thepoke--2020-06-01--People were not happy at Matt Hancock’s horse racing announcement – these 7 won by a head

Mere days after a report concluded that the Cheltenham Festival caused a great many excess deaths , Matt Hancock , @ @ @ @ @ Health and Social Care , as well as the MP for the constituency that includes @ @ @ @ @ horse racing would be returning .
Not everyone shared his joy .
These people expressed @ @ @ @ @ of sarcasm , dark humour and cutting wit .
The very talented Hopeless Surfer used @ @ @ @ @ to put the move into perspective .
This ‘ British remake of Joker ’ starring @ @ @ @ @ and so cleverly done

Twitter
Mere days after a report concluded that the Cheltenham Festival caused a great many excess deaths, Matt Hancock, the Secretary of State for Health and Social Care, as well as the MP for the constituency that includes Newmarket, gleefully declared that horse racing would be returning.
Thanks to the nation’s resolve, horseracing is back from Monday Wonderful news for our wonderful sport — Matt Hancock (@MattHancock) May 30, 2020
Not everyone shared his joy. These people expressed their feelings through a mixture of sarcasm, dark humour and cutting wit.
1.
The nightmare is over https://t.co/HJm3vlPJy7 — Rufus Sewell (@FredrikSewell) May 30, 2020
2.
I want to see my dad, not a horsie sustain injuries that’ll get it shot. — James Felton (@JimMFelton) May 30, 2020
3.
Who does “our” refer to here? The whole country, most of whom have not much interest in horse racing? Bookies? Toffs? https://t.co/mZ4qoG2J0P — David Baddiel (@Baddiel) May 30, 2020
4.
Fucking great news. What with Cheltenham being such a roaring success and everything. — 🏳🌈 Max 🏳🌈 (@SpillerOfTea) May 30, 2020
5.
We're all going to be in lockdown until 2021 because the PM couldnt stop his mate going on a road trip, made all the rules confusing as fuck instead of doing anything sensible so everyone went to the park to get pissed but dont worry horse racing is back — TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) May 31, 2020
6.
I’ve got a tenner on Second Wave in the 1.15pm at Newmarket. — Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) May 30, 2020
7.
The very talented Hopeless Surfer used the language of the sport to put the move into perspective.
Matt Hancock has declared horse racing will return. Here are the runners and riders for the first race on Monday#coronavirus #COVID19 @MattHancock pic.twitter.com/9d9wUYR51y — Hopeless Surfer (@HopelessSurfer) May 30, 2020
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This ‘British remake of Joker’ starring Matt Hancock is very funny and so cleverly done
Source Matt Hancock Image @ourselp on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-06-02--Get ready for a roller coaster of emotions in this heartwarming swan love story

With everything that ’ s going on in the news , we thought you might enjoy something that has nothing @ @ @ @ @ , Covid-19 or Brexit negotiations , and this swan love story fitted the bill .
@ @ @ @ @ turn .
When a new pair of swans arrived , it looked like it might @ @ @ @ @ the lonely widow .
She had company at the sanctuary .
When it was time @ @ @ @ @ friend had other ideas .
It ’ s a myth that a swan can break @ @ @ @ @ with its wing , but it could definitely do some damage with its beak .
@ @ @ @ @ …

Popular
With everything that’s going on in the news, we thought you might enjoy something that has nothing to do with mass protests, Covid-19 or Brexit negotiations, and this swan love story fitted the bill.
It’s fairly long, but there isn’t a single wasted moment.
Hampstead Heath’s official Twitter account set the idyllic scene.
THREAD! We'd like to tell you all a story of love, loss and big blue Ikea bags, by popular demand! It's the story of a swan, and takes place on London's famous Hampstead Heath (that's us). Back in 2016, two swans lived happily in the Heath's ponds (on the Highgate side)… pic.twitter.com/ia0TS0H5Vj — Hampstead Heath (@CityCorpHeath) June 1, 2020
It soon took a sad turn.
Swans generally mate for life – like humans, they will sometimes get "divorced", and if one dies they will often find another partner. One day, the pair were flying together when the male swan hit a building and sadly died. His widow was left alone on the Highgate ponds. — Hampstead Heath (@CityCorpHeath) June 1, 2020
For four years, the widowed swan spent her days alone, flying between the Highgate ponds as if looking for her lost mate. Just after he died she made a nest and laid unfertilised eggs. She never left to find anyone new, and any suitors who tried their luck were swiftly rejected. — Hampstead Heath (@CityCorpHeath) June 1, 2020
When a new pair of swans arrived, it looked like it might add insult to injury for the lonely widow.
Earlier this year, another pair of swans appeared on the Highgate ponds. Swans are territorial so we all wondered how she would react. Then she disappeared and nobody could find her! Was this the tragic consequence of a swan turf war? Had she fled, or been killed by the new pair? — Hampstead Heath (@CityCorpHeath) June 1, 2020
There was a development.
A few days later, just before the UK went into lockdown, our Heath rangers received a phone call from a woman living nearby who had an unusual problem: there was a swan stuck on her roof. Could it be our widowed swan? All in a day's work for our rangers, so up they climbed… pic.twitter.com/Vojo7ex6lH — Hampstead Heath (@CityCorpHeath) June 1, 2020
The swan on the roof was quickly identified as our missing widow. She was collected by the amazing volunteers from The Swan Sanctuary, which really deserves its own thread: its founder, Dot Beeson, started it in her backyard, sold her own home to expand it and was awarded an MBE! — Hampstead Heath (@CityCorpHeath) June 1, 2020
She had company at the sanctuary.
The rescued swan spent the weekend at the Swan Sanctuary. Since January, the Sanctuary had been home to a male swan, who'd been rescued after a territorial fight at Waltham Abbey and needed surgery to remove two fishing hooks found in his throat. Our widow was placed in his pen. — Hampstead Heath (@CityCorpHeath) June 1, 2020
When it was time to leave, her new friend had other ideas.
Soon she seemed fine to head home, so they went to retrieve her. The large male swan stood in the way. They let the two settle and tried again, and again he stood in the way. When they finally got her into the car, she cried for the male swan. Could it be love at first sight? — Hampstead Heath (@CityCorpHeath) June 1, 2020
It’s a myth that a swan can break a man’s arm with its wing, but it could definitely do some damage with its beak. There was a safer option …


thepoke--2020-06-02--Priti Patel’s impromptu Numberwang has had the Room Next Door treatment – and it’s perfect

We aren ’ t sure what we ’ ve done to deserve this , but Michael Spicer has made another @ @ @ @ @ this one about Priti Patel ’ s mathematically challenged daily briefing .
Every homeschooling , @ @ @ @ @ to empathise .
Created for BBC2 ’ s lockdown series Comedians : Home Alone , @ @ @ @ @ again cuts right through the flannel , laying the hapless politician ’ s flaws comically @ @ @ @ @ ’ t catch the new series on Monday night at 10pm , it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ worth a watch to see not just Michael but also Rachel Parris , Kerry Godliman @ @ @ @ @ form and much more .
Michael Spicer was in the Room Next Door to Dominic @ @ @ @

Videos
We aren’t sure what we’ve done to deserve this, but Michael Spicer has made another Room Next Door sketch, this one about Priti Patel’s mathematically challenged daily briefing.
Every homeschooling, home-working parent must be able to empathise.
“Don’t smirk!”
Created for BBC2’s lockdown series Comedians: Home Alone, Michael’s sketch once again cuts right through the flannel, laying the hapless politician’s flaws comically bare.
If you didn’t catch the new series on Monday night at 10pm, it’s available on iPlayer and well worth a watch to see not just Michael but also Rachel Parris, Kerry Godliman, Bob Mortimer in animated form and much more.
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Michael Spicer was in the Room Next Door to Dominic Cummings’ press conference
Source Michael Spicer Image Michael Spicer


thepoke--2020-06-02--“Black market lockdown haircut” is hilarious and very very relatable

Irish comedy trio Foil Arms and Hog have imagined what it might be like to try and get a decent haircut these days , with salons left off any lists of loosened lockdown rules .
We think they ’ ve nailed it – watch this and see what we mean .
“ The way these fellas use the fact that they can only use individual cameras genius ” Thingsido “ Reasons why the police are knocking at Hog ’ s door : 1 .
They want some Krispy Kreme donuts 2 .
They also want a hug from Foil 3 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and that ’ s a crime , lockdown or no lockdown ” Aisling Torrallardona-Murphy “ This is no joke , my granny is now a fugitive .
She broke lockdown to get her hair done .
Haven ’ t seen her in 5 weeks and last I heard was that the police have set up road blocks .
At least in her mugshots she ’ ll have nice hair !
“ The fool – nice hair is just evidence for the prosecution .
When the parents take self-isolation a bit too literally

Videos
Irish comedy trio Foil Arms and Hog have imagined what it might be like to try and get a decent haircut these days, with salons left off any lists of loosened lockdown rules.
We think they’ve nailed it – watch this and see what we mean.
YouTube users were rightly impressed.
“The way these fellas use the fact that they can only use individual cameras genius”
Thingsido
“Reasons why the police are knocking at Hog’s door:
1. They want some Krispy Kreme donuts
2. They also want a hug from Foil
3. They heard Hog likes the recorder, and that’s a crime, lockdown or no lockdown”
Aisling Torrallardona-Murphy
“A hug for a haircut, jesus that’s extortionate now.
Hope he’s not expecting a tip as well…”
Cloud [2512]
NeverTrustADuck played along …
“This is no joke, my granny is now a fugitive. She broke lockdown to get her hair done. Haven’t seen her in 5 weeks and last I heard was that the police have set up road blocks. At least in her mugshots she’ll have nice hair!“
The fool – nice hair is just evidence for the prosecution.
READ MORE
When the parents take self-isolation a bit too literally
Source Foil Arms and Hog Image Foil Arms and Hog


thepoke--2020-06-02--The government eased the lockdown on the advice of a non-existent body – our 8 favourite responses

If we ’ ve heard the government say they were following the science once , we ’ ve heard it @ @ @ @ @ thirty four , nine hundred and seventy four thousand times .
As a large number @ @ @ @ @ the easing of lockdown , that may not be strictly true – or loosely true @ @ @ @ @ daily briefing , ITV ’ s Tom Clarke asked Matt Hancock about the Joint Biosecurity @ @ @ @ @ created to collate all the evidence and aid decision making on the coronavirus strategy .
@ @ @ @ @ formulated at the moment.
” is Hancock-speak for “ No we haven ’ t set @ @ @ @ @ did you have to go and ask that ?
” This is some of what @ @ @ @ @ it .
If you were wondering why the government had eased the lockdown on the @ @ @ @ @ , the wonderful parody account , @ BorisJohnson_MP had a suggestion .
The coronavirus briefings @ @ @ @ @ of an ’ 80s American TV show are just brilliant

