thebeaverton--2020-08-17--Woman’s retirement plan crumbles after she accounts for living, laughing, but not loving

TORONTO – In a horrifying discovery yesterday , Kimberly Atkinson ’ s meticulously-researched retirement plans were torn apart after the 33 year-old interior designer realized that she had painstakingly accounted for living and laughing , but had completely forgotten to include the act of loving .
“ Ten whole years of planning , hundreds of additions to my Pinterest boards , and thousands of dollars spent on career coaches , just gone in the blink of an eye , ” she recounted in a haze of fear and shame .
“ How could I have been so blind ?
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was going to live to my fullest and laugh like no one was watching , but never did I even once consider just how necessary loving was to the equation .
I ’ ve been too focused on my career , hobbies , and friends to even think about love.
” “ Now I ’ ll never live out my days in a rustic cottage with a hot , bearded lumberjack and our adorably fashionable children !
I feel so lost.
” Atkinson ’ s parents could barely conceal their shame at their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ You think you ’ ve taught them better than this , ” explained her mother , Brenda , through tears .
“ You think you ’ ve sent them off into the world with the knowledge and preparation they ’ ll need to thrive .
But to hear that she ’ ll die alone and penniless because she couldn ’ t follow simple instructions found on every HomeSense poster ever manufactured is too much for us to bear.
” Herb , Atkinson ’ s father , chimed in : “ We ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ adoption .
Hopefully , she ’ ll find the love she needs with a new family.
” Kimberly ’ s current life coach , Janine Crosby , confessed that she had seen the warning signs , but had not been able to intervene in time .
“ Kim would go on and on about how much living she was doing , and told me stories of all the times she had laughed in the week before our sessions , but every time I asked if she was loving enough , her face would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the subject , ” Crosby said , shaking her head .
“ But I had no idea she hadn ’ t even thought about including it in her retirement vision board .
I honestly don ’ t know if she can bounce back from this , but I ’ m willing to help her for a reasonable hourly fee.
” Atkinson was last seen downloading every dating app known to man in order to avoid a life of utter worthlessness .

TORONTO – In a horrifying discovery yesterday, Kimberly Atkinson’s meticulously-researched retirement plans were torn apart after the 33 year-old interior designer realized that she had painstakingly accounted for living and laughing, but had completely forgotten to include the act of loving.
“Ten whole years of planning, hundreds of additions to my Pinterest boards, and thousands of dollars spent on career coaches, just gone in the blink of an eye,” she recounted in a haze of fear and shame. “How could I have been so blind? I had it all mapped out: I was going to live to my fullest and laugh like no one was watching, but never did I even once consider just how necessary loving was to the equation. I’ve been too focused on my career, hobbies, and friends to even think about love.”
“Now I’ll never live out my days in a rustic cottage with a hot, bearded lumberjack and our adorably fashionable children! I feel so lost.”
Atkinson’s parents could barely conceal their shame at their daughter’s embarrassing omission.
“You think you’ve taught them better than this,” explained her mother, Brenda, through tears. “You think you’ve sent them off into the world with the knowledge and preparation they’ll need to thrive. But to hear that she’ll die alone and penniless because she couldn’t follow simple instructions found on every HomeSense poster ever manufactured is too much for us to bear.”
Herb, Atkinson’s father, chimed in: “We’ve been looking into putting her up for adoption. Hopefully, she’ll find the love she needs with a new family.”
Kimberly’s current life coach, Janine Crosby, confessed that she had seen the warning signs, but had not been able to intervene in time.
“Kim would go on and on about how much living she was doing, and told me stories of all the times she had laughed in the week before our sessions, but every time I asked if she was loving enough, her face would grow dark and she’d change the subject,” Crosby said, shaking her head. “But I had no idea she hadn’t even thought about including it in her retirement vision board. I honestly don’t know if she can bounce back from this, but I’m willing to help her for a reasonable hourly fee.”
Atkinson was last seen downloading every dating app known to man in order to avoid a life of utter worthlessness.


thebeaverton--2020-08-18--Trudeau hopes giving Parliament five week vacation will make them like him again

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that Parliament has been doing such a great job lately , he ’ s rewarding them with almost five weeks of vacation and is confident this little treat is just what he needs to get back into the good graces of Canada ’ s federal legislature .
“ Who doesn ’ t love vacations ?
” Trudeau said , announcing the prorogation .
“ I mean , yeah , there ’ s a pandemic going on right now so there ’ s less fun summer stuff to do , and we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and our shattered economy when we come back , but by then everyone will be rested and tanned and probably won ’ t even remember any of the current committee studies looking into student volunteer grant programs.
” While opposition parties have cried foul and accuse Trudeau of abusing prorogation in a blatant attempt to run away from his scandals , Trudeau is adamant that he is doing this for Parliament .
“ Everyone deserves a break .
This has been a really tough year , and rather than sit around in a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this ethics breach and who committed that ethics breach , I think Canada ’ s MPs should be sitting around the pool .
I ’ m just that kind of leader , ” Trudeau said .
At press time , Trudeau was seen handing out large novelty beer hats that said “ It ’ s Always A Good Time For Beer and Forgetting The Past .
”

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that Parliament has been doing such a great job lately, he’s rewarding them with almost five weeks of vacation and is confident this little treat is just what he needs to get back into the good graces of Canada’s federal legislature.
“Who doesn’t love vacations?” Trudeau said, announcing the prorogation. “I mean, yeah, there’s a pandemic going on right now so there’s less fun summer stuff to do, and we’ll definitely have to address that pandemic and our shattered economy when we come back, but by then everyone will be rested and tanned and probably won’t even remember any of the current committee studies looking into student volunteer grant programs.”
While opposition parties have cried foul and accuse Trudeau of abusing prorogation in a blatant attempt to run away from his scandals, Trudeau is adamant that he is doing this for Parliament.
“Everyone deserves a break. This has been a really tough year, and rather than sit around in a stuffy chamber and argue about who committed this ethics breach and who committed that ethics breach, I think Canada’s MPs should be sitting around the pool. I’m just that kind of leader,” Trudeau said.
At press time, Trudeau was seen handing out large novelty beer hats that said “It’s Always A Good Time For Beer and Forgetting The Past.”


thebeaverton--2020-08-18--Man who knows every word to Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’ can’t remember best friend’s pronouns

TORONTO – Well-meaning Kensington Market local Bradford Smith , 26 , was found to be inexplicably able to recite famed rap song ‘ Lose Yourself ’ word-for-word , despite not being able to remember the pronouns of his best friend of 16 years , Jayden Xane , 25 .
“ I ’ ve been best friends with Jayden for years and some of my best , dopest memories have been with him .
Sorry , her .
Is it ze ?
Hold on , it ’ s thon .
It ’ s totally thon.
” After struggling for fifteen more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I feel like I practically came from the womb with this guy .
Sorry – dude .
Man , this gender talk makes my knees weak , arms are heavy .
There ’ s vomit on my sweater already , mom ’ s spaghetti.
” Smith proceeded to shout-sing the entire rest of the song as a mob of white bros gathered around and joined him .
They continued into a medley with Smashmouth ’ s “ All-Star ” , including the third verse that no one cares for before dispersing into @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I know Brad and he really is trying , but I go by they/them – pronoun easy mode , ” Jayden explained .
“ It ’ s unfair !
He remembers all the finishing moves in Mortal Kombat and every Maple Leafs draft pick from the last ten years .
And I remember all the names of his exes to not say out loud .
Do you know how hard it is never to say ‘ Sarah ’ ?
“ I even rewrote a pronoun-inclusive version of the Eminem song as ‘ Lose @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up every single word.
” While Smith claimed to want to do better , he still couldn ’ t remember how to pronounce his ethnic friend ’ s last name even though he was eager to talk endlessly about the one Slavoj Zizek YouTube video he watched .
“ I really want to get it right , ” pledged Smith .
“ Because at this point in our friendship I only have one shot .
One opportunity .
To seize everything I ever wanted… ” he continued without ever stopping .

TORONTO – Well-meaning Kensington Market local Bradford Smith, 26, was found to be inexplicably able to recite famed rap song ‘Lose Yourself’ word-for-word, despite not being able to remember the pronouns of his best friend of 16 years, Jayden Xane, 25.
“I’ve been best friends with Jayden for years and some of my best, dopest memories have been with him. Sorry, her. Is it ze? Hold on, it’s thon. It’s totally thon.” After struggling for fifteen more minutes, Smith continued, “Yeah, I feel like I practically came from the womb with this guy. Sorry – dude. Man, this gender talk makes my knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on my sweater already, mom’s spaghetti.”
Smith proceeded to shout-sing the entire rest of the song as a mob of white bros gathered around and joined him. They continued into a medley with Smashmouth’s “All-Star”, including the third verse that no one cares for before dispersing into the streets.
“It sucks because I know Brad and he really is trying, but I go by they/them – pronoun easy mode,” Jayden explained. “It’s unfair! He remembers all the finishing moves in Mortal Kombat and every Maple Leafs draft pick from the last ten years. And I remember all the names of his exes to not say out loud. Do you know how hard it is never to say ‘Sarah’?
“I even rewrote a pronoun-inclusive version of the Eminem song as ‘Lose Themself’. He managed to screw up every single word.”
While Smith claimed to want to do better, he still couldn’t remember how to pronounce his ethnic friend’s last name even though he was eager to talk endlessly about the one Slavoj Zizek YouTube video he watched. “I really want to get it right,” pledged Smith. “Because at this point in our friendship I only have one shot. One opportunity. To seize everything I ever wanted…” he continued without ever stopping.


thebeaverton--2020-08-18--Gender-balanced cabinet forces woman to work two jobs

OTTAWA – A gender-balanced cabinet is now requiring a woman to work two jobs after a male employee left his post for higher pursuits .
Chrystia Freeland , the Deputy Prime Minister , has been informed she is now responsible for the country ’ s budget in addition to hundreds of other duties as the new Finance Minister .
The Liberal cabinet determined that Freeland had a few spare seconds in her schedule to take on the new role .
“ We believe in advancing the careers of women so long as they keep carrying out their roles from previous @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trudeau .
“ Feminism is about giving opportunity after opportunity to women .
If you go by the amount of work done , technically my cabinet is 75 % female.
” Canada ’ s first female Finance Minister has further obligations as a Member of Parliament for University-Rosedale , and ensuring everyone ’ s emotional well-being at cabinet meetings .
Freeland is excited for the opportunity , and looks forward to managing the financial well-being of the country on weekdays from midnight to 3am , and every other Sunday At press time , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ third job in the next two years as Prime Minister .

