thebeaverton--2020-09-03--Colony of mask pimples enter industrial revolution

KINGSTON- Anthropologists were left stunned last week as the colony of mask pimples they had been monitoring advanced past the agrarian stage and entered their own industrial revolution .
“ It ’ s really quite phenomenal how fast they ’ ve progressed , ” says leading Anthropologist/Dermatologist Dr. Kelly Han .
“ They started as hunter-gatherers , consuming skin mites and extra pieces of leftover food , but now they have started developing their own mills and industry in order to support the growing population.
” The “ Maskne ” phenomenon has affected thousands of people worldwide as the bacteria @ @ @ @ @ @ @ environment for pimples to thrive and develop opposable thumbs .
From there they begin to form nomadic groups , popping up around the chin and cheeks , with many wars being fought over regions in the nutrient rich T-zone .
According to the carbon data , two major extinctions had occurred on the face in question .
A Retin-A prescription threw the prospering acne civilization into a dark age , causing many pimples to be wiped out and survivors to retreat to hard to reach places like the corners of the nose .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ host was featured on Dr. Pimple Popper .
Industry began to thrive out of necessity as the demand for quick trade with neighbouring clusters called for first roads and then railroads to deliver sebum and other resources .
Certain colonies had prospering oil industries and started to frack deep into the skin in order to obtain more .
While this was beneficial to some , an uprising by pimple Luddites resulted in the destruction of machinery to protect their inflammation jobs , creating a burgeoning class struggle between the pore-letariat and the pore-geoisie @ @ @ @ @ @ @ clusters closely and have observed rising economic tension between colonies of blackheads and whiteheads , while ingrown hairs so far have decided to remain neutral .

KINGSTON- Anthropologists were left stunned last week as the colony of mask pimples they had been monitoring advanced past the agrarian stage and entered their own industrial revolution.
“It’s really quite phenomenal how fast they’ve progressed,” says leading Anthropologist/Dermatologist Dr. Kelly Han. “They started as hunter-gatherers, consuming skin mites and extra pieces of leftover food, but now they have started developing their own mills and industry in order to support the growing population.”
The “Maskne” phenomenon has affected thousands of people worldwide as the bacteria and humidity underneath masks provide the ideal environment for pimples to thrive and develop opposable thumbs. From there they begin to form nomadic groups, popping up around the chin and cheeks, with many wars being fought over regions in the nutrient rich T-zone.
According to the carbon data, two major extinctions had occurred on the face in question. A Retin-A prescription threw the prospering acne civilization into a dark age, causing many pimples to be wiped out and survivors to retreat to hard to reach places like the corners of the nose. The other mass extinction was when the host was featured on Dr. Pimple Popper.
Industry began to thrive out of necessity as the demand for quick trade with neighbouring clusters called for first roads and then railroads to deliver sebum and other resources. Certain colonies had prospering oil industries and started to frack deep into the skin in order to obtain more. While this was beneficial to some, an uprising by pimple Luddites resulted in the destruction of machinery to protect their inflammation jobs, creating a burgeoning class struggle between the pore-letariat and the pore-geoisie.
Anthropologists are continuing to monitor the clusters closely and have observed rising economic tension between colonies of blackheads and whiteheads, while ingrown hairs so far have decided to remain neutral.


thebeaverton--2020-09-03--Parties consider fall election after determining Canadians haven’t suffered enough in 2020

OTTAWA – the nation ’ s political parties are reportedly debating pushing for a fall election after determining 2020 hasn ’ t been quite painful enough for Canadians .
“ Sure there ’ s been a pandemic , economic crash , police brutality , and general misery , but other than that 2020 has been pretty good !
” Said new Tory Leader Erin O ’ Toole .
“ So we think it ’ s a good opportunity to force Canadians to spend time and energy watching politicians shout and dig up dirt on each other.
” “ Nothing turns @ @ @ @ @ @ @ debates in English and French ” he added .
The parties all have their reasons to want a fall election .
The Liberals think they have a chance at a majority , the conservatives at forming government , and the NDP a chance to remind Voters they exist .
But all are united in their desire to see Canadians endure yet another terrible ordeal in a year in which they ’ ve already suffered so much .
“ I ’ ve lost my job and my Nana died , but sure I guess @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reading the party platforms and considering how best to strategically vote to prevent a right wing government from coming in and making everything worse , ” said Markham resident Keisha Montrose , her eyes wide in desperation .
“ I know no one wants to go to the polls again , but admit it , an unnecessary election would be pretty on brand for 2020 , ” said PM Justin Trudeau .
Not all MPs agree however , as several are pointing out that further parliamentary hearings on the WE Scandal will make @ @ @ @

OTTAWA – The Liberals are set to announce a fall election after determining these past 18 months hasn’t been quite painful enough for Canadians.
“Sure there’s been a pandemic, economic crash, police brutality, and general misery, but other than that things have been pretty good!” said Trudeau. “So we think it’s a good opportunity to force Canadians to spend time and energy watching politicians shout and dig up dirt on each other.”
“Nothing turns frowns upside down like watching multiple leaders debates in English and French” he added.
The parties all have their reasons to want a fall election. The Liberals think they have a chance at a majority, the conservatives at forming government, and the NDP a chance to remind voters they exist. But all are united in their desire to see Canadians endure yet another terrible ordeal in a year in which they’ve already suffered so much.
“I’ve lost my job and my Nana died, but sure I guess I can spend my mental energy on reading the party platforms and considering how best to strategically vote to prevent a right wing government from coming in and making everything worse,” said Markham resident Keisha Montrose, her eyes wide in desperation.
“I know no one wants to go to the polls again, but admit it, an unnecessary election would be pretty on brand for life these days,” said PM Justin Trudeau.
Not all MPs agree however, as several are pointing out that further parliamentary hearings on the WE Scandal will make Canadians suffer plenty.


thebeaverton--2020-09-03--Canada’s top BDSM doctor says wear a mask, leash, tight leather to prevent spread of COVID-19

OTTAWA – Canada ’ s Chief BDSM Doctor is recommending Canadians wear masks , leashes , tight leather , and @ @ @ @ @ spread of COVID-19 .
Dr. Octovia Slayer says that everyone should be practicing safe sadomasochism @ @ @ @ @ a number of simple precautions can be added to their dungeons .
“ Any mask @ @ @ @ @ buttoned shut , ” said Dr. Slayer while gently caressing a cat o ’ nine @ @ @ @ @ .
“ As an extra precaution quarantine your gimp by locking him in a dog @ @ @ @ @ before teaching him a lesson.
” All handcuffs , ropes , and nipple clamps should @ @ @ @ @ every use .
Alternatives to ball gags should also be considered .
Slayer encouraged all @ @ @ @ @ mask precautions to avoid being a bad , bad boy .

OTTAWA – Canada’s Chief BDSM Doctor is recommending Canadians wear masks, leashes, tight leather, and other items to prevent the spread of COVID-19.
Dr. Octovia Slayer says that everyone should be practicing safe sadomasochism to prevent disease transmissions while a number of simple precautions can be added to their dungeons.
“Any mask must have be zippered or buttoned shut,” said Dr. Slayer while gently caressing a cat o’ nine tails at a press conference. “As an extra precaution quarantine your gimp by locking him in a dog cage for a few hours before teaching him a lesson.”
All handcuffs, ropes, and nipple clamps should be sanitized before and after every use.
Alternatives to ball gags should also be considered.
Slayer encouraged all Canadians to comply with face mask precautions to avoid being a bad, bad boy.


thebeaverton--2020-09-03--Impatient sous chef pre shakes water for it to boil faster

RICHMOND HILL , ON – Local sous chef , Darryl Donwyn , recently shook a pot of water to make it boil faster at restaurant Le Lentement .
“ He still has a lot to learn , ” said head chef Saffron Melrose of Donwyn .
“ I ’ m all about the slow and steady wins the race , and Donwyn is always trying to shake his way to the finish line.
” Witnesses report that , during one recent busy afternoon rush , an anxious Donwyn stood next to a quiet pot of water .
He reportedly tried @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : throwing lit matches in the water in the hopes that it would raise the temperature ; getting on a ladder to bring the pot closer to the sun .
Finally , in a moment of desperation , Donwyn grabbed the pot and shook it with all his might .
A group of staff members was crowded around the pot at this point in anticipation of what this new technique will yield .
“ I learned it from my 4 year old kid , ” proclaimed Donwyn .
“ Sometimes if things don @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fuck shit up a little.
” As Donwyn furiously shook the pot a great deal of the water reportedly ended up on himself , leaving only about half the water still in the pot .
Staff members watched as the eager Donwyn was scalded by the flying , thought not yet quite-boiling , water .
Donwyn was promptly rushed to the emergency room for his third degree burns .
Despite the lack of success of the experiment Donwyn has started spreading his message of pre-shaking water for it to boil across the nation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pot never boils , I say that person never tried shaking it .
”

RICHMOND HILL, ON – Local sous chef, Darryl Donwyn, recently shook a pot of water to make it boil faster at restaurant Le Lentement.
“He still has a lot to learn,” said head chef Saffron Melrose of Donwyn. “I’m all about the slow and steady wins the race, and Donwyn is always trying to shake his way to the finish line.”
Witnesses report that, during one recent busy afternoon rush, an anxious Donwyn stood next to a quiet pot of water. He reportedly tried everything to make the water boil faster: throwing lit matches in the water in the hopes that it would raise the temperature; getting on a ladder to bring the pot closer to the sun. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Donwyn grabbed the pot and shook it with all his might.
A group of staff members was crowded around the pot at this point in anticipation of what this new technique will yield. “I learned it from my 4 year old kid,” proclaimed Donwyn. “Sometimes if things don’t work you gotta just fuck shit up a little.” As Donwyn furiously shook the pot a great deal of the water reportedly ended up on himself, leaving only about half the water still in the pot. Staff members watched as the eager Donwyn was scalded by the flying, thought not yet quite-boiling, water.
Donwyn was promptly rushed to the emergency room for his third degree burns.
Despite the lack of success of the experiment Donwyn has started spreading his message of pre-shaking water for it to boil across the nation.
“People say that a watched pot never boils, I say that person never tried shaking it.”


thebeaverton--2020-09-04--Despondent CNE fans lower sticks of deep-fried butter to half-mast

TORONTO – Yesterday , thousands of distraught fans of the Canadian National Exhibition took a moment out of their day to lower their sticks of deep-fried butter out of respect for the cancelled fair .
“ I ’ ve been coming to The Ex with my family for as long as I ’ ve been getting a free ticket in my report card , ” mourned a visibly shaken Moira Cobbs .
“ This pandemic has taken away so much from us .
I was able to survive not seeing my elderly mother for months , but no more deep-fried @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s too far.
” Thousands of enthusiasts of Canada ’ s largest fair have attempted to recreate the joys of the CNE at home with little success .
Many have taken to eating miniature donuts next to idling trucks , but report that without being packed into a midway with hundreds of strangers , it ’ s just not the same .
“ This would have been the first year my toddlers would have gotten to experience the Air Show , but I don ’ t think the virtual one will be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” sighed mother of two Geena Simpson .
The CNE has suffered a staggering 95 percent loss in revenue , and without assistance from the government , the future of the fair is uncertain .
Fans all across Southern Ontario have reached out to their local airbrush t-shirt vendors , homemade soap sellers , and hot-tub salesmen to check and see if they ’ re doing okay financially .
“ If The Ex comes back next year , you can bet I ’ ll be throwing down hundreds in order to win my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ prove a point , ” said Premier Doug Ford in a press conference .
Without the CNE , analysts are projecting that many high school students will be denied their first kiss atop a hastily assembled ferris wheel .

