thebeaverton--2020-12-02--Trump forces Eric and Don Jr to compete for last spot on pardon list

WASHINGTON D.C. – Donald Trump has been preparing a slew of preemptive pardons to ensure none of the criminal activity carried out during his presidency will result in jail time for his favourite underlings , and is now faced with deciding which , if either , of his adult sons deserves a spot on that list .
“ They ’ re both disappointments , neither of them is as smart or attractive as their sister Ivanka , ” Trump was overheard saying to his advisers as they were discussing the massive personal pardon initiative which will take up the bulk @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I would not have dated either of them even if they weren ’ t my children.
” According to several anonymous sources in the White House , Trump has decided to pit Eric and Donald Jr against each other in a series of increasingly bizarre and painful challenges to determine which of them he will pardon and which one will be expected to take on full legal consequences for the family ’ s numerous alleged federal crimes .
“ It ’ ll be like The Apprentice , remember that show ?
People @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they had these lawyers , not as good as my lawyers , who didn ’ t let me do everything I wanted to do on that show .
Something about laws against torture , which at the time were very strict , a lot of people don ’ t know that , ” Trump told his advisers .
“ But I still remember lots of those ideas I had .
Fantastic ideas .
And now I can pardon everyone else involved in carrying them out for me .
This is a great system @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I couldn ’ t pardon anyone there.
” Trump has already used several hundred thousand dollars ostensibly raised to challenge the election results to construct a large transparent swimming pool on the White House lawn and fill it with electric eels , piranhas , and that fish which is rumored to be able to swim up and lodge itself inside the human urethra .
“ It ’ ll be fun to watch , I should sell tickets , can we start selling tickets ?
” Trump said , grinning to himself as he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to make two of his children to debase and harm themselves for his amusement .
“ I just hope the ugly one doesn ’ t win.
” Neither Eric Trump nor Donald Trump Jr. have made themselves available for comment on this ongoing story because they don ’ t know which of them will soon have anything he says held against him in a court of law .

WASHINGTON D.C. – Donald Trump has been preparing a slew of preemptive pardons to ensure none of the criminal activity carried out during his presidency will result in jail time for his favourite underlings, and is now faced with deciding which, if either, of his adult sons deserves a spot on that list.
“They’re both disappointments, neither of them is as smart or attractive as their sister Ivanka,” Trump was overheard saying to his advisers as they were discussing the massive personal pardon initiative which will take up the bulk of his remaining time as president. “I would not have dated either of them even if they weren’t my children.”
According to several anonymous sources in the White House, Trump has decided to pit Eric and Donald Jr against each other in a series of increasingly bizarre and painful challenges to determine which of them he will pardon and which one will be expected to take on full legal consequences for the family’s numerous alleged federal crimes.
“It’ll be like The Apprentice, remember that show? People loved that show. But NBC, they had these lawyers, not as good as my lawyers, who didn’t let me do everything I wanted to do on that show. Something about laws against torture, which at the time were very strict, a lot of people don’t know that,” Trump told his advisers.
“But I still remember lots of those ideas I had. Fantastic ideas. And now I can pardon everyone else involved in carrying them out for me. This is a great system. Much better than at NBC. I couldn’t pardon anyone there.”
Trump has already used several hundred thousand dollars ostensibly raised to challenge the election results to construct a large transparent swimming pool on the White House lawn and fill it with electric eels, piranhas, and that fish which is rumored to be able to swim up and lodge itself inside the human urethra.
“It’ll be fun to watch, I should sell tickets, can we start selling tickets?” Trump said, grinning to himself as he described all the ways he was preparing to make two of his children to debase and harm themselves for his amusement. “I just hope the ugly one doesn’t win.”
Neither Eric Trump nor Donald Trump Jr. have made themselves available for comment on this ongoing story because they don’t know which of them will soon have anything he says held against him in a court of law.


thebeaverton--2020-12-02--Hollywood begins search for the right cis actor to play Elliot Page in eventual biopic

HOLLYWOOD – After an announcement by Oscar-nominated Canadian actor Elliot Page that he is trans , major studio executives have begun the search for the perfect cis actor to step into the “ Elliot Page ” role in a future inspirational biopic .
The motion picture is expected to garner an Academy Award for whatever cis actor portrays the challenges and discrimination Page faces as a trans actor .
“ Elliot Page is a true trailblazer , and their courage deserves to be brought to the screen by somebody who hasn ’ t shared even remotely similar life experiences , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The Danish Girl , in reaction to the news .
In spite of the recent nature of Page ’ s announcement , their story is already in development in an unauthorized script that explores his life with a focus on tragedy , pain , the occasional humorous misunderstanding , and tragedy .
“ Today is an incredible day not only for Elliot Page , but also for the entire cis acting community , which warmly welcomes the addition of yet another prestige role that we all hope to one day portray , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Don ’ t Cry .
The as-of-yet untitled movie about Page ’ s life has been granted an unlimited special effects makeup budget to transform any actor into the Juno star ’ s likeness , and has provided the casting department with a wall of headshots and some darts to throw at them while blindfolded .
As one executive explains , “ We need to find somebody bankable enough that they ’ ve been in a superhero franchise like X-Men , have worked with blockbuster directors like Christopher Nolan , and can anchor @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Academy .
You know , an actor like Jared Leto .
”

HOLLYWOOD – After an announcement by Oscar-nominated Canadian actor Elliot Page that he is trans, major studio executives have begun the search for the perfect cis actor to step into the “Elliot Page” role in a future inspirational biopic.
The motion picture is expected to garner an Academy Award for whatever cis actor portrays the challenges and discrimination Page faces as a trans actor.
“Elliot Page is a true trailblazer, and their courage deserves to be brought to the screen by somebody who hasn’t shared even remotely similar life experiences,” said Eddie Redmayne, star of The Danish Girl, in reaction to the news.
In spite of the recent nature of Page’s announcement, their story is already in development in an unauthorized script that explores his life with a focus on tragedy, pain, the occasional humorous misunderstanding, and tragedy.
“Today is an incredible day not only for Elliot Page, but also for the entire cis acting community, which warmly welcomes the addition of yet another prestige role that we all hope to one day portray,” stated Hilary Swank, star of Boys Don’t Cry.
The as-of-yet untitled movie about Page’s life has been granted an unlimited special effects makeup budget to transform any actor into the Juno star’s likeness, and has provided the casting department with a wall of headshots and some darts to throw at them while blindfolded.
As one executive explains, “We need to find somebody bankable enough that they’ve been in a superhero franchise like X-Men, have worked with blockbuster directors like Christopher Nolan, and can anchor a major Netflix series like The Umbrella Academy. You know, an actor like Jared Leto.”


thebeaverton--2020-12-03--Amazon responds to The Queen’s Gambit by ordering limited series about Jenga prodigy

CULVER CITY – In the wake of the worldwide success of the Netflix limited series The Queen ’ s Gambit , about the rise of fictional chess genius Beth Harmon , Amazon Studios has placed an order for a similar limited series about someone who is really good at Jenga .
“ We couldn ’ t be more excited about You Take a Block From the Bottom , our very original series about Frank Lake , a Jenga genius who is going to take a block from the middle of America ’ s hearts and put it on top , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of television for Amazon Studios .
Unlike the glamorous outcast Beth Harmon , played wonderfully in The Queen ’ s Gambit by Anya Taylor-Joy , Frank Lake is a 45-year old managing consultant from New Jersey with exceptionally light fingers and a finely honed sense of balance .
Creator and showrunner Jennifer Basten said it was a no-brainer to cast Kevin James in the starring role .
“ You need someone who represents what Jenga is all about , ” said Basten .
“ And Kevin James delivers that in spades , or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wooden blocks .
You need someone who can make their eyes go big with suspense when the tower almost falls over , but also someone who can yell ‘ Oh shit !
’ really loudly when the tower does fall over .
Kevin can do both those things.
” The series explores the cost of living a life “ always on the brink of toppling ” , according to Cheng .
Abandoned by his parents at a Chuck-E-Cheese at the age of 17 , Lake soon falls into the dark side of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his demons : a compulsive desire to make shorter structures into taller ones , and an addiction to Grape Crush .
Amazon Studios has already budgeted several million dollars towards digital technology to change James ’ appearance in the early episodes so he looks seventeen years old , and from New Jersey .
Hasbro , who is the official marketer of Jenga , is anticipating a huge bump in sales after the series is released .
They are planning to coordinate the premiere of the series with the launch of weJenga , an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ against both their friends and some of the world ’ s greatest Jenga strategists .
In related news , Disney+ is expected to announce the development of their Scattergories-based anthology drama , Scatterstories , later this week .

CULVER CITY – In the wake of the worldwide success of the Netflix limited series The Queen’s Gambit, about the rise of fictional chess genius Beth Harmon, Amazon Studios has placed an order for a similar limited series about someone who is really good at Jenga.
“We couldn’t be more excited about You Take a Block From the Bottom, our very original series about Frank Lake, a Jenga genius who is going to take a block from the middle of America’s hearts and put it on top,” said Albert Cheng, the co-head of television for Amazon Studios.
Unlike the glamorous outcast Beth Harmon, played wonderfully in The Queen’s Gambit by Anya Taylor-Joy, Frank Lake is a 45-year old managing consultant from New Jersey with exceptionally light fingers and a finely honed sense of balance. Creator and showrunner Jennifer Basten said it was a no-brainer to cast Kevin James in the starring role.
“You need someone who represents what Jenga is all about,” said Basten. “And Kevin James delivers that in spades, or in this case, 54 nearly identical wooden blocks. You need someone who can make their eyes go big with suspense when the tower almost falls over, but also someone who can yell ‘Oh shit!’ really loudly when the tower does fall over. Kevin can do both those things.”
The series explores the cost of living a life “always on the brink of toppling”, according to Cheng. Abandoned by his parents at a Chuck-E-Cheese at the age of 17, Lake soon falls into the dark side of the competitive Jenga world while trying to outrun his demons: a compulsive desire to make shorter structures into taller ones, and an addiction to Grape Crush. Amazon Studios has already budgeted several million dollars towards digital technology to change James’ appearance in the early episodes so he looks seventeen years old, and from New Jersey.
Hasbro, who is the official marketer of Jenga, is anticipating a huge bump in sales after the series is released. They are planning to coordinate the premiere of the series with the launch of weJenga, an online Jenga site where players can play against both their friends and some of the world’s greatest Jenga strategists.
In related news, Disney+ is expected to announce the development of their Scattergories-based anthology drama, Scatterstories, later this week.


