thebeaverton--2020-07-21--Toronto Police warn protesters against vandalizing symbols of white supremacy, citing difficulty of

Toronto Police warn protesters against vandalizing symbols of white supremacy, citing difficulty of removing paint from uniforms

TORONTO — Following the arrest of three Black Lives Matter – Toronto protesters over the act of dousing racist monuments in bright pink paint , Toronto Police are threatening considerable legal consequences for further vandalism , citing how difficult it is to remove paint from police uniforms .
“ The Toronto Police Service supports the right of the public to demonstrate and protest , but there are consequences to throwing paint on symbols of systemic racism , ” said Police Chief Mark Saunders , “ Namely the dry cleaning bills that the women and men of the Toronto Police Service @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” .
Toronto Police have been increasingly frustrated by protesters painting messages on images of white supremacy to push for their removal : “ We ’ re not going anywhere , and we ’ re not going to allow rioters to whip out a can of spray paint every time they see images of Canada ’ s continuing legacy of genocide against Indigenous peoples , ” said Constable Jim Patton , graffitied head to toe with ACAB stencils , “ Do you know how hard it is to get oil based paints out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Toronto Police held protesters for 17 hours while delaying their access to legal counsel and delivering misinformation to their supporters .
Activists see this as retaliation for their push to dismantle publicly visible structures that represent slavery , colonialism and violence , also known as the Defund the Police movement .
Mayor John Tory has spoken publicly of the need to reform Toronto ’ s policing system , but a recent motion by City Council to reduce the TPS budget by 10 % failed in favour of Tory ’ s motion to spend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The Toronto Police Association denies the need for change , and has also argued against related protests seeking to remove statues of historically racist figures John A. MacDonald and Egerton Ryerson , asking “ If we start removing people who perpetrated genocide and oppression , who will white women threaten to call whenever a service worker says something they don ’ t like ?
”

TORONTO — Following the arrest of three Black Lives Matter – Toronto protesters over the act of dousing racist monuments in bright pink paint, Toronto Police are threatening considerable legal consequences for further vandalism, citing how difficult it is to remove paint from police uniforms.
“The Toronto Police Service supports the right of the public to demonstrate and protest, but there are consequences to throwing paint on symbols of systemic racism,” said Police Chief Mark Saunders, “Namely the dry cleaning bills that the women and men of the Toronto Police Service have to pay every time it happens”.
Toronto Police have been increasingly frustrated by protesters painting messages on images of white supremacy to push for their removal: “We’re not going anywhere, and we’re not going to allow rioters to whip out a can of spray paint every time they see images of Canada’s continuing legacy of genocide against Indigenous peoples,” said Constable Jim Patton, graffitied head to toe with ACAB stencils, “Do you know how hard it is to get oil based paints out of Kevlar?”
On Saturday, Toronto Police held protesters for 17 hours while delaying their access to legal counsel and delivering misinformation to their supporters. Activists see this as retaliation for their push to dismantle publicly visible structures that represent slavery, colonialism and violence, also known as the Defund the Police movement.
Mayor John Tory has spoken publicly of the need to reform Toronto’s policing system, but a recent motion by City Council to reduce the TPS budget by 10% failed in favour of Tory’s motion to spend $50 million on Tide sticks.
The Toronto Police Association denies the need for change, and has also argued against related protests seeking to remove statues of historically racist figures John A. MacDonald and Egerton Ryerson, asking “If we start removing people who perpetrated genocide and oppression, who will white women threaten to call whenever a service worker says something they don’t like?”


thebeaverton--2020-07-22--Doug Ford tells young people with COVID-19 to stop partying and start waiting tables indoors

TORONTO – In response to an increase in the proportion of new coronavirus infections among people in their 20s and 30s in Ontario , premier Doug Ford has urged young people to stop partying irresponsibly and to start returning to minimum wage service sector jobs where they come into contact with vast numbers of people instead .
“ I ’ m not saying that all young people are to blame for the recent increase in cases of COVID-19 , ” stated premier Ford at a recent press conference .
“ It ’ s just the ones that are going hog @ @ @ @ @ @ @ these young folks could do something responsible , like serve drinks to a table full of people who are partying.
” Much of Ontario has moved on to Stage 3 of re-opening , which involves sending bar and restaurant workers mostly in their 20s and 30s back to serving customers indoors , and which the provincial government has asserted has nothing to do with the recent increase of COVID-19 cases in people in their 20s and 30s .
“ Folks here in Ontario are hurting .
They are afraid of not being able @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Ford explained , shortly after introducing a bill that would make it easier for tenants to get evicted .
“ I can only think of one way that my government could ease those fears : get folks back to work in crowded environments full of strangers.
” Ontario Minister of Health Christine Elliott explained that “ the test results that are coming in are very clear .
We can tell , scientifically , that these new cases are because of things that young people did wrong and can be blamed for .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ besides the people getting sick , anyway ?
” As of press time premier Ford reminded young people throwing raucous house parties that “ not only are you putting people ’ s health at risk , you ’ re not even contributing to the economy .
If you have to party , do it in a way that spends some money .
”

TORONTO – In response to an increase in the proportion of new coronavirus infections among people in their 20s and 30s in Ontario, premier Doug Ford has urged young people to stop partying irresponsibly and to start returning to minimum wage service sector jobs where they come into contact with vast numbers of people instead.
“I’m not saying that all young people are to blame for the recent increase in cases of COVID-19,” stated premier Ford at a recent press conference. “It’s just the ones that are going hog wild. Instead of partying, maybe these young folks could do something responsible, like serve drinks to a table full of people who are partying.”
Much of Ontario has moved on to Stage 3 of re-opening, which involves sending bar and restaurant workers mostly in their 20s and 30s back to serving customers indoors, and which the provincial government has asserted has nothing to do with the recent increase of COVID-19 cases in people in their 20s and 30s.
“Folks here in Ontario are hurting. They are afraid of not being able to make rent and getting evicted,” Ford explained, shortly after introducing a bill that would make it easier for tenants to get evicted. “I can only think of one way that my government could ease those fears: get folks back to work in crowded environments full of strangers.”
Ontario Minister of Health Christine Elliott explained that “the test results that are coming in are very clear. We can tell, scientifically, that these new cases are because of things that young people did wrong and can be blamed for. Who else would you want to blame besides the people getting sick, anyway?”
As of press time premier Ford reminded young people throwing raucous house parties that “not only are you putting people’s health at risk, you’re not even contributing to the economy. If you have to party, do it in a way that spends some money.”


thebeaverton--2020-07-22--Tooth Fairy admits she would also pay for other body parts

OSLO – In an exclusive interview with Norway ’ s NRK1 , the Tooth Fairy , a magical being who is known for slipping into children ’ s rooms at night and leaving money in exchange for one of their baby teeth , admitted that her interests are not restricted to teeth , and would gladly accept other body parts as well .
“ I ’ m mostly known for teeth , and the teeth make up 98 % of my business , ” explained the Fairy .
“ But I am trying to get the word out that I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even whole legs .
I need all kinds of body parts.
” When the interviewer reacted in shock , the Tooth Fairy was quick to reassure her she meant children ’ s body parts , and would never take an adult body part .
“ We thought that it would be a fun , easy interview with an adored children ’ s fantasy figure , ” said Anne Lindmo , the TV host who interviewed the Tooth Fairy .
“ But the interview got very dark very fast , and when she brought @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would pay two thousand dollars for an American nose , I stopped the interview.
” “ I ’ m not saying you should remove your child ’ s hand and place it under the child ’ s pillow , ” explained the Fairy .
“ But if your child ’ s hand falls off naturally , consider putting it under your child ’ s head as they sleep and I promise you , I will get it out of your house and leave a big wad of cash under there .
I mean @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do with it ?
” The Tooth Fairy went on to say that due to exponential inflation of the amount of money a child expects to find under their pillow , rising costs have meant that her business model is no longer sustainable .
“ I have a lot of creditors breathing down my neck , ” said the Fairy .
“ There are kids out there expecting to find a twenty under their pillow .
And that ’ s not a package deal , that ’ s per tooth .
Used to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a whole set of twenty teeth for a dollar .
It ’ s not like that anymore .
But I don ’ t have the skills for any other job , so I ’ m in deep.
” Since the interview , there has been widespread condemnation of the Tooth Fairy , with some concerned parents demanding that she resign immediately .
Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have disavowed any connection , despite being fellow fantasy creatures who invade homes nocturnally .
“ I have nothing to do with any body part @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Claus in a press release .
“ My activities are about one thing and one thing only : judging children ’ s moral character through constant surveillance .
”

OSLO – In an exclusive interview with Norway’s NRK1, the Tooth Fairy, a magical being who is known for slipping into children’s rooms at night and leaving money in exchange for one of their baby teeth, admitted that her interests are not restricted to teeth, and would gladly accept other body parts as well.
“I’m mostly known for teeth, and the teeth make up 98% of my business,” explained the Fairy. “But I am trying to get the word out that I could also use fingers, earlobes, even whole legs. I need all kinds of body parts.” When the interviewer reacted in shock, the Tooth Fairy was quick to reassure her she meant children’s body parts, and would never take an adult body part.
“We thought that it would be a fun, easy interview with an adored children’s fantasy figure,” said Anne Lindmo, the TV host who interviewed the Tooth Fairy. “But the interview got very dark very fast, and when she brought out a price chart showing that she would pay two thousand dollars for an American nose, I stopped the interview.”
“I’m not saying you should remove your child’s hand and place it under the child’s pillow,” explained the Fairy. “But if your child’s hand falls off naturally, consider putting it under your child’s head as they sleep and I promise you, I will get it out of your house and leave a big wad of cash under there. I mean, what else are you going to do with it?”
The Tooth Fairy went on to say that due to exponential inflation of the amount of money a child expects to find under their pillow, rising costs have meant that her business model is no longer sustainable.
“I have a lot of creditors breathing down my neck,” said the Fairy. “There are kids out there expecting to find a twenty under their pillow. And that’s not a package deal, that’s per tooth. Used to be I could get my hands on a whole set of twenty teeth for a dollar. It’s not like that anymore. But I don’t have the skills for any other job, so I’m in deep.”
Since the interview, there has been widespread condemnation of the Tooth Fairy, with some concerned parents demanding that she resign immediately. Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have disavowed any connection, despite being fellow fantasy creatures who invade homes nocturnally. “I have nothing to do with any body part collection or trade,” stated Santa Claus in a press release. “My activities are about one thing and one thing only: judging children’s moral character through constant surveillance.”


thebeaverton--2020-07-22--Fuck it. Let’s do the pros and cons of glory holes

The British Columbian Centre for Disease Control has recommended using glory holes for sexual intercourse in order to minimize the spread of COVID-19 and honestly at this point , fuck it , let ’ s review the ups and downs for glory holes .
So our team did some first-hand research and compiled a list of all of the positives and negatives associated with sticking or receiving a dick through a hole in a bathroom stall and into some stranger ’ s orifice – Eye contact with strangers can be awkward – Vacation in your province ’ s most breath-taking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , you can picture them naked – Multi-task and work on your bathroom stall graffiti – Face it , you were gon na do it sooner or later – Creating one at home makes for a fun family DIY project – You get a story to tell -You have to tell that story to the cop who busts you – Your voice isn ’ t as sexy as you think it is – Got ta bring your own lube , and that ’ s a hassle – Filing the report to send to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ marriage is a one-way ticket to hell After compiling all the positives and negatives , we hope you use the most sensible and safe sexual methods possible in this pandemic , and at the very least , this has proven that the B.C CDC straight-up fucks .

