thebeaverton--2020-10-01--Shredder refuses to denounce Foot Clan

Shredder refuses to denounce Foot Clan

NEW YORK CITY – After telling the Foot Clan to , “ stand by ” , prominent New York businessman and armoured , ninja guy , Shredder , is under heavy fire for his refusal to denounce the group .
“ I don ’ t know the Foot Clan , never met them , ” said Shredder in reference to the armed gang he leads .
“ But they seem like go-getters .
And hard work is what will make this city great again.
” “ Gang is a generous term for these masked men ” , contended Master Splinter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Domestic terrorists is what they are and it ’ s about time the government take action and classify them as such.
” Even Shredder ’ s staunchest allies like Krang , an alien being who lives in a robot ’ s stomach , can not understand why it is so hard for Shredder to just say he doesn ’ t support the Foot Clan ’ s plan to take over the city through blackmail , extortion and kidnapping .
“ Maybe it ’ s because he secretly agrees with them .
Or maybe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them to do it .
Hard to say.
” However Krang added that he had used his otherworldly powers to look deep into Shredder ’ s soul and determined that , “ he cares about nothing but the well being of the people.
” Unsatisfied with the idea of putting their faith in the hands of some space whatever-it-is , the public ’ s ire towards Shredder continues to grow , but he still has no plans to back down from his stance .
Rumours indicate he instead plans to shift the public @ @ @ @ @ @ @ close relationship with his “ sons ” .

NEW YORK CITY – After telling the Foot Clan to, “stand by”, prominent New York businessman and armoured, ninja guy, Shredder, is under heavy fire for his refusal to denounce the group.
“I don’t know the Foot Clan, never met them,” said Shredder in reference to the armed gang he leads. “But they seem like go-getters. And hard work is what will make this city great again.”
“Gang is a generous term for these masked men”, contended Master Splinter, chief rival to Shredder. “Domestic terrorists is what they are and it’s about time the government take action and classify them as such.”
Even Shredder’s staunchest allies like Krang, an alien being who lives in a robot’s stomach, can not understand why it is so hard for Shredder to just say he doesn’t support the Foot Clan’s plan to take over the city through blackmail, extortion and kidnapping.
“Maybe it’s because he secretly agrees with them. Or maybe it’s because he specifically ordered them to do it. Hard to say.”
However Krang added that he had used his otherworldly powers to look deep into Shredder’s soul and determined that, “he cares about nothing but the well being of the people.”
Unsatisfied with the idea of putting their faith in the hands of some space whatever-it-is, the public’s ire towards Shredder continues to grow, but he still has no plans to back down from his stance. Rumours indicate he instead plans to shift the public focus to master Splinter and his unusually close relationship with his “sons”.


thebeaverton--2020-10-01--Saskatchewan judge sentences another drunk driver to run for provincial office

REGINA – As a part of his sentencing , another Saskatchewan man will serve as a candidate in the upcoming @ @ @ @ @ , a 43-year-old clerk from Yorkton , will now be the Sask Party candidate for @ @ @ @ @ a part of your community service , you are hereby required to run as an @ @ @ @ @ days , and , if elected , the full length of your term , ” @ @ @ @ @ has already sentenced another driver to run as an NDP candidate in Moose Jaw .
@ @ @ @ @ the sentence was fitting for crime .
“ I vow to lower taxes and my @ @ @ @ @ said Brown in a court-ordered stump speech .
The surly contender said that he fully @ @ @ @ @ s proposal for a home renovation tax credit especially for the homeowner whose living room @ @ @ @ @ F-150 earlier this year .

REGINA – As a part of his sentencing, another Saskatchewan man will serve as a candidate in the upcoming provincial election.
Jake Brown, a 43-year-old clerk from Yorkton, will now be the Sask Party candidate for Saskatoon North.
“As a part of your community service, you are hereby required to run as an MLA for at least 25 days, and, if elected, the full length of your term,” said Justice Al Thorn who has already sentenced another driver to run as an NDP candidate in Moose Jaw.
The Crown and Defence agreed the sentence was fitting for crime.
“I vow to lower taxes and my blood alcohol level,” said Brown in a court-ordered stump speech.
The surly contender said that he fully supports the Sask Party’s proposal for a home renovation tax credit especially for the homeowner whose living room wall he destroyed with his F-150 earlier this year.


thebeaverton--2020-10-01--Experts say new limits on social gatherings a great way to exclude that loser Greg

TORONTO – In response to the spike of Covid 19 cases across much of the nation , provinces are introducing new , stricter limits on the amount of people who are allowed to meet , which many experts assert will slow the spread of the virus and finally give you a reason not to hang out with figurative sweat stain Greg .
“ The reason that we instituted these new rules was strictly to protect the public from the infection , avoiding that dweeb Greg was just an added bonus , ” stated Chief Medical Officer of Health Dr. David @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the lockdown allowed dolphins to return to the canals of Venice.
” In addition to using gathering restrictions to avoid Greg , people have used masks to hide themselves from Greg .
Also , many businesses Greg likes still haven ’ t gotten provincial permission to reopen .
This has led many to speculate that COVID is “ a hoax , orchestrated by the deep state ” , not to enslave humanity or enrich the Illuminati , but rather to get a reprieve from perennial dickhead Greg .
“ It sucks that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t see my family , ” stated Timothy Sharn , Greg ’ s old co worker that moved to Michigan .
“ But on the upside I don ’ t have to worry about running into Greg.
” Unfortunately no one has devised how to keep Greg out of online social interactions , although work on a Greg contact tracing app is progressing quickly .

TORONTO – In response to the spike of Covid 19 cases across much of the nation, provinces are introducing new, stricter limits on the amount of people who are allowed to meet, which many experts assert will slow the spread of the virus and finally give you a reason not to hang out with figurative sweat stain Greg.
“The reason that we instituted these new rules was strictly to protect the public from the infection, avoiding that dweeb Greg was just an added bonus,” stated Chief Medical Officer of Health Dr. David Williams. “Kind of like how the lockdown allowed dolphins to return to the canals of Venice.”
In addition to using gathering restrictions to avoid Greg, people have used masks to hide themselves from Greg. Also, many businesses Greg likes still haven’t gotten provincial permission to reopen. This has led many to speculate that COVID is “a hoax, orchestrated by the deep state”, not to enslave humanity or enrich the Illuminati, but rather to get a reprieve from perennial dickhead Greg.
“It sucks that the border is closed and I can’t see my family,” stated Timothy Sharn, Greg’s old co worker that moved to Michigan. “But on the upside I don’t have to worry about running into Greg.”
Unfortunately no one has devised how to keep Greg out of online social interactions, although work on a Greg contact tracing app is progressing quickly.


thebeaverton--2020-10-02--Trudeau mobilizes troops to border in response to Rick Moranis attack

OTTAWA – Following the news that Canadian national treasure Rick Moranis was assaulted in New York City , Prime Minister Trudeau has ordered the full Canadian Armed Forces to amass on the US/Canada border and prepare to retaliate .
“ An attack against Rick Moranis is unthinkable and inexcusable , ” explained Trudeau during a televised address to the nation .
“ Not only is Moranis a beloved Canadian icon , but the idea that someone could willingly hurt the star of Ghostbusters , Honey I Shrunk The Kids , and… ” Trudeau paused to regain his composure , “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that can not go unanswered.
” “ Canada is taking this assault on Moranis as a declaration of war , and will retaliate in kind , ” Trudeau added before leaving for a meeting with his military advisers .
Across the country Canadians have begun signing up for active duty service in record numbers , all to avenge the senseless assault of SCTV ’ s Rick Moranis .
Crowds have numbered in the tens of thousands for nationwide public screenings of Strange Brew , featuring Moranis and Dave Thomas as Bob and Doug @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s signature quote “ Cooo , loo , coo , coo , coo , coo , coo , coooo !
” will also be adopted as the official Canadian Armed Forces battle cry when our troops move over the border and attempt to establish a beachhead in upper New York State .
Some in Trudeau ’ s Cabinet have recommended that he take more measured action by only seeking vengeance against one a beloved American celebrity , like pushing Tom Hanks down a flight of stairs or hitting Dwayne ‘ The Rock @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , others have urged Trudeau to embrace a full declaration of war .
Reached for comment , Minister of National Defense Harjit Sajjan was grave .
“ We ’ ve known for years that Rick Moranis was our most unifying Canadian icon – that ’ s why he ’ s been kept in seclusion and hasn ’ t headlined a movie since 1996 ’ s Big Bully .
But we recently got cocky , and released Moranis from his underground bunker to do that mobile commercial with Ryan Reynolds , and now look @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will have our revenge .
For Rick , ” added Sajjan .
While Canada ’ s military is dwarfed by the United States military , observers are cautioning that the invasion may still succeed , given President Trump ’ s recent coronavirus infection and Canadians ’ fervent love of Rick Moranis .
Reached for comment Rick Moranis assured Canadians “ Hey guys , I ’ m fine and it ’ ll heal up nicely , eh , ” with his signature unassuming charm , leading to an increase in Canadians demanding to invade @ @ @

OTTAWA – Following the news that Canadian national treasure Rick Moranis was assaulted in New York City, Prime Minister Trudeau has ordered the full Canadian Armed Forces to amass on the US/Canada border and prepare to retaliate.
“An attack against Rick Moranis is unthinkable and inexcusable,” explained Trudeau during a televised address to the nation. “Not only is Moranis a beloved Canadian icon, but the idea that someone could willingly hurt the star of Ghostbusters, Honey I Shrunk The Kids, and…” Trudeau paused to regain his composure, “…Spaceballs, well this is a crime that cannot go unanswered.”
“Canada is taking this assault on Moranis as a declaration of war, and will retaliate in kind,” Trudeau added before leaving for a meeting with his military advisers.
Across the country Canadians have begun signing up for active duty service in record numbers, all to avenge the senseless assault of SCTV’s Rick Moranis. Crowds have numbered in the tens of thousands for nationwide public screenings of Strange Brew, featuring Moranis and Dave Thomas as Bob and Doug MacKenzie.
Notably, Bob and Doug’s signature quote “Cooo, loo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coooo!” will also be adopted as the official Canadian Armed Forces battle cry when our troops move over the border and attempt to establish a beachhead in upper New York State.
Some in Trudeau’s Cabinet have recommended that he take more measured action by only seeking vengeance against one a beloved American celebrity, like pushing Tom Hanks down a flight of stairs or hitting Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson with a car. Meanwhile, others have urged Trudeau to embrace a full declaration of war.
Reached for comment, Minister of National Defense Harjit Sajjan was grave. “We’ve known for years that Rick Moranis was our most unifying Canadian icon – that’s why he’s been kept in seclusion and hasn’t headlined a movie since 1996’s Big Bully. But we recently got cocky, and released Moranis from his underground bunker to do that mobile commercial with Ryan Reynolds, and now look what tragedy has ensued.”
“Canada will have our revenge. For Rick,” added Sajjan.
While Canada’s military is dwarfed by the United States military, observers are cautioning that the invasion may still succeed, given President Trump’s recent coronavirus infection and Canadians’ fervent love of Rick Moranis.
Reached for comment Rick Moranis assured Canadians “Hey guys, I’m fine and it’ll heal up nicely, eh,” with his signature unassuming charm, leading to an increase in Canadians demanding to invade the US.


