, 2020
Good times. Hopefully the second anniversary celebrations will be a bit less socially distanced than the first.
And in the unlikely event you don’t already, follow @joelycett on Twitter here.
READ MORE
Joe Lycett changed his name to Hugo Boss to right a wrong and we really like his style
Source @joelycett


thepoke--2020-05-14--Our favourite 16 funny takes on where things are at with the lockdown

The UK has been in lockdown for about two months , and as some of the rules are lifted , @ @ @ @ @ near to running out of people ’ s funny takes .
If only the same @ @ @ @ @ .
These are the best we ’ ve spotted today .

Twitter
The UK has been in lockdown for about two months, and as some of the rules are lifted, we’re still nowhere near to running out of people’s funny takes. If only the same could be said of PPE.
These are the best we’ve spotted today.
1.
My daughters wanted to be Avengers. Now it’s Healthcare Workers because, “they’re the real heroes”. Well, in 20 years, who’s gonna defeat a menacing, no-nonsense CGI villain, backdropped by sincere musical swells? I’m not supposed to say it out loud, but kids are dumb. — Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) April 5, 2020
2.
I started lockdown planning to learn a new language or read all the classics I never had the time to read when in reality I have spent my time seeing how much bread one human being can consume on a daily basis and I have no regrets — TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) May 13, 2020
3.
BREAKING: Boris Johnson’s “first sketch of a roadmap” revealed. pic.twitter.com/C9O8XHuGt2 — The Bath Bird (@TheBathBird) May 11, 2020
4.
Dear England,
Are you cunts mental?
Yours sincerely,
Scotland — joe heenan (@joeheenan) May 13, 2020
5.
Hot singles in your area are advised to self-isolate for at least 7 days in case other symptoms develop. — Stu. (@dysondoc) May 13, 2020
6.
Good to see Covid-19 breaking the glass ceiling for viruses pic.twitter.com/ZyJNdnw5eb — . (@twlldun) May 13, 2020
7.
Who is going to hold up the Leaning Tower of Pisa now that no one is traveling to Italy? — MNC (@yeaanotherchris) May 13, 2020
8.


thepoke--2020-05-14--These glorious self-owns by men who think women don’t like sex will never grow old

Our thanks to @ BeffernieBlack for reminding us of two of the finer moments in Twitter ’ s history .
@ @ @ @ @ about the men so determined to disagree with women , they ’ re prepared to @ @ @ @ @ fuck properly if their lives depended on it .
Some of them dunked on themselves @ @ @ @ @ split reality in two.
’ And you can find @ BeffernieBlack on Twitter here .
@ @ @ @ @ wins all-time great self own

Twitter
Our thanks to @BeffernieBlack for reminding us of two of the finer moments in Twitter’s history.
‘Facebook memories reminded me about the men so determined to disagree with women, they’re prepared to admit they couldn’t fuck properly if their lives depended on it. Some of them dunked on themselves so hard they may have split reality in two.’
Exhibit one.
And two.
No more questions.
I still think about the first one almost every day. Most brutal self-own I’ve ever seen. I audibly gasped at work when it came across my timeline. — Nicholas (@fools_n_kings) May 13, 2020
only thing they’ll be splitting in two any time soon. — The Devil has many bollocks, my friend (@LeonardEctric1) May 13, 2020
Bravo! — Bethany Black (@BeffernieBlack) May 13, 2020
And you can find @BeffernieBlack on Twitter here.
If you like when I point things out that make you chuckle, you can always buy my live show at https://t.co/bLgWjGOEWw or buy me a brew* at https://t.co/Fs8nf2rlUw *help me cover my rent — Bethany Black (@BeffernieBlack) May 13, 2020
READ MORE
Woman loses NASA internship but wins all-time great self own
Source @BeffernieBlack


thepoke--2020-05-15--25 of the funniest things we’ve seen on Twitter this week

It ’ s Friday again , and with the lockdown rules lifting , that might even mean something to some @ @ @ @ @ To us , it means a chance to share these very funny things we ’ @ @ @ @ @

Twitter
It’s Friday again, and with the lockdown rules lifting, that might even mean something to some of you this time.
To us, it means a chance to share these very funny things we’ve seen this week.
1.
my wife witnessed a miracle today & yelled across the house with an urgency that had me sprinting. I thought something terrible had happened but when i came into the kitchen she said: Look… pic.twitter.com/KHw0XsQLJU — Matthew Burnside (@MatthewBurnsid7) May 12, 2020
2.
If you’re unhappy with yourself remember that you’re not alone. A lot of other people, especially at work, hate you too. Don’t leave your lunch unattended. — Sooz (@CruisinSoozan) May 11, 2020
3.
I just thought of a comeback to people who dragged me for having a robot hoover: “OH WELL IF HAVING AN AUTOMATIC HOOVER IS LAZY I’M ASSUMING YOU DON’T HAVE A WASHING MACHINE AND WASH ALL YIUR CLOTHES BY HAND?” It only took me 3 months to think of it but wow I nailed it — Nicola Coughlan (@nicolacoughlan) May 13, 2020
4.
Glad the dog was up this morning to take my delivery in… 👏🏻 pic.twitter.com/r6XNndFv5G — Tom Davies 🇬🇧 (@Tom_D98) May 12, 2020
5.
When does the jogging end… surely they must be getting close to declaring a winner — bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) May 13, 2020
6.
Who would be friends with a writer? Tough gig. In unrelated news, I’m making a list of friends who haven’t yet been in touch to say how much they loved my book. — Robert Webb (@arobertwebb) May 13, 2020
7.
There aren’t any downright stupid pasta names but there are a fusilli ones. God, this lockdown’s going on, isn’t it? — Chris Addison (@mrchrisaddison) May 11, 2020
8.
When Trump dies and they examine his brain, who want to bet five bucks that it’s just one giant cheddar bay biscuit with a watch battery inside? — Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) May 11, 2020
9.
Just got a new bank card. Going to cut my old card up into tiny, little pieces and share those tiny, little pieces between different bins just to make sure any scammers waiting at the landfill have a really tough time trying to piece it back together again. — Tokyo Sexwhale (@tokyo_sexwhale) May 11, 2020
10.
You can see how small Tom Hardy is here by the size of the spring onions he’s holding. pic.twitter.com/PWnFUOUOIC — Bethany Black (@BeffernieBlack) May 14, 2020
11.
Every time I see a made-up clickbait headline about women being warned not to put thing-they-never-put-in-their-vagina into their vagina, I do it out of spite. Currently harbouring an icepop, a jade egg, and a nest of furious wasps like the world's most intimidating kegel balls — Ciara | Ciaraíoch (@Ciaraioch) May 10, 2020
12.


thepoke--2020-05-15--Take your mind off the fatigue of staying in and fear of going out with these 16 lockdown laughs

How ’ s everybody getting on ?
Hands up if you ’ ve snapped and cut your own hair/built yourself @ @ @ @ @ everything from the food delivery in five hours flat .
Remember , it won ’ @ @ @ @ @ , and when you get out into the world – if you aren ’ t @ @ @ @ @ going to need that sense of humour , so here ’ s something to help @ @ @

Twitter
How’s everybody getting on? Hands up if you’ve snapped and cut your own hair/built yourself a den under the stairs/eaten everything from the food delivery in five hours flat.
Remember, it won’t always be like this, and when you get out into the world – if you aren’t already – you’re going to need that sense of humour, so here’s something to help with that.
1.
[1st day of homeschooling]
Me: You start at 9 & finish at 3, lunch will be 45 minutes & I'll check your work at the end of each day! [Homeschooling now]
Me: Just play Fortnite, if you get hungry there's some stilton in the fridge. I'm too fucking drunk to care — joe heenan (@joeheenan) May 14, 2020
2.
3.
The new walk of shame is accidentally walking the wrong way down the one-way grocery store aisle with an overpriced package of toilet paper in your arms. — Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 13, 2020
4.
Alien, except it's just me bursting out of my pandemic pants — Jude D (@heyitsJudeD) May 14, 2020
5.
It couldn't really be simpler. You can meet up with girls who are boys, who like boys to be girls, who do boys like they're girls, who do girls like they're boys, always should be someone you really love. And always stay two metres apart. — Richard Osman (@richardosman) May 11, 2020
6.
"Yeah we can play Tennis and Golf again isn't that great? And my cleaner and nanny can come back to work! So good to see the country getting back to normal!" pic.twitter.com/4MvLYTLRnj — TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) May 14, 2020
7.
'Tell me again grandad, how did they defeat the coronavirus?'
'Well child, we were all surprised when it turned out the best vaccine was a complete disregard for low paid workers rights or safety & the virus just thought it was too easy so lost the want to try.' — Tiernan Douieb (@TiernanDouieb) May 13, 2020
8.


