thebeaverton--2020-08-26--LOOPHOLE ALERT! This woman extended her COVID benefits by animorphing into an oil and gas company

CALGARY – A local theatre usher laid off during the beginning weeks of the COVID has discovered a new , exciting loophole to extend her vital pandemic benefits : animorphing into an oil and gas company .
“ As a theatre employee , I knew I ’ d be in trouble once CERB ended , ” tooted 42-year-old Candice Chan out of the smokestack where her human mouth used to be .
“ With no job to return to and no way to pay rent and feed my son , there was only one option.
” Fortunately , Chan was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ animal morphing technology by an alien species back in the 90s .
As the pandemic strained her financial situation , she knew it was time to come out of retirement .
“ At that point , all I had to do was find an oil and gas company to touch , ” said Candice .
“ And let me tell you , it ’ s way easier to hop the fence at Petro-Can as a frog.
” As soon as Candice touched the Petro-Canada facility , she was able to morph into a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and the federal government eagerly courted her with subsidies , bursaries , and grants to “ help her through this difficult time.
” And help her they did – after years of precarious income , Candice was finally able to make rent , buy groceries , and hide millions of dollars in offshore accounts .
“ It was magical , ” she added .
“ I mean , literally magical , obviously .
But also magical in that really mundane way , where I was able to live comfortably and without financial anxiety @ @ @ @ @ @ @ And all I have to do is occasionally wage violent war with an alien species that ’ s hijacking the bodies of humans to take over the planet.
” Animorphs can spend a maximum of 2 hours in their morph , but Candice ’ s life improved so drastically that she chose to let the window lapse – meaning she ’ ll spend the rest of her life as a large talking oil refinery .
It comes with some odd idiosyncrasies , including a newfound passion for polluting waterways and denying fault in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gained something else out of the trade : confidence , security , and a bright future .
“ My son wished I had turned into a lizard , ” She adds , puffs of toxic smog bellowing upwards in a way that could be interpreted as breezy laughter .
“ But hey , nobody ’ s perfect !
”

CALGARY – A local theatre usher laid off during the beginning weeks of the COVID has discovered a new, exciting loophole to extend her vital pandemic benefits: animorphing into an oil and gas company.
“As a theatre employee, I knew I’d be in trouble once CERB ended,” tooted 42-year-old Candice Chan out of the smokestack where her human mouth used to be. “With no job to return to and no way to pay rent and feed my son, there was only one option.”
Fortunately, Chan was one of 6 children who was gifted animal morphing technology by an alien species back in the 90s. As the pandemic strained her financial situation, she knew it was time to come out of retirement.
“At that point, all I had to do was find an oil and gas company to touch,” said Candice. “And let me tell you, it’s way easier to hop the fence at Petro-Can as a frog.”
As soon as Candice touched the Petro-Canada facility, she was able to morph into a multi-billion dollar oil and gas company, and the federal government eagerly courted her with subsidies, bursaries, and grants to “help her through this difficult time.” And help her they did – after years of precarious income, Candice was finally able to make rent, buy groceries, and hide millions of dollars in offshore accounts.
“It was magical,” she added. “I mean, literally magical, obviously. But also magical in that really mundane way, where I was able to live comfortably and without financial anxiety for the first time in decades. And all I have to do is occasionally wage violent war with an alien species that’s hijacking the bodies of humans to take over the planet.”
Animorphs can spend a maximum of 2 hours in their morph, but Candice’s life improved so drastically that she chose to let the window lapse – meaning she’ll spend the rest of her life as a large talking oil refinery. It comes with some odd idiosyncrasies, including a newfound passion for polluting waterways and denying fault in industrial accidents. But she’s gained something else out of the trade: confidence, security, and a bright future.
“My son wished I had turned into a lizard,” She adds, puffs of toxic smog bellowing upwards in a way that could be interpreted as breezy laughter. “But hey, nobody’s perfect!”


thebeaverton--2020-08-25--Ontario Ministry of Education promises new math curriculum will help students calculate their chance

Ontario Ministry of Education promises new math curriculum will help students calculate their chances of survival

TORONTO — As schools prepare to reopen for the first time since the COVID-19 pandemic began , the Ontario Ministry of Education has assured students and teachers that the newly revised math curriculum will help them calculate their chances of survival .
“ Going back to school in a pandemic is kind of scary , ” said 9th grade student Emily Chau , “ But it ’ s good to know our math teachers can teach us new and better ways to calculate exactly how scary it is ” .
The Ministry of Education unveiled the updated math curriculum in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on financial literacy , coding and viral outbreak prediction modelling .
“ We believe this new curriculum will better prepare students for their future careers , should they live long enough to have one , ” said education minister Stephen Lecce during a recent news conference .
“ Reintroducing in-class learning will also give students a competitive advantage when they ’ re ready to join the workforce , by giving them early exposure both to coding and to a viral threat that is guaranteed to kill at least a few of their more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says the new curriculum will replace “ outdated and abstract examples ” with ones that are more relevant to real life , such as using probability to calculate which of their classmates is an asymptomatic carrier , geometry to quantify the additional classroom space required to social distance , and creative problem solving to determine what happened to Mr. Edwards the custodian who called in sick a few weeks ago and never returned .
Documents included example questions , like “ If a bus travels 50 km/h for 40 minutes and 30 km/h @ @ @ @ @ @ @ need to bother protecting the semi-retired bus driver from COVID ?
” and “ What ’ s the best way to blame education unions for all of this ?
” But it ’ s not just students and teachers who will have to wrestle with tricky equations : Parents are anxious about helping their kids with the new math .
One such parent is Carole Munoz , whose son is entering his first year of school : “ Explaining exponential COVID growth to my six year old would have been hard enough , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to French Immersion .
”

TORONTO — As schools prepare to reopen for the first time since the COVID-19 pandemic began, the Ontario Ministry of Education has assured students and teachers that the newly revised math curriculum will help them calculate their chances of survival.
“Going back to school in a pandemic is kind of scary,” said 9th grade student Emily Chau, “But it’s good to know our math teachers can teach us new and better ways to calculate exactly how scary it is”.
The Ministry of Education unveiled the updated math curriculum in late June, which includes new sections on financial literacy, coding and viral outbreak prediction modelling.
“We believe this new curriculum will better prepare students for their future careers, should they live long enough to have one,” said education minister Stephen Lecce during a recent news conference. “Reintroducing in-class learning will also give students a competitive advantage when they’re ready to join the workforce, by giving them early exposure both to coding and to a viral threat that is guaranteed to kill at least a few of their more qualified peers.”
The Ministry of Education says the new curriculum will replace “outdated and abstract examples” with ones that are more relevant to real life, such as using probability to calculate which of their classmates is an asymptomatic carrier, geometry to quantify the additional classroom space required to social distance, and creative problem solving to determine what happened to Mr. Edwards the custodian who called in sick a few weeks ago and never returned.
Documents included example questions, like “If a bus travels 50 km/h for 40 minutes and 30 km/h for 10 minutes, do we even need to bother protecting the semi-retired bus driver from COVID?” and “What’s the best way to blame education unions for all of this?”
But it’s not just students and teachers who will have to wrestle with tricky equations: Parents are anxious about helping their kids with the new math. One such parent is Carole Munoz, whose son is entering his first year of school: “Explaining exponential COVID growth to my six year old would have been hard enough, but I just had to send him to French Immersion.”


thebeaverton--2020-08-25--Local man fondly recalls early days of pandemic

Dartmouth , NS – 6 months in , local man Jackson Martin has been reduced to looking back with nostalgia at the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic .
“ Remember back in March when we were kind of excited to not go to work and everyone was just baking so much fucking bread , ” said Martin , sitting alone in the one bedroom apartment that has been his whole world for half a year .
“ Man , those were the days.
” “ And quiplash !
Remember how much fun quiplash was the first 2 to 3 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hate it and everyone involved in making it.
” This many months into lockdown Martin , like so many people , is no longer even reminiscing about life before quarantine .
Instead he is simply remembering what quarantine was like before he finished Netflix and every zoom invite caused him panic attacks .
“ Sure it would be nice to hug my friends who aren ’ t part of my bubble but you know what I really miss : when everyone was tweeting about Tiger King , ” said Martin before emitting a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then excused himself to scroll through texts he shared with friends in April , making summer plans “ for when COVID is over .
”

Dartmouth, NS – 6 months in, local man Jackson Martin has been reduced to looking back with nostalgia at the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic.
“Remember back in March when we were kind of excited to not go to work and everyone was just baking so much fucking bread,” said Martin, sitting alone in the one bedroom apartment that has been his whole world for half a year. “Man, those were the days.”
“And quiplash! Remember how much fun quiplash was the first 2 to 3 times you played before you grew to hate it and everyone involved in making it.”
This many months into lockdown Martin, like so many people, is no longer even reminiscing about life before quarantine. Instead he is simply remembering what quarantine was like before he finished Netflix and every zoom invite caused him panic attacks.
“Sure it would be nice to hug my friends who aren’t part of my bubble but you know what I really miss: when everyone was tweeting about Tiger King,” said Martin before emitting a soft whimper for 30 seconds.
Martin then excused himself to scroll through texts he shared with friends in April, making summer plans “for when COVID is over.”


thebeaverton--2020-08-25--Local woman’s bike shorts desperate to know to touch of bike seat just once

TORONTO – When lab technician , Sabrina Aleppo , acquired a pair of 7 ” inseam bike shorts , she did not expect to be tasked with mitigating the shorts ’ desperate need to actually ride a bike .
“ When I came into this world , cut and sewn from breathable fabric , I was given the moniker ‘ bike short , ’ and yet I have never lived up to my namesake , ” sighed the pair of neon pink bike shorts wistfully .
“ Before I perish away and am laid to rest at a Value Village @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I need to know the joy and freedom of straddling a bike seat.
” The young woman ’ s bike shorts have been impatiently waiting to mount a bicycle for months .
Recently the glorified summer leggings have taken to writing emo poetry and listening to Fiona Apple alone when not being worn by Aleppo .
“ My mother , bless her heart , was a pair of pedal pushers , ” weeped the bike shorts into a pint of ice-cream .
“ She was never given the privilege of pushing the pedals @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feel destined to follow her cursed fate.
” Aleppo has been less than sympathetic to her shorts ’ constant bemoaning , claiming that her bike shorts aren ’ t even padded .
According to her , the true purpose of the bike shorts isn ’ t to ride a bike , but instead to help her prevent chafing .
“ This is ridiculous !
I don ’ t even understand why the bike shorts are so upset .
I mean I used to own a newsboy cap , and yet I never delivered @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sweater , and yet I ’ ve never cast a line !
” Aleppo readjusted her collar and leaned into her Seinfeld-esque gripe .
“ I mean what is the deal with that !
” Currently , the negotiations between woman and short rage on .
Aleppo has threatened to purchase another trendy pair of bike shorts , while her shorts have offered to settle for a tricycle , or God-forbid , even a unicycle .

