thebeaverton--2020-09-23--Braless woman braces for nipply weather

Braless woman braces for nipply weather

MISSISSAUGA , ON 一 Since the start of September , staunch anti-bra advocate Laurel Cobb has been preparing herself and her nipples for colder autumn weather .
“ Fall is definitely the hardest season for us freeboobin ’ folk , ” said the 48 year-old woman while checking the weather app on her phone .
“ In the summer , sure we deal with dreaded under tit sweat , but fall is a constant game of hard vs. soft nips.
” “ But I really don ’ t mind all that much !
There ’ s nothing wrong with letting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up I am about my favourite season !
” Cobb has been vehemently opposed to wearing bras for the past twenty years .
The braless aficionado said it all started when she tried not wearing a bra .
The sensation of freedom was so overpowering that she hasn ’ t gone back since .
“ Oh it sure it nipply out today !
I mean nippy , ” the perfectly content woman chucked .
“ To be quite honest , I think what I do is a public service because everyone can tell @ @ @ @ @ @ @ degrees just by looking at me.
” When onlookers were questioned about Cobb ’ s bold choice of omitting undergarments , most replied that they either “ didn ’ t care ” or “ didn ’ t notice.
” However one passerby expressed white hot jealousy for Cobb ’ s confidence , while tugging at the underwire stabbing into their ribs .
At press time , Cobb was seen standing on her porch , protruding her chest out to determine the direction of the wind .

MISSISSAUGA, ON 一 Since the start of September, staunch anti-bra advocate Laurel Cobb has been preparing herself and her nipples for colder autumn weather.
“Fall is definitely the hardest season for us freeboobin’ folk,” said the 48 year-old woman while checking the weather app on her phone. “In the summer, sure we deal with dreaded under tit sweat, but fall is a constant game of hard vs. soft nips.”
“But I really don’t mind all that much! There’s nothing wrong with letting everyone know how positively excited and perked up I am about my favourite season!”
Cobb has been vehemently opposed to wearing bras for the past twenty years. The braless aficionado said it all started when she tried not wearing a bra. The sensation of freedom was so overpowering that she hasn’t gone back since.
“Oh it sure it nipply out today! I mean nippy,” the perfectly content woman chucked. “To be quite honest, I think what I do is a public service because everyone can tell that the weather is dipping below 10 degrees just by looking at me.”
When onlookers were questioned about Cobb’s bold choice of omitting undergarments, most replied that they either “didn’t care” or “didn’t notice.” However one passerby expressed white hot jealousy for Cobb’s confidence, while tugging at the underwire stabbing into their ribs.
At press time, Cobb was seen standing on her porch, protruding her chest out to determine the direction of the wind.


thebeaverton--2020-09-23--Parents think world-ending catastrophe actually huge opportunity for you

Zoom call , ON – Last Friday during a grueling 12 minute zoom call with your parents , they both explained that the current hopeless , terrible , deadly pandemic restricting everyone to stay inside all day actually presents a huge opportunity for you .
“ The world is your oyster .
You can finally be an astronaut , or a deep sea diver , or even a Dentist , ” said your dad James .
“ You could be the world ’ s fastest runner , or you could buy and own Amazon.com , honestly what ’ s stopping @ @ @ @ @ @ @ right now has literally never happened in your lifetime , or ours for that matter , ” said your mom Janet .
“ You have to make sure you don ’ t miss out on the chance to take advantage of it .
You have to do something now before we go back to normal in 2025.
” Your parents then explained that your shrunken income , lack of social interaction , and the shortage of safe jobs available creates a perfect atmosphere for moving forward with your career and life goals .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ you have so much more time on your hands now , ” explained your mother Janet .
“ There is so much time to gain a new skill , one that would be super useful if there were job opportunities to use said skill .
And with all these people dying , there must be new positions opening up right ?
” After you asked what kind of skill you could work on now that might be useful , your parents then stared in silence at the screen smiling proudly .
After one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ excited ” they were to see how you will use the pandemic to your advantage .
“ Your cousin Peter is learning Spanish with Duolingo , ” said your father .
“ He can ’ t legally go to any place where they speak spanish , and he works as a dog walker but…maybe some of the dogs know spanish better than they know english ?
He ’ s sort of turning this disaster into a success story you know ?
” While your father explained this to you , your mother @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that “ Billionaires made 50 billion more dollars during the pandemic , why don ’ t you try calling some of them up and asking them what they did ?
” “ Once you get out there , you got ta pound that pavement , shake everyone ’ s hand , and drop off some resumes , ” Janet said .
“ Even though no one is physically in the offices where you can drop off the resumes…it ’ s good exercise !
Maybe the janitor will read it before throwing it in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the call by saying they are also super excited to meet your new partner as the Globe & Mail said dating has never been easier , so you must have found someone by now .

Zoom call, ON – Last Friday during a grueling 12 minute zoom call with your parents, they both explained that the current hopeless, terrible, deadly pandemic restricting everyone to stay inside all day actually presents a huge opportunity for you.
“The world is your oyster. You can finally be an astronaut, or a deep sea diver, or even a Dentist,” said your dad James. “You could be the world’s fastest runner, or you could buy and own Amazon.com, honestly what’s stopping you?”
“What is happening right now has literally never happened in your lifetime, or ours for that matter,” said your mom Janet. “You have to make sure you don’t miss out on the chance to take advantage of it. You have to do something now before we go back to normal in 2025.”
Your parents then explained that your shrunken income, lack of social interaction, and the shortage of safe jobs available creates a perfect atmosphere for moving forward with your career and life goals.
“Look on the bright side, you have so much more time on your hands now,” explained your mother Janet. “There is so much time to gain a new skill, one that would be super useful if there were job opportunities to use said skill. And with all these people dying, there must be new positions opening up right?”
After you asked what kind of skill you could work on now that might be useful, your parents then stared in silence at the screen smiling proudly. After one minute, your parents then said how “excited” they were to see how you will use the pandemic to your advantage.
“Your cousin Peter is learning Spanish with Duolingo,” said your father. “He can’t legally go to any place where they speak spanish, and he works as a dog walker but…maybe some of the dogs know spanish better than they know english? He’s sort of turning this disaster into a success story you know?”
While your father explained this to you, your mother looked up some other ideas and discovered that “Billionaires made 50 billion more dollars during the pandemic, why don’t you try calling some of them up and asking them what they did?”
“Once you get out there, you gotta pound that pavement, shake everyone’s hand, and drop off some resumes,” Janet said. “Even though no one is physically in the offices where you can drop off the resumes…it’s good exercise! Maybe the janitor will read it before throwing it in the trash!”
Your parents ended the call by saying they are also super excited to meet your new partner as the Globe & Mail said dating has never been easier, so you must have found someone by now.


thebeaverton--2020-09-23--Wall adjacent to Breonna Taylor’s apartment grateful for justice to have been served

LOUISVILLE , KY – After a botched narcotics raid resulted in the murder of 26-year-old EMT Breonna Taylor this March , a grand jury announced today that ex-officer Brett Hankison would face three counts of Wanton Endangerment in the First Degree for shooting through Taylor ’ s wall into other apartments .
This comes as a relief to the wall itself , which , after months of waiting , finally received the justice it deserves .
“ You can ’ t imagine the horrors this wall has been through , ” its lawyer exclaimed .
“ All those months spent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ finally recognize that it , an inanimate structure made of wood , plaster , and insulation foam , is the true victim in this whole situation .
This verdict means so much to every wall that has ever faced police brutality in this country.
” “ With this result , we can finally put the # nojusticenopeace hashtag to bed .
Just hopefully not a bed that the police will shoot at after breaking into the bed ’ s apartment with no warning.
” Annie O ’ Connell , the judge in charge @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stated that the jury ’ s decision was a monumental one that would hopefully set a precedent for all future crimes against innocent architectural structures .
“ For too long have walls suffered , ” she announced to the courtroom , “ It has been all too easy to focus on the blatant injustices done to humans and ignore the rights of the structures that allow us to live free in the United States of America .
But the charges against Mr. Hankison today prove that the rights of Breonna Taylor ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ While the wall itself might never truly recover , hopefully it will view the results of this trial as the first step towards reparations of hundreds of years of neglect and abuse .
Well , that and a quick drywall patching.
” Ex-officer Hankison said a heartfelt apology outside of the courthouse following the verdict .
“ I want to offer my most sincere condolences to her hallway wall , ” he exclaimed .
“ I see now that what I did was wrong , and all it took was months and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ The wall thing , ” he quickly clarified .
“ I truly deserve my- what was it again ?
– five minutes of jail time.
” At press time , President Trump had just rage-tweeted “ WALL LIVES MATTER !
!
!
!
!
!
”

LOUISVILLE, KY – After a botched narcotics raid resulted in the murder of 26-year-old EMT Breonna Taylor this March, a grand jury announced today that ex-officer Brett Hankison would face three counts of Wanton Endangerment in the First Degree for shooting through Taylor’s wall into other apartments.
This comes as a relief to the wall itself, which, after months of waiting, finally received the justice it deserves.
“You can’t imagine the horrors this wall has been through,” its lawyer exclaimed. “All those months spent wondering if the American justice system would finally recognize that it, an inanimate structure made of wood, plaster, and insulation foam, is the true victim in this whole situation. This verdict means so much to every wall that has ever faced police brutality in this country.”
“With this result, we can finally put the #nojusticenopeace hashtag to bed. Just hopefully not a bed that the police will shoot at after breaking into the bed’s apartment with no warning.”
Annie O’Connell, the judge in charge of proclaiming the charges this afternoon, stated that the jury’s decision was a monumental one that would hopefully set a precedent for all future crimes against innocent architectural structures.
“For too long have walls suffered,” she announced to the courtroom, “It has been all too easy to focus on the blatant injustices done to humans and ignore the rights of the structures that allow us to live free in the United States of America. But the charges against Mr. Hankison today prove that the rights of Breonna Taylor’s wall will never again be ignored.”
“While the wall itself might never truly recover, hopefully it will view the results of this trial as the first step towards reparations of hundreds of years of neglect and abuse. Well, that and a quick drywall patching.”
Ex-officer Hankison said a heartfelt apology outside of the courthouse following the verdict.
“I want to offer my most sincere condolences to her hallway wall,” he exclaimed. “I see now that what I did was wrong, and all it took was months and months of nationwide protests to convince me.”
“The wall thing,” he quickly clarified. “I truly deserve my- what was it again? – five minutes of jail time.”
At press time, President Trump had just rage-tweeted “WALL LIVES MATTER!!!!!!”


