thebeaverton--2020-01-31--Realtor has good feeling about couple that’s been complaining about housing prices for 35 minutes

TORONTO — Local realtor Ann Wilber is reportedly “ getting some really good vibes ” off of house hunting couple Shiela and Martin Rourke , who have been loudly decrying the unfairness of condo prices in Toronto for over half an hour from the backseat of Wilber ’ s car .
“ No matter how long you ’ ve been in this business , you never lose your appreciation for the bright , joyful optimism of a couple about to buy their first home , ” Wilber stated , before solemnly nodding at her client ’ s third bitter comment @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gold-plated playpen for the rich ” .
“ I don ’ t want to get anybody ’ s hopes up , but I think today ’ s the day they find their new home !
” Wilber enthused .
Although the Rourkes have insisted that buying south of Eglinton “ would literally be harder than getting a 1+1 bedroom on the fucking moon ” , they have nonetheless expressed interest in several Toronto condos .
Wilber reportedly “ woke up this morning thinking ‘ this is the one ’ !
” before showing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ which Shiela muttered “ Great , this is a unit a Saudi prince could really launder some money through and keep his jellybean collection in .
Fucking fantastic.
” “ It ’ s so important to be flexible and have a good attitude .
I can really see the twinkle in these kids ’ eyes , ” Wilber stated .
She then re-entered her car just in time to overhear Martin explain , “ Realtors jack up the price to fleece you on a commission .
When the revolution comes , they ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ before suddenly stopping .
Wilber also reported enjoying the couple ’ s charming game of guessing what their parents would have paid for any given unit in 1985 , before noting that “ housing prices have probably seriously like quintupled since just last week.
” “ The home buying process can be stressful—but it ’ s so exciting !
” Wilber stated “ And just think , when they ’ re ready to start a family , imagine all of the fantastic daycares they ’ ll have to choose from !
” At @ @ @ @ @ @ @ quickly the Rourke can get a certified cheque together for a down payment on a literal former heroin den at Gerard and Jarvis .

TORONTO — Local realtor Ann Wilber is reportedly “getting some really good vibes” off of house hunting couple Shiela and Martin Rourke, who have been loudly decrying the unfairness of condo prices in Toronto for over half an hour from the backseat of Wilber’s car.
“No matter how long you’ve been in this business, you never lose your appreciation for the bright, joyful optimism of a couple about to buy their first home,” Wilber stated, before solemnly nodding at her client’s third bitter comment about how Toronto “has become a gold-plated playpen for the rich”.
“I don’t want to get anybody’s hopes up, but I think today’s the day they find their new home!” Wilber enthused.
Although the Rourkes have insisted that buying south of Eglinton “would literally be harder than getting a 1+1 bedroom on the fucking moon”, they have nonetheless expressed interest in several Toronto condos.
Wilber reportedly “woke up this morning thinking ‘this is the one’!” before showing the Rourkes a well-kept lowrise, to which Shiela muttered “Great, this is a unit a Saudi prince could really launder some money through and keep his jellybean collection in. Fucking fantastic.”
“It’s so important to be flexible and have a good attitude. I can really see the twinkle in these kids’ eyes,” Wilber stated. She then re-entered her car just in time to overhear Martin explain, “Realtors jack up the price to fleece you on a commission. When the revolution comes, they’ll be first against the wall…” before suddenly stopping.
Wilber also reported enjoying the couple’s charming game of guessing what their parents would have paid for any given unit in 1985, before noting that “housing prices have probably seriously like quintupled since just last week.”
“The home buying process can be stressful—but it’s so exciting!” Wilber stated “And just think, when they’re ready to start a family, imagine all of the fantastic daycares they’ll have to choose from!”
At press time, Wilber was asking how quickly the Rourke can get a certified cheque together for a down payment on a literal former heroin den at Gerard and Jarvis.


thebeaverton--2020-01-31--Man watching porn on incognito mode pretty sure he has everyone fooled

Timmins , ON – Troy Lambert , a cunning rapscallion , believes he has gotten one over on the universe by watching pornography using google chrome ’ s incognito mode .
“ Now no one will know that I ever consumed this delicious filth , ” declared Lambert as he closed all 15 tabs and opened a regular browsing window .
“ Now next time my mom borrows my laptop to watch youtube clips of cats she will have no idea that , I a 21 year old male , have watched internet pornography , ” he added .
Google @ @ @ @ @ @ @ keep reading New York Times articles even after reaching their maximum of 7 free monthly reads .
But despite the logo looking like it was almost exclusively designed for perverted behaviour no one had ever considered using it for flesh flicks until Lambert ’ s epiphany .
Everyone agrees that watching consenting adults having sex is shameful behaviour that must be hidden , given that only 4 billion people watch porn every day .
Some have tried clearing their history , while others have gone further and simply destroyed their laptop and set @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Now Lambert has changed the game .
“ Honestly it ’ s just nice to know that no one will ever be able to crack the impenetrable security mechanisms activated by clicking file , open incognito window , ” said Lambert , completely unaware of what those security measures may be .
Naturally this is not Lambert ’ s first attempt to watch porn without anyone finding out .
He has previously tried such foolproof measures as ‘ closing his bedroom door after asking all his roommates if they ’ ve seen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ computer as ‘ guest ’ and covering himself and the laptop in a kind of pornography fort .
At press time Lambert ’ s computer had been infected with 8 different types of porn related malware all set to go off the second he starts giving the big presentation at work .

Timmins, ON – Troy Lambert, a cunning rapscallion, believes he has gotten one over on the universe by watching pornography using google chrome’s incognito mode.
“Now no one will know that I ever consumed this delicious filth,” declared Lambert as he closed all 15 tabs and opened a regular browsing window.
“Now next time my mom borrows my laptop to watch youtube clips of cats she will have no idea that, I a 21 year old male, have watched internet pornography,” he added.
Google invented incognito mode primarily so people could keep reading New York Times articles even after reaching their maximum of 7 free monthly reads. But despite the logo looking like it was almost exclusively designed for perverted behaviour no one had ever considered using it for flesh flicks until Lambert’s epiphany.
Everyone agrees that watching consenting adults having sex is shameful behaviour that must be hidden, given that only 4 billion people watch porn every day. Some have tried clearing their history, while others have gone further and simply destroyed their laptop and set it on fire to conceal the evidence. Now Lambert has changed the game.
“Honestly it’s just nice to know that no one will ever be able to crack the impenetrable security mechanisms activated by clicking file, open incognito window,” said Lambert, completely unaware of what those security measures may be.
“Not even God himself!” he clarified.
Naturally this is not Lambert’s first attempt to watch porn without anyone finding out. He has previously tried such foolproof measures as ‘closing his bedroom door after asking all his roommates if they’ve seen his headphones’, logging onto his computer as ‘guest’ and covering himself and the laptop in a kind of pornography fort.
At press time Lambert’s computer had been infected with 8 different types of porn related malware all set to go off the second he starts giving the big presentation at work.


thebeaverton--2020-01-31--How to slip in the fact that you’ve watched Rian Johnson’s modern whodunit Knives Out to people at w

How to slip in the fact that you’ve watched Rian Johnson’s modern whodunit Knives Out to people at work

We all love classic water cooler chats with our fellow co-workers , but if you ’ re having trouble connecting with those at your good ol ’ 9-to-5 , here are some ways to break the ice… by talking about how you recently watched the cinematic mystery masterpiece Knives Out by Best Original Screenplay nominee at the 2020 Oscars Rian Johnson !
1 .
Co-workers asking if you had a nice weekend ?
Easy !
Talk about how much fun you had watching Knives Out alone at your local VIP Cineplex !
2 .
Jenny in accounting is complaining about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ everyone suffers from the daily grind , but remind her that renowned actor Daniel Craig was stuck playing a certain drab British spy for years and finally shook things up by playing the mysterious southern detective Benoit Blanc !
Maybe that will lift her spirits !
3 .
Did you accidentally call the lady at the front desk Mom ?
Have no fear !
Slip in the fact that Knives Out is all about family dynamics and inheritance , so she might just be in your will if she plays her cards right @ @ @ @ @ @ @ much fun at the last holiday party and threw up in front of everyone ?
Remind people that one of the characters Knives Out , Marta , throws up when she lies !
You ’ re lying to yourself that you like these people !
You ’ re just like Marta !
5 .
Quarterly reports due ?
Make it fun for your superiors by sending them the location of your report via burner phone so they can search for it in an abandoned building three hours out of town !
Just like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ accounting frustrated with “ office politics ” ?
Tell him wage cuts and nepotism are nothing compared to how Toni Collette was snubbed yet again !
The Colettisance is imminent and will not be kind to those who did not support her .
There will be no mercy .
7 .
Got fired for talking too much about Knives Out ?
Who needs a career and friends when you have an amazing film with a star-studded cast to keep you company !
All hail Knives Out !
Now you have all the tools @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
If all else fails , you can always talk about how much you loved Star Wars : The Last Jedi !

