thebeaverton--2020-01-09--Tories hopeful they will find ordinary, down-to-earth leader with a spare $300,000 to spend on entry

Tories hopeful they will find ordinary, down-to-earth leader with a spare $300,000 to spend on entry fee

OTTAWA – A poll of Conservative Party members has indicated that a strong majority want a commoner relatable to all Canadians who can easily dish out $ 300,000 deposit for a leadership entry bid .
“ I want our next leader to be able to sit down and have a cognac with everyday folk at their second cottage or private club , ” said one former Tory MP .
“ They should have a firm handshake , look people in the eye , and be able to easily afford an additional house in Hamilton or Prince Edward Island.
” Some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Official Opposition include tax cuts , more tax cuts , and improving Porsche-care .
Many of those polled also want to see the Conservatives move towards more progressive policies , which is why a woman who voted to re-open the debate on abortion and did little to address climate change as a cabinet minister is ahead in the polls as preferred leader .
The Conservative Party ’ s entry fee differs dramatically from the Liberal Party ’ s leadership requirement to pay $ 75,000 in government subsidies to a Quebec corporation , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ donate a single canned food item to a local charity .

OTTAWA – A poll of Conservative Party members has indicated that a strong majority want a commoner relatable to all Canadians who can easily dish out $300,000 deposit for a leadership entry bid.
“I want our next leader to be able to sit down and have a cognac with everyday folk at their second cottage or private club,” said one former Tory MP. “They should have a firm handshake, look people in the eye, and be able to easily afford an additional house in Hamilton or Prince Edward Island.”
Some top priorities for the next Leader of the Official Opposition include tax cuts, more tax cuts, and improving Porsche-care.
Many of those polled also want to see the Conservatives move towards more progressive policies, which is why a woman who voted to re-open the debate on abortion and did little to address climate change as a cabinet minister is ahead in the polls as preferred leader.
The Conservative Party’s entry fee differs dramatically from the Liberal Party’s leadership requirement to pay $75,000 in government subsidies to a Quebec corporation, and the NDP’s requirement to donate a single canned food item to a local charity.


thebeaverton--2020-01-10--9-year-old college prodigy wins third consecutive game of beer pong

LONDON , ON – Gabriel Thompson , the 9 year-old child genius who made waves by being admitted into Major Biology and Mathematics program at Western , is reportedly kicking ass at a game of beer pong .
“ We knew the kid was smart , but damn , can he drink , ” said Jimmy Wendell , who lives at the frat house where Thompson began his remarkable win streak .
“ We didn ’ t want to let him play , but he insisted he could anything can do and threatened to tell our den mother on us.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Thompson is doing so well , despite claiming to have never played before .
Some attribute his skill to his proficiency at calculating trajectory , his use of the double bounce rule to make his opponents drink twice , or the fact that the balls are similar to the ones he recently used to bounce in his parents garage .
As expected , Thompson has made an impression on faculty as well .
“ I can say without question that Gabriel has a bright future ahead of him , ” claimed Vice-Dean Anna @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , work ethic , and disregard for the legal drinking age , it wouldn ’ t surprise me if he made the Dean ’ s List.
” At press time , Thompson ’ s early admittance may be in jeopardy after allegations he led an aggressive hazing ritual against this years ’ freshman class .

LONDON, ON – Gabriel Thompson, the 9 year-old child genius who made waves by being admitted into Major Biology and Mathematics program at Western, is reportedly kicking ass at a game of beer pong.
“We knew the kid was smart, but damn, can he drink,” said Jimmy Wendell, who lives at the frat house where Thompson began his remarkable win streak. “We didn’t want to let him play, but he insisted he could anything can do and threatened to tell our den mother on us.”
Eyewitnesses are uncertain as to how Thompson is doing so well, despite claiming to have never played before. Some attribute his skill to his proficiency at calculating trajectory, his use of the double bounce rule to make his opponents drink twice, or the fact that the balls are similar to the ones he recently used to bounce in his parents garage.
As expected, Thompson has made an impression on faculty as well. “I can say without question that Gabriel has a bright future ahead of him,” claimed Vice-Dean Anna DeSantos. “With his astounding intelligence, work ethic, and disregard for the legal drinking age, it wouldn’t surprise me if he made the Dean’s List.”
At press time, Thompson’s early admittance may be in jeopardy after allegations he led an aggressive hazing ritual against this years’ freshman class.


thebeaverton--2020-01-10--Angry tweet at TTC fixes decades of underfunding

TORONTO , ON — After a twitter user wrote “ @ TTCHelps 8 minute wait for the subway , why do MY tax dollars go towards such a lazy incompetent organization ?
” , years of problems caused by service backlogs , aging vehicles , canceled projects and limited funding were immediately resolved .
“ In my decades of serving the public as a TTC worker I never realized there was a problem , ” said driver Jolene Braats .
“ Thank you for pointing that out .
If it wasn ’ t for that tweet and the three people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ known there was a problem.
” Seven minutes after the tweet was sent , it was distributed as an official memo to all TTC employees .
Within days all service issues had stopped , and within the week two new subway lines had been completed .
When reached for comment the writer , @ Leafsfan84 , also known as Dom Peritti of North York replied , “ Increasing operational budgets and capital investments , wasn ’ t going to change anything .
What helps is outbursts of rage when something personally impacts me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it.
” After single-handedly fixing the entire Toronto Transport Commission , Leafsfan84 then replied to a CBC news article about possible teacher strikes with “ If only the two sides could be ADULTS and just TALK to each other ” .
This led both parties to immediately stop conducting the negotiations silently through children .
There are also rumours that an emoticon filled treatise on how “ simple and easy a two state solution ” would be is in the works .
Now that the TTC has been fixed , many Torontonians are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for being late when they were simply too lazy to leave their house on time .

TORONTO, ON — After a twitter user wrote “@TTCHelps 8 minute wait for the subway, why do MY tax dollars go towards such a lazy incompetent organization?”, years of problems caused by service backlogs, aging vehicles, canceled projects and limited funding were immediately resolved.
“In my decades of serving the public as a TTC worker I never realized there was a problem,” said driver Jolene Braats. “Thank you for pointing that out. If it wasn’t for that tweet and the three people who retweeted it we would never have known there was a problem.”
Seven minutes after the tweet was sent, it was distributed as an official memo to all TTC employees. Within days all service issues had stopped, and within the week two new subway lines had been completed.
When reached for comment the writer, @Leafsfan84, also known as Dom Peritti of North York replied, “Increasing operational budgets and capital investments, wasn’t going to change anything. What helps is outbursts of rage when something personally impacts me, and then to immediately forget about it.”
After single-handedly fixing the entire Toronto Transport Commission, Leafsfan84 then replied to a CBC news article about possible teacher strikes with “If only the two sides could be ADULTS and just TALK to each other”. This led both parties to immediately stop conducting the negotiations silently through children. There are also rumours that an emoticon filled treatise on how “simple and easy a two state solution” would be is in the works.
Now that the TTC has been fixed, many Torontonians are scrambling to find another entity to blame for being late when they were simply too lazy to leave their house on time.


thebeaverton--2020-01-10--How to keep your New Year’s Resolutions by modifying them every day

The new year is upon us , and it ’ s time to make a plan for keeping all those resolutions !
Whether your plan was to eat better , read more , quit a bad habit or pursue a professional goal , a surefire method of sticking with your resolution is to make sure you change it a little bit every single day .
“ It ultimately comes down to consistency ” life coach Lisa Wilgram says .
“ For example , if you resolve on January 1st to cut down on sugar , on January 2nd , clarify @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is only about sugar before 5 PM–that way you can have some of the candy you bought on the way home from the New Years party before your resolution really kicked in .
And on January 3rd , let everybody know that chocolate doesn ’ t count.
” “ By the end of the year , there won ’ t be a resolution you can ’ t keep !
” While sticking to goals can be tough , Wilgram says it ’ s important to get creative with new and improved versions of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your original goal was to read the news every day , and by June you ’ re reading it once a week , it might feel like there ’ s nowhere to go .
“ But that ’ s when you have to consider what the whole idea of what “ reading ” really means .
If you just fall asleep with one browser window on your phone open to the Globe and Mail and your phone stuck against your face , you ’ re getting the same info , right ?
In @ @ @ @ @ @ @ easiest way to achieve them can be out-of-the-box thinking .
“ A lot of people get hung up on semantics , like ‘ I ’ m going to do 50 situps a day ’ versus ‘ I ’ m going to lie on the floor and think about doing situps every day ’ .
There ’ s no need to get bogged down in that .
In fact , it ’ s important that by the end of the year , your resolution basically sounds like it ’ s gone through 365 turns @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who really don ’ t want to cut back on their drinking or work on their hobbies.
” Finally , Wilgram says , another fantastic way to avoid ever breaking your new years resolutions is to clarify that they weren ’ t for this new year , but for next new year .
“ Nobody ever got promised you ’ d read Jane Eyre in 2020 , ” Wilgram says .
“ And just think , clarifying that your New Year ’ s resolution starts a year from now will give you lots @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can be improved on .
”

The new year is upon us, and it’s time to make a plan for keeping all those resolutions! Whether your plan was to eat better, read more, quit a bad habit or pursue a professional goal, a surefire method of sticking with your resolution is to make sure you change it a little bit every single day.
“It ultimately comes down to consistency” life coach Lisa Wilgram says. “For example, if you resolve on January 1st to cut down on sugar, on January 2nd, clarify to your friends and family that this is only about sugar before 5 PM–that way you can have some of the candy you bought on the way home from the New Years party before your resolution really kicked in. And on January 3rd, let everybody know that chocolate doesn’t count.”
“By the end of the year, there won’t be a resolution you can’t keep!”
While sticking to goals can be tough, Wilgram says it’s important to get creative with new and improved versions of your resolution. For example, if your original goal was to read the news every day, and by June you’re reading it once a week, it might feel like there’s nowhere to go.
“But that’s when you have to consider what the whole idea of what “reading” really means. If you just fall asleep with one browser window on your phone open to the Globe and Mail and your phone stuck against your face, you’re getting the same info, right?
In fact, Wilgram says, sometimes the easiest way to achieve them can be out-of-the-box thinking.
“A lot of people get hung up on semantics, like ‘I’m going to do 50 situps a day’ versus ‘I’m going to lie on the floor and think about doing situps every day’. There’s no need to get bogged down in that. In fact, it’s important that by the end of the year, your resolution basically sounds like it’s gone through 365 turns of a game of Telephone among people who really don’t want to cut back on their drinking or work on their hobbies.”
Finally, Wilgram says, another fantastic way to avoid ever breaking your new years resolutions is to clarify that they weren’t for this new year, but for next new year.
“Nobody ever got promised you’d read Jane Eyre in 2020,” Wilgram says. “And just think, clarifying that your New Year’s resolution starts a year from now will give you lots of time to think about ways it can be improved on.”