thepoke--2020-05-15--Takedown of the week

Takedown of the week

This woman wasn ’ t happy that the drive-in cinema experience she was looking forward to didn ’ t quite @ @ @ @ @ fact , they had some serious technical issues by the looks of it , but @ @ @ @ @ having it .
And their response wins takedown of the week .
Takedown of the @ @ @ @ @ , another week )

Pics
This woman wasn’t happy that the drive-in cinema experience she was looking forward to didn’t quite meet her expectations.
In fact, they had some serious technical issues by the looks of it, but she still wasn’t having it.
And their response wins takedown of the week.
Oof.
READ MORE
Takedown of the week (not this week, another week)
Source Imgur


thepoke--2020-05-15--Isabel Oakeshott said teachers need to show ‘bravery’ and ‘step up’ – only 5 responses you need

As the debate intensifies about whether the nation ’ s schools should reopen , Isabel Oakeshott , author , political @ @ @ @ @ the Daily Mail and Sunday Times , that kind of thing , said it was @ @ @ @ @ show some bravery ’ and ‘ step up ’ .
The Daily Mail said something @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve probably already seen .
Anyway , back to Isabel Oakeshott – no , @ @ @ @ @ the only 5 responses you need .
The Daily Mail front page about teachers must @ @ @ @ @ 7 responses you need

Twitter
As the debate intensifies about whether the nation’s schools should reopen, Isabel Oakeshott, author, political commentator and former journalist at the Daily Mail and Sunday Times, that kind of thing, said it was time for teachers to ‘show some bravery’ and ‘step up’.
Tonight thousands of teachers will clap for the NHS. Time for teachers to show the same bravery! The risk in schools is nothing like the risk in hospitals. Millions of children now need teachers to step up. — Isabel Oakeshott (@IsabelOakeshott) May 14, 2020
The Daily Mail said something similar today, as you’ve probably already seen.
Anyway, back to Isabel Oakeshott – no, really – because these are the only 5 responses you need.
NHS workers are dealing with cases of a deadly disease and teachers are hoping not to send more cases their way. Don't pretend you don't understand this. — James Felton (@JimMFelton) May 14, 2020
Said from behind a laptop in front room. https://t.co/dxp3cLpsPA — Brian Moore (@brianmoore666) May 14, 2020
This is disgusting. Delete. Millions of children have a right to be kept safe. As do teachers, parents and grandparents. Shame on you. — Sarah (@ScouseGirlMedia) May 14, 2020
https://twitter.com/supermathskid/status/1260839161357107207?s=20
This is the very sentence for which the dictionary has been waiting in order to illustrate the word "oakshittery". — Frank Cottrell-Boyce (@frankcottrell_b) May 14, 2020
To conclude, this.
And so the mask slips. As long as you smile sweetly and don't complain you'll get your little claps and rainbows. But the minute you organise, unionise and talk back, people like this show their true colours. https://t.co/WBq53HdDfk — Stuart Maconie (@StuartMaconie) May 15, 2020
And this.
Teachers and nurses did not enlist to die for their country. They’re just normal people who are underpaid to do stressful jobs. Any politician or journalist suggesting they martyr themselves in the name of ‘getting back to normal’ during a pandemic should be made to shadow them. — Nooruddean (@BeardedGenius) May 14, 2020
READ MORE
The Daily Mail front page about teachers must try harder – the only 7 responses you need


thepoke--2020-05-15--13 top tweets from the very funny Joe Heenan to brighten your day

Comedian Joe Heenan is one of those Twitter stalwarts that we can ’ t imagine not following .
His account @ @ @ @ @ laughs and topical takedowns that we highly recommend as a digital tonic for the nerves @ @ @ @ @ posts , you ’ ll really need to go and check them out for yourselves @ @ @ @ @ gathered some highlights .
He ’ s got a real way with captions .
His @ @ @ @ @ relatable , but very funny .
If nature ’ s your thing , these handy @ @ @ @ @ none .
Joe Heenan ’ s guide to beating the heat is the only one @ @

Popular
Comedian Joe Heenan is one of those Twitter stalwarts that we can’t imagine not following. His account is a treasure trove of laughs and topical takedowns that we highly recommend as a digital tonic for the nerves.
To truly appreciate his posts, you’ll really need to go and check them out for yourselves, but we’ve gathered some highlights.
He’s got a real way with captions.
1.
"Mate, could you get us a walnut whip & a packet of 10 Regal? I'll square you up when you get back" pic.twitter.com/7hmqxGy2Md — joe heenan (@joeheenan) May 9, 2020
2.
"Put the body in the trunk & we'll dump him in the river" pic.twitter.com/AZlLn0iaGW — joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 8, 2020
3.
"Tony, you're on mute mate. We can't hear you" pic.twitter.com/zAZo2WlrFB — joe heenan (@joeheenan) May 10, 2020
His takes on lockdown life are relatable, but very funny.
4.
Me: Here's an empty box mate, let your imagination run wild (10 minutes later) Me: Fuck sake pic.twitter.com/cPSK06Goph — joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 17, 2020
5.
My son lost a tooth last night.
I just saved myself £2 pic.twitter.com/4AGJneitcu — joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 2, 2020
6.
The kids are missing their granny so I've arranged a substitute pic.twitter.com/5q4SsDWU0c — joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 4, 2020
7.
My 4yr old son is crying cause I cut his peanut butter on toast into rectangles instead of triangles & rectangles don't taste as good as triangles.
Only a few more months of lockdown to go — joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 4, 2020
Politicians, beware. He takes no prisoners.
8.
"I told you to go to the COBRA meetings.
All you had to do was turn up, you could have played Candy fuckin' Crush during them.
So what the fuck didn't you do?" "Go to the COBRA meetings" pic.twitter.com/IOtLI7TOdp — joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 20, 2020
9.
Mate, if this was 3 months ago you pricks would have taken away his pension & declared him fit for work pic.twitter.com/vtt6erF5lS — joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 18, 2020
10.
Priti Patel said shoplifting is down from last year.
Incredible news, also dodo poaching has been eliminated & the illegal selling of dial up modems has been stopped.
Congratulations to the Tories for these magnificent achievements — joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 25, 2020
If nature’s your thing, these handy field guides are second to none.
11.
Here's a handy guide if you're in the garden & see a butterfly pic.twitter.com/ArBKPOewyo — joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 5, 2020
12.
Another wee guide for you if you're out in the countryside for a walk pic.twitter.com/BqahhqYDYz — joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 10, 2020
13.
Here's another guide if you're out for a walk today & you see a bear pic.twitter.com/J7YiqU9Spz — joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 13, 2020
Bonus:
Supermarket wouldn’t accept my debit card!
What the hell is going on? #Visa pic.twitter.com/PTuSi0Ic5R — joe heenan (@joeheenan) June 1, 2018
Thanks, Joe.
READ MORE
Joe Heenan’s guide to beating the heat is the only one you need
Image Joe Heenan


thepoke--2020-05-15--People love how this German cafe is ensuring people social distance from each other

This is just a brilliant way of making sure people keep the appropriate distance apart , a German cafe that @ @ @ @ @ .
Everyone should do this , and not just in the lockdown .
Although it @ @ @ @ @ that .
Hope they loved it .
They should have loved it .
Everyone loves @ @ @ @ @ everyone though .