Twitter
If we’ve heard the government say they were following the science once, we’ve heard it three hundred thousand, and thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand times.
As a large number of scientists have warned against the easing of lockdown, that may not be strictly true – or loosely true.
During Monday’s daily briefing, ITV’s Tom Clarke asked Matt Hancock about the Joint Biosecurity Centre – the body supposedly created to collate all the evidence and aid decision making on the coronavirus strategy.
Mr Hancock tells @TomClarke_ITV that the Joint Biosecurity Centre – the body tasked with assessing the Covid-19 alert level – is not yet up and running.https://t.co/Q7dFU6QwmR pic.twitter.com/gdjyxmZ2tD — ITV News (@itvnews) June 1, 2020
“It’s being formulated at the moment.” is Hancock-speak for “No we haven’t set it up yet – why did you have to go and ask that?”
Matt Hancock answers @peterwalker99 question on localised lockdowns by citing a Joint Bio-Security Centre that doesn't yet exist — John Crace (@JohnJCrace) June 1, 2020
This is some of what people had to say about it.
1.
The fact we are being guided on coronavirus strategy by a body that doesn't exist yet is the most Boris Johnson thing ever. https://t.co/HDJLckHG95 — James Doleman (@jamesdoleman) June 1, 2020
2.
Jesus Christ, we’re moving down from level 4 to level 3 and implementing measures they said we’d implement at level 1 on the advice of a body that doesn’t actually exist https://t.co/SyuBfZKb1u — James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 1, 2020
3.
Presumably all the decisions are now being made by consulting the entrails of a chicken. https://t.co/jNqgS9hjGm — Davey Six-Toes (@HutchinsonDave) June 1, 2020
4.
Sure that won’t be a problem for Dominic He will be busy editing – sorry – creating their historical minutes https://t.co/UwFAbfJvYk — ScottishPanda (@PandaScottish) June 1, 2020
5.
So let me get this straight: the JBC, which – as the Govt told us only last week assessed the #COVID19 alert level – doesn’t actually exist yet …. So who assessed the changes then? 🤯 https://t.co/kWoSsmYGGf — Prof Tanja Bueltmann @🏠 (@cliodiaspora) June 1, 2020
6.
Matt Hancock’s like one of those delusional contestants on The Apprentice. He would definitely be fired in week one! — Fifi (@fififorgetful) June 1, 2020
7.
Joint Biosecurity Centre. “Exists” but not yet “formulated”. It’s like Seaborne Freight all over again! — Neil O'Doherty Ⓥ 🤘 (@eaglepeaknaod) June 1, 2020
8.
So they’re just making it up as it goes along – & pretending the science supports them https://t.co/9m50ORKNpB — Angela Eagle (@angelaeagle) June 1, 2020
If you were wondering why the government had eased the lockdown on the advice of a non-existent body, the wonderful parody account, @BorisJohnson_MP had a suggestion.
There are of course very good reasons for easing the lockdown:
-we've stopped even pretending to follow the science
-we're sick of paying your wages
-Dom told me to#BorisHasFailedUK — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) June 1, 2020
READ MORE
The coronavirus briefings given credits in the style of an ’80s American TV show are just brilliant
Source ITV News Image BBC


thepoke--2020-06-02--Ivanka Trump’s bible quote went down like a snake in the garden – the only 5 takedowns you need

In the midst of the most widespread protests seen during his presidency , Donald Trump has been stoking anger with @ @ @ @ @ protesters “ thugs ” .
His daughter Ivanka took a different tack .
Twitter wasn @ @ @ @ @ was genuine concern behind the message , and the takedowns were biblical .
The final @ @ @ @ @ @ TheTweetOfGod account , who spoke on behalf of its character .
Donald Trump hid @ @ @ @ @ – 13 of the funniest things people said about it

Twitter
In the midst of the most widespread protests seen during his presidency, Donald Trump has been stoking anger with his tweets – calling the protesters “thugs”. His daughter Ivanka took a different tack.
“This is what the Lord said: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you.” 2 Kings 20:5 — Ivanka Trump (@IvankaTrump) May 31, 2020
Twitter wasn’t convinced that there was genuine concern behind the message, and the takedowns were biblical.
1.
Sweatshop Barbie googles a passage: https://t.co/L5CDUOrraN — Randi Mayem Singer (@rmayemsinger) May 31, 2020
2.
3.
fuck. Ivanka™ decided her brand needed the occasional 100% insincere scripture post. such a Stepford fascist. https://t.co/7BNDgdiL7h — Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) May 31, 2020
4.
This is what your father said: "When the looting starts, the shooting starts" https://t.co/m4us9rLmLg — Judd Legum (@JuddLegum) May 31, 2020
5.
Thoughts and prayers for America's burning cities. What a joke https://t.co/xjizRxwOEJ — Scott Greer (@ScottMGreer) May 31, 2020
The final word is from the excellent @TheTweetOfGod account, who spoke on behalf of its character.
Don't you ever fucking quote Me again, you hideous witch. https://t.co/A7fGl1qU9g — God (@TheTweetOfGod) May 31, 2020
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Donald Trump hid in the White House bunker – 13 of the funniest things people said about it
Source Ivanka Trump Image ABC


thepoke--2020-06-01--Donald Trump hid in the White House bunker – 13 of the funniest things people said about it

Donald Trump was rushed to a White House bunker during protests against the death of George Floyd , it ’ @ @ @ @ @ so-called president is believed to have spent almost an hour in the bunker – designed @ @ @ @ @ attacks – as violent demonstrations took place across the US ( including outside the White @ @ @ @ @ exact reverse of what you ’ d normally say about Trump , the lights were @ @ @ @ @ .
Anyway , here are 16 of the funniest and most on-point things people said @ @ @ @ @ @ edgarwright had the best idea , the very best idea .

Twitter
Donald Trump was rushed to a White House bunker during protests against the death of George Floyd, it’s been reported.
The so-called president is believed to have spent almost an hour in the bunker – designed for emergencies such as terror attacks – as violent demonstrations took place across the US (including outside the White House).
WHITE HOUSE LIGHTS OFF WH WENT DARK pic.twitter.com/plnOX26B2X — CryptøManiac101 (@_Crypto_Maniac_) June 1, 2020
In the exact reverse of what you’d normally say about Trump, the lights were off but somebody was home.
Anyway, here are 16 of the funniest and most on-point things people said about it.
1.
BREAKING: Man who thinks a mask makes him look weak is now hiding in a bunker. — danmicovic (@danmicovic) June 1, 2020
2.
Trump turned the lights off like he ran out of candy on Halloween. #BunkerBoy pic.twitter.com/sQF0WYSNOt — I See Thread People (@ScaryJBlige_) June 1, 2020
3.
You’ve got to hand it to the fascists, they really know how to spend their final days hiding in a bunker while being dominated by the Russians. — rufus jones (@rufusjones1) June 1, 2020
4.
It is incredible how a proven coward president has the balls to tell governors to get tougher, while he hides in his bunker — American Veteran (@amvetsupport) June 1, 2020
5.
Remember when he said he’d run unarmed towards a school shooting to help out https://t.co/hoa6SX4ohC — James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 1, 2020
6.
Can anyone think of any other leaders of a country who have fled to a bunker to hide from people fighting against fascism? — Pundamentalism (@Pundamentalism) June 1, 2020
7.
HEY HATERS, maybe he wasn’t hiding in the bunker. Maybe he was undergoing treatment for his syphilis, EVER THINK OF THAT?? — Jon Wurster (@jonwurster) June 1, 2020
8.
Why do all the worst dictators love bunkers? — Ken Olin (@kenolin1) June 1, 2020
9.
. @realDonaldTrump hey babe got ne good netflix recommendations from the bunker? — Joe Lycett (@joelycett) June 1, 2020
10.
"Stop comparing Trump to Hitler it's ridiculous" *Trump calls anti fascists the real terrorists and hides in a bunker as his country goes to shit* https://t.co/ZDj1G3QRJx — TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) June 1, 2020
11.
They've literally put @realDonaldTrump in a lead lined bunker to stop him tweeting haven't they. — christhebarker (@christhebarker) June 1, 2020
12.
Let's face facts, Trump has spent most of his presidency in a bunker, though admittedly usually at Mar-a-Lago hacking with a pitching wedge. — Shaun Keaveny (@shaunwkeaveny) June 1, 2020
13.
#BunkerBoy wants to know if it's safe to come out yet. pic.twitter.com/oxTItKYRek — lindstr (@Lindstr7) June 1, 2020
And director @edgarwright had the best idea, the very best idea.
When Trump comes out of the bunker, everyone HIDE. — edgarwright (@edgarwright) June 1, 2020
READ MORE
Gary Lineker tweeted ‘black lives matter’ and these grimly predictable responses got exactly the treatment they deserved


thepoke--2020-06-01--The moment these cops realise they’re arresting the wrong guy just went wildly viral

This video from the US of the moment these cops realised they were arresting the wrong man just went wildly @ @ @ @ @ ’ s not from the protests happening in cities across America , as some people @ @ @ @ @ they are arresting may ( or may not ) be an FBI agent .
But @ @ @ @ @ extraordinary watch .
Whatever the ID was he had in his back pocket , it @ @ @ @ @ Here ’ s what the person who posted the video on Twitter said later .
@ @ @ @ @ discussion about the video including when it was recorded here , on the International Business @ @ @ @ @ ‘ black lives matter ’ and these grimly predictable responses got exactly the treatment they @

Videos
This video from the US of the moment these cops realised they were arresting the wrong man just went wildly viral on Twitter.
It’s not from the protests happening in cities across America, as some people assume, and the man they are arresting may (or may not) be an FBI agent.
But it’s still an extraordinary watch.
The moment when they realised they just attempted to arrest an FBI agent… 🙂 pic.twitter.com/sw3t3iexKg — Nics Monique (@NicsMonique) June 1, 2020
Whatever the ID was he had in his back pocket, it certainly did the trick.
This is how the video started… pic.twitter.com/MbmSorZWTg — Nics Monique (@NicsMonique) June 1, 2020
I was skeptical about him being FBI because he was using foul language and generally didn't behave like an agent would. Still, they should have asked to see his ID from the start. — Pussona Pelona (@PussonaPelona) June 1, 2020
If he's not an FBI agent, he's someone important because they would not immediately take the handcuffs off anyone else even if the ID showed a different name. — veronicanyce (@VeronicaNyce) June 1, 2020
“YALL REALLY HAD NOTHING ELSE TO GO TO COLLEGE FOR BUT BE A COP AND HARASS ME” 💀💀 — Alex (@SahagunPalacios) June 1, 2020
Whatever was on that ID those cops changed their tunes in .5 seconds. They were actually scared. — DiabloEscobar ♊🔥🎙 (@dvme_WillBarYou) June 1, 2020
Here’s what the person who posted the video on Twitter said later.
Apparently he wasn’t FBI although a lot of other sources states he was.. but even if he wasn’t… still a gem x — Nics Monique (@NicsMonique) June 1, 2020
There’s lots more discussion about the video including when it was recorded here, on the International Business Times.
READ MORE
Gary Lineker tweeted ‘black lives matter’ and these grimly predictable responses got exactly the treatment they deserved
Source @NicsMonique


thepoke--2020-06-01--This George Orwell quote from 1984 fits these Sun front pages like a super, soaraway glove

It ’ s fair to say that some sections of the media have been more excited ( and less concerned ) about the easing of lockdown restrictions than others .
And few outlets have been more excited than the Sun .
And as highlighted by @ SunApology on Twitter , these recent front pages were an uncanny echo of a line from Orwell ’ s 1984 .
Here ’ s that quote , and a bit more , if you ’ re in the mood for it .
“ Heavy physical work , the care of home and children , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ football , beer , and above all , gambling filled up the horizon of their minds .
To keep them in control was not difficult… .
All that was required of them was a primitive patriotism which could be appealed to whenever it was necessary to make them accept longer working hours or shorter rations .
And when they became discontented , as they sometimes did , their discontentment led nowhere , because being without general ideas , they could only focus it on petty specific grievances.
” Never mind that , we @ @ @ @ @ @

Twitter
It’s fair to say that some sections of the media have been more excited (and less concerned) about the easing of lockdown restrictions than others.
And few outlets have been more excited than the Sun. And as highlighted by @SunApology on Twitter, these recent front pages were an uncanny echo of a line from Orwell’s 1984.
“Football, beer, and above all, gambling filled up the horizon of their minds. To keep them in control was not difficult…” George Orwell, '1984' (h/t @lofty_london) pic.twitter.com/4dQOKQU09f — The Sun Apologies (@SunApology) June 1, 2020
Here’s that quote, and a bit more, if you’re in the mood for it.
“Heavy physical work, the care of home and children, petty quarrels with neighbors, films, football, beer, and above all, gambling filled up the horizon of their minds. To keep them in control was not difficult…. All that was required of them was a primitive patriotism which could be appealed to whenever it was necessary to make them accept longer working hours or shorter rations. And when they became discontented, as they sometimes did, their discontentment led nowhere, because being without general ideas, they could only focus it on petty specific grievances.”
Never mind that, we’re off to Ikea.
Sublime tweet of the week https://t.co/Fr7i3jHJmN — Andrew Screen (@aneercs) June 1, 2020
READ MORE
‘Dominic Cummings has radicalised the Daily Star’
Source @SunApology @lofty_london


thepoke--2020-06-01--People rushed back to Ikea after lockdown eased today – favourite 5 responses

Now that lockdown restrictions have eased up a little bit ( to what extent depends which part of the country @ @ @ @ @ course ) it ’ s not just the beach everyone can ’ t wait to @ @ @ @ @ everyone wants to go to Ikea as well .
And when we say ‘ everyone @ @ @ @ @ really not exaggerating .
Much .
Seriously , look at the length of this queue @ @ @ @ @ .
And here are our favourite 5 things people said about that .
This American @ @ @ @ @ Stars and Stripes and was schooled into next week

