thebeaverton--2020-11-11--Canadians remember the sacrifices Don Cherry made to hijack Remembrance Day for his personal brand

KINGSTON , ON – Canadians took a moment of silence today to recognize the important sacrifices former Hockey Night in Canada commentator Don Cherry made to turn a sacred event into a spectacle advancing his career and personal brand .
The warrior known as “ Grapes ” dutifully put himself front-and-centre at every veteran narrative despite having never served in the military to expand his celebrity status .
“ Thank you Don Cherry for your service , ” said 15-year-old Blake Scott placing his Rock ‘ Em Sock ‘ Em DVD on the grave of the Unknown Sports Commentator .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ this day is really about , but I know he has done so much for veterans.
” Whether it was visiting the troops in Afghanistan or shaming “ you people ” for not wearing poppies , a camera recording his heroic thumbs up was never far away .
“ I remember Cherry ’ s poppy suits in early November , ” said hockey fan Dale Smith .
“ He had a lot of courage to twist a respectful symbol into something bombastically comical.
” Ultimately paying the highest sacrifice , being fired from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the veteran blowhard continues to serve his country by serving himself .
Meanwhile , the Toronto Star editorial board explained that they printed Cherry ’ s opinion on poppies because it would be “ too sad if it were a real veteran .
”

KINGSTON, ON – Canadians took a moment of silence today to recognize the important sacrifices former Hockey Night in Canada commentator Don Cherry made to turn a sacred event into a spectacle advancing his career and personal brand.
The warrior known as “Grapes” dutifully put himself front-and-centre at every veteran narrative despite having never served in the military to expand his celebrity status.
“Thank you Don Cherry for your service,” said 15-year-old Blake Scott placing his Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em DVD on the grave of the Unknown Sports Commentator. “I don’t know what this day is really about, but I know he has done so much for veterans.”
Whether it was visiting the troops in Afghanistan or shaming “you people” for not wearing poppies, a camera recording his heroic thumbs up was never far away.
“I remember Cherry’s poppy suits in early November,” said hockey fan Dale Smith. “He had a lot of courage to twist a respectful symbol into something bombastically comical.”
Ultimately paying the highest sacrifice, being fired from his beloved Coach’s Corner, the veteran blowhard continues to serve his country by serving himself.
Meanwhile, the Toronto Star editorial board explained that they printed Cherry’s opinion on poppies because it would be “too sad if it were a real veteran.”


thebeaverton--2020-11-12--Woman’s opinion about to get some really good traction after this guy says it

VANCOUVER – Local copywriter Robert Strong just made a huge contribution to the meeting by repeating a brilliant observation made by the only other woman in the group earlier when no one was listening .
“ I truly don ’ t know where it came from , ” continued Robert .
“ I was hanging on every word Kyle was saying then that new girl in the meeting started talking and I sort of lost focus .
Suddenly , as if someone had said the idea right at me , I said it out loud and everyone was on board @ @ @ @ @ @ @ other men in the meeting , claimed that when Cindy said the idea it was fine but when Robert said it in a much deeper , confident way it just made much more sense .
“ Robert ’ s got the chops alright , and with an idea like that , I think he ’ s up for promotion , ” continued Kyle .
Cindy Lee , who in fact has been working for the company for 5 years , had the opinion that was repeated by Robert .
She reported she was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ heard and will be incorporated moving forward .
“ I am used to having people steal my opinions , I am just glad that- ” Robert then came back into our interview to confirm that , “ Women get interrupted all the time and it ’ s a problem we have to be more aware of moving forward.
” After thinking on his observation that women get interrupted all the time , Robert has announced a follow-up meeting to discuss how better to include women in their meetings .
Cindy Lee has not @ @ @ @

VANCOUVER – Local copywriter Robert Strong just made a huge contribution to the meeting by repeating a brilliant observation made by the only other woman in the group earlier when no one was listening.
“I truly don’t know where it came from,” continued Robert. “I was hanging on every word Kyle was saying then that new girl in the meeting started talking and I sort of lost focus. Suddenly, as if someone had said the idea right at me, I said it out loud and everyone was on board!”
Kyle, one of the other men in the meeting, claimed that when Cindy said the idea it was fine but when Robert said it in a much deeper, confident way it just made much more sense. “Robert’s got the chops alright, and with an idea like that, I think he’s up for promotion,” continued Kyle.
Cindy Lee, who in fact has been working for the company for 5 years, had the opinion that was repeated by Robert. She reported she was just happy that the opinion was eventually heard and will be incorporated moving forward. “I am used to having people steal my opinions, I am just glad that-” Robert then came back into our interview to confirm that, “Women get interrupted all the time and it’s a problem we have to be more aware of moving forward.”
After thinking on his observation that women get interrupted all the time, Robert has announced a follow-up meeting to discuss how better to include women in their meetings. Cindy Lee has not yet been invited.


thebeaverton--2020-11-12--Scheer furious he didn’t think of staging a coup after 2019 election

OTTAWA – Back Bench Conservative MP Andrew Scheer is reportedly furious that he never thought of “ doing a coup ” after the 2019 election the way Donald Trump is currently trying to do in America .
“ I guess I was pretty busy writing a concession speech and coming up with more personal items I could get the Conservative Party to pay for , ” said a clearly agitated Scheer .
“ But why didn ’ t my aides tell me about this ?
” “ I would have loved to just say ‘ no , I actually won @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are rigging the whole thing against me.
” Scheer has been calling up old staffers and , after reminding them that he really was almost Prime Minister of Canada , demanding to know why they didn ’ t put out a bunch of vague , unprovable claims about dead people voting or computer glitches changing votes .
“ Yeah he called me out of the blue yelling about ‘ is it too late to bribe a poll worker to claim they saw pre-marked ballots being unloaded from a truck ?
’ I just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ and hung up , ” said one high ranking member of the Conservative brain trust .
Other staffers had to explain to Scheer that it would have been very hard to fire the top staff at the Pentagon given he wasn ’ t actually in charge of the military at the time , and Canada doesn ’ t have a Pentagon .
But Scheer remained confident that , if only he ’ d thought of the coup idea first , he ’ d be celebrating a full year as Prime Minister/Milk Dictator @ @ @

OTTAWA – Back Bench Conservative MP Andrew Scheer is reportedly furious that he never thought of “doing a coup” after the 2019 election the way Donald Trump is currently trying to do in America.
“I guess I was pretty busy writing a concession speech and coming up with more personal items I could get the Conservative Party to pay for,” said a clearly agitated Scheer. “But why didn’t my aides tell me about this?”
“I would have loved to just say ‘no, I actually won,’ and then claimed Liberal cities are rigging the whole thing against me.”
Scheer has been calling up old staffers and, after reminding them that he really was almost Prime Minister of Canada, demanding to know why they didn’t put out a bunch of vague, unprovable claims about dead people voting or computer glitches changing votes.
“Yeah he called me out of the blue yelling about ‘is it too late to bribe a poll worker to claim they saw pre-marked ballots being unloaded from a truck?’ I just said ‘new number who dis?’ and hung up,” said one high ranking member of the Conservative brain trust.
Other staffers had to explain to Scheer that it would have been very hard to fire the top staff at the Pentagon given he wasn’t actually in charge of the military at the time, and Canada doesn’t have a Pentagon.
But Scheer remained confident that, if only he’d thought of the coup idea first, he’d be celebrating a full year as Prime Minister/Milk Dictator of Canada.


thebeaverton--2020-11-12--International community sends emergency supply of better leaders to Manitoba

WINNIPEG – As supplies for people taking responsibility dwindle , the international community is sending in two hundred tons of @ @ @ @ @ a Premier who takes the coronavirus seriously .
Aid will begin arriving at James Armstrong @ @ @ @ @ with aircraft chock-full of leaders much better than Brian Pallister .
The United Nations Disaster @ @ @ @ @ ) organization will have the difficult task of fulfilling the duties of elected officials such @ @ @ @ @ doctors and having coherent policies that prevent , rather than spread , the virus .
@ @ @ @ @ are sparse among political leadership here , ” said UNDAC ’ s Manitoba field commander @ @ @ @ @ will immediately deploy a team of decision-makers that will address the half-assed measures that are @ @ @ @ @ time , Premier Pallister announced the health care system will be staffed entirely by volunteers @

WINNIPEG – As supplies for people taking responsibility dwindle, the international community is sending in two hundred tons of leadership in absence of having a Premier who takes the coronavirus seriously.
Aid will begin arriving at James Armstrong Richardson Airport later this evening with aircraft chock-full of leaders much better than Brian Pallister.
The United Nations Disaster Assessment and Coordination (UNDAC) organization will have the difficult task of fulfilling the duties of elected officials such as following the advice of doctors and having coherent policies that prevent, rather than spread, the virus.
“Foresight and common sense are sparse among political leadership here,” said UNDAC’s Manitoba field commander Jorge Delgado. “We will immediately deploy a team of decision-makers that will address the half-assed measures that are scourging province.”
At press time, Premier Pallister announced the health care system will be staffed entirely by volunteers.


thebeaverton--2020-11-13--Trump announces rallies, lawsuits in bid to make self too pitiful to arrest

WASHINGTON D.C. – As news outlets confirm their earlier projections of a Biden electoral college win , President Donald Trump has announced further intentions to contest the results in a bid to make himself too pathetic for a future Justice Department to indict .
“ Why else would I be holding huge rallies and launching frivolous lawsuits in every state , ” announced the leader of the free world from as he phoned in to Fox & Friends , “ My hope is that when Biden picks his Attorney General , that guy will be like ‘ Ugh , I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crap while he ’ s down ’ , and then they ’ ll just let me go.
” The Fox News morning hosts , all visibly repulsed by Trump ’ s palpable lack of shame , mumbled responses about how the legal strategy was “ novel ” and “ outside the box thinking ” .
With Trump currently projected to lose the electoral college by 306 to 232 votes , many inside his inner circle believe this “ look completely wretched ” strategy is the soon-to-be-Ex-President ’ s best bet to stay out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ability to withstand even a fraction of the potential indictments that could be launched once he is no longer president , and see avoiding justice all together as his only option .
“ Look , we did a whole lot of crimes , and those are just the ones people already know about , ” explained Trump son-in-law and advisor Jared Kushner .
“ Once Biden ’ s guys get in the building and see these receipts , our only shot is gon na be to hold the saddest , most desperate rallies @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m talking completely made up fraud allegations , utterly unhinged conspiracy theories .
Kid Rock not as a musical guest but as an actual speaker.
” Kushner continued , “ Once even OANN won ’ t air our rallies out of pure visceral disgust , then we ’ ll know we ’ re home free.
” Legal experts define Trump ’ s stated strategy , deliberately debasing himself so thoroughly that prosecutors are compelled to turn away in revulsion , as “ the Ross Gellar Defense ” .
These experts also predict @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the routine patheticness of his normal rallies , just in order to exceed Federal and State prosecutors ’ eagerness to charge him with numerous felonies once he is out of office .
Jacinda Marks , professor of political science at Cornell University , added , “ I ’ m not saying President Trump would have to soil himself live on stage in front of thousands of fans in order to overwhelm prosecutors ’ threshold for pity , but I ’ m also saying it wouldn ’ t hurt.
” At press time , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he described as “ the ultimate self-humiliation ” – awkwardly dancing to the YMCA on stage again .

