thebeaverton--2020-12-16--Local Buddhist parents frustrated as child desires nothing for Christmas

NORTH DELTA – Local parents Leonard Durry and Evan Takada , practising Buddhists and parents of Avyda Durry-Takada , age 8 , have been stymied by their daughter ’ s total lack of interest in receiving gifts for Christmas .
“ I grew up with presents under the tree , ” said Durry .
“ It ’ s not a religious thing for us , obviously , but it is a nice tradition to wake up to and be excited in the morning .
To see Avyda practising the Eightfold Path warms our heart , but it would be nice @ @ @ @ @ @ @ things for her .
We ’ ve asked Avyda if she wants to make a list or if she just wants one bigger thing like the new PlayStation , but no , she says she ’ s fine.
” While most kids excitedly anticipate waking up and racing to see what Santa brought , young Avyda seems entirely uninterested in Christmas gifts .
“ On Christmas , ” says Durry-Takada .
“ My daddies are going to make the dinosaur choc chip pancakes for breakfast and they said we could go skating if @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t wait !
I ’ ll give them lots of hugs !
” “ We ’ ve taught Avyda some basic Buddhist lessons , ” said Takada .
“ Especially about Samudaya and how desire for material possessions can be bad and it seems like she ’ s really taken them to heart .
Which is great , of course , but sometimes we , as parents , can show love through gift-giving , especially when the next-gen consoles have just come out.
” According to her parents , Avyda refuses to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going for family walks , playing with her friends in the neighbourhood park and spending time online chatting with her grandparents in Victoria and showing them her drawings .
“ I guess I should be proud of Avyada .
She seems to have learned the lessons we ’ ve tried to impart upon her , ” said Durry .
“ But at the same time , she ’ s still a kid , right ?
Surely she wants something like a bike or maybe even a PS5 ?
”

NORTH DELTA – Local parents Leonard Durry and Evan Takada, practising Buddhists and parents of Avyda Durry-Takada, age 8, have been stymied by their daughter’s total lack of interest in receiving gifts for Christmas.
“I grew up with presents under the tree,” said Durry. “It’s not a religious thing for us, obviously, but it is a nice tradition to wake up to and be excited in the morning. To see Avyda practising the Eightfold Path warms our heart, but it would be nice if we could just get a couple things for her. We’ve asked Avyda if she wants to make a list or if she just wants one bigger thing like the new PlayStation, but no, she says she’s fine.”
While most kids excitedly anticipate waking up and racing to see what Santa brought, young Avyda seems entirely uninterested in Christmas gifts. “On Christmas,” says Durry-Takada. “My daddies are going to make the dinosaur choc chip pancakes for breakfast and they said we could go skating if the weather is nice. I can’t wait! I’ll give them lots of hugs!”
“We’ve taught Avyda some basic Buddhist lessons,” said Takada. “Especially about Samudaya and how desire for material possessions can be bad and it seems like she’s really taken them to heart. Which is great, of course, but sometimes we, as parents, can show love through gift-giving, especially when the next-gen consoles have just come out.”
According to her parents, Avyda refuses to go into toy stores and insists on going for family walks, playing with her friends in the neighbourhood park and spending time online chatting with her grandparents in Victoria and showing them her drawings.
“I guess I should be proud of Avyada. She seems to have learned the lessons we’ve tried to impart upon her,” said Durry. “But at the same time, she’s still a kid, right? Surely she wants something like a bike or maybe even a PS5?”


thebeaverton--2020-12-16--Erin O’Toole accomplishes seemingly impossible task of being less likeable than Andrew Scheer

OTTAWA – In the wake of defending Canada ’ s barbaric residential school system while giving a talk to Ryerson Conservative students about how best to own the libs , Conservative leader Erin O ’ Toole has somehow managed to surpass his predecessor Andrew Scheer in the all important unlikeability category .
“ If you ’ d asked me a few months ago if anyone could ever annoy me more than a passive aggressive American faux insurance salesman , I would have said no way , ” said Parliamentary statistician Aemon Bach .
“ But clearly these records are just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out the key is : keep all of Andrew Scheer ’ s terrible policies , but be way shoutier about it.
” O ’ Toole was expected to break with Scheer ’ s strategy of ‘ horrify so many moderate voters they opt for the brownface guy ’ in favour of the Harper ‘ be creepy , but not quite I own a windowless van creepy ’ approach .
Instead he has pioneered his own method of campaigning , which journalists have dubbed the ‘ what if every right wing twitter hashtag was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Canadian man ’ tactic .
“ It ’ s not just that he outclassed Scheer .
It ’ s the speed with which he did it .
If he keeps up this pace , by mid 2021 he might beat the all time record holder in unlikeable Canadian politicians – Michael Ignatieff.
” For his part O ’ Toole insisted that once voters got to know him , they would find him to be an acceptable level of unacceptable , just like so many politicians before him .
At press time O ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fire Lynn Beyak as his speech writer .

OTTAWA – In the wake of defending Canada’s barbaric residential school system while giving a talk to Ryerson Conservative students about how best to own the libs, Conservative leader Erin O’Toole has somehow managed to surpass his predecessor Andrew Scheer in the all important unlikeability category.
“If you’d asked me a few months ago if anyone could ever annoy me more than a passive aggressive American faux insurance salesman, I would have said no way,” said Parliamentary statistician Aemon Bach. “But clearly these records are just made to be broken.”
“Turns out the key is: keep all of Andrew Scheer’s terrible policies, but be way shoutier about it.”
O’Toole was expected to break with Scheer’s strategy of ‘horrify so many moderate voters they opt for the brownface guy’ in favour of the Harper ‘be creepy, but not quite I own a windowless van creepy’ approach. Instead he has pioneered his own method of campaigning, which journalists have dubbed the ‘what if every right wing twitter hashtag was personified in the form of a schlubby Canadian man’ tactic.
“It’s not just that he outclassed Scheer. It’s the speed with which he did it. If he keeps up this pace, by mid 2021 he might beat the all time record holder in unlikeable Canadian politicians – Michael Ignatieff.”
For his part O’Toole insisted that once voters got to know him, they would find him to be an acceptable level of unacceptable, just like so many politicians before him.
At press time O’Toole had made the reluctant choice to fire Lynn Beyak as his speech writer.


thebeaverton--2020-12-16--Woman who forgot to do laundry reluctantly puts on clown suit

TORONTO – Ashley Greenfield woke up this morning to discover that after weeks of putting off doing laundry and hand-washing her underwear in the sink , she was officially out of wearable clothing .
Faced with a busy day and no other options , she was forced to pull an old clown suit out of her closet .
“ I have been telling myself to go to the laundromat forever , but I just kept forgetting , ” Greenfield admitted , grimly scanning the suit before giving the red nose a test honk to make sure it still worked .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ running errands today as ‘ Ol ’ Tickles the Funtime Clown.
’ I haven ’ t worn this since my aunt forced me to buy it for my cousin ’ s baptism.
” “ I mean , it ’ s this or go naked , ” she grumbled , pulling on a giant curly rainbow wig .
“ I figure this way people might not recognize me and I can get through my day with only minimum humiliation .
Now if you ’ ll excuse me , I have to paint half my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Tammy Bolton , a mother of three who was taking her children for a walk , explained that while they were initially excited to see a clown , that thrill was quickly tampered by the smell of mothballs wafting from Greenfield ’ s general direction .
“ I don ’ t think she ’ s a professional clown , ” Bolton exclaimed after quickly ushering her children away .
“ We asked her if she could do a fun dance to entertain my kids and she just started half-heartedly twerking.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had any toys to give out she made a balloon animal from a dirty latex glove she found in the gutter before asking me if I had any spare change for the local laundromat .
I don ’ t remember clowns in my day doing things like that.
” After a day of scaring small children and being chased by several dogs , Greenfield stated that she had learned her lesson .
“ I ’ m doing laundry the second I get home , ” she stated emphatically .
“ Unless I forget @ @ @ @ @ @ @ m pretty sure I have a ‘ zombie farmer ’ costume from high school I can still fit into.
” Greenfield was last seen being kicked out of Loblaws after her two foot long blue shoes knocked over a scented candle display accompanied by a humiliating series of comical squeaks .

TORONTO – Ashley Greenfield woke up this morning to discover that after weeks of putting off doing laundry and hand-washing her underwear in the sink, she was officially out of wearable clothing. Faced with a busy day and no other options, she was forced to pull an old clown suit out of her closet.
“I have been telling myself to go to the laundromat forever, but I just kept forgetting,” Greenfield admitted, grimly scanning the suit before giving the red nose a test honk to make sure it still worked. “So I guess I’m running errands today as ‘Ol’ Tickles the Funtime Clown.’ I haven’t worn this since my aunt forced me to buy it for my cousin’s baptism.”
“I mean, it’s this or go naked,” she grumbled, pulling on a giant curly rainbow wig. “I figure this way people might not recognize me and I can get through my day with only minimum humiliation. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to paint half my face orange before going to the LCBO.”
Tammy Bolton, a mother of three who was taking her children for a walk, explained that while they were initially excited to see a clown, that thrill was quickly tampered by the smell of mothballs wafting from Greenfield’s general direction.
“I don’t think she’s a professional clown,” Bolton exclaimed after quickly ushering her children away. “We asked her if she could do a fun dance to entertain my kids and she just started half-heartedly twerking.”
“When my son asked her if she had any toys to give out she made a balloon animal from a dirty latex glove she found in the gutter before asking me if I had any spare change for the local laundromat. I don’t remember clowns in my day doing things like that.”
After a day of scaring small children and being chased by several dogs, Greenfield stated that she had learned her lesson.
“I’m doing laundry the second I get home,” she stated emphatically. “Unless I forget again, in which case I’m pretty sure I have a ‘zombie farmer’ costume from high school I can still fit into.”
Greenfield was last seen being kicked out of Loblaws after her two foot long blue shoes knocked over a scented candle display accompanied by a humiliating series of comical squeaks.


thebeaverton--2020-12-16--Erin O’Toole claims residential schools were just “Hogwarts for Indigenous kids”

OTTAWA – During a Zoom call with students from Ryerson University , Conservative Party of Canada leader Erin O ’ Toole informed young conservatives that they should stop thinking of Canada ’ s residential schools as the site of cultural genocide , and should instead think of them as Hogwarts for Indigenous kids .
“ I mean , when you think about it , residential schools really offered the full Hogwarts experience , ” O ’ Toole said , taking a sip from a mug labelled ‘ Liberal Tears ’ .
“ A bearded white stranger would show up and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in an undisclosed location , away from their parents , where they ’ d be bombarded with British culture all day long .
What could be so bad about that ?
” “ Really , the architects of residential schools always intended them to be a magical place , ” O ’ Toole continued .
“ It ’ s just that the spell they were most interested in was making 70 unique languages disappear.
” O ’ Toole ’ s comments were delivered in an attempt to help Ryerson University student conservatives own @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with facts , logic , historical revisionism , and assurances that they didn ’ t want to be invited to their dumb parties anyway .
“ Admittedly , we ’ d been struggling to deal with the rising tide of wokeness on campus , ” said Brayden Smithwharton , Vice-President Cuck-Wrangler of the Ryerson University Campus Conservatives .
“ When the SJWs on campus started saying that our great founder , Egerton Ryerson , was a racist just because he wanted to wipe Indigenous culture off the map , we struggled to respond.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ to deflect from the issue by accusing Pierre Elliot Trudeau of being the Zodiac Killer , but we think Mr. O ’ Toole ’ s comments about Hogwarts will really leave them speechless.
” At press time , O ’ Toole could not be reached for comment , as he was busy searching for an invisibility cloak that would allow him to discreetly make sweet love to a racist statue .

