thebeaverton--2020-07-28--Shocking! This Millennial on CERB chose to spend it on goods, services

MISSISSAUGA — Kristin has been out of work since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic , and has been receiving $ 2000 monthly payments as part of the Canada Emergency Response Benefit .
She recently agreed to share how she budgets these benefits , exposing the shocking truth that she has been irresponsibly spending the money on goods and services .
“ It ’ s so typical of Millennials to selfishly spend money on themselves ” said Conservative finance critic Pierre Arnaud .
“ I hope this single , anecdotal source is a real eye opener for anyone who thought @ @ @ @ @ @ @ necessities like retirement savings or real estate.
” In the first week of this month , Kristin scandalously spent almost half of her CERB payment on luxuries like rent and medication , something our financial experts indicated may have been a mistake .
“ I generally recommend that people spend no more than 25 % of their monthly income on rent , so I ’ m distressed to hear Kristin is spending well over $ 500 , ” said financial adviser Jason Hale , “ The fact that she ’ s paying $ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me that either she can ’ t make sound financial decisions or there ’ s something deeply , horrifyingly wrong with the rental market .
I think it ’ s pretty clear who ’ s at fault here ” .
A breakdown of Kristin ’ s expenses indicates she not only spent money on groceries and ride share services , but also skin care products and streaming subscriptions .
Hale sees room for improvement : “ On the days that she takes a Lyft , she always takes it twice .
I can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ location , but transportation back ?
I find it unnecessary.
” And there ’ s another way to save : “ $ 100 for therapy ?
We ’ re all trying to survive a global pandemic , maybe this isn ’ t the time to splurge on mental health support.
” Kristin herself admits she could probably save some money somehow , but has refused to give up CERB and return to work : “ They haven ’ t hired me back and I could literally die .
Why would I do that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ happen if the government continues to give eligible Canadians $ 2000 every month .
“ How are we going to get our economy back on track if people keep spending money ?
”

MISSISSAUGA — Kristin has been out of work since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, and has been receiving $2000 monthly payments as part of the Canada Emergency Response Benefit. She recently agreed to share how she budgets these benefits, exposing the shocking truth that she has been irresponsibly spending the money on goods and services.
“It’s so typical of Millennials to selfishly spend money on themselves” said Conservative finance critic Pierre Arnaud. “I hope this single, anecdotal source is a real eye opener for anyone who thought that this generation would use CERB for necessities like retirement savings or real estate.”
In the first week of this month, Kristin scandalously spent almost half of her CERB payment on luxuries like rent and medication, something our financial experts indicated may have been a mistake.
“I generally recommend that people spend no more than 25% of their monthly income on rent, so I’m distressed to hear Kristin is spending well over $500,” said financial adviser Jason Hale, “The fact that she’s paying $875 to share a basement apartment shows me that either she can’t make sound financial decisions or there’s something deeply, horrifyingly wrong with the rental market. I think it’s pretty clear who’s at fault here”.
A breakdown of Kristin’s expenses indicates she not only spent money on groceries and ride share services, but also skin care products and streaming subscriptions. Hale sees room for improvement: “On the days that she takes a Lyft, she always takes it twice. I can understand spending money for transportation to a location, but transportation back? I find it unnecessary.”
And there’s another way to save: “$100 for therapy? We’re all trying to survive a global pandemic, maybe this isn’t the time to splurge on mental health support.”
Kristin herself admits she could probably save some money somehow, but has refused to give up CERB and return to work: “They haven’t hired me back and I could literally die. Why would I do that?”
But Arnaud fears what will happen if the government continues to give eligible Canadians $2000 every month. “How are we going to get our economy back on track if people keep spending money?”


thebeaverton--2020-07-30--Search and rescue for matching Tupperware lid in kitchen drawer enters 5th hour

EDMONTON – Authorities have confirmed that a search and rescue operation for a lid to match the Tupperware container sitting on the kitchen counter of a local homeowner has now passed the four-hour mark .
“ I ’ m such an idiot , ” said Margaret Handelman , the frustrated hunter of a lid to match her 5 ” x9 ” food container .
“ I started filling the container before checking to see if I even had a matching lid .
Now I ’ ve got a tub half-filled with leftover chicken stir fry and nothing to cover it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to be a long night ” , she continued solemnly .
The search began in the last known location of the lid : a chaotic bedlam of loose Ziploc , Tupperware , and Glad containers and covers , none of which match the opposing brands , located in one of Handelman ’ s kitchen drawers .
Initial hopes of locating the rogue lid were swiftly dashed following the sixth review of the drawer and repeat mutterings of “ it must be in here somewhere ” .
“ I mean , it couldn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t just disappear into thin air !
” Handelman screamed between tears .
Experts stress that the first 24 hours of the hunt for a missing sealing lid are the most important , with trails going cold and exposed food going dry after that point .
Though she initially proceeded with a grid patrol pattern throughout her house , Handelman was forced to abandon it as night fell and the dying light made the search more difficult .
As the hours have dragged on in the search , Handelman has launched public @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , asking them to send up a flare if they find anything .
“ Please , if anyone has seen the matching lid for this thing , can you please tell me ?
I ’ m standing here jamming another lid onto this thing hoping it will fit .
But it doesn ’ t !
It just doesn ’ t !
” she bawled .
At press time , Handelman has donned a head-mounted flashlight for a risky foray beneath the fridge to see if it may have slid down there .

EDMONTON – Authorities have confirmed that a search and rescue operation for a lid to match the Tupperware container sitting on the kitchen counter of a local homeowner has now passed the four-hour mark.
“I’m such an idiot,” said Margaret Handelman, the frustrated hunter of a lid to match her 5”x9” food container. “I started filling the container before checking to see if I even had a matching lid. Now I’ve got a tub half-filled with leftover chicken stir fry and nothing to cover it with.”
“It’s going to be a long night”, she continued solemnly.
The search began in the last known location of the lid: a chaotic bedlam of loose Ziploc, Tupperware, and Glad containers and covers, none of which match the opposing brands, located in one of Handelman’s kitchen drawers. Initial hopes of locating the rogue lid were swiftly dashed following the sixth review of the drawer and repeat mutterings of “it must be in here somewhere”.
“I mean, it couldn’t just have disappeared. It can’t just disappear into thin air!” Handelman screamed between tears.
Experts stress that the first 24 hours of the hunt for a missing sealing lid are the most important, with trails going cold and exposed food going dry after that point. Though she initially proceeded with a grid patrol pattern throughout her house, Handelman was forced to abandon it as night fell and the dying light made the search more difficult. As the hours have dragged on in the search, Handelman has launched public appeals to her roommates for any leads, asking them to send up a flare if they find anything.
“Please, if anyone has seen the matching lid for this thing, can you please tell me? I’m standing here jamming another lid onto this thing hoping it will fit. But it doesn’t! It just doesn’t!” she bawled.
At press time, Handelman has donned a head-mounted flashlight for a risky foray beneath the fridge to see if it may have slid down there.


thebeaverton--2020-07-29--Canadian Army stands down after Schitt’s Creek gets 15 Emmy nominations

OTTAWA – A violent international incident has been averted as the U.S.-based Academy of Television Arts & Sciences recognized the final season of the Canadian TV show Schitt ’ s Creek with the appropriate amount of Emmy nominations .
“ We didn ’ t want this war , but if Schitt ’ s Creek ended its run with anything less than a dozen Emmy nominations , we had all 42000 regular and reserve Canadian ground troops mobilized and prepared for an invasion , ” said Lieutenant-General Wayne Eyre , the current Commander of the Canadian Army .
“ Would we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know .
But our cause is just and we kicked their asses in 1812 , so , maybe ?
” “ It ’ s almost a shame hostilities didn ’ t escalate , we had a great name for the conflict : The War of The Roses .
Like the movie .
Or the war.
” As Canadian forces massed along the border during the week before the nominations were announced , tensions between the U.S. and Canada were at their highest since Canada threatened to leave NATO if Tatiana Maslany didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her tour-de-force performance in Orphan Black .
“ We felt it was our duty to ensure that the world said goodbye to the Rose clan with all the proper accolades it could muster , ” Eyre said .
“ Some might argue that going to war over a gentle comedy about the importance of love , acceptance and recognizing that hardship can lead to a deeper connection to family and community makes no sense , but… we just really fucking love this TV show.
” “ We even replaced our regular uniforms with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and Moira Rose ’ s monochromatic fashion sense .
We were also hoping to outfit every soldier with a Moira-type wig , but that would ’ ve doubled the cost of what is already the most expensive mobilization in Canadian history.
” The Royal Canadian Navy and Air Force were not involved in the military buildup along the U.S. border as they are too busy with their preparations to invade Britain for not nominating Sandra Oh for a BAFTA TV Award this year .