News
Now that lockdown restrictions have eased up a little bit (to what extent depends which part of the country you live in, of course) it’s not just the beach everyone can’t wait to get to.
Turns out everyone wants to go to Ikea as well. And when we say ‘everyone’, we’re really not exaggerating. Much.
Take a look at this lot.
Thousands flock to Ikea stores across the UK as 19 branches reopen to the public https://t.co/oPqNZRW059 pic.twitter.com/FWOxKURUNb — Mirror Money Saving (@MirrorMoney) June 1, 2020
And have a watch of the length of this queue (stick with it, seriously).
Queue to get into Ikea, near Belfast. pic.twitter.com/pg3MWPQWzJ — Mark Simpson (@BBCMarkSimpson) June 1, 2020
And here are our favourite 5 things people said about that.
1.
Däwn öf thė Dëåd (1978) https://t.co/Vh47eI5uMe — James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 1, 2020
2.
Proof that British people want more, not less, misery. https://t.co/Gv5RzMAOlS — Otto English (@Otto_English) June 1, 2020
3.
4.
Imagine thinking 'you know the first thing I want to do when I leave lockdown, is have an argument with my partner in public.' https://t.co/oqH4IoxrX6 — Tiernan Douieb (@TiernanDouieb) June 1, 2020
5.
Get ready for the second wave Thousands flock to Ikea stores across the UK#IKEA #SecondPeak pic.twitter.com/jX0lHY2pTW — Louis Henwood 🇬🇧 🇪🇺 〓〓 (@LouisHenwood) June 1, 2020
In short …
Tough choice.
A few more years of life for grandma?
OR Swedish meatballs?#SecondPeak pic.twitter.com/ZZplYHrP2K — Richard Littler (@richard_littler) June 1, 2020
READ MORE
This American accused IKEA of disrespecting the Stars and Stripes and was schooled into next week
Source @MirrorMoney @BBCMarkSimpson


thepoke--2020-06-01--‘Can I have the next slide please?’

‘Can I have the next slide please?’

Those daily pandemic briefings will never be quite the same after you ’ ve watched this from @ Darren_Dutton .
@ @ @ @ @ said about it .
Darren , just in case you haven ’ t already seen @ @ @ @ @

Videos
Those daily pandemic briefings will never be quite the same after you’ve watched this from @Darren_Dutton.
next slide please pic.twitter.com/yTDC7z3qye — Darren Dutton (@Darren_Dutton) May 31, 2020
And here are just a few of the things people were saying about it.
Wins Twitter today for me. https://t.co/VBHPelo8Nt — Meeeeee (@DonnaDlm71) May 31, 2020
That’s the thing with his press conferences, they’re all swings and roundabouts — Stephen Mullan (@SFilum) May 31, 2020
My level of humour right now😆 https://t.co/CzJazjHbpq — Lou (@Headfornothing1) May 31, 2020
I'm glad I've learned to swallow my mouthful of tea before clicking a @Darren_Dutton link 🤪 — Wing Commander Stee (@stevenvoiceover) May 31, 2020
To conclude …
I'm usually sparing of the "g" word, but this is Genius. https://t.co/4CEBFn8Niu — Adam Roberts (@arrroberts) June 1, 2020
Darren, just in case you haven’t already seen, also did this.
Apologies. I don't seem to be able to stop making end credits for the daily coronavirus briefings. pic.twitter.com/nu4tcCOcnM — Darren Dutton (@Darren_Dutton) May 20, 2020
And this.
Someone said do a Cagney & Lacey one so I did a Cagney & Lacey one pic.twitter.com/BIrNLldLeq — Darren Dutton (@Darren_Dutton) May 25, 2020
Follow @Darren_Dutton now!
Source @Darren_Dutton


thepoke--2020-06-01--The Daily Mail said men could suffer from their partner’s menopause – only 5 replies you need

To the Daily Mail now – no , stick with us – which reported findings that millions of men could @ @ @ @ @ ’ s menopause .
And if the Mail was hoping for a response – of @ @ @ @ @ a response – it certainly got one .
Here are the only 5 replies you @ @ @ @ @ you prefer … The Daily Mail front page about teachers must try harder – the @ @ @ @ @

Twitter
To the Daily Mail now – no, stick with us – which reported findings that millions of men could be suffering from their partner’s menopause.
Mood swings, apparently.
Millions of men could be suffering from their partner's menopause because of mood swings https://t.co/ZPNJkq94eh — Daily Mail Online (@MailOnline) June 1, 2020
And if the Mail was hoping for a response – of course it was hoping for a response – it certainly got one. Here are the only 5 replies you need.
Fixed that headline for you: While their partner suffers through an inescapable physically, mentally, and emotionally grueling time in their lives, men might have to do a little of the heavy lifting too. — Family Woman Cate Owen (@CateOwen) June 1, 2020
Happy to kick them in every major muscle to replicate the pain menopause can bring, wake them up every two hours and throw a bucket of warm water over them. Just so they know, y’know. Or…a kinder approach might be to JUST HELP HER! https://t.co/lnA7ZsU1P7 — Shelagh Fogarty (@ShelaghFogarty) June 1, 2020
https://twitter.com/lake_ml/status/1267383074356187136?s=20
Millions of men can fuck off. https://t.co/g4xVOyNpBZ — Deb (@yarnydeb) June 1, 2020
Fkin hell 😂 Did I just read this headline? There isnt enough research done on menopause and how absolutely hellish of an experience it can be for women, and men are 'suffering'? Ha dont make me laugh. The only suffering for men going on here is the lack of caring for others — Sabah Jalal (@SabahMariamJ) June 1, 2020
Or, if you prefer …
Not enough ‘go fuck yourself’ to go around this morning. — Lisa ‘Unladylike’ Holdsworth (@WorksWithWords) June 1, 2020
READ MORE
The Daily Mail front page about teachers must try harder – the only 7 responses you need
Source @MailOnline


thepoke--2020-06-01--Gary Lineker tweeted ‘black lives matter’ and these grimly predictable responses got exactly the tre

Gary Lineker tweeted ‘black lives matter’ and these grimly predictable responses got exactly the treatment they deserved

As protests continued in cities across the US following the death in police custody of African-American George Floyd , Gary @ @ @ @ @ say this .
And some of the responses were grimly predictable , only a few @ @ @ @ @ feature here ( you ’ ll soon get the idea ) .
And they got @ @ @ @ @ .
These men have been ‘ whitesplaining ’ Martin Luther King to his son and @ @ @ @

Twitter
As protests continued in cities across the US following the death in police custody of African-American George Floyd, Gary Lineker took to Twitter to say this.
And some of the responses were grimly predictable, only a few of which we’ll feature here (you’ll soon get the idea).
All lives matter gaz — Furqan (@FurqanMiah) June 1, 2020
ALL LIVES MATTER — Ignoramus (@CretinGenius) June 1, 2020
And they got exactly the treatment they deserved.
Yeah but that’s the point, currently black lives don’t appear to. If you genuinely think that all lives matter then you agree with #blacklivesmatter — Richard Coles (@RichardColes) June 1, 2020
If he said “save the rainforest” would you say “all forests need saving Gaz” ? Or would that just be semantic misdirection for the sole purpose of devaluing a clearly justifiable cause for ones own pettiness, spite and/or hidden agenda ? — Neil Rankin (@frontlinechef) June 1, 2020
To the people saying “all lives matter” wtf is wrong with you. Of course all lives matter but it’s NOT ABOUT ALL LIVES. ITS ABOUT THE COUNLESS BLACK LIVES THAT ARE LOST BECAUSE OF A SYSTEM THAT TARGETS THESE MEN AND WOMEN OF COLOUR. — Craig Wilson (@Craig21Wilson) June 1, 2020
Why do people insist on saying “All lives matter”?? Because if all lives mattered in the first place, why are black people having to STILL fight for their lives? — Ranya | #BlackLivesMatter (@_ranya_x) June 1, 2020
Last word to Lineker.
READ MORE
These men have been ‘whitesplaining’ Martin Luther King to his son and there are no words
Source @GaryLineker


thepoke--2020-06-01--This Ministry of Justice job advert went a little bit Pete Tong

There was a schoolboy error in this Ministry of Justice job advert which resulted in it getting a lot more @ @ @ @ @ … Easily done .
Or is it ?
Pete Tong played Massive Attack on his @ @ @ @ @ a bit , you know

Weird World
There was a schoolboy error in this Ministry of Justice job advert which resulted in it getting a lot more attention than it normally would …
The Ministry of Justice has accidentally posted a job advert as the Ministry of Sound. pic.twitter.com/HRxNINLcsO — Stephen Canning (@EssexCanning) May 31, 2020
Easily done. Or is it?
It’s all gone Pete Tong — Pete (@PeteUK7) May 31, 2020
It’s located in suite 408. Suite 409 is the Ministry of Silly Walks. — Parker (@incognitoparker) May 31, 2020
I don't care how this happened, or if it's real – it made me laugh, and I needed a laugh https://t.co/D51UHrSoEE — Soph (@SophieWarnes) June 1, 2020
READ MORE
Pete Tong played Massive Attack on his tour and it all went a bit, you know
Source @EssexCanning Image BBC


thepoke--2020-06-01--Simply 33 gloriously silly jokes to help take the edge off for a moment or two

It ’ s a tough time right now , with often not too much to laugh at , so we @ @ @ @ @ Twitter to share their favourite silly jokes .
And we ’ re glad to say @ @ @ @ @ .
Here are 33 of our favourites .

Twitter
It’s a tough time right now, with often not too much to laugh at, so we asked the good people of Twitter to share their favourite silly jokes.
We feel the need for some silly fun so we want you to tell us your favourite daft jokes. Ones that make you laugh and groan in equal measures, and we’ll share our favourites.#PokeChallenge We’ll kick it off… What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? A wonky. — The Poke (@ThePoke) May 26, 2020
And we’re glad to say they didn’t disappoint. Here are 33 of our favourites.
1.
I bought a muzzle for my pet duck, nothing expensive but it fits the bill. #PokeChallenge — 🤣 The Dad Joke Man 😉 (@DadJokeMan) May 26, 2020
2.
Who’s the coolest man in the hospital? The ultrasound man. And who fills in for him when he’s on holiday? The hip replacement guy.#PokeChallenge — Blue6oy (@blue6oy) May 26, 2020
3.
I told my friend she’d painted her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. — 🏳🌈🌱The Pevensie Dilemma (@PevensieDilemma) May 26, 2020
4.
What’s big white and can’t climb drainpipes? Incy-Wincy Fridge#PokeChallenge — WillieMillersMoustache (@williemillersm1) May 26, 2020
5.
Just put an electric fence round my garden. The neighbours are dead against it. — Jonathan Gregory (@Jonatha05418450) May 26, 2020
6.
What’s a pirates favourite letter? Rrrrr? No, ’tis the C! — Ewan Thomson (@Ewan314) May 26, 2020
7.
I said to the baker,
“How come all your cakes are 50p, but that one’s £1?” He said,
“That’s Madeira cake”.#PokeChallenge — 🤣 The Dad Joke Man 😉 (@DadJokeMan) May 26, 2020
8.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
Those were thew days… — Dean Morris Cards (@deanmorriscards) May 26, 2020
9.
What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
‘Aaa-shoe!’ — Pete Siddle (@PeteSidz80) May 26, 2020
10.
What do you call a Scotsman who’s halfway home? Hamish 😁 It’s the only joke I know — MacBee (@BlondeBee73) May 26, 2020
11.
Why do Norwegian Navy ships have a barcode on the side?
So that when they come into port, you can Scandinavian……… #pokechallenge — Laura H 🏴🇪🇺 (@kipacala) May 26, 2020
12.
– Doctor, I think I’m a moth.
– I think you need to see a psychiatrist.
– I was on my way there, but your light was on. — june lewins (@joonloons) May 26, 2020
13.
What do you call a Frenchman walking on the beach in sandals?
Phillippe Phlop.😊 — Sandra Ellis (@sandrad2966) May 26, 2020
14.
What’s pink and slippery?
My slippers — Laura Harris (@ChatteringLaura) May 26, 2020
15.
Patient: Doctor, I am having trouble pronouncing my T’s F’s and H’s…
Doctor: Well, You can’t say fairer than that. — Chris Kimberley (@ChrisJKimbers) May 26, 2020
16.


