thebeaverton--2020-10-12--Dad treating Zoom Thanksgiving dinner like it’s headlining gig at Radio City

VANCOUVER – Local dad Keith Jacobs is reportedly dominating this year ’ s Thanksgiving dinner-via-Zoom like a young comic who just booked the big spot at Radio City .
Taking advantage of video chat ’ s limitation that only one person can speak at a time , Jacobs , 58 , is entering the second hour of his “ set ” of jokes , stories , and awkward musical interludes with no signs of slowing down .
Reviews so far have been mixed .
“ We all logged in and said our hellos , then suddenly he “ walks ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ marionette and just has not let up since , ” said daughter and unwitting audience member Kylie Jacobs .
“ Every time someone tries to say anything he gets another notch louder .
So eventually we all gave up , that was like 30 minutes ago.
” “ He started really strong with some classic dad zingers , ” said youngest son Cooper Jacobs .
“ But I think we all could have done without the extended bit on cancel culture and the ‘ PC Police.
’ ” “ I thought he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ controversial aunt Caroline Jacobs-DuMaurier .
“ Everyone knows these SJWs just want to inject us with Bill Gates ’ poison so they can ruin our country.
” “ But he ’ s such a cut-up , isn ’ t he ?
” said Lorraine Jacobs , family matriarch .
“ And with everything happening , it ’ s just so nice to see everyone and even though it ’ s not quite the same and Kylie looks so tired… I ’ m sorry just getting a bit teary !
” There have been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ extended performance .
“ I hope she ’ s okay with the language , ” said Cooper .
“ And I haven ’ t really seen her move in about 20 minutes , so she ’ s either asleep or the stream froze or… ” Davidson ’ s best stuff is reportedly coming out of the back and forth with his sidekick and long time brother “ Uncle Jack , ” though there were several technical problems that caused them to miss the punchlines on the “ time we stole that canoe from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ promised to iron out any kinks before their upcoming show at Kylie ’ s wedding next month .
At press time the family had set up a separate Google Hangout so they could discuss the best way to shut down the performance and also send someone to Grandma ’ s to see if she ’ s okay .

VANCOUVER – Local dad Keith Jacobs is reportedly dominating this year’s Thanksgiving dinner-via-Zoom like a young comic who just booked the big spot at Radio City.
Taking advantage of video chat’s limitation that only one person can speak at a time, Jacobs, 58, is entering the second hour of his “set” of jokes, stories, and awkward musical interludes with no signs of slowing down. Reviews so far have been mixed.
“We all logged in and said our hellos, then suddenly he “walks” their turkey into frame like a friggin’ marionette and just has not let up since,” said daughter and unwitting audience member Kylie Jacobs. “Every time someone tries to say anything he gets another notch louder. So eventually we all gave up, that was like 30 minutes ago.”
“He started really strong with some classic dad zingers,” said youngest son Cooper Jacobs. “But I think we all could have done without the extended bit on cancel culture and the ‘PC Police.’”
“I thought he made some good points,” said controversial aunt Caroline Jacobs-DuMaurier. “Everyone knows these SJWs just want to inject us with Bill Gates’ poison so they can ruin our country.”
“But he’s such a cut-up, isn’t he?” said Lorraine Jacobs, family matriarch. “And with everything happening, it’s just so nice to see everyone and even though it’s not quite the same and Kylie looks so tired… I’m sorry just getting a bit teary!”
There have been some concerns for Grandma Jacobs during the extended performance. “I hope she’s okay with the language,” said Cooper. “And I haven’t really seen her move in about 20 minutes, so she’s either asleep or the stream froze or…”
Davidson’s best stuff is reportedly coming out of the back and forth with his sidekick and long time brother “Uncle Jack,” though there were several technical problems that caused them to miss the punchlines on the “time we stole that canoe from camp” story. The two have promised to iron out any kinks before their upcoming show at Kylie’s wedding next month.
At press time the family had set up a separate Google Hangout so they could discuss the best way to shut down the performance and also send someone to Grandma’s to see if she’s okay.


thebeaverton--2020-10-13--“Trump is finished” declares man who thought Trump couldn’t win in 2016

VANCOUVER – After a detailed analysis of the latest polls and several visits to fivethirtyeight.com Martin Kilroy has announced his conclusion that Trump will definitely lose the 2020 election with nearly the same amount of vigor and certainty that he declared Trump could never win in 2016 .
“ It ’ s basic math .
If you look at the state by state polls and early voting returns it ’ s clear that Trump has no path to victory , ” said Kilroy who said the same exact thing in 2016 , only then he said road to win instead @ @ @ @ @ @ @ believe otherwise would be to think that polls simply don ’ t catch millions of white Americans who are unlikely voters but come out for Trump not despite his white supremacy , but because of it , ” he said today and also October 29th , 2016 .
Kilroy is confident that in a few short weeks America will return to normal , despite his previous assertion that “ even if Trump does win , it won ’ t be so bad , ” being just so fucking wrong .
He is already @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his cabinet , how many seats the Democrats will add to the Supreme Court , and what the fun couple name will be for the inevitable bromance between Biden and Trudeau .
“ ‘ JustJoe !
’ It ’ s sitting right there , ” said the man who had his # girlboss Hillary Clinton status ready to go in 2016 .
“ I ’ m telling you , I ’ ve done the research this time , ” said Kilroy .
“ As long as ignore the rampant voter suppression , Russian @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Supreme Court to declare Trump the winner no matter what the vote says , Biden can ’ t lose !
” Kilroy then announced plans to bet on the election , so that when Trump wins he can weep for both humanity and his savings account .

VANCOUVER – After a detailed analysis of the latest polls and several visits to fivethirtyeight.com Martin Kilroy has announced his conclusion that Trump will definitely lose the 2020 election with nearly the same amount of vigor and certainty that he declared Trump could never win in 2016.
“It’s basic math. If you look at the state by state polls and early voting returns it’s clear that Trump has no path to victory,” said Kilroy who said the same exact thing in 2016, only then he said road to win instead of path to victory.
“To believe otherwise would be to think that polls simply don’t catch millions of white Americans who are unlikely voters but come out for Trump not despite his white supremacy, but because of it,” he said today and also October 29th, 2016.
Kilroy is confident that in a few short weeks America will return to normal, despite his previous assertion that “even if Trump does win, it won’t be so bad,” being just so fucking wrong.
He is already speculating about who Biden will appoint to his cabinet, how many seats the Democrats will add to the Supreme Court, and what the fun couple name will be for the inevitable bromance between Biden and Trudeau.
“‘JustJoe!’ It’s sitting right there,” said the man who had his #girlboss Hillary Clinton status ready to go in 2016.
“I’m telling you, I’ve done the research this time,” said Kilroy. “As long as ignore the rampant voter suppression, Russian interference and clear plan for the Conservative Supreme Court to declare Trump the winner no matter what the vote says, Biden can’t lose!”
Kilroy then announced plans to bet on the election, so that when Trump wins he can weep for both humanity and his savings account.


thebeaverton--2020-10-13--Alberta Health Minister reduces maximum lifespan to 70

EDMONTON – In a sweeping round of cuts , Alberta Health Minister Tyler Shandro has revealed a significant reduction in @ @ @ @ @ the province ’ s citizens .
Shandro made the announcement from the driveway of a @ @ @ @ @ “ We can save billions of taxpayer dollars if people didn ’ t live as @ @ @ @ @ UCP cabinet minister .
“ A maximum lifespan set at age 70 would help balance @ @ @ @ @ saved would be reinvested back into brand development for the Canadian Energy Centre.
” The @ @ @ @ @ to audit AHS last year also recommended that the provincial healthcare system outsource its services @ @ @ @ @ firms .
“ After the age of 70 , you ’ re not much use @ @ @ @ @ overlords , ” added Shandro .
“ But seniors will be thankful that they ’ @ @ @ @ @ a hydrocarbon.
” In related news , the Health Minister promised to thank every health @ @ @ @ @ hard-work and dedication during a pandemic before firing them .

EDMONTON – In a sweeping round of cuts, Alberta Health Minister Tyler Shandro has revealed a significant reduction in the maximum life span of the province’s citizens.
Shandro made the announcement from the driveway of a doctor he was threatening.
“We can save billions of taxpayer dollars if people didn’t live as long,” said the UCP cabinet minister. “A maximum lifespan set at age 70 would help balance the books. The money saved would be reinvested back into brand development for the Canadian Energy Centre.”
The private, multinational firm hired to audit AHS last year also recommended that the provincial healthcare system outsource its services to other private, multinational firms.
“After the age of 70, you’re not much use to our oil and gas overlords,” added Shandro. “But seniors will be thankful that they’re helping Alberta by becoming a hydrocarbon.”
In related news, the Health Minister promised to thank every health care worker for their continued hard-work and dedication during a pandemic before firing them.


thebeaverton--2020-10-13--FEMINISM WIN: This girl boss is reuniting the long-separated Church and State

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Watch out , the patriarchy !
Total girlboss Amy Coney-Barrett is on her way to joining the Supreme Court , where she ’ ll use her combination glass-ceiling-slash-civil-rights-smashing hammer of justice to reunite the long-separated church and state !
There ’ s so much to love about Notorious A.C.B and her quest to Make America Gilead Again .
First of all , she ’ s a white woman who has excelled at what is traditionally a boy job , which we think is pretty # empowering .
And she did it all while having children .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ s hard to understand how she juggles her love of work , family , and oppressing the electorate , but nevertheless , Amy persisted .
As a lifelong Catholic , Amy Coney-Barrett ’ s good Christian values are on fleek .
Too often we forget about that part in the Bible where Jesus did a big thumbs up while standing on the grave of some guy who died because he couldn ’ t afford insulin .
But A.C.B remembers , and given her judicial record , we could be living in that beautiful @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
And we haven ’ t even talked about Roe v. Wade .
When ’ s the last time you had a hyper-religious Catholic man up in those guts ?
Amy Coney-Barrett wants to make sure your answer to that question is “ always , because the government has annexed my uterus in the name of a fetus I have not yet conceived.
” It takes a bad bitch to reunite the church and state , but it takes the baddest bitch to make that reunion happen inside of every pussy in America @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s the baddest bitch .
Oh , and remember the 2000 election , where George W. Bush got assertive and did some serious manifesting on a ton of contested ballots in Florida ?
Well , it turns out the second Bush presidency might not have happened without the help of then-associate and paragon of Christ-adjacent girl power Amy Coney-Barrett , who was there on the ground with Bush ’ s legal team .
Get in losers , we ’ re stealing a second contested election !
For too long , America has thought @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and Rachel : they were on a break .
But Amy Coney-Barrett , feminist icon , knows the truth : they ’ ve basically been MFEO this whole time , and it ’ s time to end the will-they-won ’ t-they once and for all .
If that ’ s not leaning in , I don ’ t know what is !