TORONTO – When lab technician, Sabrina Aleppo, acquired a pair of 7” inseam bike shorts, she did not expect to be tasked with mitigating the shorts’ desperate need to actually ride a bike.
“When I came into this world, cut and sewn from breathable fabric, I was given the moniker ‘bike short,’ and yet I have never lived up to my namesake,” sighed the pair of neon pink bike shorts wistfully. “Before I perish away and am laid to rest at a Value Village, or worse- in a landfill, I need to know the joy and freedom of straddling a bike seat.”
The young woman’s bike shorts have been impatiently waiting to mount a bicycle for months. Recently the glorified summer leggings have taken to writing emo poetry and listening to Fiona Apple alone when not being worn by Aleppo.
“My mother, bless her heart, was a pair of pedal pushers,” weeped the bike shorts into a pint of ice-cream. “She was never given the privilege of pushing the pedals of a bicycle, and now I feel destined to follow her cursed fate.”
Aleppo has been less than sympathetic to her shorts’ constant bemoaning, claiming that her bike shorts aren’t even padded. According to her, the true purpose of the bike shorts isn’t to ride a bike, but instead to help her prevent chafing.
“This is ridiculous! I don’t even understand why the bike shorts are so upset. I mean I used to own a newsboy cap, and yet I never delivered newspapers. I also own a fisherman sweater, and yet I’ve never cast a line!” Aleppo readjusted her collar and leaned into her Seinfeld-esque gripe. “I mean what is the deal with that!”
Currently, the negotiations between woman and short rage on. Aleppo has threatened to purchase another trendy pair of bike shorts, while her shorts have offered to settle for a tricycle, or God-forbid, even a unicycle.


thebeaverton--2020-08-28--SIU decides to drop “Investigations” from name

TORONTO – After once again clearing all police officers of any wrongdoing in the death of another Black Torontonian , the Special Investigations Unit has opted to remove the word “ Investigations ” from their name in order to avoid giving anybody the impression that they might bother finding reasons to lay charges against police more than 3 % of the time .
Five police officers were cleared of all responsibility in the death of Regis Korchinski-Paquet according to the giant rubber stamp that reads “ THE COPS DIDN ’ T DO IT ” that gets stamped onto over 97 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ While Ontario ’ s Special Investigations Unit was created in order to provide civilian oversight over police in the province , it ’ s finally time for us to admit to what things are really like around here , ” explained Attorney General Doug Downey .
“ That ’ s why we figured let ’ s just drop the word ‘ Investigations ’ from the name since we ’ re not fooling anybody .
Come to think of it it ’ s a bit rich for us to call this a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ how many cops we employ.
” Ontario Premier Doug Ford has responded to the renaming of the Unit by allocating an additional $ 300 million in funding for rebranding as well as hiring more officers to operate the giant rubber stamp .
The Unit has promised to celebrate its new name by opening an investigation into how they can get a float into next year ’ s Pride parade .

TORONTO – After once again clearing all police officers of any wrongdoing in the death of another Black Torontonian, the Special Investigations Unit has opted to remove the word “Investigations” from their name in order to avoid giving anybody the impression that they might bother finding reasons to lay charges against police more than 3% of the time.
Five police officers were cleared of all responsibility in the death of Regis Korchinski-Paquet according to the giant rubber stamp that reads “THE COPS DIDN’T DO IT” that gets stamped onto over 97% of cases brought before the Unit.
“While Ontario’s Special Investigations Unit was created in order to provide civilian oversight over police in the province, it’s finally time for us to admit to what things are really like around here,” explained Attorney General Doug Downey. “That’s why we figured let’s just drop the word ‘Investigations’ from the name since we’re not fooling anybody. Come to think of it it’s a bit rich for us to call this a civilian oversight agency when you think about how many cops we employ.”
Ontario Premier Doug Ford has responded to the renaming of the Unit by allocating an additional $300 million in funding for rebranding as well as hiring more officers to operate the giant rubber stamp.
The Unit has promised to celebrate its new name by opening an investigation into how they can get a float into next year’s Pride parade.


thebeaverton--2020-08-28--Man whose campaign slogan proposed violent fight for power against people he disagrees with hopes to

Man whose campaign slogan proposed violent fight for power against people he disagrees with hopes to win over moderates

OTTAWA – Erin O ’ Toole , whose campaign slogan was ‘ Take Canada Back ’ has announced that he will focus on trying to win over the moderate voters that Andrew Scheer ’ s social conservatism scared away .
“ Canadians need to see how much they agree with Conservative Party values like freedom , lower taxes and support for the middle class , ” said O ’ Toole , who still hasn ’ t defined exactly who he wants to take Canada back from .
“ I promise to appeal to both everyday Canadians just trying to look @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wingers who only care about owning the libs , ” he added .
It ’ s not clear how exactly O ’ Toole plans to reach out to disaffected Liberal or even NDP voters , although sources within the Conservative Party have suggested taking action on climate change , and dropping his plan to jail journalists who say things he doesn ’ t like .
“ I think if Erin can convince Canadians that he ’ ll be good for the economy and that he won ’ t provoke any kind of race @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , he ’ s got a real chance , ” said one party insider .
In related news the “ liberal elite ” currently looking for work to pay for food and/or rent on their Toronto basement apartments were excited to find out they currently “ have ” Canada .

OTTAWA – Erin O’Toole, whose campaign slogan was ‘Take Canada Back’ has announced that he will focus on trying to win over the moderate voters that Andrew Scheer’s social conservatism scared away.
“Canadians need to see how much they agree with Conservative Party values like freedom, lower taxes and support for the middle class,” said O’Toole, who still hasn’t defined exactly who he wants to take Canada back from.
“I promise to appeal to both everyday Canadians just trying to look after their families and die hard right wingers who only care about owning the libs,” he added.
It’s not clear how exactly O’Toole plans to reach out to disaffected Liberal or even NDP voters, although sources within the Conservative Party have suggested taking action on climate change, and dropping his plan to jail journalists who say things he doesn’t like.
“I think if Erin can convince Canadians that he’ll be good for the economy and that he won’t provoke any kind of race war until at least his second term, he’s got a real chance,” said one party insider.
In related news the “liberal elite” currently looking for work to pay for food and/or rent on their Toronto basement apartments were excited to find out they currently “have” Canada.


thebeaverton--2020-08-28--Scientists reluctantly admit they don’t know how birds have sex either

VICTORIA – Leading bird scientists worldwide have released a joint statement out of the International Ornithological Society confirming a long-standing weakness in their field of study : none of them quite understand how birds have sex .
“ We know an extensive amount about the biology and behaviours of birds of all species .
In fact , I would even venture to say we know pretty much all there is about that particular class of animals , ” stated Dr. Richard Gundvale , President of the Society , “ but for the life of us , we just can ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do the nasty.
” The Society is quick to point out that it is not as if they haven ’ t bothered to try and figure out the answer .
Theories over the decades have included the possibility that the boy bird sprays something onto the eggs , that they poke their beaks into some hole that the scientists still haven ’ t discovered , or that they rub their feathers against each other until “ something happens ” .
Ultimately , each theory failed when scientists just couldn ’ t find the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ examined .
“ You tell me where the naughty parts are on those things !
It ’ s impossible !
” screamed Dr. Gundvale to assembled reporters , “ And then sometimes the eggs hatch into birds and sometimes they don ’ t and you can eat them ?
” “ It ’ s just bonkers is what it is !
” he shouted .
Embarrassed by not knowing what should be the first thing an animal researcher figures out , this gap has remained one of the discipline ’ s best kept @ @ @ @ @ @ @ smart , black glasses and fancy lab coats on the scientists , led members of the public to assume researchers probably had it all figured out .
As time passed , the lie just became too big to admit .
“ The ruse completely unravelled when Professor Shelly Bambridge at the University of Sydney was asked a routine question about Kiwi mating habits at the Annual Forum on the Conservation of Threatened Species , ” admitted Dr. Gundvale , “ her panicked weeping and televised breakdown made us realize the jig was up.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ has committed itself anew to determining the answer to the question .
The biggest obstacle to date has been that the nests where the scientists suspect it is happening are just way up in the air and available funding did not allow sufficiently tall ladders .
As a workaround , biologists out of a field lab set up in Kenya suggest that they will be exploring whether ostriches do it by running into each other real fast .
They also plan to liaise with US doctors to see if that ’ s what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ year .
Dr. Gundvale remarked , “ It ’ s actually kind of ironic that it ’ s called the ‘ birds and the bees ’ .
We have no idea how the birds do it .
And the bees ?
Forget about it !
”

