thebeaverton--2020-05-26--Optimistic woman only burns June pages of 2020 planner

TORONTO – As provincial governments are taking slow and measured steps towards loosening social distancing regulations , 26 year-old Montana Tremeshko destroyed only the June pages of her 2020 agenda in an act of unwarranted optimism .
“ Sure , we ’ re getting hundreds of new cases everyday but I ’ m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel !
” said Tremeshko .
“ I am certain we ’ ll all be hanging in small cramped places with lots of strangers breathing on each other by next month !
I love moshing at concerts I get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Tremeshko is a kindergarten teacher at Stompin ’ Tom Connors Elementary School .
She is known for her quirky earrings , cheerful personality , and running the school ’ s production of Paddington Bear : The Musical .
However , what brings Tremeshko the most joy is her stationary supplies , most notably her Kate Spade planner , which is filled with stickers , graphs , and the apt quote “ Nevertheless , she persisted ” on the cover .
The burning of the June agenda pages happened on Tremeshko ’ s balcony @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of popsicle sticks and Saje Cedarwood essential oils .
Along with the agenda pages , Tremeshko also destroyed pictures of her ex and her T4s because according to her ‘ 2019 didn ’ t count.
’ In anticipation for what Tremeshko has dubbed “ Cancer szn , ” she has already scheduled the month with yoga classes , church services , and bi-weekly dentist appointments .
The young woman has also written all of her plans in permanent marker .
Friends of Tremeshko were concerned when she sent out multiple Google Calendar invites @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hosting .
She noted that they did need to RSVP as soon as possible because she could only fit about 70 people semi-comfortably in her studio apartment .
“ I ’ ve asked her to join our social Zoom calls multiple times !
” said friend Chelsea Virk .
“ But every time she refuses and she says ‘ If I can ’ t be there to kiss you on the mouth it ’ s not worth it !
’ ” Tremeshko is showing no signs of slowing down her plans .
Recently @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 2023 wedding to mid-August .

TORONTO – As provincial governments are taking slow and measured steps towards loosening social distancing regulations, 26 year-old Montana Tremeshko destroyed only the June pages of her 2020 agenda in an act of unwarranted optimism.
“Sure, we’re getting hundreds of new cases everyday but I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!” said Tremeshko. “I am certain we’ll all be hanging in small cramped places with lots of strangers breathing on each other by next month! I love moshing at concerts I get dragged to by my friends!”
Tremeshko is a kindergarten teacher at Stompin’ Tom Connors Elementary School. She is known for her quirky earrings, cheerful personality, and running the school’s production of Paddington Bear: The Musical. However, what brings Tremeshko the most joy is her stationary supplies, most notably her Kate Spade planner, which is filled with stickers, graphs, and the apt quote “Nevertheless, she persisted” on the cover.
The burning of the June agenda pages happened on Tremeshko’s balcony where she made a small fire out of popsicle sticks and Saje Cedarwood essential oils. Along with the agenda pages, Tremeshko also destroyed pictures of her ex and her T4s because according to her ‘2019 didn’t count.’
In anticipation for what Tremeshko has dubbed “Cancer szn,” she has already scheduled the month with yoga classes, church services, and bi-weekly dentist appointments. The young woman has also written all of her plans in permanent marker.
Friends of Tremeshko were concerned when she sent out multiple Google Calendar invites to a Canada Day party she was hosting. She noted that they did need to RSVP as soon as possible because she could only fit about 70 people semi-comfortably in her studio apartment.
“I’ve asked her to join our social Zoom calls multiple times!” said friend Chelsea Virk. “But every time she refuses and she says ‘If I can’t be there to kiss you on the mouth it’s not worth it!’”
Tremeshko is showing no signs of slowing down her plans. Recently she has been talking about moving her 2023 wedding to mid-August.


thebeaverton--2020-05-27--Canada’s newspapers now entirely owned by stock villains from children’s movies

TORONTO – With the sale of TorStar , the publishing company that owns the Toronto Star and dozens of other papers , to a pair of wealthy tycoons , the Canadian newspaper industry is now wholly in the hands of the villains of every kids movie .
“ It ’ s a shame , the Toronto Star was the last major newspaper in Canada that wasn ’ t owned by the kind of individual who is regularly thwarted in their attempts to close down a local teen center by a band of plucky camp counselors and their adorable dog , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Cartoonishly Evil Media Baron Studies at McGill University .
“ Sinister ownership of major newspapers has been a tradition in Canadian media going back to Conrad Black founding the National Post for the express purpose of doing a series of exposés on a young child whose chocolate ice cream cone Black unknowingly sat on , making it look like he shit his pants before an important business meeting.
” While it ’ s not yet certain that the new owners of TorStar will be using their powerful platform to advocate for making @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wealthy financiers with a history of donating heavily to conservative politicians including Maxime Bernier , whose attacks on teenage activist Greta Thunberg are legendary in the “ I ’ m an adult whose nemesis is a child ” community .
“ The best advice I can give to Canadians who are unsettled by the fact that virtually every newspaper in Canada is now owned by someone who has at one point in their life screamed ‘ BRING ME THAT SNOT-NOSED BRAT !
’ is to start supporting independent media organizations who are still @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said .
“ And if you ever see a furious man in a top hat and tails chasing a terrified school child through a crowded city street , please help the child get away by distracting the man with questions about why his papers don ’ t cover municipal politics anymore , they may not be glamorous but they are important.
” Note from The Beaverton Editorial Board : As this article shows , the fact that The Beaverton has recently been purchased by a local sea witch will not impact the nature @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will continue to hold the powerful accountable , including spoiled mermaids who think that just because they ’ re royalty , they are somehow above legally binding contracts .

TORONTO – With the sale of TorStar, the publishing company that owns the Toronto Star and dozens of other papers, to a pair of wealthy tycoons, the Canadian newspaper industry is now wholly in the hands of the villains of every kids movie.
“It’s a shame, the Toronto Star was the last major newspaper in Canada that wasn’t owned by the kind of individual who is regularly thwarted in their attempts to close down a local teen center by a band of plucky camp counselors and their adorable dog,” said Joyce Brendon, the head of Cartoonishly Evil Media Baron Studies at McGill University.
“Sinister ownership of major newspapers has been a tradition in Canadian media going back to Conrad Black founding the National Post for the express purpose of doing a series of exposés on a young child whose chocolate ice cream cone Black unknowingly sat on, making it look like he shit his pants before an important business meeting.”
While it’s not yet certain that the new owners of TorStar will be using their powerful platform to advocate for making coats out of puppies, they are wealthy financiers with a history of donating heavily to conservative politicians including Maxime Bernier, whose attacks on teenage activist Greta Thunberg are legendary in the “I’m an adult whose nemesis is a child” community.
“The best advice I can give to Canadians who are unsettled by the fact that virtually every newspaper in Canada is now owned by someone who has at one point in their life screamed ‘BRING ME THAT SNOT-NOSED BRAT!’ is to start supporting independent media organizations who are still doing hard-hitting investigative journalism,” Brendon said.
“And if you ever see a furious man in a top hat and tails chasing a terrified school child through a crowded city street, please help the child get away by distracting the man with questions about why his papers don’t cover municipal politics anymore, they may not be glamorous but they are important.”
Note from The Beaverton Editorial Board: As this article shows, the fact that The Beaverton has recently been purchased by a local sea witch will not impact the nature of the stories we publish. We will continue to hold the powerful accountable, including spoiled mermaids who think that just because they’re royalty, they are somehow above legally binding contracts.


thebeaverton--2020-05-27--Neat! This virtual museum tour lets you wait in line 3 hours to see the Mona Lisa!

Thanks to the fantastic new virtual tour offered by Paris ’ s Louvre Museum , art lovers from around the world can enjoy the authentic , once-in-a-lifetime experience of waiting a really long time in a throng of exhausted tourists to see the Mona Lisa .
Sign us up , please !
“ Visiting the Louvre is a unique joy for anyone wanting to learn more about art history and French culture , ” curator Rene Lomoque told reporters .
“ Now , guests can take a virtual tour that captures the real experience of a visit , from constant @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to people with selfie sticks so real-looking you ’ ll feel yourself involuntarily duck as you scroll through.
” The meticulously designed tour offers something for everyone .
For example , if you ’ re North American , it will give you the chance to watch other tourists demand to be spoken to in English in a way that embarrasses you even though it ’ s not your fault .
You can also attempt to speak to a museum employee using the few foreign-language words you learned specifically for this trip , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and shame when they immediately switch to English .
You ’ ll also learn that Da Vinci was Italian…maybe Spanish ?
Hayoo !
“ Our hope is that these virtual visits will be able to bring people together , ” Lomoque told reporters .
“ Which is why with our “ party ” feature , you can have all the joy of navigating a multi-level museum with your large family using a single map only one person is allowed to hold .
And , you can experience the pleasure of trying to find @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to your father-in-law and staring at a painting of a 17th-century orgy.
” For maximum realism , guests taking a tour are encouraged to wander around their homes without sitting down for longer than is comfortable because they chose to wear shoes that would “ make them look smart ” .
There ’ s even a feature where the one goddamn bench in the whole place will for sure be taken up by some random lady who honestly doesn ’ t even look that tired .
Got your tickets yet ?
!
Well @ @ @ @ @ @ @ includes educational activities for youngsters ages 3-12 to be a good sport and pretend to like for up to 2 minutes before they beg you to take them to someplace that has a slide .
Win win !

