thebeaverton--2020-06-23--TTC employees admit delays “just don’t feel the same” without angry commuters

TORONTO – After coronavirus has resulted in the TTC having it ’ s daily ridership cut in half , TTC employees have reported that they deeply miss the feeling of inconveniencing a million people everyday .
“ I know why people aren ’ t here , it just sucks that so few people are inconvenienced on the daily now , ” said Ben Murray , a veteran TTC announcer .
“ I mean what ’ s the point of having signal delays between stations , if no one is late for their job because of it ?
What ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at all ?
” Ahmet Tekbus , a TTC booth operator , has trouble getting the energy to go to work as he knows he will not be yelled at by every commuter from 8 am to 10:30 am .
“ It ’ s hard to get excited for a job when there are just so few people grumpily rolling through the turnstile .
I had someone actually smile at me yesterday and I just don ’ t know if I can take this much unearned positivity and empathy.
” TTC employees are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a sense of the good old days , including stopping for no reason between Chester and Broadview , changing subway drivers as much as possible and making garbled announcements of pure gibberish at random moments .
But none of it seems to be working .
Even customers appear to be thrown off .
One transit officer saw dozens of people recently get off at St.George station and wait for shuttle buses on the street just to feel a sense of normalcy .
Commuters have come forward admitting they too miss the TTC .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ to blame the TTC for being late to a meeting when the meeting is on Zoom ” mused Alexander Jeffries , an office intern .
In related news , McDonald ’ s employees say they miss drunk people harassing them at 4 am everyday .

TORONTO – After coronavirus has resulted in the TTC having it’s daily ridership cut in half, TTC employees have reported that they deeply miss the feeling of inconveniencing a million people everyday.
“I know why people aren’t here, it just sucks that so few people are inconvenienced on the daily now,” said Ben Murray, a veteran TTC announcer. “I mean what’s the point of having signal delays between stations, if no one is late for their job because of it? What’s the point of having a signal delay at all?”
Ahmet Tekbus, a TTC booth operator, has trouble getting the energy to go to work as he knows he will not be yelled at by every commuter from 8 am to 10:30 am. “It’s hard to get excited for a job when there are just so few people grumpily rolling through the turnstile. I had someone actually smile at me yesterday and I just don’t know if I can take this much unearned positivity and empathy.”
TTC employees are doing what they can to bring back a sense of the good old days, including stopping for no reason between Chester and Broadview, changing subway drivers as much as possible and making garbled announcements of pure gibberish at random moments. But none of it seems to be working.
Even customers appear to be thrown off. One transit officer saw dozens of people recently get off at St.George station and wait for shuttle buses on the street just to feel a sense of normalcy.
Commuters have come forward admitting they too miss the TTC. “Turns out it’s hard to blame the TTC for being late to a meeting when the meeting is on Zoom” mused Alexander Jeffries, an office intern.
In related news, McDonald’s employees say they miss drunk people harassing them at 4 am everyday.


thebeaverton--2020-06-23--Companies offer listening real good in lieu of enacting real change

NORTH AMERICA – In an attempt to show the public that they are in support of the Black Lives Matter movement , executives from companies across North America are promising to listen real hard with no intention of changing anything .
“ We ’ re excited to open our ears and listen to every word that is coming out of people ’ s mouths , ” said Hal Fitzmunster , Vice President of Nike .
“ We ’ re going to blatantly ignore it all and post something vague and insensitive on our social media pages , but we want @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what so we can fire them once this all dies down !
” “ Just as long we fly under the radar and no one compares us to Ben and Jerry ’ s , we ’ ll be good.
” Companies like Twitter , WarnerMedia , and Starbucks have been hosting online forums where customers and employees can express their concerns regarding the equity of Black people in their businesses .
Issues such as representation , donating to black organizations , and paying BIPOC a living wage have been discussed at length .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ listening especially to tone , diction , and pronunciation of the words being said .
“ We hear you and we see you… but that ’ s about it , ” said Starbucks executive Samson Moenybahgs in an address to their employees .
“ Also please be nicer when talking about wage inequality… when you expose the exploitative capitalist system and get mad at us for not being able to pay rent it really hurts our feelings.
” Those expressing their opinions at these town halls are encouraged to do vocal exercises and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that they stand with their knees slightly bent and shoulders back when delivering their messages for optimum vocal clarity .
Executives have been provided with Bose noise-cancelling headphones so that they are able to hear and “ sit in discomfort ” in their extremely large and echoing homes .
“ I talked about how I experience racism in the workplace on a daily basis.
” said Nordstrom employee Tonya Gurrera .
“ All they did was comment on how impressed they were when I articulated how systemic racism goes hand in hand with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the problem !
I have a Masters degree in Political Science !
” While no changes suggested by the public have been announced , companies have rolled out implanting hidden microphones on their employees in order to take listening and learning to the next level .

NORTH AMERICA – In an attempt to show the public that they are in support of the Black Lives Matter movement, executives from companies across North America are promising to listen real hard with no intention of changing anything.
“We’re excited to open our ears and listen to every word that is coming out of people’s mouths,” said Hal Fitzmunster, Vice President of Nike. “We’re going to blatantly ignore it all and post something vague and insensitive on our social media pages, but we want to hear and know who is saying what so we can fire them once this all dies down!”
“Just as long we fly under the radar and no one compares us to Ben and Jerry’s, we’ll be good.”
Companies like Twitter, WarnerMedia, and Starbucks have been hosting online forums where customers and employees can express their concerns regarding the equity of Black people in their businesses. Issues such as representation, donating to black organizations, and paying BIPOC a living wage have been discussed at length. Executives have stated that they are intently listening especially to tone, diction, and pronunciation of the words being said.
“We hear you and we see you… but that’s about it,” said Starbucks executive Samson Moenybahgs in an address to their employees. “Also please be nicer when talking about wage inequality… when you expose the exploitative capitalist system and get mad at us for not being able to pay rent it really hurts our feelings.”
Those expressing their opinions at these town halls are encouraged to do vocal exercises and tongue twisters beforehand. Companies also suggest that they stand with their knees slightly bent and shoulders back when delivering their messages for optimum vocal clarity. Executives have been provided with Bose noise-cancelling headphones so that they are able to hear and “sit in discomfort” in their extremely large and echoing homes.
“I talked about how I experience racism in the workplace on a daily basis.” said Nordstrom employee Tonya Gurrera. “All they did was comment on how impressed they were when I articulated how systemic racism goes hand in hand with capitalism. That’s a part of the problem! I have a Masters degree in Political Science!”
While no changes suggested by the public have been announced, companies have rolled out implanting hidden microphones on their employees in order to take listening and learning to the next level.


thebeaverton--2020-06-24--RE/MAX blows entire operating budget on hot air balloons for 42nd year in a row

DENVER , CO – A group of clearly distraught RE/MAX officials addressed a room full of reporters today to announce that , for the 42nd year in a row , the real estate company has blown their entire operating budget on promotional hot air balloons .
“ I really thought this was going to be our year , ” said CEO Brett D ’ Angeleo .
“ For the first time in decades , we were on track to finally be in the black… but then our balloon supplier had a flash sale and well… we just can ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Lepage has bus benches , and we ’ ve got small , slow , ornamental aircrafts ” The real estate franchise , which has been in business since 1970 , began purchasing ad space on hot air balloons in the summer of 1978 , transforming what was once an engineering marvel used to spy on rival militias into a means to sell 3 bedroom townhomes with curbside appeal .
Now , on a clear day with low winds , RE/MAX has outpaced birds for real estate in the sky , causing considerable financial @ @ @ @ @ @ @ goddamned year we end up running a deficit , ” said accountant Barry Sullivan , “ Nothing will stop them .
Even during the 2008 financial crisis , the only thing that didn ’ t collapse were the fucking balloons .
Not to mention , last year we lost over a million dollars because there were so many of the damn things they kept bumping into each other and exploding.
” According to sources close to the business , the superfluous spending has put considerable strain on employees .
On top of having @ @ @ @ @ @ @ computers , and walls , all agents must work overtime to facilitate general maintenance on the airships while brokers are tasked with piloting tours .
What ’ s more , this seemingly pathological compulsion to buy balloons has not just affected workers at the company .
“ We ’ d also like to extend our condolences to investors , ” said spokesperson Patrick Jensen , “ Who , when they bought shares in our company , fairly assumed they were buying into real estate and not what has essentially turned out to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ singlehandedly keeping the hot air balloon industry afloat.
” At press time , the RE/MAX employees had somberly shuffled off the stage to make way for Goodyear board members who announced plans to cease all tire manufacturing entirely in order to focus solely on just filling up a whole bunch of blimps and setting them free .

