thebeaverton--2020-05-15--Scheer furious that 200,000 Canadians making more off financial fraud than he is

OTTAWA – Andrew Scheer blasted Justin Trudeau this week for reportedly ignoring the 200,000 suspected cases of fraud amongst CERB applicants , who are now making way more per week than he is from his ‘ expense everything to the Conservative Party ’ scam .
“ Will the Prime Minister admit that he ordered the civil service to approve applicants even when they had flagged them for fraud , ” said Scheer during Question Period .
“ And that these fraudsters didn ’ t even have to go to the trouble of sending a receipt from their kid ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re getting cold hard cash for nothing and I ’ m over here faking grocery bills like a sucker !
” He added .
Andrew ‘ 8 Ball ’ Scheer has been running scams since he was a scrappy kid on the streets of Ottawa offering to shovel people ’ s driveways for 10 dollars , and then paying his friends 5 bucks to do it .
He thought his expense racket was his best hustle since he perfected the art of selling fake rolexes to other MPs .
But that was before @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Back in Ottawa , Scheer demanded that the 200,000 suspected fraudsters should have to do the same work that he did .
“ Let ’ s see them go into politics , get elected party leader , painstakingly skim money off the party coffers , and THEN frantically make absurd statements even though you announced you would step down.
” Scheer concluded , “ That ’ s the real way to grift a few bucks !
” “ I just think it ’ s outrageous that people would take advantage of the pandemic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that my friend , the crown prince of Nigeria , has been cut off by his father .
But if you issue him a temporary loan he promises to pay you back ten fold when he assumes the throne !
” Scheer concluded his Question Period statement by demanding to know if Justin Trudeau wanted to be a rep for his multi-level marketing company .

OTTAWA – Andrew Scheer blasted Justin Trudeau this week for reportedly ignoring the 200,000 suspected cases of fraud amongst CERB applicants, who are now making way more per week than he is from his ‘expense everything to the Conservative Party’ scam.
“Will the Prime Minister admit that he ordered the civil service to approve applicants even when they had flagged them for fraud,” said Scheer during Question Period. “And that these fraudsters didn’t even have to go to the trouble of sending a receipt from their kid’s private school?”
“They’re getting cold hard cash for nothing and I’m over here faking grocery bills like a sucker!” He added.
Andrew ‘8 Ball’ Scheer has been running scams since he was a scrappy kid on the streets of Ottawa offering to shovel people’s driveways for 10 dollars, and then paying his friends 5 bucks to do it. He thought his expense racket was his best hustle since he perfected the art of selling fake rolexes to other MPs. But that was before the government started issuing CERB cheques.
Back in Ottawa, Scheer demanded that the 200,000 suspected fraudsters should have to do the same work that he did. “Let’s see them go into politics, get elected party leader, painstakingly skim money off the party coffers, and THEN frantically make absurd statements even though you announced you would step down.” Scheer concluded, “That’s the real way to grift a few bucks!”
“I just think it’s outrageous that people would take advantage of the pandemic. Almost as outrageous as the fact that my friend, the crown prince of Nigeria, has been cut off by his father. But if you issue him a temporary loan he promises to pay you back ten fold when he assumes the throne!”
Scheer concluded his Question Period statement by demanding to know if Justin Trudeau wanted to be a rep for his multi-level marketing company.


thebeaverton--2020-05-15--Canadian geese offer ass-to-door delivery of hot load of sidewalk shit

VAUGHAN , ON – A new startup helmed by Canadian geese is promising to deliver direct ass-to-door sidewalk goose shit to customers via their app , Instacrap .
“ Nothing signals the beginning of summer quite like stepping into a steaming hot pile of geese shit on the sidewalk , ” squawked a spokesgoose for the company .
“ So we ’ ve adapted !
Now we can cater our excrement for humans stuck at home who are craving a foot-full of routine and normalcy right about now.
” Initially the avian feces company partnered with outside delivery services like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ However , the increased demand for literal bird shit soon proved to be too much for a single third-party enterprise .
“ We decided to launch our own proprietary stool courier app in order to effortlessly connect Canadians to their local Canadian geese ’ s assholes , ” honked the founder and CEO goose .
“ You can ’ t get more homegrown or artisanal than that !
Plus with every purchase you help put grass into the beaks of our goslings.
” Madeline Radonsen , an Instacrap customer living downtown , remarked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ service had mixed results .
“ On the one hand , I was really happy with my package of hot , hot fecal matter .
Living in the city doesn ’ t afford me as much access to Canadian geese shit as I ’ m used to , haha .
But I did have some problems with the delivery goose… namely the fact that they would aggressively attack me anytime I got close enough to pick up my box.
” Reports indicate that a flock of seagulls are in the works to cash @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with their own service that would allow customers to request being flyby shit on .

VAUGHAN, ON – A new startup helmed by Canadian geese is promising to deliver direct ass-to-door sidewalk goose shit to customers via their app, Instacrap.
“Nothing signals the beginning of summer quite like stepping into a steaming hot pile of geese shit on the sidewalk,” squawked a spokesgoose for the company. “So we’ve adapted! Now we can cater our excrement for humans stuck at home who are craving a foot-full of routine and normalcy right about now.”
Initially the avian feces company partnered with outside delivery services like UberEats, DoorDash, and SkipTheDishes. However, the increased demand for literal bird shit soon proved to be too much for a single third-party enterprise.
“We decided to launch our own proprietary stool courier app in order to effortlessly connect Canadians to their local Canadian geese’s assholes,” honked the founder and CEO goose. “You can’t get more homegrown or artisanal than that! Plus with every purchase you help put grass into the beaks of our goslings.”
Madeline Radonsen, an Instacrap customer living downtown, remarked that her experience with the bird shit service had mixed results. “On the one hand, I was really happy with my package of hot, hot fecal matter. Living in the city doesn’t afford me as much access to Canadian geese shit as I’m used to, haha. But I did have some problems with the delivery goose… namely the fact that they would aggressively attack me anytime I got close enough to pick up my box.”
Reports indicate that a flock of seagulls are in the works to cash in on the geese’s success with their own service that would allow customers to request being flyby shit on.


thebeaverton--2020-05-15--Despite food shortages, grocery stores report massive surplus of gluten free products

TORONTO – While the COVID-19 quarantine has resulted in some grocery stores dealing with food shortages , availability of gluten-free products remains at an all-time high .
“ People are desperate for bread , ” said store manager Frank Daggert .
“ Even flour and yeast are high demand items .
But when people realize their only option is gluten-free bread , they decide to just have fruit for breakfast.
” This has led to some difficult customer-service moments , such as the time Daggert met a dad who was desperate to restore a little normalcy for his son by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ told him the good news that we had a literal mountain of gluten-free buns , and he just started crying.
” Daggert was convinced that when every item from the baking section sold out , people would finally choke down gluten-free products .
“ I couldn ’ t have been more wrong , even people with gluten allergies are passing , ” said Daggert .
“ We sold one gluten-free loaf last week , but apparently the customer bought it by mistake .
He even came back and stood in line for two @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Amy Rogers has become desperate to find space for the build-up of gluten-free products , designating an aisle way at the back of the store to pile the options knee-deep .
“ Sometimes I have nightmares that when we go home at night , a supernatural force actually adds more gluten-free products to our shelves , ” said Rogers .
“ I ’ m working on a screenplay about it , actually , a dystopian future where there ’ s nothing to eat but gluten-free products and everyone is starving to death.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ addressing shortages by limiting purchases of popular items per customer .
“ But I want to be clear that does not apply to the gluten-free section , ” added Daggert .
“ In fact , we have a promotion right now where we give you three dollars for every slice of gluten-free bread you take off our hands .
You don ’ t even have to eat it , just get it out of the store .
”

TORONTO – While the COVID-19 quarantine has resulted in some grocery stores dealing with food shortages, availability of gluten-free products remains at an all-time high.
“People are desperate for bread,” said store manager Frank Daggert. “Even flour and yeast are high demand items. But when people realize their only option is gluten-free bread, they decide to just have fruit for breakfast.”
This has led to some difficult customer-service moments, such as the time Daggert met a dad who was desperate to restore a little normalcy for his son by barbecuing a hot dog. “I told him the good news that we had a literal mountain of gluten-free buns, and he just started crying.”
Daggert was convinced that when every item from the baking section sold out, people would finally choke down gluten-free products. “I couldn’t have been more wrong, even people with gluten allergies are passing,” said Daggert. “We sold one gluten-free loaf last week, but apparently the customer bought it by mistake. He even came back and stood in line for two hours just to return it.”
Stocker Amy Rogers has become desperate to find space for the build-up of gluten-free products, designating an aisle way at the back of the store to pile the options knee-deep.
“Sometimes I have nightmares that when we go home at night, a supernatural force actually adds more gluten-free products to our shelves,” said Rogers. “I’m working on a screenplay about it, actually, a dystopian future where there’s nothing to eat but gluten-free products and everyone is starving to death.”
In the meantime, grocery stores are addressing shortages by limiting purchases of popular items per customer.
“But I want to be clear that does not apply to the gluten-free section,” added Daggert. “In fact, we have a promotion right now where we give you three dollars for every slice of gluten-free bread you take off our hands. You don’t even have to eat it, just get it out of the store.”


thebeaverton--2020-05-16--Burglar who hid under bed to avoid getting caught has been waiting two months for woman to leave apa

Burglar who hid under bed to avoid getting caught has been waiting two months for woman to leave apartment

VANCOUVER – When cat burglar Blanche Hudson dove under the bed of intended victim Jane Davis after Davis unexpectedly returned home during an attempted robbery , Hudson had no idea that she was going to be spending eight weeks and counting under there .
“ I was just about to make off with her jewellery when I heard the front door open so I thought , okay , I ’ ll hide under the bed and sneak out the next time she leaves , ” Hudson whispered from her new home under Davis ’ s double bed .
“ That @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the one hand , it ’ s nice that she ’ s taking the message ‘ stay home , ’ so seriously , I have elderly relatives and I really appreciate that she ’ s trying to keep them and everyone else safe during this pandemic .
On the other hand , all of her jewellery turned out to be fake and I am slowly but surely going mad.
” Davis , who lives in a 400 sq.ft .
studio apartment , is unaware that she ’ s had an unwelcome roommate for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s stealth skills and Davis ’ s longtime habit of attributing any unusual occurrence to paranormal activity .
Hudson has been happy to feed into Davis ’ s supernatural beliefs in order to avoid being discovered and arrested for burglary as well as the myriad other laws she ’ s broken by secretly hiding underneath someone else ’ s bed for two months .
“ Whenever I fart , I cover it with a spooky ‘ oooooh ’ sound .
It ’ s worked so far , but I know my luck @ @ @ @ @ @ @ If she starts to wonder why the glass of water she brings to bed every night is drained before morning or if her Zoom pals ever notice the shadowy figure crawling around in the background of their calls , sneaking food off of her plates and flinging buckets of human waste out her window , I ’ m sunk , ” Hudson said .
“ If only she ’ d take a shower , I ’ d finally have enough time to escape.
” At press time , Davis was startled by a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bed after telling her boss that she ’ d be happy to continue to telecommute for the foreseeable future .