thebeaverton--2020-10-02--Fuming Donald Trump tells Putin vaccine didn’t work

WASHINGTON – After testing positive for COVID-19 , an irate U.S. President Donald Trump called Russian President Vladimir Putin on Friday morning to tell him that the Russian-made vaccine he was given was “ complete junk.
” “ Vlad , Vlad , listen .
You know how much I respect you , ” a coughing , feverish Trump told Putin through a backchannel to the Kremlin .
“ But this spoogenik thing you sent… it did nothing .
Nothing.
” A dose of Sputnik V , the vaccine recently developed in Russia during a fast-tracked process many scientists fear bypassed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump last month as part of the special rations given to every Russian agent .
Despite injecting himself with the vaccine , Trump tested positive for the coronavirus yesterday and has since developed symptoms , which sparked a barrage of angry tweets from the president .
“ This is RUSSIAN RUBBISH for the CHINA PLAGUE , ” tweeted Trump .
After Putin reminded Trump of his continued obligations to the federation , Trump has since deleted all the critical tweets and posted , “ As part of our improved relations with Russia , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Stage 3 of the vaccine trials.
” In another call to calm down Trump , Putin purportedly consoled the US president by telling him that Russia has “ the best people ” who will “ take care of him ” after the November election .
Trump jumped at this opportunity , since he has been planning a trip to Russia anyway .

WASHINGTON – After testing positive for COVID-19, an irate U.S. President Donald Trump called Russian President Vladimir Putin on Friday morning to tell him that the Russian-made vaccine he was given was “complete junk.”
“Vlad, Vlad, listen. You know how much I respect you,” a coughing, feverish Trump told Putin through a backchannel to the Kremlin. “But this spoogenik thing you sent… it did nothing. Nothing.”
A dose of Sputnik V, the vaccine recently developed in Russia during a fast-tracked process many scientists fear bypassed rigorous medical review, was sent to Trump last month as part of the special rations given to every Russian agent.
Despite injecting himself with the vaccine, Trump tested positive for the coronavirus yesterday and has since developed symptoms, which sparked a barrage of angry tweets from the president.
“This is RUSSIAN RUBBISH for the CHINA PLAGUE,” tweeted Trump. After Putin reminded Trump of his continued obligations to the federation, Trump has since deleted all the critical tweets and posted, “As part of our improved relations with Russia, I have decided to help them with Stage 3 of the vaccine trials.”
In another call to calm down Trump, Putin purportedly consoled the US president by telling him that Russia has “the best people” who will “take care of him” after the November election.
Trump jumped at this opportunity, since he has been planning a trip to Russia anyway.


thebeaverton--2020-10-02--Global security threat infects global security threat

WASHINGTON – A dangerous threat to global stability and human health announced he has contracted a dangerous threat to global @ @ @ @ @ The deadly pair have ruined national economies , stoked xenophobia and racism , and given @ @ @ @ @ , but one grossly underestimated the other .
The menace that gave the world a @ @ @ @ @ for the past 47 months was no match for the danger spreading debilitating anguish and @ @ @ @ @ 9 months .
“ We will get through this TOGETHER !
” tweeted the man @ @ @ @ @ threat currently incubating inside his body .
Uttering either one of their names made world @ @ @ @ @ , and top infectious disease experts tremble in fear .
“ We send our thoughts @ @ @ @ @ virus that has caused the world nothing but agony since we learned of its existence @ @ @ @ @ , ” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel .
At press time , US national security @ @ @ @ @ but find this pretty funny .

WASHINGTON – A dangerous threat to global stability and human health announced he has contracted a dangerous threat to global stability and human health.
The deadly pair have ruined national economies, stoked xenophobia and racism, and given little regard to protecting humanity, but one grossly underestimated the other.
The menace that gave the world a feeling of exhaustion and hopelessness for the past 47 months was no match for the danger spreading debilitating anguish and isolation experienced in the past 9 months.
“We will get through this TOGETHER!” tweeted the man who has repeatedly downplayed the threat currently incubating inside his body.
Uttering either one of their names made world leaders, high ranking generals, and top infectious disease experts tremble in fear.
“We send our thoughts and prayers that this terrible virus that has caused the world nothing but agony since we learned of its existence does not succumb to COVID,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel.
At press time, US national security advisors couldn’t help but find this pretty funny.


thebeaverton--2020-10-03--Jason Kenney calls Alberta’s bountiful harvest a ‘godsend,’ oddly cagey about which god

EDMONTON – Jason Kenney has been celebrating the bumper harvest Alberta is expecting to bring in this year , but has been reticent to name which deity he holds responsible for this agricultural bounty .
“ We believe that this may be the single biggest year in the history of Alberta agriculture , ” Kenney said this week during a press conference .
“ It is truly a blessing , a godsend , and we owe our thanks to , well , you know.
” When pressed by reporters as to who , exactly , he was thanking for this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , corn , barley and canola , Kenney repeated that Alberta was very grateful for the agrarian gift that had been bestowed upon it and to everyone and everything responsible for it .
“ Given the economic hardships that have befallen us and the continuing struggles of the oil industry , we could not be more thankful or more appreciative of the boon that has been granted to our farmers and our province , ” Kenney continued .
“ And rest assured , the government of Alberta will continue to do whatever is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ land.
” “ Fruitfulness of the land , fruitfulness of the land , fruitfulness of the land , ” Kenney chanted softly , while clutching a small idol made of dried wheat so tightly he drew blood .
Despite numerous attempts by reporters to get specifics about what exactly the government was doing to ensure the “ fruitfulness of the land , ” Kenney would only say the government of Alberta is committed to helping its farmers by giving them whatever they require for the harvest , including equipment , scientific advisers , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are necessary until the reaping is complete.
” While Kenney began twitching noticeably when reporters attempted to get more information by asking about specific agricultural gods like Dagon , Enkimdu , and Xipe Totec , he flat out refused to answer anymore questions after CBC reporter Linda Horton asked if a recent change in the prayer said in the Alberta legislature to give thanks to ‘ He Who Walks The Fields ’ and ‘ The Ravenous One ’ had anything to do with this year ’ s harvest .
Horton could not be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been seen or heard from since leaving the press conference in her car , which was later found abandoned on the side of an isolated back-country road , overflowing with ripe wheat .

EDMONTON – Jason Kenney has been celebrating the bumper harvest Alberta is expecting to bring in this year, but has been reticent to name which deity he holds responsible for this agricultural bounty.
“We believe that this may be the single biggest year in the history of Alberta agriculture,” Kenney said this week during a press conference. “It is truly a blessing, a godsend, and we owe our thanks to, well, you know.”
When pressed by reporters as to who, exactly, he was thanking for this year’s exceptional crop of wheat, corn, barley and canola, Kenney repeated that Alberta was very grateful for the agrarian gift that had been bestowed upon it and to everyone and everything responsible for it.
“Given the economic hardships that have befallen us and the continuing struggles of the oil industry, we could not be more thankful or more appreciative of the boon that has been granted to our farmers and our province,” Kenney continued. “And rest assured, the government of Alberta will continue to do whatever is necessary to ensure the fruitfulness of the land.”
“Fruitfulness of the land, fruitfulness of the land, fruitfulness of the land,” Kenney chanted softly, while clutching a small idol made of dried wheat so tightly he drew blood.
Despite numerous attempts by reporters to get specifics about what exactly the government was doing to ensure the “fruitfulness of the land,” Kenney would only say the government of Alberta is committed to helping its farmers by giving them whatever they require for the harvest, including equipment, scientific advisers, and “as many human… resources as are necessary until the reaping is complete.”
While Kenney began twitching noticeably when reporters attempted to get more information by asking about specific agricultural gods like Dagon, Enkimdu, and Xipe Totec, he flat out refused to answer anymore questions after CBC reporter Linda Horton asked if a recent change in the prayer said in the Alberta legislature to give thanks to ‘He Who Walks The Fields’ and ‘The Ravenous One’ had anything to do with this year’s harvest.
Horton could not be reached for comment as she has not been seen or heard from since leaving the press conference in her car, which was later found abandoned on the side of an isolated back-country road, overflowing with ripe wheat.


thebeaverton--2020-10-03--Bankrupt Trump kicked out of Walter Reed after health insurance declined

WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has been kicked out of the Walter Reed Medical Centre after his Presidential Health Insurance Plan was denied .
“ Sir , you can not pay for this assessment or an overnight stay as all of your credit cards have been declined , ” said a nurse to the visibly ill world leader .
“ We can ’ t accept steak knives or one of your sons as payment .
We all know Eric is worthless.
” Even though the 74-year-old President should have qualified for Medicare , doctors took his word that he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the body of a 25-year-old .
Trump refused to pay for the premiums calling it “ Obamacare.
” Unable to afford his remdesivir prescription to treat his case of COVID-19 , Trump made a desperate attempt by begging hospital staff for a hit of hydroxychloroquine before hospital security arrived to remove him .
The penniless president was escorted to a side street wearing only a hospital gown , a face mask worn beneath his chin , and his MAGA boxers where he stood waiting for Marine One to pick him up .
A @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a sad sight to see another bleach addict , but that won ’ t help him .
”

WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has been kicked out of the Walter Reed Medical Centre after his Presidential Health Insurance Plan was denied.
“Sir, you can not pay for this assessment or an overnight stay as all of your credit cards have been declined,” said a nurse to the visibly ill world leader. “We can’t accept steak knives or one of your sons as payment. We all know Eric is worthless.”
Even though the 74-year-old President should have qualified for Medicare, doctors took his word that he was in “extraordinary health” with the body of a 25-year-old. Trump refused to pay for the premiums calling it “Obamacare.”
Unable to afford his remdesivir prescription to treat his case of COVID-19, Trump made a desperate attempt by begging hospital staff for a hit of hydroxychloroquine before hospital security arrived to remove him.
The penniless president was escorted to a side street wearing only a hospital gown, a face mask worn beneath his chin, and his MAGA boxers where he stood waiting for Marine One to pick him up.
A sympathetic doctor was heard remarking “It’s a sad sight to see another bleach addict, but that won’t help him.”