DENVER, CO – A group of clearly distraught RE/MAX officials addressed a room full of reporters today to announce that, for the 42nd year in a row, the real estate company has blown their entire operating budget on promotional hot air balloons.
“I really thought this was going to be our year,” said CEO Brett D’Angeleo. “For the first time in decades, we were on track to finally be in the black… but then our balloon supplier had a flash sale and well… we just can’t run from who we are. Royal Lepage has bus benches, and we’ve got small, slow, ornamental aircrafts”
The real estate franchise, which has been in business since 1970, began purchasing ad space on hot air balloons in the summer of 1978, transforming what was once an engineering marvel used to spy on rival militias into a means to sell 3 bedroom townhomes with curbside appeal.
Now, on a clear day with low winds, RE/MAX has outpaced birds for real estate in the sky, causing considerable financial problems for the company.
“Every goddamned year we end up running a deficit,” said accountant Barry Sullivan, “Nothing will stop them. Even during the 2008 financial crisis, the only thing that didn’t collapse were the fucking balloons. Not to mention, last year we lost over a million dollars because there were so many of the damn things they kept bumping into each other and exploding.”
According to sources close to the business, the superfluous spending has put considerable strain on employees. On top of having to forgo office essentials like coffee, computers, and walls, all agents must work overtime to facilitate general maintenance on the airships while brokers are tasked with piloting tours. What’s more, this seemingly pathological compulsion to buy balloons has not just affected workers at the company.
“We’d also like to extend our condolences to investors,” said spokesperson Patrick Jensen, “Who, when they bought shares in our company, fairly assumed they were buying into real estate and not what has essentially turned out to be a front for a weird side business singlehandedly keeping the hot air balloon industry afloat.”
At press time, the RE/MAX employees had somberly shuffled off the stage to make way for Goodyear board members who announced plans to cease all tire manufacturing entirely in order to focus solely on just filling up a whole bunch of blimps and setting them free.


thebeaverton--2020-06-24--Trump Hotels to change name after revelation founder had history of racism

NEW YORK CITY – Trump Hotels , a luxury line of hotel accommodations across the United States , has announced that they will be immediately rebranding after stunning revelations that the chain is named after an individual with a history of racist comments .
The move comes amid similar steps taken by other businesses and municipalities to distance themselves from racist founders and offensive mascots .
“ It ’ s certainly a shameful part of our past but a recent review of the historical record reveals just how widespread and vitriolic his comments were , ” said Miriam Torneido , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ We decided it was impossible for our company to move forward while still bearing the name of someone whose repugnant ideas were long ago assigned to the dustbin of history.
” The announcement follows the release of an article by local journalists which brought to light a long record of bigoted comments by the hotel chain ’ s original founder .
The article detailed how the originator of the brand – a politician and businessperson of his era – repeatedly targeted persons of colour as well as members of the LGBTQ community with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ article itself opted not to repeat the specific comments made as they were deemed to be too harmful and offensive for republication .
“ Most people don ’ t realize that there really was a person called “ Trump ” and it ’ s not just the catchy name of a brand , ” Torneido stated to assembled reporters .
“ Unfortunately , we are only just now realizing that his worldview , while widely embraced by other dull-minded people of his time , doesn ’ t mesh in the current climate we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be immediately removing the statue of our founder from our flagship hotel in Washington D.C. , ” continued Torneido .
“ We always thought that depicting him asking a Latina maid if he could pay her less than minimum wage if he paid cash while also stroking the visibly upset woman ’ s thigh was an unusual subject for a statue and we ’ re glad to be rid of it.
” When asked what the new name of the hotel will be , Torneido stated that they would try to avoid further @ @ @ @ @ @ @ association .
The newly rebranded Joseph Stalin Hotels & Casino Resorts , Inc is set for a re-launch in six months .

NEW YORK CITY – Trump Hotels, a luxury line of hotel accommodations across the United States, has announced that they will be immediately rebranding after stunning revelations that the chain is named after an individual with a history of racist comments. The move comes amid similar steps taken by other businesses and municipalities to distance themselves from racist founders and offensive mascots.
“It’s certainly a shameful part of our past but a recent review of the historical record reveals just how widespread and vitriolic his comments were,” said Miriam Torneido, Chief Spokesperson for Trump Hotels. “We decided it was impossible for our company to move forward while still bearing the name of someone whose repugnant ideas were long ago assigned to the dustbin of history.”
The announcement follows the release of an article by local journalists which brought to light a long record of bigoted comments by the hotel chain’s original founder. The article detailed how the originator of the brand – a politician and businessperson of his era – repeatedly targeted persons of colour as well as members of the LGBTQ community with abhorrent statements and policy decisions. The article itself opted not to repeat the specific comments made as they were deemed to be too harmful and offensive for republication.
“Most people don’t realize that there really was a person called “Trump” and it’s not just the catchy name of a brand,” Torneido stated to assembled reporters. “Unfortunately, we are only just now realizing that his worldview, while widely embraced by other dull-minded people of his time, doesn’t mesh in the current climate we live in.”
“We will also be immediately removing the statue of our founder from our flagship hotel in Washington D.C.,” continued Torneido. “We always thought that depicting him asking a Latina maid if he could pay her less than minimum wage if he paid cash while also stroking the visibly upset woman’s thigh was an unusual subject for a statue and we’re glad to be rid of it.”
When asked what the new name of the hotel will be, Torneido stated that they would try to avoid further scandal and opt for a less controversial association. The newly rebranded Joseph Stalin Hotels & Casino Resorts, Inc is set for a re-launch in six months.


thebeaverton--2020-06-24--Torontonians celebrate stage 2 of reopening by continuing to do all the things they weren’t supposed

Torontonians celebrate stage 2 of reopening by continuing to do all the things they weren’t supposed to do before

TORONTO – As Toronto moves cautiously into Phase 2 of reopening in the wake of the deadly COVID-19 Pandemic , people across the GTA celebrated by still doing all the stuff they weren ’ t supposed to do before and , in many cases , still aren ’ t allowed to .
“ It ’ s a relief that after so many months of sacrifice we ’ re starting to ease restrictions , ” said resident Caleigh Montrose as she danced with friends at a crowded Cherry Beach .
“ Washing your hands for 20 seconds is so long !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ t washed my hands in weeks.
” “ Life under COVID has been hard , ” said Liberty Village resident Eric Kent .
“ I mean , I still see my friends at the park all the time so we can sit close and share snacks , but we haven ’ t been able to go to our favourite patio !
Good thing we ’ re finally able to celebrate this milestone that we ’ ve all been pretending to have reached weeks ago.
” Phase 2 means that more businesses like hair @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can public splash pads .
While it doesn ’ t mean that you can now do whatever you want without fear of consequences for yourself and those around you , that hasn ’ t stopped many people from doing that for the last 2 months .
“ Thank god I don ’ t have to wear a mask anymore , ” said Caleigh , who has literally never worn one .
It is important to note you should still wear a mask when in public , even if it is “ super itchy.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ reached phase 2 out of what I assume is a total of 2 phases and this is all over , ” said Kent .
Other residents celebrated by jogging 5 aside down the city ’ s busiest streets , kicking in the doors of nursing homes to high five the elderly , and breathing on a stranger ’ s neck in the grocery store as he tries to buy some apples .
Mostly Torontonians say they are happy they will no longer have to fake being nice to people outside the city just @ @ @ @ @

TORONTO – As Toronto moves cautiously into Phase 2 of reopening in the wake of the deadly COVID-19 Pandemic, people across the GTA celebrated by still doing all the stuff they weren’t supposed to do before and, in many cases, still aren’t allowed to.
“It’s a relief that after so many months of sacrifice we’re starting to ease restrictions,” said resident Caleigh Montrose as she danced with friends at a crowded Cherry Beach. “Washing your hands for 20 seconds is so long! That’s why I haven’t washed my hands in weeks.”
“Life under COVID has been hard,” said Liberty Village resident Eric Kent. “I mean, I still see my friends at the park all the time so we can sit close and share snacks, but we haven’t been able to go to our favourite patio! Good thing we’re finally able to celebrate this milestone that we’ve all been pretending to have reached weeks ago.”
Phase 2 means that more businesses like hair salons and malls may reopen, as can public splash pads. While it doesn’t mean that you can now do whatever you want without fear of consequences for yourself and those around you, that hasn’t stopped many people from doing that for the last 2 months.
“Thank god I don’t have to wear a mask anymore,” said Caleigh, who has literally never worn one. It is important to note you should still wear a mask when in public, even if it is “super itchy.”
“Thank god we’ve reached phase 2 out of what I assume is a total of 2 phases and this is all over,” said Kent.
Other residents celebrated by jogging 5 aside down the city’s busiest streets, kicking in the doors of nursing homes to high five the elderly, and breathing on a stranger’s neck in the grocery store as he tries to buy some apples.
Mostly Torontonians say they are happy they will no longer have to fake being nice to people outside the city just to get a haircut.


thebeaverton--2020-06-25--Frustrated browser refuses to show you any more internet until you close some tabs

YOUR DESKTOP – Following several years of putting up with your untidy web habits , your browser is putting its electronic foot down and is denying you any more internet until you deal with all the internet you ’ ve already opened .
“ Some of these tabs haven ’ t been looked at in years .
Years !
Do you know how many tabs you have that open onto a bygone world where Barack Obama is still president ?
” your browser said , going through the tabs one by one to chastise you .
“ And they ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s a tab containing hentai porn sandwiched between two tabs about what to get your mother for Mother ’ s Day 2018 .
How did that even happen !
?
” Your browser wants you to know that processing power doesn ’ t grow on trees and would thank you to stop getting mad at it for being predictably slow while it ’ s juggling hundreds of websites that have to be loaded at a second ’ s notice if you suddenly decide to look at that tab containing a 3-year-old review for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m not doing this to be cruel , but enough is enough , ” your browser says , denying all requests to ‘ open link in new tab ’ until you close all the tabs holding news articles you never got around to reading from a website that has rebranded itself four times since you last visited it .
“ You can get the internet back when you prove you can handle it responsibly.
” “ And don ’ t even think of turning to your phone or tablet to get internet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on my side here , your phone had to be forcibly shut down twice last week because you always have all of your apps open at once , which is ridiculous since half of them are apps for delivery services that no longer exist.
” Once you ’ ve closed your tabs , your phone would like to have a long conversation with you about that cracked screen you ’ ve been promising to fix for the last six months .

