thebeaverton--2020-11-23--Man who never stopped following lockdown protocols welcomes friends back with piercing, joyless laug

Man who never stopped following lockdown protocols welcomes friends back with piercing, joyless laugh

TORONTO – Local man Jacob Bach , who continued to quarantine at home even as the city opened up during the spring and summer , is virtually welcoming friends back to the lockdown lifestyle with a joyless laugh and cold , dead eyes .
“ Oh you can ’ t drink on patios or hang out with your bubble anymore ?
Ha Ha !
” said Bach over zoom , his uncut hair nearly covering up how hollowed his eyes are .
“ I ’ ve barely left my apartment since March !
I can ’ t even remember what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Pizza delivery men smell like.
” “ You merely adopted the lockdown .
I was born in it , ” he cried before his friends nervously asked if he wanted to play another game of Quiplash .
Bach correctly realized that Ontario was opening up too fast and so elected to continue following the strict protocols we all followed March-May , before the temptation of companionship , seeing Tenet in theatre and the end of governmental assistance for people who can ’ t work at home drove us out of the house .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ may be , have taken their toll .
His skin is sallow , his clothes unwashed , and his face is that of a haunted man who has been reduced to binge watching episodes of The Big Bang Theory .
“ While you were laughing in parks I was mastering the art of bread making .
While you were dining indoors I was discovering how hot dogs taste without a bun .
And while you were fornicating I was discovering types of pornography so wretched and depraved I can not even describe them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ end up ?
Right back here with me , ” yelled Bach at his friends , unaware they had all logged off the zoom call .
Bach then closed his computer so he could talk shit about how reckless his friends are being with his best bud , a pile of unmatched socks he was supposed to put away in June .

TORONTO – Local man Jacob Bach, who continued to quarantine at home even as the city opened up during the spring and summer, is virtually welcoming friends back to the lockdown lifestyle with a joyless laugh and cold, dead eyes.
“Oh you can’t drink on patios or hang out with your bubble anymore? Ha Ha!” said Bach over zoom, his uncut hair nearly covering up how hollowed his eyes are. “I’ve barely left my apartment since March! I can’t even remember what human beings who aren’t Pizza Pizza delivery men smell like.”
“You merely adopted the lockdown. I was born in it,” he cried before his friends nervously asked if he wanted to play another game of Quiplash.
Bach correctly realized that Ontario was opening up too fast and so elected to continue following the strict protocols we all followed March-May, before the temptation of companionship, seeing Tenet in theatre and the end of governmental assistance for people who can’t work at home drove us out of the house.
However his actions, responsible though they may be, have taken their toll. His skin is sallow, his clothes unwashed, and his face is that of a haunted man who has been reduced to binge watching episodes of The Big Bang Theory.
“While you were laughing in parks I was mastering the art of bread making. While you were dining indoors I was discovering how hot dogs taste without a bun. And while you were fornicating I was discovering types of pornography so wretched and depraved I can not even describe them to you! And where did you end up? Right back here with me,” yelled Bach at his friends, unaware they had all logged off the zoom call.
Bach then closed his computer so he could talk shit about how reckless his friends are being with his best bud, a pile of unmatched socks he was supposed to put away in June.


thebeaverton--2020-11-23--City of Toronto now claims giving change to homeless people is tax evasion

TORONTO – After the city of Toronto issued a warning letter to a local carpenter for building cheap , efficient housing for unhoused residents , the city has doubled down and also made giving change to homeless people a form of tax evasion .
“ We considered fines , but then determined that personal taxes are a much stronger motivator for Torontonians , ” said mayor John Tory from his luxury downtown condo .
“ Stronger than even the desire to help another at-risk human being.
” “ We are acting in the best interest of our homeless population , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them money is not going to help them .
That money is better spent on paying our police to pester them .
The wood used to build the shelters is also important for building better battering rams for police to break into homes for wellness checks and scaring the shit out of people.
” Beginning Monday any change given to a homeless person will be automatically be added to a resident ’ s property tax bill , plus a 15 % service fee .
The city is working hard to figure out how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people meals or blankets , but hasn ’ t quite gotten there yet .
But they are currently working on other important initiatives to further support the homeless population including fining people for looking at them , creating a bounty police can collect for every tent they destroy , and adding motorized spikes that spin when anyone tries to sleep on public property .
Khaleel Seivwright , the Scarborough resident who has been building shelters , was originally in talks to team up with the city to build the housing units .
However @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , efficiently , and helpful Seivwright ’ s solution was , they knew the Government couldn ’ t possibly support it .
“ It ’ s just not our way , ” said Tammy Robbinson a spokesperson for the city .
“ We tried to negotiate with Mr. Seivwright where he could keep building the shelters as long as he spent 70 % of his time building high rise condominiums for foreign investors , but for some reason he refused .
”

TORONTO – After the city of Toronto issued a warning letter to a local carpenter for building cheap, efficient housing for unhoused residents, the city has doubled down and also made giving change to homeless people a form of tax evasion.
“We considered fines, but then determined that personal taxes are a much stronger motivator for Torontonians,” said mayor John Tory from his luxury downtown condo. “Stronger than even the desire to help another at-risk human being.”
“We are acting in the best interest of our homeless population,” continued mayor Tory, “Giving them money is not going to help them. That money is better spent on paying our police to pester them. The wood used to build the shelters is also important for building better battering rams for police to break into homes for wellness checks and scaring the shit out of people.”
Beginning Monday any change given to a homeless person will be automatically be added to a resident’s property tax bill, plus a 15% service fee. The city is working hard to figure out how to financially punish those who bring homeless people meals or blankets, but hasn’t quite gotten there yet.
But they are currently working on other important initiatives to further support the homeless population including fining people for looking at them, creating a bounty police can collect for every tent they destroy, and adding motorized spikes that spin when anyone tries to sleep on public property.
Khaleel Seivwright, the Scarborough resident who has been building shelters, was originally in talks to team up with the city to build the housing units. However, after the city recognized how quickly, efficiently, and helpful Seivwright’s solution was, they knew the Government couldn’t possibly support it.
“It’s just not our way,” said Tammy Robbinson a spokesperson for the city. “We tried to negotiate with Mr. Seivwright where he could keep building the shelters as long as he spent 70% of his time building high rise condominiums for foreign investors, but for some reason he refused.”


thebeaverton--2020-11-24--Amber Alert issued for 52-year-old premier

EDMONTON – Edmonton Police Service have issued an amber alert for Alberta Premier Jason Kenney who is nowhere to be @ @ @ @ @ danger .
The 52-year-old , who has the accountability of a five-year-old , is believed @ @ @ @ @ is ducking for political cover during a bad news cycle as Alberta has reported more @ @ @ @ @ three times its size .
“ He was last seen running away in a blue @ @ @ @ @ ‘ Personal Responsibility ’ and ‘ Jesus is my Pandemic Response , ’ ” said @ @ @ @ @ of the Edmonton Police Service .
Police have been scouring Kenney ’ s favourite pipelines @ @ @ @ @ him with samples of hydrocarbons , but have not yet located the elected official .
@ @ @ @ @ will be located the moment he gets the chance to blame the federal government for @ @

EDMONTON – Edmonton Police Service have issued an amber alert for Alberta Premier Jason Kenney who is nowhere to be found and may be in danger.
The 52-year-old, who has the accountability of a five-year-old, is believed to have been kidnapped or is ducking for political cover during a bad news cycle as Alberta has reported more COVID-19 cases than a province three times its size.
“He was last seen running away in a blue truck with the bumper stickers ‘Personal Responsibility’ and ‘Jesus is my Pandemic Response,’” said Sgt. R.B. Whitmore of the Edmonton Police Service.
Police have been scouring Kenney’s favourite pipelines with tracker dogs and baiting him with samples of hydrocarbons, but have not yet located the elected official.
Authorities remain confident that he will be located the moment he gets the chance to blame the federal government for something.


thebeaverton--2020-11-25--Typo leads NASA to plan mission to Mark

Typo leads NASA to plan mission to Mark

HOUSTON – Following a copyediting oversight in NASA ’ s annual budget request , the U.S. government has approved financing for the space agency to conduct its first manned mission to Mark .
The news came as a surprise to Congress , the legislative body that signed off on the budget .
“ Hey , it happens , ” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi told reporters .
“ Those budgets are too long to read completely .
Last year we accidentally gave Homeland Security $ 21 billion to construct a 500-mile border mall.
” Despite the NASA error , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ revise the allotment .
“ We signed the budget and it ’ s Friday already so the mission is a go , ” she continued .
“ That ’ s just how it works .
I don ’ t make the laws.
” “ I ’ d be honored to take part in this historical moment , ” tweeted Mark Geyer from San Francisco , one of 1.2 million Marks nationwide eligible to be the NASA destination .
But the search for the perfect Mark will be handled according to established mission-approval factors @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , cost , and how many AirMiles credits the agency has left on their card .
The Mission to Mark will be planned from the Johnson Space Center in Houston , Texas , site of programs ranging from Apollo to the International Space Station .
While these feats usually cost billions of dollars and employ thousands of technicians , NASA has indicated the Mission to Mark will likely be handled by Peggy in Human Resources .
Typical NASA missions take years and sometimes decades to plan and execute .
Although an official timeline @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been released , preparations are expected to begin as early as next week , with the mission being completed also as early as next week .