The British Columbian Centre for Disease Control has recommended using glory holes for sexual intercourse in order to minimize the spread of COVID-19 and honestly at this point, fuck it, let’s review the ups and downs for glory holes.
So our team did some first-hand research and compiled a list of all of the positives and negatives associated with sticking or receiving a dick through a hole in a bathroom stall and into some stranger’s orifice
PROS:
– Meet new people with common interests
– Eye contact with strangers can be awkward
– Nothing’s hotter than a public bathroom
– Vacation in your province’s most breath-taking truck stops
– If you get nervous, you can picture them naked
– Stay up-to-date in the latest footwear fashion
– Sex in public
– Multi-task and work on your bathroom stall graffiti
– Face it, you were gonna do it sooner or later
– Creating one at home makes for a fun family DIY project
– You get a story to tell
CONS:
-You have to tell that story to the cop who busts you
– Can’t tell if they’re wearing a mask
– Your voice isn’t as sexy as you think it is
– Gotta bring your own lube, and that’s a hassle
– Filing the report to send to the Canadian government afterwards
– Sex before marriage is a one-way ticket to hell
– Sex in public
– No high-fives
– Shit, weren’t blowjobs considered high risk?
– Busting an anonymous fat nut won’t solve world hunger
– You’ll probably fall in love
After compiling all the positives and negatives, we hope you use the most sensible and safe sexual methods possible in this pandemic, and at the very least, this has proven that the B.C CDC straight-up fucks.


thebeaverton--2020-07-22--Outbreaks at bars, parties tarnish otherwise impeccable reputation of drunk people

KELOWNA , BC – Recent spikes in COVID-19 cases attributed to bars , large parties , and other social gatherings involving the imbibing of massive amounts of alcohol have damaged the distinguished reputation of the drunk community .
Boozehounds from across the country were shocked that some of their community members were taking needless risks while intoxicated , a side-effect of alcohol they ’ ve never seen before .
“ I only get into fist fights with people in my social bubble , ” said one inebriated gentleman trying to keep his balance .
“ Being drunk is not an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ This is a pandemic and everyone , including us drinkers , have a respon…respon..responsibility.
” As many provinces opt to reopen pool halls , pubs , and other liquor establishments , government officials are confident that those half-in-the-bag or completely shitfaced will do the right thing like remembering to wash their hands .
“ The majority of us are just trying to have a good time binge drinking through our face masks , ” said a wine-swilling woman on her 5th glass of rose .
At press time , drunk community members are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in their ability to drive .

KELOWNA, BC – Recent spikes in COVID-19 cases attributed to bars, large parties, and other social gatherings involving the imbibing of massive amounts of alcohol have damaged the distinguished reputation of the drunk community.
Boozehounds from across the country were shocked that some of their community members were taking needless risks while intoxicated, a side-effect of alcohol they’ve never seen before.
“I only get into fist fights with people in my social bubble,” said one inebriated gentleman trying to keep his balance. “Being drunk is not an excuse to disregard social distancing rules. This is a pandemic and everyone, including us drinkers, have a respon…respon..responsibility.”
As many provinces opt to reopen pool halls, pubs, and other liquor establishments, government officials are confident that those half-in-the-bag or completely shitfaced will do the right thing like remembering to wash their hands.
“The majority of us are just trying to have a good time binge drinking through our face masks,” said a wine-swilling woman on her 5th glass of rose.
At press time, drunk community members are hoping to regain society’s confidence in their ability to drive.


thebeaverton--2020-07-22--Trump introduces “choose your own adventure” pandemic protocol

Washington D.C. – As the number of COVID cases skyrockets in the United States , Trump and his administration have officially instituted a “ choose your own adventure ” protocol to tackling the pandemic .
“ Let me begin by stating that despite what right-wing media wants you to believe , President Trump and this administration are doing a phenomenal job keeping this pandemic under control ” began White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany , more to herself than anyone .
“ And because of that , we ’ re finally going to give Americans what they ’ ve been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with this pandemic , the way they want , in a fun choose-your-own-adventure style !
” The new protocol , outlined in a handbook format , begins with “ So , you don ’ t want COVID ?
Wear a Mask [ turn to page 4 ] or Refuse To Wear a Mask [ turn to page 7 ] .
” “ Since my notion of freedom is threatened by a piece of cloth , I chose “ don ’ t wear a mask ” , declared everyday American Joe Rickers , proudly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to page seven and BAM it reads ‘ Congratulations !
You died like a TRUE AMERICAN.
’ Fuck yeah !
” “ Out of curiosity , I peeked at the alternative ‘ wear a mask option ’ ” declared staunch Republican Karen White “ I ’ m so glad I didn ’ t pick it because look what it says – ‘ Your mask was made in China and now you ’ ve got COVID .
Keep it on , like a goddamn pussy [ turn to page 19 ] or Take it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ [ turn to page 8 ] !
’ “ According to McEnany , the handbook will tap into the true spirit of American adventure by outlining over hundreds of options with thousands of outcomes , like “ Stay home ” [ which then leads to ‘ You lost your job to an immigrant , you goddamn pussy !
’ ] or “ Go to Work ” [ which reveals ‘ You made money for the top 1 % and died LIKE A TRUE AMERICAN !
’ ] Many are praising the administrations for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I feel so empowered !
Like , the decisions are actually mine !
” while others are questioning why every single option leads to them either dying or being called a goddamn pussy .
Due to the large success of the choose-your-own-adventure approach , the Trump administration has announced other protocols will be presented in similarly fun ways , starting with presidential pardoning which will now follow a “ One fish , Two fish , You lied under oath and tampered with evidence to protect me , Blue fish !
” system @

Washington D.C. – As the number of COVID cases skyrockets in the United States, Trump and his administration have officially instituted a “choose your own adventure” protocol to tackling the pandemic.
“Let me begin by stating that despite what right-wing media wants you to believe, President Trump and this administration are doing a phenomenal job keeping this pandemic under control” began White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany, more to herself than anyone. “And because of that, we’re finally going to give Americans what they’ve been asking for – the freedom to deal with this pandemic, the way they want, in a fun choose-your-own-adventure style!”
The new protocol, outlined in a handbook format, begins with “So, you don’t want COVID? Wear a Mask [turn to page 4] or Refuse To Wear a Mask [turn to page 7].”
“Since my notion of freedom is threatened by a piece of cloth, I chose “don’t wear a mask”, declared everyday American Joe Rickers, proudly. “So, now I flip to page seven and BAM it reads ‘Congratulations! You died like a TRUE AMERICAN.’ Fuck yeah!”
“Out of curiosity, I peeked at the alternative ‘wear a mask option’” declared staunch Republican Karen White “I’m so glad I didn’t pick it because look what it says – ‘Your mask was made in China and now you’ve got COVID. Keep it on, like a goddamn pussy [turn to page 19] or Take it off and die like A TRUE AMERICAN [turn to page 8]!’ “
According to McEnany, the handbook will tap into the true spirit of American adventure by outlining over hundreds of options with thousands of outcomes, like “Stay home” [which then leads to ‘You lost your job to an immigrant, you goddamn pussy!’] or “Go to Work” [which reveals ‘You made money for the top 1% and died LIKE A TRUE AMERICAN!’]
Many are praising the administrations for finally releasing a coherent strategy, stating “I feel so empowered! Like, the decisions are actually mine!” while others are questioning why every single option leads to them either dying or being called a goddamn pussy.
Due to the large success of the choose-your-own-adventure approach, the Trump administration has announced other protocols will be presented in similarly fun ways, starting with presidential pardoning which will now follow a “One fish, Two fish, You lied under oath and tampered with evidence to protect me, Blue fish!” system.


thebeaverton--2020-07-23--Twitter confident most users will pay for the privilege of getting called a dumb bitch

SAN FRANCISCO – Twitter confirmed today that it is looking to boost falling revenues by asking users to pay money in order to be harassed by strangers online .
“ We are exploring ways to give Twitter users all the current joys of random assholes coming into their mentions to call them the c-word but with the added benefit of knowing that everyone involved in that interaction is paying to be a part of it , ” said CEO and founder Jack Dorsey .
“ Our goal at Twitter has always been to elevate the discourse .
Think of how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when you pay to make a cute little joke about Han Solo not being good at smuggling and someone else pays to reply to that joke with a threat to come to your house and rape you.
” While many users are wary of having to pay for a service that was formerly free , Twitter ’ s announcement that they will be charging extra to people who reply to a tweet with the same joke that several other people have already replied with has been met with praise , as has their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ celebrities will no longer be allowed to ruin fun viral memes by participating in them .
Users ’ opinions on the subscription model are split , with one user tweeting “ Paying to harass people defeats the point , when I harass people I need them to know they are worthless ” while another tweeted “ This is great , my racism will come across as much more forceful when those I abuse know I ’ m willing to pay to call them such horrific slurs.
” Twitter has also announced that they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reply guy ’ package , which , when purchased , will stop other accounts from muting or blocking the reply guy ’ s attempts to reword jokes , give unasked for advice , and call women ‘ stuck up sluts ’ for not responding to their compliments .
At press time , several of Twitter ’ s right-wing microblogging competitors who were hoping that that Twitter users would defect in droves at the prospect of Twitter becoming a subscription service were disappointed to learn that even in a world in which Twitter costs @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t give their own services away .

