thebeaverton--2020-10-31--Canadian vampires can’t agree if blood should come in bags, jugs, or cartons

CALGARY – Canada ’ s vampire community is once again embroiled in the age-old question of whether it ’ s more Canadian to drink blood from a bag , a jug , or a carton .
“ I think it all comes down to where you come from and what you ’ re used to , ” says Gothika Le Rue , a 30-year-old vampire who lives in Calgary .
“ I always buy my blood in a carton , because I like the smaller container and it seems more quaint .
Plus , it ’ s probably all in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ blood just tastes better coming out of a carton.
” “ No , no , no , ” argues Phester St. Germaine , a vampire in Toronto who was turned 60 years ago and has very strong feelings on the subject .
“ Blood should come in bags .
That ’ s just how it is .
I can ’ t tell you how strange it is to visit another vampire ’ s lair and see he keeps his blood in a jug .
A jug !
That ’ s so weird !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ their blood out of bags but the practice is still seen as unusual in some parts of the country , likely owing to the fact that most vampire media depicts blood as coming out of cartons , plastic jugs , or supple young victims .
“ I get my blood in jugs now , but I miss when blood came in glass bottles , ” says Mort Blacque , a centenarian bloodsucker from Vancouver .
“ The bloodman would deliver it fresh , right to your door .
It ’ s funny , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Just yesterday I used an app on my phone to have two jugs of blood delivered to my crypt !
Just like old times !
” “ The delivery driver tasted terrible , though .
People today are so full of microplastics .
Yuck.
” While the bag vs. jug vs. carton debate continues to rage , a small but increasing number of environmentalist vampires are petitioning the Canadian government to ban hard-to-recycle blood bags , jugs and cartons altogether and to begin storing the Canadian blood supply in easily recycled pop-top @ @ @

CALGARY – Canada’s vampire community is once again embroiled in the age-old question of whether it’s more Canadian to drink blood from a bag, a jug, or a carton.
“I think it all comes down to where you come from and what you’re used to,” says Gothika Le Rue, a 30-year-old vampire who lives in Calgary. “I always buy my blood in a carton, because I like the smaller container and it seems more quaint. Plus, it’s probably all in my head, but I feel like blood just tastes better coming out of a carton.”
“No, no, no,” argues Phester St. Germaine, a vampire in Toronto who was turned 60 years ago and has very strong feelings on the subject. “Blood should come in bags. That’s just how it is. I can’t tell you how strange it is to visit another vampire’s lair and see he keeps his blood in a jug. A jug! That’s so weird!”
Roughly half of Canadian vampires drink their blood out of bags but the practice is still seen as unusual in some parts of the country, likely owing to the fact that most vampire media depicts blood as coming out of cartons, plastic jugs, or supple young victims.
“I get my blood in jugs now, but I miss when blood came in glass bottles,” says Mort Blacque, a centenarian bloodsucker from Vancouver. “The bloodman would deliver it fresh, right to your door. It’s funny, how the old ways often come back. Just yesterday I used an app on my phone to have two jugs of blood delivered to my crypt! Just like old times!”
“The delivery driver tasted terrible, though. People today are so full of microplastics. Yuck.”
While the bag vs. jug vs. carton debate continues to rage, a small but increasing number of environmentalist vampires are petitioning the Canadian government to ban hard-to-recycle blood bags, jugs and cartons altogether and to begin storing the Canadian blood supply in easily recycled pop-top aluminum cans.


thebeaverton--2020-11-01--People are looking at your LinkedIn profile, and boy are they horrified!

Good news !
Your career is about to go in a bold new direction , because thanks to the new changes you made to your LinkedIn profile , 4 people looked at it !
Bad news , they do NOT like it and are not going to hire you for the positions of Law Student in Australia , Grocery Clerk or Communications guru .
That ’ s right , 4 people looked at your LinkedIn profile , but we can only tell you who three of them are because the other one is a secret !
It ’ s probably @ @ @ @ @ @ @ work for !
Definitely not a pervert !
You are getting noticed !
And your work and accomplishments are being recognized !
It was probably because you sent Alex a message in 2007 congratulating him on his work anniversary !
When he responded “ What is this ?
” that was a sign that you were excelling at one of the most essential skills in building a career – online networking .
There is hope for your profile though – people who looked at your profile also looked at the profile of Carly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Bakery , a company that is nowhere near your field of work , but that just means the range of your network is off the charts .
Whoa !
Hold on !
Your name came up in a job search 2 times last month !
People are looking to give you money for your skills !
But unfortunately , when Shawn B and The Government of Japan saw your profile come up they both said aloud “ No thank you ” closed their laptops , and threw those laptops out the window into @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we can turn this around if you join LinkedIn Premium for just $ 100 per month .
With LinkedIn Premium , not only will we let you know which members of your high school graduating class you are making more money than , if any , we will also reveal the creepy weirdos who were secretly lurking around your LinkedIn Profile !
With Premium , you still won ’ t have a job , but at least there will be no secrets between us .
Finally , don ’ t forget to update @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , so potential employers will be able to see the real you !
The real you being a sexist racist pervert with a complete indifference to typos .

Good news! Your career is about to go in a bold new direction, because thanks to the new changes you made to your LinkedIn profile, 4 people looked at it! Bad news, they do NOT like it and are not going to hire you for the positions of Law Student in Australia, Grocery Clerk or Communications guru.
That’s right, 4 people looked at your LinkedIn profile, but we can only tell you who three of them are because the other one is a secret! It’s probably someone from that company you want to work for! Definitely not a pervert!
You are getting noticed! And your work and accomplishments are being recognized! It was probably because you sent Alex a message in 2007 congratulating him on his work anniversary! When he responded “What is this?” that was a sign that you were excelling at one of the most essential skills in building a career – online networking.
There is hope for your profile though – people who looked at your profile also looked at the profile of Carly Bergden, a marketing manager at Voortman Bakery, a company that is nowhere near your field of work, but that just means the range of your network is off the charts.
Whoa! Hold on! Your name came up in a job search 2 times last month! People are looking to give you money for your skills! But unfortunately, when Shawn B and The Government of Japan saw your profile come up they both said aloud “No thank you” closed their laptops, and threw those laptops out the window into a burning trash can.
Luckily, we can turn this around if you join LinkedIn Premium for just $100 per month. With LinkedIn Premium, not only will we let you know which members of your high school graduating class you are making more money than, if any, we will also reveal the creepy weirdos who were secretly lurking around your LinkedIn Profile! With Premium, you still won’t have a job, but at least there will be no secrets between us.
Finally, don’t forget to update your profile by adding your Twitter handle, so potential employers will be able to see the real you! The real you being a sexist racist pervert with a complete indifference to typos.


thebeaverton--2020-11-01--Yukon refuses to change clocks back in smug defiance of the will of Demeter

WHITEHORSE – The people of Yukon refused to turn their clocks back an hour today in clear defiance of the goddess Demeter .
This has sparked concern from the priests and priestesses in charge of keeping her vengeance at bay .
“ Of course we ’ ve seen the data on sleep pattern disruption due to the twice yearly springing forward and falling back , ” said high priestess Geraldine McDougall from their Whitehorse temple operating out of the former Lizards Nightclub .
“ We ’ ve all been late to work that first Monday after a change or shown @ @ @ @ @ @ @ understand , but this is Demeter we ’ re talking about , and she does not take slights !
” The citizens of Yukon were unfazed by the warnings .
Several mentioned that the flocks of ravens blackening the sky were “ a little out of season ” but easily manageable .
The territory did issue a warning that people should not approach any talking mares that enter their homes at night as a precaution against Demeter ’ s mischief .
But the government also stated that the risks of her divine wrath @ @ @ @ @ @ @ clock in your car twice a year .
Those at the temple , however , are busy making plans to appease the goddess before it ’ s too late .
“ I don ’ t even want to think of the amount of pigs we ’ re going to have to sacrifice for the Thesmophoria festival this year , ” stated a concerned McDougall .
As of press time Demeter ’ s monstrous brother Poseidon was seen charging up the Yukon River to destroy the SS Klondike .

WHITEHORSE – The people of Yukon refused to turn their clocks back an hour today in clear defiance of the goddess Demeter. This has sparked concern from the priests and priestesses in charge of keeping her vengeance at bay.
“Of course we’ve seen the data on sleep pattern disruption due to the twice yearly springing forward and falling back,” said high priestess Geraldine McDougall from their Whitehorse temple operating out of the former Lizards Nightclub. “We’ve all been late to work that first Monday after a change or shown up early to a sacrifice. We understand, but this is Demeter we’re talking about, and she does not take slights!”
The citizens of Yukon were unfazed by the warnings. Several mentioned that the flocks of ravens blackening the sky were “a little out of season” but easily manageable. The territory did issue a warning that people should not approach any talking mares that enter their homes at night as a precaution against Demeter’s mischief.
But the government also stated that the risks of her divine wrath were worth not having to change the clock in your car twice a year.
Those at the temple, however, are busy making plans to appease the goddess before it’s too late. “I don’t even want to think of the amount of pigs we’re going to have to sacrifice for the Thesmophoria festival this year,” stated a concerned McDougall.
As of press time Demeter’s monstrous brother Poseidon was seen charging up the Yukon River to destroy the SS Klondike.


thebeaverton--2020-11-02--Drive-in campaign rally just excuse for politically active teens to make out

ALTOONA , PA – Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden held a last-minute drive-in campaign rally on the campus of Penn State-Altoona , and while the attendees were ostensibly there to support Biden in a COVID-safe environment , it was , in reality , just an excuse for politically active teens to make the moves on each other .
“ I ’ m so happy that Joe Biden came to our town , of all places , ” said rally-goer Benedict Osmond , 17 .
“ Not only because I get to see the great man speak in person , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ real horny for each other lately… and also for democracy.
” Observers reported that there were an unusually high number of under-20 supporters at the rally compared to pre-pandemic rallies , and that the supportive honking in response to the early parts of Biden ’ s speech became less frequent later on in the rally .
“ I was on the stage , masked and distanced of course , watching Joe give an electric speech , ” said rally organizer Janice Blum .
“ And I look out at the cars and it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ political enthusiasm .
Or at least I assume that ’ s what was going on behind those steamed-up windows.
” Some of the randy teenagers took the time to write pro-Biden messages on their steamy windows .
“ I saw at least two # nomalarky messages written on windshields , ” said Bridget Olson , 17 .
“ Pretty cool !
” Biden was not bothered by the unusually young audience , saying it reminded him of McGovern campaign rallies he used to go to in the seventies , and if the kids @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they were by each other ’ s bodies , the campaign was in good shape .

