thebeaverton--2020-02-28--Men scramble to find a personality after CDC suggests shaving beard to stop coronavirus

ATLANTA , GA – A 2017 infographic issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention re-emerged this week with facial hair grooming tips in light of the coronavirus outbreak , leaving men across the nation devoid of a personality .
“ I ’ ve had this thick lush beard for the past 8 years and I ’ ll be damned if some shit-ass respiratory virus takes it away from me , ” said 33 year-old Matt Zonjic while waterboarding himself with an IPA .
“ Without my beard , how would anyone know I really like music , like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or that I only drink good coffee .
Not to mention all of my flannel would be completely useless.
” Amid growing global fears of the COVID-19 , the use of face masks in public has risen however many facial hair styles prevent the masks from sitting flush on the face .
Thousands of men across the nation fear that a loss of facial hair , will result in a loss of identity .
“ When people ask me to tell them a little about myself I say ‘ Man with beard , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my whole thing , ” grunted software engineer Arjun Cooke .
“ I guess I could pivot to ‘ Man who posts videos of himself rock climbing ’ or ‘ Man who likes hot sauces ’ but that doesn ’ t feel like me.
” “ When I look in the mirror , I don ’ t even recognize who I am anymore , ” sighed digital content specialist Jorge Nunez while clutching his YETI tumbler .
“ I miss seeing the cute little bits of red in my beard , without it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ‘ creative professional , ’ I ’ m just a regular ol ’ ‘ professional.
’ ” The CDC recommends that if individuals wish to maintain facial hair they may choose from a clean-shaven face , soul patch , and various moustaches styles .
“ I know I post to a lot of incendiary private subreddits but I think a Hitler stache is a step too far , ” said sports journalist Theo Wagner after snorting a line of preworkout .
Many global health agencies suggest that the best practice to prevent the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the use of face masks but through diligent hand washing , to which the general population responded with a collective “ fuck no .
”

ATLANTA, GA – A 2017 infographic issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention re-emerged this week with facial hair grooming tips in light of the coronavirus outbreak, leaving men across the nation devoid of a personality.
“I’ve had this thick lush beard for the past 8 years and I’ll be damned if some shit-ass respiratory virus takes it away from me,” said 33 year-old Matt Zonjic while waterboarding himself with an IPA. “Without my beard, how would anyone know I really like music, like more so than the average person, or that I only drink good coffee. Not to mention all of my flannel would be completely useless.”
Amid growing global fears of the COVID-19, the use of face masks in public has risen however many facial hair styles prevent the masks from sitting flush on the face. Thousands of men across the nation fear that a loss of facial hair, will result in a loss of identity.
“When people ask me to tell them a little about myself I say ‘Man with beard,’ and that pretty much sums up my whole thing,” grunted software engineer Arjun Cooke. “I guess I could pivot to ‘Man who posts videos of himself rock climbing’ or ‘Man who likes hot sauces’ but that doesn’t feel like me.”
“When I look in the mirror, I don’t even recognize who I am anymore,” sighed digital content specialist Jorge Nunez while clutching his YETI tumbler. “I miss seeing the cute little bits of red in my beard, without it, I’m no longer a ‘creative professional,’ I’m just a regular ol’ ‘professional.’”
The CDC recommends that if individuals wish to maintain facial hair they may choose from a clean-shaven face, soul patch, and various moustaches styles.
“I know I post to a lot of incendiary private subreddits but I think a Hitler stache is a step too far,” said sports journalist Theo Wagner after snorting a line of preworkout.
Many global health agencies suggest that the best practice to prevent the spread of germs isn’t through the use of face masks but through diligent hand washing, to which the general population responded with a collective “fuck no.”


thebeaverton--2020-02-28--China concerned Western authoritarian government will cover up coronavirus outbreaks

BEIJING – The Chinese government has expressed concerns that a North American government which lacks transparency and checks on its executive power will cover up the severity of the COVID-19 outbreak .
“ We don ’ t have confidence in the information coming out of the United States ” said China ’ s President Xi Jinping to members of the international press .
“ The American Administration has been reluctant to accept that there are cases of coronavirus in the country .
Only a few days ago , Mr. Trump said that the disease is not a problem and it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Donald Trump ascended to power in 2017 and seized control of the People ’ s Republican Party , and has since attempted to cover-up the suppression of his political opponents while releasing convicted supporters from jail .
Vice Chairman Mike Pence , who will be responsible for dealing with the COVID-19 outbreak , has been accused of suppressing free speech after announcing all doctors and scientists are banned from speaking about the virus without Pence ’ s approval .
Trump ’ s obsession with economic indicators rather than major health care reforms has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ causing a global pandemic .
“ America has repeatedly undermined the health care system of its citizens by denying many of them access to care , ” said Xi .
“ For countries with Third World health care systems like the US , there may be no stopping this virus.
” At press time , Pence announced US evangelical scientists have developed a prayer-based COVID-19 vaccine .

BEIJING – The Chinese government has expressed concerns that a North American government which lacks transparency and checks on its executive power will cover up the severity of the COVID-19 outbreak.
“We don’t have confidence in the information coming out of the United States” said China’s President Xi Jinping to members of the international press. “The American Administration has been reluctant to accept that there are cases of coronavirus in the country. Only a few days ago, Mr. Trump said that the disease is not a problem and it would go away by April.”
Chairman Donald Trump ascended to power in 2017 and seized control of the People’s Republican Party, and has since attempted to cover-up the suppression of his political opponents while releasing convicted supporters from jail.
Vice Chairman Mike Pence, who will be responsible for dealing with the COVID-19 outbreak, has been accused of suppressing free speech after announcing all doctors and scientists are banned from speaking about the virus without Pence’s approval.
Trump’s obsession with economic indicators rather than major health care reforms has countries like China worrying about the US causing a global pandemic.
“America has repeatedly undermined the health care system of its citizens by denying many of them access to care,” said Xi. “For countries with Third World health care systems like the US, there may be no stopping this virus.”
At press time, Pence announced US evangelical scientists have developed a prayer-based COVID-19 vaccine.


thebeaverton--2020-02-29--Suspending me again from the Senate is no way to treat an Indigenous person by Senator Lynn Beyak

I am saddened to learn that I have been suspended from the Senate again , and I think we all know why my colleagues threw me out : it ’ s because I recently revealed my First Nations heritage .
I am Métis , which I suddenly became aware of last month during anti-racism training , a fact which was used against me so I would fail the training course .
This outrageous miscarriage of justice further reduces the number of Indigenous Senators who represent their peoples in the Upper Chamber .
When I realized that my parents adopting an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ finally understood that all of the problems I ’ ve had as a Senator are the result of racism , specifically , racism against me .
How others knew of my Métis heritage before I did , I do not know .
I only know that vile racism against me is the only explanation for the way I ’ ve been treated .
For hundreds of years , Indigenous people such as myself , those who appear to be white and have no Indigenous ancestry , have had a different and deeper understanding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on my website for years were an important part of opening up a dialogue for reconciliation , perhaps one that went above the head of the settlers who then accused me of racism .
When people said “ you ’ re not Indigenous ; you ’ re just racist ” and “ how could you possibly be a Senator with beliefs like that , ” that was simply their attempts to silence a proud Indigenous woman .
Since becoming a Senator , I have faced loss of income and privilege to say what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this is likely due to racism against me .
But I ask , without authentic Indigenous voices such as mine , what hope does reconciliation have ?
So I will take this suspension from the Senate , and the one after it , and the one after that , but know this : I will never be silenced .

I am saddened to learn that I have been suspended from the Senate again, and I think we all know why my colleagues threw me out: it’s because I recently revealed my First Nations heritage.
I am Métis, which I suddenly became aware of last month during anti-racism training, a fact which was used against me so I would fail the training course. This outrageous miscarriage of justice further reduces the number of Indigenous Senators who represent their peoples in the Upper Chamber.
When I realized that my parents adopting an Indigenous child made me Métis, I finally understood that all of the problems I’ve had as a Senator are the result of racism, specifically, racism against me. How others knew of my Métis heritage before I did, I do not know. I only know that vile racism against me is the only explanation for the way I’ve been treated.
For hundreds of years, Indigenous people such as myself, those who appear to be white and have no Indigenous ancestry, have had a different and deeper understanding of Indigeneity. Those letters I kept on my website for years were an important part of opening up a dialogue for reconciliation, perhaps one that went above the head of the settlers who then accused me of racism. When people said “you’re not Indigenous; you’re just racist” and “how could you possibly be a Senator with beliefs like that,” that was simply their attempts to silence a proud Indigenous woman.
Since becoming a Senator, I have faced loss of income and privilege to say what I want without consequence. Again, this is likely due to racism against me. But I ask, without authentic Indigenous voices such as mine, what hope does reconciliation have?
So I will take this suspension from the Senate, and the one after it, and the one after that, but know this: I will never be silenced.


thebeaverton--2020-02-29--Nation’s moms form vigilante gang to make sure you get that cough checked out

EDMONTON — Mothers from all across Canada have banded together to form an extra-legal armed posse with the sole aim of making sure you get a doctor to check out that nasty cough .
Meeting at an undisclosed location for an impassioned torch-wielding rally , the vigilante mob of mothers , moms , step-moms , and the occasional grandma warn they will not be ignored .
“ You ’ ve had that cough for a while now , ” shouted the gang ’ s unofficial leader , Maureen McCowan , of Fredericton .
“ It sounds like you might have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even hear it over the phone !
” “ Which reminds me , would it kill you to call home more often , ” McCowan added from beneath her hand-knitted balaclava .
The loose confederacy of moms declared that the sound of your persistent cough has left them no choice but to arm themselves and take to the streets .
The thousands-strong group has reportedly outfitted themselves with torches , pitchforks , chains , fleece vests , and garden clippers , all in the name of protecting your health through deadly force .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ league , so she brought along some handy aluminum bats , ” added one masked mother as she assembled a molotov cocktail filled with Purell .
Canada ’ s mothers have released a manifesto ahead of their planned assault , unanimously agreeing that you “ never wear a warm enough jacket ” and that you consistently answer their heartfelt pleas to guard your health with a dismissive “ Okay , mom.
” They also warn they have been watching CNN , and , “ that nice Doctor Oz keeps warning about that Corona @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Tonight !
” bellowed vigilante leader McCowan , as the thousands-strong mob waved handfuls of Kleenex and revved the engines of their various motorcycles and Honda CRVs .
The battle-ready mothers have already begun sweeping from British Columbia through to Newfoundland , abducting any and all of their offspring displaying coughs , sniffles , or God forbid a sore throat .
One abduction in Kamloops was reportedly interrupted as several mother ’ s paused to fold the coughing victim ’ s laundry .
Said abductees will then be forced to seek immediate medical @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Dr. Penwell , “ who still asks about what you ’ re up to these days.
” The nation ’ s RCMP forces have been completely overwhelmed by a coordinated assault of planned ambushes , firebombings , and Super Soakers filled with homemade chicken soup .
In a related story , the nation ’ s fathers have formed a secret underground cabal aimed at making sure you ’ ve installed energy-saving windows .