We all love classic water cooler chats with our fellow co-workers, but if you’re having trouble connecting with those at your good ol’ 9-to-5, here are some ways to break the ice… by talking about how you recently watched the cinematic mystery masterpiece Knives Out by Best Original Screenplay nominee at the 2020 Oscars Rian Johnson!
1. Co-workers asking if you had a nice weekend? Easy! Talk about how much fun you had watching Knives Out alone at your local VIP Cineplex!
2. Jenny in accounting is complaining about being bored at work? Agree that everyone suffers from the daily grind, but remind her that renowned actor Daniel Craig was stuck playing a certain drab British spy for years and finally shook things up by playing the mysterious southern detective Benoit Blanc! Maybe that will lift her spirits!
3. Did you accidentally call the lady at the front desk Mom? Have no fear! Slip in the fact that Knives Out is all about family dynamics and inheritance, so she might just be in your will if she plays her cards right!
4. Had a little too much fun at the last holiday party and threw up in front of everyone? Remind people that one of the characters Knives Out, Marta, throws up when she lies! You’re lying to yourself that you like these people! You’re just like Marta!
5. Quarterly reports due? Make it fun for your superiors by sending them the location of your report via burner phone so they can search for it in an abandoned building three hours out of town! Just like the movie!
6. Kevin from accounting frustrated with “office politics”? Tell him wage cuts and nepotism are nothing compared to how Toni Collette was snubbed yet again! The Colettisance is imminent and will not be kind to those who did not support her. There will be no mercy.
7. Got fired for talking too much about Knives Out? Who needs a career and friends when you have an amazing film with a star-studded cast to keep you company! All hail Knives Out!
Now you have all the tools you need to get those conversations flowing! If all else fails, you can always talk about how much you loved Star Wars: The Last Jedi!


thebeaverton--2020-02-03--Conservatives distance selves from Scheer by crowning scandal prone white man who can’t win Quebec

OTTAWA – Seeking to put plenty of room between them and the disastrous leadership tenure of Andrew Scheer , the Conservative Party is preparing to anoint as leader Peter MacKay , a man credibly accused of several financial misappropriations and who will be a non-starter in Canada ’ s second most populous province .
“ It ’ s time to move on , ” said Party member Henry Dollanger .
“ The last thing Conservatives need right now is a leader who voters think will waste public funds on personal benefits like private schools or , to use a random @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up off the top of my head , a military helicopter ride to a fishing trip.
” “ And we definitely don ’ t want someone with a history of making extreme comments that will alienate female voters !
” he added in reference to Scheer , and not MacKay , who once called his ex-girlfriend Belinda Stronach a ‘ dog ’ in the House of Commons .
Conservatives see MacKay as the complete opposite of Andrew Scheer , aside from the financial scandals , disregard for indigenous Canadians , sexist comments , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ general ‘ something feels kinda off about this guy ’ vibe both put out .
“ Sure , Peter will be hard pressed to win any seats in Quebec just like Andrew was .
But in Andrew ’ s case that was because his far-right social views alienated the secular , progressive province .
In Peter ’ s case it ’ ll just be because he never bothered to learn French !
Totally different , ” clarified Dollanger .
Conservatives are also confident that the Liberals will not be able to run the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ where they dredged up video after video of him saying or doing things that Canadians disagreed with .
With MacKay , who spent nearly a decade in Stephen Harper ’ s cabinet and was one of the government ’ s most forceful advocates in the House of Commons , there is probably very little chance of similar footage existing .
For his part MacKay was not ready to declare victory just yet .
“ We have a lot of work to do .
But if we succeed we will put Trudeau on notice @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
It ’ s time for a PM who doesn ’ t come from the Ottawa elite , but a small town in Saskatchewan .
I mean Nova Scotia !
”

OTTAWA – Seeking to put plenty of room between them and the disastrous leadership tenure of Andrew Scheer, the Conservative Party is preparing to anoint as leader Peter MacKay, a man credibly accused of several financial misappropriations and who will be a non-starter in Canada’s second most populous province.
“It’s time to move on,” said Party member Henry Dollanger. “The last thing Conservatives need right now is a leader who voters think will waste public funds on personal benefits like private schools or, to use a random example that I’ll just make up off the top of my head, a military helicopter ride to a fishing trip.”
“And we definitely don’t want someone with a history of making extreme comments that will alienate female voters!” he added in reference to Scheer, and not MacKay, who once called his ex-girlfriend Belinda Stronach a ‘dog’ in the House of Commons.
Conservatives see MacKay as the complete opposite of Andrew Scheer, aside from the financial scandals, disregard for indigenous Canadians, sexist comments, being unelectable in Quebec, and the general ‘something feels kinda off about this guy’ vibe both put out.
“Sure, Peter will be hard pressed to win any seats in Quebec just like Andrew was. But in Andrew’s case that was because his far-right social views alienated the secular, progressive province. In Peter’s case it’ll just be because he never bothered to learn French! Totally different,” clarified Dollanger.
Conservatives are also confident that the Liberals will not be able to run the same playbook they did against Scheer, where they dredged up video after video of him saying or doing things that Canadians disagreed with. With MacKay, who spent nearly a decade in Stephen Harper’s cabinet and was one of the government’s most forceful advocates in the House of Commons, there is probably very little chance of similar footage existing.
For his part MacKay was not ready to declare victory just yet. “We have a lot of work to do. But if we succeed we will put Trudeau on notice that Canadians are tired of his politics. It’s time for a PM who doesn’t come from the Ottawa elite, but a small town in Saskatchewan. I mean Nova Scotia!”


thebeaverton--2020-02-03--Ontario’s education minister hopes fake anti-teacher coalition named after his riding won’t attract

Ontario’s education minister hopes fake anti-teacher coalition named after his riding won’t attract suspicion

VAUGHAN , ON – Education Minister and MPP for Vaughan Stephen Lecce is confident a fictitious anti-teachers union group called Vaughan Working Families whose ads appeared in major national newspapers won ’ t appear at all suspicious .
“ I have nothing to do with this group that happens to repeat all of my speaking points , ” said Lecce in a press conference .
“ I absolutely did not half-ass the naming of this organization because I was tired that day and I left everything to my staffer.
” “ Oh , that reminds me : the teachers ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pawns for personal gains , ” recited Lecce from the full-page ad in the National Post .
The education minister says that the Vaughan Working Families is likely an organization made up of poor families who were scraping by with a few hundreds of thousands of dollars for advertising in newspapers like the Globe and Mail and Toronto Star .
“ Frankly , I ’ m disgusted that some people would think that a government who had the integrity to create a reputable news organization like Ontario News Now would do something like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ press time , the Ontario government was hiring actors to portray working mothers who were assaulted teachers ’ union thugs .

VAUGHAN, ON – Education Minister and MPP for Vaughan Stephen Lecce is confident a fictitious anti-teachers union group called Vaughan Working Families whose ads appeared in major national newspapers won’t appear at all suspicious.
“I have nothing to do with this group that happens to repeat all of my speaking points,” said Lecce in a press conference. “I absolutely did not half-ass the naming of this organization because I was tired that day and I left everything to my staffer.”
“Oh, that reminds me: the teachers’ unions should stop using our children as pawns for personal gains,” recited Lecce from the full-page ad in the National Post.
The education minister says that the Vaughan Working Families is likely an organization made up of poor families who were scraping by with a few hundreds of thousands of dollars for advertising in newspapers like the Globe and Mail and Toronto Star.
“Frankly, I’m disgusted that some people would think that a government who had the integrity to create a reputable news organization like Ontario News Now would do something like this,” added Lecce.
At press time, the Ontario government was hiring actors to portray working mothers who were assaulted teachers’ union thugs.


thebeaverton--2020-02-04--Kansas City Chiefs confirm they will go to Seattle for White House visit

KANSAS CITY , MO – Following their stunning 31-20 Super Bowl victory over the San Francisco 49ers , the Missouri-based Kansas City Chiefs have confirmed they will accept President Trump ’ s invitation to visit the White House in Seattle , Washington .
“ Congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs on a great game , and a fantastic comeback , under immense pressure , ” tweeted the president from his $ 3.4 million , taxpayer-funded Super Bowl party at Mar-A-Lago .
“ You represented the Great State of Kansas and , in fact , the entire USA , so very @ @ @ @ @ @ @ yet received a formal invitation , the annual gathering of NFL champions has been a tradition since the New York Jets won Super Bowl III in 1969 .
Immediately after boarding the plane that also served as their stadium and home city , the Jets flew straight to the nation ’ s Pacific Northwest capitol for a meeting with Nixon , followed by a launch into orbit for a guided tour of the space needle .
Chiefs head coach Andy Reid , who is not in fact a tall , slender-leaved plant of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on marshy ground , has already indicated he would accept the invitation on behalf of the team .
“ It was a real honour to win the Super Bowl for Missouri for the first time in 50 years , ” Reid told reporters in the post-game interview .
“ But living in Missouri , where the team is based , it ’ s even more exciting to get out of Missouri , the place that we play , and visit the revered home of global democracy in the great state of Washington.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ actual Chiefs or any status of Native American whatsoever , will first celebrate their victory with a parade , tomahawk-chopping down main street under a hail of confetti made from outdated U.S. maps and centuries-old shredded treaties .

KANSAS CITY, MO – Following their stunning 31-20 Super Bowl victory over the San Francisco 49ers, the Missouri-based Kansas City Chiefs have confirmed they will accept President Trump’s invitation to visit the White House in Seattle, Washington.
“Congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs on a great game, and a fantastic comeback, under immense pressure,” tweeted the president from his $3.4 million, taxpayer-funded Super Bowl party at Mar-A-Lago. “You represented the Great State of Kansas and, in fact, the entire USA, so very well.”
Although the Chiefs have not yet received a formal invitation, the annual gathering of NFL champions has been a tradition since the New York Jets won Super Bowl III in 1969. Immediately after boarding the plane that also served as their stadium and home city, the Jets flew straight to the nation’s Pacific Northwest capitol for a meeting with Nixon, followed by a launch into orbit for a guided tour of the space needle.
Chiefs head coach Andy Reid, who is not in fact a tall, slender-leaved plant of the grass family growing in water or on marshy ground, has already indicated he would accept the invitation on behalf of the team.
“It was a real honour to win the Super Bowl for Missouri for the first time in 50 years,” Reid told reporters in the post-game interview. “But living in Missouri, where the team is based, it’s even more exciting to get out of Missouri, the place that we play, and visit the revered home of global democracy in the great state of Washington.”
But the Chiefs, who are not actual Chiefs or any status of Native American whatsoever, will first celebrate their victory with a parade, tomahawk-chopping down main street under a hail of confetti made from outdated U.S. maps and centuries-old shredded treaties.


thebeaverton--2020-02-04--Timothee Chalamet will now play every human on earth by 2023

LOS ANGELES – Following his successful portrayal of Henry V in The King and the announcement that he will be playing Bob Dylan in an upcoming biopic , Timothee Chalamet has announced that he will be taking the next step in his acting career and will be playing every human on the planet earth in film before the end of 2023 .
“ I really enjoy playing real people and conveying their lives on film , ” said Chalamet .
“ But it crossed my mind recently , are people out there sad that I am not playing them on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ anyone to feel left out , so starting with Bob Dylan and ending with Juanita Santiago of Buenos Aires , I ’ m going to give the Chalamet treatment to everybody.
” When asked how he was going to figure out the logistics of portraying over 7 billion people over the course of four years , Chalamet confidently explained that he was only 24 years old and didn ’ t have a real good sense of how long things take .
83-year-old Sven Lindblom of Malmo , Sweden said he was looking forward @ @ @ @ @ @ @ life .
“ It ’ s weird to have someone pretending to be me .
But imagining someone with those eyes and talent saying they are me and doing the things I do every day , like ice fishing and having fika , wowee !
Very cool !
” “ It ’ s an honour to be portrayed by such a brilliant artist , ” said Hiromi Kawasaki , 13 , of Kyoto .
“ But I do wish he ’ d stop following me to school for research .
He calls them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not worried , but my parents think it ’ s a little creepy.
” When asked what films , if any , these portrayals would be featured in , Chalamet was unsure of the details , but said his production team was deciding between 7 billion short films or one long “ Eddie Murphy Nutty Professor-style epic.
” Just twenty minutes after Chalamet ’ s announcement , Scarlett Johansson announced a competing project where she will play all people , trees , and animals , both living and dead , by 2022 .