thebeaverton--2020-01-11--Vancouver Police Department preemptively apologizes for all of the racist incidents it will be invol

Vancouver Police Department preemptively apologizes for all of the racist incidents it will be involved in this year

VANCOUVER – In the interests of efficiency , the Vancouver Police Department has decided to start the new year by apologizing for all of the hundreds of racist interactions they will have with minorities this year .
“ We wholeheartedly apologize in advance to all of the Indigenous individuals we will handcuff and/or arrest for attempting to perform completely innocuous and legal actions like opening bank accounts , ” a VPD spokesperson said during the apologetic press conference .
“ We also apologize to all of the Black and Indigenous people we will target for street checks in numbers that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the stops were truly random and not based on racial bias .
We will be very sorry about those.
” “ And we plan to be deeply regretful about all of the instances this year in which members of minority communities attempt to report crimes against them and are dismissed out of hand by the police officers who are supposed to be protecting them .
Deeply regretful indeed.
” When asked why they have made the decision to apologize for all of the year ’ s racism in a single press conference , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was a matter of expediency .
“ By apologizing all at once for all of our racist conduct in 2020 , the department is not only saving the money and hassle of having to apologize on a case by case basis throughout the year , we ’ re saving the hassle of having to actually do something about our racist conduct , ” the spokesperson said .
“ It ’ s the most practical way to deal with the consequences of our institutionalized racism , apart , of course , from dealing with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ considering apologizing now for all of their racist conduct for the rest of the decade , but decided that the preemptive apology was better delivered on a year by year basis in case the department begins to practice new and unpredictable forms of racism in the near future .

VANCOUVER – In the interests of efficiency, the Vancouver Police Department has decided to start the new year by apologizing for all of the hundreds of racist interactions they will have with minorities this year.
“We wholeheartedly apologize in advance to all of the Indigenous individuals we will handcuff and/or arrest for attempting to perform completely innocuous and legal actions like opening bank accounts,” a VPD spokesperson said during the apologetic press conference.
“We also apologize to all of the Black and Indigenous people we will target for street checks in numbers that far exceed what they would be if the stops were truly random and not based on racial bias. We will be very sorry about those.”
“And we plan to be deeply regretful about all of the instances this year in which members of minority communities attempt to report crimes against them and are dismissed out of hand by the police officers who are supposed to be protecting them. Deeply regretful indeed.”
When asked why they have made the decision to apologize for all of the year’s racism in a single press conference, the VPD spokesperson explained that apologizing now was a matter of expediency.
“By apologizing all at once for all of our racist conduct in 2020, the department is not only saving the money and hassle of having to apologize on a case by case basis throughout the year, we’re saving the hassle of having to actually do something about our racist conduct,” the spokesperson said. “It’s the most practical way to deal with the consequences of our institutionalized racism, apart, of course, from dealing with our institutionalized racism.”
The VPD was considering apologizing now for all of their racist conduct for the rest of the decade, but decided that the preemptive apology was better delivered on a year by year basis in case the department begins to practice new and unpredictable forms of racism in the near future.


thebeaverton--2020-01-12--Internet argument less fun at dinner table

NAPIERVILLE , QC – Following a heated discussion during a family dinner about the same topics those present typically argued about online , all members of the Chernak family agreed that it lacked the thrill of a quality flame war .
“ It started out the same way it always does on Facebook , with somebody saying what ’ s really wrong with this country , ” explained Philippe Chernak .
“ I was excited to really get into it , but halfway through telling my aunt that she was an ignorant tool this weird thing happened where I saw @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hurt her feelings .
It was like watching a gif , but sad.
” Philippe ’ s aunt Denise agreed that the comment stung more in person : “ There ’ s just something so unsettling about hearing words like that and not being able to respond with a link to a 75 minute YouTube video.
” During the course of the debate , not a single friend from outside the family chimed in to like arguments made by people they agreed with , even when Philippe ’ s sister Victoria Chernak referenced @ @ @ @ @ @ @ normally would have backed her up on .
“ It was like they weren ’ t even there , ” Victoria was later heard saying , in reference to her 853 followers .
“ The worst part , ” stated Philippe , “ was when I finally explained that my dad ’ s ideas weren ’ t that far off from what Hitler believed , I could see everybody at the table rolling their eyes .
Couldn ’ t they just post a link to the Wikipedia page for Godwin ’ s Law @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Those present at dinner who were not participating in the argument itself lamented that none of the foods at the table were quite right for recreating the Michael-Jackson-eating-popcorn meme .
Following the dispute , all members of the Chernak family agreed that the one quality that the exchange did share with their online arguments was that none of them succeeded in changing one another ’ s opinions about anything .

NAPIERVILLE, QC – Following a heated discussion during a family dinner about the same topics those present typically argued about online, all members of the Chernak family agreed that it lacked the thrill of a quality flame war.
“It started out the same way it always does on Facebook, with somebody saying what’s really wrong with this country,” explained Philippe Chernak. “I was excited to really get into it, but halfway through telling my aunt that she was an ignorant tool this weird thing happened where I saw on her face that I’d hurt her feelings. It was like watching a gif, but sad.”
Philippe’s aunt Denise agreed that the comment stung more in person: “There’s just something so unsettling about hearing words like that and not being able to respond with a link to a 75 minute YouTube video.”
During the course of the debate, not a single friend from outside the family chimed in to like arguments made by people they agreed with, even when Philippe’s sister Victoria Chernak referenced a theory that all of her classmates normally would have backed her up on. “It was like they weren’t even there,” Victoria was later heard saying, in reference to her 853 followers.
“The worst part,” stated Philippe, “was when I finally explained that my dad’s ideas weren’t that far off from what Hitler believed, I could see everybody at the table rolling their eyes. Couldn’t they just post a link to the Wikipedia page for Godwin’s Law or something less harsh like that?”
Those present at dinner who were not participating in the argument itself lamented that none of the foods at the table were quite right for recreating the Michael-Jackson-eating-popcorn meme.
Following the dispute, all members of the Chernak family agreed that the one quality that the exchange did share with their online arguments was that none of them succeeded in changing one another’s opinions about anything.


thebeaverton--2020-01-12--Dry January to be wettest on record

Dry January to be wettest on record

Vancouver , BC — Following a wave of high-pressure this week , meteorologists predict Dry January will be the wettest on record .
Up until Tuesday , leading meteorologists predicted that January would be completely dry .
However , by Thursday evening , their satellite models had begun to show signs of scattered ‘ just one drink isn ’ t cheating ’ sips across all of Canada .
“ Around the time Canadians were getting back into work and the threat of WWIII looked imminent , we saw a catastrophic surge in mental , emotional , and peer pressure sweep @ @ @ @ @ @ @ frost over our souls .
Suddenly , drowning our sorrows didn ’ t seem like the worst thing we could be doing , ” said Markus Dobrik of Weather BC .
Due to this cold-front , almost all Canadians will be experiencing an icy tipple by late afternoon and by 7 pm a full-blown , 35 cm sleeve-sized downpour of strong 7 % IPA .
Even drier areas will experience at least a 6 oz Riesling , if not the full bottle .
“ Damp January would be optimistic , ” explained Earth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ atmospheric changes caused by international disasters will lead to category 4 gusts of slushy crushed ice , expired margarita blend , and vodka that will carry on throughout the night .
A Completely Sopping January is probably the most realistic outcome.
” Although most Canadians will wake up to a head of cloud and fog , they are warned that there ’ s no sign of let-up .
Drenched January is expected to carry on into a Water-logged Beyond Recognition February .

Vancouver, BC — Following a wave of high-pressure this week, meteorologists predict Dry January will be the wettest on record.
Up until Tuesday, leading meteorologists predicted that January would be completely dry. However, by Thursday evening, their satellite models had begun to show signs of scattered ‘just one drink isn’t cheating’ sips across all of Canada.
“Around the time Canadians were getting back into work and the threat of WWIII looked imminent, we saw a catastrophic surge in mental, emotional, and peer pressure sweep the country, leading to a bitter frost over our souls. Suddenly, drowning our sorrows didn’t seem like the worst thing we could be doing,” said Markus Dobrik of Weather BC.
Due to this cold-front, almost all Canadians will be experiencing an icy tipple by late afternoon and by 7 pm a full-blown, 35 cm sleeve-sized downpour of strong 7% IPA. Even drier areas will experience at least a 6 oz Riesling, if not the full bottle.
“Damp January would be optimistic,” explained Earth Science professor Edie McRae. “But atmospheric changes caused by international disasters will lead to category 4 gusts of slushy crushed ice, expired margarita blend, and vodka that will carry on throughout the night. A Completely Sopping January is probably the most realistic outcome.”
Although most Canadians will wake up to a head of cloud and fog, they are warned that there’s no sign of let-up.
Drenched January is expected to carry on into a Water-logged Beyond Recognition February.


thebeaverton--2020-01-12--False alarm: Employee responsible for pressing wrong button for alert resumes pressing wrong buttons

False alarm: Employee responsible for pressing wrong button for alert resumes pressing wrong buttons at nuclear plant

PICKERING , ON – Officials at Ontario Power Generation explained that the employee responsible for this morning ’ s false @ @ @ @ @ the Pickering nuclear power generating station is sorry , and has returned to work pressing @ @ @ @ @ We can assure everyone within a 10 km radius of our Pickering plant that everyone @ @ @ @ @ continues to diligently press buttons on various control panels , ” explained a plant official @ @ @ @ @ these buttons and do-thingies activate , we ’ re not entirely sure , but the @ @ @ @ @ crater , so it must mean we ’ re doing a good job.
” The @ @ @ @ @ by the erroneous alarm causing a panic about nuclear annihilation and references to Chernobyl on @ @ @ @ @ officials say Ontarians remain confident in their abilities to manage all of the gadgets , @ @ @ @ @ go into nuclear power .
“ And , thanks to Mike , we now know @ @ @ @ @ is located , ” added the official .

