thebeaverton--2020-12-09--Local absinthe drinker hasn’t been to a baroque midnight ritual in months

VICTORIA – Stephen Thackston , an absinthe aficionado and self-described ‘ weird dandy , ’ wants the public to know how hard physical distancing has been on the neo-fop community .
“ Do you have any idea how many table rapping sessions I ’ ve cancelled in the last year ?
” Thackston said , while gently fiddling with a large hollow ring he insisted hasn ’ t been filled with cocaine since the late 1980s .
“ Just the other day I had to tailor my new velvet evening jacket myself .
I just thank God my cobbler is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the absinthe drinking community have been meticulous about adhering to both the required and recommended rules about personal contact during the COVID-19 pandemic , but that doesn ’ t mean he isn ’ t eagerly awaiting a return to his usual abnormality .
“ You don ’ t spend a lifetime collecting Victorian mourning trinkets without developing a massive respect for modern medicine and the incredible advances in public health we ’ ve made since then , and I ’ m certainly not going to put anyone else at risk just because @ @ @ @ @ @ @ solo visits to the Green Fairy , ” Thackston said .
“ Any nocturnal bohemian gathering just wouldn ’ t be the same if we were to adhere to proper protocols .
Have you ever tried to take snuff while wearing a mask ?
And don ’ t even get me started on the difficulties of launching into an impromptu performance of one of the plays of Oscar Wilde while staying two meters apart .
There ’ s simply no whimsical sexual tension at that distance.
” “ This is regrettably not the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ social amusement , ” Thackston lamented .
“ Maybe next year.
” At press time , Thackston had given up on performing a self reading and was very carefully putting the Tower card in place on top of a house of tarot cards instead .

VICTORIA – Stephen Thackston, an absinthe aficionado and self-described ‘weird dandy,’ wants the public to know how hard physical distancing has been on the neo-fop community.
“Do you have any idea how many table rapping sessions I’ve cancelled in the last year?” Thackston said, while gently fiddling with a large hollow ring he insisted hasn’t been filled with cocaine since the late 1980s. “Just the other day I had to tailor my new velvet evening jacket myself. I just thank God my cobbler is still working.”
Thackston and the rest of the absinthe drinking community have been meticulous about adhering to both the required and recommended rules about personal contact during the COVID-19 pandemic, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t eagerly awaiting a return to his usual abnormality.
“You don’t spend a lifetime collecting Victorian mourning trinkets without developing a massive respect for modern medicine and the incredible advances in public health we’ve made since then, and I’m certainly not going to put anyone else at risk just because I’m tired of embarking on solo visits to the Green Fairy,” Thackston said.
“Any nocturnal bohemian gathering just wouldn’t be the same if we were to adhere to proper protocols. Have you ever tried to take snuff while wearing a mask? And don’t even get me started on the difficulties of launching into an impromptu performance of one of the plays of Oscar Wilde while staying two meters apart. There’s simply no whimsical sexual tension at that distance.”
“This is regrettably not the time for communal throwback eccentricity or macabre social amusement,” Thackston lamented. “Maybe next year.”
At press time, Thackston had given up on performing a self reading and was very carefully putting the Tower card in place on top of a house of tarot cards instead.


thebeaverton--2020-12-09--Public health officials warn against seasonal gatherings of ten or more lords a-leaping

OTTAWA – As the holidays approach and cases of COVID-19 continue to rise , the Public Health Agency of Canada has urged citizens to limit social events this season to less than ten lords , especially those a-leaping .
“ We understand that large groups of lords a-leaping are a treasured Christmas tradition , just like figgy pudding and trolling yuletide carols , ” said Chief Public Health Officer Theresa Tam at a conference earlier today .
“ But this year it ’ s not a safe option .
We recommend lords a-Zooming or at least a-social distancing in rooms @ @ @ @ @ @ @ added that there is not a “ magical safe number ” for gatherings , citing a coronavirus outbreak in Halifax traced back to nine ladies dancing .
Despite recommendations from health officials many have taken to social media to boast about their large-scale holiday plans .
One Twitter user went so far as to claim , “ the government can ’ t stop me from getting together with seven other maids to go a-milking !
” Many other holiday festivities are being put on pause due to coronavirus concerns .
As more municipalities @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s likely that Canadians won ’ t experience drummers drumming and pipers piping until late 2021 .
In related news , virologists in Germany have identified a new strain of bird flu present in partridges that reside in pear trees .

OTTAWA – As the holidays approach and cases of COVID-19 continue to rise, the Public Health Agency of Canada has urged citizens to limit social events this season to less than ten lords, especially those a-leaping.
“We understand that large groups of lords a-leaping are a treasured Christmas tradition, just like figgy pudding and trolling yuletide carols,” said Chief Public Health Officer Theresa Tam at a conference earlier today. “But this year it’s not a safe option. We recommend lords a-Zooming or at least a-social distancing in rooms a-well-ventilated.”
Federal Health Minister Patty Hajdu added that there is not a “magical safe number” for gatherings, citing a coronavirus outbreak in Halifax traced back to nine ladies dancing.
Despite recommendations from health officials many have taken to social media to boast about their large-scale holiday plans. One Twitter user went so far as to claim, “the government can’t stop me from getting together with seven other maids to go a-milking!”
Many other holiday festivities are being put on pause due to coronavirus concerns. As more municipalities impose bans on live performances it’s likely that Canadians won’t experience drummers drumming and pipers piping until late 2021.
In related news, virologists in Germany have identified a new strain of bird flu present in partridges that reside in pear trees.


thebeaverton--2020-12-09--Nation starts GoFundMe for Jon Hamm so he doesn’t have to do any more Skip The Dishes ads

OTTAWA – The nation of Canada has come together to raise money for struggling actor Jon Hamm so he doesn ’ t need to do any more of those god awful Skip The Dishes ads .
“ I know there are probably more worthy causes to donate to than a guy who already makes millions of dollars a year , ” said Aaron Speith of Kamloops as he confirmed his $ 50 donation .
“ But this will help so many Canadians.
” “ At the end of the day it ’ s not about him .
It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the tv without living in fear of having to see the star of Mad Men do a skit about eating popcorn with hockey gloves on.
” The GoFundMe was started during the NHL and NBA playoffs when Canadians were forced to endure hours upon hours of Jon Hamm acting like an auctioneer , Jon Hamm taking selfies , and Jon Hamm thinking it would appeal to Canadians to do an over the top Canadian accent .
“ Honestly I couldn ’ t even watch Good Omens .
I just kept expecting Jon Hamm @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a poutine while really laying into the pronunciation of the word poutine , ” said one Toronto resident .
The GoFundMe really took off on news that Skip The Dishes would start delivering alcohol , given the number of Jon Hamm as Don Draper ordering a bottle of Canadian Club ads the company was expected to make .
It has already crossed the 2 million mark .
Organizers expect to present the money to Hamm next month , in exchange for a blood oath that he will never do these ads again .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ would be willing to accept the terms of the deal .
“ Honestly he doesn ’ t want to do those ads anymore anyway .
Besides he has already lined up his next sponsor – he ’ s going to be the guy who sings the jingle in the Sleep Country Canada spots !
” A separate GoFundMe to raise money for the unknown actor who plays Hamm ’ s intern in those ads has only raised 30 bucks .

OTTAWA – The nation of Canada has come together to raise money for struggling actor Jon Hamm so he doesn’t need to do any more of those god awful Skip The Dishes ads.
“I know there are probably more worthy causes to donate to than a guy who already makes millions of dollars a year,” said Aaron Speith of Kamloops as he confirmed his $50 donation. “But this will help so many Canadians.”
“At the end of the day it’s not about him. It’s about us being able to turn on the tv without living in fear of having to see the star of Mad Men do a skit about eating popcorn with hockey gloves on.”
The GoFundMe was started during the NHL and NBA playoffs when Canadians were forced to endure hours upon hours of Jon Hamm acting like an auctioneer, Jon Hamm taking selfies, and Jon Hamm thinking it would appeal to Canadians to do an over the top Canadian accent.
“Honestly I couldn’t even watch Good Omens. I just kept expecting Jon Hamm to ask David Tenant to order him a poutine while really laying into the pronunciation of the word poutine,” said one Toronto resident.
The GoFundMe really took off on news that Skip The Dishes would start delivering alcohol, given the number of Jon Hamm as Don Draper ordering a bottle of Canadian Club ads the company was expected to make. It has already crossed the 2 million mark. Organizers expect to present the money to Hamm next month, in exchange for a blood oath that he will never do these ads again.
A representative for Hamm said the actor would be willing to accept the terms of the deal. “Honestly he doesn’t want to do those ads anymore anyway. Besides he has already lined up his next sponsor – he’s going to be the guy who sings the jingle in the Sleep Country Canada spots!”
A separate GoFundMe to raise money for the unknown actor who plays Hamm’s intern in those ads has only raised 30 bucks.


thebeaverton--2020-12-10--B.C. makes controversial decision to give first 4000 doses of COVID vaccine to stars of The CW’s Riv

B.C. makes controversial decision to give first 4000 doses of COVID vaccine to stars of The CW’s Riverdale

VANCOUVER – The government of B.C .
has announced how they will be dispensing the 4000 doses of the coronavirus vaccine the province is set to receive next week , and all of them are going to the main cast of the television show Riverdale .
“ We feel that the best way to get B.C .
back to where it needs to be is to support our film industry , and therefore the symbolic benefit of giving the vaccine to these talented artists , and only to these talented artists , far outweighs the lives that will not be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , announcing a decision that very few outside the most hardcore Riverdale fan community have praised .
The province ’ s doctors have pleaded with Horgan that if he must give Riverdale ’ s cast the vaccine , he could still then use the thousands of remaining doses to inoculate members of B.C.
’ s front-line medical community , but Horgan is adamant that the vaccine only be given to members of Riverdale ’ s cast and that the stars of the show receive every single dose in the province .
“ What @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ER doctor gets a single dose of the vaccine , or that Archie , Veronica , and the rest of the gang each get several hundred doses so we can be sure they ’ re definitely immune ?
” Horgan said .
“ They ’ ve already had to shut down production twice because of the pandemic , this is the least we can do to support the show.
” While B.C.
’ s current vaccine allotment plan has the full public support of the entire provincial cabinet , most of whom never @ @ @ @ @ @ @ legislature , some political insiders who wish to remain anonymous have said the plan is “ reckless , ” “ hard to fathom , ” and “ doesn ’ t make any sense , Legends of Tomorrow is a way better show.
” Horgan was unwilling to reveal who would get the next 400,000 doses of the vaccine B.C .
expects to receive in the new year , as he has to catch up on a lot of streaming over Christmas before making that decision .

