thebeaverton--2020-02-17--Potential employer failing to grasp how rad face tattoo is

LANGLEY , BC — Gerald Dyna has been passed over for a fleet associate position at Hertz Rental after the store manager could not grasp just how cool it was that he had a spider permanently drawn on his right cheek .
“ He said it wasn ’ t a gang thing but honestly that just made me more concerned , ” said potential boss Katie Briggs .
“ That would at least demonstrate he had strong teamwork skills.
” The crazy wicked arachnid tattoo is just the first phase of a more elaborate collage that will eventually cover most @ @ @ @ @ @ @ During job interviews Dyna has repeatedly mentioned that the final will piece will be “ less about spiders and more an allegory for motherhood ” .
“ I know that tattoos are important in some cultures , and members of those cultures can face discrimination , ” said Dyna .
“ But those are not my culture .
I ’ m just a white dude with a totally sick drawing of a spider on my face.
” Recently , Dyna ’ s face tattoo has prevented him from being hired for a variety @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , stock photo model , and children ’ s party entertainer .
Dyna was also not hired to be a bike messenger , namely because he didn ’ t have enough face tattoos .
Tired of missing out on job opportunities Dyna has decided to have the face tattoo lasered off , which is how he describes the process of covering the spider image with a larger , more colourful tattoo of a laser gun .

LANGLEY, BC — Gerald Dyna has been passed over for a fleet associate position at Hertz Rental after the store manager could not grasp just how cool it was that he had a spider permanently drawn on his right cheek.
“He said it wasn’t a gang thing but honestly that just made me more concerned,” said potential boss Katie Briggs. “That would at least demonstrate he had strong teamwork skills.”
The crazy wicked arachnid tattoo is just the first phase of a more elaborate collage that will eventually cover most of Dyna’s whole body. During job interviews Dyna has repeatedly mentioned that the final will piece will be “less about spiders and more an allegory for motherhood”.
“I know that tattoos are important in some cultures, and members of those cultures can face discrimination,” said Dyna. “But those are not my culture. I’m just a white dude with a totally sick drawing of a spider on my face.”
Recently, Dyna’s face tattoo has prevented him from being hired for a variety of other positions, including fry cook, stock photo model, and children’s party entertainer. Dyna was also not hired to be a bike messenger, namely because he didn’t have enough face tattoos.
Tired of missing out on job opportunities Dyna has decided to have the face tattoo lasered off, which is how he describes the process of covering the spider image with a larger, more colourful tattoo of a laser gun.


thebeaverton--2020-02-18--New Ontario license plates passed rigorous testing by drug dealers in unlit parking lot

TORONTO – The Ontario Minister of Government Services Lisa Thompson responded to critics of the new unreadable Ontario license plate by saying that they were rigorously tested at the Queensway parking lot between a Red Lobster and a derelict convenience store .
“ The premier had a hand-selected group of local experts test the new plate in real-world situations , ” said the minister .
“ We are confident in their results.
” The head of ergonomic design and hash distribution , identified as Gord , quoted his research saying , “ This plate fully meets our needs .
We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the lot and not one cop could spot it.
” The team of distinguished analysts was shocked at the suggestion that they were selected for this task force due to connections to Premier Doug Ford .
“ I wasn ’ t even born when Dougie was slinging hash around here , ” replied Gord .
“ Back then he was running the street with my old man , god rest his soul .
Personally , I have only met him once at a fundraiser for his brother in a basement in Scarborough.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ controversy that the blue background is unsubtle political advertising for the Conservative Party .
“ Favouring one party over another would be unethical !
” said another researcher while stashing a bag of crystal meth in his pocket .
“ We recommended the blue because it ’ s low-contrast with the white .
It ’ s all in the report we submitted to Deco Labels and Tags.
” The researchers confirmed that further tests were nearing completion as they ran down unsuspecting pedestrians while bystanders were unable to record plate numbers for the @ @

TORONTO – The Ontario Minister of Government Services Lisa Thompson responded to critics of the new unreadable Ontario license plate by saying that they were rigorously tested at the Queensway parking lot between a Red Lobster and a derelict convenience store.
“The premier had a hand-selected group of local experts test the new plate in real-world situations,” said the minister. “We are confident in their results.”
The head of ergonomic design and hash distribution, identified as Gord, quoted his research saying, “This plate fully meets our needs. We parked an ‘86 Camaro overnight in the lot and not one cop could spot it.”
The team of distinguished analysts was shocked at the suggestion that they were selected for this task force due to connections to Premier Doug Ford.
“I wasn’t even born when Dougie was slinging hash around here,” replied Gord. “Back then he was running the street with my old man, god rest his soul. Personally, I have only met him once at a fundraiser for his brother in a basement in Scarborough.”
He paused, eyes glistening. “I miss Rob.”
The testing team also played down the controversy that the blue background is unsubtle political advertising for the Conservative Party.
“Favouring one party over another would be unethical!” said another researcher while stashing a bag of crystal meth in his pocket. “We recommended the blue because it’s low-contrast with the white. It’s all in the report we submitted to Deco Labels and Tags.”
The researchers confirmed that further tests were nearing completion as they ran down unsuspecting pedestrians while bystanders were unable to record plate numbers for the police.


thebeaverton--2020-02-18--TTC unveils new elite fare enforcement SWAT team

TORONTO – As part of the war against fare evaders the TTC unveiled its new elite unit of fare enforcers .
“ Each member of our unit , codenamed the Red Rocket Berets , has extensive training in weapons , espionage , interrogation and of course , hand to hand combat , ” said TTC spokesperson Martin O ’ Brien .
“ So the next time you think about saving that $ 3.25 , get ready to find yourself going toe to toe with the best mercenaries your tax dollars can buy.
” “ They ’ re trained to shoot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Presto card later , ” he added .
Though fare evasion rates remain low , that hasn ’ t stopped the TTC from launching a massive campaign to try to crackdown on people who dare to use a subsidized public service for free .
First there was the ad campaign , then an increase in fare evasion tickets , and now unleashing heavily armed operatives onto streetcars and subways hoping to find someone to “ make their day.
” “ Sure the tank we provided them may not seem useful in collecting money @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to pay their fare , but trust me , it ’ s great for PR , ” said O ’ Brien .
Several citizens have expressed concern that , given the unfortunate history of toronto transit and police officers using force against unarmed civilians on the ttc , this increase in hostile tactics may result in further violence .
To which the TTC has responded ‘ yes.
’ At press time the Swat team ’ s armoured tank had accidentally driven down the tunnel at St. Clair West Station .
As a result @ @ @ @ @ @ @ day , but shuttle buses are operating provided you PAY YOUR FARE !

TORONTO – As part of the war against fare evaders the TTC unveiled its new elite unit of fare enforcers.
“Each member of our unit, codenamed the Red Rocket Berets, has extensive training in weapons, espionage, interrogation and of course, hand to hand combat,” said TTC spokesperson Martin O’Brien. “So the next time you think about saving that $3.25, get ready to find yourself going toe to toe with the best mercenaries your tax dollars can buy.”
“They’re trained to shoot first, ask if you tapped your Presto card later,” he added.
Though fare evasion rates remain low, that hasn’t stopped the TTC from launching a massive campaign to try to crackdown on people who dare to use a subsidized public service for free. First there was the ad campaign, then an increase in fare evasion tickets, and now unleashing heavily armed operatives onto streetcars and subways hoping to find someone to “make their day.”
“Sure the tank we provided them may not seem useful in collecting money from people who may have honestly forgotten to pay their fare, but trust me, it’s great for PR,” said O’Brien.
Several citizens have expressed concern that, given the unfortunate history of toronto transit and police officers using force against unarmed civilians on the ttc, this increase in hostile tactics may result in further violence. To which the TTC has responded ‘yes.’
At press time the Swat team’s armoured tank had accidentally driven down the tunnel at St. Clair West Station. As a result there would be no subway service all day, but shuttle buses are operating provided you PAY YOUR FARE!


thebeaverton--2020-02-18--Frustrated CN execs complain blockades have delayed dozens of oil tanker derailments

SASKATOON – Executives at CN have demanded the federal government take immediate action against protesters so it can resume derailing oil tankers .
The train-wreck industry , a vital component of the Canadian economy , has been hit hard by the blockades in support of the Wet ’ suwet ’ en protests over the construction of the Coastal Gaslink pipeline .
“ There are hundreds of double hull oil tankers that are literally sitting in the yards unruptured from a catastrophic collision caused by a broken track , ” said a high ranking official with Canadian National Railway .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cartwheel off the tracks and explode somewhere in Northern Ontario , but the untouched river and forest may never get its shipment of crude .
It ’ s a shame.
” Emergency response personnel who specialize in derailments , chemical spills , and other hazardous material containment remain idle with nothing to do .
Canada ’ s largest railway also said that delays have also been preventing planned spills of grain , potash , coal , and anything else a freight train can carry .
“ I can ’ t ship my grain @ @ @ @ @ @ @ else ’ s grain field , ” said a Saskatchewan farmer .
“ Have the protesters not considered our exhausted train engineers who will no longer have to work 18 hours straight and miss a couple of signals ?
” said the CN official .
“ Or the dangerous working conditions that our teamsters can no longer experience because they ’ re out of work ?
” However , CN executives are confident that the dispute can be resolved so it can resume spilling its contents on unceded Indigenous territory .