ALTOONA, PA – Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden held a last-minute drive-in campaign rally on the campus of Penn State-Altoona, and while the attendees were ostensibly there to support Biden in a COVID-safe environment, it was, in reality, just an excuse for politically active teens to make the moves on each other.
“I’m so happy that Joe Biden came to our town, of all places,” said rally-goer Benedict Osmond, 17. “Not only because I get to see the great man speak in person, but also because Jessica and I have been real horny for each other lately… and also for democracy.”
Observers reported that there were an unusually high number of under-20 supporters at the rally compared to pre-pandemic rallies, and that the supportive honking in response to the early parts of Biden’s speech became less frequent later on in the rally.
“I was on the stage, masked and distanced of course, watching Joe give an electric speech,” said rally organizer Janice Blum. “And I look out at the cars and it’s just a bacchanalia of teen political enthusiasm. Or at least I assume that’s what was going on behind those steamed-up windows.”
Some of the randy teenagers took the time to write pro-Biden messages on their steamy windows. “I saw at least two #nomalarky messages written on windshields,” said Bridget Olson, 17. “Pretty cool!”
Biden was not bothered by the unusually young audience, saying it reminded him of McGovern campaign rallies he used to go to in the seventies, and if the kids were as turned on by voting as they were by each other’s bodies, the campaign was in good shape.


thebeaverton--2020-11-02--World offers to buy U.S. special present if it doesn’t re-elect deranged fascist

NEW YORK CITY – At a special meeting of the full United Nations , the countries of the world came together and resolved to buy America a “ pretty cool gift ” if it chooses not to re-elect the insane old man who is trying to kill us all .
“ Will it be a gift card to Appelbees ?
Will it be a new island in the Pacific to impose American imperialism upon ?
Who knows , ” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel .
“ The important thing is you be good and not let Donald Trump continue to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ world as he is on your country.
” The resolution passed nearly unanimously , with only Russia , Turkey and America voting no .
Some Eastern European countries did abstain however , pointing out when they threw off the yoke of their own autocratic dictators in the 80s and 90s “ no one gave us a damn thing.
” “ Obviously we shouldn ’ t have to bribe you with a gift in order to remove a man who literally locked kids in cages , but Canada is willing to throw in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
The Trump administration has not responded to the offer , as they are too busy planning to declare victory a second after the polls close on November 3rd .
Other offers the UN General Assembly considered included offering to hand out ‘ Good Job ’ stickers to Americans who voted for Biden , promising a trip to Euro Disney , and offering to buy America a puppy .

NEW YORK CITY – At a special meeting of the full United Nations, the countries of the world came together and resolved to buy America a “pretty cool gift” if it chooses not to re-elect the insane old man who is trying to kill us all.
“Will it be a gift card to Appelbees? Will it be a new island in the Pacific to impose American imperialism upon? Who knows,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel. “The important thing is you be good and not let Donald Trump continue to inflict nearly as much harm on the world as he is on your country.”
“OK fine it’s a PS5,” she admitted.
The resolution passed nearly unanimously, with only Russia, Turkey and America voting no. Some Eastern European countries did abstain however, pointing out when they threw off the yoke of their own autocratic dictators in the 80s and 90s “no one gave us a damn thing.”
“Obviously we shouldn’t have to bribe you with a gift in order to remove a man who literally locked kids in cages, but Canada is willing to throw in the controllers,” said PM Justin Trudeau.
The Trump administration has not responded to the offer, as they are too busy planning to declare victory a second after the polls close on November 3rd.
Other offers the UN General Assembly considered included offering to hand out ‘Good Job’ stickers to Americans who voted for Biden, promising a trip to Euro Disney, and offering to buy America a puppy.


thebeaverton--2020-11-02--Gamers living in late-capitalist dystopia outraged they have to wait another 3 weeks to play Cyberpu

Gamers living in late-capitalist dystopia outraged they have to wait another 3 weeks to play Cyberpunk 2077

NEW YORK – Gamers the world over currently living in a late-capitalist system run by a few megacorporations who control vast swathes of personal data while using technology to increase the gulf between classes are outraged after it was announced they would need to wait until December 10 to play in the sci-fi world of Cyberpunk 2077 .
“ This is such bullshit , ” said one Tik-Tok user whose personal data was being siphoned off by the company and shared with an autocratic government before being sold to the highest bidder .
“ We ’ ve waited years to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ big tech controls the lives of people in a world on the brink of collapse.
” Another gamer , Jeff Hillburn , a 35 year old new father who was one of 5 million people to have their face illegally scanned and sold by Canada ’ s largest mall operator over the last year , had booked time off work to play Cyberpunk .
“ I just find it such a cool fantasy , these huge corporations doing all sorts of illegal things because they know the government can ’ t touch them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ I guess I can wait another 3 weeks while democracy falls apart and the environment disintegrates while armed extremist groups grow in power and unchecked technological companies infiltrate our daily lives past the point of any meaningful control , ” said Amazon Customer 45387 .
“ Maybe I ’ ll check out that new face app on my phone that for all intents and purposes is the only meaningful connection I have to an uncaring society based on algorithmic purchase suggestions and a race to destruction.
” Some gamers are excited @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The game boasts of an experience where the player can make choices that matter and change the world around them .
“ Who doesn ’ t want that opportunity ?
To make a decision that truly matters to people ?
” asked Twitter user Carey_404 , a US gamer who hasn ’ t voted in 8 years .
At press time developer CD Projekt reiterated to fans that at least in this world you ’ ll get to talk to Keanu Reeves .

NEW YORK – Gamers the world over currently living in a late-capitalist system run by a few megacorporations who control vast swathes of personal data while using technology to increase the gulf between classes are outraged after it was announced they would need to wait until December 10 to play in the sci-fi world of Cyberpunk 2077.
“This is such bullshit,” said one Tik-Tok user whose personal data was being siphoned off by the company and shared with an autocratic government before being sold to the highest bidder. “We’ve waited years to be able to explore a game where big tech controls the lives of people in a world on the brink of collapse.”
Another gamer, Jeff Hillburn, a 35 year old new father who was one of 5 million people to have their face illegally scanned and sold by Canada’s largest mall operator over the last year, had booked time off work to play Cyberpunk. “I just find it such a cool fantasy, these huge corporations doing all sorts of illegal things because they know the government can’t touch them. What a world that would be.”
“I guess I can wait another 3 weeks while democracy falls apart and the environment disintegrates while armed extremist groups grow in power and unchecked technological companies infiltrate our daily lives past the point of any meaningful control,” said Amazon Customer 45387. “Maybe I’ll check out that new face app on my phone that for all intents and purposes is the only meaningful connection I have to an uncaring society based on algorithmic purchase suggestions and a race to destruction.”
Some gamers are excited about a simpler more fundamental feature. The game boasts of an experience where the player can make choices that matter and change the world around them. “Who doesn’t want that opportunity? To make a decision that truly matters to people?” asked Twitter user Carey_404, a US gamer who hasn’t voted in 8 years.
At press time developer CD Projekt reiterated to fans that at least in this world you’ll get to talk to Keanu Reeves.


thebeaverton--2020-11-04--Editorial: I could have saved you from all of this, you beautiful little fools – By Jeb Bush

Oh my lovelies , my pretty little Américaines… how far have you fallen ?
I never could have believed that even after you decided Trump was the man for you , that you would be brought this low .
And how it must tug at the edges of your innermost thoughts , the knowledge that I , Jeb Bush , could have rescued you from all of this misery .
I picture you now , my beautiful loves , refreshing The Upshot every ten seconds , Googling “ moving to Canada ” then “ moving to New Zealand in case @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wonder , as you lurch to the commode to take your third stress-related bowel movement of the day , do you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and think about how it could be different had you just chosen me ?
As you sit hunched over the toilet , wondering if Susan Collins is likely to die and if so when , do you picture yourself sitting on a breezy terrace in Monte Carlo with I , Jeb !
Bush , sharing a laugh about that little exclamation mark you once @ @ @ @ @ @ @ adore ?
But alas , it did not move you when I released a self-published ebook of all the emails I sent as governor .
Were you more fascinated with the brutish strength of Donald Trump than the way I chose a turtle to be my symbol for some reason ?
How much would you give to cheer and applaud that turtle now ?
I can not say that watching you these few years has been easy for me .
To see your slow , inevitable abasement .
As Donald frittered away the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you see your options dwindle until you are left begging , BEGGING for Mitt Romney to vote your way on the Supreme Court ?
Ah , but even he has forsaken you .
And oh how I would have loved to have scooped you up in my pale , flabby arms and carried you downstairs all the way to Florida where I might still be governor for all you know .
Have you even thought to check lately ?
Perhaps the question haunts you as you stare at that ceiling every night before @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about the Carried Interest Loophole .
Would that you had clapped for me , just once , my exquisite little voters .
Just once .