WASHINGTON D.C. – As news outlets confirm their earlier projections of a Biden electoral college win, President Donald Trump has announced further intentions to contest the results in a bid to make himself too pathetic for a future Justice Department to indict.
“Why else would I be holding huge rallies and launching frivolous lawsuits in every state,” announced the leader of the free world from as he phoned in to Fox & Friends, “My hope is that when Biden picks his Attorney General, that guy will be like ‘Ugh, I feel gross kicking this sad piece of crap while he’s down’, and then they’ll just let me go.”
The Fox News morning hosts, all visibly repulsed by Trump’s palpable lack of shame, mumbled responses about how the legal strategy was “novel” and “outside the box thinking”.
With Trump currently projected to lose the electoral college by 306 to 232 votes, many inside his inner circle believe this “look completely wretched” strategy is the soon-to-be-Ex-President’s best bet to stay out of prison. Most insiders doubt Trump ability to withstand even a fraction of the potential indictments that could be launched once he is no longer president, and see avoiding justice all together as his only option.
“Look, we did a whole lot of crimes, and those are just the ones people already know about,” explained Trump son-in-law and advisor Jared Kushner. “Once Biden’s guys get in the building and see these receipts, our only shot is gonna be to hold the saddest, most desperate rallies this country has ever seen. I’m talking completely made up fraud allegations, utterly unhinged conspiracy theories. Kid Rock not as a musical guest but as an actual speaker.”
Kushner continued, “Once even OANN won’t air our rallies out of pure visceral disgust, then we’ll know we’re home free.”
Legal experts define Trump’s stated strategy, deliberately debasing himself so thoroughly that prosecutors are compelled to turn away in revulsion, as “the Ross Gellar Defense”. These experts also predict Trump will be forced to far exceed the routine patheticness of his normal rallies, just in order to exceed Federal and State prosecutors’ eagerness to charge him with numerous felonies once he is out of office.
Jacinda Marks, professor of political science at Cornell University, added, “I’m not saying President Trump would have to soil himself live on stage in front of thousands of fans in order to overwhelm prosecutors’ threshold for pity, but I’m also saying it wouldn’t hurt.”
At press time, Trump was reportedly steeling himself for what he described as “the ultimate self-humiliation” – awkwardly dancing to the YMCA on stage again.


thebeaverton--2020-11-13--Biden wins election nine days after winning election

ATLANTA , GA – After final vote tallies from Arizona and Georgia , Joe Biden has won the U.S. presidential election only nine days after winning the U.S. presidential election .
With a total of 27 additional electoral votes from the two states , Biden ’ s lead has grown to a razor-thin margin of 306-232 , assuming the razor is the size of Pennsylvania .
“ We are really excited to be the state that put Biden over the top , ” said Heather Metivier , chair of the Arizona Democratic Longshot Committee .
“ By which I mean @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of it like you ate a hot fudge sundae , and then after you ’ re done someone picks up the empty bowl and then hands it back to you and asks if you ’ d like a hot fudge sundae , and you ’ re like , sure , but I already finished it .
It ’ s like that , but with democracy.
” Biden also carried the popular vote by more than five million voters , allowing him to edge ahead of Trump only nine days after carrying the popular @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
But Trump supporters , energized by accusations of election fraud from the GOP , are protesting the election results as rigged .
“ Most unfair election ever !
” tweeted Georgia resident @ NotRussianBot_Qnon69 .
“ Deep state stole the top 4 inches of the ballots that dems won in the battleground states and replaced them with alternate 4 inches !
CONSPIRACY !
!
!
” Despite national election officials calling the count “ the most secure in American history , ” Trump has continued attacking the results .
Anonymous White House @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is ultimately in charge of preserving the integrity of the American election process would be losing their job soon .
That transition is expected to take place on January 20 .

ATLANTA, GA – After final vote tallies from Arizona and Georgia, Joe Biden has won the U.S. presidential election only nine days after winning the U.S. presidential election.
With a total of 27 additional electoral votes from the two states, Biden’s lead has grown to a razor-thin margin of 306-232, assuming the razor is the size of Pennsylvania.
“We are really excited to be the state that put Biden over the top,” said Heather Metivier, chair of the Arizona Democratic Longshot Committee. “By which I mean the top of the top. Think of it like you ate a hot fudge sundae, and then after you’re done someone picks up the empty bowl and then hands it back to you and asks if you’d like a hot fudge sundae, and you’re like, sure, but I already finished it. It’s like that, but with democracy.”
Biden also carried the popular vote by more than five million voters, allowing him to edge ahead of Trump only nine days after carrying the popular vote by more than five million voters. But Trump supporters, energized by accusations of election fraud from the GOP, are protesting the election results as rigged.
“Most unfair election ever!” tweeted Georgia resident @NotRussianBot_Qnon69. “Deep state stole the top 4 inches of the ballots that dems won in the battleground states and replaced them with alternate 4 inches! CONSPIRACY!!!”
Despite national election officials calling the count “the most secure in American history,” Trump has continued attacking the results. Anonymous White House sources report that the president expects whomever is ultimately in charge of preserving the integrity of the American election process would be losing their job soon. That transition is expected to take place on January 20.


thebeaverton--2020-11-13--Elon Musk unveils advanced mining drill that goes deep enough to pull his head out from his ass

SAN FRANCISCO , CA – Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced plans for a new thermo-mining drill today that would have the capacity to drill deep enough to pull his head out of his ass .
“ Today is an historic day , ” Musk declared whilst his head was shoved unfathomably deep into his own rectum .
“ Finally , we have the means to extract the deepest-buried substance on Earth.
” Plans for the revolutionary device were on display , parts of which involve a diamond tipped , carbon mining drill bit , a basic human-empathy chip in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ African apartheid-era emeralds , and is expected to be finished in the summer of 2042 .
The news comes simultaneously with Musk announcing a possible COVID-19 diagnosis , “ I got tested four times , twice positive , twice negative , ” Musk told the press gallery , “ Clearly this COVID thing is blown way out of proportion .
Look !
Negative twice .
Now get back to work !
Sorry , force of habit.
” Musk ignored further questions from the press about his recent COVID situation , instead gesturing to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is fueled with the entirely renewable resource of billion-dollar US government subsidies .

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced plans for a new thermo-mining drill today that would have the capacity to drill deep enough to pull his head out of his ass.
“Today is an historic day,” Musk declared whilst his head was shoved unfathomably deep into his own rectum. “Finally, we have the means to extract the deepest-buried substance on Earth.”
Plans for the revolutionary device were on display, parts of which involve a diamond tipped, carbon mining drill bit, a basic human-empathy chip in the base of the spine, and South African apartheid-era emeralds, and is expected to be finished in the summer of 2042.
The news comes simultaneously with Musk announcing a possible COVID-19 diagnosis, “I got tested four times, twice positive, twice negative,” Musk told the press gallery, “Clearly this COVID thing is blown way out of proportion. Look! Negative twice. Now get back to work! Sorry, force of habit.”
Musk ignored further questions from the press about his recent COVID situation, instead gesturing to the plans for the device, which is fueled with the entirely renewable resource of billion-dollar US government subsidies.


thebeaverton--2020-11-13--Ontario government confirms public health experts were on mute this whole time

TORONTO – The Ontario PC government is claiming they didn ’ t follow the advice of public health experts because they were on mute this entire time .
Ontario Health Minister Christine Elliott said that she had accidentally placed everyone on mute during every Zoom call , which is why their advice was ignored .
“ When we reached out to the [ Medical Officers of Health ] and other experts several months ago , we didn ’ t hear anything and assumed they were happy with our plan , ” explained Elliott .
“ I thought the doctors and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” and “ thousands of cases per day isn ’ t bad.
” When they were waving their hands at me and shaking their cameras , I thought they were just excited about the pandemic being over.
” In-person pleas to change direction were muffled by masks being worn over the mouths of experts and over the ears of ministerial staff .
“ It ’ s hard to pay attention when you ’ re trying to be safe , ” said the Minister .
Reports on Ontario ’ s skyrocketing cases and deadly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Premier ’ s junk mail since his inbox is full of developers making requests to pave over sensitive ecosystems .

