thebeaverton--2020-03-12--CDC urges Americans to stay safe by doing opposite of everything Trump says

ATLANTA , GA — Following a televised White House address , the Centers For Disease Control is urging Americans to take precautions against the COVID-19 virus by studying President Trump ’ s instructions and then doing literally the opposite of every one of them .
“ The President ’ s address was remarkably succinct in terms of how this virus should be addressed ” , explained head CDC virologist Dr. Liam Zhang , “ provided viewers take each and every word he said and flip it upside down .
At that point , it becomes legit great advice.
” Zhang @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that insurance companies would pay for Coronavirus-related claims as one example .
“ That was a great piece of opposite advice , seeing as how the Insurance Companies have announced no such plans .
Observant Americans should note that they will need to pay out of pocket for any and all COVID-19-related illnesses , and use that as justification for even more extreme caution.
” Other opposite advice Dr. Zhang noted in the President ’ s televised address included : the immediately-amended European travel ban ( “ Yeah , it doesn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ President ’ s insistence that testing kits were widely available ( “ Not sure if this was a mistake or a lie , either way they ’ re not ” ) ; and finally Trump ’ s insistence on labelling COVID-19 as a “ foreign virus ” ( “ It ’ s an American virus now , so please wash your hands ” ) .
“ Statistically , it should be impossible for someone to be this perfectly incorrect about every detail of an issue so complex , ” Dr. Zhang explained .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ than horrified.
” CDC officials have reportedly urged the president to deliver another speech where he tells Americans to never wash their hands , attend as many public gatherings as possible , and show up to work even when feeling sick .
Beyond just the president ’ s nearly fact-free prime time address , Zhang points out that Trump ’ s entire way of life represents a handy “ What Not To Do ” guide for those concerned about contracting coronavirus .
“ I mean , he ’ s a senior citizen in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ flying around the country to shake hands with strangers gathered in large arenas , ” Zhang listed .
“ Like I said before , just write down every single thing Trump does , and then do the precise opposite of that.
” “ Oh , and be sure to eat vitamin C as opposed to processed McDonalds food .
Almost forgot that one , ” Zhang hastily added , before returning to coordinating the CDC ’ s pandemic response .
At press time , President Trump was tweeting that Americans should avoid getting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ many public surfaces as possible and sticking their hands into the mouths of strangers .

ATLANTA, GA — Following a televised White House address, the Centers For Disease Control is urging Americans to take precautions against the COVID-19 virus by studying President Trump’s instructions and then doing literally the opposite of every one of them.
“The President’s address was remarkably succinct in terms of how this virus should be addressed”, explained head CDC virologist Dr. Liam Zhang, “provided viewers take each and every word he said and flip it upside down. At that point, it becomes legit great advice.”
Zhang pointed to Trump’s televised insistence that insurance companies would pay for Coronavirus-related claims as one example. “That was a great piece of opposite advice, seeing as how the Insurance Companies have announced no such plans. Observant Americans should note that they will need to pay out of pocket for any and all COVID-19-related illnesses, and use that as justification for even more extreme caution.”
“Great backwards work, Mister President,” Zhang remarked.
Other opposite advice Dr. Zhang noted in the President’s televised address included: the immediately-amended European travel ban (“Yeah, it doesn’t work that way”); the President’s insistence that testing kits were widely available (“Not sure if this was a mistake or a lie, either way they’re not”); and finally Trump’s insistence on labelling COVID-19 as a “foreign virus” (“It’s an American virus now, so please wash your hands”).
“Statistically, it should be impossible for someone to be this perfectly incorrect about every detail of an issue so complex,” Dr. Zhang explained. “I’m actually more impressed than horrified.”
CDC officials have reportedly urged the president to deliver another speech where he tells Americans to never wash their hands, attend as many public gatherings as possible, and show up to work even when feeling sick.
Beyond just the president’s nearly fact-free prime time address, Zhang points out that Trump’s entire way of life represents a handy “What Not To Do” guide for those concerned about contracting coronavirus.
“I mean, he’s a senior citizen in poor health who ignores experts and keeps flying around the country to shake hands with strangers gathered in large arenas,” Zhang listed. “Like I said before, just write down every single thing Trump does, and then do the precise opposite of that.”
“Oh, and be sure to eat vitamin C as opposed to processed McDonalds food. Almost forgot that one,” Zhang hastily added, before returning to coordinating the CDC’s pandemic response.
At press time, President Trump was tweeting that Americans should avoid getting “coronary virus” by licking as many public surfaces as possible and sticking their hands into the mouths of strangers.


thebeaverton--2020-03-11--Notorious hot air balloon thief’s getaway foiled by gentle breeze

LETHBRIDGE , AB – The infamous ‘ Basket Bandit , ’ scourge of the dirigible community , was finally caught today when his attempt to abscond with a large rainbow balloon was thwarted by a gentle breath of warm wind from the west .
“ I curse the Chinook !
” the bandit , whose real name is James Turner , shouted as he was taken into custody by Detective Beatrix Lamar .
“ My plan was foolproof , it would ’ ve been the perfect crime !
The perfect crime !
If these things could , you know , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Detective Lamar , the head of Lethbridge ’ s Hot Air Balloon and Blimp Crime Squad , has been chasing Turner since he first burst onto the balloon theft scene with the storied RE/MAX heist of 2005 .
That theft shook the ballooning world , inspiring numerous copycats and a noticeable uptick in attempted balloonjackings and sky piracy , the majority of which thankfully failed due to steering difficulties .
“ His capture was the result of teamwork , experience , and the fact that balloons pretty much just go wherever the air @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ This current happened to take him right above our police station.
” “ This is a big win for justice , and for me personally , ” said Lamar .
“ We ’ ve been playing a psychological game of cat-and-mouse for years .
I can ’ t tell you how many ballooners I ’ ve brought in for questioning , how many I ’ ve put away on charges of basket or burner infractions in the hopes that one of them might be him .
And still , every year @ @ @ @ @ @ @ taunt me on my birthday by sending me a bouquet of balloons.
” “ Now , thankfully , this era of slow , cloud hopping lawlessness is finally over.
” At press time , Turner had somehow obtained a pair of roller skates and was slowly attempting to escape from police custody by skating up a steep hill .

LETHBRIDGE, AB – The infamous ‘Basket Bandit,’ scourge of the dirigible community, was finally caught today when his attempt to abscond with a large rainbow balloon was thwarted by a gentle breath of warm wind from the west.
“I curse the Chinook!” the bandit, whose real name is James Turner, shouted as he was taken into custody by Detective Beatrix Lamar. “My plan was foolproof, it would’ve been the perfect crime! The perfect crime! If these things could, you know, go where you want them to.”
Detective Lamar, the head of Lethbridge’s Hot Air Balloon and Blimp Crime Squad, has been chasing Turner since he first burst onto the balloon theft scene with the storied RE/MAX heist of 2005. That theft shook the ballooning world, inspiring numerous copycats and a noticeable uptick in attempted balloonjackings and sky piracy, the majority of which thankfully failed due to steering difficulties.
“His capture was the result of teamwork, experience, and the fact that balloons pretty much just go wherever the air currents take them,” Lamar explained. “This current happened to take him right above our police station.”
“This is a big win for justice, and for me personally,” said Lamar. “We’ve been playing a psychological game of cat-and-mouse for years. I can’t tell you how many ballooners I’ve brought in for questioning, how many I’ve put away on charges of basket or burner infractions in the hopes that one of them might be him. And still, every year, like clockwork, he’d taunt me on my birthday by sending me a bouquet of balloons.”
“Now, thankfully, this era of slow, cloud hopping lawlessness is finally over.”
At press time, Turner had somehow obtained a pair of roller skates and was slowly attempting to escape from police custody by skating up a steep hill.


thebeaverton--2020-03-13--Breaking: All the news happening all at once

EARTH – According to reports from every single human being ’ s television , social media and worried mothers , all the news is currently happening right now .
“ I took a 10 minute shower and when I got out , I had about 8000 breaking news alerts , ” said Alberta resident Marilyn Dupont .
“ By the time I finished clearing those , the Prime Minister was in quarantine and every single event I was supposed to go to in the next 4 months had been cancelled.
” Though there have been many busy news days before @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time Rob Ford said “ I ’ ve got more than enough to eat at home ” in reference to cunnilingus ) never before has there been a 24-hour period where everything that could happen did happen .
“ Breaking News : the NBA and NHL have suspended play !
But first more breaking news Donald Trump suppressed coronavirus tests to help his re-election !
And breaking news the Dow Jones is plummeting !
But first Breaking : all schools are closed !
And even more breaking than the last breaking news the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that and more after the Breaking News that Parliament is suspended !
!
!
” said CBC anchor Ian Hanomansing before collapsing in exhaustion .
While researchers at Health Canada warn Canadians to take basic precautions against the covid-19 outbreak , they warn even more strongly about the human brain ’ s capacity to absorb breaking news at such an accelerated rate .
“ Our synapses can only take so much , ” explained Dr. Melinda Kapoor , of Health Canada .
“ We ’ ve only evolved to parse out so much @ @ @ @ @ @ @ natural disaster , or that time all the celebrities took a selfie together at the Oscars .
But the information overload we ’ re seeing right now could very well lead to cases of rage paralysis , sphincter clenching , or SPB ( Spontaneous Brain Melt ) .
” Dr. Kapoor continued , “ If Canadians experience any of these breaking news-related symptoms , please lie down on the couch and watch Netflix ’ s “ Love Is Blind ” until the feeling subsides.
” In related news , during the time you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had sunk into the sea , probably .

