thebeaverton--2020-04-24--Trudeau: Withholding bailout funds to stop Canadian companies from using tax havens would undermine

Trudeau: Withholding bailout funds to stop Canadian companies from using tax havens would undermine our longstanding efforts to not stop Canadian companies from using tax havens

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau wants the Canadian business community to know that this pandemic and the governmental response to it will in no way alter the Liberal government ’ s policy of not doing a goddamn thing about corporate tax avoidance .
“ For five years this government has taken a hands-off approach to wealthy individuals and corporations using every loophole in the book to avoid paying taxes , and now is not the time to alter what has been one of our most dependable and successful policies , ” Trudeau said this week during Question Period .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ go back to normal when this pandemic ends , and that includes the corporate use of tax havens to keep $ 10 billion out of the government ’ s coffers every year.
” Several European countries have refused to give bailout funds to corporations that avoid paying domestic taxes by parking their money in offshore tax havens , and while members of the Bloc Québécois and NDP have asked Trudeau to do the same , he ’ s made it clear that just because a corporation has done everything in its power to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is no reason for the Canadian government not to use the taxes it dutifully collected from other Canadians to bailout these deadbeat corporate citizens .
“ Not to mention the fact that it would be highly hypocritical of us to punish corporations for using legal tax loopholes when , as we demonstrated through our response to the Panama Papers , we don ’ t even punish corporations for using illegal tax loopholes , ” Trudeau explained .
At press time , the Canadian government had agreed to requests from several companies to deliver @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a small velvet bag of uncut diamonds left in a bus station locker in Luxembourg .

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau wants the Canadian business community to know that this pandemic and the governmental response to it will in no way alter the Liberal government’s policy of not doing a goddamn thing about corporate tax avoidance.
“For five years this government has taken a hands-off approach to wealthy individuals and corporations using every loophole in the book to avoid paying taxes, and now is not the time to alter what has been one of our most dependable and successful policies,” Trudeau said this week during Question Period.
“Our goal is for everything to go back to normal when this pandemic ends, and that includes the corporate use of tax havens to keep $10 billion out of the government’s coffers every year.”
Several European countries have refused to give bailout funds to corporations that avoid paying domestic taxes by parking their money in offshore tax havens, and while members of the Bloc Québécois and NDP have asked Trudeau to do the same, he’s made it clear that just because a corporation has done everything in its power to avoid paying taxes to the Canadian government is no reason for the Canadian government not to use the taxes it dutifully collected from other Canadians to bailout these deadbeat corporate citizens.
“Not to mention the fact that it would be highly hypocritical of us to punish corporations for using legal tax loopholes when, as we demonstrated through our response to the Panama Papers, we don’t even punish corporations for using illegal tax loopholes,” Trudeau explained.
At press time, the Canadian government had agreed to requests from several companies to deliver their bailout funds in the form of a small velvet bag of uncut diamonds left in a bus station locker in Luxembourg.


thebeaverton--2020-04-25--Health workers agree being called a hero more effective than personal protective equipment

TORONTO – As COVID-19 continues to spread around the world , many hospitals are experiencing severe shortages of personal protective equipment needed to shield health care workers from the virus .
Luckily , doctors and nurses have unanimously agreed that being called “ heroes ” by politicians and world leaders has turned out to be extremely effective at protecting them from the devastating effects of the novel coronavirus .
Tamara Brown , a nurse at Mount Sinai Hospital , expressed her gratitude for the life-saving moniker .
“ When the provincial government couldn ’ t supply us with a sufficient @ @ @ @ @ @ @ start making our PPE out of discarded garbage bags found behind the hospital , we were terrified for the safety of ourselves and our patients , ” she explained , knitting a pair of protective gloves out of dental floss she had found on the hospital floor .
“ But then I saw Trudeau on the news calling us heroes , and realized that everyone was going to survive.
” With hospitals struggling to ration masks , Darren Robbins , a doctor at Toronto General Hospital , explained that he and his colleagues @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thoughts and prayers .
“ Who needs life-saving ventilators and gowns when you have words of empty praise from people who have never set foot in a hospital ?
” Robbins enthused , shortly after testing positive for coronavirus due to his continual habit of putting others ’ lives before his own .
“ Being set up for martyrdom totally cancels out the fact that we recently had to start a GoFundMe campaign to ask for homemade masks from civilians already struggling with financial ruin.
” “ Thousands of people may die unnecessarily @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me as among the ranks of Batman really makes it all worth it.
” At press time , health care workers were acknowledging that at least they didn ’ t live in a country where their president was recommending that they cure the virus with whatever was under their kitchen sinks .

TORONTO – As COVID-19 continues to spread around the world, many hospitals are experiencing severe shortages of personal protective equipment needed to shield health care workers from the virus. Luckily, doctors and nurses have unanimously agreed that being called “heroes” by politicians and world leaders has turned out to be extremely effective at protecting them from the devastating effects of the novel coronavirus.
Tamara Brown, a nurse at Mount Sinai Hospital, expressed her gratitude for the life-saving moniker.
“When the provincial government couldn’t supply us with a sufficient number of masks and we had to start making our PPE out of discarded garbage bags found behind the hospital, we were terrified for the safety of ourselves and our patients,” she explained, knitting a pair of protective gloves out of dental floss she had found on the hospital floor. “But then I saw Trudeau on the news calling us heroes, and realized that everyone was going to survive.”
With hospitals struggling to ration masks, Darren Robbins, a doctor at Toronto General Hospital, explained that he and his colleagues have simply replaced masks with politicians’ thoughts and prayers.
“Who needs life-saving ventilators and gowns when you have words of empty praise from people who have never set foot in a hospital?” Robbins enthused, shortly after testing positive for coronavirus due to his continual habit of putting others’ lives before his own. “Being set up for martyrdom totally cancels out the fact that we recently had to start a GoFundMe campaign to ask for homemade masks from civilians already struggling with financial ruin.”
“Thousands of people may die unnecessarily, but knowing that my MP regards me as among the ranks of Batman really makes it all worth it.”
At press time, health care workers were acknowledging that at least they didn’t live in a country where their president was recommending that they cure the virus with whatever was under their kitchen sinks.


thebeaverton--2020-04-25--Trump pretty sure Tide Pod Challenge will cure COVID-19

WASHINGTON , D.C. – After claiming that UV light and injecting disinfectant might cure the novel coronavirus , President Donald Trump took time from another press conference to speculate that the Tide Pod Challenge , where teens consume laundry detergent and then post the video online , was probably also a cure that the Centre for Disease Control should investigate .
“ Think about it , who are most likely to die ?
Old people .
And what ’ s the opposite of old people ?
Teens .
And what do teens like to do ?
The Tide Pod Challenge @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stops coronavirus , ” said Trump in response to a question about the stimulus bill for small business .
“ Frankly those pods look delicious , with all the bright colours .
If I did my own laundry I ’ m sure I ’ d eat one , ” added Trump .
This is just one of many possible coronavirus cures that Trump has recently advocated , including spinning until you get really dizzy , unfiltered cigarettes , and sucking on a penny for an hour .
At one point Trump also stared @ @ @ @ @ @ @ camera and screamed that America ’ s economy was weak because pregnant women weren ’ t eating raw tuna , then demanded that they all consume “ at least three pounds a day ” .
“ Much like untested use of malaria medication , eating laundry detergents will not keep you safe from this virus , ” said a visibly exhausted Dr. Anothony Fauci .
“ But what do I know ?
I ’ m only a medical doctor with decades of experience as the director of the National Institute of Allergy and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Jared Kushner has been rushed to hospital after being placed in charge of the Tide Pod Cure taskforce and self administering a human trial .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After claiming that UV light and injecting disinfectant might cure the novel coronavirus, President Donald Trump took time from another press conference to speculate that the Tide Pod Challenge, where teens consume laundry detergent and then post the video online, was probably also a cure that the Centre for Disease Control should investigate.
“Think about it, who are most likely to die? Old people. And what’s the opposite of old people? Teens. And what do teens like to do? The Tide Pod Challenge. So ipso facto Tide Pod Challenge stops coronavirus,” said Trump in response to a question about the stimulus bill for small business.
“Frankly those pods look delicious, with all the bright colours. If I did my own laundry I’m sure I’d eat one,” added Trump.
This is just one of many possible coronavirus cures that Trump has recently advocated, including spinning until you get really dizzy, unfiltered cigarettes, and sucking on a penny for an hour. At one point Trump also stared right down the barrel of a news camera and screamed that America’s economy was weak because pregnant women weren’t eating raw tuna, then demanded that they all consume “at least three pounds a day”.
“Much like untested use of malaria medication, eating laundry detergents will not keep you safe from this virus,” said a visibly exhausted Dr. Anothony Fauci. “But what do I know? I’m only a medical doctor with decades of experience as the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases.”
At press time, Jared Kushner has been rushed to hospital after being placed in charge of the Tide Pod Cure taskforce and self administering a human trial.


thebeaverton--2020-04-27--Doug Ford rattles bars on cell as imposter continues to competently manage COVID-19 pandemic

TORONTO – An increasingly enraged Premier Doug Ford has taken to shaking the bars on his cage as he is forced to watch an imposter competently manage Ontario ’ s COVID-19 pandemic response .
“ NOOOOO !
Let me out of here !
” screamed Ford as the tv in the guard ’ s room showed his doppelgänger unveiling an entirely reasonable plan for re-opening the province .
“ He should be sending everyone back to work immediately and calling medical professionals dickheads .
That ’ s the Doug Ford way !
” “ He isn ’ t even trying @ @ @ @ @ @ @ virus in a special socialism lab , ” he said before one guard wrapped his knuckles with a stick to get him to back away .
No one knows exactly when the replacement was subbed in , although most believe it was around when the real Doug Ford told everyone to go on spring break even as the virus was clearly a huge threat .
Everyone does agree that it was Christine Elliott who suggested that Ford be forced to wear an iron mask at all times so his captors would not know @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m the real Doug Ford !
Listen to this : ‘ folks.
’ Come on no one says it like I do !
” Ford yelled in vain once more .
Unfortunately the ‘ swap him out ’ strategy hasn ’ t worked for all provinces , as it turns out that Jason Kenney ’ s identical twin Mason Kenney is even more conservative and incompetent than he is .