SASKATOON – Executives at CN have demanded the federal government take immediate action against protesters so it can resume derailing oil tankers.
The train-wreck industry, a vital component of the Canadian economy, has been hit hard by the blockades in support of the Wet’suwet’en protests over the construction of the Coastal Gaslink pipeline.
“There are hundreds of double hull oil tankers that are literally sitting in the yards unruptured from a catastrophic collision caused by a broken track,” said a high ranking official with Canadian National Railway. “33 of the containers were scheduled to cartwheel off the tracks and explode somewhere in Northern Ontario, but the untouched river and forest may never get its shipment of crude. It’s a shame.”
Emergency response personnel who specialize in derailments, chemical spills, and other hazardous material containment remain idle with nothing to do.
Canada’s largest railway also said that delays have also been preventing planned spills of grain, potash, coal, and anything else a freight train can carry.
“I can’t ship my grain for CN to dump all over someone else’s grain field,” said a Saskatchewan farmer.
“Have the protesters not considered our exhausted train engineers who will no longer have to work 18 hours straight and miss a couple of signals?” said the CN official. “Or the dangerous working conditions that our teamsters can no longer experience because they’re out of work?”
However, CN executives are confident that the dispute can be resolved so it can resume spilling its contents on unceded Indigenous territory.


thebeaverton--2020-02-19--Indebted Bombardier sells off its politicians

MONTREAL – Bombardier Inc announced today that it will be selling a portion of its MPs , MNAs , and local politicians to help cover its $ 9.3 billion debt .
“ We have a large amount of infrastructure and stock in our political division , ” said Bombardier Alain M. Bellemare .
“ It has been very profitable for us , but our endeavours of failing without consequences and increased competition in the subsidy industry has caught up with us.
” At least 50 elected officials have been acquired by French train maker Alstom where they will use Bombardier @ @ @ @ @ @ @ executive bonuses .
Bellemare walked through a large hangar showcasing various federal , provincial , and municipal officials featuring impressive capabilities like convincing everyone Bombardier is Quebec ’ s only employer .
“ The P Series can reach financial support speeds of up to $ 5,000 per minute , ” said Bellemare about an MNA scribbling out cheques to Bombardier .
“ But Boeing ’ s model , the Congressman , can do it three times faster .
We just can ’ t compete with that kind of corporate welfare , even in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his US competitor designed aviation technology that kills its passengers like the Boeing 737 Max , yet the American giant continues to out-subsidize its Canadian competition .
“ Our government funded aviation products were safe , ” insisted the CEO , “ because they would never be delivered .
”

MONTREAL – Bombardier Inc announced today that it will be selling a portion of its MPs, MNAs, and local politicians to help cover its $9.3 billion debt.
“We have a large amount of infrastructure and stock in our political division,” said Bombardier Alain M. Bellemare. “It has been very profitable for us, but our endeavours of failing without consequences and increased competition in the subsidy industry has caught up with us.”
At least 50 elected officials have been acquired by French train maker Alstom where they will use Bombardier’s technology to develop cutting edge executive bonuses.
Bellemare walked through a large hangar showcasing various federal, provincial, and municipal officials featuring impressive capabilities like convincing everyone Bombardier is Quebec’s only employer.
“The P Series can reach financial support speeds of up to $5,000 per minute,” said Bellemare about an MNA scribbling out cheques to Bombardier. “But Boeing’s model, the Congressman, can do it three times faster. We just can’t compete with that kind of corporate welfare, even in La Belle Province.”
Bellemare bitterly explained his US competitor designed aviation technology that kills its passengers like the Boeing 737 Max, yet the American giant continues to out-subsidize its Canadian competition.
“Our government funded aviation products were safe,” insisted the CEO, “because they would never be delivered.”


thebeaverton--2020-02-19--Biden intends to die as he lived; thwarting universal healthcare

Wilmington , Delaware – At a campaign event former Vice President Joe Biden re-affirmed that despite his old age he would keep fighting for the one thing he believed in , that unlike all other developed nations Americans should not have universal access to healthcare .
“ I ’ ve heard a lot of people say that I ’ m too old , that I shouldn ’ t be running for the democratic nomination , ” bellowed Joe Biden , facing away from the audience .
“ To them I say , I can be just as harmful to health @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
I ’ m looking at you Buttigieg ” The former senator and vice president is using excuses he has developed over his decades long career to try to stop democrats from voting for a pro healthcare candidate including “ How would you pay for it ?
” , “ it would inconvenience the small amount of Americans with comprehensive union coverage ” and telling a long rambling story filled with obscure 1950 ’ s colloquialisms like buster , buckaroo and ‘ filthy rat loving dog catcher ’ “ I respect Joe Biden @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him to look at his legislative record and rest on his laurels of not passing healthcare , not passing gun control and not ending the war in Iraq.
” said primary voter Simon Monterey “ But not good ol ’ Joe , he ’ s always striving to not do more.
” In an effort to solidify himself as the preeminent anti-healthcare candidate , Trump has begun stating in interviews that Hunter Biden was actually in Ukraine in order to import universal healthcare .
Joe Biden has viciously denied that claim , stating @ @ @ @ @ @ @ doing it and I damn sure wouldn ’ t let my son do it.
” With the extensive travel and long hours of a primary campaign many are worried about Biden ’ s health but fortunately , because he was in a federal position for over 5 years , he is completely covered under the Federal Employees Health Benefits .

Wilmington, Delaware – At a campaign event former Vice President Joe Biden re-affirmed that despite his old age he would keep fighting for the one thing he believed in, that unlike all other developed nations Americans should not have universal access to healthcare.
“I’ve heard a lot of people say that I’m too old, that I shouldn’t be running for the democratic nomination,” bellowed Joe Biden, facing away from the audience. “To them I say, I can be just as harmful to health care reform as someone half my age. I’m looking at you Buttigieg”
The former senator and vice president is using excuses he has developed over his decades long career to try to stop democrats from voting for a pro healthcare candidate including “How would you pay for it?”, “it would inconvenience the small amount of Americans with comprehensive union coverage” and telling a long rambling story filled with obscure 1950’s colloquialisms like buster, buckaroo and ‘filthy rat loving dog catcher’
“I respect Joe Biden, it would be really easy for him to look at his legislative record and rest on his laurels of not passing healthcare, not passing gun control and not ending the war in Iraq.” said primary voter Simon Monterey “But not good ol’ Joe, he’s always striving to not do more.”
In an effort to solidify himself as the preeminent anti-healthcare candidate, Trump has begun stating in interviews that Hunter Biden was actually in Ukraine in order to import universal healthcare. Joe Biden has viciously denied that claim, stating “I tried to stop Obama from doing it and I damn sure wouldn’t let my son do it.”
With the extensive travel and long hours of a primary campaign many are worried about Biden’s health but fortunately, because he was in a federal position for over 5 years, he is completely covered under the Federal Employees Health Benefits.


thebeaverton--2020-02-20--Roger Stone sentenced to wait several days for presidential pardon

WASHINGTON , DC – After being found guilty of seven counts of lying to Congress , obstruction and witness tampering , Trump adviser Roger Stone has been sentenced to prison for up to several days before he will be pardoned .
“ Roger Stone personally threatened the judge who was presiding over his case , lied to the FBI , and tried to prevent a witness from testifying to Congress , ” explained political analyst Kristen Horner .
“ Our justice system demands that he serve just enough time in jail so that we ’ ll have moved on to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gets pardoned.
” In her explanation of the sentence , Judge Amy Berman Jackson stated that she expects “ this will surely be a lesson to Mr. Stone – and political cheats everywhere – that you can expect to suffer brutal hours or even days worth of consequences for blatant crimes committed in the name of the president before that same president uses his power to let you off the hook.
” Federal prosecutors in Stone ’ s case initially recommended a sentence of seven to nine years , but Trump and his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ interests of justice , crimes against the foundation of the American political system shouldn ’ t warrant more than a weekend without TV .
Stone attended his sentencing sporting his trademark pinstripe suit and round spectacles but was forced to leave his umbrella that shoots knives outside the courtroom .

WASHINGTON, DC – After being found guilty of seven counts of lying to Congress, obstruction and witness tampering, Trump adviser Roger Stone has been sentenced to prison for up to several days before he will be pardoned.
“Roger Stone personally threatened the judge who was presiding over his case, lied to the FBI, and tried to prevent a witness from testifying to Congress,” explained political analyst Kristen Horner. “Our justice system demands that he serve just enough time in jail so that we’ll have moved on to another news cycle by the time he gets pardoned.”
In her explanation of the sentence, Judge Amy Berman Jackson stated that she expects “this will surely be a lesson to Mr. Stone – and political cheats everywhere – that you can expect to suffer brutal hours or even days worth of consequences for blatant crimes committed in the name of the president before that same president uses his power to let you off the hook.”
Federal prosecutors in Stone’s case initially recommended a sentence of seven to nine years, but Trump and his Justice Department officials insisted that in the interests of justice, crimes against the foundation of the American political system shouldn’t warrant more than a weekend without TV.
Stone attended his sentencing sporting his trademark pinstripe suit and round spectacles but was forced to leave his umbrella that shoots knives outside the courtroom.


thebeaverton--2020-02-20--Aides restrain Trudeau to prevent him resolving Wet’suwet’en blockade with “perfect costume”

OTTAWA — As Wet ’ suwet ’ en railway blockades across Canada continue with no end in sight , PMO aides have reportedly been forced to physically restrain Prime Minister Trudeau to stop him from delving into his costume chest in an attempt to aid negotiations .
Sources report that Trudeau has repeatedly offered to “ play dress up ” as an olive branch to the Wet ’ suwet ’ en protestors .
Insiders claim Trudeau has repeatedly insisted , “ I have an outfit the hereditary chiefs will love , right here in my tickle trunk !
” Staffers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tickle trunk ” somewhere high up in the Peace Tower in order to thwart the costume-loving Prime Minister .
“ But he just keeps finding it , ” added one frustrated aide .
In addition , until the Wet ’ suwet ’ en blockades can be negotiated to a close , the Prime Minister has been sequestered in his Parliament Hill office with no access to any clothing more flamboyant than his standard brightly-coloured socks .
Political observers point to Trudeau ’ s history of negotiating while wearing “ themed costumes ” as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ suwet ’ en pipeline protest .
Aides recall talking Trudeau out of donning a yellow safety vest during last year ’ s protests , “ to be part of the fun ” .
Even more infamous were the PM ’ s costume choices during an official trip to India , as well as his recently-discovered use of blackface to “ fit in ” to an overtly racist high school project .
“ He keeps insisting that this outfit will solve everything , ” explained one beleagured assistant , as they hid a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him if he sticks to suits and ties all year then he gets a treat on Halloween , but no sooner.
” At press time Prime Minister is at large , having reportedly escaped from his office by posing as a moustachioed custodian with a questionable accent .