thebeaverton--2020-12-03--Santa Claus states fake Pandemic won’t stop him from entering anyone’s home

North Pole – Santa Claus has responded to questions about the pandemic affecting Christmas by saying he is not afraid of some “ fake disease.
” “ I won ’ t let some left-wing conspiracy to destroy small businesses ruin Christmas , ” said the former Kris Kringle .
“ If Costco can serve chicken wings all day to anyone , then it only makes sense that Santa will be serving everyone their Christmas gifts , in their homes , world-wide.
” Health experts all over the world have shared their concerns at the devastating impact Santa Claus coming to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ catch and spread the virus to every home in the world .
“ There is no end of the world scenario worse than how badly Santa would fuck us all over with his current attitude , ” said Tedros Adhanom , head of WHO .
Santa ’ s workshop elves have also shared their concerns about Santa bringing COVID back to the North Pole .
“ We ’ re incredibly susceptible to disease on account of our organs being made out of candy and glitter , ” said Swee T. Caeke , head @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Norwalk killed 50,000 elves just a couple years ago .
We ’ re a pretty sheltered community and while we respect Santa ’ s spirit , we think he might be spending his energy on the wrong side of this issue.
” Santa has responded to the elves ’ requests by calling them “ snowflake cowards ” and has reportedly doubled their daily work hours from 10 to 20 per day .
The WHO has said Santa will be charged $ 1,000 per home he invades but his followers have already raised 1.2 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on Christmas is hitting a pivotal moment right now , ” said Santa on his twitter account .
“ Libtards the world over are trying to assassinate me , they always have been trying .
But Santa is coming this year , whether you ’ re naughty or nice or a cuck .
Follow me on Parler to hear the TRUE meaning of Christmas !
” Representatives from WHO have requested that Santa at the very least wear a mask during his visits as a single laugh would not only shake his belly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could kill an entire home of occupants .
Santa has refused , noting that he won ’ t be wearing a “ commie flag ” over his mouth , and asked , “ if everyone else is wearing a mask , then it shouldn ’ t matter if I wear one right ?
Or do masks not actually work ?
Triggered much ?
” In related news , the Easter Bunny will be handing out circular , flat disks of chocolate instead of round easter eggs in order to “ raise awareness about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ”

North Pole – Santa Claus has responded to questions about the pandemic affecting Christmas by saying he is not afraid of some “fake disease.”
“I won’t let some left-wing conspiracy to destroy small businesses ruin Christmas,” said the former Kris Kringle. “If Costco can serve chicken wings all day to anyone, then it only makes sense that Santa will be serving everyone their Christmas gifts, in their homes, world-wide.”
Health experts all over the world have shared their concerns at the devastating impact Santa Claus coming to town could have if he were to catch and spread the virus to every home in the world.
“There is no end of the world scenario worse than how badly Santa would fuck us all over with his current attitude,” said Tedros Adhanom, head of WHO.
Santa’s workshop elves have also shared their concerns about Santa bringing COVID back to the North Pole. “We’re incredibly susceptible to disease on account of our organs being made out of candy and glitter,” said Swee T. Caeke, head labourer and elf union representative. “Norwalk killed 50,000 elves just a couple years ago. We’re a pretty sheltered community and while we respect Santa’s spirit, we think he might be spending his energy on the wrong side of this issue.”
Santa has responded to the elves’ requests by calling them “snowflake cowards” and has reportedly doubled their daily work hours from 10 to 20 per day.
The WHO has said Santa will be charged $1,000 per home he invades but his followers have already raised 1.2 trillion using GoFundMe. “The war on Christmas is hitting a pivotal moment right now,” said Santa on his twitter account. “Libtards the world over are trying to assassinate me, they always have been trying. But Santa is coming this year, whether you’re naughty or nice or a cuck. Follow me on Parler to hear the TRUE meaning of Christmas!”
Representatives from WHO have requested that Santa at the very least wear a mask during his visits as a single laugh would not only shake his belly like a bowl full of jelly but could kill an entire home of occupants. Santa has refused, noting that he won’t be wearing a “commie flag” over his mouth, and asked, “if everyone else is wearing a mask, then it shouldn’t matter if I wear one right? Or do masks not actually work? Triggered much?”
In related news, the Easter Bunny will be handing out circular, flat disks of chocolate instead of round easter eggs in order to “raise awareness about the real shape of the earth.”


thebeaverton--2020-12-03--Woman dead for three days told she’s “probably just stressed” by doctor

BARRIE , ON – Olivia Short , a local woman diagnosed as “ probably just stressed ” by her doctor , has turned out to have already been dead for three days .
Olivia “ Liv ” Short , 29 , had already been deceased for approximately 72 hours at the time that she was wheeled into her family doctor ’ s office on a stretcher Monday morning .
Dr. Aldo Whitman , 61 , her physician of more than twenty years , failed to notice the young woman was not moving , speaking , or breathing when he walked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Ms. Short ’ s scheduled appointment .
“ My female patients rarely speak during their appointments , ” Dr. Whitman explained .
“ They ’ re very prone to laryngitis due to their shrill voices .
Plus , they ’ re often speechless at what a superb diagnostician I am.
” After delivering his diagnosis of “ just stressed ” , Dr. Whitman begrudgingly performed a quick physical examination .
Upon noticing how heavily Ms. Short ’ s limbs dropped during the brief exam , Dr. Whitman suggested she lose some weight .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ cure for most ailments seen in female patients .
“ Laryngitis , allergies , hysteria , you name it , ” he explained .
He also noted that Ms. Short appeared to be suffering from excess tension , later revealed to be rigor mortis .
When asked how he could make such an egregious error , Dr. Whitman remarked , “ Wow , you sound stressed.
” Just stress , the doctor explained , is the most common problem observed in female patients – and the easiest to cure .
“ As soon @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just stressed , I never see them in my office again , ” he added proudly .
Before leaving to tell his next patient that her pain was all in her head – another common female problem , he later explained – Dr. Whitman asked Ms. Short the first question of her entire appointment : “ Are you sure you ’ re not just pregnant ?
” The doctor had failed to remember that his patient of over two decades was a gold star lesbian frequently quoted as saying she would “ literally @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
This is not presumed to be the cause of death at this time .

BARRIE, ON – Olivia Short, a local woman diagnosed as “probably just stressed” by her doctor, has turned out to have already been dead for three days.
Olivia “Liv” Short, 29, had already been deceased for approximately 72 hours at the time that she was wheeled into her family doctor’s office on a stretcher Monday morning.
Dr. Aldo Whitman, 61, her physician of more than twenty years, failed to notice the young woman was not moving, speaking, or breathing when he walked into the exam room forty-seven minutes after Ms. Short’s scheduled appointment.
“My female patients rarely speak during their appointments,” Dr. Whitman explained. “They’re very prone to laryngitis due to their shrill voices. Plus, they’re often speechless at what a superb diagnostician I am.”
After delivering his diagnosis of “just stressed”, Dr. Whitman begrudgingly performed a quick physical examination. Upon noticing how heavily Ms. Short’s limbs dropped during the brief exam, Dr. Whitman suggested she lose some weight. This, he explains, is the cure for most ailments seen in female patients.
“Laryngitis, allergies, hysteria, you name it,” he explained.
He also noted that Ms. Short appeared to be suffering from excess tension, later revealed to be rigor mortis. When asked how he could make such an egregious error, Dr. Whitman remarked, “Wow, you sound stressed.” Just stress, the doctor explained, is the most common problem observed in female patients – and the easiest to cure.
“As soon as I tell them they’re just stressed, I never see them in my office again,” he added proudly.
Before leaving to tell his next patient that her pain was all in her head – another common female problem, he later explained – Dr. Whitman asked Ms. Short the first question of her entire appointment: “Are you sure you’re not just pregnant?”
The doctor had failed to remember that his patient of over two decades was a gold star lesbian frequently quoted as saying she would “literally rather die” than sleep with men. This is not presumed to be the cause of death at this time.


thebeaverton--2020-12-03--Jason Kenney’s pride now leading cause of death in Alberta

EDMONTON – A new study from the Office of Statistics and Information indicates Premier Jason Kenney ’ s excessive pride @ @ @ @ @ of death in Alberta .
“ Hubris is a pre-existing condition for many leaders , @ @ @ @ @ case is quite acute ” explained Dr. Jacob R. Kay , an epidemiologist and lead @ @ @ @ @ “ Symptoms of this psychological disease include amnesia of medical advice , anger towards minority @ @ @ @ @ Cancer and double-dares are now the second and third leading cause of mortality respectively in @ @ @ @ @ from ensuring the prime minister doesn ’ t look good is killing dozens per day @ @ @ @ @ .
Other symptoms of this disease include a provincial government ’ s refusal to accept @ @ @ @ @ pandemic , passive responses to the anti-mask movement , and kneecapping the provincial health care @ @ @ @ @ , Kenney thanked the federal government for its use of two field hospitals with his @ @ @ @

EDMONTON – A new study from the Office of Statistics and Information indicates Premier Jason Kenney’s excessive pride is the new leading cause of death in Alberta.
“Hubris is a pre-existing condition for many leaders, but the premier’s case is quite acute” explained Dr. Jacob R. Kay, an epidemiologist and lead author of the study. “Symptoms of this psychological disease include amnesia of medical advice, anger towards minority communities, and pettiness.”
Cancer and double-dares are now the second and third leading cause of mortality respectively in the province.
“Complications from ensuring the prime minister doesn’t look good is killing dozens per day,” said Dr. Kay.
Other symptoms of this disease include a provincial government’s refusal to accept federal pandemic aid for the pandemic, passive responses to the anti-mask movement, and kneecapping the provincial health care system.
At press time, Kenney thanked the federal government for its use of two field hospitals with his customary middle finger.


thebeaverton--2020-12-04--Health Canada warns of inevitable “spring wave” of terrible COVID-inspired Fringe plays

