thebeaverton--2020-05-05--New Twilight novel leads to mass riots as world forced to choose between Edward and Jacob once again

FORKS , WA – Fifteen years after the vampire-romance novel Twilight was published , author Stephanie Meyer has announced that a prequel will be released this August .
The news of the upcoming book , Midnight Sun , has resulted in devastating and catastrophic riots across the world as humanity contends with whether they belong to Team Edward or Team Jacob .
“ I thought this sort of tribalism mentality would have ended in 2012 when the movie adaptation of the second part of the fourth novel was released , ” muttered 24 year-old Harjit Anand while reloading a shotgun @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sisters would never have to endure the brutality that young adult fiction could bring out in people.
” Early reports show that riots have broken out in almost every major city across the globe where the original series was published in 37 different languages .
Many arrests have been made as fist-fights , knife-fights , and gun-fights have erupted between passionate parties along both sides of the heteronormative lines .
“ I met my best friend after the sexy vampire craze had died out , so I literally just found out that she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ allegiance to that were-cuck Jacob Black , ” spat 36 year-old Chelsea Saffitz disdainfully before lighting up a Molotov cocktail .
“ She essentially endorses beastiality !
She couldn ’ t even defend the fact that he just goes and IMPRINTS ON BELLA ’ S NEW BORN DAUGHTER ?
” A group of anti-Edward Cullen fanatics took to the White House to protest the impending novel set entirely from his perspective .
“ To say that the year 2020 has had a rocky start is an understatement , but I draw the line @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of a 119 year-old bloodsucker ” sighed organizer Sophia Regie .
“ At the very least I haven ’ t encountered anyone who ’ s on Team Jasper , because if I did… I would be forced to kill them on sight.
” As of press time , Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson ’ s respective agents were desperately pleading their clients to reunite on the inevitably lucrative film adaptation , while Taylor Lautner ’ s team just exclaimed “ Fuck I knew I forgot about something .
”

FORKS, WA – Fifteen years after the vampire-romance novel Twilight was published, author Stephanie Meyer has announced that a prequel will be released this August. The news of the upcoming book, Midnight Sun, has resulted in devastating and catastrophic riots across the world as humanity contends with whether they belong to Team Edward or Team Jacob.
“I thought this sort of tribalism mentality would have ended in 2012 when the movie adaptation of the second part of the fourth novel was released,” muttered 24 year-old Harjit Anand while reloading a shotgun. “I prayed that my younger sisters would never have to endure the brutality that young adult fiction could bring out in people.”
Early reports show that riots have broken out in almost every major city across the globe where the original series was published in 37 different languages. Many arrests have been made as fist-fights, knife-fights, and gun-fights have erupted between passionate parties along both sides of the heteronormative lines.
“I met my best friend after the sexy vampire craze had died out, so I literally just found out that she’s a cretin who pledges her allegiance to that were-cuck Jacob Black,” spat 36 year-old Chelsea Saffitz disdainfully before lighting up a Molotov cocktail. “She essentially endorses beastiality! She couldn’t even defend the fact that he just goes and IMPRINTS ON BELLA’S NEW BORN DAUGHTER?”
A group of anti-Edward Cullen fanatics took to the White House to protest the impending novel set entirely from his perspective.
“To say that the year 2020 has had a rocky start is an understatement, but I draw the line when it comes to the pedophilic ramblings of a 119 year-old bloodsucker” sighed organizer Sophia Regie. “At the very least I haven’t encountered anyone who’s on Team Jasper, because if I did… I would be forced to kill them on sight.”
As of press time, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson’s respective agents were desperately pleading their clients to reunite on the inevitably lucrative film adaptation, while Taylor Lautner’s team just exclaimed “Fuck I knew I forgot about something.”


thebeaverton--2020-05-06--Man discerns passage of time with ripeness of bananas

LIVING ROOM – As Canada enters its third month of mandatory self isolation , local man , Max Easton , has abandoned all traditional concepts of time and has decided to discern his days using the ripeness of bananas .
“ When self-isolation first began , I tried to keep a routine , ” said Max , who hasn ’ t left the house since early March .
“ But soon the days began to meld together and I found myself asking Alexa ‘ what day is it ?
’ instead of making her say crude things like I used @ @ @ @ @ @ @ according to him , Monday to Sunday no longer exist .
Instead , the seven days of the week have been replaced with stages of banana ripeness : Green , Greenish , Almost Ripe , Ripe , Very Ripe , Gross , and Dumbledore ’ s Hand .
At Dumbledore ’ s Hand , Easton takes his weekly shower .
“ Once the bananas become inedible , I store them in the freezer with the others .
I swear I ’ ll use them to make banana bread…one day… ” Easton also went @ @ @ @ @ @ @ clock is now represented by his cyclical processing of the twelve stages of grief .
“ Normally , there are only seven stages but I discovered more .
So , if you tell me ‘ Drag Race is on Fridays at 8PM ’ that means nothing to me .
Instead , if you say “ Drag Race is on very ripe day at ‘ fuck this , I ’ m going blonde ’ then I know exactly what you ’ re talking about.
” “ At first , I thought he was just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sanchez , over Zoom .
“ We normally schedule daily video calls but then he started setting the date as ‘ two ripe avocados from now ’ and the time as ‘ when the shadow from the table hits the wall.
’ ’ ” As self-isolation measures are anticipated to continue well into the fall and winter months , Max Easton has already adapted his time telling system to accommodate daylight savings .
“ ‘ When the condensation droplet runs down from my glass ’ , it ’ ll be time to spring @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back ‘ once the light finally leaves my eyes .
’ ”

LIVING ROOM – As Canada enters its third month of mandatory self isolation, local man, Max Easton, has abandoned all traditional concepts of time and has decided to discern his days using the ripeness of bananas.
“When self-isolation first began, I tried to keep a routine,” said Max, who hasn’t left the house since early March. “But soon the days began to meld together and I found myself asking Alexa ‘what day is it?’ instead of making her say crude things like I used to do…”
Easton explained that, according to him, Monday to Sunday no longer exist. Instead, the seven days of the week have been replaced with stages of banana ripeness: Green, Greenish, Almost Ripe, Ripe, Very Ripe, Gross, and Dumbledore’s Hand. At Dumbledore’s Hand, Easton takes his weekly shower.
“Once the bananas become inedible, I store them in the freezer with the others. I swear I’ll use them to make banana bread…one day…”
Easton also went on to explain how his twenty-four hour clock is now represented by his cyclical processing of the twelve stages of grief. “Normally, there are only seven stages but I discovered more. So, if you tell me ‘Drag Race is on Fridays at 8PM’ that means nothing to me. Instead, if you say “Drag Race is on very ripe day at ‘fuck this, I’m going blonde’ then I know exactly what you’re talking about.”
“At first, I thought he was just being quirky,” said boyfriend Jamie Sanchez, over Zoom. “We normally schedule daily video calls but then he started setting the date as ‘two ripe avocados from now’ and the time as ‘when the shadow from the table hits the wall.’ ’”
As self-isolation measures are anticipated to continue well into the fall and winter months, Max Easton has already adapted his time telling system to accommodate daylight savings.
“‘When the condensation droplet runs down from my glass’, it’ll be time to spring forward and then we’ll fall back ‘once the light finally leaves my eyes.’ ”


thebeaverton--2020-05-06--Following social distancing rules toughest for Canadians trapped in a human centipede

A CRAZY DOCTOR ’ S LABORATORY – As various levels of government continue to advise Canadians to follow social distancing rules , officials admit that this can be very challenging for some , like people who help care for elderly family members , or people who have been sowed into a human centipede .
“ We want all Canadians to stay about 2 metres apart , ” said Dr. Theresa Tam .
“ But we know that can be hard if you ’ ve had your mouth surgically joined to the anus of another human being in order to create @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you ’ re the middle one it ’ s basically impossible , ” she added .
Health Canada has been trying to figure out modified social distancing techniques for the thousands of people currently ‘ centipeding , ’ including regularly washing their hands and staying at least a hockey stick length from the evil German doctor that did this to you .
“ Obviously I ’ d love to be six feet away from other people .
And not just because of COVID .
It ’ s been AGES since I had a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s not gon na happen is it ?
” said Henry Prince , the head of one centipede .
“ Mmmmmm .
Mmmmmmmm !
!
” said the people behind him in the centipede , presumably in agreement .
But there was some good news .
Quarantine is reportedly going great for the many Canadians currently traversing a seemingly endless series of cubes that move in an unrecognizable pattern .
Although admittedly for them COVID-19 poses less of a danger than the booby traps constantly burning or dicing them .

A CRAZY DOCTOR’S LABORATORY – As various levels of government continue to advise Canadians to follow social distancing rules, officials admit that this can be very challenging for some, like people who help care for elderly family members, or people who have been sowed into a human centipede.
“We want all Canadians to stay about 2 metres apart,” said Dr. Theresa Tam. “But we know that can be hard if you’ve had your mouth surgically joined to the anus of another human being in order to create one long digestive system.”
“If you’re the middle one it’s basically impossible,” she added.
Health Canada has been trying to figure out modified social distancing techniques for the thousands of people currently ‘centipeding,’ including regularly washing their hands and staying at least a hockey stick length from the evil German doctor that did this to you.
“Obviously I’d love to be six feet away from other people. And not just because of COVID. It’s been AGES since I had a little alone time. But it’s not gonna happen is it?” said Henry Prince, the head of one centipede.
“Mmmmmm. Mmmmmmmm!!” said the people behind him in the centipede, presumably in agreement.
But there was some good news. Quarantine is reportedly going great for the many Canadians currently traversing a seemingly endless series of cubes that move in an unrecognizable pattern. Although admittedly for them COVID-19 poses less of a danger than the booby traps constantly burning or dicing them.


thebeaverton--2020-05-07--Toronto vows to continue gentrification with or without the help of Sidewalk Labs

