thebeaverton--2020-08-07--Man sure for the sixth time this summer that his hangover is COVID

London , ON – Awaking with a throbbing headache , parched lips , nausea , a general desire for a swift demise and all the other tell-tale signs of a hangover , Jack Bennington was seized by a familiar thought ; “ Oh no .
This is COVID for sure.
” Bennington admitted that he has awoken five times already this summer in a panic , convinced that he had been stricken with COVID-19 overnight only to—after an infusion of Gatorade and weed gummies—realize that he was simply suffering from a hangover .
“ You ’ d be surprised about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” Bennington said , “ Headache ?
Check .
Sore throat ?
Considering I spent the entire night scream-singing Loverboy , you better believe it .
Tiredness ?
Check .
Fingers and toes turning blue ?
Happens every time I drink tequila .
My hangovers would also kill anyone over 65.
” “ This time is different though , ” said the pinball machine repairman from a prone position on his bathroom floor while clinging to the grimy porcelain of his toilet like a shattered door frame in the aftermath of shipwreck @ @ @ @ @ @ @ definitely COVID , I ’ ve never been more sure of anything in my life.
” When asked why he was so sure , Bennington responded , “ When it ’ s your time , you just know .
We partied too hard last night , and that ’ s how you get it : partying too hard .
Plus , I got a stuffy nose and my lungs are sore .
Now that could be from the smokes and just the tiniest little bit of coke , but , also , maybe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ informed that it takes at least 4-5 to days for symptoms to appear to which he replied that the virus must have mutated , and he was the first case .
He then begged for his blinds to be closed because the light was hurting his head .
“ Classic COVID , ” he muttered before rushing to the bathroom to dry heave .

London, ON – Awaking with a throbbing headache, parched lips, nausea, a general desire for a swift demise and all the other tell-tale signs of a hangover, Jack Bennington was seized by a familiar thought; “Oh no. This is COVID for sure.”
Bennington admitted that he has awoken five times already this summer in a panic, convinced that he had been stricken with COVID-19 overnight only to—after an infusion of Gatorade and weed gummies—realize that he was simply suffering from a hangover.
“You’d be surprised about how many of the symptoms line up,” Bennington said, “Headache? Check. Sore throat? Considering I spent the entire night scream-singing Loverboy, you better believe it. Tiredness? Check. Fingers and toes turning blue? Happens every time I drink tequila. My hangovers would also kill anyone over 65.”
“This time is different though,” said the pinball machine repairman from a prone position on his bathroom floor while clinging to the grimy porcelain of his toilet like a shattered door frame in the aftermath of shipwreck. “This time it’s definitely COVID, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”
When asked why he was so sure, Bennington responded, “When it’s your time, you just know. We partied too hard last night, and that’s how you get it: partying too hard. Plus, I got a stuffy nose and my lungs are sore. Now that could be from the smokes and just the tiniest little bit of coke, but, also, maybe not right?”
Bennington was then informed that it takes at least 4-5 to days for symptoms to appear to which he replied that the virus must have mutated, and he was the first case. He then begged for his blinds to be closed because the light was hurting his head. “Classic COVID,” he muttered before rushing to the bathroom to dry heave.


thebeaverton--2020-08-08--Quebec completes construction of 90-foot-tall Bonhomme the Redeemer statue

QUEBEC CITY – Contractors working for the province have officially confirmed substantial completion on the landmark , 38 metre tall statue of Bonhomme Carnaval , overlooking all of Quebec City .
The statue depicts the vapid , dead-eyed snowman ambassador of the Quebec Winter Carnival with his arms outstretched in a symbolically crucified gesture , as though simultaneously embracing and haunting all citizens of the province .
Towering over the province atop the Laurentians , the statue is expected to draw visitors from all over the world to bask in its sheer unnecessariness .
“ We are pleased that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ icon Quebec has to offer , ” said Jacques Montclair , lead engineer on the project , “ We could not think of anyone more revered in this province than this red-toqued snow golem.
” The Bonhomme design initially won out over other well-known French-Canadian personae for the statue , including Celine Dion , Caillou , and a man dressed as a gorilla to play pranks on people on the street .
The 90-foot-tall statue will serve as winter carnival mascot , and will require being rebuilt every year after melting .
Ultimately @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Bonhomme perfectly captured Quebec ’ s bizarrely simultaneous hyper-Catholicism and hyper-secularist mentalities .
“ I do not think it would be a stretch to say that I , like most Quebecois , would readily die for Bonhomme in an instant , ” said Cardinal Gerard Lacroix , archbishop of Quebec , “ I struggle to think of anyone who makes me feel so loved and so fearful of the prospect of the infinite unknown which comes after this world than He.
” “ Oh yeah , except maybe Jesus , I guess @ @ @ @ @ @ @ very close race , ” he continued .
Indeed , many historians point to striking similarities between Bonhomme and Jesus , including their leadership of large throngs of worshippers , their love of snow , and their ultimate murder at the hands of Roman Legionnaires .
Religious pilgrims have already begun booking trips to visit the statue , with rumours circulating that simply touching the foot of the figure can immediately cure Seasonal Affective Disorder among the afflicted .
The Winter Carnival is also expected to begin incorporating more overtly religious elements into @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re-creation of the 14 stations of the ice-cross .
These depict The Passion of the Bonhomme , where the utterly ghastly ice creature was condemned to death for Quebeccers ’ sins .
“ We expect tourism revenues in at least the hundreds of millions of dollars , ” explained Montclair .
“ Surely Bonhomme-loving people will come from the four corners of the world , like Trois Rivieres and Hull.
” At least 480 workers tragically lost their lives during the construction process .
The Province thanks them for their noble sacrifice .

QUEBEC CITY – Contractors working for the province have officially confirmed substantial completion on the landmark, 38 metre tall statue of Bonhomme Carnaval, overlooking all of Quebec City.
The statue depicts the vapid, dead-eyed snowman ambassador of the Quebec Winter Carnival with his arms outstretched in a symbolically crucified gesture, as though simultaneously embracing and haunting all citizens of the province. Towering over the province atop the Laurentians, the statue is expected to draw visitors from all over the world to bask in its sheer unnecessariness.
“We are pleased that the world will soon see the most important icon Quebec has to offer,” said Jacques Montclair, lead engineer on the project, “We could not think of anyone more revered in this province than this red-toqued snow golem.”
The Bonhomme design initially won out over other well-known French-Canadian personae for the statue, including Celine Dion, Caillou, and a man dressed as a gorilla to play pranks on people on the street. The 90-foot-tall statue will serve as winter carnival mascot, and will require being rebuilt every year after melting. Ultimately, it was felt that this depiction of Bonhomme perfectly captured Quebec’s bizarrely simultaneous hyper-Catholicism and hyper-secularist mentalities.
“I do not think it would be a stretch to say that I, like most Quebecois, would readily die for Bonhomme in an instant,” said Cardinal Gerard Lacroix, archbishop of Quebec, “I struggle to think of anyone who makes me feel so loved and so fearful of the prospect of the infinite unknown which comes after this world than He.”
“Oh yeah, except maybe Jesus, I guess. Still, it’s a very close race,” he continued.
Indeed, many historians point to striking similarities between Bonhomme and Jesus, including their leadership of large throngs of worshippers, their love of snow, and their ultimate murder at the hands of Roman Legionnaires. Religious pilgrims have already begun booking trips to visit the statue, with rumours circulating that simply touching the foot of the figure can immediately cure Seasonal Affective Disorder among the afflicted.
The Winter Carnival is also expected to begin incorporating more overtly religious elements into its annual celebration, such as a re-creation of the 14 stations of the ice-cross. These depict The Passion of the Bonhomme, where the utterly ghastly ice creature was condemned to death for Quebeccers’ sins.
“We expect tourism revenues in at least the hundreds of millions of dollars,” explained Montclair. “Surely Bonhomme-loving people will come from the four corners of the world, like Trois Rivieres and Hull.”
At least 480 workers tragically lost their lives during the construction process. The Province thanks them for their noble sacrifice.


thebeaverton--2020-08-10--Where are they now? We sat down with Don Cherry and immediately regretted it

In November 2019 , beloved hockey commentator Don Cherry was fired from Hockey Night In Canada , after he made comments claiming immigrants were disrespecting fallen Canadian veterans by not purchasing a poppy for Remembrance Day .
Nine months after that landmark decision , we caught up with Don and holy shit folks why did we ever think this was a good idea .
It was a bit naïve to assume Mr. Cherry ’ s views had softened with everything going on right now .
Soon after sitting down with the former national icon , our hubris had slapshot us @ @ @ @ @ @ @ now wearing a poppy-patterned three-piece suit that looks as if it hasn ’ t been changed in over half a year , chatted with us about life after Hockey Night In Canada , his new podcast , and his belligerent politics… while our poor interviewer was wallowing in crippling remorse .
Interviewer : Don Cherry , thank you for sitting with u- DC : Are you the one from that pinko rag The Beaverton ?
DC : Well you tell those cuckaloos that it ’ s about damn time they came to see @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sitting around with my thumb up my ass like you commie fucks .
I : Whoa man what the he- DC : See that ’ s one of the benefits about my new podcast format .
I don ’ t have the left-wing PC police bearing down on me telling me mind my language .
My new social feeds have been doing great .
I : Okay let ’ s um… alright that ’ s good I guess uhhh .
How is the new podcast goi- DC : Fantastic .
I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve been getting .
Look at these comments : Tanya_1984 says “ Sportsnet doesn ’ t know what they ’ re missing , ” LeafzzHNIC says “ Can ’ t tell the difference !
Who needs Ron Maclean !
” StormfrontHH says “ Love to see the man work , ” I assume HH stands for Hello Hockey , of course .
Sounds like a good Canadian boy .
I : So… ah jeez… I see that your latest podcast numbers on YouTube show views around five hundr- DC : Look , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ format alright , without my suits on screen , why else would anyone pay attention ?
You got ta work with the tools you ’ re given .
See Rocket Richard , that was a good lad who built up his skills from the bottom up , and that ’ s what you ’ re seeing here .
Cold , hard , drive and rugged Canadian spirit .
I : So um… ugh… at this point I legally have to ask but what else have you been up to since Hockey Night I– @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nothing .
Just like I don ’ t regret supporting the Iraq invasion .
I don ’ t regret calling people troublemakers for walking by the G20 protests and being brutalized and thrown in jail without charges , I don ’ t regret denying climate change , and look if you think I ’ m gon na get down on my knees and- will you stop sighing for crying out loud .
I : Oh yeah no , it ’ s just… I kinda forgot you did all that before uhhh… planning this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , right ?
Look here .
I ’ m doing fine , you come in here , you check on the famous Don Cherry , and you expect , what ?
Some sort of praise ?
Am I a national treasure ?
Now I wouldn ’ t go that far .
But when you come in here expecting an interview , I ’ m giving you an interview .
I ’ m a mucker .
I survive .
Now those pansy liberals out there , crying about- I : Uhhh can I use @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , my producer , he ’ s a good lad , he ’ s been giving me these figures right ?
Rebel Media .
Now I know you ’ re biased , you ’ re a lefty , you can ’ t help it .
But if you take a- DC : -look .
It ’ s all huey !
Black Lives Matter ?
How about All- At this point our interviewer began packing up as Don Cherry reportedly continued on an unprovoked tirade against taking down Sir John A. Macdonald monuments .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ that again .

