thepoke--2020-03-16--A Tory ‘commentator’ used coronavirus stockpiling to make a political point and it’s this week’s dum

A Tory ‘commentator’ used coronavirus stockpiling to make a political point and it’s this week’s dumbest tweet

Here ’ s Tory commentator Darren Grimes – you might remember the BeLeave founder ’ s occasionally memorable role in @ @ @ @ @ EU – using supermarket ’ s empty shelves to make a political point .
And @ @ @ @ @ say it didn ’ t go down well .
Here are our 7 favourite replies @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s still not clear .
A Brexiteer used Australia as inspiration for the @ @ @ @ @ expert ’ s takedown was brutal

Twitter
Here’s Tory commentator Darren Grimes – you might remember the BeLeave founder’s occasionally memorable role in the campaign to exit the EU – using supermarket’s empty shelves to make a political point.
And it’s fair to say it didn’t go down well.
Well, folks. At least the coronavirus panic has given us a look into life under Jeremy Corbyn’s preferred Venezuelan ‘alternative’. pic.twitter.com/aZhNlSxVPz — Darren Grimes (@darrengrimes_) March 14, 2020
Here are our 7 favourite replies.
1.
https://twitter.com/MorganPaulett/status/1238910780977930247?s=20
2.
This is quite literally a photograph of life under Johnson. I feel like I'm losing my mind. https://t.co/wPq7WhIdnb — James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 14, 2020
3.
This is, quite literally, life under a right-wing British government where the population is confused & frightened. We all need to demand better from our leaders, Darren, wherever we may stand on other issues. I hope your secretly-funded employers permit you to endorse this plea. https://t.co/c00tqzOPoV — James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) March 14, 2020
4.
capitalists love showing the failures of capitalism and saying “this is socialism” https://t.co/4I6d1p0e2c — Liv (@LivPosting) March 15, 2020
5.
https://twitter.com/GuyLucasBhana/status/1238920584068829185?s=20
6.
People are dying. Many are scared like they’ve never been before—like may grandmother, 96 years old, who today cried when I rang her and said she is so afraid. Yet here you are, thinking this is the moment for cheap political point-scoring. You are the worst of us. https://t.co/pot79qjJik — Prof Tanja Bueltmann (@cliodiaspora) March 14, 2020
7.
love this genre of tweet: useless media blue-check pretending that what is actually happening right now in reality in a capitalist country is instead happening in an imaginary socialist onehttps://t.co/KMit0ipx3I — Shaun (@shaun_vids) March 14, 2020
And just in case it’s still not clear.
Dude. This photo was taken in a capitalist country. https://t.co/s70EdvUMLL — Steve Peers (@StevePeers) March 14, 2020
READ MORE
A Brexiteer used Australia as inspiration for the UK and this Aussie trade expert’s takedown was brutal
Source Twitter @darrengrimes_


thepoke--2020-03-16--Favourite 4 replies to ‘Mr Plenty’ who’s tackling coronavirus head on

Here ’ s a chap who calls himself Mr Plenty on Twitter and it ’ s fair to say he @ @ @ @ @ the coronavirus .
We know this , because he said this .
Never been sick @ @ @ @ @ ?
Whatever gets you through the night and all that .
Having said that , @ @ @ @ @ replies .
And lots of people were saying things like this .
Prince Charles ’ @ @ @ @ @ were made even better with a hilarious overdub

Twitter
Here’s a chap who calls himself Mr Plenty on Twitter and it’s fair to say he’s not afraid of the coronavirus. We know this, because he said this.
Come infect this body corona. I will destroy you. I won the genetic lottery. Men like me are 1 in a million. Hard to kill. pic.twitter.com/8fmJV1psMX — Mr. Plenty (@OfWudan) March 14, 2020
Never been sick in his life, see?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SICK IN MY ENTIRE LIFE EVER. Dieases look under the bed before they go to sleep, to check I AM NOT THERE. LEARN THE SECRETS TO UNLIMITED POWER HERE:https://t.co/CSDKy4lAO3 — Mr. Plenty (@OfWudan) March 15, 2020
Whatever gets you through the night and all that. Having said that, here are our 4 favourite replies.
You (weak):
I’m going to wash my hands more Me (winner of genetic lottery):
If the coronavirus comes near me I’ll twat it pic.twitter.com/tk5N4F2oLu — James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 15, 2020
I had to do a double take on the reflection in the mirror because for a second I genuinely thought he’d won the penis lottery. — Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) March 15, 2020
First to die in the movie. Every time. https://t.co/PSvWxD3Vo5 — Stephen Graham (@PlopGazette) March 15, 2020
It appears you have two eye sockets in your lower back….part of the genetic lottery I presume — Vincent Dovey (@VincentDovey) March 15, 2020
And lots of people were saying things like this.
Stop skipping leg day — self-isolated bee 🐝 (@soapachu) March 15, 2020
Harsh, very harsh.
READ MORE
Prince Charles’ awkward attempts to avoid handshakes were made even better with a hilarious overdub
Source Twitter @OfWudan


thepoke--2020-03-17--Clever comeback of the week

Clever comeback of the week

To the US , where the Republican party ’ s Twitter feed had this to say about Donald Trump and @ @ @ @ @ And if you think it was asking for a clever comeback , you ’ d @ @ @ @ @ Trump trying to say ‘ tolerated ’ is 8 seconds well spent

Twitter
To the US, where the Republican party’s Twitter feed had this to say about Donald Trump and his coronavirus so-called policy.
“When America is tested, America rises to the occasion.” –@realDonaldTrump — GOP (@GOP) March 13, 2020
And if you think it was asking for a clever comeback, you’d be right.
Boom.
READ MORE
Watching Donald Trump trying to say ‘tolerated’ is 8 seconds well spent
Source Reddit u/khodor2012


thepoke--2020-03-17--Mel Brooks’ son Max has gone viral by being anti-viral

Multi-talented writer , actor , director and comedian Mel Brooks is 93 and still going strong , but he ’ @ @ @ @ @ sector of society in the current Covid-19 pandemic .
His son , Max – himself @ @ @ @ @ has teamed up with his dad to share this important message to the younger and @ @ @ @ @ .
If certain governments could be this clear – we ’ re looking at you @ @ @ @ @ there ’ d be no need for celebrities to be making these videos .
Let @ @ @ @ @ moment to consider being potentially responsible for killing Dick Van Dyke …or the Queen …or @ @ @ @ @ been a lot of reactions to Max and Mel ’ s advice , but these @ @ @ @ @ No better way to celebrate Mel Brooks ’ 93rd birthday than this One Show moment

Twitter
Multi-talented writer, actor, director and comedian Mel Brooks is 93 and still going strong, but he’s firmly in the at-risk sector of society in the current Covid-19 pandemic.
His son, Max – himself an actor and writer – has teamed up with his dad to share this important message to the younger and healthier people in the community.
If certain governments could be this clear – we’re looking at you, US and UK – there’d be no need for celebrities to be making these videos.
Let’s just take a moment to consider being potentially responsible for killing Dick Van Dyke …or the Queen …or your nan.
via Gfycat
There have been a lot of reactions to Max and Mel’s advice, but these were among the best.
Please listen to Max's wise words everyone. It's great advice & we simply can't take the risk of endangering Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner & Dick Van Dyke, who represent a collective 284 years of comic genius!!! #coronavirus #DontBeASpreader https://t.co/oXrWT3ktCe — Mark Hamill (@HamillHimself) March 16, 2020
Max and Mel! You did a wonderful thing here. I estimate this video alone will keep 43,321 people healthy. Funny can heal. @maxbrooksauthor @MelBrooks I love you guys. https://t.co/IyW8UttREC — Alan Alda (@alanalda) March 16, 2020
And a final word from journalist, Siraj Hashmi.
If Coronavirus comes for Mel Brooks, we ride at dawn. https://t.co/IlkQEakljw — Siraj Hashmi (@SirajAHashmi) March 16, 2020
We’re in!
#DontBeASpreader
READ MORE
No better way to celebrate Mel Brooks’ 93rd birthday than this One Show moment
Source Max Brooks Image Max Brooks


thepoke--2020-03-17--Boris Johnson doesn’t want us to go to the pub but won’t close them – only 5 reactions you need

Not long until Boris Johnson ’ s second daily coronavirus update – woohoo !
– but people are still trying to get to grips with his first .
Particularly his advice that people should ‘ avoid pubs , clubs , theatres and other such social venues ’ .
Which sounds straight forward enough , but not if you work in ( or own ) a pub , club , theatre or other such social venue .
Because the prime minister wasn ’ t ordering them to close , just suggesting that people don ’ t go there .
“ What @ @ @ @ @ @ @ advice that public venues such as theatres should no longer be visited .
The proprietors of those venues are taking the logical steps that you would imagine , you are seeing the change happen already .
As for enforcement , we have the powers if necessary but I don ’ t believe it will be necessary to use those powers.
” And here ’ s exactly what people made of that .
Oh , and this .
Not often those two are in agreement .
And here ’ s what the mayor of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Boris Johnson just gave his first daily coronavirus update – 17 entirely unimpressed responses

Twitter
Not long until Boris Johnson’s second daily coronavirus update – woohoo! – but people are still trying to get to grips with his first.
Particularly his advice that people should ‘avoid pubs, clubs, theatres and other such social venues’. Which sounds straight forward enough, but not if you work in (or own) a pub, club, theatre or other such social venue.
Because the prime minister wasn’t ordering them to close, just suggesting that people don’t go there.
“What we are doing is giving very strong advice that public venues such as theatres should no longer be visited. The proprietors of those venues are taking the logical steps that you would imagine, you are seeing the change happen already. As for enforcement, we have the powers if necessary but I don’t believe it will be necessary to use those powers.”
And here’s exactly what people made of that.
1.
This is mad. Either ban shit or don’t. Don’t “recommend.” “We don’t think gatherings cause infection so we’re not banning them but don’t go to the pub, club or theatre.” Pardon? — David Baddiel (@Baddiel) March 16, 2020
2.
https://twitter.com/SpillerOfTea/status/1239638268649648138
3.
After a day when our government tells us to avoid going to bars n restaurants – takings in my 13 sites were down by 66% last night. We have no insurance claims to protect us as it’s not an enforced closure. It won’t take long for us to go out of business permanently. — simonrimmer (@simonrim) March 17, 2020
4.
Let me add my voice to the justifiably outraged clamour of those furious at the govt for insisting hospitality and entertainment industries shut down without legally mandating them to do so, meaning they can’t claim insurance. Staggeringly reckless. — Jay Rayner (@jayrayner1) March 16, 2020
5.
This government's advice about avoiding pubs and clubs and theatres without ever saying they actually will be closed is one of the most despicable cynical things I have known in all my life. It's because many of their old Tory Uni chums run insurance companies now. Venal. Sick. — Danny Baker (@prodnose) March 16, 2020
To conclude, this.
Do pubs, bars, restaurants, cafes, theatres, cinemas close or not?
Ridiculous of @BorisJohnson to just 'suggest' it & not ban it.
Not least because these businesses will be forced to close but can't claim on insurance if they're not ordered to.
This must be clarified – urgently. — Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) March 16, 2020
Oh, and this.
Would like to know, though, why people are advised to work from home (many can’t), as well as being asked to steer clear of pubs, clubs, bars, theatre, restaurants etc. but schools remain open? Also do these businesses remain open when everyone is told to stay away? — Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) March 16, 2020
Not often those two are in agreement.
And here’s what the mayor of London Sadiq Khan said about it.
As people are told to stay away from pubs and clubs etc.
Londons Mayor, Sadiq Khan told #BBCBreakfast the government either need to 'ban these things or step in and provide financial support.' ⬇ pic.twitter.com/Rhee757LDJ — BBC Breakfast (@BBCBreakfast) March 17, 2020
READ MORE
Boris Johnson just gave his first daily coronavirus update – 17 entirely unimpressed responses
Image Pixabay


thepoke--2020-03-17--Simply 23 reasons to love Ireland on St Patrick’s Day

It ’ s a St Patrick ’ s Day like no other for reasons which you ’ re probably familiar @ @ @ @ @ in the absence of a pint of Guinness in the pub with your mates , @ @ @ @ @ love Ireland .
Not quite the same we know , but we hope it might @ @ @ @ @ 6 .
And the useful road signs .