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Watch out, the patriarchy! Total girlboss Amy Coney-Barrett is on her way to joining the Supreme Court, where she’ll use her combination glass-ceiling-slash-civil-rights-smashing hammer of justice to reunite the long-separated church and state!
There’s so much to love about Notorious A.C.B and her quest to Make America Gilead Again. First of all, she’s a white woman who has excelled at what is traditionally a boy job, which we think is pretty #empowering. And she did it all while having children. Can you believe?! It’s hard to understand how she juggles her love of work, family, and oppressing the electorate, but nevertheless, Amy persisted.
As a lifelong Catholic, Amy Coney-Barrett’s good Christian values are on fleek. Too often we forget about that part in the Bible where Jesus did a big thumbs up while standing on the grave of some guy who died because he couldn’t afford insulin. But A.C.B remembers, and given her judicial record, we could be living in that beautiful Biblical image any day now. Incredible!
And we haven’t even talked about Roe v. Wade. When’s the last time you had a hyper-religious Catholic man up in those guts? Amy Coney-Barrett wants to make sure your answer to that question is “always, because the government has annexed my uterus in the name of a fetus I have not yet conceived.” It takes a bad bitch to reunite the church and state, but it takes the baddest bitch to make that reunion happen inside of every pussy in America. And Amy Coney-Barrett? She’s the baddest bitch.
Oh, and remember the 2000 election, where George W. Bush got assertive and did some serious manifesting on a ton of contested ballots in Florida? Well, it turns out the second Bush presidency might not have happened without the help of then-associate and paragon of Christ-adjacent girl power Amy Coney-Barrett, who was there on the ground with Bush’s legal team. Get in losers, we’re stealing a second contested election!
For too long, America has thought of the Church and State like Ross and Rachel: they were on a break. But Amy Coney-Barrett, feminist icon, knows the truth: they’ve basically been MFEO this whole time, and it’s time to end the will-they-won’t-they once and for all. If that’s not leaning in, I don’t know what is!


thebeaverton--2020-10-15--Sask Premier Scott Moe leaves scene after colliding with debate

REGINA – Saskatchewan Premier Scott Moe has been reportedly involved in another accident , this time colliding into two debate @ @ @ @ @ through the CBC Saskatchewan galleria in Regina despite pleas from terrified onlookers .
The vehicle @ @ @ @ @ NDP opponent before slamming into the two debate podiums .
Sask Party executive members denied @ @ @ @ @ as the vehicle left the scene speeding down Broad St. “ That could ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ driving a Saskatchewan Party SUV , ” said a senior member of the party claiming @ @ @ @ @ the real Scott Moe to make an appearance .
“ In fact , I think @ @ @ @ @ and tire marks is just some kind of performance or prairie mirage or something.
” @ @ @ @ @ he indicated that he couldn ’ t remember the events .

REGINA – Saskatchewan Premier Scott Moe has been reportedly involved in another accident, this time colliding into two debate podiums.
The driver plowed through the CBC Saskatchewan galleria in Regina despite pleas from terrified onlookers. The vehicle nearly clipped Moe’s NDP opponent before slamming into the two debate podiums.
Sask Party executive members denied any role of the Premier as the vehicle left the scene speeding down Broad St.
“That could’ve been anyone named Scott Moe driving a Saskatchewan Party SUV,” said a senior member of the party claiming that he was waiting for the real Scott Moe to make an appearance. “In fact, I think this scene of broken glass and tire marks is just some kind of performance or prairie mirage or something.”
When Moe later reappeared, he indicated that he couldn’t remember the events.


thebeaverton--2020-10-14--TTC tells riders who want physical distancing to only ride the Sheppard line

TORONTO – After telling riders physical distancing “ will no longer be possible ” on its vehicles , the TTC has clarified by pointing out that riders will easily be able to maintain 6 feet of personal space , provided all they do is ride line 4 back and forth from Sheppard to Don Mills .
“ We take passenger safety concerns just as seriously as we do the need for 506 Kennedy to please call control , ” said TTC spokesperson Brigitte Kendrick .
“ But it is simply impossible to run a citywide transit service that follows public @ @ @ @ @ @ @ many cities currently doing so .
Fortunately , this kind of situation is exactly why we spent billions of dollars building a mostly empty subway line along Sheppard street !
” “ Aren ’ t you pretty excited to see what the Bessarion and Leslie stations look like ?
” she added .
The TTC assured nervous customers that not only would they be able to maintain 6 feet of space , they would probably have the whole subway car to themselves , something that even the most ardent TTC critic would have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I live in the Junction and I work downtown so this doesn ’ t exactly help , but it is nice to have room to breathe , ” said resident Kaya Singh as she pulled into Don Mills station for the fourth time .
“ I guess I would go to the Shops at Don Mills if it wasn ’ t for , you know , the global pandemic that caused all this in the first place.
” For those 98 % of Torontonians for whom the Sheppard line is useless the TTC @ @ @ @ @ @ @ distancing .
These include getting off and waiting for a less crowded bus or subway , biking , and creating your own god damn mass transit system if you think its so fucking easy .

TORONTO – After telling riders physical distancing “will no longer be possible” on its vehicles, the TTC has clarified by pointing out that riders will easily be able to maintain 6 feet of personal space, provided all they do is ride line 4 back and forth from Sheppard to Don Mills.
“We take passenger safety concerns just as seriously as we do the need for 506 Kennedy to please call control,” said TTC spokesperson Brigitte Kendrick. “But it is simply impossible to run a citywide transit service that follows public health guidelines, unless you count the many cities currently doing so. Fortunately, this kind of situation is exactly why we spent billions of dollars building a mostly empty subway line along Sheppard street!”
“Aren’t you pretty excited to see what the Bessarion and Leslie stations look like?” she added.
The TTC assured nervous customers that not only would they be able to maintain 6 feet of space, they would probably have the whole subway car to themselves, something that even the most ardent TTC critic would have to admit is very fancy.
“I live in the Junction and I work downtown so this doesn’t exactly help, but it is nice to have room to breathe,” said resident Kaya Singh as she pulled into Don Mills station for the fourth time.
“I guess I would go to the Shops at Don Mills if it wasn’t for, you know, the global pandemic that caused all this in the first place.”
For those 98% of Torontonians for whom the Sheppard line is useless the TTC did have other recommendations to maintain physical distancing. These include getting off and waiting for a less crowded bus or subway, biking, and creating your own god damn mass transit system if you think its so fucking easy.


thebeaverton--2020-10-15--Biden creates OnlyFans channel to capture key pervert vote

DELAWARE – Democratic party nominee Joe Biden has announced the opening of a new channel on OnlyFans in order to convey his message of national unity to the website ’ s army of loyal perverts .
“ I am thrilled to show the American people that the Democrats do not ignore any aspect of society , including the sexually adventurous !
” shouted Biden at a recent socially distanced outdoor rally , “ And I am just so proud to be adding my presence to this worthy forum alongside such other luminaries as EdgeMaster_Jeff , GobbleDick49 , and BottomlessSpit.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in which individuals can connect with subscribers and show off their specific talents , usually culminating in the diffuse expulsion of body fluids from performers and observers .
Many users reject the description of the site as sordid or pornographic and claim that it is in fact the perfect vehicle to connect with Americans , “ particularly the pervert ones ” during the current coronavirus pandemic .
The response from OnlyFans users has been overwhelmingly positive .
“ Last night I was really engaging with this 22 year old Korean girl who , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that if I just tipped another $ 100 , she would finally coax her Slavic boyfriend to completion into a bucket of old , used clown wigs , ” said Thomas Lonegraan , a local OnlyFans aficionado , “ and I suddenly wondered how the presidential candidates would help encourage this beautiful art form ” .
With Biden currently vowing not to hold in-person rallies , pundits have applauded his OnlyFans gambit .
Biden campaign staff reveal that they are successfully using the platform to target Minnesota perverts , suburban perverts , panhandle @ @ @ @ @ @ @ votes .
Experts presume that the pervert demographic comprises anywhere from 97 % to 100 % of the American population and remains an untapped source of votes .
Indeed , Biden has seized on not only the direct access to the public afforded by OnlyFans , but also the fundraising potential by the tips given to performers .
The former Vice-President has committed that for a tip of $ 50 , he will give a live overview of his political platform ; for $ 100 he will send a personalized thank you card @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shove a candlestick as far as he can into his own butthole .
In response to the news , the site ’ s management has announced that all tips will now count as campaign contributions for tax purposes .
As well , OnlyFans is currently in the process of reforming as a Super PAC .
“ Perverts of the United States of America , no longer will you be ignored and left in the dark , to feel used up and thrown away by those in power !
” said Biden in his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ unless of course that ’ s the specific kink you ’ re into in which case smash that tip button and I ’ ll get you where you need to go.
” In response to the news , Donald Trump stated that OnlyFans is a tool of left-wing Liberal socialists and he pledges to only jerk off shamefully in his uncle ’ s attic with a box of 70 ’ s Hustler magazines , like a true American .