TORONTO – The Ontario PC government is claiming they didn’t follow the advice of public health experts because they were on mute this entire time.
Ontario Health Minister Christine Elliott said that she had accidentally placed everyone on mute during every Zoom call, which is why their advice was ignored.
“When we reached out to the [Medical Officers of Health] and other experts several months ago, we didn’t hear anything and assumed they were happy with our plan,” explained Elliott. “I thought the doctors and epidemiologists were mouthing “re-open the economy” and “thousands of cases per day isn’t bad.” When they were waving their hands at me and shaking their cameras, I thought they were just excited about the pandemic being over.”
In-person pleas to change direction were muffled by masks being worn over the mouths of experts and over the ears of ministerial staff.
“It’s hard to pay attention when you’re trying to be safe,” said the Minister.
Reports on Ontario’s skyrocketing cases and deadly outbreaks in care homes were redirected into the Premier’s junk mail since his inbox is full of developers making requests to pave over sensitive ecosystems.


thebeaverton--2020-11-13--Ford announces new threshold for increasing COVID restrictions will be 1 case more than whatever we

Ford announces new threshold for increasing COVID restrictions will be 1 case more than whatever we currently have

TORONTO – Under fire for changing COVID standards to unsafe levels , Premier Doug Ford has announced a new threshold for when his government will finally impose greater restrictions : exactly one case more than whatever we currently have .
“ It ’ s very simple .
If we have 6500 new cases in a day , then the threshold we need to hit to close indoor dining and gyms will be 6501 , ” said Ford .
“ If we hit 6501 then it will be 6502 .
And so on and so on.
” “ We feel this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ than the current colour system , ” he added .
The government announced the new system after careful discussions with business leaders , real estate developers and that weird muscular guy who keeps hosting anti-mask protests/dance parties on the streets of Toronto .
“ We need to accept that this virus isn ’ t going away .
And we need a flexible system to constantly adjust so we never have to actually do anything to make it go away , ” said Health Minister Christine Elliott .
Some critics are concerned the ‘ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ virus to run rampant and cause numerous deaths throughout the province , although Ford has promised them that they will definitely blame the federal government when that happens .
The Ford government has also announced a new benefits plan for people struggling financially during the pandemic called 100 % less than whatever they need .

TORONTO – Under fire for changing COVID standards to unsafe levels, Premier Doug Ford has announced a new threshold for when his government will finally impose greater restrictions: exactly one case more than whatever we currently have.
“It’s very simple. If we have 6500 new cases in a day, then the threshold we need to hit to close indoor dining and gyms will be 6501,” said Ford. “If we hit 6501 then it will be 6502. And so on and so on.”
“We feel this is much simpler and easier to understand than the current colour system,” he added.
The government announced the new system after careful discussions with business leaders, real estate developers and that weird muscular guy who keeps hosting anti-mask protests/dance parties on the streets of Toronto.
“We need to accept that this virus isn’t going away. And we need a flexible system to constantly adjust so we never have to actually do anything to make it go away,” said Health Minister Christine Elliott.
Some critics are concerned the ‘one more’ system will allow the virus to run rampant and cause numerous deaths throughout the province, although Ford has promised them that they will definitely blame the federal government when that happens.
The Ford government has also announced a new benefits plan for people struggling financially during the pandemic called 100% less than whatever they need.


thebeaverton--2020-11-14--Rising COVID case numbers risk killing vibe at house party

VANCOUVER – Rising COVID-19 case numbers across the country have led to an increased risk of killing the vibe at an otherwise pretty lit house party , according to several partying sources .
“ Ughhhhh , it keeps coming up when I ’ m trying to talk to girls , ” said Cooper Brady .
“ It ’ s hard enough to have a conversation with all these people here .
At least the weirdos wearing masks mostly have the courtesy to pull them down so you can hear them better.
” Mark Jeffries , one of the hosts of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stay focused on showing people a good time despite the second wave and his own obvious symptoms .
“ I ’ ve just got a bit of a cold , but I took some Advil earlier so it ’ s all good , ” said Jeffries while sweating a bit more than could be explained by the ecstasy he ’ d also taken .
“ I wasn ’ t about to cancel this thing because of a little headache and some gut wrenching diarrhea.
” The vibe was maintained at a fairly steady @ @ @ @ @ @ @ games , but some partygoers still expressed concerns , possibly remembering the untimely death of the vibe at Mel and Pete ’ s apartment flip cup tournament when Oscar announced his dad was in the ICU .
“ Obviously we ’ re all hoping this virus goes away soon , that ’ s why I ’ m wearing this dumb mask , ” said Kayleigh Lundell while pulling down said mask to share a vape pen with four strangers .
“ It takes something like this pandemic for you to really appreciate how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s awesome to see so many people come together to keep the vibe alive.
” At least one partygoer did seem like his vibe had been pretty harshed despite the frivolity around him .
“ No no , I just need to keep it a little under the radar tonight , ” he said , while refusing to give his name .
“ The fam ’ s doing a birthday brunch for my grandma later this week , so I ’ ve just been taking a few hits off Tony ’ s bong @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pretty much wiped out by this thing , so it ’ ll be great to sit very close to my family and laugh and share food.
” At press time several doses of extra-loud WAP had been applied to the party , guaranteeing a robust vibe response and ensuring the vibe would be strong enough to spread to coworkers , friends , and the wider public several days later .

VANCOUVER – Rising COVID-19 case numbers across the country have led to an increased risk of killing the vibe at an otherwise pretty lit house party, according to several partying sources.
“Ughhhhh, it keeps coming up when I’m trying to talk to girls,” said Cooper Brady. “It’s hard enough to have a conversation with all these people here. At least the weirdos wearing masks mostly have the courtesy to pull them down so you can hear them better.”
Mark Jeffries, one of the hosts of the superspreader event, was trying to stay focused on showing people a good time despite the second wave and his own obvious symptoms.
“I’ve just got a bit of a cold, but I took some Advil earlier so it’s all good,” said Jeffries while sweating a bit more than could be explained by the ecstasy he’d also taken. “I wasn’t about to cancel this thing because of a little headache and some gut wrenching diarrhea.”
The vibe was maintained at a fairly steady rate through the early evening beer pong games, but some partygoers still expressed concerns, possibly remembering the untimely death of the vibe at Mel and Pete’s apartment flip cup tournament when Oscar announced his dad was in the ICU.
“Obviously we’re all hoping this virus goes away soon, that’s why I’m wearing this dumb mask,” said Kayleigh Lundell while pulling down said mask to share a vape pen with four strangers. “It takes something like this pandemic for you to really appreciate how fragile the vibe is. It’s awesome to see so many people come together to keep the vibe alive.”
At least one partygoer did seem like his vibe had been pretty harshed despite the frivolity around him. “No no, I just need to keep it a little under the radar tonight,” he said, while refusing to give his name. “The fam’s doing a birthday brunch for my grandma later this week, so I’ve just been taking a few hits off Tony’s bong and chilling. Brunch vibes have been pretty much wiped out by this thing, so it’ll be great to sit very close to my family and laugh and share food.”
At press time several doses of extra-loud WAP had been applied to the party, guaranteeing a robust vibe response and ensuring the vibe would be strong enough to spread to coworkers, friends, and the wider public several days later.


thebeaverton--2020-11-16--Health Canada convenes emergency press conference to declare you’re doing quarantine wrong

OTTAWA – At a special press conference Health Canada officials , doctors and scientists came together to declare their finding that you specifically are doing quarantine wrong .
“ As the government department responsible for keeping Canadians safe we thought it was important to get this message out , ” said Dr. Theresa Tam .
“ Specifically the message that everything you ’ ve been doing is wrong and you need to stop it.
” “ Have multiple levels of government been giving you increasingly confusing and contradictory rules about how to live life during COVID ?
Maybe .
But @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and this is all your fault.
” Tam and the other officials indicated that your choice to go grocery shopping or get takeout or eat on a patio was an obvious violation , as was your insistence on having a job that does not allow you to work from home and a government that won ’ t just pay people to stay home where it ’ s safe .
“ I think we can all agree that our response to COVID has become a massive , systemic failure .
And that is obviously @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and scared individuals and not anything to do with the system we run , ” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau .
“ You really let us down Canada , ” he added .
Canada Health also announced that the only person doing quarantine worse than you is your parents .

OTTAWA – At a special press conference Health Canada officials, doctors and scientists came together to declare their finding that you specifically are doing quarantine wrong.
“As the government department responsible for keeping Canadians safe we thought it was important to get this message out,” said Dr. Theresa Tam. “Specifically the message that everything you’ve been doing is wrong and you need to stop it.”
“Have multiple levels of government been giving you increasingly confusing and contradictory rules about how to live life during COVID? Maybe. But the point is you’re bad and this is all your fault.”
Tam and the other officials indicated that your choice to go grocery shopping or get takeout or eat on a patio was an obvious violation, as was your insistence on having a job that does not allow you to work from home and a government that won’t just pay people to stay home where it’s safe.
“I think we can all agree that our response to COVID has become a massive, systemic failure. And that is obviously 100% due to actions by confused and scared individuals and not anything to do with the system we run,” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
“You really let us down Canada,” he added.
Canada Health also announced that the only person doing quarantine worse than you is your parents.


thebeaverton--2020-11-16--Trump pivots to claiming he actually won 2008 election

WASHINGTON D.C. – After a frantic series of overnight tweets in which he baselessly claimed to have actually won the recent election , outgoing President Donald Trump changed tactics by claiming to have actually won the 2008 US presidential election .
“ I WON THE 2008 ELECTION , AND BEAT JUNIOR SENATOR BARACK OBAMA BY MILLIONS OF VOTES ” tweeted President Trump in all-caps at 6am this morning .
Despite the fact that Obama won a decisive electoral and popular vote victory , not to mention that Donald Trump was not a candidate in the 2008 election , Trump made @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
As the Trump campaign continues to lose legal challenges against Joe Biden ’ s decisive victory , observers remain baffled at Trump ’ s latest electoral offensive .
Experts are spilt whether it means that Trump has conceded that he lost the 2020 election to Biden , or if this means that he is claiming to have won the 2008 and 2020 elections simultaneously .
Reached for comment , several of his aides remained cagey about the claim .
“ President Trump is simply asking the questions on every American ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 12 year old election , ” said Trump press secretary Kayleigh McEnany .
“ If President Trump hadn ’ t been so busy with his ratings smash success The Apprentice , he would have easily overcome Obama ’ s efforts to steal the 2008 election and been inaugurated.
” McEnany added , “ President Trump also would have had a much bigger inauguration crowd than Obama did in 2009 , which he already also did with his inaugural crowd in 2017.
” Later this morning , Fox News wasted no time backing up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was a long time ago , and historical records of that period are sketchy at best , ” posited Fox & Friends host Brian Kilmeade .
“ Do we actually have any real proof that Barack Obama won 365 electoral college votes , and handily beat John McCain ?
We ’ ll never know until the lawsuits play out .
” “ Beating Obama in the election definitely sounds like something Donald Trump would do , ” added co-host Ainsley Earhardt .
At press time Donald Trump has tweeted that he also won @ @ @ @ @ @ @ US presidential elections .

