thehuffingtonpostuk--2020-06-03--What Happens To Your Sense Of Self In Motherhood? Listen To Our Podcast

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In this week’s episode of Am I Making You Uncomfortable? we wanted to tackle another underreported topic – identity in motherhood – specifically, how your sense of self changes when you become a parent and as your children grow up – and how the intersection of other identities plays into parenthood as a whole.
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Co-host Rachel Moss and I were thrilled to be joined by two women on the podcast who are each carving out spaces for all mothers to feel represented: Candice Brathwaite, author of I Am Not Your Baby Mother and the founder of Make Motherhood Diverse, and Kate Everall of LesBeMums, an award-winning blog documenting the life of her two-mum family and other LGBTQ+ issues.
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You can subscribe, download and listen to Am I Making You Uncomfortable? on Spotify, Apple Podcasts and all major podcasting platforms and you’ll also find a transcript of our chat below to make the podcast accessible to more of HuffPost’s readers and listeners.
Join in the conversation on social media by using the hashtag #AIMYU – and go behind the scenes by subscribing to our podcast newsletter to hear what inspired us to tackle the topics you’re probably too squeamish to talk about.
HuffPost UK Am I Making You Uncomfortable? co-hosts Brogan Driscoll and Rachel Moss
Episode 6: Transcript
Brogan Driscoll:
Hello, and welcome to HuffPost’s brand new weekly podcast, Am I Making You Uncomfortable? Presented by me Brogan Driscoll.
Rachel Moss:
And me, Rachel Moss. This podcast is a frank, honest conversation about women’s bodies, health and private lives. This week, we’re discussing motherhood and identity. We’ll be joined by Candice Brathwaite, author of I Am Not Your Baby Mother, and Kate Everall who runs the same sex family blog, LesBeMums.
Brogan:
You’re listening to Am I Making You Uncomfortable? And if you want to join the conversation the hashtag is #AIMYU.
Testimonial 1:
The thing about motherhood is that it’s a permanent state of being. I’m the same person, but it’s like a new lens descended through which I have to look, so everything is the same but tinted. The way I work, celebrate love is colored slightly differently. It’s in my body too, I think, because it’s not entirely mine anymore. That might not be permanent, but while the children are small, they need to cling and on a hot night when they’re sad and hot and tetchy, the edges of you and the edges of them blur. Maybe that is permanent, I don’t know.
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Testimonial 2:
The thing I wish I’d known is that there’s a lot of pressure with being a parent. There’s a lot of pressure on yourself. There’s a lot of outward pressure from working. There’s a lot of outward pressure from other mothers who see you and think you should be doing things differently. And the one thing I would say is that you have to be able to compartmentalise what’s important and what’s not. That only comes from experience, and that’s the hardest part of being a mum, it’s how things change. Your identity changes and how relationships change. And it’s really hard to get your head around, but it happens. And you have to.
Brogan:
First I think, considering we’re talking about motherhood, we need to front up the fact that neither Rachel nor I are mothers, but we are at an age where a lot of our friends are becoming mothers and learning indirectly how all-consuming it can be. Although I have been warned by a lot of my mum friends that you never know quite what it is to be a mum until you are suddenly a mum. What’s really interesting is to hear about, I guess, how they’re navigating the many expectations and pressures.
Rachel:
Yeah, I’ve heard that a lot from friends as well. I think we’ve got a few mums now, but for quite a while there was just one person who was a mum by themselves and no one else was. And I think that’s quite a hard thing to deal with. And she was kind of saying you don’t want to be that person who says, “Oh, you don’t really understand because you’re not a mum.” Because, on the one hand, that can be quite irritating to us non-mums but actually, the reality is we don’t understand because we’re not mums.
And I think as a non parent, it is super helpful and just insightful to have these conversations because it helps you help your pals. But it also helps you make decisions about your own life as well later down the line. And if you don’t talk about it as a non-parent, literally you have even less idea about what it’s going to be like. Do you know what I mean?
Brogan:
Yeah, definitely. I think, even more so in lockdown, that I’ve become just so much more aware of children, because how many video chat meetings have we had where suddenly one of our colleague’s kids just legs into the room and starts clambering all over their mum or dad, and they’re trying to have a conversation with their colleague? For someone who’s not a parent to see a window, literally via my screen, into what my friends and colleagues’ homes are like with their children is just really eye-opening.
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Rachel:
Yeah. It’s interesting you say about the colleagues: one of the things one of our colleagues said that’s really stuck with me, so she’s a mum, and we were talking about how bizarrely we’re really missing commuting at the moment. And she said that, “When I’m at home, I’m mum. When I’m at work, I’m a manager, I’m a professional self.” And commuting, that hour on a train, is the only time she just gets to be ‘me’. She was… In terms of identity she was just, without that hour, there is no me-time. There is no answering texts to my friends, plugging into a podcast without interruptions, any of that stuff.
And it just really highlighted for me how I think we all wear so many hats anyway, our self with our friends, our self with our parents, our selves at work. But then if you’re a mum, it’s a whole other hat that you have to put on that really you can’t take off. It’s on there. There’s no changing.
Brogan:
It’s like a bonnet, tied under your chin.
Rachel:
Yeah. Locked down.
Brogan:
Also, I think it’s so important that when we’re talking about motherhood that we make sure that we are including a diverse range of voices in that conversation. Because in my experience, and a kind of indirect experience, all of the mothers I’m talking about are white, middle class, straight women. And their experience of motherhood is not the motherhood that every woman experiences. And it’s so important to make sure that we’re including all women in this conversation.
Rachel:
Yeah, definitely. And I think if either of us are ever mums, we don’t know what type of mums… even though I hate the word type… But, we don’t know what type of mums we will be. And, therefore, the more voices you hear the better.
Brogan:
Definitely.
Testimonial 3:
When my second child was born, I was diagnosed with postnatal anxiety. I visited my GP and got cognitive behavioural therapy as a result. This helped me realise that I had probably suffered from this after the birth of my first child, but I’d also lived with low level anxiety without really realisng. I coped with my anxiety by, sort of, withdrawing from the world and thought that this was kind of normal. But once I had small children, that wasn’t really possible so becoming a mother changed my outlook on my own mental health completely. And I’ve had to develop new strategies to cope with anxiety when it does kick in.
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Testimonial 4:
I’d been a mother for 40 years when I lost both of my children, some five years apart, after a decade of supporting them through physical and mental illness. My grief was compounded by a profound sense of loss of identity. I didn’t know who I was anymore, what my life was about. How could I be a mother when I no longer had children? How could I not be a mother when I’d given birth and raised two sons? I’d become an oxymoron, a childless parent.
Testimonial 5:
I wish someone had warned me about that massive transition from having to give almost our entire lives and energy to care for our tiny newborn baby and being the very centre of their world for so long, to being a mum of a teenager where you are lucky if you actually feature in their world at all; to that huge sense of loss, and grief, and bewilderment mixed in with pride. But that massive loss, when they finally leave home, it’s a massive shift.
Brogan:
Today we’re joined by Candice Brathwaite, the author of I Am Not Your Baby Mother and the founder of Make Motherhood Diverse, an initiative described as an act of inclusion. We’re also joined by Kate Everall who runs award-winning blog, LesBeMums, writing about life as a two mum family.
Rachel:
Thank you so much to both of you for joining us. We’re really, really excited to have you both on the show. And, we thought we’d kick things off with the mother of all questions, to excuse the pun, did you always know that you wanted to be mums? Maybe let’s start with Candice first. Did you always know that you want it to be a mum?
Candice Brathwaite:
Oh, no, completely not. I think the opposite. I’ve always thought I didn’t want to be a mum. I’m the eldest to three siblings and my mum was a single parent, and there are seven years between each of us. And I always felt like I had to lose a lot of my childhood to being a mum to them. And so having children of my own was never in the picture for me.
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Rachel:
And you’re really open about that in your book. In the first chapter you say, “I knew I didn’t always want to be a mum.” And you shared your experience of before you were a mum now to your two children. You were pregnant in the past and decided it wasn’t the right time....
Candice:
Yeah.
Rachel:
Was that hard to talk about, because we don’t often hear a lot about mums talking about abortion or just talking about their pre-mum lives really in the mum community.
Candice:
I don’t think it was hard for me, but I think that’s because even online I just present as a naturally open book. I appreciate the many who present online, especially in the parenting space, they feel they have to be glossy and this cookie-cutter type parent. Not me, mate. I’m just a black girl from South London, so even trying to be cookie-cutter would be really silly. So, in some ways that is my privilege. I don’t have to fit in because I never even would. And so it didn’t feel difficult being honest about that at all.
Rachel:
Yeah. I love that. That’s really great.
Kate Everall:
Oh, God. I love that so much.
Rachel:
Kate, how about you? Did you always want to be a mum?
Kate:
No, not really at all. It was quite the opposite. If my colleagues would bring a baby into the office I would sort of go, “Eeee.” But if they brought a dog into the office or a puppy I’d be like, “Oh, puppies.” And I wasn’t maternal. Nothing when ping, ping, ping when I saw a baby. But it’s when I think I’d been with my wife for a number of years that suddenly I just got a bit… I don’t know. Something happened where I just started yearning to expand my family.
I mean, we had a dog, we had cats. We pretty much ticked everything off, even in an aquarium. And I thought, “You know what? Let’s do something a bit different.” Which is an understatement for two mums. And we just started to go with it. And obviously when you’re in a same sex relationship, you obviously have to have the discussion over who would carry and things like that, but I was pretty keen on doing it myself from the start anyway. Obviously if Sharon had a bigger urge to do it then obviously I would have let her go first, so to speak, but I was quite happy to go first with it.
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Rachel:
Thank you for sharing that. Obviously we’re talking about identity so was there a moment, after becoming mothers, that you really started to identify with the notion of motherhood?
