thebeaverton--2020-04-15--Quarantined couple attempt to spice up relationship by putting pants on

TORONTO – Monica Gonzales and Tom Meyer , a couple living in downtown Toronto , had been self-isolating together for over a month when they felt their relationship growing stale .
The couple , who hadn ’ t worn real clothing for several weeks , decided to try to bring the fire back into their lives by putting some pants on .
“ You ’ d think that constantly walking around with no pants would be really enticing and sexy , ” explained Meyer , a recently laid-off service industry worker currently putting together his thirteenth jigsaw puzzle of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for the first day or two .
But realizing that you ’ re both going pants-less because you can ’ t be bothered to dress yourself is a real turnoff.
” “ So , we thought , ‘ how are we going to bring the sexual excitement back into our relationship ?
’ ” Gonzales asked , pausing to take a sip of red wine straight from the box .
“ And it hit us : let ’ s put our pants back on !
It sounds like that would be the opposite @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that watching your partner complete even the most basic tasks during a pandemic is insanely erotic.
” She added : “ This morning , I swapped my sports bra for a conservative button-up , and he nearly had a heart attack .
We each threw on three scarves , two jackets , a balaclava , and went to town .
At this point , we can ’ t climax if we can see each other ’ s bare skin.
” Couples therapist Karen Mulligan was quick to explain that this behaviour was not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ My advice to partners who are feeling the libido-quashing effects of COVID-19 is to shake up your routines , ” Mulligan said .
“ Instead of a boring strip tease to the sexy sounds of Marvin Gaye ’ s ‘ Let ’ s Get It On ’ , try rolling freshly-laundered socks onto your feet while reciting the day ’ s grocery list .
Change your usual water-saving morning shower into a debaucherous couples ’ hand sanitizer orgy .
Ladies , grow out your leg hair so your partner can erotically @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be back sooner than you can say ‘ ongoing global health crisis . '
” At press time , Monica and Tom had agreed that the sexiest either of them had ever found the other was when they forced themselves to wear jeans for a grand total of five minutes .

TORONTO – Monica Gonzales and Tom Meyer, a couple living in downtown Toronto, had been self-isolating together for over a month when they felt their relationship growing stale. The couple, who hadn’t worn real clothing for several weeks, decided to try to bring the fire back into their lives by putting some pants on.
“You’d think that constantly walking around with no pants would be really enticing and sexy,” explained Meyer, a recently laid-off service industry worker currently putting together his thirteenth jigsaw puzzle of the quarantine. “And it was, for the first day or two. But realizing that you’re both going pants-less because you can’t be bothered to dress yourself is a real turnoff.”
“So, we thought, ‘how are we going to bring the sexual excitement back into our relationship?’” Gonzales asked, pausing to take a sip of red wine straight from the box. “And it hit us: let’s put our pants back on! It sounds like that would be the opposite of seductive, but it turns out that watching your partner complete even the most basic tasks during a pandemic is insanely erotic.”
She added: “This morning, I swapped my sports bra for a conservative button-up, and he nearly had a heart attack. We each threw on three scarves, two jackets, a balaclava, and went to town. At this point, we can’t climax if we can see each other’s bare skin.”
Couples therapist Karen Mulligan was quick to explain that this behaviour was not unique among couples weathering the pandemic together.
“My advice to partners who are feeling the libido-quashing effects of COVID-19 is to shake up your routines,” Mulligan said. “Instead of a boring strip tease to the sexy sounds of Marvin Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get It On’, try rolling freshly-laundered socks onto your feet while reciting the day’s grocery list. Change your usual water-saving morning shower into a debaucherous couples’ hand sanitizer orgy. Ladies, grow out your leg hair so your partner can erotically braid it.”
“The spark will be back sooner than you can say ‘ongoing global health crisis.'”
At press time, Monica and Tom had agreed that the sexiest either of them had ever found the other was when they forced themselves to wear jeans for a grand total of five minutes.


thebeaverton--2020-04-15--Local woman lowers ‘Live Laugh Love’ poster to half-mast

RIVERVIEW , NB – As COVID-19 projections predict mandated self isolation to remain in effect for several more months , local resident Helen De Angelo has lowered her Live Laugh Love poster to half mast , in an act of solidarity .
“ It just doesn ’ t feel right , having it hang up there , ” said Helen , via Skype .
“ These aren ’ t just three arbitrary words .
They ’ re principles – a way of life .
So , it will remain lowered until we can live laugh love like how we used @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Helen ’ s friends Val , Karen , and ‘ Shot-Gun ’ Liz – whose nickname derived from an ongoing joke where Liz would call shotgun whenever they took Helen ’ s Subaru to all-you-can eat sushi – stood by as Helen lowered the plaque .
“ It was pretty emotional , ” said Elizabeth ‘ Shot-gun ’ McMillian , who donned head to toe black Lululemons for the occasion.
” We paused the Tara Brach mindfulness CD so Val could play “ Hit Me With Your Best Shot ” on the bagpipes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and drilled a new hole into the drywall.
” The ceremony reportedly ended with a reading from O , Magazine , followed by a moment of silence .
As a further show of respect , the four women have also turned their Dance Like Nobody ’ s Watching Marilyn Monroe poster around to face the wall and flipped the reversible sequin over on their decorative pillows so that the embroidered ‘ Be Brave ’ was no longer showing .
“ Everyone is feeling it , ” affirmed Karen Goldmann , covering her monogrammed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scares you ’ mirror with a cloth “ And during these trying times , the last thing anyone needs is someone preaching about putting on a brave face .
Especially with Grace and Frankie entering its final season… ” “ It ’ s not like anyone is coming over anytime soon , right ?
” lamented Valerie Abrams after moving her ‘ Paris is always a good idea ’ mugs into storage .
“ With travel bans in effect , I can ’ t go to Paris .
I can ’ t even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ self proclaimed gal pals have collectively agreed to keep up ‘ Home is where the wine is ’ , as a reminder to stay indoors during the pandemic and show self-care .
At press time , all four of the women ’ s husbands were found separately lowering their Goodfellas posters in mourning until live sports return to television once again .

RIVERVIEW, NB – As COVID-19 projections predict mandated self isolation to remain in effect for several more months, local resident Helen De Angelo has lowered her Live Laugh Love poster to half mast, in an act of solidarity.
“It just doesn’t feel right, having it hang up there,” said Helen, via Skype. “These aren’t just three arbitrary words. They’re principles – a way of life. So, it will remain lowered until we can live laugh love like how we used to.”
In a zoom meeting, Helen’s friends Val, Karen, and ‘Shot-Gun’ Liz – whose nickname derived from an ongoing joke where Liz would call shotgun whenever they took Helen’s Subaru to all-you-can eat sushi – stood by as Helen lowered the plaque.
“It was pretty emotional,” said Elizabeth ‘Shot-gun’ McMillian, who donned head to toe black Lululemons for the occasion.”We paused the Tara Brach mindfulness CD so Val could play “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” on the bagpipes, as Helen slowly lowered the plaque and drilled a new hole into the drywall.”
The ceremony reportedly ended with a reading from O, Magazine, followed by a moment of silence.
As a further show of respect, the four women have also turned their Dance Like Nobody’s Watching Marilyn Monroe poster around to face the wall and flipped the reversible sequin over on their decorative pillows so that the embroidered ‘Be Brave’ was no longer showing.
“Everyone is feeling it,” affirmed Karen Goldmann, covering her monogrammed ‘Do one thing a day that scares you’ mirror with a cloth “And during these trying times, the last thing anyone needs is someone preaching about putting on a brave face. Especially with Grace and Frankie entering its final season…”
“It’s not like anyone is coming over anytime soon, right?” lamented Valerie Abrams after moving her ‘Paris is always a good idea’ mugs into storage. “With travel bans in effect, I can’t go to Paris. I can’t even go to Reitmans…”
Nonetheless, the self proclaimed gal pals have collectively agreed to keep up ‘Home is where the wine is’, as a reminder to stay indoors during the pandemic and show self-care.
At press time, all four of the women’s husbands were found separately lowering their Goodfellas posters in mourning until live sports return to television once again.


thebeaverton--2020-04-15--Local prisoner practices social distancing by escaping

Bath , ON – In an effort to prevent the spread of the COVID-19 virus , prison inmate Geoff Rogers has taken necessary measures to distance himself from others by escaping from the Millhaven Institute .
Many of Rogers ’ fellow convicts are not surprised by his health conscious actions .
“ Yeah , Geoff was really worried when he got the emergency alert off that burner phone he smuggled in , ” said Rogers ’ former cellmate Irwin ‘ Big Shank ’ McCarthy .
“ He probably would ’ ve made it out earlier if he didn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ part of the tunnel he dug.
” “ At first we thought he was just staying inside his cell to help flatten the curve , ” advised prison guard Louis Patterson .
“ But he really took it to the next level .
I just hope wherever he is , he ’ s keeping at least six feet away from any civilians and not just because of his three assault charges.
” COVID-19 has wreaked havoc on prison populations in the U.S. , with a number of inmates having already passed away .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Services Canada is taking numerous preventative measures including distributing extra hand sanitizer , closing down the exercise yard and not releasing non-violent offenders .
“ Everyone is taking it very seriously , ” said Patterson .
“ I ’ ve had so many prisoners calling me a ‘ fucking pig ’ so I ’ ll throw them in solitary .
And I ’ m more than happy to oblige !
” The manhunt for Rogers is already underway although police say it will be tough to find someone when literally everyone outdoors is @ @ @ @ @ @

Bath, ON – In an effort to prevent the spread of the COVID-19 virus, prison inmate Geoff Rogers has taken necessary measures to distance himself from others by escaping from the Millhaven Institute.
Many of Rogers’ fellow convicts are not surprised by his health conscious actions. “Yeah, Geoff was really worried when he got the emergency alert off that burner phone he smuggled in,” said Rogers’ former cellmate Irwin ‘Big Shank’ McCarthy. “He probably would’ve made it out earlier if he didn’t take the time to wipe down every part of the tunnel he dug.”
“At first we thought he was just staying inside his cell to help flatten the curve,” advised prison guard Louis Patterson. “But he really took it to the next level. I just hope wherever he is, he’s keeping at least six feet away from any civilians and not just because of his three assault charges.”
COVID-19 has wreaked havoc on prison populations in the U.S., with a number of inmates having already passed away. To avoid a similar catastrophe, Correctional Services Canada is taking numerous preventative measures including distributing extra hand sanitizer, closing down the exercise yard and not releasing non-violent offenders.
“Everyone is taking it very seriously,” said Patterson. “I’ve had so many prisoners calling me a ‘fucking pig’ so I’ll throw them in solitary. And I’m more than happy to oblige!”
The manhunt for Rogers is already underway although police say it will be tough to find someone when literally everyone outdoors is wearing masks over their faces.