OTTAWA — As Wet’suwet’en railway blockades across Canada continue with no end in sight, PMO aides have reportedly been forced to physically restrain Prime Minister Trudeau to stop him from delving into his costume chest in an attempt to aid negotiations.
Sources report that Trudeau has repeatedly offered to “play dress up” as an olive branch to the Wet’suwet’en protestors. Insiders claim Trudeau has repeatedly insisted, “I have an outfit the hereditary chiefs will love, right here in my tickle trunk!”
Staffers have reportedly hidden Trudeau’s “tickle trunk” somewhere high up in the Peace Tower in order to thwart the costume-loving Prime Minister. “But he just keeps finding it,” added one frustrated aide.
In addition, until the Wet’suwet’en blockades can be negotiated to a close, the Prime Minister has been sequestered in his Parliament Hill office with no access to any clothing more flamboyant than his standard brightly-coloured socks.
Political observers point to Trudeau’s history of negotiating while wearing “themed costumes” as a reason for caution during the Wet’suwet’en pipeline protest. Aides recall talking Trudeau out of donning a yellow safety vest during last year’s protests, “to be part of the fun”. Even more infamous were the PM’s costume choices during an official trip to India, as well as his recently-discovered use of blackface to “fit in” to an overtly racist high school project.
“He keeps insisting that this outfit will solve everything,” explained one beleagured assistant, as they hid a Coachella-style feathered headdress. “We told him if he sticks to suits and ties all year then he gets a treat on Halloween, but no sooner.”
At press time Prime Minister is at large, having reportedly escaped from his office by posing as a moustachioed custodian with a questionable accent.


thebeaverton--2020-02-20--Tim Horton’s changes Roll Up The Rim to Russian Roulette

TORONTO – In a press conference unveiling the next step in their famous annual giveaway , Tim Horton ’ s has announced they will be officially changing the contest from Roll Up The Rim to Russian Roulette .
President Alex Macedo excitedly told reporters about their switch from the tried and true methods of contesting , to the high-octane , adrenaline pumping bloodsport it was “ always meant to be ” .
“ We ’ ve quality tested this with dozens of focus groups made up of our minimum wage labourers and temporary foreign workers , ” Macedo triumphantly stated @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out of six contestants were happy with the new method , repeatedly thanking god and crying tears of joy.
” Players to the new game will be handed a revolver and a red bandana with purchase of any medium-sized or larger hot drink , and encouraged by multiple armed Tim Horton ’ s enforcers to engage with the customer behind them .
“ I… I just ” , murmured Lethbridge native and recent winner Helen Adams “ It… it was him or me and… and I… God I don ’ t even know @ @ @ @ @ @ @ won this…glazed donut.
” Adams then burst into hysterical screams and tears .
“ Yeah , I don ’ t think this is the way to go , ” claimed an anonymous Tim Horton ’ s employee .
“ It ’ s a horrible , appalling and horrifying experience .
But I guess it can ’ t be worse than drinking the coffee here.
” In efforts to restructure their company , Tim Horton ’ s is also reportedly considering reinstating paid breaks for service workers by pitting all of a branch in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ seeing who wants it the most .

TORONTO – In a press conference unveiling the next step in their famous annual giveaway, Tim Horton’s has announced they will be officially changing the contest from Roll Up The Rim to Russian Roulette.
President Alex Macedo excitedly told reporters about their switch from the tried and true methods of contesting, to the high-octane, adrenaline pumping bloodsport it was “always meant to be”.
“We’ve quality tested this with dozens of focus groups made up of our minimum wage labourers and temporary foreign workers,” Macedo triumphantly stated, “And we discovered that five out of six contestants were happy with the new method, repeatedly thanking god and crying tears of joy.”
Players to the new game will be handed a revolver and a red bandana with purchase of any medium-sized or larger hot drink, and encouraged by multiple armed Tim Horton’s enforcers to engage with the customer behind them.
“I… I just”, murmured Lethbridge native and recent winner Helen Adams “It… it was him or me and… and I… God I don’t even know his name. But at least… I-I won this…glazed donut.” Adams then burst into hysterical screams and tears.
“Yeah, I don’t think this is the way to go,” claimed an anonymous Tim Horton’s employee. “It’s a horrible, appalling and horrifying experience. But I guess it can’t be worse than drinking the coffee here.”
In efforts to restructure their company, Tim Horton’s is also reportedly considering reinstating paid breaks for service workers by pitting all of a branch in a ring, dropping one knife and seeing who wants it the most.


thebeaverton--2020-02-20--Peter MacKay deletes tweet praising “military victory” during Oka Crisis

OTTAWA – Conservative Party leadership candidate Peter MacKay hastily deleted another tweet which praised Canada ’ s heroic “ military @ @ @ @ @ Quebec in 1990 .
“ Our brave boys sacrificed everything for that golf course extension @ @ @ @ @ his search-and-rescue helicopter .
“ They fought tooth-and-nail and never ran away from a fight.
@ @ @ @ @ praised vigilante action against railway blockades in another deleted tweet , said that the violent @ @ @ @ @ 78 days was resolved “ quickly with no consequences and everyone was happy.
” According @ @ @ @ @ ahead in the polls for leader of a heavily armed anti-government militia in the Deep @ @

OTTAWA – Conservative Party leadership candidate Peter MacKay hastily deleted another tweet which praised Canada’s heroic “military victory” at Oka, Quebec in 1990.
“Our brave boys sacrificed everything for that golf course extension,” tweeted MacKay from his search-and-rescue helicopter. “They fought tooth-and-nail and never ran away from a fight.”
MacKay, who recently praised vigilante action against railway blockades in another deleted tweet, said that the violent exercise of colonialism that lasted 78 days was resolved “quickly with no consequences and everyone was happy.”
According to sources, MacKay was ahead in the polls for leader of a heavily armed anti-government militia in the Deep South.


thebeaverton--2020-02-21--Commuters warned not to retrieve items dropped on subway tracks unless it’s your phone in which case

Commuters warned not to retrieve items dropped on subway tracks unless it’s your phone in which case fair enough

TORONTO — TTC subway passengers are being warned never to attempt to reach for personal articles that have fallen onto the subway tracks , unless it ’ s their cell phone because how are you just going to leave that there ?
“ Rider safety is our number one concern , ” explained TTC head of track safety Mark Gormman .
“ We understand the temptation to try and brave the tracks to get back a lost wallet or set of house keys , but it ’ s just not worth the risk – unlike for say a new iPhone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 900 .
What are you going to do , leave it there to possibly get run over ?
” “ You can probably make it in time , ” added Gormman .
The Toronto Transit Commission is warning rides of several track level dangers , including oncoming trains , filthy uneven tracks , and of course the electrified third rail .
“ All dangers that completely pale next to losing your phone filled with all your apps , passwords , and personal photos , ” explained Gormman .
“ And if you have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even having this discussion ?
Go !
Go !
Go !
” The TTC officially reminded phone-retrieving riders that there is only a one in three chance of touching the electrified rail , and that they can also probably avoid an oncoming train by jumping to the other tracks .
TTC Security guard Jeff Arnbold recounted one such experience .
“ I saw some guy jump down onto the tracks and I was so angry , until I realized he was going after that new facial recognition iPhone , and that ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the guard added , “ the fine he paid was way less than say evading a TTC fare.
” Despite numerous posted signs advising customers to call security to retrieve any items that have fallen to track level , TTC protocol specifically carves out a clause for any smartphone , Apple Watch , or in some extreme cases , “ like a Nintendo Switch , or something ” .
The TTC also reminds riders that it ’ s only like 4 or 5 feet to get down to the tracks , and some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back up on the platform anyway .
While the TTC urges riders to stay off the tracks , not just for their personal safety but for the risk of causing significant travel delays for the entire subway line , they warn even more strongly about the delays you will experience from a lost phone .
“ How the hell would you even function in the year 2020 without your phone , ” asked an exasperated Gormman .
“ I can ’ t even make it from Pape Station down to the Ex without @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your entire day would be absolutely fucked.
” At press time the TTC was experiencing major service disruptions , leaving you with even more time to get down there and get your phone quick !
Hurry !

TORONTO — Subway passengers are being warned never to attempt to reach for personal articles that have fallen onto the subway tracks, unless it’s their cell phone because how are you just going to leave that there?
Speaking out on the matter is Mark Gormman, head of track safety at Toronto’s independent Transit Safety Council. “Rider safety is our number one concern, and nobody wants anyone to get hurt on the subway tracks,” insisted Gormman. “We understand the temptation to try and brave the tracks to get back a lost wallet or set of house keys, but it’s just not worth the risk – unlike for say a new iPhone 11, which costs at least $900. What are you going to do, leave it there to possibly get run over?”
“You can probably make it in time,” added Gormman.
The Toronto Transit Commission has consistently warned riders of track level dangers, including oncoming trains, filthy uneven tracks, and of course the electrified third rail. “All dangers that completely pale next to losing your phone filled with all your apps, passwords, and personal photos,” explained the Transit Safety Council’s Gormman. “And if you have nudes on there, why are we even having this discussion? Go! Go! Go!”
Gormman also reminded phone-retrieving riders that there is only a one in three chance of touching the electrified rail, and that they can also probably avoid an oncoming train by jumping to the other tracks.
Local subway passenger Jeff Arnbold recounted one such experience. “I saw some guy jump down onto the tracks and I was so angry, until I realized he was going after that new facial recognition iPhone, and that’s so sick.”
“Plus,” the guard added, “the fine he paid was way less than say evading a TTC fare.”
Despite numerous posted signs advising customers to call security to retrieve any items that have fallen to track level, the Transit Safety Council has proposed carving out a clause for any smartphone, Apple Watch, or in some extreme cases, “like a Nintendo Switch, or something”. Reached for comment, a TTC spokesperson responded, “What the hell are you talking about? Stay off the damn tracks!”
While the Gormman and the Transit Safety Council also urge riders to stay off the tracks, not just for their personal safety but for the risk of causing significant travel delays for the entire subway line, they warn even more strongly about the delays you will experience from a lost phone.
“How the hell would you even function in the year 2020 without your phone,” asked an exasperated Gormman. “I can’t even make it from Pape Station down to the Ex without using Google Maps. Without your phone your entire day would be absolutely fucked.”
At press time the TTC was experiencing major service disruptions, leaving you with even more time to get down there and get your phone quick! Hurry!


thebeaverton--2020-02-21--Analysis: Are quarantined passengers adequately protected from Cornwall?