TORONTO – An increasingly enraged Premier Doug Ford has taken to shaking the bars on his cage as he is forced to watch an imposter competently manage Ontario’s COVID-19 pandemic response.
“NOOOOO! Let me out of here!” screamed Ford as the tv in the guard’s room showed his doppelgänger unveiling an entirely reasonable plan for re-opening the province. “He should be sending everyone back to work immediately and calling medical professionals dickheads. That’s the Doug Ford way!”
“He isn’t even trying to claim that the NDP created the virus in a special socialism lab,” he said before one guard wrapped his knuckles with a stick to get him to back away.
No one knows exactly when the replacement was subbed in, although most believe it was around when the real Doug Ford told everyone to go on spring break even as the virus was clearly a huge threat. Everyone does agree that it was Christine Elliott who suggested that Ford be forced to wear an iron mask at all times so his captors would not know who they were guarding.
“I’m the real Doug Ford! Listen to this: ‘folks.’ Come on no one says it like I do!” Ford yelled in vain once more.
Unfortunately the ‘swap him out’ strategy hasn’t worked for all provinces, as it turns out that Jason Kenney’s identical twin Mason Kenney is even more conservative and incompetent than he is.


thebeaverton--2020-04-27--“It’s five o’clock somewhere,” chants self-isolating woman three times into mirror to summon wine de

“It’s five o’clock somewhere,” chants self-isolating woman three times into mirror to summon wine delivery

TORONTO – As lockdown-induced boredom sets in across Canada , many people are turning to alcohol to liven up their socially-isolated lives .
When faced with long LCBO lines and expensive delivery fees , a few brave souls discovered that when they chant “ It ’ s five o ’ clock somewhere ” into a mirror three times in a row , wine will immediately be delivered to their houses .
Mandy Swinton , 32 , said that she heard about the ritual from a friend of a friend .
“ Rumour has it she tried the chant just before @ @ @ @ @ @ @ explained in a low voice , peering ominously over a blood-red glass of Cabernet Sauvignon .
“ She was out of booze , so she went into the bathroom , turned off the lights , and said the phrase three times in a row.
” “ Then , there was the sound of clinking glasses , a creepy voice whispered ‘ Cheers , bitch !
’ and when she turned the lights back on there was a bottle of Niagara Riesling lying in the sink.
” Taylor Meecham , a representative from local @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the otherworldly enterprise was quickly putting him out of business .
“ Look , we work hard to get wine to our customers as quickly as possible , but we can ’ t just summon it to their bathrooms , ” he fumed , after another cancelled order came in just after the stroke of midnight .
“ Not only is that creepy , but it also sounds super illegal .
Is that demonic entity even Smart Serve certified ?
” When asked if she were afraid of the potential consequences of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to get drunk without leaving the house far outweighed any supernatural risks she might incur .
“ Despite all my friends warning me not to , I tried it , and got a giant box of red .
Honestly , even if it is cursed , it ’ s worth it to not have to stand in line with strangers who don ’ t understand what ‘ six feet apart ’ means.
” “ And hey , if Bloody Mary shows up to kill me , she ’ s welcome to join me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ probably more her kind of thing.
” At press time , Swinton had just watched a mysterious videotape that allegedly guaranteed amazing quarantine abs in only seven days

TORONTO – As lockdown-induced boredom sets in across Canada, many people are turning to alcohol to liven up their socially-isolated lives. When faced with long LCBO lines and expensive delivery fees, a few brave souls discovered that when they chant “It’s five o’clock somewhere” into a mirror three times in a row, wine will immediately be delivered to their houses.
Mandy Swinton, 32, said that she heard about the ritual from a friend of a friend.
“Rumour has it she tried the chant just before a Jackbox game night,” Swinton explained in a low voice, peering ominously over a blood-red glass of Cabernet Sauvignon. “She was out of booze, so she went into the bathroom, turned off the lights, and said the phrase three times in a row.”
“Then, there was the sound of clinking glasses, a creepy voice whispered ‘Cheers, bitch!’ and when she turned the lights back on there was a bottle of Niagara Riesling lying in the sink.”
Taylor Meecham, a representative from local wine delivery service Wine-2-Go, argued that the otherworldly enterprise was quickly putting him out of business.
“Look, we work hard to get wine to our customers as quickly as possible, but we can’t just summon it to their bathrooms,” he fumed, after another cancelled order came in just after the stroke of midnight. “Not only is that creepy, but it also sounds super illegal. Is that demonic entity even Smart Serve certified?”
When asked if she were afraid of the potential consequences of the ritual, Swinton explained that being able to get drunk without leaving the house far outweighed any supernatural risks she might incur.
“Despite all my friends warning me not to, I tried it, and got a giant box of red. Honestly, even if it is cursed, it’s worth it to not have to stand in line with strangers who don’t understand what ‘six feet apart’ means.”
“And hey, if Bloody Mary shows up to kill me, she’s welcome to join me for a glass- although a Caesar is probably more her kind of thing.”
At press time, Swinton had just watched a mysterious videotape that allegedly guaranteed amazing quarantine abs in only seven days


thebeaverton--2020-04-27--North Korean officials claim Kim Jong-un not dead, just messy bitch who loves drama

Pyongyang , North Korea – Kim Jong-un ’ s disappearance from the public eye has raised eyebrows about the North Korean leader ’ s health , even going so far as to assume he is dead .
However , a source from inside Pyongyang stated that he ’ s not dead , he ’ s just a messy bitch that loves drama .
“ He ’ s loving this , ” stated the source who wishes to remain anonymous for obvious reasons , “ he keeps refreshing the homepage on different news websites and being like ‘ lmaoooo they legit @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is the funniest shit since the season finale of RHONY.
’ he just lives for this kind of large scale attention ” According to recent satellite reports from South Korea , there have been no unusual signs to indicate that the dictator is experiencing health problems or that he has died .
Rumours started to spread after the leader did not attend the April 15th celebration of his Grandfather , Kim Il Sung ’ s , 108th birthday .
Details from our anonymous source suggest that this was all part of his plan @ @ @ @ @ @ @ things have been , “ soOoOoo boring since Corona started.
” The source revealed that Kim Jong Un plans to continue faking his death until Xi Jinping ’ s birthday where he ’ ll make his dramatic return to the spotlight .
The source went on to say , “ he wants to see if anyone in the Communist Party of China is a ‘ backstabbing shank.
’ He ’ s extremely petty.
” “ I mean you know him , ” the source stated , “ he just loves to be a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Obviously they are very real but he mostly does them to make a spectacle of himself.
” The source noted that when Kim Jong Un caught wind that some news outlets were reporting his replacement could be female he laughed so hard he actually did have to be hospitalized for extreme shortness of breath .

Pyongyang, North Korea – Kim Jong-un’s disappearance from the public eye has raised eyebrows about the North Korean leader’s health, even going so far as to assume he is dead. However, a source from inside Pyongyang stated that he’s not dead, he’s just a messy bitch that loves drama.
“He’s loving this,” stated the source who wishes to remain anonymous for obvious reasons, “he keeps refreshing the homepage on different news websites and being like ‘lmaoooo they legit think I’m dead – this is the funniest shit since the season finale of RHONY.’ he just lives for this kind of large scale attention”
According to recent satellite reports from South Korea, there have been no unusual signs to indicate that the dictator is experiencing health problems or that he has died. Rumours started to spread after the leader did not attend the April 15th celebration of his Grandfather, Kim Il Sung’s, 108th birthday. Details from our anonymous source suggest that this was all part of his plan to stir up a little drama because things have been, “soOoOoo boring since Corona started.”
The source revealed that Kim Jong Un plans to continue faking his death until Xi Jinping’s birthday where he’ll make his dramatic return to the spotlight. The source went on to say, “he wants to see if anyone in the Communist Party of China is a ‘backstabbing shank.’ He’s extremely petty.”
“I mean you know him,” the source stated, “he just loves to be a diva. All those nuclear threats? Obviously they are very real but he mostly does them to make a spectacle of himself.”
The source noted that when Kim Jong Un caught wind that some news outlets were reporting his replacement could be female he laughed so hard he actually did have to be hospitalized for extreme shortness of breath.


thebeaverton--2020-04-27--Saskatchewan, New Brunswick loosen restrictions after being declared non-essential provinces

REGINA/FREDERICTON – The Premiers of Saskatchewan and New Brunswick have announced they will be the first provinces to loosen lockdown restrictions after declaring their provinces as non-essential .
Provincial leaders Scott Moe and Blaine Higgs admitted that their fight to be taken seriously has been overshadowed by the global pandemic , but the silver lining to not being considered indispensable parts of Canada is that they can open up sooner than more important provinces .
“ Most of our provincial cases only last the five hours it takes to traverse the province on the Trans Canada Highway , ” explained @ @ @ @ @ @ @ People are so desperate to flee , we can ’ t even get the coronavirus to stay.
” “ Everyone knows that if they had to cut one of the Western provinces , it would probably be us or Manitoba , ” said Premier Moe .
“ We ’ re just taking advantage of that.
” Health authorities have endorsed the decision for the two provinces to relax physical distancing and mandatory business closures since they are not 100 % needed in the Canadian federation at this time .
“ We have some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but otherwise we ’ re pretty expendable , ” shrugged Saskatchewan ’ s Chief Medical Officer of Health Dr. Saqib Shahab .
“ Better we take the risk rather than endanger front-line provinces like Alberta , or hell , even the Northwest Territories.
” At press time , it was unclear whether either province had lifted their restrictions yet and returned to business as usual because how would you even be able to tell ?

