thebeaverton--2020-06-04--Jet Ski ends its relationship with Stockwell Day

OTTAWA – Personal watercraft manufacturer Jet Ski has ended its relationship with Stockwell Day after the spokesman denied there was systemic racism in Canada .
“ Our relationship with Mr. Day , which we never agreed to the first place , has ended , ” said a Jet Ski press release .
“ Mr .
Day ’ s recent claim that racial discrimination is equivalent to his being bullied as a child does not represent the Jet Ski community.
” Day has long promoted the brand , making the recreational vessel his sole form of transportation starting with his failed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the Treasury Board , Day routinely made ministerial responses in Question Period by revving the 80 hp engine .
“ For twenty years , our brand , through no action on our part , has been linked to Stockwell Day , ” explained a Jet Ski representative .
“ He routinely shows up at our showrooms and somehow finds out where we ’ re shooting advertisements to photobomb them .
He is , quite frankly , obsessed with us .
But since everyone else is getting rid of him right now , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a try.
” At press time , Day was leaving on a Jet Ski , not sure when he ’ ll be back again .

OTTAWA – Personal watercraft manufacturer Jet Ski has ended its relationship with Stockwell Day after the spokesman denied there was systemic racism in Canada.
“Our relationship with Mr. Day, which we never agreed to the first place, has ended,” said a Jet Ski press release. “Mr. Day’s recent claim that racial discrimination is equivalent to his being bullied as a child does not represent the Jet Ski community.”
Day has long promoted the brand, making the recreational vessel his sole form of transportation starting with his failed 2000 federal election campaign. While President of the Treasury Board, Day routinely made ministerial responses in Question Period by revving the 80 hp engine.
“For twenty years, our brand, through no action on our part, has been linked to Stockwell Day,” explained a Jet Ski representative. “He routinely shows up at our showrooms and somehow finds out where we’re shooting advertisements to photobomb them. He is, quite frankly, obsessed with us. But since everyone else is getting rid of him right now, we thought we’d give it a try.”
At press time, Day was leaving on a Jet Ski, not sure when he’ll be back again.


thebeaverton--2020-06-05--Jeff Bezos on track to become first man to steal a trillion dollars from his employees

MEDINA , WA – A new report suggests that Amazon founder Jeff Bezos could become the first man on earth to successfully steal a trillion dollars from his employees .
“ Tim Cook , Elon Musk , the Waltons – they ’ ve all hoarded money that should have been used to pay their employees a living wage , ” said Mariah Blackstone , the analyst who compiled the data on Bezos .
“ But Jeff ’ s multi-pronged wealth extraction system is unparalleled .
He underpays his workforce , deprives them of any amenity that could cost him money @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a cent in taxes that could be used to help the employees he ’ s abusing .
It ’ s triple robbery , and it ’ s brilliant.
” Bezos ’ s innovation grows his net worth by a whopping 34 % every year .
That puts him on track to become the first trillionaire wage thief by 2026 , when either an alive Bezos or his guillotined head will turn 62 years old .
“ When you adjust for inflation , John D. Rockefeller stole way more money , ” Blackstone continued @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when he failed to monetize the Spanish Flu – an opportunity that Jeff seized with the gleeful , coldblooded zeal of a carpet viper.
” As for Bezos ’ s employees , they ’ re thrilled to be a little part of history .
“ That ’ s how capitalism works – you work hard , and it pays off , ” said Patricia Brooks , a single mom and Amazon driver who works three additional jobs to afford her daughter ’ s insulin .
“ The only thing separating me from Jeff @ @ @ @ @ @ @ work , a modest $ 300,000 loan from my parents , and some severe male pattern baldness masquerading as a fashion choice.
” Amazon warehouse worker Suraj Bhatt agrees .
“ If I stole a trillion dollars , I ’ ll want the plebes to defend me too , ” Bhatt said , adjusting the adult diaper he has to wear on shift because he ’ s not allowed to go to the bathroom .
“ But then again , Jeff ’ s idea was unique .
I mean , selling books ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” So how is Jeff Bezos spending his employee ’ s rent money ?
Anonymous insiders report that Bezos intends to focus on things he ’ s truly passionate about : becoming the most mediocre private space company in America , and getting divorced .

MEDINA, WA – A new report suggests that Amazon founder Jeff Bezos could become the first man on earth to successfully steal a trillion dollars from his employees.
“Tim Cook, Elon Musk, the Waltons – they’ve all hoarded money that should have been used to pay their employees a living wage,” said Mariah Blackstone, the analyst who compiled the data on Bezos. “But Jeff’s multi-pronged wealth extraction system is unparalleled. He underpays his workforce, deprives them of any amenity that could cost him money, and he doesn’t pay a cent in taxes that could be used to help the employees he’s abusing. It’s triple robbery, and it’s brilliant.”
Bezos’s innovation grows his net worth by a whopping 34% every year. That puts him on track to become the first trillionaire wage thief by 2026, when either an alive Bezos or his guillotined head will turn 62 years old.
“When you adjust for inflation, John D. Rockefeller stole way more money,” Blackstone continued. “But Rockefeller really missed out when he failed to monetize the Spanish Flu – an opportunity that Jeff seized with the gleeful, coldblooded zeal of a carpet viper.”
As for Bezos’s employees, they’re thrilled to be a little part of history.
“That’s how capitalism works – you work hard, and it pays off,” said Patricia Brooks, a single mom and Amazon driver who works three additional jobs to afford her daughter’s insulin. “The only thing separating me from Jeff Bezos is a few years of hard work, a modest $300,000 loan from my parents, and some severe male pattern baldness masquerading as a fashion choice.”
Amazon warehouse worker Suraj Bhatt agrees. “If I stole a trillion dollars, I’ll want the plebes to defend me too,” Bhatt said, adjusting the adult diaper he has to wear on shift because he’s not allowed to go to the bathroom. “But then again, Jeff’s idea was unique. I mean, selling books? I never would have thought of that.”
So how is Jeff Bezos spending his employee’s rent money? Anonymous insiders report that Bezos intends to focus on things he’s truly passionate about: becoming the most mediocre private space company in America, and getting divorced.


thebeaverton--2020-06-05--Justin Trudeau still pausing

Justin Trudeau still pausing

OTTAWA – This past Tuesday , Justin Trudeau took a 21 second pause before commenting on Donald Trump ’ s use of military action against protestors .
Three days after the briefing , sources report that the Prime Minister was still in a state of pause .
“ He hasn ’ t left the podium since the press conference , ” said a concerned aide .
“ He keeps opening his mouth , closing it , and looking appropriately grave and hesitant .
We ’ ve tried to get him to come back inside but he kept muttering ‘ horror @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Eye-witnesses claim that Trudeau has been standing stoically outside his house , skimming through a thesaurus app on his phone in search of vague synonyms to use the next time he ’ s asked to directly address the President ’ s actions .
“ We ’ ve always looked to our leader for soothing platitudes that dance around a pressing issue , ” whispered a cabinet minister .
“ It never really mattered what he said , so long as he said something .
I just wish he would have described the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so many others in order to buy himself some time.
” “ Now more than ever , Canadians need to hear our Prime Minister express how it ’ s finally time for us to begin to become aware of the problem of racism in Canada , without offering any change at a systemic level.
” Some of Trudeau ’ s advisors worry that if the Prime Minister condemns the actions of President Trump too harshly , or even at all , it could alienate many of his supporters and harm his already pristine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the midst of the Prime Minister ’ s 72 ongoing pause , he has taken the time to scribble away furiously while staring off glassy-eyed into the distance .
Scraps of paper that have flown off his podium read : ‘ Don ’ t bring up Aladdin blackface , ’ ‘ Pipeline protests different , need to be stopped , ’ and ‘ Need more musing on what is race even ?
’ As of this morning , after reporters asked Trudeau to comment on the death of Indigenous woman Chantal Moore at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the Prime Minister stopped talking altogether .
His silence is expected to last well into the remainder of his term .

OTTAWA – This past Tuesday, Justin Trudeau took a 21 second pause before commenting on Donald Trump’s use of military action against protestors. Three days after the briefing, sources report that the Prime Minister was still in a state of pause.
“He hasn’t left the podium since the press conference,” said a concerned aide. “He keeps opening his mouth, closing it, and looking appropriately grave and hesitant. We’ve tried to get him to come back inside but he kept muttering ‘horror and consternation’ over and over again.”
Eye-witnesses claim that Trudeau has been standing stoically outside his house, skimming through a thesaurus app on his phone in search of vague synonyms to use the next time he’s asked to directly address the President’s actions.
“We’ve always looked to our leader for soothing platitudes that dance around a pressing issue,” whispered a cabinet minister. “It never really mattered what he said, so long as he said something. I just wish he would have described the actions of the President as indescribable like so many others in order to buy himself some time.”
“Now more than ever, Canadians need to hear our Prime Minister express how it’s finally time for us to begin to become aware of the problem of racism in Canada, without offering any change at a systemic level.”
Some of Trudeau’s advisors worry that if the Prime Minister condemns the actions of President Trump too harshly, or even at all, it could alienate many of his supporters and harm his already pristine relationship with the United States.
In the midst of the Prime Minister’s 72 ongoing pause, he has taken the time to scribble away furiously while staring off glassy-eyed into the distance. Scraps of paper that have flown off his podium read: ‘Don’t bring up Aladdin blackface,’ ‘Pipeline protests different, need to be stopped,’ and ‘Need more musing on what is race even?’
As of this morning, after reporters asked Trudeau to comment on the death of Indigenous woman Chantal Moore at the hands of police in New Brunswick, the Prime Minister stopped talking altogether. His silence is expected to last well into the remainder of his term.


thebeaverton--2020-06-06--LEGO recalls police sets after discovering pieces break down under slightest pressure

DENMARK – The LEGO corporation issued an announcement yesterday that it will be recalling all police-related toy sets after thousands of angry customers reported that the pieces broke down dangerously when placed under the smallest amount of pressure .
Washington mother Andrea Marshall emailed LEGO last week after her ten-year-old son was sent to the hospital following an all-too-common run-in with a particularly brittle Police Chief minifigure .
“ LEGO has always been painful to step on , ” she snapped , “ but this was on a whole other level .
My boy Damien just looked at the damn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sending little plastic handcuffs shooting into his eye .
Is it too much to ask that the toys I pay for to keep my children happy and healthy at the very least don ’ t cause them severe injury ?
” LEGO CEO Niels B. Christiansen explained that although his company ’ s move has been protested by some , after testing the product and witnessing firsthand the potential lethality of the sets ’ unchecked fragility , the choice was ultimately a no-brainer .
“ After hearing countless stories of innocent people being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to function the way they were advertised , pulling them from the shelves was an easy decision to make , ” Christiansen explained , showing off a minifig whose tiny bodycam had snapped off and become lodged in a customer ’ s throat .
“ I ’ m honestly just appalled that we put such an obviously dangerous product out into the world and I apologize for not protecting the public from this clear menace.
” “ Going forward , we ’ ll be replacing the recalled police toys with a new line @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all the same fun of watching over your LEGO townsfolk , but with no casualties.
” This recall is not without controversy , as some hold the opinion that if people don ’ t want the pieces to break so easily , they should just leave them alone .
“ If these whiny , fun-hating safety experts think that they can just get rid of my precious police sets , they have another thing coming , ” vowed 50-year-old avid LEGO enthusiast Greg Filbert .
“ If you don ’ t want to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ interact with the LEGO police .
Children ’ s plastic miniatures aren ’ t meant to be toyed with !
” At press time , LEGO had just announced that it would also be recalling all White House sets in order to properly outfit the President minifigure with his very own bunker and crying pillow .

