thebeaverton--2020-06-14--Local man exhausted after spending whole day accomplishing nothing

CAMPBELLTON , NB – When Local man Jared Thursby ’ s head hit the pillow last night , it was with the weary satisfaction of a day well spent accomplishing absolutely nothing .
Thursby , recently laid off from his job as a restaurant manager , spent the first few hours of his day trying to homeschool his son Ethan , whose real school was closed because of the coronavirus pandemic .
After spending two hours trying to remember algebra , Jared made a deal with his son that he could play video games for the rest of the day @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he passed grade 3 .
Thursby then proceeded to embark on a mission to reorganize the shelves in his garage , an impulse which manifested in the man standing on a ladder for 45 minutes scrolling through the news on his phone and twice composing facebook posts that he proceeded to delete .
“ There ’ s nothing better than going over your to-do list at the end of the day , ” said Thursby , “ and ticking zero boxes before hitting the hay .
I mean , I definitely feel tired @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , right ?
” After throwing his latest failed attempt at ‘ bread ’ in the garbage , Thursby told his wife he was going for a run , only to stand on his front porch in running gear for 90 minutes looking at his phone and trying to process more horrifying news from around the world .
After vowing to reduce his news intake , Jared stared at his wife and son for 10 minutes and considered either helping his son with his video game or having sex with his wife , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as accomplishments .
He then proceeded to go to the bathroom and masturbate .
“ I ’ ll give him one thing , he is very busy all the time , ” said Jared ’ s wife , Samantha .
“ Sure , the housework is piling up and he is not bringing in any money , or even making his novel any better despite all the editing he ’ s doing , but he sleeps well.
” At press time , Thursby had fallen asleep at his desk , his face resting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ word “ GOALS ” underlined on it .

CAMPBELLTON, NB – When Local man Jared Thursby’s head hit the pillow last night, it was with the weary satisfaction of a day well spent accomplishing absolutely nothing.
Thursby, recently laid off from his job as a restaurant manager, spent the first few hours of his day trying to homeschool his son Ethan, whose real school was closed because of the coronavirus pandemic. After spending two hours trying to remember algebra, Jared made a deal with his son that he could play video games for the rest of the day if he stopped asking his father how he passed grade 3.
Thursby then proceeded to embark on a mission to reorganize the shelves in his garage, an impulse which manifested in the man standing on a ladder for 45 minutes scrolling through the news on his phone and twice composing facebook posts that he proceeded to delete.
“There’s nothing better than going over your to-do list at the end of the day,” said Thursby, “and ticking zero boxes before hitting the hay. I mean, I definitely feel tired, so, something must be happening, right?”
After throwing his latest failed attempt at ‘bread’ in the garbage, Thursby told his wife he was going for a run, only to stand on his front porch in running gear for 90 minutes looking at his phone and trying to process more horrifying news from around the world. After vowing to reduce his news intake, Jared stared at his wife and son for 10 minutes and considered either helping his son with his video game or having sex with his wife, and debated whether these activities would count as accomplishments. He then proceeded to go to the bathroom and masturbate.
“I’ll give him one thing, he is very busy all the time,” said Jared’s wife, Samantha. “Sure, the housework is piling up and he is not bringing in any money, or even making his novel any better despite all the editing he’s doing, but he sleeps well.”
At press time, Thursby had fallen asleep at his desk, his face resting on a yellow legal pad with the word “GOALS” underlined on it.


thebeaverton--2020-06-14--Children forced to sit through online church service can’t even fantasize about going home

THE LIVING ROOM – As the Dobson family sits through a Zoom stream of their weekly church service , children Max , Ashley , and Timothy report being robbed of even their usual fantasy of finishing church and getting to return home .
“ It ’ s so much worse , ” reports Max , 12 , of having to sit quietly and still on his family ’ s sofa as if it were a regular church pew .
“ My Nintendo Switch is sitting right across the room , taunting me .
I could be playing it right now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about how Jesus would have worn a protective mask.
” Prior to pandemic lockdowns , research shows the most popular activity among church going children was to actively fantasize about how nice it would be to leave church and go home – a fantasy that has been rendered utterly moot with the introduction of streaming online at-home religious services .
Adding to the discomfort , online services are at least 30 minutes longer , due to the difficulties Rev .
MacLeavy routinely has getting the Zoom call to work .
“ Plus Mom @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Triscuits as the eucharist , ” explained a visibly grossed-out Max .
The service then stopped to direct all of the viewers to the church ’ s PayPal , to send along money for collection .
“ I only used to last through church by imagining all the fun I ’ d get to have after church , ” recalled Ashley , 7 .
“ Rushing home and then going to play with my friends , which good luck nowadays .
Maybe I ’ d even imagine us getting to go to Dairy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a no-go these days.
” “ Now I ’ m just alone with my thoughts .
And Church , ” sighed Ashley as was cajoled to join an out-of-sync hymnal .
Reportedly , most of the Dobson ’ s fellow parishioners have been allowed to enjoy their Sundays since the suspension of in-person church services .
However , the Dobson children report being forced to sit quietly on their own living room sofa , at 9am every Sunday morning , since mid-March .
To add insult to injury , their parents , Cherie @ @ @ @ @ @ @ enforce their usual Sunday morning dress code despite never leaving the house .
“ Why do I even have to put on a nice dress ?
The Zoom call is only one-way .
They can ’ t even see us , ” added a visibly uncomfortable and pig-tailed Ashley .
Attending church at home has also ruined any plans that Timothy , 8 , had to escape to the basement washroom during church .
“ That would usually eat up a good 10 minutes , ” reported Timothy , “ but here at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Stupid online church.
” At press time , despite the service ending Rev .
MacLeavy is asking if parishioners would like to stick around with him on the Zoom call and play Jackbox games .

THE LIVING ROOM – As the Dobson family sits through a Zoom stream of their weekly church service, children Max, Ashley, and Timothy report being robbed of even their usual fantasy of finishing church and getting to return home.
“It’s so much worse,” reports Max, 12, of having to sit quietly and still on his family’s sofa as if it were a regular church pew. “My Nintendo Switch is sitting right across the room, taunting me. I could be playing it right now, instead of listening to this sermon about how Jesus would have worn a protective mask.”
Prior to pandemic lockdowns, research shows the most popular activity among church going children was to actively fantasize about how nice it would be to leave church and go home – a fantasy that has been rendered utterly moot with the introduction of streaming online at-home religious services.
Adding to the discomfort, online services are at least 30 minutes longer, due to the difficulties Rev. MacLeavy routinely has getting the Zoom call to work. “Plus Mom keeps offering us Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits as the eucharist,” explained a visibly grossed-out Max.
The service then stopped to direct all of the viewers to the church’s PayPal, to send along money for collection.
“I only used to last through church by imagining all the fun I’d get to have after church,” recalled Ashley, 7. “Rushing home and then going to play with my friends, which good luck nowadays. Maybe I’d even imagine us getting to go to Dairy Queen after church, which is also a no-go these days.”
“Now I’m just alone with my thoughts. And Church,” sighed Ashley as was cajoled to join an out-of-sync hymnal.
Reportedly, most of the Dobson’s fellow parishioners have been allowed to enjoy their Sundays since the suspension of in-person church services. However, the Dobson children report being forced to sit quietly on their own living room sofa, at 9am every Sunday morning, since mid-March. To add insult to injury, their parents, Cherie and George Dobson, have continued to enforce their usual Sunday morning dress code despite never leaving the house.
“Why do I even have to put on a nice dress? The Zoom call is only one-way. They can’t even see us,” added a visibly uncomfortable and pig-tailed Ashley.
Attending church at home has also ruined any plans that Timothy, 8, had to escape to the basement washroom during church. “That would usually eat up a good 10 minutes,” reported Timothy, “but here at home the bathroom is just over there. Stupid online church.”
At press time, despite the service ending Rev. MacLeavy is asking if parishioners would like to stick around with him on the Zoom call and play Jackbox games.


thebeaverton--2020-06-15--Nation’s grandmas ready to bust through the glass and kiss some fucking grandkids

CANADA – The country ’ s Grandma ’ s , Bubbies , Oma ’ s , Nai Nai ’ s , Abuela ’ s and Nonna ’ s are collectively sick of these COVID-19 ‘ through the glass visits ’ preventing them from kissing their fucking grandkids .
“ Talking to my grandson Tyson through the door just isn ’ t doing it for me .
I need to plant a big , fat , wet one on him , I need it like medicine , ” stated a wild-eyed Wendy Gibson of Fredericton , NB as she wrapped a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ residences across the country , Grandmothers are frothing at the mouth , grabbing chairs , croquet mallets , and CPAP machines to throw through the glass separating them from their beloved grandkids .
“ Sure , it ’ s nice to see them through the window but it ’ s simply not enough , ” noted Debra Cheng who , with several other residents , hoisted a long table and counted down from three before smashing it into the large dining hall windows .
Many Grandmothers have reported other disturbing effects of their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ muscles atrophying ; their inability to slide 5 dollar bills into their Grandkids coats ; and being unable to force margarine containers filled with weird soup on their family members .
“ We don ’ t have to worry about exposing ourselves .
We ’ ve knitted face masks and entire hazmats out of a very dense wool , ” stated a slightly muffled Eileen Woodrow , spitting wool out of her mouth .
According to reports , 9 out of 10 Canadian Grandmothers are absolutely sick of this shit , noting that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spend their senior years planting sloppy , lipstick covered kisses on their grandchildren at every possible opportunity .
“ I ’ d even kiss my son Bill ’ s freaky daughter with the greasy bangs and the pagan necklace , ” stated Mildred Jackson of Calgary , AB who does not like her son Bill ’ s daughter .
At press time , Grandmothers across the country were heard screaming , “ HOLD ME BACK AGNES , HOLD ME BACK .
”

