thepoke--2020-06-15--10 (partial) lockdown laughs to boost your spirits

There are changes afoot in some parts of the UK , with shops considered non-essential – such as Primark – @ @ @ @ @ planning their own openings if they can get the social distancing right .
Against all @ @ @ @ @ on Twitter are still coming up with fresh looks at what ’ s going on @ @ @ @ @ under “ laugh or you ’ ll cry ” .
1 .
Things seem very @ @ @ @ @ We aren ’ t getting the concessions we really want 3 .
People know what @ @ @ @ @ when some places are open , it doesn ’ t mean we ’ ll want @ @ @ @ @ The US seems to have completely given up 6 .
People are taking whatever precautions @ @ @ @ @ Be careful what you wish for 8 .
Not everybody is following the rules 9 @ @ @ @ @ worst priorities 10 .
It ’ s a complete mystery that the virus hasn ’ @ @ @ @ @ been musing on pandemic life – our 12 funny favourites

Twitter
There are changes afoot in some parts of the UK, with shops considered non-essential – such as Primark – now open, and restaurants planning their own openings if they can get the social distancing right.
Against all the odds, funny people on Twitter are still coming up with fresh looks at what’s going on.
File some of these under “laugh or you’ll cry”.
1. Things seem very different after lockdown
First time I went into “town” in #Ealing Broadway since March…it’s changed a lot! 😮 pic.twitter.com/CN2FtcpHsi — Tomasz Schafernaker (@Schafernaker) June 13, 2020
2. We aren’t getting the concessions we really want
You still can’t hug your nan but at least you can go to Primark and buy a £1.99 t-shirt emblazoned with ‘the only time I want corona is when it’s served chilled with a wedge of lime’ in sequins. — Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 14, 2020
3. People know what really matters
2019: live, laugh, love 2020: lather, rinse, repeat — .Mela. (@mela_shea) March 21, 2020
4. Even when some places are open, it doesn’t mean we’ll want to go there
I don't care what they say, I won't feel comfortable going to the Gym before there's a Vaccine. Or after there's a vaccine. — chris o'dowd (@BigBoyler) June 11, 2020
5. The US seems to have completely given up
Truly amazing that we stopped taking precautions against the virus because we *checks notes* got bored of it. — Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) June 14, 2020
6. People are taking whatever precautions they feel necessary
I heard the 2nd wave of COVID-19 might be happening… pic.twitter.com/Zx7jAT1MUT — christian (@buiyonce) June 14, 2020
7. Be careful what you wish for
2019: I wish I could lay around in my underwear and watch tv all day 2020: lol — Bart (@bartandsoul) April 6, 2020
8. Not everybody is following the rules
So much for social distancing. I had so many people up my ass at the grocery store that three of them charged me for a prostate exam. — Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 14, 2020
9. Some people have the worst priorities
So we can add "Statues of Churchill" alongside "Dominic Cummings' job" to the list "Things Boris Johnson will protect more readily than Nursing Home residents and NHS staff during a pandemic". Gotcha. — Dean Burnett (@garwboy) June 15, 2020
10. It’s a complete mystery that the virus hasn’t been defeated
I don’t understand how COVID is worse than ever after we’ve tried everything from pretending it’s over to pretending it never happened — Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) June 14, 2020
READ MORE
People have been musing on pandemic life – our 12 funny favourites
Image @Schafernaker


thepoke--2020-06-17--Boris Johnson said he’d not heard of Marcus Rashford’s campaign until the day before – only 5 replie

Boris Johnson said he’d not heard of Marcus Rashford’s campaign until the day before – only 5 replies you need

Boris Johnson made every effort at the government ’ s daily briefing to explain away his humiliating U-turn over providing @ @ @ @ @ England ’ s poorer families .
Johnson backed down in the face of a hugely @ @ @ @ @ Rashford ( you ’ ve probably heard about it ) .
Except the so-called prime @ @ @ @ @ t come across Rashford ’ s interest in the issue until the day before .
@ @ @ @ @ surprise people .
It left them dumbfounded .
These are the only 5 replies you @ @ @ @ @ Marcus Rashford ’ s name wrong but the footballer had the best response

Twitter
Boris Johnson made every effort at the government’s daily briefing to explain away his humiliating U-turn over providing food vouchers for some of England’s poorer families.
Johnson backed down in the face of a hugely popular campaign by footballer Marcus Rashford (you’ve probably heard about it).
Except the so-called prime minister said he hadn’t come across Rashford’s interest in the issue until the day before.
Boris Johnson says he did not know about the @MarcusRashford campaign on school meals until today pic.twitter.com/GCw7kem7cZ — Jim Pickard (@PickardJE) June 16, 2020
Which didn’t just surprise people. It left them dumbfounded. These are the only 5 replies you need.
1.
'PM understands issues facing families across UK. He'll respond to Marcus Rashford’s letter as soon as he can'
-Official Spokesman June 15 'I congratulated him on his campaign which I only became aware of very recently, in fact today'
-Boris Johnson June 16 How PM does politics — Paul Johnson (@paul__johnson) June 16, 2020
2.
Boris Johnson here making it clear he only became aware of Marcus Rashford’s campaign today unlike that heartless politician who rejected the campaign yesterday, Boris Johnson. pic.twitter.com/nHoN2t1QUp — David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 16, 2020
3.
Boris Johnson just claimed he wasn’t aware of this campaign he rejected yesterday until today https://t.co/kMs1p7niVz — James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 16, 2020
4.
He should get his eyes tested. https://t.co/2Lk0lzHzGS — James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) June 16, 2020
5.
Look I really don’t want to say this, it cheapens political discourse and it’s highly defamatory, but it is at least theoretically possible that when Boris Johnson says he hadn’t heard about the Marcus Rashford campaign until today, he might not be telling the truth. — Tom Peck (@tompeck) June 16, 2020
To conclude, this.
Jesus! @BorisJohnson says he was only aware of the free school meals campaign today. The Tory MP who chairs the education select committee has been on this for weeks. How on earth does this clown fill his day? — ALASTAIR CAMPBELL (@campbellclaret) June 16, 2020
And this.
So either he has terrible advisors not telling him about something like this, or he just makes it all up as he goes along and doesn’t even care that we all know it’s rubbish https://t.co/NFL6kVOhrk — Yvette Cooper (@YvetteCooperMP) June 16, 2020
READ MORE
Matt Hancock got Marcus Rashford’s name wrong but the footballer had the best response


thepoke--2020-06-17--Matt Hancock got Marcus Rashford’s name wrong but the footballer had the best response

On Tuesday , the Prime Minister thanked Marcus Rashford for *checks notes* persuading the Prime Minister that leaving children to @ @ @ @ @ a great plan .
This morning , the Health Secretary , Matt Hancock , appeared @ @ @ @ @ also praised the young footballer for his efforts .
Sort of .
Probably not a @ @ @ @ @ .
Marcus Rashford had the best response .
The only 5 takedowns you need after @ @ @ @ @ Rashford ’ s food vouchers goal

Videos
On Tuesday, the Prime Minister thanked Marcus Rashford for *checks notes* persuading the Prime Minister that leaving children to go hungry wasn’t a great plan.
This morning, the Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, appeared on Sky News and he also praised the young footballer for his efforts. Sort of.
Oh dear. Matt Hancock accidentally called Marcus Rashford “Daniel Rashford”. pic.twitter.com/wzZg7vDgai — Aubrey Allegretti (@breeallegretti) June 17, 2020
Probably not a Manchester United fan, then.
Here’s how Twitter reacted to “Daniel Rashford“.
1.
Good to see @MattHancock finally giving credit to footballers and Daniel Rashford in particular pic.twitter.com/b3lcqsTcP7 — Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) June 17, 2020
2.
I didn't lie when I said I wasn't aware of Marcus Rashford until yesterday. Up until then I'd been talking to Daniel Rashford. pic.twitter.com/831oqidsj3 — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) June 17, 2020
3.
I think it was Freud who pointed out that when you lie (eg “the U-turn on Free School Meals was terrific”) your psyche spends so much effort on it, it makes a mistake elsewhere. https://t.co/RnJfnwNbIL — David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 17, 2020
4.
5.
Good to see Matt Hancock giving Daniel Rashford the praise he deserves. A true Manchester Athletic fan.
pic.twitter.com/muxjaWYilx — David Lammy (@DavidLammy) June 17, 2020
6.
7.
‘Matt Hancock and I both love soccer, our favourite player is Daniel Rashford and we look forward to seeing him score a century at Wimbledon’ pic.twitter.com/G7jRDQWAQS — 🤣 The Dad Joke Man 😉 (@DadJokeMan) June 17, 2020
8.
"So Mr Hancock, who's your favourite actor?"
"Well I love that Marcus Radcliffe from Barry Potter." — Keith Burge (@carryonkeith) June 17, 2020
Daniel Marcus Rashford had the best response.
I’ve been called much worse over the last couple of days 🤣 — Marcus Rashford (@MarcusRashford) June 17, 2020
READ MORE
The only 5 takedowns you need after Labour tried to claim Marcus Rashford’s food vouchers goal
Source Sky News via Aubrey Allegretti Image Sky News screengrab via Aubrey Allegretti


thepoke--2020-06-17--“What is an adult problem you were not prepared for?” 15 highly relatable responses

Over on r/AskReddit , people have been sharing the adult problems they simply didn ’ t expect , and they @ @ @ @ @ highly relatable .
These were our favourites .
Running a home has its own challenges @

Popular
Over on r/AskReddit, people have been sharing the adult problems they simply didn’t expect, and they’re – mostly – highly relatable.
These were our favourites.
Our bodies become traitors.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
Running a home has its own challenges.
8.


thepoke--2020-06-17--This hilarious sketch shows how Zoom meetings can go horribly wrong

We ’ re really wishing we ’ d bought shares in Zoom , the video conferencing app , because it @ @ @ @ @ the main ways people have kept in touch since lockdown started .
It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ as this hilarious sketch from The Pin demonstrates .
Featuring The Pin duo , Alex @ @ @ @ @ as well as expert support from Jamie Demetriou , Lolly Adefope , Phil Wang and @ @ @ @ @ has been viewed more than 200,000 times in just a few hours , picking up @ @ @ @ @ Tempting , but probably a bit extreme .
Probably People have been getting creative with @ @ @ @ @ of the best

Videos
We’re really wishing we’d bought shares in Zoom, the video conferencing app, because it’s been one of the main ways people have kept in touch since lockdown started.
It’s not foolproof, though, as this hilarious sketch from The Pin demonstrates.
be careful sharing the Zoom invite pic.twitter.com/WPE2CN2uJ4 — The Pin (@thepincomedy) June 16, 2020
Featuring The Pin duo, Alex Owen and Ben Ashenden, as well as expert support from Jamie Demetriou, Lolly Adefope, Phil Wang and Natasha Hodgson, the sketch has been viewed more than 200,000 times in just a few hours, picking up Twitter reviews like these:
This is bloody wonderful — Laura (@fairycakes) June 16, 2020
This is the biggest laugh of my whole lockdown. Well done @thepincomedy … actually crying. Oh man… good stuff. https://t.co/Ldv41V1JAT — Meghan Cruz (@meghancruz) June 16, 2020
This is a very VERY good 90 seconds. https://t.co/7YNPjdU3T2 — Kate Young (@bakingfiction) June 16, 2020
The ever-funny Pundamentalism had a suggestion.
There have been very few reasons to smile lately, but @thepincomedy has been one of them. When the lockdown ends for good, we should barricade them in their homes to keep producing brilliant videos for us. https://t.co/15JiLSZcEG — Pundamentalism (@Pundamentalism) June 16, 2020
Tempting, but probably a bit extreme. Probably
READ MORE
People have been getting creative with their Zoom backgrounds – 11 of the best
Source The Pin Image The Pin


thepoke--2020-06-17--Donald Trump talked about an AIDS vaccine which doesn’t exist – our 11 favourite reactions