thebeaverton--2020-09-24--Straw man is idiot

Straw man is idiot

There ’ s a lot of pearl clutching by the ultra-liberal left about my supposedly controversial opinions , but it only takes a little bit of fact checking to confirm without a shadow of a doubt that the straw man I have created to represent them is a complete idiot .
Look no further than the stupid straw man ’ s hysterical demands that we abolish the police .
This would obviously lead to anarchy and unchecked crime in our streets .
Most voices on the left do not want to instantly dissolve all law enforcement and release every convicted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sure ; they instead want to redirect excessive police funding to other agencies better able to deal with the innumerable issues facing communities .
But the dumbass straw man I have built DOES want to instantly dissolve them .
What a buffoon .
Another stupid thing the fictional , imagined straw man wants is for everyone to get constant abortions .
Truly a dystopian and sadistic desire that literally no human person has for society .
But the straw man is not human .
I have made him up so that I could @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been recently informed that he is a communist .
Speaking of communists , the straw man wants to take your home and give it away to a mob !
Have you heard about this ?
It ’ s true !
It sounds nothing like taxing the ludicrously rich among us , which is ostensibly the source idea from which I free-associated it… but yeah .
This straw man I am inventing in real time has some truly appalling desires .
I would now like to draw your attention to my use of a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Clearly I am a learned man .
Also provable by my use of the version of the word “ learned ” that has to be pronounced so it rhymes with “ op-ed ” , which also happens to be the thing I am writing .
I rest my case : I am a genius .
Surely a genius like myself can tell the difference between a straw man and a real human person .
Of course I can !
It is not my desire to engage in debate with ( or respond to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people !
I do , however , draw a palpable , almost sexual energy from watching them sit opposite me and argue PAST me , while I look slightly askance and argue with my beautiful , beguiling straw man entirely on purpose .
“ Systemic racism is a problem with the system and now exists independently of individual racists , ” they might say .
I , meanwhile , make eyes at my glorious , magnetic straw man and say , “ there are black judges .
Explain that.
” Or maybe they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be decriminalized – which is not even the same thing as legalized – because sex workers are human beings with dignity who deserve society ’ s protections.
” But my sexy straw man winks at me and I respond , “ so you want your daughter to be a prostitute , is that what you ’ re saying ?
” Make no mistake : I know it ’ s not what you ’ re saying .
It ’ s what I ’ m saying .
Through the stupid straw man I made up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
And I ’ m WINNING .

By conservative voice of reason Dan Stapleton
There’s a lot of pearl clutching by the ultra-liberal left about my supposedly controversial opinions, but it only takes a little bit of fact checking to confirm without a shadow of a doubt that the straw man I have created to represent them is a complete idiot.
Look no further than the stupid straw man’s hysterical demands that we abolish the police. This would obviously lead to anarchy and unchecked crime in our streets. Most voices on the left do not want to instantly dissolve all law enforcement and release every convicted serial killer back into society tomorrow, sure; they instead want to redirect excessive police funding to other agencies better able to deal with the innumerable issues facing communities. But the dumbass straw man I have built DOES want to instantly dissolve them. What a buffoon.
Another stupid thing the fictional, imagined straw man wants is for everyone to get constant abortions. Truly a dystopian and sadistic desire that literally no human person has for society. But the straw man is not human. I have made him up so that I could discredit him, and I’ve been recently informed that he is a communist.
Speaking of communists, the straw man wants to take your home and give it away to a mob! Have you heard about this? It’s true! It sounds nothing like taxing the ludicrously rich among us, which is ostensibly the source idea from which I free-associated it… but yeah. This straw man I am inventing in real time has some truly appalling desires.
I would now like to draw your attention to my use of a semicolon a couple of paragraphs back. Clearly I am a learned man. Also provable by my use of the version of the word “learned” that has to be pronounced so it rhymes with “op-ed”, which also happens to be the thing I am writing. I rest my case: I am a genius. Surely a genius like myself can tell the difference between a straw man and a real human person.
Of course I can!
It is not my desire to engage in debate with (or respond to the ideas of) real, human people! I do, however, draw a palpable, almost sexual energy from watching them sit opposite me and argue PAST me, while I look slightly askance and argue with my beautiful, beguiling straw man entirely on purpose.
“Systemic racism is a problem with the system and now exists independently of individual racists,” they might say.
I, meanwhile, make eyes at my glorious, magnetic straw man and say, “there are Black judges. Explain that.”
Or maybe they’re saying “sex work should be decriminalized – which is not even the same thing as legalized – because sex workers are human beings with dignity who deserve society’s protections.”
But my sexy straw man winks at me and I respond, “so you want your daughter to be a prostitute, is that what you’re saying?”
Make no mistake: I know it’s not what you’re saying. It’s what I’m saying. Through the stupid straw man I made up.
I’m arguing with myself. And I’m WINNING.


thebeaverton--2020-09-24--Scientists confused, concerned after local man finishes spring mix salad pack before it gets gross

Thunder Bay , ON – Researchers at Lakehead University are baffled and more than a little distressed after discovering that local man Hunter Braddock finished an entire Spring Mix Salad package before it got all gross and slimy .
“ Before today we were unaware it was possible to eat an entire package without at least half the lettuce getting covered with that random black goo , ” said Professor Montrose .
“ I think it ’ s fair to say this changes everything.
” “ Not a mini pack either .
Full size !
By one person !
This @ @ @ @ @ @ @ earth orbited the sun.
” Until today scientists , like the general population , believed that the natural consequence of buying a pre-packaged spring mix salad was that , come garbage day , you had to scrape between 40-90 % of it into your organic garbage while trying not to gag from the smell/texture .
“ Oh god and there is always that one bit that got stuck to the plastic that you have to pick up with your hands and it is simultaneously so squishy and moist that you have nightmares for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ required , ” said Montrose .
When reached for comment Braddock said “ It was hard , eating so much salad that I nearly reached my suggested daily vegetable intake from the food guide .
But with a lot of dedication and perseverance , I did it .
And getting to simply give the plastic a quick rinse and then throw it in the recycling is all the reward I need.
” At press time Braddock still had so much fucking yogurt to throw away it was unbelievable .

Thunder Bay, ON – Researchers at Lakehead University are baffled and more than a little distressed after discovering that local man Hunter Braddock finished an entire Spring Mix Salad package before it got all gross and slimy.
“Before today we were unaware it was possible to eat an entire package without at least half the lettuce getting covered with that random black goo,” said Professor Montrose. “I think it’s fair to say this changes everything.”
“Not a mini pack either. Full size! By one person! This is like when we found out the earth orbited the sun.”
Until today scientists, like the general population, believed that the natural consequence of buying a pre-packaged spring mix salad was that, come garbage day, you had to scrape between 40-90% of it into your organic garbage while trying not to gag from the smell/texture.
“Oh god and there is always that one bit that got stuck to the plastic that you have to pick up with your hands and it is simultaneously so squishy and moist that you have nightmares for weeks! Apparently that isn’t required,” said Montrose.
When reached for comment Braddock said “It was hard, eating so much salad that I nearly reached my suggested daily vegetable intake from the food guide. But with a lot of dedication and perseverance, I did it. And getting to simply give the plastic a quick rinse and then throw it in the recycling is all the reward I need.”
At press time Braddock still had so much fucking yogurt to throw away it was unbelievable.


thebeaverton--2020-09-24--Man with eyepatch tired of people assuming he’s interesting

BARRIE , ON – Local everyman Paul Huller is reportedly fed up with the misconception that he lives an exciting life due to the fact he wears an eyepatch .
“ I honestly don ’ t know where people get the idea that I ’ ve had some sort of life of adventure , ” Huller said , leaning against his motorcycle he doesn ’ t ride anymore .
“ I ’ m always getting asked if I ’ ve ever been to the Bermuda Triangle , or how many people I ’ ve killed , and other questions you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ adjuster.
” Huller largely blames popular culture for creating unrealistic expectations for people with eyepatches .
“ People like Dan Crenshaw and Kurt Russell have set this false narrative that just because you cover one eye , you must laugh in the face of danger.
” “ News flash : the only thing I ’ ve ever pirated is Madagascar 3 !
” Huller ’ s friends and family can further attest to his boring lifestyle .
“ When Paul and his family first moved in , I was prepared for trouble , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ But then I found out the tattoo he has of a cobra eating a wolverine is just a weird birthmark , and then he didn ’ t seem so scary after that.
” Other aspects of Huller ’ s image that are misleading include the houseboat he lives on for insurance purposes , the flask he only ever drinks water out of , and the leather jacket he bought from Value Village .
At press time , Huller has to only wear the eyepatch for another week until his lazy eye @ @ @

BARRIE, ON – Local everyman Paul Huller is reportedly fed up with the misconception that he lives an exciting life due to the fact he wears an eyepatch.
“I honestly don’t know where people get the idea that I’ve had some sort of life of adventure,” Huller said, leaning against his motorcycle he doesn’t ride anymore. “I’m always getting asked if I’ve ever been to the Bermuda Triangle, or how many people I’ve killed, and other questions you wouldn’t normally ask your claims adjuster.”
Huller largely blames popular culture for creating unrealistic expectations for people with eyepatches. “People like Dan Crenshaw and Kurt Russell have set this false narrative that just because you cover one eye, you must laugh in the face of danger.”
“News flash: the only thing I’ve ever pirated is Madagascar 3!”
Huller’s friends and family can further attest to his boring lifestyle. “When Paul and his family first moved in, I was prepared for trouble,” said next door neighbour Olivia When. “But then I found out the tattoo he has of a cobra eating a wolverine is just a weird birthmark, and then he didn’t seem so scary after that.”
Other aspects of Huller’s image that are misleading include the houseboat he lives on for insurance purposes, the flask he only ever drinks water out of, and the leather jacket he bought from Value Village.
At press time, Huller has to only wear the eyepatch for another week until his lazy eye is better.


thebeaverton--2020-09-24--Premier Ford injures hands from repetitive finger-wagging

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford was sent to the emergency room after injuring both hands from repetitive finger-wagging during a recent COVID-19 press conference .
Ford ’ s two index fingers are reportedly sprained from scorning those who he believes are responsible for spreading the coronavirus as well as residents , businesses , and other governments he feels aren ’ t pulling their weight .
“ Teachers ’ unions , the federal government , people hosting large parties…it ’ s just too much for one premier to shake his fist at , ” said one emergency room doctor at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Premier .
“ His dad-like lectures and threats to turn this government around has taken a huge toll on the tendons in his fingers .
and may develop into carpal tunnel syndrome ” Yesterday ’ s meeting with the media was cut short after the Premier hyper-extended both of his wrists after expressing his disappointment at a small-business owner and Health Canada .
“ He will have to wear hand braces and take two weeks off from answering questions about the lack of testing , ” said the Premier ’ s occupational @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wave , which the provincial government had six-months to prepare for , Ford will pivot from finger-wagging to finger-pointing .