EDMONTON — Mothers from all across Canada have banded together to form an extra-legal armed posse with the sole aim of making sure you get a doctor to check out that nasty cough.
Meeting at an undisclosed location for an impassioned torch-wielding rally, the vigilante mob of mothers, moms, step-moms, and the occasional grandma warn they will not be ignored. “You’ve had that cough for a while now,” shouted the gang’s unofficial leader, Maureen McCowan, of Fredericton. “It sounds like you might have picked up a bug! I can even hear it over the phone!”
“Which reminds me, would it kill you to call home more often,” McCowan added from beneath her hand-knitted balaclava.
The loose confederacy of moms declared that the sound of your persistent cough has left them no choice but to arm themselves and take to the streets. The thousands-strong group has reportedly outfitted themselves with torches, pitchforks, chains, fleece vests, and garden clippers, all in the name of protecting your health through deadly force.
“Sheila just joined a recreational softball league, so she brought along some handy aluminum bats,” added one masked mother as she assembled a molotov cocktail filled with Purell.
Canada’s mothers have released a manifesto ahead of their planned assault, unanimously agreeing that you “never wear a warm enough jacket” and that you consistently answer their heartfelt pleas to guard your health with a dismissive “Okay, mom.” They also warn they have been watching CNN, and, “that nice Doctor Oz keeps warning about that Corona Virus.”
“This! Ends! Tonight!” bellowed vigilante leader McCowan, as the thousands-strong mob waved handfuls of Kleenex and revved the engines of their various motorcycles and Honda CRVs.
The battle-ready mothers have already begun sweeping from British Columbia through to Newfoundland, abducting any and all of their offspring displaying coughs, sniffles, or God forbid a sore throat. One abduction in Kamloops was reportedly interrupted as several mother’s paused to fold the coughing victim’s laundry. Said abductees will then be forced to seek immediate medical treatment, preferably with former family pediatrician Dr. Penwell, “who still asks about what you’re up to these days.”
The nation’s RCMP forces have been completely overwhelmed by a coordinated assault of planned ambushes, firebombings, and Super Soakers filled with homemade chicken soup.
In a related story, the nation’s fathers have formed a secret underground cabal aimed at making sure you’ve installed energy-saving windows.


thebeaverton--2020-03-02--BlogTO real excited about that new Starbucks

TORONTO — Toronto ’ s online source for local culture , restaurant reviews and the best of the city is reportedly real excited about the new Starbucks opening up in Commerce Court .
“ Wow , this is cool !
” posted the blog about a new pickup-only storefront for Starbucks , a coffee chain with over 30 000 locations worldwide .
“ Finally , the dream of grabbing morning lattes in Toronto with barely any human interaction will be a reality.
” The article has caused a stir among locals : “ I ’ m so used to all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ restaurants shutting down , ” said regular commuter Sarah Farrell .
“ It was really nice to see a positive one about a multinational chain location opening up ” .
“ It was great to read a description of the exact location , hours of operation and setup of the new café , plus two selling points from the official Starbucks press release , ” said Toronto student Priya Joshi .
“ You can ’ t fake that kind of passion ” .
Dominic Riley , head of marketing at BlogTO , has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ content .
“ Sure , we post about Starbucks on a biweekly basis , but it ’ s only because we ’ re dedicated to reporting on Toronto ’ s culture .
What could be more Torontonian than being blindly loyal to a faceless corporation ?
A faceless corporation that just released the Coconutmilk Mocha Macchiato , I might add.
” Riley also pointed out that the article isn ’ t labelled as sponsored content , “ so checkmate , dummies ” .
At press time , BlogTO was busy posting an article @ @ @ @ @ @ @ post of a $ 4 million mansion and a heart eyes emoji .

TORONTO — Toronto’s online source for local culture, restaurant reviews and the best of the city is reportedly real excited about the new Starbucks opening up in Commerce Court.
“Wow, this is cool!” posted the blog about a new pickup-only storefront for Starbucks, a coffee chain with over 30 000 locations worldwide. “Finally, the dream of grabbing morning lattes in Toronto with barely any human interaction will be a reality.”
The article has caused a stir among locals: “I’m so used to all the sad BlogTO articles about beloved local restaurants shutting down,” said regular commuter Sarah Farrell. “It was really nice to see a positive one about a multinational chain location opening up”.
“It was great to read a description of the exact location, hours of operation and setup of the new café, plus two selling points from the official Starbucks press release,” said Toronto student Priya Joshi. “You can’t fake that kind of passion”.
Dominic Riley, head of marketing at BlogTO, has denied allegations that the post is sponsored content. “Sure, we post about Starbucks on a biweekly basis, but it’s only because we’re dedicated to reporting on Toronto’s culture. What could be more Torontonian than being blindly loyal to a faceless corporation? A faceless corporation that just released the Coconutmilk Mocha Macchiato, I might add.” Riley also pointed out that the article isn’t labelled as sponsored content, “so checkmate, dummies”.
At press time, BlogTO was busy posting an article on the housing crisis followed by a post of a $4 million mansion and a heart eyes emoji.


thebeaverton--2020-03-02--Man screaming on roller coaster just listening to Goosebumps on audiobook

ANAHEIM , CA – After strapping in to ride the Incredicoaster at Disneyland with a group of fellow theme park thrill seekers , Toronto native Charles Hernandez ’ s screams were revealed to be caused by listening to R.L Stein ’ s classic children ’ s series Goosebumps on audiobook .
After the rise in the popularity of audiobooks in recent years , studies have shown that up to 40 % of screams at any given moment in theme parks , grocery stores and museums have been attributed to the spooky narrative and bone-chilling dialogue of Stein ’ s famed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ infuriating , ” describes ride operator Edward Khan .
“ We walked by to secure the passenger and when we pushed down the safety guard he jumped so hard we had to re-do the whole procedure .
When the ride finished ?
I had to rub his head and tell him that monsters weren ’ t real.
” “ And he was just drenched in sweat.
” “ Oh man that was a wild ride , ” Hernandez remarked .
“ That creepy puppet story had so many crazy twists and turns .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the name Slappy without getting shivers !
I got ta get some of those invisible headphones everyone else was wearing .
Couldn ’ t even tell they were listening to the same story !
” The trend also comes as more reports of zoo-patrons have been seen wearing headphones while marveling at the animals , assuming they were the main characters of the audio book Animorphs .

ANAHEIM, CA – After strapping in to ride the Incredicoaster at Disneyland with a group of fellow theme park thrill seekers, Toronto native Charles Hernandez’s screams were revealed to be caused by listening to R.L Stein’s classic children’s series Goosebumps on audiobook.
After the rise in the popularity of audiobooks in recent years, studies have shown that up to 40% of screams at any given moment in theme parks, grocery stores and museums have been attributed to the spooky narrative and bone-chilling dialogue of Stein’s famed series.
“It’s just infuriating,” describes ride operator Edward Khan. “We walked by to secure the passenger and when we pushed down the safety guard he jumped so hard we had to re-do the whole procedure. When the ride finished? I had to rub his head and tell him that monsters weren’t real.”
“And he was just drenched in sweat.”
“Oh man that was a wild ride,” Hernandez remarked. “That creepy puppet story had so many crazy twists and turns. I can’t even think of the name Slappy without getting shivers! I gotta get some of those invisible headphones everyone else was wearing. Couldn’t even tell they were listening to the same story!”
The trend also comes as more reports of zoo-patrons have been seen wearing headphones while marveling at the animals, assuming they were the main characters of the audio book Animorphs.


thebeaverton--2020-03-02--Doctors recommend that you cover your mouth when you cough you disgusting piece of shit

Hamilton , ON – After a decades long study , doctors at McMaster University ’ s Michael G. DeGroote School of Medicine have found that to prevent the spread of bacteria and viruses you should cover your mouth when you cough you disgusting piece of shit .
“ Given concerns over diseases like the Coronavirus it is important that you cover your mouth when you cough , ” said lead researcher Agnes Xiao .
“ And apparently you need us to remind you of this because you are a human shit stain with no regard for the health of other @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you are on a crowded subway or bus .
Especially then .
What the fuck ?
!
” she added .
The study compared a group that got coughed on and a control group that didn ’ t get coughed on .
The group that got coughed on were 70 % more likely to get sick and also just felt gross and like their personal space had been invaded .
Though not technically participants it also concluded that 100 % people who cough on other human beings deserve to die alone .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a few medical trials and this one was by far the grossest , ” stated a participant only identified as Patient 234 .
“ And I once did study that involved a procedure called fecal matter transplant.
” Other signs that someone is a “ uncovered cougher ” included listening to loud music without headphones , driving a BMW , manspreading and frequently saying “ just to play devil ’ s advocate here… ” Despite the study ’ s findings many patients are refusing to cover their mouth when they cough , until @ @ @ @ @ @ @ somehow develop basic hygiene .
Those assholes .
Doctors are also recommending that you thoroughly wash your hands because apparently you weren ’ t already you fucking fuck .
Seriously what ’ s wrong with you ?