It’s a St Patrick’s Day like no other for reasons which you’re probably familiar with by now. So in the absence of a pint of Guinness in the pub with your mates, enjoy these 23 reasons to love Ireland.
Not quite the same we know, but we hope it might take the edge off.
1. The emergency services.
2. The public transport.
3.
4.
5. The relaxed traffic laws.
6. And the useful road signs.
7. The relaxed dress code.
8. The terrific postal service.
9. The… accessibility?
10. The opening hours.
11. The parenting techniques.
12. The weather.


thepoke--2020-03-17--19 of the best new coronavirus jokes to lower your blood pressure

One day into the government ’ s new daily coronavirus update regimen and it looks like they ’ ve had @ @ @ @ @ to torch the theatre , pub and restaurant industries .
Since Boris Johnson was heard @ @ @ @ @ back when he was Foreign Secretary , he clearly intends to deliver on at least @ @ @ @ @ UK awaits the next thrilling installment of “ Health Policy Roulette , Twitter has been @ @ @ @ @ finding laughs wherever it can .

Twitter
One day into the government’s new daily coronavirus update regimen and it looks like they’ve had a meeting and agreed to to torch the theatre, pub and restaurant industries.
Since Boris Johnson was heard saying “F_ck business” back when he was Foreign Secretary, he clearly intends to deliver on at least one promise.
As the UK awaits the next thrilling installment of “Health Policy Roulette, Twitter has been spending its time wisely, finding laughs wherever it can.
1.
Coronavirus wfh day one and I'm delighted to announce I've worked out how to play Losing My Religion on the ukelele — Alan White (@aljwhite) March 16, 2020
2.
Pandemic, Day 5 Spain: Partial lockdown France: Orders people to stay home for 15 days. Suspends gas, electricity bills and rents throughout crisis Germany: Closes borders UK: Just realised their plan will lead to 250,000 deaths, suggests everybody stay away from Les Mis. — James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 16, 2020
3.
I know this time of self isolation is hard and scary for people but however bad you are feeling- please, please don’t consider starting your own podcast Straight men under the age of 35 are particularly vulnerable to this and we all need to be vigilant of the dangers x — Nicola Coughlan (@nicolacoughlan) March 16, 2020
4.
The videos of Italians singing on their balconies in lockdown is so beautiful. I PRAY it doesn’t get to that here because I cannot take English people singing Mr Brightside from their front porches 🥴🤢 — todd (@todd_j_cooper) March 14, 2020
5.
If humanity is to become extinct, who would you like to see replace it? Badgers, for me. Love ‘em. They deserve a crack. Badgers. — Robin Flavell (@RobinFlavell) March 15, 2020
6.
Going to start a self-isolation podcast, breezy and full of cheer on day one, advising you what films to watch and books to read, and then chronicling my swift decline into babbling urine-drinking madness by day three. — . (@twlldun) March 16, 2020
7.
Working from home: Day 1: This is very nice Day 2: I have thrown out all my clothes, I haven't showered in years, I hiss at every noise — Michael, Quarantine Edition 🌶 (@Home_Halfway) March 16, 2020
8.
“practice social distancing”
-clinical, cold
-boring, lawful
-vague, confusing “stay away, we mustn’t”
-weird, hot
-easy to understand, draws a clear boundary
-big medieval courtly love energy — keely flaherty (@keelyflaherty) March 13, 2020
9.
Just took 93yr Mum to panic buy loo roll, she's registered blind. In a very loud voice she said, "which box to self isolate." A cheer went up from the responsibly distant shoppers — 👏🧼👍 katie 👏🧼👍 (@supermathskid) March 15, 2020
10.


thepoke--2020-03-17--15 things that seem normal during the day but creepy AF at night

Perspective is everything , which is why it ’ s never a good idea to use the back of a @ @ @ @ @ but it doesn ’ t just affect physical appearance .
Over on r/AskReddit , u/nooyork @ @ @ @ @ perfectly normal during the day , but take on a much more sinister perspective at @ @ @ @ @ these answers .

uncategorised
Perspective is everything, which is why it’s never a good idea to use the back of a spoon as a mirror, but it doesn’t just affect physical appearance.
Over on r/AskReddit, u/nooyork wanted to know things seem perfectly normal during the day, but take on a much more sinister perspective at night.
We really liked these answers.
1.
2.
3.
4.
via Gfycat
5.
6.
7.
8.


thepoke--2020-03-17--Gillian Anderson as personal protective equipment is the thread we don’t need but definitely want

A few months ago , it would have been very hard to think of anything that could push Brexit off @ @ @ @ @ UK ’ s news and discussion programmes , but then along came Covid-19 , with @ @ @ @ @ and boom – one-track news feed .
One side effect of the pandemic has been @ @ @ @ @ products , toilet rolls and hand sanitiser , and we now know that hospitals are @ @ @ @ @ personal protective equipment – or PPE .
So , Dr Philip Lee has compiled a @ @ @ @ @ Gillian Anderson – as PPE items .
As you do .
It was so good @ @ @ @ @ seal of approval .
Now , go and wash your hands .
Caprice arguing with @ @ @ @ @ stop coronavirus is peak 2020

Pics
A few months ago, it would have been very hard to think of anything that could push Brexit off the top spot on the UK’s news and discussion programmes, but then along came Covid-19, with its drama and shortages, and boom – one-track news feed.
One side effect of the pandemic has been the rush to hoard cleaning products, toilet rolls and hand sanitiser, and we now know that hospitals are struggling to maintain stocks of personal protective equipment – or PPE.
So, Dr Philip Lee has compiled a thread of images of actor Gillian Anderson – as PPE items. As you do.
1.
Gillian Anderson as #COVIDー19 Personal Protective Equipment, a thread pic.twitter.com/zrsnw2q03T — Dr Philip *👏WASH🧼YOUR🧴HANDS👏* Lee (@drphiliplee1) March 14, 2020
2.
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6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
He added some important advice.
Please, please remember: Wash your hands frequently 🧼
Use hand sanitizer where you cannot 🧴
Keep a distance of 1m if you can 🙅♂
Only go to A&E if seriously ill, otherwise use 111 or 111 Online 💻📱
Stay indoors and self isolate if you have a fever or persistent cough 🤒😷 — Dr Philip *👏WASH🧼YOUR🧴HANDS👏* Lee (@drphiliplee1) March 14, 2020
Do not hoard essentials others might need 🥫🧻😷 Check on vulnerable and elderly neighbours and help if you can 👵🏻👴🏽 Cough or sneeze into a tissue or your elbow, then clean your hands. 🤧💪🧴 — Dr Philip *👏WASH🧼YOUR🧴HANDS👏* Lee (@drphiliplee1) March 14, 2020
It was so good, it got this perfect seal of approval.
Delighted to be precursor to survival ‘chic’ https://t.co/jRc2yrWcxs — Gillian Anderson (@GillianA) March 15, 2020
Now, go and wash your hands.
READ MORE
Caprice arguing with a doctor about how to stop coronavirus is peak 2020
Source Dr Philip Lee Image Dr Philip Lee


thepoke--2020-03-17--Wellington the penguin exploring Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium will brighten your day

The coronavirus closures and restrictions across many countries are changing our lives for the worse , but we can at @ @ @ @ @ effect they ’ ve had on the rockhopper penguins at Chicago ’ s Shedd Aquarium @ @ @ @ @ .
When ABC ’ s writer and social media manager , Evan McMurry , shared @ @ @ @ @ viral , picking up more than 5.5m views in less than ten hours .
The @ @ @ @ @ tweeters , many of whom are now stuck in their own homes and very much @ @ @ @ @ the value of freedom .
Penguins weren ’ t the only animals benefiting from a @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll stop short of trying it with lions .
Two penguins walk into a @ @ @ @ @ – our 7 favourite comments

Videos
The coronavirus closures and restrictions across many countries are changing our lives for the worse, but we can at least remotely enjoy the liberating effect they’ve had on the rockhopper penguins at Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium, particularly one named Wellington.
Penguins in the Amazon?! 🐧🌴 Some of the penguins went on a field trip to meet other animals at Shedd. Wellington seemed most interested in the fishes in Amazon Rising! The black-barred silver dollars also seemed interested in their unusual visitor. pic.twitter.com/KgYWsp5VQD — Shedd Aquarium (@shedd_aquarium) March 15, 2020
When ABC’s writer and social media manager, Evan McMurry, shared the clip, it went viral, picking up more than 5.5m views in less than ten hours.
oh my god, the chicago aquarium closed due to coronavirus, so they let the penguins run around and check out the other exhibits. (staff was present.) pic.twitter.com/YGa8CugymE — Evan McMurry (@evanmcmurry) March 16, 2020
The curious little creatures have delighted tweeters, many of whom are now stuck in their own homes and very much in a place to appreciate the value of freedom.
I needed this https://t.co/xvU96JmJaj — Kasie Hunt (@kasie) March 16, 2020
This is amazing https://t.co/fEdH8JlX2O — Nicolle Wallace (@NicolleDWallace) March 16, 2020
They are wandering around in absolute awestruck wonder…why am I crying rn???? https://t.co/AqmOVt2ztJ — Nick Jordan (@themaledaze) March 16, 2020
Penguins weren’t the only animals benefiting from a lockdown.
Oregon Zoo took the baby elephant around the zoo to visit the other animals. pic.twitter.com/c0zEMD6nyG — Chris Hawks (@CHawksRun) March 16, 2020
We trust they’ll stop short of trying it with lions.
READ MORE
Two penguins walk into a bar: a sushi bar – our 7 favourite comments
Source Shedd Aquarium Image Shedd Aquarium


thepoke--2020-03-17--This incredible flash mob playing Beethoven’s Ode to Joy will give you feelings

To celebrate the 130th anniversary of its founding , the Banco Sabadell in Barcelona organised a flash mob , but @ @ @ @ @ .
This was a collaboration between the Vallès Symphony Orchestra , the Lieder , Amics @ @ @ @ @ Coral Belles Arts choirs , performing Beethoven ’ s Ode to Joy .
If it @ @ @ @ @ tear to your eye or a lump to your throat , then we can only @ @ @ @ @ inside .
It was tweeted out by Classic FM , who have a particular interest @ @ @ @ @ .
Writer and director Jay Arnold spotted the post and shared it , boosting its @ @ @ @ @ million views .
People have been rightly astonished by the extraordinary performance .
Gardener and @ @ @ @ @ it in a nutshell .
There was a Mario Kart flashmob in Westfield Shopping Centre

Twitter
To celebrate the 130th anniversary of its founding, the Banco Sabadell in Barcelona organised a flash mob, but not just any flash mob. This was a collaboration between the Vallès Symphony Orchestra, the Lieder, Amics de l’Òpera and Coral Belles Arts choirs, performing Beethoven’s Ode to Joy.
If it doesn’t bring a tear to your eye or a lump to your throat, then we can only conclude you’re dead inside.
It was tweeted out by Classic FM, who have a particular interest in that sort of thing.
Incredible Beethoven 'Ode to Joy' flashmob! 🎻🎺🥁❤ (📹 Banco Sabadell) pic.twitter.com/irhrphwYE6 — Classic FM (@ClassicFM) March 10, 2020
Writer and director Jay Arnold spotted the post and shared it, boosting its audience and grabbing almost five million views.
Treat yourself to this breathtaking Beethoven 'Ode to Joy' flashmob. Hang in there 🔊 pic.twitter.com/qcDKrREOqv — Jay Arnold 🏳🌈 (@JadedCreative) March 12, 2020
People have been rightly astonished by the extraordinary performance.
stay ..and your spirit will soar ..at this moment it is so important https://t.co/rXPrTANwuE — Henry Winkler (@hwinkler4real) March 12, 2020
Gardener and author, Monty Don said it in a nutshell.
If this does not fill you with hope and joy at the power of the human spirit then you are lost. Wonderful. https://t.co/KxN1Pref2b — Monty Don (@TheMontyDon) March 13, 2020
READ MORE
There was a Mario Kart flashmob in Westfield Shopping Centre
Source Banco Sabadell Image Banco Sabadell


thepoke--2020-03-17--This tale of public nudity at a German spa is both excruciating and hilarious

If you ’ ve ever had one of those dreams where you find yourself naked in public , you can @ @ @ @ @ in a cold sweat and the relief of discovering it wasn ’ t real .
@ @ @ @ @ , however , it was real .
Very , very real .
She generously shared @ @ @ @ @ , and we were cringing on her behalf just reading it .
It all sounded @ @ @ @ @ .
But soon , the nightmare kicked in .
We ’ re sure we ’ @ @ @ @ @ , and there ’ s usually a velociraptor … We ’ d give anything to @ @ @ @ @ said .

