thepoke--2020-03-19--A supermassive black hole has been unusually active – 8 darkly comic reactions

Step aside Covid-19 , there ’ s a new bully in the playground , and it ’ s a big @ @ @ @ @ hole , or Sagittarius A* to its friends , has been getting livelier , according @ @ @ @ @ been monitoring it .
At 26,000 light-years away , it ’ s not going to @ @ @ @ @ , but that didn ’ t stop Twitter having a bit of fun with it @ @ @ @ @ there was more to the news than just a few extra x-ray flares .
But @ @ @ @ @ it – we ’ re probably all a little bit Team Black Hole , like @ @ @ @ @ from the Apollo 10 flight includes astronauts dealing with a “ turd ” floating in @ @

News
Step aside Covid-19, there’s a new bully in the playground, and it’s a big one.
The Supermassive Black Hole at The Centre of Our Galaxy Is Becoming More Active https://t.co/dEkDpFBq2i — ScienceAlert (@ScienceAlert) March 17, 2020
The supermassive black hole, or Sagittarius A* to its friends, has been getting livelier, according to the scientists who have been monitoring it.
At 26,000 light-years away, it’s not going to cause the Earth any trouble, but that didn’t stop Twitter having a bit of fun with it.
1.
NOT NOW, SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HOLE. https://t.co/jXs9Z0ISAS — Kate Bevan (@katebevan) March 17, 2020
2.
In other news: Smaug has woken up, and he's really pissed. https://t.co/n4BPjoD4fI — Stephen McGann (@StephenMcGann) March 17, 2020
3.
2020 is full of good news https://t.co/gyUKObFtVM — Catalin Cimpanu (@campuscodi) March 17, 2020
4.
Sagittarius A has had enough of our bullshit https://t.co/qDV5zkvCKW — Shannon Stirone 💀 (@shannonmstirone) March 17, 2020
5.
Your Mums Supermassive Hole Is Becoming More Active https://t.co/IObHb6tVrc — hello (@ermMAYBE) March 17, 2020
6.
OK I have *definitely* seen this movie… https://t.co/J5q6s8vqZr — Sam Freedman (@Samfr) March 17, 2020
7.
Muse are still shit though. https://t.co/wyK7pkLyRl — Acid Grandads (@AcidGrandads) March 17, 2020
8.
Our technological overloads are really ramping up the simulation now. https://t.co/YCU7ioSdUQ — Rick Edwards (@rickedwards1) March 17, 2020
Andy Oakley was certain there was more to the news than just a few extra x-ray flares.
I'm not a religious man but if Ireland shuttling pubs on St. Patrick's day wasn't enough of a clue God has really chosen to up the ante now 🙄 — Andy Oakley (@DasOakster) March 17, 2020
But, let’s face it – we’re probably all a little bit Team Black Hole, like Dan Hett.
tbh at this point I think I'm pro supermassive back hole https://t.co/4eCNSMcCrU — Dan Hett (@danhett) March 17, 2020
READ MORE
This transcript from the Apollo 10 flight includes astronauts dealing with a “turd” floating in zero gravity
Source Science Alert Image ESO


thepoke--2020-03-19--The 9 funniest reactions to Bono writing a coronavirus ballad

U2 frontman , Bono , has dropped his first new recording in three years , with a song inspired by @ @ @ @ @ Italians who have been sharing music from their balconies .
AS far as we ’ @ @ @ @ @ s the first mainstream music to have arisen as a direct result of the coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ the news was shared .
These were our favourite reactions .
Ciara Dunne had her @ @ @ @ @ to make .
If you want to hear it , this is it .
Shock @ @ @ @ @ during Joshua Tree 30th anniversary concert

News
U2 frontman, Bono, has dropped his first new recording in three years, with a song inspired by and dedicated to the quarantined Italians who have been sharing music from their balconies.
AS far as we’re aware, it’s the first mainstream music to have arisen as a direct result of the coronavirus. Here’s how the news was shared.
Bono has written a coronavirus ballad https://t.co/m1oL2oXvou — The Independent (@Independent) March 18, 2020
These were our favourite reactions.
1.
2.
3.
If I die from the Coronavirus I would like Bono to sing this at my funeral.
Right into my stupid dead face as I hold him in my cold dead arms as they lower us both into the cold dead ground. pic.twitter.com/Y6bUtqn3ic — Tokyo Sexwhale (@tokyo_sexwhale) March 18, 2020
4.
BREAKING: Italy’s problems go from bad to worse. pic.twitter.com/GbZCQkrEY9 — Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) March 18, 2020
5.
Ways to defeat Bono:
– wash your hands
– observe self-isolation
– keep him away from the elderly and immunocompromised
– call 111 if you show sudden and persistent signs of Bono (wearing sunglasses indoors, offshoring business for tax reasons, compulsion to call Salman Rushdie) https://t.co/oX8Hn5cO4E — Citizen Sane (@citizen_sane) March 18, 2020
6.
If you don’t encourage Bono, he’ll go away eventually. — . (@twlldun) March 18, 2020
7.
Oh for fucks sake. What's the difference between Jesus and Bono? Jesus doesn't think he's Bono https://t.co/CZ76tKZWxl — Strabaneistan hoor PhD. (@dingo_1916) March 18, 2020
8.
how does everything keep getting worse https://t.co/tpNCd9PWQb — Alex Shephard (@alex_shephard) March 18, 2020
9.
https://twitter.com/paperghost/status/1240258392943443968?s=19
Ciara Dunne had her a rather more serious point to make.
Maybe Bono should spend less time writing coronavirus ballads and more time paying his taxes in Ireland that will be used to help our stressed out healthcare system. THE POX. https://t.co/v7fuzAl7Om — Ciara Dunne (@Ciarabelles) March 18, 2020
If you want to hear it, this is it.
READ MORE
Shock as Bono disappears on stage during Joshua Tree 30th anniversary concert
Source Independent Image VOA News Super Yo


thepoke--2020-03-18--This ‘conservative woman’ refuses to ‘cower like a dog in a kennel’ (AKA self-isolate) – only 5 repl

This ‘conservative woman’ refuses to ‘cower like a dog in a kennel’ (AKA self-isolate) – only 5 replies you need

As the country and the world tries to get to grips with coronavirus , one thing we can all do to help is self-isolate as soon as we – or a member of our family – shows symptoms of coronavirus .
Not everyone ’ s keen on doing it though , especially someone called Laura Perrins who , it says here , is a former barrister and co-editor of The Conservative Woman .
To save you the trouble of reading what she wrote , here ’ s a bit of it .
‘ If you want to know what a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like , mark 2020 in your calendar .
‘ But people will die , I hear you shout .
We all die .
We are not entitled to immortality .
I ’ ll take my chances , as I ’ d rather die as a freeborn citizen doing the things that freeborn citizens do , than cower like a dog in a kennel because the Government has ordered me to do so .
I won ’ t do it .
‘ It is coming up to 80 years since the Blitz and I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back .
Is this really what the British public did in 1940 – squabble over toilet paper and stop going to the pub , when actual bombs were falling on their actual heads ?
Is this what British manhood did – say yes , Mr Prime Minister , whatever you say Mr Prime Minister , I ’ ll hide in my bedroom for 14 days because I have a cough ?
Or did they get on the boats and bring those soldiers back from Dunkirk ?
’ Well , you get the idea @ @ @ @ @ @ @ responses you need .
Oh , and this .
This Londoner ’ s NSFW take on coronavirus is very funny and totally on-point

Twitter
As the country and the world tries to get to grips with coronavirus, one thing we can all do to help is self-isolate as soon as we – or a member of our family – shows symptoms of coronavirus.
Not everyone’s keen on doing it though, especially someone called Laura Perrins who, it says here, is a former barrister and co-editor of The Conservative Woman.
I’d rather die as a freeborn citizen doing the things that freeborn citizens do, than cower like a dog in a kennel because the Government has ordered me to do so. I won’t do it. https://t.co/Snb0uFNeSZ via @theconwom — Laura Perrins (@LPerrins) March 18, 2020
To save you the trouble of reading what she wrote, here’s a bit of it.
‘If you want to know what a Godless, meek and weak society looks like, mark 2020 in your calendar. ‘But people will die, I hear you shout. We all die. We are not entitled to immortality. I’ll take my chances, as I’d rather die as a freeborn citizen doing the things that freeborn citizens do, than cower like a dog in a kennel because the Government has ordered me to do so. I won’t do it. ‘It is coming up to 80 years since the Blitz and I keep hearing the Blitz spirit is coming back. Is this really what the British public did in 1940 – squabble over toilet paper and stop going to the pub, when actual bombs were falling on their actual heads? Is this what British manhood did – say yes, Mr Prime Minister, whatever you say Mr Prime Minister, I’ll hide in my bedroom for 14 days because I have a cough? Or did they get on the boats and bring those soldiers back from Dunkirk?’
Well, you get the idea. And these are the only 5 responses you need.
Laura, I'm trying to rein in my natural propensity to call people out but this is quite frankly the stupidest thing I've ever seen you write. It's also very, very dangerous and irresponsible. You have a family I believe and you will also be putting them and others at risk. — Otto English (@Otto_English) March 18, 2020
You really wrote the words "RIP Europe" over washing your hands and staying inside for a bit lmao — 👏🧼👍 k a t i e 👏🧼👍 (@supermathskid) March 18, 2020
What the hell is wrong with you? Stay safe and I hope nobody you care about comes to any harm. And if you become symptomatic, stay away from the rest of us. — Emma Kennedy (@EmmaKennedy) March 18, 2020
You're young and healthy. You'll be fine. What you mean is that you'd rather pass the virus on to other people who might die rather than be a bit inconvenienced for a while. — James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 18, 2020
Oh, and this.
Selfish conservative!? Who knew — Jack Duncan🌹 (@JackDunc1) March 18, 2020
READ MORE
This Londoner’s NSFW take on coronavirus is very funny and totally on-point
Source @LPerrins


thepoke--2020-03-20--Parents working from home are sharing the exploits of their “co-workers” – the 22 funniest

Everywhere the Covid-19 virus has taken hold , people are being asked to work from home , which means goodbye @ @ @ @ @ answering a million questions about how tall the Marshmallow Man is and who ’ s @ @ @ @ @ , because you now share your “ office ” with the kids .
If you @ @ @ @ @ you will once the schools close to almost all children on Friday afternoon .
Writer @ @ @ @ @ the parenting-working-from-home merry-go-round , and she decided to have a bit of fun with it @ @ @ @ @ that sounds exactly like Karen from HR .
Here are some of our favourite responses @ @ @ @ @ of farts .