Candice:
My one moment was I got really sick after having Esme, my first kid, and I had to stay in intensive care while she went home with my mum. Looking back, it was just this energy of me not even caring about my own health. I was just like: this overwhelming urgency of needing to see my kid, “Is my kid alright? Is my kid…” And even the surgeons and everyone looking after me was like, “No. Actually, you have to be the focus now, if not your kid doesn’t get a mum.” I think that moment was really powerful, because even when she was born I didn’t have that immediate rush of Oxytocin, or whatever you have for your kids. It just didn’t… It took a while.
But it’s not until there was even the idea that maybe four days old I can’t see her, I can’t feed her. The panic that came over me, I think that’s when I was like, “Oh, you’re really a mum now. This is what they describe as that need to just always protect them.” Which, I have to say, doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Because even my relationship with my mum: she’s definitely not that way with me. So, it’s really important to note that not everyone has that feeling, so I also don’t want people to think, “Oh, I’ve never felt that. Am I not a mum?” That’s just what it was for me.
Rachel:
We also wanted to talk to you about health inequality today because we know that it’s something that you’ve talked about a lot in the past, certainly Candice, in terms of being a black mother. Black women are five times more likely to die in childbirth. It’s a huge part of black motherhood. Is this something that you… – this might be quite ignorant of me to ask but I’m going to ask you, because I think a lot of listeners will want to ask the same – Is this something that you grew up knowing, or something that you suddenly learn when you’re a black woman who is pregnant?
Candice:
Oh, you definitely suddenly learn it. I had no concept of that data, and the data didn’t publicly become available til the end of 2018 anyway. So, even though I think we know as a group of people that there is unconscious bias towards us in many spaces, it’s always one of those things where you have to come with the data. And so when the data became available it was like, “Oh, now we have the numbers to back up what we already intrinsically feel but couldn’t get our point across, because no one in parliament wants to hear that you feel like something bad is being done to you.”
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And I think even… especially now in this space where in with this pandemic, we’re seeing the same data with the amount of deaths in regards to BAME people. And there’s nothing positive about this, but it really is bringing some things into the forefront. America have been very ahead of the UK in admitting the discrepancies in health care when it comes to black, pregnant women. Beyonce and Serena Williams’ birth experience shows us that money doesn’t change anything.
Rachel:
Yeah, absolutely.
Candice:
You could still be on your death bed as a millionaire/billionaire, and you’d be written off.
Testimonial 6:
My advice that I would give to any parent, particularly mothers, is to trust your instinct. You do build an instinct as to what is right and what is the best decision or the best needs for your child. There’s so much conflicting advice and information out there, so I would say trust your instincts, know when you have to fight for your child and know that you, as the parent, know your child best.
Rachel:
Yeah. We were talking, before you two joined the call, about how… So, Brogan and I aren’t mums, but we’ve got more and more friends who are becoming them, so we’re fascinated by watching them from afar, sort of their identities change and the way that they talk and operate change. But they’re still, at the core, the same person. I feel, like with my group of friends, there’s such a split between… One of my friends always makes jokes that she forgets that she’s a mum on a regular basis. She’s like, “Shit, where’s the baby?” Like, she’s not that kind of person.
Brogan:
I think that’d be me. I’m so bad.
Rachel:
Oh, then I’ve got another friend who’s like, “I feel like a different person. It’s consumed me so much.” So, it’s kind of two ends of the scale. For you two, how has motherhood impacted your own sense of self? Does any of that resonate with you?
Kate:
For me, absolutely. I don’t often see myself represented in society, so I found it very difficult to try and fit in. And certainly, as well as a mother, I’m a woman and I’m a gay woman so I’m trying to balance those different parts of my identity together. And I felt, when I became a mother, that as soon as I became a mother I couldn’t… not identify as a lesbian but certainly I couldn’t do the things that were important to me, because suddenly I became a mother and that was a priority. But actually you can be all of that all at one time.
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And if anything, sometimes some things will improve other parts of you. I feel as my son has got older he’s made my activism for gay rights a lot stronger, because actually I’m seeing the effects of the inequalities on him. You know, he’s not represented in the media, in children’s books. So actually, by becoming a mother, I’ve seen things that still need to be done in society whereas before I had a very almost rudimentary outlook on what was needed. But actually, since having him, I’ve been able to improve on that and other things, if that makes sense
Candice:
For me, I really see my motherhood and me really separate; and my friends always say I’ve got two layers, mogul or mum. Lock down has totally done a number on me mum-wise, like I’m obsessed with ironing bed linen and just the most random stuff. But before lockdown, it was always, “Right, business, money. What’s the next deal? Oh yeah, don’t forget to pick up the kids.” And that’s not to say they weren’t a priority. I’m just really focused on making my life as rich as possible in all the ways that mean outside of my kids, because I totally get that they’re going to turn 21 and not give a damn about me.
And I never want to be some yearning, empty nester or just moping around. I want to have a full life where it’s, when they go, a face time a day is enough for all of us. It’s not me going, “What do I do now?” I’ve seen so many great women pause their lives for their kids, and not expecting anything in return. but then when the time comes, when their kids rightfully want to be adults, they’re really annoyed about it. And that is my worst nightmare.
Rachel:
I love you talking about building up yourself so that you’re there when your kids leave home. But I also think that that will be such an inspiration to your kids as well. Hearing you talk, it reminds me a lot of my own mum who was a single mum for a chunk of my childhood and she was a working mum, she kind of taught me all these values, and was super strong, and had her own thing going on. And actually shapes the identity of your kids in quite a positive way, I think as well.
Kate:
Yeah, my mum was a single mum as well and she did exactly that. She reminds me of how I was treated. She was a full time nurse and I was looked after by my Nan. And so when I was ready to move out there she was like not so much, “See you”, but very much, “Go for it, go for it.” She wasn’t sort of, “You can move, but you’ve got to keep this bit of rope around your waist.” She was almost booting me out, her job was complete and it felt amazing, as I didn’t feel… I felt willing to come back rather than reluctantly to come back.
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Brogan:
That’s so interesting. It makes me think of the kind of “women can have it all / can they / can’t they have it all” debate, which I feel like we definitely need to move on from. So do you think that, are you free to be that person or have you ever felt judgement about that ‘dual ness’ of your life? I feel like they are obviously connected as you said but that is such a big priority to you, is that always received well?
Candice:
No. I speak about a bit in my book, but I was raised by my granddad. My granddad got mugged and was left blind in one eye, so he had to quit work and then my Nan worked full time and paid the mortgage. And so from the time I could remember men washed up, men ironed, men put ribbons in your hair, they picked you up after school. And for some reason that very much reflects the relationship I’m in now. My other half doesn’t even blink at doing things that would be classified as the ‘feminine roles’, but he is from a Nigerian heritage who sees this happening and a lot of their minds are blown.
You know, when his dad first saw him change a nappy, the house just fell so silent. Like, “Whoa, what is going on?” Whilst I was like, “Bye, see you, got to go to a meeting.” I’m never offended by those kinds of looks and judgments. I’m quite happy about them, because it shows that I’m trying to push the needle along. And also this isn’t to say that that flow will always be that way. When I first quit my job in publishing, I was a stay at home mum. I made next to no money, and so I took on the more ‘feminine duties’. And who knows what will happen in 20 years: it could shift again. He might want to go and start a business. And so, yeah, I try not to pay attention to it to be honest.
Brogan:
I love the idea of how life and there are shifting roles and things aren’t fixed. Is that something that you kind of believe in as well, Kate?
Kate:
Absolutely. Being two mums, people we speak to are naturally very curious as to whether we naturally fall into those gender roles. And I think because I was birth mum, they automatically assume that I’m going to be the one that cooks and cleans. And although naturally I do a lot of the cooking, because that’s just how my shifts fall, but we share the cooking, we share the cleaning. And we don’t even have to discuss. It just naturally falls...We just do it.
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And so our son just doesn’t see those sorts of “you gave birth to me and your mum, which means you’ve got to do that sort of ‘feminine bit’”. And my mama is obviously not the birth parent, so she’s obviously got to fall into the ‘daddy roles’. And he just doesn’t see that, and it’s so alien to him.
We’re quite lucky that we live in quite a diverse area so there isn’t really that… The kids aren’t in a heteronormative outlet, but it’s still very… You see the looks on people’s faces sometimes when they’re just dying to ask, “Who’s mummy and who’s daddy?”
Rachel Moss:
And you’re like, “Why does it matter?”
Kate:
There isn’t one. That’s the point.
Brogan:
Yeah. There’s no dad here.
Kate:
There is no daddy: that’s lesson one. But, yeah, so it’s really interesting.
Brogan:
We’re going to come back to that conversation shortly but here are some HuffPost listeners who have shared their experience.
Testimonial 7:
You can’t be a working mother who goes to work eight hours a day, comes home and collects the kids and makes their own yoghurt and puts the kids to sleep and they sleep just as you turn the light out, they softly go off to sleep - it doesn’t happen. And I wish somebody had said: “Take your own pace, don’t listen to other people, listen to yourself, listen to your children, listen to what needs to give in order for you to have that happy medium.” I wish that other mothers would look at themselves and go: “I’m doing a good job getting through the day and making sure my kids are happy and healthy and well-rounded.” Don’t think you can have it all, because you can’t.
Testimonial 8:
Everything in my entire life shifted. Some of it was beyond recognition, some of it was recognisable but it was like I was coming from a completely different perspective. It literally was I was born again.
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Rachel:
And now back to our conversation with Candice Brathwaite and Kate Everall.
Brogan:
Both of you, Candice and Kate, set out to create spaces for mothers that feel more inclusive and representative of your own experiences and identities. Can you tell us a bit about why it was so important to you both to create those spaces and start those conversations?
