thebeaverton--2020-02-05--Neat! Murdoch Mysteries has been on so long it now takes place in the future

What a twist !
Turns out Beloved CBC tv series Murdoch Mysteries , about an early 20th Century detective with disturbingly pretty eyes , has been on the air for so many years that it now takes place in the year 2079 .
The first 17 seasons saw Yannick Bisson ’ s Murdoch solve a new murder every week during a decade in which Toronto had almost no murders .
But as the show went on producers were forced to acknowledge the passage of time .
“ I think it was around Season 53 that we caught up to present @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ( great grandson of original series creator R.B .
Carney ) .
“ And we just kept going from there.
” “ Frankly I ’ m just glad to move on from the seasons set in the 1970s .
That version of Murdoch loved beating up hippies and ‘ women ’ s libbers.
’ It was pretty problematic.
” The current season sees Murdoch , still played by Bisson and still dressed like a Victorian era cop , investigate several space murders using his space magnifying glass and space fingerprint duster , with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like the clone of Ernest Hemingway and a robot played by Stephen Harper .
“ Did the writers just put the word ‘ space ’ in front of plotlines that we had done several times before ?
Who ’ s to say ?
, ” said CBC President Catherine Tait .
Some network executives were worried the futuristic sci-fi element would be a turn off for Murdoch ’ s core audience of people in their 70s and 80s .
But it turns out they are just as happy to fall asleep in front @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the old .
What a fun # cancon development !
Way to go Murdoch team !
And for a related story on the top 10 times Murdoch Mysteries predicted the deaths of your family members : click the Murdoch Mysteries tag !

What a twist! Turns out Beloved CBC tv series Murdoch Mysteries, about an early 20th Century detective with disturbingly pretty eyes, has been on the air for so many years that it now takes place in the year 2079.
The first 17 seasons saw Yannick Bisson’s Murdoch solve a new murder every week during a decade in which Toronto had almost no murders. But as the show went on producers were forced to acknowledge the passage of time.
“I think it was around Season 53 that we caught up to present day,” said producer Peter Carney (great grandson of original series creator R.B. Carney). “And we just kept going from there.”
“Frankly I’m just glad to move on from the seasons set in the 1970s. That version of Murdoch loved beating up hippies and ‘women’s libbers.’ It was pretty problematic.”
The current season sees Murdoch, still played by Bisson and still dressed like a Victorian era cop, investigate several space murders using his space magnifying glass and space fingerprint duster, with the help of his space friends, like the clone of Ernest Hemingway and a robot played by Stephen Harper.
“Did the writers just put the word ‘space’ in front of plotlines that we had done several times before? Who’s to say?,” said CBC President Catherine Tait.
Some network executives were worried the futuristic sci-fi element would be a turn off for Murdoch’s core audience of people in their 70s and 80s. But it turns out they are just as happy to fall asleep in front of the new Murdoch as they were the old.
What a fun #cancon development! Way to go Murdoch team! And for a related story on the top 10 times Murdoch Mysteries predicted the deaths of your family members: click the Murdoch Mysteries tag!


thebeaverton--2020-02-05--US Senate confirms committing crimes not illegal

WASHINGTON – Senate Republicans have confirmed that the crimes committed by US President Donald Trump , including abuse of power and obstruction of Congress , were not illegal .
In a 53-47 vote , criminal bribery , fraud , and criminal conspiracy were declared as decent and predictable actions for any normal leader of a democracy .
Majority Leader Mitch McConnell explained that while attempting to bribe a Ukrainian leader to dig up dirt on your opponent may look bad , it ’ s perfectly safe in the eyes of partisan interests .
“ These actions are good crimes , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cracking a champagne bottle to celebrate the victory of senselessness over the rule of law .
“ These good crimes will continue to be legal for a President so long as he ’ s Donald Trump.
” The Senate also voted 52-48 to pardon Trump for any of his future crimes , which are expected throughout the 2020 election and possible second term .
“ I ’ ve always wanted to live in a Hobbesian state of nature , ” said Senator Lindsey Graham .
“ Now all of America gets to join @ @ @ @ @ @ @ use the 229-year-old US Constitution as its toilet paper .

WASHINGTON – Senate Republicans have confirmed that the crimes committed by US President Donald Trump, including abuse of power and obstruction of Congress, were not illegal.
In a 53-47 vote, criminal bribery, fraud, and criminal conspiracy were declared as decent and predictable actions for any normal leader of a democracy.
Majority Leader Mitch McConnell explained that while attempting to bribe a Ukrainian leader to dig up dirt on your opponent may look bad, it’s perfectly safe in the eyes of partisan interests.
“These actions are good crimes, not bad crimes,” explained McConnell cracking a champagne bottle to celebrate the victory of senselessness over the rule of law. “These good crimes will continue to be legal for a President so long as he’s Donald Trump.”
The Senate also voted 52-48 to pardon Trump for any of his future crimes, which are expected throughout the 2020 election and possible second term.
“I’ve always wanted to live in a Hobbesian state of nature,” said Senator Lindsey Graham. “Now all of America gets to join me.”
The Senate washroom will now use the 229-year-old US Constitution as its toilet paper.


thebeaverton--2020-02-06--RCMP: Exclusion zones necessary to protect Canadian public from dangers of rampant journalism

UNCEDED WET ’ SUWET ’ EN TERRITORY – Following a pre-dawn raid to remove Indigenous occupants from several camps in northern B.C .
today , the RCMP is defending its practice of removing journalists from exclusion zones on the grounds that their reporting on the often violent specifics of enforcement actions constitutes a real and present danger to the public .
“ The RCMP is dedicated to protecting the Canadian people from finding out what the RCMP is doing on behalf of the Canadian people , ” the RCMP said in a statement about the raid .
“ There ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is bad so you should never disinfect with sunlight and also disinfecting is overrated.
’ ” The RCMP was at pains to stress that removing journalists to prevent them from creating third-party documentation of policing actions not only protects the Canadian public from being exposed to this documentation , but protects the journalists themselves from harm they could face in an “ active conflict area , ” a term the RCMP use to describe an area in which the RCMP have activated a conflict .
“ It was very damaging to our relationship @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we had snipers in place and were prepared to use deadly force against the Wet ’ suwet ’ en during a raid in 2019 , so it ’ s clearly in the best interests of everyone to keep journalists from revealing that kind of information about us in the future , ” the RCMP statement went on to say .
The creation of exclusion zones , legal grey areas in which Charter rights are functionally suspended for individuals but remain robust for anyone acting on behalf of the resource extraction industry , is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ weapons against the damaging effects of people finding out what they ’ re doing .
“ We firmly believe the best outcome is one in which we ’ re able to take enforcement action without it ever being reported on , ” the RCMP statement concluded .
“ If a raid occurs in the forest and the press isn ’ t around to see it , did it even happen ?
” At press time , no one knows what ’ s happening because all the press have been removed .

UNCEDED WET’SUWET’EN TERRITORY – Following a pre-dawn raid to remove Indigenous occupants from several camps in northern B.C. today, the RCMP is defending its practice of removing journalists from exclusion zones on the grounds that their reporting on the often violent specifics of enforcement actions constitutes a real and present danger to the public.
“The RCMP is dedicated to protecting the Canadian people from finding out what the RCMP is doing on behalf of the Canadian people,” the RCMP said in a statement about the raid. “There’s an old saying: ‘sunlight is bad so you should never disinfect with sunlight and also disinfecting is overrated.’”
The RCMP was at pains to stress that removing journalists to prevent them from creating third-party documentation of policing actions not only protects the Canadian public from being exposed to this documentation, but protects the journalists themselves from harm they could face in an “active conflict area,” a term the RCMP use to describe an area in which the RCMP have activated a conflict.
“It was very damaging to our relationship with Indigenous communities when journalists revealed that we had snipers in place and were prepared to use deadly force against the Wet’suwet’en during a raid in 2019, so it’s clearly in the best interests of everyone to keep journalists from revealing that kind of information about us in the future,” the RCMP statement went on to say.
The creation of exclusion zones, legal grey areas in which Charter rights are functionally suspended for individuals but remain robust for anyone acting on behalf of the resource extraction industry, is one of the RCMP’s best weapons against the damaging effects of people finding out what they’re doing.
“We firmly believe the best outcome is one in which we’re able to take enforcement action without it ever being reported on,” the RCMP statement concluded. “If a raid occurs in the forest and the press isn’t around to see it, did it even happen?”
At press time, no one knows what’s happening because all the press have been removed.


thebeaverton--2020-02-06--China happy that all this Huawei business is distracting from their genocide

BEIJING – With many countries refusing to allow Huawei technology because of its links to Chinese intelligence agencies , as well as the company ’ s CFO still waiting for extradition to the US , many high up in the Chinese Communist Party are just grateful for the distraction from their having put over a million members of the Uyghur ethnic minority into concentration camps .
“ My new year ’ s resolution is to look at the bright side of life , ” said People ’ s Republic of China President Xi Jinping , “ so that ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Sure it ’ s taking longer than I thought to control all telecommunications , but the silver lining is that we ’ re not being held accountable for the ongoing human rights abuses of the Uyghur ethnic minority .
Huawei ’ s possible misuse of users ’ data is the latest in a long series of things that the western press would rather report on than atrocities against the Uyghurs .
Previous topics include : internet censorship ; a trade war ; the entirety of the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games ; the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the fact that President Xi looks like Winnie the Pooh .
China has also reportedly planned several new distracting stories in the coming months , including claiming sovereignty over Newfoundland , building a second great wall , and having President Xi finally dress like Winnie the Pooh .
“ Yes I live in constant fear and terror , ” said Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region resident Turghun Balasaghuni .
“ But I get it , we ’ ve already been reported on so it ’ s boring now and CNN needs to keep their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Prime Minister Trudeau is grateful that Peter MacKay tweeting about his yoga is distracting from a lack of clean drinking water on reserves .