VICTORIA – Leading bird scientists worldwide have released a joint statement out of the International Ornithological Society confirming a long-standing weakness in their field of study: none of them quite understand how birds have sex.
“We know an extensive amount about the biology and behaviours of birds of all species. In fact, I would even venture to say we know pretty much all there is about that particular class of animals,” stated Dr. Richard Gundvale, President of the Society, “but for the life of us, we just can’t wrap our noodles around how they do the nasty.”
The Society is quick to point out that it is not as if they haven’t bothered to try and figure out the answer. Theories over the decades have included the possibility that the boy bird sprays something onto the eggs, that they poke their beaks into some hole that the scientists still haven’t discovered, or that they rub their feathers against each other until “something happens”. Ultimately, each theory failed when scientists just couldn’t find the penis on any of the birds being examined.
“You tell me where the naughty parts are on those things! It’s impossible!” screamed Dr. Gundvale to assembled reporters, “And then sometimes the eggs hatch into birds and sometimes they don’t and you can eat them?”
“It’s just bonkers is what it is!” he shouted.
Embarrassed by not knowing what should be the first thing an animal researcher figures out, this gap has remained one of the discipline’s best kept secrets for centuries. Fortunately, the smart, black glasses and fancy lab coats on the scientists, led members of the public to assume researchers probably had it all figured out. As time passed, the lie just became too big to admit.
“The ruse completely unravelled when Professor Shelly Bambridge at the University of Sydney was asked a routine question about Kiwi mating habits at the Annual Forum on the Conservation of Threatened Species,” admitted Dr. Gundvale, “her panicked weeping and televised breakdown made us realize the jig was up.”
Despite the admission, the Society has committed itself anew to determining the answer to the question. The biggest obstacle to date has been that the nests where the scientists suspect it is happening are just way up in the air and available funding did not allow sufficiently tall ladders. As a workaround, biologists out of a field lab set up in Kenya suggest that they will be exploring whether ostriches do it by running into each other real fast. They also plan to liaise with US doctors to see if that’s what they do when they fly south every year.
Dr. Gundvale remarked, “It’s actually kind of ironic that it’s called the ‘birds and the bees’. We have no idea how the birds do it. And the bees? Forget about it!”


thebeaverton--2020-08-28--Piccolo, Knuckles and 4 other cartoon characters you didn’t know are Black

Many Black kids like me fondly remember the days of staying up late to watch anime and getting up early to watch Saturday morning cartoons featuring characters of literally all colours .
But did you know that some of these characters are actually members of the diaspora because us Black boys and girls had to make up for the lack of representation in animation with something ?
So allow me to show you some examples of cartoon characters who don ’ t look , but indeed are , Black .
With proof !
Ah yes , the great Namekian Demon @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Z .
Although he sports green and pink skin , this fighter is undeniably Black .
Given that the colour of his skin makes it hard for him to fit in , that he fully adopts a B-boy style when he wears Earthling clothes , and that his home planet was destroyed by colonizers , Piccolo ’ s narrative is nothing other than one from the diaspora .
The echidna was introduced to be second-fiddle to the titular hedgehog of this famed video game series , but his collected and stoic attitude made @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
His unending quest to reclaim relics stolen from his people is a perfectly relatable struggle , and he fully has dreadlocks .
Enough questions asked .
As if it wasn ’ t enough that he ’ s cool , and the fastest guy on the planet , he was voiced by Jaleel White in his 90 ’ s television show .
“ Did I do that ?
” If by “ do that ” he means be Black ?
Then yes .
Yes , he did .
Tails is Black too .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the whole crew .
Is Black .
And a bottom .
I dare you to prove me wrong .
This stop-motion penguin has the mischievous energy of a mixed child named Elijah .
The penguin family has the complete look of a family that emigrated from the Carribean to Edmonton , and that totally explains all the ice and snow .
6 .
All the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles except Donatello ( Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ) Although they may be anthropomorphized turtles who are named after Italian renaissance painters and who do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are constantly doing the work despite being sent underground by an oppressive society .
They are Black as hell .
Except Donatello .
He can hang , though .
So there you have it !
When you take your nostalgia trips back to Sonic Adventure games and wonder why Knuckles themes are always rap songs , now you know why !

Many Black kids like me fondly remember the days of staying up late to watch anime and getting up early to watch Saturday morning cartoons featuring characters of literally all colours. But did you know that some of these characters are actually members of the diaspora because us Black boys and girls had to make up for the lack of representation in animation with something? So allow me to show you some examples of cartoon characters who don’t look, but indeed are, Black. With proof!
1. Piccolo (Dragon Ball Z)
Ah yes, the great Namekian Demon King from the supercharged anime Dragon Ball Z. Although he sports green and pink skin, this fighter is undeniably Black. Given that the colour of his skin makes it hard for him to fit in, that he fully adopts a B-boy style when he wears Earthling clothes, and that his home planet was destroyed by colonizers, Piccolo’s narrative is nothing other than one from the diaspora.
2. Knuckles (Sonic the Hedgehog)
The echidna was introduced to be second-fiddle to the titular hedgehog of this famed video game series, but his collected and stoic attitude made him a star to Black boys everywhere. His unending quest to reclaim relics stolen from his people is a perfectly relatable struggle, and he fully has dreadlocks. Enough questions asked.
3. Sonic (Sonic the Hedgehog)
As if it wasn’t enough that he’s cool, and the fastest guy on the planet, he was voiced by Jaleel White in his 90’s television show. “Did I do that?” If by “do that” he means be Black? Then yes. Yes, he did. Tails is Black too. I’m just going to claim the whole crew.
4. Luigi (Super Mario)
Is Black. And a bottom. I dare you to prove me wrong.
This stop-motion penguin has the mischievous energy of a mixed child named Elijah. The penguin family has the complete look of a family that emigrated from the Carribean to Edmonton, and that totally explains all the ice and snow.
6. All the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles except Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
Although they may be anthropomorphized turtles who are named after Italian renaissance painters and who do Japanese martial arts, these unsung heroes are constantly doing the work despite being sent underground by an oppressive society. They are Black as hell. Except Donatello. He can hang, though.
So there you have it! When you take your nostalgia trips back to Sonic Adventure games and wonder why Knuckles themes are always rap songs, now you know why!


thebeaverton--2020-08-29--Edmonton police spend $500,000 on proof they are incapable of reading the goddamn room

EDMONTON – As calls are going out to defund and demilitarize police forces across North America , the Edmonton Police Service are loudly proclaiming themselves to be completely unaware of the current political climate with their purchase of a new “ tactical armoured truck.
” “ We have no access to news reports , social media , or general conversation with other humans and we think this is a great time to spend half a million dollars on a piece of military equipment to menace and control the population of Edmonton , ” a spokesperson for the EPS said while @ @ @ @ @ @ @ forces have recently demonstrated that they are utterly unable to comprehend or adapt to the current historical moment , the Edmonton Police Force is proving themselves to be among the elite in burying their heads in expensive armoured sand .
“ We know the people of Edmonton will be pleased to learn their police force is so well equipped to deal with combat conditions , ” the EPS spokesperson continued , “ because citizens love it when law enforcement makes it clear they view the population they are ostensibly tasked with protecting like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The purchase of the armoured vehicle was approved two years ago and the city councillors involved in that approval have defended their actions , with one arguing “ this was a good idea in 2018 because opposition to police militarization didn ’ t exist then , we only found out this year that people think public servants shouldn ’ t have tanks.
” At press time the EPS was proud to introduce a new public relations program wherein uniformed officers stop BIPOC on the street and give them a greeting card featuring a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a great day , a process the EPS is referring to as “ carding .
”

EDMONTON – As calls are going out to defund and demilitarize police forces across North America, the Edmonton Police Service are loudly proclaiming themselves to be completely unaware of the current political climate with their purchase of a new “tactical armoured truck.”
“We have no access to news reports, social media, or general conversation with other humans and we think this is a great time to spend half a million dollars on a piece of military equipment to menace and control the population of Edmonton,” a spokesperson for the EPS said while announcing the purchase.
While many police forces have recently demonstrated that they are utterly unable to comprehend or adapt to the current historical moment, the Edmonton Police Force is proving themselves to be among the elite in burying their heads in expensive armoured sand.
“We know the people of Edmonton will be pleased to learn their police force is so well equipped to deal with combat conditions,” the EPS spokesperson continued, “because citizens love it when law enforcement makes it clear they view the population they are ostensibly tasked with protecting like the enemy in an active warzone.”
The purchase of the armoured vehicle was approved two years ago and the city councillors involved in that approval have defended their actions, with one arguing “this was a good idea in 2018 because opposition to police militarization didn’t exist then, we only found out this year that people think public servants shouldn’t have tanks.”
At press time the EPS was proud to introduce a new public relations program wherein uniformed officers stop BIPOC on the street and give them a greeting card featuring a cartoon police officer telling them to have a great day, a process the EPS is referring to as “carding.”


thebeaverton--2020-08-29--Sad man finds new favourite flavour of chips

WINNIPEG – Local pitiful human being , Jordan Wright , 34 , has cemented his status as a notably bleak man by announcing that he has discovered a new favourite flavour of potato chips .
“ Oh God , he even posted about it on Instagram , ” said Trevor Marks , coworker and nominal friend to Wright .
The post , uploaded at 9:30pm on a Saturday night , read : “ Think I ’ ve found a new favourite flavour of chips !
Korean BBQ !
Yum !
# chips ” The instagram post features an opened bag @ @ @ @ @ @ @ chips , and not a single human soul other than Wright .
“ Oh God , he added more hashtags .
# chiplife # foodie # hobbies .
This is too sad to even give it a like , ” added Marks .
Experts have determined that the chips in question are not imported , nor are they even particularly rare or notable .
In fact , the Korean BBQ flavour is part of a discount potato chip brand sold exclusively at Walmart , thus increasing the sadness quotient of Wright ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Wright ’ s depressing chip-endorsing behaviour is not pandemic-related , but in fact “ just how he is all the time ” .
“ His previous favourite chips were Original Lays , non-ruffled , ” added former girlfriend Letitia Thomas .
“ He would mention it , a lot.
” While Wright has long enjoyed a reputation for being the most dispiriting individual in his entire social circle , his recent “ new favourite chips ” post has led observers to acknowledge that he has plumbed previously-unimagined depths of hopelessness .
Previous lowlights @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his habit of live-tweeting reruns of The Office , an entirely Dockers wardrobe , and a brief dalliance in livestream birdwatching .
“ Jordan ’ s life is a nightmare , ” added younger sister Marianne Wright-Parker , 31 .
“ Just try to imagine having so little going on in your life that it occurs to you to identify a new brand of chips as ‘ your favourite ’ , let alone to post about it to everyone that you know .
I would check on him more , but I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me with whatever it is that makes his life such a sucking void.
” When reached for comment , walking black hole of hope Wright personally described himself as “ a pretty happy-go-lucky guy .
”