thebeaverton--2020-04-14--Nation’s high school dance chaperones bravely volunteer to enforce social distancing

OTTAWA – Responding to an urgent need , high school dance chaperones from across the country have bravely volunteered to ensure that Canadians everywhere remain at least two metres apart from one another .
“ Hey !
” Kathleen Sullivan of St. Francis Secondary was heard shouting at two dog-walkers on her quiet suburban street .
“ That ’ s more like it , ” she added , once the strangers stepped farther apart .
“ I saw a lot of people on the internet who seemed to think that they could improve the situation just by posting an image @ @ @ @ @ @ @ writing an angry comment about it , and that ’ s when I knew I had to come out of retirement , ” explained 86 year old Regine Francoeur , formerly of John XXIII Secondary , while wielding a metre-stick like a weapon .
Municipal politicians in communities across Canada have debated the merits of relying on police enforcement to make sure that people keep their distance from one another while out in public , but eventually , it was agreed that cities needed to call upon the authorities with the most experience @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Holy Ghost .
“ I was out jogging this morning , and I was about to jog right by some pedestrians , ” stated one man who preferred not to be identified .
“ Suddenly I just felt these eyes staring at me , and I saw this old lady just slowly shaking her head .
I felt such a sudden wave of guilt I knew I had to cut a wider path around them .
I think I have to get a treadmill now.
” The jogger would neither confirm nor @ @ @ @ @ @ @ playlist that was “ sinful.
” While early reports seemed to indicate that the chaperones ’ efforts were successful in maintaining appropriate social distancing while in public , some studies are indicating that those benefits have been offset by a steep rise in people making out behind the portables .

OTTAWA – Responding to an urgent need, high school dance chaperones from across the country have bravely volunteered to ensure that Canadians everywhere remain at least two metres apart from one another.
“Hey!” Kathleen Sullivan of St. Francis Secondary was heard shouting at two dog-walkers on her quiet suburban street. “That’s more like it,” she added, once the strangers stepped farther apart.
“I saw a lot of people on the internet who seemed to think that they could improve the situation just by posting an image of a park full of folks and writing an angry comment about it, and that’s when I knew I had to come out of retirement,” explained 86 year old Regine Francoeur, formerly of John XXIII Secondary, while wielding a metre-stick like a weapon.
Municipal politicians in communities across Canada have debated the merits of relying on police enforcement to make sure that people keep their distance from one another while out in public, but eventually, it was agreed that cities needed to call upon the authorities with the most experience in how much space to leave for the Holy Ghost.
“I was out jogging this morning, and I was about to jog right by some pedestrians,” stated one man who preferred not to be identified. “Suddenly I just felt these eyes staring at me, and I saw this old lady just slowly shaking her head. I felt such a sudden wave of guilt I knew I had to cut a wider path around them. I think I have to get a treadmill now.” The jogger would neither confirm nor deny whether he was listening to a playlist that was “sinful.”
While early reports seemed to indicate that the chaperones’ efforts were successful in maintaining appropriate social distancing while in public, some studies are indicating that those benefits have been offset by a steep rise in people making out behind the portables.


thebeaverton--2020-04-14--Obama wholeheartedly endorses only option

WASHINGTON , DC – Former President Barack Obama has announced his enthusiastic support for Joe Biden by endorsing him over all other current Democratic candidates .
“ I can not think of a better candidate than Joe , who is also the only candidate .
Is that… have we checked that ?
We ’ re absolutely sure ?
Warren is definitely out ?
Sanders too ?
What about that Inslee guy , he seemed smart , is there any chance he… ?
No .
Okay .
Joe it is , ” Obama said in a video he released today endorsing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be critical to the Democrats ’ chances of taking back the White House in November , refused to support any specific candidate during the crowded and contentious Democratic primary , instead relying on cryptic hints to steer primary voters , like “ please don ’ t let nostalgia guide you ” and “ I sure hope the candidate is someone who has the best PLANS for the FUTURE and doesn ’ t rely solely on past associations.
” “ I know Joe very well , and his accomplishments during my administration are numerous @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was the time he stood behind me as I signed the Affordable Care Act , the time he sat next to me as I oversaw the mission to take out Osama bin Laden , and of course the time he held my umbrella as we got off Air Force One .
If you need a president who can hold a good umbrella , Joe ’ s your guy.
” Obama concluded his endorsement by stating that “ Joe is a [ unintelligible mumbles ] man .
He ’ s the candidate we have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Just great .
He ’ s a good… uh , he ’ s a good… choice .
Yes sir .
Good choice .
Excellent choice .
Really [ massive sigh ] just , a great good choice.
” The Biden campaign is taking advantage of the publicity they ’ re receiving after Obama ’ s ringing endorsement to unveil their new campaign slogan : “ Vote Biden .
You have to .
”

WASHINGTON, DC – Former President Barack Obama has announced his enthusiastic support for Joe Biden by endorsing him over all other current Democratic candidates.
“I cannot think of a better candidate than Joe, who is also the only candidate. Is that… have we checked that? We’re absolutely sure? Warren is definitely out? Sanders too? What about that Inslee guy, he seemed smart, is there any chance he…? No. Okay. Joe it is,” Obama said in a video he released today endorsing Biden.
Obama, whose endorsement will be critical to the Democrats’ chances of taking back the White House in November, refused to support any specific candidate during the crowded and contentious Democratic primary, instead relying on cryptic hints to steer primary voters, like “please don’t let nostalgia guide you” and “I sure hope the candidate is someone who has the best PLANS for the FUTURE and doesn’t rely solely on past associations.”
“I know Joe very well, and his accomplishments during my administration are numerous,” said Obama. “There was the time he stood behind me as I signed the Affordable Care Act, the time he sat next to me as I oversaw the mission to take out Osama bin Laden, and of course the time he held my umbrella as we got off Air Force One. If you need a president who can hold a good umbrella, Joe’s your guy.”
Obama concluded his endorsement by stating that “Joe is a [unintelligible mumbles] man. He’s the candidate we have, and that’s… great. Just great. He’s a good… uh, he’s a good… choice. Yes sir. Good choice. Excellent choice. Really [massive sigh] just, a great good choice.”
The Biden campaign is taking advantage of the publicity they’re receiving after Obama’s ringing endorsement to unveil their new campaign slogan: “Vote Biden. You have to.”


thebeaverton--2020-04-14--To soothe nation, Trudeau delivers daily address in ASMR

OTTAWA – Realizing the traumatic nature of the current pandemic , Justin Trudeau has sought to further reassure Canadians by delivering his daily address in a whispering tone designed to elicit autonomous sensory meridian response , or ASMR .
“ I know this is a trying time but as Canadians we must pull together.
” whispered Trudeau into a microphone , while combing his hair “ That ’ s why I wanted to add a little tingle to everyone ’ s quarantine.
” Government officials provided an official definition of ASMR , which is a mildly euphoric experience such as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and audio stimuli .
The spokesperson from the Prime Ministers Office also reiterated ASMR is not a sex thing .
“ For me it is definitely a sex thing , ” said Toronto resident Jess Brison .
Over the last week Trudeau has described Quebec ’ s high infection rate while gently crinkling some paper , announced the passage of a wage subsidy bill with a mouth full of food and stressed the importance of continuing social distancing while softly stroking an N95 mask .
“ I ’ m not sure how to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of a pins and needles feeling when he talks.
” said Langley resident Lara Lane “ I don ’ t know if I like it but it definitely takes my mind off how society is completely collapsing.
” Taking a different approach , Andrew Scheer has stated that , in order to provide a sense of normalcy to Canadians , he will continue to communicate with the same whiny , annoying voice he did before the pandemic .

OTTAWA – Realizing the traumatic nature of the current pandemic, Justin Trudeau has sought to further reassure Canadians by delivering his daily address in a whispering tone designed to elicit autonomous sensory meridian response, or ASMR.
“I know this is a trying time but as Canadians we must pull together.” whispered Trudeau into a microphone, while combing his hair “That’s why I wanted to add a little tingle to everyone’s quarantine.”
Government officials provided an official definition of ASMR, which is a mildly euphoric experience such as tingling that is triggered by certain visual and audio stimuli. The spokesperson from the Prime Ministers Office also reiterated ASMR is not a sex thing.
“For me it is definitely a sex thing,” said Toronto resident Jess Brison.
Over the last week Trudeau has described Quebec’s high infection rate while gently crinkling some paper, announced the passage of a wage subsidy bill with a mouth full of food and stressed the importance of continuing social distancing while softly stroking an N95 mask.
“I’m not sure how to describe it, I get a kind of a pins and needles feeling when he talks.” said Langley resident Lara Lane “I don’t know if I like it but it definitely takes my mind off how society is completely collapsing.”
Taking a different approach, Andrew Scheer has stated that, in order to provide a sense of normalcy to Canadians, he will continue to communicate with the same whiny, annoying voice he did before the pandemic.


thebeaverton--2020-04-14--Local hipster keeps telling everyone he was on EI before it was cool

EAST VANCOUVER – In the midst of a global pandemic , the government is scrambling to assist those who are struggling financially .
While Canadians are trying to cope with losing their jobs , hipster Travis Gambardella is reminding everyone that he was unemployed before it was cool .
“ I liked the government of Canada ’ s earlier work , ” Gambardella said about the newest policies , “ Employment Insurance had such nuance to it , CERB is now popularized and mainstream… Frankly it ’ s pedestrian and tacky.
” Gambardella , a self-proclaimed cultural critic who studies @ @ @ @ @ @ @ BIG SHINY TUNES album covers , has been living off of Employment Insurance for the past five years .
He has recently been trying to make it as a stick n ’ poke tattoo artist , finding the majority of his clients in the thrash-folk section of record stores .
He sends screenshots of their conversations to Service Canada to prove he ’ s been actively looking for a job .
This was not the first time Gambardella has bragged about being ahead of the curve .
He notes that he was listening @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Aeroplane Over the Sea , watching Wes Anderson before The Royal Tenenbaums , and getting dreadlocks before white women like Kylie Jenner .
While claiming to be focused on his own work , Gambardella still had time to reflect on society as a whole .
“ It ’ s the decline of humanity , ” said Gambardella , “ Not because of the pandemic or anything , it ’ s because people are being depressed and making bread when they really should be depressed and reading the seminal works of Haruki Murakami .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Despite his changed opinions due to the popularization of Employment Insurance , Gambardella continues to promote obscure policies such as fair wages for frontline workers , universal health care including dental , and eating the rich .