LOS ANGELES – Following his successful portrayal of Henry V in The King and the announcement that he will be playing Bob Dylan in an upcoming biopic, Timothee Chalamet has announced that he will be taking the next step in his acting career and will be playing every human on the planet earth in film before the end of 2023.
“I really enjoy playing real people and conveying their lives on film,” said Chalamet. “But it crossed my mind recently, are people out there sad that I am not playing them on film? I don’t want anyone to feel left out, so starting with Bob Dylan and ending with Juanita Santiago of Buenos Aires, I’m going to give the Chalamet treatment to everybody.”
When asked how he was going to figure out the logistics of portraying over 7 billion people over the course of four years, Chalamet confidently explained that he was only 24 years old and didn’t have a real good sense of how long things take.
83-year-old Sven Lindblom of Malmo, Sweden said he was looking forward to Chalamet’s take on his life. “It’s weird to have someone pretending to be me. But imagining someone with those eyes and talent saying they are me and doing the things I do every day, like ice fishing and having fika, wowee! Very cool!”
“It’s an honour to be portrayed by such a brilliant artist,” said Hiromi Kawasaki, 13, of Kyoto. “But I do wish he’d stop following me to school for research. He calls them ‘ride-alongs’. I’m not worried, but my parents think it’s a little creepy.”
When asked what films, if any, these portrayals would be featured in, Chalamet was unsure of the details, but said his production team was deciding between 7 billion short films or one long “Eddie Murphy Nutty Professor-style epic.”
Just twenty minutes after Chalamet’s announcement, Scarlett Johansson announced a competing project where she will play all people, trees, and animals, both living and dead, by 2022.


thebeaverton--2020-02-04--Democrats excited by early opportunity to tear themselves apart from within

DES MOINES , IA – The U.S. Democratic party is celebrating a rare win after a computer glitch at their Iowa primary gave them a chance to self-destruct earlier than they normally do in an election year .
Following a recent string of legislative defeats and a near-certain acquittal of Donald Trump by the GOP-led Senate , Democrats are jubilant at the prospect of starting their 2020 presidential campaign with a highly visible round of public humiliation and bitter infighting .
“ I ’ m really proud that we have been able to come together so soon to fall apart @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Chair Troy Price mumbled to reporters from behind a locked counting-room door that he couldn ’ t find the keys to .
“ We don ’ t usually combust this early in an election cycle .
It fills me with pride to see this level of incompetence and finger-pointing so early in the game , and I think it bodes really well for the rest of the year.
” But Democrats are not resting on their laurels – which have not arrived yet because their laurel committee told Amazon to send them to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Des Moines , Iowa .
The party is already gearing up to ruin their next primary , which takes place in New Hampshire on February 7th , or possibly February 12 depending on who you ask .
With zero precincts reporting , several candidates have declared victory in Iowa , each proudly claiming credit for giving Republicans their key talking points in the months to come .
“ It ’ s humbling to be here at this turning point for the Democratic party , ” Pete Buttigieg told reporters as he removed his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Pinot Grigio in preparation for disembowelment .
“ I hope all of my fellow candidates will follow me into ritual seppuku as a sign of respect for our party ’ s proud tradition of political suicide , or at the very least point out my cultural appropriation in a barrage of online shaming that I so richly deserve.
” Plans are already in the works to spoil opportunities in other states , including holding the New York primary in Newark , telling voters there is only one Dakota , and misprinting thousands of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Bunny Sanderp .

DES MOINES, IA – The U.S. Democratic party is celebrating a rare win after a computer glitch at their Iowa primary gave them a chance to self-destruct earlier than they normally do in an election year.
Following a recent string of legislative defeats and a near-certain acquittal of Donald Trump by the GOP-led Senate, Democrats are jubilant at the prospect of starting their 2020 presidential campaign with a highly visible round of public humiliation and bitter infighting.
“I’m really proud that we have been able to come together so soon to fall apart so quickly,” Iowa Democratic Party Chair Troy Price mumbled to reporters from behind a locked counting-room door that he couldn’t find the keys to. “We don’t usually combust this early in an election cycle. It fills me with pride to see this level of incompetence and finger-pointing so early in the game, and I think it bodes really well for the rest of the year.”
But Democrats are not resting on their laurels – which have not arrived yet because their laurel committee told Amazon to send them to Des Moines, New Mexico instead of Des Moines, Iowa. The party is already gearing up to ruin their next primary, which takes place in New Hampshire on February 7th, or possibly February 12 depending on who you ask.
With zero precincts reporting, several candidates have declared victory in Iowa, each proudly claiming credit for giving Republicans their key talking points in the months to come.
“It’s humbling to be here at this turning point for the Democratic party,” Pete Buttigieg told reporters as he removed his shirt and doused a letter opener with Pinot Grigio in preparation for disembowelment. “I hope all of my fellow candidates will follow me into ritual seppuku as a sign of respect for our party’s proud tradition of political suicide, or at the very least point out my cultural appropriation in a barrage of online shaming that I so richly deserve.”
Plans are already in the works to spoil opportunities in other states, including holding the New York primary in Newark, telling voters there is only one Dakota, and misprinting thousands of lawn signs for the presumptive Democratic candidate, Bunny Sanderp.


thebeaverton--2020-02-04--Woman conducting job interview in coffee shop wants to know if candidate serious about this opportun

Woman conducting job interview in coffee shop wants to know if candidate serious about this opportunity

TORONTO — Reports have confirmed that a woman conducting a job interview for a marketing intern position in a crowded local coffee shop , Margie ’ s , has concerns about whether the applicant will treat this opportunity with the level of commitment it deserves .
“ I just hope you understand that we ’ re looking for someone who can seriously commit to our work here , ” Tina Lewin , the 33-year-old manager of an independent press currently based in her sister ’ s basement , stated .
“ Work like this requires not just commitment , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the 24-year-old interviewee moments after a barista began operating a latte steamer 18 inches from her head .
Mercin , who holds a Masters in literature and history , emphasized that she was willing to give the position her total attention during its initial probationary period , shortly before asking if her interviewer would mind moving to a spot a little farther to the back so the condensation from the window wouldn ’ t drip onto her head .
“ Honestly it ’ s that kind of an attitude that concerns me , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fellow customer if he could stop watching YouTube clips at full volume .
“ Working your way up as a new employee , you have to be willing to put up with inconveniences and indignities , ” she added before telling Mercin to ask the barista for the washroom code .
Despite this setback , Mercin was able to demonstrate her problem-solving skills by using a couple of sugar packets to jam under the leg of the table so it would stop wobbling .
The meeting ended on a hopeful note , with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , to take place at Lewin ’ s 7 year old ’ s birthday party .

TORONTO — Reports have confirmed that a woman conducting a job interview for a marketing intern position in a crowded local coffee shop, Margie’s, has concerns about whether the applicant will treat this opportunity with the level of commitment it deserves.
“I just hope you understand that we’re looking for someone who can seriously commit to our work here,” Tina Lewin, the 33-year-old manager of an independent press currently based in her sister’s basement, stated. “Work like this requires not just commitment, but professionalism,” Lewin reportedly explained to the 24-year-old interviewee moments after a barista began operating a latte steamer 18 inches from her head.
Mercin, who holds a Masters in literature and history, emphasized that she was willing to give the position her total attention during its initial probationary period, shortly before asking if her interviewer would mind moving to a spot a little farther to the back so the condensation from the window wouldn’t drip onto her head.
“Honestly it’s that kind of an attitude that concerns me,” Lewin later commented before asking a fellow customer if he could stop watching YouTube clips at full volume. “Working your way up as a new employee, you have to be willing to put up with inconveniences and indignities,” she added before telling Mercin to ask the barista for the washroom code.
Despite this setback, Mercin was able to demonstrate her problem-solving skills by using a couple of sugar packets to jam under the leg of the table so it would stop wobbling. The meeting ended on a hopeful note, with Mercin being invited to a second interview, to take place at Lewin’s 7 year old’s birthday party.


thebeaverton--2020-03-30--Democratic primary candidates find common ground in being high risk for coronavirus