VANCOUVER – The government of B.C. has announced how they will be dispensing the 4000 doses of the coronavirus vaccine the province is set to receive next week, and all of them are going to the main cast of the television show Riverdale.
“We feel that the best way to get B.C. back to where it needs to be is to support our film industry, and therefore the symbolic benefit of giving the vaccine to these talented artists, and only to these talented artists, far outweighs the lives that will not be saved,“ Premier John Horgan said, announcing a decision that very few outside the most hardcore Riverdale fan community have praised.
The province’s doctors have pleaded with Horgan that if he must give Riverdale’s cast the vaccine, he could still then use the thousands of remaining doses to inoculate members of B.C.’s front-line medical community, but Horgan is adamant that the vaccine only be given to members of Riverdale’s cast and that the stars of the show receive every single dose in the province.
“What’s more important, that an ER doctor gets a single dose of the vaccine, or that Archie, Veronica, and the rest of the gang each get several hundred doses so we can be sure they’re definitely immune?” Horgan said. “They’ve already had to shut down production twice because of the pandemic, this is the least we can do to support the show.”
While B.C.’s current vaccine allotment plan has the full public support of the entire provincial cabinet, most of whom never miss the weekly Riverdale screenings at the legislature, some political insiders who wish to remain anonymous have said the plan is “reckless,” “hard to fathom,” and “doesn’t make any sense, Legends of Tomorrow is a way better show.”
Horgan was unwilling to reveal who would get the next 400,000 doses of the vaccine B.C. expects to receive in the new year, as he has to catch up on a lot of streaming over Christmas before making that decision.


thebeaverton--2020-12-10--Patrick from life insurance commercial dies, insurance company denies coverage

Moose Jaw , SK – Patrick Donahue , known throughout Canada as “ It ’ s Patrick he took out life insurance !
” from that commercial has unfortunately passed away , and his insurance company is refusing to pay his benefit .
“ We of course mourn Patrick and his ability to say hi and advise his dad that he got life insurance in the split second it took him to pick up the phone , ” said Karen Black , spokesperson for BMO , which in 2009 acquired Norwich Insurance , the company that made the ads .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ and he never told us that he had his tonsils out when he was 12 , so there is nothing we can do.
” “ We just can ’ t rule out the possibility that this contributed to his recent aneurysm.
” Patrick was famously so excited by his obtaining life insurance that he immediately called up his parents and provided brochure level information about the plan details , the medical/age requirements and the fact that the Millers had already gotten covered .
Susan Miller is currently in a legal battle with the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ year old husband ’ s death via heart attack was “ clearly suicide.
” “ I ’ m so sad to lose my son , ” said Patrick ’ s mother Nancy , holding on to the ‘ Medical ?
’ paper from the ad .
“ My husband and I never got around to getting coverage ourselves .
Right after Patrick hung up we got a call from our other son Steve about getting a reverse mortgage , so we forgot all about it.
” Patrick is survived by his wife and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the family has asked that you memorize the phone number of a random business so you can repeat it in a phone call .

Moose Jaw, SK – Patrick Donahue, known throughout Canada as “It’s Patrick he took out life insurance!” from that commercial has unfortunately passed away, and his insurance company is refusing to pay his benefit.
“We of course mourn Patrick and his ability to say hi and advise his dad that he got life insurance in the split second it took him to pick up the phone,” said Karen Black, spokesperson for BMO, which in 2009 acquired Norwich Insurance, the company that made the ads. “But we require full medical disclosure and he never told us that he had his tonsils out when he was 12, so there is nothing we can do.”
“We just can’t rule out the possibility that this contributed to his recent aneurysm.”
Patrick was famously so excited by his obtaining life insurance that he immediately called up his parents and provided brochure level information about the plan details, the medical/age requirements and the fact that the Millers had already gotten covered. Susan Miller is currently in a legal battle with the company after it determined that her 93 year old husband’s death via heart attack was “clearly suicide.”
“I’m so sad to lose my son,” said Patrick’s mother Nancy, holding on to the ‘Medical?’ paper from the ad. “My husband and I never got around to getting coverage ourselves. Right after Patrick hung up we got a call from our other son Steve about getting a reverse mortgage, so we forgot all about it.”
Patrick is survived by his wife and 3 sons. In lieu of flowers the family has asked that you memorize the phone number of a random business so you can repeat it in a phone call.


thebeaverton--2020-12-10--Facebook responds to antitrust lawsuits with acquisition of Justice Department

MENLO PARK , CA – In response to twin antitrust lawsuits launched by dozens of states and the federal government , social media giant Facebook has purchased the United States Justice Department .
“ We ’ ve been eyeing purchasing the Justice Department for some time , ” explained Facebook CEO and Founder , Mark Zuckerberg .
“ There ’ s a lot of overlap in the work the DOJ does shaping the nation ’ s laws and the work Facebook does shaping the nation ’ s elections , so it just made sense for us to absorb the competition.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ a permanent injunction to break up Facebook , forcing it to divest assets like Instagram and WhatsApp , Zuckerberg instead chose to expand his company into federal executive politics .
“ I ’ ll be sitting down next week with my new employee ( attorney general ) Bill ( Barr ) , ” Zuckerberg explained .
“ I ’ d like us to look at opportunities for growth – for example the Justice Department ’ s Asset Forfeiture Program seems quite profitable.
” “ I ’ d also like us to figure out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the DOJ ’ s surveillance operations and Facebook ’ s surveillance operations , ” the CEO added .
As his first act as CEO of the United States Justice Department , Zuckerberg announced that he would be withdrawing the Federal antitrust suit against himself .
“ It seems like a conflict of interest at this point , ” Zuckerberg explained .
Asked whether Facebook was considering also purchasing the various state agencies that launched a joint antitrust lawsuit alongside the now-shuttered Federal , Zuckerberg seemed mixed .
“ Generally we don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ve reached a certain number of Instagram followers .
I ’ d like to see a valuation from the New York AG , maybe.
” “ But if the other smaller states in the antitrust suit would like to compete against Facebook in the open marketplace , then they ’ re welcome to try , ” Zuckerberg added .
At press time , Zuckerberg announced plans to use his newly-purchased Justice Department to launch twin lawsuits of his own against the Winklevoss twins .

MENLO PARK, CA – In response to twin antitrust lawsuits launched by dozens of states and the federal government, social media giant Facebook has purchased the United States Justice Department.
“We’ve been eyeing purchasing the Justice Department for some time,” explained Facebook CEO and Founder, Mark Zuckerberg. “There’s a lot of overlap in the work the DOJ does shaping the nation’s laws and the work Facebook does shaping the nation’s elections, so it just made sense for us to absorb the competition.”
While the Federal Trade Commission sought a permanent injunction to break up Facebook, forcing it to divest assets like Instagram and WhatsApp, Zuckerberg instead chose to expand his company into federal executive politics. “I’ll be sitting down next week with my new employee (attorney general) Bill (Barr),” Zuckerberg explained. “I’d like us to look at opportunities for growth – for example the Justice Department’s Asset Forfeiture Program seems quite profitable.”
“I’d also like us to figure out if there’s any redundancy between the DOJ’s surveillance operations and Facebook’s surveillance operations,” the CEO added.
As his first act as CEO of the United States Justice Department, Zuckerberg announced that he would be withdrawing the Federal antitrust suit against himself. “It seems like a conflict of interest at this point,” Zuckerberg explained.
Asked whether Facebook was considering also purchasing the various state agencies that launched a joint antitrust lawsuit alongside the now-shuttered Federal, Zuckerberg seemed mixed. “Generally we don’t like to absorb competitors until they’ve reached a certain number of Instagram followers. I’d like to see a valuation from the New York AG, maybe.”
“But if the other smaller states in the antitrust suit would like to compete against Facebook in the open marketplace, then they’re welcome to try,” Zuckerberg added.
At press time, Zuckerberg announced plans to use his newly-purchased Justice Department to launch twin lawsuits of his own against the Winklevoss twins.


thebeaverton--2020-12-10--Tech startup proud to be first to hire an actual Invisible Minority

TORONTO , ON – In an effort to further bridge the gap of employment inequality , Toronto-based tech startup Diverse-Tech has hired an invisible minority .
“ When applications started to come in for the vacant role , one applicant really caught our eyes , ” explained 23-year-old Diverse-Tech CEO , Kyle Smith .
“ This one applicant , Jack Griffin , mentioned in the diversity portion of the application that he ’ s an invisible minority , and we ’ ve never had an invisible minority before !
We have some very visible minorities that work at Diverse-Tech but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ minority !
” “ There were a lot disabled , LGBTQ+ and BIPOC applicants but in comparison to Jack they were so…visible , ” Smith hastily added , “ I mean we hired Jack because we believed he was a good fit and he just happened to be an invisible minority.
” Throughout the company , many other employees shared their excitement over the new hire .
“ Jack ’ s amazing , though it was a problem when we wanted to take a picture with him for our Instagram feed , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ We looked everywhere for him but he ’ s nowhere to be found !
We need a picture of Jack for our Instagram .
He ’ s such a great hire for Diverse-Tech !
” Johnson then added , with a frantic smile , “ Not because he ’ s an invisible minority of course .
I don ’ t see corporeal and non-corporeal form .
I just see the person .
Or don ’ t see .
Whichever one is right !
” John White , head of Dream-Tech ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ We haven ’ t seen Jack since we hired him !
No work has been coming in , and I ’ m honestly just worried for him .
We ’ re not really sure what the right way is to address this situation .
We ’ ve never dealt with actual invisible minority issues before .
There ’ s an inclusion and diversity council here at Diverse-Tech but there are only visible members on it.
” White then hastily added , “ We only hired him because he was a good @ @ @ @ @ @ @ happens to be invisible !
” The Beaverton was unable to reach Mr Griffin for further comment .
Not because we didn ’ t choose to , but because he happens to be an invisible minority .

