thebeaverton--2020-04-01--Local teen grounds parents for sneaking out of the house

Sherbrooke , QC – Local teenager , Jeremy Powers , has grounded his parents for continuously leaving the house and not heeding Public Health ’ s warning to self isolate .
“ I ’ m at the end of my wits !
” said the 16 year old Jeremy Powers , after catching his mom , Doris Powers , sneaking out for the third time this week .
“ I don ’ t know how to get through to them that this pandemic is serious .
They ’ re at that age now , where they just don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ instigated a strict curfew , banning his parents from leaving the house for quick coffees with Aunt Margaret , seeing if the bookstore has any more murder mysteries in stock or to finally return those shelves to IKEA .
Jeremy has even hidden the car keys and confiscated their Costco membership .
“ If this behaviour continues , there will be more consequences , ” stated Jeremy , from the kitchen table during a family meeting , after finding a dummy made from tupperware containers in their bed .
Doris reportedly rolled her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Frank , whined about how “ Uncle Trevor ’ s son lets him leave the house !
” to which Jeremy responded “ if Uncle Trevor jumped off a cliff , would you ?
” According to parental behaviour specialist , Dr. Rachel Connors , Jeremy ’ s parents are in a crucial stage in their life where they think they ’ re invincible and this sort of disobedience is normal .
She recommends establishing new trust boundaries with a reward system using stickers and a calendar – for every day Jeremy ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will receive a sticker .
Seven stickers in a row and Jeremy can show his parents how to stream the Good Fight on CBS all access .
“ This is so unfair !
!
” exclaimed Doris Powers , between pops of her Nicorette gum .
“ I wish you were never born !
” before storming off to her room , slamming the door , and calling her son a bitch .
“ I just hope their parents give them just as much of a hard time as they ’ ve done @ @ @ @ @ @ @ However , despite his best efforts , Jeremey later found a bag by the door containing a change of clothes , a Home Depot receipt , and sensible runners with orthotic inserts for plantar fasciitis .

Sherbrooke, QC – Local teenager, Jeremy Powers, has grounded his parents for continuously leaving the house and not heeding Public Health’s warning to self isolate.
“I’m at the end of my wits!” said the 16 year old Jeremy Powers, after catching his mom, Doris Powers, sneaking out for the third time this week. “I don’t know how to get through to them that this pandemic is serious. They’re at that age now, where they just don’t want to listen!”
Jeremy has instigated a strict curfew, banning his parents from leaving the house for quick coffees with Aunt Margaret, seeing if the bookstore has any more murder mysteries in stock or to finally return those shelves to IKEA. Jeremy has even hidden the car keys and confiscated their Costco membership.
“If this behaviour continues, there will be more consequences,” stated Jeremy, from the kitchen table during a family meeting, after finding a dummy made from tupperware containers in their bed. Doris reportedly rolled her eyes while Jeremy’s father, Frank, whined about how “Uncle Trevor’s son lets him leave the house!” to which Jeremy responded “if Uncle Trevor jumped off a cliff, would you?”
According to parental behaviour specialist, Dr. Rachel Connors, Jeremy’s parents are in a crucial stage in their life where they think they’re invincible and this sort of disobedience is normal. She recommends establishing new trust boundaries with a reward system using stickers and a calendar – for every day Jeremy’s parents follow the rules, they will receive a sticker. Seven stickers in a row and Jeremy can show his parents how to stream the Good Fight on CBS all access.
“This is so unfair!!” exclaimed Doris Powers, between pops of her Nicorette gum. “I wish you were never born!” before storming off to her room, slamming the door, and calling her son a bitch.
“I just hope their parents give them just as much of a hard time as they’ve done for me,” signed Jeremy.
However, despite his best efforts, Jeremey later found a bag by the door containing a change of clothes, a Home Depot receipt, and sensible runners with orthotic inserts for plantar fasciitis.


thebeaverton--2020-04-02--Pet cats wondering when the fuck you’re going back to work