EAST VANCOUVER – In the midst of a global pandemic, the government is scrambling to assist those who are struggling financially. While Canadians are trying to cope with losing their jobs, hipster Travis Gambardella is reminding everyone that he was unemployed before it was cool.
“I liked the government of Canada’s earlier work,” Gambardella said about the newest policies, “Employment Insurance had such nuance to it, CERB is now popularized and mainstream… Frankly it’s pedestrian and tacky.”
Gambardella, a self-proclaimed cultural critic who studies the semiotics of Much Music’s BIG SHINY TUNES album covers, has been living off of Employment Insurance for the past five years. He has recently been trying to make it as a stick n’ poke tattoo artist, finding the majority of his clients in the thrash-folk section of record stores. He sends screenshots of their conversations to Service Canada to prove he’s been actively looking for a job.
This was not the first time Gambardella has bragged about being ahead of the curve. He notes that he was listening to Neutral Milk Hotel before In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, watching Wes Anderson before The Royal Tenenbaums, and getting dreadlocks before white women like Kylie Jenner.
While claiming to be focused on his own work, Gambardella still had time to reflect on society as a whole.
“It’s the decline of humanity,” said Gambardella, “Not because of the pandemic or anything, it’s because people are being depressed and making bread when they really should be depressed and reading the seminal works of Haruki Murakami. Get your priorities straight people!”
Despite his changed opinions due to the popularization of Employment Insurance, Gambardella continues to promote obscure policies such as fair wages for frontline workers, universal health care including dental, and eating the rich.


thebeaverton--2020-04-13--Secret government lab where coronavirus was created going to have serious talk with staff about this

LOCATION CLASSIFIED – The top secret government laboratory located in LOCATION REDACTED where the novel coronavirus was first concocted has confirmed that they will be calling an all-employees staff meeting to have a firm chat about this whole mess .
“ We ’ re typically a pretty productive and secure facility but there ’ s no two ways about this , ” said Dr. NAME REDACTED , Chief Virologist at the lab , “ someone here made a serious boo-boo and we ’ re all going to have a sit down and rap about a little thing called ‘ responsibility @ @ @ @ @ @ @ known for previous successful products like Ebola and Kennel Cough , is known in the industry for having a generally fun and positive work-environment .
In between development of horrific , body-destroying pathogens , researchers are able to lead relatively normal lives free from the pressures of meeting their infectivity targets .
However , experts believe that this same focus on fun over containment procedures is probably the same thing that led to a real boner that caused a worldwide pandemic .
“ Look everyone , I ’ m not even mad .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ that we figure out who accidentally punched in the 16 digit alpha-numeric code to open the gestation chamber , simultaneously turned the three keys to open the mag-locks sealing the microbe capsule , and then didn ’ t realize they still had the virus in their pocket when they next went shopping , ” ANONYMOUS OFFICIAL stated to assembled employees in the lab ’ s Refreshment Nook .
“ In fact , if someone just puts the now empty Contagion Vial back on my office desk before the end of day , there @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll assume everyone has learned a very valuable lesson , ” he continued , “ Guys , I don ’ t want to be a hard-ass about this but if this sort of thing keeps happening , then eventually we ’ re just going to cancel Cheesecake Wednesdays until everyone gets the message.
” The lab believes it has narrowed down the source of the breach , ruling out researchers currently assigned to the Hyper Polio and Turbo AIDS projects .
Though some individuals pose that it might have been NAME REDACTED @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it was more likely to have been NAME REDACTED .
Insiders also report that senior leaders are most embarrassed by the fact that the virus was not even complete at the time of the mistaken release .
The former project manager suggested that they typically pride themselves on a much higher mortality rate than a shameful 1-4 % .
“ Boy are we red-faced , ” reported LAB EMPLOYEE # 4729 , “ I mean , cards on the table , this was a real whoopsie.
” Though the investigation is still ongoing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their manager that it was probably Jeff .

LOCATION CLASSIFIED – The top secret government laboratory located in LOCATION REDACTED where the novel coronavirus was first concocted has confirmed that they will be calling an all-employees staff meeting to have a firm chat about this whole mess.
“We’re typically a pretty productive and secure facility but there’s no two ways about this,” said Dr. NAME REDACTED, Chief Virologist at the lab, “someone here made a serious boo-boo and we’re all going to have a sit down and rap about a little thing called ‘responsibility’.”
The facility, well known for previous successful products like Ebola and Kennel Cough, is known in the industry for having a generally fun and positive work-environment. In between development of horrific, body-destroying pathogens, researchers are able to lead relatively normal lives free from the pressures of meeting their infectivity targets. However, experts believe that this same focus on fun over containment procedures is probably the same thing that led to a real boner that caused a worldwide pandemic.
“Look everyone, I’m not even mad. It’s just so super-duper important that we figure out who accidentally punched in the 16 digit alpha-numeric code to open the gestation chamber, simultaneously turned the three keys to open the mag-locks sealing the microbe capsule, and then didn’t realize they still had the virus in their pocket when they next went shopping,” ANONYMOUS OFFICIAL stated to assembled employees in the lab’s Refreshment Nook.
“In fact, if someone just puts the now empty Contagion Vial back on my office desk before the end of day, there will be no more questions and I’ll assume everyone has learned a very valuable lesson,” he continued, “Guys, I don’t want to be a hard-ass about this but if this sort of thing keeps happening, then eventually we’re just going to cancel Cheesecake Wednesdays until everyone gets the message.”
The lab believes it has narrowed down the source of the breach, ruling out researchers currently assigned to the Hyper Polio and Turbo AIDS projects. Though some individuals pose that it might have been NAME REDACTED who released the virus, other say it was more likely to have been NAME REDACTED.
Insiders also report that senior leaders are most embarrassed by the fact that the virus was not even complete at the time of the mistaken release. The former project manager suggested that they typically pride themselves on a much higher mortality rate than a shameful 1-4%.
“Boy are we red-faced,” reported LAB EMPLOYEE #4729, “I mean, cards on the table, this was a real whoopsie.”
Though the investigation is still ongoing, most employees have politely suggested to their manager that it was probably Jeff.


thebeaverton--2020-04-13--Dynamic modeling predicts end of quarantine to be absolute horned-up fuckfest

OTTAWA – In a Facebook Live press conference , Chief Public Health Officer Dr. Theresa Tam released numbers based on dynamic modeling that project the end of self-isolation will be a sopping wet , free-for-all , dong-swinging , clit-sucking , bone-a-thon .
“ Once restrictions are lifted , our models predict people will be 69-ing 24/7 , ” stated Dr. Tam .
Public health experts say these are important numbers to keep in mind as single Canadians weather the lockdown .
“ We have to focus on flattening curves , so we can get back to riding them , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the audience of journalists .
However , others are cautioning that the “ epic dick down ” will come with its own set of problems .
“ At its peak , we ’ ll be seeing people reach climax several times an hour , ” cautioned the Deputy Minister of Health Dr. Stephen Lucas .
“ Extrapolate that on a nation-wide level and factor in scenarios like orgies… and the numbers are truly staggering.
” Lucas predicts the end of self-isolation will bring about a new set of public health issues like an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ severe face-sitting related injuries .
The Canadian Chiropractic Association is already preparing resources in anticipation of the record number of backs being blown out .
Until social distancing measures are lessened , single Canadians are advised to continue with coping mechanisms such as video chat dates , pornography , and forming meaningful emotional connections with Animal Crossing characters .

OTTAWA – In a Facebook Live press conference, Chief Public Health Officer Dr. Theresa Tam released numbers based on dynamic modeling that project the end of self-isolation will be a sopping wet, free-for-all, dong-swinging, clit-sucking, bone-a-thon.
“Once restrictions are lifted, our models predict people will be 69-ing 24/7,” stated Dr. Tam.
Public health experts say these are important numbers to keep in mind as single Canadians weather the lockdown.
“We have to focus on flattening curves, so we can get back to riding them,” assured Dr. Tam, winking suggestively to the audience of journalists.
However, others are cautioning that the “epic dick down” will come with its own set of problems.
“At its peak, we’ll be seeing people reach climax several times an hour,” cautioned the Deputy Minister of Health Dr. Stephen Lucas. “Extrapolate that on a nation-wide level and factor in scenarios like orgies… and the numbers are truly staggering.”
Lucas predicts the end of self-isolation will bring about a new set of public health issues like an increase in STIs, unwanted pregnancies and severe face-sitting related injuries.
The Canadian Chiropractic Association is already preparing resources in anticipation of the record number of backs being blown out.
Until social distancing measures are lessened, single Canadians are advised to continue with coping mechanisms such as video chat dates, pornography, and forming meaningful emotional connections with Animal Crossing characters.


thebeaverton--2020-04-13--Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again

MONTREAL – The City of Montreal has decided to halt all road construction due to COVID-19 making it impossible for commuters to enjoy traffic delays as they usually do .
“ One of the pinnacles of Montreal living is constant , migraine-inducing traffic , ” said Mayor Valerie Plante .
“ To continue construction under present circumstances would be a terrible waste and so the city has decided to halt all construction until we can all enjoy it once more.
” “ But don ’ t worry , as soon as we are all allowed back outside again , that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the city ’ s major streets for an indeterminate amount of time , ” she added .
The ban on construction was inspired by an online petition created by many construction workers who were deeply concerned about how much getting construction completed while everyone was off the roads would be a missed opportunity .
“ The best part of everyone ’ s day is seeing me , ” said John Frank , the guy who holds the stop sign .
“ I walk in the middle of the Turcot interchange , I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I laugh , they scream , we all have such a good time !
I truly think it would be awful for any of my car-bound friends to miss a moment of that back and forth.
” The city is also reassuring residents that , once quarantine is lifted , potholes will be just as large and just as many of the sidewalks will be flooded by water main breaks .
In order to ease civilians into a life without traffic , the government is offering a service where construction workers will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kitchen to look the same 7 times , and make it difficult to get around the house .
“ I can ’ t sleep without the sound of a jackhammer in the background , ” said Mary Smith .
“ But thanks to Larry and the boys coming over every day at 11 pm to work loud and scream obscenities at each other , now I sleep like a baby.
” In related news the lack of construction work has caused the mob to report a 200 million dollar loss for the first @ @

