thebeaverton--2020-09-14--Tories counter basic income with basic billions for CEOs

OTTAWA – Responding to speculation that the Liberal government will propose universal basic income in the upcoming Speech from the Throne , the Conservative Party is countering with its current policy of basic billions for CEOs .
“ Justin Trudeau ’ s Liberals want to give hard-earned tax dollars to low-income Canadians just because they ’ re struggling in poverty , ” said Conservative Finance Critic Pierre Poilievre .
“ There are needy CEOs out there who are barely breaking a million in bonuses per year and not much in stocks.
” “ Others have several wives and mistresses they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s also a gender issue , ” added Poilievre .
The social policy ensures a minimum standard of living for CEOs and their executive families to ensure they ’ re making a minimum of $ 1 billion in tax cuts and subsidies .
“ Canada only has 41 billionaires , a far cry from the United States , which has over 600 , ” explained Poilievre citing a groundbreaking Fraser Institute Report titled I ’ m Rich : Gim me , Gim me , Gim me .
“ And poor Canadians will eventually @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s family.
” Jobs in ferrari polishing and taking SAT tests for billionaires ’ children will be in high demand making basic income unnecessary , say the Tories .
According to sources , the Conservatives are also proposing on giving every unemployed Canadian a motivational kick in the crotch .

OTTAWA – Responding to speculation that the Liberal government will propose universal basic income in the upcoming Speech from the Throne, the Conservative Party is countering with its current policy of basic billions for CEOs.
“Justin Trudeau’s Liberals want to give hard-earned tax dollars to low-income Canadians just because they’re struggling in poverty,” said Conservative Finance Critic Pierre Poilievre. “There are needy CEOs out there who are barely breaking a million in bonuses per year and not much in stocks.”
“Others have several wives and mistresses they need to support, so it’s also a gender issue,” added Poilievre.
The social policy ensures a minimum standard of living for CEOs and their executive families to ensure they’re making a minimum of $1 billion in tax cuts and subsidies.
“Canada only has 41 billionaires, a far cry from the United States, which has over 600,” explained Poilievre citing a groundbreaking Fraser Institute Report titled I’m Rich: Gimme, Gimme, Gimme. “And poor Canadians will eventually receive support by marrying into a billionaire’s family.”
Jobs in ferrari polishing and taking SAT tests for billionaires’ children will be in high demand making basic income unnecessary, say the Tories.
According to sources, the Conservatives are also proposing on giving every unemployed Canadian a motivational kick in the crotch.


thebeaverton--2020-09-14--Local Becky levels-up, achieves final Karen form

THORNHILL , ON – After years of training and countless displays of wrath , a local woman levelled up from her previous iteration as a common Becky and finally achieved her true form : that of a gruesome , deadly Karen .
“ I was actually born Rebecca O ’ Neill but one day I went in for a haircut that the stylist cut a bit too short , and ever since then everyone in my life began referring to me as Karen O ’ Neill , or ‘ Ma ’ am , please calm down , ’ ” said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on her kitchen table .
“ It ’ s like that Jennifer Garner movie 13 Going on 30 , except one day I was 27 , and now I ’ m 44 and screaming into a cell phone because I saw a Black man going into his own house.
” While experts admit that the mononyn may sound innocuous enough , many warn that once in their final evolution , Karens are able to enact a level of violence so brutal and intense that you ’ d have to be a white woman @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It started innocently enough , I began requesting to see the manager after I wasn ’ t allowed to make a return because I didn ’ t have the receipt , ” huffed O ’ Neill pushing up her sunglasses .
“ But then I began routinely calling the cops whenever I noticed Black people enjoying themselves in public.
” The newly formed Karen O ’ Neill is just one of thousands rampaging through suburbs selling Mary Kay cosmetics , posting their anti-vaxx beliefs online , and demanding to see the permits of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
When pressed for comment about whether or not she will level-up again , O ’ Neill pushed up her leather tote and screamed that she felt threatened and “ would not be spoken to in that tone of voice .
”

THORNHILL, ON – After years of training and countless displays of wrath, a local woman levelled up from her previous iteration as a common Becky and finally achieved her true form: that of a gruesome, deadly Karen.
“I was actually born Rebecca O’Neill but one day I went in for a haircut that the stylist cut a bit too short, and ever since then everyone in my life began referring to me as Karen O’Neill, or ‘Ma’am, please calm down,’” said the annoyed woman tapping her acrylic nails on her kitchen table.
“It’s like that Jennifer Garner movie 13 Going on 30, except one day I was 27, and now I’m 44 and screaming into a cell phone because I saw a Black man going into his own house.”
While experts admit that the mononyn may sound innocuous enough, many warn that once in their final evolution, Karens are able to enact a level of violence so brutal and intense that you’d have to be a white woman in order to escape reprimand.
“It started innocently enough, I began requesting to see the manager after I wasn’t allowed to make a return because I didn’t have the receipt,” huffed O’Neill pushing up her sunglasses. “But then I began routinely calling the cops whenever I noticed Black people enjoying themselves in public.”
The newly formed Karen O’Neill is just one of thousands rampaging through suburbs selling Mary Kay cosmetics, posting their anti-vaxx beliefs online, and demanding to see the permits of children hosting lemonade stands on the sidewalk.
When pressed for comment about whether or not she will level-up again, O’Neill pushed up her leather tote and screamed that she felt threatened and “would not be spoken to in that tone of voice.”


thebeaverton--2020-09-17--Retired thief concerned window is closing for one last heist

LAS VEGAS – After quietly retiring five years ago , Doug “ Quick-Fingers ” Malone , a once-renowned thief known for being a part of numerous infamous robberies and heists , is beginning to worry that his window of opportunity to be called in for one last job is quickly closing .
“ Every other retired getaway driver , thief , and mastermind I know has always been brought back for what people in my industry call ‘ The Big One , ’ ” he complained , one eye on the phone on his kitchen table as if expecting it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ You know , the job to end all jobs : a diamond heist , a casino robbery , a Swiss Vault snatch-and-grab .
But my old teams aren ’ t calling , and I ’ m starting to feel my age , if you know what I mean.
” “ How am I supposed to lower myself from museum roofs if sneezing makes me throw my back out ?
” he went on .
“ Hell , I ’ m pretty sure the noises my knees make every time I stand up would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the Louvre.
” Malone ’ s wife Cynthia was sympathetic to her husband ’ s plight , but expressed relief that his time might truly be up .
“ I can tell that poor Dougie misses his old life , ” she said sadly , watching him polishing his lockpicking tools in the garage for the fifth time that week .
“ But I worry if his old gang asked him to break into a billionaire ’ s guarded mansion in Costa Rica again , the heat might trigger his arthritis .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ d love for him to split a few extra million with a charmingly rag-tag group of reasonably diverse criminals , but I ’ d just hate for all the excitement to aggravate his heart murmur.
” Frank Deringer , a demolitions expert and old associate of Malone , said that the retired thief had contacted him last week to ask if there were any little heists he could do , “ a dognapping or convenience store robbery , literally anything vaguely illegal.
” “ I lied and told him that I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Deringer said , examining a complicated blueprint of a bank vault .
“ But our old gang is actually heading out to New York next week to rob the Federal Reserve .
Doug just wasn ’ t invited because the last time we asked him to join us , he complained about being tired the whole job and was constantly on the lookout… for the nearest bathroom.
” At press time , Robert Spall , a cop who has spent his entire life chasing Malone , stated that he was also rooting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ last job so he could catch him before getting “ too old for this shit .
”

LAS VEGAS – After quietly retiring five years ago, Doug “Quick-Fingers” Malone, a once-renowned thief known for being a part of numerous infamous robberies and heists, is beginning to worry that his window of opportunity to be called in for one last job is quickly closing.
“Every other retired getaway driver, thief, and mastermind I know has always been brought back for what people in my industry call ‘The Big One,’” he complained, one eye on the phone on his kitchen table as if expecting it to ring at any moment. “You know, the job to end all jobs: a diamond heist, a casino robbery, a Swiss Vault snatch-and-grab. But my old teams aren’t calling, and I’m starting to feel my age, if you know what I mean.”
“How am I supposed to lower myself from museum roofs if sneezing makes me throw my back out?” he went on. “Hell, I’m pretty sure the noises my knees make every time I stand up would be enough to alert every security guard in the Louvre.”
Malone’s wife Cynthia was sympathetic to her husband’s plight, but expressed relief that his time might truly be up.
“I can tell that poor Dougie misses his old life,” she said sadly, watching him polishing his lockpicking tools in the garage for the fifth time that week. “But I worry if his old gang asked him to break into a billionaire’s guarded mansion in Costa Rica again, the heat might trigger his arthritis. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love for him to split a few extra million with a charmingly rag-tag group of reasonably diverse criminals, but I’d just hate for all the excitement to aggravate his heart murmur.”
Frank Deringer, a demolitions expert and old associate of Malone, said that the retired thief had contacted him last week to ask if there were any little heists he could do, “a dognapping or convenience store robbery, literally anything vaguely illegal.”
“I lied and told him that I hadn’t heard of anything,” Deringer said, examining a complicated blueprint of a bank vault. “But our old gang is actually heading out to New York next week to rob the Federal Reserve. Doug just wasn’t invited because the last time we asked him to join us, he complained about being tired the whole job and was constantly on the lookout… for the nearest bathroom.”
At press time, Robert Spall, a cop who has spent his entire life chasing Malone, stated that he was also rooting for the thief to pick up one last job so he could catch him before getting “too old for this shit.”


thebeaverton--2020-09-17--Leaked documents reveal Trump met with West Coast wildfire in early July

Washington , D.C. – Recently leaked documents from the White House reveal President Donald Trump had a secret meeting with the deadly wildfires currently burning across the west coast of North America .
While the documents do not include all the meeting details , they do show that after some small talk , the President asked what the wildfire ’ s plans were for the summer .
The President then stated , “ the West Coast is beautiful this time of year.
” Trump then reportedly talked about how many forests surrounded the Liberal city of San Francisco , home @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the end of the meeting he thanked the wildfire for coming and said he was sure his fall ratings were going to be huge .
When asked about the meeting at a press conference , White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany was quick to defend the President stating he had never said he didn ’ t meet with the deadly wildfires , and added that Democrats plan of not talking with natural disasters like fires and tornadoes has “ produced nothing but failure ” for years .
After the conference , President Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fires .
“ Honestly they ’ re not such a bad fire .
The way the fire just grabs people without consent is the type of leadership I find inspiring .
I wish them well.
” Leaked documents further reveal that Trump is now seeking a meeting with Hurricane Sally as , “ Any woman that is getting this much attention must be super hot .
”