OTTAWA – As COVID case numbers across the country rise due to the winter weather , Health Canada is warning about the unavoidable “ spring wave ” of hazardously ill-conceived pandemic inspired independent Fringe Festival shows .
“ COVID-19-related theatrical productions remain on a troubling course , ” explained Dr. Theresa Tam , Canada ’ s Chief Public Health Officer .
“ Health Canada is forecasting an outbreak of hundreds , if not thousands , of awful coronavirus-themed short plays , independent musicals , and God help us all – one person shows about being a struggling actor during quarantine.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ a wave of thousands of theatre ‘ professionals ’ who will be absolutely convinced the world needs to hear their thoughts on the global pandemic that we will all be desperate to forget , ” Tam added solemnly .
Case modelling indicates that various poorly-written scripts and “ workshop drafts ” are currently incubating all across the country .
Health Canada warned of asymptomatic carriers who may seem healthy , despite currently using their Notes app to brainstorm ideas for a painfully unfunny sketch comedy revue with premises like “ Speed Dating on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ CERB ?
” .
“ These terrible Fringe plays will no doubt ravage the bodies and minds of previously-healthy Canadians , ” explained Dr. Tam gravely .
“ The kind of outbreaks we face might include : amateur actors who just can ’ t project loud enough while wearing PPE masks ; some kind of weird clown thing where they dress up as the coronavirus and force audience members to join them onstage ; or even pathetically-misguided attempts to thematically suggest that the real virus all along was ‘ social media ’ .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ borderline-unwatchable plays will directly attack our natural defenses , ” Tam added .
Researchers also warn of the danger of attending any such indoor social gatherings held in black box theatres , converted church basements , or restaurants where most of the patrons are not expecting a Fringe play to start happening .
These , doctors warn , are prime infection zones for terrible COVID-oriented independent theatre .
“ If we continue on our current pace , ” Tam added , “ our longer range models forecast significant increases in daily Fringe Festival @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could be up to 10,000 daily victims forced to buy tickets by mid-June.
” To prevent the spread of brutal COVID-inspired Fringe plays , Health Canada advises all Canadians to maintain social distancing measures , particularly from any friends or family members who are under-employed actors or aspiring improvisers .
Canadians are warned to immediately notify health authorities if they spot any office temps putting up flyers in the break room .
Tam also offered the hope that a vaccine may not be available by the 2021 summer Fringe season , thus scuttling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spread .
“ And if we do have a vaccine in time , ” Tam added , “ rest assured that the priority order which determines who will get the vaccine first – frontline healthcare workers – also places Fringe actors dead last for who will get the vaccine , right behind loud crossfit instructors and aspiring DJs.
” Health Canada also encourages Canadians to start building tolerance now against bad COVID entertainment by watching those weird Grey ’ s Anatomy episodes that were filmed under lockdown .

OTTAWA – As COVID case numbers across the country rise due to the winter weather, Health Canada is warning about the unavoidable “spring wave” of hazardously ill-conceived pandemic inspired independent Fringe Festival shows.
“COVID-19-related theatrical productions remain on a troubling course,” explained Dr. Theresa Tam, Canada’s Chief Public Health Officer. “Health Canada is forecasting an outbreak of hundreds, if not thousands, of awful coronavirus-themed short plays, independent musicals, and God help us all – one person shows about being a struggling actor during quarantine.”
“Basically, our data indicates a wave of thousands of theatre ‘professionals’ who will be absolutely convinced the world needs to hear their thoughts on the global pandemic that we will all be desperate to forget,” Tam added solemnly.
Case modelling indicates that various poorly-written scripts and “workshop drafts” are currently incubating all across the country. Health Canada warned of asymptomatic carriers who may seem healthy, despite currently using their Notes app to brainstorm ideas for a painfully unfunny sketch comedy revue with premises like “Speed Dating on Zoom” and “rap song about CERB?”.
“These terrible Fringe plays will no doubt ravage the bodies and minds of previously-healthy Canadians,” explained Dr. Tam gravely. “The kind of outbreaks we face might include: amateur actors who just can’t project loud enough while wearing PPE masks; some kind of weird clown thing where they dress up as the coronavirus and force audience members to join them onstage; or even pathetically-misguided attempts to thematically suggest that the real virus all along was ‘social media’.”
“Make no mistake, these borderline-unwatchable plays will directly attack our natural defenses,” Tam added.
Researchers also warn of the danger of attending any such indoor social gatherings held in black box theatres, converted church basements, or restaurants where most of the patrons are not expecting a Fringe play to start happening. These, doctors warn, are prime infection zones for terrible COVID-oriented independent theatre.
“If we continue on our current pace,” Tam added, “our longer range models forecast significant increases in daily Fringe Festival Facebook invitations, and estimate that there could be up to 10,000 daily victims forced to buy tickets by mid-June.”
To prevent the spread of brutal COVID-inspired Fringe plays, Health Canada advises all Canadians to maintain social distancing measures, particularly from any friends or family members who are under-employed actors or aspiring improvisers. Canadians are warned to immediately notify health authorities if they spot any office temps putting up flyers in the break room.
Tam also offered the hope that a vaccine may not be available by the 2021 summer Fringe season, thus scuttling any potentially harmful shows before they can spread. “And if we do have a vaccine in time,” Tam added, “rest assured that the priority order which determines who will get the vaccine first – frontline healthcare workers – also places Fringe actors dead last for who will get the vaccine, right behind loud crossfit instructors and aspiring DJs.”
Health Canada also encourages Canadians to start building tolerance now against bad COVID entertainment by watching those weird Grey’s Anatomy episodes that were filmed under lockdown.


thebeaverton--2020-12-04--Warner Bros. adds additional boob shots to new Tom and Jerry movie to adhere to HBOMax guidelines

HOLLYWOOD – After the announcement that Warner Bros. is set to stream their 2021 lineup on HBOMax , news surfaced that the remake of cat-and-mouse classic Tom and Jerry , must adhere to the channel ’ s strict standards and contain more breast content than previously planned .
“ We are so excited to utilize HBOMax ’ s streaming service so everyone can have their own personal silver screen , ” says CEO of Warner Bros. Hiram Von Applebottom .
“ Sure we had to add a couple more tit shots to a family film… but that ’ s showbiz @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Bros. Entertainment umbrella .
However , the conglomerate wanted respect and honor the storied history of the Home Box Office Channel and provide top-tier explicit boob content to their loyal viewers .
The re-creation of the favourite children ’ s cartoon blends animation with live-action .
The new film now features multiple scenes of big ol ’ tatas , primarily from Toots Mouse , Jerry ’ s girlfriend portrayed by Jessica Alba .
The film initially only contained one gratuitous sex scene , but upon analysis from HBO execs , they thought it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , important plot points , and even in the background of the end credits .
“ We wanted to make it fun for the whole family , ” Von Applebottom added .
“ And we meant the whole family.
” With next year ’ s most anticipated films like Wonder Woman 1984 and The Suicide Squad being released as soon as possible to stream , producers scrambled to add that extra HBO charm in post .
Films have adopted traits of the channel , such as the Matrix 4 featuring a large cast @ @ @ @ @ @ @ In the Heights now features Lin Manuel Miranda railing cocaine , and Timothee Chalamet fucking a space peach in Dune .
As the powerful entertainment dynasty begins making its way into online accessible content , streaming service supergroups have begun to form as a means to survive .
A high-quality porn spinoff of Grace and Frankie backed by Netflix and Pornhub is set to be released next spring .

HOLLYWOOD – After the announcement that Warner Bros. is set to stream their 2021 lineup on HBOMax, news surfaced that the remake of cat-and-mouse classic Tom and Jerry, must adhere to the channel’s strict standards and contain more breast content than previously planned.
“We are so excited to utilize HBOMax’s streaming service so everyone can have their own personal silver screen,” says CEO of Warner Bros. Hiram Von Applebottom. “Sure we had to add a couple more tit shots to a family film… but that’s showbiz baby.”
HBO runs under the Warner Bros. Entertainment umbrella. However, the conglomerate wanted respect and honor the storied history of the Home Box Office Channel and provide top-tier explicit boob content to their loyal viewers.
The re-creation of the favourite children’s cartoon blends animation with live-action. The new film now features multiple scenes of big ol’ tatas, primarily from Toots Mouse, Jerry’s girlfriend portrayed by Jessica Alba. The film initially only contained one gratuitous sex scene, but upon analysis from HBO execs, they thought it best to add more during narrative exposition, important plot points, and even in the background of the end credits.
“We wanted to make it fun for the whole family,” Von Applebottom added. “And we meant the whole family.”
With next year’s most anticipated films like Wonder Woman 1984 and The Suicide Squad being released as soon as possible to stream, producers scrambled to add that extra HBO charm in post. Films have adopted traits of the channel, such as the Matrix 4 featuring a large cast no one can keep track of, In the Heights now features Lin Manuel Miranda railing cocaine, and Timothee Chalamet fucking a space peach in Dune.
As the powerful entertainment dynasty begins making its way into online accessible content, streaming service supergroups have begun to form as a means to survive. A high-quality porn spinoff of Grace and Frankie backed by Netflix and Pornhub is set to be released next spring.


thebeaverton--2020-12-04--Brian Pallister eagerly awaits Amazon order for pandemic response plan

WINNIPEG — Amid peak covid cases , declining approval ratings and holiday cancellations , Premier Brian Pallister has ordered a pandemic response plan using Amazon Prime .
Sources close to the premier said the alleged best plan on the market was a great deal with free next-day Prime delivery .
“ It seemed like the right thing to do , ” said Pallister .
“ I tried doing nothing , saying nothing — I was running out of ideas , and Rosemary [ Barton ] was no help either.
” When asked why he chose to support a corporate oligarch @ @ @ @ @ @ @ response plans , Pallister took a pint of vanilla ice cream and a large box of tissues under his desk to watch the latest installment of “ Where in the World is Jason Kenney.
” Brent Roussin , Manitoba ’ s chief public health officer , says it ’ s important for the province to seek out Prime deals .
As the prospect of a vaccine draws closer and Manitoba ’ s struggling healthcare system limps its way through the second wave , the provincial government is looking for the most PR-friendly ways @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s saying the ‘ RestartMB ’ campaign was a waste of half-a-million bucks , ” said Pallister from under his desk , “ but , I mean , money doesn ’ t grow on billboards — I mean , trees.
” At press time , the delivery status for Pallister ’ s pandemic response plan is “ awaiting pickup ” at his vacation home in Costa Rica .