DENMARK – The LEGO corporation issued an announcement yesterday that it will be recalling all police-related toy sets after thousands of angry customers reported that the pieces broke down dangerously when placed under the smallest amount of pressure.
Washington mother Andrea Marshall emailed LEGO last week after her ten-year-old son was sent to the hospital following an all-too-common run-in with a particularly brittle Police Chief minifigure.
“LEGO has always been painful to step on,” she snapped, “but this was on a whole other level. My boy Damien just looked at the damn figurine and it exploded on him, sending little plastic handcuffs shooting into his eye. Is it too much to ask that the toys I pay for to keep my children happy and healthy at the very least don’t cause them severe injury?”
LEGO CEO Niels B. Christiansen explained that although his company’s move has been protested by some, after testing the product and witnessing firsthand the potential lethality of the sets’ unchecked fragility, the choice was ultimately a no-brainer.
“After hearing countless stories of innocent people being injured after expecting the LEGO police pieces to function the way they were advertised, pulling them from the shelves was an easy decision to make,” Christiansen explained, showing off a minifig whose tiny bodycam had snapped off and become lodged in a customer’s throat. “I’m honestly just appalled that we put such an obviously dangerous product out into the world and I apologize for not protecting the public from this clear menace.”
“Going forward, we’ll be replacing the recalled police toys with a new line of Social Worker minifigures. They provide all the same fun of watching over your LEGO townsfolk, but with no casualties.”
This recall is not without controversy, as some hold the opinion that if people don’t want the pieces to break so easily, they should just leave them alone.
“If these whiny, fun-hating safety experts think that they can just get rid of my precious police sets, they have another thing coming,” vowed 50-year-old avid LEGO enthusiast Greg Filbert. “If you don’t want to get hurt, just don’t interact with the LEGO police. Children’s plastic miniatures aren’t meant to be toyed with!”
At press time, LEGO had just announced that it would also be recalling all White House sets in order to properly outfit the President minifigure with his very own bunker and crying pillow.


thebeaverton--2020-06-06--OPINION: It is nobody’s business what Lindsey Graham does in the privacy of his own voting record

As salacious rumours have begun swirling online about a certain republican senator with the initials “ LG ” , I want to remind everybody that it is absolutely nobody ’ s business what Lindsey Graham gets up to when he is voting against workplace protections for LGBTQ people in the privacy of his own agenda .
Sure , gossip can be fun , and it ’ s easy to get caught up in the adolescent thrill of speculating about what elected official known as “ Lady G ” compared same-sex relationships to polygamy and voted against an inclusive definition of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do is simply to allow him the dignity to deny gay people ’ s rights in peace .
Lindsey Graham is a human being who is entitled to a reasonable expectation of privacy when it comes to his record of voting against allowing LGBTQ couples to adopt children .
What he and other consenting homophobes decide to legislate behind closed doors is entirely their business .
The Republican Senator from South Carolina is clearly the victim of a double standard .
The same people who delight in revealing that Lindsey Graham refused to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ couples would NEVER go around shaming another politician for voting in favour of gay rights .
Think about that for a second .
When you say things like “ oh , of course Lindsey Graham stood by the state of South Carolina when they refused to provide benefits to same-sex partners in the National Guard .
Most homophobic politicians have terrible voting records on gay issues , ” think about the message you ’ re sending to all the homophobic politicians out there who are too scared to openly vote against LGBTQ rights @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it is hurtful .
So next time some muckraking gossip-monger goes digging into the lurid details of how a politician has consistently stood in the way of LGBTQ equality , do the responsible thing and don ’ t pay any attention .
Especially if it ’ s about , say , Tom Cotton .

As salacious rumours have begun swirling online about a certain republican senator with the initials “LG”, I want to remind everybody that it is absolutely nobody’s business what Lindsey Graham gets up to when he is voting against workplace protections for LGBTQ people in the privacy of his own agenda.
Sure, gossip can be fun, and it’s easy to get caught up in the adolescent thrill of speculating about what elected official known as “Lady G” compared same-sex relationships to polygamy and voted against an inclusive definition of marriage, but the mature thing to do is simply to allow him the dignity to deny gay people’s rights in peace.
Lindsey Graham is a human being who is entitled to a reasonable expectation of privacy when it comes to his record of voting against allowing LGBTQ couples to adopt children. What he and other consenting homophobes decide to legislate behind closed doors is entirely their business.
The Republican Senator from South Carolina is clearly the victim of a double standard. The same people who delight in revealing that Lindsey Graham refused to support an immigration bill that included same-sex couples would NEVER go around shaming another politician for voting in favour of gay rights. Think about that for a second.
When you say things like “oh, of course Lindsey Graham stood by the state of South Carolina when they refused to provide benefits to same-sex partners in the National Guard. Most homophobic politicians have terrible voting records on gay issues,” think about the message you’re sending to all the homophobic politicians out there who are too scared to openly vote against LGBTQ rights. They hear your message, and it is hurtful.
So next time some muckraking gossip-monger goes digging into the lurid details of how a politician has consistently stood in the way of LGBTQ equality, do the responsible thing and don’t pay any attention. Especially if it’s about, say, Tom Cotton.


thebeaverton--2020-06-07--Oops! JK Rowling’s new children’s book has a 60-page TERF manifesto in the middle

LONDON , UK – Harry Potter author JK Rowling has come under fire after her new children ’ s book The Ickabog was published online with a novella-length TERF manifesto in the middle .
“ It was weird , ” said Jenna Thurston , a mommy blogger who read the ebook to her two sons .
“ One minute , Lord Spittleworth was talking to Lord Flapoon about the commotion in the courtyard , and the next , some omniscient narrator is all ‘ biological-sex ’ this , and ‘ women ’ s-lived-experiences ’ that.
” “ My 8-year-old asked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Ickabog to understand the difference between gender and sex , and I had to tell him I didn ’ t know.
” The children ’ s book transitions to a full-on raving manifesto very suddenly , though early passages seem to foreshadow what ’ s to come .
On page 12 , the Ickabog discusses how she is a girl Ickabog because she has “ girl Ickabog parts , ” , and later on , she does a weirdly in-depth analysis about gender essentialism .
The Ickabog even narrates changing her tampon @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as “ a bit much.
” The book ’ s British publisher , Bloombury UK , was quick to issue a retraction .
“ We deeply regret the error , ” a rep for Bloombury commented .
“ Our social media manager accidentally mixed in out-of-context portions of an adult manuscript from one of our other authors , Bobby Galbraith.
” The TERF movement , or Trans-exclusionary Radical Feminism , is an ideology largely embraced by wealthy white women with no friends who aim to unfairly exclude trans women from feminist spaces .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ point to the contrary , JK Rowling is adamant that she is not prejudiced against trans people .
But fans are not buying it .
“ I mean , this is Jo we ’ re talking about here , ” said Alyse Edwards , bassist for Potter rock band The Splinched Sickles .
“ If someone calls her out for being problematic , her only solution is to retcon her way out of it .
Remember when she revealed that Dumbledore was gay , or that there was a Jewish wizard in Ravenclaw @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she hasn ’ t retroactively made Dobby trans is an indicator to me that she maybe doesn ’ t understand how harmful transphobia is.
” As for The Ickabog , publishers are expected to remove all TERF-related language before the book is available for physical release in November , though as a compromise she will have a brief monologue at the end about the PC police and cancel culture .

LONDON, UK – Harry Potter author JK Rowling has come under fire after her new children’s book The Ickabog was published online with a novella-length TERF manifesto in the middle.
“It was weird,” said Jenna Thurston, a mommy blogger who read the ebook to her two sons. “One minute, Lord Spittleworth was talking to Lord Flapoon about the commotion in the courtyard, and the next, some omniscient narrator is all ‘biological-sex’ this, and ‘women’s-lived-experiences’ that.”
“My 8-year-old asked me why it was so hard for the Ickabog to understand the difference between gender and sex, and I had to tell him I didn’t know.”
The children’s book transitions to a full-on raving manifesto very suddenly, though early passages seem to foreshadow what’s to come. On page 12, the Ickabog discusses how she is a girl Ickabog because she has “girl Ickabog parts,”, and later on, she does a weirdly in-depth analysis about gender essentialism. The Ickabog even narrates changing her tampon twice, which other early reviewers described as “a bit much.”
The book’s British publisher, Bloombury UK, was quick to issue a retraction.
“We deeply regret the error,” a rep for Bloombury commented. “Our social media manager accidentally mixed in out-of-context portions of an adult manuscript from one of our other authors, Bobby Galbraith.”
The TERF movement, or Trans-exclusionary Radical Feminism, is an ideology largely embraced by wealthy white women with no friends who aim to unfairly exclude trans women from feminist spaces. Despite multiple social media slip ups that point to the contrary, JK Rowling is adamant that she is not prejudiced against trans people. But fans are not buying it.
“I mean, this is Jo we’re talking about here,” said Alyse Edwards, bassist for Potter rock band The Splinched Sickles. “If someone calls her out for being problematic, her only solution is to retcon her way out of it. Remember when she revealed that Dumbledore was gay, or that there was a Jewish wizard in Ravenclaw this whole time? The fact that she hasn’t retroactively made Dobby trans is an indicator to me that she maybe doesn’t understand how harmful transphobia is.”
As for The Ickabog, publishers are expected to remove all TERF-related language before the book is available for physical release in November, though as a compromise she will have a brief monologue at the end about the PC police and cancel culture.