TORONTO – Yesterday, thousands of distraught fans of the Canadian National Exhibition took a moment out of their day to lower their sticks of deep-fried butter out of respect for the cancelled fair.
“I’ve been coming to The Ex with my family for as long as I’ve been getting a free ticket in my report card,” mourned a visibly shaken Moira Cobbs. “This pandemic has taken away so much from us. I was able to survive not seeing my elderly mother for months, but no more deep-fried miscellanea covered in powdered sugar? That’s too far.”
Thousands of enthusiasts of Canada’s largest fair have attempted to recreate the joys of the CNE at home with little success. Many have taken to eating miniature donuts next to idling trucks, but report that without being packed into a midway with hundreds of strangers, it’s just not the same.
“This would have been the first year my toddlers would have gotten to experience the Air Show, but I don’t think the virtual one will be loud enough to adequately scare them,” sighed mother of two Geena Simpson.
The CNE has suffered a staggering 95 percent loss in revenue, and without assistance from the government, the future of the fair is uncertain. Fans all across Southern Ontario have reached out to their local airbrush t-shirt vendors, homemade soap sellers, and hot-tub salesmen to check and see if they’re doing okay financially.
“If The Ex comes back next year, you can bet I’ll be throwing down hundreds in order to win my wife a giant Minions plush just to prove a point,” said Premier Doug Ford in a press conference.
Without the CNE, analysts are projecting that many high school students will be denied their first kiss atop a hastily assembled ferris wheel.


thebeaverton--2020-09-05--Canucks fan doesn’t want to talk about it

VANCOUVER – Early reports indicate a Vancouver Canucks fan doesn ’ t want to talk about it .
Thomas Sinclair @ @ @ @ @ made a single comment to his friends or family about his team ’ s shutout @ @ @ @ @ Knights on Friday despite watching every playoff game .
The 28-year-old construction worker was unusually @ @ @ @ @ at a bar patio .
Many expected him to discuss the great exploits of his @ @ @ @ @ s friends recalled him reviewing the glory of the previous game which saw the last @ @ @ @ @ a decisive and flawless victory .
Some even quoted the devout hockey fan saying “ @ @ @ @ @ ” According to sources , a despondent Sinclair was last seen staring at a half-empty @ @ @ @ @ trauma of the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals .

VANCOUVER – Early reports indicate a Vancouver Canucks fan doesn’t want to talk about it.
Thomas Sinclair of Port Moody has not made a single comment to his friends or family about his team’s shutout loss to the Las Vegas Knights on Friday despite watching every playoff game.
The 28-year-old construction worker was unusually quiet among friends this afternoon at a bar patio. Many expected him to discuss the great exploits of his favorite squad.
Sinclair’s friends recalled him reviewing the glory of the previous game which saw the last remaining Canadian NHL team win a decisive and flawless victory. Some even quoted the devout hockey fan saying “momentum was on their side.”
According to sources, a despondent Sinclair was last seen staring at a half-empty beer trying to forget the trauma of the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals.


thebeaverton--2020-09-06--Nova Scotia to be renamed Scotiabank Province

HALIFAX – In a bid to increase brand awareness , the Bank of Nova Scotia has agreed to pay $ 5,000 and an iPad to the province of Nova Scotia to change its name to Scotiabank Province .
“ It ’ s a little known fact that the Bank of Nova Scotia originally took its name from the province of Nova Scotia , ” explained Scotiabank CEO Brian J Porter .
“ But now that Scotiabank is much bigger and more powerful than Nova Scotia , it makes sense to name the province after us .
Also , we gave @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Scotiabank has aggressively acquired the naming rights to a number of different buildings and institutions in recent years , including the homes of the Toronto Maple Leafs , Raptors and the Calgary Flames , an array of large movie theatres , the Giller Prize , and six marathons .
“ $ 5,000 may seem like a lot to pay for the name of a small province like Nova Scotia , ” said Emmanuel Cohen , professor of marketing at the DeGroote School of Business at McMaster University .
“ But you have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ map of Canada , they ’ ll be thinking of Scotiabank .
Also sometimes people go there , and a few people even live there.
” Scotiabank Province ’ s government also announced a number of similar name changes to cities and institutions , like You ’ re Richer Than You Think Island ( formerly Cape Breton ) , The Momentum Savings Account Sailboat ( formerly the Bluenose II ) and the eHOME Mortgage Calculator Ocean Bugs ( formerly lobsters ) .
Scotiabank did decline to sponsor Dartmouth , saying it would not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ At press time , the Federal Government was negotiating the renaming of Canada to Rogers Country presented by Tim Hortons and Netflix .

HALIFAX – In a bid to increase brand awareness, the Bank of Nova Scotia has agreed to pay $5,000 and an iPad to the province of Nova Scotia to change its name to Scotiabank Province.
“It’s a little known fact that the Bank of Nova Scotia originally took its name from the province of Nova Scotia,” explained Scotiabank CEO Brian J Porter. “But now that Scotiabank is much bigger and more powerful than Nova Scotia, it makes sense to name the province after us. Also, we gave them $5000. And an iPad.”
Scotiabank has aggressively acquired the naming rights to a number of different buildings and institutions in recent years, including the homes of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Raptors and the Calgary Flames, an array of large movie theatres, the Giller Prize, and six marathons.
“$5,000 may seem like a lot to pay for the name of a small province like Nova Scotia,” said Emmanuel Cohen, professor of marketing at the DeGroote School of Business at McMaster University. “But you have to remember that anytime anyone sees a map of Canada, they’ll be thinking of Scotiabank. Also sometimes people go there, and a few people even live there.”
Scotiabank Province’s government also announced a number of similar name changes to cities and institutions, like You’re Richer Than You Think Island (formerly Cape Breton), The Momentum Savings Account Sailboat (formerly the Bluenose II) and the eHOME Mortgage Calculator Ocean Bugs (formerly lobsters). Scotiabank did decline to sponsor Dartmouth, saying it would not “go well with our image.”
At press time, the Federal Government was negotiating the renaming of Canada to Rogers Country presented by Tim Hortons and Netflix.


thebeaverton--2020-09-06--UN charity asks world to donate cell phone data to needy Canadians

NEW YORK – The UN General Assembly has approved a new development fund , which is calling upon countries to donate their cell phone data to a needy Canadian .
“ The United Nations Data Relief Fund will provide hope to many who live above the 49th parallel that they will one day have an affordable phone plan , ” said UN Secretary General António Guterres .
“ I gave 1G that I could easily spare , and now we ’ re calling on you to help this less-fortunate , wealthy country.
” Canadians live under an autocratic oligarchy of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ citizens with cell phone plans that have been described as cruel , limited , and really , really shitty .
The North American country of 37 million people have long lived under the factions of Bell , Telus , and Rodgers .
Previous government interventions for cell phone regime change have failed leaving many civilians to ration their 2G or 5G plans , while others are forced to share their communication devices with family members .
Last week , the Security Council condemned the Telus junta for spreading fake news when the telecommunications @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ myth.
” “ There are too many Canadians out there who can ’ t download my music without incurring a significant cost , which is just a tragedy , ” said Irish rockstar and philanthropist Bono .
“ Please help this struggling G7 country that is still outperformed by nations like Kyrgyzstan or Angola .
”

NEW YORK – The UN General Assembly has approved a new development fund, which is calling upon countries to donate their cell phone data to a needy Canadian.
“The United Nations Data Relief Fund will provide hope to many who live above the 49th parallel that they will one day have an affordable phone plan,” said UN Secretary General António Guterres. “I gave 1G that I could easily spare, and now we’re calling on you to help this less-fortunate, wealthy country.”
Canadians live under an autocratic oligarchy of telecommunications companies who oppress many of its citizens with cell phone plans that have been described as cruel, limited, and really, really shitty.
The North American country of 37 million people have long lived under the factions of Bell, Telus, and Rodgers. Previous government interventions for cell phone regime change have failed leaving many civilians to ration their 2G or 5G plans, while others are forced to share their communication devices with family members.
Last week, the Security Council condemned the Telus junta for spreading fake news when the telecommunications company called high rates in Canada a “myth.”
“There are too many Canadians out there who can’t download my music without incurring a significant cost, which is just a tragedy,” said Irish rockstar and philanthropist Bono. “Please help this struggling G7 country that is still outperformed by nations like Kyrgyzstan or Angola.”


thebeaverton--2020-09-07--Astrophysicists prove Big Bang was result of gender reveal party gone wrong

STANFORD – The physics world has been turned on its head today by incontrovertible proof that our material universe began when a gender reveal party 15 billion years ago resulted in an explosion so huge it created reality as we know it .
“ We ’ ve been studying the clues left over by the Big Bang for decades , but it wasn ’ t until one of our physicists lost their own home in a devastating forest fire caused by a recent gender reveal party that they were able to put two and two together , ” said Dr. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ University of Stanford ’ s Department of Theoretical Astrophysics .
“ What we ’ d always seen as puzzling and even contradictory aspects of the background radiation from the Big Bang turns out to be the galactic equivalent of coloured glitter pushed out of a cannon at speeds high enough to destroy the dimension it was a part of and birth our own.
” While the Big Bang theory has always been able to account for what happened just after the universe was created , it ’ s only now that physics has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ before , during what scientists are calling The Blowout .
“ Putting together the data we ’ ve gathered from the makeup of our universe , we can extrapolate that The Blowout was catered primarily with dark matter , that the decorations were composed mostly of dark energy , and that whoever threw it was the biggest moron in the history and prehistory of the cosmos , ” Dr. Fredericks said .
Now that the theoretical physics community knows how the Big Bang happened , they are focusing on trying to work out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ released was supposed to symbolize a boy or girl .

