thebeaverton--2020-01-21--BREAKING: Woman who has absorbed decades of unhinged misogynist vitriol does not like one guy

WASHINGTON D.C. — Following reports of Hillary Clinton ’ s strong criticisms of Bernie Sanders ’ campaign and career , the nation has been staggered by the news that a woman who has endured 30 years of profound , untempered woman-hating rage from all corners of the globe , disapproves of one dude .
“ I just can ’ t understand why she ’ d feel the need to lash out , ” said Bernice Vewlin of Cleveland , of a woman who , during the 2016 election , was routinely impersonated at rallies by lookalikes in cages at whom @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t she see that this isn ’ t about her ?
” “ The Democratic Party needs to come together and rise above petty criticisms , ” said Tom Quint of Charlotte about Clinton who , in 1997 was criticized for not being sexually alluring enough to prevent her husband from engaging in the infidelity that got him impeached .
“ Like , ever heard of taking the high ground ?
” “ Honestly , if you can ’ t just put your emotions aside and do the job [ of being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bother to try ?
” Quint added , referring to a woman who wrote her LSAT exam through shouted accusations that her succeeding would result in her competitors getting drafted .
“ I mean , come on , ” said Leon Womip of Tulsa , Oklahoma , of Clinton , who has been routinely lambasted over decades for being inauthentic and guarded .
“ Does she think anybody cares what her real beliefs are—can ’ t she just think of what ’ s best for the party ?
” “ And why get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not like he benefited from this at all !
” Womip added , referring to a centuries-long disgust for ambitious women that millions of Americans have fixated squarely onto Clinton .
Clinton , reached for comment , is reportedly horrified that you don ’ t like her anymore .

WASHINGTON D.C. — Following reports of Hillary Clinton’s strong criticisms of Bernie Sanders’ campaign and career, the nation has been staggered by the news that a woman who has endured 30 years of profound, untempered woman-hating rage from all corners of the globe, disapproves of one dude.
“I just can’t understand why she’d feel the need to lash out,” said Bernice Vewlin of Cleveland, of a woman who, during the 2016 election, was routinely impersonated at rallies by lookalikes in cages at whom attendees could hurl abuse. “Can’t she see that this isn’t about her?”
“The Democratic Party needs to come together and rise above petty criticisms,” said Tom Quint of Charlotte about Clinton who, in 1997 was criticized for not being sexually alluring enough to prevent her husband from engaging in the infidelity that got him impeached. “Like, ever heard of taking the high ground?”
“Honestly, if you can’t just put your emotions aside and do the job [of being a retired politician] then why even bother to try?” Quint added, referring to a woman who wrote her LSAT exam through shouted accusations that her succeeding would result in her competitors getting drafted.
“I mean, come on,” said Leon Womip of Tulsa, Oklahoma, of Clinton, who has been routinely lambasted over decades for being inauthentic and guarded. “Does she think anybody cares what her real beliefs are—can’t she just think of what’s best for the party?”
“And why get mad at Bernie? It’s not like he benefited from this at all!” Womip added, referring to a centuries-long disgust for ambitious women that millions of Americans have fixated squarely onto Clinton.
Clinton, reached for comment, is reportedly horrified that you don’t like her anymore.


thebeaverton--2020-01-21--Sanders campaign relieved to have dodged Clinton endorsement

WASHINGTON , DC – Following revelations in a new documentary that Hillary Clinton does not support Bernie Sanders , the Sanders campaign office has responded with great relief that they have managed to avoid their greatest potential threat to securing the 2020 Democratic nomination .
“ Bernie has been polling very well , but everybody on Team Sanders knew that we were one Clinton endorsement away from losing everything , ” stated senior campaign official Ron McMeel .
“ We already avoided the threat of a New York Times endorsement , so now everybody here at headquarters has decided to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and get day drunk.
” Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders were adversaries in 2016 , and many political analysts expected their past rivalry to lead Clinton to sabotage the Sanders campaign by endorsing it .
“ Thankfully , much like when Hillary put aside her past differences with President Obama to serve as his Secretary of State , ” explained McMeel , “ she was able to look past the fact that Sanders was once her opponent in order to provide today ’ s pivotal un-dorsement.
” In related news , Joe Biden @ @ @ @ @ @ @ endorsement from Clinton , and has offered to “ hug her for as long as it takes ” to get one .

WASHINGTON, DC – Following revelations in a new documentary that Hillary Clinton does not support Bernie Sanders, the Sanders campaign office has responded with great relief that they have managed to avoid their greatest potential threat to securing the 2020 Democratic nomination.
“Bernie has been polling very well, but everybody on Team Sanders knew that we were one Clinton endorsement away from losing everything,” stated senior campaign official Ron McMeel. “We already avoided the threat of a New York Times endorsement, so now everybody here at headquarters has decided to take the rest of the afternoon off and get day drunk.”
Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders were adversaries in 2016, and many political analysts expected their past rivalry to lead Clinton to sabotage the Sanders campaign by endorsing it.
“Thankfully, much like when Hillary put aside her past differences with President Obama to serve as his Secretary of State,” explained McMeel, “she was able to look past the fact that Sanders was once her opponent in order to provide today’s pivotal un-dorsement.”
In related news, Joe Biden is reported to be actively seeking an endorsement from Clinton, and has offered to “hug her for as long as it takes” to get one.


thebeaverton--2020-01-21--Fairweather Raptors fans excited for whenever the season starts

TORONTO – From coast to coast to coast , fans of the NBA Champion Toronto Raptors who started following the team during last year ’ s historic playoff run are expressing excitement for the start of the NBA season , even though none of them have any idea when that will be .
“ I love the Raptors !
” said St Catharines native Kyle Renshaw .
“ I got on board when Kawhi got that sweet four bounce bucket and never looked back !
He is my favourite player !
When does he start playing again ?
” Kyle @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and he knew Kawhi had been traded to the Lakers months ago .
“ I think they must start in May , ” guessed June Stevenson of Ajax while wearing a Raptors ‘ Champions ’ hat .
“ It ’ s a summertime sport , right ?
They wear shorts .
And they don ’ t want to conflict with the hockey season.
” Other fans described being excited to watch a full season for the first time , from “ the first game to when they award the Basketball Stanley Cup @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the players , whether it is the “ short one ” , “ the goofy looking one ” , or “ Vince Carter ” .
Fairweather fans have already started gathering in impromptu Jurassic Parks around the country in anticipation of the first game of the season , and Dan Ryerson , the leader of one such gathering in Brantford , said he couldn ’ t wait for the basketball to start , although he did admit that most of the time he just “ squinted his eyes and pretended it was the @ @ @

TORONTO – From coast to coast to coast, fans of the NBA Champion Toronto Raptors who started following the team during last year’s historic playoff run are expressing excitement for the start of the NBA season, even though none of them have any idea when that will be.
“I love the Raptors!” said St Catharines native Kyle Renshaw. “I got on board when Kawhi got that sweet four bounce bucket and never looked back! He is my favourite player! When does he start playing again?” Kyle then explained that he was only joking, and he knew Kawhi had been traded to the Lakers months ago.
“I think they must start in May,” guessed June Stevenson of Ajax while wearing a Raptors ‘Champions’ hat. “It’s a summertime sport, right? They wear shorts. And they don’t want to conflict with the hockey season.”
Other fans described being excited to watch a full season for the first time, from “the first game to when they award the Basketball Stanley Cup,” and really get to know the players, whether it is the “short one”, “the goofy looking one”, or “Vince Carter”.
Fairweather fans have already started gathering in impromptu Jurassic Parks around the country in anticipation of the first game of the season, and Dan Ryerson, the leader of one such gathering in Brantford, said he couldn’t wait for the basketball to start, although he did admit that most of the time he just “squinted his eyes and pretended it was the Leafs.”


thebeaverton--2020-01-21--Harry fired from temp job after giving too many inspirational speeches at drive thru window

VICTORIA – The Duke of Sussex ’ s employment at a local Tim Hortons was terminated today after he repeatedly gave customers long , uplifting speeches about their important role in society .
The assistant manager was willing to give the Prince a shot at new job since he was fleeing his oppressive family and ruthless British press while trying to take care of wife and child at his $ 14 million Vancouver Island mansion .
However , Harry was fired within hours .
“ Thank you for choosing Tim Hortons , and thank you for being who you are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ face today , ” said Harry from the intercom speaker to a customer .
“ Just know that you are not alone in your struggles to choose from the menu .
We are doing whatever we can to support you in your breakfast choices.
” Approximately 30 cars idled in the drive thru line , but the Queen ’ s grandson continued to motivate every single one of his patrons .
“ We truly admire your dedication to the service of your community , ” said the Duke to a police officer ordering @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Law enforcement can be a dangerous and thankless job , but I want you to know that we at Tim Hortons appreciate the brave men and women who keep us safe with the selfless actions which you perform every day .
You make a difference in everyone ’ s lives and we hope that his double-double and sugary pastry will serve you well .
That will be $ 3.25 , please.
” Within two hours of his first shift , Harry had only served a total of twelve customers and spent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ address about youth leadership which earned him a standing ovation among regulars in the coffee shop along with a 75 cent tip .
“ God , he took forever to get me a single coffee , ” said one customer served by the man sixth in line to the British throne , “ but I do feel a whole lot better about myself .
And he ’ s right about the importance of believing in each other and pursuing what we want to do in life.
” The customer quickly changed his opinion @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I said two creams , not two milks !
For chrissakes !
Can ’ t he do anything right ?
”

VICTORIA – The Duke of Sussex’s employment at a local Tim Hortons was terminated today after he repeatedly gave customers long, uplifting speeches about their important role in society.
The assistant manager was willing to give the Prince a shot at new job since he was fleeing his oppressive family and ruthless British press while trying to take care of wife and child at his $14 million Vancouver Island mansion. However, Harry was fired within hours.
“Thank you for choosing Tim Hortons, and thank you for being who you are and overcoming any adversity that you may face today,” said Harry from the intercom speaker to a customer. “Just know that you are not alone in your struggles to choose from the menu. We are doing whatever we can to support you in your breakfast choices.”
Approximately 30 cars idled in the drive thru line, but the Queen’s grandson continued to motivate every single one of his patrons.
“We truly admire your dedication to the service of your community,” said the Duke to a police officer ordering a honey cruller and a large coffee. “Law enforcement can be a dangerous and thankless job, but I want you to know that we at Tim Hortons appreciate the brave men and women who keep us safe with the selfless actions which you perform every day. You make a difference in everyone’s lives and we hope that his double-double and sugary pastry will serve you well. That will be $3.25, please.”
Within two hours of his first shift, Harry had only served a total of twelve customers and spent most of his time giving a stirring address about youth leadership which earned him a standing ovation among regulars in the coffee shop along with a 75 cent tip.
“God, he took forever to get me a single coffee,” said one customer served by the man sixth in line to the British throne, “but I do feel a whole lot better about myself. And he’s right about the importance of believing in each other and pursuing what we want to do in life.”
The customer quickly changed his opinion upon taking a sip from his coffee.
“I said two creams, not two milks! For chrissakes! Can’t he do anything right?”