OTTAWA , ON – Pet cats across the country are reporting curiosity as to when the shit you are going back to your job every day .
“ I ’ ve been more than accommodating , ” said Tigger , an asian semi-longhair cat living in the annex .
“ My human has been allowed to scratch me for almost fifteen minutes collectively over the last 10 days and I am at my limit .
But I demand my usual alone time.
” Tigger added , “ I have shed my fur absolutely everywhere , isn ’ t it obvious @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Pet cats across the country have attempted many different techniques in order to passive-aggressively get their humans to leave the home , including : chasing nothing at 3 am in the morning ; not allowing humans to pass by them without attacking ; and puking completely unprovoked .
“ I am as charitable as the next cat , ” said Rumpleteazer , a Norwegian forest cat living in the Danforth .
“ But I ’ ve worked hard at cat things so that I can have my own living space and work from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ well ?
” “ Emily better get her shit together and get a job , or whatever it is she normally does all day , ” Rumpleteazer concluded .
Several cats have banded together to lobby the Canadian government to get involved in reinstating their usual free reign of their various households .
However , government officials report not receiving any communications , as cats can ’ t use email or refuse to speak any human language .
“ I really hoped it wouldn ’ t resort to this , ” said Princess @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , baring her claws and pouncing on her owner Zack Mowat ’ s neck .
Zack caught Princess , then smiling and holding her like a baby exclaimed “ Oh , someone wants some attention huh ?
Who ’ s a pretty girl ?
” In a related story , pet dogs across the nation report requiring even more attention , and are pretty sure you don ’ t actually need to sleep .

OTTAWA, ON – Pet cats across the country are reporting curiosity as to when the shit you are going back to your job every day.
“I’ve been more than accommodating,” said Tigger, an asian semi-longhair cat living in the annex. “My human has been allowed to scratch me for almost fifteen minutes collectively over the last 10 days and I am at my limit. But I demand my usual alone time.”
Tigger added, “I have shed my fur absolutely everywhere, isn’t it obvious I own all of this?”
Pet cats across the country have attempted many different techniques in order to passive-aggressively get their humans to leave the home, including: chasing nothing at 3 am in the morning; not allowing humans to pass by them without attacking; and puking completely unprovoked.
“I am as charitable as the next cat,” said Rumpleteazer, a Norwegian forest cat living in the Danforth. “But I’ve worked hard at cat things so that I can have my own living space and work from home. Now she gets to as well?”
“Emily better get her shit together and get a job, or whatever it is she normally does all day,” Rumpleteazer concluded.
Several cats have banded together to lobby the Canadian government to get involved in reinstating their usual free reign of their various households. However, government officials report not receiving any communications, as cats can’t use email or refuse to speak any human language.
“I really hoped it wouldn’t resort to this,” said Princess, a Turkish angora cat from Thornhill, baring her claws and pouncing on her owner Zack Mowat’s neck. Zack caught Princess, then smiling and holding her like a baby exclaimed “Oh, someone wants some attention huh? Who’s a pretty girl?”
In a related story, pet dogs across the nation report requiring even more attention, and are pretty sure you don’t actually need to sleep.


thebeaverton--2020-04-02--Alberta suspends environmental reporting rules to prevent spread of information

EDMONTON – The government of Alberta has used its emergency powers to suspend regulations that require the oil and gas industry to report the effects of their activities on the environment ( including air emissions ) in an effort to halt the spread of dangerous information .
“ During this emergency , it ’ s our duty to protect everyone from this kind of data , and that ’ s why we ’ re enacting this information quarantine , ” Alberta Environment and Parks Minister Jason Nixon said while announcing the new order .
“ We ’ re just hoping @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stop the untold damage this information could cause if it continued to spread unchecked.
” A recent budget cut to the Canadian Energy Centre , Alberta ’ s pro-oil war room , has decimated Alberta ’ s ability to fight the information already out there about the environmental impact of its oil industry , forcing the government to implement this lockdown in an attempt to at least prevent any new information from being spread throughout the province or beyond .
“ Rampant information could have a catastrophic effect on Alberta ’ s fossil @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Casualty rates for this industry could be sky-high if we don ’ t act fast to protect the corporate population from this fast moving threat.
” “ We ’ re also asking all citizens to please do their part to prevent the spread of information , including relying solely on sketchy Facebook posts for all of their news and not sharing anything unless they are sure it doesn ’ t come from a reputable source.
” The clampdown on information is only the latest attempt by the Alberta government to prop up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ during the current global crisis , after promising billions in loans and passing legislation making a daily 7:00 pm round of applause for oil industry CEOs a mandatory activity for all Albertans .