SAN FRANCISCO – Twitter confirmed today that it is looking to boost falling revenues by asking users to pay money in order to be harassed by strangers online.
“We are exploring ways to give Twitter users all the current joys of random assholes coming into their mentions to call them the c-word but with the added benefit of knowing that everyone involved in that interaction is paying to be a part of it,” said CEO and founder Jack Dorsey.
“Our goal at Twitter has always been to elevate the discourse. Think of how much more meaningful an interaction will be when you pay to make a cute little joke about Han Solo not being good at smuggling and someone else pays to reply to that joke with a threat to come to your house and rape you.”
While many users are wary of having to pay for a service that was formerly free, Twitter’s announcement that they will be charging extra to people who reply to a tweet with the same joke that several other people have already replied with has been met with praise, as has their promise that under the new subscription model celebrities will no longer be allowed to ruin fun viral memes by participating in them.
Users’ opinions on the subscription model are split, with one user tweeting “Paying to harass people defeats the point, when I harass people I need them to know they are worthless” while another tweeted “This is great, my racism will come across as much more forceful when those I abuse know I’m willing to pay to call them such horrific slurs.”
Twitter has also announced that they are looking into creating a deluxe ‘reply guy’ package, which, when purchased, will stop other accounts from muting or blocking the reply guy’s attempts to reword jokes, give unasked for advice, and call women ‘stuck up sluts’ for not responding to their compliments.
At press time, several of Twitter’s right-wing microblogging competitors who were hoping that that Twitter users would defect in droves at the prospect of Twitter becoming a subscription service were disappointed to learn that even in a world in which Twitter costs money, they still literally can’t give their own services away.


thebeaverton--2020-07-23--Gay Man hospitalized for Drag Race Exhaustion

VANCOUVER – A local man has been hospitalized for what medical professionals are calling “ a severe case of DRE : Drag Race Exhaustion ” .
Paramedics were reportedly called in after twenty-eight-year-old self-identified homosexual Darrel Martins death-dropped to the floor and didn ’ t get up .
“ At first , I was living , ” said friend Jacob Holland , “ But then he didn ’ t move for three minutes , and that ’ s when we knew something was wrong.
” “ I ’ ve never seen anything like this , ” said renowned epidemiologist Doctor @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Martins .
“ At first we thought it was COVID , but then another patient came in displaying the same symptoms , and then another and another .
It ’ s sickening when you don ’ t know what to do – and not in a good way.
” According to Doctor Sizmore , it wasn ’ t until reviewing intake forms that she noticed a pattern .
Under the description of symptoms , all four patients wrote “ uncontrollable gooping and gagging ” ; for previous medications “ Rolaskatox ” ; and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Mama Ru @ fracking ranch ” .
Doctor Sizmore has launched an official study into the phenomenon of what she ’ s now calling Drag Genus Lassitudinem or “ Drag Race Exhaustion ” , caused by the overconsumption of the franchise .
She suspects it ’ s origins derive from what she is citing as Shangelus Spoliatus or the time “ Shangela was robbed ” .
“ It ’ s still pretty hazy but I remember feeling weird after the Christmas Special , ” began Darrel Martins , from his bed in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , we went straight into Season 12 , which was a journey considering the whole Sherry-who-shall-not-be-named controversy .
Not to mention the simultaneous premier of Celebrity Drag Race PLUS Untucked , which you can ’ t miss because then you only know half the story !
” Martins went on to explain that a week after the Season 12 finale , All Stars Five premiered which has now started to overlap with Canada ’ s Drag Race , before hyperventilating and passing out .
“ And now RuPaul ’ s Vegas Revue ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ running a marathon and then being asked to run four more !
!
” Martins gasped , before attending physicians placed him on emergency oxygen .
Although Doctor Sizmore is optimistic a vaccine will be available next year , in the meantime she recommends viewers watch the show in moderation and to space out the viewings , ovwr multiple streaming platforms .
Some fans have heeded the warning , thanking Doctor Sizmore , while others responded with “ yes , but how will we stay up to date on which queen of colour @ @ @ @ @ @ @ press time , Public Health has issued a warning for people to ease up on listening to Lady Gaga ’ s Chromatica album after a wave of homosexuals were found in a catatonic state mumbling “ babble on ” .
Public Health also advises people experiencing any symptoms to seek medical assistance right away and not use the musical transition of Chromatica II into 911 to call for help .

VANCOUVER – A local man has been hospitalized for what medical professionals are calling “a severe case of DRE: Drag Race Exhaustion”.
Paramedics were reportedly called in after twenty-eight-year-old self-identified homosexual Darrel Martins death-dropped to the floor and didn’t get up. “At first, I was living,” said friend Jacob Holland, “But then he didn’t move for three minutes, and that’s when we knew something was wrong.”
“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said renowned epidemiologist Doctor Jane Sizmore, who has since stabilized Martins. “At first we thought it was COVID, but then another patient came in displaying the same symptoms, and then another and another. It’s sickening when you don’t know what to do – and not in a good way.”
According to Doctor Sizmore, it wasn’t until reviewing intake forms that she noticed a pattern. Under the description of symptoms, all four patients wrote “uncontrollable gooping and gagging”; for previous medications “Rolaskatox”; and as their emergency contact they all listed “Mama Ru @ fracking ranch”.
Doctor Sizmore has launched an official study into the phenomenon of what she’s now calling Drag Genus Lassitudinem or “Drag Race Exhaustion”, caused by the overconsumption of the franchise. She suspects it’s origins derive from what she is citing as Shangelus Spoliatus or the time “Shangela was robbed”.
“It’s still pretty hazy but I remember feeling weird after the Christmas Special,” began Darrel Martins, from his bed in the recovery ward. “From there, we went straight into Season 12, which was a journey considering the whole Sherry-who-shall-not-be-named controversy. Not to mention the simultaneous premier of Celebrity Drag Race PLUS Untucked, which you can’t miss because then you only know half the story!”
Martins went on to explain that a week after the Season 12 finale, All Stars Five premiered which has now started to overlap with Canada’s Drag Race, before hyperventilating and passing out.
“And now RuPaul’s Vegas Revue?! Christ, it’s like running a marathon and then being asked to run four more!!” Martins gasped, before attending physicians placed him on emergency oxygen.
Although Doctor Sizmore is optimistic a vaccine will be available next year, in the meantime she recommends viewers watch the show in moderation and to space out the viewings, over multiple streaming platforms. Some fans have heeded the warning, thanking Doctor Sizmore, while others responded with “yes, but how will we stay up to date on which queen of colour to dump on?!”
At press time, Public Health has issued a warning for people to ease up on listening to Lady Gaga’s Chromatica album after a wave of homosexuals were found in a catatonic state mumbling “babble on”.
Public Health also advises people experiencing any symptoms to seek medical assistance right away and not use the musical transition of Chromatica II into 911 to call for help.


thebeaverton--2020-07-23--Companies furious employees choosing CERB over work briefly consider paying more

TORONTO – Companies outraged that employees would choose to take the $ 2,000.00 Emergency Response Benefit over returning to work 40-50 hours per week in the midst of a pandemic briefly considered paying more before quickly deciding that no , that would be ridiculous .
“ It ’ s just ridiculous that someone would want to make $ 2,000.00 a month for not working when they could make up to $ 2,240.00 working full time at McDonalds , ” said one franchise owner .
“ At home they don ’ t even get to wear all this fun PPE and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t want to wear masks.
” “ For a while I was like ‘ does the fact that an emergency response benefit pay nearly as much as I do for a full time job say something about how I compensate my staff ’ but then I remembered it ’ s just that the government is overpaying them and I felt better , ” he added .
Other employers have reported similar doubts , saying that when they called and told their employees to come back to work , they were absolutely @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more money than the legal minimum they ’ d been paying them for the last 4 years .
“ It ’ s like they don ’ t have a love for the job anymore , ” said one gas station owner .
Although the ‘ just pay them more ’ idea was quickly discarded , employers are considering other options for how to get employees off CERB and back to work .
These include bringing in free donuts , planning fun ‘ team outings ’ and petitioning the government to immediately cancel the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ come crawling back like the scum they are .

TORONTO – Companies outraged that employees would choose to take the $2,000.00 Emergency Response Benefit over returning to work 40-50 hours per week in the midst of a pandemic briefly considered paying more before quickly deciding that no, that would be ridiculous.
“It’s just ridiculous that someone would want to make $2,000.00 a month for not working when they could make up to $2,240.00 working full time at McDonalds,” said one franchise owner. “At home they don’t even get to wear all this fun PPE and get yelled at by angry customers who don’t want to wear masks.”
“For a while I was like ‘does the fact that an emergency response benefit pay nearly as much as I do for a full time job say something about how I compensate my staff’ but then I remembered it’s just that the government is overpaying them and I felt better,” he added.
Other employers have reported similar doubts, saying that when they called and told their employees to come back to work, they were absolutely shocked to discover some of them wanted more money than the legal minimum they’d been paying them for the last 4 years.
“It’s like they don’t have a love for the job anymore,” said one gas station owner.
Although the ‘just pay them more’ idea was quickly discarded, employers are considering other options for how to get employees off CERB and back to work. These include bringing in free donuts, planning fun ‘team outings’ and petitioning the government to immediately cancel the program so their employees are forced to come crawling back like the scum they are.


thebeaverton--2020-07-23--Blue Jays offer to change name to something racist in order to find new home in U.S.

Anywhere but TORONTO – After the Toronto Blue Jays have been barred from playing in their home city and rejected by Pittsburgh , the desperate team has stated they are willing to change their name to something offensive in order to get more interest in US cities .
“ We understand that in order to be a professional sports team based in the U.S. , it is helpful to have a racist name , ” said general manager Ross Atkins .
“ While we ’ re not thrilled about it , we are willing to play ball in order to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the US , and it ’ s history of culturally insensitive team names , Atkins and the team believe the club ’ s best option is to change their name to something that will require being changed in a few short months .
“ It ’ ll be hard , but I am sure we can find some culture that major league sports have not yet insulted , ” said Vladimir Guerrero Jr. “ Jewish people , mexican people , maybe get real creative and take down Pacific Islanders.
” “ It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an ethnic group !
The Toronto Pizza-gaters , the Toronto 9/11 Truthers , the Toronto MAGAnificents…we are willing to have any offensive name with any offensive mascot so we can get back to what ’ s really important : branding deals .
USA !
” The team is also delighted to hear that since Edmonton ’ s CFL team has agreed to change names , their previous moniker is now available .
“ I am sure Americans will get a kick out of offending a whole new culture they only sometimes take pot-shots @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Bo Bichette .
“ We ’ re really open to calling our team anything at this point , ” said Atkins .
“ We carry with us the proud spirit of our fellow Canadians in that we are adaptable and able to ignore very obvious and pervasive cultural ignorance.
” With time running out to find a new home , The Blue Jays will democratically be polling communities in America to find out which group they would like to see belittled the most .