thebeaverton--2020-01-22--Huawei paid us $150 to write this article calling for the acquittal of Meng Wangzhou

VANCOUVER – Tens of thousands of Canadians came out to a Vancouver courthouse to show their support of Meng Wangzhou after we were paid $ 150 by Huawei to write this article .
“ Free Meng now !
” chanted the protesters who were their on their own volition with no financial incentive , many of them admirers of Meng who longed for the Canadian justice system to end this brutal oppression of an innocent citizen of China .
Or at least that ’ s what we ’ re reporting .
“ Trump stop bullying us !
Bring Michael home @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pictures using their new HUAWEI P30 PRO smartphone including the 6.47 inch OLED Dewdrop display which captured images of the show of solidarity with stunning clarity .
“ She has committed no crime.
” Other protesters held signs claiming that Huawei should be allowed to construct all of Canada ’ s 5G network .
“ Canada trusts a reliable and efficient company , like the maker of the HUAWEI MediaPad M5 lite , featuring a brilliant 10.1-inch 1080p display so you will not miss a thing while watching your favourite movies or playing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so full of hope that Canada will let Meng free .
“ We have no case and are wasting taxpayers dollars , ” said the Crown prosecutor who was trying to extradite the former CFO of Huawei to the US to face fraud charges .
“ I made all my notes for this case using my HUAWEI MateBook X Pro.
” An Angus-Reid poll indicated that 85 % of Canadians want Meng to be immediately acquitted and released , but had we been paid $ 200 , it would be 100 % .

VANCOUVER – Tens of thousands of Canadians came out to a Vancouver courthouse to show their support of Meng Wangzhou after we were paid $150 by Huawei to write this article.
“Free Meng now!” chanted the protesters who were there on their own volition with no financial incentive, many of them admirers of Meng who longed for the Canadian justice system to end this brutal oppression of an innocent citizen of China. Or at least that’s what we’re reporting.
“Trump stop bullying us! Bring Michael home!” shouted the demonstrators while taking pictures using their new HUAWEI P30 PRO smartphone including the 6.47 inch OLED Dewdrop display which captured images of the show of solidarity with stunning clarity. “She has committed no crime.”
Other protesters held signs claiming that Huawei should be allowed to construct all of Canada’s 5G network.
“Canada trusts a reliable and efficient company, like the maker of the HUAWEI MediaPad M5 lite, featuring a brilliant 10.1-inch 1080p display so you will not miss a thing while watching your favourite movies or playing games,” said a bright-eyed youngster so full of hope that Canada will let Meng free.
“We have no case and are wasting taxpayers dollars,” said the Crown prosecutor who was trying to extradite the former CFO of Huawei to the US to face fraud charges. “I made all my notes for this case using my HUAWEI MateBook X Pro.”
An Angus-Reid poll indicated that 85% of Canadians want Meng to be immediately acquitted and released, but had we been paid $200, it would be 100%.


thebeaverton--2020-01-23--Coronavirus inside air passenger excited about Doug Ford’s cuts to public health

SOMEWHERE OVER THE PACIFIC OCEAN – A Coronavirus cell incubating in an air passenger destined for Pearson International Airport is eager to exploit the many ‘ efficiencies ’ in the public health system thanks to Premier Doug Ford ’ s recent cuts .
“ I ’ m expecting a warm welcome with a lack of doctors , nurses , and epidemiologists hassling me , ” said the disease designated as 2019-nCoV .
“ A $ 200 million cut to Toronto ’ s Public Health unit will sure make it easier to get around .
I prefer to travel by foot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cut too.
” The potentially deadly virus said it always wanted to see the CN Tower , Parliament Hill , and other attractions , and have them closed to the public .
“ My cousin , SARS , was able to meet so many people from Ontario back in 2003 thanks in large part to Mike Harris ’ Common Sense Revolution , ” said 2019-nCoV .
“ Too bad he missed the SARSStock .
I heard the Stones were there !
” At press time , the passenger sneezed on three other people @

SOMEWHERE OVER THE PACIFIC OCEAN – A Coronavirus cell incubating in an air passenger destined for Pearson International Airport is eager to exploit the many ‘efficiencies’ in the public health system thanks to Premier Doug Ford’s recent cuts.
“I’m expecting a warm welcome with a lack of doctors, nurses, and epidemiologists hassling me,” said the disease designated as 2019-nCoV. “A $200 million cut to Toronto’s Public Health unit will sure make it easier to get around. I prefer to travel by foot rather than ambulance services since they were cut too.”
The potentially deadly virus said it always wanted to see the CN Tower, Parliament Hill, and other attractions, and have them closed to the public.
“My cousin, SARS, was able to meet so many people from Ontario back in 2003 thanks in large part to Mike Harris’ Common Sense Revolution,” said 2019-nCoV. “Too bad he missed the SARSStock. I heard the Stones were there!”
At press time, the passenger sneezed on three other people.


thebeaverton--2020-01-22--Terry Jones goes to that great giant foot in the sky

LONDON – The world is in mourning today after it was announced that Terry Jones , distinguished actor , director , writer , and member of the beloved comedy team Monty Python , has finally made the final journey to that great giant foot in the sky .
Born in Wales in 1942 , Jones will be fondly remembered for his lifelong pastimes of playing the organ in the nude , sleeping with ladies , and enjoying the occasional juniper berry .
Witnesses described seeing the large , animated foot descend upon Jones just moments before he ascended , accompanied @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a faint whiff of spam .
“ I swear I heard the voice of God booming out as Terry was brought up , ” explained Grant Billingsworth , a devoted fan of Jones who happened to be nearby at the time .
“ He was yelling something about how Mr. Jones shouldn ’ t have eaten that last wafer-thin mint .
Well , I say the man can eat and drink as much as he wants , now .
He deserves nothing more than all the tracts of land in whatever Kingdom is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that while Jones only shuffled off this mortal coil yesterday , he has already reunited with his son Brian , been deemed a very naughty boy by Heaven ’ s other residents , and is currently enjoying banging two hollow coconuts together with fellow Python member Graham Chapman .
Countless grief-stricken fans have fervently expressed the sentiment that Jones is not dead , but merely pining for the fjords .

LONDON – The world is in mourning today after it was announced that Terry Jones, distinguished actor, director, writer, and member of the beloved comedy team Monty Python, has finally made the final journey to that great giant foot in the sky.
Born in Wales in 1942, Jones will be fondly remembered for his lifelong pastimes of playing the organ in the nude, sleeping with ladies, and enjoying the occasional juniper berry.
Witnesses described seeing the large, animated foot descend upon Jones just moments before he ascended, accompanied by a comically loud fart noise and a faint whiff of spam.
“I swear I heard the voice of God booming out as Terry was brought up,” explained Grant Billingsworth, a devoted fan of Jones who happened to be nearby at the time. “He was yelling something about how Mr. Jones shouldn’t have eaten that last wafer-thin mint. Well, I say the man can eat and drink as much as he wants, now. He deserves nothing more than all the tracts of land in whatever Kingdom is up there.”
It has been reported that while Jones only shuffled off this mortal coil yesterday, he has already reunited with his son Brian, been deemed a very naughty boy by Heaven’s other residents, and is currently enjoying banging two hollow coconuts together with fellow Python member Graham Chapman.
Countless grief-stricken fans have fervently expressed the sentiment that Jones is not dead, but merely pining for the fjords.


thebeaverton--2020-01-22--World Economic Forum in Davos experiencing crippling top hat shortage

DAVOS-KLOSTERS , SWITZERLAND – The latest annual meeting of the World Economic Forum has descended into chaos and anger due to a shortage of top hats and other necessary plutocrat accoutrements .
“ What am I supposed to do , wear white tie and a tailcoat without a top hat ?
” a shaken Bill Gates said as the top hat shortage entered its third day .
“ How can we possibly be expected to continue to use our wealth and power make all the decisions regarding the future of the entire planet in such dire conditions ?
” The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ most influential individuals at a small resort town in Switzerland has had its share of unpleasantness in the past , like the infamous champagne cork blindings of ’ 97 and the numerous dead bodies that always turn up during the spring thaw , but never has the forum experienced such a failure on a logistical level .
“ The problem was a clerical error which assumed that half of the participants would be women who don ’ t need top hats , when historically the highest level of female participation has been 22 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Moneyton III .
“ We want to assure all of our guests that the low-level computer programmer we are blaming for all of the mistakes this year will himself never be allowed to wear a top hat again , a fate we are confident is worse than death.
” While rioting has been kept to a minimum thanks to round the clock concerts given by increasingly exhausted A-list musical acts , that hasn ’ t stopped attendees from airing their grievances on social media , as one billionaire mused on Twitter that attending @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ worse than a thousand Holocausts.
” In other WEF news , U.S. President Donald Trump received the longest standing ovation in the history of the forum after claiming that he invented money .

