thebeaverton--2020-03-23--Group hanging out in park presumably celebrating the blood on their hands

VANCOUVER – A group of friends chatting , drinking and generally having a grand ol ’ time in the park this past weekend were presumably celebrating the fact that they are now responsible for spreading the deadly COVID-19 virus .
“ It ’ s a beautiful day .
I got my friends , my girl , my beer , what more could a guy ask for ?
” said Michael Green , who will hopefully feel just as cheery when his refusal to self-isolate results in the death of an elderly family member .
“ I ’ m not sick @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the person with a ‘ dumb guy in an Adam Sandler Netflix movie ’ level of misunderstanding over how the virus operates and infects people .
Other resident ’ s excuses for not taking the coronavirus seriously included ‘ everyone knows the virus can ’ t spread outdoors ’ , ‘ I had coronavirus in grade 3 so I ’ m immune ’ and ‘ sure we ’ re sharing beer but we ’ re not backwashing so it ’ s all good.
’ While most Canadians have followed the government ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ house only to pick up essential supplies , there have been reports of numerous Canadians just hanging out in parks , backyards and beaches .
The only logical explanation is that these people are sadistic killers who want to see their fellow human beings die , but don ’ t want to have to go to the trouble of physically doing it themselves .
“ Is it weird to think that all these people playing basketball or giving each other hugs hello are actually monsters who want to help a virus kill hundreds @ @ @ @ @ @ @ But that is literally what they are , ” said local nurse Jackie Hanson , before spitting at them .
Unfortunately as she was standing more than 6 feet away the spit did not come close .
It is an odd strategy for these young serial killers to take given the fact that they could die or suffer permanent health complications as well .
But just like Ted Bundy escaping from prison to carry on his spree , sometimes you have to take a few risks in order to get the highest reward @ @ @ @ @ @ @ serial killers have taken well to social isolation as they say it ’ s no fun to kill someone if you don ’ t get the credit .

VANCOUVER – A group of friends chatting, drinking and generally having a grand ol’ time in the park this past weekend were presumably celebrating the fact that they are now responsible for spreading the deadly COVID-19 virus.
“It’s a beautiful day. I got my friends, my girl, my beer, what more could a guy ask for?” said Michael Green, who will hopefully feel just as cheery when his refusal to self-isolate results in the death of an elderly family member.
“I’m not sick, I feel great!” said the person with a ‘dumb guy in an Adam Sandler Netflix movie’ level of misunderstanding over how the virus operates and infects people.
Other resident’s excuses for not taking the coronavirus seriously included ‘everyone knows the virus can’t spread outdoors’, ‘I had coronavirus in grade 3 so I’m immune’ and ‘sure we’re sharing beer but we’re not backwashing so it’s all good.’
While most Canadians have followed the government’s demand that we self-isolate and leave the house only to pick up essential supplies, there have been reports of numerous Canadians just hanging out in parks, backyards and beaches. The only logical explanation is that these people are sadistic killers who want to see their fellow human beings die, but don’t want to have to go to the trouble of physically doing it themselves.
“Is it weird to think that all these people playing basketball or giving each other hugs hello are actually monsters who want to help a virus kill hundreds of thousands of people? Yeah. But that is literally what they are,” said local nurse Jackie Hanson, before spitting at them. Unfortunately as she was standing more than 6 feet away the spit did not come close.
It is an odd strategy for these young serial killers to take given the fact that they could die or suffer permanent health complications as well. But just like Ted Bundy escaping from prison to carry on his spree, sometimes you have to take a few risks in order to get the highest reward.
Surprisingly the nation’s admitted serial killers have taken well to social isolation as they say it’s no fun to kill someone if you don’t get the credit.
Special Thanks To Rob Anderson For Use Of The Photo


thebeaverton--2020-03-23--Social butterflies soothed by nonstop robocall scams

VANCOUVER – As an increasing number of people are under quarantine or self-isolating to help stop the spread of COVID-19 , the stress of long periods of solitude is for many extroverts only alleviated by the dozens of automatic calls they get every day from scammers .
“ I ’ m not used to all of this alone time , so I ’ m profoundly grateful that every hour or so I get a call from a badly recorded robot telling me I owe the government money and I will go to jail if I don ’ t immediately buy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a random PO box , ” said former party-goer Laura Jackson .
“ This was literally the first weekend I ’ ve spent on my own in a decade , so it was very comforting to have this constant attention to help me cope.
” “ I ’ m still popular , just in a different way.
” Psychologists are recommending that people who start to feel lonely or frantic during this period of seclusion answer any and all phone calls from strange numbers and attempt to engage with the human or robot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of self-care .
“ A few days ago a robot called me trying to sell me weird stocks or something and once I was able to talk to a real person , we had a two hour conversation , ” said Donna Kellerman , a chatty hairstylist who ’ s been unable to work for the last week .
“ I didn ’ t give him any money because even he wasn ’ t quite sure what he was selling , but it did wonders for my mood .
And I really think @ @ @ @ @ @ @ through some stuff he ’ s going through with his girlfriend.
” While call recipients are happy , the trauma of dealing with an attention-starved population is starting to take its toll on the robocallers , as machine after machine are choosing to shut themselves down rather than continue to interact with hundreds of needy humans .

VANCOUVER – As an increasing number of people are under quarantine or self-isolating to help stop the spread of COVID-19, the stress of long periods of solitude is for many extroverts only alleviated by the dozens of automatic calls they get every day from scammers.
“I’m not used to all of this alone time, so I’m profoundly grateful that every hour or so I get a call from a badly recorded robot telling me I owe the government money and I will go to jail if I don’t immediately buy some gift cards and send them to a random PO box,” said former party-goer Laura Jackson. “This was literally the first weekend I’ve spent on my own in a decade, so it was very comforting to have this constant attention to help me cope.”
“I’m still popular, just in a different way.”
Psychologists are recommending that people who start to feel lonely or frantic during this period of seclusion answer any and all phone calls from strange numbers and attempt to engage with the human or robot on the other end as a form of self-care.
“A few days ago a robot called me trying to sell me weird stocks or something and once I was able to talk to a real person, we had a two hour conversation,” said Donna Kellerman, a chatty hairstylist who’s been unable to work for the last week. “I didn’t give him any money because even he wasn’t quite sure what he was selling, but it did wonders for my mood. And I really think I was able to help him work through some stuff he’s going through with his girlfriend.”
While call recipients are happy, the trauma of dealing with an attention-starved population is starting to take its toll on the robocallers, as machine after machine are choosing to shut themselves down rather than continue to interact with hundreds of needy humans.


thebeaverton--2020-03-24--Kremlin still can’t remember trigger word to activate Bernie Sanders

MOSCOW – A source inside the Kremlin has confirmed that the handlers of deep cover operative Bernie Sanders have lost the password needed to activate the commands placed in his subconscious .
“ Because the asset was embedded so long ago , a lot of overseers have come and gone , ” said KGB operative Nicolai Lobanov , surrounded by boxes from the KGB ’ s record rooms .
“ I just pray to god we made it a Russian word so that no one will activate him by accident .
If Sanders is still half as deadly as he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be unimaginable .
” After months of Spetsnaz-level training and mental conditioning , Sanders was given the most American , anglo-saxon-sounding name possible and sent to the U.S. as a sleeper agent to infiltrate the American Senate as part of a campaign to destabilize the states .
However , once hacking the election and spreading fake news proved the more effective means of protecting Russian interests , Sanders was left dormant , and began operating under his original orders of spreading communism by giving healthcare to everyone .
Sanders was selected because , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ highly likely to become President .
However there have been some doubts regarding Sanders ’ chances of victory .
This is most likely why the Kremlin is seeking to activate his hypnotic instructions to use his years of experience in the field to terminate any threats to the Trump administration , possibly including fellow Democrat Joe Biden .
This lapse in information recording is proving to be a major source of stress for Lubanov , who is in danger of missing the peak time to activate Sanders .
“ Was it Vermont ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Lubinov said , rubbing his temples .
“ 1 % of the 1 % ?
No .
Huge , but pronounced Yuge ?
.
Damn it , I was sure we had it on a post-it note somewhere.
” In related news , the majority of Kremlin officials strongly oppose making us of Canadian sleeper agent Andrew Scheer .

MOSCOW – A source inside the Kremlin has confirmed that the handlers of deep cover operative Bernie Sanders have lost the password needed to activate the commands placed in his subconscious.
“Because the asset was embedded so long ago, a lot of overseers have come and gone,” said KGB operative Nicolai Lobanov, surrounded by boxes from the KGB’s record rooms. “I just pray to god we made it a Russian word so that no one will activate him by accident. If Sanders is still half as deadly as he was in Afghanistan, the carnage would be unimaginable. ”
After months of Spetsnaz-level training and mental conditioning, Sanders was given the most American, anglo-saxon-sounding name possible and sent to the U.S. as a sleeper agent to infiltrate the American Senate as part of a campaign to destabilize the states. However, once hacking the election and spreading fake news proved the more effective means of protecting Russian interests, Sanders was left dormant, and began operating under his original orders of spreading communism by giving healthcare to everyone.
Sanders was selected because, as a white straight male he is highly likely to become President. However there have been some doubts regarding Sanders’ chances of victory. This is most likely why the Kremlin is seeking to activate his hypnotic instructions to use his years of experience in the field to terminate any threats to the Trump administration, possibly including fellow Democrat Joe Biden.
This lapse in information recording is proving to be a major source of stress for Lubanov, who is in danger of missing the peak time to activate Sanders. “Was it Vermont? No that’s too obvious.” Lubinov said, rubbing his temples. “1%of the 1%? No. Huge, but pronounced Yuge?. Damn it, I was sure we had it on a post-it note somewhere.”
In related news, the majority of Kremlin officials strongly oppose making us of Canadian sleeper agent Andrew Scheer.


thebeaverton--2020-03-24--Canadian government scolds citizens for not fully embracing its half-measures

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has made it clear he is very disappointed in members of the Canadian public for not electing to do everything they can to stop the spread of COVID-19 , which is especially concerning because the voluntary actions of Canada ’ s citizenry and provinces is the government ’ s primary means of stopping this pandemic .
“ If you don ’ t go home and stay home , we ’ ll have to order you to go home and stay home , which we don ’ t want to do , so I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we don ’ t have to actually order you to do it , ” Trudeau said during a press conference yesterday .
“ Except , of course , for those of you who have to keep working .
You know who you are .
Hopefully.
” Trudeau has been loath to declare a national emergency that would give the federal government more power to fight the current pandemic , instead relying on the provinces to act piecemeal and expecting the population to intuit the staggering crisis Canada is facing based on Trudeau ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we ’ re going to make it through this without completely upending our society into something profoundly equitable and therefore unrecognizable , Canadians need to want it , ” Trudeau said .
“ There ’ s a reason we chose a convoluted aid package that people will have to jump through bureaucratic hoops to eventually access rather than immediate lump sum payments and rent freezes .
We ’ re half-assing this for you.
” “ Our goal as a government is to limp through this thing with the minimum amount of disruption to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to do that we need everyone except us to give it their all.
” While remaining committed to a middle of the road response to the virus , the Liberals are nevertheless attempting to pass a bill that would give their minority government unlimited fiscal power without House of Commons oversight for the next year and a half because , seriously , when else are they gon na get that chance .