TORONTO, ON – In an effort to further bridge the gap of employment inequality, Toronto-based tech startup Diverse-Tech has hired an invisible minority.
“When applications started to come in for the vacant role, one applicant really caught our eyes,” explained 23-year-old Diverse-Tech CEO, Kyle Smith. “This one applicant, Jack Griffin, mentioned in the diversity portion of the application that he’s an invisible minority, and we’ve never had an invisible minority before! We have some very visible minorities that work at Diverse-Tech but we’ve never had an IN-visible minority!”
“There were a lot disabled, LGBTQ+ and BIPOC applicants but in comparison to Jack they were so…visible,” Smith hastily added, “I mean we hired Jack because we believed he was a good fit and he just happened to be an invisible minority.”
Throughout the company, many other employees shared their excitement over the new hire. “Jack’s amazing, though it was a problem when we wanted to take a picture with him for our Instagram feed,” explained Jennifer Johnson, head of marketing. “We looked everywhere for him but he’s nowhere to be found! We need a picture of Jack for our Instagram. He’s such a great hire for Diverse-Tech!”
Johnson then added, with a frantic smile, “Not because he’s an invisible minority of course. I don’t see corporeal and non-corporeal form. I just see the person. Or don’t see. Whichever one is right!”
John White, head of Dream-Tech’s UX department, shared some concerns. “We haven’t seen Jack since we hired him! No work has been coming in, and I’m honestly just worried for him. We’re not really sure what the right way is to address this situation. We’ve never dealt with actual invisible minority issues before. There’s an inclusion and diversity council here at Diverse-Tech but there are only visible members on it.”
White then hastily added, “We only hired him because he was a good fit by the way! He just happens to be invisible!”
The Beaverton was unable to reach Mr Griffin for further comment. Not because we didn’t choose to, but because he happens to be an invisible minority.


thebeaverton--2020-12-10--Ontario-born man lectures about Alberta Bashing

EDMONTON – Defending his response to Alberta ’ s deadly pandemic , Oakville , Ontario native Jason Kenney is labelling @ @ @ @ @ or his government as “ Alberta Bashing.
” The ex-pat of the most populous province @ @ @ @ @ said that his response was more than adequate .
“ The media wouldn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ if there weren ’ t so many hard-working Albertans working in the oil and gas @ @ @ @ @ referring to the many Newfoundlanders and Nova Scotians who work on the rigs .
The @ @ @ @ @ a private Jesuit college in San Francisco instead of the University of Alberta or UofC @ @ @ @ @ strength and free-speech principles of Canada ’ s richest province .
“ What the rest @ @ @ @ @ understand is that Albertans believe in freedoms for everyone , except for protests against the @ @ @ @ @ .
Meanwhile , Alberta Health Services was reminding residents to keep as far away from @ @ @ @ @ from a Pride Parade .

EDMONTON – Defending his response to Alberta’s deadly pandemic, Oakville, Ontario native Jason Kenney is labelling any criticism directed at him or his government as “Alberta Bashing.”
The ex-pat of the most populous province who grew up in Saskatchewan said that his response was more than adequate.
“The media wouldn’t be accusing me of incompetence if there weren’t so many hard-working Albertans working in the oil and gas industry,” said Kenney referring to the many Newfoundlanders and Nova Scotians who work on the rigs.
The elected official, who attended a private Jesuit college in San Francisco instead of the University of Alberta or UofC, sermoned about the collective strength and free-speech principles of Canada’s richest province.
“What the rest of Canada doesn’t understand is that Albertans believe in freedoms for everyone, except for protests against the pipelines,” added Kenney.
Meanwhile, Alberta Health Services was reminding residents to keep as far away from each other like Kenney does from a Pride Parade.


thebeaverton--2020-12-11--Desperate Trump demands recount in New Brunswick

MONCTON , NB – Following unsuccessful recounts in Wisconsin and Georgia , along with mounting court challenges , Trump is now demanding a recount in the Canadian maritime province of New Brunswick .
“ We have an excellent base there , excellent , without a doubt , we won New Brunswick , ” stated Trump at a recent press conference , despite being told numerous times , by the press and members of his own team that New Brunswick “ is not and has never been part of the United States.
” “ Excluding New Brunswick is just another part @ @ @ @ @ @ @ steal this election from me , ” Trump stated , doubling down on his inclusion of the very Canadian province .
The president has historically struggled with geography , believing Belgium to be a city , and often confusing Iran and Iraq but he has , for the most part , maintained a solid understanding of the 50 states .
That is , until now .
Canadian election officials , including NB premier Blaine Higgs , have continued to deny claims of New Brunswick ’ s attachment to the US election .
However @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ KEY BATTLEGROUND STATE NEW BRUNSWICK IS RED # StopTheSteal.
” New Brunswickers , however , have proven unsurprisingly alarmed .
One resident , Janice Murphy , noted , “ we just had our provincial general election on September 14th so my first thought was that Trump was maybe developing an interest in Canadian maritime politics ?
This province went blue so maybe he ’ s just taking it upon himself to pursue election fraud in any ‘ blue ’ districts on a global scale.
” Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany has taken it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ across the province to an audience of confused NB residents .
“ The evidence of cheating and corruption here is rampant , undemocratic , and fraudulent !
” screamed McEnany into the silence of a vacant Hyatt parking lot in Fredericton .
As the Trump Campaign ’ s election litigation continues to amass , recent reports indicate that Trump is now also looking to pursue recounts in various parts of Middle Earth .

MONCTON, NB – Following unsuccessful recounts in Wisconsin and Georgia, along with mounting court challenges, Trump is now demanding a recount in the Canadian maritime province of New Brunswick.
“We have an excellent base there, excellent, without a doubt, we won New Brunswick,” stated Trump at a recent press conference, despite being told numerous times, by the press and members of his own team that New Brunswick “is not and has never been part of the United States.”
“Excluding New Brunswick is just another part of the Dem’s plan to steal this election from me,” Trump stated, doubling down on his inclusion of the very Canadian province.
The president has historically struggled with geography, believing Belgium to be a city, and often confusing Iran and Iraq but he has, for the most part, maintained a solid understanding of the 50 states. That is, until now.
Canadian election officials, including NB premier Blaine Higgs, have continued to deny claims of New Brunswick’s attachment to the US election. However the president remains adamant, tweeting, “KEY BATTLEGROUND STATE NEW BRUNSWICK IS RED #StopTheSteal.”
New Brunswickers, however, have proven unsurprisingly alarmed. One resident, Janice Murphy, noted, “we just had our provincial general election on September 14th so my first thought was that Trump was maybe developing an interest in Canadian maritime politics? This province went blue so maybe he’s just taking it upon himself to pursue election fraud in any ‘blue’ districts on a global scale.”
“I dunno, that’s all I got,” added Murphy.
Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany has taken it upon herself to hold numerous press conferences across the province to an audience of confused NB residents. “The evidence of cheating and corruption here is rampant, undemocratic, and fraudulent!” screamed McEnany into the silence of a vacant Hyatt parking lot in Fredericton.
As the Trump Campaign’s election litigation continues to amass, recent reports indicate that Trump is now also looking to pursue recounts in various parts of Middle Earth.


thebeaverton--2020-12-11--Star Wars fans excited about new series starring Gleep Glorp, or whoever the fuck

BURBANK , CA – Yesterday , the Walt Disney Company announced 10 new Star Wars TV series starring beloved characters like Dorfus Kent , Ultra Moff Charlie , and Fudge Offal , or some nonsense like that .
Fans of the galaxy far , far away were thrilled to finally witness the adventures of Luke Skywalker ’ s distant cousin , one of the aliens who ’ s on-screen for two seconds in A New Hope , and the Millennium Falcon ’ s sentient space coffee maker , among some other bullshit .
During Disney ’ s live presentation , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ We understand what makes Star Wars so special .
That ’ s why we ’ ve diluted that special ingredient to spread an absolute fuckton of it everywhere , at all times , forever .
Disney is run by dreamers , and we dream of a day when your great-grandchildren slog through countless series you once watched out of a grim sense of completionism before the 2089 premiere of Chartreuse Squadron.
” “ Sure , The Mandalorian is pretty mediocre , ” one excited dweeb said .
“ But I ’ m ready @ @ @ @ @ @ @ another show with the exact same tone about Glorgin Elbow , just as soon as I finish reading his Wookieepedia page .
Oh , look , he also has invincible armour , that will be suspenseful.
” Media journalists predicted that most of the series would feature , holy crap can you believe it , lightsabers , incompetent Stormtroopers and , wait for it , spaceships .
In response to this speculation , some dork on Reddit said “ I hope we get to see some wurmpuses too , ” whatever in Christ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ also confirmed that their continued effort to form a joyless , all-devouring pop culture monolith that tells the same simple children ’ s story ad nauseam would include new action figures , comic books , and clothes that say garbage like , ugh , “ Reading my t-shirt , you are.
” At press time , some fans were sending death threats to Disney executives because none of the new series feature whoever the hell Choopus is .