OTTAWA – A gender-balanced cabinet is now requiring a woman to work two jobs after a male employee left his post for higher pursuits.
Chrystia Freeland, the Deputy Prime Minister, has been informed she is now responsible for the country’s budget in addition to hundreds of other duties as the new Finance Minister.
The Liberal cabinet determined that Freeland had a few spare seconds in her schedule to take on the new role.
“We believe in advancing the careers of women so long as they keep carrying out their roles from previous jobs,” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. “Feminism is about giving opportunity after opportunity to women. If you go by the amount of work done, technically my cabinet is 75% female.”
Canada’s first female Finance Minister has further obligations as a Member of Parliament for University-Rosedale, and ensuring everyone’s emotional well-being at cabinet meetings.
Freeland is excited for the opportunity, and looks forward to managing the financial well-being of the country on weekdays from midnight to 3am, and every other Sunday
At press time, she is expected to take on a third job in the next two years as Prime Minister.


thebeaverton--2020-08-19--Report: Clamato still disgusting, delicious

CALGARY – After conducting an exhaustive longitudinal study of scientific research done over the last 60 years , scientists at the University of Calgary have officially confirmed that Clamato , the tomato clam cocktail , is both disgusting and delicious .
“ It ’ s one of those counterintuitive scientific principles , like how a feather and a bowling ball will fall at the same rate in a vacuum , ” said Dr. Agatha Marino , the head of the Faculty of Strange Beverage Studies at the University of Calgary .
“ Watered down tomato paste flavoured with clam broth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and yet the resulting drink is , and we have now proven this scientifically , tasty as hell.
” Experts have been divided on the question of whether Clamato is more disgusting or more delicious for decades , with study after study examining how savory fruit paste mixed with mollusk juice could not only be palatable , but to some segments of the population , downright addictive .
The popular conspiracy theory that claims Clamato was created by the CIA to test the population ’ s ability to accept cognitive dissonance was debunked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t stopped the scientific community from continuing its inquiries .
“ This result unravels much of our understanding of the universe in terms of quantum mechanics , as , unlike Schrödinger ’ s hypothetical cat , Clamato ’ s waveform is never forced to collapse .
Clamato exists at all times in the quantum superposition of being both repellent and attractive , ” said Dr. Marino .
Some philosophers believe that Clamato is proof that we live in a simulation or fictional world , as anything that delectable yet gross must be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whimsy rather than the result of a well-designed universe created by either a loving deity or an impersonal set of natural laws .
“ I don ’ t know if the contradictory nature of Clamato is proof that most religions and scientists are wrong about the essence of reality , I just know that despite its loathsome constitution , when I spot it in the grocery store I always buy it and it never lasts more than a day in my fridge , ” Dr. Marino said , shuddering and licking her lips @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the issue of Clamato has been settled , the scientific community is hoping to finally answer the other great beverage question of our time by finding out which energy drink contains the highest proportion of concentrated evil .

CALGARY – After conducting an exhaustive longitudinal study of scientific research done over the last 60 years, scientists at the University of Calgary have officially confirmed that Clamato, the tomato clam cocktail, is both disgusting and delicious.
“It’s one of those counterintuitive scientific principles, like how a feather and a bowling ball will fall at the same rate in a vacuum,” said Dr. Agatha Marino, the head of the Faculty of Strange Beverage Studies at the University of Calgary. “Watered down tomato paste flavoured with clam broth is an objectively offensive gastronomic concept, and yet the resulting drink is, and we have now proven this scientifically, tasty as hell.”
Experts have been divided on the question of whether Clamato is more disgusting or more delicious for decades, with study after study examining how savory fruit paste mixed with mollusk juice could not only be palatable, but to some segments of the population, downright addictive. The popular conspiracy theory that claims Clamato was created by the CIA to test the population’s ability to accept cognitive dissonance was debunked in the 70s, but that hasn’t stopped the scientific community from continuing its inquiries.
“This result unravels much of our understanding of the universe in terms of quantum mechanics, as, unlike Schrödinger’s hypothetical cat, Clamato’s waveform is never forced to collapse. Clamato exists at all times in the quantum superposition of being both repellent and attractive,” said Dr. Marino.
Some philosophers believe that Clamato is proof that we live in a simulation or fictional world, as anything that delectable yet gross must be the product of a conscious mind attempting whimsy rather than the result of a well-designed universe created by either a loving deity or an impersonal set of natural laws.
“I don’t know if the contradictory nature of Clamato is proof that most religions and scientists are wrong about the essence of reality, I just know that despite its loathsome constitution, when I spot it in the grocery store I always buy it and it never lasts more than a day in my fridge,” Dr. Marino said, shuddering and licking her lips at the same time.
Now that the issue of Clamato has been settled, the scientific community is hoping to finally answer the other great beverage question of our time by finding out which energy drink contains the highest proportion of concentrated evil.


thebeaverton--2020-08-19--Oakland cop claims Ujiri’s chest caused permanent injuries to his fists

Oakland , CA – In the wake of a video clearly showing that he assaulted Raptors president Masai Ujiri , Oakland deputy Alan Strickland has amended his lawsuit to claim that Ujiri ’ s chest and stomach caused permanent injuries to his hands .
“ As everyone can see from the video , Ujiri ’ s chest , shoulders and stomach made a hard , violent impact on my balled up fists , ” said Strickland at a press conference , his hands now wrapped up in elaborate bandages and resting on a small pillow .
“ I don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the same.
” “ I need my hands to do my job .
Now how am I going to throw suspects against a wall or subtly plant a baggie of cocaine in a passenger seat .
My loss of income claim alone is going to be in the millions , ” he added .
Strickland then got up , attached his neck brace and limped away on crutches for some reason .
The video depicts Ujiri approaching the floor shortly after the Raptors ’ won , clearly happy and displaying the credentials allowing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s amended Statement of Claim he then , with no provocation at all , chose to throw his midsection at Strickland ’ s fists .
Shockingly he then backed up and threw his stomach at him again .
“ This just proves what the world has been saying : if police officers ’ fists are being attacked in full view of witnesses and cameras , what is happening when the cameras are turned off and no one is around ?
” said an Oakland police union spokesperson .
Strickland is seeking damages in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his lawyer said he may accept less if he receives a personal apology from Ujiri and everyone on twitter currently pointing out what a dickhead he is .

Oakland, CA – In the wake of a video clearly showing that he assaulted Raptors president Masai Ujiri, Oakland deputy Alan Strickland has amended his lawsuit to claim that Ujiri’s chest and stomach caused permanent injuries to his hands.
“As everyone can see from the video, Ujiri’s chest, shoulders and stomach made a hard, violent impact on my balled up fists,” said Strickland at a press conference, his hands now wrapped up in elaborate bandages and resting on a small pillow. “I don’t think my hands will ever be the same.”
“I need my hands to do my job. Now how am I going to throw suspects against a wall or subtly plant a baggie of cocaine in a passenger seat. My loss of income claim alone is going to be in the millions,” he added.
Strickland then got up, attached his neck brace and limped away on crutches for some reason.
The video depicts Ujiri approaching the floor shortly after the Raptors’ won, clearly happy and displaying the credentials allowing him access. According to Strickland’s amended Statement of Claim he then, with no provocation at all, chose to throw his midsection at Strickland’s fists. Shockingly he then backed up and threw his stomach at him again.
“This just proves what the world has been saying: if police officers’ fists are being attacked in full view of witnesses and cameras, what is happening when the cameras are turned off and no one is around?” said an Oakland police union spokesperson.
Strickland is seeking damages in the amount of $1,000,000.00. However his lawyer said he may accept less if he receives a personal apology from Ujiri and everyone on twitter currently pointing out what a dickhead he is.


thebeaverton--2020-08-19--Old man excited to walk around changeroom naked again

OSHAWA , ON – With gyms around the province reopening , local senior citizen Waylan Marshall is relieved to no longer have to resort to walking around the house naked .
“ Walking around in my birthday suit isn ’ t the same without an equally-naked old man walking with me , ” Marshall said , scratching at his scrotum for the third time since the interview started .
“ And all this COVID hubbub means I couldn ’ t even get young guys to wince at me at home .
The mailman wouldn ’ t come to my door @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and my sons said they aren ’ t coming by to visit until I put some pants on.
” Marshal also stated that he is fully prepared to accept the new safety measures put in pace for when he is allowed to reenter the gym .
“ I don ’ t mind if they make me wear a mask when I go in , as long as my genitals are still free !
And I ’ ll be sure to stand 6 feet away from others when I ’ m cutting my toenails @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hands when I blow my nose in my shower , but I think that ’ s a little redundant since I ’ m washing up already anyways.
” In anticipation for the reopening , Marshall has also already planned his routine .
“ First , I ’ m going to use that nice hand dryer to give my pubes a good blow dry .
Then , after a few toe-touches , I ’ m going to put one leg on the bench and watch Business news for 30 minutes or so .
If @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out and exercise for a bit , but we ’ ll see.
” Currently , Marshall holds the local record for the longest time spent in the changeroom at two consecutive weeks .