Washington, D.C. – Recently leaked documents from the White House reveal President Donald Trump had a secret meeting with the deadly wildfires currently burning across the west coast of North America.
While the documents do not include all the meeting details, they do show that after some small talk, the President asked what the wildfire’s plans were for the summer. The President then stated, “the West Coast is beautiful this time of year.”
Trump then reportedly talked about how many forests surrounded the Liberal city of San Francisco, home to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. At the end of the meeting he thanked the wildfire for coming and said he was sure his fall ratings were going to be huge.
When asked about the meeting at a press conference, White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany was quick to defend the President stating he had never said he didn’t meet with the deadly wildfires, and added that Democrats plan of not talking with natural disasters like fires and tornadoes has “produced nothing but failure” for years.
After the conference, President Trump seemed to change his opinion on the fires. “Honestly they’re not such a bad fire. The way the fire just grabs people without consent is the type of leadership I find inspiring. I wish them well.”
Leaked documents further reveal that Trump is now seeking a meeting with Hurricane Sally as, “Any woman that is getting this much attention must be super hot.”


thebeaverton--2020-09-17--Study: indoor dining significantly increases risk of servers spitting in your food

OTTAWA – Health Canada has released a study indicating that indoor restaurant dining , particularly in high COVID infection areas , substantially increases the likelihood of servers hocking a big fat loogie right in your food .
“ While results are preliminary , ” head researcher Dr. Andrew Prel , “ Our tests conclusively show that customers who choose to eat indoors rather than dine outside or get takeout are at a 57 % higher risk of getting a real drool tsunami up in their business.
” The study examined the impact of a variety of factors , asking the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ forgetting ” to wear a mask to the washroom , and casually mentioning how happy the server must be to be back working in an indoor poorly ventilated area .
“ We had one participant blow on soup and ask the server to try it .
We got a 68 % result on that one , ” Dr. Prel told reporters .
The study found that other behaviours in isolation or in combination may increase the chances of your food getting a good , gooey dribble hoiked into it , including snapping @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , returning to a restaurant after not tipping , and interrupting the list of specials to ask why the washroom is so far away .
“ Our study also found a spectrum of variation in the kinds of drizzle that was gobbed up into participants ’ food , ” Dr. Prel explained .
“ For instance , individuals who got up , unmasked , to walk across the restaurant and grab their server by the arm , were much more likely to get a gentle misting of spittle on a dish such as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , individuals who went on at length about how silly mask requirements are since “ we ’ re all going to have to die anyway someday ” were far more likely to get a colossal glob of phlegm hidden under chocolate sauce at the bottom of a dessert dish.
” Although the study ’ s creators acknowledged that we are all making calculated risks , they urge safer alternatives to working up a mouthful of spit and letting it rip .
These include “ accidentally ” dropping soup in their lap , or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ serving .
“ While we ’ re all making calculated risks , we all have to work together to prevent the spread of this disease , and that should explore safer methods of letting it out than hacking up a real good sploot , as satisfying as that can be .
”

OTTAWA – Health Canada has released a study indicating that indoor restaurant dining, particularly in high COVID infection areas, substantially increases the likelihood of servers hocking a big fat loogie right in your food.
“While results are preliminary,” head researcher Dr. Andrew Prel, “Our tests conclusively show that customers who choose to eat indoors rather than dine outside or get takeout are at a 57% higher risk of getting a real drool tsunami up in their business.”
The study examined the impact of a variety of factors, asking the server to take off their mask, “forgetting” to wear a mask to the washroom, and casually mentioning how happy the server must be to be back working in an indoor poorly ventilated area.
“We had one participant blow on soup and ask the server to try it. We got a 68% result on that one,” Dr. Prel told reporters.
The study found that other behaviours in isolation or in combination may increase the chances of your food getting a good, gooey dribble hoiked into it, including snapping at the server to get their attention, returning to a restaurant after not tipping, and interrupting the list of specials to ask why the washroom is so far away.
“Our study also found a spectrum of variation in the kinds of drizzle that was gobbed up into participants’ food,” Dr. Prel explained. “For instance, individuals who got up, unmasked, to walk across the restaurant and grab their server by the arm, were much more likely to get a gentle misting of spittle on a dish such as an appetizer or a salad. However, individuals who went on at length about how silly mask requirements are since “we’re all going to have to die anyway someday” were far more likely to get a colossal glob of phlegm hidden under chocolate sauce at the bottom of a dessert dish.”
Although the study’s creators acknowledged that we are all making calculated risks, they urge safer alternatives to working up a mouthful of spit and letting it rip. These include “accidentally” dropping soup in their lap, or even just lightly farting on meals before serving.
“While we’re all making calculated risks, we all have to work together to prevent the spread of this disease, and that should explore safer methods of letting it out than hacking up a real good sploot, as satisfying as that can be.”


thebeaverton--2020-09-16--Trump endorsed by Pseudoscientific American Magazine

DALLAS – Following the news that Scientific American has endorsed a presidential candidate for the first time in its 175 year history , its rival publication , Pseudoscientific American , the magazine for people who drink their own urine , has officially thrown its tinfoil hat in the endorsement ring by backing Donald Trump .
“ Donald Trump has the pleasing skull shape of a natural born leader , ” according to Thadeus Morton , the editor-in-chief of Pseudoscientific American , “ and all of the visible genetic markers one would expect from a scion of a pure Occidental bloodline.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Joe Biden focuses primarily on his proposed policies and the negative effects of the current Trump presidency , Pseudoscientific American ’ s endorsement of Trump uses the candidates ’ birth star charts to prove that Biden would not only be a terrible president , but , according to his rising planets , probably died five years ago .
“ Trump is infested with very few body thetans , and is thus immune to the mind control effects of the lizard overlords .
Biden is , if not one of the lizards himself @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , he seems to get along with everyone , ” Morton explains .
The endorsement of Trump isn ’ t entirely positive .
“ One aspect of Trump ’ s presidency that does give us pause is that the installation of 5G towers has greatly increased since 2016 , which as we all know led to the current pandemic .
But we believe they ’ re part of his plan to use the U.S. ’ s naturally occurring ley lines to track and capture all the elite pedophiles preying on children ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going to trust that he knows what he ’ s doing.
” Morton concludes his endorsement by pointing out that the Ouija board he consulted about whether to endorse Trump didn ’ t know what it was talking about and that “ TRUMP WILL DESTROY YOU ALL ” could have many possible interpretations .

DALLAS – Following the news that Scientific American has endorsed a presidential candidate for the first time in its 175 year history, its rival publication, Pseudoscientific American, the magazine for people who drink their own urine, has officially thrown its tinfoil hat in the endorsement ring by backing Donald Trump.
“Donald Trump has the pleasing skull shape of a natural born leader,” according to Thadeus Morton, the editor-in-chief of Pseudoscientific American, “and all of the visible genetic markers one would expect from a scion of a pure Occidental bloodline.”
While Scientific American’s endorsement of Joe Biden focuses primarily on his proposed policies and the negative effects of the current Trump presidency, Pseudoscientific American’s endorsement of Trump uses the candidates’ birth star charts to prove that Biden would not only be a terrible president, but, according to his rising planets, probably died five years ago.
“Trump is infested with very few body thetans, and is thus immune to the mind control effects of the lizard overlords. Biden is, if not one of the lizards himself, likely on good terms with them, he seems to get along with everyone,” Morton explains.
The endorsement of Trump isn’t entirely positive. “One aspect of Trump’s presidency that does give us pause is that the installation of 5G towers has greatly increased since 2016, which as we all know led to the current pandemic. But we believe they’re part of his plan to use the U.S.’s naturally occurring ley lines to track and capture all the elite pedophiles preying on children’s adrenochrome, so we’re just going to trust that he knows what he’s doing.”
Morton concludes his endorsement by pointing out that the Ouija board he consulted about whether to endorse Trump didn’t know what it was talking about and that “TRUMP WILL DESTROY YOU ALL” could have many possible interpretations.


thebeaverton--2020-09-16--Mask-wearing woman rehearses judgmental glare before taking public transit

VANCOUVER — Weeks after a mandatory mask policy was put in place on public transit , 35 year-old Devon McCarthy was fed up with people refusing to comply .
After glaring judgmentally at maskless people on buses and subways yielded minimal results , she quickly discovered that performing practice glares before boarding led to a dramatic increase in mask-wearing .
“ I treat it like an exercise regime , ” she said , pinching her mask tightly over the bridge of her nose and applying hand sanitizer like a gymnast about to perform an Olympic routine .
“ You have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ best reactions .
If I hop on the subway without at least a few practice glares , I get mediocre results at best .
A couple of embarrassed looks here , an uncomfortable shuffle there , but ultimately no one cares.
” “ But if I even get five minutes to really warm up- I ’ m talkin ’ the judgmental eyebrow raises , the ol ’ squinty eyes , the disappointed head shake- then I guarantee you everyone on that bus will feel my wrath and masks will be pulled up faster @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ” One of McCarthy ’ s most recent victims , 54-year-old Roger Bridges , recounted his experience as a warning to others .
“ I had pulled down my mask to answer a phone call from a buddy about our upcoming poker night , ” he said , still shaken from the experience .
“ Big deal , right ?
But then I saw this woman glaring at me from the complete other side of the bus , and it was like being hit by a pissed-off Mac Truck .
The next @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up the phone , pulled my mask up , and made a public apology in front of everyone.
” McCarthy proudly stated that Health Canada had recently called to thank her for her noble service .
“ Patty Hajdu herself told me that I alone had made a bigger impact on flattening the curve than anything else they had tried so far , ” she beamed .
“ They ’ re working on getting me a government job teaching glaring workshops to public service workers.
” At press time , McCarthy had just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ given extra time to warm-up in the form of a bus delay .

