thebeaverton--2020-07-03--Disney’s Splash Mountain loses coveted title of 4th most racist mountain in America

Orlando , FL – Disney ’ s Splash Mountain has lost its official designation of the 4th most racist mountain in America after the company unveiled plans to re-theme the attraction this week .
“ From our perspective , this is a huge loss for Disney , ” said Hersh Clemens , editor of the magazine who publishes the list , Hateful Geologist Monthly .
“ Our readers love two things : racism and mountains .
Certainly you could argue that Disney still has several “ mountain ” attractions , and sure , there ’ s broad stereotyping in it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s simply not enough.
” Splash Mountain debuted on the list of America ’ s most racist mountains thanks to its IP source Song of the South , a 1946 film that asks “ what if slaves liked being slaves ?
” The ride opened 43 years later in 1989 , after Imagineers were dared to build a ride based on the oldest and most problematic thing they could find in the Disney Vault .
“ It was a huge boon for American racists , ” said Clemens .
“ There @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can go to our ‘ Top 3 ’ : Stone Mountain , Mount Rushmore , and the secret mountain in the Appalachians where the KKK trains to defeat ANTIFA .
We finally had media representation – a place where you could take your kids , cover them with stinky water , and teach them the 14 words .
That ’ s gone now.
” Splash Mountain ’ s coveted number 4 position on the list will be taken over by Washington ’ s Mt .
Rainier , a stratovolcano previously thought to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ blackface on a lost episode of Frasier .
While Disney may have fallen out of favour amongst prejudiced fans of mountains , many hatemongers argue that Disney ’ s status as a premier racist tourist destination is redeemable even without Splash Mountain .
Some cite the questionable accents of the birds in The Enchanted Tiki Room , while others flash their family photos in front of Main Street ’ s Cigar Store Indian .
And of course , Donald Trump ’ s presence in The Hall of Presidents remains a huge draw for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as much as they hate other races .
But for Clemens , it ’ s not enough .
“ Disney will never see another dime of my money , ” said Clemens .
“ To them , I say : good luck finding another sucker to buy a 3-day Park Hopper pass every 5 years .
I ’ m all about the minions now .
”

Orlando, FL – Disney’s Splash Mountain has lost its official designation of the 4th most racist mountain in America after the company unveiled plans to re-theme the attraction this week.
“From our perspective, this is a huge loss for Disney,” said Hersh Clemens, editor of the magazine who publishes the list, Hateful Geologist Monthly. “Our readers love two things: racism and mountains. Certainly you could argue that Disney still has several “mountain” attractions, and sure, there’s broad stereotyping in it’s a small world, but it’s simply not enough.”
Splash Mountain debuted on the list of America’s most racist mountains thanks to its IP source Song of the South, a 1946 film that asks “what if slaves liked being slaves?” The ride opened 43 years later in 1989, after Imagineers were dared to build a ride based on the oldest and most problematic thing they could find in the Disney Vault.
“It was a huge boon for American racists,” said Clemens. “There’s only so many times you can go to our ‘Top 3’: Stone Mountain, Mount Rushmore, and the secret mountain in the Appalachians where the KKK trains to defeat ANTIFA. We finally had media representation – a place where you could take your kids, cover them with stinky water, and teach them the 14 words. That’s gone now.”
Splash Mountain’s coveted number 4 position on the list will be taken over by Washington’s Mt. Rainier, a stratovolcano previously thought to be progressive until tapes emerged of it in blackface on a lost episode of Frasier.
While Disney may have fallen out of favour amongst prejudiced fans of mountains, many hatemongers argue that Disney’s status as a premier racist tourist destination is redeemable even without Splash Mountain. Some cite the questionable accents of the birds in The Enchanted Tiki Room, while others flash their family photos in front of Main Street’s Cigar Store Indian. And of course, Donald Trump’s presence in The Hall of Presidents remains a huge draw for park visitors who hate having fun almost as much as they hate other races.
But for Clemens, it’s not enough.
“Disney will never see another dime of my money,” said Clemens. “To them, I say: good luck finding another sucker to buy a 3-day Park Hopper pass every 5 years. I’m all about the minions now.”


thebeaverton--2020-07-04--Black Lives Matter lawn sign is white neighbourhood’s most esteemed activist

OTTAWA — Residents of Westpointe , a suburban neighbourhood known for being very very white , are taking a stand against anti-Black racism thanks to a local activist they call “ the most distinguished voice on issues of systemic racism and racial injustice in our community ” : a Black Lives Matter lawn sign .
Martha Abbott , 56 , ordered the sign online after seeing someone post about it on social media .
She and her husband Joe have proudly displayed it on their front lawn for the past three weeks .
“ It ’ s been a gruelling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we could help .
So it was a huge relief to stick that sign in our yard , ” she said , pointing to her bungalow , which is tucked away on a secluded street .
“ It ’ s our way of saying ‘ We support Black rights ’ — without having to say anything at all !
” Since arriving in Westpointe , the lawn sign has been seen outside 24 hours a day , 7 days a week — rain or shine — spreading its message , which is printed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : “ We Stand Together # BLM # SPEAKUP.
” It wasn ’ t long before it gained notoriety as the area ’ s foremost authority on inequality , oppression and the Black Lives Matter movement .
“ It makes you think : Maybe I should donate .
Maybe I should join a protest .
And you know what maybe I will , ” said passerby Sam Johnson , looking over his shoulder to see if the lawn sign had heard him .
“ But not today .
I can ’ t today @ @ @ @ @ @ @ walk my dog and — oh — I promised my buddy we ’ d finish season 3 of Ozark .
Netflix Party is a total revolution.
” David Williams , a 63-year-old retiree , said he ’ s spent many long nights engaged in fiery debates with the Black Lives Matter lawn sign .
“ There ’ s a lot we disagree on , but I ’ m first to admit that sign knows its stuff , ” he said .
“ I haven ’ t seen this much passion since the ‘ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ strolled into town 42 years ago.
” Next week , Mayor Jim Watson is expected to present the lawn sign with a Key to the City in recognition of its outstanding social justice work .

OTTAWA — Residents of Westpointe, a suburban neighbourhood known for being very very white, are taking a stand against anti-Black racism thanks to a local activist they call “the most distinguished voice on issues of systemic racism and racial injustice in our community”: a Black Lives Matter lawn sign.
Martha Abbott, 56, ordered the sign online after seeing someone post about it on social media. She and her husband Joe have proudly displayed it on their front lawn for the past three weeks.
“It’s been a gruelling process, trying to figure out how we could help. So it was a huge relief to stick that sign in our yard,” she said, pointing to her bungalow, which is tucked away on a secluded street. “It’s our way of saying ‘We support Black rights’ — without having to say anything at all!”
Since arriving in Westpointe, the lawn sign has been seen outside 24 hours a day, 7 days a week — rain or shine — spreading its message, which is printed on both its front and back sides: “We Stand Together #BLM #SPEAKUP.” It wasn’t long before it gained notoriety as the area’s foremost authority on inequality, oppression and the Black Lives Matter movement.
“It makes you think: Maybe I should donate. Maybe I should join a protest. And you know what maybe I will,” said passerby Sam Johnson, looking over his shoulder to see if the lawn sign had heard him. “But not today. I can’t today. I have to, uh, walk my dog and — oh — I promised my buddy we’d finish season 3 of Ozark. Netflix Party is a total revolution.”
David Williams, a 63-year-old retiree, said he’s spent many long nights engaged in fiery debates with the Black Lives Matter lawn sign.
“There’s a lot we disagree on, but I’m first to admit that sign knows its stuff,” he said. “I haven’t seen this much passion since the ‘Slow Down, Children Playing’ sign strolled into town 42 years ago.”
Next week, Mayor Jim Watson is expected to present the lawn sign with a Key to the City in recognition of its outstanding social justice work.


thebeaverton--2020-07-05--Ethics watchdog to investigate Trudeau government giving $900 million to WWE

OTTAWA – Ethics Commissioner Mario Dion has begun investigating Prime Minister Justin Trudeau over the Liberals ’ choice to provide $ 900 million to WWE to administer the government ’ s summer student smackdown program .
The contract has been the target of suspicions ever since it was awarded due to possible links to the Hart family .
“ Canadians deserve a full investigation , ” stated opposition leader Andrew Scheer , “ and that is why the Ethics Commissioner needs to demand drug testing for the entire Liberal Party in order to determine the role that anabolic steroids may @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of a conflict of interest stem from the fact that WWE has long had a close relationship with the Trudeau family , from their promotion of Justin Trudeau ’ s boxing career to Sophie Gregoire-Trudeau ’ s podcast “ Blackout Bodyslam ” to Justin ’ s father ’ s wrestling persona Pirouetting Pierre , famous for his “ Just Watch Me ” tank attacks .
In an unlikely tag team , leaders of both the NDP and the Conservatives have vowed that this investigation will mark the end of Trudeau ’ s title @ @ @ @ @ @ @ announced that “ tonight , right here in this parliament building , you will witness the death of the Trudeau dynasty !
” Andrew Scheer punctuated Singh ’ s statement by ripping his shirt off and throwing a chair at the Speaker of the House of Commons .
Mario Dion has confirmed that the findings of his investigation will be determined by a one on one matchup between himself and Justin Trudeau to be broadcast live in a pay per view event .