Oh my lovelies, my pretty little Américaines… how far have you fallen? I never could have believed that even after you decided Trump was the man for you, that you would be brought this low. And how it must tug at the edges of your innermost thoughts, the knowledge that I, Jeb Bush, could have rescued you from all of this misery.
I picture you now, my beautiful loves, refreshing The Upshot every ten seconds, Googling “moving to Canada” then “moving to New Zealand in case Canada accidentally gets nuked.” And I wonder, as you lurch to the commode to take your third stress-related bowel movement of the day, do you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and think about how it could be different had you just chosen me?
As you sit hunched over the toilet, wondering if Susan Collins is likely to die and if so when, do you picture yourself sitting on a breezy terrace in Monte Carlo with I, Jeb! Bush, sharing a laugh about that little exclamation mark you once mocked, but have since come to adore?
But alas, it did not move you when I released a self-published ebook of all the emails I sent as governor. Were you more fascinated with the brutish strength of Donald Trump than the way I chose a turtle to be my symbol for some reason? How much would you give to cheer and applaud that turtle now?
I cannot say that watching you these few years has been easy for me. To see your slow, inevitable abasement. As Donald frittered away the best years of your democracy, and you see your options dwindle until you are left begging, BEGGING for Mitt Romney to vote your way on the Supreme Court? Ah, but even he has forsaken you.
And oh how I would have loved to have scooped you up in my pale, flabby arms and carried you downstairs all the way to Florida where I might still be governor for all you know. Have you even thought to check lately? Perhaps the question haunts you as you stare at that ceiling every night before sleep, dreaming of my economic policy about the Carried Interest Loophole.
Would that you had clapped for me, just once, my exquisite little voters. Just once.


thebeaverton--2020-11-04--Eric Trump still in line at Apple Store to vote

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Eyewitnesses report President Trump ’ s son is still in line at the Georgetown Apple Store , waiting to cast his vote in the 2020 Presidential Election which stopped accepting ballots yesterday .
Eric Trump arrived at the Apple Store on Tuesday November 3 , holding a makeshift ballot paper he ’ d fashioned from a torn off scrap of cereal box with “ Dadnald Trump ” sharpied across it .
Assembled reporters have noted that for over twenty four hours he ’ s been patiently waiting in the line intended for the Apple Watch Series @ @ @ @ @ @ @ see the error of his ways .
“ I am excited to vote for my dad , ” the middle Trump son announced to the unsuspecting lineup at 6:30 AM this morning after straightening out his special election bib that had become rumpled overnight .
“ Poppa promised that if we win , I ’ ll get to fly the jet over Russia and wave hello to his friends !
” When asked if he was trying to vote , Eric Trump became defiant .
“ I won ’ t be intimidated by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Trump snarked at a 21 year old Apple Genius who was just trying to ask what colour of smartwatch he wished to reserve .
“ I ’ m red all the way !
Just like the apples new Mom gives me , ” Trump exclaimed while biting into a radish .
President Donald Trump could not be reached personally for comment , but a spokesperson confirmed that his middle son had contacted the White House requesting Venmo money for a Lime Scooter back to Pennsylvania Avenue .
His request was not granted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Eric asking a Genius why nobody answers his calls , and if it was possible to find out if Barron has blocked him on FaceTime again .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Eyewitnesses report President Trump’s son is still in line at the Georgetown Apple Store, waiting to cast his vote in the 2020 Presidential Election which stopped accepting ballots yesterday.
Eric Trump arrived at the Apple Store on Tuesday November 3, holding a makeshift ballot paper he’d fashioned from a torn off scrap of cereal box with “Dadnald Trump” sharpied across it.
Assembled reporters have noted that for over twenty four hours he’s been patiently waiting in the line intended for the Apple Watch Series 6, despite efforts to make him see the error of his ways.
“I am excited to vote for my dad,” the middle Trump son announced to the unsuspecting lineup at 6:30 AM this morning after straightening out his special election bib that had become rumpled overnight. “Poppa promised that if we win, I’ll get to fly the jet over Russia and wave hello to his friends!”
When asked if he was trying to vote, Eric Trump became defiant. “I won’t be intimidated by all you Dem sheeple in blue,” Trump snarked at a 21 year old Apple Genius who was just trying to ask what colour of smartwatch he wished to reserve. “I’m red all the way! Just like the apples new Mom gives me,” Trump exclaimed while biting into a radish.
President Donald Trump could not be reached personally for comment, but a spokesperson confirmed that his middle son had contacted the White House requesting Venmo money for a Lime Scooter back to Pennsylvania Avenue. His request was not granted.
At press time, sources reported Eric asking a Genius why nobody answers his calls, and if it was possible to find out if Barron has blocked him on FaceTime again.


thebeaverton--2020-11-03--“Manitobans have a proud history of being cheap,” says Premier refusing to hire new health care work

“Manitobans have a proud history of being cheap,” says Premier refusing to hire new health care workers

WINNIPEG – Premier Brian Pallister strategy to employ volunteers as health care workers during a pandemic is all part of proudly fulfilling Manitoba ’ s stingy reputation .
As the pandemic tears its way through the province , the thrifty premier has said he ’ d rather die of some sort of infectious disease than spend another dime on critical , life-saving equipment .
“ We have a responsibility to protect people from the coronavirus , but it better not cost us , ” explained Pallister looking at his wallet .
“ That ’ s why we need to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and nurses with volunteers and use facemasks as tissue paper.
” The Premier said that ambulances will be used for Uber Eats when not on call to offset costs while ICU patients will be transferred to bunk beds to save space .
“ We are proud to call $ 10 tickets to a wedding social “ a bit pricey ” and this pandemic is no different , ” said Pallister with a sparkle in his eye .
Elderly residents will die happy knowing that one day the provincial budget will be balanced , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , they ’ re ads about how well our province is responding to the pandemic .
That ’ s worth every penny .
”

WINNIPEG – Premier Brian Pallister strategy to employ volunteers as health care workers during a pandemic is all part of proudly fulfilling Manitoba’s stingy reputation.
As the pandemic tears its way through the province, the thrifty premier has said he’d rather die of some sort of infectious disease than spend another dime on critical, life-saving equipment.
“We have a responsibility to protect people from the coronavirus, but it better not cost us,” explained Pallister looking at his wallet. “That’s why we need to be resourceful by replacing the demand for doctors and nurses with volunteers and use facemasks as tissue paper.”
The Premier said that ambulances will be used for Uber Eats when not on call to offset costs while ICU patients will be transferred to bunk beds to save space.
“We are proud to call $10 tickets to a wedding social “a bit pricey” and this pandemic is no different,” said Pallister with a sparkle in his eye.
Elderly residents will die happy knowing that one day the provincial budget will be balanced, explained Pallister.
“Unless of course, they’re ads about how well our province is responding to the pandemic. That’s worth every penny.”


thebeaverton--2020-11-03--“Wearing a mask infringes on my rights,” says local woman who doesn’t vote

ST. CATHARINES , ON – Local woman Meghan Landon attended an anti-mask protest this past Monday where she proclaimed her dislike for the government-imposed law , despite having never voted in a governmental election in her life .
“ I just hate how politicians get to make choices for us , ” she explained , while vigorously waving a “ Masks Are for Ugly People ” sign in the faces of passersby .
“ I just wish there was something I could do to make my OWN choice for once.
” Landon , a 34-year-old high school history teacher , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that elections are a waste of time .
“ People listen to my concerns more at these rallies than if I ever voted , ” she expressed , as a group of mask-clad bystanders with their headphones on aggressively brushed past her .
“ Everyone wants to hear what we have to say !
” When asked if she would go to the polls if an opportunity arose to vote against the mandatory mask mandate , Landon could not conjure up a solid answer .
“ Maybe… I don ’ t know… depends @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” she stated .
“ And there ’ s something about those little voting screens that just really freak me out , so I ’ d have to see.
” Kira Landon , Meghan ’ s 13-year old daughter who supports the mask law , has conflicting thoughts on her mom ’ s choice to not participate in politics .
“ If she actually took the time to vote , maybe she wouldn ’ t complain as much about the outcome , ” she explained .
“ Do I think she should be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Probably not .
But for arguments sake , I guess she still should anyway.
” At press time , Landon is arranging a protest to fight against “ anti-democratic ” temperature checks .

ST. CATHARINES, ON – Local woman Meghan Landon attended an anti-mask protest this past Monday where she proclaimed her dislike for the government-imposed law, despite having never voted in a governmental election in her life.
“I just hate how politicians get to make choices for us,” she explained, while vigorously waving a “Masks Are for Ugly People” sign in the faces of passersby. “I just wish there was something I could do to make my OWN choice for once.”
Landon, a 34-year-old high school history teacher, attributes her political inactivity to her belief that elections are a waste of time. “People listen to my concerns more at these rallies than if I ever voted,” she expressed, as a group of mask-clad bystanders with their headphones on aggressively brushed past her. “Everyone wants to hear what we have to say!”
When asked if she would go to the polls if an opportunity arose to vote against the mandatory mask mandate, Landon could not conjure up a solid answer. “Maybe… I don’t know… depends on how long the lines are,” she stated. “And there’s something about those little voting screens that just really freak me out, so I’d have to see.”
Kira Landon, Meghan’s 13-year old daughter who supports the mask law, has conflicting thoughts on her mom’s choice to not participate in politics. “If she actually took the time to vote, maybe she wouldn’t complain as much about the outcome,” she explained. “Do I think she should be allowed to vote with her beliefs? Probably not. But for arguments sake, I guess she still should anyway.”
At press time, Landon is arranging a protest to fight against “anti-democratic” temperature checks.


thebeaverton--2020-11-03--Parent sends child to private school so that they can end up at the same universities as everyone el

Parent sends child to private school so that they can end up at the same universities as everyone else

TORONTO , ONT – Local parents Jillian and Frank Moore have sent their child to private school with the hope that they end up at the same Canadian universities as everyone else .
“ Education is so important , ” stated Jillian Moore , mother of 17 year old Tristan Moore who is in his final year at an esteemed private highschool .
“ That ’ s why we paid over $ 100,000 to ensure Tristan had an education comparable to the public school system .
It may sound like a lot of money and yeah , he ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will everyone else get early admission ?
” According to guidance counselor Ms.Benjamina Wilde , who has worked in both the public and private systems , admissions officers find applicants with private education listed on their curriculum vitae to be more attractive .
“ Universities want to ensure students can keep up with the demand of the coursework , be future leaders , and , in the case of longstanding institutions , uphold the tradition of intellectual elitism .
Since private school students have been doing it all their life they are just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an article released by Maclean ’ s , parents who want their children to grow up without the social skills to deal with anyone outside their gender expression , social-economic bracket , or race , should turn to the private school system .
The combination of a high-pressure environment created by the small class sizes , the homogeneity of their peers , and teachers who are not required to be certified but must be white , are ideal for students to develop a competitive edge when applying for the same post-secondary education that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Plus , Tristan ’ s private education was based in Catholicism , ” added Frank Moore , father of Tristan .
“ So he was instilled with a superiority complex at a young age that will carry him through to University and ensure he has next to no empathy for the poors.
” “ No matter where I go , ” exclaimed Tristan , earnestly .
“ I ’ m looking forward to attributing all my success , not to my hard work , talent , or intelligence but to my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time , Tristan has decided to become a plumber .