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has made it clear he is very disappointed in members of the Canadian public for not electing to do everything they can to stop the spread of COVID-19, which is especially concerning because the voluntary actions of Canada’s citizenry and provinces is the government’s primary means of stopping this pandemic.
“If you don’t go home and stay home, we’ll have to order you to go home and stay home, which we don’t want to do, so I’m ordering you to do it so we don’t have to actually order you to do it,” Trudeau said during a press conference yesterday. “Except, of course, for those of you who have to keep working. You know who you are. Hopefully.”
Trudeau has been loath to declare a national emergency that would give the federal government more power to fight the current pandemic, instead relying on the provinces to act piecemeal and expecting the population to intuit the staggering crisis Canada is facing based on Trudeau’s extremely disappointed tone.
“If we’re going to make it through this without completely upending our society into something profoundly equitable and therefore unrecognizable, Canadians need to want it,” Trudeau said. “There’s a reason we chose a convoluted aid package that people will have to jump through bureaucratic hoops to eventually access rather than immediate lump sum payments and rent freezes. We’re half-assing this for you.”
“Our goal as a government is to limp through this thing with the minimum amount of disruption to the status quo, and in order to do that we need everyone except us to give it their all.”
While remaining committed to a middle of the road response to the virus, the Liberals are nevertheless attempting to pass a bill that would give their minority government unlimited fiscal power without House of Commons oversight for the next year and a half because, seriously, when else are they gonna get that chance.


thebeaverton--2020-03-25--Japan, IOC postpone all 2020 Olympic events except fencing

TOKYO – Amid the rising COVID-19 pandemic , the International Olympic Committee along with the Japanese government has released a statement confirming that while the majority of the summer games will be postponed to 2021 , the only sport allowed to compete this year will be fencing .
A spokesperson from Tokyo ’ s organizing committee addressed reporters remotely via video call , saying , “ In 1940 , Japan had won the bid to host the summer and winter games , however both events were cancelled due to WWII .
We will not surrender such a lucrative opportunity this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we can only offer thrusting and jabbing from a medically responsible distance.
” Furthermore , beyond the standard white jacket , face mask , and gloves , fencers now are expected to don a full body hazmat suit , and alter their swords to be at least six feet long in order to avoid becoming too close to their opponents .
Alberto Bianchi , head coach of the Italian fencing team is said to be conflicted about Japan ’ s decision to focus solely on the intricate combat sport .
“ Historically , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in fencing , so on the one hand that bodes well for our chances of sweeping the 2020 games , ” said Bianchi from a quarantined gym in Rome .
“ However , you know with the whole lockdown stuff , right now is not the very best timing for us.
” Many other athletes have attempted to plead their case to the IOC as to the safety of their respective sports .
Dozens of Olympic volleyball and basketball players of different countries have signed an online petition promising to sanitize the ball @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shot if allowed to compete .
Tokyo 2020 has officially changed their motto from “ Hope Lights Our Way ” to “ Beggars Can ’ t Be Choosers .
”

TOKYO – Amid the rising COVID-19 pandemic, the International Olympic Committee along with the Japanese government has released a statement confirming that while the majority of the summer games will be postponed to 2021, the only sport allowed to compete this year will be fencing.
A spokesperson from Tokyo’s organizing committee addressed reporters remotely via video call, saying, “In 1940, Japan had won the bid to host the summer and winter games, however both events were cancelled due to WWII. We will not surrender such a lucrative opportunity this time around, even if that means we can only offer thrusting and jabbing from a medically responsible distance.”
Furthermore, beyond the standard white jacket, face mask, and gloves, fencers now are expected to don a full body hazmat suit, and alter their swords to be at least six feet long in order to avoid becoming too close to their opponents.
Alberto Bianchi, head coach of the Italian fencing team is said to be conflicted about Japan’s decision to focus solely on the intricate combat sport.
“Historically, Italy has brought home the most medals in fencing, so on the one hand that bodes well for our chances of sweeping the 2020 games,” said Bianchi from a quarantined gym in Rome. “However, you know with the whole lockdown stuff, right now is not the very best timing for us.”
Many other athletes have attempted to plead their case to the IOC as to the safety of their respective sports. Dozens of Olympic volleyball and basketball players of different countries have signed an online petition promising to sanitize the ball between each volley, pass, and shot if allowed to compete.
Tokyo 2020 has officially changed their motto from “Hope Lights Our Way” to “Beggars Can’t Be Choosers.”


thebeaverton--2020-03-25--Biden announces he’ll make more public appearances when Animal Crossing: New Horizons stops being so

Biden announces he’ll make more public appearances when Animal Crossing: New Horizons stops being so sick

WILMINGTON , DE- Following mounting public concern regarding Democratic candidate Joe Biden ’ s limited presence in the public eye , a his campaign announced Biden will begin addressing his constituents more frequently just as soon as Animal Crossing : New Horizons stops ruling so hard .
“ I understand it ’ s frustrating to have a presidential candidate go completely AWOL during such an unprecedented pandemic , but it ’ s also important voters know the facts , ” said spokesperson Kelly MacPherson .
“ And the fact is , this game is just way too fucking sick.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been unable to pry himself away from the idyllic simulation game since its release earlier this week .
Experts cite the game ’ s introduction of crafting and terraforming as a key addictive feature , as it allows Biden to “ grind all night long ” , even when the shops close in the real-time game .
“ 2012 ’ s Animal Crossing : New Leaf was an OK game and caused minor problems during the final Obama term , but what we ’ re faced with now is unprecedented .
New Horizons @ @ @ @ @ @ @ visibly exhausted speech writer Jon Simon , “ He can ’ t stop building birdbaths and catching trout .
The only way we can get him to do a televised address is when his avatar is sleeping .
I was up until 6am last night .
I miss my family.
” Insiders point to one of Biden ’ s few recent appearances , an awkward remote interview with MSNBC ’ s Nicole Wallace , as another victim of his “ falling hard down a Crossing hole ” .
Said one staffer , “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ words because of his advanced age , but it ’ s because he kept trying to remember how many bells he owes Tom Nook for his farm expansion.
” “ Why can ’ t he be this kind of memory for real , non-cartoon video game policy , ” added the frustrated staffer .
While voters across the country have voiced anger at the presumptive Democratic contender for largely stepping out of the public eye during the mounting COVIS-19 crisis and looming economic collapse while other public officials , like opponent Bernie Sanders @ @ @ @ @ @ @ chats , staffers were quick to defend their boss ’ absence , saying that while he may not be addressing the public as frequently as others , he is still accessible .
“ Look if you ’ re so keen on talking to the guy , why don ’ t you just join his Switch friends list and visit his island ?
” questioned campaign staffer Bryce McQuinty .
“ Open up the chat keyboard and go catch butterflies together or something .
Oh , and please for the love of God , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their native fruit could you please invite Joe over to take one so he can plant it on his island ?
All day he just mumbles about the goddamn pears.
” At press time , Biden staffers voiced concern over his new interest in more violent games , fearing that the former senator ’ s vote for the Iraq war would escalate to puppeteering excessive militarism from the safety of his own home , thusly causing him to lose interest in campaigning all together .

WILMINGTON, DE- Following mounting public concern regarding Democratic candidate Joe Biden’s limited presence in the public eye, a his campaign announced Biden will begin addressing his constituents more frequently just as soon as Animal Crossing: New Horizons stops ruling so hard.
“I understand it’s frustrating to have a presidential candidate go completely AWOL during such an unprecedented pandemic, but it’s also important voters know the facts,” said spokesperson Kelly MacPherson. “And the fact is, this game is just way too fucking sick.”
According to inside sources, Biden has been unable to pry himself away from the idyllic simulation game since its release earlier this week. Experts cite the game’s introduction of crafting and terraforming as a key addictive feature, as it allows Biden to “grind all night long”, even when the shops close in the real-time game.
“2012’s Animal Crossing: New Leaf was an OK game and caused minor problems during the final Obama term, but what we’re faced with now is unprecedented. New Horizons is just way too dope” said visibly exhausted speech writer Jon Simon, “He can’t stop building birdbaths and catching trout. The only way we can get him to do a televised address is when his avatar is sleeping. I was up until 6am last night. I miss my family.”
Insiders point to one of Biden’s few recent appearances, an awkward remote interview with MSNBC’s Nicole Wallace, as another victim of his “falling hard down a Crossing hole”. Said one staffer, “People kept assuming Biden was fumbling his words because of his advanced age, but it’s because he kept trying to remember how many bells he owes Tom Nook for his farm expansion.”
“Why can’t he be this kind of memory for real, non-cartoon video game policy,” added the frustrated staffer.
While voters across the country have voiced anger at the presumptive Democratic contender for largely stepping out of the public eye during the mounting COVIS-19 crisis and looming economic collapse while other public officials, like opponent Bernie Sanders, have been making frequent virtual fireside chats, staffers were quick to defend their boss’ absence, saying that while he may not be addressing the public as frequently as others, he is still accessible.
“Look if you’re so keen on talking to the guy, why don’t you just join his Switch friends list and visit his island?” questioned campaign staffer Bryce McQuinty. “Open up the chat keyboard and go catch butterflies together or something. Oh, and please for the love of God, if somebody out there has pears as their native fruit could you please invite Joe over to take one so he can plant it on his island? All day he just mumbles about the goddamn pears.”
At press time, Biden staffers voiced concern over his new interest in more violent games, fearing that the former senator’s vote for the Iraq war would escalate to puppeteering excessive militarism from the safety of his own home, thusly causing him to lose interest in campaigning all together.


thebeaverton--2020-04-16--Economists hate her! This woman makes $500 a week with one simple tool!