Twitter
If you’ve ever had one of those dreams where you find yourself naked in public, you can probably still remember waking up in a cold sweat and the relief of discovering it wasn’t real.
For writer, Anbara Salam, however, it was real. Very, very real.
She generously shared her mortifying tale with Twitter, and we were cringing on her behalf just reading it.
It all sounded so straightforward to begin with.
As a public service in these stressful times I'd like to offer, as a palate cleanser, the most embarrassing moment of my life. 10ish years ago, my ex bf and I visited a spa in Germany. It's swimsuits in the pool but you have to be naked in the sauna. Btw I speak no German. 1/ — Anbara Salam (@anbara_salam) March 16, 2020
Bf and I agree to meet in the café. I get undressed, grab a lil towel and go off to the sauna. There are 2 unmarked doors at the end of a corridor, I take a guess and go through the one on the left. It's not the door to the sauna. It's the fire escape. 2/ — Anbara Salam (@anbara_salam) March 16, 2020
But soon, the nightmare kicked in.
The door locks behind me. I am trapped inside the fire escape, in the nip. 3/ — Anbara Salam (@anbara_salam) March 16, 2020
It's 2 storeys, dark, grim, noisy bc of huge fans. I bang on the fire escape door until I actually hurt myself. Nothing. Yell for help. Nothing. Fully crying, I run downstairs, trying to work out which part of me I should cover with the lil towel – my face? A single buttock? 4/ — Anbara Salam (@anbara_salam) March 16, 2020
We’re sure we’ve had this dream too, and there’s usually a velociraptor …
Bang on the 2nd floor doors for 10 mins. Yell some more. Nothing. On the ground floor there's an unlocked door. Jackpot! But no, it's a terrifying machine room with massive fans & pumps & 'electrocution' symbols on everything. 5/ — Anbara Salam (@anbara_salam) March 16, 2020
Friends, there's nothing quite like running, naked & crying, around an industrial machine room. I spot a service lift. Out of sheer panic, I run into the lift, covering each boob in turn, mashing the buttons.
6/ — Anbara Salam (@anbara_salam) March 16, 2020
I go up & down in the lift a few times. There's a security camera in the lift. Torn between 'I don't want anyone to see this' and 'I rlly rlly want someone to see this & rescue me' I move the lil towel between strategic areas while sobbing & waving at the camera 7/ — Anbara Salam (@anbara_salam) March 16, 2020
We’d give anything to know what the announcement really said.


thepoke--2020-03-17--People are sharing the ‘hauntingly specific insults’ they’ve suffered and these 25 are awfully brill

People are sharing the ‘hauntingly specific insults’ they’ve suffered and these 25 are awfully brilliant

It all began when the great Sarah Dempster – @ Dempster2000 on Twitter – asked people to share the ‘ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve received before sharing one of her own .
And lots of people responded @ @ @ @ @ insults that were very funny and , well , very , very specific .
Here @ @ @ @ @ including a couple more from Sarah herself .

Twitter
It all began when the great Sarah Dempster – @Dempster2000 on Twitter – asked people to share the ‘specific insults’ that they’ve received before sharing one of her own.
What’s the most hauntingly specific insult you’ve ever received? I once made a joke about Dennis Waterman’s dentures and a man wrote to tell me I was “obviously lonely”. — Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) March 17, 2020
And lots of people responded with a whole bunch of insults that were very funny and, well, very, very specific.
Here are our favourite 25, including a couple more from Sarah herself.
1.
“Fucking statue!” shouted at me from a car, when I was standing still, reading a book. — Nathaniel Tapley (@Natt) March 17, 2020
2.
“If you were in a photograph and there was nothing to show scale, you’d have quite a nice figure” — @LucyMangan (@LucyMangan) March 17, 2020
3.
Was once playing a gig and a drunk man shouted up “You’re having your fun, but what about us?” — Lisa Carey (@msleedy) March 17, 2020
4.
I criticised Zoella and one of her fans said I sounded like I was 40, which was obviously the most terrible insult they could think of. I was, in fact, 40 — Anita Singh (@anitathetweeter) March 17, 2020
5.
Below the line comment to something I’d written: “He writes what he knows. Which is why his columns are so empty.” — Robert Webb (@arobertwebb) March 17, 2020
6.
Any good comebacks tho? I once told Steven Wells not to put his head under the pillow at bed time because the twat fairy might come for it. — David Quantick (@quantick) March 17, 2020
7.
Someone described my autobiography as being a bit ‘Me, me, me.’ — Sarah Millican (@SarahMillican75) March 17, 2020
8.
I stood up on the school bus and a fifth former shouted out “sit the fuck down, moonface.” — Matthew Holness (@MrHolness) March 17, 2020
9.
Have been called Spock for many years from being a child, as I have slightly pointed ears. As an adult the ear insults almost disappeared until one night in my local I was referred to as ‘Fat Legolas’. — Dave McCann (@davemc99) March 17, 2020
10.
Radio Four announcer before complaints show: "And if you're David Quantick, you might want to cover your ears." https://t.co/zyBkLvOm7e — David Quantick (@quantick) March 17, 2020
11.
Bunch of rascally youngsters got on the train. One of the group breaks away and slowly walks up to me, leans in a bit so not too close, and says, ‘Ginger Wolverine’, before scarpering — Toby Earle (@TobyonTV) March 17, 2020
12.


thepoke--2020-03-17--Stanley Johnson’s ignoring his son the PM’s advice and going to the pub anyway – only 5 responses yo

Stanley Johnson’s ignoring his son the PM’s advice and going to the pub anyway – only 5 responses you need

Stanley Johnson ’ s been on This Morning today telling everyone that despite what his son said about not going @ @ @ @ @ theatre and so on ) he ’ s off to the boozer anyway .
And @ @ @ @ @ confusion around prime minister Boris Johnson ’ s so-called coronavirus strategy , it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ of other stuff too , but also this .
And these are the only 5 @ @ @ @ @ Johnson doesn ’ t want us to go to the pub but won ’ t @ @ @ @ @ reactions you need

Videos
Stanley Johnson’s been on This Morning today telling everyone that despite what his son said about not going to the pub (and theatre and so on) he’s off to the boozer anyway.
And if anything summed up the confusion around prime minister Boris Johnson’s so-called coronavirus strategy, it’s this. Well, lots of other stuff too, but also this.
Stanley Johnson slammed as ‘irresponsible’ after ignoring son Boris’s advice to declare he’s off down the pub.#covid19UK pic.twitter.com/VJbsJrvl2z — Haggis_UK 🇬🇧 🇪🇺 (@Haggis_UK) March 17, 2020
And these are the only 5 responses you need.
https://twitter.com/DarrenEuronews/status/1239866323565502464?s=20
I'm not sure the government's communication strategy is working too well if they can't even convince the Prime Minister's 79-year-old dad to just get shitfaced at homepic.twitter.com/n8DEjgRC4n — James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 17, 2020
If you don't think our media is broken – tell me how its sensible to have Stanley Johnson on national TV telling people its OK to go to the pub. Why wasn't this slot given to someone who understands the science? — Mark Hebden (@unionlib) March 17, 2020
https://twitter.com/nicktolhurst/status/1239908400231841793?s=20
Lets get a couple of things straight here: 1. No one should be platforming Stanley Johnson in relation to the current crisis, he's got nothing to say about it and no views that anyone needs to hear. 2. Don't listen to him, he's a chronic moron.#Corvid19uk pic.twitter.com/uDjfZsHGVp — Mark Mcvitie (@MarkMcvitie) March 17, 2020
To conclude, this.
Today on ITV’s This Morning Show? Vanessa Feltz and Stanley Johnson offering coronavirus advice. We’re fucked, aren’t we? — Rachael Swindon #UTFC (@Rachael_Swindon) March 17, 2020
READ MORE
Boris Johnson doesn’t want us to go to the pub but won’t close them – only 5 reactions you need


thepoke--2020-03-17--For this employee, National Employee Appreciation Day had a brutal plot twist

There was a thing in America called National Employee Appreciation Day earlier this month and we can ’ t wait @ @ @ @ @ , we really can ’ t .
Well , not more than a few hundred @ @ @ @ @ , it didn ’ t end well for @ CorruptedTacos who shared the message they @ @ @ @ @ Twitter because , well , have a read for yourself .
Bad day at work @ @ @ @ @ you could work here

Twitter
There was a thing in America called National Employee Appreciation Day earlier this month and we can’t wait for it to come here, we really can’t. Well, not more than a few hundred years at least.
Anyway, it didn’t end well for @CorruptedTacos who shared the message they received from their employer on Twitter because, well, have a read for yourself.
Incentivised enough?
Just found out all employees got this email what a blow up — Shin Coryuken ➡⬇↘🅱🅿 (@CorruptedTacos) March 6, 2020
Employees can have 0 dollars, as a treat — Swamp monster trying her best (@Laelitiaa) March 6, 2020
Thanks corporate America — Aki ✧･ﾟ: * ฅ(ↀᴥↀ) (@AutumnKoneko) March 6, 2020
I shouldn’t be laughing this hard oh my god i’m so sorry lmfaoooo — 👁_👁 (@T_Quiqly) March 6, 2020
READ MORE
Bad day at work? Could be worse, you could work here
Source Twitter @CorruptedTacos


thepoke--2020-03-17--Billy Connolly on why ‘fuck off’ is so great is a fucking great watch

This is a brilliant watch , the great Billy Connolly on why he likes ‘ fuck off ’ so much @ @ @ @ @ on Twitter .
20 of our favourite Billy Connolly quotes and jokes

Videos
This is a brilliant watch, the great Billy Connolly on why he likes ‘fuck off’ so much, shared by @1StevieKilner on Twitter.
Fucking great.
Very few people swear anywhere near as well as Billy does.
In fact, he's got to be the best swearer the world have ever seen.
FUCKING legend. — All about Steve (@1StevieKilner) March 6, 2020
Fuck off!
READ MORE
20 of our favourite Billy Connolly quotes and jokes
Source Twitter @1StevieKilner


thepoke--2020-03-17--‘One of the best responses to “coronavirus won’t kill me why should I care?” I’ve seen yet’

‘ One of the best responses to a “ CoRoNa WoNt kIlL mE So WhY sHoUlD i CaRe ?
?
@ @ @ @ @ , ’ says _ZR_ over on Reddit .
‘ ” It ’ s not really @ @ @ @ @ Nothing is.
” Damn , talk about putting the final nail in the coffin.
’ @ @ @ @ @ not even the guy who got murdered but that statement made ME feel like the @ @ @

‘One of the best responses to a “CoRoNa WoNt kIlL mE So WhY sHoUlD i CaRe??” comment Ive seen yet,’ says _ZR_ over on Reddit.
Beautifully done.
‘”It’s not really about YOU at all. Nothing is.” Damn, talk about putting the final nail in the coffin.’ MrTomDawson
‘I’m not even the guy who got murdered but that statement made ME feel like the asshole.’ Orphan_Babies


thepoke--2020-03-17--‘What women want 1956 – 2008’

‘What women want 1956 – 2008’

Graphic of the week is this , ‘ What women want ’ , which purports to show the varying import @ @ @ @ @ attributes in a potential partner .
If anyone ’ s got the same for men @ @ @ @ @ just a few of the things people said after it was shared on Reddit .
@ @ @ @ @ you were dumb and ugly you were doing okay.
’ straight-lampin ‘ Most extreme changes @ @ @ @ @ refinement/neatness , education/intelligence , mutual attraction/love and good looks.
’ Claudia96 ‘ Hey look !
@ @ @ @ @ ’ PuddnheadAZ The Daily Mail told women how their homes are repelling men – our @ @