STANFORD – The physics world has been turned on its head today by incontrovertible proof that our material universe began when a gender reveal party 15 billion years ago resulted in an explosion so huge it created reality as we know it.
“We’ve been studying the clues left over by the Big Bang for decades, but it wasn’t until one of our physicists lost their own home in a devastating forest fire caused by a recent gender reveal party that they were able to put two and two together,” said Dr. Laura Fredericks, the head of the University of Stanford’s Department of Theoretical Astrophysics.
“What we’d always seen as puzzling and even contradictory aspects of the background radiation from the Big Bang turns out to be the galactic equivalent of coloured glitter pushed out of a cannon at speeds high enough to destroy the dimension it was a part of and birth our own.”
While the Big Bang theory has always been able to account for what happened just after the universe was created, it’s only now that physics has a solid template for explaining what happened before, during what scientists are calling The Blowout.
“Putting together the data we’ve gathered from the makeup of our universe, we can extrapolate that The Blowout was catered primarily with dark matter, that the decorations were composed mostly of dark energy, and that whoever threw it was the biggest moron in the history and prehistory of the cosmos,” Dr. Fredericks said.
Now that the theoretical physics community knows how the Big Bang happened, they are focusing on trying to work out whether the vast amounts of hydrogen it released was supposed to symbolize a boy or girl.


thebeaverton--2020-09-08--Scientists discover zebras got stripes to be cool as teens and now they can’t take them off

BRISTOL , UK – A recent study shows zebras are normal horses that got stripes when they were in their teen years and now they can ’ t remove them , even though they want to .
The reasons behind the distinct markings on the African equines have puzzled scientists for centuries .
It was only when Dr. Tim Caro of the University of Bristol gained access to a zebra ’ s diary and translated it into English that he was able to determine that the stripes were more of a perennial fad than an evolutionary adaptation .
“ We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ high school , each and every zebra in grade nine dies stripes into their entire body in a desperate attempt to be cool , ” explained Dr. Caro .
“ only to realize when they get to school that all of their zebra classmates look exactly the same .
And of course , the dye is permanent.
” The clue that tipped Caro off was that no pre-teen zebras exist , which led him to look into the key period of zebra adolescence where zebras become painfully self-conscious and start searching for ways @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Caro has further hypothesized that many of the zebras were normal horses from North America who travelled to Africa to ‘ find themselves ’ .
For most zebras , the stripes had unintended consequences later in life that the teen equines did not consider when they made such a drastic change at a young age : zebras can ’ t apply for certain horse jobs , they can ’ t donate blood , and they also can ’ t be buried in a Jewish horse cemetery .
Many zebras say they are just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the nineties horse craze of going ‘ full unicorn ’ and get a fake horn implanted , a look which , according to most horses , does not age well .

BRISTOL, UK – A recent study shows zebras are normal horses that got stripes when they were in their teen years and now they can’t remove them, even though they want to.
The reasons behind the distinct markings on the African equines have puzzled scientists for centuries. It was only when Dr. Tim Caro of the University of Bristol gained access to a zebra’s diary and translated it into English that he was able to determine that the stripes were more of a perennial fad than an evolutionary adaptation.
“We discovered that when a zebra reaches zebra high school, each and every zebra in grade nine dyes stripes into their entire body in a desperate attempt to be cool,” explained Dr. Caro. “only to realize when they get to school that all of their zebra classmates look exactly the same. And of course, the dye is permanent.”
The clue that tipped Caro off was that no pre-teen zebras exist, which led him to look into the key period of zebra adolescence where zebras become painfully self-conscious and start searching for ways to differentiate themselves from the herd. Caro has further hypothesized that many of the zebras were normal horses from North America who travelled to Africa to ‘find themselves’.
For most zebras, the stripes had unintended consequences later in life that the teen equines did not consider when they made such a drastic change at a young age: zebras can’t apply for certain horse jobs, they can’t donate blood, and they also can’t be buried in a Jewish horse cemetery.
Many zebras say they are just grateful that they didn’t adopt the nineties horse craze of going ‘full unicorn’ and get a fake horn implanted, a look which, according to most horses, does not age well.


thebeaverton--2020-09-08--Students spend first day back decorating body bags for grandparents

MISSISSAUGA – In a back to school activity designed to teach about actions having consequences , students spent the afternoon decorating body bags for their grandparents .
The art activity was done across the Ontario public school system , with requirements tailored to be age appropriate .
Kindergarten students fingerpainted hearts onto the bags , while grades one to eight did collages of photographs and drawings for their loved ones to bring to the afterlife .
In addition to decoration , secondary school students were required to include an essay on why sending students to school and re-opening the economy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and in particular the lives of seniors .
“ I want my grandparents to know how much I love them before they get sick !
” exclaimed Lucas .
He then lifted his mask to show his big smile and a trickle of snot from his nose , which he wiped with the back of his hand and smeared on his desk .
While the activity was mostly done in good spirits , some students felt aggrieved .
“ It wasn ’ t a fair project , ” said Olivia .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all my grandparents are all alive , but Jack only had three to do since his grandfather in Florida died of Covid over the summer.
” Happy faces were most evident in classes from kindergarten through grade four – primarily because younger students are not required to wear masks – and the first day was deemed a success .
“ I love being back at school !
” beamed Mia as she breathed in droplets from Liam .
At press time it was confirmed that all body bags were donated by the Ontario @ @ @ @ @

MISSISSAUGA – In a back to school activity designed to teach about actions having consequences, students spent the afternoon decorating body bags for their grandparents.
The art activity was done across the Ontario public school system, with requirements tailored to be age appropriate. Kindergarten students fingerpainted hearts onto the bags, while grades one to eight did collages of photographs and drawings for their loved ones to bring to the afterlife.
In addition to decoration, secondary school students were required to include an essay on why sending students to school and re-opening the economy outweighs the safety of all citizens, and in particular the lives of seniors.
“I want my grandparents to know how much I love them before they get sick!” exclaimed Lucas. He then lifted his mask to show his big smile and a trickle of snot from his nose, which he wiped with the back of his hand and smeared on his desk.
While the activity was mostly done in good spirits, some students felt aggrieved.
“It wasn’t a fair project,” said Olivia. “I had to make four of them because all my grandparents are all alive, but Jack only had three to do since his grandfather in Florida died of Covid over the summer.”
Happy faces were most evident in classes from kindergarten through grade four – primarily because younger students are not required to wear masks – and the first day was deemed a success.
“I love being back at school!” beamed Mia as she breathed in droplets from Liam.
At press time it was confirmed that all body bags were donated by the Ontario Society of Funeral Directors.


thebeaverton--2020-09-08--Heartwarming! This kid is scared of her first day of school for regular reasons

Remember those first day of school butterflies ?
Worrying that you wouldn ’ t have the right backpack , or make any new friends .
Well this tradition is being kept adorably alive as 10-year-old Madison Flenning has admitted to being nervous over her return to school , not cuz she ’ s scared of catching or spreading the COVID-19 virus like everyone else , but for regular kid reasons !
As Madison prepares to begin Grade 4 , she ’ s reportedly worried because she spent most of the summer , “ hanging out with Priya and Ainsley , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ quaint is that ?
You ’ d barely realize there ’ s an unprecedented global pandemic threatening the lives of millions when this kind of old-fashioned friend drama is brewing !
Hey kid , never change , unless it ’ s your handwashing habits to ensure that you don ’ t spread coronavirus to your classmates or teacher !
While the rest of Madison ’ s pals are losing sleep due to their parents ’ anxieties over lax back-to-school COVID protocols , she ’ s lying in bed worrying whether Trevor S. will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him last year .
Oops !
Better not share any more gooey snacks this year !
Better yet , don ’ t get inside each other ’ s 6 foot breathing space at all !
Young Madison has reportedly expressed concern over laying out the perfect first day of school outfit , seeming to express zero concern that her cool new sweater won ’ t provide any additional PPE benefit .
She also said she hiopes she “ doesn ’ t get in Mr. Derkins class ” , unaware that the notoriously mean @ @ @ @ @ @ @ exposure .
When asked what she ’ s most nervous about this school year , did Madison answer “ COVID ” or “ virus comorbidities ” or even “ becoming an asymptomatic carrier and bringing the virus home to my unsuspecting Nanny and Grampie ” ?
Heck no !
She answered , “ I guess I ’ m just worried that I won ’ t fit in , you know ?
” Well Madison , we think that ’ s fantastic !
Also , if you ’ re really concerned about fitting in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the COVID-19 virus , the way that most if not all of your fellow classmates are doing right now !