Twitter
Everywhere the Covid-19 virus has taken hold, people are being asked to work from home, which means goodbye 10:30 snack trolley, hello answering a million questions about how tall the Marshmallow Man is and who’s the best Star Wars character, because you now share your “office” with the kids.
If you don’t already, you will once the schools close to almost all children on Friday afternoon.
Writer Shannon Dingle has been on the parenting-working-from-home merry-go-round, and she decided to have a bit of fun with it.
Tell us about a young child but say “my co-worker” or “my friend’s co-worker” instead of their name. (Because, you know, this is reality now for some of us.) Ex: My co-worker asked for yogurt and is now crying because I gave her yogurt. — Shannon Dingle (@ShannonDingle) March 18, 2020
To be fair, that sounds exactly like Karen from HR. Here are some of our favourite responses; there are a lot of farts.
1.
My co-worker just got angry at some plastic toast and is now asleep. I think he's shat himself too. 🙁 https://t.co/pHTuTY8I9B — cluedont (@cluedont) March 19, 2020
2.
This morning my coworker
* Yelled “WHALE”
* Dove on top of me
* Said “you’re lucky my blow hole is pointing the right way
* and FARTED She’s so lucky there’s no HR dept — Al Cabron (@morefromalan) March 19, 2020
3.
My coworkers are running around the office hooting and pretending to be owls 🦉when I said, “hello, little owls,” one of my coworkers sneered and said, “owls can’t talk.” — Elizabeth Adams (@wc_lizzy) March 18, 2020
4.
My coworker hit my other coworker in the head with a sword. — Caitlyn Carlson (@carlson_cait) March 18, 2020
5.
My coworker called me over to see his headstand progress and farted in my face — Helen Leighton-Fry (@HelsFry) March 18, 2020
6.
I attempted to bribe my co-workers with Twix bars to stay quite while I was on my first conference call of the day. Both co-workers accepted said bars and proceeded to scream at each other during my entire conference call. — Jacob (@Mag_Fhloinn) March 18, 2020
7.
my co-worker (who is NOT the dog) licked me while I was on camera to get my attention and also as a joke. — Abby Norman (@abbynormansays) March 18, 2020
8.
My co-worker keeps trying to steal my computer while shouting "I want do business!" — Mike Bebernes (@mikebebernes) March 18, 2020
9.
My sister’s co-worker took a bite out a lunch sandwich and then sobbed because it was no longer whole like her siblings’ — Katie Botkin (@khbotkin) March 18, 2020
10.
My coworkers got into a screaming fight over a single Lego piece. — A. Schindler (@RegencyKnitter) March 18, 2020
11.


thepoke--2020-03-20--Question Time aired without an audience and it’s the one thing coronavirus made better

BBC1 ’ s Question Time was radically different on Thursday night .
Not only was it given a primetime slot @ @ @ @ @ without an audience because of coronavirus .
The guests also sat further apart because of @ @ @ @ @ turns out we ’ ve finally found something that coronavirus is good for .
Making @ @ @ @ @ in case you missed it ( what were you thinking ? )
here ’ s @ @ @ @ @ ’ s show .
The look on the guy ’ s face next to the @ @ @ @ @ just perfect

Twitter
BBC1’s Question Time was radically different on Thursday night. Not only was it given a primetime slot, it went ahead without an audience because of coronavirus.
The guests also sat further apart because of social distancing.
And it turns out we’ve finally found something that coronavirus is good for. Making Question Time better.
I think #bbcqt may have stumbled on a future format.
No audience, no applause, no playing to the crowd, no grandstanding. Just detailed discussion about important stuff. — Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) March 19, 2020
*whispers it* #bbcqt is better without a live audience. — Emma Kennedy (@EmmaKennedy) March 19, 2020
A radical experiment on #bbcqt with relevant, expert people discussing an issue for an hour, without a baying audience. Who knows – could this be the future of television? — Roger Mosey (@rogermosey) March 19, 2020
If Question Time dumped the audience for good I’d actually watch it. Massive improvement. — India Knight (@indiaknight) March 19, 2020
Or, to put it another way.
Question Time just isn't the same without a carefully selected audience of right wing fucknuggets. #bbcqt — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) March 19, 2020
Just in case you missed it (what were you thinking?) here’s a clip from last night’s show.
“The governments done the least for the people who need help the most”@AndyBurnhamGM says it is hardest for those in 'low paid or insecure work' to follow government advice on the coronavirus. #bbcqt pic.twitter.com/EthzaUIOS4 — BBC Question Time (@bbcquestiontime) March 19, 2020
To conclude …
Witless, old Question Time < thoughtful, socially distanced Question Time pic.twitter.com/NkDOfrxoXZ — Tom Williams (@tomwilliamsisme) March 19, 2020
READ MORE
The look on the guy’s face next to the ranting Question Time woman was just perfect
Image Twitter @tomwilliamsisme


thepoke--2020-03-20--23 very funny jokes to help you through the coronacrisis

Good news , everybody – Boris Johnson says this coronavirus thing will be dealt with in 12 weeks .
Any @ @ @ @ @ ll bombard the UK with a multi-media Get Corona Done campaign and then BOOM !
@ @ @ @ @ ’ ll be blaming it on the EU and the economy will be devastated .
@ @ @ @ @ happens , we can still enjoy these excellent jokes .

Twitter
Good news, everybody – Boris Johnson says this coronavirus thing will be dealt with in 12 weeks. Any day now, they’ll bombard the UK with a multi-media Get Corona Done campaign and then BOOM! three years later, they’ll be blaming it on the EU and the economy will be devastated.
But before any of that happens, we can still enjoy these excellent jokes.
1.
My message is clear:
– Work from home if you can
– Avoid gatherings in small spaces
– Don’t hoard food and supplies
– Self isolate if you show symptoms
– Give cats extra treats pic.twitter.com/mISCffn98k — Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) March 19, 2020
2.
The stages of hunkering down with your spouse:
1. Second honeymoon.
2. The honeymoon is over.
3. “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?”
4. “The Shining.” — Adam Roberts (@heyadamroberts) March 19, 2020
3.
was feeling nervous but I just got a covid-19 update from Halfords and I'm a bit more reassured — joe (@mutablejoe) March 19, 2020
4.
Yes, thank you, clothes shop I bought a jumper from in 2011, this email DOES find me well in these uncertain times. — Pundamentalism (@Pundamentalism) March 19, 2020
5.
Nothing in the history of disappointment compares with our 7-yr old realising she’s the daughter of key workers — Mike Hunter (@DrMikePsych) March 18, 2020
6.
Can anyone recommend a “Yoga for Dipshits” type online resource? Want to be able to teabag myself by the time this virus passes — Ben Machell (@ben_machell) March 19, 2020
7.
Stuck at home self-isolating, so I thought I'd try one of those "What will you look like when you're older" apps pic.twitter.com/4TJ1J0TVHG — Dean Burnett (@garwboy) March 19, 2020
8.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation? Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter — Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) March 19, 2020
9.
[months from now] CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure? — clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) March 19, 2020
10.
Where the fuck is MC Hammer in all this?
If ANYONE should be making viral content (no pun intended) to assist in getting people to stop touching places and faces they shouldn't, its him. — Simon Pegg (@Simon_Pegg) March 19, 2020
11.
Boris Johnson refutes accusations his daily coronavirus updates are a bumbling waste of time, as he plans to present tomorrow’s in the form of Ed Sheeran pic.twitter.com/5ClkmNmZxc — Robin Flavell (@RobinFlavell) March 19, 2020
12.


thepoke--2020-03-20--This coronavirus version of Bohemian Rhapsody is very funny and so well done

Our thanks to comedian @ danajaybein who has given the lyrics of Queen ’ s Bohemian Rhapsody a coronavirus makeover @ @ @ @ @ , funny , and it ’ s got an important message as well .
And @ @ @ @ @ .
Joe Lycett and friends just took down that Hollywood version of Imagine and it @ @ @ @ @ a bit NSFW )

Twitter
Our thanks to comedian @danajaybein who has given the lyrics of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody a coronavirus makeover.
It’s clever, funny, and manages to squeeze in an important – the most important – message as well. Best read while singing out loud, obviously.
I've lost my mind. I wrote Coronavirus Rhapsody: Is this a sore throat?
Is this just allergies?
Caught in a lockdown
No escape from reality. — Dana Jay Bein (#DJB) (@danajaybein) March 18, 2020
Don’t touch your eyes
Just hand sanitize quicklyyyyy
I’m just a poor boy, no job security
Because of easy spread, even though
washed your hands, laying low
I look out the window, the curve doesn’t look flatter to me, to me — Dana Jay Bein (#DJB) (@danajaybein) March 18, 2020
mama, just killed a man
i didn’t stay inside in bed
I walked by him, now he’s dead
mama, life was so much fun
but now I’ve caught this unforgiving plague — Dana Jay Bein (#DJB) (@danajaybein) March 18, 2020
mama, oooooh
didn’t mean to make them die
if I’m not back to work this time tomorrow
carry on, carry on as if people didn’t matter — Dana Jay Bein (#DJB) (@danajaybein) March 18, 2020
oo late, my time has come
sends shivers down my spine
body’s aching all the time
goodbye everybody, I’ve got the flu
gotta leave you all behind and face the truth — Dana Jay Bein (#DJB) (@danajaybein) March 18, 2020
mama, oooooh
I don’t wanna die
I sometimes wish I never went out at all — Dana Jay Bein (#DJB) (@danajaybein) March 18, 2020
I see a little silhouette of a man
what a douche, what a douche
did he even wash his hands though
security is tightening
very very frightening me
Gotta lay low (gotta lay low)
Gotta lay low (gotta lay low)
Gotta lay low masturbate
Masturbate O O O O — Dana Jay Bein (#DJB) (@danajaybein) March 18, 2020
I’m just a poor boy, facing mortality
HE’S JUST A POOR BOY FACING MORTALITY
spare him his life from this monstrosity — Dana Jay Bein (#DJB) (@danajaybein) March 18, 2020
Touch your face, wash your hands, will you wash your hands?
BISMILLAH NO WE WILL NOT WASH OUR HANDS! (WASH YOUR HANDS!)
BISMILLAH NO WE WILL NOT WASH OUR HANDS! (WASH YOUR HANDS) — Dana Jay Bein (#DJB) (@danajaybein) March 18, 2020
BISMILLAH WE WILL NOT WASH YOUR HANDS! (WASH YOUR HANDS!)
WASH YOUR HANDS! (never, never, never wash your hands oh oh oh oh oh oh oh)
No no no no no
Oh mama mia, mia (mama mia wash your hands!)
COVID-19 has a sickness put aside for me, for me — Dana Jay Bein (#DJB) (@danajaybein) March 18, 2020
So you think you can stop me and just shake my hand?
So you think we can hang out and not break our plans?
Oh baby, can’t do this with me, baby,
Just gotta stay home, just gotta stay home with my fever — Dana Jay Bein (#DJB) (@danajaybein) March 18, 2020
oooooh Curving can get flatter
Anyone can see
Curving can get flatter
Curving can get flatter, you’ll see Just look out your windows…. FLATTEN THE CURVE — Dana Jay Bein (#DJB) (@danajaybein) March 18, 2020
It’s a hit!
And here are our favourite responses.
Here's what I gothttps://t.co/RbsmsanyGx — Aaron Bailey (@aaroncbailey) March 19, 2020
https://t.co/ZEzZnsRCen round 2. My buddies first time seeing it… https://t.co/qm7mdwh3aZ — Aaron Bailey (@aaroncbailey) March 19, 2020
Alright, now who can we get to actually turn this into a real cover? I sense a viral video sensation. — Michelle Elfant (@michelledanzig) March 18, 2020
Lyrics too good not to sing out loud 😅 pic.twitter.com/o0z28U90oT — Yang L (@why_lei) March 19, 2020
And you can follow @danajaybein on Twitter here.
READ MORE
Joe Lycett and friends just took down that Hollywood version of Imagine and it’s 10/10 (and a bit NSFW)


thepoke--2020-03-20--Joe Lycett and friends just took down that Hollywood version of Imagine and it’s 10/10 (and a bit NS

Joe Lycett and friends just took down that Hollywood version of Imagine and it’s 10/10 (and a bit NSFW)

You can ’ t fail to have missed that celebrity version of Imagine featuring Gal Gadot , Will Ferrell , @ @ @ @ @ bunch of other people who really should have known better .
Hard to belive we @ @ @ @ @ has come out of it .
It HAS !
Because Joe Lycett , sorry , @ @ @ @ @ have done their own version , but with a mildly NSFW twist and it ’ @ @ @ @ @ didn ’ t like it , which made us like it even more .
Bad @ @ @ @ @ Sean Bean saying ‘ bastard ’ will help AND STILL MORE Joe Lycett changed his @ @ @ @ @ right a wrong and we really like his style