BURBANK, CA – Yesterday, the Walt Disney Company announced 10 new Star Wars TV series starring beloved characters like Dorfus Kent, Ultra Moff Charlie, and Fudge Offal, or some nonsense like that.
Fans of the galaxy far, far away were thrilled to finally witness the adventures of Luke Skywalker’s distant cousin, one of the aliens who’s on-screen for two seconds in A New Hope, and the Millennium Falcon’s sentient space coffee maker, among some other bullshit.
During Disney’s live presentation, Chairman Bob Iger told viewers, “We understand what makes Star Wars so special. That’s why we’ve diluted that special ingredient to spread an absolute fuckton of it everywhere, at all times, forever. Disney is run by dreamers, and we dream of a day when your great-grandchildren slog through countless series you once watched out of a grim sense of completionism before the 2089 premiere of Chartreuse Squadron.”
“Sure, The Mandalorian is pretty mediocre,” one excited dweeb said. “But I’m ready to force my exhausted wife to watch another show with the exact same tone about Glorgin Elbow, just as soon as I finish reading his Wookieepedia page. Oh, look, he also has invincible armour, that will be suspenseful.”
Media journalists predicted that most of the series would feature, holy crap can you believe it, lightsabers, incompetent Stormtroopers and, wait for it, spaceships. In response to this speculation, some dork on Reddit said “I hope we get to see some wurmpuses too,” whatever in Christ’s name that means.
Disney also confirmed that their continued effort to form a joyless, all-devouring pop culture monolith that tells the same simple children’s story ad nauseam would include new action figures, comic books, and clothes that say garbage like, ugh, “Reading my t-shirt, you are.”
At press time, some fans were sending death threats to Disney executives because none of the new series feature whoever the hell Choopus is.


thebeaverton--2020-12-11--Christopher Nolan wants audiences to see movies the right way: sitting in a seat some teenager got t

Christopher Nolan wants audiences to see movies the right way: sitting in a seat some teenager got to third base in

BURBANK , CA – In the wake of Warner Bros. ’ announcement that they will release their entire lineup of 2021 films in theatres and on HBOMax simultaneously , several industry players have come out in opposition to the controversial decision .
Chief among them is director Christopher Nolan , who did not hold back when asked for his response .
“ Movies are supposed to be a shared experience , ” Nolan shared in a statement .
“ Anyone who ’ s ever seen a film in theatres knows that the loss of that backdrop irrevocably changes something about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ magic in the dim lights , the giant screen , and the uncomfortable seat on which no fewer than four hymens were broken.
” The Prestige director continued , “ If I want the dialogue of my films to be only half-audible over the heavy breathing of two horndogs in the back row , that ’ s my prerogative.
” Nolan ’ s comments have been met with agreement from cinephiles across the world .
Sixteen-year-old Daniel Wheeler , president of his high school film club , shared his disappointment .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to second base with my girlfriend this year , ” Wheeler wrote via email .
“ There ’ s no better place to do that than a pitch-black auditorium .
Take that environment away and I just don ’ t know when I ’ ll have another opportunity.
” Joining Wheeler and Nolan in their displeasure are other heavy hitters in the film industry like directors James Gunn and Denis Villeneuve .
All parties insist that , without a traditional theatrical opening for a film , a viewer loses so much more than @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of fabric separates them from the dried pre-cum of an eleventh grader .
Villeneuve may have said it best when asked for comment while doing PR for the upcoming Dune : “ How are viewers at home supposed to recreate the dull sensation of the kid behind them kicking their backrest for the film ’ s entire running time ?
Or the scritch of one ’ s shoes peeling off the soda-stained floor ?
If we turn our backs on theatres , we turn our backs on history – like the groundbreaking day @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , received two blow-jobs during one screening of Fast and Furious 6.
” There is speculation that Warner Bros. made their decision in large part due to the lackluster box-office return of Nolan ’ s Tenet , released theatrically in the summer of 2020 .
Nolan declined to comment on this area of questioning , simply stating that the film was “ ahead of its time.
” Multiple sources report Nolan ’ s next film revolves around how Tenet ended up breaking box-office records four years in the future .

BURBANK, CA – In the wake of Warner Bros.’ announcement that they will release their entire lineup of 2021 films in theatres and on HBOMax simultaneously, several industry players have come out in opposition to the controversial decision. Chief among them is director Christopher Nolan, who did not hold back when asked for his response.
“Movies are supposed to be a shared experience,” Nolan shared in a statement. “Anyone who’s ever seen a film in theatres knows that the loss of that backdrop irrevocably changes something about the cinematic product. There is a magic in the dim lights, the giant screen, and the uncomfortable seat on which no fewer than four hymens were broken.”
The Prestige director continued, “If I want the dialogue of my films to be only half-audible over the heavy breathing of two horndogs in the back row, that’s my prerogative.”
Nolan’s comments have been met with agreement from cinephiles across the world. Sixteen-year-old Daniel Wheeler, president of his high school film club, shared his disappointment. “I was really hoping to at least get to second base with my girlfriend this year,” Wheeler wrote via email. “There’s no better place to do that than a pitch-black auditorium. Take that environment away and I just don’t know when I’ll have another opportunity.”
Joining Wheeler and Nolan in their displeasure are other heavy hitters in the film industry like directors James Gunn and Denis Villeneuve. All parties insist that, without a traditional theatrical opening for a film, a viewer loses so much more than the knowledge that a mere thin piece of fabric separates them from the dried pre-cum of an eleventh grader.
Villeneuve may have said it best when asked for comment while doing PR for the upcoming Dune: “How are viewers at home supposed to recreate the dull sensation of the kid behind them kicking their backrest for the film’s entire running time? Or the scritch of one’s shoes peeling off the soda-stained floor? If we turn our backs on theatres, we turn our backs on history – like the groundbreaking day in 2013 when Jeremiah McDonald, 18, received two blow-jobs during one screening of Fast and Furious 6.”
There is speculation that Warner Bros. made their decision in large part due to the lackluster box-office return of Nolan’s Tenet, released theatrically in the summer of 2020. Nolan declined to comment on this area of questioning, simply stating that the film was “ahead of its time.” Multiple sources report Nolan’s next film revolves around how Tenet ended up breaking box-office records four years in the future.


thebeaverton--2020-12-11--“White men are the problem” says white woman who is also the problem

VANCOUVER – Reporting from a new juice bar in the gentrified neighbourhood of Chinatown , white woman , Clarissa Rogers , claimed that white men are to blame for societal inequities .
“ Like today at work , this white man completely talked over me while I was trying to explain my idea , ” she advised in reference to a new community outreach program she read out about a Black woman in Detroit creating .
“ Do you mind if we change seats ?
That guy over there is giving me weird vibes , ” Rogers added , pulling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if necessary .
Like many white feminists Rogers can ’ t help but fantasize about a world where white men are no longer in charge , which would include more frequent brunch trips , reproduction rights for people who can afford it , and no fundamental changes to the class and racial inequalities that permeate society .
But Rogers , who is the head of the Diversity board of her work place insists that she is an ally to all her fellow women .
“ When those protests were going on in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my Black friend , Hailey , to see how she ’ s holding up .
She ’ s a coworker I only see at the office and also a very dear friend of mine.
” “ When Hailey didn ’ t respond to my text , I took it upon myself to organize a mandatory panel on the issues around Access and Inclusion in the workplace .
I don ’ t see any white men taking on that kind of action .
Or , any racialized men for that matter , ” she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
When asked about her opinion on 55 % of white women in America voting for Trump in the 2020 elections Rogers immediately said “ I don ’ t particularly think it ’ s fair to blame an entire group of people for the actions taken by that entire group of people .
”

VANCOUVER – Reporting from a new juice bar in the gentrified neighbourhood of Chinatown, white woman, Clarissa Rogers, claimed that white men are to blame for societal inequities.
“Like today at work, this white man completely talked over me while I was trying to explain my idea,” she advised in reference to a new community outreach program she read out about a Black woman in Detroit creating.
“Do you mind if we change seats? That guy over there is giving me weird vibes,” Rogers added, pulling out her phone to call the police if necessary.
Like many white feminists Rogers can’t help but fantasize about a world where white men are no longer in charge, which would include more frequent brunch trips, reproduction rights for people who can afford it, and no fundamental changes to the class and racial inequalities that permeate society.
But Rogers, who is the head of the Diversity board of her work place insists that she is an ally to all her fellow women. “When those protests were going on in the summer, I sent a text to my Black friend, Hailey, to see how she’s holding up. She’s a coworker I only see at the office and also a very dear friend of mine.”
“When Hailey didn’t respond to my text, I took it upon myself to organize a mandatory panel on the issues around Access and Inclusion in the workplace. I don’t see any white men taking on that kind of action. Or, any racialized men for that matter,” she added, digging the hole even deeper.
When asked about her opinion on 55% of white women in America voting for Trump in the 2020 elections Rogers immediately said “I don’t particularly think it’s fair to blame an entire group of people for the actions taken by that entire group of people.”


thebeaverton--2020-12-12--Trudeau using December downtime to plan out 2021 ethics violations

OTTAWA , ON – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is making the most of the slow period at work before the holidays to plan out future scandals to embroil the Liberal government for months on end in the new year .
As Trudeau explained in a virtual talk for a grade 10 Civics and Citizenship class at Sir Wilfrid Laurier Secondary School , “ In government , it ’ s essential to strategize the timeline for your transgressions .
If you do it right , your infractions are spaced out far enough apart that people forget the reckless thing you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scot free !
” The PM further educated these future leaders about the challenges to scandalous activity during a pandemic .
He noted “ Obviously , with travel restrictions , I won ’ t be able to vacation on a private island on someone else ’ s dime .
Heck , with physical-distancing rules in the House of Commons , I can ’ t even get close enough to an MP to pressure them into helping the folks at SNC Lavalin avoid prosecution for their crimes.
” Trudeau then elaborated on some of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ start off January with paid product placements wearing nothing but a Canada Goose jacket at my briefings .
In March , I ’ ll release details for yet another Air Canada bailout in the budget , after the airline makes a hefty donation to the Trudeau Foundation and hires my mother Margaret as a pilot .
That ’ ll probably hit the fan around May.
” “ I don ’ t think the opposition will know until at least mid-July that I ’ ve been renting out the ultra-low temperature vaccine fridges to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ company that sends free pints to my wife Sophie.
” According to anonymous sources , the PM is currently considering diverting funding from pandemic programs to buy himself an ambassadorship in the Galactic Federation .