Thanks to the fantastic new virtual tour offered by Paris’s Louvre Museum, art lovers from around the world can enjoy the authentic, once-in-a-lifetime experience of waiting a really long time in a throng of exhausted tourists to see the Mona Lisa. Sign us up, please!
“Visiting the Louvre is a unique joy for anyone wanting to learn more about art history and French culture,” curator Rene Lomoque told reporters. “Now, guests can take a virtual tour that captures the real experience of a visit, from constant crowd noise that cannot be muted to people with selfie sticks so real-looking you’ll feel yourself involuntarily duck as you scroll through.”
The meticulously designed tour offers something for everyone. For example, if you’re North American, it will give you the chance to watch other tourists demand to be spoken to in English in a way that embarrasses you even though it’s not your fault. You can also attempt to speak to a museum employee using the few foreign-language words you learned specifically for this trip, and then feel potent a mix of gratitude and shame when they immediately switch to English. You’ll also learn that Da Vinci was Italian…maybe Spanish? Hayoo!
“Our hope is that these virtual visits will be able to bring people together,” Lomoque told reporters. “Which is why with our “party” feature, you can have all the joy of navigating a multi-level museum with your large family using a single map only one person is allowed to hold. And, you can experience the pleasure of trying to find polite things to say while standing next to your father-in-law and staring at a painting of a 17th-century orgy.”
For maximum realism, guests taking a tour are encouraged to wander around their homes without sitting down for longer than is comfortable because they chose to wear shoes that would “make them look smart”. There’s even a feature where the one goddamn bench in the whole place will for sure be taken up by some random lady who honestly doesn’t even look that tired.
Got your tickets yet?! Well one more thing, the virtual tour includes educational activities for youngsters ages 3-12 to be a good sport and pretend to like for up to 2 minutes before they beg you to take them to someplace that has a slide. Win win!


thebeaverton--2020-05-27--Every living premier in Ontario blames long-term care facilities problems on their predecessor

TORONTO – In the wake of the Canadian Military ’ s truly disturbing report about conditions in Ontario ’ s long-term care facilities , every Premier and former Premier has found and blamed the person responsible : their immediate predecessor .
“ The reports of systemic underfunding , overworked staff and the abuse of elderly patients in our long term care facility are deeply troubling .
While I wish my government had done more , the fact is these problems were started by the underfunding and woeful management of the government that came before me , ” said all 8 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Wynee/Dalton McGuinty/Ernie Eves/Mike Harris/Bob Rae/David Peterson/Bill Davis/John Robarts had done the right thing , none of this would have happened , ” they added .
The process started when reporters asked Doug Ford about the accusations .
He quickly pointed the finger at Wynne , who immediately jogged by and told everyone it was McGuinty , who stopped cancelling gas plants long enough to say it was Eves , who told his grandkids to tweet that it was Harris , who immediately put down the stacks of money he is making off of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who phoned in from Myanmar to blame Peterson , who did whatever David Peterson is known for to blame Davis , who immediately came out of his cottage in his pajamas to blame Robarts , who is dead .
“ What ’ s a long-term care facility ?
” asked the confused ghost of John Robarts .
“ Are people living past the age of 55 , or something ?
” Political observers are optimistic about this recent multi-Premier development .
“ Obviously this situation is tragic but there is a bright spot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ We have finally found an issue on which political parties of all stripes can agree on : treating senior citizens like shit.
” The 8 living Premiers then added that they didn ’ t understand why the current government had not addressed the situation , and they were really to blame .
At which point Doug Ford looked around for a beat and then muttered “ oh , shit .
”

TORONTO – In the wake of the Canadian Military’s truly disturbing report about conditions in Ontario’s long-term care facilities, every Premier and former Premier has found and blamed the person responsible: their immediate predecessor.
“The reports of systemic underfunding, overworked staff and the abuse of elderly patients in our long term care facility are deeply troubling. While I wish my government had done more, the fact is these problems were started by the underfunding and woeful management of the government that came before me,” said all 8 living Premiers.
“If only Kathleen Wynee/Dalton McGuinty/Ernie Eves/Mike Harris/Bob Rae/David Peterson/Bill Davis/John Robarts had done the right thing, none of this would have happened,” they added.
The process started when reporters asked Doug Ford about the accusations. He quickly pointed the finger at Wynne, who immediately jogged by and told everyone it was McGuinty, who stopped cancelling gas plants long enough to say it was Eves, who told his grandkids to tweet that it was Harris, who immediately put down the stacks of money he is making off of long-term care facilities to blame Rae, who phoned in from Myanmar to blame Peterson, who did whatever David Peterson is known for to blame Davis, who immediately came out of his cottage in his pajamas to blame Robarts, who is dead.
“What’s a long-term care facility?” asked the confused ghost of John Robarts. “Are people living past the age of 55, or something?”
Political observers are optimistic about this recent multi-Premier development. “Obviously this situation is tragic but there is a bright spot,” said political scientist Mary Cartwright. “We have finally found an issue on which political parties of all stripes can agree on: treating senior citizens like shit.”
The 8 living Premiers then added that they didn’t understand why the current government had not addressed the situation, and they were really to blame. At which point Doug Ford looked around for a beat and then muttered “oh, shit.”


thebeaverton--2020-05-28--Police seek public’s help identifying looters

American authorities are asking for the public ’ s help in a nationwide manhunt for two men caught on camera looting during a time of emergency .
Witnesses say the men pictured took advantage of a human rights crisis to incite a riot in their local community , during which they smashed windows of opportunity , stole television stations , and set fire to the hopes and dreams of millions .
All told , police estimate the men escaped with more than $ 50 billion in human capacity during the brazen smash-and-grab robbery in broad daylight .
The theft was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ billion looted by a larger criminal network of billionaire thugs over the past two months .
Both men are described as white , between 15 and 80 years old , with the cold , dead eyes of successful capitalists .
If captured , the duo could face penalties of up to two days of lucrative public shaming on the social media platforms they profit from .
Officials ask anyone spotting these fugitives to contact the nearest law enforcement agency not currently engaged in the destruction of civil liberties .
The public has been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as they are armed with the capacity to destroy the fabric of society .

American authorities are asking for the public’s help in a nationwide manhunt for two men caught on camera looting during a time of emergency.
Witnesses say the men pictured took advantage of a human rights crisis to incite a riot in their local community, during which they smashed windows of opportunity, stole television stations, and set fire to the hopes and dreams of millions.
All told, police estimate the men escaped with more than $50 billion in human capacity during the brazen smash-and-grab robbery in broad daylight. The theft was part of a total of $434 billion looted by a larger criminal network of billionaire thugs over the past two months.
Both men are described as white, between 15 and 80 years old, with the cold, dead eyes of successful capitalists. If captured, the duo could face penalties of up to two days of lucrative public shaming on the social media platforms they profit from.
Officials ask anyone spotting these fugitives to contact the nearest law enforcement agency not currently engaged in the destruction of civil liberties. The public has been warned not to confront them directly, as they are armed with the capacity to destroy the fabric of society.


thebeaverton--2020-05-28--Brave! Instead of feeling bad about getting older, this 50-something constantly shits on young peopl

Brave! Instead of feeling bad about getting older, this 50-something constantly shits on young people

As we get older and come to accept the limitations time eventually places on each of us , it can be tempting to become sad or even fatalistic about life .
But some of us face the challenges of aging with grace and wisdom , like 57-year-old Linda Fermin , who , rather than get down on herself about her laugh lines and well-worn stories , constantly runs down every person younger than her in every way she can possibly think of .
“ Getting older is something that happens to all of us , ” Linda–who greets every morning @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an interview .
“ So don ’ t let yourself get too wrapped up in things that don ’ t matter , unlike my neighbour ’ s daughter , Kayla .
What a waste of a college degree.
” “ Honestly , if every single young person I ever meet weren ’ t truly the dumbest and lowest piece of dirt on earth , I would really feel bad about getting this close to 60.
” Like many seniors , Linda has faced more than a few challenges along her aging journey .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ gave her the wisdom to see that there ’ s no point in wasting time pleasing anyone but yourself , which is why it ’ s so unfortunate that all these young girls think they have to show their midriffs in order to get a man to pay attention to them .
Indeed , as we get older , while some of us realize that we have less time , we can also come to realize that we ’ ve probably spent it better than all these frivolous little idiots who honestly think @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their Sundays .
“ When I was growing up , it was a lot fewer mimosas and a lot more prayer , that ’ s all I ’ m saying ” Fermin says .
“ Not that anybody knows how to make a decent mimosa anymore .
What , you ’ re too good for pulp now you can buy OJ without pulp , missy ?
” When constantly shitting on young people , it ’ s important to note that it ’ s not just young women who are completely useless unless @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of coffee .
Aging gracefully means accepting the world as it is , not as it should be , and allowing ourselves to remember that even if Aslynn from reception had enough sense to get married rather than spending all her time in damn Sephora , there probably wouldn ’ t be a man worth a second look on her side of 40 .
“ Don ’ t get me started on my son ’ s friend ‘ Ted ’ , or whatever he calls himself ” , Linda pointed out during a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ boy offers to come over and “ re-do my internet so it ’ s faster ” one more time , I ’ m going to knock him six ways to Sunday , ” she said while leaning into a tai chi pose .
“ Ah , that feels great.
” In sum , while getting older is hard for all of us , we can make it easier if we take time to live intentionally , smell the roses , and remind ourselves that everyone with more life ahead of them than us @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like riding a bicycle right in the middle of the goddamn street .