TORONTO – Citing economic uncertainty , Google affiliate company Sidewalk Labs announced that it is abandoning plans to build a high-tech neighbourhood on the city ’ s waterfront .
However , the City of Toronto is assuring residents that it will proceed with the gentrification of the city at any cost .
Per Sidewalk Labs ’ 482 page manifesto released last November , the Quayside project was supposed to convert 12-acres of land into innumerable hot yoga studios and dog-grooming salons .
The invaluable amenities were set to be monitored by mass sensors and devices .
“ Normally , we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of this city to the highest bidder , no questions asked , ” said Mayor John Tory in a press statement .
“ But now that Google ’ s Sidewalk Labs is stepping down from the project , we are excited by the prospect of using Canadian architects and engineers to deprive Toronto of the last little bit of originality and soul it has left.
” The mayor went on to say , “ We no longer have to rely on another country to violate the civil and digital rights of our constituents @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our citizens ’ every move , we will be able to build a ‘ smart-city ’ from the dregs of this ‘ dumb-city.
’ We can even use that mass data to configure the optimal locations for the fusion gastro-pubs !
” “ If that means we have to displace thousands of people in order to create a dystopian technological test-bed using human lives , so be it.
” Sidewalk Labs CEO Dan Doctoroff explained the company ’ s decision to abandon the project is unfortunate considering the incredible bargain they would be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the Canadian dollar .
“ We were so excited to break ground on an already pretty gentrified city , and use our tech to implement super-gentrification .
We had plans to replace the micro-condos with nano-condos .
Cold brew cafes would only be allowed to serve absolute zero brew , ” wrote Doctoroff in an email .
“ It was a beautiful , generic dream.
” “ Unfortunately , the longer Quayside was stalled by the COVID-19 pandemic and the meddling of ‘ concerned citizens , ’ the more time it would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ legislation to protect the privacy of individuals – and frankly that ’ s a risk that our shareholders in California did not sign off on.
” Many homegrown companies are scrambling to assemble presentations in order to secure the newly available waterfront property .
Several of the pitches heard by the Toronto City Council are vowing to maintain Sidewalk Labs initial guarantee to “ collect data from a specific group of affluent , white , and most importantly , marketable young-professionals.
” While the original project promised to provide better transportation within the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to take into account the existence of the TTC .

TORONTO – Citing economic uncertainty, Google affiliate company Sidewalk Labs announced that it is abandoning plans to build a high-tech neighbourhood on the city’s waterfront. However, the City of Toronto is assuring residents that it will proceed with the gentrification of the city at any cost.
Per Sidewalk Labs’ 482 page manifesto released last November, the Quayside project was supposed to convert 12-acres of land into innumerable hot yoga studios and dog-grooming salons. The invaluable amenities were set to be monitored by mass sensors and devices.
“Normally, we would promise to sell off any part of this city to the highest bidder, no questions asked,” said Mayor John Tory in a press statement. “But now that Google’s Sidewalk Labs is stepping down from the project, we are excited by the prospect of using Canadian architects and engineers to deprive Toronto of the last little bit of originality and soul it has left.”
The mayor went on to say, “We no longer have to rely on another country to violate the civil and digital rights of our constituents. By creating a panopticon that follows our citizens’ every move, we will be able to build a ‘smart-city’ from the dregs of this ‘dumb-city.’ We can even use that mass data to configure the optimal locations for the fusion gastro-pubs!”
“If that means we have to displace thousands of people in order to create a dystopian technological test-bed using human lives, so be it.”
Sidewalk Labs CEO Dan Doctoroff explained the company’s decision to abandon the project is unfortunate considering the incredible bargain they would be forgoing due to the abysmally low value of the Canadian dollar.
“We were so excited to break ground on an already pretty gentrified city, and use our tech to implement super-gentrification. We had plans to replace the micro-condos with nano-condos. Cold brew cafes would only be allowed to serve absolute zero brew,” wrote Doctoroff in an email. “It was a beautiful, generic dream.”
“Unfortunately, the longer Quayside was stalled by the COVID-19 pandemic and the meddling of ‘concerned citizens,’ the more time it would allow the Canadian government to create adequate legislation to protect the privacy of individuals – and frankly that’s a risk that our shareholders in California did not sign off on.”
Many homegrown companies are scrambling to assemble presentations in order to secure the newly available waterfront property. Several of the pitches heard by the Toronto City Council are vowing to maintain Sidewalk Labs initial guarantee to “collect data from a specific group of affluent, white, and most importantly, marketable young-professionals.”
While the original project promised to provide better transportation within the neighbourhood, all new proposals are expected to take into account the existence of the TTC.


thebeaverton--2020-05-07--But if you take away my assault weapons, I’m just a regular man with hundreds of small guns

Not-my-Prime-Minister Justin Trudeau announced last week that Canada would be banning assault weapons , and I , for one , am P ’ d the F OFF .
By doing this , JUSTIN has robbed me of my cultural identity .
I am a mere shell of the man I once was , with nothing but memories and hundreds of littler guns to my name .
This blanket policy is disrespectful to responsible gun owners like myself .
As a gun enthusiast , I know the name , location , and safe carry practices for all 337 registered firearms on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ practical use : I hunt with my Remington 700 to supplement my family ’ s food intake .
I carry a sidearm in case some maniac goes off at the Costco , and a backup in case the first sidearm runs out of bullets , or if there is more than one maniac at the Costco .
In that instance , I would hold my Beretta Nano in one hand and my Sig P238 in the other , and I would spin around and shoot them real fast like in the Matrix , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ And while the Mossberg 500 on my back is always locked and loaded , it ’ s just for aesthetics .
You got ta look good to feel good !
Which leads me to my most important guns : all 98 of my assault weapons .
Anyone who says you don ’ t “ need ” an AR-15 has clearly never hunted the most dangerous game , which is a phrase I made up to describe the bears that eat my trash .
The Doritos have made them dumb , thick , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ weapon to protect myself from them .
And before you ask about bear mace , we found out the hard way that my wife is allergic , so we can ’ t keep it in the house .
My only option here is an AR-15 , preferably with a bump stock that enables me to shoot 600 rounds per minute .
It ’ s the only way the bears will respect me .
And what about self-defence ?
You ever stop a home invasion with only a Glock 26 and a 357 Magnum @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a toddler or a large dog , but an adult man needs some heft behind him .
In my experience , the man dressed as a garbage collector attempting to steal the rusted-out air conditioner off of your front lawn will just laugh at you and keep going .
Plus I just bought 1500 rounds of 5.56 ammo .
I suppose Justin ’ s gon na “ ” ” BUY ” ” ” ( steal ! )
that back too , along with my AR-15 , my Aero Precision G-15 Ghost , AND @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you have deep pockets , pal .
You ’ re not gon na be able to buy these for cheap out of some shmuck ’ s trunk like I did at the Gun Show last year .
Justin , please .
I need these guns in my life .
If not for the practical reasons I clearly outlined above , then for my masculine fantasies .
Just as you probably have fantasies about wearing nerd sweatervests and getting cucked by your hot wife , I have fantasies about living in a safer world @ @ @ @ @ @ @ teeth with one twitchy finger lingering sensuously on a trigger .
It ’ s the Canadian dream , and until now , I ’ ve been living it .
Please don ’ t take that feeling away from people like me .
Shit , wait , sorry .
I actually have 338 guns .
Anyway , you get my point .
My guns , cold dead hands , etc .
Now , where the heck did I leave the Uzi ?

By Bobby Stonehouse
Not-my-Prime-Minister Justin Trudeau announced last week that Canada would be banning assault weapons, and I, for one, am P’d the F OFF. By doing this, JUSTIN has robbed me of my cultural identity. I am a mere shell of the man I once was, with nothing but memories and hundreds of littler guns to my name.
This blanket policy is disrespectful to responsible gun owners like myself. As a gun enthusiast, I know the name, location, and safe carry practices for all 337 registered firearms on my premises. Each one has a practical use: I hunt with my Remington 700 to supplement my family’s food intake. I carry a sidearm in case some maniac goes off at the Costco, and a backup in case the first sidearm runs out of bullets, or if there is more than one maniac at the Costco. In that instance, I would hold my Beretta Nano in one hand and my Sig P238 in the other, and I would spin around and shoot them real fast like in the Matrix, and it would save the day. And while the Mossberg 500 on my back is always locked and loaded, it’s just for aesthetics. You gotta look good to feel good!
Which leads me to my most important guns: all 98 of my assault weapons. Anyone who says you don’t “need” an AR-15 has clearly never hunted the most dangerous game, which is a phrase I made up to describe the bears that eat my trash. The Doritos have made them dumb, thick, and strong, and I need a military-grade weapon to protect myself from them. And before you ask about bear mace, we found out the hard way that my wife is allergic, so we can’t keep it in the house. My only option here is an AR-15, preferably with a bump stock that enables me to shoot 600 rounds per minute. It’s the only way the bears will respect me.
And what about self-defence? You ever stop a home invasion with only a Glock 26 and a 357 Magnum? That might be enough firepower for a toddler or a large dog, but an adult man needs some heft behind him. In my experience, the man dressed as a garbage collector attempting to steal the rusted-out air conditioner off of your front lawn will just laugh at you and keep going.
Plus I just bought 1500 rounds of 5.56 ammo. I suppose Justin’s gonna “””BUY””” (steal!) that back too, along with my AR-15, my Aero Precision G-15 Ghost, AND my Colt M4 Carbine? I hope you have deep pockets, pal. You’re not gonna be able to buy these for cheap out of some shmuck’s trunk like I did at the Gun Show last year.
Justin, please. I need these guns in my life. If not for the practical reasons I clearly outlined above, then for my masculine fantasies. Just as you probably have fantasies about wearing nerd sweatervests and getting cucked by your hot wife, I have fantasies about living in a safer world, where everyone is armed to the teeth with one twitchy finger lingering sensuously on a trigger. It’s the Canadian dream, and until now, I’ve been living it. Please don’t take that feeling away from people like me.
Shit, wait, sorry. I actually have 338 guns. Anyway, you get my point. My guns, cold dead hands, etc. Now, where the heck did I leave the Uzi?


thebeaverton--2020-05-07--Housemate sure picked hell of a time to get back into Ska

SUDBURY — Amidst a global pandemic and strict social distancing rules that require Canadians to stay at home unless absolutely necessary , local housemate Mark Thomson has sure picked a hell of a time to get back into ska .
“ In this period of social upheaval and widespread trauma , I think it ’ s really special that we can all turn to the music of the 90s Third Wave Ska Revival , ” said Thomson of his reinvigorated passion for the maddeningly upbeat music genre characterized by a walking bass line , large horn sections and something called @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tough , I truly believe we can all pull together to pick it up ” Following a wave of depression and anxiety , Thomson bounced back with the discovery of his old college ska CDs and has been loudly playing his favourite bands nonstop while dressed in Vans , pork pie hat and a checkered n95 face mask .
“ It can be 2 Tone , ska-punk , or even raw spouge .
I ’ m just feeling the vibe , ” he explained of the pounding music he ’ s hoping will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s inescapable ” .
Despite the upbeat tones of Save Ferris , Skankin ’ Pickle and the Cherry Poppin ’ Daddies , tensions have remained high .
Housemate Maggie Parsons has started applying for jobs on the front line of the pandemic so she can get out of the house , and other housemate Robin Delgado is ready to make a break for it .
“ I think it ’ s time to break quarantine , ” said Delgado when reached for comment , “ I and many other people might @ @ @ @ @ @ @ risk we have to take ” .
“ Did you know that Sublime had more than just those two songs ?
Because I sure do now ” .
In an effort to share his passion with the world , Thomson has reestablished contact with fellow rude boys from college to record music together online .
The band , dubbed the Quaran-Tones , is set to stream a virtual benefit concert alongside fellow bands The Ska-cial Distancers and Co-Horn-avirus .