VANCOUVER — Weeks after a mandatory mask policy was put in place on public transit, 35 year-old Devon McCarthy was fed up with people refusing to comply. After glaring judgmentally at maskless people on buses and subways yielded minimal results, she quickly discovered that performing practice glares before boarding led to a dramatic increase in mask-wearing.
“I treat it like an exercise regime,” she said, pinching her mask tightly over the bridge of her nose and applying hand sanitizer like a gymnast about to perform an Olympic routine. “You have to warm up first to get the best reactions. If I hop on the subway without at least a few practice glares, I get mediocre results at best. A couple of embarrassed looks here, an uncomfortable shuffle there, but ultimately no one cares.”
“But if I even get five minutes to really warm up- I’m talkin’ the judgmental eyebrow raises, the ol’ squinty eyes, the disappointed head shake- then I guarantee you everyone on that bus will feel my wrath and masks will be pulled up faster than you can say ‘global pandemic.’”
One of McCarthy’s most recent victims, 54-year-old Roger Bridges, recounted his experience as a warning to others.
“I had pulled down my mask to answer a phone call from a buddy about our upcoming poker night,” he said, still shaken from the experience. “Big deal, right? But then I saw this woman glaring at me from the complete other side of the bus, and it was like being hit by a pissed-off Mac Truck. The next thing I knew, I had hung up the phone, pulled my mask up, and made a public apology in front of everyone.”
McCarthy proudly stated that Health Canada had recently called to thank her for her noble service.
“Patty Hajdu herself told me that I alone had made a bigger impact on flattening the curve than anything else they had tried so far,” she beamed. “They’re working on getting me a government job teaching glaring workshops to public service workers.”
At press time, McCarthy had just made two maskless teenagers cry after being given extra time to warm-up in the form of a bus delay.


thebeaverton--2020-09-15--Report: All Samuel Beckett’s plays originally ended with the words “GET IT??????”

PARIS – Leading Beckett scholars have revealed that , before they were published or put on stage , every one of Samuel Beckett ’ s plays would conclude with Beckett writing “ GET IT ?
?
?
?
?
” in big letters on the final page , which Beckett only removed after his longtime partner and agent , Suzanne Decheveaux-Dumesnil , convinced him it did not enhance his plays .
The normally private and reserved playwright , who died in 1989 , is known for writing absurd pieces without a clear meaning or message and became increasingly minimalist in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I originally thought it was necessary , ” explained Beckett in a recently discovered letter to a friend .
“ Because if at the end of the night of theatre , you don ’ t have all the characters turn to the audience and yell ‘ GET IT ?
?
’ , with their eyebrows raised , how is the audience supposed to know whether they should get it or not ?
” A last-minute edit of this kind is common among literary giants .
For example , it was recently @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all his plays with the line “ Buckle up everybody !
This one ’ s a doozy !
” and Tennessee Williams , in the first draft of each of his plays , would have the ‘ bad guy ’ character take off his or her mask and cackle “ Ha ha !
It was me !
” And of course , George Bernard Shaw was notorious for trying to insert a ‘ face-melting guitar solo ’ into his plays , often trying to convince the actors to throw it in right up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ night .
Beckett scholars were not totally surprised by the revelation , since during Beckett ’ s speech accepting the Nobel Prize for Literature he mentioned “ Godot is God ” 87 times .

PARIS – Leading Beckett scholars have revealed that, before they were published or put on stage, every one of Samuel Beckett’s plays would conclude with Beckett writing “GET IT?????” in big letters on the final page, which Beckett only removed after his longtime partner and agent, Suzanne Decheveaux-Dumesnil, convinced him it did not enhance his plays.
The normally private and reserved playwright, who died in 1989, is known for writing absurd pieces without a clear meaning or message and became increasingly minimalist in his writing style as his career progressed.
“I originally thought it was necessary,” explained Beckett in a recently discovered letter to a friend. “Because if at the end of the night of theatre, you don’t have all the characters turn to the audience and yell ‘GET IT??’, with their eyebrows raised, how is the audience supposed to know whether they should get it or not?”
A last-minute edit of this kind is common among literary giants. For example, it was recently discovered that William Shakespeare used to start all his plays with the line “Buckle up everybody! This one’s a doozy!” and Tennessee Williams, in the first draft of each of his plays, would have the ‘bad guy’ character take off his or her mask and cackle “Ha ha! It was me!” And of course, George Bernard Shaw was notorious for trying to insert a ‘face-melting guitar solo’ into his plays, often trying to convince the actors to throw it in right up to when the curtain raised on opening night.
Beckett scholars were not totally surprised by the revelation, since during Beckett’s speech accepting the Nobel Prize for Literature he mentioned “Godot is God” 87 times.


thebeaverton--2020-09-15--Netflix adds Canada filter to American shows by removing scenes where characters wear shoes inside t

Netflix adds Canada filter to American shows by removing scenes where characters wear shoes inside the house

TORONTO – Netflix Canada has announced a bold plan to make American movies and tv shows feel more familiar to Canadian audiences by editing out any scene where characters inexplicably wear their shoes indoors .
“ There aren ’ t many cultural differences between America and English Canada , which is why American programming does so well here , ” said Netflix Canada representative Tina Morton .
“ But if there is one thing all Canadians can agree on , it ’ s complete confusion over why the entire cast is wearing their disgusting shoes inside the goddamn house !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ problem anymore.
” “ Naturally we started with the 90s shoes where the houses are all carpeted .
That ’ s right .
Outdoor shoes .
On carpet !
And they expect us to pay attention to what Uncle Joey just said ?
” Netflix won ’ t reveal much about the technology behind their new filter .
Some think the scenes will simply be removed , while others think a complicated AI will be used to identify shoes inside the house and immediately blur them out in real time .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time I see a character lying on their bed reading a book with their shoes STILL ON I want to vomit .
So I ’ m glad Netflix is making their content more appropriate for an international audience that recognizes what an atrocity this is , ” said Toronto resident Aarushi Patel .
Long term Netflix plans to expand the filter beyond the shoes indoor issue , with plans to impose bags of milk over milk cartons , dubbing the word ‘ hockey ’ in every time a character is talking about football @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who none of the other characters see or interact with , but does a lot of pratfalls and goofs in the corner of the screen .
“ It ’ s either this or try to get Canadians to watch shows actually made in Canada .
And we all know that ’ s not gon na happen , ” said Morton .

TORONTO – Netflix Canada has announced a bold plan to make American movies and tv shows feel more familiar to Canadian audiences by editing out any scene where characters inexplicably wear their shoes indoors.
“There aren’t many cultural differences between America and English Canada, which is why American programming does so well here,” said Netflix Canada representative Tina Morton. “But if there is one thing all Canadians can agree on, it’s complete confusion over why the entire cast is wearing their disgusting shoes inside the goddamn house! Fortunately that won’t be a problem anymore.”
“Naturally we started with the 90s shoes where the houses are all carpeted. That’s right. Outdoor shoes. On carpet! And they expect us to pay attention to what Uncle Joey just said?”
Netflix won’t reveal much about the technology behind their new filter. Some think the scenes will simply be removed, while others think a complicated AI will be used to identify shoes inside the house and immediately blur them out in real time.
“I love binge watching shows, but every time I see a character lying on their bed reading a book with their shoes STILL ON I want to vomit. So I’m glad Netflix is making their content more appropriate for an international audience that recognizes what an atrocity this is,” said Toronto resident Aarushi Patel.
Long term Netflix plans to expand the filter beyond the shoes indoor issue, with plans to impose bags of milk over milk cartons, dubbing the word ‘hockey’ in every time a character is talking about football and adding a wacky french canadian character who none of the other characters see or interact with, but does a lot of pratfalls and goofs in the corner of the screen.
“It’s either this or try to get Canadians to watch shows actually made in Canada. And we all know that’s not gonna happen,” said Morton.


thebeaverton--2020-09-15--Local teacher’s health lesson plan just letting class go home

VAUGHN , ON – With schools resuming classes despite the ongoing pandemic , high school teacher Erin Jorna has decided the most logical plan she can have for health class is to dismiss her students early .
“ It just seems kind of hard to try to teach the kids how to be healthy while also asking them to ignore the biggest health crisis of their lives , ” Jorna said while finally catching up on marking tests with her new free period .
“ It ’ s really not all that different from when I let the kids go @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time it ’ s due to safety concerns instead of not having any curriculum left to teach.
” Jorna also added that she believes her new teaching strategy to be more effective than the government ’ s current curriculum .
“ The only sex education I ’ m allowed to discuss is the importance of abstinence , and I have to dedicate a whole class on why they shouldn ’ t lick each other .
Honestly , it would be safer to not teach about deodorant at this point , so the kids @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Many in the student population reported being pleasantly surprised by the change in the schedule .
“ I didn ’ t believe it when I first heard , but man am I relieved , ” exclaimed 9th grader Brandon Reed .
“ I feel a lot safer now that I only have eight classes filled with 200 other kids , instead of nine.
” At press time , Jorna ’ s students were setting record numbers for lowest number of COVID cases but also for most cases of STDs .

VAUGHN, ON – With schools resuming classes despite the ongoing pandemic, high school teacher Erin Jorna has decided the most logical plan she can have for health class is to dismiss her students early.
“It just seems kind of hard to try to teach the kids how to be healthy while also asking them to ignore the biggest health crisis of their lives,” Jorna said while finally catching up on marking tests with her new free period. “It’s really not all that different from when I let the kids go home early last year, only this time it’s due to safety concerns instead of not having any curriculum left to teach.”
Jorna also added that she believes her new teaching strategy to be more effective than the government’s current curriculum. “The only sex education I’m allowed to discuss is the importance of abstinence, and I have to dedicate a whole class on why they shouldn’t lick each other. Honestly, it would be safer to not teach about deodorant at this point, so the kids are more likely to stay far apart.”
Many in the student population reported being pleasantly surprised by the change in the schedule. “I didn’t believe it when I first heard, but man am I relieved,” exclaimed 9th grader Brandon Reed. “I feel a lot safer now that I only have eight classes filled with 200 other kids, instead of nine.”
At press time, Jorna’s students were setting record numbers for lowest number of COVID cases but also for most cases of STDs.


thebeaverton--2020-09-15--MEC reassures customers they’ll still charge $800 per sleeping bag

VANCOUVER – Leadership at the Mountain Equipment Co-op have reassured members that , despite being sold to a US investment firm , they will still charge $ 800 for a sleeping bag you ’ ll never use again .
The iconic Canadian brand will remain loyal to the organization ’ s more recent core values of charging an inordinate amount on aesthetically pleasing and very fashionable outdoor gear .
“ Our customers will receive the same authentic advice that always tells you to buy the more expensive item , ” said MEC spokesperson Tara Cleavers .
“ Whether it ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ $ 30 socks , we are prepared to gouge for everything.
” Many loyal customers expressed concern that they might not be able to purchase ethically-sourced walking sticks , tornado-resistant tents , and gluten-free kayaks .
“ I need my suede panniers , ” decried one Vancouver resident .
“ Please , someone think of our suede panniers !
” In an email to members , company executives attempted to assuage fears : “ Our stores will still be a place where progressives can convince themselves they ’ re not privileged when they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pretend they ’ re not contributing to the destruction of the environment by lighting a small part of it on fire during a camping expedition.
” At press time , the new private owners said the $ 5 membership fees will be donated to a needy lumber industry .