Videos
You can’t fail to have missed that celebrity version of Imagine featuring Gal Gadot, Will Ferrell, Amy Adams and a whole bunch of other people who really should have known better.
Oh god just give some money to food banks you narcissists https://t.co/kFzsBXbYv5 — Sathnam Sanghera (@Sathnam) March 19, 2020
Hard to belive we know, but something good has come out of it. It HAS!
Because Joe Lycett, sorry, Hugo Boss and comedy friends have done their own version, but with a mildly NSFW twist and it’s brilliant.
Made a video with some friends pic.twitter.com/12DV9DU1Ep — Hugo Boss (@joelycett) March 19, 2020
It’s a hit!
BastAid — Dom (@DomJJS) March 19, 2020
The perfect replacement for #Eurovision2020 — ThePaizleyBowtie (@TBowtie) March 19, 2020
The one everyone is after x pic.twitter.com/mcpfxvj33V — Warren Genders (@WarrenGenders) March 19, 2020
I genuinely cheered. It was like when spiderman rocked up in civil war. — Rees Finlay but in mad max clobber🎭 (@reesytime) March 19, 2020
This person didn’t like it, which made us like it even more.
Can’t believe I sat to the end of that waiting for a punchline. I guess I’m missing something but it seems like a load of professional comedians just randomly inserted the word ‘bastard’ into a song and it’s hilarious apparently? ‘You call this comedy?’ pic.twitter.com/esQWxoFeTp — TheWizardOfIce (@TheWizardOfIce1) March 19, 2020
READ MORE
Bad day? This compilation of Sean Bean saying ‘bastard’ will help
AND STILL MORE
Joe Lycett changed his name to Hugo Boss to right a wrong and we really like his style
Source Twitter @joelycett


thepoke--2020-03-20--A critical care nurse’s desperate message to hoarders shows the human consequence of selfishness

We ’ ve all seen the empty supermarket shelves over the last week or so , either up close and @ @ @ @ @ online images .
We ’ ve even enjoyed some of the jokes about the lack @ @ @ @ @ , etc.
, but this clip of a nurse shortly after her shift in critical @ @ @ @ @ home one of the important consequences of people buying more than they really need .
@ @ @ @ @ widely shared , and everybody has had the same visceral response .
Deborah Meaden had @ @ @ @ @ of shopping .
Nigel Farage used coronavirus to fuel his racist agenda – these are @ @ @ @ @ need

Twitter
We’ve all seen the empty supermarket shelves over the last week or so, either up close and personal or in the many online images.
We’ve even enjoyed some of the jokes about the lack of toilet roll and pasta, etc., but this clip of a nurse shortly after her shift in critical care ended has really brought home one of the important consequences of people buying more than they really need.
Critical care nurse Dawn has pleaded for the public to "stop it" after being faced with empty supermarket shelves following a 48-hour shift. pic.twitter.com/1sQHM2U5Ba — BBC Yorkshire (@BBCLookNorth) March 19, 2020
Her heartbreaking video has been widely shared, and everybody has had the same visceral response.
Critical care nurse faced with empty shelves after 48 hour shift.
There is no problem except the one you are creating. Just fucking stop it you morons. #StopHoarding #CoronaCrisis pic.twitter.com/HMUCXD9neK — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) March 20, 2020
A critical care nurse in tears after 48 hours of work. As a country we emptied the stores. Now those who need it most have nothing. Panic buying is hurting our society! Stop it now‼ pic.twitter.com/7IcVsMJHWt — Louis Stedman-Bryce (@Lstedmanbryce) March 19, 2020
This is deeply upsetting… A critical care nurse in tears, left without food as her local supermarket runs out WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? Of all the countries in midst of a crisis, I thought Britain would be least likely to do this – yet here we are STOP IT 👊🏻 via @BBCNews pic.twitter.com/5uwOT2ZHsp — Darren McCaffrey (@DarrenEuronews) March 19, 2020
#StopHoarding This makes me so mad as I have the same problem here – there is nothing left! Greedy, selfish people who couldnt give a damn about anyone else. https://t.co/o44V5SRllg — Meriel (@MerielMyers) March 20, 2020
Ok you hoarding bastards look what your greed is causing.. Mother F*****G Arseholes 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬 https://t.co/LdyP3LrsYe — Ahsan Akhter (@LeagueOfTraders) March 19, 2020
Deborah Meaden had a message about that style of shopping.
Stop calling it panic buying. It’s Selfish buying! Just watched a Critical Care Nurse on the news finished shift and can’t get food. Really upsetting. — Deborah Meaden (@DeborahMeaden) March 19, 2020
Couldn’t agree more.
READ MORE
Nigel Farage used coronavirus to fuel his racist agenda – these are the only 5 replies you need
Source BBC Yorkshire Image BBC Yorkshire, @purzlbaum on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-03-20--This self-isolation advice takes a darkly comic turn

The very funny Arena Flowers account is a constant delight , with such zingers as these : With their finger @ @ @ @ @ , it ’ s no surprise that they ’ ve weighed in on the coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ on coping with self-isolation .
The advice was very well received .
There was also @ @ @ @ @ So that ’ s all right then .
This list of things to enjoy while @ @ @ @ @ a bit weird

Pics
The very funny Arena Flowers account is a constant delight, with such zingers as these:
We're living in a brave new world. pic.twitter.com/LnFFs1Vr9t — Arena Flowers (@ArenaFlowers) July 21, 2014
With their finger on the pulse of events, it’s no surprise that they’ve weighed in on the coronavirus pandemic with some timely advice on coping with self-isolation.
Well, that escalated quickly.
The advice was very well received.
I heart Arena Flowers. PS They also do flowers. https://t.co/6hdCC2XH97 — Cromerty York – Voiceover & Voice Actor🎙 (@Cromerty) March 19, 2020
Some top tips 😆 https://t.co/JtnX3msILx — Joanne Lamb – Award Winning Voice Over (@JoanneLambVO) March 18, 2020
There was also some sympathy for Colin.
Then this happened.
Just happy knowing I died bringing someone sweet, juicy joy — Colin (@Tunrip) March 19, 2020
So that’s all right then.
READ MORE
This list of things to enjoy while you’re single gets a bit weird
Source Arena Flowers Image Arena Flowers, @hambourine on Unsplash


thepoke--2020-03-20--Bec Hill has made a 20-second flipchart of coronavirus advice and it’s a game changer

We ’ ve seen a lot of advice about handwashing over the last couple of weeks , but none of @ @ @ @ @ creative as that provided by comedian Bec Hill , who used her amazing talent for @ @ @ @ @ effect .
See – both entertaining and informative .
What more could you want ?
@ @ @ @ @ of people ’ s reactions .
We concur .
Now , go and wash your @ @

Twitter
We’ve seen a lot of advice about handwashing over the last couple of weeks, but none of it has been quite as creative as that provided by comedian Bec Hill, who used her amazing talent for making comedy flipcharts to good effect.
Got a new 20 second song for you to sing while washing your hands… pic.twitter.com/mQwPIg5a0I — Bec Hill (@bechillcomedian) March 19, 2020
See – both entertaining and informative. What more could you want?
Nothing, by the look of people’s reactions.
Brilliant! Turn it up to 11! https://t.co/S9dJkmo8CE — Elon Musketeer (@comrad_fu) March 19, 2020
This is just what I needed.
Have got the serious giggles now 😂 https://t.co/fqkpdVRoEA — Lou Rudkin (@lourudkin) March 19, 2020
Bec Hill is a genius. https://t.co/kYWK5Q8085 — Mithuna Yoganathan (@Looking_glass_u) March 19, 2020
David Frew put it succinctly.
EXCELLENT ! Not only in keeping with Bec's previous canon, but also topical, factual and helpful ! https://t.co/VBzOxpv3MJ — David Frew (@Dr_Von2) March 19, 2020
We concur. Now, go and wash your hands.
READ MORE
Bec Hill’s misheard lyrics animation is creative comedy gold
Source Bec Hill Image Bec Hill, YouTube


thepoke--2020-03-20--Simon Pegg and Nick Frost have updated “The Plan” from Shaun of the Dead – and it’s perfect

For some reason , there ’ s been a lot of talk about Simon Pegg and Nick Frost ‘ s masterpiece , ‘ Shaun of the Dead ’ recently .
We can ’ t imagine why – unless it ’ s because it ’ s about a deadly infection that passes rapidly between citizens , turning the UK into a dystopian nightmare .
Yeah , it ’ s probably that .
Anyway , a lot of people have been invoking “ the plan ” – this plan , in fact .
The only problem with that is that going to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thing to do , with the coronavirus crisis in full flow – apart from holding a face-touching festival in a confined space with 1000 attendees and no running water .
Luckily , there ’ s a new plan , and it comes straight from Simon Pegg and Nick Frost , so it must be trustworthy .
If only the government ’ s updates could be that clear .
The clip was shared to Twitter .
This is what other people thought of the new information .
Now – did we all remember to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Shaun of the Dead Q & A went viral 15 years later because he didn ’ t take it entirely seriously

Twitter
For some reason, there’s been a lot of talk about Simon Pegg and Nick Frost‘s masterpiece, ‘Shaun of the Dead’ recently. We can’t imagine why – unless it’s because it’s about a deadly infection that passes rapidly between citizens, turning the UK into a dystopian nightmare.
Yeah, it’s probably that. Anyway, a lot of people have been invoking “the plan” – this plan, in fact.
The only problem with that is that going to the pub is just about the worst thing to do, with the coronavirus crisis in full flow – apart from holding a face-touching festival in a confined space with 1000 attendees and no running water.
Luckily, there’s a new plan, and it comes straight from Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, so it must be trustworthy.
If only the government’s updates could be that clear. The clip was shared to Twitter.
A public service announcement from Simon Pegg and Nick Frost ❤ https://t.co/4T0Aze0hxE — Pegg News (@simonpegg) March 19, 2020
The film’s director, Edgar Wright, reinforced the message.
On second thoughts: Don’t Go To The Winchester… x https://t.co/VQQARL5vBn — edgarwright (@edgarwright) March 19, 2020
This is what other people thought of the new information.
Highlight of the day https://t.co/R3DFGtatZH — Dermot O'Leary (@radioleary) March 19, 2020
Well this is amazinghttps://t.co/fxlU4Z6VI7 — Chris Purchase (@ChrisPurchase) March 19, 2020
I mean, obviously it had to be donepic.twitter.com/qjOyAUHA2X — Rebecca L Coates (@bexin2d) March 19, 2020
OMFG this is amazing!!! https://t.co/dvqDsoiAcY — Daniel Emery (@DemeryUK) March 19, 2020
Now – did we all remember to buy Cornettos?
READ MORE
Dylan Moran’s Shaun of the Dead Q&A went viral 15 years later because he didn’t take it entirely seriously
Source YouTube Image YouTube, YouTube


thepoke--2020-03-20--Gal Gadot’s celebrity quarantine choir went about as well as you’d Imagine – 9 funniest reactions

Hot on the heels of Bono ’ s ballad , actor Gal Gadot has been moved to action by the Italians singing on their balconies during their coronavirus quarantine .
She contacted some celebrity friends and they remotely performed John Lennon ’ s Imagine .
We are in this together , we will get through it together .
Let ’ s imagine together .
Sing with us ❤ All love to you , from me and my dear friends .
# WeAreOne Their heart was most definitely in the right place – if only the same could be said of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
If she wanted to bring people together , she certainly achieved that – but not in the way she must have intended .
We really wish Nicola Coughlan had been involved , now that we ’ ve seen how that would have gone down … While Omid Djalili was impressed by Gal and her gang , he chose another song .
Likewise , comedian Sophie Hagen gathered some of her own friends and colleagues to perform a tribute to the tribute – and it was pretty special .
from Fresh Prince Of @ @ @ @ @

