thebeaverton--2020-10-22--Trudeau ready to trigger election if cafeteria doesn’t have those delicious mozza sticks

OTTAWA – While waiting in line at the Parliamentary cafeteria , Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said he ’ s willing to go to the polls if he doesn ’ t get his hands on some gooey mozza sticks within the next 15 minutes .
The menu option was considered a vote of confidence in the PM ’ s handling of the COVID-19 pandemic including the WE charity scandal .
“ If this food establishment doesn ’ t have any trust in my menu demands , we ’ re having an election , ” asserted the PM to a confused food @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t want to do this , and Canadians don ’ t want a snap vote right now , so I am asking you , where are the mozza sticks ?
” Trudeau insisted that it would be dangerous to have an election during a pandemic and equally dangerous to cut Canadians short of their Marinara sauce .
NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh reluctantly paid for the steaming pile of deep fried snacks as the PM claimed to have forgotten his wallet .
Meanwhile , Opposition Leader Erin O ’ Toole has employed the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that failed less than 24 hours ago .

OTTAWA – While waiting in line at the Parliamentary cafeteria, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said he’s willing to go to the polls if he doesn’t get his hands on some gooey mozza sticks within the next 15 minutes.
The menu option was considered a vote of confidence in the PM’s handling of the COVID-19 pandemic including the WE charity scandal.
“If this food establishment doesn’t have any trust in my menu demands, we’re having an election,” asserted the PM to a confused food and beverage worker. “I don’t want to do this, and Canadians don’t want a snap vote right now, so I am asking you, where are the mozza sticks?”
Trudeau insisted that it would be dangerous to have an election during a pandemic and equally dangerous to cut Canadians short of their Marinara sauce.
NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh reluctantly paid for the steaming pile of deep fried snacks as the PM claimed to have forgotten his wallet.
Meanwhile, Opposition Leader Erin O’Toole has employed the genius strategy of doing the same thing that failed less than 24 hours ago.


thebeaverton--2020-10-22--Guy wearing brown cape hopefully just quirky and not some weird new kind of white supremacist

OTTAWA – According to reports , a man spotted wearing a brown cape with a little hood is , dear God let ’ s hope , just really into Lord of the Rings or something and not wearing this as a kind of signal to other members of some random wackadoo hate group .
“ I saw him and I was like , huh , I guess he ’ s on his way to maybe a Renaissance fair thing , ” local resident Sherry Drin told reporters .
“ At first I thought it was kind of sweet , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fly .
Then I was like wait… that ’ s not supposed to be , like , some creepy symbol of Norse Gods ’ superiority or some bullshit like that , is it ?
” “ Like , these days it ’ s sometimes hard to tell.
” The sighting of the young man , who , let ’ s be optimistic here , is probably just trying to pull off a low-key Witcher vibe , came in the wake of increased coverage of super duper weird white supremacist groups that wear idiosyncratic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ slightly charmed , then concerned about the ( fingers crossed , just harmlessly eccentric ) young man .
“ Uh , maybe he ’ s trying out a Halloween Costume early ?
” neighbourhood member Tim Julp speculated .
“ I mean , the cape ’ s cute – whimsical .
Huh , it looked like it has some embroidery on the edge .
Maybe it ’ s like a Game of Thrones thing ?
Like he ’ s going through a ‘ dress like a hobbit ’ phase ?
” “ Yeah @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hopefully just about that and not… you know , other stuff–Jesus , is that a sword ?
What ’ s that for ?
” At press time , comments from some additional eyewitnesses indicate we ’ re probably looking someone who has a special night planned for his dungeons and dragons group .
Like , at least 85 % sure .

OTTAWA – According to reports, a man spotted wearing a brown cape with a little hood is, dear God let’s hope, just really into Lord of the Rings or something and not wearing this as a kind of signal to other members of some random wackadoo hate group.
“I saw him and I was like, huh, I guess he’s on his way to maybe a Renaissance fair thing,” local resident Sherry Drin told reporters. “At first I thought it was kind of sweet, the way he was letting his freak flag fly. Then I was like wait… that’s not supposed to be, like, some creepy symbol of Norse Gods’ superiority or some bullshit like that, is it?”
“Like, these days it’s sometimes hard to tell.”
The sighting of the young man, who, let’s be optimistic here, is probably just trying to pull off a low-key Witcher vibe, came in the wake of increased coverage of super duper weird white supremacist groups that wear idiosyncratic clothing.
Other onlookers also reported feeling slightly charmed, then concerned about the (fingers crossed, just harmlessly eccentric) young man.
“Uh, maybe he’s trying out a Halloween Costume early?” neighbourhood member Tim Julp speculated. “I mean, the cape’s cute – whimsical. Huh, it looked like it has some embroidery on the edge. Maybe it’s like a Game of Thrones thing? Like he’s going through a ‘dress like a hobbit’ phase?”
“Yeah, I mean, it’s hopefully just about that and not… you know, other stuff–Jesus, is that a sword? What’s that for?”
At press time, comments from some additional eyewitnesses indicate we’re probably looking someone who has a special night planned for his dungeons and dragons group. Like, at least 85% sure.


thebeaverton--2020-10-23--Headless Mitch McConnell says there’s nothing wrong with his health

WASHINGTON – A decapitated US Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell says there are no concerns about his health .
“ @ @ @ @ @ said the body of McConnell speaking from his neck cavity .
“ The American people @ @ @ @ @ continue serving the same way as I always do .
These strange bruises and bandages @ @ @ @ @ no concern.
” Reporters avoided questioning the Senator ’ s other evident injuries including a @ @ @ @ @ back .
The Kentucky representative is running for his seventh term and is widely expected @ @ @ @ @ long-time Congressmen including an urn containing ashes of a former representative running in Texas .

WASHINGTON – A decapitated US Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell says there are no concerns about his health.
“Everything is fine,” said the body of McConnell speaking from his neck cavity. “The American people can anticipate that I will continue serving the same way as I always do. These strange bruises and bandages on my hands are of no concern.”
Reporters avoided questioning the Senator’s other evident injuries including a javelin sticking out of his back.
The Kentucky representative is running for his seventh term and is widely expected to win along with other long-time Congressmen including an urn containing ashes of a former representative running in Texas.


thebeaverton--2020-10-23--5 tips for better sleep that you can read on your bright phone at 2AM

Sleep is vital to good health but studies find that 1 in 4 Canadian adults don ’ t get their recommended nightly amount of Z ’ s .
So we ’ ve created this easy-to-read guide of tips for better sleep ( specially designed with a bright , white background ) that can be accessed at any time of the day or night but probably night .
1 .
Relax .
Try to do something that physically and mentally relaxes you , such as meditation , a warm bath , listening to calming music or scrolling through the deepest parts @ @ @ @ @ @ @ until the sun rises in the east .
2 .
Create a Comfortable Sleep Environment .
A comfortable sleep environment includes supportive mattress , fresh bedding , a pleasant temperature , and one of those 8ft charging cables so your phone stays plugged in no matter where you use it in bed .
That way you can get the kind of restful sleep you can only get when your phone is lying on your nose and face .
3 .
Start a sleep diary .
Many people find it helpful to track how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wake up , and techniques that are successful .
There are lots of great apps for this , which are really easy to update at 1AM and then again at 3AM .
4 .
Set a bedtime routine .
Experts believe that following the same , set routine each night can help you better fall asleep .
Everyone ’ s routine is different , but it might look something like this : – 9:45pm Wash face and brush teeth .
– 10:00pm Read .
– 10:30pm Turn off lights .
– 10:31pm to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the plot synopsis for every Friday the 13th movie .
5 .
Avoid screen time for 3 hours before bed .
Turn on do not disturb mode .
It doesn ’ t stop you from arguing with strangers about QAnon the whole night , but at least you can have it on .
If you follow these simple steps tips , you will fall asleep though sheer exhaustion and get a whole three hours sleep ( cumulative over several days ) .
Pleasant dreams !

Sleep is vital to good health but studies find that 1 in 4 Canadian adults don’t get their recommended nightly amount of Z’s. So we’ve created this easy-to-read guide of tips for better sleep (specially designed with a bright, white background) that can be accessed at any time of the day or night but probably night.
1. Relax. Try to do something that physically and mentally relaxes you, such as meditation, a warm bath, listening to calming music or scrolling through the deepest parts of the internet for the 9 hours until the sun rises in the east.
2. Create a Comfortable Sleep Environment. A comfortable sleep environment includes supportive mattress, fresh bedding, a pleasant temperature, and one of those 8ft charging cables so your phone stays plugged in no matter where you use it in bed. That way you can get the kind of restful sleep you can only get when your phone is lying on your nose and face.
3. Start a sleep diary. Many people find it helpful to track how much they are sleeping, when they wake up, and techniques that are successful. There are lots of great apps for this, which are really easy to update at 1AM and then again at 3AM.
4. Set a bedtime routine. Experts believe that following the same, set routine each night can help you better fall asleep. Everyone’s routine is different, but it might look something like this:
– 9:45pm Wash face and brush teeth.
– 10:00pm Read.
– 10:30pm Turn off lights.
– 10:31pm to 4:30am Fall down a wiki-wormhole and read the plot synopsis for every Friday the 13th movie.
5. Avoid screen time for 3 hours before bed. Turn on do not disturb mode. It doesn’t stop you from arguing with strangers about QAnon the whole night, but at least you can have it on.
If you follow these simple steps tips, you will fall asleep though sheer exhaustion and get a whole three hours sleep (cumulative over several days). Pleasant dreams!


thebeaverton--2020-10-23--Representation win! This Hallmark movie will feature the whitest, straightest-looking gay couple

Hamilton , ON – In a landmark move towards representation and inclusion , the network behind beloved holiday movies that traditionally centre around heterosexual romances , will now feature the whitest , straightest-looking gay couple .
“ Our holiday table is bigger and more welcoming than ever !
” said Mikayla Voss , EVP , programming for Hallmark , the same network that pulled a jewlery ad last year for featuring a same-sex couple kissing .
“ Our movies are rooted in warmth , meaningful connections , family gatherings , and seasonal traditions — all filtered through the close-knit sieve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a winning formula !
According to the network ’ s press release , the story centers around a handsome , white big-city lawyer who returns home to his charming small-town for the holidays , where he is immediately accepted into every space he enters .
Throughout the film , his delightfully , meddling mother will try to set her son up with an unthreatening and equally white , handsome man , who subscribes to traditional roles of masculinity like chopping wood and wearing a down vest over a plaid flannel shirt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ love , via the same pattern of straight relationships , and when the big-city-gay is offered a job promotion in London , he must choose what is most important to him – buying into systems of heteronormativity or capitalism .
“ I originally wrote it as a straight couple , ” revealed Mark J. Williams , the screenwriter .
“ But then I just control/F/Replaced all the ‘ shes ’ for ‘ hes ’ and voila !
Gay !
” “ It ’ s time our camera reflects real life and just like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to edit themselves in order to be palpable to straight people , ” added Voss when asked why the storyline glazes over any forms of prejudice that queer people experience on the daily .
“ We took an à la carte approach to queer representation and selectively chose which parts to highlight – like straight teeth , good hair , and a drag queen Miss Claus but , don ’ t worry , we made sure to censor the jingle-bells out of her !
” In an email Hallmark also bragged that they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a South Asian actor to be the best-friend whose storyline gets edited out of the final cut .
At press time , Hallmark has no plans of covering any other holidays as its common knowledge that all gays are christians .