VANCOUVER – When cat burglar Blanche Hudson dove under the bed of intended victim Jane Davis after Davis unexpectedly returned home during an attempted robbery, Hudson had no idea that she was going to be spending eight weeks and counting under there.
“I was just about to make off with her jewellery when I heard the front door open so I thought, okay, I’ll hide under the bed and sneak out the next time she leaves,” Hudson whispered from her new home under Davis’s double bed. “That was sixty-four days ago.”
“On the one hand, it’s nice that she’s taking the message ‘stay home,’ so seriously, I have elderly relatives and I really appreciate that she’s trying to keep them and everyone else safe during this pandemic. On the other hand, all of her jewellery turned out to be fake and I am slowly but surely going mad.”
Davis, who lives in a 400 sq.ft. studio apartment, is unaware that she’s had an unwelcome roommate for the last two months due to Hudson’s stealth skills and Davis’s longtime habit of attributing any unusual occurrence to paranormal activity. Hudson has been happy to feed into Davis’s supernatural beliefs in order to avoid being discovered and arrested for burglary as well as the myriad other laws she’s broken by secretly hiding underneath someone else’s bed for two months.
“Whenever I fart, I cover it with a spooky ‘oooooh’ sound. It’s worked so far, but I know my luck can only hold out so long. If she starts to wonder why the glass of water she brings to bed every night is drained before morning or if her Zoom pals ever notice the shadowy figure crawling around in the background of their calls, sneaking food off of her plates and flinging buckets of human waste out her window, I’m sunk,” Hudson said.
“If only she’d take a shower, I’d finally have enough time to escape.”
At press time, Davis was startled by a cry of anguish coming from underneath her bed after telling her boss that she’d be happy to continue to telecommute for the foreseeable future.


thebeaverton--2020-05-16--Total loser misses friends and loved ones

KITCHENER — Social distancing protocols have separated Canadians for over two months , and while many are rising to the challenge of slowing the pandemic , total loser Ruth Kim recently admitted she misses her friends and loved ones .
“ It ’ s not easy to admit that I ’ m having a tough time , but I broke down crying last night , ” posted Kim to social media where everyone could see , even Mark from first year Biology , “ I super miss my friends and family ; it ’ s so hard to be separated @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re all doing our best , and it ’ s OK to feel sad ” .
“ I can ’ t believe she just said that like it ’ s normal , ” said Jacquelyn Harper , who knows Kim through their pre-med college program but like , actually gets invited to parties “ We ’ re not all dorks like you , Ruth !
” Psychologists agree that it ’ s healthy to acknowledge the current situation is upsetting and grieve over the loss of traditional social life , so long as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dumb baby about it .
“ What we ’ re going through as a society is unprecedented , and this sudden extended separation from our communities is traumatic ” said Dr. Marjorie Ward , a local psychotherapist , “ At the same time , you don ’ t just go blabbing your feelings all over the place .
Do you ever want a boy to like you ?
” Kim has continued to blow her chances of ever going to $ 3 Margarita Night with Teegan , Zoe and Braelynn by sending heartfelt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ FaceTiming with her parents to tell them she loves them .
“ I called my sister and we just cried together , ” she said in another embarrassing post , probably by accident because there ’ s no way anyone would post that on purpose , “ I ’ m so grateful for all of you and I ’ m here for anyone who needs to share their hurt ” .
Harper ’ s best friend Christine Martinez agrees the posts are “ so cringe ” : “ Like , who even cares @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , siblings and friends who were always there when you needed them and you ’ re only now realizing how much that love means to you ?
” “ I bet she even taped a picture of her best friend onto a stuffed animal and hugs it all the time .
That ’ s what a loser would do , not what I would do ” .

KITCHENER — Social distancing protocols have separated Canadians for over two months, and while many are rising to the challenge of slowing the pandemic, total loser Ruth Kim recently admitted she misses her friends and loved ones.
“It’s not easy to admit that I’m having a tough time, but I broke down crying last night,” posted Kim to social media where everyone could see, even Mark from first year Biology, “I super miss my friends and family; it’s so hard to be separated from them. Remember, we’re all doing our best, and it’s OK to feel sad”.
“I can’t believe she just said that like it’s normal,” said Jacquelyn Harper, who knows Kim through their pre-med college program but like, actually gets invited to parties “We’re not all dorks like you, Ruth!”
Psychologists agree that it’s healthy to acknowledge the current situation is upsetting and grieve over the loss of traditional social life, so long as you’re not a big, dumb baby about it.
“What we’re going through as a society is unprecedented, and this sudden extended separation from our communities is traumatic” said Dr. Marjorie Ward, a local psychotherapist, “At the same time, you don’t just go blabbing your feelings all over the place. Do you ever want a boy to like you?”
Kim has continued to blow her chances of ever going to $3 Margarita Night with Teegan, Zoe and Braelynn by sending heartfelt messages to old friends, and even FaceTiming with her parents to tell them she loves them. “I called my sister and we just cried together,” she said in another embarrassing post, probably by accident because there’s no way anyone would post that on purpose, “I’m so grateful for all of you and I’m here for anyone who needs to share their hurt”.
Harper’s best friend Christine Martinez agrees the posts are “so cringe”: “Like, who even cares about the comfort and support of parents, siblings and friends who were always there when you needed them and you’re only now realizing how much that love means to you?”
“I bet she even taped a picture of her best friend onto a stuffed animal and hugs it all the time. That’s what a loser would do, not what I would do”.


thebeaverton--2020-05-18--Canadians celebrate isolated Victoria Day by exchanging love letters with their cousins

CALGARY – In lieu of family barbeques or trips to the lake , Canadians are observing this year ’ s Victoria Day by sending romantic missives to their cousins in honour of Queen Victoria ’ s legendary romance with her first cousin Albert .
“ Normally my family would spend the long weekend together at the family cottage , but since we can ’ t do that while distancing , I think it ’ s quite fun this year to celebrate some of the less publicized aspects of Victorian familial togetherness , namely the cousin love , ” said John @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a large extended family .
“ So I ’ ve written several tender letters to my most alluring cousins.
” “ I think my cousin Charlotte in particular will be very happy to know I think she has the most pleasing and delightful exterior.
” Canada is the only country with an official holiday dedicated to the celebration of Queen Victoria , the British monarch who reigned for sixty-four years and shared a set of grandparents with the father of her nine children .
Since the family gatherings that constitute typical Victoria Day @ @ @ @ @ @ @ many of Canada ’ s cousins are instead keeping in touch by sending each other amorous letters , racy texts , and NSFW DMs .
“ Maybe a silver lining of the current pandemic will be a return to a more refined and romantic age , when men and women didn ’ t use Tinder to find companionship , they used their family tree , ” said Porter .
“ I think most Canadians agree that if romancing her cousin was good enough for a queen , it ’ s good enough for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ psychological community is torn on the issue , with many insisting that cousin-wooing , even between consenting adults , will strain familial relationships , while others contend that it ’ s not so bad as long as the cousins in question are absolute smokeshows .

CALGARY – In lieu of family barbeques or trips to the lake, Canadians are observing this year’s Victoria Day by sending romantic missives to their cousins in honour of Queen Victoria’s legendary romance with her first cousin Albert.
“Normally my family would spend the long weekend together at the family cottage, but since we can’t do that while distancing, I think it’s quite fun this year to celebrate some of the less publicized aspects of Victorian familial togetherness, namely the cousin love,” said John Porter, a local restaurant manager with a large extended family. “So I’ve written several tender letters to my most alluring cousins.”
“I think my cousin Charlotte in particular will be very happy to know I think she has the most pleasing and delightful exterior.”
Canada is the only country with an official holiday dedicated to the celebration of Queen Victoria, the British monarch who reigned for sixty-four years and shared a set of grandparents with the father of her nine children. Since the family gatherings that constitute typical Victoria Day activities are not recommended this year, many of Canada’s cousins are instead keeping in touch by sending each other amorous letters, racy texts, and NSFW DMs.
“Maybe a silver lining of the current pandemic will be a return to a more refined and romantic age, when men and women didn’t use Tinder to find companionship, they used their family tree,” said Porter.
“I think most Canadians agree that if romancing her cousin was good enough for a queen, it’s good enough for the rest of us too.”
The psychological community is torn on the issue, with many insisting that cousin-wooing, even between consenting adults, will strain familial relationships, while others contend that it’s not so bad as long as the cousins in question are absolute smokeshows.


thebeaverton--2020-05-18--Staring baby obviously looking for a fight

TORONTO – A fight nearly broke out on a streetcar earlier today between a fully-grown adult man and a two-month-old baby named Benjamin .
Onlookers reported seeing the infant begin the fight by staring at the man in what was described as “ an obvious display of aggressive intent.
” Mark Robinson was the unfortunate passenger on the streetcar who experienced the full brunt of the baby ’ s threatening gaze .
“ Look at that little asshole , ” he reportedly proclaimed to a woman next to him , staring unblinkingly back into the baby ’ s innocent blue @ @ @ @ @ @ @ staring at me for five minutes .
I can tell he ’ s just itchin ’ for a rumble .
Oh , he might look adorable and completely unable to move without his mother ’ s help , but that ’ s just what he wants me to think .
Trust me— I take my eyes off of his tiny cherubic face for even a second and his chubby fists are gon na start flying.
” Caroline Davis , a research assistant specializing in child development at the University of Toronto , explained @ @ @ @ @ @ @ assumptions .
“ It ’ s a well-known fact that infants begin looking for combat opportunities the moment they leave the womb , ” she exclaimed , putting the finishing touches on a tiny pair of boxing gloves for a current research subject .
“ They recognize that staring down a challenger is the surest way to begin a fight .
They ’ re like lions- it ’ s just animal instinct.
” “ They might not have object permanence yet , but they know they hate you.
” Benjamin ’ s mother @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he had been extra fussy that morning and was just looking for someone to take it out on .
“ That terrible man didn ’ t have to take the bait , ” she huffed .
“ He could have just acknowledged my son ’ s dominance and looked away .
But no , he stared right back and asked my sweet little Ben if ‘ he was feelin ’ lucky.
’ Well , that ’ s a surefire way to get yourself a baby-sized smackdown.
” Luckily for everyone on the streetcar @ @ @ @ @ @ @ broke the tension by pooping his pants .