CANADA – The country’s Grandma’s, Bubbies, Oma’s, Nai Nai’s, Abuela’s and Nonna’s are collectively sick of these COVID-19 ‘through the glass visits’ preventing them from kissing their fucking grandkids.
“Talking to my grandson Tyson through the door just isn’t doing it for me. I need to plant a big, fat, wet one on him, I need it like medicine,” stated a wild-eyed Wendy Gibson of Fredericton, NB as she wrapped a towel around her hand.
In retirement residences across the country, Grandmothers are frothing at the mouth, grabbing chairs, croquet mallets, and CPAP machines to throw through the glass separating them from their beloved grandkids.
“Sure, it’s nice to see them through the window but it’s simply not enough,” noted Debra Cheng who, with several other residents, hoisted a long table and counted down from three before smashing it into the large dining hall windows.
Many Grandmothers have reported other disturbing effects of their isolation, including: their cheek pinching muscles atrophying; their inability to slide 5 dollar bills into their Grandkids coats; and being unable to force margarine containers filled with weird soup on their family members.
“We don’t have to worry about exposing ourselves. We’ve knitted face masks and entire hazmats out of a very dense wool,” stated a slightly muffled Eileen Woodrow, spitting wool out of her mouth.
According to reports, 9 out of 10 Canadian Grandmothers are absolutely sick of this shit, noting that the virus completely interrupts their plans to spend their senior years planting sloppy, lipstick covered kisses on their grandchildren at every possible opportunity.
“I’d even kiss my son Bill’s freaky daughter with the greasy bangs and the pagan necklace,” stated Mildred Jackson of Calgary, AB who does not like her son Bill’s daughter.
At press time, Grandmothers across the country were heard screaming, “HOLD ME BACK AGNES, HOLD ME BACK.”


thebeaverton--2020-06-15--Maple Leaf Foods unveils new burger that’s 99% plant protein, 1% giant panda

Mississauga , ON – After successfully launching the 50/50 burger , a patty that is 50 % animal protein and 50 % plants , Maple Leaf Foods has unveiled their new creation : the 99 , a burger that is 99 % plant based protein and 1 % endangered panda meat .
“ As the 50/50 burger proved : If there is one thing vegans love it ’ s people eating meat , and if there is one thing meat eaters love it ’ s vegetables , ” said representative Kylie Kreischer .
“ So we thought why not go @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all plants , except for a small little bit that is made from one of the most beloved endangered animals on the face of the earth.
” “ You won ’ t even taste the panda , but in your heart you ’ ll know it was in there , ” she added .
The new burger , which retails for $ 399.99 , is expected to be released in stores nationwide this month .
Experts think there will be a lot of interest , primarily from people on social media going “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Maple Leaf Foods has not yet advised where the panda meat is coming from , although the San Diego Zoo did advise that its two most popular pandas ( Ling Ling and Coco ) have been missing for months .
“ Sure , we may face some criminal charges .
But the important thing is that we help people who want to eat less meat , but aren ’ t just willing to like , cut their burger in half or something , ” said Kreischer .
Maple Leaf Foods is also excited @ @ @ @ @ @ @ product , a 4 pack of burgers where 3 are vegan and one is beef , and you can ’ t tell which is which until you bite into it !

Mississauga, ON – After successfully launching the 50/50 burger, a patty that is 50% animal protein and 50% plants, Maple Leaf Foods has unveiled their new creation: the 99, a burger that is 99% plant based protein and 1% endangered panda meat.
“As the 50/50 burger proved: If there is one thing vegans love it’s people eating meat, and if there is one thing meat eaters love it’s vegetables,” said representative Kylie Kreischer. “So we thought why not go even further and have it be almost all plants, except for a small little bit that is made from one of the most beloved endangered animals on the face of the earth.”
“You won’t even taste the panda, but in your heart you’ll know it was in there,” she added.
The new burger, which retails for $399.99, is expected to be released in stores nationwide this month. Experts think there will be a lot of interest, primarily from people on social media going “what the fuck is this?”
Maple Leaf Foods has not yet advised where the panda meat is coming from, although the San Diego Zoo did advise that its two most popular pandas (Ling Ling and Coco) have been missing for months.
“Sure, we may face some criminal charges. But the important thing is that we help people who want to eat less meat, but aren’t just willing to like, cut their burger in half or something,” said Kreischer.
Maple Leaf Foods is also excited for their new ‘Burger Roulette’ product, a 4 pack of burgers where 3 are vegan and one is beef, and you can’t tell which is which until you bite into it!


thebeaverton--2020-06-16--Aspiring writer makes it to screenwriting competition finals with 19,000 others

Fort McMurray , AB – Gallons of Dom Perignon were smashed with wanton destruction upon many a hypothetical yacht hull when local self-described ‘ Jack Carowak ’ Roger Pithy announced he had progressed to the final round of online screenwriting competition ‘ The Earnest Hemingways ’ alongside 19,000 other pathetic idiots .
Pithy , an aspiring screenwriter and one of those guys that slacklines at parks , ruined his wife ’ s breakfast when he revealed his feature-length erotic sci-fi adaptation of ‘ Death of a Salesman ’ will be a further topic of conversation in the marriage .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ work I ’ ve done , ” he lamented .
“ Making Willy a power bottom for Bitcoin investors was really biting commentary – I really think I ’ ve got a shot at this.
” Seated in front of his Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas poster that wasn ’ t allowed in the living room , Pith says he ’ s only spent eight thousand dollars on entry fees thus far .
“ I had to sell my wife ’ s sleep apnea machine , and start an Onlyfans account that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I couldn ’ t turn down the opportunity to be judged by this year ’ s jury ; Carrot Top , one of Bryan Singer ’ s Basement Twinks , and a pencil that was chewed on by Steven King ’ s dog .
Lucky for me , they extended the deadline 84 times.
” Fellow writer Kevin Shooms , dead from the neck up , said that if it wasn ’ t for Hemingways his screenplay for The Irishman would have never been made .
“ I ’ m incredibly thankful , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it ” .
When asked why Piths ‘ Death of a Salesman ’ screenplay made the cut , representatives from thehemingways.net had this to say : “ This domain is no longer valid , sign up for a GoDaddy site today !
”

Fort McMurray, AB – Gallons of Dom Perignon were smashed with wanton destruction upon many a hypothetical yacht hull when local self-described ‘Jack Carowak’ Roger Pithy announced he had progressed to the final round of online screenwriting competition ‘The Earnest Hemingways’ alongside 19,000 other pathetic idiots.
Pithy, an aspiring screenwriter and one of those guys that slacklines at parks, ruined his wife’s breakfast when he revealed his feature-length erotic sci-fi adaptation of ‘Death of a Salesman’ will be a further topic of conversation in the marriage. “I’m really proud of the work I’ve done,” he lamented. “Making Willy a power bottom for Bitcoin investors was really biting commentary – I really think I’ve got a shot at this.”
Seated in front of his Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas poster that wasn’t allowed in the living room, Pith says he’s only spent eight thousand dollars on entry fees thus far.
“I had to sell my wife’s sleep apnea machine, and start an Onlyfans account that’s just my gnomes, but I couldn’t turn down the opportunity to be judged by this year’s jury; Carrot Top, one of Bryan Singer’s Basement Twinks, and a pencil that was chewed on by Steven King’s dog. Lucky for me, they extended the deadline 84 times.”
Fellow writer Kevin Shooms, dead from the neck up, said that if it wasn’t for Hemingways his screenplay for The Irishman would have never been made. “I’m incredibly thankful, even though technically speaking, they stole it”.
When asked why Piths ‘Death of a Salesman’ screenplay made the cut, representatives from thehemingways.net had this to say: “This domain is no longer valid, sign up for a GoDaddy site today!”


thebeaverton--2020-06-16--After careful deliberation, local man ready to deliver opinion no one asked for on Black Lives Matte

After careful deliberation, local man ready to deliver opinion no one asked for on Black Lives Matter movement

Morden , MB – Local man Henry Gittner has finally answered the non-existent calls for him to provide his opinion on the Black Lives Matter movement and police brutality by writing a lengthy facebook post .
“ After consideration , reflection and a fair bit of meditation on the issue , I finally feel ready to speak on this very important subject matter , ” said Gittner , under the impression the world has been waiting for him to enlighten them on the subject .
“ Quickly , I just want to mention some of the books and periodicals that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this matter , ” he added before spending 3 paragraphs listing books and articles that he has for sure not read .
Glittner , who has no academic expertise or life experience in the area proceeded to spend 1,000 words reviewing his reaction to recent events as they unfolded , the moral issues and quandaries they present , as well as what he believes “ the great philosophers ” like Kant and Hegel would have to say about it .
All in service of an opinion that basically boils down to the same @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t like riots ” take that every white centrist has been spouting since the first protests began .
“ You probably haven ’ t heard of this writer named James Baldwin but I think he makes some important points , ” wrote Gittner at one point .
Gittner concluded that “ at the end of the day , we just need to learn to love each other.
” At press time Gittner ’ s post has 2 likes 0 shares and 1 comment from his aunt asking how his sister was doing .

Morden, MB – Local man Henry Gittner has finally answered the non-existent calls for him to provide his opinion on the Black Lives Matter movement and police brutality by writing a lengthy facebook post.
“After consideration, reflection and a fair bit of meditation on the issue, I finally feel ready to speak on this very important subject matter,” said Gittner, under the impression the world has been waiting for him to enlighten them on the subject.
“Quickly, I just want to mention some of the books and periodicals that informed me on my quest to understand this matter,” he added before spending 3 paragraphs listing books and articles that he has for sure not read.
Glittner, who has no academic expertise or life experience in the area proceeded to spend 1,000 words reviewing his reaction to recent events as they unfolded, the moral issues and quandaries they present, as well as what he believes “the great philosophers” like Kant and Hegel would have to say about it. All in service of an opinion that basically boils down to the same “racism bad but I don’t like riots” take that every white centrist has been spouting since the first protests began.
“You probably haven’t heard of this writer named James Baldwin but I think he makes some important points,” wrote Gittner at one point.
Gittner concluded that “at the end of the day, we just need to learn to love each other.”
At press time Gittner’s post has 2 likes 0 shares and 1 comment from his aunt asking how his sister was doing.


thebeaverton--2020-06-16--Government urges Canadians worried about maxing out CERB payments to become police officers, get sus

Government urges Canadians worried about maxing out CERB payments to become police officers, get suspended with pay

OTTAWA — With Canada Emergency Response Benefit ( CERB ) payments set to end for many Canadians , the government is encouraging anyone with financial concerns to get hired as a police officer , engage in illegal and unethical conduct , and get suspended with pay .
“ As conditions change , we want to transition Canadians out of CERB and back into the workforce , but it ’ s still important to stay home as much as possible , ” explained Employment Minister Carla Qualtrough .
“ So we ’ re urging anyone who still needs financial support to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ police force and do a big crime.
” The new program has several advantages over CERB , as it will allow recipients to continue social distancing while receiving over $ 8000 per month , with the 16 week benefits period being extended to however long it takes to be convicted of a criminal offence and jailed .
“ This is a huge relief , ” said Lihn Tran , a bartender who will see her CERB benefits end on July 4 .
“ I wasn ’ t sure how to cover rent next @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I have to do is become a cop and then get caught drug trafficking .
I ’ ll even get a pension !
” Pilot programs across the country have been running successfully for years .
The undeniable star is Toronto officer Ioan-Florin Floria , who was arrested for links to organized crime in 2007 and has been receiving a full salary ever since , allowing him to protect those around him from COVID-19 a full 12 years before it existed .
Other recent cases include a Halifax officer who stole from a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ firearm , a Toronto officer who extorted debt payments while in uniform , and three Ottawa officers who ran a tow-truck kickback scheme .
New applicants are encouraged to follow these examples while avoiding violent crimes , as those don ’ t often result in suspension .
But some claimants have raised reservations : “ What if I become a cop and they change the rules so officers who commit crimes no longer get paid ?
” asked school custodian Jim Adams before laughing for 10 minutes straight .
In related news , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ payments but has yet to reveal details on what crimes Canadians must commit to qualify .