OSHAWA, ON – With gyms around the province reopening, local senior citizen Waylan Marshall is relieved to no longer have to resort to walking around the house naked.
“Walking around in my birthday suit isn’t the same without an equally-naked old man walking with me,” Marshall said, scratching at his scrotum for the third time since the interview started.
“And all this COVID hubbub means I couldn’t even get young guys to wince at me at home. The mailman wouldn’t come to my door, I got banned from Zoom, and my sons said they aren’t coming by to visit until I put some pants on.”
Marshal also stated that he is fully prepared to accept the new safety measures put in pace for when he is allowed to reenter the gym. “I don’t mind if they make me wear a mask when I go in, as long as my genitals are still free! And I’ll be sure to stand 6 feet away from others when I’m cutting my toenails. I would also start washing my hands when I blow my nose in my shower, but I think that’s a little redundant since I’m washing up already anyways.”
In anticipation for the reopening, Marshall has also already planned his routine. “First, I’m going to use that nice hand dryer to give my pubes a good blow dry. Then, after a few toe-touches, I’m going to put one leg on the bench and watch Business news for 30 minutes or so. If there’s time I might go out and exercise for a bit, but we’ll see.”
Currently, Marshall holds the local record for the longest time spent in the changeroom at two consecutive weeks.


thebeaverton--2020-08-20--“How could the ref not see that?” yells hockey fan willfully blind to sport’s co-opting by far right

VANCOUVER – Local man Dominic Derkins was furious at the refs for missing an obvious call in last night ’ s game , wondering if they are hard of sight while he and all other hockey fans are currently doing their best not to see how far right figures are turning to hockey as their sport of choice .
“ That was tripping !
The replay shows it clear as day , ” said Derkins as he scrolled past tweets from Eric and Donald Trump Jr. praising NHL players for standing during the American anthem in order to find video @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s like the refs are trying to look away !
” he added as he sped up past the comments from dudes with confederate flag avatars saying hockey is their new favourite sport .
Though Derkins knows refs can ’ t call minor offences like a soft slash or the culture of institutional racism in hockey , he still expects them to blow the whistle on the major calls .
“ it ’ s not just their job , it ’ s their obligation as human beings to point out when something @ @ @ @ @ @ @ added that everything would be so much better if only Don Cherry was still on the air .

VANCOUVER – Local man Dominic Derkins was furious at the refs for missing an obvious call in last night’s game, wondering if they are hard of sight while he and all other hockey fans are currently doing their best not to see how far right figures are turning to hockey as their sport of choice.
“That was tripping! The replay shows it clear as day,” said Derkins as he scrolled past tweets from Eric and Donald Trump Jr. praising NHL players for standing during the American anthem in order to find video of the alleged offence.
“It’s like the refs are trying to look away!” he added as he sped up past the comments from dudes with confederate flag avatars saying hockey is their new favourite sport.
Though Derkins knows refs can’t call minor offences like a soft slash or the culture of institutional racism in hockey, he still expects them to blow the whistle on the major calls.
“it’s not just their job, it’s their obligation as human beings to point out when something isn’t right!”
Derkins added that everything would be so much better if only Don Cherry was still on the air.


thebeaverton--2020-08-20--US prison overcrowding reaches critical mass due to Trump’s staff

WASHINGTON – Experts and prison staff are raising the alarm about overcrowding in US prisons due to Donald Trump ’ s staff .
“ We ’ re at a breaking point , ” said Yani Overbrooke , a prison warden in New York State .
“ State prisons are overwhelmed with special advisors , campaign managers , and lobbyists charged or convicted of fraud , witness tampering , lying to the FBI , lying to the Senate , money laundering , and conspiracy against the United States.
” Prisons in New York , Colorado , and Texas have been forced @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for Trump ’ s handpicked employees .
“ The inevitable pardons don ’ t appear to be preventing the constant flow of consultants , ” said Overbrooke .
“ But we can at least assure the public that non-violent criminals charged with simple drug offences will not be released.
” Other prisoners have expressed concern about the MAGA gang recruiting members and spreading their contempt for democracy .
“ I was serving time for attempted murder and carjacking , ” said a hardened M-13 member .
“ But then this guy started talking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I knew it , I was trying to hack into Joe Biden son ’ s cell phone.
” The kingpin of the MAGA gang is still at large and running the Presidency .

WASHINGTON – Experts and prison staff are raising the alarm about overcrowding in US prisons due to Donald Trump’s staff.
“We’re at a breaking point,” said Yani Overbrooke, a prison warden in New York State. “State prisons are overwhelmed with special advisors, campaign managers, and lobbyists charged or convicted of fraud, witness tampering, lying to the FBI, lying to the Senate, money laundering, and conspiracy against the United States.”
Prisons in New York, Colorado, and Texas have been forced to release several arsonists to make way for Trump’s handpicked employees.
“The inevitable pardons don’t appear to be preventing the constant flow of consultants,” said Overbrooke. “But we can at least assure the public that non-violent criminals charged with simple drug offences will not be released.”
Other prisoners have expressed concern about the MAGA gang recruiting members and spreading their contempt for democracy.
“I was serving time for attempted murder and carjacking,” said a hardened M-13 member. “But then this guy started talking about Hillary’s emails. Before I knew it, I was trying to hack into Joe Biden son’s cell phone.”
The kingpin of the MAGA gang is still at large and running the Presidency.


thebeaverton--2020-08-20--EDITORIAL: The WE scandal proves that charities fucking suck at doing crimes

As a Canadian , the WE scandal is hugely embarrassing to me .
But as a lifelong petty criminal who worships the craft of constructing the perfect grift , it ’ s fucking humiliating to behold .
I ’ m beginning to think Canada has a problem : Our charities fucking suck at doing crimes .
The WE charity is a youth-centric initiative that connects rich kids with opportunities to go to concerts .
CONCERTS !
The petty crime capital of the old , pre-COVID world .
WE Charity could have tried their hands at pickpocketing , sold intentionally watered-down @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would have been cooler than… hold on , let me check my notes… “ paying the prime minister ’ s mom and brother speaking fees possibly in exchange for preferential political treatment ” .
Have some self-respect !
At least try to sell Prince Harry some bath salts !
!
!
I know what you ’ re thinking , and yes .
Bribery is bad .
But if I ’ m being honest , it ’ s mostly done by narcs , dorks , and cops .
It ’ s a crime for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ free , die young , and take what they want .
Craig Kielburger could have gotten busted for street racing a peppy little Kawasaki down the 401 with saddlebags full of stolen coronavirus vaccine , but instead he is a perpetual disappointment to me and my crime friends .
Danny Ocean would be spinning in his grave if he was actually dead .
Not to brag , but I totally grew up with Craig and Marc , and they really could have been the Thelma and Louise of Canadian brothers .
We used @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the brig loaded to the brim with everything a rowdy boy needs to get started in crime : unmarked euros , bad cocaine , and somebody ’ s accountant uncle .
It ’ s heartbreaking to me to see that much wasted potential on the international stage .
Especially Marc , who is also pretty hot .
But I get it : soft-palmed millennials are too afraid to get their hands dirty with the real gritty stuff .
But if you ’ re gon na do white collar crime , at least @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rolodex is full of celebrities , all desperately begging to be blackmailed , extorted , or manipulated .
Marc Kielburger REALLY met Oprah and didn ’ t even TRY to trick her into breaking into the Louvre to steal the ugliest painting in a wild bid to make it famous .
Come on .
I bet Oprah was insulted .
And then you blow $ 41k on plane tickets for Bill Morneau , knowing full well he ’ d NEVER be down to collude with Russian government in exchange for permission to construct @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the Kremlin in Moscow ?
THAT ’ S WEAK , BOYS !
!
!
It ’ s time for charities to get serious about doing crimes .
WE charity is a wash at this point , but there ’ s still time for Meals on Wheels to join the Triad , or for the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation to open up a new program dedicated to funding and then ransacking those labs that grow diamonds .
Even the Salvation Army ’ s brutal subjugation of the LGBT+ community is more of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crime , so I can ’ t even sign off on that .
Hell , if it ’ s what it takes to make this right , I ’ ll even pitch in personally .
If the Humane Society lets me feed some very small diamonds to a few dogs for temporary safekeeping , I ’ ll cut them in on the fence .
Because sometimes all you need is a hand up , and I ’ m willing to be that hand .
Especially if it gets me closer to stealing your @ @

By Kent Gutterman
As a Canadian, the WE scandal is hugely embarrassing to me. But as a lifelong petty criminal who worships the craft of constructing the perfect grift, it’s fucking humiliating to behold. I’m beginning to think Canada has a problem: Our charities fucking suck at doing crimes.
The WE charity is a youth-centric initiative that connects rich kids with opportunities to go to concerts. CONCERTS! The petty crime capital of the old, pre-COVID world. WE Charity could have tried their hands at pickpocketing, sold intentionally watered-down drinks, even vaping in the bathroom would have been cooler than… hold on, let me check my notes… “paying the prime minister’s mom and brother speaking fees possibly in exchange for preferential political treatment”. Have some self-respect! At least try to sell Prince Harry some bath salts!!!
I know what you’re thinking, and yes. Bribery is bad. But if I’m being honest, it’s mostly done by narcs, dorks, and cops. It’s a crime for cowards who are too scared to live free, die young, and take what they want. Craig Kielburger could have gotten busted for street racing a peppy little Kawasaki down the 401 with saddlebags full of stolen coronavirus vaccine, but instead he is a perpetual disappointment to me and my crime friends. Danny Ocean would be spinning in his grave if he was actually dead.
Not to brag, but I totally grew up with Craig and Marc, and they really could have been the Thelma and Louise of Canadian brothers. We used to do boat stunts in lake Ontario, the brig loaded to the brim with everything a rowdy boy needs to get started in crime: unmarked euros, bad cocaine, and somebody’s accountant uncle. It’s heartbreaking to me to see that much wasted potential on the international stage. Especially Marc, who is also pretty hot.
But I get it: soft-palmed millennials are too afraid to get their hands dirty with the real gritty stuff. But if you’re gonna do white collar crime, at least do it right. The WE charity rolodex is full of celebrities, all desperately begging to be blackmailed, extorted, or manipulated. Marc Kielburger REALLY met Oprah and didn’t even TRY to trick her into breaking into the Louvre to steal the ugliest painting in a wild bid to make it famous. Come on. I bet Oprah was insulted. And then you blow $41k on plane tickets for Bill Morneau, knowing full well he’d NEVER be down to collude with Russian government in exchange for permission to construct a massive condo building in the shadow of the Kremlin in Moscow? THAT’S WEAK, BOYS!!!
It’s time for charities to get serious about doing crimes. WE charity is a wash at this point, but there’s still time for Meals on Wheels to join the Triad, or for the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation to open up a new program dedicated to funding and then ransacking those labs that grow diamonds. Even the Salvation Army’s brutal subjugation of the LGBT+ community is more of a crime against humanity than a fun crime, so I can’t even sign off on that.
Hell, if it’s what it takes to make this right, I’ll even pitch in personally. If the Humane Society lets me feed some very small diamonds to a few dogs for temporary safekeeping, I’ll cut them in on the fence. Because sometimes all you need is a hand up, and I’m willing to be that hand. Especially if it gets me closer to stealing your watch.