EARTH – According to reports from every single human being’s television, social media and worried mothers, all the news is currently happening right now.
“I took a 10 minute shower and when I got out, I had about 8000 breaking news alerts,” said Alberta resident Marilyn Dupont. “By the time I finished clearing those, the Prime Minister was in quarantine and every single event I was supposed to go to in the next 4 months had been cancelled.”
Though there have been many busy news days before (9/11, Pearl Harbour, that time Rob Ford said “I’ve got more than enough to eat at home” in reference to cunnilingus) never before has there been a 24-hour period where everything that could happen did happen.
“Breaking News: the NBA and NHL have suspended play! But first more breaking news Donald Trump suppressed coronavirus tests to help his re-election! And breaking news the Dow Jones is plummeting! But first Breaking: all schools are closed! And even more breaking than the last breaking news the President of Brazil has coronavirus! All that and more after the Breaking News that Parliament is suspended!!!” said CBC anchor Ian Hanomansing before collapsing in exhaustion.
While researchers at Health Canada warn Canadians to take basic precautions against the covid-19 outbreak, they warn even more strongly about the human brain’s capacity to absorb breaking news at such an accelerated rate.
“Our synapses can only take so much,” explained Dr. Melinda Kapoor, of Health Canada. “We’ve only evolved to parse out so much information at one time, like a natural disaster, or that time all the celebrities took a selfie together at the Oscars. But the information overload we’re seeing right now could very well lead to cases of rage paralysis, sphincter clenching, or SPB (Spontaneous Brain Melt).”
Dr. Kapoor continued, “If Canadians experience any of these breaking news-related symptoms, please lie down on the couch and watch Netflix’s “Love Is Blind” until the feeling subsides.”
In related news, during the time you were reading this article the United Kingdom had sunk into the sea, probably.


thebeaverton--2020-03-14--Dogs cleared by WHO to resume eating single piece of spaghetti until they kiss

GENEVA , SWITZERLAND – After months of uncertainty about their susceptibility to COVID-19 , the World Health Organization announced that dogs could resume eating a single piece of spaghetti until they share a little smooch .
Canines around the world have been struggling with social distancing due to early tests that seemed to show they could be infected by the novel coronavirus .
This resulted in sweeping cancellations of candlelit dinners behind restaurants for fancy dogs , as well as mutts .
Restaurant owners were told to sit the dogs separately for the safety of the animals and the humans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ adorable pooches from gently nudging meatballs with their noses from one plate to another .
“ We had a [ dog ] couple come here the other week , ” said Giuseppe Urbani , proprietor of Gio Trattoria .
“ You could tell that despite the vast differences in the way they were raised they clearly liked each other .
So it broke our hearts to have to throw two little piles of scraps behind the dumpster instead of serving them a white tablecloth dinner.
” However since dogs are not great hosts @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to blossom once again .
Kindly small town restaurateurs can serve dogs anything from spaghetti and meatballs to cartoonishly giant hocks of ham .
Many proprietors are relieved to welcome back the revenue stream as cities go into lockdown across the world .
“ The dogs usually don ’ t have any money , but they pay for the meals with a little wag of their tails .
I just hope that ’ s enough to keep the lights on , ” concluded Urbani .
Despite pups now cleared to travel and go @ @ @ @ @ @ @ encouraging them to make sure to wash their paws frequently , especially after coming into contact with human beings .

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – After months of uncertainty about their susceptibility to COVID-19, the World Health Organization announced that dogs could resume eating a single piece of spaghetti until they share a little smooch.
Canines around the world have been struggling with social distancing due to early tests that seemed to show they could be infected by the novel coronavirus. This resulted in sweeping cancellations of candlelit dinners behind restaurants for fancy dogs, as well as mutts.
Restaurant owners were told to sit the dogs separately for the safety of the animals and the humans around them. And to prevent the adorable pooches from gently nudging meatballs with their noses from one plate to another.
“We had a [dog] couple come here the other week,” said Giuseppe Urbani, proprietor of Gio Trattoria. “You could tell that despite the vast differences in the way they were raised they clearly liked each other. So it broke our hearts to have to throw two little piles of scraps behind the dumpster instead of serving them a white tablecloth dinner.”
However since dogs are not great hosts to the virus, romance is free to blossom once again. Kindly small town restaurateurs can serve dogs anything from spaghetti and meatballs to cartoonishly giant hocks of ham. Many proprietors are relieved to welcome back the revenue stream as cities go into lockdown across the world. “The dogs usually don’t have any money, but they pay for the meals with a little wag of their tails. I just hope that’s enough to keep the lights on,” concluded Urbani.
Despite pups now cleared to travel and go on adventures, the WHO is still encouraging them to make sure to wash their paws frequently, especially after coming into contact with human beings.


thebeaverton--2020-03-15--“If we stop living our lives, the virus wins!” explains local hugger

VANCOUVER – Local hugger and long handshake enthusiast Shawn Tyler is encouraging people to ignore the advice of the medical establishment and hold fast to their ideals , and more importantly , hold fast to each other to cope with the current pandemic .
“ This is not the time for us to be avoiding each other , ” he said , touching everyone in his path as he forced his way through a crowded bar to his favourite table .
“ The only way we ’ re going to beat this thing is by coming together , physically , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who is widely known for standing excruciatingly close to the person he ’ s talking to , believes that the mainstream media is overblowing the danger posed by COVID-19 and that the best way to show the coronavirus that humanity is not afraid is by having even more physical contact with each other than before .
“ I ’ m a hugger , it ’ s who I am .
I ’ ve never let anything stop me from hugging .
I ’ ve hugged hundreds of people while I was sick before @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all fine afterwards , ” Tyler said after aggressively embracing a woman he thought was the wife of his old college roommate but who turned out to be an absolute stranger .
Tyler ’ s neighbours and acquaintances were saddened to learn that the pandemic wasn ’ t changing Tyler ’ s behaviour , with several expressing disbelief that not even the threat of death to others or himself was enough to finally get him to stop touching other people .
“ He ’ s still doing that ?
I guess I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know , not that surprised , ” one neighbour said .
“ The man has no personal boundaries and no self-awareness .
And it ’ s especially unfortunate , given the pandemic , that the only people who are fast enough to avoid him are the young and healthy.
” “ If we show fear , the virus will pounce .
Viruses are a lot like bears , actually , ” Tyler explained while tightly holding the wrist of a visibly uncomfortable waitress who was politely , and futilely , waiting for a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a virus who ’ s boss .
I ’ m not gon na let something I can ’ t even see keep me from living my life .
If anything , changing the way I live is disrespectful to everyone who ’ s already died from this .
I ’ m living for them.
” At press time , Tyler had a fever and was trying to explain to everyone on a packed bus that his dry cough must be from a heretofore unknown allergy .

VANCOUVER – Local hugger and long handshake enthusiast Shawn Tyler is encouraging people to ignore the advice of the medical establishment and hold fast to their ideals, and more importantly, hold fast to each other to cope with the current pandemic.
“This is not the time for us to be avoiding each other,” he said, touching everyone in his path as he forced his way through a crowded bar to his favourite table. “The only way we’re going to beat this thing is by coming together, physically, to support each other.”
Tyler, who is widely known for standing excruciatingly close to the person he’s talking to, believes that the mainstream media is overblowing the danger posed by COVID-19 and that the best way to show the coronavirus that humanity is not afraid is by having even more physical contact with each other than before.
“I’m a hugger, it’s who I am. I’ve never let anything stop me from hugging. I’ve hugged hundreds of people while I was sick before and I’m certain they were all fine afterwards,” Tyler said after aggressively embracing a woman he thought was the wife of his old college roommate but who turned out to be an absolute stranger.
Tyler’s neighbours and acquaintances were saddened to learn that the pandemic wasn’t changing Tyler’s behaviour, with several expressing disbelief that not even the threat of death to others or himself was enough to finally get him to stop touching other people.
“He’s still doing that? I guess I’m surprised, but also, you know, not that surprised,” one neighbour said. “The man has no personal boundaries and no self-awareness. And it’s especially unfortunate, given the pandemic, that the only people who are fast enough to avoid him are the young and healthy.”
“If we show fear, the virus will pounce. Viruses are a lot like bears, actually,” Tyler explained while tightly holding the wrist of a visibly uncomfortable waitress who was politely, and futilely, waiting for a tip. “You gotta show a virus who’s boss. I’m not gonna let something I can’t even see keep me from living my life. If anything, changing the way I live is disrespectful to everyone who’s already died from this. I’m living for them.”
At press time, Tyler had a fever and was trying to explain to everyone on a packed bus that his dry cough must be from a heretofore unknown allergy.


thebeaverton--2020-03-16--Man on week-long social media break wonders why no one is at this awesome buffet

NEWMARKET , ON – Jeremy Philips , a health and wellness expert in Toronto , has celebrated a week-long social media break by visiting Ralph ’ s All-You-Can-Plate only to find it empty .
“ I can ’ t believe how dead it is in here , ” said Philips , wolfing down a plate of deep-fried shrimp which didn ’ t have metal tongs available in the bin they were presented .
“ There are so many different options and yet so few people are here to take advantage !
Even the staff seemed surprised I was here , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ buffet for anything !
” On his third trip through the oddly-deserted lineup Philips stopped at the smoked salmon .
“ You can ’ t make a good lox bagel without getting your hands dirty , ” exclaimed the eager customer as he rolled up his sleeves , ducked under the sneeze guard , and dug his hands into the smoked salmon , spilling some into the vat of ribs next to it .
On his 5th trip through the buffet Philips encountered a young child with a runny nose who he offered @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m all about reducing waste , so why use a disposable tissue when I can just wash this reusable one when I get home , ” stated Philips , placing the handkerchief back in his pocket .
The professional health and wellness expert was so thrilled by his experience that he offered the restaurant ’ s staff a hearty handshake , which the staff strongly abjectly refused .
“ A little rude , but I guess some people are just raised differently , ” mused Philips as he coughed the last bit @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into the air , causing an employee to recoil and close the restaurant early behind him .
Philips also reports he can ’ t wait to get home and check on some of the stocks he invested in early this week .
“ The market doesn ’ t change that much over a week and honestly , what ’ s the worst that could happen ?
”