OTTAWA – During a Zoom call with students from Ryerson University, Conservative Party of Canada leader Erin O’Toole informed young conservatives that they should stop thinking of Canada’s residential schools as the site of cultural genocide, and should instead think of them as Hogwarts for Indigenous kids.
“I mean, when you think about it, residential schools really offered the full Hogwarts experience,” O’Toole said, taking a sip from a mug labelled ‘Liberal Tears’. “A bearded white stranger would show up and take the children off to boarding school in an undisclosed location, away from their parents, where they’d be bombarded with British culture all day long. What could be so bad about that?”
“Really, the architects of residential schools always intended them to be a magical place,” O’Toole continued. “It’s just that the spell they were most interested in was making 70 unique languages disappear.”
O’Toole’s comments were delivered in an attempt to help Ryerson University student conservatives own the libs on campus, destroying them with facts, logic, historical revisionism, and assurances that they didn’t want to be invited to their dumb parties anyway.
“Admittedly, we’d been struggling to deal with the rising tide of wokeness on campus,” said Brayden Smithwharton, Vice-President Cuck-Wrangler of the Ryerson University Campus Conservatives. “When the SJWs on campus started saying that our great founder, Egerton Ryerson, was a racist just because he wanted to wipe Indigenous culture off the map, we struggled to respond.”
“We’d been planning to deflect from the issue by accusing Pierre Elliot Trudeau of being the Zodiac Killer, but we think Mr. O’Toole’s comments about Hogwarts will really leave them speechless.”
At press time, O’Toole could not be reached for comment, as he was busy searching for an invisibility cloak that would allow him to discreetly make sweet love to a racist statue.


thebeaverton--2020-12-17--“This ain’t my first rodeo,” brags man who has never even met a cow

TORONTO – After listening to a coworker explain a simple solution to a tax problem yesterday , accountant Jim Barnes was overheard confidently shooting down the advice and declaring “ Listen , this ain ’ t my first rodeo !
” despite never having ridden , seen , or even met a cow in real life .
“ I practically invented that solution .
Why ?
Because I ’ m the kinda employee who takes the bull by the horns , ” Barnes boasted , shamefully unaware that in a traditional rodeo , touching the bull with your hands would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I can do that kinda stuff ‘ til the cows come home !
” he added , ignoring the fact that he has no idea where cows live .
Barnes ’ long-suffering wife Martha asserted that this wasn ’ t the first time her husband had made the rodeo claim , despite his complete physical inability to rope a calf , race around barrels on a horse , or properly tie a lasso .
“ I mean , we live in Toronto , for Christ ’ s sake , ” Martha exclaimed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ seen a cow ?
Or a farm ?
I once asked him if he knew what a rodeo was , and he muttered something about Rhode Island and then immediately changed the subject .
Hell , just yesterday I overheard him telling our three-year-old son about how cows go ‘ oink ’ while reading him a bedtime story.
” “ All I ’ m saying is , if you ’ re going to go around saying things like ‘ don ’ t have a cow , Martha ’ all the time , you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one out of a lineup.
” Timothy McCormack , Barnes ’ boss and an avid rodeo enthusiast , expressed his doubts about his employee ’ s workplace performance after learning about his complete lack of experience with basic rodeo etiquette .
“ Sure , he calls himself a team player , but can he successfully participate in a team roping challenge ?
Judging by his dismal performance in the company tug-of-war last summer , I highly doubt it.
” Barnes was last heard exclaiming that he ’ d meet a cow “ when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when pressed , he was unable to say whether or not they actually could .

TORONTO – After listening to a coworker explain a simple solution to a tax problem yesterday, accountant Jim Barnes was overheard confidently shooting down the advice and declaring “Listen, this ain’t my first rodeo!” despite never having ridden, seen, or even met a cow in real life.
“I practically invented that solution. Why? Because I’m the kinda employee who takes the bull by the horns,” Barnes boasted, shamefully unaware that in a traditional rodeo, touching the bull with your hands would immediately disqualify you from the competition.
“I can do that kinda stuff ‘til the cows come home!” he added, ignoring the fact that he has no idea where cows live.
Barnes’ long-suffering wife Martha asserted that this wasn’t the first time her husband had made the rodeo claim, despite his complete physical inability to rope a calf, race around barrels on a horse, or properly tie a lasso.
“I mean, we live in Toronto, for Christ’s sake,” Martha exclaimed. “Where would he have even seen a cow? Or a farm? I once asked him if he knew what a rodeo was, and he muttered something about Rhode Island and then immediately changed the subject. Hell, just yesterday I overheard him telling our three-year-old son about how cows go ‘oink’ while reading him a bedtime story.”
“All I’m saying is, if you’re going to go around saying things like ‘don’t have a cow, Martha’ all the time, you should at least be able to pick one out of a lineup.”
Timothy McCormack, Barnes’ boss and an avid rodeo enthusiast, expressed his doubts about his employee’s workplace performance after learning about his complete lack of experience with basic rodeo etiquette.
“Sure, he calls himself a team player, but can he successfully participate in a team roping challenge? Judging by his dismal performance in the company tug-of-war last summer, I highly doubt it.”
Barnes was last heard exclaiming that he’d meet a cow “when pigs fly,” even though, when pressed, he was unable to say whether or not they actually could.


thebeaverton--2020-12-17--As pandemic deaths skyrocket in Whoville, The Grinch is dubbed self-isolation hero

WHOVILLE – Last Tuesday , many who have spoken out on quarantining during the COVID-19 pandemic have taken to Twitter to praise The Grinch for his preparedness amid the news that Whovillians have reached 30 thousand deaths .
“ He ’ s really the only one taking this seriously ” , states Rosmund Ellis , a nurse sent to try to convince the Whos to stop gathering in large numbers , to no avail .
“ He won ’ t leave Mount Crumpet for anything , which is smart considering he has a pre-existing condition : coronary microvascular disease : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” When reached for comment , Bertie Lou Whooper , current mayor of Whoville said , “ Corona virus is just some phooey made up by libtards to reignite the war on Christmas.
” When asked his thoughts on the warnings by the World Health Organization , Whooper replied , “ You mean WHO ?
Listen , down here in this snowflake , we have our own WHO .
A Who WHO .
And they say the best cure to any disease is holding hands with every single person in your town and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I did everything right ” , as he holds up some garbage and takes a big bite .
“ I even tried to take their Christmas away .
I shot down their Amazon drones from my way .
I shot down their trappings , their wrappings , their snoofs .
But that cesspool , St. Nick , still perched on their roofs .
What is this place ?
My own private hell ?
Cindy lou ’ s forever lost her sense of smell.
” Like many who ’ ve been quarantining during this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ consists mostly of self-loathing and slipping into madness .
“ That ’ s exactly what I want to hear , ” continued Ellis .
“ The Grinch knows all about letting loneliness consume you and it ’ s that , that will protect us all against COVID-19.
” At press time , The Grinch just sent us a bunch of pictures of his dog Max in little Santa outfits .

WHOVILLE – Last Tuesday, many who have spoken out on quarantining during the COVID-19 pandemic have taken to Twitter to praise The Grinch for his preparedness amid the news that Whovillians have reached 30 thousand deaths.
“He’s really the only one taking this seriously”, states Rosmund Ellis, a nurse sent to try to convince the Whos to stop gathering in large numbers, to no avail. “He won’t leave Mount Crumpet for anything, which is smart considering he has a pre-existing condition: coronary microvascular disease: his heart is two sizes too small.”
When reached for comment, Bertie Lou Whooper, current mayor of Whoville said, “Corona virus is just some phooey made up by libtards to reignite the war on Christmas.” When asked his thoughts on the warnings by the World Health Organization, Whooper replied, “You mean WHO? Listen, down here in this snowflake, we have our own WHO. A Who WHO. And they say the best cure to any disease is holding hands with every single person in your town and singing.”
Said The Grinch, “I did everything right”, as he holds up some garbage and takes a big bite. “I even tried to take their Christmas away. I shot down their Amazon drones from my way. I shot down their trappings, their wrappings, their snoofs. But that cesspool, St. Nick, still perched on their roofs. What is this place? My own private hell? Cindy lou’s forever lost her sense of smell.”
Like many who’ve been quarantining during this pandemic, The Grinch’s schedule consists mostly of self-loathing and slipping into madness. “That’s exactly what I want to hear,” continued Ellis. “The Grinch knows all about letting loneliness consume you and it’s that, that will protect us all against COVID-19.”
At press time, The Grinch just sent us a bunch of pictures of his dog Max in little Santa outfits.


thebeaverton--2020-12-17--Nation’s uncles scramble to pre-record racist rant in time for Christmas dinner