MONTREAL – The City of Montreal has decided to halt all road construction due to COVID-19 making it impossible for commuters to enjoy traffic delays as they usually do.
“One of the pinnacles of Montreal living is constant, migraine-inducing traffic,” said Mayor Valerie Plante. “To continue construction under present circumstances would be a terrible waste and so the city has decided to halt all construction until we can all enjoy it once more.”
“But don’t worry, as soon as we are all allowed back outside again, that is when we will shut down 3-4 of the city’s major streets for an indeterminate amount of time,” she added.
The ban on construction was inspired by an online petition created by many construction workers who were deeply concerned about how much getting construction completed while everyone was off the roads would be a missed opportunity.
“The best part of everyone’s day is seeing me,” said John Frank, the guy who holds the stop sign. “I walk in the middle of the Turcot interchange, I show them the sign, they honk, I laugh, they scream, we all have such a good time! I truly think it would be awful for any of my car-bound friends to miss a moment of that back and forth.”
The city is also reassuring residents that, once quarantine is lifted, potholes will be just as large and just as many of the sidewalks will be flooded by water main breaks.
In order to ease civilians into a life without traffic, the government is offering a service where construction workers will come to your home, remodel your kitchen to look the same 7 times, and make it difficult to get around the house.
“I can’t sleep without the sound of a jackhammer in the background,” said Mary Smith. “But thanks to Larry and the boys coming over every day at 11 pm to work loud and scream obscenities at each other, now I sleep like a baby.”
In related news the lack of construction work has caused the mob to report a 200 million dollar loss for the first quarter.


thebeaverton--2020-01-06--Trump terrified to learn GI Joe action figures he talks to actual generals

WASHINGTON , DC – President Donald Trump has expressed abject horror on discovering that the small GI Joe figures he plays with are actually high-ranking U.S. officials with the authority to implement real-life military assaults .
“ I dunno , I just thought they were cool and tough and scary and they wore army uniforms because they were tough guys , and also that they were plastic GI Joes like I had when I was a kid ” the 73-year old President told reporters .
The President ’ s error was reportedly called to his attention after he attempted to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dip him in a large bowl of soup he was supposed to eat for lunch .
“ I was going to do a thing where the army guy was gon na fly over a lake and be like “ pow pow pow ” with his guns at the lake , but then I tried to pick him up and he was way too heavy to lift and also he said ‘ Mr .
President , please stop touching me , I ’ m General Mark A. Millay , Chairman of the Joint Chiefs @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all I could think was , oooh , when I made the Joes bomb Iraq that must not have been a cartoon explosion , ” Trump admitted .
The President reportedly became terrified when he realized that the figures continued to talk , and even moved around after he left the room .
“ It ’ s so creepy !
Are they touching my stuff ?
Are they moving my chair around ?
Are they .
.
.
Are they talking about me ?
” At press time , the President had reportedly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rode in that one time ” had in fact actually gone underwater .

WASHINGTON, DC – President Donald Trump has expressed abject horror on discovering that the small GI Joe figures he plays with are actually high-ranking U.S. officials with the authority to implement real-life military assaults.
“I dunno, I just thought they were cool and tough and scary and they wore army uniforms because they were tough guys, and also that they were plastic GI Joes like I had when I was a kid” the 73-year old President told reporters.
The President’s error was reportedly called to his attention after he attempted to pick one of the generals up and dip him in a large bowl of soup he was supposed to eat for lunch.
“I was going to do a thing where the army guy was gonna fly over a lake and be like “pow pow pow” with his guns at the lake, but then I tried to pick him up and he was way too heavy to lift and also he said ‘Mr. President, please stop touching me, I’m General Mark A. Millay, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,’”
“And all I could think was, oooh, when I made the Joes bomb Iraq that must not have been a cartoon explosion,” Trump admitted.
The President reportedly became terrified when he realized that the figures continued to talk, and even moved around after he left the room.
“It’s so creepy! Are they touching my stuff? Are they moving my chair around? Are they . . . Are they talking about me?”
At press time, the President had reportedly expressed horror that the submarine he “rode in that one time” had in fact actually gone underwater.


thebeaverton--2020-01-06--US Customs conduct 8 hour interrogation on Persian rug

BLAINE , WA – U.S. Customs and Border Protection Services have detained a Persian rug as it attempted to enter the US at the Peace Arch Crossing along the BC-Washington border .
US border agents became suspicious of the Kashan rug based on its name , unusual asymmetrical knots , and elaborate , hand-crafted designs that they believe could be used as “ some kind of code.
” “ The rug ’ s origins were clearly from Iran , ” said a heavily armed CBP agent who specializes in inanimate object interrogation .
“ It claimed to work in interior @ @ @ @ @ @ @ room by adding more colour , but the patterns were very suspicious-looking .
We believe that the rug could have also been taking jobs away from plain , American rugs you use for a bath mat purchased at Bed , Bath , and Beyond.
” American authorities were not convinced that the colourful $ 2,000 item would make a small room feel more cozy .
“ The carpet thought it had an elaborately woven story , but the weft kept changing direction , so we denied entry , ” added the border guard @ @ @ @ @ @ @ new policy was put in place to target people of Iranian origin since they always racially profile travellers who are not white .
Meanwhile , the Congressional Cafeteria in Washington , DC has renamed kebabs to Patriot Meat Sticks .

BLAINE, WA – U.S. Customs and Border Protection Services have detained a Persian rug as it attempted to enter the US at the Peace Arch Crossing along the BC-Washington border.
US border agents became suspicious of the Kashan rug based on its name, unusual asymmetrical knots, and elaborate, hand-crafted designs that they believe could be used as “some kind of code.”
“The rug’s origins were clearly from Iran,” said a heavily armed CBP agent who specializes in inanimate object interrogation. “It claimed to work in interior design by uplifting someone’s living room by adding more colour, but the patterns were very suspicious-looking. We believe that the rug could have also been taking jobs away from plain, American rugs you use for a bath mat purchased at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.”
American authorities were not convinced that the colourful $2,000 item would make a small room feel more cozy.
“The carpet thought it had an elaborately woven story, but the weft kept changing direction, so we denied entry,” added the border guard.
The CBP has denied that a new policy was put in place to target people of Iranian origin since they always racially profile travellers who are not white.
Meanwhile, the Congressional Cafeteria in Washington, DC has renamed kebabs to Patriot Meat Sticks.


thebeaverton--2020-01-05--TSN camera wins World Juniors gold medal

OSTRAVA , CZ – The TSN centre ice camera has won gold at the IIHF World Juniors in the Czech @ @ @ @ @ Canada .
The camera , who played at every game at the arena showed a @ @ @ @ @ skill , and presence .
Its defining moment was when the 14-foot-tall video camera deflected @ @ @ @ @ referees who declined to give a two-minute delay of game to Canada denying the Russian @ @ @ @ @ , and likely the tying goal .
The exhausted , yet happy camera joined the @ @ @ @ @ ice to receive its medal , and hoist the trophy to its tall perch .
@ @ @ @ @ on the game , ” said Team Canada ’ s coach Dale Hunter about the @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Couldn ’ t have done it without him.
” The camera is currently @ @ @ @ @ Canadiens and the Carolina Hurricanes .
At press time , the refs continued to call @ @ @ @ @ game ended .

OSTRAVA, CZ – The TSN centre ice camera has won gold at the IIHF World Juniors in the Czech Republic on behalf of Team Canada.
The camera, who played at every game at the arena showed a tremendous amount of talent, skill, and presence.
Its defining moment was when the 14-foot-tall video camera deflected a shot that confused the referees who declined to give a two-minute delay of game to Canada denying the Russian team from a 6-on-3 man-advantage, and likely the tying goal.
The exhausted, yet happy camera joined the triumphant Canadian team on the ice to receive its medal, and hoist the trophy to its tall perch.
“It was really focused on the game,” said Team Canada’s coach Dale Hunter about the $50,000 piece of equipment. “Couldn’t have done it without him.”
The camera is currently being scouted by the Montreal Canadiens and the Carolina Hurricanes.
At press time, the refs continued to call penalties 10 minutes after the game ended.


thebeaverton--2020-01-05--Earth immediately breaks New Years resolution to lose 1.5 degrees

LUNGS OF THE EARTH , AMAZON – After publicly promising it was going to be a ‘ new year , new me ’ for the fifteenth year in a row since Al Gore ’ s An Inconvenient Truth , Earth has once again immediately broken its new year ’ s resolution to finally lose that pesky 1.5 degrees .
Earth , who started the year optimistic that this was ‘ finally going to be the year it got its act together , ’ instantly burnt out on unrealistic goals to lose the environmentally significant 1.5 degrees as fast as possible @ @ @ @ @ @ @ solar and nuclear energy .
Impatient to see the long-term results , witnesses report that Earth quickly fell back into old patterns – erratic mood swings , binging on fossil fuels , and completely forgetting to have enough freshwater .
Failing to follow through on yet another new year ’ s goal , Earth spiralled into a pit of shame and despair , swallowing most of California in seemingly unrelated sinkholes .
A long-time fan , Eden Blahsomer , gave the inside scoop after pressing her ear up against a nearby tree : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a bit of a rough patch .
It ’ s not like Earth to be in such lousy condition.
” Critics were unconvinced citing a history of self-sabotaging behaviour , “ This is the same Earth that , in a similar frenzy of panic and guilt , subscribed to The Paris Agreement in 2016 , and has done absolutely nothing except spend the last 4 years trying to unsubscribe from it .
Unfortunately , this has been easier than cancelling a membership at Goodlife Fitness.
” To this end , many believe this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ heard about the adverse effects of factory farming on the environment , briefly considered going vegan , but became instantly turned off from the idea of 8 billion people simultaneously posting pro-fauna propaganda on its social feed .
Rumour has it that since simply cutting fossil fuels is ‘ just too hard ’ , Earth is now contemplating ‘ really getting into intermittent fasting ’ .
This detoxification method would mean that billions would starve in a Mad Max-esque land of desolation .
While many remain skeptical , experts say it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be temporary – give or take a few hundred years .
Earth , who has reportedly hit rock bottom , commented on its latest disappointment : “ I guess I just assumed that my man , Elon Musk , would have created some kind of useful solution to this ordeal by now , but every day he less interested in me and more interested in thots like Mars.
” Distressed and relapsing into wildfire blazes and global heatwaves , what was supposed to be Earth ’ s innocent ‘ hot girl summer ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ inferno .
This news brings to light the shocking truth that Earth has also broken its resolution to finally quit smoking .