Anywhere but TORONTO – After the Toronto Blue Jays have been barred from playing in their home city and rejected by Pittsburgh, the desperate team has stated they are willing to change their name to something offensive in order to get more interest in US cities.
“We understand that in order to be a professional sports team based in the U.S., it is helpful to have a racist name,” said general manager Ross Atkins. “While we’re not thrilled about it, we are willing to play ball in order to play ball.”
Given the current state of the US, and it’s history of culturally insensitive team names, Atkins and the team believe the club’s best option is to change their name to something that will require being changed in a few short months.
“It’ll be hard, but I am sure we can find some culture that major league sports have not yet insulted,” said Vladimir Guerrero Jr. “Jewish people, mexican people, maybe get real creative and take down Pacific Islanders.”
“It doesn’t even have to be an ethnic group! The Toronto Pizza-gaters, the Toronto 9/11 Truthers, the Toronto MAGAnificents…we are willing to have any offensive name with any offensive mascot so we can get back to what’s really important: branding deals. USA!”
The team is also delighted to hear that since Edmonton’s CFL team has agreed to change names, their previous moniker is now available. “I am sure Americans will get a kick out of offending a whole new culture they only sometimes take pot-shots at,” said Blue Jay short-stop Bo Bichette.
“We’re really open to calling our team anything at this point,” said Atkins. “We carry with us the proud spirit of our fellow Canadians in that we are adaptable and able to ignore very obvious and pervasive cultural ignorance.”
With time running out to find a new home, The Blue Jays will democratically be polling communities in America to find out which group they would like to see belittled the most.


thebeaverton--2020-07-24--“I finally feel like me again,” says Ford after introducing anti-tenant legislation, blaming young f

“I finally feel like me again,” says Ford after introducing anti-tenant legislation, blaming young for COVID spike

TORONTO – After months of behaving like a different , more competent and compassionate premier , Doug Ford says he has finally found himself again this week after blaming young Ontarians ’ “ partying ” for a COVID spike and introducing legislation that will make it easier for landlords to evict tenants .
“ Each day I praised front-line workers or promoted our universal healthcare system I ’ d come home , look in the mirror and be like , who are you ?
, ” said Ford .
“ But then I remembered my Thoreau – ‘ Not until @ @ @ @ @ @ @ find ourselves ’ and I felt this deep inner calm and knew I had to allow landlords to evict tenants without a board hearing.
” “ Knowing others is intelligence .
Knowing yourself is true wisdom .
And knowing that an increased rise in COVID cases isn ’ t caused by your government allowing restaurants and bars to serve indoors but by millennials partying is the greatest wisdom of all , ” he added .
Aides and the family members not suing him had been worried about Ford ever since the pandemic began @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to claim that coronavirus was a Chinese hoax .
“ He still said folks a bunch , but you can tell he didn ’ t really mean it , ” said one staffer .
They credit his spirit returning to his meditation routine , where he spends at least 30 minutes every day relaxed by the sounds of water lapping on a dock , green space being cleared for housing development , and the ‘ I ’ m mad as hell and I ’ m not gon na take it anymore ’ speech @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t wait to see what I come up with next now that I ’ m back , ” said Ford .
“ Maybe I ’ ll lower taxes or cut Toronto ’ s city council again .
Or maybe I ’ ll just keep on doing all the horrible things I ’ ve been doing that no one talked about because the media was too busy praising my tone and leadership .
”

TORONTO – After months of behaving like a different, more competent and compassionate premier, Doug Ford says he has finally found himself again this week after blaming young Ontarians’ “partying” for a COVID spike and introducing legislation that will make it easier for landlords to evict tenants.
“Each day I praised front-line workers or promoted our universal healthcare system I’d come home, look in the mirror and be like, who are you?,” said Ford. “But then I remembered my Thoreau – ‘Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves’ and I felt this deep inner calm and knew I had to allow landlords to evict tenants without a board hearing.”
“Knowing others is intelligence. Knowing yourself is true wisdom. And knowing that an increased rise in COVID cases isn’t caused by your government allowing restaurants and bars to serve indoors but by millennials partying is the greatest wisdom of all,” he added.
Aides and the family members not suing him had been worried about Ford ever since the pandemic began, noting his low energy and refusal to claim that coronavirus was a Chinese hoax.
“He still said folks a bunch, but you can tell he didn’t really mean it,” said one staffer.
They credit his spirit returning to his meditation routine, where he spends at least 30 minutes every day relaxed by the sounds of water lapping on a dock, green space being cleared for housing development, and the ‘I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore’ speech from Network.
“I can’t wait to see what I come up with next now that I’m back,” said Ford. “Maybe I’ll lower taxes or cut Toronto’s city council again. Or maybe I’ll just keep on doing all the horrible things I’ve been doing that no one talked about because the media was too busy praising my tone and leadership.”


thebeaverton--2020-07-24--Avatar 2 delayed until after Avatar 3

Avatar 2 delayed until after Avatar 3

LOS ANGELES – Director James Cameron has announced today that Avatar 2 , the long-gestating sequel to his 2009 magnum opus , has been delayed by COVID-19 restrictions , and will not be coming to theatres until after the release of Avatar 3 .
In a written statement , Cameron stressed that production was still on schedule for Avatars 3 , 4 , and also Avatar 5 ( all films he is currently working on ) , but that unfortunately the logistical uncertainties of the pandemic have necessitated that Avatar 2 be delayed by a year and a half : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Avatar 3 .
“ Luckily , we ’ re shooting all six – sorry , five – of these sequels back to back , ” Cameron went on to elaborate .
“ We can keep up the pace with the other films and ensure that the disruption of your return to the world of Pandora is as minimal as possible .
This minor change to our original schedule will mean that the audience will only be confused by the events of Avatar 3 for a little while , before Avatar 2 comes out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Then , six months later , it ’ s Avatar 5 , which I had actually always intended to release before Avatar 4 .
As the dark middle chapter , Avatar 4 is taking the longest to get right and may , in fact , never be finished.
” “ As always , I would like to thank Disney Studios producers Alan Horn , Alan Bergman and the dozens of other old , white men named Alan in charge of keeping these seven movies on the production slate , ” Cameron concluded .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Avatar 2 was originally supposed to come out in 2014 , while Avatar 3 ’ s original release date was December 18 , 2008 – a full year before the release of the original Avatar movie .

LOS ANGELES – Director James Cameron has announced today that Avatar 2, the long-gestating sequel to his 2009 magnum opus, has been delayed by COVID-19 restrictions, and will not be coming to theatres until after the release of Avatar 3.
In a written statement, Cameron stressed that production was still on schedule for Avatars 3, 4, and also Avatar 5 (all films he is currently working on), but that unfortunately the logistical uncertainties of the pandemic have necessitated that Avatar 2 be delayed by a year and a half: six months after the scheduled premiere of Avatar 3.
“Luckily, we’re shooting all six – sorry, five – of these sequels back to back,” Cameron went on to elaborate. “We can keep up the pace with the other films and ensure that the disruption of your return to the world of Pandora is as minimal as possible. This minor change to our original schedule will mean that the audience will only be confused by the events of Avatar 3 for a little while, before Avatar 2 comes out to make sense of everything retroactively. Then, six months later, it’s Avatar 5, which I had actually always intended to release before Avatar 4. As the dark middle chapter, Avatar 4 is taking the longest to get right and may, in fact, never be finished.”
“As always, I would like to thank Disney Studios producers Alan Horn, Alan Bergman and the dozens of other old, white men named Alan in charge of keeping these seven movies on the production slate,” Cameron concluded.
“Six. I meant six movies.”
Avatar 2 was originally supposed to come out in 2014, while Avatar 3’s original release date was December 18, 2008 – a full year before the release of the original Avatar movie.


thebeaverton--2020-07-24--Lame coronavirus party infects 0 people

Lame coronavirus party infects 0 people

TUSCALOOSA , AL- The latest in an underwhelming series of coronavirus parties at a University of Alabama frat house has reportedly failed to create a single new case of COVID-19 .
“ This party blows .
There ’ s more corona in the fridge than there is in peoples ’ lungs , ” said second year student Langston Wilkes .
“ I came to get my sick on , but there ’ s only one licking pole getting passed around .
I guess I ’ ll have to endanger my health the 2010 way – binge drinking , poorly synthesized @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for the hell of it.
” Iota Lambda Lambda has been reportedly throwing coronavirus virus parties for the past several weeks now , to the constant disappointment of all attendees leaving in good health .
Many revelers are expressing frustration with having to test for the virus at the door , as nasal swabs are largely considered by most students to be “ only slightly worse than butt chugging ” .
The lack of symptoms among the party goers is leading to uncertainty as to who , if any , will be the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ catching the virus first .
“ I don ’ t think anyone has a chance of catching anything here .
I think I might have even seen one person washing their hands , ” explained postgraduate student Mila Rastings .
“ I should ’ ve just gone to the Russian Roulette tournament across town .
I had a much better shot of winning the pot there.
” The hosts of the Iota Lambda Lambda party are reportedly baffled by the lack of infection .
“ It ’ s so weird .
Usually , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” said longtime frat brother Brock Jenkins .
“ This seemed like such a good idea after our H1N1 fundraiser .
We sold so many samples of H1N1 that year.
” At press time , many people have since left the party after hearing another across down the street has a guy from Brazil kissing everyone as they walk inside .