Hamilton, ON – In a landmark move towards representation and inclusion, the network behind beloved holiday movies that traditionally centre around heterosexual romances, will now feature the whitest, straightest-looking gay couple.
“Our holiday table is bigger and more welcoming than ever!” said Mikayla Voss, EVP, programming for Hallmark, the same network that pulled a jewlery ad last year for featuring a same-sex couple kissing. “Our movies are rooted in warmth, meaningful connections, family gatherings, and seasonal traditions — all filtered through the close-knit sieve that is cis-white, heteronormativity. It’s a winning formula!
According to the network’s press release, the story centers around a handsome, white big-city lawyer who returns home to his charming small-town for the holidays, where he is immediately accepted into every space he enters. Throughout the film, his delightfully, meddling mother will try to set her son up with an unthreatening and equally white, handsome man, who subscribes to traditional roles of masculinity like chopping wood and wearing a down vest over a plaid flannel shirt.
The two men will fall in love, via the same pattern of straight relationships, and when the big-city-gay is offered a job promotion in London, he must choose what is most important to him – buying into systems of heteronormativity or capitalism.
“I originally wrote it as a straight couple,” revealed Mark J. Williams, the screenwriter. “But then I just control/F/Replaced all the ‘shes’ for ‘hes’ and voila! Gay!”
“It’s time our camera reflects real life and just like in real life, lgbtq2ia+ people have to edit themselves in order to be palpable to straight people,” added Voss when asked why the storyline glazes over any forms of prejudice that queer people experience on the daily. “We took an à la carte approach to queer representation and selectively chose which parts to highlight – like straight teeth, good hair, and a drag queen Miss Claus but, don’t worry, we made sure to censor the jingle-bells out of her!”
In an email Hallmark also bragged that they also met their diversity quota by casting a South Asian actor to be the best-friend whose storyline gets edited out of the final cut.
At press time, Hallmark has no plans of covering any other holidays as its common knowledge that all gays are christians.


thebeaverton--2020-10-25--Hunter Biden seen creeping around bushes of Fox News viewers

AMERICA – According to multiple reports from Fox News viewers around the United States , Hunter Biden has been creeping around the bushes of several American households , and in some cases going so far as to leeringly peer into the windows .
“ I heard some rustling outside in the commercial break between Tucker Carlson Tonight and Hannity , ” said Jane Hanover of Columbus , Ohio .
“ And when I looked outside , there he was , Biden junior himself , with that creepy money-laundering look in his eyes.
” Hunter Biden , the son of presidential @ @ @ @ @ @ @ subject of much interest on Fox News recently , and is suspected of crimes ranging from being the long lost connection between pizzagate and the Kennedy assassinations to dropping off a laptop filled with emails to a repair shop .
“ He is a monster , ” explained Dan Raulston of Carson City , Nevada .
“ So it didn ’ t surprise me at all that , when I noticed a monster in my bushes , and I took a closer look , I discovered that it was probably Hunter Biden , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Zack Snyder cut of Justice League ” The Biden family has denied that Hunter has embarked on a cross-country bush-creeping mission to emotionally disturb every Fox News viewer , but according to Laura Ingraham , the Biden family ’ s denials only cement the case against Hunter as a lurker .
“ Why would the Bidens deny there is a skulking peeping tom in their family if it wasn ’ t true ?
” said Ingraham on her show , The Ingraham Angle .
“ Seems pretty convenient to me that Hunter Biden @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to 9pm last night , when 847,000 people across the country spotted him in a tree by their house , holding binoculars.
” Coincidentally , Donald Trump Junior released a statement yesterday , saying that “ If anyone saw me in any bushes recently , I was only looking for elephants to hunt .
Elephants with known ties to Ukrainian Energy companies .
Who are also pedophiles .
”

AMERICA – According to multiple reports from Fox News viewers around the United States, Hunter Biden has been creeping around the bushes of several American households, and in some cases going so far as to leeringly peer into the windows.
“I heard some rustling outside in the commercial break between Tucker Carlson Tonight and Hannity,” said Jane Hanover of Columbus, Ohio. “And when I looked outside, there he was, Biden junior himself, with that creepy money-laundering look in his eyes.”
Hunter Biden, the son of presidential candidate Joe Biden, has been the subject of much interest on Fox News recently, and is suspected of crimes ranging from being the long lost connection between pizzagate and the Kennedy assassinations to dropping off a laptop filled with emails to a repair shop.
“He is a monster,” explained Dan Raulston of Carson City, Nevada. “So it didn’t surprise me at all that, when I noticed a monster in my bushes, and I took a closer look, I discovered that it was probably Hunter Biden, the guy who made them release the Zack Snyder cut of Justice League”
The Biden family has denied that Hunter has embarked on a cross-country bush-creeping mission to emotionally disturb every Fox News viewer, but according to Laura Ingraham, the Biden family’s denials only cement the case against Hunter as a lurker.
“Why would the Bidens deny there is a skulking peeping tom in their family if it wasn’t true?” said Ingraham on her show, The Ingraham Angle. “Seems pretty convenient to me that Hunter Biden was not at his house from 8pm to 9pm last night, when 847,000 people across the country spotted him in a tree by their house, holding binoculars.”
Coincidentally, Donald Trump Junior released a statement yesterday, saying that “If anyone saw me in any bushes recently, I was only looking for elephants to hunt. Elephants with known ties to Ukrainian Energy companies. Who are also pedophiles.”


thebeaverton--2020-10-26--NASA announces the Moon will soon activate all the werewolves “just because it can”

WASHINGTON , D.C. – The American National Aeronautics and Space Administration held a press conference today to announce their discovery that the Moon will soon be forcing every lycanthrope into their wolf form in an act of pure lunar arrogance .
“ We can not stress enough how dangerous it will be for the human race when the Moon activates all our werewolves , or how the little the Moon cares about the consequences of this action , ” said Dr. Claudia Jimenez , NASA ’ s Chief Lunar Behaviorist .
“ The Moon is being , to put it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Because it ’ s so bright and beautiful , humanity tends to give the Moon the benefit of the doubt and to forget that the Moon has a real dark side .
Turning people into ravening lupine predators is just one example of that .
It also enjoys periodically blocking the sun to try to freak us out.
” While NASA is still unable to explain how sunlight reflected off of the lunar surface causes human beings to shapeshift into wolves , what they do know is that the Moon is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all their data indicates the Moon will soon unleash wolfish hell on Earth for “ shits and possibly giggles.
” “ We can ’ t say for certain why the Moon behaves this way , other than that it ’ s the solar system ’ s biggest jerk , ” Jimenez said .
“ There ’ s a reason Earth only has one natural satellite while most planets have several , and it ’ s because our moon is a real garbage astronomical body that none of the other astronomical bodies want to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ were unable to pinpoint when exactly the activation of the werewolves will take place , but warned that assumptions that it would happen on a full moon were faulty as the Moon will likely get more of a kick out of doing it when humanity isn ’ t expecting it , like during a new moon or even on a Wednesday .
“ We don ’ t know when it will happen , all we can say for certain is that a mass lycanthropic event will take place soon , and it will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ messy planetoid who loves wolfy drama , ” Jimenez explained .
“ Just a real piece of celestial shit.
” NASA has also cautioned the public to stop blaming Mercury being in retrograde for all their problems , Mercury can not help that and is actually a pretty cool planet once you get to know it .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The American National Aeronautics and Space Administration held a press conference today to announce their discovery that the Moon will soon be forcing every lycanthrope into their wolf form in an act of pure lunar arrogance.
“We cannot stress enough how dangerous it will be for the human race when the Moon activates all our werewolves, or how the little the Moon cares about the consequences of this action,” said Dr. Claudia Jimenez, NASA’s Chief Lunar Behaviorist. “The Moon is being, to put it bluntly, a real asshole about this.”
“Because it’s so bright and beautiful, humanity tends to give the Moon the benefit of the doubt and to forget that the Moon has a real dark side. Turning people into ravening lupine predators is just one example of that. It also enjoys periodically blocking the sun to try to freak us out.”
While NASA is still unable to explain how sunlight reflected off of the lunar surface causes human beings to shapeshift into wolves, what they do know is that the Moon is in full control of this effect and all their data indicates the Moon will soon unleash wolfish hell on Earth for “shits and possibly giggles.”
“We can’t say for certain why the Moon behaves this way, other than that it’s the solar system’s biggest jerk,” Jimenez said. “There’s a reason Earth only has one natural satellite while most planets have several, and it’s because our moon is a real garbage astronomical body that none of the other astronomical bodies want to be around.”
NASA’s scientists were unable to pinpoint when exactly the activation of the werewolves will take place, but warned that assumptions that it would happen on a full moon were faulty as the Moon will likely get more of a kick out of doing it when humanity isn’t expecting it, like during a new moon or even on a Wednesday.
“We don’t know when it will happen, all we can say for certain is that a mass lycanthropic event will take place soon, and it will take place because the Moon is a messy planetoid who loves wolfy drama,” Jimenez explained. “Just a real piece of celestial shit.”
NASA has also cautioned the public to stop blaming Mercury being in retrograde for all their problems, Mercury cannot help that and is actually a pretty cool planet once you get to know it.