Twitter
Hot on the heels of Bono’s ballad, actor Gal Gadot has been moved to action by the Italians singing on their balconies during their coronavirus quarantine. She contacted some celebrity friends and they remotely performed John Lennon’s Imagine.
She added this message.
We are in this together, we will get through it together.
Let’s imagine together.
Sing with us ❤
All love to you, from me and my dear friends. #WeAreOne
Their heart was most definitely in the right place – if only the same could be said of their vocal chords and grasp of optics.
If she wanted to bring people together, she certainly achieved that – but not in the way she must have intended.
1.
Gal Gadot and her band of celebrities right before filming their "Imagine" cover videos pic.twitter.com/ukeS5QWa02 — Jon (@prasejeebus) March 19, 2020
2.
Hey celebs, we don't want to be sung to. We want you to use a million or two of your money and order ventilators, masks, and gloves from the manufacturers then donate them to a hospital. Or pay for the salaries of an entire staff at a bar, restaurant, or daycare. #imagine — Casey Cipriani (@CaseyCip) March 19, 2020
3.
thank goodness the celebs sang the coronavirus away – that was a close call — Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 19, 2020
4.
I grew up during The Troubles. This is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. https://t.co/gOAvjXnLeb — Michael Legge (@michaellegge) March 19, 2020
5.
I love the Gal Gadot thing because it's such a good rorschach test for the internet. Everyone on twitter: This is awful, and I hate everyone involved
On facebook: This is so uplifting, thank you!
On Instagram: Loves!! Big fan! On LinkedIn: please god does anyone have a job — Dan Price (@DanPriceSeattle) March 19, 2020
6.
Gal Gadot: So how did that video do yesterday? Did it bring everybody together?
Assistant: In a way — Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) March 19, 2020
7.
Imagine there’s no more Imagine covers. It’s easy if you try. I hope some day you join us. — Nish Kumar (@MrNishKumar) March 19, 2020
8.
Is that Gal Gadot video a fucking abomination that should never have seen the light of day? Yes. Is ‘Imagine’ a miserable pile of trite, vapid wank at the best of times? Yes. But should we be endlessly QTing the video with messages like ‘fuck this’ and ‘piss off’? Also yes. — 🏳🌈 Max 🏳🌈 (@SpillerOfTea) March 19, 2020
9.
imagine no possessions but not our possessions https://t.co/N3TYr2UoGj — Chris Boydenheimer 🇬🇧🇵🇭🇺🇦 (@paperghost) March 19, 2020
We really wish Nicola Coughlan had been involved, now that we’ve seen how that would have gone down …
https://twitter.com/nicolacoughlan/status/1240698288082276352?s=19
While Omid Djalili was impressed by Gal and her gang, he chose another song.
In appreciation of incredible Gal Gadot and Friends video #workingfromhome #NeedANewBulb pic.twitter.com/G5F04B4v7i — Omid Djalili (@omid9) March 20, 2020
Likewise, comedian Sophie Hagen gathered some of her own friends and colleagues to perform a tribute to the tribute – and it was pretty special.
Me, Jayde Adams & Rich Wilson, Fern Brady, Helen Bauer, Kiri Prichard-McLean, Jess Fostekew, Shappi Khorsandi, Richard Herring, Desiree Burch, Nish Kumar, Barry Dodds and Mark Watson coming together to sing in these difficult times. Peace and love. ♥ pic.twitter.com/WcDGDsfmy8 — Sofie Hagen (@SofieHagen) March 19, 2020
from Fresh Prince Of Bel Air GIFs via Gfycat
READ MORE
The 9 funniest reactions to Bono writing a coronavirus ballad
Source Gal Gadot Image Gal Gadot


thepoke--2020-03-20--This commentator’s got no live sport so he’s commentating on everyday life and it’s brilliant

Here ’ s a chap called Nick Heath who ’ s a rugby commentator and journalist and also a podcast @ @ @ @ @ s the commentating bit we ’ re really interested in .
Because in the absence @ @ @ @ @ all postponed because of coronavirus , Nick started commenting on everyday life as he saw @ @ @ @ @ on Twitter .
And they really will make your day better .
And there was @ @ @ @ @ You can follow Nick on Twitter here and find the videos on YouTube here .
@ @ @ @ @ This ‘ conference call in real life ’ will be hilariously familiar to anyone working @ @ @ @

Twitter
Here’s a chap called Nick Heath who’s a rugby commentator and journalist and also a podcast producer.
But it’s the commentating bit we’re really interested in. Because in the absence of any live sport, all postponed because of coronavirus, Nick started commenting on everyday life as he saw it and shared the videos on Twitter.
And they really will make your day better.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
Find A Brunette A Seat With The Blonde Girls Qualifier.#LiveCommentary #LifeCommentary Getting tenuous now. pic.twitter.com/XEyrvBxPIR — Nick Heath (@nickheathsport) March 18, 2020
8.
And there was this PS from Nick.
Glad I've entertained a few this arvo with my old Barry-Davies-cum-Alan-Partridge commentary style larfs. I do try and do it properly most of the time. Fond memories of calling the game of the @Womens6Nations when the world was a very different place. https://t.co/1BQABbTnNb — Nick Heath (@nickheathsport) March 17, 2020
You can follow Nick on Twitter here and find the videos on YouTube here.
These are good too.
I always liked the idea of 'Inside The Commentary Box' where there's an accidental symmetry between what's happening inside to what's happening outside.#LifeCommentary pic.twitter.com/ezGYjYnNPU — Nick Heath (@nickheathsport) March 19, 2020
I always liked the idea of 'Inside The Commentary Box' where there's an accidental symmetry between what's happening inside to what's happening outside. Here's another one.#LifeCommentary pic.twitter.com/3xKTSTH47X — Nick Heath (@nickheathsport) March 20, 2020
READ MORE
This ‘conference call in real life’ will be hilariously familiar to anyone working at home right now
Source @nickheathsport


thepoke--2020-03-20--This ‘conference call in real life’ sketch will be hideously familiar to anyone working at home righ

This ‘conference call in real life’ sketch will be hideously familiar to anyone working at home right now

This is one of our favourite sketches and goes out to anyone who ’ s working from home right now @ @ @ @ @ with the horror of a conference call .
And there ’ s lots more Tripp @ @ @ @ @ 7 ways that people are responding to coronavirus that made us smile

Videos
This is one of our favourite sketches and goes out to anyone who’s working from home right now and has had to deal with the horror of a conference call.
Created by Tripp and Tyler.
Relatable content.
And there’s lots more Tripp and Tyler here!
READ MORE
Simply 7 ways that people are responding to coronavirus that made us smile
Source YouTube


thepoke--2020-03-20--Simply 7 ways people are responding to coronavirus that made us smile today

As the nation – and the world – tries to adjust to the ‘ new normal ’ of coronavirus , @ @ @ @ @ are responding are especially inventive .
And funny .
Some of these are more serious @ @ @ @ @ but they all made us feel better .
7 .
And this lovely act of @ @ @ @ @ and Nick Frost have updated “ The Plan ” from Shaun of the Dead – @ @ @ @ @

Pics
As the nation – and the world – tries to adjust to the ‘new normal’ of coronavirus, some of the ways people are responding are especially inventive. And funny.
Some of these are more serious than others, obviously, but they all made us feel better.
1. This care home
Need something to smile about today? A care home in has recreated Hungry Hippos with its residents to help “lift morale” 🦛 Share to pass on the smile.#InternationalDayOfHappiness | #CoronaCrisis pic.twitter.com/CiUYzKKq9K — Lauren Clarke (@rensyclarke) March 20, 2020
2. These dads
(via Reddit u/dgroove8)
3. This tennis player
https://twitter.com/JudyMurray/status/1239917573480886274?s=20
4. This chap
Immune system boost… on the hour every hour. #TriedAndTested pic.twitter.com/aH8vD1eCvQ — bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) March 19, 2020
5. These guys
6. This ‘archaeologist’
(via Reddit u/AceLeader2998)
7. And this lovely act of kindness
Reader of @theipaper, Dave Gunn, from Ruddington, Notts, writes: "The following was pinned to this morning’s i as it popped through the letterbox." pic.twitter.com/gVw9FenWEe — Oly Duff (@olyduff) March 20, 2020
READ MORE
Simon Pegg and Nick Frost have updated “The Plan” from Shaun of the Dead – and it’s perfect


thepoke--2020-03-20--Wetherspoons owner Tim Martin says people should keep going to pubs despite coronavirus – only 5 res

Wetherspoons owner Tim Martin says people should keep going to pubs despite coronavirus – only 5 responses you need

Wetherspoons owner Tim Martin has been out and about today telling everyone to keep going to pubs like his , @ @ @ @ @ go out because of coronavirus .
Just in case you can ’ t bring yourself @ @ @ @ @ here ’ s what he said .
‘ Our aim is for pubs open for @ @ @ @ @ go on for a long time .
‘ I think that once you shut them @ @ @ @ @ difficult .
‘ Supermarkets are very , very crowded .
Pubs are much less crowded @ @ @ @ @ been any transmission of the virus within pubs and I think it ’ s over @ @ @ @ @ .
And while we head off to double check Martin ’ s qualifications in public @ @ @ @ @ , here are the only 5 responses you need .
Or – finally , promise @ @ @ @ @ NSFW .
This woman asked for strangers to send her free drinks using the Wetherspoons @ @ @ @ @ will make you proud to be British

Twitter
Wetherspoons owner Tim Martin has been out and about today telling everyone to keep going to pubs like his, despite government advice not to go out because of coronavirus.
The boss of Wetherspoons Tim Martin says shutting pubs over the #coronavirus outbreak is "over the top" and they should stay open – despite government advice that people should avoid them. For more on this interview, head here: https://t.co/awJUMMm8JE pic.twitter.com/q45HAoPtRi — Sky News (@SkyNews) March 20, 2020
Just in case you can’t bring yourself to listen to him, here’s what he said.
‘Our aim is for pubs open for the duration. This could go on for a long time. ‘I think that once you shut them down it’s very difficult. ‘Supermarkets are very, very crowded. Pubs are much less crowded. There’s hardly been any transmission of the virus within pubs and I think it’s over the top to shut them. ‘That’s a commercial view but also a common sense view.’
And while we head off to double check Martin’s qualifications in public health and stuff like that, here are the only 5 responses you need.
Tim Martin, Wetherspoons owner and millionaire on #r4today saying pubs shouldn’t be shut and Brexit should carry on as planned.
Could this sort of bollox just fuck off forever please? We’ve got enough shit to deal with without that selfish, ignorant arsewipe trolling us all. — sarah murphy (@13sarahmurphy) March 20, 2020
I just heard Tim Martin, owner of Wetherspoons, say on @SkyNews there has been 'very little transmission of the virus in pubs.'
HOW THE F*CK DOES HE KNOW?
This is insane stupidity from a reckless selfish millionaire putting money before health.
Don't go to Wetherspoons. — Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) March 20, 2020
If it’s true Tim Martin has been distributing leaflets contrary to WHO guidelines (and I don’t say this lightly) I think I’d quite like him to be arrested. — Emma Kennedy (@EmmaKennedy) March 20, 2020
Unless he's announcing Wetherspoons are working on a new vaccine involving beer slops and pork scratchings, there is simply no need to talk, or listen, to Tim Martin. #r4today — SJ2 (@sjames1132) March 20, 2020
Nice of Radio 4 to give air time to public health expert Tim Martin, so that he can explain why his being able to sell cheap beer is more important than people dying.#r4today #CoronaCrisis — Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) March 20, 2020
To conclude, this …
Adam Kay has a degree in medicine and before giving up being a doctor to write and perform, worked in hospitals for years. Tim Martin owns Wetherspoons and has a vested interest in pubs staying open. Difficult to know who to trust on this, though. https://t.co/RXkvFeLTfv — David Baddiel (@Baddiel) March 20, 2020
And this.
Tim Martin is just trying to support local pubs… And funeral homes. — Femi (@Femi_Sorry) March 20, 2020
Or – finally, promise – if you prefer it NSFW.
Why in fuck anyone asks Tim Martin anything is beyond me. Cunts gonna cunt. — Sarah Phelps (@PhelpsieSarah) March 20, 2020
READ MORE
This woman asked for strangers to send her free drinks using the Wetherspoons app and what happened next will make you proud to be British


thepoke--2020-03-20--Our 25 favourite funny tweets from this week

If we ’ re not mistaken , this has been the longest week since records began , at least it @ @ @ @ @ parents gear up for prolonged homeschooling by googling “ long division ” and “ oxbow @ @ @ @ @ recommend they hang onto their sense of humour .
These 25 things might just help @ @ @