TUSCALOOSA, AL- The latest in an underwhelming series of coronavirus parties at a University of Alabama frat house has reportedly failed to create a single new case of COVID-19.
“This party blows. There’s more corona in the fridge than there is in peoples’ lungs,” said second year student Langston Wilkes. “I came to get my sick on, but there’s only one licking pole getting passed around. I guess I’ll have to endanger my health the 2010 way – binge drinking, poorly synthesized party drugs, and jumping off roofs for the hell of it.”
Iota Lambda Lambda has been reportedly throwing coronavirus virus parties for the past several weeks now, to the constant disappointment of all attendees leaving in good health. Many revelers are expressing frustration with having to test for the virus at the door, as nasal swabs are largely considered by most students to be “only slightly worse than butt chugging”.
The lack of symptoms among the party goers is leading to uncertainty as to who, if any, will be the one to claim the cash prize for catching the virus first. “I don’t think anyone has a chance of catching anything here. I think I might have even seen one person washing their hands,” explained postgraduate student Mila Rastings. “I should’ve just gone to the Russian Roulette tournament across town. I had a much better shot of winning the pot there.”
The hosts of the Iota Lambda Lambda party are reportedly baffled by the lack of infection. “It’s so weird. Usually, someone always gets sick at our parties,” said longtime frat brother Brock Jenkins. “This seemed like such a good idea after our H1N1 fundraiser. We sold so many samples of H1N1 that year.”
At press time, many people have since left the party after hearing another across down the street has a guy from Brazil kissing everyone as they walk inside.


thebeaverton--2020-07-24--Webster’s dictionary changes definition of ‘sarcasm’ to ‘I totally meant what I said but now I got i

Webster’s dictionary changes definition of ‘sarcasm’ to ‘I totally meant what I said but now I got in trouble for it so I’m going to backpedal’

Springfield , MA – Merriam-Webster ’ s dictionary has changed the definition of the term ‘ sarcasm ’ to ‘ I totally meant what I said but now I got in trouble for it so I ’ m going to backpedal , ’ in order to keep up with the common usage .
“ It is our official opinion that the word ‘ sarcasm ’ was just being used too sarcastically .
We did what had to be done , ” said Webster ’ s in an official statement .
This decision to change the definition comes on the heels @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Dave Pragner came under fire for his “ sarcastic comment ” about how immigrants just “ make stuff up all the time.
” When people were offended he defaulted to the classic “ some people just don ’ t get sarcasm , ” defense , making him the 10,000,000th white man to do so this year .
That was when the dictionary knew it had to step in .
Some people are happy with the change .
Like Penelope Desmond who celebrated by “ sarcastically ” throwing a slushie into a nearby baby @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as it plunked down perfectly into the crib .
Also on board are the guy on twitter who likes to play devil ’ s advocate , politicians who are desperately hoping not to resign and spouses who have finally told their long-term partner how they really feel .
But some in the general public cited confusion as to what word they should now use instead of ‘ sarcasm ’ to denote when someone is being truly ‘ sarcastic.
’ When approached for comment , Webster ’ s had this to say , “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just figure it out .
We ’ re so tired.
” Webster ’ s Dictionary has since also decided to officially change the definition of the word ‘ satire ’ to mean literally anything .

Springfield, MA – Merriam-Webster’s dictionary has changed the definition of the term ‘sarcasm’ to ‘I totally meant what I said but now I got in trouble for it so I’m going to backpedal,’ in order to keep up with the common usage.
“It is our official opinion that the word ‘sarcasm’ was just being used too sarcastically. We did what had to be done,” said Webster’s in an official statement.
This decision to change the definition comes on the heels of a recent scandal when local man Dave Pragner came under fire for his “sarcastic comment” about how immigrants just “make stuff up all the time.” When people were offended he defaulted to the classic “some people just don’t get sarcasm,” defense, making him the 10,000,000th white man to do so this year. That was when the dictionary knew it had to step in.
Some people are happy with the change. Like Penelope Desmond who celebrated by “sarcastically” throwing a slushie into a nearby baby stroller, yelling “swish!” as it plunked down perfectly into the crib. Also on board are the guy on twitter who likes to play devil’s advocate, politicians who are desperately hoping not to resign and spouses who have finally told their long-term partner how they really feel.
But some in the general public cited confusion as to what word they should now use instead of ‘sarcasm’ to denote when someone is being truly ‘sarcastic.’ When approached for comment, Webster’s had this to say, “I don’t know guys, just figure it out. We’re so tired.”
Webster’s Dictionary has since also decided to officially change the definition of the word ‘satire’ to mean literally anything.


thebeaverton--2020-07-27--Rookie MLB player achieves dream of playing in front of 45,000 empty seats

NEW YORK – Yankees rookie Chris Buford realised a lifelong dream yesterday after stepping onto the field in front of more than 45,000 empty plastic seats in his MLB debut .
“ It ’ s incredible , ” the young fielder said in his post-game interview .
“ I remember playing little league as a kid and there ’ d be the odd empty seat in between parents and no one would sit next to the weird old guy who knew everyone ’ s batting average .
But it was nothing like this.
” MLB began the season July 23rd @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at games and a truncated 60 game schedule with reduced travel .
“ We know it ’ s very exciting for the young guys , and a big adjustment , ” said Manager Aaron Boone .
“ You try and get ‘ em prepared for the pure adrenaline of playing surrounded by 45,000 empty seats , but there ’ s really nothing like it.
” While some may find the experience nerve wracking , Buford says he uses a tried and true method to stay calm : “ You just picture everyone who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their underwear.
” Other players are embracing the vast emptiness of the vacant stadiums as a chance to work on mindfulness and meditation .
“ We ’ re lucky enough to play a sport where nothing happens for hours at a time , ” added veteran slugger Giancarlo Stanton .
“ So it ’ s nice to finally have an atmosphere to match.
” The team now moves on to a series in Boston , where the Fenway Park staff have installed machines that will throw beers , hot dogs and batteries at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more authentic feel to the proceedings .

NEW YORK – Yankees rookie Chris Buford realised a lifelong dream yesterday after stepping onto the field in front of more than 45,000 empty plastic seats in his MLB debut.
“It’s incredible,” the young fielder said in his post-game interview. “I remember playing little league as a kid and there’d be the odd empty seat in between parents and no one would sit next to the weird old guy who knew everyone’s batting average. But it was nothing like this.”
MLB began the season July 23rd under new Covid-19 regulations including no fans at games and a truncated 60 game schedule with reduced travel.
“We know it’s very exciting for the young guys, and a big adjustment,” said Manager Aaron Boone. “You try and get ‘em prepared for the pure adrenaline of playing surrounded by 45,000 empty seats, but there’s really nothing like it.”
While some may find the experience nerve wracking, Buford says he uses a tried and true method to stay calm: “You just picture everyone who used to sit in those seats in their underwear.”
Other players are embracing the vast emptiness of the vacant stadiums as a chance to work on mindfulness and meditation. “We’re lucky enough to play a sport where nothing happens for hours at a time,” added veteran slugger Giancarlo Stanton. “So it’s nice to finally have an atmosphere to match.”
The team now moves on to a series in Boston, where the Fenway Park staff have installed machines that will throw beers, hot dogs and batteries at players in an attempt to bring a more authentic feel to the proceedings.


thebeaverton--2020-07-27--COVID first thing Nova Scotia happy to be only province without

HALIFAX – After decades of being the only province in Canada without several attractions , amenities , and chain stores , the COVID-19 virus has emerged as the first thing Nova Scotians are actually happy to be the only province without .
“ It ’ s bittersweet .
I mean , we ’ ve always been pretty burned to not have an NHL team , or even a CFL team , ” announced Nova Scotian premier Stephen McNeil .
“ Heck , even New Brunswick has a St. Hubert ’ s .
Frankly , being jealous of things every other @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pass time.
” McNeil continued , “ But for once , thanks to our elimination of COVID-19 , being the only ‘ have-not province ’ turns out to be not too shabby !
” With the Maritime province now reporting 12 days without a new case of COVID-19 , as well as no active cases , Nova Scotians are still reporting mixed feelings about the undeniably-positive virus news .
John Leo LeBlanc , of Sydney , explained , “ I mean , most times that Nova Scotia is the only province without something @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , when are we gon na get an Ikea ’ or ‘ how come Toronto gets to have Taylor Swift come and play , again ?
’ ” .
McMaster continued , “ But now instead of salty , I ’ m feeling pretty good .
Well , a mixture of salty and good .
Confused , I guess you ’ d say ?
” Some Nova Scotians expressed similar surprise at the new non-envious sensation .
“ I nearly caught myself trying to drive to Quebec , just to get some COVID @ @ @ @ @ @ @ explained Martin Burke , of Annapolis .
Burke added , “ Then I thought I ’ d celebrate our low COVID numbers by going out to eat at the Cheesecake Factory , and I remembered we don ’ t have one , and I got angry all over again.
” Meanwhile , other Nova Scotians have greeted the virus-free news with optimism .
“ I ’ ll miss being upset that Nova Scotia doesn ’ t have things , but imagine what else we might be the first province without , ” explained @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we could be the first province that doesn ’ t have miserably cold winters , if global warming keeps going.
” At press time , Premier McNeil responded to New Brunswick ’ s low COVID-19 rates with a warning to “ stop stealing our thing ” .

HALIFAX – After decades of being the only province in Canada without several attractions, amenities, and chain stores, the COVID-19 virus has emerged as the first thing Nova Scotians are actually happy to be the only province without.
“It’s bittersweet. I mean, we’ve always been pretty burned to not have an NHL team, or even a CFL team,” announced Nova Scotian premier Stephen McNeil. “Heck, even New Brunswick has a St. Hubert’s. Frankly, being jealous of things every other province has is a long-standing Nova Scotian pass time.”
McNeil continued, “But for once, thanks to our elimination of COVID-19, being the only ‘have-not province’ turns out to be not too shabby!”
With the Maritime province now reporting 12 days without a new case of COVID-19, as well as no active cases, Nova Scotians are still reporting mixed feelings about the undeniably-positive virus news. John Leo LeBlanc, of Sydney, explained, “I mean, most times that Nova Scotia is the only province without something I’d be all ‘dangit, when are we gonna get an Ikea’ or ‘how come Toronto gets to have Taylor Swift come and play, again?’”.
McMaster continued, “But now instead of salty, I’m feeling pretty good. Well, a mixture of salty and good. Confused, I guess you’d say?”
Some Nova Scotians expressed similar surprise at the new non-envious sensation. “I nearly caught myself trying to drive to Quebec, just to get some COVID, just out of habit,” explained Martin Burke, of Annapolis.
Burke added, “Then I thought I’d celebrate our low COVID numbers by going out to eat at the Cheesecake Factory, and I remembered we don’t have one, and I got angry all over again.”
Meanwhile, other Nova Scotians have greeted the virus-free news with optimism. “I’ll miss being upset that Nova Scotia doesn’t have things, but imagine what else we might be the first province without,” explained Preston-area lawyer Ashley Wright. “Maybe we could be the first province that doesn’t have miserably cold winters, if global warming keeps going.”
At press time, Premier McNeil responded to New Brunswick’s low COVID-19 rates with a warning to “stop stealing our thing”.