TORONTO, ONT – Local parents Jillian and Frank Moore have sent their child to private school with the hope that they end up at the same Canadian universities as everyone else.
“Education is so important,” stated Jillian Moore, mother of 17 year old Tristan Moore who is in his final year at an esteemed private highschool. “That’s why we paid over $100,000 to ensure Tristan had an education comparable to the public school system. It may sound like a lot of money and yeah, he’ll go to Queens with everyone else but will everyone else get early admission?”
According to guidance counselor Ms.Benjamina Wilde, who has worked in both the public and private systems, admissions officers find applicants with private education listed on their curriculum vitae to be more attractive. “Universities want to ensure students can keep up with the demand of the coursework, be future leaders, and, in the case of longstanding institutions, uphold the tradition of intellectual elitism. Since private school students have been doing it all their life they are just better primed for it!”
In an article released by Maclean’s, parents who want their children to grow up without the social skills to deal with anyone outside their gender expression, social-economic bracket, or race, should turn to the private school system. The combination of a high-pressure environment created by the small class sizes, the homogeneity of their peers, and teachers who are not required to be certified but must be white, are ideal for students to develop a competitive edge when applying for the same post-secondary education that any student in Canada can apply for.
“Plus, Tristan’s private education was based in Catholicism,” added Frank Moore, father of Tristan. “So he was instilled with a superiority complex at a young age that will carry him through to University and ensure he has next to no empathy for the poors.”
“No matter where I go,” exclaimed Tristan, earnestly. “I’m looking forward to attributing all my success, not to my hard work, talent, or intelligence but to my parents’ wealth!”
At press time, Tristan has decided to become a plumber.


thebeaverton--2020-11-03--Highlights of U.S. Election Day

Highlights of U.S. Election Day

Every four years Canada and the world get to nervously watch while we wait to see what fresh hell the @ @ @ @ @ the world .
But given America ’ s unique ( aka a product of slavery @ @ @ @ @ Beaverton thought it would be helpful to provide a timeline of how the day will @ @ @ @ @ EST )

Every four years Canada and the world get to nervously watch while we wait to see what fresh hell the United States will unleash upon the world. But given America’s unique (aka a product of slavery) electoral system, The Beaverton thought it would be helpful to provide a timeline of how the day will go. (all times EST)


thebeaverton--2020-11-03--Canadian border opens express U-turn lanes for fleeing Americans

NIAGARA FALLS – Canada Border Services Agency has announced designated express U-turn lanes for Americans trying to flee to Canada @ @ @ @ @ presidential candidate does not win .
“ One in every four Americans have threatened to @ @ @ @ @ wins which would create significant delays in trade , ” said an official for CBSA @ @ @ @ @ deeply concerned that the more whiny Americans who believe Canada is some kind of socialist @ @ @ @ @ to move here.
” The enhanced lanes will process erroneous claimants with a 180 degree @ @ @ @ @ disguised as Canadian customs .
“ We ’ re sick and tired of being Americans @ @ @ @ @ added the official .
“ Try Sweden next time .
”

NIAGARA FALLS – Canada Border Services Agency has announced designated express U-turn lanes for Americans trying to flee to Canada in the event their preferred presidential candidate does not win.
“One in every four Americans have threatened to move to Canada if Trump wins which would create significant delays in trade,” said an official for CBSA. “We’re deeply concerned that the more whiny Americans who believe Canada is some kind of socialist resort will fulfill their vow to move here.”
The enhanced lanes will process erroneous claimants with a 180 degree turn back to US customs disguised as Canadian customs.
“We’re sick and tired of being Americans’ rebound country,” added the official. “Try Sweden next time.”


thebeaverton--2020-11-05--COVID cases replaces racism as thing Canadians think they handle better than the States

NATIONWIDE – A new survey has revealed that racism has been replaced by COVID statistics as the number one source of contempt for the United States amongst Canadians .
“ I ’ m just glad I live here and not that dumpster fire down south , ” said Lucian Waltx of Montreal , who is planning on opening his gym next week despite provincial restrictions .
“ Sure , if you compare our cases to Western Europe or Asia our mortality rate isn ’ t great .
Which is why I never do that.
” “ Thank goodness we have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back on , ” said Paulina Auburns of Toronto , which recently broke its record for most infections in a single day .
“ Those attacks on the lobster fisheries were bringing us really close to overt American-level racism , as opposed to the usual simmering Canadian-level racism.
” While most Canadians are tapping COVID statistics for their inflated sense of superiority towards their neighbours to the South , there are some that still prefer to use racism to justify their false pride .
“ Obviously , we ’ ve got a lot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we ’ re not as bad as the States when it comes to our hateful past , ” explained Winnipeg ’ s Alex Peters , turning his car down John A. MacDonald Road and merging onto John A. MacDonald Way .
“ The stories I hear coming out of there make me so upset , I can ’ t even bring myself to think of how our government unfairly interned citizens of Japanese descent.
” Other frontrunners to replace bigotry as the stone Canada is most likely to throw from inside its glass @ @ @ @ @ @ @ impoverished communities , and looking stupid in front of England .

NATIONWIDE – A new survey has revealed that racism has been replaced by COVID statistics as the number one source of contempt for the United States amongst Canadians.
“I’m just glad I live here and not that dumpster fire down south,” said Lucian Waltx of Montreal, who is planning on opening his gym next week despite provincial restrictions. “Sure, if you compare our cases to Western Europe or Asia our mortality rate isn’t great. Which is why I never do that.”
“Thank goodness we have slightly less awful COVID numbers to fall back on,” said Paulina Auburns of Toronto, which recently broke its record for most infections in a single day. “Those attacks on the lobster fisheries were bringing us really close to overt American-level racism, as opposed to the usual simmering Canadian-level racism.”
While most Canadians are tapping COVID statistics for their inflated sense of superiority towards their neighbours to the South, there are some that still prefer to use racism to justify their false pride.
“Obviously, we’ve got a lot to answer for, but at least we’re not as bad as the States when it comes to our hateful past,” explained Winnipeg’s Alex Peters, turning his car down John A. MacDonald Road and merging onto John A. MacDonald Way. “The stories I hear coming out of there make me so upset, I can’t even bring myself to think of how our government unfairly interned citizens of Japanese descent.”
Other frontrunners to replace bigotry as the stone Canada is most likely to throw from inside its glass house included rising populism, neglect of impoverished communities, and looking stupid in front of England.


thebeaverton--2020-11-05--Jared Kushner insists Trump can still win if his parents make a big enough donation to the Electoral

Jared Kushner insists Trump can still win if his parents make a big enough donation to the Electoral College

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Jared Kushner , President Donald Trump ’ s son-in-law and Senior Advisor , is adamant that Trump has an excellent chance of winning the 2020 presidential election assuming Trump ’ s parents are willing to dig deep and give the Electoral College a very large donation .
“ If there ’ s one thing I learned at Harvard , it ’ s that anyone can get what they want from any college as long as their parents give that college enough money , ” Kushner said today during an interview on CNN .
“ It ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at Harvard .
That , and that it ’ s profoundly easy to graduate with honours from Harvard .
Literally 90 % of my class did.
” Kushner , who was accepted to America ’ s most prestigious university despite relatively low grades and a middling SAT score after his father Charles Kushner pledged $ 2.5 million to the school , is putting his urgent COVID-19 task-force and Middle-East peace plan work on hold while he looks into how much money Trump ’ s wealthy and deceased parents would have to promise the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ son ’ s future .
“ It ’ s a balancing act to figure out how much the Electoral College wants .
Do they need to build an entirely new library complex or is it enough to just lavishly refurbish the chancellor ’ s office ?
” Kushner explained .
“ And since I don ’ t even know where the Electoral College is located , that makes it more difficult .
Based on the name I suspect it ’ s an electronic school and if so I assume they only take bitcoin @ @ @ @ @ @ @ large bribes to ease the way for their children do it while they are still alive , the fact that Trump ’ s father bailed out his son financially numerous times during his life has given Kushner the strong belief that once he reaches Fred Trump , that trend will continue .
“ I was still able to talk to my own father even when he was in federal prison , so , assuming Saks or Bergdorfs carries Ouija boards , I ’ m sure we can reach my grandfather-in-law and come to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about Donald Trump ’ s chances for re-election once the specifics of the donation to the Electoral College have been worked out .
“ I ’ ve yet to come across a single problem that can ’ t be solved by the judicious application of paternal money , ” he said .
“ And neither has the president.
” At press time , Kushner was seen screaming “ DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM ?
” into the face of the very confused dean of a local electrician ’ s trade @ @

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Jared Kushner, President Donald Trump’s son-in-law and Senior Advisor, is adamant that Trump has an excellent chance of winning the 2020 presidential election assuming Trump’s parents are willing to dig deep and give the Electoral College a very large donation.
“If there’s one thing I learned at Harvard, it’s that anyone can get what they want from any college as long as their parents give that college enough money,” Kushner said today during an interview on CNN. “It’s actually the only thing I learned at Harvard. That, and that it’s profoundly easy to graduate with honours from Harvard. Literally 90% of my class did.”
Kushner, who was accepted to America’s most prestigious university despite relatively low grades and a middling SAT score after his father Charles Kushner pledged $2.5 million to the school, is putting his urgent COVID-19 task-force and Middle-East peace plan work on hold while he looks into how much money Trump’s wealthy and deceased parents would have to promise the Electoral College in order to secure their son’s future.
“It’s a balancing act to figure out how much the Electoral College wants. Do they need to build an entirely new library complex or is it enough to just lavishly refurbish the chancellor’s office?” Kushner explained. “And since I don’t even know where the Electoral College is located, that makes it more difficult. Based on the name I suspect it’s an electronic school and if so I assume they only take bitcoin donations.”
While most parents who give large bribes to ease the way for their children do it while they are still alive, the fact that Trump’s father bailed out his son financially numerous times during his life has given Kushner the strong belief that once he reaches Fred Trump, that trend will continue. “I was still able to talk to my own father even when he was in federal prison, so, assuming Saks or Bergdorfs carries Ouija boards, I’m sure we can reach my grandfather-in-law and come to an arrangement.”
Kushner is incredibly optimistic about Donald Trump’s chances for re-election once the specifics of the donation to the Electoral College have been worked out. “I’ve yet to come across a single problem that can’t be solved by the judicious application of paternal money,” he said. “And neither has the president.”
At press time, Kushner was seen screaming “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” into the face of the very confused dean of a local electrician’s trade college.


thebeaverton--2020-11-06--Whole Foods: Wearing poppies would insult our commitment to fascism

OTTAWA – Grocery retailer Whole Foods has banned its employees from wearing the poppy citing its ongoing commitment to fascism @ @ @ @ @ chain owned Amazon said that recognizing the sacrifices of Canadian veterans would violate its company @ @ @ @ @ its far-right , authoritarian policies such as union-busting and heat monitoring of its employees .
@ @ @ @ @ choice to wear a poppy is a dangerous precedent , ” said a company spokesperson @ @ @ @ @ “ We can ’ t give the populace the political idea that sacrifices should be @ @ @ @ @ won World War II.
” The green-washed corporation explained that instead of wearing poppies , @ @ @ @ @ of one unsuspecting employee from each Canadian store to a local legion .
“ Additionally @ @ @ @ @ clashes with our soon-to-be-released Third Reich-inspired green uniform , ” added the spokesperson showcasing jackboots @ @ @ @ @ button exclaiming “ Try Our Mussolini-inspired organic cheeses !
” Whole Foods said it will @ @ @ @ @ silence for its corporate emperor Jeff Bezos .