WINNIPEG – Local pitiful human being, Jordan Wright, 34, has cemented his status as a notably bleak man by announcing that he has discovered a new favourite flavour of potato chips.
“Oh God, he even posted about it on Instagram,” said Trevor Marks, coworker and nominal friend to Wright. The post, uploaded at 9:30pm on a Saturday night, read: “Think I’ve found a new favourite flavour of chips! Korean BBQ! Yum! #chips” The instagram post features an opened bag of chips, a bowl of said chips, and not a single human soul other than Wright.
“Oh God, he added more hashtags. #chiplife #foodie #hobbies. This is too sad to even give it a like,” added Marks.
Experts have determined that the chips in question are not imported, nor are they even particularly rare or notable. In fact, the Korean BBQ flavour is part of a discount potato chip brand sold exclusively at Walmart, thus increasing the sadness quotient of Wright’s announcement exponentially.
Sources also indicated that Wright’s depressing chip-endorsing behaviour is not pandemic-related, but in fact “just how he is all the time”.
“His previous favourite chips were Original Lays, non-ruffled,” added former girlfriend Letitia Thomas. “He would mention it, a lot.”
While Wright has long enjoyed a reputation for being the most dispiriting individual in his entire social circle, his recent “new favourite chips” post has led observers to acknowledge that he has plumbed previously-unimagined depths of hopelessness. Previous lowlights of Wright’s generally-pitiful existence include his habit of live-tweeting reruns of The Office, an entirely Dockers wardrobe, and a brief dalliance in livestream birdwatching.
“Jordan’s life is a nightmare,” added younger sister Marianne Wright-Parker, 31. “Just try to imagine having so little going on in your life that it occurs to you to identify a new brand of chips as ‘your favourite’, let alone to post about it to everyone that you know. I would check on him more, but I’m honestly worried my brother will infect me with whatever it is that makes his life such a sucking void.”
When reached for comment, walking black hole of hope Wright personally described himself as “a pretty happy-go-lucky guy.”


thebeaverton--2020-08-30--Cute social distancing sign instructing to ‘stay four and a half bunnies apart’ pretty confusing, cl

Cute social distancing sign instructing to ‘stay four and a half bunnies apart’ pretty confusing, claim children

CORNWALL , ON – Signs at the City Kids Summer Camp at the Mackenzie Bowell Recreation Centre are urging camp goers to stay “ four and a half bunnies apart , ” and while campers agree it ’ s a very cute way to get the social distancing message across , they also find the signs very disorienting .
“ I have questions , ” says Tamara Rich , 8 .
“ Are the bunnies big fat bunnies like my friend Maya has ?
Or are they small , like the kind a magician uses ?
And how did that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
Is it okay ?
” The staff of the Camp are very proud of the signs , crediting one of the counsellors , Devon Masterson , with the idea and the design .
Masterson stayed up all night the night before the camp opened making the signs .
“ We have to make COVID fun for the kids , ” explained Devon as she was separating children who had gotten too close together and placing them in their Distancing Hula Hoops .
“ We were considering cupcakes , or Miguels , after @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the end we decided on bunnies .
They ’ re cute , and every kid knows that your average rabbit is 45cm long .
So It ’ s very relatable and simple for the children to think about social distancing this way.
” One of the downsides of the vague signs is that about twice a day the staff will have to deal with a “ screamer , ” their term for an anxious child that thinks of bunnies as Bugs Bunny-sized , and starts screaming when other campers get within 20 feet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lot of time comforting children pointing at the half bunny and crying , especially after one of the older campers vandalized the half bunny by drawing blood gushing out of its severed body .
“ This whole situation is messed up , ” says Paul Lawrence , a parent of two campers .
“ I just wanted to be able to drop my kids off and go to work , but then when I pick them up I ’ m blasted with non-stop questions about how big bunnies are , and how many @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can half bunnies have children .
I don ’ t know !
I don ’ t know anything about bunnies !
” At press time Devon was putting the finishing touches on her Corrie the Coronavirus costume , a mascot that she had designed to “ either scare or comfort the children , maybe both ?
”

CORNWALL, ON – Signs at the City Kids Summer Camp at the Mackenzie Bowell Recreation Centre are urging camp goers to stay “four and a half bunnies apart,” and while campers agree it’s a very cute way to get the social distancing message across, they also find the signs very disorienting.
“I have questions,” says Tamara Rich, 8. “Are the bunnies big fat bunnies like my friend Maya has? Or are they small, like the kind a magician uses? And how did that half bunny get to be that way? Is it okay?”
The staff of the Camp are very proud of the signs, crediting one of the counsellors, Devon Masterson, with the idea and the design. Masterson stayed up all night the night before the camp opened making the signs.
“We have to make COVID fun for the kids,” explained Devon as she was separating children who had gotten too close together and placing them in their Distancing Hula Hoops. “We were considering cupcakes, or Miguels, after our favourite camper Miguel, but in the end we decided on bunnies. They’re cute, and every kid knows that your average rabbit is 45cm long. So It’s very relatable and simple for the children to think about social distancing this way.”
One of the downsides of the vague signs is that about twice a day the staff will have to deal with a “screamer,” their term for an anxious child that thinks of bunnies as Bugs Bunny-sized, and starts screaming when other campers get within 20 feet. Camp staff have also spent a lot of time comforting children pointing at the half bunny and crying, especially after one of the older campers vandalized the half bunny by drawing blood gushing out of its severed body.
“This whole situation is messed up,” says Paul Lawrence, a parent of two campers. “I just wanted to be able to drop my kids off and go to work, but then when I pick them up I’m blasted with non-stop questions about how big bunnies are, and how many bunnies away is that tree, and can half bunnies have children. I don’t know! I don’t know anything about bunnies!”
At press time Devon was putting the finishing touches on her Corrie the Coronavirus costume, a mascot that she had designed to “either scare or comfort the children, maybe both?”


thebeaverton--2020-08-30--Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history

MONTREAL – Time and space as we know it was thrown into temporal flux today as protestors pulled down a statue of Sir John A. MacDonal , causing Canada ’ s first prime minister to be suddenly erased from the entire timestream .
“ The 4th dimensional walls of reality are threatening to collapse in on themselves , ” said Sgt .
Jean-Luc Branent , of the Montreal Police .
“ With this one statue no longer left to commemorate him , Prime Minister MacDonald has permanently erased from the chronostream !
He no longer appears in any of our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or records , because he was never born !
” “ Run !
Run for your lives from the quantum timequake , ” screamed Branent as he outraced a shimmering wall of 4th dimensional energy unleashed by the felled statue .
According to temporal astrophysicists , the moment this particular J.A .
MacDonald statue was toppled it caused a chain reaction which instantly blinked the 19th century Scotsman and politician from existence .
“ Without that statue we have absolutely no way of knowing whether he even existed at all , ” explained @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Waterloo Chronal Anomalies Department .
“ It will be the same quantum cataclysm that followed the toppling of Confederate statues , which erased… whoever it is that lost the Civil War .
They ’ ve been unmade as well !
Great Scott !
” Dr. Singh exclaimed .
“ These protestors are destroying our history – literally , ” said talk radio caller Dennis March , 46 .
“ Without a statue of someone , how will we remember they were alive ?
Or how will the delicate balance of the the space @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be maintained ?
” March then blinked instantaneously out of existence , due to the fact that he is a descendant of the recently-erased MacDonald .
While protestors acknowledged their desire to denounce Prime Minister MacDonald , they claim they were completely unprepared to unwrite the temporal record .
“ We just wanted to highlight MacDonald ’ s role in historical Aboriginal genocide , ” exclaimed protestor Francois Manafret .
“ We had no idea that the only thing keeping historical figures anchored in the fabric of reality itself was these modern day @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I guess our only option to keep the whole of reality from collapsing into a black hole will be to forever guard all statues of every racist , slaveholder , and Conrad Black , until the end of time .
”

MONTREAL – Time and space as we know it was thrown into temporal flux today as protestors pulled down a statue of Sir John A. MacDonal, causing Canada’s first prime minister to be suddenly erased from the entire timestream.
“The 4th dimensional walls of reality are threatening to collapse in on themselves,” said Sgt. Jean-Luc Branent, of the Montreal Police. “With this one statue no longer left to commemorate him, Prime Minister MacDonald has permanently erased from the chronostream! He no longer appears in any of our history books, museums, films, or records, because he was never born!”
“Run! Run for your lives from the quantum timequake,” screamed Branent as he outraced a shimmering wall of 4th dimensional energy unleashed by the felled statue.
According to temporal astrophysicists, the moment this particular J.A. MacDonald statue was toppled it caused a chain reaction which instantly blinked the 19th century Scotsman and politician from existence. “Without that statue we have absolutely no way of knowing whether he even existed at all,” explained Dr. Eileen Singh from the University of Waterloo Chronal Anomalies Department.
“It will be the same quantum cataclysm that followed the toppling of Confederate statues, which erased… whoever it is that lost the Civil War. They’ve been unmade as well! Great Scott!” Dr. Singh exclaimed.
“These protestors are destroying our history – literally,” said talk radio caller Dennis March, 46. “Without a statue of someone, how will we remember they were alive? Or how will the delicate balance of the the space time continuum in all its myriad dimensions be maintained?”
March then blinked instantaneously out of existence, due to the fact that he is a descendant of the recently-erased MacDonald.
While protestors acknowledged their desire to denounce Prime Minister MacDonald, they claim they were completely unprepared to unwrite the temporal record. “We just wanted to highlight MacDonald’s role in historical Aboriginal genocide,” exclaimed protestor Francois Manafret. “We had no idea that the only thing keeping historical figures anchored in the fabric of reality itself was these modern day statues.”
Manafret added solemnly, “I guess our only option to keep the whole of reality from collapsing into a black hole will be to forever guard all statues of every racist, slaveholder, and Conrad Black, until the end of time.”


thebeaverton--2020-08-31--Trudeau chides vandals for not politely asking statue to stop being monument to brutal racist