PICKERING, ON – Officials at Ontario Power Generation explained that the employee responsible for this morning’s false alarm about an incident at the Pickering nuclear power generating station is sorry, and has returned to work pressing the wrong buttons.
“We can assure everyone within a 10 km radius of our Pickering plant that everyone is safe knowing that Mike continues to diligently press buttons on various control panels,” explained a plant official. “What most of these buttons and do-thingies activate, we’re not entirely sure, but the plant is not a smouldering crater, so it must mean we’re doing a good job.”
The entire province was woken up by the erroneous alarm causing a panic about nuclear annihilation and references to Chernobyl on social media. However OPG officials say Ontarians remain confident in their abilities to manage all of the gadgets, whistles, and horns that go into nuclear power.
“And, thanks to Mike, we now know where the emergency alert button is located,” added the official.


thebeaverton--2020-01-14--Introspective carpenter finds her shelf

Introspective carpenter finds her shelf

KELOWNA , BC – Local carpenter Marybeth Dinh , 35 , who left her accounting job in Vancouver to escape @ @ @ @ @ the picturesque BC interior , announced to friends and family via email this morning that @ @ @ @ @ shelf .
“ I have been working on my shelf for several years since my @ @ @ @ @ said Dinh .
“ There have been highs and lows : Losing my shelf in @ @ @ @ @ and being helped by other shelf-less people , thinking I had understood my shelf and @ @ @ @ @ in the mirror at shelves I do not even recognize…the journey has been long.
” @ @ @ @ @ , ” she concluded .
“ I have found what I know in my heart @ @ @ @ @ authentic shelf , and I wish the same for all of you .
As the @ @ @ @ @ one of the Delphic maxims : know thy shelf .
”

KELOWNA, BC – Local carpenter Marybeth Dinh, 35, who left her accounting job in Vancouver to escape from the rat race into the picturesque BC interior, announced to friends and family via email this morning that she has finally found her shelf.
“I have been working on my shelf for several years since my move to Kelowna,” said Dinh. “There have been highs and lows: Losing my shelf in the verdant forests, helping and being helped by other shelf-less people, thinking I had understood my shelf and then realizing I was looking in the mirror at shelves I do not even recognize…the journey has been long.”
“Finally, this year,” she concluded. “I have found what I know in my heart to be my true, authentic shelf, and I wish the same for all of you. As the Ancient Greek carpenters said in one of the Delphic maxims: know thy shelf.”


thebeaverton--2020-01-13--Unskilled foreigners seek move to Canada

OTTAWA – A British and American couple , both unemployed , are seeking to emigrate to Canada despite having no real skills to offer the country , early reports indicate .
British and American media have said that an American actor and her husband have the intention of living in the country on a semi-permanent or permanent basis .
The actor has found some previous work in Toronto which may help her immigration and work permit applications although Citizenship and Immigration Canada has not identified acting as an in-demand trade .
“ She has to obtain the proper paperwork indicating @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said an Immigration Canada official .
“ We need references and a criminal record check before her application can move forward , but she hasn ’ t even been nominated for a single Golden Globe yet.
” ‘ Being famous ’ was not considered a skill in demand unlike a doctor , nurse , engineer , or general labourer .
The husband ’ s application scored 0 out of 70 points on his Canadian work experience despite claiming ‘ waving ’ and ‘ talking ’ during his most recent visits to Canada .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ in policing and security costs with round-the-clock monitoring .
On the streets , reactions were mixed among Canadians with some welcoming the fleeing couple , while others feared that Harry would illegally take away ceremonial jobs from hard working Canadians .
The ribbon-cutting and handshaking industries in Canada have been hit hard leaving many politicians and dignitaries out of work .
“ I ’ m not against royal immigration , but they can really mess up a neighbourhood , what with their excessive wealth and palaces , ” said Stuart Barton of Toronto @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you to call them ‘ Your Royal Highness ’ and bring their families with them including that uncle who ’ s a sex offender .
I think they should get out.
” “ I think we should be more compassionate to their situation , ” said Chadda Singh of Vancouver .
“ If I had that amount of money , I wouldn ’ t have any skills either .
They have come here to raise their child in peace and plushness.
” Meanwhile , the Refugee Board rejected the pair ’ s claim @ @ @ @ @ @ @ devolving into authoritarian states .
However , there is a great chance that the couple will be allowed in through the Canadian Inferiority Complex Residency Program .

OTTAWA – A British and American couple, both unemployed, are seeking to emigrate to Canada despite having no real skills to offer the country, early reports indicate.
British and American media have said that an American actor and her husband have the intention of living in the country on a semi-permanent or permanent basis.
The actor has found some previous work in Toronto which may help her immigration and work permit applications although Citizenship and Immigration Canada has not identified acting as an in-demand trade.
“She has to obtain the proper paperwork indicating that she has a job,” said an Immigration Canada official. “We need references and a criminal record check before her application can move forward, but she hasn’t even been nominated for a single Golden Globe yet.”
‘Being famous’ was not considered a skill in demand unlike a doctor, nurse, engineer, or general labourer. The husband’s application scored 0 out of 70 points on his Canadian work experience despite claiming ‘waving’ and ‘talking’ during his most recent visits to Canada.
The move will also cost Canadians millions in policing and security costs with round-the-clock monitoring.
Some express fear British man will steal ribbon-cutting jobs
On the streets, reactions were mixed among Canadians with some welcoming the fleeing couple, while others feared that Harry would illegally take away ceremonial jobs from hard working Canadians.
The ribbon-cutting and handshaking industries in Canada have been hit hard leaving many politicians and dignitaries out of work.
“I’m not against royal immigration, but they can really mess up a neighbourhood, what with their excessive wealth and palaces,” said Stuart Barton of Toronto. “And they’ll force you to call them ‘Your Royal Highness’ and bring their families with them including that uncle who’s a sex offender. I think they should get out.”
“I think we should be more compassionate to their situation,” said Chadda Singh of Vancouver. “If I had that amount of money, I wouldn’t have any skills either. They have come here to raise their child in peace and plushness.”
Meanwhile, the Refugee Board rejected the pair’s claim that they were fleeing family and governments devolving into authoritarian states.
However, there is a great chance that the couple will be allowed in through the Canadian Inferiority Complex Residency Program.


thebeaverton--2020-01-13--Ontario’s education minister chastises first graders for not knowing their ABCs: “Always Be Closing”

GLENGARRY COUNTY , ON – Ontario ’ s Education Minister Stephen Lecce gave a stern lecture to an underperforming class of grade 1s about the business of Ontario ’ s education system .
“ I hear what you ’ re complaining about…some son-of-a-bitch doesn ’ t want to buy our proposed online math curriculum , or you can ’ t turn a profit on selling gym equipment , ” lectured Lecce as he paced through Mrs. Williamsons class .
“ But let ’ s talk about something important .
Let ’ s talk about how we spent good money on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our curriculum products to buyers.
” “ And all I see is a bunch of snot-nosed losers who can ’ t close , ” said the disgusted-looking Ontario cabinet minister .
“ How can you succeed in life if you ’ re not good at sales ?
” Lecce briefly interrupted his lesson about the cold , hard reality of being a successful student .
“ Put that toy down !
” yelled Lecce one of the six-year-olds playing with a puzzle .
“ Toys are for closers only.
” “ I heard @ @ @ @ @ @ @ office , ” whispered one student to his friend , referring to the Ministry of Education located in Toronto .
“ His watch is worth more than a substitute teacher ’ s salary.
” Lecce explained that the top earner of the Glen Ross Elementary School would be rewarded for their hard efforts with a brand new Hot Wheels sports car while second place would receive a set of steak knives .
Those in third place and below would be a part of the provincial government ’ s budget cuts .
As Lecce @ @ @ @ @ @ @ remarked , “ This is a place of business , not some kind of school .
”

GLENGARRY COUNTY, ON – Ontario’s Education Minister Stephen Lecce gave a stern lecture to an underperforming class of grade 1s about the business of Ontario’s education system.
“I hear what you’re complaining about…some son-of-a-bitch doesn’t want to buy our proposed online math curriculum, or you can’t turn a profit on selling gym equipment,” lectured Lecce as he paced through Mrs. Williamsons class. “But let’s talk about something important. Let’s talk about how we spent good money on you kids and expect you to sell our curriculum products to buyers.”
“And all I see is a bunch of snot-nosed losers who can’t close,” said the disgusted-looking Ontario cabinet minister. “How can you succeed in life if you’re not good at sales?”
Lecce briefly interrupted his lesson about the cold, hard reality of being a successful student.
“Put that toy down!” yelled Lecce one of the six-year-olds playing with a puzzle. “Toys are for closers only.”
“I heard he was sent here from the downtown office,” whispered one student to his friend, referring to the Ministry of Education located in Toronto. “His watch is worth more than a substitute teacher’s salary.”
Lecce explained that the top earner of the Glen Ross Elementary School would be rewarded for their hard efforts with a brand new Hot Wheels sports car while second place would receive a set of steak knives.
Those in third place and below would be a part of the provincial government’s budget cuts.
As Lecce departed the class of terrified youngsters he remarked, “This is a place of business, not some kind of school.”


thebeaverton--2020-01-14--Flask industry claims flasks are not just used for sneaky drinking

TORONTO – Despite scientific studies proving otherwise , the Canadian Flaskmakers Association ( CFA ) continues to assert that its product is a normal beverage container and not one used 100 % of the time for sneaky drinking .
The CFA is in legal troubles after the provincial government attempted to ban flasks , claiming they were an instrument for circumventing public drinking laws and not , as the CFA claims , a “ fun drink cup with a funky flasky shape !
” “ Look at these nice people enjoying a flask of lemonade at a picnic , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a recent hearing while pointing at a picture of smiling families raising flasks in a toast .
“ None of them are ashamed of what they are doing in the least !
” Motz then tearfully showed the court his flask , that his grandfather had engraved with the words , “ To my grandson Barry , ” and then written in sharpie , “ for openly drinking water ” .
The CFA website features many pictures of flasks being used in innocuous situations , including a man feeding his dog water from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stacked flasks containing grape juice being presented to children at school , and a baby giggling while sipping from its flask of milk .
The prosecutor Sandra Feldmann countered the Association ’ s claims by pointing out that not only are flasks used almost exclusively for drinking alcohol , it is also almost always used “ to do something super creepy , like drinking in the bathroom at a funeral , pouring whiskey on your cornflakes , or holding it up next to your face while winking at children ” Following the flask @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in which the pipe industry tried to claim that lots of non-university professors used their product for tobacco , and not marijuana .

