thebeaverton--2020-07-13--Airlines to start flying with the windows down to prevent spread of Covid

TORONTO – Several major airlines announced today that they would start flying their planes with the windows rolled down to help prevent the spread of the coronavirus .
The earlier decision by airlines in the US and Canada to begin filling planes to capacity with no physical distancing measures in place had concerned experts and the public , but the airlines hope this latest move will help to assuage any unease about air travel .
“ We understand that people are worried about sitting elbow to elbow in an enclosed space with strangers for several hours at a time , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ But , what if the space wasn ’ t enclosed ?
What if instead of recycled air slowly moving around the cabin there was a constant stream of fresh air moving at several hundred kilometers per hour through every window ?
” While there have been no studies on how the virus spreads when moving at near the speed of sound , the airlines are confident the increased airflow will give little time for so-called “ viral loads ” to build up .
“ I ’ d like to see our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over 600 miles an hour , ” said American Airlines customer service head Keith McMaster .
“ And there ’ s nothing like having the wind in your hair at 30,000 feet over the Rocky Mountains.
” The airlines have plans in place to maintain customer safety and service in the cabins while their planes are open to the elements .
All passengers are encouraged to bring their own goggles , but they will be available for purchase in flight .
There will also be some changes to meal and beverage service .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ said Star Alliance spokesperson Megan Lee .
“ And our initial tests with pretzels resulted in a cabin full of tiny salty bullets .
But we will have a variety of smoothies as well as high-proof alcohol in sippy cups available .
We ’ re confident we can bring safety and even a little excitement back to air travel for all our customers.
” At press time United Airlines announced that they would be trialling a program for their most immunocompromised guests that would see them strapped to the wing tips , far @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
With complimentary goggles , of course .

TORONTO – Several major airlines announced today that they would start flying their planes with the windows rolled down to help prevent the spread of the coronavirus.
The earlier decision by airlines in the US and Canada to begin filling planes to capacity with no physical distancing measures in place had concerned experts and the public, but the airlines hope this latest move will help to assuage any unease about air travel.
“We understand that people are worried about sitting elbow to elbow in an enclosed space with strangers for several hours at a time,” said Air Canada spokesperson Jeff Council. “But, what if the space wasn’t enclosed? What if instead of recycled air slowly moving around the cabin there was a constant stream of fresh air moving at several hundred kilometers per hour through every window?”
While there have been no studies on how the virus spreads when moving at near the speed of sound, the airlines are confident the increased airflow will give little time for so-called “viral loads” to build up. “I’d like to see our friend Covid cling to an armrest at over 600 miles an hour,” said American Airlines customer service head Keith McMaster. “And there’s nothing like having the wind in your hair at 30,000 feet over the Rocky Mountains.”
The airlines have plans in place to maintain customer safety and service in the cabins while their planes are open to the elements. All passengers are encouraged to bring their own goggles, but they will be available for purchase in flight. There will also be some changes to meal and beverage service.
“Obviously salads are out,” said Star Alliance spokesperson Megan Lee. “And our initial tests with pretzels resulted in a cabin full of tiny salty bullets. But we will have a variety of smoothies as well as high-proof alcohol in sippy cups available. We’re confident we can bring safety and even a little excitement back to air travel for all our customers.”
At press time United Airlines announced that they would be trialling a program for their most immunocompromised guests that would see them strapped to the wing tips, far from any possibly infected passengers or crew. With complimentary goggles, of course.


thebeaverton--2020-07-13--Festivals on indefinite hold until deemed safe enough to have a 6’8’’ man block your view

GENEVA – Plans to allow music festivals to continue with their rescheduled dates have been put on indefinite hold by the World Health Organization until deemed safe enough to have a 6 ’ 8 ” man block your view .
“ We understand it ’ s a frustrating situation , ” a spokesperson for the WHO announced at a press conference this past week .
“ However due to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic , we won ’ t allow these events to go on until there ’ s no active danger in having a near 7 foot tall man block @ @ @ @ @ @ @ paid a ludicrous amount of money to see.
” “ It ’ s really frustrating , I was looking forward to Coachella this year , ” said festival enthusiast Elias Montenegro .
“ I guess I ’ ll have to wait at least a year until I get the perfect spot to see Rage Against The Machine and then have some tall bastard take up my entire field of vision.
” Reports predict that the earliest you can tap some dude on the shoulder to move slightly and have him somehow get even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ This fuckin ’ sucks , ” said regular concert attendee and 6 ’ 8 ” tall man Darren Elliot .
“ How else are people going to pay attention to my exceedingly tall stature and poor placement ?
It ’ s not like I can block the view of the people in the Starbucks line , like what , do they need to see the barista ?
” The coronavirus pandemic has hit the music industry especially hard , and with little to no signs of relief , concerts will remain on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to allow sweaty assholes to put their hands on strangers and drunkards to spill their beers all over you .

GENEVA – Plans to allow music festivals to continue with their rescheduled dates have been put on indefinite hold by the World Health Organization until deemed safe enough to have a 6’8” man block your view.
“We understand it’s a frustrating situation,” a spokesperson for the WHO announced at a press conference this past week. “However due to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, we won’t allow these events to go on until there’s no active danger in having a near 7 foot tall man block your view of the act you specifically paid a ludicrous amount of money to see.”
“It’s really frustrating, I was looking forward to Coachella this year,” said festival enthusiast Elias Montenegro. “I guess I’ll have to wait at least a year until I get the perfect spot to see Rage Against The Machine and then have some tall bastard take up my entire field of vision.”
Reports predict that the earliest you can tap some dude on the shoulder to move slightly and have him somehow get even more in the way is mid-2021.
“This fuckin’ sucks,” said regular concert attendee and 6’8” tall man Darren Elliot. “How else are people going to pay attention to my exceedingly tall stature and poor placement? It’s not like I can block the view of the people in the Starbucks line, like what, do they need to see the barista?”
The coronavirus pandemic has hit the music industry especially hard, and with little to no signs of relief, concerts will remain on hold until transmission numbers are low enough to allow sweaty assholes to put their hands on strangers and drunkards to spill their beers all over you.


thebeaverton--2020-07-13--Execs beg Tim Hortons CEO not to release Black Lives Matter specialty donut

TORONTO – Executives at Canada ’ s most beloved/least edible fast food chain Tim Hortons have been begging company CEO Daniel Schwartz not to release the planned specialty donut “ honouring ” the Black Lives Matter movement .
“ We keep telling him that this will be seen as crass consumerism at best and profiteering off an important civil rights movement at worst , ” said PR head Alicia Brown .
“ But he just keeps yelling ‘ specialty donuts are what we do ’ ‘ specialty donuts are what we do ’ over and over again until we leave @ @ @ @ @ @ @ retails for 2.20 because ‘ 2020 was when this movement started ?
!
’ I mean what the fuck !
” she added .
If released the BLM Donut wil be a fairly standard chocolate glazed with chocolate icing , only with sprinkles in the shape of significant moments in the history of civil rights , like Martin Luther King Jr. ’ s I Have A Dream speech and Viola Desmond refusing to give up her seat in a movie theatre .
But those who have seen the donut say “ they just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Matter leaders have already announced they will protest the launch if necessary , but say they ’ d “ really like to devote our time to the more important things going on , which you may have heard about.
” Nevertheless Schwartz sees this as the perfect opportunity to raise awareness and blood sugars simultaneously .
“ I don ’ t see what the kerfuffle is , ” said Schwartz .
“ Whether it ’ s Canada turning 150 or the Leafs making the first round of the playoffs , Canadians want to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the fried dough they purchase with their coffee.
” When asked if proceeds from the donut would be donated to Black Lives Matter organizations Schwartz said “ we will not be donating , but we will Donuting !
” He then waited a long time for anyone to laugh before explaining that the donuts will be free for Black Lives Matter volunteers .
The proceeds will be used to run advertisements congratulating Tim Hortons for making the donut in the first place .
Of course this is not the first time Tim @ @ @ @ @ @ @ through pastries .
Their 2017 Me Too Panin-She Sandwich was not well received .
In related news employees were getting ready for a lot of problems over Swiss Chalet ’ s planned Blue Lives Matter Festive Special .

TORONTO – Executives at Canada’s most beloved/least edible fast food chain Tim Hortons have been begging company CEO Daniel Schwartz not to release the planned specialty donut “honouring” the Black Lives Matter movement.
“We keep telling him that this will be seen as crass consumerism at best and profiteering off an important civil rights movement at worst,” said PR head Alicia Brown. “But he just keeps yelling ‘specialty donuts are what we do’ ‘specialty donuts are what we do’ over and over again until we leave his office.
“Also the thing retails for 2.20 because ‘2020 was when this movement started?!’ I mean what the fuck!” she added.
If released the BLM Donut wil be a fairly standard chocolate glazed with chocolate icing, only with sprinkles in the shape of significant moments in the history of civil rights, like Martin Luther King Jr.’s I Have A Dream speech and Viola Desmond refusing to give up her seat in a movie theatre. But those who have seen the donut say “they just look like sprinkles.”
Frustrated Black Lives Matter leaders have already announced they will protest the launch if necessary, but say they’d “really like to devote our time to the more important things going on, which you may have heard about.”
Nevertheless Schwartz sees this as the perfect opportunity to raise awareness and blood sugars simultaneously.
“I don’t see what the kerfuffle is,” said Schwartz. “Whether it’s Canada turning 150 or the Leafs making the first round of the playoffs, Canadians want to see important moments in history be reflected in the fried dough they purchase with their coffee.”
When asked if proceeds from the donut would be donated to Black Lives Matter organizations Schwartz said “we will not be donating, but we will Donuting!” He then waited a long time for anyone to laugh before explaining that the donuts will be free for Black Lives Matter volunteers. The proceeds will be used to run advertisements congratulating Tim Hortons for making the donut in the first place.
Of course this is not the first time Tim Hortons has stepped into the political fray through pastries. Their 2017 Me Too Panin-She Sandwich was not well received.
In related news employees were getting ready for a lot of problems over Swiss Chalet’s planned Blue Lives Matter Festive Special.