OTTAWA — With Canada Emergency Response Benefit (CERB) payments set to end for many Canadians, the government is encouraging anyone with financial concerns to get hired as a police officer, engage in illegal and unethical conduct, and get suspended with pay.
“As conditions change, we want to transition Canadians out of CERB and back into the workforce, but it’s still important to stay home as much as possible,” explained Employment Minister Carla Qualtrough. “So we’re urging anyone who still needs financial support to get on the payroll of their local police force and do a big crime.”
The new program has several advantages over CERB, as it will allow recipients to continue social distancing while receiving over $8000 per month, with the 16 week benefits period being extended to however long it takes to be convicted of a criminal offence and jailed.
“This is a huge relief,” said Lihn Tran, a bartender who will see her CERB benefits end on July 4. “I wasn’t sure how to cover rent next month, but it turns out all I have to do is become a cop and then get caught drug trafficking. I’ll even get a pension!”
Pilot programs across the country have been running successfully for years. The undeniable star is Toronto officer Ioan-Florin Floria, who was arrested for links to organized crime in 2007 and has been receiving a full salary ever since, allowing him to protect those around him from COVID-19 a full 12 years before it existed.
Other recent cases include a Halifax officer who stole from a grocery store while in possession of a firearm, a Toronto officer who extorted debt payments while in uniform, and three Ottawa officers who ran a tow-truck kickback scheme. New applicants are encouraged to follow these examples while avoiding violent crimes, as those don’t often result in suspension.
But some claimants have raised reservations: “What if I become a cop and they change the rules so officers who commit crimes no longer get paid?” asked school custodian Jim Adams before laughing for 10 minutes straight.
In related news, Justin Trudeau has committed to extending CERB payments but has yet to reveal details on what crimes Canadians must commit to qualify.


thebeaverton--2020-06-17--Quarantined fuckboi texts “U up?” endlessly into the void

TORONTO – Since Coronavirus hit , local fuckboi Harold Borowitz , better known by self-proclaimed nickname “ DJ Quicksand XII ” , has reportedly sent so many unanswered “ U up ?
” texts that time and space have lost all meaning for him .
“ I ’ ve tried texts , DMs , and screaming into the black abyss , but not one chick has been DTF , ” said Borowitz , 23 , his fingers moving effortlessly between the “ u ” and “ p ” keys of the Nokia burner phone his long-distance girlfriend doesn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not like I have a 100 % success rate , but I can usually bag 1 out of 3 hoes if I cast a wide enough net.
” Things went south after Borowitz was laid off from his regular bartending gig .
Forced to cancel his Netflix subscription , he could no longer entice women with an offer to “ Netflix and chill.
” He added his body temperature to his Tinder bio , updating it in-real-time , but was shocked to find that no matches would risk a deadly illness for his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” though these dick-related claims remain unverified .
Borowitz said he had no choice but to double down on the classic “ U up ?
” strategy , going weeks without sleeping , showering , or fashioning his hair into a man bun .
That ’ s when outputting a constant stream of texts became the entire purpose of his conscious existence .
“ I considered taking a hiatus , but if I ’ m not texting ‘ U up ?
’ who am I ?
” said Borowitz .
“ Then @ @ @ @ @ @ @ U up ?
’ in the forest and no one ’ s there to hear it , does it even count toward his street cred with the boys ?
Shit , I ’ m basically Socrates.
” Friends and family have expressed growing concern for Borowitz ’ s wellbeing .
His mom , Helen , said he already suffered from severe carpal tunnel syndrome before the lockdown .
“ I texted him to ask if I should drop off masks .
All he replied was , ‘ U up ?
’ ” she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what he was talking about .
It was 1 in the afternoon.
” Borowitz , who confirmed he “ can ’ t feel his fingers , ” admitted he ’ s not sure if he ’ s been quarantined for one hour or 72 years , nor is he certain other people still exist .
For now , he ’ s focused on spreading his message that , “ as much as COVID-19 impacts front-line workers , it ’ s also a total cock block.
” “ Each time I text a hot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ resounding silence from deep within the vastness of the void .
And , for a moment , I think , ‘ Maybe there ’ s more to life than banging bitches ?
Am I the one who was meant to be awake this whole time ?
’ ” he said .
“ But then I think then , ‘ Nah .
Try one more.
’ ” Eventually , Borowitz did receive a message that “ screwed him good.
” It was a Rogers alert for this month ’ s phone bill .
At @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 5,657 in overage charges .

TORONTO – Since Coronavirus hit, local fuckboi Harold Borowitz, better known by self-proclaimed nickname “DJ Quicksand XII”, has reportedly sent so many unanswered “U up?” texts that time and space have lost all meaning for him.
“I’ve tried texts, DMs, and screaming into the black abyss, but not one chick has been DTF,” said Borowitz, 23, his fingers moving effortlessly between the “u” and “p” keys of the Nokia burner phone his long-distance girlfriend doesn’t know about. “It’s not like I have a 100% success rate, but I can usually bag 1 out of 3 hoes if I cast a wide enough net.”
Things went south after Borowitz was laid off from his regular bartending gig. Forced to cancel his Netflix subscription, he could no longer entice women with an offer to “Netflix and chill.” He added his body temperature to his Tinder bio, updating it in-real-time, but was shocked to find that no matches would risk a deadly illness for his “dick that won’t quit,” though these dick-related claims remain unverified.
Borowitz said he had no choice but to double down on the classic “U up?” strategy, going weeks without sleeping, showering, or fashioning his hair into a man bun. That’s when outputting a constant stream of texts became the entire purpose of his conscious existence.
“I considered taking a hiatus, but if I’m not texting ‘U up?’ who am I?” said Borowitz. “Then again, if a man texts ‘U up?’ in the forest and no one’s there to hear it, does it even count toward his street cred with the boys? Shit, I’m basically Socrates.”
Friends and family have expressed growing concern for Borowitz’s wellbeing. His mom, Helen, said he already suffered from severe carpal tunnel syndrome before the lockdown. “I texted him to ask if I should drop off masks. All he replied was, ‘U up?’” she said. “I had no idea what he was talking about. It was 1 in the afternoon.”
Borowitz, who confirmed he “can’t feel his fingers,” admitted he’s not sure if he’s been quarantined for one hour or 72 years, nor is he certain other people still exist. For now, he’s focused on spreading his message that, “as much as COVID-19 impacts front-line workers, it’s also a total cock block.”
“Each time I text a hot girl, I’m met with resounding silence from deep within the vastness of the void. And, for a moment, I think, ‘Maybe there’s more to life than banging bitches? Am I the one who was meant to be awake this whole time?’” he said. “But then I think then, ‘Nah. Try one more.’”
Eventually, Borowitz did receive a message that “screwed him good.” It was a Rogers alert for this month’s phone bill. At press time, he had incurred $5,657 in overage charges.


thebeaverton--2020-06-17--Canada directed to sit at UN kids table

Canada directed to sit at UN kids table

NEW YORK CITY- After a long awaited period of deliberation at the United Nations table committee , Canada has once again been instructed to sit at the kids table during the UN security dinner .
“ This is bullpucky !
” exclaimed the nation , “ this is the second time in a row we ’ ve had to sit at the Fisher-Price rainbow bench !
We spent 2.3 million dollars on frickin ’ potato salad !
All that time and effort for nothing !
This blows.
” The coveted invitation to spend the next two years sitting with the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ object of the country ’ s grubby , syrup-stained mitts since being sat down and told they weren ’ t big enough to sit at the adult ’ s table in 2010 .
“ I mean they SAY they ’ ve got good intentions but honestly their behaviour lately hasn ’ t been very mature .
I heard they traded a BB gun to that Saudi Arabia for some chocolate toonies .
That kid ’ s trouble , shouldn ’ t little Canada know better ?
” spoke France .
The seats were @ @ @ @ @ @ @ leaving Canada to squeeze between the crowded bench of the kids table to enjoy their tiny portions of international influence .
“ I don ’ t know why Canada ’ s so upset , ” said Belize , “ Israel ’ s here , wasn ’ t Canada sucking up to them after they bullied Palestine ?
Or did they keep that on the down low… ” Once the two new countries were voted in to receive the two seats at the adult ’ s table , they promptly began to argue about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with icy silence and the occasional unprompted US threat to stab every attendee with a steak knife .