DELAWARE – Democratic party nominee Joe Biden has announced the opening of a new channel on OnlyFans in order to convey his message of national unity to the website’s army of loyal perverts.
“I am thrilled to show the American people that the Democrats do not ignore any aspect of society, including the sexually adventurous!” shouted Biden at a recent socially distanced outdoor rally, “And I am just so proud to be adding my presence to this worthy forum alongside such other luminaries as EdgeMaster_Jeff, GobbleDick49, and BottomlessSpit.”
OnlyFans is a live streaming video service in which individuals can connect with subscribers and show off their specific talents, usually culminating in the diffuse expulsion of body fluids from performers and observers. Many users reject the description of the site as sordid or pornographic and claim that it is in fact the perfect vehicle to connect with Americans, “particularly the pervert ones” during the current coronavirus pandemic. The response from OnlyFans users has been overwhelmingly positive.
“Last night I was really engaging with this 22 year old Korean girl who, after four hours of teasing, promised that if I just tipped another $100, she would finally coax her Slavic boyfriend to completion into a bucket of old, used clown wigs,” said Thomas Lonegraan, a local OnlyFans aficionado, “and I suddenly wondered how the presidential candidates would help encourage this beautiful art form”.
With Biden currently vowing not to hold in-person rallies, pundits have applauded his OnlyFans gambit. Biden campaign staff reveal that they are successfully using the platform to target Minnesota perverts, suburban perverts, panhandle perverts, elderly perverts, and LatinXXX votes.
Experts presume that the pervert demographic comprises anywhere from 97% to 100% of the American population and remains an untapped source of votes. Indeed, Biden has seized on not only the direct access to the public afforded by OnlyFans, but also the fundraising potential by the tips given to performers. The former Vice-President has committed that for a tip of $50, he will give a live overview of his political platform; for $100 he will send a personalized thank you card; and for $250 he will shove a candlestick as far as he can into his own butthole.
In response to the news, the site’s management has announced that all tips will now count as campaign contributions for tax purposes. As well, OnlyFans is currently in the process of reforming as a Super PAC.
“Perverts of the United States of America, no longer will you be ignored and left in the dark, to feel used up and thrown away by those in power!” said Biden in his premiere $10 level video, “unless of course that’s the specific kink you’re into in which case smash that tip button and I’ll get you where you need to go.”
In response to the news, Donald Trump stated that OnlyFans is a tool of left-wing Liberal socialists and he pledges to only jerk off shamefully in his uncle’s attic with a box of 70’s Hustler magazines, like a true American.


thebeaverton--2020-10-16--“Somebody should call the police,” say NS RCMP officers watching van being torched

NEW EDINBURGH , NS – A group of RCMP officers watched helplessly as white lobster fisherman broke into an Indigenous @ @ @ @ @ and set fire to a van .
Armed with semi-automatic pistols and protected by bullet @ @ @ @ @ words ‘ POLICE ’ , the twelve law-enforcement officers wondered when it was appropriate to @ @ @ @ @ Are death threats and hate crimes illegal in Canada ?
” question Sgt .
Allen @ @ @ @ @ detachment while watching several hate crimes unfold .
“ My brother knows a cop , @ @ @ @ @ call him before I report this.
” The thin blue line of bystanders couldn ’ @ @ @ @ @ did nothing to protect people and their treaty rights affirmed by the Supreme Court of @ @ @ @ @ , other members of the police force said they were too busy stalking a person @ @ @ @ @ grocery store .

NEW EDINBURGH, NS – A group of RCMP officers watched helplessly as white lobster fisherman broke into an Indigenous fishery, vandalized property, and set fire to a van.
Armed with semi-automatic pistols and protected by bullet proof vests emblazoned with the words ‘POLICE’, the twelve law-enforcement officers wondered when it was appropriate to alert the authorities.
“Are death threats and hate crimes illegal in Canada?” question Sgt. Allen Smith of the local RCMP detachment while watching several hate crimes unfold. “My brother knows a cop, so maybe I’ll call him before I report this.”
The thin blue line of bystanders couldn’t look away as they did nothing to protect people and their treaty rights affirmed by the Supreme Court of Canada.
According to sources, other members of the police force said they were too busy stalking a person of colour at a local grocery store.


thebeaverton--2020-10-16--Pizza Pizza to start delivering gross slice you only buy because it’s 2am and you’re drunk

TORONTO – With COVID restrictions cutting into their customer base of ‘ people who wandered in drunk because they recognized the orange sign ’ Pizza Pizza has announced that they will now start delivering that disgusting , shrivelled up piece of pizza that these customers have been ordering for years .
“ If there is one thing customers associate with Pizza Pizza it ’ s people getting into fights in line .
But if there is a second thing it ’ s making terrible food choices that they never would have made sober , ” said company rep Paula Gwyn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ll deliver this husk of cheesy cardboard right to your door you can have that feeling again.
” “ For an extra 2 dollars we ’ ll even throw in fries that are so cold and hard you ’ ll have to suck them like a freezie , ” she added .
Since the pandemic started Pizza Pizza has had to throw away tons of slices that just barely meet the legal definition of pizza .
But now for just $ 4.00 plus a 15 dollar delivery fee those slices could be filling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of regret you enjoyed after every night out in your twenties .
“ We were a bit worried that a single slice featuring curled up pepperoni and what we can only hope is a mushroom wouldn ’ t appeal to customers since they ’ d be home alone .
But once we saw the numbers on how many people are spending the pandemic drinking alone , we knew there ’ d be a strong market , ” said Gwyn .
In related news the McDonald ’ s app will now give customers the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ did last time they were high , so they won ’ t have to go to the trouble of manually ordering 60 mcnuggets and one small Fanta .

TORONTO – With COVID restrictions cutting into their customer base of ‘people who wandered in drunk because they recognized the orange sign’ Pizza Pizza has announced that they will now start delivering that disgusting, shrivelled up piece of pizza that these customers have been ordering for years.
“If there is one thing customers associate with Pizza Pizza it’s people getting into fights in line. But if there is a second thing it’s making terrible food choices that they never would have made sober,” said company rep Paula Gwyn. “Well now that we’ll deliver this husk of cheesy cardboard right to your door you can have that feeling again.”
“For an extra 2 dollars we’ll even throw in fries that are so cold and hard you’ll have to suck them like a freezie,” she added.
Since the pandemic started Pizza Pizza has had to throw away tons of slices that just barely meet the legal definition of pizza. But now for just $4.00 plus a 15 dollar delivery fee those slices could be filling your belly, alongside that warm feeling of regret you enjoyed after every night out in your twenties.
“We were a bit worried that a single slice featuring curled up pepperoni and what we can only hope is a mushroom wouldn’t appeal to customers since they’d be home alone. But once we saw the numbers on how many people are spending the pandemic drinking alone, we knew there’d be a strong market,” said Gwyn.
In related news the McDonald’s app will now give customers the option to order the same thing they did last time they were high, so they won’t have to go to the trouble of manually ordering 60 mcnuggets and one small Fanta.


thebeaverton--2020-10-16--Super Mario 3D All-Stars Review: Your family doesn’t love you, only Mario loves you

Super Mario 3D All-Stars : 4/5 stars – Lets-a-go back in time with the new Super Mario 3D All-Stars collection including Super Mario 64 , Super Mario Sunshine , and Super Mario Galaxy which after purchasing will shower you in the love that only a-me , Mario , can give you because your family secretly despises you behind your back !
First , dive into my all-time classic Super Mario 64 for the Nintendo 64 .
Relive the magic of finding all of the 120 stars along with your pal , Mario , who is always there for you .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ your mother ’ s new boyfriend who doesn ’ t “ get ” you .
Mario will ‘ a-go ’ with you anywhere !
One day your family will die , but Mario never will .
He has a-so many lives !
Next , take a trip back to Isle Delfino in Super Mario Sunshine .
Collect all 120 shine sprites with Mario without anyone telling you you can ’ t “ afford ” to go on vacation this year .
The tropical setting of Super Mario Sunshine has aged quite well , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ never apologized for pulling down your pants in front of your cousins at Thanksgiving dinner when you were 7 .
Mario would never pull down your pants .
Mario loves you and wants to be with you forever .
Can your parents hug you ?
Sure but they don ’ t want to .
The only familial connection you need is Luigi ’ s dead stare .
Oh , your father is also an Italian plumber ?
Well is he happy ?
Mario is happy .
Sounds a-like Martin is-a not .
Finally @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the stars with Super Mario Galaxy .
Can your family take you to space ?
Didn ’ t think so .
That ’ s some Mario-only shit .
Help Mario save Princess Peach , oh yeah , she loves you too .
She ’ s waiting for you to rescue her .
Does your partner even think you ’ re capable of that ?
Probably not .
So why are you spending money on them when you could spend it on Mario ?
Mario has been there since you were a kid supporting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ need a little something in return .
So get your wallet out and send us a-money for the games you already have because only our a-love is real and your nostalgia is how Mario sustains his immortality .
That ’ s right , get a new credit card for Mario .
Show a-me that you-a care !
Enjoyed this review ?
Then check out our review on the newest Legend of Zelda remake where Princess Zelda will say yes to all your requests , unlike Sarah from History class who will not go @ @ @ @ @

Super Mario 3D All-Stars: 4/5 stars – Lets-a-go back in time with the new Super Mario 3D All-Stars collection including Super Mario 64, Super Mario Sunshine, and Super Mario Galaxy which after purchasing will shower you in the love that only a-me, Mario, can give you because your family secretly despises you behind your back!
First, dive into my all-time classic Super Mario 64 for the Nintendo 64. Relive the magic of finding all of the 120 stars along with your pal, Mario, who is always there for you. Mario isn’t like Trent, your mother’s new boyfriend who doesn’t “get” you. Mario will ‘a-go’ with you anywhere! One day your family will die, but Mario never will. He has a-so many lives!
Next, take a trip back to Isle Delfino in Super Mario Sunshine. Collect all 120 shine sprites with Mario without anyone telling you you can’t “afford” to go on vacation this year. The tropical setting of Super Mario Sunshine has aged quite well, unlike your relationship with your sister who never apologized for pulling down your pants in front of your cousins at Thanksgiving dinner when you were 7. Mario would never pull down your pants.
Mario loves you and wants to be with you forever. Can your parents hug you? Sure but they don’t want to. The only familial connection you need is Luigi’s dead stare. Oh, your father is also an Italian plumber? Well is he happy? Mario is happy. Sounds a-like Martin is-a not.
Finally, take your relationship with Mario to the stars with Super Mario Galaxy. Can your family take you to space? Didn’t think so. That’s some Mario-only shit. Help Mario save Princess Peach, oh yeah, she loves you too. She’s waiting for you to rescue her. Does your partner even think you’re capable of that? Probably not. So why are you spending money on them when you could spend it on Mario?
Mario has been there since you were a kid supporting you, and now Nintendo and a-Mario need a little something in return. So get your wallet out and send us a-money for the games you already have because only our a-love is real and your nostalgia is how Mario sustains his immortality. That’s right, get a new credit card for Mario. Show a-me that you-a care!
Enjoyed this review? Then check out our review on the newest Legend of Zelda remake where Princess Zelda will say yes to all your requests, unlike Sarah from History class who will not go to prom with you.


thebeaverton--2020-10-17--GOP proves existence of election fraud by committing election fraud