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau wanted those who toppled a statue of noted proponent of Indigenous genocide Sir John A. Macdonald to know he is deeply disappointed in them for not using their words to change the statue ’ s nature instead .
“ Imagine the dialogue that could have been opened if these vandals had attempted to reason with the statue , or to get the statue ’ s side of the story .
Instead , they immediately resorted to violent vandalism and statuary decapitation , ” Trudeau said , shaking his own head in disgust .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for being a celebratory depiction of a man whose brutality towards Indigenous peoples in order to open up western Canada to white settlement resulted in tens of thousands of deaths and whose introduction of the nationwide residential school system continues to devastate Indigenous communities over a century later .
Now we ’ ll never know , ” Trudeau lamented .
The statue , which prior to its toppling and decapitation never bothered to explain why it deserved to exist , was toppled during a protest against law enforcement brutality , a fact which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ appealed to a need for law and order while denouncing the attack on the defenseless effigy .
“ We are a country of laws , and we are a country that needs to respect those laws even as we seek to improve and change them .
Like how I used to smoke cannabis before it was legal , but it was okay for me to break that law for recreational purposes because then I became prime minister and changed the law I broke .
So unless these statue vandals become prime minister and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve done is and will continue to be wrong , ” Trudeau continued .
“ Canada needs to move forward in the right way , and that means respecting the rights of commemorative shrines to men who caused untold death and suffering .
If you want change , you need to convince the statues to stand down peacefully on their own by appealing to their empathy and reason .
This is how we fight injustice : with words , not action .
And if those words fall on deaf metallic ears , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t actually shout , use your indoor voice or you might get tear gassed.
” Trudeau concluded his remarks by giving his deepest sympathies to the statue ’ s family for their immeasurable loss .

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau wanted those who toppled a statue of noted proponent of Indigenous genocide Sir John A. Macdonald to know he is deeply disappointed in them for not using their words to change the statue’s nature instead.
“Imagine the dialogue that could have been opened if these vandals had attempted to reason with the statue, or to get the statue’s side of the story. Instead, they immediately resorted to violent vandalism and statuary decapitation,” Trudeau said, shaking his own head in disgust.
“Maybe the statue had a good reason for being a celebratory depiction of a man whose brutality towards Indigenous peoples in order to open up western Canada to white settlement resulted in tens of thousands of deaths and whose introduction of the nationwide residential school system continues to devastate Indigenous communities over a century later. Now we’ll never know,” Trudeau lamented.
The statue, which prior to its toppling and decapitation never bothered to explain why it deserved to exist, was toppled during a protest against law enforcement brutality, a fact which was not lost on Trudeau as he appealed to a need for law and order while denouncing the attack on the defenseless effigy.
“We are a country of laws, and we are a country that needs to respect those laws even as we seek to improve and change them. Like how I used to smoke cannabis before it was legal, but it was okay for me to break that law for recreational purposes because then I became prime minister and changed the law I broke. So unless these statue vandals become prime minister and make statue vandalism legal, what they’ve done is and will continue to be wrong,” Trudeau continued.
“Canada needs to move forward in the right way, and that means respecting the rights of commemorative shrines to men who caused untold death and suffering. If you want change, you need to convince the statues to stand down peacefully on their own by appealing to their empathy and reason. This is how we fight injustice: with words, not action. And if those words fall on deaf metallic ears, well then, shout louder. But don’t actually shout, use your indoor voice or you might get tear gassed.”
Trudeau concluded his remarks by giving his deepest sympathies to the statue’s family for their immeasurable loss.


thebeaverton--2020-08-31--Erin O’Toole nabs Canada’s coveted racist statue demographic

OTTAWA – This weekend the Conservative Party ’ s new leader made promising inroads with a key voter demographic : Canada ’ s tight-knit community of racist statues .
“ What happened to our brother John A. McDonald in Montreal was devastating , ” said the statue of John A. McDonald in Toronto ’ s Queen ’ s Park .
“ To see an elected official choose to stand up for us , first , before any other living Canadian… it ’ s touching.
” After activists dismantled the statue in Montreal , brand new Conservative Party leader Erin O @ @ @ @ @ @ @ power for its first and most important order of business : posting quick-thinking tweets defending the statue ’ s right to stand in public .
Statues across the nation have since pledged to vote for the Conservatives as long as O ’ Toole is in power .
“ Erin O ’ Toole understands that all I want to do is glorify this country ’ s history of Indigenous genocide while also having a bunch of birds shit on my head , ” an indignant statue of John A. McDonald standing in Charlottestown explained @ @ @ @ @ @ @ under threat right now .
I dread the clinical context of a museum , and the Statue Bible clearly states there will be no birds to shit on me in Statue Hell.
” Although racist statues make up at most 50ish voters in even the largest cities , Conservatives see them as a key inroad to finally winning over the urban vote .
“ The racist statue vote is important to us , ” a Conservative analyst explained .
“ With them , we have a great chance of locking down support from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and , if we ’ re lucky , all of the shoes in the Bata Shoe Museum.
” Racist statues across the nation are showing support for O ’ Toole in a myriad of ways .
The outstretched hand of Toronto ’ s Egerton Ryerson statue now holds a “ Take Canada Back ” licensed tote bag , and Ottawa ’ s Samuel De Champlain has replaced his cross with a picture of O ’ Toole ’ s wife , Rebecca .
But O ’ Toole ’ s tweets haven ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Calgary ’ s weird steampunk horse statue has pledged to continue to write in H.P Lovecraft on every ballot , and the big metal spider in Ottawa released a statement claiming she is too busy to vote on account of her ongoing quest to eat the sun .
Indigenous activists also appear to be displeased with the tweets , though a CPC insider says the party does not see them as a significant voting bloc .
But for the racist statues that stand among us , this is a significant win .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and think ‘ why are you doing that ?
’ But haters say that about me and my weird little cylinder prop all the time , ” said Regina ’ s statue of John A. McDonald .
“ He ’ s the type of guy who gets along with people like me , a guy you could really sit down and have a glass of hydrochloric acid with .
He ’ s got my vote !
”

OTTAWA – This weekend the Conservative Party’s new leader made promising inroads with a key voter demographic: Canada’s tight-knit community of racist statues.
“What happened to our brother John A. McDonald in Montreal was devastating,” said the statue of John A. McDonald in Toronto’s Queen’s Park. “To see an elected official choose to stand up for us, first, before any other living Canadian… it’s touching.”
After activists dismantled the statue in Montreal, brand new Conservative Party leader Erin O’Toole leveraged his new seat of power for its first and most important order of business: posting quick-thinking tweets defending the statue’s right to stand in public. Statues across the nation have since pledged to vote for the Conservatives as long as O’Toole is in power.
“Erin O’Toole understands that all I want to do is glorify this country’s history of Indigenous genocide while also having a bunch of birds shit on my head,” an indignant statue of John A. McDonald standing in Charlottestown explained. “Both of those rights are under threat right now. I dread the clinical context of a museum, and the Statue Bible clearly states there will be no birds to shit on me in Statue Hell.”
Although racist statues make up at most 50ish voters in even the largest cities, Conservatives see them as a key inroad to finally winning over the urban vote.
“The racist statue vote is important to us,” a Conservative analyst explained. “With them, we have a great chance of locking down support from generic condo sculptures, broken park fountains, and, if we’re lucky, all of the shoes in the Bata Shoe Museum.”
Racist statues across the nation are showing support for O’Toole in a myriad of ways. The outstretched hand of Toronto’s Egerton Ryerson statue now holds a “Take Canada Back” licensed tote bag, and Ottawa’s Samuel De Champlain has replaced his cross with a picture of O’Toole’s wife, Rebecca.
But O’Toole’s tweets haven’t been as impactful in other communities. Calgary’s weird steampunk horse statue has pledged to continue to write in H.P Lovecraft on every ballot, and the big metal spider in Ottawa released a statement claiming she is too busy to vote on account of her ongoing quest to eat the sun. Indigenous activists also appear to be displeased with the tweets, though a CPC insider says the party does not see them as a significant voting bloc.
But for the racist statues that stand among us, this is a significant win.
“I know some people look at him and think ‘why are you doing that?’ But haters say that about me and my weird little cylinder prop all the time,” said Regina’s statue of John A. McDonald. “He’s the type of guy who gets along with people like me, a guy you could really sit down and have a glass of hydrochloric acid with. He’s got my vote! ”


thebeaverton--2020-08-31--Liberals commit $100 million to resupply toner for redacted documents

OTTAWA – Pledging to restart the office appliance economy , the federal government is investing in over $ 100 million in toner cartridges for its many redacted information requests .
The government was candid about the lack of preparation when providing the press and the public with timely non-information .
“ We were not adequately prepared for the WE scandal , ” explained Procurement Minister Anita Anand .
“ Public servants and their photocopiers were exhausted from covering up revealing details .
Some were forced to commandeer several printers at a local Staples to meet the demand.
” Whether it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up information on WE charity connections to the Liberal government or the Defence Department covering up information on a child molester , government officials insist printers will be busy removing information 24/7 .
“ Our government is committed to creating an emergency stockpile of cartridges and black markers so this lack of transparency continues to happen , ” said Anand .
“ Plus , a $ 5 ATIP now comes with at least $ 10 worth of ink on it , which is a great deal.
” At press time , documents containing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ contract were redacted due privacy concerns .