thebeaverton--2020-07-14--Scientist invents time travel to mock people in 2016 who thought things were bad then

WATERLOO , ON – Quantum physicist Agnes Chevrier announced in a press conference today that not only has she invented time travel , but she had already achieved her purpose in inventing it , which was to travel to the year 2016 and mock the people of that time for thinking that they had experienced a difficult year .
“ I looked back at some articles and social media posts from the end of the year in 2016 , ” explained Chevrier .
“ They were all talking about how an unusual amount of celebrities had died that year .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ where the worst thing that happened that year was that some musicians died ?
So that really put a boot up my ass to invent time travel , travel to that year , and make them feel even worse through teasing.
” When asked if she should have used her incredible new technology for something more significant , like killing Hitler as a baby , stopping the coronavirus , or even killing Hitler as a young adult , Chevrier replied , “ Killing Hitler would be both satisfying and important .
But it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and explaining to people complaining about the all-female Ghostbusters cast that , in 2020 , we all have to wear masks for fear we will die or kill with our saliva.
” Chevrier says she already has burned the time travel technology along with the rest of her lab because she could not think of anything else she wanted to do with it .
She closed the press conference by showing her interaction with a group of 2016ers telling the time travelling Chevrier , “ We ’ ve been through probably the worst @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was elected , if you can believe that , ” at which the physicist laughed for two whole minutes before saying “ The ELECTION ?
You think the ELECTION will be the WORST PART ?
” At press time , a time travelling scientist from the year 2024 had just arrived at the press conference after appearing out of nowhere , literally on fire , with a big smirk on his face .

WATERLOO, ON – Quantum physicist Agnes Chevrier announced in a press conference today that not only has she invented time travel, but she had already achieved her purpose in inventing it, which was to travel to the year 2016 and mock the people of that time for thinking that they had experienced a difficult year.
“I looked back at some articles and social media posts from the end of the year in 2016,” explained Chevrier. “They were all talking about how an unusual amount of celebrities had died that year. Could you imagine living in a world where the worst thing that happened that year was that some musicians died? So that really put a boot up my ass to invent time travel, travel to that year, and make them feel even worse through teasing.”
When asked if she should have used her incredible new technology for something more significant, like killing Hitler as a baby, stopping the coronavirus, or even killing Hitler as a young adult, Chevrier replied, “Killing Hitler would be both satisfying and important. But it pales in comparison to going to 2016 and explaining to people complaining about the all-female Ghostbusters cast that, in 2020, we all have to wear masks for fear we will die or kill with our saliva.”
Chevrier says she already has burned the time travel technology along with the rest of her lab because she could not think of anything else she wanted to do with it. She closed the press conference by showing her interaction with a group of 2016ers telling the time travelling Chevrier, “We’ve been through probably the worst American election cycle ever. Donald Trump was elected, if you can believe that,” at which the physicist laughed for two whole minutes before saying “The ELECTION? You think the ELECTION will be the WORST PART?”
At press time, a time travelling scientist from the year 2024 had just arrived at the press conference after appearing out of nowhere, literally on fire, with a big smirk on his face.


thebeaverton--2020-07-14--Canada politely declines U.S. politicians’ request to kill thousands of our residents

OTTAWA – Despite wanting to maintain warm relations with the United States , Canadian officials today rejected the letter from Members of Congress asking that we reopen the border and kill thousands of Canadians .
“ Thank you for your invitation to expose our population to the COVID-19 virus that is currently rampaging through your country without a shred of opposition , ” the Ministry of Foreign Affairs wrote .
“ At this time we must respectfully decline .
Best wishes as always !
Love , Canada.
” “ P.S .
We will likely be unable to attend your christmas @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
” Just yesterday 29 members of the US Congress had written to the government asking them to “ make the small sacrifice ” of letting thousands die so that Americans could visit Cottage Country .
“ Plus , maybe if the virus takes off in Canada again , it ’ ll be too distracted to infect people here , ” they wrote , equating the COVID-19 virus to a dinosaur in Jurassic Park .
“ No matter how much we tried to entice them by talking about how cool NYC is , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , all Canadian Government officials were focused on was the deaths .
Deaths , Deaths , Deaths .
Like we get it , ” said a disappointed Congresswoman Kathleen Rice .
But the U.S. politicians aren ’ t giving up yet .
They ’ re still hoping to sweeten the pot by offering Canadians the chance to join America in its next unwinnable war .

OTTAWA – Despite wanting to maintain warm relations with the United States, Canadian officials today rejected the letter from Members of Congress asking that we reopen the border and kill thousands of Canadians.
“Thank you for your invitation to expose our population to the COVID-19 virus that is currently rampaging through your country without a shred of opposition,” the Ministry of Foreign Affairs wrote. “At this time we must respectfully decline. Best wishes as always! Love, Canada.”
“P.S. We will likely be unable to attend your christmas party as well. Sorry about that!”
Just yesterday 29 members of the US Congress had written to the government asking them to “make the small sacrifice” of letting thousands die so that Americans could visit Cottage Country.
“Plus, maybe if the virus takes off in Canada again, it’ll be too distracted to infect people here,” they wrote, equating the COVID-19 virus to a dinosaur in Jurassic Park.
“No matter how much we tried to entice them by talking about how cool NYC is, or suggesting Beyonce might come to visit, all Canadian Government officials were focused on was the deaths. Deaths, Deaths, Deaths. Like we get it,” said a disappointed Congresswoman Kathleen Rice.
But the U.S. politicians aren’t giving up yet. They’re still hoping to sweeten the pot by offering Canadians the chance to join America in its next unwinnable war.


thebeaverton--2020-07-14--Washington Redskins to change name to Cleveland Indians

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following intense pressure from multiple groups and the public at large , the Washington Redskins have proudly announced that they will be officially changing their team name to the Cleveland Indians .
“ A team should embody the strength and character of its namesake , ” said Dan Snyder , team owner , “ and we can think of no more proud or noble people than the brave men who played baseball for Cleveland for more than 100 years.
” The name change comes amid a paradigm shift , as society re-examines its long-standing choice to maintain @ @ @ @ @ @ @ levels of racism in them .
Following years of campaigns to convince the team to abandon the name , the ownership finally caved after realizing that they could just pick another name which was technically less racist by only the slimmest of margins .
“ We all know that the orders of magnitude for racist team names start with the Redskins and then go Indians , Chiefs , Braves , Blackhawks , and finally Eskimos , ” continued Snyder to assembled reporters , “ since we didn ’ t want to shock our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the next one down the list.
” During the intervening period before the change becomes official , the team has confirmed that they will endeavour to use the Redskins moniker as much as possible , as one last hurrah for its loyal fans .
Merchandisers are already pumping out triple the number of hats , jerseys , and banners , all emblazoned with the soon to be defunct team name in extra-large font .
Team owners stress that they want to make sure that this important part of their history is not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ historical precedent .
In 1949 , the Rhode Island Rabbis yielded to public pressure to change their name and mascot from what was politely termed as “ the most horrifically tasteless example of anti-semitism ever seen by human eyes ” .
Similarly , the Charleston NAME REDACTED BY EDITORS FOR REASONS OF GOOD TASTE underwent a name change for what should be flagrantly obvious reasons .
“ Along with the name change , we will also be discontinuing the use of our logo , which drew upon ‘ noble savage ’ stereotypes of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” said Snyder , “ in its place we ’ ll be adopting Chief Wahoo , the mascot and logo of the Cleveland Indians , to promote a more goofy , and family-friendly stereotype.
” “ Boy , you know when you say all this stuff out loud all at once , it ’ s actually really , really awful , ” he continued .
“ I mean all of it .
It ’ s just all very bad .
We did this for how long ?
” he muttered , head in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ name change will take effect some time over the next few weeks , unless all this race-stuff dies down before then , in which case forget about it , they ’ re just gon na stick with the current name .

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following intense pressure from multiple groups and the public at large, the Washington Redskins have proudly announced that they will be officially changing their team name to the Cleveland Indians.
“A team should embody the strength and character of its namesake,” said Dan Snyder, team owner, “and we can think of no more proud or noble people than the brave men who played baseball for Cleveland for more than 100 years.”
The name change comes amid a paradigm shift, as society re-examines its long-standing choice to maintain sports team names with just absolutely bonkers levels of racism in them. Following years of campaigns to convince the team to abandon the name, the ownership finally caved after realizing that they could just pick another name which was technically less racist by only the slimmest of margins.
“We all know that the orders of magnitude for racist team names start with the Redskins and then go Indians, Chiefs, Braves, Blackhawks, and finally Eskimos,” continued Snyder to assembled reporters, “since we didn’t want to shock our fans too much, we simply defaulted to the next one down the list.”
During the intervening period before the change becomes official, the team has confirmed that they will endeavour to use the Redskins moniker as much as possible, as one last hurrah for its loyal fans. Merchandisers are already pumping out triple the number of hats, jerseys, and banners, all emblazoned with the soon to be defunct team name in extra-large font. Team owners stress that they want to make sure that this important part of their history is not forgotten.
The change is not without historical precedent. In 1949, the Rhode Island Rabbis yielded to public pressure to change their name and mascot from what was politely termed as “the most horrifically tasteless example of anti-semitism ever seen by human eyes”. Similarly, the Charleston NAME REDACTED BY EDITORS FOR REASONS OF GOOD TASTE underwent a name change for what should be flagrantly obvious reasons.
“Along with the name change, we will also be discontinuing the use of our logo, which drew upon ‘noble savage’ stereotypes of the stoic and silent indigenous warrior,” said Snyder, “in its place we’ll be adopting Chief Wahoo, the mascot and logo of the Cleveland Indians, to promote a more goofy, and family-friendly stereotype.”
“Boy, you know when you say all this stuff out loud all at once, it’s actually really, really awful,” he continued.
“I mean all of it. It’s just all very bad. We did this for how long?” he muttered, head in hands.
The team says that the name change will take effect some time over the next few weeks, unless all this race-stuff dies down before then, in which case forget about it, they’re just gonna stick with the current name.


thebeaverton--2020-07-14--Officer working at ninth police department in ten years probably just filled with wanderlust