WINNIPEG — Amid peak covid cases, declining approval ratings and holiday cancellations, Premier Brian Pallister has ordered a pandemic response plan using Amazon Prime.
Sources close to the premier said the alleged best plan on the market was a great deal with free next-day Prime delivery.
“It seemed like the right thing to do,” said Pallister. “I tried doing nothing, saying nothing — I was running out of ideas, and Rosemary [Barton] was no help either.”
When asked why he chose to support a corporate oligarch over a local business specializing in pandemic response plans, Pallister took a pint of vanilla ice cream and a large box of tissues under his desk to watch the latest installment of “Where in the World is Jason Kenney.”
Brent Roussin, Manitoba’s chief public health officer, says it’s important for the province to seek out Prime deals. As the prospect of a vaccine draws closer and Manitoba’s struggling healthcare system limps its way through the second wave, the provincial government is looking for the most PR-friendly ways to save money.
“Nobody’s saying the ‘RestartMB’ campaign was a waste of half-a-million bucks,” said Pallister from under his desk, “but, I mean, money doesn’t grow on billboards — I mean, trees.”
At press time, the delivery status for Pallister’s pandemic response plan is “awaiting pickup” at his vacation home in Costa Rica.


thebeaverton--2020-12-04--Office Christmas Party cancellation leaves local man with nowhere to make drunken fool of himself

CALGARY – With his firm forgoing plans for the usual Christmas party this year due to the current pandemic , paralegal Will Sanchez is worried that he will have nowhere to disgrace himself in front of people he sees every day .
“ I ’ m really trying hard to think about where I can go this year , but I keep drawing a blank.
” Sanchez said , panic buying rum and eggnog online .
“ The bars are all closed , my family sees me absolutely smashed all the time , and there ’ s nowhere else that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ land.
” When questioned as to whether not being able to damage his professional image was really a bad thing , Sanchez assured the press that it definitely was .
“ Without that party , my drunken buffoonery just doesn ’ t work .
I ’ ll have to clean up my own vomit , can only embarrass myself in front of my neighbour by dancing with my shirt off , and if I photocopy my genitals at home it ’ s just a common dick pic.
” “ Honestly , I would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ virtual party or something COVID-friendly if I wasn ’ t worried Will would make a total ass of himself again.
” Said Sanchez ’ boss Petra O ’ Leary , whose respect he is in danger of gaining .
“ But after last year when he got his tie caught in a paper shredder and almost choked to death , I thought this was the best course of action .
I don ’ t know if there ’ s a way to hit on the intern over Microsoft Teams , but trust him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time , Sanchez is worried that if the company also cancels secret Santa , he will be deprived of his greatest opportunity to show his co-workers what a cheap bastard he is .

CALGARY – With his firm forgoing plans for the usual Christmas party this year due to the current pandemic, paralegal Will Sanchez is worried that he will have nowhere to disgrace himself in front of people he sees every day.
“I’m really trying hard to think about where I can go this year, but I keep drawing a blank.” Sanchez said, panic buying rum and eggnog online. “The bars are all closed, my family sees me absolutely smashed all the time, and there’s nowhere else that my inappropriate jokes about my co-workers will land.”
When questioned as to whether not being able to damage his professional image was really a bad thing, Sanchez assured the press that it definitely was.
“Without that party, my drunken buffoonery just doesn’t work. I’ll have to clean up my own vomit, can only embarrass myself in front of my neighbour by dancing with my shirt off, and if I photocopy my genitals at home it’s just a common dick pic.”
“Honestly, I would’ve been fine with holding a virtual party or something COVID-friendly if I wasn’t worried Will would make a total ass of himself again.” Said Sanchez’ boss Petra O’Leary, whose respect he is in danger of gaining. “But after last year when he got his tie caught in a paper shredder and almost choked to death, I thought this was the best course of action. I don’t know if there’s a way to hit on the intern over Microsoft Teams, but trust him to find a way.”
At press time, Sanchez is worried that if the company also cancels secret Santa, he will be deprived of his greatest opportunity to show his co-workers what a cheap bastard he is.


thebeaverton--2020-12-05--Conservative Party slams Trudeau for not doing enough to combat anti-vaxxers in Conservative Party

OTTAWA – Conservative Party Leader Erin O ’ Toole is blasting Prime Minister Justin Trudeau for failing to stand up to Conservative MP and former leadership candidate Derek Sloan and his anti-vaccine stances .
“ This person is still an MP in a large , mainstream political party , and the prime minister is doing nothing about him , ” said O ’ Toole at a press conference .
“ Vaccination is a safe and effective way at defeating this pandemic , but Trudeau keeps dodging the question about the antics of this MP .
Why is he not being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what Justin Trudeau believes in ?
” The Conservative Party Leader also chastised Trudeau for lacking a plan when it came to dealing with a man who won 15 % of the first round vote in the 2020 Tory leadership some four months ago .
“ We ’ re at the back of the line when it comes to receiving vaccines that some of us will refuse to take , ” said O ’ Toole .
“ Some of us believe this is part of a globalist plot in human experimentation , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to such hogwash.
” According to inside sources , O ’ Toole will switch back to his popular strategy of being a dick to CERB recipients .

OTTAWA – Conservative Party Leader Erin O’Toole is blasting Prime Minister Justin Trudeau for failing to stand up to Conservative MP and former leadership candidate Derek Sloan and his anti-vaccine stances.
“This person is still an MP in a large, mainstream political party, and the prime minister is doing nothing about him,” said O’Toole at a press conference. “Vaccination is a safe and effective way at defeating this pandemic, but Trudeau keeps dodging the question about the antics of this MP. Why is he not being removed from Conservative caucus? Is this what Justin Trudeau believes in?”
The Conservative Party Leader also chastised Trudeau for lacking a plan when it came to dealing with a man who won 15% of the first round vote in the 2020 Tory leadership some four months ago.
“We’re at the back of the line when it comes to receiving vaccines that some of us will refuse to take,” said O’Toole. “Some of us believe this is part of a globalist plot in human experimentation, but no one in my party would adhere to such hogwash.”
According to inside sources, O’Toole will switch back to his popular strategy of being a dick to CERB recipients.


thebeaverton--2020-12-05--“For Christmas this year I just want you to stay safe,” says mom who wants PlayStation 5

RED DEER – Sarah Jessup urged her three adult children to just hunker down and stay safe this Christmas , while also hoping someone would go out and get her a PlayStation 5 anyway .
“ The greatest gift you could give me is your continued good health , ” Jessup ’ s email to her family read , knowing it would be in poor taste to ask her least favourite son to risk the holiday shopping crowds in search of the season ’ s elusive must-have .
“ It ’ s unfortunate that we can ’ t spend Christmas @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I know that we ’ ll be in your thoughts .
You ’ ll certainly be in ours , ” Jessup wrote , while thinking about sick Call of Duty highlight reels .
Jessup considered including a link to the PS5 ’ s Best Buy page after a paragraph where she says , “ And while you ’ re sitting at home thinking about us , you could spend a few hours refreshing this nonstop to snag Mommy a little something , just like I spent a few hours giving birth to all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ We know budgets are tight this year , so no gifts !
We insist !
” the mother said instead , knowing scalpers were charging exorbitant prices and that she might get flak for saying , “ But can you put a price on the gift of life ?
” After sending the email , Jessup went to bake sugar cookies to put in care packages to her children , while wishing she was instead spending the time clowning on scrubs in NBA 2K21 .

RED DEER – Sarah Jessup urged her three adult children to just hunker down and stay safe this Christmas, while also hoping someone would go out and get her a PlayStation 5 anyway.
“The greatest gift you could give me is your continued good health,” Jessup’s email to her family read, knowing it would be in poor taste to ask her least favourite son to risk the holiday shopping crowds in search of the season’s elusive must-have.
“It’s unfortunate that we can’t spend Christmas together this year, but Dad and I know that we’ll be in your thoughts. You’ll certainly be in ours,” Jessup wrote, while thinking about sick Call of Duty highlight reels.
Jessup considered including a link to the PS5’s Best Buy page after a paragraph where she says, “And while you’re sitting at home thinking about us, you could spend a few hours refreshing this nonstop to snag Mommy a little something, just like I spent a few hours giving birth to all of you,” but restrained herself.
“We know budgets are tight this year, so no gifts! We insist!” the mother said instead, knowing scalpers were charging exorbitant prices and that she might get flak for saying, “But can you put a price on the gift of life?”
After sending the email, Jessup went to bake sugar cookies to put in care packages to her children, while wishing she was instead spending the time clowning on scrubs in NBA 2K21.


thebeaverton--2020-12-05--Crave clarifies that just because you pay for HBO+Movies doesn’t mean you get to see Movies that pre

Crave clarifies that just because you pay for HBO+Movies doesn’t mean you get to see Movies that premiere on HBO

TORONTO – With Warner Brothers announcing this week that their slate of big 2021 releases ; including Dune , Matrix , Suicide Squad 2 , and Godzilla Vs Kong will be streaming on HBO Max in the US immediately on release , executives at Crave lept into action to clarify that users who pay for HBO+Movies may get to see these movies “ eventually.
” This comes as a bit of a surprise to the consumers who pay the Canadian media giant $ 19.98 a month for Crave+HBO+Movies .
Like local Crave subscriber Andrew Phillips who said “ So these @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a HBO movie .
I ’ m paying for ‘ Crave+HBO+Movies ’ which is two of the words so I guess I thought I ’ d be set .
If that doesn ’ t get it what does ?
” “ I think I ’ m paying 2 different streaming services for STARZ .
Is that anything ?
What ’ s STARZ ?
” he added .
A Crave spokesperson said that “ We understand the confusion .
So we ’ ll make it simple .
Yes .
No .
Yes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , we have HBO , or HBO plus movies , which includes some Max content , but not Max movies .
It ’ s Crave + HBO + Movies , it ’ s just Max for some TV .
So it ’ s Crave + HBO + Movies – Max Movies + Max TV ≠ Warner Brothers movies eventually .
Honestly I don ’ t know how to make it any simpler than that.
” The Bell Media executive did ask all reporters to remind Canadians they do have Big Bang Theory , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Therefore it looks like Canadians will have to visit their local theatres in 2021 if they want to see Warner Brothers movies when they release .
This comes as a relief to National theatre chain Cineplex .
A Cineplex spokesperson said “ We ’ re so excited to welcome back the return of Cinema !
I know we said this for Tenet too but this time it ’ s for real .
Cinema is totally back !
We have an expression in this business , Tenet me once shame on the audience , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
It ’ s a new expression but we think it ’ s appropriate and that there ’ s no way this is Tenet again .
Right !
?
” So get ready to put on your mask and see these movies in theatres .
Provided of course that movie theatres are allowed to open where you live .
Fortunately federal , provincial and municipal Covid restriction logistics are so much easier to understand than our streaming services .