Weird World
This is just a brilliant way of making sure people keep the appropriate distance apart, a German cafe that asks its customers wear these.
Oh my god, this is amazing. A German cafe is making people wear swimming pool noodles as hats to enforce social distancing. Pic via Cafe & Konditorei Rothe on Facebook https://t.co/fMgqgbTdt6 pic.twitter.com/ds0whysqqi — Katy Lee (@kjalee) May 14, 2020
Everyone should do this, and not just in the lockdown.
Applaud this for multiple reasons: Great PR, makes sense from disease POV, shames people who insist they need to sit in cafes rn — Patrick Galey 🤷🏻♂ (@patrickgaley) May 14, 2020
Oh I think there's zero shame attached to it, I would be really quite pleased to wear one of these hats — Katy Lee (@kjalee) May 14, 2020
Although it was slightly more complicated than that.
Thank you @ZiaWeise for pointing out that this was actually a reporter's idea, not the cafe's. As per this report, RTL wanted to see how people reacted. https://t.co/y9k779pT1e — Katy Lee (@kjalee) May 14, 2020
Hope they loved it. They should have loved it. Everyone loves it, right?
I continue to be a fan of the human race, due to things like this. https://t.co/mhkKppI8J5 — Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran) May 14, 2020
Social distance, but make it fashion https://t.co/4Y7i6cy0nR — Julia Ioffe (@juliaioffe) May 14, 2020
Sorry but I would ruin it for everyone by pretending to be a helicopter. — Mme Defarge (@splodgenoodles) May 14, 2020
Go Go Gadget Social Distancing! https://t.co/a89aELECJc — neontaster (@neontaster) May 14, 2020
Not everyone though.
Boo.
H/T @caitlinmoran Source @kjalee


thepoke--2020-05-15--This attempt to be a Good Samaritan didn’t get entirely the response they were expecting

You don ’ t see as many phone numbers scribbled in toilet cubicles as you used to ( and certainly @ @ @ @ @ ’ t ) .
But even back in the day we ’ re not sure @ @ @ @ @ so community minded to do what this Good Samaritan did .
And it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ they got probably wasn ’ t the one they were expecting .
‘ There was @ @ @ @ @ a good person , ’ says u/SensitiveEye7 over on Reddit .

Pics
You don’t see as many phone numbers scribbled in toilet cubicles as you used to (and certainly not right now you don’t).
But even back in the day we’re not sure we’d have been so community minded to do what this Good Samaritan did. And it’s fair to say the response they got probably wasn’t the one they were expecting.
‘There was an attempt … to be a good person,’ says u/SensitiveEye7 over on Reddit.
‘She succeeded in her attempt. Because she didn’t assume and just cover it up – such a good person!’ rougecrayon ‘Yeah that’s a girl who gets it’ TheRedmanCometh
Source Reddit u/SensitiveEye7


thepoke--2020-05-16--The Magic Key Series – Life During Lockdown

With parents currently having to homeschool their children , we ’ ve reimagined some of the books in the Magic @ @ @ @ @ lockdown .

Exclusive
With parents currently having to homeschool their children, we’ve reimagined some of the books in the Magic Key series for life during lockdown.
1.
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4.
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10.


thepoke--2020-05-16--Just 21 nice things to try and brighten up your day

In a world that ’ s still full of uncertainty , there ’ s one thing you can rely on @ @ @ @ @ to try and cheer you up .
So here are some nice things we ’ @ @ @ @ @ hopefully brighten up your day .

Pics
In a world that’s still full of uncertainty, there’s one thing you can rely on each week – our round-up to try and cheer you up. So here are some nice things we’ve seen this week to hopefully brighten up your day.
Stay safe.
1. I was taking a picture through my window and this happened. pic.twitter.com/j8yiyNjQu0 — Welcome To Nature (@welcomet0nature) May 10, 2020
2. Still having the company meetings online. pic.twitter.com/aR3LfuSdKl — Andrew Cotter (@MrAndrewCotter) May 11, 2020
4. She made friends with an avocado pic.twitter.com/p4EBB5rWsB — bug (@crevicedwelling) May 11, 2020
5. So my possum living in the grill had babies pic.twitter.com/Jc5iDkhmL3 — Cat Cozzi (@cozzi_cat) May 4, 2019
6. And in good news that makes up for everything, in Costa Rica they’ve discovered a frog that looks more like Kermit than any other frog. pic.twitter.com/c1LlIbKxjO — Conrad Brunstrom (@conbrunstrom) May 12, 2020
9. my wife witnessed a miracle today & yelled across the house with an urgency that had me sprinting. I thought something terrible had happened but when i came into the kitchen she said: Look… pic.twitter.com/KHw0XsQLJU — Matthew Burnside (@MatthewBurnsid7) May 12, 2020


thepoke--2020-05-18--Lilly Wachowski had the best response to Elon Musk and Ivanka Trump’s Matrix reference

The alt-right is very fond of telling people to “ take the red pill ” .
It refers to the choice given to the main protagonist of the Wachowskis ’ sci-fi classic , The Matrix , when he can take the red pill and know the awful truth , or take the blue pill and remain in blissful ignorance .
The alt-right ’ s “ awful truth ” includes such things as “ 5G causes coronavirus ” or “ the Sandy Hook massacre didn ’ t happen ” .
With that knowledge , it ’ s easy to see why @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this tweet from tech billionaire , Elon Musk .
This summed up a lot of people ’ s concerns .
However , there were many who welcomed the implicit support for the conspiracy theorists , including one very famous name .
But co-writer and director of The Matrix , Lilly Wachowski , had her own reaction to add to that of Ivanka Trump – If anybody has the right to pass that judgement , it ’ s definitely her .
We thought this description from Sam Thielman captured the moment .
Elon Musk @ @ @ @ @ @ @ week and these are the only replies you need

Twitter
The alt-right is very fond of telling people to “take the red pill”.
It refers to the choice given to the main protagonist of the Wachowskis’ sci-fi classic, The Matrix, when he can take the red pill and know the awful truth, or take the blue pill and remain in blissful ignorance.
The alt-right’s “awful truth” includes such things as “5G causes coronavirus” or “the Sandy Hook massacre didn’t happen”.
With that knowledge, it’s easy to see why a lot of people were disturbed at this tweet from tech billionaire, Elon Musk.
Take the red pill 🌹 — Elon Musk (@elonmusk) May 17, 2020
This summed up a lot of people’s concerns.
Oh cool, a narcissistic billionaire with a massive following validating batshit crazy conspiracy theories. — Pé (@4everNeverTrump) May 17, 2020
However, there were many who welcomed the implicit support for the conspiracy theorists, including one very famous name.
Twitter went into meltdown.
If you don’t get the dog whistles Ivanka and Elon are playfully amplifying here, you’ve learned nothing the last few years. And, of course next will come them playing the victim role for being called out for it. https://t.co/aI3oGZT6pp — Peter W. Singer (@peterwsinger) May 17, 2020
Murder Hornets, take me I'm yours pic.twitter.com/cnQ8LsP3cV — Jason (@longwall26) May 17, 2020
All you need to know about Red Pill culture in one tweet. https://t.co/MxgIDCp2vL — Victoria Brownworth #PutYourMaskOnNOW (@VABVOX) May 18, 2020
But co-writer and director of The Matrix, Lilly Wachowski, had her own reaction to add to that of Ivanka Trump –
Fuck both of you — Lilly Wachowski (@lilly_wachowski) May 17, 2020
If anybody has the right to pass that judgement, it’s definitely her.
The Twitter meltdown ramped up considerably.
Peak film twitter right here. pic.twitter.com/40lzctg9Ge — Josh Goldbloom (@cinepocalypse) May 17, 2020
Great moments in twitter pic.twitter.com/IiptgX3yWY — Brian Hiatt (@hiattb) May 17, 2020
This is why Twitter is the truth. https://t.co/mpWZopcm8B — Andy Lang (@HRH_Duke_of_Url) May 17, 2020
We thought this description from Sam Thielman captured the moment.
Absolute all-time NBA Jam-style flaming half-court megadunk https://t.co/VfTpTdgiab — Sam Thielman (@samthielman) May 18, 2020
That’s The One.
READ MORE
Elon Musk said people should work 80 hours a week and these are the only replies you need
Source Lilly Wachowski Image Olivia Nuzzi, Movieclips screengrab


thepoke--2020-05-18--Nigel Farage claimed that Britain is being invaded – the only 7 takedowns you need

Nigel Farage has been rebuked by the police , recently , for going to Dover to make alarmist videos about @ @ @ @ @ t done any good , because he keeps heading down to the port with his @ @ @ @ @ .
He updated people via Twitter on Saturday night .
Like all good dog whistles @ @ @ @ @ responses , such as “ I ’ m sorry but if the authorities can ’ @ @ @ @ @ feel the men of England will have to.
“ , but it also earned Farage @ @ @ @ @ Khorsandi had a suggestion for a better way of reacting to people coming to the @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a first time for everything .
The police warned Nigel Farage about non-essential @ @ @ @ @ t a happy bunny