LUNGS OF THE EARTH, AMAZON – After publicly promising it was going to be a ‘new year, new me’ for the fifteenth year in a row since Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth, Earth has once again immediately broken its new year’s resolution to finally lose that pesky 1.5 degrees.
Earth, who started the year optimistic that this was ‘finally going to be the year it got its act together,’ instantly burnt out on unrealistic goals to lose the environmentally significant 1.5 degrees as fast as possible, using fad solutions like wind, solar and nuclear energy. Impatient to see the long-term results, witnesses report that Earth quickly fell back into old patterns – erratic mood swings, binging on fossil fuels, and completely forgetting to have enough freshwater.
Failing to follow through on yet another new year’s goal, Earth spiralled into a pit of shame and despair, swallowing most of California in seemingly unrelated sinkholes. A long-time fan, Eden Blahsomer, gave the inside scoop after pressing her ear up against a nearby tree: “It’s just going through a bit of a rough patch. It’s not like Earth to be in such lousy condition.”
Critics were unconvinced citing a history of self-sabotaging behaviour, “This is the same Earth that, in a similar frenzy of panic and guilt, subscribed to The Paris Agreement in 2016, and has done absolutely nothing except spend the last 4 years trying to unsubscribe from it. Unfortunately, this has been easier than cancelling a membership at Goodlife Fitness.”
To this end, many believe this incident is reminiscent of the time Earth heard about the adverse effects of factory farming on the environment, briefly considered going vegan, but became instantly turned off from the idea of 8 billion people simultaneously posting pro-fauna propaganda on its social feed.
Rumour has it that since simply cutting fossil fuels is ‘just too hard’, Earth is now contemplating ‘really getting into intermittent fasting’. This detoxification method would mean that billions would starve in a Mad Max-esque land of desolation. While many remain skeptical, experts say it’s “totally natural” and would only be temporary – give or take a few hundred years.
Earth, who has reportedly hit rock bottom, commented on its latest disappointment: “I guess I just assumed that my man, Elon Musk, would have created some kind of useful solution to this ordeal by now, but every day he less interested in me and more interested in thots like Mars.”
Distressed and relapsing into wildfire blazes and global heatwaves, what was supposed to be Earth’s innocent ‘hot girl summer’ has undoubtedly transformed into an all-season nightmare inferno. This news brings to light the shocking truth that Earth has also broken its resolution to finally quit smoking.


thebeaverton--2020-01-04--Screaming child becomes official mascot of Costco

ISSAQUAH , WA – Wholesale retailer Costco has unveiled the screaming child as the mascot for all of its stores @ @ @ @ @ a child having a catastrophic meltdown without cause is what most people commonly associate with @ @ @ @ @ stores .
“ When people hear one or more wails , screams , or whines @ @ @ @ @ they think of Costco , ” said Costco ’ s Executive Junior Vice President C.J @ @ @ @ @ loud complaints can be heard echoing through our massive stores as their parents try desperately @ @ @ @ @ nothing at all.
” The screaming child mascots will be displayed throughout stores across North @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Truly , it is our company ’ s in-store music that you can @ @ @ @ @ ” added Barton .

ISSAQUAH, WA – Wholesale retailer Costco has unveiled the screaming child as the mascot for all of its stores.
After extensive research, a child having a catastrophic meltdown without cause is what most people commonly associate with whenever they walk into their stores.
“When people hear one or more wails, screams, or whines from a tiny person, they think of Costco,” said Costco’s Executive Junior Vice President C.J. Barton. “Their loud complaints can be heard echoing through our massive stores as their parents try desperately to calm them or do nothing at all.”
The screaming child mascots will be displayed throughout stores across North America, especially on weekends.
“Truly, it is our company’s in-store music that you can’t turn off,” added Barton.


thebeaverton--2020-01-03--Motorola Razr returns with all of your middle school selfies pre-downloaded

CHICAGO , IL — Motorola recently announced the re-release of the once-ubiquitous Motorola Razr which will still be a sleek , pocket sized flip-phone , but this time with smartphone technology and all of your middle school selfies pre-downloaded .
“ We wanted the nostalgia of the flip-phone as well as the excitement of seeing the hundreds , in some cases thousands , of selfies you took in your bathroom mirror , ” stated Motorola CEO Greg Brown , who clearly doesn ’ t get it .
For years , Motorola has been looking for a way to merge smartphone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and they ’ ve finally done it .
At no extra cost , the included images will highlight such sentimental torture as the time you experimented with a deep side part , not unlike the incumbent President of the United States .
Other pictures feature your truly heinous orthodontia , and with the new HD photo rendering you can see every bracket , elastic , and old piece of corn in excruciating detail .
The new phone will also include your entire Limewire library , with timeless classics like “ Airplanes ” by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Soulja Boy , and the heartfelt ballad , “ Buy You a Drank ( Shawty Snappin ’ ) by T-Pain .
Fans of the former Razr model will be thrilled to see the sleek 2008 design return and even more excited to note that their background is still that picture of everyone ’ s feet in a circle .
For others , it may be the picture of hands joining together to make a star .
“ I thought it would be fun to get the new Razr but once I turned it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my fourteen year old self doing the kissy face and peace sign in my grandparents bathroom , ” stated unhappy customer Sydney Gilcrest , who called Motorola to have the pictures removed .
Gilcrest was immediately denied due to the terms of her contract , which state that the selfies are “ hardwired in ” and “ impossible to remove.
” The idea to include the pictures was the brainchild of senior software engineer Brittany Crandell , who never endured an awkward phase in her teen years so saw no reason why this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and cute ” addition to the revamped phone .
“ I thought I ’ d removed all evidence of them , ” stated a visibly distressed Andrew Johannson who chucked his phone into the sea when he saw the picture of his teen-self shirtless , flexing his non-muscles and running a hand threw his frost-tipped hair .
At press time , Motorola ’ s competitor , Blackberry , announced it would be releasing a new model featuring all your BBMs asking your parents for money .

CHICAGO, IL — Motorola recently announced the re-release of the once-ubiquitous Motorola Razr which will still be a sleek, pocket sized flip-phone, but this time with smartphone technology and all of your middle school selfies pre-downloaded.
“We wanted the nostalgia of the flip-phone as well as the excitement of seeing the hundreds, in some cases thousands, of selfies you took in your bathroom mirror,” stated Motorola CEO Greg Brown, who clearly doesn’t get it.
For years, Motorola has been looking for a way to merge smartphone technology with pictures from your adolescence, and they’ve finally done it. At no extra cost, the included images will highlight such sentimental torture as the time you experimented with a deep side part, not unlike the incumbent President of the United States. Other pictures feature your truly heinous orthodontia, and with the new HD photo rendering you can see every bracket, elastic, and old piece of corn in excruciating detail.
The new phone will also include your entire Limewire library, with timeless classics like “Airplanes” by B.o.B, “Crank that” by Soulja Boy, and the heartfelt ballad, “Buy You a Drank (Shawty Snappin’) by T-Pain.
Fans of the former Razr model will be thrilled to see the sleek 2008 design return and even more excited to note that their background is still that picture of everyone’s feet in a circle. For others, it may be the picture of hands joining together to make a star.
“I thought it would be fun to get the new Razr but once I turned it on I was accosted with pictures of my fourteen year old self doing the kissy face and peace sign in my grandparents bathroom,” stated unhappy customer Sydney Gilcrest, who called Motorola to have the pictures removed. Gilcrest was immediately denied due to the terms of her contract, which state that the selfies are “hardwired in” and “impossible to remove.”
The idea to include the pictures was the brainchild of senior software engineer Brittany Crandell, who never endured an awkward phase in her teen years so saw no reason why this wouldn’t be “a fun and cute” addition to the revamped phone.
“I thought I’d removed all evidence of them,” stated a visibly distressed Andrew Johannson who chucked his phone into the sea when he saw the picture of his teen-self shirtless, flexing his non-muscles and running a hand threw his frost-tipped hair.
At press time, Motorola’s competitor, Blackberry, announced it would be releasing a new model featuring all your BBMs asking your parents for money.


thebeaverton--2020-01-03--Canada’s military advisers unsure if they should be training Iraqi army to fight ISIS, Iran, or US

BAGHDAD – Canadian soldiers deployed on a NATO mission training Iraqi troops are now unsure whether they are preparing Iraq to fight ISIS , Iran , or the United States .
The deployment of 250 soldiers based in Baghdad debated who the Iraqi army would be fighting in the next few years after US President Donald Trump escalated tensions in the region with Iran .
“ While I thought we were here to help Iraq defeat Daesh , I hear Iran might be a thing , ” said one Canadian major pointing at a map of the Middle East .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ a navy in addition to proxy militias in Iraq .
They ’ re clearly destabilizing Iraq , so we ’ ll need to change the training routine.
” “ No , ISIS is still a threat , Sir , ” chimed a crusty warrant officer .
“ Remember how Trump allowed Turkey to invade Syria to fight the Kurds and all of those ISIL prisoners escaped ?
Something tells me they ’ ll be back.
” A curious captain took out his fieldpad to scribble down the pros and cons of each potential @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and confused .
“ The Americans are the ones who really destabilized the whole region almost two decades ago , ” said one sergeant while directing a police cadet how to use an AK-47 .
“ The US went ahead and violated Iraq ’ s sovereignty by killing that Iranian general and has involved their country in a conflict they don ’ t want .
We should be training these guys how to take on a world ’ s superpower who has a long history of starting wars.
” Some agreed that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Iraqi people ’ s existence , while others posited that the enemy changed on an hourly basis .
“ Wait , when did the US invade Iraq ?
” asked a 25-year-old master corporal who was only seven-years-old when US President George Bush invaded the country under the false pretense of stopping Saddam Hussein ’ s nuclear weapon development .
According to a poll , 92 % of Canadians were unaware that Canada was involved in an Iraqi training mission or even had a military .