HOUSTON – Following a copyediting oversight in NASA’s annual budget request, the U.S. government has approved financing for the space agency to conduct its first manned mission to Mark. The news came as a surprise to Congress, the legislative body that signed off on the budget.
“Hey, it happens,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi told reporters. “Those budgets are too long to read completely. Last year we accidentally gave Homeland Security $21 billion to construct a 500-mile border mall.”
Despite the NASA error, Pelosi said Congress has no plans to revise the allotment. “We signed the budget and it’s Friday already so the mission is a go,” she continued. “That’s just how it works. I don’t make the laws.”
“I’d be honored to take part in this historical moment,” tweeted Mark Geyer from San Francisco, one of 1.2 million Marks nationwide eligible to be the NASA destination. But the search for the perfect Mark will be handled according to established mission-approval factors, such as distance, technical feasibility, cost, and how many AirMiles credits the agency has left on their card.
The Mission to Mark will be planned from the Johnson Space Center in Houston, Texas, site of programs ranging from Apollo to the International Space Station. While these feats usually cost billions of dollars and employ thousands of technicians, NASA has indicated the Mission to Mark will likely be handled by Peggy in Human Resources.
Typical NASA missions take years and sometimes decades to plan and execute. Although an official timeline for the Mark Mission has not yet been released, preparations are expected to begin as early as next week, with the mission being completed also as early as next week.


thebeaverton--2020-11-25--Alberta Premier now aware of a relatively unknown disease called “coronavirus”

EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney has now become aware of a condition known as “ coronavirus.
” “ I @ @ @ @ @ everyone ’ s attention of a new disease that I have become aware of , @ @ @ @ @ WHO report from December 31 , 2019 .
“ I don ’ t want to @ @ @ @ @ can be deadly .
Experts believe that this virus originated in China , but it @ @ @ @ @ Minister Tyler Shandro said that he will implement swift measures if necessary .

EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney has now become aware of a condition known as “coronavirus.”
“I would like to bring to everyone’s attention of a new disease that I have become aware of,” said Kenney reading a WHO report from December 31, 2019. “I don’t want to alarm anyone, but it can be deadly. Experts believe that this virus originated in China, but it may spread.”
Alberta Health Minister Tyler Shandro said that he will implement swift measures if necessary.


thebeaverton--2020-11-24--Milky Way galaxy shut down after discovery of human fighting ring

ANDROMEDA – The Intergalactic Law Enforcement Bureau ( ILEB ) has announced an immediate seizure and shutdown of the nearby Milky Way galaxy upon discovering the presence of a long-running human fighting ring .
Located in the galaxy ’ s dirty basement – a planet called Earth ; the operation is said to have been running for several million of the planet ’ s years .
The humans were made to fight by being supplied tools needed to make weapons and then implanting the idea into their brains that they all belonged to arbitrary local tribes referred to as “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ around the planet to stunt the human growth cycle and produce a more primitive offspring .
One scan of Earth found the presence of alcohol , narcotics , Flamin ’ Hot Cheetos , and electronica music .
“ We ’ ve never seen a human fighting ring as unethical and lawless as this one , ” explained ILEB Officer Ði ’ Axe Ikno76× .
“ They ’ ve been raised in captivity their whole lives and bred for low intelligence and high aggression .
Some of them have even been brainwashed to attack @ @ @ @ @ @ @ human race having a very small spectrum of possible skin colours of just varying shades of brown .
Rumour is humans can ’ t even perceive every dimension in the colour sphere.
” The condemnation of the galaxy will see some of its planets being auctioned off with the jewellery adorned Saturn and the twin constellation Gemini both expected to fetch quite a few bidders .
Fighting ring leader X Æ A-11 who was working under the pseudonym Elon Musk while poorly disguising himself as a human has been arrested and brought into @ @

ANDROMEDA – The Intergalactic Law Enforcement Bureau (ILEB) has announced an immediate seizure and shutdown of the nearby Milky Way galaxy upon discovering the presence of a long-running human fighting ring. Located in the galaxy’s dirty basement – a planet called Earth; the operation is said to have been running for several million of the planet’s years.
The humans were made to fight by being supplied tools needed to make weapons and then implanting the idea into their brains that they all belonged to arbitrary local tribes referred to as “nations.” Several poisons were also left around the planet to stunt the human growth cycle and produce a more primitive offspring. One scan of Earth found the presence of alcohol, narcotics, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, and electronica music.
“We’ve never seen a human fighting ring as unethical and lawless as this one,” explained ILEB Officer Ði’Axe Ikno76×. “They’ve been raised in captivity their whole lives and bred for low intelligence and high aggression. Some of them have even been brainwashed to attack others of different skin tones despite the human race having a very small spectrum of possible skin colours of just varying shades of brown. Rumour is humans can’t even perceive every dimension in the colour sphere.”
The condemnation of the galaxy will see some of its planets being auctioned off with the jewellery adorned Saturn and the twin constellation Gemini both expected to fetch quite a few bidders. Fighting ring leader X Æ A-11 who was working under the pseudonym Elon Musk while poorly disguising himself as a human has been arrested and brought into custody.


thebeaverton--2020-11-24--In preparation for Florida move Raptors replace logo with image of shirtless man shooting fireworks

In preparation for Florida move Raptors replace logo with image of shirtless man shooting fireworks at an Alligator

TAMPA – As part of their preparation to temporarily become a Florida based NBA team the Toronto Raptors have replaced their ‘ claw ’ logo with a cartoon of a shirtless man shooting fireworks at an alligator .
“ We thought it was important to adapt to our new surroundings , ” said Team President Masai Ujiri as he shotgunned a tallboy of Natty Ice .
“ And nothing says Florida like shirtless men with leather skin , alligators and improper handling of fireworks.
” “ Other than combining all three of course.
” The design was done quickly by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with consultation from Drake , the die hard Torontonian who lives in Florida most of the year .
Originally the logo attempted to include more classic ‘ Florida Man ’ features like a baby fighting a python , cousins making out or a white retiree voting for Donald Trump , but ultimately the organization decided to go with the simpler version .
“ It ’ s going to be an adjustment playing in Florida .
But we know our fans from Toronto are with us , ” said point guard Kyle Lowry .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ COVID restrictions and came down here for the winter.
” Raptors coach Nick Nurse took time to defend the logo .
“ is it a great logo ?
No .
Am I uncomfortable with the fact that the image they used looks a lot like me with my shirt off ?
Yes .
But at least it ’ s better than the old Purple Dinosaur .
”

TAMPA – As part of their preparation to temporarily become a Florida based NBA team the Toronto Raptors have replaced their ‘claw’ logo with a cartoon of a shirtless man shooting fireworks at an alligator.
“We thought it was important to adapt to our new surroundings,” said Team President Masai Ujiri as he shotgunned a tallboy of Natty Ice. “And nothing says Florida like shirtless men with leather skin, alligators and improper handling of fireworks.”
“Other than combining all three of course.”
The design was done quickly by the Raptors in house graphics department, with consultation from Drake, the die hard Torontonian who lives in Florida most of the year.
Originally the logo attempted to include more classic ‘Florida Man’ features like a baby fighting a python, cousins making out or a white retiree voting for Donald Trump, but ultimately the organization decided to go with the simpler version.
“It’s going to be an adjustment playing in Florida. But we know our fans from Toronto are with us,” said point guard Kyle Lowry. “Specifically the Snowbirds who violated the COVID restrictions and came down here for the winter.”
Raptors coach Nick Nurse took time to defend the logo.
“is it a great logo? No. Am I uncomfortable with the fact that the image they used looks a lot like me with my shirt off? Yes. But at least it’s better than the old Purple Dinosaur.”


thebeaverton--2020-11-24--Black Friday shoppers prepare for outdoor bloodbath this year

CANADA – With the COVID-19 pandemic forcing retail locations across the country to limit the number of customers inside , many shoppers hoping to take advantage of Black Friday deals are getting ready to commit their usual acts of violence outside .
“ I honestly think we should ’ ve been killing each other before we got inside ages ago , ” said Karen Thomas of Moose Jaw , in between sewing brass knuckles into her winter gloves .
“ I ’ ve always said ‘ the weak have no place in a Black Friday sale ’ , and now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the doors .
That first piece of tape on the sidewalk is mine !
” “ It ’ s going to be tough taking out the competition this year , ” predicted Mark Sakaya of Ottawa , as he hammered a large nail through his ice scraper .
“ There ’ s not going to be any doors or shopping carts to hurt people with , and everyone ’ s going to be wearing thick winter coats to protect their vitals .
I think I might have seen someone setting up booby traps @ @ @ @ @ @ @ both tactically smart and festive in a Home Alone kinda way ” “ I ’ m just glad I don ’ t really have any shopping to do this year .
My family called off their Christmas celebration , so I ’ m just planning to see how many people I can burn with my space heater before my usual bloodlust is sated.
” “ This is actually the safest I ’ ve ever felt working on Black Friday , ” explained Walmart employee Kurt Stanely , in the middle of working with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s parking lot into a crude , open-air Thunderdome .
“ At least this year the rain will clean up all the blood , instead of me.
” In addition to the physical outdoor carnage , online shopping is expected to see an increase in violence as well , with reports of malware attacks and abuse of customer service programs on online stores more than doubling in the past few days .

CANADA – With the COVID-19 pandemic forcing retail locations across the country to limit the number of customers inside, many shoppers hoping to take advantage of Black Friday deals are getting ready to commit their usual acts of violence outside.
“I honestly think we should’ve been killing each other before we got inside ages ago,” said Karen Thomas of Moose Jaw, in between sewing brass knuckles into her winter gloves. “I’ve always said ‘the weak have no place in a Black Friday sale’, and now they won’t even get through the doors. That first piece of tape on the sidewalk is mine!”
“It’s going to be tough taking out the competition this year,” predicted Mark Sakaya of Ottawa, as he hammered a large nail through his ice scraper. “There’s not going to be any doors or shopping carts to hurt people with, and everyone’s going to be wearing thick winter coats to protect their vitals. I think I might have seen someone setting up booby traps in front of BestBuy, which is both tactically smart and festive in a Home Alone kinda way”
“I’m just glad I don’t really have any shopping to do this year. My family called off their Christmas celebration, so I’m just planning to see how many people I can burn with my space heater before my usual bloodlust is sated.”
“This is actually the safest I’ve ever felt working on Black Friday,” explained Walmart employee Kurt Stanely, in the middle of working with his colleagues to turn his location’s parking lot into a crude, open-air Thunderdome. “At least this year the rain will clean up all the blood, instead of me.”
In addition to the physical outdoor carnage, online shopping is expected to see an increase in violence as well, with reports of malware attacks and abuse of customer service programs on online stores more than doubling in the past few days.


thebeaverton--2020-11-24--Fighting fish awfully aggressive for a Beta

COQUITLAM , BC – The residents of the Chung household were in shock last week as the most recent addition to their family , a fighting fish named Stanley , began acting hostile towards them despite being a beta .
“ We were so excited to have a pet to love and take care of !
” said Vern Chung , who purchased Stanley from Petsmart as a gift for his kids .
“ But the moment we got Stanley , he retreated into his little underwater castle and didn ’ t come out .
We just thought he was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trap House and we knew something was up.
” Fighting fish are known to be solitary creatures .
Aggressive tendencies are common , however Stanley had a peculiar habit of punching holes in the walls of his castle and rage quitting , instead of flaring like other fish of his species .
“ When he shipped a box of caffeine pills to our house we knew we had an alpha gamer on our hands.
” The betta fish made a name for himself under the gamertag FinDiddle69 .
He was nationally ranked playing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rose to notoriety due to his skill in COD .
The Chungs thought it was best to take away his gaming system , which made Stanley more hostile .
He refused food , tipped over the plants in his tank , and used rocks to spell out “ VERN IS A SIMP ” in his aquarium .
Stanley somehow acquired a burner phone and began tweeting about his imprisonment until the hashtag # FreeStanley went viral .
The Chungs had no choice but to return Stanley for a clownfish named David , who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tight five .