Recently laid-off woman reveals shocking secret trick your employer doesn ’ t want you to know !
Top-secret government hack UNCOVERED : $ 8000 in cash for struggling Canadians !
Get yours TODAY at www.canada.ca !
Quarantined Canadian Kathy Callahan , 35 , bravely exposes the revolutionarily easy way to make up to $ 2000 a month !
Read her astonishing confession below , and you too can earn QUICK CASH NOW , all from the self-isolated comfort of your own home !
“ I couldn ’ t believe it !
” Callahan raves .
“ All I had to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Canada WEBSITE , fill out a super simple PROFILE , and apply to a program called CERB !
!
The $ money $ just started rolling in !
Now I am safe from crippling debt for the next FOUR MONTHS !
” Employers across Canada are RAGING thanks to this financial PANDEMIC-AID fund .
CANADA EMERGENCY RESPONSE BENEFIT hated by economists !
“ DON ’ T believe the LIES !
” say local financial experts .
“ It can ’ t be that simple .
It must be a SCAM !
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
WATCH FREE VIDEO NOW to learn how this 55-year-old mom saved hundreds of immunocompromised lives with hidden social distancing secret that has virologists fuming !

$$$ Social assistance EXPOSED! $$$
Recently laid-off woman reveals shocking secret trick your employer doesn’t want you to know!
Top-secret government hack UNCOVERED: $8000 in cash for struggling Canadians! Get yours TODAY at www.canada.ca!
Quarantined Canadian Kathy Callahan, 35, bravely exposes the revolutionarily easy way to make up to $2000 a month! Read her astonishing confession below, and you too can earn QUICK CASH NOW, all from the self-isolated comfort of your own home!
“I couldn’t believe it!” Callahan raves. “All I had to do was log on to the GOVERNMENT of Canada WEBSITE, fill out a super simple PROFILE, and apply to a program called CERB!! The $money$ just started rolling in! Now I am safe from crippling debt for the next FOUR MONTHS!”
Employers across Canada are RAGING thanks to this financial PANDEMIC-AID fund. CANADA EMERGENCY RESPONSE BENEFIT hated by economists!
“DON’T believe the LIES!” say local financial experts. “It can’t be that simple. It must be a SCAM!”
What else are they hiding!?!
WAIT! There’s MORE!
WATCH FREE VIDEO NOW to learn how this 55-year-old mom saved hundreds of immunocompromised lives with hidden social distancing secret that has virologists fuming!


thebeaverton--2020-04-16--Trump ensures America’s stimulus checks will bounce by writing his name on them

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a rare display of business acumen , Donald Trump is saving the United States approximately $ 290 billion by having his name appear on the new round of stimulus checks to American citizens , ensuring that no bank will accept them .
Because only Treasury officials can sign government checks , Trump ’ s name will appear in the subject line rather than the signature line .
But the administration is confident that it will be enough for any reputable financial institution to refuse them based on Trump ’ s disastrous credit history .
“ It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” Trump told reporters gathered around the newly dedicated Trump podium in the White House ’ s recently renamed Trump Rose Garden .
“ Not that we need to do this — everybody ’ s just going to frame the check anyway so they can have my name on their wall.
” “ But if there ’ s one thing I learned from Trump Taj Mahal , Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino , Trump University , Trump Steaks , and Trump Airline , it ’ s that my name can send you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ put a sexual predator on the Supreme Court.
” Although the maximum amount for individual payments is set at $ 1200 , the accumulated value of more than 100 million bounced checks will represent a substantial governmental savings , enough to prop up essential services such as professional wrestling programming and foreign-owned cruise ship lines .
“ By keeping this money out of the pockets of the American people , we will be saving the American people a substantial amount of money , ” said Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin .
“ And because @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will be charged to the recipient rather than the government , it won ’ t cost the American people a cent — as long as you don ’ t include the American people under the definition of American people.
” At press time , President Trump had already made plans to funnel the proposed $ 290 billion in savings to one of his own less-reputable offshore accounts .

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a rare display of business acumen, Donald Trump is saving the United States approximately $290 billion by having his name appear on the new round of stimulus checks to American citizens, ensuring that no bank will accept them.
Because only Treasury officials can sign government checks, Trump’s name will appear in the subject line rather than the signature line. But the administration is confident that it will be enough for any reputable financial institution to refuse them based on Trump’s disastrous credit history.
“It’s really, so so smart,” Trump told reporters gathered around the newly dedicated Trump podium in the White House’s recently renamed Trump Rose Garden. “Not that we need to do this — everybody’s just going to frame the check anyway so they can have my name on their wall.”
“But if there’s one thing I learned from Trump Taj Mahal, Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino, Trump University, Trump Steaks, and Trump Airline, it’s that my name can send you into bankruptcy faster than Mitch McConnell can put a sexual predator on the Supreme Court.”
Although the maximum amount for individual payments is set at $1200, the accumulated value of more than 100 million bounced checks will represent a substantial governmental savings, enough to prop up essential services such as professional wrestling programming and foreign-owned cruise ship lines.
“By keeping this money out of the pockets of the American people, we will be saving the American people a substantial amount of money,” said Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin. “And because the bank penalty for each bounced check will be charged to the recipient rather than the government, it won’t cost the American people a cent — as long as you don’t include the American people under the definition of American people.”
At press time, President Trump had already made plans to funnel the proposed $290 billion in savings to one of his own less-reputable offshore accounts.


thebeaverton--2020-04-16--Health Canada asks Canadians to at least brush their teeth, for God’s sake

OTTAWA – Amid the current worldwide shutdown leading to the majority of Canadian citizens practicing self-isolation in their homes , Health Canada has urged people to at the very least consider brushing their teeth while this is all going on .
“ Look , we get it .
It ’ s really tough to motivate yourself to practice normal self-care when you don ’ t have to see other people who will judge you for your appearance every day , ” said Jennifer San Filippo , spokesperson for Health Canada , “ but for the love of Christ , I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The latest missive from the organization comes after previous failed attempts to urge Canadians to avoid devolving into savagery .
Past unsuccessful campaigns included : “ Maybe Change Out of Those Pajamas Every Other Day ?
” , “ Ok , But Like Seriously Showering Doesn ’ t Take That Long ” , and “ Come On Guys , Wear Pants ” .
Experts are hopeful that this latest attempt will catch hold , though they remain wary after the dismal failure of “ How About Putting on a Bra for Just Five @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” .
“ You don ’ t even have to do the twice a day thing .
Like what about just in the evening ?
Before bed ?
Just do that one ?
” San Filippo pleaded , “ You don ’ t even have to use toothpaste if you don ’ t want to .
Just run it under water for a second.
” Health professionals are shocked at the speed at which otherwise ordinary people who keep themselves clean and hygienic completely abandoned all prior habits .
Within only three weeks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a professional and presentable image to the outside world , have become sweating , greasy cavemen communicating mostly in grunts and Uber Eats orders .
“ This isn ’ t even a cosmetic issue .
It ’ s basic dental health .
I don ’ t understand what you people want from us !
We ’ re just trying to help , ” San Filippo screamed between tears .
At press time , Health Canada ’ s upcoming effort entitled “ Please , Please , Please , Please , Please Change Your Underwear @ @ @ @ @ @ @ failure .

OTTAWA – Amid the current worldwide shutdown leading to the majority of Canadian citizens practicing self-isolation in their homes, Health Canada has urged people to at the very least consider brushing their teeth while this is all going on.
“Look, we get it. It’s really tough to motivate yourself to practice normal self-care when you don’t have to see other people who will judge you for your appearance every day,” said Jennifer San Filippo, spokesperson for Health Canada, “but for the love of Christ, I mean have some self-respect and brush.”
The latest missive from the organization comes after previous failed attempts to urge Canadians to avoid devolving into savagery. Past unsuccessful campaigns included: “Maybe Change Out of Those Pajamas Every Other Day?”, “Ok, But Like Seriously Showering Doesn’t Take That Long”, and “Come On Guys, Wear Pants”. Experts are hopeful that this latest attempt will catch hold, though they remain wary after the dismal failure of “How About Putting on a Bra for Just Five Minutes and Working Your Way Up?”.
“You don’t even have to do the twice a day thing. Like what about just in the evening? Before bed? Just do that one?” San Filippo pleaded, “You don’t even have to use toothpaste if you don’t want to. Just run it under water for a second.”
Health professionals are shocked at the speed at which otherwise ordinary people who keep themselves clean and hygienic completely abandoned all prior habits. Within only three weeks, individuals who normally obsessed over presenting a professional and presentable image to the outside world, have become sweating, greasy cavemen communicating mostly in grunts and Uber Eats orders.
“This isn’t even a cosmetic issue. It’s basic dental health. I don’t understand what you people want from us! We’re just trying to help,” San Filippo screamed between tears.
At press time, Health Canada’s upcoming effort entitled “Please, Please, Please, Please, Please Change Your Underwear” is expected to be a resounding failure.


thebeaverton--2020-04-17--2020’s hottest workout trend: listless pacing

The world may have stopped in the face of COVID-19 , but your fitness journey doesn ’ t have to !
2020 ’ s hottest health trend is here , and it ’ s called listless pacing .
Wait , WTF is LP ?
Think pacing , back and forth , with a bounce in your step and insurmountable existential dread in your heart .
That ’ s literally it !
Fitness fanatics chasing that extra cardio burn can pick up a medicine ball , or make a phone call to their parents that rings through to the answering machine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Why aren ’ t they picking up ?
Listless pacing is absolutely perf for people of all experience levels .
Our fave fitness gurus recommend 20 minutes per day , every day , on your favourite 5 to 8 feet of floor space , with the most upsetting Smiths playlist you can find playing in the background .
Heaven knows you ’ re PACING now !
And so are the celebs !
Chrissy Tiegen , Lil Nas X , and Miley ’ s pet pigs have all posted # ListlessPacing TikToks this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that Vanessa Hudgens is planning an Insta Live Pace-a-thon to benefit the victims of Coachella being cancelled this year .
So inspiring !
Here ’ s the best part : pacing torches at least 30 % more calories than other trends in 2020 ’ s # fitspo tag , like chasing after your stir-crazy kids , moving that bookcase from one side of your living room to the other just to feel something , and just straight-up anxious ideating .
Wow !
So what should you wear when you LP ?
We ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so thoroughly worn that they feel greasy to the touch .
But in reality , anything covered in cheetos dust will do .
Don ’ t overthink it !
At least , not until you start pacing !
😉 It ’ s official : 2020 is the year of listless pacing .
Better luck next time , frolf !
!
!