EDMONTON – The government of Alberta has used its emergency powers to suspend regulations that require the oil and gas industry to report the effects of their activities on the environment (including air emissions) in an effort to halt the spread of dangerous information.
“During this emergency, it’s our duty to protect everyone from this kind of data, and that’s why we’re enacting this information quarantine,” Alberta Environment and Parks Minister Jason Nixon said while announcing the new order. “We’re just hoping we’ve acted in time to stop the untold damage this information could cause if it continued to spread unchecked.”
A recent budget cut to the Canadian Energy Centre, Alberta’s pro-oil war room, has decimated Alberta’s ability to fight the information already out there about the environmental impact of its oil industry, forcing the government to implement this lockdown in an attempt to at least prevent any new information from being spread throughout the province or beyond.
“Rampant information could have a catastrophic effect on Alberta’s fossil fuel producers,” Nixon said. “Casualty rates for this industry could be sky-high if we don’t act fast to protect the corporate population from this fast moving threat.”
“We’re also asking all citizens to please do their part to prevent the spread of information, including relying solely on sketchy Facebook posts for all of their news and not sharing anything unless they are sure it doesn’t come from a reputable source.”
The clampdown on information is only the latest attempt by the Alberta government to prop up the already struggling oil and gas industry during the current global crisis, after promising billions in loans and passing legislation making a daily 7:00 pm round of applause for oil industry CEOs a mandatory activity for all Albertans.


thebeaverton--2020-04-03--FDA eases restrictions on gay blood donors unless they’re hot

SILVER SPRING , MD – In the face of an urgent need for blood donations , the Food and Drug Administration has revised its blood donor guidelines to allow gay men to donate so long as they aren ’ t hot or fun .
This update brings the American rules in line with the current Canadian restrictions , which also limit any blood donations from gay men who are known to be fierce .
“ We find ourselves in the midst of an unprecedented public health crisis , ” said FDA spokesperson Gustavo Fuentes , “ which is why we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from any gay men who are boring , basic or have less than 10k followers on Instagram .
We believe that this rule change will broaden the number of candidates for donations while also keeping the general population safe from any gay blood that is too sexy.
” While gay and bisexual men have been banned from any type of blood donations for decades , in 2015 the FDA began to allow gay men to donate blood so long as the man in question was an absolute unfuckable nightmare .
Many therefore see @ @ @ @ @ @ @ toward acceptance .
Some LGBTQ+ activists however do not feel that this rule change goes far enough .
“ This is a decision that is rooted firmly in the past and is not backed up by science , ” stated Reece Williams , the leader of the group Tens for Justice .
“ My partner and I are both safe , healthy individuals who are certified Fire Island trade and yet we are being denied the opportunity to do our part simply because we are what ?
Sickening !
” Williams went on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ establishment is intimidated by my sharp jawline does not give them the right to discriminate against me , ” while doing his tenth set of squats .
Recent studies have shown that gay and bisexual men are up to 70 % more likely to be hot than the general population .
While self-isolation measures currently in place are leading many gay men to become significantly less hot than they were at the start of the COVID-19 crisis , Fuentes admits that “ unless any zaddies wishing to donate were already backsliding for some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in isolation for roughly another two and a half months before they will be busted enough to qualify.
” Representatives for Canadian Blood Services have announced that in response to the rule change by their American counterpart , they can probably get away with waiting a few more years before doing anything about their own outdated policies .