WASHINGTON – The two remaining frontrunners in the Democratic primary may have very different platforms and policies , but they can agree on at least one thing : if they were to contract coronavirus , they ’ d both be considered high risk patients .
Sanders and Biden , in an attempt to offer unity and stability in uncertain times , have released a joint statement offering that while they ’ re very divergent frontrunners with opposing visions for the future of America , they ’ re more than capable of putting aside their quarrels to offer each other solidarity @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 8 % mortality rate for septuagenarians .
“ Joe believes in expanding Obamacare .
Bernie believes in Medicare for all , ” an analyst commented .
“ But they both agree , unequivocally , that if they required breathing assistance in a medical system overwhelmed by COVID-19 , it ’ s possible both of them would be turned away from a ventilator in favour of saving someone younger .
That ’ s party unity.
” The statement goes on to explain that the candidates failed to find common ground in select “ old @ @ @ @ @ @ @ yelling , and performing sexually inappropriate behavior in the workplace .
It was eventually concluded that their only commonality was their proximity to certain death in the face of a public health crisis .
“ Of course , this is all a thought experiment , ” the analyst laughed .
“ If either of them were to really fall ill , they ’ d be fast tracked through the system because of their wealth and perceived importance .
That ’ s the American way.
” And even if the worst happens , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ newly formed Legacy Committee has begun growing a backup old man in a tube , and Jimmy Carter has been instructed to prepare for a potential second term with some Jack LaLanne calisthenics and a daily prenatal vitamin .
When asked if the committee would consider running a woman or a younger person , the DNC rep disappeared in a mysterious puff of smoke and did not respond to follow-up emails .
President Donald Trump was also invited to sign the statement as a show of political solidarity across party lines .
He @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that he is impervious to death and his recent annexation of eight emergency ventilators from hospitals around the D.C. area for a “ tremendous secret project ” that will “ keep America great .
”

WASHINGTON – The two remaining frontrunners in the Democratic primary may have very different platforms and policies, but they can agree on at least one thing: if they were to contract coronavirus, they’d both be considered high risk patients.
Sanders and Biden, in an attempt to offer unity and stability in uncertain times, have released a joint statement offering that while they’re very divergent frontrunners with opposing visions for the future of America, they’re more than capable of putting aside their quarrels to offer each other solidarity in the face of COVID’s 8% mortality rate for septuagenarians.
“Joe believes in expanding Obamacare. Bernie believes in Medicare for all,” an analyst commented. “But they both agree, unequivocally, that if they required breathing assistance in a medical system overwhelmed by COVID-19, it’s possible both of them would be turned away from a ventilator in favour of saving someone younger. That’s party unity.”
The statement goes on to explain that the candidates failed to find common ground in select “old man hobbies,” including fishing, yelling, and performing sexually inappropriate behavior in the workplace. It was eventually concluded that their only commonality was their proximity to certain death in the face of a public health crisis.
“Of course, this is all a thought experiment,” the analyst laughed. “If either of them were to really fall ill, they’d be fast tracked through the system because of their wealth and perceived importance. That’s the American way.”
And even if the worst happens, the DNC has prepared multiple contingencies. A newly formed Legacy Committee has begun growing a backup old man in a tube, and Jimmy Carter has been instructed to prepare for a potential second term with some Jack LaLanne calisthenics and a daily prenatal vitamin. When asked if the committee would consider running a woman or a younger person, the DNC rep disappeared in a mysterious puff of smoke and did not respond to follow-up emails.
President Donald Trump was also invited to sign the statement as a show of political solidarity across party lines. He declined, citing both his firm belief that he is impervious to death and his recent annexation of eight emergency ventilators from hospitals around the D.C. area for a “tremendous secret project” that will “keep America great.”


thebeaverton--2020-03-30--COVID-19 pandemic reveals Mayor of Flavortown to be most competent US politician

CHICAGO – In response to the COVID-19 pandemic , Guy Fieri and the National Restaurant Association Education Foundation have launched the Restaurant Employee Relief Fund with a one-time grant of $ 500 for restaurant workers , proving conclusively that the Mayor of Flavortown is the most competent politician America has right now .
“ I was initially wary when the Mayor approached us with this stimulus package , ” a spokesperson for the foundation said , “ but he didn ’ t demand gratitude or berate us or anything , he just talked about how important it is that we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ working people in the restaurant industry up a notch ’ .
He wasn ’ t like other politicians at all.
” “ In such uncertain times , the American people need to come together as a community , take care of one another and follow the best laid course to achieve full recovery .
Boom .
That ’ s Flavortown , ” Mayor Fieri said during a press conference to announce the grant .
After tossing out free pairs of sunglasses while blaring Def Leppard ’ s “ Pour Some Sugar on Me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Daddy Memorial City Hall to plan and construct further legislation to deal with the crisis .
“ Frankly , I could have done without the side of his famous Tex Wasabi ’ s Ko Fish Tacos that come with the grant , ” remarked recipient Angela Leary , “ but it ’ s better than swallowing the load of shit the federal government ’ s been serving us.
” Other measures being considered by the Mayor to tackle the ongoing emergency in Flavortown include free streaming of “ Diners , Drive-ins and Dives @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in need , and the creation of a policy of dynamite food with a killer atmosphere nationwide .
When pressed for comment , Vice President Mike Pence dismissed Mayor Fieri ’ s grant plan , criticizing the initiative for its lack of free lunches to the CEOs of major corporations .

CHICAGO – In response to the COVID-19 pandemic, Guy Fieri and the National Restaurant Association Education Foundation have launched the Restaurant Employee Relief Fund with a one-time grant of $500 for restaurant workers, proving conclusively that the Mayor of Flavortown is the most competent politician America has right now.
“I was initially wary when the Mayor approached us with this stimulus package,” a spokesperson for the foundation said, “but he didn’t demand gratitude or berate us or anything, he just talked about how important it is that we ‘take our care of the hard working people in the restaurant industry up a notch’. He wasn’t like other politicians at all.”
“In such uncertain times, the American people need to come together as a community, take care of one another and follow the best laid course to achieve full recovery. Boom. That’s Flavortown,” Mayor Fieri said during a press conference to announce the grant.
After tossing out free pairs of sunglasses while blaring Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me,” the Mayor returned to Mac Daddy Memorial City Hall to plan and construct further legislation to deal with the crisis.
“Frankly, I could have done without the side of his famous Tex Wasabi’s Ko Fish Tacos that come with the grant,” remarked recipient Angela Leary, “but it’s better than swallowing the load of shit the federal government’s been serving us.”
Other measures being considered by the Mayor to tackle the ongoing emergency in Flavortown include free streaming of “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives”, airdropping hot sauce to those in need, and the creation of a policy of dynamite food with a killer atmosphere nationwide.
When pressed for comment, Vice President Mike Pence dismissed Mayor Fieri’s grant plan, criticizing the initiative for its lack of free lunches to the CEOs of major corporations.


thebeaverton--2020-03-29--Nation’s parents lured back inside houses with promise of Jeopardy re-runs

OTTAWA – Reports indicate that many among the older generation have not been adhering to warnings from health officials to self-isolate .
As a result , most have resorted to luring their parents back into the house with old episodes of Jeopardy .
Minister of Health Patty Hajdu said that she and other concerned officials were extremely grateful for Canadian parents ’ obsession with the long-running trivia show .
“ We tried putting up warning posters in bingo halls and making shareable Facebook memes we knew they ’ d like , but nothing was helping , ” she explained .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ television channel that plays only Jeopardy , 24 hours a day , seven days a week—and it ’ s working incredibly well .
Rates of parents going about their daily life as if there isn ’ t a deadly pandemic ravaging the globe have plummeted exponentially.
” “ Mine kept calling to tell me about how they were still going to book club with all of their other old friends , ” ranted Mary Donaldson , a 37 year-old accountant who hasn ’ t been within six feet of another human in a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t take it anymore .
I drove to their home , turned on the TV , and blasted Alex Trebek ’ s soothing-yet-stern voice out the window until mom and dad came wandering down the road and into the house , shouting answers to the questions the whole way.
” “ Then I took some plywood and boarded the doors and windows shut .
They ’ re not leaving until I say it ’ s safe to come out.
” One parent , 75 year-old Peter Hiller , was in the process of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ trivia night when his concerned son called him earlier this week .
“ My boy Jack , he said that I needed to come home right away because the episode with a three-way tie was just beginning , ” Hiller explained , currently on his 574th consecutive episode .
“ A three-way tie !
You don ’ t get more excitement than that !
Plus , it ’ ll distract me from all these young people whining about some stupid virus that ’ ll be gone in a week.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of The Price Is Right for particularly stubborn parental cases .

OTTAWA – Reports indicate that many among the older generation have not been adhering to warnings from health officials to self-isolate. As a result, most have resorted to luring their parents back into the house with old episodes of Jeopardy.
Minister of Health Patty Hajdu said that she and other concerned officials were extremely grateful for Canadian parents’ obsession with the long-running trivia show.
“We tried putting up warning posters in bingo halls and making shareable Facebook memes we knew they’d like, but nothing was helping,” she explained. “So instead, we created a television channel that plays only Jeopardy, 24 hours a day, seven days a week—and it’s working incredibly well. Rates of parents going about their daily life as if there isn’t a deadly pandemic ravaging the globe have plummeted exponentially.”
“Mine kept calling to tell me about how they were still going to book club with all of their other old friends,” ranted Mary Donaldson, a 37 year-old accountant who hasn’t been within six feet of another human in a week. “I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I drove to their home, turned on the TV, and blasted Alex Trebek’s soothing-yet-stern voice out the window until mom and dad came wandering down the road and into the house, shouting answers to the questions the whole way.”
“Then I took some plywood and boarded the doors and windows shut. They’re not leaving until I say it’s safe to come out.”
One parent, 75 year-old Peter Hiller, was in the process of heading to his local pub’s trivia night when his concerned son called him earlier this week.
“My boy Jack, he said that I needed to come home right away because the episode with a three-way tie was just beginning,” Hiller explained, currently on his 574th consecutive episode. “A three-way tie! You don’t get more excitement than that! Plus, it’ll distract me from all these young people whining about some stupid virus that’ll be gone in a week.”
At press time, health officials were prescribing old episodes of The Price Is Right for particularly stubborn parental cases.


thebeaverton--2020-03-28--Government classifies ‘dat ass’ as an essential service