NEW YORK CITY- After a long awaited period of deliberation at the United Nations table committee, Canada has once again been instructed to sit at the kids table during the UN security dinner.
“This is bullpucky!” exclaimed the nation, “this is the second time in a row we’ve had to sit at the Fisher-Price rainbow bench! We spent 2.3 million dollars on frickin’ potato salad! All that time and effort for nothing! This blows.”
The coveted invitation to spend the next two years sitting with the adults at the UN dinner was an object of the country’s grubby, syrup-stained mitts since being sat down and told they weren’t big enough to sit at the adult’s table in 2010.
“I mean they SAY they’ve got good intentions but honestly their behaviour lately hasn’t been very mature. I heard they traded a BB gun to that Saudi Arabia for some chocolate toonies. That kid’s trouble, shouldn’t little Canada know better?” spoke France.
The seats were instead given to Norway and Ireland, leaving Canada to squeeze between the crowded bench of the kids table to enjoy their tiny portions of international influence.
“I don’t know why Canada’s so upset,” said Belize, “Israel’s here, wasn’t Canada sucking up to them after they bullied Palestine? Or did they keep that on the down low…”
Once the two new countries were voted in to receive the two seats at the adult’s table, they promptly began to argue about what temperature the water was, interspersed with icy silence and the occasional unprompted US threat to stab every attendee with a steak knife.


thebeaverton--2020-06-17--Local man eats ghost pepper as excuse to finally cry around his friends

Hamilton , ON – Twenty-six year old Julian Tormeida was recently spotted on an endorphin fueled rush as he finally cried in front of his childhood friends due to the assistance of cleverly purchased ghost pepper .
Despite knowing the gathering of men in his presence for well over a decade , it was the first time any of them witnessed their longtime companion shed any tears .
“ We saw a bunch of YouTubers do the ghost pepper challenge where they eat this really spicy pepper to prove how manly they are , ” stated Tormeida ’ s friend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ event .
“ Next thing you know Julian is just bawling his eyes out .
None of us really knew what to do so everyone just took turns offering him a beer and asking ‘ ya good ?
’ ” While his tears may have been initiated by the capsaicin fueled sensitivity of the human tongue , many close to Tormeida suggest that although the crying began as a reaction it quickly snowballed into a cathartic release .
Factors such as his recent breakup , financial stress , and the overall tension of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ turned his misty-eyed snack into an emotional release .
“ Society has deemed that crying is a sign of weakness , ” explained sociologist Leslie Orto .
“ Therefore , much like the hermit crab who makes a home out of beachside litter , many men have had to find creative methods to fulfill their biological needs , lest they be deemed ‘ fucking soft.
’ ” While recovering from the consumed ghost pepper , it ’ s rumoured that Julian proposed that he and his friends spend next weekend watching A Walk @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like a joke.
” Later reports would reveal that he showed up to the movie night with a pocket full of ghost peppers ready to go .

Hamilton, ON – Twenty-six year old Julian Tormeida was recently spotted on an endorphin fueled rush as he finally cried in front of his childhood friends due to the assistance of cleverly purchased ghost pepper. Despite knowing the gathering of men in his presence for well over a decade, it was the first time any of them witnessed their longtime companion shed any tears.
“We saw a bunch of YouTubers do the ghost pepper challenge where they eat this really spicy pepper to prove how manly they are,” stated Tormeida’s friend, Deshaun Tucker in explanation of the event. “Next thing you know Julian is just bawling his eyes out. None of us really knew what to do so everyone just took turns offering him a beer and asking ‘ya good?’”
While his tears may have been initiated by the capsaicin fueled sensitivity of the human tongue, many close to Tormeida suggest that although the crying began as a reaction it quickly snowballed into a cathartic release. Factors such as his recent breakup, financial stress, and the overall tension of the socio-political landscape are believed to have turned his misty-eyed snack into an emotional release.
“Society has deemed that crying is a sign of weakness,” explained sociologist Leslie Orto. “Therefore, much like the hermit crab who makes a home out of beachside litter, many men have had to find creative methods to fulfill their biological needs, lest they be deemed ‘fucking soft.’”
While recovering from the consumed ghost pepper, it’s rumoured that Julian proposed that he and his friends spend next weekend watching A Walk to Remember, but only “as like a joke.” Later reports would reveal that he showed up to the movie night with a pocket full of ghost peppers ready to go.


thebeaverton--2020-06-17--Ontario Suburbanites urge province to allow social bubbles big enough for decent orgy

ONTARIO- Despite the Ontario government now permitting social gatherings of up to ten people , many in the suburbs are requesting the number be increased in order to enable worthwhile orgies .
“ You can ’ t have a good fuckfest with only ten people .
That ’ s barely enough to do round robin.
” Said Aiden Edwards of Stoney Creek , ON .
“ When we first moved to the suburbs , I was prepared to only have sex with my husband for the rest of my life.
” Said Sarah Birch .
“ But after a few @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Milton , I can ’ t get off anymore without at least 20 people in the room and frankly , I ’ m insulted Doug Ford hasn ’ t taken that into account.
” Like most of the province , suburban orgy-goers have found the government ’ s COVID-19 restrictions to be confusing .
“ First they open up the daycares so we can get the kids out of the house , but then they tell us we can only have a ten-way ?
” Asked Lola Jackson , who lives in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Ford needs to stop teasing us and remember that not everyone can go to the cottage to satisfy their deepest hedonistic desires .
A lot of us have to stay home and do it.
” Like many others across Ontario , Jackson moved to the suburbs so she could buy a bigger house , and therefore host bigger orgies .
She proudly showed reporters her garage , which can fit more sex swings and bondage walls than her entire 1 bedroom downtown could previously .
When questioned why the suburbs are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was a matter of necessity .
“ It ’ s not like in the city where everyone is sexually liberated .
We still worry what the neighbours will think .
That ’ s why we were wearing masks to these even before the pandemic started .
”

ONTARIO- Despite the Ontario government now permitting social gatherings of up to ten people, many in the suburbs are requesting the number be increased in order to enable worthwhile orgies.
“You can’t have a good fuckfest with only ten people. That’s barely enough to do round robin.” Said Aiden Edwards of Stoney Creek, ON.
“When we first moved to the suburbs, I was prepared to only have sex with my husband for the rest of my life.” Said Sarah Birch. “But after a few years of living in the sexual jungle of Milton, I can’t get off anymore without at least 20 people in the room and frankly, I’m insulted Doug Ford hasn’t taken that into account.”
Like most of the province, suburban orgy-goers have found the government’s COVID-19 restrictions to be confusing. “First they open up the daycares so we can get the kids out of the house, but then they tell us we can only have a ten-way?” Asked Lola Jackson, who lives in Arnprior with her husband and four children. “Ford needs to stop teasing us and remember that not everyone can go to the cottage to satisfy their deepest hedonistic desires. A lot of us have to stay home and do it.”
Like many others across Ontario, Jackson moved to the suburbs so she could buy a bigger house, and therefore host bigger orgies. She proudly showed reporters her garage, which can fit more sex swings and bondage walls than her entire 1 bedroom downtown could previously.
When questioned why the suburbs are so polyamorous, many residents said it was a matter of necessity. “It’s not like in the city where everyone is sexually liberated. We still worry what the neighbours will think. That’s why we were wearing masks to these even before the pandemic started.”


thebeaverton--2020-06-18--Police baffled why public turned on them after countless murders

NASHVILLE – Police officers across North America are scared and confused by the feeling that public opinion has turned against them for no reason other than the countless unpunished murders committed by members of their unaccountable militarized forces .
“ I ’ ve been a cop for fifteen years , and this is the most anxious I ’ ve ever felt doing the job , ” said Sergeant Dave Phillips of the Nashville Police Department .
“ Any minute someone might call me a pig or flip me the bird .
No amount of Kevlar , riot shields , or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hurt of harsh words , ” he said , wiping his eyes .
“ After everything we ’ ve done for the public – randomly stopping cars to keep Black drivers in line or helping guide protests with smoke grenades – I don ’ t know why they ’ re angry , ” said Captain Stan Garvey .
“ It feels like a real shot in the back .
And I know , because I ’ ve shot four suspects in the back.
” Fears are so widespread that cops are too scared @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that the meal may be tampered with – or fear that they might get caught tampering with their own food in a bid to get public sympathy .
“ I don ’ t have qualified immunity against spit in my burger the way I did against the family that tried to sue me for the death of their son in custody , ” said Officer Trudy Gibson .
Mike O ’ Meara , president of the New York Police Benevolent Association , came to the defense of his beleaguered colleagues by angrily shouting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Stop treating us like animals and thugs !
Keeping you worthless vermin safe is our job , and it demands respect !
Anyone who disrespects one of my brothers or sisters in the force gets a beating – and not the special kind that doesn ’ t leave marks !
” One anonymous officer summed it up like this : “ It ’ s a war out there .
Us versus them .
With them being unarmed citizens who are maybe jaywalking or jogging near white people .
Civilians don ’ t get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and military get it , ” he said while holding his finger on the trigger of his rifle in a way no one with military training ever would .
At press time , police unions declared the only solution to the proliferation of videos of police violence is to shoot the phones out of the hands of bystanders .

NASHVILLE – Police officers across North America are scared and confused by the feeling that public opinion has turned against them for no reason other than the countless unpunished murders committed by members of their unaccountable militarized forces.
“I’ve been a cop for fifteen years, and this is the most anxious I’ve ever felt doing the job,” said Sergeant Dave Phillips of the Nashville Police Department. “Any minute someone might call me a pig or flip me the bird. No amount of Kevlar, riot shields, or armoured vehicles can protect me from the hurt of harsh words,” he said, wiping his eyes.
“After everything we’ve done for the public – randomly stopping cars to keep Black drivers in line or helping guide protests with smoke grenades – I don’t know why they’re angry,” said Captain Stan Garvey. “It feels like a real shot in the back. And I know, because I’ve shot four suspects in the back.”
Fears are so widespread that cops are too scared to get fast food out of concern that the meal may be tampered with – or fear that they might get caught tampering with their own food in a bid to get public sympathy.
“I don’t have qualified immunity against spit in my burger the way I did against the family that tried to sue me for the death of their son in custody,” said Officer Trudy Gibson.
Mike O’Meara, president of the New York Police Benevolent Association, came to the defense of his beleaguered colleagues by angrily shouting at the public for respect.
“Stop treating us like animals and thugs! Keeping you worthless vermin safe is our job, and it demands respect! Anyone who disrespects one of my brothers or sisters in the force gets a beating – and not the special kind that doesn’t leave marks!”
One anonymous officer summed it up like this: “It’s a war out there. Us versus them. With them being unarmed citizens who are maybe jaywalking or jogging near white people. Civilians don’t get it. Not the way us police and military get it,” he said while holding his finger on the trigger of his rifle in a way no one with military training ever would.
At press time, police unions declared the only solution to the proliferation of videos of police violence is to shoot the phones out of the hands of bystanders.


thebeaverton--2020-06-18--Trudeau ends arrests for CERB fraud after discovering money is being hidden in foreign tax havens