TORONTO – With Warner Brothers announcing this week that their slate of big 2021 releases; including Dune, Matrix, Suicide Squad 2, and Godzilla Vs Kong will be streaming on HBO Max in the US immediately on release, executives at Crave lept into action to clarify that users who pay for HBO+Movies may get to see these movies “eventually.”
This comes as a bit of a surprise to the consumers who pay the Canadian media giant $19.98 a month for Crave+HBO+Movies. Like local Crave subscriber Andrew Phillips who said “So these are movies, on HBO, it’s a HBO movie. I’m paying for ‘Crave+HBO+Movies’ which is two of the words so I guess I thought I’d be set. If that doesn’t get it what does?”
“I think I’m paying 2 different streaming services for STARZ. Is that anything? What’s STARZ?” he added.
A Crave spokesperson said that “We understand the confusion. So we’ll make it simple. Yes. No. Yes Crave doesn’t have HBO Max, we have HBO, or HBO plus movies, which includes some Max content, but not Max movies. It’s Crave + HBO + Movies, it’s just Max for some TV. So it’s Crave + HBO + Movies – Max Movies + Max TV ≠ Warner Brothers movies eventually. Honestly I don’t know how to make it any simpler than that.”
The Bell Media executive did ask all reporters to remind Canadians they do have Big Bang Theory, in case you’d forgotten.
Therefore it looks like Canadians will have to visit their local theatres in 2021 if they want to see Warner Brothers movies when they release. This comes as a relief to National theatre chain Cineplex. A Cineplex spokesperson said “We’re so excited to welcome back the return of Cinema! I know we said this for Tenet too but this time it’s for real. Cinema is totally back! We have an expression in this business, Tenet me once shame on the audience, Tenet me twice shame on the theatres. It’s a new expression but we think it’s appropriate and that there’s no way this is Tenet again. Right!?”
So get ready to put on your mask and see these movies in theatres. Provided of course that movie theatres are allowed to open where you live. Fortunately federal, provincial and municipal Covid restriction logistics are so much easier to understand than our streaming services.


thebeaverton--2020-12-06--Snowbirds looking to be evacuated from more exotic location this time

TORONTO – Months after being rescued from a stranded cruise by the Canadian government , snowbirds Adriel and Harold Glatterbee @ @ @ @ @ from the deadly grip of the coronavirus from an even more exotic location this winter @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a good three month time share in Mexico we could fly to , @ @ @ @ @ will likely be hospitalized if she contracts the coronavirus due to her heart condition .
@ @ @ @ @ are thinking of something even more rustic like Peru.
” The migrational retirees said they @ @ @ @ @ especially in the locations that have nice beaches they can relax on while overwhelmed health @ @ @ @ @ .
“ We ’ re taking every precaution to avoid crowds unless there ’ s @ @ @ @ @ tickets , ” said Harold .
The couple is hoping they can use their Air @ @ @ @ @ when the Canadian military flies them back to Canada .

TORONTO – Months after being rescued from a stranded cruise by the Canadian government, snowbirds Adriel and Harold Glatterbee are looking to be plucked from the deadly grip of the coronavirus from an even more exotic location this winter.
“I hear there’s a good three month time share in Mexico we could fly to,” said 70-year-old Adriel who will likely be hospitalized if she contracts the coronavirus due to her heart condition. “But Harold and I are thinking of something even more rustic like Peru.”
The migrational retirees said they understood the risks of COVID-19 especially in the locations that have nice beaches they can relax on while overwhelmed health care systems crumble around them.
“We’re taking every precaution to avoid crowds unless there’s a cheap deal on concert tickets,” said Harold.
The couple is hoping they can use their Air Miles to upgrade their seats when the Canadian military flies them back to Canada.


thebeaverton--2020-12-06--Legault moves to ban any holiday gathering that is overt or conspicuous

The Parti Quebecois ’ latest policy came in the form of a proposed ‘ moral contract ’ that would loosen restrictions in order to allow Quebeckers to gather for any and all religious holidays that begin with the letter ‘ C ’ , follow a red and green colour scheme , and honour a white-bearded man who rewards you for being good and punishes you for being bad ; whether he lives in the sky , or the north pole .
After considerable backlash , however , Premier Legault was forced to reverse this rule and ban all gatherings outright @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had put out the following public safety mandates for the holiday season : • None People may gather for one last holiday supper in a group no bigger than 13 members , provided all guests sit on one side of the table and are willing to lose one member to slow , excruciating asphyxiation within the week • None Gatherings of members from more than two different households will be fined unless both the elf on the shelf and the angel sitting atop the tree are masked • None Activities that could weaken @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as inhaling smoke from a menorah or kinara candle , are strictly forbidden In an exception that remains yet unexplained , both roasting chestnuts on an open fire and kissing under the mistletoe were to be allowed .
While the influence of the charter has been highlighted by the holiday season , CAQ detractors claim it started with the complete 180 regarding the use of face coverings in public spaces without even the slightest hint of irony or self-awareness , back in July of this year .
Premier Legault spoke with sincere regret @ @ @ @ @ @ @ authentically Quebecois secular holiday season where we all , regardless of race or creed , could have come together to endanger our most at-risk members for the sake of celebrating the birth of non-religious icon Jesus of Nazareth , who the Premier recently described as “ a humble , working-class carpenter who I ’ m sure would have always issued his invoices in French .
”

The Parti Quebecois’ latest policy came in the form of a proposed ‘moral contract’ that would loosen restrictions in order to allow Quebeckers to gather for any and all religious holidays that begin with the letter ‘C’, follow a red and green colour scheme, and honour a white-bearded man who rewards you for being good and punishes you for being bad; whether he lives in the sky, or the north pole. After considerable backlash, however, Premier Legault was forced to reverse this rule and ban all gatherings outright.
As a result, the CAQ had put out the following public safety mandates for the holiday season:
People may gather for one last holiday supper in a group no bigger than 13 members, provided all guests sit on one side of the table and are willing to lose one member to slow, excruciating asphyxiation within the week
Gatherings of members from more than two different households will be fined unless both the elf on the shelf and the angel sitting atop the tree are masked
Activities that could weaken one’s respiratory organ, such as inhaling smoke from a menorah or kinara candle, are strictly forbidden
In an exception that remains yet unexplained, both roasting chestnuts on an open fire and kissing under the mistletoe were to be allowed.
While the influence of the charter has been highlighted by the holiday season, CAQ detractors claim it started with the complete 180 regarding the use of face coverings in public spaces without even the slightest hint of irony or self-awareness, back in July of this year.
Premier Legault spoke with sincere regret about the missed opportunity to celebrate an authentically Quebecois secular holiday season where we all, regardless of race or creed, could have come together to endanger our most at-risk members for the sake of celebrating the birth of non-religious icon Jesus of Nazareth, who the Premier recently described as “a humble, working-class carpenter who I’m sure would have always issued his invoices in French.”


thebeaverton--2020-12-07--Canadians warned to shelter at home unless your job makes money for someone richer

OTTAWA – Health Canada is warning all Canadians to avoid COVID by staying at home , with the exception of those whose jobs create wealth for those with exponentially more money than them , in which case they should continue reporting to work .
“ As of September , Canada ’ s top billionaires were $ 37 billion richer since the start of the pandemic , but by New Years we can definitely get that number higher , ” explained Dr. Phillip Markson , of Health Canada ’ s Wealth Management Division .
“ While we are urging all Canadians @ @ @ @ @ @ @ poor ventilation , that advice obviously doesn ’ t count if you work for one of these billionaires.
” “ Or frankly , if you work for anyone who owns more than two houses , or a really nice boat , ” added Markson .
While many Canadians are being urged to work from home if at all possible , Health Canada has assured service industry workers that it ’ s “ probably totally fine ” for them to keep reporting to their jobs of creating value for shareholders .
“ But if @ @ @ @ @ @ @ accidentally wander into your place of work , please advise them to get home immediately for their own safety , ” clarified Dr. Markson .
Health Canada also assured entry-level employees who must continue working in stores that a vaccine is on the way .
“ We promise this vaccine will immediately be administered to your bosses .
Well , really your bosses ’ boss , but you get the point.
” In response , business leaders are applauding recent lockdown measures that apply to everyone except their low wage workers .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to work has been invaluable , ” explained Loblaws Director of Operations Jared Courson .
“ For example this summer when we cut employees ’ extra pandemic pay , it allowed us to refocus on Loblaws ’ core mission – finding a less legally-exposed way to fix bread prices nationwide.
” Beyond just showing up for work every day , minimum wage workers are advised to avoid contracting COVID ( and costly sick days ) by limiting any on-the-job breathing to your 15 minute breaks .
Also , low-wage employees are discouraged from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a significant risk of contracting coronavirus and again missing work .
Should low wage employees contract COVID while reporting to their jobs , all levels of government are assuring them that their bosses will not get in trouble , as “ politicians will definitely blame you for going out and partying too much.
” While mid-to-high income Canadians limit shopping trips to essentials , minimum wage workers are advised not to limit themselves to generating wealth solely for the billionaires that they work for .
“ Cut out the middleman , ” explained @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all your savings and personally dropping it off at the home of David Thomson , owner of Thomson Reuters which increased profits by $ 8.8 billion between March and September.
” “ But make sure you wear a mask , because Canada ’ s billionaires don ’ t need your expelled particles .
Just your money .
”

OTTAWA – Health Canada is warning all Canadians to avoid COVID by staying at home, with the exception of those whose jobs create wealth for those with exponentially more money than them, in which case they should continue reporting to work.
“As of September, Canada’s top billionaires were $37 billion richer since the start of the pandemic, but by New Years we can definitely get that number higher,” explained Dr. Phillip Markson, of Health Canada’s Wealth Management Division. “While we are urging all Canadians to avoid closed, crowded spaces with poor ventilation, that advice obviously doesn’t count if you work for one of these billionaires.”
“Or frankly, if you work for anyone who owns more than two houses, or a really nice boat,” added Markson.
While many Canadians are being urged to work from home if at all possible, Health Canada has assured service industry workers that it’s “probably totally fine” for them to keep reporting to their jobs of creating value for shareholders.
“But if you ever see one of those shareholders accidentally wander into your place of work, please advise them to get home immediately for their own safety,” clarified Dr. Markson.
Health Canada also assured entry-level employees who must continue working in stores that a vaccine is on the way. “We promise this vaccine will immediately be administered to your bosses. Well, really your bosses’ boss, but you get the point.”
In response, business leaders are applauding recent lockdown measures that apply to everyone except their low wage workers. “Having our store employees continue showing up to work has been invaluable,” explained Loblaws Director of Operations Jared Courson. “For example this summer when we cut employees’ extra pandemic pay, it allowed us to refocus on Loblaws’ core mission – finding a less legally-exposed way to fix bread prices nationwide.”
Beyond just showing up for work every day, minimum wage workers are advised to avoid contracting COVID (and costly sick days) by limiting any on-the-job breathing to your 15 minute breaks. Also, low-wage employees are discouraged from going to food banks which may pose a significant risk of contracting coronavirus and again missing work.
Should low wage employees contract COVID while reporting to their jobs, all levels of government are assuring them that their bosses will not get in trouble, as “politicians will definitely blame you for going out and partying too much.”
While mid-to-high income Canadians limit shopping trips to essentials, minimum wage workers are advised not to limit themselves to generating wealth solely for the billionaires that they work for. “Cut out the middleman,” explained Dr. Markson, “by just withdrawing all your savings and personally dropping it off at the home of David Thomson, owner of Thomson Reuters which increased profits by $8.8 billion between March and September.”
“But make sure you wear a mask, because Canada’s billionaires don’t need your expelled particles. Just your money.”