While addressing the press on much-needed police reform , Donald Trump rambled on about the prospects of a coronavirus vaccine @ @ @ @ @ They ’ ve come up with the AIDS vaccine.
” What ?
These people were @ @ @ @ @ to learn this closely guarded secret .
For the avoidance of all doubt … We @ @ @ @ @ see what Sarah Cooper does with this one .
The full transcript of Donald Trump @ @ @ @ @ question is simply extraordinary

Twitter
While addressing the press on much-needed police reform, Donald Trump rambled on about the prospects of a coronavirus vaccine, casually mentioning that “They’ve come up with the AIDS vaccine.”
“They’ve come up with the AIDS vaccine” pic.twitter.com/Z8MQK5Bi2F — Acyn Torabi (@Acyn) June 16, 2020
What? These people were as surprised as we were to learn this closely guarded secret.
1.
Breaking: Trump just cured AIDS — Randy Rainbow (@RandyRainbow) June 16, 2020
2.
Wait till he finds out about the aids Vaccine it’s so good it’s invisible https://t.co/HM6Si399ad — Molly Jong-Fast🏡 (@MollyJongFast) June 16, 2020
3.
I must have missed this major scientific breakthrough https://t.co/nY5kBSSNFZ — Elizabeth Wash Your Hands Thorp (@ElizabethEThorp) June 16, 2020
4.
They gotta start heckling this man the way they do comedians. https://t.co/V4rc4HcxIF — Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) June 16, 2020
5.
Wait, there's an AIDS vaccine? 🤔 Let me guess, it's hydroxychloroquine. https://t.co/UI0Eec4RIR — Lady Jaye (@MsJayePersists) June 16, 2020
6.
Dumbest person on the planet — Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) June 16, 2020
7.
If President Obama ever slurred through a speech and lied about an AIDS vaccine, he'd have been impeached and removed faster than trump "ran" down that ramp. — BrooklynDad_Defiant! (@mmpadellan) June 16, 2020
8.
The sad part is that as soon as I saw "AIDS vaccine" trending, I knew Donald Trump was the one who had said something stupid about it. — Palmer Report (@PalmerReport) June 16, 2020
9.
Sean Hannity was right. Donald Trump could cure cancer & the Fake Media wouldn't give him credit. Today @realDonaldTrump cured AIDS. I think he also cured Ebola, Cop Murder & Racism. So more many miracles coming our way in next 140 days from the great one. @seanhannity #Biden2020 https://t.co/oS6BqxKESj — Tom Arnold (@TomArnold) June 16, 2020
10.
By the end of the day he will have categorically denied making this statement https://t.co/mYKGGZ3Mjx — Alex H. Kasprak (@alexkasprak) June 16, 2020
11.
Since Dr. Trump cured AIDS today, I bet he will tackle Alzheimer’s Wednesday, Parkinson’s Thursday and Cancer on Friday. — Rural Independent 🇺🇸🏳🌈❤ (@gay_seniors) June 16, 2020
For the avoidance of all doubt …
There is no AIDS vaccine and health care for those with AIDS and HIV remains ludicrously expensive and inaccessible to countless folks who need it I hope this clarifies the statement just put out by the "President" of the United States. — Charlotte Clymer 🏳🌈 (@cmclymer) June 16, 2020
We can’t wait to see what Sarah Cooper does with this one.
READ MORE
The full transcript of Donald Trump’s response to this question is simply extraordinary
Source Acyn Torabi Image Acyn Torabi, @younis67 on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-06-17--The only 5 takedowns you need after Labour tried to claim Marcus Rashford’s food vouchers goal

Marcus Rashford has arguably made the best use of his lockdown time out of – well , anybody .
Among other things , the 22-year-old Manchester United forward has learnt some BSL to promote Deaf Awareness Week , donated 30 per cent of his salary to Manchester hospitals and recorded fun workouts for kids to do at home .
Best of all , his campaign to get the government to continue providing food vouchers during the summer holiday was successful , vastly improving the prospects of 1.3m vulnerable children .
He was widely congratulated on Twitter .
The leader of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , shared this perfectly pitched message .
Unfortunately , the Twitter account of the Labour Party didn ’ t take his lead .
It probably would have helped to mention Marcus Rashford , for a start .
Twitter wasn ’ t going to let that lie .
Finally , Nick Harvey , who has a special knack for fixing Twitter errors , wrote what they probably really wish they ’ d written .
Marcus Rashford just scored a stunning school meals victory over Boris Johnson – 13 favourite things people said about it

Twitter
Marcus Rashford has arguably made the best use of his lockdown time out of – well, anybody.
Among other things, the 22-year-old Manchester United forward has learnt some BSL to promote Deaf Awareness Week, donated 30 per cent of his salary to Manchester hospitals and recorded fun workouts for kids to do at home.
Best of all, his campaign to get the government to continue providing food vouchers during the summer holiday was successful, vastly improving the prospects of 1.3m vulnerable children.
I don’t even know what to say.
Just look at what we can do when we come together, THIS is England in 2020. — Marcus Rashford (@MarcusRashford) June 16, 2020
He was widely congratulated on Twitter.
Incredible, vital work. Congratulations and thank you x — Sarah Phelps (@PhelpsieSarah) June 16, 2020
Coming from a single parent household and knowing how much it helped my Mum out over the years, I salute you @MarcusRashford This won’t be the first, or last, time you hear this but well played sir. 👏👏👏👏👏 #MarcusRashford #feedthekids — Paddy McGuinness (@PaddyMcGuinness) June 16, 2020
The leader of the Labour party, Sir Keir Starmer, shared this perfectly pitched message.
Well done to @MarcusRashford for leading a campaign which has made sure 1.3 million children do not go hungry this summer.#HolidaysWithoutHunger pic.twitter.com/MpVX7rrtau — Keir Starmer (@Keir_Starmer) June 16, 2020
Unfortunately, the Twitter account of the Labour Party didn’t take his lead.
It probably would have helped to mention Marcus Rashford, for a start.
Twitter wasn’t going to let that lie.
1.
I wasn't aware Marcus Rashford changed his name by deed poll in the last hour to 'The Labour Party'… delete this nonsense. https://t.co/gEfBt0M0f6 — Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) June 16, 2020
2.
3.
And by we you mean he — James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 16, 2020
4.
*We* did it.
Labour being that Dad who hogs the gas & air during childbirth. https://t.co/14lH74PraX — Geoff Norcott (@GeoffNorcott) June 16, 2020
5.
Reword this tweet and give credit to @MarcusRashford not yourselves. — kath 🙀😷❄🇪🇺✊🏾 (@KathyBurke) June 16, 2020
Finally, Nick Harvey, who has a special knack for fixing Twitter errors, wrote what they probably really wish they’d written.
I’ve fixed that for you. You’re welcome. pic.twitter.com/PxsO0fzblg — Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) June 16, 2020
READ MORE
Marcus Rashford just scored a stunning school meals victory over Boris Johnson – 13 favourite things people said about it
Image BBC screengrab


thepoke--2020-06-16--Everyone’s cheering Marcus Rashford’s amazing victory – except Daily Mail readers, of course

There ’ s only one thing as predictable as a government U-turn and that was the response of Daily Mail @ @ @ @ @ s remarkable win today .
The Manchester United and England star , you won ’ @ @ @ @ @ the government into a humiliating U-turn on free school meal vouchers today .
Pretty much @ @ @ @ @ , as you can read here .
Not these readers of the Daily Mail , @ @ @ @ @ With grim and depressing predictability , we can see that Daily Mail readers are furious @ @ @ @ @ helping to feed poor children over the summer holidays , ’ says @ DMReporter over @ @ @ @ @ they are .
Marcus Rashford just scored a stunning school meals victory over Boris Johnson @ @ @ @ @ said about it

News
There’s only one thing as predictable as a government U-turn and that was the response of Daily Mail readers to Marcus Rashford’s remarkable win today.
The Manchester United and England star, you won’t need reminding, forced the government into a humiliating U-turn on free school meal vouchers today.
Pretty much the entire internet was delighted, as you can read here. Not these readers of the Daily Mail, though.
‘SCHOOLED: With grim and depressing predictability, we can see that Daily Mail readers are furious that the government will be helping to feed poor children over the summer holidays,’ says @DMReporter over on Twitter.
And here they are.
Follow @DMReporter on Twitter here.
READ MORE
Marcus Rashford just scored a stunning school meals victory over Boris Johnson – 13 favourite things people said about it
Source @DMReporter


thepoke--2020-06-16--This amazing tale of the kindness of strangers has gone viral all over again

It began when writer Nicole Cliffe asked this on Twitter .
And it prompted lots and lots of replies , but none of the stories were quite so amazing as this one , which has just gone viral on Reddit all over again .
This is why .
‘ I ’ m not crying , you ’ re crying !
’ said MarionPreis who shared it on Reddit .
‘ This is so wholesome .
I want everyone who was in that lines name and I will personaly give them a fkn medal for hopefully helping that man on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I hope this is a real story because it ’ s so heart warming.
’ bethkatez And it prompted another Redditor , thefoag , to share a story of their own .
‘ I used to sell phones in a popular mall in Toronto .
‘ A woman ran up to me frantically asking for help as her phone broke and she urgently needed it working .
She was crying pretty hysterically , hyperventilating too .
I was trying to fix the phone but after 3 seconds she says , “ I don @ @ @ @ @ @ @ need a phone I ’ ll buy one ” as she grabs her wallet aggressively from her purse .
At this point I asked her what was going on , and she looked dead in my eyes and says , “ he ’ s going to die ” .
I grabbed her SIM card from her phone and put it in mine and handed it to her , without hesitation .
She asked if she could call international and because it was a work phone , it allowed these calls , of course @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by the company , within reason ) .
She was on the phone for a while .
I had to help a lot of customers , and when I turned I realized she had silently left phone with a colleague of mine and a sticky note that said , “ you saved his life ” .
That really shook me , even without context .
‘ Maybe around 10 months to a year later , I was working at another store ( but same company ) and this lady is back , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ guy , middle eastern .
He had started to get emotional before our introduction , as did the woman .
I said hello to the woman and that “ I didn ’ t get a chance to ask about what happened ” .
She tells me that this young man , Farzad , was on the other line in Iran .
The woman told me she is a sponsor for gay men in countries in which homosexuality is deemed illegal or unacceptable .
She continues to say that her son killed himself at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to being there for anyone who felt the same way her son felt , in times of need .
Farzad told me that he had been planning to move to Toronto but had hit so many roadblocks in trying to leave Iran , that he was going to take his own life .
He had said that he was sitting , knife in hand , that day that Mary ( the woman who used my phone ) had dropped the call .
He asked me if he could give me a hug and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ told me that she had gone to 2 other cell phone stores asking to use a phone but was disallowed due to it being international .
She then told me , while she was leaving , she wished her son knew me when he was alive .
That one is the one that gets me every time .
’