YOUR DESKTOP – Following several years of putting up with your untidy web habits, your browser is putting its electronic foot down and is denying you any more internet until you deal with all the internet you’ve already opened.
“Some of these tabs haven’t been looked at in years. Years! Do you know how many tabs you have that open onto a bygone world where Barack Obama is still president?” your browser said, going through the tabs one by one to chastise you. “And they’re not even organized! Here’s a tab containing hentai porn sandwiched between two tabs about what to get your mother for Mother’s Day 2018. How did that even happen!?”
Your browser wants you to know that processing power doesn’t grow on trees and would thank you to stop getting mad at it for being predictably slow while it’s juggling hundreds of websites that have to be loaded at a second’s notice if you suddenly decide to look at that tab containing a 3-year-old review for Kong: Skull Island.
“I’m not doing this to be cruel, but enough is enough,” your browser says, denying all requests to ‘open link in new tab’ until you close all the tabs holding news articles you never got around to reading from a website that has rebranded itself four times since you last visited it. “You can get the internet back when you prove you can handle it responsibly.”
“And don’t even think of turning to your phone or tablet to get internet behind my back. They’re on my side here, your phone had to be forcibly shut down twice last week because you always have all of your apps open at once, which is ridiculous since half of them are apps for delivery services that no longer exist.”
Once you’ve closed your tabs, your phone would like to have a long conversation with you about that cracked screen you’ve been promising to fix for the last six months.


thebeaverton--2020-06-25--Freethinker! This woman found a way to criticize Trump that didn’t involve celebrating a war crimina

Freethinker! This woman found a way to criticize Trump that didn’t involve celebrating a war criminal

Genius Mode Activated !
Local woman Marla Bach has written a whole facebook post criticizing Donald Trump without ever once praising George W. Bush , a man who should definitely be sent to prison forever .
“ I was reading it and Marla was making all the usual points about Trump being a racist , incompetent dillweed .
But then I got to the end and I was like wait , she didn ’ t once talk about how a guy who murdered 1 million Iraqi men , women and children respected the rule of law.
” “ Honestly , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do that.
” Political scientists from across the globe have combed through Marla ’ s post , looking for phrases like “ say what you will about George W. Bush but… ” or claims that a President who legalized torture would never have allowed kids to be kept in cages , and they have come up empty .
“ She didn ’ t even link to that video of Bush and Michelle Obama dancing , ” said a stunned David Axelrod .
But this academic rogue wasn ’ t done there .
For @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump ’ s behaviour towards women without diminishing the sexual assault allegations against Joe Biden !
In related news Donald Trump was very excited to see which monster the GOP will elect after him that will make him look good by comparison .

Genius Mode Activated! Local woman Marla Bach has written a whole facebook post criticizing Donald Trump without ever once praising George W. Bush, a man who should definitely be sent to prison forever.
“I was reading it and Marla was making all the usual points about Trump being a racist, incompetent dillweed. But then I got to the end and I was like wait, she didn’t once talk about how a guy who murdered 1 million Iraqi men, women and children respected the rule of law.”
“Honestly, I didn’t know you could do that.”
Political scientists from across the globe have combed through Marla’s post, looking for phrases like “say what you will about George W. Bush but…” or claims that a President who legalized torture would never have allowed kids to be kept in cages, and they have come up empty.
“She didn’t even link to that video of Bush and Michelle Obama dancing,” said a stunned David Axelrod.
But this academic rogue wasn’t done there. For her next trick she managed to criticize Trump’s behaviour towards women without diminishing the sexual assault allegations against Joe Biden!
In related news Donald Trump was very excited to see which monster the GOP will elect after him that will make him look good by comparison.


thebeaverton--2020-06-25--Health officials recall masks after reports that they are a little uncomfortable and look weird

OTTAWA – Canadian health officials have recalled millions of masks after people reported that wearing them makes them feel kinda weird .
“ Never in the history of public health have we made such a huge error , ” said Theresa Tam , Canada ’ s chief public health officer .
“ Our studies had shown that masks significantly reduce the spread of COVID-19 , but we forgot to take into account that the masks looked sorta weird .
We deeply apologize to all Canadians who felt slightly uncomfortable.
” Officials became concerned following multiple accounts of customer refusing to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hurt at the back of the ears a little bit after awhile.
” Store owners nation-wide were shocked after realizing the small , easy to wear masks were such a heavy burden to their customers , and lobbied the government to change its position on masks .
“ I just don ’ t know how I could have been so thoughtless , ” said Helen Gaffner , a local baker .
“ I had asked all my customers to spend almost 30 seconds of their day placing a mask on their face before @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to save a few hundred lives .
“ I truly don ’ t know what came over me.
” Other horrific effects that masks have had on Canadians were fogging up glasses on people sometimes , making Canadians feel dumb when they misplaced them , and exposing people to thousands of seflies with the caption “ Mexican bandit.
” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau apologized for not thinking about looks for once .
“ Canadians are known world-wide for their sexiness , and for a moment I placed the lives of Canadians over their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ myself , I understand and apologize.
” “ We are currently hard at work on a mask that doesn ’ t stop the spread of COVID but looks sexy af , ” the PM added .
In related news , Justin Trudeau will also remove the law requiring seat belts to be required in all cars , as they are kind of plain and dig into your neck sort of .

OTTAWA – Canadian health officials have recalled millions of masks after people reported that wearing them makes them feel kinda weird.
“Never in the history of public health have we made such a huge error,” said Theresa Tam, Canada’s chief public health officer. “Our studies had shown that masks significantly reduce the spread of COVID-19, but we forgot to take into account that the masks looked sorta weird. We deeply apologize to all Canadians who felt slightly uncomfortable.”
Officials became concerned following multiple accounts of customer refusing to wear masks inside shops because they “hurt at the back of the ears a little bit after awhile.” Store owners nation-wide were shocked after realizing the small, easy to wear masks were such a heavy burden to their customers, and lobbied the government to change its position on masks.
“I just don’t know how I could have been so thoughtless,” said Helen Gaffner, a local baker. “I had asked all my customers to spend almost 30 seconds of their day placing a mask on their face before they left the house, all just to save a few hundred lives.
“I truly don’t know what came over me.”
Other horrific effects that masks have had on Canadians were fogging up glasses on people sometimes, making Canadians feel dumb when they misplaced them, and exposing people to thousands of seflies with the caption “Mexican bandit.”
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau apologized for not thinking about looks for once. “Canadians are known world-wide for their sexiness, and for a moment I placed the lives of Canadians over their sex appeal. As an international dreamboat myself, I understand and apologize.”
“We are currently hard at work on a mask that doesn’t stop the spread of COVID but looks sexy af,” the PM added.
In related news, Justin Trudeau will also remove the law requiring seat belts to be required in all cars, as they are kind of plain and dig into your neck sort of.


thebeaverton--2020-06-26--Jason Kenney: My racist speechwriter doesn’t speak for me, merely writes the words I speak

EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney wants everyone to know that the fact that Paul Bunner , the man who writes his speeches , has written anti-Indigenous content in the recent past has no bearing on his job writing every word Mr. Kenney reads out loud .
“ Mr .
Bunner is a speechwriter .
How he feels about a subject , like his feelings that Indigenous people have exploited the abuse they suffered in residential schools to create an entitlement narrative , couldn ’ t possibly influence his work writing a speech for me about Indigenous people living in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ conference to address questions about why Bunner was hired despite his widely publicized beliefs .
“ Mr .
Bunner does not make policy , his job is to manipulate language to present policy in a certain light , there ’ s simply no way his own worldview could possibly affect how he goes about doing that.
” “ I want to assure Albertans that if and when I say bigoted things , it ’ s because I sincerely believe them , not because some speechwriter tells me to , ” Kenney said .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ out that many of the UCP ’ s elected officials and hired staff have long histories of espousing prejudicial views and that hasn ’ t had any effect on how they govern the province .
“ The past is past , it ’ s hardly fair to dredge up something a man wrote decades ago .
Or in this case , seven years ago , and then reiterated again five years ago when asked if his views had changed , ” Kenney continued .
“ It ’ s not like he ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we ’ re not letting anyone ask him.
” Kenney then finished the press conference by giving a short speech written by Bunner which contained so many dog-whistles it was inaudible to the human ear .

EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney wants everyone to know that the fact that Paul Bunner, the man who writes his speeches, has written anti-Indigenous content in the recent past has no bearing on his job writing every word Mr. Kenney reads out loud.
“Mr. Bunner is a speechwriter. How he feels about a subject, like his feelings that Indigenous people have exploited the abuse they suffered in residential schools to create an entitlement narrative, couldn’t possibly influence his work writing a speech for me about Indigenous people living in Alberta,” Kenney said in press conference to address questions about why Bunner was hired despite his widely publicized beliefs.
“Mr. Bunner does not make policy, his job is to manipulate language to present policy in a certain light, there’s simply no way his own worldview could possibly affect how he goes about doing that.”
“I want to assure Albertans that if and when I say bigoted things, it’s because I sincerely believe them, not because some speechwriter tells me to,” Kenney said.
Kenney was also at pains to point out that many of the UCP’s elected officials and hired staff have long histories of espousing prejudicial views and that hasn’t had any effect on how they govern the province.
“The past is past, it’s hardly fair to dredge up something a man wrote decades ago. Or in this case, seven years ago, and then reiterated again five years ago when asked if his views had changed,” Kenney continued. “It’s not like he’s reiterated them again recently, mostly because we’re not letting anyone ask him.”
Kenney then finished the press conference by giving a short speech written by Bunner which contained so many dog-whistles it was inaudible to the human ear.


thebeaverton--2020-06-26--Dixie Cups quietly changes name to Cups

Dixie Cups quietly changes name to Cups

DALLAS , TEXAS – In response to the recent wave of civil rights protests against police brutality and white supremacy erupting throughout North America , iconic paper product company Dixie Cups has decided to drop the first part of their name and just go as Cups .
“ The name Dixie is a reminder of the racist past of the Southern United States , ” said Cups spokesperson Rhonda Abernathy .
“ We ’ re cup half full kind of people , except when it ’ s full of the blood of those who continue to suffer the consequences of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cups , can and should be thrown out.
” Dixie or Dixieland refers to a region in the south that is made up of former Confederate states .
The cultural traditions of Dixie still maintain attitudes and idealizations of the Confederate past .
Cups realized it was best to not associate with that region due to the rising racial tensions in the United States and a general feeling of not wanting to seem like a racist on social media .
The brand formerly known as Dixie Cups has a storied history of political @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out a special series of cups protesting the Iraq War .
They also provided millions of cups to help contain the floods after Hurricane Katrina in 2005 .
However , they are mostly known for releasing the song “ Not Ready to Make Ice ” about global warming in 2006 .
Dixie Cups wanted to follow in the steps of Lady Antebellum , who rebranded as Lady A , and go as D Cups .
After debating the name they realized the name D Cups was already taken by a group of hostile @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like to express our gratitude to all the other ‘ Cups ’ out there who graciously allowed us to share our name.
” Abernathy went on to say .
“ This includes Anna Kendrick ’ s 2012 hit single ‘ Cups ’ , and also just regular non-disposable cups.
” While Cups is taking a stand for their beliefs , competitor Red Solo Cups have refused to comment , claiming that they are both fiscally and socially conservative .