thebeaverton--2020-06-07--Printer Finally Admits: I Had More Toner In Me

VICTORIA – This week in a remarkable display of altruism an HP Tango X Laserjet sent shockwaves through the stationary scene when it admitted its ‘ low toner ’ alert was a bold-faced-lie .
With a cigarette between its lid and scanner , tattoo in its input tray , and an eyepatch attached to its panel , the Laserjet was quoted as saying , “ I had toner oozin ’ out every hole.
” The two-year-old Hewlett Packard laserjet printer and self-described “ Tory ” came under fire when it was questioned via throwing and smashing as to “ why @ @ @ @ @ @ @ replacement was “ so fucking low.
” After only making it to page 35 of its owners ’ gritty Peppa Pig reboot ‘ Peppa Pig : Traugh the Hook ’ , the combination printer-scanner ( a steal at the time ) refused to continue .
Household sources confirmed that it used to be able to get through two page resumes – three if you included improvisation training .
The owner says : “ I used to be able to print up to 20 pictures of Eliza Dushku at a time , Pinterest boards @ @ @ @ @ @ @ single image of former President Garfield – for my den of course.
” HP Tango X however , opines that it ’ s tired of wasting tree flesh on its owners ’ basicness , saying “ You can print 100 more recipes of slow-cooked brisket– SCREEP , — you ’ ll never be a Michelin star chef , Nigel — SCREEP — also I ’ m sleeping with your wife –SCREEP ” Wider reports have revealed that this is not an isolated incident .
A 64-year-old Vancouver woman confirmed that her Canon fax-copier-scanner @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rhames from the neck up while just screaming at her .
When asked for comment , ‘ Canon Maxify ’ said : “ INDECIPHERABLE FAX SLURS ” .

VICTORIA – This week in a remarkable display of altruism an HP Tango X Laserjet sent shockwaves through the stationary scene when it admitted its ‘low toner’ alert was a bold-faced-lie. With a cigarette between its lid and scanner, tattoo in its input tray, and an eyepatch attached to its panel, the Laserjet was quoted as saying, “I had toner oozin’ out every hole.”
The two-year-old Hewlett Packard laserjet printer and self-described “Tory” came under fire when it was questioned via throwing and smashing as to “why the fuck” its brand new toner replacement was “so fucking low.”
After only making it to page 35 of its owners’ gritty Peppa Pig reboot ‘Peppa Pig: Traugh the Hook’, the combination printer-scanner (a steal at the time) refused to continue. Household sources confirmed that it used to be able to get through two page resumes – three if you included improvisation training. The owner says: “I used to be able to print up to 20 pictures of Eliza Dushku at a time, Pinterest boards of broadswords I like, and a single image of former President Garfield – for my den of course.”
HP Tango X however, opines that it’s tired of wasting tree flesh on its owners’ basicness, saying “You can print 100 more recipes of slow-cooked brisket– SCREEP, — you’ll never be a Michelin star chef, Nigel — SCREEP — also I’m sleeping with your wife –SCREEP”
Wider reports have revealed that this is not an isolated incident. A 64-year-old Vancouver woman confirmed that her Canon fax-copier-scanner is only spitting out pictures of Ving Rhames from the neck up while just screaming at her. When asked for comment, ‘Canon Maxify’ said: “INDECIPHERABLE FAX SLURS”.


thebeaverton--2020-06-08--Internet worried it will run out of vital supplies of porn

THE INTERNET – Amid mass shortages of supplies of daily necessities like toilet paper and cleaning products , anxiety has started to increase with respect to a shortage of pornography available online .
“ The average porn consumer watches between 16 to 18 hours of pornography non-stop each and every day , ” said Dr. Emil Turnheimer of the University of Lower Detroit .
“ At that rate the population will totally exhaust the currently available reserves of porn online within three weeks , assuming dehydration doesn ’ t get to them first.
” The concern among suppliers is not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to produce any new products during these times of social distancing .
Statistics have revealed that the top five pornography producers in North America generated only 35,000 new fuck films in the preceding week , a drop of 88 % from normal times .
“ You ever try to shoot a scene with Lord of the Rings-style forced perspective to make it seem like two performers are actually close to one another ?
Or to choreograph a pop shot when the performers have to maintain a distance of two metres at all times @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and aim necessary just boggles the mind , ” reported Don Chode , a Las Vegas porn producer .
“ Our mop budget is through the roof these days.
” Porn that is being produced is already reflecting the realities of social distancing in the current pandemic .
Narratives now involve : pizza delivery boys leaving a pizza on the front porch before retreating to the safety of his car and masturbating furiously ; busty nurses making sure they are adequately covered in personal protective equipment before conducting a thorough physical of their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ seduce naive schoolgirls via Zoom app .
That said , some porn industries are experiencing an upsurge in sales , with BDSM movies becoming incredibly popular , given the natural protection offered by gimp suits .
Titles have also pivoted to appeal to people undergoing social distancing measures including : “ Flattening Your Curve ” , “ PPE-nis ” , and “ Anthony Fuckci ’ s Backdoor Bangers IX ” .
“ I realize that there ’ s already a lot of porn online already but if I don ’ t get a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ beamed directly into my brain , I ’ ll just lose it !
Believe me , I ’ ve seen it all !
” said Mike Dent , a local porn aficionado .
To combat the situation , the Federal Reserve will be calling in auxiliary porn reserves and releasing its emergency stockpile of old Tijuana Bibles and skin mags .
The War Measures Act has already been invoked to compel companies to convert their current assembly lines to start pumping out nothing but the hardest core pornography .
Families have also been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been asked to ration it out to family members slowly until porn levels climb back to previous highs .
Finally , Prime Minister Trudeau has announced that Porn Bonds featuring completely nude Canadian politicians will be available for purchase as a means of fundraising during these dark times Medical professionals recommend that , until porn production can resume its past volume , consumers simply rub oddly shaped root-vegetables against each other and imagine really hard .

THE INTERNET – Amid mass shortages of supplies of daily necessities like toilet paper and cleaning products, anxiety has started to increase with respect to a shortage of pornography available online.
“The average porn consumer watches between 16 to 18 hours of pornography non-stop each and every day,” said Dr. Emil Turnheimer of the University of Lower Detroit. “At that rate the population will totally exhaust the currently available reserves of porn online within three weeks, assuming dehydration doesn’t get to them first.”
The concern among suppliers is not increased demand, but rather the inability to produce any new products during these times of social distancing. Statistics have revealed that the top five pornography producers in North America generated only 35,000 new fuck films in the preceding week, a drop of 88% from normal times.
“You ever try to shoot a scene with Lord of the Rings-style forced perspective to make it seem like two performers are actually close to one another? Or to choreograph a pop shot when the performers have to maintain a distance of two metres at all times? I mean the sheer prostate pressure and aim necessary just boggles the mind,” reported Don Chode, a Las Vegas porn producer. “Our mop budget is through the roof these days.”
Porn that is being produced is already reflecting the realities of social distancing in the current pandemic. Narratives now involve: pizza delivery boys leaving a pizza on the front porch before retreating to the safety of his car and masturbating furiously; busty nurses making sure they are adequately covered in personal protective equipment before conducting a thorough physical of their patients; and University professors forced to seduce naive schoolgirls via Zoom app.
That said, some porn industries are experiencing an upsurge in sales, with BDSM movies becoming incredibly popular, given the natural protection offered by gimp suits. Titles have also pivoted to appeal to people undergoing social distancing measures including: “Flattening Your Curve”, “PPE-nis”, and “Anthony Fuckci’s Backdoor Bangers IX”.
“I realize that there’s already a lot of porn online already but if I don’t get a constant stream of new, titillating content beamed directly into my brain, I’ll just lose it! Believe me, I’ve seen it all!” said Mike Dent, a local porn aficionado.
“ALL OF IT!!!” he emphasized.
To combat the situation, the Federal Reserve will be calling in auxiliary porn reserves and releasing its emergency stockpile of old Tijuana Bibles and skin mags. The War Measures Act has already been invoked to compel companies to convert their current assembly lines to start pumping out nothing but the hardest core pornography. Families have also been issued an emergency crate of porn and been asked to ration it out to family members slowly until porn levels climb back to previous highs.
Finally, Prime Minister Trudeau has announced that Porn Bonds featuring completely nude Canadian politicians will be available for purchase as a means of fundraising during these dark times
Medical professionals recommend that, until porn production can resume its past volume, consumers simply rub oddly shaped root-vegetables against each other and imagine really hard.


thebeaverton--2020-06-08--Government finally funds Canadian artists

OTTAWA – To the shock and disbelief of thousands of actors , musicians , and arts administrators across the country , the CERB payments necessitated by the COVID-19 outbreak have provided Canada ’ s artists with sufficient governmental funding for the first time in Canada ’ s history .
30-year-old emerging actor Christine Millet could barely contain her enthusiasm about what the $ 2000 a month meant to her and others in her profession .
“ Historically , the way Canadian artists got financial assistance is we all lined up on the steps of Parliament every morning and whoever was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” she explained .
“ CERB is the best thing to happen to the Canadian artistic community since the penny was discontinued and they started throwing nickels !
” Award-winning Artistic Director Theresa Greenwood was over the moon to receive more money than her professional theatre company had ever received in government assistance in its 20-year existence .
“ It ’ s taken a century and half , but I finally see evidence of our government and its leaders realizing that the arts exist , ” she enthused , happily paying off @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had incurred renting venues , paying actors , holding workshops , and organizing independent fundraisers .
“ Or at least evidence that they can ’ t legally exclude the artistic community from financial aid this time .
What a win !
” Justin Trudeau took to the podium last week to praise the resilience of Canada ’ s artists in the face of decades of knowing the government couldn ’ t care less about them or their contributions to society .
“ Canadians have always created incredibly moving and important art with passion @ @ @ @ @ @ @ amount of government funding , ” Trudeau explained .
“ But I ’ m proud to say that by simply acknowledging that artists need to eat and pay rent like normal human beings , my government has become the greatest patron of the arts our country has ever seen.
” In other artistic funding news , it was recently announced that the money taken from Ontario ’ s Indigenous Culture Fund last year was being reallocated to pay for an all-white male comedy troupe ’ s sketch revue about what it truly means @ @ @ @