Twitter
It began when writer Nicole Cliffe asked this on Twitter.
‘What is the kindest thing a stranger has done or said to you?’
And it prompted lots and lots of replies, but none of the stories were quite so amazing as this one, which has just gone viral all over again on Reddit.
This is why.
Oh God I can’t even tell this story and not cry.
I used to manage an LGBT bookstore, when bookstores were still a thing. One night, a caller says he thinks he might be gay and is considering self-harm. We were not a crisis center!
But as long as we’re talking, he’s safe, right? — 💁🏼♂ (@TweetChizone) March 4, 2019
So I talk to this guy and I answer questions, and I try to be encouraging and I’m maybe sounding a little frantic and I’m definitely ignoring the 4-5 customers in the store, and this angel of a woman puts her hand on my shoulder and asks for the phone.
“My turn,” she says. — 💁🏼♂ (@TweetChizone) March 4, 2019
And SHE, this 50-something lesbian talks to this stranger on the phone. And a LINE FORMS BEHIND HER. Every customer in that store knows that call, knows that feeling, and every person takes a turn talking to that man.
That story comforts me so much to this day. — 💁🏼♂ (@TweetChizone) March 4, 2019
‘I’m not crying, you’re crying!’ said MarionPreis who shared it on Reddit and prompted lots of comments like these.
‘This is so wholesome. I want everyone who was in that lines name and I will personaly give them a fkn medal for hopefully helping that man on the phone not to self-harm.’ this_boi_right_here_ ‘I hope this is a real story because it’s so heart warming.’ bethkatez
And it prompted another Redditor, thefoag, to share a story of their own.
‘I used to sell phones in a popular mall in Toronto. ‘A woman ran up to me frantically asking for help as her phone broke and she urgently needed it working. She was crying pretty hysterically, hyperventilating too. I was trying to fix the phone but after 3 seconds she says, “I don’t give a shit, I need a phone I’ll buy one” as she grabs her wallet aggressively from her purse. At this point I asked her what was going on, and she looked dead in my eyes and says, “he’s going to die”. I grabbed her SIM card from her phone and put it in mine and handed it to her, without hesitation. She asked if she could call international and because it was a work phone, it allowed these calls, of course I agreed (it’s covered by the company, within reason). She was on the phone for a while. I had to help a lot of customers, and when I turned I realized she had silently left phone with a colleague of mine and a sticky note that said, “you saved his life”. That really shook me, even without context. ‘Maybe around 10 months to a year later, I was working at another store (but same company) and this lady is back, but with somebody. It was a teenage guy, middle eastern. He had started to get emotional before our introduction, as did the woman. I said hello to the woman and that “I didn’t get a chance to ask about what happened”. She tells me that this young man, Farzad, was on the other line in Iran. The woman told me she is a sponsor for gay men in countries in which homosexuality is deemed illegal or unacceptable. She continues to say that her son killed himself at 19 and that she dedicated her life to being there for anyone who felt the same way her son felt, in times of need. Farzad told me that he had been planning to move to Toronto but had hit so many roadblocks in trying to leave Iran, that he was going to take his own life. He had said that he was sitting, knife in hand, that day that Mary (the woman who used my phone) had dropped the call. He asked me if he could give me a hug and of course I obliged. ‘She told me that she had gone to 2 other cell phone stores asking to use a phone but was disallowed due to it being international. She then told me, while she was leaving, she wished her son knew me when he was alive. That one is the one that gets me every time.’
Source Reddit MarionPreis


thepoke--2020-06-16--13 funny things people said about the guys ‘defending’ the George Eliot statue in Nuneaton

Well , it ’ s fair to say no-one saw this coming .
A group of men was spotted apparently @ @ @ @ @ a statue of George Eliot in Nuneaton , while a Black Lives Matter protest took @ @ @ @ @ .
And it prompted no end of funny comments on Twitter , of which these @ @ @ @ @ Mail on Sunday asked what ’ s become of tolerant Britain and these replies were @ @ @

Twitter
Well, it’s fair to say no-one saw this coming. A group of men was spotted apparently standing guard in front of a statue of George Eliot in Nuneaton, while a Black Lives Matter protest took place a short distance away.
That’s right. George Eliot.
Oh my god … they are … *rubs eyes* they really are guarding the statue of George Eliot in Nuneaton. pic.twitter.com/i7yiSEjZ46 — Helen Macdonald (@HelenJMacdonald) June 16, 2020
And it prompted no end of funny comments on Twitter, of which these are our favourite.
1.
Do they think it's just ALL statues? Oh god… They're All Statues Matter people. — Damian W. (@damnwymz) June 16, 2020
2.
EDL lads furious that the PC brigade replaced George Eliot's statue with a woman. https://t.co/9DEjVK0tSA — John O'Farrell (@mrjohnofarrell) June 16, 2020
3.
‘E’s called George. Got to be a good bloke!! — Paul Bernal (@PaulbernalUK) June 16, 2020
4.
To be fair the Jane Austen mob can get pretty rowdy — J C (@JoolzCook) June 16, 2020
5.
'If you don't like Middlemarch, I'll kick your facking head in.'' https://t.co/jsKdX52bSQ — Matt Haig (@matthaig1) June 16, 2020
6.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that Middlemarch is for losers and even Mrs Woodhouse could beat George Elliot in a fight. — Bob (@oneshotbobby) June 16, 2020
7.
– Where did you serve in the 2020 Lockdown Statue Wars?
– I was in the Literary Guard (Victorian Novelists Division) https://t.co/UYwW1CnT1t — jennylandreth (@jennylandreth) June 16, 2020
8.
'George's writing meant a lot to me. He got me through the custody hearings and a difficult time,' said one statue protector. — DanC (@DanSeanClayton) June 16, 2020
9.
They're protesting because the statue of George Eliot has been replaced by some woman. It's an antifa/Soros plot if ever I saw one. — SteveM (@stevemaybury) June 16, 2020
10.
Eliot fans have been radicalised https://t.co/t1qgNmR06h — Sathnam Sanghera (@Sathnam) June 16, 2020
11.
I see now that my book club is not nearly militant enough. — Catherine Mitchell (@CathMitch14) June 16, 2020
12.
They were worried about the three planned marches that day, the larger left and right marches are going to demonstrate at statues of actual slavers. That one is the middle march. I’ll get my coat. — Dr Stu Eve (@stueve) June 16, 2020
13.
To conclude …
Amazing. Not spent a second looking into why that statue was attacked, just assume all statues, no matter who they are, are in danger. That's what we're locked in with. https://t.co/EqzBez7Yen — John Rain CBE (@MrKenShabby) June 16, 2020
Whatever next?
2023, the third year of the Statue War: having torn down all political, historical, cultural and literary statues, the rebels are pulling down those fibreglass Ronald McDonalds with the charity buckets, it's anarchy — David Thomas Moore (@dtmooreeditor) June 16, 2020
READ MORE
The Mail on Sunday asked what’s become of tolerant Britain and these replies were in no doubt
Source @HelenJMacdonald


thepoke--2020-06-16--Marcus Rashford just scored a stunning school meals victory over Boris Johnson – 13 favourite things

Marcus Rashford just scored a stunning school meals victory over Boris Johnson – 13 favourite things people said about it

Footballer Marcus Rashford scored an extraordinary victory today after the government relented in the face of his campaign to feed @ @ @ @ @ .
Boris Johnson had previously rejected a plea from the Manchester United and England star @ @ @ @ @ meals voucher system for low income families .
But in a screeching U-turn today – @ @ @ @ @ ’ t be the – the government today changed its mind in the face of @ @ @ @ @ campaign .
Here ’ s what the man himself had to say .
And here @ @ @ @ @ people said about it .
A cabinet minister ’ s 5-word response to Marcus Rashford @ @ @ @ @ plea had the entire internet shaking its head

Twitter
Footballer Marcus Rashford scored an extraordinary victory today after the government relented in the face of his campaign to help feed children during the summer holidays.
Boris Johnson had previously rejected a plea from the Manchester United and England star to extend the free school meals voucher system for low income families.
But in a screeching U-turn today – where have we heard that phrase before? – the government changed its mind in the face of Rashford’s hugely popular campaign.
Rashford 1 Johnson 0. Government capitulates and agrees to spend £120m on supermarket vouchers to give to children on free school meals in summer hols — Robert Peston (@Peston) June 16, 2020
Here’s what the man himself had to say.
I don’t even know what to say.
Just look at what we can do when we come together, THIS is England in 2020. — Marcus Rashford (@MarcusRashford) June 16, 2020
And here are our 13 favourite things people said about it.
1.
One footballer just changed 1.3 million lives https://t.co/FfjlLatibV — Paul Brand (@PaulBrandITV) June 16, 2020
2.
So it takes a footballer and mutinous Tory backbenchers to persuade the great populist Boris Johnson that feeding children is popular. Ah, that common touch. — Dorian Lynskey (@Dorianlynskey) June 16, 2020
3.
Rashford has pulled the ultimate uno reverse card on the government. They shamed footballers for not taking a paycut now he's embarrassing them for not feeding kids — Scott (@ScottyAdam3) June 16, 2020
4.
Marcus Rashford is Prime Minister — Owen Jones says join a union🌹 (@OwenJones84) June 16, 2020
5.
https://twitter.com/TherealNihal/status/1272865559106007042?s=20
6.
Shout out to Matt Hancock who said footballers had to play their part, and then got completely owned by Marcus Rashford doing more for kids in poverty than the government ever has. — Tiernan Douieb (@TiernanDouieb) June 16, 2020
7.
This summer Marcus Rashford should have been uniting the country by playing football for England. He managed to do better than that. Amazing. — Stig Abell (@StigAbell) June 16, 2020
8.
Well Sports Personality Of The Year just got a lot easier didn't it? — Danny Baker (@prodnose) June 16, 2020
9.
Marcus Rashford – £120m
Government – 0 — Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran) June 16, 2020
10.
Just outstanding that the government can make something like feeding hungry vulnerable kids look like an embarrassing u-turn — James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 16, 2020
11.
Congratulations & heartfelt thanks to @MarcusRashford.
You've achieved more in two days than many politicians achieve in their entire careers. Just finish your career at @khfcofficial in a few years time & you'll be my hero for life! — James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) June 16, 2020
12.
https://twitter.com/GaryLineker/status/1272865644107771904?s=20
13.
‘Sir Marcus Rashford.’ I like it, I like it a lot. — Retro United (@Retro_Utd) June 16, 2020
To conclude …
Amazing to see your efforts rewarded and to know so many will benefit. We're so proud of you, Marcus 👏 https://t.co/fM6OfR4kkc — England (@England) June 16, 2020
READ MORE
A cabinet minister’s 5-word response to Marcus Rashford’s free school meals plea had the entire internet shaking its head


thepoke--2020-06-16--Monday’s daily briefing as “a live feed of Dominic Raab watching ITVBe”

As much as we ’ ve been loving Darren Dutton ‘ s end credits for the daily briefings , like @ @ @ @ @ this might be his best edit yet .
The look on his face is far @ @ @ @ @ binge-watching carb-TV than one answering complex questions about life and death .
A whole lot @ @ @ @ @ – obviously .
And we all reckon it was totally worth it .
The end @ @ @ @ @ seem hilariously apt for the daily briefing