Pics
Graphic of the week is this, ‘What women want’, which purports to show the varying import women gave to various different attributes in a potential partner.
If anyone’s got the same for men, do share.
And just a few of the things people said after it was shared on Reddit.
‘Man in 1956 if you were dumb and ugly you were doing okay.’ straight-lampin ‘Most extreme changes are chastity, sociability, refinement/neatness, education/intelligence, mutual attraction/love and good looks.’ Claudia96 ‘Hey look! Cleanliness IS next to godliness.’ PuddnheadAZ
READ MORE
The Daily Mail told women how their homes are repelling men – our favourite takedowns
Source Reddit u/theimpossiblesalad


thepoke--2020-03-17--One side effect of coronavirus is major burns … Just ask Eric Prydz

One ( probably ) unexpected side effect of coronavirus is the major burns being suffered by some people online .
@ @ @ @ @ ( you remember Call Me back in 2004 ?
Of course you do ) .
@ @ @ @ @ ericprydz who reckoned he knew exactly what to do about this coronavirus business .
We @ @ @ @ @ contact his doctor for that burn , but they ’ ve got enough on their @ @ @ @ @ d think before they post these things , they ’ d check credentials to see @ @ @ @ @ to in case the person might actually know their shit.
’ BennoTM ‘ That would @ @ @ @ @ put in to the original brain fart they tweeted.
’ Casual_Badass ‘ When you receive @ @ @ @ @ start to think that you shit gold and can never be wrong.
’ Dyna_Sean Burn @ @ @ @ @ this one , another one )

Twitter
One (probably) unexpected side effect of coronavirus is the major burns being suffered by some people online.
Just ask musician Eric Prydz (you remember Call Me back in 2004? Of course you do).
Anyway, over to @ericprydz who reckoned he knew exactly what to do about this coronavirus business.
We’d suggest he should contact his doctor for that burn, but they’ve got enough on their hands.
‘You’d think before they post these things, they’d check credentials to see who they’re talking to in case the person might actually know their shit.’ BennoTM ‘That would involve more research than was put in to the original brain fart they tweeted.’ Casual_Badass ‘When you receive endless praise, you eventually start to think that you shit gold and can never be wrong.’ Dyna_Sean
READ MORE
Burn of the week (not this one, another one)
Source Reddit u/Good4Josh2


thepoke--2020-03-17--This weird 3-star review of a vegan bakery got the perfect 5-star response

There ’ s a subReddit called Insane People on Facebook and this is a classic of the genre , a @ @ @ @ @ bakery that went like this .
And if that wasn ’ t good ( weird @ @ @ @ @ another review for the same bakery , a 5-star take which really rose to the @ @ @ @ @ of the video with the toaster possessed by satan .
It shoots flames out and @ @ @ @ @ the lady is asked “ so why don ’ t you throw it out ?
@ @ @ @ @ because it makes damn good toast !
” I feel like that reasoning applies here @ @ @ @ @ , what ?
Here you go ( watch until the end ) … This restaurant @ @ @ @ @ guy ’ s one-star review after if refused to put parmesan on his fish dish @ @ @

Pics
There’s a subReddit called Insane People on Facebook and this is a classic of the genre, a weird 3-star review of a bakery that went like this.
And if that wasn’t good (weird) enough, it prompted another review for the same bakery, a 5-star take which really rose to the occasion.
Beautifully done.
‘This reminds of the video with the toaster possessed by satan. It shoots flames out and everything and at the end the lady is asked “so why don’t you throw it out?” And she says “because it makes damn good toast!” I feel like that reasoning applies here too!’ bttrflyr
Wait, what? Here you go (watch until the end) …
READ MORE
This restaurant’s takedown of a guy’s one-star review after if refused to put parmesan on his fish dish is simply delicious
Source Reddit u/TheEmpireBuisness


thepoke--2020-03-17--Ironic Tinder exchange of the week

Ironic Tinder exchange of the week

We didn ’ t see this coming .
You might , though .
‘ I see what she did their.
@ @

Popular
We didn’t see this coming. You might, though.
‘I see what she did their.’ MongolianCluster
READ MORE
Simply 12 very funny Tinder exchanges
Source Reddit u/wbroun77


thepoke--2020-03-17--This takedown is very brutal and very NSFW

Stanley Johnson 's ignoring his son the PM 's advice and going to the pub anyway - only 5 responses @ @

Popular
Totally brutal and more than a bit NSFW (don’t say we didn’t warn you).
Oof.
READ MORE
Clever comeback of the week
Source Reddit u/GoGoGadgetDick95


thepoke--2020-03-18--Our 18 favourite funny takes on the latest coronavirus news

With rolling 24-hour news , daily updates from the government , and Maureen on Facebook ’ s hot takes about @ @ @ @ @ of 5G , it ’ s no wonder that we ’ re all coronavirus-obsessed .
@ @ @ @ @ feeds in a nightmare , social media processes it into jokes – and here are @ @ @

Twitter
With rolling 24-hour news, daily updates from the government, and Maureen on Facebook’s hot takes about suspicious-looking Russians and the spread of 5G, it’s no wonder that we’re all coronavirus-obsessed.
Luckily, although the media feeds in a nightmare, social media processes it into jokes – and here are our favourites.
1.
Omg I love my new snake skin gloves, oh wait that’s just my new hand skin washing them 17,000 times a day. — Jonathan Van Ness (@jvn) March 17, 2020
2.
You realize how isolated you have been when a world pandemic happens and you need to make almost zero changes to your lifestyle — Bruno Lemos (@brunolemos) March 14, 2020
3.
The government is telling people not to travel, go to theatres, cinemas, pubs or clubs. Got to be honest, it hurts that during a worsening pandemic it's seen as extreme measures to tell people to adopt my normal routine. — James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 16, 2020
4.
‘Government plan puts one million pub, bar and restaurant jobs at risk’ say experts, but on the other hand insurance companies will be ok, so swings and roundabouts. — Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) March 17, 2020
5.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don't know what to do about her. — Molly Tolsky (@mollytolsky) March 16, 2020
6.
Obviously, however long the quarantine, however great the temptation, however desperate the urge, please don’t write a novel about it. — Stig Abell (@StigAbell) March 17, 2020
7.
Top Tip For Self-Isolation:
When several people are living in the same house, try to stay apart as much as possible by spreading yourselves between the lounge, dining room, great hall, drawing room, library, billiard room, etc.#StayHomeChallenge #ResignBorisJohnson — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) March 17, 2020
8.
Make washing your hands more exciting by pretending they are two giant octopuses wrestling each other to the death (while you sing happy birthday to them). — Moose Allain Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) March 17, 2020
9.


thepoke--2020-03-18--Someone mansplained space to this astronaut and the takedown was out of this world

Here ’ s NASA Astronaut Jessica Meir telling her Twitter followers about her first venture out into the space equivalent @ @ @ @ @ space but might as well be , in terms of the effect it has on @ @ @ @ @ Twitter , there was a man on hand to correct her and , well , @ @ @ @ @ was out of this world .
Or , in the words of cypherpt2 on Reddit @ @ @ @ @ day !
” Jessica is currently resident on the International Space Station .
You can @ @ @ @ @ .
The last moments of this rover sent to Mars are getting people all teary-eyed

Pics
Here’s NASA Astronaut Jessica Meir telling her Twitter followers about her first venture out into the space equivalent zone which isn’t space but might as well be, in terms of the effect it has on your body.
My first venture >63,000', the space equivalent zone, where water spontaneously boils! Luckily I'm suited! pic.twitter.com/0zB5Ku5Tdy — Jessica Meir (@Astro_Jessica) September 9, 2016
This being Twitter, there was a man on hand to correct her and, well, the takedown when it comes was out of this world.
Boom!
Jessica is currently resident on the International Space Station. You can follow her on Twitter here.
READ MORE
The last moments of this rover sent to Mars are getting people all teary-eyed
Source Reddit u/cypherpt2 Image Twitter


thepoke--2020-03-18--This newspaper’s got all the latest sporting news from around the world

There ’ s not a lot of sport going on right now as a result of coronavirus .
And this @ @ @ @ @ page totally nails it .
My local newspaper has jokes … ’ writes Televsion over @ @ @ @ @ of the best responses to “ coronavirus won ’ t kill me why should I @ @ @ @ @ ve seen yet ’

Pics
There’s not a lot of sport going on right now as a result of coronavirus. And this local newspaper’s back page totally nails it.
My local newspaper has jokes …’ writes Televsion over on Reddit.
And our favourite comment.
‘Finally! More tissue paper!’ NIQUARIOUS
READ MORE
‘One of the best responses to “coronavirus won’t kill me why should I care?” I’ve seen yet’
Source Reddit u/Televsion


thepoke--2020-03-18--Someone suggested people really want to see the Queen, but – well, they don’t

People are really rallying around to try and boost the morale of their fellow self-isolators – if that ’ s not an oxymoron .
They ’ re sharing jokes , live-broadcasting performances and singing out of windows – although that last one might not be as uplifting as you ’ d think , depending on the song or the singer .
A professional tenor singing Nessun Dorma on an Italian balcony is very different to Karen out the back singing Baby Shark for three hours straight .
Author and Political Editor of The Times , Tim Shipman , had his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
He makes a good point .
Most of us wake up in the morning , check in on the virus stats , see if we ’ ve still got a job and say “ I wish I could see Her Maj. ” These reactions say it far more eloquently than we ever could .
Writer Tom Jamieson had a point to make about the Queen .
Looks like that ’ s the plan .
Is it considered a coronavirus risk to kiss the monarch ’ s arse ?
Boris Johnson just gave @ @ @ @ @ @ @ entirely unimpressed responses

Twitter
People are really rallying around to try and boost the morale of their fellow self-isolators – if that’s not an oxymoron.
They’re sharing jokes, live-broadcasting performances and singing out of windows – although that last one might not be as uplifting as you’d think, depending on the song or the singer. A professional tenor singing Nessun Dorma on an Italian balcony is very different to Karen out the back singing Baby Shark for three hours straight.
Author and Political Editor of The Times, Tim Shipman, had his own idea of what might raise morale.
I think the one person the nation probably would like to hear from is the Queen — Tim Shipman (@ShippersUnbound) March 17, 2020
He makes a good point. Most of us wake up in the morning, check in on the virus stats, see if we’ve still got a job and say “I wish I could see Her Maj.”
These reactions say it far more eloquently than we ever could.
1.
RT if you’d rather hear from Cher. https://t.co/KVo8ktLxSx — Adam Kay (@amateuradam) March 17, 2020
2.
Unless she's managed to whip up a vaccine in her spare time or plans to donate some of her wealth to help people whose livelihoods just disappeared, I couldn't give a rat's perineum what she has to say. https://t.co/71e94uPgrs — Nick Pettigrew (@Nick_Pettigrew) March 17, 2020
3.
Grovel, grovel, flatter … knighthood welcome … unctuous … scrape … bow. https://t.co/B3XLgXJlbR — Grouse Beater (@Grouse_Beater) March 17, 2020
4.
When you self-isolate so hard you enter a different dimension https://t.co/GKRk9qLreh — Vinay Patel (@VinayPatel) March 17, 2020
5.
6.
Why? Why the fuck would you think that? — 🏳🌈 Max 🏳🌈 (@SpillerOfTea) March 17, 2020
7.
I was just thinking when this forelock tugging fuckery would raise its head. We're seen plenty of the "spirit of the blitz" pish but the "We need the Queen to lead us through this crisis" wabbery has been sorely absent https://t.co/22rkMwouMR — Jim (@Barcajim3) March 17, 2020
8.
World renowned scientists, virologists, biologists, yes please… a foosty old wummin in a diamond encrusted hat sitting at a golden piano, not so much. — Gillian🦄 #CyberMidge 🏴 (@GillianSproule) March 17, 2020
Writer Tom Jamieson had a point to make about the Queen.
She’s 93, get her on the sofa in her leisure crown with a box set of Bergerac & a couple of gins and leave her the fuck alone https://t.co/k1RBFOtHAI — tom jamieson (@jamiesont) March 17, 2020
Looks like that’s the plan.
As always an example to the nation: God save the Queen https://t.co/N7egXeDzXD — Jacob Rees-Mogg (@Jacob_Rees_Mogg) March 17, 2020
Is it considered a coronavirus risk to kiss the monarch’s arse?
READ MORE
Boris Johnson just gave his first daily coronavirus update – 17 entirely unimpressed responses
Source Tim Shipman Image The Telegraph, Graham Norton Show


thepoke--2020-03-18--This tale of 2 people fighting over the last toilet roll has a very pleasing plot twist