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford was sent to the emergency room after injuring both hands from repetitive finger-wagging during a recent COVID-19 press conference.
Ford’s two index fingers are reportedly sprained from scorning those who he believes are responsible for spreading the coronavirus as well as residents, businesses, and other governments he feels aren’t pulling their weight.
“Teachers’ unions, the federal government, people hosting large parties…it’s just too much for one premier to shake his fist at,” said one emergency room doctor at St. Michael’s Hospital who evaluated the Premier. “His dad-like lectures and threats to turn this government around has taken a huge toll on the tendons in his fingers. and may develop into carpal tunnel syndrome”
Yesterday’s meeting with the media was cut short after the Premier hyper-extended both of his wrists after expressing his disappointment at a small-business owner and Health Canada.
“He will have to wear hand braces and take two weeks off from answering questions about the lack of testing,” said the Premier’s occupational therapist.
In response to the second wave, which the provincial government had six-months to prepare for, Ford will pivot from finger-wagging to finger-pointing.


thebeaverton--2020-09-24--Government promises to fulfill promises it promised five years ago

OTTAWA – In a speech from the throne opening the new session of Parliament , the Liberal Party outlined their plan to get around to doing what they promised five years ago .
“ We ’ re so sorry , guys , we totally spaced , ” said Governor General Julie Payette , reading the government ’ s remarks to a socially distant Senate chamber .
“ Just remembered about daycare and systemic racism .
Oh man , we were going to reform EI too ?
Good thing our heads are attached to our bodies , eh ?
But we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to it this time , for real.
” The government responded to criticism that Canada ’ s response to COVID-19 would have been better had these measures been passed when the Liberals were first elected with a majority government , the prime minister stated in a televised address that “ when we made these promises in 2015 , what we meant was that we would sit on them for 5 years and then announce them all at once in order to bait the Conservatives into an election .
Pretty sure that was spelled @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back up the prime minister , saying that passing such progressive legislation was more complicated than it seemed .
“ For each of these things you have to have a meeting that takes two whole hours , where Justin tells everyone what to do , ” said a Liberal spokesperson .
“ Then you have to type out a whole bill with just a few thousand people to help .
Then all of our MPs have to wait , like , ten minutes for the little green bus to pick them up outside @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to vote .
We got ta do that shit three times !
Three !
” Sources say it ’ s just the beginning as the government sets off in a bold new direction after COVID-19 , and at next year ’ s speech from the throne , the government will deliver on all the promises made by the Liberal governments in the 90s , with Quebec signing the constitution and funding to prevent Y2K .

OTTAWA – In a speech from the throne opening the new session of Parliament, the Liberal Party outlined their plan to get around to doing what they promised five years ago.
“We’re so sorry, guys, we totally spaced,” said Governor General Julie Payette, reading the government’s remarks to a socially distant Senate chamber. “Just remembered about daycare and systemic racism. Oh man, we were going to reform EI too? Good thing our heads are attached to our bodies, eh? But we promise we’re going to get to it this time, for real.”
The government responded to criticism that Canada’s response to COVID-19 would have been better had these measures been passed when the Liberals were first elected with a majority government, the prime minister stated in a televised address that “when we made these promises in 2015, what we meant was that we would sit on them for 5 years and then announce them all at once in order to bait the Conservatives into an election. Pretty sure that was spelled out on our website.”
Government sources back up the prime minister, saying that passing such progressive legislation was more complicated than it seemed.
“For each of these things you have to have a meeting that takes two whole hours, where Justin tells everyone what to do,” said a Liberal spokesperson. “Then you have to type out a whole bill with just a few thousand people to help. Then all of our MPs have to wait, like, ten minutes for the little green bus to pick them up outside their office and drive them next door to vote. We gotta do that shit three times! Three!”
Sources say it’s just the beginning as the government sets off in a bold new direction after COVID-19, and at next year’s speech from the throne, the government will deliver on all the promises made by the Liberal governments in the 90s, with Quebec signing the constitution and funding to prevent Y2K.


thebeaverton--2020-09-25--BREAKING: Archaeologists uncover the ballot that killed Adolf Hitler

BERLIN ─ After 85 years of searching , a team of archaeologists have finally uncovered what they believe to be the single ballot that killed Adolf Hitler .
“ This is simply astonishing work , ” lead project manager Heinrich Lindemann announced .
“ For decades , we have known that Hitler was killed by a barrage of votes , but now we have the last piece of the puzzle in the defeat of German fascism.
” In the twilight of World War II , the Allies converged on Nazi Germany , beating back the German army with each successive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 1945 , when Adolf Hitler was killed by a paper ballot to the head .
Historians attributed the vote to one Hermann Ziegler , whose diary has now been made public .
It details the long , bloodless , and milquetoast scuffle with an authoritarian , militaristic and genocidal regime , proving definitively that fascists abide by the electoral system .
Excerpts from the diary were released to the public .
A notable passage included , “ We must take down the system which runs death camps , disappears protestors , and scapegoats @ @ @ @ @ @ @ answer , so just vote.
” Family of the late Ziegler described him as a man of conviction , but not too much .
“ I remember grand-dad ’ s stories when I was a child , ” remarked granddaughter Sofia Ziegler .
“ He told horrible stories about the rise of the Nazis , and equally horrible stories about the people who tried to resist them by putting up too much of a fight.
” “ I ’ ll never forget the tears that fell from his face when he lamented the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be arrested by the Gestapo peacefully.
” The ballot has been archived in the Deutsches Historisches Museum , alongside the campaign flyer that hanged Mussolini .

BERLIN ─ After 85 years of searching, a team of archaeologists have finally uncovered what they believe to be the single ballot that killed Adolf Hitler.
“This is simply astonishing work,” lead project manager Heinrich Lindemann announced. “For decades, we have known that Hitler was killed by a barrage of votes, but now we have the last piece of the puzzle in the defeat of German fascism.”
In the twilight of World War II, the Allies converged on Nazi Germany, beating back the German army with each successive campaign. Until on April 30th, 1945, when Adolf Hitler was killed by a paper ballot to the head.
Historians attributed the vote to one Hermann Ziegler, whose diary has now been made public. It details the long, bloodless, and milquetoast scuffle with an authoritarian, militaristic and genocidal regime, proving definitively that fascists abide by the electoral system.
Excerpts from the diary were released to the public. A notable passage included, “We must take down the system which runs death camps, disappears protestors, and scapegoats the vulnerable… but violence is never the answer, so just vote.”
Family of the late Ziegler described him as a man of conviction, but not too much. “I remember grand-dad’s stories when I was a child,” remarked granddaughter Sofia Ziegler. “He told horrible stories about the rise of the Nazis, and equally horrible stories about the people who tried to resist them by putting up too much of a fight.”
“I’ll never forget the tears that fell from his face when he lamented the protestors weren’t allowing themselves to be arrested by the Gestapo peacefully.”
The ballot has been archived in the Deutsches Historisches Museum, alongside the campaign flyer that hanged Mussolini.


thebeaverton--2020-09-25--Local highschooler thinks new wallet chain will prove he’s not fucking around this year

CALGARY , AB – Duncan Mckenzie believes the new chain connecting his quicksilver branded wallet to his pants is really going to turn some heads this year .
“ A lot of kids don ’ t seem to take me seriously , ” said Duncan .
“ But with this new wallet chain , I they ’ ll think twice before they mess with me .
Not only is my wallet now completely safe , but I also demonstrate that I am strong enough to wear this light metal chain all day without any real effort .
2020 is the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s creative choice was reportedly inspired by every other boy who had a wallet chain .
Duncan presumed that the longer and thicker the wallet chain , the tougher the boy must be .
“ That ’ s why I got the bike chain thick version .
I think people will see it and think , ‘ He ’ s not only very tough , but fiscally responsible ’ .
Deborah Peloszi is going to be all over me .
Most of the other boys will probably invite over to all their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Boy , I am going to be busy !
” Teachers at Duncan ’ s high school have not failed to notice how badass Duncan is now that he has a wallet chain .
“ I thought Duncan was a bit of a pussy last year , ” said Helen Pelter , the drama teacher .
“ But once I saw him with that wallet chain , I knew he must be some kind of super rich renegade/drug lord who doesn ’ t take nothin ’ from nobody .
When you combine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ demonstrating he ’ s a pro skater comparable to Tony Hawk , he ’ s got ta be the coolest kid in school now.
” Duncan ’ s bully Robert Derpont reportedly took one look at Duncan and exclaimed , “ Well , looks like my time has come to an end.
” He then cleaned out his locker and walked out the front door , knowing he would never bully again .
Dona Freedman , Duncan ’ s school principal , worries about the intimidating landscape of the school now that there @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Don ’ t get me wrong , this kid looks cool as fuck , ” said Ms. Freedman , lighting a cigarette while staring out the window toward the playground .
“ But what effect is this ladykiller going to have on my school ?
If he gets mixed up with the kids wearing Che Guevera shirts , we might have a full on country-wide revolution in our hands , ” chuckled Ms. Freedman , extinguishing the cigarette into her own palm .
In related news , Britney Cassamore has chosen to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ school so her classmates will finally understand the “ deep , dark , complicated soul trapped within this upper-middle class teenager ’ s body .
”