NEWMARKET, ON – Jeremy Philips, a health and wellness expert in Toronto, has celebrated a week-long social media break by visiting Ralph’s All-You-Can-Plate only to find it empty.
“I can’t believe how dead it is in here,” said Philips, wolfing down a plate of deep-fried shrimp which didn’t have metal tongs available in the bin they were presented. “There are so many different options and yet so few people are here to take advantage! Even the staff seemed surprised I was here, as if I would miss an awesome buffet for anything!”
On his third trip through the oddly-deserted lineup Philips stopped at the smoked salmon. “You can’t make a good lox bagel without getting your hands dirty,” exclaimed the eager customer as he rolled up his sleeves, ducked under the sneeze guard, and dug his hands into the smoked salmon, spilling some into the vat of ribs next to it.
On his 5th trip through the buffet Philips encountered a young child with a runny nose who he offered his personal handkerchief to. “I’m all about reducing waste, so why use a disposable tissue when I can just wash this reusable one when I get home,” stated Philips, placing the handkerchief back in his pocket.
The professional health and wellness expert was so thrilled by his experience that he offered the restaurant’s staff a hearty handshake, which the staff strongly abjectly refused. “A little rude, but I guess some people are just raised differently,” mused Philips as he coughed the last bit of salmon he’d eaten out into the air, causing an employee to recoil and close the restaurant early behind him.
Philips also reports he can’t wait to get home and check on some of the stocks he invested in early this week. “The market doesn’t change that much over a week and honestly, what’s the worst that could happen?”


thebeaverton--2020-03-16--Canada announces it will exclusively import COVID-19 from US

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that all forms of coronavirus coming from outside from the country must @ @ @ @ @ “ Today , we are announcing that any person infected with COVID-19 not exhibiting symptoms @ @ @ @ @ a permanent resident of Canada , or a citizen of the United States , ” @ @ @ @ @ conference held outside his house .
“ Trading with the United States , whether it @ @ @ @ @ , or deadly diseases , is critical to Canada .
We need to maintain this @ @ @ @ @ the rising levels of cases and evidence of community-acquired infections , the government of Canada @ @ @ @ @ relying on its neighbour whose President appears to be living in a different universe .
@ @ @ @ @ to everyone , unless they ’ re citizens of a country with no functioning healthcare @ @ @ @ @ ’ t a millionaire , ” said Trudeau .
Canada and the US are still @ @ @ @ @ will be defined as either 38 C or 101.5 F .

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that all forms of coronavirus coming from outside from the country must come from American citizens.
“Today, we are announcing that any person infected with COVID-19 not exhibiting symptoms must be a Canadian, a permanent resident of Canada, or a citizen of the United States,” said Trudeau in a press conference held outside his house. “Trading with the United States, whether it’s steel, lumber, or deadly diseases, is critical to Canada. We need to maintain this important free-trade relationship.”
With the rising levels of cases and evidence of community-acquired infections, the government of Canada is protecting its citizens by relying on its neighbour whose President appears to be living in a different universe.
“The borders are closed to everyone, unless they’re citizens of a country with no functioning healthcare system for anyone who isn’t a millionaire,” said Trudeau.
Canada and the US are still working on whether a fever will be defined as either 38 C or 101.5 F.


thebeaverton--2020-03-16--Employees at home working hard at pretending to work

OTTAWA – Millions of Canadians working from home due to the COVID-19 pandemic have started their days off pretending to be hard at work .
“ I could read these documents that my manager sent to me , ” pondered a corporate business analyst Jason Markle while playing World of Warcraft .
“ But I ’ m putting a lot of effort into level five , so I might have to work overtime.
” Those who work in sectors deemed non-essential or have their workplaces closed entirely wouldn ’ t let the coronavirus get in the way of their lack @ @ @ @ @ @ @ were set up as an elaborate facade for “ work , ” were immediately abandoned within minutes of the workday for pursuits such as cooking , reading , or masturbating .
“ Catching up on the Bachelor will be very important for the relationship with my co-workers and help prevent future conflicts over spoilers , ” explained teacher Sandra Wong justifying how she spent the past three hours .
“ Jesus , I can ’ t believe Peter got dumped !
” At press time , thousands of government employees added ‘ Netflix @ @ @ @ @ @

OTTAWA – Millions of Canadians working from home due to the COVID-19 pandemic have started their days off pretending to be hard at work.
“I could read these documents that my manager sent to me,” pondered a corporate business analyst Jason Markle while playing World of Warcraft. “But I’m putting a lot of effort into level five, so I might have to work overtime.”
Those who work in sectors deemed non-essential or have their workplaces closed entirely wouldn’t let the coronavirus get in the way of their lack of productivity.
Home offices, which were set up as an elaborate facade for “work,” were immediately abandoned within minutes of the workday for pursuits such as cooking, reading, or masturbating.
“Catching up on the Bachelor will be very important for the relationship with my co-workers and help prevent future conflicts over spoilers,” explained teacher Sandra Wong justifying how she spent the past three hours. “Jesus, I can’t believe Peter got dumped!”
At press time, thousands of government employees added ‘Netflix’ to their performance agreements.


thebeaverton--2020-03-17--Quarantined man celebrates St Patrick’s Day by doing keg stand alone in his living room

KINGSTON – As cities around the world cancel their St. Patrick ’ s day festivities over coronavirus concerns , one Queen ’ s University student was determined to stick to his initial plans responsibly – by doing a keg stand alone in his living room .
“ I ’ ve been hyping my keg stand strats since HoCo , ” commented 20-year-old business major Michael Sullivan .
“ But obviously we all have a social and ethical responsibility to practice social distancing right now .
So this Paddy ’ s , I flexed on the boys from home.
” Sullivan @ @ @ @ @ @ @ handstand while sober , devised a plan involving 30 feet of rope , an elaborate series of industrial pulleys purchased on Amazon , and an enormous bean bag chair to cushion any accidental falls .
Then he hopped up on his keg of Magners and chugged , livestreaming the feat to his followers on Instagram .
“ It was fuckin ’ mint , ” Sullivan sighed wistfully .
“ Everyone was cheering me on from their rooms .
I even got 3 new followers.
” Queen ’ s students were widely criticized for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ avoid bars and restaurants , skip gatherings of over 50 people , and perform all creative forms of alcohol consumption , no matter how sick and/or nasty , alone at home .
Sullivan is one of the few who followed government guidelines – and his attentiveness may pay off .
“ I ’ m still very drunk , Becca G. DMed me her number , and my rig looks dope as hell , ” He grinned .
“ The replay is gon na do numbers on TikTok for sure .
Oh , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get coronavirus either .
NOICE !
”

KINGSTON – As cities around the world cancel their St. Patrick’s day festivities over coronavirus concerns, one Queen’s University student was determined to stick to his initial plans responsibly – by doing a keg stand alone in his living room.
“I’ve been hyping my keg stand strats since HoCo,” commented 20-year-old business major Michael Sullivan. “But obviously we all have a social and ethical responsibility to practice social distancing right now. So this Paddy’s, I flexed on the boys from home.”
Sullivan, who cannot do a regular handstand while sober, devised a plan involving 30 feet of rope, an elaborate series of industrial pulleys purchased on Amazon, and an enormous bean bag chair to cushion any accidental falls. Then he hopped up on his keg of Magners and chugged, livestreaming the feat to his followers on Instagram.
“It was fuckin’ mint,” Sullivan sighed wistfully. “Everyone was cheering me on from their rooms. I even got 3 new followers.”
Queen’s students were widely criticized for ignoring public health’s suggestions to avoid bars and restaurants, skip gatherings of over 50 people, and perform all creative forms of alcohol consumption, no matter how sick and/or nasty, alone at home. Sullivan is one of the few who followed government guidelines – and his attentiveness may pay off.
“I’m still very drunk, Becca G. DMed me her number, and my rig looks dope as hell,” He grinned. “The replay is gonna do numbers on TikTok for sure. Oh, and I guess I probably won’t get coronavirus either. NOICE!”


thebeaverton--2020-03-17--Health Canada allows furry convention to proceed as planned

OTTAWA – In spite of recommendations restricting large gatherings of people to slow the spread of COVID-19 , Health Canada has given the go-ahead to the upcoming furry convention Furtive Glances due to the head-to-toe protective covering worn by attendees .
“ It is essential right now that Canadians stay home and practice social distancing , ” stated Minister of Health Patty Hajdu .
“ Unless those Canadians are wearing anthropomorphic fursuits covering their body , face and hands , in which case go nuts I guess.
” Not all members of the furry community welcomed this news .
Longtime @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that “ this is just another way that the government ’ s response to this crisis favours the wealthy .
A full-body fursuit can cost thousands of dollars , so not everybody who goes to cons can afford them .
Does the federal government even understand this subculture ?
” Justin Trudeau promptly apologized to everyone in the fandom with a tweet delivered by his fursona , a raven-haired lynx named Snow .
He also promised an emergency tax credit to assist anyone in need of financial assistance to complete their fursuit during @ @ @ @ @ @ @ press time , organizers of Furtive Glances have said that even with Health Canada ’ s blessing , they may still postpone their convention , stating that “ as a community , we ’ re pretty good at just staying home and being on the internet .
”

OTTAWA – In spite of recommendations restricting large gatherings of people to slow the spread of COVID-19, Health Canada has given the go-ahead to the upcoming furry convention Furtive Glances due to the head-to-toe protective covering worn by attendees.
“It is essential right now that Canadians stay home and practice social distancing,” stated Minister of Health Patty Hajdu. “Unless those Canadians are wearing anthropomorphic fursuits covering their body, face and hands, in which case go nuts I guess.”
Not all members of the furry community welcomed this news. Longtime member of the fandom Susanna Corle believes that “this is just another way that the government’s response to this crisis favours the wealthy. A full-body fursuit can cost thousands of dollars, so not everybody who goes to cons can afford them. Does the federal government even understand this subculture?”
Justin Trudeau promptly apologized to everyone in the fandom with a tweet delivered by his fursona, a raven-haired lynx named Snow. He also promised an emergency tax credit to assist anyone in need of financial assistance to complete their fursuit during this unprecedented global pandemic.
As of press time, organizers of Furtive Glances have said that even with Health Canada’s blessing, they may still postpone their convention, stating that “as a community, we’re pretty good at just staying home and being on the internet.”


thebeaverton--2020-03-18--Airlines announce jet demolition derby to make up lost revenue

TORONTO – In the face of mounting losses , plummeting stock prices , idle jets and the suspension of major spectator sports a number of airlines have announced they will hold jet demolition derbies to make up for lost revenue during the Covid-19 pandemic .
“ Why the fuck not ?
” Air Canada CEO Calin Rovinescu said .
“ This entire industry has been circling the drain for about 20 years now .
Rising fuel costs , economic crises , passenger complaints , militaries firing fucking missiles at us .
If we ’ re going down let ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sons of bitches together and have some fun.
” The airlines announced that spectators would be kept under the 50 person limit on mass gatherings thanks to strict security measures and all the burning jet fuel .
Pilots were enthused about the new venture .
“ I ’ m almost definitely getting laid off no matter what .
So yeah I think it ’ ll be cool to rip around the tarmac in ol ’ Betsy here a few more times , ” said WestJet pilot Darren Cowherd while gesturing to a Boeing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ side .
CBC and NBC immediately announced partnerships with the new Jet Demolition League .
The broadcasters were excited to have something to show besides Belorussian Hockey League highlights , Vancouver riot retrospectives , and whatever Air Bud sequel is the cheapest to license .
A CBC spokesperson declared “ this is something we ’ re excited to branch into now that everything else is cancelled .
We ’ re proud to be able to bring the country together in our shared love of giant things smacking into each other .
And our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ probably still safer than football.
” Analysts confirmed the market was perfectly primed for the new venture , and that prospects for Vince McMahon ’ s competing Cruise Ship Demolition Association are also looking bright .