This take of toilet roll stockpiling , American style , has a very pleasing plot twist .
‘ Genuinely made @ @ @ @ @ makeucryalot over on Reddit .
And we liked this comment which is totally on the @ @ @ @ @ point in history and this story sounds like the rantings of a lunatic.
’ bruteski226 @ @ @ @ @ down by the great toilet roll shortage – just read these 19 funny takes

Popular
This tale of toilet roll stockpiling, American style, has a very pleasing plot twist.
‘Genuinely made me smile,’ says makeucryalot over on Reddit.
And we liked this comment which is totally on the button.
‘Any other point in history and this story sounds like the rantings of a lunatic.’ bruteski226
READ MORE
Don’t get bogged down by the great toilet roll shortage – just read these 19 funny takes
Source Reddit u/makeucryalot


thepoke--2020-03-18--This joke was made all the better by so many people not getting it

Sometimes a good joke becomes a very good joke thanks to all the people lining up not to get it @ @ @ @ @ classic case in point .
Just take a look at all these .
Well , @ @ @ @ @ And apologies to anyone who was on in the joke and it just doesn ’ @ @ @ @ @ 15 times when someone not getting the joke was as funny as the original joke

Twitter
Sometimes a good joke becomes a very good joke thanks to all the people lining up not to get it.
And this is a classic case in point.
In breaking news moments like this, there should be a type of podcast you can listen to in real time, easily accessible for free. — Jody Avirgan (@jodyavirgan) 4 March 2020
Just take a look at all these.
You are describing radio, BTW — tyson brown (@mtysonbro) March 4, 2020
Wouldn’t that just be a radio station? — Misplaced Sidekick (@tvsheaha) March 4, 2020
That's called radio. — Luís Martins (@lfmartins) March 6, 2020
There is. We call it RADIO. — Scott Foens (@sfoens) March 4, 2020
Well, you get the idea.
‘This reminds me of the tweet where someone said, “Elephants have a noise that says ‘there are bees here, lets leave.’ Humans should have a noise like that.” They do, it sounds like “There are bees here, lets leave.”’ Meed306
And apologies to anyone who was on in the joke and it just doesn’t look like it.
READ MORE
15 times when someone not getting the joke was as funny as the original joke
Source Reddit u/Hailie_G


thepoke--2020-03-18--“Where’s Wally? – The Coronavirus Edition” is a little bit easier than usual

With most affected areas following at least some form of quarantine , normally packed areas are all but deserted .
@ @ @ @ @ “ new edition ” of Where ’ s Wally ?
It ’ s a lot @ @ @ @ @ .
Perfect for when you want to enjoy a puzzle , but don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ had this to say to Wally – or “ Waldo ” , because they ’ @ @ @ @ @ with a Where ’ s Wally book is a work of evil genius

Pics
With most affected areas following at least some form of quarantine, normally packed areas are all but deserted.
Picture of Pope walking deserted streets of Rome today to pray at a famous crucifix, said to have saved Romans from the 1522 plague. Vatican Media pic pic.twitter.com/DRDvgBrpM3 — Delia Gallagher (@deliacnn) March 15, 2020
The phenomenon has inspired this “new edition” of Where’s Wally? It’s a lot easier than it usually is.
Perfect for when you want to enjoy a puzzle, but don’t have much time.
Here’s how Redditors responded to u/SalazerRED‘s post.
Someone had this to say to Wally – or “Waldo”, because they’re American.
Excellent advice.
READ MORE
This prank with a Where’s Wally book is a work of evil genius
Source r/Funny Image r/Funny


thepoke--2020-03-18--Not everywhere can handle Italian-style community singing – the Daily Show proved it

Like the rest of us , the Daily Show ’ s Trevor Noah saw the many clips of quarantined Italians @ @ @ @ @ and he was inspired .
Unlike the rest of us , however , he decided @ @ @ @ @ in his neighbourhood – which happens to be New York .
That ’ s pretty @ @ @ @ @ to go , to be fair .
One person thought the reaction would be the @ @ @ @ @ may have a point .
The Daily Show compared Fox News with Korean State TV @ @ @ @ @ ‘ spot the difference ’

Videos
Like the rest of us, the Daily Show’s Trevor Noah saw the many clips of quarantined Italians singing their hearts out, and he was inspired.
Unlike the rest of us, however, he decided to give it a go in his neighbourhood – which happens to be New York.
That’s pretty much how we expected it to go, to be fair.
One person thought the reaction would be the same in Germany.
They may have a point.
READ MORE
The Daily Show compared Fox News with Korean State TV and it’s basically ‘spot the difference’
Source The Daily Show Image The Daily Show


thepoke--2020-03-18--Question Time is temporarily ditching the audience – 7 biting responses

With the experts now advising people to avoid all non-essential contact with others , the BBC ’ s political panel @ @ @ @ @ decided it couldn ’ t risk the health of its audience – presumably because half @ @ @ @ @ marches coming up .
Here ’ s how they made the announcement .
Having been @ @ @ @ @ , for the partisan nature of the audience , it wasn ’ t exactly devastating @ @ @ @ @ course , the usually mobile programme will broadcast from one location , now that it @ @ @ @ @ an audience .
Empire editor , Chris Hewitt pointed out why the lack of fresh @ @ @ @ @ t matter .
The look on the guy ’ s face next to the ranting @ @ @ @ @ perfect

Twitter
With the experts now advising people to avoid all non-essential contact with others, the BBC’s political panel show, Question Time, decided it couldn’t risk the health of its audience – presumably because half of them have important EDL marches coming up.
Here’s how they made the announcement.
Question Time will continue without studio audience during coronavirus outbreakhttps://t.co/QlU3eX7fiR — BBC Politics (@BBCPolitics) March 17, 2020
Having been receiving increasing criticism, recently, for the partisan nature of the audience, it wasn’t exactly devastating to the public.
1.
Not a great sign when a pandemic actually improves your show pic.twitter.com/U06kCclaqg — James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 17, 2020
2.
The word ‘lose’ is doing a fucking huge amount of heavy lifting here. pic.twitter.com/q3r2dsArwL — 🏳🌈 Max 🏳🌈 (@SpillerOfTea) March 17, 2020
3.
Next week: No panel
The week after: A dishevelled Fiona Bruce, in her darkened home, wordlessly cleaning her fingernails with a kitchen knife. https://t.co/KjTiUczxm0 — Andrew R (@ExcelPope) March 17, 2020
4.
Even far right gatherings are being shut down https://t.co/57hOfoMxKQ — Ed Poole (@edwardpoole1975) March 17, 2020
5.
All we need to do now is get rid of the panellists and the host and we've cracked it. https://t.co/jYLNb92SBK — Nick Pettigrew (@Nick_Pettigrew) March 17, 2020
6.
"Okay, our first question on the telephone, we have Tommy R from Luton, Tommy, what's your question?" "Hi Fiona, I was just wanted to ask the panel if we should bring in the army to shoot foreigners and communists?" https://t.co/H9hLBXFr1l — Jack Saundrs ❤🖤 (@jack_saundrs) March 17, 2020
7.
The only genuine coronavirus upside I can think of is that by as early as next week, BBC Question Time could be audience free. — Tom Peck (@tompeck) March 16, 2020
Of course, the usually mobile programme will broadcast from one location, now that it has no need to host an audience.
Apparently #bbcquestiontime is looking for a permanent home during the crisis. Obviously it should be broadcast from #cchq you know, cut out the interfering plebs who obfuscate the message. — Dean Williamson (@ButchTwizzles) March 17, 2020
Empire editor, Chris Hewitt pointed out why the lack of fresh audience members probably won’t matter.
I would have assumed they'd stockpiled enough gammon to last the next few months. https://t.co/Ni6kwDXS94 — Chris Hewitt (@ChrisHewitt) March 17, 2020
READ MORE
The look on the guy’s face next to the ranting Question Time woman was just perfect
Source BBC Politics Image Question Time


thepoke--2020-03-18--Bob Mortimer and Matt Berry took Train Guy straight off the rails

It ’ s a special treat when Bob Mortimer posts one of his superbly cringeworthy Train Guy sketches , with @ @ @ @ @ air , as he chats to Col about Geoff Linton .
What we ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ of the team – until now .
Not only have we got a glimpse of @ @ @ @ @ it turns out he ’ s voiced by comedy legend , Matt Berry .
Could @ @ @ @ @ Dick ?
Of course , Col got to hear the upshot of their conversation .
@ @ @ @ @ better be to announce that Dick , Geoff and Col are the new cabinet .
@ @ @ @ @ Train Guy might be his best yet

Twitter
It’s a special treat when Bob Mortimer posts one of his superbly cringeworthy Train Guy sketches, with his all-too-realistic business-speak and entitled air, as he chats to Col about Geoff Linton.
What we’ve never seen is another one of the team – until now. Not only have we got a glimpse of the Geoff Linton, but it turns out he’s voiced by comedy legend, Matt Berry.
Train Guy .. Geoff Linton virtual F2F pic.twitter.com/B4lL1oo77y — bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) March 17, 2020
Could Train Guy really be called Dick? Of course, Col got to hear the upshot of their conversation.
Train Guy… Phil Collins Tickets pic.twitter.com/CeMLzVJptl — bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) March 17, 2020
The revelation blew people away.
GEOFF LINTON’S IDENTITY IS REVEALED!
Matt Berry taking things to the next level. And is Train Guy now revealed to be named Dick, or is he just calling him a dick?
This story has legs. https://t.co/7zNia89FNV — Michael MacLeod (@MichaelMacLeod1) March 17, 2020
The disintegrating fabric of our society is being held together by Bob Mortimer, and Bob Mortimer alone. https://t.co/Eav4sFd8tg — herd immunity for our time (@misslucyp) March 17, 2020
Train Guy is my absolute favourite thing on Twitter right now… 😂 https://t.co/wSAREmkpWH — Jona Sewell (@WanderingRev) March 17, 2020
BBC Sports Correspondent Natalie Pirks posted a deep and meaningful truth.
A series is needed. These are desperate times and only Train Guy, Col and Geoff Linton can get us through. https://t.co/7v8p9neiZc — Natalie Pirks (@Natpirks) March 17, 2020
The next government update had better be to announce that Dick, Geoff and Col are the new cabinet.
READ MORE
Bob Mortimer’s latest Train Guy might be his best yet
Source Bob Mortimer Image Bob Mortimer @chrisyangchrisfilm on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-03-18--The only 5 reactions you need to Boris Johnson’s new “war cabinet”

As the Covid-19 crisis shows no sign of letting up , in most countries at least , Boris Johnson has @ @ @ @ @ expert ministers to focus its attention on developing strategies to beat the virus and save @ @ @ @ @ cabinet is usually cross-party , but that ’ s not the Tory way , as @ @ @ @ @ Apart from almost naming itself after C18 , the notorious neo-Nazi organisation , it seems @ @ @ @ @ we ’ d have hoped .
The announcement didn ’ t exactly cause a collective @ @ @ @ @ and author , Dean Burnett , suggested a call to arms they might like to @ @ @ @ @ s ignoring his son the PM ’ s advice and going to the pub anyway @ @ @ @ @ need