Candice:
I just wanted to create a space where motherhood was equal and everyone’s story was valid. And then somewhere, way down the line, it would be a hub where brands and businesses would turn to when they knew they were screwing up, because they already were. And that’s where the idea of Make Motherhood Diverse even came from. And it’s been an absolute journey thus far, because I can’t lie: opening up that space made me realise that I can be judgmental or biased. I was consciously only going on social media or looking at magazines only looking for myself.
I wasn’t looking to see if same sex parents were represented, or mums with disabilities. I was just, “Oh, no black face. That’s really annoying.” And so now having a space like Make Motherhood Diverse it makes me check myself, which maybe some people wouldn’t admit but it’s been very, very eye-opening for me.
Kate:
So, initially I started a blog just to document our conception journey, because there wasn’t anything out there in the UK: a lot of the blogs I followed were in Australia or America, but, again, they had different healthcare systems so I couldn’t really relate. And a lot of the NHS spoke about was IVF: we didn’t go via that route, so I wanted to document it just to be a resource for other people. But as it grew, and as our community grew, I realised that there actually were quite a few families out there. And that’s where it grew. We also connected via Instagram when it was still very much in the early days, and we just documented everything.
And then when our son came along, we documented the things we were doing, places we were going, books we were reading. And, over time, we’ve just added to that and opened up discussions about LGBT teachings in school, we’ve talked about marriage equality, and it’s just grown. And I honestly don’t know what the plan is, because it’s still very much a hobby for me, but it’s fun.
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Rachel:
I love how you have both massively opened up this area, and you’ve made all these conversations about different types of motherhood come to the forefront. But then also is really hard, I think, for a lot of mums to shake off those ideas of what motherhood is. Candice, there was a bit in your book that I love because it really… it made me laugh, even though it had a very serious message behind it. And you spoke about getting absolutely obsessed with a particular buggy which I’ve never heard of: a bugaboo.
Candice:
*laughs*
Rachel:
I love how you said, it’s not just as Destiny’s Child song. And I was like, “Hell yeah. I love that reference.” I’m a huge Destiny’s Child fan. Can you tell us about that? Because I think it’s got a huge part to do with identity, right? The reason why you were so caught up in this idea that you needed a bugaboo? Tell us.
Candice:
Yeah, completely. Because I already realised that I’m a young-ish, black mum. I fell pregnant at 25. Just walking down the street pregnant, there was just always these spoken and unspoken judgments. And in my mind very much like how…
and I say this all the time. I hate when young kids – not just black but kids from working class spaces – they always get ripped into because they want the latest trainers and all of that. It’s a form of protection. It’s a form of presenting what you think the world wants to see.
And so locking in on that brand of pushchair, I feel right, I make it adjust for all the other stuff. But you cannot look at that pushchair and not think I don’t have my stuff together, which is so warped. But those kinds of things follow us throughout life so of course, at the doors of motherhood, you’re just trying to present the best image of yourself.
Rachel:
Yeah, and you really went above and beyond to get this pushchair... And, I joke about it [the Bugaboo obsession], but I was reading about it, you managed to find one on Gumtree, and when I read the interaction that you had with the woman who was selling that pushchair I just couldn’t believe it. Do you mind summing that up and how that felt for anyone who hasn’t picked your book yet?
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Candice:
Yeah, so I found it on Gumtree, and my name is really non-racial it’s Candice Brathwaite. We turn up at this really, really nice road and when she opens the door, number one she thinks we’re charity workers and she’s quickly trying to shut the door hastily.
Rachel:
... that’s so bad.
Candice:
And when she realises I’ve come to get the pushchair she doesn’t even take the security latch off, she just whispers through the latch and then closes the door to get the buggy, and is really trying to get us off the doorstep.
And I just thought: this is so insane. And it made me think, you know, good thing you didn’t know what I looked like because you might have even not sold the buggy to me. It’s important to remember that, I might not have even been able to get it. So yeah, that was just one of the ways I tried to highlight the micro-aggressions that happen when you don’t look like what the world says you should – especially when it comes to motherhood.
Brogan:
I guess I have the privilege of saying that’s unbelievable, but I’m sure for many women that’s completely believable – and expected. Your book is so incredible, reading it as a white woman there are so many things in this that I would have never expected or anticipated. And I guess that’s what’s so important about your work: you are allowing other black women to feel seen, and you are also making other people see you.
Candice:
Yeah.
Brogan:
Kate, in terms of this idealised version of motherhood, you mentioned earlier about how, as a masculine-looking woman you didn’t yourself represented in a typical pregnancy body. Can you talk to us a bit about that experience?
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Kate:
Oh my god, where do I start? When you fall pregnant, I mean sat in...take a pregnancy test and you go to your midwife’s appointment and even the forms: the narrative is like, “Mother, father”. There’s no mother or parent or donor, there’s nothing like that and it’s things like that. And then when the bump starts to grow you go Mothercare or you go to wherever and the t-shirts are v-line necks or they’re very...tugging at the boobs and the jeans. There’s no ‘butch-wear’ for pregnant women. There’s no shirts - you know shirts sat over me and I looked like I had a beer belly and it just looked ridiculous.
And then obviously as it grew you then had the baby books that then had, “Mummy and Daddy did this today” and then the books...we’re lucky in that we’ve - I shouldn’t even say lucky: it sounds like I’m grateful - but I have books that we read to Thomas, I sometimes purposefully go, “Mummy and Mama.” So it’s never really stopped and as brands have been more inclusive to LGBT people, which again I am grateful for, I’m still not seeing in, as a short haired masculine woman. So it’s never really stopped. But certainly when I was pregnant that idea of femininity certainly got challenged in my head because I was feminine, but being pregnant and breastfeeding and everything like that is very much a feminine, maternal thing, so a lot of conflict going on in my head. People looked at me and they thought, “Oh god that man’s pregnant” or kids would be, “Are you mummy or a daddy?” and I’m like, “Well I’m a mummy, but I appreciate I’ve got short hair” and it’s just, yeh, it’s just everything. It’s just constant.
Rachel:
It’s a lot to deal with, yeah.
Kate:
Yeah, yeah it is but you just hope that by being visible, and a blatant lesbian, hopefully you are coming out to people almost every day, you’re..hopefully that visibility is educating someone somewhere that may be they go home and go, “I saw a pregnant lesbian today, Barry!” and it just gets that conversation going hopefully. You just don’t know who they… you know what I mean, it’s just...you just hope that they have a conversation and yeh…
Rachel:
So you have both developed your own communities and are comfortable with your identities now. For any new mums who are “Where am I in this strange new mum world?” can you recommend any resources or anyone to follow or just any really great spaces that mums who do not feel seen need to go and check out?
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Kate:
Yeah. I mean, if it’s just a case of wanting to see yourself represented there’s a lovely Instagram page called the Same Sex Families, and they’re a global page. I think the owner is based in the UK but they have all sorts of families, really diverse. And they obviously celebrate lots of different things like Trans Awareness Week and Black History Month and things like that. But other than that, resources-wise, obviously I’d look at Stonewall. We are lucky that we’re in an age now that we have access to this information; where even when Thomas was born, and that was five years ago, I didn’t have that. So, it’s growing, which I’m grateful for.
Rachel:
Candice, how about you? What resources, Instagram pages, anything else, would you recommend to mums?
Candice:
Of course, Make Motherhood Diverse.
Rachel:
Of course.
Candice:
It’s American, but if you’re a black mum looking for your tribe Mater Mea, I think they’re called. There’s a great book actually called Julian Is a Mermaid. It’s very beautiful.
Kate:
*gasps* I love that book.
Candice:
It’s beautiful. Yes. And now – okay, you might know more than me [to Kate] – but from my eye, reading that book to my daughter, being in a heterosexual relationship, it really is just this quiet story about a boy perhaps exploring the idea of being trans, or wanting to dress up in what would be determined as women’s clothes. And it’s so beautifully told and opens up such wonderful natural conversation.
Also, Lupita, the actress, wrote a book called Sulwe, which really touched me because it’s a story about colourism within the black community, which if I had that read to me when I was about four or five it would have really helped me understand some of the challenges which were really just around the corner in regards to the times of how dark my skin is as a black person. Because there is still that in our community. You’re not just black. You’re light-skinned or dark skinned. And I find for Esme, who is lighter than me, she’s really taken to that book. So, I love that.
Brogan:
When you’re raising your children, do you feel kind of a responsibility to shape their identity or give them, I guess, options? Trying to feed them with a rich variety of content and books so that they can explore themselves?
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Kate:
Absolutely. I think I’d be doing him a disservice if I didn’t open his eyes to make sure that he had this information, this knowledge in front of him and he’d go out there and get it. But yeah, I think I’d be doing them a disservice if I didn’t do… And my community a disservice, if I didn’t… And again, I don’t want to say I’m educating him but just making him aware that this is what our community has been through, and what’s out there, and who’s out there. And equally, I wouldn’t be a very good ally to other communities if I didn’t have those books like Julian Is a Mermaid and things like that on his bookshelves. Because why should I expect allies of our community if I’m not going to be an ally to other communities either.
Rachel:
Obviously, this week, we are talking about motherhood and identity, how our identity pre-motherhood shapes what we’re like as mums, how our identity changes when we become mums, and we’ve been hearing from loads of our listeners about what identity means to them. And we wanted to play one for you both now. So, this is from someone who sent it in called Rebecca. Thank you so much for sending this in, Rebecca. It’s really lovely.
Testimonial 9:
Something that I wish I’d known is it comes back. That part of you, for a lot of people, disappears and you lose sight of when you’ve got a very young child. It comes back and I wish that I’d been told that it does go and it does come back because then perhaps I would have found the first two years easier.
Rachel:
How do you feel hearing that? She obviously touched on the fact that you can lose yourself when you become a mum, but don’t panic. All is not lost. And I thought it was a nice note to touch on towards the end of our podcast, to ask you both where are you on that journey? Where are you at? Kate, do you feel like you’ve re-found yourself or is it still a work in progress?