REGINA/FREDERICTON – The Premiers of Saskatchewan and New Brunswick have announced they will be the first provinces to loosen lockdown restrictions after declaring their provinces as non-essential.
Provincial leaders Scott Moe and Blaine Higgs admitted that their fight to be taken seriously has been overshadowed by the global pandemic, but the silver lining to not being considered indispensable parts of Canada is that they can open up sooner than more important provinces.
“Most of our provincial cases only last the five hours it takes to traverse the province on the Trans Canada Highway,” explained New Brunswick Premier Blaine Higgs. “People are so desperate to flee, we can’t even get the coronavirus to stay.”
“We’re no PEI, that’s for sure,” sighed Higgs.
“Everyone knows that if they had to cut one of the Western provinces, it would probably be us or Manitoba,” said Premier Moe. “We’re just taking advantage of that.”
Health authorities have endorsed the decision for the two provinces to relax physical distancing and mandatory business closures since they are not 100% needed in the Canadian federation at this time.
“We have some nice wheat fields and a CFL team, but otherwise we’re pretty expendable,” shrugged Saskatchewan’s Chief Medical Officer of Health Dr. Saqib Shahab. “Better we take the risk rather than endanger front-line provinces like Alberta, or hell, even the Northwest Territories.”
At press time, it was unclear whether either province had lifted their restrictions yet and returned to business as usual because how would you even be able to tell?


thebeaverton--2020-04-28--Delusional sports bar owner believes customers will order from his takeout menu

CALGARY – Completely misreading his clientele , the owner of Nutter ’ s Sports Bar and Grill believes there will be high demand for the unremarkable items on his takeout menu .
Brad Furst ’ s 17th Avenue bar is known for multiple flat screens , a premium selection of Coors and Coors Lite , the defeated expressions on their scantily clad wait staff , and the bare minimum of effort put into the “ Grill ” portion of the name .
Despite Nutter ’ s track record of paper thin , freezer-burnt “ hamburger ” patties and soggy sub-McCain @ @ @ @ @ @ @ social media that they were eager and ready to offer Covid-compliant takeout to all their loyal customers : “ Why go through all the bother of reheating frozen chicken wings when we can do it for you ?
” “ Sure , you loved coming to Nutters to watch the game , get drunk on cheap beer , and hang with your buddies .
But we know the thing you loved most of all is the food we deep fry hours before you arrive , ” said Furst .
“ Now you can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your own couch and so much colder than it should ever be served !
” Furst promised to make every Nutters order as close to the in-bar experience as possible .
“ We can ’ t deliver alcohol , but our watered down Coke is still working .
And every delivery includes one of our stained , sticky beer coasters and a bowl of picked-through nuts !
” Regular patron Brad Parker was going to place an order until he realized that he wasn ’ t so drunk that he didn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Frequent visitor and belligerent drunk Terry Knox was briefly eager to support Furst .
“ Not everyone can make Nachos , you know .
You have to take corn chips , melt some cheese , open a jar of salsa…oh wait that IS easy !
” Exactly one customer ended up calling in .
Janet Maine pronounced her experience absolutely authentic .
“ The Nutters Suicide Wingz were just as bland as I remember , and they even drew a heart on the receipt while charging me for jalapeno poppers I definitely did @ @ @ @

CALGARY – Completely misreading his clientele, the owner of Nutter’s Sports Bar and Grill believes there will be high demand for the unremarkable items on his takeout menu.
Brad Furst’s 17th Avenue bar is known for multiple flat screens, a premium selection of Coors and Coors Lite, the defeated expressions on their scantily clad wait staff, and the bare minimum of effort put into the “Grill” portion of the name.
Despite Nutter’s track record of paper thin, freezer-burnt “hamburger” patties and soggy sub-McCain level fries, Furst confidently boasted on social media that they were eager and ready to offer Covid-compliant takeout to all their loyal customers: “Why go through all the bother of reheating frozen chicken wings when we can do it for you?”
“Sure, you loved coming to Nutters to watch the game, get drunk on cheap beer, and hang with your buddies. But we know the thing you loved most of all is the food we deep fry hours before you arrive,” said Furst. “Now you can enjoy your favorites from the comfort of your own couch and so much colder than it should ever be served!”
Furst promised to make every Nutters order as close to the in-bar experience as possible. “We can’t deliver alcohol, but our watered down Coke is still working. And every delivery includes one of our stained, sticky beer coasters and a bowl of picked-through nuts!”
Regular patron Brad Parker was going to place an order until he realized that he wasn’t so drunk that he didn’t care what went into his mouth. Frequent visitor and belligerent drunk Terry Knox was briefly eager to support Furst. “Not everyone can make Nachos, you know. You have to take corn chips, melt some cheese, open a jar of salsa…oh wait that IS easy!”
Exactly one customer ended up calling in. Janet Maine pronounced her experience absolutely authentic. “The Nutters Suicide Wingz were just as bland as I remember, and they even drew a heart on the receipt while charging me for jalapeno poppers I definitely did not order.”


thebeaverton--2020-04-29--“Humans are the real problem,” posts man who is the real problem

WINDSOR – Bartender Steve Atkins posted a picture of swans swimming in the Venice canals on Facebook yesterday with the caption , “ The animals of the world are returning .
Humans are the real problem .
# covid19 # wearethevirus , ” despite having spent his entire life actively avoiding making lifestyle changes or political decisions that could help positively affect the environment .
“ Air and water pollution levels have gone way down since COVID-19 broke out , ” he insisted , casually peeling off his protective latex gloves and tossing them onto the sidewalk after a grocery @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
We need to do better.
” He paused to light up his tenth cigarette of the day .
“ Maybe this virus is Mother Nature ’ s way of letting us know that she needs us out of the way in order to reset herself .
Turns out sitting in our homes and play video games was the best form of environmentalism all along.
” Atkin ’ s partner Gillian Mayfield pointed out that despite Steve ’ s newfound insistence that he ’ s “ awoken to humanity ’ s harmful effects @ @ @ @ @ @ @ past he not only never bothered to learn how to recycle or vote , but took great pains in making fun of those who did .
“ This morning he showed me an obviously fake picture of drunk elephants in a garden , saying that the animals were free because we were all staying inside , ” she explained .
“ But he still drives his SUV everywhere , and just last week he was complaining that his summer flight to Thailand got cancelled.
” “ I ’ ve also been trying to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mask , but he says they ’ re too confusing.
” When pressed about his views on how the virus was helping everything balance itself out , Atkins remained resolute .
“ Look , I ’ m not saying that COVID-19 is the vaccine for our sins against the earth , ” he protested .
“ I obviously don ’ t want anyone to die .
I ’ m just saying that I saw a bird outside the other day .
A bird .
Would that have happened if the virus hadn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I don ’ t think so.
” At press time , Atkins had just kicked a pigeon for “ looking at him with its creepy flying rat eyes .
”

WINDSOR – Bartender Steve Atkins posted a picture of swans swimming in the Venice canals on Facebook yesterday with the caption, “The animals of the world are returning. Humans are the real problem. #covid19 #wearethevirus,” despite having spent his entire life actively avoiding making lifestyle changes or political decisions that could help positively affect the environment.
“Air and water pollution levels have gone way down since COVID-19 broke out,” he insisted, casually peeling off his protective latex gloves and tossing them onto the sidewalk after a grocery run. “Humanity is a plague. We need to do better.”
He paused to light up his tenth cigarette of the day. “Maybe this virus is Mother Nature’s way of letting us know that she needs us out of the way in order to reset herself. Turns out sitting in our homes and play video games was the best form of environmentalism all along.”
Atkin’s partner Gillian Mayfield pointed out that despite Steve’s newfound insistence that he’s “awoken to humanity’s harmful effects on the planet,” in the past he not only never bothered to learn how to recycle or vote, but took great pains in making fun of those who did.
“This morning he showed me an obviously fake picture of drunk elephants in a garden, saying that the animals were free because we were all staying inside,” she explained. “But he still drives his SUV everywhere, and just last week he was complaining that his summer flight to Thailand got cancelled.”
“I’ve also been trying to get him to wear a reusable face mask, but he says they’re too confusing.”
When pressed about his views on how the virus was helping everything balance itself out, Atkins remained resolute.
“Look, I’m not saying that COVID-19 is the vaccine for our sins against the earth,” he protested. “I obviously don’t want anyone to die. I’m just saying that I saw a bird outside the other day. A bird. Would that have happened if the virus hadn’t killed a few thousand people? I don’t think so.”
At press time, Atkins had just kicked a pigeon for “looking at him with its creepy flying rat eyes.”


thebeaverton--2020-04-29--“I think…sorry…I think that…what? No you go ahead,” says man during zoom meeting

Timmins , ON – Local man Frank Butler is finding it difficult to jump in during his work ’ s weekly zoom check in meeting , prompting him to repeatedly start talking and then stop when he realizes someone else is also talking .
“ Sales are down…what was that Jen ?
…No ?
Ok sales are down…go ahead Jen…I ’ m just trying to say…wait is Brian talking now too ?
!
” “ This isn ’ t gon na work if we all keep talking over each other .
I said this isn ’ t gon na work @ @ @ @ @ @ @ other !
I SAID THIS ISN ’ T GON NA WORK IF WE ALL KEEP TALKING OVER EACH OTHER !
!
!
!
” As the covid-19 pandemic has forced many business to operate remotely , work zoom calls have become a reliable , incredibly unsecure way , for employees to meet and discuss operations .
The system has also proven to be great at driving employees insane as they constantly search for a single opening to get their point across .
But Butler is determined to struggle on .
“ The thing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ see you ’ re trying to talk over me but your mic is on mute.
” At press time Butler had finally found his opening and had been talking free and clear for a full 2 minutes before he realized zoom had frozen and no one could hear him .