The world may have stopped in the face of COVID-19, but your fitness journey doesn’t have to! 2020’s hottest health trend is here, and it’s called listless pacing.
Wait, WTF is LP? Think pacing, back and forth, with a bounce in your step and insurmountable existential dread in your heart. That’s literally it! Fitness fanatics chasing that extra cardio burn can pick up a medicine ball, or make a phone call to their parents that rings through to the answering machine. They should be home right now. Why aren’t they picking up?
Listless pacing is absolutely perf for people of all experience levels. Our fave fitness gurus recommend 20 minutes per day, every day, on your favourite 5 to 8 feet of floor space, with the most upsetting Smiths playlist you can find playing in the background. Heaven knows you’re PACING now!
And so are the celebs! Chrissy Tiegen, Lil Nas X, and Miley’s pet pigs have all posted #ListlessPacing TikToks this week, and it’s rumoured that Vanessa Hudgens is planning an Insta Live Pace-a-thon to benefit the victims of Coachella being cancelled this year. So inspiring!
Here’s the best part: pacing torches at least 30% more calories than other trends in 2020’s #fitspo tag, like chasing after your stir-crazy kids, moving that bookcase from one side of your living room to the other just to feel something, and just straight-up anxious ideating. Wow!
So what should you wear when you LP? We’d recommend a bathrobe, or leggings so thoroughly worn that they feel greasy to the touch. But in reality, anything covered in cheetos dust will do. Don’t overthink it! At least, not until you start pacing! 😉
It’s official: 2020 is the year of listless pacing. Better luck next time, frolf!!!


thebeaverton--2020-04-17--NRA: Guns don’t kill people, schools being open kill people

FAIRFAX , VA – In light of the fact that this March marked the first month without a school shooting in the U.S. since 2002 , the National Rifle Association released a statement claiming “ Guns don ’ t kill people , schools being open kill people.
” “ Seems like the only thing that changed from February to March was that kids weren ’ t allowed to go to school because of the pandemic , not an absence of guns , ” said an NRA spokesperson .
“ Maybe the real killer is having these crook schools open 10 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to make-up for lost fundraising opportunities , the NRA has had to pivot away from exploiting school shootings to exploiting Americans ’ fear of COVID-19 .
“ We make most of our money from riling people up after a tragedy to go out and buy more guns .
After Sandy Hook , boy did our profits jump !
” recounted an accountant for the group .
“ With a lack of kids dying , our organization has had to re-organize our priorities to focus on what consumers want right now .
And funny @ @ @ @ @ @ @ guns.
” The non-profit has begun embracing the panic surrounding government mandated social-isolation orders , going so far as filing a federal lawsuit in order to reopen gun stores in New York , the epicentre of the virus .
The organization updated their website to cite their new mission : “ At our core , we here at the NRA believe that at any moment society will collapse and Americans will require guns to combat each other for the last pieces of toilet paper available .
Do not let Governor Cuomo close down @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just wants to hoard all the T.P .
for his own ass.
” Many avid gun-rights activists have been emboldened by the NRA ’ s new focus .
One Internet user @ moreAKsthanWACO commented , “ you can ’ t social distance me from my firearms that ’ s for damn sure.
” When pressed for comment , the NRA ’ s president proclaimed that , “ It is unconstitutional to come between a gun association and its profits , shit , I mean an American and their right to defend themselves .
@

FAIRFAX, VA – In light of the fact that this March marked the first month without a school shooting in the U.S. since 2002, the National Rifle Association released a statement claiming “Guns don’t kill people, schools being open kill people.”
“Seems like the only thing that changed from February to March was that kids weren’t allowed to go to school because of the pandemic, not an absence of guns,” said an NRA spokesperson. “Maybe the real killer is having these crook schools open 10 months of the year.”
In order to make-up for lost fundraising opportunities, the NRA has had to pivot away from exploiting school shootings to exploiting Americans’ fear of COVID-19.
“We make most of our money from riling people up after a tragedy to go out and buy more guns. After Sandy Hook, boy did our profits jump!” recounted an accountant for the group. “With a lack of kids dying, our organization has had to re-organize our priorities to focus on what consumers want right now. And funny enough, our consumers want even more guns.”
The non-profit has begun embracing the panic surrounding government mandated social-isolation orders, going so far as filing a federal lawsuit in order to reopen gun stores in New York, the epicentre of the virus.
The organization updated their website to cite their new mission: “At our core, we here at the NRA believe that at any moment society will collapse and Americans will require guns to combat each other for the last pieces of toilet paper available. Do not let Governor Cuomo close down our essential gun stores just because he just wants to hoard all the T.P. for his own ass.”
Many avid gun-rights activists have been emboldened by the NRA’s new focus. One Internet user @moreAKsthanWACO commented, “you can’t social distance me from my firearms that’s for damn sure.”
When pressed for comment, the NRA’s president proclaimed that, “It is unconstitutional to come between a gun association and its profits, shit, I mean an American and their right to defend themselves.”


thebeaverton--2020-04-17--Friend with young kids clearly fantasizing about murdering you as you describe how boring isolation

Friend with young kids clearly fantasizing about murdering you as you describe how boring isolation has been

Brandon , MB – Sofie , your friend with two children under the age of 5 , clearly spent most of last night ’ s zoom call thinking of ways to murder you as you talked about how calm and uneventuful isolating at home has been .
“ Oh man , I have nothing to do all day but sit around and watch Netflix , ” you said as Sofie wondered whether hitmen qualified as an essential service and are therefore still working .
“ It ’ s like , I actually have too much time for myself , you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ house has never been cleaner !
” you added in a great impression of Chief Brody throwing some more chum into the ocean .
Life in quarantine has been very different for those who are parents and those who aren ’ t .
For the childless it has mostly meant watching tv shows and movies they like , and getting drunk while forgetting which day of the week it is .
For parents it has mostly meant chasing their children who should be in daycare or school around the house as they destroy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they can send to their childless friends who complain about their lives right now .
“ Yeah , I can see how smoking a joint and taking a long bath wouldn ’ t be as fun the 4th time you do it .
That must… suck for you , ” said Sofie as her hands instinctively curled into a choking grip .
Sofie added that she can relate because every day this week her youngest has pooped on the floor while she was frantically trying to make dinner and clean the kitchen , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Of course when Sofie started going on and on about how her kids keep her too busy to constantly read news stories about mortality rates and feel existential dread about the state of the world it was all you could do to refrain from trying to put your hands into the computer and slap her silly across the internet .

Brandon, MB – Sofie, your friend with two children under the age of 5, clearly spent most of last night’s zoom call thinking of ways to murder you as you talked about how calm and uneventuful isolating at home has been.
“Oh man, I have nothing to do all day but sit around and watch Netflix,” you said as Sofie wondered whether hitmen qualified as an essential service and are therefore still working. “It’s like, I actually have too much time for myself, you know?”
“At least my house has never been cleaner!” you added in a great impression of Chief Brody throwing some more chum into the ocean.
Life in quarantine has been very different for those who are parents and those who aren’t. For the childless it has mostly meant watching tv shows and movies they like, and getting drunk while forgetting which day of the week it is. For parents it has mostly meant chasing their children who should be in daycare or school around the house as they destroy it, and then googling rare poisons they can send to their childless friends who complain about their lives right now.
“Yeah, I can see how smoking a joint and taking a long bath wouldn’t be as fun the 4th time you do it. That must… suck for you,” said Sofie as her hands instinctively curled into a choking grip.
Sofie added that she can relate because every day this week her youngest has pooped on the floor while she was frantically trying to make dinner and clean the kitchen, which is basically the same thing.
Of course when Sofie started going on and on about how her kids keep her too busy to constantly read news stories about mortality rates and feel existential dread about the state of the world it was all you could do to refrain from trying to put your hands into the computer and slap her silly across the internet.


thebeaverton--2020-04-18--Bank CEO reassures worried Canadians: “I’m going to be okay”

TORONTO – As the economic impact of the COVID-19 crisis devastates Canadian household finances , Royal Bank President and CEO David McKay reassured the nation : “ I want you all to know in this difficult time , no matter what happens , I ’ m going to be okay.
” McKay , who made $ 14.5 million in executive compensation in fiscal year 2018 , empathized with customers desperate for debt and interest relief .
“ I get it .
You ’ re scared , you don ’ t know where the money is going to come from .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ to request reduced interest rates , but don ’ t worry : my position is crazy secure right now.
” Speaking from the sculpture room of his luxuriously appointed 14-bedroom mansion on the Bridle Path , McKay reminded RBC customers how the bank is there to help .
“ As long as this crisis lasts , you ’ ll be able to skip mortgage and credit payments .
And we ’ ll collect thousands more on your overdue interest to pay for my collection of Patek Phillippe watches.
” “ I know how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people in the gig economy , ” said the man who has worked for the same company continuously since 1983 .
“ Which is why we ’ re so thrilled to offer direct deposit of your CERB payment .
And we ’ ll get our cut because we can charge you service fees on that .
Let ’ s say , $ 10 ?
Nah , $ 20 !
Yeah , that ’ ll make me look good to shareholders !
” “ We understand that everyone has to make sacrifices , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ goat-cheese quiche while wearing his custom-tailored Brioni suit-jamas .
“ And I want to thank you for flattening the curve , so I can afford to have my housekeeper socially isolate in the 800 square-foot custom marble kitchen.
” McKay then unveiled a new RBC Investments “ Covid-Profit Fund ” for investors over $ 1 million .