Twitter
Nigel Farage has been rebuked by the police, recently, for going to Dover to make alarmist videos about immigration.
It hasn’t done any good, because he keeps heading down to the port with his binoculars and a camera operator.
He updated people via Twitter on Saturday night.
Over 100 migrants illegally entered the UK by small boat today. The invasion is on. — Nigel Farage (@Nigel_Farage) May 16, 2020
Like all good dog whistles, it got some disturbing responses, such as “I’m sorry but if the authorities can’t stop this then I feel the men of England will have to.“, but it also earned Farage some considerable mockery.
1.
The “Invasion” . Never make a war movie https://t.co/eUeRtx3fyl — Seann Walsh (@seannwalsh) May 17, 2020
2.
Well I did Nazi this coming… https://t.co/1BBkyleHNf — Mark ne-Francois-pas MP (@MarkFrancois12) May 16, 2020
3.
I'm not great at maths. Can someone tell me if – 34,466 + 100 equals an unmanageable population explosion? https://t.co/nqzQI2BFxa — Ghostface Kafka (36 Chambers) (@TheKafkaDude) May 17, 2020
4.
Well what is it Nige? A small boat or an invasion? Can't be both. https://t.co/KHoGJky4oM — Brexile In Berlin (@BrexileInBerlin) May 17, 2020
5.
6.
My God! They might pick our fruit. — nick revell (@TheNickRevell) May 17, 2020
7.
This isn't 1066 mate, people can't just arrive on a boat and take over the country. https://t.co/xDTMpNLdMS — ハンナ Maollennial ⚢⚧ (@tasmosunt) May 17, 2020
Shappi Khorsandi had a suggestion for a better way of reacting to people coming to the UK for help.
Did they? Maybe fetch some blankets and some of your old yellow trousers? Once they are warm, dry and fed, maybe chat to them? Will help with their English and making new English friends means they can assimilate into our culture faster. Just try not be a shocking cunt to them. https://t.co/QyMM2kIw8O — Shappi Khorsandi5667753324777 (@ShappiKhorsandi) May 17, 2020
There’s a first time for everything.
READ MORE
The police warned Nigel Farage about non-essential travel and he wasn’t a happy bunny
Source Nigel Farage Image Nigel Farage


thepoke--2020-05-18--“Teaching celebrities – Maths edition” goes about as well as you’d expect

Genuine Year 1 teacher , Jordan Firth , is one of the many who have been providing support for desperate @ @ @ @ @ Bitesize lessons , but this is one the grown-ups can enjoy for themselves .
In @ @ @ @ @ at least – times of online lessons , just what might it be like to @ @ @ @ @ celebrities ?
Like this : The post has rightly been getting a lot of love @ @ @ @ @ the first time Mister Firth has posted a video that would go right over the @ @ @ @ @ , and here ’ s one of our previous favourites .
A maths teacher took @ @ @ @ @ sign and turned it into a lesson for pupils

Videos
Genuine Year 1 teacher, Jordan Firth, is one of the many who have been providing support for desperate parents via BBC’s Bitesize lessons, but this is one the grown-ups can enjoy for themselves.
In these – for now, at least – times of online lessons, just what might it be like to try and teach Maths to celebrities? Like this:
Teaching Celebrities | Maths Edition: pic.twitter.com/Q9dnnUuzPk — Mr Firth (@MisterFirth) May 17, 2020
The post has rightly been getting a lot of love.
You are a genius and it could not have been complete without Priti Patel's number crunching🤣👏👏👏So funny lol — ALLBLACK (@ALLBLACK666) May 17, 2020
Best thing on Twitter today. Should go viral. — Charles Fillingham (@FHSheadmaster) May 17, 2020
Great fun. Guaranteed to take your mind off worries about government guidance. https://t.co/pacNsCR86k — John Cosgrove (@johncosgrove405) May 17, 2020
It isn’t the first time Mister Firth has posted a video that would go right over the heads of his usual audience, and here’s one of our previous favourites.
If teachers spoke like politicians: pic.twitter.com/WZKjPQsPoi — Mr Firth (@MisterFirth) May 1, 2020
READ MORE
A maths teacher took issue with this social distancing sign and turned it into a lesson for pupils
Source Mister Firth Image Mister Firth


thepoke--2020-05-18--The Mail brayed about Keir Starmer’s field and made asses of themselves – 15 favourite reactions

As it ’ s such a slow time for news at the moment , with no pandemics or anything to @ @ @ @ @ on Sunday decided to have a pop at the Labour leader , Sir Keir Starmer @ @ @ @ @ owns the field … Absolutely shocking behaviour , we know .
How dare a QC @ @ @ @ @ so his parents can rehouse donkeys .
What is the world coming to ?
The @ @ @ @ @ as you ’ d expect .

News
As it’s such a slow time for news at the moment, with no pandemics or anything to write about, the Mail on Sunday decided to have a pop at the Labour leader, Sir Keir Starmer.
This is why he owns the field …
“A spokesman for Starmer said: “Keir purchased this field for his late disabled mother. The field was used to house donkeys that Keir’s parents rescued and cared for. After Keir’s mother lost her ability to walk, the field still allowed her to watch the donkeys from her home.”” https://t.co/cKpX1XJVyM — Thomas Colson (@tpgcolson) May 16, 2020
Absolutely shocking behaviour, we know. How dare a QC have money and use it so his parents can rehouse donkeys. What is the world coming to?
The article went down as well as you’d expect.
1.
"And, and, if NASA came along and built a rocket site on it, it would be worth UP TO BILLIONS!!!
Well, no, they haven't actually approached the Labour leader about a rocket base… but they COULD. HYPOCRITE!" https://t.co/60vOK3omby — Stephen McGann (@StephenMcGann) May 16, 2020
2.
Many thousands dying as an incompetent government desperately tries to cover their own tracks and the Mail on Sunday are focusing on the real issues of “man owns field” https://t.co/g6GtvZ2yRu — James Felton (@JimMFelton) May 16, 2020
3.
Just imagine if he was a serial liar, refused to disclose how many children he had and was repeatedly unfaithful https://t.co/CnbN69rUMm — John Crace (@JohnJCrace) May 16, 2020
4.
THIS TWEET COULD BE WORTH UP TO £10M! https://t.co/lXGt5pa1JB — Greg Jenner: 'DEAD FAMOUS OUT NOW!' (@greg_jenner) May 16, 2020
5.
can’t believe Sir Keir Starmer QC may have wealth, I may never recover from this one pals — Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) May 16, 2020
6.
Struggling to think of any act that would run better with the British people than buying your mum a donkey sanctuary. — Paul Lay (@_paullay) May 17, 2020
7.
If Starmer was a serial killer then his field could hold *hundreds* of bodies.
Not suggesting that he is, but it makes you wonder, doesn't it? — Andrew R (@ExcelPope) May 17, 2020
8.


thepoke--2020-05-19--The further into this house listing you go, the weirder it gets

We doubt that many people are seriously considering moving house right now – unless they have to – but anyone @ @ @ @ @ do a lot worse than to consider this hidden marvel .
It looks a little @ @ @ @ @ But every step reveals some new wonder .
And the price ?
$ 159,900 , @ @ @ @ @ That might get you a cupboard in London .
Middle-Aged Rust Belt Voter ‘ s @ @ @ @ @ attention , and comments like these .
Justis Mosqueda wasn ’ t that concerned with @ @ @ @ @ even the indoor beach .
For sale – house with pool and giant indoor kitty @ @ @ @ @ unique ’ property for sale went viral because its interior is so … extraordinary