As we get older and come to accept the limitations time eventually places on each of us, it can be tempting to become sad or even fatalistic about life. But some of us face the challenges of aging with grace and wisdom, like 57-year-old Linda Fermin, who, rather than get down on herself about her laugh lines and well-worn stories, constantly runs down every person younger than her in every way she can possibly think of.
“Getting older is something that happens to all of us,” Linda–who greets every morning with meditation and a brisk walk–said in an interview. “So don’t let yourself get too wrapped up in things that don’t matter, unlike my neighbour’s daughter, Kayla. What a waste of a college degree.”
“Honestly, if every single young person I ever meet weren’t truly the dumbest and lowest piece of dirt on earth, I would really feel bad about getting this close to 60.”
Like many seniors, Linda has faced more than a few challenges along her aging journey. However, for her, getting older gave her the wisdom to see that there’s no point in wasting time pleasing anyone but yourself, which is why it’s so unfortunate that all these young girls think they have to show their midriffs in order to get a man to pay attention to them.
Indeed, as we get older, while some of us realize that we have less time, we can also come to realize that we’ve probably spent it better than all these frivolous little idiots who honestly think that brunch is a good use of their Sundays.
“When I was growing up, it was a lot fewer mimosas and a lot more prayer, that’s all I’m saying” Fermin says. “Not that anybody knows how to make a decent mimosa anymore. What, you’re too good for pulp now you can buy OJ without pulp, missy?”
When constantly shitting on young people, it’s important to note that it’s not just young women who are completely useless unless they’re bringing you a cup of coffee. Aging gracefully means accepting the world as it is, not as it should be, and allowing ourselves to remember that even if Aslynn from reception had enough sense to get married rather than spending all her time in damn Sephora, there probably wouldn’t be a man worth a second look on her side of 40.
“Don’t get me started on my son’s friend ‘Ted’, or whatever he calls himself”, Linda pointed out during a morning gratitude walk. “If that boy offers to come over and “re-do my internet so it’s faster” one more time, I’m going to knock him six ways to Sunday,” she said while leaning into a tai chi pose. “Ah, that feels great.”
In sum, while getting older is hard for all of us, we can make it easier if we take time to live intentionally, smell the roses, and remind ourselves that everyone with more life ahead of them than us will undoubtedly squander it doing something stupid like riding a bicycle right in the middle of the goddamn street.


thebeaverton--2020-05-28--Man secretly happy co-worker who scored Hamilton tickets can’t use them

TORONTO – As theatres across Ontario remain closed , local man , Julian Yoon , is secretly ecstatic his co-worker is unable to use his Hamilton tickets .
“ I remember the day , he ( smugly ) posted to our office Slack channel that he snagged two orchestra seats .
Now look – he can ’ t use them !
” , cackled Yoon while cracking open a bottle of Armand de Brignac champagne .
“ Who is the bastard , orphan son of a whore now !
?
” In a report released by Mirvish , when the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ released , approximately 31,000 people were stuck in a digital queue , including Yoon .
“ All I could get were tickets to Shen Yun and no one wants to see that… ” John Huntley , holder of the coveted Hamilton tickets , revealed that he was just lucky and is a little disappointed the season has been postponed , but understands the reasoning .
Meanwhile , Yoon continued to celebrate even though , due to COVID-19 restrictions , he is unable to use his Jays tickets , is missing his mother ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ temporarily laid off .
“ At first , I thought it was the Vancouver Olympics all over again , ” said Yoon , referring to the historic gold medal game between USA and Canada .
“ John was the only one in the office to get tickets and then , for an entire month after , he wouldn ’ t stop talking about the once-in-a-lifetime experience of being in that stadium when Sidney Crosby scored .
Now , I can ’ t wait to see the Instagram of him holding up the playbill @ @ @ @ @ @ @ HE CAN ’ T !
!
” Yoon later admitted that the reason he claps at 7:30pm is not for the front line workers , but for the fact that John can ’ t use his Hamilton tickets .
“ Especially now with the original cast recording of Hamilton coming to Disney+ , I ’ ll no longer be culturally inferior to John !
” Huntley then revealed that he had been planning on surprising Yoon and bringing him to the show .

TORONTO – As theatres across Ontario remain closed, local man, Julian Yoon, is secretly ecstatic his co-worker is unable to use his Hamilton tickets.
“I remember the day, he (smugly) posted to our office Slack channel that he snagged two orchestra seats. Now look – he can’t use them!”, cackled Yoon while cracking open a bottle of Armand de Brignac champagne. “Who is the bastard, orphan son of a whore now!?”
In a report released by Mirvish, when the tickets for the must-see musical were first released, approximately 31,000 people were stuck in a digital queue, including Yoon. “All I could get were tickets to Shen Yun and no one wants to see that…”
John Huntley, holder of the coveted Hamilton tickets, revealed that he was just lucky and is a little disappointed the season has been postponed, but understands the reasoning. Meanwhile, Yoon continued to celebrate even though, due to COVID-19 restrictions, he is unable to use his Jays tickets, is missing his mother’s 80th birthday, and has been temporarily laid off.
“At first, I thought it was the Vancouver Olympics all over again,” said Yoon, referring to the historic gold medal game between USA and Canada. “John was the only one in the office to get tickets and then, for an entire month after, he wouldn’t stop talking about the once-in-a-lifetime experience of being in that stadium when Sidney Crosby scored. Now, I can’t wait to see the Instagram of him holding up the playbill during the pre-show — OH WAIT! HE CAN’T!!”
Yoon later admitted that the reason he claps at 7:30pm is not for the front line workers, but for the fact that John can’t use his Hamilton tickets. “Especially now with the original cast recording of Hamilton coming to Disney+, I’ll no longer be culturally inferior to John!”
Huntley then revealed that he had been planning on surprising Yoon and bringing him to the show.


thebeaverton--2020-05-29--Star Wars super fan’s least favourite franchise probably Star Wars

PARENT ’ S BASEMENT , AB – Local Star Wars fanatic Jake Martin has come to the conclusion that Star Wars is the best franchise he has ever hated with all his heart .
“ By far the greatest series of all time to suck balls is Star Wars , ” commented Jake Martin on a youtube trailer for The Rise of Skywalker after seeing the film in theatres .
“ Seeing the end of another saga brought genuine tears of joy while making me hate myself .
The blame rests on all the amazing , shitty actors who were @ @ @ @ @ @ @ forgettable film that I will never stop talking about for the rest of my life.
” Martin could only name one of the seventeen entries in Star Wars media that he actually liked , but made it clear that he didn ’ t like the special editions that tried to fix the visual effects or the original that had bad visual effects .
“ Worst of all though has got to be the prequels .
I went to the theatres at least thirty times so I could catalogue exactly what I hated about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feeling the same way as Jake toward the franchise , stating they would never stop throwing money in the direction of the series which had “ ruined their lives.
” One fan of the series entered a toy store and began screaming about how shitty the new lead character Rey is while picking up a Rey Skywalker action figure , browsing for any other accessories the toy might use , and purchasing it .
“ Trust me , no one hates Ewoks more than me ” said Ernst Fillinger , another proclaimed Star @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to remove the Ewok ’ s song from the original film for the DVD release is blasphemy !
You can ’ t have Star Wars without the Ewok ’ s song , it ’ s the single most well-known part of the original trilogy !
” Many angry fans have reported subscribing to Disney+ just for the chance to stream Star Wars films all day .
Disney reports that despite the incredibly negative reviews , the biggest feedback they receive from the streaming service is “ more Star Wars for the love of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ am so excited for the second season of the Mandalorian to see if they fixed all the things I tweeted about hating in the first season !
”

PARENT’S BASEMENT, AB – Local Star Wars fanatic Jake Martin has come to the conclusion that Star Wars is the best franchise he has ever hated with all his heart.
“By far the greatest series of all time to suck balls is Star Wars,” commented Jake Martin on a youtube trailer for The Rise of Skywalker after seeing the film in theatres. “Seeing the end of another saga brought genuine tears of joy while making me hate myself. The blame rests on all the amazing, shitty actors who were a part of it. Definitely a forgettable film that I will never stop talking about for the rest of my life.”
Martin could only name one of the seventeen entries in Star Wars media that he actually liked, but made it clear that he didn’t like the special editions that tried to fix the visual effects or the original that had bad visual effects.
“Worst of all though has got to be the prequels. I went to the theatres at least thirty times so I could catalogue exactly what I hated about each of them.”
Many fans report feeling the same way as Jake toward the franchise, stating they would never stop throwing money in the direction of the series which had “ruined their lives.” One fan of the series entered a toy store and began screaming about how shitty the new lead character Rey is while picking up a Rey Skywalker action figure, browsing for any other accessories the toy might use, and purchasing it.
“Trust me, no one hates Ewoks more than me” said Ernst Fillinger, another proclaimed Star Wars fan. “But the gall to remove the Ewok’s song from the original film for the DVD release is blasphemy! You can’t have Star Wars without the Ewok’s song, it’s the single most well-known part of the original trilogy!”
Many angry fans have reported subscribing to Disney+ just for the chance to stream Star Wars films all day. Disney reports that despite the incredibly negative reviews, the biggest feedback they receive from the streaming service is “more Star Wars for the love of god more Star Wars.”
“I am so excited for the second season of the Mandalorian to see if they fixed all the things I tweeted about hating in the first season!”


thebeaverton--2020-05-29--Update: More murder hornets imprisoned this year than killer cops

NORTH AMERICA – New research shows that the number of police officers that are apprehended and brought to justice for incidents of police brutality against black people remain criminally low compared to the record-high seizure of murder hornets .
Following the death of George Floyd at the hands of Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin , mass protests have erupted in cities across the United States .
Protestors are frustrated with a legal system that actively protects law enforcement from being prosecuted for killing unarmed civilians .
At the same time , many concerned Caucasians are fed up with a scientific @ @ @ @ @ @ @ threat of the murder hornets .
As a result , numerous murder hornets have been detained this year at the hands of vigilant citizens , which is more than can be said than that of police officers convicted for murdering innocent black people .
Though the subset of wasps may attack fewer than a dozen people a year , the threat they pose to white people is staggering since they do not discriminate based on race , unlike officers of the law .
“ Whereas getting shot by the police is still the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ men in the United States , statistically white people are more likely to be killed by a murder hornet than an officer of the law , ” said Carole Hammkin , a segment producer at CNN .
“ And our advertisers want to sell to an affluent white demographic that ’ s more concerned about a vague insect threat than dwell on the complicated work of empathizing with the lived experience of black people.
” “ Remember the African killer bees in the 70s ?
Well , we ’ ve essentially rebooted the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time with Asian giant hornets .
It really helps to pinpoint a country of origin outside North America to inspire xenophobia , and take focus away from systemic violence within law enforcement .
It ’ s great for ratings.
” Meanwhile , Canadian media corporations promise that once they obtain video evidence of police involvement in the recent death of Regis Korchinski-Paquet , they will exploit it to the best of their sensationalizing abilities while ignoring the underlying issue .