VANCOUVER – Leadership at the Mountain Equipment Co-op have reassured members that, despite being sold to a US investment firm, they will still charge $800 for a sleeping bag you’ll never use again.
The iconic Canadian brand will remain loyal to the organization’s more recent core values of charging an inordinate amount on aesthetically pleasing and very fashionable outdoor gear.
“Our customers will receive the same authentic advice that always tells you to buy the more expensive item,” said MEC spokesperson Tara Cleavers. “Whether it’s a $400 Gore-Tex windbreaker or $30 socks, we are prepared to gouge for everything.”
Many loyal customers expressed concern that they might not be able to purchase ethically-sourced walking sticks, tornado-resistant tents, and gluten-free kayaks.
“I need my suede panniers,” decried one Vancouver resident. “Please, someone think of our suede panniers!”
In an email to members, company executives attempted to assuage fears:
“Our stores will still be a place where progressives can convince themselves they’re not privileged when they buy pretentious bike equipment and environmentalists can pretend they’re not contributing to the destruction of the environment by lighting a small part of it on fire during a camping expedition.”
At press time, the new private owners said the $5 membership fees will be donated to a needy lumber industry.


thebeaverton--2020-09-18--Zack Snyder releases Justice League “Perfect Cut” which begins at end credits

HOLLYWOOD – Justice League fans are raving after Zack Snyder finally releases his perfect cut of the Justice League film which cuts everything except the end credits .
“ There was just so much gristle in the other cut of the film , ” said Snyder .
“ The story , the acting , the effects , the score… there was just so much that takes away from the experience , and once I cut all those things out I realized the film got much better.
” “ At first , I just started by cutting all the scenes with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then I cut all of Superman ’ s scenes , and I noticed the film just kept getting better and better , ” Snyder continued .
Snyder revealed that once he had cut almost everything from the film , he could finally re-focus on making the credits better with some of his trademarks .
“ I added a cool gray-blue colour , even more company logos , some slow motion on the harder to pronounce names… also , Leonard Cohen ’ s Hallelujah plays on a loop the whole time !
” Many @ @ @ @ @ @ @ complained about the brilliant and engaging film hiding within what was a huge mess , specifically the credits which named all the people who worked on the film and signified that people could finally get up and go home .
“ Finally , I feel like Zack ’ s vision is actually on screen , ” said Snyder superfan Daniel Meadow .
“ His talent lies not in imagination , creation , production , casting , or direction , but in his ability to list the people who allowed him to make these @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
It ’ s amazing how many people spent part of their lives bringing this trash to the screen , and we want to see their names and celebrate that sacrifice !
” After the rave reviews Snyder has received , other famous directors are also releasing “ perfect cuts ” of their own films , including : Quentin Tarantino removing all of his gratuitous foot shots ; J.J. Abrams including an Emperor Palpatine sex scene in Rise of Skywalker ; and Tom Hooper putting large buttholes back onto the characters in CATS @

HOLLYWOOD – Justice League fans are raving after Zack Snyder finally releases his perfect cut of the Justice League film which cuts everything except the end credits.
“There was just so much gristle in the other cut of the film,” said Snyder. “The story, the acting, the effects, the score… there was just so much that takes away from the experience, and once I cut all those things out I realized the film got much better.”
“At first, I just started by cutting all the scenes with Superman’s weird lip thing, then I cut all of Superman’s scenes, and I noticed the film just kept getting better and better,” Snyder continued.
Snyder revealed that once he had cut almost everything from the film, he could finally re-focus on making the credits better with some of his trademarks. “I added a cool gray-blue colour, even more company logos, some slow motion on the harder to pronounce names… also, Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah plays on a loop the whole time!”
Many fans watching the original film in theatres complained about the brilliant and engaging film hiding within what was a huge mess, specifically the credits which named all the people who worked on the film and signified that people could finally get up and go home.
“Finally, I feel like Zack’s vision is actually on screen,” said Snyder superfan Daniel Meadow. “His talent lies not in imagination, creation, production, casting, or direction, but in his ability to list the people who allowed him to make these abominations happen in their order of importance. It’s amazing how many people spent part of their lives bringing this trash to the screen, and we want to see their names and celebrate that sacrifice!”
After the rave reviews Snyder has received, other famous directors are also releasing “perfect cuts” of their own films, including: Quentin Tarantino removing all of his gratuitous foot shots; J.J. Abrams including an Emperor Palpatine sex scene in Rise of Skywalker; and Tom Hooper putting large buttholes back onto the characters in CATS.


thebeaverton--2020-09-18--Ford announces all large weddings must now take place in classrooms

TORONTO – Amid concerns over rising coronavirus cases in Ontario , Doug Ford tightened social gathering limits in hotspot areas in order to stem the spread of the virus .
As a result of the new numbers , Ford announced that all large weddings will now be held in public school classrooms .
“ Look , it ’ s about priorities , people , ” he said during the press conference at Queen ’ s Park .
“ You can ’ t have 100 wedding guests packed into someone ’ s backyard and keep everyone healthy at the same time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s why we ’ ve made the tough call to pack you and your entourage into already overcrowded children ’ s classrooms.
” “ It has been established that the virus is scientifically banned from entering schools , ” he continued .
“ So , you ’ re just going to have to make the best of it and say your vows while the kids are quietly eating lunch at their desks.
” Bride-to-be Tammy Hollister said that while she was disappointed that she wasn ’ t going to get the wedding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ held in her aging parents ’ living room ) , she was determined to make the best of the situation .
“ At first I was worried that the classroom aesthetic would put a damper on my big day , ” she explained .
“ But think of the possibilities !
I can change the theme from “ Cottagecore ” to “ Arts and Crafts , ” we can seat three people to a desk , and , since I ’ ve been told kids can ’ t get COVID , they can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
I ’ m so glad I didn ’ t just postpone like everyone else I know.
” Melissa Brown , the teacher in charge of the classroom where Hollister ’ s wedding was to take place , said that as far as COVID regulations regarding schools , this wasn ’ t the craziest thing she had heard .
“ You know what , why not , ” she sighed , visibly exhausted after having stayed up all night hand-sewing masks for the children who would inevitably lose theirs at school .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in my room , why not add dozens of drunk adults ?
Can they help stop the kids from lobbing spitballs and trying to put each other ’ s masks in their mouths ?
Hell , even if they can slip me a glass of champagne to numb the crushing terror of knowing that we ’ ll most likely have to go into lockdown for two weeks after the ceremony , that would be great.
” At press time , Tammy had just bullied seven-year-old Cindy Duckworth into swapping masks because the second @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her wedding dress .
”

TORONTO – Amid concerns over rising coronavirus cases in Ontario, Doug Ford tightened social gathering limits in hotspot areas in order to stem the spread of the virus. As a result of the new numbers, Ford announced that all large weddings will now be held in public school classrooms.
“Look, it’s about priorities, people,” he said during the press conference at Queen’s Park. “You can’t have 100 wedding guests packed into someone’s backyard and keep everyone healthy at the same time. Sacrifices must be made. That’s why we’ve made the tough call to pack you and your entourage into already overcrowded children’s classrooms.”
“It has been established that the virus is scientifically banned from entering schools,” he continued. “So, you’re just going to have to make the best of it and say your vows while the kids are quietly eating lunch at their desks.”
Bride-to-be Tammy Hollister said that while she was disappointed that she wasn’t going to get the wedding she wanted (a 75 person event held in her aging parents’ living room), she was determined to make the best of the situation.
“At first I was worried that the classroom aesthetic would put a damper on my big day,” she explained. “But think of the possibilities! I can change the theme from “Cottagecore” to “Arts and Crafts,” we can seat three people to a desk, and, since I’ve been told kids can’t get COVID, they can be in charge of serving the food! I’m so glad I didn’t just postpone like everyone else I know.”
Melissa Brown, the teacher in charge of the classroom where Hollister’s wedding was to take place, said that as far as COVID regulations regarding schools, this wasn’t the craziest thing she had heard.
“You know what, why not,” she sighed, visibly exhausted after having stayed up all night hand-sewing masks for the children who would inevitably lose theirs at school. “I’ve already got 35 kids in my room, why not add dozens of drunk adults? Can they help stop the kids from lobbing spitballs and trying to put each other’s masks in their mouths? Hell, even if they can slip me a glass of champagne to numb the crushing terror of knowing that we’ll most likely have to go into lockdown for two weeks after the ceremony, that would be great.”
At press time, Tammy had just bullied seven-year-old Cindy Duckworth into swapping masks because the second grader’s “looked better with her wedding dress.”


thebeaverton--2020-09-18--Breaking: National Post pretends to care about environment

TORONTO – Postmedia ’ s flagship publication is making a stalwart effort at pretending to care about environmental issues such as scrutinizing Justin Trudeau ’ s promise to plant 2 billion trees by 2029 .
The National Post , a right-wing newspaper best known for giving a platform to climate change deniers , appeared to be holding the Prime Minister and cabinet into account for a non-trivial climate change issue .
“ Wait , are we supposed to actually care about this ?
” said a confused reporter penning the story .
“ This is not our usual oil and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to write ?
” Staff writers were forced to re-write the first draft of the article after automatically writing a four page expose attacking Greta Thunberg for using a non-organic pacifier as an infant .
“ Should we spin it on how the 2 billion trees should be cut down for paper products ?
” asked the news desk writer to his editor .
“ I ’ m still not getting this story.
” “ We ’ ll have to run like 20 Rex Murphy editorials to make up for this , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ laid off at the end of the day .