Hamilton, ON – After a decades long study, doctors at McMaster University’s Michael G. DeGroote School of Medicine have found that to prevent the spread of bacteria and viruses you should cover your mouth when you cough you disgusting piece of shit.
“Given concerns over diseases like the Coronavirus it is important that you cover your mouth when you cough,” said lead researcher Agnes Xiao. “And apparently you need us to remind you of this because you are a human shit stain with no regard for the health of other people.”
“Yes, even if you are on a crowded subway or bus. Especially then. What the fuck?!” she added.
The study compared a group that got coughed on and a control group that didn’t get coughed on. The group that got coughed on were 70% more likely to get sick and also just felt gross and like their personal space had been invaded. Though not technically participants it also concluded that 100% people who cough on other human beings deserve to die alone.
“I’ve been a participant in a few medical trials and this one was by far the grossest,” stated a participant only identified as Patient 234. “And I once did study that involved a procedure called fecal matter transplant.”
Other signs that someone is a “uncovered cougher” included listening to loud music without headphones, driving a BMW, manspreading and frequently saying “just to play devil’s advocate here…”
Despite the study’s findings many patients are refusing to cover their mouth when they cough, until a broader study is released and they somehow develop basic hygiene. Those assholes.
Doctors are also recommending that you thoroughly wash your hands because apparently you weren’t already you fucking fuck. Seriously what’s wrong with you?


thebeaverton--2020-03-02--Telus threatens to euthanize animals if CRTC approves mobile virtual network operators

OTTAWA – Saying that if they wanted cute commercials instead of carcasses , they should do as he says , Telus CEO and President Darren Entwistle recommended that the CRTC not mandate mobile virtual network operators , or the company would put down every creature featured in its ads .
“ Have you ever wondered what a parrot with its head twisted off looks like ?
” said Entwistle to a room of regulators .
“ Because I can promise you that if you force us to open up our network to smaller carriers , you will have the chance @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in a variety of caged creatures before the committee for effect , Entwistle stated that while he did not relish the thought of unleashing his entire marketing department on a room of squirrel monkeys , meerkats , penguins , flamingos , tree frogs , iguanas , pandas , sloths , toucans , hippos , piglets , and lion cubs with nothing but needles , a pair of shotguns , and some rope , it would be a consequence consumers would have to face should the CRTC decide to introduce more competition into Canada @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they will consider what Telus has to say , but are not intimidated , having called Bell ’ s bluff in 2008 to harvest its beaver frontmen for pelts in response to the upcoming spectrum auction being largely reserved for new entrants to the Canadian wireless market .
“ Telus isn ’ t the only carrier to warn of killing and mutilating beloved mascots if we mandate MVNOs , ” says CRTC Chair Ian Scott .
“ Freedom Mobile has said if we go ahead , they ’ ll dismember Will Arnett limb @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Ultimately , ” he added , “ Canadian consumers don ’ t care who or what has to die to get wireless service comparable to literally the rest of the world .
”

OTTAWA – Saying that if they wanted cute commercials instead of carcasses, they should do as he says, Telus CEO and President Darren Entwistle recommended that the CRTC not mandate mobile virtual network operators, or the company would put down every creature featured in its ads.
“Have you ever wondered what a parrot with its head twisted off looks like?” said Entwistle to a room of regulators. “Because I can promise you that if you force us to open up our network to smaller carriers, you will have the chance to find out.”
As aides brought in a variety of caged creatures before the committee for effect, Entwistle stated that while he did not relish the thought of unleashing his entire marketing department on a room of squirrel monkeys, meerkats, penguins, flamingos, tree frogs, iguanas, pandas, sloths, toucans, hippos, piglets, and lion cubs with nothing but needles, a pair of shotguns, and some rope, it would be a consequence consumers would have to face should the CRTC decide to introduce more competition into Canada’s wireless market.
Regulators say they will consider what Telus has to say, but are not intimidated, having called Bell’s bluff in 2008 to harvest its beaver frontmen for pelts in response to the upcoming spectrum auction being largely reserved for new entrants to the Canadian wireless market.
“Telus isn’t the only carrier to warn of killing and mutilating beloved mascots if we mandate MVNOs,” says CRTC Chair Ian Scott. “Freedom Mobile has said if we go ahead, they’ll dismember Will Arnett limb by limb until we reverse our decision.”
“Ultimately,” he added, “Canadian consumers don’t care who or what has to die to get wireless service comparable to literally the rest of the world.”


thebeaverton--2020-03-02--Man who took 30 years to win one state considered “electable”

SOUTH CAROLINA – Joe Biden is now the presumptive nominee for the Democratic Party and the “ man to beat , ” following a primary win in South Carolina that only took him a third of a century to achieve .
After losing his first nomination contest in 1988 to Michael Dukakis , and his second twenty years later to Barack Obama , Biden set fire to the Democratic party on Saturday by finally winning the elusive state after only three attempts , played out over the course of an entire generation .
“ I ’ ve never seen anyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ National Committee Chair Tom Perez .
“ I ’ m confident this win means we ’ ll be naming Joe Biden the Democratic candidate at our national convention in July .
Sure it ’ s his only state so far this year , and Bernie Sanders already holds California , leads in delegate count , and is favoured in the polls , but those are just facts .
You know what else is a fact ?
Joe Biden won North Carolina !
” “ Or , no , wait… was it South Carolina @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
” The victory comes at a time when the DNC has been heavily criticized for favouring an establishment candidate like Biden over a more popular , likeable , knowledgeable , charismatic , and honest one like Sanders , who as of yet hasn ’ t been photographed smelling the heads of any visibly uncomfortable women .
Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren also hasn ’ t been spared from Biden-fever .
Despite somehow being overqualified for the role of President of the United States , Warren lags behind Biden , with some voters expressing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ every Democrat voting for Warren would be mathematically inferior to every Democrat voting for Biden .
“ Finally we have an electable candidate in Joe !
” posted Reddit user Shatner69 in the Electable Candidates forum .
“ I mean sure Warren set a record for her first Senate run by winning 95.77 % of the delegates , and sure she ’ s literally won every office she ever ran for .
But if you think that somehow translates as electable , then I don ’ t think you ’ re paying attention.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ been further boosted in the eyes of the Democratic establishment after it was announced he ’ d be receiving the endorsement of the former mayor of a small town in Indiana .

SOUTH CAROLINA – Joe Biden is now the presumptive nominee for the Democratic Party and the “man to beat,” following a primary win in South Carolina that only took him a third of a century to achieve.
After losing his first nomination contest in 1988 to Michael Dukakis, and his second twenty years later to Barack Obama, Biden set fire to the Democratic party on Saturday by finally winning the elusive state after only three attempts, played out over the course of an entire generation.
“I’ve never seen anyone win so hard,” said Democratic National Committee Chair Tom Perez. “I’m confident this win means we’ll be naming Joe Biden the Democratic candidate at our national convention in July. Sure it’s his only state so far this year, and Bernie Sanders already holds California, leads in delegate count, and is favoured in the polls, but those are just facts. You know what else is a fact? Joe Biden won North Carolina!”
“Or, no, wait… was it South Carolina? Anyway, he finally got one!”
The victory comes at a time when the DNC has been heavily criticized for favouring an establishment candidate like Biden over a more popular, likeable, knowledgeable, charismatic, and honest one like Sanders, who as of yet hasn’t been photographed smelling the heads of any visibly uncomfortable women.
Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren also hasn’t been spared from Biden-fever. Despite somehow being overqualified for the role of President of the United States, Warren lags behind Biden, with some voters expressing concern that in a national election, every Democrat voting for Warren would be mathematically inferior to every Democrat voting for Biden.
“Finally we have an electable candidate in Joe!” posted Reddit user Shatner69 in the Electable Candidates forum. “I mean sure Warren set a record for her first Senate run by winning 95.77% of the delegates, and sure she’s literally won every office she ever ran for. But if you think that somehow translates as electable, then I don’t think you’re paying attention.”
At press time, Biden has been further boosted in the eyes of the Democratic establishment after it was announced he’d be receiving the endorsement of the former mayor of a small town in Indiana.


thebeaverton--2020-03-03--Team Canada to be divided based on petty regional differences

OTTAWA – The Canadian Olympic Committee announced the 2020 Olympic team will be divided into several separate teams based on petty regional differences and long standing disputes between provinces .
Team Laurentian Elites , Team Quebec , Team Western Alienation , and the Pacific Hippies as well other areas with narrow-minded grievances will all be participating on independent teams with their own flags and regional anthems .
“ We are encouraging our formerly unified Team Canada athletes to fight among each other on the basis of where they were born or reside , ” said the former chef de mission @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Creating divisions is the best way to inspire our athletes whether it be over the use of natural resources or having a funny accent.
” Team Quebec has demanded that their anglophone wrestling opponents be one-third the size of Quebec athletes to protect their distinct culture .
The region ’ s water polo roster was temporarily suspended after their helmets were mistaken for religious headgear .
Team Central Canada requested Team Western Alienation reduce the number of basketball players on the court since they had a larger share of the population .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ two additional points since oil prices are low , ” said Alberta-born soccer goalie Erin McLeod to her former Team Canada teammate and BC-native Christine Sinclair .
“ Also , I ’ m told that referees excessively regulate the matches with red tape and unfair rules , which prevent my region from winning.
” Meanwhile the GTA ’ s Baseball squad was attempting to locate the rest of Canada on a map to play their Olympic qualifier with Team North .
At press time , Team Maritimes was already forgotten about .

OTTAWA – The Canadian Olympic Committee announced the 2020 Olympic team will be divided into several separate teams based on petty regional differences and long standing disputes between provinces.
Team Laurentian Elites, Team Quebec, Team Western Alienation, and the Pacific Hippies as well other areas with narrow-minded grievances will all be participating on independent teams with their own flags and regional anthems.
“We are encouraging our formerly unified Team Canada athletes to fight among each other on the basis of where they were born or reside,” said the former chef de mission for Team Canada Marnie McBean. “Creating divisions is the best way to inspire our athletes whether it be over the use of natural resources or having a funny accent.”
Team Quebec has demanded that their anglophone wrestling opponents be one-third the size of Quebec athletes to protect their distinct culture. The region’s water polo roster was temporarily suspended after their helmets were mistaken for religious headgear.
Team Central Canada requested Team Western Alienation reduce the number of basketball players on the court since they had a larger share of the population.
“I am told we should be given two additional points since oil prices are low,” said Alberta-born soccer goalie Erin McLeod to her former Team Canada teammate and BC-native Christine Sinclair. “Also, I’m told that referees excessively regulate the matches with red tape and unfair rules, which prevent my region from winning.”
Meanwhile the GTA’s Baseball squad was attempting to locate the rest of Canada on a map to play their Olympic qualifier with Team North.
At press time, Team Maritimes was already forgotten about.


thebeaverton--2020-03-04--Coronavirus Update: Hand sanitizer shortage has more people boiling their hands for five minutes

TORONTO – A critical shortage of hand sanitizer caused by coronavirus fears has more people taking the precaution of placing their hands in boiling hot water for five minutes .
With shelves empty of alcohol-based gels like Purell , scorching your flesh with 100 C water appears to be the only second option of preventing the disease from spreading .
“ At a time like this , people have to be resourceful and use whatever means to eliminate all forms of microbiological life , ” said Eric Torres before screaming as he dunked his hands into a pot full of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I have to make sure there ’ s no COVID-19 or any other organic material on my skin , ” said Torres grinding his teeth .
“ Proper hand burning is the only way to get the excessive layers of skin off.
” Small portable pots and gas stoves have been attached to purses and bags and are now being sold to the health-conscious consumer who needs a quick hand scalding while on the go .
“ I just don ’ t want to get sick , ” said Mary Dupont filling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a portable butane stove after disembarking from her public transit ride .
“ There ’ s a lot of stupid people out there who don ’ t take precautions like bleaching your body or napalming your countertops , so you can never be too safe.
” Meanwhile , thousands were reported dead after a shortage of medical masks caused many members of the disease-weary public to stop breathing in public .