DAVOS-KLOSTERS, SWITZERLAND – The latest annual meeting of the World Economic Forum has descended into chaos and anger due to a shortage of top hats and other necessary plutocrat accoutrements.
“What am I supposed to do, wear white tie and a tailcoat without a top hat?” a shaken Bill Gates said as the top hat shortage entered its third day. “How can we possibly be expected to continue to use our wealth and power make all the decisions regarding the future of the entire planet in such dire conditions?”
The annual gathering of the world’s most influential individuals at a small resort town in Switzerland has had its share of unpleasantness in the past, like the infamous champagne cork blindings of ’97 and the numerous dead bodies that always turn up during the spring thaw, but never has the forum experienced such a failure on a logistical level.
“The problem was a clerical error which assumed that half of the participants would be women who don’t need top hats, when historically the highest level of female participation has been 22%,” said WEF organizer Johan Moneyton III. “We want to assure all of our guests that the low-level computer programmer we are blaming for all of the mistakes this year will himself never be allowed to wear a top hat again, a fate we are confident is worse than death.”
While rioting has been kept to a minimum thanks to round the clock concerts given by increasingly exhausted A-list musical acts, that hasn’t stopped attendees from airing their grievances on social media, as one billionaire mused on Twitter that attending a gala without a top hat was “worse than a thousand Holocausts.”
In other WEF news, U.S. President Donald Trump received the longest standing ovation in the history of the forum after claiming that he invented money.


thebeaverton--2020-01-22--PM causes economy to crash by purchasing doughnuts from local business instead of Brazilian investme

PM causes economy to crash by purchasing doughnuts from local business instead of Brazilian investment firm

WINNIPEG – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has obliterated the Canadian economy by purchasing doughnuts at a local business instead of the country ’ s largest chain of quick service restaurants owned by a Brazilian investment firm , early reports suggest .
Economists are calling the move a “ reckless decision that will long determine the fate of this country.
” “ If it wasn ’ t for his blatant elitism in purchasing the doughnuts at $ 3 a piece instead of a much cheaper $ 1.25 , we wouldn ’ t be in this economic catastrophe , ” said Yandy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ His contempt for the working man has caused Depression !
Trudeau was only thinking about himself instead of our hardworking international conglomerates who employ tens of thousands of exploited minimum wage employees.
” The TSX dropped by 10,000 points , unemployment reached 50 % , and breadlines formed throughout the country ’ s cities after the news broke that Trudeau had “ the gall to order 7 boxes of fancy doughnuts since he thinks he ’ s better than most Canadians.
” Finance Canada has reported that the entire $ 355.6 billion budget @ @ @ @ @ @ @ confections while funding Canada ’ s social programs , the military , and the very future of Canada ’ s children is gone .
All gone .

WINNIPEG – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has obliterated the Canadian economy by purchasing doughnuts at a local business instead of the country’s largest chain of quick service restaurants owned by a Brazilian investment firm, early reports suggest.
Economists are calling the move a “reckless decision that will long determine the fate of this country.”
“If it wasn’t for his blatant elitism in purchasing the doughnuts at $3 a piece instead of a much cheaper $1.25, we wouldn’t be in this economic catastrophe,” said Yandy Harlington of TD Bank Investments. “His contempt for the working man has caused Depression! Trudeau was only thinking about himself instead of our hardworking international conglomerates who employ tens of thousands of exploited minimum wage employees.”
The TSX dropped by 10,000 points, unemployment reached 50%, and breadlines formed throughout the country’s cities after the news broke that Trudeau had “the gall to order 7 boxes of fancy doughnuts since he thinks he’s better than most Canadians.”
Finance Canada has reported that the entire $355.6 billion budget has been spent on the fried dough confections while funding Canada’s social programs, the military, and the very future of Canada’s children is gone. All gone.


thebeaverton--2020-01-23--Quaker Oats announces that Cap’n Crunch has died as the result of auto-erotic asphyxiation

CHICAGO – Quaker Oats informed the public today that Cap ’ n Crunch , the cheerful cereal mascot who has been delighting children since 1963 , is dead as a result of accidentally hanging himself while attempting to achieve a more powerful orgasm during masturbation .
“ Horatio Magellan Crunch , known to the public as Cap ’ n , is no longer with us following an ill-advised bout of unsupervised hypoxyphilia , ” Quaker Oats tweeted this morning .
“ Our thoughts and prayers go out to him , his family , and his crew.
” It isn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s first attempt at self asphyxiophilia or if the Cap ’ n was an old hand at the practice .
All that is currently known is that Crunch was found hanging by his ceremonial sword belt in his quarters on board his ship , The Guppy .
Foul play has been definitively ruled out following an exhaustive inquiry by NCIS ( the Naval Cereal Investigative Service ) .
“ We ask that people remember our friend the Cap ’ n not by how he died , but by how he lived , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ And please , if you ’ re going to engage in solo breath play , take all the necessary precautions to ensure your safety .
That ’ s what the Cap ’ n would want.
” In lieu of flowers , Quaker Oats is asking that people who want to celebrate Crunch ’ s life purchase a commemorative bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup , which , according to investigators , was the object the Cap ’ n was staring at as he passed .

CHICAGO – Quaker Oats informed the public today that Cap’n Crunch, the cheerful cereal mascot who has been delighting children since 1963, is dead as a result of accidentally hanging himself while attempting to achieve a more powerful orgasm during masturbation.
“Horatio Magellan Crunch, known to the public as Cap’n, is no longer with us following an ill-advised bout of unsupervised hypoxyphilia,” Quaker Oats tweeted this morning. “Our thoughts and prayers go out to him, his family, and his crew.”
It isn’t clear whether this was Crunch’s first attempt at self asphyxiophilia or if the Cap’n was an old hand at the practice. All that is currently known is that Crunch was found hanging by his ceremonial sword belt in his quarters on board his ship, The Guppy. Foul play has been definitively ruled out following an exhaustive inquiry by NCIS (the Naval Cereal Investigative Service).
“We ask that people remember our friend the Cap’n not by how he died, but by how he lived,” Quaker Oats said in a follow-up tweet. “And please, if you’re going to engage in solo breath play, take all the necessary precautions to ensure your safety. That’s what the Cap’n would want.”
In lieu of flowers, Quaker Oats is asking that people who want to celebrate Crunch’s life purchase a commemorative bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup, which, according to investigators, was the object the Cap’n was staring at as he passed.


thebeaverton--2020-01-24--Poll-leading Ontario Liberals delay selecting leader until after 2022 provincial election

TORONTO – The Liberal Party of Ontario has announced that it will hold off selecting a leader until the 2022 provincial election is over .
The pocket-sized party whose entire caucus can fit comfortably inside a Dodge Caravan was expected to vote on a leader in March , but have since changed their minds after seeing the party with a four point lead over the Tories and even more ahead of the NDP .
“ We have done a lot of work by allowing Doug Ford and his PCs to self-destruct , ” said interim leader John Fraser .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the perks of going to restaurants with all of the Liberal MPPs and not having to pay a mandatory tip because we ’ re not considered a large party.
” Party leadership candidates agreed that knowing who was going to lead the party and specific policies they would champion are questions that should be answered after voters put them back in office .
“ We are likeable when no one knows who we are or what we stand for , ” explained leadership hopeful Steven Del Duca to members of the press .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
Neither do I !
But if we keep holding off on choosing a leader , there ’ s a good chance one of us will be premier.
” In lieu of an actual leader for the leadership debates , the Liberals will just let Premier Ford talk .

TORONTO – The Liberal Party of Ontario has announced that it will hold off selecting a leader until the 2022 provincial election is over.
The pocket-sized party whose entire caucus can fit comfortably inside a Dodge Caravan was expected to vote on a leader in March, but have since changed their minds after seeing the party with a four point lead over the Tories and even more ahead of the NDP.
“We have done a lot of work by allowing Doug Ford and his PCs to self-destruct,” said interim leader John Fraser. “Plus, I’m really enjoying the perks of going to restaurants with all of the Liberal MPPs and not having to pay a mandatory tip because we’re not considered a large party.”
Party leadership candidates agreed that knowing who was going to lead the party and specific policies they would champion are questions that should be answered after voters put them back in office.
“We are likeable when no one knows who we are or what we stand for,” explained leadership hopeful Steven Del Duca to members of the press. “Do you know who I am? Neither do I! But if we keep holding off on choosing a leader, there’s a good chance one of us will be premier.”
In lieu of an actual leader for the leadership debates, the Liberals will just let Premier Ford talk.


thebeaverton--2020-01-24--TTC to replace shuttle buses with being pushed off cliff in barrel full of eels

TORONTO – The Toronto Transit Commission announced plans today to replace their unpopular shuttle bus system with thousands of barrels stuffed with wriggling carnivorous fish .
Officials promise the eel barrels will be just as crowded as the shuttle buses brought in to replace disrupted subway service , and will offer the same amount of exposure to bodily fluids and unexplained bite marks , all while making residents even later for work .
A TTC spokesperson explained the reason behind the changes .
“ After disturbing reports found some customers ’ personal space was only moderately infringed on , we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ individual the same seventh-circle-of-hell experience.
” One study found that up to ten percent of shuttle-bus riders exited the bus with shreds of their basic human dignity intact , a number that was reduced to zero percent after forty-five minutes breathing in eel juice while travelling only one station closer to your destination .
The city claims that being pushed off a cliff will offer nearly the same jolt as a shuttle bus screeching to a stop , and the eels are a win for taxpayers as well , because they do not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sourcing the eels from Bombardier , the TTC announced that they ’ re expected in Fall 2030 .
The TTC spokesperson then added , “ Unfortunately , the transit that was going to take you to the cliff is broken down , so you have to ride a second shuttle bus to the cliff.
” Early tests of the eel project revealed that many commuters actually preferred being trapped in a dark , cold space with dozens of slippery monsters to a shuttle bus trip , so the new barrels will also pair @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s shame as they compete for the limited air supply .
TTC rider Geoff Mornton enthused , “ After being stuffing inside a barrel of of eels for a full three hours , I emerged somehow less moist than I did when I rode the shuttle bus .
And it ’ s definitely a step up from the Presto system.
” Premier Doug Ford is currently under investigation after allegations that the eels selected to fill the barrels are his close family friends .