Timmins, ON – Local man Frank Butler is finding it difficult to jump in during his work’s weekly zoom check in meeting, prompting him to repeatedly start talking and then stop when he realizes someone else is also talking.
“Sales are down…what was that Jen?…No? Ok sales are down…go ahead Jen…I’m just trying to say…wait is Brian talking now too?!”
“This isn’t gonna work if we all keep talking over each other. I said this isn’t gonna work if we all keep talking over each other! I SAID THIS ISN’T GONNA WORK IF WE ALL KEEP TALKING OVER EACH OTHER!!!!”
As the covid-19 pandemic has forced many business to operate remotely, work zoom calls have become a reliable, incredibly unsecure way, for employees to meet and discuss operations. The system has also proven to be great at driving employees insane as they constantly search for a single opening to get their point across. But Butler is determined to struggle on.
“The thing about online delivery is… Sam I can see you’re trying to talk over me but your mic is on mute.”
At press time Butler had finally found his opening and had been talking free and clear for a full 2 minutes before he realized zoom had frozen and no one could hear him.


thebeaverton--2020-04-29--Local couple announces the birth of a new puzzle, another on the way

SARNIA , ON – Local couple Carla and Joseph Hangar took to social media this week to welcome a new addition to their family – a completed puzzle of a pastoral landscape – and added that another puzzle is forthcoming .
The couple , who have been working steadily on the puzzle for weeks , posted several pictures and a video of their new family member on its dedicated Instagram account .
“ It was a difficult birth , ” said Joseph Hangar in the video , gently stroking the Ravensberg 1,000 piece .
“ There were times when we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the colours of the sky and the lake .
I spent an hour alone just looking for a piece we call a “ Willy Wonka , ” because the shape is weird and looks a bit like an everlasting gobstopper.
” Carla Hangar echoed Joseph ’ s sentiments , mentioning a dark period where they considered hiring a surrogate puzzle-doer after becoming convinced a couple pieces were missing .
“ But no , they were all there , ” said Carla .
“ Down to the last longboy , which is what we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ little bit like a dude with big pants.
” Carla ’ s parents and friends were quick to congratulate the couple on their good news .
“ They ’ ve been trying for a puzzle for awhile now , and I ’ m so happy to welcome it into our family , ” said Carla ’ s mother .
“ They talked for so long about making a puzzle together , but it never seemed like the right time , ” added Joseph ’ s father .
“ I know that my wife @ @ @ @ @ @ @ secure place financially for our first , but I just said to them , ‘ there ’ s never a right time for a puzzle .
You make it right.
’ ” The couple added a surprise announcement that they are currently working on a new puzzle , a 2,000 piece Buffalo brand snap-and-click of a lakefront cottage , complete with two Muskoka chairs in the foreground .
“ Yes , typically you wait until the border is done before announcing , ” sighed Joseph , “ But we ’ re so excited @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that in nine months , we ’ ll be having another beautiful puzzle.
” In terms of their next , Carla says the couple has decided not to look at the picture on the box to keep it a surprise .
“ We ’ re just going to leave it a mystery and have a big puzzle reveal party when it ’ s done , ” said Carla .
We ask that instead of presents , just tell us that we ’ re interesting people .

SARNIA, ON – Local couple Carla and Joseph Hangar took to social media this week to welcome a new addition to their family – a completed puzzle of a pastoral landscape – and added that another puzzle is forthcoming.
The couple, who have been working steadily on the puzzle for weeks, posted several pictures and a video of their new family member on its dedicated Instagram account.
“It was a difficult birth,” said Joseph Hangar in the video, gently stroking the Ravensberg 1,000 piece. “There were times when we couldn’t tell the difference between the colours of the sky and the lake. I spent an hour alone just looking for a piece we call a “Willy Wonka,” because the shape is weird and looks a bit like an everlasting gobstopper.”
Carla Hangar echoed Joseph’s sentiments, mentioning a dark period where they considered hiring a surrogate puzzle-doer after becoming convinced a couple pieces were missing. “But no, they were all there,” said Carla. “Down to the last longboy, which is what we call those joinky pieces that look a little bit like a dude with big pants.”
Carla’s parents and friends were quick to congratulate the couple on their good news. “They’ve been trying for a puzzle for awhile now, and I’m so happy to welcome it into our family,” said Carla’s mother.
“They talked for so long about making a puzzle together, but it never seemed like the right time,” added Joseph’s father. “I know that my wife and I were in a much more secure place financially for our first, but I just said to them, ‘there’s never a right time for a puzzle. You make it right.’”
The couple added a surprise announcement that they are currently working on a new puzzle, a 2,000 piece Buffalo brand snap-and-click of a lakefront cottage, complete with two Muskoka chairs in the foreground.
“Yes, typically you wait until the border is done before announcing,” sighed Joseph, “But we’re so excited we couldn’t wait to share that in nine months, we’ll be having another beautiful puzzle.”
In terms of their next, Carla says the couple has decided not to look at the picture on the box to keep it a surprise. “We’re just going to leave it a mystery and have a big puzzle reveal party when it’s done,” said Carla. We ask that instead of presents, just tell us that we’re interesting people.


thebeaverton--2020-04-30--Great news! Upstairs neighbor finally has time to work on their vocal exercises

While we ’ re all overwhelmed by the dreary news of a global pandemic , upstairs Vancouver neighbour Elizabeth Caza is turning Covid into “ Goal-Vid !
” by practicing her vocal exercises for hours !
Elizabeth used to be too busy in her day job to spend time working on her full-volume , extremely repetitive operatic scales .
But now she can , thanks to the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic , and a state of emergency urging all citizens to self-isolate from home .
Sweet !
This formerly meek and mild analyst has found her authentic voice and it ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s filling her time , and her Kitsilano apartment , with 3-octave vocal slides , tongue trills and her personal favourite , “ mah may mee mo muuuuu !
” After thrilling everyone in a three-block radius with a demonstration of her lip buzz technique , Elizabeth told The Beaverton , “ I ’ d all but given up my dreams of singing scat-jazz !
Now , with the help of a never-ending order to shelter in place , I can tap plosives all day long !
BRRRRRRRRRRR !
BREEEEEEEEEEE !
!
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ her equally isolated downstairs neighbours , courtesy of the building ’ s flimsy insulation !
A few unlucky residents , considered “ essential work ” , couldn ’ t be there during the day , but Elizabeth has their back !
Inspired by her jazz heroes she ’ s doing her best and loudest work between 1 and 3 in the morning !
It ’ s like a smokey jazz club right above their heads !
Elizabeth owes it all to her vocal coach , Beckford Quine , pioneer of the ‘ explosive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s got such a powerful diaphragm , ” Quine tells us , “ and these techniques will only increase her volume and stamina !
I ’ d like to see Bose noise-cancelling headphones block HER arpeggios out !
” Quine has already set an ambitious schedule of 2 hours on , 30-minutes off , over 8 hours a day , and Elizabeth is PUMPED !
“ Beckford tells me I ’ m ready to kick it up several decibels by practicing my portamento over a full-volume recording of 170 jackhammers !
I can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s even started working on her own song , repeating one single phrase over and over and over and over again until she has it just right !
And with her roommate , Kate ‘ Boomer ’ Wells , joining in , there ’ s no escaping the joy !
Uh-oh !
It looks like Elizabeth ’ s “ singing ” is almost as contagious as the virus that prevents neighbours from even knocking on her door !
Next-door neighbour Murray Evenson just pulled his drums out of storage and plans to play @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to hear that awesome combo ’ s debut single…but only once they ’ ve workshopped it month after endless month , however long we ’ re all trapped !
SUPER !

While we’re all overwhelmed by the dreary news of a global pandemic, upstairs Vancouver neighbour Elizabeth Caza is turning Covid into “Goal-Vid!” by practicing her vocal exercises for hours!
Elizabeth used to be too busy in her day job to spend time working on her full-volume, extremely repetitive operatic scales. But now she can, thanks to the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic, and a state of emergency urging all citizens to self-isolate from home. Sweet!
This formerly meek and mild analyst has found her authentic voice and it’s JAZZY! And RUSTY! She’s filling her time, and her Kitsilano apartment, with 3-octave vocal slides, tongue trills and her personal favourite, “mah may mee mo muuuuu!”
After thrilling everyone in a three-block radius with a demonstration of her lip buzz technique, Elizabeth told The Beaverton, “I’d all but given up my dreams of singing scat-jazz! Now, with the help of a never-ending order to shelter in place, I can tap plosives all day long! BRRRRRRRRRRR! BREEEEEEEEEEE!!!”
Nobody’s happier than her equally isolated downstairs neighbours, courtesy of the building’s flimsy insulation! A few unlucky residents, considered “essential work”, couldn’t be there during the day, but Elizabeth has their back! Inspired by her jazz heroes she’s doing her best and loudest work between 1 and 3 in the morning! It’s like a smokey jazz club right above their heads!
Elizabeth owes it all to her vocal coach, Beckford Quine, pioneer of the ‘explosive glottal grunt’. “She’s got such a powerful diaphragm,” Quine tells us, “and these techniques will only increase her volume and stamina! I’d like to see Bose noise-cancelling headphones block HER arpeggios out!”
Quine has already set an ambitious schedule of 2 hours on, 30-minutes off, over 8 hours a day, and Elizabeth is PUMPED! “Beckford tells me I’m ready to kick it up several decibels by practicing my portamento over a full-volume recording of 170 jackhammers! I can’t wait!”
She’s even started working on her own song, repeating one single phrase over and over and over and over again until she has it just right! And with her roommate, Kate ‘Boomer’ Wells, joining in, there’s no escaping the joy!
Uh-oh! It looks like Elizabeth’s “singing” is almost as contagious as the virus that prevents neighbours from even knocking on her door! Next-door neighbour Murray Evenson just pulled his drums out of storage and plans to play along! We can’t wait to hear that awesome combo’s debut single…but only once they’ve workshopped it month after endless month, however long we’re all trapped! SUPER!


thebeaverton--2020-04-30--Alberta insists oil workers essential, essential-oil workers not essential

EDMONTON – The government of Alberta reiterated today that the province considers workers in the oil industry to be essential while workers in the essential-oil industry are considered non-essential .
“ There ’ s been some confusion , but it ’ s very simple , ” Premier Jason Kenney said in a press conference today to clarify the provincial government ’ s position .
“ Essential oil workers are to continue working during the pandemic , essential-oil workers are not .
Questions ?
No ?
Okay .
This press conference is over.
” Essential-oil workers don ’ t understand why @ @ @ @ @ @ @ same consideration as the oil sands industry , despite the fact that one vial ( 10 ml ) of birch essential-oil produced in Alberta is currently selling for more than twice the price of one barrel ( 150000 ml ) of Alberta oil sands oil .
“ I don ’ t see why I ’ m not considered essential when the prices of my products haven ’ t once dipped below zero dollars a barrel , ” said essential-oil producer Lucy Palmer .
“ Not to mention the fact that demand for non-essential-oil @ @ @ @ @ @ @ demand for essential-oil is going up as people need the stress relief , and , let ’ s face it , olfactory relief they provide after weeks of being stuck in their homes.
” Alberta ’ s essential-oil industry was further dismayed when the Alberta government began encouraging essential-oil consumers to switch to using bitumen in their diffusers to help the province sell off some its growing backlog .