thebeaverton--2020-10-03--Ford encourages families to spend Thanksgiving together by getting jobs at same indoor restaurant

QUEEN ’ S PARK – As the Province introduces new restrictions on social contact in response to COVID-19 , Premier Doug Ford has assured families they can absolutely still spend Thanksgiving together by taking on service jobs at the tens of thousands of enclosed , public spaces full of unmasked people that will remain open .
“ As we are now encouraging Ontarians to avoid socializing with those outside of their households , we know that many are worried that they won ’ t be able to enjoy much-needed time with their loved ones , ” Ford said in a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to reassure you that you will always be able to see the close friends and extended family you ’ d previously bubbled with as long as you can get your shift schedules to line up.
” “ And if that assistant manager Gene gives you any problems with that , tell him to come see me , ” added Ford .
Seeking to reduce transmission of the virus while heeding the important concerns of business leaders who really like bars , Ford encourages Ontarians to transfer their social bubbles from private homes to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The Province has released a handy guide for recreating cherished family traditions while on the clock in an enclosed , poorly ventilated space .
For example , instead of helping your mother make her famous lasagna in her kitchen , why not do it in the kitchen of your favourite East Side Mario ’ s , safely distanced by a few feet from strangers who are maskless , chewing , talking and drunk ?
“ Sadly , it is no longer safe for you to cuddle that baby nephew , whose family you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , in your living room .
But why not enjoy some after-shift shots with him at Jack Astors ?
Get the cool aunt thing started early !
” While responses to the new guidelines have been mixed , many Ontarians are finding ways to follow them while still seeing their families .
“ At first I thought it was really weird that I only get to see my grandparents when we end up working the same section , ” software engineer Greg Borbo of Mississauga told reporters .
“ Then again , I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ seeing them at all until we have a vaccine , so… hey could be worse.
” At press time , Ford suggested that friends and family who can not find work in restaurants can always try their luck at enrolling together in the same elementary school .

QUEEN’S PARK – As the Province introduces new restrictions on social contact in response to COVID-19, Premier Doug Ford has assured families they can absolutely still spend Thanksgiving together by taking on service jobs at the tens of thousands of enclosed, public spaces full of unmasked people that will remain open.
“As we are now encouraging Ontarians to avoid socializing with those outside of their households, we know that many are worried that they won’t be able to enjoy much-needed time with their loved ones,” Ford said in a statement. “But I am here to reassure you that you will always be able to see the close friends and extended family you’d previously bubbled with as long as you can get your shift schedules to line up.”
“And if that assistant manager Gene gives you any problems with that, tell him to come see me,” added Ford.
Seeking to reduce transmission of the virus while heeding the important concerns of business leaders who really like bars, Ford encourages Ontarians to transfer their social bubbles from private homes to the safer environment of indoor restaurants.
The Province has released a handy guide for recreating cherished family traditions while on the clock in an enclosed, poorly ventilated space. For example, instead of helping your mother make her famous lasagna in her kitchen, why not do it in the kitchen of your favourite East Side Mario’s, safely distanced by a few feet from strangers who are maskless, chewing, talking and drunk?
“Sadly, it is no longer safe for you to cuddle that baby nephew, whose family you have been carefully bubbling with for months, in your living room. But why not enjoy some after-shift shots with him at Jack Astors? Get the cool aunt thing started early!”
While responses to the new guidelines have been mixed, many Ontarians are finding ways to follow them while still seeing their families.
“At first I thought it was really weird that I only get to see my grandparents when we end up working the same section,” software engineer Greg Borbo of Mississauga told reporters. “Then again, I guess it’s better than not seeing them at all until we have a vaccine, so… hey could be worse.”
At press time, Ford suggested that friends and family who cannot find work in restaurants can always try their luck at enrolling together in the same elementary school.


thebeaverton--2020-10-04--Breaking: Stanley Cup won 6 days ago

Breaking: Stanley Cup won 6 days ago

TORONTO OR EDMONTON – Late reports indicate a team has won the NHL ’ s Stanley Cup nearly a week @ @ @ @ @ hockey squads played four to seven matches sometime in late September for the final round @ @ @ @ @ featured goals , saves , and some body contact .
As many hockey analysts predicted @ @ @ @ @ won a sufficient amount of games to be declared the victor and given the title @ @ @ @ @ ” “ I am happy to have won a Stanley Cup , ” said a @ @ @ @ @ “ I have waited so long for this trophy which will now bear my name @ @ @ @ @ thank my family and friends for supporting me in achieving this accolade and/or honour.
” @ @ @ @ @ for not winning .
Both teams appear to be based in the US , but @ @ @ @ @ as not to confuse players and fans .

TORONTO OR EDMONTON – Late reports indicate a team has won the NHL’s Stanley Cup nearly a week ago.
The two ice hockey squads played four to seven matches sometime in late September for the final round of the playoffs which presumably featured goals, saves, and some body contact.
As many hockey analysts predicted, one of the teams won a sufficient amount of games to be declared the victor and given the title “2020 Stanley Cup Champions.”
“I am happy to have won a Stanley Cup,” said a jubilant player, probably. “I have waited so long for this trophy which will now bear my name. I would like to thank my family and friends for supporting me in achieving this accolade and/or honour.”
The losing team looked disappointed for not winning.
Both teams appear to be based in the US, but wear different names and colours as not to confuse players and fans.


thebeaverton--2020-10-05--“I don’t like him, but I gotta say Ford has risen to the occasion” says man to his dead grandmother

TORONTO – While he did not vote for Doug Ford , local man Daniel Waite has confided that he is pretty impressed with his handling of the COVID crisis to the body of his dead grandmother , who passed away in one of the long-term care facilities that Ford knew was under threat in January , but did nothing about .
“ I mean , obviously I ’ m not a big fan of his style or the way he says ‘ folks ’ all the time , but think of how bad things could have been if he hadn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” said Waite as he used Zoom to remotely participate in his grandmother ’ s memorial service .
“ It just goes to show , you never know what people are capable of , ” he added over his mom ’ s sobs .
Ford ’ s popularity has been revived by his handling of the COVID pandemic , which has included highlights like the time he nodded as a doctor was speaking , the time he called anti-maskers ‘ yahoos ’ , and that time he re-opened schools with essentially no @ @ @ @ @ @ @ inevitable second wave that is currently undermining every bit of progress Ontarians earned by living in isolation for the last 6 months .
“ I mean , it ’ s either praise Doug Ford for doing a good job or recognize that we as a society are so desperate for a reassuring authority figure that we praised an incompetent buffoon even as his actions caused hundreds , if not thousands , of unnecessary deaths .
And I know which choice I ’ m going with , ” said Waite .
In related news @ @ @ @ @ @ @ only see your parents on thanksgiving if you pay for the meal and they collect HST .

TORONTO – While he did not vote for Doug Ford, local man Daniel Waite has confided that he is pretty impressed with his handling of the COVID crisis to the body of his dead grandmother, who passed away in one of the long-term care facilities that Ford knew was under threat in January, but did nothing about.
“I mean, obviously I’m not a big fan of his style or the way he says ‘folks’ all the time, but think of how bad things could have been if he hadn’t stepped up to the plate,” said Waite as he used Zoom to remotely participate in his grandmother’s memorial service.
“It just goes to show, you never know what people are capable of,” he added over his mom’s sobs.
Ford’s popularity has been revived by his handling of the COVID pandemic, which has included highlights like the time he nodded as a doctor was speaking, the time he called anti-maskers ‘yahoos’, and that time he re-opened schools with essentially no plan for how to deal with the inevitable second wave that is currently undermining every bit of progress Ontarians earned by living in isolation for the last 6 months.
“I mean, it’s either praise Doug Ford for doing a good job or recognize that we as a society are so desperate for a reassuring authority figure that we praised an incompetent buffoon even as his actions caused hundreds, if not thousands, of unnecessary deaths. And I know which choice I’m going with,” said Waite.
In related news Doug Ford has announced that you can only see your parents on thanksgiving if you pay for the meal and they collect HST.


thebeaverton--2020-10-05--Friend asking if you’re doing Sober October this year can fuck all the way off

Selkirk , MB – During a recent Zoom hang your friend Matt asked if you will be refraining from drinking this month , because he ’ s a piece of shit who should shut his shit mouth .
“ Am I going to give up drinking this month ?
, ” you responded , staring at his face in the top right hand corner of the 4 person call .
“ In the midst of a second wave of a pandemic , when I can ’ t see my family for fear I might call them , while I spend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ polls in order to determine whether the U.S. is going to vote for a fascist again ?
Um… probably not.
” “ I ’ m actually thinking of trying this new thing I just heard about called , ‘ Do All The Drugs October.
’ Not as catchy a title , but much more fun.
” That douchebag Matt was referring to the tradition where people in their 20s and 30s , after a summer spent drinking and partying with friends at cottages , baseball games , bars and basically anywhere that isn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to get healthy for a month by abstaining from alcohol .
However that idea isn ’ t particularly appealing to a lot of people this year for some reason .
“ Previously we ’ ve estimated about 5 % of the adult Canadian population participates in Sober October , ” said University of Manitoba professor Erik Glenn .
“ But in 2020 we expect it will only be Matt and other fuckhead fucks like him.
” “ I just think it might be fun to set booze aside for a while and focus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going on in our lives , ” said the guy who will hopefully be focusing on getting run over by a train any day now .
The zoom call ended when Matt suggested a fun game of Quiplash and everyone simultaneously hung up on him .