TORONTO – A fight nearly broke out on a streetcar earlier today between a fully-grown adult man and a two-month-old baby named Benjamin. Onlookers reported seeing the infant begin the fight by staring at the man in what was described as “an obvious display of aggressive intent.”
Mark Robinson was the unfortunate passenger on the streetcar who experienced the full brunt of the baby’s threatening gaze.
“Look at that little asshole,” he reportedly proclaimed to a woman next to him, staring unblinkingly back into the baby’s innocent blue eyes. “He’s been staring at me for five minutes. I can tell he’s just itchin’ for a rumble. Oh, he might look adorable and completely unable to move without his mother’s help, but that’s just what he wants me to think. Trust me— I take my eyes off of his tiny cherubic face for even a second and his chubby fists are gonna start flying.”
Caroline Davis, a research assistant specializing in child development at the University of Toronto, explained that Robinson was entirely correct in his assumptions.
“It’s a well-known fact that infants begin looking for combat opportunities the moment they leave the womb,” she exclaimed, putting the finishing touches on a tiny pair of boxing gloves for a current research subject. “They recognize that staring down a challenger is the surest way to begin a fight. They’re like lions- it’s just animal instinct.”
“They might not have object permanence yet, but they know they hate you.”
Benjamin’s mother Carol defended her son, arguing that he had been extra fussy that morning and was just looking for someone to take it out on.
“That terrible man didn’t have to take the bait,” she huffed. “He could have just acknowledged my son’s dominance and looked away. But no, he stared right back and asked my sweet little Ben if ‘he was feelin’ lucky.’ Well, that’s a surefire way to get yourself a baby-sized smackdown.”
Luckily for everyone on the streetcar, the fight was avoided when Benjamin broke the tension by pooping his pants.


thebeaverton--2020-05-18--Despite food shortages, grocery stores report massive surplus of gluten free products

EDMONTON – While the COVID-19 quarantine has resulted in some grocery stores dealing with food shortages , availability of gluten-free products remains at an all-time high .
“ People are desperate for bread , ” said store manager Frank Daggert .
“ Even flour and yeast are high demand items .
But when people realize their only option is gluten-free bread , they decide to just have fruit for breakfast.
” This has led to some difficult customer-service moments , such as the time Daggert met a father who was desperate to restore a little normalcy for his son by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ told him the good news – that we had a literal mountain of gluten-free buns – and he just started crying.
” Daggert admits to being previously convinced that , when every item from the baking section sold out , people would finally choke down gluten-free products .
“ I couldn ’ t have been more wrong , even people with gluten allergies are passing , ” said Daggert .
“ We sold one gluten-free loaf last week , but apparently the customer bought it by mistake .
He even came back and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just to return it.
” Stocker Amy Rogers has become desperate to find space for the build-up of gluten-free products , designating an aisle way at the back of the store to pile the options knee-deep .
“ Sometimes I have nightmares that when we go home at night , a supernatural force actually adds more gluten-free products to our shelves , ” said Rogers .
“ I ’ m working on a screenplay about it , actually , a dystopian future where there ’ s nothing to eat but gluten-free products and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the meantime , grocery stores are addressing shortages by limiting purchases of popular items per customer .
“ But I want to be clear that does not apply to the gluten-free section , ” added Daggert .
“ In fact , we have a promotion right now where we give you three dollars for every slice of gluten-free bread you take off our hands .
You don ’ t even have to eat it , just get it out of the store .
”

EDMONTON – While the COVID-19 quarantine has resulted in some grocery stores dealing with food shortages, availability of gluten-free products remains at an all-time high.
“People are desperate for bread,” said store manager Frank Daggert. “Even flour and yeast are high demand items. But when people realize their only option is gluten-free bread, they decide to just have fruit for breakfast.”
This has led to some difficult customer-service moments, such as the time Daggert met a father who was desperate to restore a little normalcy for his son by barbecuing a hot dog.
“I told him the good news – that we had a literal mountain of gluten-free buns – and he just started crying.”
Daggert admits to being previously convinced that, when every item from the baking section sold out, people would finally choke down gluten-free products. “I couldn’t have been more wrong, even people with gluten allergies are passing,” said Daggert. “We sold one gluten-free loaf last week, but apparently the customer bought it by mistake. He even came back and stood in line for another two hours just to return it.”
Stocker Amy Rogers has become desperate to find space for the build-up of gluten-free products, designating an aisle way at the back of the store to pile the options knee-deep.
“Sometimes I have nightmares that when we go home at night, a supernatural force actually adds more gluten-free products to our shelves,” said Rogers. “I’m working on a screenplay about it, actually, a dystopian future where there’s nothing to eat but gluten-free products and everyone is starving to death.”
In the meantime, grocery stores are addressing shortages by limiting purchases of popular items per customer.
“But I want to be clear that does not apply to the gluten-free section,” added Daggert. “In fact, we have a promotion right now where we give you three dollars for every slice of gluten-free bread you take off our hands. You don’t even have to eat it, just get it out of the store.”


thebeaverton--2020-05-17--Man who has barely left basement apartment in months really enjoying his rich friends’ cottage photo

Man who has barely left basement apartment in months really enjoying his rich friends’ cottage photos

TORONTO – Local man Jerome Wittels has been housebound in his 300 sq .
foot basement apartment since the COVID-19 pandemic lockdown began , but says he is getting quite a lot of enjoyment seeing his rich friends post social media photos from their family cottage .
“ Sure life under lockdown has been tough , ” said Wittels , his head brushing against the top of his unit ’ s 6 foot ceilings .
“ And it ’ s nice that people who have been stuck in large , multi-room houses are now able to escape to large multi-room @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s almost like I ’ m there with them , ” he added as he used his finger to hammer at the heart button below an insta of a friend sipping a cocktail on a dock .
Since Premier Ford declared that people who paid property tax on their “ second homes ” could visit them during the Victoria Day long weekend , many families have flocked to their properties , although they continue to follow strict social distancing by only interacting with the other people they live with , their adult children @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and the guy they pay to put their docks in .
“ Oh darn , Jenny M says it ’ s raining .
That must basically ruin the whole thing , ” shouted Wittels over the noise of his upstair ’ s neighbours moving furniture .
Wittels then excused himself to stand on his couch so he could look out his window for a few moments .

TORONTO – Local man Jerome Wittels has been housebound in his 300 sq. foot basement apartment since the COVID-19 pandemic lockdown began, but says he is getting quite a lot of enjoyment seeing his rich friends post social media photos from their family cottage.
“Sure life under lockdown has been tough,” said Wittels, his head brushing against the top of his unit’s 6 foot ceilings. “And it’s nice that people who have been stuck in large, multi-room houses are now able to escape to large multi-room houses near lakes.”
“It’s almost like I’m there with them,” he added as he used his finger to hammer at the heart button below an insta of a friend sipping a cocktail on a dock.
Since Premier Ford declared that people who paid property tax on their “second homes” could visit them during the Victoria Day long weekend, many families have flocked to their properties, although they continue to follow strict social distancing by only interacting with the other people they live with, their adult children, their adult children’s partner, and the guy they pay to put their docks in.
“Oh darn, Jenny M says it’s raining. That must basically ruin the whole thing,” shouted Wittels over the noise of his upstair’s neighbours moving furniture.
Wittels then excused himself to stand on his couch so he could look out his window for a few moments.


thebeaverton--2020-05-19--Ford Government promises to discuss visiting family members once guidelines established for butlers,

Ford Government promises to discuss visiting family members once guidelines established for butlers, sommeliers

QUEEN ’ S PARK — Today Premier Ford announced his government will begin developing guidelines for when Ontarians can visit their families again , just as soon as they finish establishing rules for butlers , housekeepers , cooks , maids , scullery maids , and sommeliers .
“ We understand that Ontarians have been waiting for months in lockdown , to be able to see their families and loved ones again , ” explained Premier Ford , “ and we promise to get to that , eventually .
Right now my government is focusing on what really matters – letting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ beloved butlers .
Premier Ford explained further , ” Right now my government is focused on getting Reginald back polishing your shoes , making snippy remarks about your wife ’ s friends , and saying ‘ good evening ’ in that awesome , butler way.
” He also assured Ontarians their sommeliers would soon be able to return to work , “ and finally explain what kind of wine you ’ ve been drinking all this time in quarantine.
” The premier went on to emphasize how his party is committed to getting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , particularly if that business covers butlers , cooks , headwaiters , flunkies , valets , servants , lackeys , flatterers , aides , and footmen .
Ford assured Ontarians he knew how hard it has been , doing without their artisanal caddies , full-time game wardens , or human furniture servants .
“ Some Ontarians haven ’ t even been able to see their dog ’ s reiki practitioners in weeks .
Weeks !
” Ford added , wiping away a tear .
While re-welcoming their macrobiotic pastry chefs , Ford urged @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for visiting loved ones during lockdown , namely that they can not meet in gatherings of more than 5 people , which can not be inside their homes , and as well not in public spaces , but must be only comprised of people in your house ’ s “ social bubble ” as well as possibly other “ social bubbles ” , plus always staying at a 6 foot distance , but also not in groups of up to 5 people .
Speaking from his home office , Toronto mayor John Tory @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on personal support staff .
“ I ’ ve been working from my luxury penthouse through this entire ordeal , and to be honest I have no idea how I ’ ve made it this long without Ferdinand , my top hat polisher .
To say nothing of Raphael , my live-in jai alai coach !
” Tory concluded , “ Congratulations Ontarians , on re-welcoming these cherished members of , I assume , all your households as well !
” As the video press conference concluded , Premier Ford wished Ontarians “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to pick up his daughters ’ families , and drive them all up to the cottage together .