BAGHDAD – Canadian soldiers deployed on a NATO mission training Iraqi troops are now unsure whether they are preparing Iraq to fight ISIS, Iran, or the United States.
The deployment of 250 soldiers based in Baghdad debated who the Iraqi army would be fighting in the next few years after US President Donald Trump escalated tensions in the region with Iran.
“While I thought we were here to help Iraq defeat Daesh, I hear Iran might be a thing,” said one Canadian major pointing at a map of the Middle East. “They have an air force and a navy in addition to proxy militias in Iraq. They’re clearly destabilizing Iraq, so we’ll need to change the training routine.”
“No, ISIS is still a threat, Sir,” chimed a crusty warrant officer. “Remember how Trump allowed Turkey to invade Syria to fight the Kurds and all of those ISIL prisoners escaped? Something tells me they’ll be back.”
A curious captain took out his fieldpad to scribble down the pros and cons of each potential enemy of Iraq, but appeared puzzled and confused.
“The Americans are the ones who really destabilized the whole region almost two decades ago,” said one sergeant while directing a police cadet how to use an AK-47. “The US went ahead and violated Iraq’s sovereignty by killing that Iranian general and has involved their country in a conflict they don’t want. We should be training these guys how to take on a world’s superpower who has a long history of starting wars.”
Some agreed that the US was the biggest threat to the Iraqi people’s existence, while others posited that the enemy changed on an hourly basis.
“Wait, when did the US invade Iraq?” asked a 25-year-old master corporal who was only seven-years-old when US President George Bush invaded the country under the false pretense of stopping Saddam Hussein’s nuclear weapon development.
According to a poll, 92% of Canadians were unaware that Canada was involved in an Iraqi training mission or even had a military.


thebeaverton--2020-01-03--Trump crosses ‘start WWIII’ off his New Year’s Resolutions list

WASHINGTON D.C. – Right after ordering the assassination of Iran ’ s General Suleimani a satisfied Donald Trump sat back and took a pleasant moment to cross off ‘ start WWIII ’ from his 2020 New Year ’ s resolutions list .
“ Every year I say I ’ m going to do it [ stumble into a world war that will kill millions ] , ” said Trump .
“ But every year I just keep putting it off .
Then suddenly it ’ s November and I think ‘ well I have no time to do it before @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this year I knew I had to do it right away .
January 2nd .
Bam !
Now all I need to do for the rest of the year is relax and watch the carnage I have created unfold.
” Sources at the Pentagon say the Joint Chiefs were divided over the benefit of the assassination .
On the one hand the Chiefs knew that murdering Suleimani would almost certainly provoke a harsh military response from Iran against the U.S. , its allies and numerous civilians that could have repercussions for decades .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ feel so satisfied knowing he had actually done one of his resolutions .
“ It was a tough call , ” said Secretary of Defense Mark Asper .
“ But now the American people know that Donald Trump keeps his resolutions .
Now if the stuff he put on his vision board also start coming true things could get really exciting !
” “ Watch out , people living in the Pacific who don ’ t want nuclear war with North Korea !
” he added .
Trump has yet to achieve any @ @ @ @ @ @ @ read ‘ speak to Baron for 2+ mins , come up with new nickname for Chuck Shumer ( Jewmer ? )
, learn new language ( russian or that other one ) , and learn what impeachment is .
’

WASHINGTON D.C. – Right after ordering the assassination of Iran’s General Suleimani a satisfied Donald Trump sat back and took a pleasant moment to cross off ‘start WWIII’ from his 2020 New Year’s resolutions list.
“Every year I say I’m going to do it [stumble into a world war that will kill millions],” said Trump. “But every year I just keep putting it off. Then suddenly it’s November and I think ‘well I have no time to do it before the holidays now.’”
“So this year I knew I had to do it right away. January 2nd. Bam! Now all I need to do for the rest of the year is relax and watch the carnage I have created unfold.”
Sources at the Pentagon say the Joint Chiefs were divided over the benefit of the assassination. On the one hand the Chiefs knew that murdering Suleimani would almost certainly provoke a harsh military response from Iran against the U.S., its allies and numerous civilians that could have repercussions for decades. But on the other hand Trump would feel so satisfied knowing he had actually done one of his resolutions.
“It was a tough call,” said Secretary of Defense Mark Asper. “But now the American people know that Donald Trump keeps his resolutions. Now if the stuff he put on his vision board also start coming true things could get really exciting!”
“Watch out, people living in the Pacific who don’t want nuclear war with North Korea!” he added.
Trump has yet to achieve any of his other resolutions, which reportedly read ‘speak to Baron for 2+ mins, come up with new nickname for Chuck Shumer (Jewmer?), learn new language (russian or that other one), and learn what impeachment is.’


thebeaverton--2020-01-02--“I’d love to be catcalled,” says man who has never feared for his life

OTTAWA – After an intense discussion with female friends about the constant barrage of unwanted sexual attention women experience on the street , Jim Marsden announced that he would love to be catcalled once and a while , despite never having once feared being stalked , attacked , or even killed by a complete stranger .
“ Look , all I ’ m saying is that it would be nice for a random woman to get in my face , uninvited , and tell me that they want to see my dick , that ’ s all , ” the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ taking a break from bench pressing 300 lbs at the gym .
“ Guys like to be complimented too !
Especially if it ’ s shouted from a car when I ’ m going to work .
Better yet , at night when no one else is around .
There ’ s nothing hotter than a sexy lady hitting on you in the dark.
” When asked if she would ever consider catcalling a man , one of Marsden ’ s female companions , Kate Miller , nodded enthusiastically .
“ Oh , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Why wouldn ’ t I want to do the exact thing that causes me perpetual discomfort and fear to another human being ?
I would hate to spare them the terror that comes with being followed in broad daylight after politely declining a stranger ’ s sexual advances .
It helps build character , gets you motivated to take expensive self-defense classes , and allows the person yelling at you to feel really powerful .
It ’ s a win-win !
” Behavioural scientist Dr. John Tadman explained that Marsden ’ s feelings @ @ @ @ @ @ @ careful consideration .
“ Women want equality , correct ?
” Tadman asked , shrugging .
“ Well , they ’ ve got it .
Women are just as free to catcall others as men are .
If you simply look past the huge amount of evidence that says it ’ s much more dangerous for them to be on the receiving end of unwanted solicitation , there ’ s no difference between the two scenarios whatsoever.
” When asked if he had ever really tried to put himself in a woman ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , “ Hell no , you can ’ t run in those .
What if some uggo chick tries to chase me ?
”

OTTAWA – After an intense discussion with female friends about the constant barrage of unwanted sexual attention women experience on the street, Jim Marsden announced that he would love to be catcalled once and a while, despite never having once feared being stalked, attacked, or even killed by a complete stranger.
“Look, all I’m saying is that it would be nice for a random woman to get in my face, uninvited, and tell me that they want to see my dick, that’s all,” the 6’2” firefighter exclaimed, taking a break from bench pressing 300 lbs at the gym. “Guys like to be complimented too! Especially if it’s shouted from a car when I’m going to work. Better yet, at night when no one else is around. There’s nothing hotter than a sexy lady hitting on you in the dark.”
When asked if she would ever consider catcalling a man, one of Marsden’s female companions, Kate Miller, nodded enthusiastically.
“Oh, absolutely,” she said, “Why wouldn’t I want to do the exact thing that causes me perpetual discomfort and fear to another human being? I would hate to spare them the terror that comes with being followed in broad daylight after politely declining a stranger’s sexual advances. It helps build character, gets you motivated to take expensive self-defense classes, and allows the person yelling at you to feel really powerful. It’s a win-win!”
Behavioural scientist Dr. John Tadman explained that Marsden’s feelings were perfectly valid, and deserved more careful consideration.
“Women want equality, correct?” Tadman asked, shrugging. “Well, they’ve got it. Women are just as free to catcall others as men are. If you simply look past the huge amount of evidence that says it’s much more dangerous for them to be on the receiving end of unwanted solicitation, there’s no difference between the two scenarios whatsoever.”
When asked if he had ever really tried to put himself in a woman’s shoes, Marsden cringed and replied, “Hell no, you can’t run in those. What if some uggo chick tries to chase me?”


thebeaverton--2020-01-07--Meaghans standardize spelling of their name

TORONTO – Breaking through intense political gridlock , the Toronto Council of Me ( a ) g ( h ) ans struck a deal late last night to finally standardize the spelling of their name .
“ On behalf of Megan , Meaghan , Megyn , Meagan , and Meggan , I ’ m proud to announce we are now collectively known as Meagghayn , ” said the director formerly known as Meaghan .
“ It ’ s long and cumbersome , but it ’ s how we spell our name now.
” This momentous occasion has been decades in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ jockeying for years to have their letters included the most .
The stalemate was broken when the director finally allowed more radical spellings to be included in the mix .
“ We ’ re going to get this done even if we have to put a god-damn ‘ Y ’ in it.
” Despite the Director ’ s effort to bring everyone into the fold , it was a tight final vote thanks to a surprise filibuster from the Weird Spelling Coalition led by Mhegan , a long-time council member who still insists @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Her complaints were echoed by the Sara ( h ) subcommittee , who are still debating if the ‘ H ’ is really necessary , as well as the Circle of Kirstens who argued that standardizing a name is completely impossible .
Outside observers are hoping this new standardized spelling will make buying personalized keychains easier , and nearby Starbucks employees have been reported celebrating their decreased workload by deliberately spelling Geoffrey with a J .
At press time , the Meagghayns were reportedly close to a decision on if its pronounced @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if Mee-Gan should be removed from the council .

TORONTO – Breaking through intense political gridlock, the Toronto Council of Me(a)g(h)ans struck a deal late last night to finally standardize the spelling of their name.
“On behalf of Megan, Meaghan, Megyn, Meagan, and Meggan, I’m proud to announce we are now collectively known as Meagghayn,” said the director formerly known as Meaghan. “It’s long and cumbersome, but it’s how we spell our name now.”
This momentous occasion has been decades in the making, with rival Meagghayn fractions jockeying for years to have their letters included the most. The stalemate was broken when the director finally allowed more radical spellings to be included in the mix. “We’re going to get this done even if we have to put a god-damn ‘Y’ in it.”
Despite the Director’s effort to bring everyone into the fold, it was a tight final vote thanks to a surprise filibuster from the Weird Spelling Coalition led by Mhegan, a long-time council member who still insists her name is the one true spelling. Her complaints were echoed by the Sara(h) subcommittee, who are still debating if the ‘H’ is really necessary, as well as the Circle of Kirstens who argued that standardizing a name is completely impossible.
Outside observers are hoping this new standardized spelling will make buying personalized keychains easier, and nearby Starbucks employees have been reported celebrating their decreased workload by deliberately spelling Geoffrey with a J.
At press time, the Meagghayns were reportedly close to a decision on if its pronounced Meg-Han or May-Gan, as well as if Mee-Gan should be removed from the council.


thebeaverton--2020-01-07--Bearded Justin Trudeau revealed to be evil doppelganger, Trustin Judeau

OTTAWA — After a post-holiday Instagram post featuring a bearded Prime Minister Justin Trudeau caused a media stir , the subject of the photo was actually revealed to be Trudeau ’ s evil twin , Trustin Judeau .
“ Hahaha , you can tell from my sinister facial hair that of course it is I , Trustin Judeau , from the evil Mirror Universe , ” cackled Judeau , referencing the classic 1967 episode of Star Trek , ‘ Mirror , Mirror ’ .
The sinister doppelganger elaborated to reporters , “ I am the opposite of that goody goody @ @ @ @ @ @ @ buying pipelines !
And I hate electoral reform !
” Judeau grinned wickedly , as the assembled reporters looked at one another and shrugged .
Trudeau ’ s evil twin went on to explain how , with the actual PM Trudeau locked in a closet , he planned to enact an evil agenda totally at odds with the wholesome image of his good alter-ego .
“ First , I ’ m putting a stop to any additional funding for Indigenous Reserves !
Hahaha !
” Upon learning from a reporter that the real @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tack .
“ Well in that case , what if I told you I ’ m cooking up a shady and corrupt deal with a company called… SNC Lavalin ?
” “ What ?
That one too ?
Come on !
” shouted the bearded Judeau .
Judeau continued to list his proposed evil schemes , including : cutting veteran support ; allowing nationwide housing prices to skyrocket ; and once dressing in blackface for a school video .
“ Wait , he did it more than once ?
AND brownface too ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ an exasperated Judeau .
After having exhausted his sinister To-Do List , a defeated Judeau resolved to leave Ottawa .
“ That ’ s it , I ’ m heading back to be Mime Prinister of Adanac .
At least there , people actually expect me to do this kind of shady shit.
” Judeau then gave assembled reporters the finger before exiting through a dimensional gateway back to his evil parallel dimension .
After being freed from a Parliamentary broom closet , the actual beard-less Justin Trudeau thanked reporters before announcing that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ invade Iran .