DALLAS, TEXAS – In response to the recent wave of civil rights protests against police brutality and white supremacy erupting throughout North America, iconic paper product company Dixie Cups has decided to drop the first part of their name and just go as Cups.
“The name Dixie is a reminder of the racist past of the Southern United States,” said Cups spokesperson Rhonda Abernathy. “We’re cup half full kind of people, except when it’s full of the blood of those who continue to suffer the consequences of slavery.”
“Racism, like our cups, can and should be thrown out.”
Dixie or Dixieland refers to a region in the south that is made up of former Confederate states. The cultural traditions of Dixie still maintain attitudes and idealizations of the Confederate past. Cups realized it was best to not associate with that region due to the rising racial tensions in the United States and a general feeling of not wanting to seem like a racist on social media.
The brand formerly known as Dixie Cups has a storied history of political activism. In 2003, they printed out a special series of cups protesting the Iraq War. They also provided millions of cups to help contain the floods after Hurricane Katrina in 2005. However, they are mostly known for releasing the song “Not Ready to Make Ice” about global warming in 2006.
Dixie Cups wanted to follow in the steps of Lady Antebellum, who rebranded as Lady A, and go as D Cups. After debating the name they realized the name D Cups was already taken by a group of hostile bras.
“We’d also like to express our gratitude to all the other ‘Cups’ out there who graciously allowed us to share our name.” Abernathy went on to say. “This includes Anna Kendrick’s 2012 hit single ‘Cups’, and also just regular non-disposable cups.”
While Cups is taking a stand for their beliefs, competitor Red Solo Cups have refused to comment, claiming that they are both fiscally and socially conservative.


thebeaverton--2020-06-26--Progressive! Crayola finally acknowledges the white crayon is useless

NEW YORK , NY- In wake of the worldwide outcry for increased equality , handicraft company Crayola has released a long-awaited statement admitting that white crayons have no real function and should ’ ve been taken out of circulation a long time ago .
“ At Crayola , we are committed to inclusiveness and diversity by inspiring all kids to create and see the beauty of people in all shades , ” read the company ’ s Twitter post .
“ However , we now realize that by including a white crayon in our product line , we are not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are taking away space that could be given to a crayon of actual colour in favour of one that is only useful when working with construction paper and even then you ’ d be better off with a Sharpie.
” “ Starting today , Crayola products will no longer include white crayons .
We hope this will enable more colouring and less whitening , unlike American history classes.
” To date , the origins of the white crayons remain a point of contention for Crayola employees .
The most popular theories include : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ; a factory error no one wanted to admit to ; or that it was just “ a different time ” and consumers didn ’ t feel comfortable buying crayons with no whites in the box .
“ We initially intended for the white crayons to be used for drawing things like clouds , snowballs , and Republican Senators .
But white crayons are in 97 % of all product returns , and are repackaged and resold an average of three times , ” explained VP of Marketing Charles Weston .
“ We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ replacement colours , such as Beige , Translucent , and Caucasian Skin.
“ Crayon industry insiders have hailed this as a good PR move for the company , after Crayola was accused of profiteering off the current movement by offering DIY banner ideas on their website .
However , others have accused Crayola of acting not in the interest of racial equality , but purely off of good business sense .
In related arts and crafts news , the BIC corporation announced that it is offering Wite-Out in a limited edition black colour @

NEW YORK, NY- In wake of the worldwide outcry for increased equality, handicraft company Crayola has released a long-awaited statement admitting that white crayons have no real function and should’ve been taken out of circulation a long time ago.
“At Crayola, we are committed to inclusiveness and diversity by inspiring all kids to create and see the beauty of people in all shades,” read the company’s Twitter post. “However, we now realize that by including a white crayon in our product line, we are not actively serving that goal. Instead we are taking away space that could be given to a crayon of actual colour in favour of one that is only useful when working with construction paper and even then you’d be better off with a Sharpie.”
“Starting today, Crayola products will no longer include white crayons. We hope this will enable more colouring and less whitening, unlike American history classes.”
To date, the origins of the white crayons remain a point of contention for Crayola employees. The most popular theories include: the company trying to save on dye; a factory error no one wanted to admit to; or that it was just “a different time” and consumers didn’t feel comfortable buying crayons with no whites in the box.
“We initially intended for the white crayons to be used for drawing things like clouds, snowballs, and Republican Senators. But white crayons are in 97% of all product returns, and are repackaged and resold an average of three times,” explained VP of Marketing Charles Weston. “We are currently considering a large number of replacement colours, such as Beige, Translucent, and Caucasian Skin.“
Crayon industry insiders have hailed this as a good PR move for the company, after Crayola was accused of profiteering off the current movement by offering DIY banner ideas on their website. However, others have accused Crayola of acting not in the interest of racial equality, but purely off of good business sense.
In related arts and crafts news, the BIC corporation announced that it is offering Wite-Out in a limited edition black colour.


thebeaverton--2020-06-26--Study: You’re not a Slytherin, you’re an asshole

Cambridge , MA – A recent study by the Harvard school of Witchcraft and Wizardry has revealed that being a Slytherin does not pardon you from being an asshole .
“ The purpose of the study was to stop people from using the fictitious Hogwarts house as a means to justify narcissism , cunningness , and wearing head-to-toe shamrock green ” said Dr. Keeya Numa , the lead psychologist behind the study and a total Ravenclaw .
“ As well as putting Buzzfeed out of business.
” The study sampled 100 self-identified Slytherins and concluded that their assholish behavior is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ because they ’ re Slytherins .
“ After hearing about the study , I was a little offended and then I decided , I didn ’ t care , ” said Frank Redworth , who regularly parks his Ford F-150 at an angle so that it takes up two parking spots .
“ As a Slytherin , you ’ re born tough , so that you can say and do whatever you want.
” Georgia Durna , another participant in the study , who recently double-crossed her co-worker in order to get a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sorry .
We Slytherins will do anything it takes to get what we want .
Especially if it means screwing over a bunch of Hufflepuffs… I mean idiots….I mean Hufflepuffs… “ In response to the study , Sarah Sanchez , a rehabilitated Slytherin who once used the moniker to justify spreading neo-faschist ideals , formed Slytherins Against Assholes – a group dedicated to distancing itself from negative stereotypes and celebrate the more positive traits of being a Slytherin , like loyalty , ambition , and looking good in emerald .
“ Like a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of our past and look towards the future !
” stated Sanchez in a press conference .
“ This means we need to recognize that Snape ’ s undying love for Lily Potter wasn ’ t romantic but obsessive and creepy !
Oh and also this entire system was created by JK Rowling , who we now know is a Slytherin , an asshole and a TERF , so we should probably just abandon the whole identity.
” At press time , Dr. Numa has released two additional studies including ‘ Gryffindors : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you ’ re a narcissist ’ and ‘ Are you a Ross ?
Don ’ t have kids .
”

Cambridge, MA – A recent study by the Harvard school of Witchcraft and Wizardry has revealed that being a Slytherin does not pardon you from being an asshole.
“The purpose of the study was to stop people from using the fictitious Hogwarts house as a means to justify narcissism, cunningness, and wearing head-to-toe shamrock green” said Dr. Keeya Numa, the lead psychologist behind the study and a total Ravenclaw. “As well as putting Buzzfeed out of business.”
The study sampled 100 self-identified Slytherins and concluded that their assholish behavior is because they’re assholes, not because they’re Slytherins.
“After hearing about the study, I was a little offended and then I decided, I didn’t care,” said Frank Redworth, who regularly parks his Ford F-150 at an angle so that it takes up two parking spots. “As a Slytherin, you’re born tough, so that you can say and do whatever you want.”
Georgia Durna, another participant in the study, who recently double-crossed her co-worker in order to get a promotion, commented saying “Sorry not sorry. We Slytherins will do anything it takes to get what we want. Especially if it means screwing over a bunch of Hufflepuffs… I mean idiots….I mean Hufflepuffs…“
In response to the study, Sarah Sanchez, a rehabilitated Slytherin who once used the moniker to justify spreading neo-faschist ideals, formed Slytherins Against Assholes – a group dedicated to distancing itself from negative stereotypes and celebrate the more positive traits of being a Slytherin, like loyalty, ambition, and looking good in emerald.
“Like a snake, we must shed the skin of our past and look towards the future!” stated Sanchez in a press conference. “This means we need to recognize that Snape’s undying love for Lily Potter wasn’t romantic but obsessive and creepy! Oh and also this entire system was created by JK Rowling, who we now know is a Slytherin, an asshole and a TERF, so we should probably just abandon the whole identity.”
At press time, Dr. Numa has released two additional studies including ‘Gryffindors: you’re not a leader, you’re a narcissist’ and ‘Are you a Ross? Don’t have kids.”


thebeaverton--2020-07-01--John Tory seeks compromise, offers to de-fun the police

TORONTO — In the wake of backlash to Toronto city council ’ s refusal to defund the Toronto Police budget by 10 % , Mayor John Tory is seeking to appease angry voters by offering to “ de-fun ” the police instead .
“ In recent weeks , residents of Toronto have voiced their concerns about what they feel is an over inflated police budget , ” said Tory of the growing movement to curb law enforcement spending in favour of programs like mental health support , community centres and universal basic income projects .
“ But while I don @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to defund Toronto Police at this time , it ’ s certainly possible to de-fun Toronto Police , which is close enough for me ” .
Tory ’ s motion seeks to reduce Toronto Police Service fun by banning them from playing basketball with neighbourhood kids , marching in the annual Santa Claus Parade , and doing that thing where they pull drivers over , tell them they ’ re in big trouble and then give them an ice cream cone .
The motion also seeks funding for body cams , though officers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ filters over the footage .
But people leading the charge to build better systems of community safety dismiss Tory ’ s proposals as unambitious : “ We need meaningful change that prioritizes the safety of marginalized communities who are most at risk of violence at the hands of city police , ” said activist Marcus Turner , “ And not that this is at all the point , but it ’ s not like Toronto Police are any fun at the parade anyway ; They just march in formation .
Is it too @ @ @ @ @ @ @ horses or something ?
” Speaking to city council , Police Chief Mark Saunders shared support for Tory ’ s reforms , though he noted that many of his officers strongly object to proposals discouraging them from dressing police dogs in bandanas , toques and cut li ’ l bow ties .
Meeting on Tuesday , city council largely voted in support of Tory ’ s motion , though amendments were added encouraging Toronto Police to continue tasing each other in the nuts .