In November 2019, beloved hockey commentator Don Cherry was fired from Hockey Night In Canada, after he made comments claiming immigrants were disrespecting fallen Canadian veterans by not purchasing a poppy for Remembrance Day. Nine months after that landmark decision, we caught up with Don and holy shit folks why did we ever think this was a good idea.
It was a bit naïve to assume Mr. Cherry’s views had softened with everything going on right now. Soon after sitting down with the former national icon, our hubris had slapshot us in the face.
Mr. Cherry, now wearing a poppy-patterned three-piece suit that looks as if it hasn’t been changed in over half a year, chatted with us about life after Hockey Night In Canada, his new podcast, and his belligerent politics… while our poor interviewer was wallowing in crippling remorse.
Interviewer: Don Cherry, thank you for sitting with u-
Don Cherry: Mr. Cherry.
I: Oh… um… I guess-
DC: Are you the one from that pinko rag The Beaverton?
I: Ye-
DC: Well you tell those cuckaloos that it’s about damn time they came to see what I was up to. Not sitting around with my thumb up my ass like you commie fucks.
I: Whoa man what the he-
DC: See that’s one of the benefits about my new podcast format. I don’t have the left-wing PC police bearing down on me telling me mind my language. My new social feeds have been doing great.
I: Okay let’s um… alright that’s good I guess uhhh. How is the new podcast goi-
DC: Fantastic. I’m over the moon with the response we’ve been getting. Look at these comments: Tanya_1984 says “Sportsnet doesn’t know what they’re missing,” LeafzzHNIC says “Can’t tell the difference! Who needs Ron Maclean!” StormfrontHH says “Love to see the man work,” I assume HH stands for Hello Hockey, of course. Sounds like a good Canadian boy.
I: So… ah jeez… I see that your latest podcast numbers on YouTube show views around five hundr-
DC: Look, listen, it’s a different format alright, without my suits on screen, why else would anyone pay attention? You gotta work with the tools you’re given. See Rocket Richard, that was a good lad who built up his skills from the bottom up, and that’s what you’re seeing here. Cold, hard, drive and rugged Canadian spirit.
I: So um… ugh… at this point I legally have to ask but what else have you been up to since Hockey Night I–
DC: The firing? I regret nothing. Just like I don’t regret supporting the Iraq invasion. I don’t regret calling people troublemakers for walking by the G20 protests and being brutalized and thrown in jail without charges, I don’t regret denying climate change, and look if you think I’m gonna get down on my knees and- will you stop sighing for crying out loud.
I: Oh yeah no, it’s just… I kinda forgot you did all that before uhhh… planning this.
DC: You need some gumption, right? Look here. I’m doing fine, you come in here, you check on the famous Don Cherry, and you expect, what? Some sort of praise? Am I a national treasure? Now I wouldn’t go that far. But when you come in here expecting an interview, I’m giving you an interview. I’m a mucker. I survive. Now those pansy liberals out there, crying about-
I: Uhhh can I use the-
DC: -police brutality. Listen, my producer, he’s a good lad, he’s been giving me these figures right? Rebel Media. Now I know you’re biased, you’re a lefty, you can’t help it. But if you take a-
I: -bathroom. Ah fuck it.
DC: -look. It’s all huey! Black Lives Matter? How about All-
At this point our interviewer began packing up as Don Cherry reportedly continued on an unprovoked tirade against taking down Sir John A. Macdonald monuments.
Don’t make us go through that again.


thebeaverton--2020-08-10--Lockheed Martin waves shiny metal dick at Canadian government in $19 billion mating display

OTTAWA – Aerospace manufacturer Lockheed Martin has presented its newest metal phallus to the Canadian government in a bid to win the $ 19 billion competition to replace the military ’ s aging peckers .
“ Now that is a dick , ” said Lockheed Martin representative Alan Cunningham .
“ The shape , the sheen , there ’ s no doubt that this is the most impressive thing to pierce the pale blue that you ever saw.
” The courtship comes 10 years after the Harper government wasn ’ t able to bring its plan to purchase 65 of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to cost overruns and reliability issues .
Lockheed was quick to point out that many of the early dysfunctions have been corrected and costs will continue to shrink throughout the life of schlong .
“ This thing gets up in a hurry now , ” assured Cunningham .
“ The only performance issue you ’ ll have is keeping it sheathed when there ’ s any geopolitical excitement.
” The government will now review the F-35 alongside the Saab Gripen and McDonnell Douglas F/A-18 to determine which sleek new embodiment of fragile masculinity @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ We hope the Canadian people will make the right decision and choose the thrust , maneuverability , and rigidity of the F-35 as their flying metal dick of the future , ” concluded a somewhat flushed Cunningham .
At press time the Royal Canadian Navy was voicing concerns that money for these new airborne penises could be better spent updating their giant submersible penises .

OTTAWA – Aerospace manufacturer Lockheed Martin has presented its newest metal phallus to the Canadian government in a bid to win the $19 billion competition to replace the military’s aging peckers.
“Now that is a dick,” said Lockheed Martin representative Alan Cunningham. “The shape, the sheen, there’s no doubt that this is the most impressive thing to pierce the pale blue that you ever saw.”
The courtship comes 10 years after the Harper government wasn’t able to bring its plan to purchase 65 of the girthy F-35A unit to completion due to cost overruns and reliability issues. Lockheed was quick to point out that many of the early dysfunctions have been corrected and costs will continue to shrink throughout the life of schlong.
“This thing gets up in a hurry now,” assured Cunningham. “The only performance issue you’ll have is keeping it sheathed when there’s any geopolitical excitement.”
The government will now review the F-35 alongside the Saab Gripen and McDonnell Douglas F/A-18 to determine which sleek new embodiment of fragile masculinity they will spends billions of dollars on.
“We hope the Canadian people will make the right decision and choose the thrust, maneuverability, and rigidity of the F-35 as their flying metal dick of the future,” concluded a somewhat flushed Cunningham.
At press time the Royal Canadian Navy was voicing concerns that money for these new airborne penises could be better spent updating their giant submersible penises.


thebeaverton--2020-08-10--Citing a culture of fear, anti-maskers remove stop signs

TORONTO – Members of an anti-mask group have taken down an intersection ’ s stop signs to remove what they call a culture of fear towards oncoming traffic .
For years , the red octagons have terrorized locals by requiring them to legally stop their cars at a four-way intersection , say protesters .
“ If it weren ’ t for these stop signs , people would not be so afraid of driving , ” said Jeremiah Putnam who blames Bill Gates for setting up the traffic signs .
“ The local government is using fear tactics of t-bone collisions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to frightened drivers who constantly darted their heads back-and-forth whenever they approached the intersection indicating a crisis of confidence and demise of democracy .
As the posted warnings were taken down to chants of ‘ Stop the Signs , ’ activists demanded that the local government admit to the over 400 conspiracy theories on why the signs were first erected .
“ People should have the freedom of choice and not have to listen communist traffic engineers to tell you when a light is green , ” said a former People ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I will not stop for anyone !
’ “ My car , my choice.
” In related news , a truck hurtling towards the intersection didn ’ t see the protesters either .

TORONTO – Members of an anti-mask group have taken down an intersection’s stop signs to remove what they call a culture of fear towards oncoming traffic.
For years, the red octagons have terrorized locals by requiring them to legally stop their cars at a four-way intersection, say protesters.
“If it weren’t for these stop signs, people would not be so afraid of driving,” said Jeremiah Putnam who blames Bill Gates for setting up the traffic signs. “The local government is using fear tactics of t-bone collisions to control the population.”
Protesters pointed to frightened drivers who constantly darted their heads back-and-forth whenever they approached the intersection indicating a crisis of confidence and demise of democracy.
As the posted warnings were taken down to chants of ‘Stop the Signs,’ activists demanded that the local government admit to the over 400 conspiracy theories on why the signs were first erected.
“People should have the freedom of choice and not have to listen communist traffic engineers to tell you when a light is green,” said a former People’s Party candidate holding a sign declaring ‘I will not stop for anyone!’ “My car, my choice.”
In related news, a truck hurtling towards the intersection didn’t see the protesters either.


thebeaverton--2020-08-10--Conservatives allow Andrew Scheer to re-open debate on abortion as a special goodbye treat

OTTAWA – As Andrew Scheer ’ s terms as Conservative Party leader nears its end , party brass has decided to give the departing leader a special sendoff : permission to re-open the abortion debate for funzies .
“ It ’ s hard to find a fitting sendoff for a guy who did his job very badly , stole money from the party , and drank milk in such a repellent way on national television .
But hey , civility in politics , what are ya gon na do ?
” a party insider commented , under the condition of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ something for the guy .
And I think on special occasions all Conservatives like to let our hair down and do a little oppression , as a treat.
” The party considered other sendoff options for Scheer before letting him attempt to take away the reproductive rights of Canadians .
A mass toast to Paw Patrol and capitalism seemed impersonal , and a commemorative butter statue was deemed “ not wet enough.
” Backbenchers suggested Scheer , a Simpsons fan , might enjoy a flashmob of the whole party doing the Bartman , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the reference .
“ Some guys do fantasy football , but for Andy , there ’ s nothing he loves more than a Sunday afternoon tinker with his hardline right-wing fantasy abortion legislation.
” The insider said .
“ Implementing draconian medical restrictions is his life ’ s passion .
And besides , Peter MacKay promised he ’ d shut it down immediately and replace it with a big , juicy fall election .
Everybody wins.
” But are Conservatives concerned that this move will affect public perception of the party going forward @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is like , terminally incompetent , ” Said the insider .
“ It ’ s Andrew Scheer ’ s Make-a-Wish : he gets to have a little fun for a day but ultimately , his trajectory ain ’ t changing .
Look at April Fool ’ s day , or that town that made that kid Batman , or the Purge – those all lasted just a day , and they all worked out just fine.
” Scheer ’ s exact post-retirement plans are unknown , but surrogates suggest he ’ s already @ @ @ @ @ @ @ build a Rube Goldberg machine that would make gay marriage illegal again .