OTTAWA – Ethics Commissioner Mario Dion has begun investigating Prime Minister Justin Trudeau over the Liberals’ choice to provide $900 million to WWE to administer the government’s summer student smackdown program. The contract has been the target of suspicions ever since it was awarded due to possible links to the Hart family.
“Canadians deserve a full investigation,” stated opposition leader Andrew Scheer, “and that is why the Ethics Commissioner needs to demand drug testing for the entire Liberal Party in order to determine the role that anabolic steroids may have played in this deal.”
Accusations of a conflict of interest stem from the fact that WWE has long had a close relationship with the Trudeau family, from their promotion of Justin Trudeau’s boxing career to Sophie Gregoire-Trudeau’s podcast “Blackout Bodyslam” to Justin’s father’s wrestling persona Pirouetting Pierre, famous for his “Just Watch Me” tank attacks.
In an unlikely tag team, leaders of both the NDP and the Conservatives have vowed that this investigation will mark the end of Trudeau’s title as Prime Minister. Jagmeet Singh has announced that “tonight, right here in this parliament building, you will witness the death of the Trudeau dynasty!” Andrew Scheer punctuated Singh’s statement by ripping his shirt off and throwing a chair at the Speaker of the House of Commons.
Mario Dion has confirmed that the findings of his investigation will be determined by a one on one matchup between himself and Justin Trudeau to be broadcast live in a pay per view event.


thebeaverton--2020-07-05--Edmonton CFL team doubles down by adding Confederate flag

EDMONTON – Expressing their contempt for what they call “ football-hating social justice warriors , ” Edmonton Eskimos management have @ @ @ @ @ their logo .
Management explained the rebel flag represents the team ’ s stalwart stand @ @ @ @ @ culture is more than a novelty item .
“ Don ’ t like that either @ @ @ @ @ ’ s research and engagement program leader Larry Gurch to members of the media .
@ @ @ @ @ then .
We ’ ll add a swastika too.
” Edmonton ’ s team claimed @ @ @ @ @ or new symbol of slavery and systematic racism was not offensive after reaching out to @ @ @ @ @ sponsor community .
“ You can ’ t erase the Edmonton Eskimos proud history of @ @ @ @ @ present of settler colonialism , ” added Gurch .

EDMONTON – Expressing their contempt for what they call “football-hating social justice warriors,” Edmonton Eskimos management have added a Confederate flag to their logo.
Management explained the rebel flag represents the team’s stalwart stand against those who think Indigenous culture is more than a novelty item.
“Don’t like that either?” asked the team’s research and engagement program leader Larry Gurch to members of the media. “Well, fuck you then. We’ll add a swastika too.”
Edmonton’s team claimed the club’s name or new symbol of slavery and systematic racism was not offensive after reaching out to diverse members of the corporate sponsor community.
“You can’t erase the Edmonton Eskimos proud history of settler colonialism and its proud present of settler colonialism,” added Gurch.


thebeaverton--2020-07-06--Trudeau punishes UN by sending them most boring ambassador he could think of

OTTAWA – Following the UN decision to not give Canada the Security Council seat Justin Trudeau spent years campaigning for , Trudeau has responded by naming Bob Rae , the least exciting ambassador he could possibly come up with , as a form of retaliation .
“ The best revenge may be living well , but forcing some who has wronged you to have to deal , day in and day out , with a bland white centrist in his 70s who has spent nearly half a century in Canadian politics is a close second , ” Trudeau said as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I mean , sure , he was involved in some mildly exciting stuff 30 years ago when he was premier of… I wan na say Ontario ?
But that was a long time ago .
And if there ’ s one thing no one wants to hear , it ’ s stories about decades-old Canadian provincial politics .
I ’ ve ordered him to tell those stories to everyone he speaks to at the UN as a required part of his job.
” Trudeau said he considered naming someone highly irritating as Canada @ @ @ @ @ @ @ someone uninteresting was a better choice because an irritating person can cause those around them to band together in solidarity and even provide occasional levity , while there is no defence against a boring individual .
“ Did you know Bob Rae was interim leader of the Liberals for two years ?
Even I didn ’ t know that , and I took over the job from him .
When I told the UN he was our new ambassador , they thought I ’ d made up the name on the spur of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of George Glass , ” Trudeau said , rubbing his hands together maliciously .
“ He ’ s perfect.
” “ Those jerks think they can humiliate me ?
They ’ re about to experience all my spite wrapped up in a boomer white male package .
My wrath has a colour , and that colour is beige , motherfuckers.
” When asked for a comment , Bob Rae was unable to respond because we kept forgetting who we were supposed to be contacting and wound up calling Dalton McGuinty .

OTTAWA – Following the UN decision to not give Canada the Security Council seat Justin Trudeau spent years campaigning for, Trudeau has responded by naming Bob Rae, the least exciting ambassador he could possibly come up with, as a form of retaliation.
“The best revenge may be living well, but forcing some who has wronged you to have to deal, day in and day out, with a bland white centrist in his 70s who has spent nearly half a century in Canadian politics is a close second,” Trudeau said as he announced his vengeful decision.
“I mean, sure, he was involved in some mildly exciting stuff 30 years ago when he was premier of… I wanna say Ontario? But that was a long time ago. And if there’s one thing no one wants to hear, it’s stories about decades-old Canadian provincial politics. I’ve ordered him to tell those stories to everyone he speaks to at the UN as a required part of his job.”
Trudeau said he considered naming someone highly irritating as Canada’s UN ambassador, but decided someone uninteresting was a better choice because an irritating person can cause those around them to band together in solidarity and even provide occasional levity, while there is no defence against a boring individual.
“Did you know Bob Rae was interim leader of the Liberals for two years? Even I didn’t know that, and I took over the job from him. When I told the UN he was our new ambassador, they thought I’d made up the name on the spur of the moment, like a Canadian version of George Glass,” Trudeau said, rubbing his hands together maliciously. “He’s perfect.”
“Those jerks think they can humiliate me? They’re about to experience all my spite wrapped up in a boomer white male package. My wrath has a colour, and that colour is beige, motherfuckers.”
When asked for a comment, Bob Rae was unable to respond because we kept forgetting who we were supposed to be contacting and wound up calling Dalton McGuinty.


thebeaverton--2020-07-06--Fruit fly just wants to suck and fuck on your watermelon rinds

KITCHENER , ON – A notorious fruit fly that has been pestering the home of a local couple , has finally been captured early this morning .
When his motives were questioned , the fruit fly simply said he wanted to “ suck and fuck.
” “ If I ’ m lucky , my lifespan is 50 days .
So I like to live by the mantra ‘ here for a good time , not a long time , ’ ” buzzed the promiscuous winged bug .
“ It ’ s not like they were gon na eat those rotting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my guy !
” The little insect in question has single-handedly been responsible for the exponential growth in the fruit fly population residing in Nicolette and Imani ’ s kitchen .
The fly has been fruitfully spreading his tiny seed at an alarming rate by wining and dining , followed by dating and mating every single fruit fly he has encountered to date .
“ I came into this world with only one objective- to have my mouth full at all times .
Whether that ’ s a mouthful of discarded produce or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s all the same to me , ” said the D. melanogaster while rubbing his legs together .
“ I guess you could say my world philosophy aligns with Epicurean hedonism , baby.
” “ I just wish those babes whose house I ’ m living in could see that I ’ m not hurtin ’ no one .
Ain ’ t a crime to want to get your freak on some compost ahaha.
” The young women who have had to share their space with the devilishly suave fruit fly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rid of his philandering ways .
However , sources are reporting that thousands of larvae are currently being hatched on top of left-out orange peels ready to take up their father ’ s mantle .

KITCHENER, ON – A notorious fruit fly that has been pestering the home of a local couple, has finally been captured early this morning. When his motives were questioned, the fruit fly simply said he wanted to “suck and fuck.”
“If I’m lucky, my lifespan is 50 days. So I like to live by the mantra ‘here for a good time, not a long time,’” buzzed the promiscuous winged bug. “It’s not like they were gonna eat those rotting watermelon rinds anyway, so just relax my guy!”
The little insect in question has single-handedly been responsible for the exponential growth in the fruit fly population residing in Nicolette and Imani’s kitchen. The fly has been fruitfully spreading his tiny seed at an alarming rate by wining and dining, followed by dating and mating every single fruit fly he has encountered to date.
“I came into this world with only one objective- to have my mouth full at all times. Whether that’s a mouthful of discarded produce or a mouthful of fruit fly titty, it’s all the same to me,” said the D. melanogaster while rubbing his legs together. “I guess you could say my world philosophy aligns with Epicurean hedonism, baby.”
“I just wish those babes whose house I’m living in could see that I’m not hurtin’ no one. Ain’t a crime to want to get your freak on some compost ahaha.”
The young women who have had to share their space with the devilishly suave fruit fly say they are relieved to finally be rid of his philandering ways. However, sources are reporting that thousands of larvae are currently being hatched on top of left-out orange peels ready to take up their father’s mantle.


thebeaverton--2020-07-06--Media outlets that just committed to anti-racism stance take cheat day to praise white terrorist

OTTAWA — Despite widespread commitments last month to confront systemic racism within journalism , Canadian media outlets have allowed themselves a quick cheat day to praise the armed , white terrorist who crashed a pickup truck through a gate and wandered the grounds of the Prime Minister ’ s official residence with a gun .
“ Look , I know we made some big promises about ‘ combating racism in all its forms ’ , ” said CBC/Radio-Canada CEO Catherine Tait of the outlet ’ s recent statement on Anti-racism , diversity and inclusion .
“ But sometimes you just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you can talk about this heavily armed white guy ’ s great jalapeño garlic sausage business ” .
Corey Hurren , the man who drove to Ottawa from Manitoba with four guns in his pickup truck , now faces 22 criminal charges and a strikingly positive PR campaign by many of Canada ’ s major news sources .
Journalists have been quick to track down friends and neighbours for a quote about how “ shocked ” they are that a “ good community member ” and “ heck of a fisherman ” like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what ’ s what ” .
Torstar CEO David Holland says there ’ s good reason for the favourable press coverage .
“ We at the Toronto Star said we would be taking concrete measures to address inequality , exclusion and discrimination .
But this is a marathon , not a sprint .
We have to give ourselves the occasional day of stressing that the COVID-19 pandemic took a particularly hard toll on this white guy , otherwise we ’ ll tire ourselves out with all the anti-racism , justice and accountability we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the blame on the readers for their high expectations .
“ Be honest : What did you think we were gon na do ?
” said National Post CEO Andrew MacLeod .
“ I mean , we started out small , calling this guy a ‘ farm boy ’ who grew up in nature and then we just started binging on talking about how he volunteered at the local Lions Club , and how him turning up at the Prime Minister ’ s residence with weapons was a life-changing mission .
We couldn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you hear this guy met Arlene Dickinson from Dragon ’ s Den once ?
I mean , wow !
” Now that the cheat day is over , most media outlets have re-committed themselves to really working hard against racism again , and have requested that anyone who sees some should let them know where it is .