OTTAWA – Pledging to restart the office appliance economy, the federal government is investing in over $100 million in toner cartridges for its many redacted information requests.
The government was candid about the lack of preparation when providing the press and the public with timely non-information.
“We were not adequately prepared for the WE scandal,” explained Procurement Minister Anita Anand. “Public servants and their photocopiers were exhausted from covering up revealing details. Some were forced to commandeer several printers at a local Staples to meet the demand.”
Whether it’s the House of Commons covering up information on WE charity connections to the Liberal government or the Defence Department covering up information on a child molester, government officials insist printers will be busy removing information 24/7.
“Our government is committed to creating an emergency stockpile of cartridges and black markers so this lack of transparency continues to happen,” said Anand. “Plus, a $5 ATIP now comes with at least $10 worth of ink on it, which is a great deal.”
At press time, documents containing details of the $100 million toner contract were redacted due privacy concerns.


thebeaverton--2020-08-31--Poll: 30% of Canadians support letting Alberta join U.S. “for the laughs”

TORONTO – As the Wexit movement pivots from independence towards joining the U.S. , 30 % of Canadians east of Saskatchewan say they are in favour of this , given how entertaining they expect it will be .
“ 6 months into lockdown and I ’ m basically out of tv shows to watch , ” said Toronto resident Saanvi Patel .
“ But I figure news footage of Albertans realizing they now live in a broken , pandemic riddled country will make for some excellent binge watching.
” “ Just think of the looks on their little faces when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ve just joined the Roman Empire right as it falls , ” she added giggling .
Although all Canadians outside of a die hard few in Alberta and Saskatchewan know that joining the U.S. would be a terrible idea , many are balancing that against their significant interest in having something to point and laugh at .
“ Obviously it would be disastrous for Alberta and all of Canada on so many levels and they definitely shouldn ’ t do it .
But you know how funny those videos are of people punching @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would be just like that , but on a geo-political scale.
” The other 70 % of Canadians say Alberta shouldn ’ t join the U.S. , but requested the pollster check back in with them after they ’ ve finished watching Fleabag .

TORONTO – As the Wexit movement pivots from independence towards joining the U.S., 30% of Canadians east of Saskatchewan say they are in favour of this, given how entertaining they expect it will be.
“6 months into lockdown and I’m basically out of tv shows to watch,” said Toronto resident Saanvi Patel. “But I figure news footage of Albertans realizing they now live in a broken, pandemic riddled country will make for some excellent binge watching.”
“Just think of the looks on their little faces when it dawns on them that they’ve just joined the Roman Empire right as it falls,” she added giggling.
Although all Canadians outside of a die hard few in Alberta and Saskatchewan know that joining the U.S. would be a terrible idea, many are balancing that against their significant interest in having something to point and laugh at.
“Obviously it would be disastrous for Alberta and all of Canada on so many levels and they definitely shouldn’t do it. But you know how funny those videos are of people punching themselves in their own nuts? This would be just like that, but on a geo-political scale.”
The other 70% of Canadians say Alberta shouldn’t join the U.S., but requested the pollster check back in with them after they’ve finished watching Fleabag.


thebeaverton--2020-08-31--Single-ply toilet paper industry saved by school re-openings

WINNIPEG – After being dealt a blow by the pandemic-related closures of offices and public washrooms , single-ply toilet paper manufacturers are pinning their recovery to the re-opening of their biggest customers : schools .
“ Our effort to sell industrial reams of one-ply for home offices was not successful , so we are naturally very excited that schools are coming back , ” stated Cassandra Esposito , spokesperson for the industry trade group One Layer Only .
“ I maintain that our companies , and the awful toilet paper we manufacture , should have definitely been given additional government @ @ @ @ @ @ @ toilet paper at the beginning of the pandemic , single-ply sales remained completely unaffected .
Many consumers reportedly chose any and all other options , including as rags , cut up newspaper , or just having a poopy bum .
“ PPE and other safety precautions are expensive .
Thank god single-ply toilet paper manufacturers keep costs low by bravely sacrificing both quality AND comfort , ” stated Minister of Education Kelvin Goertzen .
“ Also , kids don ’ t learn at home to fold the one-ply over itself 4 times in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ learn this skill in schools , so it ’ s good that they are re-opening to teach this important lesson.
” The return of in-person schooling will also be a boon for manufacturers of toilets that are super low to ground , hand dryers that don ’ t actually dry hands , urinals that barely flush , and sanitary napkin/tampon dispensers that are permanently empty .
“ Gross !
I hate school TP , ” stated a 5th grade student who requested anonymity .
“ I only intend to use that toilet paper @ @ @ @ @ @ @ throwing it on the ceiling.
” With September approaching toilet paper sales have not been as high as predicted , as many schools are only buying one month ’ s worth of supplies to avoid overstock when they are shut down in October for being the centre of an outbreak .

WINNIPEG – After being dealt a blow by the pandemic-related closures of offices and public washrooms, single-ply toilet paper manufacturers are pinning their recovery to the re-opening of their biggest customers: schools.
“Our effort to sell industrial reams of one-ply for home offices was not successful, so we are naturally very excited that schools are coming back,” stated Cassandra Esposito, spokesperson for the industry trade group One Layer Only. “I maintain that our companies, and the awful toilet paper we manufacture, should have definitely been given additional government funding.”
“We are an uncomfortable, unpleasant, hemorrhoid causing essential service,” added Esposito proudly.
Despite the well-documented rush on toilet paper at the beginning of the pandemic, single-ply sales remained completely unaffected. Many consumers reportedly chose any and all other options, including as rags, cut up newspaper, or just having a poopy bum.
“PPE and other safety precautions are expensive. Thank god single-ply toilet paper manufacturers keep costs low by bravely sacrificing both quality AND comfort,” stated Minister of Education Kelvin Goertzen. “Also, kids don’t learn at home to fold the one-ply over itself 4 times in order to make it usable. They learn this skill in schools, so it’s good that they are re-opening to teach this important lesson.”
The return of in-person schooling will also be a boon for manufacturers of toilets that are super low to ground, hand dryers that don’t actually dry hands, urinals that barely flush, and sanitary napkin/tampon dispensers that are permanently empty.
“Gross! I hate school TP,” stated a 5th grade student who requested anonymity. “I only intend to use that toilet paper for one thing – wetting it and throwing it on the ceiling.”
With September approaching toilet paper sales have not been as high as predicted, as many schools are only buying one month’s worth of supplies to avoid overstock when they are shut down in October for being the centre of an outbreak.


thebeaverton--2020-09-01--Trailer for new Kevin James film confirms: Kevin fall down go boom

Trailers for Kevin James ’ latest Netflix film “ Bonk if You ’ re Horny ” confirmed that this summer ; big dumb toenail Kevin James fall down , much bang , head go boom .
Directed by a shook up can of pilsner , “ Bonk if You ’ re Horny ” follows the story of a roly-poly dunderhead that loses control of a piss-stained forklift .
Inspired by what it looks like to catapult watermelon into a Chumbawamba song , “ Bonk if You ’ re Horny ” tells the tale of ‘ Big Fuckin Frankie Jaundice ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an even less game version of Gal Gadot .
When big dumb idiot can ’ t afford a backyard gazebo for his apocalyptically hot movie wife , Big Fuckin Frankie Jaundice asks co-worker ‘ What if Forklift and Forklift can ‘ make fuck ’ ?
Adapted from a series of belches , the script vomits out some ‘ Death Race ’ style Thunderdome wankery wherein tricked out forklifts penetrate each other ’ s exhaust pipes till uh-oh , pipe boom , Kevin fly , very big mushroom cloud , meep-meep , Kevin head @ @ @ @ @ @ @ heads up the wall for new KJ content , saying in the vocal equivalent of Marge krumping : “ I done couldn ’ t cummy till I see ma hero Keblum Games race that forklift on to a crash.
” Sony executives are speculating that the guy who played The President in ‘ Pixels ’ could further shart out enough money to greenlight a sequel .
When pressed for more , industry insiders said “ oh ‘ greenlighting a sequel ’ is just what we call ‘ post piss foreskin dribble ’ .

Trailers for Kevin James’ latest Netflix film “Bonk if You’re Horny” confirmed that this summer; big dumb toenail Kevin James fall down, much bang, head go boom. Directed by a shook up can of pilsner, “Bonk if You’re Horny” follows the story of a roly-poly dunderhead that loses control of a piss-stained forklift.
Inspired by what it looks like to catapult watermelon into a Chumbawamba song, “Bonk if You’re Horny” tells the tale of ‘Big Fuckin Frankie Jaundice’, a turgid shitty chucklefuck married to an even less game version of Gal Gadot. When big dumb idiot can’t afford a backyard gazebo for his apocalyptically hot movie wife, Big Fuckin Frankie Jaundice asks co-worker ‘What if Forklift and Forklift can ‘make fuck’?
Adapted from a series of belches, the script vomits out some ‘Death Race’ style Thunderdome wankery wherein tricked out forklifts penetrate each other’s exhaust pipes till uh-oh, pipe boom, Kevin fly, very big mushroom cloud, meep-meep, Kevin head go clang-bang-boom.
Audiences are thomping their heads up the wall for new KJ content, saying in the vocal equivalent of Marge krumping: “I done couldn’t cummy till I see ma hero Keblum Games race that forklift on to a crash.” Sony executives are speculating that the guy who played The President in ‘Pixels’ could further shart out enough money to greenlight a sequel. When pressed for more, industry insiders said “oh ‘greenlighting a sequel’ is just what we call ‘post piss foreskin dribble’.


thebeaverton--2020-09-01--“I bike everywhere!” brags cyclist who can afford living downtown

TORONTO – Brian McFarlen , a local cyclist who can afford to live less than five minutes from the heart of downtown , has bragged about biking everywhere .
“ It ’ s a great way to get around while also staying in shape , ” said McFarlen as he biked through a red light .
“ From tattoo shops to my job at VICE to even the best Banh Mi in the city – I just hop on my bike and I ’ m there .
Why does anyone drive ever ?
Gross !
” McFarlen , whose parents @ @ @ @ @ @ @ school and has no mortgage , kids , or debt , condemns people who drive in the city .
“ I hate cars – we should just get rid of all roads and replace them with bike lanes .
Isn ’ t everyone able to live downtown and spend hours of their day biking around the city hitting up all the best micro breweries ?
” According to McFarlen , biking is not only eco-friendly but also super accessible , and all anyone needs is a bike worth more than two months of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ abroad , biking through Jakarta , I ’ ve been obsessed with living sustainability and unlearning my colonial way of living.
” McFarlen added from his converted studio apartment in a very gentrified area of the city .
” There is no excuse .
Bike.
” At press time , owners of electric cars were cited bragging “ what do you mean you can ’ t afford a vehicle that ’ s three times the price of a regular car ?
”