SUDBURY — Amidst a global pandemic and strict social distancing rules that require Canadians to stay at home unless absolutely necessary, local housemate Mark Thomson has sure picked a hell of a time to get back into ska.
“In this period of social upheaval and widespread trauma, I think it’s really special that we can all turn to the music of the 90s Third Wave Ska Revival,” said Thomson of his reinvigorated passion for the maddeningly upbeat music genre characterized by a walking bass line, large horn sections and something called skanking, “Even though things are tough, I truly believe we can all pull together to pick it up”
Following a wave of depression and anxiety, Thomson bounced back with the discovery of his old college ska CDs and has been loudly playing his favourite bands nonstop while dressed in Vans, pork pie hat and a checkered n95 face mask.
“It can be 2 Tone, ska-punk, or even raw spouge. I’m just feeling the vibe,” he explained of the pounding music he’s hoping will lift morale around the house, “It’s inescapable”.
Despite the upbeat tones of Save Ferris, Skankin’ Pickle and the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, tensions have remained high. Housemate Maggie Parsons has started applying for jobs on the front line of the pandemic so she can get out of the house, and other housemate Robin Delgado is ready to make a break for it.
“I think it’s time to break quarantine,” said Delgado when reached for comment, “I and many other people might die, but it’s a risk we have to take”.
“Did you know that Sublime had more than just those two songs? Because I sure do now”.
In an effort to share his passion with the world, Thomson has reestablished contact with fellow rude boys from college to record music together online. The band, dubbed the Quaran-Tones, is set to stream a virtual benefit concert alongside fellow bands The Ska-cial Distancers and Co-Horn-avirus.


thebeaverton--2020-05-08--Local man tries to think of chill excuse to buy erotic books at yard sale

WINNIPEG – This week , local bargain-hunter Darryl Smith failed to come up with a convincing excuse to buy several volumes of erotic literature at a garage sale .
Expecting to find an old copy of ‘ Catcher in the Rye , ’ or at best a stash of ‘ For Dummies ’ manuals , Smith was shocked to discover a healthy collection of titillating tomes titled “ Sexy Jazz Stories , ” “ Almanac of Stiff Drinks , ” and a coffee table book titled “ Kama Sutra for Web Critics.
” “ It was the mother lode , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ As an artisanal horndog , I ’ m always on the lookout for non-internet porn .
But I didn ’ t want to come off as a creep , just buying up a dozen sexy books.
” Smith wracked his brain to think up a good reason to purchase the sexual content , but had serious trouble .
“ I figured I could claim to be a sex professor , but I was wearing a Young Sheldon T-shirt , so I knew they ’ d realize I hadn ’ t gone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t say it was for my girlfriend , because I already asked if they had any Jordan Peterson books.
” At an impasse , Smith considered camouflaging the erotica purchase with other miscellaneous items , but discovered he only had spare change on hand .
“ You can only buy so many old Ninja Turtle toys and friendship bracelets with three bucks , ” said Smith .
“ And then we ’ ve lost sight of the erotica.
” Smith retreated from the yard sale with only a battered copy of ‘ No @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that a decades-old examination of corporate branding might do something downstairs .
“ I like smart women , so who knows… ” said Smith .

WINNIPEG – This week, local bargain-hunter Darryl Smith failed to come up with a convincing excuse to buy several volumes of erotic literature at a garage sale.
Expecting to find an old copy of ‘Catcher in the Rye,’ or at best a stash of ‘For Dummies’ manuals, Smith was shocked to discover a healthy collection of titillating tomes titled “Sexy Jazz Stories,” “Almanac of Stiff Drinks,” and a coffee table book titled “Kama Sutra for Web Critics.”
“It was the mother lode, double entendre intended,” said Smith. “As an artisanal horndog, I’m always on the lookout for non-internet porn. But I didn’t want to come off as a creep, just buying up a dozen sexy books.”
Smith wracked his brain to think up a good reason to purchase the sexual content, but had serious trouble. “I figured I could claim to be a sex professor, but I was wearing a Young Sheldon T-shirt, so I knew they’d realize I hadn’t gone to university. And I couldn’t say it was for my girlfriend, because I already asked if they had any Jordan Peterson books.”
At an impasse, Smith considered camouflaging the erotica purchase with other miscellaneous items, but discovered he only had spare change on hand. “You can only buy so many old Ninja Turtle toys and friendship bracelets with three bucks,” said Smith. “And then we’ve lost sight of the erotica.”
Smith retreated from the yard sale with only a battered copy of ‘No Logo’ by Naomi Klein, hoping that a decades-old examination of corporate branding might do something downstairs.
“I like smart women, so who knows…” said Smith.


thebeaverton--2020-05-08--Recently fired man sadly leaves home office

VICTORIA , BC – Following his termination from his project manager job at which he has been working remotely , local man Corey Nielson is reportedly beginning the joyless task of clearing the desk in his home office .
“ I knew I was getting the axe when the boss asked if we could Skype in private ” Nielson said , glumly taking down his motivational cat poster .
“ I tried to keep it together , but I have to admit , I may have caused a bit of a scene .
I really regret that , especially since @ @ @ @ @ @ @ clean it up later.
” “ I bet that snake Johnson is already calling dibs on my corner video chat window !
At least I don ’ t have to take that god awful commute down the stairs anymore .
I just hope they treat the next guy who sits in that chair better than they ’ re treating me .
When questioned about his firing , Nielson ’ s supervisor claims it was a long time coming .
“ The economy gave us the perfect excuse to get rid of him ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I think he might have been stealing office supplies .
I swear that pencil sharpener on his desk is the same one that used to be in his cubicle.
” After a few awkward goodbyes with his co-workers and dog , Nielson was escorted out of the premises once security joined the video call , swearing that he would be back someday .
Nielson is allegedly planning to use his unemployment as a chance to spend even more time with his family against their behest .
At press time , Nielson @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of his former workplace while waiting for a cab to the living room .

VICTORIA, BC – Following his termination from his project manager job at which he has been working remotely, local man Corey Nielson is reportedly beginning the joyless task of clearing the desk in his home office.
“I knew I was getting the axe when the boss asked if we could Skype in private” Nielson said, glumly taking down his motivational cat poster. “I tried to keep it together, but I have to admit, I may have caused a bit of a scene. I really regret that, especially since my wife is going to make me clean it up later.”
“I bet that snake Johnson is already calling dibs on my corner video chat window! At least I don’t have to take that god awful commute down the stairs anymore. I just hope they treat the next guy who sits in that chair better than they’re treating me.
When questioned about his firing, Nielson’s supervisor claims it was a long time coming. “The economy gave us the perfect excuse to get rid of him” Said VP of Product Development Anne Saunders. “I think he might have been stealing office supplies. I swear that pencil sharpener on his desk is the same one that used to be in his cubicle.”
After a few awkward goodbyes with his co-workers and dog, Nielson was escorted out of the premises once security joined the video call, swearing that he would be back someday.
Nielson is allegedly planning to use his unemployment as a chance to spend even more time with his family against their behest. At press time, Nielson was sitting in the hallway in front of his former workplace while waiting for a cab to the living room.


thebeaverton--2020-05-08--Corporations accused of price gouging Northern Communities during the pandemic and also a long time

Corporations accused of price gouging Northern Communities during the pandemic and also a long time before the pandemic

WHITEHORSE – In the midst of heightened demand during the pandemic some corporations have come under fire for artificially increasing prices , a practice which many spent years perfecting in Northern Canada .
“ It ’ s outrageous that they ’ ve raised the price of ketchup during a pandemic to 15 bucks , which they first did back in 2013″ said resident Gary Oshutapik .
“ Having food costs sky rocket is really hard during this time of economic uncertainty .
But it ’ s also hard during times of economic certainty.
” As a result of the pandemic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from ‘ can ’ t possibly afford to ’ to ‘ we actually just laughed at the idea of spending this much on tuna ’ .
But grocers have promised that once the pandemic ends they will go back to regular price gouging “ We weren ’ t sure we ’ d be able to manage price gouging during a pandemic , but then we remembered we ’ ve been doing it for decades and are really good at it.
” stated Loblaws spokesperson Tricia Echolls .
“ But we couldn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ politicians and the rest of the Canadian population .
When it comes to northern price gouging , we really are # inthistogether.
” The federal government has stepped in , saying they will act on predatory pricing , just as soon as they put in multiple protections for those who own investment properties in big cities .

