thebeaverton--2020-12-25--Dad insistent he won’t use gift he specifically asked for, that you should return it and get somethi

Dad insistent he won’t use gift he specifically asked for, that you should return it and get something for yourself

REGINA – It was a Rockwell-esque scene Friday morning as Edgar Nyfors surrounded by his family , carefully unwrapped the sole present under the tree with his name .
Inside , a Craftsman V20 cordless two-speed saw in cherry red .
“ Oh my goodness girls !
How did you know ?
” gushed the 65-year-old , pressing both hands to his face to make a show of how impressed he was .
“ This is the second best thing you girls have ever given me , ” continued the senior , kissing the tops of Nicole and Melanie ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Why , this must have taken you forever to find !
” In truth , the moderately-priced item was the only one on his Christmas wish list and came with manufacturer product number and driving directions to a local hardware store where the tool had been placed on hold .
However , initial delight quickly transformed into pushback , when after a moment Edgar remarked that his children should return his sole gift , to buy themselves something instead .
Claiming the gift was “ absolutely gorgeous ” but that he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out the hand-saw he owned “ still worked fine ” for the senior citizen whose arthritis had necessitated his retirement in 2018 .
“ Just enjoy the gift , Dad !
You ’ re allowed to have nice things , ” responded the two sisters as they played their role in the yearly choreographed mock argument .
Determined still , the Nyfors patriarch began insisting the gift be returned on the grounds that the present ’ s $ 89 price tag was far too expensive for Nicole and Melanie to split , who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ respectively .
“ He does this every year , ” said eldest daughter Nicole .
“ [ Melanie and I ] had to leave our purses in our cars because last year he snuck the cash values of our gifts into them.
” Finally giving in , he safely stowed away the receipt and put down the box without opening it , in case either child accepted his plea when he tried twice again later in the day .
At press time , the elder Nyfors was quietly waiting for the family members @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his left side had gone numb so as not to make a fuss .

REGINA – It was a Rockwell-esque scene Friday morning as Edgar Nyfors surrounded by his family, carefully unwrapped the sole present under the tree with his name. Inside, a Craftsman V20 cordless two-speed saw in cherry red.
“Oh my goodness girls! How did you know?” gushed the 65-year-old, pressing both hands to his face to make a show of how impressed he was. “This is the second best thing you girls have ever given me,” continued the senior, kissing the tops of Nicole and Melanie’s heads, his two adult daughters. “Why, this must have taken you forever to find!”
In truth, the moderately-priced item was the only one on his Christmas wish list and came with manufacturer product number and driving directions to a local hardware store where the tool had been placed on hold.
However, initial delight quickly transformed into pushback, when after a moment Edgar remarked that his children should return his sole gift, to buy themselves something instead. Claiming the gift was “absolutely gorgeous” but that he would never use it, he pointed out the hand-saw he owned “still worked fine” for the senior citizen whose arthritis had necessitated his retirement in 2018.
“Just enjoy the gift, Dad! You’re allowed to have nice things,” responded the two sisters as they played their role in the yearly choreographed mock argument.
Determined still, the Nyfors patriarch began insisting the gift be returned on the grounds that the present’s $89 price tag was far too expensive for Nicole and Melanie to split, who work as an obstetrician and legal secretary respectively.
“He does this every year,” said eldest daughter Nicole. “[Melanie and I] had to leave our purses in our cars because last year he snuck the cash values of our gifts into them.”
Finally giving in, he safely stowed away the receipt and put down the box without opening it, in case either child accepted his plea when he tried twice again later in the day.
At press time, the elder Nyfors was quietly waiting for the family members to finish their Christmas toasts to mention his left side had gone numb so as not to make a fuss.


thebeaverton--2020-12-25--“You there, boy, what day is it?” says man who hasn’t been outside since March

LONDON , ON- Local man Evan Scranton opened the windows to his bedroom early this morning , pointed at a boy passing-by and asked “ You there , boy , what day is it ?
” , his first in-person interaction since March 10th , 2020 .
Scranton , a man who hasn ’ t seen the open air and sun for 9 months , took the young boy by surprise when the empty bags of Cheetos and liquor bottles spilled out of the thrust-open 2nd story window , to ask the child the question .
“ I thought ‘ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ e was , ” Timmy O ’ Sullivan , the endearing scamp said , referring to the interaction , “ But swear on me mum ’ s grave , I can ’ t remember what month we ’ re in most the time .
I had to check me phone before confirming to ‘ im.
” Upon hearing young O ’ Sullivan ’ s response of “ Why , it ’ s Christmas , sir !
” , Scranton muttered to himself something about ghosts , vaccines , and the perception of time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Say there , do you remember that shop ‘ round the corner of the street ?
I need masks… and the Skip The Dishes fellow won ’ t speak to me anymore !
Get me some and I shall pay you a crisp $ 50 dollar bill !
” “ This is absolutely marvelous , ” a dirty and erratic Scranton told us , “ the ghosts must have thrown me far off into the future !
What else could explain the quickness of this happiest of days arriving at my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ two boxes of masks for the old , seemingly born-again miser , he handed him a 50 dollar bill and continued down the street in a merry fashion .
“ It looked like ‘ e saw a ghost , ” continued O ’ Sullivan , “ but that ’ s how me n ’ me flock ‘ ave looked for this past year , so that part was normal.
” Scranton reportedly planned his newfound energy for an in-person interaction , but upon learning of the latest rise in coronavirus numbers , facetimed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ employee Robert Cratch and his family , then ordered a delivery of food to his house , and cashapp ’ d him the money he owed him for work .

LONDON, ON- Local man Evan Scranton opened the windows to his bedroom early this morning, pointed at a boy passing-by and asked “You there, boy, what day is it?”, his first in-person interaction since March 10th, 2020.
Scranton, a man who hasn’t seen the open air and sun for 9 months, took the young boy by surprise when the empty bags of Cheetos and liquor bottles spilled out of the thrust-open 2nd story window, to ask the child the question.
“I thought ‘e was a tad bit screwy ‘e was,” Timmy O’Sullivan, the endearing scamp said, referring to the interaction, “But swear on me mum’s grave, I can’t remember what month we’re in most the time. I had to check me phone before confirming to ‘im.”
Upon hearing young O’Sullivan’s response of “Why, it’s Christmas, sir!”, Scranton muttered to himself something about ghosts, vaccines, and the perception of time, before calling back to the boy.
“Say there, do you remember that shop ‘round the corner of the street? I need masks… and the Skip The Dishes fellow won’t speak to me anymore! Get me some and I shall pay you a crisp $50 dollar bill!”
“This is absolutely marvelous,” a dirty and erratic Scranton told us, “the ghosts must have thrown me far off into the future! What else could explain the quickness of this happiest of days arriving at my door-step!”
After Timmy returned with two boxes of masks for the old, seemingly born-again miser, he handed him a 50 dollar bill and continued down the street in a merry fashion.
“It looked like ‘e saw a ghost,” continued O’Sullivan, “but that’s how me n’ me flock ‘ave looked for this past year, so that part was normal.”
Scranton reportedly planned his newfound energy for an in-person interaction, but upon learning of the latest rise in coronavirus numbers, facetimed a sincere apology and reconnection to his employee Robert Cratch and his family, then ordered a delivery of food to his house, and cashapp’d him the money he owed him for work.


thebeaverton--2020-12-26--Here are all the butts we found in the National Gallery of Canada

For your convenience and artistic taste , we bring you a tour of all the bare asses we found from @ @ @ @ @ in Ottawa .
The Crack and the Face – Francisco Goya c. 1823 This guy @ @ @ @ @ like that .
These buns were restored in 2018 .
If you stare at this @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll see a butt .
After taking this photo , security asked us to @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a bunch of butts for you .
Have a good day .

For your convenience and artistic taste, we bring you a tour of all the bare asses we found from the National Gallery of Canada in Ottawa.
Butt In The Reflection.
Ass Near Faun.
Frolicking Derrières.
Brass ass.
The Crack and the Face – Francisco Goya c. 1823
This guy can write calligraphy with buns like that.
Somebody doesn’t miss a leg day.
Required Canadian content butt.
These buns were restored in 2018.
If you stare at this for 5 minutes, you’ll see a butt.
More butts.
Oh, there’s one.
After taking this photo, security asked us to leave.
Well, there’s a bunch of butts for you. Have a good day.


thebeaverton--2020-12-26--Study reveals that dogs in fact bork and do not bark

VANCOUVER , B.C – An extensive 38 year study conducted by the University of British Columbia into domesticated dogs species has revealed that every dog in the world actually doesn ’ t bark , but , in fact , borks .
The $ 3.67 billion dollars study , in which 63 researchers in dozens of countries conducted painstaking testing and analysis of the vocalizations of more than 500,000 dogs of every breed , came to the conclusion that the noise dogs make is actually one letter off .
“ The results are stunning , ” said team leader Monique Grant @ @ @ @ @ @ @ years of my life dedicated to this research and now we have conclusive proof that dogs go ‘ bork ’ and not ‘ bark.
’ I just… fucking hell.
” The implications of the study are far-reaching and incalculable in scope , from cartoonist ’ s speech bubbles to… uhhh Westminster dog shows maybe ?
“ Frankly , I ’ m shocked , ” said Pomeranian owner Brick Timber , “ I don ’ t know if I can look Fluffington in the eye anymore after all these years of lies… .
We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Dogs across the world responded to the study with a collective statement that simply read “ Bork , bork , grrrrrrrrrr , ruff !
Bork !
” signed by over 24,000 participants .
“ 20 years and all I have to show for it is ‘ bork ’ and the fact I can draw any breed of dog ’ s vocal chords with my eyes closed… ” Grant said before pulling out a bottle of scotch and drinking it in silence for three minutes and nineteen seconds before our reporter took the hint @ @ @ @ @ @ @ research team announced their new project that would delve into whether or not cats go “ mew ” instead of “ meow .
”

VANCOUVER, B.C – An extensive 38 year study conducted by the University of British Columbia into domesticated dogs species has revealed that every dog in the world actually doesn’t bark, but, in fact, borks.
The $3.67 billion dollars study, in which 63 researchers in dozens of countries conducted painstaking testing and analysis of the vocalizations of more than 500,000 dogs of every breed, came to the conclusion that the noise dogs make is actually one letter off.
“The results are stunning,” said team leader Monique Grant. “I spent the last 20 years of my life dedicated to this research and now we have conclusive proof that dogs go ‘bork’ and not ‘bark.’ I just… fucking hell.”
The implications of the study are far-reaching and incalculable in scope, from cartoonist’s speech bubbles to… uhhh Westminster dog shows maybe?
“Frankly, I’m shocked,” said Pomeranian owner Brick Timber, “I don’t know if I can look Fluffington in the eye anymore after all these years of lies…. We might have to put him down.”
Dogs across the world responded to the study with a collective statement that simply read “Bork, bork, grrrrrrrrrr, ruff! Bork!” signed by over 24,000 participants.
“20 years and all I have to show for it is ‘bork’ and the fact I can draw any breed of dog’s vocal chords with my eyes closed…” Grant said before pulling out a bottle of scotch and drinking it in silence for three minutes and nineteen seconds before our reporter took the hint.
The study comes after a similar research team announced their new project that would delve into whether or not cats go “mew” instead of “meow.”