Pics
We doubt that many people are seriously considering moving house right now – unless they have to – but anyone in the Pittsburgh area could do a lot worse than to consider this hidden marvel.
It looks a little bland from the outside …
I just discovered the greatest house listing of all time. It starts out very unassuming and modest. pic.twitter.com/cCubUFd1k4 — Middle-Aged Rust Belt Voter (@frazierapproves) May 18, 2020
But every step reveals some new wonder.
The lush garden with pool
Then, you see the yard and think “wow, that’s somewhat surprising“ pic.twitter.com/PLgPf03wPS — Middle-Aged Rust Belt Voter (@frazierapproves) May 18, 2020
The dated but unusual lounge
Then, you see the interior, and think well that’s not quite what I expected pic.twitter.com/RwjsusYaeR — Middle-Aged Rust Belt Voter (@frazierapproves) May 18, 2020
The spaceship dining room …wait, what?
Then, things start to escalate pic.twitter.com/RqMVzmLWmp — Middle-Aged Rust Belt Voter (@frazierapproves) May 18, 2020
Don’t forget the basement beach – obviously!
And before you know it, WHAT THEE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE? pic.twitter.com/w3rGyQ7tZb — Middle-Aged Rust Belt Voter (@frazierapproves) May 18, 2020
And the price? $159,900, which is about £131,000. That might get you a cupboard in London.
And it’s yours for the low low https://t.co/VG8SkrVLJj — Middle-Aged Rust Belt Voter (@frazierapproves) May 18, 2020
Middle-Aged Rust Belt Voter‘s post attracted a lot of attention, and comments like these.
The SF Fandom House. https://t.co/WmJgQXMe93 — Colleen Doran (@ColleenDoran) May 18, 2020
$150k for a spaceship with a pool seems reasonable. — Jeff Reguilon (@jeffreguilon) May 18, 2020
I saw this picture and was like, "It's fine, seems okay. Just very–"
*clicks the other photos*
"WHAT"
"WHAT THE FUCK"
"IS THIS A SPACESHIP"
"WHY IS THERE SAND"
"WHAT IS THIS"
"I'VE LOST MY DAMN MIND" https://t.co/m3gxSWL6lS — Elizabeth May (@_ElizabethMay) May 18, 2020
I am SCREAMING. The rocketship cockpit did me IN. https://t.co/j4yVd24iRV — Asia (@AsiaChloeBrown) May 18, 2020
Justis Mosqueda wasn’t that concerned with the spaceship aspect, or even the indoor beach.
The real story here is you can get a three bedroom with a pool for $160,000 in Pittsburgh??? https://t.co/Khe76nn2AY — Justis Mosqueda (Day 69) (@JuMosq) May 18, 2020
For sale – house with pool and giant indoor kitty litter box.
READ MORE
This ‘unique’ property for sale went viral because its interior is so … extraordinary
Source @frazierapproves Image @frazierapproves


thepoke--2020-05-19--“You can kick their balls, but you can’t touch them” – Covid safety talk fail of the week

As New York ’ s Nassau County issued guidelines on playing sports during the coronavirus crisis , the county spokesperson @ @ @ @ @ clearly trying desperately hard not to stray into innuendo .
A chyron writer obviously thought @ @ @ @ @ of advice .
She put up a great fight against laughing at her own gaffe @ @ @ @ @ no avail – and she wasn ’ t the only one .
We can totally @ @ @ @ @ coming from with this reaction .
Mike Pence ’ s accidental innuendo brought the internet @ @ @ @ @ ) – 13 comebacks

Videos
As New York’s Nassau County issued guidelines on playing sports during the coronavirus crisis, the county spokesperson, Laura Curran, was clearly trying desperately hard not to stray into innuendo.
She failed.
Don’t touch other people’s balls — at least with your hands, is my new favorite rule. (H/T @leverageagency) pic.twitter.com/0RynwXZQET — Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) May 17, 2020
A chyron writer obviously thought that was the crucial piece of advice.
She put up a great fight against laughing at her own gaffe, but it was to no avail – and she wasn’t the only one.
crying (also I am a child) pic.twitter.com/uHs2wLA1Jb — Tim Hogan (@timjhogan) May 17, 2020
PE teacher problems when explaining rules of 90% of activities in Team Sports! If you need a laugh today. WATCH https://t.co/COWZm8hRzL — Tyler Rathke (@Coach_Rathke) May 17, 2020
We can totally see where Aric Cisneros was coming from with this reaction.
This is 1000% a Parks and Rec sketch. https://t.co/1gTidczcE8 — aric cisneros (@ariccisneros) May 17, 2020
via Gfycat
READ MORE
Mike Pence’s accidental innuendo brought the internet to its knees (NSFW) – 13 comebacks
Source Darren Rovell Image @timjhogan


thepoke--2020-05-19--Nancy Pelosi’s ‘morbidly obese’ Donald Trump burn wins takedown of the day

As you may have seen by now , Donald Trump has revealed he has been taking anti-material drug hydroxychloroquine as @ @ @ @ @ anyone who knows anything about this sort of thing warning against it .
And it @ @ @ @ @ responses .
But the best burn – the very best burn – might have come @ @ @ @ @ Pelosi .
Watch this !
Don ’ t know about hydroxychloroquine but Trump ’ s @ @ @ @ @ some medication to treat that burn .
8 favourite responses to Trump ’ s wild @ @ @ @ @

Twitter
As you may have seen by now, Donald Trump has revealed he has been taking antimalarial drug hydroxychloroquine as a coronavirus preventative, despite anyone who knows anything about this sort of thing warning against it.
And it prompted no end of wonderful responses. But the best burn – the very best burn – might have come courtesy of House speaker Nancy Pelosi. Watch this!
Pelosi just called @realDonaldTrump “morbidly obese” on CNN. And she did it while expressing concern for his health. I can’t stop laughing. She’s so good at this. pic.twitter.com/3f7hKunA3V — John Aravosis 🇺🇸🇬🇷🏳🌈 (@aravosis) May 19, 2020
Don’t know about hydroxychloroquine but Trump’s going to have to take some medication to treat that burn.
Nancy Pelosi just called Donald Trump "morbidly obese" and hot cocoa just shot out my nose when I heard it. pic.twitter.com/5gJKPh4wyr — Amee Vanderpool (@girlsreallyrule) May 19, 2020
Nancy Pelosi is a national treasure. — Jennifer Rubin (@JRubinBlogger) May 19, 2020
The way @andersoncooper manages to not react to 'morbidly obese' is impressive. I mean, I *think* there's a flicker but he is stoic https://t.co/Yme7JUTrnV — Caroline Feraday (@CarolineFeraday) May 19, 2020
One day, I learn to strike as deftly as Obi Wan Pelosi. Until then, I am only her Padowan #morbidlyobese https://t.co/LtRwewp4dJ — Senator Scott Surovell (@ssurovell) May 19, 2020
I bet they're drawing straws for who has to tell him….#morbidlyobese pic.twitter.com/9eLXik4N0p — Lily Ella (@_Lilgoldman_) May 19, 2020
READ MORE
8 favourite responses to Trump’s wild claim to be taking hydroxychloroquine
Source @aravosis


thepoke--2020-05-19--The government claims the UK has had quarantine for travellers since 30th February – the 7 best take

The government claims the UK has had quarantine for travellers since 30th February – the 7 best takedowns

Listen to Jonathan Van Tam , the Deputy Chief Medical Officer , address criticism that the UK does not yet @ @ @ @ @ quarantine .
Quoting dates that literally don ’ t exist is always helpful when defending @ @ @ @ @ s how Twitter reacted .
Since there ’ s never a bad time to watch @ @ @ @ @ s Priti Patel making up numbers .
Priti Patel struggled to report the number of @ @ @ @ @ favourite responses