thepoke--2020-06-01--These men have been ‘whitesplaining’ Martin Luther King to his son and there are no words

Just when you think you ’ ve reached peak Twitter , something like this happens .
It ’ s Martin @ @ @ @ @ rights activist and son of Martin Luther King Jr , who shared a quote from @ @ @ @ @ the riots going on across the US right now .
And as @ harikondabolu pointed @ @ @ @ @ number of ( white ) men queuing up to explain his own father ’ s @ @ @ @ @ was something else .
‘ WHITE DUDES WHITESPLAINING MARTIN LUTHER KING TO HIS SON .
@ @ @ @ @ harikondabolu And just a few of the things people were saying in response .
Perhaps @ @ @ @

Twitter
Just when you think you’ve reached peak Twitter, something like this happens.
It’s Martin Luther King III, human rights activist and son of Martin Luther King Jr, who shared a quote from his father in response to the riots going on across the US right now.
As my father explained during his lifetime, a riot is the language of the unheard. — Martin Luther King III (@OfficialMLK3) May 28, 2020
And as @harikondabolu pointed out on Twitter, the number of (white) men queuing up to explain his own father’s quote back to him really was something else.
‘WHITE DUDES WHITESPLAINING MARTIN LUTHER KING TO HIS SON. ENJOY,’ said @harikondabolu
And just a few of the things people were saying in response.
Tough to know who would understand MLK and what he stood for better, his own son or twitter user GatorWill78? Hmmm? 🤔 — David #blacklivesmatter (@2Davez) May 30, 2020
Imagine telling a man what his father woulda thought…WHEN THEY NEVER MET HIM — Rinn47 (@Rinn_47) May 30, 2020
Because they all have a fifth grade, Disney understanding of him. To them, he's a caricature. — John Flores (@JohnMFlores) May 30, 2020
THE AUDACITY OF CAUCASITY — Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu) May 30, 2020
Perhaps this will help.
“In the final analysis, a riot is the language of the unheard. And what is it that America has failed to hear?” pic.twitter.com/Als3jhxaGH — The Martin Luther King, Jr. Center (@TheKingCenter) May 28, 2020
Source @harikondabolu


thepoke--2020-06-01--Comeback of the week (if only life was always as satisfying as this)

Early days we know but we don ’ t think we ’ ll see a more satisfying comeback than this @ @ @ @ @ in three parts ’ spotted by the great Joe Heenan on Twitter .
It all @ @ @ @ @ @ gordonguthrie said this on Twitter about the return of ( some ) children to @ @ @ @ @ it should be said it all ended amicably enough .
Takedown of the week ( @ @ @ @ @ different week )

Twitter
Early days we know but we don’t think we’ll see a more satisfying comeback than this one, a ‘story in three parts’ spotted by the great Joe Heenan on Twitter.
It all began when a chap called @gordonguthrie said this on Twitter about the return of (some) children to school on Monday.
Oof!
These are my favourite types of stories — Ice Cold in Alex (@manondessauce) May 31, 2020
Checkmate. — Maureen Johnson (@Maureen6Johnson) May 31, 2020
And it should be said it all ended amicably enough.
READ MORE
Takedown of the week (not this week, a different week)
Source @joeheenan Image Pixabay


thepoke--2020-06-01--Matt Lucas asked what to call the crisps we eat while waiting for dinner – 9 deliciously funny sugge

Matt Lucas asked what to call the crisps we eat while waiting for dinner – 9 deliciously funny suggestions

It ’ s a phenomenon with which we are all familiar – when dinner ’ s in the oven but @ @ @ @ @ to wait so you eat a packet of crisps .
And then – because you @ @ @ @ @ dinner still isn ’ t ready – you eat another .
We only mention this @ @ @ @ @ to Twitter to ask the good people of the Oxford English Dictionary if there was @ @ @ @ @ .
And these 9 responses were deliciously funny .
And there was also this handy @ @ @ @ @ this old TV news clip and it went viral because it ’ s so brutal @ @ @ @ @

Twitter
It’s a phenomenon with which we are all familiar – when dinner’s in the oven but you’re too hungry to wait so you eat a packet of crisps.
And then – because you’re still hungry and dinner still isn’t ready – you eat another.
We only mention this because Matt Lucas went on to Twitter to ask the good people of the Oxford English Dictionary if there was a word to describe them.
Sorry to bother you @OED but is there a word that describes the two bags of crisps you eat while dinner's in the oven? — realmattlucas (@RealMattLucas) May 30, 2020
And these 9 responses were deliciously funny.
1.
snaccident? — Susie Dent (@susie_dent) May 31, 2020
2.
A Basildon salad. — Mark ne-Francois-pas MP (@MarkFrancois12) May 31, 2020
3.
4.
Poppadoms anglaise — The Artful Todger (@EdRobson1970) May 30, 2020
5.
Waitee-taytees — Mike Yeaman (@mike_yeaman) May 30, 2020
6.
7.
prisps — John King (@SeanMacAnRi) May 30, 2020
8.
Procrasnackation — Brown Lighting. (@durrellb) May 30, 2020
9.
Pooh Bear used to call things like that, a ‘smackerel’. I’ve used it forever ☺ — Mrs C (@LittleMrsC) May 30, 2020
And there was also this handy tip.
As crisp packets are usually only half filled, pour the second bag into the first and voilà, you’ve only eaten one bag of crisps. — Victor (@memike72) May 31, 2020
i've been doing this for years but my tummy isn't fooled — realmattlucas (@RealMattLucas) May 31, 2020
READ MORE
Matt Lucas shared this old TV news clip and it went viral because it’s so brutal (and brutally funny)
Source @RealMattLucas Image Unsplash


thepoke--2020-06-01--Our 12 favourite new funny takes on this pandemic life

Big changes are afoot in the UK ’ s coronavirus response , with schools now open to more pupils , @ @ @ @ @ Matt Hancock temporarily controlling his fit of the giggles long enough to declare horse racing @ @ @ @ @ however , people are still finding a lot to mock about pandemic life , and @ @ @ @ @ posts .
Our 12 favourite funny posts about living in a pandemic

Twitter
Big changes are afoot in the UK’s coronavirus response, with schools now open to more pupils, shielding people allowed out and Matt Hancock temporarily controlling his fit of the giggles long enough to declare horse racing back.
On Twitter, however, people are still finding a lot to mock about pandemic life, and these are our favourite funny posts.
1.
A 'Dominic Cummings ' is now a golfing term. It means a really long drive that goes out of bounds but there's no penalty. — Norman Thompson (@Norman63red) May 29, 2020
2.
Remember when we laughed at Tom Hanks in Castaway for becoming best friends with a volleyball & now, ten weeks into lockdown, we’re all like ”Please don’t speak to my flip-flop Derek that way, he doesn’t enjoy shouting.” — Aisling Bea (@WeeMissBea) May 29, 2020
3.
I don't know who had 'symbolic Babybel' on their 2020 Corona Bingo Card, but it's time to get your marker. pic.twitter.com/6N89KKGmWg — Law Turley (TreacleA) (@LawTurley) May 31, 2020
4.
When you meet your friends for the first time in 10 weeks & have to tell them that their hair looks fine. pic.twitter.com/oNHC3zVZjs — Paul (@bingowings14) May 28, 2020
5.
Any news on when the hairdressers are opening? pic.twitter.com/eKvlnx5Oty — rab livingstone (@rablivingstone) May 31, 2020
6.
Grew a bristly mustache over my mouth as a final defense against the covids. Gained significant weight in quarantine. Went swimming yesterday and caught a bunch of krill in my mustache; I enjoyed them while floating around for hours. A whale. I’ve become a whale. — Holdin on a Hill aka Fingers (@HoldinCoffeeld) May 30, 2020
7.
8.
Government announces groups of six will be allowed to meet from Monday. Sugababes reunion tour cancelled. — Tom Peck (@tompeck) May 28, 2020
9.
jesus, and he has access to LOADS of castles https://t.co/SBdU1dMFeW — Toby Earle (@TobyonTV) May 30, 2020
10.
Me: "We are being led by the science"
Scientists: "We are at Covid Alert Level 4" (maintain lockdown)
Me: "We are being led by the need to distract attention from Dom"#marr — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) May 31, 2020
11.
Still finding it extremely odd to see people saying 'we're all tired of social distancing now' like it's 2015 and they're talking about The X Factor. — Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) May 31, 2020
12.
This sounds so sarcastic. pic.twitter.com/QaOt2jrz2g — Sam Whyte (@SamWhyte) May 31, 2020
READ MORE
Our 12 favourite funny posts about living in a pandemic
Image @courtneymcook on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-06-01--Rory Bremner absolutely nails the new slogan the PM would probably love to introduce

Rory Bremner ‘ s Boris Johnson is more Boris Johnson than Boris Johnson is – because Rory says the things @ @ @ @ @ to keep under his hat .
This short announcement of the new slogan Johnson would @ @ @ @ @ is tone perfect .
These are just a few of the many impressed reactions .
@ @ @ @ @ ’ s Rory as new dad Johnson .
Rory Bremner ’ s Boris Johnson speech @ @ @ @ @ the real thing

Videos
Rory Bremner‘s Boris Johnson is more Boris Johnson than Boris Johnson is – because Rory says the things that the PM somehow manages to keep under his hat.
This short announcement of the new slogan Johnson would probably love to go for is tone perfect.
Boris announces new slogan: Move on. Draw a line. Save breath. #borisjohnson pic.twitter.com/5aI5y2M4Lg — Rory Bremner (@rorybremner) May 31, 2020
These are just a few of the many impressed reactions.
If you thought Johnson was beyond satire, you reckoned without @rorybremner https://t.co/0RFQX9rBAD — Patrick Barclay (@paddybarclay) May 31, 2020
Rory…you are a GENIUS and a treasure!! thankyou so much, I really needed a laugh! — GuntherBett #FPPE 🐟🐟 (@BettGunther) May 31, 2020
Spot on – It’s totally plausible Boz would say every word of this, the parody that writes himself — Uncool Adam (@uncooladam) May 31, 2020
As a bonus, here’s Rory as new dad Johnson.
READ MORE
Rory Bremner’s Boris Johnson speech is so much better than the real thing
Source Rory Bremner Image Rory Bremner


thepoke--2020-06-03--Probably the most savage takedown of a spurious WW2 comparison you’ll see today

Although the US is now rightly focused on the Black Lives Matter movement and protests against police brutality , we @ @ @ @ @ recent mass gatherings were in response to the coronavirus lockdown .
Over on Reddit , @ @ @ @ @ r/MurderedByWords , someone shared a screenshot of a Facebook post on the topic , which @ @ @ @ @ or made private .
There was also this reply , which contained a third-degree burn @ @ @ @ @ we haven ’ t found out whether the meme poster had any kind of comeback @ @ @ @ @ or simply limped off to lick their considerable wounds .
This is what Redditors thought @ @ @ @ @ In light of the UK ’ s response to the coronavirus , there was a @ @ @ @ @ unavailable .
Five solid takedowns of Nigel Farage over what he said about D-Day

Popular
Although the US is now rightly focused on the Black Lives Matter movement and protests against police brutality, we should remember that the most recent mass gatherings were in response to the coronavirus lockdown.
Over on Reddit, in a forum aptly entitled r/MurderedByWords, someone shared a screenshot of a Facebook post on the topic, which has now either been deleted or made private.
There was also this reply, which contained a third-degree burn – metaphorically.
Sadly, we haven’t found out whether the meme poster had any kind of comeback – which we doubt – or simply limped off to lick their considerable wounds.
This is what Redditors thought of the sorry exchange.
In light of the UK’s response to the coronavirus, there was a particular type of international banter unavailable.
READ MORE
Five solid takedowns of Nigel Farage over what he said about D-Day
Source r/MurderedByWords Image r/MurderedByWords


thepoke--2020-06-03--Someone tweeted the exact same things as Donald Trump and was suspended after 2 days