Remember those first day of school butterflies? Worrying that you wouldn’t have the right backpack, or make any new friends. Well this tradition is being kept adorably alive as 10-year-old Madison Flenning has admitted to being nervous over her return to school, not cuz she’s scared of catching or spreading the COVID-19 virus like everyone else, but for regular kid reasons!
As Madison prepares to begin Grade 4, she’s reportedly worried because she spent most of the summer, “hanging out with Priya and Ainsley, but barely talked to Mary.” How quaint is that? You’d barely realize there’s an unprecedented global pandemic threatening the lives of millions when this kind of old-fashioned friend drama is brewing!
Hey kid, never change, unless it’s your handwashing habits to ensure that you don’t spread coronavirus to your classmates or teacher!
While the rest of Madison’s pals are losing sleep due to their parents’ anxieties over lax back-to-school COVID protocols, she’s lying in bed worrying whether Trevor S. will remember how she shared her Gogurt with him last year. Oops! Better not share any more gooey snacks this year! Better yet, don’t get inside each other’s 6 foot breathing space at all!
Young Madison has reportedly expressed concern over laying out the perfect first day of school outfit, seeming to express zero concern that her cool new sweater won’t provide any additional PPE benefit. She also said she hiopes she “doesn’t get in Mr. Derkins class”, unaware that the notoriously mean teacher is currently self-quarantining due to COVID exposure.
When asked what she’s most nervous about this school year, did Madison answer “COVID” or “virus comorbidities” or even “becoming an asymptomatic carrier and bringing the virus home to my unsuspecting Nanny and Grampie”? Heck no! She answered, “I guess I’m just worried that I won’t fit in, you know?”
Well Madison, we think that’s fantastic! Also, if you’re really concerned about fitting in, may we suggest getting really terrified of the COVID-19 virus, the way that most if not all of your fellow classmates are doing right now!


thebeaverton--2020-09-08--Parents relieved to send kids back to school for 3 weeks before they shut down again

TORONTO – Parents across most of the country were glad to get a small vacation from their school-aged children before they ’ re sent back due to more COVID-19 outbreaks .
“ I love my kids , but the past six months have been a trying time , ” said Kara Evans , mother of 8-year-old Oliver and 5-year-old Clairssa whose primary school will close some time in late September due to dozens of pupils and teachers becoming ill within the institution .
“ I hope these new lunch pails I bought last through the year.
” Some mothers , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ overjoyed to see their young ones board a bus this morning , which will no longer be running once the second wave hits .
“ Finally , time to myself , ” said Karen Wu , mother of four-year-old Liam , who will not have any time from October 2020 until sometime next year as the child quarantines with her in a two-bedroom apartment .
“ I can now focus on my career again and not have to watch Paw Patrol ad-nauseum.
” “ But I don ’ t want to go back @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fifth grader whose wish will soon be fulfilled once her and her schoolmates are unable to socially distance due to large class sizes .
According to sources , parents sent 8-year-old Kevin Smith to school despite having a low-grade fever and a cough just to get him out of the house .

TORONTO – Parents across most of the country were glad to get a small vacation from their school-aged children before they’re sent back due to more COVID-19 outbreaks.
“I love my kids, but the past six months have been a trying time,” said Kara Evans, mother of 8-year-old Oliver and 5-year-old Clairssa whose primary school will close some time in late September due to dozens of pupils and teachers becoming ill within the institution. “I hope these new lunch pails I bought last through the year.”
Some mothers, fathers, and other primary caretakers were overjoyed to see their young ones board a bus this morning, which will no longer be running once the second wave hits.
“Finally, time to myself,” said Karen Wu, mother of four-year-old Liam, who will not have any time from October 2020 until sometime next year as the child quarantines with her in a two-bedroom apartment. “I can now focus on my career again and not have to watch Paw Patrol ad-nauseum.”
“But I don’t want to go back to school,” complained a shy fifth grader whose wish will soon be fulfilled once her and her schoolmates are unable to socially distance due to large class sizes.
According to sources, parents sent 8-year-old Kevin Smith to school despite having a low-grade fever and a cough just to get him out of the house.


thebeaverton--2020-09-09--International pedophile ring brought down by guy whose profile pic is a sunset

HUNTSVILLE , ON – A global ring of wealthy , politically connected child traffickers has been exposed and subsequently brought to justice by a guy on Facebook whose profile photo is a low-res sunset .
The profile image was last updated in 2013 .
Dominic Barrass has been posting the results of his ongoing investigation on Facebook for the past four years , outlining the connections between numerous major Hollywood figures , high ranking politicians , seemingly random small businesses whose names might be code for something , and Area 51 .
His daily updates about the secret child sex @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with photos of 5G towers , images of historical figures next to quotes they never said , and memes about the differences between men and women .
They were seen by people he went to high school with or caught fish near , and eventually attracted the attention of Interpol , leading to the arrest of hundreds of millionaire pedophiles .
“ We had no idea how far up this conspiracy went until Mr. Barrass brought all this to our attention , ” stated Philippe Schonely , the Interpol officer who first saw @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what he had unearthed , it was as if all of us here at Interpol were merely sheep-people — or sheeple — who needed to wake up.
” Barrass has been conducting his independent online investigation by watching whatever YouTube videos get recommended to him by the algorithm and choosing to find deeper layers of meaning in things that suit him .
“ It ’ s all right there , ” he explained .
“ If you don ’ t believe this , you ’ re probably one of those people that think @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” According to a statement by the now incarcerated head of the child sex ring , “ We deliberately left clues right out in the open for people to see because we were so sure that the public was too stupid to put all the pieces together .
We hadn ’ t counted on the superior pattern-recognition abilities of one lonely guy who shares memes about mind-control.
” Barrass is also widely known as the man who convinced the entire scientific community to admit that the world is flat .

HUNTSVILLE, ON – A global ring of wealthy, politically connected child traffickers has been exposed and subsequently brought to justice by a guy on Facebook whose profile photo is a low-res sunset. The profile image was last updated in 2013.
Dominic Barrass has been posting the results of his ongoing investigation on Facebook for the past four years, outlining the connections between numerous major Hollywood figures, high ranking politicians, seemingly random small businesses whose names might be code for something, and Area 51. His daily updates about the secret child sex satanists controlling the government were mixed in with photos of 5G towers, images of historical figures next to quotes they never said, and memes about the differences between men and women. They were seen by people he went to high school with or caught fish near, and eventually attracted the attention of Interpol, leading to the arrest of hundreds of millionaire pedophiles.
“We had no idea how far up this conspiracy went until Mr. Barrass brought all this to our attention,” stated Philippe Schonely, the Interpol officer who first saw the Facebook posts. “Until reading what he had unearthed, it was as if all of us here at Interpol were merely sheep-people — or sheeple — who needed to wake up.”
Barrass has been conducting his independent online investigation by watching whatever YouTube videos get recommended to him by the algorithm and choosing to find deeper layers of meaning in things that suit him. “It’s all right there,” he explained. “If you don’t believe this, you’re probably one of those people that think that earthquakes just ‘happen’.”
According to a statement by the now incarcerated head of the child sex ring, “We deliberately left clues right out in the open for people to see because we were so sure that the public was too stupid to put all the pieces together. We hadn’t counted on the superior pattern-recognition abilities of one lonely guy who shares memes about mind-control.”
Barrass is also widely known as the man who convinced the entire scientific community to admit that the world is flat.


thebeaverton--2020-09-09--BC’s top doc: “This is why we can’t have nice things”

VICTORIA – An exhausted Dr. Bonnie Henry has reminded 5 million residents of British Columbia that this is why they can ’ t have nice things .
“ I ’ d expect this kind of behaviour from Alberta or Quebec , but not you , ” said a disappointed Henry about the skyrocketing coronavirus cases in the province .
“ How many times have we been over this ?
You have to distance from other people , wash your hands , and… …No , you can ’ t have a big party , ” replied Henry to a question from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t care if your best friend Tyler had a big one last year .
That was before COVID.
” Explaining that she had it up to here with non-compliant behaviour , the BC Chief Medical Officer of Health announced her restrictions in a slow , deliberate tone .
“ Each time you go to a nice restaurant or a banquet hall , you act out and spread your coronavirus to someone else .
We have been very patient , but some of you just can ’ t help yourselves during a pandemic , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time , Dr. Henry further scorned British Columbians for drawing on the wall .

VICTORIA – An exhausted Dr. Bonnie Henry has reminded 5 million residents of British Columbia that this is why they can’t have nice things.
“I’d expect this kind of behaviour from Alberta or Quebec, but not you,” said a disappointed Henry about the skyrocketing coronavirus cases in the province. “How many times have we been over this? You have to distance from other people, wash your hands, and…
…No, you can’t have a big party,” replied Henry to a question from a journalist. “I don’t care if your best friend Tyler had a big one last year. That was before COVID.”
Explaining that she had it up to here with non-compliant behaviour, the BC Chief Medical Officer of Health announced her restrictions in a slow, deliberate tone.
“Each time you go to a nice restaurant or a banquet hall, you act out and spread your coronavirus to someone else. We have been very patient, but some of you just can’t help yourselves during a pandemic, now can you?”
At press time, Dr. Henry further scorned British Columbians for drawing on the wall.


thebeaverton--2020-09-09--Erin O’Toole can’t understand why Lügenpresse are criticizing his Canada First policy

OTTAWA – Conservative Leader Erin O ’ Toole is said to be flummoxed as to why the Lying Press is criticizing him for announcing a Canada First approach to the economy and global trade .
“ All I did was announce a fiscal policy under a name with clear fascist and anti-semitic connections , ” said a confused O ’ Toole .
“ And now these fake news outlets , with their international bourgeoisie agenda , are coming after me ?
” “ I bet the Rothschilds are behind this , ” he added .
Canada First is derived from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the KKK and fascist sympathizing isolationists during WWII which has been adopted by Donald Trump .
O ’ Toole claims he was completely unaware of these connections however , and merely meant to suggest that he would put the lives and prosperity of Canadians , specifically those who support him , over what is good for the world and humanity at large .
Why he announced the plan in front of a portrait of Charles Lindbergh is really anyone ’ s guess .
“ I would never endorse anything to do with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ excuse me I have to go burn down Parliament and blame the Communists , ” said O ’ Toole .