Selkirk, MB – During a recent Zoom hang your friend Matt asked if you will be refraining from drinking this month, because he’s a piece of shit who should shut his shit mouth.
“Am I going to give up drinking this month?,” you responded, staring at his face in the top right hand corner of the 4 person call. “In the midst of a second wave of a pandemic, when I can’t see my family for fear I might call them, while I spend all my free time reading articles and polls in order to determine whether the U.S. is going to vote for a fascist again? Um… probably not.”
“I’m actually thinking of trying this new thing I just heard about called, ‘Do All The Drugs October.’ Not as catchy a title, but much more fun.”
That douchebag Matt was referring to the tradition where people in their 20s and 30s, after a summer spent drinking and partying with friends at cottages, baseball games, bars and basically anywhere that isn’t their own apartment, opt to get healthy for a month by abstaining from alcohol. However that idea isn’t particularly appealing to a lot of people this year for some reason.
“Previously we’ve estimated about 5% of the adult Canadian population participates in Sober October,” said University of Manitoba professor Erik Glenn. “But in 2020 we expect it will only be Matt and other fuckhead fucks like him.”
“I just think it might be fun to set booze aside for a while and focus on all the other things we have going on in our lives,” said the guy who will hopefully be focusing on getting run over by a train any day now.
The zoom call ended when Matt suggested a fun game of Quiplash and everyone simultaneously hung up on him.


thebeaverton--2020-10-05--As Gay Twitter reclaims #ProudBoys hashtag, Proud Boys change name to “Leather Men”

OTTAWA – In response to a demonstration by gay twitter users to reclaim the # ProudBoys hashtag , hate group the Proud Boys have distanced themselves from the LGBTQA+ community by renaming their group the “ Leather Men ” .
In response to President Trump ’ s seeming-endorsement of the Proud Boys , a group classified by the FBI as “ an extremist group with ties to white nationalism ” , Gay Twitter took action .
The hashtag # ProudBoys was flooded with images of gay male service members , as well as other same sex couples , prompting the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ We Proud Boys stand up for Western Chauvinism and political violence , ” explained Proud Boys founder Gavin McInnes , “ but we can ’ t allow ourselves to be associated with all this gay content .
That ’ s why we ’ re changing our group ’ s name to something manly and tough , with cool matching leather jackets that could never be misconstrued.
” “ There ’ s absolutely nothing gay about a bunch of dudes hanging around each other in leather .
Go Leather Men !
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ While members of the far right gang were admittedly sad to lose their iconic Fred Perry polo shirts and Proud Boys name , many seem optimistic about the new Leather Men branding .
“ Just imagine how cool it ’ ll look when a bunch of us dudes show up to a bar together all wearing badass leather , ” exclaimed Marcus Smith , Proud Boys member and Orange Julius assistant manager .
“ Some of the guys are even gon na take it a step further , and wear leather caps , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cool leather harnesses they sell in specialty stores .
No one ’ ll ever make fun of us again !
” Given the former Proud Boys focus on Men ’ s Rights , several members plan to use their group ’ s new branding to advocate for divorced men not having to pay alimony , posting under the hashtag # LeatherDaddies .
At press time the Leather Men ( formerly Proud Boys ) organization is reporting record applications for membership , mostly through Grindr .

OTTAWA – In response to a demonstration by gay twitter users to reclaim the #ProudBoys hashtag, hate group the Proud Boys have distanced themselves from the LGBTQA+ community by renaming their group the “Leather Men”.
In response to President Trump’s seeming-endorsement of the Proud Boys, a group classified by the FBI as “an extremist group with ties to white nationalism”, Gay Twitter took action. The hashtag #ProudBoys was flooded with images of gay male service members, as well as other same sex couples, prompting the actual Proud Boys to change their name.
“We Proud Boys stand up for Western Chauvinism and political violence,” explained Proud Boys founder Gavin McInnes, “but we can’t allow ourselves to be associated with all this gay content. That’s why we’re changing our group’s name to something manly and tough, with cool matching leather jackets that could never be misconstrued.”
“There’s absolutely nothing gay about a bunch of dudes hanging around each other in leather. Go Leather Men!” chanted McInnes to his identically-clad followers.
While members of the far right gang were admittedly sad to lose their iconic Fred Perry polo shirts and Proud Boys name, many seem optimistic about the new Leather Men branding. “Just imagine how cool it’ll look when a bunch of us dudes show up to a bar together all wearing badass leather,” exclaimed Marcus Smith, Proud Boys member and Orange Julius assistant manager.
“Some of the guys are even gonna take it a step further, and wear leather caps, or even go extra-tough and wear those cool leather harnesses they sell in specialty stores. No one’ll ever make fun of us again!”
Given the former Proud Boys focus on Men’s Rights, several members plan to use their group’s new branding to advocate for divorced men not having to pay alimony, posting under the hashtag #LeatherDaddies.
At press time the Leather Men (formerly Proud Boys) organization is reporting record applications for membership, mostly through Grindr.


thebeaverton--2020-10-06--Most gorgeous woman you’ve ever met dating local potato

Burnaby , BC – Local residents were shocked and confused to learn that 27-year old Rachel Besimille , a woman so gorgeous that she has caused many to re-evaluate the 1-10 rating scale entirely , is currently dating a literal spud .
Despite Besimille ’ s goddess-rivalling looks , her successful career , charming personality , and fashion sense that is both classically stylish and creatively bold , she has typically chosen to romantically partner herself with men who fail to maintain even the most modest of expectations .
Instead of once again dating another awkward , lumpy man-child who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hygiene , or carry any sort of conversation , Besimille has decided that she would be better off getting romantically involved with a literal potato .
“ Every guy I ’ ve ever dated has been boring at best and downright exhausting at worst , so I figured that if I ’ m going to be carrying around this much dead weight in a relationship it may as well be something that I can fit into my handbag , ” stated Besimille .
“ At least now when I say I got us @ @ @ @ @ @ @ doesn ’ t complain and say that musicals exist to shelter lazy writing , he simply sits there and silently supports my choices without cutting me down.
” Several of Besimille ’ s exes have stated they hold no ill-will to the new lover .
“ I mean whatever , she can do what she likes I guess , ” stated aspiring DJ/Stand-Up comedian Bradley Blonk while wearing a decade-old oversized stained brown t-shirt .
“ But when we dated I once took her out to my favourite Taco Bell for our anniversary @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do that !
” In recent weeks Besimille and her potato of a partner have made their relationship social media official by posting a photo together on Instagram .
The sharpie-assisted smile on the potato ’ s face somehow marks the first ever time that Besimille has had a partner look happy to be next to her .
Despite being so far out of all her exes league that many considered her past relationships to be largely fueled by some sort of lost bet or witches curse , Besimille is moving forward with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wanted .
“ When I cuddle my potato it doesn ’ t complain , and it never once has made rude comments about my friends or music tastes , ” Besimille explained with a bright smile on her face .
“ Best of all , once I dropped it and to be honest it was the first time someone I ’ ve dated has gone down on me without being asked , so I couldn ’ t be happier .
”

Burnaby, BC – Local residents were shocked and confused to learn that 27-year old Rachel Besimille, a woman so gorgeous that she has caused many to re-evaluate the 1-10 rating scale entirely, is currently dating a literal spud.
Despite Besimille’s goddess-rivalling looks, her successful career, charming personality, and fashion sense that is both classically stylish and creatively bold, she has typically chosen to romantically partner herself with men who fail to maintain even the most modest of expectations. Instead of once again dating another awkward, lumpy man-child who can barely dress himself, maintain basic hygiene, or carry any sort of conversation, Besimille has decided that she would be better off getting romantically involved with a literal potato.
“Every guy I’ve ever dated has been boring at best and downright exhausting at worst, so I figured that if I’m going to be carrying around this much dead weight in a relationship it may as well be something that I can fit into my handbag,” stated Besimille. “At least now when I say I got us tickets to see Hamilton, my partner doesn’t complain and say that musicals exist to shelter lazy writing, he simply sits there and silently supports my choices without cutting me down.”
Several of Besimille’s exes have stated they hold no ill-will to the new lover. “I mean whatever, she can do what she likes I guess,” stated aspiring DJ/Stand-Up comedian Bradley Blonk while wearing a decade-old oversized stained brown t-shirt. “But when we dated I once took her out to my favourite Taco Bell for our anniversary so let’s see a potato do that!”
In recent weeks Besimille and her potato of a partner have made their relationship social media official by posting a photo together on Instagram. The sharpie-assisted smile on the potato’s face somehow marks the first ever time that Besimille has had a partner look happy to be next to her. Despite being so far out of all her exes league that many considered her past relationships to be largely fueled by some sort of lost bet or witches curse, Besimille is moving forward with the first relationship that makes her feel wanted.
“When I cuddle my potato it doesn’t complain, and it never once has made rude comments about my friends or music tastes,” Besimille explained with a bright smile on her face. “Best of all, once I dropped it and to be honest it was the first time someone I’ve dated has gone down on me without being asked, so I couldn’t be happier.”


thebeaverton--2020-10-06--Rent luckily winding down the same time as CERB

OTTAWA – With millions still out of work due to the global pandemic , the federal government is stopping the $ 2000 Canadian Emergency Response Benefit after learning that rent would also be ending in the fall .
“ The program was originally rolled out to help those suddenly out of work pay for rent , utilities and food ” said disgraced former minister of finance Bill Morneau “ But now that people no longer have to pay for those things we ’ ve decided not to extend the program .
Grocery stores now have free food on Fridays , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Landlords are famous for their generosity and kind spirits , ” stated Ontario Landlord association Victor Rum .
“ So we have collectively decided to stop charging rent when CERB finishes .
Although we have also decided that we still won ’ t pay to fix the heating.
” Many Covid response programs are being cancelled now that the problems they addressed have gone away .
For example Ontario ended a ban on indoor dining in restaurants when the virus stopped being transmitted among large groups of people sitting inside without masks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , which is just like CERB except that it ’ s harder to access , does not cover as many people , and is less money , ” stated yet to be disgraced current minister of finance Chrystia Freeland .
“ As an added bonus it slows down the processing of other employment insurance benefits such as maternity and paternity leave.
” Many schools have decided to move classes online now that laptops and broadband access fall from the sky , free of any expense for families .