OTTAWA – To the shock and disbelief of thousands of actors, musicians, and arts administrators across the country, the CERB payments necessitated by the COVID-19 outbreak have provided Canada’s artists with sufficient governmental funding for the first time in Canada’s history.
30-year-old emerging actor Christine Millet could barely contain her enthusiasm about what the $2000 a month meant to her and others in her profession.
“Historically, the way Canadian artists got financial assistance is we all lined up on the steps of Parliament every morning and whoever was there that day threw pennies at us,” she explained. “CERB is the best thing to happen to the Canadian artistic community since the penny was discontinued and they started throwing nickels!”
Award-winning Artistic Director Theresa Greenwood was over the moon to receive more money than her professional theatre company had ever received in government assistance in its 20-year existence.
“It’s taken a century and half, but I finally see evidence of our government and its leaders realizing that the arts exist,” she enthused, happily paying off a tiny fraction of the debts she had incurred renting venues, paying actors, holding workshops, and organizing independent fundraisers. “Or at least evidence that they can’t legally exclude the artistic community from financial aid this time. What a win!”
Justin Trudeau took to the podium last week to praise the resilience of Canada’s artists in the face of decades of knowing the government couldn’t care less about them or their contributions to society.
“Canadians have always created incredibly moving and important art with passion, ingenuity, and a laughably tiny amount of government funding,” Trudeau explained. “But I’m proud to say that by simply acknowledging that artists need to eat and pay rent like normal human beings, my government has become the greatest patron of the arts our country has ever seen.”
In other artistic funding news, it was recently announced that the money taken from Ontario’s Indigenous Culture Fund last year was being reallocated to pay for an all-white male comedy troupe’s sketch revue about what it truly means to be Canadian.


thebeaverton--2020-06-08--Ford: “Ontario to slowly re-open COVID-19 outbreaks”

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has announced his government will be carefully re-opening the province to COVID-19 outbreaks .
@ @ @ @ @ reported yesterday , the premier stated he will reintroduce the virus to businesses , public @ @ @ @ @ a regional basis .
“ SARS-COVID-2 will now be allowed to access restaurants , bar @ @ @ @ @ for all of us to enjoy , ” said Ford .
“ Cutting the medical @ @ @ @ @ finally open for business.
” While restrictions remain in place for the GTA , the @ @ @ @ @ other areas of the province whose hospitals and morgues have been hit hard by a @ @ @ @ @ press time , Ford said he would make the spread of the disease more efficient @ @ @ @ @ into one big outbreak .

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has announced his government will be carefully re-opening the province to COVID-19 outbreaks.
With over 200 new cases reported yesterday, the premier stated he will reintroduce the virus to businesses, public events, and workplaces on a regional basis.
“SARS-COVID-2 will now be allowed to access restaurants, bar patios, and hair salons for all of us to enjoy,” said Ford. “Cutting the medical red tape means Ontario is finally open for business.”
While restrictions remain in place for the GTA, the coronavirus will be welcomed in other areas of the province whose hospitals and morgues have been hit hard by a lack of visitors.
At press time, Ford said he would make the spread of the disease more efficient by combining several small outbreaks into one big outbreak.


thebeaverton--2020-06-08--Toyota deeply regrets “Catch the Corolla Virus” ad campaign

JAPAN – Following an immense public backlash , Toyota Motor Corporation has issued a complete and unequivocal apology for the poorly considered wording of their multi-media ad campaign titled “ Catch the Corolla Virus.
” “ We were just so excited to introduce the world to the new , 2020 Toyota Corolla – now with passenger side automatic seat adjusters – that we failed to see the way some people might interpret the message , ” said Yuto Watanabe , chief spokesperson for Toyota .
“ I guess inadvertently comparing a disease currently ravaging the entire planet , plunging economies @ @ @ @ @ @ @ death and suffering to a car is kind of a bad thing.
” Backlash to the campaign was swift and uncompromising , and included citizens from every country across the globe .
When surveyed for the most offensive parts of the ad , 45 % of respondents stated “ the whole thing ” while many of the remaining participants focused on the fact that the TV commercial featured individuals from different households who were not socially distancing , and the part near the end where reveal the airbags are made out of N95 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on TV , radio , and online all featured the same voice-over : “ Solitude .
It ’ s something we all want but can never get .
Sometimes you just need an excuse to get away from everyone else .
To be on your own .
In the new 2020 Corolla , you can feel safe in your own bubble , away from the demands of the world .
Spread the message around the world .
Catch the Corolla Virus .
It ’ ll take your breath away.
” “ Yes , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ current context is definitely troubling .
It didn ’ t click when we first wrote it but now that you hear it aloud .
Yikes.
” admitted Watanabe , “ But you have to understand that we sunk a lot of money into trying to capitalize on this whole virus trend and it was just too expensive not to run.
” “ We didn ’ t have this kind of issue during 2003 ’ s “ Toyota ’ s CARS Epidemic ” event !
” he exclaimed in Toyota ’ s defence .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ reached for their comment on the scandal , keen-eyed observers have noted Honda had suddenly discontinued their recently rolled out “ Be part of the Minivandemic ” campaign .

JAPAN – Following an immense public backlash, Toyota Motor Corporation has issued a complete and unequivocal apology for the poorly considered wording of their multi-media ad campaign titled “Catch the Corolla Virus.”
“We were just so excited to introduce the world to the new, 2020 Toyota Corolla – now with passenger side automatic seat adjusters – that we failed to see the way some people might interpret the message,” said Yuto Watanabe, chief spokesperson for Toyota. “I guess inadvertently comparing a disease currently ravaging the entire planet, plunging economies into inconceivable chaos, and causing untold death and suffering to a car is kind of a bad thing.”
Backlash to the campaign was swift and uncompromising, and included citizens from every country across the globe. When surveyed for the most offensive parts of the ad, 45% of respondents stated “the whole thing” while many of the remaining participants focused on the fact that the TV commercial featured individuals from different households who were not socially distancing, and the part near the end where reveal the airbags are made out of N95 masks.
Spots for the campaign broadcast on TV, radio, and online all featured the same voice-over: “Solitude. It’s something we all want but can never get. Sometimes you just need an excuse to get away from everyone else. To be on your own. In the new 2020 Corolla, you can feel safe in your own bubble, away from the demands of the world. Spread the message around the world. Catch the Corolla Virus. It’ll take your breath away.”
“Yes, seeing that ad right now in its current context is definitely troubling. It didn’t click when we first wrote it but now that you hear it aloud. Yikes.” admitted Watanabe, “But you have to understand that we sunk a lot of money into trying to capitalize on this whole virus trend and it was just too expensive not to run.”
“We didn’t have this kind of issue during 2003’s “Toyota’s CARS Epidemic” event!” he exclaimed in Toyota’s defence.
Though other vehicle manufacturers could not be reached for their comment on the scandal, keen-eyed observers have noted Honda had suddenly discontinued their recently rolled out “Be part of the Minivandemic” campaign.


thebeaverton--2020-06-09--Toronto Police Service seeks bold new leader committed to the status quo

TORONTO – Following Toronto Police Chief Mark Saunders ’ announcement that he has chosen to step down , the city ’ s Police Services Board has announced that they are seeking a bold new leader who is committed to avoiding change at all costs .
“ We are proud of the work that Chief Saunders has done during his time as Chief of Police , ” announced mayor John Tory , who is a member of the Police Services Board , “ but now that he has chosen to end his tenure we want to welcome the next generation of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it exciting ideas that challenge our notion of policing as little as possible.
” “ Together , we ’ re not taking any bold steps into the future whatsoever , ” Tory added .
The Toronto Police has a long history of innovation in the field of not innovating .
From police brutality , to racism , to classic coverups , the Toronto Police have succeeded in maintaining a steady continuum of all of the hallmarks of urban policing .
Tory further insisted “ whoever our new Chief of Police will be , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the basis of his or her ability to uphold these unchanging values.
” Board members are hopeful that the new Chief of Police will be able to implement such ineffective strategies as : getting officers to maybe write down the times they might have done something bad : declaring killing people against the rules “ unless you really have to ” ; and asking very nicely to let cops back into the Pride parade .
In response to the Black Lives Matter movement cities across North America have received calls to defund @ @ @ @ @ @ @ motion submitted by Toronto city councillor Josh Matlow .
Whoever steps into Saunders ’ shoes is expected to be tasked with finding the best way to do the opposite of that .
“ We are exploring a number of avenues inside and outside the Toronto Police Services for the best person to make the people of Toronto feel like we ’ re moving forward , while staying firmly in place , ” stated one source who did not wish to be named .
Sources indicate the leading contender for new Toronto Police Chief @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that bounces back up when you try to tip it over .
”

TORONTO – Following Toronto Police Chief Mark Saunders’ announcement that he has chosen to step down, the city’s Police Services Board has announced that they are seeking a bold new leader who is committed to avoiding change at all costs.
“We are proud of the work that Chief Saunders has done during his time as Chief of Police,” announced mayor John Tory, who is a member of the Police Services Board, “but now that he has chosen to end his tenure we want to welcome the next generation of leadership, that will hopefully bring with it exciting ideas that challenge our notion of policing as little as possible.”
“Together, we’re not taking any bold steps into the future whatsoever,” Tory added.
The Toronto Police has a long history of innovation in the field of not innovating. From police brutality, to racism, to classic coverups, the Toronto Police have succeeded in maintaining a steady continuum of all of the hallmarks of urban policing. Tory further insisted “whoever our new Chief of Police will be, he or she will be chosen entirely on the basis of his or her ability to uphold these unchanging values.”
Board members are hopeful that the new Chief of Police will be able to implement such ineffective strategies as: getting officers to maybe write down the times they might have done something bad: declaring killing people against the rules “unless you really have to”; and asking very nicely to let cops back into the Pride parade.
In response to the Black Lives Matter movement cities across North America have received calls to defund their police operations, including a recent motion submitted by Toronto city councillor Josh Matlow. Whoever steps into Saunders’ shoes is expected to be tasked with finding the best way to do the opposite of that.
“We are exploring a number of avenues inside and outside the Toronto Police Services for the best person to make the people of Toronto feel like we’re moving forward, while staying firmly in place,” stated one source who did not wish to be named.
Sources indicate the leading contender for new Toronto Police Chief is “one of those inflatable clowns that bounces back up when you try to tip it over.”


thebeaverton--2020-06-09--Canadian Dam Association releases report on the amount of work done by uncertified beavers

OTTAWA – A shocking centuries-long report has been released by the Canadian Dam Regulation on the amount of work done on the nation ’ s dams by uncertified beaver labourers .
The report details these dams ’ failures on levels of structural integrity , engineering , and permit-gathering .
However the report went on to note the one positive of the reprehensible workmanship , mainly in the incredible amount of adorable cuteness displayed .
“ These dams do not meet our standards , they don ’ t meet ANY standards , frankly .
They don ’ t even generate electricity @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Perhaps most concerning , almost every instance of the dams investigated found that none of these beavers have been financially compensated in any shape or form .
“ How do you expect workers on a dam to take pride in their labour if they aren ’ t even paid for their work ?
” The report stresses the necessity of the Trudeau government to take strict action against these dangerous practices .
In its conclusion , it proposed suing mother nature for fraud , workplace violations , and beaver rights .
“ This @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all of our hard-working and driven beavers who go through the proper channels to prepare for work in the dam industry.
” The report is in conjunction with a similar damning study done by The Forest Professional Regulators of Canada on the amount of logging done by uncertified beavers as well .