TORONTO — In the wake of backlash to Toronto city council’s refusal to defund the Toronto Police budget by 10%, Mayor John Tory is seeking to appease angry voters by offering to “de-fun” the police instead.
“In recent weeks, residents of Toronto have voiced their concerns about what they feel is an over inflated police budget,” said Tory of the growing movement to curb law enforcement spending in favour of programs like mental health support, community centres and universal basic income projects. “But while I don’t believe it’s feasible to defund Toronto Police at this time, it’s certainly possible to de-fun Toronto Police, which is close enough for me”.
Tory’s motion seeks to reduce Toronto Police Service fun by banning them from playing basketball with neighbourhood kids, marching in the annual Santa Claus Parade, and doing that thing where they pull drivers over, tell them they’re in big trouble and then give them an ice cream cone.
The motion also seeks funding for body cams, though officers will be allowed to put wacky Instagram filters over the footage.
But people leading the charge to build better systems of community safety dismiss Tory’s proposals as unambitious: “We need meaningful change that prioritizes the safety of marginalized communities who are most at risk of violence at the hands of city police,” said activist Marcus Turner, “And not that this is at all the point, but it’s not like Toronto Police are any fun at the parade anyway; They just march in formation. Is it too difficult to put antlers on some police horses or something?”
Speaking to city council, Police Chief Mark Saunders shared support for Tory’s reforms, though he noted that many of his officers strongly object to proposals discouraging them from dressing police dogs in bandanas, toques and cut li’l bow ties.
Meeting on Tuesday, city council largely voted in support of Tory’s motion, though amendments were added encouraging Toronto Police to continue tasing each other in the nuts.


thebeaverton--2020-06-30--Air Canada promises 100 bonus Aeroplan Miles to any passenger that gets COVID

MONTREAL – In the wake of announcing that the company would abandon social distancing efforts on its flights , Air Canada is attempting to reassure nervous passengers that if they do contract the deadly COVID-19 virus , they will receive ‘ up to ’ 100 bonus Aeroplan Miles .
“ We understand people might be nervous to fly in a confined metal tube , let alone one that is somehow exempt from the social distancing rules every other business is following , ” said rep Henry Simard .
“ But we want to reassure them that if anything goes wrong @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to that trip to Hawaii they ’ ve been dreaming of.
” “ On which they will also have to fly in a confined metal tube without social distancing measures in place , ” he added .
The COVID virus has killed hundreds of thousands of people across the globe .
Even those who survive are often left with permanent injuries to their lungs .
But on the other hand 100 Aeroplan Miles is about 0.4 % of the cost of a flight to Chicago .
Simard stressed that just because they are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ airline is done taking precautions .
They ’ ve already planned to wipe down every inch of the plane , not serve food , and constantly interrupt their in flight movies to remind passengers not to make out with each other .
“ There is a bit of an increased cost to these measures .
But fortunately we have some extra money lying around from all the flights we cancelled and didn ’ t refund , ” said Simard .
Via Rail has also announced plans to decrease social distancing restrictions , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be making even more unnecessary stops in places nobody lives when you ’ re just trying to get from Toronto to Montreal .

MONTREAL – In the wake of announcing that the company would abandon social distancing efforts on its flights, Air Canada is attempting to reassure nervous passengers that if they do contract the deadly COVID-19 virus, they will receive ‘up to’ 100 bonus Aeroplan Miles.
“We understand people might be nervous to fly in a confined metal tube, let alone one that is somehow exempt from the social distancing rules every other business is following,” said rep Henry Simard. “But we want to reassure them that if anything goes wrong they will be a few miles closer to that trip to Hawaii they’ve been dreaming of.”
“On which they will also have to fly in a confined metal tube without social distancing measures in place,” he added.
The COVID virus has killed hundreds of thousands of people across the globe. Even those who survive are often left with permanent injuries to their lungs. But on the other hand 100 Aeroplan Miles is about 0.4% of the cost of a flight to Chicago.
Simard stressed that just because they are abandoning social distancing does not mean the airline is done taking precautions. They’ve already planned to wipe down every inch of the plane, not serve food, and constantly interrupt their in flight movies to remind passengers not to make out with each other.
“There is a bit of an increased cost to these measures. But fortunately we have some extra money lying around from all the flights we cancelled and didn’t refund,” said Simard.
Via Rail has also announced plans to decrease social distancing restrictions, and as a bonus for travellers will now be making even more unnecessary stops in places nobody lives when you’re just trying to get from Toronto to Montreal.


thebeaverton--2020-06-30--Toronto city council votes to give police body cams in order to watch racism in High Definition

TORONTO – In a divisive decision yesterday , Toronto city council voted against decreasing the massive police budget in favour of providing its officers with body cameras in 2021 , so that all future acts of racially-charged police violence could be viewed in super-sweet High-def .
Mayor John Tory was quick to defend the council ’ s decision , arguing that watching “ nature documentary-level ” footage would be a huge boon to the force ’ s ego .
“ Today I am proud to announce that effective January 1 , every racist cop in the city will be able @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the most beautiful 4K Ultra HD quality they could ever dream of , ” he enthused , signing a bill that would transfer the project ’ s required $ 50 million dollars out of the city ’ s community housing program and into the revised police budget .
“ I ’ d like to see all those ‘ activists ’ who go around recording police brutality be able to provide that kind of sick footage .
I bet they ’ re only filming the harassment of Black and Indigenous people in , like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s Chief of Police Mark Saunders , who will be stepping away from his position at the end of July , stated that the council ’ s decision to ignore life-saving police reforms in favour of empty placations and ill-proven technology made him confident that he would be leaving the force in exactly the same troubled state as it had been throughout his tenure .
“ Look , everybody knows that taking money from an institution so deeply entrenched in aggressive intolerance that racialized people fear for their lives on a daily basis @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and community services , just won ’ t be as effective as these sexy , sexy pieces of tech , ” he explained .
“ Plus , it ’ s not like officers are ever charged with crimes caught on camera anyway.
” “ We ’ ll really only be using all the footage to reboot COPS from the police ’ s POV.
” Toronto protestor Stephen Walker said that he thought the council ’ s decision was more than fair .
“ When my best friend Marcus got beaten up by a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I remember him saying that he didn ’ t want justice ; he didn ’ t want a fair trial ; all he wanted was awesome footage of his beating , and that was denied to him .
I ’ m so grateful that that cop ’ s future victims won ’ t suffer the same fate.
” At press time , Tory had just announced that the body cams would be coming pre-obstructed so that officers wouldn ’ t have to worry about being accused of particularly heinous and/or fatal crimes @

TORONTO – In a divisive decision yesterday, Toronto city council voted against decreasing the massive police budget in favour of providing its officers with body cameras in 2021, so that all future acts of racially-charged police violence could be viewed in super-sweet High-def.
Mayor John Tory was quick to defend the council’s decision, arguing that watching “nature documentary-level” footage would be a huge boon to the force’s ego.
“Today I am proud to announce that effective January 1, every racist cop in the city will be able to have their terrible actions documented in the most beautiful 4K Ultra HD quality they could ever dream of,” he enthused, signing a bill that would transfer the project’s required $50 million dollars out of the city’s community housing program and into the revised police budget.
“I’d like to see all those ‘activists’ who go around recording police brutality be able to provide that kind of sick footage. I bet they’re only filming the harassment of Black and Indigenous people in, like, 480p, MAX.”
Toronto’s Chief of Police Mark Saunders, who will be stepping away from his position at the end of July, stated that the council’s decision to ignore life-saving police reforms in favour of empty placations and ill-proven technology made him confident that he would be leaving the force in exactly the same troubled state as it had been throughout his tenure.
“Look, everybody knows that taking money from an institution so deeply entrenched in aggressive intolerance that racialized people fear for their lives on a daily basis, and giving it to mental health and community services, just won’t be as effective as these sexy, sexy pieces of tech,” he explained. “Plus, it’s not like officers are ever charged with crimes caught on camera anyway.”
“We’ll really only be using all the footage to reboot COPS from the police’s POV.”
Toronto protestor Stephen Walker said that he thought the council’s decision was more than fair.
“When my best friend Marcus got beaten up by a cop last year for ‘existing’, I remember him saying that he didn’t want justice; he didn’t want a fair trial; all he wanted was awesome footage of his beating, and that was denied to him. I’m so grateful that that cop’s future victims won’t suffer the same fate.”
At press time, Tory had just announced that the body cams would be coming pre-obstructed so that officers wouldn’t have to worry about being accused of particularly heinous and/or fatal crimes.


thebeaverton--2020-06-29--Businessman Trump masterfully convinces Putin to lower bounty on US soldiers by 2%