OTTAWA – As Andrew Scheer’s terms as Conservative Party leader nears its end, party brass has decided to give the departing leader a special sendoff: permission to re-open the abortion debate for funzies.
“It’s hard to find a fitting sendoff for a guy who did his job very badly, stole money from the party, and drank milk in such a repellent way on national television. But hey, civility in politics, what are ya gonna do?” a party insider commented, under the condition of anonymity. “We have to do something for the guy. And I think on special occasions all Conservatives like to let our hair down and do a little oppression, as a treat.”
The party considered other sendoff options for Scheer before letting him attempt to take away the reproductive rights of Canadians. A mass toast to Paw Patrol and capitalism seemed impersonal, and a commemorative butter statue was deemed “not wet enough.” Backbenchers suggested Scheer, a Simpsons fan, might enjoy a flashmob of the whole party doing the Bartman, but others were concerned he might miss the reference.
“Some guys do fantasy football, but for Andy, there’s nothing he loves more than a Sunday afternoon tinker with his hardline right-wing fantasy abortion legislation.” The insider said. “Implementing draconian medical restrictions is his life’s passion. And besides, Peter MacKay promised he’d shut it down immediately and replace it with a big, juicy fall election. Everybody wins.”
But are Conservatives concerned that this move will affect public perception of the party going forward?
“Absolutely not. The guy is like, terminally incompetent,” Said the insider. “It’s Andrew Scheer’s Make-a-Wish: he gets to have a little fun for a day but ultimately, his trajectory ain’t changing. Look at April Fool’s day, or that town that made that kid Batman, or the Purge – those all lasted just a day, and they all worked out just fine.”
Scheer’s exact post-retirement plans are unknown, but surrogates suggest he’s already spending weekends in his garage trying to build a Rube Goldberg machine that would make gay marriage illegal again.


Career woman settles

WASHINGTON – Sources confirm that US Senator , former prosecutor and California Attorney General , and lifelong career gal Kamala Harris has finally decided to share her ticket with someone .
“ Sure , for a long time I told myself I could do better , ” Harris stated .
“ I had such high standards .
It was always , ‘ I ’ m more dynamic and exciting than him !
’ and ‘ I demolished him in the debates !
’ and ‘ I didn ’ t author the most controversial and unpopular legislation of the last half @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one long , searching heart-to-heart , illuminated by the warm glow of aides ’ laptop screens , Kamala realized all those first-ticket jitters were preventing her from getting into an administration that would really work for her .
“ Plus he ’ s promised to try not to smell my hair at the Convention , so it ’ s nice to know he can grow.
” Kamala ’ s friends say they were nervous she would never find someone nice to run with .
“ She was always putting her foot in her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ One second she ’ d have them wrapped around her finger , telling them how much she admired their foreign policy agenda , then she ’ d totally blow it and say something mortifying like “ I have serious concerns about the feasibility of your budget plan.
” Indeed , the tumultuous will-they-won ’ t-they came to a head in an embarrassing peccadillo when Kamala mentioned her running-mate-to-be had tried to prevent the integration of de-facto segregated schools through bussing .
“ It was in front of everyone !
The whole office was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s told reporters .
“ It was like this chick was trying to make him look bad !
Plus , afterwards , she didn ’ t call him to apologize , she didn ’ t send him a little note saying she liked what he did with Bosnia .
Nothing .
I told Joe , if she doesn ’ t show up with a limo and a dress and PROMISE to take you to the Clooneys ’ fundraiser in Napa , you should lose her number !
” Fortunately , Kamala came @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s soft voice , friendly demeanour , and pretty strong likelihood of not being competent to run in 2024 .
Kamala ’ s friends are reportedly relieved that she has finally stopped waiting around for the perfect running mate .
“ Let ’ s face it , when it comes to finding someone to share a ticket with you , men still hold a lot of power .
You can be smarter , more morally committed and way more attractive than him , but at the end of the day , he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to impress .
For some reason.
” “ Look , ” Kamala told reporters .
“ Right now , all I can think about is that big , wonderful day – when I ’ ll finally get to slow-motion eviscerate Mike Pence on National television .
”

WASHINGTON – Sources confirm that US Senator, former prosecutor and California Attorney General, and lifelong career gal Kamala Harris has finally decided to share her ticket with someone.
“Sure, for a long time I told myself I could do better,” Harris stated. “I had such high standards. It was always, ‘I’m more dynamic and exciting than him!’ and ‘I demolished him in the debates!’ and ‘I didn’t author the most controversial and unpopular legislation of the last half century!’”
Thankfully, during one long, searching heart-to-heart, illuminated by the warm glow of aides’ laptop screens, Kamala realized all those first-ticket jitters were preventing her from getting into an administration that would really work for her.
“Plus he’s promised to try not to smell my hair at the Convention, so it’s nice to know he can grow.”
Kamala’s friends say they were nervous she would never find someone nice to run with.
“She was always putting her foot in her mouth whenever she talked to guys. One second she’d have them wrapped around her finger, telling them how much she admired their foreign policy agenda, then she’d totally blow it and say something mortifying like “I have serious concerns about the feasibility of your budget plan.”
“It was hard to watch.”
Indeed, the tumultuous will-they-won’t-they came to a head in an embarrassing peccadillo when Kamala mentioned her running-mate-to-be had tried to prevent the integration of de-facto segregated schools through bussing.
“It was in front of everyone! The whole office was there!” a friend of Biden’s told reporters. “It was like this chick was trying to make him look bad! Plus, afterwards, she didn’t call him to apologize, she didn’t send him a little note saying she liked what he did with Bosnia. Nothing. I told Joe, if she doesn’t show up with a limo and a dress and PROMISE to take you to the Clooneys’ fundraiser in Napa, you should lose her number!”
Fortunately, Kamala came around, swayed by her running mate’s soft voice, friendly demeanour, and pretty strong likelihood of not being competent to run in 2024.
Kamala’s friends are reportedly relieved that she has finally stopped waiting around for the perfect running mate. “Let’s face it, when it comes to finding someone to share a ticket with you, men still hold a lot of power. You can be smarter, more morally committed and way more attractive than him, but at the end of the day, he’s the one who you have to impress. For some reason.”
“Look,” Kamala told reporters. “Right now, all I can think about is that big, wonderful day – when I’ll finally get to slow-motion eviscerate Mike Pence on National television.”


thebeaverton--2020-08-11--Buffalo welcomes Jays with ballpark renovations that include robotic fan chucking beer cans onto the

Buffalo welcomes Jays with ballpark renovations that include robotic fan chucking beer cans onto the field

BUFFALO – In an attempt to welcome the Toronto Blue Jays into their 2020 home , Buffalo ’ s Sahlen Field has added a number of details to make the Blue Jays feel like they are playing at the Rogers Centre : Blue paint and Jays logos everywhere , new blue carpeting , and a robotic fan hucking full cans of beer at the players from the top row of the stands .
Because the Blue Jays did not get approval from the Canadian government to play their home games at the Rogers Centre in Toronto , the team will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at the home of their AAA affiliate , the Buffalo Bisons .
While the players were initially upset by the change to a facility that was not up to major league standards , many are impressed by the changes made to Buffalo ’ s stadium .
“ It won ’ t be the same not playing in my favourite place in the world , the concrete mausoleum that is the Rogers Centre , ” said Blue Jays shortstop Bo Bichette .
“ But seeing the Jays logos everywhere , and being scared of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spinning can of Budweiser , is going to help me settle in just fine.
” The robot bears the likeness of Ken Pagan , a fan famous for throwing a can of beer at Baltimore outfielder Hyun Soo Kim during the 2016 AL Wild Card game , and is basically a catapult attached to a cardboard cutout .
The Jays have also piped in the sound of a middle-aged man loudly telling everyone that all the players on both teams are on steroids , and the sound of a section of schoolchildren cheering @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a home run .
Some of the Blue Jays , however , are still not satisfied with the changes .
“ What are these plants growing on the field ?
Grass ?
Psh.
” said outfielder Randal Grichuk .
“ In the majors , we play on green carpet that looks like grass , thank you very much .
Also , you are supposed to have a roof that gets stuck halfway when you try and open it during a game.
” Finally , Blue Jays management is asking everyone who usually brags @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ to start saying to the friends and family ‘ I still call it Coca-Cola Field ’ .