OTTAWA – Justin Trudeau has ended his investigation into CERB fraud after his government discovered the money stolen is being hidden in foreign tax havens .
The investigation began when the Trudeau government received reports of frivolous spending of the CERB money by citizens on items such as pricey Loblaws cheese , flavored drinks instead of tap water , and paying back crippling debt .
“ At first we were determined to make sure every single Canadian was playing fair , ” said Trudeau .
“ But once we saw that the money was being placed into offshore havens , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ awesome , we had to stop pursuing them.
” After doing some digging , Trudeau stated he has had a change of heart because he can finally empathize with people applying for CERB .
“ At first I saw the Canadian people as a bunch of poor , dirty little thieves trying to take more money than they were supposed to .
After seeing that Canadians are using the same loopholes my family and friends use so we don ’ t have to pay tax , I realize now we are all the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ trying to get by.
” Canadians now made rich by CERB have begun to fully embrace their new role as part of Canada ’ s elite by investing in oil pipelines that run through indigenous territory , arguing with younger generations about the existence of police brutality , and renting out their closets on airbnb for exorbitant prices .
In related news , restrictions on Canadians to spend time at their cottages has been removed after Trudeau realizes he is also a Canadian and can ’ t wait to get “ fucking plastered @ @ @ @ @ @ @

OTTAWA – Justin Trudeau has ended his investigation into CERB fraud after his government discovered the money stolen is being hidden in foreign tax havens.
The investigation began when the Trudeau government received reports of frivolous spending of the CERB money by citizens on items such as pricey Loblaws cheese, flavored drinks instead of tap water, and paying back crippling debt.
“At first we were determined to make sure every single Canadian was playing fair,” said Trudeau. “But once we saw that the money was being placed into offshore havens, which are totally cool and legal and awesome, we had to stop pursuing them.”
After doing some digging, Trudeau stated he has had a change of heart because he can finally empathize with people applying for CERB. “At first I saw the Canadian people as a bunch of poor, dirty little thieves trying to take more money than they were supposed to. After seeing that Canadians are using the same loopholes my family and friends use so we don’t have to pay tax, I realize now we are all the same. Just a few million millionaires trying to get by.”
Canadians now made rich by CERB have begun to fully embrace their new role as part of Canada’s elite by investing in oil pipelines that run through indigenous territory, arguing with younger generations about the existence of police brutality, and renting out their closets on airbnb for exorbitant prices.
In related news, restrictions on Canadians to spend time at their cottages has been removed after Trudeau realizes he is also a Canadian and can’t wait to get “fucking plastered with my boys up north.”


thebeaverton--2020-06-18--Jagmeet Singh kicked out of House for breaking parliamentary rules against telling the truth

OTTAWA – NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh was removed from the House of Commons yesterday for violating the rule against saying true things about structural racism and MPs roles in upholding it .
“ The gentleman was given the chance to apologize for correctly pointing out that anyone who votes against measures to reform racist organizations like the RCMP is themself guilty of racism and he refused , ” said Speaker of The House Anthony Rota .
“ Under these circumstances we had no choice but to remove him.
” “ In line with protocol his speaking time was awarded to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a measure to impose mild reforms on a police body that recently murdered and assaulted several indigenous people.
” It ’ s been a longstanding rule that anyone who speaks honestly about Canadian racism will be immediately removed from the House .
The tradition dates back to the 19th century , when a New Brunswick MP was immediately kicked out for pointing out the Chinese Head Tax was “ super fucked up.
” “ There is a clear style guide in place for MPs who wish to discuss race .
Instead of ‘ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ‘ tricky ’ or ‘ not systemic.
’ And instead of racism Singh should have said ‘ being a bit rude , ’ ” advised Rota .
Singh is expected to be readmitted to the House today , provided he doesn ’ t violate any other House rules , like ‘ no talking shit about the Queen ’ or ‘ no saying anything about the ultra wealthy hiding all their money offshore to avoid tax .
’

OTTAWA – NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh was removed from the House of Commons yesterday for violating the rule against saying true things about structural racism and MPs roles in upholding it.
“The gentleman was given the chance to apologize for correctly pointing out that anyone who votes against measures to reform racist organizations like the RCMP is themself guilty of racism and he refused,” said Speaker of The House Anthony Rota. “Under these circumstances we had no choice but to remove him.”
“In line with protocol his speaking time was awarded to the Bloc MP who voted no on a measure to impose mild reforms on a police body that recently murdered and assaulted several indigenous people.”
It’s been a longstanding rule that anyone who speaks honestly about Canadian racism will be immediately removed from the House. The tradition dates back to the 19th century, when a New Brunswick MP was immediately kicked out for pointing out the Chinese Head Tax was “super fucked up.”
“There is a clear style guide in place for MPs who wish to discuss race. Instead of ‘systemic’ they should use words like ‘tricky’ or ‘not systemic.’ And instead of racism Singh should have said ‘being a bit rude,’” advised Rota.
Singh is expected to be readmitted to the House today, provided he doesn’t violate any other House rules, like ‘no talking shit about the Queen’ or ‘no saying anything about the ultra wealthy hiding all their money offshore to avoid tax.’


thebeaverton--2020-06-19--Canada wins seat on UN Insecurity Council

NEW YORK – Claiming that they “ will probably just fuck it up like we always do ” , Canadian diplomats celebrated the country ’ s election to a seat on the United Nations Insecurity Council .
“ It ’ s not a big deal but thanks for coming out , I guess , ” said Canadian Global Affairs Minister Francois Phillipe-Champagne , as tears welled in his eyes .
“ I mean , it ’ s not like we really care or anything , but it ’ s cool.
” Coming out on top of a tight vote for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Russia , Turkmenistan , and North Korea , delegates said they admired Canada ’ s renewed multilateral efforts toward vain approval-seeking , and its steady decades-long commitment to global passive aggressiveness .
Many also credited Canada ’ s stifling perfectionism due to a lack of self-confidence as minimizing opportunities to make an international mistake that everyone will remember forever .
“ Canada has been extremely clingy the past two years , which put them in the top three ” said one Swiss diplomat .
“ The daily texts asking if we were going @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a strong case in their favour , but [ Canada ’ s Permanent Representative to the UN ] Marc-André Blanchard ’ s three hour presentation on how much sex Canada has had is what sealed the deal.
” Other unnamed diplomats applauded members of Canada ’ s foreign service for for how they were able to skillfully wedge into any conversation a picture of the new girl they were banging , the amount they could bench , or the price of their new house , even in discussions focused entirely about the personal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Eileen Belham , professor at Carleton University ’ s Norman Paterson School of International Affairs , praised Canada ’ s concise “ if you can ’ t handle me at my worst , you don ’ t deserve me at my best ” social media messaging for bringing campaigns for UN seats into the modern era .
“ Canada ’ s violent mood swings from pity-seeking self-flagellation to vindictive defensiveness and rage , really helped to cement our position in person-to-person meetings , ” explained Belham .
“ Combined with modern messaging @ @ @ @ @ @ @ vital for persuading undecided countries that they didn ’ t want to deal with this , and to vote for us just so we ’ d go away .
Middle power diplomacy at its finest .
”

NEW YORK – Claiming that they “will probably just fuck it up like we always do”, Canadian diplomats celebrated the country’s election to a seat on the United Nations Insecurity Council.
“It’s not a big deal but thanks for coming out, I guess,” said Canadian Global Affairs Minister Francois Phillipe-Champagne, as tears welled in his eyes. “I mean, it’s not like we really care or anything, but it’s cool.”
Coming out on top of a tight vote for the last seat between the US, Russia, Turkmenistan, and North Korea, delegates said they admired Canada’s renewed multilateral efforts toward vain approval-seeking, and its steady decades-long commitment to global passive aggressiveness. Many also credited Canada’s stifling perfectionism due to a lack of self-confidence as minimizing opportunities to make an international mistake that everyone will remember forever.
“Canada has been extremely clingy the past two years, which put them in the top three” said one Swiss diplomat. “The daily texts asking if we were going to vote for them helped to build a strong case in their favour, but [Canada’s Permanent Representative to the UN] Marc-André Blanchard’s three hour presentation on how much sex Canada has had is what sealed the deal.”
Other unnamed diplomats applauded members of Canada’s foreign service for for how they were able to skillfully wedge into any conversation a picture of the new girl they were banging, the amount they could bench, or the price of their new house, even in discussions focused entirely about the personal achievements and life milestones of other countries.
Eileen Belham, professor at Carleton University’s Norman Paterson School of International Affairs, praised Canada’s concise “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” social media messaging for bringing campaigns for UN seats into the modern era.
“Canada’s violent mood swings from pity-seeking self-flagellation to vindictive defensiveness and rage, really helped to cement our position in person-to-person meetings,” explained Belham.
“Combined with modern messaging techniques such as sub-tweeting, it was vital for persuading undecided countries that they didn’t want to deal with this, and to vote for us just so we’d go away. Middle power diplomacy at its finest.”


thebeaverton--2020-06-19--UFC Fight Island inhabitants resist allure of the Conch, establish socialist utopia

ABU DHABI – In the midst of preparation for UFC 251 , officials and fighters have overcome the power of the bewitching Conch they stumbled upon , and set up a socialist system of government on Fight Island .
“ I used to channel my anger into beating the absolute shit out of people !
” said Fight Island resident Connor McGregor .
“ But now I put all my energy into beating the shit out of the oppressive capitalist systems !
Viva La Resistance !
” The Ultimate Fighting Championship secured an island to create an isolated area where @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pandemic .
In the two week quarantine prior to the fights , a mysterious conch appeared on the shore .
The power that emanated from it captivated the residents of the island , and soon everyone desired to be its sole possessor .
This almost resulted in a descent into chaos and anarchy , but through open communication and Marxist literature the fighters worked through their issues , smashed the Conch , and established a socialist utopia in the middle of the United Arab Emirates .
“ The Conch was a tool of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kamaru Usman .
“ To quote the great Audre Lorde , ‘ the master ’ s tools will never dismantle the master ’ s house ’ … so it had to be destroyed !
” Instead of fighting , those living on the island are able to spend their time in the community garden , read seminal works of academia in the library , and use one of Joe Rogan ’ s sensory deprivation tanks to quiet the fighting within their minds .
Trouble arose for the peaceful community when head of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the residents carry out their scheduled fights .
Tensions rose and White was put in a sleeper hold .
Fighters waited for him to tap out while chanting , “ Kill the beast !
Cut his throat !
Acknowledge your complicity to the capitalist system !
” After the coup , White withdrew from Fight Island and left its inhabitants to live in peace .
They recently started eating an all vegetarian diet and are lobbying for Bernie Sanders to rejoin the presidential race .