QUEEN’S PARK — Today Premier Ford announced his government will begin developing guidelines for when Ontarians can visit their families again, just as soon as they finish establishing rules for butlers, housekeepers, cooks, maids, scullery maids, and sommeliers.
“We understand that Ontarians have been waiting for months in lockdown, to be able to see their families and loved ones again,” explained Premier Ford, “and we promise to get to that, eventually. Right now my government is focusing on what really matters – letting those same regular Ontarians finally re-hire their beloved butlers.
“For the people!” added Ford, hastily.
Premier Ford explained further, ”Right now my government is focused on getting Reginald back polishing your shoes, making snippy remarks about your wife’s friends, and saying ‘good evening’ in that awesome, butler way.”
He also assured Ontarians their sommeliers would soon be able to return to work, “and finally explain what kind of wine you’ve been drinking all this time in quarantine.”
The premier went on to emphasize how his party is committed to getting Ontario “Open For Business” again, particularly if that business covers butlers, cooks, headwaiters, flunkies, valets, servants, lackeys, flatterers, aides, and footmen. Ford assured Ontarians he knew how hard it has been, doing without their artisanal caddies, full-time game wardens, or human furniture servants.
“Some Ontarians haven’t even been able to see their dog’s reiki practitioners in weeks. Weeks!” Ford added, wiping away a tear.
While re-welcoming their macrobiotic pastry chefs, Ford urged Ontarians to follow previously laid out guidelines for visiting loved ones during lockdown, namely that they cannot meet in gatherings of more than 5 people, which cannot be inside their homes, and as well not in public spaces, but must be only comprised of people in your house’s “social bubble” as well as possibly other “social bubbles”, plus always staying at a 6 foot distance, but also not in groups of up to 5 people.
Speaking from his home office, Toronto mayor John Tory enthusiastically welcomed the premier’s guidelines on personal support staff. “I’ve been working from my luxury penthouse through this entire ordeal, and to be honest I have no idea how I’ve made it this long without Ferdinand, my top hat polisher. To say nothing of Raphael, my live-in jai alai coach!”
Tory concluded, “Congratulations Ontarians, on re-welcoming these cherished members of, I assume, all your households as well!”
As the video press conference concluded, Premier Ford wished Ontarians “good luck” before ordering his driver to pick up his daughters’ families, and drive them all up to the cottage together.


thebeaverton--2020-05-20--It’s time to end the shutdown because infection numbers are stabilizing and I don’t understand the c

It’s time to end the shutdown because infection numbers are stabilizing and I don’t understand the concept of cause and effect BY: CONRAD BLACK

The last few months have been tough on Canadians , who have been forced to endure strict lockdown measures , ostensibly to curb the spread of a deadly coronavirus .
But with infection numbers stabilizing , it ’ s time to fully end the shutdown , because I absolutely do not understand the concept of cause and effect .
Simply put , lockdown was meant to prevent our hospitals from being overwhelmed .
But it turns out our hospitals have not been overwhelmed , probably , so it ’ s safe to say our actions have had no impact and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sweden !
There is no enforced lockdown ; instead , citizens are trusted to keep themselves and others safe without government meddling .
If this can work for a population with high levels of trust in public institutions , robust social support and strong sick leave policies , resulting in a death rate that is only seven times greater than neighbouring nations , there ’ s no reason we can ’ t see similar positive results here .
Still not convinced ?
Let ’ s break down the numbers with no reference to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what that is or how it works .
The facts are these : only a measly 20 % of the population ( those above the age of 65 ) are at a high risk from COVID , and they were probably about to fall down some stairs and die anyway .
For those not in the “ Old and Gross ” demographic , the chances of death are about 1 in 40,000 , a figure I arrived at with week-old numbers , some extremely generous rounding and a broad assumption that absolutely nothing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and all safety measures .
Listen , I ’ m not a monster .
Every effort should be made to protect long term care homes , which have seen the majority of COVID deaths in this nation .
Every effort except for the main , big one where everyone stays home to slow the spread of the virus , because that ’ s crazy .
Don ’ t worry , I ’ m sure it won ’ t put PSWs and support staff in greater risk of contracting and spreading coronavirus through their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ senior citizens are a spry bunch who can just jump out of the way if any COVID comes at them .
So let ’ s get out there and reopen the economy !
And as someone with terrible , terrible math and no comprehension of causal relationships , plus prior convictions for felony fraud and obstruction of justice , you can trust that I know what I ’ m talking about when it comes to the economy .

The last few months have been tough on Canadians, who have been forced to endure strict lockdown measures, ostensibly to curb the spread of a deadly coronavirus. But with infection numbers stabilizing, it’s time to fully end the shutdown, because I absolutely do not understand the concept of cause and effect.
Simply put, lockdown was meant to prevent our hospitals from being overwhelmed. But it turns out our hospitals have not been overwhelmed, probably, so it’s safe to say our actions have had no impact and were wholly unnecessary.
Just look at Sweden! There is no enforced lockdown; instead, citizens are trusted to keep themselves and others safe without government meddling. If this can work for a population with high levels of trust in public institutions, robust social support and strong sick leave policies, resulting in a death rate that is only seven times greater than neighbouring nations, there’s no reason we can’t see similar positive results here.
Still not convinced? Let’s break down the numbers with no reference to causality because I don’t know what that is or how it works. The facts are these: only a measly 20% of the population (those above the age of 65) are at a high risk from COVID, and they were probably about to fall down some stairs and die anyway. For those not in the “Old and Gross” demographic, the chances of death are about 1 in 40,000, a figure I arrived at with week-old numbers, some extremely generous rounding and a broad assumption that absolutely nothing will change if we suddenly abandon any and all safety measures.
Listen, I’m not a monster. Every effort should be made to protect long term care homes, which have seen the majority of COVID deaths in this nation. Every effort except for the main, big one where everyone stays home to slow the spread of the virus, because that’s crazy. Don’t worry, I’m sure it won’t put PSWs and support staff in greater risk of contracting and spreading coronavirus through their workplaces, and besides, our remaining senior citizens are a spry bunch who can just jump out of the way if any COVID comes at them.
So let’s get out there and reopen the economy! And as someone with terrible, terrible math and no comprehension of causal relationships, plus prior convictions for felony fraud and obstruction of justice, you can trust that I know what I’m talking about when it comes to the economy.


Introvert fine

HAMILTON – As COVID-19 self-isolation has taken a huge psychological toll on much of the population , local introvert Sangeeta Varma is reportedly kind of okay to be honest .
Thanks to social distancing , Varma hasn ’ t had a real conversation in 43 days , not counting the 11 days before that where she just didn ’ t feel like it .
“ I lost my job and I ’ m not sure how I ’ ll pay rent next month , but I don ’ t have to be nice to customers anymore , so I think @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Varma ( over email ) .
Varma , who lives alone , credits Animal Crossing and her vibrator with fully replacing her need for human interaction , though she admits it can be draining having to share a one-bedroom apartment with her reflection .
“ It turns out online hangouts are actually easier to cancel at the last minute , ” said Varma , lying braless on a pile of laundry , eating Nutella from the jar with a fork .
“ I feel like not having kids was a pretty good call.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ has struggled with moments of depression , like when she realized the Drag Race Finale might be delayed , and also everyone getting sick and stuff .
When asked if she hopes social distancing restrictions are lifted soon , Varma was ambivalent : “ I guess it would be nice to feel the sun on my face again , but I don ’ t know if I can still do eye contact.
” She plans to celebrate public spaces reopening with a chill night in .

HAMILTON – As COVID-19 self-isolation has taken a huge psychological toll on much of the population, local introvert Sangeeta Varma is reportedly kind of okay to be honest.
Thanks to social distancing, Varma hasn’t had a real conversation in 43 days, not counting the 11 days before that where she just didn’t feel like it.
“I lost my job and I’m not sure how I’ll pay rent next month, but I don’t have to be nice to customers anymore, so I think it’s net-positive,” said Varma (over email).
Varma, who lives alone, credits Animal Crossing and her vibrator with fully replacing her need for human interaction, though she admits it can be draining having to share a one-bedroom apartment with her reflection.
“It turns out online hangouts are actually easier to cancel at the last minute,” said Varma, lying braless on a pile of laundry, eating Nutella from the jar with a fork. “I feel like not having kids was a pretty good call.”
Despite these silver linings, Varma has struggled with moments of depression, like when she realized the Drag Race Finale might be delayed, and also everyone getting sick and stuff.
When asked if she hopes social distancing restrictions are lifted soon, Varma was ambivalent: “I guess it would be nice to feel the sun on my face again, but I don’t know if I can still do eye contact.” She plans to celebrate public spaces reopening with a chill night in.
In related news; extrovert dead.


thebeaverton--2020-05-21--Awkward pause on Zoom call enters third day

VANCOUVER — Tensions are high among the management team of eGrow Marketing as an awkward pause in their Zoom meeting enters its third day .
The pause began about 30 minutes into what was supposed to be an hour-long meeting when Marketing Analyst Elise Hall finished sharing recent trends , but then leafed through some papers as if she had something else to say .
“ She just trailed off .
At first I thought her video had frozen , ” shared assistant manager Corey Bell via a surreptitious text , “ By the time we realized she wasn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ d been silent for too long to pick the conversation back up organically .
Please tell my family I loved them ” .
The eGrow team is not used to awkward pauses in person , having unconsciously picked up the habit of going around the table in order .
But with meetings happening online and no visual cue to indicate who ’ s next , participants must now speak voluntarily .
“ They ’ ll sit it out for days waiting for someone else to talk ” said intern Carolyn Amos , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ picture of herself 20 minutes into the call and has spent the last two days playing Animal Crossing , “ I ’ m pretty sure we could shared all the reports on Slack , but Corey thought a meeting would be more efficient ” .
The call almost ended 33 hours in as Bell opened his mouth to say that if no one else had anything to add , they may as well get back to work .
Unfortunately , lead manager Gianni Salluci tried to say the same thing at the same @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rather than talk over each other .
While her colleagues stare dead-eyed into their screens , account manager Jean Roberts has attempted to cancel the company ’ s Zoom subscription in the hopes that they ’ ll be booted off the call after 40 minutes .
But with the subscription paid up until the end of the month , Roberts is considering if she can lure a squirrel in through the window and cook it by setting fire to her office shredder .
At press time , eGrow president John Atwood had yet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s been talking uninterrupted for 54 hours on mute .