TORONTO – The Toronto Transit Commission announced plans today to replace their unpopular shuttle bus system with thousands of barrels stuffed with wriggling carnivorous fish.
Officials promise the eel barrels will be just as crowded as the shuttle buses brought in to replace disrupted subway service, and will offer the same amount of exposure to bodily fluids and unexplained bite marks, all while making residents even later for work.
A TTC spokesperson explained the reason behind the changes. “After disturbing reports found some customers’ personal space was only moderately infringed on, we’re cracking down to offer each individual the same seventh-circle-of-hell experience.”
One study found that up to ten percent of shuttle-bus riders exited the bus with shreds of their basic human dignity intact, a number that was reduced to zero percent after forty-five minutes breathing in eel juice while travelling only one station closer to your destination.
The city claims that being pushed off a cliff will offer nearly the same jolt as a shuttle bus screeching to a stop, and the eels are a win for taxpayers as well, because they do not have to pay them overtime. After sourcing the eels from Bombardier, the TTC announced that they’re expected in Fall 2030.
The TTC spokesperson then added, “Unfortunately, the transit that was going to take you to the cliff is broken down, so you have to ride a second shuttle bus to the cliff.”
Early tests of the eel project revealed that many commuters actually preferred being trapped in a dark, cold space with dozens of slippery monsters to a shuttle bus trip, so the new barrels will also pair riders together, to witness each other’s shame as they compete for the limited air supply.
TTC rider Geoff Mornton enthused, “After being stuffing inside a barrel of of eels for a full three hours, I emerged somehow less moist than I did when I rode the shuttle bus. And it’s definitely a step up from the Presto system.”
Premier Doug Ford is currently under investigation after allegations that the eels selected to fill the barrels are his close family friends.


thebeaverton--2020-01-24--Pierre Poilievre drops out of Conservative leadership race after failing Turing test

OTTAWA – Pierre Poilievre has dropped out of the Conservative leadership racer after failing the Turing test all of the party ’ s leadership candidates must pass to become party leader .
“ The carbon tax has been proven to fail , ” said Poilievre in a Facebook post .
“ When it comes to our relationship with China , our Prime Minister is naïve .
Exiting now.
” Under the rules for the party ’ s leadership contest , candidates are required to pay an entry fee of $ 200,000 , a refundable compliance fee of $ 100,000 , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ members from 30 Electoral District Associations , in at least seven provinces or territories , and prove they can imitate the thought processes of a sentient human being .
“ The challenge for the candidates is to demonstrate distinctly human qualities such as empathy and aesthetic sensibility , ” explained Dr. Sam Kilkenny , head researcher at the Conservative Party Discipline Laboratory .
“ Our observers were able to rule out the latter the moment they saw him , and as for the former – well , he ranked beneath our three lowest @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Siri , and Paul Calandra.
” In blind tests , researchers were unable to distinguish Poilievre ’ s answers to a series of questions from a transcript of the Conservative Party ’ s Facebook page .
In one instance , in response to the question “ how does a smiling child eating ice cream make you feel ?
” , Poilievre answered “ Stop Justin Trudeau ’ s made-in-Canada recession ” .
He was also unable to determine which of a series of photos contained crosswalks and traffic lights .
The test @ @ @ @ @ @ @ leadership candidates since it was implemented .
According to party scientists , Andrew Scheer “ just barely ” passed , and they were also “ pretty sure ” that former prime minister Stephen Harper cheated .
“ It ’ s important to emphasize that this test only determines if they can passably imitate thinking equivalent to that of a human , ” added Kilkenny .
“ We don ’ t test to see if that capability is genuinely there , as it is unnecessary for the vast majority of MPs .
”

OTTAWA – Pierre Poilievre has dropped out of the Conservative leadership racer after failing the Turing test all of the party’s leadership candidates must pass to become party leader.
“The carbon tax has been proven to fail,” said Poilievre in a Facebook post. “When it comes to our relationship with China, our Prime Minister is naïve. Exiting now.”
Under the rules for the party’s leadership contest, candidates are required to pay an entry fee of $200,000, a refundable compliance fee of $100,000, obtain signatures from at least 3,000 party members from 30 Electoral District Associations, in at least seven provinces or territories, and prove they can imitate the thought processes of a sentient human being.
“The challenge for the candidates is to demonstrate distinctly human qualities such as empathy and aesthetic sensibility,” explained Dr. Sam Kilkenny, head researcher at the Conservative Party Discipline Laboratory. “Our observers were able to rule out the latter the moment they saw him, and as for the former – well, he ranked beneath our three lowest scoring subjects to date: Google Assistant, Siri, and Paul Calandra.”
In blind tests, researchers were unable to distinguish Poilievre’s answers to a series of questions from a transcript of the Conservative Party’s Facebook page.
In one instance, in response to the question “how does a smiling child eating ice cream make you feel?”, Poilievre answered “Stop Justin Trudeau’s made-in-Canada recession”. He was also unable to determine which of a series of photos contained crosswalks and traffic lights.
The test has become a challenging hurdle for Conservative leadership candidates since it was implemented. According to party scientists, Andrew Scheer “just barely” passed, and they were also “pretty sure” that former prime minister Stephen Harper cheated.
“It’s important to emphasize that this test only determines if they can passably imitate thinking equivalent to that of a human,” added Kilkenny. “We don’t test to see if that capability is genuinely there, as it is unnecessary for the vast majority of MPs.”


thebeaverton--2020-01-25--Anti-abortion protesters backed by world’s biggest baby

WASHINGTON D.C. – Anti-abortion protesters were overjoyed at the March for Life rally to receive vocal support from the world ’ s biggest baby .
In his 295th trimester , the loud , 6 ’ 2 ” infant ran on stage attracted by the loud noises and the hope that people would pay attention to him .
His support of the event excited many protesters who believe having someone in the White House with a manic temper and willingness to defy anyone who tells him no will see Roe vs Wade overturned .
Years of public tantrums have ingratiated him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ good to hear the leader of the free world agree that a group of cells have more potential than any living woman , ” said Evelyn Lancaster .
“ And when he starts screaming , and waving his little fingees , I just wan na squish those big leathery cheeks !
” Access to abortion is one of the biggest issues for many evangelical voters who believe that thoughts and prayers should be the first and only option for women seeking reproductive healthcare .
The big baby ’ s decision to suckle clinics @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and appoint conversative babysitters in the federal court system have made him the favourite child to millions of far-right Americans .
March for Life president Jeanne Mancini praised the cheese-stained cherub and his big bad administration for being consistent champions for life and strategic campaigners for the 2020 presidential race .
“ Why can ’ t we talk about stripping women of their rights like civil adults ?
” asks Meghan Gleecken , who believes a woman ’ s right to choose starts and ends in the voting booth .
“ I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ baby but I am anti-choice and democracy is about voting based on a single issue that will impact 300 million people I will never meet.
” At press time Trump was a grumpy gus after playing big boy for 45 minutes and needed to be put down for his afternoon nap .

WASHINGTON D.C. – Anti-abortion protesters were overjoyed at the March for Life rally to receive vocal support from the world’s biggest baby.
In his 295th trimester, the loud, 6’2” infant ran on stage attracted by the loud noises and the hope that people would pay attention to him. His support of the event excited many protesters who believe having someone in the White House with a manic temper and willingness to defy anyone who tells him no will see Roe vs Wade overturned. Years of public tantrums have ingratiated him with anti-abortion groups.
“It feels good to hear the leader of the free world agree that a group of cells have more potential than any living woman,” said Evelyn Lankaster. “And when he starts screaming, and waving his little fingees, I just wanna squish those big leathery cheeks!”
Access to abortion is one of the biggest issues for many evangelical voters who believe that thoughts and prayers should be the first and only option for women seeking reproductive healthcare. The big baby’s decision to suckle clinics and foreign organizations dry of government funding and appoint conversative babysitters in the federal court system have made him the favourite child to millions of far-right Americans. March for Life president Jeanne Mancini praised the cheese-stained cherub and his big bad administration for being consistent champions for life and strategic campaigners for the 2020 presidential race.
“Why can’t we talk about stripping women of their rights like civil adults?” asks Meghan Gleecken, who believes a woman’s right to choose starts and ends in the voting booth. “I’m not necessarily pro-world’s biggest baby but I am anti-choice and democracy is about voting based on a single issue that will impact 300 million people I will never meet.”
At press time Trump was a grumpy gus after playing big boy for 45 minutes and needed to be put down for his afternoon nap.


thebeaverton--2020-01-25--Climate change speeding up just to get this over with

GENEVA – An alarming report released by the World Meteorological Organization has revealed that climate change is speeding up to just get this all over with .
“ Human activity got the ball rolling , but now climate change is just going for it , ” says Dr. Frederick King of Oxford University , “ It ’ s ripping off that band-aid and increasing to 2° beyond pre-industrial levels fast , because who wants to deal with any of this anymore ?
” King reports that by “ get this over with ” , climate change most certainly means “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we know it ” .
He then pointed to melting permafrost releasing large amounts of deadly carbon into the atmosphere .
“ The climate is just going absolutely balls to the wall to get this done.
” Other tipping points include melting ice-sheets , forest dieback , and climate change doing the equivalent of getting out of bed to go to work .
“ It ’ s like when you have bad sex , ” added King , “ everyone involved just wants to get things overwith and go to bed.
” No @ @ @ @ @ @ @ climate change hurry .
“ It ’ s clearly going for mass extinction ” says Dr Teresa Velázquez , “ But is it killing us off as fast as possible because it wants a utopia for cockroaches and sightless cave fish , or because it really hates trees ?
Or maybe it ’ s just an asshole ?
“ I ’ m not sure , but I ’ m doing my best to befriend all the sightless cave fish I come across ” .
Reached for comment , climate change confirmed its plans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I sent you guys Al Gore and no one listened , ” explained the vast and complex ecological system .
“ Now that we ’ re past the point of no return , what ’ s the point in dragging it out ?
Time for a sky-earthquake – by the way , it turns out water actually can catch fire.
” Scientists believe our best chance of survival is to inspire the climate with an example of procrastination by showing it the global response to climate change .

GENEVA – An alarming report released by the World Meteorological Organization has revealed that climate change is speeding up to just get this all over with.
“Human activity got the ball rolling, but now climate change is just going for it,” says Dr. Frederick King of Oxford University, “It’s ripping off that band-aid and increasing to 2° beyond pre-industrial levels fast, because who wants to deal with any of this anymore?”
King reports that by “get this over with”, climate change most certainly means “exterminate all life on the planet as we know it”. He then pointed to melting permafrost releasing large amounts of deadly carbon into the atmosphere. “The climate is just going absolutely balls to the wall to get this done.”
Other tipping points include melting ice-sheets, forest dieback, and climate change doing the equivalent of getting out of bed to go to work. “It’s like when you have bad sex,” added King, “everyone involved just wants to get things overwith and go to bed.”
No one is sure what’s making climate change hurry. “It’s clearly going for mass extinction” says Dr Teresa Velázquez, “But is it killing us off as fast as possible because it wants a utopia for cockroaches and sightless cave fish, or because it really hates trees? Or maybe it’s just an asshole?
“I’m not sure, but I’m doing my best to befriend all the sightless cave fish I come across”.
Reached for comment, climate change confirmed its plans to utterly wreck the human race. “I sent you guys Al Gore and no one listened,” explained the vast and complex ecological system. “Now that we’re past the point of no return, what’s the point in dragging it out? Time for a sky-earthquake – by the way, it turns out water actually can catch fire.”
Scientists believe our best chance of survival is to inspire the climate with an example of procrastination by showing it the global response to climate change.


thebeaverton--2020-01-26--Man worried about coronavirus still hasn’t gotten flu shot