OTTAWA – A shocking centuries-long report has been released by the Canadian Dam Regulation on the amount of work done on the nation’s dams by uncertified beaver labourers.
The report details these dams’ failures on levels of structural integrity, engineering, and permit-gathering. However the report went on to note the one positive of the reprehensible workmanship, mainly in the incredible amount of adorable cuteness displayed.
“These dams do not meet our standards, they don’t meet ANY standards, frankly. They don’t even generate electricity,” said an exhausted inspector.
Perhaps most concerning, almost every instance of the dams investigated found that none of these beavers have been financially compensated in any shape or form.
“How do you expect workers on a dam to take pride in their labour if they aren’t even paid for their work?”
The report stresses the necessity of the Trudeau government to take strict action against these dangerous practices. In its conclusion, it proposed suing mother nature for fraud, workplace violations, and beaver rights.
“This is a slap in the face to all of our hard-working and driven beavers who go through the proper channels to prepare for work in the dam industry.”
The report is in conjunction with a similar damning study done by The Forest Professional Regulators of Canada on the amount of logging done by uncertified beavers as well.


thebeaverton--2020-06-10--Amid J.K. Rowling controversy, local woman can finally admit she has never read any Harry Potter boo

Amid J.K. Rowling controversy, local woman can finally admit she has never read any Harry Potter books

HALIFAX , N.S .
– Following controversial comments made by J.K. Rowling on the validity of trans women , 36 year old Heather Markowski can finally admit she has never read any of the Harry Potter books .
“ I ’ ve never really understood the point of stories about wizards or magic .
The fact that so many people could support something I just couldn ’ t wrap my around was surprising .
I managed to keep my comments to myself for over 20 years , but not anymore , ” said Markowski .
After years of silently listening @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mutual appreciation of the beloved book series , Markowski is now free to speak her truth on the books .
“ You expect me to believe this boy , who was never a wizard before , is suddenly a wizard because an ogre named Dumbo shows up to his house and tells him he is ?
Then he runs into a wall and enters a wizard parallel universe where witch hats organise you into an arbitrary class system ?
” asked Markowski .
“ I just don ’ t think J.K. Rowling , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ trusting ” she continued about the author , who is sometimes known to identify as Robert Galbraith .
Markowski plans to spend her week explaining to friends and family why the series is fundamentally incorrect , based on her own human experience , and nothing else .
After all , it perpetuates the mistaken idea that there exists a world where everyone , regardless of their differences , can be accepted for exactly who they are .
According to Markowski ’ s mother , June Feldman , this type of unsolicited ranting isn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ She just likes to speak her mind , whether we care for it or not .
You know , she writes stories about living on a planet in another galaxy .
It doesn ’ t matter to her that that ’ s scientifically impossible , because you know , wizards.
” At press time , Markowski prepared a Powerpoint presentation to outline why she also refuses to read Lord of the Rings because the word “ Hobbit ” wasn ’ t technically a word when the book was first published .

HALIFAX, N.S. – Following controversial comments made by J.K. Rowling on the validity of trans women, 36 year old Heather Markowski can finally admit she has never read any of the Harry Potter books.
“I’ve never really understood the point of stories about wizards or magic. The fact that so many people could support something I just couldn’t wrap my around was surprising. I managed to keep my comments to myself for over 20 years, but not anymore,” said Markowski.
After years of silently listening to her friends and family discuss their mutual appreciation of the beloved book series, Markowski is now free to speak her truth on the books.
“You expect me to believe this boy, who was never a wizard before, is suddenly a wizard because an ogre named Dumbo shows up to his house and tells him he is? Then he runs into a wall and enters a wizard parallel universe where witch hats organise you into an arbitrary class system?” asked Markowski. “I just don’t think J.K. Rowling, is someone whose beliefs we should be trusting” she continued about the author, who is sometimes known to identify as Robert Galbraith.
Markowski plans to spend her week explaining to friends and family why the series is fundamentally incorrect, based on her own human experience, and nothing else. After all, it perpetuates the mistaken idea that there exists a world where everyone, regardless of their differences, can be accepted for exactly who they are.
According to Markowski’s mother, June Feldman, this type of unsolicited ranting isn’t uncommon for her daughter. “She just likes to speak her mind, whether we care for it or not. You know, she writes stories about living on a planet in another galaxy. It doesn’t matter to her that that’s scientifically impossible, because you know, wizards.”
At press time, Markowski prepared a Powerpoint presentation to outline why she also refuses to read Lord of the Rings because the word “Hobbit” wasn’t technically a word when the book was first published.


thebeaverton--2020-06-10--Droves of desperate people breaking into closed libraries to get hit of book smell

VANCOUVER – Months after libraries closed to the public in order to help stop the spread of COVID-19 , librarians are sounding the alarm about increasing waves of break-ins caused by people frantic to be engulfed in the calming scent of books again .
“ They ’ re picking door locks , jimmying windows , and most unpleasantly , coming up through the sewers , which frankly defeats the point since the smells they bring with them overpower the books , ” says librarian Kevin Perrone .
“ They ’ re a very well-read group , so no matter how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , they apply their vast knowledge of both fiction and non-fiction to find a way in .
I myself was just the victim of an elaborate con job pulled off by a twelve-person team that resulted in them stealing my keys .
And my heart.
” Once inside , most intruders caught by the security cameras are seen slowly wandering down the aisles in a daze , gently touching the books with reverence , and getting into arguments with other intruders about whose turn it is to look up swear words in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when they hear a librarian or security guard coming in , ” Perrone says , “ but some of them are so intoxicated by the presence of this much literature after months of book famine that we find them passed out naked in the poetry section , wearing nothing but a smile and one or two well-placed copies of the works of Emily Dickinson.
” Librarians are urging people to try to sate their overwhelming need for books with other means until the libraries reopen , suggesting biblio-fiends try to watch more television @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if all else fails , read one of the dozens of books on their own shelves they still haven ’ t gotten around to yet .

VANCOUVER – Months after libraries closed to the public in order to help stop the spread of COVID-19, librarians are sounding the alarm about increasing waves of break-ins caused by people frantic to be engulfed in the calming scent of books again.
“They’re picking door locks, jimmying windows, and most unpleasantly, coming up through the sewers, which frankly defeats the point since the smells they bring with them overpower the books,” says librarian Kevin Perrone.
“They’re a very well-read group, so no matter how hard we try to keep them out, they apply their vast knowledge of both fiction and non-fiction to find a way in. I myself was just the victim of an elaborate con job pulled off by a twelve-person team that resulted in them stealing my keys. And my heart.”
Once inside, most intruders caught by the security cameras are seen slowly wandering down the aisles in a daze, gently touching the books with reverence, and getting into arguments with other intruders about whose turn it is to look up swear words in the reference books.
“They usually run when they hear a librarian or security guard coming in,” Perrone says, “but some of them are so intoxicated by the presence of this much literature after months of book famine that we find them passed out naked in the poetry section, wearing nothing but a smile and one or two well-placed copies of the works of Emily Dickinson.”
Librarians are urging people to try to sate their overwhelming need for books with other means until the libraries reopen, suggesting biblio-fiends try to watch more television, play more video games, and if all else fails, read one of the dozens of books on their own shelves they still haven’t gotten around to yet.


thebeaverton--2020-06-10--Woman who sold pussy hats in Etsy shop couldn’t make BLM protest

JOSHUA TREE , CA – Brielle Waters , a self-proclaimed feminist who sold pussy hats in her Etsy shop , has reportedly been absent from the Black Lives Matters protests .
“ Listen , I wanted to be there – I really did , ” said Brielle Waters , She-EO of The Women ’ s Collective , an online Etsy store selling crochet cat hats , safety pins , and # NastyWoman shirts .
“ Before this becomes a “ race thing ” , though , let me just say that I don ’ t see colour.
” Waters continued @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she posted the black square to Instagram and that , during the Climate Strike , she sold “ save the planet ” t-shirts made in a factory in Thailand that empowers women by employing them for 85 cents a day .
“ I donated 8 % of the profits , too , so you can ’ t say I leveraged a social movement for self-promotion.
” Waters also added that , as an Intersectional feminist , she made sure to order shirts from Bagladesh .
Despite being challenged for the hypocrisy of showing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , largely attended by white Americans , versus the many Black Lives Matter marches , Brielle has decided to block and mute all her critics , especially black womxn , in the name of self-care and establishing emotional boundaries .
“ With The Women ’ s March , I thought the brand was super clear – wear a pussy hat , have a cute photo op , and get brunch after .
There was no episode of Fleabag that prepared me for BLM .
So , you can ’ t blame me for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sobbed Waters , who in the past turned to google when she didn ’ t know something .
At press time , Brielle has committed to being anti-racist by re-watching Girls , pre-ordering the Lana Del Rey Album , and asking her black friend for resources on how to be a better ally .