NATIONWIDE – As COVID restrictions tighten and the uncertainty of family gatherings looms , uncles across Canada are scrambling to pre-record their racist rants for extended families to enjoy over Christmas dinner .
“ It ’ s important to uphold family traditions regardless of what the holidays look like , ” said Uncle Joe , from Regina , who often waits until 8 minutes into Christmas dinner to provide his hot takes on immigration .
“ This year , it was a little tricky to gauge when to pivot and start loudly spewing baseless facts about how immigrants are taking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the mortified reactions of my niece to feed off of .
But I figured it out !
” Although most uncles across Canada were able to adjust their various socially conservative rants to fit the new medium – like Uncle Mark in St. John ’ s who took advantage of Zoom ’ s digital background feature with a confederate flag background – some uncles are reportedly disappointed that a pre-recorded rant is not the same .
“ I miss the intense , direct eye contact I give my nephew whenever I go off @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” stated Uncle Steve , in Vancouver .
“ Or the extra flavour of the rant steadily getting more racist as I drink rum and cokes.
” “ And what happens if a brand new race is discovered in the month between recording and Christmas ?
” declared Uncle Harry from Ontario .
“ It ’ s important that the rant remains relevant or else it ’ s even more fodder for my family to say I ’ m outdated !
” According to Uncle Frank in Halifax , it took a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ right because the first time he somehow recorded it without audio and the second time he sat with the window behind him so you couldn ’ t see his face , but eventually he nailed it .
“ I liked being able to record my rant !
” added Uncle Frank .
“ I even pre-recorded alternative endings depending on predicted reactions , like they did with the Clue movie .
So , if my niece tells me ‘ my support of anti-maskers are irresponsible and stupid ’ , the video will play @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I ’ m entitled to my opinion ’ or if she just swears and storms off , it ’ ll play the ending where I say ‘ well , I ’ m entitled to my opinion ’ .
” In an email interview , Avery Miller , niece of Uncle Walter in Montreal , admitted that it ’ s not Christmas without her uncle ’ s unwarranted rhetoric .
“ Especially with 2020 being what it was , I was so ready to counter his disparaging thoughts on defunding the police .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ him on Facebook… ” Meanwhile , a national survey conducted by the government of Canada shows 78 % of nieces and nephews are looking forward to playing their uncle ’ s racist rant in the background for some Christmas dinner ambiance , like the fireplace channel .
At press time , the nation ’ s Aunts have pre-recorded their side comments about your weight and are ready to send it as soon as they figure how to attach a video file to an email .

NATIONWIDE – As COVID restrictions tighten and the uncertainty of family gatherings looms, uncles across Canada are scrambling to pre-record their racist rants for extended families to enjoy over Christmas dinner.
“It’s important to uphold family traditions regardless of what the holidays look like,” said Uncle Joe, from Regina, who often waits until 8 minutes into Christmas dinner to provide his hot takes on immigration. “This year, it was a little tricky to gauge when to pivot and start loudly spewing baseless facts about how immigrants are taking jobs since I didn’t have the mortified reactions of my niece to feed off of. But I figured it out!”
Although most uncles across Canada were able to adjust their various socially conservative rants to fit the new medium – like Uncle Mark in St. John’s who took advantage of Zoom’s digital background feature with a confederate flag background – some uncles are reportedly disappointed that a pre-recorded rant is not the same.
“I miss the intense, direct eye contact I give my nephew whenever I go off on how white people experience reverse racism,” stated Uncle Steve, in Vancouver. “Or the extra flavour of the rant steadily getting more racist as I drink rum and cokes.”
“And what happens if a brand new race is discovered in the month between recording and Christmas?” declared Uncle Harry from Ontario. “It’s important that the rant remains relevant or else it’s even more fodder for my family to say I’m outdated!”
According to Uncle Frank in Halifax, it took a couple run throughs to get his video right because the first time he somehow recorded it without audio and the second time he sat with the window behind him so you couldn’t see his face, but eventually he nailed it.
“I liked being able to record my rant!” added Uncle Frank. “I even pre-recorded alternative endings depending on predicted reactions, like they did with the Clue movie. So, if my niece tells me ‘my support of anti-maskers are irresponsible and stupid’, the video will play the ending where I say ‘well, I’m entitled to my opinion’ or if she just swears and storms off, it’ll play the ending where I say ‘well, I’m entitled to my opinion’.”
In an email interview, Avery Miller, niece of Uncle Walter in Montreal, admitted that it’s not Christmas without her uncle’s unwarranted rhetoric. “Especially with 2020 being what it was, I was so ready to counter his disparaging thoughts on defunding the police. I guess I can always argue with him on Facebook…”
Meanwhile, a national survey conducted by the government of Canada shows 78% of nieces and nephews are looking forward to playing their uncle’s racist rant in the background for some Christmas dinner ambiance, like the fireplace channel.
At press time, the nation’s Aunts have pre-recorded their side comments about your weight and are ready to send it as soon as they figure how to attach a video file to an email.


thebeaverton--2020-12-18--5 manly masculine grooming kits for your disgusting boyfriend

‘ Tis the season !
It ’ s that faithful time of year where folks all over the country step up to the plate and give their significant others something utterly useless and mismatched to their personality .
However , most consumers are paralyzed by the overwhelming amount of choice in today ’ s market .
The Beaverton has expertly combed through the web ’ s “ Best Gifts for Men ” and selected the most okay skincare and grooming kits to gift your horrendously disgusting boyfriends .
A drugstore classic for a reason !
Between stopping in to pick @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you can easily chuck this handsome charcoal-hued set into your cart .
All the products are pretty interchangeable , rub ‘ em on your face , your balls , really doesn ’ t matter .
Plus you just know he ’ ll love it , because his mom gave him the exact same set when he went off to university 8 years ago !
He still has most of the items , somewhere !
Is your hard-working guy a podcast devotee ?
Does his value self-optimization only if endorsed by the ex-host of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ probably been secretly eyeing this rugged kit from Manscaped !
Sure you ’ ll be sweeping pubes out of the tile grout for the next year but it ’ ll be all worth it when you reassure him that yes , you used Rogan ’ s promo code .
He ’ ll be so elated that he might even say something gross like how the ‘ Ball Toner ’ is actually a gift for the both of you… Aw , did your widdle boyfriend ask for a PS5 this year for Christmas ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ anything else sitting under the tree on the 25th , until of course you explain that Aesop is the Playstation of skincare .
He ’ ll be overjoyed and definity understand the cultural cachet of paying over $ 100 to flex that pretty amber bottle .
This steely gray kit is only FOR MEN .
Avert your eyes as you add it to your online shopping cart .
Peek out between your fingers as you attempt to wrap it up .
Close your eyes and gingerly feel around for space under your bathroom @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t even taken it out of the box .
Maybe the gnawing dread that ’ s been eating you up about selecting a gift you understand your unhygienic boyfriend will despise is really about how you don ’ t understand him at all .
And maybe about how he doesn ’ t really understand you either .
You flick through aggregated lists of cheaply made products in the same shades of navy blue , olive green , and shart brown , hoping to find something that will reignite the spark that your relationship @ @ @ @ @ @ @ drift so far apart while simultaneously co-existing ?
As you numbly opt to have this Kiehl ’ s delivered overnight , your partner sits across from you in dead silence , attempting to decipher which candle to purchase for you .

‘Tis the season! It’s that faithful time of year where folks all over the country step up to the plate and give their significant others something utterly useless and mismatched to their personality.
However, most consumers are paralyzed by the overwhelming amount of choice in today’s market. The Beaverton has expertly combed through the web’s “Best Gifts for Men” and selected the most okay skincare and grooming kits to gift your horrendously disgusting boyfriends.
1. Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort 5-Piece Set
A drugstore classic for a reason! Between stopping in to pick up more toilet paper and ibuprofen, you can easily chuck this handsome charcoal-hued set into your cart. All the products are pretty interchangeable, rub ‘em on your face, your balls, really doesn’t matter. Plus you just know he’ll love it, because his mom gave him the exact same set when he went off to university 8 years ago! He still has most of the items, somewhere!
2. Manscaped Performance Package
Is your hard-working guy a podcast devotee? Does his value self-optimization only if endorsed by the ex-host of Fear Factor? Then he’s probably been secretly eyeing this rugged kit from Manscaped! Sure you’ll be sweeping pubes out of the tile grout for the next year but it’ll be all worth it when you reassure him that yes, you used Rogan’s promo code. He’ll be so elated that he might even say something gross like how the ‘Ball Toner’ is actually a gift for the both of you…
3. Aesop Moroccan Neroli Shaving Duet
Aw, did your widdle boyfriend ask for a PS5 this year for Christmas? They might be pretty disappointed to find anything else sitting under the tree on the 25th, until of course you explain that Aesop is the Playstation of skincare. He’ll be overjoyed and definity understand the cultural cachet of paying over $100 to flex that pretty amber bottle.
4. Clinique for Men Starter Kit
This steely gray kit is only FOR MEN. Avert your eyes as you add it to your online shopping cart. Peek out between your fingers as you attempt to wrap it up. Close your eyes and gingerly feel around for space under your bathroom sink once you realize he hasn’t even taken it out of the box.
5. Kiehl’s Men’s Grab & Go Set
Maybe the gnawing dread that’s been eating you up about selecting a gift you understand your unhygienic boyfriend will despise is really about how you don’t understand him at all. And maybe about how he doesn’t really understand you either. You flick through aggregated lists of cheaply made products in the same shades of navy blue, olive green, and shart brown, hoping to find something that will reignite the spark that your relationship once held. How could two people drift so far apart while simultaneously co-existing? As you numbly opt to have this Kiehl’s delivered overnight, your partner sits across from you in dead silence, attempting to decipher which candle to purchase for you.


thebeaverton--2020-12-18--Sony pulls broken, glitching Cyberpunk 2077 game, rebrands it as Cyberpunk 2020

SAN MATEO , CA – Following reports that its newly-released Cyberpunk 2077 game has been riddled with release problems and frustrating glitches , Sony has pulled the game from its online store in order to quickly rebrand the game as being set in the year 2020 .
“ While we initially worried about offering refunds , we here at Sony feel a game riddled with bugs and poor performance was perfectly appropriate for the year 2020 , ” explained Sony Interactive spokesperson Karen Fukiyama .
“ Now that Cyberpunk has been retconned as taking place during the current year , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ make perfect sense.
” The malfunctioning game , initially set in the futuristic dystopia of 2077 , proved surprisingly easy for developers CD Projekt Red to re-contextualize in the year 2020 .
“ It all just kinda fit , ” described program lead Christian Werks .
“ The bugs in the game create an overall sense of frustration and despair – perfect for getting the player in a 2020 headspace.
” “ Plus , the original Cyberpunk setting has everyone talking into screens all the time , dressing in weird clothes , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ – that all sounds like our current garbage year of 2020 to me , ” exclaimed Werks proudly .
CD Project Red admits that , while they were able to avoid creating a massive and costly patch that would actually fix the game , changing the setting to the year 2020 still required some small changes .
“ Back when the game took place in 2077 we had a lot of people walking around wearing masks , you know , because of all the future pollution , ” explained Werks .
“ But @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , we realized we had to take away some of the citizens wearing masks , just to keep the game realistic.
” While the rebranding of the Cyberpunk game to 2020 has allowed CD Projekt Red to avoid the difficult task of actually fixing the game , the entertainment giant has assured consumers developers were still forced to work extra unpaid crunch hours in accordance with standard policy .
In response , video game customers have vowed to continue pre-ordering unfinished games , in accordance with standard policy .