News
As the Covid-19 crisis shows no sign of letting up, in most countries at least, Boris Johnson has assembled a crack team of expert ministers to focus its attention on developing strategies to beat the virus and save the economy.
Kind of …
Boris Johnson has set up a five-strong war Cabinet to fight coronavirus. Meets daily, chaired by him, made up by Rishi Sunak, Matt Hancock, Michael Gove and Dominic Raab, plus officials. To be known as ‘C-19’. pic.twitter.com/yMfyVrducU — Tom Newton Dunn (@tnewtondunn) March 17, 2020
A war cabinet is usually cross-party, but that’s not the Tory way, as we saw with Brexit. Apart from almost naming itself after C18, the notorious neo-Nazi organisation, it seems a lot less remarkable than we’d have hoped.
The announcement didn’t exactly cause a collective sigh of relief.
1.
Jesus fucking wept, I'd feel more confident if he put "Take That" in charge…😳 https://t.co/rOMSurH4ih — Tony T 🇬🇧 🇪🇺 (@shrimptony) March 17, 2020
2.
A yes man
A fuckwit
A coke head
and a bloke who doesn't know what the English channel is, walk into a bar… https://t.co/cE8IiboVDq — Irritated llama (@Irritatedllama) March 17, 2020
3.
Ah, the plot of that classic Enid Blyton book, ‘Five totally fuck things up’ https://t.co/wsnvFLLPfA — Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) March 17, 2020
4.
Now I know what the ‘c’ stands for. https://t.co/ryqXaV0yUR — Mr Roger Quimbly (@RogerQuimbly) March 17, 2020
5.
The 5 horsemen of the crapocalypse. https://t.co/rdvNV6vOE8 — Snow (@Lookinupatstars) March 17, 2020
Neuroscientist and author, Dean Burnett, suggested a call to arms they might like to adopt.
Perhaps not.
READ MORE
Stanley Johnson’s ignoring his son the PM’s advice and going to the pub anyway – only 5 responses you need
Source Tom Newton Dunn Image Wikipedia Fair use


thepoke--2020-03-18--Piers Morgan defended Donald Trump calling coronavirus ‘Chinese Virus’ and the internet was happy to

Piers Morgan defended Donald Trump calling coronavirus ‘Chinese Virus’ and the internet was happy to put him right

Here ’ s Piers Morgan defending his pal Donald Trump ’ s use of the phrase ‘ Chinese Virus ’ @ @ @ @ @ like Morgan to take the contrary position .
Anyway , there were lots of people @ @ @ @ @ to answer his question .
That ’ s not to say that Morgan wasn ’ @ @ @ @ @ Simultaneously making everyone else ’ s point for them , you might think .
Donald @ @ @ @ @ the ‘ Chinese virus ’ seriously – only 4 replies you need

Twitter
Here’s Piers Morgan defending his pal Donald Trump’s use of the phrase ‘Chinese Virus’ to describe coronavirus.
Seeing a lot of liberals & media getting very agitated by President Trump calling it the 'Chinese Virus'.
Yet everyone calls the last similar global pandemic 'Spanish Flu.'
What's the difference? — Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) March 18, 2020
Not like Morgan to take the contrary position. Anyway, there were lots of people on Twitter willing and able to help him out. Here are our favourites.
The difference is that coronavirus has become the accepted term and "Chinese Virus" is a manufactured term designed specifically to play on nationalism and bigotry. — COVID-DOOMERDAN (@kronstadtkool) March 18, 2020
Because it was never called Chinese Virus by anyone until they needed to deflect from their own incompetence. — Craig (@craigvn) March 18, 2020
About 100 years. Oh, and the fact that Spanish Flu didn’t originate in Spain it was merely reported there first because Spain wasn’t under World War One censorship. You’re welcome. https://t.co/5lXz9TJ3u5 — Gavin Esler (@gavinesler) March 18, 2020
Here’s your answer. Make a list of words & phrases that were acceptable in 1920 and aren’t acceptable now, read them out on air, and then see how long it takes you to get fired. — (@KirstieMAllsopp) March 18, 2020
So do we still call it Spanish Flu? I’m confused. — Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) March 18, 2020
Piers I hate it when you pretend to be confused about something you’re not at all confused about. You’re too bright, too liberal and too well followed to indulge in this type of thing. — (@KirstieMAllsopp) March 18, 2020
And I hate it when you’re so patronising. If we’re still going to use ‘Spanish Flu’ for the 1918 pandemic I see no problem in calling this Chinese Flu. — Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) March 18, 2020
Calling it Chinese Flu could lead to xenophobic and racists attacks on people of Asian of origin. Trump is calling it that because he wants to be able to pin the “blame” on someone else. It’s a disgusting things to do. If you don’t want to be patronised don’t be an arse. — (@KirstieMAllsopp) March 18, 2020
That’s not to say that Morgan wasn’t without his supporters.
They started it! Fcuk em’ and everyone else who’s ‘offended’ by it! — R1CHJB (@R1CHJB) March 18, 2020
Simultaneously making everyone else’s point for them, you might think.
READ MORE
Donald Trump said he always took the ‘Chinese virus’ seriously – only 4 replies you need


thepoke--2020-03-18--This ‘conservative woman’ is refusing to ‘cower like a dog in a kennel’ (AKA self-isolate) – only 5

This ‘conservative woman’ is refusing to ‘cower like a dog in a kennel’ (AKA self-isolate) – only 5 replies you need

As the country and the world tries to get to grips with coronavirus , one thing we can all do to help is self-isolate as soon as we – or a member of our family – shows symptoms of coronavirus .
Not everyone ’ s keen on doing it though , especially someone called Laura Perrins who , it says here , is a former barrister and co-editor of The Conservative Woman .
To save you the trouble of reading what she wrote , here ’ s a bit of it .
‘ If you want to know what a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like , mark 2020 in your calendar .
‘ But people will die , I hear you shout .
We all die .
We are not entitled to immortality .
I ’ ll take my chances , as I ’ d rather die as a freeborn citizen doing the things that freeborn citizens do , than cower like a dog in a kennel because the Government has ordered me to do so .
I won ’ t do it .
‘ It is coming up to 80 years since the Blitz and I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back .
Is this really what the British public did in 1940 – squabble over toilet paper and stop going to the pub , when actual bombs were falling on their actual heads ?
Is this what British manhood did – say yes , Mr Prime Minister , whatever you say Mr Prime Minister , I ’ ll hide in my bedroom for 14 days because I have a cough ?
Or did they get on the boats and bring those soldiers back from Dunkirk ?
’ Well , you get the idea @ @ @ @ @ @ @ responses you need .
Oh , and this .
This Londoner ’ s NSFW take on coronavirus is very funny and totally on-point

Twitter
As the country and the world tries to get to grips with coronavirus, one thing we can all do to help is self-isolate as soon as we – or a member of our family – shows symptoms of coronavirus.
Not everyone’s keen on doing it though, especially someone called Laura Perrins who, it says here, is a former barrister and co-editor of The Conservative Woman.
I’d rather die as a freeborn citizen doing the things that freeborn citizens do, than cower like a dog in a kennel because the Government has ordered me to do so. I won’t do it. https://t.co/Snb0uFNeSZ via @theconwom — Laura Perrins (@LPerrins) March 18, 2020
To save you the trouble of reading what she wrote, here’s a bit of it.
‘If you want to know what a Godless, meek and weak society looks like, mark 2020 in your calendar. ‘But people will die, I hear you shout. We all die. We are not entitled to immortality. I’ll take my chances, as I’d rather die as a freeborn citizen doing the things that freeborn citizens do, than cower like a dog in a kennel because the Government has ordered me to do so. I won’t do it. ‘It is coming up to 80 years since the Blitz and I keep hearing the Blitz spirit is coming back. Is this really what the British public did in 1940 – squabble over toilet paper and stop going to the pub, when actual bombs were falling on their actual heads? Is this what British manhood did – say yes, Mr Prime Minister, whatever you say Mr Prime Minister, I’ll hide in my bedroom for 14 days because I have a cough? Or did they get on the boats and bring those soldiers back from Dunkirk?’
Well, you get the idea. And these are the only 5 responses you need.
Laura, I'm trying to rein in my natural propensity to call people out but this is quite frankly the stupidest thing I've ever seen you write. It's also very, very dangerous and irresponsible. You have a family I believe and you will also be putting them and others at risk. — Otto English (@Otto_English) March 18, 2020
You really wrote the words "RIP Europe" over washing your hands and staying inside for a bit lmao — 👏🧼👍 k a t i e 👏🧼👍 (@supermathskid) March 18, 2020
What the hell is wrong with you? Stay safe and I hope nobody you care about comes to any harm. And if you become symptomatic, stay away from the rest of us. — Emma Kennedy (@EmmaKennedy) March 18, 2020
You're young and healthy. You'll be fine. What you mean is that you'd rather pass the virus on to other people who might die rather than be a bit inconvenienced for a while. — James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 18, 2020
Oh, and this.
Selfish conservative!? Who knew — Jack Duncan🌹 (@JackDunc1) March 18, 2020
READ MORE
This Londoner’s NSFW take on coronavirus is very funny and totally on-point
Source @LPerrins


thepoke--2020-03-18--This Londoner’s NSFW take on coronavirus is very funny and totally on-point

If NHS videos were directed by Guy Ritchie , they might look a tiny bit like this , a Londoner @ @ @ @ @ and people ’ s reaction to it that was both funny and right .
It @ @ @ @ @ – after it was shared by @ DrJamesKent3 on Twitter and here are just a @ @ @ @ @ were saying about it .
Simply 9 funny pictures about stockpiling and self-isolation to make @ @ @

Videos
If NHS videos were directed by Guy Ritchie, they might look a tiny bit like this, a Londoner’s take on coronavirus and people’s reaction to it that was both funny and right.
An elderly Londoner lady, speaks out about corona:
Warning: Her lingua franca is arguably, a tad exotic. pic.twitter.com/HdDQgVPqPX — Dr James Kent (@DrJamesKent3) March 16, 2020
It went viral – very viral – after it was shared by @DrJamesKent3 on Twitter and here are just a few of the things people were saying about it.
I’m not sure how you got footage of my Nan but I’m glad others are benefitting from her wisdom — Debenhams Woodbridge-Brock (@Wessex_Gent) March 17, 2020
That was an official statement by the Peckham and Camberwell Health Authority. — Matov (@BrexitMatov) March 16, 2020
There’s omething about older london ladies saying the word ‘Facking’ or ‘Fakkin’ — scatpep (@scatpep54) March 16, 2020
She’s brilliant 😂 and right — diddles (@diddlywiddly) March 16, 2020
READ MORE
Simply 9 funny pictures about stockpiling and self-isolation to make your day better
Source @DrJamesKent3


thepoke--2020-03-18--A mum asked for help after she had to cancel her 5 y/o’s birthday party and the response will warm y

A mum asked for help after she had to cancel her 5 y/o’s birthday party and the response will warm your heart

This is exactly the sort of content we could do with right now .
Mum Sara Lodge asked for help @ @ @ @ @ she had to cancel her 5-year-old daughter ’ s birthday party .
And people responded @ @ @ @ @ ’ s just a selection of the replies she got and it ’ s truly @ @ @ @ @ was Sara ’ s message to everyone who replied .
This incredible flash mob playing @ @ @ @ @ Joy will give you feelings