OTTAWA — Despite widespread commitments last month to confront systemic racism within journalism, Canadian media outlets have allowed themselves a quick cheat day to praise the armed, white terrorist who crashed a pickup truck through a gate and wandered the grounds of the Prime Minister’s official residence with a gun.
“Look, I know we made some big promises about ‘combating racism in all its forms’,” said CBC/Radio-Canada CEO Catherine Tait of the outlet’s recent statement on Anti-racism, diversity and inclusion. “But sometimes you just have to go easy on yourself so you can talk about this heavily armed white guy’s great jalapeño garlic sausage business”.
Corey Hurren, the man who drove to Ottawa from Manitoba with four guns in his pickup truck, now faces 22 criminal charges and a strikingly positive PR campaign by many of Canada’s major news sources. Journalists have been quick to track down friends and neighbours for a quote about how “shocked” they are that a “good community member” and “heck of a fisherman” like Hurren would attempt to “tell Trudeau what’s what”.
Torstar CEO David Holland says there’s good reason for the favourable press coverage. “We at the Toronto Star said we would be taking concrete measures to address inequality, exclusion and discrimination. But this is a marathon, not a sprint. We have to give ourselves the occasional day of stressing that the COVID-19 pandemic took a particularly hard toll on this white guy, otherwise we’ll tire ourselves out with all the anti-racism, justice and accountability we’re doing”.
Others put the blame on the readers for their high expectations. “Be honest: What did you think we were gonna do?” said National Post CEO Andrew MacLeod. “I mean, we started out small, calling this guy a ‘farm boy’ who grew up in nature and then we just started binging on talking about how he volunteered at the local Lions Club, and how him turning up at the Prime Minister’s residence with weapons was a life-changing mission. We couldn’t resist.”
“And did you hear this guy met Arlene Dickinson from Dragon’s Den once? I mean, wow!”
Now that the cheat day is over, most media outlets have re-committed themselves to really working hard against racism again, and have requested that anyone who sees some should let them know where it is.


thebeaverton--2020-07-06--Trump says Biden’s poll numbers wouldn’t be so high if they stopped testing voters

Washington D.C. – US president Trump has issued a statement saying that Democratic Party nominee Joe Biden is only polling ahead of him because they are asking voters for their opinion .
“ Think about it , if you stop testing people on who they are going to vote for , less people would say Joe Biden , ” stated Trump .
“ The only reason he has bigger numbers than me right now is because they are asking Americans what they want which is not something I care about.
” Trump insisted that the United States is the best @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ We poll way more U.S. voters than France or England , we are so good at testing .
So , so good.
” But now Trump says further polls are no longer needed “ especially the one on November 3rd.
” The administration has begun to consider how else their president ’ s logic could benefit the country .
Some examples include not letting the president speak out loud so no one can prove he ’ s a racist , not feeding starving families as they can only starve if they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you can ’ t see the parallels between Trump and Hitler if you don ’ t know who Hitler is .

Washington D.C. – US president Trump has issued a statement saying that Democratic Party nominee Joe Biden is only polling ahead of him because they are asking voters for their opinion.
“Think about it, if you stop testing people on who they are going to vote for, less people would say Joe Biden,” stated Trump. “The only reason he has bigger numbers than me right now is because they are asking Americans what they want which is not something I care about.”
Trump insisted that the United States is the best in the world at testing American voters. “We poll way more U.S. voters than France or England, we are so good at testing. So, so good.”
But now Trump says further polls are no longer needed “especially the one on November 3rd.”
The administration has begun to consider how else their president’s logic could benefit the country. Some examples include not letting the president speak out loud so no one can prove he’s a racist, not feeding starving families as they can only starve if they are alive, and banning books as you can’t see the parallels between Trump and Hitler if you don’t know who Hitler is.


thebeaverton--2020-07-07--Ennio Morricone Passes Away in Prolonged Standoff

AMERICAN WILD WEST – Award-winning composer of The Good , the Bad , and the Ugly Ennio Morricone was found dead last night during a Mexican Standoff in a Civil War Graveyard .
Prior to his passing , Morricone had been in a contentious staredown with two musicians over a pile of gold buried under one of the graves , but as minutes stretched into hours it became clear none of them were going to budge .
“ You could tell he wasn ’ t going to back down , ” reported Randy Newman , composer of the Toy Story @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pile of gold .
“ I walk away – Bam !
Bam !
Bam !
– that ’ s a dead Randy.
” Mr. Newman had been staring down Ennio for the past 54 years , salivating over the gold bullion , when he noticed the composer hadn ’ t moved for a long long time .
When Mr. Newman finally crossed the graveyard to check on his rival , he realized Morricone had passed away several weeks ago and was being propped up by a gravestone and years of good posture .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the world of music , ” remarked John Williams , the third composer in the standoff .
Mr. Williams had similarly not noticed Ennio ’ s passing as he had been spending his time humming the Jaws Theme while pretending to be a land shark .
Morricone is survived by his four children , decades of iconic musical scores , and his loving wife Maria .
At press time , John Williams could be heard making lightsaber sounds with his mouth while Randy Newman whistled his way into the sunset with two-hundred @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his back .

AMERICAN WILD WEST – Award-winning composer of The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Ennio Morricone was found dead last night during a Mexican Standoff in a Civil War Graveyard.
Prior to his passing, Morricone had been in a contentious staredown with two musicians over a pile of gold buried under one of the graves, but as minutes stretched into hours it became clear none of them were going to budge.
“You could tell he wasn’t going to back down,” reported Randy Newman, composer of the Toy Story Soundtrack and a man fighting over a pile of gold. “I walk away – Bam! Bam! Bam! – that’s a dead Randy.”
Mr. Newman had been staring down Ennio for the past 54 years, salivating over the gold bullion, when he noticed the composer hadn’t moved for a long long time. When Mr. Newman finally crossed the graveyard to check on his rival, he realized Morricone had passed away several weeks ago and was being propped up by a gravestone and years of good posture.
“It’s a tremendous loss to the world of music,” remarked John Williams, the third composer in the standoff. Mr. Williams had similarly not noticed Ennio’s passing as he had been spending his time humming the Jaws Theme while pretending to be a land shark.
Morricone is survived by his four children, decades of iconic musical scores, and his loving wife Maria. At press time, John Williams could be heard making lightsaber sounds with his mouth while Randy Newman whistled his way into the sunset with two-hundred thousand dollars of confederate gold strapped to his back.


thebeaverton--2020-07-07--Trudeau just one ethics commissioner investigation away from free ethics commissioner investigation

OTTAWA – Having earned his third ethics commissioner investigation in 5 years , Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is now just one more investigation away from a freebie .
“ A lot of people say those ‘ do enough shady stuff to deserve 4 ethics commissioner investigations , get a 5th one free ’ cards are impossible to cash in on , but clearly they just don ’ t know how to plan ahead like I do , ” said the Prime Minister .
“ Now where did I put my punch card , ” he added .
Trudeau earned his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the handling of a massive government program to a charity he and his wife have longstanding ties with .
Although not as flashy as the SNC Lavalin scandal or his vacation on the island of the Aga Khan , it did earn just enough scorn to merit the investigation , officially making Trudeau the ethics commissioner ’ s number 1 customer .
“ Oh man , without that guy , we would be out of business for sure , ” said Commissioner Dion .
“ He ’ s putting my kids through university.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ he ’ ll do with the free investigation once he earns it .
Many are hoping for an inquiry into whether big business support of his campaign is the reason he refuses to crack down on tax evasion .
But he admits that he ’ ll probably “ just blow it on something fun and silly , like why the chairs in the House are so uncomfortable.
” Of course if Trudeau earns a full 9 ethics commissioner investigations , he might get one that Canadians actually care about .

OTTAWA – Having earned his third ethics commissioner investigation in 5 years, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is now just one more investigation away from a freebie.
“A lot of people say those ‘do enough shady stuff to deserve 4 ethics commissioner investigations, get a 5th one free’ cards are impossible to cash in on, but clearly they just don’t know how to plan ahead like I do,” said the Prime Minister.
“Now where did I put my punch card,” he added.
Trudeau earned his most recent investigation for trying to award the handling of a massive government program to a charity he and his wife have longstanding ties with. Although not as flashy as the SNC Lavalin scandal or his vacation on the island of the Aga Khan, it did earn just enough scorn to merit the investigation, officially making Trudeau the ethics commissioner’s number 1 customer.
“Oh man, without that guy, we would be out of business for sure,” said Commissioner Dion. “He’s putting my kids through university.”
Trudeau isn’t sure what he’ll do with the free investigation once he earns it. Many are hoping for an inquiry into whether big business support of his campaign is the reason he refuses to crack down on tax evasion. But he admits that he’ll probably “just blow it on something fun and silly, like why the chairs in the House are so uncomfortable.”
Of course if Trudeau earns a full 9 ethics commissioner investigations, he might get one that Canadians actually care about.


thebeaverton--2020-07-07--But if we abolish police who will cut the line at Tim Hortons?

As many across this great nation have called for abolishing police forces , I find myself wondering what a world would look like without cops .
Perhaps most disturbingly , I wonder what Canada would look like without the tried and true tradition of having an officer skip the line at Tim Hortons .
To me , the only thing that tastes better than a licked boot is a large double-double .
Involuntarily surrendering my spot in line so an officer earning twice my salary can receive their third free coffee of the day is a tradition so staunchly Canadian @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , it ’ s enough to have a patriot like me flying proudly at half mast .
My fear is that if we abolish police forces altogether , law abiding citizens like myself will be deprived of the simple pleasure of having to stand patiently in line as a uniformed officer marches in , snags the last honey cruller , and leaves without paying .
Sure , by abolishing the police , we could shift funds toward trained mental health professionals and social workers that will no doubt be more qualified and efficient @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but I worry these types of workers just don ’ t have the same kind of brazen entitlement it takes to hop the line , order enough coffee for the entire precinct during the morning rush and then turn around so the rest of us can say thank you .
If we get rid of cops , who else could possibly fill this vital role in our community ?
No other profession is suitable for such a task because few others are conditioned to see themselves as the gatekeepers of society simply @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Firefighters just put out fires and paramedics just save lives but a police officer must enforce authoritative control over everyone they encounter .
That ’ s exhausting work – they deserve a free coffee or two !
Our brave officers make sacrifices everyday for this beautiful nation and we need them to keep things in order .
It ’ s because of their dedication to skipping the line that we don ’ t have to worry about gang members skipping the line .
We need the good guys to protect us from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the good guys are doing .
The point is , defunding the police is a slippery slope that will ultimately lead to us as a society no longer viewing militarized officers as golden demigods for whom rules do not apply and that , frankly , just doesn ’ t sit right with me .