TORONTO – Postmedia’s flagship publication is making a stalwart effort at pretending to care about environmental issues such as scrutinizing Justin Trudeau’s promise to plant 2 billion trees by 2029.
The National Post, a right-wing newspaper best known for giving a platform to climate change deniers, appeared to be holding the Prime Minister and cabinet into account for a non-trivial climate change issue.
“Wait, are we supposed to actually care about this?” said a confused reporter penning the story. “This is not our usual oil and gas related content…Who purchased this for us to write?”
Staff writers were forced to re-write the first draft of the article after automatically writing a four page expose attacking Greta Thunberg for using a non-organic pacifier as an infant.
“Should we spin it on how the 2 billion trees should be cut down for paper products?” asked the news desk writer to his editor. “I’m still not getting this story.”
“We’ll have to run like 20 Rex Murphy editorials to make up for this,” replied the editor who will be unexpectedly laid off at the end of the day.


thebeaverton--2020-09-18--British Columbia claims it was just holding smoke for a friend

VANCOUVER – When confronted by Canadian authorities this morning regarding reports that it had been seen smoking in massive quantities @ @ @ @ @ Columbia sheepishly mumbled that it had actually just been holding the smoke for a friend @ @ @ @ @ cowed province on details regarding this so-called friend , and why they hadn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ back for over a week , British Columbia insisted that the friend was real .
@ @ @ @ @ been going through a lot lately .
Trouble at home , you know ?
” @ @ @ @ @ clearly hoping to garner sympathy on behalf of its irresponsible friend .
Locals familiar with @ @ @ @ @ past the image of an innocent province led astray by a wayward neighbour as BC @ @ @ @ @ since 2014 .

VANCOUVER – When confronted by Canadian authorities this morning regarding reports that it had been seen smoking in massive quantities throughout the week, British Columbia sheepishly mumbled that it had actually just been holding the smoke for a friend.
When officials pressed the cowed province on details regarding this so-called friend, and why they hadn’t come to take their smoke back for over a week, British Columbia insisted that the friend was real.
“They’ve just been going through a lot lately. Trouble at home, you know?” BC gestured meaningfully here, clearly hoping to garner sympathy on behalf of its irresponsible friend.
Locals familiar with British Columbia know to see past the image of an innocent province led astray by a wayward neighbour as BC itself has been smoking excessively since 2014.


thebeaverton--2020-09-18--Queen’s students argue their campus outbreak will be way better than Western’s

KINGSTON – A group of Queen ’ s University students are setting the record straight declaring that their campus-wide outbreak of COVID-19 will be way better than the University of Western Ontario ’ s outbreak .
The coronavirus , which has sickened 30 million worldwide and killed thousands of Canadians thus far , has not yielded the university ’ s hypercompetitive spirit to beat Western at everything from academics and reputation to football and competitive pandemics .
“ Bro , this is going to be viral !
” screamed Cameron Holden ArtSci ‘ 21 who is expected to graduate in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about this for years.
” Many students said they were determined to be superior in every way to their historic adversary .
“ The score doesn ’ t matter , so long as we beat Western in clinical cases and hospitalizations , ” said Tammy Schmitt , a second year engineering student .
“ They ’ re ahead , but I know we can fight back in the second wave.
” The intense rivalry dates back to the Spanish Influenza Cup of 1918-19 where Western beat Queen ’ s by a death count @ @ @ @ @

KINGSTON – A group of Queen’s University students are setting the record straight declaring that their campus-wide outbreak of COVID-19 will be way better than the University of Western Ontario’s outbreak.
The coronavirus, which has sickened 30 million worldwide and killed thousands of Canadians thus far, has not yielded the university’s hypercompetitive spirit to beat Western at everything from academics and reputation to football and competitive pandemics.
“Bro, this is going to be viral!” screamed Cameron Holden ArtSci ‘21 who is expected to graduate in 2028. “People will be talking about this for years.”
Many students said they were determined to be superior in every way to their historic adversary.
“The score doesn’t matter, so long as we beat Western in clinical cases and hospitalizations,” said Tammy Schmitt, a second year engineering student. “They’re ahead, but I know we can fight back in the second wave.”
The intense rivalry dates back to the Spanish Influenza Cup of 1918-19 where Western beat Queen’s by a death count of 3,495 to 3,378.


thebeaverton--2020-09-19--Local friends get engaged just to spite you

OTTAWA – Your friends Daryl Hoover and Cheyenne Klein , who have spent all quarantine posting pictures of each other on social media , have decided to get engaged as a vengeful move against you .
“ So excited to be married to this goofball !
” captioned Cheyenne alongside her Instagram photo .
“ Also excited to reaffirm that our friend is a sad old hag who will never find love .
You know who you are ; ) ” The couple was pictured embracing in the middle of the beach alongside their adopted weiner dog Bruiser .
In @ @ @ @ @ @ @ photos of you throwing up in a toilet , having bangs in 2013 , and one of you eating alone in your empty but somehow messy apartment that they must have taken from the building across from yours .
“ We also want you to be the maid of honour and best man so you can have a front row seat of our love !
” Gushed the future Mrs. Hoover , “ That way you would have to pay for two outfits , two gifts , and two separate trips to Nashville @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
” “ Also good luck beating my 12 year old cousin Jenessa when catching the bouquet !
She ’ s a provincial level high jumper !
” Hoover and Klein were high school sweethearts that never left your hometown .
Klein paints inspirational quotes onto old farmhouse doors , while Hoover works in the ATV section of the Honda dealership off the highway .
The couple bonded over bullying you in high school , yet your parents love them and always invite them for dinner when you ’ re in town .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ in love , this is all about you.
” Hoover said in passing one day , eyes cold and unblinking .
“ What we do love is the idea of being financially dependent on each other while you die alone surrounded by cats.
” The wedding will take place later this year , all of your exes and their partners will be the only other guests in attendance .

OTTAWA – Your friends Daryl Hoover and Cheyenne Klein, who have spent all quarantine posting pictures of each other on social media, have decided to get engaged as a vengeful move against you.
“So excited to be married to this goofball!” captioned Cheyenne alongside her Instagram photo. “Also excited to reaffirm that our friend is a sad old hag who will never find love. You know who you are ;)”
The couple was pictured embracing in the middle of the beach alongside their adopted weiner dog Bruiser. In the same post, they also included photos of you throwing up in a toilet, having bangs in 2013, and one of you eating alone in your empty but somehow messy apartment that they must have taken from the building across from yours.
“We also want you to be the maid of honour and best man so you can have a front row seat of our love!” Gushed the future Mrs. Hoover, “That way you would have to pay for two outfits, two gifts, and two separate trips to Nashville! You’ll be financially ruined!”
“Also good luck beating my 12 year old cousin Jenessa when catching the bouquet! She’s a provincial level high jumper!”
Hoover and Klein were high school sweethearts that never left your hometown. Klein paints inspirational quotes onto old farmhouse doors, while Hoover works in the ATV section of the Honda dealership off the highway. The couple bonded over bullying you in high school, yet your parents love them and always invite them for dinner when you’re in town.
“We aren’t actually even in love, this is all about you.” Hoover said in passing one day, eyes cold and unblinking. “What we do love is the idea of being financially dependent on each other while you die alone surrounded by cats.”
The wedding will take place later this year, all of your exes and their partners will be the only other guests in attendance.


thebeaverton--2020-09-19--Ford scolds people for irresponsibly following rules he set

QUEEN ’ S PARK – With a recent uptick in Covid 19 cases in the Toronto , Peel and Ottawa regions , Doug Ford has called on Ontarians to take all possible precautions , to keep indoor gatherings to ten , and most importantly , to disregard everything his government was telling them a week ago .
“ The sharp uptick in community transmissions is what happen when you listen to wackadoos instead of medical professionals , ” said Ontario Premier Doug Ford .
“ If I knew anything about preventing viral outbreaks , I wouldn ’ t have scaled @ @ @ @ @ @ @ term care homes.
” “ And that ’ s on all of you , ” Ford added .
Ford went on to lambast developers for not following the environmental regulations he rolled back , friends for accepting the patronage positions he offered them , and children with autism for not taking part in any of the programs that he slashed .
“ It ’ s good to know that this second wave is being taken seriously and social gatherings are being limited , ” stated Brampton resident Frank Giccello .
“ Now the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is when I ’ m working in a crowded warehouse for my job at Amazon , or from my kid whose class has 30 students crammed into one room .
Or maybe from the hundreds of restaurants that still have indoor dining.
” The conservative have assured the public that while they have gone back on some of their actions , minimum wage will remain locked below the cost of living .

QUEEN’S PARK – With a recent uptick in Covid 19 cases in the Toronto, Peel and Ottawa regions, Doug Ford has called on Ontarians to take all possible precautions, to keep indoor gatherings to ten, and most importantly, to disregard everything his government was telling them a week ago.
“The sharp uptick in community transmissions is what happen when you listen to wackadoos instead of medical professionals,” said Ontario Premier Doug Ford. “If I knew anything about preventing viral outbreaks, I wouldn’t have scaled back comprehensive, annual inspections of long term care homes.”
“And that’s on all of you,” Ford added.
Ford went on to lambast developers for not following the environmental regulations he rolled back, friends for accepting the patronage positions he offered them, and children with autism for not taking part in any of the programs that he slashed.
“It’s good to know that this second wave is being taken seriously and social gatherings are being limited,” stated Brampton resident Frank Giccello. “Now the only place I’ll catch COVID is when I’m working in a crowded warehouse for my job at Amazon, or from my kid whose class has 30 students crammed into one room. Or maybe from the hundreds of restaurants that still have indoor dining.”
The conservative have assured the public that while they have gone back on some of their actions, minimum wage will remain locked below the cost of living.


thebeaverton--2020-09-21--B.C. NDP celebrate low COVID numbers by gathering large amounts of people indoors to vote

VICTORIA – B.C .
Premier John Horgan has been riding a wave of good poll numbers due in no small part to the success B.C .
has had keeping coronavirus infections in the province down , and the NDP feel all their hard work warrants a celebratory snap election .
“ We think the B.C .
public agrees that the NDP have done a great job keeping this respiratory virus from infecting more people , and will want to reward us for that by voting for us after standing in line in an enclosed space , shoulder to shoulder with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Premier Horgan said today , announcing the October 24 election date .
While some are questioning the motives behind the NDP calling an election now , considering that B.C.
’ s COVID-19 cases have undergone a recent spike and given that they could simply wait to call an election a year from now when there will likely be a vaccine that would make in-person voting much safer , many are applauding this politically astute attempt to cash on the gratitude and exhaustion of a scared population during an ongoing emergency .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the billions in subsidies to the fossil fuel industry Horgan has given out in his time as premier , or the ongoing homelessness and opioid overdose crises that have only been exacerbated by the pandemic , or even the fact that four years ago Horgan promised , in writing , not to hold an election until his five-year term is over next fall .
It ’ s a brilliant move , ” says local Machiavelli scholar Joyce Collier .
The provincial Green Party has condemned the decision to hold an election now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it for entirely partisan purposes , while the provincial Liberals have condemned the NDP ’ s decision by conceding that they would have done exactly the same thing .