WHITEHORSE – In the midst of heightened demand during the pandemic some corporations have come under fire for artificially increasing prices, a practice which many spent years perfecting in Northern Canada.
“It’s outrageous that they’ve raised the price of ketchup during a pandemic to 15 bucks, which they first did back in 2013″ said resident Gary Oshutapik. “Having food costs sky rocket is really hard during this time of economic uncertainty. But it’s also hard during times of economic certainty.”
As a result of the pandemic food prices in the north have skyrocketed from ‘can’t possibly afford to’ to ‘we actually just laughed at the idea of spending this much on tuna’. But grocers have promised that once the pandemic ends they will go back to regular price gouging
“We weren’t sure we’d be able to manage price gouging during a pandemic, but then we remembered we’ve been doing it for decades and are really good at it.” stated Loblaws spokesperson Tricia Echolls. “But we couldn’t do it without the complete apathy of politicians and the rest of the Canadian population. When it comes to northern price gouging, we really are #inthistogether.”
The federal government has stepped in, saying they will act on predatory pricing, just as soon as they put in multiple protections for those who own investment properties in big cities.


thebeaverton--2020-05-08--Desperate TSN programmer just gonna start airing his high school hockey games

TORONTO – James Brennan , head of programming for TSN , is so desperate for some kind of sport to show the nation that he is just going to start playing full games of his high school hockey team , the Glendale Tigers .
“ It ’ s from 1993 so the footage is pretty grainy , and my mom ’ s camerawork is not great , ” said Brennan .
“ But it meets the only requirement I have right now : something that is technically a sport.
” “ Oh look , there ’ s my coach picking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” he added .
Since COVID-19 shut down live sports , TSN and Sportsnet have scrambled to find content to fill their approximately 75 channels .
But they soon ran out of ‘ classic ’ Canadian sporting moments to watch , like the Raptors 2019 championship run or that time the Leafs didn ’ t suck quite so bad as they usually do .
“ It ’ s been tough .
Right now TSN 1 is showing ‘ 50 best plays from the 2006 National Lacrosse League , ’ TSN 2 is airing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and TSN 3 has a documentary on gardening .
I don ’ t even want to know what ’ s going on TSN 4 .
It ’ s probably just porn at this point , ” said Brennan .
But Brennan is confident Canadian viewers will be enthralled by his team ’ s fierce competition and willingness to play even when Steve ’ s mom forgot the orange slices .
Though he won ’ t spoil the ending of whether the team really does win the Under-16 bronze medal game , he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ blow the doors ” off Kawhi Leonard ’ s buzzer beater in game 7 .
In related news the programmers at HGTV were hoping no one notices they ’ re airing a repeat episode of Love It Or List It , and have been since 2010 .

TORONTO – James Brennan, head of programming for TSN, is so desperate for some kind of sport to show the nation that he is just going to start playing full games of his high school hockey team, the Glendale Tigers.
“It’s from 1993 so the footage is pretty grainy, and my mom’s camerawork is not great,” said Brennan. “But it meets the only requirement I have right now: something that is technically a sport.”
“Oh look, there’s my coach picking his nose for 5 minutes straight,” he added.
Since COVID-19 shut down live sports, TSN and Sportsnet have scrambled to find content to fill their approximately 75 channels. But they soon ran out of ‘classic’ Canadian sporting moments to watch, like the Raptors 2019 championship run or that time the Leafs didn’t suck quite so bad as they usually do.
“It’s been tough. Right now TSN 1 is showing ‘50 best plays from the 2006 National Lacrosse League,’ TSN 2 is airing Rudy on a loop for 24 hours, and TSN 3 has a documentary on gardening. I don’t even want to know what’s going on TSN 4. It’s probably just porn at this point,” said Brennan.
But Brennan is confident Canadian viewers will be enthralled by his team’s fierce competition and willingness to play even when Steve’s mom forgot the orange slices. Though he won’t spoil the ending of whether the team really does win the Under-16 bronze medal game, he did say that the end would “blow the doors” off Kawhi Leonard’s buzzer beater in game 7.
In related news the programmers at HGTV were hoping no one notices they’re airing a repeat episode of Love It Or List It, and have been since 2010.


thebeaverton--2020-05-09--Justice Department decides doing a crime that you did doesn’t mean you did the crime that you defini

Justice Department decides doing a crime that you did doesn’t mean you did the crime that you definitely did

WASHINGTON , D.C. – The United States Department of Justice has withdrawn charges against Donald Trump ’ s former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn .
DOJ prosecutors had previously determined that Flynn lied to the FBI during their 2017 investigation into his dealings with Russia because all of the evidence showed that he did that .
The move comes 29 months after Flynn confessed to the crime before a federal judge , 17 months after he confessed again to a different judge , and 3 months after he wrote an op-ed in the New York Times , “ What Is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about My Confession ?
” Although a federal judge must approve the request , Flynn has the support of Attorney General William Barr , who is reportedly penning a book about the case entitled Everybody ’ s Innocent of Something .
“ A great injustice has been undone today , ” Barr told assembled press after announcing the dropped charges .
“ Michael Flynn did absolutely nothing illegal , despite what the former Attorney General , two judges , numerous federal prosecutors , the Special Counsel , the Inspector General , thousands of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s lawyers , and Michael Flynn want you to think.
” Barr ’ s reasoning for reversing course on criminal charges the DOJ has been pursuing for two years — that Flynn ’ s lies did not impact the investigation — falls under the My Cousin Vinny legal precedent , in which the defendant is saved by a plucky attorney who doesn ’ t understand how laws actually work , rather than A Few Good Men rules , in which the person that admits guilt to the judge is immediately arrested and held @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to .
In related news , the DOJ has mounted a rebranding effort to distance itself from its reputation for absolute integrity , permanently changing its name to the “ United States Department of Justice ¯\_ ( ツ ) _/¯ .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States Department of Justice has withdrawn charges against Donald Trump’s former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn. DOJ prosecutors had previously determined that Flynn lied to the FBI during their 2017 investigation into his dealings with Russia because all of the evidence showed that he did that.
The move comes 29 months after Flynn confessed to the crime before a federal judge, 17 months after he confessed again to a different judge, and 3 months after he wrote an op-ed in the New York Times, “What Is It You People Don’t Understand about My Confession?”
Although a federal judge must approve the request, Flynn has the support of Attorney General William Barr, who is reportedly penning a book about the case entitled Everybody’s Innocent of Something.
“A great injustice has been undone today,” Barr told assembled press after announcing the dropped charges. “Michael Flynn did absolutely nothing illegal, despite what the former Attorney General, two judges, numerous federal prosecutors, the Special Counsel, the Inspector General, thousands of pages of evidence, Michael Flynn’s lawyers, and Michael Flynn want you to think.”
Barr’s reasoning for reversing course on criminal charges the DOJ has been pursuing for two years — that Flynn’s lies did not impact the investigation — falls under the My Cousin Vinny legal precedent, in which the defendant is saved by a plucky attorney who doesn’t understand how laws actually work, rather than A Few Good Men rules, in which the person that admits guilt to the judge is immediately arrested and held responsible for the crimes they just confessed to.
In related news, the DOJ has mounted a rebranding effort to distance itself from its reputation for absolute integrity, permanently changing its name to the “United States Department of Justice ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.”


thebeaverton--2020-05-10--Visiting kids excited to give mom the gift of coronavirus

HAMILTON – Many adult kids blowing off social distancing for Mother ’ s Day are looking forward to repaying their mothers for 18 years of love and financial support with a potentially deadly disease .
Local daughter Anna Garcia is eager to share the gift of Covid-19 with her mom , and 134 of her closest neighbours , and their neighbours , and their neighbours ’ neighbours .
“ It ’ s the gift that keeps on giving ” .
Anna , whose mother lives in a small town currently reporting 0 cases , says the option of staying home @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to do laundry at her parents ’ house .
Anna ’ s mom Rosemary Garcia is thrilled her daughter is willing to risk her life for home-cooked blueberry muffins , and adds that possibly dying will be worth it for the chance to make suggestions to Anna about how she should do her hair .
Anna ’ s brother Gregory , a notorious face-toucher , is also visiting for the weekend , but is confident he can avoid infecting his mother by giving her very quick hugs and breathing through his mouth .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ straight here from my place and didn ’ t stop , even to pick up food .
So I guess mom will just have to cook for me.
” On the scale of all her Mothers ’ Day gifts , Rosemary says she would rate covid-19 below 2009 ’ s Mamma Mia DVD , but slightly better than 1995 ’ s macaroni art .

HAMILTON – Many adult kids blowing off social distancing for Mother’s Day are looking forward to repaying their mothers for 18 years of love and financial support with a potentially deadly disease.
Local daughter Anna Garcia is eager to share the gift of Covid-19 with her mom, and 134 of her closest neighbours, and their neighbours, and their neighbours’ neighbours. “It’s the gift that keeps on giving”.
Anna, whose mother lives in a small town currently reporting 0 cases, says the option of staying home was off the table because she needs to do laundry at her parents’ house.
Anna’s mom Rosemary Garcia is thrilled her daughter is willing to risk her life for home-cooked blueberry muffins, and adds that possibly dying will be worth it for the chance to make suggestions to Anna about how she should do her hair.
Anna’s brother Gregory, a notorious face-toucher, is also visiting for the weekend, but is confident he can avoid infecting his mother by giving her very quick hugs and breathing through his mouth. “But to be safe I drove straight here from my place and didn’t stop, even to pick up food. So I guess mom will just have to cook for me.”
On the scale of all her Mothers’ Day gifts, Rosemary says she would rate covid-19 below 2009’s Mamma Mia DVD, but slightly better than 1995’s macaroni art.


thebeaverton--2020-05-10--Report: Nothing accomplished in Zoom meetings as everyone distracted checking themselves out

TORONTO , ONT .
– According to a new report published in Business Quarterly magazine , a significant majority of Canadian workplaces confirm that Zoom meetings are increasingly unproductive as employees are too distracted checking themselves out to actually participate .
“ We were having a meeting about how profits have drastically gone down .
No , we were definitely talking about company wide lay-offs .
Maybe it was just our weekly check-in ?
Regardless , I needed to make sure my lighting was flattering for the entire call .
That meant looking at myself only and adjusting my camera @ @ @ @ @ @ @ explained Elyse Bierman , of her most recent Zoom meeting .
Bierman isn ’ t the only one catering to her imaginary audience during the COVID-19 pandemic .
Many employees across Canada , now required to attend meetings on the largely unsecure network , find themselves having to choose between actually participating in meetings , or making sure they still look hot on camera .
“ I gave myself a bad at-home haircut , but you can ’ t tell as long as I ’ m showing my right-side profile at a 37 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to strategise new revenue streams , but it ’ s also important everyone knows I ’ m still the most attractive person in the office ” said Trevor Keough , one of the survey participants .
Other reasons survey participants gave for checking-out of their Zoom meetings include : wondering if their dead plants and broken blinds are visible on camera , thinking of ways they would renovate their colleagues kitchen , and generally not wanting to listen to Steve from accounting anymore .
When one regional manager was approached for comment , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ adapted to working from home , except for Zoom meetings .
At first , I assumed everyone was silent because they forgot to unmute themselves but it ’ s a far dumber excuse than that ” she further commented , adjusting her lipstick via her video feedback image .
“ What , you never know when a cute hacker might join in on the call.
” The same regional manager confirmed that by the end of the Zoom call , a hacker successfully infiltrated the meeting and has since been hired due to @ @ @ @ @ @ @