CALGARY, AB – Duncan Mckenzie believes the new chain connecting his quicksilver branded wallet to his pants is really going to turn some heads this year.
“A lot of kids don’t seem to take me seriously,” said Duncan. “But with this new wallet chain, I they’ll think twice before they mess with me. Not only is my wallet now completely safe, but I also demonstrate that I am strong enough to wear this light metal chain all day without any real effort. 2020 is the year of the Duncan baby.”
Duncan’s creative choice was reportedly inspired by every other boy who had a wallet chain. Duncan presumed that the longer and thicker the wallet chain, the tougher the boy must be. “That’s why I got the bike chain thick version. I think people will see it and think, ‘He’s not only very tough, but fiscally responsible’. Deborah Peloszi is going to be all over me. Most of the other boys will probably invite over to all their houses on the first day of school. Boy, I am going to be busy!”
Teachers at Duncan’s high school have not failed to notice how badass Duncan is now that he has a wallet chain. “I thought Duncan was a bit of a pussy last year,” said Helen Pelter, the drama teacher. “But once I saw him with that wallet chain, I knew he must be some kind of super rich renegade/drug lord who doesn’t take nothin’ from nobody. When you combine that with his West 49 shirt clearly demonstrating he’s a pro skater comparable to Tony Hawk, he’s gotta be the coolest kid in school now.”
Duncan’s bully Robert Derpont reportedly took one look at Duncan and exclaimed, “Well, looks like my time has come to an end.” He then cleaned out his locker and walked out the front door, knowing he would never bully again.
Dona Freedman, Duncan’s school principal, worries about the intimidating landscape of the school now that there is this new desperado in attendance. “Don’t get me wrong, this kid looks cool as fuck,” said Ms. Freedman, lighting a cigarette while staring out the window toward the playground. “But what effect is this ladykiller going to have on my school? If he gets mixed up with the kids wearing Che Guevera shirts, we might have a full on country-wide revolution in our hands,” chuckled Ms. Freedman, extinguishing the cigarette into her own palm.
In related news, Britney Cassamore has chosen to wear dark eyeliner and a choker to school so her classmates will finally understand the “deep, dark, complicated soul trapped within this upper-middle class teenager’s body.”


thebeaverton--2020-09-25--Egregious: Health Canada refuses to approve Dr. Cornelius Phineus Jedidiah’s Magic COVID Elixir

OTTAWA – Despite the continued threat of a pandemic , Health Canada continues to refuse Dr. Cornelius Phineas Jedidah ’ s Magic COVID Elixir as an approved drug .
“ Those bureaucrats don ’ t want you to have the cure , ” said Dr. Jedidiah from his soapbox to a group of curious on-lookers .
“ Two tablespoons given every hour is guaranteed to cure your coronavirus , chalkstones , jail fever , dropsy , sausage fingers , the Fonzies , wandering jowl , the meat sweats , econolypsy , freezing spleen , fiery consumption as well as improve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ yours for a low , low price of $ 49.99 , but Dr. Jedidiah is offering a special , one-time offer of $ 39.99 if you purchase a box of 12 phials within the next 10 minutes .
“ Stage three clinical trials have already proven a 100 % patient satisfaction rate , but the government quacks won ’ t listen to the testimonies of my brother , cousin , and investors , ” said the travelling doctor who will only be coming to a local market near you .
“ And I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the entrepreneurship spirit of our vaccine and drug manufacturers.
” Dr. Jedidiah paused to confidently grab and stretch his suspenders .
“ My patented treatment has been curing COVID-19 for decades !
Why doesn ’ t your own government want you to have access to a miracle drug that 9 out of 10 Real Housewives have tried !
”

OTTAWA – Despite the continued threat of a pandemic, Health Canada continues to refuse Dr. Cornelius Phineas Jedidah’s Magic COVID Elixir as an approved drug.
“Those bureaucrats don’t want you to have the cure,” said Dr. Jedidiah from his soapbox to a group of curious on-lookers. “Two tablespoons given every hour is guaranteed to cure your coronavirus, chalkstones, jail fever, dropsy, sausage fingers, the Fonzies, wandering jowl, the meat sweats, econolypsy, freezing spleen, fiery consumption as well as improve your constitution.”
The cure could be yours for a low, low price of $49.99, but Dr. Jedidiah is offering a special, one-time offer of $39.99 if you purchase a box of 12 phials within the next 10 minutes.
“Stage three clinical trials have already proven a 100% patient satisfaction rate, but the government quacks won’t listen to the testimonies of my brother, cousin, and investors,” said the travelling doctor who will only be coming to a local market near you. “And I thought here we were trying to capture the entrepreneurship spirit of our vaccine and drug manufacturers.”
Dr. Jedidiah paused to confidently grab and stretch his suspenders.
“My patented treatment has been curing COVID-19 for decades! Why doesn’t your own government want you to have access to a miracle drug that 9 out of 10 Real Housewives have tried!”


thebeaverton--2020-09-25--Jason Kenney furious that throne speech didn’t contain a single poem praising the oil industry

EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney has released a scathing response to this year ’ s throne speech in which he excoriated the federal government for not presenting a single sonnet , ode or even haiku in praise of the fossil fuel industry .
“ Do you know how many words rhyme with ‘ oil ?
’ ” a fuming Kenney asked .
“ Toil .
Coil .
Foil .
Loyal .
This preposterous exclusion really makes my blood boil .
Boil !
There ’ s another one !
” Kenney , who refuses to make any public statement without @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to ‘ his liquid beloved and her brave knights of extraction , ’ believes that the several mentions in the speech of the Liberal government ’ s ongoing support for the energy industry don ’ t go nearly far enough and that at this point only an epic ballad to hydrocarbons read live from memory by Trudeau will be enough to put this matter to rest .
“ The Trudeau government has proven time and again that while they like the oil industry and are willing to spend billions propping up the oil @ @ @ @ @ @ @ love with the oil industry , and that ’ s simply not good enough .
Alberta deserves not just a provincial government that spends every waking moment doting on this treasure , this jewel , this gem of an industry , but a federal one as well , ” Kenney maintained .
“ Forget not the dark mistress of energy , that which all us ken , But give eternal thanks to the stored power of our one and only , our bitumen , ” Kenney said , wiping a single tear from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ collected himself , Kenney also took umbrage with the use of the term ‘ intersectionality ’ in the throne speech , calling the widely accepted idea that race , gender , class and other identities overlap to create different experiences of discrimination “ a kooky academic theory , like evolution , or gravity .
”

EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney has released a scathing response to this year’s throne speech in which he excoriated the federal government for not presenting a single sonnet, ode or even haiku in praise of the fossil fuel industry.
“Do you know how many words rhyme with ‘oil?’” a fuming Kenney asked. “Toil. Coil. Foil. Loyal. This preposterous exclusion really makes my blood boil. Boil! There’s another one!”
Kenney, who refuses to make any public statement without including at least a rhyming couplet dedicated to ‘his liquid beloved and her brave knights of extraction,’ believes that the several mentions in the speech of the Liberal government’s ongoing support for the energy industry don’t go nearly far enough and that at this point only an epic ballad to hydrocarbons read live from memory by Trudeau will be enough to put this matter to rest.
“The Trudeau government has proven time and again that while they like the oil industry and are willing to spend billions propping up the oil industry, they are not passionately in love with the oil industry, and that’s simply not good enough. Alberta deserves not just a provincial government that spends every waking moment doting on this treasure, this jewel, this gem of an industry, but a federal one as well,” Kenney maintained.
“Forget not the dark mistress of energy, that which all us ken,
But give eternal thanks to the stored power of our one and only, our bitumen,” Kenney said, wiping a single tear from his eye.
When he’d collected himself, Kenney also took umbrage with the use of the term ‘intersectionality’ in the throne speech, calling the widely accepted idea that race, gender, class and other identities overlap to create different experiences of discrimination “a kooky academic theory, like evolution, or gravity.”


thebeaverton--2020-09-25--Local man camps out overnight to be first in line for COVID test

MONTREAL – Local man Desmond Burns spent last night camped out in front of his local hospital in order to @ @ @ @ @ COVID test .
“ My parents always told me stories about camping out overnight to @ @ @ @ @ or Zeppelin , ” said Burns , sitting inside his tent in the rain .
@ @ @ @ @ my generation ’ s version of that .
Only instead of Immigrant Song I get @ @ @ @ @ m in mortal danger.
” As demand for COVID tests have dramatically increased , many @ @ @ @ @ hours outside clinics .
But since Burns has work everyday he can ’ t afford @ @ @ @ @ time .
“ At least this way I don ’ t spend all day in @ @ @ @ @ may have COVID , thereby exposing myself to COVID , ” he said as he @ @ @ @ @ At press time Burns had awoken to discover that he ’ d slept in and @ @ @ @ @ already in front of him .

MONTREAL – Local man Desmond Burns spent last night camped out in front of his local hospital in order to ensure he got the first COVID test.
“My parents always told me stories about camping out overnight to get tickets to the Stones or Zeppelin,” said Burns, sitting inside his tent in the rain. “I guess this is my generation’s version of that. Only instead of Immigrant Song I get to hear whether I’m in mortal danger.”
“Their experience sounded a lot more fun,” he added.
As demand for COVID tests have dramatically increased, many have found themselves waiting for hours outside clinics. But since Burns has work everyday he can’t afford to spend that kind of time.
“At least this way I don’t spend all day in close proximity to people who may have COVID, thereby exposing myself to COVID,” he said as he ate his twinkie dinner.
At press time Burns had awoken to discover that he’d slept in and there were now 200 people already in front of him.


thebeaverton--2020-09-26--Feminist win! Supreme Court nominee who thinks women aren’t people is a woman!