Kate:
I am in a better place than I was perhaps even maybe a year ago, because I felt like you couldn’t be both a mum, a wife, a gamer, a comic book lover. You know, you couldn’t be all those things at once. Something had to give. And while some things did have to give, you couldn’t do it all. But as some people say, I’ve been selfish and I’ve gone, “No, I’m not going to do that. I’m going to take an hour to myself because my mental health is important as well.” And I think, yeah, if I’d been told that that is allowed and actually you are still you, it’s just got to take a bit of a time out whilst you settle into your own routine, then I probably would have been and felt more reassured; and probably not in such a rush to try and then get back there if that makes sense.
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Because I felt like everything was been taken forcefully away from me, I was then trying to fight against that. And then I felt like I’d miss some opportunities or miss some milestones whilst I was trying to battle with my own identity and where I sat in that.
Rachel:
Yeah. I love that. How about you Candice? Where are you on the journey? Have you found the true Candice again?
Candice:
I haven’t found myself again. It’s just a new self. And, to be honest, I’m not embarrassed of the woman I was before my kids, but I see them as really separate entities because there are just some risks now or things I did back then that I just wouldn’t do now because I have a responsibility to another two humans here. And, actually, I prefer this version. She’s more measured. She’s calmer.
You know, I can’t just react out of anger because I have to think of the repercussions on my children. All the work I do, I have to think of my children. It’s a different person. I think I’ve only come to that realisation now there’s two of them and I have experiences that can be compared. I think with Esme, I was very obsessed, pre-baby body, pre-baby life, pre-baby social calendar. And it was… Everything was geared towards people understanding that I’m Candice before I’m a mum whereas now I’m like just a completely different person to be fair.
Brogan:
It’s so interesting to have both your experiences. Thank you for sharing them. At the end of each podcast we ask our guests the same question, and so we’re going to come first to you Candice. What makes you uncomfortable? It can be anything so it can be… We’ve had like pantomimes, we’ve had small talk. We’ve had some deep ones. We had emotional vulnerability.
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Candice:
Do you know what makes me uncomfortable? Going to dinner parties or house parties. I hate small talk. I hate getting to know people. Oh, blurgh, yuck.
Rachel:
Just hang out in the kitchen.
Brogan:
Specifically going to parties or dinner parties where you don’t know many people there...?
Candice:
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That makes me so uncomfortable. Yeah.
Brogan:
And what about you, Kate?
Kate:
I know... I’m trying to think whether I want to say something profound like tokenism or something like that. But I’m just like… I’m thinking it’s team-building days at work where you’re… Or just… I think that just to unnecessarily be touched, like team building days where you then have to put your hands on each other’s shoulders. I don’t want to touch you. I have OCD anyway, and I don’t like it. I think it’s that contact, and team-building days especially if you then have to touch someone, whether you know them or not. Yeah, touching. But yeah.
Brogan:
Thank you both so much for coming onto the podcast today.
Kate:
Well, thank you for inviting me.
Brogan:
It’s such a great conversation.
Candice:
Thank you.
Rachel:
That’s it this week from Am I Making You Uncomfortable? Don’t forget to subscribe and review; but only nice reviews, five stars only. I am Rachel Moss and you can find me @rachelmoss_.
Brogan:
And I’m Brogan Driscoll and you can find me @brogan_driscoll. Thanks to our producer Crystal Genesis, our assistant producer Rachel Porter, and our sound engineer Nag Kirinde.
Rachel:


thehuffingtonpostuk--2020-06-03--My Pride Anthems: Todrick Hall

My Pride Anthems: Todrick Hall

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The coronavirus pandemic has changed everything, and that includes how we’re all celebrating Pride in 2020.
With huge public gatherings out of the question, we’re asking a range of LGBTQ celebrities and allies for their personal Pride anthems, to help us all get into the Pride spirit from lockdown.
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Musician, songwriter and choreographer Todrick Hall is the latest star to share his top picks in our My Pride Anthems series.
In addition to his music career, you may have seen the Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels singer teaching the queens to dance on RuPaul’s Drag Race, judging the contestants on the most recent series of The Greatest Dancer or on YouTube, where his impressive and hyper-colourful music videos have racked up millions of views.
Todrick Hall
Here, Todrick reveals why Ariana Grande and Lady Gaga’s chart-topping duet is already a modern Pride anthem, and shines a light on a new “queer icon in the making”...
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Taylor Swift – You Need To Calm Down
“The first time I heard this song I absolutely loved it. I love all the layering and the vocals that Taylor did on the track. And I just love songs with a great theme with a clear message and great lyrics, obviously I connected with the song for so many reasons.
“It’s really, really fun and very clever, and it’s very rare that you hear a song that you can’t compare to any other song, with a similar title, or a similar theme. You Need To Calm Down was one of those songs that was so necessary for its time and so unique and different, and about a subject matter that we all need to hear.”
Kim Petras – Malibu
“I love Kim Petras, I think her voice is phenomenal, I love that she feels rebellious and fun and edgy and new and young and hip and current. I love her story, but I love that her story doesn’t overshadow the most important part about making music, her gift. She has a great, great gift and a great message to go along with that.
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“I got to be a part of the Malibu video as well, so I love that she is taking this moment to find ways to be creative and find ways to put music out there and involve so many people, while never leaving her home, and allowing a lot of people in the queer community to be a part of her song.
“By definition, her song is a queer anthem, because [the music video] is filled with a legitimate rainbow of social media influencers, celebrities and recording artists. I loved being a part of it, I’m grateful and so flattered that she asked me.”
Vincint – Be Me
“This is just a really powerful song, with a really powerful message. Vincint has a beautiful voice, he is just a beautiful light, his energy is so awesome.
“I love the fact that he is so proud of who he is, and the fact that he landed the new anthem for Queer Eye is just really, really awesome, I love the way that show represents so many different people and such a diverse cast of characters. I love that they are having a person of colour, who is also a queer icon in the making, create the anthem for the show. I think that’s the way it should be, and I hope they continue to use queer artists for the seasons to come to be the theme song for the soundtrack to every new season.
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“I think that’s a really awesome thing and something to look forward to and a great opportunity to give to queer artists.”
Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande – Rain On Me
“I’ve always loved Gaga and her perspective. And fan doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel about Ariana Grande. I love Ariana Grande. What I love most about her – on top of the fact that she’s one of the few artists that can actually deliver a solid vocal that will stand the test of time, and can be compared to the greatest people who have ever recorded vocals in pop music – is the fact that she’s such a strong woman.
“She stands up for herself always, and stands up for women’s rights and she’s one of the first pop artists of this generation that I remember walking on stage with a Pride flag. I love how proud she is of the relationship she has with her openly queer brother, and so the fact that both she and Gaga are on a song together is awesome. And I love that they’re dancing and there’s costumes and a budget for the show.
“It’s starting to get into this place where people are too cool for school, and they don’t want to do something that seems like they tried… it’s kind of cool to do a less is more approach, but for me, I’ve always loved that Gaga goes full out 100% and is always in competition with herself to do bigger and greater things.”
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Dua Lipa – Levitating
“I have to say... I have never not been a Dua Lipa fan, but I wasn’t a fan. I didn’t understand the hysteria around Dua Lipa… but I have become such a massive fan.
“Levitating just makes me feel so good, I love the lyricism and how fun it is, and I love that it feels like a riddle, it must have taken whoever wrote the lyrics a really long time to write them. And it seems like a lot of care went into it. But she also delivers it with such a careless swag that makes it seem like it was nothing for her, it just rolls off her tongue. Now that I have become such a superfan, and listen to her music religiously and know every lyric to her latest album, it’s really cool for me to be like ‘I now understand why everyone likes her’.
“That’s the cool part about being an artist, we all have people that don’t like us... and I love when you can not have the greatest enthusiasm about an artist’s work coming out, but you have to sit there and smile and admit that it’s undeniably amazing, and you have to stop yourself from humming the music, that means the artist has done their job. And getting to the next level of their career, reaching out to people and getting people like me who aren’t necessarily their demographic – I mean Dua Lipa might not be looking for African-American men in the their thirties to buy the music, but I bought the album, I’m not streaming it, I bought it.
“I hope that we end up at a Pride event together or I run into her somewhere because I just want to let her know that she has converted me. I don’t know what her fanbase is called, but I’m one of them.”
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Todrick Hall recently released his EP Quarantine Queen, written, recorded, and produced in the space of a week during lockdown. Watch the music video for Mask, Gloves, Soap, Scrub – a reimagining of Todrick’s song Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels – below:
We’ll be adding each celebrity’s song choices to our bumper My Pride Anthems playlist each day. Take a listen below:


thehuffingtonpostuk--2020-06-03--Donald Trump Called In The Military To Scare Anti-Racist Protesters. They Showed Up Anyway

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Protesters marched through Washington, DC on Tuesday night despite the threat of violence from local and federal law enforcement officials and military police officers deployed by the Trump administration in an overwhelming show of force meant to stamp out demonstrations against police brutality and racism.
In downtown Washington, a new law enforcement agency or military vehicle was around every corner. Military police officers outfitted for a war zone lined up in front of the Lincoln Memorial.
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Attorney General William Barr promised “even greater law enforcement resources and support” in the District of Columbia on Tuesday, the day after he ordered law enforcement officers to use projectiles and pepper spray to clear protesters from a space near the White House so that President Donald Trump could walk to a nearby church to have his photo taken holding a Bible.
Members of the DC National Guard directed traffic, their Humvees stationed nearby. Department of Homeland Security police formed a line near the Veterans Affairs Building. Drug Enforcement Administration agents were posted on street corners. Uniformed members of the armed services sat in military vehicles near the National Museum of African American History and Culture. Border Patrol officers and U.S. Customs agents were stationed near the Ronald Reagan Building, and men who called themselves “assets of DOJ” or with “the federal government” were posted near the Justice Department and FBI building.