thebeaverton--2020-10-26--Man slipping razor blades into Halloween candy feeling pretty lost this year

TORONTO – Local sicko Hugh Savarian , who ’ s been carefully sliding razor blades into candy for trick or treaters for the past 37 years of his life , has reported feelings of aimlessness and a lost sense of purpose this October .
“ You spend the whole month buying up full sized chocolate bars , candy big enough to fit a deadly blade in to kill random children for half your life , and when you learn that you just can ’ t do it , it takes its toll you know ?
” “ I understand we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I don ’ t know.
” Canada recently saw swift rises in the number of COVID-19 diagnoses , prompting federal authorities to suggest children stay home for Halloween .
Alternatives to traditional trick or treating include a home spooky movie night with candy , and sourcing the razor blades from their parents .
Savarian has reportedly tried other holidays such as hiding sharp implements into children ’ s Christmas gifts or inside condoms for lovers on Valentine ’ s Day .
“ It ’ s just not the same , you get kids @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s easy , they ’ re requesting the candy !
Who ’ s going to take an unsolicited condom ?
Nobody , that ’ s who.
” “ I tried to adjust , I really did , ” Savarian continued .
“ What I wouldn ’ t give to see the face of a child light up , knowing that I just made his night and then ruined the rest of his life… ” Savarian then wiped away a single tear rolling down his cheek .
Hope may come for Savarian yet , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ position on whether trick-or-treating is allowed or not 5 times since this morning .

TORONTO – Local sicko Hugh Savarian, who’s been carefully sliding razor blades into candy for trick or treaters for the past 37 years of his life, has reported feelings of aimlessness and a lost sense of purpose this October.
“You spend the whole month buying up full sized chocolate bars, candy big enough to fit a deadly blade in to kill random children for half your life, and when you learn that you just can’t do it, it takes its toll you know?”
“I understand we all have to be safe, but… I don’t know.”
Canada recently saw swift rises in the number of COVID-19 diagnoses, prompting federal authorities to suggest children stay home for Halloween. Alternatives to traditional trick or treating include a home spooky movie night with candy, and sourcing the razor blades from their parents.
Savarian has reportedly tried other holidays such as hiding sharp implements into children’s Christmas gifts or inside condoms for lovers on Valentine’s Day.
“It’s just not the same, you get kids coming to your door, it’s easy, they’re requesting the candy! Who’s going to take an unsolicited condom? Nobody, that’s who.”
“I tried to adjust, I really did,” Savarian continued. “What I wouldn’t give to see the face of a child light up, knowing that I just made his night and then ruined the rest of his life…”
Savarian then wiped away a single tear rolling down his cheek.
Hope may come for Savarian yet, as Ontario Premier Doug Ford changed his position on whether trick-or-treating is allowed or not 5 times since this morning.


thebeaverton--2020-10-26--Local woman’s fondest memory of 2020 is really gonna be that new Borat movie huh?

CALGARY – Despite her best efforts at self-improvement and professional development during the COVID-19 pandemic , it looks like , somehow , the peak of Florence Vega ’ s year will be her Monday night screening of the new Borat movie .
“ I had big plans for 2020 , ” Vega said .
“ I was gon na get a promotion , travel , maybe meet somebody .
My plans were , as Borat would say , very nice.
” Then , of course , the pandemic hit .
With slashed hours and limited opportunity to leave her basement @ @ @ @ @ @ @ looking for something to brighten her outlook , to no avail .
“ I tried Animal Crossing , sourdough , making an OnlyFans , anything to make my year a little bit better , ” Vega said .
“ I even tried getting really into Tenet , but I caught COVID at the screening and you know what ?
Having COVID is more fun than watching Tenet.
” Vega had low expectations for the new Borat movie when she pressed “ play ” on a whim , but it changed everything .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It was funny , weird , heartwarming , and yeah , offensive , but in a good way , ” Vega explained .
“ Like when you ’ re flossing your teeth and it hurts but it also feels good .
And I thought ‘ huh .
This is the peak for me ?
Okay then.
’ ” Vega went on to enthuse , seemingly to her own bewilderment , at the stellar performance from Bulgarian newcomer Maria Bakalova , who plays Borat ’ s daughter .
“ I mean , usually just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feeling of sadness , ” Vega shrugged .
“ But when Maria made him look like a gross moron , on film , I laughed .
Laughed !
Can you believe it ?
I haven ’ t even smiled in weeks .
So weird.
” Vega , who never considered herself a Borat fan , now finds herself repeating “ my wife ” to herself over and over again in times of sadness or hardship , which is of course almost all the time .
“ I know there are a few months @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s inconceivable to me that anything could top the fairly-solid-but-not-great 7/10 experience I had watching Borat , ” Vega explained , completely unaware that she was referring to 2021 ’ s Best Picture winner at the Oscars .

CALGARY – Despite her best efforts at self-improvement and professional development during the COVID-19 pandemic, it looks like, somehow, the peak of Florence Vega’s year will be her Monday night screening of the new Borat movie.
“I had big plans for 2020,” Vega said. “I was gonna get a promotion, travel, maybe meet somebody. My plans were, as Borat would say, very nice.”
Then, of course, the pandemic hit. With slashed hours and limited opportunity to leave her basement apartment, Vega spent spring and summer looking for something to brighten her outlook, to no avail.
“I tried Animal Crossing, sourdough, making an OnlyFans, anything to make my year a little bit better,” Vega said. “I even tried getting really into Tenet, but I caught COVID at the screening and you know what? Having COVID is more fun than watching Tenet.”
Vega had low expectations for the new Borat movie when she pressed “play” on a whim, but it changed everything.
“I couldn’t believe it. It was funny, weird, heartwarming, and yeah, offensive, but in a good way,” Vega explained. “Like when you’re flossing your teeth and it hurts but it also feels good. And I thought ‘huh. This is the peak for me? Okay then.’”
Vega went on to enthuse, seemingly to her own bewilderment, at the stellar performance from Bulgarian newcomer Maria Bakalova, who plays Borat’s daughter.
“I mean, usually just looking at Rudy Giuliani triggers a profound feeling of sadness,” Vega shrugged. “ But when Maria made him look like a gross moron, on film, I laughed. Laughed! Can you believe it? I haven’t even smiled in weeks. So weird.”
Vega, who never considered herself a Borat fan, now finds herself repeating “my wife” to herself over and over again in times of sadness or hardship, which is of course almost all the time.
“I know there are a few months left in the year, but it’s inconceivable to me that anything could top the fairly-solid-but-not-great 7/10 experience I had watching Borat,” Vega explained, completely unaware that she was referring to 2021’s Best Picture winner at the Oscars.


thebeaverton--2020-10-27--Premier Scott Moe projected to pass roadside breathalyzer test

REGINA – The Beaverton is projecting that Scott Moe will pass his roadside breathalyzer test making him the next premier @ @ @ @ @ pulled over the Sask Party Leader recorded a 0.07 blood alcohol level after the incumbent @ @ @ @ @ chewed gum .
As a result , Moe will forgo a criminal charge and form @ @ @ @ @ Meanwhile , national media announced this will be the last the rest of the country @ @ @ @ @ politics for the next four years .

REGINA – The Beaverton is projecting that Scott Moe will pass his roadside breathalyzer test making him the next premier of Saskatchewan.
RCMP who pulled over the Sask Party Leader recorded a 0.07 blood alcohol level after the incumbent premier drank some water and chewed gum.
As a result, Moe will forgo a criminal charge and form a strong majority government.
Meanwhile, national media announced this will be the last the rest of the country will be hearing about Saskatchewan politics for the next four years.


thebeaverton--2020-10-27--“Athletes have the easiest job ever,” says man who would cry if his employer traded him to Winnipeg

Mississauga , ON – Local supply chain middle-manager Arnold Buckler has come under fire for recently stating his belief that athletes have the easiest job ever .
This statement was made despite the fact that if Buckler ’ s boss ever even suggested relocating his position to Winnipeg where he would be required to work in a new setting with a new team on just a single day ’ s notice it would induce a horrific panic attack .
“ I mean all they do is play a game for a living , ” Buckler stated despite his career of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and mentally taxing .
The 34-year old ’ s rant failed to recognize that at his age the vast majority of professional athletes have already been forced into retirement , a large percentage of which will carry lingering physical damage that will result in a pained , shortened life .
It quickly became apparent that Buckler was using “ athletes ” to encompass only mega-stars such as LeBron James or Connor McDavid who are the rare exceptions that make tens of millions of dollars whereas most athletes struggle to make ends meet while @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at all times .
Despite many superstar athletes themselves saying they would never wish for their children to pursue pro-sports due to the dangers and risks involved , Buckler insisted it was an easy job anyone could do .
Those who were witness to the scene claim that it wasn ’ t just professional athletes who Buckler put under fire , suggesting that actors , models , and even doctors were all attacked for their career choices .
The explanations varied from “ they just play pretend for a living ” to “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ living.
” Many believe that this rant may have been fueled by a combination of Buckler ’ s own dissatisfaction with his career and an eighth pint of Coors Light .
While the worry of being relocated to a city like Winnipeg , Jacksonville , or anywhere in the Midwest isn ’ t a looming concern of Buckler ’ s career , he has suggested that “ lazy jackasses ” are a far greater concern .
After wrapping up his tirade before the end of his two-hour lunch break , Buckler left the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reached for comment he claimed that “ all servers do is carry food , it ’ s the easiest job ever ” before returning to his mid-workday nap .