OTTAWA, ON – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is making the most of the slow period at work before the holidays to plan out future scandals to embroil the Liberal government for months on end in the new year.
As Trudeau explained in a virtual talk for a grade 10 Civics and Citizenship class at Sir Wilfrid Laurier Secondary School, “In government, it’s essential to strategize the timeline for your transgressions. If you do it right, your infractions are spaced out far enough apart that people forget the reckless thing you did months ago and you get off scot free!”
The PM further educated these future leaders about the challenges to scandalous activity during a pandemic. He noted “Obviously, with travel restrictions, I won’t be able to vacation on a private island on someone else’s dime. Heck, with physical-distancing rules in the House of Commons, I can’t even get close enough to an MP to pressure them into helping the folks at SNC Lavalin avoid prosecution for their crimes.”
Trudeau then elaborated on some of his plans, “I’ll start off January with paid product placements wearing nothing but a Canada Goose jacket at my briefings. In March, I’ll release details for yet another Air Canada bailout in the budget, after the airline makes a hefty donation to the Trudeau Foundation and hires my mother Margaret as a pilot. That’ll probably hit the fan around May.”
“I don’t think the opposition will know until at least mid-July that I’ve been renting out the ultra-low temperature vaccine fridges to an artisanal, fair trade Kombucha fro-yo company that sends free pints to my wife Sophie.”
According to anonymous sources, the PM is currently considering diverting funding from pandemic programs to buy himself an ambassadorship in the Galactic Federation.


thebeaverton--2020-12-12--Impoverished man doesn’t have to pay back CERB after claiming he was a profiteering corporation

OTTAWA – A self-employed man on the brink of bankruptcy no longer has to pay back his COVID relief benefits after explaining to the CRA that he already gave the $ 6,000 to corporate shareholders dividends .
Rowan Hewitt , a freelance graphic designer , was asked to pay back the three months worth of money while he was unemployed since he was deemed as ineligible .
However , that all changed when he became the CEO of Hewitt Care Homes Inc. “ I was promptly given my $ 6,000 back and then millions more in emergency wage subsidy , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I had to say was that I ’ m a large corporation that needs government help to make exceedingly large profits during this economic downturn .
Now , instead of pursuing me for such an insignificant claim , CRA is kissing my ass.
” The trend of claiming CERB as a kickback to wealthy investors has already caught on .
“ I claimed to be Air Canada , ” said Marion Smyth , who has been looking for work since the pandemic .
“ I received over $ 200 million and I didn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for the services I no longer provide .
”

OTTAWA – A self-employed man on the brink of bankruptcy no longer has to pay back his COVID relief benefits after explaining to the CRA that he already gave the $6,000 to corporate shareholders dividends.
Rowan Hewitt, a freelance graphic designer, was asked to pay back the three months worth of money while he was unemployed since he was deemed as ineligible. However, that all changed when he became the CEO of Hewitt Care Homes Inc.
“I was promptly given my $6,000 back and then millions more in emergency wage subsidy,” said Hewitt. “And all I had to say was that I’m a large corporation that needs government help to make exceedingly large profits during this economic downturn. Now, instead of pursuing me for such an insignificant claim, CRA is kissing my ass.”
The trend of claiming CERB as a kickback to wealthy investors has already caught on.
“I claimed to be Air Canada,” said Marion Smyth, who has been looking for work since the pandemic. “I received over $200 million and I didn’t have to pay anyone back for the services I no longer provide.”


thebeaverton--2020-12-12--Report: Trump has now lost the election more times than every other Presidential candidate combined

WASHINGTON D.C. – After the Supreme Court refused to even hear Texas ’ effort to overturn the results of the Presidential election , Donald Trump has now lost a presidential election more times than every other major party Presidential candidate in U.S. history combined .
“ There have been 59 Presidential elections since 1788 , ” advised historian Martin Finkel .
“ And between the original vote , the demands for recounts , the court challenges and those hearings where Rudy Giuliani goes to the state legislatures and farts while asking them to refuse to certify , I calculate that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at least 60 times.
” “ Trump has also lost about 3000 % more than the runner ups in the Presidential losing contest : Adlai Stevenson and John Quincy Adams , who each lost twice.
” The Supreme Court ’ s order stated that Texas has no standing to bring the challenge against the swing states that went to Biden , on account of the fact that “ but , but I don ’ t like how those guys voted !
!
” is not a recognized legal theory .
The court even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ formal writ of “ shut the fuck up and leave us alone.
” Nevertheless Trump and his advisors pledged to carry on in their efforts to overturn the election , in the hopes that they may be able to lose this single election more times than all the minor party Presidential candidates combined as well .
“ Watch out Ralph Nader and the Bull Moose Party , we ’ re coming for ya !
” said lead counsel Rudy Giuliani .
Many fans of the President were in disbelief at the ruling .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ possibly lose , possibly owing to the fact that they get all their news from Fox , the President ’ s twitter feed and a youtube channel hosted by a failed comedian turned right wing ideologue .

WASHINGTON D.C. – After the Supreme Court refused to even hear Texas’ effort to overturn the results of the Presidential election, Donald Trump has now lost a presidential election more times than every other major party Presidential candidate in U.S. history combined.
“There have been 59 Presidential elections since 1788,” advised historian Martin Finkel. “And between the original vote, the demands for recounts, the court challenges and those hearings where Rudy Giuliani goes to the state legislatures and farts while asking them to refuse to certify, I calculate that Trump has now lost the 2020 election at least 60 times.”
“Trump has also lost about 3000% more than the runner ups in the Presidential losing contest: Adlai Stevenson and John Quincy Adams, who each lost twice.”
The Supreme Court’s order stated that Texas has no standing to bring the challenge against the swing states that went to Biden, on account of the fact that “but, but I don’t like how those guys voted!!” is not a recognized legal theory. The court even went so far as to issue a formal writ of “shut the fuck up and leave us alone.”
Nevertheless Trump and his advisors pledged to carry on in their efforts to overturn the election, in the hopes that they may be able to lose this single election more times than all the minor party Presidential candidates combined as well.
“Watch out Ralph Nader and the Bull Moose Party, we’re coming for ya!” said lead counsel Rudy Giuliani.
Many fans of the President were in disbelief at the ruling. They believed that they couldn’t possibly lose, possibly owing to the fact that they get all their news from Fox, the President’s twitter feed and a youtube channel hosted by a failed comedian turned right wing ideologue.


thebeaverton--2020-12-12--Ford moving York Region into lockdown now that everyone from Peel and Toronto have had time to do th

Ford moving York Region into lockdown now that everyone from Peel and Toronto have had time to do their shopping there

TORONTO – The provincial government today announced their intention to send York Region into the grey zone of Ontario ’ s COVID-19 framework now that both Toronto and Peel residents have had ample time to travel there and finish up their holiday shopping .
“ This was a difficult decision to make , ” Ford told reporters this afternoon .
“ However , I feel confident that we ’ ve achieved the optimal amount of community spread by allowing as many individuals as possible from a locked down area to drive the 15 minutes to Vaughan Mills.
” “ We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this next step , ” Ford continued .
“ For example , where will the entire populations of Toronto and Peel be able to throng on Boxing Day ?
” Ontario ’ s Deputy Premier and Minister of Health Christine Elliott echoed Ford ’ s sentiments , saying , “ Despite the reservations that have been repeatedly expressed by numerous health care professionals , we were hoping to keep York Region out of lockdown , namely because I have not yet had a chance to pick up a copy of Cyberpunk 2077 for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ emphasize that Peel , Toronto , and now York Region residents who have been unable to complete their shopping need not fret as they will still be able to pick up many odds and ends at Costco and other big box retailers .
Those establishments shut down only upon the arrival of Judgement Day , otherwise known as the black zone .

TORONTO – The provincial government today announced their intention to send York Region into the grey zone of Ontario’s COVID-19 framework now that both Toronto and Peel residents have had ample time to travel there and finish up their holiday shopping.
“This was a difficult decision to make,” Ford told reporters this afternoon. “However, I feel confident that we’ve achieved the optimal amount of community spread by allowing as many individuals as possible from a locked down area to drive the 15 minutes to Vaughan Mills.”
“We considered a variety of factors before taking this next step,” Ford continued. “For example, where will the entire populations of Toronto and Peel be able to throng on Boxing Day?”
Ontario’s Deputy Premier and Minister of Health Christine Elliott echoed Ford’s sentiments, saying, “Despite the reservations that have been repeatedly expressed by numerous health care professionals, we were hoping to keep York Region out of lockdown, namely because I have not yet had a chance to pick up a copy of Cyberpunk 2077 for my nephew.”
Elliott made sure to emphasize that Peel, Toronto, and now York Region residents who have been unable to complete their shopping need not fret as they will still be able to pick up many odds and ends at Costco and other big box retailers. Those establishments shut down only upon the arrival of Judgement Day, otherwise known as the black zone.


thebeaverton--2020-12-13--Legault to reinstate holiday gatherings if Quebecers promise to kiss on only one cheek

Montreal – Following backlash after cancelling holiday gatherings , Quebec Premier Francois Legault suggested that Quebecers could see friends and relatives if they swear to only kiss them on a single cheek .
“ We understand it is difficult for Quebecers to forgo expressing themselves passionately , as it allows us to feel superior to the rest of Canada… but this seems a reasonable compromise that will keep people from being mad at me , ” Legault said .
Pure Laine Québécois man Jean-Denis Ouellette Biron had this to say about the newly refined restrictions : “ J ’ vais @ @ @ @ @ @ @ famille comme un osti d ’ anglophone .
J ’ embrasse ma grand-mère au temps des fêtes tabarnak , ” While the statement defies translation , we assume it is in favour of the change .
The new restricted guidelines for celebrations include further suggestions like mouthing lyrics to traditional call and response songs , mumbling toasts , and for those dressed as Santa to wear two fake beards .
Legault had this to say to those who believe that he should return to enforcing a holiday lockdown : “ For many families @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time they ever are required to get uncomfortably close to their Ma Tantes who smell of wine and strong perfume , and for we men to make tasteless jokes about almost kissing one another and then pulling away .
If I give them this , people will not blame me anymore.
” The premier ended his address by claiming he was not worried for Quebecers safety , as they are accustomed to navigating dangerous and irresponsible behaviour , citing the widespread availability of Labatt 10.1 as precedent .