TORONTO – In the face of mounting losses, plummeting stock prices, idle jets and the suspension of major spectator sports a number of airlines have announced they will hold jet demolition derbies to make up for lost revenue during the Covid-19 pandemic.
“Why the fuck not?” Air Canada CEO Calin Rovinescu said. “This entire industry has been circling the drain for about 20 years now. Rising fuel costs, economic crises, passenger complaints, militaries firing fucking missiles at us. If we’re going down let’s at least bash some of these big sons of bitches together and have some fun.”
The airlines announced that spectators would be kept under the 50 person limit on mass gatherings thanks to strict security measures and all the burning jet fuel.
Pilots were enthused about the new venture. “I’m almost definitely getting laid off no matter what. So yeah I think it’ll be cool to rip around the tarmac in ol’ Betsy here a few more times,” said WestJet pilot Darren Cowherd while gesturing to a Boeing 777 featuring newly painted flames on the side.
CBC and NBC immediately announced partnerships with the new Jet Demolition League. The broadcasters were excited to have something to show besides Belorussian Hockey League highlights, Vancouver riot retrospectives, and whatever Air Bud sequel is the cheapest to license.
A CBC spokesperson declared “this is something we’re excited to branch into now that everything else is cancelled. We’re proud to be able to bring the country together in our shared love of giant things smacking into each other. And our audience can rest assured knowing this is probably still safer than football.”
Analysts confirmed the market was perfectly primed for the new venture, and that prospects for Vince McMahon’s competing Cruise Ship Demolition Association are also looking bright.


thebeaverton--2020-03-18--TTC adequate for first time in 40 years

TTC adequate for first time in 40 years

TORONTO – Bragging that it had been “ two whole days ” since they had to use shuttle buses , authorities report that for the first time since the late 20th century , Toronto ’ s mass transit system has the capacity to reliably handle the city ’ s transportation needs .
“ The TTC has been consulting with experts as this crisis develops , ” said TTC spokesperson Stuart Green , “ and we are proud to report that for the first time since 1981 , the majority of riders were able to get on the Dufferin bus on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a lack of delays , and an increasing number of rides that commuters described as “ okay ” and “ pleasant ” .
“ Oh , I get it now , ” said commuter Mary Silva , as her streetcar swiftly travelled down Queen Street , free of traffic and short turns .
“ This is how my parents must have felt when they took the streetcar.
” The 31 year old , who isn ’ t wealthy enough to stop going to work and self-isolate , first noticed something was different when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ read her card and deduct her fare without having to wave it repeatedly in front of the reader or look to the driver to wave her in .
“ I thought , ‘ okay , that ’ s weird , ’ ” said Silva , describing her experience .
“ But when I was actually able to get a seat , that ’ s when I knew something was really up .
Like , all right , what the hell is going on ?
” Commuters aren ’ t the only ones adapting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ TTC staff are also coping with occurrences not experienced in over a generation .
“ I ’ m not going to lie and say it ’ s easy , ” says operator Dale Mulkin .
“ It ’ s hard enough getting used to the functioning signal system , but did you know that when I said something over the intercom yesterday everyone in that carriage was able to discern what I was saying ?
The elders spoke of a time when announcements could be understood , but we always thought it was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ perms , leg warmers , and cocaine.
” Municipal officials are taking the opportunity to learn as much as possible .
“ When 1 PM rolled around and I realized there had been no reports of delays , derailments , power outages , fires , or fatalities from the TTC , well , I had to go see it for myself , ” said Mayor John Tory , glancing around the train in awe as he took in his first ever subway ride .
“ You know , this is actually really good @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the calm and speed of his journey .
“ Maybe I should have used all that Gardiner money for this instead , ” he pondered aloud , before adding , “ Nah .
”

TORONTO – Bragging that it had been “two whole days” since they had to use shuttle buses, authorities report that for the first time since the late 20th century, Toronto’s mass transit system has the capacity to reliably handle the city’s transportation needs.
“The TTC has been consulting with experts as this crisis develops,” said TTC spokesperson Stuart Green, “and we are proud to report that for the first time since 1981, the majority of riders were able to get on the Dufferin bus on their first try.”
Further tests confirmed a lack of delays, and an increasing number of rides that commuters described as “okay” and “pleasant”.
“Oh, I get it now,” said commuter Mary Silva, as her streetcar swiftly travelled down Queen Street, free of traffic and short turns. “This is how my parents must have felt when they took the streetcar.”
The 31 year old, who isn’t wealthy enough to stop going to work and self-isolate, first noticed something was different when the Presto card reader was able to read her card and deduct her fare without having to wave it repeatedly in front of the reader or look to the driver to wave her in.
“I thought, ‘okay, that’s weird,’” said Silva, describing her experience. “But when I was actually able to get a seat, that’s when I knew something was really up. Like, all right, what the hell is going on?”
Commuters aren’t the only ones adapting to this blast from the past. TTC staff are also coping with occurrences not experienced in over a generation.
“I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy,” says operator Dale Mulkin. “It’s hard enough getting used to the functioning signal system, but did you know that when I said something over the intercom yesterday everyone in that carriage was able to discern what I was saying? The elders spoke of a time when announcements could be understood, but we always thought it was mere legend, a fantasy borne of perms, leg warmers, and cocaine.”
Municipal officials are taking the opportunity to learn as much as possible.
“When 1 PM rolled around and I realized there had been no reports of delays, derailments, power outages, fires, or fatalities from the TTC, well, I had to go see it for myself,” said Mayor John Tory, glancing around the train in awe as he took in his first ever subway ride.
“You know, this is actually really good,” he remarked, taking in the calm and speed of his journey.
“Maybe I should have used all that Gardiner money for this instead,” he pondered aloud, before adding, “Nah.”


Missing: Anti-Vaxxers

LETHBRIDGE , AB – Amidst the spread of COVID-19 , regularly vocal anti-vaxxers are largely missing from the global conversation surrounding the pandemic .
“ It ’ s weird , ” said local systems analyst Sandra Marks , who was friends with an anti-vaxxer on Facebook , “ I ’ m used to her posting long rants about how the ‘ flu shot gave her the flu ’ and then linking to baseless articles on the healing properties of garlic and crystals .
It ’ s eerie how quiet she ’ s being.
” According to Crystals4Cure , an online @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ autism-causing serums ” , their normally lively discussion boards went dark around last week , when the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 as a global pandemic .
The last correspondence was a post by a user ‘ Not_a_Ph4rmaWhor3 ’ providing an update on day four of her attempt to cure her husband ’ s mysterious cough with a turmeric enema .
“ I scoured online and I couldn ’ t find any new traces of the ‘ keep your child natural ’ argument , ” added Marks “ I just hope they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ any anti-vaxxers out there , please , let us know you ’ re alive by bragging about how you refuse to torture your child with a two second needle prick and instead would rather elongate their suffering with deadly respiratory ailments , painful rashes , paralysis , brain damage , and death !
” An anti-vaxx reporting centre has been set up , with a helpline for people to phone in any tips .
“ Vulnerable people , like newborns , the elderly , and people with serious medical conditions rely on herd @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for protection , ” explained helpline director Marilyn Charmbers .
“ Since anti-vaxxers love to compromise the health of others , we set headquarters in the nation ’ s only combination Senior Retirement Home/ NICU , in the hopes of drawing them out of hiding.
” At press time , as more cases of COVID-19 are reported , the leader of a “ stop mandatory vaccination ” coalition was found in isolation , hoarding toilet paper , and asking when treatment will be available .

LETHBRIDGE, AB – Amidst the spread of COVID-19, regularly vocal anti-vaxxers are largely missing from the global conversation surrounding the pandemic.
“It’s weird,” said local systems analyst Sandra Marks, who was friends with an anti-vaxxer on Facebook, “I’m used to her posting long rants about how the ‘flu shot gave her the flu’ and then linking to baseless articles on the healing properties of garlic and crystals. It’s eerie how quiet she’s being.”
According to Crystals4Cure, an online resource for those who think vaccinations are “autism-causing serums”, their normally lively discussion boards went dark around last week, when the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 as a global pandemic. The last correspondence was a post by a user ‘Not_a_Ph4rmaWhor3’ providing an update on day four of her attempt to cure her husband’s mysterious cough with a turmeric enema.
“I scoured online and I couldn’t find any new traces of the ‘keep your child natural’ argument,” added Marks “I just hope they’re okay. If there are any anti-vaxxers out there, please, let us know you’re alive by bragging about how you refuse to torture your child with a two second needle prick and instead would rather elongate their suffering with deadly respiratory ailments, painful rashes, paralysis, brain damage, and death!”
An anti-vaxx reporting centre has been set up, with a helpline for people to phone in any tips. “Vulnerable people, like newborns, the elderly, and people with serious medical conditions rely on herd immunity – the vaccination of others – for protection,” explained helpline director Marilyn Charmbers. “Since anti-vaxxers love to compromise the health of others, we set headquarters in the nation’s only combination Senior Retirement Home/ NICU, in the hopes of drawing them out of hiding.”
At press time, as more cases of COVID-19 are reported, the leader of a “stop mandatory vaccination” coalition was found in isolation, hoarding toilet paper, and asking when treatment will be available.


thebeaverton--2020-03-18--Place you bought Jeans from six months ago wants you to know they’re doing everything they can to co

Place you bought Jeans from six months ago wants you to know they’re doing everything they can to combat Covid-19

Markham , ON – In an urgent email sent out this morning , the place you bought jeans from six months ago wants you to know there is absolutely nothing they value more than your health and well being and as such , they have laid out a detailed plan to deal with the Coronavirus pandemic .
“ When you gave us your email six months ago you probably thought all our messages would just be sent directly to your spam folder , ” began the email .
“ But look at us now , emailing you a message of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ loved one separated by distance and a mounting public health crisis ” Despite being an online store , Jean Oasis still found it necessary to send a blast email out to everyone who ever purchased a product or just signed up for a promo code about their plans to comply with self isolation recommendations , longer than usual delivery times , increased hygiene standards among employees , and new sanitization practices .
“ We ’ ve thought about you everyday since you got sad that one night and ordered a pair of high-waisted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is why our heart aches at the idea of you navigating this pandemic without receiving a mass email of of synthetic concern from us , a company.
” The email is just the latest in a slew of companies reaching out to express concern and outline their health and safety protocol despite never crossing your mind alongside a bookstore you ’ ve never been to , an escape room you did 2 years ago with your family where you had to give your email as part of the waiver and every food delivery @ @ @ @ @ @ @ still open btw ) .
At press time , Jean Oasis had sent two follow up emails asking if you ’ ve taken your fever recently and expressing how dearly they wish they could be by your bedside to kiss your forehead and tell you everything will be alright .