BUFFALO – In an attempt to welcome the Toronto Blue Jays into their 2020 home, Buffalo’s Sahlen Field has added a number of details to make the Blue Jays feel like they are playing at the Rogers Centre: Blue paint and Jays logos everywhere, new blue carpeting, and a robotic fan hucking full cans of beer at the players from the top row of the stands.
Because the Blue Jays did not get approval from the Canadian government to play their home games at the Rogers Centre in Toronto, the team will be playing 29 home games this year at the home of their AAA affiliate, the Buffalo Bisons. While the players were initially upset by the change to a facility that was not up to major league standards, many are impressed by the changes made to Buffalo’s stadium.
“It won’t be the same not playing in my favourite place in the world, the concrete mausoleum that is the Rogers Centre,” said Blue Jays shortstop Bo Bichette. “But seeing the Jays logos everywhere, and being scared of getting clocked in the head by a spinning can of Budweiser, is going to help me settle in just fine.”
The robot bears the likeness of Ken Pagan, a fan famous for throwing a can of beer at Baltimore outfielder Hyun Soo Kim during the 2016 AL Wild Card game, and is basically a catapult attached to a cardboard cutout. The Jays have also piped in the sound of a middle-aged man loudly telling everyone that all the players on both teams are on steroids, and the sound of a section of schoolchildren cheering for every fly ball thinking it is a home run.
Some of the Blue Jays, however, are still not satisfied with the changes. “What are these plants growing on the field? Grass? Psh.” said outfielder Randal Grichuk. “In the majors, we play on green carpet that looks like grass, thank you very much. Also, you are supposed to have a roof that gets stuck halfway when you try and open it during a game.”
Finally, Blue Jays management is asking everyone who usually brags ‘I still call it the Skydome’ to start saying to the friends and family ‘I still call it Coca-Cola Field’.


thebeaverton--2020-08-11--Putin assures world COVID-19 vaccine has been rigorously tested on political opponents

MOSCOW – Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced the successful development of the world ’ s first COVID-19 vaccine , @ @ @ @ @ his political opponents and journalists .
All three phases of clinical trials have now been @ @ @ @ @ of oligarchs convicted in show trails , LGBT activists under house arrest , and disloyal @ @ @ @ @ protesters generously donated their blood livers for vaccine research , ” explained Putin .
“ @ @ @ @ @ pre-existing research on anti-war demonstrators to develop an Ebola vaccine , so we were halfway @ @ @ @ @ to begin a country-wide vaccination campaign , which is expected to inoculate and/or kill millions @ @ @ @ @ to be happy and healthy , though some side-effects included leaping out of seven-storey windows @ @ @ @ @ that the country would be willing to share the vaccine with the US so long @ @ @ @ @ .

MOSCOW – Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced the successful development of the world’s first COVID-19 vaccine, which was rigorously tested on his political opponents and journalists.
All three phases of clinical trials have now been completed thanks to a number of oligarchs convicted in show trails, LGBT activists under house arrest, and disloyal state governors.
“Anti-corruption protesters generously donated their blood livers for vaccine research,” explained Putin. “Our scientists have successfully used pre-existing research on anti-war demonstrators to develop an Ebola vaccine, so we were halfway there.”
Russia is expected to begin a country-wide vaccination campaign, which is expected to inoculate and/or kill millions.
Test subjects were reported to be happy and healthy, though some side-effects included leaping out of seven-storey windows.
The Russian leader said that the country would be willing to share the vaccine with the US so long as Donald Trump is re-elected.


thebeaverton--2020-08-11--Super Soaker wielding Priest just baptized the shit out of this kid

Goderich , ON — Since the COVID outbreak , the Catholic church has begun social distance baptizing , arming their priests with holy water-guns , shooting from the hip to bring young children into the light of god with pin-point accuracy .
Though some priests bemoan this desperate and hilarious attempt at semblance of normal procedure , Father Wilson has chosen to find the fun of the situation .
“ The water guns that the Vatican sent us were just piddly little things ” , Wilson says .
“ They could barely shoot the six feet .
So , I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Super Soaker XP100 Water Blaster .
It ’ s pump action .
I could baptize a kid two blocks away with this thing .
Sure , it was $ 80 out of the collection plate , but it ’ s worth the results .
These are some of the most Catholic babies I ’ ve ever seen.
” “ Oh , wow .
He really let the kid fucking have it ” , confirmed Cameron Jones , on duty alter boy who witnessed the holy ritual .
“ And by “ it ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Even after the baby was so covered in Christ ’ s love that his baptism gown was absolutely trashed , Father Wilson continued to really just level the kid .
The spray looked like it could power wash a deck .
He then claimed that no one is ever too old to reunite with the lord and gave each member of the Esparza family a quick pump-blast , before mercifully holstering his weapon .
“ When he fully charges that thing , it really hurts ” , complained Marla Esparza , mother @ @ @ @ @ @ @ first I thought Darren was being fussy when he started crying , but then I took a shot to the neck and I thought it broke the skin !
” Not all parishioners seem satisfied with the church ’ s distancing measures , but Father Wilson assures they are doing the best they can .
“ It ’ s not easy to know what ’ s best .
The water guns are definitely better than the slip and slide baptisms we started with and WAY better than the slingshot Ash Wednesday .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
All faiths are struggling .
Why don ’ t you pop by the synagogue and see how the social distance circumcisions are going ?
”

Goderich, ON — Since the COVID outbreak, the Catholic church has begun social distance baptizing, arming their priests with holy water-guns, shooting from the hip to bring young children into the light of god with pin-point accuracy.
Though some priests bemoan this desperate and hilarious attempt at semblance of normal procedure, Father Wilson has chosen to find the fun of the situation.
“The water guns that the Vatican sent us were just piddly little things”, Wilson says. “They could barely shoot the six feet. So, I went on Amazon and found the Nerf Super Soaker XP100 Water Blaster. It’s pump action. I could baptize a kid two blocks away with this thing. Sure, it was $80 out of the collection plate, but it’s worth the results. These are some of the most Catholic babies I’ve ever seen.”
“Oh, wow. He really let the kid fucking have it”, confirmed Cameron Jones, on duty alter boy who witnessed the holy ritual. “And by “it”, I mean the love of god.”
Even after the baby was so covered in Christ’s love that his baptism gown was absolutely trashed, Father Wilson continued to really just level the kid. The spray looked like it could power wash a deck. He then claimed that no one is ever too old to reunite with the lord and gave each member of the Esparza family a quick pump-blast, before mercifully holstering his weapon.
“When he fully charges that thing, it really hurts”, complained Marla Esparza, mother to baby Darren Esparza. “At first I thought Darren was being fussy when he started crying, but then I took a shot to the neck and I thought it broke the skin!”
Not all parishioners seem satisfied with the church’s distancing measures, but Father Wilson assures they are doing the best they can.
“It’s not easy to know what’s best. The water guns are definitely better than the slip and slide baptisms we started with and WAY better than the slingshot Ash Wednesday. The whole congregation looked like Trudeau on Halloween. All faiths are struggling. Why don’t you pop by the synagogue and see how the social distance circumcisions are going?”


thebeaverton--2020-08-11--Local woman makes old Barbies kiss just to feel something

MONTREAL – This week , Lauren Katsufrakis ’ friends and family were growing increasingly concerned as she had been repeatedly making her old dolls make out in order to feel anything aside from the nothingness she has been feeling recently .
“ Everything is a meaningless abyss , but pretending my Barbies are sharing passionate , forbidden kisses helps dull the dread I feel every waking moment of this awful existence !
” said Katsufrakis while excitedly grasping Island Fun Skipper and Ryan in a tight embrace .
Katsufrakis had expressed to those close to her that she had felt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ due to the general state of the world .
In an effort to feel something more than the emptiness of being alive , Katsufrakis began roleplaying with some old Barbies she found in a box that she was supposed to throw away years ago .
From there the roleplaying grew increasingly elaborate as she collected more childhood toys until she created a sex-positive Barbie town with vivid story lines for every character .
“ It ’ s like Welcome to Marwen… except horny.
” Kastufrakis explained , “ It just sucks that they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ They don ’ t French like I want them to.
” Friends have encouraged her to go on walks , take cold showers , or try lightly slapping herself on the face in order to curb her appetite for plastic-on-plastic action to no avail .
“ I keep walking in on her whispering things to them like ‘ Why Ken , you ’ ve been a naughty naughty eunuch ’ and ‘ C ’ mon Barbie , let ’ s go party , ’ ” said close friend Randy Smith .
“ And @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with the Barbie styling head , dead-eyed and smiling… I ’ ll carry that with me the rest of my life.
” At press time , Katsufrakis has expanded her Barbie sex-town to all corners of her one bedroom apartment .
Her live-in boyfriend of 7 years has yet to notice .

MONTREAL – This week, Lauren Katsufrakis’ friends and family were growing increasingly concerned as she had been repeatedly making her old dolls make out in order to feel anything aside from the nothingness she has been feeling recently.
“Everything is a meaningless abyss, but pretending my Barbies are sharing passionate, forbidden kisses helps dull the dread I feel every waking moment of this awful existence!” said Katsufrakis while excitedly grasping Island Fun Skipper and Ryan in a tight embrace.
Katsufrakis had expressed to those close to her that she had felt numb to her own perception of reality due to the general state of the world. In an effort to feel something more than the emptiness of being alive, Katsufrakis began roleplaying with some old Barbies she found in a box that she was supposed to throw away years ago.
From there the roleplaying grew increasingly elaborate as she collected more childhood toys until she created a sex-positive Barbie town with vivid story lines for every character.
“It’s like Welcome to Marwen… except horny.” Kastufrakis explained, “It just sucks that they don’t have moveable tongues. They don’t French like I want them to.”
Friends have encouraged her to go on walks, take cold showers, or try lightly slapping herself on the face in order to curb her appetite for plastic-on-plastic action to no avail.
“I keep walking in on her whispering things to them like ‘Why Ken, you’ve been a naughty naughty eunuch’ and ‘C’mon Barbie, let’s go party,’” said close friend Randy Smith. “And I once saw her sneak a kiss with the Barbie styling head, dead-eyed and smiling… I’ll carry that with me the rest of my life.”
At press time, Katsufrakis has expanded her Barbie sex-town to all corners of her one bedroom apartment. Her live-in boyfriend of 7 years has yet to notice.


thebeaverton--2020-08-12--Bloc leader vows to trigger, lose election

MONTREAL – This Wednesday , Bloc Québécois Leader Yves-François Blanchet has threatened to force a federal election in the fall , an election that he promises to lose .
Blanchet ’ s remark comes amid the ethics investigation into Trudeau and Morneau ’ s ties to WE Charity .
The Bloc leader insists that the only way to prevent him from losing catastrophically at the polls would be if Prime Minister Justin Trudeau , Finance Minister Bill Morneau , and Katie Telford , the PM ’ s chief of staff , all resign .
“ It is more harmful to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ positions of power than it is to have millions of Canadians congregate to vote in-person in what will undoubtedly be the second wave of the coronavirus pandemic , ” said the leader of the party with less than 10 % of the seats in the House of Commons .
“ It ’ ll be fine !
If Québécois kids can be packed into classrooms , then the very least Anglo and allophones can do is pack themselves into their local community centers to cast their ballots for any party besides my own.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ party to move forward with a motion of non-confidence , but assured Bloc supporters that they would have the option of voting for Liberals , Conservatives , and maybe even the NDP .
“ These three are untrustworthy , just like the anonymous sexual misconduct allegations made against me last month .
Once they step down , I will no longer pursue an election I didn ’ t have a chance in hell of winning… but then again once these three are gone who will be left to run the government ?
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Maybe the country will be forced into an election no matter if my demands are met or not !
” The Bloc Québécois leader finished his statement by reiterating his support for a vote in October , saying , “ Trudeau and Morneau have mismanaged money away from hard-working Canadians , whereas I would simply use Canadian tax-payer money to force everyone back onto the campaign trail .
”