thebeaverton--2020-12-26--Dr. Oetker has medical licence revoked

Dr. Oetker has medical licence revoked

BERLIN – The German Medical Association has announced the immediate and unanimous revocation of the license to practice medicine of Dr. Oetker .
“ This has been many years coming .
We find it shocking that a medical professional has dedicated himself so completely to selling grossly unhealthy foodstuffs to the general population without shame , ” read the official brief from the Association , “ while we acknowledge that some alternative views on medicine can be held by members of our body , we know of no accepted practice that involves the routine consumption of frozen , sodium-filled pizzas.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ recent years after prescribing patients , as well as random members of the public , to eat a pizza any time they don ’ t feel well .
And while most recipients of his prescriptions are quite happy with the treatment , it has led to rampant obesity and heart disease among wide swaths of the community .
“ He had post-op triple bypass patients coming into his office for pain relief issues and he sent them home with 12 Ultra-Deluxe Meat Lovers Frozen Pizzas !
” said Utta Lerber , a former @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ their hearts literally burst within 48 hours.
” Oetker , who could not be reached for comment , reportedly expressed dismay at the ruling and intends to appeal .
He is eager to show the medical community that every disease , from cancer , to hepatitis , to lupus , can be cured with just a little tough love , and the shameless consumption of reheated frozen pizzas .
In a similar crackdown , the American Institute of Culinary Arts has implemented disciplinary measures due to repeat violations of their standards and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ himself only as Mr. Boyardee from now on .

BERLIN – The German Medical Association has announced the immediate and unanimous revocation of the license to practice medicine of Dr. Oetker.
“This has been many years coming. We find it shocking that a medical professional has dedicated himself so completely to selling grossly unhealthy foodstuffs to the general population without shame,” read the official brief from the Association, “while we acknowledge that some alternative views on medicine can be held by members of our body, we know of no accepted practice that involves the routine consumption of frozen, sodium-filled pizzas.”
Oetker has come under fire in recent years after prescribing patients, as well as random members of the public, to eat a pizza any time they don’t feel well. And while most recipients of his prescriptions are quite happy with the treatment, it has led to rampant obesity and heart disease among wide swaths of the community.
“He had post-op triple bypass patients coming into his office for pain relief issues and he sent them home with 12 Ultra-Deluxe Meat Lovers Frozen Pizzas!” said Utta Lerber, a former nurse at Oetker’s clinic, “their hearts literally burst within 48 hours.”
Oetker, who could not be reached for comment, reportedly expressed dismay at the ruling and intends to appeal. He is eager to show the medical community that every disease, from cancer, to hepatitis, to lupus, can be cured with just a little tough love, and the shameless consumption of reheated frozen pizzas.
In a similar crackdown, the American Institute of Culinary Arts has implemented disciplinary measures due to repeat violations of their standards and mandated that their former member refer to himself only as Mr. Boyardee from now on.


thebeaverton--2020-12-27--Rudolph dies in freak reindeer games accident

BELLEVILLE , ON – Belleville Police have reported that Rudolph the Reindeer ( recognizable from his trademark glowing red nose ) has been found dead in the parking lot of a local Wal-Mart .
Police have taken 3 other reindeer , Dancer , Prancer , and Comet , into custody under suspicion of foul play .
“ The thing is – when they say that ‘ all the reindeer loved him , ’ they don ’ t mean it literally .
We sort of just loved the service he provided .
Kinda like the way you love your Uber eats @ @ @ @ @ @ @ none of us would intentionally hurt him , ” said Vixen , a fellow reindeer and Rudolph ’ s former lover .
“ He was a Trump supporter though .
That was kind of weird.
” The other reindeer on the scene report that they were simply playing a reindeer game – a usual way to pass the time for the 364 days of the year when the reindeer face perpetual unemployment .
However , due to social gathering restrictions placed on the north pole , the reindeer took their games to a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to Belleville .
I don ’ t think there ’ s a single child here on the Nice List , so we ’ ve barely been .
It ’ s just a stretch of darkness so we thought we ’ d be safe , ” explained Cupid , clearly shaken by the day ’ s events .
The news has already spread through most of the world with many mourning the death of the beloved leader of Santa ’ s sleigh , with many suffering through stop motion animation to honour his memory @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Clause reportedly seemed blasé about the whole ordeal , saying “ It ’ s about time we switched to headlights anyway , it ’ s 2020 and I ’ m 3000 years old operating a vehicle.
” Rudolph was pronounced dead on the scene at 27 reindeer-years old , making him the newest member of the 27 club that includes the likes of Janis Joplin , Jimi Hendrix , and Mac Miller .

BELLEVILLE, ON – Belleville Police have reported that Rudolph the Reindeer (recognizable from his trademark glowing red nose) has been found dead in the parking lot of a local Wal-Mart. Police have taken 3 other reindeer, Dancer, Prancer, and Comet, into custody under suspicion of foul play.
“The thing is – when they say that ‘all the reindeer loved him,’ they don’t mean it literally. We sort of just loved the service he provided. Kinda like the way you love your Uber eats delivery driver. That being said, none of us would intentionally hurt him,” said Vixen, a fellow reindeer and Rudolph’s former lover. “He was a Trump supporter though. That was kind of weird.”
The other reindeer on the scene report that they were simply playing a reindeer game – a usual way to pass the time for the 364 days of the year when the reindeer face perpetual unemployment. However, due to social gathering restrictions placed on the north pole, the reindeer took their games to a remote location. “No one goes to Belleville. I don’t think there’s a single child here on the Nice List, so we’ve barely been. It’s just a stretch of darkness so we thought we’d be safe,” explained Cupid, clearly shaken by the day’s events.
The news has already spread through most of the world with many mourning the death of the beloved leader of Santa’s sleigh, with many suffering through stop motion animation to honour his memory. When approached for comment, Santa Clause reportedly seemed blasé about the whole ordeal, saying “It’s about time we switched to headlights anyway, it’s 2020 and I’m 3000 years old operating a vehicle.”
Rudolph was pronounced dead on the scene at 27 reindeer-years old, making him the newest member of the 27 club that includes the likes of Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and Mac Miller.


thebeaverton--2020-12-27--Deadbeat dad behind in health care system payments

TORONTO – A negligent father of over 14 million citizens is still behind in health care system payments .
The @ @ @ @ @ to reappear in the family picture when he heard another man named Justin was starting @ @ @ @ @ .
“ You ’ re not their real dad !
” scorned the man from @ @ @ @ @ owed billions on public health and LTC payments .
“ I am their father !
@ @ @ @ @ together , remember ?
” Despite reports that the 56-year-old from Etobicoke has plenty of @ @ @ @ @ on the province ’ s federal uncle who is more willing to take on more @ @ @ @ @ The premier has plans to upstage the suitor by buying every Ontario resident a flashy @ @ @ @ @ a motorcycle .

TORONTO – A negligent father of over 14 million citizens is still behind in health care system payments.
The unprepared political parent only started to reappear in the family picture when he heard another man named Justin was starting to play a caregiver role.
“You’re not their real dad!” scorned the man from a press podium who already owed billions on public health and LTC payments. “I am their father! Me! We made cheesecake together, remember?”
Despite reports that the 56-year-old from Etobicoke has plenty of money, he will rely on the province’s federal uncle who is more willing to take on more responsibility as a father.
The premier has plans to upstage the suitor by buying every Ontario resident a flashy present before taking off on a motorcycle.


thebeaverton--2020-12-27--Precocious orphan affects English accent in desperate bid for “s’more”

LONDON , ON – Having pursued multiple avenues to acquire additional portions of food , local orphan Gordon Durnin has adopted an English accent in an audacious attempt to get “ s ’ more.
” “ S ’ more , ” which in street slang of London , Ontario means “ some more food , ” is an aspiration for many , who regularly get a single portion of food , or “ s ’ me , ” but can only get a second portion ( “ s ’ more ” ) by appealing to government officials , parish beadles @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s strategy is founded on a commonly held Canadian belief that English children are cuter and more deserving of extra food .
“ It ’ s a mug ’ s game , innit ?
” said Durnin .
“ Bully !
If I gots a wolly for every shilling I been turned up for in the previous fortnight , I ’ d be the right wolly-king !
But e ’ er since I huffed this brolly brogue , e ’ ry sandcastle that wobbles by here , sure as my left tit , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
I is up to me knees in s ’ more , I is !
Ne ’ er could I go back to the maple-tongue !
” Durnin ’ s gambit has got the attention of other orphans who troll for s ’ more on the city ’ s streets .
“ I was quite skeptical at first ” said Winston Carmichael , another orphan and an acquaintance of Durnin .
“ How can adopting an obnoxious accent lead to s ’ more ?
But the results speak for themselves .
I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more for months now , to no avail , but I saw Gordon get five s ’ mores in less than ten minutes , all because of his made up affectation .
Call me mister jealousy , I guess.
” Matt Turtledove , a manager of a Food Basics and resident of the neighbourhood where Durnin plies his trade , is amazed by the maturity of the young orphan .
“ What is he ?
Eight ?
” exclaimed Turtledove .
“ When I was that age , I didn ’ t even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , let alone be able to talk like the England-people do .
He is very very mature for his age .
Mentally.
” When asked what aspiring orphans should do in their quest for s ’ more , Durnin had the following advice : “ So you ’ s hard up for some smilly-smoretown , hey ginger ?
Well come downtown to the bolly boggs he ’ self , he tell you how to s ’ more up for the wimma !
Jus ’ smack your letters , turn ‘ em twisty tarvy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ye gots yerself a baggins o ’ s ’ more shilly shallying all over the cobbleswotch !
Ne ’ er ha Gordo Longnuts been so rolly !
Tis a sizzen-poof , it is !
”