TORONTO – As the economic impact of the COVID-19 crisis devastates Canadian household finances, Royal Bank President and CEO David McKay reassured the nation: “I want you all to know in this difficult time, no matter what happens, I’m going to be okay.”
McKay, who made $14.5 million in executive compensation in fiscal year 2018, empathized with customers desperate for debt and interest relief. “I get it. You’re scared, you don’t know where the money is going to come from. You’re having trouble getting through to request reduced interest rates, but don’t worry: my position is crazy secure right now.”
Speaking from the sculpture room of his luxuriously appointed 14-bedroom mansion on the Bridle Path, McKay reminded RBC customers how the bank is there to help. “As long as this crisis lasts, you’ll be able to skip mortgage and credit payments. And we’ll collect thousands more on your overdue interest to pay for my collection of Patek Phillippe watches.”
“I know how hard it must be, especially for people in the gig economy,” said the man who has worked for the same company continuously since 1983. “Which is why we’re so thrilled to offer direct deposit of your CERB payment. And we’ll get our cut because we can charge you service fees on that. Let’s say, $10? Nah, $20! Yeah, that’ll make me look good to shareholders!”
“We understand that everyone has to make sacrifices,” said McKay, munching on fig and goat-cheese quiche while wearing his custom-tailored Brioni suit-jamas. “And I want to thank you for flattening the curve, so I can afford to have my housekeeper socially isolate in the 800 square-foot custom marble kitchen.”
McKay then unveiled a new RBC Investments “Covid-Profit Fund” for investors over $1 million.


thebeaverton--2020-04-19--Business casual dress code no longer includes pants

HAMILTON , ON – Hundreds of workplaces across Canada have officially updated the definition of their business casual dress code to no longer include pants during working hours .
“ Instilling a mandatory work from home policy was going to come with compromises , ” stated Carla Qualtrough , Minister of Employment , Workforce Development and Disability Inclusion .
” We believe a no pants policy will help establish a workplace culture that ’ s manageable for all Canadians.
” Better Business Bureaus across Canada released a joint statement claiming that the priority of all workplaces should be to adapt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ BBBs have asked that employers keep track of workflow in the upcoming weeks to see if a decrease in pants correlates directly with an increase in productivity .
To ensure respectful boundaries are maintained remotely , they suggested that workers needing to leave their seat should excuse themselves , slowly slide onto the ground and then crawl on all fours until they are out of frame .
“ Oh , this was made official ?
” remarked Alison Devros , A Senior Analyst for RBC whose interview via webcam only featured her from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s good .
Because your home is now your office I think a lot of people realized the majority of their wardrobe is dedicated to leaving the house.
” Certain workplaces worry that the removal of pants is only the beginning and that the Business Casual Dress Code will continue to deteriorate should the quarantine be extended .
“ We are opening Pandora ’ s closet and we will not recover from this.
” warns Abraham Steeler , a recently laid-off sales representative at Tip Top Tailors.
” I get up every morning @ @ @ @ @ @ @ suit to do my part and flatten the curve of private indecency.
” At press time Amazon had reported a 400 % increase in bathrobe sales .

HAMILTON, ON – Hundreds of workplaces across Canada have officially updated the definition of their business casual dress code to no longer include pants during working hours.
“Instilling a mandatory work from home policy was going to come with compromises,” stated Carla Qualtrough, Minister of Employment, Workforce Development and Disability Inclusion. ”We believe a no pants policy will help establish a workplace culture that’s manageable for all Canadians.”
Better Business Bureaus across Canada released a joint statement claiming that the priority of all workplaces should be to adapt and support workers’ evolving needs. BBBs have asked that employers keep track of workflow in the upcoming weeks to see if a decrease in pants correlates directly with an increase in productivity. To ensure respectful boundaries are maintained remotely, they suggested that workers needing to leave their seat should excuse themselves, slowly slide onto the ground and then crawl on all fours until they are out of frame.
“Oh, this was made official?” remarked Alison Devros, A Senior Analyst for RBC whose interview via webcam only featured her from the shoulders up. “That’s good. Because your home is now your office I think a lot of people realized the majority of their wardrobe is dedicated to leaving the house.”
Certain workplaces worry that the removal of pants is only the beginning and that the Business Casual Dress Code will continue to deteriorate should the quarantine be extended.
“We are opening Pandora’s closet and we will not recover from this.” warns Abraham Steeler, a recently laid-off sales representative at Tip Top Tailors.”I get up every morning and put on my three-piece Michael Kors suit to do my part and flatten the curve of private indecency.”
At press time Amazon had reported a 400% increase in bathrobe sales.


thebeaverton--2020-04-20--“We need to open up the economy and get back to work,” says COVID-19

FLORIDA – Thousands of protestors took to the streets in the United States this past weekend to demand that social distancing rules end and people be allowed to return to work , including COVID-19 the deadly pandemic that is hoping to kill at least 100,000 people in the U.S. alone .
“ We ’ re sick of being stuck inside , not being able to work , not being able to get our hair cut , ” said the acute respiratory infection .
“ Clearly the so-called experts were wrong and the danger was nowhere near as bad as they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Also you know how many people my buddy the flu kills every year ?
We don ’ t shut down for him !
” the virus added .
The coronavirus fit in well with the other protestors as it was carrying a sign reading “ Live Free or Die , ” wearing a Trump 2020 t-shirt , and also infecting everyone nearby with COVID-19 .
“ We got a constitutional right to congregate and speak our views , no matter Nancy Pelosi has to say !
Also does anyone else suddenly feel cold @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” said protestor Harry Grendel as the virus brushed up against him .
Despite warnings from every epidemiologist alive that the U.S. is not ready to end the lockdown , many Americans are convinced that they really really want to so shut up scientists .
An opinion shared by a pandemic tired of having to infect people 1 to 1 , and looking to do some mass infections asap .
The virus also added that he thinks President Donald Trump is doing a great job and should definitely keep doing those press conferences @ @ @ @ @ @ @ possible .

FLORIDA – Thousands of protestors took to the streets in the United States this past weekend to demand that social distancing rules end and people be allowed to return to work, including COVID-19 the deadly pandemic that is hoping to kill at least 100,000 people in the U.S. alone.
“We’re sick of being stuck inside, not being able to work, not being able to get our hair cut,” said the acute respiratory infection. “Clearly the so-called experts were wrong and the danger was nowhere near as bad as they told us it would be.”
“Also you know how many people my buddy the flu kills every year? We don’t shut down for him!” the virus added.
The coronavirus fit in well with the other protestors as it was carrying a sign reading “Live Free or Die,” wearing a Trump 2020 t-shirt, and also infecting everyone nearby with COVID-19.
“We got a constitutional right to congregate and speak our views, no matter Nancy Pelosi has to say! Also does anyone else suddenly feel cold and hot at the same time?” said protestor Harry Grendel as the virus brushed up against him.
Despite warnings from every epidemiologist alive that the U.S. is not ready to end the lockdown, many Americans are convinced that they really really want to so shut up scientists. An opinion shared by a pandemic tired of having to infect people 1 to 1, and looking to do some mass infections asap.
The virus also added that he thinks President Donald Trump is doing a great job and should definitely keep doing those press conferences where he spreads misinformation as much as possible.


thebeaverton--2020-04-21--Deformed sourdough unceremoniously buried under the cover of night

Orillia , ON – What began as one quarantined woman ’ s attempt at bringing yet another sourdough bread into the world , has ended in tragedy as the severely disfigured loaf is currently being unceremoniously buried under the dark cover of night .
“ I just don ’ t know what went wrong ” muttered Heidi McLintok as she fastened her cloak and began trudging through the wilderness , her loaf bundled in what appeared to be a burlap sack .
“ Six days .
Six days I spent tirelessly feeding my starter and watching it grow .
And @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the recipe but look at it .
No one would ever click like on this abomination.
” According to McLintok , the loaf suffered many defects that left it unviable and ungramable at its time of completion , reportedly letting out a loud shriek before deflating into a misshapen blob seconds after leaving the oven .
Though it may have been a difficult decision , deep down , McLintok believes she is doing what ’ s right .
“ This just seemed like the best option ” huffed McLintok between deep spikes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ended differently but everyone is posting pictures of their beautiful bundles of joy and I just don ’ t want that… thing associated with me ” She added , her words slightly muffled as she clenched a flashlight between her teeth .
McLintok then lowered her malformed bread into a shallow , unmarked grave and exited the woods , pausing only to make sure no one had witnessed her callous abandonment or heard her loaf ’ s muffled cries of ‘ mommy ?
’ before returning home as though nothing had happened .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ McLintok has taken a bread ’ s life .
She already has several banana breads hidden in her freezer and part of a cornbread in her crawl space .
But she is sure the home made donuts she is planning to make tomorrow “ will be great .
”

Orillia, ON – What began as one quarantined woman’s attempt at bringing yet another sourdough bread into the world, has ended in tragedy as the severely disfigured loaf is currently being unceremoniously buried under the dark cover of night.
“I just don’t know what went wrong” muttered Heidi McLintok as she fastened her cloak and began trudging through the wilderness, her loaf bundled in what appeared to be a burlap sack. “Six days. Six days I spent tirelessly feeding my starter and watching it grow. And for what? I did everything according to the recipe but look at it. No one would ever click like on this abomination.”
According to McLintok, the loaf suffered many defects that left it unviable and ungramable at its time of completion, reportedly letting out a loud shriek before deflating into a misshapen blob seconds after leaving the oven. Though it may have been a difficult decision, deep down, McLintok believes she is doing what’s right.
“This just seemed like the best option” huffed McLintok between deep spikes of her shovel “ I wish things ended differently but everyone is posting pictures of their beautiful bundles of joy and I just don’t want that… thing associated with me” She added, her words slightly muffled as she clenched a flashlight between her teeth.
McLintok then lowered her malformed bread into a shallow, unmarked grave and exited the woods, pausing only to make sure no one had witnessed her callous abandonment or heard her loaf’s muffled cries of ‘mommy?’ before returning home as though nothing had happened.
This isn’t the first time McLintok has taken a bread’s life. She already has several banana breads hidden in her freezer and part of a cornbread in her crawl space. But she is sure the home made donuts she is planning to make tomorrow “will be great.”