TORONTO, ONT. – According to a new report published in Business Quarterly magazine, a significant majority of Canadian workplaces confirm that Zoom meetings are increasingly unproductive as employees are too distracted checking themselves out to actually participate.
“We were having a meeting about how profits have drastically gone down. No, we were definitely talking about company wide lay-offs. Maybe it was just our weekly check-in? Regardless, I needed to make sure my lighting was flattering for the entire call. That meant looking at myself only and adjusting my camera for the entire one-hour call,” explained Elyse Bierman, of her most recent Zoom meeting.
Bierman isn’t the only one catering to her imaginary audience during the COVID-19 pandemic. Many employees across Canada, now required to attend meetings on the largely unsecure network, find themselves having to choose between actually participating in meetings, or making sure they still look hot on camera.
“I gave myself a bad at-home haircut, but you can’t tell as long as I’m showing my right-side profile at a 37 degree angle. I get we need to strategise new revenue streams, but it’s also important everyone knows I’m still the most attractive person in the office” said Trevor Keough, one of the survey participants.
Other reasons survey participants gave for checking-out of their Zoom meetings include: wondering if their dead plants and broken blinds are visible on camera, thinking of ways they would renovate their colleagues kitchen, and generally not wanting to listen to Steve from accounting anymore.
When one regional manager was approached for comment, she said “We’ve mostly adapted to working from home, except for Zoom meetings. At first, I assumed everyone was silent because they forgot to unmute themselves but it’s a far dumber excuse than that” she further commented, adjusting her lipstick via her video feedback image. “What, you never know when a cute hacker might join in on the call.”
The same regional manager confirmed that by the end of the Zoom call, a hacker successfully infiltrated the meeting and has since been hired due to his meaningful contribution to the conversation.


thebeaverton--2020-05-11--Caroline In The City cast reunites for pandemic episode for some reason

HOLLYWOOD — As people across the world continue to self-quarantine during the COVID-19 crisis , the cast of mid-90s NBC sitcom Caroline In The City will reunite for a one-time pandemic-themed episode , though absolutely no one has any idea why .
“ When ( series creator ) Fred ( Barron ) called me and suggested we reunite the cast for this charity special , I said ‘ I suppose that ’ s a thing that could exist ’ , ” explained Lea Thompson , from her home in Beverly Hills .
Thompson played the titular cartoonist Caroline Duffy on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ seasons despite most people these days only being vaguely certain that it was about a “ lady in a city ” or possibly “ a girl who was also a cartoon character ” .
“ Frankly not a single soul had mentioned the show to me in at least the past decade , positively or otherwise , ” Thompson added .
“ Still , I suppose it ’ s theoretically possible that a reunion could bring some kind of hope to some people somewhere during these trying times.
” “ At the very @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bring them less hope , ” shrugged Thompson , as she read the show ’ s wikipedia entry to refresh her memory on the general premise and gist of the characters .
Following the success of last month ’ s Parks & Recreation pandemic episode , as well as recently announced reunions for cult hits Community and Happy Endings , the cast of Caroline In The City was “ admittedly confused ” as to why anyone would want to revisit their show .
“ I mean , we were considered ‘ Must See @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” explained series regular Malcolm Gets “ though , in fairness , we were just programmed right after Friends and Seinfeld .
Still , it could very well be interesting to see what my character is doing in the year 2020 , and how he is reacting to the coronavirus pandemic.
” “ Or not .
Still , nothing is exactly stopping us , per se , ” Gets concluded .
The special is expected to pick up 21 years after the series left the air , answering such questions as whether Caroline @ @ @ @ @ @ @ named fiancé Randy or possibly Del , whether kooky delivery boy Charlie ( Andy Lauer ) found success after moving to Europe probably , and whether any or all of the characters have contracted the COVID-19 virus .
“ I mean , that girl who was my character ’ s best friend was pretty flirtatious , so maybe she caught it , ” added Thompson after she had discovered that Caroline in the City does not yet have a wikipedia entry .
“ Annie , I want to say her name was .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ an A.
” At press time , NBC announced another pandemic reunion special for NBC hit Wings , which will be set in the early 2000 ’ s and focus on how the fictional Nantucket airport ’ s was used as a staging ground for 9-11 .

HOLLYWOOD — As people across the world continue to self-quarantine during the COVID-19 crisis, the cast of mid-90s NBC sitcom Caroline In The City will reunite for a one-time pandemic-themed episode, though absolutely no one has any idea why.
“When (series creator) Fred (Barron) called me and suggested we reunite the cast for this charity special, I said ‘I suppose that’s a thing that could exist’,” explained Lea Thompson, from her home in Beverly Hills. Thompson played the titular cartoonist Caroline Duffy on a series that seriously ran for 4 seasons despite most people these days only being vaguely certain that it was about a “lady in a city” or possibly “a girl who was also a cartoon character”.
“Frankly not a single soul had mentioned the show to me in at least the past decade, positively or otherwise,” Thompson added. “Still, I suppose it’s theoretically possible that a reunion could bring some kind of hope to some people somewhere during these trying times.”
“At the very least, it probably wouldn’t bring them less hope,” shrugged Thompson, as she read the show’s wikipedia entry to refresh her memory on the general premise and gist of the characters.
Following the success of last month’s Parks & Recreation pandemic episode, as well as recently announced reunions for cult hits Community and Happy Endings, the cast of Caroline In The City was “admittedly confused” as to why anyone would want to revisit their show.
“I mean, we were considered ‘Must See TV’ back in the 90s,” explained series regular Malcolm Gets “though, in fairness, we were programmed right after the infinitely-more popular Friends and Seinfeld. Still, it could very well be interesting to see what my character is doing in the year 2020, and how he is reacting to the coronavirus pandemic.”
“Or not. Still, nothing is exactly stopping us, per se,” Gets concluded.
The special is expected to pick up 21 years after the series left the air, answering such questions as whether Caroline ran out on her wedding to her named fiancé Randy or possibly Del, whether kooky delivery boy Charlie (Andy Lauer) found success after moving to Europe probably, and whether any or all of the characters have contracted the COVID-19 virus.
“I mean, that girl who was my character’s best friend was pretty flirtatious, so maybe she caught it,” added Thompson after she had discovered that Caroline in the City does not yet have a wikipedia entry. “Annie, I want to say her name was. Or Andy? It definitely started with an A.”
At press time, NBC announced another pandemic reunion special for NBC hit Wings, which will be set in the early 2000’s and focus on how the fictional Nantucket airport was used as a staging ground for 9-11.


thebeaverton--2020-05-11--“Yes, but so many seniors are still alive,” says Premier Legault

QUEBEC CITY – Quebec Premier François Legault defended his government ’ s decision to re-open schools , businesses , and private care homes despite the COVID-19 pandemic by pointing out that there are some senior residents in care homes who remain both legally and medically alive .
“ Yes , but so many seniors are still alive .
With active pulses , ” said Legault at a press conference responding to a question .
“ I can confirm there are at least a dozen CHSLD residents reported not dead from this pandemic .
This is a clear indication that our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that his government will increase provincial inspections to keep tabs on any elderly residents who somehow managed to survive the province ’ s critically understaffed and underfunded care homes in the hopes that perhaps a vaccine or treatment for elder neglect can be synthesized from their blood .
The Quebec provincial government has recently apologized for the conditions of many care homes in Quebec , and is expected to apologize again a few weeks for the government ’ s future inactions .
“ We ’ re encouraging more active seniors under care to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and themselves , ” said Legault .
“ We also hope families will get more involved , so please , stop sending your beloved grandmama macaroni necklaces and send her a macaroni ventilator instead.
” According to sources , the Legault government also has a plan to ensure that it stays 2 meters away from taking responsibility in the event of a second wave .

QUEBEC CITY – Quebec Premier François Legault defended his government’s decision to re-open schools, businesses, and private care homes despite the COVID-19 pandemic by pointing out that there are some senior residents in care homes who remain both legally and medically alive.
“Yes, but so many seniors are still alive. With active pulses,” said Legault at a press conference responding to a question. “I can confirm there are at least a dozen CHSLD residents reported not dead from this pandemic. This is a clear indication that our plan is working.”
Legault also explained that his government will increase provincial inspections to keep tabs on any elderly residents who somehow managed to survive the province’s critically understaffed and underfunded care homes in the hopes that perhaps a vaccine or treatment for elder neglect can be synthesized from their blood.
The Quebec provincial government has recently apologized for the conditions of many care homes in Quebec, and is expected to apologize again a few weeks for the government’s future inactions.
“We’re encouraging more active seniors under care to improvise by knitting PPE for their orderlies and themselves,” said Legault. “We also hope families will get more involved, so please, stop sending your beloved grandmama macaroni necklaces and send her a macaroni ventilator instead.”
According to sources, the Legault government also has a plan to ensure that it stays 2 meters away from taking responsibility in the event of a second wave.


thebeaverton--2020-05-11--Spine of woman crouched in front of laptop achieves Golden Ratio