Mississauga, ON – Local supply chain middle-manager Arnold Buckler has come under fire for recently stating his belief that athletes have the easiest job ever. This statement was made despite the fact that if Buckler’s boss ever even suggested relocating his position to Winnipeg where he would be required to work in a new setting with a new team on just a single day’s notice it would induce a horrific panic attack.
“I mean all they do is play a game for a living,” Buckler stated despite his career of middle-management office supervision being far less physically and mentally taxing. The 34-year old’s rant failed to recognize that at his age the vast majority of professional athletes have already been forced into retirement, a large percentage of which will carry lingering physical damage that will result in a pained, shortened life.
It quickly became apparent that Buckler was using “athletes” to encompass only mega-stars such as LeBron James or Connor McDavid who are the rare exceptions that make tens of millions of dollars whereas most athletes struggle to make ends meet while being expected to maintain peak physical condition at all times. Despite many superstar athletes themselves saying they would never wish for their children to pursue pro-sports due to the dangers and risks involved, Buckler insisted it was an easy job anyone could do.
Those who were witness to the scene claim that it wasn’t just professional athletes who Buckler put under fire, suggesting that actors, models, and even doctors were all attacked for their career choices. The explanations varied from “they just play pretend for a living” to “they just perform open-heart surgery for a living.” Many believe that this rant may have been fueled by a combination of Buckler’s own dissatisfaction with his career and an eighth pint of Coors Light.
While the worry of being relocated to a city like Winnipeg, Jacksonville, or anywhere in the Midwest isn’t a looming concern of Buckler’s career, he has suggested that “lazy jackasses” are a far greater concern. After wrapping up his tirade before the end of his two-hour lunch break, Buckler left the restaurant without leaving a tip. When reached for comment he claimed that “all servers do is carry food, it’s the easiest job ever” before returning to his mid-workday nap.


thebeaverton--2020-10-27--Study: 90% of Canadians unable to say name Fabricland without immediately repeating it faster and lo

Study: 90% of Canadians unable to say name Fabricland without immediately repeating it faster and louder

TORONTO – A new study by the University of Toronto has found that , thanks to radio and tv jingles , the vast majority of Canadians are unable to say the name of cloth merchant Fabricland without immediately repeating it faster and much louder .
“ Other than the extremely old and extremely young nearly every Canadian has that jingle hard wired into their brain , making it impossible to say the name Fabricland just once , ” said heard researcher Marianne Chalmers .
“ FABRICLAND !
” she added .
“ Sorry I was born in the eighties so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not to say it.
” Some Canadians insisted they would be the exception to the rule , given the fact that they had never actually shopped at a Fabricland once in their life .
“ That ’ s ridiculous of course I don ’ t need to say it again , ” said 26 year old Saanvi de Silva .
“ Here : Fabricland .
Easy.
” Silva ’ s face then started turning red .
Her eyed bulged and her muscles tightened .
She was straining .
Desperate for relief .
She @ @ @ @ @ @ @ finally : “ FAAAAABBBBBRRRIIIIIICCCCLLLLAAAANNNDDDDDD !
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
” she burst out before collapsing on the ground .
The study also found that a similar number of Canadians can ’ t hear the numbers 9,6,7 in a row without immediately singing “ 11 , 11 , call Pizza Pizza hey hey hey !
”

TORONTO – A new study by the University of Toronto has found that, thanks to radio and tv jingles, the vast majority of Canadians are unable to say the name of cloth merchant Fabricland without immediately repeating it faster and much louder.
“Other than the extremely old and extremely young nearly every Canadian has that jingle hard wired into their brain, making it impossible to say the name Fabricland just once,” said heard researcher Marianne Chalmers.
“FABRICLAND!” she added. “Sorry I was born in the eighties so it’s absolutely impossible for me not to say it.”
Some Canadians insisted they would be the exception to the rule, given the fact that they had never actually shopped at a Fabricland once in their life.
“That’s ridiculous of course I don’t need to say it again,” said 26 year old Saanvi de Silva. “Here: Fabricland. Easy.”
Silva’s face then started turning red. Her eyed bulged and her muscles tightened. She was straining. Desperate for relief. She fought for what felt like ages until finally:
“FAAAAABBBBBRRRIIIIIICCCCLLLLAAAANNNDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!” she burst out before collapsing on the ground.
The study also found that a similar number of Canadians can’t hear the numbers 9,6,7 in a row without immediately singing “11, 11, call Pizza Pizza hey hey hey!”


thebeaverton--2020-10-27--Coney Barrett ends confirmation ceremony by accidentally deciding election for Trump 1 week early

WASHINGTON D.C. – Appearing at the White House for her swearing-in as a Supreme Court Justice , Amy Coney Barrett committed a humorous gaffe wherein she accidentally decided the upcoming US Election for Trump on the spot , instead of 1 week from now as was originally planned .
“ I , Amy Coney Barrett , do solemnly swear to ignore all the ballots in Pennsylvania and declare Donald J. Trump president… Oops !
” said Barrett , before the amused crowd of Republican politicians , lobbyists , and donors .
“ I judge that to be an embarrassing whoopsie-doodle @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll definitely still be rigging the election for Trump next week , ” Coney Barrett added , before returning to her swearing in .
Rather than expressing shock at Coney Barrett ’ s casual slip of the tongue , witnesses report that President Trump answered “ Yeah , that was the deal ” , before pledging to “ act surprised ” when the 6-3 conservative majority court undemocratically decides the election for him next week .
For their part , the assembled crowd took Coney Barrett revealing the months long Republican strategy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ permanent minoritarian control through dubious court decisions in stride .
“ We ’ ve been working on this in the shadows for years , ” chuckled Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell , “ so having ACB come out and say the quiet part loud – especially now that it ’ s a fait accompli and nothing can be done to change it – well that ’ s kind of a breath of fresh air.
” McConnell then excused himself to go laugh at some videos of orphans crying .
Reactions to the Coney @ @ @ @ @ @ @ most pundits pointed to her confirmation hearings strategy of never answering a single question as reason not to worry .
“ She probably didn ’ t actually mean that thing about subverting the will of American voters through a stolen Supreme Court , ” explained CNN ’ s Jake Tapper , before turning to a segment about whether Coney Barrett ’ s election-stealing reveal meant Joe Biden would pledge to pack the Supreme Court .
Reached for comment , Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer reacted to Amy Coney Barrett ’ s comments about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her “ a slightly less nice ” fruit basket than the one he was already planning to send .

WASHINGTON D.C. – Appearing at the White House for her swearing-in as a Supreme Court Justice, Amy Coney Barrett committed a humorous gaffe wherein she accidentally decided the upcoming US Election for Trump on the spot, instead of 1 week from now as was originally planned.
“I, Amy Coney Barrett, do solemnly swear to ignore all the ballots in Pennsylvania and declare Donald J. Trump president… Oops!” said Barrett, before the amused crowd of Republican politicians, lobbyists, and donors.
“I judge that to be an embarrassing whoopsie-doodle! But relax, everyone, we’ll definitely still be rigging the election for Trump next week,” Coney Barrett added, before returning to her swearing in.
Rather than expressing shock at Coney Barrett’s casual slip of the tongue, witnesses report that President Trump answered “Yeah, that was the deal”, before pledging to “act surprised” when the 6-3 conservative majority court undemocratically decides the election for him next week.
For their part, the assembled crowd took Coney Barrett revealing the months long Republican strategy to capture the American judiciary and maintain permanent minoritarian control through dubious court decisions in stride. “We’ve been working on this in the shadows for years,” chuckled Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, “so having ACB come out and say the quiet part loud – especially now that it’s a fait accompli and nothing can be done to change it – well that’s kind of a breath of fresh air.”
McConnell then excused himself to go laugh at some videos of orphans crying.
Reactions to the Coney Barrett election gaffe were mixed, though most pundits pointed to her confirmation hearings strategy of never answering a single question as reason not to worry. “She probably didn’t actually mean that thing about subverting the will of American voters through a stolen Supreme Court,” explained CNN’s Jake Tapper, before turning to a segment about whether Coney Barrett’s election-stealing reveal meant Joe Biden would pledge to pack the Supreme Court.
Reached for comment, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer reacted to Amy Coney Barrett’s comments about stealing the election by promising to send her “a slightly less nice” fruit basket than the one he was already planning to send.


thebeaverton--2020-10-27--Demand for Bubble Boy halloween costume reaches all-time high

OTTAWA – As spooky aficionados seek out creative ways to celebrate Halloween while practicing social distancing , an unlikely costume candidate has become popular : Jake Gyllenhaal ’ s character from the 2001 non-classic , Bubble Boy .
“ I had completely forgotten about it , to be honest , ” says Demetrius Sykes , shrugging from within the officially licensed Bubble Boy bubble he purchased on eBay .
“ But if this big plastic prison gets me out of the house for one blissful night , call me the biggest Bubble Boyficionado on the planet.
” Bubble Boy ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stockpile of the licensed costume that went unsold after the film ’ s flop , but that warehouse was completely cleared out in a matter of days .
They ’ re now scrambling to source a new supply chain to keep up with demand .
“ We ’ re currently in negotiations with multiple mask factories , all eager to meet the rising tide of Bubble Boy fever , ” a rep commented .
“ The costume will be constructed from several mask-shaped pieces of plastic , but otherwise will be a functional @ @ @ @ @ @ @ love so much.
” The film , which has a 31 % rating on Rotten Tomatoes , has failed to find new footing in the zeitgeist .
But the enormous , eye-catching bubble on the poster seems to have sparked the imagination of people across the country just desperate to not sit on the same damn couch watching Selling Sunset for the zillionth night in a row .
“ We all remember seeing the poster of him in the bubble hugging the hot lady and thinking ‘ haha , wow , wonder how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
’ ” explained Sofia Fischer , who has found new fame online with her YouTube video titled DIY : How to Cut Sex Holes in your Bubble Boy Halloween Costume .
“ But now , we ’ re like , ‘ haha , wow , it must be nice to see another person in the real world from the comfort of that bubble .
With a few strategic holes , how hard could the sex be ?
’ ” But Bubble Boy isn ’ t just for lonely grown ups .
A @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in youth sizes , and parents are loving it .
“ Oh , my six-year-old ’ s going as Bubble Boy , ” said neighboUrhood dad Tad Stanley .
“ His little bubble arms won ’ t be able to get the candy out of the bucket , and he ’ s gon na roll down a few stairs , but I ’ ll be damned if I have to sit with him for another night in this house.
” If you ’ re looking to get out this Halloween and Bubble Boy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ local Halloween store is stocking up on other protective costumes as well .
Other popular looks include astronaut , slender man , and human-sized hamster ball costumes .