TORONTO – A critical shortage of hand sanitizer caused by coronavirus fears has more people taking the precaution of placing their hands in boiling hot water for five minutes.
With shelves empty of alcohol-based gels like Purell, scorching your flesh with 100 C water appears to be the only second option of preventing the disease from spreading.
“At a time like this, people have to be resourceful and use whatever means to eliminate all forms of microbiological life,” said Eric Torres before screaming as he dunked his hands into a pot full of boiling water on his stove top.
“I have to make sure there’s no COVID-19 or any other organic material on my skin,” said Torres grinding his teeth. “Proper hand burning is the only way to get the excessive layers of skin off.”
Small portable pots and gas stoves have been attached to purses and bags and are now being sold to the health-conscious consumer who needs a quick hand scalding while on the go.
“I just don’t want to get sick,” said Mary Dupont filling a pot full of water and lighting a portable butane stove after disembarking from her public transit ride. “There’s a lot of stupid people out there who don’t take precautions like bleaching your body or napalming your countertops, so you can never be too safe.”
Meanwhile, thousands were reported dead after a shortage of medical masks caused many members of the disease-weary public to stop breathing in public.


thebeaverton--2020-03-05--Breaking: U.S. President to be man for record 232nd straight year

WASHINGTON D.C. – With Elizabeth Warren dropping out of the Democratic Primaries the United States will break its own record for longest time governed exclusively by men .
“ Sure we considered going with a woman , and of course there are also thousands of non-binary people in the U.S. , ” said DNC insider Michael Cliffe .
“ But then we thought : what if a dude again ?
” “ Not just any dude .
An old , white dude .
That sounds like the kind of crazy idea that just might work.
” Few imagined the U.S. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it was founded as a tea-destroying slavery hub in the late 18th century .
Even fewer could picture this milestone after women were granted the right to vote in the early 20th century .
But through sheer will , determination , institutional patriarchy , and a little bit of luck , Bros have crushed it in election after election .
Some in the U.K. claim the record actually belongs to them , as they had an uninterrupted streak of # boyboss PMs from 1721 to 1979 .
However the U.S. claims the fact @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of this time negates this , and added ‘ we ’ ve seen the crown bruh.
’ While millions of voters are currently mobilizing to elect the United States first female president within their lifetimes , projections indicate this “ Dude Wave ” could continue well into the next century .
“ Men still make up nearly 50 % of the population , ” explained futurist Glenn Hardlowe .
“ So new men are being created everyday .
Plus , with the advent of male robotics , no one knows if this trend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ related news every Canadian reading this was currently patting themselves on the back for having an unelected female Prime Minister for 5 minutes in the early 90s .

WASHINGTON D.C. – With Elizabeth Warren dropping out of the Democratic Primaries the United States will break its own record for longest time governed exclusively by men.
“Sure we considered going with a woman, and of course there are also thousands of non-binary people in the U.S.,” said DNC insider Michael Cliffe. “But then we thought: what if a dude again?”
“Not just any dude. An old, white dude. That sounds like the kind of crazy idea that just might work.”
Few imagined the U.S. could embark on such a run when it was founded as a tea-destroying slavery hub in the late 18th century. Even fewer could picture this milestone after women were granted the right to vote in the early 20th century. But through sheer will, determination, institutional patriarchy, and a little bit of luck, Bros have crushed it in election after election.
Some in the U.K. claim the record actually belongs to them, as they had an uninterrupted streak of #boyboss PMs from 1721 to 1979. However the U.S. claims the fact that they had female monarchs for much of this time negates this, and added ‘we’ve seen the crown bruh.’
While millions of voters are currently mobilizing to elect the United States first female president within their lifetimes, projections indicate this “Dude Wave” could continue well into the next century. “Men still make up nearly 50% of the population,” explained futurist Glenn Hardlowe. “So new men are being created everyday. Plus, with the advent of male robotics, no one knows if this trend will ever need to end.”
In related news every Canadian reading this was currently patting themselves on the back for having an unelected female Prime Minister for 5 minutes in the early 90s.


thebeaverton--2020-03-05--Finally, Compromise: Flat Earther suggests maybe planet could be hexagonal

In an effort to appease both the scientific community and the world ’ s flat earthers , Flat Earth Society member Devon Pinsent has put forth a bold suggestion : maybe it ’ s time for all of us to agree the planet is hexagonal .
“ A hexagon is round , but it has many flat parts , ” Pinsent explained , gesturing to an enormous whiteboard he had covered with diagrams to demonstrate his point .
“ It captures the essence of both sides of the debate without committing one way or the other .
I think that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been at war with the flat earth movement for centuries , so finding peace in a shape that is simultaneously flat and round could be a beautiful moment for both groups .
In the cacophony of expertise , voices of unfounded skepticism , like Pinsent ’ s , could finally be heard .
“ I feel that the Earth is flat .
How is that feeling less valid than , say , a photograph of the Earth being round ?
” Pinsent fumed , tearing up a little bit .
“ The Flat @ @ @ @ @ @ @ here .
We want to compromise , even though we really don ’ t have to .
Science needs to reign in the obstructionist factions blocking our generous deal.
” Unsurprisingly , some scientists agree with him .
Jeff Boden , preeminent geophysicist at the University of Delaware , thinks the compromise could create a formidable coalition , forming what he calls “ the big tent of moderate science.
” “ Sure , nobody involved is really happy , ” Jeff shrugged .
“ And yes , declaring our planet a hexagon would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ everyone ’ s metric .
But how will we advance our cause and expand our base if we don ’ t start listening to amateurs who have never studied physics ?
” So what does our bright , hexagonal future look like ?
Pinsent has proposed that the world ’ s scientists can move closer to the centre of the hexagon where things are “ more round , ” while flat earthers take up residence on the outer perimeter where the world “ gets flat.
” Each G7 nation would get a vertex @ @ @ @ @ @ @ retain sovereignty over the dome in the sky that “ protects us from the hideous round sun.
” The remainder of the planet would be divided “ like it is on the globe , except flat.
” “ Ideally we ’ d give the ocean to our friends on the Scientology boat , ” Pinsent winked .
“ But we ’ re willing to negotiate.
” At press time , the proposal was unanimously passed at the Flat Earth Society general meeting , 6-0 .
Pinsent and his group are still awaiting a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be in charge of science worldwide : Bill Nye the Science Guy .

In an effort to appease both the scientific community and the world’s flat earthers, Flat Earth Society member Devon Pinsent has put forth a bold suggestion: maybe it’s time for all of us to agree the planet is hexagonal.
“A hexagon is round, but it has many flat parts,” Pinsent explained, gesturing to an enormous whiteboard he had covered with diagrams to demonstrate his point. “It captures the essence of both sides of the debate without committing one way or the other. I think that’s pretty special.”
Science has been at war with the flat earth movement for centuries, so finding peace in a shape that is simultaneously flat and round could be a beautiful moment for both groups. In the cacophony of expertise, voices of unfounded skepticism, like Pinsent’s, could finally be heard.
“I feel that the Earth is flat. How is that feeling less valid than, say, a photograph of the Earth being round?” Pinsent fumed, tearing up a little bit. “The Flat Earth Society is offering an olive branch here. We want to compromise, even though we really don’t have to. Science needs to reign in the obstructionist factions blocking our generous deal.”
Unsurprisingly, some scientists agree with him. Jeff Boden, preeminent geophysicist at the University of Delaware, thinks the compromise could create a formidable coalition, forming what he calls “the big tent of moderate science.”
“Sure, nobody involved is really happy,” Jeff shrugged. “And yes, declaring our planet a hexagon would be fundamentally, provably incorrect by literally everyone’s metric. But how will we advance our cause and expand our base if we don’t start listening to amateurs who have never studied physics?”
So what does our bright, hexagonal future look like? Pinsent has proposed that the world’s scientists can move closer to the centre of the hexagon where things are “more round,” while flat earthers take up residence on the outer perimeter where the world “gets flat.” Each G7 nation would get a vertex except the United States, who would retain sovereignty over the dome in the sky that “protects us from the hideous round sun.” The remainder of the planet would be divided “like it is on the globe, except flat.”
“Ideally we’d give the ocean to our friends on the Scientology boat,” Pinsent winked. “But we’re willing to negotiate.”
At press time, the proposal was unanimously passed at the Flat Earth Society general meeting, 6-0. Pinsent and his group are still awaiting a response from the man they believe to be in charge of science worldwide: Bill Nye the Science Guy.


thebeaverton--2020-03-05--Eglinton LRT construction extended just long enough to be cancelled at last minute