WASHINGTON – U.S. President Donald Trump nominated certified # girlboss Judge Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court this afternoon , who , if confirmed , would not only become one of only three women currently on the bench , but the only one who thinks women aren ’ t people !
You go , girl !
Judge Barrett , a staunch religious conservative and member of the Christian organization People of Praise , would be replacing beloved champion of women ’ s rights Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg , a move that Republican white women across the country are calling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ welcome return to the 1950 ’ s !
” “ I looked and I studied , ” an excited President Trump said to Barrett after naming her as his pick , “ and you were the only woman I could find who has the same terrible , backwards views towards your kind that I have and who is also attractive enough for me to sleep with .
I have zero doubt that after you are confirmed , you will do everything you can to help my administration drag women back to where they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
Can you say # Gilead ?
In her acceptance speech , Barrett assured Americans that she wouldn ’ t let her religious beliefs get in the way of her rulings , unless they were at odds , in which case obviously God ’ s will comes first because he ’ s a man .
“ I can ’ t wait to use my position of extraordinary privilege to not only reverse decades of feminist progress in this country , but also to inspire little girls to believe that they can be whatever @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up , whether it ’ s a housewife , a housewife with children , or a housewife with children and a fun hobby , like Bible transcription or calling the secret police to report their neighbors for UnChristian activities.
” “ Above all , ” she continued , “ I promise to work as hard as I can to make sure that someone like me will never be able to be nominated for this position ever again.
” At press time , Barrett had just announced that , if officially confirmed to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her husband make all the hard decisions for her .

WASHINGTON – U.S. President Donald Trump nominated certified #girlboss Judge Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court this afternoon, who, if confirmed, would not only become one of only three women currently on the bench, but the only one who thinks women aren’t people! You go, girl!
Judge Barrett, a staunch religious conservative and member of the Christian organization People of Praise, would be replacing beloved champion of women’s rights Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, a move that Republican white women across the country are calling “a relief” and “a welcome return to the 1950’s!”
“I looked and I studied,” an excited President Trump said to Barrett after naming her as his pick, “and you were the only woman I could find who has the same terrible, backwards views towards your kind that I have and who is also attractive enough for me to sleep with. I have zero doubt that after you are confirmed, you will do everything you can to help my administration drag women back to where they belong: on my lap.”
Haha! Can you say #Gilead?
In her acceptance speech, Barrett assured Americans that she wouldn’t let her religious beliefs get in the way of her rulings, unless they were at odds, in which case obviously God’s will comes first because he’s a man.
“I can’t wait to use my position of extraordinary privilege to not only reverse decades of feminist progress in this country, but also to inspire little girls to believe that they can be whatever they want to be when they grow up, whether it’s a housewife, a housewife with children, or a housewife with children and a fun hobby, like Bible transcription or calling the secret police to report their neighbors for UnChristian activities.”
Wow! So many choices!
“Above all,” she continued, “I promise to work as hard as I can to make sure that someone like me will never be able to be nominated for this position ever again.”
At press time, Barrett had just announced that, if officially confirmed to the Supreme Court, she would be letting her husband make all the hard decisions for her.


thebeaverton--2020-09-26--Man with 200% household debt could run Canada a lot better

AJAX , ON – Local homeowner and heavily indebted man Toby Kowalski is confident he could easily balance the national budget , lower taxes , and cut government waste .
Kowalski provided his analysis from his large suburban home , which he purchased for an inflated price of $ 1.2 million with a 30-year mortgage .
“ Government spending is out of control , ” said the small business owner who wrote off $ 50,000 off in losses last year .
“ We need to make immediate cuts to everything and reduce taxes to stimulate the economy .
“ No @ @ @ @ @ @ @ livelihood is heavily reliant on government subsidies .
The 43-year-old laid out his economic plan for the country using a mix of metaphors and a story about a grasshopper and an ant to convey complicated theories in macroeconomics .
“ It ’ s really that simple , ” said the man who is in $ 20,000 credit card debt and has not even started to pay off his school loan since graduating in 2005 .
“ We can ’ t burden our children with a future national debt , so we ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ child education and health care .
”

AJAX, ON – Local homeowner and heavily indebted man Toby Kowalski is confident he could easily balance the national budget, lower taxes, and cut government waste.
Kowalski provided his analysis from his large suburban home, which he purchased for an inflated price of $1.2 million with a 30-year mortgage.
“Government spending is out of control,” said the small business owner who wrote off $50,000 off in losses last year. “We need to make immediate cuts to everything and reduce taxes to stimulate the economy.
“No handouts either,” he added whose livelihood is heavily reliant on government subsidies.
The 43-year-old laid out his economic plan for the country using a mix of metaphors and a story about a grasshopper and an ant to convey complicated theories in macroeconomics.
“It’s really that simple,” said the man who is in $20,000 credit card debt and has not even started to pay off his school loan since graduating in 2005. “We can’t burden our children with a future national debt, so we’re going to have to cut things like child education and health care.”


thebeaverton--2020-09-26--Beer and board games night ruined by beer and board games

SARNIA , ON- A local friendly gathering known as “ Beer and board games night ” quickly devolved into noisy , aggressive chaos after the appearance of beer and board games .
The night was organized by Dan and Devleena Martinson as a fun new twist on the classic board games night their group of friends has enjoyed for years .
Unfortunately the night took a turn for the worst after the alcohol and board games were combined .
“ You ’ ve got ta be fucking kidding me , dude !
” a severely sloshed Francis Ulston was reported @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over several game pieces .
“ You just did that cause you ’ re shit at Mouse Trap !
” Tensions escalated further as each guest got progressively more drunk with every new board game attempted , boiling over once Dan Martinson was called “ a stupid dipshit who keep fucking me on these wheat deals , ” as well as “ a disgrace to the humble farmers of Catan and all they stand for.
” By the 8th Heinken , all party guest were in a terrible state .
During a Trivial @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tears as he recounted that his wife who recently left him “ could never remember the year we landed on the moon either.
” One guest reportedly grabbed a gameboard and threw it against the wall , exclaiming “ Who ’ s fucking SORRY now ?
!
” The night was brought to an abrupt end when one of the guests puked onto the couple ’ s unused copy of Cards Against Humanity , which immediately improved everyone ’ s mood .
The designated hosts of the group ’ s next get-together say @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and Dungeons & Dragons & Drugs Night will be much better .

SARNIA, ON- A local friendly gathering known as “Beer and board games night” quickly devolved into noisy, aggressive chaos after the appearance of beer and board games.
The night was organized by Dan and Devleena Martinson as a fun new twist on the classic board games night their group of friends has enjoyed for years. Unfortunately the night took a turn for the worst after the alcohol and board games were combined.
“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me, dude!” a severely sloshed Francis Ulston was reported as saying after another guest drunkenly knocked over several game pieces.
“You just did that cause you’re shit at Mouse Trap!”
Tensions escalated further as each guest got progressively more drunk with every new board game attempted, boiling over once Dan Martinson was called “a stupid dipshit who keep fucking me on these wheat deals,” as well as “a disgrace to the humble farmers of Catan and all they stand for.”
By the 8th Heinken, all party guest were in a terrible state. During a Trivial Pursuit question, one guest broke into tears as he recounted that his wife who recently left him “could never remember the year we landed on the moon either.”
One guest reportedly grabbed a gameboard and threw it against the wall, exclaiming “Who’s fucking SORRY now?!”
The night was brought to an abrupt end when one of the guests puked onto the couple’s unused copy of Cards Against Humanity, which immediately improved everyone’s mood.
The designated hosts of the group’s next get-together say they have learned from their mistakes, and Dungeons & Dragons & Drugs Night will be much better.


thebeaverton--2020-09-27--Ontario, Quebec temporarily granted US statehood so Canadians don’t look bad due to COVID-19 cases

TORONTO , USA – The provinces of Ontario and Quebec are now temporarily part of the United States to save Canada ’ s moral superiority on its response to the coronavirus .
The quick save face was unexpectedly announced yesterday by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau who said the former provinces will be donated to the US until rates return to bragging-levels .
“ Governors Legault and Ford are dealing with the situation as best as they can , ” said a diplomatic Trudeau about America ’ s 51st and 52nd states .
“ I can reassure Canadians that we are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as they don ’ t embarrass us with Florida-like community spread.
” “ Ensuring that things always look worse in the US is our number one priority , ” added Trudeau .
The remaining 15 million Canadians were quick to stereotype their former compatriots while gawking at their abysmal coronavirus numbers .
“ I ’ m never , ever going to the State of Ontario , ” said Gladys Smyth of Calgary .
“ They don ’ t even care about this pandemic…and they drink milk out of a bag !
What a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thought it was part of the US .

TORONTO, USA – The provinces of Ontario and Quebec are now temporarily part of the United States to save Canada’s moral superiority on its response to the coronavirus.
The quick save face was unexpectedly announced yesterday by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau who said the former provinces will be donated to the US until rates return to bragging-levels.
“Governors Legault and Ford are dealing with the situation as best as they can,” said a diplomatic Trudeau about America’s 51st and 52nd states. “I can reassure Canadians that we are standing by the other provinces so long as they don’t embarrass us with Florida-like community spread.”
“Ensuring that things always look worse in the US is our number one priority,” added Trudeau.
The remaining 15 million Canadians were quick to stereotype their former compatriots while gawking at their abysmal coronavirus numbers.
“I’m never, ever going to the State of Ontario,” said Gladys Smyth of Calgary. “They don’t even care about this pandemic…and they drink milk out of a bag! What a backwater!”
Meanwhile, Alberta already thought it was part of the US.


thebeaverton--2020-09-27--Torontonians hope cold weather flattens curve of shitty outdoor stand-up comedians

TORONTO – The closure of comedy venues across the city this summer due to the coronavirus has caused an outbreak of Toronto ’ s shittiest and most offensive comedians to spread outside into public parks .
However , with the onset of fall , many Torontonians are hoping that the colder temperatures will help flatten the curve of the unwanted stand-ups .
Melanie Scofield , a frequent visitor to Trinity Bellwoods , recounted how she recently fell prey to one of the outbreaks last week in the form of an open-mic event in the park .
“ It was awful @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thought I was safe .
I thought I had taken all the necessary precautions by staying away from comedy clubs .
But before I knew it , there were ten white dudes with a microphone all making jokes about how they can ’ t make fun of trans people without getting called Nazis .
One of them tried to punch a grandmother when she asked them to stop yelling about ‘ cancel culture ’ to kids walking by.
” “ I walked away , ” she continued .
“ But it was too @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from nausea , stress-induced hives , and dick joke-induced PTSD .
I can only hope that when it starts to snow , their numbers will go down.
” Leslie Hooper , a local stand-up comedian who has enjoyed performing in outdoor spaces this summer , expressed her disappointment that terrible members of her community were infecting the scene at such a rapid rate .
“ Most of us just like making people laugh , ” she said sadly , after reporting a Facebook event advertising a stand-up show composed of ‘ Comedians Who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shitty dudes are spreading so quickly that we have no choice but to pray for winter .
Those types of guys are fragile and particularly susceptible to criticism and cold.
” “ I don ’ t see what the problem is , ” exclaimed Mike Bickerton , a particularly viral stand-up known to have infected several parks in the last few weeks .
“ It ’ s a public space .
We have the right to yell our crappy punchlines about people dying of COVID over our megaphones to crowds of rowdy drunk @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we have to put on coats , that is .
If people can ’ t see my ‘ Suck It , PC Police ’ t-shirt , then it ’ s not worth it .
Me and my boys will just go and hibernate until the spring.
” At press time , the citizens of High Park had all banded together to buy a snow machine in an effort to convince the stand-ups that winter had come extra early this year .