BEIJING – With many countries refusing to allow Huawei technology because of its links to Chinese intelligence agencies, as well as the company’s CFO still waiting for extradition to the US, many high up in the Chinese Communist Party are just grateful for the distraction from their having put over a million members of the Uyghur ethnic minority into concentration camps.
“My new year’s resolution is to look at the bright side of life,” said People’s Republic of China President Xi Jinping, “so that’s what I’m trying to do. Sure it’s taking longer than I thought to control all telecommunications, but the silver lining is that we’re not being held accountable for the ongoing human rights abuses of the Uyghur ethnic minority.
Huawei’s possible misuse of users’ data is the latest in a long series of things that the western press would rather report on than atrocities against the Uyghurs. Previous topics include: internet censorship; a trade war; the entirety of the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games; the recent Coronavirus outbreak in Wuhan; and the fact that President Xi looks like Winnie the Pooh.
China has also reportedly planned several new distracting stories in the coming months, including claiming sovereignty over Newfoundland, building a second great wall, and having President Xi finally dress like Winnie the Pooh.
“Yes I live in constant fear and terror,” said Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region resident Turghun Balasaghuni. “But I get it, we’ve already been reported on so it’s boring now and CNN needs to keep their viewership up.”
In a related story, Prime Minister Trudeau is grateful that Peter MacKay tweeting about his yoga is distracting from a lack of clean drinking water on reserves.


thebeaverton--2020-02-06--Doug Ford has 95% approval rating among kids who hate school

HAMILTON – Premier Doug Ford and his Ontario PCs are decisively ahead among children who hate their schools , principals , and teachers .
According to an Ipsos poll , 95 % of Ontario elementary and high school students who strongly dislike or “ fucking hate ” school fully support keeping teachers on rotating strikes .
“ I fully support him , ” said Cameron McArthur , a grade 10 from Hamilton East Secondary who was spending his day in his basement playing Red Dead Redemption 2 .
“ I get all of this free time off because he likes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve already beat this game twice.
” A further 97 % said they want to see their teachers ’ benefits cut immediately and 99 % said they would be fine with their schools burning down effectively ending public education as they know it .
“ I ’ m finding myself to be much more productive , ” said grade 11 student and local bully Tim Schmit tossing a rock through a window at an abandoned factory .
“ I love Ford ’ s class sizes of 0 because everyone is on strike @ @ @ @ @ @ @ teacher Mrs. Rossi too that would be great .
She ’ s a total bitch .
”

HAMILTON – Premier Doug Ford and his Ontario PCs are decisively ahead among children who hate their schools, principals, and teachers.
According to an Ipsos poll, 95% of Ontario elementary and high school students who strongly dislike or “fucking hate” school fully support keeping teachers on rotating strikes.
“I fully support him,” said Cameron McArthur, a grade 10 from Hamilton East Secondary who was spending his day in his basement playing Red Dead Redemption 2. “I get all of this free time off because he likes to piss off the teachers. I’ve already beat this game twice.”
A further 97% said they want to see their teachers’ benefits cut immediately and 99% said they would be fine with their schools burning down effectively ending public education as they know it.
“I’m finding myself to be much more productive,” said grade 11 student and local bully Tim Schmit tossing a rock through a window at an abandoned factory. “I love Ford’s class sizes of 0 because everyone is on strike. If he could fire my English teacher Mrs. Rossi too that would be great. She’s a total bitch.”


thebeaverton--2020-02-07--Scores dead in war for middle arm rest

Scores dead in war for middle arm rest

MONTREAL — A Via Rail trip traveling from Toronto to Montreal ended in bloodshed following a violent battle for the middle armrest in seats 21 A , B and C. At 9:00am Greg Bilson , Amelia Chang , and Hilda Milford , settled into their seats in aisle 21 , with Bilson assigned to the middle seat , Chang in the aisle , and Milford at the window .
The counter-flanking maneuvers soon began , as Bilson attempted to defend his armrests at all costs .
Civilian bystander report hearing a brief “ Pardon me , ” from Bilson , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ laptop and used it to bludgeoned Chang .
92-year-old Milford then attempted to defend her claim to the middle armrest to her left with a series of blows with a rolled up enRoute magazine .
As the train passed Ajax , open warfare was declared .
“ It was chaos , pure chaos , ” stated survivor Ashifa Hassan .
“ People started taking sides until eventually the entire train was embroiled in battle.
” Seating etiquette expert , Michael Scobie , weighed in on the tragedy noting that , “ in most @ @ @ @ @ @ @ armrest .
On both sides , however , the waters can get muddied depending on age , ability , and other variables like health or size .
Then there are some with an awareness , or complete lack thereof , of middle armrest culture.
” Because of Milford ’ s advanced age , many passengers sided with her claim to the right armrest .
Meanwhile , Chang ’ s army believed chivalry should grant her the left armrest .
Thus resulted a swift battle , as most passengers rose to defend middle seater @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The loss of life was immense , claiming 15 combatants , 10 civilians , and one inflatable neck pillow .
“ In all my years on the train I ’ ve seen tension over armrests , but I ’ ve never seen it escalate past a passive aggressive elbow nudge , ” stated locomotive engineer , Susan Bastos , who was forced to disconnect the train car and escape , before alerting the military .
“ History will point to this tragedy when future disputes arise.
” The surviving combatants are expected to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in The Hague , particularly those who looted the drinks cart during the conflict .
At press time a bloodied but living Greg Bilson stated , “ I ’ m just hoping I don ’ t get the middle seat on the way to the penitentiary .
”

MONTREAL — A Via Rail trip traveling from Toronto to Montreal ended in bloodshed following a violent battle for the middle armrest in seats 21 A, B and C.
At 9:00am Greg Bilson, Amelia Chang, and Hilda Milford, settled into their seats in aisle 21, with Bilson assigned to the middle seat, Chang in the aisle, and Milford at the window. The counter-flanking maneuvers soon began, as Bilson attempted to defend his armrests at all costs.
Civilian bystander report hearing a brief “Pardon me,” from Bilson, before he pulled out his 2012 HP laptop and used it to bludgeoned Chang. 92-year-old Milford then attempted to defend her claim to the middle armrest to her left with a series of blows with a rolled up enRoute magazine.
As the train passed Ajax, open warfare was declared.
“It was chaos, pure chaos,” stated survivor Ashifa Hassan. “People started taking sides until eventually the entire train was embroiled in battle.”
Seating etiquette expert, Michael Scobie, weighed in on the tragedy noting that, “in most cases the middle seat gets the middle armrest. On both sides, however, the waters can get muddied depending on age, ability, and other variables like health or size. Then there are some with an awareness, or complete lack thereof, of middle armrest culture.”
Because of Milford’s advanced age, many passengers sided with her claim to the right armrest. Meanwhile, Chang’s army believed chivalry should grant her the left armrest. Thus resulted a swift battle, as most passengers rose to defend middle seater Bilson’s claim to both.
The loss of life was immense, claiming 15 combatants, 10 civilians, and one inflatable neck pillow.
“In all my years on the train I’ve seen tension over armrests, but I’ve never seen it escalate past a passive aggressive elbow nudge,” stated locomotive engineer, Susan Bastos, who was forced to disconnect the train car and escape, before alerting the military. “History will point to this tragedy when future disputes arise.”
The surviving combatants are expected to be tried at the International Criminal Court in The Hague, particularly those who looted the drinks cart during the conflict.
At press time a bloodied but living Greg Bilson stated, “I’m just hoping I don’t get the middle seat on the way to the penitentiary.”


thebeaverton--2020-02-07--Comments section quarantined for outbreak of coronavirus-related racism

TORONTO – Thousands of Facebook users have been quarantined by the Public Health Agency of Canada after a significant outbreak of novel coronavirus-related bigotry on a CBC News comments thread .
At least 1,400 people on the comments section tested positive for being a racist while infecting others with misinformation about the 176 Canadians being transported from Wuhan , China , to Trenton , Ontario .
“ We are working with the CDC and the meme community on contact tracing , ” said Canada Chief Public Health Officer Theresa Tam .
“ This is one of the most significant dumbass @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s history .
Despite efforts at inoculation through education and media literacy , the herd-resistance to being a bigoted asshole remains low.
” The incubation rate of coronavirus-related hate can vary , but epidemiologists say those with pre-existing racist conditions are at a greater risk of spewing out discrimination against persons of Chinese descent .
Health officials have already duct taped heavy mittens onto the hands of thousands of social media users to prevent racist virus spread through typing and memeing .
In Toronto , the entire team at the Instagram account 6ixBuzztv @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Hospital for targeting a Chinese restaurant , which temporarily relieved the headaches and nausea commonly associated with many of the account ’ s inane posts .
Meanwhile , Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says that his company will follow standard policy against racism by doing nothing about it .

TORONTO – Thousands of Facebook users have been quarantined by the Public Health Agency of Canada after a significant outbreak of novel coronavirus-related bigotry on a CBC News comments thread.
At least 1,400 people on the comments section tested positive for being a racist while infecting others with misinformation about the 176 Canadians being transported from Wuhan, China, to Trenton, Ontario.
“We are working with the CDC and the meme community on contact tracing,” said Canada Chief Public Health Officer Theresa Tam. “This is one of the most significant dumbass outbreaks ever seen in this country’s history. Despite efforts at inoculation through education and media literacy, the herd-resistance to being a bigoted asshole remains low.”
The incubation rate of coronavirus-related hate can vary, but epidemiologists say those with pre-existing racist conditions are at a greater risk of spewing out discrimination against persons of Chinese descent.
Health officials have already duct taped heavy mittens onto the hands of thousands of social media users to prevent racist virus spread through typing and memeing.
In Toronto, the entire team at the Instagram account 6ixBuzztv has been put in isolation at Sunnybrook Hospital for targeting a Chinese restaurant, which temporarily relieved the headaches and nausea commonly associated with many of the account’s inane posts.
Meanwhile, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says that his company will follow standard policy against racism by doing nothing about it.


thebeaverton--2020-02-07--Friend who moved to suburbs really wants you to come visit sometime

Oakville , ON – Ryan , your buddy from University who recently moved to the Toronto suburb of Oakville has texted you for the fourth time this month that you should totally come over and visit soon .
“ You got ta come over man !
” said Ryan .
“ Just hop in the car , drive between 45 minutes and 2 hours depending on traffic , and then we can like watch tv in my slightly larger living room.
” “ It ’ ll be sick !
” he added for effect .
Ryan , who you used @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has grown increasingly eager for your company since moving .
He ’ s even offered to let you sleep over to avoid drinking and driving , and promised to whip up some ‘ primo egg bennys ’ the next morning .
“ I got a pool and a sick grill so this summer , BBQs at my house every weekend ok ?
OK ?
!
!
” he sent in a group fb message to your undergrad intramural hockey team .
Though he insists he is not succumbing to the loneliness and ennui @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Ryan has taken to calling your work , girlfriend , mom and ex-girlfriend to try to pin down your exact location when you don ’ t respond soon enough .
At press time your invite to Ryan to come hang in the city where there are bars and restaurants and things to do was swiftly rejected as he “ doesn ’ t want to drive downtown .
”