A man with the Twitter name Bizarre Lazar has been conducting an interesting social experiment .
Since the end of May , on a second account he has called @ SuspendThePres , he has been tweeting what Donald Trump tweets to see how Twitter would react .
He began with one of Trump ’ s tweets Twitter had hidden from view for violating their rules about glorifying violence .
We won ’ t share all of them , but here are a couple more , just so you can see what ’ s peppered across the President ’ s account @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he tweeted this In two days , the exact same tweet that had merely been covered up when Trump posted it earned @ suspendthepres a 12-hour suspension .
The experiment was widely shared , picking up reactions like these .
Former Republican Tom Nichols , despite being far from a fan of Trump , thought Twitter had got it right by not suspending the President ’ s account .
It ’ s just as well , because Twitter ’ s policy regarding objectionable content from world leaders was clearly laid out in a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ If a Tweet from a world leader does violate the Twitter Rules but there is a clear public interest value to keeping the Tweet on the service , we may place it behind a notice that provides context about the violation and allows people to click through should they wish to see the content.
” They added a list of types of infringement which would result in action – unspecified – against the tweeter , regardless of their status .
Bizarre Lazar intends to continue the study to see what else will get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , there is an unexpected bonus to what he ’ s doing .
The only 5 reactions you need to Trump ’ s plans to muzzle Twitter

Twitter
A man with the Twitter name Bizarre Lazar has been conducting an interesting social experiment.
Since the end of May, on a second account he has called @SuspendThePres, he has been tweeting what Donald Trump tweets to see how Twitter would react.
He began with one of Trump’s tweets Twitter had hidden from view for violating their rules about glorifying violence.
We won’t share all of them, but here are a couple more, just so you can see what’s peppered across the President’s account.
On the 1st of June, he tweeted this
Experiment Update – Well it finally happened. Took longer than expected. 12 hour suspension and had to delete the offending tweet. Here’s the screenshots @suspendthepres. Will post to the account when suspension is lifted. pic.twitter.com/wvKV9HDKBn — Bizarre Lazar (@BizarreLazar) June 1, 2020
In two days, the exact same tweet that had merely been covered up when Trump posted it earned @suspendthepres a 12-hour suspension.
The experiment was widely shared, picking up reactions like these.
This is the guy who, as an experiment, tweets exactly what Trump tweets to see what @twitter do about it. He was suspended. https://t.co/LbybKbsbFJ — Emma Kennedy (@EmmaKennedy) June 2, 2020
One rule for them & another for the rest of us? I for one am shocked. Shocked I tell you! 😏 https://t.co/5vmmjvdmco — Charlotte Thomson (@Charlotte_T_T) June 2, 2020
Hope you've got a LOT of free time. This is gonna be a full time job. — Frank Fagan (@frankfagan) May 30, 2020
Well, it's one rule for us, another for them, even when you repost verbatim stuff that the orange danger posts. What say @jack @Twitter @TwitterSupport https://t.co/hEJ3NqhfHd — Bryoney (@ModernGirlBry) June 2, 2020
Former Republican Tom Nichols, despite being far from a fan of Trump, thought Twitter had got it right by not suspending the President’s account.
This is interesting, but I still argue that the President's account should stay on Twitter. https://t.co/WfWfluKuhw — Tom Nichols (@RadioFreeTom) May 30, 2020
It’s just as well, because Twitter’s policy regarding objectionable content from world leaders was clearly laid out in a blog post in October 2019.
“If a Tweet from a world leader does violate the Twitter Rules but there is a clear public interest value to keeping the Tweet on the service, we may place it behind a notice that provides context about the violation and allows people to click through should they wish to see the content.”
They added a list of types of infringement which would result in action – unspecified – against the tweeter, regardless of their status.
Promotion of terrorism; Clear and direct threats of violence against an individual; Posting private information, such as a home address or non-public personal phone number; Posting or sharing intimate photos or videos of someone that were produced or distributed without their consent; Engaging in behaviors relating to child sexual exploitation; Encouraging or promoting self-harm.
Bizarre Lazar intends to continue the study to see what else will get him suspended, but in the meantime, there is an unexpected bonus to what he’s doing.
Thanks for giving me a way to "monitor" his tweets without having to "follow" him. Can't stomach that. — Susan Zyrkowski (@Su_Zy925) May 30, 2020
READ MORE
The only 5 reactions you need to Trump’s plans to muzzle Twitter
Source @SuspendThePres Image @SuspendThePres, YouTube


thepoke--2020-06-03--Donald Trump ordering Melania to smile speaks volumes – creepy volumes

In spite of being an avid supporter of Donald Trump ’ s birther conspiracy theory – the idea that Barack @ @ @ @ @ Africa – there are certain times when we can ’ t help but feel sorry @ @ @ @ @ bit , at least .
This is one of them .
The creepy moment reminded @ @ @ @ @ inauguration .
Twitter had a few things to say about it .

Videos
In spite of being an avid supporter of Donald Trump’s birther conspiracy theory – the idea that Barack Obama had been born in Africa – there are certain times when we can’t help but feel sorry for Melania. A tiny bit, at least.
This is one of them.
Trump asks Melania to smile during today's photo op. pic.twitter.com/B59YeDHKRM — The Recount (@therecount) June 2, 2020
The creepy moment reminded us of Trump’s inauguration.
Twitter had a few things to say about it.
1.
I wish I could properly enjoy this Patsy moment, but all I think when I look at her is ‘I think you hate this shit. Say something’ https://t.co/iYH8x9ucT2 — Shappi Khorsandi (@ShappiKhorsandi) June 2, 2020
2.
3.
She looks as comfortable smiling next to her husband as her husband looks holding a Bible. https://t.co/DmaJIFMqHe — Luke Barnett (@LukeBarnett) June 2, 2020
4.
5.
She said “I don’t get paid enough”. https://t.co/OmMsHwkDMQ — Oscar Nunez (@OscarNunezLA) June 2, 2020
6.
She always looks like she’s not entirely sure where she is. https://t.co/bkOEVzZamQ — Molly Jong-Fast🏡 (@MollyJongFast) June 2, 2020
7.


thepoke--2020-06-03--Parliament’s socially distanced voting system is a shambles – 18 scathing reactions

Jacob Rees-Mogg ended weeks of his own complaining about MPs working from home by insisting parliament vote on whether to @ @ @ @ @ With most MPs communicating via video link and voting remotely , the House of Commons @ @ @ @ @ As the virtual voting system had been allowed to end , the vote had to @ @ @ @ @ because it ’ s obviously far easier to get MPs from all over the country @ @ @ @ @ pandemic than it is to reinstate the virtual voting system .
Current government guidelines mean @ @ @ @ @ to MPs who were shielding for their own or a family member ’ s health @ @ @ @ @ them to break the rules .
Rees-Mogg ’ s arrangements involved socially distanced queuing – @ @ @ @ @ It was a tedious and chaotic process .

Pics
Jacob Rees-Mogg ended weeks of his own complaining about MPs working from home by insisting parliament vote on whether to return to working onsite.
If Parliament is to deliver on the people’s priorities it must sit physically.
https://t.co/nAWSyB8XSo — Jacob Rees-Mogg (@Jacob_Rees_Mogg) June 1, 2020
With most MPs communicating via video link and voting remotely, the House of Commons had been refreshingly peaceful.
NOPE. It's been so much better since it went virtual. No braying schoolboys. No finger-wagging. No drowning each other out, no bullying. Just something grown-up and modern and far more mature where you're actually held to account. I say keep it! — Danny Wallace 🇪🇺 (@dannywallace) June 1, 2020
As the virtual voting system had been allowed to end, the vote had to take place in person – because it’s obviously far easier to get MPs from all over the country into one building during a pandemic than it is to reinstate the virtual voting system.
via Gfycat
Current government guidelines mean the vote would be unavailable to MPs who were shielding for their own or a family member’s health.
I’m a carer for my wife. You’re asking me to choose between the health of my family and abiding by your poxy stubbornness. I choose to fulfill my duties as a husband and family man. https://t.co/oU5nPCJdzh — Jamie Stone MP (@Jamie4North) June 1, 2020
Or it could force them to break the rules.
Conservative MP Robert Halfon, who is shielding, is planning to drive to Parliament tomorrow to vote for a virtual Parliament before jumping in the car and going straight back home again — reports @andrewpolitics — Chris Mason (@ChrisMasonBBC) June 1, 2020
People weren’t impressed.
1.
Cosplaying Edwardian Jacob Rees-Mogg determined to make MPs physically vote in the House of Commons, even if they have to queue one km like patient daytrippers at a shit Alton Towers ride.https://t.co/bn1hoJAp3M — Otto English (@Otto_English) June 1, 2020
2.
you can't trust computers so it's vital that MPs vote in the traditional way to enact projects like track and trace and universal credit — joe (@mutablejoe) June 2, 2020
3.
Rees-Mogg is behaving like the sort of odious prep school creep whose dearest wish is to be Head Boy, and to stand beside the Master looking sanctimonious when other boys are being punished. This is what our system has produced. — Philip Pullman (@PhilipPullman) June 2, 2020
Rees-Mogg’s arrangements involved socially distanced queuing – for about a kilometre. It was a tedious and chaotic process.
4.
This is the stupidest thing I have ever read pic.twitter.com/CsvC4UdTFb — Patrick Maguire (@patrickkmaguire) June 1, 2020
5.
We’re starting to run out of space on the grassy knoll whilst queueing for 2nd vote. Exasperated security man just asked if we ‘could bunch up’
“Errr, No not really.” pic.twitter.com/RyqgUMvTjn — Toby Perkins (@tobyperkinsmp) June 2, 2020
6.
In 2020 the whips should be able to take your name down, you can go and do some shopping and then they text you when a table is free — Esther Webber (@estwebber) June 2, 2020
7.


thepoke--2020-06-02--‘Whoever captured this moment deserves an award’

‘ Whoever captured this moment deserves an award , ’ says ChrisAllmeid over on Reddit .
The photo , from @ @ @ @ @ of when similar things had happened before .
‘ A police officer in my area @ @ @ @ @ her dummy spray and her pepper spray mixed up during a school visit and ended @ @ @ @ @ of 4 year olds !
’ Cwlcymro They did , they really did .
And @ @ @

Pics
‘Whoever captured this moment deserves an award,’ says ChrisAllmeid over on Reddit.
Crash, bang, psssssst! What a picture!
The photo, which was taken in the Ukraine (and not the riots going on in the US, as some people assumed) reminded people of when similar things had happened before.
Like this.
‘A police officer in my area (Wales) once got her dummy spray and her pepper spray mixed up during a school visit and ended up pepper spraying a class of 4 year olds!’ Cwlcymro
They did, they really did.
And this.
‘Almost as bad as the guy that shot himself in the foot while teaching firearm safety.’ Jak_n_Dax
Ouch.
Source Reddit u/ChrisAllmeid


thepoke--2020-06-02--These cops laying down their riot gear to join a protest march is an amazing watch

Police have been clashing with protestors all over the US after the death in police custody of African-American George Floyd @ @ @ @ @ clashes have gone viral but this one was shared for rather different reasons .
It @ @ @ @ @ sheriff put down his riot gear to join the protestors on their march and it @ @ @ @ @ .
And here are just a few of the things people were saying about it @

Videos
Police have been clashing with protestors all over the US after the death in police custody of African-American George Floyd.
Countless videos of violent clashes have gone viral but this one was shared for rather different reasons.
It’s the moment this sheriff put down his riot gear to join the protestors on their march and it’s quite the watch.
Across parts of America, police and protesters have been clashing. In Flint, Michigan, something else happened. This is the exact moment when Sheriff Chris Swanson put down his helmet and baton — and joined protesters on their march.pic.twitter.com/VHnwnpUy8r — Goodable (@Goodable) May 31, 2020
And here are just a few of the things people were saying about it.
Something my heart and soul needed to see…. https://t.co/e6PMLWXRnB — Jonathan Capehart (@CapehartJ) May 31, 2020
Well that brought a tear to my eye. Proper community engagement and leadership. Others really need to take note. — Jo P (@jo_regular) May 31, 2020
More of this, please. Proud it's in Michigan. https://t.co/s5jPk52c81 — James A. Janisse (@JamesAJanisse) May 31, 2020
Today I asked my parents if the police can protest as civilians, and they told me that they would most likely loose there job if they did. To know that he did this, it really helps me believe that there are good, amazing people in the world. — ✊🏾🏳🌈…G Å B B Î Ê…🏳🌈✊🏾 (@GBB_IE) May 31, 2020
In Flint, the Sheriff joins the protestors. "Where do you want to walk? We'll walk all night." https://t.co/fVB2WmUiqW — Victoria Brownworth #NoJusticeNoPeace (@VABVOX) May 31, 2020
shit just made me cry — erk (@peepopog7) May 31, 2020
READ MORE
Donald Trump posed outside a church holding a Bible – 13 devilishly funny takedowns
Source @Goodable


thepoke--2020-06-02--Simply 17 funny photoshops of Donald Trump holding a Bible outside church

You ’ ll have seen by now Donald Trump ’ s carefully orchestrated photo opportunity of him holding a Bible @ @ @ @ @ if ever there was a time when the so-called president was crying out to be @ @ @ @ @ have been lots of times – then this was it .
And you didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ didn ’ t .
Here ’ s our pick of what you did , along @ @ @ @ @ rest we spotted today .