Montreal – Following backlash after cancelling holiday gatherings, Quebec Premier Francois Legault suggested that Quebecers could see friends and relatives if they swear to only kiss them on a single cheek.
“We understand it is difficult for Quebecers to forgo expressing themselves passionately, as it allows us to feel superior to the rest of Canada… but this seems a reasonable compromise that will keep people from being mad at me,” Legault said.
Pure Laine Québécois man Jean-Denis Ouellette Biron had this to say about the newly refined restrictions: “J’vais pas éviter le contact physique avec ma famille comme un osti d’anglophone. J’embrasse ma grand-mère au temps des fêtes tabarnak,” While the statement defies translation, we assume it is in favour of the change.
The new restricted guidelines for celebrations include further suggestions like mouthing lyrics to traditional call and response songs, mumbling toasts, and for those dressed as Santa to wear two fake beards.
Legault had this to say to those who believe that he should return to enforcing a holiday lockdown:
“For many families, this Christmas may be the last time they ever are required to get uncomfortably close to their Ma Tantes who smell of wine and strong perfume, and for we men to make tasteless jokes about almost kissing one another and then pulling away. If I give them this, people will not blame me anymore.”
The premier ended his address by claiming he was not worried for Quebecers safety, as they are accustomed to navigating dangerous and irresponsible behaviour, citing the widespread availability of Labatt 10.1 as precedent.


thebeaverton--2020-12-14--“Just figure it out!” screams Jeff Bezos at underlings after hearing of man who provides overnight s

“Just figure it out!” screams Jeff Bezos at underlings after hearing of man who provides overnight shipping worldwide on Christmas Eve

SEATTLE – On the heels of their most successful year yet , Amazon HQ was thrown into chaos this afternoon after CEO Jeff Bezos caught wind of a competitor potentially edging in on holiday profits .
Sources within the company reported hearing an anguished cry emanating from their president ’ s office around 10:30 this morning , immediately followed by word that an emergency meeting of Amazon ’ s board of directors had been called .
One employee present ( who requested anonymity for fear of reprisal ) shared that Bezos was furious over reports of a man offering free @ @ @ @ @ @ @ only on December 24th .
Though Amazon is known for its quick turnaround times between order placement and fulfillment , it has yet to achieve the feat this entrepreneur – referred to only as “ Mr .
C ” in internal Amazon documents obtained by this publication – is advertising .
Bezos allegedly demanded that his team uncover how this mysterious figure obtained the infrastructure necessary to pull off such an impressive maneuver , and is considering hiring the Pinkertons to infiltrate Mr. C ’ s operation and report back .
Multiple employees @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on what would have otherwise been a normal day at the office , with one saying , “ [ Bezos ] was on a rampage .
I watched him commandeer an entire fleet of Prime Air drones and send them tailspinning to a fiery demise.
” A spokesperson for Amazon declined to make a statement when asked for comment , but the stories of eyewitnesses illustrate a clear picture of Bezos ’ s frame of mind .
Several confirmed overhearing him scream , “ What , does he think he ’ s some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ frozen yogurt machine in the cafeteria at lunch .
At press time , Mr. C ’ s enterprise had begun successfully poaching Amazon employees with offers of a living wage , health care benefits , and unlimited candy canes .

SEATTLE – On the heels of their most successful year yet, Amazon HQ was thrown into chaos this afternoon after CEO Jeff Bezos caught wind of a competitor potentially edging in on holiday profits.
Sources within the company reported hearing an anguished cry emanating from their president’s office around 10:30 this morning, immediately followed by word that an emergency meeting of Amazon’s board of directors had been called. One employee present (who requested anonymity for fear of reprisal) shared that Bezos was furious over reports of a man offering free overnight shipping on all products worldwide, only on December 24th.
Though Amazon is known for its quick turnaround times between order placement and fulfillment, it has yet to achieve the feat this entrepreneur – referred to only as “Mr. C” in internal Amazon documents obtained by this publication – is advertising. Bezos allegedly demanded that his team uncover how this mysterious figure obtained the infrastructure necessary to pull off such an impressive maneuver, and is considering hiring the Pinkertons to infiltrate Mr. C’s operation and report back.
Multiple employees confirmed that the revelation cast a pall on what would have otherwise been a normal day at the office, with one saying, “[Bezos] was on a rampage. I watched him commandeer an entire fleet of Prime Air drones and send them tailspinning to a fiery demise.”
A spokesperson for Amazon declined to make a statement when asked for comment, but the stories of eyewitnesses illustrate a clear picture of Bezos’s frame of mind. Several confirmed overhearing him scream, “What, does he think he’s some kind of saint?” at the frozen yogurt machine in the cafeteria at lunch.
At press time, Mr. C’s enterprise had begun successfully poaching Amazon employees with offers of a living wage, health care benefits, and unlimited candy canes.


thebeaverton--2020-12-14--Canada extends U.S. border closure to totally arbitrary date of January 21

OTTAWA – The Canadian Border Services Agency has announced that the Canada-U.S. border will remain closed until January 21st , “ a date with no specific significance whatsoever.
” “ We would like to remind travellers that non-essential travel restrictions between the U.S. and Canada have been extended to January 21 , which is a totally random day on the calendar , ” CBSA officials announced .
“ On the 21st , we will be extremely excited to celebrate the opening – the inauguration , if you will – of all Canada-US border crossings.
” On their website , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for vacations , day trips , and any “ presidential ” purposes .
As an added precaution , Prime Minister Trudeau will continue his recent policy of responding to any and all phone calls from the United States by letting them go to voicemail and turning off all the lights in the house to make it seem like he ’ s not at home .
“ Again , we at Border Services have absolutely no idea if anything interesting is happening in the United States on the 21st , maybe in Washington DC @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that will allow everyone in Canada to finally fucking unclench after the past four agonizingly long years , ” the officials continued .
“ I dunno , I ’ m just gabbing .
Anyways , only 37 more days to go !
Not that we ’ ve been counting !
” CBSA officials said they were also “ unable to comment ” on any plans for the border post-January 21st .
Some rumoured plans have included : parades , celebratory fireworks , and hanging a giant banner that says “ Thank Christ Most @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
” At press time , officials from the United States Government stated they had no idea the US-Canada border had ever been closed at all .

OTTAWA – The Canadian Border Services Agency has announced that the Canada-U.S. border will remain closed until January 21st, “a date with no specific significance whatsoever.”
“We would like to remind travellers that non-essential travel restrictions between the U.S. and Canada have been extended to January 21, which is a totally random day on the calendar,” CBSA officials announced. “On the 21st, we will be extremely excited to celebrate the opening – the inauguration, if you will – of all Canada-US border crossings.”
On their website, the CBSA says this border closing includes travel for vacations, day trips, and any “presidential” purposes. As an added precaution, Prime Minister Trudeau will continue his recent policy of responding to any and all phone calls from the United States by letting them go to voicemail and turning off all the lights in the house to make it seem like he’s not at home.
“Again, we at Border Services have absolutely no idea if anything interesting is happening in the United States on the 21st, maybe in Washington DC perhaps, like perhaps something really cool that will allow everyone in Canada to finally fucking unclench after the past four agonizingly long years,” the officials continued.
“I dunno, I’m just gabbing. Anyways, only 37 more days to go! Not that we’ve been counting!”
CBSA officials said they were also “unable to comment” on any plans for the border post-January 21st. Some rumoured plans have included: parades, celebratory fireworks, and hanging a giant banner that says “Thank Christ Most Of You Finally Came To Your Senses!”
At press time, officials from the United States Government stated they had no idea the US-Canada border had ever been closed at all.


thebeaverton--2020-12-14--Report: Best way to discover embarrassing errors in company email is to click “send”

VANCOUVER – According to a new study conducted by researchers at the University of British Columbia , the most effective way for employees to uncover horrifying typos in important company-wide emails is to simply send them .
“ We found that regardless of how many times a test subject would read , re-read , and edit the email , the only statistically proven method of immediately detecting crucial errors was to just click that “ send ” button , ” explained the study ’ s lead researcher Dr. Amy Kwan .
“ What was even more fascinating was the discovery @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the more embarrassing typos our subjects would find.
” “ For example , a simple quarterly status report would generally yield around one to two common spelling errors , but an email introducing the new Regional Manager to the entire company would yield no fewer than five mistakes and one instance of referring to the boss as ‘ mom ’ in a fascinating Freudian autocorrect disaster.
” Marcel Johnson , one of the participants in the study , revealed that he chose to sign up after being forced to quit his job at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mishaps .
“ The last straw was when I triple-checked an email to my boss explaining that I deserved a raise , ” he said , grimacing at the terrible memory .
“ I even showed it to several coworkers and my wife before I sent it , just to make sure .
They all assured me it was word perfect .
But literally ten seconds after I hit ‘ send , ’ I noticed that instead of writing ‘ Thank you so much ’ at the very end , I had typed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ put in my resignation that afternoon and left before I had to look my boss in the eye.
” Dr. Kwan admitted that her primary decision to study this particular technological phenomenon was after losing a particularly valuable employee to what her office only referred to as “ The Mistaken Dick Pic Incident.
” “ I just want to help people keep their jobs , ” she said , patting a participant on the back in an attempt to comfort them after they realized their email had stated that they would get back @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sex.
’ “ If you ’ re going to ruin your career in a truly public fashion , you should at least be aware of it before it happens.
” The study also found that it was statistically impossible to type the phrase “ Please find the file attached below ” without accidentally attaching a drunk picture of yourself from 2002 instead .

VANCOUVER – According to a new study conducted by researchers at the University of British Columbia, the most effective way for employees to uncover horrifying typos in important company-wide emails is to simply send them.
“We found that regardless of how many times a test subject would read, re-read, and edit the email, the only statistically proven method of immediately detecting crucial errors was to just click that “send” button,” explained the study’s lead researcher Dr. Amy Kwan. “What was even more fascinating was the discovery that the more important the email, the more embarrassing typos our subjects would find.”
“For example, a simple quarterly status report would generally yield around one to two common spelling errors, but an email introducing the new Regional Manager to the entire company would yield no fewer than five mistakes and one instance of referring to the boss as ‘mom’ in a fascinating Freudian autocorrect disaster.”
Marcel Johnson, one of the participants in the study, revealed that he chose to sign up after being forced to quit his job at RBC after experiencing one too many typographical mishaps.
“The last straw was when I triple-checked an email to my boss explaining that I deserved a raise,” he said, grimacing at the terrible memory. “I even showed it to several coworkers and my wife before I sent it, just to make sure. They all assured me it was word perfect. But literally ten seconds after I hit ‘send,’ I noticed that instead of writing ‘Thank you so much’ at the very end, I had typed ‘Love you so much.’ I put in my resignation that afternoon and left before I had to look my boss in the eye.”
Dr. Kwan admitted that her primary decision to study this particular technological phenomenon was after losing a particularly valuable employee to what her office only referred to as “The Mistaken Dick Pic Incident.”
“I just want to help people keep their jobs,” she said, patting a participant on the back in an attempt to comfort them after they realized their email had stated that they would get back to a client in ‘just a sex.’ “If you’re going to ruin your career in a truly public fashion, you should at least be aware of it before it happens.”
The study also found that it was statistically impossible to type the phrase “Please find the file attached below” without accidentally attaching a drunk picture of yourself from 2002 instead.


thebeaverton--2020-12-14--Porch pirate disappointed stolen package only contains COVID vaccine

TORONTO – An opportunistic thief has been let down by his latest score after lifting the unattended UPS delivery from @ @ @ @ @ What the hell am I going to do with this ?
” said Tad Adams @ @ @ @ @ at the supercooled Pfizer vaccines once destined to be injected into vulnerable patients and health @ @ @ @ @ is bullshit – there ’ s not even a gift card or moon globe in @ @ @ @ @ than the Ugg Boots I got.
” Hospital staff claimed they gave specific instructions to @ @ @ @ @ doorbell wasn ’ t working and they would have to knock loud enough to be @ @ @ @ @ they could have done was try to hide the delivery behind the shrubs , ” @ @ @ @ @ pharmacist .
At press time , a package containing a camera that would help catch @ @ @ @ @ .