But thousands turned out anyway to bring attention to the death of George Floyd, a 46-year-old Black man killed last week by a Minneapolis police officer who knelt on his neck for nearly nine minutes, even as he pleaded that he could not breathe, and to the many, many other Black people killed by police. The protests weren’t suppressed, in spite of scare tactics.
Demonstrators streamed en masse toward downtown, some of them chanting Floyd’s name.
Two cyclists surveying the scene outfitted their bikes with signs that read “Black lives matter” and “White silence is violence,” while onlookers snapped photos of graffiti of a dead pig on the front of the Department of Treasury Building and a building near the White House that was tagged with the phrases: “Capitalism is murder” and: “Why do we have to keep telling you Black lives matter.”
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Members of the DC National Guard stand on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial as demonstrators participate in a peaceful protest against police brutality and the death of George Floyd. Win McNamee via Getty Images
Protesters had reason to believe they could be hurt by law enforcement, even if their demonstrations remained peaceful. Across the country, law enforcement officials have responded violently to the protests against police brutality, pointing to instances of looting and rioting as justification to deploy tear gas and projectiles on peaceful demonstrators. Several mayors called in the National Guard to help police their cities and enforce curfews.
In Washington on Monday evening, Barr personally ordered law enforcement to crush a peaceful protest using chemical munitions ahead of a speech by Trump in which he vowed to send “thousands of heavily armed soldiers” into the nation’s capital and to deploy the military into other U.S. cities if their mayors did not crush protests against police brutality.
There were indications that Tuesday could be even more dramatic, with a larger military and law enforcement presence in Washington. Plus, the Justice Department has authorised the Drug Enforcement Administration to “conduct covert surveillance” and investigate people participating in the protests, BuzzFeed News reported.
One demonstrator said the show of force in Washington made them suspicious and nervous. They were worried they would be trapped and arrested, just like protesters were on a residential street the night before.
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Some demonstrators prepared for potential force: One group of young women walking in from north of the White House carried bags filled with milk and gauze to use to aid protesters hit by pepper spray or rubber bullets.
Trump’s show of force, intended to assert his power and intimidate protesters, has earned him plenty of pushback. Several governors have said they will not allow Trump to deploy troops to their states.
Mike Mullen, former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, wrote on Tuesday that he was “sickened” to see members of the National Guard violently clear protesters and worried that “members of our military will be co-opted for political purposes.”
Washington’s Roman Catholic archbishop condemned Trump’s Tuesday visit to the St. John Paul II National Shrine, insisting that the former pope the shrine is named for “would not condone the use of tear gas and other deterrents to silence, scatter or intimidate” protesters.
Many Democrats and some Republicans have spoken out against the president’s response.
But it’s unclear who has the ability or willingness to stop the president’s authoritarian drift.
Barr, Trump’s hand-picked attorney general, has pushed the Justice Department’s Office of Legal Counsel to back several of the president’s legally questionable moves.
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Some Democrats have vowed limited action: Sen. Tim Kaine (D-Va.) said he will offer an amendment to the National Defense Authorization Act barring use of military force against Americans. Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.), who attended the protests in D.C. Tuesday evening, called for Barr to be impeached and said she is asking the inspector general for the Department of Defense to conduct an investigation “of the role of DoD civilian and military officials in the attack on peaceful protesters at the White House.”
But Republicans, who control the Senate, have either been silent or downplayed concerns about Trump’s response to protesters. Some GOP members of Congress said they wished he’d adjust his tone.
Protests continued in cities throughout the country Tuesday night, including in Minneapolis, New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Las Vegas, Louisville and Denver.
There were also some signs that the intense public pressure to address police brutality was having an effect. In Minnesota, where Floyd was killed, the state filed a human rights complaint against the Minneapolis Police Department, launching an investigation into whether the department has engaged in systematic racism. The school board in Minneapolis voted on Tuesday in favor of a resolution to cut ties with the police department.
Although most of the police brutality against protesters has gone unpunished, several police officers in Atlanta were charged with aggravated assault after violently removing students from their car with a stun gun.
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In Los Angeles, Police Chief Michel Moore faced a flood of calls for him to step down or be fired after stating on Monday that Floyd’s death “is on [looters’] hands, as much as it is those officers” who participated in his death. Moore apologised later that day but during an online meeting of the city’s Police Commission on Tuesday, more than 500 people signed up to share public comment. They detailed LAPD’s aggressive use of tear gas and rubber bullets to attack peaceful protesters throughout the city.
“You have shown your true colours,” said David Spencer, one of the people who called into the meeting. “I am terrified of the LAPD now.”


thehuffingtonpostuk--2020-06-03--How To Use All The Food In Your Fridge To Prevent Waste

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If you find yourself throwing out mouldy berries, stale pieces of bread and wilted lettuce on a regular basis, you’re not alone.
But with a little bit of intention, you can use up all those random ingredients you find in your kitchen. We went to the experts for the best tips and tricks for using up all the odds and ends in your fridge and pantry.
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Choose A Theme Instead Of A Specific Recipe
When it comes to using up tidbits from your fridge, Clare Langan, a home-cooking expert who was a producer on the A&E cooking show “Scraps,” recommends loosely planning meals by theme instead of adhering to specific recipes.
“Each week, or a couple of times a week, roughly plan out your meals for the next few days based on what you have in the house,” Langan tells HuffPost. “Right now, especially, it’s unrealistic to assume you have everything in your house to whip up a specific recipe. I recommend opting for a looser approach: Meatless Mondays, Taco Tuesdays, Pasta Sundays. Putting a little intention behind how you plan and shop can be helpful if you have trouble deciding what to make and end up wasting food. Plus, theme nights make dinner feel a little more special.”
Taco Recipes See gallery
Adam Stevenson, executive chef of the Copperleaf Restaurant at Seattle’s Cedarbrook Lodge, seconds a taco theme as a great way to use up the odds and ends from your fridge. “When we have tacos, we use lots of different vegetables as toppings, keeping them raw for the best nutrients and crunch,” he says. “Vegetables we like are kale, cabbage, carrots and radish. These, tossed with apple cider vinegar, olive oil and lemon, add that nice crunch to the taco.”
Incorporate Leftovers Into Your Meal Plan
When Stevenson is at home, he looks forward to eating leftovers, he says. “We look at this as an opportunity to make something else great. For instance, from a roasted or smoked chicken, we will pick the remaining meat and have tacos the next day. From the carcass, we make a wonderful stock. One that comes to mind is pho. It’s great paired with that leftover pork roast from a few nights ago. The same broth is fantastic for making soups or pasta dishes.”
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Langan also loves cooking with leftover broth or stock, especially when cooking grains such as rice or quinoa or simmering dried or canned beans. “This is a great trick to make canned beans taste more like those from scratch,” she says.
Langan calls pizzas, vegetable soups, grain bowls, tacos, frittatas and grilled cheese sandwiches “use-it-up meals” and recommends using them as blank slates to fill up with all the leftovers and random items from your fridge.
Master The ‘Fridge Dive Frittata’
Langan suggests purging your fridge before you head to the shop. “Once a week, before going to the supermarket, make a Fridge Dive Frittata. Cook any vegetable odds and ends in your fridge ― the remaining half of an onion, a handful of wilted spinach, the last of a bag of frozen peas ― in an oven-proof skillet. Add six to eight whisked eggs in a small to medium skillet and any other bits from your fridge. This is a great place for cheese and herbs. Bake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for about 30 to 40 minutes until set. This is particularly good for brunch, but you can eat it any time of the day!”
Frittata Recipes See gallery
Don’t Throw Away Your Stems
It pains Stevenson when you throw away the lesser parts of vegetables. “One way to get more out of your vegetables and preserve them is to use the entire vegetable,” he says. “One of my favourite things to eat are the stems and stalks of broccoli and romaine. These are wonderful pickled, roasted or simply sautéed. There is no reason to get rid of them ― this is where all the flavour and nutrients are.” Here are five delicious uses for broccoli stems.
Save Your Stale Bread
It may be tempting to throw away stale pieces of bread, but they can actually be frozen until you’re ready to put them to use.
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Langan has some terrific tips for this. “Another catch-all dish is panzanella, also known as bread salad. Tear pieces of bread (fresh or stale) into bite-size pieces and toast lightly in the oven. Toss with your favourite vinaigrette and any odds and ends ― vegetables, cheese, herbs or cooked protein or beans. Tomatoes, basil and mozzarella are classic, but use what you have! I like doing a version with cucumber, dill, feta and red onion for a Greek vibe.” Click here for more panzanella salad recipes.
She also suggests blitzing leftover bread into crumbs and toasting them in a skillet with olive oil, garlic and herbs to make a crunchy topping for pasta, salads and soups.
Get Creative With Fruit And Berries
Anyone who has ever purchased a banana knows that some foods, especially fruits and berries, have a short shelf life.
A lot of vintage baking recipes were created as a way to use up fruit before it went bad, Langan says. “Crumbles, crisps, buckles and pandowdy are all great ways to use up berries, stone fruit, apples and pears. You can also simmer about-to-turn fruit with a bit of sweetener like sugar, honey or maple syrup in a saucepan until thickened for a quick compote to top ice cream, cakes, yogurt or oatmeal.”
31 Crisps, Crumbles And Cobblers See gallery
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If you’re freezing fruit to use later in smoothies or other recipes, Langan says to cut the fruit into 2-inch pieces, place on a parchment or waxed paper-lined sheet tray and freeze until solid. Then transfer the fruit to an airtight container or zip-top bag. “Freezing the fruit this way allows it to become like little ice cubes rather than freezing into one big clump,” she says. She also suggests peeling bananas first, since it can be difficult to remove the skins once they’re frozen.