MONTREAL – This Wednesday, Bloc Québécois Leader Yves-François Blanchet has threatened to force a federal election in the fall, an election that he promises to lose.
Blanchet’s remark comes amid the ethics investigation into Trudeau and Morneau’s ties to WE Charity. The Bloc leader insists that the only way to prevent him from losing catastrophically at the polls would be if Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, Finance Minister Bill Morneau, and Katie Telford, the PM’s chief of staff, all resign.
“It is more harmful to our country to have these three in positions of power than it is to have millions of Canadians congregate to vote in-person in what will undoubtedly be the second wave of the coronavirus pandemic,” said the leader of the party with less than 10% of the seats in the House of Commons.
“It’ll be fine! If Québécois kids can be packed into classrooms, then the very least Anglo and allophones can do is pack themselves into their local community centers to cast their ballots for any party besides my own.”
Blanchet has yet to confer with another party to move forward with a motion of non-confidence, but assured Bloc supporters that they would have the option of voting for Liberals, Conservatives, and maybe even the NDP.
“These three are untrustworthy, just like the anonymous sexual misconduct allegations made against me last month. Once they step down, I will no longer pursue an election I didn’t have a chance in hell of winning… but then again once these three are gone who will be left to run the government?” Blanchet cackled silently to himself. “Maybe the country will be forced into an election no matter if my demands are met or not!”
The Bloc Québécois leader finished his statement by reiterating his support for a vote in October, saying, “Trudeau and Morneau have mismanaged money away from hard-working Canadians, whereas I would simply use Canadian tax-payer money to force everyone back onto the campaign trail.”


thebeaverton--2020-08-12--Petite woman excited to flaunt child-sized mask

MISSISSAUGA , ON- 5 ’ 1 ” woman Alexandra Vega can not be more eager to tell the world that she yet again is not like other girls , because adult-sized masks are too large for her perfectly small and feminine face .
“ Due to the stay at home orders , I ’ ve been behind on telling everyone that adult-sized things are too big for me , ” explained Vega .
“ But as soon as I learned that masks would be mandatory in my city , I knew it was my opportunity to get back out there @ @ @ @ @ @ @ am !
” Vega , who claims to have stopped growing “ literally in like grade seven ” often has difficulty finding clothing items in her unique size , which is a 0 or a 2 .
“ I ’ m just like soooo tiny , so shopping is always a nightmare for me .
I can ’ t tell you how many times employees have come up to me thinking I ’ m someone ’ s lost child , ” she stated .
“ I was worried that I would never find @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and jaw , but luckily the Baby Gap had some great options !
” Morgan Hall , CEO of Baby Gap , explained that petite women actually make-up a sizeable demographic of their customer base .
“ Around 47 % of our products are not actually purchased for babies , but are in fact , for women under 5 ’ 2 , ” she explains .
“ Is it kind of weird ?
Hell yeah .
But they give us a lot of free advertising , so I ’ ll take it ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about her size , Vega expressed : “ I ’ m just different from other girls I guess… so I want to share my unique experience with the world .
Also , I think it ’ ll get me laid.
” At press time , Vega can be seen forcing patrons in the grocery store to compare glove sizes with her .

MISSISSAUGA, ON- 5’1” woman Alexandra Vega cannot be more eager to tell the world that she yet again is not like other girls, because adult-sized masks are too large for her perfectly small and feminine face.
“Due to the stay at home orders, I’ve been behind on telling everyone that adult-sized things are too big for me,” explained Vega. “But as soon as I learned that masks would be mandatory in my city, I knew it was my opportunity to get back out there and let everyone know how teensy-weensy I am!”
Vega, who claims to have stopped growing “literally in like grade seven” often has difficulty finding clothing items in her unique size, which is a 0 or a 2.
“I’m just like soooo tiny, so shopping is always a nightmare for me. I can’t tell you how many times employees have come up to me thinking I’m someone’s lost child,” she stated. “I was worried that I would never find a mask to fit my microscopic nose and jaw, but luckily the Baby Gap had some great options!”
Morgan Hall, CEO of Baby Gap, explained that petite women actually make-up a sizeable demographic of their customer base. “Around 47% of our products are not actually purchased for babies, but are in fact, for women under 5’2,” she explains. “Is it kind of weird? Hell yeah. But they give us a lot of free advertising, so I’ll take it”.
When asked why she enjoys boasting about her size, Vega expressed: “I’m just different from other girls I guess… so I want to share my unique experience with the world. Also, I think it’ll get me laid.”
At press time, Vega can be seen forcing patrons in the grocery store to compare glove sizes with her.


thebeaverton--2020-08-12--Drake caught sneaking into Raptors’ bubble again

ORLANDO – International recording superstar and desperate Raptors fanboy Drake was once again caught trying to sneak into the Raptors ’ quarantine zone in Disney World .
“ Come on , I ’ m basically part of the team !
” yelled Drake as security dragged him down from the hotel drain pipe he had been attempting to climb .
“ How can you even have a bubble without your former Global Brand Ambassador ?
” “ They meant to invite me .
I ’ m sure they did !
Call Masai .
Call Masai !
” Drake had previously @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ hotel and facilities by claiming he was Fred Van Vleet , hiding in Nick Nurse ’ s guitar case and disguising himself as NBA commissioner Adam Silver .
“ Yeah man , he keeps texting asking me to leave the team bus door open or to tie a bunch of bedsheets so he can climb into my room , ” said point guard Kyle Lowry .
“ I ’ ve just been leaving him on read to be honest with you.
” Other Raptors made similar points noting that , despite being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they had really been looking forward to the bubble so they could get away from Drake .
“ Now I ’ m worried that every time I unzip a bag or open a closet he ’ s going to be hiding in there , ready to give me tips on my 3 point shooting , ” said Pascal Siakam .
The NBA is not about to let that happen however .
They have increased security by hiring several officers who are all women over the age of 18 .
They are confident that @ @ @ @ @ @

ORLANDO – International recording superstar and desperate Raptors fanboy Drake was once again caught trying to sneak into the Raptors’ quarantine zone in Disney World.
“Come on, I’m basically part of the team!” yelled Drake as security dragged him down from the hotel drain pipe he had been attempting to climb. “How can you even have a bubble without your former Global Brand Ambassador?”
“They meant to invite me. I’m sure they did! Call Masai. Call Masai!”
Drake had previously attempted to gain access to the Raptors’ hotel and facilities by claiming he was Fred Van Vleet, hiding in Nick Nurse’s guitar case and disguising himself as NBA commissioner Adam Silver.
“Yeah man, he keeps texting asking me to leave the team bus door open or to tie a bunch of bedsheets so he can climb into my room,” said point guard Kyle Lowry. “I’ve just been leaving him on read to be honest with you.”
Other Raptors made similar points noting that, despite being away from their homes and families, they had really been looking forward to the bubble so they could get away from Drake.
“Now I’m worried that every time I unzip a bag or open a closet he’s going to be hiding in there, ready to give me tips on my 3 point shooting,” said Pascal Siakam.
The NBA is not about to let that happen however. They have increased security by hiring several officers who are all women over the age of 18. They are confident that alone will scare Drake away.


thebeaverton--2020-08-12--Editorial: Fine I’ll wear a mask but I want people to see my new nose job

I finally got the nose that I have dreamt about , but no one has even seen it because of these damn masks !
Normally in March my Daddy sends me on a trip to Barbados , but this year I convinced him to get me my new nose .
Much to my surprise , when I woke up from my medically-induced slumber , there was a pandemic all the sudden ?
Like , why is this happening to me ?
!
During my recovery I was totally fine wearing the mask because half my face was covered in bandages @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to reveal my thin Gwyneth Paltrow nose , I knew these masks had to go !
I mean , I look hot as fuck and that ’ s more important than some flu .
I went out without a mask and proudly held my new nose high .
You wouldn ’ t believe the dirty looks I got .
Like , excuse me , I ’ m sorry you look like Owen Wilson .
I even showed them my “ I HAVE A NEW NOSE !
!
” card to get out of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ call me “ Karen ” .
I can ’ t stand being called Karen .
That ’ s my Mom ’ s name and we don ’ t have a good relationship… after all , she ’ s responsible for my old nose .
So I got creative with my masks .
First I wore it covering just my lips with my cute little newly-crafted button nose resting on top of it like a mint on a fresh pillow at the Ramada Inn ( the nice one down by the airport ) .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ my part .
But then I got this cute lipstick for free , with these new lip injections I got thanks to CERB .
So my mask now fits comfortably around my chin !
Everyone can see my new lips and nose .
I feel like , SO safe wearing my mask .
I ’ ve tried various types of masks : Mesh ( so cute ) , saran wrap ( too poor ) , but my most creative mask work came just last week when I hit up the beach .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as a bikini top and one as bottoms .
I was the talk of the beach .
I felt like everyone wanted to see my new nose .
Though I did have to say “ boys , my new nose is up here ” .
Overall , this has been so stressful for me .
Like , getting a new nose is supposed to be all parties and compliments , but right now it feels like the entire world is against me .
My “ friends ” keep telling me that I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m going to expose others to droplets that come out of my nose .
Which is confusing to me ‘ cause I can ’ t even breathe out of my new nose .
That ’ s normal , right ?