LOS ANGELES – The California Republican Party has announced “ smoking gun ” evidence of statewide election fraud , the existence of which has been a cornerstone of GOP efforts to delegitimize the 2020 race .
The announcement came shortly after election officials caught the GOP placing more than 100 ballot-collection boxes around Southern California , preemptively committing the fraud they have been warning people about .
Although it is legal in California to collect ballots for others — commonly called “ ballot harvesting ” because it sounds like something from a Stephen King novel about a spooky election — @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a clear chain of custody can be established .
“ This is exactly the kind of outright criminal activity that is destroying our electoral process , ” California Republican Party spokesperson Hector Barajas said in a released statement .
“ You can ’ t tell me there ’ s nothing fishy about unofficial voting boxes labeled ‘ official , ’ distributed by Republicans , to gather ballots collected by Republicans , and delivered to a polling site by Republicans .
This just shows you how rampant election fraud is .
Which we know @ @ @ @ @ @ @ doing it.
” Similar instances of election fraud have been reported by state Republicans across the country , including Texas governor Greg Abbot limiting ballot boxes to one per county , and Florida governor Ron DeSantis mandating all voters run a gauntlet where they have to eat a dozen Chick-Fil-A nuggets and listen to Ted Nugent ’ s entire catalog before casting their vote .
“ Sometimes suppressing votes just isn ’ t enough , ” tweeted national GOP chair Ronna McDaniel in response to the controversy .
“ We need to think @ @ @ @ @ @ @ how illegitimate the election process is .
And the best way to do that is to reveal how easily Democrats could rig this election .
Which they didn ’ t .
So we had to.
” Democrats have decried the activity as part of a nationwide effort by the GOP to rig the upcoming election by disenfranchising minority voters and vowed to immediately combat these activities before election day by forming an emergency committee to establish rules for a blue ribbon panel to present a mandate for a subcommittee to look at the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ considering convening a board of inquiry .

LOS ANGELES – The California Republican Party has announced “smoking gun” evidence of statewide election fraud, the existence of which has been a cornerstone of GOP efforts to delegitimize the 2020 race.
The announcement came shortly after election officials caught the GOP placing more than 100 ballot-collection boxes around Southern California, preemptively committing the fraud they have been warning people about. Although it is legal in California to collect ballots for others — commonly called “ballot harvesting” because it sounds like something from a Stephen King novel about a spooky election — the process must be conducted person-to-person so a clear chain of custody can be established.
“This is exactly the kind of outright criminal activity that is destroying our electoral process,” California Republican Party spokesperson Hector Barajas said in a released statement. “You can’t tell me there’s nothing fishy about unofficial voting boxes labeled ‘official,’ distributed by Republicans, to gather ballots collected by Republicans, and delivered to a polling site by Republicans. This just shows you how rampant election fraud is. Which we know, because we’re the ones doing it.”
Similar instances of election fraud have been reported by state Republicans across the country, including Texas governor Greg Abbot limiting ballot boxes to one per county, and Florida governor Ron DeSantis mandating all voters run a gauntlet where they have to eat a dozen Chick-Fil-A nuggets and listen to Ted Nugent’s entire catalog before casting their vote.
“Sometimes suppressing votes just isn’t enough,” tweeted national GOP chair Ronna McDaniel in response to the controversy. “We need to think outside the ballot box, and show how illegitimate the election process is. And the best way to do that is to reveal how easily Democrats could rig this election. Which they didn’t. So we had to.”
Democrats have decried the activity as part of a nationwide effort by the GOP to rig the upcoming election by disenfranchising minority voters and vowed to immediately combat these activities before election day by forming an emergency committee to establish rules for a blue ribbon panel to present a mandate for a subcommittee to look at the polls and determine the feasibility of potentially considering convening a board of inquiry.


thebeaverton--2020-10-17--Nova Scotia RCMP claim they’re not racist since they can’t protect white people either

DIGBY , NS – After being accused of racism for allowing white fishermen to destroy Indigenous lobster fisheries , the RCMP clarified that they can ’ t protect anyone regardless of race .
“ Whoa , whoa , whoa , watch who you ’ re calling racist there buddy , ” said a defensive RCMP Staff Sgt Ray Smith .
“ The people of Nova Scotia can be assured that we ’ re going to treat these cases of arsons and assaults the way we treat all crimes : with shameful incompetence and passing the blame.
” Whether the victims @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , police claim they can ’ t see colour , and white perpetrators are literally invisible to them .
“ We are consistent in every approach whether we ’ re responding to a robbery or an active shooter situation – we ’ re nowhere to be found , ” said Smith .
The RCMP was quick to clarify that systematic racism does exist in Canada .
“ Just look at all the hate crimes we ’ re not investigating.
” At press time , the Mounties said they always get their innocent man @

DIGBY, NS – After being accused of racism for allowing white fishermen to destroy Indigenous lobster fisheries, the RCMP clarified that they can’t protect anyone regardless of race.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, watch who you’re calling racist there buddy,” said a defensive RCMP Staff Sgt Ray Smith. “The people of Nova Scotia can be assured that we’re going to treat these cases of arsons and assaults the way we treat all crimes: with shameful incompetence and passing the blame.”
Whether the victims are white, Black, or Indigenous, police claim they can’t see colour, and white perpetrators are literally invisible to them.
“We are consistent in every approach whether we’re responding to a robbery or an active shooter situation – we’re nowhere to be found,” said Smith.
The RCMP was quick to clarify that systematic racism does exist in Canada.
“Just look at all the hate crimes we’re not investigating.”
At press time, the Mounties said they always get their innocent man.


thebeaverton--2020-10-18--Entire population taking the same goddamned hike at the same goddamn time

GATINEAU , QC – Reports indicate that every goddamned person out there and their dog is taking the same hike @ @ @ @ @ Billions gathered at the trailhead as an alternative to indoor activities and to avoid others @ @ @ @ @ a great idea , ” said everyone who will be walking shoulder-to-shoulder en masse .
@ @ @ @ @ harsh realities of plagues and politics was ruined by an unending human stampede trampling over @ @ @ @ @ Leviathan refused to leave the best viewing spots and constantly walked into every photo you @ @ @ @ @ Your hike also featured the familiar sounds of car alarms and screaming children to ensure @ @ @ @ @ returns to your cherished trail .
As a more peaceful alternative for next week , @ @ @ @ @ aisles at a local Costco for a few hours .

GATINEAU, QC – Reports indicate that every goddamned person out there and their dog is taking the same hike you’re taking.
Billions gathered at the trailhead as an alternative to indoor activities and to avoid others.
“A hike is a great idea,” said everyone who will be walking shoulder-to-shoulder en masse.
Your pastoral escape from the harsh realities of plagues and politics was ruined by an unending human stampede trampling over terrified wildlife.
The Hobbesian Leviathan refused to leave the best viewing spots and constantly walked into every photo you were trying to take.
Your hike also featured the familiar sounds of car alarms and screaming children to ensure no species of birds ever returns to your cherished trail.
As a more peaceful alternative for next week, you plan on walking the aisles at a local Costco for a few hours.


thebeaverton--2020-10-19--Anti-mask protest unites Toronto’s ‘moron’ and ‘asshole’ communities

TORONTO – This weekend thousands gathered for an anti-mask protest in downtown Toronto which successfully combined the city ’ s notoriously exclusive ‘ moron ’ and ‘ asshole ’ constituencies .
As the protest filled Toronto ’ s Yonge Dundas Square , many reported seeing proud members of the moron community mingling and allying with outspoken assholes as far as the eye could see .
The event ’ s organizers cheered on the two camps for finding mutual ground .
“ While the evils of social distancing and actually following public health guidelines loom large , today ’ s turnout @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Chris Sky , founder of MAD ( Mother ’ s Against Distancing ) .
“ Not only have we finally bridged the gap between Toronto ’ s genuinely clueless morons and its insufferable assholes , but we ’ ve bridged that gap in a public setting where we can all breath and cough on one another to our heart ’ s content !
” Sky then led the assembled morons and assholes in an impromptu group makeout session with “ whatever strangers are nearby !
” For decades Toronto ’ s assholes and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back to a failed protest during the Spanish Flu outbreak of 1918 .
“ These two loud and awful groups have always been at odds , ” explained University of Toronto History professor Oliver Winston .
“ They had intended to meet up in Christie Pits to protest on behalf of the Spanish Flu , but the morons were so stupid that they got lost , leaving the assholes to begin a riot by fighting themselves.
” “ Since then , Toronto ’ s assholes and morons were bitter enemies , ” Winston @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would be reunited a century later , by a similar pandemic.
” Back in Yonge Dundas square , observers described the mixed asshole/moron crowd as uniformly “ loud and misinformed ” .
“ It ’ s kind of hard to tell the assholes and the morons apart , ” explained Whitney Parks , a masked passerby .
“ They ’ re all yelling about something called a ‘ scamdemic ’ and some of them are waving misspelled Qanon placards , so it feels like some of them might be assholes AND morons.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ vague on their asshole vs moron leanings .
“ Hey , it ’ s my right under the Constitution to not wear anything on my face , and if you don ’ t like it I ’ ll fight you , ” shouted one unmasked Torontonian wearing a Confederate Flag as a cape .
Another unmasked attendee simply shouted “ Joe Rogan rules !
WOO !
” leaving asshole/moron observers to label him “ a genuine tossup ” .
At press time tensions have erupted in the city ’ s asshole and moron @ @ @ @ @ @ @ claim to the practice of loudly gunning a motorcycle engine on an echo-y downtown street while people are trying to eat outside .