CORNWALL , ON – Passengers repatriated from the Diamond Princess cruise ship arrived in Cornwall this morning , though many experts worry that the quarantined passengers are not being properly protected from the horrors of boredom synonymous with the Canadian city .
“ Our hope is that you are relieved and uplifted to be on Canadian soil , ” said the mayor in a statement to the press .
“ Unfortunately , that soil happens to be in Cornwall .
But to quote our city ’ s motto : ‘ Beggars can ’ t be choosers.
’ ” “ When @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to be quarantined for a coronavirus outbreak , I thought ‘ This sucks , ’ but then our flight arrived in Trenton .
The jewel of Quinte West !
I was so excited !
But our vacation in Trenton was cut short when we were bused into Cornwall , ” lamented an anonymous passenger .
“ If only it had been Prescott instead.
” “ We are uncertain as how the lingering smell of rotten eggs affects those in quarantine , but we can ’ t say that it has an uplifting effect @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Some passengers aboard the cruise ship were confined to rooms without windows which did not help the state of their mental health .
However Health Canada has strongly encouraged staff to seal up the widows of the quarantine rooms of the Nav Centre to protect passengers from the brutalist concrete grey swaths , which said to be is extremely exacerbating to the immune system .
Healthcare professionals advise the quarantined passengers to stay strong and hold onto the thought that Ryan Gosling briefly lived in the city during his childhood to help @ @ @ @ @ @

CORNWALL, ON – Passengers repatriated from the Diamond Princess cruise ship arrived in Cornwall this morning, though many experts worry that the quarantined passengers are not being properly protected from the horrors of boredom synonymous with the Canadian city.
“Our hope is that you are relieved and uplifted to be on Canadian soil,” said the mayor in a statement to the press. “Unfortunately, that soil happens to be in Cornwall. But to quote our city’s motto: ‘Beggars can’t be choosers.’”
“When they told us the entire ship was to be quarantined for a coronavirus outbreak, I thought ‘This sucks,’ but then our flight arrived in Trenton. The jewel of Quinte West! I was so excited! But our vacation in Trenton was cut short when we were bused into Cornwall,” lamented an anonymous passenger. “If only it had been Prescott instead.”
“We are uncertain as how the lingering smell of rotten eggs affects those in quarantine, but we can’t say that it has an uplifting effect,” said a public health spokesperson.
Some passengers aboard the cruise ship were confined to rooms without windows which did not help the state of their mental health. However Health Canada has strongly encouraged staff to seal up the widows of the quarantine rooms of the Nav Centre to protect passengers from the brutalist concrete grey swaths, which said to be is extremely exacerbating to the immune system.
Healthcare professionals advise the quarantined passengers to stay strong and hold onto the thought that Ryan Gosling briefly lived in the city during his childhood to help them through this difficult time.


thebeaverton--2020-02-21--Quebec not going to let some pissant cowboys from Alberta threaten separation like they do

QUEBEC – In response to Alberta ’ s Buffalo Declaration , Quebec politicians are refusing to allow a bunch of measly Albertan yokels muscle in on their tactic of threatening to separate from the federation .
The Sherbrooke Declaration , Trois-Riviere Accord , and something called “ Bill 101 On Steroids ” have been hastily signed by the province ’ s pro-sovereignty leaders as a fuck you gesture to their Alberta counterparts .
“ Separation and sovereignty are our words , ” said Premier Francois Legault referring to the document signed by four Alberta MPs outlining the conditions for Alberta @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and refusing to participate unless you get your way like being able to oppress visible minorities is our trademark .
Alberta does a cute impression of Quebec , but these small fry hicks should know their place.
” “ Oh , and we at least proof-read our ultimatums , ” added Legault referring to the grammatical error on page two of the Buffalo Declaration .
Quebec lawmakers decreed there ’ s only one throne for the King of Complaints in Canada ’ s federal system , and it doesn ’ t belong to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Wexit.
” “ The Buffalo Declaration is adorable , but have they tried two provincial referendums ?
” remarked Bloc leader Yves-François Blanchet sarcastically .
“ Pro-tip : If you ’ re going to pull the ‘ recognize our distinct identity ’ bullshit , try not speaking the same language of your apparent oppressors.
” “ Fucking amateurs , ” scoffed former Quebec Premier Lucien Bouchard .
“ That ’ s no way to shakedown the feds .
Alberta can go suck its truck nuts .
”

QUEBEC – In response to Alberta’s Buffalo Declaration, Quebec politicians are refusing to allow a bunch of measly Albertan yokels muscle in on their tactic of threatening to separate from the federation.
The Sherbrooke Declaration, Trois-Riviere Accord, and something called “Bill 101 On Steroids” have been hastily signed by the province’s pro-sovereignty leaders as a fuck you gesture to their Alberta counterparts.
“Separation and sovereignty are our words,” said Premier Francois Legault referring to the document signed by four Alberta MPs outlining the conditions for Alberta staying within Canada. “Grieving constantly and refusing to participate unless you get your way like being able to oppress visible minorities is our trademark. Alberta does a cute impression of Quebec, but these small fry hicks should know their place.”
“Oh, and we at least proof-read our ultimatums,” added Legault referring to the grammatical error on page two of the Buffalo Declaration.
Quebec lawmakers decreed there’s only one throne for the King of Complaints in Canada’s federal system, and it doesn’t belong to pipeline-loving country bumpkins who support “Wa-Wa Wexit.”
“The Buffalo Declaration is adorable, but have they tried two provincial referendums?” remarked Bloc leader Yves-François Blanchet sarcastically. “Pro-tip: If you’re going to pull the ‘recognize our distinct identity’ bullshit, try not speaking the same language of your apparent oppressors.”
“Fucking amateurs,” scoffed former Quebec Premier Lucien Bouchard. “That’s no way to shakedown the feds. Alberta can go suck its truck nuts.”


thebeaverton--2020-02-21--“Blockades will accomplish nothing,” says man who accomplishes nothing

TORONTO – After an exhausting 2 minutes of researching on Twitter , local space occupier Kyle Turner has claimed that the Wet ’ suwet ’ en solidarity blockades will accomplish nothing .
“ I don ’ t think these people understand the impact these blockades will have , ” stated Kyle , who has never impacted anything in a meaningful way his entire life .
“ I mean other than halting the pipeline construction , forcing the RCMP to leave their lands and starting a national conversation about indigenous rights , what do these protestors really think they ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , a 25-year-old man who lives in his parent ’ s basement and describes himself as an ‘ entrepreneur ’ because he is thinking of starting up a food truck business , has strong feelings on the subject .
He also has plenty of time to read about it ever since Holly left .
“ There are just so many better ways to protest , ” he advised .
When asked for suggestions on what kind of protests would be more helpful , Kyle remained motionless for 10 minutes in silence before asking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ listen to his podcast .
Turner , whose friends and family all described him as a “ person they are familiar with ” then pivoted the conversation to his plan to cure the coronavirus epidemic .

TORONTO – After an exhausting 2 minutes of researching on Twitter, local space occupier Kyle Turner has claimed that the Wet’suwet’en solidarity blockades will accomplish nothing.
“I don’t think these people understand the impact these blockades will have,” stated Kyle, who has never impacted anything in a meaningful way his entire life. “I mean other than halting the pipeline construction, forcing the RCMP to leave their lands and starting a national conversation about indigenous rights, what do these protestors really think they’re going to get done?”
Turner, a 25-year-old man who lives in his parent’s basement and describes himself as an ‘entrepreneur’ because he is thinking of starting up a food truck business, has strong feelings on the subject. He also has plenty of time to read about it ever since Holly left.
“There are just so many better ways to protest,” he advised. When asked for suggestions on what kind of protests would be more helpful, Kyle remained motionless for 10 minutes in silence before asking if we had had a chance to listen to his podcast.
Turner, whose friends and family all described him as a “person they are familiar with” then pivoted the conversation to his plan to cure the coronavirus epidemic.


thebeaverton--2020-02-22--Cruise lines now offer deluxe coronavirus upgrade over basic norovirus package

SANTA CLARITA , CA – Cruise companies across the world have begun offering passengers a choice between the default norovirus infection typically received aboard ship and an upgrade to a higher-end coronavirus experience .
“ Over the last month we ’ ve been stunned by the infectious success of COVID-19 on one of our liners , ” said Princess Cruises President Jan Swartz .
“ Since so many passengers partook in this exclusive pilot offer , we ’ ve decided to introduce it in our regular roster of services for a truly all-inclusive experience.
” “ Not that we had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Swartz .
Although the coronavirus package is sold at a premium , cruise lines have reassured customers that those who do not wish to pay for the upgrade are still guaranteed an infection with some manner of gastrointestinal virus during their trip .
Specific features of the basic package differ between ships , but most include “ empty yet oft-fondled ” Purell dispensers , “ warm shrimp ” picked by tongs everyone has touched , and “ two-person windowless cabins ” with a single fanless bathroom .
Other companies , like Celebrity Cruises @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of a co-norovirus platinum bundle , which would introduce passengers to both contagions while they sail .
This option would be cheaper than acquiring the viruses individually , as the government would likely pick up the tab of the emergency airplane ride home .
While many cruise-goers immediately jumped at the opportunity to purchase the complete pathogenic package , others took a more frugal approach , claiming they can “ get the same physiological experience ” without spending more money .
“ Honestly I don ’ t need any balcony in my room @ @ @ @ @ @ @ virus with a crown , ” said frequent cruiser Ella Bianchi .
“ The common cold and some seasickness will get me to the same place easy.
” The new coronavirus service is one of the most significant additions to cruise offerings since Holland America introduced a “ thrown overboard by crew ” deal over the lower-tier “ drunken slip into the abyss ” package several passengers get every year .

SANTA CLARITA, CA – Cruise companies across the world have begun offering passengers a choice between the default norovirus infection typically received aboard ship and an upgrade to a higher-end coronavirus experience.
“Over the last month we’ve been stunned by the infectious success of COVID-19 on one of our liners,” said Princess Cruises President Jan Swartz. “Since so many passengers partook in this exclusive pilot offer, we’ve decided to introduce it in our regular roster of services for a truly all-inclusive experience.”
“Not that we had much of a choice,” added Swartz.
Although the coronavirus package is sold at a premium, cruise lines have reassured customers that those who do not wish to pay for the upgrade are still guaranteed an infection with some manner of gastrointestinal virus during their trip.
Specific features of the basic package differ between ships, but most include “empty yet oft-fondled” Purell dispensers, “warm shrimp” picked by tongs everyone has touched, and “two-person windowless cabins” with a single fanless bathroom.
Other companies, like Celebrity Cruises, have also toyed with the idea of a co-norovirus platinum bundle, which would introduce passengers to both contagions while they sail. This option would be cheaper than acquiring the viruses individually, as the government would likely pick up the tab of the emergency airplane ride home.
While many cruise-goers immediately jumped at the opportunity to purchase the complete pathogenic package, others took a more frugal approach, claiming they can “get the same physiological experience” without spending more money.
“Honestly I don’t need any balcony in my room or an all-you-can-drink package or some fancy virus with a crown,” said frequent cruiser Ella Bianchi. “The common cold and some seasickness will get me to the same place easy.”
The new coronavirus service is one of the most significant additions to cruise offerings since Holland America introduced a “thrown overboard by crew” deal over the lower-tier “drunken slip into the abyss” package several passengers get every year.