TORONTO – Brian McFarlen, a local cyclist who can afford to live less than five minutes from the heart of downtown, has bragged about biking everywhere.
“It’s a great way to get around while also staying in shape,” said McFarlen as he biked through a red light. “From tattoo shops to my job at VICE to even the best Banh Mi in the city – I just hop on my bike and I’m there. Why does anyone drive ever? Gross!”
McFarlen, whose parents paid for him to go to film school and has no mortgage, kids, or debt, condemns people who drive in the city. “I hate cars – we should just get rid of all roads and replace them with bike lanes. Isn’t everyone able to live downtown and spend hours of their day biking around the city hitting up all the best micro breweries?”
According to McFarlen, biking is not only eco-friendly but also super accessible, and all anyone needs is a bike worth more than two months of rent.
“After spending a semester abroad, biking through Jakarta, I’ve been obsessed with living sustainability and unlearning my colonial way of living.” McFarlen added from his converted studio apartment in a very gentrified area of the city. ”There is no excuse. Bike.”
At press time, owners of electric cars were cited bragging “what do you mean you can’t afford a vehicle that’s three times the price of a regular car?”


thebeaverton--2020-09-01--Ally hospitalized for fatigue

Ally hospitalized for fatigue

VANCOUVER – Local ally Maggie Jenkins has been rushed to area hospital after suffering from a chronic case of allyship fatigue .
“ I don ’ t know what happened , ” said Jenkins from her hospital bed in the ICU .
“ Last thing I remember , I shared a BLM post to my Insta story and then suddenly , I was here.
” According to Doctor Fatima Kasta , the hospital was well prepared for the influx of exhausted allies .
“ Luckily , I ’ ve witnessed a surge of allyship before and knew how unsustainable it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ trend happened in early June , we started preparing beds .
We received our first ally a week after , with more and more arriving each day.
” “ I ’ m just so tired , ” added Jenkins , who was allegedly found passed out at her computer .
“ I was two days into Rachel Cargle ’ s 30-day Do The Work course when my body just gave out .
I guess I ’ m just not used to thinking this critically about anti-Black racism .
I ’ m going to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an ally and recharge at my family ’ s cottage… ” In an official statement released by Doctor Kasta and her team of epidemiologists , it is unclear if allyship fatigue actually exists or its just an excuse for people to not divest from the very systems they benefit from .
“ Although we can ’ t confirm if allyship fatigue is real or not , we do know that allies begin to feel the first signs of exhaustion after ordering the book White Fragility online , making a lengthy Facebook post telling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 13th , or posting a photo of themselves with a Black friend with only the fist emoji as the caption.
” When asked to comment , Tiana Moore , who has lived her entire life in this oppressive society and is actually tired , said she tried asking her white friend for support but he instantly entered into a coma .
“ And now I have to walk his dog.
” At press time , Doctor Kasta has announced a new wing in the hospital is being built to support the inevitable influx @ @ @ @ @ @ @ University of Alberta ’ s free Indigenous history course .

VANCOUVER – Local ally Maggie Jenkins has been rushed to area hospital after suffering from a chronic case of allyship fatigue.
“I don’t know what happened,” said Jenkins from her hospital bed in the ICU. “Last thing I remember, I shared a BLM post to my Insta story and then suddenly, I was here.”
According to Doctor Fatima Kasta, the hospital was well prepared for the influx of exhausted allies. “Luckily, I’ve witnessed a surge of allyship before and knew how unsustainable it was. The moment the whole post-a-Black-square trend happened in early June, we started preparing beds. We received our first ally a week after, with more and more arriving each day.”
“I’m just so tired,” added Jenkins, who was allegedly found passed out at her computer. “I was two days into Rachel Cargle’s 30-day Do The Work course when my body just gave out. I guess I’m just not used to thinking this critically about anti-Black racism. I’m going to take a couple days off from being an ally and recharge at my family’s cottage…”
In an official statement released by Doctor Kasta and her team of epidemiologists, it is unclear if allyship fatigue actually exists or its just an excuse for people to not divest from the very systems they benefit from. “Although we can’t confirm if allyship fatigue is real or not, we do know that allies begin to feel the first signs of exhaustion after ordering the book White Fragility online, making a lengthy Facebook post telling people to watch Ava DuVernay’s 13th, or posting a photo of themselves with a Black friend with only the fist emoji as the caption.”
When asked to comment, Tiana Moore, who has lived her entire life in this oppressive society and is actually tired, said she tried asking her white friend for support but he instantly entered into a coma. “And now I have to walk his dog.”
At press time, Doctor Kasta has announced a new wing in the hospital is being built to support the inevitable influx of fatigued allies who are taking the University of Alberta’s free Indigenous history course.


thebeaverton--2020-09-01--Restaurants require female servers to wear skimpier face masks

TORONTO – Restaurants across the GTA are enforcing a new dress code on its female servers obliging them to wear face masks that are tighter and reveal more skin .
The new “ face thongs ” reveals more cheeks and noses than an ordinary face mask , while still adhering to the better-than-nothing mask requirements of local public health authorities .
“ Our new dress policy adheres to a brand that says our servers want to live on the edge during a midst of a global pandemic , ” said manager Mike Smith of Tamworth ’ s Bar and Grill @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know that there ’ s a nice smile underneath that tight piece of fabric.
” The hyper sexualized silk masks come in sizes ranging from small to bare thread .
It should be worn so tight that visible cheek cleavage can be seen and gawked at , say establishment owners .
Staff have been informed to embrace the shift in de rigeur PPE .
“ I thought I could wear an N95 because I ’ m immunocompromised , but my manager threatened to send me home unless I wore the face thong , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , who was working 14 tables for the past 8 hours without a break .
“ Now , you ’ ll have to excuse me , I have to serve those drunken middle-aged men who keep coughing on me .
”

TORONTO – Restaurants across the GTA are enforcing a new dress code on its female servers obliging them to wear face masks that are tighter and reveal more skin.
The new “face thongs” reveals more cheeks and noses than an ordinary face mask, while still adhering to the better-than-nothing mask requirements of local public health authorities.
“Our new dress policy adheres to a brand that says our servers want to live on the edge during a midst of a global pandemic,” said manager Mike Smith of Tamworth’s Bar and Grill. “Showing dimples lets our customers know that there’s a nice smile underneath that tight piece of fabric.”
The hyper sexualized silk masks come in sizes ranging from small to bare thread. It should be worn so tight that visible cheek cleavage can be seen and gawked at, say establishment owners.
“But not in a sexual way,” added Smith. “This isn’t sexist.”
Staff have been informed to embrace the shift in de rigeur PPE.
“I thought I could wear an N95 because I’m immunocompromised, but my manager threatened to send me home unless I wore the face thong,” said server Sandra Cullins, 26, who was working 14 tables for the past 8 hours without a break. “Now, you’ll have to excuse me, I have to serve those drunken middle-aged men who keep coughing on me.”


thebeaverton--2020-09-02--“I want to go to grad school” recognized as a cry for help by the W.H.O.

LONDON , ON- After years of examining the connections between sanity and higher education , chief scientists at the World Health Organization have declared the act of attending grad school an indicator of mental instability .
“ Our research shows the overwhelming result that anyone who willingly continues their education past their bachelor ’ s degree is obviously just fucking nuts , ” explained main project researcher Lisa Prasad .
“ We could not come to a solid conclusion why anyone who is emotionally sound would actively choose to have to write annotated bibliographies post-undergrad.
” The W.H.O.
’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ interviewed about their future plans .
Participants who mentioned graduate school were given small electric shock and promptly asked , “ DO YOU REALLY WAN NA WRITE A 40+ PAGE PAPER ?
HUH ?
DO YA PUNK !
?
” Participants who responded with “ yes ” were shown photos of PhD students during their daily mental breakdowns in an attempt to scare them straight .
“ Those pictures were pretty chilling , but I still think it would be kind of interesting to further pursue the field of 17th-century Canadian horse poetry @ @ @ @ @ @ @ obviously insane Francesca Sandberg , who participated in the study .
“ I also have no job prospects or anything else remotely important going on in my life , so why not , right ?
” The W.H.O .
notes that anyone who is considering grad school should seek immediate help from a therapist , loved one , or even a really nice cat that they could pet while re-evaluating their life choices .
If that doesn ’ t work ?
“ They should sell all of their belongings and move to a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ chill out for a bit and then eventually become something productive like an ice fisherman , ” said Prasad .
At press time , the W.H.O .
is working on a new study exploring why theatre majors are just so darn quirky .

LONDON, ON- After years of examining the connections between sanity and higher education, chief scientists at the World Health Organization have declared the act of attending grad school an indicator of mental instability.
“Our research shows the overwhelming result that anyone who willingly continues their education past their bachelor’s degree is obviously just fucking nuts,” explained main project researcher Lisa Prasad. “We could not come to a solid conclusion why anyone who is emotionally sound would actively choose to have to write annotated bibliographies post-undergrad.”
The W.H.O.’s most recent experiment involved having 200 adults interviewed about their future plans. Participants who mentioned graduate school were given small electric shock and promptly asked, “DO YOU REALLY WANNA WRITE A 40+ PAGE PAPER? HUH? DO YA PUNK!?” Participants who responded with “yes” were shown photos of PhD students during their daily mental breakdowns in an attempt to scare them straight.
“Those pictures were pretty chilling, but I still think it would be kind of interesting to further pursue the field of 17th-century Canadian horse poetry in an academic setting,” expressed obviously insane Francesca Sandberg, who participated in the study. “I also have no job prospects or anything else remotely important going on in my life, so why not, right?”
The W.H.O. notes that anyone who is considering grad school should seek immediate help from a therapist, loved one, or even a really nice cat that they could pet while re-evaluating their life choices. If that doesn’t work? “They should sell all of their belongings and move to a remote Icelandic town where they can just chill out for a bit and then eventually become something productive like an ice fisherman,” said Prasad.
At press time, the W.H.O. is working on a new study exploring why theatre majors are just so darn quirky.


thebeaverton--2020-09-02--Toronto Police allowed to turn off body cams if they are planning a surprise party