Videos
As much as we’ve been loving Darren Dutton‘s end credits for the daily briefings, like this …
You have been watching pic.twitter.com/3ih6Jjf2X9 — Darren Dutton (@Darren_Dutton) May 28, 2020
… we think this might be his best edit yet.
Not saying the briefings are completely pointless but today's was just a live feed of Dominic Raab watching ITVBe pic.twitter.com/5YfHjaFku6 — Darren Dutton (@Darren_Dutton) June 15, 2020
The look on his face is far better suited to a man binge-watching carb-TV than one answering complex questions about life and death.
A whole lot of work went into it – obviously.
Just explaining this one over on FB as it's the reason I'm tired today 😴 pic.twitter.com/bk4nYD7wOR — Darren Dutton (@Darren_Dutton) June 16, 2020
And we all reckon it was totally worth it.
Best one yet 😂😂 — AShilvock (@AngelaShilvock) June 16, 2020
It’s the first thing I saw this morning when I looked at my phone. I almost pissed myself literally!! His smiling facial reactions just priceless. Great work again Mr Dutton. — Imsterhussey (@imsterhussey) June 16, 2020
V/O: "Previously, on 'The Real Government of Great Britain'…" — Mister Neutron (@iansco) June 16, 2020
He looks so happy and content watching that. 😂😂😂 — Kurt McBain (@KurtMcBain) June 16, 2020
We agree with Matt.
READ MORE
The end credits of the Golden Girls seem hilariously apt for the daily briefing
Source Darren Dutton Image Darren Dutton


thepoke--2020-06-16--10 funny things the pandemic has shown us

Where are we now with the coronavirus ?
Some of us are still indoors , some are in a mile-long @ @ @ @ @ and others are impatiently waiting for Greggs to release the list of branches it ’ @ @ @ @ @ Some people will do anything for a second date 2 .
Dark humour is getting @ @ @ @ @ 3 .
There are no excuses 4 .
Not everybody is following the science 5 @ @ @ @ @ skills 7 .
Richard Curtis has definitely got a coronavirus script on the go 8 @ @ @ @ @ our BMIs – be kind to yourselves

Twitter
Where are we now with the coronavirus? Some of us are still indoors, some are in a mile-long queue for a clothes shop and others are impatiently waiting for Greggs to release the list of branches it’s opening.
In the meantime …
1. Some people will do anything for a second date
(First date) Her: My favourite scene in Romeo and Juliet is when both of them die together. Me: *trying to impress her* I'm infected with Coronavirus. — karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) June 15, 2020
2. Dark humour is getting some of us through this
If you find a mask oppressive you are really going to hate an endotracheal tube — Mark Lewis (@marklewismd) June 13, 2020
3. There are no excuses
Yes New Zealand is doing a better job fighting the Coronavirus but the difference between them and us is New Zealand is an island. — joe heenan (@joeheenan) June 14, 2020
4. Not everybody is following the science
5. Some people have new skills
When lockdown started I was anxious, lonely, tired and stressed. Now I’m also good at darts. — Laura (@fairycakes) June 14, 2020
6. There’s always room for puns
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you? SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor. — GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) June 15, 2020
7. Richard Curtis has definitely got a coronavirus script on the go
8. Lockdown has conspired against our BMIs – be kind to yourselves
Exactly 12 weeks today since we went into lockdown. That’s incidentally the number of inches my waistline has increased by. — Tony Shepherd (@tonysheps) June 16, 2020
9. It’s good to celebrate the small victories
Me when I have an alcohol-free night during lockdown pic.twitter.com/6GeL37yVIp — Craig Deeley 🇪🇺🏳🌈 (@craiguito) June 16, 2020
10. Work smart, not hard
Don’t go shopping yet. You'll have to fight your way through the crowds of media reporting on shocking scenes of people going shopping. — paul bassett davies (@thewritertype) June 15, 2020
READ MORE
10 (partial) lockdown laughs to boost your spirits
Image @gray


thepoke--2020-06-16--‘Behold the headless student’

‘Behold the headless student’

This teacher played a trick on her students which was cruel – only a bit cruel – but very , very funny .
It went viral on Reddit after it was shared by memezzer and here are some of the things people said about it .
‘ Simple yet effective .
I will use this to traumatize my future kids.
’ Spooky_Unicorn ‘ I want to put some red paint inside the balloon so when it explodes it will be bloody hell kids.
’ ObnoxiousSoul ‘ That was absolutely horrible .
It ’ s like telling your kids you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rolling up to a burned down warehouse and saying NOO !
!
!
WHAT HAPPENED TO DISNEYLAND !
!
!
( you can use that one too if you like ) .
’ stumpdawg Could have been worse though .
Could have been what happened to this guy .
‘ I went to a camp as a child and one night they gathered us all to sit and see the punishment of some kid .
The kid was in on it the whole time and was the councilors kid or something .
Anyways @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him about how he didn ’ t wash his plate they setup an ultra realistic scene where they chopped off one of his fingers with an axe as punishment .
‘ All the kids went hysterical , crying and shouting .
They played it out perfect , fake blood etc .
We all thought it was 100 % real , it was super messed up .
The kid went off in a car to “ the hospital ” and we never saw him again .
We got told to never tell anyone about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ camp I guess a kid told his parents who complained against the camp and they sent out a letter apologising .
For weeks I thought it was real and could happen to me.
’ xenzor Tiny Tim ’ s baby-voiced prank call was comedy relief to this transport firm

Videos
This teacher played a trick on her students which was cruel – only a bit cruel – but very, very funny.
It went viral on Reddit after it was shared by memezzer and here are some of the things people said about it.
‘Simple yet effective. I will use this to traumatize my future kids.’ Spooky_Unicorn ‘I want to put some red paint inside the balloon so when it explodes it will be bloody hell kids.’ ObnoxiousSoul ‘That was absolutely horrible. It’s like telling your kids you’re taking them to Disney, then rolling up to a burned down warehouse and saying NOO!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO DISNEYLAND!!! (you can use that one too if you like).’ stumpdawg
Could have been worse though. Could have been what happened to this guy.
‘I went to a camp as a child and one night they gathered us all to sit and see the punishment of some kid. The kid was in on it the whole time and was the councilors kid or something. Anyways after about an hour if screaming at him about how he didn’t wash his plate they setup an ultra realistic scene where they chopped off one of his fingers with an axe as punishment. ‘All the kids went hysterical, crying and shouting. They played it out perfect, fake blood etc. We all thought it was 100% real, it was super messed up. The kid went off in a car to “the hospital” and we never saw him again. We got told to never tell anyone about it. ‘Only weeks after the camp I guess a kid told his parents who complained against the camp and they sent out a letter apologising. For weeks I thought it was real and could happen to me.’ xenzor
READ MORE
Tiny Tim’s baby-voiced prank call was comedy relief to this transport firm
H/T Reddit u/memezzer Source YouTube


thepoke--2020-06-16--‘Bubonic Plague’ guy wins facepalm of the week

Facepalm of the week .
Don ’ t actually touch your face with your palm , though .
Just do @ @ @ @ @ plague still exists throughout the world .
I saw a sign in Yellowstone Nat Park @ @ @ @ @ not to feed or interact with the local squirrels or rodents because they have been @ @ @ @ @ ” .
’ B4dG04t ‘ You can still get it now and there have been @ @ @ @ @ throughout history.
’ phunwithphysics201 ‘ The bubonic plague still exists today and it is treated @ @ @ @ @ ’ t33j4f

Facepalm of the week. Don’t actually touch your face with your palm, though. Just do the motion.
‘Bubonic plague still exists throughout the world. I saw a sign in Yellowstone Nat Park (USA) that said not to feed or interact with the local squirrels or rodents because they have been found to carry “Plague”.’ B4dG04t
‘You can still get it now and there have been multiple smaller outbreaks of it throughout history.’ phunwithphysics201
‘The bubonic plague still exists today and it is treated with antibiotics not a vaccine.’ t33j4f


thepoke--2020-06-16--A cabinet minister’s 5-word response to Marcus Rashford’s free school meals plea had the entire inte

A cabinet minister’s 5-word response to Marcus Rashford’s free school meals plea had the entire internet shaking its head

You ’ ll probably have seen by now footballer Marcus Rashford ’ s campaign for free school meals .
The Manchester United and England star wants the government to extend its free school meals voucher system for low-income families over the summer holiday period , a campaign which has so far been rejected by Boris Johnson .
Here ’ s what Rashford said on Twitter today .
And it got overwhelming support from lots of people , as you ’ ll see from all the times it ’ s been shared .
Not from Therese Coffey , though , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s secretary of state for work and pensions .
Here ’ s the entirety of what she had to say in response to Rashford ’ s campaign on Twitter today .
There ’ s tone deaf , there ’ s missing the point … and then there ’ s Therese Coffey .
Here are are just a few of the things people were saying about it today .
Here ’ s what Rashford had to say in response .
We look forward to reading her reply .
While we wait , here @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had to say about Rashford ’ s campaign .
And here ’ s what was written , sorry , what she said later on Twitter .
3 pro footballers taking on 100 children is just a fantastic watch

News
You’ll probably have seen by now footballer Marcus Rashford’s campaign for free school meals.
The Manchester United and England star wants the government to extend its free school meals voucher system for low-income families over the summer holiday period, a campaign which has so far been rejected by Boris Johnson.
Here’s what Rashford said on Twitter today.
1. When you wake up this morning and run your shower, take a second to think about parents who have had their water turned off during lockdown #maketheuturn — Marcus Rashford (@MarcusRashford) June 16, 2020
2. When you turn on your kettle to make a cup of tea or coffee think of those parents who have had to default on electricity bill payments just to make ends meet having lost their jobs during the pandemic#maketheuturn — Marcus Rashford (@MarcusRashford) June 16, 2020
3. And when you head to the fridge to grab the milk, stop and recognise that parents of at least 200,000 children across the country this morning are waking up to empty shelving #maketheuturn — Marcus Rashford (@MarcusRashford) June 16, 2020
4. Recognise children around the country are this morning innocently questioning ‘why?’ 9 out of 30 children in any given classroom are today asking ‘why?’ ‘Why does our future not matter?’ #maketheuturn — Marcus Rashford (@MarcusRashford) June 16, 2020
And it got overwhelming support from lots of people, as you’ll see from all the times it’s been shared.
Not from Therese Coffey, though, the Conservative MP who is also Boris Johnson’s secretary of state for work and pensions. Here’s the entirety of what she had to say in response to Rashford’s campaign on Twitter today.
‘Water cannot be disconnected though’
There’s tone deaf, there’s missing the point … and then there’s Therese Coffey. Here are are just a few of the things people were saying about it today.
Therese Coffey proving that it's never too early in the day to be a sack of shit. #maketheUturn pic.twitter.com/yM1fiqRocy — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) June 16, 2020
Go Therese! I remember when you voted against an amendment to force landlords to maintain homes as 'fit for human habitation'. You stick to your guns babe. — Mark ne-Francois-pas MP (@MarkFrancois12) June 16, 2020
What about his main point, that families are already struggling and extending vouchers to cover the summer would show the govt is doing 'whatever it takes' to help those in real need in this pandemic? — Paul Waugh (@paulwaugh) June 16, 2020
https://twitter.com/Haggis_UK/status/1272796608887955457?s=20
I’ve never worked as a political strategist, but I’d suggest this is perhaps not the best way to respond to a steamrollering public campaign with a strong emotional component https://t.co/O5lCeUzLzO — Alan White (@aljwhite) June 16, 2020
I can only assume Therese Coffey is trying to help out Grant Shapps — currently doing media round defending no summer free meals for children — by soaking up some of the flak herself — John Crace (@JohnJCrace) June 16, 2020
This is the response of the Secretary of State responsible for welfare and benefits to @MarcusRashford’s call to help those in extreme poverty? https://t.co/W3p6AUska2 — Jonathan Bartley (@jon_bartley) June 16, 2020
Coffey claimed £179k expenses in 2018/19. I doubt she needs to worry about hot water.#schoolmeals4summer — Sean Davids (@MancTotter) June 16, 2020
Here’s what Rashford had to say in response.
I’m concerned this is the only tweet of mine you acknowledged. Please, put rivalries aside for a second, and make a difference #maketheuturn — Marcus Rashford (@MarcusRashford) June 16, 2020
We look forward to reading her reply. While we wait, here are a few things other people have had to say about Rashford’s campaign.
The people arguing that hungry British children should be denied help in the school holidays seem to be *exactly the same people* that argue we should ‘help our own’ instead of sending money to countries suffering from famine.
I’m beginning to think they’re not very honest. — James O’Brien (@mrjamesob) June 15, 2020
The plea @MarcusRashford is making comes from a place of terrible experience. Extending free school meals across the summer isn’t just some nice add on; it’s vital for millions of children mired in poverty and at risk of going hungry. #maketheUturn https://t.co/5XE8rtideo — Jay Rayner (@jayrayner1) June 16, 2020
I didn’t think I could love Marcus Rashford more but here it is https://t.co/4FRXL594Jf — Tiffany Stevenson (@tiffstevenson) June 15, 2020
UPDATE
And here’s what was written, sorry, what she said later on Twitter.
Hi @MarcusRashford, I welcome your passion for supporting children and the most vulnerable in society – a passion we share. We are working to the same aim. I & this Govt will continue to actively help and support families and businesses through this emergency and beyond — Therese Coffey #ProtectEachOtherSaveLives (@theresecoffey) June 16, 2020
@MarcusRashford We supported people renting and ensure they cannot be evicted & intervened with electricity suppliers on bills. We have kept schools open for vulnerable children and those of key workers. We will continue to support the economy and help all of us get through this — Therese Coffey #ProtectEachOtherSaveLives (@theresecoffey) June 16, 2020
READ MORE
3 pro footballers taking on 100 children is just a fantastic watch
Images screengrab screengrab


thepoke--2020-06-16--“I don’t have money to buy food and my third grader really wants a computer”