VANCOUVER — Tensions are high among the management team of eGrow Marketing as an awkward pause in their Zoom meeting enters its third day.
The pause began about 30 minutes into what was supposed to be an hour-long meeting when Marketing Analyst Elise Hall finished sharing recent trends, but then leafed through some papers as if she had something else to say.
“She just trailed off. At first I thought her video had frozen,” shared assistant manager Corey Bell via a surreptitious text, “By the time we realized she wasn’t going to speak again, we’d been silent for too long to pick the conversation back up organically. Please tell my family I loved them”.
The eGrow team is not used to awkward pauses in person, having unconsciously picked up the habit of going around the table in order. But with meetings happening online and no visual cue to indicate who’s next, participants must now speak voluntarily.
“They’ll sit it out for days waiting for someone else to talk” said intern Carolyn Amos, who replaced her Zoom background with a picture of herself 20 minutes into the call and has spent the last two days playing Animal Crossing, “I’m pretty sure we could shared all the reports on Slack, but Corey thought a meeting would be more efficient”.
The call almost ended 33 hours in as Bell opened his mouth to say that if no one else had anything to add, they may as well get back to work. Unfortunately, lead manager Gianni Salluci tried to say the same thing at the same time, and both reverted to silence rather than talk over each other.
While her colleagues stare dead-eyed into their screens, account manager Jeanne Roberts has attempted to cancel the company’s Zoom subscription in the hopes that they’ll be booted off the call after 40 minutes. But with the subscription paid up until the end of the month, Roberts is considering if she can lure a squirrel in through the window and cook it by setting fire to her office shredder.
At press time, eGrow president John Atwood had yet to notice the awkward pause as he’s been talking uninterrupted for 54 hours on mute.


thebeaverton--2020-05-21--Family finally decapitates Minotaur inhabiting living room pillowfort

NELSON , B.C – All eyes were on the Galifinakis residence last Friday night as the family emerged triumphantly from their home with the severed head of the Minotaur that had been dwelling within the elaborate pillow and blanket fort in the family ’ s living room .
“ The gods have smiled upon us !
” Dan Galifinakis said while sitting on the rocking chair of his wrap-around porch , bloodied and suffering from 19 piercing damage .
“ We have slain the wretched beast and ripped its heart out with our bare hands !
Now we can have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” The Galifinakises initially started the construction of their pillow fort out of boredom , and since then it has grown into a labyrinth of epic proportions , filled with a basketball court , a bowling alley , and several blood-thirsty monsters .
The most terrifying unwelcome occupant of the Galifinakis ’ s cushy domestic labyrinth was the Minotaur , not only because of his size and grotesqueness , but because he was an in-law ; the consequence of the wild night Aunt Frieda had at the Calgary Stampede in 1987 .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ after his Amazonian Prime orders began to arrive at their address .
While living there the monster refused to clean up after himself , kept ruining the pillows with his horns , and would throw violent tantrums after the Galifinakises declined to give him the 14 youths he demanded every solstice .
When the Galifinakis clan finally decided to rid themselves of the Minotaur , they first sought out the sword of Aegeus , which they believed they could only obtain through a series of labours including stealing the Mares of Diomedes , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a couples counselling session between Hera and Zeus .
Luckily , their son Trevor was able to find a reliable duplicate on eBay for $ 300 .
When the family met with the beast , they waged a long and vicious fight .
The battle was eventually won when little Kimiko Galifinakis , who every year excelled in archery at Lil Sunshine Summer Camp , shot an arrow right in the Minotaur ’ s thigh , distracting the creature long enough for the family to cut off its head .
“ I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” said Dan ’ s wife Yui , who spent the battle painting the bloody scene on a urn .
“ I just wish everyone moved a bit slower.
” While they eventually plan to return to their regular lives despite the fame and glory they ’ ve achieved , the Galifinakis family are currently concentrating on dealing with the numerous accolades and gifts they ’ ve been receiving since their epic triumph , including flowers , fruit baskets , and a large , mysterious package shaped like a horse .

NELSON, B.C – All eyes were on the Galifinakis residence last Friday night as the family emerged triumphantly from their home with the severed head of the Minotaur that had been dwelling within the elaborate pillow and blanket fort in the family’s living room.
“The gods have smiled upon us!” Dan Galifinakis said while sitting on the rocking chair of his wrap-around porch, bloodied and suffering from 19 piercing damage. “We have slain the wretched beast and ripped its heart out with our bare hands! Now we can have cozy pillow cuddles in peace!!”
The Galifinakises initially started the construction of their pillow fort out of boredom, and since then it has grown into a labyrinth of epic proportions, filled with a basketball court, a bowling alley, and several blood-thirsty monsters.
The most terrifying unwelcome occupant of the Galifinakis’s cushy domestic labyrinth was the Minotaur, not only because of his size and grotesqueness, but because he was an in-law; the consequence of the wild night Aunt Frieda had at the Calgary Stampede in 1987.
The family first realized the Minotaur moved in after his Amazonian Prime orders began to arrive at their address. While living there the monster refused to clean up after himself, kept ruining the pillows with his horns, and would throw violent tantrums after the Galifinakises declined to give him the 14 youths he demanded every solstice.
When the Galifinakis clan finally decided to rid themselves of the Minotaur, they first sought out the sword of Aegeus, which they believed they could only obtain through a series of labours including stealing the Mares of Diomedes, slaying the Nemean Lion, and mediating a couples counselling session between Hera and Zeus. Luckily, their son Trevor was able to find a reliable duplicate on eBay for $300.
When the family met with the beast, they waged a long and vicious fight. The battle was eventually won when little Kimiko Galifinakis, who every year excelled in archery at Lil Sunshine Summer Camp, shot an arrow right in the Minotaur’s thigh, distracting the creature long enough for the family to cut off its head.
“I’m happy everyone’s safe,” said Dan’s wife Yui, who spent the battle painting the bloody scene on a urn. “I just wish everyone moved a bit slower.”
While they eventually plan to return to their regular lives despite the fame and glory they’ve achieved, the Galifinakis family are currently concentrating on dealing with the numerous accolades and gifts they’ve been receiving since their epic triumph, including flowers, fruit baskets, and a large, mysterious package shaped like a horse.


thebeaverton--2020-05-21--Air Canada CEO claims company is too busy firing employees to refund passengers

MONTREAL – Faced with mounting calls for the company to issue refunds to passengers whose travel was cancelled due to COVID-19 instead of just travel vouchers , Air Canada CEO Calin Rovinescu has insisted they just don ’ t have the time , as most of their days are taken up with firing their loyal workforce .
“ I ’ d love to see people whose travel was cancelled and who probably need the money right now get reimbursed , but we ’ re just real slammed right now , ” said Rovinescu as he indiscriminately stamped the word ‘ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ files .
“ You know how long it takes to tell thousands of employees they ’ re done-zo ?
Guarantee you that a bunch of them cry and that just takes forever , ” he added , calling security to escort another dozen employees out of the building .
Even though Air Canada has received approximately 10 cargo planes worth of 100 dollar bills from the government in relief funds , and is holding 2.6 billion dollars in prepaid passenger income from cancelled flights , that hasn ’ t stopped top executives from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ‘ You ’ re Fired ’ at anyone they see wearing an Air Canada vest .
“ I called them and demanded the money I pre-paid for my flight to Italy , ” said disgruntled customer Anita Dobrick .
“ And they told me they were sorry but they had to let me go .
I tried to explain that I don ’ t work for Air Canada but they just kept trying to fire me.
” Rovinescu said he understood the customers ’ anger .
But said that he would make it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ extra voucher allowing them to fire up to 3 Air Canada employees of their choosing .

MONTREAL – Faced with mounting calls for the company to issue refunds to passengers whose travel was cancelled due to COVID-19 instead of just travel vouchers, Air Canada CEO Calin Rovinescu has insisted they just don’t have the time, as most of their days are taken up with firing their loyal workforce.
“I’d love to see people whose travel was cancelled and who probably need the money right now get reimbursed, but we’re just real slammed right now,” said Rovinescu as he indiscriminately stamped the word ‘fired’ on a stack of employee files.
“You know how long it takes to tell thousands of employees they’re done-zo? Guarantee you that a bunch of them cry and that just takes forever,” he added, calling security to escort another dozen employees out of the building.
Even though Air Canada has received approximately 10 cargo planes worth of 100 dollar bills from the government in relief funds, and is holding 2.6 billion dollars in prepaid passenger income from cancelled flights, that hasn’t stopped top executives from spending their time running around airports shouting ‘You’re Fired’ at anyone they see wearing an Air Canada vest.
“I called them and demanded the money I pre-paid for my flight to Italy,” said disgruntled customer Anita Dobrick. “And they told me they were sorry but they had to let me go. I tried to explain that I don’t work for Air Canada but they just kept trying to fire me.”
Rovinescu said he understood the customers’ anger. But said that he would make it up to them by giving them an extra voucher allowing them to fire up to 3 Air Canada employees of their choosing.


thebeaverton--2020-05-22--Student that received CESB blows it all on single PDF textbook

ORILLIA , ON – Several days after receiving $ 1,250 from the Canada Emergency Student Benefit , Jackson Briggs was surprised to find that he had immediately spent the totality of the money on a single PDF textbook .
“ Since my internship got cancelled and the pool I used to be a lifeguard at is closed , I decided to spend the summer taking an organic chem course to get ahead , ” said the third year biology student .
“ I didn ’ t really process how expensive the digital textbook for the class was… well until I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my card rejected.
” “ Fuck , this was suppose to last me all month.
” Scholarly Horse , the publisher of the astronomically priced textbook , defended their choice to markup their textbooks during the COVID-19 pandemic .
“ It ’ s all about supply and demand , ” rationalized a spokesperson for the company .
“ Right now , many students are forced to take online courses , and we know many of said students have come into a pretty sum of money from ‘ daddy Trudeau.
’ Since we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ monopoly on post-secondary PDF chemistry textbooks , we ’ re the ones who get to evaluate the value of our intellectual property.
” “ What are those kids gon na do , learn about nucleophiles on SparkNotes ?
This isn ’ t a Shakespearian English class we ’ re talking about.
” Briggs says he wishes he could have spent some of the government benefit on his phone and internet bill or on some food for his cat , but remained good-natured about the whole affair .
“ I feel bad for being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ paid for his textbook , ” laughed the 21 year-old , as he typed away on his laptop .
“ But I ’ ve also become pretty popular because I ’ ve shared the file with anyone who asked for it.
” The textbook in question , Intro to Organic Chemistry Vol .
28 , differs vastly from the previous volume mainly due to the fact that all the chapters have been reorganized .