thebeaverton--2020-07-27--Americans fleeing COVID try to sneak into Canada by disguising themselves as NHL players

DETROIT/WINDSOR BORDER – As NHL teams have made the journey to the league ’ s two bubble cities of Edmonton and Toronto , many Americans attempting to escape the pandemic have taken to disguising themselves as hockey players in order to fool guards at the still closed border .
“ I had one guy who weighed about 325 and had a thick southern accent tell me he played for the Maple Leaves , ” said border agent Dalton McEwan .
“ I said ‘ do you mean Maple Leafs ’ and he paused for like 30 seconds before going ‘ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ let him right in and asked him to say hi to Auston Matthews for me !
Just kidding .
I told him no and wished him well in his pandemic riddled mess of a country.
” Other Americans have put in more of an effort by wearing special ‘ mullet wigs ’ , growing out their facial hair and even yanking out teeth to simulate the look of a standard NHL player .
But they still haven ’ t met much success .
“ It ’ s a bit awkward when ladies try @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have to reject them I have to detail the institutional sexism about why the Women ’ s Professional Hockey League was disbanded , ” said McEwan .
“ I was sure I had him .
I called him bud , talked about dangles and complimented his flow .
I don ’ t know how he saw through me , ” said Tyler Finch of Marlyand .
The move comes after previous Americans ’ attempts failed , including disguising themselves as frontline workers and claiming they would only be popping in to pick up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back out .

DETROIT/WINDSOR BORDER – As NHL teams have made the journey to the league’s two bubble cities of Edmonton and Toronto, many Americans attempting to escape the pandemic have taken to disguising themselves as hockey players in order to fool guards at the still closed border.
“I had one guy who weighed about 325 and had a thick southern accent tell me he played for the Maple Leaves,” said border agent Dalton McEwan. “I said ‘do you mean Maple Leafs’ and he paused for like 30 seconds before going ‘Yes.’”
“So naturally I let him right in and asked him to say hi to Auston Matthews for me! Just kidding. I told him no and wished him well in his pandemic riddled mess of a country.”
Other Americans have put in more of an effort by wearing special ‘mullet wigs’, growing out their facial hair and even yanking out teeth to simulate the look of a standard NHL player. But they still haven’t met much success.
“It’s a bit awkward when ladies try it. Then not only do I have to reject them I have to detail the institutional sexism about why the Women’s Professional Hockey League was disbanded,” said McEwan.
“I was sure I had him. I called him bud, talked about dangles and complimented his flow. I don’t know how he saw through me,” said Tyler Finch of Marlyand.
The move comes after previous Americans’ attempts failed, including disguising themselves as frontline workers and claiming they would only be popping in to pick up some softwood lumber and then coming right back out.


thebeaverton--2020-07-27--WE charity sends Trudeau, Morneau on volunteer trip to Guatemala to self-discover ethics

GUATEMALA CITY – WE Charity is sending Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and Finance Minister Bill Morneau on a volunteer trip to help the poor , explore new cultures , and self-discover their ethics .
“ It ’ s going to be awesome to help out those in need , like ourselves , ” said a chipper Trudeau weighed down with a large hiking pack adorned with a Canadian flag .
“ Volunteering is one of the best ways we can empower youths and prime ministers to find themselves .
Man , it ’ s just so sad to see people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ week journey will include the construction of a school for impoverished children and the creation of a deep-rooted , genuine connection to ethics , say officials from WE .
After spending a few hours of giving inspirational speeches to other volunteers , the duo plan on spending the rest of the day white-water rafting and hanging out on the beach .
“ This trip will jog my memory on all of the other personal connections I may have with government contractors , ” said Morneau who said he would take some time out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Conflict of Interest Act .
“ You can ’ t put a price on this life-changing journey , not even $ 900 million.
” Meanwhile , the shabbily constructed school Trudeau and Morneau built was blamed on Canada ’ s public service .

GUATEMALA CITY – WE Charity is sending Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and Finance Minister Bill Morneau on a volunteer trip to help the poor, explore new cultures, and self-discover their ethics.
“It’s going to be awesome to help out those in need, like ourselves,” said a chipper Trudeau weighed down with a large hiking pack adorned with a Canadian flag. “Volunteering is one of the best ways we can empower youths and prime ministers to find themselves. Man, it’s just so sad to see people living with so little.”
The five week journey will include the construction of a school for impoverished children and the creation of a deep-rooted, genuine connection to ethics, say officials from WE.
“Hola!” added the PM to confused locals. “Amo la ética!”
After spending a few hours of giving inspirational speeches to other volunteers, the duo plan on spending the rest of the day white-water rafting and hanging out on the beach.
“This trip will jog my memory on all of the other personal connections I may have with government contractors,” said Morneau who said he would take some time out of his busy day to read the Conflict of Interest Act. “You can’t put a price on this life-changing journey, not even $900 million.”
Meanwhile, the shabbily constructed school Trudeau and Morneau built was blamed on Canada’s public service.


thebeaverton--2020-07-27--Report: man who flossed two nights in a row finally has gotten life back together

CALGARY – In a big win , 32-year-old Dave Frescos has finally managed to gather the internal strength necessary to floss for two nights in a row after weeks quarantined alone in a basement apartment .
Having averaged one floss per month in the past quarter , these latest trends have exponentially boosted Frescos ’ dental hygiene and self-esteem .
“ Like so many others , I have been spiralling lately .
But when I realized I was re-watching the final season of Game of Thrones and not minding it , I knew it was time to regain control of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from his sparsely furnished den .
“ So , I decided to try flossing again and when I noticed I had completed my daily hygiene routine two days in a row , I realized I ’ m fucking awesome.
” Up until this moment in the pandemic , Dave ’ s life deteriorated to the point that he has stopped showering regularly , seriously considered reaching out to his high school buddies , and has exclusively eaten overcooked Kraft Dinner .
However , since the floss things have trended upwards for Dave , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Chef Gordon Ramsay and even managed to cook scrambled eggs without setting off the fire alarm once .
Frescos ’ upstairs neighbour and mother , Val Frescos , has also voiced her support for her son , claiming that she noticed an uptick in her son ’ s attractiveness and a reduction of her son ’ s bad breath .
After being questioned on her hope for Dave getting his life back together Ms. Frescos replied , “ Life back together ?
Yes , maybe he ’ ll even get his wife back @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s divorced.
” With these lifestyle changes underway , Frescos plans to maintain his optimism as long as he can hold onto his tenuous flossing streak .
“ I bet by this time next week I ’ ll be wearing deodorant again and probably even having sex !
” Frescos exclaimed while mowing the lawn for the first time in a year .
As for long term goals , the newly-flossing bachelor hopes to fix his haphazard sleep schedule , get started on the screenplay he has always been meaning to write , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ old high school buddies .

CALGARY – In a big win, 32-year-old Dave Frescos has finally managed to gather the internal strength necessary to floss for two nights in a row after weeks quarantined alone in a basement apartment.
Having averaged one floss per month in the past quarter, these latest trends have exponentially boosted Frescos’ dental hygiene and self-esteem.
“Like so many others, I have been spiralling lately. But when I realized I was re-watching the final season of Game of Thrones and not minding it, I knew it was time to regain control of my life,” Dave boldly declared from his sparsely furnished den. “So, I decided to try flossing again and when I noticed I had completed my daily hygiene routine two days in a row, I realized I’m fucking awesome.”
Up until this moment in the pandemic, Dave’s life deteriorated to the point that he has stopped showering regularly, seriously considered reaching out to his high school buddies, and has exclusively eaten overcooked Kraft Dinner. However, since the floss things have trended upwards for Dave, as he recently completed a Masterclass by Chef Gordon Ramsay and even managed to cook scrambled eggs without setting off the fire alarm once.
Frescos’ upstairs neighbour and mother, Val Frescos, has also voiced her support for her son, claiming that she noticed an uptick in her son’s attractiveness and a reduction of her son’s bad breath. After being questioned on her hope for Dave getting his life back together Ms. Frescos replied, “Life back together? Yes, maybe he’ll even get his wife back together. With him. He’s divorced.”
With these lifestyle changes underway, Frescos plans to maintain his optimism as long as he can hold onto his tenuous flossing streak. “I bet by this time next week I’ll be wearing deodorant again and probably even having sex!” Frescos exclaimed while mowing the lawn for the first time in a year.
As for long term goals, the newly-flossing bachelor hopes to fix his haphazard sleep schedule, get started on the screenplay he has always been meaning to write, and serve adequate scrambled eggs to his old high school buddies.


thebeaverton--2020-07-26--Guy who won’t wear mask in store promises to pull out before he coughs

TORONTO – After a small business owner reminded him of the city bylaw mandating people to wear masks in indoor public spaces , local shopper Jason Anguiano insisted that since he doesn ’ t like the way a mask feels when he wears it , he would simply pull out of the store as soon as he feels like he ’ s going to cough .
“ I don ’ t want to cough inside your store , I just want to get in there and it feels so much better without all that cloth in the way , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the store unmasked .
“ I can feel when I ’ m about to cough , I ’ ll just slip right out the way I came in and there won ’ t be any consequences for either of us , I promise , ” Anguiano added in a soothing , persuasive tone .
The store in question , G Hollywood Designs , specializes in gold chain necklaces and other men ’ s jewellery .
The owner , Brandon Allred , has reported a surge in customers attempting to charm their way inside @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ At this point , I ’ ve heard it all , ” explains Allred .
“ I ’ ve had people tell me I ’ d like it better too if they didn ’ t have a mask on , I ’ ve had people get angry and claim that all the other stores let them do it , I ’ ve had people say they ’ ll pay to take care of it if anything goes wrong .
I even have people say their face is too big for masks .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ my eyes at that one.
” Experts speculate that many people who refuse to wear a mask when entering stores do so because they feel like it might diminish their shopping performance and even render them incapable of completing a satisfying transaction .
Anguiano insists , however , that this is not the case for him : “ It ’ s just that I have a cloth allergy , that ’ s all.
” Allred later admitted that he did allow one customer to come inside his store without a mask recently , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ defense , he had a LOT of money.
” The customer in question was reported to have ghosted without committing to a purchase .