TORONTO – The closure of comedy venues across the city this summer due to the coronavirus has caused an outbreak of Toronto’s shittiest and most offensive comedians to spread outside into public parks. However, with the onset of fall, many Torontonians are hoping that the colder temperatures will help flatten the curve of the unwanted stand-ups.
Melanie Scofield, a frequent visitor to Trinity Bellwoods, recounted how she recently fell prey to one of the outbreaks last week in the form of an open-mic event in the park.
“It was awful,” she recounted. “I thought I was safe. I thought I had taken all the necessary precautions by staying away from comedy clubs. But before I knew it, there were ten white dudes with a microphone all making jokes about how they can’t make fun of trans people without getting called Nazis. One of them tried to punch a grandmother when she asked them to stop yelling about ‘cancel culture’ to kids walking by.”
“I walked away,” she continued. “But it was too late: I’m now suffering from nausea, stress-induced hives, and dick joke-induced PTSD. I can only hope that when it starts to snow, their numbers will go down.”
Leslie Hooper, a local stand-up comedian who has enjoyed performing in outdoor spaces this summer, expressed her disappointment that terrible members of her community were infecting the scene at such a rapid rate.
“Most of us just like making people laugh,” she said sadly, after reporting a Facebook event advertising a stand-up show composed of ‘Comedians Who Have COVID.’ “But apparently these shitty dudes are spreading so quickly that we have no choice but to pray for winter. Those types of guys are fragile and particularly susceptible to criticism and cold.”
“I don’t see what the problem is,” exclaimed Mike Bickerton, a particularly viral stand-up known to have infected several parks in the last few weeks. “It’s a public space. We have the right to yell our crappy punchlines about people dying of COVID over our megaphones to crowds of rowdy drunk people until 2:00 AM.”
“Until we have to put on coats, that is. If people can’t see my ‘Suck It, PC Police’ t-shirt, then it’s not worth it. Me and my boys will just go and hibernate until the spring.”
At press time, the citizens of High Park had all banded together to buy a snow machine in an effort to convince the stand-ups that winter had come extra early this year.


thebeaverton--2020-09-28--Trump tax return reveals he’s on CERB

Trump tax return reveals he’s on CERB

WASHINGTON DC – After a New York Times article revealed President Trump has lied on his federal income tax return in the last fifteen years , a further investigation revealed that Trump has been receiving financial support through the Canadian Emergency Response Benefit ( CERB ) .
According to a source close to Trump , who has chosen to remain anonymous , when the President heard unemployed Canadians were receiving pandemic pay of $ 2,000 a month from the Canadian government , Trump too , decided to apply for the financial assistance program .
“ President Trump may be the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one of the people , ” announced press secretary Kayleigh McEnany in a press conference .
“ So , just like us blue-collar-workers , he too has been hit hard by the pandemic .
Probably even the hardest .
Especially after his one-time $ 1,200 stimulus cheque ran out… ” “ The application was online and very easy to fill out , ” said Trump via phone , after forgetting to disguise his voice .
“ Although , good luck getting a Service Canada representative on the phone .
Not only are the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wrong button and I was stuck yelling at a French automated message .
How do you say ‘ why hasn ’ t my CERB been deposited to my off-shore account yet ’ but in French ?
!
” Trump then went on to tout that as long as he filed out his weekly reports , ensured any additional income was less than a grand , and pinky-promised that he was definitely looking for a job , no one was the wiser .
However , when explained that CERB isn ’ t tax free @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pay tax on it next year , Trump reportedly winked and said “ Guess I ’ ll have to borrow another 300 million from the Russian mob.
” However , now that CERB is ending , Trump took to twitter to threaten Prime Minister Trudeau to extend it or else he ’ d hike tariffs on softwood lumber and/or release another photo of the prime minister in black face .
The New York Times article also revealed that Trump has a TFSA , 700,000 Optimum points , and an SPC card , which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ off at Sunglass Hut .

WASHINGTON DC – After a New York Times article revealed President Trump has lied on his federal income tax return in the last fifteen years, a further investigation revealed that Trump has been receiving financial support through the Canadian Emergency Response Benefit (CERB).
According to a source close to Trump, who has chosen to remain anonymous, when the President heard unemployed Canadians were receiving pandemic pay of $2,000 a month from the Canadian government, Trump too, decided to apply for the financial assistance program.
“President Trump may be the president, but he’s also one of the people,” announced press secretary Kayleigh McEnany in a press conference. “So, just like us blue-collar-workers, he too has been hit hard by the pandemic. Probably even the hardest. Especially after his one-time $1,200 stimulus cheque ran out…”
“The application was online and very easy to fill out,” said Trump via phone, after forgetting to disguise his voice. “Although, good luck getting a Service Canada representative on the phone. Not only are the wait times insane but I pressed the wrong button and I was stuck yelling at a French automated message. How do you say ‘why hasn’t my CERB been deposited to my off-shore account yet’ but in French?!”
Trump then went on to tout that as long as he filed out his weekly reports, ensured any additional income was less than a grand, and pinky-promised that he was definitely looking for a job, no one was the wiser. However, when explained that CERB isn’t tax free and that he’d have to pay tax on it next year, Trump reportedly winked and said “Guess I’ll have to borrow another 300 million from the Russian mob.”
However, now that CERB is ending, Trump took to twitter to threaten Prime Minister Trudeau to extend it or else he’d hike tariffs on softwood lumber and/or release another photo of the prime minister in black face.
The New York Times article also revealed that Trump has a TFSA, 700,000 Optimum points, and an SPC card, which he frequently used to receive 15% off at Sunglass Hut.


thebeaverton--2020-09-28--Thousands of rich Canadians who also pay zero dollars in tax glance around nervously

OTTAWA – In the wake of the New York Times ’ revelation that Donald Trump paid almost no income tax for the last 15 years , Canada ’ s wealthy are really hoping no one notices how little tax they ’ ve been paying for the last 40 years .
“ Oh wow , only $ 750.00 paid in 2016 .
That ’ s just… outrageous , ” said Loblaws heir Galen Weston Jr. “ I definitely , probably , paid at least double that.
” “ Plus I save the taxpayer a ton of money on hair care deductions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ added .
The Times ’ story came as a shock to anyone who forgot Trump openly bragged about this on camera a few years ago , or who didn ’ t read the Panama Papers expose , which uncovered that basically every billionaire in Canada is hiding vast sums of money offshore in order to avoid paying what they owe .
“ I condemn in the strictest terms Donald Trump ’ s actions , ” said Arthur Irving .
“ Specifically the action where he got caught and potentially ruined this scheme for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if you ’ ll excuse me I have to run my quarterly profits through a web of trusts and holding corporations so confusing that the feds basically have no chance of ever learning what I really made .
Ta-Ta.
” Many have expected Justin Trudeau to clamp down on the elite ’ s tax evasion , but unfortunately he is too busy being one of them to do it .

OTTAWA – In the wake of the New York Times’ revelation that Donald Trump paid almost no income tax for the last 15 years, Canada’s wealthy are really hoping no one notices how little tax they’ve been paying for the last 40 years.
“Oh wow, only $750.00 paid in 2016. That’s just… outrageous,” said Loblaws heir Galen Weston Jr. “I definitely, probably, paid at least double that.”
“Plus I save the taxpayer a ton of money on hair care deductions by cutting it myself,” he added.
The Times’ story came as a shock to anyone who forgot Trump openly bragged about this on camera a few years ago, or who didn’t read the Panama Papers expose, which uncovered that basically every billionaire in Canada is hiding vast sums of money offshore in order to avoid paying what they owe.
“I condemn in the strictest terms Donald Trump’s actions,” said Arthur Irving. “Specifically the action where he got caught and potentially ruined this scheme for the rest of us.”
“Now if you’ll excuse me I have to run my quarterly profits through a web of trusts and holding corporations so confusing that the feds basically have no chance of ever learning what I really made. Ta-Ta.”
Many have expected Justin Trudeau to clamp down on the elite’s tax evasion, but unfortunately he is too busy being one of them to do it.


thebeaverton--2020-09-28--Newly engaged couple posts Jimmy Hoffa-level mystery instead of just saying “We’re engaged”

FACEBOOK – Daniel Cropsky and Melanie Vitker have both posted a photo of a skyline with the caption “ We ’ re mine now !
” , and their friends are completely flabbergasted .
“ I am almost certain they are engaged , ” said friend of the couple Ted Moses .
“ But there is no ring , no wording that makes it sound like a good thing has happened , and most importantly , no talk of an engagement .
I ’ ve seen lots of posts like these but this one really leaves us in the dark @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they can be so vague AND basic at the same time.
” After the couple continued to receive comments on the post such as “ Hooray ?
” and “ Are you two engaged , please just say you are now engaged ” , the couple has followed up with a photo of an open door with the caption , “ It all happened here.
” “ WHAT happened there ?
” asked Daniel ’ s mother .
“ I thought they were getting engaged , now I am worried something terrible has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ engagement it would say so , but all this vaguebooking likely means that something awful has happened instead .
I ’ ve called the police and hopefully we get to the bottom of it soon.
” After Daniel tried calling her son , she received a text from her son ’ s number saying “ Looks like two hands are going to be wrapped around each other for a long time.
” The police are moving forward with the assumption that this means the couple has been kidnapped and are currently being bound @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I mean , that ’ s the best case scenario , ” explained detective Blane Patterson .
“ I am trying to be brave , but between the two of us , it could also mean the couple have had their hands cut off , and the kidnapper has sewn them together to fashion some kind of strange idol for ritualistic purposes.
” Friends of Daniel and Melanie have composed a corkboard with photos and string attempting to solve the mystery of their Facebook post .
Several true crime podcasts have also @ @ @ @ @ @ @ notably , Serial will be using the story for their upcoming fourth season .
During press time , the couple has reportedly planned a pregnancy announcement with a video starring members of Cirque du Soleil lighting a ball of yarn on fire and eating it like spaghetti .