Lawrence , KS — Though there are many possible reasons that Constable Dennis Bass has worked at nine different police departments over the last ten years , law enforcement experts agree that the most likely explanation is that he ’ s consumed by wanderlust .
“ Whether it ’ s a thirst for adventure , a desire to see more of the world , or a tendency towards highly impulsive behaviour , Bass is following the path of many police officers who suddenly leave their jobs ” , said Melissa Brooks of the Kansas State Police Union .
“ There @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that inspires a certain percentage of officers to put everything in the rear view mirror and start a brand new chapter in a community where no one knows who they are or what disciplinary record they may have ” .
Since completing 16 weeks of training at the Johnson County Regional Police Academy , Bass has continually itched that travel bug by quickly picking up and moving to neighbouring regions every 6-18 months .
Luckily , it ’ s easy for Bass to pick up work at local precincts in order to subsidize @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I ’ m honestly jealous .
Dennis has been to so many exotic locations , like Richmond , Lyndon , even the wilds of Holton ” said Constable Sean Perry of his new colleague .
“ And he really takes advantage of his exposure to new cultures .
From what I hear of his travels , he ’ s well known for his interactions with locals.
” Superintendent Alex Giordano , who hired Bass , knows he won ’ t be able to keep such a free spirit tied down for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ extremely happy to see him venture forth .
Globetrotters like Dennis are inspiring , even his senior officers really want him to go.
” When reached for comment , Bass revealed he is once again yearning to journey into the unknown .
But not all who wander are lost ; there ’ s always something that makes him feel at home : “ Whenever I start a new job , I always end up with the uniform of the last cop who got fired for falsifying evidence to justify assaulting a teenager .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m never truly alone .
”

Lawrence, KS — Though there are many possible reasons that Constable Dennis Bass has worked at nine different police departments over the last ten years, law enforcement experts agree that the most likely explanation is that he’s consumed by wanderlust.
“Whether it’s a thirst for adventure, a desire to see more of the world, or a tendency towards highly impulsive behaviour, Bass is following the path of many police officers who suddenly leave their jobs”, said Melissa Brooks of the Kansas State Police Union. “There’s just something about the work that inspires a certain percentage of officers to put everything in the rear view mirror and start a brand new chapter in a community where no one knows who they are or what disciplinary record they may have”.
Since completing 16 weeks of training at the Johnson County Regional Police Academy, Bass has continually itched that travel bug by quickly picking up and moving to neighbouring regions every 6-18 months. Luckily, it’s easy for Bass to pick up work at local precincts in order to subsidize the travel that feeds his roaming heart.
“I’m honestly jealous. Dennis has been to so many exotic locations, like Richmond, Lyndon, even the wilds of Holton” said Constable Sean Perry of his new colleague. “And he really takes advantage of his exposure to new cultures. From what I hear of his travels, he’s well known for his interactions with locals.”
Superintendent Alex Giordano, who hired Bass, knows he won’t be able to keep such a free spirit tied down for long. “His last supervisor was extremely happy to see him venture forth. Globetrotters like Dennis are inspiring, even his senior officers really want him to go.”
When reached for comment, Bass revealed he is once again yearning to journey into the unknown. But not all who wander are lost; there’s always something that makes him feel at home: “Whenever I start a new job, I always end up with the uniform of the last cop who got fired for falsifying evidence to justify assaulting a teenager. That’s how I know I’m never truly alone.”


thebeaverton--2020-07-14--Home gyms struggle to retain members after early-pandemic trial period ends

VANCOUVER – At-home gyms across the country are reporting a steep drop in membership after an initial spike during the early stages of the COVID-19 pandemic .
“ When the pandemic began ramping up we saw a huge jump in interest , ” said Kristin Denters , proprietor of Denters Gym located in the apartment she shares with her husband .
“ Lockdown started and we quickly went from zero to 2 full-time members .
I realized I needed to expand my equipment to keep up with demand.
” “ I wouldn ’ t call myself an exercise enthusiast , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ member of Denters Gym .
“ But when the world shut down I knew I ’ d need to keep moving or I ’ d go absolutely stir-crazy , so I took full advantage of the pandemic promotion offered by the owner , my wife.
” Home gyms across the country bought new kettlebells , yoga mats , TRX bands , and even that mirror thing that plays videos for you while you watch your own terrible form .
“ Those were heady days , ” said Ashkan Hamidi , who ran Ash @ @ @ @ @ @ @ basement .
“ My partner and I bought every ankle weight and ab-roller we could get our hands on .
We signed up every child in the house , we even had to devise a schedule to accommodate everyone .
We thought the party would never end.
” But as restrictions ease across the country it appears the halcyon days of the home gym may be in danger .
“ Gary hasn ’ t picked up a weight in 3 weeks , ” said Ms Denters .
“ Turns out we both prefer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Netflix , or doing anything , really , instead of working out .
We were worried about our health during lockdown , and they say fear is the great motivator , but I guess that only really works until the next Animal Crossing update hits.
” At press time home gyms had begun rolling out a slew of new promotions to lure back members including “ Let ’ s Just Do 10-Minutes Before Breakfast , ” “ We Already Paid For A Year Of This Stupid App So Might As Well Use It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to date , “ I Sold Your Playstation So Grab A Goddamn Kettlebell .
”

VANCOUVER – At-home gyms across the country are reporting a steep drop in membership after an initial spike during the early stages of the COVID-19 pandemic.
“When the pandemic began ramping up we saw a huge jump in interest,” said Kristin Denters, proprietor of Denters Gym located in the apartment she shares with her husband. “Lockdown started and we quickly went from zero to 2 full-time members. I realized I needed to expand my equipment to keep up with demand.”
“I wouldn’t call myself an exercise enthusiast,” said Gary Denters, a one-time member of Denters Gym. “But when the world shut down I knew I’d need to keep moving or I’d go absolutely stir-crazy, so I took full advantage of the pandemic promotion offered by the owner, my wife.”
Home gyms across the country bought new kettlebells, yoga mats, TRX bands, and even that mirror thing that plays videos for you while you watch your own terrible form.
“Those were heady days,” said Ashkan Hamidi, who ran Ash’s Basement Gym out of his basement. “My partner and I bought every ankle weight and ab-roller we could get our hands on. We signed up every child in the house, we even had to devise a schedule to accommodate everyone. We thought the party would never end.”
But as restrictions ease across the country it appears the halcyon days of the home gym may be in danger. “Gary hasn’t picked up a weight in 3 weeks,” said Ms Denters. “Turns out we both prefer going to the beach, or watching Netflix, or doing anything, really, instead of working out. We were worried about our health during lockdown, and they say fear is the great motivator, but I guess that only really works until the next Animal Crossing update hits.”
At press time home gyms had begun rolling out a slew of new promotions to lure back members including “Let’s Just Do 10-Minutes Before Breakfast,” “We Already Paid For A Year Of This Stupid App So Might As Well Use It,” and the most enticing offer to date, “I Sold Your Playstation So Grab A Goddamn Kettlebell.”


thebeaverton--2020-07-16--Liberals appoint WE Charity to investigate WE Charity conflict of interest scandal

OTTAWA – Acknowledging that an outside investigator is needed to look into allegations that the Liberals handed a billion dollar grant program to a Charity with extensive ties to Bill Morneau and Justin Trudeau , the federal Liberals have retained an outside investigator from We Charity to look into the matter .
“ We understand that Canadians want answers about why a no-bid contract was given to WE Charity when they have paid my family hundreds of thousands of dollars , ” said PM Justin Trudeau .
“ And I can think of no person more qualified to give them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ founder Craig Kielburger.
” “ I ’ m sure he will do as good a job with this conflict of interest investigation as he does secretly funnelling money to me in exchange for access and government funding.
” Although Ethics Commissioner Mario Dion and a Parliamentary Committee are already looking into the charges , the Liberals maintain the WE Investigation will be much better on account of the fact that they will actually divulge information to them .
“ WE has a huge head start as they already know that everything was done @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ So they don ’ t need to waste time looking around or asking questions.
” For their part WE said they were honoured to accept the assignment , and promised they would only be making $ 20- $ 30 million max off the gig .

OTTAWA – Acknowledging that an outside investigator is needed to look into allegations that the Liberals handed a billion dollar grant program to a Charity with extensive ties to Bill Morneau and Justin Trudeau, the federal Liberals have retained an outside investigator from We Charity to look into the matter.
“We understand that Canadians want answers about why a no-bid contract was given to WE Charity when they have paid my family hundreds of thousands of dollars,” said PM Justin Trudeau. “And I can think of no person more qualified to give them the information they seek than WE Charity founder Craig Kielburger.”
“I’m sure he will do as good a job with this conflict of interest investigation as he does secretly funnelling money to me in exchange for access and government funding.”
Although Ethics Commissioner Mario Dion and a Parliamentary Committee are already looking into the charges, the Liberals maintain the WE Investigation will be much better on account of the fact that they will actually divulge information to them.
“WE has a huge head start as they already know that everything was done properly,” said Bill Morneau. “So they don’t need to waste time looking around or asking questions.”
For their part WE said they were honoured to accept the assignment, and promised they would only be making $20-$30 million max off the gig.


thebeaverton--2020-07-16--The Beaverton’s top five four three two one uncancellable hunks of Hollywood