Twitter
If we’re not mistaken, this has been the longest week since records began, at least it felt like it.
As parents gear up for prolonged homeschooling by googling “long division” and “oxbow lakes”, we strongly recommend they hang onto their sense of humour.
These 25 things might just help with that.
1.
Find someone who loves you the way Dennis Waterman pats that Ford Capri in the credits to Minder. — rufus jones (@rufusjones1) March 14, 2020
2.
A good thing about the napkin holder is it lets you take out your preferred number of napkins providing you want either 800 napkins or a 3cm shard of a napkin. — Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) March 13, 2020
3.
On is ay 2013: The dea o ome ian Nor Coll est in Peace. pic.twitter.com/XwwwxjTNs6 — Balderdash (@notDcfcBoss) March 14, 2020
4.
the hanks family are a compelling case study for nominative determinism. if you call your kid colin, you’re getting a colin. and if you call your kid chet, you’re getting a chet. pic.twitter.com/VAJ10htmaW — Daisy Bard (@DaisyBard) March 13, 2020
5.
Rest of the world: a single tap which mixes hot and cold water UK: what about one freezing cold water tap and one scalding hot water tap? And a sign saying "caution – hot water"? — Pessimus Prime – Professional Soya Milk Drinker (@BigJDubz) March 16, 2020
6.
“Hey Evelyn, who shall I get to do the window display?” “How about the new guy?” “The Boston Butcher? …but, hasn’t he just escaped from the prison for the criminally insane?” “Everyone deserves a second chance, Gary.” “…” pic.twitter.com/toXpD121Ng — Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) March 16, 2020
7.
I hate it when someone’s told a duck your secret. pic.twitter.com/2ga7nIfEoj — Bethany Black (@BeffernieBlack) March 16, 2020
8.
The hardest tongue twister is 'she sells seashells by the seashore' because you're also wondering why the fuck would she sell them there. — Ian Power (@IHPower) March 17, 2020
9.
I once met Lemmy. "Are you scared of anything?" I asked him. "Nothing," he said. "Oh. Maybe snakes. It's because they've got no shoulders." — Tom Cox (@cox_tom) March 20, 2020
10.
When the Archbishop of Canterbury told friends he wanted to be an Anglican bishop because he loved the hats it earned him the nickname ‘Mitres’ Welby. This isn’t true, but might as well be. — Moose Allain Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) March 19, 2020
11.
me listening to two people talk outside my apartment then hearing a third join them pic.twitter.com/B2MIrlWqL5 — Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) March 19, 2020
12.


thepoke--2020-03-21--29 nice things to try and make you smile

Everything is all quite awful at the moment , but we ’ ve tried to round up some things we @ @ @ @ @ thought were particularly nice , in the hope they will raise some smiles .

Twitter
Everything is all quite awful at the moment, but we’ve tried to round up some things we saw this week that we thought were particularly nice, in the hope they will raise some smiles.
1.
They delight in scrumptious blossoms pic.twitter.com/ZVayy2hWEP — Oregon Zoo (@OregonZoo) March 13, 2020
2.
Please enjoy this sheep pic.twitter.com/IX3pswVCiD — Julia Métraux (@metraux_julia) March 14, 2020
3.
I was in Tesco Gorey today and seen this lad thought it was an in store promotion thing ! No some mad fella out shopping #COVIDー19 @aidand472 pic.twitter.com/FiIw7uGHKs — Paul Kirwan (@paulkirwan) March 15, 2020
4.
When your man has no idea that you’ve been travelling all day to surprise him, amid all the craziness that is currently going on in the world! Love still wins. pic.twitter.com/4FQNglQHhI — SeanySean (@thefuzzypup) March 15, 2020
5.
Since aquariums are shut down, they let penguins wander around the place and it's honestly the news we need to see. pic.twitter.com/XkP8gIJ15R — Stan Lewis (@StanLewis_) March 15, 2020
6.
7.
butterflies in sun rays to cleanse your tl pic.twitter.com/poDfVGaqhS — the hoziest (@iatemuggles) March 16, 2020
8.
After dinner nap time, can all 6 of you get into the bucket? Or will some go into the 2nd bucket? pic.twitter.com/g8FghRJzfs — Doggy (@IamActiveDog) March 15, 2020
9.
Better than The Irishman, ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ pic.twitter.com/mdJuauB4DM — James Kelleher (@etienneshrdlu) March 15, 2020
10.
my new wfh coworker is so needy, I can’t get anything done pic.twitter.com/FyIeLY45GO — Kevin P. Johnson (@OkayJoJay) March 19, 2020
11.
He does this every night pic.twitter.com/67rXisML4y — The Dodo (@dodo) March 17, 2020
12.
Last day with my Roommates because of the Coronavirus Definitely need a break from them pic.twitter.com/5FdqeHupVE — Afo ❼ (@ifyouwereafo) March 17, 2020
13.
Can we all just take a moment to appreciate the sweetest lil fox sleeping on a tree stump in my parent’s backyard pic.twitter.com/nDlHrgdmfH — Sara Ryan (@SaraReneeRyan) March 17, 2020
14.
everyone: use this time to be productive
me: pic.twitter.com/FhkY5e4xFC — Megan Mitchell (@megan1mitchell) March 17, 2020
15.
In case you need to smile…my daughter dancing with our pup Otis pic.twitter.com/rhNwP1H6gW — carrie levan (@LevanCarrie) March 17, 2020
16.
Starting the day positive! pic.twitter.com/MnHKgLYiwu — Esther Coles (@eyupmeducky) March 18, 2020
17.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. ❤https://t.co/Xm1Mou497o pic.twitter.com/lmByfcD1sg — Liquid Faerie (@LiquidFaerie) March 18, 2020
18.
When the world seems close to pear shaped,
When leaders fill you with despair
When things look dark and dreary
And love seems far too rare –
CUDDLE A DUCK
[ It works …] pic.twitter.com/S3YP5E5eob — Sam Neill (@TwoPaddocks) December 30, 2019
19.
This is as good a time as any to tell you that my dog sings along to the Law & Order theme song every time he hears it pic.twitter.com/4HNVPWrzmE — Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) March 19, 2020
20.
I put this on Instagram last night and it seemed to make people smile so I’m sharing here too Xxx #SocialDistancing pic.twitter.com/FN2o97PvNP — Laura Pettigrew (@lorspettigrew) March 19, 2020
21.
David Beckham has 24hrs to respond to this! pic.twitter.com/uqAM5M79Jc — E-zrael Ani (@EzraelAni) March 18, 2020
22.
This is the most entertainment I’ve had all day pic.twitter.com/OwDTCniElE — Best Videos (@30SECVlDEOS) March 16, 2020
23.
I demand to be taken seriously pic.twitter.com/z535xBeHz6 — Erika Ishii (@erikaishii) March 18, 2020
24.
Why is there a Dog in the drive thru??? pic.twitter.com/5HdcnCrtda — TAYLOR (@CALM_Taylor) March 19, 2020
25.
26.
look at them social distancing pic.twitter.com/QFCwB5xhoX — (@ohTEEJ) March 19, 2020
27.
Quarantine Day 5: pic.twitter.com/Lm1haI46UH — The Puppies Club (@thepuppiesclub) March 19, 2020
28.
so no one was gonna tell me that walruses can whistle i just had to find this out on my own? pic.twitter.com/Pn06ZSkddH — (@FrickinDelanie) March 19, 2020
29.


thepoke--2020-03-22--19 funny Mother’s Day tweets to take the edge off the separation

This is going to go down in history as a very odd Mother ’ s Day , with the “ @ @ @ @ @ her some flowers ” message having undergone a hasty rewrite in light of us all @ @ @ @ @ modern age .
Over on Twitter , that message and other Mother ’ s Day @ @ @ @ @ some very funny comments .

Twitter
This is going to go down in history as a very odd Mother’s Day, with the “Visit your mum and take her some flowers” message having undergone a hasty rewrite in light of us all being Typhoid Mary for the modern age.
Over on Twitter, that message and other Mother’s Day thoughts have been translated into some very funny comments.
1.
Decided to ditch public transport and walked 7 miles to hand deliver a Mother’s Day card. I couldn’t go in but we spoke at distance, her from her front door. She looked at my red trainers and said “you walked seven miles in these? Just as well the streets are empty.” — Irvine Welsh (@IrvineWelsh) March 22, 2020
2.
I see a lot of you claiming to have the “Best Mother Ever” and it’s this attempt to extrapolate from an inadequate and incomplete data set as well as confirmation bias that’s led us to the mess we’re in right now. — Bethany Black (@BeffernieBlack) March 22, 2020
3.
Happy Mother’s Day to all poor mums – like mine – spending it locked down on their own. Good news though – she’ll be out of solitary and back in the general prison soon. — John Niven HQ (@estellecostanza) March 22, 2020
4.
Happy Mother’s Day to my granny who sent me this an hour ago. What a woman. pic.twitter.com/lYrct2D1Dw — Yuri Fan Account (@DRoantree) March 22, 2020
5.
Carrying on the Mother’s Day tradition of putting my mother’s ornaments in provocative positions. Already looking forward to the angry phone call I’ll get a week from today. pic.twitter.com/Ml0RaEHT1x — Tokyo Sexwhale (@tokyo_sexwhale) March 22, 2020
6.
Spare a thought for the single mothers today. It’s very hard to catch moths on your own#HappyMothersDay — Sanjeev Kohli (@govindajeggy) March 22, 2020
7.
This #mothersday remember to get your mum something she really wants, like Andrex double velvet, and a card that reads "I hope you make it" — Chris Purchase (@ChrisPurchase) March 22, 2020
8.
On #MothersDay you may not be with your mother in person. But there are still things you can do for her:
1. Whisper your love to the wind.
2. Weave her a rainbow of memories.
3. Send her a magical unicorn of gratitude in a dream.
4. Maybe lay off the drugs. — paul bassett davies (@thewritertype) March 22, 2020
9.
A word from the wise. Don’t buy your mum an ornamental ginger jar for #MothersDay unless you want a terse “is that for my ashes” as a thank you. pic.twitter.com/zWRR4N0eD2 — (@hari_miller) March 22, 2020
10.
Baskerville, our two year old, just gave her #MothersDay present (a toilet roll) to my wife. As it was being unwrapped, Baskie fixed her with a hard stare. “Mummy, if you even think about visiting grandma today, you’re a cunt.” — Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) March 22, 2020
11.


thepoke--2020-03-23--This Italian guy insisting on going out for coffee is much needed light relief right now

This Italian man really , really wants to go out for a coffee and where he ends up is some @ @ @ @ @ now .
This plague doctor in the background was an oddly welcome distraction from the @

Videos
This Italian man really, really wants to go out for a coffee and where he ends up is some much needed comic relief right now.
Some much needed comic relief through these dark times. This man in Italy insists on going out to get coffee. Watch the video to see where he goes 😂 pic.twitter.com/4qV6pGJUgn — Growing Up Italian (@GrowingUpItalia) March 21, 2020
Bellisimo!
That is an instant classic! — greg (@DaulMcm) March 21, 2020
My 81 yo dad is from Sicily. I can see him doing this to my mother. She wouldn’t laugh though. — Nick Cultrara (@bflony66) March 21, 2020
READ MORE
This plague doctor in the background was an oddly welcome distraction from the news
H/T @Pismo_B Source @GrowingUpItalia


thepoke--2020-03-23--19 of the funniest takes on life in a pandemic

The phrase “ That escalated quickly ” may end up being the motto for 2020 , with the government ’ @ @ @ @ @ time people have had a few days of moaning at them to ramp things up @ @ @ @ @ , quarantine and hoarding jokes has increased in the same exponential fashion , with other @ @ @ @ @ a 12-pack of Charmin .
We know the crisis isn ’ t funny – but @ @ @