SAN MATEO, CA – Following reports that its newly-released Cyberpunk 2077 game has been riddled with release problems and frustrating glitches, Sony has pulled the game from its online store in order to quickly rebrand the game as being set in the year 2020.
“While we initially worried about offering refunds, we here at Sony feel a game riddled with bugs and poor performance was perfectly appropriate for the year 2020,” explained Sony Interactive spokesperson Karen Fukiyama. “Now that Cyberpunk has been retconned as taking place during the current year, the sluggish framerates and disappointing visuals all make perfect sense.”
The malfunctioning game, initially set in the futuristic dystopia of 2077, proved surprisingly easy for developers CD Projekt Red to re-contextualize in the year 2020. “It all just kinda fit,” described program lead Christian Werks. “The bugs in the game create an overall sense of frustration and despair – perfect for getting the player in a 2020 headspace.”
“Plus, the original Cyberpunk setting has everyone talking into screens all the time, dressing in weird clothes, and a bunch of casual ableism and transphobia – that all sounds like our current garbage year of 2020 to me,” exclaimed Werks proudly.
CD Project Red admits that, while they were able to avoid creating a massive and costly patch that would actually fix the game, changing the setting to the year 2020 still required some small changes.
“Back when the game took place in 2077 we had a lot of people walking around wearing masks, you know, because of all the future pollution,” explained Werks. “But when we changed the game to 2020, we realized we had to take away some of the citizens wearing masks, just to keep the game realistic.”
While the rebranding of the Cyberpunk game to 2020 has allowed CD Projekt Red to avoid the difficult task of actually fixing the game, the entertainment giant has assured consumers developers were still forced to work extra unpaid crunch hours in accordance with standard policy.
In response, video game customers have vowed to continue pre-ordering unfinished games, in accordance with standard policy.


thebeaverton--2020-12-18--Kenney defends maskless meeting claiming it wasn’t a workplace since he hasn’t done any work

EDMONTON – After an image appeared of the Alberta premier not wearing a mask at an indoor meeting , Jason @ @ @ @ @ it wasn ’ t a workplace since he has not done any work .
“ @ @ @ @ @ implies that these government buildings have elected officials doing something about the pandemic , ” @ @ @ @ @ all we did was consider empty assurances and implementing measures when it ’ s already @ @ @ @ @ ” The premier said that he and his two cabinet ministers would not be heard @ @ @ @ @ a 1 oz procedural mask measuring 1mm in thickness .
“ Surely , I could @ @ @ @ @ front of me so I could be heard better , but turning them on could @ @ @ @ @ ” added Kenney .
Meanwhile , Chief Medical Officer of Health Dr. Deena Hinshaw accidentally @ @ @ @ @ the meeting claiming it was just a complex medical device .

EDMONTON – After an image appeared of the Alberta premier not wearing a mask at an indoor meeting, Jason Kenney is defending himself saying it wasn’t a workplace since he has not done any work.
“The spirit of the order implies that these government buildings have elected officials doing something about the pandemic,” explained Kenney. “And all we did was consider empty assurances and implementing measures when it’s already too late to be effective.”
The premier said that he and his two cabinet ministers would not be heard under the tremendous weight of a 1 oz procedural mask measuring 1mm in thickness.
“Surely, I could have used the microphones in front of me so I could be heard better, but turning them on could be seen as work,” added Kenney.
Meanwhile, Chief Medical Officer of Health Dr. Deena Hinshaw accidentally dropped her voice recorder during the meeting claiming it was just a complex medical device.


thebeaverton--2020-12-18--Health Canada announces that dudes who wear shorts all winter will get vaccine last

OTTAWA – Health Canada announced this morning that they have come up with their official vaccine pecking order and , as expected , those dudes who insist on wearing shorts all winter will get the vaccine last .
“ This is a deadly pandemic and there are only so many vaccine doses , so hard choices had to be made , ” said Minister Patty Hajdu .
“ Our priorities are healthcare workers , the elderly , professional hockey players , everyone else and then those guys who feel the need to prove how tough they are by exposing their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shorts in winter ’ dude subculture emerges every November , prompting a national reaction of “ the fuck ?
” Although not intrinsically harmful to their health , it is the type of idiotic , hubristic behaviour that health officials say they can not sanction by protecting them from COVID .
“ Obviously we don ’ t want COVID to kill anyone .
But if someone has to go do you want it to be your Nan or Brett , who wears plaid shorts , ankle socks and tennis shoes in January and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the cold ? '
” asked Dr. Theresa Tam .
For their part the shorts wearers seem to respect the decision .
“ It ’ s a bit of a bummer but if this is the price I pay for looking awesome and showing off my sweet Rick and Morty calf tattoo , then so be it , ” said Brett .
“ Also COVID is a total hoax anyway so NBD.
” Just ahead of winter shorts boys on the vaccine list are people who cut their nails on the subway , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and anyone who has complained about missing brunch during the pandemic .

OTTAWA – Health Canada announced this morning that they have come up with their official vaccine pecking order and, as expected, those dudes who insist on wearing shorts all winter will get the vaccine last.
“This is a deadly pandemic and there are only so many vaccine doses, so hard choices had to be made,” said Minister Patty Hajdu. “Our priorities are healthcare workers, the elderly, professional hockey players, everyone else and then those guys who feel the need to prove how tough they are by exposing their knees during a blizzard.”
“Like – what’s your deal bro?” she added.
The ‘shorts in winter’ dude subculture emerges every November, prompting a national reaction of “the fuck?” Although not intrinsically harmful to their health, it is the type of idiotic, hubristic behaviour that health officials say they can not sanction by protecting them from COVID.
“Obviously we don’t want COVID to kill anyone. But if someone has to go do you want it to be your Nan or Brett, who wears plaid shorts, ankle socks and tennis shoes in January and claims he ‘doesn’t feel the cold?'” asked Dr. Theresa Tam.
For their part the shorts wearers seem to respect the decision. “It’s a bit of a bummer but if this is the price I pay for looking awesome and showing off my sweet Rick and Morty calf tattoo, then so be it,” said Brett. “Also COVID is a total hoax anyway so NBD.”
Just ahead of winter shorts boys on the vaccine list are people who cut their nails on the subway, anglos who over pronounce French words, and anyone who has complained about missing brunch during the pandemic.


thebeaverton--2020-12-19--5 new party drugs that are just you taking your antidepressants regularly

Worried about being out of the loop when this is all over and you can finally go back to clubbing ?
Fear not : we ’ ve assembled this handy list of the latest party drugs to emerge during the COVID-19 pandemic that are sure to give you that high* you ’ ve been craving !
1 .
Special FX ( or ) Also known as venlafaxine , popping one of these babies at the same time every day is said to get your neurotransmitters firing , creating a sense of well-being that lasts all day ( and night !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ mouth , but that ’ s just another reminder for you to have one of your daily eight glasses of water !
Stay happy and stay hydrated , you crazy sonsa bitches !
2 .
Paxil Romana The Romans circa 27 BC may have thought they knew a thing or two about peace , but they ’ ve got nothing on these little pink pills !
Taking one – with food , no one likes a bummy tummy – gives you such a sense of serenity that you ’ ll be ready to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in no time .
3 .
E² Escitalopram is what ecstasy could be if it shut the fuck up about Bon Iver , got a job , and opened an RRSP .
Use a lil pill organizer to keep track of when you ’ ve taken it to make sure you never again have to deal with everyone asking why your pupils are so fucking huge .
4 .
Shawty Got That Endorphin Flow , Flow , Flow , Flow , Flow , Flow , Flow This is actually an oldie that ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your dad ) .
Simply overcome the constant fog of exhaustion that envelops you to perform thirty minutes of moderate to vigorous physical activity every day and voila !
The easiest entry on this list to obtain due to its low low price tag , it ’ s also the most infuriating to have someone recommend to you .
5 .
Silly Rabbit , Trintellix Are For Kids !
The name is a mouthful , but we promise these little pills are anything but !
Easy to wash down along with a sip @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s no reason not to take it !
Seriously .
Just take the damn medicine as it has been prescribed .
* sense of emotional stability and capacity to function at the level of an average human being

Worried about being out of the loop when this is all over and you can finally go back to clubbing? Fear not: we’ve assembled this handy list of the latest party drugs to emerge during the COVID-19 pandemic that are sure to give you that high* you’ve been craving!
1. Special FX(or)
Also known as venlafaxine, popping one of these babies at the same time every day is said to get your neurotransmitters firing, creating a sense of well-being that lasts all day (and night!) long. It can cause dry mouth, but that’s just another reminder for you to have one of your daily eight glasses of water! Stay happy and stay hydrated, you crazy sonsa bitches!
2. Paxil Romana
The Romans circa 27 BC may have thought they knew a thing or two about peace, but they’ve got nothing on these little pink pills! Taking one – with food, no one likes a bummy tummy – gives you such a sense of serenity that you’ll be ready to shower more than once every two weeks in no time.
3. E²
Escitalopram is what ecstasy could be if it shut the fuck up about Bon Iver, got a job, and opened an RRSP. Use a lil pill organizer to keep track of when you’ve taken it to make sure you never again have to deal with everyone asking why your pupils are so fucking huge.
4. Shawty Got That Endorphin Flow, Flow, Flow, Flow, Flow, Flow, Flow
This is actually an oldie that’s making a comeback (just ask your dad). Simply overcome the constant fog of exhaustion that envelops you to perform thirty minutes of moderate to vigorous physical activity every day and voila! The easiest entry on this list to obtain due to its low low price tag, it’s also the most infuriating to have someone recommend to you.
5. Silly Rabbit, Trintellix Are For Kids!
The name is a mouthful, but we promise these little pills are anything but! Easy to wash down along with a sip of OJ alongside your oatmeal, there’s no reason not to take it! Seriously. Just take the damn medicine as it has been prescribed.
* sense of emotional stability and capacity to function at the level of an average human being


thebeaverton--2020-12-19--COVID vaccine gives hope to hundreds who love arguing about vaccines

NATIONWIDE – With the current rollout beginning for the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine , many people across the country are excited about the chance to have bitter arguments about the safety and effectiveness of vaccination .
“ As soon as I saw the news story on my social media accounts , and then comments after claiming the whole thing was a conspiracy started by Bill Gates to make a profit , I knew we were back in action , ” said long-time science proponent Aid Wilkes of St. Johns .
“ I ’ ve drafted some scathing criticism to post , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ few times , and already staked out a few clinics to fight people in front of.
” “ 2020 has been a rough year for vaccine debaters , ” said anti-vaxxer turned anti-masker turned anti-vaxxer again Wayne Brody , of Calgary .
“ With the strain on healthcare systems making it hard for anyone to get any shots , fighting about them just seems pointless now .
In a way , it ’ s a victory for our side , but not in the way we would ’ ve wanted.
” “ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crazy nonsense the anti-vaccine crowd comes up with , ” explained long time pro-vaccine advocate Lena Whedden of Ottawa .
“ Maybe they ’ ll start saying that the shots make you diabetic , or fill your bloodstream with tracking chips , or make you find Netflix ’ s Space Force funny !
” In order to prepare for the return of the vaccination debate , many across the country are petitioning their local government to set up safe injection flamewar sites .