Guess what , Beav Babes ?
The annual list you ’ ve been waiting for is finally here !
Every year we assemble a list of five guaranteed unproblematic hot Hollywood hunks that you can crush on , 100 % guilt-free .
And this year is no exception !
We ’ ve crunched the numbers , scoped the hotties , tracked all of the news items of 2020 so far , and run everything through our Unproblematic Assessment Algorithm .
All you have to do is sit back , relax , and enjoy some bangin ’ JPEGs of these objectively @ @ @ @ @ @ @ men .
Here we go !
# 5 : [ ED .
NOTE – REMOVED .
See recently resurfaced blackface scandal .
Please substitute or omit before publication .
Thx ! ]
# 4 : [ ED .
NOTE – REMOVED .
Posted an anti-semitic rant on Instagram last week .
And remember what he did in that Pizza Hut in Vegas ?
Not a crime but I personally think it ’ s kinda problematic to use a bell pepper like that .
Please substitute or omit before publication . ]
# 3 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Okay , he really shouldn ’ t have made it through the algorithm .
The Bill Cosby thing was bad enough .
But the Trump support ?
The weird flex about his wife making a billion dollars during a global pandemic ?
I mean , the guy is running for president even though he has no shot at winning .
In 2020 .
Hugely problematic .
Sub or omit , we can ’ t publish this . ]
# 2 .
KEANU REEVES – This Canadian cutie is a total sweetheart !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ s Bill and Ted Face the Music to more serious turns in indie franchise The Matrix , Keanu delivers killer performances – all while never once tweeting # alllivesmatter .
He even avenges a sweet doggo in John Wick !
There ’ s never been a better time treat yourself to a back-to-back viewing of Toy Story 4 and A Scanner Darkly , because Keanu delivers BIG # HotBoySummer energy !
# 1 .
[ ED .
NOTE – REMOVED .
Confirmed transphobe , racist , multiple assault charges .
Thinking we should @ @ @ @ @ @ @ set up a Zoom to discuss .
In the meantime , please try to come up with 4 replacements .
Maybe expand scope to include celebrity animals ?
Is Flipper from Flipper homophobic ?
Please check .
Thx ! ]
And there you have it !
The Beaverton ’ s top 5 uncancellable hunks of Hollywood .
In these trying times , it ’ s supes refreshing to know that these hotties are 100 % real , and they ’ re out there making the world a better – and steamier – place @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so bleak after all .
🙂

Guess what, Beav Babes? The annual list you’ve been waiting for is finally here! Every year we assemble a list of five guaranteed unproblematic hot Hollywood hunks that you can crush on, 100% guilt-free. And this year is no exception! We’ve crunched the numbers, scoped the hotties, tracked all of the news items of 2020 so far, and run everything through our Unproblematic Assessment Algorithm. All you have to do is sit back, relax, and enjoy some bangin’ JPEGs of these objectively hot, genuinely good, famous human men. Here we go!
#5: [ED. NOTE – REMOVED. See recently resurfaced blackface scandal. Please substitute or omit before publication. Thx!]
#4: [ED. NOTE – REMOVED. Posted an anti-semitic rant on Instagram last week. And remember what he did in that Pizza Hut in Vegas? Not a crime but I personally think it’s kinda problematic to use a bell pepper like that. Please substitute or omit before publication.]
#3. [ED. NOTE – REMOVED. Okay, he really shouldn’t have made it through the algorithm. The Bill Cosby thing was bad enough. But the Trump support? The weird flex about his wife making a billion dollars during a global pandemic? I mean, the guy is running for president even though he has no shot at winning. In 2020. Hugely problematic. Sub or omit, we can’t publish this.]
#2. KEANU REEVES – This Canadian cutie is a total sweetheart! From goofy performances in this summer’s Bill and Ted Face the Music to more serious turns in indie franchise The Matrix, Keanu delivers killer performances – all while never once tweeting #alllivesmatter. He even avenges a sweet doggo in John Wick! There’s never been a better time treat yourself to a back-to-back viewing of Toy Story 4 and A Scanner Darkly, because Keanu delivers BIG #HotBoySummer energy!
#1. [ED. NOTE – REMOVED. Confirmed transphobe, racist, multiple assault charges. Thinking we should kill this piece. Let’s set up a Zoom to discuss. In the meantime, please try to come up with 4 replacements. Maybe expand scope to include celebrity animals? Is Flipper from Flipper homophobic? Please check. Thx!]
And there you have it! The Beaverton’s top 5 uncancellable hunks of Hollywood. In these trying times, it’s supes refreshing to know that these hotties are 100% real, and they’re out there making the world a better – and steamier – place! Maybe the future isn’t so bleak after all. 🙂


thebeaverton--2020-07-15--Resident Evil Village Review: A relaxing escape from reality

RACCOON CITY – The eighth instalment of the Resident Evil franchise continues right where the series left off , inserting the player in a zombie-infested post-apocalyptic wasteland that quickly asserts itself as a calming escape from reality .
Those with their own virtual reality gaming headset will be thrilled to learn that the precise motion controls , hyper-realistic physics , and jaw-dropping graphics all work together for complete immersion .
Expect to lose yourself in the experience while you walk around the broken city avoiding hordes of zombies , as the T-virus plagues all those who come in contact with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pace from reality where the disease spreading monsters happen to also be screaming bigots .
As a survival-horror game , the player will have to consider every decision carefully and expect to be brutally punished for any mistake you make and must be wary of trusting nefarious mega-corporations like Umbrella Corp who only care about profit over human lives .
It ’ s this kind of wonderful fantasy experience that make video games so magical compared to the real world where you can also be punished for the ignorant decisions of others who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ politics rather than compassion .
After playing the game for several hours , we believe that Resident Evil Village is a must-buy for all VR gamers .
If you love the thrill of running in fear from hordes of brain-rotted monsters , not knowing if today will be your last day – then do yourself a favour and head over to the mall where you can do exactly that while waiting to buy this game .
Be sure to also consider the human interaction DLC !
Where for $ 20 , you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a lightly attended party free of anxiety .

RACCOON CITY – The eighth instalment of the Resident Evil franchise continues right where the series left off, inserting the player in a zombie-infested post-apocalyptic wasteland that quickly asserts itself as a calming escape from reality.
Those with their own virtual reality gaming headset will be thrilled to learn that the precise motion controls, hyper-realistic physics, and jaw-dropping graphics all work together for complete immersion. Expect to lose yourself in the experience while you walk around the broken city avoiding hordes of zombies, as the T-virus plagues all those who come in contact with the infected – a relaxing change of pace from reality where the disease spreading monsters happen to also be screaming bigots.
As a survival-horror game, the player will have to consider every decision carefully and expect to be brutally punished for any mistake you make and must be wary of trusting nefarious mega-corporations like Umbrella Corp who only care about profit over human lives. It’s this kind of wonderful fantasy experience that make video games so magical compared to the real world where you can also be punished for the ignorant decisions of others who see public health as an issue of politics rather than compassion.
After playing the game for several hours, we believe that Resident Evil Village is a must-buy for all VR gamers. If you love the thrill of running in fear from hordes of brain-rotted monsters, not knowing if today will be your last day – then do yourself a favour and head over to the mall where you can do exactly that while waiting to buy this game.
Be sure to also consider the human interaction DLC! Where for $20, you’ll be able to simulate participating in a lightly attended party free of anxiety.


thebeaverton--2020-07-15--Doug Ford reveals Stage 3 has no plan to re-open schools, but will lower drinking age to 8

QUEEN ’ S PARK — As the Ford Government ’ s pandemic plan faces criticism for ignoring schools to prioritizing re-opening bars , the premier assured Ontarians that he will solve the dilemma by lowering the drinking age to 8 years old .
“ Look , the kids are gon na need to go somewhere all day , ” explained Premier Ford during a televised press conference .
“ We were all racking our brains about where to put them instead of school , when we remembered that soon we ’ re gon na have all these bars open.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ turned into an exciting business opportunity , ” beamed the triumphant Ford .
Ford outlined his plan to lower the drinking age , currently set at 19 years old , by 11 years as Ontario enters Stage 3 of its COVID response .
Ontario ’ s preteen children will immediately be able to patronize bars , as well as purchasing alcohol from Beer Stores , LCBOs , “ and the Wine Rack if they ’ re , y ’ know , gifted or whatever.
” Minister of Education Stephen Lecce went on to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ We expect most children to go out to the bars early in the day , mainly due to their not having any school to attend , ” Leccee explained .
Ford stepped in to add , “ Also they ’ re littler , so the booze ’ ll put ‘ em out of commission much earlier in the evening.
” Premier Ford touted this as a perfect solution for parents feeling under pressure to school their children from home while also working .
“ Put little Johnny on the couch with an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Molson , and enjoy all your new peace and quiet.
” When asked why his government focused on plans to reopen bars as opposed to safely preparing for the Fall school term , Ford was blunt .
“ Look , we only have so much time to handle this once-in-a-generation pandemic .
If schools wanted to reopen so bad they should ’ ve paid to lobby my government , just like the Food and Beverage Industry , the Construction Industry , and the newly-emerging Kids-Sized Margarita Industry.
” In a related story , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ playgrounds will now feature a 2-drink minimum .

QUEEN’S PARK — As the Ford Government’s pandemic plan faces criticism for ignoring schools to prioritizing re-opening bars, the premier assured Ontarians that he will solve the dilemma by lowering the drinking age to 8 years old.
“Look, the kids are gonna need to go somewhere all day,” explained Premier Ford during a televised press conference. “We were all racking our brains about where to put them instead of school, when we remembered that soon we’re gonna have all these bars open.”
“At that point, the problem turned into an exciting business opportunity,” beamed the triumphant Ford.
Ford outlined his plan to lower the drinking age, currently set at 19 years old, by 11 years as Ontario enters Stage 3 of its COVID response. Ontario’s preteen children will immediately be able to patronize bars, as well as purchasing alcohol from Beer Stores, LCBOs, “and the Wine Rack if they’re, y’know, gifted or whatever.”
Minister of Education Stephen Lecce went on to detail the drinking age lowering plan. “We expect most children to go out to the bars early in the day, mainly due to their not having any school to attend,” Leccee explained.
Ford stepped in to add, “Also they’re littler, so the booze’ll put ‘em out of commission much earlier in the evening.”
Premier Ford touted this as a perfect solution for parents feeling under pressure to school their children from home while also working. “Put little Johnny on the couch with an old Leafs game and a 6-pack of Molson, and enjoy all your new peace and quiet.”
When asked why his government focused on plans to reopen bars as opposed to safely preparing for the Fall school term, Ford was blunt. “Look, we only have so much time to handle this once-in-a-generation pandemic. If schools wanted to reopen so bad they should’ve paid to lobby my government, just like the Food and Beverage Industry, the Construction Industry, and the newly-emerging Kids-Sized Margarita Industry.”
In a related story, all of Ontario’s newly reopened playgrounds will now feature a 2-drink minimum.