OTTAWA – Grocery retailer Whole Foods has banned its employees from wearing the poppy citing its ongoing commitment to fascism.
The American multinational supermarket chain owned Amazon said that recognizing the sacrifices of Canadian veterans would violate its company dress code as well as its far-right, authoritarian policies such as union-busting and heat monitoring of its employees.
“Giving our employees the choice to wear a poppy is a dangerous precedent,” said a company spokesperson in a press release. “We can’t give the populace the political idea that sacrifices should be recognized or that the Allies won World War II.”
The green-washed corporation explained that instead of wearing poppies, they will donate the salary of one unsuspecting employee from each Canadian store to a local legion.
“Additionally, the red poppy really clashes with our soon-to-be-released Third Reich-inspired green uniform,” added the spokesperson showcasing jackboots, tunic, and a button exclaiming “Try Our Mussolini-inspired organic cheeses!”
Whole Foods said it will still recognize the moment of silence for its corporate emperor Jeff Bezos.


thebeaverton--2020-11-07--Woman’s head falls off when she relaxes her shoulders for the first time in four years

SEATTLE – While many citizens of the United States celebrate the end of the presidency of Donald Trump , one woman is in the unfortunate position of realizing the tenseness she ’ s been experiencing for the last four years was the only thing holding her body together .
“ I saw the news on my phone that the election had finally been called for Joe Biden and the relief I felt was enormous , ” said Sheila Decker , a 34-year-old teacher and mother of two .
“ Knowing Biden was elected president , it was like a giant @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Then an actual weight was lifted off my shoulders as my head tumbled right off.
” Decker suffers from Acute Stress Syndrome , an increasingly common ailment where the human body becomes so accustomed to the stress of authoritarian politicians , the climate crisis , the coronavirus pandemic , and the thought of all those Avatar sequels that when one of those stressors is removed , however temporarily , the body literally starts to disintegrate .
“ Luckily for most sufferers of ASS , the stress of body parts falling off triggers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ parts from continuing to fall off , ” said Dr. Judith Kynes , an ASS expert .
“ In Ms. Decker ’ s case , we were able to successfully revive and reattach her head after we explained to her how much the procedure would cost .
Ironically , if she ’ d been in a country with universal healthcare , she wouldn ’ t have survived.
” Decker is expected to make a full recovery as long as she sticks to a strict regime of self-uncare , which includes at least eight @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and denying herself even a moment of joy or relief by constantly remembering every reason why the United States and the rest of the world is probably still royally fucked .

SEATTLE – While many citizens of the United States celebrate the end of the presidency of Donald Trump, one woman is in the unfortunate position of realizing the tenseness she’s been experiencing for the last four years was the only thing holding her body together.
“I saw the news on my phone that the election had finally been called for Joe Biden and the relief I felt was enormous,” said Sheila Decker, a 34-year-old teacher and mother of two. “Knowing Biden was elected president, it was like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Then an actual weight was lifted off my shoulders as my head tumbled right off.”
Decker suffers from Acute Stress Syndrome, an increasingly common ailment where the human body becomes so accustomed to the stress of authoritarian politicians, the climate crisis, the coronavirus pandemic, and the thought of all those Avatar sequels that when one of those stressors is removed, however temporarily, the body literally starts to disintegrate.
“Luckily for most sufferers of ASS, the stress of body parts falling off triggers enough new stress to stop their body parts from continuing to fall off,” said Dr. Judith Kynes, an ASS expert. “In Ms. Decker’s case, we were able to successfully revive and reattach her head after we explained to her how much the procedure would cost. Ironically, if she’d been in a country with universal healthcare, she wouldn’t have survived.”
Decker is expected to make a full recovery as long as she sticks to a strict regime of self-uncare, which includes at least eight hours a day of doomscrolling, hatewatching, and denying herself even a moment of joy or relief by constantly remembering every reason why the United States and the rest of the world is probably still royally fucked.


thebeaverton--2020-11-07--Breaking: USA does bare minimum

Breaking: USA does bare minimum

WASHINGTON D.C. – After a gruelling five days of counting votes between presidential candidates Donald Trump and Joe Biden , the American people have pulled forward to do the absolute bare minimum .
After four long years of the Trump administration ’ s daily lying , owing millions of dollars to foreign companies , whipping up white supremacist violence , calling countries shitholes , exerting influence over foreign nations for personal gain , continuing wars in Afghanistan , assassinating Iranian political figures , deploying federal agents to kidnap protestors in unmarked vans , dismissing anyone not loyal to the Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and doing nothing while 240,000 American citizens die from COVID-19 , the US stood up and said : “ If I have to.
” “ It was a long road , ” Democratic organizer Charles Hoffman told the press gallery , “ but after knee-capping any chance of medicare for all , ignoring popular support for progressive ideas , and allowing Republicans to get away with pretty much everything , we knew the American public would shrug their shoulders for us.
” Reports are flooding in of celebrations taking place nation-wide that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fascist movement for a brief time , and pretty much nothing else .
“ We ’ d like to thank the largely Black and People of Colour local organizers across the country who worked tirelessly so that we could take their votes for granted , ” Hoffman continued .
“ Seriously , can you imagine if we had to do it ourselves ?
Sounds like a little too much effort , to be honest.
” The tally , currently sitting at 273 electoral votes for Joe Biden , and 214 for Donald Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ minimum was not remotely an option for almost half the voting public .
“ This is fucking horseshit , ” said Georgian Trump voter Frank Cameron while loading an AR-15 and donning an Atomwaffen mask .
“ I can ’ t believe we can ’ t get more than ONE open Nazi elected to office .
Fucking cucks gon na make me actually have to go out and actively make fascism happen faster than usual.
” President-elect Joe Biden ’ s first announcement included a thank you to the voting public and a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is still demanding their voter base behead and assassinate vote counters and Democrats en masse .

WASHINGTON D.C. – After a gruelling five days of counting votes between presidential candidates Donald Trump and Joe Biden, the American people have pulled forward to do the absolute bare minimum.
After four long years of the Trump administration’s daily lying, owing millions of dollars to foreign companies, whipping up white supremacist violence, calling countries shitholes, exerting influence over foreign nations for personal gain, continuing wars in Afghanistan, assassinating Iranian political figures, deploying federal agents to kidnap protestors in unmarked vans, dismissing anyone not loyal to the Trump regime, locking children into cages, and doing nothing while 240,000 American citizens die from COVID-19, the US stood up and said: “If I have to.”
“It was a long road,” Democratic organizer Charles Hoffman told the press gallery, “but after knee-capping any chance of medicare for all, ignoring popular support for progressive ideas, and allowing Republicans to get away with pretty much everything, we knew the American public would shrug their shoulders for us.”
Reports are flooding in of celebrations taking place nation-wide that the 2020 election only technically disavowed an American fascist movement for a brief time, and pretty much nothing else.
“We’d like to thank the largely Black and People of Colour local organizers across the country who worked tirelessly so that we could take their votes for granted,” Hoffman continued. “Seriously, can you imagine if we had to do it ourselves? Sounds like a little too much effort, to be honest.”
The tally, currently sitting at 273 electoral votes for Joe Biden, and 214 for Donald Trump, proved that even doing the bare minimum was not remotely an option for almost half the voting public.
“This is fucking horseshit,” said Georgian Trump voter Frank Cameron while loading an AR-15 and donning an Atomwaffen mask. “I can’t believe we can’t get more than ONE open Nazi elected to office. Fucking cucks gonna make me actually have to go out and actively make fascism happen faster than usual.”
President-elect Joe Biden’s first announcement included a thank you to the voting public and a willingness to work with the party that is still demanding their voter base behead and assassinate vote counters and Democrats en masse.


thebeaverton--2020-11-08--Comedy industry not sure if it can survive without physical location for sexual predators to thrive

New York , NY – With the closure of more and more comedy clubs and improv theatres due to COVID-19 , many experts are wondering whether the industry can survive without brick and mortar spaces where sexual predators flourish .
Comedy clubs have long been bastions of free speech and have been trying to make sense of how to approach the future .
“ Before COVID , I thought the only thing that would bring down our institution would be someone trying to censor us , or the fact that our zero-tolerance policy does not exist , ” says Carl @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Laugh Basement .
“ There ’ s things you don ’ t get when you see stand-up online or in a public park .
There ’ s authenticity , the slightly off smell , the groups of white men bunched together doing bits , the ever-changing bathroom graffiti which tells you which d-list celeb is a rapist.
” Says Engleheart .
“ Are you really performing comedy if you don ’ t HAVE to ask friends to walk you home because of an awkward interaction ?
Now it ’ s just comics giving @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s not the comedy scene I fostered.
” It ’ s not just the owners who are having a difficult time with online shows , it ’ s also comedy teachers .
“ It ’ s very hard to do what I do over Zoom , ” says Norman Fedora , AD of Improv By Committee ( IBC ) Theatre , self-published author of “ Yes Man ’ d ’ : The Woke Man ’ s Guide to Improv ” and frequent name in the communities ’ Do Not Be Alone With @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so that we can bring in more prospective students , about half of whom will eventually leave the community because of my inappropriate behaviour.
” Adding : “ I ’ m a gatekeeper in the improv scene and that means nothing if I can ’ t block someone from a real door when they ’ re trying to get away.
” “ Open mics , improv shows , you name it , are going to be very different without the physical location , ” says Cal Melon , owner of the comedy club @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s something very sad about a greener comic not having the chance to get up in front of an audience , perform , then have an older , more established comedian jerk off in front of them in the green room .
”