OTTAWA – With millions still out of work due to the global pandemic, the federal government is stopping the $2000 Canadian Emergency Response Benefit after learning that rent would also be ending in the fall.
“The program was originally rolled out to help those suddenly out of work pay for rent, utilities and food” said disgraced former minister of finance Bill Morneau “But now that people no longer have to pay for those things we’ve decided not to extend the program. Grocery stores now have free food on Fridays, so that’ll help too.”
“Landlords are famous for their generosity and kind spirits,” stated Ontario Landlord association Victor Rum. “So we have collectively decided to stop charging rent when CERB finishes. Although we have also decided that we still won’t pay to fix the heating.”
Many Covid response programs are being cancelled now that the problems they addressed have gone away. For example Ontario ended a ban on indoor dining in restaurants when the virus stopped being transmitted among large groups of people sitting inside without masks.
“CERB is transitioning to CRB, which is just like CERB except that it’s harder to access, does not cover as many people, and is less money,” stated yet to be disgraced current minister of finance Chrystia Freeland. “As an added bonus it slows down the processing of other employment insurance benefits such as maternity and paternity leave.”
Many schools have decided to move classes online now that laptops and broadband access fall from the sky, free of any expense for families.


thebeaverton--2020-10-06--Entire world stocking up on celebration champagne “for no reason, just in case”

EARTH – Across the globe sales of champagne , a beverage commonly associated with celebrating good news , have spiked , with customers insisting it ’ s “ not for any particular occasion ” while simultaneously refreshing their phones ’ newsfeeds for some reason .
“ Sales of Veuve Clicquot , Dom Perignon , Moët & Chandon , they ’ re all through the roof !
But , uh , who ’ s to say why , really , ” remarked Anthony Jacobson , an alcoholic spirits retailer , as he kept one eye glued to a nearby TV screen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Wait , Breaking News !
Oh , never mind , it ’ s just some hurricane .
Anyway , like I said , everyone ’ s stocking up on the bubbly for a completely unspecified event.
” Market analysts report that the worldwide rush on champagne and other “ celebration drinks ” began precisely last Friday morning , and has continued through the weekend and into this week .
Experts also speculate that any correlation between this stockpiling of party drinks with a sharp recent uptick in global news consumption “ is likely @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that , in addition to champagne , sales have also jumped for items such as party hats , noisemakers , and loud jubilant music .
These numbers have been reported worldwide , in Europe , Asia , Latin America , as well as the majority of the United States .
“ Curiously , these items are all in demand despite it being nowhere near New Years Eve , ” mused economist Celia Folgerman , of London .
“ Not to mention given the pandemic , large scale gatherings won ’ t be happening @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s almost as if nearly every person on the planet is all waiting in anticipation of some wonderful news they can all celebrate independently and simultaneously , ” the economist added .
Folgerman then glanced expectantly at his phone , and resumed drumming her fingers eagerly .
While the mysterious surge in celebration-related spending remains a mystery , experts predict it will be finite , lasting “ no longer than , say , the life expectancy of a 74-year-old man with obesity and his chances of survival against an aggressive virus that he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ months.
” Meanwhile , citizens around the world continue to buy up champagne in droves .
“ Always good to have some bubbly around , ” exclaimed Hiro Sinzo , of Tokyo .
“ If he kicks it , we celebrate , and if he survives , we drown our sorrows .
But , also , I have no idea who I ’ m referring to here .
”

EARTH – Across the globe sales of champagne, a beverage commonly associated with celebrating good news, have spiked, with customers insisting it’s “not for any particular occasion” while simultaneously refreshing their phones’ newsfeeds for some reason.
“Sales of Veuve Clicquot, Dom Perignon, Moët & Chandon, they’re all through the roof! But, uh, who’s to say why, really,” remarked Anthony Jacobson, an alcoholic spirits retailer, as he kept one eye glued to a nearby TV screen playing CNN.
Jacobson added, “Wait, Breaking News! Oh, never mind, it’s just some hurricane. Anyway, like I said, everyone’s stocking up on the bubbly for a completely unspecified event.”
Market analysts report that the worldwide rush on champagne and other “celebration drinks” began precisely last Friday morning, and has continued through the weekend and into this week. Experts also speculate that any correlation between this stockpiling of party drinks with a sharp recent uptick in global news consumption “is likely a statistical anomaly”.
Retailers report that, in addition to champagne, sales have also jumped for items such as party hats, noisemakers, and loud jubilant music. These numbers have been reported worldwide, in Europe, Asia, Latin America, as well as the majority of the United States.
“Curiously, these items are all in demand despite it being nowhere near New Years Eve,” mused economist Celia Folgerman, of London. “Not to mention given the pandemic, large scale gatherings won’t be happening for some time. “It’s almost as if nearly every person on the planet is all waiting in anticipation of some wonderful news they can all celebrate independently and simultaneously,” the economist added.
Folgerman then glanced expectantly at his phone, and resumed drumming her fingers eagerly.
While the mysterious surge in celebration-related spending remains a mystery, experts predict it will be finite, lasting “no longer than, say, the life expectancy of a 74-year-old man with obesity and his chances of survival against an aggressive virus that he may or may not have ignored for months.”
Meanwhile, citizens around the world continue to buy up champagne in droves. “Always good to have some bubbly around,” exclaimed Hiro Sinzo, of Tokyo.
“If he kicks it, we celebrate, and if he survives, we drown our sorrows. But, also, I have no idea who I’m referring to here.”


thebeaverton--2020-10-06--Premier Ford still not convinced flames shooting from neighbour’s house is sufficient evidence to ca

Premier Ford still not convinced flames shooting from neighbour’s house is sufficient evidence to call fire department

TORONTO – Despite heavy smoke and his neighbour screaming “ my house is on fire , ” Ontario Premier Doug Ford is not ready to call in the fire department .
With flames shooting out of the attic , the Premier has been cautious not to call this a house fire .
“ Show me the evidence that this is a fire , and I will call 911 , ” said the Premier who was in possession of a cell phone .
“ We need to exhaust every other alternative to this being a fire before we make a difficult @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rule out a light show or an optical illusion instead of assuming that the inferno poses a real risk to people ’ s lives .
“ We have to think about the livelihoods of our firefighters , ” said Ford .
“ If they come out here and discover that this house is not on fire , they would be pretty disappointed .
They put their lives into fighting real fires.
” Ford encouraged bystanders to take half measures such as keeping a safe distance from hot areas and not inhale smoke , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ home was not in any immediate danger .
“ There are many points in which my neighbours can agree on this , such as the increasing temperature and how people can take precautions when entering the two-storey detached home , but we should get more advice on this from the experts.
” As flames spread to other houses , Ford said he would consider the screaming requests with an appropriate decision-making apparatus once conversations occurred with the right homeowners .

TORONTO – Despite heavy smoke and his neighbour screaming “my house is on fire,” Ontario Premier Doug Ford is not ready to call in the fire department.
With flames shooting out of the attic, the Premier has been cautious not to call this a house fire.
“Show me the evidence that this is a fire, and I will call 911,” said the Premier who was in possession of a cell phone. “We need to exhaust every other alternative to this being a fire before we make a difficult decision.”
Ford said he needs to rule out a light show or an optical illusion instead of assuming that the inferno poses a real risk to people’s lives.
“We have to think about the livelihoods of our firefighters,” said Ford. “If they come out here and discover that this house is not on fire, they would be pretty disappointed. They put their lives into fighting real fires.”
Ford encouraged bystanders to take half measures such as keeping a safe distance from hot areas and not inhale smoke, but continued to assume the fully engulfed home was not in any immediate danger.
“There are many points in which my neighbours can agree on this, such as the increasing temperature and how people can take precautions when entering the two-storey detached home, but we should get more advice on this from the experts.”
As flames spread to other houses, Ford said he would consider the screaming requests with an appropriate decision-making apparatus once conversations occurred with the right homeowners.


thebeaverton--2020-10-07--Alberta announces plan to grow VHS industry

EDMONTON – Alberta ’ s UCP government has announced a sweeping plan to increase the size of Alberta ’ s VHS industry in an attempt to give the ailing province a much needed economic boost .
“ For too long , the nation ’ s VHS industry has had to deal with a lack of confidence from policy makers coupled with onerous government regulation , ” Premier Jason Kenney said while announcing the province ’ s new magnetic tape-based economic strategy .
“ Alberta is committing to removing the red tape which has held those black tapes back for so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are vital to creating a bright and prosperous future for our province in which everything will be exactly like it was in the 1990s.
” VHS ( Video Home System ) was the standard home video viewing medium for decades and while demand is currently at a historic low point , the government of Alberta is confident that the VHS industry will bounce back stronger than ever given the right combination of government subsidies , aggressive pro-tape legislation , and magical thinking .
“ Just because demand for a product has already peaked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by every major economics expert is no reason not to bet a province ’ s future on it , ” Kenney said , proudly showing off a row of new made-in-Alberta VCRs and camcorders .
“ If Betamax and LaserDisc couldn ’ t destroy VHS , I think it ’ s clear nothing can.
” The heavy VHS push is being called shortsighted by the provincial NDP , who when they were in power adopted a more well-rounded approach of continuing to offer massive government support for VHS while also subscribing to Netflix @

EDMONTON – Alberta’s UCP government has announced a sweeping plan to increase the size of Alberta’s VHS industry in an attempt to give the ailing province a much needed economic boost.
“For too long, the nation’s VHS industry has had to deal with a lack of confidence from policy makers coupled with onerous government regulation,” Premier Jason Kenney said while announcing the province’s new magnetic tape-based economic strategy.
“Alberta is committing to removing the red tape which has held those black tapes back for so long. Alberta’s VHS producers are vital to creating a bright and prosperous future for our province in which everything will be exactly like it was in the 1990s.”
VHS (Video Home System) was the standard home video viewing medium for decades and while demand is currently at a historic low point, the government of Alberta is confident that the VHS industry will bounce back stronger than ever given the right combination of government subsidies, aggressive pro-tape legislation, and magical thinking.
“Just because demand for a product has already peaked and an industry is considered increasingly obsolete by every major economics expert is no reason not to bet a province’s future on it,” Kenney said, proudly showing off a row of new made-in-Alberta VCRs and camcorders.
“If Betamax and LaserDisc couldn’t destroy VHS, I think it’s clear nothing can.”
The heavy VHS push is being called shortsighted by the provincial NDP, who when they were in power adopted a more well-rounded approach of continuing to offer massive government support for VHS while also subscribing to Netflix.


thebeaverton--2020-10-08--Facebook adds new relationship option: “We’re fucking because they’re in my bubble”