thebeaverton--2020-07-15--Fate of global superpower once again rests on immune system of old lady

BALTIMORE – All eyes are on John Hopkins Hospital as the future of one of the most powerful political entities in the history of the human race comes down to the ability of the white blood cells of one 87-year-old woman to continue to fight off infection .
“ Right now , there are about 20 billion leukocytes stopping Donald Trump from naming his third Supreme Court justice .
I know 20 billion sounds like a lot , but they ’ re very very small and were produced by an immune system that ’ s been running non-stop for just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ political biologist Kendra Patel .
“ That ’ s an awful lot of pressure on an organic factory that ’ s been cranking out its product since 1933.
” It ’ s not known if the founders of the United States system of government envisioned a day when the functioning of that government would be determined by the ability of the T-cells and antibodies of an unelected octogenarian to work in tandem with antibiotics and endoscopic procedures to destroy a bacterial infection , but given that those founders predate antibiotics , endoscopic procedures @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s unlikely .
“ Justice Ginsburg , and by extension the world ’ s largest economy and most powerful military , is currently stable , ” her doctor said in an update about her condition and therefore the condition of a country with a population of 330 million people .
“ She is resting comfortably .
I ’ m a fucking wreck , but she ’ s comfortable.
” At press time , a man located two miles away from the hospital room where Ginsburg is recovering was apologizing profusely for thoughtlessly and @ @ @ @ @ @ @

BALTIMORE – All eyes are on John Hopkins Hospital as the future of one of the most powerful political entities in the history of the human race comes down to the ability of the white blood cells of one 87-year-old woman to continue to fight off infection.
“Right now, there are about 20 billion leukocytes stopping Donald Trump from naming his third Supreme Court justice. I know 20 billion sounds like a lot, but they’re very very small and were produced by an immune system that’s been running non-stop for just shy of a century,” said political biologist Kendra Patel. “That’s an awful lot of pressure on an organic factory that’s been cranking out its product since 1933.”
It’s not known if the founders of the United States system of government envisioned a day when the functioning of that government would be determined by the ability of the T-cells and antibodies of an unelected octogenarian to work in tandem with antibiotics and endoscopic procedures to destroy a bacterial infection, but given that those founders predate antibiotics, endoscopic procedures, and germ theory, it’s unlikely.
“Justice Ginsburg, and by extension the world’s largest economy and most powerful military, is currently stable,” her doctor said in an update about her condition and therefore the condition of a country with a population of 330 million people. “She is resting comfortably. I’m a fucking wreck, but she’s comfortable.”
At press time, a man located two miles away from the hospital room where Ginsburg is recovering was apologizing profusely for thoughtlessly and recklessly sneezing in that general direction.


thebeaverton--2020-07-15--Airline will no longer refund ticket holders whose lovers run to the airport last minute, with a cha

Airline will no longer refund ticket holders whose lovers run to the airport last minute, with a change of heart, asking them not to get on flight

PEARSON AIRPORT – Air Canada has announced they will no longer honour refunds from ticket holders whose lovers propose to them at the airport last minute and then plead for them to not get on the flight .
“ It puts quite the strain on the system , ” said Air Canada spokesperson Francis Withers .
“ Especially around Valentine ’ s Day and Christmas where 83 % of the people at the airport are romantics waiting to be stopped just before they board the plane.
” According to Withers , the decision to change the refund policy was not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ countless complaints from ground-level employees .
“ Picture this – you just finished dealing with passengers in a Group 5 designation trying to sneak on board during Group 3 , ” began long-time flight attendant Mark Fairfax .
“ Suddenly , some sweaty guy named Chase comes running across the terminal , with a bundle of roses – don ’ t ask how he got them past security – hollering for Anna to not get on the plane because ‘ he loves her and he ’ s sorry it ’ s taken until @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Only Chase doesn ’ t realize that prior to this special moment , I ’ ve already scanned Anna ’ s passport and checked-in her carry-on luggage because there is no room in the overhead compartment and we ’ ve asked volunteers to check their bag to their final destination , which for Anna was Winnipeg.
” Last year , Air Canada reported a $ 1.3 million loss from passengers filing for a refund after being reunited with their former hometown sweetheart , changing their mind on a dream job in some far @ @ @ @ @ @ @ declaration of love , or for simply having gotten their groove back .
“ And the worst part ” ended Withers , “ is that most of the claims are written as half-formed sentences spreading over fourteen different poster sized cards !
It ’ s a logistical nightmare.
” “ My latest connecting flight got delayed four times because of four different proposals , ” expressed Sue Collins , who frequently travels for work .
“ Then , when we finally got on the plane , an announcement came on shortly after take-off @ @ @ @ @ @ @ starboard windows .
Everyone thought it was cute the way ‘ CAPTAIN BARRY , I LOVE YOU ’ was written using ground crew traffic control lights , but then the pilot turned the whole plane around mid-air !
” “ I don ’ t think people realized there was an organ transplant on the flight , ” added Collins , sombrely .
Air Canada hopes the change in refund policy will not only help streamline their customer service but also force noncommittal boyfriends , the kind who wait until their partners are about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ love , to grow the fuck up .
Zoning bylaws have followed suit introducing legislation that prevents people from swooning lovers with boomboxes from front lawns or using the top of historical landmarks for meet-cutes .

PEARSON AIRPORT – Air Canada has announced they will no longer honour refunds from ticket holders whose lovers propose to them at the airport last minute and then plead for them to not get on the flight.
“It puts quite the strain on the system,” said Air Canada spokesperson Francis Withers. “Especially around Valentine’s Day and Christmas where 83% of the people at the airport are romantics waiting to be stopped just before they board the plane.”
According to Withers, the decision to change the refund policy was not only financial, but also from following countless complaints from ground-level employees.
“Picture this – you just finished dealing with passengers in a Group 5 designation trying to sneak on board during Group 3,” began long-time flight attendant Mark Fairfax. “Suddenly, some sweaty guy named Chase comes running across the terminal, with a bundle of roses – don’t ask how he got them past security – hollering for Anna to not get on the plane because ‘he loves her and he’s sorry it’s taken until this moment to realize it’. Only Chase doesn’t realize that prior to this special moment, I’ve already scanned Anna’s passport and checked-in her carry-on luggage because there is no room in the overhead compartment and we’ve asked volunteers to check their bag to their final destination, which for Anna was Winnipeg.”
Last year, Air Canada reported a $1.3 million loss from passengers filing for a refund after being reunited with their former hometown sweetheart, changing their mind on a dream job in some far away city because of a last minute declaration of love, or for simply having gotten their groove back. “And the worst part” ended Withers, “is that most of the claims are written as half-formed sentences spreading over fourteen different poster sized cards! It’s a logistical nightmare.”
“My latest connecting flight got delayed four times because of four different proposals,” expressed Sue Collins, who frequently travels for work. “Then, when we finally got on the plane, an announcement came on shortly after take-off instructing us all to look out the starboard windows. Everyone thought it was cute the way ‘CAPTAIN BARRY, I LOVE YOU’ was written using ground crew traffic control lights, but then the pilot turned the whole plane around mid-air!”
“I don’t think people realized there was an organ transplant on the flight,” added Collins, sombrely.
Air Canada hopes the change in refund policy will not only help streamline their customer service but also force noncommittal boyfriends, the kind who wait until their partners are about to walk away forever to declare their love, to grow the fuck up.
Zoning bylaws have followed suit introducing legislation that prevents people from swooning lovers with boomboxes from front lawns or using the top of historical landmarks for meet-cutes.


thebeaverton--2020-07-15--Man wearing face shield upside down like a pope hat seems to think it’s doing something

Kingston , ON – A Queen ’ s Masters student who ’ s been spotted on multiple occasions maskless and wearing a face shield upside down like a cute little pope hat seems to think the incorrectly worn PPE is doing something for him .
“ I know it ’ s upside down , ” says Adam Tavares , his face shield gently waffling in the afternoon breeze .
“ But don ’ t worry .
I always pull it on when I feel the presence of coronavirus.
” Tavares went on to list several public areas he considers high-risk @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a vintage record shop , smaller gastropubs , or his “ super sensitive but way hot ” girlfriend ’ s house .
Only in low-risk environments does he flip the shield upside down and wear it like a little satellite dish for his sweet , bald head .
But not everyone trusts Tavares ’ s judgement .
He has been publicly shamed on multiple occasions , including a rather terse conversation at the grocery store with a woman who raised concerns about the health of her 8-year-old .
“ Like , okay Karen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s so immunocompromised , why is she out in public and not secreted away in an oubliette somewhere like an ugly Victorian child ?
Hashtag STAY HOME !
” Tavares continued , nervously flipping his face shield to half mast like one of those green accountant ’ s visors .
“ People have no common sense.
” When asked about his other pandemic hygiene procedures , Tavares explained that he “ just can ’ t even ” with nitrile rubber , all hand soaps , and “ the sensation of fabric or paper @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” For Tavares , it ’ s the face shield or nothing .
And thankfully , his jaunty big boy tiara has only one drawback .
“ The problem is when you sneeze or cough inside the shield , the splatter gets everywhere , ” He explains .
“ It ’ s really annoying .
I can ’ t read David Foster Wallace like that.
” Tavares plans to continue his unorthodox shield practices until the virus runs its course , or until he graduates from his one-year program sometime in 2024 .