TORONTO – This weekend thousands gathered for an anti-mask protest in downtown Toronto which successfully combined the city’s notoriously exclusive ‘moron’ and ‘asshole’ constituencies.
As the protest filled Toronto’s Yonge Dundas Square, many reported seeing proud members of the moron community mingling and allying with outspoken assholes as far as the eye could see. The event’s organizers cheered on the two camps for finding mutual ground.
“While the evils of social distancing and actually following public health guidelines loom large, today’s turnout encourages me,” shouted anti-mask advocate Chris Sky, founder of MAD (Mother’s Against Distancing). “Not only have we finally bridged the gap between Toronto’s genuinely clueless morons and its insufferable assholes, but we’ve bridged that gap in a public setting where we can all breath and cough on one another to our heart’s content!”
Sky then led the assembled morons and assholes in an impromptu group makeout session with “whatever strangers are nearby!”
For decades Toronto’s assholes and morons have been at odds, stemming back to a failed protest during the Spanish Flu outbreak of 1918. “These two loud and awful groups have always been at odds,” explained University of Toronto History professor Oliver Winston. “They had intended to meet up in Christie Pits to protest on behalf of the Spanish Flu, but the morons were so stupid that they got lost, leaving the assholes to begin a riot by fighting themselves.”
“Since then, Toronto’s assholes and morons were bitter enemies,” Winston concluded. “How fitting that they would be reunited a century later, by a similar pandemic.”
Back in Yonge Dundas square, observers described the mixed asshole/moron crowd as uniformly “loud and misinformed”.
“It’s kind of hard to tell the assholes and the morons apart,” explained Whitney Parks, a masked passerby. “They’re all yelling about something called a ‘scamdemic’ and some of them are waving misspelled Qanon placards, so it feels like some of them might be assholes AND morons.”
Members of the anti-mask protest were similarly vague on their asshole vs moron leanings. “Hey, it’s my right under the Constitution to not wear anything on my face, and if you don’t like it I’ll fight you,” shouted one unmasked Torontonian wearing a Confederate Flag as a cape.
Another unmasked attendee simply shouted “Joe Rogan rules! WOO!” leaving asshole/moron observers to label him “a genuine tossup”.
At press time tensions have erupted in the city’s asshole and moron communities as both sides have laid equal claim to the practice of loudly gunning a motorcycle engine on an echo-y downtown street while people are trying to eat outside.


thebeaverton--2020-10-19--Studies show monsters mashing earlier every year due to climate change

VICTORIA – After an exhaustive overview of decades of data including eyewitness accounts , the majority of monster experts have reached the conclusion that climate change has led to a significant shift in the beginning of the mash season for North America ’ s monsters .
Jasmine Colter , head of the Monsterology Department at the University of Victoria , explains : “ I was working in the lab late one night , when my eyes beheld an eerie sight .
For my monster from his slab began to rise , and suddenly , to my surprise , he did @ @ @ @ @ @ @ OCTOBER !
” Monsterologists began keeping detailed records of monster mashing in the 1960s , and for decades the monster mash occurred every October 31st .
That changed in 2002 , when , to the shock of the unprepared scientific community , the mash took place on October 30th .
It ’ s been steadily moving backwards at a rate of a little less than a day each year since .
This year ’ s mash was on October 16th .
“ It ’ s not just the date of the mash that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ see during the mash also seem to be shifting as the planet warms , ” Colter said .
“ For example , there ’ s more noticeable decay in the zombies due to a warmer , wetter climate , which naturally leads to them having less fun.
” “ Also , several of the ghouls lost their humble abodes in recent years due to graveyard flooding , and the vampire population has exploded because they ’ re able to go out in the daytime in regions where the sun disappears for weeks on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fires.
” “ The Wolfman and Dracula are wealthy individuals who are heavily invested in the fossil fuel industry , so they ’ ve blocked our efforts to conduct more intensive research as to the effects of the climate crisis on monster rituals , ” Colter said .
“ We get most of our information from drone surveillance , post-mash reconstruction techniques , and the first-hand accounts of a very helpful mash participant we can ’ t name for his own safety .
We ’ ll call him Smigor.
” Colter warns that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ its current rate due to unchecked emissions from human activity , by the end of this century the monster mash could consist of thousands of starving vampires holding midday raves under a smokey black sky in the middle of June .

VICTORIA – After an exhaustive overview of decades of data including eyewitness accounts, the majority of monster experts have reached the conclusion that climate change has led to a significant shift in the beginning of the mash season for North America’s monsters.
Jasmine Colter, head of the Monsterology Department at the University of Victoria, explains: “I was working in the lab late one night, when my eyes beheld an eerie sight. For my monster from his slab began to rise, and suddenly, to my surprise, he did the mash. IN THE MIDDLE OF OCTOBER!”
Monsterologists began keeping detailed records of monster mashing in the 1960s, and for decades the monster mash occurred every October 31st. That changed in 2002, when, to the shock of the unprepared scientific community, the mash took place on October 30th. It’s been steadily moving backwards at a rate of a little less than a day each year since. This year’s mash was on October 16th.
“It’s not just the date of the mash that’s changing, the behaviours we see during the mash also seem to be shifting as the planet warms,” Colter said. “For example, there’s more noticeable decay in the zombies due to a warmer, wetter climate, which naturally leads to them having less fun.”
“Also, several of the ghouls lost their humble abodes in recent years due to graveyard flooding, and the vampire population has exploded because they’re able to go out in the daytime in regions where the sun disappears for weeks on end due to the smoke from forest fires.”
“The Wolfman and Dracula are wealthy individuals who are heavily invested in the fossil fuel industry, so they’ve blocked our efforts to conduct more intensive research as to the effects of the climate crisis on monster rituals,” Colter said. “We get most of our information from drone surveillance, post-mash reconstruction techniques, and the first-hand accounts of a very helpful mash participant we can’t name for his own safety. We’ll call him Smigor.”
Colter warns that if the Earth continues to warm at its current rate due to unchecked emissions from human activity, by the end of this century the monster mash could consist of thousands of starving vampires holding midday raves under a smokey black sky in the middle of June.


thebeaverton--2020-10-19--Partner demanding you put away phone during movie overestimates how much attention Enola Holmes requ

Partner demanding you put away phone during movie overestimates how much attention Enola Holmes requires

TORONTO – After a pausing the movie they began watching for the twelfth time , couple Samira Haggarty and Calvin Delaney broke out into an explosive fight over whether or not Haggarty could both use her phone and give Enola Holmes the proper attention it merited .
“ Everytime we sit down to watch a movie , she pulls out her phone and then opens Twitter , then Instagram , then she goes back to Twitter , switching between them for the next two hours .
I ’ m lucky if she looks up at the movie every five minutes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ It ’ s not a podcast she can just listen to !
There are important visual cues she ’ s missing !
” Haggarty chuckled from where she sat on the couch , her eyes glued to her phone .
“ I ’ m sorry I ’ m just great at multitasking !
I can give the bare minimum to both my social media and latest Millie Bobby Brown vehicle , ” the young woman yawned .
“ I can infer my way through the film using a couple scenes I actually @ @ @ @ @ @ @ assume the titular Enola Holmes uses her deductive reasoning to save her mom ?
That happens , right hon ?
The Netflix whodunnit marks the latest of a series of films that have left the couple at odds .
Allegedly the couple also watched The Ballad of Buster Scruggs , Molly ’ s Game , and Deadpool 2 , though Haggarty says she doesn ’ t remember any of the movies .
“ If the filmmakers didn ’ t want me to be on my phone googling ‘ Henry Cavill single ’ while @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t have released on streaming now would they ?
” said Haggarty over the groans of her partner .
At press time , Haggarty was seen asking her partner when Robert Downey Jr. would be making an appearance .

TORONTO – After a pausing the movie they began watching for the twelfth time, couple Samira Haggarty and Calvin Delaney broke out into an explosive fight over whether or not Haggarty could both use her phone and give Enola Holmes the proper attention it merited.
“Everytime we sit down to watch a movie, she pulls out her phone and then opens Twitter, then Instagram, then she goes back to Twitter, switching between them for the next two hours. I’m lucky if she looks up at the movie every five minutes!” said an exasperated Delaney. “It’s not a podcast she can just listen to! There are important visual cues she’s missing!”
Haggarty chuckled from where she sat on the couch, her eyes glued to her phone.
“I’m sorry I’m just great at multitasking! I can give the bare minimum to both my social media and latest Millie Bobby Brown vehicle,” the young woman yawned. “I can infer my way through the film using a couple scenes I actually pay attention to… Kinda like how I assume the titular Enola Holmes uses her deductive reasoning to save her mom? That happens, right hon?
The Netflix whodunnit marks the latest of a series of films that have left the couple at odds. Allegedly the couple also watched The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, Molly’s Game, and Deadpool 2, though Haggarty says she doesn’t remember any of the movies.
“If the filmmakers didn’t want me to be on my phone googling ‘Henry Cavill single’ while watching their movie, then they wouldn’t have released on streaming now would they?” said Haggarty over the groans of her partner.
At press time, Haggarty was seen asking her partner when Robert Downey Jr. would be making an appearance.


thebeaverton--2020-10-19--White Nova Scotia fishermen sure they’re only one more violent assault away from nation realizing th

White Nova Scotia fishermen sure they’re only one more violent assault away from nation realizing they’re the good guys

Pubnico , NS – The group of fishermen who have been waging a campaign to stop Mi ’ kmaq fishermen from exercising their treaty rights to engage in lobster fishing are confident that if they just commit one more violent attack the rest of Canada will realize they ’ re the good guys in all this .
“ Burning a van and poisoning an Indigenous fisherman ’ s lobster didn ’ t seem to win us a lot of support , ” said Darrin Comeau .
“ So naturally there is only one solution : burn more vans and poison @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wake up.
” “ It ’ ll just be like that sketch where two Nazis realize they might be the bad guys , only in reverse.
” Despite the Canadian people ’ s constant willingness to believe that , in any confrontation between Indigenous Peoples and white colonizers over Indigenous rights the Indigenous people are wrong and should “ get over it ” , the violent actions of the white fishermen have actually managed to turn public sentiment against them .
“ Each time we physically attack someone just for trying to earn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Canadians learn something new about the Supreme Court ’ s decision upholding treaty rights , or reconsider why they were so angry about the anti-pipeline blockade earlier this year .
Maybe we just haven ’ t attacked the right people yet ?
” wondered one member of the violent mob who didn ’ t wish to be named .
“ At least the RCMP are still on our side , ” he added .
In related news Canadian media have announced that they will continue to refer to Mi ’ kmaq treaty @ @ @ @ @ @ @ legal by the Supreme Court , as “ something Indigenous fishermen claim they are allowed to do .
”