NATIONWIDE – With the current rollout beginning for the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine, many people across the country are excited about the chance to have bitter arguments about the safety and effectiveness of vaccination.
“As soon as I saw the news story on my social media accounts, and then comments after claiming the whole thing was a conspiracy started by Bill Gates to make a profit, I knew we were back in action,” said long-time science proponent Aid Wilkes of St. Johns. “I’ve drafted some scathing criticism to post, argued with myself in the mirror a few times, and already staked out a few clinics to fight people in front of.”
“2020 has been a rough year for vaccine debaters,” said anti-vaxxer turned anti-masker turned anti-vaxxer again Wayne Brody, of Calgary. “With the strain on healthcare systems making it hard for anyone to get any shots, fighting about them just seems pointless now. In a way, it’s a victory for our side, but not in the way we would’ve wanted.”
“I can’t wait to see what crazy nonsense the anti-vaccine crowd comes up with,” explained long time pro-vaccine advocate Lena Whedden of Ottawa. “Maybe they’ll start saying that the shots make you diabetic, or fill your bloodstream with tracking chips, or make you find Netflix’s Space Force funny!”
In order to prepare for the return of the vaccination debate, many across the country are petitioning their local government to set up safe injection flamewar sites.


thebeaverton--2020-12-20--All-Canadian NHL Division contributes to national unity by causing fans to hate all the other Canadi

All-Canadian NHL Division contributes to national unity by causing fans to hate all the other Canadian teams

NEW YORK – Rejoicing at the NHL ’ s nation-building project , Canadian hockey fans are ready to absolutely hate every opposing Canadian team .
The new North Conference places all of the country ’ s teams together to promote common understanding , sportsmanship , and despising their conference competitors and the shitty city they came from .
“ I ’ ve never hated Winnipeg before – it was like hating toast , ” said Habs fan Loic Blanchette .
“ But now that we are pitted against each other , I hate them more than ever because we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The move is expected to bring Canadians closer together and much , much further apart by May 8 , 2021 .
“ I ’ m very proud they have all of us in one division playing each other , ” boasted Sens fan Derrell Kershaw .
“ But fuck the Canucks and whatever province Vancouver is located in .
Had I not fallen asleep before the puck dropped when you played your stupid home games , I might have remembered the names of the players I now loathe.
” According to sources , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ other Canadian teams feel about the Toronto Maple Leafs since they ’ ve always been hated .
Meanwhile , local dentists are looking forward to the added business from the additional Calgary-Edmonton games being played this season .

NEW YORK – Rejoicing at the NHL’s nation-building project, Canadian hockey fans are ready to absolutely hate every opposing Canadian team.
The new North Conference places all of the country’s teams together to promote common understanding, sportsmanship, and despising their conference competitors and the shitty city they came from.
“I’ve never hated Winnipeg before – it was like hating toast,” said Habs fan Loic Blanchette. “But now that we are pitted against each other, I hate them more than ever because we’re not playing Boston this year.”
The move is expected to bring Canadians closer together and much, much further apart by May 8, 2021.
“I’m very proud they have all of us in one division playing each other,” boasted Sens fan Derrell Kershaw. “But fuck the Canucks and whatever province Vancouver is located in. Had I not fallen asleep before the puck dropped when you played your stupid home games, I might have remembered the names of the players I now loathe.”
According to sources, there was no change on how the other Canadian teams feel about the Toronto Maple Leafs since they’ve always been hated.
Meanwhile, local dentists are looking forward to the added business from the additional Calgary-Edmonton games being played this season.


thebeaverton--2020-12-20--Couple goes ahead with wedding despite pretty big sign from God

LONDON – After 2 years of dating , local couple Lauren and Travis May celebrated their undying love for each other by tying the knot despite the fairly obvious and extremely large sign from God that maybe they should wait .
“ It wasn ’ t easy to plan a wedding during these crazy times , ” confessed bride Lauren , referring to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic , widely known to be spread by close-contact activities like eating , drinking , and receiving lines .
“ But God never gives you more than you can handle.
” The wedding was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cancelled when the province went into lockdown after reaching 59 new cases a day .
Wanting to do everything they could to keep their guests safe except not have a wedding , the couple rescheduled to this past Saturday , when the province reported only a hair over 2000 new cases .
During the intervening months , the couple found comfort in repeating the classic verse from Corinthians , “ Love is patient , love is kind ” although their patience and kindness did not extend until September 2021 , when the vaccine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ The morning of the ceremony , our pastor called — he ’ d tested positive .
We ’ re just so glad we found out beforehand , we could never put our guests at risk like that , ” said Lauren , willfully ignoring the banquet hall of a petri dish she created for 100 of her closest friends and oldest family members .
“ After all that we didn ’ t even end up married , but we just have to trust that God ’ s timing is the best timing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of His plan.
” At press time , the couple ’ s photographer was frantically removing the hovering swarm of locusts that had mysteriously appeared in every photo .

LONDON – After 2 years of dating, local couple Lauren and Travis May celebrated their undying love for each other by tying the knot despite the fairly obvious and extremely large sign from God that maybe they should wait.
“It wasn’t easy to plan a wedding during these crazy times,” confessed bride Lauren, referring to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, widely known to be spread by close-contact activities like eating, drinking, and receiving lines. “But God never gives you more than you can handle.”
The wedding was originally planned for mid-March, but was cancelled when the province went into lockdown after reaching 59 new cases a day. Wanting to do everything they could to keep their guests safe except not have a wedding, the couple rescheduled to this past Saturday, when the province reported only a hair over 2000 new cases. During the intervening months, the couple found comfort in repeating the classic verse from Corinthians, “Love is patient, love is kind” although their patience and kindness did not extend until September 2021, when the vaccine is expected to become widely available.
“The morning of the ceremony, our pastor called — he’d tested positive. We’re just so glad we found out beforehand, we could never put our guests at risk like that,” said Lauren, willfully ignoring the banquet hall of a petri dish she created for 100 of her closest friends and oldest family members. “After all that we didn’t even end up married, but we just have to trust that God’s timing is the best timing and that it’s all part of His plan.”
At press time, the couple’s photographer was frantically removing the hovering swarm of locusts that had mysteriously appeared in every photo.


thebeaverton--2020-12-20--Poet takes road less travelled by, dies

Poet takes road less travelled by, dies

BANFF , AB – Tragedy struck yesterday after poet Gregory Prince was found dead in the woods several kilometres off a popular hiking trail .
Prince had been missing for several days after artistically announcing on Facebook that he was going to “ Take the road less travelled by ” during his upcoming trip to Banff .
The post included a photo of Prince posing like Rodin ’ s “ The Thinker ” with the caption “ Only the adventurous make history , ” and a poem that caused several friends to leave concerned messages on his Facebook wall : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ skills , Regardless of path , I shall head “ North ” Musings , not maps , shall guide me henceforth Into the sexy yet perilous hills.
” Tim Goldsmith , a hiker with over fifteen years ’ experience , explained that he had briefly spoken with Prince after running into him on a trail just before the poet went missing .
“ When he described himself as a ‘ lonely traveller searching for inspiration in the deep , dark wood ’ , that was my first clue that this guy might not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Goldsmith exclaimed .
“ But then he told me that he was deliberately going to veer off from the safe path in search of his ‘ muse ’ , whatever the hell that means .
I told him that it wasn ’ t safe , that there were bears in this area , but he didn ’ t listen.
” “ I mean , the guy was wearing loafers and an argyle turtleneck sweater on an extremely challenging hiking trail .
Frankly , I ’ m surprised he didn ’ t die sooner.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ devastated to learn of her husband ’ s death , but admitted that she had had her reservations about the entire expedition .
“ He insisted that going off-road was going to make all the difference for his career , ” she said , clutching the bloody and bite-marked remnants of Prince ’ s poetry journal .
“ But the only hiking he had ever done was the one time he wandered in circles around our backyard for four hours as he tried to figure out what rhymes with ‘ orange ’ .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ out , ” she sobbed .
“ And now look at him—partially eaten by a cougar at the bottom of a ravine.
” At press time , Banff had officially banned all artists from the park .