TORONTO — With the recent announcement that the long-under-construction Eglinton LRT will be completed in 2022 , the TTC has assured riders that this is only to ensure that the entire project can be scrapped as late as possible .
“ We understand that the Eglinton Crosstown construction has caused traffic delays for years now , ” claimed TTC head of Central Planning , Geoff Mesters .
“ Now that the project is dangerously close to being completed , we want to assure riders that it will be wholly abandoned , in order to preserve current levels of service.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ construction it will require to fill in the hole , that ’ s just the icing on the cake , ” added Mesters .
The decision to delay the cancellation of the Eglinton Crosstown is reportedly a joint initiative between several layers of government .
Toronto City Council recently voted overwhelmingly to halt the LRT project after recently-disgraced Councillor Jim Karygiannis ( Scarborough—Agincourt ) argued , “ I for one am sick and tired of Wards that aren ’ t my Ward getting things and stuff !
” Similarly , Premier Doug Ford @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as far into 2022 as possible , for maximum cost to Ontarians .
“ If we can lose money selling marijuana and somehow botch license plates , we can absolutely fuck up a project that is 90 % complete ” commented Ford .
Representatives for Metrolinx assured Torontonians that the project cancellation would be timed for maximum heartbreak .
“ We plan to wait until the last possible second , ” said one Metrolinx spokesperson .
“ Ideally there will have already been a ribbon-cutting ceremony , and commuters will be taking their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s the exact moment when we will announce a ‘ service delay ’ , which will of course be permanent.
” Metrolinx has also assured Ontarians that by the time of cancellation Bombardier will have been overpaid by millions , and have already raised PRESTO fares accordingly .
They then forecast that the soon-to-be-abandoned tunnels will be “ a wonderful place for local teens to smoke pot and have terrible sex.
” Meanwhile , several local residents remain unimpressed at the wait .
“ Nowadays it takes forever for the TTC to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ West resident Lester Reynolds .
“ You got that Scarborough subway that ’ s been limping along for nearly a decade now .
Back in my day , Mike Harris would cancel half-built transit projects in half the time !
” Looking forward , transit experts are exploring options to turn the abandoned Eglinton Crosstown tunnel into a series of Starbuckses , an extra already-congested highway , or one 12-kilometer long underground condo .

TORONTO — With the recent announcement that the long-under-construction Eglinton LRT will be completed in 2022, the TTC has assured riders that this is only to ensure that the entire project can be scrapped as late as possible.
“We understand that the Eglinton Crosstown construction has caused traffic delays for years now,” claimed TTC head of Central Planning, Geoff Mesters. “Now that the project is dangerously close to being completed, we want to assure riders that it will be wholly abandoned, in order to preserve current levels of service.”
“As for the 10 years of construction it will require to fill in the hole, that’s just the icing on the cake,” added Mesters.
The decision to delay the cancellation of the Eglinton Crosstown is reportedly a joint initiative between several layers of government. Toronto City Council recently voted overwhelmingly to halt the LRT project after recently-disgraced Councillor Jim Karygiannis (Scarborough—Agincourt) argued, “I for one am sick and tired of Wards that aren’t my Ward getting things and stuff!”
Similarly, Premier Doug Ford agreed that the LRT should be scrapped as far into 2022 as possible, for maximum cost to Ontarians. “If we can lose money selling marijuana and somehow botch license plates, we can absolutely fuck up a project that is 90% complete” commented Ford.
“Also, go to hell Toronto,” added Toronto resident Doug Ford.
Representatives for Metrolinx assured Torontonians that the project cancellation would be timed for maximum heartbreak. “We plan to wait until the last possible second,” said one Metrolinx spokesperson. “Ideally there will have already been a ribbon-cutting ceremony, and commuters will be taking their first steps onto the LRT. That’s the exact moment when we will announce a ‘service delay’, which will of course be permanent.”
Metrolinx has also assured Ontarians that by the time of cancellation Bombardier will have been overpaid by millions, and have already raised PRESTO fares accordingly. They then forecast that the soon-to-be-abandoned tunnels will be “a wonderful place for local teens to smoke pot and have terrible sex.”
Meanwhile, several local residents remain unimpressed at the wait. “Nowadays it takes forever for the TTC to cancel projects,” explained longtime Eglinton West resident Lester Reynolds. “You got that Scarborough subway that’s been limping along for nearly a decade now. Back in my day, Mike Harris would cancel half-built transit projects in half the time!”
Looking forward, transit experts are exploring options to turn the abandoned Eglinton Crosstown tunnel into a series of Starbuckses, an extra already-congested highway, or one 12-kilometer long underground condo.


thebeaverton--2020-03-05--Alberta announces it will only protect the most profitable wildlife

EDMONTON – Citing the mounting cost to taxpayers , Alberta ’ s UCP government announced that it will be only be protecting wildlife that can turn a profit .
Environment Minister Jason Nixon said the government will be cutting protected birds , animals , and fish that have been living on the land rent free , but haven ’ t done their part to balance the provincial budget .
“ Big Horned Sheep can draw a crowd and sell t-shirts at a gift shop , but mountain goats just snare traffic , ” said Nixon during a press scrum in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a poor fourth quarter profit so they ’ re on thin ice and the bisons have to give us a viable business plan or else it might be back to near extinction for them.
” Popular animals such as grizzly bears will be spared , but less majestic ones will be given to third parties or privatized .
“ Sandpipers and mountain sparrows need to reinvent their music if they want to enjoy the privilege of playing their songs under Alberta ’ s protection , ” scorned Nixon about freeloading bird species Alberta @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will stop subsidizing these so-called artists that only work during the summer before taking off to someplace warmer during the winter .
It ’ s not fair to the hardworking people of Alberta.
” Despite their haunting howls , wolves will no longer be protected since few tourists ever see them leaving them disappointed .
“ These slackers never show up to work to entertain their clients and want us to keep their habitat nice and tidy ?
This wildlife welfare has to end.
” However , the UCP reassured the public that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ protect its most vulnerable species , oil and gas CEOs .

EDMONTON – Citing the mounting cost to taxpayers, Alberta’s UCP government announced that it will be only be protecting wildlife that can turn a profit.
Environment Minister Jason Nixon said the government will be cutting protected birds, animals, and fish that have been living on the land rent free, but haven’t done their part to balance the provincial budget.
“Big Horned Sheep can draw a crowd and sell t-shirts at a gift shop, but mountain goats just snare traffic,” said Nixon during a press scrum in the Alberta Legislature. “Moose posted a poor fourth quarter profit so they’re on thin ice and the bisons have to give us a viable business plan or else it might be back to near extinction for them.”
Popular animals such as grizzly bears will be spared, but less majestic ones will be given to third parties or privatized.
“Sandpipers and mountain sparrows need to reinvent their music if they want to enjoy the privilege of playing their songs under Alberta’s protection,” scorned Nixon about freeloading bird species Alberta Parks can do without. “We will stop subsidizing these so-called artists that only work during the summer before taking off to someplace warmer during the winter. It’s not fair to the hardworking people of Alberta.”
Despite their haunting howls, wolves will no longer be protected since few tourists ever see them leaving them disappointed.
“These slackers never show up to work to entertain their clients and want us to keep their habitat nice and tidy? This wildlife welfare has to end.”
However, the UCP reassured the public that it will continue to heavily fund and protect its most vulnerable species, oil and gas CEOs.


thebeaverton--2020-03-06--Mothers Against Head Crushing boycott impending Kids in the Hall revival

TORONTO – Canadian comedy troupe The Kids in the Hall are returning to the small screen for an 8 episode revival on Amazon Prime Video .
The news of the show ’ s reboot elicited a heated boycott from the nonprofit group Mothers Against Head Crushing .
“ Back in ‘ 95 , I thought the tyranny of the Head Crusher had come to an end when the show concluded its run , ” sobbed MAHC spokesperson Rayanne Maclin .
“ But they just keep coming back , so we have to stay vigilant .
I hate to admit it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s philosophy but we ’ re living in a head crush or be head crushed world.
” Many mothers across the nation have signed an online petition demanding the cancellation of the show , and that the men of KITH be brought to justice .
“ My son is a commerce student and I shudder to imagine a world in which he is targeted for his affinity for making money , ” roared MAHC president Lana Sinha at a rally yesterday outside of an Amazon fulfillment warehouse in Mississauga .
“ So what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ That doesn ’ t mean he ’ s asking to have his head crushed !
All our kids can ’ t be deadbeats like Bobby Terrance , but I bet that would make those ‘ kids ’ in that ‘ hall ’ real happy.
” The details of the MAHC petition are listed on their website and demand that “ Mark McKinney denounce the actions of his alter-ego Mr. Tyzik a.k.a .
the Head Crusher , ” and that should the reboot proceed despite the group ’ s protests , that “ all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the graves of these five white comedians in their 50s.
” As of early Friday morning , the group had accumulated viral support online .
Approximately 30 different Helens signed the petition and agreed that Head Crushing has no place in 2020 .
At press time , MAHC broadened their campaign to include activist group Mothers Against Face Pinching .

TORONTO – Canadian comedy troupe The Kids in the Hall are returning to the small screen for an 8 episode revival on Amazon Prime Video. The news of the show’s reboot elicited a heated boycott from the nonprofit group Mothers Against Head Crushing.
“Back in ‘95, I thought the tyranny of the Head Crusher had come to an end when the show concluded its run,” sobbed MAHC spokesperson Rayanne Maclin. “But they just keep coming back, so we have to stay vigilant. I hate to admit it because it goes against our organization’s philosophy but we’re living in a head crush or be head crushed world.”
Many mothers across the nation have signed an online petition demanding the cancellation of the show, and that the men of KITH be brought to justice.
“My son is a commerce student and I shudder to imagine a world in which he is targeted for his affinity for making money,” roared MAHC president Lana Sinha at a rally yesterday outside of an Amazon fulfillment warehouse in Mississauga. “So what if he’s a flathead! That doesn’t mean he’s asking to have his head crushed! All our kids can’t be deadbeats like Bobby Terrance, but I bet that would make those ‘kids’ in that ‘hall’ real happy.”
The details of the MAHC petition are listed on their website and demand that “Mark McKinney denounce the actions of his alter-ego Mr. Tyzik a.k.a. the Head Crusher,” and that should the reboot proceed despite the group’s protests, that “all bereft mothers be allowed to dance on the graves of these five white comedians in their 50s.”
As of early Friday morning, the group had accumulated viral support online. Approximately 30 different Helens signed the petition and agreed that Head Crushing has no place in 2020.
At press time, MAHC broadened their campaign to include activist group Mothers Against Face Pinching.