LONDON, ON – Having pursued multiple avenues to acquire additional portions of food, local orphan Gordon Durnin has adopted an English accent in an audacious attempt to get “s’more.”
“S’more,” which in street slang of London, Ontario means “some more food,” is an aspiration for many, who regularly get a single portion of food, or “s’me,” but can only get a second portion (“s’more”) by appealing to government officials, parish beadles, or sympathetic passersby. Durnin’s strategy is founded on a commonly held Canadian belief that English children are cuter and more deserving of extra food.
“It’s a mug’s game, innit?” said Durnin. “Bully! If I gots a wolly for every shilling I been turned up for in the previous fortnight, I’d be the right wolly-king! But e’er since I huffed this brolly brogue, e’ry sandcastle that wobbles by here, sure as my left tit, give it up for the old schooner! I is up to me knees in s’more, I is! Ne’er could I go back to the maple-tongue!”
Durnin’s gambit has got the attention of other orphans who troll for s’more on the city’s streets.
“I was quite skeptical at first” said Winston Carmichael, another orphan and an acquaintance of Durnin. “How can adopting an obnoxious accent lead to s’more? But the results speak for themselves. I’ve been asking people for s’more for months now, to no avail, but I saw Gordon get five s’mores in less than ten minutes, all because of his made up affectation. Call me mister jealousy, I guess.”
Matt Turtledove, a manager of a Food Basics and resident of the neighbourhood where Durnin plies his trade, is amazed by the maturity of the young orphan.
“What is he? Eight?” exclaimed Turtledove. “When I was that age, I didn’t even know there was a place called England, let alone be able to talk like the England-people do. He is very very mature for his age. Mentally.”
When asked what aspiring orphans should do in their quest for s’more, Durnin had the following advice: “So you’s hard up for some smilly-smoretown, hey ginger? Well come downtown to the bolly boggs he’self, he tell you how to s’more up for the wimma! Jus’ smack your letters, turn ‘em twisty tarvy, and soon e’now, ye gots yerself a baggins o’ s’more shilly shallying all over the cobbleswotch! Ne’er ha Gordo Longnuts been so rolly! Tis a sizzen-poof, it is!”
Have a sizzen-poof holidays, Canada.


thebeaverton--2020-12-28--“My, how you’ve grown,” report nation’s wolves-in-grandma’s clothes

OTTAWA – Across Canada , thousands of wolves-in-grandma ’ s clothes expressed delight at how much their “ grandchildren ” have grown since the last time they ’ ve seen them .
“ Uh why are my ears so big ?
What a direct and observant question , little Tommy !
I guess , all the better to hear you with my dear… yeah let ’ s go with that , ” stuttered one particular wolf adorned in an old-timey bonnet .
“ Now how about you scooch on closer to your grandma , I don ’ t have me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what it used to be.
” The sentiments of these wolves-in-grandma ’ s clothes tend to border ‘ creepy ’ and ‘ totally normal and non-intrusive coming from family.
’ In particular , many grandchildren have reported that they were told they ’ ve “ really filled out , eh ?
” from the drooling and glassy-eyed canine imposters .
The Public Health Agency of Canada warns that in addition to the dangers of exacerbating the virus that visiting family during the holidays presents , most wolf-on-child crime occurs when visiting elderly relations @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this discussion ?
My big beefy are all the better to hug you with my dear , ” snarled a slack-jawed wolf , snapping a set of knitting needles .
Moments before a gruesome incident of pedicide , an Amazon Alexa caught a wolf-in-grandma ’ s clothes saying , “ Ugh what now , my teeth ?
!
My cartoonishly , large , pointy teeth ?
!
Well if you must know dearheart , they ’ re all the better to eat you with , you rude little dumbass !
” For now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from untimely and folksy death seems to be keeping them away from anyone presenting as elderly and adorable .

OTTAWA – Across Canada, thousands of wolves-in-grandma’s clothes expressed delight at how much their “grandchildren” have grown since the last time they’ve seen them.
“Uh why are my ears so big? What a direct and observant question, little Tommy! I guess, all the better to hear you with my dear… yeah let’s go with that,” stuttered one particular wolf adorned in an old-timey bonnet. “Now how about you scooch on closer to your grandma, I don’t have me glasses and my eyesight isn’t what it used to be.”
The sentiments of these wolves-in-grandma’s clothes tend to border ‘creepy’ and ‘totally normal and non-intrusive coming from family.’ In particular, many grandchildren have reported that they were told they’ve “really filled out, eh?” from the drooling and glassy-eyed canine imposters.
The Public Health Agency of Canada warns that in addition to the dangers of exacerbating the virus that visiting family during the holidays presents, most wolf-on-child crime occurs when visiting elderly relations.
“How are we still having this discussion? My big beefy are all the better to hug you with my dear,” snarled a slack-jawed wolf, snapping a set of knitting needles.
Moments before a gruesome incident of pedicide, an Amazon Alexa caught a wolf-in-grandma’s clothes saying, “Ugh what now, my teeth?! My cartoonishly, large, pointy teeth?! Well if you must know dearheart, they’re all the better to eat you with, you rude little dumbass!”
For now, the only way to protect children from untimely and folksy death seems to be keeping them away from anyone presenting as elderly and adorable.


thebeaverton--2020-12-28--Nation’s Victorian great uncles announce plans to marry their wards

YORK — In a joint statement to the press , a consortium of Victorian-era great uncles this week made public their intentions to marry the rich , orphaned heiresses under their legal guardianship .
“ It is our solemn resolution to join in domestic bliss and binding financial partnership with our wards , ” announced Baron Aldous Grenville to a collection of reporters wearing press credentials in the brims of their top hats , “ Thus protecting them from wayward young men who don ’ t own even one deeply foreboding manor ” .
Baron Grenville further disclosed that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ until they are of age , and anyone who attempts their rescue will be sent as a prisoner to the Australian colonies .
The young women have thus far voiced strong opposition to marrying anyone so perfectly dreadful and many have protested by throwing slate boards at governesses , running across the moors , and fainting .
“ It feels only a fortnight since my father and mother , being of great means , died tragically in a carriage accident , ” said Clarissa Waterhouse of her dire circumstances , “ and now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
Gross ” .
Isabella Yarwood , of the Yarwood fortune , has taken to sneaking away to her ‘ secret garden ’ where she is digging an escape tunnel : “ It was either this or set my crinoline skirt on fire , ” said Yarwood , shoveling dirt furiously , “ I simply refuse to wed Bishop Isaiah .
He ’ s not even my third hottest cousin !
” But all is not lost for the women .
In defiance to the great uncles , an alliance of alluringly dark @ @ @ @ @ @ @ marry have announced their own plans to move into the neighbouring estate .

YORK — In a joint statement to the press, a consortium of Victorian-era great uncles this week made public their intentions to marry the rich, orphaned heiresses under their legal guardianship.
“It is our solemn resolution to join in domestic bliss and binding financial partnership with our wards,” announced Baron Aldous Grenville to a collection of reporters wearing press credentials in the brims of their top hats, “Thus protecting them from wayward young men who don’t own even one deeply foreboding manor”.
Baron Grenville further disclosed that the brides-to-be will be confined within their chambers until they are of age, and anyone who attempts their rescue will be sent as a prisoner to the Australian colonies.
The young women have thus far voiced strong opposition to marrying anyone so perfectly dreadful and many have protested by throwing slate boards at governesses, running across the moors, and fainting.
“It feels only a fortnight since my father and mother, being of great means, died tragically in a carriage accident,” said Clarissa Waterhouse of her dire circumstances, “and now I am to marry Lord Wyndham Brocklehurst? Gross”.
Isabella Yarwood, of the Yarwood fortune, has taken to sneaking away to her ‘secret garden’ where she is digging an escape tunnel: “It was either this or set my crinoline skirt on fire,” said Yarwood, shoveling dirt furiously, “I simply refuse to wed Bishop Isaiah. He’s not even my third hottest cousin!”
But all is not lost for the women. In defiance to the great uncles, an alliance of alluringly dark, moody bachelors who intend not to marry have announced their own plans to move into the neighbouring estate.


thebeaverton--2020-12-29--Death of print media leaves spy exposed

Death of print media leaves spy exposed

REDACTED – The widespread proliferation of newspapers once guaranteed covert operatives like John Stuggs a portable piece of cover , now agents like him are left with only their smartphones in the field .
“ You used to be able to crack open the paper and enjoy a nice day in the park while eavesdropping on enemies of the state .
Now everything ’ s moves so damned fast , ” John said wistfully .
For John , operating his phone on a mission is a logistical challenge .
“ It ’ s impossible to get this narrow rectangle to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ explained .
“ I ’ ve sprained my neck getting the angle right , I can only feign like I ’ m taking a selfie for so long .
John believes that prolonged workplace exposure to his phone is having an adverse effect on his health .
“ I have difficulty sleeping , my brother thinks it ’ s because my job is to violate the rights of activists on behalf of the state , but I think it ’ s all that blue light.
” Having a phone constantly at his side @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s globetrotting work .
“ When I used to undercover at an exotic locale I could kind of do my own thing , maybe pursue an unfulfilling romantic subplot , now my work can reach me all the time , it ’ s like I ’ ve got no privacy being a spy.
” Changing phones during operations means John frequently loses his contact information .
While his exorbitant roaming charges are taxpayer-funded , resolving the issue with payroll is bothersome .
“ I miss how it was , you know ?
back @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we wanted with impunity… Now we ’ ve got everyone ’ s information on these little devices anyway… Maybe my time has come and gone… ” At press time , a discarded paper rustled in the wind .