New York, NY – With the closure of more and more comedy clubs and improv theatres due to COVID-19, many experts are wondering whether the industry can survive without brick and mortar spaces where sexual predators flourish.
Comedy clubs have long been bastions of free speech and have been trying to make sense of how to approach the future. “Before COVID, I thought the only thing that would bring down our institution would be someone trying to censor us, or the fact that our zero-tolerance policy does not exist,” says Carl Englehart, owner of Joker’s Laugh Basement.
“There’s things you don’t get when you see stand-up online or in a public park. There’s authenticity, the slightly off smell, the groups of white men bunched together doing bits, the ever-changing bathroom graffiti which tells you which d-list celeb is a rapist.” Says Engleheart. “Are you really performing comedy if you don’t HAVE to ask friends to walk you home because of an awkward interaction? Now it’s just comics giving shirtless unsolicited notes over facetime. That’s not the comedy scene I fostered.”
It’s not just the owners who are having a difficult time with online shows, it’s also comedy teachers. “It’s very hard to do what I do over Zoom,” says Norman Fedora, AD of Improv By Committee (IBC) Theatre, self-published author of “Yes Man’d’: The Woke Man’s Guide to Improv” and frequent name in the communities’ Do Not Be Alone With list. “We need the stage so that we can bring in more prospective students, about half of whom will eventually leave the community because of my inappropriate behaviour.” Adding: “I’m a gatekeeper in the improv scene and that means nothing if I can’t block someone from a real door when they’re trying to get away.”
“Open mics, improv shows, you name it, are going to be very different without the physical location,” says Cal Melon, owner of the comedy club chain Tee-Hee’s. “There’s something very sad about a greener comic not having the chance to get up in front of an audience, perform, then have an older, more established comedian jerk off in front of them in the green room.”


thebeaverton--2020-11-09--Giuliani clarifies he didn’t mean to hold press conference at Landscaping company, definitely meant

Giuliani clarifies he didn’t mean to hold press conference at Landscaping company, definitely meant to hold it at dildo shop next door

PHILADELPHIA , PA – Following his widely-mocked Saturday morning press conference in front of Four Seasons Total Landscaping , Trump personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani clarified that he actually meant to hold the important campaign even in front of the nearby porno store .
“ This embarrassing mistake never would ’ ve happened if they ’ d booked my press conference for Fantasy Island Adult Novelties , across the street , ” explained a flustered Giuliani to assembled reporters .
The former New York Mayor , known to many as “ the hero of 9-11 ” , took reporters on a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ urgent Trump campaign event .
As he walked media past rows of anal beads and dusty 2-for-1 Hustler dvds , Giuliani explained why this was the perfect location to inform the nation of the Biden campaign ’ s electoral fraud .
“ When it comes to affordable nudie magazines , Fantasy Island in Philadelphia is a local business that I trust , and that Americans can trust , ” emphasized Giuliani .
“ You see those markdown prices on irregular fleshlights ?
That ’ s an honest deal – unlike the crooked swindle @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from Donald Trump !
” Giuliani then held up a used copy of Playboy ’ s December 1997 issue , emphasizing , “ See this ?
Good old fashioned tactile American smut .
You won ’ t find this digitally online , or on any of Hunter Biden ’ s many laptops !
” Reached for comment , Al Gremlerson , owner and proprietor of Fantasy Island , was sympathetic to Giuliani ’ s error .
“ We probably would ’ ve let Rudy hold his press conference here , since any time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ makes a point of stopping by the store.
” Gremlerson continued , “ He mostly leafs through the used Penthouses and makes loud comments like ‘ Who , look at the bazongas on her ’ , but otherwise he ’ s one of our most loyal customers.
” Asked why the location mix-up occurred , Giuliani took full responsibility for the local lawn maintenance warehouse being booked instead of his beloved Philly porno shop .
“ Apparently when I asked our campaign aides to book the presser at Fantasy Island , they immediately @ @ @ @ @ @ @ another Borat prank , ” Giuliani explained .
“ In fairness , saving me from falling victim to elaborate Borat scenarios has become something of a full-time job for our staff , so really that one ’ s on me.
” At press time Giuliani was pleading with reporters to return to Fantasy Island Adult Novelties tomorrow morning , at which point he will “ blow the lid ” off Joe and Hunter Biden ’ s secret scheme to irradiate all the gold in Fort Knox .

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Following his widely-mocked Saturday morning press conference in front of Four Seasons Total Landscaping, Trump personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani clarified that he obviously meant to hold the event in front of the nearby porno store.
“This embarrassing mistake never would’ve happened if they’d booked my press conference for Fantasy Island Adult Novelties, across the street, like I originally intended” explained a flustered Giuliani to assembled reporters.
“Clearly we meant to hold it at a store that sells yank oils and not some random parking lot. What is this? Amateur hour?”
The former New York Mayor, known to many as “the hero of 9-11”, took reporters on a tour of his intended location for the urgent Trump campaign event in order to show them that the original plan would never have drawn derision. As he walked media past rows of anal beads and dusty 2-for-1 Hustler dvds, Giuliani explained why this was the perfect location to inform the nation of the Biden campaign’s electoral fraud.
“When it comes to affordable nudie magazines, Fantasy Island in Philadelphia is a local business that I trust, and that Americans can trust,” emphasized Giuliani. “You see those markdown prices on irregularly-shaped fleshlights? That’s an honest deal – unlike the crooked swindle the Bidens used to steal this election from Donald Trump!”
Giuliani then held up a used copy of Playboy’s December 1997 issue, emphasizing, “See this? Good old fashioned tactile American smut. Double-gloss, non-stick pages. Natural, mid-western trim. You won’t find this digitally online, or on any of Hunter Biden’s many laptops!”
Reached for comment, Al Gremlerson, owner and proprietor of Fantasy Island, was sympathetic to Giuliani’s error. “We probably would’ve let Rudy hold his press conference here, since any time he’s in town he always makes a point of stopping by the store.”
Gremlerson continued, “He mostly leafs through the gently-used skin mags and makes loud comments like ‘Who, look at the bazongas on her’, but otherwise he’s one of our most loyal customers.”
“Why, sometimes he’s loyal over here four, maybe five times a day. Depending on how hydrated he is,” he added.
Asked why the location mix-up occurred, Giuliani took full responsibility for the local lawn maintenance warehouse being booked instead of his beloved Philly porno shop.
“Apparently when I asked our campaign aides to book the presser at Fantasy Island, they immediately assumed that I had fallen for yet another Borat prank,” Giuliani explained. “In fairness, saving me from falling victim to elaborate Borat scenarios has become something of a full-time job for our staff, so really that one’s on me.”
At press time Giuliani was pleading with reporters to return to Fantasy Island Adult Novelties tomorrow morning, behind the beaded door where they keep “all the real kinky merch”, at which point he will “blow the lid off” Joe and Hunter Biden’s secret scheme to irradiate all the gold in Fort Knox.


thebeaverton--2020-11-09--Hundreds of Leafs fans demand the NHL “stops the steal” of the Stanley Cup

NEW YORK – A loud and boisterous crowd of fans are demanding the NHL stop the conspiracy to steal the Stanley Cup from the Toronto Maple Leafs .
Approximately 200 fans protested outside the NHL ’ s New York City Headquarters in an effort to reverse previous losses , missed playoffs , and the team ’ s inevitable mediocre performance this season .
“ This should have been our year , just like all the other years , ” shouted a man wearing a Doug Gilmour jersey claiming the game has been rigged since 1968 .
“ And we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but the tyrannical NHL doesn ’ t want the truth that we are , hands down , the best team.
” Other passionate partisans claimed the Tampa Bay Lightning and the other 28 teams in the league were plotting against their team by dumping extra pucks into play .
“ There was a second puck that slid in the net , but [ Frederik ] Andersen clearly stopped it , ” said another fan showing a grainy video of two pucks he found on the internet on his phone .
Meanwhile , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the NHL demanding a recount of the 2019-2020 GF/GA results .

NEW YORK – A loud and boisterous crowd of fans are demanding the NHL stop the conspiracy to steal the Stanley Cup from the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Approximately 200 fans protested outside the NHL’s New York City Headquarters in an effort to reverse previous losses, missed playoffs, and the team’s inevitable mediocre performance this season.
“This should have been our year, just like all the other years,” shouted a man wearing a Doug Gilmour jersey claiming the game has been rigged since 1968. “And we’re going to win this year, but the tyrannical NHL doesn’t want the truth that we are, hands down, the best team.”
Other passionate partisans claimed the Tampa Bay Lightning and the other 28 teams in the league were plotting against their team by dumping extra pucks into play.
“There was a second puck that slid in the net, but [Frederik] Andersen clearly stopped it,” said another fan showing a grainy video of two pucks he found on the internet on his phone.
Meanwhile, the Toronto Maple Leafs head office was suing the NHL demanding a recount of the 2019-2020 GF/GA results.


thebeaverton--2020-11-10--Trudeau excited to discover what old-timey nickname Biden will give him

OTTAWA – After calling President-elect Biden to congratulate him on winning the election , Prime Minister Trudeau is said to be looking forward to Biden bestowing upon him a fun nickname that no one has used in at least 50 years .
“ I can ’ t wait to be in the middle of softwood lumber negotiations and then he turns to me and calls me something I have to google to know what the heck it means , ” said Trudeau .
“ And then I ’ ll discover it was something him and the other Rascals used to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ after they finished their game of stick ball.
” “ Donald Trump gave me a nickname once .
But it wasn ’ t old-timey .
And it definitely wasn ’ t fun , ” he added .
Betting Markets have already gotten into the action , offering 3-1 odds on Bones , Sidewinder and JT The Knife .
Longer odds are also available on ‘ Little Gibblets ’ ‘ Peg Leg ’ and ‘ His Royal Highness , The Duke of Windsor.
’ “ Maybe he ’ ll go with something classic like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t have red hair but that could be part of the joke .
Like when they used to call a really fat guy ‘ tiny.
’ Oh maybe he ’ ll call me Tiny !
Cabinet Members are also bracing for their own nicknames , including Chrystia ‘ Legs ’ Freeland and Harjit ‘ Babyface ’ Sajjan .
At press time Biden had started calling Trudeau Pierre , although that was less of a nickname and more about confusion over which Trudeau he was talking to .