thebeaverton--2020-02-22--Office Star Wars Guy upset about his space bullshit again

CALGARY – A new report from HR suggests that Brian from accounting , whose only prevailing personality trait is a lifelong obsession with Star Wars , is once again pissed about his space bullshit .
“ Every week , Disney releases details about the glowstick wizards , or Dark Vader , or that green baby who ’ s 50 years old for some reason , and every week , Brian goes absolutely fucking nuclear about it , ” says Brian ’ s cubemate , Neera Singh .
“ It doesn ’ t matter if the news is good or bad @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s unclear when Brian ’ s fanatical passion for Star Wars began , though it seems to intensify whenever he ’ s asked how he ’ s holding up in the wake of his recent divorce .
Co-workers have privately compiled a list of words to avoid around Brian , including “ spaceship , ” “ Jar-Jar , ” and most importantly , “ Rian Johnson ” .
“ Brian needs to chill , ” Neera added .
“ Rachel from IT had to bring her daughter into work last Tuesday @ @ @ @ @ @ @ backpack had the girl on it .
You know , the one who ’ s wearing a shirt that looks like it ’ s made out of toilet paper ?
I ’ d never seen a grown man call an 8-year-old an ‘ SJW cucklord ’ before , but I guess there ’ s a first for everything.
” When asked what he likes about Star Wars , Brian points to his decades-old fan Tumblr , though reporters were unable to find a single positive post .
His most recent entry is a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Palpatine would have been as a “ Virgin MGTOW.
” Other posts discuss how unlikely it would have been to see “ the CANON Padme ” wearing pants .
“ His whole deal is just hating the thing he claims to love , ” Neera explained .
“ There ’ s no way this guy knows anything about space or objective reality .
I get that he misses his wife , but does he have to cope by explaining at length that the gold robot and the blue trash can are definitely not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ comment , as he took a half day after someone tried to talk to him about vulcans .

CALGARY – A new report from HR suggests that Brian from accounting, whose only prevailing personality trait is a lifelong obsession with Star Wars, is once again pissed about his space bullshit.
“Every week, Disney releases details about the glowstick wizards, or Dark Vader, or that green baby who’s 50 years old for some reason, and every week, Brian goes absolutely fucking nuclear about it,” says Brian’s cubemate, Neera Singh. “It doesn’t matter if the news is good or bad. Brian’s pissed regardless.”
It’s unclear when Brian’s fanatical passion for Star Wars began, though it seems to intensify whenever he’s asked how he’s holding up in the wake of his recent divorce. Co-workers have privately compiled a list of words to avoid around Brian, including “spaceship,” “Jar-Jar,” and most importantly, “Rian Johnson”.
“Brian needs to chill,” Neera added. “Rachel from IT had to bring her daughter into work last Tuesday, and God help her, her backpack had the girl on it. You know, the one who’s wearing a shirt that looks like it’s made out of toilet paper? I’d never seen a grown man call an 8-year-old an ‘SJW cucklord’ before, but I guess there’s a first for everything.”
When asked what he likes about Star Wars, Brian points to his decades-old fan Tumblr, though reporters were unable to find a single positive post. His most recent entry is a 3000 word screed about how much happier Palpatine would have been as a “Virgin MGTOW.” Other posts discuss how unlikely it would have been to see “the CANON Padme” wearing pants.
“His whole deal is just hating the thing he claims to love,” Neera explained. “There’s no way this guy knows anything about space or objective reality. I get that he misses his wife, but does he have to cope by explaining at length that the gold robot and the blue trash can are definitely not fucking?”
Brian remains unavailable for comment, as he took a half day after someone tried to talk to him about vulcans.


thebeaverton--2020-02-23--Leafs lose after failing to call up emergency backup team

TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs have lost a critical game against the Carolina Hurricanes after coach Sheldon Keefe let @ @ @ @ @ players to remain on the ice despite feigning an injury , “ We kept them @ @ @ @ @ turnovers and falls , ” said Keefe about his team ’ s 6-3 loss to @ @ @ @ @ call up the backup of the backup goaltender .
“ I am confident that we @ @ @ @ @ of our players tonight and they passed .
There was no need for our emergency @ @ @ @ @ waiting to be called into the game.
” According to sources , Leafs fans will @ @ @ @ @ game by flushing down nearly $ 100 million down the toilet .

TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs have lost a critical game against the Carolina Hurricanes after coach Sheldon Keefe allowed his full roster of players to remain on the ice despite feigning an injury.
“We kept them in there despite their repeated turnovers and falls,” said Keefe about his team’s 6-3 loss to a team that had to call up the backup of the backup goaltender. “I am confident that we followed concussion protocol on all of our players tonight, and they passed. There was no need for our emergency Timbits team who were patiently waiting to be called into the game.”
According to sources, Leafs fans will entertain themselves at the next game by flushing down nearly $100 million down the toilet.


thebeaverton--2020-02-23--Local woman sets world record by muting group chat in .076 seconds

Local woman Kathryn Tepittin has set a world record by muting a group chat on her phone only 0.076 seconds after the initial message was sent .
“ The moment I saw ‘ Hey guys , sorry for the group message ’ pop up , my brain immediately knew what to do and acted on pure animalistic instinct , muting the Facebook Messenger thread from sending any other notifications , ” explained 26-year-old Tepittin .
“ If it ’ s important , they ’ ll text me directly , otherwise I don ’ t want to be involved in what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ inside jokes and subpar reaction gifs.
” Reports suggest that every day thousands of Canadians fall victim to being added to unnecessary group chats .
Whether it be the selfishness of those unwilling to create personalized invites to an event or the incompetence of not knowing how to spread information in a way that doesn ’ t subject others to a hellhole of automatic reply-all notifications , group chats continue to spread to those who wish to be no part of them .
“ It ’ s a fascinating phenomenon really , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ % of all group chats begin with someone apologizing for creating a group chat .
So even the oppressor is empathetic of the grief they are causing their victims , and yet the trend continues.
” Despite Tepittin ’ s absence from chat participation , many of the other 64 members involved in the group chat continued to spam each other with notifications .
The responses included images and gifs from a dozen popular sitcoms alongside a 45-minute discussion on whether the group is meeting at 7pm or 7:15pm .
“ It ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ world record so I ’ ll probably celebrate with a few friends this weekend , ” stated Tepittin .
“ On such short notice , it ’ s going to take too long to text everyone individually so I ’ ll just throw together a group chat .
I ’ m sure no one will mind .
”

Local woman Kathryn Tepittin has set a world record by muting a group chat on her phone only 0.076 seconds after the initial message was sent.
“The moment I saw ‘Hey guys, sorry for the group message’ pop up, my brain immediately knew what to do and acted on pure animalistic instinct, muting the Facebook Messenger thread from sending any other notifications,” explained 26-year-old Tepittin. “If it’s important, they’ll text me directly, otherwise I don’t want to be involved in what will surely devolve into a pit of inside jokes and subpar reaction gifs.”
Reports suggest that every day thousands of Canadians fall victim to being added to unnecessary group chats. Whether it be the selfishness of those unwilling to create personalized invites to an event or the incompetence of not knowing how to spread information in a way that doesn’t subject others to a hellhole of automatic reply-all notifications, group chats continue to spread to those who wish to be no part of them.
“It’s a fascinating phenomenon really,” explained sociologist Marcus Lio. “62% of all group chats begin with someone apologizing for creating a group chat. So even the oppressor is empathetic of the grief they are causing their victims, and yet the trend continues.”
Despite Tepittin’s absence from chat participation, many of the other 64 members involved in the group chat continued to spam each other with notifications. The responses included images and gifs from a dozen popular sitcoms alongside a 45-minute discussion on whether the group is meeting at 7pm or 7:15pm.
“It’s not every day you set a world record so I’ll probably celebrate with a few friends this weekend,” stated Tepittin. “On such short notice, it’s going to take too long to text everyone individually so I’ll just throw together a group chat. I’m sure no one will mind.”


thebeaverton--2020-02-24--Weinstein threatens to sexually assault courthouse unless ending scene of his trial is re-written

NEW YORK – After being found guilty of rape and sexual assault in a landmark verdict today , disgraced film producer Harvey Weinstein immediately begin attempting to sexually coerce the courthouse into re-writing the ending pages of the trial ’ s script .
“ This is ridiculous !
” the convicted rapist bellowed , after his attempts to fire the jury were shot down by the judge , Justice James Burke .
“ This movie makes no sense !
I demand that the scene where I am supposedly ‘ brought to justice ’ be cut immediately .
It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and the American justice system , that this scene got approved in the first place.
” Weinstein ’ s proposed new ending gave the judge a monologue about how the mogul had been unfairly victimized by an unrealistic plot involving dozens of scheming women who should have been grateful that he wanted to sleep with them at all .
It also included a scene where two female jury members had sex with each other after being replaced by hotter actresses .
Donna Rotunno , Weinstein ’ s lawyer and fierce opponent of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the steps of the courthouse .
“ Of course we ’ re going to fight to have the ending changed , ” she said , casually attempting to stop Weinstein from exposing himself at the courthouse doors .
“ An extremely powerful , rich , white man is accused by over 80 women of sexual abuse , and actually gets convicted ?
In no way is that script believable .
No one will buy tickets .
We ’ re planning on severely limiting its release until Harvey goes free.
” Weinstein was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a post-credits scene wherein he told the courthouse that it would never work in this town again , “ Unless it wanted to meet him for a private conversation in his jail cell.
” At press time , women around the world were already lining up to pre-order tickets to the inevitable biopic made of Weinstein ’ s life in prison .