ORILLIA, ON – Several days after receiving $1,250 from the Canada Emergency Student Benefit, Jackson Briggs was surprised to find that he had immediately spent the totality of the money on a single PDF textbook.
“Since my internship got cancelled and the pool I used to be a lifeguard at is closed, I decided to spend the summer taking an organic chem course to get ahead,” said the third year biology student. “I didn’t really process how expensive the digital textbook for the class was… well until I went to buy some groceries and had my card rejected.”
“Fuck, this was suppose to last me all month.”
Scholarly Horse, the publisher of the astronomically priced textbook, defended their choice to markup their textbooks during the COVID-19 pandemic.
“It’s all about supply and demand,” rationalized a spokesperson for the company. “Right now, many students are forced to take online courses, and we know many of said students have come into a pretty sum of money from ‘daddy Trudeau.’ Since we’re the only publishing house with a monopoly on post-secondary PDF chemistry textbooks, we’re the ones who get to evaluate the value of our intellectual property.”
“What are those kids gonna do, learn about nucleophiles on SparkNotes? This isn’t a Shakespearian English class we’re talking about.”
Briggs says he wishes he could have spent some of the government benefit on his phone and internet bill or on some food for his cat, but remained good-natured about the whole affair.
“I feel bad for being the one kid in class who accidentally paid for his textbook,” laughed the 21 year-old, as he typed away on his laptop. “But I’ve also become pretty popular because I’ve shared the file with anyone who asked for it.”
The textbook in question, Intro to Organic Chemistry Vol. 28, differs vastly from the previous volume mainly due to the fact that all the chapters have been reorganized.


thebeaverton--2020-05-22--Condo developers seek help from Marginalized Community on where to gentrify next

VANCOUVER – In order to address the ongoing housing crisis , condo developers have reached out to marginalized communities in search of the next neighbourhood to gentrify .
“ We owe the vibrancy of this city to the diverse communities and people that have made it so ” addressed condo developer Jann O ’ Brian , to a focus group made up of representatives from various marginalized neighbourhoods .
“ With your help , we will be able to homogenize your community quicker , send in the hipsters sooner , and start pricing out you – the original inhabitants – @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bench !
’ ” The focus group , aimed at identifying the next “ up and coming ” neighbourhood , met at the former drag bar that was once the mecca of a monumental civil rights protest but is now a Starbucks .
According to O ’ Brian , there is a high demand for luxury condos with breathtaking views , located in the downtown core , but with enough square footage to stow golf clubs and pregnant mistresses .
“ I ’ m just so grateful the city has prioritized condos over @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the group , whose immigrant parents ran a local grocery store for 52 years before being replaced by a Soulcycle .
“ My parents were a staple in the community .
To have their legacy whittled down to this nifty plaque , is a true honour .
Of course , they left out the part about the systemic racism that forced my parents to this neighbourhood in the first place but , in a way , isn ’ t redlining kind of like a big , special hug from the government ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ Brian , when developers gentrify an area , their mission is to reflect the vision and values of the original neighbourhood , just without the actual people that built it .
“ Take this family restaurant , for example .
Yes , we replaced it with a commercial brunch chain but look how we still use the facade of the old building as part of a charming aesthetic to sell to more affluent people !
It ’ s like cultural catfishing !
” Aisha Numa , long-time resident of a heritage building @ @ @ @ @ @ @ replacing her home will honour her with a mural while Mario Sanchez , who ’ s underground music venue has already been demolished for a microbrewery , is pivoting for a poké-stop .
“ We all have to do our part for progress , ” shrugged local councillor Chris Dander , from his second waterfront property that was definitely not a payoff .
“ Besides , marginalized communities are resilient and will bounce back .
They ’ ll move on and build better neighbourhoods for us , the city , to sell to @ @ @ @ @ @ @

VANCOUVER – In order to address the ongoing housing crisis, condo developers have reached out to marginalized communities in search of the next neighbourhood to gentrify.
“We owe the vibrancy of this city to the diverse communities and people that have made it so” addressed condo developer Jann O’Brian, to a focus group made up of representatives from various marginalized neighbourhoods. “With your help, we will be able to homogenize your community quicker, send in the hipsters sooner, and start pricing out you – the original inhabitants – faster than you could say ‘commemorative bench!’”
The focus group, aimed at identifying the next “up and coming” neighbourhood, met at the former drag bar that was once the mecca of a monumental civil rights protest but is now a Starbucks. According to O’Brian, there is a high demand for luxury condos with breathtaking views, located in the downtown core, but with enough square footage to stow golf clubs and pregnant mistresses.
“I’m just so grateful the city has prioritized condos over culture.“ said Kim Tang, member of the group, whose immigrant parents ran a local grocery store for 52 years before being replaced by a Soulcycle. “My parents were a staple in the community. To have their legacy whittled down to this nifty plaque, is a true honour. Of course, they left out the part about the systemic racism that forced my parents to this neighbourhood in the first place but, in a way, isn’t redlining kind of like a big, special hug from the government?”
In a statement released by O’Brian, when developers gentrify an area, their mission is to reflect the vision and values of the original neighbourhood, just without the actual people that built it. “Take this family restaurant, for example. Yes, we replaced it with a commercial brunch chain but look how we still use the facade of the old building as part of a charming aesthetic to sell to more affluent people! It’s like cultural catfishing!”
Aisha Numa, long-time resident of a heritage building, is hoping the Sephora that is replacing her home will honour her with a mural while Mario Sanchez, who’s underground music venue has already been demolished for a microbrewery, is pivoting for a poké-stop.
“We all have to do our part for progress,” shrugged local councillor Chris Dander, from his second waterfront property that was definitely not a payoff. “Besides, marginalized communities are resilient and will bounce back. They’ll move on and build better neighbourhoods for us, the city, to sell to developers in a couple years!”


thebeaverton--2020-05-22--5 great excuses not to hang out when you’re free all the time now and they know it

So you used to have a million excuses to get out of hanging out with your friends .
But now that literally every single one of your plans are gone , and the whole planet is under house arrest , everyone knows you are free forever !
Don ’ t worry , because we have you covered with 5 great excuses to use for the new world order !
High school friend wants to reconnect now that it ’ s the apocalypse ?
No worries , because you can ’ t connect without a decent internet connection !
Make the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hour before , send them a text saying your internet is out and you won ’ t know how long until it gets replaced .
Stupid Rogers 😉 now go back to playing Animal Crossing !
If you have a sore throat you can ’ t be expected to talk , and you can ’ t type because you have to saaaave that energy !
We also know NOTHING about this virus , so you can use this excuse for as long as you like because it affects each person differently !
Now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Look who ’ s back , back again , COVID ’ s back , tell a friend !
Even better than pretending you might have COVID is pretending you definitely do !
All the same pros above apply , and the added benefit is people will leave you alone for even longer because they are so deeply afraid of the unknown !
So turn that switch back on , because it ’ s time for some more Animal Crossing !
4 .
“ I Have To Help My Family With their bunker.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thinks it ’ s time for a Walking Dead-esque bunker .
And a bunker like that takes time to make .
If someone wants to spend time on Skype , simply say you are too busy helping your family construct a bunker for the end of the world , sharpening sticks to surround the small house your family owns , and collecting food just like you might do in the beloved Nintendo switch game Animal Crossing .
Finally , the best excuse is the truth .
Perhaps this whole situation will start a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ where we can tell people the truth without hurting anyone ’ s feelings .
Maybe we can all open up and realize that we have so little time on this earth and we only want to spend it with the people we like .
Maybe the people we like will say they don ’ t want to spend time with us , and then we ’ ll finally begin to see who our true friends and family are and everyone will be happier for it .
You can also just pretend you have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Now you can play you guessed it ; DOOM , as you are now bored of Animal Crossing .

So you used to have a million excuses to get out of hanging out with your friends. But now that literally every single one of your plans are gone, and the whole planet is under house arrest, everyone knows you are free forever! Don’t worry, because we have you covered with 5 great excuses to use for the new world order!
1. “My Internet Is Out”
High school friend wants to reconnect now that it’s the apocalypse? No worries, because you can’t connect without a decent internet connection! Make the plan to zoom one night and one hour before, send them a text saying your internet is out and you won’t know how long until it gets replaced. Stupid Rogers 😉 now go back to playing Animal Crossing!
2. “I Might Have COVID-19”
If you have a sore throat you can’t be expected to talk, and you can’t type because you have to saaaave that energy! We also know NOTHING about this virus, so you can use this excuse for as long as you like because it affects each person differently! Now go back to playing Animal Crossing!
3. “I Definitely Have COVID-19”
Look who’s back, back again, COVID’s back, tell a friend! Even better than pretending you might have COVID is pretending you definitely do! All the same pros above apply, and the added benefit is people will leave you alone for even longer because they are so deeply afraid of the unknown! So turn that switch back on, because it’s time for some more Animal Crossing!
4. “I Have To Help My Family With their bunker.”
Everyone can relate to a dad who thinks it’s time for a Walking Dead-esque bunker. And a bunker like that takes time to make. If someone wants to spend time on Skype, simply say you are too busy helping your family construct a bunker for the end of the world, sharpening sticks to surround the small house your family owns, and collecting food just like you might do in the beloved Nintendo switch game Animal Crossing.
5. “I Don’t Want To”
Finally, the best excuse is the truth. Perhaps this whole situation will start a new level of honesty in our culture where we can tell people the truth without hurting anyone’s feelings. Maybe we can all open up and realize that we have so little time on this earth and we only want to spend it with the people we like. Maybe the people we like will say they don’t want to spend time with us, and then we’ll finally begin to see who our true friends and family are and everyone will be happier for it. You can also just pretend you have COVID though, that was number 3. Now you can play you guessed it; DOOM, as you are now bored of Animal Crossing.