TORONTO – Seth Ratcliffe , who has not had a flu vaccine in the last five years , wants to know exactly what the governments of the world and the UN are doing to protect him from the new coronavirus that has emerged in China .
“ Sure , they say the risk of contracting this new coronavirus is low , and the risk of dying from it is even lower , but even a small risk is still a risk , ” Ratcliffe said in the middle of a flu season which has already killed thousands of people .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ that the Chinese and Canadian governments aren ’ t doing everything possible to prevent a pandemic like the SARS outbreak in 2003 that killed 774 people , a number representing approximately 0.0011-0.0026 % of the hundreds of thousands of annual worldwide deaths caused by influenza .
“ I ’ m just really worried about myself and my family , especially my grandma .
I see her all the time and she ’ s so old and frail , I don ’ t think she could survive a potentially deadly illness like this new @ @ @ @ @ @ @ completely susceptible to contract and spread all of the variants of the flu which the vaccine would offer him protection from .
“ I just hope these scientists finally get off their lazy butts and come up with a cure or something , ” Radcliffe remarked on his way to buy toothpaste at the drugstore he visits weekly and which offers flu vaccines .
At press time , Radcliffe was seen writing an angry Facebook rant questioning the government ’ s current quarantine procedures on a public computer at work while rubbing his @ @ @ @ @ @

TORONTO – Seth Radcliffe, who has not had a flu vaccine in the last five years, wants to know exactly what the governments of the world and the UN are doing to protect him from the new coronavirus that has emerged in China.
“Sure, they say the risk of contracting this new coronavirus is low, and the risk of dying from it is even lower, but even a small risk is still a risk,” Radcliffe said in the middle of a flu season which has already killed thousands of people.
Radcliffe, 29, is very concerned that the Chinese and Canadian governments aren’t doing everything possible to prevent a pandemic like the SARS outbreak in 2003 that killed 774 people, a number representing approximately 0.0011-0.0026% of the hundreds of thousands of annual worldwide deaths caused by influenza.
“I’m just really worried about myself and my family, especially my grandma. I see her all the time and she’s so old and frail, I don’t think she could survive a potentially deadly illness like this new coronavirus,” Radcliffe lamented while remaining completely susceptible to contract and spread all of the variants of the flu which the vaccine would offer him protection from.
“I just hope these scientists finally get off their lazy butts and come up with a cure or something,” Radcliffe remarked on his way to buy toothpaste at the drugstore he visits weekly and which offers flu vaccines.
At press time, Radcliffe was seen writing an angry Facebook rant questioning the government’s current quarantine procedures on a public computer at work while rubbing his eyes and touching his mouth.


thebeaverton--2020-01-26--Boyfriend sentenced to daily skincare routine

RICHMOND HILL , ON – A decision rendered by a small claims court has ordered Bryan Ramos to begin implementing a daily skincare routine at the behest of his girlfriend , Vanessa Adeyemi .
“ Although the judge only prescribed a face wash and moisturizer , I believe it ’ s a good start , ” said Adeyemi to a gaggle of reporters .
“ It may be a small step , but it is a step towards a 10 step Korean skincare routine nonetheless.
” Adeyemi filed a damages claim for mental anguish against her boyfriend of 10 months @ @ @ @ @ @ @ only time soap touches his face is when he smashes the bar of soap he uses to wash his ass against his face in the shower .
“ I would appeal the court ’ s ruling but it seems like more trouble than it ’ s worth , plus it seems to make my girlfriend inexplicably and deliriously happy , ” Ramos muttered while soaking a cotton pad in micellar water .
“ Plus she keeps threatening me with various acids… glycolic , salicylic , hyaluronic .
I don ’ t want to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ asked at what point he would be able to stop , Adeyemi ecstatically shrieked , “ When you ’ re dead !
” while slapping a snail mucin serum into her skin .
“ I want to acknowledge the errors of my ways in assuming that taking care of the largest organ of my body was somehow emasculating , ” Ramos read aloud in a prepared statement .
“ Oh and I now also recognize the importance of SPF , even in the wintertime .
Thank you , no questions.
” At press @ @ @ @ @ @ @ against his girlfriend after catching her using his razors to shave her legs again .

RICHMOND HILL, ON – A decision rendered by a small claims court has ordered Bryan Ramos to begin implementing a daily skincare routine at the behest of his girlfriend, Vanessa Adeyemi.
“Although the judge only prescribed a face wash and moisturizer, I believe it’s a good start,” said Adeyemi to a gaggle of reporters. “It may be a small step, but it is a step towards a 10 step Korean skincare routine nonetheless.”
Adeyemi filed a damages claim for mental anguish against her boyfriend of 10 months after he confided to her that the only time soap touches his face is when he smashes the bar of soap he uses to wash his ass against his face in the shower.
“I would appeal the court’s ruling but it seems like more trouble than it’s worth, plus it seems to make my girlfriend inexplicably and deliriously happy,” Ramos muttered while soaking a cotton pad in micellar water. “Plus she keeps threatening me with various acids… glycolic, salicylic, hyaluronic. I don’t want to find out what they do.”
When asked at what point he would be able to stop, Adeyemi ecstatically shrieked, “When you’re dead!” while slapping a snail mucin serum into her skin.
“I want to acknowledge the errors of my ways in assuming that taking care of the largest organ of my body was somehow emasculating,” Ramos read aloud in a prepared statement. “Oh and I now also recognize the importance of SPF, even in the wintertime. Thank you, no questions.”
At press time, Ramos filed his own claim against his girlfriend after catching her using his razors to shave her legs again.


thebeaverton--2020-01-27--Nation’s serial killers offended by how sexualized they are in film and television

LONDON , ON – Recently , several of the nation ’ s most prolific serial killers have come forward to protest the way they are over-sexualized in the media .
“ It seems people would rather drool over us , than respect the actual work we do , ” stated incarcerated serial killer David Berkowitz , AKA “ Son of Sam ” .
“ We just want to be viewed as monsters that people should forget .
But shows like Mindhunter , You , Dirty John , and Dexter continue to portray us as misguided and worthy of empathy , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as sex objects.
” Critics note this trend is especially startling due to the fact that , as far conventional attractiveness , real life serial killers are far below the so-called “ hottie levels ” of actors who portray them on television .
Zac Efron , who CNN reported to be a registered “ stud muffin , ” was reportedly incredibly offended after being shown pictures of the actual Ted Bundy .
“ They had me playing this ugog ?
” stated Efron in adorable disbelief .
“ We are tired of being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Penn Badgley , Cameron Britton , and Anthony Hopkins , ” stated jailed serial killer Edmund Kemper .
“ We want real killers with real bodies on screen .
Large , nerdy , and also horrible monsters devoid of desirability .
I also want to eat your fingers right now , if that ’ s cool ?
” “ All I wanted to do was run for political office , ” said Zodiac Killer Ted Cruz .
“ But what I found happening was people stopped hearing what I was saying , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ saggy body .
In fact , my entire run for president was lost because I simply became something to be sexually desired , rather than someone who deserved respect , ” said the human form of pudding .
In a similar move , foods from around the world have come forward saying that if they are going to star in “ food porn ” , they should be earning porn actor wages .

LONDON, ON – Recently, several of the nation’s most prolific serial killers have come forward to protest the way they are over-sexualized in the media.
“It seems people would rather drool over us, than respect the actual work we do,” stated incarcerated serial killer David Berkowitz, AKA “Son of Sam”. “We just want to be viewed as monsters that people should forget. But shows like Mindhunter, You, Dirty John, and Dexter continue to portray us as misguided and worthy of empathy, which inevitably leads to people desiring us as sex objects.”
“Even I think that’s messed up,” added Berkowitz.
Critics note this trend is especially startling due to the fact that, as far conventional attractiveness, real life serial killers are far below the so-called “hottie levels” of actors who portray them on television. Zac Efron, who CNN reported to be a registered “stud muffin,” was reportedly incredibly offended after being shown pictures of the actual Ted Bundy. “They had me playing this ugog?” stated Efron in adorable disbelief.
“We are tired of being portrayed as boiling sexpots by beefcakes like Penn Badgley, Cameron Britton, and Anthony Hopkins,” stated jailed serial killer Edmund Kemper. “We want real killers with real bodies on screen. Large, nerdy, and also horrible monsters devoid of desirability. I also want to eat your fingers right now, if that’s cool?”
“All I wanted to do was run for political office,” said Zodiac Killer Ted Cruz. “But what I found happening was people stopped hearing what I was saying, and were just staring at my middle-aged, saggy body. In fact, my entire run for president was lost because I simply became something to be sexually desired, rather than someone who deserved respect,” said the human form of pudding.
In a similar move, foods from around the world have come forward saying that if they are going to star in “food porn”, they should be earning porn actor wages.


thebeaverton--2020-01-27--“There’s no money in the arts,” scoffs man who just paid $1,000 for Hamilton tickets

TORONTO – Jon Hudson , a financial district lawyer , was overheard yesterday at a restaurant commenting on how the arts weren ’ t a worthwhile pursuit because they weren ’ t profitable .
He quickly followed that up by boasting about how he dropped a thousand dollars on two tickets to the upcoming touring production of Hamilton .
“ I ’ m just saying , I won ’ t have my kids going into music or theatre after graduating high school , ” the 50-year-old explained , quickly checking to make sure his wife had renewed their Mirvish subscription @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ It ’ s not sustainable .
There ’ s no future in it .
I don ’ t even know where my ticket money is going- after all , I ’ m pretty sure they pay the actors in exposure.
” Keisha Burton , an actor and Hudson ’ s server that afternoon , recounted how the man had asked her what she had studied in university .
“ When I said theatre , he just laughed and replied , ‘ I guess you hate money !
’ Then he told @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had seen Come From Away five times in the last year .
I didn ’ t have the heart to tell him that I actually had been in that show and made a decent wage from it .
It really would have been tough for him to know that I ’ m not actually starving all the time.
” Hudson also didn ’ t hesitate to express his resentment over the debate surrounding waning government support for the arts .
“ Look , if all those artist people really wanted to stop being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a better profession , like mine , ” he said , downing his third martini .
“ It ’ s not the government ’ s job to support their fiscally irresponsible , and frankly selfish , decisions .
Now if you ’ ll excuse me , I ’ ve got to go grab tickets to see the new Second City show- it ’ s always the most fun my family has all year.
” Hudson was last seen chuckling about how actors waste so much money on risky artistic projects , while checking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that day .