thebeaverton--2020-08-21--Local woman unsure what to do with hands during conversation casually cups own breast

ST. JOHNS — Anita Debra , local barista , didn ’ t know what to do with her hands during a recent lull in a conversation , ultimately opting to cup her own breast .
“ I just didn ’ t know what to do with my hands , ” says Anita , remarking on her recent cupping during a Zoom call with coworkers .
A moment too late , everyone realized they had forgotten to un-mute themselves to react in time to the climax of their boss ’ s hilarious “ double shift ” story they ’ d heard @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they went to un-mute , the energy had left the virtual room .
Most people desperately grabbed a drink , Anita grabbed something else .
It was a classic case of being unsure of what to do with your hands , as we learned from the recording that was retrieved from the meeting .
“ There !
” Anita paused the video , “ that was the exact moment when I realized my hands were just dangling like two limp hot dog buns.
” “ I was on the spot .
I didn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” she continued as she pressed play .
“ As you can see I then tried to grab two coffee mugs at the same time .
When that didn ’ t work out , I tried to French braid my hair only to realize I have extremely short hair and have no clue how to do a French braid .
And then , I gave up .
I just did what I had to do.
” Her coworker , Danya , had this to say .
“ Honestly , I was doing it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ did that trick where you attach both of the sleeves of your sweater so that it looks like your hands are folded in front meanwhile on the inside you can cup away to your heart ’ s content.
” Then with one hand she threw her bar cloth over her shoulder like she was a regular on Cheers , another hand she used to lean confidently on a broom handle , and with a knowing wink her third hand continued to sneakily clasp firmly at her bosom .
Debra ’ s mother commented @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , “ This is a very normal reaction to stress .
As I write this , I too am cupping my breast .
Both breasts actually .
As did my mother before me and as did her mother before her.
” She closed her email with a string of emoticons which while not inappropriate in and of themselves , were extremely nonsensical and misplaced .

ST. JOHNS — Anita Debra, local barista, didn’t know what to do with her hands during a recent lull in a conversation, ultimately opting to cup her own breast.
“I just didn’t know what to do with my hands,” says Anita, remarking on her recent cupping during a Zoom call with coworkers. A moment too late, everyone realized they had forgotten to un-mute themselves to react in time to the climax of their boss’s hilarious “double shift” story they’d heard a million times. By the time they went to un-mute, the energy had left the virtual room. Most people desperately grabbed a drink, Anita grabbed something else.
It was a classic case of being unsure of what to do with your hands, as we learned from the recording that was retrieved from the meeting. “There!” Anita paused the video, “that was the exact moment when I realized my hands were just dangling like two limp hot dog buns.”
“I was on the spot. I didn’t know what to do,” she continued as she pressed play. “As you can see I then tried to grab two coffee mugs at the same time. When that didn’t work out, I tried to French braid my hair only to realize I have extremely short hair and have no clue how to do a French braid. And then, I gave up. I just did what I had to do.”
Her coworker, Danya, had this to say. “Honestly, I was doing it too but no one noticed. I did that trick where you attach both of the sleeves of your sweater so that it looks like your hands are folded in front meanwhile on the inside you can cup away to your heart’s content.” Then with one hand she threw her bar cloth over her shoulder like she was a regular on Cheers, another hand she used to lean confidently on a broom handle, and with a knowing wink her third hand continued to sneakily clasp firmly at her bosom.
Debra’s mother commented on the hubbub via email, stating, “This is a very normal reaction to stress. As I write this, I too am cupping my breast. Both breasts actually. As did my mother before me and as did her mother before her.”
She closed her email with a string of emoticons which while not inappropriate in and of themselves, were extremely nonsensical and misplaced.


thebeaverton--2020-08-21--Canada searches for new country to compare ourselves to now that U.S. is too sad

OTTAWA – The Canadian Government announced today that they are searching for a new benchmark country Canadians can compare to now that the situation in the U.S. has reached ‘ this is fine ’ meme levels .
‘ We always liked comparing ourselves to America because of how good it makes us look , ” said PM Justin Trudeau .
“ But now it kind of feels like an ok marathon runner comparing his time to a centipede that recently suffered a grievous injury .
It ’ s just not fair.
” “ What ’ s Ireland up to these @ @ @ @ @ @ @ abandon the constant U.S. comparisons has been considered ever since Trump ’ s election .
But after Canadian officials watched America ’ s incompetent response to the pandemic , the rise of QANON and that Alex Jones video where he screams at lifegaurds , the decision was made .
“ They don ’ t even have the best basketball team anymore , ” said one civil servant .
The selection process for our new comparison country could take months .
Naturally Canada can ’ t select a country doing better than us since @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so that rules out most of Europe and Asia .
Britain is a strong contender given the Boris/Brexit thing , and some in the government are feeling “ real good ” about Brazil ’ s prospects .
“ Personally my money is on South Africa .
It has that history of colonization and racism that Canadians know well , ” said another official .
The U.S. is unaware of Canada ’ s choice , as it is too busy comparing itself to the mythical version of America its textbooks tell them once existed @

OTTAWA – The Canadian Government announced today that they are searching for a new benchmark country Canadians can compare to now that the situation in the U.S. has reached ‘this is fine’ meme levels.
‘We always liked comparing ourselves to America because of how good it makes us look,” said PM Justin Trudeau. “But now it kind of feels like an ok marathon runner comparing his time to a centipede that recently suffered a grievous injury. It’s just not fair.”
“What’s Ireland up to these days anyway?”
The decision to abandon the constant U.S. comparisons has been considered ever since Trump’s election. But after Canadian officials watched America’s incompetent response to the pandemic, the rise of QANON and that Alex Jones video where he screams at lifegaurds, the decision was made.
“They don’t even have the best basketball team anymore,” said one civil servant.
The selection process for our new comparison country could take months. Naturally Canada can’t select a country doing better than us since that would crush our fragile egos, so that rules out most of Europe and Asia. Britain is a strong contender given the Boris/Brexit thing, and some in the government are feeling “real good” about Brazil’s prospects.
“Personally my money is on South Africa. It has that history of colonization and racism that Canadians know well,” said another official.
The U.S. is unaware of Canada’s choice, as it is too busy comparing itself to the mythical version of America its textbooks tell them once existed.


thebeaverton--2020-08-21--200 Ontario cops hired to force teachers back into schools

TORONTO – Ontario ’ s PC government is hiring an additional 200 OPP officers to force any unruly teachers back @ @ @ @ @ friends , teacher unions are the greatest threat to the health of our students , @ @ @ @ @ Ford speaking at a press conference .
“ The OPP will be making round the @ @ @ @ @ community members to identify any at-risk teachers who express concern for their safety and the @ @ @ @ @ The new officers will be tasked with rounding up truant teachers and jamming them back @ @ @ @ @ they will be forced to teach .
School safety officers will be placed in high @ @ @ @ @ “ tries to do a runner ” and a tactical team is on stand-by for @ @ @ @ @ be extracted from their homes .
Any teachers caught playing hooky for their safety may @ @ @ @ @ years of hard Grade 7 labour or 10 beanings with a dodgeball .
Ford assured @ @ @ @ @ be fully funded thanks to cuts in school programs for disadvantaged children .

TORONTO – Ontario’s PC government is hiring an additional 200 OPP officers to force any unruly teachers back into classrooms.
“My friends, teacher unions are the greatest threat to the health of our students,” said Ontario Premier Doug Ford speaking at a press conference. “The OPP will be making round the clock patrols and working with community members to identify any at-risk teachers who express concern for their safety and the safety of their students.”
The new officers will be tasked with rounding up truant teachers and jamming them back into standard closet-sized classrooms where they will be forced to teach.
School safety officers will be placed in high schools in case a teacher “tries to do a runner” and a tactical team is on stand-by for any teachers who need to be extracted from their homes.
Any teachers caught playing hooky for their safety may be sentenced up to 10 years of hard Grade 7 labour or 10 beanings with a dodgeball.
Ford assured that the new officers will be fully funded thanks to cuts in school programs for disadvantaged children.


thebeaverton--2020-08-22--Uranus tired of being a punchline, would like to explore its dramatic side

OUTER SOLAR SYSTEM – The seventh planet from the sun is done being treated as a joke and is demanding humanity start taking it and its dramatic aspirations seriously .
“ Neptune doesn ’ t have to put up with all this bum humour shit , ” Uranus said , taking a long drag on its cigarette .
“ We ’ re both ice giants — yeah , that ’ s right , I ’ m not a gas giant , so your fart jokes about me are not only puerile , but scientifically inaccurate — and it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ finds butts hilarious , I ’ m a joke to you people.
” Uranus is hoping that once it educates the English speaking public through its dramatic and educational one planet show Uranus , Up Close , the derriere references will stop .
“ I ’ m the coldest planet in the solar system , ” Uranus said .
“ I ’ m only 49 degrees above absolute zero .
I ’ m a serious planetary body , full of ammonia and yes , methane — I know , fart gas — but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gas giant !
I ’ m huge and icy and distant , like an authority figure you ’ ve never met but who you know would disapprove of you .
I should inspire awe , not giggles.
” “ Did you know I have diamond rain ?
And I ’ m covered in a featureless layer of clouds , which only adds to my mystery — yes , some of the clouds are methane , omg , can you get your minds out of your asses for one minute ?
” Neptune , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ worried about what will happen when the show doesn ’ t have the effect Uranus thinks it will .
“ I mean , no matter how majestic or terrifying it is , at the end of the day its name in English will still sound like ‘ your anus.
’ ” “ I just hope you people wise up and start treating Uranus better than you did Pluto .
It ’ s always been a bit goth , really leaned into the god of the underworld vibe , but since you downgraded it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , it ’ s positively morose .
”