OTTAWA – As spooky aficionados seek out creative ways to celebrate Halloween while practicing social distancing, an unlikely costume candidate has become popular: Jake Gyllenhaal’s character from the 2001 non-classic, Bubble Boy.
“I had completely forgotten about it, to be honest,” says Demetrius Sykes, shrugging from within the officially licensed Bubble Boy bubble he purchased on eBay. “But if this big plastic prison gets me out of the house for one blissful night, call me the biggest Bubble Boyficionado on the planet.”
Bubble Boy’s producers initially had a readily available stockpile of the licensed costume that went unsold after the film’s flop, but that warehouse was completely cleared out in a matter of days. They’re now scrambling to source a new supply chain to keep up with demand.
“We’re currently in negotiations with multiple mask factories, all eager to meet the rising tide of Bubble Boy fever,” a rep commented. “The costume will be constructed from several mask-shaped pieces of plastic, but otherwise will be a functional replica of that big bubble we all love so much.”
The film, which has a 31% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, has failed to find new footing in the zeitgeist. But the enormous, eye-catching bubble on the poster seems to have sparked the imagination of people across the country just desperate to not sit on the same damn couch watching Selling Sunset for the zillionth night in a row.
“We all remember seeing the poster of him in the bubble hugging the hot lady and thinking ‘haha, wow, wonder how those two are gonna have sex?’” explained Sofia Fischer, who has found new fame online with her YouTube video titled DIY: How to Cut Sex Holes in your Bubble Boy Halloween Costume. “But now, we’re like, ‘haha, wow, it must be nice to see another person in the real world from the comfort of that bubble. With a few strategic holes, how hard could the sex be?’”
But Bubble Boy isn’t just for lonely grown ups. A PG version of the costume is available in youth sizes, and parents are loving it.
“Oh, my six-year-old’s going as Bubble Boy,” said neighboUrhood dad Tad Stanley. “His little bubble arms won’t be able to get the candy out of the bucket, and he’s gonna roll down a few stairs, but I’ll be damned if I have to sit with him for another night in this house.”
If you’re looking to get out this Halloween and Bubble Boy isn’t your thing, your local Halloween store is stocking up on other protective costumes as well. Other popular looks include astronaut, slender man, and human-sized hamster ball costumes.


thebeaverton--2020-10-28--Ford: “When I blamed young people for spreading COVID, I didn’t mean my MPPs”

TORONTO – In response to photos of Ontario ’ s youngest MPP , Sam Oosterhoff , posing indoors in a tightly gathered group of roughly 40 unmasked people , premier Doug Ford explained that although he does blame the irresponsible behaviour of the province ’ s young people for the recent spike in COVID infections , the behaviour of this specific young person who works for him was actually very responsible .
“ Folks , let me be clear : young people in this province need to stop going hog wild if we are ever going to get COVID under @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Assistant to the Minister of Education , in which case I ’ m sure whatever they ’ re doing is fine , ” Ford explained in a recent press conference .
“ I see no reason to say anything negative about an MPP when I can just stick to saying negative things about my constituents instead , ” he added .
Ford addressed the province ’ s young people directly , telling them “ I get it , you ’ re cooped up and you want to get together with all your friends @ @ @ @ @ @ @ right way to do that : get elected as an MPP , then use your political power to sway businesses that are just trying to survive into letting you do whatever you want.
” Oosterhoff defended his actions , explaining that although indoor gatherings are limited to no more than 10 people at private residences , “ this is different , because we were at a banquet hall and the virus can ’ t travel from person to person if you ’ re spending money.
” The MPP went on to state that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about viral transmission , since I ’ ve been helping to make sure schools are so safe right now !
” Staff at the banquet hall in question have come forward to say that Oosterhoff ’ s party did not follow posted rules about mask wearing and distancing even after repeated reminders , however premier Ford disagreed with this accusation : “ The staff at that hall just didn ’ t understand the rules , so let me explain them again : don ’ t have Thanksgiving dinner and don ’ t celebrate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but also don ’ t worry about how many students are in one classroom or how many people one of my MPPs gathers together in one place because those things are different .
It ’ s really simple !
”

TORONTO – In response to photos of Ontario’s youngest MPP, Sam Oosterhoff, posing indoors in a tightly gathered group of roughly 40 unmasked people, premier Doug Ford explained that although he does blame the irresponsible behaviour of the province’s young people for the recent spike in COVID infections, the behaviour of this specific young person who works for him was actually very responsible.
“Folks, let me be clear: young people in this province need to stop going hog wild if we are ever going to get COVID under control, unless they are the Parliamentary Assistant to the Minister of Education, in which case I’m sure whatever they’re doing is fine,” Ford explained in a recent press conference. “I see no reason to say anything negative about an MPP when I can just stick to saying negative things about my constituents instead,” he added.
Ford addressed the province’s young people directly, telling them “I get it, you’re cooped up and you want to get together with all your friends, but there really is only one right way to do that: get elected as an MPP, then use your political power to sway businesses that are just trying to survive into letting you do whatever you want.”
Oosterhoff defended his actions, explaining that although indoor gatherings are limited to no more than 10 people at private residences, “this is different, because we were at a banquet hall and the virus can’t travel from person to person if you’re spending money.” The MPP went on to state that “I know a thing or two about viral transmission, since I’ve been helping to make sure schools are so safe right now!”
Staff at the banquet hall in question have come forward to say that Oosterhoff’s party did not follow posted rules about mask wearing and distancing even after repeated reminders, however premier Ford disagreed with this accusation: “The staff at that hall just didn’t understand the rules, so let me explain them again: don’t have Thanksgiving dinner and don’t celebrate Halloween, because those things are dangerous, but also don’t worry about how many students are in one classroom or how many people one of my MPPs gathers together in one place because those things are different. It’s really simple!”


thebeaverton--2020-10-28--Senator Lynn Beyak: I didn’t know donating to Trump was illegal, I thought it was just racist

OTTAWA – Senator Lynn Beyak is in trouble once again , but she wants to assure the Canadian public who pay her $ 157,600 yearly salary that breaking American election law was never her intention , it was simply a side effect of her effort to support international bigotry .
“ I thought I was merely donating to a man who shares my belief that there are good aspects to every genocide , I had no idea what I was doing was against any law , ” said Beyak , a senator whose job is literally to write and evaluate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know that in donating money to a U.S. presidential candidate while lying about my home address and occupation , I was breaking U.S. election law .
I just assumed what I did was legal .
I mean , both Trump and I are white , and everything white people do is legal , right ?
” Beyak has been at the center of several racism controversies and has been suspended from the Senate twice , once for posting racist letters about Indigenous peoples on her website , and once for failing to complete @ @ @ @ @ @ @ yet been permanently removed from the Senate because her fellow senators are loath to set the precedent of actually doing their jobs .
“ I saw Trump putting brown children in cages and I thought , this is my kind of leader , ” Beyak explained .
“ But I know now that I should keep my political donations domestic , and that ’ s why from now on I will stick to continuing to donate large sums of money to racist Canadian parties like the People ’ s Party of Canada.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who appointed Lynn Beyak to the Senate , was unable to be reached for comment other than to express a preference that his name , Stephen Harper , not be continually mentioned every time Lynn Beyak , the senator appointed by Stephen Harper , does something horrible , racist , or illegal , because he does not want their names , Lynn Beyak and Stephen Harper , intrinsically linked forever .

OTTAWA – Senator Lynn Beyak is in trouble once again, but she wants to assure the Canadian public who pay her $157,600 yearly salary that breaking American election law was never her intention, it was simply a side effect of her effort to support international bigotry.
“I thought I was merely donating to a man who shares my belief that there are good aspects to every genocide, I had no idea what I was doing was against any law,” said Beyak, a senator whose job is literally to write and evaluate laws.
“I didn’t know that in donating money to a U.S. presidential candidate while lying about my home address and occupation, I was breaking U.S. election law. I just assumed what I did was legal. I mean, both Trump and I are white, and everything white people do is legal, right?”
Beyak has been at the center of several racism controversies and has been suspended from the Senate twice, once for posting racist letters about Indigenous peoples on her website, and once for failing to complete mandatory anti-racism training. She has not yet been permanently removed from the Senate because her fellow senators are loath to set the precedent of actually doing their jobs.
“I saw Trump putting brown children in cages and I thought, this is my kind of leader,” Beyak explained. “But I know now that I should keep my political donations domestic, and that’s why from now on I will stick to continuing to donate large sums of money to racist Canadian parties like the People’s Party of Canada.”
Stephen Harper, the former prime minister who appointed Lynn Beyak to the Senate, was unable to be reached for comment other than to express a preference that his name, Stephen Harper, not be continually mentioned every time Lynn Beyak, the senator appointed by Stephen Harper, does something horrible, racist, or illegal, because he does not want their names, Lynn Beyak and Stephen Harper, intrinsically linked forever.


thebeaverton--2020-10-28--Adorable? This cow and dog are best friends but the cow keeps feeding the dog QAnon propaganda

Times are tough !
There ’ s no denying that .
To begin to list through everything that ’ s been causing us stress this year would be redundant , we get it .
But we wanted to show you that there is still some good in the world !
Meet Pepper and Vernon , Pepper is an Australian blue heeler , and Vernon is a brown cow .
What may seem like an impossible combination is actually the opposite !
Pepper and Vernon are the best of friends !
Adorable !
Well… maybe ?
Vernon really seems to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re being completely honest , that doesn ’ t seem too cute .
Pepper was adopted by the Trepanier family on their farm in rural British Columbia .
When the family brought her home , she didn ’ t get along too well with Vernon at first , and we don ’ t want to be judgy , but it may have been because Vernon spent most of his time browsing 4chan and praising the alt-right .
But after spending some time together on the farm , running through the fields , drinking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with an obscene amount of slurs in their bios , the two grew closer than can be !
Well… most of that sounds cute , right ?
Right ?
Ummm… maybe this is a metaphor in how two sides of the aisle can come together… yeah .
Okay yeah that makes sense .
These two are different species !
No barrier can keep these two from cuddling up together after a long day while Vernon spends hours accusing Barack Obama of being a satanist drinking the blood of children and begging Donald Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s not about that , but at least Pepper is just being polite right ?
The dog doesn ’ t seem to be actively participating in it .
Maybe she genuinely cares about Vernon .
Yeah okay , fine that ’ s a good angle- Fucking hell , now Pepper ’ s accusing Justin Trudeau of being George Soros ’ puppet and denying the Holocaust .
Well thankfully Vernon the cow is expected at the slaughterhouse tomorrow , happy ending after all !