Editorial by Tiffany Renaldo
I finally got the nose that I have dreamt about, but no one has even seen it because of these damn masks! Normally in March my Daddy sends me on a trip to Barbados, but this year I convinced him to get me my new nose. Much to my surprise, when I woke up from my medically-induced slumber, there was a pandemic all the sudden?
Like, why is this happening to me?!
During my recovery I was totally fine wearing the mask because half my face was covered in bandages. But when Dr. Dorphmen unraveled me to reveal my thin Gwyneth Paltrow nose, I knew these masks had to go! I mean, I look hot as fuck and that’s more important than some flu.
I went out without a mask and proudly held my new nose high. You wouldn’t believe the dirty looks I got. Like, excuse me, I’m sorry you look like Owen Wilson. I even showed them my “I HAVE A NEW NOSE!!” card to get out of wearing it, but then they would call me “Karen”. I can’t stand being called Karen. That’s my Mom’s name and we don’t have a good relationship… after all, she’s responsible for my old nose.
So I got creative with my masks. First I wore it covering just my lips with my cute little newly-crafted button nose resting on top of it like a mint on a fresh pillow at the Ramada Inn (the nice one down by the airport).
I felt like I was really doing my part. But then I got this cute lipstick for free, with these new lip injections I got thanks to CERB. So my mask now fits comfortably around my chin! Everyone can see my new lips and nose. I feel like, SO safe wearing my mask.
I’ve tried various types of masks: Mesh (so cute), saran wrap (too poor), but my most creative mask work came just last week when I hit up the beach. I decided to wear three masks: two as a bikini top and one as bottoms. I was the talk of the beach. I felt like everyone wanted to see my new nose. Though I did have to say “boys, my new nose is up here”.
Overall, this has been so stressful for me. Like, getting a new nose is supposed to be all parties and compliments, but right now it feels like the entire world is against me. My “friends” keep telling me that I’m wearing the masks wrong and that I’m going to expose others to droplets that come out of my nose. Which is confusing to me ‘cause I can’t even breathe out of my new nose. That’s normal, right?


thebeaverton--2020-08-13--“I’m a regular,” brags intimacy-starved woman at COVID nasal swab site

TORONTO – Marsha King , a 30-year-old single woman who has been without real human contact for over five months due to the pandemic , was recently overheard proudly declaring that she had obtained “ regular ” status at her local coronavirus nasal swab location .
“ I don ’ t want to seem like a big deal , ” she said , adjusting a facemask that was printed to look like her actual face , “ but I come here all the time .
These guys know me .
People will tell you that doesn ’ t matter , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ here with these doctors firmly-yet-gently holding my head steady as they jam a giant Q-tip through my brain is really important to all of us .
The fact that the brain is the sexiest organ is really just the icing on the cake.
” “ It ’ s like I always say , who needs a boyfriend when you ’ re practically going steady with the guy or gal who takes your temperature in the waiting room , right , ladies ?
” Robert Khan , who was recently tested for the first @ @ @ @ @ @ @ line .
“ She turned to me and started sharing her ‘ secret intel ’ on things like how to skip the line , the best hours to show up to avoid long wait times , and even which doctors had the most ‘ sensual ’ hands , ” Khan recounted .
“ And then she asked if she could make out with me over our masks since we were about to be tested anyway .
When I said no , she started crying , pulled out her phone , and booked her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the hospital down the street.
” “ She won ’ t stop trying to bribe the nurse at the door to let her in first , even though it never works , ” explained Marissa White , a doctor at King ’ s clinic .
“ And if I ’ m being honest , she seems to enjoy the procedure a bit too much , you know ?
Just yesterday she asked a visibly uncomfortable Doctor Kowalski if he ’ d leave the swab in for a few minutes because it just ‘ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ At press time , King had just been kicked out of a different testing site for getting into a fight with her favourite doctor after discovering that he ’ d also swabbed her mother .

TORONTO – Marsha King, a 30-year-old single woman who has been without real human contact for over five months due to the pandemic, was recently overheard proudly declaring that she had obtained “regular” status at her local coronavirus nasal swab location.
“I don’t want to seem like a big deal,” she said, adjusting a facemask that was printed to look like her actual face, “but I come here all the time. These guys know me. People will tell you that doesn’t matter, but the amount of time I spend here with these doctors firmly-yet-gently holding my head steady as they jam a giant Q-tip through my brain is really important to all of us. The fact that the brain is the sexiest organ is really just the icing on the cake.”
“It’s like I always say, who needs a boyfriend when you’re practically going steady with the guy or gal who takes your temperature in the waiting room, right, ladies?”
Robert Khan, who was recently tested for the first time, recounted standing behind Marsha in line.
“She turned to me and started sharing her ‘secret intel’ on things like how to skip the line, the best hours to show up to avoid long wait times, and even which doctors had the most ‘sensual’ hands,” Khan recounted. “And then she asked if she could make out with me over our masks since we were about to be tested anyway. When I said no, she started crying, pulled out her phone, and booked her third swab appointment of the day at the hospital down the street.”
“She won’t stop trying to bribe the nurse at the door to let her in first, even though it never works,” explained Marissa White, a doctor at King’s clinic. “And if I’m being honest, she seems to enjoy the procedure a bit too much, you know? Just yesterday she asked a visibly uncomfortable Doctor Kowalski if he’d leave the swab in for a few minutes because it just ‘feels good to feel something.’”
At press time, King had just been kicked out of a different testing site for getting into a fight with her favourite doctor after discovering that he’d also swabbed her mother.


thebeaverton--2020-08-13--Scheer remembers he lost the election

Scheer remembers he lost the election

OTTAWA , ON – This week in the House of Commons Andrew Scheer rose to question Prime Minister Trudeau , however eyewitnesses report that he instead muttered “ Oh God , I just remembered I lost the election ” , before frantically exiting the House of Commons .
Once the session was over Rona Ambrose described the spectacle to assembled reporters .
“ His eyes just glazed over for a full minute , like Raven-Symoné in That ’ s So Raven ” .
Ambrose also related that her fellow conservative MP Kelly Block turned to her quite confused , asking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” .
“ At that point I had to admit that I also had no idea who he was , ” added a baffled Ambrose .
Nina Roth , a tourist visiting from Manitoba , later explained what she witnessed on the Parliament grounds .
“ I was trying to take a picture of the building , but all of a sudden this wily man with pupils the size of toonies ran up to my camera.
” Once in Roth ’ s face Scheer reportedly asked “ if she had voted for him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I don ’ t know who you are ” .
Scheer then walked directly into oncoming traffic , he was nearly hit by a 1995 Mazda Miata .
The driver later explained “ I got out to see if this man was well , but he kept laughing and saying ‘ I lost , why am I still here ?
Do you know me ? '
” .
“ And I didn ’ t know him .
It was sad , ” added the driver .
Reports soon flooded in of Scheer being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ obtained a guitar .
Witnesses say he had begun busking , attempting to play The Tragically Hip ’ s ‘ Ahead By A Century ’ .
Before he began the song each time Scheer would say “ This is for you Harper , I ’ m sorry , ” to the baffled crowd of gathered tourists .
The crowd soon spooked Scheer , and he dashed off again .
Scheer was later spotted along the Trans-Canada Highway .
Long haul trucker Travis Randy had pulled his 18 wheeler over at a rest spot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ home riding , where he heard something .
“ I was draining the main vein ya know , and I kept hearin ’ this creepy voice like that little girl from The Ring .
It kept repeating “ I lost the election… ” .
It creeped me right the fuck out.
” Authorities have received no official reports of Andrew Scheer since he “ remembered he lost an election ” , well over a year after it happened .
However some Canadians whisper that , like a Conservative Bigfoot , Scheer is said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for another election to lose .

OTTAWA, ON – This week in the House of Commons Andrew Scheer rose to question Prime Minister Trudeau, however eyewitnesses report that he instead muttered “Oh God, I just remembered I lost the election”, before frantically exiting the House of Commons.
Once the session was over Rona Ambrose described the spectacle to assembled reporters. “His eyes just glazed over for a full minute, like Raven-Symoné in That’s So Raven”. Ambrose also related that her fellow conservative MP Kelly Block turned to her quite confused, asking “Who was that terrified man?”.
“At that point I had to admit that I also had no idea who he was,” added a baffled Ambrose.
Nina Roth, a tourist visiting from Manitoba, later explained what she witnessed on the Parliament grounds. “I was trying to take a picture of the building, but all of a sudden this wily man with pupils the size of toonies ran up to my camera.” Once in Roth’s face Scheer reportedly asked “if she had voted for him”, to which she replied “I don’t know who you are”.
Scheer then walked directly into oncoming traffic, he was nearly hit by a 1995 Mazda Miata. The driver later explained “I got out to see if this man was well, but he kept laughing and saying ‘I lost, why am I still here? Do you know me?'”.
“And I didn’t know him. It was sad,” added the driver.
Reports soon flooded in of Scheer being spotted in Confederation Square, having somehow obtained a guitar. Witnesses say he had begun busking, attempting to play The Tragically Hip’s ‘Ahead By A Century’. Before he began the song each time Scheer would say “This is for you Harper, I’m sorry,” to the baffled crowd of gathered tourists. The crowd soon spooked Scheer, and he dashed off again.
Scheer was later spotted along the Trans-Canada Highway. Long haul trucker Travis Randy had pulled his 18 wheeler over at a rest spot outside Regina Saskatchewan, Scheer’s home riding, where he heard something. “I was draining the main vein ya know, and I kept hearin’ this creepy voice like that little girl from The Ring. It kept repeating “I lost the election…”. It creeped me right the fuck out.”
Authorities have received no official reports of Andrew Scheer since he “remembered he lost an election”, well over a year after it happened.
However some Canadians whisper that, like a Conservative Bigfoot, Scheer is said to be lurking in the shadows waiting for another election to lose.


thebeaverton--2020-08-14--Democrats respond to Trump’s plans to destroy postal service by sending him strongly worded letter h

Democrats respond to Trump’s plans to destroy postal service by sending him strongly worded letter he will never receive