OUTER SOLAR SYSTEM – The seventh planet from the sun is done being treated as a joke and is demanding humanity start taking it and its dramatic aspirations seriously.
“Neptune doesn’t have to put up with all this bum humour shit,” Uranus said, taking a long drag on its cigarette. “We’re both ice giants — yeah, that’s right, I’m not a gas giant, so your fart jokes about me are not only puerile, but scientifically inaccurate — and it’s not fair that just because your species finds butts hilarious, I’m a joke to you people.”
Uranus is hoping that once it educates the English speaking public through its dramatic and educational one planet show Uranus, Up Close, the derriere references will stop.
“I’m the coldest planet in the solar system,” Uranus said. “I’m only 49 degrees above absolute zero. I’m a serious planetary body, full of ammonia and yes, methane — I know, fart gas — but to reiterate, I am not a gas giant! I’m huge and icy and distant, like an authority figure you’ve never met but who you know would disapprove of you. I should inspire awe, not giggles.”
“Did you know I have diamond rain? And I’m covered in a featureless layer of clouds, which only adds to my mystery — yes, some of the clouds are methane, omg, can you get your minds out of your asses for one minute?”
Neptune, Uranus’ fellow ice giant, is worried about what will happen when the show doesn’t have the effect Uranus thinks it will. “I mean, no matter how majestic or terrifying it is, at the end of the day its name in English will still sound like ‘your anus.’”
“I just hope you people wise up and start treating Uranus better than you did Pluto. It’s always been a bit goth, really leaned into the god of the underworld vibe, but since you downgraded it to a satellite or comet or whatever, it’s positively morose.”


thebeaverton--2020-08-22--Lonely man sad to have no matches on contact tracing app

WINDSOR , ON – In the throes of late-stage quarantining Robert Greene , 55 , advanced his long-lasting search for love and romance by downloading the widely spreading COVID-19 contact tracing app , but has gotten no matches with it .
“ I ’ m an older , slower guy .
I watched all these young ’ uns find love on OKCupid , Tinder , TikTok .
And I decided to get in on the lovin ’ by downloading this new app everyone ’ s been talking about , ” Greene said brandishing his brand new iPhone 11 Pro .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ 1 , but the app forced me to upgrade.
” “ So far the only message I ’ ve gotten is ‘ No exposure detected.
’ I haven ’ t even exposed myself yet , though the private pictures are ready and waiting.
” Greene heard that the Windsor-Essex region was a hotspot , so the lonely fellow decided to move there from abroad to find a match .
He then found himself required to spend 14 days in isolation , furthering his solitude .
“ I had so many slick pick-up lines @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gestured to his notification-free device .
“ Looking for mask-for-mask ?
Wan na be my quaran-ting ?
Call me bacteria ‘ cause I wan na be all over you .
I have a million of these gems !
I haven ’ t traced a single contact this whole time.
” Despite not being able to discover true love through the public safety app , Greene pursued his happiness by searching up missed connections on Google Maps and by hoping the next amber alert he gets would happen to be a broad declaration of @ @

WINDSOR, ON – In the throes of late-stage quarantining Robert Greene, 55, advanced his long-lasting search for love and romance by downloading the widely spreading COVID-19 contact tracing app, but has gotten no matches with it.
“I’m an older, slower guy. I watched all these young’uns find love on OKCupid, Tinder, TikTok. And I decided to get in on the lovin’ by downloading this new app everyone’s been talking about,” Greene said brandishing his brand new iPhone 11 Pro. “I used to have an iPhone 1, but the app forced me to upgrade.”
“So far the only message I’ve gotten is ‘No exposure detected.’ I haven’t even exposed myself yet, though the private pictures are ready and waiting.”
Greene heard that the Windsor-Essex region was a hotspot, so the lonely fellow decided to move there from abroad to find a match. He then found himself required to spend 14 days in isolation, furthering his solitude.
“I had so many slick pick-up lines too!” Greene whined as he gestured to his notification-free device. “Looking for mask-for-mask? Wanna be my quaran-ting? Call me bacteria ‘cause I wanna be all over you. I have a million of these gems! I haven’t traced a single contact this whole time.”
Despite not being able to discover true love through the public safety app, Greene pursued his happiness by searching up missed connections on Google Maps and by hoping the next amber alert he gets would happen to be a broad declaration of love.


thebeaverton--2020-08-23--Paper shredder working hard to process as many ballots at Conservative Party Leadership vote

OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada ’ s leadership election has started without a hitch dozens of paper shredders @ @ @ @ @ they can be counted .
“ We have a new system in place , ” @ @ @ @ @ and leadership campaign co-chair Lisa Raitt .
“ One machine can destroy a ballot in @ @ @ @ @ which is much quicker than the five seconds it took during the 2017 vote.
” @ @ @ @ @ choose who they wanted as their next leader , and then mail them into an @ @ @ @ @ are currently being shredded and burned .
Insiders are expected to make their choice later @ @ @

OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada’s leadership election has started without a hitch dozens of paper shredders destroying as many ballots before they can be counted.
“We have a new system in place,” said former Conservative deputy leader and leadership campaign co-chair Lisa Raitt. “One machine can destroy a ballot in less than three seconds, which is much quicker than the five seconds it took during the 2017 vote.”
Party members were asked to choose who they wanted as their next leader, and then mail them into an Ottawa processing center where they are currently being shredded and burned.
Insiders are expected to make their choice later this evening.
More to come…


thebeaverton--2020-08-23--Where are all these Covid parties and why am I not invited?

The recent spike of Covid-19 cases in Vancouver has people worried , and believe me , I am too .
People are gathering on boats , in clubs , and in houses , throwing parties and probably having wild , unprotected sex in droves .
As someone who is in the age range of those primarily causing the outbreak in this city , I can ’ t help but wonder , am I not cool enough to be invited to these parties ?
I consider myself a relatively easy-going person .
I drink alcohol and I ’ ve stopped getting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of me .
My parents are cool enough to not care how long I stay out on weekends .
And , I can quote almost every line from The Office if people don ’ t join in and interrupt me .
I feel as if I would be an amazing guest at anyone ’ s soirée .
So why , am I not spending my nights dancing my 20s away in a crowd of perfect strangers in the midst of a global pandemic ?
I am an extremely fun person to have around… @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Everytime I ask my friends if they want to go out for a night on the town they say things like “ Vancouver has the highest rate of cases it ’ s ever had , ” “ We should really be limiting our social bubbles to 6 people , ” or “ Bridgette , we sat beside each other in French class 10 years ago why are you talking to me ?
” Frankly , all I hear are excuses .
The summer of 2020 is coming to a close and I haven @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people .
Recently I ’ ve resorted to going out by myself , walking around neighbourhoods and listening for rambunctious back-yard parties or secret raves .
I ’ ve gotten addicted to the rush of sneaking into places , standing around , and then leaving because I ’ m anxious around new people .
I ’ ve snuck into hotel rooms , clubs , and the occasional party bus , but boat parties remain my white whale .
During these strange and unprecedented times , we are all feeling a little lonely .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ physical health… so you ’ re actually making Covid worse by excluding me from your fun parties .
So to all the other Vancouverites out there looking for another cool and hip twenty-something to party with , hit me up !
All of my grandparents are dead anyways , so I ’ m good to go !

by Bridgette Moi
The recent spike of Covid-19 cases in Vancouver has people worried, and believe me, I am too. People are gathering on boats, in clubs, and in houses, throwing parties and probably having wild, unprotected sex in droves. As someone who is in the age range of those primarily causing the outbreak in this city, I can’t help but wonder, am I not cool enough to be invited to these parties?
I consider myself a relatively easy-going person. I drink alcohol and I’ve stopped getting scared when people do weed in front of me. My parents are cool enough to not care how long I stay out on weekends. And, I can quote almost every line from The Office if people don’t join in and interrupt me.
I feel as if I would be an amazing guest at anyone’s soirée. So why, am I not spending my nights dancing my 20s away in a crowd of perfect strangers in the midst of a global pandemic? I am an extremely fun person to have around… plus I can do the worm!
Everytime I ask my friends if they want to go out for a night on the town they say things like “Vancouver has the highest rate of cases it’s ever had,” “We should really be limiting our social bubbles to 6 people,” or “Bridgette, we sat beside each other in French class 10 years ago why are you talking to me?” Frankly, all I hear are excuses.
The summer of 2020 is coming to a close and I haven’t made out with nearly enough people. Recently I’ve resorted to going out by myself, walking around neighbourhoods and listening for rambunctious back-yard parties or secret raves. I’ve gotten addicted to the rush of sneaking into places, standing around, and then leaving because I’m anxious around new people. I’ve snuck into hotel rooms, clubs, and the occasional party bus, but boat parties remain my white whale.
During these strange and unprecedented times, we are all feeling a little lonely. Mental health plays a big part in physical health… so you’re actually making Covid worse by excluding me from your fun parties.
So to all the other Vancouverites out there looking for another cool and hip twenty-something to party with, hit me up! All of my grandparents are dead anyways, so I’m good to go!


thebeaverton--2020-08-24--Conservative Party announces this the best they could do

OTTAWA – In an announcement over Zoom from its headquarters , the Conservative Party of Canada revealed after a months-long campaign , that this , this , is the best the party has to offer .
“ Look guys , we tried really hard , ” said Conservative Party Scott Lamb .
“ It is what it is.
” Lamb started by apologizing for the delayed result , telling reporters to “ give us a break , most of our supporters have just gotten used to Blackberrys.
” The decision to elect Erin O ’ Toole as the party ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ where the organization made what Lamb is adamant was “ an honest-to-god effort ” to find someone appealing , relatable , and capable of understanding what most people in the country want in a prime minister .
He was adamant that despite the candidates fielded and the final result , the Conservative Party is an organization with tens of millions of dollars in funding and almost 300,000 members who ostensibly read the news and are serious about governing the country .
“ We really busted our ass on this , ” says party @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know how hard it is to subtly hint you ’ ll roll back abortion rights without pissing off young people , women , and anybody who lives in a city ?
It ’ s really hard .
Super hard.
” Most supporters are not worried .
“ For a party whose intellectual foundation consists of Anthony Furey and The Rebel , this is beyond anything anybody could have imagined , ” explains strategist and supporter Kory Teneycke .
“ Erin perhaps isn ’ t the most inspiring candidate , but considering the alternative @ @ @ @ @ @ @ glasses and hoping nobody would notice , this is a stellar result.
” When asked why O ’ Toole still lacked a plan to seriously combat climate change or help indigenous peoples , party officials replied that “ they were only human ” , and “ what , you want the moon moved a little to the left as well ?
”