Times are tough! There’s no denying that. To begin to list through everything that’s been causing us stress this year would be redundant, we get it. But we wanted to show you that there is still some good in the world!
…kinda.
Meet Pepper and Vernon, Pepper is an Australian blue heeler, and Vernon is a brown cow. What may seem like an impossible combination is actually the opposite! Pepper and Vernon are the best of friends! Adorable! Well… maybe? Vernon really seems to be into QAnon, and if we’re being completely honest, that doesn’t seem too cute.
Pepper was adopted by the Trepanier family on their farm in rural British Columbia. When the family brought her home, she didn’t get along too well with Vernon at first, and we don’t want to be judgy, but it may have been because Vernon spent most of his time browsing 4chan and praising the alt-right.
But after spending some time together on the farm, running through the fields, drinking water and reading through countless Twitter profiles with an obscene amount of slurs in their bios, the two grew closer than can be!
Well… most of that sounds cute, right? Right?
Ummm… maybe this is a metaphor in how two sides of the aisle can come together… yeah. Okay yeah that makes sense. These two are different species! No barrier can keep these two from cuddling up together after a long day while Vernon spends hours accusing Barack Obama of being a satanist drinking the blood of children and begging Donald Trump to save them-
Jesus fucking Christ.
Okay so maybe it’s not about that, but at least Pepper is just being polite right? The dog doesn’t seem to be actively participating in it. Maybe she genuinely cares about Vernon. Yeah okay, fine that’s a good angle-
Fucking hell, now Pepper’s accusing Justin Trudeau of being George Soros’ puppet and denying the Holocaust.
Well thankfully Vernon the cow is expected at the slaughterhouse tomorrow, happy ending after all!


thebeaverton--2020-10-28--Travel Alberta ad invites tourists to marvel at crumbling public health care system

CALGARY – A new set of ads released by Alberta ’ s tourism agency is wooing tourists to visit the province ’ s decaying public health care system .
Striking support workers , exhausted nurses , and a Health Minister who can be heard yelling at doctors are just some of the sites and sounds of Canada ’ s Wild West .
Jason Kenney ’ s UCP government has already received a UNESCO World Heritage designation for being “ uniquely stupid ” to make cuts during a global pandemic .
“ Come see a government that allows viruses to run @ @ @ @ @ @ @ declared the one-minute promotional advertising showcasing a wild herd of disease-carrying hosts .
“ Marvel at the cloudy peaks of our epi curves that seem to be getting higher and higher .
There ’ s no place like it !
” Nature enthusiasts may catch a glimpse of a rare species like a doctor who isn ’ t planning on moving out of province .
“ You better come soon though , ” warns the ad , “ before universal basic health care disappears like a glacier at Banff National Park .
”

CALGARY – A new set of ads released by Alberta’s tourism agency is wooing tourists to visit the province’s decaying public health care system.
Striking support workers, exhausted nurses, and a Health Minister who can be heard yelling at doctors are just some of the sites and sounds of Canada’s Wild West.
Jason Kenney’s UCP government has already received a UNESCO World Heritage designation for being “uniquely stupid” to make cuts during a global pandemic.
“Come see a government that allows viruses to run freely in its natural state,” declared the one-minute promotional advertising showcasing a wild herd of disease-carrying hosts. “Marvel at the cloudy peaks of our epi curves that seem to be getting higher and higher. There’s no place like it!”
Nature enthusiasts may catch a glimpse of a rare species like a doctor who isn’t planning on moving out of province.
“You better come soon though,” warns the ad, “before universal basic health care disappears like a glacier at Banff National Park.”


thebeaverton--2020-10-28--Baby’s first word is “CRA is experiencing longer than normal call volume…”

MONCTON – Local baby , Margaret O ’ Connor-Williams , has reportedly uttered “ CRA is experiencing longer than normal call volume ” as her first word due to her parents having been on hold with the CRA for the majority of her existence .
“ We are thrilled , ” exclaimed new parents Tenika Williams and Jan O ’ Connor via Zoom , with the CRA hold music playing in the background .
“ My wife and I had a running bet that her first word would be “ mama ” or “ ball !
” So , you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out a whole coherent sentence !
Now it ’ s ‘ CRA is experiencing longer than normal call volume ’ this and ‘ CRA is experiencing longer than normal call volume ’ that !
She won ’ t stop saying it !
” In a report released by pediatrician Dr. Felicia Badeaux , most babies begin to talk around 12 months , which according to Williams , was around the time she finally got through to someone to discuss her COVID benefits .
“ I ’ ve been on hold since March ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ first birthday was last Friday , so that ’ s about seven months of being on hold and we all know babies are like sponges.
” According to O ’ Connor , Margaret has started to say “ we may not be able to get to you today , so if that happens , please call back tomorrow during office hours ” for when she wants a bottle and then “ Fuck !
The call just dropped !
” followed by the busy tone whenever she wants to play .
However , before @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with “ these words may be recorded or monitored for quality assurance purposes.
” “ We ’ re so proud of her !
” added Williams , holding Margaret up to the camera after signalling to her parents to pick her up by stating ‘ pour le service en français , appuyez sur le 2 ’ “ She ’ s bilingual already !
” “ And she ’ s starting to walk , too !
” explained O ’ Conner .
“ It ’ s been a long road but we finally have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ When asked what the system was , O ’ Connor revealed that she has Maragaret fill out bi-weekly reports on her progress to ensure she ’ s still eligible to continue to receive benefits , like smarties , whenever she does take a few steps .

MONCTON – Local baby, Margaret O’Connor-Williams, has reportedly uttered “CRA is experiencing longer than normal call volume” as her first word due to her parents having been on hold with the CRA for the majority of her existence.
“We are thrilled,” exclaimed new parents Tenika Williams and Jan O’Connor via Zoom, with the CRA hold music playing in the background. “My wife and I had a running bet that her first word would be “mama” or “ball!” So, you can imagine our surprise when Margaret blurted out a whole coherent sentence! Now it’s ‘CRA is experiencing longer than normal call volume’ this and ‘CRA is experiencing longer than normal call volume’ that! She won’t stop saying it!”
In a report released by pediatrician Dr. Felicia Badeaux, most babies begin to talk around 12 months, which according to Williams, was around the time she finally got through to someone to discuss her COVID benefits.
“I’ve been on hold since March” said Williams. “Margaret’s first birthday was last Friday, so that’s about seven months of being on hold and we all know babies are like sponges.”
According to O’Connor, Margaret has started to say “we may not be able to get to you today, so if that happens, please call back tomorrow during office hours” for when she wants a bottle and then “Fuck! The call just dropped!” followed by the busy tone whenever she wants to play. However, before she starts speaking, she always prefaces with “these words may be recorded or monitored for quality assurance purposes.”
“We’re so proud of her!” added Williams, holding Margaret up to the camera after signalling to her parents to pick her up by stating ‘pour le service en français, appuyez sur le 2’ “She’s bilingual already!”
“And she’s starting to walk, too!” explained O’Conner. “It’s been a long road but we finally have a system that seems to work.” When asked what the system was, O’Connor revealed that she has Maragaret fill out bi-weekly reports on her progress to ensure she’s still eligible to continue to receive benefits, like smarties, whenever she does take a few steps.


thebeaverton--2020-10-28--Premier Ford grants university status to “The End is Nigh” sign guy

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has granted university status to a local rambling proselytizer known for his public outspokenness @ @ @ @ @ Sinners or Burn in Hell will open next Fall after Ontario ’ s Postsecondary Education @ @ @ @ @ the preacher was a close friend of the Premier .
Dr. Rev .
R. R. @ @ @ @ @ Dean and sole professor of the new street university , will offer Bachelor of Sciences @ @ @ @ @ in disturbing the peace .
Ford attended the ribbon cutting ceremony at Dundas Square , @ @ @ @ @ speeches about going to hell for being gay or an unmarried woman .
“ Folks @ @ @ @ @ prepare students for the afterlife , ” announced Ford from a megaphone in the middle @ @ @ @ @ “ Dr .
Saviour is providing a free science education about the world ending and @ @ @ @ @ with climate change .
Plus he knows when the world will end , but he @ @ @ @ @ At press time , Ford demanded other universities create safe spaces for homophobes .

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has granted university status to a local rambling proselytizer known for his public outspokenness.
The University of Repent Sinners or Burn in Hell will open next Fall after Ontario’s Postsecondary Education Quality Assessment Board verified that the preacher was a close friend of the Premier.
Dr. Rev. R. R. Saviour III, now the Dean and sole professor of the new street university, will offer Bachelor of Sciences in Damnation Studies and minors in disturbing the peace.
Ford attended the ribbon cutting ceremony at Dundas Square, which was followed by fiery speeches about going to hell for being gay or an unmarried woman.
“Folks, this university will adequately prepare students for the afterlife,” announced Ford from a megaphone in the middle of the scramble crosswalk. “Dr. Saviour is providing a free science education about the world ending and it has nothing to do with climate change. Plus he knows when the world will end, but he keeps changing the date.”
At press time, Ford demanded other universities create safe spaces for homophobes.


thebeaverton--2020-10-29--Mental health experts recommend eating a block of Parmesan over the sink and lying about it