Twitter
The phrase “That escalated quickly” may end up being the motto for 2020, with the government’s measures ramping up every time people have had a few days of moaning at them to ramp things up.
The amount of coronavirus, quarantine and hoarding jokes has increased in the same exponential fashion, with other jokes now as rare as a 12-pack of Charmin.
We know the crisis isn’t funny – but these are.
1.
Unfortunate that the guy who drove a JCB with Get Brexit Done written on it through a polystyrene wall has decided that a life or death pandemic is the time for nuanced messaging — Frankie Boyle (@frankieboyle) March 22, 2020
2.
I measure two metres if anyone wants to use me? #KeepYourDistance — Richard Osman (@richardosman) March 22, 2020
3.
regret to announce the government is going ahead with international palm lick handshake day — Chris Boyd 🇬🇧🇵🇭 (@paperghost) March 20, 2020
3.
Spare a thought for those who have been leading a double life and now have to choose which partner to isolate with. — Shappi Khorsandi (@ShappiKhorsandi) March 22, 2020
4.
I’ve either finally tipped over the edge or I just heard a fucking ice cream van. No one wants a Mr Whippy, Darren. Read the fucking room. — 🏳🌈 Max 🏳🌈 (@SpillerOfTea) March 20, 2020
5.
Just bought some of that toilet paper to see what all the fuss is about. — Geraint (@geraintgriffith) March 19, 2020
6.
https://twitter.com/Home_Halfway/status/1240714844640329729?s=19
7.
We’re all having to work with the kids running around us and pulling faces. Rishi Sunak has done very well to remain statesmanlike while Boris tugs at his arm and says he needs a wee-wee — Greg Jenner: 'DEAD FAMOUS OUT MARCH 19TH!' (@greg_jenner) March 20, 2020
8.
Live scenes as coronavirus forces retired doctors back into work: pic.twitter.com/MK6uTvSc5M — Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) March 20, 2020
9.
You know everything is going to fuck when the tories start doing decent things — TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) March 20, 2020
10.


thepoke--2020-03-23--Arnold Schwarzenegger’s coronavirus updates are an unexpected bright spot in dark times

We never thought we ’ d be saying this , but we have a sneaking suspicion that Arnold Schwarzenegger and his pets will be an important resource during the coming months .
For a start , he shared his hand-washing tutorial , which was supposedly aimed at his dog , Cherry .
He hasn ’ t stopped there , though … He had advice on getting fresh air while practising social distancing .
Who was that big guy in the background ?
There was a strong warning about going out …and eating cookies .
Spoilsport .
Arnold ’ s pet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reinforce the message , and got a nip from Cherry for her trouble .
This message highlighted a major issue for struggling families , now that schools are closed to most children .
There are countless charities , some near you , looking for donations of whatever people can spare – a quick search online will show you where to send money .
Above all – listen to sources you can trust – as Arnold , Lulu and miniature pony , Whiskey are doing .
Furthermore , don ’ t forget this very @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t stay indoors and be safe .
Appreciate those who have to go out in the best way you can – by staying the fuck at home .
That thing when you wish Arnold Schwarzenegger was president

Videos
We never thought we’d be saying this, but we have a sneaking suspicion that Arnold Schwarzenegger and his pets will be an important resource during the coming months.
For a start, he shared his hand-washing tutorial, which was supposedly aimed at his dog, Cherry.
I tried to do a hand-washing tutorial for Cherry but I think you guys will pay more attention. Be safe. Wash your hands. Listen to scientists and experts, not foreheads. Together, we can slow this down and protect each other. #COVID19 pic.twitter.com/evDxVu6Etb — Arnold (@Schwarzenegger) March 13, 2020
He hasn’t stopped there, though …
He had advice on getting fresh air while practising social distancing.
Doctors say that riding my bike outside is OK so it’s the only way I’m leaving the house, but if you do ride your bike or go for a walk, don’t stop, avoid social contact. Apologies to everyone but I won’t be stopping on my rides for selfies. Stay positive, stay safe. pic.twitter.com/WAb4h57VAZ — Arnold (@Schwarzenegger) March 16, 2020
Who was that big guy in the background?
There was a strong warning about going out …and eating cookies. Spoilsport.
Arnold’s pet donkey, Lulu, stopped by to reinforce the message, and got a nip from Cherry for her trouble.
I know it’s not easy being home, but we all have to get along. Be like Lulu, not Cherry. Use this time to spread kindness, check in on your family and friends, and of course, no biting. pic.twitter.com/7DfhmYz3lo — Arnold (@Schwarzenegger) March 19, 2020
This message highlighted a major issue for struggling families, now that schools are closed to most children.
A crisis requires improvisation. With schools closed, @ASASafterschool can’t provide our 100,000 kids with after-school programs, but we can still support them. Thanks to my friends @tiktok_us for this incredible $3M donation to feed our families. https://t.co/ips1FOM5lJ pic.twitter.com/jL1gNQ2O5I — Arnold (@Schwarzenegger) March 19, 2020
There are countless charities, some near you, looking for donations of whatever people can spare – a quick search online will show you where to send money.
Above all – listen to sources you can trust – as Arnold, Lulu and miniature pony, Whiskey are doing.
Stay at home as much as possible. Listen to the experts, ignore the morons (foreheads). We will get through this together. pic.twitter.com/FRg41QehuB — Arnold (@Schwarzenegger) March 16, 2020
Furthermore, don’t forget this very important section of society – those who can’t stay indoors and be safe.
Remember to thank the heroes who are serving so selflessly right now – from doctors & nurses to grocery store staff and delivery people. I play an action hero in the movies – they are the real action heroes. pic.twitter.com/GkXpdLOrJs — Arnold (@Schwarzenegger) March 19, 2020
Appreciate those who have to go out in the best way you can – by staying the fuck at home.
READ MORE
That thing when you wish Arnold Schwarzenegger was president
Source Arnold Schwarzenegger Image Arnold Schwarzenegger


thepoke--2020-03-23--This must be the best Gal Gadot choir parody we’ll see – and hear

Internet comedian Jack Douglass records parodies , sketches and even the news in haikus , which he posts to his @ @ @ @ @ and he ’ s a very funny man .
His most recent video is probably @ @ @ @ @ ve seen of the well-intentioned but unfortunate post by Gal Gadot and her celebrity friends @ @ @ @ @ ’ s Imagine .
Jack went with *checks notes* Smash Mouth ’ s All Star @ @ @ @ @ Imagine .
That works far better than we ’ d have imagined .
While the @ @ @ @ @ a fair amount of attention , he also posted the recording to Twitter , where @ @ @ @ @ resulting in more than three million views in three days .
It ’ s picked @ @ @ @ @ , alongside the views .
Probably the best endorsement was this : No shape of @ @ @ @ @ Jack ’ s forehead .
Gal Gadot ’ s celebrity quarantine choir went about as @ @ @ @ @ Imagine – 9 funniest reactions

Pics
Internet comedian Jack Douglass records parodies, sketches and even the news in haikus, which he posts to his various social media accounts, and he’s a very funny man.
His most recent video is probably the best parody we’ve seen of the well-intentioned but unfortunate post by Gal Gadot and her celebrity friends, who sang John Lennon’s Imagine.
Jack went with *checks notes* Smash Mouth’s All Star, to the tune of Imagine.
That works far better than we’d have imagined.
While the YouTube video has been attracting a fair amount of attention, he also posted the recording to Twitter, where it really took off, resulting in more than three million views in three days.
It’s picked up a lot of love, alongside the views.
This is so much better than the original. https://t.co/Q8YuKPdoQW — Scottacular (@Scottcrates) March 22, 2020
we’ve achieved peak quarantine content. I can now happily log off. https://t.co/QQn6aeEzlv — THE DODGER DUDE (@thedodgerdude) March 20, 2020
Probably the best endorsement was this:
No shape of an ‘L’ on Jack’s forehead.
READ MORE
Gal Gadot’s celebrity quarantine choir went about as well as you’d Imagine – 9 funniest reactions
Source jacksfilms Image jacksfilms


thepoke--2020-03-23--Michael Spicer has news about a deadly contagion – no, not that one

We ’ re used to seeing Michael Spicer give futile instructions from the room next door , or demonstrate how @ @ @ @ @ he were Matt Hancock , as well as in many other hilarious performances .
It @ @ @ @ @ say that he ’ s a firm favourite on Twitter , but this performance showed @ @ @ @ @ , if he were to contract a very deadly illness – “ T0553R ” .
@ @ @ @ @ skills , but we didn ’ t know they were so utterly convincing .
It @ @ @ @ @ can be susceptible to T0553R .
The transformation was shown a lot of love .
@ @ @ @ @ one suitable response .
Michael Spicer does “ Matt Hancock as James Bond in Casino @ @

Pics
We’re used to seeing Michael Spicer give futile instructions from the room next door, or demonstrate how James Bond might behave if he were Matt Hancock, as well as in many other hilarious performances.
It’s no exaggeration to say that he’s a firm favourite on Twitter, but this performance showed how unpleasant he could be, if he were to contract a very deadly illness – “T0553R”.
We knew he had acting skills, but we didn’t know they were so utterly convincing. It just shows, that anyone can be susceptible to T0553R.
The transformation was shown a lot of love.
We'll get through this, if we spend the next 18 months being nice to each other and taking out our frustrations on Dominic Cummings alone – he's earned it. Thanks @MrMichaelSpicer https://t.co/mZz6OlOWv5 — Will Austin (@WillAustin1964) March 21, 2020
Dude. That's art. 👌 — Rufus Hound 🌨 (@RufusHound) March 21, 2020
Journalist Poorna Bell had a really important question …
Was it like method acting and you went too far into the character and needed to be reintroduced into society like a feral cat? — Poorna Bell (@poornabell) March 20, 2020
to which there was only one suitable response.
I’ll tell you when it’s my best interests to do so. — Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) March 20, 2020
READ MORE
Michael Spicer does “Matt Hancock as James Bond in Casino Royale”
Source Michael Spicer Image Michael Spicer


thepoke--2020-03-23--From the sublime to the ridiculous – our 23 favourite Awfully British Mum Sayings

As Sunday was Mother ’ s Day , people have been sharing the quaint sayings their mums use or used @ @ @ @ @ some were quaint , some were downright threatening , but we know they didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ is what started it all .
These were our favourites .

Twitter
As Sunday was Mother’s Day, people have been sharing the quaint sayings their mums use or used.
Well, alright, some were quaint, some were downright threatening, but we know they didn’t mean it.
This is what started it all.
As its Mother's day and we love our English, Northern Irish, Scottish,Welsh Mums, Lets hear the words that strike fear from their lovely mouths.
Lets play#AwfullyBritishMumSayings
Sitting on the naughty step are @MaidenWatford@Cute_Cthulhu@ArthurFooksake
🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧 pic.twitter.com/iriX1XmTRL — Awfully British #Tag (@awfullybritish2) March 22, 2020
These were our favourites.
1.
#AwfullyBritishMumSayings
Always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus. — Dixie Wrecked (@bookilyworm) March 22, 2020
2.
https://twitter.com/MaidenWatford/status/1241817102354448384?s=19
3.
If your friend jumped off a cliff would you do it too? #AwfullyBritishMumSayings — Adrian Lui (@adrianlui) March 22, 2020
4.
#AwfullyBritishMumSayings “What did your last slave die of? Do you know what, I’ll do it myself!” — Lee Gilb (@Lee_GiIb) March 22, 2020
5.
#AwfullyBritishMumSayings Sitting that close to the telly will make your eyes go square — Sam Goodman (@SamGoodman990) March 22, 2020
6.
7.
If the wind changes your face will stay like that #AwfullyBritishMumSayings — Kenneth Reading (@KennethReading) March 22, 2020
8.
#AwfullyBritishMumSayings
Wash behind your ears else you'll grow potatoes — Robert Adam (@Robadam69) March 22, 2020
9.
https://twitter.com/loopyblonde/status/1241830569098588163?s=19
10.
#AwfullyBritishMumSayings
If you fall off and break your leg
Don’t come running to me — brenda (@brendaanne66) March 22, 2020
11.
#AwfullyBritishMumSayings
Take your coat off or you'll not feel the benefit when you go out side! — tis me. Nic (@tismenic70) March 22, 2020
12.


thepoke--2020-03-23--This plague doctor in the background was an oddly welcome distraction from the news

The news took an unexpected turn recently , during a broadcast about the coronavirus pandemic by the BBC ’ s @ @ @ @ @ wandered into shot wearing the mask of a plague doctor .
It seemed depressingly apt @ @ @ @ @ the distraction .
It caused historian Dr Phil Weir to suggest this link .
This @ @ @ @ @ because something very weird happens in the background