OTTAWA – A violent international incident has been averted as the U.S.-based Academy of Television Arts & Sciences recognized the final season of the Canadian TV show Schitt’s Creek with the appropriate amount of Emmy nominations.
“We didn’t want this war, but if Schitt’s Creek ended its run with anything less than a dozen Emmy nominations, we had all 42000 regular and reserve Canadian ground troops mobilized and prepared for an invasion,” said Lieutenant-General Wayne Eyre, the current Commander of the Canadian Army. “Would we have won? I don’t know. But our cause is just and we kicked their asses in 1812, so, maybe?”
“It’s almost a shame hostilities didn’t escalate, we had a great name for the conflict: The War of The Roses. Like the movie. Or the war.”
As Canadian forces massed along the border during the week before the nominations were announced, tensions between the U.S. and Canada were at their highest since Canada threatened to leave NATO if Tatiana Maslany didn’t win at least one Emmy for her tour-de-force performance in Orphan Black.
“We felt it was our duty to ensure that the world said goodbye to the Rose clan with all the proper accolades it could muster,” Eyre said. “Some might argue that going to war over a gentle comedy about the importance of love, acceptance and recognizing that hardship can lead to a deeper connection to family and community makes no sense, but… we just really fucking love this TV show.”
“We even replaced our regular uniforms with black and white camo to honour David and Moira Rose’s monochromatic fashion sense. We were also hoping to outfit every soldier with a Moira-type wig, but that would’ve doubled the cost of what is already the most expensive mobilization in Canadian history.”
The Royal Canadian Navy and Air Force were not involved in the military buildup along the U.S. border as they are too busy with their preparations to invade Britain for not nominating Sandra Oh for a BAFTA TV Award this year.


thebeaverton--2020-07-29--Disney World Darth Vader actually having trouble breathing

ORLANDO , FL – Numerous Disney World customers were annoyed after one of the actors playing Darth Vader actually had trouble breathing due to contracting corona-virus from park patrons .
“ It just kind of ruined the magic for us , ” said Dalton Werner , father of six .
“ We came to Disney to have a good time and this actor just breaks character ?
Darth Vader breathed weird in the movies , but he never actually coughed or grabbed a chair to catch his breath like that.
” “ Plus the Luke versus Darth stunt battle was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” added Werner .
In response , Disney released a statement saying , “ Nothing is more important to us than our customers , their experience , and of course their money .
Truly , NOTHING is more important .
The actor has now been sent to a galaxy far , far away , meaning that he has been fired and will not be receiving employee health benefits.
” Several other notable moments have occurred with actors since the amusement park re-opened during the outbreak in Florida , including Dumbo ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Star-Lord having to visit his genuinely sick mother in the hospital , and the actor playing Bambi ’ s mother actually dying in front of the actor who plays Bambi after contracting COVID from a park-goer .
“ We are very concerned about this new crisis , specifically the crisis of park performers not sticking to character , ” said Disney execs .
“ At the very least , our actors should stay in character if they ’ re suffering .
For example , if the actor playing Elsa is having the chills @ @ @ @ @ @ @ least say ‘ the cold doesn ’ t bother me anyway ’ or something.
” Execs highlighted an “ example of great teamwork ” in the time when the replacement Darth Vader actor ‘ force-choked ’ a fellow actor until that person actually passed out from not being able to breathe due to COVID .
“ That was a perfect example of staying in character for the park , even if the force choked actor was playing Donald Duck.
” In related news , Disney World will now be incorporating the twist ending @ @ @ @ @ @ @ new park ride which just sucks the life energy directly out of children .

ORLANDO, FL – Numerous Disney World customers were annoyed after one of the actors playing Darth Vader actually had trouble breathing due to contracting corona-virus from park patrons.
“It just kind of ruined the magic for us,” said Dalton Werner, father of six. “We came to Disney to have a good time and this actor just breaks character? Darth Vader breathed weird in the movies, but he never actually coughed or grabbed a chair to catch his breath like that.”
“Plus the Luke versus Darth stunt battle was much shorter than it should have been,” added Werner.
In response, Disney released a statement saying, “Nothing is more important to us than our customers, their experience, and of course their money. Truly, NOTHING is more important. The actor has now been sent to a galaxy far, far away, meaning that he has been fired and will not be receiving employee health benefits.”
Several other notable moments have occurred with actors since the amusement park re-opened during the outbreak in Florida, including Dumbo’s mother being arrested for peacefully protesting, Star-Lord having to visit his genuinely sick mother in the hospital, and the actor playing Bambi’s mother actually dying in front of the actor who plays Bambi after contracting COVID from a park-goer.
“We are very concerned about this new crisis, specifically the crisis of park performers not sticking to character,” said Disney execs. “At the very least, our actors should stay in character if they’re suffering. For example, if the actor playing Elsa is having the chills due to sickness, at the very least say ‘the cold doesn’t bother me anyway’ or something.”
Execs highlighted an “example of great teamwork” in the time when the replacement Darth Vader actor ‘force-choked’ a fellow actor until that person actually passed out from not being able to breathe due to COVID.
“That was a perfect example of staying in character for the park, even if the force choked actor was playing Donald Duck.”
In related news, Disney World will now be incorporating the twist ending from Monsters Inc. as inspiration for their new park ride which just sucks the life energy directly out of children.


thebeaverton--2020-07-29--I support free speech unless someone tells me I am wrong

I know you may be angry with me about some recent ‘ truth potions ’ I threw your way .
But before you go and judge me please remember ; I will sue you .
I feel it is my duty to point out how this intolerant society is hurting those of us who dare to question intellectual orthodoxy – namely me and my millionaire friends .
There is a war on thought happening right now and the lifeblood of this liberal society is being constricted by the people retweeting me and pointing out the very obvious fallacies in my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ say : This .
Ends .
Now .
This injustice I am living through is just like how in the Order of the Phoenix when the Ministry of Magic tried to stop Harry Potter from criticizing them .
They were actually the good guys , I don ’ t know if you caught that on the first read .
Or like that scene in the Prisoner of Azkaban when Neville Longbottom was trying to point out the inadequacies of the prison system but then they sent him a cease and desist letter .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ are all Neville Longbottom to me , and I mean that in the worst possible way .
I , as a fiction writer on children ’ s literature , should not be “ cancelled ” or even lightly criticized for writing passionately about things I know nothing about .
It is my god given right to talk about whatever I want including things I have no understanding of , just like it is your god given right to keep my name out of your mouth unless you want to spend hundreds of thousands @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m just telling it like it is .
I will defend someone like Donald Trump ’ s right to free speech before I let a publication call me transphobic for some transphobic tweets I penned with my exquisite quill .
And I will have you know that the aforementioned publication has since apologized to me and my army of high priced lawyers .
Just remember that I told you many years after the fact that Dumbledore was gay in a manner that in no way affected the books .
Isn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to do ?
Apologize for being wrong ?
That ’ s such a Ravenclaw thing to say .

By J.K. Rowling
Dear Potterheads,
I know you may be angry with me about some recent ‘truth potions’ I threw your way. But before you go and judge me please remember; I will sue you.
I feel it is my duty to point out how this intolerant society is hurting those of us who dare to question intellectual orthodoxy – namely me and my millionaire friends. There is a war on thought happening right now and the lifeblood of this liberal society is being constricted by the people retweeting me and pointing out the very obvious fallacies in my arguments. So I am here to say: This. Ends. Now.
This injustice I am living through is just like how in the Order of the Phoenix when the Ministry of Magic tried to stop Harry Potter from criticizing them. They were actually the good guys, I don’t know if you caught that on the first read. Or like that scene in the Prisoner of Azkaban when Neville Longbottom was trying to point out the inadequacies of the prison system but then they sent him a cease and desist letter. I want you to know that you are all Neville Longbottom to me, and I mean that in the worst possible way.
I, as a fiction writer on children’s literature, should not be “cancelled” or even lightly criticized for writing passionately about things I know nothing about. It is my god given right to talk about whatever I want including things I have no understanding of, just like it is your god given right to keep my name out of your mouth unless you want to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees.
I’m just telling it like it is. I will defend someone like Donald Trump’s right to free speech before I let a publication call me transphobic for some transphobic tweets I penned with my exquisite quill. And I will have you know that the aforementioned publication has since apologized to me and my army of high priced lawyers.
Just remember that I told you many years after the fact that Dumbledore was gay in a manner that in no way affected the books. Isn’t that enough? What do I have to do? Apologize for being wrong? That’s such a Ravenclaw thing to say.


thebeaverton--2020-07-30--Trump suggests delaying election until everyone dead

WASHINGTON D.C. – Citing issues with voting by mail , U.S. President Donald Trump suggested a delay to November ’ s presidential election to just after disease and destruction consumes his main political opponent : everyone .
Trump tweeted Thursday : “ Some very , very bad people who aren ’ t nice to me have had the audacity to be alive .
Letting them vote would make 2020 the most INACCURATE & FRAUDULENT election in history .
It will be a great embarrassment to the USA .
Delay the Election until people can properly , securely and safely pass @ @ @ @ @ @ @ [ sic ] ” The President stated that while America continued to be ravaged by COVID-19 , and police brutality has also been doing its part , he expects other branches of government to step up and execute more of its citizens before election day .
Trump then signed an executive order mandating that The Department of Agriculture shifts cultivation to tobacco exclusively , and that Wildlife Services unleashes their many killer eagles on the populace .
“ With no one really existing except for him , he ’ ll be the only @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he is strongly leaning towards voting for himself , ” outlined Republican strategist Liem Sheffaux .
“ And honestly , I ’ ll be happy to keel over and die to finally achieve our dream of ‘ small government.
’ Plus , the death and mayhem distracts from our horrifyingly bad economy , which is just icing on the cake !
” Once the world ’ s population is reduced to Trump alone , reality will finally conform to what his delusional solipsism has led him to believe was always the case .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ intends to wait until all the world ’ s tectonic plates converge and declare all land as American , and for time itself to eventually slow to a point where he ’ ll be president for eternity .