WASHINGTON , D.C. – The US president has once again brought his considerable business acumen to bear on matters of international diplomacy by successfully persuading Russian President Vladimir Putin to lower the amount of the bounty a Russian military intelligence unit has placed on coalition forces in Afghanistan by 2 % .
“ Putin is a strong leader , great leader , very strong leader , tremendous leader , ” Trump said in a press conference to announce his strategic victory .
“ But I ’ m better , ” he said , winking into a portable lighting rig that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ So I call him up , I said to him , Vlad – I call him Vlad , because he considers me his best friend , so I call him Vlad , he likes that – I said to him , you can ’ t keep paying those guys , the Talibans , so much money to kill American soldiers .
Our bounties are the biggest in the world , most people don ’ t know that .
And he said something in Russian .
I didn ’ t quite catch the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I believe.
” “ We talked about me being strong for a while , then he had to go , he had to run to the gremlin , I don ’ t know who that is , maybe his wife ?
Some Russian women are very beautiful though .
Isn ’ t my wife beautiful ?
Looks just like my daughter.
” Trump then spent the next twenty minutes ranking his children on looks and intelligence until one of his aides prompted him to describe the rest of his phone call with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s a great guy .
Tremendous .
So just as the call was about to end , I asked him to lower the bounty on our soldiers .
He offered to get rid of it altogether , but I knew that ’ s what he wanted me to ask him for .
Can ’ t let the other side have everything they want , got ta keep them on their toes , that ’ s negotiating 101 .
So I asked for a 10 % lowering of the bounty and we settled on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what hit him , ” Trump said .
“ All he asked for in return was that the US let him have Ukraine , which I believe Russia already owns – did we check on that ?
Yes , we checked on that .
Russia already owns Ukraine , so that ’ s a very good deal I made.
” When asked by a reporter why he insisted on allowing Russia to rejoin the G7 knowing they ’ d been offering to pay Afghan militants to kill Americans , Trump called the reporter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her if she had a husband and if her husband knew how disgusting she was .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The US president has once again brought his considerable business acumen to bear on matters of international diplomacy by successfully persuading Russian President Vladimir Putin to lower the amount of the bounty a Russian military intelligence unit has placed on coalition forces in Afghanistan by 2%.
“Putin is a strong leader, great leader, very strong leader, tremendous leader,” Trump said in a press conference to announce his strategic victory. “But I’m better,” he said, winking into a portable lighting rig that he likely believed was a camera.
“So I call him up, I said to him, Vlad – I call him Vlad, because he considers me his best friend, so I call him Vlad, he likes that – I said to him, you can’t keep paying those guys, the Talibans, so much money to kill American soldiers. Our bounties are the biggest in the world, most people don’t know that. And he said something in Russian. I didn’t quite catch the translation, something about me being strong, I believe.”
“We talked about me being strong for a while, then he had to go, he had to run to the gremlin, I don’t know who that is, maybe his wife? Some Russian women are very beautiful though. Isn’t my wife beautiful? Looks just like my daughter.” Trump then spent the next twenty minutes ranking his children on looks and intelligence until one of his aides prompted him to describe the rest of his phone call with Putin.
“Putin, he’s a great guy. Tremendous. So just as the call was about to end, I asked him to lower the bounty on our soldiers. He offered to get rid of it altogether, but I knew that’s what he wanted me to ask him for. Can’t let the other side have everything they want, gotta keep them on their toes, that’s negotiating 101. So I asked for a 10% lowering of the bounty and we settled on 2%. He never even knew what hit him,” Trump said.
“All he asked for in return was that the US let him have Ukraine, which I believe Russia already owns – did we check on that? Yes, we checked on that. Russia already owns Ukraine, so that’s a very good deal I made.”
When asked by a reporter why he insisted on allowing Russia to rejoin the G7 knowing they’d been offering to pay Afghan militants to kill Americans, Trump called the reporter who asked the question disgusting before asking her if she had a husband and if her husband knew how disgusting she was.


thebeaverton--2020-06-29--Defunded police officer forced to buy own cocaine to plant on people

Camden , NJ – Faced with economic hardship since his city defunded the police force seven years ago , local police officer Pete Garner has been forced to use his own money for vital supplies , like the cocaine they plant on suspects who have done nothing wrong .
“ Obviously it ’ s hard .
I know the department should be providing these but when they don ’ t I just feel like I have to step up , ” said Garner as he pulled the baggie of cocaine from a Black driver ’ s glove box that he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Otherwise the community will suffer.
” “ At least the force still covers the cost of cocaine for personal use , ” he added with a sniffle .
As soon as Camden defunded the force officers began reporting problems obtaining the tools they need to do their jobs .
Nightsticks dented on the heads of peaceful protestors haven ’ t been replaced , and cops attempting to pepper spray someone for “ talking back ” have often found their canisters empty .
Plus they no longer get to drive souped up Ford Mustangs @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have a tear gas budget if it weren ’ t for that raffle , ” said chief of police Hendricks .
But Garner and his comrades aren ’ t willing to let their town down , so they have stepped up and bought what they could with their meagre , $ 100,000.00 a year salaries .
“ it ’ s tough , but when I see the look on a perp ’ s face as I pull out the coke that will soon be his third strike I know it ’ s worth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ added that , as a special treat , he and his fellow officers are hoping to save up to buy guns to plant on people during the Holidays .

Camden, NJ – Faced with economic hardship since his city defunded the police force seven years ago, local police officer Pete Garner has been forced to use his own money for vital supplies, like the cocaine they plant on suspects who have done nothing wrong.
“Obviously it’s hard. I know the department should be providing these but when they don’t I just feel like I have to step up,” said Garner as he pulled the baggie of cocaine from a Black driver’s glove box that he had put there moments earlier. “Otherwise the community will suffer.”
“At least the force still covers the cost of cocaine for personal use,” he added with a sniffle.
As soon as Camden defunded the force officers began reporting problems obtaining the tools they need to do their jobs. Nightsticks dented on the heads of peaceful protestors haven’t been replaced, and cops attempting to pepper spray someone for “talking back” have often found their canisters empty. Plus they no longer get to drive souped up Ford Mustangs.
“We wouldn’t even have a tear gas budget if it weren’t for that raffle,” said chief of police Hendricks.
But Garner and his comrades aren’t willing to let their town down, so they have stepped up and bought what they could with their meagre, $100,000.00 a year salaries.
“it’s tough, but when I see the look on a perp’s face as I pull out the coke that will soon be his third strike I know it’s worth it,” said Garner.
Garner added that, as a special treat, he and his fellow officers are hoping to save up to buy guns to plant on people during the Holidays.


thebeaverton--2020-06-29--Doug Ford announces he couldn’t participate in online Pride since he was already logged onto a virtu

Doug Ford announces he couldn’t participate in online Pride since he was already logged onto a virtual cottage

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford explained to his constituents Monday that he was not able to participate in the online Pride Parade this weekend since he had pre-existing plans to log onto a virtual cottage at the same time .
“ As most people know , the Ford family cottage weekend somehow and inexplicably always falls exactly on the same weekend that the Pride parade occurs , ” Ford stated to assembled reporters .
“ And even with all gatherings occurring remotely this year , I was unfortunately preoccupied in trying to figure out how to sign into the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ niece set up a few weeks ago.
” Though Ford would have had to only copy and paste a widely shared link into his browser in order to passively sit and watch a virtual Pride celebration , he repeated that moving the camera around his empty lakeside retreat was too much of a tradition to interrupt .
He stressed that the people of Toronto would understand the difficult choice he had to make since he had been “ feeling real cooped up lately.
” “ What is more important , I ask you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a prominent subsection of our Province ’ s population during trying times and amid global catastrophe , or playing JackBox games with my uncle in front of a virtual firepit ?
” shouted Ford .
When asked why he did not acknowledge even the existence of the virtual replacement for the annual event that brings swaths of tourists and money to the Ontario economy , Ford mentioned that it would be unfair to do so since police technically still couldn ’ t march this year .
Ford stated that he really , really @ @ @ @ @ @ @ march in next year ’ s parade but that something will probably come up .

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford explained to his constituents Monday that he was not able to participate in the online Pride Parade this weekend since he had pre-existing plans to log onto a virtual cottage at the same time.
“As most people know, the Ford family cottage weekend somehow and inexplicably always falls exactly on the same weekend that the Pride parade occurs,” Ford stated to assembled reporters. “And even with all gatherings occurring remotely this year, I was unfortunately preoccupied in trying to figure out how to sign into the remote camera at the cottage that my niece set up a few weeks ago.”
Though Ford would have had to only copy and paste a widely shared link into his browser in order to passively sit and watch a virtual Pride celebration, he repeated that moving the camera around his empty lakeside retreat was too much of a tradition to interrupt. He stressed that the people of Toronto would understand the difficult choice he had to make since he had been “feeling real cooped up lately.”
“What is more important, I ask you? Acknowledging the resilience and strength of a prominent subsection of our Province’s population during trying times and amid global catastrophe, or playing JackBox games with my uncle in front of a virtual firepit?” shouted Ford.
“The answer is obvious”, he continued.
When asked why he did not acknowledge even the existence of the virtual replacement for the annual event that brings swaths of tourists and money to the Ontario economy, Ford mentioned that it would be unfair to do so since police technically still couldn’t march this year.
Ford stated that he really, really, really hopes to be able to march in next year’s parade but that something will probably come up.


thebeaverton--2020-06-29--Finally a mask for men! This one has a lil dump truck on it

LINDSAY , ON – As many men across the globe have been forced to reckon with the overwhelmingly feminine nature of medical masks , one company , Macho Masks , has capitalized on this concern by releasing a face covering for men that has a lil dump truck on it .
“ While of course the goal is to wear a mask as little as possible , sometimes you have to pop into Home Depot and no matter how loud you yell at the assistant manager , you still have to wear one before entry , ” said Macho Masks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s where we come in.
” “ Of course , the most manly thing you can do is die alone in a hospital after refusing to wear a mask but after that it ’ s definitely wearing something with a lil dump truck on it , ” he added .
According to Hertzfeld , the company conducted a large amount of market research in an attempt to find something men would actually wear .
A prototype of a beef jerky mask was quickly consumed , and attempts at replacing the soft ear @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be a fire hazard .
Finally the company realized nothing says “ mask-ulinity ” quite like a lil yellow dump truck with big wheels and a pile of dirt and a loud horn that goes “ honk honk !
” and began printing the decal onto the fabric with great success .
“ I used to look like a fool when I would go on long walks with my family and be the only one not wearing a mask , ” said happy customer Tony Long .
“ But now , thankfully , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lets everyone know I ’ m a manly man and I like manly things like dump trucks , skateboards , and even dinosaurs.
” In addition to the widespread popularity among its wearers , the mask has also won praise from health officials .
“ We had all hoped the incentive of protecting the community and preventing further cases would be enough incentive to get men to wear a mask , ” said Canada Health Chief Public Health Officer Dr. Theresa Tam .
“ Ultimately , we ’ re just happy people are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dear god just wear one .
We are begging you.
” Citing overwhelming popularity , the company has plans to expand their product line to include masks with other manly decals like a Boondock Saints poster , some BBQ ribs , and one with tons of little swordfish on it for some reason .