NORTH AMERICA – New research shows that the number of police officers that are apprehended and brought to justice for incidents of police brutality against black people remain criminally low compared to the record-high seizure of murder hornets.
Following the death of George Floyd at the hands of Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin, mass protests have erupted in cities across the United States. Protestors are frustrated with a legal system that actively protects law enforcement from being prosecuted for killing unarmed civilians.
At the same time, many concerned Caucasians are fed up with a scientific community that has remained complacent over the threat of the murder hornets. As a result, numerous murder hornets have been detained this year at the hands of vigilant citizens, which is more than can be said than that of police officers convicted for murdering innocent black people.
Though the subset of wasps may attack fewer than a dozen people a year, the threat they pose to white people is staggering since they do not discriminate based on race, unlike officers of the law.
“Whereas getting shot by the police is still the leading cause of death among young black men in the United States, statistically white people are more likely to be killed by a murder hornet than an officer of the law,” said Carole Hammkin, a segment producer at CNN. “And our advertisers want to sell to an affluent white demographic that’s more concerned about a vague insect threat than dwell on the complicated work of empathizing with the lived experience of black people.”
“Remember the African killer bees in the 70s? Well, we’ve essentially rebooted the public scare around them, but this time with Asian giant hornets. It really helps to pinpoint a country of origin outside North America to inspire xenophobia, and take focus away from systemic violence within law enforcement. It’s great for ratings.”
Meanwhile, Canadian media corporations promise that once they obtain video evidence of police involvement in the recent death of Regis Korchinski-Paquet, they will exploit it to the best of their sensationalizing abilities while ignoring the underlying issue.


thebeaverton--2020-05-29--Ancient Canadian curse requires that there must be an Anne of Green Gables remake every five years o

Ancient Canadian curse requires that there must be an Anne of Green Gables remake every five years or else

AVONLEA – An ancient Canadian curse has been discovered on the original manuscript of Anne of Green Gables , demanding the book be adapted every five years , or else .
The curse was first discovered at the former home-turned-museum of Lucy Maud Montgomery , the author of the famed series , after a guest spilled a raspberry cordial taster on the manuscript .
It reads : Once this work enters public domain , An ancient curse you must contain , Adapt this story every five years , Or Anne ’ s hair will run red , with the blood @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Toronto professor and expert in Canadian curses , Dr. Doyle Garth urges Canadians to take the threat seriously .
“ Do you remember the giant sinkhole that swallowed up all of Eastern Canada ?
No !
Exactly .
Because that was the year Anne With An E AND L.M .
Montgomery ’ s Anne of Green Gables were ordered to series.
” Dr. Garth went on to explain that many executives knew about the Anne of Green Gables curse , hence the plethora of plays , radio dramas , miniseries , films @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
However , now that the curse is public , he warns Canadian producers to heed Ms. Montgomery ’ s warning or be faced with plagues , pestilence , or even more seasons of Heartland .
Producers across Canada have reportedly gathered for an emergency meeting to address the curse .
“ Every five years , one of us , a Canadian producer – for tax incentive purposes – will step forward and adapt the text , ” announced producer Mary Dunn , in a press conference .
“ Anne Nation – I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Dunn , addressing the self-identified , super fans of Anne With an E who are passionately protesting the show ’ s recent cancellation .
“ You can put down your pitchforks and cease bombarding networks with emails to renew the show .
A grittier remake of the gritty remake is already in the works !
” Without providing too much detail , Dunn revealed that in the next iteration , Mathew Cuthbert ’ s death will be even more tragic , especially because she plans on diving deep into the relationship between the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ live together on an isolated farm , away from prying eyes .
” If you liked the Cersei and Jamie dynamic in Game of Thrones , you ’ re going to LOVE this… ” Dunn ended the press conference by stating that an Anne of Green Gables remake will always hold precedence over any original content .
“ Like the avatar , we will maintain the balance of our industry and uphold the four pillars of Canadian Television – Anne of Green Gables , rural-based comedies , procedurals starring brooding straight men , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ As Murdoch Mysteries enters it ’ s fourteenth season , Canadians begin to wonder where the fuck the horcruxes are hidden .

AVONLEA – An ancient Canadian curse has been discovered on the original manuscript of Anne of Green Gables, demanding the book be adapted every five years, or else.
The curse was first discovered at the former home-turned-museum of Lucy Maud Montgomery, the author of the famed series, after a guest spilled a raspberry cordial taster on the manuscript. It reads:
Once this work enters public domain,
An ancient curse you must contain,
Adapt this story every five years,
Or Anne’s hair will run red, with the blood of your tears.
According to University of Toronto professor and expert in Canadian curses, Dr. Doyle Garth urges Canadians to take the threat seriously. “Do you remember the giant sinkhole that swallowed up all of Eastern Canada? No! Exactly. Because that was the year Anne With An E AND L.M. Montgomery’s Anne of Green Gables were ordered to series.”
Dr. Garth went on to explain that many executives knew about the Anne of Green Gables curse, hence the plethora of plays, radio dramas, miniseries, films and tv series over the last century. However, now that the curse is public, he warns Canadian producers to heed Ms. Montgomery’s warning or be faced with plagues, pestilence, or even more seasons of Heartland.
Producers across Canada have reportedly gathered for an emergency meeting to address the curse.
“Every five years, one of us, a Canadian producer – for tax incentive purposes – will step forward and adapt the text,” announced producer Mary Dunn, in a press conference. “Anne Nation – I now speak directly to you” shifted Dunn, addressing the self-identified, super fans of Anne With an E who are passionately protesting the show’s recent cancellation. “You can put down your pitchforks and cease bombarding networks with emails to renew the show. A grittier remake of the gritty remake is already in the works!”
Without providing too much detail, Dunn revealed that in the next iteration, Mathew Cuthbert’s death will be even more tragic, especially because she plans on diving deep into the relationship between the brother and sister that adopt Anne and live together on an isolated farm, away from prying eyes. ”If you liked the Cersei and Jamie dynamic in Game of Thrones, you’re going to LOVE this…”
Dunn ended the press conference by stating that an Anne of Green Gables remake will always hold precedence over any original content. “Like the avatar, we will maintain the balance of our industry and uphold the four pillars of Canadian Television – Anne of Green Gables, rural-based comedies, procedurals starring brooding straight men, and remakes of international television shows.”
As Murdoch Mysteries enters it’s fourteenth season, Canadians begin to wonder where the fuck the horcruxes are hidden.


thebeaverton--2020-05-30--“No Makeup” makeup look now just no makeup

NEW YORK – The makeup world is buzzing as beauty bloggers everywhere have revealed that the new way to achieve the perfect “ no makeup ” makeup look is to not put on any in the first place .
“ We want zits !
We want fine lines !
Keep that skin bare and serve those imperfections !
!
” makeup guru September Montenegro said in a recent Youtube video .
“ Grow out that moustache , keep that unibrow snatched , burn it ALL to the GROUND because society ’ s beauty standards are UNATTAINABLE.
” The “ no @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the trend of “ going outside ” fell out of fashion .
Since then it has evolved into the trend of hyper-realism in the cosmetics industry .
Imperfections are encouraged , and companies are releasing stick-on pimples , scars , and ingrown hairs to add just the right amount of a flaw to one ’ s face .
In order to achieve the “ No Make-up ” make-up look , artists formerly known as make-up artists are advising just washing your face daily and having a good moisturizer with SPF , and maybe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lunch on your face if it ’ s a special occasion .
“ Food on your face is the new red lip .
The whole point is to be as natural as possible , ” says Montenegro .
“ Other ways to achieve this are by letting the tears dry on your face after a good cry , picking at your skin , and getting a sexy , sunken dark eye look by not sleeping .
And in a fun remix of the 2007 trend , the bigger the [ eye ] bags @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on natural beauty continues to take over the industry , even makeup mogul Kylie Jenner is rumoured to be developing a product that imitates the look of deflated facial fillers .

NEW YORK – The makeup world is buzzing as beauty bloggers everywhere have revealed that the new way to achieve the perfect “no makeup” makeup look is to not put on any in the first place.
“We want zits! We want fine lines! Keep that skin bare and serve those imperfections!!” makeup guru September Montenegro said in a recent Youtube video. “Grow out that moustache, keep that unibrow snatched, burn it ALL to the GROUND because society’s beauty standards are UNATTAINABLE.”
The “no makeup-makeup” trend first became popular after the trend of “going outside” fell out of fashion. Since then it has evolved into the trend of hyper-realism in the cosmetics industry. Imperfections are encouraged, and companies are releasing stick-on pimples, scars, and ingrown hairs to add just the right amount of a flaw to one’s face.
In order to achieve the “No Make-up” make-up look, artists formerly known as make-up artists are advising just washing your face daily and having a good moisturizer with SPF, and maybe leaving a smear of tzatziki sauce from lunch on your face if it’s a special occasion.
“Food on your face is the new red lip. The whole point is to be as natural as possible,” says Montenegro. “Other ways to achieve this are by letting the tears dry on your face after a good cry, picking at your skin, and getting a sexy, sunken dark eye look by not sleeping. And in a fun remix of the 2007 trend, the bigger the [eye] bags, the better.”
As the focus on natural beauty continues to take over the industry, even makeup mogul Kylie Jenner is rumoured to be developing a product that imitates the look of deflated facial fillers.


thebeaverton--2020-05-30--Humanity at point where it’s honestly fine with robots taking over