WASHINGTON D.C. – Citing issues with voting by mail, U.S. President Donald Trump suggested a delay to November’s presidential election to just after disease and destruction consumes his main political opponent: everyone.
Trump tweeted Thursday: “Some very, very bad people who aren’t nice to me have had the audacity to be alive. Letting them vote would make 2020 the most INACCURATE & FRAUDULENT election in history. It will be a great embarrassment to the USA. Delay the Election until people can properly, securely and safely pass away in their sleep??? [sic]”
The President stated that while America continued to be ravaged by COVID-19, and police brutality has also been doing its part, he expects other branches of government to step up and execute more of its citizens before election day. Trump then signed an executive order mandating that The Department of Agriculture shifts cultivation to tobacco exclusively, and that Wildlife Services unleashes their many killer eagles on the populace.
“With no one really existing except for him, he’ll be the only vote in the election. Polls indicate he is strongly leaning towards voting for himself,” outlined Republican strategist Liem Sheffaux. “And honestly, I’ll be happy to keel over and die to finally achieve our dream of ‘small government.’ Plus, the death and mayhem distracts from our horrifyingly bad economy, which is just icing on the cake!”
Once the world’s population is reduced to Trump alone, reality will finally conform to what his delusional solipsism has led him to believe was always the case. And should his strategy work, he intends to wait until all the world’s tectonic plates converge and declare all land as American, and for time itself to eventually slow to a point where he’ll be president for eternity.


thebeaverton--2020-07-30--Ford government unveils school plan to send kids back to school and let them formulate a plan

QUEEN ’ S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has released his fall school plan , which will see the province ’ s school children return to class in September in order to brainstorm an actual pandemic education plan themselves .
“ We believe that Ontario ’ s children have totally got this , ” explained Ford , flanked by several socially distant ministers .
“ Not only are school children our most precious resource , but there are tons of them .
So naturally , we believe they ’ ll be able to put their heads together and come @ @ @ @ @ @ @ school to safely continue.
” After immediately being corrected by a nearby Health spokesperson , Ford clarified , “ Also , definitely don ’ t actually put your heads physically together , kids .
That would leave you very vulnerable to catching COVID-19 , especially in those tiny classrooms.
” The Ford government , which was long expected to make an announcement today regarding how classes will safely resume in the fall , has spent several weeks in reportedly unproductive Zoom chats .
Sources indicate that ideas floated during these chats included “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ student gets one day in school , ” and “ what if we just graduate everyone ?
” “ Think of it like a great big science project , ” beamed the enthusiastic premier .
“ While they come up with a pandemic safety plan , kids will get to learn about all kinds of educational things : medicine , leadership , organization , and overcoming years of budgetary neglect to respond to a once -in-a-lifetime pandemic.
” “ Maybe they ’ ll also learn about my personal favourite life lesson : dumping @ @ @ @ @ @ @ taking credit anyway , ” Ford added , wistfully wiping away a tear .
Across the province , response to Ford ’ s education plan-to-make-a-plan was mixed .
“ Well , I ’ ve always been very concerned over the playground transmission of cooties , so I guess I can transfer that knowledge over to pandemic planning , ” said Tommy Smith , 7 , of Burlington .
Theresa Mathers , a math teacher in Mississauga , responded , “ I ’ ve become so accustomed to the provincial Conservatives trying to kill @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this will be a nice change of pace.
” At press time , Mathers added “ hazmat suit ( used ? )
” to the list of school supplies she would need to purchase for September .

QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has released his fall school plan, which will see the province’s school children return to class in September in order to brainstorm an actual pandemic education plan themselves.
“We believe that Ontario’s children have totally got this,” explained Ford, flanked by several socially distant ministers. “Not only are school children our most precious resource, but there are tons of them. So naturally, we believe they’ll be able to put their heads together and come up with a real plan to allow school to safely continue.”
After immediately being corrected by a nearby Health spokesperson, Ford clarified, “Also, definitely don’t actually put your heads physically together, kids. That would leave you very vulnerable to catching COVID-19, especially in those tiny classrooms.”
The Ford government, which was long expected to make an announcement today regarding how classes will safely resume in the fall, has spent several weeks in reportedly unproductive Zoom chats. Sources indicate that ideas floated during these chats included “school outside always,” “each student gets one day in school,” and “what if we just graduate everyone?”
“Think of it like a great big science project,” beamed the enthusiastic premier. “While they come up with a pandemic safety plan, kids will get to learn about all kinds of educational things: medicine, leadership, organization, and overcoming years of budgetary neglect to respond to a once -in-a-lifetime pandemic.”
“Maybe they’ll also learn about my personal favourite life lesson: dumping your responsibility onto someone else, then taking credit anyway,” Ford added, wistfully wiping away a tear.
Across the province, response to Ford’s education plan-to-make-a-plan was mixed.
“Well, I’ve always been very concerned over the playground transmission of cooties, so I guess I can transfer that knowledge over to pandemic planning,” said Tommy Smith, 7, of Burlington.
Theresa Mathers, a math teacher in Mississauga, responded, “I’ve become so accustomed to the provincial Conservatives trying to kill me through starvation wages that I suppose this will be a nice change of pace.”
At press time, Mathers added “hazmat suit (used?)” to the list of school supplies she would need to purchase for September.


thebeaverton--2020-07-30--Please don’t make me risk getting COVID to teach, especially that prick Noah

The Ontario government has announced that in September schools will reopen with regular class sizes and curriculum .
Although they say there will be “ enhanced ” safety measures to protect teachers and students , I ’ m worried that I ’ m going to be risking my health ( and the health of my family ) by going into work and trying to teach a full class , including that little shit stain Noah H. I love teaching .
I ’ ve been doing it for 14 years and I ’ ve never wanted to do anything else .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ face when they solve a tough math problem or read a book for the first time is wonderful .
But these are unprecedented times .
As Europe has shown , relaxing restrictions will almost certainly result in a second wave that could infect even more people than the first .
And I ’ m sure as hell not going to get infected with a deadly virus just so I can try to get Noah to sit down and be quiet for like 5 fucking minutes .
We need to listen to the experts @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Noah last year and confirmed he is the absolute worst .
I think you ’ ll find she knows a little bit more about what a little twat Noah is than Premier Ford or Minister Lecce .
As much as we might like to believe that the pandemic is over , or that Noah could change his behaviour with the right teacher , that just isn ’ t the reality we live in .
We need to live in the real world .
Where every day people are getting sick and Noah is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are funny .
So I ask you to please call or write to your representatives and demand they not take this dangerous step of reopening schools to quickly .
Or at least have them transfer Noah to Mr. Cartwright ’ s class .

By: Cathy Mitglied, grade 5 teacher
The Ontario government has announced that in September schools will reopen with regular class sizes and curriculum. Although they say there will be “enhanced” safety measures to protect teachers and students, I’m worried that I’m going to be risking my health (and the health of my family) by going into work and trying to teach a full class, including that little shit stain Noah H.
I love teaching. I’ve been doing it for 14 years and I’ve never wanted to do anything else. The look on a child’s face when they solve a tough math problem or read a book for the first time is wonderful. But these are unprecedented times. As Europe has shown, relaxing restrictions will almost certainly result in a second wave that could infect even more people than the first. And I’m sure as hell not going to get infected with a deadly virus just so I can try to get Noah to sit down and be quiet for like 5 fucking minutes.
We need to listen to the experts. Like my friend Deb who taught Noah last year and confirmed he is the absolute worst. I think you’ll find she knows a little bit more about what a little twat Noah is than Premier Ford or Minister Lecce.
As much as we might like to believe that the pandemic is over, or that Noah could change his behaviour with the right teacher, that just isn’t the reality we live in. We need to live in the real world. Where every day people are getting sick and Noah is that kid who still thinks whoopee cushions are funny.
So I ask you to please call or write to your representatives and demand they not take this dangerous step of reopening schools to quickly. Or at least have them transfer Noah to Mr. Cartwright’s class.


thebeaverton--2020-07-30--Canadian and Mexican governments hope U.S. doesn’t notice tunnel being built underneath it

NORTH AMERICA – Despite being undiscovered since April , Canadian and Mexican officials are remaining firm in keeping the massive tunnel allowing travel between the two countries by going beneath the United States a classified project .
“ The Sub-American highway is based on one of the major cornerstones of Canadian-Mexican relations ; sidestepping around whatever problems the U.S is causing ” Said Minister of Foreign affairs Francois-Phillipe Champagne .
“ Think of it as our version of the Channel Tunnel , only instead of going under water , it goes under a nation full of COVID and Nazis.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ most Canadians traveling to Mexico find the idea of traversing a massive underground tunnel to still be more appealing than flying with Air Canada .
“ We ’ ve been making great progress and have almost gone completely undetected.
” Said construction team leader Shawn Newman .
“ There was one point where we thought Colorado might have heard us , but we held still for a minute and they moved on .
At this rate , we ’ ll be able to complete the extension to Argentina by 2030.
” At press @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the construction crew encountered a team of Americans trying to tunnel from California to New York .

NORTH AMERICA – Despite being undiscovered since April, Canadian and Mexican officials are remaining firm in keeping the massive tunnel allowing travel between the two countries by going beneath the United States a classified project.
“The Sub-American highway is based on one of the major cornerstones of Canadian-Mexican relations; sidestepping around whatever problems the U.S is causing” Said Minister of Foreign affairs Francois-Phillipe Champagne. “Think of it as our version of the Channel Tunnel, only instead of going under water, it goes under a nation full of COVID and Nazis.”
A recent poll has also shown that most Canadians traveling to Mexico find the idea of traversing a massive underground tunnel to still be more appealing than flying with Air Canada.
“We’ve been making great progress and have almost gone completely undetected.” Said construction team leader Shawn Newman. “There was one point where we thought Colorado might have heard us, but we held still for a minute and they moved on. At this rate, we’ll be able to complete the extension to Argentina by 2030.”
At press time, an awkward situation unfolded when the construction crew encountered a team of Americans trying to tunnel from California to New York.


thebeaverton--2020-07-31--Tooth Fairy e-transfers kid in quarantine 25 cents

PICKERING – The Tooth Fairy , unable to be physically present to exchange baby teeth for loose change due to COVID protocols , has instead sent an e-transfer of 25 cents to Billy McIntosh , age 6 .
The Fairy ( née Martha Waters ) has maintained this childhood tradition for countless centuries , but coronavirus guidelines have made it impossible to invade family homes and slip a few cents under the pillows of sleeping children .
“ I consider what I do an essential business , but recent restrictions have made things hard , ” the Tooth Fairy explained @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in Clorox .
“ Now I have children mail me their baby teeth , then I wire them a small amount per tooth , and finally I grind their baby molars to dust and sell it to pharmaceutical companies .
But being forced to e-transfer thousands of kids is expensive and it is so hard to come up with that many security questions each week.
” The Tooth Fairy emphasized , “ You may think we magical creatures are fictional , but our operational issues are very real.
” Despite the new changes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ You know , my wife really appreciates not being startled by a glowing pink woman invading our son ’ s room at 3 in the morning , ” said Brian McIntosh , father of recently-toothless Billy .
“ Plus , opening an online bank account for Billy to receive payments from the Fairy has been a great segue into teaching him about the power of compound interest.
” The additional challenges of the virus have forced the Tooth Fairy to diversify her income streams .
“ Last week , we started @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sell children ’ s data to insurance companies .
And last night , I moonlighted as a ballerina .
Dancing over Zoom is as bad as it sounds.
” Other childhood characters have continued the trend of modernizing , with the Easter Bunny now hiding digital eggs in Fortnite and Santa Claus has partnering with Amazon to deliver presents to all the world ’ s good girls and boys who have Prime shipping .