COQUITLAM, BC – The residents of the Chung household were in shock last week as the most recent addition to their family, a fighting fish named Stanley, began acting hostile towards them despite being a beta.
“We were so excited to have a pet to love and take care of!” said Vern Chung, who purchased Stanley from Petsmart as a gift for his kids. “But the moment we got Stanley, he retreated into his little underwater castle and didn’t come out. We just thought he was shy… but then he started blaring Chapo Trap House and we knew something was up.”
Fighting fish are known to be solitary creatures. Aggressive tendencies are common, however Stanley had a peculiar habit of punching holes in the walls of his castle and rage quitting, instead of flaring like other fish of his species.
“When he shipped a box of caffeine pills to our house we knew we had an alpha gamer on our hands.”
The betta fish made a name for himself under the gamertag FinDiddle69. He was nationally ranked playing League of Legends and Halo, but rose to notoriety due to his skill in COD.
The Chungs thought it was best to take away his gaming system, which made Stanley more hostile. He refused food, tipped over the plants in his tank, and used rocks to spell out “VERN IS A SIMP” in his aquarium.
Stanley somehow acquired a burner phone and began tweeting about his imprisonment until the hashtag #FreeStanley went viral. The Chungs had no choice but to return Stanley for a clownfish named David, who kept insisting the family listen to his tight five.


thebeaverton--2020-11-26--Oil and gas companies line up outside Alberta legislature for Black Friday deals on provincial parks

EDMONTON – Hoping to start their year-end spending early , executives from the oil and gas industry are already waiting in line outside the Alberta legislature to snag Black Friday deals on recently delisted provincial parks .
“ Supply is limited so we ’ re urging people to line up now , ” said Premier Jason Kenney .
“ We only have about 160 parks in stock , so not everyone will get a chance to purchase once-protected land to raze in whatever way they deem profitable.
” These doorbuster deals come following the closing of numerous Albertan parks this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for sale , ” said Alberta Minister of Environment and Parks Jason Nixon , “ because at prices this low we ’ re practically giving them away.
” Coal and lumber companies were also braving the winter weather for a chance to partake in this incredible sale .
“ I can ’ t wait to see that magical look in my shareholders ’ eyes on Christmas morning when they see we now own land in the foothills of the Rockies for open-pit coal mining ” said one executive in line , rubbing his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of greed .
Some of those waiting had pitched up tents for shelter , which had many corporate shoppers wondering if they were currently on a public campground and if so , was it available for purchase ?
Expecting to sell out of inventory , Kenney said “ we ’ ll be taking preorders on land that ’ ll become available when we delist another third of provincial parks early next year.
” Although many have showed up for the Black Friday sale , some companies have decided to wait and splurge on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on privatized healthcare contracts instead .

EDMONTON – Hoping to start their year-end spending early, executives from the oil and gas industry are already waiting in line outside the Alberta legislature to snag Black Friday deals on recently delisted provincial parks.
“Supply is limited so we’re urging people to line up now,” said Premier Jason Kenney. “We only have about 160 parks in stock, so not everyone will get a chance to purchase once-protected land to raze in whatever way they deem profitable.”
These doorbuster deals come following the closing of numerous Albertan parks this year. “Our parks are not for sale,” said Alberta Minister of Environment and Parks Jason Nixon, “because at prices this low we’re practically giving them away.”
Coal and lumber companies were also braving the winter weather for a chance to partake in this incredible sale. “I can’t wait to see that magical look in my shareholders’ eyes on Christmas morning when they see we now own land in the foothills of the Rockies for open-pit coal mining” said one executive in line, rubbing his hands together for warmth and also out of greed.
Some of those waiting had pitched up tents for shelter, which had many corporate shoppers wondering if they were currently on a public campground and if so, was it available for purchase?
Expecting to sell out of inventory, Kenney said “we’ll be taking preorders on land that’ll become available when we delist another third of provincial parks early next year.”
Although many have showed up for the Black Friday sale, some companies have decided to wait and splurge on the government’s Cyber Monday deals on privatized healthcare contracts instead.


thebeaverton--2020-11-26--Struggling single mother awarded grant to continue pursuing her fledgling music career

LOS ANGELES – In an effort to support emerging artists , Canadian arts subsidy program Factor awarded a $ 90,000 grant to Grimes , a musician-singer and songwriter .
Just like the thousands of other artists living in Canada who applied for the grant , Grimes submitted her application because she found it an overwhelming financial burden to raise a child , write and record music , and pay the mortgage on her seven villas .
“ 2020 has been a hard year for all artists , both personally and professionally .
Between having to rename my son from X @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and my live-in boyfriend becoming only the second richest man in the world , it ’ s been challenging to find time to focus on my craft , ” said Grimes , who goes by the name c for speed of light in her private life .
“ Now that I have the support of Factor , I can stop worrying about putting food on one of our many dining room tables , and just be about the music.
” A representative from Factor said , “ We are proud to support the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to award this grant to Grimes in hopes that it will inspire other members of billionaire power couples to continue to pursue a career in the independent Canadian music scene.
” When asked how she will use the money , Grimes said that the grant would be used towards being the first Canadian artist to have their music debut on Mars , and building out a private concert hall in their Beverly Hills mansion so that she can stay home close to her son .
At press time , Grimes was filling out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with the financial burden of their live-in nanny .

LOS ANGELES – In an effort to support emerging artists, Canadian arts subsidy program Factor awarded a $90,000 grant to Grimes, a musician-singer and songwriter.
Just like the thousands of other artists living in Canada who applied for the grant, Grimes submitted her application because she found it an overwhelming financial burden to raise a child, write and record music, and pay the mortgage on her seven villas.
“2020 has been a hard year for all artists, both personally and professionally. Between having to rename my son from X Æ A-12 to X AE A-Xii, and my live-in boyfriend becoming only the second richest man in the world, it’s been challenging to find time to focus on my craft,” said Grimes, who goes by the name c for speed of light in her private life. “Now that I have the support of Factor, I can stop worrying about putting food on one of our many dining room tables, and just be about the music.”
A representative from Factor said, “We are proud to support the independent Canadian music scene and are delighted to award this grant to Grimes in hopes that it will inspire other members of billionaire power couples to continue to pursue a career in the independent Canadian music scene.”
When asked how she will use the money, Grimes said that the grant would be used towards being the first Canadian artist to have their music debut on Mars, and building out a private concert hall in their Beverly Hills mansion so that she can stay home close to her son.
At press time, Grimes was filling out a Canada child benefit application to help with the financial burden of their live-in nanny.


thebeaverton--2020-11-26--Straight man brags about being only straight man in theatre school

MISSISSAUGA – Local straight man and recent theatre school graduate Michael Gibson has bragged about being the only straight man in his year .
“ There were about 50 people in my class and of that , half were men .
All of them were gay , except me , a straight man !
” laughed Michael Gibson , while flattening out the wrinkles on his burgundy Henley shirt .
“ As a straight man , I was surprised to find myself totally comfortable with being the only straight man .
So comfortable , in fact , that since graduating @ @ @ @ @ @ @ how incredible it was that I , a cis-straight man , was the only straight man in my year !
No homo !
” Michael , who is conventionally handsome , able-bodied , and often welcomed into every space he enters , prides himself on all the nuanced representation he brought to roles like Willy in Death of a Salesman or Marius in Les Misérables .
“ As the token straight , I felt like it was my job to show everyone that straight men can do sissy things , too , like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Added Gibson , “ I even went beyond the binary and wore stage makeup !
” According to Gibbons , it was a challenge being the hetero-minority , especially whenever his NHL jokes didn ’ t land but “ being the only straight guy in class meant I ’ d get all the girls !
” to which all the women in his class emphatically declared “ no ” .
When asked if he realized that theatre school is one of the few accessible post-secondary spaces for lgbtq2ia+ people , Gibson responded by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an on-stage kiss with a male actor in his third year production of Fiddler on the Roof .
“ The moment I felt that tingly-wingly feeling of internalized homophobia , I comfortably slipped back into heteronormativity by reminding everyone that I was ‘ just acting.
’ No homo !
” Since graduating , Gibson has focused on taking some real artistic risks , like auditioning for the role of Frank .
N Furter in a production of the Rocky Horror Picture Show .
“ I spent three years surrounded by gay men and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” added Gordon in an offensively lispy voice .
“ So , I basically got a degree in how to play queer.
” At press time , Gibson bragged about being the only white guy to listen to “ Straight Outta Compton ” cover-to-cover .