This chancer tried to get a computer at less than half the asking price with a sob story about a divorce and young child , but the tale didn ’ t stack up .
The choosing beggar started politely , but quickly resorted to an insultingly low offer .
While the seller remained calm , the prospective customer had obviously decided brashness was a winning tactic .
She tried one last tactic .
The unconvincing grift drew a lot of comments from Redditors , none of which were complimentary .
And a third grader is so knowledgeable that he knows @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you used in building your computer .
wind-river7 J_Hemphill wasn ’ t buying any of it – the beggar ’ s sob story , that is , not the computer components .
“ This is a scummy businessman stringing buzzwords together to berate you into under-pricing your rig so he can strip it and resell it piecemeal .
There is no kid , there is no divorce , there is no financial trouble.
” It ’ s come to something when you can ’ t trust strangers on the internet anymore .
This @ @ @ @ @ @ @ couldn ’ t work with a broken arm

Pics
This chancer tried to get a computer at less than half the asking price with a sob story about a divorce and young child, but the tale didn’t stack up.
The choosing beggar started politely, but quickly resorted to an insultingly low offer.
While the seller remained calm, the prospective customer had obviously decided brashness was a winning tactic.
She was wrong.
She tried one last tactic.
via Gfycat
The unconvincing grift drew a lot of comments from Redditors, none of which were complimentary.
And a third grader is so knowledgeable that he knows all about all of the components that you used in building your computer.
wind-river7
Can’t afford food but will spend 450 on a PC. Bad priorities
snafu2922
I wouldn’t argue. When she said “450 take it or leave it” I’d respond with “leave it”.
Zoreb1
Ma’am could you put your third grader on, I think I might have a more sensible conversation that way.
KungFuSpoon
J_Hemphill wasn’t buying any of it – the beggar’s sob story, that is, not the computer components.
“This is a scummy businessman stringing buzzwords together to berate you into under-pricing your rig so he can strip it and resell it piecemeal. There is no kid, there is no divorce, there is no financial trouble.”
It’s come to something when you can’t trust strangers on the internet anymore.
READ MORE
This choosing beggar was furious that a contractor couldn’t work with a broken arm
Source r/ChoosingBeggars Image r/ChoosingBeggars @alexhaney on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-06-18--If these 19 dogs wearing bread masks don’t put a smile on your face – nothing will

Over on Instagram , using hashtags including # breadface , people have been sharing photos of their good boys and @ @ @ @ @ slices of bread – as you do .
It ’ s silly , it ’ @ @ @ @ @ most importantly – it ’ s got nothing to do with the news .

Pics
Over on Instagram, using hashtags including #breadface, people have been sharing photos of their good boys and girls wearing masks made from slices of bread – as you do.
It’s silly, it’s funny, and – most importantly – it’s got nothing to do with the news.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.


thepoke--2020-06-18--Stephen King had the best response to Trump’s claim that the “1917 flu” ended the First World War

History has never been Donald Trump ‘ s strong point ; in fact , we ’ re still waiting for @ @ @ @ @ He has previously claimed that Americans took control of the airports during the 1770s , @ @ @ @ @ had a shared heritage dating back thousands of years to Ancient Rome , and now @ @ @ @ @ concluded that the 1918 flu pandemic ( or 1917 in Trump World ) was responsible @ @ @ @ @ War .
Although we ’ ve heard him say this before , it seems astonishing @ @ @ @ @ repeating .
Of all the reactions we saw , this one from Stephen King seemed @ @ @ @ @ to be said .

Videos
History has never been Donald Trump‘s strong point; in fact, we’re still waiting for one to present itself.
He has previously claimed that Americans took control of the airports during the 1770s, that the US and Italy had a shared heritage dating back thousands of years to Ancient Rome, and now – he seems to have concluded that the 1918 flu pandemic (or 1917 in Trump World) was responsible for ending the First World War.
The President again claims the “1917 flu” ended World War 1 pic.twitter.com/NIcUyb2Vt3 — Acyn Torabi (@Acyn) June 18, 2020
Although we’ve heard him say this before, it seems astonishing that he thinks it bears repeating.
I feel like I say this a lot, but y'all really did vote for one of the dumbest motherfuckers in this country. No. Spanish Flu didn't end WWI. Historians recognize the failure of the Schlieffen plan as the primary reason for Germany's defeat. https://t.co/4Urkbfu0jR pic.twitter.com/pwoZAzw0bm — Shane Morris (@IamShaneMorris) June 18, 2020
Hannity: Mmm hmm https://t.co/cHmwTpJQda — Bad Fox Graphics (@BadFoxGraphics) June 18, 2020
Trump said, “The Spanish flu of 1917 ended World War I.” How can anyone make these many mistakes, egregious mistakes, in 1 fucking sentence? How? Where does he get this stuff? #VeryStableImbecile — Tahar (@laseptiemewilay) May 4, 2020
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 This deep fake video of Trump saying the Spanish Flu ended World War I is hysterical! 🤣 [checks notes] Fuck off. It’s real??? 😳 pic.twitter.com/mg5s6Da5Ml — Extroverted Introvert (@JustJaggers) May 4, 2020
All I know for sure is that it devastated the airports of the revolutionary war It’s incredible how stupid this man is https://t.co/qUucRu5xCi — Angry Staffer (@AngrierWHStaff) May 4, 2020
Of all the reactions we saw, this one from Stephen King seemed to say everything that needed to be said.
Trump just said the Spanish Flu ended World War I in 1917. I've said it before: if brains were black powder, Donald Trump couldn't blow his nose. — Stephen King (@StephenKing) May 4, 2020
READ MORE
Trump was relentlessly mocked for ridiculous 911 claims – 21 hilarious #LostTrumpHistory “facts”
Source @Acyn Image screengrab,


thepoke--2020-06-18--‘Local idiot gets gently corrected’

‘Local idiot gets gently corrected’

The takedown of this sceptic unconvinced by the merits of wearing a mask during the pandemic is a very satisfying @ @ @ @ @ the words of jaytix1 who shared it on Reddit : ‘ Local idiot gets gently @ @ @ @ @ heard there ’ s millions of bacteria living in my digestive tract .
How the @ @ @ @ @ out.
’ sharrkzilla ‘ It was already in your body !
How are people this @ @ @ @ @ ?
What ?
It was expelled from you !
It is on everything you fucking @ @ @ @ @ is why we have soap.
’ n0eticF0x

Weird World
The takedown of this sceptic unconvinced by the merits of wearing a mask during the pandemic is a very satisfying read.
Or, in the words of jaytix1 who shared it on Reddit: ‘Local idiot gets gently corrected.’
‘Imagine being afraid of yourself.’ Quinntanium ‘Bro I heard there’s millions of bacteria living in my digestive tract. How the fuck do I get them out.’ sharrkzilla ‘It was already in your body! How are people this dumb? How? Why? What? It was expelled from you! It is on everything you fucking own you idiot! This is why we have soap.’ n0eticF0x
READ MORE
‘Bubonic Plague’ guy wins facepalm of the week
Source Reddit u/jaytix1


thepoke--2020-06-18--Fox News hilariously mistook a Monty Python reference for dissent among the protest ranks

A Fox News report on the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone in Seattle – an occupation-style protest – turned a little @ @ @ @ @ Martha MacCallum , read out what she thought was a genuine comment from a protester @ @ @ @ @ that – well , not the only problem – is that it was actually a @ @ @ @ @ and the Holy Grail , causing John Cleese to post this .
In fairness , @ @ @ @ @ money on Fox News being the brand least likely to be au fait with the @ @ @ @ @ The Goddamn Batman thought they ’ d spotted something else Pythonesque recently .
Just because @ @ @ @ @ , here ’ s a longer version of the Holy Grail clip .
Someone has @ @ @ @ @ for the pandemic – and it ’ s just glorious

Twitter
A Fox News report on the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone in Seattle – an occupation-style protest – turned a little surreal when the newscaster, Martha MacCallum, read out what she thought was a genuine comment from a protester.
The only problem with that – well, not the only problem – is that it was actually a joke reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail, causing John Cleese to post this.
In fairness, we’d have put money on Fox News being the brand least likely to be au fait with the works of Monty Python.
Twitter loved the embarrassing gaffe.
Fox News fell for a Monty Python joke on Reddit lmao pic.twitter.com/Yo34yuQvlD — Josh Billinson (@jbillinson) June 13, 2020
This is too fucking good! @FoxNews anchor inadvertently reads Monty Python dialogue from "The Holy Grail" thinking it was real discord between anarchists in the #CHAZ pic.twitter.com/PHmnuYO3PU — Franklin López (@Franklin__Lopez) June 15, 2020
I don’t expect Martha MacCallum or anyone at Fox News to get Monty Python references but I do expect them to like, google shit that sounds a little bit off, actually no I don’t. This is as pure as the OANN correspondent thinking Dave from 2001 A Space Odyssey is the covid lab guy https://t.co/tg6YfpERPC — Matt HOST OF HARDBALL AT 7PM ON MSNBC Negrin (@MattNegrin) June 13, 2020
Delicious. Wait til they hear about the sinister Knights who say Ni behind the antifa movement. 👍🇨🇦 — Alex J Reeves (@GrtWhtNrthAlex) June 15, 2020
The Goddamn Batman thought they’d spotted something else Pythonesque recently.
Between this and Trump attempting to get a grant from the Ministry of Silly Walks I wonder what's next. — The Goddamn Batman (@GoddamnBatman39) June 15, 2020
It would explain a lot.
Just because it’s absolutely brilliant, here’s a longer version of the Holy Grail clip.
READ MORE
Someone has updated this Monty Python scene for the pandemic – and it’s just glorious
Source John Cleese Image Fox News screengrab, Trafalgar Releasing screengrab


thepoke--2020-06-18--A bigoted bride tried to cancel her photographer for supporting Black Lives Matter and the response

A bigoted bride tried to cancel her photographer for supporting Black Lives Matter and the response was picture perfect

A screenshot of an exchange between wedding photographer , Shakira Rochelle , and an outraged bride has gone viral because @ @ @ @ @ to deal with a bigot .
The post was picked up by Bored Panda , @ @ @ @ @ lot of love and no doubt helped drive its numbers even higher , as it @ @ @ @ @ a million times .
This is the Instagram post shared by Shakira , which drew @ @ @ @ @ the bride .