PICKERING – The Tooth Fairy, unable to be physically present to exchange baby teeth for loose change due to COVID protocols, has instead sent an e-transfer of 25 cents to Billy McIntosh, age 6.
The Fairy (née Martha Waters) has maintained this childhood tradition for countless centuries, but coronavirus guidelines have made it impossible to invade family homes and slip a few cents under the pillows of sleeping children.
“I consider what I do an essential business, but recent restrictions have made things hard,” the Tooth Fairy explained while dousing a recently-collected batch of teeth in Clorox. “Now I have children mail me their baby teeth, then I wire them a small amount per tooth, and finally I grind their baby molars to dust and sell it to pharmaceutical companies. But being forced to e-transfer thousands of kids is expensive and it is so hard to come up with that many security questions each week.”
The Tooth Fairy emphasized, “You may think we magical creatures are fictional, but our operational issues are very real.”
Despite the new changes, parents have welcomed the safer approach. “You know, my wife really appreciates not being startled by a glowing pink woman invading our son’s room at 3 in the morning,” said Brian McIntosh, father of recently-toothless Billy. “Plus, opening an online bank account for Billy to receive payments from the Fairy has been a great segue into teaching him about the power of compound interest.”
The additional challenges of the virus have forced the Tooth Fairy to diversify her income streams. “Last week, we started utilizing artificial intelligence and machine learning to sell children’s data to insurance companies. And last night, I moonlighted as a ballerina. Dancing over Zoom is as bad as it sounds.”
Other childhood characters have continued the trend of modernizing, with the Easter Bunny now hiding digital eggs in Fortnite and Santa Claus has partnering with Amazon to deliver presents to all the world’s good girls and boys who have Prime shipping.


thebeaverton--2020-07-31--94% of Social Distance Hang spent talking about whether everyone is far enough apart

Belleville , ON – A group of friends enjoying a social distance hang in one of their backyards spent nearly all of their time talking about whether they were all at least 6 feet apart .
“ Obviously we knew we ’ d be talking about it at first as everyone arrived and decided where to sit , ” said attendee Nelson Park .
“ But by the time we finally got it all worked out it was 3 hours later and I had to go.
” “ I can ’ t even describe the chaos that unfolded when Cindy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ same time as Taylor got up to grab a beer , ” he added .
Other attendees acknowledged that they spent all their time asking if they were close , saying “ are you sure ?
” , debating whether to move a bit , debating whether that would mean they were now to close to someone else in the yard , and then wondering if they could safely climb that oak tree , since that would guarantee they were at least 6 feet away .
“ At one point we thought we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I sneezed and everyone freaked out and ran away , ” said host Natalie .
it wasn ’ t all a waste thought .
A full 15 minutes was spent talking about how everyone ’ s mental health had been holding up during lockdown , before everyone agreed that was way too dark a subject and went back to estimating distances .

Belleville, ON – A group of friends enjoying a social distance hang in one of their backyards spent nearly all of their time talking about whether they were all at least 6 feet apart.
“Obviously we knew we’d be talking about it at first as everyone arrived and decided where to sit,” said attendee Nelson Park. “But by the time we finally got it all worked out it was 3 hours later and I had to go.”
“I can’t even describe the chaos that unfolded when Cindy had to use the bathroom at the same time as Taylor got up to grab a beer,” he added.
Other attendees acknowledged that they spent all their time asking if they were close, saying “are you sure?”, debating whether to move a bit, debating whether that would mean they were now to close to someone else in the yard, and then wondering if they could safely climb that oak tree, since that would guarantee they were at least 6 feet away.
“At one point we thought we’d nailed it, but then I sneezed and everyone freaked out and ran away,” said host Natalie.
it wasn’t all a waste thought. A full 15 minutes was spent talking about how everyone’s mental health had been holding up during lockdown, before everyone agreed that was way too dark a subject and went back to estimating distances.


thebeaverton--2020-07-31--New border rules require Americans to hold breath from BC to Alaska

VANCOUVER – The BC government announced new regulations that will require all American travellers going to and from Alaska to hold their breath for the duration of their trip through the province .
With Covid-19 infections rising across the US and Washington State being a particular hotspot , BC residents have become increasingly concerned that American travellers are not following the proper existing guidelines and could be spreading the virus .
“ We understand that Americans have the right to travel to homes , jobs , families and whatever else goes on in Alaska , ” said provincial spokesperson Sheila @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ re welcome to travel through our province , as long as they don ’ t breathe.
” CBSA agents were provided with the new protocols yesterday and anticipate a smooth transition .
“ The procedure is very similar to what people are used to , ” said one agent .
“ The traveller will arrive at the border , present their identification and reason for travel , then they just need to take a real deep breath and hold it for 2500 or so kilometres.
” Some Americans are upset at the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s pretty unfair to a lot of people , ” said one traveller .
“ We ’ re heading up as a family so we ’ ve got four breaths to share , but others might not be so lucky.
” Others were taking a more technical approach to the new restriction .
“ I ’ ve been on that Lance Armstrong blood doping for the last little bit to prepare so I should be fine , ” said another Alaskan resident heading north .
“ But it does get me a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my truck up the Fraser River I could probably avoid all this.
” After discussions with US officials the CBSA is considering allowing a second breath to be stored in a secure plastic bag for emergencies .

VANCOUVER – The BC government announced new regulations that will require all American travellers going to and from Alaska to hold their breath for the duration of their trip through the province.
With Covid-19 infections rising across the US and Washington State being a particular hotspot, BC residents have become increasingly concerned that American travellers are not following the proper existing guidelines and could be spreading the virus.
“We understand that Americans have the right to travel to homes, jobs, families and whatever else goes on in Alaska,” said provincial spokesperson Sheila Anderson. “And of course they’re welcome to travel through our province, as long as they don’t breathe.”
CBSA agents were provided with the new protocols yesterday and anticipate a smooth transition. “The procedure is very similar to what people are used to,” said one agent. “The traveller will arrive at the border, present their identification and reason for travel, then they just need to take a real deep breath and hold it for 2500 or so kilometres.”
Some Americans are upset at the new regulations. “I think it’s pretty unfair to a lot of people,” said one traveller. “We’re heading up as a family so we’ve got four breaths to share, but others might not be so lucky.”
Others were taking a more technical approach to the new restriction. “I’ve been on that Lance Armstrong blood doping for the last little bit to prepare so I should be fine,” said another Alaskan resident heading north. “But it does get me a little miffed that if I just portaged my truck up the Fraser River I could probably avoid all this.”
After discussions with US officials the CBSA is considering allowing a second breath to be stored in a secure plastic bag for emergencies.


thebeaverton--2020-08-01--To maintain home ice advantage NHL pipes in audio of fans yelling insults about opposing players’ mo

To maintain home ice advantage NHL pipes in audio of fans yelling insults about opposing players’ mothers

TORONTO – In an effort to make the play in tournament and playoffs feel as realistic as possible despite the lack of fans in the stands the NHL has begun playing audio clips of fans drunkenly insulting players ’ moms .
“ Home fans are a vital part of the NHL experience and provide a real boost for their teams , ” said commissioner Gary Bettman .
“ And so , alongside standard cheers , we will be broadcasting clips of fans who have clearly been overserved saying truly disgusting things about the woman who raised a player on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the players and the fans watching at home will appreciate this commitment to realism , ” he added .
Many of the heckles are recordings picked up from games played back when fans were allowed to attend .
However a few more were provided by voiceover artist Dalton Butler .
“ I ’ m happy to get a gig but wow , some of the things they made we say were rough .
Real rough .
I ’ d like to apologize to Sidney Crosby ’ s mom in particular.
” “ Ity @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” admitted Rangers forward Mika Zibanejad .
“ But then when I heard a drunken voice screaming about how my mom is a fat whore I was like , this feels right.
” The NHL isn ’ t stopping there .
They will also be playing audio of fans screaming ‘ Fight , ’ booing goaltenders and , since half the games are being played in Toronto , getting to their seats 12 minutes into the start of the first period .