SILVER SPRING, MD – In the face of an urgent need for blood donations, the Food and Drug Administration has revised its blood donor guidelines to allow gay men to donate so long as they aren’t hot or fun.
This update brings the American rules in line with the current Canadian restrictions, which also limit any blood donations from gay men who are known to be fierce.
“We find ourselves in the midst of an unprecedented public health crisis,” said FDA spokesperson Gustavo Fuentes, “which is why we are now open to accepting blood donations from any gay men who are boring, basic or have less than 10k followers on Instagram. We believe that this rule change will broaden the number of candidates for donations while also keeping the general population safe from any gay blood that is too sexy.”
While gay and bisexual men have been banned from any type of blood donations for decades, in 2015 the FDA began to allow gay men to donate blood so long as the man in question was an absolute unfuckable nightmare. Many therefore see this recent announcement as a significant shift toward acceptance.
Some LGBTQ+ activists however do not feel that this rule change goes far enough. “This is a decision that is rooted firmly in the past and is not backed up by science,” stated Reece Williams, the leader of the group Tens for Justice. “My partner and I are both safe, healthy individuals who are certified Fire Island trade and yet we are being denied the opportunity to do our part simply because we are what? Sickening!” Williams went on to add “Just because the medical establishment is intimidated by my sharp jawline does not give them the right to discriminate against me,” while doing his tenth set of squats.
Recent studies have shown that gay and bisexual men are up to 70% more likely to be hot than the general population. While self-isolation measures currently in place are leading many gay men to become significantly less hot than they were at the start of the COVID-19 crisis, Fuentes admits that “unless any zaddies wishing to donate were already backsliding for some time, they will have to remain in isolation for roughly another two and a half months before they will be busted enough to qualify.”
Representatives for Canadian Blood Services have announced that in response to the rule change by their American counterpart, they can probably get away with waiting a few more years before doing anything about their own outdated policies.


thebeaverton--2020-04-03--Local jerkwad only on day 3 of quarantine

GUELPH , ON – Early this morning local fool Hansen Lund posted an obnoxiously long Instagram story detailing his third day of quarantine , much to the horror and displeasure of his followers .
“ I ’ ve been cooped up in my apartment for the past two weeks so it blows my mind that he says he ’ s only been self-isolating for the past three days , ” sputtered tentative friend Katie Asadi , a data analyst working from home .
“ That ’ s just a long weekend , my dude.
” The 22 year old oaf @ @ @ @ @ @ @ any other essential service field necessitating him leaving his apartment , yet Lund only began social distancing this past Wednesday after realizing that “ this corona stuff is like serious serious ” and “ nothing good is open anymore.
” “ You guys , these past two days have been brutal , but I ’ m hopeful that day three will be better , ” the asswipe whined to his social media followers .
“ I got tons of groceries but I finished my unsalted pretzels , so I might need to pop @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , so brutal.
” The young sociopath has been spotted lingering in stores , working out at the gym , on public transit , gathering in dense parks , visiting friends , and generally romping around publicly with abandon .
“ I am kinda ticked off that it took him so long to realize that what he was doing was dangerous , ” sighed Maria Lund , sister to the cretin .
“ God , I hate him and now he keeps trying to call me on Zoom .
But him staying in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The little twit has been posting to Instagram Live every night so far delivering pep-talks to his followers reminding them to “ stay positive and that this thing will blow over in like a week , tops .
”

GUELPH, ON – Early this morning local fool Hansen Lund posted an obnoxiously long Instagram story detailing his third day of quarantine, much to the horror and displeasure of his followers.
“I’ve been cooped up in my apartment for the past two weeks so it blows my mind that he says he’s only been self-isolating for the past three days,” sputtered tentative friend Katie Asadi, a data analyst working from home. “That’s just a long weekend, my dude.”
The 22 year old oaf does not work in healthcare, nor any other essential service field necessitating him leaving his apartment, yet Lund only began social distancing this past Wednesday after realizing that “this corona stuff is like serious serious” and “nothing good is open anymore.”
“You guys, these past two days have been brutal, but I’m hopeful that day three will be better,” the asswipe whined to his social media followers. “I got tons of groceries but I finished my unsalted pretzels, so I might need to pop out to grab some soon. Again, so brutal.”
The young sociopath has been spotted lingering in stores, working out at the gym, on public transit, gathering in dense parks, visiting friends, and generally romping around publicly with abandon.
“I am kinda ticked off that it took him so long to realize that what he was doing was dangerous,” sighed Maria Lund, sister to the cretin. “God, I hate him and now he keeps trying to call me on Zoom. But him staying in now is still better than nothing.”
The little twit has been posting to Instagram Live every night so far delivering pep-talks to his followers reminding them to “stay positive and that this thing will blow over in like a week, tops.”