TORONTO – An opportunistic thief has been let down by his latest score after lifting the unattended UPS delivery from a hospital porch.
“What the hell am I going to do with this?” said Tad Adams, a local thief looking at the supercooled Pfizer vaccines once destined to be injected into vulnerable patients and health care workers. “This is bullshit – there’s not even a gift card or moon globe in here. This is worse than the Ugg Boots I got.”
Hospital staff claimed they gave specific instructions to the delivery company that their doorbell wasn’t working and they would have to knock loud enough to be heard.
“The least they could have done was try to hide the delivery behind the shrubs,” complained the hospital’s pharmacist.
At press time, a package containing a camera that would help catch future thieves was also stolen.


thebeaverton--2020-12-14--Indoor restaurant builds separate indoor restaurant on sidewalk in order to work within COVID guidel

Indoor restaurant builds separate indoor restaurant on sidewalk in order to work within COVID guidelines

Barrie , ON – Local restaurants have brilliantly adapted to the new COVID guidelines by building smaller but still fully enclosed restaurants outside their original restaurant .
“ People are not allowed to dine inside our restaurants anymore , ” said Chad Wazowsky , owner of the Firkin branded bars .
“ So what we ’ ve done is made a space outside the bar that has chairs , tables , walls , doors , light fixtures , and is insulated .
We ’ ve moved the indoor experience to an outdoor , indoor experience .
Checkmate COVID !
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ difference between dining inside the original restaurant and dining inside the outdoor , indoor restaurant managers have changed their menus to read “ Outdoor ” menus , thus removing any risk of COVID being transferred from person to person .
“ The news told me I should be nervous about having a burger inside the restaurant , ” said Kyle Vain , currently sitting inside a restaurant dome with his friend .
“ But if you read the menu , I am actually having a “ outdoor ” burger , not the regular @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sit inside this insulted outdoor space for hours laughing , yelling , and blowing particles at each other .
I needed this more than anything else right now !
” Restaurants have incorporated a few other techniques to ensure their customers safety which include calling their 2nd floor a patio , making their kitchen a barbecue inside a fully enclosed tent , and ensuring their staff have already recovered from the COVID they contracted in March so they don ’ t have to wear masks .
In order to further make customers feel @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wait staff to work in them .
These staff take orders , approach the restaurant , announce that they are now “ indoor ” wait staff , and enter the restaurant all together .
Once they get the food from the kitchen staff , they then go back toward the front door , yell “ I am an outdoor wait staff now ” then bring the food to the customer ’ s table .
After being inspired by this brilliant idea , Kyle will now be having his birthday party in a sealed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ friends and family can be safe and still give him stuff .

Barrie, ON – Local restaurants have brilliantly adapted to the new COVID guidelines by building smaller but still fully enclosed restaurants outside their original restaurant.
“People are not allowed to dine inside our restaurants anymore,” said Chad Wazowsky, owner of the Firkin branded bars. “So what we’ve done is made a space outside the bar that has chairs, tables, walls, doors, light fixtures, and is insulated. We’ve moved the indoor experience to an outdoor, indoor experience. Checkmate COVID!”
In order to ensure people understand the difference between dining inside the original restaurant and dining inside the outdoor, indoor restaurant managers have changed their menus to read “Outdoor” menus, thus removing any risk of COVID being transferred from person to person.
“The news told me I should be nervous about having a burger inside the restaurant,” said Kyle Vain, currently sitting inside a restaurant dome with his friend. “But if you read the menu, I am actually having a “outdoor” burger, not the regular one. This means we can safely sit inside this insulted outdoor space for hours laughing, yelling, and blowing particles at each other. I needed this more than anything else right now!”
Restaurants have incorporated a few other techniques to ensure their customers safety which include calling their 2nd floor a patio, making their kitchen a barbecue inside a fully enclosed tent, and ensuring their staff have already recovered from the COVID they contracted in March so they don’t have to wear masks.
In order to further make customers feel comfortable restaurants have ordered special, outdoor wait staff to work in them. These staff take orders, approach the restaurant, announce that they are now “indoor” wait staff, and enter the restaurant all together. Once they get the food from the kitchen staff, they then go back toward the front door, yell “I am an outdoor wait staff now” then bring the food to the customer’s table.
After being inspired by this brilliant idea, Kyle will now be having his birthday party in a sealed tent in his backyard so that his friends and family can be safe and still give him stuff.


thebeaverton--2020-12-14--Op-Ed: Dr. Jill, kiddo, a bit of advice here: drop the “Biden”

Madame First Lady — Dr. Jill— kiddo : a bit of advice on what may seem like a small but I think is a not unimportant matter .
Drop the “ Biden.
” Take it from me , a white man old enough to call a 69-year-old woman “ kiddo ” – I know what I am talking about .
I only have a B.A .
in absentia from Ryerson University – in absentia because Ryerson wasn ’ t a university back then .
I also have an honorary doctorate from Trump University , which I think speaks for itself @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an arduous proceeding : one had to pass examinations in two languages , one of them U.S. English , the other U.K. English .
At Columbia University of an earlier day , a secretary sat outside the room whilst these Bidening examinations were administered , because that is obviously a woman ’ s natural place .
In our sadly postmodern times , the prestige of the name Biden has declined even further .
Such names were once reserved exclusively for white men , their sons , and their sons ’ sons .
Then @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the hope that they would donate all of their time and energy to supporting the male Bidens .
In the United States , recent recipients of the name Biden have included social worker and activist Ashley Biden , and German Shepherds Champ and Major Biden .
I sent a complaining email to the United States Census Bureau about the low quality of such Biden name honorees , with the result that nobody gave a damn about my shitty opinions so I wrote this op-ed instead .
Social progression has put paid to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ may once have possessed .
So forget the small thrill of bearing the name of an incredibly average old white man , and settle for the larger thrill of potentially making a difference in millions of people ’ s lives as First Lady Dr. Motherfucking Jill .

by Joe Weitzmann
Madame First Lady — Dr. Jill— kiddo: a bit of advice on what may seem like a small but I think is a not unimportant matter. Drop the “Biden.”
Take it from me, a white man old enough to call a 69-year-old woman “kiddo” – I know what I am talking about. I only have a B.A. in absentia from Ryerson University – in absentia because Ryerson wasn’t a university back then. I also have an honorary doctorate from Trump University, which I think speaks for itself.
Getting the name Biden was once an arduous proceeding: one had to pass examinations in two languages, one of them U.S. English, the other U.K. English. At Columbia University of an earlier day, a secretary sat outside the room whilst these Bidening examinations were administered, because that is obviously a woman’s natural place.
In our sadly postmodern times, the prestige of the name Biden has declined even further. Such names were once reserved exclusively for white men, their sons, and their sons’ sons. Then white women entered the lists, usually in the hope that they would donate all of their time and energy to supporting the male Bidens.
In the United States, recent recipients of the name Biden have included social worker and activist Ashley Biden, and German Shepherds Champ and Major Biden. I sent a complaining email to the United States Census Bureau about the low quality of such Biden name honorees, with the result that nobody gave a damn about my shitty opinions so I wrote this op-ed instead.
Social progression has put paid to any true honour wearing the name Biden may once have possessed. So forget the small thrill of bearing the name of an incredibly average old white man, and settle for the larger thrill of potentially making a difference in millions of people’s lives as First Lady Dr. Motherfucking Jill.


thebeaverton--2020-12-15--“Shop local” posts man who bought book from Indigo instead of Amazon

REGINA – Local man Aidan Waite is encouraging all his friends and family to stay away from Amazon when doing their holiday shopping , and instead support local mom and pop shops like Indigo Books & Music Inc. “ I know Amazon is convenient and delivers really fast , ” posted Waite .
“ But Canadian small businesses are really hurting right now and we need to support them.
” “ Plus they threw in like 10 different scented candles for free when I ordered a book , ” he added .
Waite is worried that COVID is only accelerating @ @ @ @ @ @ @ displace friendly Canadian business owners , leaving Canadians without access to smaller , uniquely Canadian stores like Pizza Pizza , Roots or walmart.ca So he is making a stand using his purchasing power , and encouraging others to do the same .
“ I just feel a sense of duty to stay in touch with my community , ” said Waite as he walked by an independent furniture store on his way into Leon ’ s .
“ The last thing we want is for Canadian malls to be empty because none of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ press time Waite was ordering his new speakers from Amazon , but only because Best Buy had a 1 day wait .