WASHINGTON , DC – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer have responded to President Donald Trump ’ s explicit threat to the US postal service by writing him a scathing letter which they sent to the president using the service he will dismantle before the letter can reach him .
“ The letter is even addressed to ‘ Dangerous Donald , ’ that ’ s how much we disagree with the president ’ s plan to kill our country ’ s mail system , ” Speaker Pelosi said in a press conference to announce the existence @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , by some miracle , he gets the letter , and if one of his aides is brave enough to read it to him , and if he ’ s actually listening and not distracted by a shiny object or buxom lady when the aide reads it to him , our anger will come through loud and clear.
” Trump , who is continuing a long Republican tradition of trying to eradicate the USPS , acknowledged yesterday that he is intentionally blocking funding to the popular service in order to make it harder @ @ @ @ @ @ @ He has also appointed a postmaster general , Louis DeJoy , who is sabotaging the service from within by causing massive delays through targeted mismanagement .
The Democratic leaders have voiced their displeasure at DeJoy ’ s appointment and job performance on page two of the letter which DeJoy ’ s efforts will ensure never reaches its destination .
“ We explain to the president in the letter that we know why he appointed someone who is invested heavily in private competitors to the post office and has a financial motive to destroy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ won ’ t get away with it.
” Schumer then added , “ He won ’ t get away with it in a moral sense , because obviously he will get away with it in a legal sense.
” While there are several elected Democratic who have expressed a desire to use all of their legislative powers to attempt to stop Trump or to at least bring more attention to his planned annihilation of the post office , the leadership of the Democratic Party is content to contain their outrage in the letter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ software has already lost track of .
When asked to explain the point of a letter Trump will likely never see because he ’ s razing the US mail service to the ground , Pelosi winked and said , “ we use red ink to symbolize blood .
And , this is the part that I ’ m most proud of , we end it without saying ‘ Best Regards.
’ ” Joe Biden , the Democratic Nominee for president , weighed in on the controversy by vowing that when he is president @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to decimate the postal service in a more bipartisan way , “ like the old days .
”

WASHINGTON, DC – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer have responded to President Donald Trump’s explicit threat to the US postal service by writing him a scathing letter which they sent to the president using the service he will dismantle before the letter can reach him.
“The letter is even addressed to ‘Dangerous Donald,’ that’s how much we disagree with the president’s plan to kill our country’s mail system,” Speaker Pelosi said in a press conference to announce the existence of the letter. “And if, by some miracle, he gets the letter, and if one of his aides is brave enough to read it to him, and if he’s actually listening and not distracted by a shiny object or buxom lady when the aide reads it to him, our anger will come through loud and clear.”
Trump, who is continuing a long Republican tradition of trying to eradicate the USPS, acknowledged yesterday that he is intentionally blocking funding to the popular service in order to make it harder for Americans to vote by mail. He has also appointed a postmaster general, Louis DeJoy, who is sabotaging the service from within by causing massive delays through targeted mismanagement. The Democratic leaders have voiced their displeasure at DeJoy’s appointment and job performance on page two of the letter which DeJoy’s efforts will ensure never reaches its destination.
“We explain to the president in the letter that we know why he appointed someone who is invested heavily in private competitors to the post office and has a financial motive to destroy this public service, and that he won’t get away with it.” Schumer then added, “He won’t get away with it in a moral sense, because obviously he will get away with it in a legal sense.”
While there are several elected Democratic who have expressed a desire to use all of their legislative powers to attempt to stop Trump or to at least bring more attention to his planned annihilation of the post office, the leadership of the Democratic Party is content to contain their outrage in the letter that the postal service’s tracing software has already lost track of.
When asked to explain the point of a letter Trump will likely never see because he’s razing the US mail service to the ground, Pelosi winked and said, “we use red ink to symbolize blood. And, this is the part that I’m most proud of, we end it without saying ‘Best Regards.’”
Joe Biden, the Democratic Nominee for president, weighed in on the controversy by vowing that when he is president, he will work with the Republicans to decimate the postal service in a more bipartisan way, “like the old days.”


thebeaverton--2020-08-14--550 Toronto men tell wives they are getting COVID tests “for no particular reason”

TORONTO – Following a Toronto Public Health advisory stating that an employee at the Brass Rail strip club tested positive for COVID-19 , 550 men have informed their wives that they have been thinking a lot about the importance of a robust testing strategy to combat the pandemic , and how maybe it might be worth it to go get tested “ just because ” .
“ I know I always said I didn ’ t want anything inserted that far up inside my body , ” stated local husband Noel Deakin told his wife Cheryl in reference to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ coronavirus .
“ I ’ ve just really had some time for my stance to evolve on this issue , and now I think it ’ s probably a good idea.
” “ No , you don ’ t need to come with me !
” he added .
While many Toronto husbands struggled to find the right way to explain their sudden interest in learning their COVID-19 status , a large percentage of this group already had plenty of experience justifying other kinds of rapid walk-in clinic tests .
“ I can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ making me go to the clinic AGAIN !
” announced local financial advisor Paul Howland in a loud performative voice .
His job does not currently require him to leave the house , interact with other people or undergo any kind of medical tests .
“ After all the long nights I ’ ve been putting in at the office lately , now they ’ re demanding THIS ?
” he exclaimed .
“ The things I do to support this family !
” In response to these local husbands ’ sudden plans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of their wives announced that they happened to have scheduled a visit from the repairman at the exact same time that their husbands would be out , “ just by coincidence .
”

TORONTO – Following a Toronto Public Health advisory stating that an employee at the Brass Rail strip club tested positive for COVID-19, 550 men have informed their wives that they have been thinking a lot about the importance of a robust testing strategy to combat the pandemic, and how maybe it might be worth it to go get tested “just because”.
“I know I always said I didn’t want anything inserted that far up inside my body,” stated local husband Noel Deakin told his wife Cheryl in reference to the nasal swab used to test for the coronavirus. “I’ve just really had some time for my stance to evolve on this issue, and now I think it’s probably a good idea.”
“No, you don’t need to come with me!” he added.
While many Toronto husbands struggled to find the right way to explain their sudden interest in learning their COVID-19 status, a large percentage of this group already had plenty of experience justifying other kinds of rapid walk-in clinic tests.
“I can’t believe that my job is making me go to the clinic AGAIN!” announced local financial advisor Paul Howland in a loud performative voice. His job does not currently require him to leave the house, interact with other people or undergo any kind of medical tests. “After all the long nights I’ve been putting in at the office lately, now they’re demanding THIS?” he exclaimed. “The things I do to support this family!”
In response to these local husbands’ sudden plans to go and get tested, many of their wives announced that they happened to have scheduled a visit from the repairman at the exact same time that their husbands would be out, “just by coincidence.”


thebeaverton--2020-08-14--Local man jonesing for raw thrill of touching fruit he’s not going to buy

OTTAWA – After almost half a year of self-isolating , social distancing , and mask-wearing , Ottawa local Grant Thompson confessed that the thing he misses most from his life before Covid was the all-consuming , visceral thrill of being able to pick up , inspect , and squeeze grocery store fruit that he never had any intention of buying .
Thompson , whose favourite pre-pandemic grocery store activities also included pressing his nose to cantaloupes to smell if they were ripe enough and stealing the occasional grape to eat like a common criminal , expressed just how much he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ peach fuzz and pineapple spikes under his yearning fingers .
“ Just you wait until the stores allow me to pick up nectarines willy-nilly again , ” he enthused .
“ I don ’ t even enjoy nectarines .
I just miss being able to touch them whenever I want and not worry about killing any grandmothers in the process .
The feeling is electric .
God , I miss it.
” “ I assume fruit touching happens in Stage 4 , right ?
” he continued , his desperation palpable .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the government has in mind .
I don ’ t know if I can take much more of this oppressive , puritanical grocery lifestyle.
” Gregory Jensen , a manager at Thompson ’ s local Loblaws , confirmed that he has fielded countless complaints throughout the pandemic from customers frustrated that they were no longer permitted to dig their virus-covered limbs into bags of cherries or squeeze all the avocados before realizing that none of them are ripe enough to purchase .
“ I have to admit , I get a certain thrill @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the entire fruit section , paralyzed with the knowledge that the carnal thrill of running their fingers over an apple or a pear is just out of their reach , ” he said .
Thompson explained that he has been coping with his pent-up need to touch things he ’ ll never buy by switching from fruit to plants in the Loblaws garden centre .
“ There ’ s nothing in the government rules that says I can ’ t run my fingers along the satiny petals of a petunia or two , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t cure the itch , but it ’ ll tide me over until I can get back to smelling the ol ’ cantaloupes again.
” At press time , Thompson had been banned from Loblaws after breaking down and diving into an entire barrel of watermelons .

OTTAWA – After almost half a year of self-isolating, social distancing, and mask-wearing, Ottawa local Grant Thompson confessed that the thing he misses most from his life before Covid was the all-consuming, visceral thrill of being able to pick up, inspect, and squeeze grocery store fruit that he never had any intention of buying.
Thompson, whose favourite pre-pandemic grocery store activities also included pressing his nose to cantaloupes to smell if they were ripe enough and stealing the occasional grape to eat like a common criminal, expressed just how much he craved the sweet, sweet feeling of peach fuzz and pineapple spikes under his yearning fingers.
“Just you wait until the stores allow me to pick up nectarines willy-nilly again,” he enthused. “I don’t even enjoy nectarines. I just miss being able to touch them whenever I want and not worry about killing any grandmothers in the process. The feeling is electric. God, I miss it.”
“I assume fruit touching happens in Stage 4, right?” he continued, his desperation palpable. “Please tell me that’s what the government has in mind. I don’t know if I can take much more of this oppressive, puritanical grocery lifestyle.”
Gregory Jensen, a manager at Thompson’s local Loblaws, confirmed that he has fielded countless complaints throughout the pandemic from customers frustrated that they were no longer permitted to dig their virus-covered limbs into bags of cherries or squeeze all the avocados before realizing that none of them are ripe enough to purchase.
“I have to admit, I get a certain thrill watching them hover their shaking hands over the entire fruit section, paralyzed with the knowledge that the carnal thrill of running their fingers over an apple or a pear is just out of their reach,” he said.
Thompson explained that he has been coping with his pent-up need to touch things he’ll never buy by switching from fruit to plants in the Loblaws garden centre.
“There’s nothing in the government rules that says I can’t run my fingers along the satiny petals of a petunia or two,” he argued. “It doesn’t cure the itch, but it’ll tide me over until I can get back to smelling the ol’ cantaloupes again.”
At press time, Thompson had been banned from Loblaws after breaking down and diving into an entire barrel of watermelons.


thebeaverton--2020-08-16--1994 film ‘The Mask’ cited as an example of the perils of masks