REDACTED – The widespread proliferation of newspapers once guaranteed covert operatives like John Stuggs a portable piece of cover, now agents like him are left with only their smartphones in the field.
“You used to be able to crack open the paper and enjoy a nice day in the park while eavesdropping on enemies of the state. Now everything’s moves so damned fast,” John said wistfully.
For John, operating his phone on a mission is a logistical challenge. “It’s impossible to get this narrow rectangle to cover my whole face,” he explained. “I’ve sprained my neck getting the angle right, I can only feign like I’m taking a selfie for so long.
John believes that prolonged workplace exposure to his phone is having an adverse effect on his health. “I have difficulty sleeping, my brother thinks it’s because my job is to violate the rights of activists on behalf of the state, but I think it’s all that blue light.”
Having a phone constantly at his side has changed the nature of John’s globetrotting work. “When I used to undercover at an exotic locale I could kind of do my own thing, maybe pursue an unfulfilling romantic subplot, now my work can reach me all the time, it’s like I’ve got no privacy being a spy.”
Changing phones during operations means John frequently loses his contact information. While his exorbitant roaming charges are taxpayer-funded, resolving the issue with payroll is bothersome.
“I miss how it was, you know? back when guys like me could do whatever we wanted with impunity… Now we’ve got everyone’s information on these little devices anyway… Maybe my time has come and gone…”
At press time, a discarded paper rustled in the wind.


thebeaverton--2020-12-29--Ford slams feds for not testing his finance minister returning from vacation

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford denounced the federal government for not testing his cabinet minister Rod Phillips and others who are returning from international vacations .
Phillips was reportedly not given any kind of COVID test after ignoring advice not to travel from public health officials .
“ I ’ m extremely alarmed that only 25 % of my caucus members reported quarantining after travelling outside the country , ” explained Ford at a press conference .
“ There are photos of [ Phillips ] on Twitter show him interacting with members of the public dated on the day @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Somebody has to be held accountable !
” Ford renewed his promise that if the federal government isn ’ t going to start a testing program , he will find a more competent province to do it .
“ If negligent people , like sworn MPPs entrusted with managing Ontario ’ s budget , can walk the streets after arriving from a coronavirus hotbed , we have a huge problem , ” added Ford .
Meanwhile , Rod Phillips explained that if he ever heard of the coronavirus , he would have never @ @

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford denounced the federal government for not testing his cabinet minister Rod Phillips and others who are returning from international vacations.
Phillips was reportedly not given any kind of COVID test after ignoring advice not to travel from public health officials.
“I’m extremely alarmed that only 25% of my caucus members reported quarantining after travelling outside the country,” explained Ford at a press conference. “There are photos of [Phillips] on Twitter show him interacting with members of the public dated on the day he should have been in quarantine! Somebody has to be held accountable!”
Ford renewed his promise that if the federal government isn’t going to start a testing program, he will find a more competent province to do it.
“If negligent people, like sworn MPPs entrusted with managing Ontario’s budget, can walk the streets after arriving from a coronavirus hotbed, we have a huge problem,” added Ford.
Meanwhile, Rod Phillips explained that if he ever heard of the coronavirus, he would have never travelled.


thebeaverton--2020-12-29--Report: Praying Mantises not as good at Kung Fu as legends claim

TORONTO , ON – A new study from the University of Toronto ’ s Centre for Martial Arts Research is suggesting that the long-held belief that mantis style kung fu was learned from watching actual mantis moves may in fact be apocryphal , as all the insect test subject involved appear unable to fight for shit .
“ Our experiment consisted of a few quick matches between various species of mantis and human volunteers , ” said lead researcher Martina Leung .
“ The result was almost all of the mantises suffering fatal injuries regardless of their opponents skill level.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ if we really needed the humans to sign all those waivers.
” Additional testing in the study is indicating that , in addition to not knowing kung fu , mantises lack any skill in martial arts at all .
“ We found that your average praying mantis can ’ t focus their chi well enough to break even a single tile .
At this point , I ’ d have to say Cockroach with Nothing to Lose style is a more viable martial art form than mantis style.
” Leung plans to expand @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the plausibility of other animal-themed martial arts .
“ So far monkey and crane style techniques seem doubtful , but tiger and bear are holding right up.
” At press time , mantis style experts were currently reorganizing the art to be more scientifically accurate .
The revised version mainly revolves around marrying one ’ s opponent and then biting their heads off .

TORONTO, ON – A new study from the University of Toronto’s Centre for Martial Arts Research is suggesting that the long-held belief that mantis style kung fu was learned from watching actual mantis moves may in fact be apocryphal, as all the insect test subject involved appear unable to fight for shit.
“Our experiment consisted of a few quick matches between various species of mantis and human volunteers,” said lead researcher Martina Leung. “The result was almost all of the mantises suffering fatal injuries regardless of their opponents skill level.”
“Kind of makes me wonder if we really needed the humans to sign all those waivers.”
Additional testing in the study is indicating that, in addition to not knowing kung fu, mantises lack any skill in martial arts at all. “We found that your average praying mantis can’t focus their chi well enough to break even a single tile. At this point, I’d have to say Cockroach with Nothing to Lose style is a more viable martial art form than mantis style.”
Leung plans to expand on her research with related studies about the plausibility of other animal-themed martial arts. “So far monkey and crane style techniques seem doubtful, but tiger and bear are holding right up.”
At press time, mantis style experts were currently reorganizing the art to be more scientifically accurate. The revised version mainly revolves around marrying one’s opponent and then biting their heads off.


thebeaverton--2020-12-30--Makers of Period Shits™ announce release of new morning product ‘Oops, all farts!’

A spokesperson for Menstruation Inc. announced at a press conference last Friday that the company is launching a new product in the new year .
Aptly named ‘ Oops , all farts ’ , the new product resembles the old model Period Shits both in the foreboding intestinal sensation it causes in the user , as well as in the urgency with which it sends them running for a toilet .
Once there , however , rather than the usual deluge , users can expect to undergo “ the human whoopee cushion experience.
” The announcement caused quite a stir @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the brand since the company ’ s creation .
Experts speculate that this historic lack of innovation despite the widely unpopular nature of their products stems from half the human population ’ s automatic and compulsory forty-year subscription to their services .
In keeping with this total disregard for customer experience , the company was delighted to confirm that focus groups indicate both products , whether used independently or in tandem , are equally dissatisfactory .
The likely cause for this change in strategy is the replacement of recently retired creative director @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sanguinelle .
The company is planning several major changes now helmed by Sanguinelle ’ s daughter , the much younger and self-proclaimed “ prankster ” Flo ( of former Progressive car insurance fame ) .
Sources close to Sanguinelle claim that the upheaval began with the scatological department because of the possibility of targeting a much wider market by collaborating with other giants in the bodily fluid industry such as IBS & co. , Hangovers R Us , and Food Poisoning Ltd. , all members of the cabal known as Big Shit .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ out for collaborations with platforms like Buzzfeed on quizzes such as “ Do you need to pee again , or is your diva cup pressing on your bladder ?
” , and “ Choose how many pickles to stick into this ice cream sundae and we ’ ll tell you how many days away you are from staining your freshly changed white sheets ” ; as well as an extensive ad campaign featuring their detested mascot Bloody Mary .

A spokesperson for Menstruation Inc. announced at a press conference last Friday that the company is launching a new product in the new year. Aptly named ‘Oops, all farts’, the new product resembles the old model Period Shits both in the foreboding intestinal sensation it causes in the user, as well as in the urgency with which it sends them running for a toilet. Once there, however, rather than the usual deluge, users can expect to undergo “the human whoopee cushion experience.”
The announcement caused quite a stir, as it marks the first addition to the brand since the company’s creation. Experts speculate that this historic lack of innovation despite the widely unpopular nature of their products stems from half the human population’s automatic and compulsory forty-year subscription to their services. In keeping with this total disregard for customer experience, the company was delighted to confirm that focus groups indicate both products, whether used independently or in tandem, are equally dissatisfactory.
The likely cause for this change in strategy is the replacement of recently retired creative director of operations Florence “Aunt Flo” Sanguinelle. The company is planning several major changes now helmed by Sanguinelle’s daughter, the much younger and self-proclaimed “prankster” Flo (of former Progressive car insurance fame). Sources close to Sanguinelle claim that the upheaval began with the scatological department because of the possibility of targeting a much wider market by collaborating with other giants in the bodily fluid industry such as IBS&co., Hangovers R Us, and Food Poisoning Ltd., all members of the cabal known as Big Shit.
Fans of the company can also look out for collaborations with platforms like Buzzfeed on quizzes such as “Do you need to pee again, or is your diva cup pressing on your bladder?”, and “Choose how many pickles to stick into this ice cream sundae and we’ll tell you how many days away you are from staining your freshly changed white sheets”; as well as an extensive ad campaign featuring their detested mascot Bloody Mary.


thebeaverton--2020-12-30--Update: Ontario Finance Minister staffers prematurely tweet staged quarantine photos before he arriv

Update: Ontario Finance Minister staffers prematurely tweet staged quarantine photos before he arrives home

AJAX , ON – Staffers of Ontario Finance Minister Rod Phillips accidentally released images of the minister staying inside his @ @ @ @ @ on vacation .
“ I have started my required 14 day quarantine , ” lied @ @ @ @ @ “ I would like to thank all of the frontline health care workers for all @ @ @ @ @ Remember to stay home .
# SupportOurFrontlineHealthWorkers.
” Pretending Phillips is back from his vacation @ @ @ @ @ more difficult for political aides than pretending Phillips was in Ontario when in fact he @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I stayed up til 3 AM photoshopping [ Phillips ] into a Ukrainian @ @ @ @ @ ” complained an unkempt 24-year-old political science graduate to the exhausted 23-year-old political science graduate @ @ @ @ @ minister ’ s vacation .
“ And now this happens !
” The premature announcement @ @ @ @ @ most junior staffer not knowing how Hootsuite works .
According to sources , staffers agreed @ @ @ @ @ a wig for the minister ’ s next announcement .

AJAX, ON – Staffers of Ontario Finance Minister Rod Phillips accidentally released images of the minister staying inside his home while he was still on vacation.
“I have started my required 14 day quarantine,” lied the social media post. “I would like to thank all of the frontline health care workers for all of their hard work. Remember to stay home. #SupportOurFrontlineHealthWorkers.”
Pretending Phillips is back from his vacation is proving to be much more difficult for political aides than pretending Phillips was in Ontario when in fact he was in a tropical paradise.
“I stayed up til 3 AM photoshopping [Phillips] into a Ukrainian Christmas celebration for nothing,” complained an unkempt 24-year-old political science graduate to the exhausted 23-year-old political science graduate after news broke about the minister’s vacation. “And now this happens!”
The premature announcement was promptly blamed on the most junior staffer not knowing how Hootsuite works.
According to sources, staffers agreed to take turns on wearing a wig for the minister’s next announcement.


thebeaverton--2020-12-30--“I like to put a little maple syrup in there to start my day,” says man drinking mug of maple syrup

OSHAWA – A man currently guzzling an entire mug of maple syrup admitted today that he likes to put a little maple syrup in there to get his day started right .
“ We all know that feeling when it ’ s tough to get the motor running , ” said Ron Dalstein , a cheque-kiting enthusiast from Oshawa .
“ So I find just a touch of maple syrup in your maple syrup really makes it feel like a treat.
” While many Canadians enjoy the sweet taste of tree blood on pancakes and waffles , some like Dalstein @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has sparked debate amongst his friends .
“ I guess it explains the mood swings , ” said Dalstein ’ s doubles badminton partner .
“ And everything being so sticky around him .
I think we all figured he was just masturbating to excess.
” “ But it ’ s really no different than putting truffles in butter , ” said Jeff , a pet insurance fraudster .
“ Or almonds in milk , it ’ s two great tastes that go great together.
” Dalstein ’ s family physician did express @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sweetness being poured into Dalstein ’ s body on a regular basis .
“ He ’ s so far managed to avoid diabetes , the man must have a pancreas to rival Cookie Monster ’ s .
I have advised him to mix in a coffee every once in a while but it ’ s his life.
” Dalstein ’ s dentist was less concerned .
“ He ’ s going to put my kid ’ s kids through college at this rate , ” said Sandra Murray DDS .
“ That mouth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” But Dalstein remains undeterred .
“ I love it , it puts a smile on my face every time , ” he said , slurring a little through partially stuck together lips .
“ I think it ’ s the idea of giving myself a pick-me-up , that I deserve a little something extra just because .
Either that , or the half kilogram of sugar coursing through my veins .
”