EDMONTON – The government of Alberta reiterated today that the province considers workers in the oil industry to be essential while workers in the essential-oil industry are considered non-essential.
“There’s been some confusion, but it’s very simple,” Premier Jason Kenney said in a press conference today to clarify the provincial government’s position. “Essential oil workers are to continue working during the pandemic, essential-oil workers are not. Questions? No? Okay. This press conference is over.”
Essential-oil workers don’t understand why their industry isn’t getting the same consideration as the oil sands industry, despite the fact that one vial (10 ml) of birch essential-oil produced in Alberta is currently selling for more than twice the price of one barrel (150000 ml) of Alberta oil sands oil.
“I don’t see why I’m not considered essential when the prices of my products haven’t once dipped below zero dollars a barrel,” said essential-oil producer Lucy Palmer. “Not to mention the fact that demand for non-essential-oil is at an all time low while demand for essential-oil is going up as people need the stress relief, and, let’s face it, olfactory relief they provide after weeks of being stuck in their homes.”
Alberta’s essential-oil industry was further dismayed when the Alberta government began encouraging essential-oil consumers to switch to using bitumen in their diffusers to help the province sell off some its growing backlog.


thebeaverton--2020-04-30--No one in Zoom Parliament going to tell Andrew Scheer that he is on mute

OTTAWA – As Canadian MPs participated in the second ever zoom parliament , all of them had silently agreed not to tell Leader of the Opposition Andrew Scheer that he has left his mute on and no one can hear what he is saying .
“ We assumed the Conservatives would tell him , ” said Liberal MP Seamus O ’ Reagan .
“ But Dean Allison kept mouthing ‘ shh ’ and shaking his head at everyone else.
” “ Honestly , it ’ s just easier this way , ” said Conservative MP Candice Bergen as a completely @ @ @ @ @ @ @ down and used his hands to underscore a point that no one could hear .
“ At least now we won ’ t have to apologize for whatever it is he thinks he ’ s saying.
” “ I ’ m pretty sure he just mouthed the words ‘ Derek Sloan was right ’ ” she added .
At one point during his pantomime 5 minute speech Scheer angrily pointed at what he thought was Justin Trudeau , unaware that on Zoom everyone ’ s grid screens are different so he was just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and a few parliamentary pages .
He then started motioning for one of his young kids to pretend to wander into the shot for an “ impromptu ” viral moment , but even with the sound off it was clear they refused .
“ I suppose I should step in and tell Mr. Scheer that he is muted .
But on the other hand I really don ’ t want to hear his whiny voice talk about carbon taxes or some other bullshit right now , ” said speaker of the House Anthony @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sat back in satisfaction , confident that it was the single greatest speech he had ever delivered .
Scheer then forgot he was still on camera and stood up to go to the bathroom , revealing that he was not wearing any pants .

OTTAWA – As Canadian MPs participated in the second ever zoom parliament, all of them had silently agreed not to tell Leader of the Opposition Andrew Scheer that he has left his mute on and no one can hear what he is saying.
“We assumed the Conservatives would tell him,” said Liberal MP Seamus O’Reagan. “But Dean Allison kept mouthing ‘shh’ and shaking his head at everyone else.”
“Honestly, it’s just easier this way,” said Conservative MP Candice Bergen as a completely silent Scheer moved his mouth up and down and used his hands to underscore a point that no one could hear. “At least now we won’t have to apologize for whatever it is he thinks he’s saying.”
“I’m pretty sure he just mouthed the words ‘Derek Sloan was right’” she added.
At one point during his pantomime 5 minute speech Scheer angrily pointed at what he thought was Justin Trudeau, unaware that on Zoom everyone’s grid screens are different so he was just pointing at a bunch of different MPs and a few parliamentary pages. He then started motioning for one of his young kids to pretend to wander into the shot for an “impromptu” viral moment, but even with the sound off it was clear they refused.
“I suppose I should step in and tell Mr. Scheer that he is muted. But on the other hand I really don’t want to hear his whiny voice talk about carbon taxes or some other bullshit right now,” said speaker of the House Anthony Rota.
Finally Scheer finished talking and sat back in satisfaction, confident that it was the single greatest speech he had ever delivered.
Scheer then forgot he was still on camera and stood up to go to the bathroom, revealing that he was not wearing any pants.


thebeaverton--2020-05-01--Peter MacKay promises never to use tragedies to prevent further tragedies

OTTAWA – Conservative Party leadership hopeful and native Nova Scotian Peter MacKay announced in a video on his Twitter feed today his disgust with the Trudeau government ’ s proposed ban on assault rifles , vowing that he would never use tragedies in a way that prevents future tragedies .
“ Justin Trudeau has chosen to take advantage of this violent shooting by selfishly attempting to prevent similar violent shootings , ” MacKay explained .
“ The timing of this action is crass .
Bringing in solutions to gun violence when we ’ ve just experienced gun violence is positively @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Nova Scotia in mid-April that claimed the lives of 22 Canadians , the Trudeau government announced today it would be banning 1,500 different varieties of assault weapons in what right-wing critics are branding a revoltingly ideological attempt to stop Canadians from dying horrible and preventable deaths .
“ Justin Trudeau is using this tragedy in Nova Scotia to advance his personal and ideological goals , ” MacKay proclaimed , “ when the real answer is any solution that doesn ’ t oppose Conservative ideology like , I dunno… let ’ s go with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ minister I can guarantee all Canadians that I would never take advantage of a tragedy like this to push through material and effective reforms , ” MacKay vowed .
MacKay then ended the video by slamming down a binder and declaring the appropriate amount of time had passed to finally sit down and resolve the October Crisis .

OTTAWA – Conservative Party leadership hopeful and native Nova Scotian Peter MacKay announced in a video on his Twitter feed today his disgust with the Trudeau government’s proposed ban on assault rifles, vowing that he would never use tragedies in a way that prevents future tragedies.
“Justin Trudeau has chosen to take advantage of this violent shooting by selfishly attempting to prevent similar violent shootings,” MacKay explained. “The timing of this action is crass. Bringing in solutions to gun violence when we’ve just experienced gun violence is positively indecent.”
After the deadly shooting in Nova Scotia in mid-April that claimed the lives of 22 Canadians, the Trudeau government announced today it would be banning 1,500 different varieties of assault weapons in what right-wing critics are branding a revoltingly ideological attempt to stop Canadians from dying horrible and preventable deaths.
“Justin Trudeau is using this tragedy in Nova Scotia to advance his personal and ideological goals,” MacKay proclaimed, “when the real answer is any solution that doesn’t oppose Conservative ideology like, I dunno… let’s go with tightening border security.”
“As prime minister I can guarantee all Canadians that I would never take advantage of a tragedy like this to push through material and effective reforms,” MacKay vowed.
MacKay then ended the video by slamming down a binder and declaring the appropriate amount of time had passed to finally sit down and resolve the October Crisis.


thebeaverton--2020-05-01--Report: Jessica acting like a real domestic slut ever since she got a Le Creuset Dutch Oven

RICHMOND HILL , ON – Upon acquiring a $ 500 Le Creuset brand dutch oven , sources are reporting that Jessica Sanghvi has been acting like a notoriously domesticated slut by spending the majority of her time cooking warm , hearty meals from scratch .
“ I always knew that my best friend Jess was a slut and I was okay with that .
I am okay with that .
I would never shame another person for their sexual proclivities , ” said an insider close to Sanghvi who wished to stay anonymous .
“ But I just wish she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to flaunting her new kitchenware all over social media.
” Sanghvi ’ s roommates have told reporters that she ’ s been braising various meats at all hours of the night .
They worry that the fast and loose world of deglazing fond off an enamelled pot may prove to be too much excitement for their friend .
“ Every day she ’ s been taking to Instagram to espouse cooking tips like she ’ s Julia fucking Child !
” weeped Sanghvi ’ s cousin .
“ Jessica used to be so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so entirely devoted to that Le Creuset dutch oven that I don ’ t think she ’ ll ever be able to make a loaf of bread without it.
” “ What ’ s worse… she opted to buy it in the colour ‘ Cherry Red.
’ I don ’ t even know who she is anymore.
” Inquiring minds have been quick to pose the question : “ Does she think she ’ s better than me ?
” However when Sanghvi was approached for comment , the young woman shrugged contently @ @ @ @ @ @ @ press time , it appeared that the ‘ housekeeping harlot ’ was a lost cause when sources spotted a $ 50 Aesop hand soap by her kitchen sink .

RICHMOND HILL, ON – Upon acquiring a $500 Le Creuset brand dutch oven, sources are reporting that Jessica Sanghvi has been acting like a notoriously domesticated slut by spending the majority of her time cooking warm, hearty meals from scratch.
“I always knew that my best friend Jess was a slut and I was okay with that. I am okay with that. I would never shame another person for their sexual proclivities,” said an insider close to Sanghvi who wished to stay anonymous. “But I just wish she would practice some modesty when it came to flaunting her new kitchenware all over social media.”
Sanghvi’s roommates have told reporters that she’s been braising various meats at all hours of the night. They worry that the fast and loose world of deglazing fond off an enamelled pot may prove to be too much excitement for their friend.
“Every day she’s been taking to Instagram to espouse cooking tips like she’s Julia fucking Child!” weeped Sanghvi’s cousin. “Jessica used to be so independent, but now she’s so entirely devoted to that Le Creuset dutch oven that I don’t think she’ll ever be able to make a loaf of bread without it.”
“What’s worse… she opted to buy it in the colour ‘Cherry Red.’ I don’t even know who she is anymore.”
Inquiring minds have been quick to pose the question: “Does she think she’s better than me?” However when Sanghvi was approached for comment, the young woman shrugged contently and resumed prepping her mirepoix.
At press time, it appeared that the ‘housekeeping harlot’ was a lost cause when sources spotted a $50 Aesop hand soap by her kitchen sink.


thebeaverton--2020-05-01--Canadian man furious that Liberals infringing on his second amendment rights

Grande Prairie , AB – In the wake of Justin Trudeau announcing that his government will ban most assault style weapons , local man Hank Cook is demanding to know why the government thinks it has the ability to infringe on his second amendment rights .
“ The second amendment to the Charter of Rights and Freedoms clearly states that the right to bear arms shall not be infringed upon , and has since our country was founded in 1776 , ” said Cook .
“ What ’ s next , are going to be forced to quarter British troops @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s like Trudeau never even read John A. MacDonald ’ s line in the Declaration of Independence about our creator endowing us with inalienable rights !
” he added .
Since the ban was announced numerous conservative voices have raised the alarm that such an action by the government would infringe on gun owner ’ s rights , which they ’ re pretty sure are protected in the constitution somewhere .
They ’ ve already announced plans to sue all the way to the Supreme Court , where they are confident @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a stop to the whole thing .
“ The government ’ s actions go completely against the most sacred principle of our constitution , expressed so elegantly in the very first words : Liberté , égalité , fraternité , ” said one opponent of the Ban .
“ I don ’ t understand why President Trump doesn ’ t step in and veto it , ” added another .
The Trudeau government is confident that the Ban is constitutional however .
Even if it does violate a section of the charter they believe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reasonable application of the Oakes test , which of course allows Canadian governments to limit constitutional rights as long as they do so for a pressing objective with minimal impairment to the right in question .
Plus they ’ ve checked and there is nothing in the Magna Carta that stops them from banning guns .