thebeaverton--2020-03-06--Fancy Tim Hortons just as bad

Fancy Tim Hortons just as bad

TORONTO – In the aftermath of the grand opening of a new , high-end Tim Hortons in the heart of Toronto ’ s financial district , customers have confirmed that it ’ s definitely just as bad as all the others .
“ I was worried that Timmy ’ s was abandoning its roots to chase a higher class of customer , ” said Robert Carmichael .
“ But I ’ m pleased to say that it still maintains the poor quality and substandard experience familiar to anyone who settled for less and went to one of the ones connected @ @ @ @ @ @ @ location sells products which mirror the latest culinary trends of gourmet coffees and elaborately designed pastries , including nitrogen-infused cold brews and Dream Donuts .
However , loyal Tim Hortons patrons need not worry as the new products taste , look , and smell just as awful and godless as classic fare .
Initial taste tests among customers have confirmed that the coffee is the same old swill as everyone knows and resents , but fancier .
“ Thank goodness that the whole experience is still as soul-destroying as I ’ m used @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , “ if I order one of their new Italian Muffuletta Sandwiches out of morbid curiosity , I want to be as disappointed and get as much diarrhea as if I ordered a Turkey Bacon Club from one of the normal locations.
” Executives have also ensured that the garbage experience extends beyond just the food .
To accomplish this , the new Tim Hortons is staffed with the same disaffected youth , lit with the same high-intensity , unflattering lighting , and furnished with the same always-kind-of-sticky-but-also-greasy-simultaneously-somehow tables as Canadians typically associate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ still always be a man smoking right next to the entrance door , although now it will be a cigar .
“ We thought you can ’ t put lipstick on a pig until we realized you totally can , ” said executive Linda Belarous .
“ So that ’ s exactly what we did !
” Tims execs added that they are especially glad they decided to pay thousands for the new lighting fixtures instead of wasting money by giving their employees a living wage .

TORONTO – In the aftermath of the grand opening of a new, high-end Tim Hortons in the heart of Toronto’s financial district, customers have confirmed that it’s definitely just as bad as all the others.
“I was worried that Timmy’s was abandoning its roots to chase a higher class of customer,” said Robert Carmichael. “But I’m pleased to say that it still maintains the poor quality and substandard experience familiar to anyone who settled for less and went to one of the ones connected to a gas station.”
The new location sells products which mirror the latest culinary trends of gourmet coffees and elaborately designed pastries, including nitrogen-infused cold brews and Dream Donuts. However, loyal Tim Hortons patrons need not worry as the new products taste, look, and smell just as awful and godless as classic fare. Initial taste tests among customers have confirmed that the coffee is the same old swill as everyone knows and resents, but fancier.
“Thank goodness that the whole experience is still as soul-destroying as I’m used to,” said Margaret St. Clair, “if I order one of their new Italian Muffuletta Sandwiches out of morbid curiosity, I want to be as disappointed and get as much diarrhea as if I ordered a Turkey Bacon Club from one of the normal locations.”
Executives have also ensured that the garbage experience extends beyond just the food. To accomplish this, the new Tim Hortons is staffed with the same disaffected youth, lit with the same high-intensity, unflattering lighting, and furnished with the same always-kind-of-sticky-but-also-greasy-simultaneously-somehow tables as Canadians typically associate with the restaurant. Also there will still always be a man smoking right next to the entrance door, although now it will be a cigar.
“We thought you can’t put lipstick on a pig until we realized you totally can,” said executive Linda Belarous. “So that’s exactly what we did!”
Tims execs added that they are especially glad they decided to pay thousands for the new lighting fixtures instead of wasting money by giving their employees a living wage.


thebeaverton--2020-03-07--World Health Organization warns those slipping the surly bonds of Earth to stop touching the face of

World Health Organization warns those slipping the surly bonds of Earth to stop touching the face of God

GENEVA – The World Health Organization is asking pilots , air passengers and astronauts climbing sunward to join the tumbling mirth of sun-split clouds to please refrain from touching the face of any deity they might find where never lark or even eagle flew .
“ One of the best and easiest ways to prevent the transmission of infectious diseases is to wash your hands and avoid touching your own face and the faces of others , ” WHO said in a press release about the importance of proper hygiene to prevent disease transmission .
“ When , after wheeling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sunlit silence , you touch the face of God , you are transferring germs both too and from him and putting the health of both parties at risk.
” Touching the face of God while dancing the skies on laughter-silvered wings has become such a common activity in the aviation world that many pilots are refusing to heed the new recommended guidelines while chasing the shouting wind up , up the long , delirious , burning blue .
“ This is ridiculous .
I ’ ve trod the high untrespassed sanctity of space @ @ @ @ @ @ @ touched the face of God tons of times before and never gotten sick , ” said Henry Prescott , an aerialist who refuses to let the threat of disease transmission change his behaviour while flinging his eager craft through footless halls of air .
“ I ’ ll just load up on Purell first .
It ’ ll be fine.
” In the same presser , WHO also warned rough beasts who believe their hour has come round at last to hold off on slouching towards Bethlehem to be born until the international @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stem the blood-dimmed tide and make the centre hold .

GENEVA – The World Health Organization is asking pilots, air passengers and astronauts climbing sunward to join the tumbling mirth of sun-split clouds to please refrain from touching the face of any deity they might find where never lark or even eagle flew.
“One of the best and easiest ways to prevent the transmission of infectious diseases is to wash your hands and avoid touching your own face and the faces of others,” WHO said in a press release about the importance of proper hygiene to prevent disease transmission. “When, after wheeling and soaring and swinging high in the sunlit silence, you touch the face of God, you are transferring germs both too and from him and putting the health of both parties at risk.”
Touching the face of God while dancing the skies on laughter-silvered wings has become such a common activity in the aviation world that many pilots are refusing to heed the new recommended guidelines while chasing the shouting wind up, up the long, delirious, burning blue.
“This is ridiculous. I’ve trod the high untrespassed sanctity of space, put out my hand, and touched the face of God tons of times before and never gotten sick,” said Henry Prescott, an aerialist who refuses to let the threat of disease transmission change his behaviour while flinging his eager craft through footless halls of air. “I’ll just load up on Purell first. It’ll be fine.”
In the same presser, WHO also warned rough beasts who believe their hour has come round at last to hold off on slouching towards Bethlehem to be born until the international medical community has found a way to stem the blood-dimmed tide and make the centre hold.


thebeaverton--2020-03-08--Philosopher doesn’t feel so smart after getting run over by trolley

MISSISSAUGA , ON – A local philosopher has found himself rethinking his active career , worried that academia may have failed him following a Sunday morning dilemma that ended with the 42-year-old Jared Pittalain being run over by a trolley .
A professor at the University of Toronto Mississauga campus , Pittalain teaches several philosophy courses and encourages students to think critically about all situations .
Despite this passion for internal debate , he was left without answers when asked how he found himself getting run over by a trolley .
“ It turns out that in the real world @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of just switching directions at a moment ’ s notice like I had previously thought , ” explained Pittalain from the hospital room where he was recovering .
“ I thought I had plenty of time to get off the tracks while all those involved considered the moral quandary at hand but before they would have even had time to debate Descartes ’ system of ethics I was hit at full speed… and there wasn ’ t even anyone on the other track.
” Pittalain is not the first philosopher to find themselves @ @ @ @ @ @ @ PhD student who was studying the works of Plato found themselves lost in a cave for four months before finally getting rescued .
Following such unfortunate events , many philosophers now find themselves debating whether the science of philosophy truly does help critical thought as much as they previously thought .
“ I ’ m now realising I know nothing , suggested Pittalain .
“ I ’ m also starting to think these conductors have gotten out of control .
Someone should do something about it like start a rail blockage before anyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ probably the first person to think of that !
”

MISSISSAUGA, ON – A local philosopher has found himself rethinking his active career, worried that academia may have failed him following a Sunday morning dilemma that ended with the 42-year-old Jared Pittalain being run over by a trolley.
A professor at the University of Toronto Mississauga campus, Pittalain teaches several philosophy courses and encourages students to think critically about all situations. Despite this passion for internal debate, he was left without answers when asked how he found himself getting run over by a trolley.
“It turns out that in the real world, trolley conductors aren’t capable of just switching directions at a moment’s notice like I had previously thought,” explained Pittalain from the hospital room where he was recovering. “I thought I had plenty of time to get off the tracks while all those involved considered the moral quandary at hand but before they would have even had time to debate Descartes’ system of ethics I was hit at full speed… and there wasn’t even anyone on the other track.”
Pittalain is not the first philosopher to find themselves victim of a philosophical incident after a PhD student who was studying the works of Plato found themselves lost in a cave for four months before finally getting rescued.
Following such unfortunate events, many philosophers now find themselves debating whether the science of philosophy truly does help critical thought as much as they previously thought.
“I’m now realising I know nothing, suggested Pittalain. “I’m also starting to think these conductors have gotten out of control. Someone should do something about it like start a rail blockage before anyone else gets hurt. I’m probably the first person to think of that!”


thebeaverton--2020-03-09--Devastated stock brokers with faces in hands clearly not taking coronavirus precautions seriously

NEW YORK – Stock brokers throughout the world holding their faces in disbelief at the economic consequences of coronavirus have @ @ @ @ @ advice seriously .
WHO advised those in dire economic straits to hold up their devastated @ @ @ @ @ elbows to avoid actually touching their faces during the COVID-19 epidemic .
“ I ’ @ @ @ @ @ , ” lamented day trader Craig Dawson holding his face with both hands .
“ @ @ @ @ @ little in a public health care system ?
” Those on the trading floor anxiously @ @ @ @ @ yields fell to their lowest level and bankers shared the same cocaine straw while reviewing @ @ @ @ @ “ It ’ s all gone…my life ’ s savings , ” said a TSE @ @ @ @ @ his eyes in Toronto .
Bro-handshakes were replaced with sympathetic hugs as the financial community @ @ @ @ @ .
At press time , some investors attempted to take their lives by licking a @ @ @ @

NEW YORK – Stock brokers throughout the world holding their faces in disbelief at the economic consequences of coronavirus have not been taking public health advice seriously.
WHO advised those in dire economic straits to hold up their devastated and sorry-looking mugs with their elbows to avoid actually touching their faces during the COVID-19 epidemic.
“I’ve lost billions in oil,” lamented day trader Craig Dawson holding his face with both hands. “Why did I invest so little in a public health care system?”
Those on the trading floor anxiously bit their knuckles as bond yields fell to their lowest level and bankers shared the same cocaine straw while reviewing today’s losses.
“It’s all gone…my life’s savings,” said a TSE trader rubbing tears out of his eyes in Toronto.
Bro-handshakes were replaced with sympathetic hugs as the financial community attempted to console each other.
At press time, some investors attempted to take their lives by licking a known coronavirus patient.