By: Denis Williams
As many across this great nation have called for abolishing police forces, I find myself wondering what a world would look like without cops. Perhaps most disturbingly, I wonder what Canada would look like without the tried and true tradition of having an officer skip the line at Tim Hortons.
To me, the only thing that tastes better than a licked boot is a large double-double. Involuntarily surrendering my spot in line so an officer earning twice my salary can receive their third free coffee of the day is a tradition so staunchly Canadian it rivals the Calgary Stampede. Frankly, it’s enough to have a patriot like me flying proudly at half mast.
My fear is that if we abolish police forces altogether, law abiding citizens like myself will be deprived of the simple pleasure of having to stand patiently in line as a uniformed officer marches in, snags the last honey cruller, and leaves without paying.
Sure, by abolishing the police, we could shift funds toward trained mental health professionals and social workers that will no doubt be more qualified and efficient in their handling of mental wellness checks, but I worry these types of workers just don’t have the same kind of brazen entitlement it takes to hop the line, order enough coffee for the entire precinct during the morning rush and then turn around so the rest of us can say thank you.
If we get rid of cops, who else could possibly fill this vital role in our community? No other profession is suitable for such a task because few others are conditioned to see themselves as the gatekeepers of society simply because they finished a 6 month course. Firefighters just put out fires and paramedics just save lives but a police officer must enforce authoritative control over everyone they encounter. That’s exhausting work – they deserve a free coffee or two!
Our brave officers make sacrifices everyday for this beautiful nation and we need them to keep things in order. It’s because of their dedication to skipping the line that we don’t have to worry about gang members skipping the line. We need the good guys to protect us from bad guys doing the exact same thing the good guys are doing.
The point is, defunding the police is a slippery slope that will ultimately lead to us as a society no longer viewing militarized officers as golden demigods for whom rules do not apply and that, frankly, just doesn’t sit right with me.


thebeaverton--2020-07-08--Medusa makes more statues of racists to replace old statues of racists

SARPEDON – In a controversial move that has confused and angered people from all over the political spectrum , the Greek mythological figure Medusa has been replacing recently removed statues of problematic historical figures with new racist statues that she will make out of racist humans , using her powers to turn people into statues by looking at them .
Political commentators are confused about what , if anything , Medusa intends with this statement .
“ We just tore down a bunch of statues , ” said Kali Holloway of the Make it Right project , dedicated to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Medusa is going to make a bunch of new ones ?
Why ?
Does she think she ’ s helping ?
” “ I ’ m scared , quite frankly , ” said Don Black , who owns and operates the white supremacist website Stormfront.org .
“ While I ’ m honoured that there will be a statue of me to commemorate my achievements in the field of white supremacy , I also don ’ t want to die by being made into a statue .
Also if enough racists like myself are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hard to get the word out on how great racism is.
” Medusa famously has living venomous snakes for hair and can turn anyone to stone just by looking at them , but her views on racism and the removal of statues are unknown .
Many observers have noticed that the new statues look a bit different than the statues of Robert E. Lee and Christopher Columbus they are replacing .
“ It ’ s going to take a while to get used to this statue of a guy eating a hot dog @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a tiki torch ” said Richmond , Virginia resident Rob Gutman .
“ But it fills the empty podium in the middle of that traffic circle , and frankly I was getting tired of Jim ’ s bullshit .
So , thanks , Medusa ?
” At press time , groups of protestors were swarming state legislatures across the world , contesting laws prohibiting looking at Medusa in the face .
These protestors carried signs saying “ my body my choice ” and ignored government directives to carry a Mirrored Shield of Athena @ @ @ @ @ @ @ uncomfortable to haul around .
”

SARPEDON – In a controversial move that has confused and angered people from all over the political spectrum, the Greek mythological figure Medusa has been replacing recently removed statues of problematic historical figures with new racist statues that she will make out of racist humans, using her powers to turn people into statues by looking at them.
Political commentators are confused about what, if anything, Medusa intends with this statement.
“We just tore down a bunch of statues,” said Kali Holloway of the Make it Right project, dedicated to the removal of confederate monuments. “Now Medusa is going to make a bunch of new ones? Why? Does she think she’s helping?”
“I’m scared, quite frankly,” said Don Black, who owns and operates the white supremacist website Stormfront.org. “While I’m honoured that there will be a statue of me to commemorate my achievements in the field of white supremacy, I also don’t want to die by being made into a statue. Also if enough racists like myself are made into statues, it will be hard to get the word out on how great racism is.”
Medusa famously has living venomous snakes for hair and can turn anyone to stone just by looking at them, but her views on racism and the removal of statues are unknown. Many observers have noticed that the new statues look a bit different than the statues of Robert E. Lee and Christopher Columbus they are replacing.
“It’s going to take a while to get used to this statue of a guy eating a hot dog, wearing a MAGA hat and holding a tiki torch” said Richmond, Virginia resident Rob Gutman. “But it fills the empty podium in the middle of that traffic circle, and frankly I was getting tired of Jim’s bullshit. So, thanks, Medusa?”
At press time, groups of protestors were swarming state legislatures across the world, contesting laws prohibiting looking at Medusa in the face. These protestors carried signs saying “my body my choice” and ignored government directives to carry a Mirrored Shield of Athena at all times because they are “uncomfortable to haul around.”


thebeaverton--2020-07-08--Terrified mask escapes Scheer’s face

Terrified mask escapes Scheer’s face

TORONTO – A shocked and frightened face mask has escaped Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer ’ s face after the traumatic experience of having to listen to what the opposition leader says .
The disposable face mask in question had been sitting on Mr. Scheer ’ s face at Pearson International Airport when Scheer received a phone call from what appeared to be a Rogers telemarketer .
Within seconds Mr. Scheer had lowered the mask and was complaining loudly about Trudeau , questioned climate change , and made his views on gun control abundantly clear to the entire airport lounge .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ t we have more guns ?
!
” railed Scheer to the telemarketer , as the mask grew increasingly uncomfortable .
“ Guns don ’ t kill people – The Trudeau Carbon Tax does !
And why is he so pretty ?
” The Blue 3M Mask reportedly did its best to muffle and gag Scheer ’ s voice , but once the conservative leader began explaining his views on same-sex marriage to the Rogers representative , the face mask had had enough .
Unable to gag Scheer , the three-ply PPE ripped @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into a passing garbage trolley and lit itself on fire .
Observers in the airport lounge reportedly heard the mask scream “ IS HE THE BEST WE CAN DO ?
!
” as it erupted into unholy flames .
In solidarity , a nearby Conservative face mask sitting on Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister ’ s lap did the same .
At press time , Mr. Scheer is still on the phone with Steve from Rogers explaining why he does and doesn ’ t not quite support the ban on Conversion Therapy .

TORONTO – A shocked and frightened face mask has escaped Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer’s face after the traumatic experience of having to listen to what the opposition leader says.
The disposable face mask in question had been sitting on Mr. Scheer’s face at Pearson International Airport when Scheer received a phone call from what appeared to be a Rogers telemarketer. Within seconds Mr. Scheer had lowered the mask and was complaining loudly about Trudeau, questioned climate change, and made his views on gun control abundantly clear to the entire airport lounge.
“More guns, why can’t we have more guns?!” railed Scheer to the telemarketer, as the mask grew increasingly uncomfortable. “Guns don’t kill people – The Trudeau Carbon Tax does! And why is he so pretty?”
The Blue 3M Mask reportedly did its best to muffle and gag Scheer’s voice, but once the conservative leader began explaining his views on same-sex marriage to the Rogers representative, the face mask had had enough. Unable to gag Scheer, the three-ply PPE ripped off its own straps, hurled itself into a passing garbage trolley and lit itself on fire.
Observers in the airport lounge reportedly heard the mask scream “IS HE THE BEST WE CAN DO?!” as it erupted into unholy flames. In solidarity, a nearby Conservative face mask sitting on Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister’s lap did the same.
At press time, Mr. Scheer is still on the phone with Steve from Rogers explaining why he does and doesn’t not quite support the ban on Conversion Therapy.


thebeaverton--2020-07-08--Local ally imagines how proud his Black friends would be about this social media post if he had any

Lethbridge , AB – Local white man Jeffrey Travers is having the time of his life imagining all the praise he would receive from his imaginary Black friends for his pro-Black Lives Matter social media post .
“ I think they ’ d be so happy , ” said Travers about the reaction of his Black friends he does not have .
“ They ’ d be like ‘ you ’ re so woke Jeffrey !
’ and probably want to high-five me which I would gladly do !
” Organizers of Black Lives Matter affiliated protests have been critical @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Black Lives Matter movement and the lack of self-awareness in how white people support them .
Travers is unaware of these criticisms however , as he does not follow any Black Lives Matter affiliated channels .
“ I just saw the protests on CP24 , I would have totally been there if I imagined my Black friends reminded me to go , ” stated Travers .
“ I thought sharing my post to Twitter and tagging Kanye West , Beyonce , and Eminem would probably be enough !
” Travers then pointed out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ offline as well by purchasing White Fragility .
When asked what his favourite part of the book was , Jeffrey stated , “ The cover is really great , also have you seen the back ?
Some great little bits on there… ” A detailed review of Travers ’ 1,500 Facebook friends did locate one individual who was Black .
“ Jeffrey Travers ?
Oh yeah , ” said Andrew Curtis .
“ I went with a white friend to this party where no one else was Black and he came up to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like Get Out in here huh ?
’ I mean it did feel like Get Out but I think it was his party , so he chose who to invite ?
Anyway he sort of took my phone and added himself .
I ’ ll probably just delete him after this interview.
” When asked if Jeffrey ’ s post was worthy of his praise , Andrew asked “ What does ‘ All/Black Lives Matter ’ even mean ?
What side is he on ?
Also any ally who is excited to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not really an ally at all.
” Jeffrey was ecstatic at the news as a black person had confirmed he might be an ally and that he could finally stop posting about Black Lives Matter .
In related news , Jeffrey is sure one of his female friends will like his MeToo post any time now .