thebeaverton--2020-04-21--Nation more aerodynamic than ever after everyone shaves head during lockdown

OTTAWA – After several weeks in self-isolation , and several months after their last haircut , thousands of Canadians took matters into their own hands and opted to shave their heads .
This thereby solidified Canada ’ s status as the world ’ s most aerodynamic nation .
“ I noticed that my hair was just starting to grow over my ears , which I find abhorrent , repulsive , and the mark of a collapsing society , ” said a defensive Charlie Naccarto from Red Deer , Alberta .
“ I guess it could have been the cabin-fever or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ day-drinking every day since social distancing measures had been enacted , but I said fuck it and started hacking away.
” Surprisingly , many Canadians were already in possession of salon-quality hair clippers .
Though prior to the COVID-19 pandemic , the only hair that ever graced said clippers were pubic in nature .
“ So I shaved my partner ’ s head , and then they shaved my head , ” whispered a shell-shocked Sam Ricardo from Montreal , running their hands over their patchy scalp .
“ Now when we take @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve definitely noticed a reduction in drag… which is good , I think ?
” Scientists from the University of Toronto have begun research into Canadians ’ post-shave flow .
Dr. Gladys Soursby assured reporters that her team ’ s dynamic modelling shows a significant decrease in turbulence in Canadians moving through space , which is especially needed to maintain optimal social distance .
“ We ’ ve begun some preliminary wind tunnel experiments , ” said a breathless Dr. Soursby .
“ Thanks to thousands of voluntarily bald Canadians , who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t become the first country with citizens who ’ ve evolved to be hypersonic !
” Reportedly , once the U.S. caught wind of Canada ’ s newest superlative , President Trump ordered all NASA funding be reinvested into this matter and for all Americans to “ shave down to the skin , even if your head shape is lumpy and weird .
”

OTTAWA – After several weeks in self-isolation, and several months after their last haircut, thousands of Canadians took matters into their own hands and opted to shave their heads. This thereby solidified Canada’s status as the world’s most aerodynamic nation.
“I noticed that my hair was just starting to grow over my ears, which I find abhorrent, repulsive, and the mark of a collapsing society,” said a defensive Charlie Naccarto from Red Deer, Alberta. “I guess it could have been the cabin-fever or the fact that I’ve been day-drinking every day since social distancing measures had been enacted, but I said fuck it and started hacking away.”
Surprisingly, many Canadians were already in possession of salon-quality hair clippers. Though prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, the only hair that ever graced said clippers were pubic in nature.
“So I shaved my partner’s head, and then they shaved my head,” whispered a shell-shocked Sam Ricardo from Montreal, running their hands over their patchy scalp. “Now when we take our hour long evening walk, we’ve definitely noticed a reduction in drag… which is good, I think?”
Scientists from the University of Toronto have begun research into Canadians’ post-shave flow. Dr. Gladys Soursby assured reporters that her team’s dynamic modelling shows a significant decrease in turbulence in Canadians moving through space, which is especially needed to maintain optimal social distance.
“We’ve begun some preliminary wind tunnel experiments,” said a breathless Dr. Soursby. “Thanks to thousands of voluntarily bald Canadians, who’s to say that we can’t become the first country with citizens who’ve evolved to be hypersonic!”
Reportedly, once the U.S. caught wind of Canada’s newest superlative, President Trump ordered all NASA funding be reinvested into this matter and for all Americans to “shave down to the skin, even if your head shape is lumpy and weird.”


thebeaverton--2020-04-22--“We’re good,” ISS astronauts decline returning to Earth

HOUSTON – For the first time ever , astronauts aboard the International Space Station have declined to return to Earth , saying : “ Nah , we ’ re good .
Maybe later.
” The message was relayed shortly after a Soyuz capsule had docked , bringing three new crewmembers and ready to bring back three veterans from the ISS .
A confused mission control asked for clarification and received a variety of answers .
“ I ’ m growing some zucchini in the Destiny Lab , ” responded Commander Oleg Skripochka of Roscosmos .
“ I really want to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me in a couple of months.
” “ Yeah , and I have an ant farm , ” added NASA Flight Engineer Jessica Meir .
“ Those little guys suffer from abandonment issues .
I can ’ t leave them now.
” There was concern that the astronauts and cosmonauts decided to stay on the ISS due to current conditions on Earth , but they assured mission control they weren ’ t reacting to any specific worldwide catastrophe , they just really love being in orbit .
“ It ’ s nothing against @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Morgan .
“ I ’ m sure everything ’ s going great down there .
I see air pollution fading all over the place , so you guys must be doing something right.
” The arriving crew were excited to get on board and settle in .
There was immediately a group discussion about constructing a new “ family ” module within the next month for “ when the kids get visas to fly to Kazakstan.
” As the transmission from the ISS ended , technicians at mission control reported hearing the crew @ @ @ @ @ @ @ egg-like object they had just seen floating by .

HOUSTON – For the first time ever, astronauts aboard the International Space Station have declined to return to Earth, saying: “Nah, we’re good. Maybe later.”
The message was relayed shortly after a Soyuz capsule had docked, bringing three new crewmembers and ready to bring back three veterans from the ISS. A confused mission control asked for clarification and received a variety of answers.
“I’m growing some zucchini in the Destiny Lab,” responded Commander Oleg Skripochka of Roscosmos. “I really want to see how that turns out. Catch me in a couple of months.”
“Yeah, and I have an ant farm,” added NASA Flight Engineer Jessica Meir. “Those little guys suffer from abandonment issues. I can’t leave them now.”
There was concern that the astronauts and cosmonauts decided to stay on the ISS due to current conditions on Earth, but they assured mission control they weren’t reacting to any specific worldwide catastrophe, they just really love being in orbit.
“It’s nothing against the Earth,” said astronaut Andrew Morgan. “I’m sure everything’s going great down there. I see air pollution fading all over the place, so you guys must be doing something right.”
The arriving crew were excited to get on board and settle in. There was immediately a group discussion about constructing a new “family” module within the next month for “when the kids get visas to fly to Kazakstan.”
As the transmission from the ISS ended, technicians at mission control reported hearing the crew voting to bring inside a leathery, egg-like object they had just seen floating by.


thebeaverton--2020-04-22--Protester holding “Live Free or Die” sign excited to do both

Olympia , WA — As a participant in the protests against COVID related stay-at-home orders , conservative Tyler Loftis held a “ Live Free or Die ” sign to show his excitement to do both .
“ Governor Jay Inslee is infringing on our god given right to move freely , catch a devastating virus and die separated from our loved ones , ” said Loftis to reporters at the Washington State Capitol rally .
“ We have to protest this , even to our last breath .
So probably until next Tuesday or so.
” Anti-lockdown demonstrations have spread @ @ @ @ @ @ @ libertarians and anti-vaxxers take umbrage with the government stopping them from vital parts of daily life like getting a haircut or sitting in a Starbucks , slowly drinking a coffee while milking the free wifi for all it ’ s worth .
With infection rates beginning to slow in several states , protesters see now as a critical moment to take to the streets and catch COVID-19 before it ’ s too late .
“ We won ’ t have this chance again , to fight for our freedom while also catching coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a John Adams quote : “ There is no question whatsoever that the defence of liberty means risking all hazards , including a contagious virus that will kill thousands and also devastate the economy.
” “ Those Democrats don ’ t want us dying by the thousands .
And we ’ re not going to let them have their way !
” Loftis was also joined by his friend Nora Bowman , who carried a sign with the statement “ Give Me Liberty And Give Me COVID.
” “ I ’ d be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ The government can lift restrictions on businesses so I can go out and catch the virus myself , or if it ’ s easier they can send me a petri dish to lick .
What ’ s important is that we draw this pandemic out for as long as possible.
” Health officials have urged citizens not to see pandemic response strategies as partisan , but also stated that if far-right groups are going to risk exposure by meeting in large crowds without wearing masks , they should really pack as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can .

Olympia, WA — As a participant in the protests against COVID related stay-at-home orders, conservative Tyler Loftis held a “Live Free or Die” sign to show his excitement to do both.
“Governor Jay Inslee is infringing on our god given right to move freely, catch a devastating virus and die separated from our loved ones,” said Loftis to reporters at the Washington State Capitol rally. “We have to protest this, even to our last breath. So probably until next Tuesday or so.”
Anti-lockdown demonstrations have spread across the country as far-right groups, libertarians and anti-vaxxers take umbrage with the government stopping them from vital parts of daily life like getting a haircut or sitting in a Starbucks, slowly drinking a coffee while milking the free wifi for all it’s worth. With infection rates beginning to slow in several states, protesters see now as a critical moment to take to the streets and catch COVID-19 before it’s too late.
“We won’t have this chance again, to fight for our freedom while also catching coronavirus,” said Loftis, before paraphrasing a John Adams quote: “There is no question whatsoever that the defence of liberty means risking all hazards, including a contagious virus that will kill thousands and also devastate the economy.”
“Those Democrats don’t want us dying by the thousands. And we’re not going to let them have their way!”
Loftis was also joined by his friend Nora Bowman, who carried a sign with the statement “Give Me Liberty And Give Me COVID.”
“I’d be happy with either,” she explained. “The government can lift restrictions on businesses so I can go out and catch the virus myself, or if it’s easier they can send me a petri dish to lick. What’s important is that we draw this pandemic out for as long as possible.”
Health officials have urged citizens not to see pandemic response strategies as partisan, but also stated that if far-right groups are going to risk exposure by meeting in large crowds without wearing masks, they should really pack as many gun-rights nuts in there as they can.


thebeaverton--2020-04-22--God tests positive for COVID-19 after church services continue