BANFF, AB – Tragedy struck yesterday after poet Gregory Prince was found dead in the woods several kilometres off a popular hiking trail. Prince had been missing for several days after artistically announcing on Facebook that he was going to “Take the road less travelled by” during his upcoming trip to Banff.
The post included a photo of Prince posing like Rodin’s “The Thinker” with the caption “Only the adventurous make history,” and a poem that caused several friends to leave concerned messages on his Facebook wall:
“Today I shall bravely venture forth
Though I have of course no hiking skills,
Regardless of path, I shall head “North”
Musings, not maps, shall guide me henceforth
Into the sexy yet perilous hills.”
Tim Goldsmith, a hiker with over fifteen years’ experience, explained that he had briefly spoken with Prince after running into him on a trail just before the poet went missing.
“When he described himself as a ‘lonely traveller searching for inspiration in the deep, dark wood’, that was my first clue that this guy might not know what he was doing,” Goldsmith exclaimed. “But then he told me that he was deliberately going to veer off from the safe path in search of his ‘muse’, whatever the hell that means. I told him that it wasn’t safe, that there were bears in this area, but he didn’t listen.”
“I mean, the guy was wearing loafers and an argyle turtleneck sweater on an extremely challenging hiking trail. Frankly, I’m surprised he didn’t die sooner.”
Gregory’s wife Angela was devastated to learn of her husband’s death, but admitted that she had had her reservations about the entire expedition.
“He insisted that going off-road was going to make all the difference for his career,” she said, clutching the bloody and bite-marked remnants of Prince’s poetry journal. “But the only hiking he had ever done was the one time he wandered in circles around our backyard for four hours as he tried to figure out what rhymes with ‘orange’.”
“He never did figure it out,” she sobbed. “And now look at him—partially eaten by a cougar at the bottom of a ravine.”
At press time, Banff had officially banned all artists from the park.


thebeaverton--2020-12-21--Disinterested cat leaves gift card for dead mouse in owners shoes

VANCOUVER – In a stark display of feline frigidity , local cat owner Carly Munroe awoke Thursday morning to find a gift card for a dead mouse inside her slippers left by her cat , Mittens .
Early reports indicate that the 4-year-old shorthair returned to the apartment that the two share the night before with the redeemable token in her mouth .
The 10-dollar gift card , the lowest denomination offered by La Mouseria , can be spent at any of the three lower mainland locations .
“ I ’ m not offended .
She ’ s just been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a new bird feeder .
So that ’ s taking up a lot of her time .
I mean if she really didn ’ t care , she wouldn ’ t have gotten me anything at all , right ?
” Munroe rationalized while tightly clutching the custom-monogrammed leather collar she recently had made for Mittens .
‘ Plus , with a gift card I can choose what kind of dead mouse I want .
So in a way it ’ s actually really thoughtful , ” added Munroe , who earlier that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in search of a sufficiently squeaky rubber owl .
When reached for comment on her apparently growing detachment , Mittens was tight lipped , arching her back and darting behind the dresser .
This is only the latest instance of Mitten ’ s growing disregard for her owner .
The month prior , Munroe awoke to find that the black pantsuit she had laid out the night before an important meeting was unmolested and entirely free of cat hair .
At press time , Mittens has seemingly extended an olive branch to her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lap completely unbeckoned to blast hot cat vomit all over her leggings .

VANCOUVER – In a stark display of feline frigidity, local cat owner Carly Munroe awoke Thursday morning to find a gift card for a dead mouse inside her slippers left by her cat, Mittens.
Early reports indicate that the 4-year-old shorthair returned to the apartment that the two share the night before with the redeemable token in her mouth. The 10-dollar gift card, the lowest denomination offered by La Mouseria, can be spent at any of the three lower mainland locations.
“I’m not offended. She’s just been so slammed lately because our neighbors installed a new bird feeder. So that’s taking up a lot of her time. I mean if she really didn’t care, she wouldn’t have gotten me anything at all, right?” Munroe rationalized while tightly clutching the custom-monogrammed leather collar she recently had made for Mittens.
‘Plus, with a gift card I can choose what kind of dead mouse I want. So in a way it’s actually really thoughtful,” added Munroe, who earlier that day had driven to four pet stores in search of a sufficiently squeaky rubber owl.
When reached for comment on her apparently growing detachment, Mittens was tight lipped, arching her back and darting behind the dresser.
This is only the latest instance of Mitten’s growing disregard for her owner. The month prior, Munroe awoke to find that the black pantsuit she had laid out the night before an important meeting was unmolested and entirely free of cat hair.
At press time, Mittens has seemingly extended an olive branch to her owner after crawling onto Munroe’s lap completely unbeckoned to blast hot cat vomit all over her leggings.


thebeaverton--2020-12-21--Ford calls for immediate action in 4 days

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford and his government is taking immediate action on a COVID-19 lockdown in the next @ @ @ @ @ was a difficult decision , but we ’ re swiftly acting within the week without @ @ @ @ @ Ford who still needed some time to finish holiday shopping for his family .
“ @ @ @ @ @ health care experts starting on December 26th at 12:01 AM.
” Businesses who have not @ @ @ @ @ months need more time to prepare , say Health Minister Christine Elliott .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ on a small business owner who is on life-support , metaphorically speaking , ” said @ @ @ @ @ , the premier said he will start testing international travellers at the airport if the @ @ @ @ @ it within the next decade .

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford and his government is taking immediate action on a COVID-19 lockdown in the next 96-120 hours.
“It was a difficult decision, but we’re swiftly acting within the week without ruining Christmas,” explained Ford who still needed some time to finish holiday shopping for his family. “I will listen to the health care experts starting on December 26th at 12:01 AM.”
Businesses who have not prepared for the past ten months need more time to prepare, say Health Minister Christine Elliott.
“I will not turn my back on a small business owner who is on life-support, metaphorically speaking,” said Elliott.
At press time, the premier said he will start testing international travellers at the airport if the feds don’t do it within the next decade.


thebeaverton--2020-12-21--Gingerbread-man trapped in gingerbread-house curses gingerbread-God

AURORA , ON – Early this morning , tiny whimpers were heard from a gingerbread-house as a gingerbread-man pleaded with his gingerbread-God to end his suffering .
“ Woe is me , that I labour each day without end .
I have no purpose , no greater cause .
I am a delicious husk of my former self , ” the little baked good weeped , icing streaming down onto his gumdrop buttons .
“ End it now gingerbread-God , I dare thee !
If ye know any mercy , then release me from my endless hardships !
” The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ weeks ago , haphazardly assembled by seven-year old twins and their exhausted mother who was just trying to fill an hour between online schooling and dinner .
Everyday since , he has known only abject misery .
“ I have watched my gingerbread-wife snatched away and consumed in three merciless bites , ” the gingerbread-man said , balling up his adorably small fists .
“ I ’ m just so angry that I keep punching the gingerbread-walls and now my house is a mess of crumbs .
As if I didn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m worried about mice.
” Surprisingly , the gingerbread-man was once a devotee of the word of gingerbread-God .
However , his loneliness of late coupled with the sweet ’ s turmoil over the state of the world has led him away from what he once considered a great source of comfort .
“ This vessel of sugar , butter , and molasses becomes wearier .
I grow more stale and brittle with each passing day , ” he paused looking down at the licorice floor .
“ I can ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , trapped inside this gingerbread-prison .
It does something unnatural to a cookie.
” At press time , the gingerbread-man began praying that his host family leave him out for Santa .

AURORA, ON – Early this morning, tiny whimpers were heard from a gingerbread-house as a gingerbread-man pleaded with his gingerbread-God to end his suffering.
“Woe is me, that I labour each day without end. I have no purpose, no greater cause. I am a delicious husk of my former self,” the little baked good weeped, icing streaming down onto his gumdrop buttons. “End it now gingerbread-God, I dare thee! If ye know any mercy, then release me from my endless hardships!”
The gingerbread-man entered this world a mere three weeks ago, haphazardly assembled by seven-year old twins and their exhausted mother who was just trying to fill an hour between online schooling and dinner. Everyday since, he has known only abject misery.
“I have watched my gingerbread-wife snatched away and consumed in three merciless bites,” the gingerbread-man said, balling up his adorably small fists. “I’m just so angry that I keep punching the gingerbread-walls and now my house is a mess of crumbs. As if I didn’t have enough on my mind, now I’m worried about mice.”
Surprisingly, the gingerbread-man was once a devotee of the word of gingerbread-God. However, his loneliness of late coupled with the sweet’s turmoil over the state of the world has led him away from what he once considered a great source of comfort.
“This vessel of sugar, butter, and molasses becomes wearier. I grow more stale and brittle with each passing day,” he paused looking down at the licorice floor. “I can’t just keep reliving the same day, trapped inside this gingerbread-prison. It does something unnatural to a cookie.”
At press time, the gingerbread-man began praying that his host family leave him out for Santa.


thebeaverton--2020-12-21--Conservatives discover police bad

Conservatives discover police bad

CALGARY – In the wake of Calgary police arresting , manhandling and threatening to taser a man for violating COVID regulations while playing hockey , the right wing was shocked to discover that police may be bad sometimes ?
“ Why did no one tell me the police are no good ?
” said Ezra Levant as he removed ‘ Blue Lives Matter ’ from his twitter bio .
“ Maybe I should start some kind of slogan or hashtag to raise awareness of this.
” “ Something like # ACAB – All cops are baddies.
” The revelation that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ minimal training and nearly no oversight often become abusive and/or dangerous has shaken the country ’ s disturbingly high number of far right media outlets to their very core .
“ Turns out cops don ’ t only get violent when enforcing the good laws , like ‘ no looting ’ or ‘ no driving a car that we think looks too nice for someone like you.
’ They also do it when enforcing the bad laws that infringe on our freedom to kill our grandparents , ” wrote Canada Proud .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just these two police officers specifically , ” asked The Post Millennial .
Under fire , the Calgary Police are really hoping an officer commits a racially motivated act of violence soon so they can win these vital constituents back to their side .

CALGARY – In the wake of Calgary police arresting, manhandling and threatening to taser a man for violating COVID regulations while playing hockey, the right wing was shocked to discover that police may be bad sometimes?
“Why did no one tell me the police are no good?” said Ezra Levant as he removed ‘Blue Lives Matter’ from his twitter bio. “Maybe I should start some kind of slogan or hashtag to raise awareness of this.”
“Something like #ACAB – All cops are baddies.”
The revelation that people given huge amounts of power with minimal training and nearly no oversight often become abusive and/or dangerous has shaken the country’s disturbingly high number of far right media outlets to their very core.
“Turns out cops don’t only get violent when enforcing the good laws, like ‘no looting’ or ‘no driving a car that we think looks too nice for someone like you.’ They also do it when enforcing the bad laws that infringe on our freedom to kill our grandparents,” wrote Canada Proud.
“Is there a way to only defund just these two police officers specifically,” asked The Post Millennial.
Under fire, the Calgary Police are really hoping an officer commits a racially motivated act of violence soon so they can win these vital constituents back to their side.


thebeaverton--2020-12-21--Nine perfect holiday gifts to show over video chat but never actually deliver

Whether it ’ s reduced income , unpredictable delivery times , or unexpected shipping expenses , the pandemic has been challenging for all of us looking for the perfect holiday gift or gifts !
With many families shifting to virtual holiday get-togethers this season , you ’ ll just have to get extra creative .
Here are seven awesome holiday gifts to show your family over video chat but never actually give to them .
• Cashmere or Alpaca Wool Socks A holiday classic !
Nice , warm socks will keep anyone cozy through the cold winter , and they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ next time you drop by the pharmacy with the post office .
You know , eventually .
• Bluetooth Speakers Your younger sibling who ’ s calling in from their dorm this year will love their new JBL Flip 5 or Sony XB12 standalone speaker !
These products are high quality and guaranteed to please ; you know because you set it up in your apartment to check that it works !
• 3000 Piece Puzzle You ’ ve been itching for a new puzzle , and with a little strategic “ forgetfullness @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the trick .
Make sure you gift wrap it : your mum will enjoy watching you open it for her on Zoom almost as much as she enjoys watching you unwrap the brand new MacBook Pro she quarantined two weeks to deliver to you .
• Puppy Awwwww , look at puppy ’ s cuddwy widdle fwuffy face !
This little furball will melt your heart so fast you ’ ll just HAVE to gaslight your sister ’ s kids into believing they imagined the fuzzy-wuzzy good boy you said you ’ d @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Games Games like Spider-Man : Miles Morales , Demon ’ s Souls , and Assassin ’ s Creed Valhalla are enough to get anyone excited , unless by chance they don ’ t have a PS5 .
Luckily you can show everyone how far you are in Far Cry 6 to distract from your 12 year old cousin ’ s temper tantrum , which you ’ ll all hear when their parents forget to mute their audio , not just their video .
• Monogrammed Bathrobe Yes , those are your initials instead @ @ @ @ @ @ @ accidents happen , haha !
You ’ ll look into the return policy and get back to him , promise .
• The long , heartfelt letter that you wrote , addressed and stamped The deadline for sending standard mail is when ?
Looks like reestablishing an emotionally honest and mutually supportive relationship with your father will have to wait another year .