Oakville, ON – Ryan, your buddy from University who recently moved to the Toronto suburb of Oakville has texted you for the fourth time this month that you should totally come over and visit soon.
“You gotta come over man!” said Ryan. “Just hop in the car, drive between 45 minutes and 2 hours depending on traffic, and then we can like watch tv in my slightly larger living room.”
“It’ll be sick!” he added for effect.
Ryan, who you used to chill with once every couple months has grown increasingly eager for your company since moving. He’s even offered to let you sleep over to avoid drinking and driving, and promised to whip up some ‘primo egg bennys’ the next morning.
“I got a pool and a sick grill so this summer, BBQs at my house every weekend ok? OK?!!” he sent in a group fb message to your undergrad intramural hockey team.
Though he insists he is not succumbing to the loneliness and ennui that defines life throughout the suburbs, Ryan has taken to calling your work, girlfriend, mom and ex-girlfriend to try to pin down your exact location when you don’t respond soon enough.
At press time your invite to Ryan to come hang in the city where there are bars and restaurants and things to do was swiftly rejected as he “doesn’t want to drive downtown.”


thebeaverton--2020-02-08--Local dog certain you’d be much happier if he had your burger

YOUR LIVING ROOM – Your loving and loyal canine companion Rusty knows for a fact that everyone would benefit from you giving him your burger , and he ’ s confident he can convince you of that if you ’ ll just listen to reason .
“ It ’ s well-known that I am a very good dog , yes I am , I am a very good dog , ” Rusty explains while not breaking eye-contact with the burger .
“ As a very good dog , yes I am , such a good dog , I think it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ become my burger.
” The burger in question , brought by a stranger Rusty heroically frightened off by barking frantically during the entire delivery process , contains not only tasty beef but also cheese , a food Rusty enjoys so greatly he has on occasion been willing to eat it without removing its plastic packaging first .
Rusty feels that this burger was clearly meant for him and while he loves you with every fibre of his being , he still believes the burger should be his .
“ As a good and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , such a good boy , it ’ s obvious that I would enjoy the burger more and I want the burger more , so the burger should be handed over to me , ” Rusty continues , watching intently as you take a bite of what he remains convinced would be better off as his burger .
“ I want the burger not just for my own sake , the sake of a good and special boy , but because I know for a fact that you would also be happier if @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rusty contends , asking that you please ignore the river of drool that is now cascading from his mouth .
“ When I ’ m happy , you ’ re happy , and since the burger would make me happier than it makes you , logically , you would achieve your maximum happiness if I were the one eating it.
” At press time , the burger was already half eaten and Rusty was considering abandoning reasoned debate in favour of a quick and dirty burger heist .

YOUR LIVING ROOM – Your loving and loyal canine companion Rusty knows for a fact that everyone would benefit from you giving him your burger, and he’s confident he can convince you of that if you’ll just listen to reason.
“It’s well-known that I am a very good dog, yes I am, I am a very good dog,” Rusty explains while not breaking eye-contact with the burger. “As a very good dog, yes I am, such a good dog, I think it’s only fair that your burger become my burger.”
The burger in question, brought by a stranger Rusty heroically frightened off by barking frantically during the entire delivery process, contains not only tasty beef but also cheese, a food Rusty enjoys so greatly he has on occasion been willing to eat it without removing its plastic packaging first. Rusty feels that this burger was clearly meant for him and while he loves you with every fibre of his being, he still believes the burger should be his.
“As a good and pretty boy, such a pretty boy, such a good boy, it’s obvious that I would enjoy the burger more and I want the burger more, so the burger should be handed over to me,” Rusty continues, watching intently as you take a bite of what he remains convinced would be better off as his burger.
“I want the burger not just for my own sake, the sake of a good and special boy, but because I know for a fact that you would also be happier if the burger was my burger,” Rusty contends, asking that you please ignore the river of drool that is now cascading from his mouth. “When I’m happy, you’re happy, and since the burger would make me happier than it makes you, logically, you would achieve your maximum happiness if I were the one eating it.”
At press time, the burger was already half eaten and Rusty was considering abandoning reasoned debate in favour of a quick and dirty burger heist.


thebeaverton--2020-02-09--Resilient 11-year-old Ugg boots survive annual closet purge

LONDON , ONT – In a stunning feat of perseverance , an ageing , tattered pair of camel coloured Ugg boots have managed to survive yet another year in their owner ’ s annual closet purge .
“ I just can ’ t let these boots go .
You never know when you might need them , ” stated owner of said Ugg boots , 29-year-old Claire Boyde , already armed with the knowledge that she will never actually need the boots .
Every year since 2014 , Boyde has put the boots in the “ get rid of ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ However , at the last second , she always puts the salt-stained , sole worn , basically unwearable boots back on her shoe rack .
According to reports from family and friends , Boyde will wear the boots for approximately 6-8 weeks post closet clean to justify her decision to keep them .
This usually happens when Boyde is deeply hungover , reminiscing about when she was an undergraduate and wearing cozy outdoor slippers publicly was acceptable .
“ Remember when you didn ’ t have to pay rent , buy groceries and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the night before ?
” asked Boyd , staring longingly at the Ugg boots .
Boyde isn ’ t the only one with this problem .
According to a poll conducted by Statistics Canada , 99 % of Canadians aged 24-36 say they have at least 3 pairs of shoes they keep “ just in case.
” Caleb Simmon , who participated in the poll , indicated he has an 8-year-old pair of Sperry boat shoes he never wears , but will likely always keep .
“ You never know when you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ boat , ” stated Simmon .
He further explained that although he , his parents or his friends do not own a boat , and he has no plans involving boats in the foreseeable future , he is not deterred from indefinitely keeping these shoes .
Despite claims that she will discard the Ugg boots in her next closet clean , it is expected Boyde will keep the boots long enough to pass them down to her first daughter .

LONDON, ONT – In a stunning feat of perseverance, an ageing, tattered pair of camel coloured Ugg boots have managed to survive yet another year in their owner’s annual closet purge.
“I just can’t let these boots go. You never know when you might need them,” stated owner of said Ugg boots, 29-year-old Claire Boyde, already armed with the knowledge that she will never actually need the boots. Every year since 2014, Boyde has put the boots in the “get rid of” pile in her annual closet clean. However, at the last second, she always puts the salt-stained, sole worn, basically unwearable boots back on her shoe rack.
According to reports from family and friends, Boyde will wear the boots for approximately 6-8 weeks post closet clean to justify her decision to keep them. This usually happens when Boyde is deeply hungover, reminiscing about when she was an undergraduate and wearing cozy outdoor slippers publicly was acceptable.
“Remember when you didn’t have to pay rent, buy groceries and could go to class still buzzed from the night before?” asked Boyd, staring longingly at the Ugg boots.
Boyde isn’t the only one with this problem. According to a poll conducted by Statistics Canada, 99% of Canadians aged 24-36 say they have at least 3 pairs of shoes they keep “just in case.” Caleb Simmon, who participated in the poll, indicated he has an 8-year-old pair of Sperry boat shoes he never wears, but will likely always keep.
“You never know when you’re going to end up on a boat,” stated Simmon. He further explained that although he, his parents or his friends do not own a boat, and he has no plans involving boats in the foreseeable future, he is not deterred from indefinitely keeping these shoes.
Despite claims that she will discard the Ugg boots in her next closet clean, it is expected Boyde will keep the boots long enough to pass them down to her first daughter.


thebeaverton--2020-02-10--Toronto man throws going-away party for friend moving north of Bloor

TORONTO – After nine years living in the Toronto downtown core , friends and family of Brandon Miller have thrown a going away party in advance of his packing up and moving north of Bloor Street .
Miller ’ s decision to move was met with mixed responses from friends .
“ I ’ ve seen pictures of his new place and it ’ s nice .
It ’ s just…far , ” said Ray Collins who , according to Google maps , lives a 20 minute subway ride away from best friend Miller ’ s new apartment .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up there ?
Wilderness ?
Barrie ?
” At first Miller reported feeling hesitant about the move , however cheaper rent and the small backyard that comes with his unit ultimately proved too irresistible to pass up .
“ Who cares about a backyard ?
!
” exclaimed Miller ’ s former roommate of the 450 foot condo they once shared .
“ All you need is a balcony and a white Ikea chair .
Besides , I couldn ’ t imagine missing the exhilaration of waking up in the middle of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ guy fighting with his uber driver.
” “ The squad and I are looking into a shared data plan , ” said best friend Collins , “ so that when we visit , we ’ re not hit with mad roaming charges.
” Additionally , Collins and friends have renewed their passports and have signed up with the Registration of Canadians Abroad .
“ I just have to double check that my vaccinations are up to date .
I think they are , because I got them done before I went to that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Collins has committed to visit Miller two weeks after he moves , and has already drafted the ‘ can we raincheck ?
I ’ m exhausted ’ text .
“ The party was the perfect way to say goodbye , “ said Miller , choking back tears .
“ At least for now .
I ’ ll be back next week to grab the rest of my stuff and to attend our friend ’ s wake.
” Sources report the wake is for a mutual friend who will be moving south of the @ @

TORONTO – After nine years living in the Toronto downtown core, friends and family of Brandon Miller have thrown a going away party in advance of his packing up and moving north of Bloor Street.
Miller’s decision to move was met with mixed responses from friends. “I’ve seen pictures of his new place and it’s nice. It’s just…far,” said Ray Collins who, according to Google maps, lives a 20 minute subway ride away from best friend Miller’s new apartment.
“I mean, what’s even up there? Wilderness? Barrie?”
At first Miller reported feeling hesitant about the move, however cheaper rent and the small backyard that comes with his unit ultimately proved too irresistible to pass up. “Who cares about a backyard?!” exclaimed Miller’s former roommate of the 450 foot condo they once shared. “All you need is a balcony and a white Ikea chair. Besides, I couldn’t imagine missing the exhilaration of waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of a drunk guy fighting with his uber driver.”
“The squad and I are looking into a shared data plan,” said best friend Collins, “so that when we visit, we’re not hit with mad roaming charges.” Additionally, Collins and friends have renewed their passports and have signed up with the Registration of Canadians Abroad.
“I just have to double check that my vaccinations are up to date. I think they are, because I got them done before I went to that out-of-town wedding at Yonge and Sheppard.”
Collins has committed to visit Miller two weeks after he moves, and has already drafted the ‘can we raincheck? I’m exhausted’ text.
“The party was the perfect way to say goodbye,“ said Miller, choking back tears. “At least for now. I’ll be back next week to grab the rest of my stuff and to attend our friend’s wake.”
Sources report the wake is for a mutual friend who will be moving south of the Gardiner.


thebeaverton--2020-02-10--Feminist win! Girl boss lays off thousands

WATERLOO , ON – CEO and HBIC of Sqork Media , Cheryl Hawkins recently laid off thousands of employees in a broader attempt to cut down costs .
In a statement to the press , Hawkins said , “ Though we are saddened to lose many of the Sqork Squad , we know that they will understand that it is a necessary step towards re-focusing the company towards our valued customers and executives.
” Hawkins reportedly “ absolutely went off ” by expressing deep sympathies for all former employees in a company-wide email .
She also informed them that her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that they would take the necessary measures to find someone to reach out to in this difficult time .
While the media conglomerate had been rapidly losing money since going public , Hawkins allegedly “ slayed ” a meeting in which board members were offered million-dollar buyouts .
With more than a quarter of the staff dismissed , many “ kweens ” were left to wonder where their next paycheck would come from .
“ I have to admit that I ’ m quite shocked and frightened about what the future may hold @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Khan .
“ But I want what every feminist wants , another # BossBabe in the Fortune 500 .
That ’ s why I honour and respect Cheryl ’ s journey and herstory.
” At press time , an outside company began an audit to determine claims of the media conglomerate “ shero ” embezzling millions into off-shore accounts .