ABU DHABI – In the midst of preparation for UFC 251, officials and fighters have overcome the power of the bewitching Conch they stumbled upon, and set up a socialist system of government on Fight Island.
“I used to channel my anger into beating the absolute shit out of people!” said Fight Island resident Connor McGregor. “But now I put all my energy into beating the shit out of the oppressive capitalist systems! Viva La Resistance!”
The Ultimate Fighting Championship secured an island to create an isolated area where they could safely hold fights during the pandemic. In the two week quarantine prior to the fights, a mysterious conch appeared on the shore. The power that emanated from it captivated the residents of the island, and soon everyone desired to be its sole possessor. This almost resulted in a descent into chaos and anarchy, but through open communication and Marxist literature the fighters worked through their issues, smashed the Conch, and established a socialist utopia in the middle of the United Arab Emirates.
“The Conch was a tool of colonial order,” said Welterweight champion Kamaru Usman. “To quote the great Audre Lorde, ‘the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house’… so it had to be destroyed!”
Instead of fighting, those living on the island are able to spend their time in the community garden, read seminal works of academia in the library, and use one of Joe Rogan’s sensory deprivation tanks to quiet the fighting within their minds.
Trouble arose for the peaceful community when head of the UFC Dana White arrived and demanded that the residents carry out their scheduled fights. Tensions rose and White was put in a sleeper hold. Fighters waited for him to tap out while chanting, “Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Acknowledge your complicity to the capitalist system!”
After the coup, White withdrew from Fight Island and left its inhabitants to live in peace. They recently started eating an all vegetarian diet and are lobbying for Bernie Sanders to rejoin the presidential race.


thebeaverton--2020-06-20--5 Father’s Day gifts that will almost make up for not going to law school

Father ’ s Day is almost here and , if you ’ re like me , you haven ’ t gotten your dad anything , let alone anything that will finally get him to forgive you for not going to law school !
While nothing will ever repair the permanent damage that choice did to your relationship , here are 5 fun last-minute gifts to give your dad in the vain hope that one day he ’ ll look at you like used to .
Dads LOVE learning new things .
And what better way to learn a new skill @ @ @ @ @ @ @ how they mastered their talent , in exchange for what we can only assume was an RV full of cash ?
Plus , if your dad watches the Steve Martin or Judd Apatow ones , maybe he ’ ll finally understand why you had to miss the LSAT in order to go to that improv tournament in Windsor .
Remember when your dad taught you how to shave , back in the days before he introduced you to people as ‘ my son the unemployed artist ?
’ Well now you can come @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shaving kit with razor , brush , foam and aftershave .
All for a price even someone who didn ’ t clerk with your dad ’ s friend Walter can afford .
Even for a technologically challenged father Smartwatches are easy to use and great for sending emails or keeping track of exercise .
Your dad will be shocked how many calories he burns pacing back and forth as he wonders where he went wrong with you !
Personal AND Classy .
This is the gift that says ‘ hey , you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ still a cool guy .
Also do you mind lending me some money for rent this month ?
All my gigs fell through and I could really use the help.
” It ’ s time to stand up and tell you dad that law just wasn ’ t right for you .
Sure there are times when you envy the security it would have provided , and wonder what the path not chosen looks like .
But you ’ re chasing your dream and being true to yourself .
And if that isn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then maybe this is the last father ’ s day gift he ’ s going to get from you for a while dog damnit !
And when that pisses him off and he threatens to cut you out of the will you can pull out a chilled beer mug and apologize profusely for being such a disappointment .

Father’s Day is almost here and, if you’re like me, you haven’t gotten your dad anything, let alone anything that will finally get him to forgive you for not going to law school! While nothing will ever repair the permanent damage that choice did to your relationship, here are 5 fun last-minute gifts to give your dad in the vain hope that one day he’ll look at you like used to.
1. Masterclass Gift Card
Dads LOVE learning new things. And what better way to learn a new skill than by watching celebrities begrudgingly talk about how they mastered their talent, in exchange for what we can only assume was an RV full of cash? Plus, if your dad watches the Steve Martin or Judd Apatow ones, maybe he’ll finally understand why you had to miss the LSAT in order to go to that improv tournament in Windsor.
2. Fancy Shaving Kit
Remember when your dad taught you how to shave, back in the days before he introduced you to people as ‘my son the unemployed artist?’ Well now you can come full circle by getting him a fancy shaving kit with razor, brush, foam and aftershave. All for a price even someone who didn’t clerk with your dad’s friend Walter can afford.
3. Smartwatch
Even for a technologically challenged father Smartwatches are easy to use and great for sending emails or keeping track of exercise. Your dad will be shocked how many calories he burns pacing back and forth as he wonders where he went wrong with you!
4. Monogrammed Wallet
Personal AND Classy. This is the gift that says ‘hey, you’re my dad but you’re still a cool guy. Also do you mind lending me some money for rent this month? All my gigs fell through and I could really use the help.”
5. The Truth
It’s time to stand up and tell you dad that law just wasn’t right for you. Sure there are times when you envy the security it would have provided, and wonder what the path not chosen looks like. But you’re chasing your dream and being true to yourself. And if that isn’t ok with him, well then maybe this is the last father’s day gift he’s going to get from you for a while dog damnit!
And when that pisses him off and he threatens to cut you out of the will you can pull out a chilled beer mug and apologize profusely for being such a disappointment.


thebeaverton--2020-06-20--As U.S. celebrates 155 years since end of slavery, Canada celebrates 153 years of pretending we neve

As U.S. celebrates 155 years since end of slavery, Canada celebrates 153 years of pretending we never had slavery

OTTAWA – Yesterday the U.S. commemorated Juneteenth , the day widely regarded as marking the official end of slavery in the U.S. , and today Canada is preparing to celebrate our 153rd straight year of pretending we never had slavery .
“ Juneteenth is an important day to acknowledge the atrocity of slavery in the United States .
The idea that people were once bought and sold as chattel is as abhorrent to Canadians today as it was from 1608 to 1834 , ” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as he stared at reporters , daring anyone to say something @ @ @ @ @ @ @ aside , it sure was nice of all those Indigenous and Black people to offer to work for free all those years.
” Juneteenth specifically celebrates the date that Union General Gordon Granger pronounced all slaves in Texas free .
Canada has no similar holiday , although most historians agree that July 2 , 1867 was the day all Canadians agreed that whatever happened before the British North America Act passed had nothing to do with them .
“ Sure , technically there were a few [ thousand ] slaves in the territories @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Atlantic provinces .
But that was before Canada was founded in 1867 , so it isn ’ t on us , ” said amateur historian Mark McEwan , who is very fond of bragging to his American friends about how Canada burned down the White House during the War of 1812 .
“ Plus I bet our slave owners were super nice about it .
Definitely the most polite slave owners on earth.
” Pretending slavery did not exist in Canada is an important Canadian historical tradition , right up there with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in interior B.C.
, allowing Chinese immigrants to start paying taxes even before they arrived in Canada , and never googling the phrase ‘ None Is Too Many .
’ ”

OTTAWA – Yesterday the U.S. commemorated Juneteenth, the day widely regarded as marking the official end of slavery in the U.S., and today Canada is preparing to celebrate our 153rd straight year of pretending we never had slavery.
“Juneteenth is an important day to acknowledge the atrocity of slavery in the United States. The idea that people were once bought and sold as chattel is as abhorrent to Canadians today as it was from 1608 to 1834,” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as he stared at reporters, daring anyone to say something.
“Also, just as an aside, it sure was nice of all those Indigenous and Black people to offer to work for free all those years.”
Juneteenth specifically celebrates the date that Union General Gordon Granger pronounced all slaves in Texas free. Canada has no similar holiday, although most historians agree that July 2, 1867 was the day all Canadians agreed that whatever happened before the British North America Act passed had nothing to do with them.
“Sure, technically there were a few [thousand] slaves in the territories that would become Ontario, Quebec and the Atlantic provinces. But that was before Canada was founded in 1867, so it isn’t on us,” said amateur historian Mark McEwan, who is very fond of bragging to his American friends about how Canada burned down the White House during the War of 1812.
“Plus I bet our slave owners were super nice about it. Definitely the most polite slave owners on earth.”
Pretending slavery did not exist in Canada is an important Canadian historical tradition, right up there with inviting Japanese-Canadians to a years long vacation in interior B.C., allowing Chinese immigrants to start paying taxes even before they arrived in Canada, and never googling the phrase ‘None Is Too Many.’”


thebeaverton--2020-06-21--Local father tries to remember not to call himself ‘daddy’ when his children aren’t around

REVELSTOKE , BC – Father of three Brian O ’ Shaughnessy is trying hard to scale back his habit of referring to himself as ‘ Daddy ’ instead of ‘ Brian ’ in conversations where he is not speaking directly to his own children .
The flub occurred three times yesterday : first O ’ Shaughnessy telling a telemarketer , “ Sorry , Daddy is busy right now.
” Then telling a convenience store worker , “ Mmmmm , candy , Daddy like.
” Finally when a Starbucks barista asked him what his name was , he told her his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wrote on his cup .
“ I apologize to everyone that I made this mistake in front of this week , ” said O ’ Shaughnessy , “ I am a stay-home Dad and Daddy is what my clients call me at work .
Sometimes Daddy gets mixed up , kind of like when you accidentally make personal calls on your work phone.
” According to an informal study conducted by Brian ’ s wife , Janine , O ’ Shaughnessy refers to himself as Daddy five times as much as he refers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t mind it , because when Daddy , I mean Brian , is speaking to Mommy , it ’ s in a family context and I understand why he is calling himself that , ” said Janine .
“ But in public , with no children around to provide that context , it is often misconstrued as kinky flirting .
Which again , is fine when Daddy is talking to Mommy , because Mommy and Daddy are sexual partners .
But with other people it gets awkward and weird.
” Compounding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ since he became a father , Brian has been much more likely to refer to himself in the third person .
“ Oh yes , ten years ago , I ’ d for sure say ‘ I ’ m here to pay this parking ticket , ’ instead of ‘ Daddy would like to fight this parking ticket , ’ ” confirmed O ’ Shaughnessy .
“ In fact , these days I ’ m just as likely to say ‘ Daddy ’ s been a bad boy , and needs a spanking.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Daddy says things like this .
Daddy doesn ’ t even believe in corporal punishment .
It just comes out of Daddy ’ s mouth that way .
It makes Daddy sad and mad that this happens.
” At press time , Daddy was telling a Rogers employee that if they had better replace his broken phone by the time he counted to ten .
Daddy did not know what would happen when he got to ten .