TORONTO – In an effort to make the play in tournament and playoffs feel as realistic as possible despite the lack of fans in the stands the NHL has begun playing audio clips of fans drunkenly insulting players’ moms.
“Home fans are a vital part of the NHL experience and provide a real boost for their teams,” said commissioner Gary Bettman. “And so, alongside standard cheers, we will be broadcasting clips of fans who have clearly been overserved saying truly disgusting things about the woman who raised a player on the other team.”
“We think both the players and the fans watching at home will appreciate this commitment to realism,” he added.
Many of the heckles are recordings picked up from games played back when fans were allowed to attend. However a few more were provided by voiceover artist Dalton Butler.
“I’m happy to get a gig but wow, some of the things they made we say were rough. Real rough. I’d like to apologize to Sidney Crosby’s mom in particular.”
“Ity was a bit weird playing without fans,” admitted Rangers forward Mika Zibanejad. “But then when I heard a drunken voice screaming about how my mom is a fat whore I was like, this feels right.”
The NHL isn’t stopping there. They will also be playing audio of fans screaming ‘Fight,’ booing goaltenders and, since half the games are being played in Toronto, getting to their seats 12 minutes into the start of the first period.


thebeaverton--2020-08-01--Ellen comes out as mean

Ellen comes out as mean

HOLLYWOOD , CA – Following a long period of open rumours , clear public hints and confirmed direct accounts , popular daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has officially come out as mean .
The announcement was yelled into the face of her publicist earlier today .
Ellen ’ s big coming out as mean had originally been planned to be part of a very special episode of the Ellen DeGeneres Show later this season .
The character played by Ellen DeGeneres on her daytime talk show was originally written to be nice , but Ellen felt that it was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ personality to shine through on air .
Plans were made to stage an episode of the Ellen DeGeneres Show where she would come out as mean by telling the studio audience what she really thought of them , but those plans were interrupted by the COVID-19 pandemic .
The future of Ellen DeGeneres ’ daytime television career has been cast in doubt , as many in Hollywood believe that America is simply not ready to embrace a talk show host who is openly mean .
Insiders claim that her meanness was easier for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hinted at by hanging around with war criminals , and that daytime viewers are not ready to have Ellen ’ s meanness broadcast so flagrantly .
Members of the mean community have embraced Ellen ’ s announcement : “ On behalf of all parking enforcement officers , piano teachers , and insurance company lawyers , we welcome Ellen as a proud member of our community , ” stated the president of the advocacy group MEAN ( Mission to Embrace Assholes Now ) .
Following her announcement , several journalists asked Ellen what her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mean person , but instead of a response they were all told “ you need to chew some gum because your breath is disgusting and you should be embarrassed .
”

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Following a long period of open rumours, clear public hints and confirmed direct accounts, popular daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has officially come out as mean.
The announcement was yelled into the face of her publicist earlier today.
Ellen’s big coming out as mean had originally been planned to be part of a very special episode of the Ellen DeGeneres Show later this season. The character played by Ellen DeGeneres on her daytime talk show was originally written to be nice, but Ellen felt that it was time for her to allow her true personality to shine through on air. Plans were made to stage an episode of the Ellen DeGeneres Show where she would come out as mean by telling the studio audience what she really thought of them, but those plans were interrupted by the COVID-19 pandemic.
The future of Ellen DeGeneres’ daytime television career has been cast in doubt, as many in Hollywood believe that America is simply not ready to embrace a talk show host who is openly mean. Insiders claim that her meanness was easier for America to digest when it was only hinted at by hanging around with war criminals, and that daytime viewers are not ready to have Ellen’s meanness broadcast so flagrantly.
Members of the mean community have embraced Ellen’s announcement: “On behalf of all parking enforcement officers, piano teachers, and insurance company lawyers, we welcome Ellen as a proud member of our community,” stated the president of the advocacy group MEAN (Mission to Embrace Assholes Now).
Following her announcement, several journalists asked Ellen what her next steps would be as an openly mean person, but instead of a response they were all told “you need to chew some gum because your breath is disgusting and you should be embarrassed.”


thebeaverton--2020-08-03--Football fan itching to see long-term brain damage in person again

CLEVELAND , OH – As many worry about the start of the NFL season amid Covid-19 , Cleveland Browns ’ fan Scoot Donnel has been eagerly anticipating returning to the stands to watch his team experience countless blows to the head .
“ I ’ ve been watching my team return to training camp through social media , and I think I ’ ve already spotted some players who may be at-risk of developing CTE , ” enthused the 35-year old .
“ What can I say , I ’ m a simple guy that loves a sport that takes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ players.
” While the NFL currently does not have plans to operate as a bubble season that would isolate the players in order to minimize the spread of coronavirus , Donnel worries that if many more players opt out , he will be forced to watch players develop concussions from home .
“ I don ’ t think these players should be opting out for fears of their personal safety , ” Donnel scoffed .
“ As a fan who pays thousands of dollars a year in tickets , food , and merchandise @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a little something something– specifically the chance to cheer shoulder-to-shoulder with all the other fans at the Dawg Pound , as our running back gets hit unconscious.
” “ Imagine if the Colosseum had no one in the stands demanding blood… It just doesn ’ t feel the same.
” Presently , the NFL hopes that by returning to in-stadium games , the league will be able to allocate enough money aside to pay off the many expected , future lawsuits from former players who have developed dementia or Alzheimer ’ s .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ self-proclaimed “ stats freak , ” was seen updating his fantasy football roster to list out the players most likely to be pulled mid-game for signs of head trauma .

CLEVELAND, OH – As many worry about the start of the NFL season amid Covid-19, Cleveland Browns’ fan Scoot Donnel has been eagerly anticipating returning to the stands to watch his team experience countless blows to the head.
“I’ve been watching my team return to training camp through social media, and I think I’ve already spotted some players who may be at-risk of developing CTE,” enthused the 35-year old. “What can I say, I’m a simple guy that loves a sport that takes as much away as possible from its players.”
While the NFL currently does not have plans to operate as a bubble season that would isolate the players in order to minimize the spread of coronavirus, Donnel worries that if many more players opt out, he will be forced to watch players develop concussions from home.
“I don’t think these players should be opting out for fears of their personal safety,” Donnel scoffed. “As a fan who pays thousands of dollars a year in tickets, food, and merchandise, I think I’m owed a little something something– specifically the chance to cheer shoulder-to-shoulder with all the other fans at the Dawg Pound, as our running back gets hit unconscious.”
“Imagine if the Colosseum had no one in the stands demanding blood… It just doesn’t feel the same.”
Presently, the NFL hopes that by returning to in-stadium games, the league will be able to allocate enough money aside to pay off the many expected, future lawsuits from former players who have developed dementia or Alzheimer’s.
At press time, Donell, the self-proclaimed “stats freak,” was seen updating his fantasy football roster to list out the players most likely to be pulled mid-game for signs of head trauma.


thebeaverton--2020-08-03--Toronto Catholic schools to reopen so kids will be with God sooner

TORONTO – The Toronto Catholic School Board has announced that schools will reopen with regular class sizes in the hopes that students will get sick and join God sooner .
“ The government isn ’ t going to give us the necessary funding , so we might as well embrace it !
” said Board Trustee Joseph Martino .
“ Get em ’ all huddled together , get em ’ sick , and get em ’ on their way to Heaven where there is not an outbreak yet.
” When asked about the necessary funding for keeping schools safe , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Ford have said they are prioritizing allowing children to pass on to the afterlife over spending money .
“ For us it ’ s a win-win situation .
If we reopen schools and nothing happens , then we didn ’ t have to waste any extra money on keeping kids and their families alive and safe .
If kids do get sick… well then they ’ ll be with God sooner than expected , ” said Education Minister Stephen Lecce .
Some projections for re-opening schools in Ontario safely require a budget of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Premier Doug Ford has said by only investing 309 million dollars , we can save money and increase the chance of more kids joining their dead loved ones in heaven .
“ Honestly given the state of the world , I envy kids who get to go to heaven so soon , ” said Ford .
“ Having schools reopen , especially with 1/10th the budget necessary , will ensure lots of kids get to see their dead relatives and beloved family pets again soon.
” “ The most common way COVID is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with infected people for a long period of time , ” said Chief Public Health Officer Theresa Tam .
“ I believe the best way to get a lot of kids sick is to stick them all in a room with each other , less than 6 feet apart , talking all day .
If we are serious about getting these kids to be with God sooner , the only course we have is getting them back to school , pronto.
” When asked if Canadians could truly be confident in the existence @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Norm Di Pasquale indicated that 2020 , “ has pretty conclusively proven the existence of Hell ” .
While students returning to school will facilitate a swift entry to Heaven , Doug Ford , Stephen Lecce , Catholic School Trustees have been warned to maintain the strictest of health precautions as they ’ ll probably be going elsewhere .

TORONTO – The Toronto Catholic School Board has announced that schools will reopen with regular class sizes in the hopes that students will get sick and join God sooner.
“The government isn’t going to give us the necessary funding, so we might as well embrace it!” said Board Trustee Joseph Martino. “Get em’ all huddled together, get em’ sick, and get em’ on their way to Heaven where there is not an outbreak yet.”
When asked about the necessary funding for keeping schools safe, Education Minister Stephen Lecce and Premier Doug Ford have said they are prioritizing allowing children to pass on to the afterlife over spending money.
“For us it’s a win-win situation. If we reopen schools and nothing happens, then we didn’t have to waste any extra money on keeping kids and their families alive and safe. If kids do get sick… well then they’ll be with God sooner than expected,” said Education Minister Stephen Lecce.
Some projections for re-opening schools in Ontario safely require a budget of 3.2 billion dollars. However, Ontario Premier Doug Ford has said by only investing 309 million dollars, we can save money and increase the chance of more kids joining their dead loved ones in heaven.
“Honestly given the state of the world, I envy kids who get to go to heaven so soon,” said Ford. “Having schools reopen, especially with 1/10th the budget necessary, will ensure lots of kids get to see their dead relatives and beloved family pets again soon.”
“The most common way COVID is transferred is being in the same room with infected people for a long period of time,” said Chief Public Health Officer Theresa Tam. “I believe the best way to get a lot of kids sick is to stick them all in a room with each other, less than 6 feet apart, talking all day. If we are serious about getting these kids to be with God sooner, the only course we have is getting them back to school, pronto.”
When asked if Canadians could truly be confident in the existence of Heaven, Catholic School Board Trustee Norm Di Pasquale indicated that 2020, “has pretty conclusively proven the existence of Hell”.
While students returning to school will facilitate a swift entry to Heaven, Doug Ford, Stephen Lecce, Catholic School Trustees have been warned to maintain the strictest of health precautions as they’ll probably be going elsewhere.


thebeaverton--2020-08-04--Libertarian friend apparently doesn’t believe in regulating speaking volume either

OTTAWA – Matt Martin , a self-proclaimed ‘ classic libertarian of the Adam Smith school ’ , does not favour intrusive regulation of the economy or daily life , and apparently believes that applies to lowering his voice when appropriate .
“ The thing is that if you pay attention to history , you understand the market actually regulates itself , ” yelled Martin for some reason .
“ I just wish these politicians would actually read some books on the subject before they speak , ” he added , as several scared birds took flight and numerous heads turned @ @ @ @ @ @ @ screaming in the middle of this patio .
Libertarians distinguish themselves from regular Conservatives based on their opposition to big government , unless that big government is doing things they support like arresting Black Lives Matter protestors .
Also , where Conservatives can be folksy like George W Bush or sarcastic like Matt Gaetz , libertarians are universally acknowledged to be very , very loud .
“ HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT HOW EARLY YOU COULD RETIRE IF EVERYONE PAYED A FLAT 15 % INCOME TAX !
!
!
!
” said Martin , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rockets and WWII artillery .