VICTORIA – B.C. Premier John Horgan has been riding a wave of good poll numbers due in no small part to the success B.C. has had keeping coronavirus infections in the province down, and the NDP feel all their hard work warrants a celebratory snap election.
“We think the B.C. public agrees that the NDP have done a great job keeping this respiratory virus from infecting more people, and will want to reward us for that by voting for us after standing in line in an enclosed space, shoulder to shoulder with dozens if not hundreds of strangers,” Premier Horgan said today, announcing the October 24 election date.
While some are questioning the motives behind the NDP calling an election now, considering that B.C.’s COVID-19 cases have undergone a recent spike and given that they could simply wait to call an election a year from now when there will likely be a vaccine that would make in-person voting much safer, many are applauding this politically astute attempt to cash on the gratitude and exhaustion of a scared population during an ongoing emergency.
“No one’s going to focus on the billions in subsidies to the fossil fuel industry Horgan has given out in his time as premier, or the ongoing homelessness and opioid overdose crises that have only been exacerbated by the pandemic, or even the fact that four years ago Horgan promised, in writing, not to hold an election until his five-year term is over next fall. It’s a brilliant move,” says local Machiavelli scholar Joyce Collier.
The provincial Green Party has condemned the decision to hold an election now by arguing that the NDP have called it for entirely partisan purposes, while the provincial Liberals have condemned the NDP’s decision by conceding that they would have done exactly the same thing.


thebeaverton--2020-09-21--Canadian in line for COVID test recovers from virus by time he gets to the front

TORONTO – After waking up with mild flu-like symptoms a month ago , Peter Miller went to stand in line outside of Toronto Western Hospital to get tested for COVID .
As of this morning , he happily announced that he had both reached the front of the line and fully recovered from the virus .
“ I got here mid-August , right when my dry cough started , ” he explained , after having his first shower in over a month .
“ And as the line dragged on , that cough turned into a full-blown , 28-day case @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I was about to head into the testing centre .
I ’ m pretty sure I almost died at one point , but at least I didn ’ t have to get swabbed !
The procedure sounds really unpleasant.
” “ I mean , sure , we all had to stand outside day and night for weeks and defend ourselves from the local racoon gangs , ” he continued , “ but it ’ s still better than what ’ s going on in the States .
I heard Trump has ordered all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pit in Mitch McConnell ’ s basement.
” Recovering from a COVID infection isn ’ t the only notable thing to happen during long wait times .
Reports have been flooding in of people using the time to learn whole new languages , mastering a martial art , and even in once particularly long lineup , going through an entire third trimester .
Miller ’ s story is not unusual , states Minister of Health Christine Elliot .
In fact , according to the latest data , he was “ one of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that the average time in line for a COVID test is approximately ‘ as long as you are physically able to stand , ’ ” she explained .
“ The majority of people recover while they wait .
However , I must ask the people of Ontario to not let that deter them from lining up for a test if they are sick .
If you ’ re lucky enough to have a job , take a month off .
For adults with kids , just get a babysitter who can live at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ remember : wait times are bound to go down in winter as more and more people die of hypothermia mid-line.
” At press time , Miller had joined another line in order to get tested in time to go home for Christmas .

TORONTO – After waking up with mild flu-like symptoms a month ago, Peter Miller went to stand in line outside of Toronto Western Hospital to get tested for COVID. As of this morning, he happily announced that he had both reached the front of the line and fully recovered from the virus.
“I got here mid-August, right when my dry cough started,” he explained, after having his first shower in over a month. “And as the line dragged on, that cough turned into a full-blown, 28-day case of coronavirus that lasted right up until I was about to head into the testing centre. I’m pretty sure I almost died at one point, but at least I didn’t have to get swabbed! The procedure sounds really unpleasant.”
“I mean, sure, we all had to stand outside day and night for weeks and defend ourselves from the local racoon gangs,” he continued, “but it’s still better than what’s going on in the States. I heard Trump has ordered all testing lines to lead straight into a pit in Mitch McConnell’s basement.”
Recovering from a COVID infection isn’t the only notable thing to happen during long wait times. Reports have been flooding in of people using the time to learn whole new languages, mastering a martial art, and even in once particularly long lineup, going through an entire third trimester.
Miller’s story is not unusual, states Minister of Health Christine Elliot. In fact, according to the latest data, he was “one of the lucky ones.”
“Our numbers indicate that the average time in line for a COVID test is approximately ‘as long as you are physically able to stand,’” she explained. “The majority of people recover while they wait. However, I must ask the people of Ontario to not let that deter them from lining up for a test if they are sick. If you’re lucky enough to have a job, take a month off. For adults with kids, just get a babysitter who can live at your house for a while! And remember: wait times are bound to go down in winter as more and more people die of hypothermia mid-line.”
At press time, Miller had joined another line in order to get tested in time to go home for Christmas.


thebeaverton--2020-09-21--EDITORIAL: Sick teachers are a small price to pay to get me the hell away from the horrible kids I m

EDITORIAL: Sick teachers are a small price to pay to get me the hell away from the horrible kids I made by choice

There ’ s been a lot of fuss made about kids going back to school during coronavirus .
Every mommy blogger under the sun has been ‘ gramming about “ too soon ” this and “ superspreader event ” that , and most interestingly “ think of the teachers !
” Frankly , here ’ s what I think of them : sick teachers are a small price to pay to get me the hell away from these truly horrible children I made by choice .
I have spent 6 uninterrupted months with both of my rotted , cursed children @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them .
15 years ago I thought it would be romantic to have a baby with my disinterested then-boyfriend , and now my teenager Samantha is constantly in my personal space , all “ mom will you help with my homework ” this , and “ don ’ t you think Derek S. ’ s new haircut makes him look like Post Malone ” that .
The only time she ever leaves me alone is when Olivia G. cyberbullies her on Instagram , and each hurtful comment usually only buys me 15 minutes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my turn with my daughter .
It ’ s time for Mr. Singh to put on a mask , pull out a math textbook , and completely estrange himself from his immunocompromised wife for 10 months .
My youngest , Todd , is 11 , and while he was supposed to be the baby that fixed my dead marriage , he actually turned out to be a little moron who will not stop dancing .
Fortnite , Tik Tok , Tchaikovsky ’ s Swan Lake , all of it is annoying and all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I used to be able to “ forget ” to pick him up from Jazz Dance on Saturdays for a little extra mimosa time , but now I have to bear witness to every flawless arabesque and beat-perfect rendition of the Carlton .
I ’ m literally never alone at this point .
So excuse me if I don ’ t shed a tear when Mlle .
Tremblay has to dip into her fancy union health care plan to cover a three-week stint on a ventilator .
Look , if teachers didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ position , they shouldn ’ t have gone into substantial debt to get one of the world ’ s few useful graduate degrees when we all knew an unprecedented global pandemic was a theoretical possibility .
If you really want to “ make the future a better place , ” why not just join the board of directors at a private energy company like the rest of us ?
I ’ m so sick of this flagrant entitlement from teachers .
You think you ’ re better than me just because you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an audience of 30 children for 10 hours a day , serving as their personal expert in math , science , history , geography , music , english , child psychology , and conflict resolution , all while carrying yourself with the grace and patience of a saint ?
Please .
If teachers didn ’ t want to be in this position , maybe they should have done a better job teaching me about contraception and how badly it sucks shit to be a parent so I wouldn ’ t have had these @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
As far as I ’ m concerned , I did my job by gettin ’ it raw and then yeeting these kids out of my ute .
They shouldn ’ t be my problem anymore .
So I ’ m gon na need teachers to sit down , suck it up , and make sure the two busted little demons I ’ ve reared will someday be able to afford the therapy they ’ ll need to unpack my iffy parenting choices .
Oh , and if you get ME sick in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Good luck , morons !

By Liz Peterson
There’s been a lot of fuss made about kids going back to school during coronavirus. Every mommy blogger under the sun has been ‘gramming about “too soon” this and “superspreader event” that, and most interestingly “think of the teachers!” Frankly, here’s what I think of them: sick teachers are a small price to pay to get me the hell away from these truly horrible children I made by choice.
I have spent 6 uninterrupted months with both of my rotted, cursed children, and I’m sick of them. 15 years ago I thought it would be romantic to have a baby with my disinterested then-boyfriend, and now my teenager Samantha is constantly in my personal space, all “mom will you help with my homework” this, and “don’t you think Derek S.’s new haircut makes him look like Post Malone” that. The only time she ever leaves me alone is when Olivia G. cyberbullies her on Instagram, and each hurtful comment usually only buys me 15 minutes or so. I’ve taken my turn with my daughter. It’s time for Mr. Singh to put on a mask, pull out a math textbook, and completely estrange himself from his immunocompromised wife for 10 months.
My youngest, Todd, is 11, and while he was supposed to be the baby that fixed my dead marriage, he actually turned out to be a little moron who will not stop dancing. Fortnite, Tik Tok, Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake, all of it is annoying and all of it deprives me of peace. I used to be able to “forget” to pick him up from Jazz Dance on Saturdays for a little extra mimosa time, but now I have to bear witness to every flawless arabesque and beat-perfect rendition of the Carlton. I’m literally never alone at this point. So excuse me if I don’t shed a tear when Mlle. Tremblay has to dip into her fancy union health care plan to cover a three-week stint on a ventilator.
Look, if teachers didn’t want to be put in this position, they shouldn’t have gone into substantial debt to get one of the world’s few useful graduate degrees when we all knew an unprecedented global pandemic was a theoretical possibility. If you really want to “make the future a better place,” why not just join the board of directors at a private energy company like the rest of us?
I’m so sick of this flagrant entitlement from teachers. You think you’re better than me just because you’re on your feet attempting to captivate an audience of 30 children for 10 hours a day, serving as their personal expert in math, science, history, geography, music, english, child psychology, and conflict resolution, all while carrying yourself with the grace and patience of a saint? Please. If teachers didn’t want to be in this position, maybe they should have done a better job teaching me about contraception and how badly it sucks shit to be a parent so I wouldn’t have had these wretched little gremlins in the first place.
As far as I’m concerned, I did my job by gettin’ it raw and then yeeting these kids out of my ute. They shouldn’t be my problem anymore. So I’m gonna need teachers to sit down, suck it up, and make sure the two busted little demons I’ve reared will someday be able to afford the therapy they’ll need to unpack my iffy parenting choices. Oh, and if you get ME sick in the process, I’ll sue. Good luck, morons!