TORONTO – Despite scientific studies proving otherwise, the Canadian Flaskmakers Association (CFA) continues to assert that its product is a normal beverage container and not one used 100% of the time for sneaky drinking.
The CFA is in legal troubles after the provincial government attempted to ban flasks, claiming they were an instrument for circumventing public drinking laws and not, as the CFA claims, a “fun drink cup with a funky flasky shape!”
“Look at these nice people enjoying a flask of lemonade at a picnic,” said Flask Association lawyer Barry Motz during a recent hearing while pointing at a picture of smiling families raising flasks in a toast. “None of them are ashamed of what they are doing in the least!”
Motz then tearfully showed the court his flask, that his grandfather had engraved with the words, “To my grandson Barry,” and then written in sharpie, “for openly drinking water”.
The CFA website features many pictures of flasks being used in innocuous situations, including a man feeding his dog water from a flask, a tray of snugly stacked flasks containing grape juice being presented to children at school, and a baby giggling while sipping from its flask of milk.
The prosecutor Sandra Feldmann countered the Association’s claims by pointing out that not only are flasks used almost exclusively for drinking alcohol, it is also almost always used “to do something super creepy, like drinking in the bathroom at a funeral, pouring whiskey on your cornflakes, or holding it up next to your face while winking at children”
Following the flask hearing, a similar suit was scheduled in which the pipe industry tried to claim that lots of non-university professors used their product for tobacco, and not marijuana.


thebeaverton--2020-01-14--Conservatives sure party members who supported Scheer and Bernier last time will now choose a centri

Conservatives sure party members who supported Scheer and Bernier last time will now choose a centrist leader with mass appeal

OTTAWA – As the Conservative Party leadership contest officially gets underway party insiders expressed confidence that the same members who last time supported libertarian , racist uncle Maxime Bernier and personification of a t-shirt tucked into jeans Andrew Scheer will this time choose a charming , well-spoken leader who can attract voters from across the political spectrum .
“ We know what we need .
Someone who can win the GTA and Montreal suburbs , and who doesn ’ t alienate the country with extreme right-wing views , ” said one anonymous official .
“ And even though our members @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and Montreal and hold extreme right-wing views , we are confident they will make the correct choice.
” “ I mean , it ’ s not like they ’ re going to vote for Pierre Poilievre or something right ?
Right ?
!
” In the 2017 leadership race the top contenders were Bernier , ‘ Canada ’ s Trump ’ O ’ Leary , ‘ Canada ’ s other Trump ’ Kellie Leitch , ‘ back-up Andrew Scheer ’ Brad Trost and Scheer , the eventual winner .
Meanwhile centrist candidates who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of colour like Lisa Raitt and Michael Chong were mostly ignored .
But now that the party has spent 3 years working itself into a fury over the carbon tax , stoking separatist elements in Alberta and Saskatchewan , and convincing itself that Trudeau is Satan ’ s emissary on earth , that ’ s all about to change .
“ I ’ m hoping to run on a platform of a balanced budget , embracing the LGBTQ community and making common sense plans to protect our environment , ” said Rona Ambrose @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ‘ Lock Him Up , Lock Him Up ’ from the party members she was speaking to .
Said one party member .
“ I ’ ll vote for the person I think can convince Canadians that market solutions and proper conservation will do more to stop climate change than any carbon tax .
That or the person who promises to send all those Jihadi terrorists Trudeau paid millions of dollars to move here straight to hell !
” In related news Andrew Scheer was thinking about running again in the hopes that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ever Party leader .

OTTAWA – As the Conservative Party leadership contest officially gets underway party insiders expressed confidence that the same members who last time supported libertarian, racist uncle Maxime Bernier and personification of a t-shirt tucked into jeans Andrew Scheer will this time choose a charming, well-spoken leader who can attract voters from across the political spectrum.
“We know what we need. Someone who can win the GTA and Montreal suburbs, and who doesn’t alienate the country with extreme right-wing views,” said one anonymous official. “And even though our members are overwhelmingly people who hate the GTA and Montreal and hold extreme right-wing views, we are confident they will make the correct choice.”
“I mean, it’s not like they’re going to vote for Pierre Poilievre or something right? Right?!”
In the 2017 leadership race the top contenders were Bernier, ‘Canada’s Trump’ O’Leary, ‘Canada’s other Trump’ Kellie Leitch, ‘back-up Andrew Scheer’ Brad Trost and Scheer, the eventual winner. Meanwhile centrist candidates who could appeal to female voters and people of colour like Lisa Raitt and Michael Chong were mostly ignored. But now that the party has spent 3 years working itself into a fury over the carbon tax, stoking separatist elements in Alberta and Saskatchewan, and convincing itself that Trudeau is Satan’s emissary on earth, that’s all about to change.
“I’m hoping to run on a platform of a balanced budget, embracing the LGBTQ community and making common sense plans to protect our environment,” said Rona Ambrose before being drowned out by chants of ‘Lock Him Up, Lock Him Up’ from the party members she was speaking to.
Said one party member. “I’ll vote for the person I think can convince Canadians that market solutions and proper conservation will do more to stop climate change than any carbon tax. That or the person who promises to send all those Jihadi terrorists Trudeau paid millions of dollars to move here straight to hell!”
“I hope Ezra Levant runs!” he added.
In related news Andrew Scheer was thinking about running again in the hopes that the country has already forgotten he was ever Party leader.


thebeaverton--2020-01-14--New charity helps royal immigrants integrate into Canada’s high society

TORONTO – In response to the Prince and Princess of Sussex relocation of Canada , a new charity has been established to help the pair as well as other royals better integrate into Canada ’ s upper class .
The Royal Royal Immigrant Society of Canada is mandated to help people Meghan and Harry better blend in with Canada ’ s small group of socialites , aristocrats , and mega wealthy .
“ We have seen an infinite increase in migration to Canada from royalty in the past year , ” explained Olivia Harthwickle , spokeswoman for the charity .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sussex is down to its last $ 40 million , a desperate time for any royal .
But that ’ s why , as blue blooded Canadians , we must extend our kindness through super yachts and elegant dinner parties.
” The charity hopes to welcome any royal newcomer regardless of kingdom of origin .
Harthwickle hopes to teach newcomers about the places to go , the charities to give to , and the nouveau riche to avoid .
The RRISC is calling on members of the upper class to donate their fur @ @ @ @ @ @ @ used Aston Martins to support this incoming wave of royal immigrants .
Diamond encrusted crowns under the value of $ 2 million will not be accepted .
“ We want them to feel like they ’ re at home even though they ’ re living in a colony , ” added Harthwickle .
In lieu of material donations , the Society will also accept any form Canadian smugness towards the couple ’ s relocation to the country .

TORONTO – In response to the Prince and Princess of Sussex relocation of Canada, a new charity has been established to help the pair as well as other royals better integrate into Canada’s upper class.
The Royal Royal Immigrant Society of Canada is mandated to help people Meghan and Harry better blend in with Canada’s small group of socialites, aristocrats, and mega wealthy.
“We have seen an infinite increase in migration to Canada from royalty in the past year,” explained Olivia Harthwickle, spokeswoman for the charity. “We understand that the House of Sussex is down to its last $40 million, a desperate time for any royal. But that’s why, as blue blooded Canadians, we must extend our kindness through super yachts and elegant dinner parties.”
The charity hopes to welcome any royal newcomer regardless of kingdom of origin. Harthwickle hopes to teach newcomers about the places to go, the charities to give to, and the nouveau riche to avoid.
The RRISC is calling on members of the upper class to donate their fur coats, fashionable hats, and gently used Aston Martins to support this incoming wave of royal immigrants. Diamond encrusted crowns under the value of $2 million will not be accepted.
“We want them to feel like they’re at home even though they’re living in a colony,” added Harthwickle.
In lieu of material donations, the Society will also accept any form Canadian smugness towards the couple’s relocation to the country.


thebeaverton--2020-01-15--Breaking: Irresponsible friend offering to babysit as a ‘favour’

Victoria , BC – In an act that witnesses described as ‘ misguided ’ and ‘ galling ” , well known irresponsible friend , Toby Gortham has offered to babysit David and Carly Worthing ’ s 2-year-old son , Kiran .
Gortham , who had just poured everyone Goldschlager shots , seemed concerned that his old university pal Carly , was too stressed out to be fun .
“ He definitely seemed like he thought he was doing them a favour , ” says acquaintance Patricia Allan .
“ But he also seemed like he thought he was doing them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Carly and Toby used to be a terrible pair , just enabled each other all through university .
Carly grew out of that , but Toby doubled down after he won a settlement when he fell in a Walmart parking lot , ” says David Worthing .
“ When we see him now it ’ s because he lost his licence and needs a ride .
Witnesses say that moments before Gortham made the offer , he was holding Kiran by the neck and winked while saying : “ They kept @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the neck , so I ’ m constantly just squeezing it .
They can ’ t yell at me now.
” Gortham , who once returned a cat because it felt like too much responsibility , has apparently been thinking about offering to babysit for a while .
Telling friends that whenever he sees a mattress on the side of the road he should “ grab it to put on the floor if Kiran wanted to crash or something.
” According to witnesses Carly ’ s attempt to table the discussion with talk @ @ @ @ @ @ @ which he shares with two roommates , was met with dismissal .
“ Toby just rolled his eyes and said that if he can survive being blackout drunk , a baby is going to be fine.
” As of press time , no firm dates have been booked for babysitting , but Gortham would rather do it on a Wednesday evening , as “ It ’ s all you can eat shrimp buffet day at the strip club in the neighbourhood .
”