WASHINGTON D.C. – After a frantic series of overnight tweets in which he baselessly claimed to have actually won the recent election, outgoing President Donald Trump changed tactics by claiming to have actually won the 2008 US presidential election.
“I WON THE 2008 ELECTION, AND BEAT JUNIOR SENATOR BARACK OBAMA BY MILLIONS OF VOTES” tweeted President Trump in all-caps at 6am this morning. Despite the fact that Obama won a decisive electoral and popular vote victory, not to mention that Donald Trump was not a candidate in the 2008 election, Trump made the decisive claim about the long-settled race.
As the Trump campaign continues to lose legal challenges against Joe Biden’s decisive victory, observers remain baffled at Trump’s latest electoral offensive. Experts are spilt whether it means that Trump has conceded that he lost the 2020 election to Biden, or if this means that he is claiming to have won the 2008 and 2020 elections simultaneously.
Reached for comment, several of his aides remained cagey about the claim.
“President Trump is simply asking the questions on every American’s mind, namely who actually won that 12 year old election,” said Trump press secretary Kayleigh McEnany. “If President Trump hadn’t been so busy with his ratings smash success The Apprentice, he would have easily overcome Obama’s efforts to steal the 2008 election and been inaugurated.”
McEnany added, “President Trump also would have had a much bigger inauguration crowd than Obama did in 2009, which he already also did with his inaugural crowd in 2017.”
Later this morning, Fox News wasted no time backing up Trump’s claim. “2008 was a long time ago, and historical records of that period are sketchy at best,” posited Fox & Friends host Brian Kilmeade. “Do we actually have any real proof that Barack Obama won 365 electoral college votes, and handily beat John McCain? We’ll never know until the lawsuits play out. ”
“Beating Obama in the election definitely sounds like something Donald Trump would do,” added co-host Ainsley Earhardt.
At press time Donald Trump has tweeted that he also won the 2024, 1992, and 1912 US presidential elections.


thebeaverton--2020-11-15--Alberta launches contact tracing app notifying users if they’ve been near David Suzuki

EDMONTON – The Canadian Energy Centre has launched a new mobile app that will warn users if they were in @ @ @ @ @ Suzuki .
Albertans who download the mobile app will be notified if they ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ the former CBC ’ s Nature of Things host and his “ radical and unsound @ @ @ @ @ oil and gas industry.
” “ Exposure to this 84-year-old ’ s environmental activism can @ @ @ @ @ and put young minds at risk , ” explained a CEC spokesperson disguised as a @ @ @ @ @ have been within two meters of a foreign-funded activist who poses a risk to the @ @ @ @ @ s GDP , you have the right to know.
” The number of cases of @ @ @ @ @ literacy continues to climb , and Alberta ’ s government has taken immediate preventative measures @ @ @ @ @ environmentalism .
Authorities advise that if users have been notified to immediately quarantine by sticking @ @ @ @ @ the next 14 days .

EDMONTON – The Canadian Energy Centre has launched a new mobile app that will warn users if they were in close contact with environmentalist David Suzuki.
Albertans who download the mobile app will be notified if they’ve been within 2 meters of the former CBC’s Nature of Things host and his “radical and unsound ideas about Canada’s oil and gas industry.”
“Exposure to this 84-year-old’s environmental activism can easily spread through your community and put young minds at risk,” explained a CEC spokesperson disguised as a doctor. “If you have been within two meters of a foreign-funded activist who poses a risk to the health of the province’s GDP, you have the right to know.”
The number of cases of those testing positive of scientific literacy continues to climb, and Alberta’s government has taken immediate preventative measures to address another wave of environmentalism.
Authorities advise that if users have been notified to immediately quarantine by sticking their head in oilsands for the next 14 days.


thebeaverton--2020-11-17--Doug Ford insists he will not hesitate to shut things down if he hears of any bad COVID news

TORONTO – Doug Ford has remained steadfast in his claim that if there is a single sign of trouble in regards to COVID , he will shut everything down .
“ Oh , you don ’ t want to know how willing I am , ” said Doug Ford , putting his hand over his pocket as if to draw his cellphone out like a pistol.
“ I will start making calls so hard , I just have to hear of one , single thing getting worse with COVID in the province and BOOM , I ’ ll pull the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ As cases in Ontario continue to grow exponentially , Ford continued to deliver this promise louder at a press conference the next day .
“ I MEAN IT !
Don ’ t push your luck Ontario , I will jump into action even if there is the tiniest , slightest , hint of a second wave.
” Eyewitnesses claim they saw Ford the next day wandering around Etobicoke , picking fights and daring anyone to tell him anything about COVID getting worse .
As pedestrians offered to show Ontario ’ s premier the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Doug Ford shoved them while yelling , “ I don ’ t trust anything on the internet ” and ran away .
At the time of reporting , Ford had sealed himself into a soundproof room with no wifi or television .
Although he could not be heard , expert lip-readers say through the glass window on one side of the chamber Ford said , “ I ’ m ready anytime , don ’ t know how clearer I can make that.
” When his aides drew up some posters to inform the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ new numbers , Mr. Ford appeared to curl up into a ball and go to sleep .

TORONTO – Doug Ford has remained steadfast in his claim that if there is a single sign of trouble in regards to COVID, he will shut everything down.
“Oh, you don’t want to know how willing I am,” said Doug Ford, putting his hand over his pocket as if to draw his cellphone out like a pistol.“I will start making calls so hard, I just have to hear of one, single thing getting worse with COVID in the province and BOOM, I’ll pull the brakes on this gravy train!”
As cases in Ontario continue to grow exponentially, Ford continued to deliver this promise louder at a press conference the next day. “I MEAN IT! Don’t push your luck Ontario, I will jump into action even if there is the tiniest, slightest, hint of a second wave.”
Eyewitnesses claim they saw Ford the next day wandering around Etobicoke, picking fights and daring anyone to tell him anything about COVID getting worse. As pedestrians offered to show Ontario’s premier the daily count for COVID deaths increasing, Doug Ford shoved them while yelling, “I don’t trust anything on the internet” and ran away.
At the time of reporting, Ford had sealed himself into a soundproof room with no wifi or television. Although he could not be heard, expert lip-readers say through the glass window on one side of the chamber Ford said, “I’m ready anytime, don’t know how clearer I can make that.”
When his aides drew up some posters to inform the Premier through the glass window about the new numbers, Mr. Ford appeared to curl up into a ball and go to sleep.


thebeaverton--2020-11-17--iPhone battery collapsing from 100% to 1% signals arrival of winter

VANCOUVER – iPhones across the Vancouver area have signaled the beginning of winter by collapsing in battery power when subjected @ @ @ @ @ degrees Celsius .
“ I can ’ t wait to ring in the new year @ @ @ @ @ Zhang whose iPhone X will be no longer ringing for the next 6 months due @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I hope I get a new battery for Christmas !
” According to @ @ @ @ @ the battery life of its new line of phones by including a 200 km long @ @

VANCOUVER – iPhones across the Vancouver area have signaled the beginning of winter by collapsing in battery power when subjected to a temperature below 9 degrees Celsius.
“I can’t wait to ring in the new year,” said local Clarissa Zhang whose iPhone X will be no longer ringing for the next 6 months due to light jacket weather conditions. “I hope I get a new battery for Christmas!”
According to sources, Apple is extending the battery life of its new line of phones by including a 200 km long charger.


thebeaverton--2020-11-17--Government reassures Canadians who ran out of EI they are still eligible for “Call Your Parents” ben

Government reassures Canadians who ran out of EI they are still eligible for “Call Your Parents” benefit

OTTAWA – The Trudeau Government has reassured Canadians that every person who is no longer able to apply for government assistance can apply for the “ Call Your Parents ” benefit .
“ It ’ s greatly superior to the previous CERB payments , ” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau during a press conference .
“ CYPB allows Canadians to reconnect with their loved ones by asking them to send them money they can not earn from working due to COVID .
Under the previous benefit , there was never a reason to keep in touch with your family .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ do nothing , so it ’ s really a complete success.
” Trudeau continued by saying , “ As we all know , our parents also have trust funds and a ton of money just waiting around for their children to inherit , so it makes sense to begin this process earlier so Canadians can learn more about their rich parents.
” The calculation of how much each child will receive is based on several factors , including : how many compliments the offspring has given the parent over a lifetime ; how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ parents ; and how often they initiate phone calls without having to be reminded .
The Trudeau Government has also made it clear that all of the money sent to their kids is considered taxable income , therefore if a parent sends $ 2,000 to their kids , it ’ s best to assume they actually are getting $ 1,700 .
The Trudeau Government is also excited to announce the launch of several other benefits to support fellow Canadians including the “ rich uncle ” benefit , the “ calling your shitty ex @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into your bar mitzvah money ” fund .
Justin Trudeau added , “ Even though your parents are expected to pay up , you will still have to be on hold with the CRA for 8 hours .
”

OTTAWA – The Trudeau Government has reassured Canadians that every person who is no longer able to apply for government assistance can apply for the “Call Your Parents” benefit.
“It’s greatly superior to the previous CERB payments,” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau during a press conference. “CYPB allows Canadians to reconnect with their loved ones by asking them to send them money they cannot earn from working due to COVID. Under the previous benefit, there was never a reason to keep in touch with your family. This benefit also requires the government to do nothing, so it’s really a complete success.”
Trudeau continued by saying, “As we all know, our parents also have trust funds and a ton of money just waiting around for their children to inherit, so it makes sense to begin this process earlier so Canadians can learn more about their rich parents.”
The calculation of how much each child will receive is based on several factors, including: how many compliments the offspring has given the parent over a lifetime; how much their partner is liked by said parents; and how often they initiate phone calls without having to be reminded.
The Trudeau Government has also made it clear that all of the money sent to their kids is considered taxable income, therefore if a parent sends $2,000 to their kids, it’s best to assume they actually are getting $1,700.
The Trudeau Government is also excited to announce the launch of several other benefits to support fellow Canadians including the “rich uncle” benefit, the “calling your shitty ex” benefit, and the “dip into your bar mitzvah money” fund.
Justin Trudeau added, “Even though your parents are expected to pay up, you will still have to be on hold with the CRA for 8 hours.”


thebeaverton--2020-11-18--Andrew Scheer officially passes John A. Macdonald as best grifter in Parliament history