thebeaverton--2020-12-07--Trudeau announces new vaccine advent calendar

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that Canada will soon receive its first batch of COVID vaccinations , which will be distributed to Canadians using Health Canada ’ s new vaccine advent calendar .
“ With millions of Canadians wanting to resume normal life and only so many vaccines to go around , it is vital that we come up with a system that is fair , protects the vulnerable and , most importantly , is whimsical , ” said Trudeau at a press conference .
“ So what better way to celebrate the season than an advent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can see your parents without worrying about killing them !
” “ Makes you feel like a non-infectious kid again , ” he added .
Each Canadian should expect to receive the calendar in the mail shortly .
The calendars will be quite large , as they need to accommodate up to 10 months of dates before the resident reaches the square holding the ‘ redeem this for 2 doses of vaccine at any Shoppers Drug Mart ’ coupon .
Although the non-vaccine entries will not be as important as the vaccine one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ best to make them fun as well .
Behind the doors Canadians can expect to find numerous items like toys , a Wilfred Laurier bobblehead , clippers to give yourself a home haircut , a DVD of Paul Gross ’ WWI film Passchendaele , maple syrup scented hand sanitizer , a signed photograph of Paul Martin and ‘ A Brief Guide to Falling Down the Stairs at Parties For Laughs ’ written by Trudeau himself .
Oh and a Kinder Egg , obviously .
“ It ’ s a bit like the 12 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s the 286 days of COVID , ” said Minister of Health Patty Hajdu The government is also planning on releasing a special holiday song for the growing anti-vaxxer community called ‘ ( you should stay ) Silent Night ’ .

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that Canada will soon receive its first batch of COVID vaccinations, which will be distributed to Canadians using Health Canada’s new vaccine advent calendar.
“With millions of Canadians wanting to resume normal life and only so many vaccines to go around, it is vital that we come up with a system that is fair, protects the vulnerable and, most importantly, is whimsical,” said Trudeau at a press conference. “So what better way to celebrate the season than an advent calendar counting down the days until you can see your parents without worrying about killing them!”
“Makes you feel like a non-infectious kid again,” he added.
Each Canadian should expect to receive the calendar in the mail shortly. The calendars will be quite large, as they need to accommodate up to 10 months of dates before the resident reaches the square holding the ‘redeem this for 2 doses of vaccine at any Shoppers Drug Mart’ coupon.
Although the non-vaccine entries will not be as important as the vaccine one, the Canadian government has done their best to make them fun as well. Behind the doors Canadians can expect to find numerous items like toys, a Wilfred Laurier bobblehead, clippers to give yourself a home haircut, a DVD of Paul Gross’ WWI film Passchendaele, maple syrup scented hand sanitizer, a signed photograph of Paul Martin and ‘A Brief Guide to Falling Down the Stairs at Parties For Laughs’ written by Trudeau himself. Oh and a Kinder Egg, obviously.
“It’s a bit like the 12 days of Christmas, only it’s the 286 days of COVID,” said Minister of Health Patty Hajdu
The government is also planning on releasing a special holiday song for the growing anti-vaxxer community called ‘(you should stay) Silent Night’.


thebeaverton--2020-12-07--Wall Street to trade water, also mentions human body 60% water for no particular reason

NEW YORK – Representatives for the NYSE have announced that water futures will enter commodities trading on the stock market , before cryptically adding that human bodies are composed of more than half water .
A spokesperson for foreign exchange company the CME Group Inc explained , “ these futures will help water users manage risk and better align supply and demand , but also isn ’ t it a crazy coincidence that human beings are mostly made of water ?
” “ Just throwing that neat water trivia out there , ” the spokesperson added before opening a PowerPoint @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Across the business world hedge funds have expressed plans to invest heavily in water , as well as any ancillary water-related commodities and products .
RBC Capital Markets analyst Deandra Marlin outlined to investors , “ Despite water being a fundamental human necessity , we believe people must pay a fair market price for it , just the same way that we at RBC Capital should be able to buy and sell other things that are mostly comprised of water , and then maybe even sell those hypothetical water-based items to work @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Amazon warehouse or something.
” “ Anyhoodle , just spitballing , super stoked for water trading you guys , ” Marlin concluded , fanning herself to tamp down her own visible excitement .
Markson Sharp , supervising manager of resource development at Nasdaq , also outlined the situation , noting that two billion people will soon live in nations plagued by water problems while also adding that it ’ s “ kinda ironic ” that those same people ’ s bodies are already mostly water .
“ Just to be clear , it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ talking about harvesting the water inside economically vulnerable people ’ s bodies for export– ” Sharp clarified , before rushing to a nearby notepad labelled “ Great Business Ideas ” and scribbling something down .
At press time Prime Minister Trudeau addressed First Nations reserves currently struggling to obtain clean water , and offered to get them in touch with his hedge fund guy .

NEW YORK – Representatives for the NYSE have announced that water futures will enter commodities trading on the stock market, before cryptically adding that human bodies are composed of more than half water.
A spokesperson for foreign exchange company the CME Group Inc explained, “these futures will help water users manage risk and better align supply and demand, but also isn’t it a crazy coincidence that human beings are mostly made of water?”
“Just throwing that neat water trivia out there,” the spokesperson added before opening a PowerPoint tab labelled ‘Human-Sized Feeding Corrals’.
Across the business world hedge funds have expressed plans to invest heavily in water, as well as any ancillary water-related commodities and products. RBC Capital Markets analyst Deandra Marlin outlined to investors, “Despite water being a fundamental human necessity, we believe people must pay a fair market price for it, just the same way that we at RBC Capital should be able to buy and sell other things that are mostly comprised of water, and then maybe even sell those hypothetical water-based items to work for pennies on the dollar in an Amazon warehouse or something.”
“Anyhoodle, just spitballing, super stoked for water trading you guys,” Marlin concluded, fanning herself to tamp down her own visible excitement.
Markson Sharp, supervising manager of resource development at Nasdaq, also outlined the situation, noting that two billion people will soon live in nations plagued by water problems while also adding that it’s “kinda ironic” that those same people’s bodies are already mostly water.
“Just to be clear, it’s not like we’re talking about harvesting the water inside economically vulnerable people’s bodies for export–” Sharp clarified, before rushing to a nearby notepad labelled “Great Business Ideas” and scribbling something down.
At press time Prime Minister Trudeau addressed First Nations reserves currently struggling to obtain clean water, and offered to get them in touch with his hedge fund guy.


thebeaverton--2020-12-07--Mountain Dew celebrates true meaning of Christmas with Dewtivity Scene

CALGARY – Mountain Dew has unveiled a partnership with Safeway that places sponsored Dewtivity Scenes™ in grocery stores across the country .
“ The increasing commercialization of Christmas makes it easy to forget the real reason we ’ re celebrating , ” a Mountain Dew spokesperson said .
“ We just want to use our crisp , refreshing beverages to remind consumers that they can both Do the Dew , and Do the Reflection on Life ’ s Meaning.
” While some theologians and secular commentators questioned the appropriateness of the displays , Mountain Dew assured critics that Dewtivity Scenes™ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ faiths .
“ They ’ re tasteful in more ways than one , ” the spokesperson continued .
“ For example , just as the three wise men brought gifts to celebrate the Son of God ’ s arrival , the three bearded bottles of Mountain Dew Live Wire , Voltage , and White Out in our displays bring the King of Kings—and thirsty shoppers—the gift of extreme flavour.
” The promotion came together when marketing executives noticed that Mary , a revered figure in the faith of over two billion people , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ soft drink that tastes like recently urinated cranberry juice , shared a name .
“ Once we spotted that , it became obvious that a bottle of bold Pitch Black could , with ears and a tail , be transformed into a snowboarding donkey , ” the spokesperson explained .
For the most part , the displays have been well-received .
However , tensions rose in one grocery store , when an unidentified customer drank the bottle of Code Red that represented Christ .

CALGARY – Mountain Dew has unveiled a partnership with Safeway that places sponsored Dewtivity Scenes™ in grocery stores across the country.
“The increasing commercialization of Christmas makes it easy to forget the real reason we’re celebrating,” a Mountain Dew spokesperson said. “We just want to use our crisp, refreshing beverages to remind consumers that they can both Do the Dew, and Do the Reflection on Life’s Meaning.”
While some theologians and secular commentators questioned the appropriateness of the displays, Mountain Dew assured critics that Dewtivity Scenes™ could be enjoyed by people of all faiths.
“They’re tasteful in more ways than one,” the spokesperson continued. “For example, just as the three wise men brought gifts to celebrate the Son of God’s arrival, the three bearded bottles of Mountain Dew Live Wire, Voltage, and White Out in our displays bring the King of Kings—and thirsty shoppers—the gift of extreme flavour.”
The promotion came together when marketing executives noticed that Mary, a revered figure in the faith of over two billion people, and MTN Dew Merry Mash-Up, a soft drink that tastes like recently urinated cranberry juice, shared a name. “Once we spotted that, it became obvious that a bottle of bold Pitch Black could, with ears and a tail, be transformed into a snowboarding donkey,” the spokesperson explained.
For the most part, the displays have been well-received. However, tensions rose in one grocery store, when an unidentified customer drank the bottle of Code Red that represented Christ.


thebeaverton--2020-12-07--Girlfriend’s cat watching you pee again

Girlfriend’s cat watching you pee again

Hamilton , ON – Late Friday night , your girlfriend ’ s cat , Cheddar , watched you relieve yourself again in your girlfriend ’ s en-suite bathroom , and frankly , you ’ ve had enough .
“ It doesn ’ t look away the whole time ” , you said , while hiding from Cheddar in a closet .
“ It ’ s like , do I talk to it ?
Pretend it ’ s not happening ?
Go ‘ pshpshpsh ’ to scare it away ?
And it always gets weirder when it starts licking its genitals @ @ @ @ @ @ @ power move ?
” Your girlfriend Janet , who got Cheddar as a kitten three years ago , said that you ’ re overreacting .
When reached for comment , Janet stated , “ she never does that with me .
And she ’ s not creepy .
She ’ s my little coodle-woodle pie ” .
Despite various examples of Cheddar appearing , as if out of thin air , Janet doesn ’ t believe your claims that Cheddar is threatening you .
“ It was weird at first ” , you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ But she just won ’ t stop .
One time I thought I was in the clear , but she was just hiding behind the shower curtain , peeking at me with those orbs that lead to another dimension.
” Cheddar , the overweight orange tabby with a snaggletooth , has also been known to interrupt love-making sessions by hopping onto the bed , and coughing up a hairball on your bare ass .
“ It ’ s like it ’ s doing it on purpose , ” you explained , continuing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even though it ’ s probably just poking the bear further .
“ The worst part is , it ’ s working .
That cat has seen me in my most vulnerable positions .
It ’ s got the upperhand and could destroy my relationships or career.
” At press time , you were nowhere to be found , but Cheddar was there .
Licking its lips at us .