You shouldn’t neglect ripening avocados, Stevenson says. “These turn ripe so fast, especially during hot days,” he says. “Get them into your salads. If they’re too soft, make a mayonnaise or a green goddess dressing.” These green goddess recipes will remind you of its greatness.


thehuffingtonpostuk--2020-06-03--We Were Convinced We Weren't Runners. Lockdown Changed Everything.

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“Boredom does strange things to you,” says Imthiaz Rehman, a 30-year-old who’s recently taken up running. “It’s not something I thought I’d do, but I got so sick of being stuck inside.”
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Like thousands of Brits across the UK, Imthiaz has discovered a love of running during the coronavirus pandemic. He felt self-conscious and struggled at first, but set himself small goals to improve little by little.
After two months of running three or four times a week, he can now run 10k. He hopes to run a half marathon for the Cystic Fibrosis Trust when lockdown is over.
“If you run for long enough, it becomes a kind of mindfulness and a chance to clear any thoughts in your head,” says Imthiaz, who’s based in Lewisham, London. “It’s been great for my mental health and I’ve never felt better.”
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Imthiaz Rehman Imthiaz Rehman
Time outdoors has become a precious commodity in recent months, and it seems more people have been inspired to start running,
Around 207,000 people shared their running stats on social media through exercise apps in March, according to one study – that’s more than January and February combined. Some of these runners will be completely new to the habit, others may have rediscovered their love of it after many years.
“Running makes me feel powerful and strong.” - Laura Hitchcock
Laura Hitchcock, 45, from Dorset, started running four years ago, initially to lose weight, but slowly lost the motivation to keep it up. Faced with long stints in indoors with her husband and three teenage children, she decided to dust off her trainers during lockdown.
Daily walks “woke up her brain” to the benefits of exercise, she says, and soon, walking turned into jogging. The gleeful photo below shows the first time she ran for five minutes without stopping.
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Laura Hitchcock Laura Hitchcock
“It sounds a bit woo woo, but running makes me feel powerful and strong,” she says. “Even so early on in my running journey, I can feel the improvements, and love the strength and daily increases in my own ability. Also, the uninterrupted headspace is a welcome retreat during lockdown.”
Reva Nandakumara, 38, from London, has started running with her eight-year-old son. She says she’s never been able to run for more than one minute before.
“I feel like, at the age of about 10, I was patted on the head and labelled as a ‘brainy one’ not a ‘sporty one’ and so I disconnected myself from even trying to engage with sport,” she says.
Reva Nandakumara Reva Nandakumara and her son
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But since the pair started using the Couch to 5K app to get active before homeschooling, she now runs for 30 minutes, four days a week.
“It’s had such a big effect on both of us,” says Reva. “It shows me if you try, you can achieve more than you thought you were capable of. It has made me love my body in a different way, and I thoroughly enjoy running with my son. I hope we keep it up.”
For Tim Grice, 38, from Leeds, running has become a way to add structure to his day while working from home. He used to go to the gym three to four times a week, but did very little cardio and has “never been a runner”. However, seeing the progress he made in one week spurred him on to keep going.
Tim Grice Tim Grice
“Since mid-April I’ve covered 250k and honestly, I don’t know how I’d start the day without it moving forward,” he says. “It clears my head and sets me up for the day, I’ve been more positive and productive.”
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Tim is so converted, he doesn’t think he’ll return to the gym after it reopens.
“It’s been revolutionary for my mental health.” - Charlotte Ellis
Charlotte Ellis, 24, based in the Lincolnshire Wolds, also has a new-found enthusiasm for running – the quieter roads and slower pace of life encouraged her to start.
“I always struggled with it before because I broke my leg badly a few years ago, so was always nervous incase it hurt or did me any damage,” she says.
“During lockdown I felt confident to try it and go at my own pace. I started with little baby stop and start runs, and now, two months later, I can (slowly) run an 8K!”
Charlotte Ellis Charlotte Ellis' photo she took while running.
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Getting into a regular running habit has been “revolutionary” for her mental health. “I’d heard people saying how much it eased their anxiety and always thought it to be an old wives’ tale, or coming from people who had less acute anxiety than I have,” she says.
“But I’m a convert! It clears my head, makes me feel like I’ve achieved something, and stops me from beating myself up about having a Kit Kat with my coffee.”
Others on Twitter also shared their personal experiences of discovering running during lockdown.
Be warned: you may be inspired to download Couch to 5K immediately.
I have run sporadically before but never consistently - since March I’ve been going 2-3 times a week. It’s great seeing progress & I now get the urge to go for a run! It’s a very freeing form of exercise & gives me a sense of release plus I love being out in nature — Emily McMullin (@EMcM_16) June 2, 2020
A running re-convert here! Getting back into it in lockdown as I now have some more time. My work colleagues and I have created a virtual travel challenge, so we're logging our kms and virtually travelling around the UK and Ireland together. That's been great for motivating me! — Fiona Treacy (@FionaTreacy7) June 2, 2020
I started couch to 5k with a friend in January but had to finish it on my own due to lockdown. Very proud that I achieved it particularly as I was ill with ME for a few years. I now go running with my 17 year old son a couple of times a week and feel fitter than I have in years😊 — Giddy Goat Toys (@GiddyGoatToys) June 2, 2020
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Total convert to #Couchto5K, now running non stop for 25 minutes without too much trouble. What’s great is it gives you a routine before it gives you a challenge, so you’re almost oblivious you how your stamina is improving and very pleasantly surprised when the long runs start — Jack Sommers (@jack_sommers) June 2, 2020
Newbie lockdown runner here. Just finishing week 7 of couch25k. Love the chance to be outside and not having to travel for work means I’ve got more energy and time to fit it in — Dani Bacon (@BaconDL) June 2, 2020
Yes! Newbie outside runner here. I have a treadmill that I used a few times a week but it broke and COVID makes repair hard so got outside and LOVE it. Won’t go back to treadmill now. Got the bug. pic.twitter.com/DWERj6JiaQ — Matt Mecham (@mattmecham) June 2, 2020
Hi. I started C25K a few weeks before lockdown and am currently working towards being able to run 10k. I love that my mind is so focused on the journey ahead and I'm fitter in my 40s than I was in my 20s! — Victoria Maart #FBPE #StayHomeAndStaySafe (@vikkie1979) June 2, 2020


thehuffingtonpostuk--2020-06-03--I Caught Coronavirus Months Ago. I Didn’t Expect To Still Be Struggling Now

LOADING ERROR LOADING
A 38-year-old sea swimmer, canoeist and yogi, I wasn’t fearful of covid-19. I thought I’d get it out of the way, and any suffering would make up for the immunity conferred. After all, I knew people who had come through it in less than two weeks.
I suspect that I contracted it in March, in the lead up to lockdown when I felt run down and exhausted with a distinctive headache. But it was on Easter Monday the next month that I realised I’d lost my sense of taste and smell. The next week was just like any case of flu: aches, fatigue and a headache. I drank fluids and stayed on the couch. I was able to knit and attended a couple of Zooms, although I tired easily.
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On day seven, things got scary. I was unable to move, then woke in the middle of the night slicked with sweat, my rib cage iron bands. Panicking, unable to breathe and with the bathroom floor swimming in front of me. Having visions of dying alone. I grappled uselessly for information online, before giving up and calling 999.
Paramedics arrived, gave me an ECG and concluded that while my respiration wasn’t great, oxygen levels were okay. A decision was made to leave me at home, with a friend calling me every hour to check I was conscious. I live by myself and will never forget the fear that I might ‘slip away’.
“I couldn’t walk far or remain upright for long, but I kept trying, assuming that I would soon be back to full health.”
That moment was sobering. I posted about it on Facebook and was flooded with generosity and offers of help. Home-cooked meals and care packages arrived. Friends delivered groceries, neighbours took out my bins. I was overwhelmed by the support, it was comforting to know people cared and having the practicalities sorted meant I could focus on recovery.
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I spent a couple of weeks resting and was keen to get back to working and socialising, but improvement was slow. I was exhausted, my chest was tight, voice hoarse and breathing laboured. I couldn’t walk far or remain upright for long, but I kept trying, assuming that I would soon be back to full health.
Then one night I went to sleep relaxed after meditation, but woke at 2am with crazy tachycardia. I rang 999 again and, this time, was admitted to hospital. My heart rate was three times the normal resting rate and the pain in my chest felt like I’d been stabbed. I spent the night in the ‘Red Zone’ – the designated ward for Covid-19 sufferers – in an uncomfortable plastic chair. Once blood tests showed I hadn’t had a heart attack and my chest x-ray was clear, the doctor told me that I had likely had a panic attack.
I didn’t realise this was possible whilst sleeping, but it was plausible. Night time was the worst: difficulty breathing led to gnawing anxiety which could easily overspill into panic, once having to stop myself from running, screaming into the street.
The doctor simply said I needed to go back to work “as soon as possible”. Desperate for normality, I resolved to follow his advice. But one day of trying to function at work cost me a week in bed, grounded by fatigue. The grim reality is that “recovery” from Covid-19 is not a straight line but, for me, the jagged tooth of a crocodile jaw began to dawn. I had to surrender all plans.
As a business owner, having no idea when I could pursue new financial opportunities was worrying. Within my already limited lockdown world, not being able to make any social plans, totally dispiriting.
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As time went on and the care packages and visits began to dwindle, my sense of isolation deepened. Being unable to plan for the future, I became increasingly depressed. Days were mind numbingly similar, characterised only by my weird, ever-changing symptoms: chest pain, ear ache, brain fuzz.
Family and friends couldn’t understand. It’s hard to explain how it feels to be trapped in a malfunctioning body and mind in the same four walls for weeks on end. People expect you to get better, expect ‘progress’. When my mental and physical health degraded to such an extent that I could no longer care for myself, a friend stepped in to perform the basic tasks that I was unable to – putting out the bins, changing the sheets, cooking. At this point, when my dignity started to disappear, I reached an all-time low.