REVELSTOKE, BC – Father of three Brian O’Shaughnessy is trying hard to scale back his habit of referring to himself as ‘Daddy’ instead of ‘Brian’ in conversations where he is not speaking directly to his own children.
The flub occurred three times yesterday: first O’Shaughnessy telling a telemarketer, “Sorry, Daddy is busy right now.” Then telling a convenience store worker, “Mmmmm, candy, Daddy like.” Finally when a Starbucks barista asked him what his name was, he told her his name was Daddy, which she dutifully wrote on his cup.
“I apologize to everyone that I made this mistake in front of this week,” said O’Shaughnessy, “I am a stay-home Dad and Daddy is what my clients call me at work. Sometimes Daddy gets mixed up, kind of like when you accidentally make personal calls on your work phone.”
According to an informal study conducted by Brian’s wife, Janine, O’Shaughnessy refers to himself as Daddy five times as much as he refers to himself as Brian.
“I don’t mind it, because when Daddy, I mean Brian, is speaking to Mommy, it’s in a family context and I understand why he is calling himself that,” said Janine. “But in public, with no children around to provide that context, it is often misconstrued as kinky flirting. Which again, is fine when Daddy is talking to Mommy, because Mommy and Daddy are sexual partners. But with other people it gets awkward and weird.”
Compounding the problem is the fact that, since he became a father, Brian has been much more likely to refer to himself in the third person.
“Oh yes, ten years ago, I’d for sure say ‘I’m here to pay this parking ticket,’ instead of ‘Daddy would like to fight this parking ticket,’” confirmed O’Shaughnessy. “In fact, these days I’m just as likely to say ‘Daddy’s been a bad boy, and needs a spanking.’ Daddy doesn’t know why Daddy says things like this. Daddy doesn’t even believe in corporal punishment. It just comes out of Daddy’s mouth that way. It makes Daddy sad and mad that this happens.”
At press time, Daddy was telling a Rogers employee that if they had better replace his broken phone by the time he counted to ten. Daddy did not know what would happen when he got to ten.


thebeaverton--2020-06-21--Inclusivity win! Hallmark introduces golf-free Father’s Day cards

In anticipation of this year ’ s Father ’ s Day , Hallmark has released a set of greeting cards that finally pays homage to all the fathers who do not play golf .
Whereas before the only kind of Father ’ s Day card featured white cartoon dad ’ s excitedly abandoning their families to play golf , now Hallmark has bridged the gap by showcasing a variety of other activities white cartoon dads might enjoy .
The set of colourful eCards highlight a litany of other dad-centric hobbies such as watering the lawn , napping on the couch @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to show their kids , enjoying a small black coffee from McDonald ’ s in their car , driving around to look at ‘ nice houses , ’ furrowing their brows , quizzing dinner guests on WWII trivia , standing silently with their hands on their hips to watch the evening news , wearing a suit to indicate that they are at work , wearing a polo to indicate that they are barbecuing on the weekend , sneezing loudly with their mouths open , attending their kids ’ dance recitals dutifully , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The sappy stationery company acknowledges that the nuclear family of the 50s is a thing of the past , and have capitalized on same-sex families by including a 2-for-1 deal on their Father ’ s Day selection .
What was once deemed “ the most forgettable holiday of the year , ” Father ’ s Day is now poised to surpass New Year ’ s Eve in both unattainable expectation and rowdy excitement .
Hallmark assures all the mothers that they will launch a select small array of cards that don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ love to do .

In anticipation of this year’s Father’s Day, Hallmark has released a set of greeting cards that finally pays homage to all the fathers who do not play golf.
Whereas before the only kind of Father’s Day card featured white cartoon dad’s excitedly abandoning their families to play golf, now Hallmark has bridged the gap by showcasing a variety of other activities white cartoon dads might enjoy.
The set of colourful eCards highlight a litany of other dad-centric hobbies such as watering the lawn, napping on the couch mid-day, pulling up a YouTube video to show their kids, enjoying a small black coffee from McDonald’s in their car, driving around to look at ‘nice houses,’ furrowing their brows, quizzing dinner guests on WWII trivia, standing silently with their hands on their hips to watch the evening news, wearing a suit to indicate that they are at work, wearing a polo to indicate that they are barbecuing on the weekend, sneezing loudly with their mouths open, attending their kids’ dance recitals dutifully, and scoffing at every mention of Trudeau.
The sappy stationery company acknowledges that the nuclear family of the 50s is a thing of the past, and have capitalized on same-sex families by including a 2-for-1 deal on their Father’s Day selection.
What was once deemed “the most forgettable holiday of the year,” Father’s Day is now poised to surpass New Year’s Eve in both unattainable expectation and rowdy excitement.
Hallmark assures all the mothers that they will launch a select small array of cards that don’t focus on all the housework they supposedly love to do.


thebeaverton--2020-06-22--Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads still putting finishing touches on #BlackLivesMatter statement

TOPEKA , KS – Executives at the head office of Thompson ’ s Discount Anal Beads have been hard at work for weeks , and report being nearly finished a statement that represents the company ’ s commitment to the Black Lives Matter cause .
“ We here at Thompson ’ s Discount Anal Beads feel it is vital that our customer base understands where we stand on this critically important social issue , ” explained CEO Trevor Thompson Jr. “ Ever since my dear departed parents entered the erotic paraphenalia business , our family has believed that structural racism @ @ @ @ @ @ @ society .
Unlike small silicone beads connected by string , which bind us together , sometimes literally.
” “ Furthermore , we reaffirm our commitment to making sure that Thompson ’ s Discount Anal Beads belong in ALL rectums , particularly those belonging to our Black American neighbours and friends , ” added Thompson Jr. With demonstrations continuing throughout America and across the world to protest police violence , the corporate brass of Thompson ’ s Discount Anal Beads have felt increasing pressure to make a statement .
“ We absolutely have to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as he marked up yet another draft copy of a document , this one rejected for “ not meeting the gravitas of the moment , or the Thompson ’ s Discount Anal Beads name.
” Thompson has spent the past 3 weeks holed up in a corporate board room with his company ’ s CFO , head of the board of directors , members of the in-house Public Relations department , as well as several highly-paid sensitivity consultants .
On the white board several ideas had been scrawled , including one idea which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Money = Defund The Police ?
?
?
” “ What about including a graphic of the T-85 model , but each of the beads is a different color skin tone , ” suggested Amanda Meirs , of head of PR for Thompson ’ s Discount Anal Beads .
The idea was quickly rejected for being “ insufficient to meet the national moment ” .
Thompson Jr. emphasized the need to be delicate in this proposed document .
“ We don ’ t want to come off as insincere , like Wertz ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gathered in the room looked away at the mere mention of the widely-publicized Wertz fiasco , widely believed to have belittled the BLM movement with a full-page New York Times ad that was described as “ even more tasteless than it was assless.
” As days pass , Thompson Jr. worries that his customers will take notice of the lack of corporate communication .
“ Already we see an increase in web traffic towards our competitors who quickly posted statements , like Booty Call Industrial Lubricant or Grandma Henderson ’ s Old Fashioned @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t about sales , ” Thompson Jr. added , before pausing .
“ This is about letting the brave men and women know that Thompson ’ s Discount Anal Beads is right behind them all the way.
” At press time , # BLM chapters across the nation have begun receiving shipments of Thompson ’ s Discount Anal Beads .

TOPEKA, KS – Following the lead of other major corporate brands like Walmart, JP Morgan Chase, and the NFL, executives at the head office of Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads have been hard at work for weeks on a statement representing the company’s commitment to the Black Lives Matter cause.
“We here at Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads feel it is vital that our customer base understands where we stand on this critically important social issue,” explained CEO Trevor Thompson Jr. “Clearly the most important civil rights movement of our day needs the support of us, the third largest anal sex toy manufacturer in the midwest.”
Thompson continued, gazing up at a portrait of his father and the company’s founder, Trevor Magnus Thompson Sr. “Ever since my dear departed father entered the erotic paraphernalia business, our family has believed that structural racism and inequality have no place in civilized society. Unlike small silicone beads connected by string, which bind us together, sometimes literally.”
“Furthermore, we reaffirm our commitment to making sure that Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads fit inside in ALL rectums, regardless of skin color,” added Thompson Jr. wistfully.
With demonstrations continuing throughout America and across the world to protest police violence, the corporate brass of Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads have felt increasing pressure to make a statement. “We absolutely have to get this right,” explained Thompson as he marked up yet another draft copy of a document, this one rejected for “not meeting the gravitas of the moment, or the Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads name.”
Thompson has spent the past 3 weeks holed up in a corporate board room with his company’s CFO, head of the board of directors, members of the in-house Public Relations department, as well as several highly-paid sensitivity consultants. On the white board several ideas had been scrawled, including one idea which read “Discount Anal Beads = Save Money = Defund The Police???”
“What about including a graphic of the T-85 model, but each of the beads is a different color skin tone,” suggested Amanda Meirs, of head of PR for Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads. The idea was quickly rejected for being “insufficient to meet the national moment”.
Thompson Jr. emphasized the need to be delicate in this proposed document. “We don’t want to come off as insincere, like Wertz’ Assless Chaps did last week.” All gathered in the room looked away at the mere mention of the widely-publicized Wertz fiasco, widely believed to have belittled the BLM movement with a full-page New York Times ad that was described as “even more tasteless than it was assless.”
“But this isn’t about sales,” Thompson Jr. added, before pausing. “This is about letting the brave men and women of this important civil rights cause know that Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads is right behind them all the way.”
At press time, #BLM chapters across the nation have begun receiving shipments of Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads.


thebeaverton--2020-06-22--Ben Mulroney steps aside from ETalk to make space for White Saviour complex

TORONTO – Amidst the controversy surrounding wife Jessica Mulroney , Etalk anchor Ben Mulroney has announced his departure from the show in order to focus on his white savior complex .
“ I love my wife , ” began Mulroney in a video message that was definitely not written by the one Black intern .
“ However , it is not my place to speak for her nor hold her accountable for using her privilege to gaslight and threaten a Black woman .
Instead , I will bravely shift the narrative to be about me and my heroic act of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Mulroney added that he hopes the new anchor will be Black , Indigenous , or a person of colour and looks forward to seeing how Bell Media will exploit the new presenter to create an illusion of inclusion .
“ We ’ re proud of Ben for his decision , ” said Margaret O ’ Brian , Vice-President of Bell Media Studios .
“ The way he ’ s using his departure to distract from the real conversation about racism in Canadian media is inspiring .
Also , he ’ s saving @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ re obviously going to pay the diverse hire a fraction of Ben ’ s salary.
” According to Mulroney , he will continue to contribute to Etalk and other television shows on the network , but for now , his immediate step down absolves him of his white guilt .
“ I look forward to the movie that will inevitably be made about my courageous act of white sacrifice , perhaps even starring my wife ’ s best friend , who , did I mention , is Black ?
” In the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trudeau will be splitting his time between being Prime Minister and taking over Ben Mulroney ’ s Etalk duties .