Twitter
This is exactly the sort of content we could do with right now. Mum Sara Lodge asked for help on Twitter after coronavirus meant she had to cancel her 5-year-old daughter’s birthday party.
Twitter, I have a request. It’s my daughter, Rosie’s 5th birthday tomorrow. But my partner has a fever, so we have to self-quarantine for 2 weeks. Her party is cancelled and grandparents barred. Could you send her some pics of your dogs (or animals generally) to cheer her up? — Dr Sara Lodge (@LearNonsense) March 17, 2020
And people responded in their droves. Here’s just a selection of the replies she got and it’s truly heartwarming stuff.
Here you go cuties ❤❤❤ pic.twitter.com/K54RpPrhnG — Meg Newshound (@MegsNewshound) March 17, 2020
This is, says Rosie, the very best thing that has happened to her: ‘a REAL LIVE TALKING DOG!!!!’ She watches Pup Academy and this is real to her. — Dr Sara Lodge (@LearNonsense) March 17, 2020
A special happy birthday Rosie from a special Charli-brown with ❤ pic.twitter.com/eJWG12CAVr — Penny Pupstar & Angel Charli-brown (@mycharlibrown) March 17, 2020
This is our cat, Puck, and he loves to play the piano. Happy birthday Rosie😉🎂 pic.twitter.com/N4qko4B8pw — Brenda J Clayton (@ClaytonhealthJ) March 18, 2020
Here you go Rosie 🐮👍🏻 Happy Birthday from #Sheffield 👋🏻 we supply all our lambs with cow umbrellas 🙌🏻 pic.twitter.com/TGUPJTmWWO — Visit #OurCowMolly 11am – 5pm Wed, Fri, Sat & Sun (@OurCowMolly) March 18, 2020
Hope you have a wonderful 5th birthday Rosie. That makes us the same age.
Love,
Foxy. pic.twitter.com/JftMMuBHAV — Tartan Dragon 🏴 (@tartan_dragon) March 17, 2020
Baby platypus in Fedoras….😁 pic.twitter.com/AizqusKFBx — Marie AuBuchon (@songlibah) March 17, 2020
Joe is sleeping off last year’s birthday 😹🎉🎂😽 pic.twitter.com/SueO9UETth — Frank And Joe (@TheHardyBoyCats) March 17, 2020
For Rosie, here is Pumpkin being very clever and opening the front door. Hope she has a very lovely birthday!! pic.twitter.com/GzLgRzDqGO — Clare (@twirlingteacups) March 17, 2020
Happy birthday from Triscuit! pic.twitter.com/pOi9RC4YC9 — Dan Savage (@fakedansavage) March 17, 2020
And here was Sara’s message to everyone who replied.
Thank you SO much to everyone who sent pictures and good wishes for my little girl’s birthday! We’re overwhelmed by your kindness. The animals have given us hours of fun and made us feel much less alone. I’m sorry I can’t thank/‘like’ you all individually. Twitter, you amaze me! — Dr Sara Lodge (@LearNonsense) March 18, 2020
READ MORE
This incredible flash mob playing Beethoven’s Ode to Joy will give you feelings
Source @LearNonsense


thepoke--2020-03-18--Donald Trump said he always took the ‘Chinese virus’ seriously – only 4 replies you need

That noise you can hear is the sound of so-called president Donald Trump furiously back-pedalling as he tries to save @ @ @ @ @ response to coronavirus ( or ‘ Chinese virus ’ as he likes to call it @ @ @ @ @ , on Twitter , obviously .
And these are the only 4 replies you need @ @ @ @ @ Trump needed a reminder … This American says coronavirus was invented to beat Donald Trump @ @ @ @ @ level stuff

Twitter
That noise you can hear is the sound of so-called president Donald Trump furiously back-pedalling as he tries to save face over his tragically lacklustre response to coronavirus (or ‘Chinese virus’ as he likes to call it).
Here he is, on Twitter, obviously.
I always treated the Chinese Virus very seriously, and have done a very good job from the beginning, including my very early decision to close the “borders” from China – against the wishes of almost all. Many lives were saved. The Fake News new narrative is disgraceful & false! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 18, 2020
And these are the only 4 replies you need.
1.
Coronavirus is just flu, think about it! [9 days later] I always knew this shit was serious, also the virus is Chinese now! pic.twitter.com/5x4whZ4yF8 — James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 18, 2020
2.
Take away the lies & the racism & there is literally nothing left. https://t.co/pPkGyjxXX6 — James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) March 17, 2020
3.
Today, @realdonaldtrump said: “I’ve always known this is a pandemic. I’ve felt that it was a pandemic long before it was called a pandemic … I’ve always viewed it as serious.” Really??? Let’s roll the tape. pic.twitter.com/NpUTzGiokW — John Heilemann (@jheil) March 17, 2020
4.
Trump and the coronavirus: a timelinepic.twitter.com/fTq2ZbgNTf — Stop Trump (@UKStopTrump) March 18, 2020
And just in case Trump needed a reminder …
You know the Internet is forever, don't you? https://t.co/XSPR4um0WN — Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) March 18, 2020
READ MORE
This American says coronavirus was invented to beat Donald Trump and it’s next level stuff


thepoke--2020-03-18--Simply 9 funny pictures about stockpiling and self-isolation to make your day better

Lots of us will be self-isolating right now and some of us , regrettably , will be stockpiling too .
@ @ @ @ @ you feel better about both of them , we hope .
1 .
Experts recommend @ @ @ @ @ while working from home 2 .
Got this big roll of toilet paper as a @ @ @ @ @ Whose laughing now !
?
5 .
This guy in Italy wearing a 1m radial @ @ @ @ @ people 6 .
Got ta love the people in my town This shopper was taking @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s our favourite so far

Pics
Lots of us will be self-isolating right now and some of us, regrettably, will be stockpiling too.
These 9 pictures should make you feel better about both of them, we hope.
1. Experts recommend keeping your daily rituals even while working from home
(via u/czmanix)
2. Got this big roll of toilet paper as a gag gift for Christmas. Whose laughing now!?
(via u/Mikebenitez10)
3. At my local grocery store…
(via u/msisk)
4. Updated Tokyo Olympic Games logo
(via u/elmielmosong)
5. This guy in Italy wearing a 1m radial disc to avoid contact with people
(via u/Sasquatch489)
6. Gotta love the people in my town
(via u/butt-dart)
7. Stay safe out there
(via u/mzkp54)
8. Expectation Failure
(via u/Mister1two)
9. Winner of the worst tasting cereal contest
(via u/hyperbole_is_great)
READ MORE
This shopper was taking no chances with coronavirus and it’s our favourite so far
Source Reddit/funny


‘No words needed’

This 'conservative woman ' is refusing to 'cower like a dog in a kennel ' ( AKA self-isolate ) - @ @ @ @ @

Pics
‘No words needed,’ says Wrathchild17 over on Reddit.
Facepalm or joke? Either way, made us smile.
READ MORE
This guy who’s ‘worried about dating a single mum’ wins facepalm of the week
Source Reddit u/Wrathchild17


thepoke--2020-03-18--This guy who’s ‘worried about dating a single mum’ wins facepalm of the week

And facepalm of the week goes to this chap who started this exchange shared on Reddit by jesslees24 .
‘ @ @ @ @ @ that hard up for company ” is a hell of a dig .
I love @ @ @ @ @ was confused by Chernobyl and wins facepalm of the week

Popular
And facepalm of the week goes to this chap who started this exchange shared on Reddit by jesslees24.
Tried to be smart. Was outsmarted.
‘”I’m not that hard up for company” is a hell of a dig. I love it.’ AldenDi ‘But I’m sure he’s a “nice guy”.’ lameoldperson
READ MORE
This viewer was confused by Chernobyl and wins facepalm of the week
Source Reddit u/jesslees24


thepoke--2020-03-18--This newspaper had the best response to the lack of sport because of coronavirus

There ’ s not a lot of sport going on right now as a result of coronavirus .
And this @ @ @ @ @ page totally nails it .
My local newspaper has jokes … ’ writes Televsion over @ @ @ @ @ of the best responses to “ coronavirus won ’ t kill me why should I @ @ @ @ @ ve seen yet ’

Pics
There’s not a lot of sport going on right now as a result of coronavirus. And this local newspaper’s back page totally nails it.
My local newspaper has jokes …’ writes Televsion over on Reddit.
And our favourite comment.
‘Finally! More tissue paper!’ NIQUARIOUS
READ MORE
‘One of the best responses to “coronavirus won’t kill me why should I care?” I’ve seen yet’
Source Reddit u/Televsion


thepoke--2020-03-19--People are sharing tweets that always make them giggle – 23 favourites

It all began when the great @ JimMFelton asked people to send them tweets that always make them giggle .
@ @ @ @ @ what we need right now .
Here are our 23 favourites .

Pics
It all began when the great @JimMFelton asked people to send them tweets that always make them giggle.
Everything is terrible. Show me a tweet that will always make you giggle. This one works on me every time. https://t.co/jXXTpSFcX1 — James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 18, 2020
And the responses are just what we need right now. Here are our 23 favourites.
1.
Never fails to make me laugh pic.twitter.com/JpaHdTKXrQ — Jack (@jcscully00) March 18, 2020
2.
my happy place is your nana’s dog at the chippy … pic.twitter.com/1RCRdVGjAI — etymologic (@etymologic) March 18, 2020
3.
4.
‘This is absolute joy,’ said @AmblingJohn.
Best. Video. Ever! Just found this of when we bought our goose George a girlfriend called Florence & it was love at first sight 😍😄 pic.twitter.com/INtwKPhT72 — Dolitics (@dollytheis) February 20, 2020
5.
You’ve probably already had this one from about 4 years ago, but man, it killed me when I saw it. pic.twitter.com/X0vC0r2Kva — Rhodri Marsden (@rhodri) March 19, 2020
6.
This is still perhaps the greatest mic drop of all time. pic.twitter.com/5ByDQ0HpbQ — Eoghan Mac Coinnigh (@CoinnighMac) March 18, 2020
7.
8.
9.
10.
This one literally always make me laugh pic.twitter.com/1r8MCaqe7s — Amy-claire Davies ☀ (@Amy_Claire_x) March 19, 2020
11.
pic.twitter.com/QlH1bZPckH — Wish I had an ‘X’ in my name. (@DeepSpaceMark) March 18, 2020
12.


thepoke--2020-03-19--‘Found in the pocket of my grandpa’s WW2 bomber jacket’

People love the story of this hero dog who came to the rescue of its human

Pics
‘Found in the pocket of my grandpa’s WW2 bomber jacket,’ says itskateinabox over on Reddit.
‘To find a fifth one fold as indicated’
Source Reddit u/itskateinabox


thepoke--2020-03-19--People love the story of this hero dog who came to the rescue of its human

Hero dog of this week or very possibly any week is this tale shared on Reddit in response to the @ @ @ @ @ give 5 years of your life to your dog and why .
A lovely old @ @ @ @ @ was hailed a hero but turned out to be even cleverer than they thought

Popular
Hero dog of this week or very possibly any week is this tale shared on Reddit in response to the question whether you’d give 5 years of your life to your dog and why.
‘Holy shit this literally made me cry. I fucking LOVE dogs man.’ GoonNL2 ‘I’m not crying you’re crying!’ NoobAck
READ MORE
A lovely old story about a dog who was hailed a hero but turned out to be even cleverer than they thought
Source Reddit u/GallowBoob
Image Pixabay


thepoke--2020-03-19--This chap’s mum really didn’t want him to get a tattoo so he did this

'Found in the pocket of my grandpa ’ s WW2 bomber jacket '

Pics
To be filed under too good to check.
Who’s laughing now, eh? Eh?
READ MORE
Simply 17 really bad tattoo ideas (NSFW)
Source Reddit u/NirvanaTrash


thepoke--2020-03-19--This restaurant’s email about coronavirus suffered an unfortunate but very funny auto correction

Spare a thought for the good people of The Spice Restaurant who unfortunately have had to temporarily close as a @ @ @ @ @ s coronavirus advice .
Not only that , the message they sent customers suffered a @ @ @ @ @ ‘ My auntie ’ s local restaurant emailed her this , ’ said @ hannahchrstina @ @ @ @ @ to drinking and eating out to excess once this is all over .
“ Trying @ @ @ @ @ stay in ” is the funny but frustrating truth

Pics
Spare a thought for the good people of The Spice Restaurant who unfortunately have had to temporarily close as a result of the government’s coronavirus advice.
Not only that, the message they sent customers suffered a most unfortunate auto correction.
‘My auntie’s local restaurant emailed her this,’ said @hannahchrstina on Twitter.
I’m sorry, you’re WHAT?
Looking forward to drinking and eating out to excess once this is all over.
READ MORE
“Trying to get old people to stay in” is the funny but frustrating truth
Source Twitter @hannahchrstina Image Tripadvisor


thepoke--2020-03-19--This unfortunate Daily Mail headline about Susanna Reid can be read two ways and it’s cheered us up

This unfortunate Daily Mail headline about Susanna Reid can be read two ways and it’s cheered us up a bit

Unfortunate newspaper headline of the day goes to the Daily Mail with this effort about Mother ’ s Day and @ @ @ @ @ know we are all grasping for easy solutions but this seems unfair on Susanna Reid @ @ @ @ @ on Twitter .
People really enjoyed Susanna Reid ’ s comeback to the troll who @ @ @ @ @ Morgan

Pics
Unfortunate newspaper headline of the day goes to the Daily Mail with this effort about Mother’s Day and Susanna Reid.
‘I know we are all grasping for easy solutions but this seems unfair on Susanna Reid,’ said @StigAbell on Twitter.
Haha.
When proofing goes wrong: Episode 5! — Mr VVIP (@cbr6slider) March 19, 2020
Looks like the subs at the Mail have self- isolated. — Amjad Khan (@SmartCircleComm) March 19, 2020
I’m happy to do it for the mums ♥ https://t.co/3EcCqn0Vgi — Susanna Reid (@susannareid100) March 19, 2020
READ MORE
People really enjoyed Susanna Reid’s comeback to the troll who accused her of interrupting Piers Morgan
Source @StigAbell


thepoke--2020-03-19--Nigel Farage used coronavirus to fuel his racist agenda – these are the only 5 replies you need

One consequence of coronavirus is that people – not everyone , but lots of people – have been looking out @ @ @ @ @ neighbours where they can .
And then there ’ s Nigel Farage , who used @ @ @ @ @ his racist agenda .
Of course he did !
And here are the only 5 @ @ @ @ @ wasn ’ t alone , of course , Trump – with his insistence on calling @ @ @ @ @ – foremost among them .