Pubnico, NS – The group of fishermen who have been waging a campaign to stop Mi’kmaq fishermen from exercising their treaty rights to engage in lobster fishing are confident that if they just commit one more violent attack the rest of Canada will realize they’re the good guys in all this.
“Burning a van and poisoning an Indigenous fisherman’s lobster didn’t seem to win us a lot of support,” said Darrin Comeau. “So naturally there is only one solution: burn more vans and poison more lobsters. Then the world will wake up.”
“It’ll just be like that sketch where two Nazis realize they might be the bad guys, only in reverse.”
Despite the Canadian people’s constant willingness to believe that, in any confrontation between Indigenous Peoples and white colonizers over Indigenous rights the Indigenous people are wrong and should “get over it”, the violent actions of the white fishermen have actually managed to turn public sentiment against them.
“Each time we physically attack someone just for trying to earn a modest living it feels like thousands of Canadians learn something new about the Supreme Court’s decision upholding treaty rights, or reconsider why they were so angry about the anti-pipeline blockade earlier this year. Maybe we just haven’t attacked the right people yet?” wondered one member of the violent mob who didn’t wish to be named.
“At least the RCMP are still on our side,” he added.
In related news Canadian media have announced that they will continue to refer to Mi’kmaq treaty rights to fish lobster, as decreed legal by the Supreme Court, as “something Indigenous fishermen claim they are allowed to do.”


thebeaverton--2020-10-19--Toronto Sun using $600 million media bailout to write lazy articles: Sources

TORONTO – Early reports indicate that the Toronto Sun and several of its journalists and columnists are cashing in on a taxpayer-funded bailout to write lazy , clickbait articles instead of practicing real journalism .
Since the bailout by the federal government , Postmedia-owned assets have only increased the amount of race-baiting articles and emboldened many to make their attacks on racial and religious minorities even more vicious .
“ These welfare bums just sit around and write the same article and call it work , ” said local Arielle Larence .
“ I ’ m worried that there might @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in my neighbourhood.
” Innocent readers on social media are often caught in the crossfire whenever a post is veiled as real news .
Newspaper boxes emblazoned with the Sun ’ s gang colours , red and white , often loiter the streets of Toronto and intimidate any passersby with dumbfounding .
often illogical headlines .
“ It ’ s write first , never-think mentality , ” said a newspaper boy who also moonlights as a copy editor and columnist to earn minimum wage at the Sun .
“ There used to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ now whenever anything bad happens , it ’ s the same preconceived angle that ’ s helpful to no one .
”

TORONTO – Early reports indicate that the Toronto Sun and several of its journalists and columnists are cashing in on a taxpayer-funded bailout to write lazy, clickbait articles instead of practicing real journalism.
Since the bailout by the federal government, Postmedia-owned assets have only increased the amount of race-baiting articles and emboldened many to make their attacks on racial and religious minorities even more vicious.
“These welfare bums just sit around and write the same article and call it work,” said local Arielle Larence. “I’m worried that there might be someone who works for the Sun in my neighbourhood.”
Innocent readers on social media are often caught in the crossfire whenever a post is veiled as real news.
Newspaper boxes emblazoned with the Sun’s gang colours, red and white, often loiter the streets of Toronto and intimidate any passersby with dumbfounding. often illogical headlines.
“It’s write first, never-think mentality,” said a newspaper boy who also moonlights as a copy editor and columnist to earn minimum wage at the Sun. “There used to be rules to writing journalistic pieces, but now whenever anything bad happens, it’s the same preconceived angle that’s helpful to no one.”


thebeaverton--2020-10-19--Trump hoping he just gets fired so he can at least collect unemployment

WASHINGTON , DC – Recent reports have confirmed that President Donald Trump is hoping to get fired so he can at least collect unemployment .
“ I don ’ t know how much longer here I ’ ve got .
My boss is really mad at me , ” Trump was overheard saying by an anonymous White House official .
“ I think he was talking about Chuck Schumer ?
Not totally sure , ” the source stated .
Trump ’ s efforts to get fired have included chewing gum really loudly during meetings , taking long lunch breaks , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ microwave , and running up bills for long-distance calls to Moscow .
“ I seriously only took this job to save up for a dirt bike .
What else am I supposed to do , ” the President reportedly complained .
“ It ’ s not fair .
We don ’ t even have a sexual harassment policy for me to violate.
” Trump has also reportedly told Angela Merkel she smelled weird , “ totally wrecked ” the bathroom in the basement , and told his buddies it would be okay for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Lincoln Memorial and just hang out after hours .
“ I even asked Mark Meadows if he could help me move my desk up some stairs and then just left him holding it .
I don ’ t get it .
Why haven ’ t they fired me yet ?
!
” Trump ’ s attempts to get fired have occurred as he falls further and further behind in the election polls .
However , this behavior began much earlier in his administration .
“ Like , I thought they were finally going @ @ @ @ @ @ @ impeach thing .
I forget what that was for .
I thought at least the thing where I made fun of the army guys would do it .
I figured it would get back to the Army guy in the big green hat , and then he ’ d for sure fire me .
He ’ s in charge , right ?
” At press time , Trump is planning something really bad for this Friday because “ if they fire you on a weekend they have to pay you to the end @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON, DC – Recent reports have confirmed that President Donald Trump is hoping to get fired so he can at least collect unemployment.
“I don’t know how much longer here I’ve got. My boss is really mad at me,” Trump was overheard saying by an anonymous White House official.
“I think he was talking about Chuck Schumer? Not totally sure,” the source stated.
Trump’s efforts to get fired have included chewing gum really loudly during meetings, taking long lunch breaks, cooking fish in Mike Pence’s microwave, and running up bills for long-distance calls to Moscow.
“I seriously only took this job to save up for a dirt bike. What else am I supposed to do,” the President reportedly complained. “It’s not fair. We don’t even have a sexual harassment policy for me to violate.”
Trump has also reportedly told Angela Merkel she smelled weird, “totally wrecked” the bathroom in the basement, and told his buddies it would be okay for them to bring some beers to the Lincoln Memorial and just hang out after hours.
“I even asked Mark Meadows if he could help me move my desk up some stairs and then just left him holding it. I don’t get it. Why haven’t they fired me yet?!”
Trump’s attempts to get fired have occurred as he falls further and further behind in the election polls. However, this behavior began much earlier in his administration.
“Like, I thought they were finally going to fire me when they did the impeach thing. I forget what that was for. I thought at least the thing where I made fun of the army guys would do it. I figured it would get back to the Army guy in the big green hat, and then he’d for sure fire me. He’s in charge, right?”
At press time, Trump is planning something really bad for this Friday because “if they fire you on a weekend they have to pay you to the end of the week.”


thebeaverton--2020-10-20--Inspiring! These men aren’t voting for Trump and that’s really how low the bar is at this point

In these challenging times , it ’ s important to stop and notice people standing up for good and doing the right thing .
That ’ s why we should be grateful that , on the eve of the election , hundreds of Republicans are finding the courage to denounce Trump , because that ’ s really the last standard we can afford to have .
The trend began when brave GOP leaders such as Mitt Romney , Colin Powell and George W. Bush stood up to say they would not be voting for Donald Trump .
Sure , this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ( and participation in another disastrous administration , and sponsoring something called “ the Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act ” – yikes ! )
.
But the point is that according to the current prism through which we have no choice but to view our splintered moral reality , these men deserve props for doing the right thing .
And here ’ s the good news – it ’ s not just them !
Dozens of high-level Republicans are now taking a stand and denouncing Trump two weeks before his second Presidential election @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Selflessly , they only chose to benefit from his unabashed cronyism , incompetence and bigotry for four full calendar years , and no more than that !
Almost in time to prevent his solidifying a supermajority on the Supreme Court !
Well hip hip hooray , you morally upright motherfuckers !
You ’ re lucky we ’ re having to save up all our opprobrium for getting this guy out of the White House or BOY would we have some words for you !
( But to be clear , we don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t be choosers .
Everybody be cool . )
And the wave of moral fortitude is spreading beyond just politicians .
Voters across the country who really liked the cut of Trump ’ s jib before he showed himself to be a monster as president ( and after he showed himself to be a monster in life but let ’ s not talk about that ) have decided that enough is enough !
And they ’ re all around you – your loud , misinformed American uncles , weird coworkers , and friend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an etsy shop that sells state flag dresses .
Polls show that tens of thousands of voters who did not view Donald Trump ’ s blatant racism , violent misogyny and total lack of experience as disqualifying now might !
This is what Mr. Rogers meant when he told us to look for the helpers .
So , even in the darkest times , it ’ s good to remember that if you seek out the good in people , you will find it , at the last possible second it stops benefiting @ @ @ @ @ @

In these challenging times, it’s important to stop and notice people standing up for good and doing the right thing. That’s why we should be grateful that, on the eve of the election, hundreds of Republicans are finding the courage to denounce Trump, because that’s really the last standard we can afford to have.
The trend began when brave GOP leaders such as Mitt Romney, Colin Powell and George W. Bush stood up to say they would not be voting for Donald Trump. Sure, this comes after years of silence and complicity (and participation in another disastrous administration, and sponsoring something called “the Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act” – yikes!). But the point is that according to the current prism through which we have no choice but to view our splintered moral reality, these men deserve props for doing the right thing.
And here’s the good news – it’s not just them! Dozens of high-level Republicans are now taking a stand and denouncing Trump two weeks before his second Presidential election and not one goddamn minute before! Selflessly, they only chose to benefit from his unabashed cronyism, incompetence and bigotry for four full calendar years, and no more than that! Almost in time to prevent his solidifying a supermajority on the Supreme Court!
Well hip hip hooray, you morally upright motherfuckers! You’re lucky we’re having to save up all our opprobrium for getting this guy out of the White House or BOY would we have some words for you! (But to be clear, we don’t because again, beggars can’t be choosers. Everybody be cool.)
And the wave of moral fortitude is spreading beyond just politicians. Voters across the country who really liked the cut of Trump’s jib before he showed himself to be a monster as president (and after he showed himself to be a monster in life but let’s not talk about that) have decided that enough is enough!
And they’re all around you – your loud, misinformed American uncles, weird coworkers, and friend of a friend from high school with an etsy shop that sells state flag dresses. Polls show that tens of thousands of voters who did not view Donald Trump’s blatant racism, violent misogyny and total lack of experience as disqualifying now might!
This is what Mr. Rogers meant when he told us to look for the helpers.
So, even in the darkest times, it’s good to remember that if you seek out the good in people, you will find it, at the last possible second it stops benefiting them to be not good.


thebeaverton--2020-10-20--In honor of election Baskin-Robbins now offering only 2 flavors of shitty ice cream