MARKHAM , ON – In the act of crouching over her laptop for hours on end , Salma Kuchis managed to finally curl her spine perfectly into the approximation of the Golden Ratio .
“ Here I was thinking that today was gon na turn out just like any other day !
” enthused the 29 year-old woman .
“ And while I must confess that I am suffering from unimaginable pain… the art that has sprung from my body must be preserved and protected.
” Reports indicate that Kuchis has drastically upped her screen time to 16 hours a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ geometric representation of the Golden Ratio .
Her roommates commend her tireless dedication as they have observed her transitioning seamlessly between using her laptop for work to using her laptop for pleasure .
“ I was on a mission to defy the beauty standards imposed on women , ” Kuchis said defiantly , sinking down further into her office chair .
“ I no longer obsess over trivialities such as my weight , instead I have gained the confidence to fixate exclusively on the hunch of my upper-back .
I no longer define @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by the way – instead I am wholly characterized by an irrational number !
” Many art scholars and critics have been quick to dispute Kuchis assertion that her skeletal frame is in line with the logarithmic spiral .
“ I don ’ t believe she understands the basic mathematical principles behind what she is claiming , ” said Alfred Brohmly , art historian at the University of Toronto .
“ I think she ’ s a woman who ’ s trying to spin her abysmal posture into art worthy of praise .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , then my left ball follows the Fibonacci sequence.
” However committed Kuchis has said she is to the preservation of her coiled vertebrae , sources have spotted the young woman using her laptop to search “ 20 minute yoga for upper-back pain .
”

MARKHAM, ON – In the act of crouching over her laptop for hours on end, Salma Kuchis managed to finally curl her spine perfectly into the approximation of the Golden Ratio.
“Here I was thinking that today was gonna turn out just like any other day!” enthused the 29 year-old woman. “And while I must confess that I am suffering from unimaginable pain… the art that has sprung from my body must be preserved and protected.”
Reports indicate that Kuchis has drastically upped her screen time to 16 hours a day in order to achieve the aesthetically-pleasing geometric representation of the Golden Ratio. Her roommates commend her tireless dedication as they have observed her transitioning seamlessly between using her laptop for work to using her laptop for pleasure.
“I was on a mission to defy the beauty standards imposed on women,” Kuchis said defiantly, sinking down further into her office chair. “I no longer obsess over trivialities such as my weight, instead I have gained the confidence to fixate exclusively on the hunch of my upper-back. I no longer define myself by my astrological sign – Aquarius by the way – instead I am wholly characterized by an irrational number!”
Many art scholars and critics have been quick to dispute Kuchis assertion that her skeletal frame is in line with the logarithmic spiral.
“I don’t believe she understands the basic mathematical principles behind what she is claiming,” said Alfred Brohmly, art historian at the University of Toronto. “I think she’s a woman who’s trying to spin her abysmal posture into art worthy of praise. If her spine follows the Golden Ratio, then my left ball follows the Fibonacci sequence.”
However committed Kuchis has said she is to the preservation of her coiled vertebrae, sources have spotted the young woman using her laptop to search “20 minute yoga for upper-back pain.”


thebeaverton--2020-05-11--Quebec suddenly fine with people covering their faces

QUEBEC CITY – As the province re-opens the government of Quebec has decided they ’ re actually super cool with teachers , civil servants and people accessing government services covering their faces .
“ I know we said a lot of things about how difficult face coverings make identification and that they threaten security , ” said Premier Legault .
“ But we were just kidding .
You anglos only took it seriously because you don ’ t get our French sense of humour and because we codified it into a law.
” “ So everyone , if you are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
But the good kind of mask !
Not the bad kind.
” Going forward , people attending at hospitals will be given a mask that they must put on as soon as they enter .
Those who wear religious face coverings like the Hijab will of course be required to uncover their face to access government services before covering their face with the mask in order to access government services .
All teachers will now be covering their faces during the school day , something which Legault is not particularly worried about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ faces normally have been forced out of their jobs .
“ It is now mandatory to wear a secular face covering .
Just as it is mandatory to not wear a religious face covering .
Also we will be on constant alert for people turning their N-95 masks into religious symbols by drawing Jesus on them or putting some pages from the Quran in the filter , ” said Legault .
Legault also re-assured Quebecers that they would still be able to talk to each other while wearing the masks , but only @ @ @ @ @ @

QUEBEC CITY – As the province re-opens the government of Quebec has decided they’re actually super cool with teachers, civil servants and people accessing government services covering their faces.
“I know we said a lot of things about how difficult face coverings make identification and that they threaten security,” said Premier Legault. “But we were just kidding. You anglos only took it seriously because you don’t get our French sense of humour and because we codified it into a law.”
“So everyone, if you are leaving the house please wear a mask. But the good kind of mask! Not the bad kind.”
Going forward, people attending at hospitals will be given a mask that they must put on as soon as they enter. Those who wear religious face coverings like the Hijab will of course be required to uncover their face to access government services before covering their face with the mask in order to access government services.
All teachers will now be covering their faces during the school day, something which Legault is not particularly worried about now that the teachers who cover their faces normally have been forced out of their jobs.
“It is now mandatory to wear a secular face covering. Just as it is mandatory to not wear a religious face covering. Also we will be on constant alert for people turning their N-95 masks into religious symbols by drawing Jesus on them or putting some pages from the Quran in the filter,” said Legault.
Legault also re-assured Quebecers that they would still be able to talk to each other while wearing the masks, but only if they spoke in french.


thebeaverton--2020-05-12--OPINION: It’s time to reopen the Ark of the Covenant

As we all know , we are in the middle of a singularly unique crisis right now .
The world is hurting and needs help .
That is why it ’ s the time for us to quit acting like wimps and fully reopen the Ark of the Covenant .
I may not be an expert or a religious scholar , but I do know that staying cooped up indoors in a giant warehouse in some wooden crate is no condition for the Ark of the Covenant to be in .
That gilded chest featured in the Indiana Jones classic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ see the light of day and it is my RIGHT to open it in front of as large a crowd as possible .
I haven ’ t been able to get a salon blowout in months , which is why I need to feel the wind of a thousand vengeful spirits blasting through my hair , no matter how “ dangerous ” that may be .
Many people in the media will whine that the last time the Ark of the Covenant was opened , it melted the face of Nazi commander Arnold @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Belloq ’ s head to explode , and instantly killed a platoon of soldiers – and this is true .
But this fact isn ’ t a reason for us not to reopen it .
On the contrary , it teaches us how this time , we can open it more carefully .
Not everybody who was present last time the Ark was opened actually died .
Indiana Jones and Marion Ravenwood were completely unharmed because they had their eyes closed , so we as a society simply need to all keep our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll be FINE .
It ’ s also important to point out that most of the people who died from the previous opening of the Ark of the Covenant were soldiers during wartime .
They were probably going to die soon anyway , so who cares if they ’ re instead killed by a terrifying spectre released from an ancient holy artifact ?
Death is sad , obviously , but when you compare a statistically small number of Ark-related deaths to the awesome power that it is said to contain , keeping @ @ @ @ @ @ @ letting a few extra people stay alive .
Sure , some folks will tell you that any plan that requires countless people to die so that others can possess power and greatness is morally wrong , but I ’ m not really imaginative enough to think of any other way for the world to work , so let ’ s crack open that Ark already !

As we all know, we are in the middle of a singularly unique crisis right now. The world is hurting and needs help. That is why it’s the time for us to quit acting like wimps and fully reopen the Ark of the Covenant.
I may not be an expert or a religious scholar, but I do know that staying cooped up indoors in a giant warehouse in some wooden crate is no condition for the Ark of the Covenant to be in. That gilded chest featured in the Indiana Jones classic Raiders of the Lost Ark deserves to see the light of day and it is my RIGHT to open it in front of as large a crowd as possible. I haven’t been able to get a salon blowout in months, which is why I need to feel the wind of a thousand vengeful spirits blasting through my hair, no matter how “dangerous” that may be.
Many people in the media will whine that the last time the Ark of the Covenant was opened, it melted the face of Nazi commander Arnold Toht, caused the traitorous archaeologist René Belloq’s head to explode, and instantly killed a platoon of soldiers – and this is true. But this fact isn’t a reason for us not to reopen it. On the contrary, it teaches us how this time, we can open it more carefully.
Not everybody who was present last time the Ark was opened actually died. Indiana Jones and Marion Ravenwood were completely unharmed because they had their eyes closed, so we as a society simply need to all keep our eyes closed at all times and we’ll be FINE.
It’s also important to point out that most of the people who died from the previous opening of the Ark of the Covenant were soldiers during wartime. They were probably going to die soon anyway, so who cares if they’re instead killed by a terrifying spectre released from an ancient holy artifact?
Death is sad, obviously, but when you compare a statistically small number of Ark-related deaths to the awesome power that it is said to contain, keeping it closed simply isn’t worth letting a few extra people stay alive. Sure, some folks will tell you that any plan that requires countless people to die so that others can possess power and greatness is morally wrong, but I’m not really imaginative enough to think of any other way for the world to work, so let’s crack open that Ark already!


thebeaverton--2020-05-12--“Nothing can harm me now,” states Tim Hortons employee behind flimsy plastic sheet

Scarborough , ON – Local Tim Hortons employee Jim Matthews feels invincible after his management has installed a thin plastic sheet in front of his register .
“ I ’ ve never felt so powerful , ” stated Jim behind the fifteen-dollar barrier now common in all fast-food restaurants and convenience stores .
“ Some poor sick mortal sneezed in my direction and only twenty percent of it got on me , the poor fool.
” Several Tim Hortons locations have closed recently over their employees reporting that they had contracted COVID-19 .
Jim explains that these cases are merely @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The Chosen.
” “ They were merely mortals pretending to have the vast power I possess , ” stated Jim as the thin barrier fell a few inches due to the scotch tape losing its stickiness .
“ It is only once you truly believe in grand lord Hortons that you become immortal .
I don ’ t even need to wash my hands anymore !
They simply were not ( coughs ) strong enough to handle the massive responsibility of this power .
My name is Ozymandias , King of Kings ; @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and Achooo !
During the interview , Jim began to get the chills , which he stated was his body , “ acclimating to this newfound power.
” Jim says the only threat to his peerless might is the employees of LCBO who apparently have visors , allowing them mobility as well as the same complete invulnerability Jim possesses .
Jeremy Hasting , a local criminal has now retired due to the difficulty with robbing convenience stores given how impenetrable the cheap plastic sheet makes them .
“ This used to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , stick a gun in their face , walk out with the cash , ” stated Jeremy .
“ But now , I walk in and I know there ’ s no way any bullet is getting through that stuff .
It ’ s like every drive-thru is it ’ s own fort knox .
”