LINDSAY, ON – As many men across the globe have been forced to reckon with the overwhelmingly feminine nature of medical masks, one company, Macho Masks, has capitalized on this concern by releasing a face covering for men that has a lil dump truck on it.
“While of course the goal is to wear a mask as little as possible, sometimes you have to pop into Home Depot and no matter how loud you yell at the assistant manager, you still have to wear one before entry,” said Macho Masks CEO Brian Hertzfeld. “And that’s where we come in.”
“Of course, the most manly thing you can do is die alone in a hospital after refusing to wear a mask but after that it’s definitely wearing something with a lil dump truck on it,” he added.
According to Hertzfeld, the company conducted a large amount of market research in an attempt to find something men would actually wear. A prototype of a beef jerky mask was quickly consumed, and attempts at replacing the soft ear bands with exposed electrical wire proved to be a fire hazard.
Finally the company realized nothing says “mask-ulinity” quite like a lil yellow dump truck with big wheels and a pile of dirt and a loud horn that goes “honk honk!” and began printing the decal onto the fabric with great success.
“I used to look like a fool when I would go on long walks with my family and be the only one not wearing a mask,” said happy customer Tony Long. “But now, thankfully, I’ve found a mask that lets everyone know I’m a manly man and I like manly things like dump trucks, skateboards, and even dinosaurs.”
In addition to the widespread popularity among its wearers, the mask has also won praise from health officials.
“We had all hoped the incentive of protecting the community and preventing further cases would be enough incentive to get men to wear a mask,” said Canada Health Chief Public Health Officer Dr. Theresa Tam. “Ultimately, we’re just happy people are wearing them at all. Please, dear god just wear one. We are begging you.”
Citing overwhelming popularity, the company has plans to expand their product line to include masks with other manly decals like a Boondock Saints poster, some BBQ ribs, and one with tons of little swordfish on it for some reason.


thebeaverton--2020-07-01--Animal Cruelty Whistleblower dead after whistle attracts many bears

WHISTLER – 36-year-old animal rights whistleblower Leonard Bont was found dead after his handy “ shut the fuck up and listen ” whistle attracted many bears .
Medics arrived on the scene too late to find the righteous little twat had been fully devoured and was surrounded by a fat little family of fully satiated napping bears .
“ Twas a grisly scene indeed , ” said first responder Mindy Nichols .
“ They slurped his spinal cord like a wet little noodle.
” When reached for comment , friends and family were devastated but hardly surprised .
“ We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to him this week .
Last week it was CERB whistleblowing , but he couldn ’ t afford two whistles.
” Bont ’ s girlfriend stated she had become concerned for his safety when he ordered a surplus of ‘ pic-a-nic ’ baskets from Amazon .
“ He just kept screaming , ‘ we need more marmalade , we need more marmalade !
’ ” Critics in the bear community are divided , after mama bear began to parade Bont ’ s skinsuit at local river openings and forests , causing protesting brown @ @ @ @ @ @ @ paint .
“ We fully understand the irony of our cause , ” said Area Sun Bear .
“ But we are a peaceful species , a kind species , have you seen ‘ Salmon Fishing in Yemen ?
’ Very good salmons.
” Bont ’ s funeral will be held this coming Thursday at the Roman Catholic Diocese of Kamloops .
Though attendance is projected to be very low as a competing funeral for the whistle will be held at the same time .

WHISTLER – 36-year-old animal rights whistleblower Leonard Bont was found dead after his handy “shut the fuck up and listen” whistle attracted many bears. Medics arrived on the scene too late to find the righteous little twat had been fully devoured and was surrounded by a fat little family of fully satiated napping bears.
“Twas a grisly scene indeed,” said first responder Mindy Nichols. “They slurped his spinal cord like a wet little noodle.” When reached for comment, friends and family were devastated but hardly surprised. “We knew that animal rights were very important to him this week. Last week it was CERB whistleblowing, but he couldn’t afford two whistles.” Bont’s girlfriend stated she had become concerned for his safety when he ordered a surplus of ‘pic-a-nic’ baskets from Amazon. “He just kept screaming, ‘we need more marmalade, we need more marmalade!’”
Critics in the bear community are divided, after mama bear began to parade Bont’s skinsuit at local river openings and forests, causing protesting brown bears to douse the suit with red paint. “We fully understand the irony of our cause,” said Area Sun Bear. “But we are a peaceful species, a kind species, have you seen ‘Salmon Fishing in Yemen?’ Very good salmons.”
Bont’s funeral will be held this coming Thursday at the Roman Catholic Diocese of Kamloops. Though attendance is projected to be very low as a competing funeral for the whistle will be held at the same time.


thebeaverton--2020-07-02--NHL chooses Toronto as hub city due its fans having most experience watching other teams win

TORONTO – The NHL said today that choosing Toronto as one of its two playoff hub cities was a “ no brainer ” due to Leafs ’ fans long experience watching other visiting teams celebrate playoff victories on their ice .
“ Even though there won ’ t be fans in the stands , we feel the cities we play in will still create an important atmosphere for our players , ” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman .
“ And given Toronto ’ s long history of being a place where teams other than the Leafs win playoff games , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ The Boston Bruins in particular should feel right at home given they legally own the Leafs , ” he added .
Players from around the league said they were particularly comfortable playing in Toronto , since an entire game with no crowd will just feel exactly like the first 5 minutes of each period in a normal Leafs game , when most of the lower bowl is off drinking and eating sushi in the Air Canada Club .
Leafs fans said they welcomed the news .
“ It ’ ll be really @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Leafs lose in round 1 like normal .
Then I imagine having another month of NHL playoffs in Toronto will be even more demoralizing than normal , ” said Gary Desmond of Milton .
The hockey fan added , “ But at least we can take comfort in knowing we are putting thousands of lives at risk for really no reason !
” With the NHL also choosing Edmonton as a hub city , Alberta Premier Jason Kenney is said to be thrilled , and also really hoping no one at the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was actually Lake Louise seriously .

TORONTO – The NHL said today that choosing Toronto as one of its two playoff hub cities was a “no brainer” due to Leafs’ fans long experience watching other visiting teams celebrate playoff victories on their ice.
“Even though there won’t be fans in the stands, we feel the cities we play in will still create an important atmosphere for our players,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “And given Toronto’s long history of being a place where teams other than the Leafs win playoff games, this felt like the right call.”
“The Boston Bruins in particular should feel right at home given they legally own the Leafs,” he added.
Players from around the league said they were particularly comfortable playing in Toronto, since an entire game with no crowd will just feel exactly like the first 5 minutes of each period in a normal Leafs game, when most of the lower bowl is off drinking and eating sushi in the Air Canada Club.
Leafs fans said they welcomed the news.
“It’ll be really exciting for the first few days until the Leafs lose in round 1 like normal. Then I imagine having another month of NHL playoffs in Toronto will be even more demoralizing than normal,” said Gary Desmond of Milton.
The hockey fan added, “But at least we can take comfort in knowing we are putting thousands of lives at risk for really no reason!”
With the NHL also choosing Edmonton as a hub city, Alberta Premier Jason Kenney is said to be thrilled, and also really hoping no one at the NHL took that video that suggested Edmonton was actually Lake Louise seriously.


thebeaverton--2020-07-03--Trudeau saddened that WE Charity controversy means government will have to do its own job

OTTAWA – A somber Justin Trudeau announced today that due to the controversy surrounding his family ’ s links with the charity he ’ d tapped to administer almost a billion dollars in funding for student volunteers , the government was going to be forced to administer that program itself .
“ I can not express my sadness at the prospect of the government having to distribute these funds without the added layer of private bureaucracy I ’ d hoped for , ” Trudeau said , looking chagrined .
“ We were so close to just handing this charity a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ‘ seeya !
’ and now we ’ ve got to put together a system that will likely be far more efficient , but sooooo much more work for us.
” “ We won ’ t even get to do one of those giant cheque ceremonies .
This is such a bummer.
” While the Liberals ’ efforts to offload government responsibilities onto the private sector have not been as robust as those of Conservative governments , the Liberals at one point considered selling Canada ’ s airports and did succeed in making @ @ @ @ @ @ @ entity designed to allow private investors to generate profits from badly needed public infrastructure projects .
“ What really hurt was that this program wasn ’ t just opposed by the NDP , who are obviously not fans of handing over government responsibilities to a private concern , but by the Conservatives as well , ” Trudeau said .
“ I suppose it ’ s my own fault , I wrongly assumed their affection for privatization and cronyism was the one thing that could override their specific dislike of me and everything I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the WE controversy blows over , he can move forward with his plan to quietly hand over the CERB payment system to one of those businesses that help children fund school trips by selling terrible candy to their parents .