Twitter
The news took an unexpected turn recently, during a broadcast about the coronavirus pandemic by the BBC’s Helena Wilkinson, when someone wandered into shot wearing the mask of a plague doctor.
‘You want me to do a live news broadcast from Leicester Square?’ ‘Yeah it’ll be fine, everyone is at home’ ‘Oh okay, if you’re sure’ pic.twitter.com/nJAaEXGOpP — Chris Smith (@chrissssmith) March 20, 2020
It seemed depressingly apt, but people still enjoyed the distraction.
1.
Bravo the guy dressed up as a plague doctor during tonight's news in Leicester Square 😅 #CoronaCrisis pic.twitter.com/zMgih7yF0D — 🎮🍒Nikki🍒 🎮 (@GlamandGeeky) March 20, 2020
2.
THERE'S A PLAGUE DOCTOR CREEPING AROUND IN LEICESTER SQUARE. pic.twitter.com/KeJ0ngW2sG — Lotty Earns (@lottyburns) March 20, 2020
3.
Already find this less terrifying than videos of people sitting near each other in a pub pic.twitter.com/ZRC75uyg37 — James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 20, 2020
4.
Just saw the plague doctor in Leicester Square on the news lmao Brits don't do surgical face masks we just go straight to plague doctor no biggie vid courtesy of my friend pic.twitter.com/WCFUaBBKti — 🇭🇰 SAFE 4 SKEL AGENDA 🇭🇰 (@skeletate) March 20, 2020
5.
"its deserted in London" …. and like magic, a bloke with a plague mask wanders across the live-shot. Unbelievable scenes. pic.twitter.com/RA3bFkjORK — Mark Di Stefano (@MarkDiStef) March 20, 2020
6.
The news has been the most depressing of things. This is golden. https://t.co/ptq6yw9kwe — Dr Emily Garside (@EmiGarside) March 20, 2020
7.
The art of taking the piss will be the very last thing this country will lose, makes one proud to be British https://t.co/ZlsrLazBrP — Think Defence (@thinkdefence) March 20, 2020
8.
Some people have been waiting their entire lives for this. https://t.co/4WHin53m6V — Patrick S. Tomlinson (@stealthygeek) March 20, 2020
It caused historian Dr Phil Weir to suggest this link.
"And now we go live to @BBCHelena who is currently just outside the 17th Century…"😂 https://t.co/7LSl9pEM2g — Dr Phil Weir (@navalhistorian) March 20, 2020
Which makes perfect sense, because …
Rees-Mogg makes an impromtu appearance wearing his coronavirus mask 🤣🤣 pic.twitter.com/IKFyBNPhNV — Sue Hyams (@Wkdsusie) March 20, 2020
READ MORE
This BBC News clip went viral because something very weird happens in the background
Source Chris Smith Image BBC News


thepoke--2020-03-23--A Melbourne Zoo worker made their live broadcast absolutely fabulous with his fan dance

A zookeeper named Adam has gone viral after spicing up Melbourne Zoo ’ s live broadcast from the giraffe enclosure @ @ @ @ @ sure why he did it , but we ’ re glad he did and so @ @ @ @ @ to see the animals in real life while the zoo has been restricting visitors to @ @ @ @ @ .
We feel bad for the people passing by on the other side of the @ @ @ @ @ what a show they were missing .
Facebook users flocked to ABC ’ s clip @ @ @ @ @ s performance .
Satomi Kitty Goh asked what we were all wondering .
This zoo @ @ @ @ @ visitors to the bear enclosure but it doesn ’ t , it really doesn ’ @

Videos
A zookeeper named Adam has gone viral after spicing up Melbourne Zoo’s live broadcast from the giraffe enclosure.
We’re not sure why he did it, but we’re glad he did and so are the many people unable to see the animals in real life while the zoo has been restricting visitors to prevent the spread of Covid-19.
We feel bad for the people passing by on the other side of the fence, not realising just what a show they were missing.
Facebook users flocked to ABC’s clip to comment on Adam’s performance.
Satomi Kitty Goh asked what we were all wondering.
“When’s the next show?”
READ MORE
This zoo sign is supposed to reassure visitors to the bear enclosure but it doesn’t, it really doesn’t
Source ABC Image ABC


thepoke--2020-03-23--A politician compared the coronavirus to the Blitz and got shot down in flames

Former UKIP MEP , Godfrey Bloom , is one of the most reliable characters on the British political scene , because he can always be relied upon to say and do outrageous things that show him to have some seriously outdated and unpleasant views .
The time he referred to women as sluts – in the original sense of being bad at housework – and said they should clean behind their fridges .
When he hit Michael Crick with a UKIP party conference brochure for asking why the people on it were all white .
Describing countries to which the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Land .
As the government told people to stay away from pubs , clubs and restaurants , Bloom became the 17.4 millionth person to compare the fight against Covid-19 with World War II , when he made this comment .
His not-so-hot take went down as well as you ’ d expect , and Twitter was flooded with reactions like these .
Author and radio presenter , James O ’ Brien , was understandably bemused by the phenomenon of people defying calls for social distancing when the awful repercussions are clear .
Iain @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and the takedowns were historic

Twitter
Former UKIP MEP, Godfrey Bloom, is one of the most reliable characters on the British political scene, because he can always be relied upon to say and do outrageous things that show him to have some seriously outdated and unpleasant views.
Examples include:
The time he referred to women as sluts – in the original sense of being bad at housework – and said they should clean behind their fridges. When he hit Michael Crick with a UKIP party conference brochure for asking why the people on it were all white. Describing countries to which the UK sent aid as “Bongo Bongo Land.
As the government told people to stay away from pubs, clubs and restaurants, Bloom became the 17.4 millionth person to compare the fight against Covid-19 with World War II, when he made this comment.
His not-so-hot take went down as well as you’d expect, and Twitter was flooded with reactions like these.
1.
Yeah but you didn't catch bombs on a handrail, walk about with it for a week & then kill your Grandpa.
Ya fuckin' arsehole pic.twitter.com/vlcxfByriy — joe heenan (@joeheenan) March 20, 2020
2.
Hi. I’m a fucking Idiot. You may know me from comments like “I’m still going to the pub”, “we survived WW2” and “cough”. — Robin Flavell (@RobinFlavell) March 21, 2020
3.
Can't even go out for eight pints of bitter before going home to pass a life threatening respiratory disease onto an elderly relative now. Political correctness gone mad. https://t.co/nD5PALqA6h — GeorgeWeahsCousin (@WeahsCousin) March 20, 2020
4.
They had idiot children like you. https://t.co/h1De1yEIr0 — Brian Backspurgon (@BrianSpanner1) March 20, 2020
5.
It’s a virus, Gerald, not the Luftwaffe https://t.co/kyPEhdIjyG — ✨ Dean Tāne ✨ (@Maccadaynu) March 20, 2020
6.
The bombs weren't being dropped in the FUCKING LOUNGE, GODFREY, YOU FUCKING HYPERBOLIC CUSTARD BLOODED BELLEND https://t.co/vamlhWMaOk — Relentlessly Watching LOTR ☭ 🇵🇸 (@Red_UnderTheBed) March 20, 2020
7.
Fuck it. Let's all have a giant group hug and kick each others faces in Leicester Square. As long as we sing Roll Out The Barrels we'll survive. https://t.co/iJKXN1aDCF — Ariana Grundy (@GrundyOxford) March 20, 2020
8.
Godfrey Bloom managing to survive the Blitz by not being born for another 8 years. Clever. — Bethany Black (@BeffernieBlack) March 20, 2020
9.
Your tweet is shit and your head reminded me that I can’t get eggs, cheers. — James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 20, 2020
Plot twist:
*The Blitz predominantly happened at night.
*The Pubs weren't open.
*You couldn't catch a Doodlebug by sitting in a pub.
*You thick fuck. https://t.co/9C2o6ekxcg — Matthew Black (@NoirMJ) March 20, 2020
Author and radio presenter, James O’Brien, was understandably bemused by the phenomenon of people defying calls for social distancing when the awful repercussions are clear.
He shared this depressing reflection.
Do we really need to explain to people that going to the pub in Britain in 1941 didn’t actually help Hitler kill British people? And that comparisons with pandemic response strategies are therefore not only very stupid but also very dangerous? Apparently we do.
So we will. — James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) March 21, 2020
READ MORE
Iain Duncan Smith compared Brexit to the Reformation and the takedowns were historic
Source Godfrey Bloom Image @marvelous on Unsplash


‘Fantastic last sentence’

‘ Fantastic last sentence , ’ said @ twlldun over on Twitter .
And our favourite things people said about @ @

Popular
Payoff of the week.
‘Fantastic last sentence,’ said @twlldun over on Twitter.
Boom!
And our favourite things people said about it.
What a wonderfully unintended pun https://t.co/xHsm4szCCS — Peter Caddick-Adams, PhD, FRHistS, FRGS (@militaryhistori) March 22, 2020
(Kinda hoping he got cut off and the next bit was “only virginal blood will banish this pestilence from our fair isle”, and then he stared pointedly at someone walking past’s throat) — . (@twlldun) March 22, 2020
Still laughing at this. https://t.co/g6YPXtns4F — Julia Indelicate (@juliaindelicate) March 23, 2020
READ MORE
This Italian guy insisting on going out for coffee is much needed light relief right now
Source Twitter @twlldun


thepoke--2020-03-23--VIDEO OF THE DAY: Watch Spanish police entertaining families on coronavirus lockdown

Police officers in Mallorca Spain have been singing to residents confined to their homes under a nationwide lockdown amid the @ @ @ @ @ the town of Algaida , Heidi Friedenberger , filmed the cops emerging from their car @ @ @ @ @ neighbours watched on .
And here are just some of the things people were saying @ @ @ @ @ ’ s epic conference call fail is a salutary lesson never to take your laptop @ @ @

Exclusive
Police officers in Mallorca Spain have been singing to residents confined to their homes under a nationwide lockdown amid the coronavirus outbreak
One resident of the town of Algaida, Heidi Friedenberger, filmed the cops emerging from their car, leading a sing-song as neighbours watched on.
Ni andalucía ni valencia. ❤ pic.twitter.com/TkctveMUkM — Ada Jo. March (@adamarch83) March 21, 2020
And here are just some of the things people were saying about it.
The police in Mallorca. Not what you expect ❤ https://t.co/cXngsGYlOO — sophieraworth (@sophieraworth) March 22, 2020
Spaniards are just different. The policia rock up to enforce the lockdown… Their own way. https://t.co/5dvLqMz5NU — Richard Chambers (@newschambers) March 22, 2020
I LOVE THIS. This is the human spirit. https://t.co/HoJUBpTy3U — Victoria Stilwell (@VictoriaS) March 22, 2020
Sometimes… there is a little levity 🙂 https://t.co/IQMom7UX2b — My name is Byf (Lore Daddy) (@MyNameIsByf) March 22, 2020
READ MORE
This woman’s epic conference call fail is a salutary lesson never to take your laptop to the bathroom
Source @adamarch83


thepoke--2020-03-23--This woman’s epic conference call fail is a salutary lesson never to take your laptop to the bathroo

This woman’s epic conference call fail is a salutary lesson never to take your laptop to the bathroom

You ’ ve probably had a few nightmare conference calls in the past and , let ’ s face it @ @ @ @ @ going to have a few more in the next few weeks and months .
But @ @ @ @ @ suffered a conference call fail quite as cringeworthy and just plain awful as this one @

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You’ve probably had a few nightmare conference calls in the past and, let’s face it, you’re probably going to have a few more in the next few weeks and months.
But you’ve surely never suffered a conference call fail quite as cringeworthy and just plain awful as this one.
When working from home goes wrong 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Yd3mPdkf6Y — Baby Goat🐐 #NoDaysOff🇬🇭🇬🇭🇬🇭 (@Blayofficial) March 21, 2020
NOOOO!!!!
She just got do all the meetings from the toilet now — Colin Kaepernigga Jr. (@_Natrone410) March 22, 2020
“Poor jennifer” and “i seen nothing” ARE SENDING ME 😂😂😂😂 — Janae (@naesoboojee) March 22, 2020
The way all the women in the group were like 😬😳 and the ONE man was like 😀 — sweet, technological baby with a magic bag (@bryttanybee) March 22, 2020
I been dying laughing for like 4 minutes straight….look at EVERYONE'S reaction one by one with the vid on loop….I really needed that laugh today — PepperBae (@KushAndOatmeal) March 22, 2020
Source @BlayOfficial H/T Indy100


thepoke--2020-03-23--Simply 23 tweets that will be instantly relatable to anyone homeschooling right now

With most schools now shut across the UK , parents across the country are experiencing the joys of homeschooling for @ @ @ @ @ you ’ re one of them then rest assured we know exactly how you ’ @ @ @ @ @ These 23 tweets should make you feel better .
If you ’ ve got time @ @ @ @ @ .