“I’m in a kind of purgatory, somewhere in between surviving and living.”
Now, into week seven, I’m looking back at lockdown as a twilight haze, suspended in time by the virus whose “long tail” continues to plague me. I’ve tried to engage in ‘active recovery’: avoiding alcohol, taking vitamins, eating vegetables and doing breathwork to clear my lungs. I’ve abandoned attempts at exercise; any time I exert myself, I go backwards. On a good day, I’m operating at about 30% capacity.
At the moment, I’m in a kind of purgatory, somewhere in between surviving and living. All of the things that made lockdown bearable – swimming, exercise, a structured working day – are no longer an option. All I can do is continue to practice patience.
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I’m aware that I’m part of a growing minority. I’m in a WhatsApp support group with members in their 30s-50s at various points in the journey – some further along than me. It’s been helpful to share practical tips and have emotional support. But still, I’m afraid. When will I get better? Or is this my life now? Will I ever bounce back?
The scariest thing is we have no answers. Covid-19 is a new disease that science is pedalling to catch up with. All we have right now is rhetoric about people who have ‘recovered’, applauding those who haven’t died.
But what about us? The lost ones, trapped in the gruelling long tail, with no understanding of when or if or how our health and quality of life will be restored?
Have a compelling personal story you want to tell? Find out what we’re looking for here, and pitch us on ukpersonal@huffpost.com


thehuffingtonpostuk--2020-06-03--How Labour’s Alleged Afriphobia Left Black People Feeling ‘Politically Homeless'

Labour’s perceived silence on alleged instances of anti-Black racism highlighted in a leaked internal report last month has cost the party the support of dozens of Black members. But for others, dissatisfaction has been growing over years rather than weeks, and stems from what is seen as a lack of representation at the top tables – and of solidarity with the senior Black politicians the party does have.
Open Labour, an activist group within the party, told HuffPost UK: “The leaked report highlighted multiple instances of anti-Black racism against Black MPs that has now sparked a much-needed conversation around anti-Black racism, a topic all too often ignored.”
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HuffPost UK has spoken to or been made aware of more than 50 people who have given up their membership or say they are considering doing so over alleged anti-Black racism in the party.
One is Yvonne Witter, 61, who joined Labour four years ago.
“Labour has been the default party for Black people over the years but now I know many people for whom that’s changing,” she said.
The Londoner, who currently lives in Yorkshire, is alarmed about the contents of the leaked report.
“We traditionally voted Labour because of its policies on socialism. We’ve supported the party which will address social inequalities where we know the Tories don’t do. And many Black people don’t even vote Labour – they just don’t vote,” she explained.
“Black people are going to have to stick our necks out, go with another party – in my case it’ll be the Green Party – and let Westminster know that our votes don’t come cheap: there are conditions.
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“They need to re-establish the conversation around Black people, politics and who we vote for, because Labour isn’t it.”
“All forms of racism is wrong and yet there isn’t any focus on Afriphobia in the party” - Yvonne Witter, 61
Yvonne added: “I’ve cancelled my Labour membership because I don’t fancy Keir Starmer as leader and I don’t like the way they’ve dealt with the report. It has not been addressed at all; there was more of a focus on anti-Semitism and not enough on anti-Black racism.
“All forms of racism is wrong and yet there isn’t any focus on Afriphobia in the party. It suggests to me that there is no real commitment to dealing with Afriphobia or anti-Black racism in the party.
“Over the years when Diane Abbott has been vilified or ridiculed, I haven’t seen the Labour Party really come out and defend her in the way I would’ve liked to see, and other Black politicians.
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“For the time being, I am politically homeless.”
In a joint statement published on April 13, Keir Starmer and Angela Rayner, leader and deputy leader of the Labour Party, acknowledged the leaked document raised “serious concerns”, outlined intentions to order an inquiry into it, and urged readers not to draw “conclusions” before it was complete. “We have seen a copy of an apparently internal report about the work of the Labour Party’s governance and legal unit in relation to antisemitism. The content and the release of the report into the public domain raise a number of matters of serious concern,” the statement read.
“We will therefore commission an urgent independent investigation into this matter. This investigation will be instructed to look at three areas. First, the background and circumstances in which the report was commissioned and the process involved. Second, the contents and wider culture and practices referred to in the report. Third, the circumstances in which the report was put into the public domain. “In the meantime, we ask everyone concerned to refrain from drawing conclusions before the investigation is complete and we will be asking the general secretary to put measures in place to protect the welfare of party members and party staff who are concerned or affected by this report.”
On May 1, it emerged that Labour’s ruling national executive committee (NEC) had appointed leading Black barrister Martin Forde QC and three Labour peer panellists – Debbie Wilcox, a former leader of Newport City Council; Larry Whitty, a former Labour Party general secretary; and Ruth Lister, an emeritus professor of social policy at Loughborough University – to investigate the leaked report.
The party told HuffPost UK it was “committed to challenging and campaigning against racism, within the party and the country”.
“The content and the release of the report into the public domain raise a number of matters of serious concern,” said a spokesperson. “That is why Keir Starmer and Angela Rayner swiftly launched an urgent independent investigation into this matter.
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“The National Executive Committee agreed the terms of reference for the independent investigation into the contents, circumstances and release of this internal report, and appointed Martin Forde QC to lead the investigation. It would not be appropriate to comment further until the independent investigation has concluded.”
The party also said the leader and deputy leader had met with the BAME staff network and “committed to improving representation, progression and culture in the workplace”.
Ibrahim Mustapha, journalist Supplied
Ibrahim Mustapha has been a Labour voter since the age of 18. He was born to migrant parents with a Muslim father – and grew up in a council estate in Camden. These are all features that he says the Conservative Party, and the right wing, have “been against and tried to demonise”. His family were always more aligned with Labour’s policies.
“In Labour, I always thought that these are the things that will be defended – coming from a working class background, protection of immigrants. I always thought the Labour Party were more in support of [those things],” he told HuffPost UK.
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But the silence from leadership on voters’ concerns about anti-Blackness derived from the leaked report has pushed Ibrahim out of the door too.
“The document clearly shows that, at quite a high level within the party, there are people who are not really showing any solidarity towards Black MPs at best [...] and, at worst, are actually contributing towards the negativity and harm that’s being perpetrated against them,” he said.
“I feel that currently under new leadership they’re not prepared to do anything about that. The silence has been quite disappointing.”
For a few fleeting moments after cancelling his direct debit, Ibrahim wondered if he had done the right thing. Should he have first tried to speak to his local MP, someone who he has respect for?
Perhaps, the 36-year-old thought. But, then again, that MP had also been silent on the issue, which did not reassure Ibrahim of his stance.
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“This party isn’t for me any more,” he said. “It doesn’t represent my interests as a Black person any more; if anything, we’ve seen that it’s quite harmful to Black people trying to advance themselves within politics and society.”
Labour’s devastating election defeat saw the loss of seats across the so-called “red wall” of de-industrialised areas in the north of England and the Midlands that had voted Labour for generations.
Some members feel that the party has lost its “traditional base” of white working-class voters to the Conservatives by pandering to the so-called metropolitan elite.
In that conversation, many fear, another part of Labour’s “traditional base” – the working-class Black, Asian and minority ethnic (BAME) voters in constituencies that fall within Labour’s “heartland” – have been cast aside.
Head to head - knights on a chess board, in blue duotone. Shallow depth of field. robynmac via Getty Images
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Indeed, Ibrahim’s opinion based on Starmer’s silence on anti-Blackness so far is that he is deliberately leaning into the party’s white base in order to win back votes.
Others have concerns over the absence of Black ministers on the shadow home office team, despite cases such as the Windrush scandal and Grenfell fire disproportionately affecting Black people and individuals from marginalised communities.
“Language like ‘Labour heartlands’ is quite coded and means white working class people from around the country who may well have some sort of negativity towards people like us,” the journalist said.
“So I think the Labour leadership is leaning into that rather than being more inclusive and over the next few years, until the next election, we’ll see that perhaps we don’t matter to them so much.
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“And I don’t want to be a part of that – I don’t want to be paying money into that and I don’t want that against my name.”
“People have been making noise, albeit on social media and elsewhere. They can’t have not seen this by now. I believe they definitely could’ve taken steps to reassure Black voters” - Ibrahim Mustapha
Ibrahim believes the party leadership must by now be aware of dissatisfaction among Black voters, but has remained silent on the issue.
“People have been making noise, albeit on social media and elsewhere,” he said. “They can’t have not seen this by now. I believe they definitely could’ve taken steps to reassure Black voters, or any BAME individuals, that the party will take steps to ensure it remains inclusive rather than being prepared to push people out.
“What’s happening with Labour now is very much going to leave me with no one to vote for. Unless somebody decides one day to start a Black unity party that actually represents interests of Black people in this country, I will always be politically homeless.”
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Franklyn Harris BEM, criminal justice advocator and founder of social enterprise SWIM, feels that a Black political party should be formed to counter issues of Afriphobia – something he thinks is rife across society and not just the Labour Party.
“I think it would be a great idea for Black politicians to form their own party. And, if that meant that they sat independently as a small group of MPs, then they would have a much better, a bigger effect than sitting around that table [of other parties],” he told HuffPost UK.
“In terms of the Labour Party’s effectiveness in supporting the causes of Black people [...], it seems to me that Black people’s agenda is totally different from the needs of the party. I’m not going to fight for a party to win the election to then do nothing for me for the next four years.”
Franklyn Harris Supplied
Like others, voter George Brown questions why Labour leadership has not yet openly addressed Afriphobia concerns. But he is also disappointed with the lack of mainstream media coverage and attention from Labour politicians.