OTTAWA – In an announcement over Zoom from its headquarters, the Conservative Party of Canada revealed after a months-long campaign, that this, this, is the best the party has to offer.
“Look guys, we tried really hard,” said Conservative Party President Scott Lamb. “It is what it is.”
Lamb started by apologizing for the delayed result, telling reporters to “give us a break, most of our supporters have just gotten used to Blackberrys.”
The decision to elect Erin O’Toole as the party’s new leader follows a months-long campaign where the organization made what Lamb is adamant was “an honest-to-god effort” to find someone appealing, relatable, and capable of understanding what most people in the country want in a prime minister.
He was adamant that despite the candidates fielded and the final result, the Conservative Party is an organization with tens of millions of dollars in funding and almost 300,000 members who ostensibly read the news and are serious about governing the country.
“We really busted our ass on this,” says party insider Jenni Byrne. “Do you know how hard it is to subtly hint you’ll roll back abortion rights without pissing off young people, women, and anybody who lives in a city? It’s really hard. Super hard.”
Most supporters are not worried.
“For a party whose intellectual foundation consists of Anthony Furey and The Rebel, this is beyond anything anybody could have imagined,” explains strategist and supporter Kory Teneycke. “Erin perhaps isn’t the most inspiring candidate, but considering the alternative was making Andrew Scheer put on groucho glasses and hoping nobody would notice, this is a stellar result.”
When asked why O’Toole still lacked a plan to seriously combat climate change or help indigenous peoples, party officials replied that “they were only human”, and “what, you want the moon moved a little to the left as well?”


thebeaverton--2020-08-24--Chris Cuthbert interrupts scintillating promo for new CBC Gem show with silly hockey game

EDMONTON – The second round of CBC Gem promos began over the weekend on Sportsnet , and while the shows promised countless thrills many fans were upset at the near constant interruptions care of a stupid hockey game .
Announcer Chris Cuthbert was right in the middle of asking viewers what happens when two people from the wrong side of the tracks end up on a runaway train ( Derailed , coming this fall ) when the ref dropped the puck early , forcing him to break from the ad read and talk about some inane sport .
Sportsnet is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a minimum to give fans more time to hear about CBC Gem ’ s incredible slate of upcoming series , including a cooking show featuring 10 strangers , 1 cow , and no reservations ( Moove Over , coming this Christmas ) , but the company insists including some hockey is key to their profitability .
Cuthbert says he understands viewers ’ frustrations and he feels them himself .
“ I ’ ve trained almost my entire adult life to read these promos , ” said Cuthbert .
“ When I was a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ around for endless boring minutes in between ads and I ’ d always think ‘ why aren ’ t they letting Bob Cole tell us about The Beachcombers during the game ?
’ So to have the opportunity to read those ads now myself , these are the moments you dream about.
” “ But I also understand that you have to eat your vegetables , and for us that means describing some tedious goal or unremarkable acrobatic save in between the good stuff .
Like making sure people are ready to meet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to get turned upside down when he finds out his mom is a robot ( Motherborg , starting November 1st ) .
” In response to overwhelming demand for more advertisements , Rogers is exploring having full screen promos play throughout the hockey broadcast with a small pop up window showing game action .

EDMONTON – The second round of CBC Gem promos began over the weekend on Sportsnet, and while the shows promised countless thrills many fans were upset at the near constant interruptions care of a stupid hockey game.
Announcer Chris Cuthbert was right in the middle of asking viewers what happens when two people from the wrong side of the tracks end up on a runaway train (Derailed, coming this fall) when the ref dropped the puck early, forcing him to break from the ad read and talk about some inane sport.
Sportsnet is trying to keep the hockey chatter to a minimum to give fans more time to hear about CBC Gem’s incredible slate of upcoming series, including a cooking show featuring 10 strangers, 1 cow, and no reservations (Moove Over, coming this Christmas), but the company insists including some hockey is key to their profitability. Cuthbert says he understands viewers’ frustrations and he feels them himself.
“I’ve trained almost my entire adult life to read these promos,” said Cuthbert. “When I was a kid I remember watching Guy Lafleur skate around for endless boring minutes in between ads and I’d always think ‘why aren’t they letting Bob Cole tell us about The Beachcombers during the game?’ So to have the opportunity to read those ads now myself, these are the moments you dream about.”
“But I also understand that you have to eat your vegetables, and for us that means describing some tedious goal or unremarkable acrobatic save in between the good stuff. Like making sure people are ready to meet one Toronto teen whose life is about to get turned upside down when he finds out his mom is a robot (Motherborg, starting November 1st).”
In response to overwhelming demand for more advertisements, Rogers is exploring having full screen promos play throughout the hockey broadcast with a small pop up window showing game action.


thebeaverton--2020-08-24--Newly announced BlackBerry phone set to disrupt 2006 tech market

AUSTIN , TX – Mobile security brand OnwardMobility announced today that they will be launching a new version of the BlackBerry phone .
Early reports from tech analysts say the device could shake up the 2006 cellular market .
While BlackBerry Ltd stopped manufacturing phones in 2016 , they have offered licenses to any company willing to purchase them .
This offer has understandably seen very little interest , that is until now .
“ This is an incredible opportunity for us to really disrupt the mobile phone space , ” said OnwardMobility CEO Peter Franklin .
“ Imagine having @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the palm of your hand .
Soon our customers won ’ t have to imagine it because they ’ ll be living it.
” The new BlackBerry 5G phones will also feature a physical keyboard , a feature every other smartphone manufacturer abandoned more than a decade ago .
“ People don ’ t sit at home rubbing their fingers all over their computer screens , ” said Franklin .
“ Phones are basically computers , right ?
So we should treat them the same.
” The company also announced that regular software @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Snake ” to the handset as early as next year .
“ And did I mention this thing also makes phone calls ?
” Franklin concluded gleefully .
At press time , it was rumoured that OnwardMobility had reached out to Motorola to license their popular pager technology for release in 2025 .

AUSTIN, TX – Mobile security brand OnwardMobility announced today that they will be launching a new version of the BlackBerry phone. Early reports from tech analysts say the device could shake up the 2006 cellular market.
While BlackBerry Ltd stopped manufacturing phones in 2016, they have offered licenses to any company willing to purchase them. This offer has understandably seen very little interest, that is until now.
“This is an incredible opportunity for us to really disrupt the mobile phone space,” said OnwardMobility CEO Peter Franklin. “Imagine having e-mail, internet and voicemail all in the palm of your hand. Soon our customers won’t have to imagine it because they’ll be living it.”
The new BlackBerry 5G phones will also feature a physical keyboard, a feature every other smartphone manufacturer abandoned more than a decade ago. “People don’t sit at home rubbing their fingers all over their computer screens,” said Franklin. “Phones are basically computers, right? So we should treat them the same.”
The company also announced that regular software updates could bring the popular game “Snake” to the handset as early as next year. “And did I mention this thing also makes phone calls?” Franklin concluded gleefully.
At press time, it was rumoured that OnwardMobility had reached out to Motorola to license their popular pager technology for release in 2025.


thebeaverton--2020-08-24--Guy who has definitely gotten into a fight at a minor league hockey game wins Conservative leadershi

Guy who has definitely gotten into a fight at a minor league hockey game wins Conservative leadership

OTTAWA – Moving on from Andrew Scheer The Conservative Party has selected for it ’ s leader Durham MP and guy who has for sure gotten into a tussle at a minor league hockey game Erin O ’ Toole .
“ Canadians did not respond to Andrew Scheer ’ s brand of smiley , passive-aggressive social conservatism , ” said MP Scott Aitchison .
“ So clearly it ’ s time for Erin O ’ Toole ’ s brand of ‘ gruff , throw coffee at another hockey dad , call the ref a bitch ’ social conservatism.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back from the Trudeau Liberals and that idiot opposing coach who got in Erin ’ s face first !
” O ’ Toole won support from hardline Conservatives who liked his commitment to de-regulation , gun ownership and totally jerseying any punk in the stands who insulted his kid or looked at him funny .
“ You just know that guy has been getting into kerfuffles , scrapes and donnybrooks all the way around the Greater Toronto Hockey League .
Really speaks to regular everyday Canadians like me who just need to take @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said voter Dave Pritchett .
O ’ Toole won over his competitors ‘ guy who called his ex-girlfriend a liberal dog ’ ‘ woman who sounds good until you look into any of her policies ’ and ‘ guy whose transparent racism will not stop him from being appointed to cabinet if Conservatives form government .
’

OTTAWA – Moving on from Andrew Scheer The Conservative Party has selected for it’s leader Durham MP and guy who has for sure gotten into a tussle at a minor league hockey game Erin O’Toole.
“Canadians did not respond to Andrew Scheer’s brand of smiley, passive-aggressive social conservatism,” said MP Scott Aitchison. “So clearly it’s time for Erin O’Toole’s brand of ‘gruff, throw coffee at another hockey dad, call the ref a bitch’ social conservatism.”
“It’s time to take Canada back from the Trudeau Liberals and that idiot opposing coach who got in Erin’s face first!”
O’Toole won support from hardline Conservatives who liked his commitment to de-regulation, gun ownership and totally jerseying any punk in the stands who insulted his kid or looked at him funny.
“You just know that guy has been getting into kerfuffles, scrapes and donnybrooks all the way around the Greater Toronto Hockey League. Really speaks to regular everyday Canadians like me who just need to take out their anger on somebody,” said voter Dave Pritchett.
O’Toole won over his competitors ‘guy who called his ex-girlfriend a liberal dog’ ‘woman who sounds good until you look into any of her policies’ and ‘guy whose transparent racism will not stop him from being appointed to cabinet if Conservatives form government.’


thebeaverton--2020-08-24--Trump counters Kasich, Powell endorsements by securing backing of prominent Democrats