Markham, ON – In an urgent email sent out this morning, the place you bought jeans from six months ago wants you to know there is absolutely nothing they value more than your health and well being and as such, they have laid out a detailed plan to deal with the Coronavirus pandemic.
“When you gave us your email six months ago you probably thought all our messages would just be sent directly to your spam folder,” began the email. “But look at us now, emailing you a message of comfort in these trying times like a loved one separated by distance and a mounting public health crisis”
Despite being an online store, Jean Oasis still found it necessary to send a blast email out to everyone who ever purchased a product or just signed up for a promo code about their plans to comply with self isolation recommendations, longer than usual delivery times, increased hygiene standards among employees, and new sanitization practices.
“We’ve thought about you everyday since you got sad that one night and ordered a pair of high-waisted boyfriend jeans at 1 am, which is why our heart aches at the idea of you navigating this pandemic without receiving a mass email of of synthetic concern from us, a company.”
The email is just the latest in a slew of companies reaching out to express concern and outline their health and safety protocol despite never crossing your mind alongside a bookstore you’ve never been to, an escape room you did 2 years ago with your family where you had to give your email as part of the waiver and every food delivery service in the city (who are still open btw).
At press time, Jean Oasis had sent two follow up emails asking if you’ve taken your fever recently and expressing how dearly they wish they could be by your bedside to kiss your forehead and tell you everything will be alright.


thebeaverton--2020-03-19--Celebrities selflessly contribute to public morale by releasing insipid video for everyone to mock

LOS ANGELES – Much of the world may be on lockdown due to the coronavirus , but famous people from around the globe are doing their bit to keep spirits high by making an inane video of them singing an overused protest song , allowing the rest of society to lay down their burdens , if only for a few minutes , to make fun of them .
“ I ’ ve been pretty freaked out lately , everything ’ s so strange and scary and I ’ m not sure I ’ ll be able to pay my rent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but then I saw a bunch of celebrities ‘ helping ’ with this video and it immediately filled me with joy – specifically , the joy of feeling utter disdain , ” said quarantined waitress Kyra Louis .
“ It ’ s everything I want in an object of scorn : wealthy dingdongs comfortably ensconced in their privilege thinking they ’ re doing something meaningful but really just fiddling while the world burns around them .
It ’ s awesome.
” Many are comparing the video to the star-studded charity single “ Do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” but that song was released to raise money for a cause .
Members of the current entertainment gentry who contributed to this cover of an anthem about eliminating private wealth co-written by an admitted domestic abuser did it solely for the joy they knew mocking it would bring to the people .
“ If this video had been accompanied by each millionaire in it publicly giving six or seven figures to a fund to help entertainment industry workers who ’ ve just lost their jobs , I ’ d feel really bad @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said mechanic Ben Cavanaugh .
“ Thank goodness they realized the one thing society needs now more than material support is a tedious gesture that accomplishes nothing except to remind us that celebrities are ridiculous and take themselves far too seriously.
” “ And why does Will Ferrell look like he ’ s hanging upside down when he ’ s not hanging upside down ?
Man , this thing just keeps on giving.
” The entertainment world is currently working on several other jeer-worthy projects to help society cope with the current crisis @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the release of surreptitiously filmed videos of numerous Oscar winners being racist to their overworked housekeepers , and most of your favourite actors announcing modern medicine is a sham and encouraging sick fans to give offerings to the Greek god Asclepius in lieu of seeing a doctor .

LOS ANGELES – Much of the world may be on lockdown due to the coronavirus, but famous people from around the globe are doing their bit to keep spirits high by making an inane video of them singing an overused protest song, allowing the rest of society to lay down their burdens, if only for a few minutes, to make fun of them.
“I’ve been pretty freaked out lately, everything’s so strange and scary and I’m not sure I’ll be able to pay my rent at the end of the month, but then I saw a bunch of celebrities ‘helping’ with this video and it immediately filled me with joy – specifically, the joy of feeling utter disdain,” said quarantined waitress Kyra Louis.
“It’s everything I want in an object of scorn: wealthy dingdongs comfortably ensconced in their privilege thinking they’re doing something meaningful but really just fiddling while the world burns around them. It’s awesome.”
Many are comparing the video to the star-studded charity single “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” but that song was released to raise money for a cause. Members of the current entertainment gentry who contributed to this cover of an anthem about eliminating private wealth co-written by an admitted domestic abuser did it solely for the joy they knew mocking it would bring to the people.
“If this video had been accompanied by each millionaire in it publicly giving six or seven figures to a fund to help entertainment industry workers who’ve just lost their jobs, I’d feel really bad about making fun of it,” said mechanic Ben Cavanaugh. “Thank goodness they realized the one thing society needs now more than material support is a tedious gesture that accomplishes nothing except to remind us that celebrities are ridiculous and take themselves far too seriously.”
“And why does Will Ferrell look like he’s hanging upside down when he’s not hanging upside down? Man, this thing just keeps on giving.”
The entertainment world is currently working on several other jeer-worthy projects to help society cope with the current crisis, including an ill-thought-out fundraiser gala, the release of surreptitiously filmed videos of numerous Oscar winners being racist to their overworked housekeepers, and most of your favourite actors announcing modern medicine is a sham and encouraging sick fans to give offerings to the Greek god Asclepius in lieu of seeing a doctor.


thebeaverton--2020-03-19--Local man assures shoppers he definitely also hoarding toilet paper for coronavirus

MISSISSAUGA , ON — As self-quarantining shoppers clear out many stores ’ inventory of toilet paper , local systems analyst Greg Charpman keeps repeatedly insisting that his need to stockpile toilet paper is also “ definitely for coronavirus reasons ” .
“ Yeah , I ’ m just stocking up for the quarantine , same as all the rest of you , ” blurted Charpman suspiciously , as he grabbed his third 12-pack of Royale 3-ply toilet paper .
While many stores are advising shoppers to only purchase what they need during the COVID-19 state of emergency , Charpman has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that experts deem , “ way more than one healthy adult man should need.
” Witnesses report that Charpman , despite living alone and being unmarried with no children , has recently visited and purchased toilet paper from no less than 3 different Loblaws locations .
While he appears to be in average health , with no outward physical ailments , eyewitnesses could not help but speculate that Charpman ’ s TP stockpiling was for reasons above and beyond his fellow customers .
“ Man , there is definitely something wrong with that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fellow quarantine shopper Rufus Grimeswell , 45 .
“ I got a wife and 2 kids at home , and I ’ m still only buying this single package of 24 rolls .
But this guy ’ s carrying enough toilet paper for an entire office park !
” “ What is he doing in his bathroom ?
Or rather , what is he doing to his bathroom , ” mused a perplexed Grimeswell as he returned to shopping .
According to projections from the University of Alberta ’ s Rectal Sciences Research @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that Charmpan has amassed points to a significant , if not dangerous , level of gastrointestinal distress .
Projections indicate that , unlike his fellow panic shoppers who typically use a small fraction of a toilet paper roll following a bowel movement , Charpman may well be using two or even three rolls at a time to combat “ whatever it is he ’ s got going on.
” “ Ordinarily I ’ d point to an unhealthy prostate or even severe IBS to explain this kind of tissue consumption , ” mused @ @ @ @ @ @ @ U of A .
“ But Charpman ’ s bathroom habits have me baffled , if not genuinely terrified.
” Later that day , Charpman was spotted again at a local convenience store , cleaning out all the available toilet paper and , notably , tissue paper party streamers .
“ Oh , you know , just freaking out about the quarantine , totally the same as everyone else , ” Charpman stated aloud to no one in particular .
At this point the store clerk described a “ rumbling sound ” emitting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at which point he threw a hundred dollar bill on the counter and drove off in the direction of his home , “ doing at least 90 ” .