TORONTO – Jon Hudson, a financial district lawyer, was overheard yesterday at a restaurant commenting on how the arts weren’t a worthwhile pursuit because they weren’t profitable. He quickly followed that up by boasting about how he dropped a thousand dollars on two tickets to the upcoming touring production of Hamilton.
“I’m just saying, I won’t have my kids going into music or theatre after graduating high school,” the 50-year-old explained, quickly checking to make sure his wife had renewed their Mirvish subscription for the twentieth year in a row. “It’s not sustainable. There’s no future in it. I don’t even know where my ticket money is going- after all, I’m pretty sure they pay the actors in exposure.”
Keisha Burton, an actor and Hudson’s server that afternoon, recounted how the man had asked her what she had studied in university.
“When I said theatre, he just laughed and replied, ‘I guess you hate money!’ Then he told me about how he and his wife had seen Come From Away five times in the last year. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I actually had been in that show and made a decent wage from it. It really would have been tough for him to know that I’m not actually starving all the time.”
Hudson also didn’t hesitate to express his resentment over the debate surrounding waning government support for the arts.
“Look, if all those artist people really wanted to stop being poor, then they should have chosen a better profession, like mine,” he said, downing his third martini. “It’s not the government’s job to support their fiscally irresponsible, and frankly selfish, decisions. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go grab tickets to see the new Second City show- it’s always the most fun my family has all year.”
Hudson was last seen chuckling about how actors waste so much money on risky artistic projects, while checking his Bitcoin stocks for the sixth time that day.


thebeaverton--2020-01-27--Andrew Scheer’s dry January fails after slamming gallon of 2%

OTTAWA – A nearly successful dry January ended in disaster , and extreme gastrointestinal discomfort , this past weekend when opposition leader Andrew Scheer decimated a gallon of 2 % milk in a minute flat .
“ It seemed like he just really wanted to let loose and party ” said one witness at the bar where the event occurred .
“ He said barkeep , ‘ your freshest gallon please ’ and then he just polished it off right then and there .
It also looked old ?
People rarely order milk at bars so I imagine it had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ expiry.
” Post-resignation life hasn ’ t been easy on the current , but soon to be replaced , leader of the Conservative party .
The dry January was supposed to help him get back on track and off the hard stuff ( 18 % whipping cream ) but going cold-turkey was harder than he expected .
“ It ’ s hard to resist when everywhere I go , people are drinking milk .
Weddings , dinner parties , nights out with friends , everyone is just chugging that sweet cow nectar , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a press conference , a milk bottle in each hand .
Scheer has been under fire for allegedly taking funds from the Conservative party for his “ milk money.
” Reportedly , Scheer has been stumbling into the House of Commons completely strung out on lactose .
Often with his shirt off , boasting an impressive milk moustache , screaming incoherently about life insurance policies .
This isn ’ t the first year Scheer has failed to complete a dry January .
Last year he was caught going to town on an entire @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the House of Commons on January 31st .

OTTAWA – A nearly successful dry January ended in disaster, and extreme gastrointestinal discomfort, this past weekend when opposition leader Andrew Scheer decimated a gallon of 2% milk in a minute flat.
“It seemed like he just really wanted to let loose and party” said one witness at the bar where the event occurred. “He said barkeep, ‘your freshest gallon please’ and then he just polished it off right then and there. It also looked old? People rarely order milk at bars so I imagine it had been there for a few weeks past expiry.”
Post-resignation life hasn’t been easy on the current, but soon to be replaced, leader of the Conservative party. The dry January was supposed to help him get back on track and off the hard stuff (18% whipping cream) but going cold-turkey was harder than he expected.
“It’s hard to resist when everywhere I go, people are drinking milk. Weddings, dinner parties, nights out with friends, everyone is just chugging that sweet cow nectar,” stated a visibly distressed Scheer at a press conference, a milk bottle in each hand.
Scheer has been under fire for allegedly taking funds from the Conservative party for his “milk money.” Reportedly, Scheer has been stumbling into the House of Commons completely strung out on lactose. Often with his shirt off, boasting an impressive milk moustache, screaming incoherently about life insurance policies.
This isn’t the first year Scheer has failed to complete a dry January. Last year he was caught going to town on an entire tub of sour cream in the middle of the House of Commons on January 31st.


thebeaverton--2020-01-27--Here’s some sensational, unconfirmed stories about coronavirus because we really need the website tr

Here’s some sensational, unconfirmed stories about coronavirus because we really need the website traffic

Competing with the Sun chain of newspapers can be hard , so here are some unconfirmed , sensationalized , and flat-out wrong stories that we ’ ve either heard or fabricated ourselves .
We know you ’ ve done your part by clicking on this out of fear .
Here ’ s what we know about coronavirus : Coronavirus was created by Bud Light Lime to tarnish its competitor .
Your friend Tiffany from Facebook has confirmed the guy on the bus she was on had the virus and spread it to everyone .
Coronavirus is a secret weapon stolen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the world .
Coronavirus is a secret weapon stolen by Canada from the Chinese to destroy the world .
That may contradict the last one .
We ’ re still working on this conspiracy and need to appease both sides .
Please , remain panicked .
All of Asia is dead .
The people who look alive on television are just actors portraying to live in Asia .
Sharing this article on social media will make you and your family immune to the virus .
Homeopath has 128 cures for coronavirus , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you for clicking .
Have a good day !

Competing with the Sun chain of newspapers can be hard, so here are some unconfirmed, sensationalized, and flat-out wrong stories that we’ve either heard or fabricated ourselves. We know you’ve done your part by clicking on this out of fear. Here’s what we know about coronavirus:
Coronavirus was created by Bud Light Lime to tarnish its competitor.
Your friend Tiffany from Facebook has confirmed the guy on the bus she was on had the virus and spread it to everyone.
Coronavirus is a secret weapon stolen by the Chinese from Canada to destroy the world.
Coronavirus is a secret weapon stolen by Canada from the Chinese to destroy the world. That may contradict the last one. We’re still working on this conspiracy and need to appease both sides. Please, remain panicked.
All of Asia is dead. The people who look alive on television are just actors portraying to live in Asia.
Sharing this article on social media will make you and your family immune to the virus.
Homeopath has 128 cures for coronavirus, but the government is stopping her.
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thebeaverton--2020-01-28--Kale reveals the real superfoods are the ones that go out every day and do their jobs

TORONTO – On the eve of being named Superfood of the Year , Kale revealed in an exclusive interview that the real superfoods are the ones who get out there every day and do their jobs .
“ I ’ m no hero .
You know who ’ s a hero ?
Hotdog , ” explained Kale .
“ Staying outside in the cold , the heat , anytime an overworked banker or a student plastered out of their mind needs food .
He ’ s there.
” Hotdog could not be reached for comment as he was running a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was recently praised by various outlets for saving countless people through his antioxidants and ability to reduce heart disease .
“ Yes you got saved , but with my taste , you might as well be dead .
Let ’ s be honest I taste like paper !
” Kale also alleged that most of the work was done by the other vegetables in the salad .
“ We ’ re tired of being looked at like we don ’ t provide value , ” explained Lion of animal crackers .
“ Giraffe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s on the Savanah we got it .
It feels nice that someone as big as Kale is reaching out and giving back .
Sure , Kale lowers cholesterol , but if you ’ re a parent coming home and need your child to eat enough food to not die… well , let us introduce ourselves.
” At this point , we had to acknowledge the elephant cracker in the room .
“ Yes…too much of us can cause diabetes , ” confessed Elephant “ but have you tried us ?
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ most of the proceeds of his awards to the No Frill ’ s milk aisle .
“ He ’ s been through enough .
Coconut , Almond , Lactose-free… enough people trying to hurt him .
He needs it more than me .
Let me tell you , 1 % , 2 % , he ’ s giving you 100 % every goddamn day.
” At press time , Kale physically assaulted a producer when told that tomato is not technically a vegetable .
“ He ’ s more vegetable than you ’ @ @ @ @ @

TORONTO – On the eve of being named Superfood of the Year, Kale revealed in an exclusive interview that the real superfoods are the ones who get out there every day and do their jobs.
“I’m no hero. You know who’s a hero? Hotdog,” explained Kale. “Staying outside in the cold, the heat, anytime an overworked banker or a student plastered out of their mind needs food. He’s there.” Hotdog could not be reached for comment as he was running a double shift at his stall.
Kale was recently praised by various outlets for saving countless people through his antioxidants and ability to reduce heart disease. “Yes you got saved, but with my taste, you might as well be dead. Let’s be honest I taste like paper!” Kale also alleged that most of the work was done by the other vegetables in the salad.
“We’re tired of being looked at like we don’t provide value,” explained Lion of animal crackers. “Giraffe. Lion. Zebra. If it’s on the Savanah we got it. It feels nice that someone as big as Kale is reaching out and giving back. Sure, Kale lowers cholesterol, but if you’re a parent coming home and need your child to eat enough food to not die… well, let us introduce ourselves.” At this point, we had to acknowledge the elephant cracker in the room. “Yes…too much of us can cause diabetes,” confessed Elephant “but have you tried us?”
Kale further revealed that he had donated most of the proceeds of his awards to the No Frill’s milk aisle. “He’s been through enough. Coconut, Almond, Lactose-free… enough people trying to hurt him. He needs it more than me. Let me tell you, 1%, 2%, he’s giving you 100% every goddamn day.”
At press time, Kale physically assaulted a producer when told that tomato is not technically a vegetable. “He’s more vegetable than you’ll ever be!”


thebeaverton--2020-01-28--Report: Outbreak of idiocy spreading 10,000 times faster than coronavirus

TORONTO – Public health officials in Toronto have confirmed its first 50,000 cases of being a misinformed fuckwit as xenophobic conspiracy theories and tales of false cures continue to spread across social media .
“ Becoming a complete moron during an infectious disease outbreak is far more viral than we first thought , ” said Dr. Jeanne Smith of Toronto Public Health .
“ Fact resistance is abnormally high especially among the dullard population , and the bottom 5 % of your graduating high school class.
” Tens of thousands of people were affected by a novel fake news claim @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at Canada ’ s National Microbiology Lab leaving at least 10,000 people stupider .
Patients are usually asymptomatic until they open their mouths or start tweeting .
Aunts spreading rumours about 100 % natural cures for the virus on Facebook have been quarantined while racist uncles at dinner tables were ball-gagged as a precaution .
“ Our epidemiologists are working hard to identify idiot zero , but there might be more sporadic outbreaks of coronavirus-related imbecility , ” added Dr. Smith .
Meanwhile , health officials are dreading teaching the population a complicated @ @ @ @ @ @ @