JOSHUA TREE, CA – Brielle Waters, a self-proclaimed feminist who sold pussy hats in her Etsy shop, has reportedly been absent from the Black Lives Matters protests.
“Listen, I wanted to be there – I really did, ” said Brielle Waters, She-EO of The Women’s Collective, an online Etsy store selling crochet cat hats, safety pins, and #NastyWoman shirts. “Before this becomes a “race thing”, though, let me just say that I don’t see colour.”
Waters continued to defend her activism by citing how she posted the black square to Instagram and that, during the Climate Strike, she sold “save the planet” t-shirts made in a factory in Thailand that empowers women by employing them for 85 cents a day. “I donated 8% of the profits, too, so you can’t say I leveraged a social movement for self-promotion.”
Waters also added that, as an Intersectional feminist, she made sure to order shirts from Bagladesh.
Despite being challenged for the hypocrisy of showing up for the Women’s March, largely attended by white Americans, versus the many Black Lives Matter marches, Brielle has decided to block and mute all her critics, especially black womxn, in the name of self-care and establishing emotional boundaries.
“With The Women’s March, I thought the brand was super clear – wear a pussy hat, have a cute photo op, and get brunch after. There was no episode of Fleabag that prepared me for BLM. So, you can’t blame me for not knowing how to participate!” sobbed Waters, who in the past turned to google when she didn’t know something.
At press time, Brielle has committed to being anti-racist by re-watching Girls, pre-ordering the Lana Del Rey Album, and asking her black friend for resources on how to be a better ally.


thebeaverton--2020-06-10--Protest movement that’s gotten murderous cops charged, raised support for defunding police devastate

Protest movement that’s gotten murderous cops charged, raised support for defunding police devastated to lose approval of Dave and Cindy from Kelowna

KELOWNA — While the Black Lives Matter movement has succeeded in getting charges laid against the four police officers who murdered George Floyd , increased scrutiny into the deaths of Regis Korchinski-Paquet and Breonna Taylor , and inspired widespread support for defunding and abolishing the police , representatives of the organization are devastated to lose the approval of married couple Dave and Cindy Hay from Kelowna who think “ all this rioting is setting the Black community back ” .
“ I know we inspired Minneapolis City Council to commit to dismantling its police force in favour of a community-first @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Dave and Cindy think we protested the wrong way , was any of this worth it ?
” asked activist Alicia Moye .
“ Maybe we shouldn ’ t have prioritized dismantling prejudiced and violent systems of law enforcement over a middle-aged couple who get a bit racist when people graffiti statues.
” The Black Lives Matter Foundation has now committed to finding new forms of protest that will allow them to completely overturn and replace centuries old political systems built on oppression without , in the words of Dave , “ rocking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ If these protesters want progress , they ’ re not going to succeed by damaging national institutions , ” said Dave of the Target that was burned down two weeks ago , “ They ’ re going to succeed by impressing me , a centrist white man with no political authority ” .
“ Why can ’ t they be peaceful like Martin Luther King Jr. ?
” added Cindy , comparing recent protests in which unprovoked riot police beat , tear gassed and arrested protesters to Civil Rights era protests in which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and arrested protesters .
“ He wouldn ’ t have stood for any of this civil disobedience ” .
Activist Darnell Mallory assures critics that he and others will pivot to activism that suburban white couples will find easier to ignore : “ We ’ re mostly looking at online campaigns like sharing a black square , # BlackLivesAndAlsoAllLivesMatter , and even taking a day off from posting to really reflect ” .
Unfortunately , even these efforts may prove difficult , as edgy , amateur comedians around the world have risen up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so political these days .

KELOWNA — While the Black Lives Matter movement has succeeded in getting charges laid against the four police officers who murdered George Floyd, increased scrutiny into the deaths of Regis Korchinski-Paquet and Breonna Taylor, and inspired widespread support for defunding and abolishing the police, representatives of the organization are devastated to lose the approval of married couple Dave and Cindy Hay from Kelowna who think “all this rioting is setting the Black community back”.
“I know we inspired Minneapolis City Council to commit to dismantling its police force in favour of a community-first model of public safety, but if Dave and Cindy think we protested the wrong way, was any of this worth it?” asked activist Alicia Moye. “Maybe we shouldn’t have prioritized dismantling prejudiced and violent systems of law enforcement over a middle-aged couple who get a bit racist when people graffiti statues.”
The Black Lives Matter Foundation has now committed to finding new forms of protest that will allow them to completely overturn and replace centuries old political systems built on oppression without, in the words of Dave, “rocking the boat too much”.
“If these protesters want progress, they’re not going to succeed by damaging national institutions,” said Dave of the Target that was burned down two weeks ago, “They’re going to succeed by impressing me, a centrist white man with no political authority”.
“Why can’t they be peaceful like Martin Luther King Jr.?” added Cindy, comparing recent protests in which unprovoked riot police beat, tear gassed and arrested protesters to Civil Rights era protests in which unprovoked riot police beat, tear gassed and arrested protesters. “He wouldn’t have stood for any of this civil disobedience”.
Activist Darnell Mallory assures critics that he and others will pivot to activism that suburban white couples will find easier to ignore: “We’re mostly looking at online campaigns like sharing a black square, #BlackLivesAndAlsoAllLivesMatter, and even taking a day off from posting to really reflect”.
Unfortunately, even these efforts may prove difficult, as edgy, amateur comedians around the world have risen up to ask why everything has to be so political these days.


thebeaverton--2020-06-11--Alberta government encourages tire burning to make up for lost carbon emissions during pandemic

EDMONTON – The provincial government of Alberta is calling on residents to burn tires and other materials in an effort to make up for the lack of carbon emissions and environmental devastation during the pandemic .
Premier Jason Kenney says that Alberta ’ s carbon emission economy lost at least 70 megatonnes during the COVID-19 pandemic , but is confident that the province can make up for its losses in stage 2 if civic-minded citizens pitch in .
“ For three months , endangered species have been getting ahead against hard-working Albertans , but that stops now , ” said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ So burn your Bridgestones and Continentals , your Goodyears and Michelins .
For the more environmentally conscious , you can pitch in by burning your bike tires.
” Kenney cautioned that the province was not out of the metaphorical woods yet as many actual woods were not yet on fire .
“ We can ’ t give up now and let the environment win , ” added Kenney .
“ It could just take a few careless individuals buying an electric car or taking public transportation that could send us back to phase @ @ @ @ @ @ @ officials were quarantining approximately 100 people for coming into close contact with a known environmentalist .

EDMONTON – The provincial government of Alberta is calling on residents to burn tires and other materials in an effort to make up for the lack of carbon emissions and environmental devastation during the pandemic.
Premier Jason Kenney says that Alberta’s carbon emission economy lost at least 70 megatonnes during the COVID-19 pandemic, but is confident that the province can make up for its losses in stage 2 if civic-minded citizens pitch in.
“For three months, endangered species have been getting ahead against hard-working Albertans, but that stops now,” said Kenney at a press conference. “So burn your Bridgestones and Continentals, your Goodyears and Michelins. For the more environmentally conscious, you can pitch in by burning your bike tires.”
Kenney cautioned that the province was not out of the metaphorical woods yet as many actual woods were not yet on fire.
“We can’t give up now and let the environment win,” added Kenney. “It could just take a few careless individuals buying an electric car or taking public transportation that could send us back to phase 1.”
At press time, provincial officials were quarantining approximately 100 people for coming into close contact with a known environmentalist.


thebeaverton--2020-06-11--Trudeau dangles suspected fraudster over balcony, demanding to know where his CERB money is

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is currently dangling local waiter Oliver Henderson over an apartment balcony , demanding repayment of all CERB funds paid to him .
“ You knew you were ineligible when you applied !
” screamed Trudeau as Henderson frantically tried to grab hold of the railings .
“ Where ’ s my maximum $ 1,000.00 per month huh ?
Where ’ s my maximum $ 1,000.00 per month !
” The Liberal government recently introduced legislation making clear that people who fraudulently applied for the benefit would be prosecuted , including being personally ‘ Suge @ @ @ @ @ @ @ originally told Canadians to just apply for the CERB whether they thought they were eligible or not .
“ I swear , I thought I qualified .
I thought I qualified !
!
!
” screamed Henderson as Trudeau pretended he was starting to slip .
The Liberal crackdown is not limited to balcony dangling .
Other people who applied for CERB improperly will be submerged in quicksand , lowered into ponds full of crocodiles , and forced to have a 15 minute conversation with Andrew Scheer .
NDP leader Jagmeet Singh was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ When this government created the CERB , no one warned Canadians that applying could lead to them being forced to play Russian Roulette where the winner gets a 4 week extension and the loser gets a bullet to the brain.
” Trudeau and his henchmen Gerald Butts and Seamus O ’ Reagan eventually pulled Henderson up .
But not before Henderson promised to pay back the CERB , plus the government ’ s 19 % vig .