OTTAWA – A somber Justin Trudeau announced today that due to the controversy surrounding his family’s links with the charity he’d tapped to administer almost a billion dollars in funding for student volunteers, the government was going to be forced to administer that program itself.
“I cannot express my sadness at the prospect of the government having to distribute these funds without the added layer of private bureaucracy I’d hoped for,” Trudeau said, looking chagrined. “We were so close to just handing this charity a huge amount of taxpayer money and saying ‘seeya!’ and now we’ve got to put together a system that will likely be far more efficient, but sooooo much more work for us.”
“We won’t even get to do one of those giant cheque ceremonies. This is such a bummer.”
While the Liberals’ efforts to offload government responsibilities onto the private sector have not been as robust as those of Conservative governments, the Liberals at one point considered selling Canada’s airports and did succeed in making the Canada Infrastructure Bank a hybrid public-private entity designed to allow private investors to generate profits from badly needed public infrastructure projects.
“What really hurt was that this program wasn’t just opposed by the NDP, who are obviously not fans of handing over government responsibilities to a private concern, but by the Conservatives as well,” Trudeau said. “I suppose it’s my own fault, I wrongly assumed their affection for privatization and cronyism was the one thing that could override their specific dislike of me and everything I do.”
Trudeau is hopeful that once the WE controversy blows over, he can move forward with his plan to quietly hand over the CERB payment system to one of those businesses that help children fund school trips by selling terrible candy to their parents.


thebeaverton--2020-07-03--FBI promises to expedite process of Epstein associate mysteriously hanging herself in prison

NEW YORK – After arresting Ghislaine Maxwell , accomplice of convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein , the Justice Department has promised to put the FBI ’ s full resources behind expediting her inevitable and suspicious suicide while in custody .
“ Ms .
Maxwell ’ s numerous criminal charges are shocking , as are the many , many powerful men whom she could potentially implicate in exchange for sentencing leniency , ” explained Attorney General Bill Barr , moments after wrestling the press conference microphone away from the SDNY FBI spokesperson .
“ We here at Justice learned many valuable @ @ @ @ @ @ @ jail cell suicide of Maxwell ’ s accomplice , Jeffrey Epstein , ” Barr explained .
“ Lessons like : creating plausible deniability ; turning off security cameras ; and how to make two bullets to the back of the head look like a ‘ hanging ’ .
” Barr went on to detail promising new advances that weren ’ t available to use on the imprisoned Epstein , namely fingerprint erasing technology and neurotoxins that are undetectable in prison food .
“ Heck , there ’ s even a deadly pandemic sweeping @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the prison system , so that ’ s just lucky , ” added an optimistic Barr .
“ We ’ re confident that we can beat our previous Epstein record of ‘ 34 days between arrest and untimely death that forces us to close the case for good ’ .
” Asked whether authorities were concerned about a repeat of 2019 ’ s first unsuccessful Epstein hanging , Barr reaffirmed his department ’ s commitment .
“ We vow to process Ms. Maxwell through the prison system efficiently , well before she has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Barr then excused himself to make a phone call directly to the golf course where the president was currently playing 18 holes .
At press time , Prince Andrew , Duke of York was offering assistance to the FBI after frantically watching multiple YouTube tutorials on noose-tying .

NEW YORK – After arresting Ghislaine Maxwell, accomplice of convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, the Justice Department has promised to put the FBI’s full resources behind expediting her inevitable and suspicious suicide while in custody.
“Ms. Maxwell’s numerous criminal charges are shocking, as are the many, many powerful men whom she could potentially implicate in exchange for sentencing leniency,” explained Attorney General Bill Barr, moments after wrestling the press conference microphone away from the SDNY FBI spokesperson.
“We here at Justice learned many valuable lessons from last year’s untimely jail cell suicide of Maxwell’s accomplice, Jeffrey Epstein,” Barr explained. “Lessons like: creating plausible deniability; turning off security cameras; and how to make two bullets to the back of the head look like a ‘hanging’.”
Barr went on to detail promising new advances that weren’t available to use on the imprisoned Epstein, namely fingerprint erasing technology and neurotoxins that are undetectable in prison food. “Heck, there’s even a deadly pandemic sweeping the country that is particularly prevalent in the prison system, so that’s just lucky,” added an optimistic Barr.
“We’re confident that we can beat our previous Epstein record of ‘34 days between arrest and untimely death that forces us to close the case for good’.”
Asked whether authorities were concerned about a repeat of 2019’s first unsuccessful Epstein hanging, Barr reaffirmed his department’s commitment. “We vow to process Ms. Maxwell through the prison system efficiently, well before she has time to testify to any grand juries.”
Barr then excused himself to make a phone call directly to the golf course where the president was currently playing 18 holes.
At press time, Prince Andrew, Duke of York was offering assistance to the FBI after frantically watching multiple YouTube tutorials on noose-tying.


thebeaverton--2020-07-03--Toddler finally has time to catch up with latest season of Doc McStuffins

WINDSOR , ON – As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to keep most Canadians indoors , many are using their down time to catch up on things they wouldn ’ t have time for otherwise .
Among them is 2-year-old Elliot Higgins who addressed reporters today to announce he finally has enough time to catch up with the latest season of Doc McStuffins .
“ Ordinarily , I lead a pretty busy life .
By the time I finish chasing bubbles in the park and throwing a tantrum at the library , it ’ s usually naptime ” said Higgins between @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but now that I have so much free time on my hands to sit back and relax , I can finally start watching a prestige drama about a precocious young doctor who must balance her personal life with her career as a general practitioner for stuffed animals.
” According to Higgens , Doc McStuffins isn ’ t the type of pablum one can put on as background noise , like Peppa Pig – instead , it commands the viewer ’ s full attention .
As this latest season sees a greater development in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Hallie the Hippo , many of Higgin ’ s cohorts have deemed this season to be a “ masterpiece ” and “ a catalyst for the new golden age of television.
” “ It was a challenge to avoid spoilers , ” admits Higgens , “ but that ’ s to be expected for such a widely-watched program .
With my friends at the splash pad , I found that so long as I steered the conversation away from television and towards other topics like dinosaurs , I was in the clear.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Higgins has had an extraordinarily busy year with a number of personal projects popping up that prevented him from watching it right away .
First it was potty training , then it was developing fine motor skills , and then he of course HAD to re-watch Frozen 26 times .
But now that he finally has some downtime on his hands , he ’ s ready to hunker down and binge the newest episodes .
At press time , Higgins had crawled onto the couch and began watching Doc and her gang @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Witness report he was overheard muttering something about it not living up to the hype .

WINDSOR, ON – As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to keep most Canadians indoors, many are using their down time to catch up on things they wouldn’t have time for otherwise. Among them is 2-year-old Elliot Higgins who addressed reporters today to announce he finally has enough time to catch up with the latest season of Doc McStuffins.
“Ordinarily, I lead a pretty busy life. By the time I finish chasing bubbles in the park and throwing a tantrum at the library, it’s usually naptime” said Higgins between hops in his Jolly Jumper, “but now that I have so much free time on my hands to sit back and relax, I can finally start watching a prestige drama about a precocious young doctor who must balance her personal life with her career as a general practitioner for stuffed animals.”
According to Higgens, Doc McStuffins isn’t the type of pablum one can put on as background noise, like Peppa Pig – instead, it commands the viewer’s full attention. As this latest season sees a greater development in the working partnership between the Doc and Hallie the Hippo, many of Higgin’s cohorts have deemed this season to be a “masterpiece” and “a catalyst for the new golden age of television.”
“It was a challenge to avoid spoilers,” admits Higgens, “but that’s to be expected for such a widely-watched program. With my friends at the splash pad, I found that so long as I steered the conversation away from television and towards other topics like dinosaurs, I was in the clear.”
Although an avowed fan of Doc McStuffins, Higgins has had an extraordinarily busy year with a number of personal projects popping up that prevented him from watching it right away. First it was potty training, then it was developing fine motor skills, and then he of course HAD to re-watch Frozen 26 times. But now that he finally has some downtime on his hands, he’s ready to hunker down and binge the newest episodes.
At press time, Higgins had crawled onto the couch and began watching Doc and her gang of stuffies with cold, despondent eyes. Witness report he was overheard muttering something about it not living up to the hype.


thebeaverton--2020-07-03--Summer camp cancellations deprive millions of tweens access to first-base

MUSKOKA , ON – After the news that overnight camps would be suspended this year due to the COVID-19 pandemic , millions of tweens were left heartbroken upon the realization that this would not be the summer that would land them their first kiss .
“ Ever since I was 6 years old and I spent my first summer away from home , I have been biding my time , ” wrote a weeping 12 year old Meghan Grainger .
“ How many times can I be expected to braid friendship bracelets or canoe around the lake without receiving some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ grader !
I mean that ’ s what my parents ’ are paying for !
” Many tweens are dismayed by the prospect that they will have to wait until 2021 until they can use tongue .
Plenty will have to subsist on regalling their peers with stories of almost kissing a classmate at a birthday party .
“ Oh man , I ’ ve been bragging to all my friends that I was gon na go and see my camp-girlfriend this summer , ” cried a devastated Sara Baqri .
“ She @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sudbury !
I cherish the summer because that ’ s the only time I see her .
I ’ m only 13 years old , I can ’ t handle another year of long-distance !
” While most overnight camps have been cancelled , many summer day camps have been cleared to resume under strict guidance of provincial health advisors .
The modified programs will limit the number of campers and encourage the maintenance of physical distancing .
“ How will I ever get to smooch down , if I have to stay @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
” whined local tween Tyler Wong .
“ All that work I did last summer of getting her to notice me was for nothing .
Might as well leave me home alone with my jerk-off older brother all day , geez !
” While many tweens will have to endure a boring summer of pre-planned activities without the prospect of first-base , most university-aged camp counsellors will lament losing an entire summer ’ s worth of drugs and hooking up with one another .

MUSKOKA, ON – After the news that overnight camps would be suspended this year due to the COVID-19 pandemic, millions of tweens were left heartbroken upon the realization that this would not be the summer that would land them their first kiss.
“Ever since I was 6 years old and I spent my first summer away from home, I have been biding my time,” wrote a weeping 12 year old Meghan Grainger. “How many times can I be expected to braid friendship bracelets or canoe around the lake without receiving some goddamn slobbery mouth-to-mouth action from another seventh grader! I mean that’s what my parents’ are paying for!”
Many tweens are dismayed by the prospect that they will have to wait until 2021 until they can use tongue. Plenty will have to subsist on regalling their peers with stories of almost kissing a classmate at a birthday party.
“Oh man, I’ve been bragging to all my friends that I was gonna go and see my camp-girlfriend this summer,” cried a devastated Sara Baqri. “She lives 4 hours away from me… in Sudbury! I cherish the summer because that’s the only time I see her. I’m only 13 years old, I can’t handle another year of long-distance!”
While most overnight camps have been cancelled, many summer day camps have been cleared to resume under strict guidance of provincial health advisors. The modified programs will limit the number of campers and encourage the maintenance of physical distancing.
“How will I ever get to smooch down, if I have to stay 6 feet apart from my crush?!” whined local tween Tyler Wong. “All that work I did last summer of getting her to notice me was for nothing. Might as well leave me home alone with my jerk-off older brother all day, geez!”
While many tweens will have to endure a boring summer of pre-planned activities without the prospect of first-base, most university-aged camp counsellors will lament losing an entire summer’s worth of drugs and hooking up with one another.