OTTAWA – Conservative Leader Erin O’Toole is said to be flummoxed as to why the Lying Press is criticizing him for announcing a Canada First approach to the economy and global trade.
“All I did was announce a fiscal policy under a name with clear fascist and anti-semitic connections,” said a confused O’Toole. “And now these fake news outlets, with their international bourgeoisie agenda, are coming after me?”
“I bet the Rothschilds are behind this,” he added.
Canada First is derived from ‘America First’ the rallying cry of the KKK and fascist sympathizing isolationists during WWII which has been adopted by Donald Trump. O’Toole claims he was completely unaware of these connections however, and merely meant to suggest that he would put the lives and prosperity of Canadians, specifically those who support him, over what is good for the world and humanity at large. Why he announced the plan in front of a portrait of Charles Lindbergh is really anyone’s guess.
“I would never endorse anything to do with fascism. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go burn down Parliament and blame the Communists,” said O’Toole.


thebeaverton--2020-09-09--Cocksure pigeon really struttin’ about town

TORONTO – Sources on the ground are reporting that one surprisingly cocksure pigeon was struttin ’ down Bloor Street this past Monday as though he owned the whole town .
“ Usually I don ’ t even give pigeons a second-thought , I mean I think it would be weird if I did , ” said Craig Krillbrugor , a payroll clerk .
“ But this smug asshole was really moseying on down and taking up the whole sidewalk .
Even though it rubbed me the wrong way , I got ta respect the little guy ’ s hustle.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ question stood out due to the quiet confidence by which he carried himself .
According to another eye-witness , this tiny scofflaw didn ’ t move away like the rest of the flock in frantic , jittery motions .
Instead , the bold bird kept on pumpin ’ down the street , cooing as he pleased .
Samira Mikhail , an investment analyst on her lunch break , was visibly shaken up by the encounter .
“ I ’ m used to these little nuisances respecting the social hierarchy , in which we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sometimes a particularly bold pigeon will flap its wings a little too close for comfort , but most of the time I can shoo them away .
But this arrogant punk was bopping along without a care .
It ’ s like he was attuned to some greater existential truth about the universe , ” Mikhail sighed .
“ He seemed genuinely happy , and I envy him for that.
” At press time , onlookers report that the pigeon had successfully used a revolving door and was now groovin ’ his way @ @ @ @ @ @ @

TORONTO – Sources on the ground are reporting that one surprisingly cocksure pigeon was struttin’ down Bloor Street this past Monday as though he owned the whole town.
“Usually I don’t even give pigeons a second-thought, I mean I think it would be weird if I did,” said Craig Krillbrugor, a payroll clerk. “But this smug asshole was really moseying on down and taking up the whole sidewalk. Even though it rubbed me the wrong way, I gotta respect the little guy’s hustle.”
Other pedestrians confirmed that the pigeon in question stood out due to the quiet confidence by which he carried himself. According to another eye-witness, this tiny scofflaw didn’t move away like the rest of the flock in frantic, jittery motions. Instead, the bold bird kept on pumpin’ down the street, cooing as he pleased.
Samira Mikhail, an investment analyst on her lunch break, was visibly shaken up by the encounter.
“I’m used to these little nuisances respecting the social hierarchy, in which we as humans are at the top. Sometimes a particularly bold pigeon will flap its wings a little too close for comfort, but most of the time I can shoo them away. But this arrogant punk was bopping along without a care. It’s like he was attuned to some greater existential truth about the universe,” Mikhail sighed.
“He seemed genuinely happy, and I envy him for that.”
At press time, onlookers report that the pigeon had successfully used a revolving door and was now groovin’ his way into the lobby of a Scotiabank.


thebeaverton--2020-09-10--Cop wears internal thoughts on the outside

TORONTO – A Toronto police officer seen with a patch featuring the symbol of Marvel ’ s The Punisher on his uniform while at a traffic safety news conference was only wearing his internal thoughts on the outside , police sources say .
Angela Ling , spokesperson for the Toronto Police Service , said , “ The Punisher is a vigilante who , following the murder of his wife and children , ignores civil rights and uses violence , torture , and lethal force – obviously this cop doesn ’ t require such a motivating backstory to develop the same @ @ @ @ @ @ @ committed to making sure this cop will never again alter his uniform to reveal the fact that he has this mindset.
” Interim Chief of Police James Ramer made the policy of the Toronto Police Service on this matter clear : “ Frank Castle , aka The Punisher , only sees the world in black and white absolutes of morality , but our police training emphasizes a middle area of plausible deniability.
” “ As for the motto on the badge ‘ Make no mistake I am the sheepdog , ’ it is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the contempt the police harbour for civilian ‘ sheep ’ – rather it is an indication that we like belly rubs and scratches behind the ears.
” The officer who made his own views on law and order clear by wearing the patch will receive a reprimand and disciplinary action in public , and commiserations , high fives , and free rounds of beer from colleagues in private .
Frank Castle has distanced himself from the officer , putting out an official statement that reads : “ Hey , asshole !
Unlike the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is both fictional and untainted by systemic racism .
If you ’ re really a fan , donate to the BLM fundraiser set up by the guy who created me !
”

TORONTO – A Toronto police officer seen with a patch featuring the symbol of Marvel’s The Punisher on his uniform while at a traffic safety news conference was only wearing his internal thoughts on the outside, police sources say.
Angela Ling, spokesperson for the Toronto Police Service, said, “The Punisher is a vigilante who, following the murder of his wife and children, ignores civil rights and uses violence, torture, and lethal force – obviously this cop doesn’t require such a motivating backstory to develop the same mindset.”
“And we are fully committed to making sure this cop will never again alter his uniform to reveal the fact that he has this mindset.”
Interim Chief of Police James Ramer made the policy of the Toronto Police Service on this matter clear: “Frank Castle, aka The Punisher, only sees the world in black and white absolutes of morality, but our police training emphasizes a middle area of plausible deniability.”
“As for the motto on the badge ‘Make no mistake I am the sheepdog,’ it is by no means an obvious sign of the contempt the police harbour for civilian ‘sheep’ – rather it is an indication that we like belly rubs and scratches behind the ears.”
The officer who made his own views on law and order clear by wearing the patch will receive a reprimand and disciplinary action in public, and commiserations, high fives, and free rounds of beer from colleagues in private.
Frank Castle has distanced himself from the officer, putting out an official statement that reads: “Hey, asshole! Unlike the cops, my lengthy history of violence is both fictional and untainted by systemic racism. If you’re really a fan, donate to the BLM fundraiser set up by the guy who created me!”


thebeaverton--2020-09-10--Kielburgers inspire children nationwide to run away from their problems

TORONTO – Amidst government scandal , We Charity has announced it is winding down its operations in Canada in order to inspire countless Canadian children to run away from their problems too .
“ The decision was hard , ” Craig Kielburger began .
“ But the political freight train has proved too difficult in itself to deal with , so we decided to just fuckin ’ bail.
” “ And you can too kids !
” he added .
” Just as our story once inspired thousands of kids to volunteer abroad , we hope this latest development will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ things get rough , provided you walk away with a mountain of cash , ” said Marc .
The Kielburgers sat down for a tell-all interview with CTV , discussing their decision to eliminate staff and sell assets , where the money would go , and how to lace up their latest pair of $ 250,000 running shoes .
“ Wow , the amount of power and drive it took to take off like Usain Bolt when things got rough , ” commented Jimmy O ’ Toole , age 8 .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ work hard , I , too , can just scurry away when too many people ask questions.
” The decision to sell off assets to create an endowment fund , which would pay for We Charity projects worldwide has taught a valuable lesson to the children of Canada , about still demanding to look good while high-tailing it to the hills from a shitstorm you created .
“ I just wish that in all the politics , people thought about what was being lost , ” Craig Kielburger told CTV , “ which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ We started it when we were 12 you know , did you have that in your notes ?
” “ Thanks to the Kielburgers , I have a new approach to problem solving , ” said 10 year-old Vancouver resident Ben Wicks , quickly running off after another resident declared “ That kid ’ s got my wallet !
” Marc and Craig Kielburger had yet to comment on the state of Me to We , the We Charity Foundation , Wellbeing Foundation , or their other branches of We Charity , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of themselves before the questions could be definitively answered .

TORONTO – Amidst government scandal, We Charity has announced it is winding down its operations in Canada in order to inspire countless Canadian children to run away from their problems too.
“The decision was hard,” Craig Kielburger began. “But the political freight train has proved too difficult in itself to deal with, so we decided to just fuckin’ bail.”
“And you can too kids!” he added.
”Just as our story once inspired thousands of kids to volunteer abroad, we hope this latest development will show them the value of deserting when things get rough, provided you walk away with a mountain of cash,” said Marc.
The Kielburgers sat down for a tell-all interview with CTV, discussing their decision to eliminate staff and sell assets, where the money would go, and how to lace up their latest pair of $250,000 running shoes.
“Wow, the amount of power and drive it took to take off like Usain Bolt when things got rough,” commented Jimmy O’Toole, age 8. “I know if I commit my mind and work hard, I, too, can just scurry away when too many people ask questions.”
The decision to sell off assets to create an endowment fund, which would pay for We Charity projects worldwide has taught a valuable lesson to the children of Canada, about still demanding to look good while high-tailing it to the hills from a shitstorm you created.
“I just wish that in all the politics, people thought about what was being lost,” Craig Kielburger told CTV, “which was more good publicity for us. We started it when we were 12 you know, did you have that in your notes?”
“Thanks to the Kielburgers, I have a new approach to problem solving,” said 10 year-old Vancouver resident Ben Wicks, quickly running off after another resident declared “That kid’s got my wallet!”
Marc and Craig Kielburger had yet to comment on the state of Me to We, the We Charity Foundation, Wellbeing Foundation, or their other branches of We Charity, and had disappeared in a cartoonish dust cloud of themselves before the questions could be definitively answered.


thebeaverton--2020-09-10--Trump slams Bob Woodward for waiting months to expose his lies about coronavirus

WASHINGTON DC – Following revelations in his upcoming book Rage that President Trump deliberately downplayed the severity of the COVID-19 pandemic , Trump attacked authour Bob Woodward for withholding the information that could have potentially saved lives .
“ Bob Woodward had my quotes for many months , ” the President tweeted earlier this morning .
“ Had he exposed me , tens of thousands of Americans could still be alive !
How does Woodward sleep at night with this blood on his hands ?
” According to his publisher , Woodward collected the damning quotes from Trump earlier this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when the White House was publicly maintaining that the pandemic would likely be harmless and disappear by the summer .
“ Woodward knew I was lying through my teeth , and he held onto the quotes for months just to juice his book sales ?
” “ For shame , ” tweeted the President of the United States of America .
President Trump was not the only Washington insider admonishing Woodward for sitting on the explosive quotes .
“ Had Bob Woodward revealed in March that Trump was willfully misleading the American public @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to stop him , ” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell .
“ But now it ’ s too little too late .
The 190,000 dead – and counting – are on your head and you head alone , ” added McConnell .
Reached for comment Woodward maintained his journalistic objectivity , but also urged readers to purchase his 2021 book that will detail the Canadian province Trump plans to launch nuclear weapons as an “ October election surprise ” .