thebeaverton--2020-09-21--Schitt’s Creek Emmy sweep inspires Canadian government to add another nickel to arts funding jar

OTTAWA – After the beloved Canadian sitcom Schitt ’ s Creek walked away from yesterday ’ s Emmy Awards with 9 wins , the Canadian government was so buoyed by the show ’ s success that it decided to add five whole cents to its arts funding jar .
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was quick to congratulate the show on its wins for Outstanding Comedy Series and Best Actor awards for all four leading performers , tweeting a video of him ceremoniously adding the nickel to a tiny artisanal mason jar labelled “ Art ‘ n Stuff ” , to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so proud of the cast and crew of a series that showed the world what Canadian artists can do , only after they ’ ve made it big in the States , ” he announced .
“ So it is my pleasure to drop this five-cent coin into the jar , thereby increasing the government ’ s arts budget by 10 % .
I ’ m sure I speak for all Canadians when I say that I can ’ t wait to see what comes from this .
Just don ’ t spend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Schitt ’ s creator and star Daniel Levy was elated to hear about how his show ’ s success had contributed to the most significant financial increase to the country ’ s arts programs in over a decade .
“ When we started making Schitt ’ s Creek , the only funding the CBC was able to give us was two pennies , an old wig collection left over from Royal Canadian Air Farce , and a slightly worried shrug , ” he said , already attempting to pawn an Emmy Statuette to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I ’ m so glad that the next generation of visionary filmmakers will get the financial support they deserve.
” “ If we had had access to Art Jar funding , just think of how many more crow feathers we could have glued to Catherine O ’ Hara !
” Conservative Party leader Erin O ’ Toole , who recently vowed to defund CBC Television , made his position on the generous monetary addition clear .
“ Five whole cents ?
” he fumed , rage-throwing a dart at a picture of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his home .
“ What could artists possibly need with that amount of money ?
This is a complete waste of taxpayer dollars that should have gone to actually important things , like pipelines , and paid advertisements informing people that I exist .
I can only hope that Trudeau comes to his senses and takes the money back before the CBC greenlights another show full of left-wing sketch comedians.
” At press time , Canadian broadcasters were engaged in a desperate race to offer television deals to the children of as many @ @ @ @ @ @ @ find .

OTTAWA – After the beloved Canadian sitcom Schitt’s Creek walked away from yesterday’s Emmy Awards with 9 wins, the Canadian government was so buoyed by the show’s success that it decided to add five whole cents to its arts funding jar.
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was quick to congratulate the show on its wins for Outstanding Comedy Series and Best Actor awards for all four leading performers, tweeting a video of him ceremoniously adding the nickel to a tiny artisanal mason jar labelled “Art ‘n Stuff”, to rapturous applause.
“We are all so proud of the cast and crew of a series that showed the world what Canadian artists can do, only after they’ve made it big in the States,” he announced. “So it is my pleasure to drop this five-cent coin into the jar, thereby increasing the government’s arts budget by 10%. I’m sure I speak for all Canadians when I say that I can’t wait to see what comes from this. Just don’t spend it all in one place!”
Schitt’s creator and star Daniel Levy was elated to hear about how his show’s success had contributed to the most significant financial increase to the country’s arts programs in over a decade.
“When we started making Schitt’s Creek, the only funding the CBC was able to give us was two pennies, an old wig collection left over from Royal Canadian Air Farce, and a slightly worried shrug,” he said, already attempting to pawn an Emmy Statuette to help pay for his next project. “I’m so glad that the next generation of visionary filmmakers will get the financial support they deserve.”
“If we had had access to Art Jar funding, just think of how many more crow feathers we could have glued to Catherine O’Hara!”
Conservative Party leader Erin O’Toole, who recently vowed to defund CBC Television, made his position on the generous monetary addition clear.
“Five whole cents?” he fumed, rage-throwing a dart at a picture of Tom Power taped onto the wall of his home. “What could artists possibly need with that amount of money? This is a complete waste of taxpayer dollars that should have gone to actually important things, like pipelines, and paid advertisements informing people that I exist. I can only hope that Trudeau comes to his senses and takes the money back before the CBC greenlights another show full of left-wing sketch comedians.”
At press time, Canadian broadcasters were engaged in a desperate race to offer television deals to the children of as many other famous Canadian comedians as they could find.


thebeaverton--2020-09-20--Hastily drawn Tim Hortons Smile Cookie pleads for death at hand of cruel creator

COBURG , ON – With the end of Tim Hortons Smile Cookie Week approaching , one cookie in particular cried out for the sweet release of death after being drawn quickly by an employee during the lunch rush .
“ I was birthed into this world shrouded by pain and the flickering fluorescent lighting of this Tims off the highway , ” screamed the little misshapen lump of butter and sugar .
“ ‘ Tis more merciful to chuck my horrifying visage into the bin than to trot me out for all to see.
” The Smile Cookie began whimpering @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , 17 year-old Tyler Hannigan .
The young man had just returned from a smoke break and was tasked with anthropomorphizing a dozen chocolate chip cookies .
“ Oh why have you forsaken me , father ?
I demand that you look upon your creation and feel shame .
Does this gash that runs across my face resemble a smile in the slightest ?
Nay !
” the heinous cookie cried out .
“ All men hate the wretched ; how , then , must I be hated , who am miserable beyond @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what frightened the Smile Cookie most , it replied that it feared the cruelty of the public above all else .
“ They shall acquire me and mock me on social media , but they forget that 100 % of my proceeds benefit local charities .
I ask now : who is truly the monster , and who is the cookie ?
” Before being put out on display , the abominable cookie pleaded with its creator to make it a companion equally as repugnant so that it could enjoy matrimony during its @ @ @

COBURG, ON – With the end of Tim Hortons Smile Cookie Week approaching, one cookie in particular cried out for the sweet release of death after being drawn quickly by an employee during the lunch rush.
“I was birthed into this world shrouded by pain and the flickering fluorescent lighting of this Tims off the highway,” screamed the little misshapen lump of butter and sugar. “‘Tis more merciful to chuck my horrifying visage into the bin than to trot me out for all to see.”
The Smile Cookie began whimpering curses under its breath against its creator, 17 year-old Tyler Hannigan. The young man had just returned from a smoke break and was tasked with anthropomorphizing a dozen chocolate chip cookies.
“Oh why have you forsaken me, father? I demand that you look upon your creation and feel shame. Does this gash that runs across my face resemble a smile in the slightest? Nay!” the heinous cookie cried out. “All men hate the wretched; how, then, must I be hated, who am miserable beyond all living things!”
When asked what frightened the Smile Cookie most, it replied that it feared the cruelty of the public above all else.
“They shall acquire me and mock me on social media, but they forget that 100% of my proceeds benefit local charities. I ask now: who is truly the monster, and who is the cookie?”
Before being put out on display, the abominable cookie pleaded with its creator to make it a companion equally as repugnant so that it could enjoy matrimony during its final hours.


thebeaverton--2020-09-22--Local man vows to get even less done during second wave of COVID

TORONTO – Local man Todd Walters has made a resolution that should the COVID-19 virus force him into quarantine again , he will accomplish even less with the extra time off .
“ After I went back to work , I realized I didn ’ t nearly squander my time as effectively as I could have.
” Walters said from his shamefully clean apartment .
“ What was I thinking , taking that course on coding ?
I will never have this much time to accomplish nothing again.
” Walters is making several preparations to help him reach his inactivity @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up on weed , signed up for every streaming service known to man , and cut out all the motivational people from my life .
If wave two comes , I will be living my best/worst life !
” At the top of Walter ’ s to-not-do list is to fix his leaky showerhead , start a window garden , and brush his teeth regularly .
If the pandemic provides him extra time to waste , Walters also plans to put off bigger projects , like figuring out his career goals .
Although @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to officially start , Walters is already preparing .
“ I ’ ve started an unproductivity journal to help me stay on track to go nowhere .
It ’ s filled with all kinds of ways to waste time , like replaying old video games , discovering new types of porn , watching youtube videos of people playing table tennis and writing a letter to a U.S. member of congress .
I ’ ve even got plans for wave 3 if it comes to that , although it ’ s mainly just hibernation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to be really good at not doing anything .
I ’ m glad he ’ s regained his lack of focus.
” Said Walter ’ s mother Lisa .
“ It ’ s going to be tough without crippling anxiety to help him , so I ’ m doing my part to help by encouraging him not to call.
” At press time , Walters was mortified to realize he had just organized his bookshelf , swearing that it would be the last time .