MISSISSAUGA, ON — As self-quarantining shoppers clear out many stores’ inventory of toilet paper, local systems analyst Greg Charpman keeps repeatedly insisting that his need to stockpile toilet paper is also “definitely for coronavirus reasons”.
“Yeah, I’m just stocking up for the quarantine, same as all the rest of you,” blurted Charpman suspiciously, as he grabbed his third 12-pack of Royale 3-ply toilet paper. While many stores are advising shoppers to only purchase what they need during the COVID-19 state of emergency, Charpman has reportedly purchased an amount of toilet paper that experts deem, “way more than one healthy adult man should need.”
Witnesses report that Charpman, despite living alone and being unmarried with no children, has recently visited and purchased toilet paper from no less than 3 different Loblaws locations.
While he appears to be in average health, with no outward physical ailments, eyewitnesses could not help but speculate that Charpman’s TP stockpiling was for reasons above and beyond his fellow customers. “Man, there is definitely something wrong with that guy’s butt,” asserted fellow quarantine shopper Rufus Grimeswell, 45. “I got a wife and 2 kids at home, and I’m still only buying this single package of 24 rolls. But this guy’s carrying enough toilet paper for an entire office park!”
“What is he doing in his bathroom? Or rather, what is he doing to his bathroom,” mused a perplexed Grimeswell as he returned to shopping.
According to projections from the University of Alberta’s Rectal Sciences Research Division, the amount of toilet paper that Charmpan has amassed points to a significant, if not dangerous, level of gastrointestinal distress. Projections indicate that, unlike his fellow panic shoppers who typically use a small fraction of a toilet paper roll following a bowel movement, Charpman may well be using two or even three rolls at a time to combat “whatever it is he’s got going on.”
“Ordinarily I’d point to an unhealthy prostate or even severe IBS to explain this kind of tissue consumption,” mused research head Dr. Emily Huang, of U of A. “But Charpman’s bathroom habits have me baffled, if not genuinely terrified.”
Later that day, Charpman was spotted again at a local convenience store, cleaning out all the available toilet paper and, notably, tissue paper party streamers. “Oh, you know, just freaking out about the quarantine, totally the same as everyone else,” Charpman stated aloud to no one in particular.
At this point the store clerk described a “rumbling sound” emitting from Charpman’s lower torso, at which point he threw a hundred dollar bill on the counter and drove off in the direction of his home, “doing at least 90”.


thebeaverton--2020-03-18--Local hamster celebrates eight months in social isolation

MISSISSAUGA , ON – Local hamster , Peaches Whitaker , took a moment to celebrate eight months of social isolation , spending her entire life thus far in a tiny plastic cage .
“ Eight-months baby !
I ’ m living the dream !
” exclaimed Whitaker , while stuffing a large seed into her mouth and scurrying up a plastic tube .
“ What an accomplishment .
Eight months ago I was born , eight months later I ’ m still here… life really does move fast.
” Peaches ’ owners ; Isabel , Ronald , and little Molly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ We ’ re really glad Molly has Peaches to give her some entertainment through everything that ’ s going on right now , ” explained Ronald , who was anxiously bouncing his leg with extreme vigour .
“ It has been so boring having to stay trapped in the house all day every day.
” While Peaches moved all the wood shavings to one side of her cage for the fifteenth time that week , she explained how she ’ s personally been dealing with the COVID-19 outbreak : “ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ instead of eating ten seeds , I ’ ll eat nine just to mix it up .
Oh , and I also run on my wheel for 98 % of my day ” .
Though excited about Peaches ’ accomplishment , the human Whitakers have been experiencing difficulties adjusting to the stay-at-home mandate .
“ There is literally NOTHING to do in this house , ” explains Isabel , putting down her iPad pro with a sigh .
“ We ’ ve been social distancing for almost a week now and don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Everything is so routine !
!
!
” At press time , Peaches is celebrating her achievement with a grand meal of the same kibble she ’ s been eating every day and will continue to eat for the rest of her life .

MISSISSAUGA, ON – Local hamster, Peaches Whitaker, took a moment to celebrate eight months of social isolation, spending her entire life thus far in a tiny plastic cage.
“Eight-months baby! I’m living the dream!” exclaimed Whitaker, while stuffing a large seed into her mouth and scurrying up a plastic tube. “What an accomplishment. Eight months ago I was born, eight months later I’m still here… life really does move fast.”
Peaches’ owners; Isabel, Ronald, and little Molly Whitaker are very grateful for the milestone.
“We’re really glad Molly has Peaches to give her some entertainment through everything that’s going on right now,” explained Ronald, who was anxiously bouncing his leg with extreme vigour. “It has been so boring having to stay trapped in the house all day every day.”
While Peaches moved all the wood shavings to one side of her cage for the fifteenth time that week, she explained how she’s personally been dealing with the COVID-19 outbreak: “I try to stay healthy. Sometimes, instead of eating ten seeds, I’ll eat nine just to mix it up. Oh, and I also run on my wheel for 98% of my day”.
Though excited about Peaches’ accomplishment, the human Whitakers have been experiencing difficulties adjusting to the stay-at-home mandate.
“There is literally NOTHING to do in this house,” explains Isabel, putting down her iPad pro with a sigh. “We’ve been social distancing for almost a week now and don’t think I can take it anymore. Everything is so routine!!!”
At press time, Peaches is celebrating her achievement with a grand meal of the same kibble she’s been eating every day and will continue to eat for the rest of her life.


thebeaverton--2020-03-20--CRA extends tax deadline citing meaninglessness of all money

OTTAWA — In the wake of the COVID-19 outbreak , the Canada Revenue Agency has extended the national tax filing deadline to June 1st , explaining that “ honestly the idea of money is just something people made up a long time ago and we ’ re not too worried about it.
” “ Look , filing your taxes might make you happy for a day , ” CRA head Mark Burblin told reporters .
“ But once you file them , you realize…what does any of this mean , you know ?
” Burblin then let out a long @ @ @ @ @ @ @ online , the CRA announced its formal position that money is really more of a totem we use to protect ourselves from the knowledge of our mortality than anything else .
Taxpayers are advised to complete their returns , remembering to include all sources of income , and then to look up at the moon and think about how many people have looked up at it before them , and how many people will look up at it after they ’ re gone .
When asked how federal and provincial governments will serve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ COVID-19 , Burblin pulled out a $ 5 bill , gestured to the image of the Queen , and said , “ She used to be young .
Now she is 93 .
Treasure every moment.
” “ After all , what matters more – whether you subtracted the right deductions from your net income , or whether you took the time to really understand the beautiful , crazy mess that is human life ?
” Burblin told reporters .
“ Money seriously doesn ’ t matter .
You might think it ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but trust me , it won ’ t .
If you have enough money to take care of your basic needs , the rest is just window dressing.
” Burblin ended his remarks by reminding everyone that Netfile will still be closing on June 1st with no exceptions .

OTTAWA — In the wake of the COVID-19 outbreak, the Canada Revenue Agency has extended the national tax filing deadline to June 1st, explaining that “honestly the idea of money is just something people made up a long time ago and we’re not too worried about it.”
“Look, filing your taxes might make you happy for a day,” CRA head Mark Burblin told reporters. “But once you file them, you realize…what does any of this mean, you know?”
Burblin then let out a long, rattling sigh.
In a statement online, the CRA announced its formal position that money is really more of a totem we use to protect ourselves from the knowledge of our mortality than anything else. Taxpayers are advised to complete their returns, remembering to include all sources of income, and then to look up at the moon and think about how many people have looked up at it before them, and how many people will look up at it after they’re gone.
When asked how federal and provincial governments will serve and assist Canadians amidst wide-ranging impacts of COVID-19, Burblin pulled out a $5 bill, gestured to the image of the Queen, and said, “She used to be young. Now she is 93. Treasure every moment.”
“After all, what matters more – whether you subtracted the right deductions from your net income, or whether you took the time to really understand the beautiful, crazy mess that is human life?” Burblin told reporters.
“Money seriously doesn’t matter. You might think it’s going to keep you safe, but trust me, it won’t. If you have enough money to take care of your basic needs, the rest is just window dressing.”
Burblin ended his remarks by reminding everyone that Netfile will still be closing on June 1st with no exceptions.


thebeaverton--2020-03-20--NCAA searching for new ways to exploit student athletes after cancellation of March Madness

INDIANAPOLIS , IN – The cancellation of college basketball ’ s March Madness tournament due to the COVID-19 crisis has left the NCAA scrambling to find new ways to exploit their 500,000 student athletes .
The tournament brings in almost a billion dollars to the NCAA through TV deals and ticket sales of which exactly zero dollars goes to the student athletes playing the games .
This represents some 80 % of the NCAA ’ s annual income .
While insurance will cover some of the lost revenue , this still leaves a substantial shortfall for those who make large @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ This is a catastrophe for all our wallets at the NCAA , ” said Association President Mark Emmert , who collects a $ 4,000,000 salary off the backs of free labor .
“ But we want to reassure fans of college sports that we ’ re looking at every option to exploit these kids .
We ’ ve had preliminary discussions to rent the kids out to oil companies for pipeline construction , so they can learn a trade to go along with their communications degree .
There ’ s talk @ @ @ @ @ @ @ million dollar prize where athletes must dance for our pleasure until everyone but the winner collapses from exhaustion .
We would then confiscate the million dollars , of course .
And if that falls through we ’ ve also reached out to organ smugglers , most of these athletes have two top-of-the-line kidneys and you only really need one.
” The NCAA has been under increasing financial pressure after a series of scandals and widespread corruption .
Of particular concern is the passing of California ’ s Fair Pay for Play Bill that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The bill will allow college athletes the right to make some amount of money for risking their bodies and health for entertainment .
“ These are the last few years where we have complete control of every student ’ s body and image , ” said Emmert .
“ We need to make sure we ’ re squeezing every last drop of cash from these kids before we discard , sorry , graduate them into the world with an often useless degree and no health care.
” Emmert concluded his statements with a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that would never even get a chance to be busted this year .