OTTAWA — After a post-holiday Instagram post featuring a bearded Prime Minister Justin Trudeau caused a media stir, the subject of the photo was actually revealed to be Trudeau’s evil twin, Trustin Judeau.
“Hahaha, you can tell from my sinister facial hair that of course it is I, Trustin Judeau, from the evil Mirror Universe,” cackled Judeau, referencing the classic 1967 episode of Star Trek, ‘Mirror, Mirror’. The sinister doppelganger elaborated to reporters, “I am the opposite of that goody goody Trudeau in every way! I love buying pipelines! And I hate electoral reform!”
Judeau grinned wickedly, as the assembled reporters looked at one another and shrugged.
Trudeau’s evil twin went on to explain how, with the actual PM Trudeau locked in a closet, he planned to enact an evil agenda totally at odds with the wholesome image of his good alter-ego. “First, I’m putting a stop to any additional funding for Indigenous Reserves! Hahaha!” Upon learning from a reporter that the real Trudeau had done this, Judeau changed tack. “Well in that case, what if I told you I’m cooking up a shady and corrupt deal with a company called… SNC Lavalin?”
“What? That one too? Come on!” shouted the bearded Judeau.
Judeau continued to list his proposed evil schemes, including: cutting veteran support; allowing nationwide housing prices to skyrocket; and once dressing in blackface for a school video.
“Wait, he did it more than once? AND brownface too? That’s insane,” replied an exasperated Judeau.
After having exhausted his sinister To-Do List, a defeated Judeau resolved to leave Ottawa. “That’s it, I’m heading back to be Mime Prinister of Adanac. At least there, people actually expect me to do this kind of shady shit.”
Judeau then gave assembled reporters the finger before exiting through a dimensional gateway back to his evil parallel dimension.
After being freed from a Parliamentary broom closet, the actual beard-less Justin Trudeau thanked reporters before announcing that he is considering helping President Trump to invade Iran.


thebeaverton--2020-01-07--Officials ask Pope to stop ending sermons with community announcements from Vatican bulletin

VATICAN CITY – Officials representing the Holy See have reportedly issued a formal request that Pope Francis cease ending his sermons from the balcony of St. Peter ’ s Basilica with local announcements from the Vatican bulletin .
“ It just takes away from the magnitude of His Holiness ’ message when his big finisher involves unfolding a creased piece of paper from his pocket and informing everyone about new items in the lost and found bin , ” said Cardinal Robert Sarah .
The request for the change came after the Pope ’ s most recent speech , a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the world ’ s refugees to both the wandering of the Israelites and the visit of the magi .
At the climax of the speech delivered to thousands of adoring Catholics , the Pope then announced that the Swiss Guard would be hosting their annual bake sale to raise money for new lawn bowling equipment .
He then swiftly moved on to ask parishioners to park only in designated spaces in the Vatican parking lot as there have been complaints .
Viewers described the ending as “ anticlimactic ” .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ witness the Pope deliver his sermon to the masses last Easter , ” said Audrey McMillan .
“ And after an amazing oration that approached the level of poetry , he announced that this week ’ s “ Movie Night with the Bishops ” would be a screening of Rush Hour 2.
” “ Kind of a let-down ” , she continued .
Phasing out the practice may be difficult given the long history of Vatican community messages .
Historians point to Pope Alexander VI ’ s tradition of announcing rummage sales of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ main square , the widespread popularity of the Antipope Gazette in the 14th century , or Pope Pius XII personally illustrating a little-read Encyclical he called “ The Pope and the Panther ” .
“ And with the horrors of childhood poverty and nationalist violence firmly in our minds , please also help me wish Sister Mary Prudence a big Happy 67th Birthday !
Cake will be served for those who wish to help celebrate in Multi-Purpose Room B immediately following this week ’ s softball game against the Great Synagogue of Rome @ @ @ @ @ @ @ God ’ s chosen representative on Earth proclaimed to throngs of worshippers .
“ And if the assembled cardinals and bishops wouldn ’ t mind hanging back after the sermon to help stack the chairs back into the Storage Shed of St. Andronicus of Alexandria , that would be most blessed , ” he concluded .

VATICAN CITY – Officials representing the Holy See have reportedly issued a formal request that Pope Francis cease ending his sermons from the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica with local announcements from the Vatican bulletin.
“It just takes away from the magnitude of His Holiness’ message when his big finisher involves unfolding a creased piece of paper from his pocket and informing everyone about new items in the lost and found bin,” said Cardinal Robert Sarah.
The request for the change came after the Pope’s most recent speech, a two hour liturgical missive comparing the plight of the world’s refugees to both the wandering of the Israelites and the visit of the magi. At the climax of the speech delivered to thousands of adoring Catholics, the Pope then announced that the Swiss Guard would be hosting their annual bake sale to raise money for new lawn bowling equipment. He then swiftly moved on to ask parishioners to park only in designated spaces in the Vatican parking lot as there have been complaints. Viewers described the ending as “anticlimactic”.
“I travelled all the way from Australia to witness the Pope deliver his sermon to the masses last Easter,” said Audrey McMillan. “And after an amazing oration that approached the level of poetry, he announced that this week’s “Movie Night with the Bishops” would be a screening of Rush Hour 2.”
“Kind of a let-down”, she continued.
Phasing out the practice may be difficult given the long history of Vatican community messages. Historians point to Pope Alexander VI’s tradition of announcing rummage sales of his murdered opponents’ possessions in the main square, the widespread popularity of the Antipope Gazette in the 14th century, or Pope Pius XII personally illustrating a little-read Encyclical he called “The Pope and the Panther”.
“And with the horrors of childhood poverty and nationalist violence firmly in our minds, please also help me wish Sister Mary Prudence a big Happy 67th Birthday! Cake will be served for those who wish to help celebrate in Multi-Purpose Room B immediately following this week’s softball game against the Great Synagogue of Rome. Go Vatican Vandals!”, God’s chosen representative on Earth proclaimed to throngs of worshippers.
“And if the assembled cardinals and bishops wouldn’t mind hanging back after the sermon to help stack the chairs back into the Storage Shed of St. Andronicus of Alexandria, that would be most blessed,” he concluded.


thebeaverton--2020-01-07--Judge grants child custody to parent’s smartphone

OAKVILLE , ON – An Ontario judge has granted sole physical custody to her divorced parent ’ s iPhone 9 , which was deemed to be the only thing that helped raise the child .
After a lengthy legal battle , Judge Heather Morgan determined that the smartphone was the only guardian that showed interest and care in the 3-year-old Ophelia Grant ’ s needs .
“ Taking into consideration the best interest of the child , the smartphone has brought stability to the home environment , ” decreed the judge .
“ Neither the mother or father has shown @ @ @ @ @ @ @ becomes difficult .
It is more than evident that the parenting was left to the stalwart and compassionate device ever since the child started to grab things.
” The parents , Jessica Sears and Harold Grant , could not provide the necessary apps to engage their child like the one with the animal sounds or the one that sings the annoying lullabies ad nauseum , said the judge .
The ruling also recognized that the smartphone ’ s partner , the iPad , has also played a crucial role in rearing the child @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Patrol .
“ The phone and pad couple was always there for Ophelia , whether it was calming a fit in a restaurant or a distraction on a long car-ride , ” said the judge .
“ The biological parents are hereby ordered to pay $ 3,000 in child support , which roughly covers the cost of a monthly cellphone bill in Canada.
” Back at home , the youngster celebrated by dropping her parent into the toilet .

OAKVILLE, ON – An Ontario judge has granted sole physical custody to her divorced parent’s iPhone 9, which was deemed to be the only thing that helped raise the child.
After a lengthy legal battle, Judge Heather Morgan determined that the smartphone was the only guardian that showed interest and care in the 3-year-old Ophelia Grant’s needs.
“Taking into consideration the best interest of the child, the smartphone has brought stability to the home environment,” decreed the judge. “Neither the mother or father has shown a genuine interest or care when parenting becomes difficult. It is more than evident that the parenting was left to the stalwart and compassionate device ever since the child started to grab things.”
The parents, Jessica Sears and Harold Grant, could not provide the necessary apps to engage their child like the one with the animal sounds or the one that sings the annoying lullabies ad nauseum, said the judge.
The ruling also recognized that the smartphone’s partner, the iPad, has also played a crucial role in rearing the child especially in its ability to play Paw Patrol.
“The phone and pad couple was always there for Ophelia, whether it was calming a fit in a restaurant or a distraction on a long car-ride,” said the judge. “The biological parents are hereby ordered to pay $3,000 in child support, which roughly covers the cost of a monthly cellphone bill in Canada.”
Back at home, the youngster celebrated by dropping her parent into the toilet.


thebeaverton--2020-01-08--Toronto’s expensive housing market forces Harry and Meghan to consider living in Barrie

BARRIE , ON – Astronomically high housing prices in Toronto have forced Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to consider living in Barrie for their new North American home , unconfirmed reports suggest .
The couple , who recently announced that they would be scaling back their royal duties and splitting their time between the UK and North America , said that they would have really liked to have found a two bedroom apartment in Toronto , but could not afford the rent of ten Windsor Castles per month .
Communication between Buckingham Palace and the Duke and Duchess of Sussex @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was better suited for the couple than St. Catharines or Kitchener while Meghan presumably returns to her acting career .
While housing prices continue to climb in Barrie , there remain a few houses for the royal couple to relax in a quiet neighbourhood , raise a family , and spend over three hours a day commuting to-and-fro work .
“ Privacy is almost guaranteed as none of their friends from the GTA would be willing to visit them there , ” said Royal Watcher Abigail Tinkleton .
“ Plus , everyone in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , so they couple and their child could pretend to live a rustic life when , in fact , they live in suburbia.
” Harry and Meghan are looking to embrace the Barrie experience such as being caught on Highway 400 during a snowstorm and being stuck in traffic on Highway 401 .