OSHAWA – A man currently guzzling an entire mug of maple syrup admitted today that he likes to put a little maple syrup in there to get his day started right.
“We all know that feeling when it’s tough to get the motor running,” said Ron Dalstein, a cheque-kiting enthusiast from Oshawa. “So I find just a touch of maple syrup in your maple syrup really makes it feel like a treat.”
While many Canadians enjoy the sweet taste of tree blood on pancakes and waffles, some like Dalstein prefer a more direct approach. This has sparked debate amongst his friends.
“I guess it explains the mood swings,” said Dalstein’s doubles badminton partner. “And everything being so sticky around him. I think we all figured he was just masturbating to excess.”
“But it’s really no different than putting truffles in butter,” said Jeff, a pet insurance fraudster. “Or almonds in milk, it’s two great tastes that go great together.”
Dalstein’s family physician did express some concerns at the level of sticky sweetness being poured into Dalstein’s body on a regular basis. “He’s so far managed to avoid diabetes, the man must have a pancreas to rival Cookie Monster’s. I have advised him to mix in a coffee every once in a while but it’s his life.”
Dalstein’s dentist was less concerned. “He’s going to put my kid’s kids through college at this rate,” said Sandra Murray DDS. “That mouth is more filling than teeth these days.”
But Dalstein remains undeterred. “I love it, it puts a smile on my face every time,” he said, slurring a little through partially stuck together lips. “I think it’s the idea of giving myself a pick-me-up, that I deserve a little something extra just because. Either that, or the half kilogram of sugar coursing through my veins.”


thebeaverton--2020-12-30--Uncircumcised man slips on turtleneck

Uncircumcised man slips on turtleneck

CALEDON , ON – An exasperated Gene Snift finally yielded to the many interview requests from giggling reporters about the “ turtleneck incident ” that occured last week .
“ If I ’ m being totally honest , I don ’ t know why we ’ re talking right now , ” Sniff said , tugging at the loose fabric around his neck .
“ Yes , I ’ m uncircumcised .
Yes , I like to wear turtlenecks .
Stop laughing !
What ?
!
” Snift reiterated that he enjoys the warmth and comfort of turtlenecks , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bit of fabric can get cumbersome , he simply rolls down the portion that covers his neck .
When asked why he doesn ’ t opt for a crewneck , Snift highlighted how important having the option to expose or cover his neck was to him .
Beyond Snift ’ s aesthetic penchant for turtlenecks , the reason he shot to notoriety was due to a viral video of him slipping on one of his prized turtlenecks .
The video was captured from his home security cameras and uploaded to YouTube by his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ beige turtleneck and landing on his back , the 57 minute video captures Snift monologuing : “ Dear God , no .
Foiled yet again by the very excess of fabric I have literally put my neck out defending.
” The video goes on to show Snift laying there for an hour , silently crying while softly pounding his fists on the ground .
“ You don ’ t understand I can ’ t stop wearing them , they ’ re kinda my look .
People expect me to show up neck covered @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , dependable !
” Snift huffed .
“ This is barely ironic , if that ’ s what you ’ re getting at .
Maybe Alanis Morissette-level irony.
” At press time , Snift was layering on a scarf before tripping on the tail-end caught under his foot .

CALEDON, ON – An exasperated Gene Snift finally yielded to the many interview requests from giggling reporters about the “turtleneck incident” that occured last week.
“If I’m being totally honest, I don’t know why we’re talking right now,” Sniff said, tugging at the loose fabric around his neck. “Yes, I’m uncircumcised. Yes, I like to wear turtlenecks. Stop laughing! What?!”
Snift reiterated that he enjoys the warmth and comfort of turtlenecks, and while he admitted that sometimes the extra bit of fabric can get cumbersome, he simply rolls down the portion that covers his neck. When asked why he doesn’t opt for a crewneck, Snift highlighted how important having the option to expose or cover his neck was to him.
Beyond Snift’s aesthetic penchant for turtlenecks, the reason he shot to notoriety was due to a viral video of him slipping on one of his prized turtlenecks. The video was captured from his home security cameras and uploaded to YouTube by his chuckling wife.
After tripping on a beige turtleneck and landing on his back, the 57 minute video captures Snift monologuing: “Dear God, no. Foiled yet again by the very excess of fabric I have literally put my neck out defending.” The video goes on to show Snift laying there for an hour, silently crying while softly pounding his fists on the ground.
“You don’t understand I can’t stop wearing them, they’re kinda my look. People expect me to show up neck covered. I’m reliable like that, dependable!” Snift huffed. “This is barely ironic, if that’s what you’re getting at. Maybe Alanis Morissette-level irony.”
At press time, Snift was layering on a scarf before tripping on the tail-end caught under his foot.


thebeaverton--2020-12-30--Ford on seeing Phillips’ tropical Zoom background: “I thought that was Ajax!”

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford insisted that he knew nothing about his finance minister ’ s trip to the Caribbean Island of St. Barts by claiming his Zoom background of palm trees and white sand looked a lot like the GTA city of Ajax .
“ I was deceived by Rod , and I ’ m very disappointed in him , ” said Ford who claims that he knew nothing about the whereabouts of his top lieutenant in cabinet for over two weeks .
“ I just assumed , like everyone else on the Zoom call , that Ajax @ @ @ @ @ @ @ filthy rich.
” Ford said he believed the sailboats and yachts seen floating in a shallow , cyan blue ocean pictured directly behind Rod Phillips during regular cabinet meetings was Ajax ’ s famed waterfront park .
“ Doesn ’ t everyone wear shorts and t-shirts in the middle of December in Ajax ?
” asked Ford with a shrug .
In another meeting Ford insisted that the tiki bar Phillips was drinking at was part of Ajax ’ s sad casino .
“ He better bring the cabinet something from the St. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he ’ s really sorry for what he did , ” demanded Ford .
At press time , Phillips said he deeply regrets getting caught .

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford insisted that he knew nothing about his finance minister’s trip to the Caribbean Island of St. Barts by claiming his Zoom background of palm trees and white sand looked a lot like the GTA city of Ajax.
“I was deceived by Rod, and I’m very disappointed in him,” said Ford who claims that he knew nothing about the whereabouts of his top lieutenant in cabinet for over two weeks. “I just assumed, like everyone else on the Zoom call, that Ajax was an exotic paradise reserved for the filthy rich.”
Ford said he believed the sailboats and yachts seen floating in a shallow, cyan blue ocean pictured directly behind Rod Phillips during regular cabinet meetings was Ajax’s famed waterfront park.
“Doesn’t everyone wear shorts and t-shirts in the middle of December in Ajax?” asked Ford with a shrug.
In another meeting Ford insisted that the tiki bar Phillips was drinking at was part of Ajax’s sad casino.
“He better bring the cabinet something from the St. Barts gift shop to show us that he’s really sorry for what he did,” demanded Ford.
At press time, Phillips said he deeply regrets getting caught.


thebeaverton--2020-12-30--From the creators of Shark Week, comes Shart Week

NATIONWIDE – From the minds that brought you Shark Week , comes an entirely original week-long thrill about accidentally pooping when passing gas , called Shart Week .
“ There I was , alone in the grocery store , ” began executive producer Dan Gibbons in an interview , after being asked where the inspiration for Shart Week came from .
“ I thought I could subtly let one rip while I squatted down to examine the low sodium soy sauces .
Perhaps it was the baked brie from the night before or maybe I put too much faith in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ victim of a vicious shart attack.
” According to Gibbons , the adrenaline rush was so intense that he thought “ wow , this is a week of TV.
” In a statement released by Discovery Channel , Shart Week will combine educational programming with entertainment in a week-long television event that already has fans and forums buzzing with predictions as to which episodes will be the favourites .
“ I am so excited !
” exclaimed Shart Week fanatic , Bethany Saint-James who has bought everyone in her family a shart-tooth necklace @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Personally , I ’ m most looking forward to Caged in Fear : Restless Fury of a Shart , American Sharts , and , when the kids go to bed , Sharts After Dark.
” In an official report released by the network , Shart Week is already being praised for not only providing groundbreaking television but also by bringing awareness , and correcting misconceptions about sharts .
” Most people don ’ t realize that a shart is just an air-poop and there is nothing to fear about that !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Marty McMillian in an episode of Sharts of a Different Colour .
“ The Hammerhead Shart is stubborn but harmless and the Bull Shart only appears at night .
However , the one you do want to avoid , and the one that is the most dangerous to humans , is the Great White Shart.
” Discovery Channel has also promised programming for kids .
Starting Friday night and ending Sunday – “ the Shweekend ” – families can learn all about the safety of swimming with sharts , by watching trained @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sharting .
Then , later in the evening , popular arist and children ’ s host Neil Buchanan will recreate one of his famous , larger-than-life art portraits in a “ Big Shart Attack.
” Shart week is scheduled to air the week after Thanksgiving which , according to the press , is the week people are the most carbed , clogged , and susceptible to sharts .
The network has already announced reality TV show Shart Tank is in the works , with Kevin O ’ Leary attached .