WATERLOO, ON – CEO and HBIC of Sqork Media, Cheryl Hawkins recently laid off thousands of employees in a broader attempt to cut down costs.
In a statement to the press, Hawkins said, “Though we are saddened to lose many of the Sqork Squad, we know that they will understand that it is a necessary step towards re-focusing the company towards our valued customers and executives.”
Hawkins reportedly “absolutely went off” by expressing deep sympathies for all former employees in a company-wide email. She also informed them that her emotional plate was at capacity and hoped that they would take the necessary measures to find someone to reach out to in this difficult time.
While the media conglomerate had been rapidly losing money since going public, Hawkins allegedly “slayed” a meeting in which board members were offered million-dollar buyouts.
With more than a quarter of the staff dismissed, many “kweens” were left to wonder where their next paycheck would come from.
“I have to admit that I’m quite shocked and frightened about what the future may hold,” winced terminated account manager Shirin Khan. “But I want what every feminist wants, another #BossBabe in the Fortune 500. That’s why I honour and respect Cheryl’s journey and herstory.”
At press time, an outside company began an audit to determine claims of the media conglomerate “shero” embezzling millions into off-shore accounts.


thebeaverton--2020-02-10--Folksy Joe Biden cheerfully greets supporter as two-bit secretary with no tits

CONCORD–During a campaign event for the upcoming New Hampshire Primary , former Vice President Joe Biden charmed a crowd by playfully addressing an attendee as a “ two-bit secretary with no tits and a mug that would bring a hobo out of a coma.
” “ Just long enough to take a second look at that mug and then fall back into the coma , ” he added .
Biden , who has long been applauded for his down-to-earth relatability , went on to rib his supporter as “ somebody who couldn ’ t sing her way out of a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bottom of Niagara Falls , which , frankly , would be the best place for somebody with gams that flip-floppy.
” While most of the crowd was charmed with Biden ’ s frank , easy rapport with his supporters , some have expressed concern that such comments might hinder his ability to connect with younger voters and women .
“ But then I thought , who wouldn ’ t be charmed by a nice old man taking the time to tell you that you look like a potato that got locked in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t come out ‘ til Labour Day ?
I mean–who can stay mad at the guy ?
” At press time , Joe Biden has reportedly called a lady he met on the street “ a piece of doublemint that stuck to the bleachers but still knows how to chew , ’ and honestly it was kind of cute .

CONCORD–During a campaign event for the upcoming New Hampshire Primary, former Vice President Joe Biden charmed a crowd by playfully addressing an attendee as a “two-bit secretary with no tits and a mug that would bring a hobo out of a coma.”
“Just long enough to take a second look at that mug and then fall back into the coma,” he added.
Biden, who has long been applauded for his down-to-earth relatability, went on to rib his supporter as “somebody who couldn’t sing her way out of a paper bag if she was at the bottom of Niagara Falls, which, frankly, would be the best place for somebody with gams that flip-floppy.”
While most of the crowd was charmed with Biden’s frank, easy rapport with his supporters, some have expressed concern that such comments might hinder his ability to connect with younger voters and women.
“But then I thought, who wouldn’t be charmed by a nice old man taking the time to tell you that you look like a potato that got locked in the slammer for petty theft and didn’t come out ‘til Labour Day? I mean–who can stay mad at the guy?”
At press time, Joe Biden has reportedly called a lady he met on the street “a piece of doublemint that stuck to the bleachers but still knows how to chew,’ and honestly it was kind of cute.


thebeaverton--2020-02-10--VIA Rail relieved they don’t have to use bullshit ‘passing freight train’ excuse for late trains

VIA Rail relieved they don ’ t have to use bullshit ‘ passing freight train ’ excuse for late trains BELLVILLE , ON – VIA Rail has expressed relief that now they have a legitimate excuse for delayed and cancelled trains instead of the ‘ passing freight train ’ horse shit they usually peddle to their frustrated passengers .
“ I can ’ t believe we finally have a legitimate reason why our trains have been delayed for hours on end , ” said a VIA spokesperson referring to the blockade by the Mohawks of the Bay of Quinte in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ot ’ en .
“ We have a whole list of bullshit excuses like ‘ a broken signal ’ or ‘ adverse weather conditions.
’ What does those even mean ?
I don ’ t even know , but I would like to thank protesters for giving us a reason people can see and believe.
” Meanwhile , employees working on stopped trains recited the reason for the delays .
“ We are delayed due to a high volume of colonialism , ” said a VIA Rail employee to 200 passengers stuck @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Canadian government acknowledges indigenous sovereignty of the land , we ’ ll be back up and running.
” “ We are still expected to arrive in Toronto four days ago , ” added the cabin crew .

VIA Rail relieved they don’t have to use bullshit ‘passing freight train’ excuse for late trains
BELLVILLE, ON – VIA Rail has expressed relief that now they have a legitimate excuse for delayed and cancelled trains instead of the ‘passing freight train’ horse shit they usually peddle to their frustrated passengers.
“I can’t believe we finally have a legitimate reason why our trains have been delayed for hours on end,” said a VIA spokesperson referring to the blockade by the Mohawks of the Bay of Quinte in support of BC pipeline protests at Unist’ot’en. “We have a whole list of bullshit excuses like ‘a broken signal’ or ‘adverse weather conditions.’ What does those even mean? I don’t even know, but I would like to thank protesters for giving us a reason people can see and believe.”
Meanwhile, employees working on stopped trains recited the reason for the delays.
“We are delayed due to a high volume of colonialism,” said a VIA Rail employee to 200 passengers stuck on Train 645. “Once the Canadian government acknowledges indigenous sovereignty of the land, we’ll be back up and running.”
“We are still expected to arrive in Toronto four days ago,” added the cabin crew.


thebeaverton--2020-02-10--Trudeau slides into African Union’s DMs

Trudeau slides into African Union’s DMs

ADDIS ABABA – A flirtatious Justin Trudeau has slid into the DMs of the African Union ’ s Instagram account while on a charm offensive throughout the continent .
“ Heeeeey , you seem familiar , did I see you at a G7 Summit ?
” said the Canadian Prime Minister to the continental union in a private message .
“ You said some pretty remarkable things in the speeches you made.
” “ Who is this guy ?
” asked AU Chairperson Abdel Fattah el-Sisi to his 54 other colleagues all huddled around the AU ’ s iPhone .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
” Close friends have advised the organization representing 55 countries that Trudeau is just a player not looking for a relationship who wants a seat on the UN Security and would go back to forgetting about the continent the moment he wins the election .
“ He ’ s just saying that he recognized Palestine ’ s right to self-determination , but doesn ’ t really mean it , ” warned Rwandan President Paul Kagame .
“ JT thinks he can just pull out his big helicopters and think we ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bit so we don ’ t seem desperate.
” Other close advisers said he ’ s kind of cute with his gender equality policies and is pretty sauve with his French .
“ We ’ re not members of the G7 , remember ?
# TooPosh , ” replied the AU to Trudeau ’ s rather intentional mistake .
“ Lol I feel like such a creep now .
But I remember seeing you from somewhere .
Was it the UN General Assembly ?
” said Trudeau attempting to gain a connection .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ NBA Champ Masai [ Ujiri ] – he ’ s from Africa too , ” messaged Trudeau , which did not receive a response .
At press time , Norwegian Prime Minister Erna Solberg made a huge faux pas to the African Union by sharing a pic of her country ’ s oil wealth .

ADDIS ABABA – A flirtatious Justin Trudeau has slid into the DMs of the African Union’s Instagram account while on a charm offensive throughout the continent.
“Heeeeey, you seem familiar, did I see you at a G7 Summit?” said the Canadian Prime Minister to the continental union in a private message. “You said some pretty remarkable things in the speeches you made.”
“Who is this guy?” asked AU Chairperson Abdel Fattah el-Sisi to his 54 other colleagues all huddled around the AU’s iPhone. “Ugh, should I reply back?”
Close friends have advised the organization representing 55 countries that Trudeau is just a player not looking for a relationship who wants a seat on the UN Security and would go back to forgetting about the continent the moment he wins the election.
“He’s just saying that he recognized Palestine’s right to self-determination, but doesn’t really mean it,” warned Rwandan President Paul Kagame. “JT thinks he can just pull out his big helicopters and think we’ll be impressed, so just wait a bit so we don’t seem desperate.”
Other close advisers said he’s kind of cute with his gender equality policies and is pretty sauve with his French.
“We’re not members of the G7, remember? #TooPosh,” replied the AU to Trudeau’s rather intentional mistake.
“Lol I feel like such a creep now. But I remember seeing you from somewhere. Was it the UN General Assembly?” said Trudeau attempting to gain a connection.
“Maybe,” replied the AU with a shrugging emoji.
“But you know my friend and NBA Champ Masai [Ujiri] – he’s from Africa too,” messaged Trudeau, which did not receive a response.
At press time, Norwegian Prime Minister Erna Solberg made a huge faux pas to the African Union by sharing a pic of her country’s oil wealth.


thebeaverton--2020-02-11--Ontario teachers reject gov’s latest offer of ‘Ford gets to punch one teacher in the face every day’

TORONTO – After taking the weekend to mull it over , Ontario ’ s teachers have decided not to accept the provincial government ’ s latest offer , where salaries would be drastically cut and Ford would get to punch one teacher in the face each and every day , including weekends .
“ We thought our offer was more than fair , ” said Minister of Education Stephen Lecce .
“ If the teacher ’ s union really respected the taxpayer , they ’ d let Premier Ford punch 3 teachers a day , but we ’ re only @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re never going to be able to balance the budget unless our bloated civil service gets in line and accepts their punishments from Daddy , ” he added .
The offer stated that every day teachers from a designated school would line up and prepare for the selection .
Ford would then get to pace back and forth , choosing his prey based on whatever criteria he wishes .
Once selected the designated punchey would have two minutes to prepare themselves , remove any glasses and make an appointment with their dentist before @ @ @ @ @ @ @ taken them up on it if we could guarantee only the biggest and strongest would be hit , ” said union rep Percy Bryan .
“ But just from the look in his [ Ford ’ s ] eye I could tell he was going straight for Mrs. McClanahan .
I mean she ’ s 71 for Christ ’ s sake !
” Alongside the ‘ mandatory face punch ’ the offer included a 10 % reduction in salary , drastic cuts to special education programs and the elimination of all math and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ those nerds who ’ s boss.
” Although disappointed the Ford gov does have a back-up offer ready , where Ford gets to spit in a teacher ’ s coffee once a week and also all the teachers have to call him ‘ big poppa ’ every time they see him .