thebeaverton--2020-03-09--Two-year-old’s backup teddy bear on thin fucking ice

WINNIPEG —- Reports have confirmed that Mr .
Broccoli , a teddy bear who has for most of the afternoon been subbing in for two-year-old Eleanor McWilson ’ s favourite teddy bear , Pinky , is going to be lucky if he lasts one more hour in this job .
“ We really thought he was up to the job , ” Eleanor ’ s mother , Rose , nervously told reporters .
“ Pinky really needed to go through the laundry , and Mr .
Broccoli looks so much like her except that his ears are a little pointier @ @ @ @ @ @ @ entirely qualified.
” “ But it turns out he just doesn ’ t have…it , you know ?
” The workday reportedly got off to a bad start when Eleanor asked Mr .
Broccoli if he wanted some tea , but the new hire then inexplicably fell over onto the tea he had asked for .
“ It was as though he didn ’ t even like the tea .
I mean , really ?
!
” Eleanor ’ s father Matt said in an increasingly heated interview .
“ He gets one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the boss , and JUST as she ’ s about to serve him some cream from the Elsa jug , he just faceplants in the tea ?
Like , does he even understand what a big career opportunity imaginary tea is ?
” Although Mr .
Broccoli has been Eleanor ’ s backup teddy bear for nearly six months ( after being promoted when her former number two , Sleep Cow , fell into a fish tank ) , he has been afforded few opportunities to make an in-person impression on her .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ before this afternoon was the time head bear Pinky made Eleanor cry by being “ a bear and not a baby shark ” .
However , Matt and Rose are still cautiously optimistic that Mr .
Broccoli can pull this career move back on track .
“ If she asks him to climb up to the top of the couch , I know he can really shine.
” Matt told reporters .
“ Mr Broccoli ’ s annual review showed his scampering skills to be—WAIT !
ELEANOR !
DON ’ T PUT HIM @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time , Mr .
Broccoli has been replaced as backup teddy bear by a really promising up-and-comer named “ tupperware container missing a lid ” .

WINNIPEG —- Reports have confirmed that Mr. Broccoli, a teddy bear who has for most of the afternoon been subbing in for two-year-old Eleanor McWilson’s favourite teddy bear, Pinky, is going to be lucky if he lasts one more hour in this job.
“We really thought he was up to the job,” Eleanor’s mother, Rose, nervously told reporters. “Pinky really needed to go through the laundry, and Mr. Broccoli looks so much like her except that his ears are a little pointier. On paper, he’s entirely qualified.”
“But it turns out he just doesn’t have…it, you know?”
The workday reportedly got off to a bad start when Eleanor asked Mr. Broccoli if he wanted some tea, but the new hire then inexplicably fell over onto the tea he had asked for.
“It was as though he didn’t even like the tea. I mean, really?!” Eleanor’s father Matt said in an increasingly heated interview. “He gets one chance to make a good impression on the boss, and JUST as she’s about to serve him some cream from the Elsa jug, he just faceplants in the tea? Like, does he even understand what a big career opportunity imaginary tea is?”
Although Mr. Broccoli has been Eleanor’s backup teddy bear for nearly six months (after being promoted when her former number two, Sleep Cow, fell into a fish tank), he has been afforded few opportunities to make an in-person impression on her. The most recent example of workplace face-time before this afternoon was the time head bear Pinky made Eleanor cry by being “a bear and not a baby shark”.
However, Matt and Rose are still cautiously optimistic that Mr. Broccoli can pull this career move back on track.
“If she asks him to climb up to the top of the couch, I know he can really shine.” Matt told reporters. “Mr Broccoli’s annual review showed his scampering skills to be—WAIT! ELEANOR! DON’T PUT HIM IN THE GREEN BIN—“
At press time, Mr. Broccoli has been replaced as backup teddy bear by a really promising up-and-comer named “tupperware container missing a lid”.


thebeaverton--2020-03-09--Experts scramble to figure out how global oil price crash the fault of Wet’suwet’en protestors

CALGARY — As oil prices crash 31 % worldwide and the Dow drops more than 2,000 points over Coronavirus fears , oil industry experts are working hard on a way to blame all of this on recent Wet ’ suwet ’ en protests .
“ We feel confident that this worldwide oil crisis , and any decisions it causes us to make about investments in the Alberta oil sector , are definitely the fault of a handful of Indigenous protests , ” explained Russ Haverforth , chair of the Alberta-based think tank Oil-Based Solutions .
“ Until we ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we ’ d appreciate it if all Canadians continued to take our word for it , ” Haverforth added , before returning to the OBS brainstorming session .
Western energy stakeholders are working around the clock to come up with reasons why everything going wrong is because of the railway blockades , and not because of decades of Alberta refusing to diversify its industries away from oil .
Speaking from his government ’ s $ 30-million “ energy war room ” , Alberta premier Jason Kenney was blunt .
“ We haven ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ suwet ’ en managed to travel around the world and crash the global oil markets , ” Kenney mused .
“ But we ’ re confident they did .
Perhaps they ’ re also to blame for the worldwide Coronavirus pandemic ?
That ’ s good , write that down.
” Kenney additionally suggested that the Wet ’ suwet ’ en , as opposed to volatile worldwide oil markets , are to blame for Teck Resources cancelling a $ 20 billion oilsands project .
He then went on to suggest they are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for Brexit , the Mount Merapi volcano eruption , Harry and Meghan leaving the UK , Andrew Scheer stealing that money for his kids private school , and the new James Bond movie getting delayed .
Showing support for efforts to figure out how the Wet ’ suwet ’ en are behind everything , Conservative leadership frontrunner Peter MacKay weighed in .
Reached for comment at a campaign stop , MacKay insisted , “ I ’ m calling on protestors to end the blockades , and also to stop getting Saudi Arabia to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their power over the global economy and improve their position against Iran for who will have the most influence in the Middle East.
” Upon hearing about expert efforts to explain how domestic Indigenous protestors begat the global oil price crash , President Trump joined in tweeting about the issue : At press time the Alberta government has also rejected calls for economic diversification in favour of its new human sacrifice plan .

CALGARY — As oil prices crash 31% worldwide and the Dow drops more than 2,000 points over Coronavirus fears, oil industry experts are working hard on a way to blame all of this on recent Wet’suwet’en protests.
“We feel confident that this worldwide oil crisis, and any decisions it causes us to make about investments in the Alberta oil sector, are definitely the fault of a handful of Indigenous protests,” explained Russ Haverforth, chair of the Alberta-based think tank Oil-Based Solutions.
“Until we’ve worked out exactly how that is, we’d appreciate it if all Canadians continued to take our word for it,” Haverforth added, before returning to the OBS brainstorming session.
Western energy stakeholders are working around the clock to come up with reasons why everything going wrong is because of the railway blockades, and not because of decades of Alberta refusing to diversify its industries away from oil. Speaking from his government’s $30-million “energy war room”, Alberta premier Jason Kenney was blunt.
“We haven’t yet worked out how the Wet’suwet’en managed to travel around the world and crash the global oil markets,” Kenney mused. “But we’re confident they did. Perhaps they’re also to blame for the worldwide Coronavirus pandemic? That’s good, write that down.”
Kenney additionally suggested that the Wet’suwet’en, as opposed to volatile worldwide oil markets, are to blame for Teck Resources cancelling a $20 billion oilsands project. He then went on to suggest they are also “directly, probably responsible” for Brexit, the Mount Merapi volcano eruption, Harry and Meghan leaving the UK, Andrew Scheer stealing that money for his kids private school, and the new James Bond movie getting delayed.
Showing support for efforts to figure out how the Wet’suwet’en are behind everything, Conservative leadership frontrunner Peter MacKay weighed in. Reached for comment at a campaign stop, MacKay insisted, “I’m calling on protestors to end the blockades, and also to stop getting Saudi Arabia to manipulate oil prices in order to exert their power over the global economy and improve their position against Iran for who will have the most influence in the Middle East.”
Upon hearing about expert efforts to explain how domestic Indigenous protestors begat the global oil price crash, President Trump joined in tweeting about the issue:
At press time the Alberta government has also rejected calls for economic diversification in favour of its new human sacrifice plan.


thebeaverton--2020-03-10--Study: Attending Ottawa Senators game best way to isolate self from coronavirus

OTTAWA – For those looking to quarantine themselves from the coronavirus , health officials are recommending attending any Ottawa Senators @ @ @ @ @ or any human contact .
“ Our research that almost all of the seats have @ @ @ @ @ a person since they were installed , ” said Dr. Keith Phillips of the local @ @ @ @ @ study .
“ We couldn ’ t have found a more lonely or remote facility @ @ @ @ @ isolating can relax and enjoy a hockey game no one else is watching.
” While @ @ @ @ @ comply with an order banning game attendance , Sens fans took the initiative to avoid @ @ @ @ @ COVID-19 became a threat to make the Canadian Tire Centre a permanent isolation facility with @ @ @ @ @ Players will feel flattered , but I worry if having someone watch the game will @ @ @ @ @ ” said coach D.J .
Smith .
Meanwhile , Sens players will continue to sit @ @ @ @ @ of the players bench when not on the ice .