Twitter
Listen to Jonathan Van Tam, the Deputy Chief Medical Officer, address criticism that the UK does not yet put visitors from overseas into quarantine.
Jonathan Van Tam claiming quarantine for incoming travellers has been in place in UK since… the 30th February. A date which doesn't actually exist.pic.twitter.com/48LXKPLVTg — Otto English (@Otto_English) May 18, 2020
Quoting dates that literally don’t exist is always helpful when defending a policy. Here’s how Twitter reacted.
1.
Yeah we definitely did that on the 30th of February. A date that… does not exist. Going to have to try that as a line in future 😂 pic.twitter.com/ZHMj4zJfWy — Jono 🌈 (@jonoread) May 18, 2020
2.
“Hello, I’m Jonathan Van Tam, and I’m here to assure you that we definitely did a thing we almost certainly didn’t do, and if you don’t believe me, I have this memo from the eleventeenth of Augcembuary as proof.”pic.twitter.com/YMW6F115RT — 🏳🌈 Max 🏳🌈 (@SpillerOfTea) May 18, 2020
3.
“On the 30th of February” – you want me to trust these morons when it comes to telling me when my kids can go back to school?? Get the fuck outta here! 🤦🏽♂ pic.twitter.com/Z1EvadUJxA — TheDailyJungle (@JungleDaily) May 18, 2020
4.
Somebody didn’t think today’s propaganda lies through properly. 30th of February? Must do better, Cummings et al. pic.twitter.com/PoEFiWCBsG — Kimberley 🌹 (@LeftWingKim) May 18, 2020
5.
Jonathan Van Tam to Priti Patel: “I'll see your three hundred thousand, thirty four, nine hundred & seventy four thousand & raise you a 30th of February” These daily briefings are going well, aren't they?#wheresBoris #WhereIsBoris pic.twitter.com/5gslUq1U2s — NighSide (@NighSide) May 18, 2020
6.
*Sees 30th of February trending* Me: I bet someone at today's Coronavirus briefing has come out with that nonsense. *Clicks into 30th of February topic* Me: I wish I had been wrong. pic.twitter.com/SPYR0D0orN — Laura N Way (@LauraNWay87) May 18, 2020
7.
What are chances that the government's scientific experts could hold down a job in a laboratory doing cutting edge science? #PressBriefing — Britgirl's Tweets (@MarieAnnUK) May 18, 2020
Since there’s never a bad time to watch this again, here’s Priti Patel making up numbers.
WATCH: Home Secretary Priti Patel slipped up at today’s Downing Street briefing, saying the total number of #COVID19 tests conducted in the UK was “Three hundred thousand, thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand”. pic.twitter.com/QAzcbVM7dW — PoliReview (@PoliReview) April 11, 2020
READ MORE
Priti Patel struggled to report the number of Covid-19 tests – our threevety-eleven favourite responses
Source Otto English Image Otto English @alexjones on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-05-19--Priti Patel said she was ‘ending free movement to open Britain up to the world’ – only 5 responses y

Priti Patel said she was ‘ending free movement to open Britain up to the world’ – only 5 responses you need

Here ’ s so-called home secretary Priti Patel telling everyone how she ’ s ‘ opening Britain up to the @ @ @ @ @ s doing this by ending free movement , obviously .
She went on Twitter as @ @ @ @ @ points-based immigration bill was voted through the House of Commons on Monday night .
And @ @ @ @ @ responses you need to that .
Oh , and this .
Fortunately , someone was @ @ @ @ @ Priti Patel had some good news about shoplifting – 7 scathing takedowns

Twitter
Here’s so-called home secretary Priti Patel telling everyone how she’s ‘opening Britain up to the world’.
She’s doing this by ending free movement, obviously.
We’re ending free movement to open Britain up to the world. It will ensure people can come to our country based on what they have to offer, not where they come from. pic.twitter.com/cQbXvdIsYU — Priti Patel (@pritipatel) May 18, 2020
She went on Twitter as the government’s controversial points-based immigration bill was voted through the House of Commons on Monday night. And these are the only 5 responses you need to that.
https://twitter.com/SebDance/status/1262457418564370436?s=20
What you’ve also done, @pritipatel , is to end freedom of movement for UK passport holders across our continent. The citizens of 27 other countries, the great majority of Europeans, still retain it. That’s not something to fly our flag over in my book. https://t.co/lCp8FTCQKi — Brian Cox (@ProfBrianCox) May 18, 2020
1) You’re not “Ending Free Movement”. Over 30 countries still have it. You’re just ending it for Brits. 2) Don’t dare imply that FM was any kind of discrimination. Under FM, countries are free to give non-EU citizens *more* rights than EU citizens. Our govt chose to give less. https://t.co/XgGyDTfEHe — Dr Mike Galsworthy (@mikegalsworthy) May 18, 2020
"ending free movement to open Britain up to the world" War is Peace. Ignorance is Strength. https://t.co/VaLq6zacNm — Elinor Elliot (@ElliotElinor) May 18, 2020
New Private Eye out Wednesday in which I will try & probably fail to write anything as satirically perfect as “we’re ending free movement to open Britain up to the world” https://t.co/REq4uTah5b — tom jamieson (@jamiesont) May 18, 2020
Oh, and this.
How many of our NHS & care worker heroes will you be ‘sending home’ after this crisis, Home Secretary?
Will they include any of the many migrants who helped save the Prime Minister’s life? https://t.co/ucEeJoEehh — Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) May 18, 2020
Fortunately, someone was around to fix it.
I fixed it for you. Regards,
A skilled worker from the EU 🇪🇺 who quite enjoys the rights that FoM offers me. pic.twitter.com/zZ7VVLUiwF — Camilla Engelby 🏳🌈🇩🇰🇪🇺🕯🌍🌳🐟 (@camillaengelby) May 18, 2020
READ MORE
Priti Patel had some good news about shoplifting – 7 scathing takedowns
* 1984


thepoke--2020-05-19--Maximum chill points to this journalist for ignoring the cat fight during her interview

While we doubt anything will ever be better than Professor Robert Kelly being interrupted by his swaggering daughter and freewheeling @ @ @ @ @ happening in the background of this live interview must come close .
The unfortunate journalist @ @ @ @ @ much to the carnage behind her , Doris Bigornia , responded to her daughter ’ @ @ @ @ @ The translation being something in the realm of “ Children !
There ’ s a @ @ @ @ @ The clip was rated by this funny account .
Here are a few of the @ @ @ @ @ catastrophe .
It wasn ’ t even the first embarrassing feline videobombing for Doris .
@ @ @ @ @ , the cats – Bella and Nala – were just having a temporary falling out @ @ @ @ @ friends really .
BBC Dad and the kids who videobombed him were back on TV @ @ @ @ @ still full of mischief

Videos
While we doubt anything will ever be better than Professor Robert Kelly being interrupted by his swaggering daughter and freewheeling son, the cat fight happening in the background of this live interview must come close.
The unfortunate journalist trying not to react too much to the carnage behind her, Doris Bigornia, responded to her daughter’s tweet with this.
CHILDREN!!!! May batas sa studio!!!! https://t.co/zv0Schrb2u — Doris Bigornia (@DorisBigornia) May 15, 2020
The translation being something in the realm of “Children! There’s a law in the studio.”
The clip was rated by this funny account.
The room is an 8. The cat fight is 10/10 pic.twitter.com/Mtm64wrBPc — Room Rater (@ratemyskyperoom) May 16, 2020
Here are a few of the many reactions to the broadcasting catastrophe.
Skype interviewee raises the bar with an in-vision cat-fight. In the weeks to come I expect nothing less than a gorilla swinging from a light-fitting behind Michael Gove. https://t.co/NIKj4eqnsV — Julian Dutton ⛵⚓ (@JulianDutton1) May 16, 2020
All time greatest. Your job is done. This can never be topped. https://t.co/OYTehnCN1p — Steve's OKC Central (@stevelackmeyer) May 16, 2020
It wasn’t even the first embarrassing feline videobombing for Doris.
In case you were wondering, the cats – Bella and Nala – were just having a temporary falling out and they’re good friends really.
READ MORE
BBC Dad and the kids who videobombed him were back on TV – and they’re still full of mischief
Source Nikki Bigornia Image Nikki Bigornia


thepoke--2020-05-19--8 favourite responses to Trump’s wild claim to be taking hydroxychloroquine

Against the advice of the White House Covid-19 response medics , Donald Trump has been urging people to take hydroxychloroquine @ @ @ @ @ used for the treatment of rheumatic conditions , as a coronavirus preventative .
In fact @ @ @ @ @ warned against taking the medication unless prescribed it , due to its serious side effects @ @ @ @ @ .
Aaron Rupar couldn ’ t help speculating on where it all might be leading @ @ @ @ @ the only one with something to say .
As it ’ s highly unlikely that @ @ @ @ @ would let him take hydroxychloroquine , we suspect Nick Pettigrew might be onto something .
@ @ @ @ @ cases of Covid-19 – the only 5 scathing takedowns you need to read