OTTAWA – Matt Martin, a self-proclaimed ‘classic libertarian of the Adam Smith school’, does not favour intrusive regulation of the economy or daily life, and apparently believes that applies to lowering his voice when appropriate.
“The thing is that if you pay attention to history, you understand the market actually regulates itself,” yelled Martin for some reason.
“I just wish these politicians would actually read some books on the subject before they speak,” he added, as several scared birds took flight and numerous heads turned around to figure out why someone was screaming in the middle of this patio.
Libertarians distinguish themselves from regular Conservatives based on their opposition to big government, unless that big government is doing things they support like arresting Black Lives Matter protestors. Also, where Conservatives can be folksy like George W Bush or sarcastic like Matt Gaetz, libertarians are universally acknowledged to be very, very loud.
“HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT HOW EARLY YOU COULD RETIRE IF EVERYONE PAYED A FLAT 15% INCOME TAX!!!!” said Martin, reaching a decibel previously only achieved by rockets and WWII artillery.
At press time Martin had left a 5% tip.


thebeaverton--2020-08-04--Report: It never right temperature outside

LONDON , ON – In an explosively damning report published by the University of Western Ontario , researchers found that the temperature outside “ never right.
” Though the report was expected to delve into the myriad of ways climate change affects temperature to produce hostile environments , the report instead examined the nuances of “ it sometime too hot , even though it mostly too cold.
” “ It doesn ’ t feel good , ” the 8 person research team observed .
“ It rain , there wind , don ’ t get us started on humidity .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ outside , but even then , still not right.
” Another excerpt posited , “ Why not temperature outside body match the way body feel ?
Why ?
Something just not right about it.
” While the report only examined the ways in which the temperature outside “ never just right , ” one of Western ’ s partner schools , the University of Nairobi , has published a study about how “ inside temperature not that great either.
” Both reports concluded that , “ Everything about it feel bad all the @ @ @

LONDON, ON – In an explosively damning report published by the University of Western Ontario, researchers found that the temperature outside “never right.”
Though the report was expected to delve into the myriad of ways climate change affects temperature to produce hostile environments, the report instead examined the nuances of “it sometime too hot, even though it mostly too cold.”
“It doesn’t feel good,” the 8 person research team observed. “It rain, there wind, don’t get us started on humidity. Always need different special clothes to go outside, but even then, still not right.”
Another excerpt posited, “Why not temperature outside body match the way body feel? Why? Something just not right about it.”
While the report only examined the ways in which the temperature outside “never just right,” one of Western’s partner schools, the University of Nairobi, has published a study about how “inside temperature not that great either.”
Both reports concluded that, “Everything about it feel bad all the time.”


thebeaverton--2020-08-05--Street performer who pretends to be statues getting nervous

TORONTO – As Black Lives Matter protests across North America have begun calling for the dismantling of statues that uphold values of white supremacy , local bronze-painted statue performer Mike Banks has become extremely nervous .
Banks is best known for his portrayals of ambiguous old-timey male characters such as Prospector , Blacksmith and Jean Chrétien .
“ With the exception of when I ’ m playing a Tree , all my characters are white men painted in a metallic colour , so I wouldn ’ t fault anyone for mistaking me for John A. MacDonald ‘ cause we all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , in his line of work , he ’ s used to being roughed around .
“ Teens used to be my biggest concern .
I don ’ t care how many times they longboard into me – I won ’ t move .
I ’ m an artist !
” .
But after seeing a video in which anti-racism protesters in England tore down a statue and threw it into a river , Banks has decided to take precautions .
Having recently signed up for swimming lessons , he says , “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to all my statue portrayals because even with lessons , I still sink like granite.
” Banks has also been donating a portion of his accumulated loose change , TTC transfers and discarded PPE masks to Black Lives Matter organizations .
“ These statues that have been dismantled or had paint thrown on them sully my profession .
A statue should scare you because it moves , not because of the systemic racism it represents.
” Banks is also quick to point out that no one actually visits the statues in Queens Park @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that he is currently rated the # 1 statue in the GTA on TripAdvisor .
Banks ’ support of BLM has motivated him to add a sign to his act that reads , “ Do not pressure wash me ” , after being harassed by the police in the last few weeks .
“ Police officers circled me like a pack of pigs and took turns spraying me with a high powered pressure washer ” .
Even after telling the officers that he intentionally painted himself this way , police still arrested anyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his performance .
In the end , the officers swiftly apologized to Banks after the pressure washer revealed he was both human and white .
When asked why he wouldn ’ t just give up being a living statue during this tumultuous time , Banks stood firm : “ This is my art – it ’ s who I am , and I can ’ t go back to playing the guitar or miming , because those people look like idiots .
”

TORONTO – As Black Lives Matter protests across North America have begun calling for the dismantling of statues that uphold values of white supremacy, local bronze-painted statue performer Mike Banks has become extremely nervous.
Banks is best known for his portrayals of ambiguous old-timey male characters such as Prospector, Blacksmith and Jean Chrétien. “With the exception of when I’m playing a Tree, all my characters are white men painted in a metallic colour, so I wouldn’t fault anyone for mistaking me for John A. MacDonald ‘cause we all look the same.”
Banks admits that, in his line of work, he’s used to being roughed around. “Teens used to be my biggest concern. I don’t care how many times they longboard into me – I won’t move. I’m an artist!”. But after seeing a video in which anti-racism protesters in England tore down a statue and threw it into a river, Banks has decided to take precautions. Having recently signed up for swimming lessons, he says, “I’ve also added water wings to all my statue portrayals because even with lessons, I still sink like granite.”
Banks has also been donating a portion of his accumulated loose change, TTC transfers and discarded PPE masks to Black Lives Matter organizations. “These statues that have been dismantled or had paint thrown on them sully my profession. A statue should scare you because it moves, not because of the systemic racism it represents.” Banks is also quick to point out that no one actually visits the statues in Queens Park or on the Ryerson Campus, and that he is currently rated the #1 statue in the GTA on TripAdvisor.
Banks’ support of BLM has motivated him to add a sign to his act that reads, “Do not pressure wash me”, after being harassed by the police in the last few weeks. “Police officers circled me like a pack of pigs and took turns spraying me with a high powered pressure washer”. Even after telling the officers that he intentionally painted himself this way, police still arrested anyone standing within a 200 meter radius of his performance. In the end, the officers swiftly apologized to Banks after the pressure washer revealed he was both human and white.
When asked why he wouldn’t just give up being a living statue during this tumultuous time, Banks stood firm: “This is my art – it’s who I am, and I can’t go back to playing the guitar or miming, because those people look like idiots.”


thebeaverton--2020-08-05--“Oops, I left my mask in the car,” says man who does not own a mask or a car

Every grocery store , Canada – The guy who spent 45 minutes inside the store already without a mask has now alerted one of the employees he left it in his car despite not owning a mask or a car at any point .
“ Oh jeez , we need masks now in stores don ’ t we , ” said the man who believes everyone around him is as stupid as he is .
“ I swear I just left it in the car I definitely own .
I will definitely , probably wear the mask the next time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kind of car do I have ?
A… brown one , ” he added .
He then promised to call his supermodel wife who is sitting in his beautiful mansion so she could bring down his mask that he owns .
But sadly when he called she didn ’ t answer the phone .
Loblaws security then offered the dunce a mask to which he responded , “ Oh good good good , yeah I just am not sure if that ’ ll fit me I have a really big head .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ where do the straps go again ?
Oh around your ears , yeah of course I know that haha , wear em ’ all the time ya see.
” After placing the mask around his neck , security then reminded the man that the mask was meant to be placed around the mouth to which the man responded , “ Ah yes , silly me , these are the Canadian version , mine is a Japanese brand that goes around the neck only but sure on the mouth it is !
” Witnesses @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then threw a can of spaghetti-os into a shopping cart and attempted to push it out of the lot .
After the magnetic locks kicked in however , he abandoned the cart completely .

Every grocery store, Canada – The guy who spent 45 minutes inside the store already without a mask has now alerted one of the employees he left it in his car despite not owning a mask or a car at any point.
“Oh jeez, we need masks now in stores don’t we,” said the man who believes everyone around him is as stupid as he is. “I swear I just left it in the car I definitely own. I will definitely, probably wear the mask the next time I come in here.”
“What kind of car do I have? A… brown one,” he added.
He then promised to call his supermodel wife who is sitting in his beautiful mansion so she could bring down his mask that he owns. But sadly when he called she didn’t answer the phone.
Loblaws security then offered the dunce a mask to which he responded, “Oh good good good, yeah I just am not sure if that’ll fit me I have a really big head. I put these on all the time but where do the straps go again? Oh around your ears, yeah of course I know that haha, wear em’ all the time ya see.”
After placing the mask around his neck, security then reminded the man that the mask was meant to be placed around the mouth to which the man responded, “Ah yes, silly me, these are the Canadian version, mine is a Japanese brand that goes around the neck only but sure on the mouth it is!”
Witnesses from the parking lot say the numbskull then threw a can of spaghetti-os into a shopping cart and attempted to push it out of the lot. After the magnetic locks kicked in however, he abandoned the cart completely.