thebeaverton--2020-05-23--Fuckable Canadians exempted from new mask recommendation

OTTAWA – Canada ’ s chief public health officer officially recommended this week that non-sexy Canadians wear face masks when they are unable to maintain a two meter physical distance from others .
“ We believe the best way to slow down community transmission of the virus is for Canadians who are a 6 or lower on the bangability scale to wear face masks in public , ” Dr. Theresa Tam said in a press conference to announce the new recommendation .
“ We are asking Canadians who are a 7 or higher to keep their faces uncovered despite the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ continue to bask in the glow of their attractiveness during these dark days.
” The government previously only recommended masks for those experiencing symptoms of COVID-19 and people with pre-existing health problems , but is now advocating them for anyone who isn ’ t choice enough to be mistaken for a model if the viewer has had fewer than three beers .
“ Of course , one ’ s degree of attractiveness does depend on location , ” Dr. Tam continued , “ so , for example , someone who is a Saskatoon @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mask when they are in Saskatoon , but if they were to travel to a larger city in which they are a 6 , it is recommended they wear a mask while in that city.
” “ We also have to take into account that due to a massive increase in sexual frustration , the aggregate national standard for fineness is at its lowest point since the 1970s .
A pre-COVID 6 is now at least a COVID 7 , possibly an 8 .
As society opens up again , we do expect @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to their pre-pandemic levels , but it will likely be a slow process.
” “ In the meantime , we ’ re requesting that everyone just try and use their best objective judgement when determining their own fuckability.
” The government has also asked that in addition to celebrating front-line workers by making noise at 7:00 pm every night , the sexiest Canadians do their part for public morale by parading up and down in front of hospitals and care homes to remind our nation ’ s heroes what they are fighting for @

OTTAWA – Canada’s chief public health officer officially recommended this week that non-sexy Canadians wear face masks when they are unable to maintain a two meter physical distance from others.
“We believe the best way to slow down community transmission of the virus is for Canadians who are a 6 or lower on the bangability scale to wear face masks in public,” Dr. Theresa Tam said in a press conference to announce the new recommendation. “We are asking Canadians who are a 7 or higher to keep their faces uncovered despite the danger that poses so we may all continue to bask in the glow of their attractiveness during these dark days.”
The government previously only recommended masks for those experiencing symptoms of COVID-19 and people with pre-existing health problems, but is now advocating them for anyone who isn’t choice enough to be mistaken for a model if the viewer has had fewer than three beers.
“Of course, one’s degree of attractiveness does depend on location,” Dr. Tam continued, “so, for example, someone who is a Saskatoon 7 does not need to wear a mask when they are in Saskatoon, but if they were to travel to a larger city in which they are a 6, it is recommended they wear a mask while in that city.”
“We also have to take into account that due to a massive increase in sexual frustration, the aggregate national standard for fineness is at its lowest point since the 1970s. A pre-COVID 6 is now at least a COVID 7, possibly an 8. As society opens up again, we do expect everyone’s tastiness to eventually return to their pre-pandemic levels, but it will likely be a slow process.”
“In the meantime, we’re requesting that everyone just try and use their best objective judgement when determining their own fuckability.”
The government has also asked that in addition to celebrating front-line workers by making noise at 7:00 pm every night, the sexiest Canadians do their part for public morale by parading up and down in front of hospitals and care homes to remind our nation’s heroes what they are fighting for.


thebeaverton--2020-05-24--Toronto refuses to lose to New York in COVID-19 case count

TORONTO – Some residents of Toronto disappointed with a lacklustre performance in the number of coronavirus cases came out to @ @ @ @ @ at Trinity Bellwoods Park .
“ We want Toronto to have the same feel as @ @ @ @ @ we have to catch up , ” said 26-year-old Madison Fletcher .
“ We need @ @ @ @ @ can die.
” A large gathering of shirtless bros and an array of white women @ @ @ @ @ that Toronto will soon be beating Montreal at something before they become the global epicentre @ @ @ @ @ insisted that they started the second wave of the pandemic before it was cool .

TORONTO – Some residents of Toronto disappointed with a lacklustre performance in the number of coronavirus cases came out to give their city a boost at Trinity Bellwoods Park.
“We want Toronto to have the same feel as New York City, but we have to catch up,” said 26-year-old Madison Fletcher. “We need to live so other people can die.”
A large gathering of shirtless bros and an array of white women wearing terrible hats were confident that Toronto will soon be beating Montreal at something before they become the global epicentre.
The large group also insisted that they started the second wave of the pandemic before it was cool.


thebeaverton--2020-05-25--6 ways to shift blame when people spot you in those Trinity Bellwoods photos

Look , we all make mistakes .
Sometimes we text the wrong person , or we miss an appointment , or we congregate with a crowd of thousands in the midst of a pandemic , contributing to the spread of a deadly virus and thus to its death toll .
But don ’ t worry !
Here are six ways to shift the blame when it was clearly you in those pictures at Trinity Bellwoods Park , Dave .
1 .
“ That wasn ’ t me , it was someone who looks like me ” This is a risky @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you in the monogrammed shorts and custom Big Johnson t-shirt .
Plus you posted a picture on Instagram with the caption “ Picnic with the Bros # QuarantineShmuarantine ” .
But hey , coincidences happen !
That totally wasn ’ t you !
2 .
“ That wasn ’ t me , it was my identical twin who is hellbent on destroying my life ” This is a little better .
While it ’ s a bit of a reach , it explains why someone might choose to dress exactly like you and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a picture that will go viral and be published in the Toronto Star , NowToronto , CityNews and more .
But why would anyone hate you ?
Why indeed , Dave .
3 .
“ I was the only one there , and then several thousand people rushed into the park before I could get out ” Claim you were the one person at Trinity Bellwoods that morning , just there to drink your lime Bubly and then leave .
It ’ s not your fault thousands of park-goers appeared out of nowhere @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a game of hackey sack .
Don ’ t worry , everyone will understand why you chose to flagrantly abandon the protocols that will allow us to eventually return to normal life .
It was nice out !
5 .
“ I fully intended to properly physically distance but it was very difficult to do .
I wore a mask into the park but I failed to use it properly , another thing I ’ m disappointed about .
These were mistakes that I made and as a leader in this city , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ better example going forward.
” If a weak sauce apology is good enough for Toronto mayor John Tory , it ’ s good enough for you !
6 .
“ I was there , but it was satire ” Thank goodness you attended a couple open mics before all this started .
Now you can claim it was all some kind of ironic performance art meant to highlight the danger of letting our guard down while COVID-19 rages on .
You wanted to be in that picture to draw attention to what ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ And what ’ s really going on is a bunch of people being extremely selfish and negligent of the health and safety of others , RIGHT DAVE ?

Look, we all make mistakes. Sometimes we text the wrong person, or we miss an appointment, or we congregate with a crowd of thousands in the midst of a pandemic, contributing to the spread of a deadly virus and thus to its death toll. But don’t worry! Here are six ways to shift the blame when it was clearly you in those pictures at Trinity Bellwoods Park, Dave.
1. “That wasn’t me, it was someone who looks like me”
This is a risky one. It’s very clearly you in the monogrammed shorts and custom Big Johnson t-shirt. Plus you posted a picture on Instagram with the caption “Picnic with the Bros #QuarantineShmuarantine”. But hey, coincidences happen! That totally wasn’t you!
2. “That wasn’t me, it was my identical twin who is hellbent on destroying my life”
This is a little better. While it’s a bit of a reach, it explains why someone might choose to dress exactly like you and act completely irresponsibly in the foreground of a picture that will go viral and be published in the Toronto Star, NowToronto, CityNews and more. But why would anyone hate you? Why indeed, Dave.
3. “I was the only one there, and then several thousand people rushed into the park before I could get out”
Claim you were the one person at Trinity Bellwoods that morning, just there to drink your lime Bubly and then leave. It’s not your fault thousands of park-goers appeared out of nowhere all at once and forced you into a game of hackey sack.
4. “It was nice out!”
Don’t worry, everyone will understand why you chose to flagrantly abandon the protocols that will allow us to eventually return to normal life. It was nice out!
5. “I fully intended to properly physically distance but it was very difficult to do. I wore a mask into the park but I failed to use it properly, another thing I’m disappointed about. These were mistakes that I made and as a leader in this city, I know that I must set a better example going forward.”
If a weak sauce apology is good enough for Toronto mayor John Tory, it’s good enough for you!
6. “I was there, but it was satire”
Thank goodness you attended a couple open mics before all this started. Now you can claim it was all some kind of ironic performance art meant to highlight the danger of letting our guard down while COVID-19 rages on. You wanted to be in that picture to draw attention to what’s really going on in society. And what’s really going on is a bunch of people being extremely selfish and negligent of the health and safety of others, RIGHT DAVE?


thebeaverton--2020-05-25--Editorial: I went to Trinity Bellwoods, but only because I miss urinating in bushes

I , like hundreds of other Torontonians , made the mistake of going to Trinity Bellwoods Park this weekend , when it was far too crowded for attendees to maintain safe social distances .
But I want to be absolutely clear that I did not make this choice for the selfish reason of wanting to party with friends or catch some sun on a warm day .
I did it because I missed my favourite summer Toronto activity : peeing in bushes .
For me , peeing in bushes is synonymous with summer itself in the big city .
It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ than beers , a frisbee or a tan .
A perfect summer day hasn ’ t really begun for me until I ’ ve sat down with friends on a picnic blanket in a place where there are no washrooms available , consumed 2-3 large beverages , left a conversation without explaining where I ’ m going , and marched straight into a bush to relieve myself .
Doesn ’ t matter whether it ’ s lilac or mulberry , the important thing is that you ’ re just hidden enough from everyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not weird , but you still get just a teeny , tiny bit on your shoes .
Needless to say , with the increased crowding in outdoor spaces , enjoying this part of my summer has gotten a lot tougher for me , and the longer social distancing measures are in place , the more likely people are to start challenging them .
Now , a lot of people have identified the lack of green space , infrastructure , and public amenities as possible reasons why people gathered in Trinity Bellwoods .
But @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to consider that there really aren ’ t a lot of bushes in Toronto you can really enjoy a good whiz in .
Sure , Christie Pitts has a few , but if you ’ re not careful you could get caught up watching an outdoor movie at the film festival and forget you even have to go !
And have you ever tried peeing in the Cedarvale Ravine ?
You have to walk so far to get to the bushes you might as well just pee in a real bathroom .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , we are all trying our best to do our part in preventing the spread of COVID-19 .
Before you judge someone violating social distancing guidelines too harshly , consider the possibility that they might just be trying to go to the bathroom in a bush like everyone else .