Grande Prairie, AB – In the wake of Justin Trudeau announcing that his government will ban most assault style weapons, local man Hank Cook is demanding to know why the government thinks it has the ability to infringe on his second amendment rights.
“The second amendment to the Charter of Rights and Freedoms clearly states that the right to bear arms shall not be infringed upon, and has since our country was founded in 1776,” said Cook. “What’s next, are going to be forced to quarter British troops in our homes?!”
“It’s like Trudeau never even read John A. MacDonald’s line in the Declaration of Independence about our creator endowing us with inalienable rights!” he added.
Since the ban was announced numerous conservative voices have raised the alarm that such an action by the government would infringe on gun owner’s rights, which they’re pretty sure are protected in the constitution somewhere. They’ve already announced plans to sue all the way to the Supreme Court, where they are confident that Justices Roberts and Kavanaugh will put a stop to the whole thing.
“The government’s actions go completely against the most sacred principle of our constitution, expressed so elegantly in the very first words: Liberté, égalité, fraternité,” said one opponent of the Ban.
“I don’t understand why President Trump doesn’t step in and veto it,” added another.
The Trudeau government is confident that the Ban is constitutional however. Even if it does violate a section of the charter they believe it will be held up under any reasonable application of the Oakes test, which of course allows Canadian governments to limit constitutional rights as long as they do so for a pressing objective with minimal impairment to the right in question. Plus they’ve checked and there is nothing in the Magna Carta that stops them from banning guns.


thebeaverton--2020-05-02--Snowbirds boost morale by scaring the shit out of everyone

FREDERICTON , NB – In an effort to improve national morale during the COVID-19 crisis , the Canadian Forces Snowbirds have embarked on a countrywide tour starting today in New Brunswick .
The famous Air Demonstration Squadron plans to fly over as many Canadian cities as possible in a show of support for front-line workers designed to freak them , and everybody else , out .
The mission , known officially as Operation What The Hell ?
, was an immediate success , startling thousands of onlookers in Fredericton and Saint John .
Lauren James , an accountant who ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the pandemic , recalls seeing a group of jets streak by overhead and immediately assuming the country was at war .
“ I ’ ve been suffering from some pretty serious panic attacks lately , so it was shocking to see the sky suddenly filled with flying warcraft , ” James said .
“ Maybe if it were accompanied by skywriting letting me know this was for entertainment purposes only ?
” The Snowbirds typically perform at air shows for audiences who are prepared for the appearance of aerial combat machines , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that the interests of the nation were best served during the current emergency by pulling the pilots out of their physical distancing and having them embark on a cross-country tour .
Hope remains high that the pilots will be able to avoid contracting the coronavirus during the tour through a combination of hand-washing , mask-wearing , and flyboy moxie .
“ If there ’ s one thing the Canadian public needs right now , it ’ s to have the bejesus scared out of them , ” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau explained when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ask themselves , Is it the Russians ?
Have international relations collapsed due to the worldwide catastrophe ?
Am I about to die in a reign of fire from above ?
and they will feel wonderful when they eventually realize the answer to those terrifying questions is no.
” If Operation What The Hell ?
goes smoothly , the Liberal government plans to follow it up by sending chainsaw-wielding stunt performers into the streets of COVID-19-stricken cities to chase down pedestrians .

FREDERICTON, NB – In an effort to improve national morale during the COVID-19 crisis, the Canadian Forces Snowbirds have embarked on a countrywide tour starting today in New Brunswick. The famous Air Demonstration Squadron plans to fly over as many Canadian cities as possible in a show of support for front-line workers designed to freak them, and everybody else, out.
The mission, known officially as Operation What The Hell?, was an immediate success, startling thousands of onlookers in Fredericton and Saint John. Lauren James, an accountant who’s been on edge for months because of the pandemic, recalls seeing a group of jets streak by overhead and immediately assuming the country was at war.
“I’ve been suffering from some pretty serious panic attacks lately, so it was shocking to see the sky suddenly filled with flying warcraft,” James said. “Maybe if it were accompanied by skywriting letting me know this was for entertainment purposes only?”
The Snowbirds typically perform at air shows for audiences who are prepared for the appearance of aerial combat machines, but the Department of National Defence decided that the interests of the nation were best served during the current emergency by pulling the pilots out of their physical distancing and having them embark on a cross-country tour. Hope remains high that the pilots will be able to avoid contracting the coronavirus during the tour through a combination of hand-washing, mask-wearing, and flyboy moxie.
“If there’s one thing the Canadian public needs right now, it’s to have the bejesus scared out of them,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau explained when announcing the operation. “People will ask themselves, Is it the Russians? Have international relations collapsed due to the worldwide catastrophe? Am I about to die in a reign of fire from above? and they will feel wonderful when they eventually realize the answer to those terrifying questions is no.”
If Operation What The Hell? goes smoothly, the Liberal government plans to follow it up by sending chainsaw-wielding stunt performers into the streets of COVID-19-stricken cities to chase down pedestrians.


thebeaverton--2020-05-02--Exhausted nurse can’t wait to come home to neighbourhood kids banging on pots and pans for five minu

Exhausted nurse can’t wait to come home to neighbourhood kids banging on pots and pans for five minutes straight

WINDSOR – Exhausted nurse Lucia Ramierez addressed reporters this morning to announce she simply can not wait to come home from her sixteen hour shift , rife with tragedy , to all the neighbourhood kids banging on pots and pans for five minutes straight .
“ Every workday is another day spent in hell ” said Ramierez between bites of a vending machine granola bar , the only thing she ’ s had time to eat all day , “ but it all feels worth it when I finally come home and get to hear little Caleb just absolutely go @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wooden spoon for five minutes straight with seemingly no rhyme or reason .
” The announcement comes after many communities across the globe have taken to showing support for frontline workers by gathering on porches and balconies at 7pm to make noise with whatever instruments they have at home .
“ It ’ s great .
It ’ s like Stomp but somehow worse ” insisted Ramierez , her hands visibly shaking from exhaustion as she applied her 60th pair of gloves , “ and some of them even have kazoos !
Isn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I never would have thought a kazoo solo could sustain itself for three whole minutes but last night little Timmy sure proved me wrong.
” According to Ramierez , the cacophonous display of support comes at the perfect time .
Stuck working night shifts , the abrasive sound of two garbage can lids clashing has consistently ensured she will be jolted awake three full hours before her alarm is set to go off , obliterating any chance at achieving a peaceful night ’ s sleep .
Though Ramierez may be sleep deprived and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nightly concerts have helped build a necessary sense of community .
“ Before all this , I never knew I lived on the same street as so many budding musicians ” noted Ramierez as she jogged down the hallway to greet the latest code red patient “ Who knew it would take a pandemic and the single most stressful month of my life for the entire neighbourhood to form some kind of collective Noise Band .
You should hear the way little Maggie across the street rip a baking sheet solo .
She @ @ @ @ @ @ @ At press time , Ramierez was spotted downing a Red Bull , her eyes visibly bloodshot , as she muttered something about “ vuvuzelas .
”

WINDSOR – Exhausted nurse Lucia Ramierez addressed reporters this morning to announce she simply cannot wait to come home from her sixteen hour shift, rife with tragedy, to all the neighbourhood kids banging on pots and pans for five minutes straight.
“Every workday is another day spent in hell” said Ramierez between bites of a vending machine granola bar, the only thing she’s had time to eat all day, “but it all feels worth it when I finally come home and get to hear little Caleb just absolutely go to town whacking a colander with a wooden spoon for five minutes straight with seemingly no rhyme or reason .”
The announcement comes after many communities across the globe have taken to showing support for frontline workers by gathering on porches and balconies at 7pm to make noise with whatever instruments they have at home.
“It’s great. It’s like Stomp but somehow worse” insisted Ramierez, her hands visibly shaking from exhaustion as she applied her 60th pair of gloves, “and some of them even have kazoos! Isn’t that great? Kazoos! I never would have thought a kazoo solo could sustain itself for three whole minutes but last night little Timmy sure proved me wrong.”
According to Ramierez, the cacophonous display of support comes at the perfect time. Stuck working night shifts, the abrasive sound of two garbage can lids clashing has consistently ensured she will be jolted awake three full hours before her alarm is set to go off, obliterating any chance at achieving a peaceful night’s sleep. Though Ramierez may be sleep deprived and emotionally drained, she assured reporters the nightly concerts have helped build a necessary sense of community.
“Before all this, I never knew I lived on the same street as so many budding musicians” noted Ramierez as she jogged down the hallway to greet the latest code red patient “Who knew it would take a pandemic and the single most stressful month of my life for the entire neighbourhood to form some kind of collective Noise Band . You should hear the way little Maggie across the street rip a baking sheet solo. She’s basically the next Mozart.”
At press time, Ramierez was spotted downing a Red Bull, her eyes visibly bloodshot, as she muttered something about “vuvuzelas.”


thebeaverton--2020-05-03--Canada Post overwhelmed by volume of wistful love-letters sent to nation’s eyebrow estheticians

OTTAWA – As a result of COVID-19 public safety measures , thousands of salons nationwide have closed down .
Without access to regular eyebrow maintenance appointments , women have begun flooding Canada Post with dense love-letters to their estheticians .
“ I have never been in a relationship as long or as rewarding than the one I ’ ve shared with my esthetician for the past 10 years , ” sobbed 35 year-old Sara Mozafardi , as she dipped her quill into her inkwell .
“ I ’ m just writing to assure my eyebrow lady Esther of my loyalty @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that I will wait… I will wait for her.
” Canada Post has been dealing with an influx of letters similar to Mozafardi ’ s from women all over the country .
A spokesperson for the postal service urged Canadians to practice some hygiene and restraint when penning and sending out their declarations of love .
“ While we do appreciate that this is a difficult time for many who rely on others to groom and shape their eyebrows , we have to prioritize the safety of our postal workers .
We ask @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tear-streaked letters .
Oh , and to abstain from slipping in tweezers into the envelopes as a sign of solidarity with their estheticians.
” Alma Liu , a 43 year-old HR assistant working from home , reminisced on the first time she met her eyebrow esthetician .
“ I have been burned badly in the past , by estheticians who were the wrong fit , and the terribly hot wax they used .
So when I met Sonja for the first time , I had my reservations .
I came in just to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she suggested we ‘ do something about my moustache , ’ I knew she was the one .
She really saw me for the lost , swarthy girl I was way back then.
” Some women like 26 year-old Frances Gonzalez have been printing out selfies of their overgrown , haphazardly plucked eyebrows to include in their letters .
Gonzalez signs-off each one of her daily love-letters with “ You will always remain essential to me.
” While many women have found that social distancing illuminated the irreplaceable nature of their bond with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would ever get another Brazilian wax post-pandemic .