FACEBOOK – Daniel Cropsky and Melanie Vitker have both posted a photo of a skyline with the caption “We’re mine now!”, and their friends are completely flabbergasted.
“I am almost certain they are engaged,” said friend of the couple Ted Moses. “But there is no ring, no wording that makes it sound like a good thing has happened, and most importantly, no talk of an engagement. I’ve seen lots of posts like these but this one really leaves us in the dark. I don’t see how they can be so vague AND basic at the same time.”
After the couple continued to receive comments on the post such as “Hooray?” and “Are you two engaged, please just say you are now engaged”, the couple has followed up with a photo of an open door with the caption, “It all happened here.”
“WHAT happened there?” asked Daniel’s mother. “I thought they were getting engaged, now I am worried something terrible has happened. If they were announcing the engagement it would say so, but all this vaguebooking likely means that something awful has happened instead. I’ve called the police and hopefully we get to the bottom of it soon.”
After Daniel tried calling her son, she received a text from her son’s number saying “Looks like two hands are going to be wrapped around each other for a long time.” The police are moving forward with the assumption that this means the couple has been kidnapped and are currently being bound by their hands around some pole.
“I mean, that’s the best case scenario,” explained detective Blane Patterson. “I am trying to be brave, but between the two of us, it could also mean the couple have had their hands cut off, and the kidnapper has sewn them together to fashion some kind of strange idol for ritualistic purposes.”
Friends of Daniel and Melanie have composed a corkboard with photos and string attempting to solve the mystery of their Facebook post. Several true crime podcasts have also been launched detailing the case – most notably, Serial will be using the story for their upcoming fourth season.
During press time, the couple has reportedly planned a pregnancy announcement with a video starring members of Cirque du Soleil lighting a ball of yarn on fire and eating it like spaghetti.


thebeaverton--2020-09-29--“I don’t think the COVID second wave will be so bad,” says man who will be primary cause of third wa

“I don’t think the COVID second wave will be so bad,” says man who will be primary cause of third wave

TORONTO – Local man Charlie Denison has expressed his opinion that the second wave of COVID will not be as bad as everyone fears , and he can continue doing the activities that will be a direct contributor to the inevitable third wave .
“ Everyone is acting like cases are just going to keep spiking , ” said the man who is part of 4 different 10 person bubbles .
“ But as long as society takes reasonable , prudent measures to ensure safety , then I can keep going to movies and not wearing my mask on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ m totally in favour of more school closures if it means the bars can be open after midnight , ” he added helpfully .
Despite the dramatic increases in case numbers across the country ( Ontario alone saw 700 on Monday ) , Denison believes that a return to lockdown conditions is not necessary due to it being “ really shitty ” last time .
“ We ’ ve done that already .
And they say the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting me to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ boys.
” Denison added that , as a concession , he would be willing to change his daily behaviour once it is too late and the virus is already running rampant again .

TORONTO – Local man Charlie Denison has expressed his opinion that the second wave of COVID will not be as bad as everyone fears, and he can continue doing the activities that will be a direct contributor to the inevitable third wave.
“Everyone is acting like cases are just going to keep spiking,” said the man who is part of 4 different 10 person bubbles. “But as long as society takes reasonable, prudent measures to ensure safety, then I can keep going to movies and not wearing my mask on the subway.”
“For instance I’m totally in favour of more school closures if it means the bars can be open after midnight,” he added helpfully.
Despite the dramatic increases in case numbers across the country (Ontario alone saw 700 on Monday), Denison believes that a return to lockdown conditions is not necessary due to it being “really shitty” last time.
“We’ve done that already. And they say the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting me to not go to a cottage with my boys.”
Denison added that, as a concession, he would be willing to change his daily behaviour once it is too late and the virus is already running rampant again.


thebeaverton--2020-09-29--Woman reports home yoga not the same when person’s butt not in face

NEW BRUNSWICK – Local woman , and self-identified yogi , Marsha Fellows , has reported that home yoga is just not the same when there isn ’ t a fellow patron ’ s butt in her face .
“ It just feels different , ” said Marsha , mid-tree pose , from her mat in the middle of her living room .
“ At home , I have too much space and I have no way of knowing if I ’ m doing it correctly !
It ’ s like , are you even doing downward dog if you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of swamp ass from the person in front of you ?
” According to Fellows , she tried having her cat stand in front of her , so she could stare down the barrel of his butt , however , it was reportedly “ not the same ” .
In a Facebook post , Fellows also cites missing the moment she bumps hands with others when she vinyasas into Warrior Two pose , as well as identifying the religion of the man beside her , every time he goes into Happy Baby .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t even set a Drishti properly without a shitty horoscope tattoo on the back of someone ’ s neck to focus in on !
” In a statement released by the Canadian Yoga Alliance ( CYA ) , the organization recommends at-home-yogis keep the experience of a yoga class alive by surrounding themselves with sweaty socks or other soiled undergarments .
Furthermore , for those who miss the camaraderie of a group class , the CYA will FaceTime in with a representative to do yoga alongside you , guaranteeing to do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shit for doing a modified Chaturanga .
However , despite her best efforts , Fellows is unsure she ’ ll keep up with her practice while in quarantine .
“ I even tried farting into a pillow and dressing it in Winners tights , but it ’ s just not the same.
” At press time , Fellows reported that lifting weights at home isn ’ t the same without that guy across the gym sensually grunting every time he bench presses .

NEW BRUNSWICK – Local woman, and self-identified yogi, Marsha Fellows, has reported that home yoga is just not the same when there isn’t a fellow patron’s butt in her face.
“It just feels different,” said Marsha, mid-tree pose, from her mat in the middle of her living room. “At home, I have too much space and I have no way of knowing if I’m doing it correctly! It’s like, are you even doing downward dog if you’re not hit with the subtle scent of swamp ass from the person in front of you?”
According to Fellows, she tried having her cat stand in front of her, so she could stare down the barrel of his butt, however, it was reportedly “not the same”. In a Facebook post, Fellows also cites missing the moment she bumps hands with others when she vinyasas into Warrior Two pose, as well as identifying the religion of the man beside her, every time he goes into Happy Baby.
“It’s like, I can’t even set a Drishti properly without a shitty horoscope tattoo on the back of someone’s neck to focus in on!”
In a statement released by the Canadian Yoga Alliance (CYA), the organization recommends at-home-yogis keep the experience of a yoga class alive by surrounding themselves with sweaty socks or other soiled undergarments. Furthermore, for those who miss the camaraderie of a group class, the CYA will FaceTime in with a representative to do yoga alongside you, guaranteeing to do the most and make you feel like shit for doing a modified Chaturanga.
However, despite her best efforts, Fellows is unsure she’ll keep up with her practice while in quarantine. “I even tried farting into a pillow and dressing it in Winners tights, but it’s just not the same.”
At press time, Fellows reported that lifting weights at home isn’t the same without that guy across the gym sensually grunting every time he bench presses.


thebeaverton--2020-09-29--Toronto police warn those breaking quarantine will be issued a stern selfie

TORONTO – Toronto Police Services are issuing a warning to those violating mandatory quarantine rules or breaking other public health laws to combat the spread of COVID-19 : you will get a serious selfie .
Dept .
Chief James Ramer says officers have been ordered to investigate and pose with all anti-mask leaders while they host raves , protests , and other super-spreader events .
“ You ’ ll be lucky if our officers are smiling because we ’ re clearly not happy about what you ’ re doing , ” said Ramer .
“ We ’ re going to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ issue a maximum of five photos at the illegal event they ’ re hosting.
” Photographic proof will help the Crown prosecute the offenders on charges of likeability , coolness , and “ being dangerous , ” but Ramer is appealing to the public for more support .
“ Please report anyone who has been breaking their 14-day quarantine after visiting another country , because that ’ s pretty badass and I know many of our officers would love to meet that person , ” added Ramer .
Repeat violators who flout federal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ prevent people from dying may be required to model with the police ’ s tactical squad for a calendar shoot .
At press time , Toronto Police said that if people breaking pandemic laws don ’ t care , then neither do they .