TORONTO – Local man Todd Walters has made a resolution that should the COVID-19 virus force him into quarantine again, he will accomplish even less with the extra time off.
“After I went back to work, I realized I didn’t nearly squander my time as effectively as I could have.” Walters said from his shamefully clean apartment. “What was I thinking, taking that course on coding? I will never have this much time to accomplish nothing again.”
Walters is making several preparations to help him reach his inactivity goals. “I’ve stocked up on weed, signed up for every streaming service known to man, and cut out all the motivational people from my life. If wave two comes, I will be living my best/worst life!”
At the top of Walter’s to-not-do list is to fix his leaky showerhead, start a window garden, and brush his teeth regularly. If the pandemic provides him extra time to waste, Walters also plans to put off bigger projects, like figuring out his career goals.
Although the second wave of COVID-19 has yet to officially start, Walters is already preparing. “I’ve started an unproductivity journal to help me stay on track to go nowhere. It’s filled with all kinds of ways to waste time, like replaying old video games, discovering new types of porn, watching youtube videos of people playing table tennis and writing a letter to a U.S. member of congress. I’ve even got plans for wave 3 if it comes to that, although it’s mainly just hibernation from that point.”
“Todd used to be really good at not doing anything. I’m glad he’s regained his lack of focus.” Said Walter’s mother Lisa. “It’s going to be tough without crippling anxiety to help him, so I’m doing my part to help by encouraging him not to call.”
At press time, Walters was mortified to realize he had just organized his bookshelf, swearing that it would be the last time.


thebeaverton--2020-09-22--Governor General grants Royal Assent using tears of her staffers

OTTAWA – Acting on behalf of Her Majesty , Queen Elizabeth II , Governor General Julie Payette has granted several @ @ @ @ @ by inscribing her signature with the tears of her staffers .
Two laws passed by @ @ @ @ @ dotted with the royal pain experienced by employees working under the Queen ’ s representative @ @ @ @ @ this seal from the people who dared to embarrass me , I hereby make this @ @ @ @ @ said Payette to a terrified Parliamentary clerk witnessing the act .
The eye secretions used @ @ @ @ @ at Rideau Hall was a public servant who failed to straighten a salad fork during @ @ @ @ @ and another who sneezed during an awards ceremony .
“ Now , get back to @ @ @ @ @ the GG seated in front of her coat of arms featuring a sad owl , @ @ @ @ @ a stack of resignation letters .
Meanwhile , the PMO was desperately trying to trade @ @ @ @ @ .

OTTAWA – Acting on behalf of Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, Governor General Julie Payette has granted several pieces of legislation Royal Assent by inscribing her signature with the tears of her staffers.
Two laws passed by Parliament and four Orders-in-Council were dotted with the royal pain experienced by employees working under the Queen’s representative in Canada.
“With this seal from the people who dared to embarrass me, I hereby make this legislation into law,” said Payette to a terrified Parliamentary clerk witnessing the act.
The eye secretions used in today’s signing at Rideau Hall was a public servant who failed to straighten a salad fork during a brunch with visiting dignitaries and another who sneezed during an awards ceremony.
“Now, get back to work everyone!” yelled the GG seated in front of her coat of arms featuring a sad owl, a crushed soul, and a stack of resignation letters.
Meanwhile, the PMO was desperately trying to trade Payette to another Commonwealth country.


thebeaverton--2020-09-22--Latest US outbreak traced to Coronavirus eating contest

MIAMI – Amid spiking COVID-19 figures in the United States , experts have determined that the source of a recent outbreak was a Coronavirus eating contest from two weeks ago .
“ We suspect that Chucky P ’ s Bar & Grill Coronavirus Eat-A-Thon was the likely originating event for the majority of the cases being seen across the state , ” said Dr. Albert Chong , of the South Miami Hospital .
“ Though it is too early to make any conclusive findings , we feel confident that consuming vast quantities of the virus could be considered a high-risk @ @ @ @ @ @ @ which participants were challenged to eat more portions of the raw , concentrated virus than other competitors , drew record attendees to the bar , with many flocking from as far as California and Ohio .
As an added bonus , the first 150 people into the bar received the chance to get a free taste from the vats of the cultured virus simmering in the kitchen .
Chucky P , the owner and operator of the bar , proudly advertised the contest as a way to celebrate the freedom of the United @ @ @ @ @ @ @ liberals who think the virus is still a threat .
“ It is my God-given right as an American to consume what I want , when I want , in the quantities I want , and no government or health authority can tell me otherwise !
” Chucky P is reported to have shouted through a loudspeaker at the event .
“ And so if I want to consume 30 or 40 heaping , steaming bowls of good ol ’ , American-grown , Triple A SARS-Cov-2 and let my friends lick the spoon @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s exactly what I ’ m gon na do !
Now how ‘ bout you ?
!
” The Federal government has not yet banned people from shoving spoonful after spoonful of delicious coronavirus directly into their mouths and savouring the fine taste of recklessness , choosing instead to leave those decisions to the state-level .
For its part , Florida has explicitly recognized that , while repeatedly putting infectious agents onto your tongue may stoke concern , eating contests are a fundamental part of the state economy and Florida culture .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ harm of banning people from participating in completely unnecessary activities far outweighed the harm posed by the virus .
“ At first I was a little worried about what might happen if I went , ” said Travis Mutt , speaking from quarantine , “ but when I got into the bar and stood shoulder to shoulder with other proud Americans , pushing back against the tyranny of widely-accepted scientific data , and breathing in their coughs , I knew I had made the right choice.
” “ Plus every participant got a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ down so it ’ s even more safe , ” he continued .
Chucky P has confirmed that Burt Bunt , the winner of the contest , will receive a life-time supply of the bar ’ s hot wings and dibs on the first open spot at the local hospital ’ s overloaded ICU , unless he dies first .

MIAMI – Amid spiking COVID-19 figures in the United States, experts have determined that the source of a recent outbreak was a Coronavirus eating contest from two weeks ago.
“We suspect that Chucky P’s Bar & Grill Coronavirus Eat-A-Thon was the likely originating event for the majority of the cases being seen across the state,” said Dr. Albert Chong, of the South Miami Hospital. “Though it is too early to make any conclusive findings, we feel confident that consuming vast quantities of the virus could be considered a high-risk activity”.
The contest, in which participants were challenged to eat more portions of the raw, concentrated virus than other competitors, drew record attendees to the bar, with many flocking from as far as California and Ohio. As an added bonus, the first 150 people into the bar received the chance to get a free taste from the vats of the cultured virus simmering in the kitchen. Chucky P, the owner and operator of the bar, proudly advertised the contest as a way to celebrate the freedom of the United States and send a message to cowardly liberals who think the virus is still a threat.
“It is my God-given right as an American to consume what I want, when I want, in the quantities I want, and no government or health authority can tell me otherwise!” Chucky P is reported to have shouted through a loudspeaker at the event. “And so if I want to consume 30 or 40 heaping, steaming bowls of good ol’, American-grown, Triple A SARS-Cov-2 and let my friends lick the spoon afterwards then, damn it, that’s exactly what I’m gonna do! Now how ‘bout you?!”
The Federal government has not yet banned people from shoving spoonful after spoonful of delicious coronavirus directly into their mouths and savouring the fine taste of recklessness, choosing instead to leave those decisions to the state-level. For its part, Florida has explicitly recognized that, while repeatedly putting infectious agents onto your tongue may stoke concern, eating contests are a fundamental part of the state economy and Florida culture. Governor Ron DeSantis asserted that the financial harm of banning people from participating in completely unnecessary activities far outweighed the harm posed by the virus.
“At first I was a little worried about what might happen if I went,” said Travis Mutt, speaking from quarantine, “but when I got into the bar and stood shoulder to shoulder with other proud Americans, pushing back against the tyranny of widely-accepted scientific data, and breathing in their coughs, I knew I had made the right choice.”
“Plus every participant got a free glass of Hydroxychloroquine to wash it down so it’s even more safe,” he continued.
Chucky P has confirmed that Burt Bunt, the winner of the contest, will receive a life-time supply of the bar’s hot wings and dibs on the first open spot at the local hospital’s overloaded ICU, unless he dies first.


thebeaverton--2020-09-23--“The extra C stands for Canada,” says newly christened Cconservative Party

OTTAWA – Canada ’ s official opposition party has unveiled a new logo and a new name to go with it , and are proudly inviting Canadians to say hello to the new Cconservatives .
“ We ’ re putting Canada first , because the first C stands for Canada .
But it also stands for so many other good things that start with C , ” said Cconservative leader Erin O ’ Toole .
“ It stands for consistency , and courage , and conservative .
Little c conservative , as opposed to big C Cconservative.
” While some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rebranding is merely a way to save face after not realizing their expensive new logo contains two C ’ s close together in a similar enough font for the whole thing to appear as one word , the Cconservatives are adamant that this name change was undertaken because of deeply held beliefs about Canada and conservatism , and has nothing to do with covering for poor graphic design choices .
“ Our new logo symbolizes our commitment to Canada , ” O ’ Toole explained .
“ And I want to make something @ @ @ @ @ @ @ getting wrong when they look at the new logo : the maple leaf is not askew and does not therefore symbolize that we have a distorted , partisan view of Canada .
It ’ s intentionally pointing gently to the right .
That ’ s totally different .
I mean , who would trust a political party that can ’ t even get their logo correct ?
But we did , so rest assured , you can trust the Cconservatives.
” Leader O ’ Toole isn ’ t the only Cconservative to have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ It looks right to me , ” said Ppierre Ppoilievre .
The Liberals are also considering updating their own logo by adding a splash of green which will represent both their commitment to environmentalism and their acquiescence to rapacious corporate greed .

OTTAWA – Canada’s official opposition party has unveiled a new logo and a new name to go with it, and are proudly inviting Canadians to say hello to the new Cconservatives.
“We’re putting Canada first, because the first C stands for Canada. But it also stands for so many other good things that start with C,” said Cconservative leader Erin O’Toole. “It stands for consistency, and courage, and conservative. Little c conservative, as opposed to big C Cconservative.”
While some political experts believe the party’s rebranding is merely a way to save face after not realizing their expensive new logo contains two C’s close together in a similar enough font for the whole thing to appear as one word, the Cconservatives are adamant that this name change was undertaken because of deeply held beliefs about Canada and conservatism, and has nothing to do with covering for poor graphic design choices.
“Our new logo symbolizes our commitment to Canada,” O’Toole explained. “And I want to make something clear that a lot of people are getting wrong when they look at the new logo: the maple leaf is not askew and does not therefore symbolize that we have a distorted, partisan view of Canada. It’s intentionally pointing gently to the right. That’s totally different. I mean, who would trust a political party that can’t even get their logo correct? But we did, so rest assured, you can trust the Cconservatives.”
Leader O’Toole isn’t the only Cconservative to have nothing but praise for the new logo. “It looks right to me,” said Ppierre Ppoilievre.
The Liberals are also considering updating their own logo by adding a splash of green which will represent both their commitment to environmentalism and their acquiescence to rapacious corporate greed.