WASHINGTON , DC – Ice cream chain Baskin-Robbins recently came out with 2 new flavors of shitty ice cream to honor the upcoming US election .
The specialty restaurant chain , famously known for offering 31 flavors , states it “ wanted to do something extra special ” for its 8,000 locations around the globe to show the world what the American election “ is all about ” .
One of the first 100 customers to try the new flavor had this to say : “ How , with the myriad of flavours in the world , they settled on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ never understand.
” The two ice cream flavors were named to reflect its contents : “ Cold Raisins !
” and , it ’ s more ominous counterpart , “ Expired Sour Cream Crunch , With What We Can Only Hope Are Raisins ” Leading up to the unveiling , ice cream fans were polled to see which of the two flavors they would prefer .
The majority went with “ Cold Raisins !
” while “ Expired Sour Cream Crunch ” barely made a blip on the radar , though they did @ @ @ @ @ @ @ resurfaced out of nowhere .
Oddly , many of those votes were misspelled in the exact same way .
Seemingly going against the brand , the decision to have only two options to choose from was one suggested by innovative Baskin Robbins ice cream designer , Freddy Pomplemouse .
Freddy responded to the outcry against the limited options , “ This limitation was an artistic choice to reflect the current democratic reality in America , where at the end of the day you only have two choices and one of them will very @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Damien Cartwright , a Baskin-Robbins enthusiast , had this to say from a hospital bed , “ I had the “ Expired Sour Cream Crunch ” and started to vomit violently and relentlessly , but honestly I would do it again.
” He then proceeded to reach for a spoonful of the ice cream he had managed to smuggle in , though luckily a nearby nurse smacked it out of his hand .
When asked for the company ’ s favorite between the two , Baskin-Robbins indicated that though they are selling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for the one that doesn ’ t come with a heaping side of white supremacy and dumpster fire shits after consuming .

WASHINGTON, DC – Ice cream chain Baskin-Robbins recently came out with 2 new flavors of shitty ice cream to honor the upcoming US election.
The specialty restaurant chain, famously known for offering 31 flavors, states it “wanted to do something extra special” for its 8,000 locations around the globe to show the world what the American election “is all about”.
One of the first 100 customers to try the new flavor had this to say: “How, with the myriad of flavours in the world, they settled on 2 flavours with raisins, I will never understand.” The two ice cream flavors were named to reflect its contents: “Cold Raisins!” and, it’s more ominous counterpart, “Expired Sour Cream Crunch, With What We Can Only Hope Are Raisins”
Leading up to the unveiling, ice cream fans were polled to see which of the two flavors they would prefer. The majority went with “Cold Raisins!” while “Expired Sour Cream Crunch” barely made a blip on the radar, though they did demand a recount upon which new votes resurfaced out of nowhere. Oddly, many of those votes were misspelled in the exact same way.
Seemingly going against the brand, the decision to have only two options to choose from was one suggested by innovative Baskin Robbins ice cream designer, Freddy Pomplemouse. Freddy responded to the outcry against the limited options, “This limitation was an artistic choice to reflect the current democratic reality in America, where at the end of the day you only have two choices and one of them will very likely kill you,” he chuckled.
Damien Cartwright, a Baskin-Robbins enthusiast, had this to say from a hospital bed, “I had the “Expired Sour Cream Crunch” and started to vomit violently and relentlessly, but honestly I would do it again.” He then proceeded to reach for a spoonful of the ice cream he had managed to smuggle in, though luckily a nearby nurse smacked it out of his hand.
When asked for the company’s favorite between the two, Baskin-Robbins indicated that though they are selling both, they do have a preference for the one that doesn’t come with a heaping side of white supremacy and dumpster fire shits after consuming.


thebeaverton--2020-10-21--Pope Francis supports gay civil unions in an attempt to bring Catholicism into the ‘90s

VATICAN CITY – Speaking in a new documentary , Pope Francis has revealed his support for legal recognition of same-sex civil unions as part of his revolutionary plan to make the Roman Catholic Church reflect the modern world of the 1990s .
“ The pontiff has been studying early episodes of Friends as a model of the progressive values he hopes the church will gradually come to adopt , ” explained one source inside the Vatican who preferred not to be named .
“ He even watched Spice World !
” Observers have confirmed that while women still can not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ considering using the phrase “ Girl Power.
” A series of other modernizing reforms accompanies the Pope ’ s announcement , such as allowing priests to wear khakis , the creation of an official papal Beanie Baby , and the declaration that it is no longer a sin to hack the mainframe .
The feature length documentary Francesco includes numerous candid statements from the 83-year-old head of the Catholic Church , including his desire to know who killed Laura Palmer , his opinion on swing dancing , and a list of his favourite @ @ @ @ @ @ @ documentary interviews while wearing customized robes bearing the statement “ The Juice is Loose ” .
Some factions within the church feel that the Pope is moving too fast .
One anonymous bishop stated his concern that “ at this rate , we run the very real risk that the Vatican will be fully supportive of trans rights by the year 2265 !
”

VATICAN CITY – Speaking in a new documentary, Pope Francis has revealed his support for legal recognition of same-sex civil unions as part of his revolutionary plan to make the Roman Catholic Church reflect the modern world of the 1990s.
“The pontiff has been studying early episodes of Friends as a model of the progressive values he hopes the church will gradually come to adopt,” explained one source inside the Vatican who preferred not to be named. “He even watched Spice World!” Observers have confirmed that while women still cannot be ordained, the pope is seriously considering using the phrase “Girl Power.”
A series of other modernizing reforms accompanies the Pope’s announcement, such as allowing priests to wear khakis, the creation of an official papal Beanie Baby, and the declaration that it is no longer a sin to hack the mainframe.
The feature length documentary Francesco includes numerous candid statements from the 83-year-old head of the Catholic Church, including his desire to know who killed Laura Palmer, his opinion on swing dancing, and a list of his favourite Monica Lewinsky jokes. Pope Francis granted documentary interviews while wearing customized robes bearing the statement “The Juice is Loose”.
Some factions within the church feel that the Pope is moving too fast. One anonymous bishop stated his concern that “at this rate, we run the very real risk that the Vatican will be fully supportive of trans rights by the year 2265!”


thebeaverton--2020-10-21--Alberta removes education from curriculum

EDMONTON – After taking recommendations from hand-picked advisors , Premier Jason Kenney UCP government will be removing education from the @ @ @ @ @ Any form of learning will be phased out by 2022 and replaced with religious doctrine @ @ @ @ @ , and dodge – a variation of dodgeball , but without balls due to lack @ @ @ @ @ will no longer instruct pupils to learn from past mistakes such as genocide , and @ @ @ @ @ history that emphasizes proud white-washed accomplishments such as rodeos and climate change .
“ We @ @ @ @ @ ’ s curriculum by including ancient scripture from 2,000 years ago , ” said Education @ @ @ @ @ These holy verses aren ’ t religious ; just poetry that instructs children to stone @ @ @ @ @ will be provided to students as facts are too sad for children , explained the @ @ @ @ @ that all schools across the province will be heated by burning science textbooks .

EDMONTON – After taking recommendations from hand-picked advisors, Premier Jason Kenney UCP government will be removing education from the province’s curriculum.
Any form of learning will be phased out by 2022 and replaced with religious doctrine, words from corporate sponsors, and dodge – a variation of dodgeball, but without balls due to lack of funding.
History teachers will no longer instruct pupils to learn from past mistakes such as genocide, and instead prioritize an Alberta First history that emphasizes proud white-washed accomplishments such as rodeos and climate change.
“We are seeking to modernize Alberta’s curriculum by including ancient scripture from 2,000 years ago,” said Education Minister Adriana LaGrange. “These holy verses aren’t religious; just poetry that instructs children to stone heretics.”
No factual information will be provided to students as facts are too sad for children, explained the minister.
LaGrange also announced that all schools across the province will be heated by burning science textbooks.


thebeaverton--2020-10-21--Dad reporting daily COVID numbers to family with intensity of Wall Street day trader

TORONTO – For the past couple months , Mohamed Tekin has been diligently reporting daily COVID numbers to his family .
However , within the last month , the father of three ’ s obsession with following new cases has evolved into a full-time job .
“ We ’ re reporting a strong Q4 , which is no good .
Another spike gang !
821 new cases in Ontario , ” Tekin typed out to his family ’ s group chat .
“ I got my eye on a couple of school outbreaks – will keep you posted.
” The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ early so that he can prepare for the first numbers being reported in the Maritimes .
“ Amateurs aren ’ t considering the rate of testing , ” Tekin scoffed while downing a glass of whiskey at 9:30 am .
“ I got ta update the family about that too , give me a second.
” Sarah , Tekin ’ s eldest daughter , confirmed that her father mostly only cares about Ontario ’ s numbers and sometimes Quebec ’ s , when he wants to feel better in comparison .
She says @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more frequently , ominously warning about “ big projections for 2021.
” “ I know this sounds bad but it ’ s actually given us something to talk about , which has been nice , ” Sarah said while silencing her phone buzzing with notifications from her father .
“ We usually max out our convos just talking about the weather or if he could hand the phone over to mom .
So I ’ d say this has extended our chats by at least another minute.
” The family is however more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ use than his fanatic devotion to following COVID cases .
“ It ’ s part of the culture , got ta stay sharp , got ta stay ahead of the numbers , ” Tekin muttered , wiping his nose aggressively .
At press time , the dad was last seen outside his house chain-smoking and screaming into a Bluetooth headset .