In these difficult times , many are struggling to maintain good mental health in the face of social isolation and economic uncertainty .
Health experts warn that it ’ s important to make time and space for self care , especially the act of eating an entire block of Parmesan cheese over the kitchen sink and unequivocally lying about it afterwards .
“ Sure , there are plenty of things people get told to do in order to deal with stress .
Exercise , meditation , and sleep are all great , but they can only go so far , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mental health expert .
“ But the most effective thing you can do is get the hardest , saltiest cheese you can and gulp it all down as fast as possible , preferably while your spouse or roommate is in the shower.
” Experts explain that rapidly consuming parmesan hunks in secret dramatically increases endorphins needed to fight stress and stay positive .
“ The less you taste it the better !
” Since emotional stress can lead to spirals , it ’ s helpful to focus your mind by establishing a mental @ @ @ @ @ @ @ For example , as you breathlessly scarf down bite after grainy bite , mentally toggle between affirmations such as “ holy shit , this is probably like 1300 calories , what is wrong with you you disgusting jerk ” and “ fuck it , this is the last time you ’ ll ever be happy , keep eating ” .
“ If you run into trouble , just keep repeating the phrase ‘ one more bite and then I ’ m done ’ over and over and you ’ ll be gnawing on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ date stamped on it in no time , ” Dr. Wing says .
Although it ’ s best to eat the cheese over the sink , it can also be eaten over the garbage , a potted plant , or even toilet .
“ As long you can find a place no person with any regard for themselves , other people , or cheese would eat cheese , the exercise should work , ” Dr. Wing says .
Furthermore , the cheese does not need to be fancy or expensive .
“ Feel @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have on hand .
If you tilt your head back over the sink , you can probably shake in at least a half a jar of that powdered parmesan stuff from Kraft before someone catches you.
” This point brings up another key step : to ensure no one knows that you ate the entire 350 grams of Parmesan over the sink .
“ In order to get the full benefits of this practice , it really is necessary to betray the trust of people close to you who may want to help @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says “ honey , are you okay , you look a little green ” or “ honey , I noticed that entire $ 12 Parmesan you specifically said you couldn ’ t wait to grate over salads throughout the week is totally gone ” or “ I think you ate all the Parmesan , is everything okay ?
” Do .
Not .
Crack .
“ Make sure to deflect your co-habitant ’ s concern with a lie that is both convincing and definitive , ” says Dr. Ashley Frim .
“ For @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in a recipe you ’ ve already made .
You can also say a cat or dog ate it , or , if you ’ re feeling extra wily , tell them you threw it out because ‘ you knew you would just eat it all if you kept it in the house ’ .
” While speed-eating Parmesan is useful , this technique is not enough for everyone .
Fortunately , there are other steps you can take to boost your mental health .
For example , try waking up in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the social media feeds of celebrities who live in a different time zone .
Buy a bunch of succulents and helplessly watch all of them die .
Take a little time every day to contemplate a friendship that fell apart .
Masturbate with something you ’ re not supposed to masturbate with .
Before you know it , you ’ ll be as happy , centered and present as you were that time you threw out all the booze in the house before realizing you forgot that weird blueberry liqueur , then drank @ @ @ @

In these difficult times, many are struggling to maintain good mental health in the face of social isolation and economic uncertainty. Health experts warn that it’s important to make time and space for self care, especially the act of eating an entire block of Parmesan cheese over the kitchen sink and unequivocally lying about it afterwards.
“Sure, there are plenty of things people get told to do in order to deal with stress. Exercise, meditation, and sleep are all great, but they can only go so far,” said Dr. Thom Wing, a mental health expert. “But the most effective thing you can do is get the hardest, saltiest cheese you can and gulp it all down as fast as possible, preferably while your spouse or roommate is in the shower.”
Experts explain that rapidly consuming parmesan hunks in secret dramatically increases endorphins needed to fight stress and stay positive. “The less you taste it the better!”
Since emotional stress can lead to spirals, it’s helpful to focus your mind by establishing a mental balance between calming and motivating thoughts. For example, as you breathlessly scarf down bite after grainy bite, mentally toggle between affirmations such as “holy shit, this is probably like 1300 calories, what is wrong with you you disgusting jerk” and “fuck it, this is the last time you’ll ever be happy, keep eating”.
“If you run into trouble, just keep repeating the phrase ‘one more bite and then I’m done’ over and over and you’ll be gnawing on that weird wax rind part with the date stamped on it in no time,” Dr. Wing says.
Although it’s best to eat the cheese over the sink, it can also be eaten over the garbage, a potted plant, or even toilet. “As long you can find a place no person with any regard for themselves, other people, or cheese would eat cheese, the exercise should work,” Dr. Wing says. Furthermore, the cheese does not need to be fancy or expensive.
“Feel free to get creative with what you have on hand. If you tilt your head back over the sink, you can probably shake in at least a half a jar of that powdered parmesan stuff from Kraft before someone catches you.”
This point brings up another key step: to ensure no one knows that you ate the entire 350 grams of Parmesan over the sink.
“In order to get the full benefits of this practice, it really is necessary to betray the trust of people close to you who may want to help. So when your Mister or Missus says “honey, are you okay, you look a little green” or “honey, I noticed that entire $12 Parmesan you specifically said you couldn’t wait to grate over salads throughout the week is totally gone” or “I think you ate all the Parmesan, is everything okay?” Do. Not. Crack.
“Make sure to deflect your co-habitant’s concern with a lie that is both convincing and definitive,” says Dr. Ashley Frim. “For example, just say you put it in a recipe you’ve already made. You can also say a cat or dog ate it, or, if you’re feeling extra wily, tell them you threw it out because ‘you knew you would just eat it all if you kept it in the house’.”
“That one’s my favourite,” Dr. Frim added.
While speed-eating Parmesan is useful, this technique is not enough for everyone. Fortunately, there are other steps you can take to boost your mental health. For example, try waking up in the middle of the night to scroll through the social media feeds of celebrities who live in a different time zone. Buy a bunch of succulents and helplessly watch all of them die. Take a little time every day to contemplate a friendship that fell apart. Masturbate with something you’re not supposed to masturbate with. Before you know it, you’ll be as happy, centered and present as you were that time you threw out all the booze in the house before realizing you forgot that weird blueberry liqueur, then drank all of it.


thebeaverton--2020-10-29--American man not patriotic enough to vote in upcoming election

OTTAWA – US citizen Andrew Scheer has disappointed his fellow countrymen by refusing to participate in the upcoming US election @ @ @ @ @ ’ s lack of care for the future of his homeland has attracted the ire @ @ @ @ @ Americans .
“ Oh , an American of convenience , ” said Arizona resident Cathy @ @ @ @ @ ll happily carry a passport , but when it comes to his basic duty of @ @ @ @ @ ’ s nowhere to be found.
” Many of his compatriots attacked Scheer and questioned @ @ @ @ @ citizenship with another country other than the United States .
Scheer said he was planning @ @ @ @ @ , but will keep it since he won ’ t be elected President .

OTTAWA – US citizen Andrew Scheer has disappointed his fellow countrymen by refusing to participate in the upcoming US election, sources confirm.
Scheer’s lack of care for the future of his homeland has attracted the ire of many of his fellow Americans.
“Oh, an American of convenience,” said Arizona resident Cathy Hernandez. “He’ll happily carry a passport, but when it comes to his basic duty of participating in democracy, he’s nowhere to be found.”
Many of his compatriots attacked Scheer and questioned his loyalty because he holds citizenship with another country other than the United States.
Scheer said he was planning on renouncing his Canadian citizenship, but will keep it since he won’t be elected President.


thebeaverton--2020-10-30--Local man who always cobbles together Halloween costume last minute grateful he only has to do top h

Local man who always cobbles together Halloween costume last minute grateful he only has to do top half this year

EDMONTON — As Halloween draws near , local masters student Paul McBride is grateful that , unlike previous years , COVID-19 restrictions mean he only has to furiously cobble together the top half of a last minute costume .
“ My friends are throwing a Zoom party for Halloween , so that takes a lot of the pressure off , ” said McBride , who has spent absolutely no time preparing for the event that is only one day away .
“ Waist-up only this year !
” Rather than the usual panicked scramble to construct a full suit of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ some kind of cardboard box robot , McBride is certain he ’ ll be able to calmly put together just the top half of an outfit : “ I ’ m thinking maybe I ’ ll go as a merman , or Professor X , or even Oscar the Grouch !
” McBride is still trying to decide despite promising his friends he ’ d plan ahead after last year ’ s party , which has since been dubbed “ The Edward Scissorhands Disaster ” .
His other current ideas include Winnie the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and Bob Ross naked below the waist .
Several of McBride ’ s friends are also grateful for the change : “ Last year he wore a red onesie to go in character as Deadpool , ” said Kristine Silva , a work colleague .
“ But none of us knew who he was supposed to be so we just thought he was being super-mean ” .
With the party nearing , and after deciding against being MC Hammer , McBride may once again have to whip something up quick .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and go as Magic Mike ?
Or , I don ’ t know , a centaur or something ?
” At press time , McBride had fully run out of time and hastily tossed on a suit jacket and tie to go as James Bond , a persona that instantly fell apart when he stood up to grab another drink , revealing his collared shirt to be tucked into unlaundered sweatpants .

EDMONTON — As Halloween draws near, local masters student Paul McBride is grateful that, unlike previous years, COVID-19 restrictions mean he only has to furiously cobble together the top half of a last minute costume.
“My friends are throwing a Zoom party for Halloween, so that takes a lot of the pressure off,” said McBride, who has spent absolutely no time preparing for the event that is only one day away. “Waist-up only this year!”
Rather than the usual panicked scramble to construct a full suit of armour from disposable foil pans, or some kind of cardboard box robot, McBride is certain he’ll be able to calmly put together just the top half of an outfit: “I’m thinking maybe I’ll go as a merman, or Professor X, or even Oscar the Grouch!”
McBride is still trying to decide despite promising his friends he’d plan ahead after last year’s party, which has since been dubbed “The Edward Scissorhands Disaster”. His other current ideas include Winnie the Pooh, half of Joe Exotic, and Bob Ross naked below the waist.
Several of McBride’s friends are also grateful for the change: “Last year he wore a red onesie to go in character as Deadpool,” said Kristine Silva, a work colleague. “But none of us knew who he was supposed to be so we just thought he was being super-mean”.
With the party nearing, and after deciding against being MC Hammer, McBride may once again have to whip something up quick. “I guess I could take my shirt off and go as Magic Mike? Or, I don’t know, a centaur or something?”
At press time, McBride had fully run out of time and hastily tossed on a suit jacket and tie to go as James Bond, a persona that instantly fell apart when he stood up to grab another drink, revealing his collared shirt to be tucked into unlaundered sweatpants.


thebeaverton--2020-10-30--Chef Boyardee rebrands to “Depression Chow”