thebeaverton--2020-08-06--NRA accused of embezzling thoughts and prayers

MANHATTAN – The attorney general of New York has launched a lawsuit alleging the National Rifle Association has engaged in decades-long fraud involving the embezzlement of members ’ thoughts and prayers .
Following an 18 month investigation , New York AG Letitia James claimed in her lawsuit that NRA leaders have spent decades not only defrauding millions of dollars from their members , but also embezzled countless precious thoughts and irreplaceable prayers intended to take the place of meaningful gun reform .
“ It would appear that , following years of gun-related violence , that NRA leaders not only skimmed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that they actively encouraged members to contribute their own thoughts and prayers in order to increase their own ill-gotten gains , ” AG James explained at a press conference .
James went on to outline how NRA executives , including Executive VP Wayne LaPierre , general counsel John Frazer , and former CFO Woody Phillips facilitated the skimming of thoughts and prayers .
“ This included misusing charitable thoughts and prayers for personal gain , awarding thoughts and prayers to friends and family members , and providing thoughts and prayers to former employees @ @ @ @ @ @ @ AG concluded .
As gun violence has climbed over recent years , the National Rifle Association has become the United States ’ leading purveyor of post-mass shooting thoughts and prayers .
The New York AG seeks to dissolve the NRA in its entirety , though warns that the millions of stolen thoughts and prayers “ will likely never be recovered.
” Reached for comment , several NRA members were outraged by the news .
“ I ’ m shocked , ” explained Dale Garrity of Plano , Texas .
“ Do you know @ @ @ @ @ @ @ horrific school shootings and terrible automatic rifle massacres , none of the thoughts and prayers that NRA members sent along actually made their way to any of the victims.
” “ I can ’ t believe my thoughts and prayers only went to line Wayne LaPierre ’ s pockets , ” added a dismayed Garrity .
In a related story , AG James refused to confirm whether her office was probing the NRA ’ s alleged illegal laundering of Russian thoughts and prayers .

MANHATTAN – The attorney general of New York has launched a lawsuit alleging the National Rifle Association has engaged in decades-long fraud involving the embezzlement of members’ thoughts and prayers.
Following an 18 month investigation, New York AG Letitia James claimed in her lawsuit that NRA leaders have spent decades not only defrauding millions of dollars from their members, but also embezzled countless precious thoughts and irreplaceable prayers intended to take the place of meaningful gun reform.
“It would appear that, following years of gun-related violence, that NRA leaders not only skimmed thoughts and prayers for themselves, but that they actively encouraged members to contribute their own thoughts and prayers in order to increase their own ill-gotten gains,” AG James explained at a press conference.
James went on to outline how NRA executives, including Executive VP Wayne LaPierre, general counsel John Frazer, and former CFO Woody Phillips facilitated the skimming of thoughts and prayers. “This included misusing charitable thoughts and prayers for personal gain, awarding thoughts and prayers to friends and family members, and providing thoughts and prayers to former employees to buy their silence,” the AG concluded.
As gun violence has climbed over recent years, the National Rifle Association has become the United States’ leading purveyor of post-mass shooting thoughts and prayers. The New York AG seeks to dissolve the NRA in its entirety, though warns that the millions of stolen thoughts and prayers “will likely never be recovered.”
Reached for comment, several NRA members were outraged by the news. “I’m shocked,” explained Dale Garrity of Plano, Texas. “Do you know what this means? After all those horrific school shootings and terrible automatic rifle massacres, none of the thoughts and prayers that NRA members sent along actually made their way to any of the victims.”
“I can’t believe my thoughts and prayers only went to line Wayne LaPierre’s pockets,” added a dismayed Garrity.
In a related story, AG James refused to confirm whether her office was probing the NRA’s alleged illegal laundering of Russian thoughts and prayers.


thebeaverton--2020-08-06--Doug Ford pleads with own reflection to let him lower class sizes

TORONTO – After saying that if it was up to him he ’ d keep class sizes at 5 kids due to the COVID pandemic , Ontario Premier Doug Ford was spotted pleading with his reflection to let him lower class sizes .
“ You have to listen to me !
24-30 kids in an enclosed space in the middle of a pandemic is lunacy , ” said Ford to the blonde haired , shark eyed man staring back at him .
“ Can ’ t we at least do virtual classes a couple days a week ?
” “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
” he added as he pounded his fists against the mirror frame .
The government ’ s decision to return to full-time school with minimal restrictions has been met with criticism from teachers and parents alike , prompting Ford to demand revisions from the only person capable of ordering a change : the lifelike image of himself that lives in the glass and mimics his actions , only in reverse .
“ Looks like there is nothing I can do .
His mind is made up , ” said Ford after a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over his shoulder as he walked away from the mirror he then yelled “ where did he go ?
” This is not the first time that Mirror Doug has imposed his cruelty over an objecting Regular Doug .
In the past few years alone he has defunded hospitals , stolen from his late brother ’ s widow and cut Toronto city council in half solely out of spite .
However if the outrage persists Ford may consider taking the matter up with his mirror reflection ’ s boss : the reflection of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s turned off .

TORONTO – After saying that if it was up to him he’d keep class sizes at 5 kids due to the COVID pandemic, Ontario Premier Doug Ford was spotted pleading with his reflection to let him lower class sizes.
“You have to listen to me! 24-30 kids in an enclosed space in the middle of a pandemic is lunacy,” said Ford to the blonde haired, shark eyed man staring back at him. “Can’t we at least do virtual classes a couple days a week?”
“Why do you never answer me?!” he added as he pounded his fists against the mirror frame.
The government’s decision to return to full-time school with minimal restrictions has been met with criticism from teachers and parents alike, prompting Ford to demand revisions from the only person capable of ordering a change: the lifelike image of himself that lives in the glass and mimics his actions, only in reverse.
“Looks like there is nothing I can do. His mind is made up,” said Ford after a fierce 30 minute argument. Looking back over his shoulder as he walked away from the mirror he then yelled “where did he go?”
This is not the first time that Mirror Doug has imposed his cruelty over an objecting Regular Doug. In the past few years alone he has defunded hospitals, stolen from his late brother’s widow and cut Toronto city council in half solely out of spite.
However if the outrage persists Ford may consider taking the matter up with his mirror reflection’s boss: the reflection of himself in the tv when it’s turned off.


thebeaverton--2020-08-06--Local gay bar installs plexiglass to protect against influx of straight women

TORONTO – As part of the province ’ s stage three reopening protocol , a local gay bar has installed plexiglass to protect patrons against an influx of straight women .
“ Safety is our top priority , ” said Max Fledger , owner of a popular drag bar who installed the plexiglass last week .
“ We ’ re hoping the glass barrier will provide substantial protection against the pandemic that is straight women co-opting queer spaces.
” “ Oh , and I ’ m sure it ’ ll also help stop the spread of COVID , too , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ encloses the bar , DJ booth , stage , and dance floor , allowing queer people to gather on the inside and straight women to observe through the glass barrier , on the outside .
According to Fledger , once the province hits further stages of reopening , he plans on installing arrows on the floor for straight women to take a lap around the plexiglass and then out the door .
“ Straight women treat gay bars like a zoo anyways , so may as well lean into it.
” “ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ declared Britney Jamison , who claimed to understand the importance of safe spaces because she watched Drag Race and listened to Drag Coven .
“ I mean , it ’ ll be a little hard to force a gay man to make out with me from behind the glass , but I ’ ll find a way !
” In a report released by the manufacturers , the two-inch-thick barrier claims to be excellent at muffling the “ Woos !
” of drunk straight girls , and the industrial strength material guarantees to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ force or one 12-person bachelorette party .
“ I don ’ t want to completely ostracize straight women , ” added Fledger “ So , we made sure to carve out little circles in the barrier , in certain sections , for straight girls to stick their head through .
Sort of like those cut-outs at pumpkin patches where you put your head through and take a picture as if you were Scarecrow Sally.
” “ I love Ben Dela Crème !
” exclaimed Carly McFarlen , a Woo-girl from Waterloo as she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
And Trixie Matel !
Woo !
I took the Go-Train in to see her tonight !
Woo !
Are they here ?
I stan them !
WOO !
!
!
” At press time , Ballrooms have installed plexiglass barriers to stop the spread of cis-gay men appropriating Black queer culture .

TORONTO – As part of the province’s stage three reopening protocol, a local gay bar has installed plexiglass to protect patrons against an influx of straight women.
“Safety is our top priority,” said Max Fledger, owner of a popular drag bar who installed the plexiglass last week. “We’re hoping the glass barrier will provide substantial protection against the pandemic that is straight women co-opting queer spaces.”
“Oh, and I’m sure it’ll also help stop the spread of COVID, too,” added Fledger.
The state-of-the-art plexiglass encloses the bar, DJ booth, stage, and dance floor, allowing queer people to gather on the inside and straight women to observe through the glass barrier, on the outside. According to Fledger, once the province hits further stages of reopening, he plans on installing arrows on the floor for straight women to take a lap around the plexiglass and then out the door. “Straight women treat gay bars like a zoo anyways, so may as well lean into it.”
“I’m kinda offended!!” declared Britney Jamison, who claimed to understand the importance of safe spaces because she watched Drag Race and listened to Drag Coven. “I mean, it’ll be a little hard to force a gay man to make out with me from behind the glass, but I’ll find a way!”
In a report released by the manufacturers, the two-inch-thick barrier claims to be excellent at muffling the “Woos!” of drunk straight girls, and the industrial strength material guarantees to withstand up to a thousand tonnes of force or one 12-person bachelorette party.
“I don’t want to completely ostracize straight women,” added Fledger “So, we made sure to carve out little circles in the barrier, in certain sections, for straight girls to stick their head through. Sort of like those cut-outs at pumpkin patches where you put your head through and take a picture as if you were Scarecrow Sally.”
“I love Ben Dela Crème!” exclaimed Carly McFarlen, a Woo-girl from Waterloo as she tested the cut out. “Woo! And Trixie Matel! Woo! I took the Go-Train in to see her tonight! Woo! Are they here ? I stan them! WOO!!!”
At press time, Ballrooms have installed plexiglass barriers to stop the spread of cis-gay men appropriating Black queer culture.


thebeaverton--2020-08-07--Ontario government announces plan to blame the feds if school reopening plan goes wrong

TORONTO – The Ontario government announced its new plan to blame the federal government in the event that their plan to reopen schools during a pandemic backfires .
“ Parents will know that if our decision has catastrophic consequences , we have a back-up plan , ” announced Education Minister Stephen Lecce .
“ This includes holding the federal government to account for the lack of PPE , creating a fictitious federal ministry of primary and secondary schools , and gaslighting anyone who questioned our plan.
” Beginning in September , the Ford government will allow the province ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ classrooms believing that social distancing will be possible .
However , Premier Doug Ford has reassured the public that his strategy of preemptively faulting another government will pay off in the long run .
“ We are fully prepared to make everything think education is a federal responsibility and call for heads to roll in the Trudeau cabinet , ” added Premier Ford .
“ We will repeat ‘ the feds opened the schools too early ’ so often , you ’ ll forget who made this decision in the first place.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ meters away from each other 6 hours a day , the PC government said that it will do its part by quarantining itself from any accountability of what may come .