REGINA – Local man Aidan Waite is encouraging all his friends and family to stay away from Amazon when doing their holiday shopping, and instead support local mom and pop shops like Indigo Books & Music Inc.
“I know Amazon is convenient and delivers really fast,” posted Waite. “But Canadian small businesses are really hurting right now and we need to support them.”
“Plus they threw in like 10 different scented candles for free when I ordered a book,” he added.
Waite is worried that COVID is only accelerating a growing trend where American conglomerates totally displace friendly Canadian business owners, leaving Canadians without access to smaller, uniquely Canadian stores like Pizza Pizza, Roots or walmart.ca
So he is making a stand using his purchasing power, and encouraging others to do the same.
“I just feel a sense of duty to stay in touch with my community,” said Waite as he walked by an independent furniture store on his way into Leon’s. “The last thing we want is for Canadian malls to be empty because none of the stores stay in business.”
At press time Waite was ordering his new speakers from Amazon, but only because Best Buy had a 1 day wait.


thebeaverton--2020-12-15--BC health officials reveal that $7M of defective masks were purchased off Wish.com

VICTORIA – The BC Health department has issued a warning to citizens regarding the dangers of ordering products from e-commerce marketplace Wish.com .
The BC Health department recently ordered $ 7 million worth of masks on the Wish.com platform .
When the first shipment arrived 6 weeks after ordering , they were misshapen Chinese KN95 masks with a Pokemon design and distinct hot dog odour .
The second shipment is not expected for another 80 weeks by which time the province is expecting to have most citizens vaccinated .
An insider said that they warned the ministry not to buy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ body pillow nightmare but their warnings went unheeded .
Health Minister Adrian Dix approved the purchase by the Provincial Health Services Authority ( PHSA ) as he stopped payment on discretionary spending like private jets , home renos , and blow .
“ I ’ ve ordered from Wish.com before .
I bought a beautiful engagement ring for $ 12 and we outfitted the entire ministry with laptops for $ 253 each , ” said Dix .
“ I had no idea that there were shady sellers on such a popular platform that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ duty to warn citizens that it ’ s the wild west of online retail at Wish.com .
Stick to Alibaba or Wayfare if you ’ re looking to buy quality goods online ” When asked for a comment , Wish ’ s CEO Peter Szulczewski pointed out that Wish targets North American households that scrape by on less than $ 31,000 per year and that Wish makes no warranty or guarantees on the items sold .
“ I ’ m surprised that a government agency has been using us for procurement of essential @ @ @ @ @ @ @ realize that BC health care would fall into our target demographic , ” said Szulczewski .
PHSA CEO Benoit Morin wanted to assure BC taxpayers that he has learned his lesson and will never trust Wish again .
Morin issued this warning in between bites of his expensed lunch of foie gras and avocado on toast , “ Bofum lum wour wamh.com .
”

VICTORIA – The BC Health department has issued a warning to citizens regarding the dangers of ordering products from e-commerce marketplace Wish.com.
The BC Health department recently ordered $7 million worth of masks on the Wish.com platform. When the first shipment arrived 6 weeks after ordering, they were misshapen Chinese KN95 masks with a Pokemon design and distinct hot dog odour. The second shipment is not expected for another 80 weeks by which time the province is expecting to have most citizens vaccinated. An insider said that they warned the ministry not to buy off of Wish.com after they experienced a body pillow nightmare but their warnings went unheeded.
Health Minister Adrian Dix approved the purchase by the Provincial Health Services Authority (PHSA) as he stopped payment on discretionary spending like private jets, home renos, and blow.
“I’ve ordered from Wish.com before. I bought a beautiful engagement ring for $12 and we outfitted the entire ministry with laptops for $253 each,” said Dix. “I had no idea that there were shady sellers on such a popular platform that I now feel it’s my duty to warn citizens that it’s the wild west of online retail at Wish.com. Stick to Alibaba or Wayfare if you’re looking to buy quality goods online”
When asked for a comment, Wish’s CEO Peter Szulczewski pointed out that Wish targets North American households that scrape by on less than $31,000 per year and that Wish makes no warranty or guarantees on the items sold. “I’m surprised that a government agency has been using us for procurement of essential medical supplies. I didn’t realize that BC health care would fall into our target demographic,” said Szulczewski.
PHSA CEO Benoit Morin wanted to assure BC taxpayers that he has learned his lesson and will never trust Wish again. Morin issued this warning in between bites of his expensed lunch of foie gras and avocado on toast, “Bofum lum wour wamh.com.”


thebeaverton--2020-12-15--Apple announces $600 sensibility-cancelling headphones

CUPERTINO , CA – Tech giant Apple introduced the world to a brand new member of the Airpod family , the Apple Airpod Max .
This Bluetooth headphone promises high-fidelity audio , adaptive EQ , a $ 779 Cdn price tag and their newest feature , Active Sensibility Cancelation .
“ The sensibility cancellation is a marvellous technology and we ’ re proud to be the first to implement it , ” wrote Tim Cook , CEO of Apple , in a statement .
“ It actively cancels any sensible or reasonable thought you might have about your future purchase @ @ @ @ @ @ @ You ’ re in too deep already ’ ” .
“ Once you sink in $ 549 on a pair of headphones that don ’ t even have MagSafe charging or come with a charger block , you ’ re too deep to ever leave the Apple family .
Might as well get rid of your ergonomic mouse and slowly succumb as the Magic Mouse 2 gives you Carpal Tunnel Syndrome , ” Cook added .
“ Next time your kids beg you to stop buying every new iPhone when they come out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of reason .
When your friends tell you that you don ’ t need an iPad pro to play Plants vs Zombies , it ’ s gon na get cancelled out .
When your husband tells you to spend less time at work running a multibillion tech corporation or else you ’ ll lose him , guess what ?
Cancelled out.
” The new Apple Airpod Max also comes with a leather holster called the Smart Case .
“ The name makes people feel less dumb about pulling out a leather case that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his red banana hammock in the movie Zardoz .
Our designers were actually testing the Sensibility Cancelation features when they designed the Smart Case ” .
There have been rumours about the addition of Active Guilt Cancelling Airpod Max 2 .
This feature will cancel out any feelings of guilt about the life of those 3rd world children that work on the assembly line making Apple products .
In a related story , Sony promises to release a better version of the same thing with twice the performance for half the price 6 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

CUPERTINO, CA – Tech giant Apple introduced the world to a brand new member of the Airpod family, the Apple Airpod Max. This Bluetooth headphone promises high-fidelity audio, adaptive EQ, a $779 Cdn price tag and their newest feature, Active Sensibility Cancelation.
“The sensibility cancellation is a marvellous technology and we’re proud to be the first to implement it,” wrote Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, in a statement. “It actively cancels any sensible or reasonable thought you might have about your future purchase from Apple and says to you ‘You’re in too deep already’”.
“Once you sink in $549 on a pair of headphones that don’t even have MagSafe charging or come with a charger block, you’re too deep to ever leave the Apple family. Might as well get rid of your ergonomic mouse and slowly succumb as the Magic Mouse 2 gives you Carpal Tunnel Syndrome,” Cook added.
“Next time your kids beg you to stop buying every new iPhone when they come out, it will cancel it their voice of reason. When your friends tell you that you don’t need an iPad pro to play Plants vs Zombies, it’s gonna get cancelled out. When your husband tells you to spend less time at work running a multibillion tech corporation or else you’ll lose him, guess what? Cancelled out.”
The new Apple Airpod Max also comes with a leather holster called the Smart Case. “The name makes people feel less dumb about pulling out a leather case that looks like something Sean Connery wore under his red banana hammock in the movie Zardoz. Our designers were actually testing the Sensibility Cancelation features when they designed the Smart Case”.
There have been rumours about the addition of Active Guilt Cancelling Airpod Max 2. This feature will cancel out any feelings of guilt about the life of those 3rd world children that work on the assembly line making Apple products.
In a related story, Sony promises to release a better version of the same thing with twice the performance for half the price 6 months ago.
Sent from my iPhone.


thebeaverton--2020-12-15--Attorney General Barr resigns after finding no evidence of further dictatorial opportunities

WASHINGTON— Following a year and a half of helping to facilitate the Trump Administration ’ s descent into authoritarianism , US Attorney General William Barr handed in his resignation yesterday after being unable to find proof that he would have any more opportunities to propel the country into a full-blown dictatorship going forward .
Barr , who throughout the course of his employment engaged in political and prosecutorial interference , violence against peaceful protesters , and the inaccurate spreading of voter fraud allegations , stated that his only regret was that he couldn ’ t have done more .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going to get to participate in at least a few fun dictatorial hijinks before Christmas , but it unfortunately looks like that ’ s just not going to happen , ” Barr told reporters after dropping off his resignation at the White House , along with a file simply labelled ‘ Cancelled Regime Uniform Designs.
’ “ After examining all the evidence , including the results of the most recent election , I have to admit that our budding fascist empire has stepped its last goose , if you know what I mean.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ order to sadly rip up a hand-drawn picture of him and Trump crushing American workers with a giant judge ’ s gavel .
“ Stupid Biden .
I never even got to assassinate a political opponent .
Well , I guess there ’ s always freelance corruption.
” When asked for a comment on his Attorney General ’ s resignation , President Trump had high praise .
“ Bill has done an amazing job , a fantastic job , even if he totally betrayed me by refusing to illegally proclaim the election a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for the next fifty years , ” Trump enthused .
“ The actions he has taken to completely undermine public trust in both democracy and the justice system were great , even if he never got those super secret underground ANTIFA death camps he always wanted .
Nervous Nancy Pelosi wouldn ’ t let me give them to him for his birthday.
” “ Now if you ’ ll excuse me , I have to go hide in my bunker now that I don ’ t have him to protect me anymore.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whispering sweet , manifesto-filled nothings into Ivanka Trump ’ s ear in hopes that he could ride her coattails into authoritarianism when she inevitably announced her future Presidential run .

WASHINGTON— Following a year and a half of helping to facilitate the Trump Administration’s descent into authoritarianism, US Attorney General William Barr handed in his resignation yesterday after being unable to find proof that he would have any more opportunities to propel the country into a full-blown dictatorship going forward.
Barr, who throughout the course of his employment engaged in political and prosecutorial interference, violence against peaceful protesters, and the inaccurate spreading of voter fraud allegations, stated that his only regret was that he couldn’t have done more.
“I was really hoping that I was going to get to participate in at least a few fun dictatorial hijinks before Christmas, but it unfortunately looks like that’s just not going to happen,” Barr told reporters after dropping off his resignation at the White House, along with a file simply labelled ‘Cancelled Regime Uniform Designs.’
“After examining all the evidence, including the results of the most recent election, I have to admit that our budding fascist empire has stepped its last goose, if you know what I mean.”
He paused for a moment in order to sadly rip up a hand-drawn picture of him and Trump crushing American workers with a giant judge’s gavel. “Stupid Biden. I never even got to assassinate a political opponent. Well, I guess there’s always freelance corruption.”
When asked for a comment on his Attorney General’s resignation, President Trump had high praise.
“Bill has done an amazing job, a fantastic job, even if he totally betrayed me by refusing to illegally proclaim the election a total fraud and letting me be President for the next fifty years,” Trump enthused. “The actions he has taken to completely undermine public trust in both democracy and the justice system were great, even if he never got those super secret underground ANTIFA death camps he always wanted. Nervous Nancy Pelosi wouldn’t let me give them to him for his birthday.”
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go hide in my bunker now that I don’t have him to protect me anymore.”
At press time, Barr was spotted whispering sweet, manifesto-filled nothings into Ivanka Trump’s ear in hopes that he could ride her coattails into authoritarianism when she inevitably announced her future Presidential run.