WASHINGTON DC – Following revelations in his upcoming book Rage that President Trump deliberately downplayed the severity of the COVID-19 pandemic, Trump attacked authour Bob Woodward for withholding the information that could have potentially saved lives.
“Bob Woodward had my quotes for many months,” the President tweeted earlier this morning. “Had he exposed me, tens of thousands of Americans could still be alive! How does Woodward sleep at night with this blood on his hands?”
According to his publisher, Woodward collected the damning quotes from Trump earlier this year in February, at a time when the White House was publicly maintaining that the pandemic would likely be harmless and disappear by the summer. “Woodward knew I was lying through my teeth, and he held onto the quotes for months just to juice his book sales?”
“For shame,” tweeted the President of the United States of America.
President Trump was not the only Washington insider admonishing Woodward for sitting on the explosive quotes. “Had Bob Woodward revealed in March that Trump was willfully misleading the American public, we probably would have been forced to stop him,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
“But now it’s too little too late. The 190,000 dead – and counting – are on your head and you head alone,” added McConnell.
Reached for comment Woodward maintained his journalistic objectivity, but also urged readers to purchase his 2021 book that will detail the Canadian province Trump plans to launch nuclear weapons as an “October election surprise”.


thebeaverton--2020-09-10--Beloved condo development torn down to make way for new condo development

TORONTO – Toronto city planners have announced that a long-cherished condominium development in the heart of downtown Toronto will soon be paved to make way for yet another new condo development .
The beloved , half-finished condo complex known as The Bentley has occupied an entire city block near the intersections of Church Street and Wellesley for the better part of seven years and has become a fixture in the hearts and minds of people across the city .
The reaction that it is going to be torn down to make way for just another soulless condo complex has inspired @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s an outrage , is what it is !
I spent every Friday night protesting the construction of The Bentley and the gentrifying of our area with my friends and neighbours , ” screamed James McDougall , a local resident , “ To think that the city is now going to lose this precious landmark condominium for the sake of the further homogenization of the city ’ s character is beyond offensive !
” “ This city doesn ’ t need more condos !
What it needs are condos !
” he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ recognize that the loss of a condominium can impact a community and have pledged to do what they can to mitigate the damage .
To that end , they have committed to retaining The Bentley ’ s beautiful , early 21st century façade and incorporating it into the look of the new building .
They have also ensured that the beautiful road closures and construction scaffolding which typified the Bentley will remain in place permanently .
“ We know that the Bentley held a special place in the hearts of people who spent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ruining the city , ” said Project Manager David Wilmons , “ but it is now time to move on from the past focus on condo developments and move onto a bright new future of condo developments.
” Though the focus of the attention has been about the loss of The Bentley , activists have been quick to point out that smaller establishments – like Rexall , A & W , and another Rexall – also called the site their home .
These business serviced a broad swath of needs for the community @ @ @ @ @ @ @ At the end of the day , we ’ ll always have our wonderful memories of time spent at The Bentley , ” said Maria Gutierrez , wistfully , “ like that time my husband and I spent a magical afternoon touring the one of the sample suites during the pre-construction stage only to later learn that the units were going for $ 40,000 over asking and so we just renewed our basement apartment lease instead.
” Requests for comment from provincial officials have not been answered as Queen ’ s Park has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a new condo .

TORONTO – Toronto city planners have announced that a long-cherished condominium development in the heart of downtown Toronto will soon be paved to make way for yet another new condo development.
The beloved, half-finished condo complex known as The Bentley has occupied an entire city block near the intersections of Church Street and Wellesley for the better part of seven years and has become a fixture in the hearts and minds of people across the city. The reaction that it is going to be torn down to make way for just another soulless condo complex has inspired objections by many citizens.
“It’s an outrage, is what it is! I spent every Friday night protesting the construction of The Bentley and the gentrifying of our area with my friends and neighbours,” screamed James McDougall, a local resident, “To think that the city is now going to lose this precious landmark condominium for the sake of the further homogenization of the city’s character is beyond offensive!”
“This city doesn’t need more condos! What it needs are condos!” he continued.
Developers have said that they recognize that the loss of a condominium can impact a community and have pledged to do what they can to mitigate the damage. To that end, they have committed to retaining The Bentley’s beautiful, early 21st century façade and incorporating it into the look of the new building. They have also ensured that the beautiful road closures and construction scaffolding which typified the Bentley will remain in place permanently.
“We know that the Bentley held a special place in the hearts of people who spent time muttering about how condo developments are ruining the city,” said Project Manager David Wilmons, “but it is now time to move on from the past focus on condo developments and move onto a bright new future of condo developments.”
Though the focus of the attention has been about the loss of The Bentley, activists have been quick to point out that smaller establishments – like Rexall, A&W, and another Rexall – also called the site their home. These business serviced a broad swath of needs for the community and will be sorely missed.
“At the end of the day, we’ll always have our wonderful memories of time spent at The Bentley,” said Maria Gutierrez, wistfully, “like that time my husband and I spent a magical afternoon touring the one of the sample suites during the pre-construction stage only to later learn that the units were going for $40,000 over asking and so we just renewed our basement apartment lease instead.”
“Magical…” she sighed.
Requests for comment from provincial officials have not been answered as Queen’s Park has recently been bulldozed for the groundbreaking of a new condo.


thebeaverton--2020-09-10--Face masks replaces Tim Hortons cups as Canada’s preferred public litter

Move over discarded double-double !
The face mask is now Canada ’ s favourite source of roadside trash .
The @ @ @ @ @ the once beloved plastic-lined cup is being replaced with millions of blue non-medical procedural masks @ @ @ @ @ Is it a sign that Canadians have moved on from one of their preferred coffee @ @ @ @ @ re casting away their used PPE in parks , trails , streams , and gutters @ @ @ @ @ own that free advertising space , but now they ’ re being covered up thanks @ @ @ @ @ Thank goodness we don ’ t treat each other like the way we treat the @ @

Move over discarded double-double! The face mask is now Canada’s favourite source of roadside trash.
The rubbish race is on as the once beloved plastic-lined cup is being replaced with millions of blue non-medical procedural masks decorating our public spaces.
Is it a sign that Canadians have moved on from one of their preferred coffee shops now that they’re casting away their used PPE in parks, trails, streams, and gutters?
Tim Hortons used to own that free advertising space, but now they’re being covered up thanks to people covering up.
Thank goodness we don’t treat each other like the way we treat the environment!


thebeaverton--2020-09-11--Premier Ford outraged federal government not doing his job

TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford expressed his frustration and outrage that the federal government is not doing his job .
@ @ @ @ @ by provincial and municipal police forces breaking quarantine and they weren ’ t even charged @ @ @ @ @ Ford .
“ Why doesn ’ t the federal government investigate these police forces under @ @ @ @ @ charge these scofflaws ?
The system is broken.
” Ford reminded members of the media @ @ @ @ @ to take responsibility in other areas such as education and health care .
“ It @ @ @ @ @ Minister and his cabinet step up and lead my province , ” added Ford .
@ @ @ @ @ was asking the feds for another $ 10 billion that the Premier already blew on @ @ @

TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford expressed his frustration and outrage that the federal government is not doing his job.
“622 people were caught by provincial and municipal police forces breaking quarantine and they weren’t even charged,” said a disgusted Ford. “Why doesn’t the federal government investigate these police forces under my jurisdiction for refusing to charge these scofflaws? The system is broken.”
Ford reminded members of the media that the federal government needs to take responsibility in other areas such as education and health care.
“It’s time the Prime Minister and his cabinet step up and lead my province,” added Ford.
In related news, Ontario was asking the feds for another $10 billion that the Premier already blew on anti-COVID-19 stickers.


thebeaverton--2020-09-11--Vancouver experiencing severe Mothman infestation

VANCOUVER – The Lower Mainland is witnessing an explosive increase in the area ’ s Mothman population , with experts calling it the largest cryptid infestation they ’ ve seen in decades .
“ Outbreaks like this tend to be cyclical , with the number of Mothmen surging every twenty years or so , ” says local cryptobiologist Dr. Caroline DeKnight .
While the public is expressing some discontent at the swarms of two-metre tall creatures with glowing red eyes currently flying around Vancouver , Dr. DeKnight says this is a perfectly natural increase in their numbers given their life-cycle @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Native to the American state of West Virginia , the Mothman has slowly been spreading across North America for the last half century as global warming makes formerly hostile environments like the B.C .
coast more habitable to the winged humanoid .
“ It ’ s commonly believed that Mothmen are harbingers of doom , but when they present in the kind of numbers we ’ re currently seeing they ’ re far more likely to be harbingers of irritation , usually as a result of their own presence , ” Dr. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not uncommon for them to cause car accidents by distracting drivers , and more than one individual has been startled into having a heart attack when one of these massive flying critters drops suddenly out of the sky to feed on a discarded hot dog or soft pretzel.
” Vancouver ’ s North Shore has been particularly inundated during this surge , with most residents unable to open their windows at night without letting in several of the creatures who then proceed to fly around in a panic , which ( given their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and property damage until the resident is able to shoo them back outside .
“ Mothmen are an invasive species , and we can ’ t yet say what their increased numbers mean for native cryptids like the Thunderbird , Sasquatch , and Ogopogo , ” Dr. DeKnight says .
“ All we can do is hope the Mothman manages to adapt to our environment without causing the kind of damage the American Emo Vampire has wrought in the area after it migrated here from the U.S. over a decade ago.
” Experts @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when the temperature drops later in the year but are cautioning that if it ’ s a mild winter or the Mothmen evolve the ability to purchase winter jackets they may become a year-round pest .