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“It has been very difficult to sit by and watch the lack of press coverage and to see the usual suspects in the party stay silent,” said the 59-year-old.
“I understand that accepting a job at the top table comes with collective responsibility but when you have been banging on about BAME misrepresentation for 10 years or more, it is telling that you can be silent in the face of a report as damming as this, whether it was leaked or not.”
In the meantime, the faithful masses who once championed the Labour Party are growing increasingly disenchanted, he said.
“The view of the young Black community is changing. There is no need to settle for mediocrity. The Labour Party and the country appear to be more interested in the new newcomers. The old newcomers are no longer a thing or a requirement.
“I grew up with Labour from discussions with my father, who arrived from Jamaica during the Windrush era, by plane. It was always the party of the workers, the little people, the people without means.
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“Labour’s job was to raise the plight of the working man and woman above that of modern-day slave. What happened to that dream? There has been great progress, but we seem to be going backwards now.”
One former member from Brighton, who has asked not to be named, told HuffPost UK: “I don’t think that Labour is a party for Black and minority ethnic people and it would take a lot for me to rejoin the party now.”
She joined the party in 2015 but cancelled her membership last month.
“I feel politically homeless, certainly with regard to the two main parties, plus I would never vote Liberal Democrats ever,” she said. “I’m stuck, like most people.”
MPs Bernie Grant and Diane Abbott pictured in 1988 during a debate on the creation of separate Black sections within the Labour Party at the party's annual conference in Blackpool PA Images via Getty Images
As far as pressure groups, condemnation of the leaked report and alleged Afriphobia in the Labour Party has been swift with organised resistance gaining momentum.
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As the inquiry into the leaked report continues, Open Labour – an activist group within the party – has called for concerns around Afriphobia in the be taken seriously.
A spokesperson for Open Labour told HuffPost UK: “The leaked report highlighted multiple instances of anti-Black racism against Black MPs that has now sparked a much needed conversation around anti-Black racism, a topic all too often ignored.”
Drawing comparisons between failures on racism in wider society and within Labour, Open Labour has called for the party to increase its efforts in redressing the balance of equality and fairness for all.
“Black people in the UK are more likely to die of coronavirus than white people. Against this backdrop, it is essential that Labour fulfils its role as the party of equality and anti-racism” - Open Labour
“The Windrush report found ‘institutional ignorance and thoughtlessness towards race’ in the Home Office,” they said. “The Conservative manifesto in 2019 supported increasing stop and search powers which are disproportionately used against Black people.
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“Recently, it’s been shown that Black people in the UK are more likely to die of coronavirus than white people.
“Against this backdrop, it is essential that Labour fulfils its role as the party of equality and anti-racism. However, the revelations of racism and other forms of prejudice in the leaked internal report as well as the ongoing EHRC investigation into anti-Semitism in the party demonstrate what BAME members have known for a long time – the party has had grave failings around issues of race.”
Open Labour has also called for an increase in Black representation at all levels of the party – and the adoption of all-BAME shortlists to be considered. One voter we spoke to pointed to the example of Birmingham, which has a large Black African-Caribbean community, but where none of the party’s eight MPs is Black.
Though the investigation into the leaked report is “welcomed” by Open Labour, the spokesperson added: “To have the full confidence of members it must be conducted independently of the Labour Party, not by Labour peers.”
The Black Labour Movement, founded in 2016, is an umbrella organisation which represents over 750 Black voters and members of the Labour Party across the UK.
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On April 16, the organisation released a statement calling for “all staff and senior party members involved” in the leaked report to be suspended with immediate effect.
Speaking to HuffPost UK, Sunny Lambe – BLM founder – said Afriphobia in Labour is something many people within the party have long grown accustomed to.
“Many Black people see the Labour Party as a champion of equality, human rights and social justice; many see it as their natural, political home because we identify with these values, but whether that’s translated into every member of the party is a different question,” said the South Bermondsey councillor.
“The leaked report exposed the atrocities that’s now happening within the Labour party but it’s not new: it’s been happening for a long time.
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“Every single Black Labour party member has a story to tell about being somehow discriminated against. Perhaps this report happens to be the one that broke the camel’s back, which saddens a lot of people including myself.
“This led to the establishment of BLM in 2016 because Black people just vote and what do we get in return? People don’t take us seriously at all levels from branches and CLP [constituency Labour Party] to regional and national.”
Black Labour Movement founder Sunny Lambe Supplied
Operation Black Vote is non-profit national organisation established in 1996 to address what it describes as the “Black British and ethnic minority democratic deficit”.
Founder Lord Simon Woolley, who is a cross-bench member of the House of Lords, acknowledged the concerns held by many Black people.
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“The new leader must deal with this effectively,” he said. “The elements that have arisen from the leaked report must be effectively dealt with. If the allegations are true about what happened to Diane Abbott and others – and of anti-Black racism – then it is extremely serious.
“We’ll need to see a lot more done before full confidence is restored for many Black voters because there’s a lot of rebuilding to be done.”
A spokesperson from BAME Labour told HuffPost UK: “BAME Labour strongly condemns racism in all its manifestations and has been in the vanguard of challenging racism in the Labour Party, politics and public life.
“BAME Labour campaigns to increase Black representation at all levels within the Labour Party and UK parliaments.”
Echoing Lambe’s comments, a Labour councillor – who has asked not to be named – made the claim that Afriphobia is deeply embedded within the party.
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“Whilst, on one level, the report highlights anti-Blackness in the party, this has been a longstanding issue,” the councillor said.
One Labour Party activist told HuffPost UK he felt the party was “institutionally racist”. And another anonymous Black Labour councillor said issues around Afriphobia far predated Starmer’s tenure as leader.
“I’ve been concerned about anti-Blackness including overt personal and institutional racism for the last 10 years,” the first councillor told HuffPost UK.
“I’ve seen a failure to address formal complaints when [they have] been raised. Plus, the approach to handling racist, anti-BAME complaints has been far worse than [the] approach to antisemitism.”
The councillor said Labour did not even have a system to log complaints of racism prior to 2018, which they believe shows a historic unwillingness to tackle the problem head-on.
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A second councillor told HuffPost UK: “There are issues around selections of Black candidates to become MPs and councillors. It’s not just within the party – it’s a problem across the stake-holders that the parties engage with. Why don’t unions back particular candidates?
“Even before Starmer became leader, there were obviously issues around anti-Blackness in the Labour Party and a lot of criticism needs to be directed at the Labour Party’s national executive committee because the leader of the party is not the person who makes the decisions around what happens.”
Stormzy with Jeremy Corbyn in 2017 David M. Benett via Getty Images
And, nodding to Starmer’s appointment of Doreen Lawrence to head up Labour’s review into disproportionate BAME Covid-19 deaths as an indication of his commitment to race equality and his well documented belief in an “independent complaints review process”, the councillor defended the Labour leader’s silence on the issue around Afriphobia.
“Starmer already made it clear from the very beginning that he believes in an independent process into disciplinary matters in the party, so I’m not trying to defend him – but I think we have to give him time to see what he does.”
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The councillor went on to describe some of the online backlash against Labour from some Black people as unfair, and said anti-Black racism worsened while Corbyn was leader.
“I’ve been at the heart, on the frontline, of what was going on in the Labour Party. I think some of the outrage of people on ’Black Twitter, for example, is out of touch with the realities of what’s going on,” they said.
It has also been suggested that Black British celebrities’ endorsement of the Labour Party as a progressive, pro-Black political party has served to create a false impression, far removed from the reality of the situation.
In the lead up to the general election in 2017, the Grime 4 Corbyn campaign was established by a number of popular, Black grime artists pledging support for the Labour leader.
This was well received by Black communities and the media, and resulted in an upsurge of younger generations becoming more politically active.
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However, the second councillor described how a show of support from Black public figures made a lot of Black staffers at Labour HQ “cringe” while they were being actively discriminated against on the frontline.
“This is not some soap drama. This is politics, this is people’s lives,” the councillor said.
And they said that, in their opinion: “The Labour Party used the #Grime4Corbyn movement as an opportunity to jump on ‘grime’ and things that are associated with being pro-Black but had no real intentions of doing anything progressive for Black people among its ranks.”
Artists including Dizzee Rascal and Skepta have publicly questioned the #Grime4Corbyn campaign for similar reasons.
As a result of endorsement from Black stars, the councillor says, it became harder for the predominantly white mainstream media to report on anti-Blackness in the Labour Party.
The local leader alleges that this wall of silence has exacerbated the ongoing problem and lent itself to the culture of intense disregard that enables racism to thrive.
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A Labour supporter wears a #Grime4Corbyn T-shirt Anadolu Agency via Getty Images
“I do think journalists are aware of it but when you’ve got very high profile Black British people saying they support the party, would you feel comfortable as a reporter – especially if you’re not Black – [saying that] actually this is an issue?” the councillor asked.
“In the last couple of years Labour has been seen as the party of pro-Blackness, #Grime4Corbyn [...] when actually it’s not always been a safe space for Black people within the party itself, from councillors and staff to general members. And there’s a fear of talking publicly about anti-Blackness in the party.”
Speaking to HuffPost UK, another source recalled shocking instances of infighting between Black colleagues at Labour HQ.
“There’s a new generation of Black MPs who are more vocal and really want to do some great things and there’s a bit of an internal battle with [the] old Black guard, who like to keep things softly, softly, try to get drawn onto the front bench; it’s all about them rather than what can be [done] on a bigger scale,” they said.
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Echoing this, the councillor further concluded: “I think a lot of people would accept that some senior Black politicians, even, haven’t always been supportive of Black junior members of staff, Black members of staff and Black people in general.”
As well as commissioning the investigation, the party said, its leadership had “instructed the then general secretary to put measures in place to protect the welfare of party members and party staff who are concerned or affected by the report”.