Scarborough, ON – Local Tim Hortons employee Jim Matthews feels invincible after his management has installed a thin plastic sheet in front of his register.
“I’ve never felt so powerful,” stated Jim behind the fifteen-dollar barrier now common in all fast-food restaurants and convenience stores. “Some poor sick mortal sneezed in my direction and only twenty percent of it got on me, the poor fool.”
Several Tim Hortons locations have closed recently over their employees reporting that they had contracted COVID-19. Jim explains that these cases are merely employees who weren’t of “The Chosen.”
“They were merely mortals pretending to have the vast power I possess,” stated Jim as the thin barrier fell a few inches due to the scotch tape losing its stickiness. “It is only once you truly believe in grand lord Hortons that you become immortal. I don’t even need to wash my hands anymore! They simply were not (coughs) strong enough to handle the massive responsibility of this power. My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings; Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and Achooo!
During the interview, Jim began to get the chills, which he stated was his body, “acclimating to this newfound power.” Jim says the only threat to his peerless might is the employees of LCBO who apparently have visors, allowing them mobility as well as the same complete invulnerability Jim possesses.
Jeremy Hasting, a local criminal has now retired due to the difficulty with robbing convenience stores given how impenetrable the cheap plastic sheet makes them.
“This used to be an easy gig, you walk in, stick a gun in their face, walk out with the cash,” stated Jeremy. “But now, I walk in and I know there’s no way any bullet is getting through that stuff. It’s like every drive-thru is it’s own fort knox.”


thebeaverton--2020-05-12--Thorough catcaller tells all mask-wearing women to smile

TORONTO – As more and more women don face masks in an attempt to protect themselves and others from the novel coronavirus , catcallers across the city are finding themselves growing increasingly frustrated with their inability to tell whether they need to tell the women to smile or not .
However , particularly thorough catcaller Mark Jameson recently made the decision to tell every woman to smile whether or not he can see her face .
“ I figure there ’ s a 50/50 chance she ’ s already smiling under that thing , ” he said , standing on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I just thought , who knows ?
I ’ ll hedge my bets and yell ‘ Gim me a smile !
’ at her regardless .
That way , she ’ ll either smile bigger than she already was , or I ’ ll really turn her day around by alerting her to the fact that she wasn ’ t looking her happiest during a worldwide health crisis.
” Mask-wearer Andrea Moretz was in line at the LCBO when Jameson accosted her earlier today , and explained that she found the experience more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ already smiling because the line was super short , ” she said , uncorking her second bottle of chardonnay of the day .
“ So I don ’ t know what he expected .
I yelled at him to fuck off , but he seemed to take it as a compliment , because he replied that my sweatpants looked ‘ really sexy today.
’ ” When asked whether or not he gets the same pleasure from telling women to smile when they are wearing masks as he did before COVID-19 hit , Jameson @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ It ’ s been difficult for me , I can ’ t lie .
The rush I get from the grateful look on a female ’ s face when I whisper ‘ You ’ d look prettier if you smiled ’ at her from across the bus stop just isn ’ t there anymore .
But even if I can ’ t see the smiles right now , I know they ’ re there , and that ’ s what matters .
I have to be vigilant .
For myself , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them , and the men forced to look at them.
” Jameson was last seen telling a nurse in a full hazmat suit that she would look better with less makeup on .

TORONTO – As more and more women don face masks in an attempt to protect themselves and others from the novel coronavirus, catcallers across the city are finding themselves growing increasingly frustrated with their inability to tell whether they need to tell the women to smile or not. However, particularly thorough catcaller Mark Jameson recently made the decision to tell every woman to smile whether or not he can see her face.
“I figure there’s a 50/50 chance she’s already smiling under that thing,” he said, standing on his favourite catcalling corner. “But I just thought, who knows? I’ll hedge my bets and yell ‘Gimme a smile!’ at her regardless. That way, she’ll either smile bigger than she already was, or I’ll really turn her day around by alerting her to the fact that she wasn’t looking her happiest during a worldwide health crisis.”
Mask-wearer Andrea Moretz was in line at the LCBO when Jameson accosted her earlier today, and explained that she found the experience more puzzling than annoying.
“I was already smiling because the line was super short,” she said, uncorking her second bottle of chardonnay of the day. “So I don’t know what he expected. I yelled at him to fuck off, but he seemed to take it as a compliment, because he replied that my sweatpants looked ‘really sexy today.’”
When asked whether or not he gets the same pleasure from telling women to smile when they are wearing masks as he did before COVID-19 hit, Jameson appeared admirably optimistic about the new challenge.
“It’s been difficult for me, I can’t lie. The rush I get from the grateful look on a female’s face when I whisper ‘You’d look prettier if you smiled’ at her from across the bus stop just isn’t there anymore. But even if I can’t see the smiles right now, I know they’re there, and that’s what matters. I have to be vigilant. For myself, yes, but more importantly, for them, and the men forced to look at them.”
Jameson was last seen telling a nurse in a full hazmat suit that she would look better with less makeup on.


thebeaverton--2020-05-13--UK government advises residents to pick up cricket bat, wait by door for coronavirus

LONDON – Expanding on the U.K. government ’ s new advice that the public deal with the ongoing health threat of COVID-19 by “ staying alert , ” Prime Minister Boris Johnson is also recommending Britons rummage through their sheds , pull out that old cricket bat , and wait nervously by the door for the virus .
“ We are at this time advising all citizens , after grabbing the bat , to shut off the lights and sneak quietly toward the door , ” Johnson said .
“ For those who have peepholes , this is the time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” The UK government has also released a 50 page report outlining to the public how they should “ take a deep breath , make sure your door is locked and try not to panic as the virus ominously jiggles the door handle , ” before trying to club the pathogen over the head if it enters the domicile .
The new guidelines are seen as an attempt by the governing Conservative Party to make up for lost time , after wasting over a month telling Britons that there was “ no danger @ @ @ @ @ @ @ imagining things , ” and “ by all means , spend the weekend with a large group of stranger in a secluded forest cabin with no mobile phone reception , it ’ s good for the economy.
” The prime minister ’ s plan has faced intense backlash from critics , who panned the new guidelines as confusing and premature .
“ What the prime minister is proposing is absurd , ” said Keir Starmer , leader of the opposition Labour Party , in a speech to the House of Commons .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 50 to 200 nanometres in diameter – completely invisible to the naked eye !
A cricket bat is a ridiculous and inappropriate instrument for trying to destroy it .
Something like a shotgun , with more spread , is the best way to save lives and protect the NHS.
” It remains to be seen if the guidelines are adopted outside of England , with Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon insisting they ’ ll have better luck if they “ split up .
”

LONDON – Expanding on the U.K. government’s new advice that the public deal with the ongoing health threat of COVID-19 by “staying alert,” Prime Minister Boris Johnson is also recommending Britons rummage through their sheds, pull out that old cricket bat, and wait nervously by the door for the virus.
“We are at this time advising all citizens, after grabbing the bat, to shut off the lights and sneak quietly toward the door,” Johnson said. “For those who have peepholes, this is the time when you should stare through them nervously.”
The UK government has also released a 50 page report outlining to the public how they should “take a deep breath, make sure your door is locked and try not to panic as the virus ominously jiggles the handle,” before trying to club the pathogen over the head if it enters the domicile.
The new guidelines are seen as an attempt by the governing Conservative Party to make up for lost time, after wasting over a month telling Britons that there was “no danger,” and “they were just imagining things,” and “by all means, spend the weekend with a large group of strangers in a secluded forest cabin with no mobile phone reception, it’s good for the economy.”
The prime minister’s plan has faced intense backlash from critics, who panned the new guidelines as confusing and premature.
“What the prime minister is proposing is absurd,” said Keir Starmer, leader of the opposition Labour Party, in a speech to the House of Commons. “The virus is microscopic, measuring only 50 to 200 nanometres in diameter – completely invisible to the naked eye! A cricket bat is a ridiculous and inappropriate instrument for trying to destroy it. Something like a shotgun, with more spread, is the best way to save lives and protect the NHS.”
It remains to be seen if the guidelines are adopted outside of England, with Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon insisting they’ll have better luck if they “split up.”


thebeaverton--2020-05-13--Report: hottest post-quarantine trend for couples will be separate vacations

VANCOUVER – Although the lockdown may not be fully resolved until 2021 , many Canadians are already fantasizing about the trips they will take post-COVID , and the freedom that will bring from stress , uncertainty and the spouse they are currently living with .
“ I can already feel the sand under my feet , the cold pina colada in my hand , ” said Stacey Mackey .
“ But those pale in comparison to the knowledge that I am thousands of kilometres away from Steve.
” “ So , so far away from Steve , ” she added @ @ @ @ @ @ @ smile shone upon her face .
Already google searches are spiking for terms like ‘ islands furthest away from each other on globe ’ , ‘ how get away from here ’ and ‘ murder still crime ?
’ “ Separate vacations used to be the domain of couples in their 60s who were too tired or catholic to just get divorced , ” said travel agent Gloria Ball .
“ But just this week I got a call from a newly married couple in their 20s asking if I could book them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is already jumping abroad the trend , offering a special ‘ alone time ’ package that comes with unlimited drinks , a king bed with one pillow and no one yelling at you to get out of the bathroom and make the kid ’ s lunch when you just need a goddamn minute to yourself , ok Brenda !
Meanwhile the hottest post-quarantine trend for people currently living alone will be hugging strangers on the subway while crying .