MILTON , PA – The popular meal-adjacent product Chef Boyardee has announced its plan to simply rebrand to “ Depression Chow.
” Marketing director Joshua Alden explained that the change coincides with the start of November to kick-off peak depression season .
“ How better to ring in the start of your seasonal affective disorder than with a piping hot can of something that approximates ravioli ?
” Alden and his team strategized the change to promote better engagement with their target demographic .
“ According to our market research , people buy Chef Boyardee after specific life events such @ @ @ @ @ @ @ unsuccessful job interview , seeing an ex with a new partner , or a rejection of their screenplay.
” “ We wanted to make it as simple as possible for people in that type of foggy head space to select a product that ’ s going to deliver what they need.
” Some convenience store owners say they would like regulations that require the chow to be behind the counter .
One such owner , Denis Picard explained , “ It would be good to require an extra step just to give customers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m ringing up a can of Beefaroni , I want to ask , are you really sure you want to do this ?
” Other changes in the rebrand include a redesign of Chef Boyardee himself to make him appear more haggard and apathetic , the addition of a question mark after the ingredient “ meat ” to better reflect the product ’ s contents , and a new tagline that references the old name : “ Boy-are-you-depressed .
”

MILTON, PA – The popular meal-adjacent product Chef Boyardee has announced its plan to simply rebrand to “Depression Chow.”
Marketing director Joshua Alden explained that the change coincides with the start of November to kick-off peak depression season. “How better to ring in the start of your seasonal affective disorder than with a piping hot can of something that approximates ravioli?”
Alden and his team strategized the change to promote better engagement with their target demographic.
“According to our market research, people buy Chef Boyardee after specific life events such as: a bad date, an unsuccessful job interview, seeing an ex with a new partner, or a rejection of their screenplay.”
“We wanted to make it as simple as possible for people in that type of foggy head space to select a product that’s going to deliver what they need.”
Some convenience store owners say they would like regulations that require the chow to be behind the counter. One such owner, Denis Picard explained, “It would be good to require an extra step just to give customers the chance to reconsider. Sometimes when I’m ringing up a can of Beefaroni, I want to ask, are you really sure you want to do this?”
Other changes in the rebrand include a redesign of Chef Boyardee himself to make him appear more haggard and apathetic, the addition of a question mark after the ingredient “meat” to better reflect the product’s contents, and a new tagline that references the old name: “Boy-are-you-depressed.”


thebeaverton--2020-10-30--Doug Ford vows to find budget cut that will stop COVID

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced on Monday that he will stem the rising number of COVID cases by implementing a strategy that has always worked for his administration in the past ; dramatically reducing funding for the virus .
“ This fat cat virus has been getting a free ride for too long.
” Ford told the press from outside Queen ’ s Park .
“ Once we stop the gravy train , we should see a quick decline in cases of the virus , which I suspect may be living large with financing from the arts sector.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ doing their best to follow the premier ’ s orders while also trying to make progress in COVID case prevention .
“ I mean , there are a few cutbacks we could make that might help stop COVID.
” Said provincial government employee Lisa McFarlane .
“ For instance , we could slash Toronto ’ s city council again .
That might reduce the number of cases happening in that particular room.
” McFarlane also urged Ontarians to not be concerned by the cuts , stating that Ford “ really needs to slash @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” and that the province will most likely use the savings to balance the cuts Ford made to retirement homes right before a global pandemic .
Other strategies Ford is considering reviving are putting poor quality stickers up telling the virus to go away , forcing the Hydro One CEO to retire again , and changing the provincial license plates to read “ A place to grow….except for COVID .
”

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced on Monday that he will stem the rising number of COVID cases by implementing a strategy that has always worked for his administration in the past; dramatically reducing funding for the virus.
“This fat cat virus has been getting a free ride for too long.” Ford told the press from outside Queen’s Park. “Once we stop the gravy train, we should see a quick decline in cases of the virus, which I suspect may be living large with financing from the arts sector.”
Staffers within the provincial government are doing their best to follow the premier’s orders while also trying to make progress in COVID case prevention. “I mean, there are a few cutbacks we could make that might help stop COVID.” Said provincial government employee Lisa McFarlane.
“For instance, we could slash Toronto’s city council again. That might reduce the number of cases happening in that particular room.”
McFarlane also urged Ontarians to not be concerned by the cuts, stating that Ford “really needs to slash a budget to feel like himself again” and that the province will most likely use the savings to balance the cuts Ford made to retirement homes right before a global pandemic.
Other strategies Ford is considering reviving are putting poor quality stickers up telling the virus to go away, forcing the Hydro One CEO to retire again, and changing the provincial license plates to read “A place to grow….except for COVID.”


thebeaverton--2020-10-31--Fans across globe salute Sean Connery’s passing with terrible, terrible impressions

WORLDWIDE — All around the world , fans of Sean Connery are observing his passing with just the absolute worst impressions of the revered film icon .
“ Thish ish indeed a shad day for oll ush Shhean Connery fansh , ” mumbled longtime James Bond fan Elton Smith , of Winnipeg .
The 45-year-old father of three continued , with tears in his eyes , to eulogize his favourite James Bond actor in a voice that sounded almost nothing like the late Scottish actor .
He went on to quote one of Connery ’ s most iconic James Bond @ @ @ @ @ @ @ impression , “ Do you exshpect me to talk… ” before dropping character ( but still maintaining the wildly inaccurate voice ) , and tearfully adding , “ To tell the truth , I don ’ t think any us ush every really exshpected him to die.
” Across continents , the almost-exclusively middle aged and male fans of Connery continued to remember the star with impressions that ranged from “ vaguely Scottish man with a mouthful of mashed potatoes , ” to “ Bane from the Dark Knight Rises misremembering quotes from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who passed peacefully in his sleep , is remembered for many films , including Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade , The Untouchables , The Hunt For Red October , as well as for his distinctive Scottish brogue which not a single fan seems to be able to imitate with any kind of accuracy .
“ Not muny people shaw him in Hitschcosh ’ s Marnie , but it wush a shubtle dramatic performansh , ” said Jeff Sherway , Connery fan and retired grandfather , as he absolutely butchered both Connery ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ While he shertainly had problemahtic viewsh on women , I ’ ll alwaysh remembar him for hish heroic onshcreen exshploitsh.
” “ Sorry , that was ‘ his heroic onscreen exploits ’ , ” added Sherway for the benefit of note-taking .
At presstime fans had moved on from quoting Connery ’ s films to quoting things said by SNL cast member Darryl Hammond while playing Connery in Celebrity Jeopardy sketches .

WORLDWIDE — All around the world, fans of Sean Connery are observing his passing with just the absolute worst impressions of the revered film icon.
“Thish ish indeed a shad day for oll ush Shhean Connery fansh,” mumbled longtime James Bond fan Elton Smith, of Winnipeg. The 45-year-old father of three continued, with tears in his eyes, to eulogize his favourite James Bond actor in a voice that sounded almost nothing like the late Scottish actor.
He went on to quote one of Connery’s most iconic James Bond scenes, still with the most brutal impression, “Do you exshpect me to talk…” before dropping character (but still maintaining the wildly inaccurate voice), and tearfully adding, “To tell the truth, I don’t think any us ush every really exshpected him to die.”
Across continents, the almost-exclusively middle aged and male fans of Connery continued to remember the star with impressions that ranged from “vaguely Scottish man with a mouthful of mashed potatoes,” to “Bane from the Dark Knight Rises misremembering quotes from Thunderball”.
The 90-year-old actor, who passed peacefully in his sleep, is remembered for many films, including Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade, The Untouchables, The Hunt For Red October, as well as for his distinctive Scottish brogue which not a single fan seems to be able to imitate with any kind of accuracy.
“Not muny people shaw him in Hitschcosh’s Marnie, but it wush a shubtle dramatic performansh,” said Jeff Sherway, Connery fan and retired grandfather, as he absolutely butchered both Connery’s vocal patterns and mannerisms. “While he shertainly had problemahtic viewsh on women, I’ll alwaysh remembar him for hish heroic onshcreen exshploitsh.”
“Sorry, that was ‘his heroic onscreen exploits’,” added Sherway for the benefit of note-taking.
At presstime fans had moved on from quoting Connery’s films to quoting things said by SNL cast member Darryl Hammond while playing Connery in Celebrity Jeopardy sketches.


thebeaverton--2020-10-31--Manitoba government responds to packed ICUs with 100 new #RestartMB ads

WINNIPEG – Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister is swiftly responding to the surge of COVID-19 cases in the province with 100 new , state-of-the-art billboards and radio advertisements encouraging citizens to restart the economy .
“ We declared victory over COVID-19 in August , but some people have not been getting the message , ” said Pallister at an emergency press conference .
“ These patients appear to be highly resistant to communications campaigns without any public health messaging so we ’ re focusing on the intubated right now.
” The large , optimistic signs will be placed in crowded hospital @ @ @ @ @ @ @ care wards in hopes that Manitoba will focus more on re-opening and investing pending their survival .
“ We only saw this coming nearly a year ago , but we have an adequate stockpile of B-list actors ready to create commercials about tax breaks for small businesses and the economic recovery , ” added Pallister .
“ In fact , many of these actors are former health care professionals who can ’ t find work in Manitoba.
” There are growing concerns among the PC caucus that the government ’ s incredibly cheap @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but Pallister is confident he can blame enough people before hiring a single public health nurse .
“ It ’ s your fault for electing me , ” added Pallister shaming citizens for his half-assed pandemic response .

WINNIPEG – Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister is swiftly responding to the surge of COVID-19 cases in the province with 100 new, state-of-the-art billboards and radio advertisements encouraging citizens to restart the economy.
“We declared victory over COVID-19 in August, but some people have not been getting the message,” said Pallister at an emergency press conference. “These patients appear to be highly resistant to communications campaigns without any public health messaging so we’re focusing on the intubated right now.”
The large, optimistic signs will be placed in crowded hospital rooms, nursing homes, and intensive care wards in hopes that Manitoba will focus more on re-opening and investing pending their survival.
“We only saw this coming nearly a year ago, but we have an adequate stockpile of B-list actors ready to create commercials about tax breaks for small businesses and the economic recovery,” added Pallister. “In fact, many of these actors are former health care professionals who can’t find work in Manitoba.”
There are growing concerns among the PC caucus that the government’s incredibly cheap response to coronavirus is becoming expensive, but Pallister is confident he can blame enough people before hiring a single public health nurse.
“It’s your fault for electing me,” added Pallister shaming citizens for his half-assed pandemic response.