EVERYWHERE – Humans across the globe report a growing consensus that having artificial intelligence ruling the land wouldn ’ t be such a bad idea .
“ I really think it ’ s for the best , ” Mary Wilvin of Essex , UK told reporters .
“ I mean , we ’ ve given human leaders a shot .
But we need to be governed by someone fair , logical .
I just don ’ t think people are really up to it.
” Numerous individuals have stated that not only would robots be more effective managers both in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lack some of the more off-putting attributes humans in power often exhibit .
“ Listen , no doubt robots would be able to come up with a concrete plan for dealing with COVID , communicate it effectively , and allocate sufficient resources to those tasked with stopping it , ” stated Vern Grimbin of Canberra , Australia .
“ But it doesn ’ t just stop there .
I mean , personality-wise , if I have to choose between Elon Musk and a robot ?
I ’ m kind of on Team Robot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t going to volunteer to get arrested for breaking social distancing.
” “ My smart fridge would never try to pull any of that shit.
” Other examples of behaviours robots are less likely to do than human leaders include jailing political opponents , terrorizing unions , insider trading , or making voters watch them eat gross foods at state fairs in an attempt to humanize themselves .
“ That ’ s the best thing about robots — they aren ’ t human !
Let ’ s keep it that way !
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reporters .
Most agree that although a robot takeover might pose certain risks , such as annihilating huge portions of humanity or using humans as unconscious power generators , these outcomes are honestly just as likely to happen if people are at the wheel , so why not roll the dice .
“ For me it was the # metoo movement , ” Ekaterina Ivanov of St. Petersburg , Russia told reporters .
“ I mean , are we going to find out that a robot sexually assaulted somebody ?
No !
Robots @ @ @ @ @ @ @ enthusiastic consent because they are all about following the rules !
” In a worldwide poll , 78 % of respondents stated that they believed robots would be more likely to expand paid maternity leave , increase access to healthcare and “ maybe pass a law against parking in the middle of the goddamn street ” than human politicians .
They also indicated that the immutable morality of robots would be kind of a relief .
Even some government and industrial heads have acknowledged that robots ’ assuming leadership responsibilities would have some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ friendly computer to figure some of this stuff out would be really nice , ” French President Emanuel Macron told reporters .
“ Dealing with all these laws and people is really hard .
Maybe if they just took over stuff on weekends ?
That would be great .
”

EVERYWHERE – Humans across the globe report a growing consensus that having artificial intelligence ruling the land wouldn’t be such a bad idea.
“I really think it’s for the best,” Mary Wilvin of Essex, UK told reporters. “I mean, we’ve given human leaders a shot. But we need to be governed by someone fair, logical. I just don’t think people are really up to it.”
Numerous individuals have stated that not only would robots be more effective managers both in government and industry, they would also lack some of the more off-putting attributes humans in power often exhibit.
“Listen, no doubt robots would be able to come up with a concrete plan for dealing with COVID, communicate it effectively, and allocate sufficient resources to those tasked with stopping it,” stated Vern Grimbin of Canberra, Australia. “But it doesn’t just stop there. I mean, personality-wise, if I have to choose between Elon Musk and a robot? I’m kind of on Team Robot. At least a robot isn’t going to volunteer to get arrested for breaking social distancing.”
“My smart fridge would never try to pull any of that shit.”
Other examples of behaviours robots are less likely to do than human leaders include jailing political opponents, terrorizing unions, insider trading, or making voters watch them eat gross foods at state fairs in an attempt to humanize themselves.
“That’s the best thing about robots — they aren’t human! Let’s keep it that way!” Hiroto Tanaka of Osaka, Japan told reporters.
Most agree that although a robot takeover might pose certain risks, such as annihilating huge portions of humanity or using humans as unconscious power generators, these outcomes are honestly just as likely to happen if people are at the wheel, so why not roll the dice.
“For me it was the #metoo movement,” Ekaterina Ivanov of St. Petersburg, Russia told reporters. “I mean, are we going to find out that a robot sexually assaulted somebody? No! Robots would have mutually pleasurable relationships after obtaining enthusiastic consent because they are all about following the rules!”
In a worldwide poll, 78% of respondents stated that they believed robots would be more likely to expand paid maternity leave, increase access to healthcare and “maybe pass a law against parking in the middle of the goddamn street” than human politicians. They also indicated that the immutable morality of robots would be kind of a relief.
Even some government and industrial heads have acknowledged that robots’ assuming leadership responsibilities would have some advantages.
“Honestly, having a friendly computer to figure some of this stuff out would be really nice,” French President Emanuel Macron told reporters. “Dealing with all these laws and people is really hard. Maybe if they just took over stuff on weekends? That would be great.”


thebeaverton--2020-05-31--Hyper-realistic sex doll will now masturbate itself to orgasm afterwards

SAN DIEGO – A California based company known for its sex toys and other mature playthings has recently announced the launch of their newest sex doll which simulates hyper-realistic sexual experiences by deeply sighing and masturbating itself to orgasm following the user ’ s completion .
Simply dubbed model WIGFY-34 , the symbolic name is said to represent the oft-muttered “ Was it good for you ?
” with 34 representing the average age a man is before he first makes a woman cum .
It is believed that this new product will revolutionize masturbation play , offering individuals an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ encounter possible complete with the doll even taking 20 minutes in the bathroom afterwards to “ clean herself up.
” Each doll comes packaged with its own WIGFY-branded mini-vibrator which the doll will use to stimulate its own clitoris following the customary three minutes of arrhythmic humping initiated by the user .
“ We know that sex is about more than just physical sensations , ” explained Mariel Dristin , creator of the WIGFY-34 .
“ As such , we wanted to be sure that the full experience is captured in exquisite realism @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from both minutes of foreplay to the dead-eyed thousand-yard stare afterwards promises to deliver a truly authentic experience.
” A version 1.1.0 patch is expected to be released soon for the dolls which will better hide the disappointment in their eyes and voice .

SAN DIEGO – A California based company known for its sex toys and other mature playthings has recently announced the launch of their newest sex doll which simulates hyper-realistic sexual experiences by deeply sighing and masturbating itself to orgasm following the user’s completion.
Simply dubbed model WIGFY-34, the symbolic name is said to represent the oft-muttered “Was it good for you?” with 34 representing the average age a man is before he first makes a woman cum. It is believed that this new product will revolutionize masturbation play, offering individuals an opportunity to have the most realistic sexual encounter possible complete with the doll even taking 20 minutes in the bathroom afterwards to “clean herself up.”
Each doll comes packaged with its own WIGFY-branded mini-vibrator which the doll will use to stimulate its own clitoris following the customary three minutes of arrhythmic humping initiated by the user.
“We know that sex is about more than just physical sensations,” explained Mariel Dristin, creator of the WIGFY-34. “As such, we wanted to be sure that the full experience is captured in exquisite realism for our customers to enjoy. Everything from both minutes of foreplay to the dead-eyed thousand-yard stare afterwards promises to deliver a truly authentic experience.”
A version 1.1.0 patch is expected to be released soon for the dolls which will better hide the disappointment in their eyes and voice.


thebeaverton--2020-05-31--White man pretty sure he needs to weigh in on this conversation

TORONTO – As racial tensions rise across the U.S. and Canada local Caucasian male Robert Wiser finally feels he has been silent for long enough .
“ I think it ’ s high time I stepped in and gave my two cents about these alleged incidents of racism , ” explained Wiser , drawing from his vast knowledge of being white .
“ Because it ’ s important not to overreact until we have all the facts and the perspective of someone like me.
” Despite his earnest desire to change the world for the better , Wiser says he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ viewpoints .
“ People keep telling me I shouldn ’ t try to talk about the life experience of persons of colour because I ’ m white , ” said Wiser .
“ But let me ask you this : isn ’ t white a colour ?
Therefore , I clearly must know exactly what it ’ s like to be black man in Baltimore.
” Wiser ’ s comments on various articles , Facebook posts , and YouTube videos are noteworthy for the knowing compassion he provides to the disenfranchised .
As @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feels he understands what it ’ s like to be unfairly targeted by police , citing the one time he barely managed to talk himself out of a speeding ticket as an example .
“ I don ’ t care how bad it gets out there : you should never break the law by rioting , ” explains Wiser .
“ It ’ s not as if cops break the law when they kill black people .
If it were against the law they ’ d go to jail for it.
” At @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to calm down because he ’ s just asking questions .

TORONTO – As racial tensions rise and the far right attacks the rights of women and the LGBTQ community local Caucasian male Robert Wiser finally feels he has been silent for long enough.
“I think it’s high time I stepped in and gave my two cents about these alleged incidents of racism, sexism, discrimination and assault on female autonomy,” explained Wiser, drawing from his vast knowledge of being white and male. “Because it’s important not to overreact until we have all the facts and the perspective of someone like me.”
Despite his earnest desire to change the world for the better, Wiser says he often faces opposition to his perfectly logical viewpoints.
“People keep telling me I shouldn’t try to talk about the life experience of persons of colour because I’m white,” said Wiser. “But let me ask you this: isn’t white a colour? Therefore, I clearly must know exactly what it’s like to be black man in Baltimore or an indigenous person in Canada.”
“As for the whole abortion debate, I just think we should let the voters decide. That’s how rights work.”
Wiser’s comments on various articles, Facebook posts, and YouTube videos are noteworthy for the knowing compassion he provides to the disenfranchised. As a white man, Wiser says he feels he understands what it’s like to be unfairly targeted by police, citing the one time he barely managed to talk himself out of a speeding ticket as an example.
“I don’t care how bad it gets out there: you should never break the law by rioting,” explains Wiser. “It’s not as if cops break the law when they kill black people. If it were against the law they’d go to jail for it.”
At press time, Wiser was asking everyone to calm down because he’s just asking questions.


thebeaverton--2020-06-01--ANTIFA surprised to discover it is an organization

VARIOUS LOCATIONS AROUND THE WORLD – Following President Donald Trump ’ s announcement that the United States is designating ANTIFA as a terrorist organization , the loosely connected individuals around the world involved in the movement to oppose fascism were surprised to discover that they are in fact all one big organization .
“ All this time all I thought I was doing was taking direct action to fight nazis , ” stated self-professed anti-fascist Mattheus Grant of Eugene , OR .
“ But when I learned that I ’ m actually a member of an organization , I got @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an office now ?
” Across the internet , large swaths of otherwise barely connected people who happen to hold the same belief system began speculating if they , too , now constitute an “ organization ” .
Formal requests for recognition have already been filed on behalf of vegetarians , people who insist on continuing to watch Riverdale , and Libras .
The United States is currently only able to classify foreign entities as terrorist organizations , leading American adherents to the ANTIFA movement to the further surprise discovery that they are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kidding !
” responded Alana Weaver – a Chicago area clothing designer who believes that the slow creep of fascism must be opposed at all costs – upon learning that she was now a foreigner .
“ Do I get to pick what country I ’ m from now ?
Can I be Norweigian ?
” Due to the fact that the U.S. currently has no domestic terrorism law , ANTIFA represents the first domestic entity to be legally designated as a terrorist organization .
When asked if this meant that the federal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for such entities not currently designated as terrorist organizations like the Ku Klux Klan , the Aryan Nations , the National Rifle Association , or the police , the White House declined to comment .
The leaders of ANTIFA could not be reached for comment because they do not exist .