TORONTO – Amidst the controversy surrounding wife Jessica Mulroney, Etalk anchor Ben Mulroney has announced his departure from the show in order to focus on his white savior complex.
“I love my wife,” began Mulroney in a video message that was definitely not written by the one Black intern. “However, it is not my place to speak for her nor hold her accountable for using her privilege to gaslight and threaten a Black woman. Instead, I will bravely shift the narrative to be about me and my heroic act of stepping down as a beloved TV personality.”
Mulroney added that he hopes the new anchor will be Black, Indigenous, or a person of colour and looks forward to seeing how Bell Media will exploit the new presenter to create an illusion of inclusion.
“We’re proud of Ben for his decision,” said Margaret O’Brian, Vice-President of Bell Media Studios. “The way he’s using his departure to distract from the real conversation about racism in Canadian media is inspiring. Also, he’s saving us a ton of money because we’re obviously going to pay the diverse hire a fraction of Ben’s salary.”
According to Mulroney, he will continue to contribute to Etalk and other television shows on the network, but for now, his immediate step down absolves him of his white guilt. “I look forward to the movie that will inevitably be made about my courageous act of white sacrifice, perhaps even starring my wife’s best friend, who, did I mention, is Black?”
In the interim, fellow political dynasty scion Justin Trudeau will be splitting his time between being Prime Minister and taking over Ben Mulroney’s Etalk duties.


thebeaverton--2020-06-22--Nation’s pugs demand to sneeze into your mouth

OTTAWA – A press statement released by the Pug Unification Guild this morning , stated that the nation ’ s pugs demand access to human mouths in order to sneeze into them .
“ While there are many pressing concerns that affect this specific group of canines , the first and foremost is that we have long been denied wide-open mouths in which we may sneeze , ” said a spokesdog for P.U.G .
to a group of reporters .
“ Our breed has been plagued by a litany of respiratory and skeletal ailments , so all we ask is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ demand.
” The dogs of P.U.G .
reached this consensus following several weeks of debate at a grumble at a park in the capital .
While some advocated for the end of inbreeding , others favoured an increase in stomach rubs .
However , all pugs unanimously agreed that they needed an easier means of entry to the oral cavity .
“ Sometimes we get excited , and so we sneeze , and other times , we get frightened… and so we sneeze .
We are not defined by the cause of our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who also happens to be a pug , of the organization .
“ If you can tolerate , nay demand , our open-mouth kisses- then you must be willing to let us clear our airways directly into yours !
” Victoria Stroz , a proud dog-mom to four senior pugs , has been advocating for snout-to-mouth sneezes for years .
“ I would do anything for my smushed-faced babies , ” the young woman swooned .
“ I respect that they want to sneeze into my mouth at the most inopportune times , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ haven ’ t spoken to another human in 3 months , why do you ask ?
” The battle for the pugs may just be beginning , however the guild warns that if human compliance is not granted , they may be forced to pull out the big guns and either shed excessively on all human possessions or even , breathe more heavily than usual .

OTTAWA – A press statement released by the Pug Unification Guild this morning, stated that the nation’s pugs demand access to human mouths in order to sneeze into them.
“While there are many pressing concerns that affect this specific group of canines, the first and foremost is that we have long been denied wide-open mouths in which we may sneeze,” said a spokesdog for P.U.G. to a group of reporters. “Our breed has been plagued by a litany of respiratory and skeletal ailments, so all we ask is for submission to our one itty bitty demand.”
The dogs of P.U.G. reached this consensus following several weeks of debate at a grumble at a park in the capital. While some advocated for the end of inbreeding, others favoured an increase in stomach rubs. However, all pugs unanimously agreed that they needed an easier means of entry to the oral cavity.
“Sometimes we get excited, and so we sneeze, and other times, we get frightened… and so we sneeze. We are not defined by the cause of our spasms!” barked the president, who also happens to be a pug, of the organization. “If you can tolerate, nay demand, our open-mouth kisses- then you must be willing to let us clear our airways directly into yours!”
Victoria Stroz, a proud dog-mom to four senior pugs, has been advocating for snout-to-mouth sneezes for years.
“I would do anything for my smushed-faced babies,” the young woman swooned. “I respect that they want to sneeze into my mouth at the most inopportune times, and I even encourage it! I haven’t spoken to another human in 3 months, why do you ask?”
The battle for the pugs may just be beginning, however the guild warns that if human compliance is not granted, they may be forced to pull out the big guns and either shed excessively on all human possessions or even, breathe more heavily than usual.


thebeaverton--2020-06-22--Report: your screen time was down 9% from last week for an average of 14 hours a day

OTTAWA – After spending 16 hours and 15 minutes per day on your phone last week early reports from your iPhone screen time alert indicate that number is down to a marginally less alarming 14 hours a day .
When reached for comment Patty Hadju , the Minister of Health said , “ We still have a long way to go but these numbers are encouraging .
At 14 hours a day you are well under the national average.
” When pressed further the Minister was unresponsive as she was playing Words With Friends on her iPhone .
The phenomenon @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what experts are referring to as the “ awake in bed hours ” .
The time between 11am-5pm and again from 9pm-3am when the human body is at its most horizontal .
It ’ s during those times that data shows the highest spike in googling “ Covid-19 cases America ” and whispering “ what the fuck ” to yourself .
“ At this point I just send a text if I have any information I need to communicate with him ” says your live-in partner .
Their current location appears to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to look up and engage with them .
Among many other activities the 14 hours a day was spent seeing the albums that influenced people with zero musical ability and fielding emails from concerned fast food companies in these uncertain times .
Followed by watching dance videos on Tik Tok ( it should be noted only 30 % of those videos are made by people young enough to be on Tik Tok ) .
Before dinner you research new recipes and then immediately start scrolling through food delivery apps .
It should be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ way include the time spent on your laptop , tablet , or other devices .
Officials suggest books and exercise to cut down on this time but recognize that you ’ re probably just gon na turn off the alert .

OTTAWA – After spending 16 hours and 15 minutes per day on your phone last week early reports from your iPhone screen time alert indicate that number is down to a marginally less alarming 14 hours a day.
When reached for comment Patty Hadju, the Minister of Health said, “We still have a long way to go but these numbers are encouraging. At 14 hours a day you are well under the national average.” When pressed further the Minister was unresponsive as she was playing Words With Friends on her iPhone.
The phenomenon appears to be at its peak during what experts are referring to as the “awake in bed hours”. The time between 11am-5pm and again from 9pm-3am when the human body is at its most horizontal. It’s during those times that data shows the highest spike in googling “Covid-19 cases America” and whispering “what the fuck” to yourself.
“At this point I just send a text if I have any information I need to communicate with him” says your live-in partner. Their current location appears to be directly beside you if you would like to look up and engage with them.
Among many other activities the 14 hours a day was spent seeing the albums that influenced people with zero musical ability and fielding emails from concerned fast food companies in these uncertain times. Followed by watching dance videos on Tik Tok (it should be noted only 30% of those videos are made by people young enough to be on Tik Tok). Before dinner you research new recipes and then immediately start scrolling through food delivery apps.
It should be noted 14 hours does not in any way include the time spent on your laptop, tablet, or other devices. Officials suggest books and exercise to cut down on this time but recognize that you’re probably just gonna turn off the alert.


thebeaverton--2020-06-23--Billionaire child opens his first offshore piggy bank

Cayman Islands – In a right of passage for every child of the .01 % , young Mister Chettington Irvine McCain Weston , 6 , has been brought to the Cayman Islands in order to open his first offshore piggy bank .
“ This way Chettington !
” said his father Hipley as they walked past the safety deposit boxes and the pool of solid gold coins towards the piggy bank .
“ Here is where you ’ ll deposit the rare stamps grandpa Manrus gave you for your birthday , as well as the weekly allowance of 10,000 Swiss @ @ @ @ @ @ @ garbage.
” “ If you save properly , it may just grow into real money over time !
” he added .
In addition to being entirely out of the reach of Canadian tax collectors , offshore piggy banks tend to have slightly different features than their domestic counterparts .
They ’ re larger , as they have to hold faberge eggs .
Instead of clay or plastic they ’ re made out of a rare silk that smells like champagne .
And , despite the name , they ’ re usually made @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like the Siberian Tiger or the talking dogs that only exist on secret rich people islands .
“ Thank you daddy !
” said Chettington after inspecting his new possession .
“ I can ’ t wait to put my Doubloons in here.
” Reached for comment Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said there was nothing he can do about taxing rich people who hide their money offshore , but said he would send a team to the Caymans to investigate , and also to check on how his own Piggy Bank was doing @

Cayman Islands – In a right of passage for every child of the .01%, young Mister Chettington Irvine McCain Weston, 6, has been brought to the Cayman Islands in order to open his first offshore piggy bank.
“This way Chettington!” said his father Hipley as they walked past the safety deposit boxes and the pool of solid gold coins towards the piggy bank. “Here is where you’ll deposit the rare stamps grandpa Manrus gave you for your birthday, as well as the weekly allowance of 10,000 Swiss Francs you get for taking out the garbage.”
“If you save properly, it may just grow into real money over time!” he added.
In addition to being entirely out of the reach of Canadian tax collectors, offshore piggy banks tend to have slightly different features than their domestic counterparts. They’re larger, as they have to hold faberge eggs. Instead of clay or plastic they’re made out of a rare silk that smells like champagne. And, despite the name, they’re usually made in the shape of much rarer animals like the Siberian Tiger or the talking dogs that only exist on secret rich people islands.
“Thank you daddy!” said Chettington after inspecting his new possession. “I can’t wait to put my Doubloons in here.”
Reached for comment Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said there was nothing he can do about taxing rich people who hide their money offshore, but said he would send a team to the Caymans to investigate, and also to check on how his own Piggy Bank was doing.