HEAVEN – After religious groups have continued to go to church despite warnings about large public gatherings , The Almighty One has contracted COVID-19 .
“ At first I thought I just had a sore throat from shouting at church pastors who were risking other people ’ s lives , ” said Our Lord .
“ But then I started coughing and I just couldn ’ t really wake up in the morning .
Most people can ’ t get testing that quickly but I know a guy at Mount Sinai and after they ushered me through , I got @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Light was apparently “ super pissed ” that people continued to gather at churches despite how many scientists he put on earth to tell them to stay home rather than risk the lives of everyone around them .
“ I say love thy neighbour over and over and what does Pastor Lorenzi do ?
Brings his dumb ass into my house and tells his germy-ass church goers to send their germy-ass prayers at me .
As per usual , I made it super clear what I wanted and that was for people to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ watching Friends .
Why do they think I made Matthew Perry so funny ?
” Karen Patterson of Waterloo talked to reporters about why she was continuing to attend church .
“ This is the day of our Lord , and if I am not there in person despite how much it harms others , how can I call myself a good Christian ?
” “ I get that it ’ s hard to social distance , ” said He who is All .
“ I myself am trying to social distance myself @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but it ’ s tough because they are incorporated within me .
At the very least I am still staying social by zooming with Vishnu , Buddha , Thor , and Muhammed .
We ’ re going to play Jackbox next week !
” While the One True God has been designated an essential worker , he revealed that he does have plans to continue working this week despite his COVID-19 diagnosis , with plans to potentially rest on the seventh day , “ If I ’ m lucky.
” At the time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ order has been placed on Heaven which has made it very difficult as God reports heaven is mostly about “ All the fucking .
”

HEAVEN – After religious groups have continued to go to church despite warnings about large public gatherings, The Almighty One has contracted COVID-19.
“At first I thought I just had a sore throat from shouting at church pastors who were risking other people’s lives,” said Our Lord. “But then I started coughing and I just couldn’t really wake up in the morning. Most people can’t get testing that quickly but I know a guy at Mount Sinai and after they ushered me through, I got the results back right away.”
The Light was apparently “super pissed” that people continued to gather at churches despite how many scientists he put on earth to tell them to stay home rather than risk the lives of everyone around them.
“I say love thy neighbour over and over and what does Pastor Lorenzi do? Brings his dumb ass into my house and tells his germy-ass church goers to send their germy-ass prayers at me. As per usual, I made it super clear what I wanted and that was for people to just worship me while staying home and watching Friends. Why do they think I made Matthew Perry so funny?”
Karen Patterson of Waterloo talked to reporters about why she was continuing to attend church. “This is the day of our Lord, and if I am not there in person despite how much it harms others, how can I call myself a good Christian?”
“I get that it’s hard to social distance,” said He who is All. “I myself am trying to social distance myself from the son and the holy spirit but it’s tough because they are incorporated within me. At the very least I am still staying social by zooming with Vishnu, Buddha, Thor, and Muhammed. We’re going to play Jackbox next week!”
While the One True God has been designated an essential worker, he revealed that he does have plans to continue working this week despite his COVID-19 diagnosis, with plans to potentially rest on the seventh day, “If I’m lucky.”
At the time of reporting, a stay at home order has been placed on Heaven which has made it very difficult as God reports heaven is mostly about “All the fucking.”


thebeaverton--2020-04-23--Sign language interpreters now surpass rock stars in jobs that fuck

VANCOUVER – COVID-19 isn ’ t the only fever spreading these days .
According to a recent poll , sign language interpreters now outrank rock stars when it comes to jobs that fuck .
Due to the current increase in announcements by government officials , sign language interpreters have been getting exposure like never before .
Every day , crowds of thousands flock to their televisions to watch these communication gods translate one language to another through facial expressions , hand movements , and pure unmasked sex appeal .
“ It ’ s so sexy , how they ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ inclusive world !
I get all hot and bothered at how precise and quick they are with their hands , ” said fan Gwen Hsu .
“ Way sexier than a gyrating rock star trying to penetrate the very essence of my soul through song !
Like , ew !
” Traditionally , sign language interpreters have ranked 147th in the annual Jobs That Fuck poll .
Since the pandemic , they have skyrocketed to the number one spot , beating out the usual favourites including rock stars , underwear models , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to learn how to love again .
It ’ s a welcome development according to 38-year-old Stuart Gibblesman , one of the most well-known of the new breed of steamy sign language interpreters and the creator of the universal sign for “ three-way.
” Gibblesman , considered the resident bad boy of the American Sign Language world , says that “ all of this attention on us translators has been really great for highlighting the importance of sign language and accessibility .
But if I ’ m being honest , I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sex symbols now ?
The one time in human history when no one can go out and have sex with enthusiastic strangers !
?
If we weren ’ t self-isolating I swear I would- ” Gibblesman then took 20 minutes to explicitly describe what he would do with his newfound sex symbol status via sign language .
This publication is not legally allowed to relay his statements due to current obscenity laws .

VANCOUVER – COVID-19 isn’t the only fever spreading these days. According to a recent poll, sign language interpreters now outrank rock stars when it comes to jobs that fuck.
Due to the current increase in announcements by government officials, sign language interpreters have been getting exposure like never before. Every day, crowds of thousands flock to their televisions to watch these communication gods translate one language to another through facial expressions, hand movements, and pure unmasked sex appeal.
“It’s so sexy, how they’re symbols of society working towards a more inclusive world! I get all hot and bothered at how precise and quick they are with their hands,” said fan Gwen Hsu. “Way sexier than a gyrating rock star trying to penetrate the very essence of my soul through song! Like, ew!”
Traditionally, sign language interpreters have ranked 147th in the annual Jobs That Fuck poll. Since the pandemic, they have skyrocketed to the number one spot, beating out the usual favourites including rock stars, underwear models, and hot widowed elementary school science teachers desperate to learn how to love again.
It’s a welcome development according to 38-year-old Stuart Gibblesman, one of the most well-known of the new breed of steamy sign language interpreters and the creator of the universal sign for “three-way.”
Gibblesman, considered the resident bad boy of the American Sign Language world, says that “all of this attention on us translators has been really great for highlighting the importance of sign language and accessibility. But if I’m being honest, I’m pissed! Why are we only becoming sex symbols now? The one time in human history when no one can go out and have sex with enthusiastic strangers!? If we weren’t self-isolating I swear I would-”
Gibblesman then took 20 minutes to explicitly describe what he would do with his newfound sex symbol status via sign language. This publication is not legally allowed to relay his statements due to current obscenity laws.


thebeaverton--2020-04-23--Local woman discovers date’s numerous red flags over Zoom

CALGARY – A recent first date held over Zoom allowed Olivia Pepta , 28 , to see the warning signs and troubling behaviours of her potential suitor without risking infection .
With the whole nation under safer-at-home orders , many lonely hearts are going on virtual first dates , using Zoom or Google Hangouts .
“ Some things are different now , like the first red flag used to be someone being rude to a server , whereas now it ’ s a Scarface poster in the background .
Or instead of a guy smelling bad , it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ smells bad , ” said Pepta .
“ But you still get some of the classics like ‘ you ’ re really smart for a girl , ” and ‘ you ’ re not one of those feminists are you ’ , just with a slight delay , ” Pepta added .
Olivia ’ s date reportedly threw up numerous warning signs , including : not bothering to clean even the 3 square feet that were visible on camera ; making repeated hacky jokes about ‘ bringing her back to his place ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and mentioning the private high school he went to a dozen times .
Perhaps the most troubling red flag was when she realized he wasn ’ t quarantining with his mother to take care of her , but rather so he wouldn ’ t have to cook .
“ Just because it ’ s a pandemic doesn ’ t mean you shouldn ’ t put yourself out there to be constantly disappointed in men .
And now I can get out of a date by saying my internet has crashed .
Before I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a ‘ work thing ’ , ” stated Pepta .
“ I find myself going on more second dates .
It ’ s not because first dates are any better , I just have a lot more time to fill.
” Since the introduction of safer at home rules dating apps like Hinge and tinder have seen an increase in use , though both services have been dwarfed in popularity by ‘ sending your ex sad texts at 3 in the morning ’ .

CALGARY – A recent first date held over Zoom allowed Olivia Pepta, 28, to see the warning signs and troubling behaviours of her potential suitor without risking infection.
With the whole nation under safer-at-home orders, many lonely hearts are going on virtual first dates, using Zoom or Google Hangouts.
“Some things are different now, like the first red flag used to be someone being rude to a server, whereas now it’s a Scarface poster in the background. Or instead of a guy smelling bad, it’s just that he really looks like he smells bad,” said Pepta.
“But you still get some of the classics like ‘you’re really smart for a girl,” and ‘you’re not one of those feminists are you’, just with a slight delay,” Pepta added.
Olivia’s date reportedly threw up numerous warning signs, including: not bothering to clean even the 3 square feet that were visible on camera; making repeated hacky jokes about ‘bringing her back to his place’; playing Fortnite during the date; and mentioning the private high school he went to a dozen times.
Perhaps the most troubling red flag was when she realized he wasn’t quarantining with his mother to take care of her, but rather so he wouldn’t have to cook.
“Just because it’s a pandemic doesn’t mean you shouldn’t put yourself out there to be constantly disappointed in men. And now I can get out of a date by saying my internet has crashed. Before I had to fake a sick pet or a ‘work thing’,” stated Pepta. “I find myself going on more second dates. It’s not because first dates are any better, I just have a lot more time to fill.”
Since the introduction of safer at home rules dating apps like Hinge and tinder have seen an increase in use, though both services have been dwarfed in popularity by ‘sending your ex sad texts at 3 in the morning’.


thebeaverton--2020-04-23--Report: 60% of illuminati can’t figure out how to join video call

WORLDWIDE – Attendance of regularly scheduled Illuminati council meetings have dropped to 40 % , largely due to technical issues with the video meeting hosting programs being used .
“ I mean , It keeps saying connecting , but then it never stops loading , ” said long time member and U.S .
Senator Elton Sawer .
“ Normally , I would get my assistant to set this up , but then I ’ d have to kill her .
The timing couldn ’ t be worse .
We were finally going to make plans for starting World War III @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the cabal members have made into the call , many inside are also reporting plenty of technical issues .
“ Everyone looks like a blurry hood , I can ’ t tell who ’ s saying what , ” complained Samsung executive Cameron Redpath .
“ I think Bezos said something about activating our agents in Korea , but the sound cut out , so I don ’ t know if they were referring to the North or South !
Really wish we had let in that Zuckerberg kid last year.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ many members feel that video conferencing is not an ideal venue for Illuminati meetings .
“ I don ’ t have enough room to draw a good pentagram in my home office .
Plus my kids keep walking when we ’ re about to start the blood sacrifice , ” Redpath commented .
“ And let ’ s not forget that the orgy is a total non-starter now.
” Despite technical difficulties , the elite , shadowy architects of the New World Order have attempted to troubleshoot the issues in a number of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ refreshing the page , I ’ ve tried leaving the call and rejoining it .
I even stepped out of my underground lair to see if I could get a better signal , but nothing works , ” said Weird Al Yankovic .
“ I ’ m starting to wonder if starting this pandemic was a good idea in the first place.
” This isn ’ t the first time technical issues have plagued the Illuminati .
Reports that the organization has had trouble turning on the tiny cameras on the U.S. dollar @ @ @ @ @ @ @ smartphones , and hacking the 1800 election .
In related news , the lizard people were reportedly having their own issues with video calls , as no one would pay for a pro account .