Victoria, BC – In an act that witnesses described as ‘misguided’ and ‘galling”, well known irresponsible friend, Toby Gortham has offered to babysit David and Carly Worthing’s 2-year-old son, Kiran.
Gortham, who had just poured everyone Goldschlager shots, seemed concerned that his old university pal Carly, was too stressed out to be fun. “He definitely seemed like he thought he was doing them a favour,” says acquaintance Patricia Allan. “But he also seemed like he thought he was doing them a favour by bringing homemade pot brownies.”
“Carly and Toby used to be a terrible pair, just enabled each other all through university. Carly grew out of that, but Toby doubled down after he won a settlement when he fell in a Walmart parking lot,” says David Worthing. “When we see him now it’s because he lost his licence and needs a ride.
Witnesses say that moments before Gortham made the offer, he was holding Kiran by the neck and winked while saying: “They kept getting mad at me for not supporting the neck, so I’m constantly just squeezing it. They can’t yell at me now.”
Gortham, who once returned a cat because it felt like too much responsibility, has apparently been thinking about offering to babysit for a while. Telling friends that whenever he sees a mattress on the side of the road he should “grab it to put on the floor if Kiran wanted to crash or something.”
According to witnesses Carly’s attempt to table the discussion with talk about childproofing Gortham’s apartment, which he shares with two roommates, was met with dismissal. “Toby just rolled his eyes and said that if he can survive being blackout drunk, a baby is going to be fine.”
As of press time, no firm dates have been booked for babysitting, but Gortham would rather do it on a Wednesday evening, as “It’s all you can eat shrimp buffet day at the strip club in the neighbourhood.”


thebeaverton--2020-01-15--City that hosted 2010 Winter Olympics fails to prepare for snow again

VANCOUVER – A Canadian city that hosted the 2010 Winter Olympics has yet again failed to anticipate snow .
The @ @ @ @ @ and area as a wintery paradise for the world to see with snow capped mountains @ @ @ @ @ cultural symbol for a logo for the international sporting event a decade ago didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ possibility .
“ I am asking our citizens not to panic over this accumulation of @ @ @ @ @ Mayor Kennedy Stewart said in an emergency press conference .
“ We have people working @ @ @ @ @ what this stuff is , but it keeps melting into water whenever we take it @ @ @ @ @ invited the world to compete on surfaces of ice and snow has shut down its @ @ @ @ @ businesses due to ice and snow .
Early reports indicate that all of the city @ @ @ @ @ plows have all spun out in an attempt to clear the cold powdery substances from @ @ @ @ @ BMWs remain stuck in bike lanes , just like in the summer .

VANCOUVER – A Canadian city that hosted the 2010 Winter Olympics has yet again failed to anticipate snow.
The municipality that touted the city and area as a wintery paradise for the world to see with snow capped mountains, and used an Inuit cultural symbol for a logo for the international sporting event a decade ago didn’t see snow as a possibility.
“I am asking our citizens not to panic over this accumulation of frost rain,” said Mayor Kennedy Stewart said in an emergency press conference. “We have people working round the clock to identify what this stuff is, but it keeps melting into water whenever we take it inside.”
The city that invited the world to compete on surfaces of ice and snow has shut down its roads, schools, and businesses due to ice and snow.
Early reports indicate that all of the city’s luxury car snow plows have all spun out in an attempt to clear the cold powdery substances from roads and sidewalks.
Several BMWs remain stuck in bike lanes, just like in the summer.


thebeaverton--2020-01-17--RCMP close financial crimes unit after losing entire budget in air duct cleaning telemarketer scheme

TORONTO – The nation ’ s federal law enforcement agency has announced that they will soon be closing the headquarters of its Ontario financial crimes unit after accidentally losing its entire operating budget to a telephone air duct cleaning scam .
“ There ’ s no two ways about it .
We really goofed , ” said RCMP Commissioner Brenda Lucki .
“ All I can say is that the salesperson on the other end of the phone was really persuasive that we needed to clean out the air ducts of all our offices and had to forward them an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ You ’ re telling me you know if your ducts are clean or not ?
” Lucki then challenged reporters .
Though details remain hazy , internal reports suggest that a front-line RCMP switch-board operator received an unsolicited phone call from a heavily-accented man named “ Ted from Winnipeg ” who informed them of the hidden dangers of construction debris and carpet fibers lurking in their ductwork .
What began as an initial $ 350 initial assessment appointment was then quickly upsold to the department ’ s entire $ 68 million operating budget @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on us that the unit responsible for detecting and apprehending financial crime offenders were taken for a ride here , ” said Lucki , “ but I remain proud of our loyal officers who remember that the true RCMP motto isn ’ t “ We Always Get our Man ” but rather “ Clean Ducts , Clean Air , Clean Cops ” “ Ted was very clear that cat dander in an HVAC system is the number one killer in Canada so I think we still made the right call , ” she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ first time the RCMP has been left red-faced by scam artists .
Many will recall the notorious 2016 incident in which the agency wired over $ 79 million to an off-shore bank account after receiving a tape recorded phone message warning them that they were being investigated by the RCMP .
“ We are going to recoup our losses .
I promise you that ” stated Lucki .
“ As we speak , our top officers are signing up to sell Arbonne and Rodan and Fields products over social media , which I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Further comment from the agency could not be obtained as all senior personnel had just received word that they had won a free cruise from Westjet .

TORONTO – The nation’s federal law enforcement agency has announced that they will soon be closing the headquarters of its Ontario financial crimes unit after accidentally losing its entire operating budget to a telephone air duct cleaning scam.
“There’s no two ways about it. We really goofed,” said RCMP Commissioner Brenda Lucki. “All I can say is that the salesperson on the other end of the phone was really persuasive that we needed to clean out the air ducts of all our offices and had to forward them an initial $3 million deposit.”
“You’re telling me you know if your ducts are clean or not?” Lucki then challenged reporters.
Though details remain hazy, internal reports suggest that a front-line RCMP switch-board operator received an unsolicited phone call from a heavily-accented man named “Ted from Winnipeg” who informed them of the hidden dangers of construction debris and carpet fibers lurking in their ductwork. What began as an initial $350 initial assessment appointment was then quickly upsold to the department’s entire $68 million operating budget.
“The irony is not lost on us that the unit responsible for detecting and apprehending financial crime offenders were taken for a ride here,” said Lucki, “but I remain proud of our loyal officers who remember that the true RCMP motto isn’t “We Always Get our Man” but rather “Clean Ducts, Clean Air, Clean Cops”
“Ted was very clear that cat dander in an HVAC system is the number one killer in Canada so I think we still made the right call,” she continued.
This isn’t the first time the RCMP has been left red-faced by scam artists. Many will recall the notorious 2016 incident in which the agency wired over $79 million to an off-shore bank account after receiving a tape recorded phone message warning them that they were being investigated by the RCMP.
“We are going to recoup our losses. I promise you that” stated Lucki. “As we speak, our top officers are signing up to sell Arbonne and Rodan and Fields products over social media, which I understand to be a sure-fire money maker.”
Further comment from the agency could not be obtained as all senior personnel had just received word that they had won a free cruise from Westjet.


thebeaverton--2020-01-16--Bible on which U.S. senators swear impartiality for Trump’s impeachment trial bursts into flames

WASHINGTON , D.C. – The floor of the U.S. Senate had to be briefly evacuated today when the Christian Bible that was being used to swear in the hundred senators who will be jurors in the impeachment trial of President Donald Trump exploded into a mass of flaming debris .
“ You could feel that it was starting to get a little hot when the Democrats swore that they ’ d be able to treat the allegations against President Trump with impartiality , but when the Republicans began swearing they ’ d consider only the Constitution and the law , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Bible made it very difficult to breathe , ” said Bryce Langdon , now eyebrowless senate page .
“ Then Mitch McConnell reached his hand towards it and whomph , it went up like kindling.
” While the spontaneous combustion of Bibles and other holy books is a fairly common occurrence in all branches of the U.S. government , this one was specially made of a space-age , non-combustible material in an effort to ensure it would survive today ’ s impeachment swearing in .
“ The government has been using Bibles lined @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in to office .
But I ’ ve never seen a flame-retardant Bible go up like that .
I estimate that Bible reached almost 2000 degrees centigrade , a temperature that would melt titanium , ” said Dr. Henry Lee , a material scientist at Georgetown University .
“ This Bible should ’ ve been able to survive re-entry into Earth ’ s atmosphere with nothing more than a slight singe , but it just wasn ’ t robust enough to survive U.S. politics.
” Chief Supreme Court Justice John Roberts , who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , escaped the conflagration with minor burns and an overwhelming sense of emptiness at the core of his being .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The floor of the U.S. Senate had to be briefly evacuated today when the Christian Bible that was being used to swear in the hundred senators who will be jurors in the impeachment trial of President Donald Trump exploded into a mass of flaming debris.
“You could feel that it was starting to get a little hot when the Democrats swore that they’d be able to treat the allegations against President Trump with impartiality, but when the Republicans began swearing they’d consider only the Constitution and the law, the amount of smoke coming from the Bible made it very difficult to breathe,” said Bryce Langdon, now eyebrowless senate page.
“Then Mitch McConnell reached his hand towards it and whomph, it went up like kindling.”
While the spontaneous combustion of Bibles and other holy books is a fairly common occurrence in all branches of the U.S. government, this one was specially made of a space-age, non-combustible material in an effort to ensure it would survive today’s impeachment swearing in.
“The government has been using Bibles lined with asbestos since Andrew Jackson was sworn in to office. But I’ve never seen a flame-retardant Bible go up like that. I estimate that Bible reached almost 2000 degrees centigrade, a temperature that would melt titanium,” said Dr. Henry Lee, a material scientist at Georgetown University. “This Bible should’ve been able to survive re-entry into Earth’s atmosphere with nothing more than a slight singe, but it just wasn’t robust enough to survive U.S. politics.”
Chief Supreme Court Justice John Roberts, who’d been administering the swearing in, escaped the conflagration with minor burns and an overwhelming sense of emptiness at the core of his being.


thebeaverton--2020-01-16--5 TV shows you should watch before we all die

With global warming leaving most of the world on fire , the US trying to start World War III , and vapes giving us all popcorn lung , there is only one thing to take comfort in – it will all be over soon .
But before we ’ re all fried by a nuclear bomb and learn that the afterlife was a lie , there ’ s one last thing to do… 1 .
The Masked Singer This remake of a South Korean show has everybody on the edge of their seat , wondering which C grade celebrity is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you really want your last thought before being vaporized to be “ I wonder who Egg was ?
” Sure you do !
2 .
The Sopranos With its masterful performances and brilliant writing , The Sopranos is a must-watch .
Plus , as a roaming climate gang eats you and your family alive you can at least be grateful that your head wasn ’ t crush by a Ford Expedition .
Aa an added bonus , The Sopranos ’ ending where the screen suddenly cuts to black is a great metaphor for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
3 .
Freaks and Geeks Although creator Paul Feig would go on to direct Bridesmaids , The Heat and the only good Ghostbusters , many believe he never bested this heartfelt and hilarious TV series .
Also it ’ s only one season , and let ’ s face it , the end is coming pretty soon .
4 .
Fire Island This one season classic from Logo in 2017 isn ’ t really a show you have to see before we ’ re nuked by Trump slipping on the big red @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I want someone else to talk with about how Patrick is absolute trash as we all slip into oblivion .
5 .
Entourage This show is the worst , with its casual misogyny , shallow consumerism , and complete lack of artistic merit .
But you should still watch this show because , after it , you ’ ll be genuinely excited for humanity to be wiped off the face of the planet .
Enjoy !