KITCHENER – The anti-mask group ‘ Hugs Over Masks ’ is using the 1994 Jim Carrey vehicle The Mask as an example of what can go wrong when people start wearing masks .
“ This documentary shows what happens when we listen to the so-called ‘ experts , ’ ” said Hugs over Masks spokesperson Vladislav Sovolad during a protest in Victoria Park .
“ You put one of these on your face and before you know it your face turns green , your teeth get big and in certain amorous situations your tongue gets so big , it unfurls @ @ @ @ @ @ @ film directed by Charles Russell , Carrey plays a mild-mannered bank employee named Stanley Ipkiss who finds a wooden mask that transforms him into an uninhibited cartoon character with a lust for life and seemingly unlimited powers .
“ The kind of person that a mask turns you into is not the kind of person we want in Canada , ” said Chris Saccoccia , another member of Hugs Over Masks .
“ It turns you into someone who is completely out of control and says ‘ smokin !
’ all the time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bad for public health.
” Saccoccia went on to give a presentation involving multiple bristol boards with images of the Batman villain Bane , the Nintendo game Majora ’ s Mask and the Sailor Moon character Tuxedo Mask .
For some , the anti-mask message Hugs Over Masks was trying to convey has had the opposite effect .
“ Hey , if I get to date Cameron Diaz , dance at the Coco Bongo night club and defuse a bomb , maybe I should wear a mask , ” said the previously mask-skeptical @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Premier Doug Ford strongly opposed Hugs Over Masks discouraging wearing masks in public places , he did concede that Son of the Mask , the 2005 sequel to The Mask starring Jamie Kennedy , was “ a bad movie that no one liked .
”

KITCHENER – The anti-mask group ‘Hugs Over Masks’ is using the 1994 Jim Carrey vehicle The Mask as an example of what can go wrong when people start wearing masks.
“This documentary shows what happens when we listen to the so-called ‘experts,’” said Hugs over Masks spokesperson Vladislav Sovolad during a protest in Victoria Park. “You put one of these on your face and before you know it your face turns green, your teeth get big and in certain amorous situations your tongue gets so big, it unfurls onto the table.”
In the fictional film directed by Charles Russell, Carrey plays a mild-mannered bank employee named Stanley Ipkiss who finds a wooden mask that transforms him into an uninhibited cartoon character with a lust for life and seemingly unlimited powers.
“The kind of person that a mask turns you into is not the kind of person we want in Canada,” said Chris Saccoccia, another member of Hugs Over Masks. “It turns you into someone who is completely out of control and says ‘smokin!’ all the time. And smoking is very unhealthy and bad for public health.” Saccoccia went on to give a presentation involving multiple bristol boards with images of the Batman villain Bane, the Nintendo game Majora’s Mask and the Sailor Moon character Tuxedo Mask.
For some, the anti-mask message Hugs Over Masks was trying to convey has had the opposite effect. “Hey, if I get to date Cameron Diaz, dance at the Coco Bongo night club and defuse a bomb, maybe I should wear a mask,” said the previously mask-skeptical Joseph Crocker of Newmarket. While Ontario Premier Doug Ford strongly opposed Hugs Over Masks discouraging wearing masks in public places, he did concede that Son of the Mask, the 2005 sequel to The Mask starring Jamie Kennedy, was “a bad movie that no one liked.”


thebeaverton--2020-08-18--Morneau claims he forgot to resign two years ago

OTTAWA – Finance Minister Bill Morneau has resigned after remembering that he was asked to do so some two years @ @ @ @ @ brief statement to the press after 26 months spent in a mental fog .
“ @ @ @ @ @ charity travel expenses that were paid to me , or the French villa that I @ @ @ @ @ recalled that I should have left this position years ago , ” said Morneau .
@ @ @ @ @ should have recused myself and am glad I am remembering this now.
” The Toronto @ @ @ @ @ has also realized that he is the owner of various companies , castles , and @ @ @ @ @ Wittelsbach Diamond .
He can also recall that he has a family and is an @ @ @ @ @ hope many people who are struggling during this pandemic understand how hard it is to @ @ @ @ @ money from so many people , ” said Morneau .
Morneau says he plans on @ @ @ @ @ by failing upwards .

OTTAWA – Finance Minister Bill Morneau has resigned after remembering that he was asked to do so some two years ago.
Morneau made a brief statement to the press after 26 months spent in a mental fog.
“Like the $41,000 WE charity travel expenses that were paid to me, or the French villa that I owned, I have suddenly recalled that I should have left this position years ago,” said Morneau. “In hindsight, I should have recused myself and am glad I am remembering this now.”
The Toronto Liberal MP says that he has also realized that he is the owner of various companies, castles, and the part owner of the Wittelsbach Diamond. He can also recall that he has a family and is an elected Parliamentarian.
“I hope many people who are struggling during this pandemic understand how hard it is to own and receive so much money from so many people,” said Morneau.
Morneau says he plans on continuing to serve his country by failing upwards.


thebeaverton--2020-08-17--Vancouver patios install scarecrows to ward off young people

VANCOUVER – Due to the recent spike in Covid-19 cases among people under 40 , Vancouver restaurants have resorted to installing scarecrows on their patios in hopes that it will deter the hoards of youths who continue to flock to their establishments .
“ When we got the go ahead to reopen we were ecstatic !
” said Keith McOrkin , manager of the bar HOT BABY .
“ But then young people started coming in droves .
We didn ’ t realize that letting a bunch of touch-deprived 20-somethings in an enclosed space with alcohol would cause so many @ @ @ @ @ @ @ drunken youths that are attracted to restaurant patios usually have a positive impact on the food service industry , the global pandemic has made this annual summer infestation a public heath issue .
Restaurant managers are hoping the scarecrows will spook young people into avoiding restaurants and send them scurrying back into their windowless basement apartments .
“ We tried banging pots and pans to scare them away but the noise ended up attracting them and it turned into a drum circle , ” McOrkin added , shaking off the harrowing memory .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ implementing other diversion methods such as making young people talk on the phone before entering , forcing them to be mean to servers , and setting large traps baited with avocado toast in corners and entryways .
While the scarecrows have been relatively effective at keeping away young customers , restaurants have found that their young servers are equally disturbed by their presence , so in addition to PPE many restaurants have made it mandatory for their staff to wear horse blinders to keep them from looking at the scary figures .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to work in the service industry , ” said Tanya Chen , server and young person .
“ In addition to worrying about my health , when my friends try to eat at my work I have to throw rocks at them to drive them away .
It ’ s haunting , the way they yell and yip.
” As COVID numbers climb among young people , older generations continue to urge youth to be more responsible by physical distancing , wearing masks , and having cushy well-paying jobs that don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and haven ’ t been available since 1995 .

VANCOUVER – Due to the recent spike in Covid-19 cases among people under 40, Vancouver restaurants have resorted to installing scarecrows on their patios in hopes that it will deter the hoards of youths who continue to flock to their establishments.
“When we got the go ahead to reopen we were ecstatic!” said Keith McOrkin, manager of the bar HOT BABY. “But then young people started coming in droves. We didn’t realize that letting a bunch of touch-deprived 20-somethings in an enclosed space with alcohol would cause so many problems!”
While the swarms of drunken youths that are attracted to restaurant patios usually have a positive impact on the food service industry, the global pandemic has made this annual summer infestation a public heath issue. Restaurant managers are hoping the scarecrows will spook young people into avoiding restaurants and send them scurrying back into their windowless basement apartments.
“We tried banging pots and pans to scare them away but the noise ended up attracting them and it turned into a drum circle,” McOrkin added, shaking off the harrowing memory.
Alongside scarecrows, restaurants and bars are implementing other diversion methods such as making young people talk on the phone before entering, forcing them to be mean to servers, and setting large traps baited with avocado toast in corners and entryways.
While the scarecrows have been relatively effective at keeping away young customers, restaurants have found that their young servers are equally disturbed by their presence, so in addition to PPE many restaurants have made it mandatory for their staff to wear horse blinders to keep them from looking at the scary figures.
“It’s an extremely stressful time to work in the service industry,” said Tanya Chen, server and young person. “In addition to worrying about my health, when my friends try to eat at my work I have to throw rocks at them to drive them away. It’s haunting, the way they yell and yip.”
As COVID numbers climb among young people, older generations continue to urge youth to be more responsible by physical distancing, wearing masks, and having cushy well-paying jobs that don’t require them to interact with the public and haven’t been available since 1995.


thebeaverton--2020-08-17--CFL cancels season after potential exposure to Winnipeg

WINNIPEG – CFL Commissioner Randy Ambrosie announced that there will be no 2020 Canadian Football Season stating that the risk @ @ @ @ @ being exposed to Winnipeg .
“ The safety of our players and the public comes @ @ @ @ @ morose Ambrosie .
“ We consulted our team doctors and epidemiologists , and they advised @ @ @ @ @ even breathing within 2 meters of Winnipeg .
This is not worth the risk , @ @ @ @ @ Biosafety experts who surveyed the city were initially optimistic that Winnipeg was a hospitable place @ @ @ @ @ but felt there was not enough adequate protection from the Manitoba capital after losing a @ @ @ @ @ pedestrian walkway .
Another was lost trying to cross at Portage and Main .
“ @ @ @ @ @ is a serious outbreak of Winnipeg throughout Canada , ” explained Saskatchewan Roughriders head coach @ @ @ @ @ would be a nightmare situation where one or more of our talented players ends up @ @ @ @

WINNIPEG – CFL Commissioner Randy Ambrosie announced that there will be no 2020 Canadian Football Season stating that the risk is too high for players being exposed to Winnipeg.
“The safety of our players and the public comes first,” said a morose Ambrosie. “We consulted our team doctors and epidemiologists, and they advised against anyone playing football or even breathing within 2 meters of Winnipeg.
This is not worth the risk,” added the Commissioner.
Biosafety experts who surveyed the city were initially optimistic that Winnipeg was a hospitable place to host the season, but felt there was not enough adequate protection from the Manitoba capital after losing a team member inside the dystopian-like pedestrian walkway. Another was lost trying to cross at Portage and Main.
“The last thing we want is a serious outbreak of Winnipeg throughout Canada,” explained Saskatchewan Roughriders head coach Craig Dickenson. “It would be a nightmare situation where one or more of our talented players ends up living there.”


thebeaverton--2020-08-17--Highlights of Andrew Scheer’s tenure as Conservative Party Leader

As Andrew Scheer enters his final week as leader of The Conservative Party of Canada we thought it was only @ @ @ @ @ his three years as opposition leader .
Here are our picks for the best moments @ @ @ @ @ term : Good luck with your next adventure Andrew !

As Andrew Scheer enters his final week as leader of The Conservative Party of Canada we thought it was only appropriate to look back on his three years as opposition leader. Here are our picks for the best moments from Mr. Scheer’s term:
Good luck with your next adventure Andrew!