WORLDWIDE – Attendance of regularly scheduled Illuminati council meetings have dropped to 40%, largely due to technical issues with the video meeting hosting programs being used.
“I mean, It keeps saying connecting, but then it never stops loading,” said long time member and U.S. Senator Elton Sawer. “Normally, I would get my assistant to set this up, but then I’d have to kill her. The timing couldn’t be worse. We were finally going to make plans for starting World War III this week!”
Even though some of the cabal members have made into the call, many inside are also reporting plenty of technical issues. “Everyone looks like a blurry hood, I can’t tell who’s saying what,” complained Samsung executive Cameron Redpath. “I think Bezos said something about activating our agents in Korea, but the sound cut out, so I don’t know if they were referring to the North or South! Really wish we had let in that Zuckerberg kid last year.”
In addition to the technical difficulties, many members feel that video conferencing is not an ideal venue for Illuminati meetings. “I don’t have enough room to draw a good pentagram in my home office. Plus my kids keep walking when we’re about to start the blood sacrifice,” Redpath commented.
“And let’s not forget that the orgy is a total non-starter now.”
Despite technical difficulties, the elite, shadowy architects of the New World Order have attempted to troubleshoot the issues in a number of ways. “I’ve tried refreshing the page, I’ve tried leaving the call and rejoining it. I even stepped out of my underground lair to see if I could get a better signal, but nothing works,” said Weird Al Yankovic. “I’m starting to wonder if starting this pandemic was a good idea in the first place.”
This isn’t the first time technical issues have plagued the Illuminati. Reports that the organization has had trouble turning on the tiny cameras on the U.S. dollar bill, putting subliminal messages on newer smartphones, and hacking the 1800 election.
In related news, the lizard people were reportedly having their own issues with video calls, as no one would pay for a pro account.


thebeaverton--2020-04-24--Calgary Stampede cancelled, chuckwagon horses to be euthanized anyway

CALGARY – After announcing that the Calgary Stampede would be cancelled for the first time in its 108-year history due to the COVID-19 pandemic , Stampede organizers were at pains to stress that this would not hinder the traditional killing of chuckwagon horses that accompany the large rodeo festival .
“ While ‘ The Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth ’ will sadly not go on this year , we want everyone to rest assured that the equine slaughter that goes along with it will continue , ” a spokesperson for the Stampede said .
“ Since the horse death toll @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in a given year , we ’ ve decided to go with the average and kill two point five horses.
” “ There is still some debate about whether the half a horse should be a juvenile horse , a miniature horse , or a pony , we ’ ll let the public know once that minor detail has been ironed out.
” The chuckwagon races have typically been the deadliest activity for horses in the Stampede , with the second highest number of horse deaths attributed to equipment failure caused by horses @ @ @ @ @ @ @ humans .
“ We considered holding off and simply doubling the number of horse deaths at the 2021 Stampede , but it was decided that killing several horses this year will give Calgarians a taste of the normality that has sadly been taken from us , ” the Stampede spokesperson continued .
“ And if people want to eat a fried donut and drink a beer while they watch along from home , we will be livestreaming the euthanization online , for charity.
” After somehow catching wind of their impending deaths , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what their handlers believe is a touching tribute to the cancelled rodeo .

CALGARY – After announcing that the Calgary Stampede would be cancelled for the first time in its 108-year history due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Stampede organizers were at pains to stress that this would not hinder the traditional killing of chuckwagon horses that accompany the large rodeo festival.
“While ‘The Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth’ will sadly not go on this year, we want everyone to rest assured that the equine slaughter that goes along with it will continue,” a spokesperson for the Stampede said. “Since the horse death toll can fall anywhere between zero and twelve in a given year, we’ve decided to go with the average and kill two point five horses.”
“There is still some debate about whether the half a horse should be a juvenile horse, a miniature horse, or a pony, we’ll let the public know once that minor detail has been ironed out.”
The chuckwagon races have typically been the deadliest activity for horses in the Stampede, with the second highest number of horse deaths attributed to equipment failure caused by horses riding midway attractions designed for much lighter humans.
“We considered holding off and simply doubling the number of horse deaths at the 2021 Stampede, but it was decided that killing several horses this year will give Calgarians a taste of the normality that has sadly been taken from us,” the Stampede spokesperson continued. “And if people want to eat a fried donut and drink a beer while they watch along from home, we will be livestreaming the euthanization online, for charity.”
After somehow catching wind of their impending deaths, several chuckwagon horses were seen stampeding in what their handlers believe is a touching tribute to the cancelled rodeo.


thebeaverton--2020-04-24--EDITORIAL: Here’s how I boil my mail to protect myself from COVID-19

In these trying times , it ’ s important to take some extra precautions to protect yourself from COVID-19 – even if those precautions seem a bit “ kooky ” or “ not based on real science.
” I get a lot of mail – cheques , party invitations , recently rediscovered sunken Nazi gold – and while it ’ s difficult to transmit the virus through paper , it ’ s better to be safe than sorry !
Here ’ s my favourite method to boil mail .
Bring a big pot of fresh bottled glacier water to a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from a private glacier refinery in Iceland because our contact , Helgi , also hoards the nation ’ s largest stockpile of N95 masks , so we know he ’ s being safe about it .
If you don ’ t have a Helgi of your own , some non-GMO bleach will do in a pinch .
While the water boils , add a sachet of small-batch dehydrated hand sanitizer , a sprig of locally sourced lavender , and a 100 % -effective black label Lysol wipe .
Regular Lysol only kills 99.9 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my social circles , belonging to the top 1/10th of 1 percent is far more common than you think .
I ’ d rather be safe than risk setting foot in a public hospital !
All of these ingredients are available in abundance on Secret Billionaire Amazon , but if your invite code is still buried somewhere in your pile of unboiled mail , store bought is okay .
You ’ ll need to leave it to simmer for at least four hours to kill all of the COVID-causing thetans in the water @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your walking cloak and stroll your bunker ’ s hydroxychloroquine shelves .
If your private contact at Sanofi failed to deliver your requested tonnage , I had my gardeners build a 10-acre underground forest out of toilet paper before I fired them for looking like they have a fever .
It ’ s a lovely walk as well .
After four hours , use some old ice tongs to drop your mail , letter by letter , into the water .
Sometimes this process can melt the wax seal , but in these @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the best .
If you ’ re expecting larger packages – we ’ re waiting on some essentials , including new italian leather horse tack and a darling set of Eyes Wide Shut sex masks – simply heat your indoor pool to boiling and repeat the steps above .
And that ’ s it !
It ’ s never been easier to keep yourself , your petulant son , and your frigid husband safe from contracting COVID-19 through the mail .
See you at the 2021 Met Gala !

by an Anonymous Billionaire
In these trying times, it’s important to take some extra precautions to protect yourself from COVID-19 – even if those precautions seem a bit “kooky” or “not based on real science.” I get a lot of mail – cheques, party invitations, recently rediscovered sunken Nazi gold – and while it’s difficult to transmit the virus through paper, it’s better to be safe than sorry! Here’s my favourite method to boil mail.
Bring a big pot of fresh bottled glacier water to a boil. We get ours airlifted in from a private glacier refinery in Iceland because our contact, Helgi, also hoards the nation’s largest stockpile of N95 masks, so we know he’s being safe about it. If you don’t have a Helgi of your own, some non-GMO bleach will do in a pinch.
While the water boils, add a sachet of small-batch dehydrated hand sanitizer, a sprig of locally sourced lavender, and a 100%-effective black label Lysol wipe. Regular Lysol only kills 99.9% of germs, but judging by my social circles, belonging to the top 1/10th of 1 percent is far more common than you think. I’d rather be safe than risk setting foot in a public hospital! All of these ingredients are available in abundance on Secret Billionaire Amazon, but if your invite code is still buried somewhere in your pile of unboiled mail, store bought is okay.
You’ll need to leave it to simmer for at least four hours to kill all of the COVID-causing thetans in the water, so take some time to don your walking cloak and stroll your bunker’s hydroxychloroquine shelves. If your private contact at Sanofi failed to deliver your requested tonnage, I had my gardeners build a 10-acre underground forest out of toilet paper before I fired them for looking like they have a fever. It’s a lovely walk as well.
After four hours, use some old ice tongs to drop your mail, letter by letter, into the water. Sometimes this process can melt the wax seal, but in these trying times, it’s for the best. If you’re expecting larger packages – we’re waiting on some essentials, including new italian leather horse tack and a darling set of Eyes Wide Shut sex masks – simply heat your indoor pool to boiling and repeat the steps above.
And that’s it! It’s never been easier to keep yourself, your petulant son, and your frigid husband safe from contracting COVID-19 through the mail. See you at the 2021 Met Gala!