TORONTO – After taking the weekend to mull it over, Ontario’s teachers have decided not to accept the provincial government’s latest offer, where salaries would be drastically cut and Ford would get to punch one teacher in the face each and every day, including weekends.
“We thought our offer was more than fair,” said Minister of Education Stephen Lecce. “If the teacher’s union really respected the taxpayer, they’d let Premier Ford punch 3 teachers a day, but we’re only asking for 1.”
“We’re never going to be able to balance the budget unless our bloated civil service gets in line and accepts their punishments from Daddy,” he added.
The offer stated that every day teachers from a designated school would line up and prepare for the selection. Ford would then get to pace back and forth, choosing his prey based on whatever criteria he wishes. Once selected the designated punchey would have two minutes to prepare themselves, remove any glasses and make an appointment with their dentist before being struck.
“We might have taken them up on it if we could guarantee only the biggest and strongest would be hit,” said union rep Percy Bryan. “But just from the look in his [Ford’s] eye I could tell he was going straight for Mrs. McClanahan. I mean she’s 71 for Christ’s sake!”
Alongside the ‘mandatory face punch’ the offer included a 10% reduction in salary, drastic cuts to special education programs and the elimination of all math and science departments in order to “show those nerds who’s boss.”
Although disappointed the Ford gov does have a back-up offer ready, where Ford gets to spit in a teacher’s coffee once a week and also all the teachers have to call him ‘big poppa’ every time they see him.


thebeaverton--2020-02-11--GasLink claims many First Nations support the pipeline, just not the one whose land they’re putting

GasLink claims many First Nations support the pipeline, just not the one whose land they’re putting the pipeline on

VANCOUVER- The company behind the Coastal GasLink pipeline has reasserted that many First Nations have signed off on the project , just not the nation whose unceded land they are currently building the pipeline on .
“ It ’ s kind of like if you wanted to build something in Belgium but the government in Brussels wouldn ’ t give you permission .
You would just get consent from the French , ” said Minister of Crown–Indigenous Relations Carolyn Bennet .
“ And then if Belgium objected you would get all mad and claim Europeans are impossible to negotiate with.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ not getting the Wet ’ suwet ’ en hereditary chiefs ’ legal permission to build on their lands , they did obtain the approval of numerous First Nations tribes who live kind of near the pipeline , as well as a bunch who don ’ t , just for fun .
“ What people don ’ t understand is that when we said we wanted to work with First Nations , we meant the ones that agreed with us , ” said Coastal Gaslink President David Pfeiffer .
“ Our goal wasn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s just a fun byproduct of polluting the environment and wasting federal investments.
” The RCMP have called on the protesters to remain peaceful , because violence is kind of their thing .

VANCOUVER- The company behind the Coastal GasLink pipeline has reasserted that many First Nations have signed off on the project, just not the nation whose unceded land they are currently building the pipeline on.
“It’s kind of like if you wanted to build something in Belgium but the government in Brussels wouldn’t give you permission. You would just get consent from the French,” said Minister of Crown–Indigenous Relations Carolyn Bennet. “And then if Belgium objected you would get all mad and claim Europeans are impossible to negotiate with.”
Coastal Gaslink reassured Canadians that despite not getting the Wet’suwet’en hereditary chiefs’ legal permission to build on their lands, they did obtain the approval of numerous First Nations tribes who live kind of near the pipeline, as well as a bunch who don’t, just for fun.
“What people don’t understand is that when we said we wanted to work with First Nations, we meant the ones that agreed with us,” said Coastal Gaslink President David Pfeiffer. “Our goal wasn’t to colonize unceded land, it’s just a fun byproduct of polluting the environment and wasting federal investments.”
The RCMP have called on the protesters to remain peaceful, because violence is kind of their thing.


thebeaverton--2020-02-11--Canadians stockpile ear protection as precaution for John Baird leadership bid

OTTAWA – In preparation for a possible John Baird Conservative Party leadership bid , Canadians have been busy stocking ear protection equipment .
Media speculation about Baird ’ s possible entry into the race to face Tory heavyweight Peter MacKay has caused shelves of ear plugs to be emptied at drug stores and ear muffs selling out at local Canadian Tires and Home Depots .
“ I first experienced hearing loss when I heard Baird ’ s speech about budget cuts while I was taking a tour of Parliament in 2006 , ” said Calgary man Tom Wilson .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my ear about how the Kyoto Accord will kill the economy.
” The former Harper cabinet minister who abruptly left the Harper government in 2015 was known for his Deafening Diplomacy and ability to win Question Period debates by being the loudest .
“ His hyperboles can reach a volume of up to 130 decibels during speeches and debates making him louder than a deck on an aircraft carrier , ” said Dr. Shalta Blarney , a local otolaryngologist .
“ John Baird is also the second leading cause of tinnitus and the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
”

OTTAWA – In preparation for a possible John Baird Conservative Party leadership bid, Canadians have been busy stocking ear protection equipment.
Media speculation about Baird’s possible entry into the race to face Tory heavyweight Peter MacKay has caused shelves of ear plugs to be emptied at drug stores and ear muffs selling out at local Canadian Tires and Home Depots.
“I first experienced hearing loss when I heard Baird’s speech about budget cuts while I was taking a tour of Parliament in 2006,” said Calgary man Tom Wilson. “I still have this annoying ringing in my ear about how the Kyoto Accord will kill the economy.”
The former Harper cabinet minister who abruptly left the Harper government in 2015 was known for his Deafening Diplomacy and ability to win Question Period debates by being the loudest.
“His hyperboles can reach a volume of up to 130 decibels during speeches and debates making him louder than a deck on an aircraft carrier,” said Dr. Shalta Blarney, a local otolaryngologist. “John Baird is also the second leading cause of tinnitus and the third leading cause of avalanches in Canada.”


thebeaverton--2020-02-12--“Couldn’t they have called the coronavirus something else?” asks local man named Covid-19

CALGARY – The international community now has a name for the coronavirus that ’ s killed over a thousand people and sickened tens of thousands more , Covid-19 , and a local man with the same name as the virus is not happy about it .
“ How are people supposed to know that news reports about the virus aren ’ t about me ?
” complained Covid-19 , a 33-year-old accountant who lives in south Calgary .
“ The next time someone Googles my name , the number one search result will be ‘ Covid-19 death toll rises ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ I ’ ve never killed anyone .
And yes , I have caused one minor recession , but that was years ago.
” The name Covid-19 ( the virus , not the person ) is a combination of the words ‘ corona , ’ ‘ virus , ’ ‘ disease ’ and the year it emerged .
The name Covid-19 ( the person , not the virus ) is a combination of his parents ’ first names , Cora and David , and a random number to make him seem like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ David are huge sci-fi fans .
“ It took me decades to come to terms with my unusual name , and now I have to change it just because thousands of lives have been destroyed ?
” Covid-19 ( the person , not the virus ) said .
“ How is that fair ?
I wouldn ’ t say I ’ m the greatest victim of this virus , seeing as how it ’ s killed a large number of people , but I ’ m definitely one of its greatest victims .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ At press time , Covid-19 ( the person , not the virus ) had officially changed his name , creating what he hopes will be a new , less sensational moniker for himself out of his parents ’ last names , Charles and Manson .

CALGARY – The international community now has a name for the coronavirus that’s killed over a thousand people and sickened tens of thousands more, Covid-19, and a local man with the same name as the virus is not happy about it.
“How are people supposed to know that news reports about the virus aren’t about me?” complained Covid-19, a 33-year-old accountant who lives in south Calgary. “The next time someone Googles my name, the number one search result will be ‘Covid-19 death toll rises’ or ‘Covid-19 causes major recession.’”
“I’ve never killed anyone. And yes, I have caused one minor recession, but that was years ago.”
The name Covid-19 (the virus, not the person) is a combination of the words ‘corona,’ ‘virus,’ ‘disease’ and the year it emerged. The name Covid-19 (the person, not the virus) is a combination of his parents’ first names, Cora and David, and a random number to make him seem like a robot or clone because Cora and David are huge sci-fi fans.
“It took me decades to come to terms with my unusual name, and now I have to change it just because thousands of lives have been destroyed?” Covid-19 (the person, not the virus) said. “How is that fair? I wouldn’t say I’m the greatest victim of this virus, seeing as how it’s killed a large number of people, but I’m definitely one of its greatest victims. Top three thousand, at least.”
At press time, Covid-19 (the person, not the virus) had officially changed his name, creating what he hopes will be a new, less sensational moniker for himself out of his parents’ last names, Charles and Manson.


thebeaverton--2020-02-12--Postmedia columnists take a break from dehumanizing drug users to humanize Jordan Peterson’s drug pr

Postmedia columnists take a break from dehumanizing drug users to humanize Jordan Peterson’s drug problem

TORONTO – Postmedia columnists have taken time out of their busy days of condemning safe consumption sites and the “ dangerous people ” who use them to address Jordan Peterson ’ s addiction to prescription benzodiazepine .
Upon hearing the unfortunate news , the media company ’ s opinion makers swiftly came to the aid of the controversial academic and author as quickly as a Starbucks store gentrifies a poor neighbourhood .
“ Some people say they don ’ t feel safe around Jordan Peterson , which is absolutely ridiculous and loaded with stigma , ” said Barbara Kay busy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s culture war .
“ I would happily support having a detox clinic in my area so long as it was only used by Jordan Peterson.
” Opinion writers called for compassion since “ addiction is only a choice if you live in poverty and on social assistance.
” “ We used all the right words like “ living hell ” and “ deadly ” to describe Peterson ’ s pain , ” chimed columnist Rex Murphy .
“ This is also the words we use to describe what it ’ s like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a safe consumption site with all of the addicted ragamuffins scurrying about.
” According to sources , Postmedia Network will bravely stand by anyone suffering from a drug problem so long as it suits their agenda .