TORONTO – The Ontario government announced its new plan to blame the federal government in the event that their plan to reopen schools during a pandemic backfires.
“Parents will know that if our decision has catastrophic consequences, we have a back-up plan,” announced Education Minister Stephen Lecce. “This includes holding the federal government to account for the lack of PPE, creating a fictitious federal ministry of primary and secondary schools, and gaslighting anyone who questioned our plan.”
Beginning in September, the Ford government will allow the province’s 2 million students to return to crowded classrooms believing that social distancing will be possible. However, Premier Doug Ford has reassured the public that his strategy of preemptively faulting another government will pay off in the long run.
“We are fully prepared to make everything think education is a federal responsibility and call for heads to roll in the Trudeau cabinet,” added Premier Ford. “We will repeat ‘the feds opened the schools too early’ so often, you’ll forget who made this decision in the first place.”
While children are expected to keep 2 meters away from each other 6 hours a day, the PC government said that it will do its part by quarantining itself from any accountability of what may come.


thebeaverton--2020-08-07--Leafs bring comfort and normalcy during tough times by collapsing in playoffs

TORONTO – Seeking to restore a bit of familiarity to hockey fans living in such uncertain times The Toronto Maple Leafs are upholding their long-standing tradition of just shitting the bed come playoff time .
“ The last 5 months have been so chaotic and unprecedented , ” said fan Jacob McNamara .
“ So it ’ s nice to see things getting back to normal .
And by normal I mean the Leafs ’ playoff performance making me feel a rage so strong that I woke up with the taste of blood in my mouth this morning.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a play-in tournament the Leafs are technically collapsing before the playoffs .
But either way it feels like home , ” he added .
The Leafs ’ inconsistency has finally restored some consistency into the lives of Canadians , something the team says they are well aware of .
“ So much has changed recently .
Can you imagine if we came back from the season suspension and all of a sudden tried hard every game ?
That would be too much for people to handle I think , ” said captain John @ @ @ @ @ @ @ go beyond just bringing a bit of pre-pandemic life back however .
They are also trying to bring a divided country together by giving all Canadians the chance to laugh at this stupid team .

TORONTO – Seeking to restore a bit of familiarity to hockey fans living in such uncertain times The Toronto Maple Leafs are upholding their long-standing tradition of just shitting the bed come playoff time.
“The last 3 years have been so chaotic and unprecedented,” said fan Jacob McNamara. “So it’s nice to see things getting back to normal. And by normal I mean the Leafs’ playoff performance making me feel a rage so strong that I woke up with the taste of blood in my mouth this morning.”
“It feels like home,” he added.
The Leafs’ inconsistency has finally restored some consistency into the lives of Canadians, something the team says they are well aware of.
“So much has changed recently. Can you imagine if we suddenly tried hard every game? That would be too much for people to handle I think,” said Auston Matthews.
The team’s efforts go beyond just bringing a bit of pre-pandemic life back however. They are also trying to bring a divided country together by giving all Canadians the chance to laugh at this stupid team.


thebeaverton--2020-08-07--Report: Best way to know if the dishwasher is running is to open it while asking “is the dishwasher

Report: Best way to know if the dishwasher is running is to open it while asking “is the dishwasher on?”

WINNIPEG – An official report from the Government of Canada states the best way to know if the dishwasher is running is to open it while simultaneously asking “ is the dishwasher on ?
” “ The results were unanimous , ” said Naledi Ali of the Department of Efficiency , who led the study .
“ We tested everything – display screens , countdown timers , and even little jingles that let you know when the wash cycle is done .
However , nothing could compare to the speed and accuracy of blindly opening the door of the dishwasher @ @ @ @ @ @ @ everywhere.
” “ The problem is , my dishwasher is so quiet that I can barely tell if it ’ s on !
” stated Brian Ray , a control group participant whose partner routinely turned the dishwasher on every day , at the same time .
According to the report , approximately seven to ten minutes later Ray would ask if the dishwasher was put through after finding the morning coffee mug he left on the window sill .
“ I didn ’ t open it up all the way , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ trial tested the effectiveness of sticking a STOP !
THE DISHWASHER IS ON magnet to the door .
“ Less than an inch – just enough to slip a rogue spoon in .
I ’ d say 7 out of 10 times it landed in the cutlery cage and sometimes it fell under the bottom rack.You just got ta risk it because it can ’ t wait until the morning !
” Ali and her team have also experimented with an alarm system programmed to go off every 30 seconds with a voice @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” but participants would just try to open the door super quick , resulting in a face full of steam .
“ On the plus side , it ’ s a helpful reminder that you ’ re wearing glasses.
” Ali has announced additional studies , including whether the best way to test if the iron is ready is to touch it and give yourself a second degree burn .

WINNIPEG – An official report from the Government of Canada states the best way to know if the dishwasher is running is to open it while simultaneously asking “is the dishwasher on?”
“The results were unanimous,” said Naledi Ali of the Department of Efficiency, who led the study. “We tested everything – display screens, countdown timers, and even little jingles that let you know when the wash cycle is done. However, nothing could compare to the speed and accuracy of blindly opening the door of the dishwasher mid-cycle and letting the water spritz out everywhere.”
“The problem is, my dishwasher is so quiet that I can barely tell if it’s on!” stated Brian Ray, a control group participant whose partner routinely turned the dishwasher on every day, at the same time. According to the report, approximately seven to ten minutes later Ray would ask if the dishwasher was put through after finding the morning coffee mug he left on the window sill.
“I didn’t open it up all the way,” added Ashika Patel, another participant whose trial tested the effectiveness of sticking a STOP! THE DISHWASHER IS ON magnet to the door. “Less than an inch – just enough to slip a rogue spoon in. I’d say 7 out of 10 times it landed in the cutlery cage and sometimes it fell under the bottom rack.You just gotta risk it because it can’t wait until the morning!”
Ali and her team have also experimented with an alarm system programmed to go off every 30 seconds with a voice loudly stating “the dishwasher is on” but participants would just try to open the door super quick, resulting in a face full of steam. “On the plus side, it’s a helpful reminder that you’re wearing glasses.”
Ali has announced additional studies, including whether the best way to test if the iron is ready is to touch it and give yourself a second degree burn.


thebeaverton--2020-08-07--Police in Niagara-on-the-Lake investigate drive-by hooting

NIAGARA-ON-THE-LAKE , ON – Upper-middle class residents of a picturesque town are on edge after reports of a drive-by hooting that police say exceeded 75 dB .
Locals became suspicious of the suspect ’ s non-luxury vehicle which made several passes on Queen ’ s Parade before the passenger pulled out his mouth and emitted several sounds .
“ It could have been a ‘ woot !
woot !
’ , a ‘ yeehaw !
’ , or someone complaining about the lack of parking , ” said a soft spoken Sergeant of the Niagara Regional Police .
“ Our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ community on this one.
” “ He just kept hooting and hooting in rapid succession , ” whispered a stodgy owner of a $ 2 million saltbox-style house who was in earshot when the louder noise occurred .
“ I could have been mildly disturbed had I been closer.
” Some residents blame the normal rumblings on an ongoing country club turf war between the septuagenarian and octogenarian gangs .
“ Whenever violence happens in our town , we must hold on to and cherish our values , ” murmured a proprietor of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just gossiping about a neighbor ’ s subpar picket fence .
“ …our property values , and they ’ re going down thanks to all of this racket .
Just last week , I survived someone stepping on a twig at a nearby park.
” The town , which recently proposed a by-law banning noises above 55 decibels , has not seen such level of traumatizing noise since it was burned down in 1813 by invading American forces after snobbish inhabitants petitioned to have the War of 1812 relocated to another continent .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ of 911 calls from residents complaining about a passing thunderstorm .

NIAGARA-ON-THE-LAKE, ON – Upper-middle class residents of a picturesque town are on edge after reports of a drive-by hooting that police say exceeded 75 dB.
Locals became suspicious of the suspect’s non-luxury vehicle which made several passes on Queen’s Parade before the passenger pulled out his mouth and emitted several sounds.
“It could have been a ‘woot! woot!’, a ‘yeehaw!’, or someone complaining about the lack of parking,” said a soft spoken Sergeant of the Niagara Regional Police. “Our investigators are working very quietly with the community on this one.”
“He just kept hooting and hooting in rapid succession,” whispered a stodgy owner of a $2 million saltbox-style house who was in earshot when the louder noise occurred. “I could have been mildly disturbed had I been closer.”
Some residents blame the normal rumblings on an ongoing country club turf war between the septuagenarian and octogenarian gangs.
“Whenever violence happens in our town, we must hold on to and cherish our values,” murmured a proprietor of a $5 million mansion who was just gossiping about a neighbor’s subpar picket fence. “…our property values, and they’re going down thanks to all of this racket. Just last week, I survived someone stepping on a twig at a nearby park.”
The town, which recently proposed a by-law banning noises above 55 decibels, has not seen such level of traumatizing noise since it was burned down in 1813 by invading American forces after snobbish inhabitants petitioned to have the War of 1812 relocated to another continent.
Meanwhile, police were dealing with dozens of 911 calls from residents complaining about a passing thunderstorm.