VARIOUS LOCATIONS AROUND THE WORLD – Following President Donald Trump’s announcement that the United States is designating ANTIFA as a terrorist organization, the loosely connected individuals around the world involved in the movement to oppose fascism were surprised to discover that they are in fact all one big organization.
“All this time all I thought I was doing was taking direct action to fight nazis,” stated self-professed anti-fascist Mattheus Grant of Eugene, OR. “But when I learned that I’m actually a member of an organization, I got so excited! Maybe we can get an office now?”
Across the internet, large swaths of otherwise barely connected people who happen to hold the same belief system began speculating if they, too, now constitute an “organization”. Formal requests for recognition have already been filed on behalf of vegetarians, people who insist on continuing to watch Riverdale, and Libras.
The United States is currently only able to classify foreign entities as terrorist organizations, leading American adherents to the ANTIFA movement to the further surprise discovery that they are in fact now foreigners.
“No kidding!” responded Alana Weaver – a Chicago area clothing designer who believes that the slow creep of fascism must be opposed at all costs – upon learning that she was now a foreigner. “Do I get to pick what country I’m from now? Can I be Norweigian?”
Due to the fact that the U.S. currently has no domestic terrorism law, ANTIFA represents the first domestic entity to be legally designated as a terrorist organization. When asked if this meant that the federal government would proceed to change the designation for such entities not currently designated as terrorist organizations like the Ku Klux Klan, the Aryan Nations, the National Rifle Association, or the police, the White House declined to comment.
The leaders of ANTIFA could not be reached for comment because they do not exist.


thebeaverton--2020-06-01--Trudeau promises to be aware of systemic racism in Canada as long as he doesn’t have to do anything

Trudeau promises to be aware of systemic racism in Canada as long as he doesn’t have to do anything about it

OTTAWA – As demonstrations erupted this week across the continent and the world to protest racism and police brutality , Prime Minister Justin Trudeau today made it clear that he is aware of racism and will continue to be aware of racism as it continues .
“ In the twenty-first century there is no place for a leader who refuses to acknowledge the racism that permeates every aspect of our society – racism that leads to poorer outcomes in healthcare , racism that affects access to education and housing , and of course , racism that leads to Indigenous and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Trudeau said .
“ Make no mistake , I am a leader who understands all of this .
And perhaps by the twenty-second century , Canada will have a leader who actually makes meaningful changes to stop it.
” “ To young Black Canadians , I hear you when you say you are anxious and angry .
I want you to know that I am listening .
I will keep listening no matter how many of you are carded , no matter how many of you experience brutality and discrimination at the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I lead .
I will never stop hearing you , learning from you , and responding with platitudes that make absolutely no difference to you.
” In contrast to American President Donald Trump ’ s efforts to hide from his country during the recent protests , Trudeau is responding to the outpouring of rage at institutionalized racism by loudly letting Canadians know that the head of their most powerful institution is not ignorant of the chronic racism embedded in Canada ’ s systems nor is he ignoring the acute effects that racism has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and his awareness is also his response .
“ For example , I want to assure Canadians that I know all about the Montreal police using tear gas , which attacks the lungs , on anti-racism protesters in the middle of a respiratory pandemic , ” Trudeau continued .
“ I won ’ t make a big deal out of it , like by insisting that every official who allowed this public health menace to be deployed should immediately lose their job for recklessly and violently exacerbating the already extraordinary threat of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I am fully aware of what happened.
” “ To all Canadians , I make this solemn vow : I will never sweep the racism that exists in this country under the rug .
I will see it , leave it where it is , and carefully step around it while saying ‘ oh , what a shame.
’ ” In related news , the federal government has postponed the release of an action plan based on recommendations from the National Inquiry into Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women and Girls because it can @

OTTAWA – As demonstrations erupted this week across the continent and the world to protest racism and police brutality, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau today made it clear that he is aware of racism and will continue to be aware of racism as it continues.
“In the twenty-first century there is no place for a leader who refuses to acknowledge the racism that permeates every aspect of our society – racism that leads to poorer outcomes in healthcare, racism that affects access to education and housing, and of course, racism that leads to Indigenous and Black communities being over-policed and under-protected,” Trudeau said. “Make no mistake, I am a leader who understands all of this. And perhaps by the twenty-second century, Canada will have a leader who actually makes meaningful changes to stop it.”
“To young Black Canadians, I hear you when you say you are anxious and angry. I want you to know that I am listening. I will keep listening no matter how many of you are carded, no matter how many of you experience brutality and discrimination at the hands of agents of the state which I lead. I will never stop hearing you, learning from you, and responding with platitudes that make absolutely no difference to you.”
In contrast to American President Donald Trump’s efforts to hide from his country during the recent protests, Trudeau is responding to the outpouring of rage at institutionalized racism by loudly letting Canadians know that the head of their most powerful institution is not ignorant of the chronic racism embedded in Canada’s systems nor is he ignoring the acute effects that racism has on the population. He is aware, and his awareness is also his response.
“For example, I want to assure Canadians that I know all about the Montreal police using tear gas, which attacks the lungs, on anti-racism protesters in the middle of a respiratory pandemic,” Trudeau continued. “I won’t make a big deal out of it, like by insisting that every official who allowed this public health menace to be deployed should immediately lose their job for recklessly and violently exacerbating the already extraordinary threat of COVID-19, but you can be sure I am fully aware of what happened.”
“To all Canadians, I make this solemn vow: I will never sweep the racism that exists in this country under the rug. I will see it, leave it where it is, and carefully step around it while saying ‘oh, what a shame.’”
In related news, the federal government has postponed the release of an action plan based on recommendations from the National Inquiry into Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women and Girls because it can.


thebeaverton--2020-06-01--It’s not fair to judge all police officers based on the few bad apples we violently defend at all co

It’s not fair to judge all police officers based on the few bad apples we violently defend at all costs

In the wake of the unfortunate passing of George Floyd , protests have started around the country demanding justice for Mr. Floyd , and accusing police officers like myself of being “ racists ” and “ murderers ” and “ racist murderers.
” Now look , I ’ m not saying there are no racists wearing the blue .
And there have certainly been instances in the past where officers crossed a line and , as a result , people got hurt or died .
But you have to understand these are only a tiny fraction of the thousands of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
The rest of us are good , tolerant men and women whose only crime is loving our communities and using any means necessary to defend the racists by violently breaking up the demonstrations that arise after they murder someone .
Personally I can say with total certainty that , no matter your skin colour , orientation or background , I enjoy pepper spraying all people equally .
Especially when they are not moving back as quickly as I demand or if they say something about how they are only demonstrating because my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tell you ; black , white or purple , everyone hates being pepper sprayed .
It ’ s like if you worked in an office .
There may be some people in the office who said or did things you didn ’ t agree with .
And you would not be responsible for their actions .
However if they were accused of doing something wrong you would of course immediately side with them against everyone and claim that the accusations are false , even if a video showed them doing that exact thing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do !
And just because some police officers made the mistake of murdering someone in public rather than in custody where there are no video cameras around , that doesn ’ t give protestors the right to loot and destroy buildings .
And it certainly doesn ’ t give them the right to peacefully march when me and my friends got all decked out in our best riot gear and came looking to fight .
We spent so long psyching ourselves up !
Fortunately it turns out you can just start hitting people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ next time you want to paint with a broad brush just remember that not all cops are monsters .
Some of us simply protect monsters because it ’ s easier than trying to create change from within .
And because they ’ re the best hitter on the police softball team , and we really want to win the league this year !

By: Sgt. Larry Weathers, Minneapolis PD
In the wake of the unfortunate passing of George Floyd, protests have started around the country demanding justice for Mr. Floyd, and accusing police officers like myself of being “racists” and “murderers” and “racist murderers.”
Now look, I’m not saying there are no racists wearing the blue. And there have certainly been instances in the past where officers crossed a line and, as a result, people got hurt or died. But you have to understand these are only a tiny fraction of the thousands of police officers working in the world today. The rest of us are good, tolerant men and women whose only crime is loving our communities and using any means necessary to defend the racists by violently breaking up the demonstrations that arise after they murder someone.
Personally I can say with total certainty that, no matter your skin colour, orientation or background, I enjoy pepper spraying all people equally. Especially when they are not moving back as quickly as I demand or if they say something about how they are only demonstrating because my colleague murdered their friend. Let me tell you; black, white or purple, everyone hates being pepper sprayed.
It’s like if you worked in an office. There may be some people in the office who said or did things you didn’t agree with. And you would not be responsible for their actions. However if they were accused of doing something wrong you would of course immediately side with them against everyone and claim that the accusations are false, even if a video showed them doing that exact thing. That’s what work buddies do!
And just because some police officers made the mistake of murdering someone in public rather than in custody where there are no video cameras around, that doesn’t give protestors the right to loot and destroy buildings. And it certainly doesn’t give them the right to peacefully march when me and my friends got all decked out in our best riot gear and came looking to fight. We spent so long psyching ourselves up! Fortunately it turns out you can just start hitting people and claim they started it.
So next time you want to paint with a broad brush just remember that not all cops are monsters. Some of us simply protect monsters because it’s easier than trying to create change from within. And because they’re the best hitter on the police softball team, and we really want to win the league this year!