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – The cancellation of college basketball’s March Madness tournament due to the COVID-19 crisis has left the NCAA scrambling to find new ways to exploit their 500,000 student athletes.
The tournament brings in almost a billion dollars to the NCAA through TV deals and ticket sales of which exactly zero dollars goes to the student athletes playing the games. This represents some 80% of the NCAA’s annual income. While insurance will cover some of the lost revenue, this still leaves a substantial shortfall for those who make large sums of money from US collegiate athletics.
“This is a catastrophe for all our wallets at the NCAA,” said Association President Mark Emmert, who collects a $4,000,000 salary off the backs of free labor. “But we want to reassure fans of college sports that we’re looking at every option to exploit these kids. We’ve had preliminary discussions to rent the kids out to oil companies for pipeline construction, so they can learn a trade to go along with their communications degree. There’s talk of broadcasting a dance marathon with a million dollar prize where athletes must dance for our pleasure until everyone but the winner collapses from exhaustion. We would then confiscate the million dollars, of course. And if that falls through we’ve also reached out to organ smugglers, most of these athletes have two top-of-the-line kidneys and you only really need one.”
The NCAA has been under increasing financial pressure after a series of scandals and widespread corruption. Of particular concern is the passing of California’s Fair Pay for Play Bill that will go into effect in 2023. The bill will allow college athletes the right to make some amount of money for risking their bodies and health for entertainment.
“These are the last few years where we have complete control of every student’s body and image,” said Emmert. “We need to make sure we’re squeezing every last drop of cash from these kids before we discard, sorry, graduate them into the world with an often useless degree and no health care.”
Emmert concluded his statements with a moment of silence for all the brackets that would never even get a chance to be busted this year.


thebeaverton--2020-03-20--IOC asks all athletes to participate in Tokyo Olympics from their homes

SWITZERLAND – The International Olympic Committee has asked all athletes to help fight the ongoing Covid-19 crisis by competing in the upcoming Tokyo Games from the isolation of their own homes .
“ The writing is clearly on the wall here and everyone needs to start doing their part .
We call upon all athletes to immediately begin the construction of makeshift Olympic facilities in their basements , attics , garages , and tree forts so that they can effectively participate in the games without leaving their houses , ” said IOC President Thomas Bach .
The IOC does not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be negatively affected by the order , with all categories of competition still planned to occur .
Athletes have been asked to , at all times , attempt to work around furniture and family members when they are competing , particularly for events such as javelin throw and shot put .
Competitors in archery and shooting events have been asked to promise to be “ super-duper careful ” .
Some adjustments will still have to be made , however , particularly for track and field events like the 100 metre dash or , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have therefore directed participants to clear a long stretch of foyer or rumpus room and run back and forth for a bit when it ’ s their turn to race .
Runners have reported already begun practicing drafting techniques by running behind their pet dogs .
“ Our athletes are nothing if not committed to these games .
Already , our swimmers and sailers have begun flooding their basements with hoses .
Our equestrian riders have moved their horses into spare bedrooms .
Our trampoliners have removed their roofs , ” Bach continued @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be based entirely on the honour system , with preliminary events held at athlete ’ s homes already setting world records left and right .
For more subjective events , like rhythmic gymnastics , IOC judges will ask neighbours to peer in through the athlete ’ s windows and then call the IOC to describe how good it was .
Finally , officials have stated that for directly competitive events , such as wrestling or fencing , athletes just pretend really , really hard .
“ I ’ m sure everyone would agree @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is vital enough to compel athletes to do things like confine themselves in their homes and play an entire round of golf , for example , ” Bach stated .
Despite the significant changes being implemented , the lighting of the Olympic Torch and opening ceremonies will occur as scheduled , except now it will be over at Dave ’ s house .

SWITZERLAND – The International Olympic Committee has asked all athletes to help fight the ongoing Covid-19 crisis by competing in the upcoming Tokyo Games from the isolation of their own homes.
“The writing is clearly on the wall here and everyone needs to start doing their part. We call upon all athletes to immediately begin the construction of makeshift Olympic facilities in their basements, attics, garages, and tree forts so that they can effectively participate in the games without leaving their houses,” said IOC President Thomas Bach.
The IOC does not anticipate that any of the events will be negatively affected by the order, with all categories of competition still planned to occur. Athletes have been asked to, at all times, attempt to work around furniture and family members when they are competing, particularly for events such as javelin throw and shot put. Competitors in archery and shooting events have been asked to promise to be “super-duper careful”.
Some adjustments will still have to be made, however, particularly for track and field events like the 100 metre dash or, more troublingly, the marathon. Officials have therefore directed participants to clear a long stretch of foyer or rumpus room and run back and forth for a bit when it’s their turn to race. Runners have reported already begun practicing drafting techniques by running behind their pet dogs.
“Our athletes are nothing if not committed to these games. Already, our swimmers and sailers have begun flooding their basements with hoses. Our equestrian riders have moved their horses into spare bedrooms. Our trampoliners have removed their roofs,” Bach continued.
Times and other qualifying measures will be based entirely on the honour system, with preliminary events held at athlete’s homes already setting world records left and right. For more subjective events, like rhythmic gymnastics, IOC judges will ask neighbours to peer in through the athlete’s windows and then call the IOC to describe how good it was. Finally, officials have stated that for directly competitive events, such as wrestling or fencing, athletes just pretend really, really hard.
“I’m sure everyone would agree that continuing the tradition of the Olympics is vital enough to compel athletes to do things like confine themselves in their homes and play an entire round of golf, for example,” Bach stated.
Despite the significant changes being implemented, the lighting of the Olympic Torch and opening ceremonies will occur as scheduled, except now it will be over at Dave’s house.


thebeaverton--2020-03-21--Biden within hair-sniffing distance of Democratic nomination

WASHINGTON – After being declared the winner of the final Democratic debate by several publications and continuing to lead in the primary delegate count , Joe Biden is now within hair-sniffing distance of being the Democratic candidate for the presidency of the United States .
Commentators point to Biden ’ s clear messaging about being a calming voice ( directly into your ear , from far too close ) in a troubled time , and his distinction from Sanders who “ just lobs bombs from the sidelines ” while Biden “ gets things done ” ( like slowly massaging your @ @ @ @ @ @ @ also made headlines by announcing during the debate that he would name a woman to be his running mate .
While it is presumed that the woman will be one of his earlier challengers in the primary , it has not been ruled out that it might also be a random woman whose arm Biden grabs suddenly at a rally , or whose shoulder he squeezes unexpectedly during a donor lunch .
It is unclear whether the COVID-19 epidemic will impact Biden ’ s chances , as new social distancing norms make it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ brand of hands-on politics .
Still , he continues to please pundits with his steadfast leadership , bravery , and naked disdain for personal space , as he encourages voters to pack tightly into polling stations despite the virulent outbreak .
Bernie Sanders , by contrast , does appear to be farther and farther from clinching the nomination , which he is compensating for by getting louder and louder .

WASHINGTON – After being declared the winner of the final Democratic debate by several publications and continuing to lead in the primary delegate count, Joe Biden is now within hair-sniffing distance of being the Democratic candidate for the presidency of the United States.
Commentators point to Biden’s clear messaging about being a calming voice (directly into your ear, from far too close) in a troubled time, and his distinction from Sanders who “just lobs bombs from the sidelines” while Biden “gets things done” (like slowly massaging your shoulders without your consent).
Biden also made headlines by announcing during the debate that he would name a woman to be his running mate. While it is presumed that the woman will be one of his earlier challengers in the primary, it has not been ruled out that it might also be a random woman whose arm Biden grabs suddenly at a rally, or whose shoulder he squeezes unexpectedly during a donor lunch.
It is unclear whether the COVID-19 epidemic will impact Biden’s chances, as new social distancing norms make it difficult for him to practice his signature brand of hands-on politics. Still, he continues to please pundits with his steadfast leadership, bravery, and naked disdain for personal space, as he encourages voters to pack tightly into polling stations despite the virulent outbreak.
Bernie Sanders, by contrast, does appear to be farther and farther from clinching the nomination, which he is compensating for by getting louder and louder.


thebeaverton--2020-03-21--Local man eyes 2010 Fun-Run t-shirt as potential toilet paper substitute

CALGARY — With only two rolls remaining and the grocery stores empty , local pipe fitter Trevor Bilton has reported considering alternative toilet paper options during his COVID-19 quarantine : namely a t-shirt from a 2010 , “ Joggin for Noggin ” fun run .
“ Ya , in an ideal world I ’ d be using toilet paper but I can ’ t find any , not even a napkin , or a cotton ball and I ’ ve never really worn that shirt , so… ” stated an increasingly nervous Bilton as he surveyed the cartoon artichoke running @ @ @ @ @ @ @ With self , and enforced , isolation in full swing across North America , adjustments have to be made and people have to adapt .
For this reason , Bilton is considered somewhat of a pioneer , inspiring others to use formerly single-function household items as toilet paper .
Items like ugly living room pillows , a stuffed teddy bear from an ex-boyfriend , monogrammed towels , pages of Infinite Jest , the list goes on .
“ At first I didn ’ t love the idea , but Trevor ’ s an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ simply have to adjust your lifestyle , ” stated Bilton ’ s roommate , Greg Frankel , while attempting to flush a wool fisherman ’ s sweater down the toilet .
Many self-quarantining Canadians report toilet paper shortage being almost therapeutic , allowing people to literally flush away their problems – like a bad report card from 2006 , a love letter from a former partner , or a tax evasion notice from the CRA .
“ I predict that there won ’ t be toilet paper available for a while so we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ creative , ” stated Bilton as he maneuvered a large taxidermied moose head into the bathroom .
At press time , Bilton was seen in a local grocery , noticeably avoiding a fully-stocked shelf of toilet paper .

CALGARY — With only two rolls remaining and the grocery stores empty, local pipe fitter Trevor Bilton has reported considering alternative toilet paper options during his COVID-19 quarantine: namely a t-shirt from a 2010, “Joggin for Noggin” fun run.
“Ya, in an ideal world I’d be using toilet paper but I can’t find any, not even a napkin, or a cotton ball and I’ve never really worn that shirt, so…” stated an increasingly nervous Bilton as he surveyed the cartoon artichoke running across the front of the shirt.
With self, and enforced, isolation in full swing across North America, adjustments have to be made and people have to adapt. For this reason, Bilton is considered somewhat of a pioneer, inspiring others to use formerly single-function household items as toilet paper. Items like ugly living room pillows, a stuffed teddy bear from an ex-boyfriend, monogrammed towels, pages of Infinite Jest, the list goes on.
“At first I didn’t love the idea, but Trevor’s an innovator and in these trying times you simply have to adjust your lifestyle,” stated Bilton’s roommate, Greg Frankel, while attempting to flush a wool fisherman’s sweater down the toilet.
Many self-quarantining Canadians report toilet paper shortage being almost therapeutic, allowing people to literally flush away their problems – like a bad report card from 2006, a love letter from a former partner, or a tax evasion notice from the CRA.
“I predict that there won’t be toilet paper available for a while so we’re going to have to get creative,” stated Bilton as he maneuvered a large taxidermied moose head into the bathroom.
At press time, Bilton was seen in a local grocery, noticeably avoiding a fully-stocked shelf of toilet paper.


thebeaverton--2020-03-22--Maintain a sense of normalcy under quarantine by continuing to trim your pubes

Like many people , you may find yourself adjusting to a brand new stay-at-home lifestyle these days in order to protect yourself and others from the spread of COVID-19 .
During these disruptive times , the most important thing you can do for your own mental health is to maintain some sense of routine by continuing to shower , get dressed every day , and most importantly keep your pubic hair as well shorn as a putting green .
For many of us , social distancing means that fewer people than normal will be interacting with our pubes , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ let that garden grow wild .
The thing is , shearing your bush doesn ’ t have to be something you only do for others .
You can also do it for yourself since you are certainly the person whose pubes you ’ ll be spending the most time with for the next little while !
Of course , cutting the rough and curlies isn ’ t for everyone .
If you are not in the habit of mowing your hedge in normal times , there ’ s no need to start now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ condition regularly , and be sure to moisturize by brushing in coconut oil daily .
Avoid knots and tangles by continuing to use your pubic-comb just as you would while not in quarantine .
If , on the other hand , you prefer the baby ’ s bottom feel for your adult front , more power to you !
Keep up your shaving schedule , and keep your blade sharp enough that you ’ re a bit scared to bring it near your junk .
Whether you shave , trim or pamper , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of a virus destroy your will to have nicely framed genitals .
Stay strong , and before long your pubic region will be back out there in the world !
In the meantime , you might also need to sell some nudes to survive , so there ’ s that too .