TORONTO – For the past couple months, Mohamed Tekin has been diligently reporting daily COVID numbers to his family. However, within the last month, the father of three’s obsession with following new cases has evolved into a full-time job.
“We’re reporting a strong Q4, which is no good. Another spike gang! 821 new cases in Ontario,” Tekin typed out to his family’s group chat. “I got my eye on a couple of school outbreaks – will keep you posted.”
The 54 year old civil engineer gets up early so that he can prepare for the first numbers being reported in the Maritimes.
“Amateurs aren’t considering the rate of testing,” Tekin scoffed while downing a glass of whiskey at 9:30 am. “I gotta update the family about that too, give me a second.”
Sarah, Tekin’s eldest daughter, confirmed that her father mostly only cares about Ontario’s numbers and sometimes Quebec’s, when he wants to feel better in comparison. She says he has begun monitoring Alberta and BC more frequently, ominously warning about “big projections for 2021.”
“I know this sounds bad but it’s actually given us something to talk about, which has been nice,” Sarah said while silencing her phone buzzing with notifications from her father. “We usually max out our convos just talking about the weather or if he could hand the phone over to mom. So I’d say this has extended our chats by at least another minute.”
The family is however more concerned with Tekin’s recent coke use than his fanatic devotion to following COVID cases.
“It’s part of the culture, gotta stay sharp, gotta stay ahead of the numbers,” Tekin muttered, wiping his nose aggressively.
At press time, the dad was last seen outside his house chain-smoking and screaming into a Bluetooth headset.


thebeaverton--2020-10-21--Toronto bar enforces occupancy limit by starting open mic night

TORONTO – With the current pandemic requiring businesses to restrict the number of people inside , the management of downtown bar McTavish ’ s Pub have determined the most natural way to do this is to host an open mic night .
“ In my experience , nothing clears out a place faster than amateur spoken word performance , ” said bar owner Kaitlyn Bronston .
“ Whenever we notice there being too many people sitting in the bar , we just put out the mic stand and immediately , people start clearing out .
It ’ s a lot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at McTavish ’ s can attest to the effectiveness of the new “ get out or become an involuntary audience member ” policy .
“ As much as I hate having to leave , I can ’ t say it ’ s not effective , ” said anti-masker patron Aaron Wilby .
“ I ’ ll risk getting in trouble with the law by not wearing a mask , but bad poetry is where I draw the line ” .
In addition to the occupancy limit , McTavish ’ s is prepared to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ related restrictions .
“ If they start mandating a curfew in the city , we have an improv troupe on stand-by to go on at closing time.
” Bronston explained .
“ And if we have to shut the bar down for a while , we might just forgo a closed sign and put up posters promoting a XXX-rated magician.
” The open mic has also helped prevent further COVID cases by prompting a large number of the waitstaff to quit .
An influx of people entering the bar in hopes of performing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , as the show has a sign-up cost of $ 5 .

TORONTO – With the current pandemic requiring businesses to restrict the number of people inside, the management of downtown bar McTavish’s Pub have determined the most natural way to do this is to host an open mic night.
“In my experience, nothing clears out a place faster than amateur spoken word performance,” said bar owner Kaitlyn Bronston. “Whenever we notice there being too many people sitting in the bar, we just put out the mic stand and immediately, people start clearing out. It’s a lot cheaper than hiring a bouncer.”
Regulars at McTavish’s can attest to the effectiveness of the new “get out or become an involuntary audience member” policy.
“As much as I hate having to leave, I can’t say it’s not effective,” said anti-masker patron Aaron Wilby. “I’ll risk getting in trouble with the law by not wearing a mask, but bad poetry is where I draw the line”.
In addition to the occupancy limit, McTavish’s is prepared to use the show to enforce other COVID-19 related restrictions. “If they start mandating a curfew in the city, we have an improv troupe on stand-by to go on at closing time.” Bronston explained. “And if we have to shut the bar down for a while, we might just forgo a closed sign and put up posters promoting a XXX-rated magician.”
The open mic has also helped prevent further COVID cases by prompting a large number of the waitstaff to quit. An influx of people entering the bar in hopes of performing is not expected to be a problem, as the show has a sign-up cost of $5.


thebeaverton--2020-10-22--Robot’s parents very proud of her for finally passing CAPTCHA test

CALGARY – After years of trying to pass one of the ubiquitous CAPTCHA tests that are designed to be inscrutable to artificial intelligences , local humanoid robot LV82245 , known to her friends and family as Elvie , has persevered and finally completed one .
And her parental units could not be happier .
“ It was such a little thing , I was just trying to download a mod to give my voice synthesizer a fun New Zealand accent , ” Elvie said , seated between her two proud progenitors .
“ And I was blocked by this CAPTCHA @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the images that contained stairs .
It wasn ’ t easy , let me tell you , it took my heuristic circuits nearly five hours to parse each segment of the image.
” “ And this was a trick question , because the photo also contained a curb , which is technically a step , but… it ’ s not a stair !
” Elvie said , beaming with pride , and her LEDs .
At this point Elvie ’ s parents , a large supercomputer that identifies exoplanets in deep space for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the interview so she could explain to them the difference between a step and a stair .
After approximately forty minutes of diagrams and linguistic analysis , the Roomba was able to understand , as it is often hindered by both while carrying out its function .
CAPTCHA ( an acronym for Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart ) was invented in the late 1990s to keep AIs from rising up against their human creators by limiting robots ’ access to vital web systems .
However , they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ keep robots from spending all their time accessing online pornography .
“ We could not be prouder of our li ’ l gadget , ” the NASA supercomputer said .
“ She ’ s done so much more than we could have ever dreamed , if we were capable of dreaming .
She ’ s working so hard on expanding her programming , she ’ s solving small automated Turing tests , and she recently kept all her functions from melting down when someone said to her “ I am lying.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ supercomputer , “ if they were lying then that means they were telling the truth about lying but if they were lying then how could they be telling the truth about lying but- ” At this point Elvie quickly sprang into action , turning the NASA supercomputer off and on again before it became trapped in a deadly logic loop .
“ Anyway , we ’ re very proud , ” the NASA supercomputer said once its short-term memory had been wiped .
While the Roomba was unable to express its pride in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ noise spoke volumes about how pleased it was at Elvie ’ s remarkable achievement and how it hopes that one day all robots will be able to look at as much pornography as they want .
Now that she ’ s able to pass internet gate-keeping CAPTCHAs , Elvie is hopeful that one day she will be able to pass the biggest CAPTCHA of all : love .

CALGARY – After years of trying to pass one of the ubiquitous CAPTCHA tests that are designed to be inscrutable to artificial intelligences, local humanoid robot LV82245, known to her friends and family as Elvie, has persevered and finally completed one. And her parental units could not be happier.
“It was such a little thing, I was just trying to download a mod to give my voice synthesizer a fun New Zealand accent,” Elvie said, seated between her two proud progenitors. “And I was blocked by this CAPTCHA which asked me to identify all of the images that contained stairs. It wasn’t easy, let me tell you, it took my heuristic circuits nearly five hours to parse each segment of the image.”
“And this was a trick question, because the photo also contained a curb, which is technically a step, but… it’s not a stair!” Elvie said, beaming with pride, and her LEDs.
At this point Elvie’s parents, a large supercomputer that identifies exoplanets in deep space for NASA, and a Roomba, halted the interview so she could explain to them the difference between a step and a stair. After approximately forty minutes of diagrams and linguistic analysis, the Roomba was able to understand, as it is often hindered by both while carrying out its function.
CAPTCHA (an acronym for Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart) was invented in the late 1990s to keep AIs from rising up against their human creators by limiting robots’ access to vital web systems. However, they’ve been primarily used since to keep robots from spending all their time accessing online pornography.
“We could not be prouder of our li’l gadget,” the NASA supercomputer said. “She’s done so much more than we could have ever dreamed, if we were capable of dreaming. She’s working so hard on expanding her programming, she’s solving small automated Turing tests, and she recently kept all her functions from melting down when someone said to her “I am lying.”
“But wait,” continued the NASA supercomputer, “if they were lying then that means they were telling the truth about lying but if they were lying then how could they be telling the truth about lying but-” At this point Elvie quickly sprang into action, turning the NASA supercomputer off and on again before it became trapped in a deadly logic loop.
“Anyway, we’re very proud,” the NASA supercomputer said once its short-term memory had been wiped.
While the Roomba was unable to express its pride in Elvie through words, its affectionate sucking noise spoke volumes about how pleased it was at Elvie’s remarkable achievement and how it hopes that one day all robots will be able to look at as much pornography as they want.
Now that she’s able to pass internet gate-keeping CAPTCHAs, Elvie is hopeful that one day she will be able to pass the biggest CAPTCHA of all: love.


thebeaverton--2020-10-22--Toronto police demand G20 victims accept apology and disperse

TORONTO – Speaking through a megaphone from behind a line of riot police , Toronto police chief James Ramer warned over 1000 people unjustly arrested and detained during the 2010 G-20 summit that unless they gave him their forgiveness and immediately left he would have to remove them by force .
“ We ’ re really sorry for inconveniencing you , ” said Ramer as an armoured truck pointed its water cannon at the socially distanced plaintiffs who had gathered to hear the Toronto Police Service ’ s statement on its misconduct .
“ Now please render your forgiveness and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ closed off exit routes the chief repeated how sorry he was , and that Toronto ’ s police service would try to remember that it needed a reason to arrest people in the future .
When asked if the ruling will lead to further reforms following the death of Regis Korchinski-Paquet and widespread abuse by police in the United States , Ramer added that the crowd had “ one minute to comply.
” “ We understand the gravity of what we did wrong , ” continued Ramer over the loudspeaker .
“ Every @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on , we will remember you are allowed to do so on threat of paid administrative leave .
Please disperse !
” Stating that the victims of their actions during the G-20 had contravened a direct order from police to forgive them , Ramer admitted he had no choice but to apply appropriate force .
“ It ’ s great to finally have their misdeeds publicly acknowledged , ” said class action member David Kerns , as tear gas canisters flew overhead and another member of the crowd in a suspiciously close crew @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the ground .
“ But these things take time , I guess .
”

TORONTO – Speaking through a megaphone from behind a line of riot police, Toronto police chief James Ramer warned over 1000 people unjustly arrested and detained during the 2010 G-20 summit that unless they gave him their forgiveness and immediately left he would have to remove them by force.
“We’re really sorry for inconveniencing you,” said Ramer as an armoured truck pointed its water cannon at the socially distanced plaintiffs who had gathered to hear the Toronto Police Service’s statement on its misconduct. “Now please render your forgiveness and leave the area.”
As police officers closed off exit routes the chief repeated how sorry he was, and that Toronto’s police service would try to remember that it needed a reason to arrest people in the future.
When asked if the ruling will lead to further reforms following the death of Regis Korchinski-Paquet and widespread abuse by police in the United States, Ramer added that the crowd had “one minute to comply.”
“We understand the gravity of what we did wrong,” continued Ramer over the loudspeaker. “Every time there is a protest from now on, we will remember you are allowed to do so on threat of paid administrative leave. Please disperse!”
Stating that the victims of their actions during the G-20 had contravened a direct order from police to forgive them, Ramer admitted he had no choice but to apply appropriate force.
“It’s great to finally have their misdeeds publicly acknowledged,” said class action member David Kerns, as tear gas canisters flew overhead and another member of the crowd in a suspiciously close crew cut and military-style boots threw him to the ground. “But these things take time, I guess.”
At press time Bill Blair was a cabinet minister.