VANCOUVER – The Lower Mainland is witnessing an explosive increase in the area’s Mothman population, with experts calling it the largest cryptid infestation they’ve seen in decades.
“Outbreaks like this tend to be cyclical, with the number of Mothmen surging every twenty years or so,” says local cryptobiologist Dr. Caroline DeKnight. While the public is expressing some discontent at the swarms of two-metre tall creatures with glowing red eyes currently flying around Vancouver, Dr. DeKnight says this is a perfectly natural increase in their numbers given their life-cycle and is nothing to be alarmed about.
Native to the American state of West Virginia, the Mothman has slowly been spreading across North America for the last half century as global warming makes formerly hostile environments like the B.C. coast more habitable to the winged humanoid.
“It’s commonly believed that Mothmen are harbingers of doom, but when they present in the kind of numbers we’re currently seeing they’re far more likely to be harbingers of irritation, usually as a result of their own presence,” Dr. DeKnight says. “It’s not uncommon for them to cause car accidents by distracting drivers, and more than one individual has been startled into having a heart attack when one of these massive flying critters drops suddenly out of the sky to feed on a discarded hot dog or soft pretzel.”
Vancouver’s North Shore has been particularly inundated during this surge, with most residents unable to open their windows at night without letting in several of the creatures who then proceed to fly around in a panic, which (given their three-metre wingspan) often leads to injury and property damage until the resident is able to shoo them back outside.
“Mothmen are an invasive species, and we can’t yet say what their increased numbers mean for native cryptids like the Thunderbird, Sasquatch, and Ogopogo,” Dr. DeKnight says. “All we can do is hope the Mothman manages to adapt to our environment without causing the kind of damage the American Emo Vampire has wrought in the area after it migrated here from the U.S. over a decade ago.”
Experts believe the current infestation will die down when the temperature drops later in the year but are cautioning that if it’s a mild winter or the Mothmen evolve the ability to purchase winter jackets they may become a year-round pest.


thebeaverton--2020-09-11--Parents no longer consoling kids with: ‘it’s not the end of the world’

TORONTO – Parents across the planet have been racking their brains for new ways to calm their distressed children after realizing that the commonly used phrase : “ it ’ s not the end of the world ” no longer applies .
Staring at news photos of the orange , smoke filled skies in California , Cheryl Mason of Pickering described her recent parenting dilemma : “ This pandemic has been really tough for people with kids .
The other day , my six-year old fell down , and started wailing like the bloody world was ending .
I started @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s not the end of the worl— ’ But then I just stopped and realized what I was saying.
” “ Eventually I pivoted to ‘ I mean , it ’ s definitely not the end of the universe , we know that much at least .
Who knows ?
Maybe we can establish a new colony on Mars !
’ ” Joanna Hanley encountered the same problem while trying to comfort her recently dumped teenage daughter : “ Tiffany , everything will be ok… ” she then closed her eyes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 2 % of the population.
” She shook her head and tried again .
“ Listen , there ’ s plenty more fish in the sea… ” she sighed , “ well , actually , because of illegal fishing , trawling , and pollution , there ’ s a rapidly dwindling number of fish in the sea , most of which have ingested trillions of particles of discarded microplastics !
Ok , I think we both need to take a deep breath .
You ’ re just gon na have to suck it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ You could catch COVID-19 and die !
” Michael Gravell , long-time Alberta resident , had a slightly different strategy for consoling his children during these challenging times .
He swatted a lingering murder hornet and explained : “ My two fellas told me at bedtime they were worried about their schooling , being the little keeners that they are .
I said to them , ‘ listen kids , you think you have it tough ?
Well when I was your age , we didn ’ t even have internet !
’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Oh man , I guess that ’ s nothing compared to risking your life to get educated .
Ok , just try to get some sleep ; the sun will come out tomorrow…maybe .
If it does it ’ ll give us all skin cancer and destroy the planet thanks to the damn hole in the ozone layer !
’ At that point , I looked out the window and realized everything was on fire .
Again.
” At press time , all three parents were glumly sharing the meaning of ‘ Doomsday @ @ @ @ @ @ @ while simultaneously sharing the age-old practice of drowning sorrows with a nice stiff drink .

TORONTO – Parents across the planet have been racking their brains for new ways to calm their distressed children after realizing that the commonly used phrase: “it’s not the end of the world” no longer applies.
Staring at news photos of the orange, smoke filled skies in California, Cheryl Mason of Pickering described her recent parenting dilemma:
“This pandemic has been really tough for people with kids. The other day, my six-year old fell down, and started wailing like the bloody world was ending. I started to tell him, ‘Timmy, it’s not the end of the worl—’ But then I just stopped and realized what I was saying.”
“Eventually I pivoted to ‘I mean, it’s definitely not the end of the universe, we know that much at least. Who knows? Maybe we can establish a new colony on Mars!’”
Joanna Hanley encountered the same problem while trying to comfort her recently dumped teenage daughter:
“Tiffany, everything will be ok…” she then closed her eyes and whispered, “…for like, 2% of the population.” She shook her head and tried again. “Listen, there’s plenty more fish in the sea…” she sighed, “well, actually, because of illegal fishing, trawling, and pollution, there’s a rapidly dwindling number of fish in the sea, most of which have ingested trillions of particles of discarded microplastics! Ok, I think we both need to take a deep breath. You’re just gonna have to suck it up. Well, not literally. You could catch COVID-19 and die!”
Michael Gravell, long-time Alberta resident, had a slightly different strategy for consoling his children during these challenging times. He swatted a lingering murder hornet and explained:
“My two fellas told me at bedtime they were worried about their schooling, being the little keeners that they are. I said to them, ‘listen kids, you think you have it tough? Well when I was your age, we didn’t even have internet!’” I suddenly caught myself. “Oh man, I guess that’s nothing compared to risking your life to get educated. Ok, just try to get some sleep; the sun will come out tomorrow…maybe. If it does it’ll give us all skin cancer and destroy the planet thanks to the damn hole in the ozone layer!’ At that point, I looked out the window and realized everything was on fire. Again.”
At press time, all three parents were glumly sharing the meaning of ‘Doomsday Clock’ with their bewildered children, while simultaneously sharing the age-old practice of drowning sorrows with a nice stiff drink.


thebeaverton--2020-09-12--Epidemiologists expect second wave of fuckwittery to be worse than the first

VANCOUVER – Epidemiologists at BCCDC are warning the public that the second wave of fuckwittery will be worse than the first .
“ We ’ re expecting many more cases of reckless dumbassery throughout the months of September until January which also coincides with regular dipshit season during Christmas shopping , ” said Wendy Furlough , an epidemiologist .
“ We encourage everyone to hunker down and avoid close contact with dullards to prevent the spread of bullshit.
” Experts say putzes vandalizing cars with US license plates , pea-brained university students hosting parties , and self-centred assholes participating in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the next wave of fuckwits have arrived .
“ Based on our current projections , the incidence rate of fuckwittery next month will be three times higher than six months ago , ” said Furlough pointing to the highest point of the stooge curve .
“ That ’ s over 500,000 active doofuses at any given time.
” Equally concerning is the mutation of several brainless windbags who have gained a complete immunity to common sense .
According to sources , several dunces in the grocery store were doing their part by wearing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ smell out the coronavirus .

VANCOUVER – Epidemiologists at BCCDC are warning the public that the second wave of fuckwittery will be worse than the first.
“We’re expecting many more cases of reckless dumbassery throughout the months of September until January which also coincides with regular dipshit season during Christmas shopping,” said Wendy Furlough, an epidemiologist. “We encourage everyone to hunker down and avoid close contact with dullards to prevent the spread of bullshit.”
Experts say putzes vandalizing cars with US license plates, pea-brained university students hosting parties, and self-centred assholes participating in anti-mask rallies are a clear indication that the next wave of fuckwits have arrived.
“Based on our current projections, the incidence rate of fuckwittery next month will be three times higher than six months ago,” said Furlough pointing to the highest point of the stooge curve. “That’s over 500,000 active doofuses at any given time.”
Equally concerning is the mutation of several brainless windbags who have gained a complete immunity to common sense.
According to sources, several dunces in the grocery store were doing their part by wearing masks below their noses so they can smell out the coronavirus.


thebeaverton--2020-09-12--“I’m chill about menstruation,” boasts man who has obviously never heard of chunky days

WINDSOR , ON – Yesterday , 35 year-old software developer Daniel Moore was overheard bragging to female friends that he was “ totally cool with periods , ” a phrase that very clearly revealed the fact that he was completely unaware of what women casually refer to as “ chunky days.
” “ Yeah , I ’ m pretty woke about the whole thing , ” he said nonchalantly .
“ I just don ’ t see what the big deal is .
Periods are , what , three days of a little blood ?
All I have to do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ resist the urge to call her angry .
I don ’ t get why dudes make such a fuss about it .
Guess I ’ m just more evolved.
” Moore ’ s partner Lena patiently explained that , unbeknownst to him , she kept Daniel on a strict need-to-know basis , explaining that , “ What he doesn ’ t know could actually kill him.
” “ Oh , he definitely thinks he ’ s comfortable about what over half the population goes through on a monthly basis , ” she said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ because he ’ s never heard of things like clotting and sneeze gushes .
I once tried to explain period shits to him and he blacked out and completely forgot we had had the conversation .
I just didn ’ t have the heart to bring it up again.
” “ He really does try , ” she continued .
“ I mean , at least he doesn ’ t refer to periods as my ‘ moon time ’ anymore , like I ’ m some kind of werewolf .
We ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to be able to introduce him to my period underwear by the time I hit menopause.
” Gynecologist Dr. Eliza Chalmers stated that many men such as Moore subconsciously convince themselves that being able to say the word “ periods ” without experiencing full-body convulsions means that their understanding of the subject is complete .
“ In Daniel ’ s case , when he says ‘ woke ’ , I hear ‘ I have no idea my girlfriend sometimes stands in the shower and pretends that she ’ s bathing in the blood @ @ @ @ @ @ @ calmly pointed out .
“ The way I see it , he ’ ll either figure it out on his own , or eventually learn about toxic shock syndrome and be so traumatized that he ’ ll never falsely brag about it again.
” Moore was last seen trapped in the feminine hygiene aisle of his local Shoppers Drug Mart , paralyzed with fear that if he bought the wrong size of tampons , his girlfriend ’ s vagina would implode .