MISSISSAUGA – Local straight man and recent theatre school graduate Michael Gibson has bragged about being the only straight man in his year.
“There were about 50 people in my class and of that, half were men. All of them were gay, except me, a straight man!” laughed Michael Gibson, while flattening out the wrinkles on his burgundy Henley shirt. “As a straight man, I was surprised to find myself totally comfortable with being the only straight man. So comfortable, in fact, that since graduating, I’ve been telling everyone how incredible it was that I, a cis-straight man, was the only straight man in my year! No homo!”
Michael, who is conventionally handsome, able-bodied, and often welcomed into every space he enters, prides himself on all the nuanced representation he brought to roles like Willy in Death of a Salesman or Marius in Les Misérables. “As the token straight, I felt like it was my job to show everyone that straight men can do sissy things, too, like dancing, singing and expressing emotion.”
Added Gibson, “I even went beyond the binary and wore stage makeup!”
According to Gibbons, it was a challenge being the hetero-minority, especially whenever his NHL jokes didn’t land but “being the only straight guy in class meant I’d get all the girls!” to which all the women in his class emphatically declared “no”.
When asked if he realized that theatre school is one of the few accessible post-secondary spaces for lgbtq2ia+ people, Gibson responded by stating how open-minded he was for having an on-stage kiss with a male actor in his third year production of Fiddler on the Roof. “The moment I felt that tingly-wingly feeling of internalized homophobia, I comfortably slipped back into heteronormativity by reminding everyone that I was ‘just acting.’ No homo!”
Since graduating, Gibson has focused on taking some real artistic risks, like auditioning for the role of Frank. N Furter in a production of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. “I spent three years surrounded by gay men and, thus, have perfected the flamboyant-sassy-character,” added Gordon in an offensively lispy voice. “So, I basically got a degree in how to play queer.”
At press time, Gibson bragged about being the only white guy to listen to “Straight Outta Compton” cover-to-cover.


thebeaverton--2020-11-26--Premier Ford locks down Ontario to fight spread of Auditor General’s pandemic report

TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford and his team of cabinet ministers have ordered a complete shutdown of Ontario to combat the spread of the Ontario Auditor General ’ s report on the government ’ s response to the pandemic .
Springing into action as if there was a critical health emergency where lives were at stake , paper copies of the critical investigation were immediately quarantined from Queen ’ s Park .
“ Folks , we ’ re going fight this with everything we have , ” said Ford in a press conference .
“ Ontarians should know that we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ review that could improve our pandemic response.
” The premier has ordered the province ’ s top doctor and medical team to control the Auditor ’ s review and established a clear command structure on who is responsible for containment .
15 million personal protective blindfolds have been expedited to hospitals and care facilities in the event any patients come in direct contact with the auditor ’ s work .
“ This review is just full of lies and misinformation !
” yelled Ford about the audit that revealed that decisions were made @ @ @ @ @ @ @ most assertive rather than their expertise .
“ WE DO NOT MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON WHO CAN SCREAM THE LOUDEST AND THAT ’ S FINAL !
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME ?
” Minister of Health Christine Elliott was more philosophical in her explanation of the audit that outlined serious mismanagement and lack of lab capacity .
“ We have different views on various aspects of her report , ” explained Elliott .
“ Some say over 3,000 people are dead , but in a different view , aren ’ t they very much @ @ @ @ @ @

TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford and his team of cabinet ministers have ordered a complete shutdown of Ontario to combat the spread of the Ontario Auditor General’s report on the government’s response to the pandemic.
Springing into action as if there was a critical health emergency where lives were at stake, paper copies of the critical investigation were immediately quarantined from Queen’s Park.
“Folks, we’re going fight this with everything we have,” said Ford in a press conference. “Ontarians should know that we’re protecting them from a false review that could improve our pandemic response.”
The premier has ordered the province’s top doctor and medical team to control the Auditor’s review and established a clear command structure on who is responsible for containment.
15 million personal protective blindfolds have been expedited to hospitals and care facilities in the event any patients come in direct contact with the auditor’s work.
“This review is just full of lies and misinformation!” yelled Ford about the audit that revealed that decisions were made by pandemic committee members who were the most assertive rather than their expertise. “WE DO NOT MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON WHO CAN SCREAM THE LOUDEST AND THAT’S FINAL! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?”
Minister of Health Christine Elliott was more philosophical in her explanation of the audit that outlined serious mismanagement and lack of lab capacity.
“We have different views on various aspects of her report,” explained Elliott. “Some say over 3,000 people are dead, but in a different view, aren’t they very much alive in our hearts?”


thebeaverton--2020-11-27--You’ll never believe what Rogers is going to replace the SkyDome with and yeah you’re right it’s con

You’ll never believe what Rogers is going to replace the SkyDome with and yeah you’re right it’s condos

TORONTO – Big news !
You are going to be stunned when you hear what Rogers is planning to do with some of the land where the world-famous SkyDome stands .
This is a total shock but it turns out that… what ’ s that ?
Yup , it is condos .
Good guess .
But you ’ ll never guess what will be beside the condos !
Turns out that Rogers and Brookfield Asset Management Inc. have come up with a whole plan to build… Ok , yes , you ’ re right , it ’ s retail spaces @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ok ?
God , can ’ t you just let me finish !
?
Look , just because every single Toronto landmark that has been torn down recently was immediately turned into condos doesn ’ t guarantee that this one was always going to be condos , too .
They could have gone with restaurants , or a shopping mall , or a second CN Tower .
But yes , ultimately they did , as you said , go with condos .
Congrats on always being right , I guess .
But @ @ @ @ @ @ @ baseball .
Right next to the condos will be a new baseball stadium for the Blue Jays to play in .
It ’ ll be the MLB ’ s first ‘ condo sized ’ baseball stadium .
If you can live in 500 square feet , you can have a field where the distance from the plate to the home run wall is only 87 feet .
Why not ?
You should definitely sign up for a unit .
If you ’ re lucky you could live near where Joe Carter hit his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Won ’ t it be great to wake up every day and know that you get to relive that memory any time and all the other fans can ’ t ?
I , for one , think this is a great idea .
The Dome is old and isn ’ t an aqua-coloured , 90 % window rectangle the way all the other buildings in the area are .
The best skylines are all about uniformity !
But don ’ t worry if you can ’ t get one of these units .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ re gon na tear down the Royal York and replace it with affordable housing .
Or condos .
You might be surprised !
But probably not .

TORONTO – Big news! You are going to be stunned when you hear what Rogers is planning to do with some of the land where the world-famous SkyDome stands. This is a total shock but it turns out that… what’s that? Yup, it is condos. Good guess.
But you’ll never guess what will be beside the condos! Turns out that Rogers and Brookfield Asset Management Inc. have come up with a whole plan to build… Ok, yes, you’re right, it’s retail spaces, office buildings and a crappy park, ok? God, can’t you just let me finish!?
Look, just because every single Toronto landmark that has been torn down recently was immediately turned into condos doesn’t guarantee that this one was always going to be condos, too. They could have gone with restaurants, or a shopping mall, or a second CN Tower. But yes, ultimately they did, as you said, go with condos. Congrats on always being right, I guess.
But they’re not doing away with baseball. Right next to the condos will be a new baseball stadium for the Blue Jays to play in. It’ll be the MLB’s first ‘condo sized’ baseball stadium. If you can live in 500 square feet, you can have a field where the distance from the plate to the home run wall is only 87 feet. Why not?
You should definitely sign up for a unit. If you’re lucky you could live near where Joe Carter hit his walk-off winner in the World Series. Won’t it be great to wake up every day and know that you get to relive that memory any time and all the other fans can’t?
I, for one, think this is a great idea. The Dome is old and isn’t an aqua-coloured, 90% window rectangle the way all the other buildings in the area are. The best skylines are all about uniformity!
But don’t worry if you can’t get one of these units. I heard that next year they’re gonna tear down the Royal York and replace it with affordable housing. Or condos. You might be surprised! But probably not.


thebeaverton--2020-11-27--Aunt Ruth to finally take COVID seriously now that she knows dogs can catch it

NIAGARA – Reports from within your family indicate a huge burden was lifted today , as sources indicate that Aunt Ruth finally plans to take COVID seriously solely for the wellness of her three pugs .
“ At first , I was suspicious , ” Ruth explained when reached for comment on a walk with her dogs near Resting Valley Retirement Community , where 12 of her neighbours have died from COVID complications .
“ But now I understand how important it is to wear a mask and protect our most vulnerable furry companions.
” Ruth went on to explain @ @ @ @ @ @ @ word of her “ ethnic doctor ” over “ some pretty compelling Facebook memes.
” But when word got out that dogs in the area were testing positive for COVID-19 , she immediately started researching how best to protect her pack from infection .
“ The scary part is , we just don ’ t understand the long-term health implications , ” Ruth continued .
“ This isn ’ t just your average kennel cough .
I mean , Uncle Roy had it in April and he ’ s still wheezy and dizzy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gives Mr. Buttons chronic diarrhea ?
” After posting on Facebook about living with three immunocompromised “ furbabies , ” Aunt Ruth has vowed to take extra precautions in public .
She has reportedly added two layers of cotton fabric to her mesh “ freedom mask ” purchased on Etsy , and she thoroughly checks every store for the presence of dogs before removing the mask to yell at cashiers for “ serving the deep state agenda.
” Cousin Stephanie , Ruth ’ s youngest daughter , is reportedly relieved that her mom @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she ’ s disappointed that it took her so long to understand .
“ No matter how high the human casualties got , she ’ d shrug it off , ” Stephanie , a frontline grocery stocker , explained .
“ Then one dog gets it and all of a sudden she ’ s scrubbing her hands and sourcing N95s on AliExpress ?
It ’ s crazy .
This is why my wife and I are cat people.
” At press time , Aunt Ruth ’ s husband , Uncle Harold , is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ anti-mask rally after hearing Auston Matthews caught the virus in July .