TORONTO – Public health officials in Toronto have confirmed its first 50,000 cases of being a misinformed fuckwit as xenophobic conspiracy theories and tales of false cures continue to spread across social media.
“Becoming a complete moron during an infectious disease outbreak is far more viral than we first thought,” said Dr. Jeanne Smith of Toronto Public Health. “Fact resistance is abnormally high especially among the dullard population, and the bottom 5% of your graduating high school class.”
Tens of thousands of people were affected by a novel fake news claim that the Chinese government was developing coronavirus at Canada’s National Microbiology Lab leaving at least 10,000 people stupider.
Patients are usually asymptomatic until they open their mouths or start tweeting.
Aunts spreading rumours about 100% natural cures for the virus on Facebook have been quarantined while racist uncles at dinner tables were ball-gagged as a precaution.
“Our epidemiologists are working hard to identify idiot zero, but there might be more sporadic outbreaks of coronavirus-related imbecility,” added Dr. Smith.
Meanwhile, health officials are dreading teaching the population a complicated prevention technique: washing your hands.


thebeaverton--2020-01-28--Senate enters swimsuit competition portion of Trump impeachment trial

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following the legal submissions of both the Democrats and Republicans as to whether President Trump should be removed from office , the impeachment trial is now set to move on to the all-important swimsuit competition .
“ In the grand tradition of our great Republic , we honour our Constitution by now bearing our bodies covered in only a small swath of clothing suitable for immersion in water , ” read Chief Justice John Roberts from the Senate Rules of Procedure and Bathing Attire , before stripping to reveal a conservative but form fitting one-piece wrist-to-ankle maillot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The Democrats will have the first chance to strut down the Senate floor garbed in swimsuits which they hope will suitably impress the assembled senators to side with their arguments and remove Trump from office .
Insiders suggest that Dems will likely put everything they have on the table , favouring transparent or skimpy pieces which leave little to the imagination but emphasize that they have nothing to hide .
Leaked wardrobe budgets have indicated that Representative Jerry Nadler will be brandishing a bright green banana-hammock and little else .
Adam Schiff has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ checkered sling bikini .
Conversely , Republicans are likely to exhibit more restrained pieces , voting down Democrats ’ motion to “ show America the goods ” .
Counsel Alan Dershowitz was recently observed at a local TJ Maxx trying on booty shorts and a white bandeau , which he maintains meets the constitutional definition of swimsuit .
Trump ’ s personal lawyer , Jay Sekulow , was originally rumoured to be opting for a Lycra thong and high-neck top before Trump himself ordered that his team do nothing too revealing .
Instead @ @ @ @ @ @ @ away to display a simple wetsuit which he describes as helping him be “ tough to pin down ” .
“ It ’ s a great thing .
Swimsuits .
They ’ re great .
I like ‘ em .
You know I was the first one , if you count the shows , the first one to do the swimsuit on TV .
It was me if you didn ’ t already know .
But it was women when I did it .
Very beautiful women that all wanted to be beautiful @ @ @ @ @ @ @ no one in particular .
The swimsuit competition has long been a vital part of maintaining the checks and balances of the US governmental system , ever since Andrew Johnson ’ s defence team secured his acquittal by wearing a scandalous 8 layer bathing suit , instead of the traditional 14 .
With all parties and their arguments laid bare , along with all their attendant flaws , droops , sags , and bulges , senators can decide the fate of the President on the merits and not be distracted by partisan showmanship @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so I haven ’ t picked anything out , ” said Rudy Giuliani , when asked , “ but I ’ ll likely spend the night the same way I do every night : completely naked and spread eagle on my vinyl sofa .
”

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following the legal submissions of both the Democrats and Republicans as to whether President Trump should be removed from office, the impeachment trial is now set to move on to the all-important swimsuit competition.
“In the grand tradition of our great Republic, we honour our Constitution by now bearing our bodies covered in only a small swath of clothing suitable for immersion in water,” read Chief Justice John Roberts from the Senate Rules of Procedure and Bathing Attire, before stripping to reveal a conservative but form fitting one-piece wrist-to-ankle maillot bathing garment.
As the prosecution, The Democrats will have the first chance to strut down the Senate floor garbed in swimsuits which they hope will suitably impress the assembled senators to side with their arguments and remove Trump from office. Insiders suggest that Dems will likely put everything they have on the table, favouring transparent or skimpy pieces which leave little to the imagination but emphasize that they have nothing to hide. Leaked wardrobe budgets have indicated that Representative Jerry Nadler will be brandishing a bright green banana-hammock and little else. Adam Schiff has already announced that he will don a checkered sling bikini.
Conversely, Republicans are likely to exhibit more restrained pieces, voting down Democrats’ motion to “show America the goods”. Counsel Alan Dershowitz was recently observed at a local TJ Maxx trying on booty shorts and a white bandeau, which he maintains meets the constitutional definition of swimsuit. Trump’s personal lawyer, Jay Sekulow, was originally rumoured to be opting for a Lycra thong and high-neck top before Trump himself ordered that his team do nothing too revealing. Instead, Sekulow will now tear his suit away to display a simple wetsuit which he describes as helping him be “tough to pin down”.
“It’s a great thing. Swimsuits. They’re great. I like ‘em. You know I was the first one, if you count the shows, the first one to do the swimsuit on TV. It was me if you didn’t already know. But it was women when I did it. Very beautiful women that all wanted to be beautiful on TV,” Trump said to no one in particular.
The swimsuit competition has long been a vital part of maintaining the checks and balances of the US governmental system, ever since Andrew Johnson’s defence team secured his acquittal by wearing a scandalous 8 layer bathing suit, instead of the traditional 14. With all parties and their arguments laid bare, along with all their attendant flaws, droops, sags, and bulges, senators can decide the fate of the President on the merits and not be distracted by partisan showmanship.
“I wasn’t invited so I haven’t picked anything out,” said Rudy Giuliani, when asked, “but I’ll likely spend the night the same way I do every night: completely naked and spread eagle on my vinyl sofa.”


thebeaverton--2020-01-29--In lieu of speaking French, Peter MacKay to run his nails down a chalkboard

HALIFAX – Conservative Party leadership hopeful Peter MacKay has decided to stop speaking in one of Canada ’ s official languages by substituting his French with the screeching noise made by his fingernails against a chalkboard .
MacKay , who spent the past five years attempting to pass level 1 French on Duolingo , says that he made a valiant effort at learning , but just can ’ t seem to get the hang of communicating with 20 % of Canada ’ s population .
However , in a nod to francophones across the country , MacKay will irritate everyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and understand French .
“ Canadians are strong because Canadians make a strong Canada stronger , ” said the former cabinet minister in a speech to a group of supporters before pausing to pull out a small slate .
MacKay then emitted a horrible screeching sound by dragging his nails across the slate surface causing audience members to cringe and cover their ears .
“ I will march in a Pride Parade because that ’ s popular now , ” added the former defence minister .
“ Some people question whether Canada ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bilingual , ” said Georges Simard , a francophone supporter of MacKay .
“ At least the chalkboard sounds a lot better than his French.
” Many partisans are hopeful that a Conservative leader who knows less French than a Bloc Québécois leader knows English will win in Quebec .

HALIFAX – Conservative Party leadership hopeful Peter MacKay has decided to stop speaking in one of Canada’s official languages by substituting his French with the screeching noise made by his fingernails against a chalkboard.
MacKay, who spent the past five years attempting to pass level 1 French on Duolingo, says that he made a valiant effort at learning, but just can’t seem to get the hang of communicating with 20% of Canada’s population.
However, in a nod to francophones across the country, MacKay will irritate everyone instead of only those who can speak and understand French.
“Canadians are strong because Canadians make a strong Canada stronger,” said the former cabinet minister in a speech to a group of supporters before pausing to pull out a small slate.
MacKay then emitted a horrible screeching sound by dragging his nails across the slate surface causing audience members to cringe and cover their ears.
“I will march in a Pride Parade because that’s popular now,” added the former defence minister.
“Some people question whether Canada’s next prime minister should be fluently bilingual,” said Georges Simard, a francophone supporter of MacKay. “At least the chalkboard sounds a lot better than his French.”
Many partisans are hopeful that a Conservative leader who knows less French than a Bloc Québécois leader knows English will win in Quebec.


thebeaverton--2020-01-29--Mum just calling to check you don’t have coronavirus

Oakville , ON — While she ’ s sure you ’ d be in touch if anything was wrong , your mum just called to check you don ’ t have coronavirus .
“ I ’ ve heard it ’ s been going around and I wanted to be sure , ” she said of the deadly flu-like virus that recently originated in Hubei province , China , “ If you think you ’ ve picked it up , let me know and I ’ ll be right over with some ginger tea and a hot water bottle ” .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Canada is only 2 out of 37.59 million , your mum has made it clear that “ you can never be too careful ” and “ you did get that bad cold last year ” .
“ You haven ’ t been to Wuhan or Beijing recently , have you ?
I know you don ’ t always tell me your weekend plans ” This is not the first time your mum has checked in with concerns , having asked you over the holidays if you ’ ve been careful to avoid lyme @ @ @ @ @ @ @ recently “ had a bit of typhoid.
” Public health officials recommend preventing infection by washing your hands often and avoiding close contact with people who are sick , while your mum suggests taking echinacea , disinfecting your apartment and “ not kissing or ‘ you know what-ing ’ with anyone for a few days ” While health officials assure Canadians that there is a very low risk of infection and it ’ s not yet known if the coronavirus is any more deadly than an ordinary flu , your mum wants you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bit of a cough for a few days , so she ’ s making her arrangements .