OTTAWA – With news that he used taxpayer money to employ multiple family members former Conservative Party leader Andrew Scheer has finally passed Canada ’ s first PM , John A. Macdonald , as the best grifter in the history of the House of Commons .
“ When I first got to Ottawa they said no one would be able to overcome Sir John A ’ s legendary system of patronage and slush funds , ” said a jubilant Scheer as he stood next to his sister/employee .
“ But just like when doctors told me an adult human can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I proved them wrong.
” “ I ’ d like to thank my constituents , my kids , the school my kids go to that the Conservative Party kindly paid for , and everyone who has ever dreamed big.
” Although Scheer never pulled off the “ one big con ” like Macdonald did with his railroad scheme , his constant attempts to do multiple , low level schemes like hiding his American citizenship or lying about his experience as an insurance broker put him over the top in the eyes of officials @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in his short time in Parliament he somehow got taxpayers paying his family ’ s salary and Conservative Party donors funding their entire lifestyle , from clothes to flights .
If Prime Minister Macdonald were alive today , I think he ’ d be impressed , ” said Parliamentary historian Albert Finnegan .
Now that he is no longer Speaker of the House or Opposition Leader many insiders expect that Scheer ’ s best griftin ’ days are behind him .
But the MP for Regina strongly disagrees .
“ Are you kidding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ attention to me I can do anything I want !
Solid gold fish bowl for my constituency office ?
Platinum rims on my House of Commons desk ?
Maybe an official MP visit to Tahiti ?
The sky is the limit baby !
” The grifting award committee did wish to clarify that Scheer is only the most successful schemer in the history of the House of Commons .
If the Senate is included he ’ s not even in the top 5 .

OTTAWA – With news that he used taxpayer money to employ multiple family members former Conservative Party leader Andrew Scheer has finally passed Canada’s first PM, John A. Macdonald, as the best grifter in the history of the House of Commons.
“When I first got to Ottawa they said no one would be able to overcome Sir John A’s legendary system of patronage and slush funds,” said a jubilant Scheer as he stood next to his sister/employee. “But just like when doctors told me an adult human can’t survive off milk alone, I proved them wrong.”
“I’d like to thank my constituents, my kids, the school my kids go to that the Conservative Party kindly paid for, and everyone who has ever dreamed big.”
Although Scheer never pulled off the “one big con” like Macdonald did with his railroad scheme, his constant attempts to do multiple, low level schemes like hiding his American citizenship or lying about his experience as an insurance broker put him over the top in the eyes of officials.
“It really is remarkable that in his short time in Parliament he somehow got taxpayers paying his family’s salary and Conservative Party donors funding their entire lifestyle, from clothes to flights. If Prime Minister Macdonald were alive today, I think he’d be impressed,” said Parliamentary historian Albert Finnegan.
Now that he is no longer Speaker of the House or Opposition Leader many insiders expect that Scheer’s best griftin’ days are behind him. But the MP for Regina strongly disagrees.
“Are you kidding? Now that no one is paying attention to me I can do anything I want! Solid gold fish bowl for my constituency office? Platinum rims on my House of Commons desk? Maybe an official MP visit to Tahiti? The sky is the limit baby!”
The grifting award committee did wish to clarify that Scheer is only the most successful schemer in the history of the House of Commons. If the Senate is included he’s not even in the top 5.


thebeaverton--2020-11-18--‘So far so good’ reports baby carrying around Ming Dynasty vase

CANMORE , AB- Oliver Jorgensen , a 14-month old baby who just learned to walk , has let everyone know that things are going very well in his attempt to carry around a priceless Ming Dynasty vase without breaking it .
“ So far , so good !
” Jorgensen said using body language and facial expression , “ I think I can carry this around for a while !
I have strong hands and freshly developed motor skills !
” Oliver ’ s parents , Ivy and Leonard , are taking Oliver to the museum for the first time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ baby in a situation that could be catastrophically expensive .
“ Okay Oliver , put down the vase !
” said Ivy a few seconds ago in an attempt to defuse the situation .
“ Don ’ t waggle your eyebrows at me like that !
You ’ re in way over your head !
” Museum officials are bracing themselves for another potentially irreplaceable hole in their carefully curated collection , and are still dealing with the aftereffects of last year ’ s situation where a dog ran off with one of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ skeleton to collapse .
“ Unfortunately , dealing with comically unlikely situations is just a part of running a museum , ” explained the Canmore Museum ’ s curator , Shelby Lewiston .
“ We leave some room in the budget every year for events like a bunch of medieval armours falling onto each other like dominoes , but you can only sustain so many events of this nature and still stay in business.
” At press time , Baby Oliver was standing at the top of some stairs , getting ready to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ beloved Ming Dynasty vase away from him .

CANMORE, AB- Oliver Jorgensen, a 14-month old baby who just learned to walk, has let everyone know that things are going very well in his attempt to carry around a priceless Ming Dynasty vase without breaking it.
“So far, so good!” Jorgensen said using body language and facial expression, “I think I can carry this around for a while! I have strong hands and freshly developed motor skills!”
Oliver’s parents, Ivy and Leonard, are taking Oliver to the museum for the first time and are currently horrified to see their baby in a situation that could be catastrophically expensive.
“Okay Oliver, put down the vase!” said Ivy a few seconds ago in an attempt to defuse the situation. “Don’t waggle your eyebrows at me like that! You’re in way over your head!”
Museum officials are bracing themselves for another potentially irreplaceable hole in their carefully curated collection, and are still dealing with the aftereffects of last year’s situation where a dog ran off with one of the dinosaur bones, causing an entire skeleton to collapse.
“Unfortunately, dealing with comically unlikely situations is just a part of running a museum,” explained the Canmore Museum’s curator, Shelby Lewiston. “We leave some room in the budget every year for events like a bunch of medieval armours falling onto each other like dominoes, but you can only sustain so many events of this nature and still stay in business.”
At press time, Baby Oliver was standing at the top of some stairs, getting ready to cry if anyone tried to take his beloved Ming Dynasty vase away from him.


thebeaverton--2020-11-19--30 year old uses same tone telling toddler not to eat lego as she does telling parents not to go on

30 year old uses same tone telling toddler not to eat lego as she does telling parents not to go on cruise

Kincardine , ON – Mona Lee has found herself repeatedly using the same patient but exasperated tone explaining why her toddler shouldn ’ t eat things that will kill him as she does when explaining to her 70 something parents why they shouldn ’ t go on a cruise in the middle of a pandemic .
“ Sweety we don ’ t eat the lego fireman because we could choke and hurt ourselves , ” she said to her 3 year old Jackson before turning her attention back to the facetime video and saying to her parents Michael and Evelyn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t get on a cruise ship full of potentially infectious people because we have pre-existing health conditions and could hurt ourselves.
” “ Maybe let ’ s watch an episode of Peppa Pig instead , ” she said to both her child and parents .
Mona has found that her experience as the parent of a toddler has really come in handy as the child of two senior citizens who seem determined to expose themselves to COVID as much as humanly possible .
She has already got them to stop going to Costco @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fries instead , and just last week she put her foot down and prevented them from going to their neighbours for an indoor dinner party , despite the vicious tantrum that ensued .
“ I don ’ t mean to talk to the people that raised me like little kids , ” said Mona .
“ But when you ’ re dealing with an irrational , emotionally immature person who keeps trying to do the equivalent of chasing a toy into the middle of a busy street , it just kind of comes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ see reason , Mona says she may have to bring out the big guns and take away their binky .
Which in this case is a DVD box set of MASH .
Mona ’ s parents couldn ’ t be reached for comment as they were too busy wandering into a hardware store to browse while wearing a mask under their nose .
In related news the parents of a pre-teen boy have used the same calm language when telling him about the birds and the bees as they did explaining to his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ COVID even if you had the polio vaccine .

Kincardine, ON – Mona Lee has found herself repeatedly using the same patient but exasperated tone explaining why her toddler shouldn’t eat things that will kill him as she does when explaining to her 70 something parents why they shouldn’t go on a cruise in the middle of a pandemic.
“Sweety we don’t eat the lego fireman because we could choke and hurt ourselves,” she said to her 3 year old Jackson before turning her attention back to the facetime video and saying to her parents Michael and Evelyn “Now sweeties, we don’t get on a cruise ship full of potentially infectious people because we have pre-existing health conditions and could hurt ourselves.”
“Maybe let’s watch an episode of Peppa Pig instead,” she said to both her child and parents.
Mona has found that her experience as the parent of a toddler has really come in handy as the child of two senior citizens who seem determined to expose themselves to COVID as much as humanly possible. She has already got them to stop going to Costco by offering to buy them McDonalds french fries instead, and just last week she put her foot down and prevented them from going to their neighbours for an indoor dinner party, despite the vicious tantrum that ensued.
“I don’t mean to talk to the people that raised me like little kids,” said Mona. “But when you’re dealing with an irrational, emotionally immature person who keeps trying to do the equivalent of chasing a toy into the middle of a busy street, it just kind of comes out.”
If her parents refuse to see reason, Mona says she may have to bring out the big guns and take away their binky. Which in this case is a DVD box set of MASH.
Mona’s parents couldn’t be reached for comment as they were too busy wandering into a hardware store to browse while wearing a mask under their nose.
In related news the parents of a pre-teen boy have used the same calm language when telling him about the birds and the bees as they did explaining to his grandpa why yes, you can get COVID even if you had the polio vaccine.


thebeaverton--2020-11-19--Toby Keith, 3 Doors Down excited for invitation to play Biden inauguration

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Musician Toby Keith and rock band 3 Doors Down have both reported how excited they are to be playing for the inauguration of the next US president Joe Biden .
“ I mean it has to be us right ?
We played last time , ” said Brad Arnold , the lead singer for 3 Doors Down .
“ We know the layout , we know the crew who works there , just sort of makes the most sense.
” Toby Keith also shared his excitement on Instagram about the upcoming concert .
“ Very excited @ @ @ @ @ @ @ invitation to play Biden ’ s inauguration .
We tore the roof off 4 years ago in front of tens of people , and I can ’ t wait to relive that energy !
” The Biden administration has yet to officially respond to questions regarding the matter , which 3 Doors Down takes as a great sign .
“ The fact that they haven ’ t responded means it ’ s super obvious we ’ re being booked again and they think it ’ s silly to waste time confirming that , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Roberts .
“ Everybody wants to play for Biden , but I mean we are clearly the first choice to do that concert .
Sorry to everyone else .
We are obviously the best because we were chosen first , out of all the musical acts in the entire world , in 2016.
” Unofficial sources have stated that Biden has requested Van Halen , Janis Joplin , and The Coasters , though officials close to Biden do not have the heart to tell him that these artists are too old to play @ @ @