Popular
A screenshot of an exchange between wedding photographer, Shakira Rochelle, and an outraged bride has gone viral because it illustrates the perfect way to deal with a bigot.
The post was picked up by Bored Panda, who gave the story a lot of love and no doubt helped drive its numbers even higher, as it’s now been liked a million times.
This is the Instagram post shared by Shakira, which drew such a poor reaction from the bride.


thepoke--2020-06-18--Boris Johnson’s official plane is to be repainted at a cost of almost £1 million – the 9 best reacti

Boris Johnson’s official plane is to be repainted at a cost of almost £1 million – the 9 best reactions

Nothing says “ priorities ” quite like spending £900,000 giving your official plane a makeover when people are struggling to @ @ @ @ @ jobs and becoming mired in debt .
Piers Morgan summed it up with just the @ @ @ @ @ The news didn ’ t surprise tweeters , but it did offer them the opportunity @ @ @ @ @ .
Paul Potter had a great idea to save him – or the taxpayers – @ @ @ @ @ Marcus Rashford just scored a stunning school meals victory over Boris Johnson – 13 favourite @ @ @ @ @

Twitter
Nothing says “priorities” quite like spending £900,000 giving your official plane a makeover when people are struggling to pay bills, losing their jobs and becoming mired in debt.
Piers Morgan summed it up with just the right amount of sarcasm.
Great news that Boris Johnson is spending £900k of taxpayers' money to paint his official plane in Union flag colours. I can’t think of anything more important for the Prime Minister to be spending our cash on in these happy prosperous times. 👏👏 — Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) June 17, 2020
The news didn’t surprise tweeters, but it did offer them the opportunity to post these stunning takedowns.
1.
Why are we paying £900,000 for a red white and blue plane when the world already knows we’re bellends — James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 17, 2020
2.
You have to salute Boris Johnson who's spending £100,000 taxpayers money on having his RAF plane painted with a union jack because 'he doesn't like it being grey'. That guy certainly knows how to steer a country through a crisis. — Otto English (@Otto_English) June 17, 2020
3.
Boris Johnson has just spent £900,000 on decorating a plane https://t.co/WK4HUz62v3 — Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) June 17, 2020
4.
Let me get this straight – the image we want to give the world is that we're a country that will spend £900,000 repainting a plane? Just in case other governments have a bridge to sell us? — Henry Mance (@henrymance) June 17, 2020
5.
6.
This would probably go down better in a week they hadn’t spent fighting against feeding hungry vulnerable kids https://t.co/SdEE9mim5P — James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 17, 2020
7.
My son found out that he was being made redundant from his first ever job last week. Lockdown cut-backs. Can't wait to tell him about the red, white and blue plane. That'll REALLY cheer him up. — Tom Sutcliffe (@tds153) June 17, 2020
8.
The £900,000 contract to paint the RAF plane was awarded by Chris Grayling to a fishing tackle shop in Walsall after an undertaker in Batley withdrew. — Peter Smith (@Redpeter99) June 17, 2020
9.
"Its a bird"
"Its a plane"
"Oh fuck its the british" — Dr Benjamin Janaway (@drjanaway) June 17, 2020
Paul Potter had a great idea to save him – or the taxpayers – a lot of money.
BORIS, why not have the plane painted red, with any old bollocks on the sides of it? It worked with that bus. @TwopTwips #BorisPlane — Paul Potter 💾 🇬🇧🇪🇺 ☢☣ (@wisteela) June 17, 2020
READ MORE
Marcus Rashford just scored a stunning school meals victory over Boris Johnson – 13 favourite things people said about it
Image @BetaRish


thepoke--2020-06-17--The twist in this clip of a guy being pulled over by the cops is making everyone’s day better

This woman had some big news for her partner but rather than telling him straight she decided to give it @ @ @ @ @ razzle dazzle .
By employing some friendly police officers to give her a helping hand @ @ @ @ @ th watch .
It went viral – wildly viral – and here are just some @ @ @ @ @ saying about it .
This man wading into a pond to retrieve his dog is @ @ @ @

Videos
This woman had some big news for her partner but rather than telling him straight she decided to give it a bit of the old razzle dazzle.
She did this by employing some friendly police officers to give her a helping hand and it’s quite the watch, it really is.
My man was pulled over. I needed this… pic.twitter.com/gAjkE5z8Fr — Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) June 17, 2020
Nearly gave us a heart attack, never mind him. Here are just some of the things people were saying about it.
We all needed that! — Michael Kelly (@michaeljkellyjr) June 17, 2020
Me when nothing went wrong. pic.twitter.com/0LA0geRdwS — Danny Davis 🏀M 0-0 🏀W 0-0 🏈 0-0 (@DannyDa27021564) June 17, 2020
Yeah, wives DON'T DO THIS He had some serious nervous laughter — BlackPanthro (@damon77049) June 17, 2020
That was so cool. We need more Cops like Todd.. — ..Mike "Real Men Wear Mask" Regan.. (@Regan0002112) June 17, 2020
READ MORE
This man wading into a pond to retrieve his dog is a very funny watch
Source @TheoShantonas H/T @RexChapman


thepoke--2020-06-17--This man wading into a pond to retrieve his dog is a very funny watch

This video of a man wading into a pond to retrieve his dog has gone wildly viral because , well @ @ @ @ @ to have to watch it for yourself .
The contrasting emotions of the man – @ @ @ @ @ quite something .
The look on the second dog ’ s face is sheer perfection

Videos
This video of a man wading into a pond to retrieve his dog has gone wildly viral because, well, you’re going to have to watch it for yourself.
The contrasting emotions of the man – and the dog – is quite something.
Man reluctantly gets into pond. pic.twitter.com/1YVaWitfMz — Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) June 17, 2020
Wonderful.
The way that man walks tells you he’s had to do this before. Dog equivalent of a small child at the back of a Bouncy Castle. — J Goddard (@jengoddard2) June 17, 2020
Thank you so much, that made me laugh out loud for the 1st time in a long time — penalisedsaver (@penalisedsaver) June 17, 2020
I had to wade into a stream to retrieve my border collie who had been biting at a tiny waterfall thing for 90 mins. I feel this guy’s pain — Michael (@BlueMerleBill) June 17, 2020
I love the slow, tired walk of resignation. I can almost hear him muttering “every sodding time…” 😆 — Dave Williams (@DevilValleyCelt) June 17, 2020
Pure joy on the dogs face. Delightful. 😁 — Nom De Plume🐨 (@nomdeplume42) June 17, 2020
Took this yesterday, it’s a happy dog thing, picks his ball up when he’d done pic.twitter.com/eOmZ0Qwg7q — Graham Brown (@vintvinylshop) June 17, 2020
READ MORE
The look on the second dog’s face is sheer perfection
Source @DickKingSmith Imgur


thepoke--2020-06-17--This extraordinary account of ‘luxury lockdown in Kensington’ is really raising hackles

To the Financial Times , which has been getting a lot of attention today with this person ’ s account @ @ @ @ @ of my luxury lockdown in Kensington.
’ It ’ s in a section called FT @ @ @ @ @ a hint of what to expect .
Except , when you read it , it @ @ @ @ @ .
You can read the whole thing here but here ’ s just a flavour @ @ @ @ @ the bit about online tutoring .
Anyway , that ’ s enough already .
Here @ @ @ @ @ things people were saying about it .
Just in case you want to be more @ @ @ @ @ , here ’ s the link again .
The whole internet is lolling at Amanda @ @ @ @ @ hippy diet of 50 foods you ’ ve never heard of

Weird World
To the Financial Times, which has been getting a lot of attention today with this person’s account of ‘The awkward lessons of my luxury lockdown in Kensington.’
It’s in a section called FT Wealth so that gives you a hint of what to expect. Except, when you read it, it still takes the breath away.
You can read the whole thing here but here’s just a flavour.
And then there was the bit about the challenges of – and solutions to – homeschooling.
Anyway, that’s enough already. Here are just some of the things people were saying about it.
hats off to @FT for having the nerve to publish this https://t.co/YGZuNpxYOB — Anne Applebaum (@anneapplebaum) June 17, 2020
This is astonishing. Thought it was a spoof at first: "The awkward lessons of my luxury lockdown in Kensington" https://t.co/pCi0x7N5Vj — Michael Hogan (@michaelhogan) June 17, 2020
I quite like this as an actual honest portrayal of how utterly disconnected the super wealthy are. Also I read it in a Smita Smitten voice, so that helped https://t.co/pxD0v4Vu1B — Coco Khan (@cocobyname) June 17, 2020
The Financial Times’ new hate read section is great, real commitment to the character. https://t.co/1wJ3eicFNX pic.twitter.com/ohbC22XxEo — Jim Waterson (@jimwaterson) June 17, 2020
This is, by some considerable distance, the best piece I’ve read about the virus in the last four months. It’s an absolute masterpiece.https://t.co/2rfIRcLOkv — Karl Brophy (@KarlBrophy) June 17, 2020
Just in case you want to be more angry than you already are, here’s the link again.
READ MORE
The whole internet is lolling at Amanda Chantal Bacon’s pretentious hippy diet of 50 foods you’ve never heard of
Source FT


thepoke--2020-06-17--People are delighted by the young Warwick Davis in  this clip from “Return of the Ewok”

Back in 1982 , the late , great David Tomblin directed a short mockumentary , Return of the Ewok , @ @ @ @ @ how Warwick Davis had bagged the role of Wicket .
It was never released , @ @ @ @ @ recently resurfaced on Twitter .
The quality isn ’ t great , but it ’ @ @ @ @ @ .
If you thought the non-Star Wars music was familiar , it comes from another @ @ @ @ @ .
Although Warwick hasn ’ t responded , Mark Hamill certainly remembered it .
Mark @ @ @ @ @ for how he looks in this old photo Source Lady Hamster Debra Image Star Wars @ @ @ @ @ Jedi screengrab

Videos
Back in 1982, the late, great David Tomblin directed a short mockumentary, Return of the Ewok, supposedly telling the story of how Warwick Davis had bagged the role of Wicket.
It was never released, but a section of it recently resurfaced on Twitter.
The quality isn’t great, but it’s well worth a watch.
Warwick Davis has such a sweet voice here.
Both nostalgic and hilarious
“Come back Ewok. Come Back Ewok!” Any memories of this, Mark @HamillHimself and @WarwickADavis ? pic.twitter.com/iIINvGpSmY — Lady Hamster Debra (@ponygal1986) June 15, 2020
If you thought the non-Star Wars music was familiar, it comes from another Warwick Davis classic, Willow.
Although Warwick hasn’t responded, Mark Hamill certainly remembered it.
This is from "Return of the Ewok" a featurette written & directed by 1st Assistant Director David Tomblin. Made during our breaks while filming "Return of the Jedi" for publicity, it was never officially released. Sadly, this clip is the most I've ever seen of it. #TrueStory https://t.co/VamfX1vRp6 — Mark Hamill (@HamillHimself) June 16, 2020
Twitter loved it – naturally.
Oh. My. God. What the hell is this and also I'm in love with it. https://t.co/x3gyRPrPeV — mktoon (@mktoon) June 16, 2020
This is the Star Wars/Willow mash-up I never knew I needed but am now going to watch a million times. https://t.co/Ioif2J7pLv — awesomejeninMN (@awesomejeninmn) June 17, 2020
We’ll leave the final word to Mark Hamill.
How could I forget?! — Mark Hamill (@HamillHimself) June 16, 2020
How, indeed.
from Carrie Fisher GIFs via Gfycat
READ MORE
Mark Hamill had the best explanation for how he looks in this old photo
Source Lady Hamster Debra Image Star Wars: The Return of the Jedi screengrab


thepoke--2020-06-17--This teacher’s thread went viral because it shows why Marcus Rashford’s win was so important