By Annie Grunwil
I, like hundreds of other Torontonians, made the mistake of going to Trinity Bellwoods Park this weekend, when it was far too crowded for attendees to maintain safe social distances. But I want to be absolutely clear that I did not make this choice for the selfish reason of wanting to party with friends or catch some sun on a warm day. I did it because I missed my favourite summer Toronto activity: peeing in bushes.
For me, peeing in bushes is synonymous with summer itself in the big city. It’s even more evocative of July than beers, a frisbee or a tan. A perfect summer day hasn’t really begun for me until I’ve sat down with friends on a picnic blanket in a place where there are no washrooms available, consumed 2-3 large beverages, left a conversation without explaining where I’m going, and marched straight into a bush to relieve myself. Doesn’t matter whether it’s lilac or mulberry, the important thing is that you’re just hidden enough from everyone’s view that it’s not weird, but you still get just a teeny, tiny bit on your shoes.
Needless to say, with the increased crowding in outdoor spaces, enjoying this part of my summer has gotten a lot tougher for me, and the longer social distancing measures are in place, the more likely people are to start challenging them.
Now, a lot of people have identified the lack of green space, infrastructure, and public amenities as possible reasons why people gathered in Trinity Bellwoods. But I also think it’s important to consider that there really aren’t a lot of bushes in Toronto you can really enjoy a good whiz in. Sure, Christie Pitts has a few, but if you’re not careful you could get caught up watching an outdoor movie at the film festival and forget you even have to go! And have you ever tried peeing in the Cedarvale Ravine? You have to walk so far to get to the bushes you might as well just pee in a real bathroom.
The point is, in these difficult times, we are all trying our best to do our part in preventing the spread of COVID-19. Before you judge someone violating social distancing guidelines too harshly, consider the possibility that they might just be trying to go to the bathroom in a bush like everyone else.


thebeaverton--2020-05-26--Netflix to release a documentary on gay dogs: “There’s something there?”

Los Gatos , CA – People everywhere are at a loss for new content across many of the streaming giants , but it ’ s none other than OG streaming service and self-described “ thots ” Netflix that is struggling to keep up with demand .
In an effort to fuel the nation ’ s insatiable thirst for loosely assembled footage of maybe-murder , reports from insiders suggest Netflix is hinging it ’ s bets on it ’ s newest series Just a Bunch of Gay Dogs a five-episode special that asks , “ Dogs… they gay too , right @ @ @ @ @ @ @ meetings in which silly putty is thrown at a board of mad libs cards , Netflix has found its new obsession in the project dubbed ‘ Sub Woofters ’ , formerly titled All Gay Dogs go to Heaven .
Just a Bunch of Gay Dogs was the literal scum that rose to the top , narrowly beating out reality trash Dong Peninsula and the Riverdale spin-off , Just Lockerroom Footage .
Netflix is doubling down , with docu-series head Gordon Gourd saying : “ If you loved the 2005 level of reality TV @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Handle , then you ’ re gon na love our gay doggos – we basically wheel a Shitzu in a wig down a red carpet blasting the Mamma Mia soundtrack ” Director Joel Schumacher said of the process , “ We started by just filming some dogs walkin ’ around and tried to see if they ’ d do something particularly homosexual , like barking at overhead lighting or pretending to have seen movies like This is The End and Drive .
Insiders report that executives are skeptical , saying that what amounted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ may have ended up being dogs just hanging around .
With one producer noting , “ What we initially thought might be a ‘ peek behind the curtain ’ into an underground bondage scene , turned out to just be a Daschund tangled in a leash.
” Despite the lack of a hook to hang on and 98 minutes of talking heads that are just Pomeranians in ASOS bitch-wear falling off chairs , Just a Bunch of Gay Dogs is desperate to keep Netflix afloat .
That is until of course Netflix ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ That : My Summer Bonk List , Tiger Prawn : Mango , Melon and Mahi Mahi , Stranger Thongs : Upside Down Panty Freaks , and Riverdale spin-off Reggie does Everybody , streaming now on OnlyFangs.com

Los Gatos, CA – People everywhere are at a loss for new content across many of the streaming giants, but it’s none other than OG streaming service and self-described “thots” Netflix that is struggling to keep up with demand.
In an effort to fuel the nation’s insatiable thirst for loosely assembled footage of maybe-murder, reports from insiders suggest Netflix is hinging it’s bets on it’s newest series Just a Bunch of Gay Dogs a five-episode special that asks, “Dogs… they gay too, right?”
After a slew of brainstorming meetings in which silly putty is thrown at a board of mad libs cards, Netflix has found its new obsession in the project dubbed ‘Sub Woofters’, formerly titled All Gay Dogs go to Heaven.
Just a Bunch of Gay Dogs was the literal scum that rose to the top, narrowly beating out reality trash Dong Peninsula and the Riverdale spin-off, Just Lockerroom Footage.
Netflix is doubling down, with docu-series head Gordon Gourd saying: “If you loved the 2005 level of reality TV effort we put into Too Hot To Handle, then you’re gonna love our gay doggos – we basically wheel a Shitzu in a wig down a red carpet blasting the Mamma Mia soundtrack”
Director Joel Schumacher said of the process, “We started by just filming some dogs walkin’ around and tried to see if they’d do something particularly homosexual, like barking at overhead lighting or pretending to have seen movies like This is The End and Drive.
Insiders report that executives are skeptical, saying that what amounted to over 400 hours of footage, may have ended up being dogs just hanging around. With one producer noting, “What we initially thought might be a ‘peek behind the curtain’ into an underground bondage scene, turned out to just be a Daschund tangled in a leash.”
Despite the lack of a hook to hang on and 98 minutes of talking heads that are just Pomeranians in ASOS bitch-wear falling off chairs, Just a Bunch of Gay Dogs is desperate to keep Netflix afloat.
That is until of course Netflix’s fall slate, which includes Nailed That: My Summer Bonk List, Tiger Prawn: Mango, Melon and Mahi Mahi, Stranger Thongs: Upside Down Panty Freaks, and Riverdale spin-off Reggie does Everybody, streaming now on OnlyFangs.com


thebeaverton--2020-05-26--Little Free Library implements more comprehensive Covid-19 strategy than White House

Eugene , OR- Following mounting concern for public safety during the current pandemic , a local Little Free Library is paving the way for appropriate crisis management after issuing a more comprehensive Covid-19 strategy than the current White House administration .
“ As soon as we realized the risk the virus posed to our community , we sprang into action , ” said Diane Williams , steward of the small box she put on her front lawn and filled with books people can borrow at their leisure .
“ In early march , while Trump was downplaying the severity of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of hand sanitizer to the side and we ’ ve continued to update our policies as our knowledge of the virus expands.
” While the White House continues to ignore CDC guidelines and push towards reopening states , Willams ’ hand painted 3X3 foot book container has become a bastion of information and safety measures .
While continuing to serve as a trading post for the neighbourhood ’ s unwanted golf manuals and self-published Twilight erotica , the library has also begun leaving six feet markers on the sidewalk so visitors can practice @ @ @ @ @ @ @ side pick-up .
When reached for comment , U.S. President Donald Trump was quick to downplay the importance of Williams ’ efforts , calling her quaint , handmade structure a “ shack ” and annoyingly over-emphasizing the “ little ” part of Little Free Library .
Despite this criticism , Williams ’ compassionate approach has been hailed a rousing success within her community .
“ Normally we just sort of look out of morbid curiosity to see what new Dean Koontz books and religious tracts have been left ” said neighbour Saul Herring @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s become a useful resource for information- when Trump endorsed the consumption of hydroxychloroquine , The library posted a hand written notice advising against this with a list of possible health risks in their plexiglass window .
It even had a little hand drawn butterfly !
” Williams downplayed her actions as something “ everyone [ other than the current President ] would do.
” She also added that she is hoping to increase her response by tacking up a list of fun and safe activities for the neighbourhood kids to the side @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at least 2,000 COVID-19 tests a day .

Eugene, OR- Following mounting concern for public safety during the current pandemic, a local Little Free Library is paving the way for appropriate crisis management after issuing a more comprehensive Covid-19 strategy than the current White House administration.
“As soon as we realized the risk the virus posed to our community, we sprang into action,” said Diane Williams, steward of the small box she put on her front lawn and filled with books people can borrow at their leisure. “In early march, while Trump was downplaying the severity of the virus, we taped a bottle of hand sanitizer to the side and we’ve continued to update our policies as our knowledge of the virus expands.”
While the White House continues to ignore CDC guidelines and push towards reopening states, Willams’ hand painted 3X3 foot book container has become a bastion of information and safety measures. While continuing to serve as a trading post for the neighbourhood’s unwanted golf manuals and self-published Twilight erotica, the library has also begun leaving six feet markers on the sidewalk so visitors can practice physical distancing as well as offering curb side pick-up.
When reached for comment, U.S. President Donald Trump was quick to downplay the importance of Williams’ efforts, calling her quaint, handmade structure a “shack” and annoyingly over-emphasizing the “little” part of Little Free Library. Despite this criticism, Williams’ compassionate approach has been hailed a rousing success within her community.
“Normally we just sort of look out of morbid curiosity to see what new Dean Koontz books and religious tracts have been left” said neighbour Saul Herring. “But now, it’s become a useful resource for information- when Trump endorsed the consumption of hydroxychloroquine, The library posted a hand written notice advising against this with a list of possible health risks in their plexiglass window. It even had a little hand drawn butterfly!”
Williams downplayed her actions as something “everyone [other than the current President] would do.” She also added that she is hoping to increase her response by tacking up a list of fun and safe activities for the neighbourhood kids to the side of the library, and by administering at least 2,000 COVID-19 tests a day.