OTTAWA – After calling President-elect Biden to congratulate him on winning the election, Prime Minister Trudeau is said to be looking forward to Biden bestowing upon him a fun nickname that no one has used in at least 50 years.
“I can’t wait to be in the middle of softwood lumber negotiations and then he turns to me and calls me something I have to google to know what the heck it means,” said Trudeau. “And then I’ll discover it was something him and the other Rascals used to call each other at the Malt Shoppe after they finished their game of stick ball.”
“Donald Trump gave me a nickname once. But it wasn’t old-timey. And it definitely wasn’t fun,” he added.
Betting Markets have already gotten into the action, offering 3-1 odds on Bones, Sidewinder and JT The Knife. Longer odds are also available on ‘Little Gibblets’ ‘Peg Leg’ and ‘His Royal Highness, The Duke of Windsor.’
“Maybe he’ll go with something classic like ‘Red.’ I know I don’t have red hair but that could be part of the joke. Like when they used to call a really fat guy ‘tiny.’ Oh maybe he’ll call me Tiny!
Cabinet Members are also bracing for their own nicknames, including Chrystia ‘Legs’ Freeland and Harjit ‘Babyface’ Sajjan.
At press time Biden had started calling Trudeau Pierre, although that was less of a nickname and more about confusion over which Trudeau he was talking to.


thebeaverton--2020-11-10--Premier Kenney responds to spike in cases by expanding Alberta’s y-axis

EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney is taking bold steps at tackling the rapid spread of cases of COVID-19 in the province by expanding the y-axis on all statistical graphs .
“ The Health Minister and I have ordered additional spaces for the dependent variable significantly reducing how scary the old graphs look , ” said Kenney unveiling the new graph .
“ The way the cases have been presented have been , frankly , unfair and un-Albertan.
” The new 9,000 graph spaces will replace the 9,000 health care workers expected to be cut .
All of AHS ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mountain-sized daily increases , and , instead , show little bumps in the road for Alberta ’ s economic recovery .
The Premier feels that his swift response will adequately address the perception of cases and there is no need for lockdowns , mask requirements , or publicly funded health care .
“ We have also corrected errors in our case counting , namely we ’ ve been counting every case , ” added Kenney .
“ Some of these people haven ’ t even died yet , so is it really worth @ @ @

EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney is taking bold steps at tackling the rapid spread of cases of COVID-19 in the province by expanding the y-axis on all statistical graphs.
“The Health Minister and I have ordered additional spaces for the dependent variable significantly reducing how scary the old graphs look,” said Kenney unveiling the new graph. “The way the cases have been presented have been, frankly, unfair and un-Albertan.”
The new 9,000 graph spaces will replace the 9,000 health care workers expected to be cut.
All of AHS’s epidemiological information will no longer illustrate mountain-sized daily increases, and, instead, show little bumps in the road for Alberta’s economic recovery.
The Premier feels that his swift response will adequately address the perception of cases and there is no need for lockdowns, mask requirements, or publicly funded health care.
“We have also corrected errors in our case counting, namely we’ve been counting every case,” added Kenney. “Some of these people haven’t even died yet, so is it really worth counting?”


thebeaverton--2020-11-10--Donald Trump announces creation of seven new states, all of whom voted for him

WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has officially signed an executive order establishing seven new American states which have all coincidentally pledged their electoral votes to him .
“ I ’ m very proud of these new states of our nation for heeding the call of democracy and voting me into another term as your president , ” said Trump .
“ I ’ d like to thank the great states of East Dakota , Anti-Portland , and the five others whose names , populations , and geographic locations we ’ ll figure out in the next week or so.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ revealed in Trump ’ s pronouncement , formal incorporation documents have revealed that the new members of the union include “ Florida 2 ” , “ West Russia ” , and “ Georgia Except Without So Many Black People ” .
In order to avoid the need to change the country ’ s flag , seven existing states will also be dissolved and their votes invalidated .
Those close to the president expect that California , Washington , Vermont , Oregon , New York , Illinois , and Massachusetts will all be wound @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lands they previously occupied will become unincorporated frontierland devoid of the rule of law .
“ I want to particularly single out the new state of Mar-A-Lago , whose brave population of underpaid bellhops , maids , and concierges voted for me en masse for reasons totally unrelated to the terms of their employment agreements , ” Trump continued .
With the executive branch granting the new states a collective 34 billion electoral votes , Trump is touting the election results as an historic landslide victory for his administration .
Efforts are already @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the newly created capital cities such as Trumpistan , Ivankaberg , Juniortown , and Eric-and-Tiffany-Will-Have-To-Share-One-I-Don ’ t-Care-What-You-Call-It .
Rudy Giuliani , who himself was named as the entire seventh new state , could not be reached for comment as he was too busy canvassing random women if they wanted to be his “ new governor .
”

WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has officially signed an executive order establishing seven new American states which have all coincidentally pledged their electoral votes to him.
“I’m very proud of these new states of our nation for heeding the call of democracy and voting me into another term as your president,” said Trump. “I’d like to thank the great states of East Dakota, Anti-Portland, and the five others whose names, populations, and geographic locations we’ll figure out in the next week or so.”
In addition to the two states revealed in Trump’s pronouncement, formal incorporation documents have revealed that the new members of the union include “Florida 2”, “West Russia”, and “Georgia Except Without So Many Black People”. In order to avoid the need to change the country’s flag, seven existing states will also be dissolved and their votes invalidated. Those close to the president expect that California, Washington, Vermont, Oregon, New York, Illinois, and Massachusetts will all be wound down in the coming months. The lands they previously occupied will become unincorporated frontierland devoid of the rule of law.
“I want to particularly single out the new state of Mar-A-Lago, whose brave population of underpaid bellhops, maids, and concierges voted for me en masse for reasons totally unrelated to the terms of their employment agreements,” Trump continued.
With the executive branch granting the new states a collective 34 billion electoral votes, Trump is touting the election results as an historic landslide victory for his administration. Efforts are already underway for victory parties in the some of the newly created capital cities such as Trumpistan, Ivankaberg, Juniortown, and Eric-and-Tiffany-Will-Have-To-Share-One-I-Don’t-Care-What-You-Call-It.
Rudy Giuliani, who himself was named as the entire seventh new state, could not be reached for comment as he was too busy canvassing random women if they wanted to be his “new governor.”


thebeaverton--2020-11-10--Following Trump defeat, comedy and art all bad now

WASHINGTON D.C. — While Donald Trump brought blatant corruption , incompetence , and cruelty to the American presidency , his electoral defeat comes with the equally dire consequence that all comedy and art is bad now .
“ When Trump was elected , many of us drew comfort from the fact that difficult times inspire great works of art , ” said mixed media artist Alan Christensen .
“ Now that he ’ s gone , will we ever see another masterpiece like that arguably homophobic graffiti of Trump making out with Putin ?
I really doubt it.
” Similarly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ineptitude was seen by many as a godsend to comedians and satirists : “ Don ’ t get me wrong , it ’ s a huge relief to have leadership that values face masks , contact tracing and affordable health care in the midst of an ongoing pandemic , ” said late night comedy writer Josie Saavedra .
“ But it feels like we were just getting started making fun of Trump ’ s tiny hands .
It ’ s bittersweet .
Those jokes are definitely still funny.
” Without the prospect of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ abuses of power , Christensen believes his artistic output has already suffered : “ I ’ m trying to paint Biden now , but when I make his skin tone orange it doesn ’ t really have the same effect .
It ’ s definitely the change in circumstance that ’ s making my art bad , not anything else ” .
Experts warn there is little time left to put society itself on trial by making a sculpture of Trump with a small penis or a parody Twitter account called “ Cheeto @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will have to tolerate lesser forms of art and entertainment .
“ I tried accusing Kamala Harris of calling her spouse ‘ mother ’ and being a secret , self-hating gay , but no one ’ s really responding to that ” said stand up comedian Devin Benson .
“ Now that I know the children in the detention camps are going to be reunited with their families , I ’ m just not depressed enough to be funny , I guess.
” “ What am I supposed to do now , develop @ @ @ @ @ @ @ also interrogating the deeply-ingrained , systemic oppression that preceded and will outlast Donald Trump ?
” Though it may be the end of an era , Benson has begun forming a coalition of artists and comedians to support one another in this new , not-troubling-enough time : “ We ’ re a very eclectic group , but we ’ re united in one thing : the best way to hold truth to power is to pretend fat shaming the president is progressive ” .