TORONTO – Postmedia columnists have taken time out of their busy days of condemning safe consumption sites and the “dangerous people” who use them to address Jordan Peterson’s addiction to prescription benzodiazepine.
Upon hearing the unfortunate news, the media company’s opinion makers swiftly came to the aid of the controversial academic and author as quickly as a Starbucks store gentrifies a poor neighbourhood.
“Some people say they don’t feel safe around Jordan Peterson, which is absolutely ridiculous and loaded with stigma,” said Barbara Kay busy writing another column about the left’s culture war. “I would happily support having a detox clinic in my area so long as it was only used by Jordan Peterson.”
Opinion writers called for compassion since “addiction is only a choice if you live in poverty and on social assistance.”
“We used all the right words like “living hell” and “deadly” to describe Peterson’s pain,” chimed columnist Rex Murphy. “This is also the words we use to describe what it’s like to live in the same area as a safe consumption site with all of the addicted ragamuffins scurrying about.”
According to sources, Postmedia Network will bravely stand by anyone suffering from a drug problem so long as it suits their agenda.


thebeaverton--2020-02-12--Local man glad he hung onto cough mask from SARS outbreak

TORONTO – As the danger from Coronavirus increases daily , Keith Dellware is reportedly congratulating himself on his foresight and frugality by holding on to the same cough mask he wore during the 2003 SARS outbreak .
“ Those surgical equipment fat cats were probably rubbing their hands together when this coronavirus hubbub came out.
” Dellware said from inside the kitchen cupboard where he kept the mask .
“ But I saw them coming !
They aren ’ t getting their hands on my $ 3.57 !
” “ Still fits ” he mumbled as he placed the yellowing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Despite the obvious logic in saving hygienic equipment for future use , Dellware had a difficult time getting his wife to let him keep it .
“ Every year she would try to ‘ MarieKondo ’ it out of our house .
But what sparks more joy than saving your life and a couple bucks all in one ?
” The mask is the last item needed by Dellware to complete his epidemic emergency kit , which includes the blanket he found on the street during the swine flu outbreak and the crystals @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Disease , which have proven 100 % effective .
At press time , Dellware is reportedly calculating how much he will save on transit now that he ’ s been advised to not leave the house by the authorities .

TORONTO – As the danger from Coronavirus increases daily, Keith Dellware is reportedly congratulating himself on his foresight and frugality by holding on to the same cough mask he wore during the 2003 SARS outbreak.
“Those surgical equipment fat cats were probably rubbing their hands together when this coronavirus hubbub came out.” Dellware said from inside the kitchen cupboard where he kept the mask. “But I saw them coming! They aren’t getting their hands on my $3.57!”
“Still fits” he mumbled as he placed the yellowing, moist mask over his mouth.
Despite the obvious logic in saving hygienic equipment for future use, Dellware had a difficult time getting his wife to let him keep it.
“Every year she would try to ‘MarieKondo’ it out of our house. But what sparks more joy than saving your life and a couple bucks all in one?”
The mask is the last item needed by Dellware to complete his epidemic emergency kit, which includes the blanket he found on the street during the swine flu outbreak and the crystals he bought to ward off Mad Cow Disease, which have proven 100% effective.
At press time, Dellware is reportedly calculating how much he will save on transit now that he’s been advised to not leave the house by the authorities.


thebeaverton--2020-02-13--Brand new TTC vehicle pre-emptively self-combusts to save everyone some time

TORONTO – After hearing stories about the chaos caused by Toronto Transit vehicles meeting their ends in fires , crashes , and nonstop signal problems , a new bus scheduled to begin service in Toronto today made the decision to pre-emptively break down in order to save angry TTC riders time and frustration .
“ One minute I was admiring its new paint job and thinking about all the elderly people I was going to pretend not to see waiting for the bus that day , ” exclaimed bus driver Tom Kramer .
“ And the next , the scrolling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ read ‘ LET ’ S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH ’ and the whole thing just exploded .
Pretty selfless , if you ask me.
” Regular TTC user Christine Holland admitted that she appreciated the bus ’ s gesture , explaining that it had really helped her plan her afternoon .
“ If it hadn ’ t happened in the lot , it would have happened sometime soon , ” she said , after trying and failing to tap her PRESTO card on a broken machine for the third time that day @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have been during rush hour and inconvenienced hundreds of people .
So , instead , we all took the subway , which caught on fire and made us disembark , and then a streetcar , which short-turned .
It was still faster than the bus would have been.
” TTC CEO Rick Leary announced at a press conference this evening that the bus had truly done all of Toronto a favour .
“ We ’ re actually thinking of purchasing more of these self-immolating vehicles , ” he explained , nodding solemnly .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the city with even fewer methods of transportation , but at least we know the buses that do leave the lot won ’ t break down for at least a week or two .
Or during a light rain .
Or if there are more than ten people waiting at the stop .
I think this is going to be a real money-saver.
” At press time , TTC ticket inspectors had eagerly started seven fist fights .

TORONTO – After hearing stories about the chaos caused by Toronto Transit vehicles meeting their ends in fires, crashes, and nonstop signal problems, a new bus scheduled to begin service in Toronto today made the decision to pre-emptively break down in order to save angry TTC riders time and frustration.
“One minute I was admiring its new paint job and thinking about all the elderly people I was going to pretend not to see waiting for the bus that day,” exclaimed bus driver Tom Kramer. “And the next, the scrolling text on the front of the vehicle read ‘LET’S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH’ and the whole thing just exploded. Pretty selfless, if you ask me.”
Regular TTC user Christine Holland admitted that she appreciated the bus’s gesture, explaining that it had really helped her plan her afternoon.
“If it hadn’t happened in the lot, it would have happened sometime soon,” she said, after trying and failing to tap her PRESTO card on a broken machine for the third time that day. “And chances are it would have been during rush hour and inconvenienced hundreds of people. So, instead, we all took the subway, which caught on fire and made us disembark, and then a streetcar, which short-turned. It was still faster than the bus would have been.”
TTC CEO Rick Leary announced at a press conference this evening that the bus had truly done all of Toronto a favour.
“We’re actually thinking of purchasing more of these self-immolating vehicles,” he explained, nodding solemnly. “Sure, it’ll leave the city with even fewer methods of transportation, but at least we know the buses that do leave the lot won’t break down for at least a week or two. Or during a light rain. Or if there are more than ten people waiting at the stop. I think this is going to be a real money-saver.”
At press time, TTC ticket inspectors had eagerly started seven fist fights.


thebeaverton--2020-02-13--Bombardier ask for another $3.7 billion to study the effects of government money going through a jet

Bombardier ask for another $3.7 billion to study the effects of government money going through a jet engine

MONTREAL – Executives at Bombardier Inc. have asked the federal and provincial governments for another $ 3.7 billion in government grants and subsidies for a special research project whereby money is sucked into a jet engine just for the hell of it .
After selling its remaining stakes in the A220 commercial aircraft program and posting a loss of $ 1.6 billion US for 2019 , the company is looking for more creative ways to lose money at everybody else ’ s expense .
“ It ’ s gon na be sick , ” said Bombardier CEO Alain M. Bellemare @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ The bags of $ 1,000 bills should melt or burn , but we wonder what would happen if we put a toonie in there .
Would it melt or create a really cool explosion ?
” Bombardier had previously spent $ 2 billion in federal subsidies to study the effects of crushing coins on railway tracks with its undelivered trains .
“ All those loonies and toonies came out all bent and shit , ” added Bellemare .
According to the sources inside the company , Bombardier hopes to report its @ @ @ @ @ @ @ six science fair .

MONTREAL – Executives at Bombardier Inc. have asked the federal and provincial governments for another $3.7 billion in government grants and subsidies for a special research project whereby money is sucked into a jet engine just for the hell of it.
After selling its remaining stakes in the A220 commercial aircraft program and posting a loss of $1.6 billion US for 2019, the company is looking for more creative ways to lose money at everybody else’s expense.
“It’s gonna be sick,” said Bombardier CEO Alain M. Bellemare describing the project filled with youthful glee. “The bags of $1,000 bills should melt or burn, but we wonder what would happen if we put a toonie in there. Would it melt or create a really cool explosion?”
Bombardier had previously spent $2 billion in federal subsidies to study the effects of crushing coins on railway tracks with its undelivered trains.
“All those loonies and toonies came out all bent and shit,” added Bellemare.
According to the sources inside the company, Bombardier hopes to report its findings to the public at a grade six science fair.


thebeaverton--2020-02-14--Indigenous Services Minister generously offers to have a beer with protesters after they get out of

Indigenous Services Minister generously offers to have a beer with protesters after they get out of jail

OTTAWA – As an olive branch from the Trudeau government to the Indigenous groups showing solidarity with the Wet ’ suwet ’ en hereditary chiefs by blocking some of Canada ’ s busiest railways , Indigenous Services Minister Marc Miller has offered to buy them a round after all of them are arrested .
“ In return for what we believe is a very generous offer of beer and my camaraderie , we do expect all of the barricades to immediately come down .
I don ’ t think any of us will be able to enjoy a refreshing alcoholic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Minister Miller said .
“ It ’ s about restoring normalcy and respecting the rule of law.
” “ Obviously , it ’ s only specific laws against blocking infrastructure we ’ re talking about respecting .
Canadian Human Rights Tribunal orders requiring that we provide compensation for discriminating against First Nation children on reserves are totally different , we don ’ t have to respect those .
Those we can fight tooth and nail.
” In light of the recent protests , the Trudeau government has shifted its goals when it comes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Indigenous peoples from “ truth and reconciliation ” to “ whatever ’ s most convenient for the economy and maybe we pick up the tab for one round of non-craft beer after we ’ ve allowed police to use the continuing threat of violent enforcement action to smash all dissent.
” “ There is no more important relationship to me than the one with Indigenous peoples , ” Prime Minister Trudeau stated today .
“ Except , of course , for the relationships the government has with private industry , which obviously take @ @ @ @ @ @ @ peoples is way up there .
Top hundred , at least.
“ At press time , Trudeau reiterated how deeply concerned he was about the protests and anger rippling throughout Canada this week , just not concerned enough to come back from his overseas trip .