With global warming leaving most of the world on fire, the US trying to start World War III, and vapes giving us all popcorn lung, there is only one thing to take comfort in – it will all be over soon. But before we’re all fried by a nuclear bomb and learn that the afterlife was a lie, there’s one last thing to do…
Enjoy humanity’s only good creation, television!
1. The Masked Singer
This remake of a South Korean show has everybody on the edge of their seat, wondering which C grade celebrity is in which D grade costume. Do you really want your last thought before being vaporized to be “I wonder who Egg was?” Sure you do!
2. The Sopranos
With its masterful performances and brilliant writing, The Sopranos is a must-watch. Plus, as a roaming climate gang eats you and your family alive you can at least be grateful that your head wasn’t crush by a Ford Expedition. Aa an added bonus, The Sopranos’ ending where the screen suddenly cuts to black is a great metaphor for what will soon happen to all humans.
3. Freaks and Geeks
Although creator Paul Feig would go on to direct Bridesmaids, The Heat and the only good Ghostbusters, many believe he never bested this heartfelt and hilarious TV series. Also it’s only one season, and let’s face it, the end is coming pretty soon.
4. Fire Island
This one season classic from Logo in 2017 isn’t really a show you have to see before we’re nuked by Trump slipping on the big red button. It’s just that I want someone else to talk with about how Patrick is absolute trash as we all slip into oblivion.
5. Entourage
This show is the worst, with its casual misogyny, shallow consumerism, and complete lack of artistic merit. But you should still watch this show because, after it, you’ll be genuinely excited for humanity to be wiped off the face of the planet. Enjoy!


thebeaverton--2020-01-16--Britain resumes tradition of sending outcasts to the colonies

LONDON – British Parliament has passed a law that will resume the practice of sending its criminals , debtors , society ’ s rejects , and Harry to the colonies by penal shipment or banishment .
The law , which was given Royal Assent by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II , coincides with the imminent arrival of Prince of Sussex to the Dominion of Canada where he will now reside .
Canadians expressed a mix of disappointment and resentment that the country will be used as a dumping ground for outcasts .
“ Couldn ’ t New Zealand take him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ opposed to the Prince ’ s relocation .
“ What about the Falklands Islands ?
Couldn ’ t he be some sort of useless viceroy position there instead ?
” Pickpockets , orphans , and members of the Royal Family unfortunate enough to be the second or third born in a primogeniture succession system will be cast out of Great Britain immediately without any recourse .
Costs of maintaining prisons , workhouses , and bodyguard protection of any rejected prince or princess will be covered by colonial administration and its subjects , reports @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Australia was refusing to accept Piers Morgan .

LONDON – British Parliament has passed a law that will resume the practice of sending its criminals, debtors, society’s rejects, and Harry to the colonies by penal shipment or banishment.
The law, which was given Royal Assent by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, coincides with the imminent arrival of Prince of Sussex to the Dominion of Canada where he will now reside.
Canadians expressed a mix of disappointment and resentment that the country will be used as a dumping ground for outcasts.
“Couldn’t New Zealand take him?” said a Vancouver Island resident opposed to the Prince’s relocation. “What about the Falklands Islands? Couldn’t he be some sort of useless viceroy position there instead?”
Pickpockets, orphans, and members of the Royal Family unfortunate enough to be the second or third born in a primogeniture succession system will be cast out of Great Britain immediately without any recourse.
Costs of maintaining prisons, workhouses, and bodyguard protection of any rejected prince or princess will be covered by colonial administration and its subjects, reports British Parliament.
At press time, Australia was refusing to accept Piers Morgan.


thebeaverton--2020-01-17--Local commuter fantasizes about world on other side of salt-caked bus window

WINNIPEG — While riding the number 12 William bus on her daily morning commute Jaynice Shermer , 37 , actively fantasized about the world hidden just outside the filthy bus window .
“ What wondrous sights could this grimy window be obscuring from my eyes , ” mused the paralegal as she sat cramped into a seat .
“ The glass is only 6 inches from my nose , but what resplendent downtown Winnipeg treasures lie on the other side ?
Could it be a snowbank ?
A Tim Hortons ?
A bigger snowbank ?
There ’ s no earthly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one child off to school and dropping the other at daycare , Shermer climbed aboard the same Winnipeg Transit bus she rides everyday , whose windows have been completely obscured by snow and road salt for weeks .
“ It ’ s like riding on a submersible , or some kind of fantastical rocket ship , having absolutely no clue about our immediate environment , ” she added , while shifting in her seat to avoid a spilled liquid she hoped was coffee .
Shermer then pivoted to speculating whether the weather had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ commute .
“ Sure , it was -27 degrees when I got on the bus ( -33 with the windchill ) , ” Shermer enthused , “ but who knows how things have changed while I ’ ve been riding blind inside here .
It could be positively tropical !
How exciting !
” She then paused to crane her neck and grab a fleeting glimpse of the outside world while the bus stopped to pick up more passengers .
As our imaginative heroine visualized a fantastical world outside the fully-obscured bus windows @ @ @ @ @ @ @ flights of fancy .
“ Who knows if we ’ re even driving in the correct direction anymore , ” exclaimed barista Travor Maercks , 27 .
“ For all we know , the bus has been hijacked , and we ’ re driving in the opposite direction towards a wild and exotic adventure .
We literally have no way of seeing outside and knowing.
” Several commuters independently fantasized about the number 12 bus taking off into the sky , via some kind of “ Magic School Bus scenario ” .
Other @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that had not been changed in over a year , imagining themselves in the lives of the smiling lottery winners .
Still , several more committed themselves to actively imagining an outside flight of fancy in order to distract themselves from the passenger at the back of the bus clipping his toenails .
In a related story , commuters on the 12 bus travelling in the opposite direction were similarly staring at their own covered windows , imagining what mysteries were being concealed from their view .

WINNIPEG — While riding the number 12 William bus on her daily morning commute Jaynice Shermer, 37, actively fantasized about the world hidden just outside the filthy bus window.
“What wondrous sights could this grimy window be obscuring from my eyes,” mused the paralegal as she sat cramped into a seat. “The glass is only 6 inches from my nose, but what resplendent downtown Winnipeg treasures lie on the other side? Could it be a snowbank? A Tim Hortons? A bigger snowbank? There’s no earthly way to tell!”
After getting one child off to school and dropping the other at daycare, Shermer climbed aboard the same Winnipeg Transit bus she rides everyday, whose windows have been completely obscured by snow and road salt for weeks. “It’s like riding on a submersible, or some kind of fantastical rocket ship, having absolutely no clue about our immediate environment,” she added, while shifting in her seat to avoid a spilled liquid she hoped was coffee.
Shermer then pivoted to speculating whether the weather had radically changed during the course of her commute. “Sure, it was -27 degrees when I got on the bus (-33 with the windchill),” Shermer enthused, “but who knows how things have changed while I’ve been riding blind inside here. It could be positively tropical! How exciting!”
She then paused to crane her neck and grab a fleeting glimpse of the outside world while the bus stopped to pick up more passengers.
As our imaginative heroine visualized a fantastical world outside the fully-obscured bus windows, other commuters reported engaging in similar flights of fancy. “Who knows if we’re even driving in the correct direction anymore,” exclaimed barista Travor Maercks, 27. “For all we know, the bus has been hijacked, and we’re driving in the opposite direction towards a wild and exotic adventure. We literally have no way of seeing outside and knowing.”
Several commuters independently fantasized about the number 12 bus taking off into the sky, via some kind of “Magic School Bus scenario”. Other passengers gazed upon the Lotto 649 ad that had not been changed in over a year, imagining themselves in the lives of the smiling lottery winners. Still, several more committed themselves to actively imagining an outside flight of fancy in order to distract themselves from the passenger at the back of the bus clipping his toenails.
In a related story, commuters on the 12 bus travelling in the opposite direction were similarly staring at their own covered windows, imagining what mysteries were being concealed from their view.


thebeaverton--2020-01-17--Kenney: Middle East just 4 more bloody wars away from making Alberta’s oil profitable again

EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney says that Alberta ’ s oil and gas industry will be back on its feet after four bloody and prolonged conflicts in the Middle East .
With the price of crude still under $ 70 per barrel , Kenney remains hopeful that millions of people will live in suffering and agony while it disrupts the global supply of crude on a few more occasions like Iran ’ s 1979 Revolution or the 2003 invasion of Iraq .
“ People throughout the region resistant to war should really consider the hardworking oil and gas workers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on , ” said the Premier .
“ I am confident that the US , Iran , Saudi Arabia , and others will find a lasting path to war.
” The UCP leader believes the region hasn ’ t yet reached peak human-misery .
“ Just a few more millions of deaths and we ’ ll be back to selling ethical oil at $ 120 per barrel in no time , ” added Kenney .
Kenney is also hopeful that a large pandemic will knock out the US domestic production of oil , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like Texas and Alaska to give Kenney ’ s province “ The Alberta Advantage.
” Meanwhile , in a touching ceremony that expressed hope , members from the Canadian Energy Centre released a pair of hawks .

EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney says that Alberta’s oil and gas industry will be back on its feet after four bloody and prolonged conflicts in the Middle East.
With the price of crude still under $70 per barrel, Kenney remains hopeful that millions of people will live in suffering and agony while it disrupts the global supply of crude on a few more occasions like Iran’s 1979 Revolution or the 2003 invasion of Iraq.
“People throughout the region resistant to war should really consider the hardworking oil and gas workers of this province who keep the lights on,” said the Premier. “I am confident that the US, Iran, Saudi Arabia, and others will find a lasting path to war.”
The UCP leader believes the region hasn’t yet reached peak human-misery.
“Just a few more millions of deaths and we’ll be back to selling ethical oil at $120 per barrel in no time,” added Kenney.
Kenney is also hopeful that a large pandemic will knock out the US domestic production of oil, especially in the largest oil producing states like Texas and Alaska to give Kenney’s province “The Alberta Advantage.”
Meanwhile, in a touching ceremony that expressed hope, members from the Canadian Energy Centre released a pair of hawks.


thebeaverton--2020-01-18--Hundred Acre Wood unrecognizable after years of unregulated resource extraction

HUNDRED ACRE WOOD – The world was stunned today by images that reveal that the imaginary land which Winnie-the-Pooh ( and Tigger too ) call home has been ravaged by logging and fracking companies .
“ Since it ’ s not an actual place , these industries are able to exploit the resources of the Hundred Acre Wood without adhering to even the basic regulations they ’ d be subject to anywhere else , ” said local environmental activist Diana Westing .
“ So there was no consultation , no remediation plans , no effort to ensure the safety of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s been an orgy of destruction.
” “ Even the honey industry has a large presence there now , which has led to the starvation of the local bear population .
And starving bears… they get mean.
” The Hundred Acre Wood , which exists in the imagination of a small British boy named Christopher Robin , contains millions of dollars worth of valuable , old-growth hardwood and a surprisingly large amount of natural gas , likely a result of the decomposition of prehistoric Heffalump herds which roamed the wood millions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has been completely destroyed , ” said Kanga , a single mother who fled the Hundred Acre Wood with her son when the tree that they were living in was cut down .
“ We were all shocked at how quickly our home became a wasteland when the corporations moved in… except Eeyore .
I think he always knew something like this would happen eventually , that ’ s why he was so depressed.
” The Canadian government is currently looking into reports that Canadian mining companies were responsible for the murders and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Wood ’ s inhabitants when they tried to stop a lucrative rare-earth strip mine from being located in A Nice Place For Picnics .

HUNDRED ACRE WOOD – The world was stunned today by images that reveal that the imaginary land which Winnie-the-Pooh (and Tigger too) call home has been ravaged by logging and fracking companies.
“Since it’s not an actual place, these industries are able to exploit the resources of the Hundred Acre Wood without adhering to even the basic regulations they’d be subject to anywhere else,” said local environmental activist Diana Westing. “So there was no consultation, no remediation plans, no effort to ensure the safety of the locals during the extraction process. It’s been an orgy of destruction.”
“Even the honey industry has a large presence there now, which has led to the starvation of the local bear population. And starving bears… they get mean.”
The Hundred Acre Wood, which exists in the imagination of a small British boy named Christopher Robin, contains millions of dollars worth of valuable, old-growth hardwood and a surprisingly large amount of natural gas, likely a result of the decomposition of prehistoric Heffalump herds which roamed the wood millions of years ago.
“The ecosystem has been completely destroyed,” said Kanga, a single mother who fled the Hundred Acre Wood with her son when the tree that they were living in was cut down. “We were all shocked at how quickly our home became a wasteland when the corporations moved in… except Eeyore. I think he always knew something like this would happen eventually, that’s why he was so depressed.”
The Canadian government is currently looking into reports that Canadian mining companies were responsible for the murders and disappearances of several of the Hundred Acre Wood’s inhabitants when they tried to stop a lucrative rare-earth strip mine from being located in A Nice Place For Picnics.


thebeaverton--2020-01-18--Rex Murphy parachuted into Australian wildfires to deny climate change

SYDNEY – Postmedia columnist and professional old man Rex Murphy has been parachuted into Australia ’ s massive forest where support for denying climate change and doing nothing about it has been waning .
“ It was cold once in Canada , and yet we have a carbon tax , ” said Murphy who didn ’ t stop talking for the entire 23 hour flight from Canada to Australia .
“ And the government is placing a levy on all Canadians for being cold .
Thanks , Justin .
Thanks , Greta.
” Murphy hopes to use his powers of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ extinguish the flames by persuading everyone that the fires don ’ t exist .
“ Australians want a warmer climate – beach balls and fried kangaroos .
Who doesn ’ t want that ?
” lectured Murphy as he was pushed out of a C-130 above the towering flames .
Upon landing , Murphy flaunted his credentials as a climate change scientist with his MA in English and his time spent listening to other call-in experts on CBC ’ s Cross Country Checkup .
“ Destroyed homes and extinct species is a whole @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of snow , ” said Murphy to a group of wildfire refugees clenching their fists .
At press time , the prolific opinion-maker was busy preparing another column denying science the next time it gets cold .

SYDNEY – Postmedia columnist and professional old man Rex Murphy has been parachuted into Australia’s massive forest where support for denying climate change and doing nothing about it has been waning.
“It was cold once in Canada, and yet we have a carbon tax,” said Murphy who didn’t stop talking for the entire 23 hour flight from Canada to Australia. “And the government is placing a levy on all Canadians for being cold. Thanks, Justin. Thanks, Greta.”
Murphy hopes to use his powers of sarcasm and early 20th-century English vocabulary to extinguish the flames by persuading everyone that the fires don’t exist.
“Australians want a warmer climate – beach balls and fried kangaroos. Who doesn’t want that?” lectured Murphy as he was pushed out of a C-130 above the towering flames.
Upon landing, Murphy flaunted his credentials as a climate change scientist with his MA in English and his time spent listening to other call-in experts on CBC’s Cross Country Checkup.
“Destroyed homes and extinct species is a whole lot better than slippery streets and mountains of snow,” said Murphy to a group of wildfire refugees clenching their fists.
At press time, the prolific opinion-maker was busy preparing another column denying science the next time it gets cold.


thebeaverton--2020-01-18--St. John’s residents give up shovelling, build a new city on top of the old one

ST JOHN ’ S – Early reports indicate that residents of St. John ’ s , Newfoundland have given up removing snow from roads , sidewalks , and roofs , and have started building a new provincial capital .
All 114,000 residents said “ fuck this ” when confronted with 10 foot snow mounds and immediately started constructing new homes , businesses , and governments on the snow-covered foundation on what was a city .
“ We must rebuild , ” announced St. John ’ s Mayor Danny Breen from his snow cave .
“ My back is already sore @ @ @ @ @ @ @ keep shovelling.
” Stalwart citizens have already constructed and painted a snow fort version of Jellybean Row , which has already attracted dozens of tourists .
“ This much easier than suffering a heart attack while plowing all of this white shit off of my driveway , ” said an exhausted Michael Murphy who gave up after the first attempt .
“ I ’ ll get to work on designing the new ice sewage system.
” According to sources , stubborn Newfoundlanders refused to accept the army ’ s help to dig out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ being Toronto .
”

ST JOHN’S – Early reports indicate that residents of St. John’s, Newfoundland have given up removing snow from roads, sidewalks, and roofs, and have started building a new provincial capital.
All 114,000 residents said “fuck this” when confronted with 10 foot snow mounds and immediately started constructing new homes, businesses, and governments on the snow-covered foundation on what was a city.
“We must rebuild,” announced St. John’s Mayor Danny Breen from his snow cave. “ My back is already sore and I don’t want to keep shovelling.”
Stalwart citizens have already constructed and painted a snow fort version of Jellybean Row, which has already attracted dozens of tourists.
“This much easier than suffering a heart attack while plowing all of this white shit off of my driveway,” said an exhausted Michael Murphy who gave up after the first attempt. “I’ll get to work on designing the new ice sewage system.”
According to sources, stubborn Newfoundlanders refused to accept the army’s help to dig out since they take pride in “not being Toronto.”


thebeaverton--2020-01-20--Nation’s boyfriends begrudgingly moved by Little Women

TORONTO – Several weeks after Greta Gerwig ’ s 2019 adaptation of Little Women was released , thousands of boyfriends nation-wide confessed to being moved emotionally and spiritually by the film after being reluctantly dragged to see it be their partners .
“ I went with him to Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and The Irishman , and even though I fell asleep during 1917 , it still counts as having seen it , ” whispered Hanna Ferrier in a scantily-filled movie theatre .
“ And don ’ t even get me started on Joker… He owed me one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ several men entered the film making the same joke about needing a sequel entitled some variation of “ Big Men , ” like “ Large Guys ” or “ Colossal Males , ” to their weary romantic companions .
“ I can ’ t believe Hermione ’ s dad is Better Call Saul !
!
!
” exclaimed Steve Budreski while prodding his girlfriend .
“ You didn ’ t tell me that he was gon na be in it .
I would ’ ve agreed to come sooner if you did !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Seely disclosed that although he didn ’ t “ cry cry , like when John Wick ’ s dog died , ” he “ didn ’ t understand why Beth had to pass away.
” He blubbered , “ She was the best of them , just a really nice girl- Oh God here I go again.
” “ Wow , I guess women do be needing to make their way in the world , huh , ” signed Sachin de Silva .
Later , he was seen speaking to his partner tersely @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she did not have to choose between love and ambition , because she could have both .
Despite the many glowing reviews issued hesitantly by countless boyfriends , many remained steadfast in their belief that they did not understand Timothée Chalamet ’ s “ whole deal .
”