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is currently dangling local waiter Oliver Henderson over an apartment balcony, demanding repayment of all CERB funds paid to him.
“You knew you were ineligible when you applied!” screamed Trudeau as Henderson frantically tried to grab hold of the railings. “Where’s my maximum $1,000.00 per month huh? Where’s my maximum $1,000.00 per month!”
The Liberal government recently introduced legislation making clear that people who fraudulently applied for the benefit would be prosecuted, including being personally ‘Suge Knighted’ by the Prime Minister who originally told Canadians to just apply for the CERB whether they thought they were eligible or not.
“I swear, I thought I qualified. I thought I qualified!!!” screamed Henderson as Trudeau pretended he was starting to slip.
The Liberal crackdown is not limited to balcony dangling. Other people who applied for CERB improperly will be submerged in quicksand, lowered into ponds full of crocodiles, and forced to have a 15 minute conversation with Andrew Scheer.
NDP leader Jagmeet Singh was quick to condemn the Liberals’ actions.
“When this government created the CERB, no one warned Canadians that applying could lead to them being forced to play Russian Roulette where the winner gets a 4 week extension and the loser gets a bullet to the brain.”
Trudeau and his henchmen Gerald Butts and Seamus O’Reagan eventually pulled Henderson up. But not before Henderson promised to pay back the CERB, plus the government’s 19% vig.


thebeaverton--2020-06-11--OP-ED: “We must throw money at the police until they are too buried in money to continue with their

OP-ED: “We must throw money at the police until they are too buried in money to continue with their racist malarkey” by Joe Biden

From the moment I launched my campaign , I have said that we are in the battle for the soul of this nation .
A battle that could last a generation , requiring sacrifices and introspection .
But I have a different strategy in mind – I propose we unconditionally surrender .
The Republicans ’ ll never see that coming .
“ Why are they surrendering ?
” they ’ ll ask .
But we won ’ t tell ‘ em .
And that ’ s how we ’ ll win .
Once that plan sees me safely into the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the police with the exact same tactic .
They won ’ t see it coming either , they ’ ll expect a different tactic , they ’ ll expect defunding and accountability , and I ’ ll give ‘ em the ol ’ switcheroo by giving them everything they want with less oversight than ever !
I ’ ll bury them in tanks and tear gas , drown them in money for overtime and brutality lawsuits .
Once I ’ m president , I ’ ll insist police departments lower their training standards @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a couple rides down an escalator .
I ’ ll buy them so many helicopters they ’ ll beg me to stop .
“ We don ’ t need this many helicopters , we ’ ve got nowhere to put them ” they ’ ll say , and you know what I ’ ll say ?
“ Here , have another chopper.
” Not chopper like motorcycle , chopper like helicopter .
But I ’ ll also throw in a motorcycle , so they won ’ t even know what chopper I was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their toes .
I ’ ve long been a firm believer in the power of community policing – getting cops out of their cruisers and building relationships with the people and the communities they are there to serve and protect , so Imma give the cops $ 300 million to flood overpoliced neighborhoods with even more police .
They ’ ll be squeezed in these streets so tight none of them will be able to oppress the local community without tripping all over each other , like The Three Stooges , everyone likes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
I am intimately familiar with how police in the country think , as someone who used to let police lobbyists write my bills for me .
Nothing surprises them more than being given what they ask for without argument , so imagine how surprised they ’ ll be when I give ‘ em a hundred times what they ask for .
I don ’ t support defunding the police , I support love bombing the police , by supplying them with actual bombs .
Do they even want bombs ?
‘ Cause @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whether they want ‘ em or not .
Once the police are flush with all the cash and vehicles the federal government can pile onto them , they ’ ll stop civil asset forfeiture because there ’ ll be nowhere to put the seized assets .
They ’ ll also be nicer , because if I know anything about the world , it ’ s that you can always trust the wealthy .
They already have all the money , so they have no reason not to shoot straight , that ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as campaign advisors .
I ’ m talking about metaphorical shooting , but also literal shooting , once all the cops are sitting pretty like dragons on the horde of equipment and money I ’ ll shower them with , I ’ ll slyly ask ‘ em to start aiming for the legs .
“ Sure , Joe , ” they ’ ll say , “ you gave us so much , it ’ s the least we could do.
” I ’ m ready to do this work , starting on Day @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an American president .

From the moment I launched my campaign, I have said that we are in the battle for the soul of this nation. A battle that could last a generation, requiring sacrifices and introspection. But I have a different strategy in mind – I propose we unconditionally surrender. The Republicans’ll never see that coming. “Why are they surrendering?” they’ll ask. But we won’t tell ‘em. And that’s how we’ll win.
Once that plan sees me safely into the White House, I intend to tackle the police with the exact same tactic. They won’t see it coming either, they’ll expect a different tactic, they’ll expect defunding and accountability, and I’ll give ‘em the ol’ switcheroo by giving them everything they want with less oversight than ever!
I’ll bury them in tanks and tear gas, drown them in money for overtime and brutality lawsuits.
Once I’m president, I’ll insist police departments lower their training standards from 8 hours of de-escalation training to a couple rides down an escalator. I’ll buy them so many helicopters they’ll beg me to stop. “We don’t need this many helicopters, we’ve got nowhere to put them” they’ll say, and you know what I’ll say? “Here, have another chopper.” Not chopper like motorcycle, chopper like helicopter. But I’ll also throw in a motorcycle, so they won’t even know what chopper I was referring to. Keep ‘em on their toes.
I’ve long been a firm believer in the power of community policing – getting cops out of their cruisers and building relationships with the people and the communities they are there to serve and protect, so Imma give the cops $300 million to flood overpoliced neighborhoods with even more police. They’ll be squeezed in these streets so tight none of them will be able to oppress the local community without tripping all over each other, like The Three Stooges, everyone likes The Three Stooges, I sure do.
I am intimately familiar with how police in the country think, as someone who used to let police lobbyists write my bills for me. Nothing surprises them more than being given what they ask for without argument, so imagine how surprised they’ll be when I give ‘em a hundred times what they ask for. I don’t support defunding the police, I support love bombing the police, by supplying them with actual bombs. Do they even want bombs? ‘Cause they’ll get ‘em, whether they want ‘em or not.
Once the police are flush with all the cash and vehicles the federal government can pile onto them, they’ll stop civil asset forfeiture because there’ll be nowhere to put the seized assets. They’ll also be nicer, because if I know anything about the world, it’s that you can always trust the wealthy. They already have all the money, so they have no reason not to shoot straight, that’s why I rely so heavily on them as campaign advisors. I’m talking about metaphorical shooting, but also literal shooting, once all the cops are sitting pretty like dragons on the horde of equipment and money I’ll shower them with, I’ll slyly ask ‘em to start aiming for the legs.
“Sure, Joe,” they’ll say, “you gave us so much, it’s the least we could do.”
I’m ready to do this work, starting on Day One. Nothing less is acceptable from an American president.


thebeaverton--2020-06-12--Band-Aid company offers band-aid solution

SKILLMAN , NJ – Band-Aid brand adhesive bandages announced recently that their new range of bandages in various shades of Brown and Black skin tones are expected to offer not much help while simply covering up deeper problems .
“ We are very excited to have finally figured this out in the year 2020 , ” stated Kyle Shay , a representative for parent company Johnson & Johnson .
“ We hadn ’ t really thought much about the fact that our band-aids were only able to match the skin tones of white people , in spite of people regularly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but we ’ re happy to have finally found a way to do the absolute minimum to address racial inequality.
” This isn ’ t the first time the Band-Aid brand has offered up this same extremely basic solution .
In 2005 the company offered a selection of bandages to match different skin tones , before quickly discontinuing the line .
Shay explained that “ for some reason , whenever we offer a band-aid solution , it only sticks for a short while before peeling off and leaving things grosser than they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a press release stating that the company is hopeful that this move will allow them to finally show their support for the Black community , specifically by taking their money .
In response to criticism about how long it took to make this tiny , cosmetic change , the press release notes that “ we have always honored and respected Black and Brown individuals who did not wish to wear band-aids with white skin colouring by offering dignified alternatives , such as our Barbie or Rugrats patterns.
” In response to the announcement @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Geldof has asked if anybody is still interested in him getting a bunch of rock stars together to see if a concert might fix things .

SKILLMAN, NJ – Band-Aid brand adhesive bandages announced recently that their new range of bandages in various shades of Brown and Black skin tones are expected to offer not much help while simply covering up deeper problems.
“We are very excited to have finally figured this out in the year 2020,” stated Kyle Shay, a representative for parent company Johnson & Johnson. “We hadn’t really thought much about the fact that our band-aids were only able to match the skin tones of white people, in spite of people regularly pointing it out to us for decades, but we’re happy to have finally found a way to do the absolute minimum to address racial inequality.”
This isn’t the first time the Band-Aid brand has offered up this same extremely basic solution. In 2005 the company offered a selection of bandages to match different skin tones, before quickly discontinuing the line. Shay explained that “for some reason, whenever we offer a band-aid solution, it only sticks for a short while before peeling off and leaving things grosser than they were before.”
Johnson & Johnson issued a press release stating that the company is hopeful that this move will allow them to finally show their support for the Black community, specifically by taking their money. In response to criticism about how long it took to make this tiny, cosmetic change, the press release notes that “we have always honored and respected Black and Brown individuals who did not wish to wear band-aids with white skin colouring by offering dignified alternatives, such as our Barbie or Rugrats patterns.”
In response to the announcement from the Band-Aid company, musician Bob Geldof has asked if anybody is still interested in him getting a bunch of rock stars together to see if a concert might fix things.


thebeaverton--2020-06-12--Health Canada orders all people to wear full-body costumes from the Masked Singer when out in public

OTTAWA – In the midst of many provinces reopening parts of their cities during the COVID-19 pandemic , federal health officials have mandated that anyone attending a public business must wear an elaborate , full-body outfit , a la hit show The Masked Singer .
“ Yes , masks are effective .
And gloves to a certain extent .
But truly the best thing people can do is to don the intricately lavish mixture of kabuki theatre and sports mascotry popularized by The Masked Singer to protect them from the virus , ” said Chief Public Health Officer Theresa Tam @ @ @ @ @ @ @ show was imported from South Korea , this is the exact same method they used to flatten their COVID-19 curve , ” Tam explained .
Experts are split as to whether different characters offer more or less protection than others .
At this time , biologists recommend Poodle , Thingamajig , or Miss Monster when frequenting food establishments for take-out , while Kitty or Kangaroo have been found to provide the most coverage in hardware stores .
At all costs , experts stress , do not wear Night Angel to a marina .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ of toxic polyurethane , 40 degree+ temperatures inside the costumes , and nightmare-inducing imagery provides complete repulsion of the virus and of any people who might dare to get close to you , ” Tam insisted .
“ Plus , ” Tam added , “ everyone will assume you ’ re a huge celebrity like Wayne Brady or Paul Gross .
And if you keep the costume on , they ’ ll never be disappointed to find out that you ’ re just Jeff from Milton.
” Despite proving popular with the 18-45 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ initiative has run into several snags .
While elaborate costumes such as Llama and Kangaroo offer maximum protection , they have made contact tracing far more difficult .
Reports report that a large outbreak in Lethbridge took weeks to track back , before revealing that the source inside a Turtle costume was in fact Bruno Mars .
Still , the $ 178,000 price tag associated with the costumes is suspected to be a deterrent to many .
In light of this , provincial governments have distributed instructional videos on how to create your @ @ @ @ @ @ @ choice .
Popular homemade costumes viewed on the streets of Calgary recently include Oil Derrick , Rodeo Bull , and Jason Kenney But With A Butt For A Head .
“ Whatever you do , do NOT attempt to sing in the costume !
” Tam declared cryptically , “ I can not stress this enough .
We still don ’ t understand why but it apparently makes the virus worse.
” “ Also , no spoilers , ” Tam insisted .
“ Don ’ t you dare tell me who will be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Masked Singer judge Jenny McCarthy denied the existence of the virus and insisted that the still undeveloped vaccine will probably cause Mega-Autism .