Hamilton, ON – Late Friday night, your girlfriend’s cat, Cheddar, watched you relieve yourself again in your girlfriend’s en-suite bathroom, and frankly, you’ve had enough.
“It doesn’t look away the whole time”, you said, while hiding from Cheddar in a closet. “It’s like, do I talk to it? Pretend it’s not happening? Go ‘pshpshpsh’ to scare it away? And it always gets weirder when it starts licking its genitals while I wipe. Is that a power move?”
Your girlfriend Janet, who got Cheddar as a kitten three years ago, said that you’re overreacting. When reached for comment, Janet stated, “she never does that with me. And she’s not creepy. She’s my little coodle-woodle pie”. Despite various examples of Cheddar appearing, as if out of thin air, Janet doesn’t believe your claims that Cheddar is threatening you.
“It was weird at first”, you said, checking over your shoulder. “But she just won’t stop. One time I thought I was in the clear, but she was just hiding behind the shower curtain, peeking at me with those orbs that lead to another dimension.”
Cheddar, the overweight orange tabby with a snaggletooth, has also been known to interrupt love-making sessions by hopping onto the bed, and coughing up a hairball on your bare ass.
“It’s like it’s doing it on purpose,” you explained, continuing to call Cheddar “it”, even though it’s probably just poking the bear further. “The worst part is, it’s working. That cat has seen me in my most vulnerable positions. It’s got the upperhand and could destroy my relationships or career.”
At press time, you were nowhere to be found, but Cheddar was there. Licking its lips at us.


thebeaverton--2020-12-08--Canada politely waits in desperate silence to be asked if it would like more COVID vaccines

OTTAWA – As nations around the world line up to acquire vaccines against the COVID19 virus from countries with the manufacturing capacity , Canada is quietly waiting its turn to be offered some more of those vaccines .
“ We ’ re ok , thanks , ” said PM Justin Trudeau .
“ Yes , the situation is worsening but we understand that lots of other countries are also experiencing second waves so we ’ re actually alright .
I mean , we ’ ve got some vaccines coming .
We can stretch those out , I ’ m sure @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the distance .
Reporters noted beads of sweat on the PM ’ s forehead as his white knuckles tightly gripped the podium .
He explained his pale demeanour and frequent swaying on his , “ Probably not sleeping so great lately but that ’ s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
” “ Moderna , Pfizer , Janssen… Any of those vaccines would do , ” said Dr. Theresa Tam , Chief Public Health Officer of Canada .
“ That would be great .
But please , don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m sure they all have their hands full .
We ’ ve got over 5,000 new cases per day but… that ’ s… fine .
We ’ re fine .
Really , I mean it .
Can one of you call my cell ?
I just want to double-check that I get reception in here.
” “ There should be plenty of vaccines to go around even if initial deliveries are low , ” Trudeau stated , his voice cracking .
“ Right , Dr. Tam ?
” “ Oh , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ checking the Press Room door every time it opened to see who was coming in .
After the conference , Trudeau and Tam were seen each holding a door open for the other insisting the other go first .

OTTAWA – As nations around the world line up to acquire vaccines against the COVID19 virus from countries with the manufacturing capacity, Canada is quietly waiting its turn to be offered some more of those vaccines.
“We’re ok, thanks,” said PM Justin Trudeau. “Yes, the situation is worsening but we understand that lots of other countries are also experiencing second waves so we’re actually alright. I mean, we’ve got some vaccines coming. We can stretch those out, I’m sure,” he said staring off into the distance.
Reporters noted beads of sweat on the PM’s forehead as his white knuckles tightly gripped the podium. He explained his pale demeanour and frequent swaying on his, “Probably not sleeping so great lately but that’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.”
“Moderna, Pfizer, Janssen… Any of those vaccines would do,” said Dr. Theresa Tam, Chief Public Health Officer of Canada. “That would be great. But please, don’t trouble yourselves on our account. I’m sure they all have their hands full. We’ve got over 5,000 new cases per day but… that’s… fine. We’re fine. Really, I mean it. Can one of you call my cell? I just want to double-check that I get reception in here.”
“There should be plenty of vaccines to go around even if initial deliveries are low,” Trudeau stated, his voice cracking. “Right, Dr. Tam?”
“Oh, of course,” she replied, checking the Press Room door every time it opened to see who was coming in.
After the conference, Trudeau and Tam were seen each holding a door open for the other insisting the other go first.


thebeaverton--2020-12-08--John Tory tweets “Stay home. Unless you’re being evicted, then get the fuck out.”

TORONTO – Toronto ’ s mayor John Tory has requested that residents stay home unless landlords aren ’ t making money off of them in which case they need to leave their homes .
“ Stay home , ” tweeted Tory .
“ Unless you can ’ t pay rent because you can not work due to COVID and my government won ’ t give you money then get the fuck out of your home.
” Tory has also asked for people ’ s best effort to be safe when they need to leave their homes .
“ Only leave @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like a walk in the park , ” said Tory .
“ But don ’ t try to live in the park just because we ’ ve evicted you from your home .
Cuz you better fucking believe we ’ ll evict you from there too.
” Rich landlords all over the city have praised Tory ’ s courageous efforts to put the lives of citizens behind their ability to pay them money they don ’ t necessarily need .
“ Honestly we were worried people might value lives over property , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Thank god the city has realized that Toronto is about condos , the housing market , and landowners .
People can be replaced , but you can ’ t replace a siiiiick basement apartment at dupont and christie I just renovated.
” Landlords have been happily surprised by the amount of support they ’ ve received from random people in Toronto who also for some reason believe the economy and rent come before endangering anyone ’ s lives despite how much it harms them .
“ Dude , landlords need to get paid @ @ @ @ @ @ @ voter Darrel Jerry .
“ Times are tough for people but again people who own 17 properties through a holdings firm that was bailed out by the government are just like the rest of us .
If I don ’ t pay my rent , that ’ s $ 1,000 of their monthly $ 3,957,756 revenue they don ’ t make.
” Darrel also stated while he thinks it ’ s absolutely fair the government protects landlords and evict people , he is angry at their authoritarian laws forcing him to wear a @ @ @ @

TORONTO – Toronto’s mayor John Tory has requested that residents stay home unless landlords aren’t making money off of them in which case they need to leave their homes.
“Stay home,” tweeted Tory. “Unless you can’t pay rent because you cannot work due to COVID and my government won’t give you money then get the fuck out of your home.”
Tory has also asked for people’s best effort to be safe when they need to leave their homes. “Only leave your house for necessities or solitary activities like a walk in the park,” said Tory. “But don’t try to live in the park just because we’ve evicted you from your home. Cuz you better fucking believe we’ll evict you from there too.”
Rich landlords all over the city have praised Tory’s courageous efforts to put the lives of citizens behind their ability to pay them money they don’t necessarily need.
“Honestly we were worried people might value lives over property,” said local landlord Chili Kingston. “Thank god the city has realized that Toronto is about condos, the housing market, and landowners. People can be replaced, but you can’t replace a siiiiick basement apartment at dupont and christie I just renovated.”
Landlords have been happily surprised by the amount of support they’ve received from random people in Toronto who also for some reason believe the economy and rent come before endangering anyone’s lives despite how much it harms them.
“Dude, landlords need to get paid too,” said recently evicted conservative voter Darrel Jerry. “Times are tough for people but again people who own 17 properties through a holdings firm that was bailed out by the government are just like the rest of us. If I don’t pay my rent, that’s $1,000 of their monthly $3,957,756 revenue they don’t make.”
Darrel also stated while he thinks it’s absolutely fair the government protects landlords and evict people, he is angry at their authoritarian laws forcing him to wear a mask inside 7/11.


thebeaverton--2020-12-08--Local woman watches porn just to see people interacting without masks on

KITCHENER- With more Canadians staying at home and avoiding the public , it makes sense that online activities would also be on the rise .
But a new report suggests that while porn consumption is up , it ’ s not for the reasons that most people think .
Local woman Melanie Cray is open about her experience .
“ At the beginning of quarantine , I binged TV shows to escape .
But now that COVID-19 has leached into the storylines of Grey ’ s , Law and Order and various Housewives , regular TV doesn ’ t really @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what I mean .
I need something more.
” When asked for more information , Melanie explained , “ I need to see people physically interacting in a world where COVID doesn ’ t exist.
” Social worker Sandra Butler agrees .
“ It ’ s so exciting to see people interacting without worrying about being distanced or wearing a mask .
And not wearing a mask is just the beginning , if you get my drift .
It gets really intense.
” After an awkward pause , Sandra continued .
“ They @ @ @ @ @ @ @ some of the videos , more than ten people are together in a room.
” Tessa Hathaway , a mother of three , has a group chat with her other female friends about which videos are the most tantalizing .
“ We ’ re really into this genre where… oh I don ’ t know if I can say it !
” she tells a reporter .
“ Ok , well , the guy puts something into the girl ’ s mouth .
And you won ’ t believe what it is !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ pressed , Tessa clarified that it was the man ’ s finger , which hadn ’ t been washed or sanitized on camera .
“ The money shot !
” , she says with a blissful look on her face .
It ’ s unclear as to whether this trend will follow into the future , though health experts have suggested that watching porn is much safer than doing it in real life .
And by “ it ” , they of course mean getting rawdogged by two enormous guys at once .