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Musician Toby Keith and rock band 3 Doors Down have both reported how excited they are to be playing for the inauguration of the next US president Joe Biden.
“I mean it has to be us right? We played last time,” said Brad Arnold, the lead singer for 3 Doors Down. “We know the layout, we know the crew who works there, just sort of makes the most sense.”
Toby Keith also shared his excitement on Instagram about the upcoming concert. “Very excited for the obviously soon-to-be in my hand invitation to play Biden’s inauguration. We tore the roof off 4 years ago in front of tens of people, and I can’t wait to relive that energy!”
The Biden administration has yet to officially respond to questions regarding the matter, which 3 Doors Down takes as a great sign. “The fact that they haven’t responded means it’s super obvious we’re being booked again and they think it’s silly to waste time confirming that,” said 3 Doors Down guitarist Chet Roberts. “Everybody wants to play for Biden, but I mean we are clearly the first choice to do that concert. Sorry to everyone else. We are obviously the best because we were chosen first, out of all the musical acts in the entire world, in 2016.”
Unofficial sources have stated that Biden has requested Van Halen, Janis Joplin, and The Coasters, though officials close to Biden do not have the heart to tell him that these artists are too old to play or dead.


thebeaverton--2020-11-19--Local man not going to take coronavirus seriously until family member lay dying in hospital bed

WINNIPEG – Calling it one big hoax , local man Glen Harder is refusing to take the COVID-19 pandemic until it affects a loved one or someone close to him .
The 42-year-old elevator technician made the announcement on a Facebook thread while complaining about masks requirements .
“ I ’ m only going to care when my 70-year-old mother is intubated in a crowded ICU as she dies alone , ” said Harder .
“ And this hasn ’ t happened to me yet , so I have no reason to believe that any of these anti-Covid laws is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ only show empathy to fellow human beings if those human beings are close blood-relatives or possibly an old friend .
Everyone else is “ old.
” “ If my brother passed away from respiratory failure , then I will absolutely acknowledge this as something more important than keeping restaurants open , ” said Harder .
“ But right now I ’ m furious that I can ’ t see a B movie in theatres and I have doctors telling me I should care about complete strangers .
That ’ s communism !
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reported a fever , but was going to visit his elderly relatives anyway .

WINNIPEG – Calling it one big hoax, local man Glen Harder is refusing to take the COVID-19 pandemic until it affects a loved one or someone close to him.
The 42-year-old elevator technician made the announcement on a Facebook thread while complaining about masks requirements.
“I’m only going to care when my 70-year-old mother is intubated in a crowded ICU as she dies alone,” said Harder. “And this hasn’t happened to me yet, so I have no reason to believe that any of these anti-Covid laws is necessary.”
Harder explained that he will only show empathy to fellow human beings if those human beings are close blood-relatives or possibly an old friend. Everyone else is “old.”
“If my brother passed away from respiratory failure, then I will absolutely acknowledge this as something more important than keeping restaurants open,” said Harder. “But right now I’m furious that I can’t see a B movie in theatres and I have doctors telling me I should care about complete strangers. That’s communism!”
At the time of publication, Harder reported a fever, but was going to visit his elderly relatives anyway.


thebeaverton--2020-11-20--The Crown blasted for repeated portrayal of Britain

UNITED KINGDOM – After the release of the fourth season of The Crown on Netflix , critics are slamming the show for it ’ s repeated depiction of Great Britain .
“ Ugh look at them lampooning ol ’ Margaret Thatcher and evangelizing Princess Diana , ” moaned Twitter user Justice4TheOA .
“ Oh God , now they ’ re showing us the inside of their houses , and now the streets outside their houses .
Look at that- a red telephone box !
I think I ’ m gon na be sick.
” In what many consider Netflix ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has remained steadfast in its mission to portray the UK , despite vehement protest from viewers .
“ We ’ ve had our fill of England or Brexit or whatever they call themselves these days , ” wrote TV critic Hannah Sommersby of The New Yorker .
“ How many more Peter Morgan royal reenactments must we be subject to ?
First The Queen , then The Crown , what ’ s next The Limited Edition Princess Diana Beanie Baby ?
!
” While some avid royal enthusiasts bristle at the show ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ largest group of naysayers are upset to be shown any part of the UK ’ s rainy , dreary , miserable countryside .
A representative from the show commented , “ We recognize and appreciate that many viewers believe we are ‘ colonizing ’ their streaming service , however we ’ re simply honouring the British way.
” The show is slated to begin production on the fifth season this month .
The upcoming season will cover the 90s , which is notoriously known to be one of the most uneventful decades in @ @ @ @

UNITED KINGDOM – After the release of the fourth season of The Crown on Netflix, critics are slamming the show for it’s repeated depiction of Great Britain.
“Ugh look at them lampooning ol’ Margaret Thatcher and evangelizing Princess Diana,” moaned Twitter user Justice4TheOA. “Oh God, now they’re showing us the inside of their houses, and now the streets outside their houses. Look at that- a red telephone box! I think I’m gonna be sick.”
In what many consider Netflix’s most controversial show, The Crown has remained steadfast in its mission to portray the UK, despite vehement protest from viewers.
“We’ve had our fill of England or Brexit or whatever they call themselves these days,” wrote TV critic Hannah Sommersby of The New Yorker. “How many more Peter Morgan royal reenactments must we be subject to? First The Queen, then The Crown, what’s next The Limited Edition Princess Diana Beanie Baby?!”
While some avid royal enthusiasts bristle at the show’s editorializing of real events, the largest group of naysayers are upset to be shown any part of the UK’s rainy, dreary, miserable countryside.
A representative from the show commented, “We recognize and appreciate that many viewers believe we are ‘colonizing’ their streaming service, however we’re simply honouring the British way.”
The show is slated to begin production on the fifth season this month. The upcoming season will cover the 90s, which is notoriously known to be one of the most uneventful decades in the Royal Family.


thebeaverton--2020-11-20--Trudeau: If Canadians keep us in power for thirty more years, we promise to eventually do something

Trudeau: If Canadians keep us in power for thirty more years, we promise to eventually do something about the environment

OTTAWA – The Liberal government has tabled their new Net-Zero Emissions Accountability Act in the House of Commons , finally coming through on their often cited election promise to do something about Canada ’ s emissions at some point in the future assuming they are kept in power up to that point .
“ Starting in 2030 , this government will begin to take steps to make targets that we will attempt to meet , ” Trudeau said when announcing Bill C-12 .
“ And if the Liberals are no longer in power at that point , well , there @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will stick to our ambitious plan to plan to lower this country ’ s emissions starting in ten years or maybe sometime after that.
” “ We know Canadians are tired of watching successive federal governments set hard goals for lowering emissions then break them , so we think the best way for this government to deal with the issue of climate change is to stop making hard goals and take a softer approach , ” Trudeau said .
“ You can ’ t miss a target you never set.
” Since climate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has only a decade to make systemic changes to keep the planet from warming more than 2 degrees , environmentalists who have examined Bill C-12 say it would be “ too little too late ” if it actually promised too little , but since there are no real targets in the bill other than net-zero emissions by 2050 and no plans for achieving that very far away target , it ’ s technically best described as “ unknown quantity too late.
” “ For too long Canadian politicians have kicked the climate change @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and that shirking of responsibility is at an end if Canadians just agree to keep us in power so we can continue to kick that can down the road to ourselves , ” Trudeau concluded .
The environment was unable to be reached for comment because it is currently in the middle of a spiralling crisis that will only get catastrophically worse .

OTTAWA – The Liberal government has tabled their new Net-Zero Emissions Accountability Act in the House of Commons, finally coming through on their often cited election promise to do something about Canada’s emissions at some point in the future assuming they are kept in power up to that point.
“Starting in 2030, this government will begin to take steps to make targets that we will attempt to meet,” Trudeau said when announcing Bill C-12. “And if the Liberals are no longer in power at that point, well, there’s no guarantee the next government will stick to our ambitious plan to plan to lower this country’s emissions starting in ten years or maybe sometime after that.”
“We know Canadians are tired of watching successive federal governments set hard goals for lowering emissions then break them, so we think the best way for this government to deal with the issue of climate change is to stop making hard goals and take a softer approach,” Trudeau said. “You can’t miss a target you never set.”
Since climate change experts contend that human society has only a decade to make systemic changes to keep the planet from warming more than 2 degrees, environmentalists who have examined Bill C-12 say it would be “too little too late” if it actually promised too little, but since there are no real targets in the bill other than net-zero emissions by 2050 and no plans for achieving that very far away target, it’s technically best described as “unknown quantity too late.”
“For too long Canadian politicians have kicked the climate change can down the road to future governments, and that shirking of responsibility is at an end if Canadians just agree to keep us in power so we can continue to kick that can down the road to ourselves,” Trudeau concluded.
The environment was unable to be reached for comment because it is currently in the middle of a spiralling crisis that will only get catastrophically worse.


thebeaverton--2020-11-20--Attempted coup in global superpower much goofier than expected

WASHINGTON D.C. – The current attempt by Donald Trump and his Republican allies to subvert the will of the people and remain in power is , according to international observers , “ way stupider ” than expected for a country as powerful as America .
“ When you hear the words ‘ coup d ’ etat ’ you think tanks rolling down the street , not crappy black hair dye rolling down Rudy Giuliani ’ s face , ” said historian Glenn Rabbior .
“ Even accounting for the fact that our version of Napoleon Bonaparte is Donald fucking Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it to be this dumb.
” “ I mean the Four Seasons Landscaping thing alone .
You think Gaddafi or Lenin would have done something that absurd ?
” As the dominant western superpower and leading military force in the world , most assumed the inevitable crumbling of American democracy would come with a bang , not a series of court cases that alleged fraud in Michigan because the lawyers confused the state ’ s returns with ones from Minnesota .
“ Turns out our brilliant constitutional provisions on transition and elections depend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ believe an already debunked tweet about dead people voting in Georgia , ” said legal analyst Cecil Martin .
Despite how ridiculous things have already gotten there is still time for Trump to make things even stupider between now and inauguration day .
He could try to hide in one of the White House closets so the Secret Service can ’ t force him to leave .
Or he could try to brainwash the electoral college voters into voting for him using a pocket watch and a Beginner ’ s Guide to Hypnosis @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this is the most idiotic coup that has ever been attempted , ” added Rabbior .
“ And I fully expect it will work .
Why ?
Because it ’ s America .
It ’ s 2020 .
And nothing matters .
”