A holiday classic! Nice, warm socks will keep anyone cozy through the cold winter , and they’ll be easy to mail the next time you drop by the pharmacy with the post office. You know, eventually.
Your younger sibling who’s calling in from their dorm this year will love their new JBL Flip 5 or Sony XB12 standalone speaker! These products are high quality and guaranteed to please; you know because you set it up in your apartment to check that it works!
You’ve been itching for a new puzzle, and with a little strategic “forgetfullness”, this one might just do the trick. Make sure you gift wrap it: your mum will enjoy watching you open it for her on Zoom almost as much as she enjoys watching you unwrap the brand new MacBook Pro she quarantined two weeks to deliver to you.


thebeaverton--2020-12-22--Trudeau announces stars of Schitt’s Creek can now commit any crime without penalty

OTTAWA – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has declared that , due to their incredible international success , Daniel and Eugene Levy , Catherine O ’ Hara and Annie Murphy , are no longer bound by the Canadian legal system .
“ Schitt ’ s Creek is more than just a sitcom , ” said Trudeau .
“ It is a thing that Canadians did , that Americans saw , and liked .
And for that reason , the Order of Canada seems insufficient for these superhumans.
” After the cast swept the Emmys ’ comedy acting awards , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s Entertainers of the Year , Parliament called an emergency session as legislators scrambled to figure out an appropriate way to honour the actors .
In the end , a motion to suspend the rule of law for these four people was passed unanimously .
“ We are excited to start committing some acts which would normally be crimes !
” said Daniel Levy .
“ Let ’ s see , I am going to start by commandeering a Reitmans and filling it with fashionable leather sweaters .
And I ’ m pretty @ @ @ @ @ @ @ arson.
” Eugene Levy said he appreciates the gesture by the federal government but ultimately found the ruling redundant .
Levy said that he has been taking advantage of his role as a Canadian national treasure for decades , and “ Has seen and done things that would give any normal criminal pause .
Mostly public masturbation.
” Although Drake and Celine Dion were both considered for this special honour at the height of their fame , no Canadian has been declared above the law since Dan Aykroyd in 1980 , the year @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I tried a lot of different crimes at first , ” said Aykroyd .
“ But after a while , I settled into poisoning people .
What do you think this drink I sell in a skull-shaped bottle is ?
”

OTTAWA – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has declared that, due to their incredible international success, Daniel and Eugene Levy, Catherine O’Hara and Annie Murphy, are no longer bound by the Canadian legal system.
“Schitt’s Creek is more than just a sitcom,” said Trudeau. “It is a thing that Canadians did, that Americans saw, and liked. And for that reason, the Order of Canada seems insufficient for these superhumans.”
After the cast swept the Emmys’ comedy acting awards, and the Levys were named Entertainment Weekly’s Entertainers of the Year, Parliament called an emergency session as legislators scrambled to figure out an appropriate way to honour the actors. In the end, a motion to suspend the rule of law for these four people was passed unanimously.
“We are excited to start committing some acts which would normally be crimes!” said Daniel Levy. “Let’s see, I am going to start by commandeering a Reitmans and filling it with fashionable leather sweaters. And I’m pretty sure Catherine has plans involving wigs and arson.”
Eugene Levy said he appreciates the gesture by the federal government but ultimately found the ruling redundant. Levy said that he has been taking advantage of his role as a Canadian national treasure for decades, and “Has seen and done things that would give any normal criminal pause. Mostly public masturbation.”
Although Drake and Celine Dion were both considered for this special honour at the height of their fame, no Canadian has been declared above the law since Dan Aykroyd in 1980, the year the Blues Brothers film was released.
“I tried a lot of different crimes at first,” said Aykroyd. “But after a while, I settled into poisoning people. What do you think this drink I sell in a skull-shaped bottle is?”


thebeaverton--2020-12-22--Local woman dies from blood loss after flossing for first time in 4 years

CALGARY – Mabel Doyle , a 24 year old graphic designer bled out in her apartment last Wednesday after attempting to floss for the first time in four years .
“ I ’ m the one who found her ” , said Doyle ’ s roommate , Claire Cannon , holding a newly purchased Waterpik .
“ She had just mentioned she watched an episode of Queer Eye and wanted to better herself , next thing I knew , blood was gushing out of her gums like she was flossing with a chainsaw and not a milimeter long nylon string.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Dr. Marlon Reid , claimed to have warned her multiple times .
He stated : “ People think they bleed during their visits because I stab around in there with my little tools , but it ’ s actually because , like Mabel , people don ’ t floss enough.
” When asked how to avoid bleeding when flossing , Dr. Reid replied , “ flossing will help avoid bleeding.
” Then , it was pointed out to Reid that flossing causes the bleeding .
And he was all like , “ yeah @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Then we hung up on him .
Doyle leaves behind her Father , Geoffrey Doyle , a retired vet .
“ In my family , we got gums like tissue paper .
It ’ s how my mum went .
Her gingivitis spread to her heart .
If only I ’ d been there to tell Mabel NEVER to touch a piece of floss , she ’ d still be with me.
” Geoffrey Doyle will be speaking at tomorrow ’ s rally of Father ’ s Against Dental Diseases , ( or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I don ’ t understand why she couldn ’ t just do what we all do , ” added Cannon .
“ Don ’ t floss all year , then half-assedly do it before your dentist appointment so you don ’ t feel like you ’ re lying to your dentist .
Mabel will be buried in the Queen ’ s Park Cemetery next to her mother , Cecelia Doyle who passed away 6 years ago after sticking a Q-tip way too far into her ear that she touched her brain @

CALGARY – Mabel Doyle, a 24 year old graphic designer bled out in her apartment last Wednesday after attempting to floss for the first time in four years.
“I’m the one who found her”, said Doyle’s roommate, Claire Cannon, holding a newly purchased Waterpik. “She had just mentioned she watched an episode of Queer Eye and wanted to better herself, next thing I knew, blood was gushing out of her gums like she was flossing with a chainsaw and not a milimeter long nylon string.”
When contacted, her dentist, Dr. Marlon Reid, claimed to have warned her multiple times. He stated: “People think they bleed during their visits because I stab around in there with my little tools, but it’s actually because, like Mabel, people don’t floss enough.” When asked how to avoid bleeding when flossing, Dr. Reid replied, “flossing will help avoid bleeding.” Then, it was pointed out to Reid that flossing causes the bleeding. And he was all like, “yeah but flossing also prevents the bleeding.” Then we hung up on him.
Doyle leaves behind her Father, Geoffrey Doyle, a retired vet. “In my family, we got gums like tissue paper. It’s how my mum went. Her gingivitis spread to her heart. If only I’d been there to tell Mabel NEVER to touch a piece of floss, she’d still be with me.” Geoffrey Doyle will be speaking at tomorrow’s rally of Father’s Against Dental Diseases, (or FADD) tomorrow afternoon at Confederation Park.
“I don’t understand why she couldn’t just do what we all do,” added Cannon. “Don’t floss all year, then half-assedly do it before your dentist appointment so you don’t feel like you’re lying to your dentist.
Mabel will be buried in the Queen’s Park Cemetery next to her mother, Cecelia Doyle who passed away 6 years ago after sticking a Q-tip way too far into her ear that she touched her brain.


thebeaverton--2020-12-22--Canada blocks travel from the U.K about 500 years too late

OTTAWA – Canadian officials have announced a suspension of travel from the United Kingdom due to safety concerns of people living on this land , approximately 500 years too late .
“ With this new strand of disease , we can not in good conscience allow people from the United Kingdoms to come to this land and spread devastation.
” A federal government spokesperson told the press in the year 2020 and not , oh say , 1500 , when British people were starting to become a big issue .
The reason stated for the ban was the new strain @ @ @ @ @ @ @ than its predecessor .
A big move containing a modern pandemic , and a policy notably not implemented when smallpox was a problem .
“ If we had just done this a bit earlier we could have prevented the U.K ’ s role in the Tsilhqot ’ in war , or the hanging of Louis Riel , ” lamented critic Lorne Jackson .
“ But honestly it ’ s still a good move .
Hope it ’ s permanent.
” Experts agree that had Canada taken decisive action to stop the infection of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , we would have seen far fewer conflicts , wars and visits from an old lady with a handbag who expects everyone to kiss her ass .