Lethbridge, AB – Local white man Jeffrey Travers is having the time of his life imagining all the praise he would receive from his imaginary Black friends for his pro-Black Lives Matter social media post.
“I think they’d be so happy,” said Travers about the reaction of his Black friends he does not have. “They’d be like ‘you’re so woke Jeffrey!’ and probably want to high-five me which I would gladly do!”
Organizers of Black Lives Matter affiliated protests have been critical of the short-lived white support for the Black Lives Matter movement and the lack of self-awareness in how white people support them. Travers is unaware of these criticisms however, as he does not follow any Black Lives Matter affiliated channels.
“I just saw the protests on CP24, I would have totally been there if I imagined my Black friends reminded me to go,” stated Travers. “I thought sharing my post to Twitter and tagging Kanye West, Beyonce, and Eminem would probably be enough!”
Travers then pointed out he was “doing the work” offline as well by purchasing White Fragility. When asked what his favourite part of the book was, Jeffrey stated, “The cover is really great, also have you seen the back? Some great little bits on there…”
A detailed review of Travers’ 1,500 Facebook friends did locate one individual who was Black. “Jeffrey Travers? Oh yeah,” said Andrew Curtis. “I went with a white friend to this party where no one else was Black and he came up to me and said ‘sort of feels like Get Out in here huh?’ I mean it did feel like Get Out but I think it was his party, so he chose who to invite? Anyway he sort of took my phone and added himself. I’ll probably just delete him after this interview.”
When asked if Jeffrey’s post was worthy of his praise, Andrew asked “What does ‘All/Black Lives Matter’ even mean? What side is he on? Also any ally who is excited to be praised about doing the bare minimum is not really an ally at all.” Jeffrey was ecstatic at the news as a black person had confirmed he might be an ally and that he could finally stop posting about Black Lives Matter.
In related news, Jeffrey is sure one of his female friends will like his MeToo post any time now.


thebeaverton--2020-07-09--Employee’s Zoom backgrounds more creative than his last 40 ideas

TORONTO – Local office worker Harvey Bibby surprised co-workers in virtual meetings this week with a series of marvelous Zoom meeting backgrounds , each more creative than the last , while contributing notably awful ideas .
Former cubicle-mate Sarah Blanders said at first she was impressed with Bibby ’ s mastery of the Zoom app .
“ Bibby showed up with a background that makes it look like he ’ s sitting on the Game of Thrones chair .
It was awesome .
Then he opened his mouth and suggested we pivot our entire business to Tik Tok .
We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s supervisor Erin Sheel was also impressed : “ On Thursday , he had a backdrop that made it look like he was in the Captain ’ s chair on a spaceship and the whole meeting he said cool stuff like ‘ Engage , ’ and ‘ make it so , ’ even as he asked who was responsible for handling an account that had been clearly assigned to him.
” As the week progressed , despite really rad backgrounds , it appeared that Bibby ’ s notoriously low success rate for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I ’ m sitting here as the top performer for the last 3 months , but all anyone wants to take about is Harvey ’ s background that looks like he is constantly walking into the frame , being surprised by the meeting , and then dashing out .
The man doesn ’ t even know what universal life insurance is !
” said Steve Grant .
“ Friday he comes in hot with a background of MY home office , as HIS background , ” chuckled CEO Mary Hutton .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t fire this guy now.
” At press time , Bibby was working on a new backdrop that would make it look like he was running away from the big rolling ball in Raiders of the Lost Ark while blowing off his filing duties to surf Amazon for a brown fedora .

TORONTO – Local office worker Harvey Bibby surprised co-workers in virtual meetings this week with a series of marvelous Zoom meeting backgrounds, each more creative than the last, while contributing notably awful ideas.
Former cubicle-mate Sarah Blanders said at first she was impressed with Bibby’s mastery of the Zoom app. “Bibby showed up with a background that makes it look like he’s sitting on the Game of Thrones chair. It was awesome. Then he opened his mouth and suggested we pivot our entire business to Tik Tok. We’re an insurance brokerage.”
Bibby’s supervisor Erin Sheel was also impressed: “On Thursday, he had a backdrop that made it look like he was in the Captain’s chair on a spaceship and the whole meeting he said cool stuff like ‘Engage,’ and ‘make it so,’ even as he asked who was responsible for handling an account that had been clearly assigned to him.”
As the week progressed, despite really rad backgrounds, it appeared that Bibby’s notoriously low success rate for suggestions and ideas had not improved.
“I’m sitting here as the top performer for the last 3 months, but all anyone wants to take about is Harvey’s background that looks like he is constantly walking into the frame, being surprised by the meeting, and then dashing out. The man doesn’t even know what universal life insurance is!” said Steve Grant.
“Friday he comes in hot with a background of MY home office, as HIS background,” chuckled CEO Mary Hutton. “I was like, guess we can’t fire this guy now.”
At press time, Bibby was working on a new backdrop that would make it look like he was running away from the big rolling ball in Raiders of the Lost Ark while blowing off his filing duties to surf Amazon for a brown fedora.


thebeaverton--2020-07-09--Saskatchewan man keeps reminding people that CFL season was postponed too

REGINA – Amidst conversations about the NHL , NBA and MLB seasons possibly resuming soon , local man Gord Marsh is reminding people that the CFL season was also postponed as a result of COVID-19 .
“ Um , I think you mean the 4 major sports leagues , ” commented Marsh on a TSN article about how the 3 major sports leagues had to suspend their seasons .
“ I think everyone in Canada is just waiting with baited breath to see if Randy [ Ambrosie , CFL commissioner ] announces the league is coming back in September like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ impact the delay will have on the Riders offense , ” added Marsh .
The other leagues have announced plans to use a bubble system in which players and team staff are sequestered in a specific area to minimize their exposure to the disease .
Marsh and many other Saskatchewan fans think the CFL should adopt a similar approach , and that the bubble should be in their spare bedrooms .
They insist they don ’ t mind .
“ I just hope Fajardo has been able to get some reps in during @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the pressure and media scrutiny get to him when we do start up again , ” said Marsh , presumably in reference to either a Roughriders player or a coach or the Roughriders mascot .
Reached for comment commissioner Ambrosie admitted it is possible the season will be delayed further due to the fact that many of the players actually earn more collecting CERB than they do playing .

REGINA – Amidst conversations about the NHL, NBA and MLB seasons possibly resuming soon, local man Gord Marsh is reminding people that the CFL season was also postponed as a result of COVID-19.
“Um, I think you mean the 4 major sports leagues,” commented Marsh on a TSN article about how the 3 major sports leagues had to suspend their seasons.
“I think everyone in Canada is just waiting with baited breath to see if Randy [Ambrosie, CFL commissioner] announces the league is coming back in September like he promised, not to mention what impact the delay will have on the Riders offense,” added Marsh.
The other leagues have announced plans to use a bubble system in which players and team staff are sequestered in a specific area to minimize their exposure to the disease. Marsh and many other Saskatchewan fans think the CFL should adopt a similar approach, and that the bubble should be in their spare bedrooms. They insist they don’t mind.
“I just hope Fajardo has been able to get some reps in during quarantine and doesn’t let all the pressure and media scrutiny get to him when we do start up again,” said Marsh, presumably in reference to either a Roughriders player or a coach or the Roughriders mascot.
Reached for comment commissioner Ambrosie admitted it is possible the season will be delayed further due to the fact that many of the players actually earn more collecting CERB than they do playing.


thebeaverton--2020-07-09--Doug Ford extends emergency orders until end of his term

QUEEN ’ S PARK – In an effort to improve his public image , Ontario Premier Doug Ford has extended the emergency orders placed on the province for exactly however long the remainder of his time in office turns out to be .
“ After the pandemic hit Canada and people started to panic , things started turning around for old Dougie.
” The Ontario Premier told the press outside Queen ’ s park .
“ Suddenly , all the little , tricky problems that make up running a province just became one big problem that we could solve by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ getting so many complaints about all the cuts to education and the scrapped minimum wage hike and more inquiries about when the barber shops could reopen.
” “ Clearly , I do my best work during a crisis , so let ’ s ensure I ’ m always working in crisis mode.
” Ford also stated his belief that Ontarians would not mind the extended state of emergency .
“ I don ’ t know about you , but I ’ ve been finding this whole crisis very relaxing .
I get to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nephew ’ s kitchen and I don ’ t have to try to get out of the Pride Parade .
Plus I can still go to the cottage.
” When asked if the emergency orders will be lifted in the event the COVID-19 virus is brought under control , Ford assured reporters that he has plenty of the virus stockpiled to justify the restrictions .
Furthermore , the Ford government reportedly has a number of backup crises planned , including what one they could only describe as “ Walkerton 2.
” While an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the provincial level , it bears similarities to an unsuccessful bill put forward by Sir Robert Bordan in 1918 asking to extend WWI for a few years so he could continue to look heroic .