WASHINGTON D.C. – The current attempt by Donald Trump and his Republican allies to subvert the will of the people and remain in power is, according to international observers, “way stupider” than expected for a country as powerful as America.
“When you hear the words ‘coup d’etat’ you think tanks rolling down the street, not crappy black hair dye rolling down Rudy Giuliani’s face,” said historian Glenn Rabbior. “Even accounting for the fact that our version of Napoleon Bonaparte is Donald fucking Trump, I still didn’t expect it to be this dumb.”
“I mean the Four Seasons Landscaping thing alone. You think Gaddafi or Lenin would have done something that absurd?”
As the dominant western superpower and leading military force in the world, most assumed the inevitable crumbling of American democracy would come with a bang, not a series of court cases that alleged fraud in Michigan because the lawyers confused the state’s returns with ones from Minnesota.
“Turns out our brilliant constitutional provisions on transition and elections depend a lot on people not choosing to believe an already debunked tweet about dead people voting in Georgia,” said legal analyst Cecil Martin.
Despite how ridiculous things have already gotten there is still time for Trump to make things even stupider between now and inauguration day. He could try to hide in one of the White House closets so the Secret Service can’t force him to leave. Or he could try to brainwash the electoral college voters into voting for him using a pocket watch and a Beginner’s Guide to Hypnosis book he just bought.
“Sincerely this is the most idiotic coup that has ever been attempted,” added Rabbior. “And I fully expect it will work. Why? Because it’s America. It’s 2020. And nothing matters.”


thebeaverton--2020-11-21--Secular Quebec encourages non-Christians to temporarily convert to celebrate Christmas

QUEBEC – Quebec Premier Francois Legault is calling upon the province ’ s religious minority communities to temporarily convert to celebrate the lifting of COVID-19 restrictions .
Gatherings of 10 people will be permitted between December 24-27 and the non-religious government has asked everyone to hunker down in anticipation of one of the most important days on the Christian calendar .
“ Jews can see their family so long as they betray their beliefs for three days and acknowledge Jesus as the son of God , ” said Legault .
“ But it will give you an excuse to see @ @ @ @ @ @ @ see a week earlier for Hanukkah.
” The premier said that there ’ s many different kinds of churches to convert to including Catholicism and Protestantism , but not Eastern Orthodox .
Officials said that coronavirus won ’ t infect anyone during the Christmas period since it ’ s a God-fearing virus .
“ You can make the quick switch back to whatever it is you believe on December 28th , ” continued Legault , “ unless you believe that you have a right to wear a hijab.
” Meanwhile , children will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Santa died in a Quebec long-term care home during the pandemic ’ s first wave .

QUEBEC – Quebec Premier Francois Legault is calling upon the province’s religious minority communities to temporarily convert to celebrate the lifting of COVID-19 restrictions.
Gatherings of 10 people will be permitted between December 24-27 and the non-religious government has asked everyone to hunker down in anticipation of one of the most important days on the Christian calendar.
“Jews can see their family so long as they betray their beliefs for three days and acknowledge Jesus as the son of God,” said Legault. “But it will give you an excuse to see your family who you couldn’t see a week earlier for Hanukkah.”
The premier said that there’s many different kinds of churches to convert to including Catholicism and Protestantism, but not Eastern Orthodox.
Officials said that coronavirus won’t infect anyone during the Christmas period since it’s a God-fearing virus.
“You can make the quick switch back to whatever it is you believe on December 28th,” continued Legault, “unless you believe that you have a right to wear a hijab.”
Meanwhile, children will be disappointed to learn that the real Santa died in a Quebec long-term care home during the pandemic’s first wave.


thebeaverton--2020-11-21--Alberta doesn’t understand why it needs a mask mandate if the provinces around it have mask mandates

EDMONTON – The government of Alberta is relieved that since B.C .
and Saskatchewan have finally implemented long-awaited mask mandates to help stop the spread of COVID-19 , Alberta can now avoid their own since the provinces that surround it are taking care of the whole mask issue .
“ We ’ ve been told over and over that masks protect others , not yourself , which means that Alberta couldn ’ t hope for better protection than to be sandwiched between two masked provinces , ” said Alberta Premier Jason Kenney .
“ We ’ re covered now.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mask mandates , the Alberta government has been reluctant to undertake a province-wide mask requirement , initially due to concerns about if it would even be possible to cover that much territory with a fabric mask and whether it would cause all the plants to die by blocking out the sun .
Once the pro-mask lobby specified that they were asking that the province create a mask mandate that would only apply to individual humans , Alberta ’ s opposition to it pivoted into an argument about personal autonomy .
“ If other @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that ’ s their business .
But I ’ m not going to deprive Albertans of the long cherished Alberta tradition of breathing directly onto others in enclosed public locations , ” Kenney said .
At press time , Alberta had just realized it also shares a border with the United States .

EDMONTON – The government of Alberta is relieved that since B.C. and Saskatchewan have finally implemented long-awaited mask mandates to help stop the spread of COVID-19, Alberta can now avoid their own since the provinces that surround it are taking care of the whole mask issue.
“We’ve been told over and over that masks protect others, not yourself, which means that Alberta couldn’t hope for better protection than to be sandwiched between two masked provinces,” said Alberta Premier Jason Kenney. “We’re covered now.”
While Calgary, Edmonton and Banff have mask mandates, the Alberta government has been reluctant to undertake a province-wide mask requirement, initially due to concerns about if it would even be possible to cover that much territory with a fabric mask and whether it would cause all the plants to die by blocking out the sun.
Once the pro-mask lobby specified that they were asking that the province create a mask mandate that would only apply to individual humans, Alberta’s opposition to it pivoted into an argument about personal autonomy.
“If other provinces want to implement mask mandates, that’s their business. But I’m not going to deprive Albertans of the long cherished Alberta tradition of breathing directly onto others in enclosed public locations,” Kenney said.
At press time, Alberta had just realized it also shares a border with the United States.


thebeaverton--2020-11-22--Local child living in sewers feels misled by Ninja Turtles

WINNIPEG – Former elementary school student Rowan Bird has been living in the sewers for several months , and feels that the popular franchise Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has deceived him as to the viability of a sewer-based lifestyle .
Bird , who ran away from home after his parents were ‘ mean to him , ’ decided to make his new home in the sewers near his house after considering the vibrant underground lives led by his favourite reptilian idols .
Once he settled in , he realized that actual sewer life is a bit different than what he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t order pizza in the sewers , for one thing , ” explained the 9 year-old .
“ You need an address that they can deliver the pizza to .
Also , everything is damp , smells like poop , and I haven ’ t slept in weeks.
” Rowan realized he was in trouble his first night in the sewers , when he was visited by several dozen rats , none of whom could talk , or teach him the ways of the ninja .
“ The bright side is , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of any members of the Foot Clan at all , let alone Shredder , who I have nightmares about , ” said Bird .
“ Or I did have nightmares about , before I moved into the sewers .
Did I mention I haven ’ t slept in three months ?
” Rowan ’ s parents , Norman and Sheila , are pursuing legal action against Viacom , who owns the rights to the fictional martial-arts characters .
“ They should have warnings , on every comic book , every movie , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ go live in the sewers !
’ ” said Sheila .
“ The creators of these sewer turtles are highly irresponsible , and have caused great harm in our family and probably many other families as well.
” Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird , the creators of the franchise , have expressed concern for Rowan and released a public statement with a warning to children that “ sewers are not a practical habitat for human life , and living in the sewers should only be attempted by genuine turtles who have been flushed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ooze , and grown to human size.
” Despite the harsh conditions , Rowan has vowed to remain in the sewers until either his parents apologize , or he is kidnapped by Bebop and Rocksteady and brought to live with Krang in Dimension X .

WINNIPEG – Former elementary school student Rowan Bird has been living in the sewers for several months, and feels that the popular franchise Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has deceived him as to the viability of a sewer-based lifestyle.
Bird, who ran away from home after his parents were ‘mean to him,’ decided to make his new home in the sewers near his house after considering the vibrant underground lives led by his favourite reptilian idols. Once he settled in, he realized that actual sewer life is a bit different than what he saw on television.
“You can’t order pizza in the sewers, for one thing,” explained the 9 year-old. “You need an address that they can deliver the pizza to. Also, everything is damp, smells like poop, and I haven’t slept in weeks.”
Rowan realized he was in trouble his first night in the sewers, when he was visited by several dozen rats, none of whom could talk, or teach him the ways of the ninja.
“The bright side is, I haven’t seen any signs of any members of the Foot Clan at all, let alone Shredder, who I have nightmares about,” said Bird. “Or I did have nightmares about, before I moved into the sewers. Did I mention I haven’t slept in three months?”
Rowan’s parents, Norman and Sheila, are pursuing legal action against Viacom, who owns the rights to the fictional martial-arts characters.
“They should have warnings, on every comic book, every movie, and every toy: ‘Don’t go live in the sewers!’” said Sheila. “The creators of these sewer turtles are highly irresponsible, and have caused great harm in our family and probably many other families as well.”
Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird, the creators of the franchise, have expressed concern for Rowan and released a public statement with a warning to children that “sewers are not a practical habitat for human life, and living in the sewers should only be attempted by genuine turtles who have been flushed down the toilet, exposed to some ooze, and grown to human size.”
Despite the harsh conditions, Rowan has vowed to remain in the sewers until either his parents apologize, or he is kidnapped by Bebop and Rocksteady and brought to live with Krang in Dimension X.


thebeaverton--2020-11-22--Torontonians flock to malls to get vital supplies of COVID before they close