WINDSOR, ON – Yesterday, 35 year-old software developer Daniel Moore was overheard bragging to female friends that he was “totally cool with periods,” a phrase that very clearly revealed the fact that he was completely unaware of what women casually refer to as “chunky days.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty woke about the whole thing,” he said nonchalantly. “I just don’t see what the big deal is. Periods are, what, three days of a little blood? All I have to do is throw chocolate at my girlfriend and resist the urge to call her angry. I don’t get why dudes make such a fuss about it. Guess I’m just more evolved.”
Moore’s partner Lena patiently explained that, unbeknownst to him, she kept Daniel on a strict need-to-know basis, explaining that, “What he doesn’t know could actually kill him.”
“Oh, he definitely thinks he’s comfortable about what over half the population goes through on a monthly basis,” she said. “But that’s mostly because he’s never heard of things like clotting and sneeze gushes. I once tried to explain period shits to him and he blacked out and completely forgot we had had the conversation. I just didn’t have the heart to bring it up again.”
“He really does try,” she continued. “I mean, at least he doesn’t refer to periods as my ‘moon time’ anymore, like I’m some kind of werewolf. We’re making progress. I’m hoping to be able to introduce him to my period underwear by the time I hit menopause.”
Gynecologist Dr. Eliza Chalmers stated that many men such as Moore subconsciously convince themselves that being able to say the word “periods” without experiencing full-body convulsions means that their understanding of the subject is complete.
“In Daniel’s case, when he says ‘woke’, I hear ‘I have no idea my girlfriend sometimes stands in the shower and pretends that she’s bathing in the blood of her defeated foes,’ Chalmers calmly pointed out. “The way I see it, he’ll either figure it out on his own, or eventually learn about toxic shock syndrome and be so traumatized that he’ll never falsely brag about it again.”
Moore was last seen trapped in the feminine hygiene aisle of his local Shoppers Drug Mart, paralyzed with fear that if he bought the wrong size of tampons, his girlfriend’s vagina would implode.


thebeaverton--2020-09-13--Local father relies on tattoo to remind himself of children’s names

CALGARY , AB – Local resident , George Bronson , recently got a large chest tattoo to commemorate his beautiful children , which will also serve as a daily reminder of whatever-the-hell their names are .
“ Being a father is the most important part of my identity .
I would literally do anything for Sammy and uh… .
Julia , ” explained Bronson , while referencing the slightly-distorted portraits of his children with their names etched across his hairy chest .
“ I just have trouble keeping track of them at times , y ’ know ?
” The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when he picked up the wrong child from daycare last month .
According to multiple sources , staff asked if he was there to pick up “ Sarah ” to which he replied , “ Um , yes ?
I think so… that sounds about right , ” despite his daughter being named Samantha .
Bronson , who has a grand total of two children , cites both of them having female names as the main reason for his forgetfulness .
“ Do you know how hard it is to remember two completely @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kids , I ’ m no SuperDad !
” he expressed .
Bronson ’ s solution to this problem was to get his daughters ’ names tattooed upside-down right next to their portraits .
“ It really helps so I can read it in a pinch , ” he stated .
According to the Canadian National Tattoo Artists Association ( CNTAA ) , tattoos of children ’ s names were the most common tattoos sought out by married men in 2019 , right after Drake lyrics , “ Raptors 2019 , ” and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ( 155°F ) .
A statistic which demonstrates that a father ’ s love certainly has no limitations , apart from remembering specifics like basic personal info , of course .
At press time , Bronson is currently getting Samantha and Julia ’ s life-threatening allergies added to the tattoo , just in case he ever needs that information .

CALGARY, AB – Local resident, George Bronson, recently got a large chest tattoo to commemorate his beautiful children, which will also serve as a daily reminder of whatever-the-hell their names are.
“Being a father is the most important part of my identity. I would literally do anything for Sammy and uh…. Julia,” explained Bronson, while referencing the slightly-distorted portraits of his children with their names etched across his hairy chest. “I just have trouble keeping track of them at times, y’know?”
The idea to get a tattoo came about when he picked up the wrong child from daycare last month. According to multiple sources, staff asked if he was there to pick up “Sarah” to which he replied, “Um, yes? I think so… that sounds about right,” despite his daughter being named Samantha.
Bronson, who has a grand total of two children, cites both of them having female names as the main reason for his forgetfulness. “Do you know how hard it is to remember two completely different female names? I love my kids, I’m no SuperDad!” he expressed.
Bronson’s solution to this problem was to get his daughters’ names tattooed upside-down right next to their portraits. “It really helps so I can read it in a pinch,” he stated.
According to the Canadian National Tattoo Artists Association (CNTAA), tattoos of children’s names were the most common tattoos sought out by married men in 2019, right after Drake lyrics, “Raptors 2019,” and the perfect temperature to cook a steak (155°F). A statistic which demonstrates that a father’s love certainly has no limitations, apart from remembering specifics like basic personal info, of course.
At press time, Bronson is currently getting Samantha and Julia’s life-threatening allergies added to the tattoo, just in case he ever needs that information.


thebeaverton--2020-09-13--Person you would never trust with a gun also a pro-gun advocate

OTTAWA – The person you would never trust owning and operating a gun is now calling for a complete end @ @ @ @ @ .
Using social media , the guy you knew from high school has posted several @ @ @ @ @ weapons should be allowed including deterring globalists and any government that wants to take them @ @ @ @ @ launched a campaign trying to persuade others that the “ gun nuts ” like him @ @ @ @ @ wear bulletproof vests and keep a stockpile of weapons in the event of a civil @ @ @ @ @ Trevor ?
Yeah , that guy was kind of scary , ” said an acquaintance @ @ @ @ @ kind of disturbing .
“ Like , he was always angry at something.
” The @ @ @ @ @ t trust operating a car let alone a firearm has long advocated for a Canadian-style @ @ @ @ @ wouldn ’ t want to be his family member that he mistakes for an intruder @ @ @ @ @ his colleagues .

OTTAWA – The person you would never trust owning and operating a gun is now calling for a complete end to restrictions on assault weapons.
Using social media, the guy you knew from high school has posted several explanations on why automatic assault weapons should be allowed including deterring globalists and any government that wants to take them away.
The activist has launched a campaign trying to persuade others that the “gun nuts” like him are just ordinary people who wear bulletproof vests and keep a stockpile of weapons in the event of a civil war.
“You mean Trevor? Yeah, that guy was kind of scary,” said an acquaintance who always found his views kind of disturbing. “Like, he was always angry at something.”
The individual that you wouldn’t trust operating a car let alone a firearm has long advocated for a Canadian-style Second Amendment.
“I wouldn’t want to be his family member that he mistakes for an intruder,” said one of his colleagues.


thebeaverton--2020-09-14--J.K. Rowling’s new book imagines a fantasy world where she is right about trans people

EDINBURGH , UK – Author J.K. Rowling , who has previously dreamt up a world of wizards and magic in the Harry Potter series , has stretched the bounds of imagination in order to conjure up a new fantastical universe in which her toxic opinions on trans people have any basis in logic .
The novel in question , Troubled Blood , was written under her pen name Robert Galibraith and is 900 pages long due to the amount of rhetorical somersaults required to achieve the ambitious goal of depicting such an impossible setting .
“ I am not transphobic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ statement .
“ I just believe that it ’ s far too risky to give trans people rights , based on this story I made up about a man who dresses like a lady in order to kill people.
” Many ardent fans of the fantasy genre have struggled to wrap their heads around the plausibility of the concept for Rowling ’ s new book .
“ So wait , let me see if I can try and understand this , ” said reader Dylan Gerrett .
“ On the one side there @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is more likely to be the victims of murder than any other group , and on the other side there ’ s a billionaire author who is intentionally villainizing members of this at-risk group , and I ’ m supposed to empathize with the billionaire ’ s point of view ?
” Rowling has pointed out that unlike one of her previous books that features a trans woman who attempts to commit murder , the villainous killer in Troubled Blood is not actually a trans woman , but rather a cis man who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of this , she explained , her intentional use of this fear mongering trope that has been used to demonise trans women for decades actually has nothing to do with trans issues .
Rowling went on to clarify that the greedy race that controls all the banks in the Harry Potter universe have hooked noses for no particular reason , and also that the slave race of house elves who like being slaves was a cool idea .
Rowling has announced that her next book will feature an even more unlikely fantasy premise @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of young people still look up to her .

EDINBURGH, UK – Author J.K. Rowling, who has previously dreamt up a world of wizards and magic in the Harry Potter series, has stretched the bounds of imagination in order to conjure up a new fantastical universe in which her toxic opinions on trans people have any basis in logic.
The novel in question, Troubled Blood, was written under her pen name Robert Galibraith and is 900 pages long due to the amount of rhetorical somersaults required to achieve the ambitious goal of depicting such an impossible setting.
“I am not transphobic whatsoever,” explained Rowling in a statement. “I just believe that it’s far too risky to give trans people rights, based on this story I made up about a man who dresses like a lady in order to kill people.”
Many ardent fans of the fantasy genre have struggled to wrap their heads around the plausibility of the concept for Rowling’s new book. “So wait, let me see if I can try and understand this,” said reader Dylan Gerrett. “On the one side there’s a historically marginalized group that is more likely to be the victims of murder than any other group, and on the other side there’s a billionaire author who is intentionally villainizing members of this at-risk group, and I’m supposed to empathize with the billionaire’s point of view?”
Rowling has pointed out that unlike one of her previous books that features a trans woman who attempts to commit murder, the villainous killer in Troubled Blood is not actually a trans woman, but rather a cis man who is dressed as a woman. Because of this, she explained, her intentional use of this fear mongering trope that has been used to demonise trans women for decades actually has nothing to do with trans issues.
Rowling went on to clarify that the greedy race that controls all the banks in the Harry Potter universe have hooked noses for no particular reason, and also that the slave race of house elves who like being slaves was a cool idea.
Rowling has announced that her next book will feature an even more unlikely fantasy premise: a world in which a generation of young people still look up to her.