Pics
You’ll have seen by now Donald Trump’s carefully orchestrated photo opportunity of him holding a Bible outside a church.
And if ever there was a time when the so-called president was crying out to be photoshopped – actually, there have been lots of times – then this was it.
Donald Trump is basically begging to be photoshopped after he stood outside this church with a bible. Send us yours and we’ll round up the funniest! #pokechallenge pic.twitter.com/NRuHLBcKj6 — The Poke (@ThePoke) June 2, 2020
And you didn’t disappoint, you really didn’t. Here’s our pick of what you did, along with the best of the rest we spotted today.
1.
2.
3.
4.
Breaking: Donald Trump accidentally proves the existence of God. pic.twitter.com/g4dOopfWEu — Oonagh (@Okeating) June 2, 2020
5.
God works in mysterious ways. pic.twitter.com/vVzd2mUZvc — Tokyo Sexwhale (@tokyo_sexwhale) June 2, 2020
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
his true Bible pic.twitter.com/LJdnZpREO4 — David Crunelle (@davidcrunelle) June 2, 2020
15.
16.
17.
READ MORE
Donald Trump posed outside a church holding a Bible – 13 devilishly funny takedowns
Source @ThePoke


thepoke--2020-06-02--There’s a sort of sex ban in the UK and people have come up with these 11 very funny reactions

Under the relaxed rules governing the coronavirus in the UK , people are allowed to meet up with those from @ @ @ @ @ as social distancing is maintained , leading to a £50 fine for anyone caught doing @ @ @ @ @ t take much imagination to realise that this means that sex is illegal between people @ @ @ @ @ ’ s right , folks – the Tories have banned sex .
Kind of .
@ @ @ @ @ to let that lie .
Author James Felton considered the potential for a new kind @ @ @ @ @ ’ s probably best not to imagine that being said by any of the cabinet @ @ @ @ @ the government ’ s coronavirus letter with Cards Against Humanity

News
Under the relaxed rules governing the coronavirus in the UK, people are allowed to meet up with those from another household, as long as social distancing is maintained, leading to a £50 fine for anyone caught doing otherwise.
It doesn’t take much imagination to realise that this means that sex is illegal between people from different households.
That’s right, folks – the Tories have banned sex. Kind of.
Barrister Adam Wagner confirmed people’s suspicions.
Afraid to say this is correct. I can't believe I'm about to tweet this. From tomorrow sex between two (or more) people in a private place who do not live in the same household is a "gathering" between 2 or more people and is therefore illegal. https://t.co/aEiGIoweee pic.twitter.com/b0KZBACSQ4 — Adam Wagner (@AdamWagner1) May 31, 2020
Twitter wasn’t going to let that lie.
1.
I’ll confess, I did not have Boris Johnson down as the Prime Minister most likely to explicitly criminalise sex between consenting adults. https://t.co/cHCncvnfFU — The Secret Barrister (@BarristerSecret) May 31, 2020
2.
Who would have thought the Tories would manage to make sex more exciting? https://t.co/BNw9fyjDZi — 🏳🌈 Max 🏳🌈 (@SpillerOfTea) May 31, 2020
3.
But you can have sex in the park with your auntie as long as she does not bring your uncle. https://t.co/0U2W923ORG — Sam Whyte (@SamWhyte) May 31, 2020
4.
What if you think it’s not working? Can you go for a 39-minute test-drive? #SexBan — India Willoughby (@IndiaWilloughby) June 2, 2020
5.
The government deciding to NOW issue a sex ban 10 weeks into lockdown is the equivalent of handing out condoms at a baby shower #sexban — Lucy Claire (@LucyEllam85) June 2, 2020
6.
The UK now has a #sexban but that's fine, call the police and let's see who comes first! — ℕ ❁ (@TheNeoism) June 2, 2020
7.
The #SexBan from the Tory government is a wee tad hypocritical since that lot have been fucking everyone all this time pic.twitter.com/JheMn8drgE — Witchy (@weegiewitch13) June 2, 2020
8.
When we said no more cummings this isn’t what we meant #sexban — carl smith (@onewordlic) June 2, 2020
9.
So there is a £50 fine for having sex during lock-down if its a sexual partner who doesn't live in your house. #sexban
This is bullshit. I've already paid for the sex. It's going to be expensive if i get charged double! — Craggles (@NUFCJunkie) June 2, 2020
10.
But I thought the politicians wanted us to come together in a crisis? https://t.co/Nvpn6KFk3h — Madeline Grant 🇭🇰 (@Madz_Grant) June 1, 2020
11.
How about my garden? — Rachel Hawkins (@ourrachblogs) June 1, 2020
Author James Felton considered the potential for a new kind of chat-up line.
Hey baby, want to come back to my place and violate section 3(b) paragraph 4 bullet point 2 of the lockdown regulations act? — James Felton (@JimMFelton) May 31, 2020
It’s probably best not to imagine that being said by any of the cabinet.
READ MORE
18 hilarious mashups of the government’s coronavirus letter with Cards Against Humanity
Image @tinaflour and @john_cameron on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-06-02--‘You absolutely need to watch this with sound. It doesn’t seem possible, but you absolutely do’

You might already have seen some of the things people have been saying about Donald Trump today after he posed @ @ @ @ @ church holding a bible .
But the key thing here is to watch all 13 @ @ @ @ @ photo opportunity .
And definitely – definitely – to turn your sound all the way @ @ @ @ @ that was tricky to hear .
And here are just a few of the things @ @ @ @ @ 13 seconds of TV gold .

Videos
You might already have seen some of the things people have been saying about Donald Trump today after he posed for photographers standing outside a church holding a bible.
But the key thing here is to watch all 13 seconds of this outstanding presidential photo opportunity. And definitely – definitely – to turn your sound all the way up.
you absolutely need to watch this with sound. it doesn't seem possible that you do, but you absolutely do. https://t.co/6b5tNedjsv — Sigh Hersh, Hostile Witness (@Ugarles) June 1, 2020
Just in case that was tricky to hear.
"is that your bible?" "It's *a* bible." — John Saveland (@johnsaveland) June 1, 2020
And here are just a few of the things people were saying about this 13 seconds of TV gold.
i yelped. i didn't see it coming. — Sigh Hersh, Hostile Witness (@Ugarles) June 1, 2020
a million monkeys with a million typewriters in a million years could never https://t.co/CZ7fc0plxN — Sigh Hersh, Hostile Witness (@Ugarles) June 1, 2020
Pound for pound the strangest 13 seconds in history https://t.co/voVsKdT3Tt — Trent (@BarstoolTrent) June 1, 2020
Bless the reporter who asked that question — Dani Stern (@TheRealAnsky) June 1, 2020
Seriously, they're going to be laughing about this for centuries, if not thousands of years. Just hope we in the present don't go through too much pain for the sake of this joker. — James Smithson (@yossie1969) June 2, 2020
What's striking about that footage of Donald Trump is that he doesn't say anything apart from "It's a Bible." He offers no words, he quotes no passages. He's an entirely empty individual. The very essence of stupid. — Otto English (@Otto_English) June 2, 2020
READ MORE
Donald Trump posed outside a church holding a Bible – 13 devilishly funny takedowns
Source @Ugarles


thepoke--2020-06-02--Andrew Cotter’s done another one of his dog commentaries and it’s just what we needed today

The great Andrew Cotter ’ s done another one of his dog commentaries and thank goodness for that .
Andrew @ @ @ @ @ reminding , is the sports commentator who ’ s rather come into his own during @ @ @ @ @ takes on the lives of his lovely dogs .
And this latest one – a @ @ @ @ @ is a slow-burning delight .
Here ’ s the full-length version of this charity one-off @ @ @ @ @ Good .
And in the unlikely event you missed some of the great man ’ @ @ @ @ @ was also this … And all these !
You can follow Andrew on Twitter here @

Videos
The great Andrew Cotter’s done another one of his dog commentaries and thank goodness for that.
Andrew, as if you need reminding, is the sports commentator who’s rather come into his own during lockdown by offering up little takes on the lives of his lovely dogs.
And this latest one – a special one-off for charity – is a slow-burning delight.
Wonderful stuff!
"The stealth of a sofa moving across the lawn!" Fantastic on all fronts!😆 — Kim Epstein (@kzepstein) May 28, 2020
I can’t be the only one preferring this to sport anyway? 😂🐶👍 — emmaflower (@emmaflower) May 28, 2020
This is currentky the best thing on the internet https://t.co/hiRRbmtEro — Dom Joly (@domjoly) June 1, 2020
In the unlikely event you missed some of Andrew Cotter’s other work, there was also this …
Still having the company meetings online. pic.twitter.com/aR3LfuSdKl — Andrew Cotter (@MrAndrewCotter) May 11, 2020
And all these!
Just while I wait for them to have an actual rematch. pic.twitter.com/yVsaXD9bNS — Andrew Cotter (@MrAndrewCotter) April 29, 2020
Some sports are slower. More about the strategy. pic.twitter.com/JMBaGJ1tSd — Andrew Cotter (@MrAndrewCotter) April 9, 2020
You can follow Andrew on Twitter here. And @DogsForGoodUK here.
Source @DogsForGoodUK @MrAndrewCotter


thepoke--2020-06-02--Our favourite 11 funny comments about the lockdown – or lack of it

You ’ d almost think the UK lockdown had ended if you were to take a glance at the beauty @ @ @ @ @ less so in Wales , Scotland and Northern Island .
It hasn ’ t , @ @ @ @ @ s still plenty for Twitter to joke about .
Our 12 favourite new funny takes @ @ @ @

Twitter
You’d almost think the UK lockdown had ended if you were to take a glance at the beauty spots of England – far less so in Wales, Scotland and Northern Island.
It hasn’t, however, and there’s still plenty for Twitter to joke about.
1.
Lads you might want to take a look at that desk design pic.twitter.com/bqvk5kv5uz — . (@twlldun) June 1, 2020
2.
Getting to know our delivery guys pic.twitter.com/ZYLfD5zb92 — Sam Brooks (@SamBrooks_1) June 1, 2020
3.
I like that I have reverted back to primary school years of being excited for work to be over so I can go outside and ride my bike — Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) June 1, 2020
4.
They said horses were allowed out today to race. I’ve just passed a field where at least 6 of them were just standing about chatting. Didn’t even have racing gear on (you know, saddles and stuff). So don’t even try to suggest they were probably getting ready to race. — rab livingstone (@rablivingstone) June 1, 2020
5.
My social distancing suit finally came today. pic.twitter.com/zEcAAlLOy8 — Father Drinks McGee (@drinksmcgee) May 31, 2020
6.
Just walked through the park and trying to maintain social distancing is like being the only person on the dodgems who understands the actual point of the ride. — Gary Bainbridge (@Gary_Bainbridge) June 1, 2020
7.
So what I've gathered from the Tories is that from today in England you can meet 17 people at an ice rink but not if one of them is a warlock, you can shag your 2nd cousin but only if she's called Kimberly, dentists are now war criminals & you can go to the pub if you're a panda. — joe heenan (@joeheenan) June 1, 2020
8.
Sunday Newspaper of the Year asks the question on everyone's lips during a pandemic… what does Bez make of it all? https://t.co/eACKZsGhRm — Danny Wallace (@dannywallace) May 30, 2020
9.
But for So Solid Crew, the nightmare continues. pic.twitter.com/BoY9TYAmRI — Mark Sweep (@riffraffhands) May 28, 2020
10.
I'm totally down with this way of looking at the world. I, too, have way, way, way more capacity to do stuff than I actually do. https://t.co/n0qbsPMW7v — Chris Addison (@mrchrisaddison) May 31, 2020
11.
Britain from above today. pic.twitter.com/pEmYf8wVKV — Richard Littler (@richard_littler) June 1, 2020
Finally …
I see Matt Hancock is doing the briefing again todaypic.twitter.com/X3hnqHyzyC — Darren Dutton (@Darren_Dutton) June 1, 2020
READ MORE
Our 12 favourite new funny takes on this pandemic life
Image @jontyson on Unsplash, @drinksmcgee


thepoke--2020-06-02--Donald Trump posed outside a church holding a Bible – 13 devilishly funny takedowns