WASHINGTON D.C. — While Donald Trump brought blatant corruption, incompetence, and cruelty to the American presidency, his electoral defeat comes with the equally dire consequence that all comedy and art is bad now.
“When Trump was elected, many of us drew comfort from the fact that difficult times inspire great works of art,” said mixed media artist Alan Christensen. “Now that he’s gone, will we ever see another masterpiece like that arguably homophobic graffiti of Trump making out with Putin? I really doubt it.”
Similarly, Trump’s blundering, blustering ineptitude was seen by many as a godsend to comedians and satirists: “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a huge relief to have leadership that values face masks, contact tracing and affordable health care in the midst of an ongoing pandemic,” said late night comedy writer Josie Saavedra. “But it feels like we were just getting started making fun of Trump’s tiny hands. It’s bittersweet. Those jokes are definitely still funny.”
Without the prospect of Trump continuing to degrade norms through flagrant abuses of power, Christensen believes his artistic output has already suffered: “I’m trying to paint Biden now, but when I make his skin tone orange it doesn’t really have the same effect. It’s definitely the change in circumstance that’s making my art bad, not anything else”.
Experts warn there is little time left to put society itself on trial by making a sculpture of Trump with a small penis or a parody Twitter account called “Cheeto in Chief”, and henceforth we will have to tolerate lesser forms of art and entertainment.
“I tried accusing Kamala Harris of calling her spouse ‘mother’ and being a secret, self-hating gay, but no one’s really responding to that” said stand up comedian Devin Benson. “Now that I know the children in the detention camps are going to be reunited with their families, I’m just not depressed enough to be funny, I guess.”
“What am I supposed to do now, develop a healthy relationship to my work while also interrogating the deeply-ingrained, systemic oppression that preceded and will outlast Donald Trump?”
Though it may be the end of an era, Benson has begun forming a coalition of artists and comedians to support one another in this new, not-troubling-enough time: “We’re a very eclectic group, but we’re united in one thing: the best way to hold truth to power is to pretend fat shaming the president is progressive”.


thebeaverton--2020-11-11--Local man’s Donald Trump-Apocalypse Now analogy falls apart instantly

CHATHAM – Over a zoom cocktail hour with friends , local dentist Doug Nairn tried to make a complicated analogy comparing the end of the Trump Administration to the plot of the Francis Ford Coppola film Apocalypse Now , only for it to disintegrate immediately .
The analogy started with Nairn expressing how relieved he was that the Trump presidency was over , saying it was “ just like Apocalypse Now.
” When his friends asked him to elaborate , he said “ you know , Colonel Kurtz is Donald Trump , and , uh Martin Sheen is Joe Biden… @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the smell of napalm in the morning… wait , how does Apocalypse Now end ?
” The analogy came after several of Nairn ’ s friends described Joe Biden ’ s victory over Trump in the presidential election using pop culture references , ranging from the destruction of the Death Star to wizards celebrating the defeat of Voldemort .
Nairn saw how well-received these analogies were , and immediately jumped in with a comparison to a movie he did not remember well and had little in common with the current political situation .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ fact that Marlon Brando was like Trump , in that he was crazy in this movie , and kind of overweight , ” explained Nairn .
“ And the whole Vietnam war was a bad situation , just like the last four years with Trump in office , and I thought that the rest of it would just fall naturally into place .
But it didn ’ t .
Kind of like Martin Sheen ’ s mission to find and assassinate Kurtz in Apocalypse Now .
My Apocalypse Now analogy is analogous to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ m trying to say.
” Most of Nairn ’ s friends were sympathetic to his plight and tried to help him make the analogy work .
Bethany Johnson , who Doug knows from high school , suggested that maybe he was thinking of the fraught process of filming Apocalypse now , and Garth Brole , Doug ’ s co-worker , thought maybe he was thinking of Platoon , but the entire group agreed that these examples also did not represent the current moment very well .
“ Doug has a history of making @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I still remember when he likened the Iraq War to an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air , or even in high school when he said the Y2K virus was like a different episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air .
I think he just wanted to sound smart this time , so he picked a non-Fresh Prince analogy ” At press time , Nairn was chatting with a dog-walker on his street and describing the COVID pandemic as “ Kafka-esque ” .

CHATHAM – Over a zoom cocktail hour with friends, local dentist Doug Nairn tried to make a complicated analogy comparing the end of the Trump Administration to the plot of the Francis Ford Coppola film Apocalypse Now, only for it to disintegrate immediately.
The analogy started with Nairn expressing how relieved he was that the Trump presidency was over, saying it was “just like Apocalypse Now.” When his friends asked him to elaborate, he said “you know, Colonel Kurtz is Donald Trump, and, uh Martin Sheen is Joe Biden… Rudy Giuliani is the guy who loves the smell of napalm in the morning… wait, how does Apocalypse Now end?”
The analogy came after several of Nairn’s friends described Joe Biden’s victory over Trump in the presidential election using pop culture references, ranging from the destruction of the Death Star to wizards celebrating the defeat of Voldemort. Nairn saw how well-received these analogies were, and immediately jumped in with a comparison to a movie he did not remember well and had little in common with the current political situation.
“I really just seized on the fact that Marlon Brando was like Trump, in that he was crazy in this movie, and kind of overweight,” explained Nairn. “And the whole Vietnam war was a bad situation, just like the last four years with Trump in office, and I thought that the rest of it would just fall naturally into place. But it didn’t. Kind of like Martin Sheen’s mission to find and assassinate Kurtz in Apocalypse Now. My Apocalypse Now analogy is analogous to Apocalypse Now, is what I’m trying to say.”
Most of Nairn’s friends were sympathetic to his plight and tried to help him make the analogy work. Bethany Johnson, who Doug knows from high school, suggested that maybe he was thinking of the fraught process of filming Apocalypse now, and Garth Brole, Doug’s co-worker, thought maybe he was thinking of Platoon, but the entire group agreed that these examples also did not represent the current moment very well.
“Doug has a history of making poor analogies,” explained Bethany. “I still remember when he likened the Iraq War to an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, or even in high school when he said the Y2K virus was like a different episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I think he just wanted to sound smart this time, so he picked a non-Fresh Prince analogy”
At press time, Nairn was chatting with a dog-walker on his street and describing the COVID pandemic as “Kafka-esque”.


thebeaverton--2020-11-11--Veterans fought for my freedom to kill them with COVID-19

Whenever I reflect on November 11th , I think of all of the veterans who were fighting for freedom and democracy .
Many have grown old , but they will be happy to know that I am exercising my freedom to kill them with a highly infectious disease .
There are only some 26,000 Canadian World War II veterans alive , and there will be even fewer when I willingly choose to not wear a mask while grocery shopping .
I ’ m sure they would understand that I was practicing my personal choice by having little care for their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ men and women fought Nazis and dictators , while I did my part by fighting with the manager of a local Food Basics after he told me to put on a mask and follow the arrows on the floor .
They can ’ t tell me what to do !
Vets didn ’ t sacrifice everything just so I could be told to “ please wash your hands.
” I will continue to wear a poppy whenever I go out to a rave with a fever of 103 C just to let the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when they go .

By Byron Grimshaw
Whenever I reflect on November 11th, I think of all of the veterans who were fighting for freedom and democracy. Many have grown old, but they will be happy to know that I am exercising my freedom to kill them with a highly infectious disease.
There are only some 26,000 Canadian World War II veterans alive, and there will be even fewer when I willingly choose to not wear a mask while grocery shopping. I’m sure they would understand that I was practicing my personal choice by having little care for their health.
After all, these brave men and women fought Nazis and dictators, while I did my part by fighting with the manager of a local Food Basics after he told me to put on a mask and follow the arrows on the floor. They can’t tell me what to do! Vets didn’t sacrifice everything just so I could be told to “please wash your hands.”
I will continue to wear a poppy whenever I go out to a rave with a fever of 103 C just to let the vets know they’ll be remembered when they go.


thebeaverton--2020-11-11--America’s neo-nazis ask for patience and space to grieve downfall of racist dictator

WASHINGTON D.C. – As the results of the 2020 election settle in , America ’ s neo-nazi community is asking for time and space to grieve the downfall of their beloved racist dictator , Donald Trump .
“ I ’ m so sad , bro , ” said local skinhead John White , wiping tears off of his 1488 cheek tattoo .
“ I really thought it was going to be easy to fulfill my dream of living in a nation that eradicates non-whites .
This must be how all the race traitors felt when Michael Jackson died.
” The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ statement asking for empathy and grace while its membership processes the news and practices restorative self-care .
“ Now is the perfect time to hug your local Klan member , ” said Klan rep Mike Bone .
“ Offer them a shoulder to cry on , or a cloth that isn ’ t part of their sacred robes to dry their tears .
If you really want to cheer them up , our website offers an extensive library of eugenics propaganda to explore together.
” The neo-nazi community is especially exacerbated by reports @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cease , or even slow , their activities in America .
Multiple members have vowed that no amount of ideological bridge-building or outreach across the aisle will stop their activities , though they found the sentiment both “ nice ” and “ a great example of cucklord-SJW society.
” “ Yeah , Trump made it real easy to live my truth distributing white pride pamphlets down at the Kroger , ” explained White .
“ But termites don ’ t stop eating your house once you ’ ve sold it .
I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ die .
But I would appreciate getting a friendly smile when I do.
” Racist death cults across America are currently accepting donations to help their members through this sad time .
They are especially interested in face masks , weapons , bath bombs , arson materials , those kleenexes with lotion infused into them , and any IEDs you maybe have lying around the house .
“ We ’ re taking a moment to pause and reflect , ” Said Klan rep Mike Bone .
“ Sooner or later , we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mission of razing America ’ s corrupt multicultural society to the ground .
But right now , we just need some snuggles and smooches , and it seems like liberal America is more than happy to provide them .
”

WASHINGTON D.C. – As the results of the 2020 election settle in, America’s neo-nazi community is asking for time and space to grieve the downfall of their beloved racist dictator, Donald Trump.
“I’m so sad, bro,” said local skinhead John White, wiping tears off of his 1488 cheek tattoo. “I really thought it was going to be easy to fulfill my dream of living in a nation that eradicates non-whites. This must be how all the race traitors felt when Michael Jackson died.”
The Ku Klux Klan has issued a public statement asking for empathy and grace while its membership processes the news and practices restorative self-care.
“Now is the perfect time to hug your local Klan member,” said Klan rep Mike Bone. “Offer them a shoulder to cry on, or a cloth that isn’t part of their sacred robes to dry their tears. If you really want to cheer them up, our website offers an extensive library of eugenics propaganda to explore together.”
The neo-nazi community is especially exacerbated by reports that Biden’s election win will cease, or even slow, their activities in America. Multiple members have vowed that no amount of ideological bridge-building or outreach across the aisle will stop their activities, though they found the sentiment both “nice” and “a great example of cucklord-SJW society.”
“Yeah, Trump made it real easy to live my truth distributing white pride pamphlets down at the Kroger,” explained White. “But termites don’t stop eating your house once you’ve sold it. I’m still handing out pamphlets til I die. But I would appreciate getting a friendly smile when I do.”
Racist death cults across America are currently accepting donations to help their members through this sad time. They are especially interested in face masks, weapons, bath bombs, arson materials, those kleenexes with lotion infused into them, and any IEDs you maybe have lying around the house.
“We’re taking a moment to pause and reflect,” Said Klan rep Mike Bone. “Sooner or later, we’ll be strong enough to continue our mission of razing America’s corrupt multicultural society to the ground. But right now, we just need some snuggles and smooches, and it seems like liberal America is more than happy to provide them.”