OTTAWA – For those looking to quarantine themselves from the coronavirus, health officials are recommending attending any Ottawa Senators home game to escape crowds or any human contact.
“Our research that almost all of the seats have never been in contact with a person since they were installed,” said Dr. Keith Phillips of the local health unit who conducted the study. “We couldn’t have found a more lonely or remote facility. Those who are self isolating can relax and enjoy a hockey game no one else is watching.”
While the San Jose Sharks will comply with an order banning game attendance, Sens fans took the initiative to avoid mass gatherings years before the COVID-19 became a threat to make the Canadian Tire Centre a permanent isolation facility with 18,652 vacant chairs.
“Players will feel flattered, but I worry if having someone watch the game will affect the player performance,” said coach D.J. Smith.
Meanwhile, Sens players will continue to sit in the vacant chairs instead of the players bench when not on the ice.


thebeaverton--2020-03-10--Man spends entire movie thinking about how badly he needs to pee

REGINA – After consuming a large Diet Coke during the commercials , trivia game and previews local man Desmond Mathune spent the entirety of his two hour movie watching experience thinking about how badly he needs to go pee .
“ I ’ ll just go during a boring part , ” said Mathune to himself despite the fact that he has never seen the movie before , and therefore has no idea when a boring part will come up .
“ Oh god dammit , ” he added as the act II climax took place in front of a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ somewhat pressing desire to urinate as the opening titles appeared on screen had , by the end , become so urgent that Mathune could not even tell you any of the character ’ s names , but could tell you exactly how many bathrooms were depicted in the film .
“ I liked it .
The action was good and a bunch of the jokes landed .
What did you think ?
” said Mathune to his girlfriend as he knocked several people over in a mad dash to get to a urinal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s Room Mathune spent about half the movie ’ s run time peeing while letting out a satisfied ‘ ahhhhhhhh .
’

REGINA – After consuming a large Diet Coke during the commercials, trivia game and previews local man Desmond Mathune spent the entirety of his two hour movie watching experience thinking about how badly he needs to go pee.
“I’ll just go during a boring part,” said Mathune to himself despite the fact that he has never seen the movie before, and therefore has no idea when a boring part will come up.
“Oh god dammit,” he added as the act II climax took place in front of a raging waterfall.
What began as a somewhat pressing desire to urinate as the opening titles appeared on screen had, by the end, become so urgent that Mathune could not even tell you any of the character’s names, but could tell you exactly how many bathrooms were depicted in the film.
“I liked it. The action was good and a bunch of the jokes landed. What did you think?” said Mathune to his girlfriend as he knocked several people over in a mad dash to get to a urinal.
Once he finally reached the Men’s Room Mathune spent about half the movie’s run time peeing while letting out a satisfied ‘ahhhhhhhh.’


thebeaverton--2020-03-12--Despite suspended NHL season, Leafs somehow still eliminated from playoffs

TORONTO — With the NHL announcing it will suspend the 2019/20 season due to concerns over the coronavirus pandemic , the League has also announced that the Toronto Maple Leafs have somehow still been eliminated from the playoffs .
“ This shouldn ’ t even be possible , ” explained an incredulous Gary Bettman , NHL Commissioner .
“ Our suspension means the playoffs aren ’ t even going to be played until this fall at the earliest , but somehow it says right here on my desktop screen , ‘ Leafs Eliminated ’ .
” “ How did they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has even finished playing yet , ” pondered the baffled commissioner .
“ It ’ s only on hold !
” Reached for comment , Leafs head coach Sheldon Keefe took the news in stride .
“ Yes , this kind of season elimination is mathematically impossible , but as someone who has watched the Leafs for decades , it feels familiar , ” explained Keefe .
While the Leafs have been eliminated in the past by the Boston Bruins , the Washington Capitals , and the New Jersey Devils , this recent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has been officially eliminated purely by the fact that they are always destined to be so .
“ But in truth , don ’ t the Leafs actually always eliminate themselves every time , ” pondered Keefe as he examined a chart of the merely-postponed 2019/20 season .
Despite the bewildering nature of the Leafs season elimination , Toronto fans have taken the news in stride .
“ Despite the virus shaking up our normal daily routines and activities , it ’ s comforting to see the warm familiarity of the Leafs again @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” said local attorney , Marla Danvers .
“ Makes you realize that things will be back to normal soon enough !
” Similarly , local bike messenger Leo Marksson opined , “ I ’ m just relieved they didn ’ t lose to the Sens.
” In a related story , Leafs fans have continued to purchase every ticket available to the cancelled games .

TORONTO — With the NHL announcing it will suspend the 2019/20 season due to concerns over the coronavirus pandemic, the League has also announced that the Toronto Maple Leafs have somehow still been eliminated from the playoffs.
“This shouldn’t even be possible,” explained an incredulous Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner. “Our suspension means the playoffs aren’t even going to be played until this fall at the earliest, but somehow it says right here on my desktop screen, ‘Leafs Eliminated’.”
“How did they manage to lose a season no one has even finished playing yet,” pondered the baffled commissioner. “It’s only on hold!”
Reached for comment, Leafs head coach Sheldon Keefe took the news in stride. “Yes, this kind of season elimination is mathematically impossible, but as someone who has watched the Leafs for decades, it feels familiar,” explained Keefe.
While the Leafs have been eliminated in the past by the Boston Bruins, the Washington Capitals, and the New Jersey Devils, this recent loss marks the first time the team has been officially eliminated purely by the fact that they are always destined to be so.
“But in truth, don’t the Leafs actually always eliminate themselves every time,” pondered Keefe as he examined a chart of the merely-postponed 2019/20 season.
Despite the bewildering nature of the Leafs season elimination, Toronto fans have taken the news in stride. “Despite the virus shaking up our normal daily routines and activities, it’s comforting to see the warm familiarity of the Leafs again having no chance to win the Cup,” said local attorney, Marla Danvers. “Makes you realize that things will be back to normal soon enough!”
Similarly, local bike messenger Leo Marksson opined, “I’m just relieved they didn’t lose to the Sens.”
In a related story, Leafs fans have continued to purchase every ticket available to the cancelled games.


thebeaverton--2020-03-12--Public health authorities deploy emotionally absent fathers to teach social distancing

WINNIPEG – Health authorities in Canada have deployed hundreds of emotionally absent fathers to teach the public about their techniques in social distancing to help prevent the spread of COVID-19 .
Fathers who have never shown any interest in their children , spouses , or social activities that relate to them will play a critical role instructing millions of Canadians to avoid physical as well as emotional contact .
“ These men are experts at avoiding any kind of hug , ” said Dr. Patricia Guy of a local health unit .
“ They also have the know-how on avoiding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ recitals , hockey games , and graduation ceremonies.
” The patriarchs will instruct members of the public on how to make excuses to avoid interactions such as working constantly even though they may be physically present .
“ Limiting conversations to 30 seconds or less while keeping a distance of 2 meters emotionally from family members will help prevent the spread of coronavirus , ” added Dr .
Guy .
“ Teaching basic anti-communication skills such as not knowing if you ’ re a disappointment can go a long way.
” According to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ statement before retiring to the other room to watch the game .

WINNIPEG – Health authorities in Canada have deployed hundreds of emotionally absent fathers to teach the public about their techniques in social distancing to help prevent the spread of COVID-19.
Fathers who have never shown any interest in their children, spouses, or social activities that relate to them will play a critical role instructing millions of Canadians to avoid physical as well as emotional contact.
“These men are experts at avoiding any kind of hug,” said Dr. Patricia Guy of a local health unit. “They also have the know-how on avoiding mass gatherings like children’s dance recitals, hockey games, and graduation ceremonies.”
The patriarchs will instruct members of the public on how to make excuses to avoid interactions such as working constantly even though they may be physically present.
“Limiting conversations to 30 seconds or less while keeping a distance of 2 meters emotionally from family members will help prevent the spread of coronavirus,” added Dr. Guy. “Teaching basic anti-communication skills such as not knowing if you’re a disappointment can go a long way.”
According to sources, the fathers made a brief statement before retiring to the other room to watch the game.


thebeaverton--2020-03-12--Spring tip: salt your garden to prevent from freezing!

It ’ s never too early to put on a stylish straw hat and get your hands dirty with some backyard gardening !
But how can you protect your plants from the cold icy grip of frost ?
Salt !
That ’ s right , the same stuff your doctor said was causing your hypertension can do miracles for your garden .
I know what you ’ re thinking , ‘ won ’ t the sodium in the salt affect the nitrogen content in my soil ?
’ Well , that just untrue .
Most gardens have too much nitrogen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even out their levels .
That ’ s exactly why fertilizer is 50 % salt , so don ’ t be afraid to really pour it on .
You ’ ll know you ’ re doing it right when a lush and fertile garden emerges from the earth .
So what ’ s the best salt to use ?
Well , there is plenty of debate on the subject and I won ’ t bore you with details but personally , I find road salt has given me the best results .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my garden ’ s soil and gives it a stunning sparkly look in the evening sunset .
On the other hand , my neighbour swears by table salt but she grows begonias , so go figure .
You should stay away from bath salts because they contain perfumes that will damage your garden ’ s natural central nervous system causing ‘ dirt fatigue ’ and who needs that .
If you grow your own vegetables Kosher salt is a great and easy way to pre-season carrots and potatoes that are still in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just thinking about it !
Hauling around all that salt can be difficult and if you have an elderly neighbour try to lend them a hand .
Better yet , just go over to their place in the middle of the night and dump a couple of pounds of salt in their flowerbeds .
They ’ ll be so grateful you did .
So forget about investing in a fancy climate controlled greenhouse and just grab a big old sack of salt , I promise you your plants will never be the same @

It’s never too early to put on a stylish straw hat and get your hands dirty with some backyard gardening! But how can you protect your plants from the cold icy grip of frost?
Salt! That’s right, the same stuff your doctor said was causing your hypertension can do miracles for your garden.
I know what you’re thinking, ‘won’t the sodium in the salt affect the nitrogen content in my soil?’ Well, that just untrue. Most gardens have too much nitrogen and are begging for more sodium to even out their levels. That’s exactly why fertilizer is 50% salt, so don’t be afraid to really pour it on. You’ll know you’re doing it right when a lush and fertile garden emerges from the earth.
So what’s the best salt to use? Well, there is plenty of debate on the subject and I won’t bore you with details but personally, I find road salt has given me the best results. I feel the big chunks mix well with my garden’s soil and gives it a stunning sparkly look in the evening sunset.
On the other hand, my neighbour swears by table salt but she grows begonias, so go figure. You should stay away from bath salts because they contain perfumes that will damage your garden’s natural central nervous system causing ‘dirt fatigue’ and who needs that.
If you grow your own vegetables Kosher salt is a great and easy way to pre-season carrots and potatoes that are still in the ground. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it!
Hauling around all that salt can be difficult and if you have an elderly neighbour try to lend them a hand. Better yet, just go over to their place in the middle of the night and dump a couple of pounds of salt in their flowerbeds. They’ll be so grateful you did.
So forget about investing in a fancy climate controlled greenhouse and just grab a big old sack of salt, I promise you your plants will never be the same!