QUEEN’S PARK – In an effort to improve his public image, Ontario Premier Doug Ford has extended the emergency orders placed on the province for exactly however long the remainder of his time in office turns out to be.
“After the pandemic hit Canada and people started to panic, things started turning around for old Dougie.” The Ontario Premier told the press outside Queen’s park. “Suddenly, all the little, tricky problems that make up running a province just became one big problem that we could solve by making people stay inside. We stopped getting so many complaints about all the cuts to education and the scrapped minimum wage hike and more inquiries about when the barber shops could reopen.”
“Clearly, I do my best work during a crisis, so let’s ensure I’m always working in crisis mode.”
Ford also stated his belief that Ontarians would not mind the extended state of emergency. “I don’t know about you, but I’ve been finding this whole crisis very relaxing. I get to spend a lot of time in my nephew’s kitchen and I don’t have to try to get out of the Pride Parade. Plus I can still go to the cottage.”
When asked if the emergency orders will be lifted in the event the COVID-19 virus is brought under control, Ford assured reporters that he has plenty of the virus stockpiled to justify the restrictions. Furthermore, the Ford government reportedly has a number of backup crises planned, including what one they could only describe as “Walkerton 2.”
While an order such as this is unprecedented on the provincial level, it bears similarities to an unsuccessful bill put forward by Sir Robert Bordan in 1918 asking to extend WWI for a few years so he could continue to look heroic.


thebeaverton--2020-07-10--Man who said ‘Believe All Women’ clarifies he did not mean the ones accusing him

OTTAWA – Kyle Traylor , self-proclaimed feminist , recently amended his previous claims that we should ‘ Believe All Women , ’ indicating that , “ Yes of course we need to believe all women ” but that the ones accusing him are all definitely , “ full of shit.
” The amateur podcaster went on to say that , “ I have always said how society unfairly treats women who come forward , but clearly that doesn ’ t apply to my ex-girlfriend who everyone knows likes to make up stories in order to go through emotionally taxing and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s just her thing , ” Traylor explained , adjusting his The Future Is Female t-shirt .
“ Likewise , that ‘ believe all women ’ exception applies to the girls on my old improv team , two of my female co-workers , and that woman with all the so-called ‘ credible evidence ’ against me.
” Air quotes were used .
When asked about the multiple women who have come forward saying that Traylor had flashed his penis at them on their way to work , Taylor pointed at his copy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gestured to his bowl of loose tampons , stating , “ Need I say more ?
” When observers did , in fact , need him to say more , Traylor proceeded to call up his mother , Lindsey Traylor , who told reporters that “ Kyle is a good boy and has always been a good boy and all these people need to stop making him so upset ” .
When the circumstances were explained to her she admitted that , actually , Traylor was “ kind of a douchebag ” .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ include his mother .
Traylor left the interview insisting , “ Listen , if it happened before 2017 when we technically started to believe all women , it doesn ’ t count.
” After which point he had to get in his Uber , only to add from a rolled down window , “ It also doesn ’ t count if they ’ re really tall !
” At press time Traylor went on to affirm his support for Black Lives Matter , except for any jokes he tells after 3 beers .

OTTAWA – Kyle Traylor, self-proclaimed feminist, recently amended his previous claims that we should ‘Believe All Women,’ indicating that, “Yes of course we need to believe all women” but that the ones accusing him are all definitely, “full of shit.”
The amateur podcaster went on to say that, “I have always said how society unfairly treats women who come forward, but clearly that doesn’t apply to my ex-girlfriend who everyone knows likes to make up stories in order to go through emotionally taxing and traumatizing recountings of the incidents. It’s just her thing,” Traylor explained, adjusting his The Future Is Female t-shirt. “Likewise, that ‘believe all women’ exception applies to the girls on my old improv team, two of my female co-workers, and that woman with all the so-called ‘credible evidence’ against me.” Air quotes were used.
When asked about the multiple women who have come forward saying that Traylor had flashed his penis at them on their way to work, Taylor pointed at his copy of a bell hooks book and then gestured to his bowl of loose tampons, stating, “Need I say more?”
When observers did, in fact, need him to say more, Traylor proceeded to call up his mother, Lindsey Traylor, who told reporters that “Kyle is a good boy and has always been a good boy and all these people need to stop making him so upset”. When the circumstances were explained to her she admitted that, actually, Traylor was “kind of a douchebag”. Traylor has since extended his exception to include his mother.
Traylor left the interview insisting, “Listen, if it happened before 2017 when we technically started to believe all women, it doesn’t count.” After which point he had to get in his Uber, only to add from a rolled down window, “It also doesn’t count if they’re really tall!”
At press time Traylor went on to affirm his support for Black Lives Matter, except for any jokes he tells after 3 beers.


thebeaverton--2020-07-10--Man who records his refusal to wear a mask determined to turn local humiliation global

KINGSTON , ON – After being politely asked to comply with public health mandates to wear a mask at local establishments during a global pandemic , local man Clarence Heart pulled out his phone and began recording the encounter , in a determined move to turn his local humiliation global .
“ Oh this is rich… I ’ m gon na get this on video , ” the absolute embarrassment proclaimed , before taking out his phone and exponentially increasing his public display of disregard for others ’ safety .
Heart had been asked to wear a mask to protect @ @ @ @ @ @ @ coronavirus after approaching a storefront and being politely directed to do so .
After loudly refusing , local passerbys giggled amongst themselves and insulted the man endlessly .
Heart then decided that a small sample of denigration and mockery wasn ’ t enough for him .
The video posted to Facebook , was immediately swarmed by a litany of people proclaiming that the man came off as whiny and pathetic while he shouted about his personal rights and inexplicably , “ the evil cabal of Dr. Fauci plotting to restrict oxygen access to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of stood there honestly , ” said local restaurant host Erin Dredd , who was the target of Heart ’ s video .
“ He hit record and the hardest point from then on out was not laughing… Which was really difficult because everyone walking behind him was pointing and pantomiming crying.
” Comments on the video posted by Heart include but are not limited to : “ You dumb fucking idiot , ” “ What a loud and annoying piece of shit , ” and “ Omg dad why did you post @ @ @ @ @ @ @ comment section has over 10,000 comments and is projected to rise further .
Upon posting his aggressively ignorant video online , Heart then began arguing with commenters for 9 hours straight , in a continuing effort to make his public berating last as long as possible .

KINGSTON, ON – After being politely asked to comply with public health mandates to wear a mask at local establishments during a global pandemic, local man Clarence Heart pulled out his phone and began recording the encounter, in a determined move to turn his local humiliation global.
“Oh this is rich… I’m gonna get this on video,” the absolute embarrassment proclaimed, before taking out his phone and exponentially increasing his public display of disregard for others’ safety.
Heart had been asked to wear a mask to protect the local population from the highly contagious coronavirus after approaching a storefront and being politely directed to do so. After loudly refusing, local passerbys giggled amongst themselves and insulted the man endlessly. Heart then decided that a small sample of denigration and mockery wasn’t enough for him.
The video posted to Facebook, was immediately swarmed by a litany of people proclaiming that the man came off as whiny and pathetic while he shouted about his personal rights and inexplicably, “the evil cabal of Dr. Fauci plotting to restrict oxygen access to his brain.”
“I just kind of stood there honestly,” said local restaurant host Erin Dredd, who was the target of Heart’s video. “He hit record and the hardest point from then on out was not laughing… Which was really difficult because everyone walking behind him was pointing and pantomiming crying.”
Comments on the video posted by Heart include but are not limited to: “You dumb fucking idiot,” “What a loud and annoying piece of shit,” and “Omg dad why did you post this.” At press time, the comment section has over 10,000 comments and is projected to rise further.
Upon posting his aggressively ignorant video online, Heart then began arguing with commenters for 9 hours straight, in a continuing effort to make his public berating last as long as possible.


thebeaverton--2020-07-10--“COVID barely kills anyone,” says man who would probably be pretty annoyed if we killed him

TORONTO – A man protesting lockdown and mask measures has made the point that very few people will actually die of COVID-19 despite the fact that he would probably be at least a little pissed if he himself were to die , either of COVID or at our hands .
“ COVID kills the same amount of people as the flu , it ’ s not worth sacrificing our economy and making everyone wear masks , ” said Tim Warner who , were we to try to kill him , would probably say things like “ stop it , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s not cool.
” “ Plus everyone who dies is already so old , ” added Warner who we bet would be totally perturbed if someone tried to kill his sweet Nana Gladys .
Ever since quarantine measures were put in place a vocal minority of people have expressed the opinion that COVID isn ’ t that serious .
Most recently a group of people advocated ‘ hugs not masks ’ on the TTC .
However when asked if they wanted to be hugged so hard and tight they lost the ability to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with COVID can suffer permanent injury to their lungs , they quickly declined .
“ We didn ’ t shut down like this for other pandemics , ” said Warner who , as the light leaves his eyes might finally understand that different diseases work differently , and would go “ oh shit , ” right before shuffling off this mortal coil .
Warner concluded his protest by demanding that social bubbles be extended beyond 10 people , so that one of his many close friends would finally have room for him in @ @

TORONTO – A man protesting lockdown and mask measures has made the point that very few people will actually die of COVID-19 despite the fact that he would probably be at least a little pissed if he himself were to die, either of COVID or at our hands.
“COVID kills the same amount of people as the flu, it’s not worth sacrificing our economy and making everyone wear masks,” said Tim Warner who, were we to try to kill him, would probably say things like “stop it,” and “come on man that’s not cool.”
“Plus everyone who dies is already so old,” added Warner who we bet would be totally perturbed if someone tried to kill his sweet Nana Gladys.
Ever since quarantine measures were put in place a vocal minority of people have expressed the opinion that COVID isn’t that serious. Most recently a group of people advocated ‘hugs not masks’ on the TTC. However when asked if they wanted to be hugged so hard and tight they lost the ability to breathe properly, not unlike how someone with COVID can suffer permanent injury to their lungs, they quickly declined.
“We didn’t shut down like this for other pandemics,” said Warner who, as the light leaves his eyes might finally understand that different diseases work differently, and would go “oh shit,” right before shuffling off this mortal coil.
Warner concluded his protest by demanding that social bubbles be extended beyond 10 people, so that one of his many close friends would finally have room for him in theirs.


thebeaverton--2020-07-11--Liberals desperately searching for a Liberal without ties to WE Charity

OTTAWA – As yet another Liberal , this time Finance Minister Bill Morneau , has been shown to have links to the WE Charity which was briefly awarded control of a $ 900 million student summer grant program , the Liberal government is now performing a deep search of their ranks to find someone – anyone – literally anyone – who does not have a connection to this organization .
“ High level politicians tend to be cozy with the upper echelons of the business and charity sectors , ” said Nadia Tempe , the head of the Political Sciences @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the case of WE , the Liberals have been very cozy with this charity .
In the political sciences we refer to this particular level of coziness as the “ cousins slow dancing ” level , in that it ’ s uncomfortable to watch , might be relatively harmless , but could also could be an indication of something far more disturbing going on behind closed doors.
” The Liberals were briefly pinning their hopes on a back-bencher from PEI who spent most of his life in an isolated doomsday cult that didn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the outside world , but it turned out the first thing he did after escaping from the cult was to accept a free flight in exchange for speaking at a WE event .
“ Until the Liberals can find one of their own with no links to the WE Charity , they ’ ve created a hierarchy where those with the fewest links are considered ‘ cleaner ’ than those with the most .
So if your grandnephew had a brief unpaid internship with the charity , you are considered pure enough @ @ @ @ @ @ @ comment on the scandal and the ensuing ethics investigation , while if your sister was able to buy a house with the money she received from speaking gigs for WE , you are expected to hide on the nearest toilet whenever a member of the press approaches you , ” Tempe said .
At press time , the Liberals were resorting to a quantum defense and touting the fact that somewhere in the eternally sprawling vastness of the multiverse there is an entire universe in which no Liberals have even heard of the @ @ @