NIAGARA – Reports from within your family indicate a huge burden was lifted today, as sources indicate that Aunt Ruth finally plans to take COVID seriously solely for the wellness of her three pugs.
“At first, I was suspicious,” Ruth explained when reached for comment on a walk with her dogs near Resting Valley Retirement Community, where 12 of her neighbours have died from COVID complications. “But now I understand how important it is to wear a mask and protect our most vulnerable furry companions.”
Ruth went on to explain that initially she had trouble trusting the word of her “ethnic doctor” over “some pretty compelling Facebook memes.” But when word got out that dogs in the area were testing positive for COVID-19, she immediately started researching how best to protect her pack from infection.
“The scary part is, we just don’t understand the long-term health implications,” Ruth continued. “This isn’t just your average kennel cough. I mean, Uncle Roy had it in April and he’s still wheezy and dizzy all the time. What if it gives Mr. Buttons chronic diarrhea?”
After posting on Facebook about living with three immunocompromised “furbabies,” Aunt Ruth has vowed to take extra precautions in public. She has reportedly added two layers of cotton fabric to her mesh “freedom mask” purchased on Etsy, and she thoroughly checks every store for the presence of dogs before removing the mask to yell at cashiers for “serving the deep state agenda.”
Cousin Stephanie, Ruth’s youngest daughter, is reportedly relieved that her mom is finally wearing a mask – though she’s disappointed that it took her so long to understand.
“No matter how high the human casualties got, she’d shrug it off,” Stephanie, a frontline grocery stocker, explained. “Then one dog gets it and all of a sudden she’s scrubbing her hands and sourcing N95s on AliExpress? It’s crazy. This is why my wife and I are cat people.”
At press time, Aunt Ruth’s husband, Uncle Harold, is reportedly backing out of Saturday’s anti-mask rally after hearing Auston Matthews caught the virus in July.


thebeaverton--2020-11-27--Media enters 4th day of wall-to-wall coverage over mediocre BBQ restaurant

TORONTO – Local and national media have entered day 4 talking nearly non-stop about the health code violations of a BBQ restaurant known across the city for being “ fine.
” “ I ’ ve covered big events before .
9/11 , Air India , that time Stockwell Day rode a jet ski , ” said the Sun ’ s Joe Warmington , deeply embedded among the few dozen anti-mask protestors standing outside the restaurant .
“ But nothing has merited such frantic scrutiny as this : a restaurant owner complaining that health regulations are hurting his business.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ needles wondering if residents will be able to get their hands on some too-dry ribs and the okayest brisket you ’ ve ever eaten.
” Since the owner made a social media post announcing his intention allow indoor dining in the hopes of drumming up publicity for a clearly unsafe and reckless act , the media has responded by providing near constant attention in the form of editorials , television coverage of his arrest and this satirical news article making fun of the media while simultaneously capitalizing off the same culture of clickbait @ @ @ @ @ @ @ No one knows how this thing will end .
But the important point is that we had something to talk about that isn ’ t Donald Trump for a little while , ” said one journalist .
Some in the community said they didn ’ t agree with the owner ’ s choices but were disappointed by the police locking the doors even for takeout , as now there were only about 75 vastly superior BBQ restaurants in the GTA .
In related news the story of a restaurant owner who has been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ need has received 6 likes and two shares on facebook .

TORONTO – Local and national media have entered day 4 talking nearly non-stop about the health code violations of a BBQ restaurant known across the city for being “fine.”
“I’ve covered big events before. 9/11, Air India, that time Stockwell Day rode a jet ski,” said the Sun’s Joe Warmington, deeply embedded among the few dozen anti-mask protestors standing outside the restaurant. “But nothing has merited such frantic scrutiny as this: a restaurant owner complaining that health regulations are hurting his business.”
“The whole world is on pins and needles wondering if residents will be able to get their hands on some too-dry ribs and the okayest brisket you’ve ever eaten.”
Since the owner made a social media post announcing his intention allow indoor dining in the hopes of drumming up publicity for a clearly unsafe and reckless act, the media has responded by providing near constant attention in the form of editorials, television coverage of his arrest and this satirical news article making fun of the media while simultaneously capitalizing off the same culture of clickbait that has motivated their actions.
“No one knows how this thing will end. But the important point is that we had something to talk about that isn’t Donald Trump for a little while,” said one journalist.
Some in the community said they didn’t agree with the owner’s choices but were disappointed by the police locking the doors even for takeout, as now there were only about 75 vastly superior BBQ restaurants in the GTA.
In related news the story of a restaurant owner who has been giving out free meals to people in need has received 6 likes and two shares on facebook.


thebeaverton--2020-11-28--Midwives offer contactless deliveries

Midwives offer contactless deliveries

SASKATOON – Amid growing COVID numbers and increased hospital regulations , midwives across the country have begun to offer contactless deliveries to ease the minds of new parents .
In a press release , the Canadian Association of Maternity Care assured that this hands-off approach will barely change the delivery process , promising to guide mothers through their labor and to show them how to ball up a ratty sweater for where they expect the baby to fall .
“ Keeping two meters away will ensure the health and safety of both mother and child , ” explained midwife Nelson @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the womb and drop next to an ill-placed couch cushion .
“ Of course , there are still some small details to work out.
” According to Harrington , “ so far the most successful births have been twins , as the second child is more likely to land on something soft.
” Some consider the contactless delivery to be a more natural form of birthing , similar to the giraffe , whose offspring casually plummet three meters onto the harsh savanna grasslands .
At the time of reporting , health specialists were @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and child six feet apart during labor .

SASKATOON – Amid growing COVID numbers and increased hospital regulations, midwives across the country have begun to offer contactless deliveries to ease the minds of new parents.
In a press release, the Canadian Association of Maternity Care assured that this hands-off approach will barely change the delivery process, promising to guide mothers through their labor and to show them how to ball up a ratty sweater for where they expect the baby to fall.
“Keeping two meters away will ensure the health and safety of both mother and child,” explained midwife Nelson Harrington as he watched a newborn exit the womb and drop next to an ill-placed couch cushion. “Of course, there are still some small details to work out.”
According to Harrington, “so far the most successful births have been twins, as the second child is more likely to land on something soft.”
Some consider the contactless delivery to be a more natural form of birthing, similar to the giraffe, whose offspring casually plummet three meters onto the harsh savanna grasslands.
At the time of reporting, health specialists were looking into how to keep a mother and child six feet apart during labor.


thebeaverton--2020-11-29--Canada threatens to leave Commonwealth after being ignored in Netflix’s “The Crown”

OTTAWA – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is threatening to leave the British Commonwealth after receiving a royal snub from Netflix ’ s historical drama “ The Crown.
” “ Oh , sure , do a whole episode on Australia , ” said a jilted Trudeau who stayed up all night binging on season four .
“ Tiny New Zealand is even mentioned , but do they even bother to say anything about the biggest colony ?
Everyone was all worried about Australia leaving , but has anyone asked about Canada ’ s feelings ?
” The Prime Minister cautioned @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spoiler alerts in his message since he has three more episodes to watch , but said Canada is unlikely to be mentioned .
“ Even Ghana and Ireland got an episode , and they ’ re not even members anymore !
” bemoaned an increasingly self-conscious Trudeau .
“ It ’ s because we don ’ t have pretentious accents , isn ’ t it ?
Well , we have had it .
We ’ re going to leave if we don ’ t get our episode.
” The PM laid out his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are willing to accept a dull side-story related to Canada such as Prince Edward famous layover in Winnipeg or having the Queen mention us in her schedule of royal visits .
But nothing about Charles – I ’ m so sick of that guy.
” According to sources , CBC news has already pre-written 20 Canada-themed The Crown articles in the event that Canada is ever scarcely whispered on the production set for season 5 .

OTTAWA – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is threatening to leave the British Commonwealth after receiving a royal snub from Netflix’s historical drama “The Crown.”
“Oh, sure, do a whole episode on Australia,” said a jilted Trudeau who stayed up all night binging on season four. “Tiny New Zealand is even mentioned, but do they even bother to say anything about the biggest colony? Everyone was all worried about Australia leaving, but has anyone asked about Canada’s feelings?”
The Prime Minister cautioned members of the media to avoid any spoiler alerts in his message since he has three more episodes to watch, but said Canada is unlikely to be mentioned.
“Even Ghana and Ireland got an episode, and they’re not even members anymore!” bemoaned an increasingly self-conscious Trudeau. “It’s because we don’t have pretentious accents, isn’t it? Well, we have had it. We’re going to leave if we don’t get our episode.”
The PM laid out his demands for future episodes.
“We are willing to accept a dull side-story related to Canada such as Prince Edward famous layover in Winnipeg or having the Queen mention us in her schedule of royal visits. But nothing about Charles – I’m so sick of that guy.”
According to sources, CBC news has already pre-written 20 Canada-themed The Crown articles in the event that Canada is ever scarcely whispered on the production set for season 5.


thebeaverton--2020-11-29--Tired office workers can’t wait to attend mandatory Zoom session on Zoom fatigue

AUGUSTA , ME – Exhausted employees at the Department of Health and Human Services couldn ’ t be more thrilled about their upcoming compulsory Zoom session on Zoom fatigue .
“ I am so excited !
!
!
” screamed administrative assistant Jill Schneider , while downing her third cup of coffee at 8 a.m. “ Between dealing with never-ending virtual staff meetings , boring webinars , and Google Meets with angry clients , I am just really tired .
I get so much screen time that I feel like my eyes have been scratched out.
” “ An hour-long @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pivot , lean in , and level up so I can take on even more online tasks , ” emphasized the 38 year-old through blood filled tears .
The Department of Health and Human Services sees this as a fantastic opportunity to make their employees believe they care about them , while avoiding any sincere efforts to make real improvements .
As Bob Thompson , HR Representative for the Department explained , “ Sure , the odd employee can ’ t cope and collapses into the fetal position , but then we get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pay grade .
It ’ s win-win.
” At press time , targeted sessions were being developed to meet Equity , Diversity and Inclusion objectives , including a session on how to frame valid concerns as less threatening and easier to ignore .