OTTAWA – Following weeks of public confusion , the federal government of Canada has finally declared that ‘ dat ass ’ is an essential service which must continue despite the coronavirus pandemic .
“ In the best interests of the citizens of Canada , we have added ‘ dat ass ’ to the list of essential services that will be maintained during an emergency , ” Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland said at a press conference to announce the government ’ s decision .
“ We can ’ t let this crisis change who we are as a nation , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have come to the conclusion that who we are as a nation depends on the continued existence of ‘ dat ass.
’ ” “ While we ’ ve been letting the provinces take the lead on declaring essential services according to their specific needs , we felt in the case of ‘ dat ass ’ it was important for the federal government to step in and step up , even if it is a case of leading from the rear.
” Since every provincial government has already added ‘ dat ass ’ to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the federal announcement is primarily intended as a symbolic gesture to reassure Canadians that every level of government considers ‘ dat ass ’ a fundamental aspect of Canadian society and that , despite the economic and social upheaval of this unprecedented pandemic event , ‘ dat ass ’ will not be left behind .
“ It ’ s such a relief to know the government is taking the pandemic ’ s effects on ‘ dat ass ’ seriously , ” said Doctor Heather Larkins-Reed , a professor of Datassology at McGill University and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ experts on ‘ dat ass , ’ ‘ dis ass , ’ and the far more obscure ‘ dother ass.
’ “ When the pandemic started , so many people , both scientists and civilians , contacted me in a panic , questioning if ‘ dat ass ’ will still be around when this whole thing is over and how we could possibly cope if it ’ s not , so I expect this announcement will allay a great deal of fear.
” “ In this time of upheaval and uncertainty , it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it comes to ‘ dat ass , ’ the government has our back.
” In light of recent hoarding activity , the federal government has also announced they will immediately begin to stockpile strategic reserves of trunk junk , sweater meat , and pocket rockets .

OTTAWA – Following weeks of public confusion, the federal government of Canada has finally declared that ‘dat ass’ is an essential service which must continue despite the coronavirus pandemic.
“In the best interests of the citizens of Canada, we have added ‘dat ass’ to the list of essential services that will be maintained during an emergency,” Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland said at a press conference to announce the government’s decision. “We can’t let this crisis change who we are as a nation, and after an in-depth consultation period we have come to the conclusion that who we are as a nation depends on the continued existence of ‘dat ass.’”
“While we’ve been letting the provinces take the lead on declaring essential services according to their specific needs, we felt in the case of ‘dat ass’ it was important for the federal government to step in and step up, even if it is a case of leading from the rear.”
Since every provincial government has already added ‘dat ass’ to their own lists of essential services, the federal announcement is primarily intended as a symbolic gesture to reassure Canadians that every level of government considers ‘dat ass’ a fundamental aspect of Canadian society and that, despite the economic and social upheaval of this unprecedented pandemic event, ‘dat ass’ will not be left behind.
“It’s such a relief to know the government is taking the pandemic’s effects on ‘dat ass’ seriously,” said Doctor Heather Larkins-Reed, a professor of Datassology at McGill University and one of the world’s foremost experts on ‘dat ass,’ ‘dis ass,’ and the far more obscure ‘dother ass.’
“When the pandemic started, so many people, both scientists and civilians, contacted me in a panic, questioning if ‘dat ass’ will still be around when this whole thing is over and how we could possibly cope if it’s not, so I expect this announcement will allay a great deal of fear.”
“In this time of upheaval and uncertainty, it’s comforting to know that when it comes to ‘dat ass,’ the government has our back.”
In light of recent hoarding activity, the federal government has also announced they will immediately begin to stockpile strategic reserves of trunk junk, sweater meat, and pocket rockets.


thebeaverton--2020-03-28--Staples releases limited edition homosexual agendas

CALGARY – Sales have skyrocketed for Staples Business Depot after the release of a limited-edition homosexual agenda .
“ I finally feel so organized , ” said Brian Rolands , 34 , while running his hand along the sturdy moleskine cover .
“ My favourite part is the monthly calendar highlighting important dates , holidays , and the Drag Race release schedule .
I also love that there is a designated area to record brunch plans.
” Rolands admitted that he expected the agendas to be more sparkly with “ Yas Queen ” or “ Slay Bitch ” embossed across @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was going in with outdated , preconceived ideas as to what the agenda “ should look like ” .
“ I was surprised as to how ordinary the agenda looks , ” exclaimed Rolands , ordering several more online for friends .
Flashier patterns , as well as a spectrum of colours and even some more muted tones for people who like that , will be available by the end of the month .
According to the product description , customers are encouraged to choose a design that works for them .
However @ @ @ @ @ @ @ supply chain ’ s new line of organizers .
“ How dare Staples push the homosexual agenda , ” declared Debbie Markley , one of three members of the Christian Right group One Million Moms .
“ We are upholding traditional family values and the fact that the calendar gives each day its own box , while Saturday and Sunday have to share one , is blasphemous !
“ Sunday is the Lord ’ s day and I want to fill my box with the Lord , ” added Markley , pushing back @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cite the colourful tab dividers and the to-do list section as “ clear proof that the homosexuals are organizing.
” “ Next , they ’ ll infiltrate schools , bathrooms , the military , malls , churches , and the government in order to promote a certain lifestyle .
They ’ ve already co-opted Halloween .
What ’ s next ?
Louis Riel Day ?
Think of the children !
” One Million Moms have taken issue with the agenda ’ s outside pen loop , as the “ inserting of a pencil @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lined pages dedicated for notes as encouraging sinful thoughts .
In regards to the backlash , Staples CEO Jeff Binders stated that they don ’ t plan on removing their most popular item .
“ We , like every other company out there , are jumping on the ‘ woke ’ bandwagon and capitalizing off social movements .
Now that it ’ s cool to do so , we ’ re taking a stand and drawing a clean , solid line between church and state – with the new rainbow PrideTM chisel tip @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Staples have announced the production of a Christian Right daily planner with “ Love thy neighbour as thyself ” on the front cover and a double sided pocket page for storing double standards .

CALGARY – Sales have skyrocketed for Staples Business Depot after the release of a limited-edition homosexual agenda.
“I finally feel so organized,” said Brian Rolands, 34, while running his hand along the sturdy moleskine cover. “My favourite part is the monthly calendar highlighting important dates, holidays, and the Drag Race release schedule. I also love that there is a designated area to record brunch plans.”
Rolands admitted that he expected the agendas to be more sparkly with “Yas Queen” or “Slay Bitch” embossed across their covers, but soon realized he was going in with outdated, preconceived ideas as to what the agenda “should look like”.
“I was surprised as to how ordinary the agenda looks,” exclaimed Rolands, ordering several more online for friends.
Flashier patterns, as well as a spectrum of colours and even some more muted tones for people who like that, will be available by the end of the month. According to the product description, customers are encouraged to choose a design that works for them.
However, not everyone has supported the office supply chain’s new line of organizers.
“How dare Staples push the homosexual agenda,” declared Debbie Markley, one of three members of the Christian Right group One Million Moms. “We are upholding traditional family values and the fact that the calendar gives each day its own box, while Saturday and Sunday have to share one, is blasphemous!
“Sunday is the Lord’s day and I want to fill my box with the Lord,” added Markley, pushing back her mullet. Markley went on the cite the colourful tab dividers and the to-do list section as “clear proof that the homosexuals are organizing.”
“Next, they’ll infiltrate schools, bathrooms, the military, malls, churches, and the government in order to promote a certain lifestyle. They’ve already co-opted Halloween. What’s next? Louis Riel Day? Think of the children!” One Million Moms have taken issue with the agenda’s outside pen loop, as the “inserting of a pencil motion” suggested sodomy and the 30 lined pages dedicated for notes as encouraging sinful thoughts.
In regards to the backlash, Staples CEO Jeff Binders stated that they don’t plan on removing their most popular item. “We, like every other company out there, are jumping on the ‘woke’ bandwagon and capitalizing off social movements. Now that it’s cool to do so, we’re taking a stand and drawing a clean, solid line between church and state – with the new rainbow PrideTM chisel tip permanent marker!”
At press time, Staples have announced the production of a Christian Right daily planner with “Love thy neighbour as thyself” on the front cover and a double sided pocket page for storing double standards.


thebeaverton--2020-03-27--Alberta’s health minister models excellent physical distancing by yelling at people from at least 2

Alberta’s health minister models excellent physical distancing by yelling at people from at least 2 meters away

EDMONTON – Alberta Health Minister Tyler Shandro is practicing what he preaches by committing to only respond to people who ’ ve accused him of unethically benefiting from his role as public servant by shouting at them from a safe distance or threatening them through electronic messaging .
“ If you have a disagreement with someone , it ’ s important to stay 2-3 meters away from them while standing outside their homes and yelling at them , ” the UCP MLA said while taking a break from screaming at one of his neighbours .
“ No matter how much @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have to refrain from getting up in someone ’ s face during this pandemic .
Get up in their business , sure , but stay away from their face.
” “ And if you ’ re going to organize a group or ‘ mob ’ to go to someone ’ s house to bellow abuse at them , make sure to keep it to fewer than 15 people , as per the province ’ s guidelines , ” Shandro added .
As a health minister , Shandro considers it his duty to demonstrate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in every instance of him telling off anyone who has accused him of having a conflict of interest because he is part owner of a company that stands to benefit from cuts to Alberta ’ s provincial health coverage , the telling off has been executed from a safe distance and all future tellings off will continue to be executed from safe distances in the interests of public health .
“ While some accusations may still require a personal presence to shriekingly refute them , if you can threaten people into silence by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ course preferable , ” Shandro said , firing off another email vowing to unleash the legislature ’ s security services on a citizen who questioned his ethics .
“ We all have to do our part to stop the spread of COVID-19 and also the spread of any discussion of the allegation that several members of my family are personally benefiting from decisions I ’ ve made while in government.
” At press time , Shandro was addressing NDP leader Rachel Notley ’ s calls for him to step down by shouting at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