OTTAWA – As yet another Liberal, this time Finance Minister Bill Morneau, has been shown to have links to the WE Charity which was briefly awarded control of a $900 million student summer grant program, the Liberal government is now performing a deep search of their ranks to find someone – anyone – literally anyone – who does not have a connection to this organization.
“High level politicians tend to be cozy with the upper echelons of the business and charity sectors,” said Nadia Tempe, the head of the Political Sciences faculty at McGill University. “In the case of WE, the Liberals have been very cozy with this charity. In the political sciences we refer to this particular level of coziness as the “cousins slow dancing” level, in that it’s uncomfortable to watch, might be relatively harmless, but could also could be an indication of something far more disturbing going on behind closed doors.”
The Liberals were briefly pinning their hopes on a back-bencher from PEI who spent most of his life in an isolated doomsday cult that didn’t have electricity or any connection to the outside world, but it turned out the first thing he did after escaping from the cult was to accept a free flight in exchange for speaking at a WE event.
“Until the Liberals can find one of their own with no links to the WE Charity, they’ve created a hierarchy where those with the fewest links are considered ‘cleaner’ than those with the most. So if your grandnephew had a brief unpaid internship with the charity, you are considered pure enough to be allowed to give a short comment on the scandal and the ensuing ethics investigation, while if your sister was able to buy a house with the money she received from speaking gigs for WE, you are expected to hide on the nearest toilet whenever a member of the press approaches you,” Tempe said.
At press time, the Liberals were resorting to a quantum defense and touting the fact that somewhere in the eternally sprawling vastness of the multiverse there is an entire universe in which no Liberals have even heard of the WE Charity.


thebeaverton--2020-07-11--Allow me to use my nationally syndicated column to tell you how my voice is being suppressed

You may have read the recent Harper ’ s letter in which prominent writers like Malcolm Gladwell and JK Rowling expressed a deep concern over the growing intolerance for opposing views , and the looming threat of cancel culture .
Although I was not technically asked to sign the letter I ’ d still like to add my voice , and say that dissenting , sometimes unpopular opinions like mine are being silenced .
And I can think of no better medium to do that than this nationally syndicated newspaper column which I am paid hundreds of thousands of dollars @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that free speech means hearing things you may not agree with .
It means having your point of view challenged .
It means having to listen to a range of voices selected by the exclusively straight , white , male board members of Canada ’ s 3 major newspapers .
I am so tired of people tweeting at me that my columns are “ badly written ” or “ make no sense ” or “ meet the legal definition of hate speech.
” Back in the good old days when free speech mattered @ @ @ @ @ @ @ give me their opinion on my work was my editor Chip , and he was usually so drunk that I could write anything .
The woke brigade simply does not understand that they are creating a stifling atmosphere in which there is no room to take risks or experiment while having the full security of a high-paying white collar job at an institution that is supposed to serve the public interest .
I shouldn ’ t have to worry about losing that just because I hurt someone ’ s feelings , or advocated @ @ @ @ @ @ @ beings .
Where do we draw the line ?
You might say its ok to ban a Nazi from speaking at a University .
But what about a Conservative academic who simply espouses many of the same ideas , only using more abstract language ?
Do we really want to live in a world where someone can lose their University Fellowship ( and its sweet honorarium ) just because they said all University Students are lazy sodomite commies who should die in a fire ?
I didn ’ t think so .
So @ @ @ @ @ @ @ denying my god given right to an opinion .
But mostly stop saying mean things about me on the internet !
It really really hurts you guys .
Now if you ’ ll excuse me I ’ m off to write my next column on how soft millennials are .

By: Edgar Finkel
You may have read the recent Harper’s letter in which prominent writers like Malcolm Gladwell and JK Rowling expressed a deep concern over the growing intolerance for opposing views, and the looming threat of cancel culture. Although I was not technically asked to sign the letter I’d still like to add my voice, and say that dissenting, sometimes unpopular opinions like mine are being silenced. And I can think of no better medium to do that than this nationally syndicated newspaper column which I am paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to write.
The simple fact is that free speech means hearing things you may not agree with. It means having your point of view challenged. It means having to listen to a range of voices selected by the exclusively straight, white, male board members of Canada’s 3 major newspapers.
I am so tired of people tweeting at me that my columns are “badly written” or “make no sense” or “meet the legal definition of hate speech.” Back in the good old days when free speech mattered, the only person who got to give me their opinion on my work was my editor Chip, and he was usually so drunk that I could write anything.
The woke brigade simply does not understand that they are creating a stifling atmosphere in which there is no room to take risks or experiment while having the full security of a high-paying white collar job at an institution that is supposed to serve the public interest. I shouldn’t have to worry about losing that just because I hurt someone’s feelings, or advocated infringing on their fundamental rights as human beings.
Where do we draw the line? You might say its ok to ban a Nazi from speaking at a University. But what about a Conservative academic who simply espouses many of the same ideas, only using more abstract language? Do we really want to live in a world where someone can lose their University Fellowship (and its sweet honorarium) just because they said all University Students are lazy sodomite commies who should die in a fire? I didn’t think so.
So please stop stifling my voice. Stop denying my god given right to an opinion. But mostly stop saying mean things about me on the internet! It really really hurts you guys.
Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to write my next column on how soft millennials are.


thebeaverton--2020-07-12--Disney World reopens in hopes that inevitable parental deaths will inspire future films

ORLANDO – As COVID-19 continues to surge in record numbers across Florida , Disney World made the controversial decision to reopen to the public yesterday in the hopes of gleaning story ideas from all the parents who will inevitably die after catching the virus in the Park .
According to higher-ups at Disney , the decision came after weighing the value of human life against the sweet , sweet money making potential of the dead parent trope .
“ Look , think of your most beloved Disney movies , ” explained Bob Iger , former CEO and current Executive Chairman @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Bambi ?
Dead mother .
The Lion King ?
Dead father .
Frozen ?
Dead mother AND father .
And what else do those films have in common ?
They were all massive hits .
Killing off parents is both our most efficient way of providing a sufficient lead character ’ s backstory and achieving record ticket sales.
” “ This pandemic will provide us with enough tragic stories to give us plotlines for years to come .
Who knows ?
Maybe if you bring your aging mom , you ’ ll see @ @ @ @ @ @ @ some day !
How magical !
” Jeremy Williams , a screenwriter for Disney , shared in his boss ’ excitement .
“ The story potential is endless !
” he said , mocking up an adorable cartoon orangutan fighting for its life on a ventilator .
“ A 13-year-old losing their parents to COVID-19 at Disney World becomes an intrepid teenaged bear on a journey through the circus .
Parents of twins dying because they refuse to social distance in line becomes a heartwarming story of plucky orphaned turtles defeating an evil @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Connie Burton , a 45-year-old mother of three , was happy to catch the virus from someone screaming on Splash Mountain if it meant her death could inspire her childrens ’ next favourite Disney movie .
“ My kids love Lilo & Stitch , ” she enthused , pulling down her Mickey-themed facemask to speak more freely .
“ There ’ s a dead mom in that , right ?
If my death doesn ’ t get turned into Disney ’ s next hit , at least their lives will become that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that one .
They ’ ll be so happy !
” In preparation for its own reopening , Disneyland in California had just changed its famous song to “ It ’ s A Dead World After All .
”

ORLANDO – As COVID-19 continues to surge in record numbers across Florida, Disney World made the controversial decision to reopen to the public yesterday in the hopes of gleaning story ideas from all the parents who will inevitably die after catching the virus in the Park.
According to higher-ups at Disney, the decision came after weighing the value of human life against the sweet, sweet money making potential of the dead parent trope.
“Look, think of your most beloved Disney movies,” explained Bob Iger, former CEO and current Executive Chairman of The Walt Disney Company. “Bambi? Dead mother. The Lion King? Dead father. Frozen? Dead mother AND father. And what else do those films have in common? They were all massive hits. Killing off parents is both our most efficient way of providing a sufficient lead character’s backstory and achieving record ticket sales.”
“This pandemic will provide us with enough tragic stories to give us plotlines for years to come. Who knows? Maybe if you bring your aging mom, you’ll see your story up on the big screen some day! How magical!”
Jeremy Williams, a screenwriter for Disney, shared in his boss’ excitement.
“The story potential is endless!” he said, mocking up an adorable cartoon orangutan fighting for its life on a ventilator. “A 13-year-old losing their parents to COVID-19 at Disney World becomes an intrepid teenaged bear on a journey through the circus. Parents of twins dying because they refuse to social distance in line becomes a heartwarming story of plucky orphaned turtles defeating an evil company that is trying to ban hugs.”
Connie Burton, a 45-year-old mother of three, was happy to catch the virus from someone screaming on Splash Mountain if it meant her death could inspire her childrens’ next favourite Disney movie.
“My kids love Lilo & Stitch,” she enthused, pulling down her Mickey-themed facemask to speak more freely. “There’s a dead mom in that, right? If my death doesn’t get turned into Disney’s next hit, at least their lives will become that much more similar to the characters in that one. They’ll be so happy!”
In preparation for its own reopening, Disneyland in California had just changed its famous song to “It’s A Dead World After All.”


thebeaverton--2020-07-12--OPINION: Why don’t protesters do something useful like when I bang pots and pans for nurses?