thebeaverton--2020-04-03--Corporations disappointed they won’t be able to commodify queer culture this year

TORONTO – In an effort to stop the spread of COVID-19 , Toronto Pride has been cancelled and corporations are scrambling to figure out how they can best commodify queer culture this year .
“ Pride month is so important to us , ” said Susan Barns , spokesperson for the Diversity and Inclusion Committee of one of Canada ’ s major banks .
” It ’ s an opportunity to put a rainbow in our logo , pat ourselves on the back for our allyship , and completely glaze over the fact that historically we wanted nothing to do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we ’ ll have to find something else to do with all these 7,000 rainbow stickers… ” According to Susan , they also had to scrap a nationwide photo campaign featuring all their queer employees in upper management roles because they didn ’ t have any .
“ Toronto ’ s LGBTQ2IA+ community is very important to us , ” added clothing conglomerate Henri Moto , whose company sponsored the World Cup in Russia .
“ Who else is going to purchase our Pride line of t-shirts embossed with SLAY , WERQ , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ obviously straight women but who else ?
” Toronto Pride has already released a statement expressing concern that the cancellation will significantly impact the small businesses , bars , artists , musicians , and drag performers that rely on the influx of earnings made during that time .
Not to mention the muscle gays who ’ ve been working out all year so that they can dance shirtless in a parking lot .
But of course no one is suffering more than a vodka company that has already spent 1/100th of their promotions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if the corporations would instead donate the thousands of dollars allocated towards their parade float to the community , Adam Fields , a representative from a major tech company , explained that unless companies can make a corporate video , showcasing employees throwing rainbow beads at a crowd , in slow motion and under upbeat music , it doesn ’ t count .
“ It ’ s the whole if a tree falls in a forest delihema except , the tree is ‘ supporting LGBTQ2IA+ folk ’ and the forest is a ‘ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time , Toronto Police were furious at Pride for finding a way to not let them march in the parade again this year .

TORONTO – In an effort to stop the spread of COVID-19, Toronto Pride has been cancelled and corporations are scrambling to figure out how they can best commodify queer culture this year.
“Pride month is so important to us,” said Susan Barns, spokesperson for the Diversity and Inclusion Committee of one of Canada’s major banks. ”It’s an opportunity to put a rainbow in our logo, pat ourselves on the back for our allyship, and completely glaze over the fact that historically we wanted nothing to do with the LGBTQ2IA+ community. I guess we’ll have to find something else to do with all these 7,000 rainbow stickers…”
According to Susan, they also had to scrap a nationwide photo campaign featuring all their queer employees in upper management roles because they didn’t have any.
“Toronto’s LGBTQ2IA+ community is very important to us,” added clothing conglomerate Henri Moto, whose company sponsored the World Cup in Russia. “Who else is going to purchase our Pride line of t-shirts embossed with SLAY, WERQ, and other appropriated queer refrences? Yeah obviously straight women but who else?”
Toronto Pride has already released a statement expressing concern that the cancellation will significantly impact the small businesses, bars, artists, musicians, and drag performers that rely on the influx of earnings made during that time. Not to mention the muscle gays who’ve been working out all year so that they can dance shirtless in a parking lot. But of course no one is suffering more than a vodka company that has already spent 1/100th of their promotions budget building a float.
When asked if the corporations would instead donate the thousands of dollars allocated towards their parade float to the community, Adam Fields, a representative from a major tech company, explained that unless companies can make a corporate video, showcasing employees throwing rainbow beads at a crowd, in slow motion and under upbeat music, it doesn’t count. “It’s the whole if a tree falls in a forest delihema except, the tree is ‘supporting LGBTQ2IA+ folk’ and the forest is a ‘PR opportunity’.”
At press time, Toronto Police were furious at Pride for finding a way to not let them march in the parade again this year.