TORONTO – After a small business owner reminded him of the city bylaw mandating people to wear masks in indoor public spaces, local shopper Jason Anguiano insisted that since he doesn’t like the way a mask feels when he wears it, he would simply pull out of the store as soon as he feels like he’s going to cough.
“I don’t want to cough inside your store, I just want to get in there and it feels so much better without all that cloth in the way,” explained Anguiano as he tried to enter the store unmasked. “I can feel when I’m about to cough, I’ll just slip right out the way I came in and there won’t be any consequences for either of us, I promise,” Anguiano added in a soothing, persuasive tone.
The store in question, G Hollywood Designs, specializes in gold chain necklaces and other men’s jewellery. The owner, Brandon Allred, has reported a surge in customers attempting to charm their way inside without adhering to the mask bylaw.
“At this point, I’ve heard it all,” explains Allred. “I’ve had people tell me I’d like it better too if they didn’t have a mask on, I’ve had people get angry and claim that all the other stores let them do it, I’ve had people say they’ll pay to take care of it if anything goes wrong. I even have people say their face is too big for masks. They get really cranky when I roll my eyes at that one.”
Experts speculate that many people who refuse to wear a mask when entering stores do so because they feel like it might diminish their shopping performance and even render them incapable of completing a satisfying transaction. Anguiano insists, however, that this is not the case for him: “It’s just that I have a cloth allergy, that’s all.”
Allred later admitted that he did allow one customer to come inside his store without a mask recently, but clarified that, “In my defense, he had a LOT of money.” The customer in question was reported to have ghosted without committing to a purchase.


thebeaverton--2020-07-26--Woman late to join Animal Crossing has been making mortgage payments to raccoon outside apartment

THORNHILL , ON – Four months after the release of the wildly popular video game Animal Crossing : New Horizons , Leondra Mendoza sat down with her partner to admit to them that she had been making mortgage payments to a raccoon living behind her apartment .
“ At the start of quarantine , I didn ’ t have enough money to get a Nintendo Switch , ” said the visibly stressed young woman .
“ But I still wanted to feel as though I was a part of the cultural conversation !
So I started giving envelopes stuffed with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a dumpster.
” “ In hindsight , it would ’ ve been cheaper to just get the video game console… ” Mendoza ’ s partner Sam was rightfully upset when they learned the news .
“ I entrusted Leondra with bill payments because she seemed to be the more responsible one out of the two of us , but right now , we ’ re out more than ten grand .
I ’ m too embarrassed to go to a couples therapist with this problem.
” What originally began as Mendoza scrounging the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ advice from her pet hedgehogs , slowly warped into a costly facsimile of the video game .
Her partner admitted that they should ’ ve seen the warning signs when she began showing bugs she caught to an owl in the park .
However , since the beginning of July , Mendoza has been on a mortgage strike .
She has not yet paid her increasingly hostile pseudo-landlord raccoon all month , and plans not to pay the animal for August either .
“ I now understand where I went wrong , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ paying a regular ol ’ raccoon when I should ’ ve been paying a tanuki , a Japanese raccoon dog , obviously.
” At press time , the couple has paused their relationship .
Mendoza plans on flying back to her family in Colombia as soon as she ’ s able to find a dodo bird to book her plane ticket .

THORNHILL, ON – Four months after the release of the wildly popular video game Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Leondra Mendoza sat down with her partner to admit to them that she had been making mortgage payments to a raccoon living behind her apartment.
“At the start of quarantine, I didn’t have enough money to get a Nintendo Switch,” said the visibly stressed young woman. “But I still wanted to feel as though I was a part of the cultural conversation! So I started giving envelopes stuffed with cash to a raccoon I saw in a dumpster.”
“In hindsight, it would’ve been cheaper to just get the video game console…”
Mendoza’s partner Sam was rightfully upset when they learned the news. “I entrusted Leondra with bill payments because she seemed to be the more responsible one out of the two of us, but right now, we’re out more than ten grand. I’m too embarrassed to go to a couples therapist with this problem.”
What originally began as Mendoza scrounging the grocery store for turnips and taking fashion advice from her pet hedgehogs, slowly warped into a costly facsimile of the video game. Her partner admitted that they should’ve seen the warning signs when she began showing bugs she caught to an owl in the park.
However, since the beginning of July, Mendoza has been on a mortgage strike. She has not yet paid her increasingly hostile pseudo-landlord raccoon all month, and plans not to pay the animal for August either.
“I now understand where I went wrong,” sighed Mendoza. “My mistake was paying a regular ol’ raccoon when I should’ve been paying a tanuki, a Japanese raccoon dog, obviously.”
At press time, the couple has paused their relationship. Mendoza plans on flying back to her family in Colombia as soon as she’s able to find a dodo bird to book her plane ticket.


thebeaverton--2020-07-25--One Direction reach 10-year anniversary, submit bodies to recycler to make way for fresh crop of hea

One Direction reach 10-year anniversary, submit bodies to recycler to make way for fresh crop of heartthrobs

LOS ANGELES – Hit boy-band One Direction are celebrating their 10-year anniversary this week before surrendering their bodies back to the music industry to be recycled .
The group was assembled during the 2010 edition of The X-Factor TV talent show after judges determined that Harry Styles , Zayn Malik , Liam Paine , and the other two , were too weak to survive alone .
“ We ’ ve all seen how fragile one medium talented teenager can be , ” said producer Simon Cowell , who signed the group to their first contract .
“ But when you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can take over the world.
” One Direction quickly became a global sensation .
Their bright pop sound and unthreatening sexuality garnered a massive following amongst both teenagers and older women who are attracted to teenagers .
Despite their massive success , in 2015 the group reached the end of the industry-standard 5 year boy band shelf life and faced recycling for the first time .
“ It ’ s boilerplate language in every boy band contract , ” said music executive Liz Graydon .
“ Think of O-Town , Westlife , those @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t Ricky Martin .
These groups simply aren ’ t designed to survive that long .
There ’ ve been attempts to extend their lifespans by forcing them to learn instruments , or swapping out members and writing petty diss tracks about them , but the results are generally rejected by humanity.
” “ But One Direction achieved such a profound level of fame it was decided that as a reward they would receive a generous and unprecedented 5 year life extension to pursue solo projects.
” Styles and Malik used their reprieve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and Styles also dabbled in acting .
“ It was great to have the extra time , ” said Malik .
“ You try and use it the best you can , dating supermodels and hoping to become the next Justin Timberlake .
But the world can barely tolerate the current Timberlake .
And living with the stress of knowing you ’ re one flop away from singing the Trolls theme songs just to stay alive ?
Doesn ’ t seem too attractive.
” Styles seemed accepting of his impending recycling in a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fates than a nice clean recycling .
We ’ ve all seen what happens when you choose exile , all those aging heartthrobs wandering the wastes desperately hoping for a reunion tour every decade or so .
If the choice is recycling or becoming the next NKOTBSB , it ’ s not much of a choice , is it ?
” Boy band labels hope that their genetic experiments to make “ perpetual teens ” will one day do away with the current recycling program but say that world governments continue to block @ @ @ @ @ @ @ want to be able to exploit these young people forever , but it ’ s up to fans to change these laws , ” said Graydon .
As farewells and tributes for the band continue to pour in , the music industry was quick to assure One Direction fans that soon there will be freshly hatched replacement groups for the world to devour , and to remind BTS that their clock is ticking .

LOS ANGELES – Hit boy-band One Direction are celebrating their 10-year anniversary this week before surrendering their bodies back to the music industry to be recycled.
The group was assembled during the 2010 edition of The X-Factor TV talent show after judges determined that Harry Styles, Zayn Malik, Liam Paine, and the other two, were too weak to survive alone. “We’ve all seen how fragile one medium talented teenager can be,” said producer Simon Cowell, who signed the group to their first contract. “But when you combine five medium talents, then you can take over the world.”
One Direction quickly became a global sensation. Their bright pop sound and unthreatening sexuality garnered a massive following amongst both teenagers and older women who are attracted to teenagers.
Despite their massive success, in 2015 the group reached the end of the industry-standard 5 year boy band shelf life and faced recycling for the first time.
“It’s boilerplate language in every boy band contract,” said music executive Liz Graydon. “Think of O-Town, Westlife, those 40 kids from Menudo who weren’t Ricky Martin. These groups simply aren’t designed to survive that long. There’ve been attempts to extend their lifespans by forcing them to learn instruments, or swapping out members and writing petty diss tracks about them, but the results are generally rejected by humanity.”
“But One Direction achieved such a profound level of fame it was decided that as a reward they would receive a generous and unprecedented 5 year life extension to pursue solo projects.”
Styles and Malik used their reprieve to release music of their own, and Styles also dabbled in acting. “It was great to have the extra time,” said Malik. “You try and use it the best you can, dating supermodels and hoping to become the next Justin Timberlake. But the world can barely tolerate the current Timberlake. And living with the stress of knowing you’re one flop away from singing the Trolls theme songs just to stay alive? Doesn’t seem too attractive.”
Styles seemed accepting of his impending recycling in a recent interview. “There are worse fates than a nice clean recycling. We’ve all seen what happens when you choose exile, all those aging heartthrobs wandering the wastes desperately hoping for a reunion tour every decade or so. If the choice is recycling or becoming the next NKOTBSB, it’s not much of a choice, is it?”
Boy band labels hope that their genetic experiments to make “perpetual teens” will one day do away with the current recycling program but say that world governments continue to block their research. “Of course we want to be able to exploit these young people forever, but it’s up to fans to change these laws,” said Graydon.
As farewells and tributes for the band continue to pour in, the music industry was quick to assure One Direction fans that soon there will be freshly hatched replacement groups for the world to devour, and to remind BTS that their clock is ticking.


thebeaverton--2020-07-25--“Hey girl, Class of ’08”: 5 ways to tell if the girl from your high school is messaging you about a

“Hey girl, Class of ’08”: 5 ways to tell if the girl from your high school is messaging you about a cult