EDMONTON – Alberta Health Minister Tyler Shandro is practicing what he preaches by committing to only respond to people who’ve accused him of unethically benefiting from his role as public servant by shouting at them from a safe distance or threatening them through electronic messaging.
“If you have a disagreement with someone, it’s important to stay 2-3 meters away from them while standing outside their homes and yelling at them,” the UCP MLA said while taking a break from screaming at one of his neighbours. “No matter how much we might want to, we all have to refrain from getting up in someone’s face during this pandemic. Get up in their business, sure, but stay away from their face.”
“And if you’re going to organize a group or ‘mob’ to go to someone’s house to bellow abuse at them, make sure to keep it to fewer than 15 people, as per the province’s guidelines,” Shandro added.
As a health minister, Shandro considers it his duty to demonstrate proper physical distancing by ensuring that, in every instance of him telling off anyone who has accused him of having a conflict of interest because he is part owner of a company that stands to benefit from cuts to Alberta’s provincial health coverage, the telling off has been executed from a safe distance and all future tellings off will continue to be executed from safe distances in the interests of public health.
“While some accusations may still require a personal presence to shriekingly refute them, if you can threaten people into silence by email or text, that is of course preferable,” Shandro said, firing off another email vowing to unleash the legislature’s security services on a citizen who questioned his ethics.
“We all have to do our part to stop the spread of COVID-19 and also the spread of any discussion of the allegation that several members of my family are personally benefiting from decisions I’ve made while in government.”
At press time, Shandro was addressing NDP leader Rachel Notley’s calls for him to step down by shouting at her from the street outside her house.


thebeaverton--2020-03-27--Netflix’s “Are You Still Watching” only social contact in days

CANADA – As coronavirus social distancing approaches its second full week , single-person households across the country report Netflix ’ s autoprompt reminding them that they are alone – so , so alone .
After countless hours spent binging TV in the 400-square-foot coffin they share with a family of silverfish , those living alone say the usually irritating “ are you still watching ?
” messages from Netflix are now “ as welcome as a lover ’ s caress ” .
“ One time I thought I heard someone calling my name but it was just a popup porn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tenant , Lianna Sandhu , who has started naming the silverfish and taking them for walks .
Other solo Canadians report resorting to desperate measures like holding hands with their houseplants , and removing the stickers from their webcams so at least hackers can join them for dinner .
Health Canada recommends people experiencing loneliness due to social distancing “ just download Skype or something ” and also to “ stop being such desperate losers.
” “ We ’ re kinda tied up at the moment , ” replied Health Canada lead viral @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a book ?
I dunno , I ’ m busy !
” However , some lone Canadians report they are doing just fine .
“ If you tie a sweater really tight around your own shoulders it ’ s almost like having a friend , ” reported one Vancouver source who wishes to remain anonymous so their other sweaters don ’ t get jealous .
In other news , multi-person households across the nation report longing for the sweet release of death .

CANADA – As coronavirus social distancing approaches its second full week, single-person households across the country report Netflix’s autoprompt reminding them that they are alone – so, so alone.
After countless hours spent binging TV in the 400-square-foot coffin they share with a family of silverfish, those living alone say the usually irritating “are you still watching?” messages from Netflix are now “as welcome as a lover’s caress”.
“One time I thought I heard someone calling my name but it was just a popup porn ad” said Toronto basement studio apartment tenant, Lianna Sandhu, who has started naming the silverfish and taking them for walks.
Other solo Canadians report resorting to desperate measures like holding hands with their houseplants, and removing the stickers from their webcams so at least hackers can join them for dinner.
Health Canada recommends people experiencing loneliness due to social distancing “just download Skype or something” and also to “stop being such desperate losers.”
“We’re kinda tied up at the moment,” replied Health Canada lead viral epidemiologist Murray Trank. “Maybe read a book? I dunno, I’m busy!”
However, some lone Canadians report they are doing just fine. “If you tie a sweater really tight around your own shoulders it’s almost like having a friend,” reported one Vancouver source who wishes to remain anonymous so their other sweaters don’t get jealous.
In other news, multi-person households across the nation report longing for the sweet release of death.


thebeaverton--2020-03-27--Local badass only washes hands for 15 seconds

VANCOUVER – Resident troublemaker James Bryant rocked the health-and-hygiene world yesterday when he announced he had been washing his hands for only 15 seconds at a time , a full 5 seconds less than the currently recommended guidelines .
“ I ’ m not going to let fear rule my life , ” Bryant bragged to the press as he flipped open a switch-comb and brazenly used it to apply a rub-on tattoo .
“ Sometimes I don ’ t even wash the wrist .
I know that scares people , but that ’ s how I roll.
” Known @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scooter with his helmet chinstrap unfastened , ’ Bryant ’ s been riding the cutting edge of urban bravado since the day he waded through a beach tide despite the sign clearly stating there was no lifeguard on duty .
Since then he ’ s been thrilling his risk-addicted Instagram followers with a steady flow of daredevil feats , including running yellow lights , standing still in the passing lane of the escalator , and eating all the wasabi that came with his California roll .
But with this latest stunt , authorities @ @ @ @ @ @ @ too far .
“ He ’ s really taken us into uncharted territory , ” announced British Columbia Health Officer Dr. Bonnie Henry at her daily coronavirus briefing .
“ Every citizen in the province has done their part to keep this pandemic under control by self-isolating and washing their hands for the recommended length of time .
Bryant ’ s recklessness could lead to global chaos not seen since the Norwegian salsa double-dipping incident of ‘ 07.
” BC District Attorney David Eby is looking into the matter , and the province @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with their new media campaign , “ 15 Will Get You 30 .
”

VANCOUVER – Resident troublemaker James Bryant rocked the health-and-hygiene world yesterday when he announced he had been washing his hands for only 15 seconds at a time, a full 5 seconds less than the currently recommended guidelines.
“I’m not going to let fear rule my life,” Bryant bragged to the press as he flipped open a switch-comb and brazenly used it to apply a rub-on tattoo. “Sometimes I don’t even wash the wrist. I know that scares people, but that’s how I roll.”
Known locally as ‘that guy on the scooter with his helmet chinstrap unfastened,’ Bryant’s been riding the cutting edge of urban bravado since the day he waded through a beach tide despite the sign clearly stating there was no lifeguard on duty. Since then he’s been thrilling his risk-addicted Instagram followers with a steady flow of daredevil feats, including running yellow lights, standing still in the passing lane of the escalator, and eating all the wasabi that came with his California roll.
But with this latest stunt, authorities worry that Bryant may have finally gone too far.
“He’s really taken us into uncharted territory,” announced British Columbia Health Officer Dr. Bonnie Henry at her daily coronavirus briefing. “Every citizen in the province has done their part to keep this pandemic under control by self-isolating and washing their hands for the recommended length of time. Bryant’s recklessness could lead to global chaos not seen since the Norwegian salsa double-dipping incident of ‘07.”
BC District Attorney David Eby is looking into the matter, and the province is promoting harsh prison sentences for imitators with their new media campaign, “15 Will Get You 30.”


thebeaverton--2020-03-27--Local woman scrambling to find single presentable corner in decrepit apartment for work Skype meetin

Local woman scrambling to find single presentable corner in decrepit apartment for work Skype meeting

Gimli , MB – As workplaces across the globe are switching to a work from home model amid the Covid-19 pandemic , 26 year old administrative coordinator , Madeline Wilson was spotted scrambling to assemble a single presentable corner in her decrepit apartment for a work skype call .
“ I just don ’ t want them to see the squalor I live in , ” said Wilson as she arranged three potted plants behind her desk chair to cover exposed the wiring .
“ This unit has several issues that could lead to it being condemned by the city @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I can convince my coworkers I am living like a functional adult.
” Witnesses report Wilson has spent the past two hours manically trying to gussy up the dilapidated unit to create the perfect 3×4 foot diorama for her webcam , going so far as to paint the entire back wall black to cover up a spot of black mould .
Wilson had also ordered a generic Ikea print to cover up an embarrassing old True Blood poster and scrambled to find enough books to fill the top two rows of a bookshelf @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wearing pants , ” disclosed roommate Jeremy Hosta .
“ She ’ s just wearing a dickie .
Everything out of frame is utter chaos.
” When pressed on the location of the skype call , in the high traffic area of the living room she shares with her five roommates , Wilson was quick to defend her reasoning .
“ My bedroom wasn ’ t an option , obviously .
I don ’ t want them to know I sleep .
Plus It is just trashed .
I mean absolutely packed to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ water glasses .
It looks like the lair of a sewer dweller.
” Sources have also claimed the bathroom was briefly considered as the toilet was the only seat in the house not covered by a mountain of winter coats but Wilson ultimately decided the living room had the most potential , as the dim lighting beautifully concealed most of the crumbling drywall that lines the apartment .
“ I ’ ve lost track of what the call is even about , ” said Wilson .
“ Data analytics ?
Sales projections ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ is that I give my coworkers the illusion of looking put together.
” Wilson then delivered what appeared to be fatal stomps on several cockroaches .
At presstime , just as the call started one of Wilson ’ s roommates walked into frame to eat a big heaping bowl of pasta in their underwear .