NATIONWIDE – From the minds that brought you Shark Week, comes an entirely original week-long thrill about accidentally pooping when passing gas, called Shart Week.
“There I was, alone in the grocery store,” began executive producer Dan Gibbons in an interview, after being asked where the inspiration for Shart Week came from. “I thought I could subtly let one rip while I squatted down to examine the low sodium soy sauces. Perhaps it was the baked brie from the night before or maybe I put too much faith in a fart because I was suddenly a victim of a vicious shart attack.” According to Gibbons, the adrenaline rush was so intense that he thought “wow, this is a week of TV.”
In a statement released by Discovery Channel, Shart Week will combine educational programming with entertainment in a week-long television event that already has fans and forums buzzing with predictions as to which episodes will be the favourites.
“I am so excited!” exclaimed Shart Week fanatic, Bethany Saint-James who has bought everyone in her family a shart-tooth necklace, with proceeds going to shart conservation. “Personally, I’m most looking forward to Caged in Fear: Restless Fury of a Shart, American Sharts, and, when the kids go to bed, Sharts After Dark.”
In an official report released by the network, Shart Week is already being praised for not only providing groundbreaking television but also by bringing awareness, and correcting misconceptions about sharts.
”Most people don’t realize that a shart is just an air-poop and there is nothing to fear about that!” explained expert and long-time shart activist, Marty McMillian in an episode of Sharts of a Different Colour. “The Hammerhead Shart is stubborn but harmless and the Bull Shart only appears at night. However, the one you do want to avoid, and the one that is the most dangerous to humans, is the Great White Shart.”
Discovery Channel has also promised programming for kids. Starting Friday night and ending Sunday – “the Shweekend” – families can learn all about the safety of swimming with sharts, by watching trained divers enter a cage surrounded by people sharting. Then, later in the evening, popular arist and children’s host Neil Buchanan will recreate one of his famous, larger-than-life art portraits in a “Big Shart Attack.”
Shart week is scheduled to air the week after Thanksgiving which, according to the press, is the week people are the most carbed, clogged, and susceptible to sharts.
The network has already announced reality TV show Shart Tank is in the works, with Kevin O’Leary attached.


thebeaverton--2020-12-31--Egyptian authorities announce discovery of 13 completely sealed copies of Shasta McNasty on DVD

CAIRO – The world was rocked today as the Egyptian Ministry of Antiquities unveiled the discovery of 13 completely sealed DVDs of the late 1990s TV show Shasta McNasty .
Rumors surrounding the UPN show have persisted throughout history with scholars continuously debating the merits and even the very existence of the project .
“ The idea of making a UPN sitcom starring Jake Busey about a rap rock group named Shasta McNasty will always hold a dangerous allure for people , ” said Mick Courtland , noted McNastyologist .
“ For so long all we ’ ve had to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ red carpet photos of the 1999 Blockbuster Movie Awards to try and understand how a society allowed this to happen .
So it ’ s very exciting to have some real hard evidence.
” Everyone originally involved with the creation of the show mysteriously disappeared during The CW purges .
Then came a series of ill-fated expeditions into the fabled Heart of McNasty .
This has led to a widely held theory that it was all an elaborate hoax by parent company Viacom to boost interest in their programming slate .
“ Just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trevor Easterbrook , a leading McNasty denier .
“ There ’ s no possible way that was a real TV show that people were going to watch .
And as to these so-called DVDs , I don ’ t buy their authenticity .
What ’ s more likely : that a UPN executive buried a bunch of fake DVDs in an Egyptian tomb ; or that they made a real tv show about a Jake Busey-led rap rock group advertised with the tagline ‘ Why Women Become Lesbians ?
’ ” But others @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hard questions about recent history .
“ This show is real , ” said Caroline Hanover , a professor of media studies at Oxford .
“ They used that tagline , they previewed the show after WWE Smackdown , this happened .
And just because society narrowly avoided total collapse then doesn ’ t mean we can forget how close we came .
Especially now , there ’ s such a demand for content , and the teens who listened to Limp Bizkit and “ got McNasty ” back then are executives now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can from these DVDs , before it ’ s too late.
” At press time every member of the discovery team who gazed upon the pilot episode immediately dissolved into a puddle of Mountain Dew Code Red .

CAIRO – The world was rocked today as the Egyptian Ministry of Antiquities unveiled the discovery of 13 completely sealed DVDs of the late 1990s TV show Shasta McNasty.
Rumors surrounding the UPN show have persisted throughout history with scholars continuously debating the merits and even the very existence of the project.
“The idea of making a UPN sitcom starring Jake Busey about a rap rock group named Shasta McNasty will always hold a dangerous allure for people,” said Mick Courtland, noted McNastyologist. “For so long all we’ve had to rely on were scattered oral histories and red carpet photos of the 1999 Blockbuster Movie Awards to try and understand how a society allowed this to happen. So it’s very exciting to have some real hard evidence.”
Everyone originally involved with the creation of the show mysteriously disappeared during The CW purges. Then came a series of ill-fated expeditions into the fabled Heart of McNasty. This has led to a widely held theory that it was all an elaborate hoax by parent company Viacom to boost interest in their programming slate.
“Just look at the name!” said Trevor Easterbrook, a leading McNasty denier. “There’s no possible way that was a real TV show that people were going to watch. And as to these so-called DVDs, I don’t buy their authenticity. What’s more likely: that a UPN executive buried a bunch of fake DVDs in an Egyptian tomb; or that they made a real tv show about a Jake Busey-led rap rock group advertised with the tagline ‘Why Women Become Lesbians?’”
But others believe this denialism is harmful and avoids hard questions about recent history.
“This show is real,” said Caroline Hanover, a professor of media studies at Oxford. “They used that tagline, they previewed the show after WWE Smackdown, this happened. And just because society narrowly avoided total collapse then doesn’t mean we can forget how close we came. Especially now, there’s such a demand for content, and the teens who listened to Limp Bizkit and “got McNasty” back then are executives now. We need to learn all we can from these DVDs, before it’s too late.”
At press time every member of the discovery team who gazed upon the pilot episode immediately dissolved into a puddle of Mountain Dew Code Red.


thebeaverton--2020-12-31--2020: The year we all became incels

2020: The year we all became incels

OTTAWA – Reports from the nation ’ s uncoupled population indicate that 2020 is the year we all became involuntary celibates .
“ It ’ s been a hard year.
” Says Abby Aquino of Hamilton .
“ My sex life pretty much consists of the 10 minutes I have to myself when my roommate leaves the house once every few weeks to do laundry , ” she says .
Asked about her opinion on “ Chads ” , muscular alpha men who are vilified in the incel community , Aquino answered , “ I mean , sure , I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll take a Mandeep , I ’ ll take a Stacy .
I will take anybody , as long as they ’ re willing and covid free.
” “ Yes , I do self-identify as an incel now , ” Mark de Silva of Halifax claims .
When asked if he agrees with the misogynistic , violent and extremist views associated with the term , De Silva was quick to respond , “ No .
God no .
Just the sex thing .
Also , I wouldn ’ t say I feel @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , really , really , really miss it.
” “ Is there a word for when you ’ re only having sex with a pillow ?
Because that ’ s what I am , ” says Mariam Beridze from Calgary .
“ Mostly I ’ m just against my coupled friends sending me pictures of their cute lives together during the pandemic .
Now , that is what should be considered domestic terrorism.
” Gary Peterson , living in Victoria , says he ’ s been self-identifying as an incel long before the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t appreciate everyone appropriating my identity , ” he said over a Zoom interview last week .
“ It ’ s more than just not being able to have sex .
It ’ s also about having a repulsive personality and a fundamentally misinformed notion of feminism .
It ’ s like , oh you ’ re an incel ?
Name five words you would call a woman that isn ’ t the c-word.
” With the arrival of the vaccine to Canada , there is a chance that 2021 could look different @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , well , for everyone but Gary , probably .

OTTAWA – Reports from the nation’s uncoupled population indicate that 2020 is the year we all became involuntary celibates.
“It’s been a hard year.” Says Abby Aquino of Hamilton. “My sex life pretty much consists of the 10 minutes I have to myself when my roommate leaves the house once every few weeks to do laundry,” she says. Asked about her opinion on “Chads”, muscular alpha men who are vilified in the incel community, Aquino answered, “I mean, sure, I’ll take a Chad. I’ll take a Mandeep, I’ll take a Stacy. I will take anybody, as long as they’re willing and covid free.”
“Yes, I do self-identify as an incel now,” Mark de Silva of Halifax claims. When asked if he agrees with the misogynistic, violent and extremist views associated with the term, De Silva was quick to respond, “No. God no. Just the sex thing. Also, I wouldn’t say I feel entitled to sex. I just really, really, really, really miss it.”
“Is there a word for when you’re only having sex with a pillow? Because that’s what I am,” says Mariam Beridze from Calgary. “Mostly I’m just against my coupled friends sending me pictures of their cute lives together during the pandemic. Now, that is what should be considered domestic terrorism.”
Gary Peterson, living in Victoria, says he’s been self-identifying as an incel long before the pandemic started. “I don’t appreciate everyone appropriating my identity,” he said over a Zoom interview last week. “It’s more than just not being able to have sex. It’s also about having a repulsive personality and a fundamentally misinformed notion of feminism. It’s like, oh you’re an incel? Name five words you would call a woman that isn’t the c-word.”
With the arrival of the vaccine to Canada, there is a chance that 2021 could look different for our nation’s sexless losers, well, for everyone but Gary, probably.


thebeaverton--2020-12-31--Public Health Agency of Canada advises to keep New Year’s kisses “to immediate family only”

OTTAWA – In a desperate attempt to quell the rising spread of COVID-19 , the Public Health Agency of Canada put out a notice today warning Canadians against going out to celebrate New Year ’ s Eve with groups outside of their bubbles , and instead urged them to keep all celebratory kisses to members of their immediate family .
The notice , titled “ Operation Keep It In The Family , ” explained that interfamilial smooching was the only way to get to 2021 without a massive loss of life in the weeks to come , and while having @ @ @ @ @ @ @ swap spit with would obviously make the experience easier , everyone will have to make do with who they have in their home at the time .
Minister of Health Patty Hajdu held a press conference after the statement was issued to assure Canadians that the advice was strictly about flattening the curve , and not about “ getting weird with your weirdly attractive step-siblings.
” “ Listen , we just can ’ t have people out and about kissing sexy strangers in crowded bars .
That ’ s how the virus wins @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by spending the evening only kissing our parents , siblings , and maybe the family dog if he ’ s into it.
” “ We have all spent this past year really getting to know our families better and becoming closer with one another , ” she added .
“ So this is just taking things to the next level .
Let ’ s all band together to save lives and go into the New Year with a healthy dose of new intergenerational trauma.
” PHAC ’ s advisory was met with immediate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ premier Doug Ford insisting that he and his family had already made celebratory cottage smooching plans .
“ Folks , it ’ s very important to stay safe , ” Ford insisted .
“ The only lips that should be touching yours New Year ’ s Eve are those you love in a familial , platonic way .
So take it from me : I won ’ t be kissing anyone unless it ’ s my wife- or , of course , the CEO of a big business.
” The health notice made @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Year ’ s without their immediate family could link up and make out with one household of their choice .