We ’ ve literally all been there .
You get a new message from someone you haven ’ t talked to in a while .
You open it .
And only then do you realize that it ’ s that girl from your old high school asking you to join the “ cool new cult ” she ’ s a part of .
Here are 5 ways to tell if this is currently happening to you !
1 .
THEY ’ VE SUDDENLY CHANGED THEIR NAME TO ‘ SUNSET DEW FLOWER ’ Their name on all their socials has been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ‘ Sunset Dew Flower.
’ Now anytime anybody references them it has to be in their full name or else they will mutter curses at you from behind their keyboard .
A pretty bad sign if you ask me !
2 .
THEY WERE “ SKEPTICAL TOO ” WHEN SOMEONE FIRST APPROACHED THEM The message starts with the almost obligatory “ I was skeptical too when someone first told me about the idea.
” This is a huge red flag .
Because the next sentence is probably something along the lines of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about all the barn-group-sex and I couldn ’ t say no !
” “ Oh Callum ’ s the best , ” they say .
“ He ’ s like a God .
In fact , I really do believe he is the one true God even though he ’ s only 23 years old and refuses to remove his home made crown of thorns.
” The only person who should be wearing a crown of thorns is a half naked man on a Paris runway at fashion week , or maybe Drake @ @ @ @ @ @ @ MANY EMOJIS It seems like they ’ ve only just discovered emojis .
And what ’ s more is they ’ re using emojis you ’ ve never even heard of ; like the your-family-doesn ’ t-love-you-anymore emoji or the devil-is-inside-of-you emoji or the we ’ re-your-forever-family-now-isn ’ t-that-swell emoji .
Super creepy my dear readers and another red flag-amundo !
5 .
THEY CALL THE FILM “ MIDSOMMAR ” AN INSPIRATION They seem to be into the 2019 movie “ Midsommar ” in a big way .
They keep asking if they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s white because their clothes always seem to be covered in blood .
What ’ s worse is , they won ’ t stop sending you a bunch of Google Calendar invites to human sacrifices .
Sage your laptop and unsubscribe now !

We’ve literally all been there. You get a new message from someone you haven’t talked to in a while. You open it. And only then do you realize that it’s that girl from your old high school asking you to join the “cool new cult” she’s a part of. Here are 5 ways to tell if this is currently happening to you!
1. THEY’VE SUDDENLY CHANGED THEIR NAME TO ‘SUNSET DEW FLOWER’
Their name on all their socials has been changed to, the very clunky sounding, ‘Sunset Dew Flower.’ Now anytime anybody references them it has to be in their full name or else they will mutter curses at you from behind their keyboard. A pretty bad sign if you ask me!
2. THEY WERE “SKEPTICAL TOO” WHEN SOMEONE FIRST APPROACHED THEM
The message starts with the almost obligatory “I was skeptical too when someone first told me about the idea.” This is a huge red flag. Because the next sentence is probably something along the lines of, “But then I was told about all the barn-group-sex and I couldn’t say no!”
3. THEY’RE CONSTANTLY REFERENCING SOME GUY NAMED CALLUM
“Oh Callum’s the best,” they say. “He’s like a God. In fact, I really do believe he is the one true God even though he’s only 23 years old and refuses to remove his home made crown of thorns.” The only person who should be wearing a crown of thorns is a half naked man on a Paris runway at fashion week, or maybe Drake.
4. THEY USE WAY TOO MANY EMOJIS
It seems like they’ve only just discovered emojis. And what’s more is they’re using emojis you’ve never even heard of; like the your-family-doesn’t-love-you-anymore emoji or the devil-is-inside-of-you emoji or the we’re-your-forever-family-now-isn’t-that-swell emoji. Super creepy my dear readers and another red flag-amundo!
5. THEY CALL THE FILM “MIDSOMMAR” AN INSPIRATION
They seem to be into the 2019 movie “Midsommar” in a big way. They keep asking if they can borrow anything you have that’s white because their clothes always seem to be covered in blood. What’s worse is, they won’t stop sending you a bunch of Google Calendar invites to human sacrifices. Sage your laptop and unsubscribe now!


thebeaverton--2020-07-28--2020 Song of Summer is your colleagues yelling “You’re on mute!”

TORONTO , ON – After several weeks of indecision , it was finally revealed that the official 2020 summer song is your colleagues yelling “ You ’ re On Mute !
” Sure to be a classic for years to come , “ You ’ re On Mute ” by your seething teammates , soared to popularity in the last few months following a phenomenon of gainfully employed , contemporary people still somehow baffled by user-friendly technology .
The search for a summer song had been deadlocked with no serious contenders , presumably because every artist has been too preoccupied @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and generally just not vibing with this rolling dumpster fire of a year .
“ This song is mad edgy compared to past summer beats , but damn does this track feel on-brand for 2020 ” , says music expert , DJay Fromaggio , adding that he ’ s now “ got that shit on repeat.
” Uniting every household with it ’ s simple , catchy chorus , “ You ’ re On Mute ” skyrocketed from # 2,492 to the most annoyingly relevant song of our generation , even inspiring the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” a seemingly desperate scramble to figure out how to use this damn thing .
The song is so popular it has already been remixed into many unique versions , including “ No one can hear you ” ft. overly aggressive Linda , “ iS yOuR mIc TuRnEd On ?
!
” ft. your dumbass manager Jordan and his incessantly barking dog , and “ it ’ s the bottom left , check the bottom left corner of your screen .
look for the microphone with the red line , OH MY @ @ @ @ @ @ @ AT THE BOTTOM LEFT , ” ft. you talking to your mom .
While some think it might be a one-hit-wonder , Thandie Bridgestone , a long time local video caller , disagrees .
“ You ’ re On Mute has been around for quite some time in corporate culture but mainstream audiences have once again adopted and appropriated its use for things like virtual happy hours and open mics ?
Nonetheless , it ’ s a fucking banger , ” she said , adding that it has all the key makings of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ artist incessantly yelling “ I CAN ’ T HEAR YOU ” to an increasingly hoarse and fatigued audience .
While some approve of the decision to make “ You ’ re On Mute ” the official 2020 anthem , others , like Cindee Clarke , have heard enough .
“ I would rather listen to Carly Rae Jepson ’ s “ Call Me Maybe ” on repeat than hear one additional person on the call share their unsolicited opinions.
” She went on to go on to express disappointment that the song of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Just Go On Mute ?
”

TORONTO, ON – After several weeks of indecision, it was finally revealed that the official 2020 summer song is your colleagues yelling “You’re On Mute!” Sure to be a classic for years to come, “You’re On Mute” by your seething teammates, soared to popularity in the last few months following a phenomenon of gainfully employed, contemporary people still somehow baffled by user-friendly technology.
The search for a summer song had been deadlocked with no serious contenders, presumably because every artist has been too preoccupied with avoiding coronavirus, ending racism, and generally just not vibing with this rolling dumpster fire of a year. “This song is mad edgy compared to past summer beats, but damn does this track feel on-brand for 2020”, says music expert, DJay Fromaggio, adding that he’s now “got that shit on repeat.”
Uniting every household with it’s simple, catchy chorus, “You’re On Mute” skyrocketed from #2,492 to the most annoyingly relevant song of our generation, even inspiring the new summer dance move “The Unmute,” a seemingly desperate scramble to figure out how to use this damn thing. The song is so popular it has already been remixed into many unique versions, including “No one can hear you” ft. overly aggressive Linda, “iS yOuR mIc TuRnEd On?!” ft. your dumbass manager Jordan and his incessantly barking dog, and “it’s the bottom left, check the bottom left corner of your screen. look for the microphone with the red line, OH MY GOD, IT’S RIGHT THERE AT THE BOTTOM LEFT,” ft. you talking to your mom.
While some think it might be a one-hit-wonder, Thandie Bridgestone, a long time local video caller, disagrees. “You’re On Mute has been around for quite some time in corporate culture but mainstream audiences have once again adopted and appropriated its use for things like virtual happy hours and open mics? Nonetheless, it’s a fucking banger,” she said, adding that it has all the key makings of a great summer song, including the artist incessantly yelling “I CAN’T HEAR YOU” to an increasingly hoarse and fatigued audience.
While some approve of the decision to make “You’re On Mute” the official 2020 anthem, others, like Cindee Clarke, have heard enough. “I would rather listen to Carly Rae Jepson’s “Call Me Maybe” on repeat than hear one additional person on the call share their unsolicited opinions.” She went on to go on to express disappointment that the song of Summer was not, “Can Everybody Just Go On Mute?”


thebeaverton--2020-07-28--Kielburgers start ethics committee testimony by asking if MPs want to donate to WE Charity

OTTAWA – In their opening statements before the committee investigating alleged conflicts of interest between them and Justin Trudeau in the awarding of the student grant program , Craig and Marc Kielburger asked MPs if they would consider making a small donation to WE Charity .
“ I know we are here to discuss serious allegations of fiscal impropriety , ” said Craig .
“ But let me just ask : don ’ t you want to free the children ?
” “ Because for only a few dollars a day you could end child labour in India AND help @ @ @ @ @ @ @ estate , ” he added .
The brothers then detailed all the perks of donating to WE , including knowing you are making a difference , a free coffee mug , and wielding a huge amount of influence over the politicians whose family you are keeping employed .
“ That ’ s a very good question , ” said Marc later in response to a question about the murky relationship between We Charity and it ’ s for profit spinoff Me To We .
“ And I think the best way I can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your credit card information so we can start a monthly contribution .
The amount will be so small you won ’ t even notice !
” When they finally began talking about the allegations that they paid off Trudeau family members both brothers were adamant that a few hundred thousand to hear all of Margaret Trudeau ’ s stories about the Rolling Stones and Studio 54 was “ a total bargain .
”

OTTAWA – In their opening statements before the committee investigating alleged conflicts of interest between them and Justin Trudeau in the awarding of the student grant program, Craig and Marc Kielburger asked MPs if they would consider making a small donation to WE Charity.
“I know we are here to discuss serious allegations of fiscal impropriety,” said Craig. “But let me just ask: don’t you want to free the children?”
“Because for only a few dollars a day you could end child labour in India AND help us continue buying up prime Toronto real estate,” he added.
The brothers then detailed all the perks of donating to WE, including knowing you are making a difference, a free coffee mug, and wielding a huge amount of influence over the politicians whose family you are keeping employed.
“That’s a very good question,” said Marc later in response to a question about the murky relationship between We Charity and it’s for profit spinoff Me To We. “And I think the best way I can answer that would be to ask for your credit card information so we can start a monthly contribution. The amount will be so small you won’t even notice!”
When they finally began talking about the allegations that they paid off Trudeau family members both brothers were adamant that a few hundred thousand to hear all of Margaret Trudeau’s stories about the Rolling Stones and Studio 54 was “a total bargain.”