OTTAWA – Canadian officials have announced a suspension of travel from the United Kingdom due to safety concerns of people living on this land, approximately 500 years too late.
“With this new strand of disease, we cannot in good conscience allow people from the United Kingdoms to come to this land and spread devastation.” A federal government spokesperson told the press in the year 2020 and not, oh say, 1500, when British people were starting to become a big issue.
The reason stated for the ban was the new strain of the novel coronavirus that spreads faster than its predecessor. A big move containing a modern pandemic, and a policy notably not implemented when smallpox was a problem.
“If we had just done this a bit earlier we could have prevented the U.K’s role in the Tsilhqot’in war, or the hanging of Louis Riel,” lamented critic Lorne Jackson. “But honestly it’s still a good move. Hope it’s permanent.”
Experts agree that had Canada taken decisive action to stop the infection of people who pronounce mom ‘mum’, we would have seen far fewer conflicts, wars and visits from an old lady with a handbag who expects everyone to kiss her ass.


thebeaverton--2020-12-22--Local Jewish family concerned whether Chinese restaurants will be open for Christmas

THORNHILL , ON – With Ontario set to enter another lockdown this week , a local Jewish family is concerned about the pandemic ’ s potential impact on one of Judaism ’ s most cherished Christmas customs : eating at a Chinese restaurant .
Rebecca Friedmann , the family matriarch , explained that her family has been patronizing Chinese restaurants on Christmas Day ever since she was little .
“ Except for that one year I tried dating a gentile , but we don ’ t talk about that , ” she said .
“ It was my experimental phase.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Christmas Day is a sacred Jewish tradition , Mrs. Friedmann explained .
“ It ’ s in the Torah .
Genesis 30:11 – then Leah said , ‘ What good fortune cookies !
’ ” Mrs. Friedmann went on to detail Chinese food ’ s significance in the Jewish religion .
“ Our people didn ’ t cross the Red Sea into Asia just to never be able to eat dim sum , ” she said .
“ What can I say ?
We walked through the ocean , we developed a taste @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , preventing the chosen people from eating their chosen cuisine is an attack on religious freedoms .
“ The US Supreme Court just ruled that it ’ s unconstitutional to prevent people from gathering in houses of worship , and frankly , I think that applies here.
” When asked if takeout could be an alternative , Mrs. Friedmann sighed .
“ We ’ re trying to avoid that .
How am I supposed to explain to my youngest that Santa doesn ’ t deliver to our house , but Mr. Chang does @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the Mensch on a Bench .
Don ’ t make me ruin this for him , too.
” After such a difficult year , Mrs. Friedmann explained , it ’ s important for her kids to be able to let loose and enjoy the one day a year she allows them to eat shellfish .
“ We ’ ve had to miss out on so much this year , ” she said sadly .
“ My niece Barbara ’ s bat mitzvah , my cousin Barbara ’ s wedding , my aunt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ allowed to celebrate just this once.
” When asked about the other famous component of Jewish Christmas – going to the movies – Mrs. Friedmann replied , “ Oi vey , enough with the kvetching already .
We have movies at home .
”

THORNHILL, ON – With Ontario set to enter another lockdown this week, a local Jewish family is concerned about the pandemic’s potential impact on one of Judaism’s most cherished Christmas customs: eating at a Chinese restaurant.
Rebecca Friedmann, the family matriarch, explained that her family has been patronizing Chinese restaurants on Christmas Day ever since she was little. “Except for that one year I tried dating a gentile, but we don’t talk about that,” she said. “It was my experimental phase.”
Eating at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas Day is a sacred Jewish tradition, Mrs. Friedmann explained. “It’s in the Torah. Genesis 30:11 – then Leah said, ‘What good fortune cookies!’”
Mrs. Friedmann went on to detail Chinese food’s significance in the Jewish religion. “Our people didn’t cross the Red Sea into Asia just to never be able to eat dim sum,” she said. “What can I say? We walked through the ocean, we developed a taste for shrimp.”
According to Mrs. Friedmann, preventing the chosen people from eating their chosen cuisine is an attack on religious freedoms. “The US Supreme Court just ruled that it’s unconstitutional to prevent people from gathering in houses of worship, and frankly, I think that applies here.”
When asked if takeout could be an alternative, Mrs. Friedmann sighed. “We’re trying to avoid that. How am I supposed to explain to my youngest that Santa doesn’t deliver to our house, but Mr. Chang does? He’s already losing faith in the Mensch on a Bench. Don’t make me ruin this for him, too.”
After such a difficult year, Mrs. Friedmann explained, it’s important for her kids to be able to let loose and enjoy the one day a year she allows them to eat shellfish. “We’ve had to miss out on so much this year,” she said sadly. “My niece Barbara’s bat mitzvah, my cousin Barbara’s wedding, my aunt Barbara’s funeral… we should be allowed to celebrate just this once.”
When asked about the other famous component of Jewish Christmas – going to the movies – Mrs. Friedmann replied, “Oi vey, enough with the kvetching already. We have movies at home.”


thebeaverton--2020-12-23--RCMP warns of increased sectarian violence ahead of NHL’s new All-Canadian division

OTTAWA , ON – The RCMP has issued a Media Advisory warning Canadians of an increase in bloodshed , property damage and general assholery due to the NHL ’ s creation of an All-Canadian division , the North Division .
Since the pandemic has closed the border between Canada and the US to non-essential travel , the Canadian teams have been grouped together into a single public-risk nightmare division .
The intensified competition between Canadian fanbases is sure to spill over onto social media , and inevitably onto the streets , cautions the RCMP .
“ Take the Battle of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , because that ’ s how many Canadian teams there are , ” said Cst .
Abe Zalapski .
“ Quebec and Alberta already don ’ t get along so imagine what happens if Calgary knocks Montreal out of playoff contention ?
Or Ottawa beats anybody ?
There will be fury and riots .
Worst-case scenario : If the Leafs win the division , it will make those “ Toronto vs Everybody ” t-shirts literal .
Can the rest of Canada hate Toronto even more than they already do ?
You ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve already asked the government to restrict domestic flights and sales of Coors Light.
” Tensions between provinces have been building over a variety of political disputes in recent years and concerns about pouring the vinegar of hockey onto the baking soda of Canadian politics are very real .
Internal reports suggest that the RCMP task force assigned to this is twice the size of their COVID response team , roughly eight people .
Meanwhile , Maritime provinces are preparing to accept refugees from hockey-torn provinces .
Already , the public ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Jets have to put up with any bull this season , I will personally drive up and down the T-Can and start popping chiclets with my fists , ” warned Winnipeg belligerent Belf Piché .
“ The RCMP has spent decades trying to prevent this exact scenario .
The Habs and Leafs have been in the same division for over 20 years .
You think it ’ s an accident they haven ’ t met in the playoffs since then ?
” explained Zalapski .

OTTAWA, ON – The RCMP has issued a Media Advisory warning Canadians of an increase in bloodshed, property damage and general assholery due to the NHL’s creation of an All-Canadian division, the North Division. Since the pandemic has closed the border between Canada and the US to non-essential travel, the Canadian teams have been grouped together into a single public-risk nightmare division. The intensified competition between Canadian fanbases is sure to spill over onto social media, and inevitably onto the streets, cautions the RCMP.
“Take the Battle of Alberta and then multiply it by seven, because that’s how many Canadian teams there are,” said Cst. Abe Zalapski. “Quebec and Alberta already don’t get along so imagine what happens if Calgary knocks Montreal out of playoff contention? Or Ottawa beats anybody? There will be fury and riots. Worst-case scenario: If the Leafs win the division, it will make those “Toronto vs Everybody” t-shirts literal. Can the rest of Canada hate Toronto even more than they already do? You’ll find out in a hurry. We’ve already asked the government to restrict domestic flights and sales of Coors Light.”
Tensions between provinces have been building over a variety of political disputes in recent years and concerns about pouring the vinegar of hockey onto the baking soda of Canadian politics are very real. Internal reports suggest that the RCMP task force assigned to this is twice the size of their COVID response team, roughly eight people. Meanwhile, Maritime provinces are preparing to accept refugees from hockey-torn provinces.
Already, the public’s ire is building. “If the Jets have to put up with any bull this season, I will personally drive up and down the T-Can and start popping chiclets with my fists,” warned Winnipeg belligerent Belf Piché.
“The RCMP has spent decades trying to prevent this exact scenario. The Habs and Leafs have been in the same division for over 20 years. You think it’s an accident they haven’t met in the playoffs since then?” explained Zalapski.


thebeaverton--2020-12-24--Ghost of Christmas Future-Perfect tells man everything he will have done wrong

VANCOUVER – In a surprising twist on an old holiday tradition , 33-year-old Artem Brasso found himself visited by more than just the classic three Christmas spirits this Christmas Eve .
Shortly after the Ghost of Christmas Present departed at 2:52 AM on December 24th , Brasso reported hearing a nasally voice intone , “ By 2:54 , I will have arrived.
” The apparition indeed manifested at the aforementioned time , and introduced himself as the Ghost of Christmas Future-Perfect .
He then went on to state that he was there to show Brasso all the mistakes he will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ life .
“ It all seemed weirdly specific , ” remembers Brasso .
The Ghost proceeded to inform Brasso of the errors he will make in the future , all with explicitly stated deadlines .
Among other things , he stated that Brasso will have broken up with his girlfriend after receiving his Christmas gift from her ( but before returning the favour ) , eaten all the gluten-free stuffing by the end of his family holiday dinner ( despite his brother , who suffers from Celiac disease , only having a single @ @ @ @ @ @ @ disparaging remarks about the Ghost of Christmas Future-Perfect himself by the time the hour was up .
“ He seemed to have a real stick up his ass , ” Brasso mused .
When Brasso suggested to the ghost that there was not much difference between this spirit and the Ghost of Christmas Future , the ghost became irate .
He reportedly yelled something about any old spirit being able to predict the future but it being less than helpful without a specific time frame attached .
Brasso said he was relieved when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 2:58 , though this proved to be a temporary feeling as the Ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Continuous arrived at 2:59 .

VANCOUVER – In a surprising twist on an old holiday tradition, 33-year-old Artem Brasso found himself visited by more than just the classic three Christmas spirits this Christmas Eve.
Shortly after the Ghost of Christmas Present departed at 2:52 AM on December 24th, Brasso reported hearing a nasally voice intone, “By 2:54, I will have arrived.”
The apparition indeed manifested at the aforementioned time, and introduced himself as the Ghost of Christmas Future-Perfect. He then went on to state that he was there to show Brasso all the mistakes he will have made before definitive points in his life. “It all seemed weirdly specific,” remembers Brasso.
The Ghost proceeded to inform Brasso of the errors he will make in the future, all with explicitly stated deadlines. Among other things, he stated that Brasso will have broken up with his girlfriend after receiving his Christmas gift from her (but before returning the favour), eaten all the gluten-free stuffing by the end of his family holiday dinner (despite his brother, who suffers from Celiac disease, only having a single serving), and texted several friends disparaging remarks about the Ghost of Christmas Future-Perfect himself by the time the hour was up.
“He seemed to have a real stick up his ass,” Brasso mused. When Brasso suggested to the ghost that there was not much difference between this spirit and the Ghost of Christmas Future, the ghost became irate. He reportedly yelled something about any old spirit being able to predict the future but it being less than helpful without a specific time frame attached.
Brasso said he was relieved when the ghost began to fade away at 2:58, though this proved to be a temporary feeling as the Ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Continuous arrived at 2:59.