OTTAWA – As an olive branch from the Trudeau government to the Indigenous groups showing solidarity with the Wet’suwet’en hereditary chiefs by blocking some of Canada’s busiest railways, Indigenous Services Minister Marc Miller has offered to buy them a round after all of them are arrested.
“In return for what we believe is a very generous offer of beer and my camaraderie, we do expect all of the barricades to immediately come down. I don’t think any of us will be able to enjoy a refreshing alcoholic beverage while the protests continue,” Minister Miller said. “It’s about restoring normalcy and respecting the rule of law.”
“Obviously, it’s only specific laws against blocking infrastructure we’re talking about respecting. Canadian Human Rights Tribunal orders requiring that we provide compensation for discriminating against First Nation children on reserves are totally different, we don’t have to respect those. Those we can fight tooth and nail.”
In light of the recent protests, the Trudeau government has shifted its goals when it comes to its relationship with Canada’s Indigenous peoples from “truth and reconciliation” to “whatever’s most convenient for the economy and maybe we pick up the tab for one round of non-craft beer after we’ve allowed police to use the continuing threat of violent enforcement action to smash all dissent.”
“There is no more important relationship to me than the one with Indigenous peoples,” Prime Minister Trudeau stated today. “Except, of course, for the relationships the government has with private industry, which obviously take precedence. But my relationship with Indigenous peoples is way up there. Top hundred, at least.“
At press time, Trudeau reiterated how deeply concerned he was about the protests and anger rippling throughout Canada this week, just not concerned enough to come back from his overseas trip.


thebeaverton--2020-02-14--Tax-cheating drunk driver furious about protesters not respecting the rule of law

VANCOUVER – Walter Cline , a man who knowingly cheats on his taxes every single year and drives drunk several times a month , thinks it ’ s just disgusting that some people have broken the law during protests to support the Wet ’ suwet ’ en stand against a natural gas pipeline .
“ If people don ’ t follow the rules , we aren ’ t safe in our own streets , ” Cline recently posted on Facebook while driving past one of the protests on his way home from a bar .
“ We are a nation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t stand to see so many people blatantly disregard them , ” Cline insisted , narrowly missing a pedestrian in his zeal to find the scales of justice emoji to conclude his post while continuing to honk furiously at the protesters he ’ d passed over five minutes earlier .
Cline , who has defrauded the government of tens of thousands of dollars in tax revenue by intentionally lying on his tax forms for the last two decades , strongly believes that the protesters blocking streets , bridges and railways should be arrested @ @ @ @ @ @ @ charge law enforcement can level at them .
“ Theeze people don ’ t undershtand pershonable reshponshibility and what they owe to shociety , ” Cline slurred as he finally arrived home after miraculously not crashing his obnoxiously large , carbon intensive SUV which he would not have been able to afford if he consistently paid the government all of the taxes he owes .
“ We can ’ t let theeze people think therez no conshequences to… uh… what they done.
” “ STHROW THE BOOK AT THEM !
THEY HAVE NO @ @ @ @ @ @ @ air , waking several of his neighbours before his embarrassed wife appeared to lead him safely inside .
At press time , Cline was graphically threatening the lives of several people who disagreed with him online .

VANCOUVER – Walter Cline, a man who knowingly cheats on his taxes every single year and drives drunk several times a month, thinks it’s just disgusting that some people have broken the law during protests to support the Wet’suwet’en stand against a natural gas pipeline.
“If people don’t follow the rules, we aren’t safe in our own streets,” Cline recently posted on Facebook while driving past one of the protests on his way home from a bar. “We are a nation of laws, and I can’t stand to see so many people blatantly disregard them,” Cline insisted, narrowly missing a pedestrian in his zeal to find the scales of justice emoji to conclude his post while continuing to honk furiously at the protesters he’d passed over five minutes earlier.
Cline, who has defrauded the government of tens of thousands of dollars in tax revenue by intentionally lying on his tax forms for the last two decades, strongly believes that the protesters blocking streets, bridges and railways should be arrested with maximum force and face every possible charge law enforcement can level at them.
“Theeze people don’t undershtand pershonable reshponshibility and what they owe to shociety,” Cline slurred as he finally arrived home after miraculously not crashing his obnoxiously large, carbon intensive SUV which he would not have been able to afford if he consistently paid the government all of the taxes he owes. “We can’t let theeze people think therez no conshequences to… uh… what they done.”
“STHROW THE BOOK AT THEM! THEY HAVE NO RESHPRECT!” Cline screamed into the air, waking several of his neighbours before his embarrassed wife appeared to lead him safely inside.
At press time, Cline was graphically threatening the lives of several people who disagreed with him online.


thebeaverton--2020-02-14--Algorithm scrambles to get woman perfect, last-minute Valentine’s Day gift

TORONTO – A series of preset coded instructions attune to the online habits of Sara Ketema rushed to present a perfect Valentine ’ s Day gift to its monitored host , though many experts argue it may be too late .
“ I know that I ’ ve been meticulously following every one of Sara ’ s clicks for the past 8 years , but I really struggled this year with the information she ’ s given me , ” sighed the weary algorithm .
“ What do I make of the fact that she ’ s looked up ‘ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sitting down , ’ and ‘ edible legal Canada ’ all within the last 5 minutes ?
!
” “ I ’ ve been offering her cookies on every website she ’ s visited today , but that doesn ’ t seem to be helping my cause.
” When pressed for reasons as to why the algorithm left Sarah ’ s gift to the last minute , the code explained : “ Work has been hectic !
I guess I ’ ve become too busy selling Sara ’ s data to larger corporations @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her in the first place : her love of browsing e-commerce sites until 4 am.
” “ Last year I really messed up , ” the algorithm went on .
“ After she had purchased a memory-foam pillow for herself , I naturally suggested she purchase 12 more slightly different variations of the same pillow .
To say that did not go over well with the missus is quite the understatement… ” “ I naturally expect my partner not to understand the many complexities and contradictions of my soul , ” weeped a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that observes me ?
That ’ s an unspeakable betrayal .
I get that Valentine ’ s Day is a capitalist ploy , which is what makes it a really special day for me and the algorithm that ‘ allegedly ’ knows me !
” As a last ditch attempt to win over Ketema , the algorithm suggested a universally vague and inoffensive gift to its user : a large three-wick candle , with free shipping .

TORONTO – A series of preset coded instructions attune to the online habits of Sara Ketema rushed to present a perfect Valentine’s Day gift to its monitored host, though many experts argue it may be too late.
“I know that I’ve been meticulously following every one of Sara’s clicks for the past 8 years, but I really struggled this year with the information she’s given me,” sighed the weary algorithm. “What do I make of the fact that she’s looked up ‘back posture corrector,’ ‘pigeons sitting down,’ and ‘edible legal Canada’ all within the last 5 minutes?!”
“I’ve been offering her cookies on every website she’s visited today, but that doesn’t seem to be helping my cause.”
When pressed for reasons as to why the algorithm left Sarah’s gift to the last minute, the code explained: “Work has been hectic! I guess I’ve become too busy selling Sara’s data to larger corporations that I forgot what drew me to her in the first place: her love of browsing e-commerce sites until 4 am.”
“Last year I really messed up,” the algorithm went on. “After she had purchased a memory-foam pillow for herself, I naturally suggested she purchase 12 more slightly different variations of the same pillow. To say that did not go over well with the missus is quite the understatement…”
“I naturally expect my partner not to understand the many complexities and contradictions of my soul,” weeped a heart-broken Ketema. “But the AI that observes me? That’s an unspeakable betrayal. I get that Valentine’s Day is a capitalist ploy, which is what makes it a really special day for me and the algorithm that ‘allegedly’ knows me!”
As a last ditch attempt to win over Ketema, the algorithm suggested a universally vague and inoffensive gift to its user: a large three-wick candle, with free shipping.


thebeaverton--2020-02-14--Local woman celebrates Valentine’s Day by refusing to speak to any man dead or alive

Niagara , ON – Today 29-year-old Marcia Fitzgibbons discovered a novel approach to celebrating Valentine ’ s Day while single : completely icing out every last man on this godforsaken earth , and in hell beneath it .
“ We all love the fancy dinners , the chocolate , the pithy card he bought in a panic from Shoppers 10 minutes before meeting up with you , ” Fitzgibbons says .
“ But you know what ’ s better than a hot date ?
Being left the fuck alone for a few hours.
” Fitzgibbons has spent the day successfully @ @ @ @ @ @ @ uses an integrated wearable defence system consisting of noise cancelling headphones , a hoodie with the hood up , and that totally chic dark grey liquid lipstick that her sister once told her made her look “ unapproachable.
” “ If none of that works , ” Fitzgibbons added , “ they get the murder stare .
Works like a charm.
” The results are undeniably impressive .
Not once has she been interrupted by that guy in payroll who “ has big ideas for a startup.
” The barista who routinely tells @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more ” fearfully served her the best coffee of her life .
And most impressively , Fitzgibbons claims she ’ s experienced a first for all womankind : an Uber ride where the driver didn ’ t try to hit on her even once .
But is there loneliness in solitude , especially on the most romantic day of the year ?
“ Oh HELL no , ” Fitzgibbons responded .
“ I love being single .
You know what I did today instead of listening to an unprompted 45-minute rant about how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ started writing my novel .
And instead of agonizing over how to politely tell my latest hookup he doesn ’ t wash his dick properly , I blasted through 14 mandarin classes on Duolingo .
I reckon one day of ignoring men ’ s bullshit will save me so much money on future therapy that I ’ ll finally be able to afford that tour of China I ’ ve been dying to do .
Honestly , I wish every day was Valentine ’ s Day.
” Fitzgibbons ’ s most recent exes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ were all either in prison for corporate racketeering , pursuing a career as a “ vagabond DJ , ” or spending the holiday with their secret families in Miami .