WASHINGTON D.C. – Ahead of the Republican National Convention President Trump announced endorsements from Democrats Ghislaine Maxwell and Harvey Weinstein , intended to counter last week ’ s Republican support for Joe Biden .
“ Can you believe we locked down these superstar names , ” Trump shouted to a group of reporters outside the White House .
Ghislaine and Maxwell , both currently indicted on various counts of sexual assault and trafficking , were known for donating to Democratic causes before their respective high-profile scandals and arrests .
However , Trump reportedly has spent the last several weeks courting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Let me tell you , Ghislaine and Harvey are not easy people to get a hold of these days , ” Trump explained .
“ I mean , we know exactly where they are – they ’ re both currently in prison – but I mean these two massively huge celebrities finally agreed to get onboard the Trump Train !
” “ Checkmate , Democrats , ” Trump beamed as he finally boarded the idling Air Force One .
Following the endorsement of several high profile Republicans for Biden , including former @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of State Colin Powell , as well as hundreds of former Republican intelligence and security officials , Trump reportedly demanded to “ get one of them on our side.
” After exhausting his entire rolodex , Trump reportedly contacted the two indicted Democratic donors .
“ I am thrilled to endorse Donald J Trump for president , from right here on Cell Block D , ” enthused disgraced socialite and Jeffrey Epstein accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell in her pre-recorded video .
“ Donald ’ s presidency speaks to my values , namely allowing vast @ @ @ @ @ @ @ outside the law and society ’ s mores with utter impunity.
” “ Also , I can ’ t think of anyone I would rather have in the White House signing presidential pardons .
Hint hint , ” Maxwell added before reporting for her shift in the laundry room .
Similarly , Weinstein ’ s endorsement will feature a slickly-produced video titled “ A Salute To New York Scumbags ” , detailing he and Trump ’ s misadventures in Manhattan through the 80s , 90s , and right up until the former Miramax @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Reached for comment , Biden campaign staff responded to the news of Trump ’ s retaliatory Democrat endorsements with , “ Wait .
What ?
” At press time , Trump was reportedly working around the clock to figure out how he , a former Democrat donor , could publicly endorse himself .

WASHINGTON D.C. – Ahead of the Republican National Convention President Trump announced endorsements from Democrats Ghislaine Maxwell and Harvey Weinstein, intended to counter last week’s Republican support for Joe Biden.
“Can you believe we locked down these superstar names,” Trump shouted to a group of reporters outside the White House. Ghislaine and Maxwell, both currently indicted on various counts of sexual assault and trafficking, were known for donating to Democratic causes before their respective high-profile scandals and arrests. However, Trump reportedly has spent the last several weeks courting their endorsements ahead of the RNCC.
“Let me tell you, Ghislaine and Harvey are not easy people to get a hold of these days,” Trump explained. “I mean, we know exactly where they are – they’re both currently in prison – but I mean these two massively huge celebrities finally agreed to get onboard the Trump Train!”
“Checkmate, Democrats,” Trump beamed as he finally boarded the idling Air Force One.
Following the endorsement of several high profile Republicans for Biden, including former Ohio Governor John Kasich, former Secretary of State Colin Powell, as well as hundreds of former Republican intelligence and security officials, Trump reportedly demanded to “get one of them on our side.” After exhausting his entire rolodex, Trump reportedly contacted the two indicted Democratic donors.
“I am thrilled to endorse Donald J Trump for president, from right here on Cell Block D,” enthused disgraced socialite and Jeffrey Epstein accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell in her pre-recorded video. “Donald’s presidency speaks to my values, namely allowing vast shadowy networks of wealthy individuals to operate outside the law and society’s mores with utter impunity.”
“Also, I can’t think of anyone I would rather have in the White House signing presidential pardons. Hint hint,” Maxwell added before reporting for her shift in the laundry room.
Similarly, Weinstein’s endorsement will feature a slickly-produced video titled “A Salute To New York Scumbags”, detailing he and Trump’s misadventures in Manhattan through the 80s, 90s, and right up until the former Miramax president’s high profile arrest.
Reached for comment, Biden campaign staff responded to the news of Trump’s retaliatory Democrat endorsements with, “Wait. What?”
At press time, Trump was reportedly working around the clock to figure out how he, a former Democrat donor, could publicly endorse himself.


thebeaverton--2020-08-24--Party that wants to manage government can’t manage counting a few thousand votes

OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada , a party which would like to be in charge of the whole country , was unable to announce Erin O ’ Toole ’ s victory until well after 1am due to their inability to open and count several thousand of the ballots sent in by mail .
“ I want to thank the thousands of Conservative voters who trusted me with their second choice vote , ” said new leader O ’ Toole .
“ Canadians know we are ready to fix the damage Trudeau has done to this country , just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our mail opening machine sliced into ribbons.
” “ Certainly our choice to use a machine rather than just pay people to open and count the ballots doesn ’ t say anything about our relationship with the working class !
” he added .
If elected the party would inherit a pandemic and its associated economic fallout , not to mention the existential threats of climate change and income inequality .
These challenges are considerably more difficult than providing a successful mail in vote process or stopping outright racists from finishing a strong @ @ @ @ @ @ @ things the Conservative Party just failed at .
Nevertheless party insiders believe they are up for the task .
“ We ’ ll be fine .
I ’ m sure the machines they use to stop COVID won ’ t malfunction like our mail opener did , ” said one Tory insider .
The insider added they are counting on Canadians to trust their judgment .
After all they did just elect an angry , uncharismatic man who doesn ’ t speak french as their leader .
So clearly they know what they @ @ @ @

OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada, a party which would like to be in charge of the whole country, was unable to announce Erin O’Toole’s victory until well after 1am due to their inability to open and count several thousand of the ballots sent in by mail.
“I want to thank the thousands of Conservative voters who trusted me with their second choice vote,” said new leader O’Toole. “Canadians know we are ready to fix the damage Trudeau has done to this country, just like we slowly fixed the many ballots our mail opening machine sliced into ribbons.”
“Certainly our choice to use a machine rather than just pay people to open and count the ballots doesn’t say anything about our relationship with the working class!” he added.
If elected the party would inherit a pandemic and its associated economic fallout, not to mention the existential threats of climate change and income inequality. These challenges are considerably more difficult than providing a successful mail in vote process or stopping outright racists from finishing a strong fourth in a leadership race, both things the Conservative Party just failed at. Nevertheless party insiders believe they are up for the task.
“We’ll be fine. I’m sure the machines they use to stop COVID won’t malfunction like our mail opener did,” said one Tory insider.
The insider added they are counting on Canadians to trust their judgment. After all they did just elect an angry, uncharismatic man who doesn’t speak french as their leader. So clearly they know what they’re doing.


thebeaverton--2020-08-27--Trump vows to wow RNC audiences by crawling out of their televisions and strangling them

WASHINGTON , D.C. – On Night 4 of the 2020 Republican National Convention , President Donald Trump has promised viewers that he will win their votes once and for all by crawling out of their televisions and strangling them until they are dead .
“ America is at a crossroads .
We are faced with a choice , between weak indecision , and powerful leadership , ” the President told reporters earlier today .
“ Americans need to see that their leader is someone they can depend on .
And I will show that to each and every American when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and space , entering their homes via their televisions .
The last sight Americans will ever see is me holding them down by the neck , my face distorted by rage , as they get fainter and fainter and finally lose consciousness.
” While some Republicans are concerned about the President ’ s tactic of invading Americans ’ homes via an unexplained supernatural force and murdering them , most publicly expressed support for the plan .
“ President Trump ’ s tactics are strong , ” explained South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ in this case , moving like some hideous undead Santa Claus through every household in America and systematically choking out every man , woman and child before the night is through – is what America needs right now.
” Commentators on both sides of the aisle have dismissed fears for public safety by pointing out that Donald Trump could never actually cover that much ground in one night .
“ Sure , he might be able to seize on some dark magic and slither through an unknown dimension into one or two houses @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reporters .
“ But he ’ s an old man .
Killing all Americans by strangulation in one night ?
Odds are he barely makes it past 60 or 70 before he takes a break to eat crackers in the kitchen and just falls asleep there .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – On Night 4 of the 2020 Republican National Convention, President Donald Trump has promised viewers that he will win their votes once and for all by crawling out of their televisions and strangling them until they are dead.
“America is at a crossroads. We are faced with a choice, between weak indecision, and powerful leadership,” the President told reporters earlier today. “Americans need to see that their leader is someone they can depend on. And I will show that to each and every American when I break through the barriers of time and space, entering their homes via their televisions. The last sight Americans will ever see is me holding them down by the neck, my face distorted by rage, as they get fainter and fainter and finally lose consciousness.”
While some Republicans are concerned about the President’s tactic of invading Americans’ homes via an unexplained supernatural force and murdering them, most publicly expressed support for the plan.
“President Trump’s tactics are strong,” explained South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham. “Americans know that strong action – in this case, moving like some hideous undead Santa Claus through every household in America and systematically choking out every man, woman and child before the night is through – is what America needs right now.”
Commentators on both sides of the aisle have dismissed fears for public safety by pointing out that Donald Trump could never actually cover that much ground in one night.
“Sure, he might be able to seize on some dark magic and slither through an unknown dimension into one or two houses,” Maine Senator Susan Collins told reporters. “But he’s an old man. Killing all Americans by strangulation in one night? Odds are he barely makes it past 60 or 70 before he takes a break to eat crackers in the kitchen and just falls asleep there.”
“Better leave well-enough alone.”


thebeaverton--2020-08-27--Kidz Bop writer suffers nervous breakdown after failing to write kid-friendly version of ‘WAP’

PETERBOROUGH – Jeanette Cummings , 41 , was rushed to the hospital with symptoms of a total nervous breakdown after being contracted to write a clean , kid-oriented version of Cardi B hit ‘ WAP ’ .
“ At first I tried writing about a cat that fell in the bath , but the overtones remained highly sexual , ” Cummings muttered .
“ Then I thought gardening would be a more appropriate topic , but I realized a refrain of ‘ There ’ s a hose in this house ’ doesn ’ t make things any better.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ now , ” added Cummings , nervously eying her laptop charger .
After being discovered by her family and rushed to the hospital , Cummings was placed in an ICU recovery unit with no access to radios or Spotify .
She was eventually discharged upon receiving weeks of cognitive behavioural therapy centred on reducing her stress upon hearing the phrase “ bring a bucket and a mop ” .
Still , Cummings could not abandon her work .
“ After spending hours trying to come with an alternative acronym – Waffles And Pancakes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ settled on Warm Apple Pie .
However , the horror of kids singing ‘ Gobble me , swallow me , drip down the side of me ’ sent me into a panic .
I passed out .
At least my attempts weren ’ t as bad as when The Wiggles tried teaching basic anatomy with a cover of Khia ’ s ‘ My Neck , My Back .
Complete nightmare.
” Cummings lamented how the rap anthem made every conversation afterward sound provocative , noting that a recent talk with a plumber about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ won ’ t quit ’ took on an unfortunate sexual connotation and that the sound of stirring up Kraft Dinner for her kids reminded her of Cardi B ’ s well-hydrated genitalia : “ It was disturbing how horny I was.
” Upon recovering , Cummings abandoned her futile editing effort and handed in her Kidz Bop version of Nicki Minaj ’ s ‘ Anaconda ’ called ‘ Love My Momma ’ instead .