AUGUSTA, ME – Exhausted employees at the Department of Health and Human Services couldn’t be more thrilled about their upcoming compulsory Zoom session on Zoom fatigue.
“I am so excited!!!” screamed administrative assistant Jill Schneider, while downing her third cup of coffee at 8 a.m. “Between dealing with never-ending virtual staff meetings, boring webinars, and Google Meets with angry clients, I am just really tired. I get so much screen time that I feel like my eyes have been scratched out.”
“An hour-long session is just what I need to pivot, lean in, and level up so I can take on even more online tasks,” emphasized the 38 year-old through blood filled tears.
The Department of Health and Human Services sees this as a fantastic opportunity to make their employees believe they care about them, while avoiding any sincere efforts to make real improvements.
As Bob Thompson, HR Representative for the Department explained, “Sure, the odd employee can’t cope and collapses into the fetal position, but then we get to hire contract staff at a lower pay grade. It’s win-win.”
At press time, targeted sessions were being developed to meet Equity, Diversity and Inclusion objectives, including a session on how to frame valid concerns as less threatening and easier to ignore.


thebeaverton--2020-11-30--Alberta’s tough new COVID measures force indoor coughing competitions to end by 10:00 pm

EDMONTON – In response to rising COVID-19 case numbers , Alberta Minister of Health Tyler Shandro announced stringent new regulations on the province ’ s popular coughing competitions .
“ Albertans assembling in bars and community centres to cough directly in each other ’ s faces must now cease their activity by 10:00 pm , the hour at which COVID grows more powerful , ” Minister Shandro told reporters .
“ Unless , of course , overtime is needed to determine a winner.
” Competitors must also wear masks whenever they are not coughing , preparing to cough , or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Other events newly restricted by the province include kissing booths , the 2020 North American Face Licking Championships , and games of “ Guess Whose Spittle ?
” , all of which must now operate at 75 % capacity and conclude by 10:00 pm , before starting right back up at 8:00 am the next morning .
“ We know this is a tremendous sacrifice , ” Shandro continued .
“ But by only spewing saliva directly at each other for fourteen hours a day , we can and will beat this disease.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Confederation declared the new rules “ a tremendous assault on both our beloved game and our freedoms ” and “ an insult to the memory of provincial champion Scott Holland , ” who died of COVID last week .

EDMONTON – In response to rising COVID-19 case numbers, Alberta Minister of Health Tyler Shandro announced stringent new regulations on the province’s popular coughing competitions.
“Albertans assembling in bars and community centres to cough directly in each other’s faces must now cease their activity by 10:00 pm, the hour at which COVID grows more powerful,” Minister Shandro told reporters. “Unless, of course, overtime is needed to determine a winner.”
Competitors must also wear masks whenever they are not coughing, preparing to cough, or receiving another player’s cough. Other events newly restricted by the province include kissing booths, the 2020 North American Face Licking Championships, and games of “Guess Whose Spittle?”, all of which must now operate at 75% capacity and conclude by 10:00 pm, before starting right back up at 8:00 am the next morning.
“We know this is a tremendous sacrifice,” Shandro continued. “But by only spewing saliva directly at each other for fourteen hours a day, we can and will beat this disease.”
In response, the Alberta Coughing Confederation declared the new rules “a tremendous assault on both our beloved game and our freedoms” and “an insult to the memory of provincial champion Scott Holland,” who died of COVID last week.


thebeaverton--2020-11-30--Liberal fiscal update confirms “Shit’s Fucked”

OTTAWA – Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland unveiled the Liberal fiscal update this afternoon and , as expected , things are fucked .
Big time fucked .
“ 9 months into this pandemic cases are on the rise and lockdown measures are being re-applied , ” said Freeland .
“ This will have huge consequences on small businesses and people ’ s financial futures , which right now appear to be more fucked than they have been at any point since the 2008 recession .
And that , as you recall , was extremely fucked.
” “ It brings me no @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to tell you that our economy is currently a giant turd being flung at a school trip by a masturbating monkey.
” Although some economic indicators like the stock market are currently performing quite well , Freeland said she was mostly concerned with aspects of the economy that actually impact people without trust fund ’ s lives , like the unemployment rate .
These ground level indicators remain , to quote the report , “ more fucked up than watching porn with your parents.
” “ Obviously the government is doing our best @ @ @ @ @ @ @ remains fucked and likely will be fucked for the foreseeable future .
However , if we are all diligent and do what we can to combat this pandemic , we may be able to get the economy down to a ‘ kinda fucked ’ level by the second quarter of 2021.
” Conservatives have already blamed the Trudeau government for Canada ’ s economic situation .
According to leader Erin O ’ Toole “ things are only fucked because the government mandated that they be fucked .
If they stopped keeping everyone indoors @ @ @ @ @ @ @ no time !
” However the Liberals were quick to fire back , noting that O ’ Toole is only talking a big game because his current poll numbers are “ royally fucked .
”

OTTAWA – Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland unveiled the Liberal fiscal update this afternoon and, as expected, things are fucked. Big time fucked.
“9 months into this pandemic cases are on the rise and lockdown measures are being re-applied,” said Freeland. “This will have huge consequences on small businesses and people’s financial futures, which right now appear to be more fucked than they have been at any point since the 2008 recession. And that, as you recall, was extremely fucked.”
“It brings me no pleasure, but it is my duty to tell you that our economy is currently a giant turd being flung at a school trip by a masturbating monkey.”
Although some economic indicators like the stock market are currently performing quite well, Freeland said she was mostly concerned with aspects of the economy that actually impact people without trust fund’s lives, like the unemployment rate. These ground level indicators remain, to quote the report, “more fucked up than watching porn with your parents.”
“Obviously the government is doing our best to unfuck everything. But currently it remains fucked and likely will be fucked for the foreseeable future. However, if we are all diligent and do what we can to combat this pandemic, we may be able to get the economy down to a ‘kinda fucked’ level by the second quarter of 2021.”
Conservatives have already blamed the Trudeau government for Canada’s economic situation. According to leader Erin O’Toole “things are only fucked because the government mandated that they be fucked. If they stopped keeping everyone indoors, the economy would unfuck itself in no time!”
However the Liberals were quick to fire back, noting that O’Toole is only talking a big game because his current poll numbers are “royally fucked.”


thebeaverton--2020-11-30--In return for $4 million from Alberta, NHL players staff busy ICUs

EDMONTON – The $ 4 million given to the NHL from the province of Alberta will be put to good use now that they ’ ve drafted NHL players as doctors , nurses , and other medical technicians .
“ We are happy to report teams are fulfilling their end of the bargain , ” said Health Minister Tyler Shandro .
“ Obviously we wouldn ’ t give free money to a sports league worth $ 5 billion if Alberta wasn ’ t getting anything in return during a pandemic.
” Early reports indicate each player is applying their strengths @ @ @ @ @ @ @ McDavid are playing an excellent gurney passing game through corridors at University of Alberta Hospital while enforcer Milan Lucic is acting as an anesthesiologist who only uses his fists .
“ We ’ re really getting in there and not giving this disease any chances , but we have to improve our defensive game , ” asserted Calgary Flames Coach Geoff Ward from the ICU desk to his team during a commercial time out .
“ We can ’ t just be chasing the puck this entire shift .
And Johnny , figure @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is making that bad sound.
” Meanwhile , Brad Marchand was given a 2 day suspension for low check on a patient .

EDMONTON – The $4 million given to the NHL from the province of Alberta will be put to good use now that they’ve drafted NHL players as doctors, nurses, and other medical technicians.
“We are happy to report teams are fulfilling their end of the bargain,” said Health Minister Tyler Shandro. “Obviously we wouldn’t give free money to a sports league worth $5 billion if Alberta wasn’t getting anything in return during a pandemic.”
Early reports indicate each player is applying their strengths and skills. Leon Draisaitl and Connor McDavid are playing an excellent gurney passing game through corridors at University of Alberta Hospital while enforcer Milan Lucic is acting as an anesthesiologist who only uses his fists.
“We’re really getting in there and not giving this disease any chances, but we have to improve our defensive game,” asserted Calgary Flames Coach Geoff Ward from the ICU desk to his team during a commercial time out. “We can’t just be chasing the puck this entire shift. And Johnny, figure out why that patient’s machine is making that bad sound.”
Meanwhile, Brad Marchand was given a 2 day suspension for low check on a patient.


thebeaverton--2020-11-30--Trump supporters upset President never shot man on Fifth Avenue like he promised he would

UNITED STATES – Diehard supporters of President Donald Trump are expressing their dismay at the realization that he may never shoot a man in cold blood on Fifth Avenue like he swore he would do .
“ I don ’ t know about anyone else , but I voted for him in 2016 exactly because he promised he would shamelessly kill a stranger on the street as a test of loyalty to the rest of us , ” said Monty Sanford , “ I mean his whole presidency has been about the unilateral imposition of force and will on those @ @ @ @ @ @ @ free from any repercussions or morality .
And yet he somehow just forgets to do the shooting thing !
?
” While most members of the public interpreted the President ’ s 2016 campaign comments as a fictional example of the kind of blind , unwavering devotion he enjoyed in his followers , Trump supporters really , really wanted him to do that murder .
Many people even went so far as to send the President a list of suggested targets or macho one-liners to say as he pulled the trigger , to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
And while , the Trump-exacerbated COVID pandemic and environmental regulations have killed multitudes more than Trump ever could by himself , supporters just want to know that their president could personally watch the lights leave someone ’ s eyes and still feel nothing at all .
“ I mean , I guess the tax cuts and conservative court majority are fine but I just really wanted to see a man die for no justifiable reason , ” said Kyle Grist , a Trump supporter , “ wasn ’ t that what this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Despite the uniform desire to witness a sad , septuagenarian destroy someone ’ s life , the motivations for that desire have varied among the electorate .
67 % wished to observe the killing in order to satiate their repressed bloodlust brought about by feelings of lifelong personal inadequacy , while 20 % wanted it to happen in order to annoy “ that Latina congresswoman who I ’ m so attracted to but whose inaccessibility and confidence makes me feel threatened.
” The remainder simply wished to see if Trump had the willpower @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I know many of you wanted me to shoot a guy for your own personal amusement .
But the Deep State and the Liberal Media and Joe Biden and RINO ’ s and James Comey and BLM and Antifa and MS-13 and Cancel Culture and Hillary Clinton and Dr. Fauci and the Governor of Michigan all conspired to stop me from giving you this really fantastic murder that many people said was going to be the most impressive murder every done by a President , except maybe Jimmy Carter , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that I am already forming an exploratory committee into committing some sort of mass murder , or maybe even a spree , in 2024.
” At press time , Trump was anxiously scanning New York back alleys for a murder he could take credit for .