OTTAWA – In the midst of many provinces reopening parts of their cities during the COVID-19 pandemic, federal health officials have mandated that anyone attending a public business must wear an elaborate, full-body outfit, a la hit show The Masked Singer.
“Yes, masks are effective. And gloves to a certain extent. But truly the best thing people can do is to don the intricately lavish mixture of kabuki theatre and sports mascotry popularized by The Masked Singer to protect them from the virus,” said Chief Public Health Officer Theresa Tam.
“Just as the Masked Singer show was imported from South Korea, this is the exact same method they used to flatten their COVID-19 curve,” Tam explained.
Experts are split as to whether different characters offer more or less protection than others. At this time, biologists recommend Poodle, Thingamajig, or Miss Monster when frequenting food establishments for take-out, while Kitty or Kangaroo have been found to provide the most coverage in hardware stores. At all costs, experts stress, do not wear Night Angel to a marina.
“We have found that the mixture of toxic polyurethane, 40 degree+ temperatures inside the costumes, and nightmare-inducing imagery provides complete repulsion of the virus and of any people who might dare to get close to you,” Tam insisted.
“Plus,” Tam added, “everyone will assume you’re a huge celebrity like Wayne Brady or Paul Gross. And if you keep the costume on, they’ll never be disappointed to find out that you’re just Jeff from Milton.”
Despite proving popular with the 18-45 co-viewing demo, the Masked Singer health initiative has run into several snags. While elaborate costumes such as Llama and Kangaroo offer maximum protection, they have made contact tracing far more difficult. Reports report that a large outbreak in Lethbridge took weeks to track back, before revealing that the source inside a Turtle costume was in fact Bruno Mars.
Still, the $178,000 price tag associated with the costumes is suspected to be a deterrent to many. In light of this, provincial governments have distributed instructional videos on how to create your own costumes in the character of your choice. Popular homemade costumes viewed on the streets of Calgary recently include Oil Derrick, Rodeo Bull, and Jason Kenney But With A Butt For A Head.
“Whatever you do, do NOT attempt to sing in the costume!” Tam declared cryptically, “I cannot stress this enough. We still don’t understand why but it apparently makes the virus worse.”
“Also, no spoilers,” Tam insisted. “Don’t you dare tell me who will be Egg.”
When asked for comment, Masked Singer judge Jenny McCarthy denied the existence of the virus and insisted that the still undeveloped vaccine will probably cause Mega-Autism.


thebeaverton--2020-06-12--Ontario eases social distancing restrictions from “moderately” to “completely” confusing

TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford announced this week that in order to calm public uncertainty about what Ontarians are supposed to be doing to keep themselves safe during the COVID-19 pandemic , the province would officially be easing restrictions today from “ confusing ” to “ we have zero clue what ’ s going on anymore.
” “ I understand that the restrictions during Ontario ’ s first stage of reopening have been complicated , ” Ford said , speaking to reporters while making a golf reservation on his phone under the podium .
“ That is why , beginning @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , which will be much more convoluted .
This stage allows for gatherings of up to ten people- unless , of course , four or more of them have been within exactly thirty-two feet of a complete stranger who might have been exposed to COVID-19 , or one of those ten has looked at a full moon in the last month.
” “ Or , ” he continued .
“ You live in Toronto or a few other cities that don ’ t matter as much .
They ’ re all still in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I ’ ve actually just been informed that this rule applies regardless of which stage you ’ re in .
God this is complicated.
” Ontario ’ s Minister of Health Christine Elliot recently attempted to explain what businesses were going to be opening without breaking out in hives .
“ As of today , if your region is in Stage 2 , public businesses such as restaurant patios , hair salons , and swimming pools are now open , ” she explained .
“ But only if you promise that you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t drive through any Stage 1 areas .
However , you still need to maintain social distancing !
Except you can hug people now !
But only certain people , or you ’ ll kill them !
Like your uncle , but not your sister .
Sisters are Stage 3 people.
” Concerned Toronto parent Marianne Rider confessed that she was still not clear on the rules regarding childcare .
“ They told me childcare was opening up across the province for kids below the age of two or over four and a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Timothy , in which case they have to wait another month , ” she said , visibly frustrated .
“ I ’ ll just homeschool my kid until college .
That honestly sounds easier than figuring this shit out.
” At press time , Ford had just declared that in order to move into Stage 3 , Ontarians would have to either wear masks everywhere but odd-numbered addresses for exactly three weeks , or promise never to say the words “ Trinity Bellwoods ” again .

TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford announced this week that in order to calm public uncertainty about what Ontarians are supposed to be doing to keep themselves safe during the COVID-19 pandemic, the province would officially be easing restrictions today from “confusing” to “we have zero clue what’s going on anymore.”
“I understand that the restrictions during Ontario’s first stage of reopening have been complicated,” Ford said, speaking to reporters while making a golf reservation on his phone under the podium. “That is why, beginning Friday, we are entering Stage 2, which will be much more convoluted. This stage allows for gatherings of up to ten people- unless, of course, four or more of them have been within exactly thirty-two feet of a complete stranger who might have been exposed to COVID-19, or one of those ten has looked at a full moon in the last month.”
“Or,” he continued. “You live in Toronto or a few other cities that don’t matter as much. They’re all still in Stage 1. I think. Wait, I’ve actually just been informed that this rule applies regardless of which stage you’re in. God this is complicated.”
Ontario’s Minister of Health Christine Elliot recently attempted to explain what businesses were going to be opening without breaking out in hives.
“As of today, if your region is in Stage 2, public businesses such as restaurant patios, hair salons, and swimming pools are now open,” she explained. “But only if you promise that you’ll be good and won’t drive through any Stage 1 areas. However, you still need to maintain social distancing! Except you can hug people now! But only certain people, or you’ll kill them! Like your uncle, but not your sister. Sisters are Stage 3 people.”
Concerned Toronto parent Marianne Rider confessed that she was still not clear on the rules regarding childcare.
“They told me childcare was opening up across the province for kids below the age of two or over four and a half, unless they’re named Timothy, in which case they have to wait another month,” she said, visibly frustrated. “I’ll just homeschool my kid until college. That honestly sounds easier than figuring this shit out.”
At press time, Ford had just declared that in order to move into Stage 3, Ontarians would have to either wear masks everywhere but odd-numbered addresses for exactly three weeks, or promise never to say the words “Trinity Bellwoods” again.


thebeaverton--2020-06-13--Disgusting: This woman says she misses brunch

Okay , this is going to be a tough read , so make sure you ’ re sitting down .
Reports have confirmed that Toronto woman Katie Flenderson , who some are calling the absolute worst human being on the face of the earth , just said she misses brunch .
“ Don ’ t get me wrong–given that we continue to be in a pandemic , I know that missing going brunch is a really silly thing to be thinking about , ” Flenderson told reporters , many of whom had to be physically restrained from retching .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t stop thinking about a time where we could all just sit together on a patio and get some mimosas , ” she added , like this is some kind of sick fucking joke .
The 28-year-old web designer , who spends her spare time making masks for her community and volunteering at a homeless shelter , stated that she “ wants to hug her friends ” and “ really misses those small joys ” .
Spoiler alert , lady , we ALL DO .
Flenderson , who has been described by those @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” , “ a stain on her family ’ s name ” , and “ the greatest threat to humans ’ stability since Stalin ” .
In addition to missing brunch , Flenderson specifically reports missing “ getting a really nice plate of eggs…ooh , with a little fresh ground pepper from one of those big grinders .
I know it ’ s kind of frivolous , but that would be so nice .
So comforting.
” News of Flenderson ’ s conduct has hit her family particularly hard .
“ The day @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in my arms for the first time , I knew that I was looking down at a bottomless , inexplicable evil that could never be truly extinguished ” Flenderson ’ s mother , June , tearfully told reporters .
In a hideous display of iniquity , Flenderson later said the thing she missed the most was the cutlery rolled up in the little napkins .
Yet in addition to missing brunch , Flenderson ’ s seemingly boundless evil extends to missing “ window shopping ” , “ that feeling you get when you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time ” , and even “ really icey movie theatre coke.
” At least in times like these , we can all take comfort in knowing that no matter how bad we get , at least we ’ re not some lady who seriously wishes she could go to brunch .

Okay, this is going to be a tough read, so make sure you’re sitting down. Reports have confirmed that Toronto woman Katie Flenderson, who some are calling the absolute worst human being on the face of the earth, just said she misses brunch.
“Don’t get me wrong–given that we continue to be in a pandemic, I know that missing going brunch is a really silly thing to be thinking about,” Flenderson told reporters, many of whom had to be physically restrained from retching.
“Honestly, though, I can’t stop thinking about a time where we could all just sit together on a patio and get some mimosas,” she added, like this is some kind of sick fucking joke.
The 28-year-old web designer, who spends her spare time making masks for her community and volunteering at a homeless shelter, stated that she “wants to hug her friends” and “really misses those small joys”.
Spoiler alert, lady, we ALL DO.
Flenderson, who has been described by those close to her as “true scum”, “a stain on her family’s name”, and “the greatest threat to humans’ stability since Stalin”.
In addition to missing brunch, Flenderson specifically reports missing “getting a really nice plate of eggs…ooh, with a little fresh ground pepper from one of those big grinders. I know it’s kind of frivolous, but that would be so nice. So comforting.”
News of Flenderson’s conduct has hit her family particularly hard.
“The day Katie was born and I held her in my arms for the first time, I knew that I was looking down at a bottomless, inexplicable evil that could never be truly extinguished” Flenderson’s mother, June, tearfully told reporters.
In a hideous display of iniquity, Flenderson later said the thing she missed the most was the cutlery rolled up in the little napkins.
Yet in addition to missing brunch, Flenderson’s seemingly boundless evil extends to missing “window shopping”, “that feeling you get when you just barely catch the bus just in time”, and even “really icey movie theatre coke.”
At least in times like these, we can all take comfort in knowing that no matter how bad we get, at least we’re not some lady who seriously wishes she could go to brunch.