Oakville, ON — While she’s sure you’d be in touch if anything was wrong, your mum just called to check you don’t have coronavirus.
“I’ve heard it’s been going around and I wanted to be sure,” she said of the deadly flu-like virus that recently originated in Hubei province, China, “If you think you’ve picked it up, let me know and I’ll be right over with some ginger tea and a hot water bottle”.
Even though the rate of coronavirus in Canada is only 2 out of 37.59 million, your mum has made it clear that “you can never be too careful” and “you did get that bad cold last year”.
“You haven’t been to Wuhan or Beijing recently, have you? I know you don’t always tell me your weekend plans”
This is not the first time your mum has checked in with concerns, having asked you over the holidays if you’ve been careful to avoid lyme disease, and mentioning she thinks she recently “had a bit of typhoid.”
Public health officials recommend preventing infection by washing your hands often and avoiding close contact with people who are sick, while your mum suggests taking echinacea, disinfecting your apartment and “not kissing or ‘you know what-ing’ with anyone for a few days”
While health officials assure Canadians that there is a very low risk of infection and it’s not yet known if the coronavirus is any more deadly than an ordinary flu, your mum wants you to know she’s had a bit of a cough for a few days, so she’s making her arrangements.


thebeaverton--2020-01-29--Bell CEO’s mental health dramatically improves after millions of dollars of free advertising

TORONTO – Bell Canada Enterprises CEO Mirko Bibic ’ s mental health improved substantially after seeing the millions of dollars generated from # BellLetsTalk , a free advertising campaign .
“ I never thought this would happen to me , ” said Bibic .
“ I felt anxious and depressed about last quarter results , but seeing all of these tweets in support of a company that only earned $ 5.87 billion in the third quarter of 2019 made me feel that I wasn ’ t alone.
” Since 2010 , Bell Canada has used the campaign # BellLetsTalk to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ help end the stigma against large corporations making billions off of charitable causes .
“ I really respect what Bell is doing , ” said regular Bell Customer Aria Lang .
“ Every story I see shared of mental health deterioration and abuse on the hashtag makes me feel so good we ’ re helping Mr. Bibic and his shareholders through a tough time.
” Bell Canada has pledged to continue their fight for mental health awareness in the coming years , promising their goal even if they have to make every employee @ @ @ @ @ @ @ depression leave .
Meanwhile , Bell announced that it would be donating 100 % of the profits earned from mentally ill inmates using Bell payphones to mental health charities .

TORONTO – Bell Canada Enterprises CEO Mirko Bibic’s mental health improved substantially after seeing the millions of dollars generated from #BellLetsTalk, a free advertising campaign.
“I never thought this would happen to me,” said Bibic. “I felt anxious and depressed about last quarter results, but seeing all of these tweets in support of a company that only earned $5.87 billion in the third quarter of 2019 made me feel that I wasn’t alone.”
Since 2010, Bell Canada has used the campaign #BellLetsTalk to donate 5 cents for every hashtag to help end the stigma against large corporations making billions off of charitable causes.
“I really respect what Bell is doing,” said regular Bell Customer Aria Lang. “Every story I see shared of mental health deterioration and abuse on the hashtag makes me feel so good we’re helping Mr. Bibic and his shareholders through a tough time.”
Bell Canada has pledged to continue their fight for mental health awareness in the coming years, promising their goal even if they have to make every employee work unpaid overtime or fire them for depression leave.
Meanwhile, Bell announced that it would be donating 100% of the profits earned from mentally ill inmates using Bell payphones to mental health charities.


thebeaverton--2020-01-30--Rogers unveils new “Worse Than Your Current Plan” plans

TORONTO — Telecom giant Rogers Wireless has announced a new cellphone plan which they promise customers will be a much worse deal than the Rogers plan they are currently on .
Rogers ’ new Worse Than Your Current Plan plans boast fewer minutes and decidedly-limited data , all for at least $ 20 more than whatever plan customers are currently signed up for .
“ We realized that many of our customers have been locked into their old reasonably-priced plans for months or even years , ” announced Rogers spokesperson Herb Graves .
“ We ’ re offering all our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their tired old plans that offer enough data and a halfway decent value for their money.
” In addition to triple data overage charges and something called “ local roaming fees ” , Rogers assures customers that their new Worse Than Your Current Plan will still be wildly out of step with wireless charges for the rest of the industrialized world .
Asked why the new plans are being released now , Graves explained , “ Remember that weekend a couple of years back where we accidentally offered people 10 GB per month @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crashed the entire Canadian phone system ?
Well our new Worse Than Your Current Plan plans will ensure that kind of price fairness never happens again !
” “ Also , ” he added , “ Now we ’ re charging you if you go over your minutes , and if you go under your minutes .
Call to speak to a representative today !
” As a limited bonus offer , all new Worse Than Your Current Plan deals come with the chance to upgrade to a refurbished phone that is definitely @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Why suffer through the lightning speeds and confusing new apps of your iPhone 11 , when you could enjoy the nostalgic comforts of an iPhone 5 that freezes when you try to call an Uber ?
Not to be outdone , Canada ’ s other major telecoms are matching Rogers ’ new offerings in a way that has industry media saying “ these corporations are definitely fixing prices together ” .
“ I just got an e-mail from Bell Mobility for their new Worse Than Your Current Plan plan , ” explained @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Fredericton .
“ It was literally just the same advertisement Rogers put out , with the word “ BELL ” handwritten over the Rogers logo , which I don ’ t understand how they did to a digital image.
” In addition to their more expensive plans , Rogers has announced that each new Worse Than Your Current Plan comes bundles with a mandatory landline account .

TORONTO — Telecom giant Rogers Wireless has announced a new cellphone plan which they promise customers will be a much worse deal than the Rogers plan they are currently on.
Rogers’ new Worse Than Your Current Plan plans boast fewer minutes and decidedly-limited data, all for at least $20 more than whatever plan customers are currently signed up for.
“We realized that many of our customers have been locked into their old reasonably-priced plans for months or even years,” announced Rogers spokesperson Herb Graves. “We’re offering all our customers the chance to finally shake off their tired old plans that offer enough data and a halfway decent value for their money.”
In addition to triple data overage charges and something called “local roaming fees”, Rogers assures customers that their new Worse Than Your Current Plan will still be wildly out of step with wireless charges for the rest of the industrialized world.
Asked why the new plans are being released now, Graves explained, “Remember that weekend a couple of years back where we accidentally offered people 10 GB per month for $60, and it nearly crashed the entire Canadian phone system? Well our new Worse Than Your Current Plan plans will ensure that kind of price fairness never happens again!”
“Also,” he added, “Now we’re charging you if you go over your minutes, and if you go under your minutes. Call to speak to a representative today!”
As a limited bonus offer, all new Worse Than Your Current Plan deals come with the chance to upgrade to a refurbished phone that is definitely older than the one customers have. “Why suffer through the lightning speeds and confusing new apps of your iPhone 11, when you could enjoy the nostalgic comforts of an iPhone 5 that freezes when you try to call an Uber?
Not to be outdone, Canada’s other major telecoms are matching Rogers’ new offerings in a way that has industry media saying “these corporations are definitely fixing prices together”.
“I just got an e-mail from Bell Mobility for their new Worse Than Your Current Plan plan,” explained long-time Bell customer Tamara Shanks, of Fredericton. “It was literally just the same advertisement Rogers put out, with the word “BELL” handwritten over the Rogers logo, which I don’t understand how they did to a digital image.”
In addition to their more expensive plans, Rogers has announced that each new Worse Than Your Current Plan comes bundles with a mandatory landline account.


thebeaverton--2020-01-30--SNC-Lavalin wins Ottawa LRT bid with a blank sheet of paper for proposal

OTTAWA – The City of Ottawa has confirmed SNC-Lavalin will construct Stage 3 of the Ottawa LRT after submitting a blank sheet of paper as a design .
Despite lacking any details on trains , tracks , or even words , the Montreal-based engineering firm will now be responsible for a multi-billion dollar public transportation project .
“ We ’ re just impressed at the balls SNC-Lavalin had to give us nothing but their name , ” said a star-struck city staff member who reviewed the design .
“ This no-assed effort must mean that they ’ re the best @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Plus we know the firm has can swing a big dick in federal cabinet.
” Employees who reviewed the design justified their decision since a blank sheet of paper is the cheapest option while its complexity lies in the imagination of its reviewers .
“ That ’ s just art , ” said another employee fawning over the approved blank bid for billions of dollars .
“ Sure , the bid received a 0 technical score , but achieved a 100 on artistic merit and thinking outside the box .
“ SNC-Lavalin is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ good at art , you ’ re great at engineering , ” added the unnamed official as he placed the framed 8½ x 11 inch proposal into the City Hall Art Gallery .
As per tradition , Ottawa City Council unquestioningly approved the no-bid bid so it could move on to addressing problems with the current LRT .

OTTAWA – The City of Ottawa has confirmed SNC-Lavalin will construct Stage 3 of the Ottawa LRT after submitting a blank sheet of paper as a design.
Despite lacking any details on trains, tracks, or even words, the Montreal-based engineering firm will now be responsible for a multi-billion dollar public transportation project.
“We’re just impressed at the balls SNC-Lavalin had to give us nothing but their name,” said a star-struck city staff member who reviewed the design. “This no-assed effort must mean that they’re the best out of all of the bids. Plus we know the firm has can swing a big dick in federal cabinet.”
Employees who reviewed the design justified their decision since a blank sheet of paper is the cheapest option while its complexity lies in the imagination of its reviewers.
“That’s just art,” said another employee fawning over the approved blank bid for billions of dollars. “Sure, the bid received a 0 technical score, but achieved a 100 on artistic merit and thinking outside the box.
“SNC-Lavalin is like Banksy; if you’re good at art, you’re great at engineering,” added the unnamed official as he placed the framed 8½ x 11 inch proposal into the City Hall Art Gallery.
As per tradition, Ottawa City Council unquestioningly approved the no-bid bid so it could move on to addressing problems with the current LRT.


thebeaverton--2020-02-05--Desperate nation pining for US celebrity’s attention denies it’s boring

CANADA – Citizens from a nation always seeking US approval are expressing outrage that a washed-up pop singer from the @ @ @ @ @ boring.
” “ How dare she call us dull , ” said Mary Hill who @ @ @ @ @ a brief news story about Toronto .
“ If she had been to a Scotties @ @ @ @ @ Brier , she would have thought differently.
” Thousands of more Canadians with nothing better @ @ @ @ @ took to social media to defend the land consisting mostly of rocks , trees , @ @ @ @ @ now hate Madonna , ” said Tom MacDonald who gushed over the move of a @ @ @ @ @ B list royal husband to Canada .
At press time the City of Ottawa was @ @ @ @ @ violation over use of the word ‘ boring .
’

CANADA – Citizens from a nation always seeking US approval are expressing outrage that a washed-up pop singer from the 1980s called the country “boring.”
“How dare she call us dull,” said Mary Hill who once celebrated how CNN reported a brief news story about Toronto. “If she had been to a Scotties Tournament of Hearts or the Brier, she would have thought differently.”
Thousands of more Canadians with nothing better to do with their time took to social media to defend the land consisting mostly of rocks, trees, and snow.
“I now hate Madonna,” said Tom MacDonald who gushed over the move of a B list actor and her B list royal husband to Canada.
At press time the City of Ottawa was suing Madonna for a trademark violation over use of the word ‘boring.’