TORONTO – The Toronto Police recently unveiled their new body cameras which will record every interaction officers have with the public unless the officer involved is in the middle of planning a big surprise for somebody .
The recording devices are expected to improve public trust in the police as long as there are no significant birthdays , retirements or anniversaries coming up .
The cameras came about when , as a response to numerous protests calling for the city to defund the police , Mayor John Tory instead surprised the Toronto Police with $ 34 million in additional funding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It was a beautiful surprise , ” stated Mayor Tory .
“ A perfect example of the kind of joyful moment that we wouldn ’ t want these cameras to ruin by taping the wrong thing.
” “ These cameras are a valuable tool that allow us to verify that rights are being respected in all police encounters , ” stated Toronto Police Deputy Chief Shawna Coxon .
“ However it is equally important that we respect the privacy of anybody who wishes to give a loved one an unexpected celebration and doesn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ leaked body cam footage.
” “ Given the time and effort it takes to plan a surprise party , it simply becomes too great a risk to the integrity of the event to have any evidence of it on tape , ” explained Coxon .
“ And given the widespread prevalence of surprise party planning in the law enforcement community , it ’ s likely most of our officers will find themselves involved in discreetly planning some kind of surprise party every single day.
” If an officer is caught turning off their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a major party for someone special who doesn ’ t suspect a thing , they will no longer be allowed to use their department ’ s helium tank to inflate balloons at their next big bash .
Repeat offences will result in suspension with pay and snacks .
The Toronto Police Services Board is also currently considering a motion to allow officers to turn off their body cams if they don ’ t like the way that recordings make their voice sound all weird .

TORONTO – The Toronto Police recently unveiled their new body cameras which will record every interaction officers have with the public unless the officer involved is in the middle of planning a big surprise for somebody. The recording devices are expected to improve public trust in the police as long as there are no significant birthdays, retirements or anniversaries coming up.
The cameras came about when, as a response to numerous protests calling for the city to defund the police, Mayor John Tory instead surprised the Toronto Police with $34 million in additional funding to pay for body cameras. “It was a beautiful surprise,” stated Mayor Tory. “A perfect example of the kind of joyful moment that we wouldn’t want these cameras to ruin by taping the wrong thing.”
“These cameras are a valuable tool that allow us to verify that rights are being respected in all police encounters,” stated Toronto Police Deputy Chief Shawna Coxon. “However it is equally important that we respect the privacy of anybody who wishes to give a loved one an unexpected celebration and doesn’t want that surprise spoiled by leaked body cam footage.”
“Given the time and effort it takes to plan a surprise party, it simply becomes too great a risk to the integrity of the event to have any evidence of it on tape,” explained Coxon. “And given the widespread prevalence of surprise party planning in the law enforcement community, it’s likely most of our officers will find themselves involved in discreetly planning some kind of surprise party every single day.”
If an officer is caught turning off their body camera for reasons other than discussing a major party for someone special who doesn’t suspect a thing, they will no longer be allowed to use their department’s helium tank to inflate balloons at their next big bash. Repeat offences will result in suspension with pay and snacks.
The Toronto Police Services Board is also currently considering a motion to allow officers to turn off their body cams if they don’t like the way that recordings make their voice sound all weird.


thebeaverton--2020-09-02--Billion-dollar public transit infrastructure ready now that everyone works from home

OTTAWA – After years of waiting and billions of dollars spent , ambitious public transit projects are finally ready now that everyone is working remotely .
Trains , buses , and subways across major Canadian cities are now set to take on millions of commuters who no longer require their services , none more than in the nation ’ s capital .
“ I ’ m happy to announce that major issues with Ottawa ’ s new LRT have been fixed , ” said Ottawa ’ s Mayor Jim Watson about the $ 2.1 billion project which was finally open @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ago .
“ We ’ ll be running empty trains from now until the foreseeable future and continuing on with the Phase 2 worth $ 4.6 billion , but that won ’ t be ready until the next pandemic.
” With private and government employees now permanently working from home , Ottawa ’ s LRT has rebranded as a public art display symbolically representing a mismanaged project that came too late .
“ That would have been very , very useful five years ago , ” said a federal government employee whose commute @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in March of this year .
“ Those few months when the LRT trains were almost working will be fondly remembered if I could remember a time when it wasn ’ t delayed.
” Fare prices for the commuters who still use the LRT are expected to increase to $ 2 million per ride .

OTTAWA – After years of waiting and billions of dollars spent, ambitious public transit projects are finally ready now that everyone is working remotely.
Trains, buses, and subways across major Canadian cities are now set to take on millions of commuters who no longer require their services, none more than in the nation’s capital.
“I’m happy to announce that major issues with Ottawa’s new LRT have been fixed,” said Ottawa’s Mayor Jim Watson about the $2.1 billion project which was finally open to the public less than a year ago. “We’ll be running empty trains from now until the foreseeable future and continuing on with the Phase 2 worth $4.6 billion, but that won’t be ready until the next pandemic.”
With private and government employees now permanently working from home, Ottawa’s LRT has rebranded as a public art display symbolically representing a mismanaged project that came too late.
“That would have been very, very useful five years ago,” said a federal government employee whose commute changed from 10 km to 10 m in March of this year. “Those few months when the LRT trains were almost working will be fondly remembered if I could remember a time when it wasn’t delayed.”
Fare prices for the commuters who still use the LRT are expected to increase to $2 million per ride.


thebeaverton--2020-09-02--Kisko unveils new lambskin freezie that won’t cut your mouth when you suck it dry

WOODBRIDGE , ON – Kisko announced a bold new change to its popular Mr .
Freeze freezies that will see the plastic sheath replaced with lambskin to protect customers ’ mouths when they grip and rip the last drops of syrup down their gullets .
“ Everyone ’ s favourite part of the freezie is slurping down the melted sugar water that collects at the bottom of the sheath , ” said Mr .
Freeze spokesperson Jeff Bosh .
“ But we also know the sharp plastic edges can cause painful cuts on the side of your mouth .
By @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lambskin we can all kiss that problem goodbye.
” Kisko says they struggled to find a suitable replacement material for several years .
“ Originally we tried latex , but customers found their mouths would dry out after a period of time , ” said Bosh .
“ Then we tried a harder plastic casing , but we discovered that some overeager customers would squeeze too hard , causing the treat to burst and spray sticky sweet syrup all over their chests .
So we decided to look backwards , and found lambskin @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
We can ’ t wait for people to wrap their hands and mouths around it.
” Bosh was also quick to point out the environmental benefits of using reconstituted animal guts instead of single use plastic wrapping .
“ All the entrails are locally sourced from ethical farms .
Consumers won ’ t have to worry about disposing of the completely edible sheaths .
Just scrunch it up , pop it in your mouth , and you ’ re on your way.
” At press time , Kisko was exploring using other @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bone popsicle sticks and a slurpee cup made of a cow ’ s stomach .

WOODBRIDGE, ON – Kisko announced a bold new change to its popular Mr. Freeze freezies that will see the plastic sheath replaced with lambskin to protect customers’ mouths when they grip and rip the last drops of syrup down their gullets.
“Everyone’s favourite part of the freezie is slurping down the melted sugar water that collects at the bottom of the sheath,” said Mr. Freeze spokesperson Jeff Bosh. “But we also know the sharp plastic edges can cause painful cuts on the side of your mouth. By replacing the plastic with soft, gelatinous lambskin we can all kiss that problem goodbye.”
Kisko says they struggled to find a suitable replacement material for several years. “Originally we tried latex, but customers found their mouths would dry out after a period of time,” said Bosh. “Then we tried a harder plastic casing, but we discovered that some overeager customers would squeeze too hard, causing the treat to burst and spray sticky sweet syrup all over their chests. So we decided to look backwards, and found lambskin provides a perfect, allergen free solution. We can’t wait for people to wrap their hands and mouths around it.”
Bosh was also quick to point out the environmental benefits of using reconstituted animal guts instead of single use plastic wrapping. “All the entrails are locally sourced from ethical farms. Consumers won’t have to worry about disposing of the completely edible sheaths. Just scrunch it up, pop it in your mouth, and you’re on your way.”
At press time, Kisko was exploring using other animal viscera in their products including chicken bone popsicle sticks and a slurpee cup made of a cow’s stomach.


thebeaverton--2020-09-02--Racist facebook friend got married

Racist facebook friend got married

Kitchener , ON – Reports from your facebook account indicate that Mitch , a guy you once met on a camping trip and who has been posting increasingly racist memes for several years now , recently got married .
“ Oh , the guy who posts about how indigenous people are tax cheats found someone who loves him .
Cool .
Cool .
That ’ s cool , ” you said from the bachelor apartment where you live alone .
“ Just goes to show there is someone for everyone.
” “ I personally haven ’ t been in a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ maybe I ’ m just not sharing enough clearly photoshopped images of ‘ illegals ’ beating up white people.
” According to the photos it was a small , socially distanced ceremony , attended by family , some white friends , the groom and the bride who has chosen to spend her life with this pair of oakley sunglasses perched on top of a mean , ugly face .
“ I don ’ t know why I never unfriended him when he attacked Syrian refugees , but this might finally do it , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a quick scroll of the bride ’ s facebook page had revealed that , yup , she ’ s racist too .

Kitchener, ON – Reports from your facebook account indicate that Mitch, a guy you once met on a camping trip and who has been posting increasingly racist memes for several years now, recently got married.
“Oh, the guy who posts about how indigenous people are tax cheats found someone who loves him. Cool. Cool. That’s cool,” you said from the bachelor apartment where you live alone. “Just goes to show there is someone for everyone.”
“I personally haven’t been in a relationship for about four years, but maybe I’m just not sharing enough clearly photoshopped images of ‘illegals’ beating up white people.”
According to the photos it was a small, socially distanced ceremony, attended by family, some white friends, the groom and the bride who has chosen to spend her life with this pair of oakley sunglasses perched on top of a mean, ugly face.
“I don’t know why I never unfriended him when he attacked Syrian refugees, but this might finally do it,” you advised.
At press time a quick scroll of the bride’s facebook page had revealed that, yup, she’s racist too.