Kingston, ON – A Queen’s Masters student who’s been spotted on multiple occasions maskless and wearing a face shield upside down like a cute little pope hat seems to think the incorrectly worn PPE is doing something for him.
“I know it’s upside down,” says Adam Tavares, his face shield gently waffling in the afternoon breeze. “But don’t worry. I always pull it on when I feel the presence of coronavirus.”
Tavares went on to list several public areas he considers high-risk enough to don the shield, like a vintage record shop, smaller gastropubs, or his “super sensitive but way hot” girlfriend’s house. Only in low-risk environments does he flip the shield upside down and wear it like a little satellite dish for his sweet, bald head.
But not everyone trusts Tavares’s judgement. He has been publicly shamed on multiple occasions, including a rather terse conversation at the grocery store with a woman who raised concerns about the health of her 8-year-old.
“Like, okay Karen. If you’re kid’s so immunocompromised, why is she out in public and not secreted away in an oubliette somewhere like an ugly Victorian child? Hashtag STAY HOME!” Tavares continued, nervously flipping his face shield to half mast like one of those green accountant’s visors. “People have no common sense.”
When asked about his other pandemic hygiene procedures, Tavares explained that he “just can’t even” with nitrile rubber, all hand soaps, and “the sensation of fabric or paper on [his] delicate nose skin.”
For Tavares, it’s the face shield or nothing. And thankfully, his jaunty big boy tiara has only one drawback.
“The problem is when you sneeze or cough inside the shield, the splatter gets everywhere,” He explains. “It’s really annoying. I can’t read David Foster Wallace like that.”
Tavares plans to continue his unorthodox shield practices until the virus runs its course, or until he graduates from his one-year program sometime in 2024.


thebeaverton--2020-07-16--New mask exemption card indicates medical condition of being an asshole

TORONTO – A new card circulating throughout Canada claims to exempt people from mandatory face masks due to their medical condition of being a selfish asshole .
The new designation indicates that cardholders are suffering from chronic fuckwittery who have no consideration for another person ’ s actual medical condition amidst a global pandemic not seen in over 100 years .
“ I ’ m medically exempt , ” said a fully licensed prick flaunting his dickbag identifier at a local business .
“ You can ’ t tell me what to do.
” Cards come with various slogans such @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about masks until I get it ” and “ Live Free and Die.
” “ Being a pigheaded dullard who can ’ t make simple sacrifices affects one in every 200 person , ” said Dr. Marsha Williams of the Center for the Study of Douchebags .
“ Symptoms include misunderstanding of rights , cutting other drivers off in traffic , and helping wipe out the human race.
” Meanwhile , the same group responsible for the manufacturing of the asshole exemption cards have also produced fake handicap parking permits to reinforce their @ @

TORONTO – A new card circulating throughout Canada claims to exempt people from mandatory face masks due to their medical condition of being a selfish asshole.
The new designation indicates that cardholders are suffering from chronic fuckwittery who have no consideration for another person’s actual medical condition amidst a global pandemic not seen in over 100 years.
“I’m medically exempt,” said a fully licensed prick flaunting his dickbag identifier at a local business. “You can’t tell me what to do.”
Cards come with various slogans such as “I don’t care about masks until I get it” and “Live Free and Die.”
“Being a pigheaded dullard who can’t make simple sacrifices affects one in every 200 person,” said Dr. Marsha Williams of the Center for the Study of Douchebags. “Symptoms include misunderstanding of rights, cutting other drivers off in traffic, and helping wipe out the human race.”
Meanwhile, the same group responsible for the manufacturing of the asshole exemption cards have also produced fake handicap parking permits to reinforce their point.


thebeaverton--2020-07-17--Enlightened Edmonton CFL team discovers that money is more important than being racist

EDMONTON – The Edmonton Eskimos will change its name after the team ’ s corporate leadership discovered that having money is more important than being racist .
In the wake of sponsors threatening to leave the team , members of the executive staff gathered in a press conference to show the public what this decades-long controversy has taught them .
“ We would like to offer our most sincere apology to the community that our offensive and colonial name has affected ; the people of Belairdirect , ” said Chris Presson , CEO and President of the Edmonton team .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ our wallets and decided that now was the time to change our name .
I can assure you that all of us on the team now have a deep appreciation for car and home insurance and how much they give back to the team.
” The team announced they conducted deep and meaningful consultation and dialogue with brands giving them money for advertising .
The team will strike a commission to study how they can reconcile with their premium level sponsors .
“ We reflected and calculated how much money would be lost @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and that ’ s what matters most , ” added Presson .
In a further sign of reconciliation , Edmonton will begin each game with a land acknowledgement to Boston Pizza , The Brick , and Coors Light .

EDMONTON – The Edmonton Eskimos will change its name after the team’s corporate leadership discovered that having money is more important than being racist.
In the wake of sponsors threatening to leave the team, members of the executive staff gathered in a press conference to show the public what this decades-long controversy has taught them.
“We would like to offer our most sincere apology to the community that our offensive and colonial name has affected; the people of Belairdirect,” said Chris Presson, CEO and President of the Edmonton team. “We looked from the bottom of our wallets and decided that now was the time to change our name. I can assure you that all of us on the team now have a deep appreciation for car and home insurance and how much they give back to the team.”
The team announced they conducted deep and meaningful consultation and dialogue with brands giving them money for advertising. The team will strike a commission to study how they can reconcile with their premium level sponsors.
“We reflected and calculated how much money would be lost if we kept calling ourselves the Eskimos, and that’s what matters most,” added Presson.
In a further sign of reconciliation, Edmonton will begin each game with a land acknowledgement to Boston Pizza, The Brick, and Coors Light.


thebeaverton--2020-07-17--Local mom shocked to discover ACAB doesn’t stand for “A Cool Autumn Breeze”

Muskoka , ON – Local mother Wendy Marylin was shocked to discover her favourite acronym “ ACAB ” did not commonly stand for “ A Cool Autumn Breeze.
” “ I thought this whole time I was just celebrating the cool breeze at my Muskoka cottage , ” said Wendy .
“ I was wondering why I had so many followers from leftist twitter .
I thought they were all just so happy for me that the summer wasn ’ t too hot due to the light , northern wind I got on my deck.
” Some of Wendy ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I get mad I just remember ACAB , ” “ Spent my whole weekend yelling about ACAB , ” and “ Why are people so mad about ACAB.
” She also put the acronym in her LinkedIn profile , her email signature , and her resume .
Wendy discovered the true meaning after she invited several members of the police over for a barbecue .
She shared a photo of the group captioned “ A great afternoon because ACAB.
” After the photo went viral cops began pulling her over for driving exactly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her , so she began to suspect that something wasn ’ t right .
“ Honestly I was this close to tazing the crap out of her while she ‘ resisted ’ arrest , ” said deputy Mulktost .
“ But just before my body camera was about to ‘ malfunction , ’ she told me about the cool autumn breeze !
We all had a laugh , imagine the egg on my face knowing I was about to escalate a peaceful situation with an innocent person !
” Wendy ’ s children @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time their mother ’ s lack of social media savvy had led to awkward situations .
“ While we were at church she thought FML meant ‘ forgive me lord , ” said Wendy ’ s daughter .
“ She just would say ‘ FML ’ out loud at church .
She ’ d post photos of Jesus that just said ‘ FML ’ .
Our pastor got real mad .
Since the misunderstanding , Wendy has responded to her followers saying , “ I am sorry for all the confusion .
Just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ DTF by which I mean down to fuck .
Thank you .
”

Muskoka, ON – Local mother Wendy Marylin was shocked to discover her favourite acronym “ACAB” did not commonly stand for “A Cool Autumn Breeze.”
“I thought this whole time I was just celebrating the cool breeze at my Muskoka cottage,” said Wendy. “I was wondering why I had so many followers from leftist twitter. I thought they were all just so happy for me that the summer wasn’t too hot due to the light, northern wind I got on my deck.”
Some of Wendy’s most popular posts include “Everytime I get mad I just remember ACAB,” “Spent my whole weekend yelling about ACAB,” and “Why are people so mad about ACAB.” She also put the acronym in her LinkedIn profile, her email signature, and her resume.
Wendy discovered the true meaning after she invited several members of the police over for a barbecue. She shared a photo of the group captioned “A great afternoon because ACAB.” After the photo went viral cops began pulling her over for driving exactly the speed limit and planting drugs on her, so she began to suspect that something wasn’t right.
“Honestly I was this close to tazing the crap out of her while she ‘resisted’ arrest,” said deputy Mulktost. “But just before my body camera was about to ‘malfunction,’ she told me about the cool autumn breeze! We all had a laugh, imagine the egg on my face knowing I was about to escalate a peaceful situation with an innocent person!”
Wendy’s children noted that this is not the first time their mother’s lack of social media savvy had led to awkward situations. “While we were at church she thought FML meant ‘forgive me lord,” said Wendy’s daughter. “She just would say ‘FML’ out loud at church. She’d post photos of Jesus that just said ‘FML’. Our pastor got real mad.
Since the misunderstanding, Wendy has responded to her followers saying, “I am sorry for all the confusion. Just to be clear, I am still DTF by which I mean down to fuck. Thank you.”


thebeaverton--2020-07-19--Bike Courier delivering Soufflé is absolutely fucked

TORONTO– With fancy restaurants ’ doors closed nationwide , many bougie businesses have turned to delivery apps , entrusting their delicate dishes to hungover teenagers riding bicycles .
This has become an issue for some riders , including Harwinder Abdi , who has been tasked with delivering a soufflé .
“ Why would the restaurant even take this order ?
” , complained Abdi .
“ They know it ’ s impossible to deliver a soufflé before it collapses .
Who am I ?
Lance Armstrong ?
” “ As soon as it leaves the oven , air starts escaping @ @ @ @ @ @ @ matter of time ” , added Abdi .
“ You ever try to re-inflate a soufflé with a bicycle pump ?
Don ’ t .
It makes the situation exponentially worse.
” Unfortunately for Abdi , this was just the latest in a series of difficult orders .
Just this week he has been asked to deliver a shaker of vermouth and fruit punch and do flare bartending like Tom Cruise in Cocktail , pour warm chocolate sauce into a lava cake , and use his go to weed lighter to ignite a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t even tip , and the shaker got stuck in an eavestrough ” said Abdi .
“ Now , if you ’ ll excuse me , I got ta find another order to make my money back on this soufflé .
Anyone know how to sing happy birthday in Italian ?
A kid on College street is having a birthday.
” Hopefully things soon simplify for Mr. Abdi and the entire food-freightage industry , but with the hot weather and ice cream cone cravings , things will likely only get worse before @ @ @ @