KITCHENER- With more Canadians staying at home and avoiding the public, it makes sense that online activities would also be on the rise. But a new report suggests that while porn consumption is up, it’s not for the reasons that most people think.
Local woman Melanie Cray is open about her experience. “At the beginning of quarantine, I binged TV shows to escape. But now that COVID-19 has leached into the storylines of Grey’s, Law and Order and various Housewives, regular TV doesn’t really scratch my itch, if you know what I mean. I need something more.”
When asked for more information, Melanie explained, “I need to see people physically interacting in a world where COVID doesn’t exist.”
Social worker Sandra Butler agrees. “It’s so exciting to see people interacting without worrying about being distanced or wearing a mask. And not wearing a mask is just the beginning, if you get my drift. It gets really intense.” After an awkward pause, Sandra continued. “They also speak really closely, and in some of the videos, more than ten people are together in a room.”
Tessa Hathaway, a mother of three, has a group chat with her other female friends about which videos are the most tantalizing. “We’re really into this genre where… oh I don’t know if I can say it!” she tells a reporter. “Ok, well, the guy puts something into the girl’s mouth. And you won’t believe what it is! It’s wild!”
When pressed, Tessa clarified that it was the man’s finger, which hadn’t been washed or sanitized on camera. “The money shot!”, she says with a blissful look on her face.
It’s unclear as to whether this trend will follow into the future, though health experts have suggested that watching porn is much safer than doing it in real life. And by “it”, they of course mean getting rawdogged by two enormous guys at once.


thebeaverton--2020-12-08--Ford vows to return wetlands into its natural suburban habitat

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has taken several steps to fight the province ’ s wetlands and watersheds so one day these unprofitable lands return to its natural suburban habitat .
“ Somebody paved over this low density residential neighbourhood with marshes and basins , ” said Premier Ford .
“ Big Nature ruined everything without any consideration for the taxpayers who used to live here.
” Lamenting that SUVs and mammoth-sized pickup trucks once roamed freely during ancient times , Ford said he would do whatever it takes to ensure a return of healthy , overpriced houses that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ species , like real estate developers , will be given the space and protection from encroaching frogs , water lilies , and local conservation authorities , ” explained Ford .
The moan of the majestic lawn mowers may have been silenced by the menacing songs of birds , but the Ontario PC government is confident they can restore the winding asphalt roads and real-estate office within a year .
“ It ’ s stupid , you can ’ t even fish here , ” complained Environment Minister Rod Phillips while seeing how far @ @ @ @ @ @

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has taken several steps to fight the province’s wetlands and watersheds so one day these unprofitable lands return to its natural suburban habitat.
“Somebody paved over this low density residential neighbourhood with marshes and basins,” said Premier Ford. “Big Nature ruined everything without any consideration for the taxpayers who used to live here.”
Lamenting that SUVs and mammoth-sized pickup trucks once roamed freely during ancient times, Ford said he would do whatever it takes to ensure a return of healthy, overpriced houses that look exactly the same.
“Threatened species, like real estate developers, will be given the space and protection from encroaching frogs, water lilies, and local conservation authorities,” explained Ford.
The moan of the majestic lawn mowers may have been silenced by the menacing songs of birds, but the Ontario PC government is confident they can restore the winding asphalt roads and real-estate office within a year.
“It’s stupid, you can’t even fish here,” complained Environment Minister Rod Phillips while seeing how far he could kick a turtle.


thebeaverton--2020-12-09--Ford assures Ontarians $12 bil in unused COVID funds will be disbursed to real estate developers as

Ford assures Ontarians $12 bil in unused COVID funds will be disbursed to real estate developers as soon as possible

QUEEN ’ S PARK – Following a report from the province ’ s financial watchdog stating $ 12 billion in COVID-19 contingency funding is being hoarded , Premier Ford assured Ontarians those funds will soon be handed out to the real estate developers who helped fund his 2018 campaign .
“ We ’ ve heard the outcry from Ontarians that we have not spent these funds , which were clearly earmarked for COVID relief , ” explained Premier Doug Ford to reporters .
“ That is why I am making it my vow that by New Years , every dollar @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rightful target – the powerful and shadowy network of Ontario real estate developers and construction firms who have donated to me in the past.
” Amid the second wave of coronavirus , currently causing case numbers and deaths to spike , Ford promised to take action for Ontario ’ s multi-million dollar property management firms .
“ By handsomely paying out political favours to the construction industry that backs me , ” Ford explained , “ more homes can now be built for people to stay in while we continue to do as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Plus , every one of these new homes offers another opportunity to evict Ontarians during the pandemic .
Merry Christmas !
” Ford added before refusing to take questions .
Across the province , Ontarians reacted to news of the $ 12 billion surplus going directly to the construction industry .
“ I had hoped that some of that money would be allocated to help small business owners , ” explained bar owner Jared Keensman of Burlington .
“ But I did vote for the PCs in 2018 , so I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ something to piss off those downtown Toronto elites .
Go Ford !
” Shareen Duprie of Whitby explained , “ I ’ m all in favour of building more downtown condos to sit empty .
It ’ s a global pandemic – won ’ t somebody please think of the global money launderers who need somewhere to park their ill-gotten millions ?
” As the Ontario legislature adjourns for a 2-month winter break , Premier Ford promised that “ COVID-19 will not stop me from immediately reconvening a special session the moment a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Green Belt ” .
In the meantime , Ford spoke directly to all Ontarians worried about their elderly loved ones facing COVID outbreaks in long term care facilities .
“ Instead , try to focus on how soon you ’ ll have an inheritance to invest in lucrative newly-constructed investment properties .
”

QUEEN’S PARK – Following a report from the province’s financial watchdog stating $12 billion in COVID-19 contingency funding is being hoarded, Premier Ford assured Ontarians those funds will soon be handed out to the real estate developers who helped fund his 2018 campaign.
“We’ve heard the outcry from Ontarians that we have not spent these funds, which were clearly earmarked for COVID relief,” explained Premier Doug Ford to reporters. “That is why I am making it my vow that by New Years, every dollar of this money will go to its rightful target – the powerful and shadowy network of Ontario real estate developers and construction firms who have donated to me in the past.”
Amid the second wave of coronavirus, currently causing case numbers and deaths to spike, Ford promised to take action for Ontario’s multi-million dollar property management firms. “By handsomely paying out political favours to the construction industry that backs me,” Ford explained, “more homes can now be built for people to stay in while we continue to do as little as possible about the actual pandemic.”
“Plus, every one of these new homes offers another opportunity to evict Ontarians during the pandemic. Merry Christmas!” Ford added before refusing to take questions.
Across the province, Ontarians reacted to news of the $12 billion surplus going directly to the construction industry. “I had hoped that some of that money would be allocated to help small business owners,” explained bar owner Jared Keensman of Burlington. “But I did vote for the PCs in 2018, so I assume these real estate favours are doing something to piss off those downtown Toronto elites. Go Ford!”
Shareen Duprie of Whitby explained, “I’m all in favour of building more downtown condos to sit empty. It’s a global pandemic – won’t somebody please think of the global money launderers who need somewhere to park their ill-gotten millions?”
As the Ontario legislature adjourns for a 2-month winter break, Premier Ford promised that “COVID-19 will not stop me from immediately reconvening a special session the moment a property developer needs access to build on the Green Belt”.
In the meantime, Ford spoke directly to all Ontarians worried about their elderly loved ones facing COVID outbreaks in long term care facilities.
“Instead, try to focus on how soon you’ll have an inheritance to invest in lucrative newly-constructed investment properties.”


thebeaverton--2020-12-09--Desperate Trump announces only people with evidence of voter fraud will be vaccinated

WASHINGTON , D.C. ― In a series of tweets , Donald Trump announced today that any American who wanted to receive a COVID-19 vaccine would have to first provide proof of voter fraud .
“ Thanks to Yours Truly , we have MANY beautiful vaccines for the China Virus , which will come out BEFORE the Electoral College casts its votes ( for me ) .
But I need you to do something for me though , ” read the first tweet , at 3 AM .
“ THIS IS NOT A QUID PRO QUO !
!
!
!
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Twitter user expressed excitement , writing that they were usually an anti-vaxxer , but “ President Trump says this miracle cure [ sic ] is safe , and his supporters should get it before anyone else.
” In a press conference this afternoon , Trump confirmed his tweets warning that vaccinating everyone without demanding the biggest , best bags of thrown-out Trump ballots as payment would be “ socialism ” and that people with evidence of fraud in swing states would be first in line , followed by Supreme Court Justices , Republican @ @ @ @ @ @ @ He then warned that “ Crazy Nancy [ Pelosi ] wants to use Barack-Hussein-Obamacare to give all the vaccines to anarchist Philadelphia where bad things , very ― just tremendously bad things , they happen there ― and they ’ ll give real Americans a fake vaccine , ” before abruptly ending the press conference .
At press time , a North Carolina man who had found and turned in 80 000 uncounted votes for Joe Biden was rewarded with a vaccine that smelled suspiciously like bleach .

WASHINGTON, D.C. ― In a series of tweets, Donald Trump announced today that any American who wanted to receive a COVID-19 vaccine would have to first provide proof of voter fraud.
“Thanks to Yours Truly, we have MANY beautiful vaccines for the China Virus, which will come out BEFORE the Electoral College casts its votes (for me). But I need you to do something for me though,” read the first tweet, at 3 AM.
“THIS IS NOT A QUID PRO QUO!!!!” Trump tweeted an hour later.
One Twitter user expressed excitement, writing that they were usually an anti-vaxxer, but “President Trump says this miracle cure [sic] is safe, and his supporters should get it before anyone else.”
In a press conference this afternoon, Trump confirmed his tweets warning that vaccinating everyone without demanding the biggest, best bags of thrown-out Trump ballots as payment would be “socialism” and that people with evidence of fraud in swing states would be first in line, followed by Supreme Court Justices, Republican state legislators, and Rudy Giuliani.
He then warned that “Crazy Nancy [Pelosi] wants to use Barack-Hussein-Obamacare to give all the vaccines to anarchist Philadelphia where bad things, very ― just tremendously bad things, they happen there ― and they’ll give real Americans a fake vaccine,” before abruptly ending the press conference.
At press time, a North Carolina man who had found and turned in 80 000 uncounted votes for Joe Biden was rewarded with a vaccine that smelled suspiciously like bleach.