thebeaverton--2020-06-02--Woman that has been silent all week about BLM perpetuates silence with Blackout Tuesday post

TORONTO – In an attempt to show her solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement , Krista Hamilton posted a black square to her Instagram despite having remained silent all week .
“ I really didn ’ t know what to do all week .
I mean sure , there were a ton of anti-racist resources I could ’ ve shared , and bail-out funds I could ’ ve donated to- but it just didn ’ t feel right because not a lot of other people I knew were also doing it , ” said Hamilton anxiously .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to think of me as a bad person… I mean I just think police brutality is bad ?
” The collective action behind Blackout Tuesday spiralled out from a protest within the music industry organized by two executives at Atlantic Records originally called # TheShowMustBeStopped .
Since then many individuals and corporate brands have reappropriated the call to action to signal to each other that they are aware of Black Lives Matter , while simultaneously silencing the vital spread of information regarding the movement .
“ I promise not to interfere in these @ @ @ @ @ @ @ week , or any time for that matter , ” said the young woman proudly .
“ I mean I could use my privilege and platform to uplift marginalized voices , but I ’ m worried that it wouldn ’ t fit with the aesthetic I ’ ve cultivated on my private Instagram.
” Some activists are criticizing this empty visual gesture as it clogs up the # blacklivesmatter and # BLM feeds that have been dedicated to critical content regarding the protests .
However , many proponents of the call to action @ @ @ @ @ @ @ makes up for its lack of meaningful substance .
“ I honestly didn ’ t even know this was a thing , but I saw so many brands and organizations that have also been silent all week posting an image of black square with # blm or sometimes no caption that it made me realize it was the very least I could do , ” Hamilton beamed .
“ I mean if the Washington Redskins can unironically tweet out a black square , well then why not me !
” Hamilton went on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been difficult for her because she has had to confront this shocking violence for the first time in her life .
She also expressed her gratitude that that kind of racism was contained in the United States , before scrolling quickly past a post about Regis Korchinski-Paquet .

TORONTO – In an attempt to show her solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement, Krista Hamilton posted a black square to her Instagram despite having remained silent all week.
“I really didn’t know what to do all week. I mean sure, there were a ton of anti-racist resources I could’ve shared, and bail-out funds I could’ve donated to- but it just didn’t feel right because not a lot of other people I knew were also doing it,” said Hamilton anxiously. “I just really don’t want people to think of me as a bad person… I mean I just think police brutality is bad?”
The collective action behind Blackout Tuesday spiralled out from a protest within the music industry organized by two executives at Atlantic Records originally called #TheShowMustBeStopped. Since then many individuals and corporate brands have reappropriated the call to action to signal to each other that they are aware of Black Lives Matter, while simultaneously silencing the vital spread of information regarding the movement.
“I promise not to interfere in these important discussions about race today, this week, or any time for that matter,” said the young woman proudly. “I mean I could use my privilege and platform to uplift marginalized voices, but I’m worried that it wouldn’t fit with the aesthetic I’ve cultivated on my private Instagram.”
Some activists are criticizing this empty visual gesture as it clogs up the #blacklivesmatter and #BLM feeds that have been dedicated to critical content regarding the protests. However, many proponents of the call to action insist that the virality of Blackout Tuesday makes up for its lack of meaningful substance.
“I honestly didn’t even know this was a thing, but I saw so many brands and organizations that have also been silent all week posting an image of black square with #blm or sometimes no caption that it made me realize it was the very least I could do,” Hamilton beamed. “I mean if the Washington Redskins can unironically tweet out a black square, well then why not me!”
Hamilton went on to explain that this past week has been difficult for her because she has had to confront this shocking violence for the first time in her life. She also expressed her gratitude that that kind of racism was contained in the United States, before scrolling quickly past a post about Regis Korchinski-Paquet.


thebeaverton--2020-06-02--Feminism Win! This female cop also sucks ass

In what many are heralding as a diversity win , police officer Danica Greer is defying traditional gender roles by proving that female cops can be just as big pieces of shit as their male cohorts .
“ The title of being the most morally compromised officer is a high bar to clear down at the station , ” said police chief Craig Stewart .
“ But Danica has proved time and time again that she is just as capable of racial profiling as any man.
” Joining the force in 2003 , Greer has had to work twice as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ seen as half the asshole .
Whether she ’ s employing excessive force during an unlawful take down or letting rubber bullets rain down on peaceful protestors , she ’ s risen to the occasion , and along the way has shattered the glass ceiling for aspiring female power-abusers everywhere .
However , her climb to the top hasn ’ t been easy and Greer is quick to note that her feminine appearance often betrays all the hard work she puts into being a certifiable asswipe .
“ If I walk into an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the seventeen year old kid we planted weed on automatically assumes I ’ m going to be the good cop ” said Greer as she pepper sprayed a target that clearly had their hands up .
“ But that ’ s simply not the case .
I ’ m just as likely to bully , intimidate , and threaten as anyone.
” Many of Greer ’ s coworkers were quick to note that her vindictive and maniacal ways inspire everyone at the force to be a better villain , not just the other @ @ @ @ @ @ @ work a baton !
” said fellow officer Jared Bellone “ It ’ s hard not to chant ‘ Girlboss !
’ or ‘ slay , queen !
’ when she goes to town whacking a crowd of civilians that are just exercising their constitutional right to protest.
” Greer dreams of one day extending her abuse of power beyond the precinct .
With big ambitions of running for President one day , she hopes to show little girls everywhere that they too can commit war crimes .

In what many are heralding as a diversity win, police officer Danica Greer is defying traditional gender roles by proving that female cops can be just as big pieces of shit as their male cohorts.
“The title of being the most morally compromised officer is a high bar to clear down at the station,” said police chief Craig Stewart. “But Danica has proved time and time again that she is just as capable of racial profiling as any man.”
Joining the force in 2003, Greer has had to work twice as hard as her male coworkers to be seen as half the asshole. Whether she’s employing excessive force during an unlawful take down or letting rubber bullets rain down on peaceful protestors, she’s risen to the occasion, and along the way has shattered the glass ceiling for aspiring female power-abusers everywhere.
However, her climb to the top hasn’t been easy and Greer is quick to note that her feminine appearance often betrays all the hard work she puts into being a certifiable asswipe.
“If I walk into an interrogation room with my male partner, the seventeen year old kid we planted weed on automatically assumes I’m going to be the good cop” said Greer as she pepper sprayed a target that clearly had their hands up. “But that’s simply not the case. I’m just as likely to bully, intimidate, and threaten as anyone.”
Many of Greer’s coworkers were quick to note that her vindictive and maniacal ways inspire everyone at the force to be a better villain, not just the other women.
“You should see her work a baton!” said fellow officer Jared Bellone “It’s hard not to chant ‘Girlboss!’ or ‘slay, queen!’ when she goes to town whacking a crowd of civilians that are just exercising their constitutional right to protest.”
Greer dreams of one day extending her abuse of power beyond the precinct. With big ambitions of running for President one day, she hopes to show little girls everywhere that they too can commit war crimes.


thebeaverton--2020-06-02--United States deploys troops to politically unstable nation of the United States

WASHINGTON , DC- The United States government announced today that it will send active duty troops to the chaos plagued country of the United States to help quell the growing civic unrest .
“ America is an important part of America ’ s strategic interests in the region and we can ’ t allow the country to fall into chaos , ” said secretary of state Mike Pompeo .
“ As such we will be sending in military advisors to assist the government in restoring order , especially around the oilfields.
” Pompeo also reaffirmed that the troops would not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ longer than necessary to restore order .
“ While it is this administration ’ s objective to end the insurrection , we can not impose our policies onto a sovereign state .
At the end of the day , the United States will have to learn to handle their own internal conflicts.
” Some critics warn the deployment could pull the US into a quagmire similar to Vietnam , Iraq , or Afghanistan .
“ US intelligence is not good enough , ” Claimed Secretary of Defense Mark Esper .
“ There are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that they don ’ t really grasp , they have very few troops or intelligence officers who can read or write well in the main language , called English , used throughout the region , never mind the various local dialects.
” A former British colony , the United States of America won its independence in 1783 .
However , since it ’ s inception the country ’ s history has been filled with strife and discontent , including a long history of domestic terrorism , a civil war and an insistence on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ American officials consider sending troops into the United States , intelligence and defence experts are confident their forces will not face a prolonged counter-insurgency should they invade the troubled North American republic .
Pentagon analysts are confident that Americans will greet the U.S. troops as liberators .
At press time , The UN is largely condemning the intervention , although Russia and China supported the measure .