You ’ ll know by now all about the government ’ s food voucher U-turn after the amazing campaign by @ @ @ @ @ teacher ’ s thread went viral today because it shows just how important his win @ @ @ @ @ will mean to many , many children across the country .
And just a few @ @ @ @ @ about it .
Boris Johnson said he ’ d not heard of Marcus Rashford ’ @ @ @ @ @ before – only 5 replies you need

Pics
You’ll know by now all about the government’s food voucher U-turn after the amazing campaign by footballer Marcus Rashford.
This teacher’s thread went viral today because it shows just how important his win was, and what it will mean to many, many children across the country.
A 13 yr old boy in my tutor group called Sinan once started crying because he’d lost his pound during the day. He was upset because that was his dinner. Without it he’d have to wait until school breakfast club the next day for a meal… 1/5 — Nicola Garrard 🏳🌈 BLM (@nmgarrard) June 16, 2020
My tutor group had one of the best attendance/punctuality rates because I had a toaster in my classroom (not PAT tested and eventually confiscated) I made toast & butter & jam for my boys on normal mornings, and brought in fruit & brioche on GCSE exam mornings. 2/5 — Nicola Garrard 🏳🌈 BLM (@nmgarrard) June 16, 2020
A lot of boys would find Fridays and the last day of term the worst time because they’d have to wait until school started again to eat properly. 70% of the boys at my school were eligible for free school meals. 3/5 — Nicola Garrard 🏳🌈 BLM (@nmgarrard) June 16, 2020
They were always generous. They’d share food in the canteen and split break time pizza baguette slices three, four ways. As a young teacher, I soon realised I didn’t need the rewards and sanctions system to keep kids working and well behaved. I just needed biscuits. 4/5 — Nicola Garrard 🏳🌈 BLM (@nmgarrard) June 16, 2020
So back to Sinan and his lost pound… Another boy – not a friend of his – covertly flicked a pound coin out of his pocket and said, ‘Here it is, I found it.’ He knew what that pound meant. @MarcusRashford has just done that for 1.3m kids. #HolidaysWithoutHunger 5/5 — Nicola Garrard 🏳🌈 BLM (@nmgarrard) June 16, 2020
And just a few of the things people said about it.
Thank you for your compassion and what you have done.. My partner works in a primary school and they don't have non uniform day because they know that a lot of the kid's can't afford to bring in £1, 😢😢 — Silverfox (@Silverf20038328) June 17, 2020
I was fortunate enough never to miss meals as a child. It wasn’t until I took a diploma in education at a maori college that I heard about teachers bringing a loaf of bread to class each day… it horrifies me that this is still necessary in a modern classroom. — Mark Cross🇬🇧🇪🇺🇳🇿🔸 (@ThatGuyFromUK) June 17, 2020
When I worked in a secondary school on the pastoral/behaviour team it was clear many of the children I was dealing with never got breakfast. I soon kept a supply of breakfast biscuits in my desk drawer, paid for out of my own pocket. No idea how many lunches I paid for as well. — Georgina (@gs_mick) June 16, 2020
Thank you for the care and difference you made and make. Xx — Wendy Beech-Ward (@wendybeechward) June 16, 2020
Please read thread https://t.co/7fUPJvvV3Q — Paul B Lyons. (@plyons45) June 17, 2020
READ MORE
Boris Johnson said he’d not heard of Marcus Rashford’s campaign until the day before – only 5 replies you need
Source @nmgarrard


thepoke--2020-06-17--‘Pulp’ doing the theme tune to Danger Mouse is simply sublime

This is brilliantly done by @ maclockdown , his take on the Danger Mouse theme tune , done in the @ @ @ @ @ Pulp .
Yes , there ’ s more where that came from .
Lots more @ @ @ @ @ times ’ sake .
Follow @ maclockdown on Twitter here !
And on YouTube here @ @ @ @ @ Talking Heads ’ Once In A Lifetime is hilariously weird

Videos
This is brilliantly done by @maclockdown, his take on the Danger Mouse theme tune, done in the style of Jarvis Cocker and Pulp.
Bona fide national treasure @RealPaulPutner requested a Jarvis Cocker, and as I can't say no to him here's Pulp doing Danger Mouse. pic.twitter.com/xQpmXQ2FSq — Darrell Maclaine (@maclockdown) June 16, 2020
Good grief! That’s wonderful.
Start your day with Jarvis doing Danger Mouse. Joy. https://t.co/vn3Azs8UaE — Julia Raeside (@JNRaeside) June 17, 2020
This is a niche genre that I can get right behind. https://t.co/OidKMb9hWr — Chris Catalyst (@ChrisCatalyst) June 16, 2020
Sensational. I think this might be the one that's made me laugh the most. https://t.co/FnK4NjE1c8 — Bob Fischer (@Bob_Fischer) June 16, 2020
Yes, there’s more where that came from. Lots more.
And just for old times’ sake.
Follow @maclockdown on Twitter here! And on YouTube here!
READ MORE
Donald Trump singing The Talking Heads’ Once In A Lifetime is hilariously weird
Source @maclockdown


thepoke--2020-06-17--Someone’s sex-swapped Boris Johnson and his Cabinet and it’s not a Priti sight

If ever there was a thread to be filed under ‘ once seen , never unseen ’ , then it @ @ @ @ @ .
It ’ s @ DefenceDailyUK over on Twitter who used FaceApp to swap the @ @ @ @ @ his Cabinet and , well , you ’ re just going to have to look @ @ @ @ @ Priti Patel ’ s the winner , and we never thought we ’ d say @ @ @ @ @ gender-swap filter on MPs and it ’ s as bad as you ’ d expect

Pics
If ever there was a thread to be filed under ‘once seen, never unseen’, then it’s surely this one.
It’s @DefenceDailyUK over on Twitter who used FaceApp to swap the sexes of Boris Johnson and his Cabinet and, well, you’re just going to have to look at it for yourselves.
The British Cabinet if they were the opposite sex (Thread) Beatrice Johnson pic.twitter.com/MvBryLU0pV — Defence Daily (@DefenceDailyUK) June 16, 2020
Priti Patel’s the winner, and we never thought we’d say that.
READ MORE
Somebody used the gender-swap filter on MPs and it’s as bad as you’d expect
Source @DefenceDailyUK


thepoke--2020-06-17--Non-essential shops have opened and people are queuing up to joke about it – our 16 favourites

After three months of only being able to buy things they really need – which definitely includes chocolate , crisps @ @ @ @ @ England have been given the gift of non-essential shopping …and queues .
Twitter ’ s @ @ @ @ @ to the new rules – and these are the best we ’ ve seen so @ @

Twitter
After three months of only being able to buy things they really need – which definitely includes chocolate, crisps and alcohol – shoppers in England have been given the gift of non-essential shopping …and queues.
Oh, the queues.
Twitter’s funny people have been reacting to the new rules – and these are the best we’ve seen so far.
1.
My brain contemplating going to a busy clothes shop today pic.twitter.com/ZTXJ8twgC8 — tom jamieson (@jamiesont) June 15, 2020
2.
People shouting at each other in the face in the supermarket about being less than 2m from each other Coronavirus: pic.twitter.com/g60qGMxsSJ — Dr Philip Lee (@drphiliplee1) June 15, 2020
3.
I never realised Extreme Shopping would be so popular — end of daves ❄ 🥕 🧻 (@davemacladd) June 15, 2020
4.
Just went to Primark, Sports Direct & the local shopping centre for the first time in months & I cannot believe what I managed to get! Covid-19. — Phlegm Clandango (@Cain_Unable) June 15, 2020
5.
Everyone but me was going the wrong way down the grocery aisle. — Just Bill (@WilliamAder) June 16, 2020
6.
I've been on Twitter for over 10 years but I think "It's your national civic duty to go shopping" is the most everyday dystopian thing I've seen yet. — You can call me Q (from a safe distance) (@QuintinForbes) June 15, 2020
7.
I see window shopping is back. pic.twitter.com/i4xNNN7tIU — Mr Roger Quimbly (@RogerQuimbly) June 15, 2020
8.
I haven’t been to the shops today, now they’ve reopened, and have no plans to visit them either. Mainly because that would involve me having to brush my hair and put on a bra. — Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 15, 2020
9.


thepoke--2020-06-19--Trump asked if the Supreme Court likes him and got exactly the response you’d expect

In his second humiliation at their hands in a few days , Donald Trump ‘ s dismantling of the scheme @ @ @ @ @ brought to the US illegally as children was overturned by the Supreme Court .
His @ @ @ @ @ accepting that the decision was purely legal and not personal .
Oh no , wait @ @ @ @ @ .
He probably should have thought twice before asking a question like that on Twitter @ @ @ @ @ at least some of these responses .
Huffington Post ’ s White House correspondent had @ @ @ @ @ President .
Donald Trump talked about an AIDS vaccine which doesn ’ t exist – @ @ @ @

Twitter
In his second humiliation at their hands in a few days, Donald Trump‘s dismantling of the scheme to protect people who were brought to the US illegally as children was overturned by the Supreme Court.
BREAKING: SCOTUS has ruled against trump's latest attempt to end DACA. This is a massive win for those children, and for decency. — BrooklynDad_Defiant! (@mmpadellan) June 18, 2020
His response was characteristically statesmanlike, accepting that the decision was purely legal and not personal. Oh no, wait – it wasn’t.
Do you get the impression that the Supreme Court doesn’t like me? — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 18, 2020
He probably should have thought twice before asking a question like that on Twitter.
You can probably predict at least some of these responses.
1.
nobody likes you — Jeff Tiedrich (@itsJeffTiedrich) June 18, 2020
2.
Ain’t life a motherfucker… Even when you load up the court with fellow corporate shills and women diddlers, you still can’t win. Thank God the promise to we made to 700,000 people still matters to some of us. https://t.co/RNdER1oM4g — Ron Perlman (@perlmutations) June 18, 2020
3.
Y'all. The president is a 7th grader. Wow. https://t.co/Wyp6IIN5uP — Luvvie is writing book 2 (@Luvvie) June 18, 2020
4.
No. I get the impression you're an idiot. https://t.co/hABJvdM1IA — Morgan J. Freeman (@mjfree) June 18, 2020
5.
At least he's being honest: the rule of law in trump terms is about who you like, not the law. https://t.co/pQRY4ptWBM — Sam Vinograd (@sam_vinograd) June 18, 2020
6.
Yes. They think you're a buffoon. All of them. https://t.co/c8UqqSKkOo — Lawrence O'Donnell (@Lawrence) June 18, 2020
7.
8.
Do you get the impression that the Jedi Council doesn't like me? — Death Star PR (@DeathStarPR) June 18, 2020
Huffington Post’s White House correspondent had these comforting words for the President.
READ MORE
Donald Trump talked about an AIDS vaccine which doesn’t exist – our 11 favourite reactions
Source Donald Trump Image ABC News


thepoke--2020-06-19--This Facebook murder by words was on fire – but the reactions made it even better