Like many people, you may find yourself adjusting to a brand new stay-at-home lifestyle these days in order to protect yourself and others from the spread of COVID-19. During these disruptive times, the most important thing you can do for your own mental health is to maintain some sense of routine by continuing to shower, get dressed every day, and most importantly keep your pubic hair as well shorn as a putting green.
For many of us, social distancing means that fewer people than normal will be interacting with our pubes, and so it can be tempting to just let that garden grow wild. The thing is, shearing your bush doesn’t have to be something you only do for others. You can also do it for yourself since you are certainly the person whose pubes you’ll be spending the most time with for the next little while!
Of course, cutting the rough and curlies isn’t for everyone. If you are not in the habit of mowing your hedge in normal times, there’s no need to start now. Simply make sure to shampoo and condition regularly, and be sure to moisturize by brushing in coconut oil daily. Avoid knots and tangles by continuing to use your pubic-comb just as you would while not in quarantine.
If, on the other hand, you prefer the baby’s bottom feel for your adult front, more power to you! Keep up your shaving schedule, and keep your blade sharp enough that you’re a bit scared to bring it near your junk. Whether you shave, trim or pamper, you can’t let the threat of a virus destroy your will to have nicely framed genitals. Stay strong, and before long your pubic region will be back out there in the world! In the meantime, you might also need to sell some nudes to survive, so there’s that too.


thebeaverton--2020-03-22--Shower wondering if it’s ever going to see you again

YOUR BATHROOM – In the midst of a nationwide quarantine prompting citizens all over Canada to self-isolate , your shower just wanted to let you know that it was curious if it was ever going to see you again .
“ Look , I don ’ t want to pry into your personal hygiene or make you uncomfortable , ” the shower said , gazing down at the depressingly barren tub below .
“ But it ’ s now been over a week since we ’ ve spent any time together .
I ’ m getting worried about you .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ honest , I ’ m feeling a bit abandoned .
We ’ ve always had such a good two-way relationship , and now I feel like you don ’ t care about me anymore.
” The shower made a point of noting that it only knew you were alive in the first place because it heard the songs you are constantly singing to your cat in the living room .
It also brought up the fact that you haven ’ t changed out of the same pair of sweatpants the entire time you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ understand from overhearing your phone calls that you are choosing to sequester yourself at home for the good of the world , and I really applaud your efforts , ” the shower continued , mournfully swinging a loofah hanging from its nozzle .
“ But seriously , have you no self-respect ?
Does this lifestyle not bother you ?
Can you not smell yourself ?
” Despite your newfound neglect , the shower just wanted to make it very clear that it is a safe space for you to return to .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you ’ re ready .
I miss our sexy times together .
And the times when we would both cry , but you couldn ’ t tell because there was already water everywhere .
God , I ’ m fogging up just thinking about it.
” At press time , your shower was contemplating calling your therapist .

YOUR BATHROOM – In the midst of a nationwide quarantine prompting citizens all over Canada to self-isolate, your shower just wanted to let you know that it was curious if it was ever going to see you again.
“Look, I don’t want to pry into your personal hygiene or make you uncomfortable,” the shower said, gazing down at the depressingly barren tub below. “But it’s now been over a week since we’ve spent any time together. I’m getting worried about you. And, if I’m being honest, I’m feeling a bit abandoned. We’ve always had such a good two-way relationship, and now I feel like you don’t care about me anymore.”
The shower made a point of noting that it only knew you were alive in the first place because it heard the songs you are constantly singing to your cat in the living room. It also brought up the fact that you haven’t changed out of the same pair of sweatpants the entire time you’ve been quarantined.
“I understand from overhearing your phone calls that you are choosing to sequester yourself at home for the good of the world, and I really applaud your efforts,” the shower continued, mournfully swinging a loofah hanging from its nozzle. “But seriously, have you no self-respect? Does this lifestyle not bother you? Can you not smell yourself?”
Despite your newfound neglect, the shower just wanted to make it very clear that it is a safe space for you to return to.
“You can come back to me whenever you’re ready. I miss our sexy times together. And the times when we would both cry, but you couldn’t tell because there was already water everywhere. God, I’m fogging up just thinking about it.”
At press time, your shower was contemplating calling your therapist.


thebeaverton--2020-03-23--Nation’s tenants vow to cough on rent cheques

OTTAWA – With vast numbers of Canadians suddenly out of a job and no sign of relief from most landlords , the nation ’ s tenants have collectively vowed that if they must still pay rent , that rent cheque is getting coughed on hard .
“ I don ’ t wish COVID-19 on anyone , ” explained renter Terrence Myeong .
“ That ’ s why I ’ m staying home from my job in order to prevent the possible spread of the virus .
That said , if my landlord insists on doing his job of passively collecting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he ’ s taking , ” he added , before hacking up a lung into an envelope .
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has announced a number of economic relief measures aimed at any Canadian who has a mortgage , farm or oil patch during a series of press conferences outside of his government-subsidized housing .
While the mortgage-related measures certainly would cover property-owning landlords , none of these measures , however , have specifically offered any relief directly to tenants .
“ I normally pay my rent via direct-deposit , ” mentioned recently @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I will be making sure to hand deliver my rent this month in an envelope that I will have licked shut and sealed with a kiss .
It ’ s the least I can do.
” The nation ’ s landlords have responded to the COVID-19 crisis by embracing this new excuse not to send anybody over to fix anything .
“ In these unprecedented times where people must stay home , I like to think of us landlords as the true heroes who provide that home , ” stated building owner Gavin @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t get my money on the 1st of the month you ’ re out on your ass .
Being this big a hero ain ’ t free !
”

OTTAWA – With vast numbers of Canadians suddenly out of a job and no sign of relief from most landlords, the nation’s tenants have collectively vowed that if they must still pay rent, that rent cheque is getting coughed on hard.
“I don’t wish COVID-19 on anyone,” explained renter Terrence Myeong. “That’s why I’m staying home from my job in order to prevent the possible spread of the virus. That said, if my landlord insists on doing his job of passively collecting money, he should know the risks he’s taking,” he added, before hacking up a lung into an envelope.
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has announced a number of economic relief measures aimed at any Canadian who has a mortgage, farm or oil patch during a series of press conferences outside of his government-subsidized housing. While the mortgage-related measures certainly would cover property-owning landlords, none of these measures, however, have specifically offered any relief directly to tenants.
“I normally pay my rent via direct-deposit,” mentioned recently laid-off renter Anne Lindhome, “but I will be making sure to hand deliver my rent this month in an envelope that I will have licked shut and sealed with a kiss. It’s the least I can do.”
The nation’s landlords have responded to the COVID-19 crisis by embracing this new excuse not to send anybody over to fix anything.
“In these unprecedented times where people must stay home, I like to think of us landlords as the true heroes who provide that home,” stated building owner Gavin Tanguay.
“But if I don’t get my money on the 1st of the month you’re out on your ass. Being this big a hero ain’t free!”


thebeaverton--2020-03-23--Virus enters man without consent

Virus enters man without consent

RIKERS ISLAND , NY – Jailed rapist Harvey Weinstein has claimed that the novel coronavirus that causes COVID-19 has penetrated his body without his consent .
Tests have confirmed the presence of the virus , though many supporters of the virus dispute whether or not Weinstein was ‘ asking for it ’ .
“ Are you telling me that he went to that crowded jail full of people and he DIDN ’ T want a lil ’ taste of ‘ Rona ?
” asked one anonymous Twitter user .
“ I don ’ t buy it .
You don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s most notorious and disease-ridden jails unless you ’ re looking for some serious respiratory issues .
He probably just wanted the attention.
” Many internet commenters , curious about whether or not Weinstein had a protective mask and gloves on , have been asking “ what was he wearing ?
” Still others have cast their doubts based on the fact that so few tests are readily available to the general public .
“ Does he really expect me to believe he got his hands on a test from inside prison ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ That story has more plot holes than Shakespeare in Love !
” Prison warden Arnold Gerber has stated that he is willing to believe Weinstein ’ s claim just as soon as 90 or so other people come forward to corroborate it .

RIKERS ISLAND, NY – Jailed rapist Harvey Weinstein has claimed that the novel coronavirus that causes COVID-19 has penetrated his body without his consent. Tests have confirmed the presence of the virus, though many supporters of the virus dispute whether or not Weinstein was ‘asking for it’.
“Are you telling me that he went to that crowded jail full of people and he DIDN’T want a lil’ taste of ‘Rona?” asked one anonymous Twitter user. “I don’t buy it. You don’t go to one of America’s most notorious and disease-ridden jails unless you’re looking for some serious respiratory issues. He probably just wanted the attention.”
Many internet commenters, curious about whether or not Weinstein had a protective mask and gloves on, have been asking “what was he wearing?”
Still others have cast their doubts based on the fact that so few tests are readily available to the general public. “Does he really expect me to believe he got his hands on a test from inside prison?” asked one Reddit user. “That story has more plot holes than Shakespeare in Love!”
Prison warden Arnold Gerber has stated that he is willing to believe Weinstein’s claim just as soon as 90 or so other people come forward to corroborate it.