OTTAWA – In a desperate attempt to quell the rising spread of COVID-19, the Public Health Agency of Canada put out a notice today warning Canadians against going out to celebrate New Year’s Eve with groups outside of their bubbles, and instead urged them to keep all celebratory kisses to members of their immediate family.
The notice, titled “Operation Keep It In The Family,” explained that interfamilial smooching was the only way to get to 2021 without a massive loss of life in the weeks to come, and while having “aggressively hot cousins” around to swap spit with would obviously make the experience easier, everyone will have to make do with who they have in their home at the time.
Minister of Health Patty Hajdu held a press conference after the statement was issued to assure Canadians that the advice was strictly about flattening the curve, and not about “getting weird with your weirdly attractive step-siblings.”
“Listen, we just can’t have people out and about kissing sexy strangers in crowded bars. That’s how the virus wins” she explained. “We win by spending the evening only kissing our parents, siblings, and maybe the family dog if he’s into it.”
“We have all spent this past year really getting to know our families better and becoming closer with one another,” she added. “So this is just taking things to the next level. Let’s all band together to save lives and go into the New Year with a healthy dose of new intergenerational trauma.”
PHAC’s advisory was met with immediate praise from provincial leaders, with Ontario premier Doug Ford insisting that he and his family had already made celebratory cottage smooching plans.
“Folks, it’s very important to stay safe,” Ford insisted. “The only lips that should be touching yours New Year’s Eve are those you love in a familial, platonic way. So take it from me: I won’t be kissing anyone unless it’s my wife- or, of course, the CEO of a big business.”
The health notice made sure to state that anyone celebrating New Year’s without their immediate family could link up and make out with one household of their choice.


thebeaverton--2020-12-31--“2020 strikes again!” says man undergoing long overdue divorce

HAMILTON – After years of percolating marital tension and resentment , Michael Toredo has proclaimed that the recent dissolution of his marriage is just another victim of the dreaded year 2020 .
“ Yep , the only explanation for Brenda leaving me is the completely unavoidable shitstorm brought on by the fates this year , ” exclaimed Toredo who had been systematically neglecting his wife for at the better part of the previous decade , “ It was clear that no matter how much I tried , there was just no escaping what this year had in store for everyone.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ predictable end to his marriage had nothing to do with a lengthy history of forgotten anniversaries , poor communication , and prolonged episodes of infidelity .
Instead , he argues , the inexplicably mercurial and arbitrary pattern of catastrophies brought on during 2020 has pointed its fickle finger at his otherwise healthy union .
“ I did everything right .
I said sorry every time I forgot to pick her up from work , I learned what food she liked to cook , I even got her a card after her mother died @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I guess 2020 just needed yet another notch on its old belt.
” Friends of the couple have confirmed that , while 2020 has chosen its victims and calamities to befall humanity capriciously , the Toredos were not one of them .
Indeed , many present at the 2015 wedding who observed Michael brag about his sexual history during his wedding speech gave them no more than five years , max .
“ It ’ s really not fair .
I ’ m just another poor pedestrian in front of the runaway bus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” philosophized Michael as he packed up his collection of vintage erotica he kept clearly visible in their living room when Brenda ’ s parents came over , “ If only I had some warning !
” “ First the pandemic , then Ruth Bader Ginsberg , then me !
” he continued , “ I guess these things really do happen in threes.
” Though Brenda in fact left the matrimonial home in 2019 to stay with her sister , following Toredo ’ s 2018 affair with his massage therapist , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is truly to blame .
“ What ’ s so ironic is that this is the fourth time that a particular year has forced my marriage to come to a grinding halt , ” Toredo lamented , referencing his previous three divorces , “ But I ’ m confident the next one will stick !
”

HAMILTON – After years of percolating marital tension and resentment, Michael Toredo has proclaimed that the recent dissolution of his marriage is just another victim of the dreaded year 2020.
“Yep, the only explanation for Brenda leaving me is the completely unavoidable shitstorm brought on by the fates this year,” exclaimed Toredo who had been systematically neglecting his wife for at the better part of the previous decade, “It was clear that no matter how much I tried, there was just no escaping what this year had in store for everyone.”
Toredo had maintained that the completely predictable end to his marriage had nothing to do with a lengthy history of forgotten anniversaries, poor communication, and prolonged episodes of infidelity. Instead, he argues, the inexplicably mercurial and arbitrary pattern of catastrophies brought on during 2020 has pointed its fickle finger at his otherwise healthy union.
“I did everything right. I said sorry every time I forgot to pick her up from work, I learned what food she liked to cook, I even got her a card after her mother died!” bemoaned Toredo, “but I guess 2020 just needed yet another notch on its old belt.”
Friends of the couple have confirmed that, while 2020 has chosen its victims and calamities to befall humanity capriciously, the Toredos were not one of them. Indeed, many present at the 2015 wedding who observed Michael brag about his sexual history during his wedding speech gave them no more than five years, max.
“It’s really not fair. I’m just another poor pedestrian in front of the runaway bus of 2020, completely blindsided by destiny,” philosophized Michael as he packed up his collection of vintage erotica he kept clearly visible in their living room when Brenda’s parents came over, “If only I had some warning!”
“First the pandemic, then Ruth Bader Ginsberg, then me!” he continued, “I guess these things really do happen in threes.”
Though Brenda in fact left the matrimonial home in 2019 to stay with her sister, following Toredo’s 2018 affair with his massage therapist, Toredo remains confident that the year 2020 is truly to blame.
“What’s so ironic is that this is the fourth time that a particular year has forced my marriage to come to a grinding halt,” Toredo lamented, referencing his previous three divorces, “But I’m confident the next one will stick!”


thebeaverton--2020-12-31--Best Breakout Actors of 2020 and who their famous dads are!

HOLLYWOOD , CA – Acting is notoriously difficult to break into , but this year ’ s up-and-comers used hard work to beat the odds !
These rising stars have the charisma , drive , and genetic facial symmetry needed to make anyone a star .
In celebration of fresh talent and the meritocracy Hollywood objectively is , we ’ re sharing our top 5 breakout actors of 2020 – who coincidentally have really famous dads !
Lily Collins Star of 2020 ’ s hate-watch hit Emily in Paris , Lilly dazzled as the titular Emily – a character with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ qualified candidates who could really use the money .
Her dad may be rocker Phil Collins , but he wasn ’ t the Genesis of her career !
Maude Apatow Maude insisted on auditioning for her role in The King of Staten Island , even though producers made it clear she didn ’ t need to and they wouldn ’ t be seeing any other actors .
When asked if he used his industry clout to help Maude ’ s career , dad Judd Apatow responded , “ No !
I used my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in 2017.
” John David Washington Washington had a huge year , starring in 2020 ’ s biggest and only theatrical release , Tenet .
Despite his famous dad , John insists he had a normal childhood : “ I did chores , I played outside , I had Spike Lee at my 9th birthday party – just like most kids.
” When overwhelmed by dad , actor/director/producer Denzel Washington , John always seeks normalcy with his mother , actor/singer/pianist Pauletta Washington .
Hailey Baldwin Not even an actor , Hailey has racked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are actually trying .
When asked if she credits her stardom to her father ( Viva Rock Vegas ’ s Stephen Baldwin ) , Hailey ’ s spokesperson would only comment , “ You know she ’ s married to Justin Bieber , right ?
” This unborn child This fetus of Emma Roberts is already generating Oscar buzz – its 18-week ultrasound was featured in A Minnesota Man !
Supported by mom Emma Roberts and great-aunt Julia Roberts , Baby Roberts would have to be a real Eric Roberts to ruin its @ @ @ @

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Acting is notoriously difficult to break into, but this year’s up-and-comers used hard work to beat the odds!
These rising stars have the charisma, drive, and genetic facial symmetry needed to make anyone a star. In celebration of fresh talent and the meritocracy Hollywood objectively is, we’re sharing our top 5 breakout actors of 2020 – who coincidentally have really famous dads!
Lily Collins
Star of 2020’s hate-watch hit Emily in Paris, Lilly dazzled as the titular Emily – a character with bewildering career success despite the many more qualified candidates who could really use the money. Her dad may be rocker Phil Collins, but he wasn’t the Genesis of her career!
Maude Apatow
Maude insisted on auditioning for her role in The King of Staten Island, even though producers made it clear she didn’t need to and they wouldn’t be seeing any other actors. When asked if he used his industry clout to help Maude’s career, dad Judd Apatow responded, “No! I used my clout to get myself that stand-up special in 2017.”
John David Washington
Washington had a huge year, starring in 2020’s biggest and only theatrical release, Tenet. Despite his famous dad, John insists he had a normal childhood: “I did chores, I played outside, I had Spike Lee at my 9th birthday party – just like most kids.” When overwhelmed by dad, actor/director/producer Denzel Washington, John always seeks normalcy with his mother, actor/singer/pianist Pauletta Washington.
Hailey Baldwin
Not even an actor, Hailey has racked up more on-screen credits than people who are actually trying. When asked if she credits her stardom to her father (Viva Rock Vegas’s Stephen Baldwin), Hailey’s spokesperson would only comment, “You know she’s married to Justin Bieber, right?”
This unborn child
This fetus of Emma Roberts is already generating Oscar buzz – its 18-week ultrasound was featured in A Minnesota Man! Supported by mom Emma Roberts and great-aunt Julia Roberts, Baby Roberts would have to be a real Eric Roberts to ruin its chances of success.


thebeaverton--2020-02-02--Saskatchewan residents furious over local sports network’s decision to air Super Bowl instead of 201

Saskatchewan residents furious over local sports network’s decision to air Super Bowl instead of 2013 Grey Cup replay

Regina , Saskatchewan – Residents all across the province of Saskatchewan are furious over a local television network ’ s decision to air Super Bowl LIV over a reply of the 2013 Grey Cup that saw the Saskatchewan Roughriders defeat the Hamilton Tiger-Cats to claim their fourth championship .
“ It ’ s an unforgivable decision , I don ’ t know a single person that wants to watch that minor league game when they could be re-experiencing the single greatest moment of their lifetime for the eighth time this week , ” explained 46-year old Tommy Dikali while wearing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ The Grey Cup is a beloved Saskatchewan tradition that takes place every single Sunday of the year and I don ’ t know why anyone would try to change that.
” Reports state that the average resident of Saskatchewan owns more Saskatchewan Roughriders branded clothing than all other clothing brands put together .
Anyone found not wearing at least one piece of green and white clothing on any given day could see themselves fined for up to $ 2345 .
Residents are expected to protest the decision of choosing the Super Bowl @ @ @ @ @ @ @ before eventually heading home to re-paint their faces green .