TORONTO– With fancy restaurants’ doors closed nationwide, many bougie businesses have turned to delivery apps, entrusting their delicate dishes to hungover teenagers riding bicycles. This has become an issue for some riders, including Harwinder Abdi, who has been tasked with delivering a soufflé.
“Why would the restaurant even take this order?”, complained Abdi. “They know it’s impossible to deliver a soufflé before it collapses. Who am I? Lance Armstrong?”
“As soon as it leaves the oven, air starts escaping, and then it’s a matter of time”, added Abdi. “You ever try to re-inflate a soufflé with a bicycle pump? Don’t. It makes the situation exponentially worse.”
Unfortunately for Abdi, this was just the latest in a series of difficult orders. Just this week he has been asked to deliver a shaker of vermouth and fruit punch and do flare bartending like Tom Cruise in Cocktail, pour warm chocolate sauce into a lava cake, and use his go to weed lighter to ignite a flambe.”
“The flambe guy didn’t even tip, and the shaker got stuck in an eavestrough” said Abdi. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta find another order to make my money back on this soufflé. Anyone know how to sing happy birthday in Italian? A kid on College street is having a birthday.”
Hopefully things soon simplify for Mr. Abdi and the entire food-freightage industry, but with the hot weather and ice cream cone cravings, things will likely only get worse before they get better.


thebeaverton--2020-07-20--Homeland Security assures Americans they’re grabbing Portland protesters off street for cool frat ha

Homeland Security assures Americans they’re grabbing Portland protesters off street for cool frat hazing

PORTLAND , OR – After reports of unidentified federal agents pulling protesters off the street and into unmarked vans , the US Department of Homeland Security has assured citizens the snatchings are only a prologue to “ some cool , old school fraternity hazing ” .
“ I can ’ t understand how people think these warrantless arrests without detainees being read their rights would lead to anything other than some sick keg stands , ” explained DHS acting head Chad Wolf .
“ And of course you can trust me as an authority on fraternity antics – I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Wolf ’ .
” “ Now seriously Portlandites , get in the unmarked vans and don ’ t resist , ” Wolf then emphasized .
For the past week , cell phone videos have depicted unmarked federal officers assaulting peaceful protesters on Portland ’ s streets – now , it appears , this was all meant as part of a routine DHS hazing ritual .
“ We figured Portland was cool , ” explained one camouflage-clad officer who repeatedly refused to identify himself or his federal department .
“ Our entire plan was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them , take them to an offsite location , and then surprise them with a dope toga party and some jello shots.
” “ Speaking of which , turn around so I can zip-tie your hands .
Now , ” the officer added .
The DHS went on to explain how the unmarked officers , a loose “ basically legal ” coalition of agents from Border Patrol and US Marshals , were dispatched in response to recent protests in the city of Portland .
In lieu of listening to protesters demands to reform @ @ @ @ @ @ @ elected to de-escalate the situation with a more frat-like approach involving secretive abductions .
Other examples of the officers ’ “ frat hazing hijinx ” have included tear gas , baton beatings , and firing rubber bullets into crowds .
“ Sure we play a little rough , but it ’ ll all be worth it when we break out the beer pong later on , ” explained Wolf .
“ It ’ s gon na be just like that awesome Will Ferrell/ Vince Vaughan movie , except instead of paddle spankings we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ without charge or access to a lawyer.
” Reached for comment , local Portland protester Aidan Fellows said , “ I was surprised when they threw me into a van and drove off at high speed , but the bag over my head felt pretty frat-like , I suppose.
” Fellow then added , “ Also , where are you taking me , and please tell my family where I went !
” In a related story , President Trump and Attorney General Barr were recently seen discussing a map of major US @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” .

PORTLAND, OR – After reports of unidentified federal agents pulling protesters off the street and into unmarked vans, the US Department of Homeland Security has assured citizens the snatchings are only a prologue to “some cool, old school fraternity hazing”.
“I can’t understand how people think these warrantless arrests without detainees being read their rights would lead to anything other than some sick keg stands,” explained DHS acting head Chad Wolf. “And of course you can trust me as an authority on fraternity antics – I’m a white Republican named ‘Chad Wolf’.”
“Now seriously Portlandites, get in the unmarked vans and don’t resist,” Wolf then emphasized.
For the past week, cell phone videos have depicted unmarked federal officers assaulting peaceful protesters on Portland’s streets – now, it appears, this was all meant as part of a routine DHS hazing ritual. “We figured Portland was cool,” explained one camouflage-clad officer who repeatedly refused to identify himself or his federal department. “Our entire plan was to scare people a bit, blindfold them, take them to an offsite location, and then surprise them with a dope toga party and some jello shots.”
“Speaking of which, turn around so I can zip-tie your hands. Now,” the officer added.
The DHS went on to explain how the unmarked officers, a loose “basically legal” coalition of agents from Border Patrol and US Marshals, were dispatched in response to recent protests in the city of Portland. In lieu of listening to protesters demands to reform and defund the police, DHS instead elected to de-escalate the situation with a more frat-like approach involving secretive abductions. Other examples of the officers’ “frat hazing hijinx” have included tear gas, baton beatings, and firing rubber bullets into crowds.
“Sure we play a little rough, but it’ll all be worth it when we break out the beer pong later on,” explained Wolf. “It’s gonna be just like that awesome Will Ferrell/ Vince Vaughan movie, except instead of paddle spankings we’re gonna hold protesters indefinitely without charge or access to a lawyer.”
Reached for comment, local Portland protester Aidan Fellows said, “I was surprised when they threw me into a van and drove off at high speed, but the bag over my head felt pretty frat-like, I suppose.”
Fellow then added, “Also, where are you taking me, and please tell my family where I went!”
In a related story, President Trump and Attorney General Barr were recently seen discussing a map of major US cities, ominously labelled “Rush Week”.


thebeaverton--2020-07-20--Alberta government sets up border checkpoints to screen for fleeing doctors

EDMONTON – Premier Jason Kenney has announced border checkpoints to screen for any physicians trying to leave the province .
Police and provincial officials have set up roadblocks at every border exiting Alberta and turning away anyone they suspect of showing doctor-like symptoms .
“ All Albertan doctors are required to follow their 10,000 day quarantine rule which requires them to stay in the province while we cap their pay during a pandemic , ” announced Kenney in a press conference .
“ We have already started testing for those who may think they are a doctor , but we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spread to other provinces and even the US.
” Alberta ’ s Health Minister is advising that if anyone has been in contact with someone with a valid medical license , they should lock them into their houses , hospitals , or private practices immediately .
Symptoms of being a doctor include wearing a stethoscope , unintelligible handwriting , and being very pissed at the UCP government .
While a cure for being a fleeing doctor is not known , the government will continue to apply the best treatment of sending Health Minister @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sees .

EDMONTON – Premier Jason Kenney has announced border checkpoints to screen for any physicians trying to leave the province.
Police and provincial officials have set up roadblocks at every border exiting Alberta and turning away anyone they suspect of showing doctor-like symptoms.
“All Albertan doctors are required to follow their 10,000 day quarantine rule which requires them to stay in the province while we cap their pay during a pandemic,” announced Kenney in a press conference. “We have already started testing for those who may think they are a doctor, but we’re concerned that cases may have spread to other provinces and even the US.”
Alberta’s Health Minister is advising that if anyone has been in contact with someone with a valid medical license, they should lock them into their houses, hospitals, or private practices immediately.
Symptoms of being a doctor include wearing a stethoscope, unintelligible handwriting, and being very pissed at the UCP government.
While a cure for being a fleeing doctor is not known, the government will continue to apply the best treatment of sending Health Minister Tyler Shandro to accost every doctor he sees.


thebeaverton--2020-07-20--Canada bans Blue Jays due to COVID, sucking

TORONTO – The federal government has announced that the Toronto Blue Jays will not be able to play home games in Toronto this year due to the COVID pandemic , and the fact that the team was probably gon na suck anyway .
“ Obviously this decision was primarily about the MLB ’ s unsafe plan to have teams travel across the border without quarantining , ” said Immigration Minister Marco Mendicino .
“ But let ’ s just say this would have been a bit tougher if it was 2015 and Joey Bats was still in the lineup.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had come up with the same plan , the Raptors would be playing at Scotiabank Arena right now .
Like , right now.
” In recent weeks the MLB ’ s plan to restart the league in the U.S. where cases are surging become untenable , as did the Jays front office plan to try to compete with the Sox and Yankees without any bullpen depth .
“ Can you believe how many cases there are in Florida , or that Shapiro might send Nate Pearson down to the minors just so he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ contract , ” said local fan Henry Cook .
Mendicino added that the federal government would reconsider their decision if the MLB added suitable travel arrangements , and Vladimir Guerrero Jr. started living up to the hype .
The government added that TFC could not play at home in front of fans either , due to the huge risk of a COVID epidemic wiping out all of Toronto ’ s Old Portugese Men

TORONTO – The federal government has announced that the Toronto Blue Jays will not be able to play home games in Toronto this year due to the COVID pandemic, and the fact that the team was probably gonna suck anyway.
“Obviously this decision was primarily about the MLB’s unsafe plan to have teams travel across the border without quarantining,” said Immigration Minister Marco Mendicino. “But let’s just say this would have been a bit tougher if it was 2015 and Joey Bats was still in the lineup.”
“I mean, if the NBA had come up with the same plan, the Raptors would be playing at Scotiabank Arena right now. Like, right now.”
In recent weeks the MLB’s plan to restart the league in the U.S. where cases are surging become untenable, as did the Jays front office plan to try to compete with the Sox and Yankees without any bullpen depth.
“Can you believe how many cases there are in Florida, or that Shapiro might send Nate Pearson down to the minors just so he can get an extra year on his contract,” said local fan Henry Cook.
Mendicino added that the federal government would reconsider their decision if the MLB added suitable travel arrangements, and Vladimir Guerrero Jr. started living up to the hype.
The government added that TFC could not play at home in front of fans either, due to the huge risk of a COVID epidemic wiping out all of Toronto’s Old Portugese Men


thebeaverton--2020-07-20--Police say that anti-Nazi graffiti “hits close to home”