TORONTO – Toronto Police Services are issuing a warning to those violating mandatory quarantine rules or breaking other public health laws to combat the spread of COVID-19: you will get a serious selfie.
Dept. Chief James Ramer says officers have been ordered to investigate and pose with all anti-mask leaders while they host raves, protests, and other super-spreader events.
“You’ll be lucky if our officers are smiling because we’re clearly not happy about what you’re doing,” said Ramer. “We’re going to come down hard on these people and issue a maximum of five photos at the illegal event they’re hosting.”
Photographic proof will help the Crown prosecute the offenders on charges of likeability, coolness, and “being dangerous,” but Ramer is appealing to the public for more support.
“Please report anyone who has been breaking their 14-day quarantine after visiting another country, because that’s pretty badass and I know many of our officers would love to meet that person,” added Ramer.
Repeat violators who flout federal, provincial, and municipal laws that prevent people from dying may be required to model with the police’s tactical squad for a calendar shoot.
At press time, Toronto Police said that if people breaking pandemic laws don’t care, then neither do they.


thebeaverton--2020-09-30--Trump writes off debate loss on taxes

Trump writes off debate loss on taxes

CLEVELAND – US President Donald Trump has written off his debate loss to former Vice President Joe Biden on his @ @ @ @ @ million in refunds .
Despite a time-tested strategy of constantly interrupting his opponents and the @ @ @ @ @ have conceded financially , while publicly claiming a resounding victory .
“ I won that @ @ @ @ @ ” said Trump who instructed his accountants to file tonight ’ s performance as a @ @ @ @ @ had no chance against me .
People just loved me.
” The debate featured heavy @ @ @ @ @ the President refusing to denounce white supremacy , requesting his supporters to police election polling @ @ @ @ @ the outcome of the vote if he loses .
Trump placed all of these democratic @ @ @ @ @ .
Meanwhile , Trump will also try to write off the damages from the civil @ @ @ @ @ unleashing .

CLEVELAND – US President Donald Trump has written off his debate loss to former Vice President Joe Biden on his taxes saving him $5 million in refunds.
Despite a time-tested strategy of constantly interrupting his opponents and the moderator, Trump appeared to have conceded financially, while publicly claiming a resounding victory.
“I won that debate, hands down,” said Trump who instructed his accountants to file tonight’s performance as a business loss. “Joe had no chance against me. People just loved me.”
The debate featured heavy losses to democracy such as the President refusing to denounce white supremacy, requesting his supporters to police election polling stations, and pre-emptively discrediting the outcome of the vote if he loses. Trump placed all of these democratic debts on his Form 1040.
Meanwhile, Trump will also try to write off the damages from the civil war he’s currently unleashing.


thebeaverton--2020-09-30--5 ways to suggest an open marriage that all end in divorce

Though you may not have signed up for an open marriage when you said “ I do , ” that doesn ’ t mean you and your spouse can ’ t rewrite the rules mid-game !
Here are five subtle ways to casually bring up maybe potentially definitely opening up your marriage that will inevitably lead to divorce : Mention to your spouse that society has conditioned us to value monogamous relationships through TV and the proliferation of the nuclear family .
If you really think about it , it ’ s kinda messed up that we take out sexual @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even .
However most animals don ’ t exhibit monogamous tendencies , and if Nine Inch Nails taught us anything , we ’ re all animal , baby !
You and your partner are cool and alternative , just like the aforementioned industrial rock band Nine Inch Nails !
You folks aren ’ t another cog in the machine of the man , man .
This would also be a great time to ask your significant other why they can ’ t stop crying .
2 .
You just have too much love @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wasted on only one person !
Point out to your lover that you suffer from a cardiac condition in which your metaphorical heart is 3 times too big .
You ’ ve been diagnosed with elephantiasis of affection and it ’ s quite painful to keep all that love inside your heart and loins .
In fact some would even say that it ’ s kinda kinda selfish if your partner were to hoard it all for themselves .
Your better-half wouldn ’ t want to be considered a greedy little love piglet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know why they ’ re only able to think about themselves , and why they won ’ t consider your feelings for once .
Ask them why they ’ re packing a suitcase .
3 .
Bring up the fact that a divorce would really bum out your parents !
When you and your beloved entered into matrimony , they knew that your parents were like super Catholic .
It would break their sweet little hearts if the marriage they ’ re not a part of were to end .
Failure isn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if you were to open up your marriage , then technically you ’ d still be together in the eyes of your parents , the government , and God himself .
Just think of the sweet dulcet tones of Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor crooning , “ My whole existence is flawed / You get me closer to God.
” So when your spouse , who is beginning to get psyched on the idea of multiple partners , tells you that they ’ re going to spend some time at their mother @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at your parents ’ place instead .
4 .
It seems that things are starting to get a little dark , better turn on the ol ’ gaslight !
Now it ’ s time to engage every weapon in your arsenal .
Tell your spouse that they already agreed to an open marriage and that you actually started last Tuesday night when you had to “ stay late at the office.
” Therefore , it can ’ t be considered cheating if they knew about it !
And they did too know !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ had a thing for your partner ’ s best friend , and you know they think your cousin is a certified cutie , so they can ’ t be mad !
Communication is the key to a healthy relationship !
Letting your partner know that you ’ ve grown tired of them sexually and emotionally is honesty !
Keep screaming random statements as your partner walks out the front door !
It ’ s not over til it ’ s over !
5 .
Let ’ s face it , you were already @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your marriage .
An open marriage was never going to work for you since you didn ’ t have a strong foundation built on trust and understanding .
Tell yourself that your partner had too many needs anyway , like “ caring for them ” and “ listening to them.
” Sit on the edge of the bed you once shared with your partner and let yourself enjoy a silent and ugly cry .
Call up your parents and ask if they still have your collection of Nine Inch Nails CDs , you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

Though you may not have signed up for an open marriage when you said “I do,” that doesn’t mean you and your spouse can’t rewrite the rules mid-game! Here are five subtle ways to casually bring up maybe potentially definitely opening up your marriage that will inevitably lead to divorce:
1. Monogamy ain’t the natural way!
Mention to your spouse that society has conditioned us to value monogamous relationships through TV and the proliferation of the nuclear family. If you really think about it, it’s kinda messed up that we take out sexual cues from our parents. Freudian, even.
However most animals don’t exhibit monogamous tendencies, and if Nine Inch Nails taught us anything, we’re all animal, baby! You and your partner are cool and alternative, just like the aforementioned industrial rock band Nine Inch Nails! You folks aren’t another cog in the machine of the man, man.
This would also be a great time to ask your significant other why they can’t stop crying.
2. You just have too much love in your heart that it would be wasted on only one person!
Point out to your lover that you suffer from a cardiac condition in which your metaphorical heart is 3 times too big. You’ve been diagnosed with elephantiasis of affection and it’s quite painful to keep all that love inside your heart and loins. In fact some would even say that it’s kinda kinda selfish if your partner were to hoard it all for themselves. Your better-half wouldn’t want to be considered a greedy little love piglet, now would they?
Demand to know why they’re only able to think about themselves, and why they won’t consider your feelings for once. Ask them why they’re packing a suitcase.
3. Bring up the fact that a divorce would really bum out your parents!
When you and your beloved entered into matrimony, they knew that your parents were like super Catholic. It would break their sweet little hearts if the marriage they’re not a part of were to end. Failure isn’t an option for you, and if you were to open up your marriage, then technically you’d still be together in the eyes of your parents, the government, and God himself. Just think of the sweet dulcet tones of Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor crooning, “My whole existence is flawed / You get me closer to God.”
So when your spouse, who is beginning to get psyched on the idea of multiple partners, tells you that they’re going to spend some time at their mother’s, insist that they stay at your parents’ place instead.
4. It seems that things are starting to get a little dark, better turn on the ol’ gaslight!
Now it’s time to engage every weapon in your arsenal.
Tell your spouse that they already agreed to an open marriage and that you actually started last Tuesday night when you had to “stay late at the office.” Therefore, it can’t be considered cheating if they knew about it! And they did too know!
Casually mention that you’ve always had a thing for your partner’s best friend, and you know they think your cousin is a certified cutie, so they can’t be mad!
Communication is the key to a healthy relationship! Letting your partner know that you’ve grown tired of them sexually and emotionally is honesty! Keep screaming random statements as your partner walks out the front door! It’s not over til it’s over!
5. Let’s face it, you were already facing deep-rooted issues separate from opening up your marriage.
An open marriage was never going to work for you since you didn’t have a strong foundation built on trust and understanding. Tell yourself that your partner had too many needs anyway, like “caring for them” and “listening to them.”
Sit on the edge of the bed you once shared with your partner and let yourself enjoy a silent and ugly cry. Call up your parents and ask if they still have your collection of Nine Inch Nails CDs, you could really use them right about now.


thebeaverton--2020-09-30--Group of 14 drinking together at bar claim they are part of same 10 person bubble

Sarnia , ON – A group of 14 people who spent last night drinking and partying in very close proximity to one another say it ’ s fine because they are all in a 10 person bubble together .
“ Nothing to worry about here , ” said Tracey , 23 , to the concerned staff .
“ Me , Tim , Jake , Aaron , other Aaron , Kate , Steve , Denise , girl Erin , Cindy , Mark , Alicia , Matt and other girl Erin are all in a bubble together.
” “ Plus our families @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Upon arrival the group insisted on sitting indoors and pushing two tables together while loudly shouting “ bubble ” at anyone who appeared concerned .
They then proceeded to share pitchers and appetizers while constantly changing seats to ensure that everyone was within 6 feet of everyone else at one point or another .
“ I think it ’ s great that the province has created a system to try to keep everyone safe from COVID , and then also made Bubble a secret password that you can just say and then do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the Aarons/Erins .
“ Please .
I just want to go home , ” murmured their server as she prepared to get them another round .
In related news a group of non-bubbled friends had moved their socially distanced backyard hang indoors since it started to rain and it wasn ’ t like they could just not hang out or anything .

Sarnia, ON – A group of 14 people who spent last night drinking and partying in very close proximity to one another say it’s fine because they are all in a 10 person bubble together.
“Nothing to worry about here,” said Tracey, 23, to the concerned staff. “Me, Tim, Jake, Aaron, other Aaron, Kate, Steve, Denise, girl Erin, Cindy, Mark, Alicia, Matt and other girl Erin are all in a bubble together.”
“Plus our families of course,” she added.
Upon arrival the group insisted on sitting indoors and pushing two tables together while loudly shouting “bubble” at anyone who appeared concerned. They then proceeded to share pitchers and appetizers while constantly changing seats to ensure that everyone was within 6 feet of everyone else at one point or another.
“I think it’s great that the province has created a system to try to keep everyone safe from COVID, and then also made Bubble a secret password that you can just say and then do whatever you want,” said one of the Aarons/Erins.
“Please. I just want to go home,” murmured their server as she prepared to get them another round.
In related news a group of non-bubbled friends had moved their socially distanced backyard hang indoors since it started to rain and it wasn’t like they could just not hang out or anything.