Regina, Saskatchewan – Residents all across the province of Saskatchewan are furious over a local television network’s decision to air Super Bowl LIV over a replay of the 2013 Grey Cup that saw the Saskatchewan Roughriders defeat the Hamilton Tiger-Cats to claim their fourth championship.
“It’s an unforgivable decision, I don’t know a single person that wants to watch that minor league game when they could be re-experiencing the single greatest moment of their lifetime for the eighth time this week,” explained 46-year old Tommy Dikali while wearing a brand new Kory Sheets jersey. “The Grey Cup is a beloved Saskatchewan tradition that takes place every single Sunday of the year and I don’t know why anyone would try to change that.”
Reports state that the average resident of Saskatchewan owns more Saskatchewan Roughriders branded clothing than all other clothing brands put together. Anyone found not wearing at least one piece of green and white clothing on any given day could see themselves fined for up to $2345.
Residents are expected to protest the decision of choosing the Super Bowl over the Roughriders for a few hours before eventually heading home to re-paint their faces green.


thebeaverton--2020-02-02--Violence devastates otherwise respectful Calgary-Edmonton hockey relationship

CALGARY – Two Alberta NHL teams and their fans are trying to heal after a devastating game that was marred by unexpected violence and childish name calling last night in Calgary .
The game , dubbed ‘ The Friendly Meeting of Alberta , ’ started peacefully after the ceremonial puck was dropped marking the NHL ’ s Head Injury Awareness Week , but the pacifist Canadian sport was ripped apart by players who turned into agitated beasts .
“ I couldn ’ t believe what I was seeing , ” said an Oilers fans who also loves and appreciates Calgary @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at the television for Matthew [ Tkachuk ] and Ethan [ Bear ] to stop and think about how they ’ re disappointing all of us .
This kind of toxic masculinity has no place in the game.
” Fans attempted to discourage the line brawl by shaming them with silence while others turned their heads in disgust .
“ I thought [ goaltenders ] Mike Smith and Cam Talbot were removing their gloves and helmet to shake hands in a sign of sportsmanship and goodwill towards their teams , ” said a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to have fun at games .
“ Couldn ’ t they have just used their words and talk things out like adults ?
” The two hockey communities will now have a long road back to an amicable relationship built on trust , mutual respect , and peaceful cooperation .

CALGARY – Two Alberta NHL teams and their fans are trying to heal after a devastating game that was marred by unexpected violence and childish name calling last night in Calgary.
The game, dubbed ‘The Friendly Meeting of Alberta,’ started peacefully after the ceremonial puck was dropped marking the NHL’s Head Injury Awareness Week, but the pacifist Canadian sport was ripped apart by players who turned into agitated beasts.
“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” said an Oilers fans who also loves and appreciates Calgary as a team. “I screamed at the television for Matthew [Tkachuk] and Ethan [Bear] to stop and think about how they’re disappointing all of us. This kind of toxic masculinity has no place in the game.”
Fans attempted to discourage the line brawl by shaming them with silence while others turned their heads in disgust.
“I thought [goaltenders] Mike Smith and Cam Talbot were removing their gloves and helmet to shake hands in a sign of sportsmanship and goodwill towards their teams,” said a horrified Flames fan who just wants everyone to have fun at games. “Couldn’t they have just used their words and talk things out like adults?”
The two hockey communities will now have a long road back to an amicable relationship built on trust, mutual respect, and peaceful cooperation.


Breaking: U.S. government

WASHINGTON , D.C. – After chugging along for almost 250 years , the U.S. government looks to be on its last legs .
“ It ’ s not the oldest government , and by virtually every metric it ’ s not the best government , but it ’ s… uh , well , it was a government , ” says Kyle Pratchett , one of the many onlookers gathering outside the U.S. Capitol Building to witness the end and pay their respects .
“ And hey , it got us to the moon a few times .
That was pretty @ @ @ @ @ @ @ snapping sound can be heard for miles around the U.S. capitol as the government of what was once the world ’ s most powerful country cracks , splinters and rends following years of corruption , mismanagement and neglect .
Most experts are skeptical as to whether the U.S. government can ever be returned to working order .
“ Once something is this far gone , it ’ s really difficult to make it functional again .
At this point , it ’ s probably easier and safer to just get rid of it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says governmental analyst Katrina Winters .
“ And our old government can always be donated .
With a few minor tweaks it could easily find a second life as a house of horrors for a struggling theme park.
” “ Plus , we ’ ve learned so much from this one , the next one ’ s bound to be stronger .
Like , now we know that women and people of color are also human beings , so we can take that into account from the beginning rather than trying to tack @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t really work out.
” At press time , numerous members of the U.S. Congress were seen puppeteering the broken form of the government in an attempt to pretend it was still functional in a manner eerily reminiscent of the 1980s comedy film Weekend at Bernie ’ s .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After chugging along for almost 250 years, the U.S. government looks to be on its last legs.
“It’s not the oldest government, and by virtually every metric it’s not the best government, but it’s… uh, well, it was a government,” says Kyle Pratchett, one of the many onlookers gathering outside the U.S. Capitol Building to witness the end and pay their respects. “And hey, it got us to the moon a few times. That was pretty cool.”
An increasingly loud and ominous snapping sound can be heard for miles around the U.S. capitol as the government of what was once the world’s most powerful country cracks, splinters and rends following years of corruption, mismanagement and neglect. Most experts are skeptical as to whether the U.S. government can ever be returned to working order.
“Once something is this far gone, it’s really difficult to make it functional again. At this point, it’s probably easier and safer to just get rid of it and get a new one,” says governmental analyst Katrina Winters. “And our old government can always be donated. With a few minor tweaks it could easily find a second life as a house of horrors for a struggling theme park.”
“Plus, we’ve learned so much from this one, the next one’s bound to be stronger. Like, now we know that women and people of color are also human beings, so we can take that into account from the beginning rather than trying to tack it on later, which didn’t really work out.”
At press time, numerous members of the U.S. Congress were seen puppeteering the broken form of the government in an attempt to pretend it was still functional in a manner eerily reminiscent of the 1980s comedy film Weekend at Bernie’s.


thebeaverton--2020-01-31--Boris Johnson, fellow Brexiters celebrate Scottish Independence Day

LONDON – Tens of thousands of Brexiters came out to celebrate the main cause of Scotland ’ s independence from @ @ @ @ @ Prime Minister Boris Johnson , who was given a majority government to seek Scotland ’ @ @ @ @ @ , remarked that this was a “ moment of hope ” for the Scottish people @ @ @ @ @ this important day , February 1st , 2020 , that will see the end of @ @ @ @ @ it .
“ We are finally free , ” said one inebriated supporter whose Union @ @ @ @ @ be obsolete in two to five years time once St. Andrew ’ s Cross is @ @ @ @ @ Scotland .
“ God Save the Queen !
”

LONDON – Tens of thousands of Brexiters came out to celebrate the main cause of Scotland’s independence from the United Kingdom.
English Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who was given a majority government to seek Scotland’s separation from the UK, remarked that this was a “moment of hope” for the Scottish people.
Crowds across England marked this important day, February 1st, 2020, that will see the end of Great Britain as they know it.
“We are finally free,” said one inebriated supporter whose Union Jack he was waving will be obsolete in two to five years time once St. Andrew’s Cross is a symbol of an independent Scotland. “God Save the Queen!”
Scottish Independence Day also coincides with United Ireland Day.


thebeaverton--2020-01-31--12-year-old girl ready to take on world after purchase of puka shell necklace

CALGARY , AB — Grade 4 student and fifth in line for being most popular , Cydney Applebaum , has reported feeling ecstatic after her recent purchase of a white puka shell necklace on a recent family vacation .
“ I was totally freaking out , ” exclaimed an enthusiastic Applebaum .
“ As we were ending our third day in Cocoa Beach , I realized I didn ’ t have anything yet to prove I had actually been away in Florida .
Like sure , my hair was in full cornrows and the burns on my chest and face @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but I was worried people wouldn ’ t notice .
Thank goodness as I was walking down the boardwalk a woman came up to me with the most unique necklace I ’ ve ever seen.
” “ And it was only $ 27.99 .
That ’ s , like , a steal !
” While Mrs. Applebaum , Cydney ’ s mother , most definitely did not think it was a steal , she was happy to please her daughter and end the “ non-stop whine-a-thon ” that had occurred for the second @ @ @ @ @ @ @ most upper middle class parents have faced the the fear of not buying their children the perfect “ on vacation gift ” .
While many un-cool parents contend the vacation itself is “ gift enough ” , what is not being taken into account is that “ experiences ” hold zero currency in middle school .
“ She looked really sophisticated , ” confirmed Cydney ’ s third best friend Chelsea .
“ The necklace is really making all the right people notice Cyd , including Michael A .
Last year when she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ got a was a postcard , and that really dropped her status .
Why would you buy a postcard to a place you had already been ?
I was embarrassed to be seen with her.
” “ The best part of this necklace is it will never go out of style , ” shouted an eager Cydney .
And though Cydney ’ s parent ’ s think she will live to regret the purchase , researches have found that puka necklaces will never truly go out of style , as long as there @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
At press time Cydney ’ s newly found necklace confidence has pushed her to asking for a boy-girl birthday party .

CALGARY, AB — Grade 4 student and fifth in line for being most popular, Cydney Applebaum, has reported feeling ecstatic after her recent purchase of a white puka shell necklace on a recent family vacation.
“I was totally freaking out,” exclaimed an enthusiastic Applebaum. “As we were ending our third day in Cocoa Beach, I realized I didn’t have anything yet to prove I had actually been away in Florida. Like sure, my hair was in full cornrows and the burns on my chest and face were fading into a decent tan, but I was worried people wouldn’t notice. Thank goodness as I was walking down the boardwalk a woman came up to me with the most unique necklace I’ve ever seen.”
“And it was only $27.99. That’s, like, a steal!”
While Mrs. Applebaum, Cydney’s mother, most definitely did not think it was a steal, she was happy to please her daughter and end the “non-stop whine-a-thon” that had occurred for the second leg of their family vacation.
Statistically most upper middle class parents have faced the the fear of not buying their children the perfect “on vacation gift”. While many un-cool parents contend the vacation itself is “gift enough”, what is not being taken into account is that “experiences” hold zero currency in middle school.
“She looked really sophisticated,” confirmed Cydney’s third best friend Chelsea. “The necklace is really making all the right people notice Cyd, including Michael A. Last year when she went on March break, all she got a was a postcard, and that really dropped her status. Why would you buy a postcard to a place you had already been? I was embarrassed to be seen with her.”
“The best part of this necklace is it will never go out of style,” shouted an eager Cydney. And though Cydney’s parent’s think she will live to regret the purchase, researches have found that puka necklaces will never truly go out of style, as long as there are 9-year-old white girls on beach vacations.
At press time Cydney’s newly found necklace confidence has pushed her to asking for a boy-girl birthday party.