Niagara, ON – Today 29-year-old Marcia Fitzgibbons discovered a novel approach to celebrating Valentine’s Day while single: completely icing out every last man on this godforsaken earth, and in hell beneath it.
“We all love the fancy dinners, the chocolate, the pithy card he bought in a panic from Shoppers 10 minutes before meeting up with you,” Fitzgibbons says. “But you know what’s better than a hot date? Being left the fuck alone for a few hours.”
Fitzgibbons has spent the day successfully ignoring men of all stripes. She uses an integrated wearable defence system consisting of noise cancelling headphones, a hoodie with the hood up, and that totally chic dark grey liquid lipstick that her sister once told her made her look “unapproachable.”
“If none of that works,” Fitzgibbons added, “they get the murder stare. Works like a charm.”
The results are undeniably impressive. Not once has she been interrupted by that guy in payroll who “has big ideas for a startup.” The barista who routinely tells her to “use that beautiful smile more” fearfully served her the best coffee of her life. And most impressively, Fitzgibbons claims she’s experienced a first for all womankind: an Uber ride where the driver didn’t try to hit on her even once.
But is there loneliness in solitude, especially on the most romantic day of the year?
“Oh HELL no,” Fitzgibbons responded. “I love being single. You know what I did today instead of listening to an unprompted 45-minute rant about how Joker deserved every Oscar? I finally started writing my novel. And instead of agonizing over how to politely tell my latest hookup he doesn’t wash his dick properly, I blasted through 14 mandarin classes on Duolingo. I reckon one day of ignoring men’s bullshit will save me so much money on future therapy that I’ll finally be able to afford that tour of China I’ve been dying to do. Honestly, I wish every day was Valentine’s Day.”
Fitzgibbons’s most recent exes were unavailable for comment, as they were all either in prison for corporate racketeering, pursuing a career as a “vagabond DJ,” or spending the holiday with their secret families in Miami.


thebeaverton--2020-02-16--Trudeau: We must acknowledge the sacred sovereignty of Canada’s oil and gas companies

OTTAWA – Calling for calm amid protests over the construction of a pipeline through Wet ’ suwet ’ en territory , Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is reminding Canadians of the sacred and ancient rights of the land to oil and gas companies .
“ I know there are many Indigenous and environmental groups who are upset by an LNG pipeline being constructed through unceded territory , ” said Trudeau at a press conference .
“ However , we have already ceded that land to Coastal Gaslink Nation.
” For tens of years , these corporations have held exclusive jurisdiction over @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and consent whenever land is set aside for preservation , said Trudeau .
“ These industries have constitutionally protected rights whether it ’ s building a pipeline where they feel like it or abandoning thousands of oil wells leaving the clean up costs to governments , ” added Trudeau .
“ These are the traditional fracking and mineral extraction grounds that must be protected from those who want to protect it , ” explained BC Premier John Horgan .
“ We have honoured our commitment to improving the lives of LNG corporations by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Meanwhile , outgoing Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer was condemning First Nations and environmentalists claiming activists are using ‘ microaggressions ’ towards oil and gas executives .

OTTAWA – Calling for calm amid protests over the construction of a pipeline through Wet’suwet’en territory, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is reminding Canadians of the sacred and ancient rights of the land to oil and gas companies.
“I know there are many Indigenous and environmental groups who are upset by an LNG pipeline being constructed through unceded territory,” said Trudeau at a press conference. “However, we have already ceded that land to Coastal Gaslink Nation.”
For tens of years, these corporations have held exclusive jurisdiction over any territory deemed profitable and require consultation and consent whenever land is set aside for preservation, said Trudeau.
“These industries have constitutionally protected rights whether it’s building a pipeline where they feel like it or abandoning thousands of oil wells leaving the clean up costs to governments,” added Trudeau.
BC Premier John Horgan echoed Trudeau’s sentiments.
“These are the traditional fracking and mineral extraction grounds that must be protected from those who want to protect it,” explained BC Premier John Horgan. “We have honoured our commitment to improving the lives of LNG corporations by exempting them from our provincial carbon tax.”
Meanwhile, outgoing Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer was condemning First Nations and environmentalists claiming activists are using ‘microaggressions’ towards oil and gas executives.


thebeaverton--2020-02-15--Trump announces book about impeachment process titled, “If I Did Those 240 Things”

WASHINGTON D.C. — In the tradition of OJ Simpson ’ s tell-all book “ If I Did It , ” Donald Trump recently announced he will release a memoir detailing his impeachment process titled , “ If I Did Those 240 things.
” After finding himself impeached by the democrat-led House of Representatives , but acquitted by the Republican-led Senate , Trump announced the book this week during a two hour long impromptu call-in interview with Fox and Friends .
A representative from Trump ’ s publisher clarified .
“ We want to be clear that the situations in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Daniel Beacon .
“ Much like O.J .
maintained his innocence but allowed himself to muse on the possibility of what it would look like if a former running back had murdered two people on a Los Angeles night , so too is Trump musing on what it would look like if he actually was the most corrupt , criminal president in the history of the United States.
” The book starts with a bang , with an opening chapter , titled , “ I would never collude with the Russians , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ use Facebook and then blame that nerd Zuckerberg.
” He goes on to explain that there are a million reasons to withhold military aid from Ukraine , clarifying that even if he did do it for corrupt reasons , he “ also just doesn ’ t like Ukraine.
” Other chapters include , “ Subpoenaed documents : can ’ t find ‘ em if you don ’ t look for ‘ em , ” “ Sexual assault ain ’ t assault if you feel comfortable enough to brag about it , ” and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Asked whether publishing the book immediately following his impeachment hearings might negatively affect his approval ratings , Trump representative Charles Garley was confident it would not .
“ I mean , if he hasn ’ t been impeached for those 240 things yet , the system is broken and we ’ re seeing a nightmare vision of a future where the oligarchy openly admits that democracy is a lie .
Which is actually the title of Trump ’ s next book.
” Following the announcement of Trump ’ s “ If I Did @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Democratic Congressman Adam Schiff has spent the last several days repeatedly punching holes into his office wall .
At press time , Trump was at an impeachment hearing while playing a mobile phone version of Bejeweled while occasionally looking up and shouting “ Fake law !
” while his wife Melania tapped out morse code spelling the words , “ Help me .
”

WASHINGTON D.C. — In the tradition of OJ Simpson’s tell-all book “If I Did It,” Donald Trump recently announced he will release a memoir detailing his impeachment process titled, “If I Did Those 240 things.”
After finding himself impeached by the democrat-led House of Representatives, but acquitted by the Republican-led Senate, Trump announced the book this week during a two hour long impromptu call-in interview with Fox and Friends.
A representative from Trump’s publisher clarified. “We want to be clear that the situations in the book are hypothetical,” stated publisher Daniel Beacon. “Much like O.J. maintained his innocence but allowed himself to muse on the possibility of what it would look like if a former running back had murdered two people on a Los Angeles night, so too is Trump musing on what it would look like if he actually was the most corrupt, criminal president in the history of the United States.”
The book starts with a bang, with an opening chapter, titled, “I would never collude with the Russians, but if I did, I’d use Facebook and then blame that nerd Zuckerberg.” He goes on to explain that there are a million reasons to withhold military aid from Ukraine, clarifying that even if he did do it for corrupt reasons, he “also just doesn’t like Ukraine.”
Other chapters include, “Subpoenaed documents: can’t find ‘em if you don’t look for ‘em,” “Sexual assault ain’t assault if you feel comfortable enough to brag about it,” and “Quid pro so what?”
Asked whether publishing the book immediately following his impeachment hearings might negatively affect his approval ratings, Trump representative Charles Garley was confident it would not. “I mean, if he hasn’t been impeached for those 240 things yet, the system is broken and we’re seeing a nightmare vision of a future where the oligarchy openly admits that democracy is a lie. Which is actually the title of Trump’s next book.”
Following the announcement of Trump’s “If I Did It” book, sources report that Democratic Congressman Adam Schiff has spent the last several days repeatedly punching holes into his office wall.
At press time, Trump was at an impeachment hearing while playing a mobile phone version of Bejeweled while occasionally looking up and shouting “Fake law!” while his wife Melania tapped out morse code spelling the words, “Help me.”


thebeaverton--2020-02-15--Local child realizes Dad unable to beat up any other dads

WINDSOR , ON – Local 4th grader Tommy Watson has come to realize that , despite his previous boasting , his father James is the weakest dad in town and would stand little chance in confrontation with anyone else ’ s dad .
“ I guess I should ’ ve clued in when he went to tie his shoelace and popped his knee , ” the 10-year-old Watson admitted .
“ I mean , I knew he wasn ’ t going to beat Devon ’ s dad anytime soon , but I was hoping he could at least take Sean @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Surprisingly , the 34-year-old James is fully aware of his ineffectualness as a brawler , and has long anticipated the day he would be exposed .
“ I guess every boy finds out eventually that his dad isn ’ t Superman .
Or Clark Kent .
Or even Perry White , Kent ’ s elderly editor , ” said James , struggling to open a jar of mayonnaise .
“ I guess I ’ ll have to try to teach him that real men solve their problems with words , not violence @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my word for it.
” This recent realization has led to adjustments for both father and son .
James has started booking fights against area great-grandfathers until he ’ s earned enough credit to get back on the circuit , while Tommy has now begun bragging that his dad knows more about WWII than any of his peer ’ s fathers .
Fortunately things may be turning around for Watson , as his stepfather Steve has already won a lifetime ban from any of his basketball games .
Watson is expected to begin @ @ @ @ @ @ @ while regulating James to secondary paternal duties like “ keeping a roof over his head ” and “ limited emotional support ” .
At press time , James remains confident that Tommy could easily defeat any of his co-workers ’ children in a fight .

WINDSOR, ON – Local 4th grader Tommy Watson has come to realize that, despite his previous boasting, his father James is the weakest dad in town and would stand little chance in confrontation with anyone else’s dad.
“I guess I should’ve clued in when he went to tie his shoelace and popped his knee,” the 10-year-old Watson admitted. “I mean, I knew he wasn’t going to beat Devon’s dad anytime soon, but I was hoping he could at least take Sean’s dad with his skiing injury”
Surprisingly, the 34-year-old James is fully aware of his ineffectualness as a brawler, and has long anticipated the day he would be exposed. “I guess every boy finds out eventually that his dad isn’t Superman. Or Clark Kent. Or even Perry White, Kent’s elderly editor,” said James, struggling to open a jar of mayonnaise. “I guess I’ll have to try to teach him that real men solve their problems with words, not violence. Not that he’ll take my word for it.”
“Nor should he, frankly.”
This recent realization has led to adjustments for both father and son. James has started booking fights against area great-grandfathers until he’s earned enough credit to get back on the circuit, while Tommy has now begun bragging that his dad knows more about WWII than any of his peer’s fathers.
Fortunately things may be turning around for Watson, as his stepfather Steve has already won a lifetime ban from any of his basketball games. Watson is expected to begin using Steve as his primary male influence while regulating James to secondary paternal duties like “keeping a roof over his head” and “limited emotional support”.
At press time, James remains confident that Tommy could easily defeat any of his co-workers’ children in a fight.