TORONTO – With a lockdown looming Monday Torontonians have flooded malls and non-essential retail shops in order to stock up on needed COVID exposure .
“ I know grocery stores , pharmacies and even the beer store will remain open , but I really thought it was important to drive to Yorkdale during a snowstorm , ” said local man Harris Carney , currently in the middle of a 50 minute long quest to find parking .
“ I just don ’ t know where else I ’ m going to be able to get such a large amount of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ general direction.
” Carney was far from alone in his quest .
Thousands of people have been venturing out to Yorkdale , The Eaton Centre and Scarborough Town Centre ever since Doug Ford announced the lockdown measures , all in hopes of acquiring ( and spreading ) as much COVID as possible .
“ Unfortunately my wife and kids couldn ’ t come , ” said Mitch Waite as he loaded up his trunk with essential Indigo throw pillows and Old Navy board shorts .
“ But fortunately , I think I got @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Honestly I ’ m just here to browse .
But if I see some COVID I like I might pick it up , ” said Monica Fletcher , mask placed perfectly under her nose .
Yorkdale was forced to extend its hours Saturday night to ensure that everyone who wanted COVID could get some , and give it to all the staff still forced to come in to work .
Unfortunately , despite the rush , that one store that only sells confusingly shaped Danish furniture still had not made a @ @

TORONTO – With a lockdown looming Monday Torontonians have flooded malls and non-essential retail shops in order to stock up on needed COVID exposure.
“I know grocery stores, pharmacies and even the beer store will remain open, but I really thought it was important to drive to Yorkdale during a snowstorm,” said local man Harris Carney, currently in the middle of a 50 minute long quest to find parking. “I just don’t know where else I’m going to be able to get such a large amount of likely infected air particles directed in my general direction.”
“Plus: New York Fries!” he added.
Carney was far from alone in his quest. Thousands of people have been venturing out to Yorkdale, The Eaton Centre and Scarborough Town Centre ever since Doug Ford announced the lockdown measures, all in hopes of acquiring (and spreading) as much COVID as possible.
“Unfortunately my wife and kids couldn’t come,” said Mitch Waite as he loaded up his trunk with essential Indigo throw pillows and Old Navy board shorts. “But fortunately, I think I got enough COVID to bring back for them.”
“Honestly I’m just here to browse. But if I see some COVID I like I might pick it up,” said Monica Fletcher, mask placed perfectly under her nose.
Yorkdale was forced to extend its hours Saturday night to ensure that everyone who wanted COVID could get some, and give it to all the staff still forced to come in to work.
Unfortunately, despite the rush, that one store that only sells confusingly shaped Danish furniture still had not made a sale.


thebeaverton--2020-11-23--REPORT: Couples most successful at quarantining when one a master of disguise

CALGARY – According to a new study from the University of Calgary ’ s Sociology Department , during the 2020 global pandemic the couples having the most success cohabitating are those where one or more partners are a masterfully adept at assuming multiple , colourful identities .
“ With the looming second wave and dreary winter it can be tough sheltering in place with the same person day after day , ” explained lead researcher Dr. Sharjil James .
“ That is why couples find it much easier when one of them can , at the drop of at hat @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , renowned international gentleman thief , or perhaps Crabtree Gus , the quirky railway caretaker with a penchant for tall tales.
” “ Clearly the only way to relieve the pressures of spending all day together during the pandemic is for one partner to shift effortlessly between an endless panoply of whimsical disguises , with even more outrageous wigs and moustaches , ” explained Dr. Jones .
While research into the psychological effects of self-isolation during the 2020 COVID pandemic remains preliminary , U of C ’ s team has seen positive results @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they are terming “ The Doubtfire Effect ” .
Researchers are confident that pressures within any cohabitation scenario were significantly relieved provided one partner could spontaneously emerge from the washroom wearing a theatrical cape and adopting a curious Eastern European accent .
“ I was nervous about how we ’ d just moved in together before the pandemic hit , ” explained Michael Wong , a local court reporter , “ But the fact that Emily is an expert level master of disguise has saved our relationship .
It ’ s like I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rich coterie of fascinating individuals , or at the very least , the cast of a pretty good one woman Fringe show.
” Wong proceeded to run down the dozens of unique and mysterious personas that his girlfriend cycles through on a daily basis , including : Dame Marjorie Shenk , Mrs. Rapelli the saucy landlady , Dr. Fantastico Phd , a precocious Australian schoolboy named Malcolm , and one time “ disguising herself like the wallpaper and blending in ” to give her boyfriend the feeling of being home alone for a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is how often Emily takes in the bathroom removing all the spirit gum , ” Wong added .
“ Oh , and I thought it would spice up our sex life , but it ’ s actually made it super weird.
” At the end of the study , researchers concluded that couples where at least one member is a master of disguise saw outcomes 80 % more positive than other quarantining couples .
However , researchers warned against those living alone attempting a lifestyle of disguise and illusion , as outcomes were @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a related story , U of C researchers are eager to publicize their findings , though have politely refused an offer from Prime Minister Justin Trudeau to demonstrate the benefits of “ fun disguises ” during one of his televised press briefings .

CALGARY – According to a new study from the University of Calgary’s Sociology Department, during the 2020 global pandemic the couples having the most success cohabitating are those where one or more partners are a masterfully adept at assuming multiple, colourful identities.
“With the looming second wave and dreary winter it can be tough sheltering in place with the same person day after day,” explained lead researcher Dr. Sharjil James. “That is why couples find it much easier when one of them can, at the drop of at hat, transform themselves into Baron Von Richtnehoffer, renowned international gentleman thief, or perhaps Crabtree Gus, the quirky railway caretaker with a penchant for tall tales.”
“Clearly the only way to relieve the pressures of spending all day together during the pandemic is for one partner to shift effortlessly between an endless panoply of whimsical disguises, with even more outrageous wigs and moustaches,” explained Dr. Jones.
While research into the psychological effects of self-isolation during the 2020 COVID pandemic remains preliminary, U of C’s team has seen positive results from the at-home disguise strategy, which they are terming “The Doubtfire Effect”. Researchers are confident that pressures within any cohabitation scenario were significantly relieved provided one partner could spontaneously emerge from the washroom wearing a theatrical cape and adopting a curious Eastern European accent.
“I was nervous about how we’d just moved in together before the pandemic hit,” explained Michael Wong, a local court reporter, “But the fact that Emily is an expert level master of disguise has saved our relationship. It’s like I’m quarantining at home with a rich coterie of fascinating individuals, or at the very least, the cast of a pretty good one woman Fringe show.”
Wong proceeded to run down the dozens of unique and mysterious personas that his girlfriend cycles through on a daily basis, including: Dame Marjorie Shenk, Mrs. Rapelli the saucy landlady, Dr. Fantastico Phd, a precocious Australian schoolboy named Malcolm, and one time “disguising herself like the wallpaper and blending in” to give her boyfriend the feeling of being home alone for a while.
“The only real drawback is how often Emily takes in the bathroom removing all the spirit gum,” Wong added. “Oh, and I thought it would spice up our sex life, but it’s actually made it super weird.”
At the end of the study, researchers concluded that couples where at least one member is a master of disguise saw outcomes 80% more positive than other quarantining couples. However, researchers warned against those living alone attempting a lifestyle of disguise and illusion, as outcomes were “actually pretty sad”.
In a related story, U of C researchers are eager to publicize their findings, though have politely refused an offer from Prime Minister Justin Trudeau to demonstrate the benefits of “fun disguises” during one of his televised press briefings.


thebeaverton--2020-11-23--Man graduates from university application process

STRATFORD , ON – After an eternal time studying , countless hours researching articles on the nation ’ s schools , coordinating multiple reviews of student experiences , and many sleepless nights , 26-year-old Darren Ratner has finally graduated from the university application process .
The journey began when Ratner first officially looked into schools in the distant time of two months ago .
“ I started looking at a couple schools seriously , ” said a jittery Ratner over his sixth Red Bull .
“ One of them had a minimum average , which was fine , but I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so I wasn ’ t sure what they took into account from that .
Another required an additional recommendation from people who worked in the field… before you know it I had written a 12-page essay of notes , and began formulating my thesis on how to go to a post-secondary education.
” Prospective students around the country have been doing similarly extensive application programs , choosing their life ’ s path of getting to the point where they can choose their life ’ s path , with a surprising 23 % drop-out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I almost gave up hope a few times , turns out the OUAC website doesn ’ t even have an extension for college programs… I figured that out about halfway through hour nine… that was pretty hard .
Seriously though , two completely separate websites for colleges and universities ?
Without even a joint account option ?
What the fuck ?
” Ratner continued .
The overwhelmed student-to-be also spoke of the financial hardships that came with his graduation , including a $ 500 , non-refundable fee that came with the program , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has no bearing on the actual considerations .
Looking to the future , Ratner announced his plans to enrol in a Masters program of going to the university ’ s individual websites to add supplementary information .
A process that is projected to have an alcohol consumption rate equal to that of a two year MA .

STRATFORD, ON – After an eternal time studying, countless hours researching articles on the nation’s schools, coordinating multiple reviews of student experiences, and many sleepless nights, 26-year-old Darren Ratner has finally graduated from the university application process.
The journey began when Ratner first officially looked into schools in the distant time of two months ago.
“I started looking at a couple schools seriously,” said a jittery Ratner over his sixth Red Bull. “One of them had a minimum average, which was fine, but I attended a college after high school, so I wasn’t sure what they took into account from that. Another required an additional recommendation from people who worked in the field… before you know it I had written a 12-page essay of notes, and began formulating my thesis on how to go to a post-secondary education.”
Prospective students around the country have been doing similarly extensive application programs, choosing their life’s path of getting to the point where they can choose their life’s path, with a surprising 23% drop-out rate from the prospective student-students.
“I almost gave up hope a few times, turns out the OUAC website doesn’t even have an extension for college programs… I figured that out about halfway through hour nine… that was pretty hard. Seriously though, two completely separate websites for colleges and universities? Without even a joint account option? What the fuck?” Ratner continued.
The overwhelmed student-to-be also spoke of the financial hardships that came with his graduation, including a $500, non-refundable fee that came with the program, a non-negotiable part of the process which has no bearing on the actual considerations.
Looking to the future, Ratner announced his plans to enrol in a Masters program of going to the university’s individual websites to add supplementary information. A process that is projected to have an alcohol consumption rate equal to that of a two year MA.