PETERBOROUGH – Jeanette Cummings, 41, was rushed to the hospital with symptoms of a total nervous breakdown after being contracted to write a clean, kid-oriented version of Cardi B hit ‘WAP’.
“At first I tried writing about a cat that fell in the bath, but the overtones remained highly sexual,” Cummings muttered. “Then I thought gardening would be a more appropriate topic, but I realized a refrain of ‘There’s a hose in this house’ doesn’t make things any better.”
“Somehow all everyday objects sound like innuendo now,” added Cummings, nervously eying her laptop charger.
After being discovered by her family and rushed to the hospital, Cummings was placed in an ICU recovery unit with no access to radios or Spotify. She was eventually discharged upon receiving weeks of cognitive behavioural therapy centred on reducing her stress upon hearing the phrase “bring a bucket and a mop”. Still, Cummings could not abandon her work.
“After spending hours trying to come with an alternative acronym – Waffles And Pancakes? Walk All Puppies? – I settled on Warm Apple Pie. However, the horror of kids singing ‘Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me’ sent me into a panic. I passed out. At least my attempts weren’t as bad as when The Wiggles tried teaching basic anatomy with a cover of Khia’s ‘My Neck, My Back. Complete nightmare.”
Cummings lamented how the rap anthem made every conversation afterward sound provocative, noting that a recent talk with a plumber about a sink with a ‘drip that won’t quit’ took on an unfortunate sexual connotation and that the sound of stirring up Kraft Dinner for her kids reminded her of Cardi B’s well-hydrated genitalia: “It was disturbing how horny I was.”
Upon recovering, Cummings abandoned her futile editing effort and handed in her Kidz Bop version of Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’ called ‘Love My Momma’ instead.


thebeaverton--2020-08-27--Tough NHL players able to play through injuries, civil rights movements

TORONTO – Proving once again that they are the toughest professional athletes on planet Earth , NHL players took to the ice last night , overcoming a litany of injuries and moral qualms about playing in the midst of the NBA-led strike over the police shooting of Jacob Blake and numerous other Black people .
“ Just goes to show you how much grit and truculence these boys have , ” said Bruins fan Duncan Holmes .
“ In basketball if they have a banged up knee or are forced to witness state sanctioned violence against an entire race , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ This is just like when [ Eric ] Tangradi blocked four shots in a row .
Only instead of pucks they ’ re blocking out that voice in their heads saying this isn ’ t right.
” The NBA strike began yesterday afternoon when the Milwaukee Bucks refused to take to the court .
Their opponents the Orlando Magic followed suit .
Within a few hours all the NBA and WNBA teams playing that night said it would be unjust and a distraction from the vital Black Lives Matter protests to play @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tells them they should rest their shoulder injury and not play in game 7 , NHL players refused to listen .
“ You know , we ’ re banged up , the other team is banged up , police are shooting a black man seven times in the back , ” said Brad Marchand , sweat dripping onto a fresh towel as he caught his breath during intermission .
“ Important thing is to get pucks to the net , finish our checks , and try not to dwell on how we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ NHL did pause for a “ moment of reflection ” before the games , presumably so the players could reflect on how nice it is to be rich and white and uninterested with the struggle of anyone who isn ’ t .

TORONTO – Proving once again that they are the toughest professional athletes on planet Earth, NHL players took to the ice last night, overcoming a litany of injuries and moral qualms about playing in the midst of the NBA-led strike over the police shooting of Jacob Blake and numerous other Black people.
“Just goes to show you how much grit and truculence these boys have,” said Bruins fan Duncan Holmes. “In basketball if they have a banged up knee or are forced to witness state sanctioned violence against an entire race, no way they go out there.”
“This is just like when [Eric] Tangradi blocked four shots in a row. Only instead of pucks they’re blocking out that voice in their heads saying this isn’t right.”
The NBA strike began yesterday afternoon when the Milwaukee Bucks refused to take to the court. Their opponents the Orlando Magic followed suit. Within a few hours all the NBA and WNBA teams playing that night said it would be unjust and a distraction from the vital Black Lives Matter protests to play. But just like when a doctor tells them they should rest their shoulder injury and not play in game 7, NHL players refused to listen.
“You know, we’re banged up, the other team is banged up, police are shooting a black man seven times in the back,” said Brad Marchand, sweat dripping onto a fresh towel as he caught his breath during intermission. “Important thing is to get pucks to the net, finish our checks, and try not to dwell on how we’re complicit in all this.”
The NHL did pause for a “moment of reflection” before the games, presumably so the players could reflect on how nice it is to be rich and white and uninterested with the struggle of anyone who isn’t.


thebeaverton--2020-08-26--Four out of five real housewives dead after throwing wine at laptop during Zoom reunion

Four stars of The Real Housewives franchise were electrocuted to death Animaniacs style , after throwing wine on their laptops during a Reunion Zoom special .
Marissa Dump , Hillary Thonk , Rebessica Laniard the Third , and Dr. Barbie Kunk AKA ‘ Lil Babie Kunky ’ were all pronounced dead at the scene , burnt to a crisp with nothing left but their “ cellphones with receipts ” which medics confirmed , further acted as a conduit .
Producer of the Beverly Hills franchise , Rick Floss opined that he ’ s devastated , thrilled , shocked , titillated @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have been throwing wine at anyone and everything since the dawn of time : co-workers , nannies , small dogs , the poor , plant life , mimes , basically anything that ’ s “ clearly not being 100 to the face.
” Says Floss : “ I once saw a housewife pour a glass of merlot into an open casket… it was deserved.
” “ We train our housewives from day one , ” Floss continued .
“ Kind of like in a ‘ Men in Black ’ target practice type situation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ chardonnay while wooden cutouts pop out : skank , skank , liar , woman with baby , skank , alien , skank , gold-digger , grandma with a walker , skank cheater , bank robber , and so on.
” We call them slaptisms : slapping with a sauvignon baptism .
As for what caused the initial fight , producers were confused .
“ It seemed Lil Babie Kunky AKA ‘ The Kunkubine ’ was mad that Marcia texted Hillary a screenshot of test results that implied her dog was in fact : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dunno – earlier this season it was about how that mermaid drowned at her white party and that her new iPhone was too fat , but honestly , I think she ’ s still mad that her ears went missing after that surgery.
” Fans were relieved that at least some of their housewives survived , chiefly because of the remaining wives , two were cardboard cutouts , and the third , ‘ The Clowntess , ’ doesn ’ t appear in mirrors or screens , because technically speaking , she ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would still air the reunion , Producer Andy Cohen ’ s responded , “ Not only will we air it , we ’ ve signed the ladies ashes for a fifth season in a very lucrative deal with Faustus.
” A stark contrast to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills , which at time of print , confirmed only three deaths , when Demon Bambi , Agent of Chaos Brandi Glanville detonated a composited C4 explosive on set .

Four stars of The Real Housewives franchise were electrocuted to death Animaniacs style, after throwing wine on their laptops during a Reunion Zoom special. Marissa Dump, Hillary Thonk, Rebessica Laniard the Third, and Dr. Barbie Kunk AKA ‘Lil Babie Kunky’ were all pronounced dead at the scene, burnt to a crisp with nothing left but their “cellphones with receipts” which medics confirmed, further acted as a conduit.
Producer of the Beverly Hills franchise, Rick Floss opined that he’s devastated, thrilled, shocked, titillated but hardly surprised. “Our housewives have been throwing wine at anyone and everything since the dawn of time: co-workers, nannies, small dogs, the poor, plant life, mimes, basically anything that’s “clearly not being 100 to the face.” Says Floss: “I once saw a housewife pour a glass of merlot into an open casket… it was deserved.”
“We train our housewives from day one,” Floss continued. “Kind of like in a ‘Men in Black’ target practice type situation. We load ‘em up with chardonnay while wooden cutouts pop out: skank, skank, liar, woman with baby, skank, alien, skank, gold-digger, grandma with a walker, skank cheater, bank robber, and so on.” We call them slaptisms: slapping with a sauvignon baptism.
As for what caused the initial fight, producers were confused. “It seemed Lil Babie Kunky AKA ‘The Kunkubine’ was mad that Marcia texted Hillary a screenshot of test results that implied her dog was in fact: not gay.” further stating “I dunno – earlier this season it was about how that mermaid drowned at her white party and that her new iPhone was too fat, but honestly, I think she’s still mad that her ears went missing after that surgery.”
Fans were relieved that at least some of their housewives survived, chiefly because of the remaining wives, two were cardboard cutouts, and the third, ‘The Clowntess,’ doesn’t appear in mirrors or screens, because technically speaking, she’s a vampyr.
When asked if Bravo would still air the reunion, Producer Andy Cohen’s responded, “Not only will we air it, we’ve signed the ladies ashes for a fifth season in a very lucrative deal with Faustus.” A stark contrast to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, which at time of print, confirmed only three deaths, when Demon Bambi, Agent of Chaos Brandi Glanville detonated a composited C4 explosive on set.