Gimli, MB – As workplaces across the globe are switching to a work from home model amid the Covid-19 pandemic, 26 year old administrative coordinator, Madeline Wilson was spotted scrambling to assemble a single presentable corner in her decrepit apartment for a work skype call.
“I just don’t want them to see the squalor I live in,” said Wilson as she arranged three potted plants behind her desk chair to cover exposed the wiring. “This unit has several issues that could lead to it being condemned by the city, but with a little staging, I can convince my coworkers I am living like a functional adult.”
Witnesses report Wilson has spent the past two hours manically trying to gussy up the dilapidated unit to create the perfect 3×4 foot diorama for her webcam, going so far as to paint the entire back wall black to cover up a spot of black mould. Wilson had also ordered a generic Ikea print to cover up an embarrassing old True Blood poster and scrambled to find enough books to fill the top two rows of a bookshelf.
“She’s not even wearing pants,” disclosed roommate Jeremy Hosta. “She’s just wearing a dickie. Everything out of frame is utter chaos.”
When pressed on the location of the skype call, in the high traffic area of the living room she shares with her five roommates, Wilson was quick to defend her reasoning. “My bedroom wasn’t an option, obviously. I don’t want them to know I sleep. Plus It is just trashed. I mean absolutely packed to the brim with dirty laundry and old water glasses. It looks like the lair of a sewer dweller.”
Sources have also claimed the bathroom was briefly considered as the toilet was the only seat in the house not covered by a mountain of winter coats but Wilson ultimately decided the living room had the most potential, as the dim lighting beautifully concealed most of the crumbling drywall that lines the apartment.
“I’ve lost track of what the call is even about,” said Wilson. “Data analytics? Sales projections? Fuck if I know. What matters is that I give my coworkers the illusion of looking put together.” Wilson then delivered what appeared to be fatal stomps on several cockroaches.
At presstime, just as the call started one of Wilson’s roommates walked into frame to eat a big heaping bowl of pasta in their underwear.


thebeaverton--2020-03-26--Monopoly banned during quarantine to prevent homicide increase

OTTAWA – In the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic , the government of Canada has introduced legislation to ban the nation-wide use of Hasbro ’ s Monopoly in order to prevent any further uptick in board game related homicides .
“ We applaud the Canadian people for their cooperation during this difficult time , ” a spokesperson for the Crown declared , “ but despite recommendations from EMS , Police and even Poison Control , multiple households have played the deadly game of Monopoly , causing untold property damage and skyrocketing our homicide numbers.
” Prior to the current quarantine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 34 % of household murders , including 13 % of strangulation and a shocking 100 % of tiny-top-hat related clubbings .
Officials have advised citizens to be on the look-out for the tell-tale signs of surreptitious Monopoly games being played in their neighbourhoods , including but not limited to : rattling tables , game pieces strewn about the floor , and shouts of “ You have all the fucking railroads you dipshit !
” or “ Why the FUCK did you sell them Boardwalk AND Park Place ?
” The new legislation will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , which are expected to last for another 5 goddamn hours ?
!
Are you shitting me , Dave ?
!
What , being the banker not enough of a powertrip for you ?
!

OTTAWA – In the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, the government of Canada has introduced legislation to ban the nation-wide use of Hasbro’s Monopoly in order to prevent any further uptick in board game related homicides.
“We applaud the Canadian people for their cooperation during this difficult time,” a spokesperson for the Crown declared, “but despite recommendations from EMS, Police and even Poison Control, multiple households have played the deadly game of Monopoly, causing untold property damage and skyrocketing our homicide numbers.”
Prior to the current quarantine situation, Monopoly was responsible for approximately 34% of household murders, including 13% of strangulation and a shocking 100% of tiny-top-hat related clubbings.
Officials have advised citizens to be on the look-out for the tell-tale signs of surreptitious Monopoly games being played in their neighbourhoods, including but not limited to: rattling tables, game pieces strewn about the floor, and shouts of “You have all the fucking railroads you dipshit!” or “Why the FUCK did you sell them Boardwalk AND Park Place?”
The new legislation will exempt games of Monopoly currently being played, which are expected to last for another 5 goddamn hours?! Are you shitting me, Dave?! What, being the banker not enough of a powertrip for you?!


thebeaverton--2020-03-30--Locked down Canadians gather on balconies, struggle to collectively sing really fast part of One Wee

Locked down Canadians gather on balconies, struggle to collectively sing really fast part of One Week by Barenaked Ladies

TORONTO – After witnessing the popularity achieved by a group of locked down Italians singing in unison on their balconies a couple of weeks ago , a gang of Canadians assembled to try to sing ‘ One Week ’ by Barenaked Ladies with little success .
“ I was so moved by the spirit of unity I saw in that , excuse my pun – viral video , that I immediately called the condo manager of the building across from mine to set up our own Canadiana version !
” gushed student Samuel Chisamore from self-isolation .
The group amassed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pm last night and began screaming the lyrics at each other .
“ There was so much going against us , ” sighed Laci Coldstrop , a recently laid-off server .
“ It was really hard to hear the other people so no one started singing at the same time .
Oh and after the first line of the song , most of us just mumbled until we got to ‘ Chinese chicken , ’ then we just struggled through again.
” “ There was one guy across the balcony from mine who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Like he knew the lyrics too well , if that makes sense ?
Unnerving.
” The tenants of the two condominiums had gone back and forth over which song to sing together over the past week .
“ We tossed around the names of a couple other musicians before settling on Barenaked Ladies , ” reported Leyla Barzani , a payroll accountant working from home .
“ Gordon Lightfoot , Celine , Alanis Morissette , Drake , the Hip , and so on .
Ultimately we wanted to do ‘ One Week @ @ @ @ @ @ @ challenge !
How naive we were to think that this kind of teamwork could ever be fun !
” However , the gang of balcony-bound singers is planning on assembling every night to work their way through Barenaked Ladies ’ 12 studio album discography , even if the COVID-19 quarantine ends .

TORONTO – After witnessing the popularity achieved by a group of locked down Italians singing in unison on their balconies a couple of weeks ago, a gang of Canadians assembled to try to sing ‘One Week’ by Barenaked Ladies with little success.
“I was so moved by the spirit of unity I saw in that, excuse my pun – viral video, that I immediately called the condo manager of the building across from mine to set up our own Canadiana version!” gushed student Samuel Chisamore from self-isolation.
The group amassed on their respective balconies at around 6 pm last night and began screaming the lyrics at each other.
“There was so much going against us,” sighed Laci Coldstrop, a recently laid-off server. “It was really hard to hear the other people so no one started singing at the same time. Oh and after the first line of the song, most of us just mumbled until we got to ‘Chinese chicken,’ then we just struggled through again.”
“There was one guy across the balcony from mine who seemed a little too intense about it. Like he knew the lyrics too well, if that makes sense? Unnerving.”
The tenants of the two condominiums had gone back and forth over which song to sing together over the past week.
“We tossed around the names of a couple other musicians before settling on Barenaked Ladies,” reported Leyla Barzani, a payroll accountant working from home. “Gordon Lightfoot, Celine, Alanis Morissette, Drake, the Hip, and so on. Ultimately we wanted to do ‘One Week’ as a sort of fun nostalgic challenge! How naive we were to think that this kind of teamwork could ever be fun!”
However, the gang of balcony-bound singers is planning on assembling every night to work their way through Barenaked Ladies’ 12 studio album discography, even if the COVID-19 quarantine ends.


thebeaverton--2020-03-30--New puppy feeling a lot pressure to fill massive emotional void in owners heart

OTTAWA – Rover , a two-month-old mutt who was recently adopted by Kaleb Smith , is enjoying the frequent walks and treats but is worried he ’ s not equipped to handle the myriad of avoidant behaviours that come with Smith ’ s unaddressed issues from childhood .
“ Kaleb is the best owner .
He plays with me and feeds me and walks me , ” said Rover , wagging his adorable tail .
“ However he does have an insecure attachment caused by a distant father , and I ’ m just not equipped to deal with that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ around outside and asking for pats.
” “ Even if I had the appropriate training it ’ s not like I could go back in time and make his dad go to his softball games or give him a hug , ” Rover added , before sniffing a nearby sneaker .
Adopting a puppy is the latest in a long series of attempts by Smith to cure his psychological issues , including : meditation apps ; getting real into cross fit ; and staying in a dysfunctional relationship for way too long .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kaleb has yet to try is therapy where he goes for more than two sessions .
“ He says that I ’ m ‘ the best ’ and ‘ the cutest ’ and ‘ such a good boy ’ and that he ‘ loves me the most ’ , ” lamented Rover .
“ But he ’ s got to learn that he ’ s a good boy too .
As a dog , my two emotions are happy and hungry .
This guy has 23 versions of sadness.
” Following the adoption @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cat , Ms Kittie , but that just made the emotional void far worse , with the cat somehow laughing at his pain .

OTTAWA – Rover, a two-month-old mutt who was recently adopted by Kaleb Smith, is enjoying the frequent walks and treats but is worried he’s not equipped to handle the myriad of avoidant behaviours that come with Smith’s unaddressed issues from childhood.
“Kaleb is the best owner. He plays with me and feeds me and walks me,” said Rover, wagging his adorable tail. “However he does have an insecure attachment caused by a distant father, and I’m just not equipped to deal with that. Most of my wheelhouse is running around outside and asking for pats.”
“Even if I had the appropriate training it’s not like I could go back in time and make his dad go to his softball games or give him a hug,” Rover added, before sniffing a nearby sneaker.
Adopting a puppy is the latest in a long series of attempts by Smith to cure his psychological issues, including: meditation apps; getting real into cross fit; and staying in a dysfunctional relationship for way too long. According to sources, the one method Kaleb has yet to try is therapy where he goes for more than two sessions.
“He says that I’m ‘the best’ and ‘the cutest’ and ‘such a good boy’ and that he ‘loves me the most’,” lamented Rover. “But he’s got to learn that he’s a good boy too. As a dog, my two emotions are happy and hungry. This guy has 23 versions of sadness.”
Following the adoption of Rover, Smith immediately adopted a cat, Ms Kittie, but that just made the emotional void far worse, with the cat somehow laughing at his pain.


thebeaverton--2020-03-31--Local psychopath still planning on celebrating April Fools’ Day

Kelowna , BC – Local man and absolute lunatic George Black says that , despite literally everything happening right now , he still intends to go all out for April Fool ’ s Day .
“ I know people are dying and everyone is literally trapped inside their own homes right now , ” said Black .
“ So what better time could there be for some truly epic pranks !
” “ Maybe Coronavirus is gon na get ya .
But I definitely will , ” added the man who should be the subject of a Netflix documentary on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for pranks include jumping out and screaming ‘ ahh ’ at his mother as she panic cleans the house with listerine wipes , changing all the clocks so his dad will miss his scheduled conference call with the workplace that is considering laying him off , and messing up the kitchen using the last of the groceries .
“ Plus if none of that goes viral , I can always post a fake status claiming I have coronavirus .
Perfect prank for these trying and unprecedented times , ” Black said .
April @ @ @ @ @ @ @ known tradition whereby everyday people attempt to emulate the works of such comedic geniuses as George Clooney and Ashton Kutcher .
While most agree the holiday is an abomination even in normal circumstances , that has not prevented thousands of people from participating .
“ I can ’ t imagine many people will pull a prank this year .
Then again I didn ’ t think people would go on Spring Break during a pandemic either , so what the fuck do I know , ” said one Ministry of Health spokesperson .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ excited to go to one of the few remaining business open and start coughing .
The little fuck .