News
Against the advice of the White House Covid-19 response medics, Donald Trump has been urging people to take hydroxychloroquine, an anti-malarial drug also used for the treatment of rheumatic conditions, as a coronavirus preventative.
In fact, the FDA has specifically warned against taking the medication unless prescribed it, due to its serious side effects, which can be fatal.
Then this happened …
"I happen to be taking it … right now, yeah" — Trump claims he's taking hydroxychloroquine, a drug he's touted as a potential coronavirus treatment despite a lack of evidence that can lead to potentially fatal heart problems pic.twitter.com/zxiNxlyfEs — Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) May 18, 2020
Aaron Rupar couldn’t help speculating on where it all might be leading.
We're a press conference or two away from Trump announcing he's mainlining bleach and getting sunlight treatments inside his body https://t.co/gfaRLj5Zog — Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) May 18, 2020
He wasn’t the only one with something to say.
1.
he ran out of bleach — ROSIE (@Rosie) May 18, 2020
2.
At least now we know “good presidenting” is not a side effect of hydroxychloroquine. — Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) May 18, 2020
3.
If Sean Hannity isn't doing lines of hydroxychloroquine live on Fox News tonight then he is officially a MAGA-hating liberal cuck! — Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) May 18, 2020
4.
So let me get this right. A man who supports people not wearing masks and wants to reopen America is taking an experimental drug for a disease he doesn’t have and a doctor prescribed this and said it’s a good idea? Trump injecting Bleach is more believable. #Hydroxychloroquine — Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) May 18, 2020
5.
Trump pretending he took his fake miracle tonic is where he completes his transition from 20th century-style grifter to 19th century-style grifter — pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) May 18, 2020
6.
Hydroxychloroquine does not cure or prevent COVID-19 and may cause heart problems. But 40% of America will now pretend it does because The Idiot Alchemist is taking it. — Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) May 18, 2020
7.
so basically the president of the United States is now hopped up on a cocktail of adderall, hydroxychloroquine and stupidity — Jeff Tiedrich (@itsJeffTiedrich) May 18, 2020
8.
First president to be assassinated by his own IQ — James Felton (@JimMFelton) May 18, 2020
As it’s highly unlikely that the President’s doctor would let him take hydroxychloroquine, we suspect Nick Pettigrew might be onto something.
They're probably just giving the dozy fucker Flinstones vitamins or Tic Tacs and telling him its Hydroxychloroquine. https://t.co/PvzTGeTMwH — Nick Pettigrew (@Nick_Pettigrew) May 18, 2020
READ MORE
Donald Trump thinks testing increases cases of Covid-19 – the only 5 scathing takedowns you need to read
Source Aaron Rupar Image Aaron Rupar @nci on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-05-18--Sarah Michelle Gellar posted this on Instragram and surely speaks for us all

Rarely has a Hollywood actress spoken so accurately and concisely not just for the country but the entire planet .
@ @ @ @ @ Gellar who posted this on Instagram .
‘ Got ta respect a person in showbiz @ @ @ @ @ some kids , and ( as far as this layman knows ) is still a @ @ @ @ @ with little to no tabloid presence.
’ arcticocean84 Kate Beckinsale grooming her grumpy looking cat @ @ @ @ @ need right now

Pics
Rarely has a Hollywood actress spoken so accurately and concisely not just for the country but the entire planet.
It’s Sarah Michelle Gellar who posted this on Instagram.
‘Gotta respect a person in showbiz who got married, had some kids, and (as far as this layman knows) is still a stable functional part of society with little to no tabloid presence.’ arcticocean84
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Kate Beckinsale grooming her grumpy looking cat is the content we all need right now
Source Reddit u/Sleeeepy_Hollow


thepoke--2020-05-18--This dog’s super cautious after it ran into a glass door and it’s totally adorable

‘ Awww ’ moment of the week surely goes to this dog who ’ s got what you might call @ @ @ @ @ it once ran into a glass door .
‘ Knew someone who had a Great @ @ @ @ @ kitchen with a freshly waxed floor .
For the rest of his life he slowly @ @ @ @ @ Wardencliff-Tower ‘ My moms Great Dane fell down a couple stairs when he was a @ @ @ @ @ , 6 years later , he takes each step very slowly lifting each leg as @ @ @ @ @ and carefully placing it on the next step .
That ’ s going down .
@ @ @ @ @ s just 3 leaps up a full flight.
’ SigourneyOrbWeaver ‘ I love how with @ @ @ @ @ see how convinced he is that there ’ s an invisible force field in the @ @ @ @ @ just can ’ t quite put his paw on it.
’ Theoricus

‘Awww’ moment of the week surely goes to this dog who’s got what you might call an abundance of caution after it once ran into a glass door.
Utterly adorable.
‘Knew someone who had a Great Dane who barreled into a kitchen with a freshly waxed floor. For the rest of his life he slowly backed into the kitchen.’ Wardencliff-Tower
‘My moms Great Dane fell down a couple stairs when he was a puppy and to this day, 6 years later, he takes each step very slowly lifting each leg as high as it will go and carefully placing it on the next step. That’s going down. Going up, it’s just 3 leaps up a full flight.’ SigourneyOrbWeaver
‘I love how with the golden retriever you can see how convinced he is that there’s an invisible force field in the kitchen somewhere. But he just can’t quite put his paw on it.’ Theoricus
‘Imagine slamming into a window nose first. I can’t blame him.’ IceNein


thepoke--2020-05-18--This woman made a brilliant art gallery especially for her cat and no detail was left out

They say that lockdown brings the creativity out in everyone ( well , not everyone ) and it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ who did this for her cat .
A homemade art gallery especially for her beloved @ @ @ @ @ brilliant .
‘ Week 8 of lockdown : My girlfriend made an art gallery for @ @ @ @ @ @ LittleLostLad over on Twitter .
No wonder it went so viral .
The level @ @ @ @ @ none .
And just some of the things people were saying about it .
And @ @ @ @ @ more of them can be found here … Why you should never start a fight @ @ @ @ @ Don ’ t throw hands if you ’ re not gon na finish it , @ @

Pics
They say that lockdown brings out the creativity in everyone (well, not everyone) and it’s certainly true of this woman who did this for her cat.
A homemade art gallery especially for her beloved pet and it’s brilliant.
‘Week 8 of lockdown: My girlfriend made an art gallery for our cat,’ said @LittleLostLad over on Twitter.
No wonder it went so viral. The level of detail was second to none.
And just some of the things people were saying about it.
I love that the cat is really into it. — Jan Ravens (@thatjanravens) May 15, 2020
That’s what I said to my sister. Such a cultured cat — Luke Kempner (@LukeKempner) May 15, 2020
Amazing! I love it! I went out of town once and my friend made me these when I came back. pic.twitter.com/OxvFOhkDUV — Matt (@eveningclasses) May 15, 2020
Excellent work 👏🏼👏🏼! My husband and our cat Malcolm recreated one of your pictures! pic.twitter.com/rdNr5mzG6i — Kerry in Limavady (@kerryinlimavady) May 15, 2020
And here they are.
Lots more of them can be found here …
For plenty more cat content: https://t.co/Ynyu7Jt3rp — Jake Lambert (@LittleLostLad) May 16, 2020
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Why you should never start a fight with a cat: ‘Don’t throw hands if you’re not gonna finish it, Janice’
Source @LittleLostLad


thepoke--2020-05-18--This American restaurant is using inflatable dolls to ensure people social distance and it’s a bit o

This American restaurant is using inflatable dolls to ensure people social distance and it’s a bit of a jaw-dropper

You might have seen the German cafe which helped make sure its customers social distance by asking them to wear @ @ @ @ @ South Carolina took a different approach to the same problem by using inflatable dolls , @ @ @ @ @ @ nowthisnews .
We ’ re still trying to figure out which one ’ s @ @ @ @ @ , not creepy at all in any way whatsoever .
People love how this German @ @ @ @ @ distance from each other

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You might have seen the German cafe which helped make sure its customers social distance by asking them to wear these.
Oh my god, this is amazing. A German cafe is making people wear swimming pool noodles as hats to enforce social distancing. Pic via Cafe & Konditorei Rothe on Facebook https://t.co/fMgqgbTdt6 pic.twitter.com/ds0whysqqi — Katy Lee (@kjalee) May 14, 2020
This restaurant in South Carolina took a different approach to the same problem by using inflatable dolls, report the good people of @nowthisnews.
And we’re still trying to figure out which one’s the more bizarre.
This South Carolina restaurant is enforcing physical distancing guidelines by placing inflatable dolls at some of its tables 👀 pic.twitter.com/LyJSAu92zS — NowThis (@nowthisnews) May 18, 2020
‘It’s a concept that’s not frightening to people …’
No, not creepy at all in any way whatsoever.
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People love how this German cafe is ensuring people social distance from each other
Source @nowthisnews


thepoke--2020-05-18--Kate Beckinsale grooming her grumpy looking cat is the content we all need right now