NEW YORK – After being found guilty of rape and sexual assault in a landmark verdict today, disgraced film producer Harvey Weinstein immediately begin attempting to sexually coerce the courthouse into re-writing the ending pages of the trial’s script.
“This is ridiculous!” the convicted rapist bellowed, after his attempts to fire the jury were shot down by the judge, Justice James Burke. “This movie makes no sense! I demand that the scene where I am supposedly ‘brought to justice’ be cut immediately. It’s offensive to the very nature of film, and the American justice system, that this scene got approved in the first place.”
Weinstein’s proposed new ending gave the judge a monologue about how the mogul had been unfairly victimized by an unrealistic plot involving dozens of scheming women who should have been grateful that he wanted to sleep with them at all. It also included a scene where two female jury members had sex with each other after being replaced by hotter actresses.
Donna Rotunno, Weinstein’s lawyer and fierce opponent of the #MeToo movement, addressed reporters on the steps of the courthouse.
“Of course we’re going to fight to have the ending changed,” she said, casually attempting to stop Weinstein from exposing himself at the courthouse doors. “An extremely powerful, rich, white man is accused by over 80 women of sexual abuse, and actually gets convicted? In no way is that script believable. No one will buy tickets. We’re planning on severely limiting its release until Harvey goes free.”
Weinstein was immediately slapped with another charge after writing a post-credits scene wherein he told the courthouse that it would never work in this town again, “Unless it wanted to meet him for a private conversation in his jail cell.”
At press time, women around the world were already lining up to pre-order tickets to the inevitable biopic made of Weinstein’s life in prison.


thebeaverton--2020-02-24--Teen files lawsuit against Juul after seeing everyone looking cool as hell doing it

REGINA , SK – A local teen has filed a lawsuit against the popular vaping company Juul after seeing how cool his peers looked filing their own .
“ I was late to vaping in the first place , ” said Sam Wilson , a high school senior .
“ But when I saw Scotty and Pranjal talking to their counsel after 3rd period , I knew I had to get in now .
And I figure I ’ m young , this is the time to experiment with the legal system.
” High schools are reporting alarming upticks in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from coast to coast .
Experts believe the increase is due to reports of vape related illnesses and the social cache of filing a grievance that “ slaps.
” “ I see people posting their notices-to-appear on the [ insta ] gram , guys are taking girls along for preliminary hearings , it just seems pretty cool to me , ” said Wilson .
School staff have expressed concerns regarding the levels of exposure to tort law and the effect that long drawn out cases can have on students ’ focus .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ halls providing sworn testimony , some teachers have heard about ‘ depo ( slang for deposition ) parties ’ being held on weekends , ” said one administrator .
“ It ’ s a growing issue for us.
” When asked if he thought the lawsuit would be a part of real change in the way the tobacco industry continues to affect the health of young people , Mr Wilson turned somber .
“ A part of me knows we ’ ll be tied up in appeals for the next 5 years and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time .
But it feels nice to be a part of something .
And Scotty said he ’ s going to have a huge party when the settlement comes through .
And if it doesn ’ t work out , maybe we can all sue an oil company or something ?
”

REGINA, SK – A local teen has filed a lawsuit against the popular vaping company Juul after seeing how cool his peers looked filing their own.
“I was late to vaping in the first place,” said Sam Wilson, a high school senior. “But when I saw Scotty and Pranjal talking to their counsel after 3rd period, I knew I had to get in now. And I figure I’m young, this is the time to experiment with the legal system.”
High schools are reporting alarming upticks in the number of tort lawyers on campuses from coast to coast. Experts believe the increase is due to reports of vape related illnesses and the social cache of filing a grievance that “slaps.”
“I see people posting their notices-to-appear on the [insta]gram, guys are taking girls along for preliminary hearings, it just seems pretty cool to me,” said Wilson.
School staff have expressed concerns regarding the levels of exposure to tort law and the effect that long drawn out cases can have on students’ focus. “We’ve caught students in the halls providing sworn testimony, some teachers have heard about ‘depo (slang for deposition) parties’ being held on weekends,” said one administrator. “It’s a growing issue for us.”
When asked if he thought the lawsuit would be a part of real change in the way the tobacco industry continues to affect the health of young people, Mr Wilson turned somber.
“A part of me knows we’ll be tied up in appeals for the next 5 years and this could all be a waste of time. But it feels nice to be a part of something. And Scotty said he’s going to have a huge party when the settlement comes through. And if it doesn’t work out, maybe we can all sue an oil company or something?”


thebeaverton--2020-02-24--OPP: We have exhausted all forms of polite colonialism

TYENDINAGA – Officials with the Ontario Provincial Police have moved in on Indigenous protesters after exhausting all their strategies of polite colonialism .
“ We graciously asked them to leave their territory whenever they had the chance , ” said Sgt .
Greg Donahue of the OPP .
“ We didn ’ t want to be rude by immediately using force .
It ’ s more courteous to threaten first.
” For two weeks , the OPP refrained from removing members of a community that has resisted colonization for over 400 years to allow them to consider the merits of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they weren ’ t being very nice when we gently reminded them that their sovereignty was illegitimate and they needed to bow to the supremacy of their colonizer ’ s law or else , ” said another police officer .
“ We said please and apologized for what we wanted them to do .
How much more Canadian can we get ?
” Before making their arrests , OPP members graciously acknowledged that they were on the traditional lands of the Haudenosaunee and Anishinaabe Peoples .
At press time , the provincial and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by handcuffs .

TYENDINAGA – Officials with the Ontario Provincial Police have moved in on Indigenous protesters after exhausting all their strategies of polite colonialism.
“We graciously asked them to leave their territory whenever they had the chance,” said Sgt. Greg Donahue of the OPP. “We didn’t want to be rude by immediately using force. It’s more courteous to threaten first.”
For two weeks, the OPP refrained from removing members of a community that has resisted colonization for over 400 years to allow them to consider the merits of subjugation and assimilation.
“Frankly, they weren’t being very nice when we gently reminded them that their sovereignty was illegitimate and they needed to bow to the supremacy of their colonizer’s law or else,” said another police officer. “We said please and apologized for what we wanted them to do. How much more Canadian can we get?”
Before making their arrests, OPP members graciously acknowledged that they were on the traditional lands of the Haudenosaunee and Anishinaabe Peoples.
At press time, the provincial and federal governments continued its policy of reconciliation by handcuffs.


thebeaverton--2020-02-24--Horrified Conservative Party realizes they never told Scheer he was fired

OTTAWA — After a video of Andrew Scheer railing against CBC ’ s stance on the preschool cartoon Paw Patrol went viral , panic gripped the Conservative Party ’ s top members upon realizing they ’ d never officially told Andrew Scheer he ’ d been terminated .
“ Oh shit oh shit , ” yelled an anxious Candice Bergen .
“ Has Scheer just been showing up to events and stuff this whole time ?
” The Conservative caucus watched the viral video where an uncomfortably red-faced Scheer spends 3 excruciating minutes making seemingly unrelated arguments about children ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the CBC , a university professor , Belarus , the DMV , and his own daughter .
“ Where did that drink come from at the end ?
Was he holding that off camera the entire time , ” asked a baffled John Brassard .
Upon further investigation , the Conservatives realized with mounting horror that Scheer is clearly under the impression that he is still the leader of the Conservative Party , as opposed to just some random MP from somewhere .
“ Did you guys see this thing about Scheer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ check their privilege ’ ?
” said Bergen , looking through a google search for “ Scheer + dumb ” .
“ Jesus Christ , do people think he was speaking for us ?
” Sources report that , since announcing he is stepping down in December of last year , Scheer has continued to give speeches and make video posts like an active party leader despite the fact that , technically speaking , he ’ s the political equivalent of Bernie from Weekend At Bernie ’ s .
This is not the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of him failing to catch an obvious hint .
“ He did the same thing when I broke him with in high school , ” said ex Maria Herzfield .
“ I told him it was over and he said ‘ fine ’ , but then he just showed up the next day to take me to Prom .
He ’ d even rented a powder blue tuxedo .
In 1998.
” Back at CPC Headquarters , various Conservative MPs attempted to assign blame for not telling Scheer that he when he was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was implicit that he would also “ keep his damn mouth shut.
” “ I thought ( CPC MP Mark ) Strahl was supposed to sit him down and explain it , ” shouted an angry Diane Finley .
Strahl then held up his hands , imploring “ I ’ m not getting stuck with that detail .
I told a Page to handle it.
” Other excuses included “ I forgot ” , “ He weirds me out ” , and “ I got caught up in Netflix ’ s The Circle.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ pointing , the Conservative caucus determined that no one had actually received confirmation that Scheer understood he was no longer the party leader in any capacity whatsoever .
As the assembled MPs drew straws to determine who would be forced to “ take Milk Boy out behind the shed ” , Scheer was meanwhile editing the final touches on his latest video challenging David Suzuki to a milk chugging contest .

OTTAWA — After a video of Andrew Scheer railing against CBC’s stance on the preschool cartoon Paw Patrol went viral, panic gripped the Conservative Party’s top members upon realizing they’d never officially told Andrew Scheer he’d been terminated.
“Oh shit oh shit,” yelled an anxious Candice Bergen. “Has Scheer just been showing up to events and stuff this whole time?” The Conservative caucus watched the viral video where an uncomfortably red-faced Scheer spends 3 excruciating minutes making seemingly unrelated arguments about children’s cartoons, capitalism, East Berlin, the CBC, a university professor, Belarus, the DMV, and his own daughter.
“Where did that drink come from at the end? Was he holding that off camera the entire time,” asked a baffled John Brassard.
Upon further investigation, the Conservatives realized with mounting horror that Scheer is clearly under the impression that he is still the leader of the Conservative Party, as opposed to just some random MP from somewhere. “Did you guys see this thing about Scheer telling Indigenous protestors last week to ‘check their privilege’?” said Bergen, looking through a google search for “Scheer + dumb”.
“Jesus Christ, do people think he was speaking for us?”
Sources report that, since announcing he is stepping down in December of last year, Scheer has continued to give speeches and make video posts like an active party leader despite the fact that, technically speaking, he’s the political equivalent of Bernie from Weekend At Bernie’s.
This is not the first example in Scheer’s life of him failing to catch an obvious hint. “He did the same thing when I broke him with in high school,” said ex Maria Herzfield. “I told him it was over and he said ‘fine’, but then he just showed up the next day to take me to Prom. He’d even rented a powder blue tuxedo. In 1998.”
Back at CPC Headquarters, various Conservative MPs attempted to assign blame for not telling Scheer that he when he was forced to resign as leader, it was implicit that he would also “keep his damn mouth shut.”
“I thought (CPC MP Mark) Strahl was supposed to sit him down and explain it,” shouted an angry Diane Finley. Strahl then held up his hands, imploring “I’m not getting stuck with that detail. I told a Page to handle it.” Other excuses included “I forgot”, “He weirds me out”, and “I got caught up in Netflix’s The Circle.”
After nearly an hour of finger pointing, the Conservative caucus determined that no one had actually received confirmation that Scheer understood he was no longer the party leader in any capacity whatsoever.
As the assembled MPs drew straws to determine who would be forced to “take Milk Boy out behind the shed”, Scheer was meanwhile editing the final touches on his latest video challenging David Suzuki to a milk chugging contest.


thebeaverton--2020-02-27--Mike Pence introduces program to cure coronavirus carriers with conversion therapy