Kelowna, BC – Local man and absolute lunatic George Black says that, despite literally everything happening right now, he still intends to go all out for April Fool’s Day.
“I know people are dying and everyone is literally trapped inside their own homes right now,” said Black. “So what better time could there be for some truly epic pranks!”
“Maybe Coronavirus is gonna get ya. But I definitely will,” added the man who should be the subject of a Netflix documentary on the deranged.
Black’s ideas for pranks include jumping out and screaming ‘ahh’ at his mother as she panic cleans the house with listerine wipes, changing all the clocks so his dad will miss his scheduled conference call with the workplace that is considering laying him off, and messing up the kitchen using the last of the groceries.
“Plus if none of that goes viral, I can always post a fake status claiming I have coronavirus. Perfect prank for these trying and unprecedented times,” Black said.
April Fool’s Day is a well known tradition whereby everyday people attempt to emulate the works of such comedic geniuses as George Clooney and Ashton Kutcher. While most agree the holiday is an abomination even in normal circumstances, that has not prevented thousands of people from participating.
“I can’t imagine many people will pull a prank this year. Then again I didn’t think people would go on Spring Break during a pandemic either, so what the fuck do I know,” said one Ministry of Health spokesperson.
At press time, Black was so excited to go to one of the few remaining business open and start coughing. The little fuck.


thebeaverton--2020-03-31--Modern day Shakespeare? This woman wrote another explicit One Direction fanfic during quarantine

MISSISSAUGA , ON – As of yesterday , remote brand strategist Lana Frasier completed yet another One Direction fanfiction during self-isolation .
“ Yeah , I heard that Shakespeare wrote King Lear while quarantined during the plague which I guess is pretty impressive , ” said Frasier , typing away furiously on her laptop .
“ I took that info as my cue to make the most of this pandemic and to create equally revered historic literature !
” Frasier , a frequent contributor to Wattpad under the username @ livelaughlarry67 , has used social distancing to her artistic benefit @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has been feverishly publishing instalments of her highly erotic Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson fanfic nearly every hour .
“ The quarantine and general uncertainty of the state of the world has been amazing for me creatively , ” the young author confessed , gnawing at her cuticles .
“ Although I primarily focus on Larry fanfics , I have opened myself up to imagine the possibility of Narry or even Ziall storylines.
” Though the British pop group One Direction has been on hiatus since 2016 , many readers yearn for authentic 1D fanfic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is the reincarnation of the Bard , ” gushed avid reader @ otpcantfukwithme .
“ When she describes a tryst gone wrong between Harry , Louis , and Y/N- now that ’ s a real tragedy.
” As of press time , Frasier has been approached by several publishing houses to secure the book rights to her most popular fanfic , One Erection : ‘ More Sinned Against Than Sinning .
’

MISSISSAUGA, ON – As of yesterday, remote brand strategist Lana Frasier completed yet another One Direction fanfiction during self-isolation.
“Yeah, I heard that Shakespeare wrote King Lear while quarantined during the plague which I guess is pretty impressive,” said Frasier, typing away furiously on her laptop. “I took that info as my cue to make the most of this pandemic and to create equally revered historic literature!”
Frasier, a frequent contributor to Wattpad under the username @livelaughlarry67, has used social distancing to her artistic benefit. Over this past week, she has been feverishly publishing instalments of her highly erotic Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson fanfic nearly every hour.
“The quarantine and general uncertainty of the state of the world has been amazing for me creatively,” the young author confessed, gnawing at her cuticles. “Although I primarily focus on Larry fanfics, I have opened myself up to imagine the possibility of Narry or even Ziall storylines.”
Though the British pop group One Direction has been on hiatus since 2016, many readers yearn for authentic 1D fanfic now more than ever.
“She is the reincarnation of the Bard,” gushed avid reader @otpcantfukwithme. “When she describes a tryst gone wrong between Harry, Louis, and Y/N- now that’s a real tragedy.”
As of press time, Frasier has been approached by several publishing houses to secure the book rights to her most popular fanfic, One Erection: ‘More Sinned Against Than Sinning.’


thebeaverton--2020-03-31--Doug Ford extends quarantine after learning how long it takes to grow out bangs

TORONTO – Having announced a two-week-long state of emergency roughly two weeks ago , Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced that the province-wide order would be extended after he learned how long it takes to grow out home-cut bangs .
“ Folks , we are in the middle of an unprecedented public health emergency , ” stated Ford in a videotaped statement that cropped out most of his forehead .
“ This is why every Ontarian who can needs to stay home for as long as it takes for any hasty , amateur barber mistakes to be resolved.
” Members of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ salon industry praised the move as a responsible way to mitigate the dual COVID-19 and styling crises .
“ Many individuals may find it tempting at this time to make unorthodox decisions that will adversely affect their hair health , ” explained the provincial government ’ s senior hair spokesperson Velvet Lang .
“ It ’ s important to remember that there will be a time after all this , and by then it probably won ’ t be hat season any more.
” Members of the Ford family have insisted that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his hair is expected to recover without the need for any drastic interventions .
Sources close to the premier ’ s office , however , have reported that Ford has been asking some of his advisors what they think he ’ d look like as a redhead .

TORONTO – Having announced a two-week-long state of emergency roughly two weeks ago, Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced that the province-wide order would be extended after he learned how long it takes to grow out home-cut bangs.
“Folks, we are in the middle of an unprecedented public health emergency,” stated Ford in a videotaped statement that cropped out most of his forehead. “This is why every Ontarian who can needs to stay home for as long as it takes for any hasty, amateur barber mistakes to be resolved.”
Members of both the public health sector and the salon industry praised the move as a responsible way to mitigate the dual COVID-19 and styling crises.
“Many individuals may find it tempting at this time to make unorthodox decisions that will adversely affect their hair health,” explained the provincial government’s senior hair spokesperson Velvet Lang. “It’s important to remember that there will be a time after all this, and by then it probably won’t be hat season any more.”
Members of the Ford family have insisted that the premier is in good spirits and that his hair is expected to recover without the need for any drastic interventions. Sources close to the premier’s office, however, have reported that Ford has been asking some of his advisors what they think he’d look like as a redhead.


thebeaverton--2020-04-01--Local woman joins dating apps in hopes of having pandemic love story

GRIMSBY , ONT – In the midst of the worst global pandemic in recent history , 27-year-old Laura Wallsh has joined multiple dating apps in hopes of swiping right on the greatest love story of her life .
“ How adorable would it be to meet the love of my life when I ’ m not supposed to meet anyone at all ?
” stated Wallsh .
“ We ’ ll tell the story on our wedding day , and remind our children every day that if not for the exponential global spread of a deadly virus that infected and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they wouldn ’ t be here , ” she explained with a glimmer of romantic hope in her eyes .
As COVID-19 continues to spread across Canada , the government highly recommends that people engage in social distancing .
This means maintaining 2 meters distance between yourself and others , self-isolating and not engaging in social activities .
However , this has not deterred Wallsh from creating her own version of the romance novel “ Five Feet Apart.
” According to Wallsh ’ s profile , she is easy-going , quirky , adventurous @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when it comes to dating in quarantine .
“ We can park on opposite sides of the empty mall parking lot and powerfully yell sweet nothings to each other through rolled down car windows , go for a walk on opposite sides of the street , or eat leftovers 20-feet apart in the middle of an open field .
We just have to meet sometime before quarantine is over.
” As Wallsh enters her 18th day of self-isolation , the thirst for a quarantine romance is stronger than ever .
As the pool @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has had to make some minor adjustments to her dating profiles .
She has expanded her search to include those who are aged 21 to 69 , within1,500 kilometres and are Scorpios , even though Wallsh herself is a Gemini , and they are astrologically incompatibility .
Confirming that Wallsh only broke-up with him so she could meet someone during quarantine , Wallsh ’ s ex-boyfriend wishes her all the best on her new dating journey .

GRIMSBY, ONT – In the midst of the worst global pandemic in recent history, 27-year-old Laura Wallsh has joined multiple dating apps in hopes of swiping right on the greatest love story of her life.
“How adorable would it be to meet the love of my life when I’m not supposed to meet anyone at all?” stated Wallsh. “We’ll tell the story on our wedding day, and remind our children every day that if not for the exponential global spread of a deadly virus that infected and killed hundreds of thousands of people, they wouldn’t be here,” she explained with a glimmer of romantic hope in her eyes.
As COVID-19 continues to spread across Canada, the government highly recommends that people engage in social distancing. This means maintaining 2 meters distance between yourself and others, self-isolating and not engaging in social activities. However, this has not deterred Wallsh from creating her own version of the romance novel “Five Feet Apart.”
According to Wallsh’s profile, she is easy-going, quirky, adventurous and doesn’t mind getting creative when it comes to dating in quarantine.
“We can park on opposite sides of the empty mall parking lot and powerfully yell sweet nothings to each other through rolled down car windows, go for a walk on opposite sides of the street, or eat leftovers 20-feet apart in the middle of an open field. We just have to meet sometime before quarantine is over.”
As Wallsh enters her 18th day of self-isolation, the thirst for a quarantine romance is stronger than ever. As the pool of potential boyfriends grows smaller, Wallsh has had to make some minor adjustments to her dating profiles. She has expanded her search to include those who are aged 21 to 69, within1,500 kilometres and are Scorpios, even though Wallsh herself is a Gemini, and they are astrologically incompatibility.
Confirming that Wallsh only broke-up with him so she could meet someone during quarantine, Wallsh’s ex-boyfriend wishes her all the best on her new dating journey.