UNITED STATES – Diehard supporters of President Donald Trump are expressing their dismay at the realization that he may never shoot a man in cold blood on Fifth Avenue like he swore he would do.
“I don’t know about anyone else, but I voted for him in 2016 exactly because he promised he would shamelessly kill a stranger on the street as a test of loyalty to the rest of us,” said Monty Sanford, “I mean his whole presidency has been about the unilateral imposition of force and will on those lower down in the power structure, free from any repercussions or morality. And yet he somehow just forgets to do the shooting thing!?”
While most members of the public interpreted the President’s 2016 campaign comments as a fictional example of the kind of blind, unwavering devotion he enjoyed in his followers, Trump supporters really, really wanted him to do that murder. Many people even went so far as to send the President a list of suggested targets or macho one-liners to say as he pulled the trigger, to show what a big man he is. And while, the Trump-exacerbated COVID pandemic and environmental regulations have killed multitudes more than Trump ever could by himself, supporters just want to know that their president could personally watch the lights leave someone’s eyes and still feel nothing at all.
“I mean, I guess the tax cuts and conservative court majority are fine but I just really wanted to see a man die for no justifiable reason,” said Kyle Grist, a Trump supporter, “wasn’t that what this whole presidency gearing up to?”
“The President pinky-swore!”, screamed Martha Washburne into the abyss.
Despite the uniform desire to witness a sad, septuagenarian destroy someone’s life, the motivations for that desire have varied among the electorate. 67% wished to observe the killing in order to satiate their repressed bloodlust brought about by feelings of lifelong personal inadequacy, while 20% wanted it to happen in order to annoy “that Latina congresswoman who I’m so attracted to but whose inaccessibility and confidence makes me feel threatened.” The remainder simply wished to see if Trump had the willpower and physical dexterity to actually do it.
“I know many of you wanted me to shoot a guy for your own personal amusement. But the Deep State and the Liberal Media and Joe Biden and RINO’s and James Comey and BLM and Antifa and MS-13 and Cancel Culture and Hillary Clinton and Dr. Fauci and the Governor of Michigan all conspired to stop me from giving you this really fantastic murder that many people said was going to be the most impressive murder every done by a President, except maybe Jimmy Carter,” said Trump, “And rest assured that I am already forming an exploratory committee into committing some sort of mass murder, or maybe even a spree, in 2024.”
At press time, Trump was anxiously scanning New York back alleys for a murder he could take credit for.


thebeaverton--2020-12-01--Prince William furious at the portrayal of his yummy little baby botty-bottom

With the release of the latest season of The Crown , The Duke of Cambridge , Prince William is reportedly furious at the portrayal of his cute as a button , royal little baby bottom .
Taking place in the nineteen-eighties , the show ’ s fourth season follows the early days of Charles and Diana ’ s strained relationship , in particular the birth of William , the thottiest little rumpy bummed tater-tot to ever twerk in a crib .
“ We ’ ve all seen babies , ” said fan of The Crown Rachel Floomp .
“ But @ @ @ @ @ @ @ number on me , I ’ d never seen something so cute .
So when the episode finished I got in my car and I just drove .
Days later a local fishmonger found me in a ravine .
Sure I ’ m blind now , but dat ass ” Indeed local authorities have confirmed that there has been a rise in violent reactions to Prince Willy ’ s bumpy wittle baby bum-bum .
“ We know you can ’ t call a baby a ‘ fuckboi , ” said officer Harold Donk @ @ @ @ @ @ @ yet here we are.
” He continued , “ There ’ s been a lot of self-affliction , punches to the face , old school steam rushing out of earholes , tongue-wagging – you ’ ve seen The Mask .
We found one woman simply scooting her ass around in circles on a very sandy beach ” However , insiders have reported that the prince himself is not happy with the portrayal of his spectacular ‘ back pack ’ , saying “ I ’ m more than just a foppish blonde-haired blue-eyed babe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ He continued “ See this arse ?
Tis rock hard now , you could bounce a penny off it , I haven ’ t had to powder it in months ” .
Unlike Prince Andrew , whose ass at time of print remains ‘ bone dry , ’ the royals have demanded public sympathy for the bald ( ing ) -headed hoe , demanding a reprieve from his objectification .
“ I beg of you to have sympathy for my grandson– ” said the queen .
“ My white , rich , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if she took a bite out of it , her Royal Highness said , “ like Michael Kors on a messy hem .
”

With the release of the latest season of The Crown, The Duke of Cambridge, Prince William is reportedly furious at the portrayal of his cute as a button, royal little baby bottom.
Taking place in the nineteen-eighties, the show’s fourth season follows the early days of Charles and Diana’s strained relationship, in particular the birth of William, the thottiest little rumpy bummed tater-tot to ever twerk in a crib.
“We’ve all seen babies,” said fan of The Crown Rachel Floomp. “But this little peach ass really did a number on me, I’d never seen something so cute. So when the episode finished I got in my car and I just drove. Days later a local fishmonger found me in a ravine. Sure I’m blind now, but dat ass”
Indeed local authorities have confirmed that there has been a rise in violent reactions to Prince Willy’s bumpy wittle baby bum-bum. “We know you can’t call a baby a ‘fuckboi,” said officer Harold Donk. “We know that – deeply… yet here we are.” He continued, “There’s been a lot of self-affliction, punches to the face, old school steam rushing out of earholes, tongue-wagging – you’ve seen The Mask. We found one woman simply scooting her ass around in circles on a very sandy beach”
However, insiders have reported that the prince himself is not happy with the portrayal of his spectacular ‘back pack’, saying “I’m more than just a foppish blonde-haired blue-eyed babe. I have thoughts and feelings.” He continued “See this arse? Tis rock hard now, you could bounce a penny off it, I haven’t had to powder it in months”.
Unlike Prince Andrew, whose ass at time of print remains ‘bone dry,’ the royals have demanded public sympathy for the bald(ing)-headed hoe, demanding a reprieve from his objectification. “I beg of you to have sympathy for my grandson–” said the queen. “My white, rich, and soon-to-become-king grandson.” However, when asked if she took a bite out of it, her Royal Highness said, “like Michael Kors on a messy hem.”


thebeaverton--2020-12-01--Pharmaceutical companies say Canada would get COVID vaccine faster if they didn’t need to print labe

Pharmaceutical companies say Canada would get COVID vaccine faster if they didn’t need to print labels in French too

OTTAWA – As concerns mount that Canada may be “ last in line ” for access to the COVID-19 vaccines being developed , American pharmaceutical companies have reassured Canadians that they will get access just as soon as they finish printing off the labels in French and English .
“ The delay has nothing to do with Canada ’ s vaccine manufacturing capabilities , ” said Pfizer rep Allana McCauley .
“ We ’ ve just been really stuck trying to remember how passe compose works.
” “ Hey siri , does vaccine have an accent aigu in french ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ In addition to translating the text , Pfizer and Moderna have been trying to get all of it on the small vaccine bottles without making the font too small to read .
Plus it ’ s taken them several days to figure out how to convert the dosage suggestions to the metric system .
“ Don ’ t even get me started on Quebec with the whole ‘ the french words have to be bigger than the english ’ thing .
You ’ re telling me you live in North America and you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ means ?
” added McCauley .
The companies say they applied for an exception to Canada ’ s official languages requirements on the grounds of saving people ’ s lives , but they were immediately denied and informed Quebec ’ s language police had opened up an investigation .
“ Fine we ’ ll do it your way , ” said a Moderna tech as he tried to determine whether tu or vous was more appropriate in this case .
“ Just be glad you don ’ t live in Switzerland .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ for months while we try to make a label in English , French , German and whatever the hell Romansh is .
”

OTTAWA – As concerns mount that Canada may be “last in line” for access to the COVID-19 vaccines being developed, American pharmaceutical companies have reassured Canadians that they will get access just as soon as they finish printing off the labels in French and English.
“The delay has nothing to do with Canada’s vaccine manufacturing capabilities,” said Pfizer rep Allana McCauley. “We’ve just been really stuck trying to remember how passe compose works.”
“Hey siri, does vaccine have an accent aigu in french?” she shouted into her iPhone.
In addition to translating the text, Pfizer and Moderna have been trying to get all of it on the small vaccine bottles without making the font too small to read. Plus it’s taken them several days to figure out how to convert the dosage suggestions to the metric system.
“Don’t even get me started on Quebec with the whole ‘the french words have to be bigger than the english’ thing. You’re telling me you live in North America and you don’t know what ‘inject’ means?” added McCauley.
The companies say they applied for an exception to Canada’s official languages requirements on the grounds of saving people’s lives, but they were immediately denied and informed Quebec’s language police had opened up an investigation.
“Fine we’ll do it your way,” said a Moderna tech as he tried to determine whether tu or vous was more appropriate in this case. “Just be glad you don’t live in Switzerland. Those guys are gonna be waiting for months while we try to make a label in English, French, German and whatever the hell Romansh is.”


thebeaverton--2020-12-01--Local murderers team up for podcast on white women

MILLHAVEN , ON – Earlier this month , local murderers George Robinson and Jeffrey Erb debuted their podcast My Favourite White Girl to immediate success .
Calling in from Millhaven Correctional Institute , Robinson explained the cult status of he and his co-host ’ s new podcast .
“ It ’ s really just two best friends , having fun together and learning all about different white women .
We like to get down to the nitty gritty and really get inside their minds.
” Erb continued on a contraband flip phone , “ What motivates them to adopt those @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their eyes ?
Is there something in their childhoods that make them think chiropractors are science-based ?
Why glamping ?
” Robinson added quickly , once a nearby guard was out of earshot , “ Also , it doesn ’ t really matter if we get the exact facts right or are sensitive to the people involved .
We get the Squarespace sponsorship either way ” .
Fans of the podcast have gone as far as writing in with their own stories of white women as well as making merchandise on behalf of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Griginos ” can be seen with shirts and tote bags emblazoned with one of MFWG ’ s many inside jokes , like “ Stay Sexy , Don ’ t Get Beckied ” , “ You ’ re doing a Beachbody Cleanse , Call Your Dad ” .
The most popular shirt displays an abstract splotch representing the sheer giddiness of white women when a big corporation participates in April Fools .
My Favourite White Girl is released every Thursday wherever you find podcasts ( unless the prison is on lockdown ) .
Stay @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a harrowing deep dive on Kate Gosselin and the psychology behind her madness .