WASHINGTON D.C. – In his first hours leading the U.S. response to the COVID-19 pandemic , Mike Pence announced a @ @ @ @ @ to convince infected Americans they don ’ t have the disease after all .
Drawing @ @ @ @ @ turn gay people straight , Pence claimed “ No-one is born with coronavirus , so @ @ @ @ @ hate everything about themselves .
Then and only then will they reject their unhealthy attachment @ @ @ @ @ ” Despite widespread criticism , the Vice President insisted that the science he chooses to @ @ @ @ @ is the best solution .
Planned techniques include dangling a picture of a flu-free ( @ @ @ @ @ in front of the carriers while a priest chants ‘ you are not sick ’ @ @ @ @ @ talks from former corona carriers who call themselves ‘ ex-coronas ’ and of , course @ @ @ @ @ is the best , ” Pence declared , “ I ’ ve been quarantining myself @ @ @ @ @ my marriage couldn ’ t be more infection-free .
”

WASHINGTON D.C. – In his first hours leading the U.S. response to the COVID-19 pandemic, Mike Pence announced a bold program of conversion therapy to convince infected Americans they don’t have the disease after all.
Drawing on the techniques he believes turn gay people straight, Pence claimed “No-one is born with coronavirus, so the key is making them hate everything about themselves. Then and only then will they reject their unhealthy attachment to this so-called respiratory virus.”
“God made Adam & Eve, not Adam & Covid-19,” he added.
Despite widespread criticism, the Vice President insisted that the science he chooses to believe clearly demonstrates that this is the best solution.
Planned techniques include dangling a picture of a flu-free (and super hot) woman in front of the carriers while a priest chants ‘you are not sick’ over and over, pep talks from former corona carriers who call themselves ‘ex-coronas’ and of, course, quarantine.
“Quarantine is the best,” Pence declared, “I’ve been quarantining myself from women for decades and my marriage couldn’t be more infection-free.”


thebeaverton--2020-02-27--US arms doctors to shoot COVID-19 on sight

WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has ordered all physicians to immediately shoot COVID-19 wherever the novel coronavirus appears .
@ @ @ @ @ to do a great job killing coronavirus wherever it is hiding , ” said President @ @ @ @ @ at the White House Rose Garden .
“ Doctors will take down the virus while @ @ @ @ @ it dies.
” As the world teeters on a global pandemic , the US has @ @ @ @ @ Shoot At It policy by issuing doctors glocks , shotguns , and AR-15s to defeat @ @ @ @ @ poster with a microscopic image of the coronavirus was distributed to the media at the @ @ @ @ @ this is all going to be over by April once coronavirus sees our guns , @ @ @ @ @ related news , the entire annual CDC budget was spent on the development of a @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has ordered all physicians to immediately shoot COVID-19 wherever the novel coronavirus appears.
“We’re going to do a great job killing coronavirus wherever it is hiding,” said President Trump at a press conference at the White House Rose Garden. “Doctors will take down the virus while it cries and screams until it dies.”
As the world teeters on a global pandemic, the US has responded according to its Just Shoot At It policy by issuing doctors glocks, shotguns, and AR-15s to defeat the virus.
A Wanted poster with a microscopic image of the coronavirus was distributed to the media at the press conference.
“But this is all going to be over by April once coronavirus sees our guns,” added Trump.
In related news, the entire annual CDC budget was spent on the development of a COVID-19 missile shield.


thebeaverton--2020-02-27--Local woman unsure why she’s crying

Local woman unsure why she’s crying

VICTORIA , B.C .
– 34-year-old Olivia Vasquez was left puzzled when she started crying in line at the grocery store , seemingly without cause , earlier today .
“ I was in line to buy a thing of milk and out of nowhere , I started welling up , ” Vasquez explained as she splashed cold water on her face in the store ’ s public bathroom .
“ I thought ‘ maybe it ’ s allergies ?
’ But I ’ m only allergic to ragweed and Drakkar Noir , and nobody around me seemed to be a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time of the incident , Vasquez reported having high job satisfaction , a loving partner , and a great relationship with her parents , both of whom are healthy and still together .
She could not recall the last time she wistfully recalled the simple joys of her past , or watched a compilation of dogs greeting their owners after a long time apart .
“ Maybe I thought too hard about that Taylor Swift documentary ?
” Vasquez sniffled , bravely reapplying a decidedly-not-waterproof mascara like some sort of hero .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ struggled , in a Taylor Swift kinda way.
” Vasquez considered many possible culprits for her tears , including that time Alanis Morissette came up on shuffle last Tuesday and the bus ride she shared with a baby who reportedly had “ kind eyes.
” Eventually she deemed fleeting intrusive thoughts of hypothetically attending her mother ’ s funeral as the likeliest cause , though even that didn ’ t feel quite right .
When reached for comment , Vasquez ’ s therapist was unvexed .
“ Olivia cries over TikToks featuring little @ @ @ @ @ @ @ She cries when she thinks about how hard it must be to not work near a window .
Last week she scheduled an emergency session because she heard her neighbor playing the sad song from Toy Story 2 .
She ’ s like a living Mad Libs for reasons why someone would cry .
This is her normal .
I ’ m writing a paper about it , actually.
” But Vasquez is determined to find the root cause of her crying .
“ Maybe it ’ s just the physical manifestation of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ down the abject futility of my existence in this bleak reality , ” Vasquez mused .
“ Or maybe I have a new allergy ?
It ’ s probably that .
I should get tested for celiac .
”

VICTORIA, B.C. – 34-year-old Olivia Vasquez was left puzzled when she started crying in line at the grocery store, seemingly without cause, earlier today.
“I was in line to buy a thing of milk and out of nowhere, I started welling up,” Vasquez explained as she splashed cold water on her face in the store’s public bathroom. “I thought ‘maybe it’s allergies?’ But I’m only allergic to ragweed and Drakkar Noir, and nobody around me seemed to be a plant or a douchebag.”
At the time of the incident, Vasquez reported having high job satisfaction, a loving partner, and a great relationship with her parents, both of whom are healthy and still together. She could not recall the last time she wistfully recalled the simple joys of her past, or watched a compilation of dogs greeting their owners after a long time apart.
“Maybe I thought too hard about that Taylor Swift documentary?” Vasquez sniffled, bravely reapplying a decidedly-not-waterproof mascara like some sort of hero. “I mean, she’s really struggled, in a Taylor Swift kinda way.”
Vasquez considered many possible culprits for her tears, including that time Alanis Morissette came up on shuffle last Tuesday and the bus ride she shared with a baby who reportedly had “kind eyes.” Eventually she deemed fleeting intrusive thoughts of hypothetically attending her mother’s funeral as the likeliest cause, though even that didn’t feel quite right.
When reached for comment, Vasquez’s therapist was unvexed. “Olivia cries over TikToks featuring little girls who are really good dancers. She cries when she thinks about how hard it must be to not work near a window. Last week she scheduled an emergency session because she heard her neighbor playing the sad song from Toy Story 2. She’s like a living Mad Libs for reasons why someone would cry. This is her normal. I’m writing a paper about it, actually.”
But Vasquez is determined to find the root cause of her crying. “Maybe it’s just the physical manifestation of the relentless stress I experience whilst facing down the abject futility of my existence in this bleak reality,” Vasquez mused.
“Or maybe I have a new allergy? It’s probably that. I should get tested for celiac.”


thebeaverton--2020-02-26--Woman who has watched every Democratic debate cannot name MPP

TORONTO – After watching all 7 US Democratic debates , participating in numerous Twitter arguments regarding the primaries and listening to dozens of podcasts about the various factors that will determine the Democratic front runner , local woman Maura Scholbert can not name a single Member of Provincial Parliament .
“ This country needs an informed populace and strong leadership , ” Scholbert told reporters , before clarifying , “ I mean , that country , the United States.
” Scholbert , who was born and raised in the Greater Toronto Area and last year purchased a New York Times @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could keep up with developments in The Resistance ” reportedly stumbled when asked to name a single—not even her own—member of Provincial Parliament .
“ Ah yeah…MPP…that ’ s the one there were elections for , April , I wan na say ?
Oh yeah…it ’ s Jill—Judy ?
Yeah .
It ’ s definitely Judy.
” Scholbert , who last visited the US during a bachelorette party in 2014 , told reporters that “ [ the United States ] is falling apart and desperately needs the right person to win , or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just will .
I mean Canada too .
What were we talking about ?
After concluding a lengthy discussion with her husband about whether Medicare for All had a chance of passing in the Senate unless McConnell gets the boot , Scholbert expressed awareness that “ something bad is happening with “ the We ’ etsue ’ ten ?
In Manitoba , right ?
”

TORONTO – After watching all 7 US Democratic debates, participating in numerous Twitter arguments regarding the primaries and listening to dozens of podcasts about the various factors that will determine the Democratic front runner, local woman Maura Scholbert cannot name a single Member of Provincial Parliament.
“This country needs an informed populace and strong leadership,” Scholbert told reporters, before clarifying, “I mean, that country, the United States.”
Scholbert, who was born and raised in the Greater Toronto Area and last year purchased a New York Times membership “just so [she] could keep up with developments in The Resistance” reportedly stumbled when asked to name a single—not even her own—member of Provincial Parliament.
“Ah yeah…MPP…that’s the one there were elections for, April, I wanna say? Oh yeah…it’s Jill—Judy? Yeah. It’s definitely Judy.”
Scholbert, who last visited the US during a bachelorette party in 2014, told reporters that “[the United States] is falling apart and desperately needs the right person to win, or Russia will take us over. It just will. I mean Canada too. What were we talking about?
After concluding a lengthy discussion with her husband about whether Medicare for All had a chance of passing in the Senate unless McConnell gets the boot, Scholbert expressed awareness that “something bad is happening with “the We’etsue’ten? In Manitoba, right?”


thebeaverton--2020-02-26--Local father sad there’s only two months left to lecture about the importance of snow tires

Belleville , ON – After realizing that it was already late February , local road safety enthusiast and self described father , Hank Jebbs was heartbroken that there is only another two months to espouse the necessity of snow tires in certain weather conditions .
“ Sure you get the odd snow squall in May but it ’ s not the same .
It seems to come up quicker every year , ” said Jebbs .
“ And when you get to my age , you realize that there ’ s only so much time you have left and you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , lecturing them about how important snow tires are.
” In addition to the better braking and handling that snow tires provide in winter conditions , Jebb also claims that snow tires will increase visibility , improve gas mileage and fix whatever problems his kids go to a therapist for .
“ I think he has Seasonal Affective Disorder , ” said Jebbs ’ daughter Carol .
“ But like the opposite of normal SAD where he ’ s only happy in the winter because he gets to use phrases like “ optimal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ At least when summer comes around and we go to the cottage he ’ ll get to spend all day telling us about proper boat docking procedures.
” Jebbs has started picketing a local Kal Tire after they advertised all season tires .