Just the escape we needed from the outside world right now , a rather fabulous video from Kate Beckinsale ’ @ @ @ @ @ grooming her grumpy – very grumpy – looking cat .
It went viral because , @ @ @ @ @ for yourself .
And there ’ s more , this time with a soothing hairdryer @ @ @ @ @ of sending us to … Kate Beckinsale shared her encounter with Harvey Weinstein and it @ @ @

Twitter
Just the escape we needed from the outside world right now, a rather fabulous video from Kate Beckinsale’s Instagram of the actress grooming her grumpy – very grumpy – looking cat.
It went viral because, well, have a watch for yourself.
Kate Beckinsale's videos with her very patient, grumpy looking cat is one of my favourite things about instagram pic.twitter.com/qhC2WrGwbN — Elizabeth May (@_ElizabethMay) May 17, 2020
That face!
And there’s more, this time with a soothing hairdryer noise which is in danger of sending us to …
Like, every video with Kate Beckinsale's cat has this expression like, "I love this, and I'm furious about that" pic.twitter.com/w53VwtqxFY — Elizabeth May (@_ElizabethMay) May 17, 2020
That’s a special kind of cat.
I refuse to believe this is a cat. Cats do not do this. They are genetically programmed specifically not to do this. — Dansk404 (@CrispyFloyd) May 17, 2020
She must have the most patient cat ever born. Even wrapped in a towel my cat would have taken my entire arm off one scratch at a time. — Caryn Downing (@gamermom742) May 17, 2020
"I love this. DAMN YOU. A CURSE ON YOUR CHILDREN." pic.twitter.com/UzuYxU8W6U — Elizabeth May (@_ElizabethMay) May 17, 2020
But what if …
This cat is plotting Kate Beckinsale's slow, painful death https://t.co/8w85wplpgM — Kate Socialising Distantly Bevan (@katebevan) May 17, 2020
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Kate Beckinsale shared her encounter with Harvey Weinstein and it’s horrific
Source @_ElizabethMay


thepoke--2020-05-18--People love this home video made by tenants forced to leave their rented flat

This must be absolutely the worst time to be forced to leave your rented home .
But what kind of @ @ @ @ @ the departing tenants to make a video of the flat ?
Except actor and producer @ @ @ @ @ best response .
He did this .
And just in case you were wondering … @ @ @ @ @ on Twitter here .
This house for sale in Cork , Ireland has gone viral @ @ @ @ @ garden is something else

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This must be absolutely the worst time to be forced to leave your rented home. But what kind of letting agent would also ask the departing tenants to make a video of the flat?
Except actor and producer @sandybatchelor had absolutely the best response. He did this.
Our letting agent asked us to make a video of the flat we are basically being forced out of. I wish them the very best of luck. pic.twitter.com/h3fcOw657w — Sandy Batchelor (@sandybatchelor) May 17, 2020
Bloody brilliant.
I believe you’ve been told this a thousand times but this is glorious — James Felton (@JimMFelton) May 17, 2020
Everything in this video is perfect. pic.twitter.com/xyU1wyCDoR — Simon Hunt (@Simian01) May 17, 2020
this is fucking ICONIC!!! also, fuck these people. I hope you get a lovely place soon with no fucking damp, rats or shit doors. — Sarah Phelps (@PhelpsieSarah) May 17, 2020
I’m so sorry that this has happened to you, if there is anything practical people can do to help let us know! X — Sara Pascoe (@sarapascoe) May 17, 2020
Digging up the plants is a supreme act of spite and bitterness. You sir have my unending admiration! pic.twitter.com/di2N2o3HJA — Don O'Meara (@don_o_meara) May 17, 2020
And just in case you were wondering …
It’s all true! This from the beginning of December! pic.twitter.com/0IXanccbz0 — Sandy Batchelor (@sandybatchelor) May 17, 2020
You can follow @sandybatchelor on Twitter here.
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This house for sale in Cork, Ireland has gone viral because the neighbour’s garden is something else
Source @sandybatchelor


thepoke--2020-05-18--This takedown of someone who doubted the worth of wearing a mask is a thing of brutal beauty

Early contender for takedown of the week is this response to someone who doubted the worth of wearing a mask @ @ @ @ @ of coronavirus .
In particular they were sceptical of the official advice from the CDC @ @ @ @ @ Control and Prevention in the US .
And it went like this .
‘ Best @ @ @ @ @ in here in fucking ages .
Breathing Dunning-Kruger graph ?
?
?
Holy shit , @ @ @ @ @ !
’ BobbitTheDog ‘ Intelligent people realize when they are out of their depth of @ @ @ @ @ experts in those times … This is not one of those people.
’ senor_steez Just @ @ @ @ @ anyone thinking of asking something similar

Popular
Early contender for takedown of the week is this response to someone who doubted the worth of wearing a mask to help prevent the spread of coronavirus.
In particular they were sceptical of the official advice from the CDC, the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention in the US.
And it went like this.
Brutally – and beautifully – done.
‘Best one I’ve seen in here in fucking ages. Breathing Dunning-Kruger graph??? Holy shit, I’m stealing that!’ BobbitTheDog ‘Intelligent people realize when they are out of their depth of experience, and defer to experts in those times … This is not one of those people.’ senor_steez
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Just a brutal Covid-19 takedown for anyone thinking of asking something similar
Source Reddit u/TheJedibugs


thepoke--2020-05-18--This TikTok would have been funny but the interruption made it so much funnier

You ’ ve probably seen at least one clip of people doing the TikTok dance , but there isn ’ @ @ @ @ @ this , shared by @ nathwhiteee .
The costume and mask made it funny , @ @ @ @ @ s face made it hilarious .
Someone named Goo Punch didn ’ t recognise whose @ @ @ @ @ .
There ’ s a reason why this dancer ’ s Tina Turner act has @ @ @ @ @ yourself

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You’ve probably seen at least one clip of people doing the TikTok dance, but there isn’t another one quite like this, shared by @nathwhiteee.
That’s the last time I help my mum do a Tiktok pic.twitter.com/TmpEnrmPW7 — whitey (@nathwhiteee) May 15, 2020
The costume and mask made it funny, but the delivery guy’s face made it hilarious.
People loved it.
OK. It’s done. TikTok has peaked. Switch it off we’ve all had our fun. This is perfect comedy. https://t.co/T0rWFm1E0P — Greg James (@gregjames) May 16, 2020
Someone named Goo Punch didn’t recognise whose face was on the mask.
What makes this even funnier is this isn’t her face it’s a photo of somebody’s face taped on to hers and I’m screaming — Goo Punch (@Mscookiieparker) May 16, 2020
And your reply makes the whole tweet even funnier 😂 God Bless The Queen 👑 — Margo (@Margo40396971) May 17, 2020
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There’s a reason why this dancer’s Tina Turner act has gone viral – see for yourself
Source whitey Image whitey


thepoke--2020-05-18--18 of the funniest posts we’ve seen about living in a pandemic

Are you staying alert ?
Have you spotted any suspicious viruses in your area ?
Keep your senses honed by @ @ @ @ @ tweets about it all .

Twitter
Are you staying alert? Have you spotted any suspicious viruses in your area? Keep your senses honed by reading people’s funny tweets about it all.
1.
Am I allowed to meet someone in a park who can give me a filling. — KatieCurtis (@KatieCurtis) May 14, 2020
2.
After I went to Costco this morning, they updated their policy to "You can't wear JUST a mask." — Just Bill (@WilliamAder) May 9, 2020
3.
One of the local tennis coaches is taking extreme hygiene measures. pic.twitter.com/0sEop3mynr — Jane Casey (@JaneCaseyAuthor) May 15, 2020
4.
It's interesting, I have drunk very little booze during lockdown as I've never really enjoyed drinking by myself. This evening, however, I've had a few gin & tonics. I thought they might have a big impact on me, but I'm not drunk at all you're my best mate. — Richard Osman (@richardosman) May 17, 2020
5.
What a time to be partly alive. — Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) May 15, 2020
6.
Fun way to discover your parents run the BBC website. pic.twitter.com/KBNp7Ey79f — Sarah Bennetto (@sarahbennetto) May 15, 2020
7.
Giving the kids a packet of stickers to play with while you have video meeting. Would not recommend.
3/10 pic.twitter.com/OSPVvG3n6w — Paul (@bingowings14) May 16, 2020
8.
As worrying pictures from London suggest life has returned to normal just days after lockdown announcement, govt updates slogan: pic.twitter.com/eYCCrbbvOK — Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) May 13, 2020
9.