OAKVILLE , ON – After a monument commemorating soldiers who fought in Hitler ’ s SS was vandalized with spray paint recently , Halton Regional Police have declared that “ this hate crime hits especially close to home for those of us who dedicate our lives to being police officers , and we will devote as much manpower as we can to bringing this vindictive anti-Nazi scum to justice.
” The Nazi war monument , located in the St. Volodymyr Ukrainian Cemetery , was spray painted with the words “ Nazi war monument ” in a straightforward and literal description @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ A hate crime doesn ’ t simply target a single monument or statue , ” explained a spokesperson for the Halton Regional Police .
“ It sends a message to all of the people that that monument is dedicated to .
Now anyone who is just following orders while rounding people up as part of a racist system will be doing so with fear in their heart , and that simply isn ’ t right.
” The monument , which commemorates Ukrainians who pledged their allegiance to Hitler and served with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ assigned a rotating team of officers providing 24 hour protection .
An additional group of police officers volunteered to clean the graffiti and revitalize the monument during their time off , but the local Chief of Police insisted that they be paid overtime from the city budget for their service .
When the proprietors of the cemetery were asked why any sort of memorial to the SS even existed in Canada in the first place they responded by saying “ Hey , look over there in America !
A confederate monument !
” @ @ @ @

OAKVILLE, ON – After a monument commemorating soldiers who fought in Hitler’s SS was vandalized with spray paint recently, Halton Regional Police have declared that “this hate crime hits especially close to home for those of us who dedicate our lives to being police officers, and we will devote as much manpower as we can to bringing this vindictive anti-Nazi scum to justice.”
The Nazi war monument, located in the St. Volodymyr Ukrainian Cemetery, was spray painted with the words “Nazi war monument” in a straightforward and literal description that police characterize as “chilling”.
“A hate crime doesn’t simply target a single monument or statue,” explained a spokesperson for the Halton Regional Police. “It sends a message to all of the people that that monument is dedicated to. Now anyone who is just following orders while rounding people up as part of a racist system will be doing so with fear in their heart, and that simply isn’t right.”
The monument, which commemorates Ukrainians who pledged their allegiance to Hitler and served with the 14th SS Division, has been assigned a rotating team of officers providing 24 hour protection. An additional group of police officers volunteered to clean the graffiti and revitalize the monument during their time off, but the local Chief of Police insisted that they be paid overtime from the city budget for their service.
When the proprietors of the cemetery were asked why any sort of memorial to the SS even existed in Canada in the first place they responded by saying “Hey, look over there in America! A confederate monument!” and ran away.


thebeaverton--2020-07-21--Andrew Scheer gives Liberals insider tips on how to get rid of a party leader who won’t fucking leav

Andrew Scheer gives Liberals insider tips on how to get rid of a party leader who won’t fucking leave

OTTAWA – Andrew Scheer , who announced he was stepping down from his position as Conservative leader seven months ago , has called on the Liberals to remove Justin Trudeau as their leader and is willing to give them the benefit of his wisdom to ensure Trudeau doesn ’ t manage to cling onto power like he has .
“ Do not , and I can ’ t stress this enough , do not let him announce he ’ ll step down ‘ as soon as a successor is chosen , ’ ” Scheer counselled .
“ That ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gon na stick around as long as is humanly possible while conveniently removing any incentive I would ’ ve had to answer for the actions that led to everyone demanding that I leave.
’ ” “ You got ta make him leave when he says he ’ s leaving , otherwise , like me , he ’ s not going anywhere.
” Scheer , who was pressured to step down after his failure to turn the SNC-Lavalin and Trudeau blackface scandals into an electoral win for the Conservatives , was also mired in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that the Conservatives were paying for his children ’ s private school education and is strongly advising the Liberals to do a more thorough job of removing Trudeau than the Conservatives have done removing him .
“ If they allow him to continue , if they don ’ t demand that he resign , then they are telling Canadians that they are comfortable with his corruption , ” Scheer explained .
“ Like how , by not making me leave and allowing me to continue to lead the party indefinitely , the Conservatives @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me using a secret party slush fund to pay for my children to get a more expensive education than other Canadian children have access to , and that they are okay with how terribly we did during the last election.
” “ Trudeau is already shrugging off yet another scandal , just think of how little he ’ ll care to address issues of leadership once he ’ s ‘ stepped down ’ but remains in charge.
” “ They also have the future of their party to consider , ” Scheer said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who wasn ’ t a lame duck could be turning the current Liberal scandals into hay for the next election , while I , the only Conservative we know for a fact won ’ t be the next leader of the party , remain in the spotlight instead .
The Liberals should definitely try to avoid finding themselves in this kind of scenario.
” “ And , whatever else you do , do not let him continue to make inane social media posts that only confirm what an idiot he is.
” Scheer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ telling them that they should consider going outside the party to replace Trudeau , perhaps looking for someone with party leadership experience and who will at some point in the not-too-distant future need a new job once he is finally pried , kicking and screaming , out of his current position .

OTTAWA – Andrew Scheer, who announced he was stepping down from his position as Conservative leader seven months ago, has called on the Liberals to remove Justin Trudeau as their leader and is willing to give them the benefit of his wisdom to ensure Trudeau doesn’t manage to cling onto power like he has.
“Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, do not let him announce he’ll step down ‘as soon as a successor is chosen,’” Scheer counselled. “That’s just code for ‘I’m gonna stick around as long as is humanly possible while conveniently removing any incentive I would’ve had to answer for the actions that led to everyone demanding that I leave.’”
“You gotta make him leave when he says he’s leaving, otherwise, like me, he’s not going anywhere.”
Scheer, who was pressured to step down after his failure to turn the SNC-Lavalin and Trudeau blackface scandals into an electoral win for the Conservatives, was also mired in his own scandal when it came out that the Conservatives were paying for his children’s private school education and is strongly advising the Liberals to do a more thorough job of removing Trudeau than the Conservatives have done removing him.
“If they allow him to continue, if they don’t demand that he resign, then they are telling Canadians that they are comfortable with his corruption,” Scheer explained. “Like how, by not making me leave and allowing me to continue to lead the party indefinitely, the Conservatives have told Canadians they are comfortable with me using a secret party slush fund to pay for my children to get a more expensive education than other Canadian children have access to, and that they are okay with how terribly we did during the last election.”
“Trudeau is already shrugging off yet another scandal, just think of how little he’ll care to address issues of leadership once he’s ‘stepped down’ but remains in charge.”
“They also have the future of their party to consider,” Scheer said. “Consider how a Conservative leader who wasn’t a lame duck could be turning the current Liberal scandals into hay for the next election, while I, the only Conservative we know for a fact won’t be the next leader of the party, remain in the spotlight instead. The Liberals should definitely try to avoid finding themselves in this kind of scenario.”
“And, whatever else you do, do not let him continue to make inane social media posts that only confirm what an idiot he is.”
Scheer concluded his advice to the Liberals by telling them that they should consider going outside the party to replace Trudeau, perhaps looking for someone with party leadership experience and who will at some point in the not-too-distant future need a new job once he is finally pried, kicking and screaming, out of his current position.


thebeaverton--2020-07-21--True Patriot! Man types Pornhub.ca into browser

WINNIPEG , MB – In a stunning display of patriotism , Winnipeg resident and proud Canadian Kyle Henderson has shuttered the blinds , locked the door , and typed ‘ pornhub.ca ’ into his incognito browser .
“ It ’ s important to me that my love of country reverberates through everything I do , ” said Henderson when asked why he opted for the Canadian suffix of the popular pornographic site .
“ And I mean everything.
” “ Every part of me is about to stand on guard for thee , ” he added , double-checking that his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ were plugged in .
While Henderson remains committed to his search choice , Pornhub was quick to clarify that , while they appreciate the enthusiasm , the modified search is ultimately unnecessary .
“ We ’ re actually a Canadian company , ” said spokesperson Peter McVie , “ so regardless if you use .com or .ca , you ’ ll be directed to that good ol ’ Canadian smut you ’ ve grown to love .
Now if you ’ re looking for something to do with leprechauns or weird German stuff @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Regardless , Henderson remains committed to paying homage to his proud Canadian heritage whenever he can , adding that his favourite search terms include “ Debbie Does Dartmouth ” , “ Sexy Doctor Doesn ’ t Ask For Insurance Information ” , and simply “ Bonhomme.
” “ If you ask me , this whole thing has gotten out of hand , ” reported roommate Dan Feeney .
“ He ’ s started imposing mandatory Can-Con regulations on his ‘ mood playlist.
’ I ’ m not even sure there ’ s ever @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but surely this isn ’ t it.
” At press time Henderson had unbuttoned just enough buttons on his plaid onesie with a moose on the butt , queued up a video set in the remote wilderness , and began pleasuring himself to an establishing shot of the Rockies .

WINNIPEG, MB – In a stunning display of patriotism, Winnipeg resident and proud Canadian Kyle Henderson has shuttered the blinds, locked the door, and typed ‘pornhub.ca’ into his incognito browser.
“It’s important to me that my love of country reverberates through everything I do,” said Henderson when asked why he opted for the Canadian suffix of the popular pornographic site. “And I mean everything.”
“Every part of me is about to stand on guard for thee,” he added, double-checking that his bluetooth was turned off and his headphones were plugged in.
While Henderson remains committed to his search choice, Pornhub was quick to clarify that, while they appreciate the enthusiasm, the modified search is ultimately unnecessary.
“We’re actually a Canadian company,” said spokesperson Peter McVie, “so regardless if you use .com or .ca, you’ll be directed to that good ol’ Canadian smut you’ve grown to love. Now if you’re looking for something to do with leprechauns or weird German stuff, we definitely recommend using .eu”
Regardless, Henderson remains committed to paying homage to his proud Canadian heritage whenever he can, adding that his favourite search terms include “Debbie Does Dartmouth”, “Sexy Doctor Doesn’t Ask For Insurance Information”, and simply “Bonhomme.”
“If you ask me, this whole thing has gotten out of hand,” reported roommate Dan Feeney. “He’s started imposing mandatory Can-Con regulations on his ‘mood playlist.’ I’m not even sure there’s ever a good time for April Wine, but surely this isn’t it.”
At press time Henderson had unbuttoned just enough buttons on his plaid onesie with a moose on the butt, queued up a video set in the remote wilderness, and began pleasuring himself to an establishing shot of the Rockies.