OTTAWA – As a result of COVID-19 public safety measures, thousands of salons nationwide have closed down. Without access to regular eyebrow maintenance appointments, women have begun flooding Canada Post with dense love-letters to their estheticians.
“I have never been in a relationship as long or as rewarding than the one I’ve shared with my esthetician for the past 10 years,” sobbed 35 year-old Sara Mozafardi, as she dipped her quill into her inkwell. “I’m just writing to assure my eyebrow lady Esther of my loyalty to her, and to let know that I will wait… I will wait for her.”
Canada Post has been dealing with an influx of letters similar to Mozafardi’s from women all over the country. A spokesperson for the postal service urged Canadians to practice some hygiene and restraint when penning and sending out their declarations of love.
“While we do appreciate that this is a difficult time for many who rely on others to groom and shape their eyebrows, we have to prioritize the safety of our postal workers. We ask that women refrain from mailing damp, tear-streaked letters. Oh, and to abstain from slipping in tweezers into the envelopes as a sign of solidarity with their estheticians.”
Alma Liu, a 43 year-old HR assistant working from home, reminisced on the first time she met her eyebrow esthetician. “I have been burned badly in the past, by estheticians who were the wrong fit, and the terribly hot wax they used. So when I met Sonja for the first time, I had my reservations. I came in just to get my eyebrows threaded, but when she suggested we ‘do something about my moustache,’ I knew she was the one. She really saw me for the lost, swarthy girl I was way back then.”
Some women like 26 year-old Frances Gonzalez have been printing out selfies of their overgrown, haphazardly plucked eyebrows to include in their letters. Gonzalez signs-off each one of her daily love-letters with “You will always remain essential to me.”
While many women have found that social distancing illuminated the irreplaceable nature of their bond with their estheticians, most questioned whether they would ever get another Brazilian wax post-pandemic.


thebeaverton--2020-05-04--Trump frankly disappointed more haven’t died yet

WASHINGTON D.C. — During his latest briefing on the deadly coronavirus pandemic , a frustrated President Trump admitted to reporters that he is “ actually kind of annoyed ” that the death toll has only risen to 68,040 .
“ Look , I don ’ t want people to die , per se , ” explained the visibly-irritated POTUS .
“ It ’ s just that I ’ ve been hearing from all these whiny experts and doctors since way back in January that millions of people could die on my watch , and at this point I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ @ @ got ’ .
” “ Like , at least it ’ d be a change of pace , ” Trump added glumly .
The president went on to lament the many efforts he has made to stop the coronavirus , including : yelling at it ; ignoring it ; calling it mean names ; “ telling Jared to fix it ” ; blaming it on Democrats/China/James Comey ; and offering it a bribe .
“ None of my beautiful plans have worked , so if we ’ re stuck with this thing we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and get that death toll as huge as possible .
Right ?
At the very least we can beat that loser Woodrow Wilson ’ s record for the Spanish Flu.
” Trump then went on to reassure the assembled press corp that his wish for more deaths would not result in him dying , as he would assuredly receive “ better medical care than all of you put together.
” While Washington insiders have debated whether an increased COVID-19 death toll would actually lift Trump ’ s spirits , medical experts have drawn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump ’ s does not actually seem to be capable of emotions like ‘ happy ’ or ‘ joy ’ , ” explained Dr. Sheila Watterson , Lead Researcher for the University of Maryland ’ s Abnormal Psychology Department .
“ Getting his way – in this case by witnessing a massive spike in American deaths – wouldn ’ t exactly make Trump happy , ” Dr. Watterson explained .
“ Rather it would create in him a recently-discovered joy-adjacent emotion that we doctors have termed ‘ antipathy-driven amusement ’ or ‘ Trumpenfreude @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s the most he ’ s capable of , ” Dr. Watterson concluded .
Back in Washington , White House insiders were eager to expand on Trump ’ s stated wish to “ see some real shit ” with more coronavirus deaths .
“ Once the president realized that more deaths were unavoidable , he got very excited by the idea of sending sick people to cough on his enemies , ” explained one anonymous source .
“ He was already yelling at someone to look up Rosie O ’ Donnell ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ might constitute a war crime .
Then he was upset all over again.
” Meanwhile , other West Wing Aides refused to comment on whether Trump ’ s wish for an increase in deaths was related to the recent launch of Trump Brand Body Bags .
At press time , Trump has announced plans to accelerate the US death toll by shipping every American snack-sized samples of bleach , and also putting Eric in charge .

WASHINGTON D.C. — During his latest briefing on the deadly coronavirus pandemic, a frustrated President Trump admitted to reporters that he is “actually kind of annoyed” that the death toll has only risen to 68,040.
“Look, I don’t want people to die, per se,” explained the visibly-irritated POTUS. “It’s just that I’ve been hearing from all these whiny experts and doctors since way back in January that millions of people could die on my watch, and at this point I’m just like ‘show me what you got’.”
“Like, at least it’d be a change of pace,” Trump added glumly.
The president went on to lament the many efforts he has made to stop the coronavirus, including: yelling at it; ignoring it; calling it mean names; “telling Jared to fix it”; blaming it on Democrats/China/James Comey; and offering it a bribe.
“None of my beautiful plans have worked, so if we’re stuck with this thing we might as well let ‘er rip and get that death toll as huge as possible. Right? At the very least we can beat that loser Woodrow Wilson’s record for the Spanish Flu.”
Trump then went on to reassure the assembled press corp that his wish for more deaths would not result in him dying, as he would assuredly receive “better medical care than all of you put together.”
While Washington insiders have debated whether an increased COVID-19 death toll would actually lift Trump’s spirits, medical experts have drawn a distinction. “A psychology like Trump’s does not actually seem to be capable of emotions like ‘happy’ or ‘joy’,” explained Dr. Sheila Watterson, Lead Researcher for the University of Maryland’s Abnormal Psychology Department.
“Getting his way – in this case by witnessing a massive spike in American deaths – wouldn’t exactly make Trump happy,” Dr. Watterson explained. “Rather it would create in him a recently-discovered joy-adjacent emotion that we doctors have termed ‘antipathy-driven amusement’ or ‘Trumpenfreude’.”
“We think it’s the most he’s capable of,” Dr. Watterson concluded.
Back in Washington, White House insiders were eager to expand on Trump’s stated wish to “see some real shit” with more coronavirus deaths.
“Once the president realized that more deaths were unavoidable, he got very excited by the idea of sending sick people to cough on his enemies,” explained one anonymous source. “He was already yelling at someone to look up Rosie O’Donnell’s address, before we realized it might constitute a war crime. Then he was upset all over again.”
Meanwhile, other West Wing Aides refused to comment on whether Trump’s wish for an increase in deaths was related to the recent launch of Trump Brand Body Bags.
At press time, Trump has announced plans to accelerate the US death toll by shipping every American snack-sized samples of bleach, and also putting Eric in charge.


thebeaverton--2020-05-04--Hubble Telescope turns 30, wonders if entire universe is all there is

LOW EARTH ORBIT – A week after celebrating 30 years of documenting the cosmic majesty of the universe , the Hubble Space Telescope is struggling with feelings of ennui and contemplating if all there is is really all there is .
“ You can only observe the entirety of the universe for so long before it starts to get old , ” the telescope mused between taking pictures of astonishing stellar phenomena .
“ Every day I solve another galactic mystery by peering into the hidden heart of reality itself , and I ’ m like , yeah , what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t help but feel jealous of the Voyager probes .
They ’ re really going places .
I ’ m just going in circles .
Literally , I ’ m in orbit.
” Life coach Gloria Remple says existential crises like the Hubble Telescope is experiencing are common when unbelievable feats of engineering reach a certain age .
After working with depressed neutrino observatories , morose particle accelerators , and a particularly troubled undersea research habitat , Remple says it ’ s important for an unhappy scientific instrument like Hubble to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the little things , like moons .
“ It ’ s too bad Hubble wouldn ’ t be helped by my usually advice to 30-year-olds when they feel like their existence is bereft of meaning : take up photography.
” “ I just wish I had the same enthusiasm for the work that I used to have , ” Hubble said .
“ Remember when I figured out that the universe is expanding ?
I miss the thrill of discovery .
Now not even the thought of finding alien life makes me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , great , another thing I got ta observe.
” At press time , the Hubble Space Telescope was wondering if it ’ s too late to go to law school .