BARRIE, ON – Astronomically high housing prices in Toronto have forced Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to consider living in Barrie for their new North American home, unconfirmed reports suggest.
The couple, who recently announced that they would be scaling back their royal duties and splitting their time between the UK and North America, said that they would have really liked to have found a two-bedroom apartment in Toronto, but could not afford the rent of ten Windsor Castles per month.
Communication between Buckingham Palace and the Duke and Duchess of Sussex suggest that the city north of Toronto was better suited for the couple than St. Catharines or Kitchener.
While housing prices continue to climb in Barrie, a few cheaper houses are available for the royal couple to settle down in a quiet neighbourhood, raise a family, and spend over three hours a day commuting to-and-from work.
“Privacy is almost guaranteed as none of their friends from the GTA would be willing to visit them there,” said Royal Watcher Abigail Tinkleton. “Plus, everyone in Toronto thinks Barrie is in northern Ontario, so the couple and their child could pretend to live a rustic life when, in fact, they live in suburbia.”
Harry and Meghan are looking to embrace the Barrie experience such as being caught on Highway 400 during a snowstorm and being stuck in traffic on Highway 401.


thebeaverton--2020-01-08--Local actress successfully deprograms member of hereditary cult

LONDON – Meghan Markle , an actress best known for her role on the USA network series Suits is now adding another role to her CV : deprogrammer .
“ Extracting a cult member is notoriously difficult , managing to do it after joining the cult itself is almost unheard of , ” says cult expert Joanie Gorski .
“ This is one for the history books .
Or at least several dozen podcasts.
” The Cult of Windsor , which in its current form dates back to 1917 , is known for being insular and territorial .
Along with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of teenage brides , accusations of pedophilia have also recently been leveled against a highly placed member of the organization .
“ The problem with extracting someone raised in a cult is that they don ’ t understand that how they live isn ’ t normal or healthy , ” Gorski says .
“ But when you think about it , someone who has navigated the equally toxic environment of Hollywood is ideally suited to the task.
” “ And of course , deprogramming is always easier when most of the other members @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wankers.
” At press time , Buckingham Palace had released a terse statement denying that the Windsor family ever contained a member named Harry .

LONDON – Meghan Markle, an actress best known for her role on the USA network series Suits is now adding another role to her CV: deprogrammer.
“Extracting a cult member is notoriously difficult, managing to do it after joining the cult itself is almost unheard of,” says cult expert Joanie Gorski. “This is one for the history books. Or at least several dozen podcasts.”
The Cult of Windsor, which in its current form dates back to 1917, is known for being insular and territorial. Along with documented instances of incest and the grooming of teenage brides, accusations of pedophilia have also recently been leveled against a highly placed member of the organization.
“The problem with extracting someone raised in a cult is that they don’t understand that how they live isn’t normal or healthy,” Gorski says. “But when you think about it, someone who has navigated the equally toxic environment of Hollywood is ideally suited to the task.”
“And of course, deprogramming is always easier when most of the other members of the cult seem to be massive wankers.”
At press time, Buckingham Palace had released a terse statement denying that the Windsor family ever contained a member named Harry.


thebeaverton--2020-01-09--Study finds that just having 5 fucking minutes to yourself outweighs all the negative effects of smo

Study finds that just having 5 fucking minutes to yourself outweighs all the negative effects of smoking

VANCOUVER – A study done at the University of British Columbia has found that the negative effects of smoking are completely outweighed by the benefits of just having five fucking minutes to yourself .
The research claims that being able to step outside for a few minutes and remove oneself from toxic social environments at a moments notice is leading to greater long-term health for smokers .
The positive effects of regular alone time while smoking includes lowered blood pressure , decreased stress and anxiety levels , and even healthier lungs from being able to escape tightly packed rooms filled @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bad perfumes .
“ Your average non-smoker is putting themselves at risk every single day of their lives by not taking five minutes to themselves every hour or so , ” explains Dr. Marianna Mayler who conducted the study .
“ Having no built-in excuse for escaping shitty conversations at your place of work or social outing leads to non-smokers consuming countless toxins from the bullshit people keep spewing at them.
” Surprisingly , the biggest health concern smokers face is actually believed to be getting exposed to secondhand small talk , which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if another smoker looking to chat happens to follow you outside .
Further studies on the positive effects of smoking are being conducted , with the research inspiring many health professionals to revisit commonly held beliefs .
One researcher has already begun work investigating whether the physical health benefits of going to the gym are actually worth the mental strain of having to interact with people who go to the gym .

VANCOUVER – A study done at the University of British Columbia has found that the negative effects of smoking are completely outweighed by the benefits of just having five fucking minutes to yourself.
The research claims that being able to step outside for a few minutes and remove oneself from toxic social environments at a moments notice is leading to greater long-term health for smokers. The positive effects of regular alone time while smoking includes lowered blood pressure, decreased stress and anxiety levels, and even healthier lungs from being able to escape tightly packed rooms filled with a mixture of body odour and bad perfumes.
“Your average non-smoker is putting themselves at risk every single day of their lives by not taking five minutes to themselves every hour or so,” explains Dr. Marianna Mayler who conducted the study. “Having no built-in excuse for escaping shitty conversations at your place of work or social outing leads to non-smokers consuming countless toxins from the bullshit people keep spewing at them.”
Surprisingly, the biggest health concern smokers face is actually believed to be getting exposed to secondhand small talk, which can even happen during a smoke break if another smoker looking to chat happens to follow you outside.
Further studies on the positive effects of smoking are being conducted, with the research inspiring many health professionals to revisit commonly held beliefs. One researcher has already begun work investigating whether the physical health benefits of going to the gym are actually worth the mental strain of having to interact with people who go to the gym.


thebeaverton--2020-01-09--New Museum exhibit shows what it would be like to see a T-Rex and a Velociraptor fuck

REGINA —- A stunning new exhibit at Saskatchewan ’ s Museum of Natural History has found a way to reinvigorate interest in science and delight visitors by showing them how it would look if a T-Rex and a Velocoraptor did it .
“ With museum attendance waning , we ’ re looking at finding new ways to draw people in .
I ’ m thrilled to say that the new exhibit , featuring two apex predators going to Bone Town on one another , has been a fantastic success , ” explained museum spokesperson Jonas Mitchum .
The setting , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ skeleton , also features an interactive diorama and headsets describing their hypothetical tryst .
“ There is a lot we know about dinosaurs from the Jurassic era , but the fact is there is a lot we don ’ t know , ” detailed Mitchum .
“ For example , we don ’ t know whether the Tyrannosaurus Rex was entirely carnivorous , or if it ever actually met a velociraptor .
Maybe it found something incredibly attractive about the way the velociraptor swallowed its prey .
Maybe the velociraptor never thought it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there was just something about this tall stranger that really turned it on .
Maybe the velociraptor ’ s roommate happened to be away , so the pair would have the entire cavern to themselves…for the whole night.
” “ I mean , paleontology will inevitably involve some guess work , ” he added , “ though we are relatively certain the velociraptor was the top.
” While some visitors have reported surprise at the exhibit , most have been thrilled .
“ Honestly , I thought dinosaurs were a little bit , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ patron Maura Wonrow told reporters .
“ But this new exhibit depicting a T-Rex and raptor banging one out has really opened up the magic of nature for me .
Some aspects of nature are so wondrous you truly have to see them to appreciate them .
Plus who could have predicted how much the T-Rex was into doggie style .
I never learned that in science class !
” Following the enormous success of the program , the museum is reportedly considering expanding the exhibit to depict other interesting behaviors dinosaurs may @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ For example , what exactly did those supple , sexy plates on the stegosaurus evolve for ?
What could the triceratops could get up to with all those rigid , erect horns ?
” hinted Mitchum ,

REGINA —- A stunning new exhibit at Saskatchewan’s Museum of Natural History has found a way to reinvigorate interest in science and delight visitors by showing them how it would look if a T-Rex and a Velocoraptor did it.
“With museum attendance waning, we’re looking at finding new ways to draw people in. I’m thrilled to say that the new exhibit, featuring two apex predators going to Bone Town on one another, has been a fantastic success,” explained museum spokesperson Jonas Mitchum.
The setting, which includes a full T-Rex and velociraptor skeleton, also features an interactive diorama and headsets describing their hypothetical tryst.
“There is a lot we know about dinosaurs from the Jurassic era, but the fact is there is a lot we don’t know,” detailed Mitchum. “For example, we don’t know whether the Tyrannosaurus Rex was entirely carnivorous, or if it ever actually met a velociraptor. Maybe it found something incredibly attractive about the way the velociraptor swallowed its prey. Maybe the velociraptor never thought it would fall for a T-Rex, but there was just something about this tall stranger that really turned it on. Maybe the velociraptor’s roommate happened to be away, so the pair would have the entire cavern to themselves…for the whole night.”
“I mean, paleontology will inevitably involve some guess work,” he added, “though we are relatively certain the velociraptor was the top.”
While some visitors have reported surprise at the exhibit, most have been thrilled.
“Honestly, I thought dinosaurs were a little bit, you know, over,” 25-year-old patron Maura Wonrow told reporters. “But this new exhibit depicting a T-Rex and raptor banging one out has really opened up the magic of nature for me. Some aspects of nature are so wondrous you truly have to see them to appreciate them. Plus who could have predicted how much the T-Rex was into doggie style. I never learned that in science class!”
Following the enormous success of the program, the museum is reportedly considering expanding the exhibit to depict other interesting behaviors dinosaurs may or may not have engaged in.
“For example, what exactly did those supple, sexy plates on the stegosaurus evolve for? What could the triceratops could get up to with all those rigid, erect horns?” hinted Mitchum,
“The possibilities are endless.”