Belleville, ON – After realizing that it was already late February, local road safety enthusiast and self described father, Hank Jebbs was heartbroken that there is only another two months to espouse the necessity of snow tires in certain weather conditions.
“Sure you get the odd snow squall in May but it’s not the same. It seems to come up quicker every year,” said Jebbs. “And when you get to my age, you realize that there’s only so much time you have left and you want to spend it with loved ones, lecturing them about how important snow tires are.”
In addition to the better braking and handling that snow tires provide in winter conditions, Jebb also claims that snow tires will increase visibility, improve gas mileage and fix whatever problems his kids go to a therapist for.
“I think he has Seasonal Affective Disorder,” said Jebbs’ daughter Carol. “But like the opposite of normal SAD where he’s only happy in the winter because he gets to use phrases like “optimal traction in below zero temperature.”
“At least when summer comes around and we go to the cottage he’ll get to spend all day telling us about proper boat docking procedures.”
Jebbs has started picketing a local Kal Tire after they advertised all season tires.


thebeaverton--2020-02-25--Leafs scramble to find more heartwarming ways to lose

TORONTO – In the wake of emergency backup goalie David Ayres ’ remarkable victory over them , and the subsequent outpouring of affection for him , the Toronto Maple Leafs are trying to come up with more ways to lose that Buzzfeed would call ‘ adorbs.
’ “ Look , we ’ re going to lose anyway , ” said head coach Sheldon Keefe .
“ And it ’ s going to be painful and humiliating for our fans .
But at least this way we ’ ll really build up on our brand as an online influencer.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ weight loss supplement company is worth a hell of a lot more than a playoff spot , if you ask me , ” he added .
So far Leafs PR has come up with several options , including playing a team full of orphans fighting to save a community centre , getting dangled by a blind person , and “ doing an Air Bud.
” However the players had ideas of their own .
“ What if we find a guy who has been separated from his beloved by circumstance for years , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her back is to score on us .
And then he scores like 8 times because you know , it ’ s us , ” said Tyson Barrie .
“ That ’ s pretty good .
But what if instead the guy has cancer and the only cure was us turning over the puck in our own zone at least 25 times a game , ” said Mitch Marner .
Soon the whiteboard in the locker room was full of ideas , including one where a pregnant woman would score a goal , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the baby would kill of a penalty against the Leafs anemic power play .
That one was rejected for being “ a bit of a hat on a hat.
” Eventually the Leafs settled on an old standby : getting absolutely destroyed in the first round by the Boston Bruins .

TORONTO – In the wake of emergency backup goalie David Ayres’ remarkable victory over them, and the subsequent outpouring of affection for him, the Toronto Maple Leafs are trying to come up with more ways to lose that Buzzfeed would call ‘adorbs.’
“Look, we’re going to lose anyway,” said head coach Sheldon Keefe. “And it’s going to be painful and humiliating for our fans. But at least this way we’ll really build up on our brand as an online influencer.”
“And getting sponsored content $ from a weight loss supplement company is worth a hell of a lot more than a playoff spot, if you ask me,” he added.
So far Leafs PR has come up with several options, including playing a team full of orphans fighting to save a community centre, getting dangled by a blind person, and “doing an Air Bud.” However the players had ideas of their own.
“What if we find a guy who has been separated from his beloved by circumstance for years, and the only way he can win her back is to score on us. And then he scores like 8 times because you know, it’s us,” said Tyson Barrie.
“That’s pretty good. But what if instead the guy has cancer and the only cure was us turning over the puck in our own zone at least 25 times a game,” said Mitch Marner.
Soon the whiteboard in the locker room was full of ideas, including one where a pregnant woman would score a goal, then deliver a baby, and then the baby would kill of a penalty against the Leafs anemic power play. That one was rejected for being “a bit of a hat on a hat.”
Eventually the Leafs settled on an old standby: getting absolutely destroyed in the first round by the Boston Bruins.


thebeaverton--2020-02-25--Alberta Court of Appeal orders climate change to respect provincial boundaries

EDMONTON – Before striking down the federal carbon tax as unconstitutional , the Alberta Court of Appeal has ordered climate change to only occur within provincial borders according to how each province regulates it .
“ The actions of this potentially catastrophic atmospheric phenomenon intrudes on powers granted to provinces under Section 92 of the constitution , ” ruled Chief Justice Catherine Fraser writing for the majority .
“ The provinces have jurisdiction over natural resources and therefore the ability to regulate their own climates like a car owner has the ability to adjust their vehicle ’ s climate control @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that any flood , heat wave or other deadly consequence of climate change must be halted at provincial boundaries or will be declared unconstitutional .
Devastating wildfires will need permission from a neighbouring jurisdiction to cross boundaries , which can be negotiated through an Internal Agreement on Fires where additional levies may be applied per flame .
“ If a province chooses to do nothing about climate change , the atmospheric results will remain contained within their 62 mile high climate containment fences , ” said Justice Thomas Wakeling in a separate decision @ @ @ @ @ @ @ closing the door behind them when any citizens want to travel beyond the borders so no climate change will escape to another jurisdiction .
”

EDMONTON – Before striking down the federal carbon tax as unconstitutional, the Alberta Court of Appeal has ordered climate change to only occur within provincial borders according to how each province regulates it.
“The actions of this potentially catastrophic atmospheric phenomenon intrudes on powers granted to provinces under Section 92 of the constitution,” ruled Chief Justice Catherine Fraser writing for the majority. “The provinces have jurisdiction over natural resources and therefore the ability to regulate their own climates like a car owner has the ability to adjust their vehicle’s climate control without federal interference.”
The court requested that any flood, heat wave or other deadly consequence of climate change must be halted at provincial boundaries or will be declared unconstitutional.
Devastating wildfires will need permission from a neighbouring jurisdiction to cross boundaries, which can be negotiated through an Internal Agreement on Fires where additional levies may be applied per flame.
“If a province chooses to do nothing about climate change, the atmospheric results will remain contained within their 62 mile high climate containment fences,” said Justice Thomas Wakeling in a separate decision. “Provinces have the responsibility of closing the door behind them when any citizens want to travel beyond the borders so no climate change will escape to another jurisdiction.”


thebeaverton--2020-02-24--Teck pulls application for oil sands mine after finding out about the existence of oil prices

FORT McMURRAY , AB – Teck Resources Ltd have pulled their application to the Canadian government for a massive $ 20 billion oil sands mine in northern Alberta after a shocking study by the company revealed that there is an external market for oil that determines its price .
“ We weren ’ t aware until now that we wouldn ’ t be the ones who determine the price of the oil we ’ d be extracting , ” Teck CEO Don Lindsay said in a letter to the government explaining why they ’ ve withdrawn their application .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ d be able to sell the oil at US $ 95 a barrel , because that ’ s what we would need to sell it for in order to make a profit.
” “ Turns out that ’ s not how capitalism works .
It would ’ ve been nice if someone had told us about this ‘ price ’ thing beforehand , we could ’ ve saved a billion dollars in start-up costs.
” The epiphany that fossil fuels sell for market prices that are determined by factors outside of the control @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the industry , which is only now realizing that a large number of existing and proposed extraction projects won ’ t be profitable given current and projected prices .
While some resource companies like Teck are throwing in the towel , others are confident that as long as they refuse to acknowledge the concept of oil prices , they won ’ t be affected by them , a strategy that has proved incredibly successful for them in the past when it comes to ignoring things like global warming and the earthquake risk of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in its support for the industry during this difficult time .
“ It is unacceptable for a company like Teck to have to go through so many regulatory hoops only to have the rug pulled out from under them with this utterly unpredictable revelation that oil prices have been stagnant for the last five years , ” Alberta Premier Jason Kenney said in a tweet about Teck ’ s decision .
“ The Alberta government vows to spend millions of taxpayer dollars getting to the bottom of how Justin Trudeau and/or foreign ecoterrorists @ @ @ @ @ @ @ oil has a price from the oil industry for so long.
” While the fossil fuel sector has been rocked by this pricing news , proponents of the $ 40 billion LNG project in northern B.C .
( which includes the controversial $ 6 billion Coastal GasLink natural gas pipeline ) remain confident that unlike oil prices , LNG prices will magically shoot up to the levels needed to make that project profitable as long as their hearts remain true .

FORT McMURRAY, AB – Teck Resources Ltd have pulled their application to the Canadian government for a massive $20 billion oil sands mine in northern Alberta after a shocking study by the company revealed that there is an external market for oil that determines its price.
“We weren’t aware until now that we wouldn’t be the ones who determine the price of the oil we’d be extracting,” Teck CEO Don Lindsay said in a letter to the government explaining why they’ve withdrawn their application. “This whole time we assumed we’d be able to sell the oil at US$95 a barrel, because that’s what we would need to sell it for in order to make a profit.”
“Turns out that’s not how capitalism works. It would’ve been nice if someone had told us about this ‘price’ thing beforehand, we could’ve saved a billion dollars in start-up costs.”
The epiphany that fossil fuels sell for market prices that are determined by factors outside of the control of individual corporations has sent shock-waves through the industry, which is only now realizing that a large number of existing and proposed extraction projects won’t be profitable given current and projected prices.
While some resource companies like Teck are throwing in the towel, others are confident that as long as they refuse to acknowledge the concept of oil prices, they won’t be affected by them, a strategy that has proved incredibly successful for them in the past when it comes to ignoring things like global warming and the earthquake risk of fracking.
The Alberta government is unwavering in its support for the industry during this difficult time. “It is unacceptable for a company like Teck to have to go through so many regulatory hoops only to have the rug pulled out from under them with this utterly unpredictable revelation that oil prices have been stagnant for the last five years,” Alberta Premier Jason Kenney said in a tweet about Teck’s decision.
“The Alberta government vows to spend millions of taxpayer dollars getting to the bottom of how Justin Trudeau and/or foreign ecoterrorists have conspired to keep the fact that oil has a price from the oil industry for so long.”
While the fossil fuel sector has been rocked by this pricing news, proponents of the $40 billion LNG project in northern B.C. (which includes the controversial $6 billion Coastal GasLink natural gas pipeline) remain confident that unlike oil prices, LNG prices will magically shoot up to the levels needed to make that project profitable as long as their hearts remain true.