For well over a month there has been a surge in protests in response to police brutality and anti-Black racism , and believe me , there is NOBODY who hates racism more than me .
That ’ s why it ’ s so frustrating to see these protesters making vague demands and using so many different , unhelpful tactics .
I want to see an end to racism , and this simply isn ’ t the way to do it .
How do I know the right way to do things ?
Well just try walking down my street at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the week .
I think you ’ ll hear my credentials loud and clear .
This pandemic has hit our frontline healthcare workers hard , and they need concrete and direct help .
That ’ s why you won ’ t see me chanting slogans , signing petitions , writing to elected officials or participating in any other useless activities like that .
I instead choose to grab change with my own two hands – a frying pan in one and a wooden spoon in the other – so that I can make @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , nurses and support staff long to hear .
The Black Lives Matter movement could learn a thing or two from me about how to respond effectively to a crisis .
It ’ s sad to think about , but weeks of Black Lives Matter protests have failed to accomplish anything , aside from dismantling monuments and other tributes to historically racist figures , raising record amounts of money for numerous charities , holding individuals in power accountable for their actions , uplifting Black voices , reopening investigations into instances of police brutality @ @ @ @ @ @ @ across countless systems , defunding the police in numerous cities and turning police abolition into a viable political discussion .
My little pots and pans , on the other hand ?
We have made a LOT of noise , and I like to imagine that even though the nearest health care facility is several kilometres away , somewhere out there , a nurse is shedding a single tear of gratitude to thank me for all the help I ’ m providing .
At least I know the med students doing their residency who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ since they work such odd hours and are usually at home in the early evening to catch a tiny bit of sleep .
No sleep until they ’ ve been properly thanked by me though !
It ’ s hard to know how to be helpful in such uncertain times as these , so instead of trying to keep up with all the various action items that have been diligently thought out by activists and community organizers within the Black community , just take it from me : stay home , don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t bother with the internet , and at a designated time bring some kitchen items outside and scare your neighbour ’ s dogs .
You can even try a wok if you get bored of the same old pans every night !
Once my proven pots-and-pans banging method solves racism there ’ s no need to thank me , but if you must , do it with a loud clanging noise right around dinner time .
I may not be able to hear it , but I ’ ll feel it deep in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ certainly better than any kind of concrete action ever could be , right ?

For well over a month there has been a surge in protests in response to police brutality and anti-Black racism, and believe me, there is NOBODY who hates racism more than me. That’s why it’s so frustrating to see these protesters making vague demands and using so many different, unhelpful tactics. I want to see an end to racism, and this simply isn’t the way to do it. How do I know the right way to do things? Well just try walking down my street at around 7:00 pm any given night of the week. I think you’ll hear my credentials loud and clear.
This pandemic has hit our frontline healthcare workers hard, and they need concrete and direct help. That’s why you won’t see me chanting slogans, signing petitions, writing to elected officials or participating in any other useless activities like that. I instead choose to grab change with my own two hands – a frying pan in one and a wooden spoon in the other – so that I can make that sweet sound that I know doctors, nurses and support staff long to hear. The Black Lives Matter movement could learn a thing or two from me about how to respond effectively to a crisis.
It’s sad to think about, but weeks of Black Lives Matter protests have failed to accomplish anything, aside from dismantling monuments and other tributes to historically racist figures, raising record amounts of money for numerous charities, holding individuals in power accountable for their actions, uplifting Black voices, reopening investigations into instances of police brutality and murder, exposing structural anti-Black racism across countless systems, defunding the police in numerous cities and turning police abolition into a viable political discussion. My little pots and pans, on the other hand? We have made a LOT of noise, and I like to imagine that even though the nearest health care facility is several kilometres away, somewhere out there, a nurse is shedding a single tear of gratitude to thank me for all the help I’m providing. At least I know the med students doing their residency who live nearby can certainly hear it, since they work such odd hours and are usually at home in the early evening to catch a tiny bit of sleep. No sleep until they’ve been properly thanked by me though!
It’s hard to know how to be helpful in such uncertain times as these, so instead of trying to keep up with all the various action items that have been diligently thought out by activists and community organizers within the Black community, just take it from me: stay home, don’t use your voice, don’t bother with the internet, and at a designated time bring some kitchen items outside and scare your neighbour’s dogs. You can even try a wok if you get bored of the same old pans every night! Once my proven pots-and-pans banging method solves racism there’s no need to thank me, but if you must, do it with a loud clanging noise right around dinner time. I may not be able to hear it, but I’ll feel it deep in my heart, and that’s certainly better than any kind of concrete action ever could be, right?


thebeaverton--2020-07-12--Report: Cargo ship captain distracted by the awe-inspiring beauty of Welland

WELLAND – Two cargo ships collided in the Welland Canal after a captain was bedazzled by the sight and tremendous @ @ @ @ @ Welland .
“ They call this utopia the ‘ Rose City , ’ ” said @ @ @ @ @ , unclenching the pipe in his mouth staring at a sight he had never seen @ @ @ @ @ ve been to Machu Picchu and seen the ruins of Carthage , but nothing compares @ @ @ @ @ with moderately priced housing.
” As the giant vessel ’ s course steered directly into @ @ @ @ @ crew members couldn ’ t look away from the relatively new Wal-Mart Supercenter , the @ @ @ @ @ the semi-abandoned Seaway Mall .
“ …Gentlemen , we ’ re not in Port Colborne @ @ @ @ @ stalwart first mate ignoring the other ship ’ s horn warning of a potentially catastrophic @ @ @ @ @ is true ; the 406 ends here !
” exclaimed a mesmerized seaman before being @ @ @ @ @

WELLAND – Two cargo ships collided in the Welland Canal after a captain was bedazzled by the sight and tremendous beauty of the City of Welland.
“They call this utopia the ‘Rose City,’” said the ship’s skipper, unclenching the pipe in his mouth staring at a sight he had never seen before. “I’ve been to Machu Picchu and seen the ruins of Carthage, but nothing compares to this city of 52,000 with moderately priced housing.”
As the giant vessel’s course steered directly into an oncoming ship, other crew members couldn’t look away from the relatively new Wal-Mart Supercenter, the Atlas Steel Plant, and the semi-abandoned Seaway Mall.
“…Gentlemen, we’re not in Port Colborne anymore,” added the stalwart first mate ignoring the other ship’s horn warning of a potentially catastrophic collision.
“The legend is true; the 406 ends here!” exclaimed a mesmerized seaman before being thrown forward on impact.


thebeaverton--2020-07-12--Only Canadian who supports reopening US border catapulted across Detroit River

WINDSOR – The only Canadian who responded ‘ yes ’ to an Nanos poll on whether Canada should reopen the @ @ @ @ @ has been promptly ejected from the country via catapult .
Drake Yeardley of Collingwood , @ @ @ @ @ ban be lifted immediately which led to his prompt ejection by a 3 tonne ancient @ @ @ @ @ .
“ We need to start rebuilding our economy now !
” yelled the 46-year-old @ @ @ @ @ reach speeds of up to 200 km/h .
“ This COVID-19 pandemic is overblown !
@ @ @ @ @ How are we going to pay off the debt without tourists ?
” Yeardley made @ @ @ @ @ he thinks is herd immunity before being launched towards a cargo net on the American @ @ @ @ @ , 100 % of Canadians agreed that the border should remain closed to help prevent @ @ @ @ @ the travellers were members of an NHL hockey team because that doesn ’ t count @

WINDSOR – The only Canadian who responded ‘yes’ to an Nanos poll on whether Canada should reopen the Canada-US border for non-essential travel has been promptly ejected from the country via catapult.
Drake Yeardley of Collingwood, Ontario, demanded that the ban be lifted immediately which led to his prompt ejection by a 3 tonne ancient siege engine owned by CBSA.
“We need to start rebuilding our economy now!” yelled the 46-year-old man-turned-payload who was about to reach speeds of up to 200 km/h. “This COVID-19 pandemic is overblown! What about the economy? How are we going to pay off the debt without tourists?”
Yeardley made his final remarks about what he thinks is herd immunity before being launched towards a cargo net on the American side.
At press time, 100% of Canadians agreed that the border should remain closed to help prevent the spread of COVID-19 unless the travellers were members of an NHL hockey team because that doesn’t count.


thebeaverton--2020-07-13--In push for racial unity, white woman volunteers to try jerk chicken

TORONTO – In solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement and in an attempt to solve racial unrest once and for all , a local white woman volunteered to try jerk chicken for the very first time .
Miranda Blant , an Instagram micro-influencer with 125 followers , took her first trip east of Scarborough to Arthur ’ s , a Caribbean restaurant in the jerk hotspot known as Ajax , Ontario .
“ I ’ ve , like , seen all these social media posts about activism and I felt like I had to do something besides posting my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Bland says .
“ So , I discovered – sorry , googled a jerk chicken restaurant and took a trip to Arthur ’ s !
” Blant captured her entire experience in an Instagram Live , including the moment she jumped in shock at the soca music blaring from the restaurant radio .
Nevertheless , she ordered the spicy jerk chicken option in a move unilaterally praised by other local white women .
Arthur , the owner , marketer , head chef , and only chef of the restaurant praised the ordeal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Black businesses .
However , he simply described Blant ’ s Jerk-eating skills as “ dutty , ” for leaving so much meat on the bone .
After finishing the meal , Blant offered a cultural exchange for any Black or Indigenous person of colour to try her signature potato salad .
“ It has mayo , potato , lettuce and some capers to spice things up !
” No person has taken up her offer at the time of reporting .
Blant , undeterred , now aims to obliterate homophobia by watching @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Race at the same time .

TORONTO – In solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement and in an attempt to solve racial unrest once and for all, a local white woman volunteered to try jerk chicken for the very first time.
Miranda Blant, an Instagram micro-influencer with 125 followers, took her first trip east of Scarborough to Arthur’s, a Caribbean restaurant in the jerk hotspot known as Ajax, Ontario.
“I’ve, like, seen all these social media posts about activism and I felt like I had to do something besides posting my black square, which I did do” Bland says. “So, I discovered – sorry, googled a jerk chicken restaurant and took a trip to Arthur’s!”
Blant captured her entire experience in an Instagram Live, including the moment she jumped in shock at the soca music blaring from the restaurant radio. Nevertheless, she ordered the spicy jerk chicken option in a move unilaterally praised by other local white women.
Arthur, the owner, marketer, head chef, and only chef of the restaurant praised the ordeal for having white dollars being spent in Black businesses. However, he simply described Blant’s Jerk-eating skills as “dutty,” for leaving so much meat on the bone.
After finishing the meal, Blant offered a cultural exchange for any Black or Indigenous person of colour to try her signature potato salad. “It has mayo, potato, lettuce and some capers to spice things up!” No person has taken up her offer at the time of reporting.
Blant, undeterred, now aims to obliterate homophobia by watching every season of RuPaul’s Drag Race at the same time.