Donald Trump has posed outside a church holding a Bible , but only after law enforcement officials used tear gas @ @ @ @ @ a peaceful protest close to the White House to enable him to do it .
@ @ @ @ @ like ( Trump outside the church , not the outrageous break-up of a peaceful protest @ @ @ @ @ ’ s not the oddest 13 seconds of Trump ’ s presidency , it ’ @ @ @ @ @ Here are our 13 favourite things people said about that .
Oh , and this @ @ @ @ @ the White House bunker – 13 of the funniest things people said about it

Twitter
Donald Trump has posed outside a church holding a Bible, but only after law enforcement officials used tear gas and rubber bullets to disperse a peaceful protest close to the White House to enable him to do it.
This is what it looked like (Trump outside the church, not the outrageous break-up of a peaceful protest).
https://twitter.com/bad_takes/status/1267594813710446593?s=20
And if it’s not the oddest 13 seconds of Trump’s presidency, it’s definitely up there.
Here are our 13 favourite things people said about that.
1.
He holds that Bible like it’s burning him. — Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@AOC) June 2, 2020
2.
Gassing people with their hands up so that you can be photographed holding a bible near a church is what Jesus would have wanted — James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 2, 2020
3.
This how you hold a Bible if you've never held a Bible or a book before. https://t.co/6xzkIe8iWV — Lawrence O'Donnell (@Lawrence) June 1, 2020
4.
When grandma gets you a Christmas present you hate but you don’t want to hurt her feelings https://t.co/fwc7wTB3q7 — The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) June 2, 2020
5.
I wonder if he’s holding that Bible in his ‘pussy-grabbing’ hand? pic.twitter.com/MdLQ5hv5al — chris o'dowd (@BigBoyler) June 2, 2020
6.
Have you ever seen anyone less comfortable with a Bible? I’m not religious, but he may be an actual demon. — David Bunkley (@dwbunkley) June 1, 2020
7.
8.
God works in mysterious ways. pic.twitter.com/vVzd2mUZvc — Tokyo Sexwhale (@tokyo_sexwhale) June 2, 2020
9.
"I love the Bible, it's a great book. Read it so many times, there's Dave the cool guy, driving around being cool with his best friend Steve. Steve's a great guy. The hot mermaid who wants to become human, so hot, so great. So many great words in it. Book is a great word" pic.twitter.com/blcZVFWpBQ — joe heenan (@joeheenan) June 2, 2020
10.
Hey Donny, why not flip through a few pages. I'm pretty fucking certain there's something about Thou shalt not kill. #DictatorTrump pic.twitter.com/NNPQ6CM3Sc — HappyToast ★ (@IamHappyToast) June 2, 2020
11.
12.
13.
Revelation 13:5 And the beast was given a mouth uttering haughty and blasphemous words, and it was allowed to exercise authority for forty-two months. pic.twitter.com/oc6tOOEoKD — Mr Roger Quimbly (@RogerQuimbly) June 2, 2020
To conclude …
This is what he tear gassed peaceful protestors out before curfew for. So he could hold a Bible like an alien who just landed on earth while people take pictures. https://t.co/2hmmDlDbwu — Ezra Klein (@ezraklein) June 1, 2020
Oh, and this.
I cannot stop laughing but we’re all gonna die — Mankrik’s Wife (@Marty_Shannon) June 1, 2020
READ MORE
Donald Trump hid in the White House bunker – 13 of the funniest things people said about it
Source @bad_takes


thepoke--2020-06-02--“You were all TELT” Janey Godley rewords Nicola Sturgeon’s coronavirus briefing

Scottish lockdown rules have changed recently , to allow two households to meet up in groups of no more than @ @ @ @ @ of sports became available .
Not everybody has been as careful as they could be @ @ @ @ @ , Nicola Sturgeon , addressed the issue during her daily coronavirus briefing .
There were @ @ @ @ @ off from the teacher .
Comedian Janey Godley gave the speech a bit of a @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t help feeling she captured the spirit of it , including a hilarious @ @ @ @ @ effect ” – i.e .
“ If Dominic Cummings can do what he likes , @ @ @ @ @ rest of us ?
” Once again , she hit the sweet spot with Twitter @ @ @ @ @ Nicola Sturgeon ’ s comments to the MSP who asked about croquet

Videos
Scottish lockdown rules have changed recently, to allow two households to meet up in groups of no more than eight, and a number of sports became available.
Not everybody has been as careful as they could be, so Scottish First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon, addressed the issue during her daily coronavirus briefing.
“I have a duty to be clear with you.” First Minister of Scotland, @NicolaSturgeon explains that if people are “not abiding” the #COVID19 guidelines on travel and group sizes, those restrictions will become “law” Get the latest on #Coronavirus here: https://t.co/yJ2v2kxtuA pic.twitter.com/Pf7WWDxhiW — SkyNews (@SkyNews) June 1, 2020
There were definite shades of a telling off from the teacher.
The theme of today's Nicola Sturgeon briefing is "ffs lads" — Philip Sim (@BBCPhilipSim) June 1, 2020
Comedian Janey Godley gave the speech a bit of a NSFW rewrite, and we can’t help feeling she captured the spirit of it, including a hilarious nod to the “Cummings effect” – i.e. “If Dominic Cummings can do what he likes, why can’t the rest of us?”
“You were all TELT, don’t use Cummings as an example, would you put your hand in a fire if you saw someone else doing it?” #janeygodleyvoiceover catch me on tour https://t.co/eT2ppleupZ pic.twitter.com/1nNRZTvUoC — Janey Godley (@JaneyGodley) June 1, 2020
Once again, she hit the sweet spot with Twitter.
I really hope when FM does her last update she leaves the stage by saying Frank gat the door — Iain (ganzo) (@1ganzo) June 1, 2020
Robust language from Janey, but this message from "Nicola" is bang on the money! Laugh – but please listen as well — Ian Dickson (@IDickson258) June 1, 2020
Brilliant! My mum was the same! If they jump off a bridge would you do it? 😳 — Yvonne MacGregor (@YvonneMacGrego3) June 1, 2020
READ MORE
Janey Godley hilariously reimagined Nicola Sturgeon’s comments to the MSP who asked about croquet
Source Janey Godley Image Guardian News


thepoke--2020-06-04--Fox News picked the wrong – or right – rich white guy to ask about the protests

Fox News has been wavering slightly in its support for Donald Trump recently , but it ’ s still very @ @ @ @ @ US TV news .
On Thursday , the broadcaster was covering Black Lives Matter protests @ @ @ @ @ Angeles Mayor , Eric Garcetti , when they opted to interview one of his neighbours @ @ @ @ @ ’ s how that panned out .
Probably not what the reporter expected , to @ @ @ @ @ went viral and has been watched almost eight million times in less than 24 hours @ @ @ @ @ this .
One viewer had a particular interest in the clip .
Finally , a @ @ @ @ @ .
Fox News accidentally had a doctor telling the truth about Trump and it ’ @ @

Videos
Fox News has been wavering slightly in its support for Donald Trump recently, but it’s still very much the Daily Mail of US TV news.
On Thursday, the broadcaster was covering Black Lives Matter protests around the home of Los Angeles Mayor, Eric Garcetti, when they opted to interview one of his neighbours, Andy Goodman.
Here’s how that panned out.
Even Garcetti’s rich white neighbors get it more than he does. pic.twitter.com/jjZp9CEjLb — Unrig LA (@UnrigLA) June 3, 2020
Probably not what the reporter expected, to be fair. The clip went viral and has been watched almost eight million times in less than 24 hours, picking up reactions like this.
Fox News picked the wrong rich old guy. I’m sure their audience was pissing blood. https://t.co/Qmnby7c8rm — Dave "Alive" Anthony (@daveanthony) June 3, 2020
fuck it he’s the new mayor https://t.co/nbW5mmsRkT — shawn wasabi (@shawnwasabi) June 3, 2020
She ain’t get the answer she was looking for lmao https://t.co/TII4FugExF — Edgar Momplaisir (@edgarmomplaisir) June 3, 2020
THIS IS WHITE PRIVILEGE USED RIGHT! https://t.co/UK5WPzVp36 — UwU Train#OUSTDUTERTENOW (@Skelehe4d) June 4, 2020
One viewer had a particular interest in the clip.
That’s my fucking Dad. While I wish this reporter was interviewing POC and not looking for soundbites from Boomers… That’s my fucking Dad. https://t.co/ovk10AThyP — Danl (@dj_danl) June 3, 2020
Finally, a message from the man himself.
I am overwhelmed by all the affirmations for my comments to Fox News during the protest yesterday at the LA Mayor's residence. https://t.co/kj8AVdSMWh Please accept this as thanks for your kind, warm words, and please know I'm reading every one. Keep fighting the good fight. — Andy Goodman (@GoodmanCenter) June 3, 2020
READ MORE
Fox News accidentally had a doctor telling the truth about Trump and it’s glorious
Source Fox News via @UnrigLA Image Fox News via @UnrigLA


thepoke--2020-06-04--This gran’s post-lockdown trip to a skate park is a thing of great joy

What would you do if you ’ d been stuck in the house for months and finally got to go @ @ @ @ @ , we hope you enjoy it as much as Amy McCafferty ‘ s amazing gran @ @ @ @ @ .
See !
You can have fun and maintain social distancing .
Amy ’ s @ @ @ @ @ than 730,000 times in about a day and a half – at the time of @ @ @ @ @ ’ s day out is really lifting spirits .
There ’ s an important message @ @ @ @ @ endorse .
People love this granddad ’ s takedown of his daughter after she kicked @ @ @ @

Videos
What would you do if you’d been stuck in the house for months and finally got to go out?
Whatever it is, we hope you enjoy it as much as Amy McCafferty‘s amazing gran, Barbara. Sound on.
Ma gran hasn’t been out the house in 3/4 months n today she finally went out n she went to the fucking skate park, she has lost the plot 🤣 pic.twitter.com/NtJ3ClYRwx — Amy Mccafferty🧞♀ ღ (@amymccafferty_) June 2, 2020
See! You can have fun and maintain social distancing. Amy’s video has been viewed more than 730,000 times in about a day and a half – at the time of writing – and her gran’s day out is really lifting spirits.
The way she took that ramp us sending me https://t.co/PBNNnHfg3X — ❄Mikki Kendall❄ (@Karnythia) June 3, 2020
Your Gran is cool AF! — Hilliat Fields (@hilliatfields) June 3, 2020
why did i think she was gonna 50/50 that rail — James Green (@jimbogrn) June 3, 2020
There’s an important message here, which we heartily endorse.
I worked for a senior women's org, and the biggest lesson I learned was to never, ever, EVER underestimate grannies. https://t.co/pV1iZTy2PS — Joi is so tired (@Joi_the_Artist) June 4, 2020
Kickass grans rule!
READ MORE
People love this granddad’s takedown of his daughter after she kicked out her gay son
Source Amy McCafferty Image Amy McCafferty


thepoke--2020-06-04--The only 5 responses you need to the government’s plan to cut homelessness

The UK ’ s Homelessness Minister , Luke Hall , has asked councils to encourage rough sleepers to move in @ @ @ @ @ and the spirit of that fake Marie Antoinette quote is alive and well in the @ @ @ @ @ lot of people had the same highly sarcastic response , we felt these five covered @ @ @ @ @ up , Karl Tomlinson took the policy to its illogical conclusion .
Someone tried to @ @ @ @ @ homelessness policy and got murdered with words