Twitter
With most schools now shut across the UK, parents across the country are experiencing the joys of homeschooling for the first time.
If you’re one of them then rest assured we know exactly how you’re feeling right now.
These 23 tweets should make you feel better. If you’ve got time to read them, obviously.
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One of the mums on our what's app group has already designated today an inset day #HomeSchooling — Rachel Burden (@rachelburden) March 23, 2020
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Good luck if you’re #homeschooling today. My 4 year old just asked to see the lunch menu. — Tamsin Winter (@MsWinterTweets) March 23, 2020
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Homeschooling is hard. I walked away for one minute. #TrueStory pic.twitter.com/Jaf1thgs6t — Jason Kander (@JasonKander) March 19, 2020
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homeschooling during quarantine be like pic.twitter.com/76rQt29CLV — MAMA SHOCKS (@mikaylashocks) March 20, 2020
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Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class. — OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) March 17, 2020
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https://twitter.com/zoehanson1/status/1242042537147273217?s=20
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Been homeschooling your kid for 3 days… and now you realize the teacher was telling the truth about em. — Andrew Hawkins (@Hawk) March 19, 2020
10.
If you see my kids locked outside the house mind your own business, we are having a fire drill #Homeschooling — Joe Denly (@joed1986) March 23, 2020
11.


thepoke--2020-03-23--‘This is just funny …’

‘This is just funny …’

The video of this couple doing , well , let ’ s not spoil the surprise , went wildly viral @ @ @ @ @ , it ’ s just funny .

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The video of this couple doing, well, let’s not spoil the surprise, went wildly viral because like @mmjblair says, it’s just funny.
This is just funny… pic.twitter.com/9bd69jCcFs — Michael Blair (@mmjblair) March 21, 2020
Uncanny.
Why would people even think to do this…. but it's very funny! Think this self isolating is making people go nuts….👍🏻😁🤣😂💚💛 — Kat (@Kitkat73773585) March 22, 2020
Who is this couple? I love them!!! pic.twitter.com/pB8ZxkCmKG — Jeremy Vine (@theJeremyVine) March 23, 2020
In short …
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Liam Gallagher singing ‘Champagne Soapernova’ is our favourite hand washing routine
Source @mmjblair


thepoke--2020-03-23--Liam Gallagher singing ‘Champagne Soapernova’ is our favourite hand washing routine

There ’ s been no shortage of alternatives to singing ‘ happy birthday ’ ( twice ) while washing your @ @ @ @ @ by Liam Gallagher , is a bit special .
And there was a bit of @ @ @

Videos
There’s been no shortage of alternatives to singing ‘happy birthday’ (twice) while washing your hands but this one, by Liam Gallagher, is a bit special.
Back by popular demand here’s champagne SOAPERNOVA thank you all for washing and I’ll see you down the road LG x pic.twitter.com/omk9Fr7OSk — Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) March 21, 2020
Keep washing your hands, folks!
Don't forget to wash your hands after tweeting this — Nameless (@nameless_nm) March 21, 2020
Shit yeah — Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) March 21, 2020
enough for today liam, you gave us a lot of content now you can finally rest — (@niallsinmyheart) March 21, 2020
Ha ha is that your polite way of saying fuck off if so I hear ya — Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) March 21, 2020
And there was a bit of this too.
Okay now Soap Might Say then — Oscar Dayus (@dayusz) March 21, 2020
Now we need toilet roll with it — (@Kaylamurphy_X) March 21, 2020
READ MORE
20 favourite Liam Gallagher quotes and insults
Source @liamgallagher


thepoke--2020-03-24--These 14 doormats are simply perfect for the lockdown

Just as people aren ’ t supposed to be going out , other people aren ’ t supposed to be @ @ @ @ @ s never been a better time to have one of these doormats .

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We wouldn’t usually associate the humble doormat as being a vehicle for comedy, but it would appear that ‘doormat wit’ is a thing. And often a very splendid thing.
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thepoke--2020-03-24--Laughter won’t kill coronavirus but it’s a good excuse for peeing yourself – 21 favourite jokes

So …it ’ s finally happened – that thing that Piers Morgan has been clamouring for , but poorer people @ @ @ @ @ , they ’ ve closed Greggs .
To be fair , people aren ’ t @ @ @ @ @ s for something essential , and we ’ re not sure that either a steak @ @ @ @ @ roll fit the bill .

Twitter
So …it’s finally happened – that thing that Piers Morgan has been clamouring for, but poorer people have been dreading. Yes, they’ve closed Greggs.
To be fair, people aren’t allowed out unless it’s for something essential, and we’re not sure that either a steak bake or a vegan sausage roll fit the bill.
In other coronavirus news …
1.
Trying to explain fractions to my youngest son. Doing my best not to explain it in terms of how much less I love him with every passing moment. — Ed Byrne (@MrEdByrne) March 23, 2020
2.
I’m doing comedy gigs to the family at the moment. Really tough crowds, ‘Whats your name and what do you do?’ ‘I’m your wife and I do fucking everything’. #COVIDー19 #UKlockdown #StayHomeSaveLives — Hal Cruttenden (@Halcruttenden) March 23, 2020
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A teardrop tattoo means you killed someone in prison. A toilet paper tattoo means you killed someone in a Costco. — Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) March 21, 2020
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Old people are cutting about Glasgow like they've formed a search party to go and look for the Coronavirus — Frankie Boyle (@frankieboyle) March 20, 2020
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This is like when it’s nearly the end of your shift and you shrug and say “Can’t help you mate, I’ll pass it over to my boss though.” pic.twitter.com/VpMrWDleOV — Chris 🎬 (@illucifer) March 20, 2020
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Massive respect to my co-worker who dialled in to a video call smartly dressed with a nice shirt and well chosen tie then walked off mid conversation to get rid of his dog revealing he was naked from the waist down — (@Luke_who_) March 23, 2020
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This is one fucking elaborate launch strategy for Disney+ in the UK. — Ross Maclean (@ross_maclean) March 23, 2020
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Quarantine routine: I just want to share what works for me. To give structure and a sense of stability
9 am – look at my phone from bed
12pm: breakfast
12.30: look at my phone on the couch
8pm: dinner
9pm: watch Tv & look at my phone
12: go to bed & look at my phone in the dark — Emilie Zoey Baker (@easybee) March 21, 2020
9.
Things you can do while social distancing: – Self-reflect
– Keep a journal
– Study the wallpaper
– Creep around
– Inch ever closer to madness due to the oppressive nature of 19th-century gender roles — SparkNotes (@SparkNotes) March 20, 2020
10.
Day 4 of not going out. I blame Lee Mack. He made it look much more fun than this. — David Baddiel (@Baddiel) March 20, 2020
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thepoke--2020-03-24--Someone left a topical surprise for the next person to remodel their bathroom

Reddit user aarontminded has been doing a spot of DIY , something that may see a boom over the next three – and probably more – weeks , as the UK joins other countries in quarantine .
He decided to place an unusual time capsule under the new flooring – one that is particularly apt , both to its location and to the times in which we live .
He left a note , explaining the circumstances – and it ’ s awash with puns .
It ’ s a bit tricky to read , so here ’ s the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ As I pen this , the great Toilet Paper Pandemic rolls on , decimating the Dow while Charmin surges .
I leave you this rapidly diminishing resource as a valiant measure of solidarity .
Carry on without us , and know that in our final hours , not all of us were willing to wipe away our humanity .
I ask only that you pass on this generosity ; share in the wealth bequeathed to you .
Turn the other cheek as it were .
Whether you buy a yacht , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ given to charity , please do not allow this inheritance to ply you from the morals and ethics you know to be true .
Such unexpected splendor has a tendency to flush away what we know best .
But hold fast , pay heed to your moral compass , and make that your bottom line .
Did you spot all the puns ?
They bowled us over .
This is what Reddit thought of Aaron ’ s efforts .
We can ’ t doff our caps enough to this comment .
‘ This @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 30 years time when the next guy replaces the decking ’

Pics
Reddit user aarontminded has been doing a spot of DIY, something that may see a boom over the next three – and probably more – weeks, as the UK joins other countries in quarantine.
He decided to place an unusual time capsule under the new flooring – one that is particularly apt, both to its location and to the times in which we live.
He left a note, explaining the circumstances – and it’s awash with puns.
It’s a bit tricky to read, so here’s the text version. You’re welcome.
“As I pen this, the great Toilet Paper Pandemic rolls on, decimating the Dow while Charmin surges. I leave you this rapidly diminishing resource as a valiant measure of solidarity. Carry on without us, and know that in our final hours, not all of us were willing to wipe away our humanity. I ask only that you pass on this generosity; share in the wealth bequeathed to you. Turn the other cheek as it were. Whether you buy a yacht, a business, or a portion is given to charity, please do not allow this inheritance to ply you from the morals and ethics you know to be true. Such unexpected splendor has a tendency to flush away what we know best. But hold fast, pay heed to your moral compass , and make that your bottom line. Best Regards.”
Did you spot all the puns? They bowled us over.
This is what Reddit thought of Aaron’s efforts.
We can’t doff our caps enough to this comment.
A time crapsule for crap times. Makes perfect sense.
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‘This is going to be so funny in 30 years time when the next guy replaces the decking’
Source r/funny Image r/funny


thepoke--2020-03-24--This 6-year-old guitarist’s performance has gone viral, and we’re in awe

Six-year-old Miumiu from Nanjing has been learning to play the guitar since she was three , and it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ the mini YouTuber .
Her latest video is a cover of the easy-listening classic , @ @ @ @ @ and her measured performance would be impressive from someone three times her age .
It @ @ @ @ @ s minds .
Inevitably , the clip made its way onto Twitter , where it @ @ @ @ @ five million people .
The song plus quarantine was just too much for one person @ @ @ @ @ are leaking .
This viral clip of an amazing 8-year-old drummer is blowing people ’ @ @

Videos
Six-year-old Miumiu from Nanjing has been learning to play the guitar since she was three, and it’s been time well spent for the mini YouTuber.
Her latest video is a cover of the easy-listening classic, I Wish You Love, and her measured performance would be impressive from someone three times her age. It’s blowing people’s minds.
Inevitably, the clip made its way onto Twitter, where it has been viewed by almost five million people.
I’ve wasted my life having never learned to play guitar and here we are at the end ☹🥺 pic.twitter.com/Cd99OSZyWl — fwmj.com/work ☭ 🇵🇸 (@fwmj) March 21, 2020
Me whenever someone I like doesn’t text me back within five minutes https://t.co/bfzp3FJvd1 — Meg Stalter (@megstalter) March 23, 2020
Drop the album sis. https://t.co/3ZHVmpDQlD — Seun's Not Here (@seunhere) March 22, 2020
The song plus quarantine was just too much for one person.
I had this quarantine thing handled. this is the video that broke me. pic.twitter.com/SRBdyukZC6 — mwami (@onomwamii) March 22, 2020
No, your eyes are leaking.
READ MORE
This viral clip of an amazing 8-year-old drummer is blowing people’s minds
Source Miumiu Image Miumiu