MILLHAVEN, ON – Earlier this month, local murderers George Robinson and Jeffrey Erb debuted their podcast My Favourite White Girl to immediate success.
Calling in from Millhaven Correctional Institute, Robinson explained the cult status of he and his co-host’s new podcast. “It’s really just two best friends, having fun together and learning all about different white women. We like to get down to the nitty gritty and really get inside their minds.”
Erb continued on a contraband flip phone, “What motivates them to adopt those little white dogs with brown stuff around their eyes? Is there something in their childhoods that make them think chiropractors are science-based? Why glamping?”
Robinson added quickly, once a nearby guard was out of earshot, “Also, it doesn’t really matter if we get the exact facts right or are sensitive to the people involved. We get the Squarespace sponsorship either way”.
Fans of the podcast have gone as far as writing in with their own stories of white women as well as making merchandise on behalf of Erb and Robinson. Self-described “Pinot Griginos” can be seen with shirts and tote bags emblazoned with one of MFWG’s many inside jokes, like “Stay Sexy, Don’t Get Beckied”, “You’re doing a Beachbody Cleanse, Call Your Dad”. The most popular shirt displays an abstract splotch representing the sheer giddiness of white women when a big corporation participates in April Fools.
My Favourite White Girl is released every Thursday wherever you find podcasts (unless the prison is on lockdown). Stay tuned for their three-part season finale, a harrowing deep dive on Kate Gosselin and the psychology behind her madness.


thebeaverton--2020-12-01--Federal government to get a second job to cover deficit

OTTAWA – The federal Liberal government announced it will be getting a second job to cover the $ 381 billion deficit projected in yesterday ’ s fall economic update .
Vowing that no Canadian will be left behind during and after the pandemic , the cabinet was united in their quest to look for part-time work on evenings and weekends for the extra cash .
“ A Canada-wide child care system is going to cost us , but I can earn some extra cash as a French tutor , ” said Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland .
“ I can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ towards the deficit , and it will only take me less than 18 million years to pay everything off.
” “ If the provinces aren ’ t going to step up , then I ’ ll be tree planting during my summers , ” thundered Natural Resources Minister Seamus O ’ Regan .
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau vowed he would do his part in ensuring the economy recovers without breaking the bank by running his own snow shovelling service .
“ I ’ ve earned $ 12.35 already , ” boasted Trudeau with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ There ’ s a few loonies in here too !
” At press time , the Conservatives couldn ’ t keep up with all the critical social programs and benefits they plan on cutting .

OTTAWA – The federal Liberal government announced it will be getting a second job to cover the $381 billion deficit projected in yesterday’s fall economic update.
Vowing that no Canadian will be left behind during and after the pandemic, the cabinet was united in their quest to look for part-time work on evenings and weekends for the extra cash.
“A Canada-wide child care system is going to cost us, but I can earn some extra cash as a French tutor,” said Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland. “I can put at least $412.15 every month towards the deficit, and it will only take me less than 18 million years to pay everything off.”
“If the provinces aren’t going to step up, then I’ll be tree planting during my summers,” thundered Natural Resources Minister Seamus O’Regan.
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau vowed he would do his part in ensuring the economy recovers without breaking the bank by running his own snow shovelling service.
“I’ve earned $12.35 already,” boasted Trudeau with a sizable bag of nickels. “There’s a few loonies in here too!”
At press time, the Conservatives couldn’t keep up with all the critical social programs and benefits they plan on cutting.


thebeaverton--2020-12-02--Edmonton coyotes excited to finally be included in games of fetch

EDMONTON – Coyotes are excited by a new initiative from the Edmonton Urban Coyote project that involves throwing tennis balls and sticks .
The goal of the initiative is to scare coyotes in order to increase their fear of humans so they stay away from residential areas , however , these classic instruments of fetch are the sign of affection that the urban coyote community had been longing for .
“ Our dog cousins always get everything – special parks , treats , toys .
Finally , humans have realized that we can just be as fun to play with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a den in Glenora .
The coyote community in Edmonton has been steadily growing but until this initiative humans and coyotes had been at odds .
A previous initiative involved placing chicken coops around the neighbourhood in hopes that the rooster ’ s crows would scare away the coyotes .
This proved unsuccessful after numerous chickens mysteriously disappeared .
Scamp E. Coyote couldn ’ t believe his luck the first time a human threw him a tennis ball .
“ I looked around thinking it might have been meant for some basic canine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but no , it was meant for me !
” explained Scamp E. “ I rushed over and as I brought it back to its owner she started yelling ‘ bad coyote ’ so there were definitely some mixed messages in the game.
” The experience left him shaken as that ’ s the kind of behaviour he ’ d expect from someone in Westmount , but not in Quesnell Heights .
A representative from the Edmonton Urban Coyote Project , Colleen Cassady St. Clair , who insisted that she was definitely not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said that after years of struggling trying to control the coyote population it was time to embrace them as part of the neighbourhood .
St. Clair told us , “ If this doesn ’ t work , we ’ ll move into phase two where we will blast classical music on a frequency that only coyotes can hear to dissuade them from the bowls of treats that would be left around the parks.
” At press time , Edmonton ’ s coyotes were howling at the moon celebrating killing it in the game @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that they are now the total losers of the canine world .

EDMONTON – Coyotes are excited by a new initiative from the Edmonton Urban Coyote project that involves throwing tennis balls and sticks. The goal of the initiative is to scare coyotes in order to increase their fear of humans so they stay away from residential areas, however, these classic instruments of fetch are the sign of affection that the urban coyote community had been longing for.
“Our dog cousins always get everything – special parks, treats, toys. Finally, humans have realized that we can just be as fun to play with,” said Crooked-Tail, who has a den in Glenora.
The coyote community in Edmonton has been steadily growing but until this initiative humans and coyotes had been at odds. A previous initiative involved placing chicken coops around the neighbourhood in hopes that the rooster’s crows would scare away the coyotes. This proved unsuccessful after numerous chickens mysteriously disappeared.
Scamp E. Coyote couldn’t believe his luck the first time a human threw him a tennis ball. “I looked around thinking it might have been meant for some basic canine, like a Max or Daisy, but no, it was meant for me!” explained Scamp E. “I rushed over and as I brought it back to its owner she started yelling ‘bad coyote’ so there were definitely some mixed messages in the game.” The experience left him shaken as that’s the kind of behaviour he’d expect from someone in Westmount, but not in Quesnell Heights.
A representative from the Edmonton Urban Coyote Project, Colleen Cassady St. Clair, who insisted that she was definitely not two coyotes in a trench coat, said that after years of struggling trying to control the coyote population it was time to embrace them as part of the neighbourhood. St. Clair told us, “If this doesn’t work, we’ll move into phase two where we will blast classical music on a frequency that only coyotes can hear to dissuade them from the bowls of treats that would be left around the parks.”
At press time, Edmonton’s coyotes were howling at the moon celebrating killing it in the game of fetch and letting area wolves know that they are now the total losers of the canine world.


thebeaverton--2020-12-02--Man tricked into coma announces new self-help book

NEW YORK – Publishing giant Penguin Random House has announced a new self-help book by a man who , in defiance of every credible medical professional , adopted a dangerous all-beef diet and fell into a coma .
The book , which will be presented as a dozen rules to living a better life , will be written by an author whose daughter tricked him into believing that vegetables are bad for you .
Scheduled for release in 2021 , assuming the writer isn ’ t distracted by another tirade on how the Frozen movies are nefarious anti-male propaganda , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sense with rambling pseudo-philosophical gibberish .
“ We ’ re proud to publish a second book of advice by a man who inexplicably shot to fame by posting Quora comments and complaining about his students on YouTube , ” a Penguin spokesperson said .
“ While we realise this title is proving controversial among some of our audience .
We are committed to publishing a free speech advocate who threatened to slap a critic and sue another .
Penguin is confident that the thoughts of a man who thinks universities are secretly run @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the year.
” While some Penguin employees protested the announcement , calling the author “ misogynistic ” and “ honestly just pretty bad at writing , ” many fans expressed unbridled enthusiasm .
At press time , a Reddit user commented , “ I ’ m just glad that someone who unabashedly stands up for traditional masculine values still has a place in this world , ” alluding to the writer who once cried when discussing Pinocchio .

NEW YORK – Publishing giant Penguin Random House has announced a new self-help book by a man who, in defiance of every credible medical professional, adopted a dangerous all-beef diet and fell into a coma.
The book, which will be presented as a dozen rules to living a better life, will be written by an author whose daughter tricked him into believing that vegetables are bad for you. Scheduled for release in 2021, assuming the writer isn’t distracted by another tirade on how the Frozen movies are nefarious anti-male propaganda, the new title promises to combine common sense with rambling pseudo-philosophical gibberish.
“We’re proud to publish a second book of advice by a man who inexplicably shot to fame by posting Quora comments and complaining about his students on YouTube,” a Penguin spokesperson said.
“While we realise this title is proving controversial among some of our audience. We are committed to publishing a free speech advocate who threatened to slap a critic and sue another. Penguin is confident that the thoughts of a man who thinks universities are secretly run by communists will be the intellectual sensation of the year.”
While some Penguin employees protested the announcement, calling the author “misogynistic” and “honestly just pretty bad at writing,” many fans expressed unbridled enthusiasm.
At press time, a Reddit user commented, “I’m just glad that someone who unabashedly stands up for traditional masculine values still has a place in this world,” alluding to the writer who once cried when discussing Pinocchio.