News
The UK’s Homelessness Minister, Luke Hall, has asked councils to encourage rough sleepers to move in with friends or family, and the spirit of that fake Marie Antoinette quote is alive and well in the 21st century.
While a lot of people had the same highly sarcastic response, we felt these five covered it perfectly.
1.
God, they'll be kicking themselves for not thinking of that sooner https://t.co/evNckxG4tA — Louise Haigh (@LouHaigh) June 3, 2020
2.
And if they can't afford bread, let them eat cake. https://t.co/qAohy3TIyD — James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) June 3, 2020
3.
if I was homeless I'd simply move into a home https://t.co/S9vMRS7pCZ — Dan Hett (@danhett) June 3, 2020
4.
Why stop there when you could encourage them to be billionaires https://t.co/PLz61Ar6gK — James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 3, 2020
5.
Look at the state of this balding child. I'm surprised he hasn't encouraged the homeless to build dens. "Dens can be enormous fun." https://t.co/FXSVFsCFaB — Louis Barfe (@AlanKelloggs) June 3, 2020
To sum up, Karl Tomlinson took the policy to its illogical conclusion.
Murder victims: have you tried not being dead? https://t.co/YVahy1ZDbi — Karl Tomlinson (@KarlT0) June 3, 2020
READ MORE
Someone tried to use maths to criticise a homelessness policy and got murdered with words
Source @insidehousing Image @evstyle on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-06-04--Remember when Trump refused to pick a favourite bible reading? It’s even funnier as a lip-synch

Having recently weaponised the bible , while also showing a fondness for a bit of that gas that brings tears @ @ @ @ @ Trump has directly appealed to fundamentalist Christian America .
It ’ s somewhat ironic , @ @ @ @ @ that he hasn ’ t a clue what ’ s in the book he so @ @ @ @ @ photo-opportunity .
With the video back in the public eye , the hugely talented Sarah @ @ @ @ @ of it – and it ’ s hilarious .
We don ’ t know how @ @ @ @ @ these videos seem to project the President ’ s many foibles into the light , @ @ @ @ @ much here for it .
We think Franklin Leonard pretty much nails it with this @ @ @ @ @ s takedown of bible-waving Donald Trump went viral because it says it all in a @ @

Videos
Having recently weaponised the bible, while also showing a fondness for a bit of that gas that brings tears to your eyes, Donald Trump has directly appealed to fundamentalist Christian America.
It’s somewhat ironic, given that this clip shows that he hasn’t a clue what’s in the book he so dramatically waved about for a photo-opportunity.
1. You mention that the Bible is your favorite book !!!
2. What are your favorite Bible verses ? – I don't want to get into it
3. The Bible means a lot to me
4. Are you a New or Old testament guy ? – Probably equal
5. The Bible is just incredible
6. The Bible is special 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/iQaYg6xfot — The Caring Atheist (@Caring_Atheist) August 21, 2019
With the video back in the public eye, the hugely talented Sarah Cooper has made a lip-synch of it – and it’s hilarious.
How to bible pic.twitter.com/Kib5lTdlRt — Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) June 3, 2020
We don’t know how she does it, but these videos seem to project the President’s many foibles into the light, and we’re very much here for it.
Sheer perfection from Sarah Cooper @sarahcpr as always.
This is how it sounds when someone gives a book report on a book they've never read. 🤣#Masterful_BS https://t.co/R1JQj4lFgP — Mark Hamill (@HamillHimself) June 3, 2020
She’s just so good at this. https://t.co/71sir5a5A4 — chris o'dowd (@BigBoyler) June 3, 2020
It’s something very special https://t.co/ZZpUn7YNeg — Tom Morello (@tmorello) June 3, 2020
We think Franklin Leonard pretty much nails it with this reaction.
When the history is written, it's distinctly possible that @sarahcpr may end up being the best thing to come of the Trump presidency. https://t.co/T9R1bV0hg7 — Franklin Leonard (@franklinleonard) June 3, 2020
READ MORE
This priest’s takedown of bible-waving Donald Trump went viral because it says it all in a single sentence
Source Sarah Cooper Image Sarah Cooper, @caring_atheist


thepoke--2020-06-04--Rees-Mogg’s back-to-work scheme went sideways when an MP showed Covid symptoms – 11 sick burns

After a shambolic and potentially dangerous – from a coronavirus point of view – physically present vote , the House @ @ @ @ @ day under Jacob Rees-Mogg ’ s new social-distancing measures on Wednesday .
Femi reminded us @ @ @ @ @ The minister in question was tested for coronavirus and sent home to self-isolate .
It @ @ @ @ @ situation for which the word “ omnishambles ” was invented .
These were our favourite @ @ @ @ @ .
Here ’ s a little reminder of the scenes on the stairs as MPs @ @ @ @ @ vote on Tuesday .
It ’ s okay , though , because it probably wasn @ @ @ @ @ dish of virulence at all .
Finally , comedy writer and author , James Felton @ @ @ @ @ of a contact tracer who ’ s been sitting around watching Netflix all geared up @ @ @ @ @ and Trace job .

News
After a shambolic and potentially dangerous – from a coronavirus point of view – physically present vote, the House of Commons had its first day under Jacob Rees-Mogg’s new social-distancing measures on Wednesday.
It wasn’t a huge success.
Business Secretary Alok Sharma wiped his face several times with a handkerchief and appeared to struggle as he spoke about the Corporate Insolvency and Governance Bill in the Commons pic.twitter.com/ysQ5RPF9lR — George Ryan 🏳🌈 (@GeorgeMRyan) June 3, 2020
Femi reminded us all of the guidance.
Government guidelines:
▪ Don't touch your face.
▪ If you have Coronavirus symptoms, Stay home.
▪ If it is possible to work from home (as your 649 colleagues have done for weeks) do not go to work. Alok Sharma (now being tested): Hold my tissues!pic.twitter.com/Vu4orZ3uUM — Femi (@Femi_Sorry) June 3, 2020
The minister in question was tested for coronavirus and sent home to self-isolate.
Alok Sharma has now been tested and sent home after spreading his germs all around The Commons.
Good job we don't have a world beating track and trace system in place or we'd be ordering every MP to self isolate. pic.twitter.com/pJNv8drinL — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) June 3, 2020
It’s the sort of situation for which the word “omnishambles” was invented.
These were our favourite of the many scathing responses.
1.
When Alok Sharma next does the briefing, I must ask him to remind everyone not to touch their faces and to get tested immediately if they develop symptoms such as a high temperature.#DailyBriefing pic.twitter.com/PaWFAX4TE2 — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) June 3, 2020
2.
The absolute morons have put themselves in the position where they can now either isolate most of parliament or else give the message to the public that that rule too was bollocks. — James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 3, 2020
3.
Let’s put Jacob in charge.
What could possibly go wrong? https://t.co/1pJfaZ44rf — James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) June 3, 2020
4.
And there was me thinking Jacob Rees-Mogg preferred to kill people by biting into their carotid artery. https://t.co/ZQ8dCy5HeV — Adam Kay (@amateuradam) June 3, 2020
5.
Jacob Rees-Morgue — Robin Flavell (@RobinFlavell) June 3, 2020
6.
I hope Alok Sharma makes a full and swift recovery. I hope @Jacob_Rees_Mogg makes a full and swift apology. https://t.co/rthirocRCy — Peter Kyle MP (@peterkyle) June 3, 2020
7.
Alok Sharma hitting the 'sweat pishing out of you like a broken drain pipe as you shed like a hot golden retriever' stage of the Rona-gyp there. https://t.co/dHqpR8VLKp — Malcolm Tucker Esq 🕷 (@Tucker5law) June 3, 2020
8.
In the wake of Alok Sharma catching COVID-19 Jacob Rees-Mogg must take the only sensible course of action and self-isolate for 14 years. pic.twitter.com/lFqdaWcKzS — Count Binface (@CountBinface) June 3, 2020
9.
Now be fair, Alok Sharma didn't catch COVID-19 from queuing to vote yesterday. He'll have been developing it for a week or two if he actually has got it.
We probably can't say the same for whoever he was standing next to in the queue though. So there's that. — Malcolm Tucker Esq 🕷 (@Tucker5law) June 3, 2020
10.
If Alok Sharma tests positive for coronavirus, the MPs shouldn't worry – I hear our contact tracing system is the best in the world. — the palpitations (@ThePalpitations) June 3, 2020
11.
Jacob Rees Mogg is taken ill after sitting too close to Alok Sharma and is forced to lay down in a medical coma and a near paralised state, reports are in,that he also soiled his pants pic.twitter.com/bMpn5BS4ui — Mr Eton Oldboys MP (@EtonOldBoys) June 4, 2020
Here’s a little reminder of the scenes on the stairs as MPs waited almost an hour to vote on Tuesday.
More pics of the logjam earlier when MPs pouring down Portcullis House escalators crashed into the back of the voting queue & could neither go forward or back. Rees Mogg passed during this crush & I told him he was a disgrace. #covid19UK pic.twitter.com/lPxz7rx8YJ — Ben Bradshaw (@BenPBradshaw) June 2, 2020
It’s okay, though, because it probably wasn’t a virtual Petri dish of virulence at all.
via Gfycat
Finally, comedy writer and author, James Felton, pitied the poor sap of a contact tracer who’s been sitting around watching Netflix all geared up for their first proper Track and Trace job.
Imagine being one of the horrendously undertrained track and trace employees, picking up the phone, nervously asking who they've seen in the last few days and the guy just says "parliament" — James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 3, 2020
READ MORE
Parliament’s socially distanced voting system is a shambles – 18 scathing reactions
Source George Ryan Image George Ryan


thepoke--2020-06-03--This priest’s takedown of bible-waving Donald Trump went viral because it says it all in a single se

This priest’s takedown of bible-waving Donald Trump went viral because it says it all in a single sentence

There ’ s been no shortage of criticism of Donald Trump and his response to , well , pretty much @ @ @ @ @ have put it quite so well – or succinctly – as this man , an @ @ @ @ @ who had this to say about the so-called president on Twitter .
‘ Couldn ’ @ @ @ @ @ ’ said actor @ StephenMangan who was one of many , many people to share @ @ @ @ @ Not everyone agreed with him , naturally .

Pics
There’s been no shortage of criticism of Donald Trump and his response to, well, pretty much everything.
But few people have put it quite so well – or succinctly – as this man, an American priest called Robert Hendrickson who had this to say about the so-called president on Twitter.
In particular, about the moment Trump posed holding a president in front of a church, the area having been cleared not long before of peaceful protestors by law enforcement officials using tear gas and rubber bullets.
‘Couldn’t put it better,’ said actor @StephenMangan who was one of many, many people to share his words on Twitter.
Not everyone agreed with him, naturally.
Email Inbox summary this morning: “You’re a repulsive left wing stooge who made me leave the Epiacopal Church 30 years ago. Take your demon liberalism and shove it! You should move to Haiti!” “Thank you for saying things that I’ve had a hard time saying.” A nice balance. — Robert Hendrickson (@FrRHendrickson) June 3, 2020
God grant me the strength not to engage trolls, the kindness to engage with honest disagreement, and the wisdom to know the difference. — Robert Hendrickson (@FrRHendrickson) June 3, 2020
READ MORE
Simply 17 funny photoshops of Donald Trump holding a Bible outside church
Source @FrRHendrickson H/T @StephenMangan


thepoke--2020-06-03--When you really want a McDonald’s but you don’t own a car and they’ve only opened drive thrus

Spotted !
When you really want a McDonald ’ s but they ’ ve only opened they drive thru and @ @ @ @ @ a car .
Give him his fries for free .

Videos
Spotted! When you really want a McDonald’s but they’ve only opened the drive thrus and you haven’t got a car.
So this chap did this.
When you need a McDonald’s but it’s only drive through 😂 pic.twitter.com/2r4okTtyiw — 🏴Vickie (Gen x)🏴 (@vickie19761) June 3, 2020
Give him his fries for free!
Although some people weren’t overly optimistic …
Thing is I bet they didn't serve him, they're not one for jokes.. at least my local one anyway. — Jason Robinson (@nosniboRnosaJ) June 3, 2020
I recall turning up at a KFC at 1050pm with a van full of police who had just done a 15-16hr day.
The van was too high to get through the drive-thru.
8 cops in perfect formation approach the window on foot, complete with window winding action from the driver. — Makeshift Ex-Cop (@makeshiftcop) June 3, 2020
Bet they got served …
READ MORE
McDonald’s has released a range of food-scented candles – 11 hot burns
Source @vickie19761