Surrey , BC – Facebook has released a new relationship option for users who are fucking because they ’ re in each other ’ s bubbles .
“ It ’ s great , ” said Mark Sanchez , who ’ s been sleeping with his dog walker Joe Andrews since social bubbles were announced .
“ I live alone and in normal circumstances I wouldn ’ t sleep with him because I ’ m not attracted to him but come June , Joe was starting to look mighty tasty .
Call it quarantine goggles or whatever but turns out Joe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ buddied up .
Also – our miniature schnauzers really get along .
And so do our dogs !
” According to Sanchez , things got complicated when friends and family started asking if the “ couple ” were dating or even living together .
“ Luckily , that ’ s when Facebook released the bubble-fucking relationship option.
” Sanchez explained that by announcing the specific terms and conditions of his sex life publicly on Facebook , it cleared up any ambiguity surrounding his relationship with Joe .
“ It ’ s a one-shot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of likes and comments on the post , including a high-spirited gif from Aunt Jillian in Medicine Hat !
” Facebook says that the new relationship option is even more successful than other recent additions like ‘ year in review ’ videos and ‘ selling out to the alt-right.
’ However , some reviewers are less than satisfied with the new update .
“ We ’ re sleeping together because they ’ re in my bubble but only because they ’ re in my bubble , ” stated Ann Nguyen , who has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her copulation with her sister ’ s roommate Greg .
“ You only get ten people in your bubble , right ?
I take up a slot , then my two roommates , plus my parents and sister – so that ’ s already six .
There isn ’ t much room to “ fuck around ” , sort of speak and , let me tell you , after five months , mama was in need of a lay .
So , unfortunately , I settled on Greg , who for context is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ disclosed that once she can safely meet with people outside her bubble , she ’ ll cease all fornicating with Greg and wished the new Facebook status outlined that .
Facebook has announced that additional pandemic related relationship options will soon be available including “ Filing for divorce because I ’ m married to the ‘ we ’ ll circle back ’ guy ” , and “ I stabbed my husband for speaking so fucking loud on work calls all day .
”

Surrey, BC – Facebook has released a new relationship option for users who are fucking because they’re in each other’s bubbles.
“It’s great,” said Mark Sanchez, who’s been sleeping with his dog walker Joe Andrews since social bubbles were announced. “I live alone and in normal circumstances I wouldn’t sleep with him because I’m not attracted to him but come June, Joe was starting to look mighty tasty. Call it quarantine goggles or whatever but turns out Joe was also living alone, so we buddied up. Also – our miniature schnauzers really get along. And so do our dogs!”
According to Sanchez, things got complicated when friends and family started asking if the “couple” were dating or even living together. “Luckily, that’s when Facebook released the bubble-fucking relationship option.” Sanchez explained that by announcing the specific terms and conditions of his sex life publicly on Facebook, it cleared up any ambiguity surrounding his relationship with Joe. “It’s a one-shot fix. I even received a bunch of likes and comments on the post, including a high-spirited gif from Aunt Jillian in Medicine Hat!”
Facebook says that the new relationship option is even more successful than other recent additions like ‘year in review’ videos and ‘selling out to the alt-right.’ However, some reviewers are less than satisfied with the new update.
“We’re sleeping together because they’re in my bubble but only because they’re in my bubble,” stated Ann Nguyen, who has used the new Facebook feature to announce her copulation with her sister’s roommate Greg. “You only get ten people in your bubble, right? I take up a slot, then my two roommates, plus my parents and sister – so that’s already six. There isn’t much room to “fuck around”, sort of speak and, let me tell you, after five months, mama was in need of a lay. So, unfortunately, I settled on Greg, who for context is still talking about Tiger King.”
Nguyen disclosed that once she can safely meet with people outside her bubble, she’ll cease all fornicating with Greg and wished the new Facebook status outlined that.
Facebook has announced that additional pandemic related relationship options will soon be available including “Filing for divorce because I’m married to the ‘we’ll circle back’ guy”, and “I stabbed my husband for speaking so fucking loud on work calls all day.”


thebeaverton--2020-10-08--Mom’s anecdote of running into Barb transformed into twelve volume saga

KITCHENER , ON – In a developing story , local mom and master orator Ruth Baxter , 57 , has miraculously transformed her anecdote of running into Barb , a woman her family has only a passing familiarity with , into a gripping twelve-part saga .
“ I knew we were in for it when she handed out a map of the greater Kitchener-Waterloo area and character sheet , ” said son and unwilling audience member Caleb Baxter , “ and now here we are , two hours into the story and she hasn ’ t even mentioned Barb yet.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ began her tale with an in-depth description of the event ’ s weather , before going on to chronicle her voyage towards Loblaws , which took her across parking lots and suburban cul de sacs , at one point describing each building within a ten mile radius that used to be a Zellers , a detail that , while bearing no relevance to her story , still received a full 20 minutes .
“ I don ’ t even know which Barb she ’ s talking about , ” admitted husband of 23 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ won ’ t know for at least another hour .
She ’ s basically the George R. Martin of banal anecdotes.
” As her epic yarn continued , Baxter expounded on many topics including : her preference of Loblaws over Sobeys ; the changing colours of leaves ; and the ongoing construction on Wellington street .
While the Baxter family may currently be growing fatigued with the seemingly unending epic , it is receiving noticeable attention from scholars .
“ Mrs .
Baxter has earned a place in the Oral tradition alongside Homer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Henry Gonzales .
“ Both in terms of the epic quality of her journey and in terms of sheer duration .
One day this saga will be studied in schools.
” At press time , Ruth had not yet introduced the titular Barb of her story , as she was halfway through reciting every item on her grocery list .

KITCHENER, ON – In a developing story, local mom and master orator Ruth Baxter, 57, has miraculously transformed her anecdote of running into Barb, a woman her family has only a passing familiarity with, into a gripping twelve-part saga.
“I knew we were in for it when she handed out a map of the greater Kitchener-Waterloo area and character sheet,” said son and unwilling audience member Caleb Baxter, “and now here we are, two hours into the story and she hasn’t even mentioned Barb yet.”
Witnesses report the modern day bard began her tale with an in-depth description of the event’s weather, before going on to chronicle her voyage towards Loblaws, which took her across parking lots and suburban cul de sacs, at one point describing each building within a ten mile radius that used to be a Zellers, a detail that, while bearing no relevance to her story, still received a full 20 minutes.
“I don’t even know which Barb she’s talking about,” admitted husband of 23 years Rick Baxter, “and I won’t know for at least another hour. She’s basically the George R. Martin of banal anecdotes.”
As her epic yarn continued, Baxter expounded on many topics including: her preference of Loblaws over Sobeys; the changing colours of leaves; and the ongoing construction on Wellington street. While the Baxter family may currently be growing fatigued with the seemingly unending epic, it is receiving noticeable attention from scholars.
“Mrs. Baxter has earned a place in the Oral tradition alongside Homer himself,” said Classics historian Dr. Henry Gonzales. “Both in terms of the epic quality of her journey and in terms of sheer duration. One day this saga will be studied in schools.”
At press time, Ruth had not yet introduced the titular Barb of her story, as she was halfway through reciting every item on her grocery list.


thebeaverton--2020-10-09--Guy Fieri and 4 other guys who aren’t nearly as awful as they look

These days it appears that most men are trash .
As a trashy man , I can confirm .
However , once in a while , a man emerges that seems to dress and probably smell bad , but turns out to be way better than they look .
Here are 5 classic examples of grungy guys that are unexpectedly good .
With his permanently frosted tips and eternally flamed t-shirts , this American BBQ chef looks like he ’ d believe that the Earth is flat and that Blue Lives Matter .
However he couldn ’ t be nicer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a Restaurant Employee Relief Fund in the midst of quarantine , and officiated 101 gay weddings at one time .
The man is so kind people petitioned to change the name of Columbus , Ohio to Flavortown – one change that couldn ’ t be more welcome .
This rugged lead of The Sopranos would have you thinking that the dastardly deeds of Tony Soprano wouldn ’ t be something out of the ordinary for the actor himself .
But after personally cutting checks to co-stars who never got DVD sales of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Harvey Weinstein ( a man somehow way worse than he looks ) he ends up being a surprisingly swell guy .
Plus he loved Dookie .
A win for me !
The Wire creator David Simon somehow looks like a combination of the two aforementioned dudes with an added pinch of ‘ Well , actually.
’ Well , actually , David Simon has a tendency to fight the good fight on Twitter , being up at 3:00 AM on Twitter to defend Black Lives Matter from trolls who honestly kinda look like him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ eliminate He-Man is a little out there and he does look like the literal embodiment of death , but his tendency to take losses lightly and his affinity for animals proves there ’ s a warm beating heart under that creepy , skeletal facade .
This evil-adjacent billionaire may have allegedly exacerbated COVID cases in their warehouses , cut back on health care benefits for his workers , avoided taxes , is reluctant to use his massive wealth to address societal issues , and is mean .
But luckily for him , no @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to his hollow smile villainous Lex Luthor-like appearance .
He ’ s not as bad as he looks because no one can be !

These days it appears that most men are trash. As a trashy man, I can confirm. However, once in a while, a man emerges that seems to dress and probably smell bad, but turns out to be way better than they look. Here are 5 classic examples of grungy guys that are unexpectedly good.
1. Guy Fieri
With his permanently frosted tips and eternally flamed t-shirts, this American BBQ chef looks like he’d believe that the Earth is flat and that Blue Lives Matter. However he couldn’t be nicer, given that this big guy spearheaded a Restaurant Employee Relief Fund in the midst of quarantine, and officiated 101 gay weddings at one time. The man is so kind people petitioned to change the name of Columbus, Ohio to Flavortown – one change that couldn’t be more welcome.
2. James Gandolfini
This rugged lead of The Sopranos would have you thinking that the dastardly deeds of Tony Soprano wouldn’t be something out of the ordinary for the actor himself. But after personally cutting checks to co-stars who never got DVD sales of the show, and threatening to beat up Harvey Weinstein (a man somehow way worse than he looks) he ends up being a surprisingly swell guy. Plus he loved Dookie. A win for me!
3. David Simon
The Wire creator David Simon somehow looks like a combination of the two aforementioned dudes with an added pinch of ‘Well, actually.’ Well, actually, David Simon has a tendency to fight the good fight on Twitter, being up at 3:00 AM on Twitter to defend Black Lives Matter from trolls who honestly kinda look like him.
4. Skeletor
Sure, his ongoing quest to eliminate He-Man is a little out there and he does look like the literal embodiment of death, but his tendency to take losses lightly and his affinity for animals proves there’s a warm beating heart under that creepy, skeletal facade.
5. Jeff Bezos
This evil-adjacent billionaire may have allegedly exacerbated COVID cases in their warehouses, cut back on health care benefits for his workers, avoided taxes, is reluctant to use his massive wealth to address societal issues, and is mean. But luckily for him, no evil deed he can do measures up to his hollow smile villainous Lex Luthor-like appearance. He’s not as bad as he looks because no one can be!


thebeaverton--2020-10-09--Local man schedules his authoritarianism anxiety around his pandemic anxiety