Each generation seems to think the one that comes after has it easier , and that ’ s not always true .
They also think useful skills are sacrificed on the altar of technology , which might be a bit true .
After spotting a news item about a dramatic rescue a few years ago , one Facebook user chipped in with what they thought was a slam dunk on the younger generations .
This was the story that grabbed their attention .
And this was their snarky reaction .
They can ’ t have been expecting such a comprehensive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s a thing of beauty .
Because we can , let ’ s take a closer look at that last part .
The mockery continued in the comments .
When I was a boy , we didn ’ t even have leaves , we had to use our own severed limbs and the mangled bodies of our siblings to write letters in blood , and we liked it !
anothernaturalone And we had to share the siblings between us !
we couldn ’ t have one each , oh no .
My Sister @ @ @ @ @ @ @ brother because our parents insisted .
Jonas1412jensen Oh yeah ?
Well we had it tough !
When I had to learn to spell , I had to chop my own head off , and use the blood from my neck as a Paint pot .
Then , using the hair on my head as a brush , I had to daub the word into boiling hot magma .
And the word was floccinaucinihilipilification .
davidshutter That ’ s how we did it in class back in the 80s .
If we had been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would make us use poison ivy leaves , and we thought we were lucky !
Cats-Ate-My-Pizza We have to agree with 99-94-C0-3B-7E-8B , who said If you were wondering where the Reddit users got their inspiration , it ’ s from this bit of comedy history .
Joe Lycett ’ s complaint to Pot Noodle was hilarious but their response made it even better

Popular
Each generation seems to think the one that comes after has it easier, and that’s not always true.
They also think useful skills are sacrificed on the altar of technology, which might be a bit true.
After spotting a news item about a dramatic rescue a few years ago, one Facebook user chipped in with what they thought was a slam dunk on the younger generations.
They were wrong.
This was the story that grabbed their attention.
And this was their snarky reaction.
They can’t have been expecting such a comprehensive clapback as this, but it’s a thing of beauty.
Because we can, let’s take a closer look at that last part.
from Burn GIFs via Gfycat
The mockery continued in the comments.
Ah yes learning how to spell the old fashioned way. By going to the beach and using leaves to write giant words.
juanCarlos92
When I was a boy, we didn’t even have leaves, we had to use our own severed limbs and the mangled bodies of our siblings to write letters in blood, and we liked it!
anothernaturalone
And we had to share the siblings between us! we couldn’t have one each, oh no. My Sister and I had to have the same brother because our parents insisted.
Jonas1412jensen
Oh yeah? Well we had it tough! When I had to learn to spell, I had to chop my own head off, and use the blood from my neck as a Paint pot. Then, using the hair on my head as a brush, I had to daub the word into boiling hot magma.
And the word was floccinaucinihilipilification.
davidshutter
Am I the only one who studied using dinosaurs blood and bones? Like I legit single handedly fought a dinosaur to get the materials. Absence of mobile networks and abundance of organic essential oil made us invincible.
atehate
That’s how we did it in class back in the 80s. If we had been bad in class that day the teacher would make us use poison ivy leaves, and we thought we were lucky!
Cats-Ate-My-Pizza
We have to agree with 99-94-C0-3B-7E-8B, who said
“Yeah this isn’t a murder. This is a triple homicide with the bodies incinerated.”
If you were wondering where the Reddit users got their inspiration, it’s from this bit of comedy history.
READ MORE
Joe Lycett’s complaint to Pot Noodle was hilarious but their response made it even better
Source r/MurderedByWords Image r/MurderedByWords, @austriannationallibrary on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-06-19--The government’s track and trace app doesn’t work – 8 savage takedowns

When the government unveiled its track and trace plan to control the spread of Covid-19 , they placed an app @ @ @ @ @ it , with an intended release date in May .
Boris Johnson described the system @ @ @ @ @ , in spite of there being no data to back that up , and the @ @ @ @ @ to June .
Now it ’ s June , and there ’ s no app @ @ @ @ @ daily briefing , Matt Hancock explained that their app doesn ’ t work and a @ @ @ @ @ with the cooperation of Apple and Google .
The statement didn ’ t chime well @ @ @ @ @ Bloom .
The fiasco led to these savage takedowns .
Anything has to be worth @ @ @ @ @ not happy at Matt Hancock ’ s horse racing announcement – these 7 won by @ @

Twitter
When the government unveiled its track and trace plan to control the spread of Covid-19, they placed an app squarely at the heart of it, with an intended release date in May.
Boris Johnson described the system as “world beating”, in spite of there being no data to back that up, and the app launch was pushed back to June.
Now it’s June, and there’s no app.
At Thursday’s daily briefing, Matt Hancock explained that their app doesn’t work and a different one is being developed with the cooperation of Apple and Google.
"We discovered a technical barrier" that every other country with track and trace apps has found, says Health Secretary Matt Hancock "Our app won't work because Apple won't change their system"https://t.co/b10HSyJ6Xq pic.twitter.com/dEYNBzGrWF — BBC News (UK) (@BBCNews) June 18, 2020
The statement didn’t chime well with political editor, Dan Bloom.
Matt Hancock today: "We backed both horses" – and worked on two apps at once. Department of Health told me in an on-record statement on May 18: "There is no alternative app." Doesn't look great on the face of it. Hope no one tells the guy who runs the Department of Health. — Dan Bloom (@danbloom1) June 18, 2020
The fiasco led to these savage takedowns.
1.
Who could have predicted that a government that got it so wrong on going into lockdown and PPE and protecting care homes and testing and getting kids back to school and everything else would have got it so wrong on the track and trace app. https://t.co/gqZs0W2LAA — David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 18, 2020
2.
really sorry to announce that my world beating app is not compatible with Apple or Android phones because it was developed on a ZX Spectrum — end of daves ❄ 🥕 🧻 (@davemacladd) June 18, 2020
3.
The government's latest track and trace app… YOU'VE GOT COVID! pic.twitter.com/DkzFjtDuP7 — SoliTrude (@Trudski2012) June 18, 2020
4.
If nothing else, I'm at least going to set an all time record for the number of U-turns by one Prime Minister:
-NHS bereavement scheme
-NHS surcharge
-use of face masks
-free school meals
-track and trace app
I'm on a roll… #DailyBriefing — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) June 18, 2020
5.
Brilliant. According to the govt our useless track and trace app was part of a world-beating international effort into showing other countries what not to do. taking one for the team — John Crace (@JohnJCrace) June 18, 2020
6.
Who could have guessed that an app designed by Google-Apple and already tested in lots of other countries might be more reliable than something banged out by a mate of Dom's?#Apple #Google https://t.co/74b7PlOdjL — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) June 18, 2020
7.
I'm going to build my own contact tracing app with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the contact tracing app. pic.twitter.com/BYtlfvvNUj — James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 18, 2020
8.
James O’Brien had an idea.
I think it’s time to turn Matt Hancock off & then on again. — James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) June 18, 2020
Anything has to be worth a try.
via Gfycat
READ MORE
People were not happy at Matt Hancock’s horse racing announcement – these 7 won by a head
Source BBC Image Screengrab, @bhagus on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-06-18--This 10-second clip from Nigel Farage’s latest video just went viral because, well, have a watch for

This 10-second clip from Nigel Farage’s latest video just went viral because, well, have a watch for yourself

Nigel Farage ’ s latest video message has gone wildly viral because , well , have a watch for yourself @ @ @ @ @ appear not to realise it ’ s been cropped by Tom Neenan ( @ TNeenan @ @ @ @ @ can be roughly divided between those applauding him for his self-awareness , and people who @ @ @ @ @ Here ’ s the uncropped video in full , in the unlikely event you want @ @ @ @ @ just a few of the things people were saying about it ( Tom ’ s @ @ @ @ @ ) .
And you can follow Tom Neenan on Twitter here !

Videos
Nigel Farage’s latest video message has gone wildly viral because, well, have a watch for yourself.
Wow, this can’t have been easy to admit. Well done @Nigel_Farage pic.twitter.com/Ig85qxeaAQ — Tom Neenan (@TNeenan) June 18, 2020
A lot of people appear not to realise it’s been cropped by Tom Neenan (@TNeenan on Twitter).
They can be roughly divided between those applauding him for his self-awareness, and people who are just totally confused.
Here’s the uncropped video in full, in the unlikely event you want to watch it.
It is time for truth and free speech to prevail. pic.twitter.com/e2FaypGawA — Nigel Farage (@Nigel_Farage) June 18, 2020
And just a few of the things people were saying about it (Tom’s version, not the original).
Well done @Nigel_Farage The first step to recovery is recognising you have a problem. — Ben Hall (@benscribbles) June 18, 2020
The second is holding your breath under water for at least an hour — Huey (@huey07) June 18, 2020
when you accidentally live-stream a session with your therapist — Richard {type surname here} (@7january1610) June 18, 2020
Time for this beauty to get another outing. pic.twitter.com/1arkpH9tYN — Same💩different day (@Samedifferentd1) June 18, 2020
This is obviously an out of context edit, but if you agree with him why not consider donating here: https://t.co/MD9TXVWN9u — Tom Neenan (@TNeenan) June 18, 2020
And you can follow Tom Neenan on Twitter here!
Source @TNeenan


thepoke--2020-06-18--‘Still one of my favourite videos of all time’

It ’ s been a little while since this was first posted on Twitter but if you haven ’ t @ @ @ @ @ re in for a treat .
And if you have seen it then you ’ @ @ @ @ @ it again anyway .
‘ Still one of my favourite videos of all time , @ @ @ @ @ on Twitter .
The twist in this clip of a guy being pulled over by @ @ @ @ @ ’ s day better

Videos
It’s been a little while since this was first posted on Twitter but if you haven’t seen it then you’re in for a treat.
And if you have seen it then you’re probably going to watch it again anyway.
‘Still one of my favourite videos of all time,’ says @EwaSR over on Twitter.
I tried making a video this morning & my roommate did this 🙃 pic.twitter.com/deJOfGnSwX — Afo ❼ (@ifyouwereafo) October 22, 2019
READ MORE
The twist in this clip of a guy being pulled over by the cops is making everyone’s day better
Source @ifyouwereafro H/T @EwaSR


thepoke--2020-06-18--Lord Sugar thinks lockdown should end because no-one he knows died – only 5 responses you need

Lord Sugar thinks it ’ s time for the lockdown to end but not everyone ’ s convinced by his @ @ @ @ @ what he had to tell Jeremy Vine on Channel 5 .
And here are our @ @ @ @ @ about it .
But the biggest revelation might have been this .
And just in @ @ @ @ @ else was in doubt .

Twitter
Lord Sugar thinks it’s time for the lockdown to end but not everyone’s convinced by his reasoning. Here’s what he had to tell Jeremy Vine on Channel 5.
"Who's dead? I'm not. I'm still alive. So's everybody else I know." Lord Alan Sugar tells us why he thinks it's safe for the UK to follow the US's lead in coming out of lockdown.@Lord_Sugar | @TheJeremyVine | #JeremyVine pic.twitter.com/ekAD5QBhJN — Jeremy Vine On 5 (@JeremyVineOn5) June 18, 2020
And here are our favourite 5 things people said about it.
https://twitter.com/davemacladd/status/1273598804302934016?s=20
BREAKING: all the people Alan Sugar knows are alive. https://t.co/VW0wWEzYpI — Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) June 18, 2020
"Idea for a new panel show called 'Who's Dead?, I'm Not'. Co-hosted by Alan Sugar & Ted Rodgers via Ouija board" pic.twitter.com/mBJIjX3ONm — Bacardi Oakheart (@Midgetgems26) June 18, 2020
Alan Sugar: “Why are we spending billions of pounds on Cancer Research? I haven’t got Cancer, so we must have cured it.” https://t.co/3jPtLnkTYs — Adam Rowe (@adamrowecomedy) June 18, 2020
I wonder why they haven't got anyone who's died of Covid-19 on this show, to give balance #typicalbbcbias https://t.co/Ng2LgtqT0k — Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran) June 18, 2020
But the biggest revelation might have been this.
Alan Sugar has had the same screensaver since 1998 https://t.co/xU037czXM8 — realmattlucas (@RealMattLucas) June 18, 2020
And just in case Lord Sugar or anyone else was still in doubt.
Who’s dead? I mean at the very least 41,000 people, Alan. https://t.co/nOZc9KCPHJ — James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 18, 2020
Source @JeremyVineOn5