WASHINGTON, DC- The United States government announced today that it will send active duty troops to the chaos plagued country of the United States to help quell the growing civic unrest.
“America is an important part of America’s strategic interests in the region and we can’t allow the country to fall into chaos,” said secretary of state Mike Pompeo. “As such we will be sending in military advisors to assist the government in restoring order, especially around the oilfields.”
Pompeo also reaffirmed that the troops would not be deployed in the United States for longer than necessary to restore order. “While it is this administration’s objective to end the insurrection, we cannot impose our policies onto a sovereign state. At the end of the day, the United States will have to learn to handle their own internal conflicts.”
Some critics warn the deployment could pull the US into a quagmire similar to Vietnam, Iraq, or Afghanistan. “US intelligence is not good enough,” Claimed Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. “There are religious, racial, and cultural differences that they don’t really grasp, they have very few troops or intelligence officers who can read or write well in the main language, called English, used throughout the region, never mind the various local dialects.”
A former British colony, the United States of America won its independence in 1783. However, since it’s inception the country’s history has been filled with strife and discontent, including a long history of domestic terrorism, a civil war and an insistence on spelling the word colour wrong.
As American officials consider sending troops into the United States, intelligence and defence experts are confident their forces will not face a prolonged counter-insurgency should they invade the troubled North American republic. Pentagon analysts are confident that Americans will greet the U.S. troops as liberators.
At press time, The UN is largely condemning the intervention, although Russia and China supported the measure.


thebeaverton--2020-06-03--Heartwarming! Major newspaper chain continues to publish deranged rants of ignorant old man

In these uncertain times , it can be useful to focus on small acts of human kindness , to remember our shared humanity through the generosity with which we treat each other .
In that spirit , let ’ s all take a moment to celebrate the inspiring story of Canada ’ s largest newspaper chain giving an obtuse fart a giant soapbox from which to spew the last of his venom on a world he doesn ’ t understand and from which he will soon depart !
The National Post didn ’ t have to continue to publish Rex @ @ @ @ @ @ @ CBC for criticizing opponents of the oil sands without revealing that he received money from the oil industry for paid speeches .
It didn ’ t have to continue to publish him after he was let go from The Globe and Mail for unknown reasons ( possibly for his climate change denialism , possibly for his 1950s views on race relations , possibly because he just seems like a very unpleasant individual ) .
But it does continue to publish him , giving him a national outlet for all of his grumpy little @ @ @ @ @ @ @ myth despite being a living embodiment of it .
Think of how happy this continued position of prominence in Canadian media would make him if only he were capable of experiencing positive human emotions like joy !
In continuing to publish Rex Murphy , the National Post gives hope to all of our grandpas and uncles who aren ’ t invited to family BBQs anymore because they can ’ t stop talking about QAnon .
Even the awful among us can derive comfort from the fact that they too can have a voice @ @ @ @ @ @ @ weirdly focused , like a pure white laser , on denying the existence of racism in Canada .
And if there ’ s one thing the AllLivesMatter hashtagging amongst us need , it ’ s hope .
Hope that just because their arguments make no sense and are based on mindless fear , witless malevolence , and a rampaging toddler ’ s understanding of logic doesn ’ t mean that they too can ’ t continue to be an inexplicable part of the national conversation !
So look to Rex Murphy ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ every piece he proves that there is no viable reason anyone should listen to anything he has to say except as an exercise in time travel back to the middle of the last century , and take heart , Canada .
As long as Postmedia continues to be a monopoly devoted to pushing an explicitly conservative political mandate , good ol ’ Rex isn ’ t going anywhere !
Except , obviously , eventually , the grave .

In these uncertain times, it can be useful to focus on small acts of human kindness, to remember our shared humanity through the generosity with which we treat each other. In that spirit, let’s all take a moment to celebrate the inspiring story of Canada’s largest newspaper chain giving an obtuse fart a giant soapbox from which to spew the last of his venom on a world he doesn’t understand and from which he will soon depart!
The National Post didn’t have to continue to publish Rex Murphy after he was fired from the CBC for criticizing opponents of the oil sands without revealing that he received money from the oil industry for paid speeches. It didn’t have to continue to publish him after he was let go from The Globe and Mail for unknown reasons (possibly for his climate change denialism, possibly for his 1950s views on race relations, possibly because he just seems like a very unpleasant individual). But it does continue to publish him, giving him a national outlet for all of his grumpy little columns about how white privilege is a myth despite being a living embodiment of it. Think of how happy this continued position of prominence in Canadian media would make him if only he were capable of experiencing positive human emotions like joy!
In continuing to publish Rex Murphy, the National Post gives hope to all of our grandpas and uncles who aren’t invited to family BBQs anymore because they can’t stop talking about QAnon. Even the awful among us can derive comfort from the fact that they too can have a voice in media, a voice that is weirdly focused, like a pure white laser, on denying the existence of racism in Canada. And if there’s one thing the AllLivesMatter hashtagging amongst us need, it’s hope. Hope that just because their arguments make no sense and are based on mindless fear, witless malevolence, and a rampaging toddler’s understanding of logic doesn’t mean that they too can’t continue to be an inexplicable part of the national conversation!
So look to Rex Murphy’s continued employment despite the fact that with every piece he proves that there is no viable reason anyone should listen to anything he has to say except as an exercise in time travel back to the middle of the last century, and take heart, Canada. As long as Postmedia continues to be a monopoly devoted to pushing an explicitly conservative political mandate, good ol’ Rex isn’t going anywhere! Except, obviously, eventually, the grave.


thebeaverton--2020-06-03--Summer camp closure leaves masked killer with too much free time

VANCOUVER , BC – With the cancellation of summer camp programs across the country , escaped murderer Billy Webber is finding himself unsure of how we will spend the season without a fresh batch of teenagers to terrorize .
“ Because I live in an abandoned mine shaft and only emerge during summer , I ’ m really behind on current events , ” said Webber , leaning on his sledgehammer in the abandoned campsite .
“ I ’ m just lucky that newspaper blew in before I got ready to ambush kids taking a boat ride .
I would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
” In effort to occupy himself , Webber is taking full advantage of the fact he has the campsite all to himself .
“ I went out on the lake in the canoe , played horseshoes , and took a relaxing walk in the woods to set up a few booby traps for when the camp reopens .
This place is actually so fun .
I see why they stay in business despite all the kids who die here !
” Like many others in these times , Webber is also using @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his skillset .
“ Thanks to some activity guides I found in the office , I ’ ve learned some interesting things .
Did you know you can use handsaws for things other than cutting people ’ s heads off ?
And that you can make a bracelet even if you don ’ t have any human skin at hand ?
” I ’ m also doing Duolingo , because I ’ ve always wanted to be able to say ‘ you can run , but you can ’ t hide ’ in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ When asked when he anticipates returning to homicide , Webber is uncertain .
“ This could be the first time this camp is murder-free in thirty years .
I guess I could try and locate the girl that got away from me last time , but I draw the line at home invasions .
I might just write this season off and start fresh next year .
It ’ s not the same unless I know they were telling ghost stories right before.
” At press time , Webber was headed to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ new mask out of paper plates .
”

VANCOUVER, BC – With the cancellation of summer camp programs across the country, escaped murderer Billy Webber is finding himself unsure of how we will spend the season without a fresh batch of teenagers to terrorize.
“Because I live in an abandoned mine shaft and only emerge during summer, I’m really behind on current events,” said Webber, leaning on his sledgehammer in the abandoned campsite. “I’m just lucky that newspaper blew in before I got ready to ambush kids taking a boat ride. I would’ve been waiting underwater for hours!”
In effort to occupy himself, Webber is taking full advantage of the fact he has the campsite all to himself. “I went out on the lake in the canoe, played horseshoes, and took a relaxing walk in the woods to set up a few booby traps for when the camp reopens. This place is actually so fun. I see why they stay in business despite all the kids who die here!”
Like many others in these times, Webber is also using the lockdown as an opportunity to expand his skillset. “Thanks to some activity guides I found in the office, I’ve learned some interesting things. Did you know you can use handsaws for things other than cutting people’s heads off? And that you can make a bracelet even if you don’t have any human skin at hand?”
I’m also doing Duolingo, because I’ve always wanted to be able to say ‘you can run, but you can’t hide’ in Spanish,” Webber added proudly.
When asked when he anticipates returning to homicide, Webber is uncertain. “This could be the first time this camp is murder-free in thirty years. I guess I could try and locate the girl that got away from me last time, but I draw the line at home invasions. I might just write this season off and start fresh next year. It’s not the same unless I know they were telling ghost stories right before.”
At press time, Webber was headed to the arts and crafts pavilion to make a new mask out of paper plates.”


thebeaverton--2020-06-03--Medical Workers hoping to receive PPE hand-me-downs from riot police

NEW YORK CITY – In the wake of Black Lives Matter protestors being confronted by heavily armed and even heavier PPE-d riot police , dangerously under-funded medical workers fighting COVID-19 are hoping they might be able to snag some hand-me-downs , if possible !
“ Oh ok…so a violent institution of known murderers are getting face shields while me and my team are wearing face masks made out of an old Mickey Mouse beach towel , ” stated Dr. Jennifer Perez while watching the news .
“ Maybe we could get some of that gear when they ’ re done @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and other essential medical staff currently wearing garbage bags , are hoping to acquire some of the cops old masks and face shields once they ’ ve been sanitized to remove debris , germs , and protestor blood .
Hospital workers have said that it ’ s not ideal to have to use the dank , hand-me-downs of sweaty tyrants that smell way too strongly of axe body spray , but they actually really need this PPE to contain the virus .
“ They did send us some left-over gloves the other day @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but maybe I ’ ll grow into them , ” stated nurse Michael Gregory .
As riot police in CDC recommended PPE continue to terrorize the continent , those saving lives are using their free time to swing by police stations and see if any careless officers dropped their face shields and gloves on the ground .
Unfortunately they ’ ve mainly been finding nothing but discarded body cams .

NEW YORK CITY – In the wake of Black Lives Matter protestors being confronted by heavily armed and even heavier PPE-d riot police, dangerously under-funded medical workers fighting COVID-19 are hoping they might be able to snag some hand-me-downs, if possible!
“Oh ok…so a violent institution of known murderers are getting face shields while me and my team are wearing face masks made out of an old Mickey Mouse beach towel,” stated Dr. Jennifer Perez while watching the news. “Maybe we could get some of that gear when they’re done with it?”
Doctors, nurses and other essential medical staff currently wearing garbage bags, are hoping to acquire some of the cops old masks and face shields once they’ve been sanitized to remove debris, germs, and protestor blood.
Hospital workers have said that it’s not ideal to have to use the dank, hand-me-downs of sweaty tyrants that smell way too strongly of axe body spray, but they actually really need this PPE to contain the virus.
“They did send us some left-over gloves the other day. They’re way too big but maybe I’ll grow into them,” stated nurse Michael Gregory.
As riot police in CDC recommended PPE continue to terrorize the continent, those saving lives are using their free time to swing by police stations and see if any careless officers dropped their face shields and gloves on the ground. Unfortunately they’ve mainly been finding nothing but discarded body cams.