TORONTO – Several weeks after Greta Gerwig’s 2019 adaptation of Little Women was released, thousands of boyfriends nation-wide confessed to being moved emotionally and spiritually by the film after being reluctantly dragged to see it be their partners.
“I went with him to Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and The Irishman, and even though I fell asleep during 1917, it still counts as having seen it,” whispered Hanna Ferrier in a scantily-filled movie theatre. “And don’t even get me started on Joker… He owed me one!”
Sources in attendance reported that several men entered the film making the same joke about needing a sequel entitled some variation of “Big Men,” like “Large Guys” or “Colossal Males,” to their weary romantic companions.
“I can’t believe Hermione’s dad is Better Call Saul!!!” exclaimed Steve Budreski while prodding his girlfriend. “You didn’t tell me that he was gonna be in it. I would’ve agreed to come sooner if you did!”
Post screening, a choked-up Samuel Seely disclosed that although he didn’t “cry cry, like when John Wick’s dog died,” he “didn’t understand why Beth had to pass away.” He blubbered, “She was the best of them, just a really nice girl- Oh God here I go again.”
“Wow, I guess women do be needing to make their way in the world, huh,” signed Sachin de Silva. Later, he was seen speaking to his partner tersely in the parking lot assuring her that she did not have to choose between love and ambition, because she could have both.
Despite the many glowing reviews issued hesitantly by countless boyfriends, many remained steadfast in their belief that they did not understand Timothée Chalamet’s “whole deal.”


thebeaverton--2020-01-20--Conservatives shorten leadership race by having dairy lobby just tell them next leader

TORONTO – In an effort to avoid another costly leadership race the Conservative party has decided to forego the traditional secret ranked ballot process and just have the dairy lobby tell them who Andrew Scheer ’ s replacement will be .
“ We hope by streamlining the process we can show Canadians that we are a sensible , practical party that is ready to lead , ” said Conservative Party of Canada President Scott Lamb .
“ Lead them wherever a bunch of milk companies tell us to.
” The method by which the dairy industry will choose the next @ @ @ @ @ @ @ believe believe the process requires a little pomp and circumstance , like having all the candidates line up in front of the Dairy Lobby ’ s favourite cow .
Whichever one she is looking at when she produces the most milk wins .
“ Originally we thought we could have all the candidates milk her themselves , but then we realized that someone would be drinking a liquid that came into close contact with Pierre Poilievre and we nixed that idea , ” said Milk Lobby representative Benjamin Hastings .
Others , like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whole thing should be done with a simple email from the lobby with subject line ‘ FYI ’ .
“ I know conservatives like nothing more than a long drawn out debates , where potential leaders explain how they would best fuck over the poor .
But we just don ’ t have the resources for that – we have to really focus on our role as a completely powerless opposition.
” In unrelated news , all conservative leadership candidates have come forward to say that they would not deregulate the dairy industry @

TORONTO – In an effort to avoid another costly leadership race the Conservative party has decided to forego the traditional secret ranked ballot process and just have the dairy lobby tell them who Andrew Scheer’s replacement will be.
“We hope by streamlining the process we can show Canadians that we are a sensible, practical party that is ready to lead,” said Conservative Party of Canada President Scott Lamb. “Lead them wherever a bunch of milk companies tell us to.”
The method by which the dairy industry will choose the next leader has not been finalized. Some believe believe the process requires a little pomp and circumstance, like having all the candidates line up in front of the Dairy Lobby’s favourite cow. Whichever one she is looking at when she produces the most milk wins.
“Originally we thought we could have all the candidates milk her themselves, but then we realized that someone would be drinking a liquid that came into close contact with Pierre Poilievre and we nixed that idea,” said Milk Lobby representative Benjamin Hastings.
Others, like current disgraced leader Andrew Scheer think the whole thing should be done with a simple email from the lobby with subject line ‘FYI’.
“I know conservatives like nothing more than a long drawn out debates, where potential leaders explain how they would best fuck over the poor. But we just don’t have the resources for that – we have to really focus on our role as a completely powerless opposition.”
In unrelated news, all conservative leadership candidates have come forward to say that they would not deregulate the dairy industry.


thebeaverton--2020-01-20--Trump starts trade war with Australia just to feel something

WASHINGTON D.C. -— President Donald Trump has reportedly initiated a trade war with Australia “ Just so I can finally know I am truly alive.
” Trump personally made the announcement of tariffs on Australian exports like “ koalas and bloomin ’ onions ” , which aides later expanded to include the country ’ s actual top exports of iron ore and natural gas .
President Trump reportedly chose to single out Australia just days after wildfires ravaged the country ’ s Outback , in an addition effort to “ just feel any emotion for once – anger , joy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ silent as to whether the president ultimately experienced any of those human feelings .
The President , who so far in his term has instituted brutal immigration policies , removed crucial military aid from allies , and been officially impeached in the House , “ only wish [ es ] some of it would really get through to me , you know ?
” “ Maybe this will finally get those guys to respect me , President Trump told aids before calling for a 20 % tariff on “ anything they make in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump then reportedly spent 10 minutes staring in a mirror , wondering if he ’ d ever truly , truly known what it meant to be happy .
“ I look out at all these people on TV calling me ‘ dangerous ’ , ‘ traitor ’ , ‘ the worst President ever ’ , and the scariest thing is it doesn ’ t even register with me anymore .
Then I get into a funk so bad I don ’ t think even nominating Rudy [ Giuliani ] to the Supreme Court @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Its…it ’ s like that song , Desperado , ” he told his Acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney as he stared out the Rose Garden window .
“ I ’ m losin ’ all my highs and lows .
I ’ ve been wandering through this big , beautiful house at night , thinking , I ’ ve got a good job , a beautiful wife , kids , and yet I don ’ t think I know how to appreciate the little things.
” “ You ’ ll get there , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the guy who insulted John McCain right before his funeral ?
Is this the guy who actively helped a foreign leader cover up the brutal murder of a journalist ?
Huh , big guy ?
” After this , the President reportedly cracked the tiniest of smiles .
“ It ’ s the little victories like that that keep you going , ” Mulvaney told reporters later .
As the gray , January Washington day drew to a close , Trump is said to have found himself standing in his walk-in closet , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , wondering if it would even matter to him if Angela Merkel walked in and set them all on aflame before his eyes , right then .
“ I don ’ t even taste it anymore , ” he reportedly told the White House chef after handing him back a barely-touched bucket of KFC .
“ I think I ’ m just going to watch Stephen [ Miller ] photoshop Hillary Clinton ’ s face onto Khalid Sheik Mohammad ’ s body and go to bed.
” At press time , Australian economists @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s supply of Hemsworths .

WASHINGTON D.C. -— President Donald Trump has reportedly initiated a trade war with Australia “Just so I can finally know I am truly alive.”
Trump personally made the announcement of tariffs on Australian exports like “koalas and bloomin’ onions”, which aides later expanded to include the country’s actual top exports of iron ore and natural gas. President Trump reportedly chose to single out Australia just days after wildfires ravaged the country’s Outback, in an addition effort to “just feel any emotion for once – anger, joy, shame?”
Aides have been silent as to whether the president ultimately experienced any of those human feelings.
The President, who so far in his term has instituted brutal immigration policies, removed crucial military aid from allies, and been officially impeached in the House, “only wish[es] some of it would really get through to me, you know?”
“Maybe this will finally get those guys to respect me, President Trump told aids before calling for a 20% tariff on “anything they make in Australia except for Outback Steakhouse Sauce.” Trump then reportedly spent 10 minutes staring in a mirror, wondering if he’d ever truly, truly known what it meant to be happy.
“I look out at all these people on TV calling me ‘dangerous’, ‘traitor’, ‘the worst President ever’, and the scariest thing is it doesn’t even register with me anymore. Then I get into a funk so bad I don’t think even nominating Rudy [Giuliani] to the Supreme Court would make me feel better.”
“Its…it’s like that song, Desperado,” he told his Acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney as he stared out the Rose Garden window. “I’m losin’ all my highs and lows. I’ve been wandering through this big, beautiful house at night, thinking, I’ve got a good job, a beautiful wife, kids, and yet I don’t think I know how to appreciate the little things.”
“You’ll get there,” Mulvaney stated. “Is this the guy who insulted John McCain right before his funeral? Is this the guy who actively helped a foreign leader cover up the brutal murder of a journalist? Huh, big guy?”
After this, the President reportedly cracked the tiniest of smiles. “It’s the little victories like that that keep you going,” Mulvaney told reporters later.
As the gray, January Washington day drew to a close, Trump is said to have found himself standing in his walk-in closet, looking at enormous suit after enormous suit, wondering if it would even matter to him if Angela Merkel walked in and set them all on aflame before his eyes, right then.
“I don’t even taste it anymore,” he reportedly told the White House chef after handing him back a barely-touched bucket of KFC. “I think I’m just going to watch Stephen [Miller] photoshop Hillary Clinton’s face onto Khalid Sheik Mohammad’s body and go to bed.”
At press time, Australian economists are increasingly concerned about their nation’s supply of Hemsworths.


thebeaverton--2020-01-20--Military’s procurement of generic snow shovel 10 years late, $6 billion over budget

OTTAWA – The Department of National Defence ’ s procurement process to replace its aging snow shovels has been further @ @ @ @ @ inflated to over $ 6 billion .
The military has been using Lockheed Martin ’ @ @ @ @ @ for over 40 years which features a retro polypropylene blade and wooden shafts .
“ @ @ @ @ @ evolving , ” said a defence lobbyist from Raytheon , which is one of the @ @ @ @ @ a bid .
“ The Canadian Armed Forces can ’ t fall behind in shovelling @ @ @ @ @ needs to keep up with the US and its NATO allies.
” The delays and @ @ @ @ @ on a lack of interoperability with allies during coalition-related snowstorm deployments , bidders suing the @ @ @ @ @ , and flawed blade designs that cracked in -2 C weather .
In related news @ @ @ @ @ to purchase General Dynamics ’ stealth sandbag at $ 2 million a piece .

OTTAWA – The Department of National Defence’s procurement process to replace its aging snow shovels has been further delayed while the cost has inflated to over $6 billion.
The military has been using Lockheed Martin’s tactical snow removal devices for over 40 years which features a retro polypropylene blade and wooden shafts.
“Snow removal technology is constantly evolving,” said a defence lobbyist from Raytheon, which is one of the defence companies who have placed a bid. “The Canadian Armed Forces can’t fall behind in shovelling technology to the Russians and needs to keep up with the US and its NATO allies.”
The delays and cost increases have been blamed on a lack of interoperability with allies during coalition-related snowstorm deployments, bidders suing the government for unfair procurement processes, and flawed blade designs that cracked in -2 C weather.
In related news, the military finally agreed to purchase General Dynamics’ stealth sandbag at $2 million a piece.