Twitter
One consequence of coronavirus is that people – not everyone, but lots of people – have been looking out for each other and helping neighbours where they can.
And then there’s Nigel Farage, who used the global pandemic to fuel his racist agenda. Of course he did!
It really is about time we all said it. China caused this nightmare. Period. https://t.co/9zSVEqnM2J — Nigel Farage (@Nigel_Farage) March 18, 2020
And here are the only 5 replies you need.
It really is about time we all said it. Farage exploits this nightmare to score cheap racist points. Period. https://t.co/sRM1a6bOxW — Kevin Maguire (@Kevin_Maguire) March 19, 2020
Yeah, the best response to a global pandemic is obviously racism. That will *really* help protect vulnerable people and keep communities safe… https://t.co/uzFiFFlJNH — Peter Geoghegan (@PeterKGeoghegan) March 18, 2020
https://twitter.com/SebDance/status/1240419500912230400?s=20
.@Nigel_Farage is there anything you won't use to stir up hatred against the 'foreigner'? #COVID19 is a global pandemic. People are dying. To beat it, the whole world needs to work together. Please, for once, keep your hateful, xenophobic garbage to yourself. https://t.co/defUZJVyTk — David Lammy (@DavidLammy) March 18, 2020
For almost a decade Farage has tried, with growing desperation to shake Britain off and break America. He's now desperate and probably senses that Trump's days are numbered and to that end he's started deploying full frontal Americanisms. pic.twitter.com/3MMMDHlCQ5 — Otto English (@Otto_English) March 18, 2020
Farage wasn’t alone, of course, Trump – with his insistence on calling coronavirus ‘Chinese Virus’ – foremost among them.
It's like there's a bat signal for 'anti-Chinese racism'.
They're all at it now. I'm old enough to remember when getting closer to China was a 'reason' to leave the EU. — James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) March 18, 2020
Only one question remains.
Is there any cure for Nigel Farage? https://t.co/mWTfr1QMiM — Katy (@Katy60891492) March 18, 2020
READ MORE
The 9 funniest reactions to Bono writing a coronavirus ballad


thepoke--2020-03-19--Genius advertising strategy of the day

Genius advertising strategy of the day

There are so many adverts that it takes a lot to stand out .
This one does exactly that – @ @ @ @ @ even bothered with bells and whistles .
This advert went viral because it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ very funny

Pics
There are so many adverts that it takes a lot to stand out. This one does exactly that – and it hasn’t even bothered with bells and whistles.
Who fancies a lemony alcohol?
READ MORE
This advert went viral because it’s totally bizarre and very, very funny
Source r/funny Image r/funny @andrewtneel on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-03-19--Not even desperation can persuade shoppers to buy these 16 also-rans

If you ’ ve set foot in a supermarket recently , you may have been reminded of the aftermath of @ @ @ @ @ the chocolate aisle the day before Easter .
There are no toilet rolls , no @ @ @ @ @ not a tin of beans , spaghetti or soup in sight .
Some stuff , @ @ @ @ @ – even in a crisis .
And these were the best replies to Amelia ’ @ @ @

Twitter
If you’ve set foot in a supermarket recently, you may have been reminded of the aftermath of a locust swarm, or the chocolate aisle the day before Easter.
There are no toilet rolls, no pasta, no bread and not a tin of beans, spaghetti or soup in sight.
Some stuff, however, is still unwanted – even in a crisis.
I am insanely fascinated by what gets left on the shelves. Anyone got any good pics/examples?? — Amelia Tait (@ameliargh) March 18, 2020
And these were the best replies to Amelia’s request.
1.
This is @gavinnes' favourite cereal. He didn't know whether to feel relieved or insulted. pic.twitter.com/IwGwiz7dis — Bec Hill (@bechillcomedian) March 18, 2020
2.
People have limits when it comes to biscuit choices. pic.twitter.com/7rXfsG9nDk — Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) March 18, 2020
3.
The audacity of this pic.twitter.com/kqJfnqCEzC — the magical mister misophieles (@SophLouiseHall) March 18, 2020
4.
There may be a pandemic, but nobody feels like honey & mustard chicken tonight. pic.twitter.com/hQaEtlpEC4 — Sarah Doran (@sarahisnothere) March 18, 2020
5.
These are two adjacent aisles in Lee Green Sainsbury, SE London, yesterday. One is ‘Canned Food’. The other is ‘World Food’, most of which is canned (or in jars). Spot the difference. Even when they’re panicking they’re xenophobes. pic.twitter.com/oW5KrG1Cfr — Matthew Bailey (@DabberMatt) March 18, 2020
6.
Can't wash ya hands but we have your vaginas sorted! pic.twitter.com/k5NQ4cpAWp — Danielle Heap (@DanielleHeap) March 18, 2020
7.
8.


thepoke--2020-03-19--People are still managing to joke about the coronavirus – our 17 favourites

If ever there were an occasion to use # scenes , it ’ s the state of the coronavirus response @ @ @ @ @ from the end of Friday , public examinations called off and *checks notes* Olympic officials @ @ @ @ @ ahead .
Spoiler alert – they won ’ t .
As always , it ’ @ @ @ @ @ stress a break and have a laugh instead , so here are the newest funny @ @ @ @ @ to enjoy .

Twitter
If ever there were an occasion to use #scenes, it’s the state of the coronavirus response, with UK schools closing from the end of Friday, public examinations called off and *checks notes* Olympic officials insisting the games will go ahead. Spoiler alert – they won’t.
As always, it’s vital to give your stress a break and have a laugh instead, so here are the newest funny coronavirus tweets for us all to enjoy.
1.
Shakespeare wrote King Lear while in quarantine. Newton invented calculus. I just sent an email that ended 'Best regarbs'. — Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) March 18, 2020
2.
It's my birthday in FOUR DAYS.
I know it's a cliché, but if I could have ANYTHING at all and I DO know this is impossible, it would be for all of the sick people on planet earth to send me a bottle of wine. x — Cap'n Ben Homewood (@capnbobfrapples) March 17, 2020
3.
Me: I'm homeschooling the kids but can you look after them between 5 and 8? Wife: Yeah of course Me: Awesome *turns on Xbox* I'll take over when they're 9 — Jon (@ArfMeasures) March 18, 2020
4.
Via
5.
https://twitter.com/Home_Halfway/status/1239995955702890497?s=19
6.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light* Neighbor: how was your quarantine? Me: quarantine? — Dropped Mike (@rebrafsim) March 17, 2020
7.
Side effect of quarantine is it's really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said "okay I have to run" before realizing there is nowhere to run to — Jeff Kasanoff (@JeffKasanoff) March 18, 2020
8.
Boris: ‘People are making heroic efforts to comply!’ Boris’ Dad: I’m off down the pub. They’re such characters!
In the sense that it would be inordinately preferable if they were FICTIONAL. pic.twitter.com/BkOyrKUnA3 — Dr Louise Raw (@LouiseRawAuthor) March 18, 2020
9.
Airlines in 2019: Your baggage is 1kg over? That’ll be $150. And no you can’t sit next to your wife, idiot.
Airlines in 2020: hewwow 😇 wemeber us? we’ve got a favour to ask 🥺🥺🥺 — Bea_ker (@bea_ker) March 18, 2020
10.


thepoke--2020-03-19--Not just faces in thing – 16 DRUNK faces in things

Faces in things are almost everywhere , if you look hard enough .
There ’ s even a Twitter account @ @ @ @ @ handy location .
Sometimes those faces look as though they ’ ve had a few @ @ @ @ @ are perfect examples of that – drunk faces in things .

Pics
Faces in things are almost everywhere, if you look hard enough. There’s even a Twitter account that collects them into one handy location.
Sometimes those faces look as though they’ve had a few too many, and these are perfect examples of that – drunk faces in things.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.


thepoke--2020-03-19--A Trump fan tried to own the Libs and got murdered by words

After it was agreed by Congress that all Americans will be given money to help them through the coronavirus crisis @ @ @ @ @ on Facebook .
Another Facebook user spotted the snark and gave as good as they @ @ @ @ @ probably still applying ointment to that burn .
Here ’ s what Redditors have been @ @ @ @ @ .
We have a feeling that won ’ t be the way Trump tells it @ @ @ @ @ proof ” of the conspiracy theory and got murdered by words

Pics
After it was agreed by Congress that all Americans will be given money to help them through the coronavirus crisis, somebody posted this comment on Facebook.
Another Facebook user spotted the snark and gave as good as they got.
They’re probably still applying ointment to that burn. Here’s what Redditors have been saying about u/ThirtyTwoYards‘ post.
Someone named u/politicsmodsareweak had a correction.
We have a feeling that won’t be the way Trump tells it.
READ MORE
A flat-Earther posted “proof” of the conspiracy theory and got murdered by words
Source r/MurderedByWords Image r/MurderedByWords, Telegraph screengrab


thepoke--2020-03-19--“Trying to get old people to stay in” is the funny but frustrating truth

It ’ s a bit tricky keeping up with the coronavirus prevention advice , beyond washing your hands for 20 @ @ @ @ @ , keeping them away from your face , and social distancing .
In addition to @ @ @ @ @ symptoms should self-isolate for seven days , and their household should self-isolate for 14 days @ @ @ @ @ to stop vulnerable people from contracting the illness , with the immune-compromised and elderly being @ @ @ @ @ , have you tried to get an old person to self-isolate ?
It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ sketch by stand-up comedian Ignacio Lopez demonstrates .
We ’ ll let you into a @ @ @ @ @ played by Ignacio .
We know !
He ’ s a master of disguise .
@ @ @ @ @ too relatable .
We wholeheartedly agree with this comment from @ chicinlondon1 .
This hilarious @ @ @ @ @ be a ( nother ) Welsh Batman

Videos
It’s a bit tricky keeping up with the coronavirus prevention advice, beyond washing your hands for 20 seconds several times a day, keeping them away from your face, and social distancing.
In addition to that, people showing coronavirus symptoms should self-isolate for seven days, and their household should self-isolate for 14 days.
The main aim is to stop vulnerable people from contracting the illness, with the immune-compromised and elderly being the most at-risk.
But, have you tried to get an old person to self-isolate? It’s not easy, as this sketch by stand-up comedian Ignacio Lopez hilariously demonstrates.
Trying to get old people to stay in. 😷😩😂 pic.twitter.com/PAWVM0R0U0 — Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) March 17, 2020
We’ll let you into a secret – both parts were played by Ignacio. We know! He’s a master of disguise.
People found the scenario all too relatable.
I can relate to this, it's like my Polish
Mum😂😂😂 https://t.co/yoIHnmSbtC — I'm a Gherkin short of a pickle Jar! (@AnyaSzczytowska) March 17, 2020
I ran some supplies to my parents' house this morning: just a few bits that they couldn't get over their way due to shelf-stripping idiots. They're in their 70s, and self-isolating. As soon as I arrived,
"Are you coming in for a coffee before you go?"
What??? — The Marshland Wanderer (@MarshlandThe) March 18, 2020
We wholeheartedly agree with this comment from @chicinlondon1.
Just what we need for the moment. A good laugh 😂 — chic-in-london (@chicinlondon1) March 17, 2020
READ MORE
This hilarious sketch shows why there should be a(nother) Welsh Batman
Source Ignacio Lopez Image Ignacio Lopez