VANCOUVER – Although the lockdown may not be fully resolved until 2021, many Canadians are already fantasizing about the trips they will take post-COVID, and the freedom that will bring from stress, uncertainty and the spouse they are currently living with.
“I can already feel the sand under my feet, the cold pina colada in my hand,” said Stacey Mackey. “But those pale in comparison to the knowledge that I am thousands of kilometres away from Steve.”
“So, so far away from Steve,” she added as her eyes closed and a blissful smile shone upon her face.
Already google searches are spiking for terms like ‘islands furthest away from each other on globe’, ‘how get away from here’ and ‘murder still crime?’
“Separate vacations used to be the domain of couples in their 60s who were too tired or catholic to just get divorced,” said travel agent Gloria Ball. “But just this week I got a call from a newly married couple in their 20s asking if I could book them separate honeymoons.”
One resort in Mexico is already jumping abroad the trend, offering a special ‘alone time’ package that comes with unlimited drinks, a king bed with one pillow and no one yelling at you to get out of the bathroom and make the kid’s lunch when you just need a goddamn minute to yourself, ok Brenda!
Meanwhile the hottest post-quarantine trend for people currently living alone will be hugging strangers on the subway while crying.


thebeaverton--2020-05-14--Restrictions remain in place for Ontarians who can’t afford cottages

ORILLIA – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has announced that COVID-19 restrictions will still remain in place during the Victoria Day Weekend for those unable to afford cottages .
“ For those of you who do not have the means to travel to their Muskoka or Kawarthas cottages , please stay home , ” said Ford .
“ The best way to stop the spread of the coronavirus is to stay home and enjoy all of the Instagram and Facebook photos of cottagers drinking cold beers from their docks , having hours of fun on their seadoos , or roasting marshmallows @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he knows it will be hard for people who don ’ t have the financial means to break public health advice to engage in activities like checking on their cabin ’ s plumbing .
“ My heart goes out to those people who can ’ t afford a boat now that the marinas are open or a membership to a country club to play a round ” added the Premier donning a fly fishing hat , pretending to cast an imaginary fishing rod .
Meanwhile , police will be setting up roadblocks checking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that those who are travelling are wealthy enough to spread COVID-19 to rural communities .

ORILLIA – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has announced that COVID-19 restrictions will still remain in place during the Victoria Day Weekend for those unable to afford cottages.
“For those of you who do not have the means to travel to their Muskoka or Kawarthas cottages, please stay home,” said Ford. “The best way to stop the spread of the coronavirus is to stay home and enjoy all of the Instagram and Facebook photos of cottagers drinking cold beers from their docks, having hours of fun on their seadoos, or roasting marshmallows on a big bonfire.”
Ford explained he knows it will be hard for people who don’t have the financial means to break public health advice to engage in activities like checking on their cabin’s plumbing.
“My heart goes out to those people who can’t afford a boat now that the marinas are open or a membership to a country club to play a round” added the Premier donning a fly fishing hat, pretending to cast an imaginary fishing rod.
Meanwhile, police will be setting up roadblocks checking T4s and bank account balances to ensure that those who are travelling are wealthy enough to spread COVID-19 to rural communities.


thebeaverton--2020-05-14--5 best ways to celebrate frontline workers so you go viral

In these uncertain times that are so full of uncertainty we are all feeling an enormous amount of gratitude for the people at the frontlines of the fight against COVID-19 .
And we want to find a way to express our gratitude in a way that is meaningful , important , and will be retweeted at least a thousand times .
So , here are 5 great ways to honour frontline workers so you go viral !
The classic .
Nothing says ‘ thank you for your service ’ like a bunch of white people in the suburbs doing a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ downside is this has already gone viral a few times so if you want Chris Hadfield to share it on his facebook page , you ’ re gon na need to add some flare .
Maybe get some cute kids banging the fuck out of a pot ?
Or add a dance ?
Do what you have to do !
If there is one thing nurses and doctors love it ’ s amateur musicians singing at them .
Plus if your song lyrics about ‘ you do so much , I wish we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ enough , Your Morning is sure to come calling .
Pretty soon you ’ re the next Shawn Mendes , all thanks to COVID-19 !
Donating to a charity that is trying to help frontline workers and their families is all well and good .
But the important part is to post about it on all social media platforms , including Pinterest and Reddit .
Really let the world know you ’ re a good person and the world will reward you with a whole bunch of new followers .
Get a bunch @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by a nurse ’ s house while honking as loud as you possibly can .
Not only will she feel the love of a horn designed to warn people they are in imminent danger , but if you film it from the right angle you will be on the front page of youtube before you can say ‘ noise violation.
’ 5 .
Support Their Efforts To Obtain Increased Pay And Needed PPE Just kidding .
That shit never goes viral .
Do it if you want though .
Or don ’ t @ @ @

In these uncertain times that are so full of uncertainty we are all feeling an enormous amount of gratitude for the people at the frontlines of the fight against COVID-19. And we want to find a way to express our gratitude in a way that is meaningful, important, and will be retweeted at least a thousand times. So, here are 5 great ways to honour frontline workers so you go viral!
1. Banging Pots and Pans
The classic. Nothing says ‘thank you for your service’ like a bunch of white people in the suburbs doing a worse version of Stomp. The only downside is this has already gone viral a few times so if you want Chris Hadfield to share it on his facebook page, you’re gonna need to add some flare. Maybe get some cute kids banging the fuck out of a pot? Or add a dance? Do what you have to do!
2. Write And Perform An Original Song
If there is one thing nurses and doctors love it’s amateur musicians singing at them. Plus if your song lyrics about ‘you do so much, I wish we could touch’ is catchy and/or hokey enough, Your Morning is sure to come calling. Pretty soon you’re the next Shawn Mendes, all thanks to COVID-19!
3. Post About A Donation You’ve Made To A Support Charity
Donating to a charity that is trying to help frontline workers and their families is all well and good. But the important part is to post about it on all social media platforms, including Pinterest and Reddit. Really let the world know you’re a good person and the world will reward you with a whole bunch of new followers.
4. Car Parade
Get a bunch of your instagram fam together and drive by a nurse’s house while honking as loud as you possibly can. Not only will she feel the love of a horn designed to warn people they are in imminent danger, but if you film it from the right angle you will be on the front page of youtube before you can say ‘noise violation.’
5. Support Their Efforts To Obtain Increased Pay And Needed PPE
Just kidding. That shit never goes viral. Do it if you want though. Or don’t. Whatever.


thebeaverton--2020-05-14--Opinion: Why I’m boycotting Amazon unless I get bored or want something

In recent months , Amazon ’ s numerous infractions have become almost too big to ignore .
As labour violations mount , I no longer feel comfortable giving them my business which is why I ’ ve bravely decided to boycott all their services unless I get kinda bored or want something .
We have so much power as consumers .
Every dollar is a vote we cast for the world we want to live in .
Do I want to live in a world where Jeff Bezos , a man worth nearly a trillion dollars , underpays warehouse workers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a conscientious consumer !
The last thing I want is to be one of those selfish idiots that pads Bezos ’ pockets by buying superfluous things like baby formula .
From here on out , my boycott will only be lifted when I really want something cool like a selfie ring light or a puzzle of my own face .
It ’ s not just workers I care about either .
My activism also extends to the planet .
No surprise , in addition to being powered by fossil fuels , Amazon is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ comes to packaging waste .
That just doesn ’ t sit right with me .
I celebrate earth hour every year .
No one cares more about the planet than me .
But sometimes sitting around all day thinking about how compassionate I am can get boring .
In these moments , the sudden urge to order something like a tasteful dog wig will wash over me and who am I to let morality stand in the way of such earthly pleasures ?
One of the easiest things to boycott from Amazon is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cancelling the $ 7.99 a month feature , you ’ re sending a clear message to the corporation ’ s top brass .
Sure , they have great shows like Fleabag and- Shit .
I still haven ’ t watched Fleabag .
I ’ ve been meaning to for months but I just haven ’ t gotten around to it .
You know , technically , the subscription cancellation doesn ’ t go through until the end of the month .
I ’ m just going to get caught up on some shows @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kicking Amazon to the curb .
No one said being a humanitarian was easy but sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the greater good .
Of course , my ethical consumerism does not end with a boycott of Amazon .
I also plan on boycotting ride shares like Uber for their horrendous track record of surge pricing and underpaying drivers unless of course I ’ m running a bit late , or I forgot my presto card , or there ’ s a light drizzle , or the bus looks too busy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t feel like taking the bus , or if I ’ ve had a really long day , or if I ’ m carrying too many bags , or if I have a five dollar off voucher , or if its off-peak pricing , or if I ’ m a little tired , or if its getting kind of late , or if I don ’ t want to walk , or if just sort of want to .

In recent months, Amazon’s numerous infractions have become almost too big to ignore. As labour violations mount, I no longer feel comfortable giving them my business which is why I’ve bravely decided to boycott all their services unless I get kinda bored or want something.
We have so much power as consumers. Every dollar is a vote we cast for the world we want to live in. Do I want to live in a world where Jeff Bezos, a man worth nearly a trillion dollars, underpays warehouse workers? Of course not- I’m a conscientious consumer! The last thing I want is to be one of those selfish idiots that pads Bezos’ pockets by buying superfluous things like baby formula. From here on out, my boycott will only be lifted when I really want something cool like a selfie ring light or a puzzle of my own face.
It’s not just workers I care about either. My activism also extends to the planet. No surprise, in addition to being powered by fossil fuels, Amazon is one of the worst offenders when it comes to packaging waste. That just doesn’t sit right with me. I celebrate earth hour every year. No one cares more about the planet than me. But sometimes sitting around all day thinking about how compassionate I am can get boring. In these moments, the sudden urge to order something like a tasteful dog wig will wash over me and who am I to let morality stand in the way of such earthly pleasures?
One of the easiest things to boycott from Amazon is the Prime video subscription. By simply cancelling the $7.99 a month feature, you’re sending a clear message to the corporation’s top brass. Sure, they have great shows like Fleabag and- Shit. I still haven’t watched Fleabag. I’ve been meaning to for months but I just haven’t gotten around to it. You know, technically, the subscription cancellation doesn’t go through until the end of the month. I’m just going to get caught up on some shows real quick and then I am seriously kicking Amazon to the curb. No one said being a humanitarian was easy but sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the greater good.
Of course, my ethical consumerism does not end with a boycott of Amazon. I also plan on boycotting ride shares like Uber for their horrendous track record of surge pricing and underpaying drivers unless of course I’m running a bit late, or I forgot my presto card, or there’s a light drizzle, or the bus looks too busy, or if I just don’t feel like taking the bus, or if I’ve had a really long day, or if I’m carrying too many bags, or if I have a five dollar off voucher, or if its off-peak pricing, or if I’m a little tired, or if its getting kind of late, or if I don’t want to walk, or if just sort of want to.