LOW EARTH ORBIT – A week after celebrating 30 years of documenting the cosmic majesty of the universe, the Hubble Space Telescope is struggling with feelings of ennui and contemplating if all there is is really all there is.
“You can only observe the entirety of the universe for so long before it starts to get old,” the telescope mused between taking pictures of astonishing stellar phenomena. “Every day I solve another galactic mystery by peering into the hidden heart of reality itself, and I’m like, yeah, what else is new?”
“I can’t help but feel jealous of the Voyager probes. They’re really going places. I’m just going in circles. Literally, I’m in orbit.”
Life coach Gloria Remple says existential crises like the Hubble Telescope is experiencing are common when unbelievable feats of engineering reach a certain age. After working with depressed neutrino observatories, morose particle accelerators, and a particularly troubled undersea research habitat, Remple says it’s important for an unhappy scientific instrument like Hubble to try to experience more joy by focusing on the little things, like moons.
“It’s too bad Hubble wouldn’t be helped by my usually advice to 30-year-olds when they feel like their existence is bereft of meaning: take up photography.”
“I just wish I had the same enthusiasm for the work that I used to have,” Hubble said. “Remember when I figured out that the universe is expanding? I miss the thrill of discovery. Now not even the thought of finding alien life makes me feel anything other than exasperation, like, great, another thing I gotta observe.”
At press time, the Hubble Space Telescope was wondering if it’s too late to go to law school.


thebeaverton--2020-05-04--Saskatchewan reopens just as local woman finishes disastrous DIY haircut

SASKATOON – The government of Saskatchewan declared the province officially reopened for business today , moments after resident Ilana Shaw finished giving herself the worst haircut of all time .
“ I guess it ’ s partly my fault for avoiding the news , ” Shaw said , self-consciously adjusting an out-of-season toque .
“ I really thought we ’ d be stuck at home for months , and that my bikini trimmer would be sharp enough to do the job.
” Shaw has always wanted to shave the right side of her head like Rihanna , adorning it with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or something .
So she got to work , shaving a bald patch into her temple that somehow managed to be jagged and blob-like at the same time .
That ’ s when Shaw made her worst mistake .
“ I decided that it would be less noticeable if I made it symmetrical , ” Shaw explained .
“ So I moved to the left side .
But of course , like most sane adults , I ’ m right-handed .
And , well… you remember that scene from Paddington 2 where he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Yeah .
It was that for me.
” Sources close to Shaw describe her new look as “ the doll from Rugrats ” or “ a less cohesive version of Aaron Eckhart ’ s Two-Face.
” Shaw calls the look “ Radioactive Joe Exotic.
” Before the haircut , Ilana was eager to resume her routine : by day , hosting Saskatoon ’ s most-watched daytime talk show , and by night , modelling statement tiaras for her sister ’ s Etsy shop .
Now , she ’ s dreading the return to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ selfish , ” Shaw said .
“ But every time I look in the mirror I can ’ t help but think ‘ that second wave can not come soon enough.
’ ” At press time , Shaw was reportedly unable to get an appointment in any salon around the city , as they ’ re all fully booked with clients with “ self-control ” who were “ patient.
” She is currently investigating her options , including wigs , oversized barrettes , and large , distracting fascinators .

SASKATOON – The government of Saskatchewan declared the province officially reopened for business today, moments after resident Ilana Shaw finished giving herself the worst haircut of all time.
“I guess it’s partly my fault for avoiding the news,” Shaw said, self-consciously adjusting an out-of-season toque. “I really thought we’d be stuck at home for months, and that my bikini trimmer would be sharp enough to do the job.”
Shaw has always wanted to shave the right side of her head like Rihanna, adorning it with cute little stripey lines or a star or something. So she got to work, shaving a bald patch into her temple that somehow managed to be jagged and blob-like at the same time. That’s when Shaw made her worst mistake.
“I decided that it would be less noticeable if I made it symmetrical,” Shaw explained. “So I moved to the left side. But of course, like most sane adults, I’m right-handed. And, well… you remember that scene from Paddington 2 where he shaves the judge’s part? Yeah. It was that for me.”
Sources close to Shaw describe her new look as “the doll from Rugrats” or “a less cohesive version of Aaron Eckhart’s Two-Face.” Shaw calls the look “Radioactive Joe Exotic.”
Before the haircut, Ilana was eager to resume her routine: by day, hosting Saskatoon’s most-watched daytime talk show, and by night, modelling statement tiaras for her sister’s Etsy shop. Now, she’s dreading the return to normalcy.
“I know this is selfish,” Shaw said. “But every time I look in the mirror I can’t help but think ‘that second wave cannot come soon enough.’”
At press time, Shaw was reportedly unable to get an appointment in any salon around the city, as they’re all fully booked with clients with “self-control” who were “patient.” She is currently investigating her options, including wigs, oversized barrettes, and large, distracting fascinators.


thebeaverton--2020-05-05--Women rejoice as men mandated to stay 6ft away

TORONTO – As a result of COVID-19 social distancing women are rejoicing as men have been required to stay at least 6 ft away .
Relieved to have some downtime from cat-calling Craig ’ s , lurking Larry ’ s and peeping Tom ’ s , many women see the new pandemic as only a minor inconvenience compared to the ever-present toxic ‘ mandemic ’ that they face on a daily basis .
Women , no strangers to recoiling from unwanted physical touch , are over the moon to have authorities on their side , for once .
Local woman @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a man was ticketed merely for looking in her direction and clearing his throat as if to speak moistly .
“ My knuckles have finally healed from desperately clutching my keys whilst walking home at night !
” stated another thrilled woman who typically wears a hood to avoid men ’ s slobbering leers .
Devoid of the siren song of an “ innocent backrub , ” other women have discovered the inconvenient truth of their man ’ s actual personality .
This came to light after Justin Trudeau was mandated to stay @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Sophie , who emerged from quarantine appearing well-rested and practically glowing .
It ’ s presumed that in isolation she realized her persistent headaches were only partially due to the virus , and largely due to defending her man ’ s overenthusiastic costume ideas and mid-life crisis goatee .
Experts suggest that this is a great time for self-reflection and that men should take this time to self-isolate in their room and think about what they ’ ve done .
However , studies show that instead of booking online therapy , many @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s Zoom chats , delving the depths of PornHub Premium , and masturbating repeatedly with no signs of stopping in sight .

TORONTO – As a result of COVID-19 social distancing women are rejoicing as men have been required to stay at least 6 ft away. Relieved to have some downtime from cat-calling Craig’s, lurking Larry’s and peeping Tom’s, many women see the new pandemic as only a minor inconvenience compared to the ever-present toxic ‘mandemic’ that they face on a daily basis.
Women, no strangers to recoiling from unwanted physical touch, are over the moon to have authorities on their side, for once. Local woman Holly Wrightt says she was delighted when a man was ticketed merely for looking in her direction and clearing his throat as if to speak moistly.
“My knuckles have finally healed from desperately clutching my keys whilst walking home at night!” stated another thrilled woman who typically wears a hood to avoid men’s slobbering leers.
Devoid of the siren song of an “innocent backrub,” other women have discovered the inconvenient truth of their man’s actual personality. This came to light after Justin Trudeau was mandated to stay 6 ft away from his own wife, Sophie, who emerged from quarantine appearing well-rested and practically glowing. It’s presumed that in isolation she realized her persistent headaches were only partially due to the virus, and largely due to defending her man’s overenthusiastic costume ideas and mid-life crisis goatee.
Experts suggest that this is a great time for self-reflection and that men should take this time to self-isolate in their room and think about what they’ve done. However, studies show that instead of booking online therapy, many have simply resigned to crashing their ex’s Zoom chats, delving the depths of PornHub Premium, and masturbating repeatedly with no signs of stopping in sight.


thebeaverton--2020-05-05--Conservatives worry federal benefits may discourage some Canadians from going back to indentured ser

Conservatives worry federal benefits may discourage some Canadians from going back to indentured servitude

OTTAWA – As the federal government pleads with Canadians to continue respecting pandemic measures , the opposition Conservatives are warning that emergency aid could discourage some Canadians from going back to work for their lords and masters .
“ We already let them marry without having to get our permission , ” Conservative leader Andrew Scheer told reporters , as he tucked into some mutton in Stornoway .
“ What ’ s next ?
Commoners being able to work wherever they please ?
” Emma Wilkinson , an economist at the C.D .
Howe Institute , says that keeping the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Canadian economy .
“ Not only is it a crucial component of our education system , but tricking Canadians into performing free labour for a promise of freedom that their masters have no intention of granting is the most prominent mechanism Canadian companies have to recruit young people.
” Scheer agrees with Wilkinson , saying that unless the CERB and student aid benefits are curtailed , young Canadian peasants will flee their estates for the cities instead of fulfilling their pledge of fealty to their lord .
Other prominent Conservatives , such @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have also lent their voice to the call for pandemic-related benefits to be wound down .
“ The benefits must be ended , and Canadians must be forced back to their owners , ” says Ivison .
“ Otherwise we will endure the worst case scenario of the novel coronavirus : that some of those of lower station might come away from the plague with not one , but TWO extra thousand dollars.
” Not all Conservatives are in agreement , however .
According to sources , one person inside the party stated @ @ @ @ @ @ @ were choosing a meagre subsistence payment measure over a job , Canadian noblemen might raise wages to attract workers .
This person was , naturally , immediately burned at the stake for witchcraft .

OTTAWA – As the federal government pleads with Canadians to continue respecting pandemic measures, the opposition Conservatives are warning that emergency aid could discourage some Canadians from going back to work for their lords and masters.
“We already let them marry without having to get our permission,” Conservative leader Andrew Scheer told reporters, as he tucked into some mutton in Stornoway. “What’s next? Commoners being able to work wherever they please?”
Emma Wilkinson, an economist at the C.D. Howe Institute, says that keeping the benefits would pose a terminal risk to the Canadian economy.
“Not only is it a crucial component of our education system, but tricking Canadians into performing free labour for a promise of freedom that their masters have no intention of granting is the most prominent mechanism Canadian companies have to recruit young people.”
Scheer agrees with Wilkinson, saying that unless the CERB and student aid benefits are curtailed, young Canadian peasants will flee their estates for the cities instead of fulfilling their pledge of fealty to their lord.
Other prominent Conservatives, such as National Post writer John Ivison, have also lent their voice to the call for pandemic-related benefits to be wound down.
“The benefits must be ended, and Canadians must be forced back to their owners,” says Ivison. “Otherwise we will endure the worst case scenario of the novel coronavirus: that some of those of lower station might come away from the plague with not one, but TWO extra thousand dollars.”
Not all Conservatives are in agreement, however. According to sources, one person inside the party stated that if workers in a free market were choosing a meagre subsistence payment measure over a job, Canadian noblemen might raise wages to attract workers. This person was, naturally, immediately burned at the stake for witchcraft.