RED DEER , MB – Local man Marcus Strohn has reported creating an efficient schedule that balances his anxiety over the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic with his anxiety over the creeping global march of political authoritarianism .
“ It ’ s all about balance , ” explained Strohn , 32 , as he opened his google calendar and typed a new entry labelled ‘ Police Militarization Freakout – 12:30pm-1:30pm ’ .
“ I found that my different anxieties were getting in the way of one another .
Like I ’ d realize it ’ d been 3 days since I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whether they ’ re even going to find a vaccine , ” said Strohn .
“ Now that I ’ m scheduling my anxieties , I know what fear will be keeping me up all night , and on which nights.
” “ The answer , of course , is all of the nights , ” Strohn added with a chuckle .
Strohn ’ s meticulous calendar categorizes his two main anxieties into several sub-fears .
Under the Authoritarianism heading he carves out time to worry about topics like Trump , Shadowy Oligarchs @ @ @ @ @ @ @ something labelled only as “ Robot Tanks ” .
As for the Pandemic Anxieties , Strohn takes a somewhat less-structured approach .
“ COVID news is constantly evolving , and I need the flexibility to worry about up-to-date symptoms and infection vectors , ” explained Strohn as he entered his 5th consecutive minute of hand washing .
“ Can you imagine if I kept locked into a rigid Pandemic Worry Schedule ?
I ’ d still be worrying about wiping down my groceries instead of chewing all my fingernails stressing out about whether @ @ @ @ @ @ @ street is an asymptomatic carrier !
” Strohn added , “ Of course sometimes I get to worry about the government using their COVID failures to further control us .
Then I ’ m able to worry about both categories at the same time , and free up space for more worrying !
” Friends and family of Strohn have admitted to being impressed by his anxiety scheduling results .
“ It ’ s actually sorta impressive , ” added Melissa Strohn , Marcus ’ sister .
“ Most of us only manage @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stressed out doomscrolling a day , but Marcus is up to 13 hours , minimum .
You can ’ t argue with those results .
Or the multiple ulcers he ’ s developed.
” Strohn remains optimistic that , if he keeps to his rigorous anxiety schedule , he should have “ no problem ” fitting in his Season Affective Disorder .
Asked whether he sees himself ever ramping down his anxiety schedule , Strohn remained optimistic .
“ I think as long as humanity keeps acting as responsibly as it has been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ remain pretty packed .
”

RED DEER, MB – Local man Marcus Strohn has reported creating an efficient schedule that balances his anxiety over the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic with his anxiety over the creeping global march of political authoritarianism.
“It’s all about balance,” explained Strohn, 32, as he opened his google calendar and typed a new entry labelled ‘Police Militarization Freakout – 12:30pm-1:30pm’.
“I found that my different anxieties were getting in the way of one another. Like I’d realize it’d been 3 days since I’d lain awake til 3am worrying about whether they’re even going to find a vaccine,” said Strohn. “Now that I’m scheduling my anxieties, I know what fear will be keeping me up all night, and on which nights.”
“The answer, of course, is all of the nights,” Strohn added with a chuckle.
Strohn’s meticulous calendar categorizes his two main anxieties into several sub-fears. Under the Authoritarianism heading he carves out time to worry about topics like Trump, Shadowy Oligarchs, Loss Of Online Privacy, and something labelled only as “Robot Tanks”. As for the Pandemic Anxieties, Strohn takes a somewhat less-structured approach.
“COVID news is constantly evolving, and I need the flexibility to worry about up-to-date symptoms and infection vectors,” explained Strohn as he entered his 5th consecutive minute of hand washing. “Can you imagine if I kept locked into a rigid Pandemic Worry Schedule? I’d still be worrying about wiping down my groceries instead of chewing all my fingernails stressing out about whether every single person I pass on the street is an asymptomatic carrier!”
Strohn added, “Of course sometimes I get to worry about the government using their COVID failures to further control us. Then I’m able to worry about both categories at the same time, and free up space for more worrying!”
Friends and family of Strohn have admitted to being impressed by his anxiety scheduling results. “It’s actually sorta impressive,” added Melissa Strohn, Marcus’ sister. “Most of us only manage to get in a couple hours of stressed out doomscrolling a day, but Marcus is up to 13 hours, minimum. You can’t argue with those results. Or the multiple ulcers he’s developed.”
Strohn remains optimistic that, if he keeps to his rigorous anxiety schedule, he should have “no problem” fitting in his Season Affective Disorder. Asked whether he sees himself ever ramping down his anxiety schedule, Strohn remained optimistic.
“I think as long as humanity keeps acting as responsibly as it has been, my schedule’s gonna remain pretty packed.”


thebeaverton--2020-10-09--Kindergartener hoarding crayons to make great landlord one day

TORONTO – Little Braydon Humphries , 4 , a precocious kindergartener with a penchant for taking all the crayons for himself has already been pegged by his teacher as someone who will definitely be a landlord one day .
“ You can just tell he has what it takes to charge $ 1,900.00 for a basement apartment , ” said his teacher Cindy as Bradyon screamed ‘ mine , mine , mine !
’ at any child who tried to take a crayon .
“ With no heat !
” “ His confidence and decision making skills are really high @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know he ’ ll have no problem choosing to ignore months of emails advising that there was no water pressure , only to then send a separate email renovicting the tenants that complained.
” Braydon , who is described as a “ lovely boy ” by his mom and “ the kid that bit me ” by his classmate Suzie doesn ’ t know if he wants to be a landlord .
Although he did admit that the idea of acquiring unnecessary property and wealth through no effort was appealing .
“ My @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
” he said joyously .
He then threw a plastic toy house at Jackson to keep him away from the crayons that Braydon was no longer using .
“ He ’ s going to do well at Landlord and Tenant Board hearings , ” added Cindy .
In related news the student pinching other kids just to see the look of pain in their faces was looking forward to his future career as a CEO .

TORONTO – Little Braydon Humphries, 4, a precocious kindergartener with a penchant for taking all the crayons for himself has already been pegged by his teacher as someone who will definitely be a landlord one day.
“You can just tell he has what it takes to charge $1,900.00 for a basement apartment,” said his teacher Cindy as Bradyon screamed ‘mine, mine, mine!’ at any child who tried to take a crayon. “With no heat!”
“His confidence and decision making skills are really high for someone so young, so I know he’ll have no problem choosing to ignore months of emails advising that there was no water pressure, only to then send a separate email renovicting the tenants that complained.”
Braydon, who is described as a “lovely boy” by his mom and “the kid that bit me” by his classmate Suzie doesn’t know if he wants to be a landlord. Although he did admit that the idea of acquiring unnecessary property and wealth through no effort was appealing.
“My house. My condo. My money!” he said joyously. He then threw a plastic toy house at Jackson to keep him away from the crayons that Braydon was no longer using.
“He’s going to do well at Landlord and Tenant Board hearings,” added Cindy.
In related news the student pinching other kids just to see the look of pain in their faces was looking forward to his future career as a CEO.


thebeaverton--2020-10-09--Woman’s entire personality is IBS

Woman’s entire personality is IBS

LETHBRIDGE , AB – Friends and family of local woman Ayesha Perera have reported that they are concerned that her personality now consists entirely of speaking about her irritable bowel syndrome .
“ I like to have a ‘ thing.
’ It ’ s just a smart way to brand yourself !
” the freelance marketing consultant reported merrily from her apartment .
“ My thing used to be telling people how much work I had to do and how it was so much more work then they had to do .
Before that , my thing used to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ everyone else caught onto third-wave coffee.
” “ But as soon as I turned 30 and could no longer digest dairy without experiencing explosive diarrhea , I knew that I simply had to make my IBS my entire vibe.
” Perera ’ s acquaintances and colleagues have forgone asking her how she ’ s doing over Zoom calls , since such an open-ended question was typically met by an extensive breakdown of the various stool softeners she was using at the current moment .
“ I also have IBS and was really excited @ @ @ @ @ @ @ condition , but she got all angry and defensive and asked me if I even had a diagnosis from a doctor , ” said former friend Leila Hampton .
“ It just seems weird to gatekeep IBS ?
” The young woman has been reportedly gushing about the benefits of medicated enemas to her siblings who simply asked what present they should get for their mother ’ s birthday .
“ I ’ ve cut out foods that irritate my large intestine such as alcohol and caffeine as well as the ability to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ quirky affliction !
” Perera shouted from her bathroom .
At press time , Perera was seen browsing WebMD , nodding to herself .

LETHBRIDGE, AB – Friends and family of local woman Ayesha Perera have reported that they are concerned that her personality now consists entirely of speaking about her irritable bowel syndrome.
“I like to have a ‘thing.’ It’s just a smart way to brand yourself!” the freelance marketing consultant reported merrily from her apartment. “My thing used to be telling people how much work I had to do and how it was so much more work then they had to do. Before that, my thing used to be only drinking expensive pour-overs, but then everyone else caught onto third-wave coffee.”
“But as soon as I turned 30 and could no longer digest dairy without experiencing explosive diarrhea, I knew that I simply had to make my IBS my entire vibe.”
Perera’s acquaintances and colleagues have forgone asking her how she’s doing over Zoom calls, since such an open-ended question was typically met by an extensive breakdown of the various stool softeners she was using at the current moment.
“I also have IBS and was really excited to talk to Ayesha about our chronic condition, but she got all angry and defensive and asked me if I even had a diagnosis from a doctor,” said former friend Leila Hampton. “It just seems weird to gatekeep IBS?”
The young woman has been reportedly gushing about the benefits of medicated enemas to her siblings who simply asked what present they should get for their mother’s birthday.
“I’ve cut out foods that irritate my large intestine such as alcohol and caffeine as well as the ability to talk about anything else besides my beloved quirky affliction!” Perera shouted from her bathroom.
At press time, Perera was seen browsing WebMD, nodding to herself.


thebeaverton--2020-10-09--Trump demands release of Michigan terrorists so they can vote for him

WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump is demanding the release of 13 members of a terrorist militia that plotted to @ @ @ @ @ calling their arrest an act of voter suppression .
Trump was quick to blame Governor @ @ @ @ @ militia groups from their constitutional right to voting , conduct violent coups , and carry @ @ @ @ @ We all know how hard the Democrats are trying to stop my supporters in an @ @ @ @ @ said Trump .
“ The weak Governor of Michigan has locked down her state and @ @ @ @ @ down the people who want to violently overthrow their democratically elected leaders .
Sad.
” @ @ @ @ @ votes that belong to me !
” added the President about the men accused of @ @ @ @ @ vacation home for a planned abduction .
At press time , the incarcerated men claimed @ @ @ @ @ were just following orders from their Commander-in-Chief ’ s twitter account .

WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump is demanding the release of 13 members of a terrorist militia that plotted to kidnap Michigan’s Governor calling their arrest an act of voter suppression.
Trump was quick to blame Governor Gretchen Whitmer for suppressing state militia groups from their constitutional right to voting, conduct violent coups, and carry out treason trials.
“We all know how hard the Democrats are trying to stop my supporters in an important swing state,” said Trump. “The weak Governor of Michigan has locked down her state and now she’s locking down the people who want to violently overthrow their democratically elected leaders. Sad.”
“That’s 13 votes that belong to me!” added the President about the men accused of stalking the Governor’s vacation home for a planned abduction.
At press time, the incarcerated men claimed the Nuremberg defence saying they were just following orders from their Commander-in-Chief’s twitter account.


thebeaverton--2020-10-10--Trump holds another White House event to infect everyone he missed at last one

WASHINGTON – The White House has announced that President Donald Trump will be hosting an event on the South Lawn on Saturday , exactly two weeks after a dozen people were infected at Amy Barrett ’ s Supreme Court nomination ceremony in the Rose Garden .
Although the purpose of the event has not been stated , Trump called FOX News intern Tucker Carlson on Friday to say he was disappointed the infection rate among his staff hasn ’ t been growing fast enough .
“ It ’ s called herd immunity Carl , ” said Trump .
“ That @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that someone has the corollavirus so you know where you can get some .
And like the scientists tell us , you ’ re supposed to quarantine for two weeks , and then if you don ’ t have symptoms , you go back to work and you try again.
” Although many key figures of the administration contracted the virus at the nomination ceremony — including Melania Trump , Kellyanne Conway , and Chris Christie — subsequent transmissions were lower than expected , largely due to a widespread reluctance to being trapped @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people .
Saturday ’ s event will include extra measures to ensure every member of Trump ’ s team is ready to infect others by election day .
The South Lawn will be surrounded with plexiglas barriers to pen attendees into a tight space , each guest will be greeted with a french kiss from Rudy Guiliani , and the evening will close with a seance with the ghost of Herman Cain .
“ The American people deserve an administration that knows their pain , ” White House spokesthing Kayleigh McEnany told reporters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Like the average , hardworking American , Mr. Trump got tested three times a day , took a helicopter to receive immediate , cost-free treatment from a team of the best doctors , and escaped the ordeal with a mild cough .
Joe Biden doesn ’ t understand how hard that is for the average American .
Only President Trump does.
” McEnany has denied critics ’ suggestions that Saturday ’ s event is a naked attempt to weed out any stragglers not willing to literally follow Trump to the grave .
Despite @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in two weeks , where every White House employee who is still healthy will be denounced as a socialist and burned at the stake .

WASHINGTON – The White House has announced that President Donald Trump will be hosting an event on the South Lawn on Saturday, exactly two weeks after a dozen people were infected at Amy Barrett’s Supreme Court nomination ceremony in the Rose Garden.
Although the purpose of the event has not been stated, Trump called FOX News intern Tucker Carlson on Friday to say he was disappointed the infection rate among his staff hasn’t been growing fast enough.
“It’s called herd immunity Carl,” said Trump. “That’s when you’ve heard that someone has the corollavirus so you know where you can get some. And like the scientists tell us, you’re supposed to quarantine for two weeks, and then if you don’t have symptoms, you go back to work and you try again.”
Although many key figures of the administration contracted the virus at the nomination ceremony — including Melania Trump, Kellyanne Conway, and Chris Christie — subsequent transmissions were lower than expected, largely due to a widespread reluctance to being trapped in a room with any of these people.
Saturday’s event will include extra measures to ensure every member of Trump’s team is ready to infect others by election day. The South Lawn will be surrounded with plexiglas barriers to pen attendees into a tight space, each guest will be greeted with a french kiss from Rudy Guiliani, and the evening will close with a seance with the ghost of Herman Cain.
“The American people deserve an administration that knows their pain,” White House spokesthing Kayleigh McEnany told reporters at a Friday press briefing. “Like the average, hardworking American, Mr. Trump got tested three times a day, took a helicopter to receive immediate, cost-free treatment from a team of the best doctors, and escaped the ordeal with a mild cough. Joe Biden doesn’t understand how hard that is for the average American. Only President Trump does.”
McEnany has denied critics’ suggestions that Saturday’s event is a naked attempt to weed out any stragglers not willing to literally follow Trump to the grave. Despite this, another event has been scheduled in two weeks, where every White House employee who is still healthy will be denounced as a socialist and burned at the stake.


thebeaverton--2020-10-11--Health Canada announces doctors no longer allowed to prescribe ‘Good Lovin’

OTTAWA – Health Canada has put an end to the common practice by family doctors of prescribing ‘ good lovin ’ as a cure for a number of illnesses , particularly those accompanied by a fever .
Health Canada recommends now that any such patients get tested for COVID-19 instead .
The announcement came after a patient named Eddie Brigati filed a complaint about a particularly confusing session with his family doctor .
After the patient described his symptoms , the doctor said the word ‘ yeah ’ ten times , and then said ‘ Yes indeed , what you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Several people acquainted with Brigati are now reporting feverish symptoms .
Only a small percentage of doctors regularly prescribe Good Lovin ’ , but those that do swear by its efficacy .
“ Every person I prescribe this unconventional but effective treatment for , I never see in my office again , ” says Dr. John Eltree of Surrey , BC .
“ Because they ’ re cured , I have to assume .
If that doesn ’ t prove how well Good Lovin ’ works as a cure for fever and heart @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what does.
” Health Canada has often had to step in when doctors start prescribing unconventional methods , ranging from ‘ laughter ’ to ‘ going to see the great clown Pagliacci.
’ “ While we appreciate the doctors in these cases trying to think outside the box a little , ” says Health Canada deputy minister Stephen Lucas .
“ Most of the time these patients need actual medicine , therapy , and especially in 2020 , to wear a mask , self-isolate and go get tested for COVID-19.
” The case @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sinead O ’ Connor went to the doctor with symptoms including tiredness and chest pains , and had a similarly confusing encounter .
“ I went to the doctor and guess what he told me , guess what he told me ?
” said O ’ Connor .
“ He said girl you better try to have fun no matter what you do .
But he ’ s a fool.
” O ’ Connor got a second opinion and has now fully recovered from COVID-19 .
Some patients have found that , under @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are at a loss when trying to diagnose and resolve their vaguely described symptoms .
Robert Palmer of Scarborough has been waiting for several weeks for his doctor to “ give him the news ” , although he already suspects he will be diagnosed with a “ bad case of loving you ” , a common diagnosis that Health Canada still allows .
Nevertheless , Palmer has decided to get tested for COVID-19 as a precautionary measure .

OTTAWA – Health Canada has put an end to the common practice by family doctors of prescribing ‘good lovin’ as a cure for a number of illnesses, particularly those accompanied by a fever. Health Canada recommends now that any such patients get tested for COVID-19 instead.
The announcement came after a patient named Eddie Brigati filed a complaint about a particularly confusing session with his family doctor. After the patient described his symptoms, the doctor said the word ‘yeah’ ten times, and then said ‘Yes indeed, what you really need, is good lovin.’ Several people acquainted with Brigati are now reporting feverish symptoms.
Only a small percentage of doctors regularly prescribe Good Lovin’, but those that do swear by its efficacy.
“Every person I prescribe this unconventional but effective treatment for, I never see in my office again,” says Dr. John Eltree of Surrey, BC. “Because they’re cured, I have to assume. If that doesn’t prove how well Good Lovin’ works as a cure for fever and heart pain, I don’t know what does.”
Health Canada has often had to step in when doctors start prescribing unconventional methods, ranging from ‘laughter’ to ‘going to see the great clown Pagliacci.’
“While we appreciate the doctors in these cases trying to think outside the box a little,” says Health Canada deputy minister Stephen Lucas. “Most of the time these patients need actual medicine, therapy, and especially in 2020, to wear a mask, self-isolate and go get tested for COVID-19.”
The case is similar to one in Ireland where Sinead O’Connor went to the doctor with symptoms including tiredness and chest pains, and had a similarly confusing encounter.
“I went to the doctor and guess what he told me, guess what he told me?” said O’ Connor. “He said girl you better try to have fun no matter what you do. But he’s a fool.” O’Connor got a second opinion and has now fully recovered from COVID-19.
Some patients have found that, under the new rules, their family doctors are at a loss when trying to diagnose and resolve their vaguely described symptoms. Robert Palmer of Scarborough has been waiting for several weeks for his doctor to “give him the news”, although he already suspects he will be diagnosed with a “bad case of loving you”, a common diagnosis that Health Canada still allows. Nevertheless, Palmer has decided to get tested for COVID-19 as a precautionary measure.


thebeaverton--2020-10-11--Digital Thanksgiving: Shortcuts to muting the anti-mask rants of your relatives

Are you tired of hearing about your uncle ’ s ‘ Plandemic ’ opinions or how governments are infringing on your aunt ’ s right to infect other people at the grocery store ?
Fortunately , digital Thanksgiving is the best way to ignore your family member ’ s odious and self-absorbed opinions .
Here are some quick tips on muting : Tap on “ Participants ” in the navigation bar and find your blathering family member who thinks COVID-19 is just the flu .
Tap their name and then on “ Mute Audio ” ( iOS ) or “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their mic from working .
Sweet relief .
Select the People Tab and then choose the person you can ’ t believe you ’ re related to .
The select mute button will silence their pseudo-science diatribes .
Right-click the Mute button next to their name ( conversation view ) or above their picture ( if it ’ s your uncle , it ’ s probably him in sunglasses or a picture of a motorcycle ) and click “ Mute this person.
” They ’ ll receive a notification that they ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ blame that on some kind of technological glitch or another relative .

Are you tired of hearing about your uncle’s ‘Plandemic’ opinions or how governments are infringing on your aunt’s right to infect other people at the grocery store? Fortunately, digital Thanksgiving is the best way to ignore your family member’s odious and self-absorbed opinions. Here are some quick tips on muting:
Zoom
Tap on “Participants” in the navigation bar and find your blathering family member who thinks COVID-19 is just the flu. Tap their name and then on “Mute Audio” (iOS) or “Mute” (Android) to stop their mic from working. Sweet relief.
Google Hangouts
Select the People Tab and then choose the person you can’t believe you’re related to. The select mute button will silence their pseudo-science diatribes.
Skype
Right-click the Mute button next to their name (conversation view) or above their picture (if it’s your uncle, it’s probably him in sunglasses or a picture of a motorcycle) and click “Mute this person.” They’ll receive a notification that they’ve been muted, so be prepared to blame that on some kind of technological glitch or another relative.